# Marriage help- advice please



## D+L (May 30, 2016)

I'm new here... I don't know where to turn about this... Hoping someone here can please help with advice. Sorry for the rambling letter. Some background...

I'm 50, my husband's 53. We've been married 18 years, most very good, a few a little rocky, but a love match. Together for two more. Both attractive. No children. We both work out of our rural area farm, and are together 24/7. Finances are tight. Most of the time, we are compatible, and get along extremely well. I love him, and believe he loves me too. I think we are better together than apart.

We're both calm, logical, think similarly about many things- in a good way. He's smart, and more of a perfectionist than I, BUT, he can be bossy and controlling- a 'steam roller' or, even a bully at times. I choose my battles, but, it's too exhausting to fight over every little detail like he likes to, but I do stand up and fight when it's important and imperative that I do so.

Lately, I've had some serious health issues... a bad back injury that took a few years of rehab to gain limited mobility- (weight gain, and messy house now). Had to give up my job, and just found out I have (women's) cancer in stage 1. Had surgery for it, and we're waiting to go back, and see if I'm clear or not. 

I've also just lost 30 lbs, and am slim again (after his weight complaints- which was understandable). Did I mention slightly forgetful Menopause brain too? lol Yes, I can be forgetful at times, but it is not dementia or Alt. as he is alluding. (Always been a bit forgetful.)

He has always had a wandering eye, and is flirtatious, but hasn't strayed from our marriage. There are times I wonder if he's worsening the situation lately, so he can eventually be freed to pursue other women that he has had his eye on. 

He's highly critical of most things and people (unless he finds them attractive), and constantly makes remarks, "So and so has SO much ambition! (So and so is 23, and actually has done less with her life than I had at 23.) Too bad you don't have that kind of ambition anymore! I only like women with high ambition..." etc.

It's communicating with my husband during hard times, when there's high stress or he's tired from working hard that has been the worst. He pretty fair most of the time... but, becomes unreasonably angry if he doesn't agree/ like a situation/ my answer/ my family, etc, and becomes sharp tongued, and picky. Not abusive stuff, just hard to hear things, and bringing things to a head, especially things going not in a good direction.

He will say cutting things to provoke a response- worsening a situation, saying things I don't agree with- as if testing the waters (i.e "dropping word bombs")- to test if a particular thought he believes is true is true. It usually is something I don't agree with. 

Example; Early this AM, I was sleeping and we had an emergency flood in a baby chick pen from a broken water pipe. He ran in, waking me, I ran out to help gather them. I was hardly functioning as of yet, and he wanted me to decide which pen to temp. put them in (all were taken). It's tricky who to move as all the pens have purposes and you can't just throw certain groups together. 

Then he angrily spouted, "You're just like your mother...! You can't make a decision! This is why we are not going to work out. And I'm going to have to leave you..." I was in near tears, and couldn't respond. Then he said, "I have to deal with you... I am forced to." :crying:

I find when dealing with this level of stress, unfortunately (although I try not to) I tend to shut down... can't respond, or think properly until things are cooler and calm again. He does know this, we've discussed this. Still, he says these things, and I once he's said them, cannot take them back.

He wants to talk things out so that there are never any gray areas. This is often a good thing... but, he often worsens the situation if he becomes angrier if he disagrees, or, if I don't have a certain "idea" first (thinking of a solution before he does, etc.). "Sometimes things just run their course..."

Did I mention Menopause brain too? lol It's like I can't win no matter what I do, say, or don't say, or don't do. With my surgery (and possibly more to come, we can't afford counseling right now as every bit is going out right now.) 

He's not the easiest personalitlty, but I do love him and want to make this work.

Any thoughts/ advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Can't take them back. Got that right. Does he have someone who could reach out to him and he would listen? A guy friend? Someone to tell him about the stupidity of his ways.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You keep mentioning menopause brain. What is this exactly? Are you foggy, lose time, mentally slow? Are you tired a lot?

Your H is an idiot. He must be one of those know it all personalities. Do you go to church? If so, can you get your pastor to speak with him?


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Your husband needs to learn how to control his emotions. They are getting the better of him and its resulting in damage to his marriage. Ultimately, that will lead to way more problems and will just begin to compound.

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## D+L (May 30, 2016)

Tortdog said:


> Can't take them back. Got that right. Does he have someone who could reach out to him and he would listen? A guy friend? Someone to tell him about the stupidity of his ways.


His guy friends likely don't know about this, but may suspect he can be a little difficult to deal with at times. He rarely reacts in anger in front of others. It's usually when we are alone, and I've done something not the way he would've done it, etc. Unfortunately, I'm not close enough to talk to them about this.

I've always try to refrain from making comments that threaten our marriage. Once these things are introduced, you can't backswim, it's always an elephant in the room.


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## D+L (May 30, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> You keep mentioning menopause brain. What is this exactly? Are you foggy, lose time, mentally slow? Are you tired a lot?
> 
> Your H is an idiot. He must be one of those know it all personalities. Do you go to church? If so, can you get your pastor to speak with him?


Menopause brain as I know it... Little foggy at times, mentally slow (seconds to minutes) at recalling events/ names, etc. (eventually shows up though). Tired occasionally, but, rarely super energetic that may be due to the health issues. 

If stressed, I sometimes go blank for a second or so (but not a black out. I used to have anxiety attacks for years, but no longer. This may be related possibly.). I don't drink caffeine, diet low in sugar, or alcohol. Not diabetic, no blood sugar issues, etc.

He does know it all... however, it's not too annoying most of the time, as he's also funny, witty, sweet and thoughtful much of the time. When it comes out, it is usually relevant, and not to show off.

I'm just trying to get these out of control times back on track if I can, because I really fear it is taking us a direction I don't think either of us really want this to go. 

We are definitely fighting more lately, and it is becoming less respectful to me than it used to be, so I need to deal with this somehow.

We do not attend church.


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## D+L (May 30, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> Your husband needs to learn how to control his emotions. They are getting the better of him and its resulting in damage to his marriage. Ultimately, that will lead to way more problems and will just begin to compound.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


Thank you for your insightfulness. I thought this was the case as well.
I will think hard on this.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

D+L said:


> He rarely reacts in anger in front of others.




If he gets angry around you and not in front of others, he knows he can't get away with that kind of behavior with everyone else.

Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

What do you do when he gets angry and yells/criticises you like that?

I would not put up with it. The second he starts going off on you, I would put my hand up and tell him to talk to you with respect. If he doesn't, walk away. Don't allow that behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is a tough one.......He needs some kind of shock therapy......As in you may need to put your foot down with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be treated this way. However, this may be exactly what he wants....an excuse to be free to pursue other options. If you do this, and only you know when you have reached your limit, you have to be ready for the consequences, whatever they may be. Good luck and continue to check in here. That will be $5 on your way out.......please pay at the door.......


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## D+L (May 30, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> If he gets angry around you and not in front of others, he knows he can't get away with that kind of behavior with everyone else.
> 
> Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10


Thank you so much for your reply. 

Actually, more accurate would be to say, he does not hold back a tirade back from others if he feels they aren't doing something right... he is just not concentrating on being angry at ME at those times or showing previous anger at me, so they have never seen it.

Everyone seems to accept this as just him- his personality. They don't take this too personally (he is an independent thinker). Easier to ignore this behavior when it's not directed at you.

Actually, when he's socializing with family or friends he is normally in a great frame of mind, and putting pressures behind him. This often has been happening over a simple miscommunication- much of the time, my own fault because I wasn't being clear.


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## D+L (May 30, 2016)

Anonymous07 said:


> What do you do when he gets angry and yells/criticises you like that?
> 
> I would not put up with it. The second he starts going off on you, I would put my hand up and tell him to talk to you with respect. If he doesn't, walk away. Don't allow that behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is difficult for me... Truly I hate it, and have disscussed that he needs to be more respectful and use a less angry tone of voice...but, I am a respectful person, so I tend to stop and listen when others are having a moment. Maybe I should walk away, but, I do fear making things during these arguments worse.

I used to argue more when I was younger, and walk away when I was much younger (with an ex boyfriend). That relationship ended badly. Now that I am older, my marriage has been more an important priority to me to resolve problem issues than it used to be. 

Sometimes in the midst of a heated argument, sometimes I will freeze for a minute, and replies will leave my head. :frown2: When he said those mean things day before yesterday, my heart fell into my stomach, and I was shocked, struck speechless for awhile. :surprise:


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## D+L (May 30, 2016)

Betrayedone said:


> This is a tough one.......He needs some kind of shock therapy......As in you may need to put your foot down with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be treated this way. However, this may be exactly what he wants....an excuse to be free to pursue other options. If you do this, and only you know when you have reached your limit, you have to be ready for the consequences, whatever they may be. Good luck and continue to check in here. That will be $5 on your way out.......please pay at the door.......



Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate your honest assessment, and am sure it is fairly accurate.

I have thought this over many times myself...how I could better my responses? I do agree that shock therapy would shake up the current pattern we currently are in. This sounds like it perhaps should be a last resort as it is drastic and could have bad consequences.

I have been somewhat reticent to shake the boat too much for fear of worsening these issues to the point of no return. I really do wish to improve our marriage and communications, and I am partially to blame for this- even though I did not want us to come down to this.

He sometimes says things just to be contrary, or to the extreme (And magnifies or exaggerates things.). He's a pretty fearless person actually- brutally honest and true to himself- even though I don't always agree with him. I often shake my head wondering how he gets away saying some things he does to myself or other people.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

oh deal Lord... You are in an abusive relationship. Your husband is so insensitive!!! 

" I am going to have to leave you?" WTF!!!!

what would you do if you separated? How are your finances? WHo gets the farm? Will you receive alimony? Please please please.... get prepared for such inconvenience. 
Also search your area for a program to help women identify abuse, and how to survive it. I am so sorry for you...


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## D+L (May 30, 2016)

ne9907 said:


> oh deal Lord... You are in an abusive relationship. Your husband is so insensitive!!!
> 
> " I am going to have to leave you?" WTF!!!!
> 
> ...


Yes I agree, he can be very insensitive at times. And it is his biggest fault. However, I disagree about being abusive, as this acting out of frustration he's been doing (to some of our communications- or miscommunications) has been a fairly new development- noticeably different, say even within the last 6 months or so. Far less tolerant of our differences than he used to be, and unwilling to stay calm to get down to the bottom of whatever is the disagreement.

Example: Last night's argument.

Him: "Did you shut off the water in the garden?" (We have a couple of gardens and were currently standing in one.)
Me: Looking around and heading for the nearest water spiket. "It's off..."
Him: Rolls eyes. "I meant your garden..." (And gets frustrated AGAIN.)
Me: "Oh...Of course." 

A stupid miscommunication that gets blown out of proportion, then exaggerated.

The farm is his. I would have to go and start over. The back issues and cancer surgery have sucked most of my savings dry at this point. Maybe alimony. I will have to look at my options more seriously.


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## D+L (May 30, 2016)

Another note about the insensitivity- it is not a majority of the time, it is small episodes. It is when he is frustrated if communications breaks down, and is often tired when this happens. Most of the time he is thoughtful, sweet, loving, attentive- holds my hand daily, and calls me honey, rubs my feet, etc. 

He helped me get through the worst of my back issues by doing major physical therapy with me daily. If I need anything, he is there for me. This is more about dealing with frustration and anger I think.


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## MikeTO (Aug 18, 2016)

You can try using words to tone down his emotions. For example... wow you are peeved at me. It is better than being angry.


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## txryan (Mar 25, 2017)

I know that my wife and I have our UPS and downs, but in the end, we just keep on plugging on in our marriage 💑. We, too, have our share of financial problems too, but with the help of the good lord above, we really feel closer to each other, in our hearts ♥ but the devil doesn't like that, so he attempts to make it harder, but we counter act that with prayer 🙏.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This thread is from June - and the OP left the building long ago.


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