# trying to be friends but still finding lies



## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

I have been a lurker here for months and have found that my story is in so many of the stories here already. I have seperated from my wife after having seperated once and trying reconcilliation only to find I could not get past the lies from the affair and the lies afterwards. I have started a new relationship and still think of ex at times and it is very disturbing. Thoughts of her enter while having sex with new g/f or just at random times that I have no control over. I know our relationship was toxic but why is it she enters my mind at the worst possible times. It makes me sad and distant from everything and everyone around me at those times.

does anyone have any advice!!!!!!!


:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you been to individual counseling?


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## nilokonyako (Feb 6, 2012)

I'm like you STOH. I think it just shows that youve not completely detached yourself from your WW. I believe that at this point, it is still unhealthy to have a new relationship. It will be unfair for the new girl and yourself.

My WW wants us to be friends for our kid but i still cant get over her lies so im wondering how thatd work. 

We need to constantly remind ourselves that its over and theres nothing more we can do about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been separated? Maybe it's just too soon.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get some counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

might be to soon for a new relationship, and you need some "me" time to get your head in the right place.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think STOH needs to stop being friend with his cheating wife. It sounds like she never stopped cheating and why have a friend who deciets you.

Even if there are kids involved, for his own mental health he needs to show her the emotional indifference she diserves or even wants?

For emotional health he needs to detach, no more friends crap.


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

I dont think it to be too soon. 1 year of trying to fix the marriage after the affair and still more and more lies. Info that wasnt available at the time that would have for sure been a deal breaker. She wasnt honest yet the memory of her haunts me at times. I worry that her decision making is affected and we have small children involved in this divorce. If she cant even tell me the truth even after losing the marriage and continue to lie and lie how can I trust her with the kids????


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How she treats you may have nothing to do with how she treats her children. She can be a good mom and a crappy wife. True story.

My ex was a horrible mate. but a good dad.

As far as being in a new relationship before divorced....is that working for you? Doesn't seem like it. Try being alone for a while to heal. And maybe seek some therapy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Maybe?

Make it a "911" type of priority call.


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

I am in therapy. I have discussed the relationship with my therapist for the last year. In it we even went as far as to make me cry like a child because it appears I was abused in this relationship and when convo turned to a point where I had to admit that outloud it made me very very sad and unstable. She was a woman I trusted and loved and would have died for and yet some other man walks into her life, says a few things that she finds appealing and voila a lifetime of hopes and dreams crushed. I used to clean, cook, take care fo the kids, never ask her where she was going or where her money went. After the affair it turned into an inspector husband job. Always checking on her, emails, texts, etc. It was no way to live. I even found out that she was still in contact with this Other Man while we were in marriage counselling... how does one forget this crap. How does one move on with any kind of trust in anyone, when the one you trusted with your life crushed it like it was a used cigarette


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

change therapists


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

Conrad said:


> change therapists


why change therapists? what did the therapist not do ?????

:scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

still_think_of_her said:


> why change therapists? what did the therapist not do ?????
> 
> :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


If you don't feel any differently than this after one year, therapy isn't working for you.

Change therapists to get a different perspective - perhaps from a therapist who will challenge you to grow.


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

therapy was good. Gave me ideas to not just accept what she said to be true. to trust that I was injured and possibility of her continuing to decieve me. As it turned out everytime I looked a little further into anything she said it turned out to be either a complete lie or lots of omissions. Either way transparancy and honesty were not there


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