# If know your wife doesn't enjoy sex with you...



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

...and you initiate it anyway. And she submits as an act of duty to her husband. And you know she's not enjoying it but does it anyway, is it rape?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

NO... its just very sad.. especially for her.
You have to help her dude. (assuming its not just a general question)

Whats going on with her? WHy doesnt she like it? How often do you shower?

Ask her questions and maker her feel safe that even if the problem is YOU , you'lll support her and figure out what needs to be different. 
Sex is not simply sex. Especially for the wiser sex, its tied to many things... maybe something is missing for her.


figure it out.


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## diaxis (Feb 20, 2010)

Well it certainly seems dysfunctional. I know personally speaking that if my partner didn't enjoy being with me, I wouldn't be able to pull it off myself. And maybe I'm atypical for a male, I don't know.

I might not make a very good marriage counselor. I don't think sex should be provided as a function of duty to the marriage anymore than falling in love should be held hostage by those same obligations.

Worst case scenario, I think if you talk about it, you'll sort out the problem and both of you will be on track to happiness again, whether you both land in the same place or not.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Thanks Vino. Yes, I shower shave and brush my teeth regularly. 

This problem has been going on for years. My first solution was to just stop even initiating. 3 years ago, she wouldn't even fake it that she liked it. That's when my thoughts of it being rape first surface, so I just stopped. 3 years of celibacy and she didn't question it or initiate sex ONCE! After I realized we both weren't going to start getting any younger, I knew I had to do something. That's when we started talking about it.

I won't get into the reduculous excuses for going 3 years without her thinking it was a problem. Anyhow, a few months ago we started again and were like teenagers again. But it's always me initiating, and she somethimes even seems to enjoy it. But she's slipping back into her old ways and I feel like I'm raping her again. Of course I'm "just imagining it", and if I initiate she will reciprocate. But let's just say she can't fake as well any longer. 

But as long as it's not rape, and I can still get some occasionally, I'll take what I can get.


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## diaxis (Feb 20, 2010)

You may have missed Vino's most important point. There may be something that she needs that you aren't doing. She may be unsatisfied with simple coitus, maybe she takes longer to get aroused, etc.

Personally I think your standards are too low if you're "taking what you can get".


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think it's okay for a woman (or men) to "take one for the team" once/week or so, just not all the time. 

Men need quantity to feel love. Women need qualilty.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

cody... I personally could not go on like that. Even if you got it everyday, knowing that she's not getting anything from it or even doesnt like it would make me ill. Seriously.

Having your wife let you hae it once in a great while (low percentage) when she's not in the mood maybe is ok but way of life? NO.

My opinion is to not go on like that. Its not good for her especially. Have you guys tried other things to figure it out?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Cody, how old are you guys and how long married again?

I challenge you.
If your wife is allowing you to "get off" and you know she is not enjoying it, my challenge to you is that you spend ALL your time doing things for her (around the house) AND you dedicate your time to figuring out what will help her enjoy with you.

I think thats a fair exchange. I really do. 

Do you accept?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

cody5 said:


> ...and you initiate it anyway. And she submits as an act of duty to her husband. And you know she's not enjoying it but does it anyway, is it rape?


Rape by definition is non consensual, and is a very horrible and dehumanzing form of torture that yes, involves sexual organs, but should not be confused with sex.

What you are describing is indeed a sexual relationship problem that is showing a need of repair, but for one to say it is rape, would be probably insulting to the woman and even man that is experienced rape in the past.

So if this is something for you to needing to pursue advice on, it is appropriate to explore the means to find the reason the woman is not attracted to the man and fix it, as opposed to label the scenario with the word for something so horrible and emotionally charged that may hinder the solution.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's not rape, it's just soul destroying to both parties if it's routine.

There's a big difference between a wife just offering to be lubed up and you have your fun without her particularly trying for an orgasm while she smiles and pulls you close and her having a sense of revulsion and disgust as you "do your business".


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I finally forced a conversation with my wife. Told her one of these days she's going to need to talk to me.

I think sometimes it's just better to muddle through life not knowing. Just accept things as they are and march on. Do what you have to do and hope it all works out in the end.

I can't get the last 10 years back. They're gone. But maybe once this fog clears I'll see this day as the beginning of a new life in my marriage. Maybe it's a good day after-all.

Thanks everyone.


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## Firemonk13 (Feb 22, 2010)

Invest in the Book "A sexless marriage" it eloquently provides the perspectives that you probably want to discuss, and its objective. I felt like an anvil was lifted to know that there were other people that shared this experience with me.

There are even good excerpts on the web, for free.

Share them with your wife, do it today.


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## TheFrustratedOne (Feb 24, 2010)

cody5 said:


> ...and you initiate it anyway. And she submits as an act of duty to her husband. And you know she's not enjoying it but does it anyway, is it rape?


havent read any of the other responses but this one hit home for me so I'm jumping in. No, it isn't rape. Not at all...but this is my situation with my wife. Except now she won't even perform out of respect for me and my needs.
It is truly sad and it's something that needs to be fixed. It would be great if she could find a way to enjoy it. But even if she has to tolerate it, the fact that she sees your need as important enough to "submit" (I hate that word) says she cares for your and respects your needs. 
I would say that it's also important that she not be "catatonic" in bed either. It's only a few moments a few times a week...she should make an effort to make sure that its a great experience for you. HOWEVER...you must...MUST...be open and honest with her and have a two way discussion on what YOU can do for HER...not just sexually, but elsewise as a husband that will help her feel a greater and deeper connection with you. This is very, very important. You ust find out from her why she is sexually averse to you or finds no pleasure in it. Physiologically, we're designed to enjoy sex...so when there is no pleasure there from her, something is wrong, either anatomically or psychologically. That has to be addressed and her input is critical.


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