# Seperate finances due to a mistake



## Debbie71 (Apr 20, 2014)

I was married for 2 years when this happened. My husband works construction and is laid off in the winter and I quit my job after getting married because he didn't want me to work (big mistake). Throughout the winter of the second year I had to pay some bills with a credit card and didn't tell my husband, he opened a credit card statement one day and this is when my life became miserable. He closed our joint account and essentially left me out in the cold. I found a part time job to pay the bills in my name and subsequently went back to the full time job that I left when we got married. It has been 2 years and he still refuses to work as a team to pay off our debt, in his name and in mine. We jointly own nothing together and he won't budge on opening a joint account and paying bills together. All of the household bills are sent to his parents address and the bank account he has also has his mothers name on it. I am so fed up I am ready to leave and be done with this marriage, I brought up counseling and he refuses to go. I am at my wits end and need some advice on what to do. When we get into a spat that's the first thing thrown in my face is the debt that was incurred when he was laid off. What do I do?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

After two years, if he's still holding a grudge about it and (most importantly to me) not willing to work with you to get past it, I'd be looking for other options. Life's too short to waste it in an unhappy situation.

C


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

That is very strange. What exactly was it you did that was so wrong? How did your husband expect you to pay the bills??? Very strange.

I hope your earnings are going into an account in your name only, and not his mothers account. If not, you need to change that immediately.

Why are the bills going to his mothers house?

That is a bigger problem than the joint account....

How involved is his mother in your lives?


----------



## Debbie71 (Apr 20, 2014)

Frusdil, to be honest I hold a lot of resentment towards her. I tried talking to her about the situation thinking she would tell her son this problem is between me and him but all she told me was I need to start going to church and if he seen changes in me then he would change, WTH???? She is always on the phone calling him wanting him to come to her house and fix or do things, with no regard that he has a wife at home he needs to spend time with. 

We do have separate accounts, my check goes into my account and his into his. I don't know why he started sending the bills to his parents house but its a thorn in my side from the beginning. I don't feel like we are a couple, this is not my idea of a marriage. I have brought up having a joint account for the household bills only and he won't budge, its a no and that's it. When we get into a spat that's the first thing he throws in my face, yes I made a mistake but he is being ridiculous. 

I love my husband but I am thinking if he can't forgive a mistake and give someone a second chance I don't need to be here. I tell him all the time he lives like he is single and not a thing has changed. I sometimes wonder if he doesn't want this marriage but is afraid of how much it will cost him to get out of it. Him and his family are what I call greedy about money. His brother once told me if he doesn't have a certain amount of money in the bank he gets anxious. I also believe he is sneaking and paying some bills for his mother. Example: we need to get a new mattress for our bed....his mother needed a new box spring, guess who got what....I am still sleeping on a mattress that kills my back. I found this out after it happened.

I have resorted to retaining an attorney and started looking into purchasing a house. I'm torn between being unhappy and still loving him.:scratchhead:


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

IMHO your husband is being a jerk. when you get married you are one
and that includes finances. i believe that's in the eyes of the law also.
(at least that's what i've been told).

check the laws online in your state just for edification to see if this is a violation of marriage laws. 

In any case, he is bullying you and it's not right.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When he wasn't working, where did he think the money was coming from to pay the bills?

This sounds like an excuse for him to freeze you out and for him to run to mommy. Tell him to stay with his mommy as you want a real husband.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

whats the big deal?

why would you pay a bill with a credit card? especially when you don't have a job. I see absolutely no logic in that.

whats the problem with keeping things separate? you work so you can pay your bills and if you want more money find a better job and improve your earnings.

or divorce if you can't live with thins separate.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Having it go into an account under his mothers name is the problem. In community prop states it makes not difference if accounts are under one spouse or another, they are all community property. Going into moms name complicates that. 

He didn’t want you to work and you are working now which he probably doesn’t like. It sounds like you are playing second fiddle to Mom. He is still choosing her wishes over yours. Holding a credit card debt as fuel for each and every fight is pointless after a while and it is now just an excuse to find you at fault. 

If he comes from a cheap/greedy family that does seem to bring extra challenges into a marriage to begin with. My stbx came from a family like that and the mom controlled 3 of the 4 kids with money. Luckily my stbx was the 1 who didn’t play the game. I watched the other 3 have multiple relationships fail all because mom controlled the purse strings and no one was ever good enough for her kids.

As much as I hate to say it he sounds like he will always choose money/mom over you. Either he chooses to work with you on this and fast or you need to have a serious talk with that attorney because from my experiences it never changes.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't buy a house.
He could be entitled to half of it.
He sounds nutty. The first flag is he didn't want his wife to work. What is this 1950? I would go the divorce route.


----------



## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Debbie71 said:


> I have resorted to retaining an attorney and started looking into purchasing a house. I'm torn between being unhappy and still loving him.:scratchhead:


Retaining an attorney is a smart decision. You need to have your attorney file for financial discovery of all assets that his name is on.

You may still love him, you may always love him, but do you want to live your life like this? Do you want to take a backseat to his mother? Things are highly unlikely to ever change and the sooner you accept that you chose the wrong person to spend the rest of your life with, the sooner you can go find a real man who values his woman. This is not what a marriage should be, but sit by and do nothing, it is what yours will be!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Debbie71 said:


> Frusdil, to be honest I hold a lot of resentment towards her. I tried talking to her about the situation thinking she would tell her son this problem is between me and him but all she told me was I need to start going to church and if he seen changes in me then he would change, WTH???? She is always on the phone calling him wanting him to come to her house and fix or do things, with no regard that he has a wife at home he needs to spend time with.


I'd be saving my money at my job for my lawyer so I could leave him.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So here's what you do. Put your money nto your account and when a bill comes in, he has to come to you for your part of the bill. You need to see the bill before you pay it to make sure you only pay half.

The credit card debt? Give him half of what is owed each month. If he's only paying the minimum, give him half the minimum.

In the meantime, save your money for (a) marriage counseling or (b) a divorce lawyer.


----------



## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

Debbie71 said:


> I love my husband but I am thinking if he can't forgive a mistake and give someone a second chance I don't need to be here. I tell him all the time he lives like he is single and not a thing has changed. I sometimes wonder if he doesn't want this marriage but is afraid of how much it will cost him to get out of it. Him and his family are what I call greedy about money. His brother once told me if he doesn't have a certain amount of money in the bank he gets anxious.
> :


Debbie, he is not behaving like this because of your one mistake, or any of your actions, this is who he is. He probably won't change and the person you fell in love with has now been fully revealed. You have to decide if his financial habits are so bad that you can't be in a relationship with him. If they are not, don't take it personal or as an attack on your trustworthiness. If this is too much for you to handle, you have some hard choices to make.


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

Communication and trust. Or leave: there'll be no point staying around. 

Way you tell it, your misjudgment is ancient history but he holds a grudge, won't discuss it, and uses the issue as cover to spend money on his ma that should have been a mutual decision. It was a mistake to bring her into this one on your part: I don't know how avoidable that was, but not a good idea.

I think, have it out with him. He has made a mistake on top of your mistake and is enjoying making you pay, enjoying the control. If he wants to stay on that high horse, he will ride it out of town alone. Perhaps he doesn't realise that. 

Or he can sit down, you can both be civil, and talk about whether there's a way for you to trust each other. Without trust there is nothing, so best find out if that can be fixed, without more lost time.


----------



## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Thats strange, seems like there is either more to the story than you are telling us or he and his family bat s**t crazy. Based on your comment about the mother saying you need to go to church and turn to god to solve your problems im leaning towards crazy.

Not that i dont believe in god or that anyone who is religious is crazy, thats not the case. But i find that people who rely entirely on gods will to save them in life have some screws loose. I reserve prayer for things out of my control, an incurable disease, a F5 tornado coming at me at 150 mph...things you truely need divine intervention.

Opening a bank account, saving money, sharing and supporting your spouse, thats pretty basic stuff, you dont need help from the all might on those.

Do NOT buy a house, if anything start saving money in your separate bank account and prepare yourself financially in case you decide on a divorce. Also is a good idea to keep some of you money in the form of cash in a SAFE place, such as with a trusted family member, like a parent or sibling. Often bank accounts and credit cards can be frozen during a divorce, with a cash reserve you will have enough money to pay some basic bills.

After two years of marriage to me it sounds like he has made it loud and clear where his priorities lie...with his parents. You are several notches down on the list, trust me i know the feeling, I have a wife who is more concerned about her parents, siblings and her job than her husband, i will always be 2nd or even 3rd to them. Dont get me wrong i love my parents but if they thought even for a second that i was making them or my job a priority over my wife they would be severely disappointed in me. The complete opposite is true for my in-laws.

I dont know your age or much about you but i would recommend moving on, why waste time on this looser especially if you are young, there is plenty of time to meet someone else and start over, i personally would take my chances with someone new, or even risk never remarrying than be stuck with someone who makes me miserable.


----------

