# I dont know what to do anymore..



## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

First post so hello all! Joined after reading some posts and felt like I needed to put my story down and get some advice on where my marriage is heading..

Me and my wife have been together for 12 years and married for 10, we have two children and all has been going well up until recently.

Out of the blue a few months back, we had an big falling out which resulted in her saying that she wasnt sure she loved me anymore to the point where she wanted to seperate. we sat down and talked about it into the early hours of the morning and a couple of things emerged which have kinda scared the c**p out of me. Firstly she has said to me she has had multiple men asking her out on dates, one of which knows she is married and she is friendly with. She goes out drinking with all these friends on a regular basis typically leaving me at home on my own to look after the kids sometimes every night of the week.

She has repeatidly denied that she is having a relationship with any of these men but she keeps on saying she really likes one, but "only as a friend and he knows that". He is single. She says she wants to go out as because she is a homemaker and looks a fter the kids during the day, i am happy for her to go out and have a social life when I get back. She typically gets back anytime from 10pm to gone midnight. Im just not sure if I can trust her completly.

However over the last few months i have been getting increasingly depressed and down in the dumps over this. I feel I am trapped at home not able to socialise and enjoy myself as much as i would, everything i do is typically with her and the kids and I do not get any "me" time like she does and Im kinda starting to resent it. 

She keeps asking me whats wrong and I tell her, and the general outcome is another big argument with her saying she will stop going out with her firends so I can and wont have a social life. This is to the extreme imo as I am ok for her going out if she wants to but I also want to see her in the evenings! 

I think im typically the passive in the relationship with my wife more the dominant person and im starting to resent it as I feel she walks all over me, and the kids walk all over me too.

i do get the feeling sometimes Im in a loveless marriage, but then other times small things happen that perk us both up and make us happier, but it soon starts to go back to the same old normal routine.

I work with a single female colleague at work in my job and she has accused me of having a relationship with her which is completly and utterly untrue but im still not sure if she believes me. I look around me at work and see lots of my colleagues having lots of fun and going out socialising and cannot help but feel Im loosing out.

She says she has felt this way about us for years, but it has only been this bad for about the last 9 months, i still Love her but not sure if Im in love with her anymores..

I have suggested councilling but she says we can just talk it out between us, im scared to because i dont want to start another huge argument which is where are talks typically end up. so i tend to keep my mouth shut and carry on keeping my feelings inside until we have another explosion.

Im guessing I need someone to talk to and advice on what to do to make my marriage better, if I can. at this moment Im honestly not sure if I have the strength to carry on fighting for it. its even getting to the stage where at home I end up working in the evenings when she is out because I dont have anything else I can do.

I love my kids and dont want to hurt them at all and I dont know what I would do if I was not with them.

Help me..

A Sad and depressed husband..


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You need to step up to the plate if you want to try and save the marriage. Try to put your foot down on certain issues. For example when you said, she goes out drinking with these friends and leaves you home, I'm assuming you mean she goes out drinking with these men friends. To me thats unacceptable behavior. You need to tell her, its either these "friends" or me. 

I also think its highly possible if shes not in a PA she is caught up in a EA. Most of the time, when a person is caught up in either a PA or EA, they are usually willing to put less effort into the marriage, dis the marriage as a whole, and defend other people, in her case, her "friends". 

Its time to give her an ultimatium, and you need to follow through with what you say.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

generalinformatics said:


> im scared to because i dont want to start another huge argument which is where are talks typically end up. so i tend to keep my mouth shut and carry on keeping my feelings inside until we have another explosion.


here is your problem, you dont know how to communicate with each other, sounds like you have two forms of expression, its either silence or rage, 

stop letting things build up inside, sit down and talk calmly like adults,


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

trey69 said:


> You need to step up to the plate if you want to try and save the marriage. Try to put your foot down on certain issues. For example when you said, she goes out drinking with these friends and leaves you home, I'm assuming you mean she goes out drinking with these men friends. To me thats unacceptable behavior. You need to tell her, its either these "friends" or me.
> 
> I also think its highly possible if shes not in a PA she is caught up in a EA. Most of the time, when a person is caught up in either a PA or EA, they are usually willing to put less effort into the marriage, dis the marriage as a whole, and defend other people, in her case, her "friends".
> 
> Its time to give her an ultimatium, and you need to follow through with what you say.


Hi Trey

Thanks for your reply, sorry im new here whats PA and EA??


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

generalinformatics said:


> Hi Trey
> 
> Thanks for your reply, sorry im new here whats PA and EA??


PA= Physical Affair
EA= Emotional Affair


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

general,

An EA is an emotional affair. PA is physical affair


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

generalinformatics said:


> Firstly she has said to me she has had multiple men asking her out on dates, one of which knows she is married and she is friendly with. *She goes out drinking with all these friends on a regular basis typically leaving me at home on my own to look after the kids sometimes every night of the week.*
> 
> She has repeatidly denied that she is having a relationship with any of these men but she keeps on saying she really likes one, but "only as a friend and he knows that". He is single.


Danger! Danger!

Why are you allowing this? These guys totally want in he pants and by the looks of it, she won't take that much convincing. She is disrespecting you. You better believe there is inappropriateness going on here.

Nip this in the bud if you want your marriage. Realize it takes efforts on both parts.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

general,

Your wife has given you the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You speech (ILYBNILWY). This is often one of the Red Flags seen in marriages that could indicate an affair is happening or about to. Some of the other Red Flags that you've seen are:

-she has had multiple men asking her out on dates, one of which knows she is married and she is friendly with
-She goes out drinking with all these friends on a regular basis typically leaving me at home sometimes every night of the week.
- she keeps on saying she really likes one, but "only as a friend

Also, her attempt to make it look like you're in an affair is very typical of a cheater

I would advise you to do the following NOW:

Put a kylogger on your PC
Get the records from your cell provider as far back as you can go. Look for a lot of texts/calls to one or a few different numbers
Buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) and put it under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Cheaters feel comfortable talking in their cars.

Do not ask or accuse her of cheating. Investigate quietly and get hard evidence before you confront. Others have made the mistake of confronting without hard evidence and it has never turned out well for them.

A couple of other questions:

-Is her cell phone password protected?
-Has she started to act differently or changed any behaviors other than the ones you already mentioned?
-Is she dressing differently or working out?
-On her nights out, does she shower before coming to bed?

Your wife is not acting like a married woman. She should not be out to all hours of the night with other men. She should be spending that time with you.

I'm sorry but I would be very surprised if she wasn't having an affair

Last, do some reading in the Coping With Infidelity section. It will open your eyes


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Loving, loyal married women with children don't go out partying with random men.

They stay home with their families.

Loving, loyal married women go out partying with their husbands & get a babysitter.

I think she needs to get a job or quit complaining about being a SAHM.

Others will chime in about possible affairs.


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

Hmm 

food for thought.. To be honest Ive thought about the affair thing and have asked her if there is anything going on to which she has passionatily denied and said "im the only one for her" and i kinda fell for it. 

Ive got a works xmas party coming up would like to go, but to be honest kinda scared incase I get accused of anything else with this women in work.


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

While im on the subject of my female work colleage. She is a nice friendly women and we do talk a lot about stuff in work but as far as Im concerned she is just a friend. Unless im in denial at the moment but my mind is all over the place and I dont know what to think at the moment

Its kinda like a Feel happier at work at the moment than at home, becuase I have company. there is nothing going on between my work colleage and me and im pretty sure neither of us would want anything going on in present circumstances or at all. Ive always been rubbish at reading people so I dont really know


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

generalinformatics said:


> While im on the subject of my female work colleage. She is a nice friendly women and we do talk a lot about stuff in work but as far as Im concerned she is just a friend. Unless im in denial at the moment but my mind is all over the place and I dont know what to think at the moment


That's how it always starts out....


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

dormant said:


> That's how it always starts out....


Hold the phone here

It isn't the OP we are dealing with here. he's not the one doing all this other stuff!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Hold the phone here
> 
> It isn't the OP we are dealing with here. he's not the one doing all this other stuff!


Agree.

She's accusing him to cover her own dubious actions.


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

Im only trying to sort my head out here!!! I honestly dont know things at the moment


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

You are right to be concerned. She is not being a good wife or mother. Put your foot down about your needs. 

You are interested in the other woman at work because of how your wife is treating you. Do not do anything with her, you can wait until you are divorced.

I think over the years the definition of marriage has been lost to alot of people.


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

I am at home again tonight with the kids she has gone out with her mum 

We both went round s friends last night got slightly drunk she spent the night with the girls 

And yes I was stuck with all there kids

Just had a shouting match with the kids tonight as they were fighting 
And throwing things they ignored me

Sat here in dark crying now because I have no respect from anyone and never felt this bad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

So yes I guess I'm starting to think about this work colleague while wondering if im being treated as a free babysitter.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Don't do anything with her yet. You will look worse in the eyes of the judge. You need to get your head straight, now is the time to collect intel to make you look as good as possible in court. 

That girl and many others will be waiting on the other side, especially if you man up and start working on yourself.


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

I dunno tho

Part of me is sad sometimes part is happy I don't want to hurt the kids badly

I've always been the one that wants everyone else to be happy above my own needs and happiness 

I try to please everyone 

Perhaps I have changed had enough I dunno
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

To be honest this seperation and divorce stuff scares the hell out of me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Your wife is not acting like a wife or mother. It is a process and takes time but you need to plant it in your head that you don't deserve this and your kids don't either. 

Read some books, learn about this situation. Let it settle in that you don't need her. She will *** up a couple more times and that will help the process along.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I smell an affair here. Time to snoop and do not confront her until you ask people here at TAM. For the kids sake do not contribute to additional damage by cheating yourself. 

You need to see if you can get her in MC with a pro marriage licensed counselor. Her detachment could be in relation to a Mid Life Crisis which many times leads to greenier grass hunting.

I wish you well.


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

The next time she is going to go out with her guy friends, arrange a sitter in advance and be available to go with her since you need to go out as a couple. Her reaction will tell you what you need to know.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

generalinformatics said:


> So yes I guess I'm starting to think about this work colleague while wondering if im being treated as a free babysitter.


Ok let me ask you some questions. She has been going out every night of the week for months now, leaving you with the kids and you have done nothing? Did I get that right? Seriously?

Why haven't you followed her out? Seen what was going on for yourself? Why didn't you Tell her she had to be home, she can't go out? Sounds to me like your a huge enabler here. It's almost like she has your permission to do this.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Carisma said:


> The next time she is going to go out with her guy friends, arrange a sitter in advance and be available to go with her since you need to go out as a couple. Her reaction will tell you what you need to know.


Nope, he follows her and then makes himself known the minute it's clear what she is up to.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Or she is treating him like **** and there is no need for any of that, just get rid of her now OP.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Toffer said:


> general,
> 
> Your wife has given you the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You speech (ILYBNILWY). This is often one of the Red Flags seen in marriages that could indicate an affair is happening or about to. Some of the other Red Flags that you've seen are:
> 
> ...


This!! ^^^

OP, I know this is a hard time, but you have to get it together and start gathering evidence. Don't confront without verification. Work on yourself to make yourself stronger and happier. You have to be there for yourself and your kids. Your wife has checked out of the marriage. Don't beg nor plead for her to stop what she's doing. She's deep in what's known as the "fog" of cheating. 

Work on your confidence, exercise, and do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better and to be there for your children. Definitely go over to the Coping with Infidelity forums to find more suggestions and stories about the kind of situation that you're in.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

You absolutely have to start working on yourself. Start with the kids. Demand respect and do not settle for anything less. If you are not in a regular excercise routine then get that going immediately and get yourself in shape if you are not. As far as the socializing find a non profit to volunteer at or get involved with a group that enjoys a hobby you do and let your wife know that is where you will be consistently that time of the week.

Oh and tell her to quit acting like a trollop. She has a husband and kids and that is her first priority. If she does not like that then let her know you are filing and you are giving her a week to figure out what she wants. Seriously quit feeling sorry for yourself and man up.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

RClawson said:


> Demand respect and do not settle for anything less.


 ^
This....ALWAYS!


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## generalinformatics (Oct 5, 2012)

We talked about Xmas presents yesterday she wants some expensive jewellery and my present is coming from eBay..

Felt a bit put out by that one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

general,

It doesn't seem that you've done ANYTHING to deal with this yet!

Sticking your head in the sand is a recipe for disaster.

INVESTIGATE and stop worrying about Xmas for God's sake!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

generalinformatics said:


> We talked about Xmas presents yesterday she wants some expensive jewellery and my present is coming from eBay..
> 
> Felt a bit put out by that one
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Buddy, if this is all you could muster up after 2 pages of some great advice and questions to ask yourself, then you my friend are doomed! Someone in your position can't afford to be passive. My guess is you've lost her already to a Physical Affair and frankly I don't know if anyone here can give you the advice you need to save your marriage. The time to have taken some action has come and gone.

Here is a suggestion for now. Find the "180" and start doing it. Then get this book: No more Mr. Nice Guy. You can find it here: The Book

I think your wife is doing this because she has no respect for you. You are way too passive in your relationship for her to have respect for you.


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