# Have any cheaters here received advice from a therapist?



## worldwide (Jul 14, 2011)

If you have had a PA or EA that had run its course, would the advice be to come clean or let it go. I am curious what the professional advice would be and the reasons for or against disclosure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My A was already over by the time I had my last IC. The IC told me to tell. I wasn't going to but in the end I did. I know a lot of people would never ever reveal an EA or PA, they simply take it to their grave.

And since I did tell, now looking back, I can't imagine never having not told. It seems odd.

I don't regret telling.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

worldwide said:


> If you have had a PA or EA that had run its course, would the advice be to come clean or let it go. I am curious what the professional advice would be and the reasons for or against disclosure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't care what a therapist says, if they advise against disclosure, unless the cheater is no longer with their betrayed partner, then they are hacks as far as I'm concerned.

Only reason to not give someone the information they deserve to have to make informed decisions about their life and what type of person they want to spend it with, is for the cheater to avoid consequences, or so they don't deservedly lose the person they betrayed for their own selfishness.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

worldwide said:


> I am curious what the professional advice would be and the reasons for or against disclosure.


I imagine there are therapist who advise not to tell. As well as there are those who advise to tell. Just all depends on the therapist. 

Ultimately though, it's a personal decision to tell. Nobody can make you tell or not tell. 

Are you currently in an affair?


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I imagine there are therapist who advise not to tell. As well as there are those who advise to tell. Just all depends on the therapist.
> 
> Ultimately though, it's a personal decision to tell. Nobody can make you tell or not tell.
> 
> Are you currently in an affair?


I got into a heated exchange with our therapist because she told me I was wrong for trying to find the info of the OMW so I could tell her what was going on. I told her I thought it was the right thing to do and that the only thing holding me back was the pain that I was going to open this poor other woman to. 

She said I was doing it out of spite and not because I thought it was the right thing to do. In all honesty I think a part of it was to turn the OM world upside down but the fact that a therapist would advise to let another person live a lie seemed completely wrong for me. From that day on in MC I never once respected that woman again. 

We no longer go to therapy and unfortunately I have not been able to track down this poor woman who lives with a cheater.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fun,

Whenever you have a therapist who you don't have a good rapport with, you should axe them stat. Good for you.


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## worldwide (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I imagine there are therapist who advise not to tell. As well as there are those who advise to tell. Just all depends on the therapist.
> 
> Ultimately though, it's a personal decision to tell. Nobody can make you tell or not tell.
> 
> Are you currently in an affair?


I am not in an affair, ONS, EA, etc. and I like to think that I never would be.

Granted an affair is a selfish act, I was curious if there are any well thought reasons not to disclose. Is the school of thought that even a ONS should be disclosed? What if the person had too much to drink. Is disclosure always the best thing, even if the impact of the disclosure could totally uproot and dramatically impact children (for example).

Not really looking for answers that the person should have thought about that before or other thoughts about having affairs. It is more trying to look at theories why not to disclose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

worldwide said:


> I am not in an affair, ONS, EA, etc. and I like to think that I never would be.
> 
> Granted an affair is a selfish act, I was curious if there are any well thought reasons not to disclose. Is the school of thought that even a ONS should be disclosed? What if the person had too much to drink. Is disclosure always the best thing, even if the impact of the disclosure could totally uproot and dramatically impact children (for example).
> 
> ...


WORLDWIDE, disclosure is important not only for the person who got cheated on but also for the cheater. Believing that not telling the truth, which is what you are doing by not "mentioning it", is basically starting a snow ball of lies to follow. 

For example: If not tell the truth about a druken ONS, which was not premeditated, then why tell the truth about those $50 extra $50 that got you drunk that one night you had a drunken ONS. 

The reason you tell ALL the truths (with the exception of a surprise gift of course) is that you are trusting your life long partner to forgive you for a wrong you have done them. You trust them because your love for them should go past self preservation. If you're relationship is not strong sustain a major mistake, then why make a life long commitment to begin with? 

I guess it all depends on your idea of what marriage is about. 

The only thing gained by not telling the truth are the consequences you will face for the wrong that you have done. 

Nothing else........


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

worldwide said:


> Granted an affair is a selfish act, I was curious if there are any well thought reasons not to disclose. Is the school of thought that even a ONS should be disclosed? What if the person had too much to drink. Is disclosure always the best thing, even if the impact of the disclosure could totally uproot and dramatically impact children (for example).
> 
> Not really looking for answers that the person should have thought about that before or other thoughts about having affairs. It is more trying to look at theories why not to disclose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The vast majority here will say disclosure is always best.

I don`t agree.

If I were to lose my mind and have a one night stand that I know was wrong and wouldn`t be repeated I wouldn`t destroy my and my childs life over it by disclosing.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Psychologists are not oriented to ensure that morality is considered. Many advocate secrecy. I see secrecy/lies as a worse offense than the ONS or affair. Therapists don't necessarily have that view nor do they always consider the impact of future discovery of the lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

worldwide said:


> If you have had a PA or EA that had run its course, would the advice be to come clean or let it go. I am curious what the professional advice would be and the reasons for or against disclosure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Come clean

Anyhow when you die you will be judged heavily by god i am not sure how he punishes people. You will see for yourself with that being said it is best to come clean generally as it tends to eat away at a person who has ended "set" affair. However for most cheaters it truly does not bother them and they never will truly quit cheating. For the cases that are very few such as a person who cheated and cant believe they did it and they feel disgusted by it generally its best they come clean as it eats at them. However for vast majority of people who cheat they never see a psychologist and they never really frankly or truly care about what they did that is the majority of cheaters they never really cared. 

The people who are disgusted and like madly depressed about there actions they actually do care and they are the ones who eagerly pursue marriage counseling along with often seeing a psychologist. They realize the wrong doing in their actions and try to turn away from there narcissistic and the apathetic callous behavior demonstrated.


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## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> Come clean
> 
> Anyhow when you die you will be judged heavily by god i am not sure how he punishes people. You will see for yourself with that being said it is best to come clean generally as it tends to eat away at a person who has ended "set" affair. However for most cheaters it truly does not bother them and they never will truly quit cheating. For the cases that are very few such as a person who cheated and cant believe they did it and they feel disgusted by it generally its best they come clean as it eats at them. However for vast majority of people who cheat they never see a psychologist and they never really frankly or truly care about what they did that is the majority of cheaters they never really cared.
> 
> The people who are disgusted and like madly depressed about there actions they actually do care and they are the ones who eagerly pursue marriage counseling along with often seeing a psychologist. They realize the wrong doing in their actions and try to turn away from there narcissistic and the apathetic callous behavior demonstrated.


:iagree: In addition the reason you should come clean is because it should bother you that what you did was wrong. Otherwise every time you look in the mirror you will see someone who is not good person because you are continuing to cheat your partner emotionally. Dishonesty is a short term answer with only 1 person gaining any rewards. Does not sound like something someone committed to a life long partnership would do.


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