# I am barely holding on to hope for my marriage!



## Hooz (Jun 29, 2010)

Ok this is my first time doing this! I don't know what else to do though. Let me first say I love my wife dearly. We met on a blind date got married less than a year later and have been married for 10 years as of this thursday. I have three wonderful girls, and she is a good mom to them. The problem is this though: I don't think she is a very good wife to me. I have a job and she is a homemaker. I know this is work, but she is not pulling her weight. I feel like I am the only one who shows any effort in the marriage, other than when it comes to the kids. I work all day and come home to a messy house. This I can live with if it was just from the kids, but today for instance, the pans from last nights supper with the scraps in it are still sitting on the stove. I can't stand the idea that I am working my ass off and she can't even pick up the dishes. The clothes, I purposely did not help with any of the clothes for two weeks to see what she would do, nothing comes to mind. I caught up the laundry almost two weeks ago. I left a load in the dryer and until Monday, when my mom comes over to watch our kids for a while, it was still in there. Now you would think that she would at least take them out and fold them, nope she took them out and threw them on the bed. I don't mind helping with all of this, but it seems like now she waits to do anything because she knows i will eventually step in and do it. I don't want this to sound like a wife bashing, but i feel I need to give more details. Sex is non existant. I can' initiate it, she has to and it is usually after i have fallen a sleep. She will mess around untill i wake up and then tell me to hurry up. No intamacy. She has used sex in the past to get what she wants. This is my fault I let this happen but I wanted to have sex. I have never cheated on her. She has put on a lot of weight, but I have never held this against her. I still tell her I love her every morning before I go to work. She never tells me she loves me, except after I tell her and that is not all the time. She never lets go of anything. She will bring up stuff from 10 years ago when we argue. I used to travel more, play golf, basketball and hang with my best buds. I have not played golf in 3 years now, because everytime I went to play it started an argument, infact anytime I want to do anything that does not involve her it is a fight. I ask her to do stuff and she doesn't want to if it involves my side of the family. Let me tell you what happened ten years ago. We got into credit card hell. She called me one day at work crying because she could not pay all the bills and have money for groceries. We did not have kids at the time. I asked my mom and dad for help. My mom went a step too far and paid off one the cards for us and asked for the card to be cancelled. She signed my wifes name. We found our about this and I asked my mom what the deal was. She denied doing this. This turned out to be a lie since we had a copy of the letter she sent in. I talked with my dad about this because they had just helped us out of a crisis, and he said let it go. I did, my wife did not. She now uses this in every arguement about my parents. I am a mams boy, but have stood up for my wife 100% of the time. We paid my parents back every bit of the money. I have bought my wife a new car, a new house, gave in to the third kid. I spoiled her very early on. The problem is I am at my limit. It easy to spoile someone that shows appreciation. Now i am not completly inocent in this. I have lied to my wife. I have been caught in this lie. I have spent too much money. I have said I am somwhere when I am somewhere else. Three years ago i decided to just tell it as it is and not hide stuff from her. This hasn't worked. I let her know about a business trip coming up and she goes nuts. I explain it is a must and it makes no differance. I think she suffers from depression, runs on her side of the family, but she wont go get checked out. I have asked for us to go to couseling but she will not. Any advice on what to next would be greatly appreciated. i am an open book so ask questions.


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## trial1120 (Jun 30, 2010)

Much of what you say reminds me of my marriage at one time or another. When we were first married, my husband did most of the cooking and cleaning. Eventually, he got tired of it and stopped. He told me that if I was content to live in a pigsty, then he could, as well, but he wasn't going to be the only one cleaning all the time. I'm still not a good housekeeper, but I do my share. That being said, both of us work full time. I am the main bread winner, and have always worked full time. He spent many years job-hopping, so I kind of always felt it evened out.

If your wife does suffer from depression, she (and you) would be amazed at how well she might feel if she were on a low dose of anti-depressant. It has made all the difference in my life. 

Other than that, I'm really not qualified to have much of an opinion, since my own marriage is in crisis right now.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Hooz,

Sounds like my marriage, its not likely to get better, just more resentment built up on both sides. If she is not willing to go to joint marriage counseling, then look for IC. I'd be willing to bet there are issues on your end to address also. For the sake of the kids, look into meeting her emotional needs for the next six months as best as you can. Sometimes one spouse making the extra effort will bring around the other. Good luck


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

DennisNLA,

I suggest you read the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. 

Based on what I read in your post you two definitely speak different love languages. Also go to marriagebuilders.com and check out their questionaires on Lovebusters and Love enhancers.

You could also read "Being the STrong Man a Woman Wants" by Elliott Katz. Very good book and spoke to me.

And lastly remember you can't make her change -- you can only change yourself. So start changing your habits and see if that gets you anywhere. There is a thing called cheeseless tunnels. And you seem to be going down a cheeseless tunnel a lot here.

What this means is for some reasons if you set up a bunch of tunnels and put cheese in one, the first time a mouse will go down and find it. Change the tunnel with the cheese and the mouse will still go down it. But for some reason us humans go down the same tunnel time and time again, only trying harder to find the cheese and its never there. We keep doing the same thing only more of the same -- and getting the same result no cheese. 

Pick another tunnel Dennis.

Good luck. As with all advice do with it what you please.

Peace.


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