# MAJOR problem... would like someone's advice who has been here



## MTGuy (Apr 2, 2012)

Hello.

I'm new to this forum, and really am searching for some advice some of you may have regarding my situation. I'll try to be as succinct as possible, but I need to make sure you know exactly what is going on.

My wife and I have been married for coming up on 19 years. We dated for a little over a year, got engaged, and was married 9 months later. We loved each other, although I wish I knew then at the age of 24 what I know now about love. And I still love her, but am not "in love" with her. Nor do I desire her...sexually, emotionally, etc.

When we were dating, I don't recall having big discussions about major things in life. I'm sure we did to some extent, but there was SOOOOO much neither of us knew. I guess everything was "ok" at the time, or so it seemed anyway because we didn't see any big hurdles. 

Well, how things and people change over time. My aspirations have changed... I used to want to be a big corporate guy, but now I am entrepreneurial and have completely different goals than what I had 19 years ago. (I wish I would have had these same goals back then, but I was ignorant of them.) Anyway, that's just an example. My view on finances are quite different. She is EXTREMELY conservative, and is quite comfortable with the industrial-age mentality engrained in her by her parents. I want to invest, to grow wealth, not hastily and without appropriate caution. For example, buy or start a business--make money work for me. I'm tired of making other people rich.

We NEVER have had much of anything in common. She loves typical middle-aged soccer mom types of things. Hell I've been caged up so many years I'm really not even sure what I like anymore, but it's not the same things I can tell you that! I'm not saying we couldn't find SOMETHING which we both like, but honestly I'm not interested in investing the effort right now into that.

Two VERY important things we do have in common are our two children. Both girls, 13 and 14 years old. We both love them dearly. They are GREAT kids! Seriously, we are extremely blessed.

We are both Christians. I would say hard-core Christians. We are both sinners as well, and know we fall short and make mistakes. I have made mistakes in my past, despite my attempts at praying for strength. I have had some successes over things, but not all of them. I used to look at porn fairly regularly, then gave that up. Every once in awhile I still do. But I do not feel it has a hold on me. My biggest sin in relation to our marriage has been that I have become involved with another married woman.

I've been unfaithful a few times, mostly just for the sex. Actually strictly just for the sex. Met a woman from a website a couple times while on a trip...that sort of thing. Yes, I feel bad for cheating on my wife. In many many many ways, I feel my wife has almost forced me into this. (Of course, I know that's not true. No matter how ****ty our marriage is due to things she does or doesn't do, I know cheating was my mistake and not hers.) But over the last five years our marriage has become worse and worse. As our girls get older, I've come to realize that since we have NOTHING in common, what the hell are we going to do when they move out?

My wife and I do not communicate very well. She talks and talks and talks about what I consider pointless things, and I just try to listen the best I can. I'm not as much of a talker. Serious things about our marriage we hardly ever talk about until something explodes. It's piss poor communication about our relationship, that's for sure. I'm as guilty as she is. Probably more so.

Anyway, for whatever reasons right or wrong, I made the major mistake of having an affair. When I say mistake, I mean that it was a mistake to cheat on my wife. But I have actually fallen in love with this other woman. And, no, it's not a pheromone-induced "sex is so freaking good" kind of love. I believe it's authentic. We've been seeing each other for nine months. We live three hours apart, but have no problems meeting at least every other week. Even if it's for just the better part of a day. On frequent occasions we've both managed to arrange alibi's so we could spend the entire night together. Sometimes a couple nights in a row. And twice we've taken major vacations together. One overseas even. We are serious, and both of our marriages suck dirt. Our specific situations are a little different, but ultimately we believe we have taken our rose-colored glasses off and see each other for who we really are, and we see two people who are MUCH more compatible with one another.

This woman is dealing with depression, so our relationship has had its fair share of unique circumstances. But we manage to deal with it. I love her so much, and want her to be happy. She loves me to the point of really giving me an ultimatum... she needs a plan that would involve both of us getting out of our marriages somehow. Without that plan, she doesn't want to continue to see me because it hurts too bad.

See, she has also cheated on her husband once before. Problem is, she got caught. He is trying desperately to keep her and she feels horrible for cheating on him again while he is trying so hard. Her reasons, although different from mine, are also due to nearly 19 years of a marriage in a VERY strict and legalistic religion. She has four children, and a husband who, until recently, never paid her any attention. He has NEVER told her she's beautiful, and was largely absent throughout their marriage. Since he found out about her infidelity, he is trying desperately to improve himself and their marriage. But she wants nothing of it... in fact, when they have sex it's all she can do to tolerate it. He is overly affectionate and it drives her crazy.

I guess to sum things up, we have both made mistakes. Neither of us want our current marriages to continue EXCEPT for the fact we have children. We do NOT want to hurt our children, and know that divorce will ultimately have some affect on them. I like to think optimistically and believe that, although it would undoubtedly affect them, we could communicate sufficiently to at least minimize damage as much as possible. 

I'm wanting to consider a trial separation. I DREAD even bringing the idea up. Although in a recent letter my wife wrote to me, she said if it wasn't for the kids she would actually like to try this out, too. So one big question I have is if a trial separation would be recommended here. Have any of you been in a similar situation?

This is really affecting me emotionally. The new woman I have come to love over the last nine months is incredible. I want her more than ever before. And I don't believe it's a false want. I don't want to hurt my wife or kids, but know it's inevitable unless I break off the affair. I have CRAZY thoughts run through my head. For example, I literally would LOVE it for my wife to find someone who could make her happier. Seriously... I have even thought about how I could help facilitate this! That's so wrong of me to even think, but I can't help myself.

Well, any advice is welcome. Please, I'm sure there will be plenty of people who will simply want to criticize me. I'm not looking for criticism or sympathy or pity. I'm looking for empathy; someone who understand what I'm going through and has some good advice. If you just want to bash me and make me feel like an idiot for my wrongs, then please save us both the time and don't respond. I'm not denying I've made serious mistakes here. I know what I want, I just don't know what to do next.

Thank you!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you want a trial separation? What's that going to accomplish, besides giving you the freedom to continue doing what you're doing? What are you "trying"?

As an FYI, I also cheated on my wife. 2 women, both in the last 4 months of my marriage. In the end, I decided to end the marriage without my wife knowing that I had done this, as I wasn't willing to work on or reconcile our marriage in any case. Our divorce has been very amicable; I think a large part of that has to do with the fact that my wife wasn't as badly hurt as she would have been if she found out.

So my advice to you... Either end your marriage (no "trial" separation) or end your affair(s) and work on your marriage. Stop living in limbo, and stop cheating, because it's only going to blow up in your face. 

As a further FWIW... I wasn't seeing anyone when I told my wife I wanted our separation (no trial, but a one year separation is mandatory here), and I wasn't seeing anyone when I moved out. But I did start seeing someone shortly after moving out (last February), and we've been exceedingly happy since. My kids (11 and 13) seem to be adjusting well, and I attribute a lot of that to the fact that my wife and I are still very amicable, and both working on what works best for the kids.

C


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

MTGuy said:


> Hello.
> 
> I'm new to this forum, and really am searching for some advice some of you may have regarding my situation. I'll try to be as succinct as possible, but I need to make sure you know exactly what is going on.
> 
> ...


Why is it that EVERY time a poster says "I love my spouse, but am not in love with them any more"

A few lines later there is "the person" who they met, and are lusting after, or in an affair with.

Every.freaking.time.


OP:

As a Christan, I suggest that you do a Bible study on marriage.... Actually, on the COVENANT of marriage. Don't just read some passages, but look at the meaning of the original text these passages were translated from. Then go look your wife in the eyes. Don't say anything. Just look. 

Do you really think the direction your life is headed is going to lead to happiness? 

Go to the infidelity section here on TAM, and read, read, read. It will really open your eyes. It did mine. It stopped me from heading down the path you are on. The path to loneliness, self loathing, and pain.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Anyway, for whatever reasons right or wrong, I made the major mistake of having an affair. When I say mistake, I mean that it was a mistake to cheat on my wife. But I have actually fallen in love with this other woman. And, no, it's not a pheromone-induced "sex is so freaking good" kind of love. I believe it's authentic. We've been seeing each other for nine months. We live three hours apart, but have no problems meeting at least every other week. Even if it's for just the better part of a day. On frequent occasions we've both managed to arrange alibi's so we could spend the entire night together. Sometimes a couple nights in a row. And twice we've taken major vacations together. One overseas even. We are serious, and both of our marriages suck dirt. Our specific situations are a little different, but ultimately we believe we have taken our rose-colored glasses off and see each other for who we really are, and we see two people who are MUCH more compatible with one another.
> 
> This woman is dealing with depression, so our relationship has had its fair share of unique circumstances. But we manage to deal with it. I love her so much, and want her to be happy. She loves me to the point of really giving me an ultimatum... she needs a plan that would involve both of us getting out of our marriages somehow. Without that plan, she doesn't want to continue to see me because it hurts too bad.


You are having an affair with a woman who is depressed, has cheated on her husband before you, and has 4 kids. Your marriage problems are 50% your fault......fact. Her marriage problems are 50% percent her fault....fact. Both of you running away from broken relationships will not make a whole relationship. You will deal with the same wounds that you carry with you on a daily basis into this new relationship, and it will bury you in regret. Maybe not initially, but down the road this will be even harder than just fixing your own marriage that you have now.

You are entertaining your own selfish desires to a point that you can't even see the truth if it smacked you upside the head. Stop being a slave to your emotions or your flesh. You have inner problems that don't allow you to communicate with your wife. These things will creep up when things get rocky with the OW. Good luck.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Right now your wife and your daughters are living a lie. You have deluded them yet you call yourself a Christian! Tell her the truth about you and her marriage and leave her as to whether you go with the other woman or not.


But you wont do that will you. You’ve set another woman up so that you can go from one to the other without being alone.


I sincerely hope your wife doesn’t go with your “separation” because that’ll just keep her as your Plan B for that much longer.


Be a Man. Tell your wife the truth such that she can make her decisions based on reality, not the delusions you have created all around her.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

You have several major problems.

1. No integrity.

2. You have dishonored yourself in the lowest of ways.

3. You have completely violated your own faith.

4. You are in the fog about your relationship with the other woman. Your statement about this being different is the rationalization of a dopamine addict.

5. Once a cheater, always a cheater. This "new" relationship is destined to fail and there will be even more destroyed lives in the wake of the train wreck that is your life.

You came to the Men's Clubhouse with a problem and you are looking for advice. 

Man up!

1. Immediately stop contact with the other woman and stop all cheating.

2. Tell your wife that your marriage is in serious trouble and ask her if she wants to try and fix it. You need to tell her the whole truth, now. Tell her it may be irreparable.

3. You both need counseling.

There is probably only one thing in the world that will give you the strength to do the right thing and that is your daughters. You are one sorry example of a husband and father but we live in a country of new beginnings so there is a sliver of hope. Your daughters will be devastated to know that their role model for a father/husband is a lying, cheating, philandering coward who ran away from his problems and his dreams.

Own your mistakes and try to fix them. If you sincerely try and fail, then move forward with leaving your wife and destroying your family.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Right now your wife and your daughters are living a lie. You have deluded them yet you call yourself a Christian! Tell her the truth about you and her marriage and leave her as to whether you go with the other woman or not.
> 
> 
> But you wont do that will you. You’ve set another woman up so that you can go from one to the other without being alone.
> ...


:iagree:


Mistakes are made by children not by adults who know full well the difference between right and wrong. So stop hiding behind the word 'mistake' for your actions of betrayal and start being a real man by accepting them by what they truly are, 'free will choices', and tell your wife so she can see who she is married to and make the wisest of choices based on the truth.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I don't know what you expect here. Most individuals come here to get help for their marriages. You have gone outside of your marriage to get your emotional and sexual needs. And you want to know how to continue this? How would that help you situation?

Your marriage has gotten worse over the years? Could it be that during that time, you were giving away your love and emotions to someone other than your spouse? Might it have been so hard to put those emotions and effort into your marriage and to your spouse. You know, to the woman that has invested her life to you and your children. No? 

Your wife is conservative? Maybe she knows you better than you do. Just the way you gave up on you marriage when it got tough, you'd probably give up on a business too. Boy I'd love to be your business partner. Yeah right, you can be trusted.

Stand up and be a man, stop the deception to yourself and family. See yourself for what your are. A liar for deceiving your family. A quitter because you quit on the biggest endeavor of your life.
Christian, yeah? Go tell you pastor you couldn't help yourself so you decided to destroy two families, because you were unhappy. 

Well good luck to both families. Too bad their lives are in your and your unfaithful AP hands.


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