# Lost & Literally ready to commit myself



## Lostinthemiddle711 (Apr 29, 2021)

Hi Ladies - I am literally new here, but need some help before I have a mental breakdown. I am literally ready to commit myself!

I have been married to my husband since 2005, together since 03. I left him a yr and a half ago after feeling totally alone even though I wasn't. In doing so, my 6 grown children in the beginning literally ghosted me and I am only back to talking to 2 of them. Within this, I only see 3 of my 5 grandchildren now. When I left my husband, I met, very quickly, a man who has shown me nothing but love, support & unconditional love. I quickly moved in with him and sold my house. I filed bankruptcy as all the bills I was paying (even though my husband makes decent $), and all the bills & house were in my name. Now I should state that my BF had a severe crash 15 yrs ago, has major social anxieties and PTSD and does not work - and after 15 yrs, his ss court is finally happening in July. He had been working for a handicapped person a few days a week to make his ends meet. His house is almost paid off, but needs work and is very small. But since COVID, he can no longer work PT for that guy, so I have been paying all of the bills at his house (less the mortgage he has been pushing out as allowed with Covid times). My husband has also taken me for spousal support and I pay him $600 a month.

Now I moved back in with my husband last year and quickly freaked out that I was only doing it to get my kids and family back together, and went back to my BF. And now I have just did the same thing. I am 4 days into being at my husbands new house wondering if I made the right choice. I love both of these men in different ways. They both offer me things that make me happy and scared in different ways. My husband can take care of himself, but my BF has no family or friends close by and "I am his world" as he says. I lied to my BF telling him I was getting my own place to fight for my gkids that I haven't seen. He thinks it is temporary and I will return and see him until then when I can. I feel horrible I lied, I feel horrible my husbands hearing me question my decision again now with me and I don't know what I want. My job prevents me from just getting away to think by myself ( I am a mgr and alot going on to just take off). My bankruptcy (ch 11 still paying off) prevents me from having the credit to just find an apt or house to rent. My husband says if I go out on my own, he is not waiting as he has for 18 mths, and I understand.

So how the hell do I know how to start to finally decide if either or neither - how do I hurt a BF that has done no wrong (both me and my husband have hurt each other in the past) and especially when I worry about him being all alone. I can still pay his bills until his court but then I cannot get a place of my own, but between my own bills, his bills and spousal support, I cannot do anything for myself. He is in a great state of depression right now and I ck on him but it's killing me to see what I am doing and he has done nothing to deserve it. My husband has deserved my questioning (he has not cheated on met fyi) and says he realizes his past mistakes and has changed, but how do I believe or trust in it anymore.

I have all of my belongings at my husbands new house and dont know how I would afford to store them and move them if need be. I can either store my things or have $ for a place but no credit to do so. I can stay in a spare room my sister has if need be. Husband says he would want to be amicable this time, but I know him and he wouldn't, he only says that as he hopes I stay and try with him..I am so lost. Everyone says follow yr heart - if only I knew how, or even how to start.

Don't know if my bf just wants me cause I am all he has and his financial help atm, will my husband & I ever forgive the hurts and move on and is he just scared to be alone - and he has always been a $ man and I make almost 2xs what he does, so am I just a bank acct there too. How to I pull truth out of what either says and trust in it. 

Any and all advise would be greatly appreciated!!!! I am a strong woman and never been so indecisive in my 50 years!! Sorry this post is so over the place, but my mind feels like a volcano and I am truly scared what happens if I don't find a way soon.


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