# Do women marry their best sex partners?



## Justanormalguy

To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

I'm not a woman, but she did!

Well, if Brad Pitt or Channing Tatum were available it may be a different story 🙄🙄 but hey, I'd agree with her 😉😉.


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## Mr.Married

Did you marry the woman with the biggest boobs? If not, how do you view your wife?

I understand your question but I would say people marry for the composite and not a single characteristic.


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## Personal

Some do and some don't.


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## ReformedHubby

I have never really been able to wrap my head around "best ever" when it comes to sex. Best what? Best at oral? Best at woman on top? Best at being down for it whenever wherever? I guess to me...I don't really have a best ever. To me there is great sex, good sex, and regular sex. Even when I have been in a relationship with someone who rocks my world in bed...its not like they are like that every single time. To me at least the best sex ever is kind of subjective term. Most of us marry someone who is "good" in bed, and hopefully open minded enough to explore a bit with you, with that person you do have great sex, although sometimes it will be just good, or regular, but always satisfying. Hmmmm....am I making sense? Probably not :rofl: 

Anyways OP, if you have a happy healthy sexual relationship with your wife, just focus on that. Don't worry about being the biggest or the best etc. That stuff is bad for your mojo.


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## CharlieParker

The best sex is the next sex.


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## lucy999

Justanormalguy said:


> To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?


Freshly married (October 2018) but together for 7 years total. I love my husband beyond measure. He is a superlative father to his lovely 19 yo daughter, he is a kind man, he has a fantastic work ethic, we have the same political and religious views, and most important, he makes me laugh constantly.

But he is nowhere near the best sex I've ever had. The best sex I've ever had was with a man who is COMPLETELY opposite of everything I've listed above. We wouldn't last a week together, let alone 7 years. He wanted more, I said no way.

While there are times I am frustrated with our sex life, we have a very open dialogue about it and we have come a long way. I've found while great sex is paramount to a good relationship, it's not everything.

I'm very happy with my decision and life.


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## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> I have never really been able to wrap my head around "best ever" when it comes to sex. Best what? Best at oral? Best at woman on top? Best at being down for it whenever wherever? I guess to me...I don't really have a best ever. To me there is great sex, good sex, and regular sex. Even when I have been in a relationship with someone who rocks my world in bed...its not like they are like that every single time. To me at least the best sex ever is kind of subjective term. Most of us marry someone who is "good" in bed, and hopefully open minded enough to explore a bit with you, with that person you do have great sex, although sometimes it will be just good, or regular, but always satisfying. Hmmmm....am I making sense? Probably not :rofl:
> 
> Anyways OP, if you have a happy healthy sexual relationship with your wife, just focus on that. Don't worry about being the biggest or the best etc. That stuff is bad for your mojo.


Maybe this is different for men and women, but for me, there is definitely a difference between ok or good sex and great sex, and yes that always depends on my partner. Men are definitely not created equal lovers (not saying that women are either).

Also, with a partner who is compatible with me, it is great every time. There’s never just ok or good sex, it’s always great.

The best sex partners I’ve had were great for a combination of things, including our mutual attraction to each other, his skills, and our chemistry. So skills alone are not enough, attraction alone is not enough, and chemistry alone is not enough.

Yes I did marry the best sex partner I ever had, but after we divorced I’ve had 2 lovers who were very close. I have learned how to narrow them down by their sexual potential now long before we are taking any clothes off, so I don’t really worry about ending up in bed without fireworks anymore. I know my picker is good at this now. 

I don’t actually think I will ever have a lover as good as my ex again but a close runner up is still really great. 

I don’t know how to explain what makes the difference between good and great or the best. There is just a connection that flows all day every day and it culminates into frequent hot sex. There is a lot of passion, a lot of playing, a lot of rough housing and groping, a lot of intimacy, a lot of variety, a sincere interest in each other, mad lust for each other, an ever fresh crush on each other. There is openness and exploration, and also the familiar playbook, and you end up learning new things about yourself and your lover all the time. For me it’s not about the best or most O’s. It is about the high I feel when I’m doing it. Which lasts for hours and hours afterwards. If we have sex again within a day then my high just rolls forward with no break in it. 

Good or only ok sex doesn’t give me that high. It feels good as in pleasurable, it may feel loving and connected and intimate, but it will just be a nice break in the day like eating a cookie.

Great sex leaves me in an altered state of consciousness from which I never want to return.


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## ReformedHubby

Faithful Wife said:


> Maybe this is different for men and women, but for me, there is definitely a difference between ok or good sex and great sex, and yes that always depends on my partner. Men are definitely not created equal lovers (not saying that women are either).


I do think its different for men and women. But its all so subjective...I think I know what you are saying. Even half awake lazy Sunday morning sex is awesome with someone you have that connection with. Perhaps I am thinking of it too literally...its not about a specific act per se, or one super hot experience....but the whole package with a past or current lover. When looking at it through that lense...I can rank people easier.


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## uhtred

I"m in the camp of not being able to identify "best" partner or "best" sex. I agree with FW that some people are clearly worse.


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## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> I do think its different for men and women. But its all so subjective...I think I know what you are saying. Even half awake lazy Sunday morning sex is awesome with someone you have that connection with. Perhaps I am thinking of it too literally...its not about a specific act per se, or one super hot experience....but the whole package with a past or current lover. When looking at it through that lense...I can rank people easier.


Which ones make you feel high for hours after sex? That’s my basic test. If I hop out of bed and say “cool that was nice baby, thanks” that would mean it was only ok for me. If I literally can’t get my head back on straight and am giddy for a few hours and my head is in a cloud and I’m basically reliving the sex in my mind constantly, then it was great.


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## Faithful Wife

Afterglow is an important indicator for me. And how my partner feels during afterglow is important to me too.

My best sex ex was also the best at afterglow. He felt the same high I did after sex, and we would lay there for a long time just marveling at how awesome the sex was, how much we loved each other, how beautiful we thought each other was. He would actually be even more affected by the high than I was, as it shifted his personality even more than mine. He was a great guy always and always loved me but after sex he would be this incredible version of himself. He was able to express these deep and moving emotions. Or even just hearing him talk about some extremely sexual act we had just performed and how lovely it was, he would talk about it as if it was the hottest thing he had ever experienced and in each of those moments, it actually was. We would not be able to keep our hands off each other all day, and we would slip back into that state dreamily over and over. 

My next best partners were similar with the afterglow.

If I don’t feel like this after sex, it means it wasn’t great. But if I did feel a great afterglow after and he did not, then it would fall flat for me very quickly and I likely would not be able to feel it again. This hasn’t happened to me so I’m speculating.


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## ConanHub

Not a lady but I have a lot of experience with couples and insight into this one.

Many, not ready to say most, do not marry the person they had the most spectacular sex with.

It doesn't even occur to most as something to be considered in mate selection.

There are some pretty rough marriages out there where spectacular sex was a prime motivator and they later realized it was a bad foundation.

I would give an educated guess that there is a fairly small percentage of folks who are successfully married to their most amazing sex partner.

I know there are a far greater number of both men and women who married someone for a combination of many other traits and the sex was at least satisfying.

There are some truly unappealing candidates for matrimony who are simply sex gods.

The most amazing partner I ever had was dumber than a bag of hammers and her personality was worse than a pissed off badger to deal with.

She oozed sex appeal and could give a guy some serious trouble in his trousers just by moving and breathing. What you saw before the cloths came off was just a fraction of the reality when she got you in bed.

That was absolutely all she had going for her. The rest of her was all negative. When she had me in the throws of passion, I said all kinds of insane things about marriage and children. After the sexual tidal wave subsided however....... I couldn't get away fast enough.

I know a lot of women have experienced something similar.


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## Deejo

I'd like to know what prompted your question?


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## ConanHub

Justanormalguy said:


> To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?





Deejo said:


> I'd like to know what prompted your question?


How about helping us out here @Justanormalguy

I think this is an interesting subject but your input is vital to what can be done for you here.


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## Faithful Wife

The OP has another thread where he is worried that he can’t make his wife O, and she commented on fantasizing about a faceless stranger. I think he thinks she married him but still wants some other lover.


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## Deejo

Found your other thread. No Orgasm = Divorce

Reading that was helpful. Should you choose, let me know and I can combine the threads. But we will leave this one be for now.

I second the recommendation about sex therapy.

But I say that with a caveat. What I think YOU need to be able to think about, is whether or not you can reframe your point of view of what sex is 'supposed to be' versus what it actually is.

To answer your question, I know unequivocally, I am NOT the best sexual partner my wife has ever had. Doesn't bother me a whit. I don't know if this is a confidence thing, a frame of reference thing, or I'm just too old and tired to care thing ... but I think it's highly likely when my wife was about 25 years younger ... I suspect she was having a lot of great sex.

Second, my wife exclusively uses a vibe, that we purchased together, to get off. With her vibe, I've seen her go into spasm a half dozen times in under 10 minutes. If that were just me? I'd be lucky to get her off once in the same time, and I'd have lockjaw or arm cramps. I embrace technology in this regard ...

We both have some sexual 'issues' ... but they don't prevent us from being intimate. I think this is the question I would put to you. Do you have intimacy with your spouse when having sex, or are both just kind of going through the motions?

I suppose I would be curious to know if women who masturbate frequently, to heavily, are less responsive to the inferior speed, stamina, and physics of tongues, fingers, and penises. I dated another woman about 6 years ago who had never had an orgasm in her adult life ... but she enjoyed sex. Another prior to that who also had NEVER gotten off with PIV, and only could climax with a vibe. My point being I don't think your you and your wifes experience is uncommon.

The issue here is getting caught up in, and co-mingling your sense of sexual adequacy with your wifes sexual responsiveness. Again, I'll tell you, this is a bad idea.

Much like another poster here indicated, I can tell you flatly ... my wife is NOT the best sexual experience I've ever had. But she is the one I fell in love with, and chose to build a life with. The woman who I did have incredible sex with? That was pretty much our only compatibility point. 

If you otherwise have a great relationship with your spouse, then I would say it's highly likely you can work through this.

If you leave the issue unaddressed, and you continue to ruminate about whether or not she is thinking about someone else (another really toxic exercise on your behalf), you will continue to corrode your bond from within and make the overall relationship untenable.

Have you had an open and non-accusatory or eye-rolling conversations about the status of your sex life? 

What has she said to you?

What have you sadi to her?


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## notmyjamie

Not by a long shot. Didn't work out too well for me in my particular case but my case is a bit unusual.

But I still believe there is more to a relationship than sex. I think it's a big part and important, but there are 24 hours in a day and you can't fill them all with sex. There has to be other parts to your relationship or it will fall apart. What is important is that my partner want to be with me, care about my needs, and strive to improve things always. If that's not there, I'll just move on.


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## ReformedHubby

Faithful Wife said:


> Which ones make you feel high for hours after sex? That’s my basic test. If I hop out of bed and say “cool that was nice baby, thanks” that would mean it was only ok for me. If I literally can’t get my head back on straight and am giddy for a few hours and my head is in a cloud and I’m basically reliving the sex in my mind constantly, then it was great.


Gosh...I feel kind of like a neanderthal, I can't say that I have ever had afterglow last for hours, but I can say that I have seen my partners on a cloud afterwards for quite a while. I do get the reliving part though....if its good you literally can't wait to see them again, and focusing at work can even be hard....also if its good...just laying on the couch feeling all cozy and cuddly is awesome. The more I think about it, its probably more about chemistry than anything else. Maybe there are different levels to chemistry? I don't know....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Mr.Married said:


> Did you marry the woman with the biggest boobs? If not, how do you view your wife?
> 
> I understand your question but I would say people marry for the composite and not a single characteristic.


This is spot on in my book.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Deejo said:


> Found your other thread. No Orgasm = Divorce
> 
> Reading that was helpful. Should you choose, let me know and I can combine the threads. But we will leave this one be for now.
> 
> I second the recommendation about sex therapy.
> 
> But I say that with a caveat. What I think YOU need to be able to think about, is whether or not you can reframe your point of view of what sex is 'supposed to be' versus what it actually is.
> 
> To answer your question, I know unequivocally, I am NOT the best sexual partner my wife has ever had. Doesn't bother me a whit. I don't know if this is a confidence thing, a frame of reference thing, or I'm just too old and tired to care thing ... but I think it's highly likely when my wife was about 25 years younger ... I suspect she was having a lot of great sex.
> 
> Second, my wife exclusively uses a vibe, that we purchased together, to get off. With her vibe, I've seen her go into spasm a half dozen times in under 10 minutes. If that were just me? I'd be lucky to get her off once in the same time, and I'd have lockjaw or arm cramps. I embrace technology in this regard ...
> 
> We both have some sexual 'issues' ... but they don't prevent us from being intimate. I think this is the question I would put to you. Do you have intimacy with your spouse when having sex, or are both just kind of going through the motions?
> 
> I suppose I would be curious to know if women who masturbate frequently, to heavily, are less responsive to the inferior speed, stamina, and physics of tongues, fingers, and penises. I dated another woman about 6 years ago who had never had an orgasm in her adult life ... but she enjoyed sex. Another prior to that who also had NEVER gotten off with PIV, and only could climax with a vibe. My point being I don't think your you and your wifes experience is uncommon.
> 
> The issue here is getting caught up in, and co-mingling your sense of sexual adequacy with your wifes sexual responsiveness. Again, I'll tell you, this is a bad idea.
> 
> Much like another poster here indicated, I can tell you flatly ... my wife is NOT the best sexual experience I've ever had. But she is the one I fell in love with, and chose to build a life with. The woman who I did have incredible sex with? That was pretty much our only compatibility point.
> 
> If you otherwise have a great relationship with your spouse, then I would say it's highly likely you can work through this.
> 
> If you leave the issue unaddressed, and you continue to ruminate about whether or not she is thinking about someone else (another really toxic exercise on your behalf), you will continue to corrode your bond from within and make the overall relationship untenable.
> 
> Have you had an open and non-accusatory or eye-rolling conversations about the status of your sex life?
> 
> What has she said to you?
> 
> What have you sadi to her?


This is a great thread.

So far we have, sex, boobs, orgasms, masturbate, spasm, giddy, PIV, vibes, and eye rolls when talking to SO. I may have missed it, but didn't see the "p" word yet. Rhymes with "enis".

It may be time for a good eye roll though. 

PS happy belated 4th of July to all!

🙄🙄🙄😁😁😁


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## Faithful Wife

The question was not did you marry the best penis you’ve ever had, it was did you marry the best sex partner you ever had. Different answers for different questions.


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## arbitrator

*I was told by my RSXW that I was, but if that's truly the case, then how come she had two secret out-of-town paramours in the latter stages of our relationship?

I figure because she's a habitual liar!*


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## 269370

Justanormalguy said:


> To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?



Are you asking this from your wife’s perspective, because you feel insecure you might not be her first choice? Or that you don’t feel she is fully satisfied with you?

I think it’s normal to have some of those insecurities as long as they are not overwhelming your confidence; you try to be the best you can and make an effort if you have doubts. But you may have doubts for different reasons?

How bad is it? What makes you feel you may not be good enough for her?

I don’t think women marry for great sex primarily...Ok that could be taken out of context, I meant that ‘great sex’ comes maybe 10% from skill and 90% from love (typically, from a woman’s perspective): eg if your wife is over the hills with you, any intimate moments you spend together should be in the ‘great’ category. 
It’s quite rare for a woman to be able to differentiate between skill only, and her own subjective attraction/love towards her man. (How’s that for a mansplanation? )

A man is more likely to be able to have sex with someone they don’t particularly respect (I can’t, but many can) and then be able to say “she is dumb as a dumbbell but really skilled in bed” (as you can see from some replies).
It’s not so common for women...If they are smitten with someone, they will be transported to a different world even if the guy just waves his little finger at her...
It doesn’t mean that women don’t have sex for sex...Older, more sexually aware ones probably do. But it’s not typical. Guys that are ‘great at sex’ are typically great guys (for them) rather than great at what or how they do it...(provided they know the basics and are not abysmal).

Maybe zone in on your issue first: where’s this coming from? What does she do that makes you feel you might not be her first choice?



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## 269370

Ok I read that post from another thread about a faceless man...Is she young? Sometimes it helps to emotionally disassociate yourself form the person you have sex with, especially if she is having difficulties orgasming from PIV, which a lot of women seem to..

Maybe you should try and talk to her if she can help you work on your ‘technique’...Apart from difficulty reaching orgasm, does she actively not want to be intimate with you or are you still ‘regular’?
It could be just her own ‘blocks’ coupled with maybe you not being told what to do to make it more enjoyable for her...

Faceless guy: turn it around on her. Talk dirty to her about that faceless guy while you pleasure her....What does it matter who she thinks about? You are still the one ****ing her. It’s just a fantasy and many women have this and it turns them on for some weird reason ( I know the reason, but it’s too morbid...). It doesn’t necessarily mean she is thinking about your neighbour (who has a face).


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## ReformedHubby

InMyPrime said:


> I meant that ‘great sex’ comes maybe 10% from skill and 90% from love (typically, from a woman’s perspective): eg if your wife is over the hills with you, any intimate moments you spend together should be in the ‘great’ category.
> It’s quite rare for a woman to be able to differentiate between skill only, and her own subjective attraction/love towards her man. (How’s that for a mansplanation? )


After looking at the replies I must say I agree with it for the most part. A lot of the things the women in this thread describe as great sex are things that I associate with being in love but not necessarily sex. When thinking about it...I probably have different answers to the questions who was your best lover as opposed to who was your best sex...


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## wild jade

InMyPrime said:


> Ok that could be taken out of context, I meant that ‘great sex’ comes maybe 10% from skill and 90% from love (typically, from a woman’s perspective): eg if your wife is over the hills with you, any intimate moments you spend together should be in the ‘great’ category.


Er, no. Have to disagree with you on that point. A woman most certainly can tell the difference between "great guy" and "great sex". 

Some of it is technique, a lot of it is either knowing the person or being able to read the responses at the times. Technique happens in context.

I haven't read the other thread yet, but that she fantasizes to push herself over the edge doesn't necessarily mean that she wishes she had a better lover. It could be that she's just having trouble getting out of her head.


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## CharlieParker

My wife had a huge number of partners before me so statistics/numbers tell me I’m not going to be the absolute best. But as she likes to say she chose me. We jokingly ask each other, “it’s not just all about the sex, right?” Never really sure of the answer.


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## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> After looking at the replies I must say I agree with it for the most part. A lot of the things the women in this thread describe as great sex are things that I associate with being in love but not necessarily sex. When thinking about it...I probably have different answers to the questions who was your best lover as opposed to who was your best sex...


Hmmm. Well my answer is the same whether I’m in love with the guy or not. I’m in dreamy dream land for hours afterwards if the sex rocked my world whether I have deep feelings for him or not. 

And if I am in love with him but the sex is not awesome, then I will not feel dreamy at all. I’ll just feel like I ate a cookie and move on with my day.

So I don’t think love is the key. It’s still the awesome sex. 

However many new lovers experience NRE and feel they are in love just because the sex was awesome and/or it only seemed awesome because of the love cocktails involved. To some people great sex feels like being in love and they will mistake the two.

I’m pretty clear on the difference and can enjoy love with awesome sex or just fondness with awesome sex.

Of course if there is love and awesome sex that’s the best combo. But I don’t think women are only describing their best sex as in love sex on this thread necessarily. It still has to rock our worlds, love or not.

Women are different and I’m not speaking for the rest. Just those of us women who have had awesome sex in love and not in love.


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## Faithful Wife

CharlieParker said:


> My wife had a huge number of partners before me so statistics/numbers tell me I’m not going to be the absolute best. But as she likes to say she chose me. We jokingly ask each other, “it’s not just all about the sex, right?” Never really sure of the answer.


When I got together with the first boyfriend I had after divorce, we had excellent sex, just amazing. But there was still quite a bit more to my sex life with my exh which this new boyfriend would never match. He did however have so many fun and unique things, I never ever wished for anything else when I was with him. Did not pine for or fantasize about my exh. My bf and I had a groove on sooooo good.

One day we were talking about some excellent sex we just had and he said that what we had together (overall) was the best sex he’s ever had and he was amazed by it. I said I was amazed too and talked more about wonderful ways in which I was into it with him.

He gave me a humorous look and said “ah not going to say it’s the best though, eh”. He did not set me up, he did not say it to get me to say it back. I think he just said it spontaneously and did not have any expectation but once he said it he definitely noted my lack of reciprocation.

I looked at him and just said baby...shut up and don’t ruin the mood.

Then he tackled me and was saying “oh I get it, you can’t ever get it as good as when you took the football team home right? How can I compete with that?!” And he threw me on the bed and ravaged me.

He knew what we had was so incredible that he didn’t worry about whatever was better. I don’t think he could even imagine how it could have been better. But he never tried to one up or bring things like that up regularly. He was very secure in how good what we had was. We were dreamy dream land most of the time we were together.

Before anyone asks...the football story is his way of teasing. Not a true story. Part of why he was so fun! He could make me feel like he WAS the entire football team.


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## 269370

wild jade said:


> Er, no. Have to disagree with you on that point. A woman most certainly can tell the difference between "great guy" and "great sex".



Yes but the point is that you wouldn’t choose great sex over a great guy, if everything else was equal.
Say there are two guys: one of them knows some amazing tantric bull**** techniques but you don’t love him. There’s another guy that you are so in love with, that you have butterflies in your bellybutton every time you think about him. He is good in bed but not as amazing as this tantric god.
Don’t tell me you are going for guy no 1! Because I would bet my house that most women wouldn’t. (Although some women might).

Moreover I still contend that the judgement itself will be clouded, depending on whether you love the guy or not. You will naturally rate someone you love higher and won’t be able to be completely objective. 

Also people can learn and improve!

Unless someone is a complete dud in bed, which is surely rare. Monkeys know how to ****.
Cant be that hard.

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## Andy1001

InMyPrime said:


> Yes but the point is that you wouldn’t choose great sex over a great guy, if everything else was equal.
> Say there are two guys: one of them knows some amazing tantric bull**** techniques but you don’t love him. There’s another guy that you are so in love with, that you have butterflies in your bellybutton every time you think about him. He is good in bed but not as amazing as this tantric god.
> Don’t tell me you are going for guy no 1! Because I would bet my house that most women wouldn’t. (Although some women might).
> 
> Moreover I still contend that the judgement itself will be clouded, depending on whether you love the guy or not. You will naturally rate someone you love higher and won’t be able to be completely objective.
> 
> Also people can learn and improve!
> 
> Unless someone is a complete dud in bed, which is surely rare. Monkeys know how to ****.
> Cant be that hard.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You usually are joking but I believe that you’re being serious here. 
When I was younger I had a girlfriend in New York who was Japanese. In fact I should say she wasn’t a girlfriend at all, more of a **** buddy. I was traveling constantly and when I was home I would text her and sometimes she answered and sometimes she didn’t. 
Sex wise she is the best I’ve ever had. 
I never took her out to dinner, never went to the movies or a gig in fact other than once going to a fancy dress party we never went out. All we did was have sex. Unbelievable sex. 
One Sunday night I was leaving her apartment and she said “this is goodbye Andy,I’m going home tomorrow”. I asked her why and she said she was getting married. 
I wasn’t in any way emotionally attached to her but I missed the sex. Her husband is a lucky man. 
My wife told me once if I tell her the name of the woman who taught me a particular technique that she would send her flowers. 
Her name is Ena.


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## alte Dame

It's been 36+ years for me with the same man. The sex with him has always been the best because I am in love with him. The chemistry always made it better than with anyone else. I think many women are like me.


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## 269370

Andy1001 said:


> You usually are joking but I believe that you’re being serious here.
> 
> When I was younger I had a girlfriend in New York who was Japanese. In fact I should say she wasn’t a girlfriend at all, more of a **** buddy. I was traveling constantly and when I was home I would text her and sometimes she answered and sometimes she didn’t.
> 
> Sex wise she is the best I’ve ever had.
> 
> I never took her out to dinner, never went to the movies or a gig in fact other than once going to a fancy dress party we never went out. All we did was have sex. Unbelievable sex.
> 
> One Sunday night I was leaving her apartment and she said “this is goodbye Andy,I’m going home tomorrow”. I asked her why and she said she was getting married.
> 
> I wasn’t in any way emotionally attached to her but I missed the sex. Her husband is a lucky man.
> 
> My wife told me once if I tell her the name of the woman who taught me a particular technique that she would send her flowers.
> 
> Her name is Ena.



Yes, the Japanese are quite unusual. The sex can be so out of this world that it has to be blurred out in crucial places 



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## Blondilocks

CharlieParker said:


> My wife had a huge number of partners before me so statistics/numbers tell me I’m not going to be the absolute best. But as she likes to say she chose me. We jokingly ask each other, “it’s not just all about the sex, right?” Never really sure of the answer.


Maybe she chose you because you were a virgin and would have no mental comparisons.


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## CharlieParker

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe she chose you because you were a virgin and would have no mental comparisons.


LOL, no. She didn’t know that, and wouldn’t have given me the time of day if she did.


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## wild jade

InMyPrime said:


> Yes but the point is that you wouldn’t choose great sex over a great guy, if everything else was equal.
> Say there are two guys: one of them knows some amazing tantric bull**** techniques but you don’t love him. There’s another guy that you are so in love with, that you have butterflies in your bellybutton every time you think about him. He is good in bed but not as amazing as this tantric god.
> Don’t tell me you are going for guy no 1! Because I would bet my house that most women wouldn’t. (Although some women might).


My point was only that women absolutely can tell the difference between great sex and a great guy. And that while she may cut great guy some slack for not so great sex, she's still going to know the difference.

She may even choose to marry great guy over great sex guy because it's more important to her to have a great life rather than just lots of great sex. But she will still know the difference. 

And so my advice would be to not rest on the confidence that women will just rate you high and cut you lots of slack because they love you ... but to work on actually developing skills so that great guy can also be great sex guy.


----------



## 269370

wild jade said:


> And so my advice would be to not rest on the confidence that women will just rate you high and cut you lots of slack because they love you ... but to work on actually developing skills so that great guy can also be great sex guy.



Yes of course, that I’m in agreement with.
I think it’s also important to understand what ‘great sex’ means. My feeling is that for a lot of women, ‘great sex’ starts out side the bedroom, sometimes way outside...It’s how you conduct yourself, how you behave or pay attention to your spouse, how much you touch each other (not groping, touching), how charming you are...It spills out into personality rather than technique that’s why the line is very blurry between ‘great guy’ versus ‘great technique’.
In other words great sex is not just about the correct thrusting and tongue techniques but also everything around it.

I don’t think guys care about it all that much when they discuss if she was good or bad in bed...



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## Tiggy!

I didn't marry my best sex partner. I don't know how that would affect my view of my husband.


----------



## Tiggy!

Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmm. Well my answer is the same whether I’m in love with the guy or not. I’m in dreamy dream land for hours afterwards if the sex rocked my world whether I have deep feelings for him or not.
> 
> And if I am in love with him but the sex is not awesome, then I will not feel dreamy at all. I’ll just feel like I ate a cookie and move on with my day.
> 
> So I don’t think love is the key. It’s still the awesome sex.


For me it's down to my sexual attraction to the guy and type of orgasm if I have that high feeling or not, not my emotional connection (sex with a more emotional attachment can feel great, but it is very different imo).


----------



## TJW

wild jade said:


> She may even choose to marry great guy over great sex guy because it's more important to her to have a great life rather than just lots of great sex. But she will still know the difference.


Yes, she does, and so do I..... 



wild jade said:


> work on actually developing skills so that great guy can also be great sex guy.


...well, let's see..... at the rate of one practice session every 8-12 months, I might become "great sex guy" by the time I'm 150....


----------



## ReformedHubby

Tiggy! said:


> For me it's down to my sexual attraction to the guy and *type of orgasm*



I don't know what its like to have sex in the body of a woman...but it sure seems like us guys got the short end of the stick on the whole orgasm thing. Women can reach a dang near spiritual out of body experience it seems...while for us it just feels really really good. So not fair!!!!


----------



## ConanHub

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't know what its like to have sex in the body of a woman...but it sure seems like us guys got the short end of the stick on the whole orgasm thing. Women can reach a dang near spiritual out of body experience it seems...while for us it just feels really really good. So not fair!!!!


Speak for yourself lad!:wink2:


----------



## Betrayedone

My xw, who was part Japanese..........obviously failed her Japanese lessons! I got gipped!


----------



## TJW

Tiggy! said:


> I didn't marry my best sex partner. I don't know how that would affect my view of my husband.


Did it, or has it, affected your husband's view of himself ??


----------



## Faithful Wife

ReformedHubby said:


> Tiggy! said:
> 
> 
> 
> For me it's down to my sexual attraction to the guy and *type of orgasm*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know what its like to have sex in the body of a woman...but it sure seems like us guys got the short end of the stick on the whole orgasm thing. Women can reach a dang near spiritual out of body experience it seems...while for us it just feels really really good. So not fair!!!!
Click to expand...

You can reach it too. You have to be willing to let yourself go there. I can get there with or without O’s. It comes from my willingness and ability to get those deeper spiritual type feelings. The feelings are always available but a good romp can set them free very easily and adds its own dimension.

I want to say the use of the word intimacy works here, because without a certain level of intimacy I don’t think I could get to the high spiritual type sex.

But a lot of people equate intimacy with love and much deeper emotions whereas I do not. I do have to feel fondness and respect, but good chemistry can make me quickly able to become more and more intimate with a lover. If the lover can’t do that as well, it falls a little flat and I will never be able to hit those highs with them.

OTOH, I have had a lover who was adept at intimacy much more than skilled, and in that case I could still get pretty high. However the person I’m thinking of also had a body so hot I could not stop being turned on for even a moment while I was around him. So it’s not like this would have been such a high for me if he didn’t look like that. The combo of how hot he was and his ability to just get very deep and intimate gave me enough so that the skill became temporarily less important.

That one didn’t last though, because I want the skills too.


----------



## Tiggy!

Faithful Wife said:


> Y*ou can reach it too. You have to be willing to let yourself go there. I can get there with or without O’s. It comes from my willingness and ability to get those deeper spiritual type feelings. The feelings are always available but a good romp can set them free very easily and adds its own dimension.*
> 
> I want to say the use of the word intimacy works here, because without a certain level of intimacy I don’t think I could get to the high spiritual type sex.
> 
> But a lot of people equate intimacy with love and much deeper emotions whereas I do not. I do have to feel fondness and respect, but good chemistry can make me quickly able to become more and more intimate with a lover. If the lover can’t do that as well, it falls a little flat and I will never be able to hit those highs with them.
> 
> OTOH, I have had a lover who was adept at intimacy much more than skilled, and in that case I could still get pretty high. However the person I’m thinking of also had a body so hot I could not stop being turned on for even a moment while I was around him. So it’s not like this would have been such a high for me if he didn’t look like that. The combo of how hot he was and his ability to just get very deep and intimate gave me enough so that the skill became temporarily less important.
> 
> That one didn’t last though, because I want the skills too.



Personally most of it's from orgasms, however without the sexual attraction and skills (plus other external factors) I wouldn't achieve those type of orgasms.
I think it's amazing how much it varies from person to person.


----------



## Tiggy!

TJW said:


> Did it, or has it, affected your husband's view of himself ??



Doesn't seemed to have, it's not something we've really discussed in detail.


----------



## dadstartingover

lucy999 said:


> Freshly married (October 2018) but together for 7 years total. I love my husband beyond measure. He is a superlative father to his lovely 19 yo daughter, he is a kind man, he has a fantastic work ethic, we have the same political and religious views, and most important, he makes me laugh constantly.
> 
> But he is nowhere near the best sex I've ever had. The best sex I've ever had was with a man who is COMPLETELY opposite of everything I've listed above. We wouldn't last a week together, let alone 7 years. He wanted more, I said no way.
> 
> While there are times I am frustrated with our sex life, we have a very open dialogue about it and we have come a long way. I've found while great sex is paramount to a good relationship, it's not everything.
> 
> I'm very happy with my decision and life.


From MY experience, this seems to be the norm for sexually experienced women. They recognize that their brief experience with hot Mimbo that one summer years ago was the most passionate and erotic time of their life, but they also recognize that they would never marry a man like that in a million years. It's what I often refer to as the Lover vs. Provider dynamic. 

There's zero wrong with that... but I will tell women that you should NEVER tell your current hubs that he is seen as more of a Provider and that Biff the lifeguard from back in 1998 was the best Lover ever. Husbands always think that they're the super Lover extraordinaire and that his perfect wife would never think otherwise. That's why guys who find dirty pictures online or the video of his wife doing crazy things with other men (things she always said were "gross" to her) are so devastated. Every dude wants to be THE Lover.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Tiggy! said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Y*ou can reach it too. You have to be willing to let yourself go there. I can get there with or without O’s. It comes from my willingness and ability to get those deeper spiritual type feelings. The feelings are always available but a good romp can set them free very easily and adds its own dimension.*
> 
> I want to say the use of the word intimacy works here, because without a certain level of intimacy I don’t think I could get to the high spiritual type sex.
> 
> But a lot of people equate intimacy with love and much deeper emotions whereas I do not. I do have to feel fondness and respect, but good chemistry can make me quickly able to become more and more intimate with a lover. If the lover can’t do that as well, it falls a little flat and I will never be able to hit those highs with them.
> 
> OTOH, I have had a lover who was adept at intimacy much more than skilled, and in that case I could still get pretty high. However the person I’m thinking of also had a body so hot I could not stop being turned on for even a moment while I was around him. So it’s not like this would have been such a high for me if he didn’t look like that. The combo of how hot he was and his ability to just get very deep and intimate gave me enough so that the skill became temporarily less important.
> 
> That one didn’t last though, because I want the skills too.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Personally most of it's from orgasms, however without the sexual attraction and skills (plus other external factors) I wouldn't achieve those type of orgasms.
> I think it's amazing how much it varies from person to person.
Click to expand...

At some point I learned how to just let go of myself and feel that same high the whole time during sex (and after). The O’s come along but they are not the cause of it anymore. 

I can’t reach that state through masturbation or with a partner who isn’t super attractive to me or if he’s lacking other skills.


----------



## notmyjamie

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't know what its like to have sex in the body of a woman...but it sure seems like us guys got the short end of the stick on the whole orgasm thing. Women can reach a dang near spiritual out of body experience it seems...while for us it just feels really really good. So not fair!!!!


I was watching one of those "switched bodies" type comedies the other night. I was asked what's the first thing I'd do if I woke up in the body of a man and my answer was "have an orgasm" just so I'd finally know how it feels for a guy. 

My theory is that men seem to want them more because theirs aren't as strong so they don't tide him over as much as a woman's tides her over. :grin2:


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## TJW

dadstartingover said:


> you should NEVER tell your current hubs that he is seen as more of a Provider and that Biff the lifeguard from back in 1998 was the best Lover ever


Don't worry. He'll know. He won't know the name or the date, but he will fully, completely, comprehend the "lover vs. provider" dynamic which causes him to be "plan B". It will come through in your actions and attitudes.


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## lucy999

dadstartingover said:


> From MY experience, this seems to be the norm for sexually experienced women. They recognize that their brief experience with hot Mimbo that one summer years ago was the most passionate and erotic time of their life, but they also recognize that they would never marry a man like that in a million years. It's what I often refer to as the Lover vs. Provider dynamic.
> 
> There's zero wrong with that... but I will tell women that you should NEVER tell your current hubs that he is seen as more of a Provider and that Biff the lifeguard from back in 1998 was the best Lover ever. Husbands always think that they're the super Lover extraordinaire and that his perfect wife would never think otherwise. That's why guys who find dirty pictures online or the video of his wife doing crazy things with other men (things she always said were "gross" to her) are so devastated. Every dude wants to be THE Lover.


I see it, too. Especially when I was younger. I'm 51. My husband is 45.

But I will say that's not the case with me because he is not my provider-we both have jobs (neither of us are high earners) and we do a straight 50/50 towards bills and expenses. And, I'm GGG in bed-very much so.:smile2:


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## 269370

Tiggy! said:


> I didn't marry my best sex partner. I don't know how that would affect my view of my husband.



Why not?


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## 269370

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't know what its like to have sex in the body of a woman...but it sure seems like us guys got the short end of the stick on the whole orgasm thing. Women can reach a dang near spiritual out of body experience it seems...while for us it just feels really really good. So not fair!!!!



Yes. They also get different types of orgasms, according to my wife, depending where the stimulation takes place.
On the other hand we don’t need to give birth so that must count for something...


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## 269370

Tiggy! said:


> Personally most of it's from orgasms, however without the sexual attraction and skills (plus other external factors) I wouldn't achieve those type of orgasms.
> 
> I think it's amazing how much it varies from person to person.



I wondered if not reaching an orgasm in reality matters to women? 

I always say that the journey is more important than destination but mostly because it seems like it’s the right thing to say....especially to a person that has difficulties reaching a climax to begin with...

I know that many women don’t seem to climax easily from PIV or to climax easily full stop.

I have a feeling women that don’t have that problem, in fact would be disappointed not reaching a climax. I know my wife would. It wouldn’t be bad for her, but if the situations were identical during a sex session, then reaching the climax versus not reaching the climax,- it’s quite obvious that the first outcome would be MUCH more preferable.

Maybe I will ask her this on a separate thread...


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## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> I was watching one of those "switched bodies" type comedies the other night. I was asked what's the first thing I'd do if I woke up in the body of a man and my answer was "have an orgasm" just so I'd finally know how it feels for a guy.
> 
> 
> 
> My theory is that men seem to want them more because theirs aren't as strong so they don't tide him over as much as a woman's tides her over. :grin2:



Really? But then why is it women that can have multiple ones and not men?

I’m not sure it’s the case (that they aren’t as strong). I can say male orgasm is shorter (for me anyway). I never timed it myself and would need some assistance with this....) wife’s lasts about twice as long as mine. Mine is a strong but quick burst which is more localised (talking about the feeling) with a very steep drop off while hers dissipates slower and is more spread out throughout her body.
I feel half conscious afterwards while wife is energised and wants to clean the house etc....

There are obviously some key differences. Not sure what those differences are for though...There must be reasons.

I read somewhere that the (evolutional) reason a female moans loudly during orgasm is so that she can attract other strong males in the vicinity. It would certainly explain the mechanism for multiple O’s....

And the reason a man becomes half disabled after an orgasm and his long(er) refractory period is so that other males get a chance to impregnate her.

Maybe be it’s non sense but it’s interesting.



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## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> My theory is that men seem to want them more because theirs aren't as strong so they don't tide him over as much as a woman's tides her over. :grin2:



I know I will get shot for this but....my theory is that most men have orgasms because they NEED them. Most women have orgasms because they WANT them.



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## Tiggy!

InMyPrime said:


> Why not?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Didn't love him (wasn't even really in a proper relationship with him).


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## 269370

Tiggy! said:


> Didn't love him (wasn't even really in a proper relationship with him).



Yet you found sex with him great and better than with husband? Interesting. You must be that exception that I can’t wrap my head around...
What exactly made the sex amazing with that guy? (Just curious. Not in a pervy way.)
And what qualities made you fall in love with your husband? Don’t worry, if too personal. 

I’m just wondering if in some cases women do chose partners in a more ‘pragmatic’ way: like for example, which one will make a stable, dependant provider, versus some tantric stud.

I’m also the exception in that I don’t think I could have great sex with someone I didn’t love. Maybe if we switched the sexes then everything would be back in correct order 


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## TJW

InMyPrime said:


> I’m just wondering if in some cases women do chose partners in a more ‘pragmatic’ way: like for example, which one will make a stable, dependant provider, versus some tantric stud.


Yes, that's the reason it's easy for us "beta" types to find a fiancee... but not a score.....

And, often, we wind up in sexless (or,, essentially so) marriages with wives who have no desire for us, other than the stability and dependability.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

InMyPrime said:


> I’m also the exception in that I don’t think I could have great sex with someone I didn’t live.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Consider me a fellow exception.

If there's no connection between the quality of the relationship and the quality of the sex, it reduces sex to a simply mechanical transaction.


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## 269370

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Consider me a fellow exception.
> 
> 
> 
> If there's no connection between the quality of the relationship and the quality of the sex, it reduces sex to a simply mechanical transaction.



Yet a lot of people seem to do it and enjoy it. I don’t want to look at it in a judgemental way because everyone is different, but wonder if it’s sometimes to do with having been very hurt emotionally in some way before, when you learn to separate great sex, from great love. Or maybe not.


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## VibrantWings

My best ever sexual partner was not someone I would ever marry. So that must be a no..


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

InMyPrime said:


> Yet a lot of people seem to do it and enjoy it. I don’t want to look at it in a judgemental way because everyone is different, but wonder if it’s sometimes to do with having been very hurt emotionally in some way before, when you learn to separate great sex, from great love. Or maybe not.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I didn't mean to imply judgment. Different things work for different folks. As long as there's no deliberate deception involved, no reason to complain.


----------



## notmyjamie

InMyPrime said:


> Really? But then why is it women that can have multiple ones and not men?
> 
> I’m not sure it’s the case (that they aren’t as strong). I can say male orgasm is shorter (for me anyway). I never timed it myself and would need some assistance with this....) wife’s lasts about twice as long as mine. Mine is a strong but quick burst which is more localised (talking about the feeling) with a very steep drop off while hers dissipates slower and is more spread out throughout her body.
> I feel half conscious afterwards while wife is energised and wants to clean the house etc....
> 
> There are obviously some key differences. Not sure what those differences are for though...There must be reasons.
> 
> I read somewhere that the (evolutional) reason a female moans loudly during orgasm is so that she can attract other strong males in the vicinity. It would certainly explain the mechanism for multiple O’s....
> 
> And the reason a man becomes half disabled after an orgasm and his long(er) refractory period is so that other males get a chance to impregnate her.
> 
> Maybe be it’s non sense but it’s interesting.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree, it is definitely interesting. I can tell you that an orgasm helps to draw the sperm up into the uterus and then into the Fallopian tubes. So, multiple orgasms help with conception. The more she has, the better the chance for conception. 

My sample size is limited obviously, but mine have always lasted at least 4 times longer than any man I've been with, sometimes longer. And while I have energy after sex, it's not right away. If a murderer broke in right after I had one, I wouldn't even be able to get up and run away. I've read that the hormones women emit after an orgasm wake her up while a man's hormones are designed to put him to sleep. I have no idea if that is accurate or not or why nature would design things that way.



InMyPrime said:


> I know I will get shot for this but....my theory is that most men have orgasms because they NEED them. Most women have orgasms because they WANT them.


I think men need them more often, hence my theory. But there have been times when I need one. There have been times when I just want one. Hell, there have been times when I have no interest in one. Just depends on how long since I've had one and what's going on in my life at the time.




InMyPrime said:


> I’m just wondering if in some cases women do chose partners in a more ‘pragmatic’ way: like for example, which one will make a stable, dependant provider, versus some tantric stud.


My grandmother gave up the love of her life to marry a man who was more stable and could be a better provider. It was well known in the family. She pined for that guy for the rest of her life. When she told my mother and aunt about sex, she told them it was a women's duty but a most horrible thing to have to do. Makes me sad for her...maybe if she'd married the guy she truly loved she would have enjoyed it more. When my aunt, who was in love with her husband, came home from her honeymoon saying she really enjoyed it, my grandmother was incredulous. "How could you possibly like that????"


----------



## Mr.Married

My wife's great aunt wrote a book about her true love after her husband died!!!

And to clarify....it wasn't him!


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

notmyjamie said:


> My grandmother gave up the love of her life to marry a man who was more stable and could be a better provider. It was well known in the family. She pined for that guy for the rest of her life. When she told my mother and aunt about sex, she told them it was a women's duty but a most horrible thing to have to do. *Makes me sad for her..*.maybe if she'd married the guy she truly loved she would have enjoyed it more. When my aunt, who was in love with her husband, came home from her honeymoon saying she really enjoyed it, my grandmother was incredulous. "How could you possibly like that????"


Why be sad for her? She made her bed, so she gets to sleep in it. She got what she deserved, probably better than she deserved. If you want to be sad for anyone, be sad for the husband.


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## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> My grandmother gave up the love of her life to marry a man who was more stable and could be a better provider. It was well known in the family. She pined for that guy for the rest of her life. When she told my mother and aunt about sex, she told them it was a women's duty but a most horrible thing to have to do. Makes me sad for her...maybe if she'd married the guy she truly loved she would have enjoyed it more. When my aunt, who was in love with her husband, came home from her honeymoon saying she really enjoyed it, my grandmother was incredulous. "How could you possibly like that????"


No one really knows whether it would have turned out better for her if she did marry the love of her life. That's a very nice but over-romanticised notion but maybe deep down she knew it wasn't good for her...Chocolate cake is nice to have but maybe too much of it will cause a heart attack too prematurely....As they say, 5 minutes on the lips is a lifetime on the hips...You can't have your cake and eat it...
One woman's fish is another woman's poisson....
Not sure where I was going with this


----------



## notmyjamie

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Why be sad for her? She made her bed, so she gets to sleep in it. She got what she deserved, probably better than she deserved. If you want to be sad for anyone, be sad for the husband.


That's true, I'm sad for him too. I don't tend to talk about him though because he died before I was born. I never met him. But, I can be sad for her too...we all make bad choices in life. I can be sad that she made one and was miserable for it. I understand why she made it...she grew up very poor. 10 children in a one room thatched roof cottage type of poor. I get that...she never wanted to be poor again. And she wasn't...she had a nice house and raised her children comfortably. But, she was depressed for most of her life. And that's sad, even if her poor choice brought on some of her misery. I knew her and loved her so I have compassion for her. I do feel badly for him too though, absolutely. It couldn't have been that great of a sex life for him either.


----------



## notmyjamie

InMyPrime said:


> No one really knows whether it would have turned out better for her if she did marry the love of her life. That's a very nice but over-romanticised notion but maybe deep down she knew it wasn't good for her...Chocolate cake is nice to have but maybe too much of it will cause a heart attack too prematurely....As they say, 5 minutes on the lips is a lifetime on the hips...You can't have your cake and eat it...
> One woman's fish is another woman's poisson....
> Not sure where I was going with this


Well, I said maybe. LOL But I don't really equate marrying for love with having your cake and eating it too. Whatever else is going on, a person should marry for love, not money. Marrying for money just doesn't seem like it would ever be a true marriage. I'd be devastated to learn someone married me for my money and not for love.

I think that's the first time anyone has ever accused me having a romantic notion. Wow. :grin2:


----------



## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> Well, I said maybe. LOL But I don't really equate marrying for love with having your cake and eating it too. Whatever else is going on, a person should marry for love, not money. Marrying for money just doesn't seem like it would ever be a true marriage. I'd be devastated to learn someone married me for my money and not for love.
> 
> I think that's the first time anyone has ever accused me having a romantic notion. Wow. :grin2:


Haha, no, I meant maybe your grandmother was over-romanticising the 'love of her life' situation (or is it called 'buyer's remorse? When you get something quite nice but then still complain about it or even regret it...). To be fair, I don't know the situation so don't pay any attention to what I say... You should definitely not marry for money....But you can also be madly in love with someone and then find out that you are not actually all that compatible once you start living together. Then all the warts start coming out...I have seen this happen with a number of people getting disillusioned...I mean you can also marry for love AND someone who is not a bum (not that he was a bum but from your comment I guess material situation was taken into the equation somehow?).


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## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> That's true, I'm sad for him too. I don't tend to talk about him though because he died before I was born. I never met him. But, I can be sad for her too...we all make bad choices in life. I can be sad that she made one and was miserable for it. I understand why she made it...she grew up very poor. 10 children in a one room thatched roof cottage type of poor. I get that...she never wanted to be poor again. And she wasn't...she had a nice house and raised her children comfortably. But, she was depressed for most of her life. And that's sad, even if her poor choice brought on some of her misery. I knew her and loved her so I have compassion for her. I do feel badly for him too though, absolutely. It couldn't have been that great of a sex life for him either.


Yeah you see if she married the other guy, maybe she wouldn't have been able to have all the kids and grand kids, and I wouldn't be writing dumb replies about something I know nothing about 
Some people fret forever over something they cannot have, other people try to make the best out of a given situation and come to terms with their choices. It's all in the mind.
Having said that, I fret and worry about things all the time too...though not about choice of wives (those, i am pretty satisfied with. All 8 of them lol).


----------



## StillSearching

Justanormalguy said:


> To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?


Read "The Rational Male" it will answer all your questions about relationships and help you focus on yourself.


----------



## notmyjamie

InMyPrime said:


> Haha, no, I meant maybe your grandmother was over-romanticising the 'love of her life' situation (or is it called 'buyer's remorse? When you get something quite nice but then still complain about it or even regret it...). To be fair, I don't know the situation so don't pay any attention to what I say... You should definitely not marry for money....But you can also be madly in love with someone and then find out that you are not actually all that compatible once you start living together. Then all the warts start coming out...I have seen this happen with a number of people...I mean you can also marry for love AND someone who is not a bum (not that he was a bum but from your comment I guess material situation was taken into the equation somehow?).


Oh phew...I thought I had been abducted and switched by aliens or something. :laugh: 

I agree, I think perhaps she over romanticized her old boyfriend. By all accounts he was a decent guy who loved her very much and wanted to marry her.He was a lot of fun and made her laugh. I forget what he did for a living but he had a good job, it just wasn't good "enough" for her. My grandfather had a "very" good job so she left the boyfriend and married my grandfather. On some level it may have been a good choice...he worked steadily during the depression and she never had to worry about money, even after he died. He left her well cared for in that regard. And after her childhood, that was something she really, really needed. But, he was a boring guy. My mother, who loved him dearly, always said he was a boring guy who had the patience of a small child. No fun.

My mother was a huge romantic. The "I love him so much I'm going to ignore the fact that he's an alcoholic who never works" type. Blew up in her face big time. And even after kicking my Dad out, she went to her grave completely in love with him. She wasn't afraid to die because she believed he'd be there waiting for her with all his earthy demons vanguished. 

I am a realist. I want someone I love, who makes me laugh, is good to me and is dependable and makes enough money that he doesn't need my money and can vacation with me at least once in a while, oh and to bring this post back to the original thread, good in bed. But the realist in me says that even with all that, it might not work. Like I said, I'm not a romantic at all. Never have been and never will be.


----------



## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> Oh phew...I thought I had been abducted and switched by aliens or something. :laugh:
> 
> I agree, I think perhaps she over romanticized her old boyfriend. By all accounts he was a decent guy who loved her very much and wanted to marry her.He was a lot of fun and made her laugh. I forget what he did for a living but he had a good job, it just wasn't good "enough" for her. My grandfather had a "very" good job so she left the boyfriend and married my grandfather. On some level it may have been a good choice...he worked steadily during the depression and she never had to worry about money, even after he died. He left her well cared for in that regard. And after her childhood, that was something she really, really needed. But, he was a boring guy. My mother, who loved him dearly, always said he was a boring guy who had the patience of a small child. No fun.
> 
> My mother was a huge romantic. The "I love him so much I'm going to ignore the fact that he's an alcoholic who never works" type. Blew up in her face big time. And even after kicking my Dad out, she went to her grave completely in love with him. She wasn't afraid to die because she believed he'd be there waiting for her with all his earthy demons vanguished.
> 
> I am a realist. I want someone I love, who makes me laugh, is good to me and is dependable and makes enough money that he doesn't need my money and can vacation with me at least once in a while, oh and to bring this post back to the original thread, good in bed. But the realist in me says that even with all that, it might not work. Like I said, I'm not a romantic at all. Never have been and never will be.


So your mum over-compensated a bit (by not wanting to make same 'mistakes' as your grandmother) and you are somewhere in the middle now. Which is how it should be. Why don't you think it might work? There are plenty of fish in the sea...And "no good fish goes out without a porpoise" to continue the inappropriate sayings  It will be fine.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

notmyjamie said:


> That's true, I'm sad for him too. I don't tend to talk about him though because he died before I was born. I never met him. But, I can be sad for her too...we all make bad choices in life. I can be sad that she made one and was miserable for it. I understand why she made it...she grew up very poor. 10 children in a one room thatched roof cottage type of poor. I get that...she never wanted to be poor again. And she wasn't...she had a nice house and raised her children comfortably. But, she was depressed for most of her life. And that's sad, even if her poor choice brought on some of her misery. I knew her and loved her so I have compassion for her. I do feel badly for him too though, absolutely. It couldn't have been that great of a sex life for him either.


Interestingly, my mother grew up the same way. She did not go looking for security at someone else's expense, but rather helped build it as an equal partner.


----------



## dadstartingover

I personally know of three married women in my social group that openly admit to having a TOTGA (the one that got away). What always amazes me is how open they are about the TOTGA to their current husband. All three are still in contact with their TOTGA (yay, thanks social media). They are either genuinely clueless about how hurtful it is to their husbands, or they know full well that husband is not going anywhere... so their feelings really don't matter. 

I wrote about it:

*The One That Got Away*


----------



## CraigBesuden

“
“According to a recent study by iVillage, less than half of wedded women married the person who was the best sex of their lives (52 percent say that was an ex.) In fact, 66 percent would rather read a book, watch a movie or take a nap than sleep with a spouse.”


https://www.google.com/amp/s/nypost.com/2012/11/25/nobody-marries-their-best-sex-ever/amp/


----------



## notmyjamie

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> notmyjamie said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's true, I'm sad for him too. I don't tend to talk about him though because he died before I was born. I never met him. But, I can be sad for her too...we all make bad choices in life. I can be sad that she made one and was miserable for it. I understand why she made it...she grew up very poor. 10 children in a one room thatched roof cottage type of poor. I get that...she never wanted to be poor again. And she wasn't...she had a nice house and raised her children comfortably. But, she was depressed for most of her life. And that's sad, even if her poor choice brought on some of her misery. I knew her and loved her so I have compassion for her. I do feel badly for him too though, absolutely. It couldn't have been that great of a sex life for him either.
> 
> 
> 
> Interestingly, my mother grew up the same way. She did not go looking for security at someone else's expense, but rather helped build it as an equal partner.
Click to expand...

Well, I’m talking about my grandmother, who was born in the 1890’s. Yes, that long ago!! My mother was a very late in life baby at age 48!!! Things were a bit different for women back then. I grew up poor too and I’m self sufficient now. I do not look for a man with money, I make my own.

ETA: My grandmother's "role" in being a partner was to raise the 5 children and maintain the household. Which she did very well.


----------



## notmyjamie

InMyPrime said:


> So your mum over-compensated a bit (by not wanting to make same 'mistakes' as your grandmother) and you are somewhere in the middle now. Which is how it should be. Why don't you think it might work? There are plenty of fish in the sea...And "no good fish goes out without a porpoise" to continue the inappropriate sayings <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a> It will be fine.


I just meant that even if someone has all those qualities that I listed it’s no guarantee we’ll end up going off into the sunset together. My STBX is a great example. He checked them all off...we’re getting divorced. That’s all I mean.


----------



## personofinterest

I confess there is a bit of an eyeroll reaction when I read this thread.

I will say that my hubby IS the best sexual partner I have ever had. Not all of it is his raw skill, though he certainly has that in spades. It';s because it is HIM.

I'll also say that though I am HD and my first marriage was sexless, I did NOT marry hubby because of the sex. Though I wouldn't have married him without it, if that makes sense.

The whole idea that women who don't declare you the best married you "at your expense" to use you or because women are vile selfish creatures is laughable and so red-pill infused I simply cannot take anyone seriously who feels that way.


----------



## CraigBesuden

When prior relationships come up, my neighbor’s sister smiles, pats her husbands hand, and says “I tell him that he’s my one and only.”

I saw a wife of Hugh Hefner asked if he was the best. She replied, “When you love somebody, they’re always the best.”

My wife’s best lover was the guy before me. He was a scumbag and her family hated him, but he was better in bed and had a bigger ****. I’m the best at cunnilingus (by far) and I’m working on intercourse. I’ll get there 🙂

It’s sad that so many guys get so worked up over this. It’s just sex.


----------



## personofinterest

CraigBesuden said:


> When prior relationships come up, my neighbor’s sister smiles, pats her husbands hand, and says “I tell him that he’s my one and only.”
> 
> I saw a wife of Hugh Hefner asked if he was the best. She replied, “When you love somebody, they’re always the best.”
> 
> My wife’s best lover was the guy before me. He was a scumbag and her family hated him, but he was better in bed and had a bigger ****. I’m the best at cunnilingus (by far) and I’m working on intercourse. I’ll get there 🙂


See, and here's my question. How do you even know that? If she volunteered it, I don't think much of her. If you asked....well, ya gt what ya ask for.


----------



## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> I just meant that even if someone has all those qualities that I listed it’s no guarantee we’ll end up going off into the sunset together. My STBX is a great example. He checked them all off...we’re getting divorced. That’s all I mean.



Isn’t it because he is gay? Sorry if I’m mixing you up. But if it is, it’s one of the things to check off the box too...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370

personofinterest said:


> I confess there is a bit of an eyeroll reaction when I read this thread.
> 
> 
> 
> I will say that my hubby IS the best sexual partner I have ever had. Not all of it is his raw skill, though he certainly has that in spades. It';s because it is HIM.
> 
> 
> 
> I'll also say that though I am HD and my first marriage was sexless, I did NOT marry hubby because of the sex. Though I wouldn't have married him without it, if that makes sense.
> 
> 
> 
> The whole idea that women who don't declare you the best married you "at your expense" to use you or because women are vile selfish creatures is laughable and so red-pill infused I simply cannot take anyone seriously who feels that way.



Yes, you are more like most women... not that there’s anything wrong with being different.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Affaircare

Justanormalguy said:


> To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?


I've been married to Beloved Hubby a little more than a month now, and this thread actually caught my attention and made me think. I have not slept with everyone and their mother, but I've had some experiences, both as a single person and married twice. I've been with women and men...not a lot (I could count them on my fingers) but still, I think it's pretty varied. And what struck me is that I have not ever, once thought of "the best sex" as if it was on a scale from 1-100 or something. Thus, this whole question was really hard to get my mind around. 

To me, I don't sleep with people "because I'm horny" or to satisfy myself, but rather because I care about them and wish to express that physically. Thus, each one was just themselves--not "better" or "worse"--just THEM. Some might have been good at one skill and not-so-good at another but the point to me was that I care about them, and thus we would take time and get into our own natural flow and it would be good! Yep, I orgasm and have a couple different types (innies, outies, g-spot), and yep I do get satisfied at some point, but that just never seemed like the main goal to me: the "best" sex. In a way that just sounds like "whoever has the best technique, I'll marry them..." and that's just foolish! 

So since I'm married to a gorgeous, attractive, loving, thoughtful husband with whom I greatly enjoy sharing sex, I am with him and I consider him the best of all men. _"Did you marry your best sexual partner?" _ Well... darn, he is him and I love him, so it is great. Is his technique "better than" another husband or past lover? Geez, I don't think of it like that. They were them--he is him; his way is uniquely him. I am with him now (in the present) and choose him., so I don't waste my thoughts or energy or sexuality on anything from the past--that's foolish. _"And if not, how do you view your husband?"_ Again, this doesn't make a lot of sense to me--I view him as the man whom I love to whom I am committed and who I think of as the hottest, most desireable man on the planet. How do I view him? Beloved. (shrug) 

I kind of wonder what you are trying to learn, @Justanormalguy


----------



## notmyjamie

InMyPrime said:


> Isn’t it because he is gay? Sorry if I’m mixing you up. But if it is, it’s one of the things to check off the box too...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Yes, but if you look at the list I gave, he did match all of them. That's my point, something else might come along and cause the relationship not to work even if a guy has all that stuff. It was never going to work with him because he's gay. The next guy it could not work out for a different reason. 

But, ever hopeful that I am, I'm hoping it does work out with the next guy. I'm just too much of a realist to assume it will. That's what I'm trying to say I guess.

ETA: But yes, I've added a new box to my list!!!! LOL


----------



## personofinterest

notmyjamie said:


> Well, I’m talking about my grandmother, who was born in the 1890’s. Yes, that long ago!! My mother was a very late in life baby at age 48!!! Things were a bit different for women back then. I grew up poor too and I’m self sufficient now. I do not look for a man with money, I make my own.
> 
> ETA: My grandmother's "role" in being a partner was to raise the 5 children and maintain the household. Which she did very well.



Yep

I gotta say, I cringed when I read that obvious bash of your GRANDMOTHER.

I mean come on, have some emotional intelligence.


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## notmyjamie

personofinterest said:


> Yep
> 
> I gotta say, I cringed when I read that obvious bash of your GRANDMOTHER.
> 
> I mean come on, have some emotional intelligence.


Well, most people's grandmothers were born in a different era than mine. I assumed the poster thought she was born much later than she was. I have many friends whose grandparents are still alive and were born in a very different time than my grandmother. 

I took no offense to it.


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## personofinterest

notmyjamie said:


> Well, most people's grandmothers were born in a different era than mine. I assumed the poster thought she was born much later than she was. I have many friends whose grandparents are still alive and were born in a very different time than my grandmother.
> 
> I took no offense to it.


True, in the 1800s the options for women to be self-sufficient were limited. Not to mention whether over or covert, the idea of arranged marriages even in the US were definitely a thing. And consent? Yeah, that thinking didn't exist. A man might be just as likely to suppose that his vocation was the price of a warm body to have sex with at will as a woman might have been to "get security at his expense."

It must be disheartening to live in a world where everyone's motives must be so nefarious all the time.


----------



## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> Yes, but if you look at the list I gave, he did match all of them. That's my point, something else might come along and cause the relationship not to work even if a guy has all that stuff. It was never going to work with him because he's gay. The next guy it could not work out for a different reason.
> 
> But, ever hopeful that I am, I'm hoping it does work out with the next guy. I'm just too much of a realist to assume it will. That's what I'm trying to say I guess.
> 
> ETA: But yes, I've added a new box to my list!!!! LOL



Not to be pedantic or anything, but the gay thing should be no 1 on the list (not that there’s anything wrong with that....). 
Don’t worry about lists; just use instinct and common sense.
Plus these things happen...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest

InMyPrime said:


> Not to be pedantic or anything, but the gay thing should be no 1 on the list (not that there’s anything wrong with that....).
> Don’t worry about lists; just use instinct and common sense.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Which makes perfect sense if you know ahead of time they are gay. Um....when you don't have that information, it isn't going to appear on a list.

I'm not sure why this is hard to understand for people.


----------



## CraigBesuden

> See, and here's my question. How do you even know that? If she volunteered it, I don't think much of her. If you asked....well, ya gt what ya ask for.


She wasn’t trying to insult me. I read between the lines and I asked.

At one point when first dating, she wanted me to thrust faster, thinking that’s why her ex felt better. I tried and it didn’t help. I suggested it was probably that his **** was bigger, not the speed. She blushed.

I also explained that her thick, soft bed topper was causing my knees to slip during intercourse and distracting me. I wanted to remove it but she just ignored me. Eventually we had sex on the hard bed in her spare room and it went much better. She confessed that she thought I was just making excuses, as the last guy had no problem with the bed topper.

Nothing malicious on my wife’s part, I assure you.

Aside from a couple one-offs when I was younger, I was totally inexperienced. That was 16 years ago. I haven’t asked for a re-evaluation.


----------



## notmyjamie

InMyPrime said:


> Not to be pedantic or anything, but the gay thing should be no 1 on the list (not that there’s anything wrong with that....).
> Don’t worry about lists; just use instinct and common sense.
> Plus these things happen...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Instincts and common sense got me married to a gay guy. I'll stick with lists from now on. It's not like I actually write them out and make potential dates check them off. LOL

And "these things happen" works for "damn, I dropped my ice cream cone" not "****, I married a gay guy and now my entire ****ing life is blowing apart and my soul is damaged beyond repair" Just sayin' :laugh:


----------



## CraigBesuden

personofinterest said:


> The whole idea that women who don't declare you the best married you "at your expense" to use you or because women are vile selfish creatures is laughable and so red-pill infused I simply cannot take anyone seriously who feels that way.


Agreed.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

notmyjamie said:


> Well, most people's grandmothers were born in a different era than mine. I assumed the poster thought she was born much later than she was. I have many friends whose grandparents are still alive and were born in a very different time than my grandmother.
> 
> I took no offense to it.


Thank you. 
The timeline did clarify things somewhat.

Although despite being born much later (the 1940s), I could still say that my mother still had no more real opportunity, so impoverished, backwards, and downright abusive and destructive was her beginning.


----------



## notmyjamie

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Thank you.
> The timeline did clarify things somewhat.
> 
> Although despite being born much later (the 1940s), I could still say that my mother still had no more real opportunity, so impoverished, backwards, and downright abusive and destructive was her beginning.


That's a sad beginning to life. I'm glad to hear she overcame it, that's not an easy thing to do. She must be a strong woman!!!

I think those 50 years do make a big difference though. Jobs for Irish women in the US before WW2 were mostly servant positions, which my grandmother did do for a number of years before she met my grandfather. She was not welcome to apply for any other type of work sadly enough. "Irish need not apply" was everywhere. She didn't teach her children Gaelic because of the prejudice she faced when she got to America. But, she was self sufficient for many years after coming to the US from Ireland despite arriving with only the clothes on her back and one small bag of belongings. She wanted to have her own family though and once a servant got married they had to leave service. Jobs were very scarce for married women as they were expected to stay home with their children.

My grandmother came to the US over 100 years ago. Sounds crazy when I say it out loud!!!!


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

notmyjamie said:


> That's a sad beginning to life. I'm glad to hear she overcame it, that's not an easy thing to do. She must be a strong woman!!!
> 
> I think those 50 years do make a big difference though. Jobs for Irish women in the US before WW2 were mostly servant positions, which my grandmother did do for a number of years before she met my grandfather. She was not welcome to apply for any other type of work sadly enough. "Irish need not apply" was everywhere. She didn't teach her children Gaelic because of the prejudice she faced when she got to America. But, she was self sufficient for many years after coming to the US from Ireland despite arriving with only the clothes on her back and one small bag of belongings. She wanted to have her own family though and once a servant got married they had to leave service. Jobs were very scarce for married women as they were expected to stay home with their children.
> 
> My grandmother came to the US over 100 years ago. Sounds crazy when I say it out loud!!!!


The post WWII jobs my mom did were also servant jobs. Oh, and in another coincidence, she was Irish (although I do realize that extra half century did go a long way to overcoming anti-Irish prejudice... in fact, by the time I was born, we'd just had our first Irish President). 

Making it even tougher was that my mom was as yet, unwed at the time of my birth. Dad was in Vietnam and didn't see me until my first birthday. So somehow, despite having zero support system, no education, no skills, living far from her familial home, and living in an era when an unwed mother still carried tremendous negative stigma, she somehow got by. I never really asked her how she managed that. I can't even begin to fully grasp the magnitude of that.


----------



## notmyjamie

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The post WWII jobs my mom did were also servant jobs. Oh, and in another coincidence, she was Irish (although I do realize that extra half century did go a long way to overcoming anti-Irish prejudice... in fact, by the time I was born, we'd just had our first Irish President).
> 
> Making it even tougher was that my mom was as yet, unwed at the time of my birth. Dad was in Vietnam and didn't see me until my first birthday. So somehow, despite having zero support system, no education, no skills, living far from her familial home, and living in an era when an unwed mother still carried tremendous negative stigma, she somehow got by. I never really asked her how she managed that. I can't even begin to fully grasp the magnitude of that.


Wow...she really sounds like a fighter!!!! You must be very proud of her. A lot of people would just give up in that type of situation.


----------



## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> Instincts and common sense got me married to a gay guy. I'll stick with lists from now on. It's not like I actually write them out and make potential dates check them off. LOL
> 
> And "these things happen" works for "damn, I dropped my ice cream cone" not "****, I married a gay guy and now my entire ****ing life is blowing apart and my soul is damaged beyond repair" Just sayin' :laugh:


Sorry if I came off as insensitive. I think that's why the lists are not very useful: a lot of things, you just find out as you go along. If you stick to the lists too rigidly, you end up discarding something or someone perhaps you might actually get along with. Although first impressions are actually quite important too.

The gay thing...I will bet my house it will not happen again. It typically happens to people who follow religions too strictly/wait for sex before marriage/don't have experience. You can find out about that fairly soon, once you decide that he is a suitable potential mate...Once you know what good sex is supposed to be like, you cannot fake heterosexuality, sorry but you can't. If someone can, then they are not very good at being gay....

The other stuff from the list...you typically compromise here and there and maybe you discover other things about them that weren't on the list, but that are actually quite nice to have, so I am not certain how helpful lists can be...But if it helps you to differentiate and have a system, by all means, use lists!

Anyway, it's just my opinion. I know it feels like you threw a lot of good years away, but you have kids right? Plus it's all part of experience that we call life...


----------



## MJJEAN

Justanormalguy said:


> To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?


My first marriage, no. Not by a long shot. 

My second marriage, yes. By a long shot.



ConanHub said:


> It doesn't even occur to most as something to be considered in mate selection.


I don't even understand how quality and quality of sex could _not_ be a consideration when selecting the only person you'll be having sex with for _the rest of your life_.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

notmyjamie said:


> Wow...she really sounds like a fighter!!!! You must be very proud of her. A lot of people would just give up in that type of situation.


A fighter indeed. Right up to the last days. 
She lasted 5 years after being told she had six months tops. She never even told me she was given such a diagnosis. I knew she had the cancer all along but she never let on as to the severity (and dad was complicit in the cover up himself). I'm sure they didn't want to alarm me or for me to make any decisions based on her illness, especially as my military career was blossoming. I only found out at the reception after the funeral when dad let it slip talking to someone else and I overheard. Even after dying, her sacrifice continued to amaze me. 

4 years in, I was selected for promotion to full Colonel, a pretty rare thing which nobody turns down. But I knew that came with at least two more 2-year assignments, both likely to be far away, and 3 kids approaching or in high school who I didn't want to be jerking around every two years, I (we, as my wife also had a say) decided to turn down the promotion and take the family and settle back near both our families. Good thing too, as it was almost a year to the day from when we settled and when mom passed. For the last year, she had access to her full family and grandkids (my brother had never left the area).


----------



## 269370

MJJEAN said:


> I don't even understand how quality and quality of sex could _not_ be a consideration when selecting the only person you'll be having sex with for _the rest of your life_.


Because parents don't typically tell their kids that it's important to have someone you can be horny about...

And God needs to get Cupid replaced. His performance has been under par for a while now...


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

MJJEAN said:


> I don't even understand how quality and quality of sex could _not_ be a consideration when selecting the only person you'll be having sex with for _the rest of your life_.


I can only give you my individual anecdotal answer (but I'm sure there are millions who have been misled by one or more of the following).

When one is raised to, and buys into:
1. the notion that if you really love each other, the sex thing will work itself out
2. the notion that sex is only to be shared with one in a lifetime, so you gain no experience where you can't even figure what/how much you want, let alone whether someone else will approach your desired quantity/quality
3. the notion that women (at least stable or dependable ones) aren't really into sex in the first place, so none of it really matters anyway.....

Then it's pretty darn easy to find yourself in a marriage without having considered quantity and quality of sex, at least as a potential decision factor.


----------



## Faithful Wife

MJJEAN said:


> Justanormalguy said:
> 
> 
> 
> To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?
> 
> 
> 
> I don't even understand how quality and quality of sex could _not_ be a consideration when selecting the only person you'll be having sex with for _the rest of your life_.
Click to expand...

I’m guessing that for those men and women who just aren’t that sexual, they don’t really think much in advance about sex at all. 

And for some people, the NRE they are experiencing is making them think the sex will always be that good so they don’t really consider that things could change. Therefore they don’t ask more questions and find out more about the deeper sexual thoughts and feelings of their partner. They assume they are on the same page because at the time it feels like they are.

I would say a lot of LD people really enjoy the NRE sex but their drive is not going to remain high over time. If this is their first or only lover, then they may think they are HD in the beginning and then they settle into their normal drive later. I can see how the spouse of this person would think they were picking someone who did care about the quality and quantity of their sex life because that’s what it looked like to them at first and neither had any way of knowing that things would change.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

InMyPrime said:


> Because parents don't typically tell their kids that it's important to have someone you can be horny about...
> 
> And God needs to get Cupid replaced. His performance has been under par for a while now...


Or God just needs to get the hell out of the way. It seems he's led far more astray in this regard than Cupid.


----------



## notmyjamie

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> A fighter indeed. Right up to the last days.
> She lasted 5 years after being told she had six months tops. She never even told me she was given such a diagnosis. I knew she had the cancer all along but she never let on as to the severity (and dad was complicit in the cover up himself). I'm sure they didn't want to alarm me or for me to make any decisions based on her illness, especially as my military career was blossoming. I only found out at the reception after the funeral when dad let it slip talking to someone else and I overheard. Even after dying, her sacrifice continued to amaze me.
> 
> 4 years in, I was selected for promotion to full Colonel, a pretty rare thing which nobody turns down. But I knew that came with at least two more 2-year assignments, both likely to be far away, and 3 kids approaching or in high school who I didn't want to be jerking around every two years, I (we, as my wife also had a say) decided to turn down the promotion and take the family and settle back near both our families. Good thing too, as it was almost a year to the day from when we settled and when mom passed. For the last year, she had access to her full family and grandkids (my brother had never left the area).


And that just gave me the chills. I'm so glad you went home!!!!! My Mom died almost 2 years ago. She lived in the in-law apartment I live in now. I was able to care for her so much better and I spent a lot of time that last year just hanging out & chatting with her. I would not trade that time for anything in the world. It is most precious to me. And my kids knew her better than most kids know their grandmothers as she was more like a second mother to them. In fact when my daughter went back to school she had a lot of trouble adjusting. The school didn't understand her reaction until I pointed out that she lived with us and acted as a second mother. After that they came up with a plan for what she could do when the grief overwhelmed her and it got better. I still wouldn't trade having my mother there or the relationship she had with my kids.


----------



## notmyjamie

InMyPrime said:


> Sorry if I came off as insensitive. I think that's why the lists are not very useful: a lot of things, you just find out as you go along. If you stick to the lists too rigidly, you end up discarding something or someone perhaps you might actually get along with. Although first impressions are actually quite important too.
> 
> The gay thing...I will bet my house it will not happen again. It typically happens to people who follow religions too strictly/wait for sex before marriage/don't have experience. You can find out about that fairly soon, once you decide that he is a suitable potential mate...Once you know what good sex is supposed to be like, you cannot fake heterosexuality, sorry but you can't. If someone can, then they are not very good at being gay....
> 
> The other stuff from the list...you typically compromise here and there and maybe you discover other things about them that weren't on the list, but that are actually quite nice to have, so I am not certain how helpful lists can be...But if it helps you to differentiate and have a system, by all means, use lists!
> 
> Anyway, it's just my opinion. I know it feels like you threw a lot of good years away, but you have kids right? Plus it's all part of experience that we call life...


No worries, I wasn't upset. I actually laughed about it. I agree that you have to compromise when finding love. My list is stuff that I'm not willing to compromise on and then I take it from there. I'm not super rigid though...if a met a guy who was just laid off but looking for work I'd give him a chance. But if he hadn't worked in 5 years and lived in his Mom's basement, I wouldn't. Sorry, but I just wouldn't. I make enough to support myself and my kids...not a guy who should be making his own money. I don't care how good he is in bed. (bringing it back to the thread topic!!)

Perfect example is the guy I am dating now. I used to say, many years ago that I could never date a musician. They did too many drugs, cheated all the time, partied too much, etc. Well, guess what? This guy is a musician and I like him...a lot actually. And all of my stupid fears have turned out not to be true. Got to see him play a gig on the 4th and loved it!!!!! And not to get too personal, but you are right, you can't fake heterosexuality and I'll just leave it at that!!!!

I do feel like I threw away a lot of years on the one hand. But on the other I got three amazing kids out of it. My running joke is "thanks for the great sperm...now go away!!" LOL 

I will admit that for a long time I assumed I'd end up alone for the rest of my life. That colored how I felt about everything, wasted youth, etc. Well, turns out some guys do actually find me attractive enough to ask out. And I found a guy I really like...will it last forever? I have no idea but the fear of being alone forever is gone now. I still say I'd rather have skipped that particular experience of life though. But, I could have had much worse happen to me. I'll have some lasting scars but not enough to ruin the rest of my life so I'm good. I want to be happy so I'm choosing to move on and be happy. But, I do make my choices a little more carefully now and that's what the list is about.


----------



## MJJEAN

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I can only give you my individual anecdotal answer (but I'm sure there are millions who have been misled by one or more of the following).
> 
> When one is raised to, and buys into:
> 1. the notion that if you really love each other, the sex thing will work itself out
> 2. the notion that sex is only to be shared with one in a lifetime, so you gain no experience where you can't even figure what/how much you want, let alone whether someone else will approach your desired quantity/quality
> 3. the notion that women (at least stable or dependable ones) aren't really into sex in the first place, so none of it really matters anyway.....
> 
> Then it's pretty darn easy to find yourself in a marriage without having considered quantity and quality of sex, at least as a potential decision factor.


1) Perhaps sub-par sex can be worked out with love, patience, and all that jazz. But it would seem foolish to marry before the bugs get sorted.

2) I can't comment much on this one as it wasn't part of my personal experience growing up and becoming sexually active. Most people I knew who were raised with that idea simply kept their activity on the down low so their parents wouldn't discover their sinful ways.

3) I can't even. That's as archaic an idea as "women don't enjoy sex other than in hopes of conceiving and becoming mothers". It astounds me that people would perpetuate that idea past 1960...at the very latest!



InMyPrime said:


> Because parents don't typically tell their kids that it's important to have someone you can be horny about...


Some things are just...common sense? I mean, where is the sense in getting romantically involved with someone you don't want to pull into a dark corner and do naughty naked things?





Faithful Wife said:


> I’m guessing that for those men and women who just aren’t that sexual, they don’t really think much in advance about sex at all.
> 
> And for some people, the NRE they are experiencing is making them think the sex will always be that good so they don’t really consider that things could change. Therefore they don’t ask more questions and find out more about the deeper sexual thoughts and feelings of their partner. They assume they are on the same page because at the time it feels like they are.
> 
> I would say a lot of LD people really enjoy the NRE sex but their drive is not going to remain high over time. If this is their first or only lover, then they may think they are HD in the beginning and then they settle into their normal drive later. I can see how the spouse of this person would think they were picking someone who did care about the quality and quantity of their sex life because that’s what it looked like to them at first and neither had any way of knowing that things would change.


Considering NRE/Limerence lasts approximately 2 years at the most, I'd consider these situations a bit of "marry in haste, repent at leisure" along with a dose of lacking communication.

It always shocks me when I hear about people who assumed it would get better later or assumed their prospective spouses were on the same page when it comes to sex, finances, lifestyle, etc. without both clear discussion and supporting actions/behavior. 

Maybe I'm just an odd duck. I met DH and knew he was it. I fell in love at first sight. I'd been nowhere near a wallflower and had my share of plain ole sex and actual relationships. Some that really meant something. Nothing compared to what I felt for DH the minute I laid eyes on him. I still did my due diligence, though. I made sure we talked about_ everything_over the first few months and lived with him for nearly two years before we married just to make sure.


----------



## CraigBesuden

ConanHub said:


> It doesn't even occur to most as something to be considered in mate selection.





> I don't even understand how quality and quality of sex could _not_ be a consideration when selecting the only person you'll be having sex with for _the rest of your life_.


To be fair, he wasn’t saying that quantity and quality of sex don’t matter. He’s saying that marrying your absolute best sex partner is not a priority for most people.


----------



## CraigBesuden

Justanormalguy said:


> To all the married women, did you marry your best sexual partner? And if not, how do you view your husband?


As I noted above, my wife’s best lover was a tattooed bad boy with a big ****. She never really much mentioned him over the years.

She did, however, occasionally mention a serious boyfriend from high school or college who her parents pressured her to marry. A perfect, smart, ambitious beta male. My wife has said that if her parents hadn’t pressured her, she would have married him. She found out that he lived in the town next to ours, and another couple of people she knew from high school (the guy’s best friend and his wife) lived a couple doors down. One time we were out on a drive and she wanted to drive by and see how the house looked.

Then, about five years ago, she found out that both houses were for sale. Turns out that her old love cheated with his best friend’s wife and both couples were divorcing. After that, I haven’t heard much about him again.

So, at least in my case, she didn’t much care about the best lover. She cared about another nice guy.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

MJJEAN said:


> 1) Perhaps sub-par sex can be worked out with love, patience, and all that jazz. But it would seem foolish to marry before the bugs get sorted.
> 
> Yes it is foolish. But most from my generation were taught that it was foolish to fool around before you get married. With no frame of reference or countering voice, it's pretty natural to believe it. Hopefully between generations, most of us have wised up a bit. Too late for me, but not too late for my kids.
> 
> 2) I can't comment much on this one as it wasn't part of my personal experience growing up and becoming sexually active. Most people I knew who were raised with that idea simply kept their activity on the down low so their parents wouldn't discover their sinful ways.
> 
> I could say the same about my peers. There were far too many of us whose "respect for our elders" actually hurt more than it helped. I simply could not be dishonest, so when I got freaky, there was no hiding it.
> 
> 3) I can't even. That's as archaic an idea as "women don't enjoy sex other than in hopes of conceiving and becoming mothers". It astounds me that people would perpetuate that idea past 1960...at the very latest!
> Agreed. (I was born in '64)


Bottom line, everything you say here makes perfect sense. But we can no more change the sexual mores of the past than we can change the legacy of slavery or genocide. It just is what it is... or hopefully _was _what it _was_.


----------



## 269370

notmyjamie said:


> Perfect example is the guy I am dating now. I used to say, many years ago that I could never date a musician. They did too many drugs, cheated all the time, partied too much, etc. Well, guess what? This guy is a musician and I like him...a lot actually. And all of my stupid fears have turned out not to be true. Got to see him play a gig on the 4th and loved it!!!!! And not to get too personal, but you are right, you can't fake heterosexuality and I'll just leave it at that!!!!



Yes, all this stuff one hears about musicians is just plain wrong...I can promise you...
It’s good to be careful though; once bitten twice why (I need to stop with these sayings already....).



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370

MJJEAN said:


> Some things are just...common sense? I mean, where is the sense in getting romantically involved with someone you don't want to pull into a dark corner and do naughty naked things?



Not when you are young and inexperienced...There’s not a lot of common sense then. I basically faced two choices when selecting a girlfriend back then when I became a semen-producing man: should I please my mother or should I please my ****? 
I think if I cared about my mother’s approval too much, I would have been miserable...
So I decided to go with my ****. In hindsight, that was the correct decision.
So the moral of the story to you women out there: always listen to your ****s. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TJW

InMyPrime said:


> Yes, all this stuff one hears about musicians is just plain wrong...


Yes. It is wrong. I know many musicians who don't do drugs, don't drink to excess, don't play around.... there is a similar proportion of musicians involved in these things to the proportion of those in other livelihoods....


----------



## september_sky

I’ve never had sex with anyone other than my husband.


----------



## Tiggy!

InMyPrime said:


> Yet you found sex with him great and better than with husband? Interesting. You must be that exception that I can’t wrap my head around...


I don't really get how loving someone impacts the physical pleasure of sex, I feel emotionally more close sometimes but for me that doesn't lead to better climaxes ect.



> What exactly made the sex amazing with that guy? (Just curious. Not in a pervy way.)


Obviously not going to go into to details but he was very physically physically attractive and very sexually intuitive.



> And what qualities made you fall in love with your husband? Don’t worry, if too personal.


Pretty much every quality, he's attractive, funny, optimistic,smart,confident, honest and beats to his own drum. 



> I’m just wondering if in some cases women do chose partners in a more ‘pragmatic’ way: like for example, which one will make a stable, dependant provider, versus some tantric stud.
> 
> I’m also the exception in that I don’t think I could have great sex with someone I didn’t love. Maybe if we switched the sexes then everything would be back in correct order
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Middle of Everything

Faithful Wife said:


> Which ones make you feel high for hours after sex? That’s my basic test. If I hop out of bed and say “cool that was nice baby, thanks” that would mean it was only ok for me. If I literally can’t get my head back on straight and am giddy for a few hours and my head is in a cloud and I’m basically reliving the sex in my mind constantly, then it was great.


Sh!t. I think I'm doing it wrong.


----------



## BruceBanner

Since were having this topic I figured I'd post this for some good laughs.

https://imgur.com/gallery/C9yW5v2


----------



## CraigBesuden

BruceBanner said:


> Since were having this topic I figured I'd post this for some good laughs.
> 
> https://imgur.com/gallery/C9yW5v2


Those women definitely exist. But they aren’t any people that I know personally. I even know women who physically abuse their boyfriends, but none who follow “alpha fux beta bux.”

The closest I can think of would be my wife’s 27 yo cousin, raised by an evangelical family, who was promiscuous and got pregnant as a teen. She’s dating a guy who her sister (a 25 yo technical virgin) says has no personality and none of them like this guy the way they did her last boyfriend who broke up with her, wants her back but she won’t take him back out of spite. I don’t know if she’s unattracted to this boring guy or not; if she isn’t and wants to marry him as a provider, then she’s the only AFBB I can recall.

There are definitely ambitious women, especially at exclusive colleges, who choose to avoid serious relationships until after college (and grad school) and get their careers and finances in order. While waiting to reach that point, they have NSA sex / flings with sexy guys above their league because they can. (One of the few advantages women have in dating.) But they aren’t trying to hurt beta males and keep them on the shelf until they turn 28. They’re just trying to focus on their education and careers.


----------



## personofinterest

CraigBesuden said:


> Those women definitely exist. But they aren’t any people that I know personally. I even know women who physically abuse their boyfriends, but none who follow “alpha fux beta bux.”
> 
> The closest I can think of would be my wife’s 27 yo cousin, raised by an evangelical family, who was promiscuous and got pregnant as a teen. She’s dating a guy who her sister (a 25 yo technical virgin) says has no personality and none of them like this guy the way they did her last boyfriend who broke up with her, wants her back but she won’t take him back out of spite. I don’t know if she’s unattracted to this boring guy or not; if she isn’t and wants to marry him as a provider, then she’s the only AFBB I can recall.
> 
> There are definitely ambitious women, especially at exclusive colleges, who choose to avoid serious relationships until after college (and grad school) and get their careers and finances in order. While waiting to reach that point, they have NSA sex / flings with sexy guys above their league because they can. (One of the few advantages women have in dating.) But they aren’t trying to hurt beta males and keep them on the shelf until they turn 28. They’re just trying to focus on their education and careers.


You have to understand there is a subset of men online who have chosen to let their lack of success with women or their bad past experience make them bitter and ignorant of women in general. Rather than heal or look at their own serious issues, they prefer to demonize an entire gender. It is borne of adolescent petulance and incel frustration.


----------



## TJW

the article said:


> The prudent man will guard his commitment and resources from such women to avoid ending up in a dead bedroom while providing financial stability to a woman who picked him last.





personofinterest said:


> It is borne of adolescent petulance and incel frustration.


Thanks for the new word "incel" - I have known the frustration part, but have an additional vocabulary tool.....not that it will have much effectiveness...

Unfortunately, prudence is only learned by the experience of being picked last and the dead bedroom. Geez, I never knew the term "alpha widow" until couple years ago, either.....


----------



## TJW

CraigBesuden said:


> But they aren’t trying to hurt beta males and keep them on the shelf until they turn 28. They’re just trying to focus on their education and careers.


Yes, I believe they are not sinister nor wicked. Once education and career are over, they're just trying to focus on kids and white picket fences. Their husband is a "tool".

It never actually occurs to them that he is a person.


----------



## personofinterest

TJW said:


> Yes, I believe they are not sinister nor wicked. Once education and career are over, *they're* just trying to focus on kids and white picket fences. *Their husband is a "tool"*.


Or....OR...

Theie huband is a man they love with whom they want to share a life.

Just answering as one of the "they" who is sick of being generalized based on someone else's neurosis.


----------



## CraigBesuden

TJW said:


> Yes, I believe they are not sinister nor wicked. Once education and career are over, they're just trying to focus on kids and white picket fences. Their husband is a "tool".
> 
> It never actually occurs to them that he is a person.


“Data show men are quicker to fall in love and more likely than women to want children: 54% of men say they have experienced love at first sight, compared with 44% of women; among singles without children under 18, more men (24%) than women (15%) say they want children.”

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news...p-the-script-in-gender-expectation/43219110/1

Are men using women as “tools” to make the babies these men want?

I don’t see many wives who don’t love their husbands IRL.

For every beta who spends his twenties without sex, there is a woman whose thirties (and fertility) lapse without a husband. Women aren’t happy with the dating market, either.


----------



## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> Or....OR...
> 
> Theie huband is a man they love with whom they want to share a life.
> 
> Just answering as one of the "they" who is sick of being generalized based on someone else's neurosis.


I know your situation was different, so I get that. 

But don't think that this happens more to men than it does women, or do you think it is even. 

I am not letting men off the hook, because I know a ton of them a clueless, but to me, I see this more with women. 

I could be wrong...


----------



## personofinterest

BluesPower said:


> I know your situation was different, so I get that.
> 
> But don't think that this happens more to men than it does women, or do you think it is even.
> 
> I am not letting men off the hook, because I know a ton of them a clueless, but to me, I see this more with women.
> 
> I could be wrong...


Oh I can absolutely get behind the idea that women are more prone to take security over sex (though I don't know why).

However, I am just TIRED of the men who need to take care of their own chosen wounds at which they constantly pick generalizing all females as some collective "they" who are out to get the entire male population.

They need to stop it and grow up. It is tedious and grossly unattractive.

And to be clear, there is no way a whiny man judging all women by his ex or the model who wouldn't date him is ANYONE's best sexual partner. Because how could they be?


----------



## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> Oh I can absolutely get behind the idea that women are more prone to take security over sex (though I don't know why).
> 
> However, I am just TIRED of the men who need to take care of their own chosen wounds at which they constantly pick generalizing all females as some collective "they" who are out to get the entire male population.
> 
> They need to stop it and grow up. It is tedious and grossly unattractive.
> 
> And to be clear, there is no way a whiny man judging all women by his ex or the model who wouldn't date him is ANYONE's best sexual partner. Because how could they be?


Yeah. I have to say that even at may age, for some reason I seem to find and date women with high sex drives, which over all is great... 

Except when they come back around when you are in a relationship... that part sucks...

As too the question, I don't really care if I am the best, I want to be the best right now if that makes sense...


----------



## personofinterest

BluesPower said:


> Yeah. I have to say that even at may age, for some reason I seem to find and date women with high sex drives, which over all is great...
> 
> Except when they come back around when you are in a relationship... that part sucks...
> 
> As too the question,* I don't really care if I am the best, I want to be the best right now if that makes sense..*.


It makes sense because it is normal and healthy. There is only one kind of man obsessed with being a woman's overall best of all time. And he's been reading too much AskMen and red pill.


----------



## hptessla

ReformedHubby said:


> I have never really been able to wrap my head around "best ever" when it comes to sex. Best what? Best at oral? Best at woman on top? Best at being down for it whenever wherever? I guess to me...I don't really have a best ever. To me there is great sex, good sex, and regular sex. Even when I have been in a relationship with someone who rocks my world in bed...its not like they are like that every single time. To me at least the best sex ever is kind of subjective term. Most of us marry someone who is "good" in bed, and hopefully open minded enough to explore a bit with you, with that person you do have great sex, although sometimes it will be just good, or regular, but always satisfying. Hmmmm....am I making sense? Probably not :rofl:
> 
> Anyways OP, if you have a happy healthy sexual relationship with your wife, just focus on that. Don't worry about being the biggest or the best etc. That stuff is bad for your mojo.


Amen brother!
What's the best meal you ever had?
What's your favorite movie?
What's your favorite song?

There are so many choices and nuances that even if you consider only in the moment it's still hard to pick. Now, spread those choices out over a lifetime and decide. On top of that 'best' is subjective from individual to individual.
Good luck.


----------



## CharlieParker

According to my wife tonight, yes. But I don’t believe her. We’ll work on it, tomorrow.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

Yeah I'm her best sex partner. She's really hot for stop and go sex.


----------



## Faithful Wife

hptessla said:


> ReformedHubby said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have never really been able to wrap my head around "best ever" when it comes to sex. Best what? Best at oral? Best at woman on top? Best at being down for it whenever wherever? I guess to me...I don't really have a best ever. To me there is great sex, good sex, and regular sex. Even when I have been in a relationship with someone who rocks my world in bed...its not like they are like that every single time. To me at least the best sex ever is kind of subjective term. Most of us marry someone who is "good" in bed, and hopefully open minded enough to explore a bit with you, with that person you do have great sex, although sometimes it will be just good, or regular, but always satisfying. Hmmmm....am I making sense? Probably not <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rofl.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Rofl" ></a>
> 
> Anyways OP, if you have a happy healthy sexual relationship with your wife, just focus on that. Don't worry about being the biggest or the best etc. That stuff is bad for your mojo.
> 
> 
> 
> Amen brother!
> What's the best meal you ever had?
> What's your favorite movie?
> What's your favorite song?
> 
> There are so many choices and nuances that even if you consider only in the moment it's still hard to pick. Now, spread those choices out over a lifetime and decide. On top of that 'best' is subjective from individual to individual.
> Good luck.
Click to expand...

I will eat thousands of meals and hear thousands of songs and see hundreds of movies.

But I will only have a small handful of lovers in my life, and I will easily be able to rank them from best to worst.

Of course it is subjective. How could it not be? Why does that matter? 

Maybe for some people sex is always good or mostly good or they are fine if it is good sometimes and not others. But I’m not fine if the sex isn’t great and I do know very easily who is great, to me. It’s not ambiguous.


----------



## uhtred

It can be subjective, but still not a ranking. 

Do I like cheescake or steak, fresh cherries or dark chocolate best? There isn't an answer. 

I have not had many sex partners, but I would have thought partners would be like that - though some of course clearly worse than some others. 




Faithful Wife said:


> I will eat thousands of meals and hear thousands of songs and see hundreds of movies.
> 
> But I will only have a small handful of lovers in my life, and I will easily be able to rank them from best to worst.
> 
> Of course it is subjective. How could it not be? Why does that matter?
> 
> Maybe for some people sex is always good or mostly good or they are fine if it is good sometimes and not others. But I’m not fine if the sex isn’t great and I do know very easily who is great, to me. It’s not ambiguous.


----------



## Faithful Wife

uhtred said:


> It can be subjective, but still not a ranking.
> 
> Do I like cheescake or steak, fresh cherries or dark chocolate best? There isn't an answer.
> 
> I have not had many sex partners, but I would have thought partners would be like that - though some of course clearly worse than some others.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I will eat thousands of meals and hear thousands of songs and see hundreds of movies.
> 
> But I will only have a small handful of lovers in my life, and I will easily be able to rank them from best to worst.
> 
> Of course it is subjective. How could it not be? Why does that matter?
> 
> Maybe for some people sex is always good or mostly good or they are fine if it is good sometimes and not others. But I’m not fine if the sex isn’t great and I do know very easily who is great, to me. It’s not ambiguous.
Click to expand...

People are not nearly as bland and “same” as different types of foods. They are like individual specially created chef delights, of which no two can be directly compared. But still, if some taste good to you and some don’t, you will have a strong preference.

As for lovers, If I had only experienced mostly good, I would probably believe that most are good. Having experienced not so good, now I am aware that not everyone is good. And having experienced great, now I am aware that not all but some are great.

Going for great is the only thing I can imagine doing now that I know.


----------



## Wazza

personofinterest said:


> It makes sense because it is normal and healthy. There is only one kind of man obsessed with being a woman's overall best of all time. And he's been reading too much AskMen and red pill.


Is that really just a man thing? Don’t women want to be “the one” sexually, emotionally or whatever? I would have said it’s normal human insecurity.


----------



## personofinterest

Wazza said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> It makes sense because it is normal and healthy. There is only one kind of man obsessed with being a woman's overall best of all time. And he's been reading too much AskMen and red pill.
> 
> 
> 
> Is that really just a man thing? Don’t women want to be “the one” sexually, emotionally or whatever? I would have said it’s normal human insecurity.
Click to expand...

 I don't think it's in all man thing. I think it is this one subset of men who frequent the Internet, have been burned, have not had luck with women, and nurse each other's bitterness on places like reddit. No normal man in real life who I have ever known expected to be the only man his wife has ever known and the best man in all aspects. And I guarantee no woman passed to the age of 20 expect to be the only woman a man has ever been with.


----------



## ReformedHubby

uhtred said:


> It can be subjective, but still not a ranking.
> 
> Do I like cheescake or steak, fresh cherries or dark chocolate best? There isn't an answer.
> 
> I have not had many sex partners, but I would have thought partners would be like that - though some of course clearly worse than some others.


Well...I have had a lot of sex...and honestly I still can't wrap my head around the "best I ever had". I can think of a lot of really awesome experiences. But I don't have a blue ribbon for anyone in particular. I can say who was best at very specific acts...but not best ever overall.


----------



## Talk2Me

I guess to flip this my ex wife was NOT my best sexual partner. I was with her for 16 years. Obviously, my current G/F is but even before that a good majority of my previous relationships were with better sexual partners. They were way more open minded and wanted to have more fun and just better all around. Live and learn I guess.


----------



## Married but Happy

What is "best"? I've had a few partners who were especially good at one or two things, but not best overall. My ex was far from best, but pretty good - of course when we got married we had a limited basis of comparison.

My wife is clearly best overall, and in the top few in any one thing. She says the same about me and we've shared enough details for me to believe her and her reasons. We have an open relationship, so she could have chosen to see someone repeatedly if they really appealed to her, but that hasn't been the case and in the last couple of years she hasn't even pursued any of them for an encore. Some were very good, in particular ways, but not overall.


----------



## Faithful Wife

It is curious that the women reporting on this thread seem to be very clear about who was their best lover, but the men are not as clear on this. 

Not sure why this would be. 

However, seems the OP hasn’t been back since his first post. I wonder what he thought about all the answers.


----------



## Spicy

My answer to the OP is that in my first marriage, we were both virgins. So nothing to compare too. We learned together and it was awesome. We had many years of great sex, and we were both interested in doing all we could to please each other, and try new things. He was great at oral and loved giving it. Honestly he was great at everything but doggie, which he just came too quick at.

Second marriage, I did not marry the best. The best was also not compatible in really anyway outside of sex, but he was literally GREAT at it. I would never have married him though. 

My husband checks all my other boxes, and we are still working on the intimate piece as most here know. I would never marry based on sex only. It would be fantastic if that was a feature of my current spouse, but I’m imperfect, and so is he. We accept each other the way we are.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Do women marry their best sex partners?

I'm sure she did 😍😍😍 !!

PS we weren't virgins when married, I was a man-w**** for sure, but I like to think she did.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

It's never come up actually, by either of us, in 35yrs. Never really a thing, if you will. Who knows. I won in any case ❤❤❤.

But I guarantee you I'm among the best, most imaginative, and passionate any woman could have. 

Imho. 😍


----------



## Talk2Me

I just messaged my g/f and asked her if I was her best lover and this was her response:

Yes of all time. Noone has ever tried to figure out what I like as much as you do. I like that a lot.

I like that you do that.

Obviously, she could be lying but she's pretty straight forward. If you're current not her best lover then LEARN TO BE!!!! 

Read up on sex and don't be afraid to try new things. I try to mix things up whenever I can. Just last night going down on her I tried something new and she absolutely loved it. Learn to make her squirt I'm sure other lovers haven't done that before or very few have. I've purchased tutorials over the years to learn how to do it. IT WORKS!!!!! 

It's not about who has the biggest package either. I know some of her former partners were bigger than me. It sucks but I can't change that but I can change how I make her feel.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Talk2Me said:


> Learn to make her squirt I'm sure other lovers haven't done that before or very few have.


I'm sure you are her best and that you are both very happy. But one liners like this, to me, completely miss the point. If a guy thought this is "what it takes" I would have to giggle at that.


----------



## personofinterest

Faithful Wife said:


> Talk2Me said:
> 
> 
> 
> Learn to make her squirt I'm sure other lovers haven't done that before or very few have.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sure you are her best and that you are both very happy. But one liners like this, to me, completely miss the point. If a guy thought this is "what it takes" I would have to giggle at that.
Click to expand...

 I completely agree. It's like squirting and anal are the 2 absolute barometers for a man's ego. It's kind of weird and silly in my opinion.

My husband regularly blows my mind. I won't get specific, but oh my word! However, he never really talked about it or talks about it, and less we occasion only flirt and he is saying things tongue in cheek. I did date to people who brag about how awesome they were. Let's just say they were legends in their own minds, but not in mine lol


----------



## Deejo

I look deeply into a womans eyes, stop blinking, and pretty much scream the entire time.

I am sure this makes me best. I know this. Because I think it. With my mind.











*Edited to Add* I definitely was hearing Ron Burgundy's voice typing that out.


----------



## Deejo

We have arrived at an answer, no?

Some women with little sexual experience marry a man that is the best lover they have ever had. Because ... pool of 3 or less.

Many women do not marry the man who provided the best sex they have ever had ... but that doesn't mean they don't dig the sex with the man they are pair-bonded with.

Most men believe they are the best sex their wives have ever had.

That about it?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Deejo said:


> We have arrived at an answer, no?
> 
> Some women with little sexual experience marry a man that is the best lover they have ever had. Because ... pool of 3 or less.
> 
> Many women do not marry the man who provided the best sex they have ever had ... but that doesn't mean they don't dig the sex with the man they are pair-bonded with.
> 
> Most men believe they are the best sex their wives have ever had.
> 
> That about it?


Also add....

Women on this thread definitely know who their best lover was, but men on this thread do not.


----------



## Deejo

Faithful Wife said:


> Also add....
> 
> Women on this thread definitely know who their best lover was, but men on this thread do not.


Yeah ... but I do know who my best lover was. I'll need to reread. Is it really that confusing for men?

Are we categorizing?

I had a partner who could consistently get me off in less than 5 minutes, every time ... which was truly shocking to me, having DE. But I would not say she was my best lover.

Man, sex is weird.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Faithful Wife said:


> Also add....
> 
> Women on this thread definitely know who their best lover was, but men on this thread do not.


Or men are reluctant to just come out and say it. 

I won't say it specifically about the men on TAM, but I'd wager a bet that the same men who lambaste women for getting their rocks off with the bad boys then settling down with Harvey Milquetoaste after duping the poor sap into thinking she actually loves him... are often the same fellas who aren't gonna' fess up that their wife isn't their hottest encounter either. 

No shortage of double standards out there.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Deejo said:


> Yeah ... but I do know who my best lover was. I'll need to reread. Is it really that confusing for men?
> 
> Are we categorizing?
> 
> I had a partner who could consistently get me off in less than 5 minutes, every time ... which was truly shocking to me, having DE. But I would not say she was my best lover.
> 
> Man, sex is weird.


I don't know why some of the men are having trouble understanding the concept. Perhaps they are the ones who feel all sex is good?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Or men are reluctant to just come out and say it.
> 
> I won't say it specifically about the men on TAM, but I'd wager a bet that the same men who lambaste women for getting their rocks off with the bad boys then settling down with Harvey Milquetoaste after duping the poor sap into thinking she actually loves him... are often the same fellas who aren't gonna' fess up that their wife isn't their hottest encounter either.
> 
> No shortage of double standards out there.


Hmmm...

With the men on this thread at least, I'm guessing this isn't quite the issue. Because the ones here who "don't know" are saying they don't know how to quantify or compare.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Wazza said:


> Is that really just a man thing? Don’t women want to be “the one” sexually, emotionally or whatever? I would have said it’s normal human insecurity.


I have only heard one female friend get weird about being the "best", and this friend was just weird in general, jealous, always insecure, etc. so it made sense that she can't deal with not being the best.

Other than her, female friends of mine have not reported feeling the need to be the best or whatever. Or maybe they just knew they were the best? I am not sure but they did not talk about it that way.


----------



## 269370

Talk2Me said:


> Read up on sex and don't be afraid to try new things. I try to mix things up whenever I can. Just last night going down on her I tried something new and she absolutely loved it. Learn to make her squirt I'm sure other lovers haven't done that before or very few have. I've purchased tutorials over the years to learn how to do it. IT WORKS!!!!!



And? Go on, share. Don’t be shy. How does one make a wimmins squirt?
I managed to do it once...Maybe that was by mistake...but I wasn’t able to replicate it again (though I haven’t been trying).
I think you need to rub it really hard and make her feel really uncomfortable....then maybe the genie might come out of the bottle.
Alternatively, make her apply for a job at The Brazzers company and make some movies; they always seem to manage in the movies somehow. The wimmins there are just walking squirt machines. If there’s ever a draught in the country, that’s what you use to make the plants all green again.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370

personofinterest said:


> I completely agree. It's like squirting and anal are the 2 absolute barometers for a man's ego. It's kind of weird and silly in my opinion.
> 
> My husband regularly blows my mind. I won't get specific, but oh my word! However, he never really talked about it or talks about it, and less we occasion only flirt and he is saying things tongue in cheek. I did date to people who brag about how awesome they were. Let's just say they were legends in their own minds, but not in mine lol



I am the best at not bragging at how good I am at cunning lingus. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370

Deejo said:


> That about it?



Yep



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370

Deejo said:


> Yeah ... but I do know who my best lover was. I'll need to reread. Is it really that confusing for men?
> 
> 
> 
> Are we categorizing?
> 
> 
> 
> I had a partner who could consistently get me off in less than 5 minutes, every time ... which was truly shocking to me, having DE. But I would not say she was my best lover.
> 
> 
> 
> Man, sex is weird.



I definitely know who my best lover was. And he is for sure not the one with the ‘best skills’.
(I meant she). We were both ‘beginners’ but I have had some experience (other than PIV) before with some crazy girls that must have watched too much porn or maybe tried to please too hard, with some ridiculously good skills but it just didn’t do it for me.
I didn’t feel anything other than a tickling sensation in my ****.

How am I supposed to classify my wife, whose skills were non existent to begin with, but then she grew into an extremely skilful sex machine over time. 

Except none of it matters, because I started to have feelings for her in other places, not just my ****, as soon as we met. I cannot really divorce my perception of her skills from my subjective feelings towards her. Therefore the question itself feels non sensical to me.
What am I doing wrong?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Laurentium

Faithful Wife said:


> Women on this thread definitely know who their best lover was, but men on this thread do not.


I'd agree with that. I thought about the partners I've had sex with, and it wasn't at all obvious to me. 
It's a bit like asking "what's the best meal you've ever had?" or "what's the nicest place you've ever been?".
It depends how you look at it.


----------



## 269370

Laurentium said:


> I'd agree with that. I thought about the partners I've had sex with, and it wasn't at all obvious to me.
> 
> It's a bit like asking "what's the best meal you've ever had?" or "what's the nicest place you've ever been?".
> 
> It depends how you look at it.




Isn’t it simply to do with the fact that there seem to be a lot more women that are single here than there are single men? Most married women seem to be saying the same thing as most married men: that the best sex they ever had was with their current partner.
Which makes sense.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife

Laurentium said:


> I'd agree with that. I thought about the partners I've had sex with, and it wasn't at all obvious to me.
> It's a bit like asking "what's the best meal you've ever had?" or "what's the nicest place you've ever been?".
> It depends how you look at it.


I responded earlier to a similar post.

For me..."best meal I've ever had" is going to be chosen from something like 25,000 meals, give or take.

Yet I will only ever have a small number of lovers.

If I only had 10 meals in my life, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to identify which was my favorite.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Laurentium said:


> I'd agree with that. I thought about the partners I've had sex with, and it wasn't at all obvious to me.
> It's a bit like asking "what's the best meal you've ever had?" or "what's the nicest place you've ever been?".
> It depends how you look at it.


Indeed. There's no way I could pick a single favorite restaurant or a single favorite bike trail. So many have so much to offer. 

Of course my sexual experience is much, much more limited, so it's hard to say. I do like the analogy though.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Okay, so another man butting in here, and probably not a very useful one given my inexperience. 

Grand total of three, only one of whom has been intercourse.

But at this point, I'm pretty comfortable saying I didn't marry my best sex partner.

The previous LTR only reached heavy petting. It was the first time I'd had my had my hand inside, and ditto for her. But even without me knowing what I was doing, she came pretty hard.... surprised her too. 

I've never had that strength of reaction from my wife via any form of sex. She is not demonstrative at all. 

I'd have to say that one of my criteria for the title of "best partner" would have to be how she responds when I'm giving it my all. Sadly, my wife has never inspired me in such a way.


----------



## 269370

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> It was the first time I'd had my had my hand inside, and ditto for her.
> 
> 
> 
> I'd have to say that one of my criteria for the title of "best partner" would have to be how she responds when I'm giving it my all. Sadly, my wife has never inspired me in such a way.



Is it the head or the hand that you put inside of her?  just trying to picture either...Was the moaning maybe from pain? 

Some women don’t show as much of a reaction, some women pretend to have a stronger reaction than there really is, and some women do feel more in that department, that is probably true.


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----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Their best sex partner don't want them!


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

InMyPrime said:


> Is it the head or the hand that you put inside of her?  just trying to picture either...Was the moaning maybe from pain?
> 
> Some women don’t show as much of a reaction, some women pretend to have a stronger reaction than there really is, and some women do feel more in that department, that is probably true.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


To be accurate, it was fingers.

It wasn't so much a moan as it was a squeal.

No, she wasnt exaggerating. Hell, she barely even knew what was happening.


----------



## Buddy400

dadstartingover said:


> From MY experience, this seems to be the norm for sexually experienced women. They recognize that their brief experience with hot Mimbo that one summer years ago was the most passionate and erotic time of their life, but they also recognize that they would never marry a man like that in a million years. It's what I often refer to as the Lover vs. Provider dynamic.
> 
> There's zero wrong with that... but I will tell women that you should NEVER tell your current hubs that he is seen as more of a Provider and that Biff the lifeguard from back in 1998 was the best Lover ever.


THIS is the problem. While some women may be happy choosing the provider over the lover, the husband to be won't be happy about it. This also means that any woman making this choice should find the husband to be someone she's actually willing to have enthusiastic sex with. If not, the marriage isn't going to work for her the way she hoped.



dadstartingover said:


> Husbands always think that they're the super Lover extraordinaire and that his perfect wife would never think otherwise.


I don't think men are THAT naive, but plausible deniability will do.



dadstartingover said:


> That's why guys who find dirty pictures online or the video of his wife doing crazy things with other men (things she always said were "gross" to her) are so devastated. Every dude wants to be THE Lover.


I suspect this only happens in troll posts to reddit.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Buddy400 said:


> dadstartingover said:
> 
> 
> 
> From MY experience, this seems to be the norm for sexually experienced women. They recognize that their brief experience with hot Mimbo that one summer years ago was the most passionate and erotic time of their life, but they also recognize that they would never marry a man like that in a million years. It's what I often refer to as the Lover vs. Provider dynamic.
> 
> There's zero wrong with that... but I will tell women that you should NEVER tell your current hubs that he is seen as more of a Provider and that Biff the lifeguard from back in 1998 was the best Lover ever.
> 
> 
> 
> THIS is the problem. While some women may be happy choosing the provider over the lover, the husband to be won't be happy about it. This also means that any woman making this choice should find the husband to be someone she's actually willing to have enthusiastic sex with. If not, the marriage isn't going to work for her the way she hoped.
Click to expand...

Yes! And so the obvious answer is for her to get her own damn money and marry the hunk.

A surprisingly high number of hunks actually have jobs and are good partners as well. 

The thing is, some of you don’t know you are hunks. So when I say things like this you may assume I mean that mythical 20%. But I actually mean every day boy next door hunks.

Actually, IMO, nearly every man is this until or unless he lets himself go physically. All you have to do is be man shaped and we see you.


----------



## Buddy400

Faithful Wife said:


> It is curious that the women reporting on this thread seem to be very clear about who was their best lover, but the men are not as clear on this.
> 
> Not sure why this would be.


This, no doubt, is why men seem to be the ones most concerned about it.

Maybe it's because men don't often actually think things like "well she's lame in the sack but I married her because she's frugal and I thought she'd make a good mother".


----------



## Buddy400

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't know why some of the men are having trouble understanding the concept. Perhaps they are the ones who feel all sex is good?


My guess would be that men are easier to please in general. Mentally and physically.

Also in specific (because there is less variance in women's sexual capabilities). 

Men can have ED, PE, PA, DE, too big, too small, too thick, too thin, etc.


----------



## Buddy400

Faithful Wife said:


> I have only heard one female friend get weird about being the "best", and this friend was just weird in general, jealous, always insecure, etc. so it made sense that she can't deal with not being the best.
> 
> Other than her, female friends of mine have not reported feeling the need to be the best or whatever. Or maybe they just knew they were the best? I am not sure but they did not talk about it that way.


Or, they knew that, as long as they were GGG, that was enough for most men.


----------



## Buddy400

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Their best sex partner don't want them!


It is certainly possible that this is sometimes the case, *but *there's a lot of articles out there (by women) recommending that women NOT marry the "best sex" guy.


----------



## uhtred

There seems an underlying assumption that the best looking men are the best in bed. Is that actually close to true?


----------



## Personal

Talk2Me said:


> Learn to make her squirt I'm sure other lovers haven't done that before or very few have.


Relating from my experience with different women.

Squirting isn't always coincident with having an orgasm and there are some women who are uncomfortable and embarrassed on the occasions it happens to them.

Sure some women are fine with it and like it, yet such prescriptive recommendations don't account for who the person is.

Likewise getting a woman to squirt isn't an amazing achievement. It can happen quite by accident during penetrative sex, when one comes in at the right angle and cadence. In combination with her position and movement.


----------



## Buddy400

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes! And so the obvious answer is for her to get her own damn money and marry the hunk.
> 
> A surprisingly high number of hunks actually have jobs and are good partners as well.
> 
> The thing is, some of you don’t know you are hunks. So when I say things like this you may assume I mean that mythical 20%. But I actually mean every day boy next door hunks.
> 
> Actually, IMO, nearly every man is this until or unless he lets himself go physically. All you have to do is be man shaped and we see you.


I think it is perfectly reasonable for someone NOT to marry the person they've had the best sex with (or, who is the "hottest" / "hunkiest") and to choose a partner based on other factors.

Guys do this all the time (i.e. "she was great in the sack, but there's no way I'd ever marry her") and it makes perfect sense that women would as well.

The difference is that, as far as I know, the guys still want to have sex with their wives and the women don't have a complex about being the "best" in bed, because they generally know they can sexually satisfy their partner. 

I'd recommend that women make sure that they are at least sexually attracted to any potential husband, keep quiet about the "best in bed" situation and make sure that he's at least "good enough" for her.

I'd recommend that men try hard to be as good in bed as they can, assume that their wife enjoyed sex with other men who, perhaps, had bigger penises but avoid bringing up the topic so that there's still the _possibility_ that he really could be the best.

Sure, it means stroking the fragile male ego a bit, but it's not like men don't stroke feminine egos from time to time.

BTW, personally, my wife had plenty of sex with other men before dating me. I've never asked for details (and have asked her not to volunteer any). I've never specifically let her know that the issue matters to me (it does, somewhat). She has often volunteered the information that I'm the best ever (by far), usually in the aftermath (not in response to my asking). I'm pretty sure I believe her, but I could live with plausible deniability.


----------



## Faithful Wife

uhtred said:


> There seems an underlying assumption that the best looking men are the best in bed. Is that actually close to true?


Well not to me. It may be true to some but “best looking” alone could not carry the title of “best in bed”.

What is true though is that if I don’t feel strong sexual attraction towards my lover, which does include how physically attracted I am to him, then the sex will not be as good.

So there could be a good lover but if I’m not also attracted to him, he’s not for me.

Or an attractive man but if he’s not a good lover, then he’s not for me.

Attractive to me is of course subjective. But I think most men who are at least reasonably fit and groomed are more attractive than they know.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Buddy400 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> It is curious that the women reporting on this thread seem to be very clear about who was their best lover, but the men are not as clear on this.
> 
> Not sure why this would be.
> 
> 
> 
> This, no doubt, is why men seem to be the ones most concerned about it.
> 
> Maybe it's because men don't often actually think things like "well she's lame in the sack but I married her because she's frugal and I thought she'd make a good mother".
Click to expand...

Except we actually have men saying that here every day.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Buddy400 said:


> Also in specific (because there is less variance in women's sexual capabilities). .


To me capabilities would include the ability to engage fully and not be all balled up inside yourself during sex. To actually be present and engaged.

Since some women (according to TAM legend it would be quite a lot of women) can apparently do no more than lay in starfish position and stare at the ceiling until it’s over...and other women can be driving the whole encounter forward with her enthusiasm and eroticism, I would say there is quite a variance in women’s capabilities. And that’s not even starting on specific sexual skills and the variances there.

Maybe some men have not experienced enough of a variance between lovers to pick one over another. Maybe all were somewhere on top of a bell curve.

Men I have been with have reported a huge variance in women’s sexual skill, talent, ability, etc. These would be men with some amount of lovers, not crazy amounts but enough to say some were way better than others.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Buddy400 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes! And so the obvious answer is for her to get her own damn money and marry the hunk.
> 
> A surprisingly high number of hunks actually have jobs and are good partners as well.
> 
> The thing is, some of you don’t know you are hunks. So when I say things like this you may assume I mean that mythical 20%. But I actually mean every day boy next door hunks.
> 
> Actually, IMO, nearly every man is this until or unless he lets himself go physically. All you have to do is be man shaped and we see you.
> 
> 
> 
> I think it is perfectly reasonable for someone NOT to marry the person they've had the best sex with (or, who is the "hottest" / "hunkiest") and to choose a partner based on other factors.
> 
> Guys do this all the time (i.e. "she was great in the sack, but there's no way I'd ever marry her") and it makes perfect sense that women would as well.
> 
> The difference is that, as far as I know, the guys still want to have sex with their wives and the women don't have a complex about being the "best" in bed, because they generally know they can sexually satisfy their partner.
> 
> I'd recommend that women make sure that they are at least sexually attracted to any potential husband, keep quiet about the "best in bed" situation and make sure that he's at least "good enough" for her.
> 
> I'd recommend that men try hard to be as good in bed as they can, assume that their wife enjoyed sex with other men who, perhaps, had bigger penises but avoid bringing up the topic so that there's still the _possibility_ that he really could be the best.
> 
> Sure, it means stroking the fragile male ego a bit, but it's not like men don't stroke feminine egos from time to time.
> 
> BTW, personally, my wife had plenty of sex with other men before dating me. I've never asked for details (and have asked her not to volunteer any). I've never specifically let her know that the issue matters to me (it does, somewhat). She has often volunteered the information that I'm the best ever (by far), usually in the aftermath (not in response to my asking). I'm pretty sure I believe her, but I could live with plausible deniability.
Click to expand...

Is she your best?


----------



## Buddy400

Faithful Wife said:


> Except we actually have men saying that here every day.


Yes, we have guys saying "She's lame in the sack" and "she's a great mother" but.........

I think our disconnect is that guy's aren't saying that *before* choosing to marry their wives.

Either they were not previously "lame in the sack" or (for some inexplicable reason) they expected their wives to change.

So guys don't marry women who they *know* will be lame in the sack (because the man prioritizes stability over sex).

On the other hand, _some_ women *do* marry men knowing that they are, and will continue to be, lame in the sack.


----------



## Buddy400

Faithful Wife said:


> Is she your best?


In typical man-like fashion, I can't really distinguish what "best" would consist of.

I *am* fully satisfied with our sex life. And there is no question that this is, by far, my best relationship.

Also, she has never shown any indication that this matters to her.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Buddy400 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Except we actually have men saying that here every day.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, we have guys saying "She's lame in the sack" and "she's a great mother" but.........
> 
> I think our disconnect is that guy's aren't saying that *before* choosing to marry their wives.
> 
> Either they were not previously "lame in the sack" or (for some inexplicable reason) they expected their wives to change.
> 
> So guys don't marry women who they *know* will be lame in the sack (because the man prioritizes stability over sex).
> 
> On the other hand, _some_ women *do* marry men knowing that they are, and will continue to be, lame in the sack.
Click to expand...

But so many guys marry the first or second girl, and know nothing about sex themselves, and so in those cases, no I would not call his blind hope that somehow sex would be amazing him making it a priority. And so many of them recognize now that they should have prioritized sex much more and differently than they did.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Buddy400 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> Is she your best?
> 
> 
> 
> In typical man-like fashion, I can't really distinguish what "best" would consist of.
> 
> I *am* fully satisfied with our sex life. And there is no question that this is, by far, my best relationship.
> 
> Also, she has never shown any indication that this matters to her.
Click to expand...

How about I ask this way...don’t give me a real number, I will just give you a fake number and you can calculate an adjustment for it in an answer.

Let’s say you had 10 total lovers in your life up to now.

Would you say that any one of them was far more passionate than the others?

Or would you say they were all within a range of passionate to where it seemed roughly the same to you.


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## Faithful Wife

I’ll do a similar answer and my fake number is also 10.

To the question was any one of them far more passionate. Yes my exh was, however I would rank at least 3 others as very to extremely passionate. The 6 remaining I could rank from 1 to 6 in passion, the 1 being very much a sit there and let me do all the work type and the 6 being pretty good at passion just not quite in that top category.

There is more to who is best lover, but this was just to give an idea of how I would rank just this item. 

Then there are other areas they get ranked and the overall score is best lover.

Points can be given or removed for things we may never be able to describe on such a ranking list, but they are still ranked by the list.

This isn’t something I consciously think about. It’s stored information available already by my past deduction of who is best. And that was basically decided in every moment. And it is never forgotten, but it’s also not dug up all the time.


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## 269370

uhtred said:


> There seems an underlying assumption that the best looking men are the best in bed. Is that actually close to true?



Best at what? Snoring? There are more assumptions that I have trouble mapping into the real world: that most women like hunks...In my experience, there’s a lot more variety in what women like in a man than vice versa or am I being naive and they all secretly like big, hunky (overweight?) men?




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## 269370

Buddy400 said:


> In typical man-like fashion, I can't really distinguish what "best" would consist of.



I don’t think it’s ‘man-like’. For people where sex matters the most, ranking by who was best in bed will be easier. Just like for people where money matters the most, it will be easier to rank people on that measure. Or for people where personality traits are more important, it will be easier to say ‘he was the nicest guy I ever dated’. I dunno. Different things matter to different people but mostly, it’s a combination of things.



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## Wazza

Faithful Wife said:


> I have only heard one female friend get weird about being the "best", and this friend was just weird in general, jealous, always insecure, etc. so it made sense that she can't deal with not being the best.
> 
> Other than her, female friends of mine have not reported feeling the need to be the best or whatever. Or maybe they just knew they were the best? I am not sure but they did not talk about it that way.


If I took you out for a date* and commented on how attractive som other girls was, how would it go down? I think we all want to be special.

* Not asking you out, just posing a hypothetical for research purposes!!


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## personofinterest

Wazza said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have only heard one female friend get weird about being the "best", and this friend was just weird in general, jealous, always insecure, etc. so it made sense that she can't deal with not being the best.
> 
> Other than her, female friends of mine have not reported feeling the need to be the best or whatever. Or maybe they just knew they were the best? I am not sure but they did not talk about it that way.
> 
> 
> 
> If I took you out for a date* and commented on how attractive som other girls was, how would it go down? I think we all want to be special.
> 
> * Not asking you out, just posing a hypothetical for research purposes!!
Click to expand...

 If you voluntarily told me that another woman was more attractive, it would probably hurt my feelings. If I outright ask you if any women in the restaurant were prettier than me, then I am an idiot and I deserve whatever answer I get lol


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## 269370

personofinterest said:


> If you voluntarily told me that another woman was more attractive, it would probably hurt my feelings. If I outright ask you if any women in the restaurant were prettier than me, then I am an idiot and I deserve whatever answer I get lol



You just poison the rest of the pretty female clientele and ask again: mirror, mirror on the wall....etc.
Seems to have worked according to historical documents...Then have sex with the dwarfs (except Sneezy: he’s beta. Oh and grumpy is a bit too Red Pill, just fyi).


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## wild jade

Buddy400 said:


> Yes, we have guys saying "She's lame in the sack" and "she's a great mother" but.........
> 
> I think our disconnect is that guy's aren't saying that *before* choosing to marry their wives.
> 
> Either they were not previously "lame in the sack" or (for some inexplicable reason) they expected their wives to change.
> 
> So guys don't marry women who they *know* will be lame in the sack (because the man prioritizes stability over sex).
> 
> On the other hand, _some_ women *do* marry men knowing that they are, and will continue to be, lame in the sack.


Don't think that's true, Buddy. The way I've most often heard it phrased is there's the woman you want to **** and the woman you want to bring home to mother.


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## personofinterest

InMyPrime said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> If you voluntarily told me that another woman was more attractive, it would probably hurt my feelings. If I outright ask you if any women in the restaurant were prettier than me, then I am an idiot and I deserve whatever answer I get lol
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You just poison the rest of the pretty female clientele and ask again: mirror, mirror on the wall....etc.
> Seems to have worked according to historical documents...Then have sex with the dwarves.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Walt Disney just rolled over in his grave lol


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## wild jade

InMyPrime said:


> Best at what? Snoring? There are more assumptions that I have trouble mapping into the real world: that most women like hunks...In my experience, there’s a lot more variety in what women like in a man than vice versa or am I being naive and they all secretly like big, hunky (overweight?) men?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Hunky doesn't mean overweight, it means good looking. And I'd agree there's a pretty big variety in what women consider good looking -- but there are definitely some looks that are overall more popular than others.


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## 269370

wild jade said:


> Don't think that's true, Buddy. The way I've most often heard it phrased is there's the woman you want to **** and the woman you want to bring home to mother.



Then there is the MILF...(I recommend )


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## wild jade

InMyPrime said:


> Then there is the MILF...(I recommend )
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Okay, but there's still a difference between *a* mother and *the* mother that you would bring a gf home to ....


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## TheDudeLebowski

wild jade said:


> Don't think that's true, Buddy. The way I've most often heard it phrased is there's the woman you want to **** and the woman you want to bring home to mother.


Who says that? No, we say we want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. That is the woman we bring home.


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## Faithful Wife

Wazza said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have only heard one female friend get weird about being the "best", and this friend was just weird in general, jealous, always insecure, etc. so it made sense that she can't deal with not being the best.
> 
> Other than her, female friends of mine have not reported feeling the need to be the best or whatever. Or maybe they just knew they were the best? I am not sure but they did not talk about it that way.
> 
> 
> 
> If I took you out for a date* and commented on how attractive som other girls was, how would it go down? I think we all want to be special.
> 
> * Not asking you out, just posing a hypothetical for research purposes!!
Click to expand...

We must be misunderstanding each other.

When speaking about my friends I was just meaning what we as friends say to each other. So I’m not sure how that translates to being on a date and the guy commenting on other women?


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## wild jade

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Who says that? No, we say we want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. That is the woman we bring home.


You've never heard the expression "a girl you could bring home to mother"? 

Maybe it's too old fashioned now, but it was for sure a thing. Even your expression "a lady in the streets" shows that the need for social acceptability/stability is not just a woman thing like Buddy was suggesting.

ETA: If y'all were bringing home the freak in the sheets, half of TAM would no longer exist. Maybe more. Just sayin'


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## personofinterest

wild jade said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> 
> Who says that? No, we say we want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. That is the woman we bring home.
> 
> 
> 
> You've never heard the expression "a girl you could bring home to mother"?
> 
> Maybe it's too old fashioned now, but it was for sure a thing. Even your expression "a lady in the streets" shows that the need for social acceptability/stability is not just a woman thing like Buddy was suggesting.
> 
> ETA: If y'all were bringing home the freak in the sheets, half of TAM would no longer exist. Maybe more. Just sayin'
Click to expand...

 It was definitely a thing. In fact, around here people still say that . I 1st heard it as a teenager when my mom told me to try to make me feel better about never having many dates haha


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## TheDudeLebowski

wild jade said:


> ETA: If y'all were bringing home the freak in the sheets, half of TAM would no longer exist. Maybe more. Just sayin'


:lol: :grin2: :crying:


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## uhtred

Lots of different men saying lots of different things.



Faithful Wife said:


> Except we actually have men saying that here every day.


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## uhtred

This!

Don't ask questions if you don't want to hear an honest answer. 



personofinterest said:


> If you voluntarily told me that another woman was more attractive, it would probably hurt my feelings. If I outright ask you if any women in the restaurant were prettier than me, then I am an idiot and I deserve whatever answer I get lol


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## uhtred

Do women marry their best sex partner?
Do women marry their best endowed partner?
Do women marry their most intelligent partner?
Do women marry their most athletic partner?
Do women marry their most physically attractive partner
Do women marry their partner who is the best leader

etc etc

No one can imagine that its possible to marry someone who was the best at everything.

Actually if I had to pick, being the best sex partner while important isn't the thing I would most want to be.


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## uhtred

Not disagreeing but I think that there is more variation than many people realize in what men like as well. 

I think media paints this picture of the "perfect" person that everyone desires - but I think reality has a lot more range. 





InMyPrime said:


> Best at what? Snoring? There are more assumptions that I have trouble mapping into the real world: that most women like hunks...In my experience, there’s a lot more variety in what women like in a man than vice versa or am I being naive and they all secretly like big, hunky (overweight?) men?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married

I wonder how many pages this dumb topic can get beat to death for.


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## Faithful Wife

uhtred said:


> This!
> 
> Don't ask questions if you don't want to hear an honest answer.
> 
> 
> 
> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> If you voluntarily told me that another woman was more attractive, it would probably hurt my feelings. If I outright ask you if any women in the restaurant were prettier than me, then I am an idiot and I deserve whatever answer I get lol
Click to expand...

I’m confused still.

With the issue of whether women marry their best sex partner or not, we discussed this all different ways, but no one has said that women are just blatantly telling their husband about her previous better lovers. No women here are in any way advocating telling a man that a previous lover was better. Some of us have described cases where it has come up though, always because the current lover asked questions or the topic somehow gets brought up.

Then I mentioned that my girlfriends over the years have not discussed the feeling that they hope they are his best lover. It seems it may be less important to women, or that we just don’t ask or whatever.

Then wazza said what if we are on a date and I talk about more beautiful women.

I’m lost. I don’t see how this is connected.

When it comes down to just commenting on other beautiful people, I think both men and women do this and sometimes it is rude and sometimes it isn’t (depends on context and on the couple).


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## 269370

Mr.Married said:


> I wonder how many pages this dumb topic can get beat to death for.



I’m going to beat it until I have had sex with a hunk and understood what it’s all about...
Till then, I’m beating it (with both hands)...


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## 269370

Why is it that whenever I tell a woman that she is beautiful I get a smile, and whenever I tell a man that he is beautiful, I get a blue eye?
Don’t all people deserve to be told they are beautiful?


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## personofinterest

Faithful Wife said:


> I’m confused still.
> 
> With the issue of whether women marry their best sex partner or not, we discussed this all different ways, but no one has said that women are just blatantly telling their husband about her previous better lovers. No women here are in any way advocating telling a man that a previous lover was better. Some of us have described cases where it has come up though, always because the current lover asked questions or the topic somehow gets brought up.
> 
> Then I mentioned that my girlfriends over the years have not discussed the feeling that they hope they are his best lover. It seems it may be less important to women, or that we just don’t ask or whatever.
> 
> Then wazza said what if we are on a date and I talk about more beautiful women.
> 
> I’m lost. I don’t see how this is connected.
> 
> When it comes down to just commenting on other beautiful people, I think both men and women do this and sometimes it is rude and sometimes it isn’t (depends on context and on the couple).


Honestly, I think it's just a desperate attempt to somehow make the topic relevant and paint women in a bad light. I cannot imagine there are many women who would just walk up and say "You know, honey, I'm glad a married you, but you're not my best." This knowledge is only out there because some insecure ego-fragile dude asked "Honey, am I the best sex you ever had?" And she told him the truth, and he can't handle it because he is a "beta" who thinks he is "alpha," and wants to blame women as a smokescreen.


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## 269370

personofinterest said:


> Honestly, I think it's just a desperate attempt to somehow make the topic relevant and paint women in a bad light. I cannot imagine there are many women who would just walk up and say "You know, honey, I'm glad a married you, but you're not my best." This knowledge is only out there because some insecure ego-fragile dude asked "Honey, am I the best sex you ever had?" And she told him the truth, and he can't handle it because he is a "beta" who thinks he is "alpha," and wants to blame women as a smokescreen.



I’m glad you are not my shrink. I would probably cry after every session  


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## Blondilocks

Mr.Married said:


> I wonder how many pages this dumb topic can get beat to death for.


Hang on for the ride - it's just getting started.:grin2:


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## personofinterest

InMyPrime said:


> I’m glad you are not my shrink. I would probably cry after every session
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Crying is good for you. It clears the sinuses.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

personofinterest said:


> Crying is good for you. It clears the sinuses.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfmVBmDKLZI


I love that commercial!


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## Mr.Married

And now for an intermission:



Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to enjoy his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he was introduced to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty absolutely took his breath away!

Smitten with her beauty, handing her his business card he said, "I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The gorgeous woman was Impressed and took his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Lesson: Women are better estate planners.


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## Dughis

I think that some do, some don't. However, women still choose a person who is close to them from a sexual point of view. They choose a person who shares the same fetish, the same fantasies, and so forth. I had been married two times, both times unsuccessful. I know that it was my fault; I do not blame anyone else here. I cheated on both of my wives. I just cannot be loyal. When I cheated on my second wife, I did not even understand how it happened. I entered aurumgirls.co.uk by mistake, called for a girl. And it happened.


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## moulinyx

I mean, I guess some do? But I believe most women marry the best overall match. Sex that was once great can take a turn if the relationship is suffering. I also think mediocre sex improved with connection and practice as well. For me, better sex always boiled down to connection. If my mind wasn't stimulated....then nothing else was either. I feel more enthusiastic with a partner who initiates and takes the lead. Meek and mild is a total turn off and would not lead to anything exciting from me.


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