# Reconciliation Not Going Well



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Hi and thank you for taking the time to read this. 

My husband and I were separated for nearly six months this year. Both of us lawyered up and were prepared for divorce. He begged for another chance, thus the reconcilliation.

He promised things would change and he would make the effort to do what I needed. My list included the following:

1. Anger management counseling-he has been physically abusive in the past.

2. Marriage Counseling-gone before but he walked out and never went back-nor did he really do the homework.

3. Date nights and time to work on us again.

4. Equal partnership-decisions to be made together for the betterment of the family.

So far, not one thing has been done on the list. He continues to promise marriage counseling, but does not go. He prefers to hunt on the weekends four hours away from home. No effort has been made. He actually takes off on Saturdays and goes hunting but then complains about money, when he could be making nearly $800 on a Saturday.

We have two children, 10 and 4 and I hate thinking about how this is messing up their long term views of relationships. However, I feel that we should separate again. He controls all the money as I go to school full time working on my BSN and I also work part time. He works 60 hours a week and does have a long commute. 

I have an 8 hour class on Saturdays and he knows this. Ten weeks of Saturday classes. He made plans for a hunting trip and told me to "figure it out" when I asked who would be watching the kids. My parents are both working and I ultimately will have to miss my class and take a grade deduction because he is hunting.

Another example, he controls all the money as stated above and left me for the weekend with $20 that I had left from a gift. That's all. He told me that he is not giving me any money for the weekend because I am a b*tch.

I know I am not perfect, but I need some insight or suggestions. Do I put my kids through another separation and ultimate divorce or stick it out and continue to hope that things will get better.

Thanks in advance.


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## Round2 (Oct 18, 2009)

What the heck are you waiting for? Leave!!!

Do you think this is the best you deserve? 
You are SO right when you state that you're concerned that this is messing up your children's views on relationships. 
Do you want your son (if you have one) to think this is how a wife is to be treated?? Do you want your daughter (if you have one) to think this is how she should expect to be treated?
Good God, no!! 

Get out!


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

R2-Financially I am stuck right now. In school full time and only able to work part time. I am waiting for a time when I can financially support the kids myself without having to worry if he is going to pay the child support or not.

I do feel as though I deserve better.

I want to know that I did all I could to make it work before I was away. I need a clear conscious knowing I did not leave any stone unturned. Do that make sense?

I absolutely do not want my children to believe that a wife should ever be treated like this. It hurts me so deeply thinking about the example they are being shown.

How do you know when is the right time to go and when you have done all you can?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

He will be home from his hunting trip in a few hours and I am trying to decide how to approach him when he get here....


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

It appears to me that if he doesn't agree to following through with your list (especially couples counseling), that your relationship probably won't survive. Unfortunately, it may be time to separate again and/or divorce, if it's not followed through.

I wish you the best.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I feel the list is fair. Do you disagree? 

How would you handle a list like this? Is it too much?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Does he go hunting every weekend? Or is this a once a season thing with him having a time-sensitive deer permit? 

What is this class?

Do you think it fair that he not have any "me" time on the weekends because you have things you like to do too?

Not trying to enflame you, just asking questions.

If you have a joint account, then get a sitter for Saturday.

But on the other hand, he should not leve you in a bind either timewise or financially.

He's playing a power struggle game as are you.

At the very least, get access to finances if you are to stay. If not? Laywer up and see what happens.

Bet the weekend classes go out the window.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

michzz said:


> Does he go hunting every weekend? Or is this a once a season thing with him having a time-sensitive deer permit? Generally every other weekend during deer season. I must say though, this just started this year. Never in twelve years has he hunted before. Otherwise, I would have taken the class in the evenings when he could watch the kids. I opted for Saturdays because he thought that would be better given the hours he works.
> 
> What is this class? A biology class I am working on for my BSN
> 
> ...


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

You need to see a lawyer. A judge will happily sign an order granting you support while you attend school since it will help you make financially independent. With a court order your husband will have no choice but to work on Saturdays.

I would also contact your local women's shelter for resources available to you. They can help you find affordable housing, student financing etc. Because do not doubt for a second that your husband is an abuser.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree with what hideandseek has said. You might consider a legal separation with the understanding that if he does not follow through on the things you have asked for (all essential, imho) within X amount of time, you will move from legal separation to divorce. Then move out, and refuse to reconcile until ALL of your expectations are met. 

I also agree your kids are getting a much worse idea of marriage if you are living like this. If your children are aware of the physical abuse, it's essential that you get them some counseling about families and relationships even if it was a long time ago. If dh has anger management issues, your kids may well have those problems too and better to address it now before they facing divorce and/or criminal charges themselves.

Nursing is a fabulous career, so stick with it and you will soon be independent. Get the courts to force him to give you support while you finish your degree. Live with a family member/friend to cut costs. do whatever it takes NOW to get you where you want to be, while putting your kids and your mental, emotional, and physical health at the center. Finances can be worked out--some of this other stuff is too important. Take out loans if you must. But use the legal resources first and best of luck.


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## Round2 (Oct 18, 2009)

Michzz, I can't believe you read her post and then acted like she was partly to blame!

Part of the problem for women in her position is the "blame the victim" mentality that exists. How is she being controlling when he physically abuses her, doesn't give her access to money, behaves selfishly and has absolutely no respect for her? 

I am astonished that you would belittle her education by classifying it as her "wanting to do things on the weekend" and he should have some "me time" too. 

Strongenough, I hope you can see that there is never any excuse for controlling someone with physical abuse, controlling someone by withholding money, breaking all one's promises, calling one's partner derogatory names and completely disregarding your partner's feelings. There are support systems out there. 

Ultimately the decision is yours but his bags would be packed and on the lawn with a court order restricting his access to the premises and the police on standby. Why should you leave the home? He should be the one to leave! 

There are two sides to every story except when abuse is taking place!!! There is no justification for abuse, NONE, and he clearly doesn't take you seriously if there was absolutely no effort made on his part to seek the help he promised to seek!

You and your children are in a very dangerous situation. At this point, you taking him back without ensuring that he had already taken measures to follow through with some of the promises just proved to him that there's nothing he can't do to you. 

Please be careful.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you're rationalizing staying in your marriage because it's overwhelming to think about leaving.

but your trepidation is hurting your children as well as you

and it's convincing your husband he can behave any way he sees fit in this marriage.

life sometimes, often for some, challenges us to rise past our fears in order to get where we belong.

this is such a time in your life, and if you rise to your occasion a year from now you'll look back and wonder why you didn't take decisive action sooner.

oh, and many universities have arrangements for moms who must bring kids to school, so don't you dare take another hit on your hard earned college record and bring the kids along if you have to next time.

have a bunny, which is hopefully not what your hub is hunting this weekend.:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Round2 said:


> Michzz, I can't believe you read her post and then acted like she was partly to blame!
> 
> Part of the problem for women in her position is the "blame the victim" mentality that exists. How is she being controlling when he physically abuses her, doesn't give her access to money, behaves selfishly and has absolutely no respect for her?
> 
> I am astonished that you would belittle her education by classifying it as her "wanting to do things on the weekend" and he should have some "me time" too.


Wow! You read far more into what I wrote than what I wrote.

I did not get anything from what she wrote about him being physically abusive. Plus, I did not get that the Op was taking a class toward a degree on the weekend. This is why I sked questions!

She and her H are engulfed in a power struggle. It was unclear to me how things like working on a degree is financed. Or if they had a joint bank account. How much money is there from the part time job, etc.

On one level, her husband is not a slouch He works 60-hour weeks and would like to recharge on the weekend. I get that.

On the other hand, I get that he is being a jerk towards her too.

I also get that he plays games about the babysitting on the weekend. He sees it as her problem. 

But was this the arrangement? That he would be home with the kids on the weekends while she took this class?

Is Saturday the only time this class could be taken? 

I'm nbot ready to call the husband an physical abuser based on what she wrote.

Are the two of them in the death spiral of their marriage? Oh yeah, definitely.

I had to work 40+ hour week in order to go to school for my degree and had many false starts because of finances. I also put my wife through school and have been extremely involved in my kids lives from day one. 

So don't try to color me as some kind of abuser lover. That is so not me.

That said, I had questions.

Such as how is the schooling paid for? Has there been an allowance made for day care? Can the class be taken during the week? 

And so on.

BTW when I posted it was not clear that the class was for a degree. There are weekend recreation classes, so I asked.


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## Tootsiepop (Sep 7, 2009)

Dear StrongEnough- 
Please believe that you are truly strong enough to leave this marriage-strong for yourself and your children. Rather than repeat it over again, re-read the post by Round 2. Sage advise!

Regarding michzz-I don't think he read the initial post very well. Item 1 clearly says "he has been physically abusive in the past" as well as other explanations of what's going on. Michzz needs to read it more carefully.

Divorce is hard, breaking up the family is hard, financial problems are hard, but living with someone like this is a lot harder and sadder in the end. Best of luck and take care!


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## Round2 (Oct 18, 2009)

Excerpts from the original post:

"1. Anger management counseling-he has been physically abusive in the past."

"I have an 8 hour class on Saturdays and he knows this. Ten weeks of Saturday classes. He made plans for a hunting trip and told me to "figure it out" when I asked who would be watching the kids. My parents are both working and I ultimately will have to miss my class and take a grade deduction because he is hunting."

"Another example, he controls all the money as stated above and left me for the weekend with $20 that I had left from a gift. That's all. He told me that he is not giving me any money for the weekend because I am a b*tch."

Perhaps you missed these points... granted. 

All the above comments are red flags indicating physical abuse, mental abuse and controlling behaviour and this relationship is not in any way a healthy one for her.

Also, the fact he works 60 hours a week is irrelevant. The revenue from those 60 hour weeks is completely his to control and if he can't even be bothered to leave money for her and the children while he is away, should she still be appreciative? 
She goes to school full time, works part time, takes classes on the weekend and takes care of the kids. Sounds to me like they're both putting in a lot of hours. No?

I run a fair sized company with more than 150 employees, and work 60 hours or more a week myself and would never dream of cavalierly sabotaging my husband's priorities for my own pleasure, especially when there's a clearly defined time frame that we're working within. I would brainstorm with him to find a solution that would be effective for both of us, not leave him to sink or swim on his own with no regard whatsoever for his feelings.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Round2 said:


> Excerpts from the original post:
> 
> "1. Anger management counseling-he has been physically abusive in the past."
> 
> ...


I did miss the part of physical abusiveness in the past.

How far in the past we talking about? Last week? 15 years ago? 

Not excusing any of it, just would like context.

And as far as weekend watching of kids goes? Yeah, he was being a shmuck about that. However, are parents the only option? Friends, relatives? Nobody?

Yes, of course, he should have been available. No question. I just have a lot of questions about resources and how things are financed. 

What was the context of him just up and wanting to go hunting? Not blaming her, ya know?

Just think there are gaps in my understanding and I read badly.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Michzz~ I was not offended by the questions. I appreciate you taking the time to ask.

Thank you also to everyone who responded. 

The physical abuse was in February, which ultimately led to the separation. 

As for watching the kids, he could have called his parents, but told me it was my issue to deal with. The one set of friends I trust with the children, had their own plans for Saturday. My brother ended up watching them at the last minute when he got in from a trip. So ultimately I did get it figured out.

He decided to go hunting with a guy friend, which is usually the case. They decide and then make plans and go. The guy he goes with does not work weekends and his wife is home on the weekend, so for him to make plans and go is not a big deal. My situation is different. I was counting on his help.

He came in last night from hunting and was as pleasant as could be. Asked me if we wanted to run to the store with him to grab some groceries. I was a little stunned, but went nonetheless because I needed several items. Shopping trip was uneventful and then he turned on my favorite tv show and told me he loved me and went to sleep.---That's what baffles me---Did we not just have a huge blow up and not talk for 2 days while he was gone hunting and I am expected to act like it did not happen?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

it's to his benefit to treat you like this now because he did get, and is getting, what he wanted, wants.

when he doesn't you'll see the ugly side soon enough.

this should be clear enough to you, after all you did leave once and you know what you expect of him before you return...

oh that's right, you already returned without any of your conditions being met.

and you've returned even though he's done nothing about his anger problem or physically abusive behaviour.

the fact that he's being nice or that you went shopping is a non-issue which, and maybe with your tacit approval, is obscuring the very real and serious issues you face.

get to the heart of the issue, face it squarely on (if not for you then for your children) and do what you know needs to be done.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I have not done Love Must Be Tough. At this point, I am not feeling very loving toward him. I'll pick up the book today and see if it helps.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

recent_cloud said:


> it's to his benefit to treat you like this now because he did get, and is getting, what he wanted, wants.How is that to his benefit? I would not have cared if he went hunting as long as childcare arrangements were handled. There is no benefit to him being like that. He simply needed to call and make some arrangements for the kids. I'm not sure I understand.
> 
> when he doesn't you'll see the ugly side soon enough.Agreed/
> 
> ...


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> He got what he wanted. He won the battle, after all. So, in the end, he was fine. You were the one left stewing. Had the shoe been on the other foot, he might not have been so pleasant.


Correct He won the battle. Now how do I stop having these power struggles or battles with him? I cannot give into every whim, but I also cannot start a battle over everything.


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

StrongEnough said:


> I feel the list is fair. Do you disagree?
> 
> How would you handle a list like this? Is it too much?


I think your list is beyond reasonable. I gave my husband a much more extensive list, and we haven't been married as long as you, and we don't have kids together. 

My husband has been physically abusive in the past, and on my list is that he must complete a domestic violence program before we live together again (most cities have them, just make sure it's a good program that's thorough). Do you think your husband would go through such as program? I really think it's necessary if he's been abusive, normal marital counseling isn't enough to fix that.

I do understand where you're coming from though, wanting to make sure that you've done everything possible before getting a divorce.


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> oh, and many universities have arrangements for moms who must bring kids to school, so don't you dare take another hit on your hard earned college record and bring the kids along if you have to next time.


This is very true. Even way back when I was about 8 and my mom was finishing college (on her own), I remember she would bring me with her on the weekend. I'd sit in the class with her, reading my books and coloring. No one payed me any mind, and there was no problem. If they did it back then, I'm positive they still allow parents with the need to bring their kids to classes.


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