# what if I was wrong?



## botti (May 28, 2014)

When I confronted my husband yesterday, it was hard not to feel a sickening dread that maybe I was mistaken. My evidence is strong, but circumstantial.

Have any of you wrongfully accused, or been accused, of infidelity? I don't mean an ongoing, constant barrage of accusations from an insecure spouse. I think that's something else altogether. I mean just a one time mistaken assumption that blew your world apart. 

How did you cope? How did you come back from that?

If you did not come back from it, how long before the towel was thrown in?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Given that you have previously cheated on him yourself, your perspective should be a little different. Not that you have to accept his cheating; but you don't have the moral high ground you would have.

However, in your previous threads you said your husband was cheating with multiple MEN. What's changed to make you doubt your evidence?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My first wife always accused me of cheating. That was because she was over sexed to a point that she was border line nympho and I worked 10 hour days and came home, tired, dirty hungry and like most people need a good night sleep so the finger was pointed. 

Little did I know she was the one cheating. I wish to god in a way I would have just so she had something legit to accuse me of.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A hair follicle test is a simple way to get to the bottom of any drug use.

As for explaining answering gay ads on Craiglist? I cannot, beyond the obvious.

Don't let him gaslight you with other explanations and make you doubt yourself.

Protect your children. Get the drug testing done. Being gay or bi doesn't disqualify him from being a good parent, but drug use does.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

6301 said:


> My first wife always accused me of cheating. That was because she was over sexed to a point that she was border line nympho and I worked 10 hour days and came home, tired, dirty hungry and like most people need a good night sleep so the finger was pointed.
> 
> Little did I know she was the one cheating. I wish to god in a way I would have just so she had something legit to accuse me of.


My ex was always jealous anytime I interacted with other women. Damn , I missed a huge red flag.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You stated in your other thread that you cheated on him. Then you found emails of him detailing his sex with other men and drug use.

Your husband is homosexual. How are you wrong about that? Does he claim that the emails are just playing along? As a former cheater yourself, you should know about the denials.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> A hair follicle test is a simple way to get to the bottom of any drug use.
> 
> As for explaining answering gay ads on Craiglist? I cannot, beyond the obvious.
> 
> ...


I am not a proponent of drug use in any way, but I don't think that just using makes someone a bad parent. Drug abuse is the thing to worry about and what changes the fears about parenting and is a completely different and valid concern. I don't feel that alcohol drinkers and drug users should be considered bad parents just for these actions, as long as it is in moderations and controlled usage, 

In places like CO that just legalized, partaking of the drug if not abused should not be an indicator of parenting capability, ability, or skills. Should we automatically label cheaters as bad parents also, since they are doing things detrimental to good family relationships, teaching morality issues, etc? Unless they are doing it directly in front of the children, abandoning or neglecting the children for their trysts, most would say no that is insane to consider, yet when it comes to drugs, alcohol, or smoking the thoughts change, not sure why though?? Harm is harm no mater the source.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

We will have to agree to disagree.

Key word is abuse and I guess I should edit my post drug abuse vs. drug use. I'm not talking about folks in Colorado of anywhere else who partake in a little marijiana here and there.

If someone is abusing drugs, yes it makes them a bad parent. In my opinion. Can a recovering drug addict become a good parent? Absolutely.

OP Needs to get to the bottom of husband drug use or abuse. Among other issues.

EDIT - I think we are on the same page after rereading your post...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

botti, are you looking to separate/divorce or stay in your marriage? I will somewhat "tailor" my input based on your response.

I'll say this, though... To expect or demand honesty from your husband w/ regard to his activities w/o being honest w/ him regarding your past infidelity is nothing short of absolutely hypocritical.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> We will have to agree to disagree.
> 
> Key word is abuse and I guess I should edit my post drug abuse vs. drug use. I'm not talking about folks in Colorado of anywhere else who partake in a little marijiana here and there.
> 
> ...


I don't think it is a case of disagreement as I agree wholly in that moderation is the key here and not actual abuse. Most definitely abusers should be suspect and held to different standards. When it is abuse then the abuser should be removed from the environment and not allowed back in until reformed.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Well, I was convinced my wife was betraying me and in the end I was only marginally right. Not near what I was conviced was happening. To be sure, there was a small EA happening, but once she recognized it she stopped immediately.

It was humbling.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Agreed Squeakr! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> botti, are you looking to separate/divorce or stay in your marriage? I will somewhat "tailor" my input based on your response.
> 
> I'll say this, though... To expect or demand honesty from your husband w/ regard to his activities w/o being honest w/ him regarding your past infidelity is nothing short of absolutely hypocritical.


I don't know. I think out. 

I am aware of my hypocrisy. I'm not trying to justify what I did before we married or minimize the long term effects of the EA I've had. He said he has been suspicious of me the last few months, which I find galling because I've been working second job due to his inability to keep a job. 

It is drug use, not abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> You stated in your other thread that you cheated on him. Then you found emails of him detailing his sex with other men and drug use.
> 
> Your husband is homosexual. How are you wrong about that? Does he claim that the emails are just playing along? As a former cheater yourself, you should know about the denials.


I had an EA with one physical encounter 8 years ago. I just found several years of emails from him. Regularly posted ads, and a few hours ago, a whole other email account with a few video clips. Not trying to justify my indiscretion as "more forgivable" just giving you the timeline.

I'm no longer in doubt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Given that you have previously cheated on him yourself, your perspective should be a little different. Not that you have to accept his cheating; but you don't have the moral high ground you would have.
> 
> However, in your previous threads you said your husband was cheating with multiple MEN. What's changed to make you doubt your evidence?


I don't think I've pretended a moral high ground, but I appreciate your perspective. I did use to blame my choice on him, years ago, but I have accepted that my mistake was mine and I have tried hard to be the best possible wife ever since. 

I had my affair during a giant fight and after several months of sexual neglect. So when I saw these emails, my first thought was, he's gay. ... yay! That means it wasn't my fault he doesn't want me. But when I saw the other things, it wasn't that simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling for you both?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

In or out, deal w/ him on even footing. Unburden your conscience to him. Confess.

Best of luck to you going forward.


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