# husband wants to watch me masturbate



## Isolde (Sep 22, 2011)

This has come up in the past, and I am very uncomfortable about it. Actually I am not a big masturbater to begin with - I would rather have sex with the person I am in a relationship with ie - him. It's not that I haven't done it it's just that if I felt the need I would do it privately without an audience. We have some toys that we occasionally use when we have sex, and recently he had both a bad case of poisen oak (don't ask) and a head cold so sex was out really but he brought up again that it would be great if we could both masturbate and relieve the tension (I was fine and was happy to wait until he was better). I told him flat out again that I don't feel comfortable with this situation and that it would leave me feeling creepy and disgusting -I think masturbation is private and not something I want to do in front of someone else - honestly I am normally very orgasmic and love having sex with him and know I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn't be able to relax enought to have any pleasure from the experience, he is now pissed off and offended, got angry and really hurt my feelings - we have actually been together for over 24 years so WTF? I don't know what to think at this point - opinions please.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Life gets in the way of actual intercourse all the time. However intimacy of any sort between you should always be the goal. Oral, manual stimulation, joing masterbation - I would be offended as well if I invested 20+ years with someone and they STILL weren't completely comfortable with me. (That is how he is feeling).

He wants to connect with you using alternative means and you don't. That hurts him some. He's probably thinking "I'm not even really going off the beaten path very far and she is already not participating".

Variety, experimentation, and participation are very important to most people, particularily men. There are far kinkier things he could be asking of you. If you can work towards being a little more comfortable expanding your repitiour, and adding tools to the toolbox you will most likely gain a much closer relationship.

Rather just saying no flat out. Work towards it. Baby steps. Maybe watch him first. Maybe watch him and feel your breasts at the same time. Maybe start off with phone sex where he can hear you but can't see you, work towards it on your own schedule but don't just shut it down entirely.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, I can see why you feel upset. No one wants to be compelled to do something that they don't feel comfortable with. That usually starts a process of an aversion to the act.

And I can see why your husband feels upset, because he wants to be able to have more intimacy with you and have you be more open.

With that said, you two need to come together with some kind of compromise and understanding because intimacy will take both of you working together, non-judgmentally with each other.

You should be able to talk with your husband and tell him how you feel about masturbating in front of him. I myself cannot do this because it makes me feel like I am 'putting on a show' and it is very difficult then to be able to do it (performance anxiety anyone?). However, it can happen when we both do it together.

Think about ways that you may be willing to explore this with him - would you feel comfortable doing it together - would you feel comfortable doing it partially clothed at first or covered with a sheet? If it's something that you just cannot bring yourself to do, he needs to learn to accept and respect that, but you should also accept and respect what his desires are, so look at what other things could you explore together.

Best wishes.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Yes this, she said pretty much what I was trying to say, just much more eloquently!




Enchantment said:


> Well, I can see why you feel upset. No one wants to be compelled to do something that they don't feel comfortable with. That usually starts a process of an aversion to the act.
> 
> And I can see why your husband feels upset, because he wants to be able to have more intimacy with you and have you be more open.
> 
> ...


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## inneedofmajorhelp74 (Sep 22, 2011)

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I am having a similar issue myself in regards to my husband wanting me to do things that I am just not comfortable with. I understand men want to spice things up but I also feel that he is not respecting my wishes. It is a tough situation honestly and hopefully things work out for the best


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## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

I think this is...kind of...a fantasy thing for a lot of men. We're pretty visual...and, the idea of watching our wives "flick the bean" to orgasm is definitely a hot, voyeuristic thought. But, the FACT is...a lot of women simply aren't comfortable with it.

For that matter...many men aren't comfortable stroking it for their wives enjoyment, either.

You can "work on it" if you want to..but, ultimately, it falls on him to respect your boundaries, and let fantasies be fantasies.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I think your husband is communicating that this is important to him. Try to cross the hurdle and do it to see how it goes. If you drink at all....perhaps a glass of wine to overcome feeling inhibited. It isn't a hurtful thing he is asking you. Give validation to the importance to him.

BTW Roy.....not all women use their hands to masterbate (flick the bean). Some rub on things. Some squeeze their legs. There are so many variations on how woman do it.


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

We do it in front of each other all the time, no big deal. Just let yourself go and enjoy each other. Some nights she asks me to get her toy for her and plays in front of me and asks me to do the same which gets her off even more. Other times we do it as foreplay which always works really well too. You should be glad he wants to watch you rather than porn .... not that we don't do that together too !


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## Isolde (Sep 22, 2011)

I am actually very open to other options of touch or HIS masturbating as an alternate and don't feel uncomfortable at all with that, during sex he sometimes likes me to fondle my own breast - fine - no issues - I just really feel very uncomfortable about going at it with a vibrator while someone watches I don't know why I have such a hang up about it. He also makes it hard to be more intimate sometimes because while he is very sexual he is not overly demonstrative or affectionate and I am. He doesn't tolerate affection from anyone but me where I am much more openly affectionate for example with friends and family, and give lots of hugs for greetings, ect, he is the opposite but accepts them from me but will not normally initiate them - We normally have enjoyed a very close marraige but he has been under a lot of stress at work, I have been concerned, he really blew up over this and overreacted and hurt my feelings. I wonder if we need to see a therapist to move past this issue, I am very hurt at his reaction and the way he handled it. I think I wish he were more affectionate and he wishes I were more sexual.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Isolde said:


> I am actually very open to other options of touch or HIS masturbating as an alternate and don't feel uncomfortable at all with that, during sex he sometimes likes me to fondle my own breast - fine - no issues - I just really feel very uncomfortable about going at it with a vibrator while someone watches I don't know why I have such a hang up about it. He also makes it hard to be more intimate sometimes because while he is very sexual he is not overly demonstrative or affectionate and I am. He doesn't tolerate affection from anyone but me where I am much more openly affectionate for example with friends and family, and give lots of hugs for greetings, ect, he is the opposite but accepts them from me but will not normally initiate them - We normally have enjoyed a very close marraige but he has been under a lot of stress at work, I have been concerned, he really blew up over this and overreacted and hurt my feelings. I wonder if we need to see a therapist to move past this issue, I am very hurt at his reaction and the way he handled it. I think I wish he were more affectionate and he wishes I were more sexual.




A couple of things:

I could eat in the same restaurant for 25 years. Really, I could. But that doesn't mean I'm going to want to order the _same thing_ every day. If I decide for fries instead of chips one day, that shouldn't upset the apple cart. If the waitress told me that bringing me fries was just too private for her to handle, after 25 years of chips I might get emotive, too. And I might start to get realllllly hung up on fries.

Secondly, it might make you uncomfortable, granted. Now, are you sure that you don't ask your husband to do anything he's uncomfortable with? In bed or out? And are you willing to allow him to refuse to do something he's uncomfortable with (in bed or out)? Careful how you answer . . . you might not like the result.

You both need to compromise. But from where I'm sitting, it doesn't sound like much to ask. And if it gets him this riled up, you can bet that this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to him being sexually unsatisfied.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

And, if you do it for him, it will open you up sexually in ways you would like. It is good for you as a person.

That you use vibrators ...... does he know you do? Maybe you can verbally tell him how you do it before you actually do it. Conversation. Connection.

A glass or two of wine would help. (Unless you are on the wagon due to problems with drinking).

I think you should 'work it girl'.

I say that as someone who knows it is scary to consider but well worth it.

His anger problems.....well.....that is another issue?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

talk to him about your feelings-----but give it a try. He's hot for you and that's a good thing!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Isolde said:


> , I am very hurt at his reaction and the way he handled it. I think I wish he were more affectionate and he wishes I were more sexual.


Does your husband know this and acknowledge it? Is he willing to work with you on trying to meet your needs too? Are you willing to work with him on trying to meet his (and that doesn't necessarily mean masturbating in front of him but exploring things that you mutually, consensually agree to doing to help spice things up)?

You need to tell him exactly what you wrote because it sounds like you will need to both meet somewhere in the middle. Letting it just sit will only cause it to fester and that is never good.

Best wishes.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My H and I sometimes mutually masturbate in front of each other. I find it really arousing to watch him and this leads to "I can't take it any longer just watching you" sex. 

As usual I agree with Enchantment, who manages to express her communication thoughtfully and elegantly. 

I would like to add that while this may be a fantasy for your husband, and no-one should feel guilty or pressured into doing something they're uncomfortable with, I also consider part of the appeal is knowing you can be completely free and open with each other. We all have different approaches with sex but personally I view this less as a show and more of being let in to something completely intimate and sensual. As Enchantment suggested, it could be partly beneath the covers, it could be however you want it to be if you were ever to consider it .....but just as your H has opened up to you in what would turn him on, you need to open up to him in return and express why you won't do this and your thoughts about him being more affectionate. With or without masturbation, it sounds like you need to expose some vulnerabilities and open up - to help both of you avoid possible resentment and try to understand one another better. Maybe? It's a thought.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

If you are uncomfortable with it then you shouldn't do it... However you could always try it once and once you "let go" you may find that you may like it.

I have asked my h if this is something he would like me to do for him... He never game me a yes or no...


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I'm a bit the same. My hubby kept bugging me about it so eventually i said what the hell. So I went to do it and the fact that hubby was watching me totally killed the moment. Horniness gone. It's not the same when someone is sitting there watching you - its spooky and feels uncomfortable and.. wrong. And then he was all disappointed blah blah blah.

So my advice would be if you are uncomfortable with it then say to him "No, that is not going to happen" and put your foot down. You do what YOU are comfortable with, and that is really the bottom line. He will just have to be happy with what he has, ie real sex.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

My wife was also uncomfortable with it, but did try it for me. It took her a bit, along with my kissing her neck, whispering in her ear and caressing her, but she got there. It was an incredible gift, becuase she tried that for me, and I made sure to let her know. Honestly, it was a gift even is she would have stopped in the middle.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, guy has it right.

I have a feeling that you are viewing it as you sitting on stage at ******* Square Garden and he's in the audience watching you "perform". You got to get that out of your head and compromise. You can suggest that HE use a viberator on you all the while, he could be kissing your neck or your chest, anything to help you relax. It may be an incredible experience that the two of you can enjoy. You can get lost in the moment, and he can get turned on by having complete control over the situation.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Try it while he is inside you..... awesomeness for BOTH of you!!!!


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

From a husband's point of view and my own experience, there are a few things at play here:

1.) He probably views the fact that you're not comfortable with masturbating in his presence as an indication that you're not comfortable and completely open with him sexually. I've had the same discussion with my wife (who isn't as sexually open as I am) and this was the big issue I had at the time.

2.) Husbands want our wives to be satisfied, and when for some reason (like poison oak) we can't satisfy you, we want to find a way to help. Mutual masturbation gives us the sense that we're taking part in the sexual experience with our wives.

and finally

3.) He's probably frustrated, which led to his strong reaction. On the bright side, this means he cares. 

So, my advice: 

If you can find a way to stomach masturbating with him, do it. Your husband will learn a lot about you sexually, and might find some tips along the way (same goes for you). Remember, he won't judge you for it and you've already shared your body with him. As a first step, try doing it under the covers, you won't see anything but each other's faces and you can work your way up to actually watching. My wife and I resort to mutual masturbation or stimulating each other manually when we're too tired for anything else and we've come to really enjoy it. 

If you can't stomach it, you need to be very clear with him about why you're not comfortable with it and make sure you reinforce that it has nothing to do with the fact that you're not comfortable with him. He might be disappointed, but if you really don't want to do it, he'll drop it after a while. I'm sure you have other boundaries that he respects, he'll come to respect this one.

Good luck!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think the fact that he gets angry because you won't do what he wants is unwise on his part. Why would anyone want to please an angry partner? You are already inhibited about it, the best way to handle the situation would have been to be playful with you encourage small steps, being pleased, encouraging and happy with any progress towards the goal. 

It worked for me with my husband and I am certain I was much more inhibited than you. If my husband got angry at my discomfort I would have stood my ground in response. That is natural I think. Sex is so intimate an act, how can you get a partner to try new things by getting angry. I am certain he does not respond well when you make a request and get angry when he does not comply. It is more so with sexual inhibition. 

The poster who thought that 20 yrs was an investment that should mean you need to comply with sexual request no matter how you feel is way off the mark. Rather with 20 of satisfying sex should be an assurance that you are comfortable enough to express what you are comfortable with and not get an angry response. The aim of sex is that it be mutually satisfying not an investment for coercion of one partner with anger. 

I think you should not react with anger back. After 20 good year he deserves some slack. He is frustrated no doubt and is not handling things well. It would be good to step around in his shoes and know that he still finds you sexually attractive that is the holy grail of a long term relationship. Don't be put off by the fact that he wants to see you it is a compliment not at all a bad thing. 

Think of it this way, if you complemented him and he rejected your compliment how would you react? Hurt right. Sometimes men hide hurt and express anger because it is a more acceptable emotion for a man. So try to understand that. 

With the above in mind, could you tell him that you understand how he feels but his anger makes you not want to try. Let him know how pleased you are that he finds you sexy. Work up a plan starting slow. Maybe at first touching yourself while spooning. He is holding you and you will feel more comfortable then work up. You may never be able to masturbate to orgasm but you tried. 

In the final analysis you have to understand him and he has to understand you. Women are less exibitionist than men and are less likely to want to put on a show. Also, putting on a show may seem disconnected and not particularly satisfying for you. You both have to work out how to make it a fun experience for you both or you are not likely to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'd like to add something else, looking at your sex life like you are a chinese menu full of options to keep him sexually satisfied is a ridiculous way to look at sex. You both have to keep each other satisfied and with the affection - if he is unwilling to give you what you need in that area of the menu than why should offer him all of the options on your menu? What a way to live, it is cold calculating and has nothing to do with loving mutually satisfying intimacy. 

With just sex, you aim is to get as much as you think you are entitled to from your partner or else. If you get into to that it is better to bow out and let the guy try and find a woman who will get him off with no expectations of affection or love. It will cost him. 

If you looked at sex with your husband in that way I am certain you would not still be having sex with him. I am glad you don't and that you communicate what you need. The fact that he does not get it is concerning because it sounds as if you are reaching a tipping point where you may find sex with him unsatisfactory. You both need variety but before that you need the basics to keep you engaged. 

I think you are reaching an important crossroads in your marriage. Sounds like there are ongoing issues and this incident has tipped off a strong reaction in you. The way you handle this is critical to your future happiness. Are you certain that this is just about sex? Do you feel he is getting what he needs more than you are getting what you need? If that is the dynamic, you need to work on that. Don't hint or prevaricate, be clear. Present it as a problem the way you did here. Challenge him to work on a solution. If there are other issues, this may be a good time to seek the help of a third party to tune up the relationship. Don't wait until things get really bad. 

If he does not go to therapy then you go. You have to get his attention and give him an incentive to change. First set boundreies. There are certain things you need to maintain the intimacy you both enjoy. Ask clearly for what you need and if you get no change institute consequences. If there are things you are doing that are not reciprocated after you have made it clear what you need then stop doing them. He will not change if you have no boundreies and allow him to ignore your key needs. Not picky trivial things but big things that are causing problems. 

Some will say give him what he wants it a small thing. That's the problem, he thinks it is a all thing because it is to him but it is not small to you so that is the deciding factor. You understand that his request are important to him but he needs to understand that yours are the same. 

If he can't meet yours because he is not comfortable with affection than he should understand why you can't meet his due to your discomfort. You should both do things that help you stretch - he should make a consistent commitment to be affectionate and you to try masturbation. That is a decent compromise. He has to work too, may make him more compassionate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PartyGalAnne (Jun 4, 2010)

Put a blindfold on so you can't see him watching you. Trust me- it works!


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## Wantsmore (Sep 13, 2011)

I have been with my wife for 20 years and she is so uncomfortable when it comes to sex she has even a hard time talking about it and not getting all embarrassed. Let alone getting herself off in front of me.

We have had long talks about a lot of different things over the years. And she is always the same. Hardly says a word. I have asked her to play with herself during sex and she can't bring herself to do it. The hand will go there and it doesn't move. I asked her about if she has ever masturbated and she skirts the answer every time. So I know she does but I have a feeling something was said to her at a young age that made it a forbidden activity.

I find it hard to believe that any woman hasn't touched herself at least once in her life time and enjoyed it. I mean come on I have seen my (at the time) 3 year old daughter playing with herself with a room full of people. Or as she calls it "wiggling". Kids sometimes start doing things at a young age they have no idea what they are doing but they do it anyway. Parents sometimes say things to kids that make them feel bad or "dirty" for doing it. When in fact they do it themselves, that is a fact. Kind of like when you see some hippo crate on the news spouting off about how evil that something is only to be found out they are doing the same thing. 

He should get over it and live with the fact it probably wont happen. Kind of like I have come to live with the fact I rarely get a bj from my wife even though she knows it drives me up the wall. Or you could open up and try it once and see where that goes for you. You never know you might like it. Chances are you are like my wife and afraid to say or do anything that might make you a dirty girl. 

I for one think it is a huge turn on to know that a woman is so proper in public but close the bedroom door and she could compete with biggest porn star. I just cant for the life of me figure out why people after being with one another for the better part of your life, still have hang ups over the thing that could be so much more fun and satisfying for the both of you.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Glass of wine ladies. Glass of wine.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

my wife use to enjoy mutual but now is over it.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Just bought the wife a new toy, she broke it in without me but she's promised to let me join in the festivities. I'm grinning ear to ear over her!


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## Arthur84 (Feb 21, 2012)

This was totally us a year ago. The trick for us was buying the right toys (a rabbit vibrator and a glass dildo), and me starting out next to hear, kissing her and touching other parts of her body. Now its a big part of our sex life, and I am very happy.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I wish my h wanted to watch. I start and he says "that's my job!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I wish my h wanted to watch. I start and he says "that's my job!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For most of us, we can only watch for so long. See my post about my wife teasing me by practicing the hula nude in one of those "Spice up my sex life" threads. I can only deal with a certain amount of that until it's time to stop the teasing and ... shall I say ... do my job? .


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## frankd (Feb 22, 2012)

As a dude, I consider masturbation a pretty private activity. Although my wife knows I masturbate, I would not do it knowing she knows I'm doing it.
I'm sure Isolde feels the same way. It's not a matter of letting go, just that it's something private and you need to give your full attention to it.
But then, perhaps he wants to watch and learn.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I was like "what's the big deal with that?" Then after reading more, I was like "oh, are we talking about 'putting on a show', i.e., as in porn style? Gees, can't do that". 

When I masterbate, I am always face down, because I grew up (from a very young age) humping pillows or blankets. That was actually bad because I learnt to rely too much on clitoral stimulation but fortunatley I discovered my G spot later...but anyways, I still do it sort of sideways with my hand from behind. So, I would do this with my husband behind me, basically like spooning, and I would ask him to caress me and talk dirty to me. I am not putting on a show and can't even see him. He enjoys watching me getting there. Perhaps you can try something like that. Your husband will not get a full frontal view but he might still enjoy seeing your pleasure.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

frankd said:


> As a dude, I consider masturbation a pretty private activity. Although my wife knows I masturbate, I would do it knowing she knows I'm doing it.
> I'm sure Isolde feels the same way. It's not a matter of letting go, just that it's something private and you need to give your full attention to it.
> But then, perhaps he wants to watch and learn.


From a man's POV ... maybe this applies to women at least to some degree as well: It took a LONG time for me to realize that my wife found it a turn-on to see me masturbate. (My story is on page 18 of the thread "Do women like to watch men masturbate"). When I learned it, it was a VERY difficult thing for me to do the first time. It turned out to be such a huge turn-on for my wife, though, and I spent all those years never knowing that. Once I got past the hang-ups, and saw her as a participant with me, it became something quite nice that we could incorporate into our love-making. That includes sometimes now where it is a show, sometimes when she helps, and sometimes when she can't stand it any more and it becomes wildly passionate sex. Nothing we do is an every time thing, but this has been a nice addition to what we do, now, and she has begun to return the favor for me - very nice. 

It's a hangup at first, I understand. When I got past my hangup, and did it for her, it was very nice. That's my bit in it for what it's worth.

*EDIT:* FWIW, my hangup with masturbating for my wife is actually the reason for my screen name here. You can probably tell I'm not normally shy, but I had to overcome a huge hangup to even admit to my wife I masturbated, then another one to do it for her. When I saw the questions in the thread I mentioned above where women were asking how to get their husbands to do that, I decided to register and post my experience, but it was even a bigger hangup to post that ... I felt very "shy" about doing that, so I registered as "shy_guy." My hangups were big, but I'm glad I overcame them. I'm not pushing, just trying to be open and show how real of a hangup it was for me to overcome.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

From your point of view, he should not get angry just because you are uncomfortable doing this. From his point of view, there is nothing as HOT as watching a woman pleasure herself. It took my wife many years to be comfortable with doing this for me, but now she will and she really enjoys it.

So you need to tell him in a calm manner how you felt that he got angry at you over this. Then you need to find out why this is so uncomfortable for you. Anything is acceptable between husband and wife. You are not doing something "dirty." Give it a try...you might be surprised. However, you must make it clear that his "pouting" has nothing to do with it. You do love him and want to please him. What can he do for you in return?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It took me a long time to be able to do this for my hubby. A drink or two DOES help to loosen me up  I was brought up in a very religious household which left me with some hang ups about sex, masturbation included. Once I realized it was just that - a hang up - and I decided it was something I wanted to do to please him, it was much easier to do so.

He does do a lot for me in the bedroom though. That engenders an atmosphere where I want to please him too. If he was just selfish, it wouldn't.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I say give it a few try's. If you hate it then tell him you tried and you really dont like it. But, who knows if you actually relax, maybe watch him do it, you may discover something you both enjoy. Think of it this way...If you wanted to watch him and he refused to even entertain the idea, how would that make you feel? 

Try it, you might like it if you'll allow yourself to.


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## Stu1970 (Mar 7, 2012)

May I comment here..........
I am currently introducing my wife to self masturbation but I am trying to do this carefully as i really don't want to force her into this and scare her off!!
I am trying to promote a wider more enjoyable sex life than just a 'roll on roll off' relationship but i need my wife to explore her body and realise that she is beautiful and that sex is about both of us enjoying the moment.
One of the things i am trying to do is to get her to explore her body in greater detail in a hope that this might generate a greater interest in love making. i am not asking her masterbate in front of me alone whilst i watch. One of the things i have been trying as part of our foreplay is using massage oil and holding her hands and gently sliding them all over her body and to the areas that i like to caress and touch. we have done this a couple of times now and so far its great. The next move is for something more like a reverse cowgirl but again whilst we are together in this position i will take hold of her oiled hands from behind and gently guide them over her breasts and slowly down between her legs to that she can feel and work with me. She has felt inside herself recently but commented that she felt abnormal!! i am trying to get her to understand that she is so very normal there so that she can relax more and again enjoy the moment. i think with a lot of tenderness and a bit of time she will be doing this and more without even me asking her too....

I say that you should try this and take your time with your husband and slowly introduce it and then a bit more and a bit more until you are comfortable with it. 

good luck :0))


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Isolde said:


> This has come up in the past, and I am very uncomfortable about it. Actually I am not a big masturbater to begin with - I would rather have sex with the person I am in a relationship with ie - him. It's not that I haven't done it it's just that if I felt the need I would do it privately without an audience. We have some toys that we occasionally use when we have sex, and recently he had both a bad case of poisen oak (don't ask) and a head cold so sex was out really but he brought up again that it would be great if we could both masturbate and relieve the tension (I was fine and was happy to wait until he was better). I told him flat out again that I don't feel comfortable with this situation and that it would leave me feeling creepy and disgusting -I think masturbation is private and not something I want to do in front of someone else - honestly I am normally very orgasmic and love having sex with him and know I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn't be able to relax enought to have any pleasure from the experience, he is now pissed off and offended, got angry and really hurt my feelings - we have actually been together for over 24 years so WTF? I don't know what to think at this point - opinions please.




I think if you actually tried to masturbate in front of him it would get easier for you over time. Maybe you should try it with a mask on over your eyes. You don't need to see him watching you. Otherwise I think your lucky. I tried to do this with my husband but he would rather not watch me touching myself. It gives him the urge to do it for me.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Isolde said:


> This has come up in the past, and I am very uncomfortable about it. Actually I am not a big masturbater to begin with - I would rather have sex with the person I am in a relationship with ie - him. It's not that I haven't done it it's just that if I felt the need I would do it privately without an audience. We have some toys that we occasionally use when we have sex, and recently he had both a bad case of poisen oak (don't ask) and a head cold so sex was out really but he brought up again that it would be great if we could both masturbate and relieve the tension (I was fine and was happy to wait until he was better). I told him flat out again that I don't feel comfortable with this situation and that it would leave me feeling creepy and disgusting -I think masturbation is private and not something I want to do in front of someone else - honestly I am normally very orgasmic and love having sex with him and know I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn't be able to relax enought to have any pleasure from the experience, he is now pissed off and offended, got angry and really hurt my feelings - we have actually been together for over 24 years so WTF? I don't know what to think at this point - opinions please.


I would say your husband's reaction is childish, but I understand it because its how I would have reacted to something like this even up to a few years ago. 
Its easy to say you should open up and be comfortable around your husband etc - but if by guessing on your age you are into your mid to late 40s and masturbation makes you uncomfortable in front of your husband, I don't know if you are going to have a revelation about this. 
Perhaps a compromise could be reached. My wife's attitude about masturbation is very similar to yours. But she knows I think its very _very_ hot. So when we are intimate and shes in the right mood - she'll do it for a few minutes, for me. Do I wish it was more - sure, but she does compromise for me, and I appreciate that. So perhaps that can be a solution for you.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

There are a lot of good suggestions in the previous posts. I think most of them are on target. It is true that you should not be forced to do anything that you are uncomfortable with doing and his angry reaction was uncalled for. But, I do not see this as anything that you and your husband can't get past. 
My wife and I have done this in front of each other for a few years now. At first, we were both very hesitant, her more so than me. At first, I thought that I wanted to do it because of the erotic and spicy nature of the activity....and believe me, it is extremely hot when she does (I'm VERY visual). But over time, it has actually developed into a bit more. I believe that it was like this from the beginning but I have come to realize that it is also about the intimacy and emotional aspect of the relationship. I find it amazing that my wife and I have come to the point in our relationship (23 years this past Sunday) where we feel comfortable enough to do this with and for each other.
As I said before, I think this is something you can get through but it will require a bit of compromise from both sides.
My suggestions:
Make sure you are comfortable with the whole concept of masturbation, for yourself and your husband. Make sure there are no deep seated feelings that might be skewing your perceptions. If you discover that you have hang ups about masturbation in general, you will need to work through that.
Assuming you are comfortable with masturbation, sit your husband down and discuss the situation calmly and rationally. Let him know that while you love him and appreciate him and the stress that he has been under lately, becoming angry and trying to force you to do something that you are uncomfortable with is not the way to go about trying to get his way. Let him know that you are willing to discuss the issue but he needs to develop an understanding of how difficult this is for you. 
Begin a process whereby you and your husband gradually work up to the point where you are both satisfied. It will require you to move outside of your comfort zone a bit, but it will require him to be a bit more patient and understanding.
After setting the framework through conversation, begin slowly. Someone in a previous post mentioned doing it in bed while the covers were pulled up to your neck so that you don’t feel so “exposed” but at the same time it would allow for you to get comfortable with the idea of doing it with him in the room. Perhaps this could graduate to doing this on top of the covers but with all lights totally off and dark. If this were my situation, just the sound of my wife’s pleasure would get me revved up. From there, graduate to on top of covers, lights on but sitting back to back, skin touching but he cannot actually see you at this point. Again, slow steps. The idea is that eventually, you may learn to feel freer in your willingness to fulfill this request from your husband and he will learn some patience and the virtue of communication. 
I might also mention that the payoff can be huge for both of you if you are able to succeed at this. You will both explore a new area of married sexuality and the intimacy that you will gain will be indescribable. 
Good Luck!


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I am truly sorry this issue is causing conflict for you and your H. My wife was bashful at first in this regard which is really strange as I have masturbated in front of her dozens of times before. Similarly, she hid the use of a toy from me for months and even denied using it. The strange thing is that she had previously admitted to using a vibrator in the past and even let me use it on her and her on herself. I strongly believe this is all caused by the shame parents and/or society has placed on us regarding this sort of thing. I think this is more directed toward girls than boys. Stupid double standard! 

Many people fail to recognize the impact that parents can have on their own sexuality. They think “my parents never told me “masturbation is dirty and don’t do it” but, they have to understand that even when they were very young and over the years the non-verbal ques your parents gave you when you touched your genitals or how uncomfortable they became when the topic of sex come up. Just the fact we our society says that can’t we shouldn’t let people see our genitals sends a message that there is something bad (or at the very least very private) about them. Most modern societies have even added breast to be something that we need to cover even when we swim. I am not advocating nudity but, you see my point. In addition tittle kids can pick up on subjects that parents don’t want to talk about. Kids also notice how parents react when a provocative conversation comes on the TV and how parents react. 

I thank God that my mom was smart enough to openly talk (briefly) about sex. She bought me books with pictures. These books told me that it was OK and natural to become aroused, to be interested in the opposite sex and to masturbate. The topics of oral, anal and were also broached in a somewhat clinical and non-judgmental way. 

I am glad that I am involved with Tam and the open minded people like the original poster hear who has the courage in front of what can be a rough crowd to share with us her apprehension about this issue. 

I say to you the original poster with sincerity and a kind heart:

People publically drink wine, beer, wine, get massages, eat deserts or other food that is equally nutritionally void, smoke cigarettes or do other not entirely benign things publically. All of these things are done for the sole purpose of providing pleasure and are done without any shame whatsoever. Yet, the act of self-pleasuring is somehow something that is viewed as bad, dirty and shameful. I am not promoting masturbating in public (LOL) but, you get my point. I make this point to perhaps give you some insight to why you (and others) feel the way you do. 

Some people say that your husband should respect your wishes. I would venture ask what is it about your genitals and/or the act of you touching them for him to be so bad that you would not be willing to do this? What are you really apprehensive about? Are you self-conscious about him seeing you in a certain way? I am not suggesting that there should not be some boundries in a marriage regarding sex but, I don’t see why you could not at least try to become more comfortable with this one.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Does anyone else feel this way. I don't think that this request has anything to do with intimacy. 

The fact that he got angry and is comfortable using anger to make her do something that makes her uncomfortable, does not say intimacy to me. He wants pleasure and that's ok. 

When I read this my reaction is, yea right. I am not saying that the belief is insincere but it sounds like the things teenaged boys say to get in a girls pants. I wonder if other people feel this way. 

I mention it because his partner may not buy this interpretation and may dismiss trying because it does not ring true. 

If he posted I would advise him to banish anger from his attitude about sex, no rationalization. Then he should think of his sexual desire in terms of mutual pleasure and not acts that his wife needs to do for him. 

With that attitude, he would be able to back off with a hug. He would realize that he is too focused on himself and as a consequence, too abrupt in his approach. 

Instead of anger he could calmly think of ways to introduce in small steps, looking out for her comfort and pleasure along the way. 

That is more likely to get him the fun that he wants because she would join him willingly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

rock said:


> Rejecting his need for intimacy will only scar him in the long run.


Wow not putting on a mastubation show while she is uncomfortable will scar him. How so? 

I think she is the one who will be scared because her needs for intimacy which I assumed is warmth, love, trust and safety, is not being met. 

He is not the only one with intimacy needs and he does not sound like his feelings are so delicate.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This was a big step for my wife and I. We followed 101 nights of great sex, The Laura Corn Challenge, it was great. I was told to sit the the closet on a chair and just peak out and not say a word. Wife walked in undressed, layed down on the bed and went to town. Three minutes later she told me to get out there and take care of business. It was awesome! 

That said you should not be pressured to do anything you do not want to but after 20 years, you should be open enough to try things like this. No pain, and it is something you would do for yourself, why not include him


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

She is feeling uncomfortable...since she is doing it in front of someone else..and she feels it's a private thing to do so...

Hmmm

What really happens when two are having foreplay and then intercourse is that a man is "masterbating" the woman through his "god damn weapon" and by other parts of his body(fingers,hand plays, hard slaps at the butt , using mouth,going down etc like a machine ...so she gets the pleasure through the power strokes , piston works and total caress through such stimulation, and all over the woman's body for leading to ecstasy and bliss...and he is both an active partner, prime mover and witness to her expressions( violent, virulent, shrieking,groaning expressions n so on ) there of

..her face will show similar experiences as when she self-stimulates her 

so why not she do the required thing he asks..?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh sorry - putting on a masturbation show for her husband. Why do you object to that? 

I couples should share, but that to me does not necessarily mean every sex act has to be done exactly the way one person wants. 

Compromise, small steps and affection.

What do you think about his inability to provide her with the affection she needs? Seems that that is a basic need of hers. 

What would you advise her to do? She may not be inclined to share much more than she already is while not getting her needs met.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

My ex was like that...but he was completely obsessed with female masturbation to the point he did some inappropriate things with many women including a teenage girl. Mine tried it with me, but it didn't bring the same thrill of the inappropriate and illicit. He tried to get me to do on camera, and that's where my efforts ended.

When I divorced, I experimented a lot...but one thing I will never do is masturbate for a man because it just gives me a lot of bad memories. My ex had to go to sex addicts meetings over it...he was OBSESSED...so it gives me a bad feeling. 

All this being said...I don't like it. I have my reasons. Therefore I will not do it. I will do A LOT but not that. 

You have the right to draw boundaries sexually based on what makes you unhappy. I think it's extremely important to please our partners sexually, but you have a self to please as well. 

You are allowed to say no on occassion when something really turns you off.

I know that I'd like my husband to play out this one particular fantasy, but it's kind of extreme and taboo. I think he will one day, but he's not quite comfortable with it yet. I don't want him to do it until he REALLY likes the idea. If he's not turned on by it, I'm not going to be turned on either.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Rock you may see sex as simple and affection complex but suppose your partner thinks the other way around? Should your assessment be accepted as the final word on the subject and your partner's feelings dismissed if she feels differently. 

I think sex is as complex as affection and both are important. The OP says that she is having all the sex he wants but because she won't put on a masturbation show you think affection becomes too complicated? 

That seems self-serving but very human. We frequently elevate what is important to us and ignore what our partner considers importantant. 

Oh then you understand the women who deny their husbands intimacy. They dismiss their husbands feelings because they think it is too complex There is no reason that both men and woman can't decide what they feel and act accordingly, right? 

Or we can consider that the way our partner feels is equally important to our own feelings.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

My partner has never asked me to do that for her and has given me only very few hand jobs. It's something I wouldn't be opposed to at all but to each their own. I'd rather have the real.thing. I would also rather take care of her masturbation needs and be involved but Id wouldn't mind watching if that would turn her on. I guess what I'm saying is unless ther is an abuse issue to work on, then take it slow and try it. Work it into foreplay a little at a time until its not an issue. Use it as a reward for something that would make your day better or outstanding and rock.his world. Something like if you cook dinner, ill bring the show. I'm not for denying sex as a manipulation but favors are different. 

IMHO both partners satisfaction is equally important. I'm kind of a strange bird as there isn't much I've found I'm not willing to do for or with my partner, so I do have a hard time understanding hangups. On the other hand, I appreciate it very much when I'm with someone who is an open canvas and there are little inhibitions to stop spontaneity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

It looks like the poster never responded again. Most of the responses from everyone seemed reasonable and suggested that she open up to husband more and work with him and talk to him about it. Because she hasn't responded, I'm guessing she gave up and will not work with him. I hope that is not the case. Being stubborn is what ruins marriages.

My wife is very similar. She says no to everything and there is no negotiation


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