# He Tried To Call My Wife Again...



## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

First, a quick synopsis of why I'm on this site...I found out about 2 months ago my wife had a 2-3 month EA with an ex-boyfriend, online talk, phone talk and picture exchange. When I confronted her she admitted she had already begun to break things off but that she had some unresolved feelings for him from their previous relationship, etc...

So a few nights ago, I call my wife and she is very upset. She says he tried to call her...it actually made me happy to hear this because she followed through on her promise to make me aware if he tried contacting her. We talked about it that night, and she was very upset, said he probably just wants to use her to get off again and that's all he wants with her.

While I'm glad she sees the light, I can't help but be concerned that she's so disappointed that he doesn't want more from her. This is telling me that she WANTS him to want more from her, thus her attraction to him is not broken. She's saying and doing the right things with me for the most part, am I just being too sensitive to the situation or is there something here I should be genuinely concerned with? Just need some opinions, thanks in advance...


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

IMO - I think your wife's response speaks volumes! She kept her promise and told you immediately he tried to contact her. Wonderful that you two talked through this. She was upset about it because she knows he is just using her. GREAT! 

_While I'm glad she sees the light, I can't help but be concerned that she's so disappointed that he doesn't want more from her. This is telling me that she WANTS him to want more from her, thus her attraction to him is not broken. She's saying and doing the right things with me for the most part, am I just being too sensitive to the situation or is there something here I should be genuinely concerned with?_

I totally understand why you would read more into it, that she's upset because she wants him to want her more, etc. DON'T GO THERE! She is upset because she knows he is a jerk who is using her, trying to mess around with a married woman, cares nothing about her, etc. Stay with that, focus on that, help her through that. Don't go with the prodding her of "do you want him to want you more?", etc. Don't. Be confident - your wife loves you, chose to stay with you, wants to make her marriage work with YOU. 

Just continue doing what you are doing and focus on the two of you and rebuilding that relationship and making it continually stronger. Good Luck!


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

You're right, I'm choosing to focus on the negative here. I just want to face it now instead of having it come back again later, it's like I'm seeking out any reason to have conflict which is the complete opposite of how I normally am. But she is doing the things she said she'd do, and she does seem to genuinely want to makes this work, so I'll take your advice and focus on that .


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Hey Cowboy,
Not sure if this helps, but before I knew about my H's A's I gave him a lot of independence - including when he mentioned OWomen's 'offers' to him. Trusted him to brush them off, but clearly that wasn't his strong suit. Now we're on a much better path, but a change in me. If I get 1 single hint of any other person getting near my turf I'm on it with a vengence. Have taken his phone out of his hand to delete a 'business' contact made right in front of me. I didnt' by the person's intentions and deleted it. He let me. He thought I was crazy, but he saw me defend my interests - and I think he needed to see that in me. I care. And I will not let anyone get in my way again. 

I guess when I read your post I thought now that you know, and she's on your team again, man I would give that A-hole a piece of my mind if he tries to call her again. Might be impossible, but even if you can't talk directly to him - let her see you get into defend mode. Maybe its what she wants. Sounds like a sick game - and trust me I am NOT a gamer. And I might be terribly wrong. BUT if you trust her - match her anger against HIM. Does this make sense?


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

stillINshock said:


> Hey Cowboy,
> Might be impossible, but even if you can't talk directly to him - let her see you get into defend mode. Maybe its what she wants. Sounds like a sick game - and trust me I am NOT a gamer. And I might be terribly wrong. BUT if you trust her - match her anger against HIM. Does this make sense?


Makes perfect sense, thank you. I did share an email I wrote him with her (prior to this latest call) and she seemed to really appreciate it. I guess my hesitancy is not knowing if she WANTS him to contact her, which would indicate to me I should stay out of it and move on. But you're right, she's worth fighting for and I need to start acting like it. I do have ALL his contact info and may end up calling him before the day is out, I think once this changes from an online/phone game for him to hearing my voice and what I have to say he'll understand the weight of the issue and back off.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I think her reaction is normal. Is she upset because she felt she meant more to him? Probably. But she also is realizing that she has been used by him. As she separates from him this will become more clear to her and things will get easier. In addition to "losing him" she is dealing with her own guilt in betraying you and the shame of being played. Don't read too much in her feelings that she may have wanted him to desire her in a deeper way, it is part of the grieving process but she will work through it. There are a lot of positive signs here.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> I think her reaction is normal. Is she upset because she felt she meant more to him? Probably. But she also is realizing that she has been used by him. As she separates from him this will become more clear to her and things will get easier. In addition to "losing him" she is dealing with her own guilt in betraying you and the shame of being played. Don't read too much in her feelings that she may have wanted him to desire her in a deeper way, it is part of the grieving process but she will work through it. There are a lot of positive signs here.


I agree, thanks again...I kinda thought I was focusing a little too much on the negative right now, but I know she's trying and will just have to be patient while she works through some of these feelings on her own. But I'm still likely going to call this dude today and ensure he gets the picture to stay away.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

cowboyfan said:


> So a few nights ago, I call my wife and she is very upset. She says he tried to call her...it actually made me happy to hear this because she followed through on her promise to make me aware if he tried contacting her. We talked about it that night, and she was very upset, said he probably just wants to use her to get off again and that's all he wants with her.


I think this is all good actually. She's talking to you about it rather than hiding it. She's trying to stay emotionally connnected to you rather than to him.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Quick update - I did call this guy yesterday, I 'bluffed' my call so his caller id saw her cell phone number and he picked up. When I said hello he pretended I had the wrong number, what an ass. Anyway after some brief discussion (mostly on my end) I'm pretty comfortable he won't be calling again...essentially I think he just needed to hear my anger and know that pursuing why wife would not lead to good things for him.  

I was originally hesitant to place this call because I was torn on whether my wife WANTED his attention, but at this point (and this thread helped) I'm comfortable she'd be okay with what I did. I plan on telling her tonight, so I guess I'll find out!


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