# Dazed and Confused



## BlueRuby (Oct 26, 2016)

First time ever in an online forum so, not sure how this works but here goes...Married 16 years, been together much longer. Over the course of our marriage husbands never been a father to the kids, was an alcoholic for all but the last 2 years, selfish, job hopping...I could go on. Not a nice person to the kids and still has no relationship with them. It has affected them greatly. They both have depression, one of my sons has a chronic disease AND depression. My husband doesn't try to understand that being a kids diagnosed with a chronic illness comes a lot of mental issues along with the physical issues. Sons had surgerys, constantly at doctor, etc. Husband doesn't even try to understand. Just wants to pick and pick and pick at the kid for anything he can find wrong. Never been encouraging, only looks at the bad stuff.
Don't' get me wrong husband is a hard worker (still job hopping though) and a "nice guy" (so everyone says) just has a lot of issues and I'm not happy nor are the kids but I love him. Ha! SO cliche, I know.
The biggest issues being his selfishness and extreme lack of being a father or involved parent and he's an a**hole. He has no clue what's going on in our kids lives, they don't talk and one lives in the same household. It is so stressful He is always picking and tries to find reasons to be mad or unhappy with one son. He isn't happy with himself and I'm sure feels like the fact that he is now trying to "step up" should make up for the lack of his presence over the years (emotional and otherwise). 
Fact is, we have been in our routine for the last 15+ years, boys and I, and we want him there but not as the "man of the house" trying to control everything and beat on his chest because he feels like he isn't in control of something or that's how a man should be. We are happy how we are. Kids are successful, working, ones in college other trying to get into college. 
I have worked 2-3 jobs our entire relationship to make up for his inability or refusal to take care of things. He keeps his money and argues if we need more for bills. He tries to cut everything out if he has to pay for something additional but spends his money on himself with no problem. He acts like he has it so bad and I have grown so tired of the fight. I was strong and independant but it is breaking me. Handling all the issues by myself with the kids' depression, college, chronic illness and nothing i ever do for my husband is good enough. Never enough attention, sex, etc. 
He has mommy issues and that's a whole other topic! We don't parent the same. I am more open minded and teach my kids by talking to them about their future, encouraging them teaching them by example, etc. He is more like discipline and spankings and kids are beneath adults they should act as such. My family was never like that. His was and is. I am just so lost and don't know what to do. Do you leave someone when you see it's affecting your kids like that? Stupid question I know! I have just had people tell me that your kids grow up and then it's you and your spouse so treat it as such. My family's not that way. We are a big happy family. His never sees each other. There is SO much more to this long story but the jist of it is he's an a**hole and treats one son like crap and it affects our son and I am always playing cleanup and am losing myself in this process. Sorry this is all over the place. So much to get out.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sounds like you are just venting. That's fine, vent away!

But if you are seeking advice or guidance, you are mostly going to get the "leave him" responses. From what you have described, you don't have much chance of your husband changing into a loving person toward you and your children so....leaving him is typically the only way to get any relief from that type of situation.

Sorry you are going through this. Again, vent away if that helps.


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## BlueRuby (Oct 26, 2016)

Thanks  I am venting but I also constantly look at leaving and I just don't ever know what the right or wrong answer is. That's the tough part. I think the kids and I would be happier but battle over this in my mind daily. Just not real sure what to do


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

In reading your post, I'm not sure why in the heck you'd stay! And Faithful Wife is correct in saying that you're going to get a bunch of responses that state to just leave him! How can anyone say he's a nice guy?


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

I can empathize. I have 3 boys, all of them with chronic illness, and I have always taken the lead with their medical and mental health care. We have been together 25 years, married for 20. In my case, my H is now sick with terminal cancer, and while it has brought to light some serious personality flaws that have all but killed my love for him, I don't feel I can leave under the circumstances, so I stay even though most of me wants to run in the opposite direction as fast as I can.

Not sure of all the details from your initial post, but it sounds like he keeps his finances separate is that correct? Any chance there is someone else? I would wonder what he might be hiding.

As a caregiver myself, I would also ask what you do to recharge yourself? I also suffer caregiver fatigue... have a nasty case of it right now that I am struggling though. But I can tell you that making time for self-care and having a support network you can lean on when you need to can be so important.


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## BlueRuby (Oct 26, 2016)

Sorry to hear about that. It's tough dealing alone. I craft st times. Really there is no break. I sit when everyone goes to bed really. That is my time. He keeps them separate bc I took my money away when he spent it all on gambling and alcohol so this seems like his way of getting me back. My son does think he's cheating, which is sad in itself but I am not so sure. He is very needy and insecure so I wouldn't doubt it but I am not looking for proof. If it comes to light or something happens then I will deal with it


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

BlueRuby said:


> Sorry to hear about that. It's tough dealing alone. I craft st times. Really there is no break. I sit when everyone goes to bed really. That is my time. He keeps them separate bc I took my money away when he spent it all on gambling and alcohol so this seems like his way of getting me back. My son does think he's cheating, which is sad in itself but I am not so sure. He is very needy and insecure so I wouldn't doubt it but I am not looking for proof. If it comes to light or something happens then I will deal with it


Children can be very intuitive. My middle son suspected my H of cheating months before I accidentally found the evidence of his online affair. I never thought it was something he was capable of.

Is your H in any kind of recovery for the drinking/gambling?


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## BlueRuby (Oct 26, 2016)

No. He went to rehab a few years ago. That's it.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

It does sound like there's plenty of reasons for you to leave... 
I guess the question is why are you staying? What are you getting from the marriage that you are afraid to let go of?


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## BlueRuby (Oct 26, 2016)

I love him though I know that's not everything. I am also scared I might make the wrong decision and be devastated. We've been together so long, maybe comfort? I'm not real sure because when I ask myself pros vs cons, they're all cons even when I try really hard to think of pros. Maybe just being scared in general i suppose. Scared of taking that first step, not being able to afford it out there. I make good money but it's so expensive to live.He pays part of the bills, and only part and I am afraid I cant afford it on my own


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

I cannot for the life of me understand why you would love a man like this? I don't want to be insensitive, but you sound codependent.

Codependency Relationships - Codependent
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BlueRuby said:


> I love him though I know that's not everything. I am also scared I might make the wrong decision and be devastated. We've been together so long, maybe comfort? I'm not real sure because when I ask myself pros vs cons, they're all cons even when I try really hard to think of pros. Maybe just being scared in general i suppose. Scared of taking that first step, not being able to afford it out there. I make good money but it's so expensive to live.He pays part of the bills, and only part and I am afraid I cant afford it on my own


It's most definitely fear of change and being able to support yourself. It's natural to want to maintain the status quo, you know all that about the "Devil you know versus the Devil you don't" but when life is just so bad with a person, it's a good gamble to make.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

That is a lot to express and at least you started here to get some things out you really needed to express. 

I'm glad you're caring for your household and sons, but not having that supportive husband also takes it's toll. And it sounds like you are trying to do everything (working multiple jobs, leading by example your sons, giving them hope and a home, providing medical and mental health care). 

And yes, it is scary leaving someone you built your life with. Maybe, instead of working so hard, downsize on a lot of things and sell most of your things that you can. Live with the basic necessities as a start (of course you need internet, since you have a sons still in school so they can do their online research and such and if you do online bill payments), transportation, food, housing and clothing. 

And to make your decision clearer. I was thinking that you can look to your future and then decide about your husband. Once you retire, would you have enough to support both of you because, even though, he's a hard worker at temporary jobs...I dont know if he's built enough retirement savings/pension plan/403B/401K for you two to live comfortably. It will probably fall back on you. Will you be able to care for both of you and even be forced to work for both of you?

As for your sons with the chronic illness, you can also look into his own income for state disability insurance and what other services he has to support him. And since you also care for them medically and mental health, look into IHSS (In Home Supportive Services) to help continue care with them. You can care for your sons more and still earn an income. It takes time to process the paperwork with a doctor, but afterward, you'd be glad you did it because you'll still care for him, but not be as worried and stressed about an income coming in at the same time.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BlueRuby said:


> I have worked 2-3 jobs our entire relationship to make up for his inability or refusal to take care of things.


You've completely contradicted yourself. You claim this guy is such a 'hard worker' yet it's been *YOU* carrying his worthless, drunken, abusive ass for the last 15 years. 



> I am just so lost and don't know what to do.


Of course you know what to do. It's something you should have done YEARS ago.



> Do you leave someone when you see it's affecting your kids like that?


 Sadly, you've allowed this for YEARS. I'm not sure why. His abusive ass should have been kicked to the curb *many, many years ago*. Come on - it's not rocket science.



> There is SO much more to this long story but the jist of it is he's an a**hole and treats one son like crap and it affects our son and I am always playing cleanup and am losing myself in this process.


The bottom line is that you've ALLOWED it for years. My only guess is that you're completely codependent on this monster. Fix _yourself_, rid yourself of this cancer in your lives, and then spend the next god knows HOW many years trying to fix your poor son from the YEARS of damage this loser has caused.


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