# When & how does Separation start? Legality of it...



## annpurrs (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi all...am new here...need some advice on separation...

If looking to divorce based on 3 years separation, when and how does the separation start? I read some people say need to file for deed of separation and some people say don’t need to file, the deed of separation wont be of much use. 

So need to file for separation? If don’t file, how would the court know when the 3 years separation started? Do we physically separate for 3 years first, then 3 years later file for divorce, or have to do something now first? Need any proof? If don’t file, it feels like it’s up to us to tell the court when the separation started. Doesn’t sound quite right. 

I’m contemplating separating from my husband but don’t know how to go about it. Am trying to keep costs to minimum so don’t want to go to a lawyer unnecessarily. 

Would appreciate if any of you can advice. Thanks!


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## annpurrs (Jul 25, 2011)

We were college lovers...met each other in university...i never had a serious r/s until i met him, never quite been able to commit or just couldnt meet the right guy. He came out of a long r/s. We both hit it off very well. It was passionate during our hot blooded courtship years of coz. It came a point in our r/s where he started working and I'm still studying and he started neglecting me. I'm lonely so I started seeing other men. I must say I have pretty healthy appetite of sex and intimacy which most men would want of their women. I just needed sex and I didnt wanna stress him. 

Then came a point we decided to get married. I decided to confess the past times which even if i didnt, he actually wouldnt even know. But i thought i wanna come clean with him if we really want to get married. He was very hurt but said he love me too much and is willing to let the past go. 

So we got married. 

And its almost like instanteously after we got married, the passion just died!! We are now married 4 years...we hadly had intimacy! We havent had sex for more than 10 times in 4 years...more like once a year on our anniversary trips. Cannot hug or passionate kiss. He just cant do it. He would push me away. I tried all ways to initiate. I did the same things...bought a lot of sexy lingerie, set up atmosphere and mood. Choose really relax day, make sure everything is in order. He surely wouldnt deny me. But no...he would reject me! And its not like he will tell me no i dont want to make love, he would literally roll off the bed when i tried touching him. He always say its work stress and hes tired. 

I give him benefit of doubt coz in initial years of our marriage he indeed went through a lot of work stress. But i waited for him patiently. Giving him a lot of room and space. Even in the miserable few times we could make out, he seems so uncomfortable and akward which makes me feel really bad. He wouldnt cuddle me, touch me or show any form of intimacy. Even when he knows full well I'm a very touchy person. I feel loved with touch and intimacy. 

Time after time of denial and rejection, I started to grow cold and resentful. I am very hurt. The funny thing is he does love me a lot a lot. He would be at my beck and call and would do everything to please and serve him. He would be the perfect husband that my whole family and every friend would adore. He would fetch me and send me to wherever i want anytime i want. Cooks for me, even lunches to work, cleans the house and laundry...everything! Everyone will tell me how blessed a woman I am. Of coz I didnt and couldnt go ard and tell people hes not having sex with me! 

So i always give him the credit that hes excellent in all other departments except intimacy. I bare with it, be very very patient. 

Then I couldnt take it anymore. I went through really down period. How could this man says he loves me so much but dont desire of me? Not wanting any part of me? I get very confused and disturbed! We quarreled a lot of times over this. He said he would change but time after time I'm still disappointed. But hes really a very good man in all aspects. I feel really lost. He provides for me in all other aspects. I dont know if i could leave him. 

So i decided that if its sex and intimacy that i want, i can go for one night stand. I will come home happy and satisfied. I wont stress him and prefect. So i did that for a while. Again, he didnt suspect anything. I was satisfied for a while. But growing increasingly very angry with him. Why must he put me through all this suffering? Why cant he just love me the way husbands should? Why must he be so nice that I cant leave him yet he dont appreciate or cherish me? Talking about this with him is useless coz each time he says he'll change he never. 

I never thought of leaving him earlier is also because i meet a lot of jerks more than good guys which made me believe leaving my hub wont make me happier either. 

Until a few months ago, i met an excellent guy. We hit it off in every aspect. in and out of bed. its mind boggling. and hes exceptional and not just out to play and he loves me a lot. Becoz of this guy, he made me see that there are such men out there who could love me for who I am! But i still wasnt prepared to leave my husband. 

Then my husband found out about us when he picked up my phone one day. His world came crashing down. But he said he loves me a lot and is willing to let the past go if I wanna work out our marriage. he confessed that he has been holding on a lot in the past in terms of sex and he has realized its coz he hasnt really let go of my cheating before we got married. I'm furious and mad. why am i penalized for it for the 4 years we are married! if he couldnt let go he shouldnt have married me. married me then treating me so coldly...thats just brutal and cruel. 

cant blame me for seeking comfort elsewhere right. yes i shouldnt have. but i stuck it out for 4 years! and i have never quite been a commited faithful sort. 4 years is a longggg time!! constantly being denied by ur husband! imagine that. 

my feelings for him is completely eroded. 

after he found out that theres another man...and the marriage is on the rocks...he became very touchy and keep wanting to have sex. how disgusting is that!! he said he dont wanna hold back anymore. excuse me!! after all this...and my heart is no longer here! NOW suddenly he can do it...very funny...

I have no remorse for the affair...I am still very much in love with this guy but we decided not to see each other for time being until i sort things out. But i really dont wanna work out my marriage anymore. I'm just full of anger and resentment. 

And if the past 4 years of denial is coz of his unforgiveness...what makes him say that he can forget about all this when i cheated on him a 2nd time...he said he could...how can i believe!! 

what if i give him another chance...and he dragged me along for another few years!!! by then i'll be too old to go anywhere else!! is that fair?! we dont have children now...i dont wan to have kids with him when we have all this problems...so crazy! and i needed walk out before we have kids and its too late! 

but the whole world's against me right now. my family and friends adore him and cannot understand my pains. and yes its wrong of me to stray. my mistake is really not leaving him earlier...people kept telling me that i have made a vow and i should stick with it no matter what. i should try again. how to try again!!!! and i dont wanna waste time. i dont see how is this possible. i hate him for all the pains i went thru...now that my heart finally stops bleeding...he wanna get back! what rubbish! and yet, i'm like a sinner to people. which makes me even more angry! at same time, he also cant get past trust issues. then how to try again!!!! 

anyway i'm seriously considering separation and divorce. but yet i cant bare to do it. more coz of what people would say. everyone says I'll sure to regret letting go such a good man. i duno if i'm making a wrong decision. after all hes really a good man. and he said he'll try. i just dont have faith it'll work. and more importantly i dont even wanna face him now. 

lost! not sure what to do...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That all depends where you live. In some places, the date of separation is the day one person moves out. In others, you need a legal separation document drawn up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Separation/divorce laws are mandated by the statutory code of the state in which you live. You can get a book from Barnes & Noble, Amazon, or online that will give you templates of legal documents. I'm pretty sure one of the templates is an example of filing the initial complaint for divorce.

You say you have lived separately for three years. Do you know the exact date on which you separated? At this point, you can file a complaint, stipulate the date of separation, and file it with the court. Your spouse will be served with the complaint, and he has two weeks to respond (or not respond) to the complaint.

The way the court knows you have been living separate and apart is - and I'm assuming here - you both have different addresses. If your mail is going to a different address, that's verification that you aren't living with him. If you've changed the address on credit cards, bank accounts, driver's license ... all these indicate separate addresses.

I know of no state in which you have to live separate and apart for more than one year in order to file. In Maryland, it is one year and one day before a Complaint for Divorce can be filed with the court. In Virginia, it's six months. In Arizona, you don't even have to live apart. Yes, you two could actually live in the same house, file the complaint, and be granted a divorce in 90 days.

If you have any other questions, I'll try to answer them. Disclaimer: This response is in no way to be construed as giving legal advice. I am responding to you with answers to your questions, and supplying legal facts that are on record in the aforementioned states' statutory codes. These are only opinions.


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## annpurrs (Jul 25, 2011)

ohh thanks. sorry i've mistaken this for a local website! I'm writing from Singapore. Our law here needs couples to be married for at least 3 years before we can file for divorce. When file for divorce, need to prove that the marriage is irrevocable...either with adultery, abuse cases/neglect/absence...these cases are usually very ugly in court. So most people opt for separation for 3 years when both parties consent. If one party is not consent, it will be 4 years. 

This is really driving me crazy. The law here makes it really difficult for people to divorce. After so many years of waiting in disappointment, i still have to wait another 3 years before i truly get my freedom...

hiy...sad...


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