# Can't have sex anymore



## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

(Offshoot of this lengthy thread)

My wife and I were physically quite intimate before marriage. Pre-marital sex is a huge taboo in my culture (India), so we didn't have sex but we were kissing and fondling each other all the time, even in taxis... 

Immediately after our marriage I realized that my wife was making one excuse after another to not have sex. At most she would let me suck her breasts (I can't even touch her p****) and made me make her c**, mostly by riding on top of me over my underwear... She was even very reluctant about giving me BJ's, and doesn't really like it.

This continued for 4 yrs - all the while I waited, hoping she'd grow up (she's very immature IMO), but to no avail. Tried going on dates with her, buying her presents, lingerie, talking about my fantasies, asking about hers... nothing worked. Finally, I threatened to break up with her, and that's when I really had sex with her, for the first time.

After that she's more serious about sex but nevertheless, gives me one excuse or another. By this time I realize I don't want sex from her. I feel, like, _now _she understands how she's deprived me? After I've threatened her with divorce?? What kind of love is that??

She senses all this, and when she makes advances I'm cold. In fact I'm always cold, and can't even masturbate anymore without sweating all over. I honestly don't feel masculine anymore, sexually that is. The very thought of sex makes me sick, although I do find myself randomly attracted to other women..

What should I do? What is going on in my marriage?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's the sexual frustration made you feel lost and not recognise yourself.
Deep in your heart, you still desire true love and passion from your wife.
You feel lost because you wish to enjoy the sweet love making with your wife but she's not showing you the love you need. 
You will need to communicate with her.
More communication. You might need to make her understand her body also has sexual needs but she's tried to ignore. You want to make her understand her pxxxy also has a need to feel your hard tool thrusting and making her reach her first orgasm with you.
You will need to show & guide her that you can make her feel so good having sex with you.
Don't lose your patient and your passion for your wife. Maybe she's just scared of pain or being shy. You will need to know how she feels about sex. Try to fall in love with her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

akcroy,

If there is no sex, there is no passion; when there is no passion, we find life meaningless.

We are human being, we are designed to yearn for intimacy! 

Others might tell you to work harder and wait for miracles to happen. I have a different opinion, it is difficult for people to change, miracles do happen, but not often! 

If you see that is impossible for her to change, leave, leave this sexless marriage. But before you leave, still give her one more chance! 

Go back to the dating time, let her know if she doesn't try harder, she is going to lose you! Some people take others for granted when they have the marriage certificate, it is a wrong idea for people to have. No matter we are married or not, we have to try hard to make the other one happy! 

Sit down with her, and tell her what's in your mind, tell her you want to work out your marriage, but you want to see a happy result. If she agrees to work hard, give her encouragement and compliment, and tell her you will work hard to make her happy too.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Thanks for all the suggestions everybody. @Pandakiss thanks for following me to this thread, sincerely appreciated.

I think at this point the problem is more ME than HER. I can't seem to forgive her for all she's done, and I find it hypocritical on some level that she's suddenly snapped to become this loving wife who's interested in sex. 

I mean, now that i'm threatening to leave her that she's interested in sex? She couldn't "understand" (her words) how mean she was being to me, how less she cared about me? Those are the things I can't overcome.. 

I feel like a horrible person. I don't know what to do.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Now your wife has just learnt how to have sex because she wanted to save her marriage.
She was a virgin,a very clean and pure woman, you need to understand she never knew how to have sex, she's scared, nervous, and shy. That's why she kept you waiting. Not because she doesn't love you or she's so bad.
You might need to tell her not to feel shy in front of her own husband. Nothing is shy between husband & wife.
You really want to spend time loving your wife not hating. 
There are still lots of work in marriage for you to do.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's possible she felt pain during sex. Sex isn't enjoyable for women when pain occurs.
When she feels uncomfortable, she doesn't want more. She will find excuses. Won't you do the same? If you must force yourself to do something that is painful? 
Did she enjoy having sex with you? Did she tell you she felt painful or uncomfortable?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

akcroy said:


> Thanks for all the suggestions everybody. @Pandakiss thanks for following me to this thread, sincerely appreciated.
> 
> I think at this point the problem is more ME than HER. I can't seem to forgive her for all she's done, and I find it hypocritical on some level that she's suddenly snapped to become this loving wife who's interested in sex.
> 
> ...


Forgiving is a very precious quality for us to have. When others are showing sincere attitude to be nice to us, we have to forget what happened in this past, only by doing this, we give us much more peaceful mind. 

Please don't expect perfection, there is no perfection. She might have realized that if she doesn't please you, she might lose you, so she is trying hard to keep you around. It might be selfish for her to think like this, but who is not selfish? 

We have to tolerate what we can tolerate, there is no ideal woman! Or ideal man.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Hi again, and thank you once again for your thoughts. 

I understand that as human beings we need to be forgiving, but I fear she hasn't really changed. E.g. after I threatened to break up with her and she had sex with me - well she hadn't been sexually intimate since then and till my next display of visible displeasure (aloofness). 

In other words I feel like I have to be constantly mentally alert to have her attention. Unless I have the emotional/moral upper hand, I can very well tell that she isn't as interested in what I am telling her. So it's quite likely that once things are working out, she'll slowly start being herself again. I can attest to this based on our previous fights. I have forgiven her over and over again. 

She is incredibly self-invested in her personal affairs, e.g. work, but we don't really have any shared interests, e.g. movies, books, tv. True, we give each other company but that's pretty much it. Yesterday we had a fight because at long lost we received immigration papers, but some documents need to be mailed. This requires our photographs as well, and I asked her to get pictures taken. She refused, because she had other plans.. like getting her eyebrows done. She works at a shopping mall, how long can it take her to get some pictures taken? And yet this is something very important for both of us, as any hopeful immigrant will tell you.

In other words there's really no "teamwork" between us, and our lack of sex is the glaring finale. I don't even feel attracted to her (or anybody really) anymore, and if there's anybody who's having trust issues it's me, not her. 

I don't think anybody can be considered "chaste" if that person so heartlessly ignores the emotional needs of the ones near her. Our bodies are merely manifestations of our minds. At this point even if our marriage survives somehow, I know for a fact that I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if this woman really loves me or not. I know she's trying to win my confidence, but I'm not sure she's really trying hard enough..

I know that's a harsh thing to say, but I am really trying to forgive her, but as you can understand it's not easy for me, especially when I'm having doubts about her sincereness. However, I'm surprised at how easily she can get impatient with me, whereas I never really pressurized her or picked a fight about not having sex, etc. Now it's almost like she's giving me this message: okay I'm sorry, let's move on now and the past never happened.

That I can't take. I'm still trying, but it's very hard.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is good. You are starting to really "get it". 
1. She isn't truly remorseful even though she hurt you terribly
2. She STILL isn't prioritizing even your "simple" requests like photos
3. Her MAIN driver is divorce avoidance not:
- your happiness
- basic fairness




akcroy said:


> Hi again, and thank you once again for your thoughts.
> 
> I understand that as human beings we need to be forgiving, but I fear she hasn't really changed. E.g. after I threatened to break up with her and she had sex with me - well she hadn't been sexually intimate since then and till my next display of visible displeasure (aloofness).
> 
> ...


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your resentments make you confused.

You need more intimacy from her to send your resentments & confusions away. When you don't feel interested in her, you need even more sex with her to recover your interests.

Stop being mad at her. She's your wife. She's a woman. Woman needs lots of love from her husband. Woman needs lots of security. You're not giving her love but your resentments.

Talk to her & ask her for sex. Initiate sex, don't wait her to initiate. Make her understand sex is beautiful. When she gets the idea that sex is great, naturally, she comes for more. 

... Low down your manhood ego. She's your wife.

She's still a good girl in my views. She has no experiences with other men & she was a virgin.

If she doesn't love sex after she gave you her virginity, I'm sorry to tell you, but this is acutally your fault. 

Because you made her hate sex. It's you!

She has no other man. She is so unlucky that she lost her virginity in such terrible way because of your threatening.

She only has sex with you & you made her hate sex.

Keep in mind that you made her hate sex. Not other men. She only experienced sex with you in her entire life.

You think you're good enough, but her behaviors tells everybody she doesn't enjoy sex with you.

The problem is you. Because of you, she doesn't like sex, not because of other man.

She's still learning how to have sex & how to enjoy it. 

I believe she's very painful already but she's not giving up sex with you, and she's not giving up her marriage with you. 

You should feel happy & sorry what you have done to her.

You took away her virginity as if she's a piece of junk to throw away!!!

You don't love her. You only love her to have sex. Now she gave you sex, but you are thinking about to throw her away again.

You know it's very hard for divorced women to get married again in your culture. Women without their husbands are not accepted by the society & hard to survive. 

You used the most terrible thing to threaten her -divorce, abandon her.

What kind of man you're? You sounded more heartless. It's very unlucky that she chose you to be your wife.

You gave her miserable sexual life.

Now you wanted to throw her away again.

How much do you know her feelings? 

Do you know she is as painful as you? 

Do you know she's as confused as you?

How does she feel when she's having sex with you?

Please understand your wife before you want to hate & judge her.

Your wife also has emotional & sexual needs. She needs love from her husband, not hate. She needs wonderful sex from husband, not miserable sex.

When she comes to you to have sex, please don't give her your angry face. 

No woman wants to have sex with an angry man.

She deserves a better man who is able to teach her SEX IS GREAT.

Unluckily, she met you & fell in love with you. She married you only to find out that SEX IS TERRIBLE. 

Sex is a painful task for her to make you happy!

She's already tried to make you happy, but you never feel happy.

I guess divorce is what you want.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> This is good. You are starting to really "get it".
> 1. She isn't truly remorseful even though she hurt you terribly
> 2. She STILL isn't prioritizing even your "simple" requests like photos
> 3. Her MAIN driver is divorce avoidance not:
> ...


Sorry,

No woman on earth falling in love with a man doesn't want happiness with her husband.

Her husband threatened her to divorce so she forced herself to have sex & he's the one should feel remoserful and apologise to her.

After he shows people that he's a correct husband, then he can complain that his wife is bad.

Apologize to his wife first.

No woman should give away her first time to a man because of fear.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Don't know much about your case, I can only relate to Chinese women's situation. 

Chinese women know that it is important for them to provide their men sex, they are taught that this is a tool for them to keep their men. 

But according to what I know, a lot of Chinese women don't like to have sex. Why not? I keep on asking this question. Our mind is not poisoned by religious teaching. We do have our culture says we shouldn't act like ******, but I just don't see why a lot of Chinese women don't like sex. 

Then I realized that Chinese men are very macho and conservative, they are not very seductive, they don't know much about how to make a woman horny. they only care about their only pleasure, sex is for the men to have fun, for the women to provide. 

But women's body can react very frustrated if they don't get to enjoy sex. 

Sex is wonderful, orgasms are wonderful, but only after the women know the wonderful feeling it has. It is no problem for men since men have no problem to cum. But women's bodies aren't designed this way! 

And she might also be inhibited by your religious teaching, I remember in India there are religions condemn sex!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

@Greenpearl,

I can't image. 

To give away virginity because of fear and being threatened.

When you understand a bit Indian culture. It's very unfair to women.

Women without husbands are not accepted unless she's from a good background, but people would judge her just the same.

It's very heartless to threaten divorce, I'm sure she's terrified that she quickly took off her pants and let him fk her.

Gee, first time must be painful. As women, we all know how painful it was.

She had double pain, not only physically & mentally.

After fk, she wished her husband would feel happy but no.

He's never happy. He expects her to take off her pants more automatically and more often. He's mad at her, but he forgot that she doesn't enjoy sex at all. 

Ladies, will you enjoy sex in this way?

So, if she doesn't come to initiate sex, he would get mad & indifferent to her.

Then she saw the angry face, she understood that she must take off her pants to make him happy.

Now this husband is still not happy feeling bored of her body and getting ready to dump her again if she doesn't take off her pants with a big smile on her face more often & more automatically.

I feel so sorry for her because she's not my daughter & I don't know if her family is powerful enough to protect her or not. She must have good family backgroud to survive if she gets divorced.
Everyday she's living in the fear that her husband would leave her.
What kind of husband is this?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

@ men11363, don't blame the woman who doesn't enjoy sex with him, she was a virgin, if she doesn't like sex is HIS fault. She doesn't know sex could give her so much hurt & pain in marriage, and don't blame the poor wife for sex and encourage him to be a more terrible husband.
Sex is important. You want to have sex, make sure you do it in a nice way. When the lady likes it with you, she comes for more. When the lady doesn't like it with you, think about it's your fault. She's a wife, she should give sex, but not a whor. She shouldn't give sex when she doesn't enjoy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

BTW, Pls don't theaten powerless women to abandon them to get what you want in marriage. Make her scared and you got what you want but you're still unhappy.
She's pleasing you with love & sex, but you're still unhappy.
You keep threatening to leave her.
What exactly do you want her to do? Then you will feel happy?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MsLonely,
She chose not to have sex with him for 4 years. That choice was not based on "disliking" sex. She had no basis for liking or disliking it since she refused to even "try" it. 

Why are you blaming him?




MsLonely said:


> @ men11363, don't blame the woman who doesn't enjoy sex with him, she was a virgin, if she doesn't like sex is HIS fault. She doesn't know sex could give her so much hurt & pain in marriage, and don't blame the poor wife for sex and encourage him to be a more terrible husband.
> Sex is important. You want to have sex, make sure you do it in a nice way. When the lady likes it with you, she comes for more. When the lady doesn't like it with you, think about it's your fault. She's a wife, she should give sex, but not a whor. She shouldn't give sex when she doesn't enjoy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Which woman would choose not to have sex for 4 years if sex is great?
She did try and she forced herself to make her husband happy.
She's not virgin anymore. Why you said she didn't "try"?
He threatened the wife to leave her, making her scared, so she forced herself to give him the fk to make him happy. Now she's giving him loving sex, which means lots of fk with love, yet, he's still unhappy.
She's already doing her work as a wife to make him happy in bed but he continues to theaten to leave her.
What do you exactly want from this poor woman? Tell me what exactly you want her to do?
So you and him will feel satisfied?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

She did this cannot, she did that cannot, what exactly do you want her to do? Then you will feel happy?
You've already tried out her body and now you're bored finding excuses to keep angry at her. So you can dump her. 
This is what you want, and you got a man here, supporting you.
Who can voice out for your wife? Who can understand her pain?
What do you want her to do?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Poor akcroy - he probably had sex only once in his life, that too with the only love of his life (who is also his wife), and he ends up being termed a monster rapist :rofl:


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Hi, once again thank you for your comments. 

@MsLonely - if you want to go on a rant, please pick on a different thread. I believe you had made your point quite clear with your first post. I hate to say this, but thanks to you for the first time ever posting on this forum feels like a waste of time. 

I don't think I can be blamed for my wife not having sex with me. Not to beat my own drum, but I am a caring, compassionate and pretty much selfless husband. If I really only wanted my wife for her body, how come I was patient with her for years at a stretch? I never picked a fight with her for us not having sex back then, I kept on hoping that she'd finally grow up and give me some attention. That she never did.

Besides, you forget her not having sex with me wasn't the only issue I was having with her. She treated my parents like trash, and as any decent Indian guy/girl would know, that alone is reason enough to threaten one's spouse with divorce. Yes, we ended up having sex when I said I'd leave her, but imagine how I felt about that - my wife finally has sex with me at the metaphorical gunpoint. Did I enjoy it? I was too puzzled to consider that. Did my wife had sex with me then out of fear? Heck, yes. 

But wasn't that fear also tainted with selfishness? I mean, how come she suddenly came to her senses when I threatened to leave her? So she didn't really even feel the need to consider my emotional/sexual needs until absolutely necessary? Therefore, my dilemmas: am I sure I want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this? And how do I know for sure that she won't ignore me in a similar fashion, e.g. when we have kids?

I know for a fact that she enjoyed fondling, cuddling, foreplay, etc before our marriage. That all stopped almost the instant after we got married. So no, she's not this innocent girl who doesn't enjoy sex but has to do me anyway because we're married. She was just being heartless, and fortunately now she's coming around.

Anyway, some good news, I think - I overcame my inhibitions, and in the morning I awoke her with kisses, wanting sex. She was about to leave for work in an hour, so understandably we couldn't do it. She voluntarily wanted to give me a BJ, but found out I was non-responsive..

Actually, I wasn't really enjoying the whole thing to start with. But I wanted to at least start the process that would lead us to sex, and maybe I'd be enjoying it then. My primary concern was to make her feel comfortable, and I was doing all the little things I know that turn her on. I.e., I was dancing through a routine, albeit with concrete intentions.

But I can't get my male organ to play along.. This is how it goes, even when I'm masturbating - I get hard, but it's a "static" kind of hard, I don't really feel anything. It's like my body has a mind of it's own and it really doesn't care about sex anymore.. It's a horrible, horrible feeling for me, I don't feel like a man.

In any case, we talked about therapy, and should go in for a session over the weekend.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

akcroy

People are not free from selfish, it is one of our bad traits. We are all selfish to a certain level. 

But what do we do to make that person not to be selfish towards us? This is something we have to learn! 

Women can't be spoiled, you have to love her, but you can't let her think she can behave whatever way she likes. 

Your threatening her with a divorce is putting her in a anxious situation, it is good for her to realize that she can lose you if she doesn't smarten up. She doesn't want to lose you, it means you have been a good husband to her. Now she needs to know how to be a good wife. 

Your health situation might have been affected by all this worries and anxieties, it is important for you and her to seek professional help. She needs to understand her happiness is based on your happiness.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

To be fair, you know, you defense yourself in the court very well blaming your wife, so I need to give some balance to your thread to defense your wife. Why shouldn't she deserve to be defensed? 

Allow me collect your blames on her:

You counted your blames from the very beginning of your marriage. 

She used to enjoying kiss & fondling, foreplay even in the taxi, but after married she just stop, and became heartless.......... oh yeah?

The fact is:
She was a virgin when married to you. You don't care if she's scared of pain or what, you've been very patient but she wasn't ready to give you her virginity. 

You lost your patient & got mad at her and you scared her shxxless, threatening to divorce her. Then she quickly took off her pants & give you the fk you need, which is the truth. She lost her virginity just like like because she wanted to make you happy because of fear.

Next:

Not respecting your parents.

She treated your parents like trash.

The fact is:
She's not good at communication & interaction with people but she doesn't treat your parents like trush otherwise, you will be the first one to dump her in the trash can if she dare, won't you?

Other blames:

She doesn't do any teamwork.

Fact? When she doesn't listen to you and follow what you said, she doesn't do any teamwork.

Conclusion:

Everything she did is wrong. 

Only you're the good one in the entire marriage, pefect husband.

Please answer this question:

*What exactly you want your wife to do to make you happy?*

She's giving you loving sex with bj.... She loves you & willing to please you. She's making her marriage work no matter how painful it is, she is brave and humble to make you happy, because she loves you and because she doesn't want to give up her marriage with you. Count your blessings!

*Why the heck are you still threatening her to dump her? *

*Because you have erectile dysfuction that is also her fault? I wish God's heared her crying. *

*Excuse me! I saw a very heartless man here that I couldn't keep my mouth shut. *

If you can't have sex for the past 4 years, and you have eretile dysfuction that goes along with it, of course your sexual life isn't good, but is not totally your wife's faults. 

Please check this out:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/19213-dealing-low-testosterone-hypogonadism.html


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

When on earth did I claim I was the perfect husband? If I didn't really love my wife and was looking for an excuse to dump her, do you think I even needed a valid excuse?

You sound like you can read me like an open book - so you're God, I presume, and have seen and lived my life all along, and know enough about me to mock my sufferings? Pray tell me, have you peeked into my wife's soul too - how else have you decided to take a stand on her behalf to "balance" this thread? 

You have highlighted so many sentences, I will highlight only this part: *get a life*. It's almost as if you're trashing your frustrations on me. 

You are a mean, ignorant person who is eager to view me from a stereotypical, judgmental perspective. You are just as eager to romanticize my wife as the chaste virgin caught in the throes of a marriage and the "burden" of emotional responsibilities that come with it.

You're wrong on both counts. Even my wife will tell you that. Actually, why am I trying to explain myself to you again? 

I certainly don't need to, since you're adamant that you're right about us as a couple. Heck, you haven't even read my posts carefully - if you had you'd have known you're garbling information. E.g., my "ED" is a very recent phenomenon. And how my wife treats her side of the family nicely and mine quite rudely (until very recently).

By the way - you're convinced I have ED, don't you? Gosh, I forgot, you're probably God AND a doctor too. FYI I'm only 30 - how likely do you think it is that I have ED? My turn to make the smiley face 

You are simply blind to the plain and simple facts: that despite everything I am trying to get my marriage to work. My efforts to become physically intimate with my wife and our mutual decision to seek out professional help are definite signs of us making however little progress towards improving our relationship. And for that much progress, I am infinitely grateful to the people on this forum. Not you, though.

I am going through a very difficult phase of my life and am on this forum seeking support and positive feedback. You are providing neither, so please leave me alone.

What an enormous waste of my time, and of the other sensible folks following this thread.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm not mocking your sufferings.

Just wanted to point out it's unfair to put all your sufferings blaming on your wife, that's what I have seen and read from your threads, that you're blaming your wife for just everything, which is unfair to her - so that's the balance that is needed in your thread.

I'm not ignorant, as a woman I don't need to go through a nightmare to understand what a nightmare is about. I know what it means to lose my virginity because of fear. I know that kind of hurt is for a lifetime as a nightmare! 

It's very painful to her. Not only physically, but also mentally. 

Do you recognise the pain you have caused? How can you continue to blame her that she stopped kissing & fondling you after she went through this pain in her life?

You know it's wrong, but I only see your anger because she gave you that kind of sex, instead, I didn't see you feeling sorry for what she's been through.


I know erectile dysfuction can cause unhappy marriage, frustration & unsatisfaction.

The only difference between you & my husband is. He never hell blamed me & threaten to divorce me because of his erectile dysfuction even the sexual life really sucks.

I've give a link that provides lots of good information about your manhood problem. I wish you can take a look because it's really helpful.

I'm just offering a mirror to reflex what you've been blaming about your wife here on your thread although it can look ugly & mean but I didn't create your stories. I know you're looking for support & help. 

I commented on what I read. I can't support you continue to threaten your wife. I'm sorry if that is the support you need from a female reader.

Otherwise, you might want to post your thread to the men's club, say clearly that you only need men's opinion.

Seeking professional therapy & medication help are always the best solutions.

All the best.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Once again, there you go jumping to conclusions.

This is a forum, for God's sake, and I as an individual signed up to discuss my issues. They are bound to sound one-sided. If you're in opposition to that, you should ask me questions to get more information before you start visualizing me or my wife. Or stop participating in forums altogether. 

You don't know us, and have met neither of us, and just being a woman doesn't mean you understand the lives of all other women or the situations they might be involved in.

Where did you dig up this virginity issue from? My wife is not a virgin, since we have had sex. She was quite happy after the sex and although she had mentioned it had hurt somewhat, she has never described sex = pain, ever. Besides, the only time we had sex I was by no means rough on her.

What pain have I caused her again? Please explain. I have never done anything that warrants begging her forgiveness, so please don't suggest that either.

Once again you're convinced it's a physical problem I have - don't the signs imply it's more likely a PSYCHOLOGICAL problem? My wife has turned me off so many times by not wanting to have sex with me that I have become permanently turned off.How's that for a self-defense mechanism? Life sucks to be me, doesn't it? Oh wait, I'm the one torturing a helpless woman I got married to.. 

And no, you are not offering a mirror to my "stories" - you're just pissing me off.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

First of all,

It's nice to know that you didn't be rough on her for giving you sex. 

Forgiveness?

For threatening her to divorce to get her virginity.

However, it's 4 years ago. It could be a factor that why your wife doesn't enjoy kissing & fondling you more. Just said, it's possible she felt a darkness in her when she gave you her virginity because of fear. She always has that fear with her, so she has lost her abilities to enjoy what love & sex can offer. 

You need communication to understand why she doesn't want to kiss & fondle you as often as before.

Ok I trust her she's happy about sex now, so that kind of threatening, could be "somehow," a valid method, as long as, violence & force weren't involved. Simply, just fear.

Nevertheless, threatening isn't a very good communication method in marriage. Threatening brings resentments & confusions on both sides.

Your English expression is excellent & I think you're very well-educated. You're pretty good in expressing and defending yourself. You have no problems in having good communication with your wife. 

You might want to help your wife to grow & learn the work in marriage & sex. 

The social part with your parents, she might also need your encouragement & guidelines.

Indian women are much powerless to protect themselves compared to men... you know, in your tradition, especially when they're without husbands, the society doesn't accept them, it's really nothing they can do to go against that tradition.

So when the husband uses "divorce" to threaten the wife, she will be scared like hell.... sad but true. It's a tradition for Indian husband to threaten the wife when the wife doesn't respect the parents or her husband.

If your wife were born in the Western countries & she had recieved her good education as you did, she would have handled her marriage issue in a totally different way.... 

She wouldn't have given you sex because the fear of divorce.

So you still have an upper hand when you married a traditional indian woman. 

Forum for God's sake, forum isn't bounded for one side because there're 2 people in the marriage.

You are likely to get more positive encouragements from men's side & criticisms from women's side but I think sometimes, it's not too bad to have some female inputs.

It's a normal situation in a forum. 

All aspects in marriage will be discussions... & arguments occur from times to times.

Don't take things so seriously when you get criticisms or feel pissed because it happens.

After all, we don't know anyone here.

Sorry to piss you off!

All the best!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

> Once again you're convinced it's a physical problem I have - don't the signs imply it's more likely a PSYCHOLOGICAL problem? My wife has turned me off so many times by not wanting to have sex with me that I have become permanently turned off.How's that for a self-defense mechanism?


Sexual desires are quite complicated & hard to say it's totall physical or psychological problem.

The best way is to consult both doctors on both sides.

A blood test result will tell you which side you belong to.

Testosterone test:

Some test results fall into the gray area of normal range, which is considered medically normal, but under the average point.

In that case, men are still considered normal & healthy but they need viagra as well. Some doctors are not willing to give any testosterone injection if it's in the normal range. (Some doctors would give treatments depends on the situation.)

My husband's testosterone is in the normal range but in the gray area as mentioned.

Sometimes his penis works, but sometimes it needs viagra to work.

Mind effects (psychological impacts) certainly have an influence on a man's sexual desires; however, it's less struggling to get it to response when there's enough stimulation: Kissing, fondling, foreplay... to feel turned on.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

I am open to criticism, but..

When did I ever say that I had threatened my wife to divorce her unless she had sex with me, or similar? When did I ever say that my wife is a traditional Indian woman? 

We had had consensual sex, equal parts stimulated by her and me. We are both Western-educated and my wife is far from the traditional Indian woman. 

What is wrong with you?

I am done answering your posts, and thanks to you people are effectively turned away from my thread. *You're going on my ignore list, which means I won't be able to see your posts on any thread on this forum anymore. For others who might feel similarly towards you or any other unhelpful user, I would suggest them to do the same.*


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Quote: Finally, I threatened to break up with her, and that's when I really had sex with her, for the first time.
Quote: Heck Yes! (Wife had sex because of fear)
Sorry, all this words are all from you, so I didn't make up the stories. 


I'm not a western girl, either. It's just a matter of fact that she's got tradition in her mind.
I feel so lucky my husband treats me with respect.
I never have sex with him because of fear...
P.S. Now you want to put the blames on me because ppl don't comment your threads.
OMG, you're good at putting all the blames on women...
You even suggest ppl to isolate, ignore and squeeze me...very nice man here.
First time, really an eye opener...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Board protocol. 

Akcroy,
When someone twists everything you say and consistently attacks you have two practical options:
1. report them to the moderators
2. ignore them

Generally I go with "2". Generally when someone is posting in what I perceive to be a destructive manner I "triangulate" by seeing how other people view those same posts. If many other people are in agreement - than I re-evaluate whether the message might be harsh but true. 

If however everyone else either expressly disagrees or ignores the troublesome poster you can be confident that their posts are not worthy of your responses. Most people - if you ignore them long enough - will go away. 




akcroy said:


> I am open to criticism, but..
> 
> When did I ever say that I had threatened my wife to divorce her unless she had sex with me, or similar? When did I ever say that my wife is a traditional Indian woman?
> 
> ...


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

This is a forum, so it's very normal we give comments according what we value in life and what we think that is reasonable and great.
Of course sometimes we might not agree with each other.
Of course, we don't really know each other.
So when I talk, I always use conditional clause, "IF" or "it's possible" or "maybe" to express my guessings, thoughts and views.

Sometimes when I see something make me uncomfortable and I do concern the poster or the spouse, I also give harsh comments but my intention is I wish there's more love. I never promote hate.
Of course, some ppl can take criticisms as a mirror- in other ppl's eyes, how we look like, or how we sound like... Sometimes I really appreciated encouragements, but I don't look down criticisms, corrections and judgements. Why I should feel angry if I know the guessing about me is not true? Why I should feel angry if I understand ppl here don't really know each other. They've tried very hard to image the situation for me and share what they think with very precious comments. I learnt a lot and I'm grateful to be here. I'm still learning and I also made mistakes. Honestly, I don't ignore anyone here in TAM, but I don't mind if I'm in ppl's ignoring list, because after all, this is a forum. It's free to choose what you want to read.
I'm open to all opinion, inputs and insights.
I feel sorry that after I spent my time to write lots of sincere comments for the poster and his wife. I have been turned down without a valid reason. 
I don't mind if he wanted to ignore me but what I do feel hurt is he suggested ppl to ignore me... 
That's very unreasonable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

@men11363,
You're right to give this good suggestion about watching how ppl react and to figure things out. And I assure you I will leave this thread, so you can tell him no worries. Pls keep staying here to help him.
All the best! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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