# new marriage and old baggage



## mandah2386 (Mar 21, 2009)

I am newly married. Our marriage is for the most part wonderful. He listens, he doesn't yell at me or treat me like a dog. He does things around the house and I feel like an equal partner. I really shouldn't have anything to complain about but I do. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what a healthy marriage looks like because my parents fought like cats and dogs growing up and my first marriage I repeated my parents behavior. 

We are both divorced and we both have 2 children. We actually knew eachother's exes because we all use to go to high school together years and years ago, and since neither of us moved away from our small town we would occasionaly all bump into eachother. Both of our marriages were horrible. I honestly thought when we got together since we both came from such horrible marriages that things would be perfect, we would appreciate eachother so much because of what we came out of but actually it's nothing like that. Yes, we tell eachother we appreciate eachother but we both have bad habits we need to break.

He slept with his ex wife right when we started dating. We were not an offical couple and had only been on a few dates at the time. The thing is he lied to my face about it until after we were engaged. I was devasted because I thought he would never do something like that to me, especially knowing my past with my ex husband. It didn't hurt that bad that he had slept with her, what hurt the most was that he lied to me about it. So trust is pretty much gone. I am always on my toes and actually read every single text they send eachother on their phone. I know I need to learn to trust him if I expect to have a a healthy and good marriage but I just can't bring myself to. He's done everything he can to make me feel better and reassures me it was a horrible mistake, he wants nothing to do with her and if he wanted her he would be with her but he married me and that should be enough. 

I'm the type of woman who loves attention, not from others, but from my spouse. I love to be hugged, kissed, to hold hands, to be told that I look pretty on occasion, etc. His ex was not a girlie girl at all and hated any sort of affection. He's told me that he's a romantic at heart but he's gotten so use to holding it in that he finds it hard to do that sort of stuff for me. It bugs me because I always tell him how much I appreciate him and how handsome he is. I do EVERYTHING around the house, I cut the grass, and I also work. the man seriously only has to go to work and come home. In his first marriage he worked and she stayed home and even still he had to come home to clean the house, cook dinner, run the errands, etc. SHe was very lazy. I just feel like I'm not appreciated because he never voices it. 

I feel like a whiney child, like i"m throwing my little tantrums and this stuff is petty but I cant help it. I just hate the way my marriage is turning out. I feel like we truly love eachother but that I won't ever be happy unless I can truly trust him, and he shows me how attracted he is to me and how much he appreciates me.

One more issue we have is some of the things he says...his ex was very much a tomboy and I'm the total opposite. He has made the comment that he finds women in soffee shorts and tshirts very attractive. That's not exactly my style, I'm more of a sundress and flip flop type and of course his ex always wears soffee shorts and tshirts. so of course I feel compared to her, or that he feels like he finds her sexier. I've told him I felt and he said "tons of women wear that, just because I said I find that attractive doesn't mean I find HER attractive." My ex was a cowboy and wore boots and wranglers 365 days a year. I told him "how would u feel if I said I found wranglers and boots attractive? Lots of men wear those, but if I said that to you, then you would think of my ex and think I found him more attractive." He didn't have much of a response after that. 

I do feel like he stepped up a few notches when he married me, not bragging, I'm not mrs. america. I'm average looking but I do care about my appearance, I workout daily, dress nice, do my hair and nails. I treat him like a King and do not cuss him or yell at him. I do more than my share of work and I just wish he would at least acknowledge it. I feel like sometimes he wants to go back to her. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm use to fighting because it's all I've ever known, i just go lookiing for stuff to fight about. Please help me.

Edited to Add: Another issue that bothers me is our sex life. He's told me numerous times they never had sex but about 1-2 every 3-6 months. When we first started being intimate the first few times we tried he couldn't get an erection. It bothered me so bad because I feltl ike he wasn't attracted to me. I kept reassuring me it wasn't me, he was nervous. I asked if he ever had this problem with his ex and he said only once, they were married for 10 years and only one time!!! We've had that problem about 10 times in our relationship but we do have sex a good bit, just about every night. He tries to explain to me that it's just like how some nights I can't get an orgasm but I still enjoy it and am turned on, that's the same way for him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yep I'm there too with a new marriage and old baggage. It sucks!!!!! 
I think we go into the 2nd expecting more and also being more afraid. I can't address his sleeping with his ex but the rest of it I get. 
I feel like my ex was such a horrible person that I expect superman, like I deserve perfection now. I am working on my fear and my expectations. 
As for the sex, I would be ridiculously happy if my h wanted it every day even if he couldn't get it up all the time. Clearly you are wearing him out! Of course it didn't happen with his ex as much, they were barely functioning sexually so why would it? 
He does need to watch his comments about the T-shirts but I think you might be over reacting. If he is wanting sex so much and didn't with her it sounds like he's more attracted to you.
It takes a long time to adjust to each other. We are in MC now. I've found there are some thumgs that the divorce did to me that I wasn't aware of a d that's hard too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awake1974 (Jul 8, 2012)

Don't say you're whiney, I believe that's your way of communicating. I used to say my wife was a nag and whiney all the time, but I was too arrogant to realize that she was trying to tell me something. Unfortunately, I realized it too late and that's why we're headed for divorce. You have to ask yourself, "what am I worth?" You should feel that you're worth so much that no one can put a price on you...you are priceless and valuable. Don't let yourself think otherwise.


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