# They cheat and we're the ones bending backwards trying to become better people?!



## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

I guess I just need to vent and fume a bit.........

I understand everyone can benefit from improving themselves and obviously if you were abusive, physically or emotionally or some other deal breaker than obviously you need to dramatically change to help with R, but what about the cases where everything was going good, granted no marriage is perfect, but then your spouse cheats and it seems like suddenly we're the ones bending over backwards trying to become everything *they want* trying to win *them back*?! :scratchhead:


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Because we are the only ones that really care at this point. They may come around at some point but they have other options waiting in the wings and feel they don't need or want us anymore. The bigger and better deal is waiting around the corner.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Humans are competitive. If a cookie is sitting on a plate and nobody wants it, it's just a cookie. If someone wants it, it suddenly becomes a rare commodity, if you don't grab it now it will be gone. People hate change, they hate to lose, they hate other people talking about them, they hate to have a personal undertaking fall apart. It's all cognitive. Once you realize you don't even like that kind of cookie, and that there's a whole world of sushi available which you like much much better, trying to win the cookie is laughable.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you do that, it's your choice. I don't understand it myself. When my husband cheated I kicked him out. To hell with bending over backwards to fix things! Not with a cheater. Now, if the cheater proves they're worth it, then sure, work on the marriage with them. but only after THEY bend over backwards a thousand times first.


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Humans are competitive. If a cookie is sitting on a plate and nobody wants it, it's just a cookie. If someone wants it, it suddenly becomes a rare commodity, if you don't grab it now it will be gone. People hate change, they hate to lose, they hate other people talking about them, they hate to have a personal undertaking fall apart. It's all cognitive. *Once you realize you don't even like that kind of cookie, and that there's a whole world of sushi available which you like much much better, trying to win the cookie is laughable*.


Love that!!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I tried the bending over backwards, it didn't turn out well. Now I kicked her out.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

This is one of the valuable lessons I've learned at TAM: when your spouse/SO cheats it is THEY who need to win YOU back, not vice versa.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

heathjeb said:


> I guess I just need to vent and fume a bit.........
> 
> I understand everyone can benefit from improving themselves and obviously if you were abusive, physically or emotionally or some other deal breaker than obviously you need to dramatically change to help with R, but what about the cases where everything was going good, granted no marriage is perfect, but then your spouse cheats and it seems like suddenly we're the ones bending over backwards trying to become everything *they want* trying to win *them back*?! :scratchhead:


You have to want reconciliation less than they do to have the opposite scenario, ie the upper hand. 

Or you have to want reconciliation only under certain conditions and if those conditions are not fulfilled, then your (erstwhile cheating) partner knows that you will want reconciliation less than they do.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

To play the devil's advocate here, it's seems that men want R more often to avoid divorce which pretty much favors women. Now if you took that away and made it so a cheating wife could leave with only the clothes on her back, then that whole thing takes on a different dynamic. She would be the one who wants R and the cheated on husband, since he stands to lose nothing in the deal, would clearly want to kick her to the curb.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

If you do your best to improve yourself it confirms that your WS’s opinion of you was correct. You suck and their affair was justified.

That’s why you have to be prepared to lose them even if you want to keep them. At least file for divorce (you don’t have to go through with it). 

That way you have demonstrated that you can live without them and are a prize that they have to earn.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

"You have to be willing to end the relationship if you want to save it." I see that statement made around here a lot, but it's an oxymoron. You don't end the relationship because you want to save it, you end it because you want to END it. If you want to save it, you're already one strike down, because the cheater will know that and use it against you more often than not. But if you truly want to end it, that's often the one thing that wakes the cheater up.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

As the BS, there are things I needed to improve regardless of what happened with my marriage post dday. At the time if did feel as though, in part, I was bending over backwards in terms of improving myself for the marriage. I was more resentful about changing in the few months following dday. If WS hadn't also made changes, I would have filed for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"but then your spouse cheats and it seems like suddenly we're the ones bending over backwards trying to become everything they want trying to win them back?!"

Exactly why I would never do it.

I kicked my LTgf to the curb instantly, and told her to pound sand when she came back 8 months later asking for another chance.

I think BSs would do better to forget about the good and loving times/memories from the pre-A relationship and, for lack of a better way of saying it, 'embrace the hate'.

And nothing seems to impact most WSs more then seeing your immediate contempt and rejection, followed up by quickly replacing them and moving on.

I KNOW for a fact it bothered my exgf, both from outside sources (mutual friends) and from a few chance meetings at social events where it hurt her immensely that she was dead to me and I could care less about her, despite all our previous history (which included serious and detailed planning for our wedding).


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

What I find confusing, the very things my ww h was unhappy about, were the very things that he went to the ow for. So now my mc encourages me to be those very things that my h needs,... sorta like rubbing salt into the wound... 


~ sammy


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> What I find confusing, the very things my ww h was unhappy about, were the very things that he went to the ow for. So now my mc encourages me to be those very things that my h needs,... sorta like rubbing salt into the wound...
> 
> 
> ~ sammy


They are just asking you to provide what the WH thought he was missing and be there for him, so he doesn't seek it elsewhere. This makes sense, but I wonder what he is supposed to be doing for you? It seems that unless the MC is trained specifically in infidelity, they share the view of well they did something heinous so we should find some way to provide it for them to make the M better and fix their problems, but what about the big elephant standing in the corner over there glaring at us??? 

Oh that is right, we are just supposed to look the other way and act like it never happened. Just move forward and never look back, except when it comes to resolving the WS complaints and issues within the failing M and since we didn't D and leave or cheat ourselves then we must not have issues that need resolution???


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I never cheated on my ex. Despite years of asking for and not getting love, affection and respect, and working to deserve them, she was incapable of change. That certainly would have made it easier to cheat when one of the many opportunities arose, but I did not. If I had, it would have been an exit affair, no doubt. And if she had wanted reconciliation, _she would have been the one who needed to change before I'd have made an effort to do so_.

Instead, I retained my integrity and divorced her for those same reasons.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

heathjeb said:


> I understand everyone can benefit from improving themselves and obviously if you were abusive, physically or emotionally or some other deal breaker than obviously you need to dramatically change to help with R, but what about the cases where everything was going good, granted no marriage is perfect, but then your spouse cheats and it seems like suddenly we're the ones bending over backwards trying to become everything *they want* trying to win *them back*?! :scratchhead:


That's a sign that your ex isn't worth winning back, in my opinion.

If someone cheats because their spouse and marriage are intolerable, then yes, the spouse and marriage need to undergo change for reconciliation to work. But if someone cheats in an imperfect but good marriage, then the onus is on them to be the one to improve themselves at least as much as the betrayed spouse.

The main question is perception though. Often what one spouse sees as a good though imperfect marriage, the other sees as intolerable.

I know when my ex cheated, our marriage was in a kind of doldrums phase after having children, which I recognized, but thought was a mutual thing, which would improve over time as the children grew and became less demanding of parental attention. Turns out my ex thought "You never pay attention to me anymore so I'm going to find someone who will!"

It's not like me changing anything about myself would have reduced the amount of attention children need, especially once my ex had fallen for somebody else who didn't have kids. And certainly me improving myself wouldn't have done anything to help me regain trust for a lying cheating manipulative "partner."


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I wouldn't say I've been bending over backwards. My wife has been forced to on many occasions, though -- to avoid the fire and brimstone spewing forth from me like Mount Vesuvius. She has to paint on her eyebrows, now.

If you've never had problems with anger management before, now is a good time to understand first hand what it is all about.


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> If your cheating spouse is remorseful...they will do everything they can to help you heal...but sometimes...they do not know what you need and you need to help them to know what you want. They need to show you with their actions, with their willingness to be totally transparent, with their willingness to do the work to heal the brokenness their cheating caused. At first...I can see where you might think you are the one doing all the work...but as time goes on...it should become very evident to you that they are indeed trying to help you.
> 
> I certainly have not done everything right in the thirty years since I cheated...but no one can ever say I didn't try.
> 
> *Step back and take a hard look...is your spouse really trying...but you are in so much pain you are not seeing it? Is she trying to help you heal from what she has done? If you see no effort....then I would say you need to approach her about it and tell her...I need to see this and this. If she is then willing...you have your answer...if she is not willing...you also have your answer.*




My husband has made no mention of trying to R. He is currently pursuing a polygamist life through online polygamy dating communities, and doesn't see anything wrong with it. Saying he just think through what he wanted in life before we got married.


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That's a sign that your ex isn't worth winning back, in my opinion.
> 
> If someone cheats because their spouse and marriage are intolerable, then yes, the spouse and marriage need to undergo change for reconciliation to work. But if someone cheats in an imperfect but good marriage, then the onus is on them to be the one to improve themselves at least as much as the betrayed spouse.
> 
> ...


I posted about my marriage issues, but to sum it up. He has decided he would rather be a polygamist so he can have as many children as humanly possible for him, feeling like this will validate him and make him feel less like a failure. He decided that 9 months ago and hasn't looked back.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

And you are still in this mge----WHY???????

You do know that there are millions of good decent loving males out there---that would love to have a good relationship and a spouse


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You have it backwards. I don't and won't bend over backwards. She bends over backwards to win ME back. Its called doing the heavy lifting. 

If you, the BS are bending over backwards to win them back, then you are in False R.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

heathjeb said:


> I guess I just need to vent and fume a bit.........
> 
> I understand everyone can benefit from improving themselves and obviously if you were abusive, physically or emotionally or some other deal breaker than obviously you need to dramatically change to help with R, but what about the cases where everything was going good, granted no marriage is perfect, but then your spouse cheats and it seems like suddenly we're the ones bending over backwards trying to become everything *they want* trying to win *them back*?! :scratchhead:


If the cheating spouse is not doing the heavy lifting, then it is not a reconciliation. Actually they are getting away with cheating. Any self-improvement the BS engages in after the discovery of an affair should be for one peron - the BS.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I guess I just need to vent and fume a bit.........
> 
> I understand everyone can benefit from improving themselves and obviously if you were abusive, physically or emotionally or some other deal breaker than obviously you need to dramatically change to help with R, but what about the cases where everything was going good, granted no marriage is perfect, but then your spouse cheats and it seems like suddenly we're the ones bending over backwards trying to become everything they want trying to win them back?!




It is called being sucker punched and then panic. In my case at first I tried that entire thing such as flowers, dates, vacations without the children, paying a lot of attention to her, etc. When they chose to stay in the fog and chose the OM/OW over you then *those type actions are pretty much worthless and does nothing but make you feel like a fool.*



*I then decide that I am going to do things for me and my children only.* The first thing I did was divorce her and then later made her confess to the children and then I kicked her out of the house.



*Also during that time I worked on improving myself, body, mind, and spirit. This has been a great benefit to me throughout the years*. I am now more self sufficient and do not need a spouse to have a good life. My children are very fond of me and visit with me every week and usually 3-4 times a week.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Spot on, very good thread. Personally for me, it's so not worth to put any effort in reconciliation even if the spouse is remorseful. That is not a good enough reason for me to work on a marriage. For me it means wasting my time. 

I think it also depends on the extent of the cheating whether you want to put effort into R or not. If the spouse only had an EA i can work on the marriage, but if it was physical i would have a very hard time getting all of those images out of my head. It would eat me from inside. 

Overall what matters mostly, is in what circumstances did the person cheat.
If the marriage was already in a bad state, for example the partners were not getting along and so on then i MIGHT put effort into R, however if the marriage was good and the spouse still decided to cheat, with NO reason, then i would NEVER in my life put effort into rebuilding marriage with such a person. I experienced the latter and i don't think i want to ever experience it again. This applies even if the cheating spouse is bending backwards for me or how you want to call it.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Right now I"m trying to better myself to make myself feel better to hopefully make my WAH remorseful.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> You have it backwards. I don't and won't bend over backwards. She bends over backwards to win ME back. Its called doing the heavy lifting.
> 
> If you, the BS are bending over backwards to win them back, then you are in False R.


This is exactly what I cant figure out !! It's been like this since day 1 for me. 

His "mid-life crises," was what lead him to his affair. His feeling of our lack of closeness, companionship, conversation, 
weight of the world on his shoulders, and the responsibilities that he carried seemed to him overwhelming. His "loneliness" on the job, wanting me so much to be with him to share what he was doing and not, was so great of a loneliness, that he said it hurt... so his solution... he "found" himself in an affair...which he insist, he didn't make a choice of. 

Meanwhile, all this time, I'm clueless, as I "thought" I was providing, because everything seemed to be going thur normal ups & downs of struggling of times, but surely no threat to the marriage. We even spoke of how we thought we were getting closer again before all exploded. 

Well now, while I'm not trying to win anyone back, I'm not sure I want to throw away a LTM either. But what I am struggling with, both MC and H, wants me to understand I still need to provide h with these needs that he is asking for, I'm the one who has to bend over backward, and it seems backwards to me. 

I have to make it ok for him to return to a safe place, I have to be able to provide more love, more conversation, more closeness, to him, when I struggle to do so, it's now, "because I just cant do it. He telling me things, while I'm out trying to "find myself" I am wasting days that we could really be sharing with each other!" 

This whole affair was about his needs not being met, and R seems like it still is about his needs continuing to be met ???? ... I'm so confused.

-sammy


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Make your better not for your spouse but for yourself. You try to please others', they'd demand more and more till you can't give them what they want.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I wouldn't, because i would not still be there... I would be gone..... And to hell with bending over backwards to try and better Myself, I am far way better than somebody that chooses to cheat the one they supposedly love.

I really think its very sad that the cheated on party would feel the need to prove something to the cheater.... If ( and i wouldn't just saying) If i did, HE would be the one to bend over backwards just to keep me from walking out the door.

Anyway. In answer to the question DON'T....... Their the ones that have screwed up, Let them be the one to prove they deserve you.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> "but then your spouse cheats and it seems like suddenly we're the ones bending over backwards trying to become everything they want trying to win them back?!"
> 
> Exactly why I would never do it.
> 
> ...


There is no better/more effective love killer than an affair. F*cking someone other than your spouse is like injecting the marriage with Ricin. It doesn't necessarily cause it to drop dead right away, but it will slowly and painfully shut down and eventually wither and die. At least that was my experience. Just awful and brutally wrenching to go through.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I'm a guy who believes that if you cheat, your gone and there's no room foe discussion. I wont live my life with a huge question mark hanging over my head. 

And to make a point, if I'm the one who gets caught cheating then I understand that I'm out the door also. Can't have it both ways and would understand.


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