# My husband is too attached to his mom



## Leila09 (Feb 25, 2018)

I don’t know how to handle this anymore, I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like I just have to let my husband be the way he is with his mother regardless the way it makes me feel. We started dating back in high school and it has been this way ever since. At first I though the mother son relationship he had was just fine and I thought his mom was always coming from a good place because she cared about him. After years of getting to know there relationship more My opinion now differs. My husband lost his dad when he was 15 and he is the eldest of his two brothers. Because of this he has felt the need to always tend to his mom and make sure she is okay no matter what. I do understand this because of the fact his mom doesn’t have her man in her life anymore so now she completely relies on her son. It just has gotten out of hand. When we were younger his mom would make him feel extremely guilty when he was spending time going out on dates with me then he was with her. She would say things to our faces and I will never forget when she said at least you love her and not me. This gives you an idea how it has been our whole relationship. He was also still living with his mom till he was almost 21. And i cannot tell you how hard it was for him to finally move away from her and start a life with me. When i Mean hard it was hard on me. His mom would tell him he needs stay and it was getting to the point where she would bribe him by saying if you stay till this time I will pay for your whole wedding. This point we had been engaged for 1 year already. So pretty much our whole engagement he was living at home. I would tell him you need to sit down and talk to her and explain that we’re starting a life together we are getting married and I can’t be living with you anymore. He would always avoid those talks with her and always make excuses for the way she acted by saying that’s just the way she is there is nothing we can do about it. Fast forward to when we finally moved, have our own place. His mom texts him every day and calls him every day. I’m not being dramatic, it is true. She calls him baby, babe, love of my life etc. Basically what a wife tells her husband. Since we have been living together I feel like there is no privacy in our relationship because I will find out something we talked about his mom now knows. The only thing my husband won’t listen to me about is his mom. He will sit there and tell me what’s wrong and such and I will explain to him very calmly and he will immediately snap and tell me i’m ridiculous and this and that. I just don’t know what to do. I just always had thought if a son treats his mom with respect he would do the same for his wife. I don’t want to keep going on about this because there is a lot to it but this just is a glimpse to what it is like. What do I do?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

What do you do?

Reread YOUR post and pretend your BFF wrote it or your future daughter.


This is a no brainer but then again ...

Sorry- trying to temper my sarcasm.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

My mom was similar. A book you two might find helpful is Understanding the Borderline Mother. Basically it all boils down to your husband maintaining clear, consistent boundaries with her. The book might help him see the dynamic at play more. You won't be able to change her, so you just have to control the amount of her you allow in your life.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Stop thinking you can change him.

That's what you do.

Although there are those books people will suggest, if you can get your husband to read them with you.

But marrying a man with the expectation to change him into what you hope he will be is not usually a winning proposition.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

If he is Christian have him read Genesis 2:24. If he is not Christian instruct him that this ancient wisdom is universal and will apply to your future marriage anyway. 

He needs to set and stick to proper boundaries with his mother. Ask him do this now BEFORE you marry him. Do not marry him if he won't establish reasonable boundaries. Let him know too that once married a condition of marriage will be that he honors those boundaries. He is letting his mom manipulate him. My best friend was last like this, and he lost many good prospects because of it. I wanted to tell his Mom, "You may think your son is better than his girlfriend, but let me tell you: he is no Brad Pitt." I tried to correct him, but he never listened. He got married, but nothing changed. His wife and mom don't talk. It's a shame. You are in the fortunate position of being able to see if he will abide by your request. If he doesn't you have your answer.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, I think by fast forward she meant fast forward to after the wedding.

She married him after living this nightmare for over a year, with the hope and prayer he would somehow snap out of it, or she could change him, once he put the ring on her finger.

Is this about right, @Leila09 ?


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## Leila09 (Feb 25, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Well, I think by fast forward she meant fast forward to after the wedding.
> 
> She married him after living this nightmare for over a year, with the hope and prayer he would somehow snap out of it, or she could change him, once he put the ring on her finger.
> 
> Is this about right, @Leila09 ?




Yes, It’s confusing at times because he can make me feel like i am number one to him and other times like when it comes to his mom I can’t say anything about it because it turns into a fight. I thought when he finally moved out of his house then it would be easier. It honestly has been better him not living there but I still feel like she is breathing down are necks wanting to know every aspect of our lives even though we have moved away. It hasn’t changed. His mom has been manipulating him since his dad died. He lets it happen. She can make him feel like **** because he didn’t do something for her and didn’t say i love you right away when he called her. I can only imagine what he would say to me if I treated him that way.


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## Leila09 (Feb 25, 2018)

Rick Blaine said:


> If he is Christian have him read Genesis 2:24. If he is not Christian instruct him that this ancient wisdom is universal and will apply to your future marriage anyway.
> 
> He needs to set and stick to proper boundaries with his mother. Ask him do this now BEFORE you marry him. Do not marry him if he won't establish reasonable boundaries. Let him know too that once married a condition of marriage will be that he honors those boundaries. He is letting his mom manipulate him. My best friend was last like this, and he lost many good prospects because of it. I wanted to tell his Mom, "You may think your son is better than his girlfriend, but let me tell you: he is no Brad Pitt." I tried to correct him, but he never listened. He got married, but nothing changed. His wife and mom don't talk. It's a shame. You are in the fortunate position of being able to see if he will abide by your request. If he doesn't you have your answer.


He used to be. Times have changed he has debates with himself if god actually even exists. Anyway, I’ve tried to establish boundaries sometimes it works other times not so much. If I bring up anything related to his mom he shuts me out and treats me like garbage for bringing it up. I want him to have a relationship with his mom of course I don’t put the relationship he has with her is not healthy i’ve been around to know how she treats him but just takes it. With me since i’m his wife he thinks he can talk to me however he pleases.


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## Leila09 (Feb 25, 2018)

sandcastle said:


> What do you do?
> 
> Reread YOUR post and pretend your BFF wrote it or your future daughter.
> 
> ...



What do you mean?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Leila09 said:


> He used to be. Times have changed he has debates with himself if god actually even exists. Anyway, I’ve tried to establish boundaries sometimes it works other times not so much. If I bring up anything related to his mom he shuts me out and treats me like garbage for bringing it up. I want him to have a relationship with his mom of course I don’t put the relationship he has with her is not healthy i’ve been around to know how she treats him but just takes it. With me since i’m his wife he thinks he can talk to me however he pleases.


If he won't abide the boundaries now he won't in the marriage. This is more than an issue about him and his mother. It's an issue about the respect he has for you. If he shuts down when you establish boundaries now, he will do so with other big issues that pop up once married. You see, by letting him shut down the conversation you are tacitly letting him have his way. He will use this tactic every time. 

Marriage is a lifetime promise. It would be tragedy to make a promise you can't keep.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She has made him her surrogate husband. She gets all her emotional needs met through him. She is being very selfish and is only thinking of herself. 

My advise would be to 
a) both go to marriage counselling about this and 
b) move RIGHT away. 

My husbands mother tried to do this with him. Her marriage was very unhappy and later they divorced so he became her surrogate husband. She would do what your husbands mother does, call him all sort of endearment names that were for lovers,and give him heart shaped gifts etc. It was weird. Its so unhealthy and dysfunctional. Fortunately for him circumstances led him to move the other side of the world when he was 29, and after that her rarely saw her and didnt ring often either. 

She needs to make a life for herself, you can't and shouldn't live your life though your children. Your husband must set boundaries such as maybe ringing her once a week, seeing her once a month or so. If she ever starts on the manipulation he needs to put the phone down or leave the house if he is there. She will hate it but its for everyone's good. 

Many marriages end because of this sort of thing, you must act. Hopefully a marriage counsellor wil help him to see how dysfunctional this is.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Some better sharpness on the details would be useful.

I get the feeling you have been married for a while, as in years now. And you live on your own, but still fairly close.

So how long have you been married?

And about how many miles are there between your place and your mother in law's home?

I still think you were being very naive to take on this challenge. I do think your expectations that he should have better boundaries with his mother and better love for you are correct. Without doubt he should be putting you first. But us knowing that is right, and your husband doing it... alas.

Sadly @Leila09 , I am not sure him loving you correctly will be realized.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get a man to stop being guilted by a mother like he has. Not without years of therapy on his part.


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