# Trying to normalize the reasons



## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Hello,
Yes, I know this is the Men's Clubhouse, that is why I am hoping some insight will make it easier for my girl brain to put things in perspective. Any sincere input will be appreciated.
Here goes : the abridged version .....
We had moved to a new state, husband started new job after being laid off for 5 mos. He had recently lost a father figure to a tragic accident, our life was tumultuous on the outside. We have been married for 15 years at that point. He hated his new job, and I had a new job that made it so we saw each other only a few days a month and slept in the bed at the same time only 4 days a month. So our relationship was deprived of our participation. Then, one night while I am at work and he is home he starts Facebook. See a possible problem here? yes, an old girlfriend from 1986 contacts him. They had lost touch with eachother after dating for a couple of months. Now she is getting a divorce and they start talking while he has time alone at the house and while he is at work. She lives in another state but arranges to start contract work and gets placement 3 hours from our home. The PA starts and I am of course oblivious. I trust my husband 150% and he still says he loves me, is affectionate and we have sex when possible. The PA starts in October of 11. I end up being home with an OJI event, (severely damaged Achilles). He says after November he was done wanting to be with her because the fantasy of the phone/texts etc. was not what real life was. He was disappointed in the sex and she became really clingy and demanding. During Dec. she would go to his work on nightshifts(solo shift) and see him (2 x) so they could screw and then New Years eve she left. He felt relieved because he did not think he would see her again. Thought it was over.......the texts and demand of calls continue. He has a company phone so I don't see the calls. He says they were only together 6 times during that time because schedules were hard to coordinate. Then he went to NY for training in March of 2012 and then we were moving another state in the south to start his new job. She got a new contract a few hours from where he was then and spent half of the time the first two weeks in March at his apartment since I was selling the house etc. in the other state 2k miles away. She became really serious about him since her divorce finalized. I was scheduled to come see my husband March 22 for a week. On March 20 she pretended to be a private eye who contacted me to let me know that my husband was having an affair. (he told her if she told me it was over for her). I confronted him with a phone call since he was in the other state. He denied it to me but when I asked him to swear to GOD he finally fessed. I asked for her number and called her. I stayed very calm and told her to stay away from my husband. She said it was up to him because they were deeply in love. He called her and said it was over and hung up very quickly. He said she cried and wanted to know why he was so cold to her. Then we talked most of the night. He cried, I cried, he said he would do anything.....etc etc, I am sure you can imagine that part. The next morning I was greeted by an email filled with Xrated pics of them. She was doing her best. I still kept my trip and went to see him the 22. We spent the first night together and I invited him to be with me. I needed to know if I could stand his touch without puking. I was ok, and the second night was not about them, it was about us. 
The next week she sent an email to his work with the same pics saying they needed to know what an immoral man they had hired. I advised him to deal with the issue straight on and he did not lose his new job because his boss was ready when HR contacted him. 
I figured out she was the "private eye" and after the last barrage of texts the day the emails were sent to the company she has not contacted since. We blocked her number for awhile. 
Now, fast forward, 14 mos. - my husband did talk with me and answered my questions for a while. He told mostly the truth, tho some details he was not truthful about and his dishonesty came out several months later which was a set back for me, but otherwise he was as supportive in my healing as possible for him and where he was at. He has been contrite and apologizes. He owns his actions. 
He swears he wants nothing to do with her and is completely in love with me and loves me more than ever before, etc. He swears such a thing will never happen again. He said he felt a bit like the wild pig in the woods who came in for grain and then slowly found the fence had been built around the feed pan until one day the gate was shut when he went in. Then he realize he was in a full fledged affair. Amazing when selfish needs are priority how one can be surprised at the results. 
I don't doubt his intentions and sincerity. What is the problem you wonder? At 14 mos. after Dday I still have bad days, there are still triggers. When I try to let him know how I feel or when things bother me he gets angry because to him I have had long enough to get over it. He says talking only is like picking at the scab and not letting the wound heal. There is no purpose in talking about what he can't change and we need to live in the present and plan for the future. etc..... He is done dealing with the issue and I try very hard but I feel like he is quitting me because now it is me causing problems if the affair/effects come up. We have limited time due to his work and he hates any time being wasted on talk about anything to do with this. 
So, if you were friends with a man in this situation, what would you say to him that might help him be able to help his wife keep healing and marriage keep rebuilding? I know there is terrible shame and guilt and much of his anger is at himself, but I think we need to express this to eachother and help eachother through emotions so they are not so powerful. I feel like I am on my own now when it comes to getting through the rest. So, any input will help me to normalize. I wish I could just be over it. Damn, I hate what this has done to me. I am normally really strong and usually think like a man more than a woman. But, this event really f'd with my emotions and I just want to get through it, not around it. I don't want to deal with ghosts of this ten years from now.
Thank you


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I would tell him that normal time to "get past" an affair is 2-5 years. To be in a position where it never comes into the BS's mind...possibly never so he needs to get over himself and carry this burden FOR YOU that HE CAUSED.

Sorry, an affair is like losing a limb of the marriage. It's not like a paper cut of a wound. Someone who loses an arm, learns how to go about their life without the arm, but don't tell me they don't notice that it's no longer there even years later.


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Thank you for your input. I realize he is dealing with his own feelings of disgust at his actions, shame and guilt as well as disappointment in his ownself for his actions. I hope we can find a way to have positive discussions where all of these aspects and feelings can be talked about and put them in their place instead of allowing them to have so much power over his actions, reactions and emotions. I deal with the direct aspects of the actual affair pretty well now, but making sense of some of the puzzle pieces that become important are hard for me. Some things still trigger me but I generally put them where they belong after I allow them to pass thru as quickly as possible. I have learned to not deny the time to acknowledge the things exist and move on. 
Thank you again,
Regards


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Hello,
Yes, he is an open book and there are no current issues with secrecy etc. Just our difficulty in dealing with the effects of the affair. We did some IC and MC, with minimal benefit. Hard to find a really good fit. I am considering some more IC just to get through the hard parts sometimes.
Thank you for your input.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

sdcott said:


> Hello,
> Yes, he is an open book and there are no current issues with secrecy etc. Just our difficulty in dealing with the effects of the affair. We did some IC and MC, with minimal benefit. Hard to find a really good fit. I am considering some more IC just to get through the hard parts sometimes.
> Thank you for your input.


You are selling yourself WAY short. He is the one who should be worried about you, NOT you about him and his feelings. He cheated, remember?

My H cheated on me too, and humiliated me with his lies, leaving me by myself at family gatherings or showing up when it almost over. Thanks to TAM I finally face the reality. Ever since he admit that he cheated, he has really bend over backwards for us to stay together. 

We are in R. It SUCKS. We went to a marriage crisis class at our church for 10 weeks. It was really, really, really an excellent class. Everything made sense and seemed right. It still doesn't help the pain that sit in my heart everyday. I can't truly say I hate my H, in fact I do believe I love him. But I HATE what he did to me. Since it has been about 5 months or so since we have been in R, I am willing to give it more time.

But if he act any kind of way like what you say your husband act (I read your other threads too), R would OVER. It no way I'm going to be dealing with the pain that HE caused and dealing with worrying about him. He could have avoid it all by not sticking it in someone other than his wife. I know that I was a good wife to him, a good mother to my two girls, and my chief goal was to make sure he always come home to a happy home. Since he threw that all away, he is the one who have to manage two people's pain and feelings, not me. 

Don't sell yourself short. You deserve everybit of his help, and NONE, I repeat NONE of his anger.


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