# Has anyone???



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Just relinquished control to their spouse completely and tried their ideas completely for a month? Based on the things that my husband said today. I think I am willing to try that first before MC (I will still do IC in the meantime anyway I need it) and see if his methods work.... he has a very laid back approach to life in general. I am a planner, a doer, a solver, a thinker. He is a take em as they come type person, very easy going most of the time and just wants to have fun. God he mentioned that many times today. That's all we do on the weekends is have fun. He even resents that I have to make sure that chores get done first... so I was thinking.... 30 days of doing things totally his way, he leads things in the direction that he wants them to go and I do it with an open mind, open heart and have as much fun as I can in the process. At the end, see how much progress we have made and if we don't both agree we've made enough then go to MC.... For the record right now he is pretty much a stay at home Dad, he works a part time job in the evenings...but isn't gone late. So he has plenty of time to think about it, plan it do whatever, or wing it by the seat of his pants if that is what he wants to do. But I think it would be an eye opening experience for both of us. Plus, most of our relationship I have influenced the major decisions. To be honest, and if he wasn't in total agreement I eventually got him to agree with me. He has always followed me in my crazy dreams, helped me for years take care of my parents up until the evenings of their deaths.... was their for both births of our children, changed diapers, he is a good man... I'm thinking of telling him this when he gets home tonight. And it will be a good time because I start IC next week and so I will have an outlet to talk to (my anxiety in my own brain is my biggest problem) and my need to control things. It actually may be nice to relinquish control of the family and my marriage for a little while... I am so worried about my career right now and may be getting ready to go through a massive change with that.... talk about stress. 
Thoughts??????? I especially want to hear from my friends on here that have followed me since the beginning.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, honey. I love you, you know that.

I will support you whatever you do.

I think it's a crap idea that avoids all the major issues. But I will support you whatever you do.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

lol Lamaga, I'm only talking for one month.... and maybe he won't avoid the issues if he feels he is in control of things... instead up to this point is has been me bringing things up.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

And after the month is over he will happily cede control?

I'm with you, honey. But I can't let you jump into the pit without at least warning you about the big huge spikey things at the bottom.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I haven't followed your story but wanted to chime in and say I've done this in an attempt to fix my marriage. To coin one of my friends phrases it was my 'housedress' phase aka me trying to be submissive. I did it as a result of a bible study.

While it wasn't the cure all that I thought it would be I don't regret the experience. I actually learned a lot about myself and my husband during those monthS. Yes months as in more than one. I'm a reformed control freak and this was my first attempt at learning how to let go.

I agree with lamaga that by doing this I successfully avoided all the big issues however it was part of my process and one that I had to do in order to get to where I'm at today.

I get where you're coming from.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Just relinquished control to their spouse completely


no not completely. I have a hard time with doing something like that completely.. I would feel as if i were losing myself or giving up my identity if i did this. Hope it works out for you if you do decide to try it.. i can say.. you would be braver then i for doing so lol. I think it does take real guts and real trust in your SO to completely surrender... that and hope they don't take advantage of your vulnerability during this time...


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I don't think I worded that right....I mean fixing our marriage he wants to do it one way I another,so I am going to let him try his way first.....Gaia
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Mavash...what sorts of things did you learn? Being a control freak myself I am curious. I will not be giving up my identity I am still the main bread winner etc. I just feel like so many times he has done what I wanted this time I am going to give his idea a go and see how it works. But I will be in counseling at the same time which will help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I don't think I worded that right....I mean fixing our marriage he wants to do it one way I another,so I am going to let him try his way first.....Gaia
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ooh ok lol


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Have I done something like that? Yes and no. 

I once tried to, with someone I no longer much respect for, and it worked for all of about two days before I realized there was just no way in HELL I could tolerate his way because his ideas of how things should be violated some important values I had (like fidelity!) This had been a rebound relationship after my divorce, and it was a DISASTER! Worse still, the divorce happened in the same year that all of my daughters moved away - one to her dad's, one to college, and one to the Army. That marriage was something like you describe - I had plenty of influence and nearly always got my way on things. Plus, we made a LOT of money between the two of us.

Afterward, I was in a dark place for a while. I felt pretty powerless and alone for about a year. During that time, all my drive and motivation abandoned me. I was in a profound depression where I had a hard time finding ANYTHING to feel pleasure about. My children were off celebrating their new-found independence. I'd relocated to a new state at the height of the real estate market crash - which was my job at the time - and I didn't know anyone or even the area, so I was living off of savings. It was a mess. But I'm digressing... 

As I emerged and started finding purpose in my life again, I met some terrific people and I had kept in touch with my friends in my previous area. That alone and dark period completely changed my outlook on how much control I needed in my life. Turns out I don't need as much as I used to insist on. 

I met my husband who is a bit like yours, and because I have so much respect for him, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice when his inclinations are different from mine. It feels like togetherness and cooperation instead. What's more.... when I get my way these days, it's because my husband is eager to see me happy - not because he's trying to keep the peace. I can't begin to describe what a difference that makes.

Fun really is one of the most important kinds of "glue" that can keep a relationship close. Since you say your husband's a good guy and fun-seeking, you may be on the right track. You might discover that if the chores don't get done, it's really not that big of a deal. On the other hand, you might want some ground rules that ensure a minimum of standards is met - that bills will get paid on time, for instance - since things like that could cause *more* problems if they are neglected. 

Best wishes on your month-long (or forever) journey!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would still be handling the bills, he would be guiding our marriage the way he wants it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Mavash...what sorts of things did you learn?


Things I learned:

My husband has my back.
He's smarter than I give him credit for.
He wants whats best for US.
He makes better overall decisions than I do.
I don't know everything.
He's a grown man.
He will make mistakes and he will fix them.
He doesn't want/need my advice.

I could go on but you get the idea.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

With great power comes great responsibility. 

You know this and you're afraid he'll drop the ball on the responsibility part.

Don't say a thing. Just go with it. You need to have the faith in his capacity to be responsibility that will come from you allowing him to be responsible, and him being responsible. You'd diminish that if you say a word. He is asking to do this because he believes he can be responsible enough, and he wants to show you.

If he ****s up after the month is over, well - you guys need more help.

If you **** up and try to take control when it's his, apologize and say you were naughty. If he forgets that you're inviting him to step up you could ask him what he's going to do about it.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Willk .....got it. Thanks. I gave him the note last night since he doesn't want to talk....he hasn't said a word other than small talk and wanting to know why I couldn't sleep last night. He is gone off to work this morning but he should be back in a bit. Not sure if he took the note seriously or not. I do trust his judgement and for the month can give him the counseling money and see what he plans with it. That is if he does still want to save our marriage or sees a solution to our problems. I get the power and I'm actually looking forward to taking a side seat and letting him for once in our marriage make some tough decisions and feel the full impact of them. I will try very hard not to take over at all, and if I do will quickly apologize for being naughty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

we'd be completely broke & in 3 times worse debt than we are now... yes, even after only one month.

No thank you.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

OP, I tried this. It didn't work. lol After the time I gave him (I didn't last a month), the house was a shambles, the kids were off schedule, the pets were running amok, we had missed appointments, social engagements, family birthdays. And the finances. *shakes head in disgust* 

I decided that it was easier to continue to fight him on everything, and I continued to do that for about 10 years. lol

Now my husband is very much like me with regard to how we choose to spend our days, etc. Plus, we have the same career, and the kids are much older, so it's all easier.

Good luck, though. I'll eagerly await updates.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I'm not talking total control of our lives I'm talking making our marriage what he wants it to be and leading and directing that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh, ok, well I was married to a total Beta who didn't lead a damn thing. No way would he have even thought there was anything to be done. lol

In the end, when I left him, he moved in with his mom, then bought his own house, then got married, and then he and new wife AND his mom bought a new house together. He really has no idea how to lead anything. lol


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I'm not talking total control of our lives I'm talking making our marriage what he wants it to be and leading and directing that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had a thought earlier and wanted to make a distinction... Taking charge doesn't mean doing everything, and often when the woman has to take on alpha status she will complain that she has to do everything. It's appropriate for the man exerting his alpha charracteristics to direct the wife to do some of the tasks.

And when wives distrust their men to responsibly manage the work, that's when this authority gets challenged - and this is a way that men get driven out of having alpha characteristics. I find it happenning with myself, and it's especially difficult for us nice guys to challenge our wives appropriately because we wer trying so hard not to be mean to our wives, but the first way to respond that comes to mind is usually a bit mean.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Willk Right.....I apparently was misleading in my initial post because a lot of the responses centered around people saying it wasn't a good idea. We actually over the last year have shared more responsibility than ever with him being the primary stay home parent....do I agree with everything, no but I have learned to trust his methods and that he knows what he is doing but most of all he has our families best interests in heart. Finances we both agreed a long time ago it was better for me to manage however, he still can say whatever he wants and I do whatever I need to in the budget to keep him spoiled and happy, often before I get the things I want....today has been a good day. He apologized for implementing a method that was meant for other situations, and I told him I will spend the rest of my life making up for the early years when I didn't treat him the best sexually. He took me and the kids to the park on a him which is how he likes things and he has taken some time for himself too for some personal things. But I see your point. I try to not ever complain about my responsibilities and I do ask for help and will give him certain things that I don't have time for but important things, not the crap things, there is a difference. I saw the stuff my alpha dad asked for help with. But yes it doesn't mean he dictates our life. I want him to have a say in our marriage and he has a different viewpoint on how we should resolve things...that is what I am giving him the reins of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I'm not talking total control of our lives I'm talking making *our* marriage what *he* wants it to be and leading and directing that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, I don't know your backstory and all of the issues that you are dealing with in your marriage.

But this statement caught my eye...where you say making OUR marriage what HE wants it to be.

What exactly does that mean?

Since you state it's OUR marriage, it seems that YOU (both, plural, you and he) should be working toward making it what YOU (both, plural, you and he) want it to be TOGETHER ... not what one person unilaterally wants it to be.

Marriage is a state of duality, not a state of singularity.

Best wishes.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Ah yes, but up until this point with working through our issues it was mostly me leading the working and after our big blow up, and finally him telling me wth was going on with him (see update post) we both had very distinct ideas of how to proceed. Usually we wind up doing what I want, so this time I thought I would do what he wants to get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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