# Is this Narcissistic or Emotional Abuse?



## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

_I will try to keep this short._

I've been with my partner for 10 years (I'm 27, he's 31). All of our relationship he did things to hurt me. Ex: Left me for an ex, talked to women while I was pregnant, hid social media, lied, drank all night, etc. I forgave him each time. Long story short, I left him last summer for another man. Yes, it was very stupid but I fell for someone who made me feel special. My partner and I remained in contact as he was begging for me to return/promised me change. I returned. Things for _almost _a year are worse then they have ever been. He holds resentment (understandably) but we both made mistakes. I have apologized sincerely, cried to him, explained my reasoning, etc. Nothing gets through to him. Everyday he throws the past in my face. He says things like, "gtfo, I don't know why you came back, I'm better off without you, F you, you F everything up, this is MY house, I OWN this house (as if I wasn't there along the process and made it our home)." I've proven to him I want us to be happy but it's never enough. He hates me.

He sleeps on the couch, doesn't touch me. In front of family/friends he's loving and calls me "babe" then when were alone he changes and says he never called me that. He says he's sick of our relationship and it kills me because I have tried my best to make things right with him. I have lost hope and don't know how to move forward.* I wish I never left.* I was in a weak place and understand the hurt being with another man would cause.

I don't think this treatment is fair, however. I want us to both grow from our past and be stronger together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, if you want to stay with him in that miserable relationship, then stay with him.

You know what you are signing up for and must actually like it, because every day you make the decision anew to remain in the relationship.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

The chance of him becoming mellow and forgiving of you is slim to none. He is too bitter from what you describe. He only treats you fairly and lovingly to save his reputation in front of family & friends.

If you have the stomach to be treated this way long term, then by all means stay. Otherwise, follow his instructions and GTFO.

Leave and find someone that loves and respects you, as you should him.

Love and respect is a two way street. He doesn't respect you at all now.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

MajesticCasual said:


> _I will try to keep this short._
> 
> I don't think this treatment is fair


He's broken. The was broke before. His mo is that pushed you into another man's arms, then blames you. Partially premeditated if I had to bet. He's miserable and wants you there too. The best thing you could do for him is remove yourself from his miserable world so he can perhaps find a way to heal. 

You, I suggest leave all this behind and begin a new life with your better knowledge. You don't need forgiveness, but only to yourself. Leave this sadness behind. Don't even think about it any more. Life is beautiful. Go live it.

Don't waste your time on him. He will lead you on just to torture you.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

MajesticCasual said:


> _I will try to keep this short._
> 
> I've been with my partner for 10 years (I'm 27, he's 31). All of our relationship he did things to hurt me. Ex: Left me for an ex, talked to women while I was pregnant, hid social media, lied, drank all night, etc. I forgave him each time. Long story short, I left him last summer for another man. Yes, it was very stupid but I fell for someone who made me feel special. My partner and I remained in contact as he was begging for me to return/promised me change. I returned. Things for _almost _a year are worse then they have ever been. He holds resentment (understandably) but we both made mistakes. I have apologized sincerely, cried to him, explained my reasoning, etc. Nothing gets through to him. Everyday he throws the past in my face. He says things like, "gtfo, I don't know why you came back, I'm better off without you, F you, you F everything up, this is MY house, I OWN this house (as if I wasn't there along the process and made it our home)." I've proven to him I want us to be happy but it's never enough. He hates me.
> 
> ...


There’s no recovery here. I think you’re in a potentially dangerous situation. There’s a lot of resentment and it’s building. I suggest you seek counseling and have an exit strategy. I think you both need a fresh start and need to pursue a healthy happy dynamic that’s gratifying and stable and learn to coparent your child. 
I wish you the best. Quit feeling guilty about your actions, he’s equally to blame.


MajesticCasual said:


> _I will try to keep this short._
> 
> I've been with my partner for 10 years (I'm 27, he's 31). All of our relationship he did things to hurt me. Ex: Left me for an ex, talked to women while I was pregnant, hid social media, lied, drank all night, etc. I forgave him each time. Long story short, I left him last summer for another man. Yes, it was very stupid but I fell for someone who made me feel special. My partner and I remained in contact as he was begging for me to return/promised me change. I returned. Things for _almost _a year are worse then they have ever been. He holds resentment (understandably) but we both made mistakes. I have apologized sincerely, cried to him, explained my reasoning, etc. Nothing gets through to him. Everyday he throws the past in my face. He says things like, "gtfo, I don't know why you came back, I'm better off without you, F you, you F everything up, this is MY house, I OWN this house (as if I wasn't there along the process and made it our home)." I've proven to him I want us to be happy but it's never enough. He hates me.
> 
> ...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MajesticCasual said:


> _I will try to keep this short._
> 
> I've been with my partner for 10 years (I'm 27, he's 31). All of our relationship he did things to hurt me. Ex: Left me for an ex, talked to women while I was pregnant, hid social media, lied, drank all night, etc. I forgave him each time. Long story short, I left him last summer for another man. Yes, it was very stupid but I fell for someone who made me feel special. My partner and I remained in contact as he was begging for me to return/promised me change. I returned. Things for _almost _a year are worse then they have ever been. He holds resentment (understandably) but we both made mistakes. I have apologized sincerely, cried to him, explained my reasoning, etc. Nothing gets through to him. Everyday he throws the past in my face. He says things like, "gtfo, I don't know why you came back, I'm better off without you, F you, you F everything up, this is MY house, I OWN this house (as if I wasn't there along the process and made it our home)." I've proven to him I want us to be happy but it's never enough. He hates me.
> 
> ...


Run, he is an abuser. You were right to leave the first time, though how you did it was not right. Abusers do not change and now he has you where he wants you he will up the ante and eventually discard you. RUN. He sounds like a narcissistic abuser. RUN RUN RUN!


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Well, if you want to stay with him in that miserable relationship, then stay with him.
> 
> You know what you are signing up for and must actually like it, because every day you make the decision anew to remain in the relationship.


I do not like it. I am used to it. Thanks for responding.


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

ah_sorandy said:


> The chance of him becoming mellow and forgiving of you is slim to none. He is too bitter from what you describe. He only treats you fairly and lovingly to save his reputation in front of family & friends.
> 
> If you have the stomach to be treated this way long term, then by all means stay. Otherwise, follow his instructions and GTFO.
> 
> ...


Absolutely. I am hopeful for change but needed to hear the validation. Thank you.


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

karmagoround said:


> He's broken. The was broke before. His mo is that pushed you into another man's arms, then blames you. Partially premeditated if I had to bet. He's miserable and wants you there too. The best thing you could do for him is remove yourself from his miserable world so he can perhaps find a way to heal.
> 
> You, I suggest leave all this behind and begin a new life with your better knowledge. You don't need forgiveness, but only to yourself. Leave this sadness behind. Don't even think about it any more. Life is beautiful. Go live it.
> 
> Don't waste your time on him. He will lead you on just to torture you.


I was hopeful there was a chance to work through this all but seems not. Thank you for replying.


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

Night Owl1 said:


> There’s no recovery here. I think you’re in a potentially dangerous situation. There’s a lot of resentment and it’s building. I suggest you seek counseling and have an exit strategy. I think you both need a fresh start and need to pursue a healthy happy dynamic that’s gratifying and stable and learn to coparent your child.
> I wish you the best. Quit feeling guilty about your actions, he’s equally to blame.


Ugh. I hate this but thank you. He is not dangerous but his back and forth is confusing. Since posting this, he's done a 180 and is loving.


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

aine said:


> Run, he is an abuser. You were right to leave the first time, though how you did it was not right. Abusers do not change and now he has you where he wants you he will up the ante and eventually discard you. RUN. He sounds like a narcissistic abuser. RUN RUN RUN!


Will he always be an "abuser"? Is there a chance he can change?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

MajesticCasual said:


> Will he always be an "abuser"? Is there a chance he can change?


No.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MajesticCasual said:


> Ugh. I hate this but thank you. He is not dangerous but his back and forth is confusing. Since posting this, he's done a 180 and is loving.


He appears loving. He is manipulating you. Has he apologized and explained exactly what he was doing and what was wrong with it? No? Then this is simply more manipulation. If he had come to you in tears of remorse and said that he had an epiphany, then explained how it came about and how he was going to change, then there might be a chance, but this is out of the blue. He's probably love bombing you because he can sense that you are done and he doesn't want to lose you again.
Not wanting to lose you doesn't mean he loves you. It means that he's afraid of losing whatever you are providing for him.
Do you contribute to the bills? Were you living together, with you contributing to the bills, when he bought the house? If so, him buying the house without including you is a way to manipulate and control you, because it isn't legally your house.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

MajesticCasual said:


> Will he always be an "abuser"? Is there a chance he can change?


Once an abuser, always an abuser. He might be able to hide it for periods at a time, but in the long run, it will always be there.

I'm sure you will unknowingly trigger him in the future, and he'll do a 180 and become nasty.

You deserve to be free of this abuse.

JMHO.


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> He appears loving. He is manipulating you. Has he apologized and explained exactly what he was doing and what was wrong with it? No? Then this is simply more manipulation. If he had come to you in tears of remorse and said that he had an epiphany, then explained how it came about and how he was going to change, then there might be a chance, but this is out of the blue. He's probably love bombing you because he can sense that you are done and he doesn't want to lose you again.
> Not wanting to lose you doesn't mean he loves you. It means that he's afraid of losing whatever you are providing for him.
> Do you contribute to the bills? Were you living together, with you contributing to the bills, when he bought the house? If so, him buying the house without including you is a way to manipulate and control you, because it isn't legally your house.


You've made a valid point. I'm afraid to lose everything we've worked for. I do not contribute to anything but groceries. I take care of the misc. like clothes, going out, my car, etc. I give him everything he wants though. Love wise.


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

ah_sorandy said:


> Once an abuser, always an abuser. He might be able to hide it for periods at a time, but in the long run, it will always be there.
> 
> I'm sure you will unknowingly trigger him in the future, and he'll do a 180 and become nasty.
> 
> ...


Thank you, it means a lot.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Regardless of the “label”, this relationship is toxic and unhealthy. The only way to move forward and heal is to leave him and go no contact. That means changing your cell number if you need to. That means blocking every path between you and him. Not easy, but not impossible if you want to live better.

Edit to add - you post that you wish you had never left. He’s not acting this way because you left, he’s acting this way because this is who he is. And now he’s punishing you for leaving. You will never be able to love him enough to change this. I hope you choose you and a better life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to leave this dysfunctional abusive relationship behind. It is toxic and will never be livable. Face reality and just get it over and done with and stop ALL contact with him. Take some time to maybe get in therapy and sort through why you think this is all you deserve and make some self-changes before picking another man.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to leave this dysfunctional abusive relationship behind. It is toxic and will never be livable. Face reality and just get it over and done with and stop ALL contact with him. Take some time to maybe get in therapy and sort through why you think this is all you deserve and make some self-changes before picking another man.


Yes! Please do not go find another man until you have left, closed up all legalities, and have had time to reflect and heal. Taking off with another man was a mistake, not only because it was morally wrong, but because it's so unhealthy for you. Find your value. It's not with this abusive man.


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Regardless of the “label”, this relationship is toxic and unhealthy. The only way to move forward and heal is to leave him and go no contact. That means changing your cell number if you need to. That means blocking every path between you and him. Not easy, but not impossible if you want to live better.
> 
> Edit to add - you post that you wish you had never left. He’s not acting this way because you left, he’s acting this way because this is who he is. And now he’s punishing you for leaving. You will never be able to love him enough to change this. I hope you choose you and a better life.


I cannot do that as we have a child together. But thank you so much. 🖤


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to leave this dysfunctional abusive relationship behind. It is toxic and will never be livable. Face reality and just get it over and done with and stop ALL contact with him. Take some time to maybe get in therapy and sort through why you think this is all you deserve and make some self-changes before picking another man.


Trust me. I don't want a man right now. I definitely want to go to therapy.


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## MajesticCasual (7 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Yes! Please do not go find another man until you have left, closed up all legalities, and have had time to reflect and heal. Taking off with another man was a mistake, not only because it was morally wrong, but because it's so unhealthy for you. Find your value. It's not with this abusive man.


Yes, I was stupid to do that and feel like an idiot for it. I would be moving with my parents and starting over, alone.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MajesticCasual said:


> I cannot do that as we have a child together. But thank you so much. 🖤


Okay, I see. You can have limited contact though which would mean only communicating about your child. I can only imagine how challenging coparenting with someone like this could be. I’m sorry you’re going through this unhappy time but you can leave him and make a better life, where you’re not treated so poorly. Good luck to you!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MajesticCasual said:


> Yes, I was stupid to do that and feel like an idiot for it. I would be moving with my parents and starting over, alone.


Once you totally cut him off and do not let him contact you at all yanking your chain and get some distance from it, you will have a healthier perspective and see how bad this has really been.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Okay. You can't block him since you have a child together, but you do not have to respond to anything that isn't directly child related. He's not your friend. He doesn't have your best interests at heart.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MajesticCasual said:


> Will he always be an "abuser"? Is there a chance he can change?


If he is a narcissistic abuser, it will never change, even with tons of therapy, they are eternally broken.. if you can get out, get out now.

I would suggest you educate yourself on narcissist abuse to see if he fits the bill. Knowledge is power. You can check out people like Kim Saeed and Melania Tonia Evans who write and produce videos online on this area.


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