# Can’t make myself to get to final decision



## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

Never thought that I would actually turn to the forum, but I guess I’m just seeking some support from the people who’s been in my shoes. 
I (32F) have been married for 7 years with who I thought was the love of my life. We’ve known each other for 10 years and the first 7 years of our relationship were great. We used to travel a lot, enjoy each other company and just be on the same page for pretty much everything. 
Then we sort of settled down in one place because of his new job. And since then things started to fall apart. I have tried to keeping us together as much as I could, but he was just unhappy about everything - about his job, about the place, the city where we’ve been living in, about our financial situation etc. Most of my attempts to get us out of the apartment and go somewhere to change the scenery would fail, because he never wanted to go anywhere. He started to drink a lot as well. We fought about pretty much everything. After one of the biggest fights I managed to get his to the psychologist, but he went just once. 
The final drop happened this spring. He has a chalet in his hometown, which is located a 5 hrs drive from the city where we live. About three years ago he started to have an obsession about that place. Like it is the only place where he wants to live, have vacation, go on weekends etc. I used to like the place to spend some time on vacays for example, but have never considered it as a final destination because it’s in a remote area and a small town - there were literally no job prospects or opportunities for neither of us, hence I was always against idea of moving there for good. And he knew that. 
When the whole Covid and quarantine thing started, he lost his job unfortunately. I have tried to support him the best way i could, was saying that we’ll get through it and everything will be alright. 
His reaction to everything was cardinal - he decided to go to his chalet and leave me alone in the city. I couldn’t go with him because of my work. 
Just to add here - I am a new immigrant to the country, so he and his family are the only family I have here. So I was literally left completely alone, without any family and pretty much no friends. 
He asked me to move there with him in an ultimatum form - that he stays to live there with or without me. So basically I had to give up everything I worked so hard for in the past three years in a foreign country (it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for me) and start over again. And hoping he won’t ditch me again when things get rough. 
I declined.. 
He’s not coming back, so we’ve been living like this since March. I am completely alone here, my family is abroad, and will all the border closures I can’t even go see them. I have very little friends here because I’m new around. My job and my cat are the only two things that basically keep me sane.. 
I feel such a profound pain and betrayal, I can’t even find words to explain it. And the worst - I still love and miss him, but at the same time - I can’t forgive him for abandoning me, for robbing me of a choice, of a compromise. I lost a trust in this person. Like how can you trust someone if they run away when things get bad. 
He called me multiple times to try to go there at least for the summer. But every time I was ready (and pretty much packed), some random reason would appear why he couldn’t come to pick me up. At some point I just gave up and decided that I am not going anywhere. 
So now I’m thinking of ending our relationship and marriage, but I can’t find a courage. The loneliness is killing me but I feel like there’s nothing to salvage in our relationship and I will never be able to look at him the same way I looked at him before.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Does your husband have depression? Or any other mental illness? To me, it sounds like pretty bad untreated depression. Losing his job certainly wouldn't help with that, nor will the self-medicating with alcohol. 

Hard as it is, I would hesitate to make any major decisions right now. I'm a massive hypocrite for saying that but it's true. There is so much going on and while his behavior has been off for three years, it didn't get worse until covid came around. 

Look up the 180. It should be easy to do since you and your husband are not living together and you are probably already doing some steps. It will help you move on. If your husband does come back around, you will be in a better place to decide what you want. 

You should also talk to a lawyer or lawyers, second opinions are always a good idea. Doing that doesn't mean you have decided to divorce. All you are doing is seeing where you stand and protecting yourself. 

How did you meet your husband?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Is he still drinking a lot? If that's the case, it's the alcohol...


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## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

bobert said:


> Does your husband have depression? Or any other mental illness? To me, it sounds like pretty bad untreated depression. Losing his job certainly wouldn't help with that, nor will the self-medicating with alcohol.
> 
> Hard as it is, I would hesitate to make any major decisions right now. I'm a massive hypocrite for saying that but it's true. There is so much going on and while his behavior has been off for three years, it didn't get worse until covid came around.
> 
> ...


Hi Bobert, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.
I am not a medical professional but yes, I think he does have some mental problems, he actually admitted it himself once. After one of our biggest fights last year I managed to convince him to see a therapist. He went once, told me that it was quite a good session, so I was hopeful that he would continue working with that specialist. However he never went back again after.. And I honestly didn't know how else I could help. 
His desire to live in that one single place grew stronger every year, but I think he just never had a good enough reason to move there until losing the job this spring. So now after moving there he’s found a job there, he’s making changes to the house, he got dogs (we’re not allowed to have dogs in our rented apartment, so that was his big dream) - so he really had settled there and I don’t think he’ll be back. He was telling me that he hates the city, he hates the apartment and he never wants to do that again. 
I have tried to talk about a compromise of moving to the suburbs, get ourselves a house, but still somewhat close to the city so we both have a chance to have decent jobs, but he won’t listen to me. That remote place is the only place he has in picture. So it’s basically up to me to decide whether I want to give up everything and move with him, or not... 
I feel like that’s not how things should be in relationship. Like how can you force your partner to do something he/she doesn’t want by giving them an ultimatum of “either/or”. There must be some sort of a compromise, some sort of a discussion for the big changes like that. But there wasn’t. He just made the decision for both..


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## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Is he still drinking a lot? If that's the case, it's the alcohol...


When he moved there in March, I know he was drinking a lot. He actually told me that. Then a couple weeks ago he had a huge crisis. We still talk occasionally so he lost it during one of our convos.Couple days later he apologized and stopped drinking afterwards as far as I know.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What a crappy person. Move back home and figure out how to divorce him. There is no marriage here. 

What a freaking jerk. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

El123407 said:


> Hi Bobert, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.
> I am not a medical professional but yes, I think he does have some mental problems, he actually admitted it himself once. After one of our biggest fights last year I managed to convince him to see a therapist. He went once, told me that it was quite a good session, so I was hopeful that he would continue working with that specialist. However he never went back again after.. And I honestly didn't know how else I could help.
> His desire to live in that one single place grew stronger every year, but I think he just never had a good enough reason to move there until losing the job this spring. So now after moving there he’s found a job there, he’s making changes to the house, he got dogs (we’re not allowed to have dogs in our rented apartment, so that was his big dream) - so he really had settled there and I don’t think he’ll be back. He was telling me that he hates the city, he hates the apartment and he never wants to do that again.
> I have tried to talk about a compromise of moving to the suburbs, get ourselves a house, but still somewhat close to the city so we both have a chance to have decent jobs, but he won’t listen to me. That remote place is the only place he has in picture. So it’s basically up to me to decide whether I want to give up everything and move with him, or not...
> I feel like that’s not how things should be in relationship. Like how can you force your partner to do something he/she doesn’t want by giving them an ultimatum of “either/or”. There must be some sort of a compromise, some sort of a discussion for the big changes like that. But there wasn’t. He just made the decision for both..


You're right, this isn't how it should be in a relationship. He should at least be able to find a compromise, such as living in the 'burbs and having a real discussion about it. 

My wife and I had very different opinions on city living. So we lived in the city for a few years, then moved about 25 miles out of the city. We found an end lot property that backs onto a small "forest", so it feels more tucked away than it actually is. Neither of us got everything we wanted, but we compromised... 

It does seem like your husband has settled into his new life. I'm sure his mental health and self-medicating/alcoholism are to blame but if he won't seek help then there is nothing you can do, unfortunately. Would your husband be willing to talk to a marriage counselor? It could most likely be done via Zoom so he wouldn't have to leave his hideout. 

If he wants you to come, then backs out at the last minute, I would hesitate to believe that he stopped drinking. He's hiding something... that could be alcohol, drugs, mental illness, another woman, wanting a divorce, etc.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You don't have a future with him, he seems to have no empathy for you at all particularly as you are new to the country, it seems to be all about him. What else do you have to look forward to when things get tough, money is tight, there is tragedy in your family etc. He seems to be very selfish and immature. How old are you both?
Start doing the 180 to emotionally detach.
See a lawyer to see what your options are. Do you have citizenship yet?
Whatever you do, do not give up your job and become financially dependent on him as he is not trustworthy or dependable


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## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

bobert said:


> My wife and I had very different opinions on city living. So we lived in the city for a few years, then moved about 25 miles out of the city. We found an end lot property that backs onto a small "forest", so it feels more tucked away than it actually is. Neither of us got everything we wanted, but we compromised...


Thank you. That's exactly my thinking and I've been suggesting it all the time without much luck. I don't care about city life that much, in fact I would love living somewhere in suburbs, yet still not too far from the city for the job etc. 



bobert said:


> It does seem like your husband has settled into his new life. I'm sure his mental health and self-medicating/alcoholism are to blame but if he won't seek help then there is nothing you can do, unfortunately. Would your husband be willing to talk to a marriage counselor? It could most likely be done via Zoom so he wouldn't have to leave his hideout.


I've tried to bring this up as well. Not this time, but last year when we had another big crisis. He didn't agree to a couple counseling. 



bobert said:


> If he wants you to come, then backs out at the last minute, I would hesitate to believe that he stopped drinking. He's hiding something... that could be alcohol, drugs, mental illness, another woman, wanting a divorce, etc.


I know the reason.. And it's much more simple, yet somewhat more sad. Bringing me there means he has to do something that he really dislikes - i.e. driving 5 hrs back to the city, dealing with traffic etc. So basically, he's eager to do that when we talk, but when he really has to action it - all his enthusiasm disappears.



aine said:


> What else do you have to look forward to when things get tough, money is tight, there is tragedy in your family etc. He seems to be very selfish and immature. How old are you both?
> See a lawyer to see what your options are. Do you have citizenship yet?
> Whatever you do, do not give up your job and become financially dependent on him as he is not trustworthy or dependable


Thank you. We are actually in our thirties, so expected to be mature enough to deal with life as it is.. But yeah, I'm having the same thoughts.. Like even if we somehow get back together again, how can I trust that I won't get let down again sometime in the future.
I'm not a citizen yet, but yeah for now I can sustain myself. I am actually thinking whether I should just go back home or stay here and try to rebuild my life. Either way - i will have to start from scratch. 


Thank you all for replying to my post. It's comforting to see other people's perspective, as I am still doubting myself whether I'm doing the wrong thing and making the wrong choice. I appreciate your words of support and advice.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Is he still drinking a lot? If that's the case, it's the alcohol...


Yes, he does not want you to see him face down, lost in that alcohol bottle.

He certainly has serious issues. More than any one person can handle.

He is not your brother, therefore you can morally divorce him.
It might be a wake-up call for him..... If he can see himself clear of alcohol, mental issues, and maybe other drugs.

Life waits for no one.
Thank you for waiting and watching him, for this amount of time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What is your home country, what are your educational achievements, if I may ask?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Take the cat and go home.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@El123407 You haven't ended your marriage, your husband has ended your marriage.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @El123407 You haven't ended your marriage, your husband has ended your marriage.


But in a way, didn't she go along with it? There may be something missing to this story, but just because he failed to drive back and pick her up for the trip to his place, why would that end things? Why couldn't she get there herself? She chose not to. 

And from her husband's perspective, he might be wondering why he has to make all the effort? 

Sorry for coming in late to the party here, but saw her more-recent thread and came here for context.


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## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> But in a way, didn't she go along with it? There may be something missing to this story, but just because he failed to drive back and pick her up for the trip to his place, why would that end things? Why couldn't she get there herself? She chose not to.
> 
> And from her husband's perspective, he might be wondering why he has to make all the effort?
> 
> Sorry for coming in late to the party here, but saw her more-recent thread and came here for context.


@Casual Observer you are right, there are always two sides of the story in a relationship. And the fact that everything is where it is now is also my fault, although I don't really have a good idea of what exactly did I do wrong, because he never told me (besides the fact that I don't want to live there). 
To answer your question about why I didn't go eventually. Well, I packed everything to go there three times. I did not want to go, but he asked me to try at least, and I thought it would be fair if I at least tried. And all three times it didn't happen. Why couldn't I go there myself, I don't have a car and just recently got a driving license (hence not much driving experience), so I was simply afraid to drive alone. If it would be just me, I could have probably get there by bus or train, but I had to bring a lot of stuff with me, including the cat and her stuff and my work equipment, so that was not an option. 
And eventually, after these three attempts I've changed my mind. Like I said, I didn't want to go in the first place, and I couldn't just sit half-packed on my suitcase and wait when he's ready to come over...


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## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, he does not want you to see him face down, lost in that alcohol bottle.
> He certainly has serious issues. More than any one person can handle.
> He is not your brother, therefore you can morally divorce him.
> It might be a wake-up call for him..... If he can see himself clear of alcohol, mental issues, and maybe other drugs.
> ...


I keep questioning myself if I should have tried harder, if I should have somehow found a way for us to attend a family counseling. 
He stopped drinking last year for almost a year, and I felt some hope that everything would be fine. And then comes March and it's like a blow in the face, and here we are now...



Openminded said:


> Take the cat and go home.


Thank you, I am actually considering going back home. Nothing's really holding me up here, except for my current job. 
It sucks though, I left my home country such a long time ago, that I don't really have anything to come back to over there either. Whichever path I'll choose it will have to start from a complete scratch..


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @El123407 You haven't ended your marriage, your husband has ended your marriage.


Simply stated but powerful. Thanks, I needed the reminder.


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## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

Hi everyone, 

Haven't been around for a while, trying to figure out how to live my life..
So since my last post quite a lot happened. My husband had a major breakdown at the end of August. It was very ugly but with a help of his family he finally went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants. I felt a moment of relief and hope that the meds would help him at least a little. We continued to stay in touch, but still living apart in different cities. It was difficult for me, because I kept hesitating on what to do.. Some days I was thinking to finally end things and some other days I was thinking that maybe we could try again. It was an exhausting rollercoaster of emotions..
Then at the end of September I finally gave in and we agreed to try to reconcile and agreed that if it didn't work, then we would divorce. He came to pick me and brought to his place in his hometown.
I was really trying to make an effort to if not to like, but at least to get used to the place. However in reality I felt like I am trapped and wanted to go back most the time. Just to give a perspective - the place is in a rural area, sort of secluded, you need a car to go even to the nearest store. When he was out for work, I was basically stuck at home without a car and ability to go anywhere. That's apart from not having any friends, family and not speaking the local language here..So yeah, pretty damn stuck. Anyways, I was watching him trying very hard to make me feel comfortable, so I thought I could at least try ..
But then he relaxed a little and the drinking started again..Before coming there, I told him that drinking is a major dealbreaker for me, he said he understood. He started drinking the second weekend I was there. Not too much at first, but enough to make me question my decision. When he sobered up for work, he apologized and said he won't do it again. But then he did it again the next weekend...So we had the same conversation exactly a week later, and again I gave him another chance 😫 Fast forward to 6 weeks of staying here, I've seen him sober on 2 weekends out of 6...(yeah apparently I am a doormat that just keeps giving second chances  ) Two days ago I found him sleeping drunk on the garage floor. Later he told me it's all my fault and I am triggering his drinking because he's trying being patient and make me happy, and I am still not happy. He also told me that the only thing I do is work (I work in IT, so work does get intense very often, with a lot of overtimes recently, but that's my only source of income and way of supporting myself, so nothing I can do about it) and that I have a problem, not him...
Right now I am at the point of getting out of here as soon as possible and never coming back. But I am terrified and torn that if I leave, he will go completely down. I regret my decision to come here in the first place. I understand that I can't live my life like this anymore and I am not responsible for his life and choices/decisions, but I am still very scared to leave. He tends to do reckless things when he's drunk, like riding his ATV or a snowmobile or work with tools or machinery, so all sorts of bad thoughts and worries are going through my head constantly. I am emotionally and physically burned out, combined with a work stress, on most days I don't how to find any energy to get through the day.. And don't know how to help him and bring some sense in him. When he's sober, he agrees, but he doesn't do anything to change and eventually goes back to the same behavior.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes these things don't go the way we'd hope, but at least you can walk away knowing that you gave it another chance. It may lessen the "what if" thoughts down the road. 

To be honest, this doesn't sound like an attempt at reconciliation but more like you caving. He knows you don't want to live in that area and it sounds like he was still unwilling to compromise. You need to be able to meet in the middle on issues like this and he is still all about me, me, me. 

It was also a bit rushed. You probably should have made sure he was on his meds and off the alcohol for at least a few months (6+ months is better) before agreeing to reconcile. He needs to prove that he has made the changes, not promise that he will make the changes. 

As for his drinking, what help was he getting to stop drinking? It's most likely not something that he can just stop doing, and expecting him to is unrealistic. However, he needs to be in charge of that and that should have been in place prior to reconciling. Regardless, drinking was a dealbreaker for you and now you need to follow through - but it seems like you know that already and are ready to do it. 

I understand being scared to leave (and I've had thoughts like that myself) but like you said, you are not responsible for his life. And remember, you were separated for at least half the year and he didn't kill himself or someone else with his stupidity. You said he tends to do reckless things when he's drunk and honestly, that can happen whether you are around or not. If he does something stupid, that wasn't your fault and you have done everything you can. You are not the treatment for his depression or drinking, only he can work on those issues and overtime your worrying will lessen.


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## El123407 (Jul 26, 2020)

bobert said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes these things don't go the way we'd hope, but at least you can walk away knowing that you gave it another chance. It may lessen the "what if" thoughts down the road.
> 
> To be honest, this doesn't sound like an attempt at reconciliation but more like you caving. He knows you don't want to live in that area and it sounds like he was still unwilling to compromise. You need to be able to meet in the middle on issues like this and he is still all about me, me, me.
> It was also a bit rushed. You probably should have made sure he was on his meds and off the alcohol for at least a few months (6+ months is better) before agreeing to reconcile. He needs to prove that he has made the changes, not promise that he will make the changes.





bobert said:


> As for his drinking, what help was he getting to stop drinking? It's most likely not something that he can just stop doing, and expecting him to is unrealistic. However, he needs to be in charge of that and that should have been in place prior to reconciling. Regardless, drinking was a dealbreaker for you and now you need to follow through - but it seems like you know that already and are ready to do it.


Thank you so much bobert for your reply. I do agree that it was rushed, and hardly a reconciliation because to be honest we didn't really have a good pan on working through the issues, except me saying that drinking is a dealbreaker. Somehow I was expecting him to stop cold-turkey like he did a few times in the past. I do understand however, that this is not the solution and him stopping might have given a temporary result, yet the problem would be still there.
Today he sobered up, and he's back to be the "good husband" again and it's so damn hard to stick with my decision again. It's insane. Deep down I know I am making the right choice, yet struggling to somehow accept it. All the good memories are going through my head and torture me with grief, sorrow, guilt, regret and all other sorts of emotions I am not quite sure I can define and understand.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

El123407 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Haven't been around for a while, trying to figure out how to live my life..
> So since my last post quite a lot happened. My husband had a major breakdown at the end of August. It was very ugly but with a help of his family he finally went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants. I felt a moment of relief and hope that the meds would help him at least a little. We continued to stay in touch, but still living apart in different cities. It was difficult for me, because I kept hesitating on what to do.. Some days I was thinking to finally end things and some other days I was thinking that maybe we could try again. It was an exhausting rollercoaster of emotions..
> ...


Your husband is an alcoholic, all the signs are there. You need to get out fast, it will not get better without him doing a recovery programme. A will blame everyone and everything else for their drinking. They will make promises galore and break every one of them. Please get out and D this man. Join SoberRecovery.com online and speak with people who have been through this and know exactly what you must do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Alcoholics lie — maybe they actually believe their lies at that moment but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re lies. They pull people back in with those lies. It was all too predictable that’s what he would do to you and that you would end up back in the chaos that’s his life. He couldn’t even carry it off for more than a couple of weeks before he relapsed. That’s someone with a very serious problem. You need to accept that you can’t fix him and you aren’t responsible for him. It will be harder now to leave him than it was before but for your own sanity you need to let him go.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

With being wishy-washy and caving to his promises, you are enabling him. If you care about him, leave him so he can hit rock bottom and get help. It's counterintuitive; but, it has to happen. He has to learn to face the world without his crutch.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

El123407 said:


> Today he sobered up, and he's back to be the "good husband" again and it's so damn hard to stick with my decision again. It's insane. Deep down I know I am making the right choice, yet struggling to somehow accept it. All the good memories are going through my head and torture me with grief, sorrow, guilt, regret and all other sorts of emotions I am not quite sure I can define and understand.


 Leaving is rarely easy. No relationship is all bad or all good, they are a mix of both. Make a list of the bad times or bad things about your relationship. When you feel flooded with all the good memories, look at that list for a reminder that it wasn't as good as your brain wants you to believe.


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