# Considering trial separation



## Scotsirish (Feb 14, 2014)

A year ago during MC, my wife revealed that her affair with her therapist lasted twice as long as she had previously led me to believe. Instead of 3 years, it had lasted 6 years before she said she ended it.
Over the past year I have really struggled with this revelation and it's implications (was our marriage a sham? did she not really love me? Did she stay with me for home comforts and rely on him for emotional comfort? How much can I really trust what she says to me?)
We have been in limbo for about 15 years and since her latest revelation, I have thought about doing a trial separation, since I am having trouble dealing with this issue. My reason is to distance myself so that perhaps I can gain some kind of perspective on what I want and need for myself going forward. What do you all think? Would a separation be helpful or not?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

If you want to work it out, I think any separation is a bad idea. You can't work on it if you are apart.

If you are leaning towards D, then maybe it would be the first step.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Take my word for it! There is no such animal called a "trial separation!" It's a nice catch phrase that sounds real nice that greatly implies that a reconciliation is going to happen!

Sounds good, but it ain't happening! A wayward spouse might say it ~ but they'll never mean it!

Translation: Separation: Gets the BS out of the picture so that the WS can continue to cheat! ~ Out of Sight/Out of Mind!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others. Most people who do "trial separations" divorce. You cannot fix something when you are not there to fix it.

You say that you have been in limbo for 15 years? Do you mean that you found out about her affair 15 years ago? Could you please clarify?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with the others. Most people who do "trial separations" divorce. You cannot fix something when you are not there to fix it.
> 
> 
> 
> You say that you have been in limbo for 15 years? Do you mean that you found out about her affair 15 years ago? Could you please clarify?



Found out about the 3 year affair 15 years ago. He found out 1 year ago that it was actually a 6 year affair.


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## Scotsirish (Feb 14, 2014)

Elegirl, WorkingonMe clarified my situation succinctly. What I get so far from the forum is that separation is probably not a good idea if we want to continue to "work" on the relationship, otherwise it is a step towards divorce. Thanks for the input.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Scotsirish 

My husband and I separated a little over 3 years ago.We are in touch 24/7. He has his own apt. I live in the martial home. He comes in and out a few times a month. We dont sleep together. We have been married 30+years, he cheated on me at the 28 yr. We both agree we had a good marriage and he fell into a "mid life crises"

He always wanted the marriage back. He has tried a lot of things. We have gotten closer as time as gone on, at the same time we have gotten a lot more apart too. We dont know our daily life, thou we talk on the phone or txt a zillion times a day. 
There is a coldest when we are together and do so much better when we talk apart. 

I look at him and realize I dont know who he is anymore, but I dont let him know who I am either really, that is because of the hurt in my marriage. If there was not, I could reach out and start to date him again while separated, and and it could be fun again. 

I like having my own space now, doing what I want when I want, I dont know if I want to give that up. Of course for me, I am not paying for anything, as he is still taking care of all bill as it always was. 

We separated with no boundaries set, stupid yes, and still none, so I have no idea if he has slept with other women or not. What would you think? 

It all depends on the goals of the separation.If you use it as single dating people who still have their own homes do, that is one thing, but if you are using it to get away... well you will get away ... 

~sammy


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Scot more importantly please tell me your reporting the therapist actions to the state, his license should be revoked and on top of that you need to sue him for malpractice.

State Licensing Boards Contact Information


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