# time to face the music?



## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

ohhhhh boy---well, I've spent the last 1/2 hour reading posts and again, I am amazed at how similar we all are and then when I read the replies, I see different phases of adjustment, pain, and healing. So here's my tale continued...my husband and I have been 'dating' but he said that this is as far as it will go---he's not moving back in, etc. That went as such for a few weeks, then he sat me down for a 'chat' and said he felt bad because he was 'having his cake and eating it too' and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore (he left me btw---my son from my first marrariage is emotionally/mentally ill and he couldn't take it anymore) and that he knew I'd be the one to get hurt. I told him that his arrogance was something else and what if I'm having my cake and eating it too? I also said that I'm not a dumb woman, you left me, you don't want me, you've made that abudantly clear---and that was pretty much it. We've still been seeing each other and ironically after that lil' chat 3 weeks ago, he was very, very attentive. Then in the past week, it just stopped. No plans, few calls, few anything. I've been with this man for 4 years so I know his ways---intimately; I know that I MUST protect myself but I feel like a fool. I'm mad at myself---can't be mad at the leopard who can't (and won't) change his spots. Admittedly, I know I'm risking more hurt but I'm not ready to let go---willing to settle for what I can get, sounds pathetic but I'm not waiting around for him. I'm very busy, I'm able to dedicate myself fully to my son's coninual needs and hopeful recovery, and I'm really not a fool. However, I do still love my husband--sigh.
We had another 'chat' yesterday and he told me that he's happy, he likes his life like this, not answering to anyone, doing what he needs to do (this was our problem in our marriage as well, we were seeing a counselor---he did what he wanted and did what he had to do all of the time), and then he said that he's realized that he is simply 'not capable' of doing marriage. He is starting to understand that marriage isn't about just him rather it's about 2 people---I told him that it sounds like he took the easier way---he got mad! Easier for who? I said you. you did what you always do---you chose you. 
ANYWAY--I don't want to bore anyone, we all know that these tales are more involved and hard to type in these boxes...here's my ponder/quandry: he left, I think he should file for divorce, I don't want it but if he files, I will comply---I do want him to be happy. So if he feels as he does above---why hasn't he filed? My friend thinks I should file at this point---she said that would get him moving either one way or the other. She feels that he's using me---for what? Just sex??? that seems like pretty complicated stuff for just sex---I do think he still has feelings for me, I do think he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either---let me re-state, I'm not ready to be let go or to let go. 
Perhaps this is just part of the process...what is the typical waiting time til papers are in motion? Why stay married to me if you've decided that you're not the marrying kind?
Yes, I hurt today but I'm going to stay busy and keep my thoughts on me and mine---just like he does. Not being snotty but it does seem to work :0)
Your input and your time is very much appreciated---I look forward to reading your thoughts...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm so very sorry, but it's time to move on. He clearly is not interested committing to you. Find someone else who will. You are at best, friends with benifits and nothing more.

My guess I'm sure he's seeing other women as well and having sex with them also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't agree with the above post.

It's not time to move on because you clearly stated you're not ready to move on. If you're not ready to move on, then you simply can't just yet.

You and your husband seem to have built a wall of ego between the two of you which diminishes the possibility of any constructive form of communication. Your conversations probably always end up in fights or build up of more resentment. That's not healthy. I suspect your husband has always been the one "less vested" in the marriage. 

Don't force anything on yourself. Show him your true feelings and write him letters if you can't properly express yourself. don't beg or ask for anything. Just tell him how you feel and the things you regret.

If he loves you, he will go through a phase of confusion and come back. If he doesn't, then you'll have closure that you tried all you could and put your feelings out on the table. You will actually hurt less because you take comfort in the fact that you were the better person.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I appreciate your replies---but my question wasn't whether or not I should move on. Rather, why isn't he? What is the typical waiting time? What could he be waiting for?
We discussed boundaries of sleeping with other people--he says he's not and he lives 3 blocks away from me, I drive by his home everytime I'm out and about (not on purpose, just the way the road goes here) and I never see cars I don't recognize---like I said, it's hard to type every nuance of any relationship in this type of forum. I'm addressing that because the first reply to my post took my breath away though I understand the message. As far as the second post, no, there's no egos here, no fights. Just wondered how long other folks have sat on the fence---divorce is not to be taken lightly but our marriage shouldn't have been disposable either :0(


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's just his personality and who he is. It's impossible to change someone. They can only change themselves. I wish the best for you. I hope he comes around and realizes what he misses, but it doesn't sound that way.

Gee, I can't imagine not living with my husband, my heart would be crushed and I would lose a part of myself. I am really sorry. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My ex-husband is remarried. A few years ago they filed for divorce but then stopped it. They now live in their own houses.. the ones each owned before they were married. They date, spend all their holidays together, tavel together. It actually sounds kind nice.

I do not think it's unreasonable for him to feel that he cannot handle your son's issues. I have two step children whose issues have causes me so much trouble. I raised them from the ages of 10/11 on. Looking back my son and I might have been a lot better off had I not lived with my husband and his children. 

Give it a thought. The two of you do seem to have something. It might work for you.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Yes, it breaks my heart but I don't let that old thing get in the way (ha-ha)---seriously, I have to keep my wits about me. I am sad today because I feel like he has gone into his shell---does that make him not selfish rather shellfish?? Ha-ha again. 
I have to admit I like this too but I am dismayed by the reality that he may be using me---he's still on my health benefits (can't get him off without a divorce decree) and I HOPE that along with the sex aren't the only reasons he hasn't filed yet. My self-esteem has been taken down a few pegs (I'm sure you all know) so I'm having a hard time keeping perspective. My friend said, he left, he said that marriage is just a piece of paper (OUCH) that was at the beginning of the separation, he did say that he 'didn't mean that' but what if he did and then divorce would just be another set of papers? Or maybe we'll just stay in one day at a time---I'm just having a rough day I guess.
Thanks for reading :0)


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Hello,

I read your post, and relate in many ways. My wife also wants the divorce, i don't....I wanted to do everything i could to work things out...she doesn't.

I keep asking (and so does everyone else)...if it's what she wants, why doesn't she just file already? why does she keep me hanging on like this?

Well, i've come to a few conclusions. 

1. He isn't sure he wants the divorce (this is the least likely conclusion)
2. He is afraid of being alone, and isn't sure he can go through with it.
3. He is slowly acclimating himself to the point where it becomes easy for him to move on (which i think is what my wife is doing)
4. You're a safety net, if things blow up on him, he can just say "oh honey lets move back in together and be happy"
5. He is waiting for YOU to get fed up, and file so he doesn't have to feel guilty/burdened.

I am in the same boat though...i kind of want her to be happy..though its hard to believe if I want her to be happy because i'm so angry and wounded...thinking of her being happy, while i'm SO miserable is killing me, i can't bare it...

However, she wants the divorce, so i expect her to file....i *think* she is expecting me to get fed up, and file...but that's a burden she will take. I'm not going to do it for her.

I am very sorry, you seem just like me...clinging to hope, where hope is none 

It's painful, it hurts, but it helps to see other people out there in the world talking about it, relating, confiding, and trying to heal together.

Should you ever want to reach out to someone who relates, i'm all ears


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I am in the same boat right now. Husband left a month ago, said he wants a divorce and is now living in an apartment. He says he loves me but he doesn't want to try anymore. I have been so sad and miserable, but also know our marriage has not been good for a while.

He got an apartment 2 weeks ago, but is not really coming to move his things out. He has come by 3 times to see me, get his mail and talk to me, and all 3 times he tells me that he will get his things another time. Why? If you wanted to leave so bad, you would want to get your stuff out ASAP!

I asked him if he is 100% done and is going to file for divorce, he says "I think it's best", then chases it with "what do you think? I already told him that he left, he needs to file. Crap, I will even go with him to file!

Sorry for intruding on your thread, but I feel like I am in the same situation as you guys.




CSeryllum said:


> Hello,
> 
> I read your post, and relate in many ways. My wife also wants the divorce, i don't....I wanted to do everything i could to work things out...she doesn't.
> 
> ...


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Yes, your list of 5 have certainly gone through my head...he talks out of both sides of his face: one minute, it's "God is in charge, I control nothing. I'm in the moment" and then minutes later: "I know how this is going to end. You'll meet someone and then leave me." WHAT???? How crazy is that logic? Which is it? God or you?? So perhaps he is tired of being the 'bad guy' and wants me to do it...for today, I'm not ready. My heart hurts today---I've been good and strong for a couple of weeks so I guess it's all par for the course (weird as it is).
Still haven't heard from him but my buddy says it's only a matter of time that he'll call---she wants me to file or at least let him know I'm looking for an attorney. She thinks that'll get him doing something either "ok" or "wait, let's think about this." I'm not ready for the "ok" option so I'm "ok" with that for now.
Thanks for your post---it really does help to read and "talk" to other folks who are where I am :0)


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Its important, in my opinion, that if HE wants it, HE should file....don't let him make you do it...let him live with knowing he filed and did it...its a cop-out to try to make you do it, by making you wait, and you deserve better than to carry his burden!


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Yes. If I file, that allows him to be the victim. My husband feeds off of attention (a major problem in our marriage). If he tells people "she filed for divorce" everyone will say "poor baby", "how could she do that?".

He is being a big baby, and needs to man up and do it if that's what he wants. I think he doesn't want me, but doesn't want to let me go just yet.

My heart just dropped because I saw on his Facebook that he is at Ikea now. Guess he is buying new furnishings for his 'home'. I don't want to defriend him yet because it would just start stupid drama. I told myself that I will take the high road at all times and not going to let him see that he is getting to me. I love this forum because it allows me to vent 




CSeryllum said:


> Its important, in my opinion, that if HE wants it, HE should file....don't let him make you do it...let him live with knowing he filed and did it...its a cop-out to try to make you do it, by making you wait, and you deserve better than to carry his burden!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> My ex-husband is remarried. A few years ago they filed for divorce but then stopped it. They now live in their own houses.. the ones each owned before they were married. They date, spend all their holidays together, travel together. It actually sounds kind nice.


I'm at the point where I think that's where my husband and I are at. We spend time together hanging out on the weekends, have done holidays and are there for each other when we need it. But we have several issues that keep us apart and probably will keep us apart for the foreseeable future. 

We don't want to divorce but living together isn't a possibility. He actually asked me the other day if I would want to live with him. I didn't hesitate in saying "No". He feels the same way. 

He talks about us living together someday but there are several issues which I have discussed with him that would need to be resolved and he's unwilling to change anything..so we continue on. Little by little I have come to accept and adapt to this new life. In most ways it's been better. I guess it helps that I actually LIKE living on my own.

I often think that we'll end up living together again at some point as little more than friends and roommates..because it'll be advantageous for us to do so, without the emotional baggage and pain that we had when we were living as a married couple together. 

When you stop caring, you stop hurting. I'm working on that now. I just want peace and so does he. I guess we have that in common. 

I have come to the conclusion that I can't change anything about him or us, but need to change myself and adapt. I think that's all anyone can do. 

There is no right or wrong way to conduct a marriage or relationship. I guess it's what works for you.


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