# Wife just left me.



## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Hey all. First post on the forums. 

I am 30, married to a 27 year old, and we have been for five years, together for 7, and close friends for 12.

Our marriage has had its share of issues. I moved from the U.S. to Canada to be with her. We had snags and tangles with my Permanent Residency which finally cleared in May of 2010. During the times when I could make any form of money, I would, no matter how small. When I wasn't busy, I would keep the place clean, cook her dinner, things that could be done by me after she had a long day at work. She always seemed appreciative.

There was an issue about her though, that affected me greatly. Any sort of "change" in her life would throw her into a crying fit. Even our first night in our apartment, all she could do was sit there and cry because it's "too new". I figured it was just a phase and consoled her, telling her that this is all new to me, too, and that it's fine to be worried when you're in a foreign place. She even did this on our wedding night, rocking back and forth on the bed and crying. I honestly didn't know what to think then, but all that was on my mind was making her feel better and helping her through it.

She was on medication(anti-depressants) for years for depression, and made a decision to come off of them. A month after she did, she suffered a nervous breakdown in our first year of marriage. She completely stopped functioning. It scared my soul right out of me, and for the first couple of times, we had to go back to her parents house so she could "recover". This phase of "recovering" lasted for months and she still does it to this day, running away instead of facing her problems and fears. I started to feel helpless, and as a result, I shut my own emotions down so that I could focus on her. It felt like any little thing said or done would send her into a fit, and I couldn't even move at one point. It was like I was trapped, like we were trapped.

Things continued seemingly normally for a year or two afterwards, we got a new, better place, a couple of cats, but there was a strange change in her. She started becoming addicted to Facebook to the point of nigh-obsession, and even if we were talking, her head was still in her laptop. There's been a few times where I've closed the lid on it and told her to "talk to me".

There have been moments where she woke up saying "I have anxiety" or "I'm depressed". I attempt to talk and help her, and instead get a "I don't know" or "you wouldn't understand". It frustrated and hurt me to think that she was afraid to confide in me. We began to fight constantly, and with each fight, walls kept getting put up. 

Then she lost her job in 2011 to a layoff. She was devastated, and while I understood that, having dealt with that myself, I still did my best to help talk to her. Instead, she just continued running to her parents house. This continued for months, and during that time I was working a job with a lot of physical stress. I have a bad knee, shoulder, and wrist, and there were days where coming home was constant agony. I'd limp to the couch to take pressure off of my swollen and throbbing joints only to get a rather insincere sounding "poor baby". Eventually the problems went from a couple times a week, to a few times a week, to daily. I was worried that if things got worse, I'd be jeapordizing my own health. I told her that I needed her to try and find a job, to help out, because I couldn't afford to take time off. But during that period, she was spending every waking day with her mother when she wasn't at school(she's a college student). Her excuse was "I'm a full-time student", yet she was only at school for 2-4 hours a day, with one day lasting 7. It devastated me, that while I'm physically falling apart she preferred to remain unemployed, spending time around her parents and their home as opposed to actually trying to lend a hand. The laziness cut me like a knife. I wished that one day she would see what I was going through, and the torment she put me through. 

I began to despair, and began drinking heavily. Though she had brought up the drinking before, we had a heart to heart where I told her why I was doing it, and it didn't sink in.

It was her. It was how I have felt emotionally starved. How I felt I had to be the "rock" in our relationship, and how anytime she was having a problem, I would try to help, and just get stonewalled. I never understood it. The issues scared the hell out of me, but the fact that she was unwilling to work on them and keep running away was frustrating. There were even times where I would try to circumvent her running away to her parents, trying to get her to realize that I can help her here and she doesn't have to run away. It never got through to her. 

This past year was an ugly one. I lost my job due to a layoff. She finally found one, but it was 12 hours a week(roughly 2-4 hours a day depending on where her job was). The rest of her time was spent at her parents house. When I needed her more than ever, I felt abandoned. Our place turned to shambles over time, and even when it was clean, it was completely my effort while she sat there, nose deep in Facebook once again. 

It all came to a head on Tuesday, with another fight. This one was completely her fault, and she admitted it, but she kept attempting to apologize away the fact that while she acted like she was there for me, she really wasn't. It was like the point of no return. She was going to stay with her parents for the night. She proposed a "break".

We spoke the next night. I called in a panic, something just felt off and I needed to talk to her and see her. That was when she told me that she can't come back, she was going to move into her parents house, stay there, and then what she said next was the worst searing pain ever...

"We'll always be friends, and I'll always love you no matter what".

Friends don't do that to each other. I asked her to please tell me what I did wrong, and she said it was nothing, it wasn't me, it was her. We spoke for an hour and a half yesterday, where she seemed dead-set on this. I tried to get her to realize that a divorce is a lengthy process, she didn't seem to care. I told her for the millionth time why it's hard for me to share my feelings with her when she's like a block of ice. All she could do was say that she was sorry, and I told her that it's hard to realize that five years are being tossed aside and that a "sorry" is going to make it all better. It's like she's validating what she did all these years. She said she's wanted to leave for a long time. I have also wanted to leave her at points where I felt I couldn't take it anymore, but I went against that judgement with the belief that vows are vows, and you stick by that person no matter what. 

I proposed counseling, and I also made the point that what she's doing affects two people, and she said back "No, this decision affects ONE person"...that person being the only person she seemingly really did care about...herself. 

She also mentioned that she was going to find her identity, and that she needs to learn how to live on her own, which is odd, considering that she's done this for five years. She also told me that she's doing this because of what she did to me and she doesn't want it to happen to anybody else in her life in the future. She said that she is going to see a counselor herself, but I don't know what it will accomplish. She has been through relationship counseling herself with her ex-fiancee years ago and told me that she hated it, because, in her words, "the counselor said it was all my fault and took his side". She doesn't seem to want to go to marriage counseling, something that has been brought up in the past to where I avoided it because I felt that our problems were fixable with some trust and communication. Instead, things just broke down further. 

I'm numb. The person who said I was her soulmate is seemingly tossing me away without a second thought or want to fix things. Every problem in our relationship has been fixable, and I honestly think it's that "fear of change" that kept doing it for her. I made the conscious decision to join AA for my own sake. She said she is going to Al-Anon. 


I'm currently bobbling between the anger and shock phases. I thought I felt acceptance yesterday after a talk with my best friend, and another with my own mother. But I can't help but feel that the constant running away that she is doing will not help her, it's only placing her in a safe haven where she doesn't have to confront her fears or problems. She's being enabled to the fullest and it scares me. 

What scares me even more is the fact that she seems incredibly unwilling to work on ANYTHING, now. I don't know if it's because it's still early, but our talk was the same as usual yesterday...feels like progress, but is really just more walls being put up because she seems to project the feeling that boxing her own self in is safer than admitting anything. 

It's now been six days. As I write this at 7:20AM with my laptop on the kitchen counter, I think back to yesterday, when she was coming by to get some of her stuff. I told her I wouldn't be around, that I couldn't exactly see her right now. We ended up in passing, as our cat ran out to chase after her. This is somebody who is a self-professed animal lover, and all she could do was numbly watch as I had to go and gently pick the cat up and bring her back inside, consoling her. 

I don't know what to do, TAM. I love her to death, but the lack of any form of empathy is frightening. She has abandoned me and our home, as well as our pets(two of which are solely hers, they were a birthday present last year). She keeps saying that "I'm doing this for me", and that she "doesn't want me to hurt anymore", but all she has done this past week is emotionally tear me to shreds. 

I love her with all my broken heart, and even though I have a small flicker of hope that will keep me fighting, she keeps quickly dashing it with every chance she gets. What do I do?! The one thing that always remains in my mind since she left is how badly I want to help her and how little she wants me to.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

People cant be helped by others, they can only want to help themselves. Its futile to do otherwise


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## fromblisstothis (May 17, 2012)

Have you joined AA yet? I am speaking from experience, this is a very horrible, traumatic time – and one of the WORST things you can do is to use alcohol as a crutch. I had a bottle of wine a night when I first moved out, and it was like one long groundhog day – Go to work, son to bed, uncork wine, cry all night. Go to bed. Go to work, son to bed, uncork wine, forgot about what I cried about the night before – so I cried about the same thing – sometimes call people and cry – run out of wine, go to bed. It made everything so much worse. I was unable to even begin any real healing. Take care of you first – and then the healing will start.

I am very sorry you are going through this.

Have you heard about the 180? Check it out = it does help.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What was her childhood like?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

fromblisstothis said:


> Have you joined AA yet? I am speaking from experience, this is a very horrible, traumatic time – and one of the WORST things you can do is to use alcohol as a crutch. I had a bottle of wine a night when I first moved out, and it was like one long groundhog day – Go to work, son to bed, uncork wine, cry all night. Go to bed. Go to work, son to bed, uncork wine, forgot about what I cried about the night before – so I cried about the same thing – sometimes call people and cry – run out of wine, go to bed. It made everything so much worse. I was unable to even begin any real healing. Take care of you first – and then the healing will start.
> 
> I am very sorry you are going through this.
> 
> Have you heard about the 180? Check it out = it does help.


Yes, I am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow night. And no, I haven't heard about the 180. I'll look into it.

She is going to a counselor herself as well, whether she gets anything from it is her perogative, I just truly hope that she does and maybe it will help her to understand what I'm going through and that this isn't the solution to her problems.

Conrad, her childhood wasn't half bad. Special little princess at times. But prone to anxiety, especially on a class trip when she was 15, she lost her mind when the class went to Montreal for a weekend. She said it was panic due to being away from home, but I think that it cut her like a knife and has kept her that way since.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Yes, I am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow night. And no, I haven't heard about the 180. I'll look into it.
> 
> She is going to a counselor herself as well, whether she gets anything from it is her perogative, I just truly hope that she does and maybe it will help her to understand what I'm going through and that this isn't the solution to her problems.
> 
> Conrad, her childhood wasn't half bad. Special little princess at times. But prone to anxiety, especially on a class trip when she was 15, she lost her mind when the class went to Montreal for a weekend. She said it was panic due to being away from home, but I think that it cut her like a knife and has kept her that way since.


Are you certain?

When someone behaves this way, they're quite often emotionally broken from something along the lines of an alcoholic parent, emotionally abusive parent, sex abuse, neglect, even some adoption issues can trigger this.

Losing her mind in Montreal indicates she has abandonment issues from childhood.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Are you certain?
> 
> When someone behaves this way, they're quite often emotionally broken from something along the lines of an alcoholic parent, emotionally abusive parent, sex abuse, neglect, even some adoption issues can trigger this.
> 
> Losing her mind in Montreal indicates she has abandonment issues from childhood.


I am. I know that she had been on Prozac in her teens as well as Cipralex from about 18 to 25, when she decided to make the decision to get off of it. Unfortunately all it did was turn her into a sobbing mess, which led to the breakdown, but she saw the pills as "weakness" and continued on her way without them, which led us to this eventual roadblock.

I wasn't around very much once things started going to hell. She tried here and there, I tried here and there, but it was always full circle. Then for the past year and a half she has been avoiding me like the plague, always running to her parents house or hiding in Facebook.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Are you certain there's not someone else?

The time away from you spent at her parents', the time spent on facebook, and suddenly wanting to be done without wanting to hear you out sounds spot on for an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> Are you certain there's not someone else?
> 
> The time away from you spent at her parents', the time spent on facebook, and suddenly wanting to be done without wanting to hear you out sounds spot on for an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definitely sure there's nobody else. On her wall is all shares of articles from some of the causes she supports with the occasional status. Other than that though, no, there's definitely no other guy, I would have gotten a tip-off on that, for sure. We know a lot of the same people.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Well, Facebook isn't the only online tool to use if you are looking for or carrying on an affair. Just remain vigilant is my only advice in that arena.

Other than that...it sounds as though you have seen your fair share of trials and tribulations with this woman. You will receive a lot of great advice from many people on this site who have been in your shoes. Listen to their advice and their stories, but in the end, no one here knows your situation or your wife like you do. Make the decisions that are right for you. 

That being said, my own two cents.... Your wife experienced some sort of trauma or abandonment at some point in her life. The school trip thing I'm not buying. Perhaps it is so painful for her that she has supressed it and doesn't even realize it. Whatever it was, her behaviors are not, for lack of a better word, "normal" - not for typically functioning adults. What affects her is bigger than you. It is bigger than her. And only she can be the one to know when the time has come to deal with and face her demons head on. It is out of your hands.

I came across a quote, the author unknown, that I think would serve you well to ponder over: "Sometimes there is a reason people are removed from your life. Think before you chase after them." 

She is your wife. You are emotionally vested in her of course. But people have to learn to walk before they can run. She has to take these first steps on her own. Perhaps the distance from you will make her realize what she is losing. Time will tell, but you must give her that time. If you do not, you are only guaranteeing yourself the same results you have now. Safeguard and prepare yourself for the worst. If it turns out that she comes back and is willing to get the help she needs; great. If she chooses to walk away and never come back to you, then you are poised to be in that much better of a place. But willing, begging, and pleading her to come back won't work. For you or for her. Accept that you are at a crossroads, and accept that on either path you will be okay and happy once again. I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I thank you. I've known for some time that she wasn't a well functioning individual, but my love for her eclipsed the risk, in my mind.

The hurt she is putting me through is grandiose. I only hope and pray that she one day can realize that. I know it's naive to keep my hopes up, but that light of hope was why I tried and tried, until I eventually gave up. This seperation has me at a crossroads as well, where I can make one of two choices, I just don't know which one is the "right" one and it may never BE right.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I know you`re hurting SkyHigh and I know it`s heartbreaking but honestly I think if you are able to completely separate yourself from her for a significant amount of time you`re head will clear enough to realize you`ve just been given a new lease on life

Good luck.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Try not to think of your decision as right or wrong. Things we don't want to happen sometimes do, and we have to accept that. There are people we don't want to lose, but have to let go of. Not saying you should give up all hope, but it seems as though you have already suffered a great deal of pain. At some point you have to think of yourself in the name of self-preservation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

My alcoholism was a by-product of it, for starters...and though she wanted me to stop, it was near impossible at that point. 

I have a neighbour in my building who is going through a divorce with roughly the same symptoms, he's been a great help. I just hope that I don't second-guess all of this.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

SkyHigh,

Your story resembles mine quite a bit. I too am 30 years old and dealing with a wife just like yours. She has left me (again) recently. I'm a bit ahead of you in the emotional roller-coaster, and have gotten great education on this site and BPDfamily.com over the past few months (she left me back in January and came back).

Follow some of my posts around here and observe the realizations I've made.

For the time being, my only advice to you is: Cut all contact with your wife for at least 2 weeks. I'm not giving you a suggestion. This is what you MUST do to level the playing field before you can make any serious decision. Your wife has the upper hand even during separation and that cannot be a good thing.

You're clearly more vested into the relationship than she is. That's understandable, but not a good thing. You need to make this as fair as possible. Having no contact with her (absolutely none) will give you that ability over a couple of weeks. From that point on, the road is long but possible to travel.

You're not alone.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The link to the 180 is below on my signature line. Give it a try.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

She wanted to talk later. I just left her a message that I can't. I have unsubscribed from her news feeds on FB as well as did a temporary delete of our photos on my phone right now. Too hard to look at. 

I was starting to clean our apartment today, and found a lot of her stuff around. Hard to look at. It's almost shameful how there's nothing of mine at her parents house except a pair of socks that got mixed in with her wash. 

I remember something her best friend told me. "When's the last time you did something nice for her?!" Probably when we went out for the weekend for our anniversary and all she did was cry and go into mass panic every chance she had. Or the flowers I brought because she was having a bad day. And lots of other things that seemingly don't matter when you have a friend that only tells you one side of things.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I'm 30 as well...maybe we need to start a club.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

She sound like she has Aspergers, a form of Autisim. These people find it hard to cope with change, new jobs with new people in particular & they can seem very wrapped up in themselves, in all honesty, they have little comprehension of the feelings of others. Look it up & see if you think the behaviour is the same & then maybe try talking to her parents.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Right now, your emotions are high. Let the dust settle a bit. She sounds like she is going through some kind of emotional breakdown. Have you talked to her parents? Does she have a counselor to help her with depression and anxiety? 

I know you're hurting, but if you're sure this isn't an affair, just give her a few days and yourself a few days and then try to talk about what is going on with no pressure about how to resolve it, just to understand. Getting her to feel safe enough to talk to you won't be easy. And you need some support too. Do you have good friends you can rely on? Do you have any idea what triggered her freak out?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I have a pretty good idea of what it was. She spent the weekend before she left me in Toronto, staying with her brother and his girlfriend. She and his girlfriend have bonded quite a bit, and I think she has seen with an unrealistic outlook what is out there, but what she's forgetting is that this person that she's idolizing has lived in the city for her entire professional life and is going places while my wife is going into her 3rd year of school and feels her life should be elsewhere. It's almost like a fantasy of sorts that while lofty and healthy to have a goal, that goal is unattainable straight out of the gates, and I don't think she will ever realize this without some help.

And no, she does not currently have a counselor for her depression and anxiety, she went to CBT(Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to find the causes and how to cope with it, but that's as far as it went. She doesn't cope well with it and hasn't.

The counselor she is seeing is a Seperation counselor, so all she's really going for is some help to deal with her own choice instead of what the underlying cause is, as far as I can tell. It all depends on which direction that goes in, but if all she's looking for is a way to validate it, I can safely assume it's probably shot.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Soory i really don't care what your wife has, what i do care about is how so long ago you gave your self up for her. You stopped focusing on your self and more on her. 

Well brother its just like the oxygen mask on the air plane, you have to put it on you 1st then the child next to you.

My point is as soon as you gave a part of your self up and you continue to loss your self you lost the part of you that she may have fallen in love with so many years ago.

You continue to be this bete male who will doing anything for some one who doesn't appreciate it. You continue to let her control the marriage even though you know its wrong she does not seek the help that she needs. 

Alph up and tell your chick to pound sand. I get it ...you love her, but you love her the wrong way IMHO. You continue to bent the her "illness" but never take a stand to leave her if she doesn't get help. And now that she has left you you still bend to her whim.

You will look alot more attractive by showing confidence and an ago that shows her you are moving on and until she taks the steps to fix her depression or what ever the hell you want to label her behaviors then you do not want her back.

Right now the only perception she has of you is that you will always be around when *she* is ready. I bet once you change her perception and she starts to think twice in what she is about to loss for good you will see her start to chase you. With that then you have the power to tell her to get right before your recommit to her.


I'm just saying we get what we tolorate.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Probably her first breakdown, 4 years ago, when I started bottling up my emotions because she was so set off by every little thing. I'd say that was the absolute worst mistake of my life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Probably her first breakdown, 4 years ago, when I started bottling up my emotions because she was so set off by every little thing. I'd say that was the absolute worst mistake of my life.


In other words, you tried not to upset her.

How did that work out?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Well, judging by this thread, not very well.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Well, judging by this thread, not very well.


SkyHigh,

I'm going to get real with you for a minute.

In his book, "Awareness" - Anthony DeMello points out there are 3 ways of giving pleasure.

1) Give pleasure to yourself (no catcalls, but I'm sure masturbation is included). It also involves purchases of things YOU want. It involves engaging in activities YOU enjoy - without regard for others.

2) Giving pleasure to others (that gives pleasure to you). BY DEFINITION... this is giving where you expect NOTHING. Someone else benefits and you have no earthly regrets if they don't even say thank you. This is healthy. You please others because you want to with NO EXPECTATIONS.

3) Giving pleasure to others when you feel BAD about yourself. Many of us in this forum have agreed to so many of these things, where we sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice, with the idea that someone will appreciate us. Guess what? We have no control over their response. And, many of us start to build resentments when NOTHING comes back in return. We feel unappreciated and angry. And, yet, we've done it to ourselves.

I'm willing to wager you have engaged in a series of #3's with your wife and you simply cannot believe she doesn't see it.

Would you say that's accurate?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

There actually was a lot of #3s. The worst was when I was working and coming home limping, and still going to the kitchen to cook for the two of us. 

I just started a book that's actually opening my eyes entirely...

...I have the dreaded "Nice Guy Syndrome".


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Alright, after my second night in a row of decent sleep, I've finally come to a decision.

Her pictures have been deleted from my phone. Pictures of us have been put away. Clearly, between the advice here and the advice of my close friends and family, the only way I'm going to make a good change for myself is to have a laser focus on myself.

She mentioned that she wanted the visit our cats as much as possible. I'm on the fence of whether I want to allow that or not, with a bias towards "not". She's the one who walked out, she needs to deal with her consequences. She has already put one pet through a fair amount of distress, I'm not watching that cycle repeat. 

All contact is now broken. 100%. 

Here we go...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Alright, after my second night in a row of decent sleep, I've finally come to a decision.
> 
> Her pictures have been deleted from my phone. Pictures of us have been put away. Clearly, between the advice here and the advice of my close friends and family, the only way I'm going to make a good change for myself is to have a laser focus on myself.
> 
> ...


Good man.

WHEN (not if) she contacts you with requests, you simply say... calmly and without emotion... "I'm not ok with that"

Practice it - seriously.

Think of it as skydiving training. Nobody "really" thinks they can jump from an airplane and pull the cord, but you mentally go through it time and again, and "voila", when the moment comes, you have the goods.

"I'm not ok with you visiting the cats"

"I'm not ok with sending you money"

"I'm not ok with the way you treat me"

This is how you communicate emotionally. Look, you're not trying to "convince" her of anything. Once you go down that road, you're dead. Because when we try to convince, we end up "owning" their lack of agreement.

So many bad things come from that.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Yeah. We have a timeframe figured out to where she can visit the cats but for now, that's it. I told her she needs to get in gear with getting her stuff out of here. 

Landlord knows the situation, new lease next month.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> Yeah. We have a timeframe figured out to where she can visit the cats but for now, that's it. I told her she needs to get in gear with getting her stuff out of here.
> 
> Landlord knows the situation, new lease next month.


The Healing Heart: The 180


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks for the reminder, Conrad. Also thank you to the user who had that link in their signature.

I have bookmarked it and will be reading it every day.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

An update...

We had contact after we I had my first counseling session. She's been terrified of the marriage from the start, something I came to terms with myself. We moved way too fast and our frustration over it led us to become at odds with each other. 

She admitted that divorce isn't even on the table, but first thing she needs to do is sort out her own personal issues while I sort out mine. We were best friends for years before we got together and she wants to be at that point again before we attempt any sort of of focus on anything.

As she put it, a year is a long time and anything can change. She also got out of the relationship because we really WERE starting to hate each other. She admitted that running away wasn't the best choice, but she knows that in order for the two of us to heal we need to do it on our own terms. 

I do want her friendship more than anything, and she wants mine. We're working on that together. We agreed to let go of the relationship and what happened, and that we don't hold anything that happened against each other. In that moment, I let go of a lot of the resentment and frustration and realized that in order to gain my own drive back, I need to focus on myself. In order for her to gain her own drive back, she needs to focus on herself.

The talks we've had this week are....interesting, to say the least. We seem a lot more open to each other, even if it's slightly awkward right now, that awkwardness will eventually melt away. 

I'm not keeping my hopes up and neither is she. But what we are doing is what's best for us and nobody else, and what's best for us is to rebuild the strongest friendship either of us had before we focus on anything else. We're splitting the cost of taking care of the cats, and she can visit them anytime she wants as long as she asks, first. 

It's a unique situation that may seem weird, but we're a couple of unique people who are used to beating the odds. For now we're meeting up for a couple of teas here and there and just having talks about well...anything. The one thing I did realize is that after the hurt dissipated and I looked at the bigger picture, we DID move too fast and we're looking at putting the brakes on things before we start focusing too hard. 

Will keep you all updated, I thank you all for the wonderful support through the tough time I've had. For now, we're meeting up on Saturday for the Art of Peace festival in my town.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Best of luck to both of you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She sounds absurdly immature. How much endless indulging do you think would be enough? And then what?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> She sounds absurdly immature. How much endless indulging do you think would be enough? And then what?


I honestly don't know. The onus is on her to make her own changes though, ones she seriously has yet to make. 

So far, I've...

- Packed up her stuff
- Rearranged and re-organized my living room
- Got a new job
- Got a new lease with the landlord
- Got a new bank account
- Cleaned a lot of crap(mostly hers) out of here
- Got a counselor

She's....

- Done nothing.

:scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh,

And, that differs from before exactly how?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Not a whole lot, Conrad.

And update for you all. 

We've been talking, hanging out, going out and doing stuff as "friends". Feel like my back's to a wall when I came to a realization...

....she's nuts. 

She told me she was scared to come because she kept having this image of me running out with a butcher knife screaming that I would never be friends with such a b*tch. 

Her paranoia is at its maximum, and it's pretty freaky. A friend of mine gave her my counselor's card, this guy has actually worked some wonders for me already and I look forward to seeing him again. 

She's still at home. She's getting "spending money" from the in-laws. I can't believe the amount of respect I've already lost for her, and I told her as such. Used to be such a vibrant, gifted woman and now she's a mess. Can't help but worry.

I worry as two things, her husband, and her best friend. MIL wants her to go to hypnotherapy, and even then, she's skeptical it'll work. If she's not willing 100% to better herself, what good is this seperation going to do for her? 

I'm focused on myself, but I can't help but be concerned. It's almost like she's deluded herself into thinking that she's alright for years to the point where she believes it. 

I know nothing can force her and she only has control over herself, but still. Wouldn't be a good friend if I wasn't very, VERY concerned. Ideas? :scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's likely she was always a mess.

You were just covering for her.

She'll never learn anything if she's not allowed to experience the consequences of her choices.

None of us do.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I know. That's the part that kills me. She wants to be as amicable as possible, but I don't know how she really thinks that she can just go to this point as fast as she is, even if she said she wants to "take it slow".

If the hypnotherapy fails, she's going to have a rude awakening when she has to go to real counseling. I had it out with her on Monday briefly during a talk, where I told her that this whole situation was a joke. 

I was especially hurt by her saying that she wasn't changing her address for college reasons. I told her that she didn't even consider how I would have felt when she said that, and instead just went ahead and did it. I think she's starting to realize that my re-emergence and my will to Alpha up is making me less of her doormat and it may be scaring her. It may sound slightly sadistic, but it's strangely satisfying.


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