# am i wrong for feeling this way



## almondjoy

Me and my husband have been married a little less than a year. His family is from another country. I have always loved to travel and thought he did too. He feels that because his family lives there that is where we will go, and he wants to go at least a couple times a year, including the holidays. I love to go there but before we have kids, I would like to travel around a little bit. Its something I have always wanted to do. Financially we can afford it right now. I want to have a vacation with him without family always being around. It takes almost 20 hours to get there, and will owning his own business we dont have time to stop at other places along the way. He doesn't want to go to other countries when he could go to his home. We cant talk about this without fighting. I feel that I have no say in our decisions. 

On anther subject, this goes along with other issues. He makes the majority of the money, and feels that he does not want to buy a house now. However, I overhear him talking to other people and real estate agents about buying fixer uppers. He says I shouldnt care and just trust him. He loves to throw it in my face that it is HIS money. I do trust him, but I'd like to have a say in what is going on. I just feel that I gave up a career when I got married, and lost alot of the ability to make important decisions in my life. Am I being unreasonable?


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## MattMatt

> He loves to throw it in my face that it is HIS money.


 Red flag!

Controlling or what?:scratchhead:


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## YupItsMe

Sounds like you ought to get out before you have kids and a mortgage. You are incompatible.


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## Coffee Amore

almondjoy said:


> I feel that I have no say in our decisions.
> 
> He says I shouldnt care and just trust him. He loves to throw it in my face that it is HIS money. I do trust him, but I'd like to have a say in what is going on. I just feel that I gave up a career when I got married, and lost alot of the ability to make important decisions in my life. Am I being unreasonable?


I don't think you're being unreasonable. Unless you're in some country where you consider yourself subordinate to him, you're an equal in the marriage. It looks like he doesn't see you that way. He thinks that since he makes the money, he should control it. He sounds controlling. I don't think things are going to magically get better unless he decides to be more transparent with the financial matters, get your input for major financial decisions and treat you like an equal. And why would he make those changes? He has no incentive to change. Things are fine the way they are for him. Things are going to be this way for the rest of your married life. 

Why did you give up your career? 

It doesn't sound like you have children yet so why not work? And why not even work after you have children? I think having your own source of money is one of the best things a woman can do for herself. When you're completely financially dependent on someone else, you have to put up with a lot of things you wouldn't otherwise put up with. You should never ever give up the ability to make important decisions in your life. You're a grown woman, not a child. You need to be treated like one and you have to act like one too.


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## relationshipsguide_gal

almondjoy, it's understandable that your husband is making some decisions that involve his money. first of all it really is his money, he has every right to do with it any thing he wants to do with it. second, most guys are like that. they like to do things their way and the only thing you can do really, is to support him no matter what happens. if he's confident about his decision to buy fixer upper, then i guess you don't have anything to worry about, just trust him. yes, you can make suggestions regarding matters but the final decision will be his, you just have to learn to accept it. and if he does need your opinion about certain matters, i think he's gonna ask you for it. the best way to deal with this issue though is to be a 'wife'. husbands need all the support they can get from their wives. 

also, there's absolutely nothing wrong with traveling 20 hours to be with FAMILY on some occasions. if you don't have the same value for family then you can divorce him. there's really no use being with someone if you don't have the same values. you'll just keep on disagreeing about certain things. if you're willing to make sacrifices though, or willing to meet at a compromise, then your relationship is for keeps. best of luck! - mae (relationshipsguide_gal)


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## EleGirl

AlmondJoy,

Where do you live and where is your husband from? Knowing this will help use give you better advice since laws are different in different places.

Right now I'm going to assume you live in the USA>

The fact is that legally, when you marry, whatever income either of you makes belongs to the other spouse as well. So it's not his money. It's community income. Your husband does not see it this way. 

It does not matter that some men have the same attitude as your husband. Some men beat their wives. It does not make spousal abuse ok either.

Every financial move your husband makes affects you. In most states, if he makes any debt, you are as responsible as he is to pay it back. So while he might think it's his money... but the debt belongs to both of you.

Does your husband understand the family law in your state? Maybe you need to fill him in.

Why did you give up your career? This makes no sense. If I were you I'd go back to work. And I'd tell him that I'm doing it because he is using his income as a way to control you and your life. I have no doubt that once you are bringing in money, he will suddenly come up with a reason that your income is his money as well.


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## firefly789

If you had kids, then I could see giving up your career. But, I'm not sure why you had to give it up so soon. Your relationship sounds very unbalanced. He is making all the decisions and expecting you to go along with this. You two are not a team.

I am not sure if relationshipsguide_gal was kidding. That was awful advice. Once you marry, the money is not just his, it is both of yours. You need to work together.

As to visiting family, I can understand his desire to be with family. However, at a point, you two need to have vacations on your own to bond . Now is your time to travel and make wonderful memories.

Please don't have children until you work these issues out.


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## WorkingOnMe

This is something that we've had to deal with for 22 years now. I grew up in Michigan and my whole family lives there. My wife grew up here and her whole family lives here. We met when I was stationed here 22 years ago and when I got out of the service and we married, we decided to stay here. The thing is, she gets to be with her family all the time. I have sometimes gone years without seeing most of my family. When we have an opportunity to travel, I prefer to go to my home town and see the people that are important to me. She takes for granted the closeness that she gets to enjoy with her family. I can't remember the last time we had Christmas anywhere other than her parent's house. I'll bet if we moved to my home town that she'd want to spend every moment she could flying back here. Perhaps if you lived in his home country you'd want to spend a lot of your travel time flying home too.


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