# Wife tried for a few weeks, then stopped.



## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

I've posted on here before (under a different name) about my wife. I spoke to her about how I feel like she doesn't spend time with me, or even seem interested in me, even though she says she is and thinks about me all the time. I told her that it seems weird that I have to make the first move every single time, when that didn't used to be the case, and basically she said that my every concern was wrong, and that she really is into me, a lot, and thinks about me and sex with me all the time. So, this last time I had to bring all of this up again was just before our friends decided to get divorced. My wife suddenly changed, and she acted like she was into me again for about a week, and she was very sexual and talked dirty during sex, and dressed up for me without asking. She made a comment to her friend, who at this point was separated, that "we are doing better than we have in a long time." That statement was true at the time.

She also told me that she understood that it was a concern, and she was going to take it seriously. She took it seriously enough that I felt validated for the first time in a while, and actually felt like the relationship was taking a turn. We had our 10 year wedding anniversary, and I proposed again, as a surprise. I had been planning it for a while, but never felt great about it until she started taking my requests and concerns seriously. That time has ended, and we are back to square one.

I don't want to disparage her, but things have been weird anyway. She's put on some weight, which bothers me, but as long as my sexual needs were met, I could look over the weight. She was still sexy to me, I told her all the time, and I could see past weight because I felt a lot of love towards her, especially after sex. Her change lasted about two weeks, and then I rode the high of that for a while longer, thinking she would go back to it. Now I realize, she isn't going back. We sit on opposite sides of the couch, she isn't close to me at all, and she doesn't say or do anything sexual unless I initiate it, and then I'm generally the one who has to follow through and do 90% of the work.

As shallow as I may sound, she is getting less attractive to me by the day. I almost feel like her changing for a few weeks was worse, because she talked about how she was taking it seriously, and how she wanted me to be happy, and showed me that she could do the things that I like, and then stopped. So is she not taking it seriously now? Does she not care now? When I ask, she says the same old stuff, that she's very attracted to me, still into me, all that, but now is back to her same old self. And because of this, every time I look at her, instead of seeing someone who is trying, and who loves me, I see someone who is getting fat and lazy, and someone who has no interest in being anything other than fat and lazy. I know, this is where I will hear that I have to take charge, prepare meals, go on walks together, all that stuff. She won't do it. I can't control her meals at work, I can't force her to go on walks, and while I also need to lose a little weight, I've already lost 15 pounds from just watching my diet and not exercising at all. She says she has to buy new shoes to start exercising, even though she has 50 pairs of shoes already.

I held up my end. Don't be annoyed when she gets home (I work from home ) and give her a hug, that sort of thing. But I also make meals, I do laundry, I do dishes, I help our son with his writing, reading, and spelling, plus his piano practice. I take him to almost all of his appointments. One of her complaints was "how could I be in the mood when I come home and everyone is aggravated?" So, I worked on myself, and that is no longer the case. But, since she stopped holding up her end, I have too. Now I'm not annoyed when she gets home, but it hasn't changed anything.

Our sex schedule is simple. We generally don't have sex when she is on her period because she feels bad, and I don't ask for oral or anything anymore because I get that what she's going through is rough. Then, the first week after her period, we have sex maybe 3 or 4 times, all initiated by me. After that, it's once a week, Saturday night, I initiate and make all of the decisions, she has 5 orgasms or more, and when it's all over, I wait until the next Saturday night. She says she's satisfied, but I am not. She's tired of hearing me talk about it, and I'm tired of talking about it myself. At this point I just don't say much to her and spend most of my time with my son or on other activities. I feel more and more like I don't want to be around her because of all of this.

Any help will be appreciated, but feel free to ask questions as well. I'll answer them to the best of my ability, but I won't be able to reply quickly every time.

EDIT: I literally just asked her if she had been with anyone else in the past year, and she said no. I believe her. I told her it was because I was trying to figure out why she tried to take the intimacy stuff seriously for a short amount of time, and that was one theory. She also said we were doing better when she found out about her friend, which isn't my recollection, but I'll take her word for it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It would be helpful if you asked a mod to combine this post with your previous user name so people have a more complete picture of your trials and tribulations.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

omega1814 said:


> I held up my end. Don't be annoyed when she gets home (I work from home ) and give her a hug, that sort of thing. But I also make meals, I do laundry, I do dishes, I help our son with his writing, reading, and spelling, plus his piano practice. I take him to almost all of his appointments. One of her complaints was "how could I be in the mood when I come home and everyone is aggravated?" So, I worked on myself, and that is no longer the case. But, since she stopped holding up her end, I have too. Now I'm not annoyed when she gets home, but it hasn't changed anything.


What you are doing doesn't make you attractive, doing chores doesn't make you more attractive!!



omega1814 said:


> When I ask, she says the same old stuff, that she's very attracted to me, still into me


And what she is saying doesn't mean it's true!



omega1814 said:


> and while I also need to lose a little weight, I've already lost 15 pounds from just watching my diet and not exercising at all.


And that is not enough to make you attractive, you need to hit the gym, lift weights and build muscles, to get the [ V ] shape physic!

Have you read Athol Kay's book? if not read it (and don't tell her you are): The Married Man Sex Life Primer (MMSLP) - By Athol Kay


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@omega1814 you judge people by their actions not their words and your wife’s actions are making it pretty clear that she’s not interested in what you have to say. 
Are you sure there’s nobody else on the scene, maybe at your wife’s work?
The fact that for a week she changed is actually a red flag. Did she do it just to placate you or was it because whoever else had her attention wasn’t available. 
Whatever the reason unless you want a long unhappy marriage you need to make changes. Would counselling be possible?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

There's a root cause to her behavior change and you're missing it.
Maybe it's the exercise thing, maybe she's just not into you, maybe whatever.

But asking her to increase the sex won't last (as you saw) if you don't deal with the problem.

Get into marriage counseling and I agree with @Kaliber about MMSLP.

I also want to see more of your marriage details from your previous username. that would surely help round out the picture.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

omega1814 said:


> his last time I had to bring all of this up again was just before our friends decided to get divorced. My wife suddenly changed, and she acted like she was into me again for about a week, and she was very sexual and talked dirty during sex, and dressed up for me without asking. *She made a comment to her friend, who at this point was separated, that "we are doing better than we have in a long time."* That statement was true at the time.



Most likely, with the realization of her friend's real life divorce, it hit her somehow, and pretended to be back in swing with you, and a reason to tell her friend how good her marriage was. Now, after a little while of the divorce shock fizzling out, and putting up for you, she's back to her old real self.


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## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> It would be helpful if you asked a mod to combine this post with your previous user name so people have a more complete picture of your trials and tribulations.


It's been long enough that I can't even remember my username, and I used a burner email through guerrilla mail. But, the basics would be that I need more attention, both through normal affection and sexual affection, than I am getting, and even though we have talked about it multiple times, I still am not having my needs met.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Temporary change is easy, as you’ve discovered, but permanent change is another story. She’s tired of trying because it takes effort on her part and she isn’t motivated enough to continue. That’s a very familiar story, unfortunately.


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## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

Kaliber said:


> What you are doing doesn't make you attractive, doing chores doesn't make you more attractive!!
> 
> I never said doing chores makes me attractive (though some women might say it helps.) I do all of the work around the house because she says that she is stressed from work. So, I take stress away at home. Either the work stress is so much that the housework doesn't make a difference, or it was never an issue to begin with. I vote for the latter, because I know her work schedule and it is rarely stressful for more than a day before there is a break. Maybe I can handle stress better than she can?
> 
> ...


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## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> @omega1814 you judge people by their actions not their words and your wife’s actions are making it pretty clear that she’s not interested in what you have to say.
> Are you sure there’s nobody else on the scene, maybe at your wife’s work?
> The fact that for a week she changed is actually a red flag. Did she do it just to placate you or was it because whoever else had her attention wasn’t available.
> Whatever the reason unless you want a long unhappy marriage you need to make changes. Would counselling be possible?


I considered this for the first time as I was writing the original post today. She works with almost all women, but there is a possibility that someone else could be in the picture. Everything else seems normal in the relationship, except the issues I'm having. I'm considering counseling at this point, so we'll see.


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## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> There's a root cause to her behavior change and you're missing it.
> Maybe it's the exercise thing, maybe she's just not into you, maybe whatever.
> 
> But asking her to increase the sex won't last (as you saw) if you don't deal with the problem.
> ...


There has to be some issue on her part, or she just doesn't feel like trying. I didn't specifically ask to increase sex, I just asked why she didn't act on her feelings if she really was attracted to me.


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## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Temporary change is easy, as you’ve discovered, but permanent change is another story. She’s tired of trying because it takes effort on her part and she isn’t motivated enough to continue. That’s a very familiar story, unfortunately.


I have that problem myself, but never with the way I feel about her. Except for recently, I mean.


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## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Most likely, with the realization of her friend's real life divorce, it hit her somehow, and pretended to be back in swing with you, and a reason to tell her friend how good her marriage was. Now, after a little while of the divorce shock fizzling out, and putting up for you, she's back to her old real self.


I've though of this, because the friends problems were similar to the issues I'm having. She wasn't getting sex as much as she wanted, and the quality wasn't there. I had that issue before, and now I'm having it again.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

omega1814 said:


> There has to be some issue on her part, or she just doesn't feel like trying. I didn't specifically ask to increase sex, I just asked why she didn't act on her feelings if she really was attracted to me.


Well if this is true:


omega1814 said:


> but there is a possibility that someone else could be in the picture.


You better find out about that first! If she has another interest (man or woman) then anything you try to fix or change will be worthless.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

omega1814 said:


> I have that problem myself, but never with the way I feel about her. Except for recently, I mean.


It’s not an uncommon problem. There are many threads here on that topic. Unfortunately most don’t find a good middle ground because of the effort required from the one who’s not interested.


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## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Well if this is true:
> 
> 
> You better find out about that first! If she has another interest (man or woman) then anything you try to fix or change will be worthless.


I just asked her point blank and she was offended and said no.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

omega1814 said:


> I just asked her point blank and she was offended and said no.


But of course, what other response would you think anyone was going to give you? Honey, yes I have another dude. If you think that she might have someone else, mouth shut, eyes wide open, and investigate.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

omega1814 said:


> I just asked her point blank and she was offended and said no.


ok, I applaud the direct approach. But did you expect "yes"? If she's involved then she's a liar and would of course say 'no'. And you'd get fake "offended" bs.

I would expect an innocent spouse to have great concerns that they are coming off looking like a betrayer and try immediately to dig into why and how to fix it. Offended? not so much.

The question to find out for yourself is whether there's any evidence to contradict "no".

Also...if her behavior changes back to lovey-dovey now ...that's gonna be a red flag. If hubby gets suspicious, wifey needs to throw him off the scent.

I'm not trying to convince you she's up to no good. I'm just pointing out that if she is, any attempts to fix your marriage will be pointless.

You need to be as confident as you can be that there's no one else and your comment earlier wasn't very confident.


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## omega1814 (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> But of course, what other response would you think anyone was going to give you? Honey, yes I have another dude. If you think that she might have someone else, mouth shut, eyes wide open, and investigate.


It's pretty tough to investigate. She works an hour away from home, she has a work phone, a work computer, and she has meetings that she drives to weekly. She has multiple opportunities to see someone else, but short of following her or using a gps tracker, I don't know what to do.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

omega1814 said:


> I've posted on here before (under a different name) about my wife. I spoke to her about how I feel like she doesn't spend time with me, or even seem interested in me, even though she says she is and thinks about me all the time. I told her that it seems weird that I have to make the first move every single time, when that didn't used to be the case, and basically she said that my every concern was wrong, and that she really is into me, a lot, and thinks about me and sex with me all the time. So, this last time I had to bring all of this up again was just before our friends decided to get divorced. My wife suddenly changed, and she acted like she was into me again for about a week, and she was very sexual and talked dirty during sex, and dressed up for me without asking. She made a comment to her friend, who at this point was separated, that "we are doing better than we have in a long time." That statement was true at the time.
> 
> She also told me that she understood that it was a concern, and she was going to take it seriously. She took it seriously enough that I felt validated for the first time in a while, and actually felt like the relationship was taking a turn. We had our 10 year wedding anniversary, and I proposed again, as a surprise. I had been planning it for a while, but never felt great about it until she started taking my requests and concerns seriously. That time has ended, and we are back to square one.
> 
> ...


You each have different sex schedules that you would prefer which is quite typical. You're also quite typical in that you're the man and you want sex more often than she does. That doesn't mean your need trumps her need or her sex schedule.

You will both need to meet in the middle and compromise and be happy with it. There's nothing wrong with her that she wants sex less often than you. That's normal. It's also normal to slow down as you get older for many people.

Of course she's not going to initiate because you are already wanting sex more than she wants to have it.

You just need to understand that you're both normal with your individual sex schedules and you are not right for thinking she must step up to meet your sex schedule. You must step down a little and she must step up a little if you need to talk about it and not go into it assuming you have the right to have the upper hand and get your way.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You each have different sex schedules that you would prefer which is quite typical. You're also quite typical in that you're the man and you want sex more often than she does. That doesn't mean you need trumps her need or her sex schedule.
> 
> You will both need to meet in the middle and compromise and be happy with it. There's nothing wrong with her that she wants sex less often than you. That's normal. It's also normal to slow down as you get older for many people.
> 
> ...


What do you mean my wants don't trump hers?? 

Ask my W and she'll say the same. Except the sentence will end with "his"! 🤣🤣🤣


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

omega1814 said:


> It's pretty tough to investigate. She works an hour away from home, she has a work phone, a work computer, and she has meetings that she drives to weekly. She has multiple opportunities to see someone else, but short of following her or using a gps tracker, I don't know what to do.


Then I think is good to start doing it!
You need to eliminate the possibility of any third party!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

omega1814 said:


> I just asked her point blank and she was offended and said no.


Newsflash - cheaters lie. 

When asked if they are getting with someone else - they say no.

Now I am not saying whether she is or she is not getting with anyone else.

What I am saying is you have to actually snoop around and do an honest investigation on the downlow. 

And now that you’ve raised the question, she knows that you are suspicious and she is likely covering as many tracks as she can, cleaning up her phone and emails etc and getting rid of any any evidence and is getting in touch with the other person to take it deeper underground.

From here on out, do not ask any questions you do not already know the answer to.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

you asked your wife

Why do you think they call him/her cheating?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why would she seek extra sex when she's already getting more sex than she wants at home and wishes it were less?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Wow! I read your first post, then skimmed the rest, as this is the perfect example of how not to do it, and what will happen.

I will ask but already know the answer..... Did you give her a REAL ultimatum about your relationship? Such as: Either this gets fixed or we are done... and meant it?
You can ask, talk, beg, cry, plead, demand for change but unless she believes you, she will not make a meaninful change. All the diaper changing in the world will not change her, she has to FEAR loss of something to change.

Talk with her, tell her that you are not going to live like this, you desire a real relationship. If things dont change, you are done....... If you mean it you have a chance...if its just empty threat things will continue as current. 

kdc


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why would she seek extra sex when she's already getting more sex than she wants at home and wishes it were less?


This question has been asked by many HD spouses in connection with their LD spouses forever.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why would she seek extra sex when she's already getting more sex than she wants at home and wishes it were less?


Maybe she's getting so much sex in her affair she doesn't want it at home any more. Or maybe she's trying to stay faithful to her lover, wouldn't be the first time that ever happened.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

She values the marriage for reasons other than the physical connection. So, even not wanting more sex, she'll ramp it up for a while (to keep you on board) then back off when she thinks she's done enough.

Think of pushing to complete a work project. You can work extra for a time (several months even) but at some point it feels burdensome and you push back because you're used to the norm. But if your boss says "you are not pulling your weight and we need more" you evaluate your situation and if it's still a good situation you do what's needed to stick around long-term.

Similarly, you need to tell her that you know she knows what to do, but she needs to be closer to that level consistently, and needs to work with you to make it sustainable.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

DTO said:


> She values the marriage for some reason other than the physical connection. So, even not wanting more / better sex, she'll ramp it up for a while (to meet your need and keep you on board) then back off when she thinks she's done enough.
> 
> Think of pulling hard to complete a project at work. You can put much extra effort for a time (perhaps even several months) but at some point it feels burdensome and you push back because you're used to the norm. But if your boss says "you look like you are coasting and we need more" you evaluate your situation and if it's still a good situation you do what's needed to stick around long-term.
> 
> Similarly, you need to tell her that you know she knows what to do, but she needs to be closer to that level consistently, and needs to work with you to make it sustainable.


This is how it works in my marriage. I will have the talk with my wife about the lack of sex, after arguing with me and her “giving in” I will see the frequency up for about a week. It’s still the same ole thing though with the same position and her lack of enthusiasm which just kills it for me. After about a week we go back to a dead bedroom until the next time I have the talk with her. I’m so over this.

Her value in our marriage is that I’m a good income earner and other than sex we are genuinely good friends and co parents. My fear is what will we be like when the kids are on their own and out of the house? If it’s anything like what happened on our anniversary trip last month I am not looking forward to that.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

GoodDad5 said:


> This is how it works in my marriage. I will have the talk with my wife about the lack of sex, after arguing with me and her “giving in” I will see the frequency up for about a week. It’s still the same ole thing though with the same position and her lack of enthusiasm which just kills it for me. After about a week we go back to a dead bedroom until the next time I have the talk with her. I’m so over this.
> 
> Her value in our marriage is that I’m a good income earner and other than sex we are genuinely good friends and co parents. My fear is what will we be like when the kids are on their own and out of the house? If it’s anything like what happened on our anniversary trip last month I am not looking forward to that.


I hear ya...sounds familiar.

Sadly, only two real choices. Leave or live with it.

Good luck!


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I hear ya...sounds familiar.
> 
> Sadly, only two real choices. Leave or live with it.
> 
> Good luck!


Yep! I hate that I long for it, especially the things she refuses to do like oral either way. I’ve read the books recommended here, including the DSO one and even with making those changes I was hoping it would make a difference. Nope, I have been going to the gym for several months now and changed my attitude about being a nice guy, thinking more for myself, yet she hasn’t reacted any different to me. 

I miss the physical touch the most though. I’m touch starved.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

GoodDad5 said:


> This is how it works in my marriage. I will have the talk with my wife about the lack of sex, after arguing with me and her “giving in” I will see the frequency up for about a week. It’s still the same ole thing though with the same position and her lack of enthusiasm which just kills it for me. After about a week we go back to a dead bedroom until the next time I have the talk with her. I’m so over this.
> 
> Her value in our marriage is that I’m a good income earner and other than sex we are genuinely good friends and co parents. My fear is what will we be like when the kids are on their own and out of the house? If it’s anything like what happened on our anniversary trip last month I am not looking forward to that.


In the words of Maverick 

EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!


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## Woodford (6 mo ago)

Get out now. I wasted years in a similar scenario and now I am older and about to pull trigger. Save yourself now.


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