# Marriage counseling



## Thound

Does marriage counseling actually work? Success stories and failures please?


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## LoriC

I have been going since September and honestly I don't think the therapist was responsible for saving my marriage. The books I read helped so much you would not believe. We still go to see her twice a month anyway because I feel that it helps. Not sure if I could articulate why I believe this is so.


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## LoriC

I should add that not only I read the books. My husband has also at least read most of the books he's not a big reader.


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## Thound

LoriC said:


> I have been going since September and honestly I don't think the therapist was responsible for saving my marriage. The books I read helped so much you would not believe. We still go to see her twice a month anyway because I feel that it helps. Not sure if I could articulate why I believe this is so.


Does your husband read the books as well? Is he fully participating in the counseling?


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## LoriC

Yes, saving our marriage was much important to him than it was me. He did not do as much reading as I did. The Five Love Languages was especially helpful to us both. And the ILYBNILWY book was very insightful. It helped me to see what went wrong years ago. We will be married 22 years next month.


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## heartsbeating

Success or failure ......I'm guessing you consider if the marriage stays intact that means it's a success? That's not how I'd view counseling or the outcome of a relationship.

My husband and I saw a therapist for a few sessions when we were in the thick of it. We didn't go with the intention of trying to stay together or necessarily to part either. It was about understanding and learning and being open to the outcome. I'll say it did help me to slow my thinking. We both learned a lot about ourselves and with time, further understanding of each other. We are still married and continuing to grow with one another. I'm doubtful we would have reached that point without the help of a therapist... but it comes down to us, as individuals to change our actions and behaviors, as well as working together. Even if our outcome for the relationship was different, I still would have learned from it. For me/us it was useful.


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## Thound

Thanks for the replies thus far


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## HarryDoyle

LoriC said:


> I have been going since September and honestly I don't think the therapist was responsible for saving my marriage. The books I read helped so much you would not believe. We still go to see her twice a month anyway because I feel that it helps. Not sure if I could articulate why I believe this is so.


I agree. Everyone is different, but the attitude you have going in can make a huge difference. We both went into it wanting to save our marriage and not try and blame each other. We've been married 33 years and we didn't have the time to try dredge up 3 decades of wrongs and faults (and there are a lot!!). I too have read a lot and that has helped immensely as has my religious faith. We ran out of issues to talk about and now only see him once in awhile and at church. We needed to go, but that's not what saved my marriage.


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## Mavash.

MC saved not only our marriage but me. What started out as MC quickly turned to IC for me. That was in year 7 and it was either that or divorce as I was ready to walk.

We're at year 21 now and we are happy.


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## Caribbean Man

MC worked on our marriage too.
At year three there was resentment and misunderstandings on either side.
We had couples sessions and single sessions.
In all fairness, the marriage councillor was a professional therapist and a very good friend of mine. 
She helped me sort out some of my personal issues, and see things from my wife's perspective.
We are nearing 18 years.
So it worked, and is still working.


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## Thound

Awesome replies. Thanks


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## Chris989

Our mc after my ex wife's affair slowly destroyed what little we had and finally left me as low as I have ever been.

I could not recommend it as the risk of finding a misandrist is greater than the chance of success.


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## Cre8ify

We have done it and stopped it. Our therapist was off track and no longer helping, I think the most valuable aspect of it is to be fearless, determined and persistent about communicating. Once the "method" of communicating is established it is easy enough to continue it. So I guess for us it was an ice breaker. 27 blissful and tempestuous years.


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## diwali123

My h and I ended up in counseling after we had been married less than two years. 
Looking back I can't believe how I was acting, but based on my childhood and my first marriage I had a lot of really bad fears about him that made me nutty.
We both needed to change some things and the MC helped us to see that. 
I had a lot of overwhelming stressful things happen to me all in one year and felt like I was going to lose my mind. 

It was really hard work but it brought us closer together. At times I felt like she was taking his side because they have similar personalities. 
I was convinced that some of his actions had been taken out of a place of manipulation and deceit. She actually told me in IC that she thinks he's a great guy and honest and just wants to make me happy. 
I guess I needed to hear it from a professional.


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## three little monkeys

I certainly think that MC can work if the counselor is a good fit for both spouses and both spouses really want things to work out. My wife and I saw a counselor a few years back and things just didn't click with that therapist. The same issues continued (no infidelity or abuse just fighting and intimacy issues) and I found another therapist about a year and a half ago and we are still going weekly to work on our issues. Some repressed childhood abuse issues started to surface with my wife and this has really shed some light on our issues and opened things up. 
So things didn't work out with the first therapist but the second one (years later) was a much better fit and we have made some real progress in our issues and communication as well as dealing with these past abuse issues. I'm definitely an advocate of MC at this time but you have to find the right counselor and both parties need to want to work on the marriage.


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## bailingout

I think it depends on the couples willingness to look at themselves and finding the right therapist.

In our case, no it didn't help.


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## Theseus

I have noticed a disturbing misperception on TAM (and elsewhere) about what the purpose of MC is, and that could greatly affect whether or not you see it as a success. 

A lot of people and/or their spouses seem to expect that going to a marriage counselor is like going before "Judge Judy" (for the non-Americans on here, Judge Judy is a show where a former judge resolves civil disputes between people. She often insults the people standing in her court - although many deserve it). I think a lot of the spouses who resist going to MC, avoid it for that reason, including my own wife.

The purpose of the counselor isn't to sit there and arbitrate the arguments and tell the couple that one of them is right and the other is wrong. They are there to figure out strategies so the couple can live happier and in peace. 

In our case, the MC did help us a small amount, but that small amount was WELL worth it.


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## Riverside MFT

three little monkeys said:


> *I certainly think that MC can work if the counselor is a good fit for both spouses and both spouses really want things to work out. *


I couldn't help chiming in and maybe giving a little perspective from the other side of the therapy room. 

1. I do think that the most important thing when trying to strengthen or heal a marriage is that the husband and wife are both willing to change and both want the marriage to work. While I believe it is possible for one person to make a difference in their relationship, successful change is much more possible and quicker when both spouses are invested in the relationship.

2. You cannot go to marriage counseling thinking that the counselor will solve all of your problems. You are still the one who has to solve the problems. The therapist can offer suggestions or make observations about interactions between the two of you, but ultimately, you are responsible for changing yourself and solving your problems.

3. Having a good fit is a must. It is my opinion that you will know if the counselor will be a good fit after the second session (and sometimes even after the first). When seeking a counselor, I would suggest interviewing the therapist to see if he or she will be a good fit for you and your spouse. If you are looking for a marriage counselor, here are some things to consider:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/29220-signs-good-marriage-counselor.html


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## palmettostate

I am new to this forum. Can someone list the books that I should read? 

Also, how do you find a good counselor? I have searched online and found at least a dozen in my area, but how do I know if they are good counselors?


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## diwali123

What issues are you having?


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## palmettostate

my husband was having an EA. i posted the details over in the coping with infidelity forum.


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## GRC011

It didn't work for me. but it can if both partners "want" to be there and one hasn't totally given up already on the marriage without giving the effort to save it.


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## QBall_1981

The STBXW and I went to counseling after she trickle truthed her EA. We went every week (once, after a good session we took two weeks) and it was up and down. 

What i didn't realize until just last week (what i didn't have evidence of, i'll say) was that while she was in MC she was continuing the EA and it probably became a PA. I was so frustrated, upset, angry during the last sessions (because i knew she was lying about txt'ing OM) that we just screamed at each other. She'd moved out by then...

The only point i'm making is that, in hindsight, i realize that just showing up to MC doesn't mean anything. The MC could have been better IMO too; she kept repeating that because both of us showed up we were interested in getting better. Total bull2h1t.


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## Toshiba2020

The MC themselves dont save the marriage, they just give you the tools needed to do it, basically just communication skills and helping work out tough issues in a safe and calm environment, especially for people who have extreme personalities, either shutting down completely or exploding and leaving the room during difficult talks.

Also, MC itself is a good test of the quality of the marriage. if you recommend MC and your spouse says "yeah sure lets give it a try" that means they are willing to admit their is a problem and they actually want to fix the marriage. if they say "no way, thats stupid" and refuse to go they are in denial or have no desire to fix the marriage.


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## imonjjohnson

Marriage counseling will only work if you and your partner believe on it and if you really want it.


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## imonjjohnson

palmettostate said:


> I am new to this forum. Can someone list the books that I should read?
> 
> Also, how do you find a good counselor? I have searched online and found at least a dozen in my area, but how do I know if they are good counselors?


Where you from? If you are from Lexington, I would like to recommend Rev. Bob Ross. He has over thirty years experience helping couples strengthen their marriages. You can check his site at www.anchorcounseling.com. You can also try reading his book "My Marriage Manual".


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## markster

Theseus said:


> I have noticed a disturbing misperception on TAM (and elsewhere) about what the purpose of MC is, and that could greatly affect whether or not you see it as a success.
> 
> A lot of people and/or their spouses seem to expect that going to a marriage counselor is like going before "Judge Judy" (for the non-Americans on here, Judge Judy is a show where a former judge resolves civil disputes between people. She often insults the people standing in her court - although many deserve it). I think a lot of the spouses who resist going to MC, avoid it for that reason, including my own wife.
> 
> The purpose of the counselor isn't to sit there and arbitrate the arguments and tell the couple that one of them is right and the other is wrong. They are there to figure out strategies so the couple can live happier and in peace.
> 
> In our case, the MC did help us a small amount, but that small amount was WELL worth it.


Yes, I agree with you. My wife & I went for round three of counselling after being together for 5 years after having done it twice before with separate counsellors. In the past I think we had it right in terms of going to have someone give us insight into how to communicate better with each other.

Sadly, this time around it was her intention to seek justification for resentment she felt. She said she wanted to know if she was being "unreasonable" (aka wanting to hear "no, you're not being unreasonable ... he is") I went to one session that was essentially an "ambush" by her, bringing up issues and laying blame for topics that we had both agreed were resolved months or even years ago.

A real shame because this counsellor appeared far superior to the others we had seen.

I won't be going back, but that's not the counsellors fault. As many have already said, it's the work that both parties are wanting and willing to do. Both need to be prepared to hear things that they might want to hear and both need to be willing to follow the advice of the counsellor. Both need to be committed to working towards a better relationship. If they are not, IMO it is time and money wasted.


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## Micfhelle

I should add that not only I read the books. My husband has also at least read most of the books he's not a big reader.


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## ASummersDay

My philosophy on therapy is that you will get back what you put into it.


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## James Horner

In every relationship, there are ups and downs and it needs right back up at the needed time for the lasting relationships. When there are constant fights and outrageous instances, people can approach the notable marriage counseler who can provide the ideal solutions which help the couples greatly.


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## James Horner

There are numerous reasons where a marriage can be a disappointment, failure on these days, more persons decide on the separations which are unquestionably not a decent sign. A touch of comprehension and discussion can make great results in an affair and for these, the couples counselors make the needful strides in offering the best help.

sharonrivkin,
Couples Therapist San Francisco


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## Mr The Other

MC worked for me.
We are getting divorced. I was lucky to do it initially in Denmark, where there is a tradition of equality and the marriage is seen as an equal responsibility. She came from the American tradition and expected the MC to tell me it was all my fault and that we should work on communication. She told my wife to pull her finger out of her ass and at the end of the sessions suggested I move on. It was not what I wanted to hear, but it was a success.


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## Cletus

We recently went to a counselor not long ago over my father residing in our home. 

I think we made it 4 visits before my wife pulled plug. It was the only problem in the history of our marriage where we both dug in our heels and wouldn't budge. My wife didn't think it was remotely useful and ultimately just did what she intended to do all along. It didn't end our marriage, but we had probably the nastiest fight in our history.


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## jb02157

No! absolutely no! I was forced into it once and it was the worst experience of my life. All that happens is all of the issues she had with me were brought up and I was made to look like the bad guy. When I wanted to speak and bring up some of the many issues I have with her, I was told to shut up. I was also racially profiled. The "counselor" said that since I was of a certain nationality I was prone to certain undesireable characterists of men. The books that they suggest are also quite stupid.


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## Springtree

Our first MC was quite good, but didn't get anywhere because we were not honest about our issues. That was in year 8. We were both in a lot of emotional pain and our problems were very raw. In the end she said she wasn't getting anywhere with us and she actually advised us to separate. Which we didn't, both being stubborn people.

Our next MC was in year 11, and she sided totally with my husband who said the issue was that I wouldn't have sex with him. The sessions were all about re-stimulating my 'desire'. It all went very badly because the sex thing was actually a consequence not a cause. 

Our third MC was in year 18 and he was the best we had, but he seemed to side with me and told my husband that he was being highly disrespectful towards me. He was the first one to realise that I was afraid of my husband and that my confidence levels were completely shot through. This did help our marriage a lot but I think it came too late. My husband didn't like him much because he felt we needed to rebuild trust before we had sex again. 

Now (Year 26) we are looking at seeing a fourth one, because it is a legal requirement when obtaining a divorce in my state and country. Neither of us are looking forward to it.


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