# My Husband told me to find sex elsewwhere and I fell in love



## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

My husband and I are married with 4 daughters. He informed me he is no longer interested in having sex (with me or anyone). He has pushed me to seek my sexual gratification elsewhere.
The issue here is I refused to do this for several years. One day I connected with someone. We have become very close and it eventually developed into a sexual relationship. I was open and honest from the start about mt marriage and my refusal to divorce.
Now I have fallen in love with this man. Of course this is so cliche. But I am really torn. 
What do I do now?:scratchhead:


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## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

We have been married 18yrs. All our children are mostly grown.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Did you never try to talk to your husband about why he wanted you to seek it elsewhere? he just up and told you he didn't want sex with you anymore and for you to go find is some place else, with no explanation why, and you didn't ask? You just didn't have sex for several years and then you met someone? 

Whats your husband doing for sex? Nothing at all? He has no desires or anything? How is everything else in your marriage other than sex?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Why are you torn? What makes you want to stay in the marriage?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

well it sounds like you have already done it is this what you want an open marriage ??? is your husband ok with that ?? are you ok with that ?? if so then continiue on if this isnt what either party wants then it would be time to make a decision in my opinion 

Good Luck


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Since your husband is ok with what you are doing and you did it, what are you torn about? Is it that you didn't think it out past the part that you could fall for your FWB? 

What do you do now? Break it off with one of them. I'd vote for your husband for giving you away and not protecting your heart.


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## izzy123 (Aug 23, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Since your husband is ok with what your doing and you did it, what are you torn about?


Simple - people are not toaster ovens that can be used and discarded when broken.

Sounds to me like both you and your a-sexual husband have major issues to deal with, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

izzy123 said:


> Simple - people are not toaster ovens that can be used and discarded when broken.


Sorry, you didn't get my attempt at sarcasm. But it does seem her husband has discarded her.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You found sex elsewhere and you fell in love. Why are you still with your husband?

Is it a money thing? Maybe your kids are not all out of the house yet and you want to wait till they are gone?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Tell your husband and begin the divorce proceedings. I don't know what else you could do really.


Word to the wise however, men who have sex with married women, even under your arrangement with your husband, aren't exactly the most moral people in the world. I'd seriously doubt whether he's relationship material. Nevertheless, your Husband made his bed in my opinion.


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## iammama (Aug 22, 2012)

My husband is an alcoholic. He would rather be in his bottle than anything else. At this point I just feel like I am abandoning him. He has always been a good husband and provider, The alcohol has taken over. He works, drinks, eats and then sleeps wherever he is. I have even found him in his truck in freezing weather because he has passed out. Trying to have sex takes to much energy is always his excuse.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

iammama, I'm sorry for you. This explains why you have been able to find emotional attention elsewhere. You have lost respect for your husband. 

First, have you been to an  Al-Anon Family Groups meeting? Find one near you. You will be welcomed by those there who understand what your going through. They are waiting and they will help.

Next, put the OM on hold till you conclude your marriage and move on from your husband.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

So you're having cold feet? 
You can never save someone with an addiction problem. He has to pro actively take steps to fix his life.

If you confess to him your new found feelings, it can have three consequences. 
1) It'll completely crush him and he'll sink deeper into his alcoholism 
2) It will be a wake up call to him and he'd do anything to get you back, including getting sober. 
3)he'll be apathetic


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Does your husband know that you actually went out and found someone for sex?

Does he also know that now you've fallen in love with the OM?

Why no divorce? You really don't have a marriage anyway


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

iammama said:


> Thank you for all the responses to my issue. I really think I have made a decision. I will stay in my marriage and will deal with this as it comes up. Right now there is no one I would like to have sex with but if the time comes I will make the best choice.


You wrote this in your other thread on the 8/24, last Friday. You met your OM, had sex and fell for him over the weekend? A ONS? Sounds like you have been asking for advice a bit late. I mean you well with this advice, forget your husband, get yourself into IC and find an Al-Anon meeting.


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## izzy123 (Aug 23, 2012)

iammama said:


> My husband is an alcoholic. He would rather be in his bottle than anything else. At this point I just feel like I am abandoning him. He has always been a good husband and provider, The alcohol has taken over. He works, drinks, eats and then sleeps wherever he is. I have even found him in his truck in freezing weather because he has passed out. Trying to have sex takes to much energy is always his excuse.


Got it. He's sick and needs help. You are not helping by staying married on the one hand, but letting off the hook of sex on the other. Only tough love will help him. You should have slapped him on the face when he told you to go out and have an affair.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I will second what some of the others have said. You can't save him. Only he can try to save himself. I also recommend checking out local alanon meetings in your area. You're not really abandoning him, you are saving yourself. Its all you can do. You could still be there for him if you wanted from afar, doesn't mean you have to live in the same house with him.


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