# Need help putting my marriage back together



## DTC (Nov 10, 2009)

Hello! Thanks in advance to anyone who can help. Beware – LONG post – sorry!

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and dated/lived together for a few years before that. She says she can’t say she loves me anymore due to some episodes where I got too drunk and messed up holidays and vacations by raising my voice and generally getting belligerent and she even says I sexually abused her once but what happened was I thought she was awake one night on vacation and I was rubbing her trying to entice sex but she wasn’t awake and thinks I groped too hard or something. I have never hit her (and NEVER would, I don’t even like arguing), I am actually a pretty nice guy and I have never taken advantage of her sexually by forcing sex. When she says stop, I stop. I have never cheated on her and I don’t think she has cheated on me either. She says she checked out of our relationship years ago but we have a 3 year old so we stayed together in what I thought was a good relationship. We kissed every time we said goodbye, we said “I love you” every time we got off the phone or left each other and everything seemed ok until last month. I realize I had been too complacent in out relationship and selfish and last month I had another drunken night and she said that was the last straw. We are still together but I have been on the couch for 3 weeks, 3 days and there’s no end in sight as she says she doesn’t know what she wants to do. I feel there could be hope as she has not kicked me out but I don’t know. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since the last episode (3 weeks, 5 days) and don’t plan on it. She has reconnected with a lot of her H.S./college friends and she is on the computer a lot IMing a group of them. I have always trusted her and still do but I guess I’m really insecure right now because in my mind if she doesn’t love me, she will eventually find someone who she may like enough to take it to the next step. I’m not sure I really believe that and she assures me she would never cheat on me and she is not interested/attracted to anyone else but it’s hard not to think about those things. I don’t know if she’s going through a mid-life crisis at the same time she is done with me or something but she says she needs her own friends that don’t know her as my wife or our sons mom and I am totally ok with that, I wish she had done it sooner. She says she needs her space to figure things out and I am trying to give that to her as best I can but I find myself wanting to be close to her so I can try to do anything I can to show her how much I love and need her. I made the mistake of looking at her cell phone text messages because I know she has been reaching out to friends and some of those are guys. I told her the next morning that I looked at her texts because I thought they were suspicious as they were both to 2 of her guy friends while she was out one night (one is out of town and the other is in town but I know they are just friends) and she had gotten free condoms at a bar and one fell out of her purse when she threw it down in a hurry to go throw up in the bathroom when she got home (she wants to drink? Fine, I don't have a problem with that really as she usually doesn't let it get out of hand). We don’t use condoms and I of course thought the worst and I couldn’t talk to her about it that night because she was passed out. I guess my (quite insane at the moment) mind got a short in it and her phone was there and I looked at it, which I never do and I never try to snoop on her. After reexamining in my memory what I saw and what she explained to me (which I honestly believe) I realized I was overreacting. Now the relationship has taken a long step back from any progress we had been making as I have lost her trust and I don’t know what to do. I apologized for looking at her phone a told her it was the only time, which is true, and she even said that one of the good things about me is that I never butted into her online/personal life. I love her so much and have always tried to do the right things but a few bad experiences have left her angry and basically to the point that she doesn’t care about me anymore. All I want is to repair my mistakes and gain her love and trust back but she’s not even sure what she plans to do. Right now my son is what I am concentrating on and all I want is to be near him so I don’t want her to kick me out and I don’t want to leave. I’ll sleep on the kitchen table if I have to to be near my boy everyday. How can I repair my relationship with her and put my family back together again? I know it will take time but I need to know what the best plan is to make it all ok again. Thanks again for any help!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I'd say your first step is to work on your drinking problem, the rest should fall into place after that is resolved.



DTC said:


> She says she can’t say she loves me anymore due to some episodes where I got too drunk and messed up holidays and vacations by raising my voice and generally getting belligerent !


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