# Anyone else married to a good person who is "cold"?



## AnotherAnon (Jul 10, 2014)

I'm new so I apologize in advance if this is long, or not posted in the right place, or I don't know the "lingo", etc.

At first I was going to ask if there are any other women in my situation but I guess this street goes two ways and there may be men out there who can relate. 

I am married to a wonderful "great on paper" man who has never drank too much, used drugs, used money poorly, been abusive, or done anything like that. My problem is that he's just kind of emotionally cold. I know men in general are not famous for being empathetic or good listeners, but this goes a bit beyond that.

I just feel I am having a hard time getting him to understand things that hurt or bother me. It's like a piece of his emotional response system is missing. I can sit there and cry about something that is bothering me and when I look at his face, it's like NOTHING is registering. 

Of course, over 15 years of being together, this is one of the top 3 things we argue about. He claims he loves me, and asks why I can't see that in how he demonstrates it. To him, coming home and giving me a big hug is a non-verbal way of saying "I love you, I appreciate all that you did today. The house and kids look great." 

Another example. Our daughter was born a few years ago in January. She was due on the 22nd. That Christmas, 4 weeks before her due date, he gave me jewelry. When she was born, he did nothing. I mean, he was there, stayed in the hospital, etc but I did not receive flowers, a card, nothing. When I finally asked he said, "That's why I gave you more things at Christmas."

He said he felt we'd be so busy with a toddler and new baby, it was better to do the gifts at Christmas. I realize that is logical but is there such a thing as being TOO logical? 

I hurt inside because I feel there must be something wrong with me that I don't spark romantic gestures from him. When I bring it up, he says of course he loves me, and points out all the nice things he does. 

So, is this the same thing women have been complaining about since the dawn of time? Are some men just overly logical and more "cold" and not so great about spontaneous loving gestures? He swears up and down he loves me, doesn't want us to get a divorce and he is not unfaithful. I just wonder if anyone else is walking in my shoes and can relate to the pain.

Thanks for reading.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Well I'm a woman and I'm the one who is labeled as cold and too logical. It's frustrating on either side of this personality difference. I believe I'm showing love all the time but he is not on the same frequency as me. We've read the Five Love Languages, it helps but it is extremely difficult to change basic human nature. 

His love language is words of affirmation and touch.
Mine are acts of service and time together
He wants to buy me jewelry, I want him to shovel.
He wants me to grab him more, I want to make him a sandwich.

We both make efforts to express love in the others preferred language, but I have to admit when times are busy we both can slack off. Then we have another discussion and get back at it. It is a ongoing effort to keep each other happy. 

Being called cold and too logical is hurtful to hear when you feel like you are showing love all the time. Even for those who are not very expressive people. What I hear when somebody tells me that I am cold is that I am not good enough, that I'm unlovable, that I'm selfish and uncaring. All this time I have been feverishly showing love in my own way and it is tossed aside like it is worth nothing.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"I mean, he was there, stayed in the hospital, etc but I did not receive flowers, a card, nothing."

wait, that's a thing you're supposed to do? I didn't do that either. 

yeah, a lot of guys don't understand the whole cards thing, and flower kinda seem trite and forced. But he was there for you, supporting you, etc?

sounds like a love language issue for sure. He's probably thinking everything is fine. I assume he's an introvert?

And just how often do you 'cry about' things that are bothering you? like what things? if this is a weekly event, you might be overloading him.

have you considered getting some counseling?


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## AnotherAnon (Jul 10, 2014)

Thank you for these replies. I will get that book. I have heard of it but never realized it fit our situation!

It was great to hear from a woman who is similar to my husband. I guess we all tell ourselves negative things and get locked into that. I have a few friends who had husbands shower them with gifts after a birth. I thought that was "show offy" and dismissed it. But when I had friends who at least got flowers, either after the positive pregnancy test or at the birth, I thought that was nice.

I was hurt when I didn't seem worthy of that. This must be a Love Language issue....he pointed out that it's important to him I have a nice car. We don't care what others think, but he wants to know I enjoy my car and it fits my needs with the kids, etc. 

I would not say I "cry" on a weekly or even monthly basis. It's more when things come to a head and I try to voice what my issue is. Then, it's really two issues that feed off each other....I am already upset he is cold and logical, and then I also don't feel heard or understood when he dismisses my concerns about whatever I am concerned about. To him, most things can be solved with a simple, "Calm down, it's not that big of a deal." 

We have talked about counseling. Biggest hurdle is babysitting. Our kids are a handful. Grandma is in town but we don't want her to know we have troubles. Will have to figure something out.


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