# Wife's ex husband and her family



## monkeydoo (Oct 18, 2016)

Would like to get some perspective as have a concern regarding my wife of just over a year. Long post but want to make sure I get whole story so can get some insight on how I should handle this situation. Wife and I are both divorced so marriage number 2 for each. We are on our mid 40s.
I have a 22 year old daughter, she has two boys 20 and 22 years old. I've been divorced few years now, she has been divorced over 10 years.

As stated before we just passed our one year anniversary. Been together little over 2 years now.

Problem #1: When I first met my wife the only reference to her ex was how he was a crap father and had kicked out the younger son due to his arguing with his girlfriend etc. Younger son came and stayed with us for about 4-5 months and I get along very well with him and we got him on track, I even spent quite a bit of money supporting him with clothes, medical, vacation, etc. The ex never bothered me until after the marriage and I started noticing things like he would text her and basically not acknowledge she was remarried. He sent her text about her sons college 

1. Once we were at our house and her sons and my daughter we all visiting. The son told her that her ex had just broken up with his girlfriend. Later that night while in bed my wife texted pictures of the boys and she said "I sent "ex" some pictures of the boys to cheer him up". Just felt extremely disrespectful to me that my wife would be her ex's cheerleader squad. My gut screamed WTF that is waaaay too personal. She got defensive and said "I just sent him pictures of our children". 

2. My wife made a HUGE deal about us not keeping any photos of exes shortly after we started dating. However, twice she has had relatives send current photos/selfies of her boys and exH in what are basically father/son pictures to her and she kept them. She even commented, "my ex looks happy now, are you a happy man now?" Really bothered me that she was comparing me and felt like a **** test. Double standard and when I took a stand and said, "I thought we agreed no photos of exes" she used the same "but these are photos of my children" BS. They aren't children they are 20 something years old.

3. Out of curiosity I checked her phone to see how much contact was occurring and viola, the texts to her exH had been wiped clean. This is really setting off a red flag and hard to get past. Part of me thinks now that my wife is married to me she is looking back more at her previous marriage and while I don't think she is cheating on with me, I do think some boundaries have to be established as to the context and degree of contact with the ex. Before I never even remotely gave it a thought, now I feel after recent events (also see problem #2) that if it's not 100% related to the kids then contact should cease as my comfort level is giving me feeling in gut that she's too chummy with him now.

Problem #2: This is where I started to feel like being very disrespected and feel something has to happen regarding consequences.
My mother in law and my sister in law (wife's mom and sister) decided to travel to visit the younger son. The only issue is that it was more than just traveling to visit but involved them staying three weeks at my wife's ex husband place. However I did not know in advance that this would be the arrangement. Just prior to them leaving for the trip I was talking to my SIL and unprompted she said, "mom and I are going to see younger son and found a cheap place to stay". Of course that turned out to be a flat out lie.

Secondly, my wife never even mentioned it, asked me about it, or even hinted about it. In fact there was not even a mention about the trip until my SIL mentioned she and MIL were going and I only realized they were staying at the exes house after a subtle post on Facebook. Normally my wife is transparent about things and she surely knew that her mom and sis would be staying with him. 

I understand that a grandmother and aunt would want to visit their relative. However the lie and fact my wife did not volunteer this really bugs me. I would have liked to have been told in advance and at least have expected my wife to ask how I felt about it. I can't imagine my ex MIL and ex SIL coming and staying for three weeks with me. And my ex MIL adored me but the boundary would be clear. I have not discussed this with my SIL yet but for sure I will tell her I feel like her loyalty is not to me and that there will never be trust between us again. I feel I have to take a rigid stand and I know this will make my wife furious and further make me feel like I'm the bad guy vs being the one who got spit on. My wife and I and her family easily have the means to pay and stay in hotels so that is definitely not a reason they could use.

My ex W and I are cordial and can discuss our daughter but I definitely don't exchange cheer up texts with her and the communication with my ex is fairly limited. I moved on long ago and while I really don't care what she does. However I feel my wife has way too much interest in her ex H and has started bringing him up in conversation that irritates me. I mean she brought up about the car he was planning to buy and the previous cars she and him had owned and I finally said, "I don't give a sh|t about what car your ex is buying and why do you even care to talk about it?" Of course instead of take my hint she said, "I'm just sharing with you." I honestly feel like doing right back to her so she gets the point as I know she'll get mad if I start talking about my exW in any positive light.

Am I wrong to feel like my MIL is investing an awful lot of time by staying at the exes place like this? I feel like my marriage is second class to the ex now. I'm really pissed and feel disrespected. 

This could be a huge wedge now with me and her family as I won't easily forget it.:frown2:

Any advice as trying hard to be objective but my gut tells me this is messed up and I need to come down hard even if my wife gets pissed off as I don't really care if she gets mad at this point.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

You're both out of one bad marriage each, you've got kids from the prior marriage and you jumped right into a new marriage within a year of knowing one another.

I'm sorry but you don't know someone a year after you meet, I mean, you know something about them but not enough to commit a second time to spending a lifetime together especially with children who are likely to create so many issues either directly or indirectly.

So here you are, 2 years in and shaking your head because you don't understand the actions of a person who you don't know as nearly as well as you thought you did.

If I could roll the clock back and you could post "I am about to marry a second time to a woman whose first marriage failed, as did my own", I'd say "what's the rush?".

I know that's not helpful but to be honest there's really no good advice for you, although I can support your notion that something is very wrong especially with the deleted texts to exhusband.

I personally wouldn't put up with it for a single moment but then again I wouldn't ever get married again either and I keep my finances separate so if something like that should come up it's an easy break.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

YES....BOUNDARIES are in order


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## monkeydoo (Oct 18, 2016)

Well not much I can do with this post but you are making some assumptions.

Not like we both got divorced and each jumped into another marriage.

And my grandparents knew each other for 2 weeks and got married and died a couple months apart. Even if you marry after 5 years of dating stuff still happens.

I need insight, not a lecture on optimum dating time....



caruso said:


> You're both out of one bad marriage each, you've got kids from the prior marriage and you jumped right into a new marriage within a year of knowing one another.
> 
> I'm sorry but you don't know someone a year after you meet, I mean, you know something about them but not enough to commit a second time to spending a lifetime together especially with children who are likely to create so many issues either directly or indirectly.
> 
> ...


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## monkeydoo (Oct 18, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> YES....BOUNDARIES are in order


Yes, I think I'm going have to go nuclear on this.

How would you handle the sister issue? I feel so slighted that I know I'll never look at her the same again.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Ok forget everything I said about optimum dating time but take a step back and ask yourself how much you really know about this second woman who you committed to supposedly for the rest of your natural life.

Do you find her actions in regard to her ex, the deceitfulness of the text deletions and the lyng by omission to be out of character for her? Or are you starting to see a pattern. Because if it's the latter, you've got a big problem, it's about who she is. If it's the former, well you still got a problem but it's a different sort of problem, one that has to do with a person not really ever getting over their ex and maintaining an unhealthy bond even to the point where it can cause damage to an active otherwise healthy relationship.

Here's what you gotta do- put an end to her BS right now, draw your line in the sand firmly but without expressed anger and tell her the picture sending, the feeling bad for the ex, the lying by omission and the text deleting, and all the personal stuff between her and exhubby is going to stop right now or things will not end well.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

monkeydoo said:


> Would like to get some perspective as have a concern regarding my wife of just over a year.
> Problem #1: When I first met my wife the only reference to her ex was how he was a crap father and had kicked out the younger son due to his arguing with his girlfriend etc. Younger son came and stayed with us for about 4-5 months and I get along very well with him and we got him on track, I even spent quite a bit of money supporting him with clothes, medical, vacation, etc. The ex never bothered me until after the marriage and *I started noticing things like he would text her and basically not acknowledge she was remarried. * He sent her text about her sons college
> 
> *How is it that you would expect him to acknowledge that she is married?*
> ...


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

monkeydoo said:


> Yes, I think I'm going have to go nuclear on this.
> 
> How would you handle the sister issue? I feel so slighted that I know I'll never look at her the same again.


What's to handle? She is a grown up and she gets to choose what she does. You do not deserve totally loyalty as in scrubbing all others from the past out, that is quite immature. 

And I agree with the PP, you remarried too fast, knew each other for 1 year, even without all the complications of divorce, step kids etc, 1 year is too rushed to really find out of you are compatible. 

So what to do now? IMHO take a few deep breaths and then grow up. Be the man your wife wants to confide in bc the way you come across is very insecure.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

monkeydoo said:


> Yes, I think I'm going have to go nuclear on this.
> 
> How would you handle the sister issue? I feel so slighted that I know I'll never look at her the same again.


Please slow down on the "Nuclear" option...

You need WAY WAY more info. 

How has your relationship been with her family......if your SIL & MIL were asked to describe you....What do you think they would say....be realistic..


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

monkeydoo said:


> Yes, I think I'm going have to go nuclear on this.
> 
> How would you handle the sister issue? I feel so slighted that I know I'll never look at her the same again.


I would hold off on nuclear just yet. 

Can you look at the phone records and see how many texts are going back and forth?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

I think you're expecting a lot from this marriage. She's a mid-40 year old woman with two grown sons. As far as she is concerned her ex and the kids are "her boys". They are part of who she is. For the MIL, her ex is the father of her grand-sons. You're just the guy living in her daughter's house.

If you believe that your wife is sleeping with the ex, that's whole other story. But short of that, you married a woman with baggage. If you didn't want baggage you should have married a 20 year old virgin. Your wife did not promise to throw away her existing family for you and the ex is part of the family. If you wanted boundaries, you should have had it spelled out before the marriage.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> I think you're expecting a lot from this marriage.


She's communicating with the ex, deleting text and lying by omission to her husband of 2 years.

Expecting her not to do these things is too much?

I beg to differ but then again some people settle for less so I'm not judging you just saying I'd never put up with the things you apparently do.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

caruso said:


> She's communicating with the ex, deleting text and lying by omission to her husband of 2 years.
> 
> Expecting her not to do these things is too much?
> 
> I beg to differ but then again some people settle for less so I'm not judging you just saying I'd never put up with the things you apparently do.


I agree.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> Please slow down on the "Nuclear" option...
> 
> You need WAY WAY more info.
> 
> How has your relationship been with her family......if your SIL & MIL were asked to describe you....What do you think they would say....be realistic..


I think that if you do go nuclear here that you certainly be the bad guy here. You need to sit her down and tell her how all of this has made you feel. I do think that do have a right to be concerned about all the attention to ex and definitely staying at his house without telling you is definitely a no no.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes boundaries are most definitely in order here!

You are correct that there should be no contact between your W and her ex aside from matters regarding their children. Even if she has no feelings for him, she needs to respect YOUR feelings on this and cut him off. NO chit chat, no picture exchanges, etc. While it may seem a good thing that they can be friendly, I can tell you from first hand experience that it can lead no where good. 

As far as your MIL and SIL staying with him...honestly that isn't your business or your problem. They can maintain a relationship with him if they so wish. As long as it doesn't interfere with their relationship with you, or involve your wife in any way, at least. They should have been up front with you that they were planning to stay with him. 

Take it from someone who's husband left to remarry wife #1... you need a CLEAR, FIRM STANCE on this.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

caruso said:


> She's communicating with the ex, deleting text and lying by omission to her husband of 2 years.
> 
> Expecting her not to do these things is too much?
> 
> I beg to differ but then again some people settle for less so I'm not judging you just saying I'd never put up with the things you apparently do.


I wouldn't put up with it either but I didn't marry this woman. He signed up to be a cabana boy. He needs to learn to dance.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> I wouldn't put up with it either but I didn't marry this woman. He signed up to be a cabana boy. He needs to learn to dance.


Or he can find another job if he doesn't want to be a cabana boy anymore.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The "kids" are now adults and I don't see why they need to be in touch at all unless there is a celebratory event (wedding, birth of a grandkid) or an emergency.
Unpopular view, I know, but I just seen no reason to be in contact with an ex outside of minor children. *shrug*

If they have always been friendly, then boundaries were something that should have been worked out before getting married. If this is new, then boundaries need to be set now. If this is a dealbreaker, considering it does involve deceit and deletion of possible evidence of impropriety, then file for divorce or annulment.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

monkeydoo said:


> Well not much I can do with this post but you are making some assumptions.
> 
> Not like we both got divorced and each jumped into another marriage.
> 
> ...


Truth hurts.

His answer was succinct and well constructed. 

The very fact you offer up your grandparents as an example of successful marriage after a short time and yet here you are posting about your wife.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, I have a little experience with this.

My hb had terrible boundaries with his ex and her family and ran his mouth about other exes in ridiculously inappropriate ways.

I'm like you.....ex hb and I get along ok and share kids but I could give a sheet what he does and I am certainly not his cheerleader.

You know what worked for me? Going nuclear. Start talking about your ex wife. Every time she mentions her ex mention yours, and when she gets upset tell her you're just sharing.

Get some pics of your kids and your ex, and when she objects tell her they're your children.

She knows you don't like it and does it anyway, like mine did.

Don't get upset, just do the same to her and tell her you were under the impression that talking to and about exes was just sharing and ok.

This is what worked for me.

Well that and the fact that I told hb about the big package on my first as well as that I was getting him a cookie next time he brought up an ex because clearly he wanted praise.

As for her ex, who cares if he acknowledges anything? He's not your problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well that and the fact that I told hb about the big package on my first as well as that I was getting him a cookie next time he brought up an ex because clearly new wanted praise


I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that someone's spellchecker is on the fritz.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The MIL & SIL have known the ex for over twenty years and you for a hot minute. What they do is none of your business. Just thank God they weren't staying with you.

Your wife is the one you have issue with. Clarify your boundaries.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@monkeydoo 

Your wife is completely hung up on her "ex". You fvcked up bad marrying this one. 

Assert HARD boundaries or consider bailing. The "kids" excuse is crap after they turn 18 imo.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Children are children no matter what age they are. Teens, twenties, thirties, or more.

So, her sister and her mother stayed at your wife's ex-husband's home?

And that's impacting you in what way, exactly?

You aren't married to them and they aren't divorced from him.

I think you need to slow down. Really slow down before you crash your marriage.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> The very fact you offer up your grandparents as an example of successful marriage after a short time and yet here you are posting about your wife.


Yeah I let that one go the first time around but since you mentioned it...when you feel the need to defend your actions with the ole' "My grandfather smoked until he was 100 and he was in perfect health until he was hit by a semi at age 101, so it's ok to smoke" argument.. well you gotta really do some serious introspection.

As far as the going nuclear option suggested by some posters, that could backfire, but you need to make a stand and you need to do it firmly and while in control and let her know what your limits are and let her know she's pushing them way further than they were ever meant to go.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

caruso said:


> I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that someone's spellchecker is on the fritz.


You would be correct....my autocorrect changes what I type to things that make no sense and I don't always catch it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> @monkeydoo
> 
> Your wife is completely hung up on her "ex". You fvcked up bad marrying this one.
> 
> Assert HARD boundaries or consider bailing. The "kids" excuse is crap after they turn 18 imo.


Really? So a parent should just cut ties with their children once they hit 18? :surprise: :wtf:

Meanwhile in the real world of family dynamics and relationships, that just doesn't happen. 

Of course, some people might cut their kids off when they hit 18.

But please note, I say people, not parents.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> You would be correct....my autocorrect changes what I type to things that make no sense and I don't always catch it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My Android does that.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Really? So a parent should just cut ties with their children once they hit 18? :surprise: :wtf:
> 
> Meanwhile in the real world of family dynamics and relationships, that just doesn't happen.
> 
> ...


This isn't about the kids it's about her unhealthy attachment to her ex. She's no longer his wife, she's not his mommy and yet she continues to act like it.

This thread brings me back to when I met my GF 5 years ago. Her exhusband was out of the house 2 years and yet a lot of his crap was still in and around the house- in the garage, the attic, a shed outback, even a few pictures still on the walls that she "liked so she didn't mind keeping them up until he got around to taking them".

Their conversations were sometimes "friendly" and they'd get into topics other than their teenage son. Occasionally when picking up her teenage son he'd come in the house (when no one else was there at the time).

I found the whole thing bizarre and unhealthy and I told her as much. 

You know what she said to me? She said "You're right, you really made me think, thank you". It took some time but slowly and steadily after she got the word to the ex, his stuff gradually disappeared until he took the last of it- well anything he didn't take she gave him a deadline and it went to goodwill or out with the garbage pickup.

Their conversations never extend past talking about their son. Once I moved in he never came in the house again except one time when we asked him if he remembered the location of a zone valve for the oil tank which was buried in a wall (a BAD idea by the way for obvious reasons).

It's healthy, it's fair, and I know that if she hadn't reacted to my comments the way she did I would not have stuck around.

What the Ops wife is doing in this case with regard to her ex is just bad. On so many levels.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I do think she is disrespecting you, but flipping out on her mom and sister is not going to help. Forget those two. 

Sit her down and tell her calmly how you feel, and if she throws it in your face, then tell her you made a mistake marrying her. See how she swallows that. 

People who love each other should not be doing things or saying things to bring stress or unhappiness on their partner. That is what they call "consideration" and "respect".


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> You would be correct....my autocorrect changes what I type to things that make no sense and I don't always catch it.


Eye hey 8 bee ing write awl tee time.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Really? So a parent should just cut ties with their children once they hit 18? :surprise: :wtf:
> 
> Meanwhile in the real world of family dynamics and relationships, that just doesn't happen.
> 
> ...


I think you misunderstand. We're not saying cut off the adult children. We're saying the children aren't an excuse to be in such close contact with the ex because they are now adults.

Besides, the father-son picture that breaks the no pictures of ex's agreement? Yeah, she could just Photoshop it so she can keep the image of her son and ditch the image of her ex...


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Besides, the father-son picture that breaks the no pictures of ex's agreement? Yeah, she could just Photoshop it so she can keep the image of her son and ditch the image of her ex...


I've got a digital photoframe mounted on the wall in the living room and it cycles 100s of pictures going back over the past few decades.

It contains several old family vacation pictures and there are several in which my exwife formerly made a cameo. It also contains video clips and as far as the ex goes, I've used a video editor to remove clips in which she was present, even zooming and cropping the video to save certain scenes while "expelling" exwife.

I recommend Adobe Photoshop Elements 7 for photoediting, it's about $10 on Ebay and you can cut the ex out of the pictures plus do all sorts of enhancements and once you get the idea of how to use it, you can edit a picture in a couple of minutes.

I'm thinking it would be a nice gift for the Ops wife.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

caruso said:


> I've got a digital photoframe mounted on the wall in the living room and it cycles 100s of pictures going back over the past few decades.
> 
> It contains several old family vacation pictures and there are several in which my exwife formerly made a cameo. It also contains video clips and as far as the ex goes, I've used a video editor to remove clips in which she was present, even zooming and cropping the video to save certain scenes while "expelling" exwife.
> 
> ...


Dang! I just sorted out all the pictures with my ex in them and gave them to my exMIL. Some were hard copies, some were on disc, none of them are in my house, and my MIL appreciated it.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Dang! I just sorted out all the pictures with my ex in them and gave them to my exMIL. Some were hard copies, some were on disc, none of them are in my house, and my MIL appreciated it.


I scanned in all the hard copies of pictures, edited them as necessary and tossed the originals.

Maybe ask for them back so you can digitize them, offer to give them a copy (the copy before you chop out the ex).

By the way I don't see any reason to save in any greater than 1600x1200 resolution unless you do plan on printing a hard copy. The files tend to get rather large beyond that point and there is no noticeable difference when viewed on a monitor or photoframe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I think you misunderstand. We're not saying cut off the adult children. We're saying the children aren't an excuse to be in such close contact with the ex because they are now adults.
> 
> Besides, the father-son picture that breaks the no pictures of ex's agreement? Yeah, she could just Photoshop it so she can keep the image of her son and ditch the image of her ex...


You didn't say that. But someone else did allude to that being a good idea.

And I'm sure you will agree with me that it isn't and that it sounds a little bit weird.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Really? So a parent should just cut ties with their children once they hit 18? :surprise: :wtf:


That's not what he means  He means the parents don't need to be in touch about the kids every 5 minutes once they're adults. And they don't. These children are not children, they're adults - they likely have their own relationship with both parents and communicate their own needs to them. That's not to say the parents will never have contact at all - there'll be graduations, weddings, births, birthday parties etc. some of which will need to be planned between the parents, but they certainly don't need to be all up in each others business.

As for the MIL & SIL staying with the ex, as much as it stinks and I wouldn't like it either, it's not your business and you shouldn't go raising it with them. It will likely backfire anyway. For the record - my husband would be furious if his parents stayed with his ex wife, lol. 

Your issue is with your wife, that's where it should stay.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Really? So a parent should just cut ties with their children once they hit 18?


That's what you got out of my post?!? Where did I say she needs to cut him off from the kids?!? How is it even possible to cut off an ADULT CHILD?!?

She hasn't let go of her ex. The kids are an EXCUSE TO CONTACT HIM with inappropriate regularity so she can maintain an emotional connection to him. 

It's as plain as day man.....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> @monkeydoo
> 
> Your wife is completely hung up on her "ex". You fvcked up bad marrying this one.
> 
> Assert HARD boundaries or consider bailing. The "kids" excuse is crap after they turn 18 imo.


Betrayed Dad said this.



MattMatt said:


> Really? So a parent should just cut ties with their children once they hit 18? :surprise: :wtf:
> 
> Meanwhile in the real world of family dynamics and relationships, that just doesn't happen.
> 
> ...


You responded below his post with this.



MattMatt said:


> You didn't say that. But someone else did allude to that being a good idea.
> 
> And I'm sure you will agree with me that it isn't and that it sounds a little bit weird.


The way I interpreted Betrayed Dad's post was that using the "kids" as an excuse to talk to the ex after the kids reach full adulthood (age 18), is bullshyte.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The rule about no pictures of an ex is silly. I can see it if they were non-spouses. But, photo shopping and editing is rewriting your history and your children's history. We're all grownups - we can handle a spouse having a life before us. They don't need to be on display but there is no reason they can't be tucked into an album and put away.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MonkeyDo,

One BIG issue is that your W believes it is OK to lie by omission to you.

A BIGGER issue is that your W believes it is OK to get her emotional needs met by two men. She was adamant about no contact because she knew how good contact with her ex makes her feel and how powerful it is. 

How does your W treat your children?

Tamat


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Trinkets, memorabilia, mementos, photos are always a tricky subject. There is a very fine line between preserving history and living in it.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Ran this thread by my GF. She's good at this stuff, she may even start posting here.

She made a good point. Although the deception is not excusable there may be a good reason for it. The Op seems rather oversensitive and his wife, and SIL and MIL may just not know how to handle it so they just avoid telling him.

Doesn't make it right but if he takes a step back and says to himself "Maybe I am insecure, oversensitive and over reactive, and if I change my own behavior so that they aren't afraid of being honest with me things could improve".

Or something like that.

Get inside their heads and instead of taking it personal "They are all lying to me! I can't handle this and it will affect my relationship with them FOREVER!" you might want to say "I have made it difficult for them to be honest with me and I have created an awkward situation".

Again- her actions in regard to the ex are over the top and should be shut down immediately. But it's how you approach it that matters. Sort of like how I did. I just commented that her continued "bond" with her ex isn't healthy for her at all. I didn't make it about me although I did express it bothered me a bit. She reacted in a very positive way and the problem was solved rather than becoming some sort of huge issue that could possibly have been the demise of the relationship. 

Be cool man.



lifeistooshort said:


> You know what worked for me? Going nuclear. Start talking about your ex wife. Every time she mentions her ex mention yours, and when she gets upset tell her you're just sharing.
> 
> Get some pics of your kids and your ex, and when she objects tell her they're your children.
> 
> ...


Please don't do this. It's immature, passive aggressive and solves nothing, it will only build resentment and add conflict.



MrsHolland said:


> So what to do now? IMHO take a few deep breaths and then grow up. Be the man your wife wants to confide in bc the way you come across is very insecure.


This sums up what I said rather well and with a lot less words.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I don't know what's wrong with some of you. These DO NOT sound like the gripes of an insecure, jealous man..........



monkeydoo said:


> The son told her that her ex had just broken up with his girlfriend. Later that night while in bed my wife texted pictures of the boys and she said "I sent "ex" some pictures of the boys to cheer him up". Just felt extremely disrespectful to me that my wife would be her ex's cheerleader squad. My gut screamed WTF that is waaaay too personal.


THIS is NOT okay..... It's not her job to emotionally support her ex anymore. DISRESPECTFUL.



monkeydoo said:


> She even commented, "my ex looks happy now, are you a happy man now?" Really bothered me that she was comparing me and felt like a **** test. Double standard and when I took a stand and said, "I thought we agreed no photos of exes" she used the same "but these are photos of my children" BS.


Why is she comparing her ex to him in ANYWAY or even care if he's "happy"?!? DISRESPECTFUL.



monkeydoo said:


> Out of curiosity I checked her phone to see how much contact was occurring and viola, the texts to her exH had been wiped clean. This is really setting off a red flag and hard to get past.


Purposely hiding and deleting communications to a past lover? There is no privacy in a marriage unless you are in the bathroom. DISRESPECTFUL.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

caruso said:


> Ran this thread by my GF. She's good at this stuff, she may even start posting here.
> 
> She made a good point. Although the deception is not excusable there may be a good reason for it. The Op seems rather oversensitive and his wife, and SIL and MIL may just not know how to handle it so they just avoid telling him.
> 
> ...



We'll have to agree to disagree.

Regarding the mother and sister i agree that he's making too big of a deal out of it. It's kind of crappy that the sil lies but it's not really his business who they stay with. 

But in the case of his wife i sense a different dynamic then you had with your gf. Your gf had an unhealthy attachment but didn't seem to realize it, and when you pointed it out was open to your thoughts. 

Also, how would she have responded if you'd talked about your ex? If she really was just clueless she would've either not cared or gotten upset and realized that she did it too.

In this case he says that he'd be in trouble for talking about his ex, and she knows he doesn't like her attachment to hers,yet she does it anyway. She's got a big double standard and is quite insensitive to his feelings. 

In my case I actually did talk calmly to my hb.....it would stop for a bit until it started again. And he too made comments to suggest he didn't want any sharing about my ex, it was just his that as ok.

When I finally turned the tables he admitted that he knew I didn't like it and did it anyway. So that means it was either am emotional weapon or he really lacked empathy. I think he really thought it wasn't a big deal. 

Once I turned the tables and he saw what it felt like he stopped, so apparently it wasn't ok for him. 

And if I had told him he had an unhealthy attachment to the ex and her family he would've denied it because he couldn't see it and he's bad with conflict. So the only way to get through to him was going nuclear.

I really don't think there's any lingering resentment with us.....he just needed to know what it felt like and that it was rude.

Just my experience. I'm happy your gf was open to your thoughts....I actually wish my hb had been like that because going nuclear isn't really in my nature. But it's what overcame the lack of empathy/ emotional weapon due to insecurity issues he had.

OP, I think she needs to be called out on her double standard and you need to adopt her boundaries if she thinks that's OK.

Just my opinion. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> But in the case of his wife i sense a different dynamic then you had with your gf. Your gf had an unhealthy attachment but didn't seem to realize it, and when you pointed it out was open to your thoughts.


The wife has an unhealthy and potentially dangerous attachment to her ex. I don't think anyone who has posted on this thread disputes this. It's all about HOW to deal with it. 



lifeistooshort said:


> In my case I actually did talk calmly to my hb.....it would stop for a bit until it started again. And he too made comments to suggest he didn't want any sharing about my ex, it was just his that as ok.
> 
> When I finally turned the tables he admitted that he knew I didn't like it and did it anyway. So that means it was either am emotional weapon or he really lacked empathy. I think he really thought it wasn't a big deal.


You first tried approaching it in a calm, rational manner- but it didn't work so THEN you went nuclear.

I'm not suggesting he do anything different. Change his attitude, his approach, see if the carrot works more effectively and if not then it's probably time for the stick.

I get the sense that his wife cannot be open with him about such matters for fear of him exploding so she takes it underground and then it's all about lying by omission and defensiveness and nothing gets fixed.

He may not have a choice- she may be completely clueless about her bond with her husband, she may be unapproachable regardless of how he handles this, but I'm thinking going nuclear- at least at this time- will not give him the desired response. Especially if this situation has developed because of dynamics between them that he is at least partially to blame for, due to insecurities, over reactions and possibly even anger management issues (just guessing on that last one).



BetrayedDad said:


> I don't know what's wrong with some of you. These DO NOT sound like the gripes of an insecure, jealous man..........


I think you missed the point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's what you got out of my post?!? Where did I say she needs to cut him off from the kids?!? How is it even possible to cut off an ADULT CHILD?!?
> 
> She hasn't let go of her ex. The kids are an EXCUSE TO CONTACT HIM with inappropriate regularity so she can maintain an emotional connection to him.
> 
> It's as plain as day man.....


What you actually said was



> The "kids" excuse is crap after *they* turn 18 imo.


*You made a general statement which would apply to all children after they turn 18.
*

Had you made a specific post aimed only at the OP and his wife and her children, then that would have been different.

People only get "things" from your posts when you put the "things" in your posts.

If you do not want people to get "things" from your posts, don't put the "things" in.

You have now explained that you were only specifically aiming your comment at the OP, but that was not clear from your initial post.

Thank you for clearing things up.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

caruso said:


> I think you missed the point.


Ok, then elaborate.... What's the point I missed?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You made a general statement which would apply to all children after they turn 18.
> 
> Had you made a specific post aimed only at the OP and his wife and her children, then that would have been different.


My post was a quote of OP's COMMENT in OP's thread. What other kids am I talking about?!? "They" refers to his adult children.



MattMatt said:


> Thank you for clearing things up.


Clear as mud it seems..... Perhaps my American English doesn't translate well to the Queen's version?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> My post was a quote of OP's COMMENT in OP's thread. What other kids am I talking about?!?
> 
> 
> 
> Clear as mud it seems..... Perhaps my American English doesn't translate well to the Queen's version?


Perhaps so.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Ok, then elaborate.... What's the point I missed?


Your thread is all about how his wife is wrong and no one seems to be picking up on this.

Nobody is disagreeing that his concerns are valid and his wife is being in appropriate and deceitful.

It's the way he's reacting to it that needs some.. touching up.

He comes across as rather over sensitive and over reactive- for example the MIL and SIL staying with the ex and how it bothers him so much.

They continue to have a relationship with her ex, it's their choice, its none of his business.

The whole point is that he is making this all about him, and taking it personally. There's a problem here- she's got an unhealthy attachment to her ex that needs to be addressed. He's making it all about "lack of respect" for him, basically saying how it's not fair to him that she broke the agreement. The whining is not going to get him closer to fixing this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

caruso said:


> The wife has an unhealthy and potentially dangerous attachment to her ex. I don't think anyone who has posted on this thread disputes this. It's all about HOW to deal with it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Fair enough. I can certainly support making an attempt to discuss calmly, during which time I think he should make clear that whatever boundaries apply to her also apply to him. 

I'm not optimistic about the odds of success.....clueless people don't generally hide conversations. 

But it's certainly worth a shot. I guess I got the impression that he had tried to discuss, only to be met with buts:

But these are my children.
But I'm just sharing.

Yet these courtesies don't apply to him, only to her.

If he hasn't tried to calmly discuss he should.

And OP, keep this conversation to her and her attachment. Her mother and sisters actions have nothing to do with your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

caruso said:


> The whole point is that he is making this all about him, and taking it personally. There's a problem here- she's got an unhealthy attachment to her ex that needs to be addressed. He's making it all about "lack of respect" for him, basically saying how it's not fair to him that she broke the agreement. The whining is not going to get him closer to fixing this.


It is about him. She clearly doesn't have a problem with this arraignment. 

He's being made a monkey of. Pun intended. You are correct, whining won't fix it.

There's only ONE thing he needs to do... Take a hard line. Tell his wife, "it's ME or HIM".

He never should of married a women hung up on her ex and its obvious he ignored red flags.

Can't change the past but it's never too late to bail on a broken person. OP needs to man up.

She needs to get her priorities straight fast. Right now she's caking eating from both of them.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Texts deletion are a problem, and worse, sister-in-law is staying at ex's house. Seems like everyone is trying to create the prior family, with you looking on. I'd probably tell wife, you want to go back, fine, check on going back, otherwise complete transparency.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

caruso said:


> This isn't about the kids it's about her unhealthy attachment to her ex. She's no longer his wife, she's not his mommy and yet she continues to act like it.
> 
> This thread brings me back to when I met my GF 5 years ago. Her exhusband was out of the house 2 years and yet a lot of his crap was still in and around the house- in the garage, the attic, a shed outback, even a few pictures still on the walls that she "liked so she didn't mind keeping them up until he got around to taking them".
> 
> ...


This is extremely similar to how things have been with my wife, whom had been divorced two years when we met. Early on, she still had attachments to her ex husband, had pictures of him, his personal property, still talked about him a lot. Most of the talk was negative, but it still showed how deep that attachment was. It was not uncommon for him to be the topic of conversation with her family and friends.

The incident that finally caused me to set a hard line on boundaries was when she went to a local food bank, got food for him, and dropped it off to him in the next town over...because her daughter had told her he had no food in the house and was hungry. We had been exclusively dating and living together for a few months at that point. Her initial reaction to me calling her out on it was one of defensiveness, that she is just a kind and caring person, doesn't like seeing anyone suffer. I reminded her that he is a grown man, and she is no longer his wife, no longer his keeper, no longer responsible for him, and that I could not be with someone who felt they were those things to someone else.

Several months later, I did unwittingly overhear some things that had I known earlier at the time of the food bank issue, I may have just ended things right then and there, but we have moved on from all of that, and I feel we have good solid, and mutually respected boundaries now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

OP's wife is staying with her ex for three weeks and you are going to call him insecure. The ***** of a wife and her sister lied about where they would be staying. 

Would anyone on here be ok with your wife or husband spending a month at their ex's house on a visit. 

Just some FYI. Her ex broke up with his gf right before this. So unless he has a mansion. Where are all these poeple sleeping. 

If I was OP I would call and tell her not to bother coming home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

ABHale said:


> OP's wife is staying with her ex for three weeks and you are going to call him insecure. The ***** of a wife and her sister lied about where they would be staying.
> 
> Would anyone on here be ok with your wife or husband spending a month at their ex's house on a visit.
> 
> ...


The OPs MIL and SIL are staying with the wifes ex. 

And the OP was a drive by poster, nice bit of fiction though.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Maybe, but the story fostered some good debate. 

Boundaries are the guiding lampposts for any serious relationship. Problem is, couples never sit down and mutually agree on boundaries when they decide to get serious.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> The OPs MIL and SIL are staying with the wifes ex.
> 
> And the OP was a drive by poster, nice bit of fiction though.


My bad, I miss read the post. I thought OP's wife went as well. 

So what I posted was a piece of fiction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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