# Not yet married..7 months to go..but..



## noneedforaname (Sep 7, 2010)

I'm engaged to be married in 7 months and already I've noticed a decline in sex. It wasn't always like this and I'm more than aware of how a lack of sex (or terrible sex) can really screw up a relationship; even if all else is well.

I've talked to my wife-to-be about it, she's aware it's a problem and she's also aware that I have a very high sex drive and it a lack of sex really bugs me. My past is that of what some of you may call a "man *****" and to be completely honest it really annoys me that I had a more active sex life when I was single then I do in a committed relationship plus the benefit of having sex with a variety of different women.

I have no intention of cheating on her, I do love her and our relationship is great. However, at this very moment I'm some what content with masturbation..but I'm not entirely sure how long it'll last before I snap and say "there is no way I can go through with this for the rest of my life."

I'm not willing to ignore my sex drive in order to appease her.

Anyway as far as she goes it's between her medication (anti-depression) and she is grossed out by her body. She's not an overweight women by any means but she's not nearly as small as she was in high school (according to her). 

At this point it seems like we only have sex when there is alcohol involved. Pretty annoying. I don't want to go through an entire bottle of Crown Royal just to be able to have sex with my wife to be.

The question I have for both men and women is looking back if you had caught on to the fact that your partner may have a low sex drive would you still go through with the marriage? Does everything else trump the lack of sex like happiness outside of the bedroom or kids? Or would you run for the hills?

There are no kids involved so it would be very easy for me to run for the hills. I love her to death and I do want to marry her but I don't want to be end up a miserable prick because of a lack of sex either. 

I'm also concerned...due to my ability to have sex, very easily without being in a relationship and my past experiences in previous relationships may eventually end up an issue as well. 

She tried to hit me one night (it frustrates her to converse about it) with "that's how it is in all relationships sex is frequent and then it kind of tapers off." Well, I know better so it's no way I'm going to buy into that bull****.

Anyway, I'm done rambling. Any sage advice would be appreciated. Thanks.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Run, Run,Run do not get married if sex is important to you. 


Until you find someone your compatiable with sexually. 

I speak from experiance it will only get worse.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I even registered to warn you the lack of desire to be sexuall with your spouse or soon to be spouse is a big red flag.


Althought my wife is a good mother and house keeper the lack of sex is making me resentfull and everyday it bothers me.

don't even think if she loved me she would want to work on it with me. Just dosen't happen like that


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> Run, Run,Run do not get married if sex is important to you.
> 
> 
> Until you find someone your compatiable with sexually.
> ...


:iagree:

Dude, it is very likely to only get worse. After the pressures of marriage and possibly having kids in the future come along sex only declines. 

I hate the thought of a relationship ending but believe me 
it's better to find out now then 5 or 10 years later with a couple of kids running around.


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## noneedforaname (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks for that Mike and Chilly, I hear what you are saying but I think what bugs me is I'm constantly wondering if it will ALWAYS be like this. Our sex is amazing, when we do have it and apart of me feels that when she tries to downplay the significance of sex it's just her trying to avoid the conversation because she's embarrassed by her lack of desire due to medication and her insecurities with her body.

Personally, I think the medication excuse is BS. She's been on it since we met, I'm not really sure how suddenly it could kill her sex drive out of nowhere. I think it has more to do with her self esteem issues.

And I'm sure most of us can agree that dating someone with self esteem issues SUCKS.

I kind of feel like I should be there to help her work through these things but I don't want to do it in vain. Especially considering it needs to be 50/50 not just me talking until I'm blue in the face.

Another concern is I've been very active for the past four months, I've always had a slim build but now I'm stating to "tone up" more muscle definition and all that good stuff. I'm thinking it may get even worse when she seems me improving my physique where as far as she's concerned her's declining.

I also forgot to mention that she has thyroid disease so that's apart of her weight gain. I can assume she used to be VERY skinny prior to her thyroid issues because right now she is an average women.

Has anyone here had experience with dating a woman whom you don't necessarily find attractive? It's his / her personality that gets you. Is this something that can even be successful in the long run?

She has very attractive co-workers who constantly compliment me..and I'd prefer they not do that because as far as I'm concerned it makes her even more insecure making things worse for me in the bedroom.

*I also want to emphasize she is a WONDERFUL woman. I think it's easier when the entire relationship sucks. But man..our relationship is awesome it's just the sex life is bleh. I almost feel like I need to either a. take a great women with a low sex drive or b. take and average to ****ty women with a high sex drive. I know those aren't the only two options but our the chances of meeting a woman who is not only amazing but can't keep her hands off me for the duration of the relationship?*

Rambling again. Sorry.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I'm going to comment on this post as a new wife who is in the same situation, but probably understand your fiance's side better. Our sex life tapered off before the year was up too and it seemed natural. I have been in other long relationships (never married) that it didn't ever taper off, but for some reason ours did. We've been married about a month and we don't have much of a sex life. My husband has never been pushy about sex, but I know that doesn't mean he doesn't want it. It's natural that he does. However, I am not as open about sex and am not usually the one to initiate it, so now that I am in a relationship with someone who doesn't initiate, it becomes very frustrating. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he is not a talker and when he gets upset he shuts down completely. Now I am finding that he has been looking at/watching porn on the computer when I am not around. I don't know how to settle the problem when he is being so "close lipped" about it all. I guess all I can suggest is that you do talk about it and you talk about it until you are both satisfied with the outcome. She may need to give more to you and you may need to be satisfied with less at times, but there has to be a happy medium. I am looking for that happy medium in my marriage, but can't find it with someone who shuts down whenever something needs to be discussed that isn't always pleasant.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So I'm pretty much you--except that I've been married for 4 years now and while my husband is by and large a great guy--

It never got better.

I've been rejected every conceivable way to the point where if he suddenly grew a libido, I doubt I could ever be attracted to him again. He's managed to kill every mental tie I have between him, passion, sex and love by making it clear that sex, sex with me, maybe just me, who knows? is impossible to conceive.

We don't touch. At all. Oh wait. A peck over coffee on our anniversary last week. We don't hold hands, we don't snuggle. Nothing. I decided that if I wasn't going to get sex, then I wasn't giving affection-it was just a big tease as far as I was concerned if it never went to the next step.

I've had two full-blown affairs. I don't want to be alone. 

We had so many excuses and justifications before we got married that we just skimmed over that part, I think. And frankly, it's killing everything else we had--

There's always a chance that things could change. That you could learn to get by on less. That all the other wonderful things you share could be enough. But it didn't work out that way for me. 

I'd think really carefully about whether you're willing to spend the rest of your life together with things exactly as they are right now, because this is likely to be the best it's at in terms of sex and passion with no kids, mortgages, etc. to provide even more stress on the situation.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has low libido and there appears to be no end or relief in sight. Although I do love her, I stay frustrated pretty much all the time and often feel resentful (even though I intellectually know her condition is beyond her control). To answer your question, not only would I not marry a woman I knew had a low sex drive, knowing what I know now, I would probably run from anyone suffering from chronic depression, bipolar, BPD, or any other psych. disorder. It is possible to make a relationship work in spite of these issues, but it's like entering a sack race with a crippled partner. I wouldn't divorce a wife because she developed an illness, but there are perfectly acceptable, healthy, high functioning prospects to choose from. Would you buy a new car if you knew it had transmission problems which could never be fixed, especially if the price of a perfectly functioning one was actually cheaper?


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I'll add my two bits, whatever is wrong before marriage gets worse with time.

Since sex is a key ingredient that holds a marriage together, despite your love for this fine woman, call the wedding off today, if you are unable to resolve libido issues.

Perhaps making too broad a statement, many women see a decline in libido with the passing years, and when the kids arrive ..., lots of men don't. You can have a similar level of interest into your 70s, perhaps later, I know of nursing homes that have couples' rooms that are reserved just like hotel rooms, the only bedrooms in the place with locks. Residents' avg age > 85.

My marriage started off fine, great sex for many years, then menopause, possibly anti-depressants and all of a sudden my wife and lover became a very asexual creature. I am getting closer and closer to filing for divorce, an action I could not have imagined 3 years ago.

For the sake of the woman you love either resolve this issue or call off the wedding. Both of you will become increasingly unhappy and you will look upon your marriage not as a source of joy, but the worst mistake you ever made.


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## noneedforaname (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks for all of your responses, it's given me a lot to think about. I was kind of hoping we would cruise into marriage and live happily ever after. As I've stated I'm not yet miserable..but I can't help but think that it won't last long. I'm not sure how long I can keep my resentment and frustration in check.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks for all of your responses, it's given me a lot to think about. I was kind of hoping we would cruise into marriage and live happily ever after. As I've stated I'm not yet miserable..but I can't help but think that it won't last long. I'm not sure how long I can keep my resentment and frustration in check.



:scratchhead:

Its always difficult to make the tough decisions in life but in the end your life will be richer.

Good luck 

p.s. I wish I had a fourm like this 17 yrs ago when I was thinking the same thing as you are now. I would at least have a pre nup of some sorts to protect any assets you have.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No matter who you end up with, it won't be a "cruise". More like a voyage with a mixture of calm seas and hurricanes.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'm going to have to agree with the majority here.

I am guessing you are 25ish to 28ish. . .and I was like you - on a scale of 1 to 10, I was like a 9.8 on a libido scale and I saw this during engagement - a decine. . .then marriage a 50% drop. . .and then kid 1 - a 90% drop and she said the same, exact, DAMN thing -

"Well, all sex tapers off between married couples. Didn't you know that?" She just needed to add a "Duh!" in there.

and try this one for size:

"That's not a reason you get married."

This doesn't bode well.

There's also another saying, "No man is worth a damn til he's 40."

Why not just be single for awhile? I am sure your fiancee *is* a good person/woman and probably needs a man about my age given her sexual temperament. ( I am NOT making a between the lines suggestion here, lol) 

I think there is a very valid reason that men are often a few years older than their spouse and they marry "down" - their reproductive potentials often match because the male libido towers over the female libido.

Sow your wild oats and settle down in a few years, when you are worth a damn.

I know now. . .my libido is now a 8. Wow - it's dropped a little to being sensible. I can even go a whole day without an orgasm sometimes (lol). I could actually probably match up with your fiancee and even be happy with "I'm going to just have sex to make you happy" sex 20-30% of the time.

Honestly, now that I am almost divorced, I feel more suited for marriage than ever (other than the petrifying fear of failure again I deal with  )

I am totally speaking in generalizations here as usual. . .since women peak at age 37. . .but their "peak" actually matches my decline.

See what I mean?

It's like what one comedian joked:

"I told my father that I am going to get married and then I am going to be able to have sex. . .ALL THE TIME! and he laughed and said, "Uh yeah, that's what you think, son!"


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## noneedforaname (Sep 7, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I'm going to have to agree with the majority here.
> 
> I am guessing you are 25ish to 28ish. . .and I was like you - on a scale of 1 to 10, I was like a 9.8 on a libido scale and I saw this during engagement - a decine. . .then marriage a 50% drop. . .and then kid 1 - a 90% drop and she said the same, exact, DAMN thing -
> 
> ...


I hear you, but I've already sewn my royal oats , many times over. Of course I can't imagine having any complaints about doing it again if it came down to it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NNFAN,
This is the deal. In "good" marriages both partners put each others needs first. So when she wants to talk about something bothering her and have you listen and be supportive you do it. You don't try to problem solve, you listen and sympathize. And when you want her to make the "effort" to let you get her in the mood, she does. She doesn't say "not tonight I don't feel like it". 

In average marriages "someone" gets good at getting the other person to meet "their" needs, but it is very one sided. These marriages tend to last a long time as there is one person (sounds like this is you) who tries a lot harder - we will call this person "the giver" and is highly committed, and their spouse does not try hard "the taker" and makes excuses/blames the "giver" for actually wanting to be loved back. 

That said, if you actually want to have a highly sexual marriage that STAYS that way you have to master the art of being nice and kind and supportive and loving while ALSO being good at defining what is acceptable behavior to you and what is not. If you are always nice/kind/supportive and don't demand that YOUR needs get taken seriously than she will lose respect for you. And once she loses respect she WILL lose desire. In general a man can have sex with a woman he doesn't respect. A woman is typically not able to. 

But for it to all work, this also means you have to learn what she needs you to do inside and outside the bedroom for her to like having sex with you. So force an honest discussion about THAT. I bet there is a lot you don't know about what she likes/dislikes sexually. 

The three biggest reasons I still have a great sex life are:
1. I have gradually become a true expert at what turns her on and what turns her off. In and out of bed. This required me to check my ego at the door and really watch and learn and listen. 
2. I am overall a great partner. She is still in love with me. 
3. I have consistently communicated that sex is simply not an optional part of marriage. So she does what she needs to do on her side to keep that part of our marriage good for her. Sometimes that takes effort - she makes the effort. 


If it was me, I would put the wedding on hold until she understands that she is marrying someone who needs the physical part of the marriage to be something the wife is strongly committed to. 

About 2 months before my wedding - 20+ years ago my W told me she wasn't sure she wanted to marry unless I converted to her religion. Now this was a topic we had discussed and resolved over a year earlier. 

I didn't yell, I didn't scream. I didn't even get angry. We were living together at the time and we were just outside the house in my car. I simply said "I will never ever convert, if that is a showstopper for you lets cancel the wedding. However this is your only shot at a wedding with guests. If we jerk everyone around like this last minute, the only wedding you will ever have with me is the two of us and a priest. I am not pressuring you, I won't be mad or leave you if you cancel the wedding. It really is ok. But since you had over a year to think about it before we announced the date, the consequence to this last minute change of heart will be that you forfeit the right to involve anyone in a "second shot". 

Guess what, within an hour she dropped the issue and said she wanted to proceed. And on and off for 20+ years I have had to do stuff like that. Otherwise the doormat outside our front door - well by now that would be me. No thanks. 




noneedforaname said:


> I'm engaged to be married in 7 months and already I've noticed a decline in sex. It wasn't always like this and I'm more than aware of how a lack of sex (or terrible sex) can really screw up a relationship; even if all else is well.
> 
> I've talked to my wife-to-be about it, she's aware it's a problem and she's also aware that I have a very high sex drive and it a lack of sex really bugs me. My past is that of what some of you may call a "man *****" and to be completely honest it really annoys me that I had a more active sex life when I was single then I do in a committed relationship plus the benefit of having sex with a variety of different women.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MEM11363

You are a MAN. You understand women, you know how to make a woman happy, and you know how to stand up for yourself. 

My husband will not let me get my way if I am being silly. I have to give in, so funny, thinking of me have to admit that I am wrong. I am a very proud woman. 

Men shouldn't let their women run all over them. You have to respect women, love women, but never let women manipulate you.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

So there are a lot of women who don't like sex!!! 
Why don't they like sex? Sex is such a wonderful thing!!! Orgasms are so great!!! 
I can understand why a lot of Chinese women don't want to have sex, because a lot of Chinese men are boring, they don't know how to act in bed. A lot of Chinese women don't even know the fun of orgasms. 
I am sure you guys are great in bed. But why don't western women want sex? Depression? I know that depression can be a big problem. When I am bothered, I am not in a mood for sex, but nothing can bother me for too long. And I don't give up orgasms. Sometimes my husband jokes that I am in a bad mood because I don't have enough sex. So I should have more sex!

I want to find out why some women don't like to have sex!!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

GP,
When my W is being difficult I just give her a warning look. If she persists I ask her if she really wants to have conflict. 

But sometimes I can tell she is being difficult to "play". And then I just say "If you do that again I WILL spank you" and then she can decide. 

This conflict, when handled the right way is all a strange type of foreplay. I wish someone had explained to me when I was 26 that conflict does not require raised voices or bright red faced anger. It simply requires determination and skill. Sometimes humor works. But she IS proud and stubborn so I make her apologize because otherwise she would gradually become a nightmare to deal with. 

I say "baby, apologizing is the emotional equivalent of eating your vegetables, it is good for you". A lot of times she will say "ok - then here you can apologize for me, it will be good for you". And then I just laugh and pin her against the wall and overpower her. 

Or I twist the logic and say "I am sorry that I have not disciplined you enough during our marriage. And that you have become stubborn and difficult because I have not been firm with you. I promise to punish you more often to fix this problem" - now I am smiling.

Americans say that men don't apologize but women do. Nonsense. In our marriage I apologize more than half the time. 







greenpearl said:


> MEM11363
> 
> You are a MAN. You understand women, you know how to make a woman happy, and you know how to stand up for yourself.
> 
> ...


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## Zammo (Aug 9, 2010)

> "that's how it is in all relationships sex is frequent and then it kind of tapers off."


She's preparing you for a completely sexless marriage. Run.



> But why don't western women want sex?


I'm reminded of a joke - Why do American women insist on having sex with the lights off?

Because they hate seeing a man having a good time.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> GP,
> When my W is being difficult I just give her a warning look. If she persists I ask her if she really wants to have conflict.
> 
> But sometimes I can tell she is being difficult to "play". And then I just say "If you do that again I WILL spank you" and then she can decide.
> ...


MEM11363
I tell you some secrets about Chinese. We are not good at expressing us with words. Chinese men seldom say "I love you" to their wives. Same thing, we seldom say: "I am sorry."

At the beginning of our marriage, we had arguments often. You know, we are from two different cultures. Very often, I was being unreasonable. I acted silly because I knew that my husband loves me. My husband had to spend hours trying to calm me down. One day, he told me:" I never hear you apologize!" I was like: Why do I need to apologize? I didn't do anything wrong." He said:" You just don't want to admit that you are wrong." I was still so stubborn that I wouldn't compromise. But after that, I did start paying attention to my behavior and words. My way of showing I was wrong was by shutting up. Now I have learned to apologize right away if I acted silly. 

Some men love their wives, they let their wives do whatever they want to do and buy whatever they like to buy. I don't know if this is love or scare. They let their wives control them even though sometimes the wives are acting silly. They let their wives ruin his happiness and their happiness. I actually don't respect men who are like that. Of course I don't like women who are vain and too demanding. I see a lot of women complain that their husbands don't make enough money to give them a good life style but they go out and buy a bunch of dresses and purses, then they say they have a lot of debt. I don't understand why these women have to be like this. Sometimes men have to be strong about this kind of impulsive spending. No matter how much you love this woman, if she is silly, then she is silly. Use your wisdom and help her mature. I have learned a lot from my husband even though he is younger than me. Not about managing money, for this, he benefited from me. I learned to have a good temper from him. I also learned a lot about life from daily conversation with him. 

I feel, in a marriage, the man should lead the family, he should love his wife and respect his wife, but he should be the leader.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

GP,
It sounds like you have both helped each other greatly. That is the great thing about a healthy marriage.




greenpearl said:


> MEM11363
> I tell you some secrets about Chinese. We are not good at expressing us with words. Chinese men seldom say "I love you" to their wives. Same thing, we seldom say: "I am sorry."
> 
> At the beginning of our marriage, we had arguments often. You know, we are from two different cultures. Very often, I was being unreasonable. I acted silly because I knew that my husband loves me. My husband had to spend hours trying to calm me down. One day, he told me:" I never hear you apologize!" I was like: Why do I need to apologize? I didn't do anything wrong." He said:" You just don't want to admit that you are wrong." I was still so stubborn that I wouldn't compromise. But after that, I did start paying attention to my behavior and words. My way of showing I was wrong was by shutting up. Now I have learned to apologize right away if I acted silly.
> ...


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## habadash (Aug 1, 2010)

just want to ditto on this one, and I WISH that somebody had told me this before i got married. do NOT, do NOT, do NOT get married!! don't even think about it! you think its gonna be difficult to return that engagement ring? you think its gonna be a hard time? just wait until you have to get a divorce lawyer. its way worse.

the best thing to do is put the marriage on hold. the next thing to do is go to pre marital counselling. this girl needs somebody to tell her that sex is not an option in marriage. she needs to hear it from somebody other than you. then she needs to demonstrate that she gets this. personally, i think its a waste of time. you are better served finding somebody else now. but you can explore with her some more if you'd like, but DO NOT GET MARRIED!


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## HiYa (Sep 22, 2010)

"That said, if you actually want to have a highly sexual marriage that STAYS that way you have to master the art of being nice and kind and supportive and loving while ALSO being good at defining what is acceptable behavior to you and what is not. If you are always nice/kind/supportive and don't demand that YOUR needs get taken seriously than she will lose respect for you. And once she loses respect she WILL lose desire. In general a man can have sex with a woman he doesn't respect. A woman is typically not able to. 

But for it to all work, this also means you have to learn what she needs you to do inside and outside the bedroom for her to like having sex with you"

I appreciate that men have a higher labido than women do, so sex is a very important part of their lives. What I don't understand is how, in my personal situation, that my husband still expects the same physical level of intimacy that we had in the beginning. However now, I have 2 more children (his) to deal with, clean up after, help with homework, run to extracirricular activities etc. Not to mention the fact that I, as a single mother of one child for 8 years, had a much simpler life and a whole lot less to take care of at the point we met. But all of a sudden, LIFE HAPPENS, and the person you believe is going to be your PARTNER to help carry the load, has just dumped all his responsibilities on YOU, BUT still expects the same vixen in the bedroom. 

Gentlemen, perhaps the decline in sex is not wholly the fault of the woman, or women that of your man. Perhaps you should examine if you are personally carrying your part of the load and showing affection outside of the bedroom. Women hate to feel like a "receptacle" constantly just to take care of their man's needs. If you have kept your own glass house, then you can throw stones at theirs.

I love my husband to death and I try to keep our house, manage our children, run the errands, do the shopping, pay the bills, etc, etc. And sometimes I have intimacy with him, not because I want to, but because I want to make him happy. And we still maintain 2-3 times a week. But it's honestly much harder now to get excited about giving more and more when I've already given so much to my family. 

My advice is that if sex is so very important in your life, trully do not marry her. You will only make her miserable. But if you wake up and realize that PEOPLE are what matters and not just PEOPLE's PARTS, then you will realize that what you have found with her doesn't just happen. You want sex, you will find it. The deeper connection is much harder to find.


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## HiYa (Sep 22, 2010)

"That said, if you actually want to have a highly sexual marriage that STAYS that way you have to master the art of being nice and kind and supportive and loving while ALSO being good at defining what is acceptable behavior to you and what is not. If you are always nice/kind/supportive and don't demand that YOUR needs get taken seriously than she will lose respect for you. And once she loses respect she WILL lose desire. In general a man can have sex with a woman he doesn't respect. A woman is typically not able to. 

But for it to all work, this also means you have to learn what she needs you to do inside and outside the bedroom for her to like having sex with you"

I appreciate that men have a higher labido than women do, so sex is a very important part of their lives. What I don't understand is how, in my personal situation, that my husband still expects the same physical level of intimacy that we had in the beginning. However now, I have 2 more children (his) to deal with, clean up after, help with homework, run to extracirricular activities etc. Not to mention the fact that I, as a single mother of one child for 8 years, had a much simpler life and a whole lot less to take care of at the point we met. But all of a sudden, LIFE HAPPENS, and the person you believe is going to be your PARTNER to help carry the load, has just dumped all his responsibilities on YOU, BUT still expects the same vixen in the bedroom. 

Gentlemen, perhaps the decline in sex is not wholly the fault of the woman, or women that of your man. Perhaps you should examine if you are personally carrying your part of the load and showing affection outside of the bedroom. Women hate to feel like a "receptacle" constantly just to take care of their man's needs. If you have kept your own glass house, then you can throw stones at theirs.

I love my husband to death and I try to keep our house, manage our children, run the errands, do the shopping, pay the bills, etc, etc. And sometimes I have intimacy with him, not because I want to, but because I want to make him happy. And we still maintain 2-3 times a week. But it's honestly much harder now to get excited about giving more and more when I've already given so much to my family. 

My advice is that if sex is so very important in your life, trully do not marry her. You will only make her miserable. But if you wake up and realize that PEOPLE are what matters and not just PEOPLE's PARTS, then you will realize that what you have found with her doesn't just happen. You want sex, you will find it. The deeper connection is much harder to find.


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

check my thread here; i just got over a situation where i was in a low sex phase of our marriage when my husband and i both previously had a very high sex drive. don't underestimate the effect of the medication. in my case, my meds were not only killing my sex drive but causing me to become super paranoid and insecure that my husband was cheating on me, and made me so tired and groggy that i stopped going to the gym. i became really insecure about my own body, and that and the fact that we weren't having as much sex only fed my constant paranoia that my husband was getting it from elsewhere. meds that decrease libido often also cause depression, and depression affects different people in different ways, so both her drop in sex drive and her insecurity about her body could be caused by the meds. encourage her to see her doctor about alternate treatments that don't have these side effects.

i agree that sex is a very important part of a relationship. my husband and i are very lucky because we both have very high sex drives, but the phase during which the meds were killing my libido and making me paranoid that he was cheating was very difficult for both of us. my husband never cheated but he admitted that the decrease in sex got really hard towards the end. if we hadn't done something about it, i don't know what would have happened. 

be up front with her and tell her that you have strong sexual needs and that you need someone who is compatible. my husband and i had this conversation before we got engaged even though it was very awkward since we are both from conservative backgrounds. she should understand and take it seriously that this is important to you.


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## doesntknoweverything (Jan 5, 2011)

I registered on this site to reply to your post. Although what I'm saying is harsh, there's no way you should get married right now. If you get married there are two or three paths for you. One, you'll have a blast for the first year and then things will seriously fizzle out and you'll be constantly fighting with yourself over feelings of guilt for thinking about and maybe having sex with other women (which will only get worse over the years and you're life will be wasted). Two, you'll have a blast for the first year and then force yourself into accommodating your wife and changing your lifestyle and mindset so you'll have what society defines as a successful marriage (that takes a lot of work). Three, you'll get divorced in 6 months. 

Whatever you do, don't have kids unless you really want to be a dad. Cuz you'll probably end up being a divorced dad anyway and then the kids will need a father. I don't know... you've got to be gung-ho when getting married. Marriage and relationships, as well as our mindsets, are very fickle. We change a LOT as we grow... even into our 40's. I've been married almost 6 years and my husband is still sort of cute to me, super loving.. but extremely annoying lately... There's almost nothing I find that's sexy about him.... almost the opposite. We had amazing sex when we first met. Much of it is his demeanor. He doesn't act sexy at all.. treats me like a little girl - he often doesn't act like a man. I saw this up front and thought it would be easy to overlook since he has so much more to offer. Let me tell you, 1-2 things out of place or if everything isn't perfect... these 'little things we think we can overlook' become huge and are impossible to ignore... for years.. doesn't ever go away. 

Don't marry her just so you won't lose her. Design a lifestyle you can live with ... for yourself... and just have a few girlfriends for awhile.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I am a little unclear with your mention of past relationships winding up with this issue so qualify but, unless your needs for frequency are somehow out of whack here is my response. 

Don't be missled my the notion that somehow when women reach a certain age they drive increases. this is the case in some but, IMHO not common enough to bank on. 

Her contention that "that is how it is" for me cements in her mind that this is OK, she is not willing to change and you should therefore accept it. 

If you are going through with this marriage you are essentially agreeing to the terms. I feel bad for her as she has issues but, don't take on a science project adn try to help her unless you feel a lifelong of a sexless relationship is acceptable. 

Even if HYPOTHETICALLY she gave you some indication that she wants to please you but, has a hang up and recognizes thta you have needs and will work on this bla, bla bla... Even then i would be sceptical. Given her postion on the topic i would not Marry this women as it WILL get worse (or certainly no better). 

As evidenced by people on this board (you should search related topics) there are men who have low drives. In fairness she belongs with someone who is similar to herself. You are both being unfair to eachother by ignoring this fundemental missmatch. 

Don't let her guilt you into the "I can't believe you are leaving my for sex" or otherwise belittling remarks that minimize the need for intimacy. A health marriage usually involves sex...period. 

In a perfect world you will find someone soon that you are compatible with but, that may not happen. Personally i would rather get a dog, a bunch of guy friends and find other ways to relieve your sexual needs then be forced to beg for it from this women, have to live without or .....

Cut and dried dude....run and don' look back. She is likely to say things will change....she had her chance. 

Good luck.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

It may be hard for women with "average" or above labidos to comprehend the notion of not liking sex. 

It would seem that there are women (and men) who for watever reson don't enjoy sex or in the very least cannot accept the notion that they should try to make an attempt to be accomodating in this manner. 

It seems that many, many responses seem to automatically assume that the sexless marriage is to be blamed on the man who is being denied. Granted there are allot of situations like this but why:

Does the OP's fieance/girlfiend feels his behavior seems to be good enought to seeking the comfort and socially acceptable relationship of marriage and spend the rest of her life with him and bear children but, she feels sex should be optional? 

Can we simply accept the notion that some people have differnt needs for sex and they should try to seek out people who are similar. Thould this man who is reaching out for advice be asked to start kissing his gf's butt to have sex??? At this point in the game?


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

mike1 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Dude, it is very likely to only get worse. After the pressures of marriage and possibly having kids in the future come along sex only declines.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

They are very right. If having sex five times a week is that critical and she's on the decline now-forget it.
You describe yourself as a guy who made the rounds. If you expect her to be a sex toy after the wedding, kids, etc.... 95% of the time-No Dice-Not Going to Happen.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

She's pretty much telling you sex ain't going to happen after the wedding.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

This post started in September and he hasn't been back since. Why are all these old posts resurfacing?


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Brennan said:


> This post started in September and he hasn't been back since. Why are all these old posts resurfacing?


Well-why keep starting new threads when the older ones have so much great info already??


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Run! run like the wind! Run like the devil's after you! Run, I tell you, Run! Don't pack. Don't look back. Don't stop to say "Good-bye", or to offer any explanation. You are seeing her at her absolute best, "courting" behavior. Do not believe for a second things will improve when you're dangling on her stringer.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

This has been an interesting thread, even if the OP has left. 

I would recommend postponing the marriage, or actually cancelling. Even if she later says she will try to change, that is easier said than done. She (or he) has to WANT YOU like you want them. This will NOT get better over time and now that the OP knows the difference, he will feel even MORE horrible than he is now if he does marry her.

I went into marriage thinking we had a good sex life but it crashed and burned as the marriage progressed. By the end of year one it was in trouble.


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