# dating after infidelity



## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

I thought it was time to start a new thread (but not ready to move from the going through divorce section, as mine is not yet processed, and I am still going through some grief).

I am curious as to how people cope and handle dating, or moving into a new relationship after their divorce/separation, especially if infidelity has been involved.
I've had my problems and confusions with it, but I am still trying!

Today I read about the 5 stages of dating and it made me feel a bit better and more "normal" (especially the 2nd stage). I wanted to share it:

Stage 1: Attraction

In the first stage of dating, we find ourselves attracted to a potential partner. This is our initial attraction. It is our hope that the feeling is mutual, that the timing is right, and that we will have an opportunity to explore the possibilities.

Stage 2: Uncertainty

In stage two, the challenge is to recognize a shift from feeling attraction to feeling uncertain if that partner is right for us. This feeling is normal and you should be on alert not to be swayed by it. When you are dating someone who seems very special to you, it is normal to suddenly wonder whether you wish to continue dating that person. To become uncertain doesn't mean that this person is wrong for you. Without an understanding of this stage, it is too easy for a man to drift from partner to partner and for a woman to make the mistake of pursuing a man more than he is pursuing her.

Stage 3: Exclusivity

In stage three, we have made a mutual decision to be in a committed, exclusive relationship. The energy that went into looking for the right person can now go into creating a mutually loving and romantic relationship. You must be careful not to take the situation for granted. Continuing to do the little things that you did for your partner during the early stages of courtship are essential, not only now but for the lifetime of the relationship.

Stage 4: Intimacy

In stage four, we begin to experience real intimacy. We feel relaxed enough to let down our guard and share ourselves more deeply than before. Without an understanding of how men and women react differently to intimacy, it is possible to mistakenly conclude that we are just too different to proceed. This is the time to experience the best in ourselves and our partner, as we also become acquainted with the less flattering sides of our personalities.

Stage 5: Engagement

Stage five is engagement. This is a time to celebrate your love and commitment. You have made the determination that you are with the right person, and you are ready to move forward on your path toward a lifetime relationship. In this stage, you have the opportunity to experience your relationship joyfully, happily, peacefully, and lovingly.

There should be a course on how to date after a divorce...
Personally I find some of these guidelines helpful.
Have any of you found any resources that have been helpful to you?


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Tam


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## Merced (Sep 14, 2008)

Not to threadjack, but I'm wondering... once I start dating again after my failed marriage... I'm kinda struggling with how much to share in future relationships about our infidelities (we both cheated). 

Part of me says it's in the past, forget about it, it's not their business... and it would be a bad thing...

... but I know how when you get close to someone, those long deep talks sometimes arise, and I am a pretty open person, so part of me wonders if I should just share it? 

I'm thinking keep it to myself, but I want to try an be honest in the future in any relationships.

any thoughts?


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

I would want to know.
I think that healthy relationships are based on honesty and that involves self disclosure. If you have made mistakes, be honest about them and do what you need to do in future relationships to not make those same mistakes again.

Also, I think that finding someone whom you feel comfortable confiding in is important, it's a good way to gauge if they are "relationship material" or not. I would not disclose on the first date... but if you feel compelled to, perhaps it's a sign that you have a special connection.

Good luck!


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