# Controlled Separation



## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

My H and I have just embarked on a "Controlled Separation." We have written a contract, laid out all the rules, and agreed to a 6 month wait before contacting attorneys. We have 2 boys who are devastated, but I'm trying to hold them together.

Sh . . hit the fan back in December when I asked him about what I thought was an inappropriate relationship with a woman at work. Deny, Deny, Deny. I confronted him end of January when I got into his email. Clearly he was involved in an affair. We have been seeing a MC since March 1, and separated last week. My hope is that time and space will help each of us gain perspective and help us rebuild. Not sure what he hopes, but he has committed to MC. 

Initially, I did everything wrong, and just pushed him further away. Now I've stopped fighting the separation, stopped trying to fix and change him, accepted that our relationship has changed. I've been doing the 180 for a couple weeks. It is empowering, and I think he might be noticing. Problem is that I miss him terribly, and when he pays me a little bit of attention, I want to melt, cry, crawl, beg . . . How should I respond to his affectionate touches, and "I love you's" at this early stage???


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I am in the same boat as you are, only no contracts and no length of time has been determined. But no dating other people, etc.

Well, as far as responding to his affection, how do you want to respond? I don't think being cold is the route to take. If you are not normally an affectionate person, then maybe a 180 for you would be to be more affectionate.

As hard as this is, take this time to focus on YOU and work on you and your happiness.
I hope you guys can make it work and have a stronger marriage in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Me, Me, Me. Got it! Thank you for the reminder. Starting this week, I have one night without my family/kids. I don't even know what to do or where to go. When did I lose myself?
Yes, I think of myself as very affectionate, but I think I have really pulled away in recent years. He has said that he didn't feel loved, and we just became really great co-parents. Ouch.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Try to find yourself again. If anything, just go browse the local bookstore and get yourself a cup of coffee and lose yourself in a good book.
Take a class you've always wanted to try...something to make you feel good about YOU.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I really hope your situation turns out better than mine. I am hopeless now and ready to move on with my life. I guess I never figured out how to back off and be okay with the uncertainty. Or I never got how to live in limbo. WHo knows?! But obviously my H was pulled in another direction, and that, I had no control over. All you can do is control yourself and that's what I'm doing now.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Lonely I am the same way. It is taking every ounce of my being to deal with all the "What If's" and uncertainty. It's killing me. If I don't hear from my H every day I start to panic and think he has had second thoughts about holding off on the D. I realize this is no way to live my life, but trying to find the switch to turn off the anxiety of it all is impossible.

Just take it one minute at a time if you have to. I know that is what I have to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi DG and all others, from a man's perspective, we can be full 
of sh1t. We do things only after to regret and swallow the pill
Of pride and shame. I never cheated on my W, we simply
Grew apart and that continued to do so. Here are some great
Ways to relax;

1. Play some cool music, like "the beach soundtrack" or something
Quite but uplifting. Turn off all the lights, lay down and place
Your hands over your heart, deep breath in and slowly out.
Get lost, find a positive phrase like "I am gorgeous, worthy, confident, 
Successful in my destiny. Do this for half an hour and
Concentrate on your heart beating, listen and feel it while
Running these positive thoughts thru your mind. Listen to the
Words of the carefully, don't think of anything else. Get up and
Go for a nice warm bath and really wash every part of
Yourself slowly and then stop and think of how wonderful each
And every part of you is.

2. Talk slowly to yourself, tell yourself how sorry you are and
How bad you feel about beating the cr*p outta yourself.

3. Watch old movies that you love, some that helped me are 
"shallow hal, cast away, the beach, casino, loosing sarah marshall,
Bad santa and the list goes on. It will help you laugh and 
Sometimes cry because you are getting your feelings intune.

Just my advise
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AARGH! He just came to pick up the kids for baseball practice, and we went over a few scheduling items for this weekend. As he was leaving, I said "I love you." It just slipped out of habit. I was almost horrified! He said it back to me, but I'm so pissed at myself for saying it first!!!! Lord, I feel like I'm 17, playing silly games.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Sas581011 said:


> 3. Watch old movies that you love, some that helped me are
> "shallow hal, cast away, the beach, casino, loosing sarah marshall,
> Bad santa and the list goes on. It will help you laugh and
> Sometimes cry because you are getting your feelings intune.
> ...


I appreciate your advice, but maybe not your taste in movies;-) OK, Sarah Marshall was hysterical, and I love Casino, but really, you are all over the place!!!! Maybe that's the point.


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