# After Affair - And Time - Here We Are - NEED ADVICE



## what_to_do_now (Oct 30, 2010)

Ok, So I made a post a few months ago and got some great dialogue. I'm going to try and sum up what has happened and where we are now. I need some advice as to what to expect, what to do.

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My wife had a 3 month affair this past summer/fall. She fell in love with another man. She confessed about the affair and has had a really hard time deciding what she wants to do. We had what seemingly is wonderful marriage. Not a lot of fighting, great family, great kids, no financial issues etc. Most people from the outside - say what appears to be the perfect life.

After she confessed about the affair, she broke my trust twice more as her feelings and emotions were so strong for him she couldn't let it go. She was in a total fog. I finally got her to break about a month ago and snap out of the total confusion and start making more sane decisions. 

She went on an 8 day intensive therapy retreat to work on herself and deal with many issues. She returned a week ago. When I picked her up everything seemed amazing. She was happy, smiling and looked me in the eyes and committed that we were going to be fine and life was going to be great. She was hugging me, holding my hands again and even a kiss or two. 

Then as she started to integrate back into real life this past week that feeling started to wane a little. She has pulled back from physical contact and has committed to starting marriage counselling in the new year. She still admits to having feelings for the other man. She say she still loves me - but doesn't have passionate feelings for me. They are totally directed at the other man right now. For the record, she has completely broken it off with the other man and neither of them have contact anymore. This is certain.

She so badly wants the passionate feelings to shift back to me - but she has doubts that will happen. But she's willing to put in time to see if it can.

When we talk about the future, I tell her that i'm committed to doing the work and have the goal of a happier and more loving marriage in the end because this is an opportunity to learn to communicate more, be more honest and open. She feels the same way......

except..... (and here's where my main concern is right now)

.... that she won't commit to the outcome of marriage right now. She'll commit to doing the work and working on our relationship and if ends up being a happy marriage great. But she's entering the work with an open mind, rather than one dedicated to working on our marriage. 

Is this just because she's in a state where her current feelings and emotions have her scared of making a promise that she might not be able to live up to?

I really just wish she'd commit to working on our marriage rather than just our "relationship". Am I pushing too hard on semantics here? If she would commit to our marriage, my anxiety level would go way down.

I know that this story may have sounded confusing. I'm sorry.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

Personally, I would relax bit on the semantics of it. She is home, committed to counseling, and would very much like to regain a passionate relationship with you. One day at a time. We never know how this is all going to turn out, even on the day you are married there are no guarantees (although most believe on that day that this is forever.) You and she will need to find a new normal; things are forever different. But, that can lead to a better marriage than you had before. Be the best husband you can be without being pushy or needy. Take care of yourself. I promise, you will learn much about yourself in the next few months if you want to....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She made a vow to you that she already couldn't keep. Stacking another one before really fixing things is premature.

However, you do not have to accept any cheating while working on this. You can't control the thoughts in her head. But make it clear that she cannot have contact with this other person if there is to be a chance of true reconciliation.

Don't be her fallback position.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is tough.... It seems that passion come from new things. What I mean is when your young your passionate about everything. So now here we are trying to get passion back into our marraige. A few years old but wiser.

I think you have to be young at heart, do the things we use to do when we started dating our wifes. I quess thats a start.

Is it wrong to except the fact that that passion is still there or can be reignited, but our expectation of it is less then when we were young. Who doesn't want to be 21 again? 

Sh*t I don't know but I can relate. I to am concerned about both my wife and I's passion, 10 or 15 years from now ( our 20th is in March)


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t think you’re pushing too hard on semantics. There are many things in life that only work if the commitment is 100% and I happen to think marriage is one of them. Even with 100% commitment things don’t always work out.

I think your wife’s less than 100% commitment is her get out clause. Maybe ask her if she’ll retake your vows. Her answer will tell you a lot. If she wont commit 100% and retake her vows you’ll know exactly where you stand in her life.

I wasted 5 years of my life with a woman who wasn’t totally committed to me, it was never going to work. I wish she’d been straight with me and I’d known that 5 years ago.


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