# husbands "business dinner"



## helpneededinmi (Jun 20, 2010)

here is my situation. My husbands father is battling cancer. we arrived home from a 3 day visit in the hospital to see him through a tough time. going through a pile of mail I find a receipt from a dinner at a golf resort last saturday when me husband was travelling. 2 drinks 2 sandwiches and 2 sides. a beer and a raspberry wine cooler. warning sign- most men do not drink wine coolers. ask husband where this is from. reply- " I have to eat" i ask "2 sandwiches- who ate the other?" my client- answer. who is she and why the fancy place and drinks. She is giving me a good deal on some product. I would never cheat on you- God strike me dead if I have been unfaithful, etc etc. I believe my husband is not unfaithful but I feel like he took her out on a date. I feel he has crossed the line regarding client business dinners. I have a problem with this. She is to make some business signs for his company. I want to ask him to cancel the deal and buy signs somewhere else. Am I wrong?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Don't overreact just yet. What is your "gut" feeling? Did the receipt have a time stamp on it? Lunch? If at lunch, perhaps it is legitimate. But, that is still odd to have a business lunch on Saturday on a non pressing business matter. Any other warning signs? Is hubby being distant, lying about things, money unaccounted for, etc.?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

The experts say that most men lie when confronted about cheating. I advise reading Peggy Vaughn, who is a leading expert in affairs at DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center.

If it was a Saturday night, I would surely be annoyed. If it's not an affair or brewing affair, it's too close for comfort. Since my husband's affair, we have an agreement: no lunches or dinners with a member of the opposite sex. If chemistry begins to develop in another front, the killer is, "Let me tell you about my wife/husband."

Peggy's book, Beyond Affairs, deals with suspicions and living with them. I highly recommend it.

Best, 

Lyn


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## helpneededinmi (Jun 20, 2010)

it was saturday night- receipt 8pm. i am annoyed!!! gut feeling- he wanted to look like a big business man and wanted to impress. no other signs but he travels quite a bit. i like the agreement idea- may throw that out there. i also read on some of these posts the need for transparency. i think i will talk about that also. i have that sick feeling in my stomach.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

helpneededinmi said:


> i have that sick feeling in my stomach.


That says plenty--you are not comfortable with the situation. And an 8pm business meeting on Saturday night with the opposite sex isn't appropriate. Lyn had good suggestions. You and your spouse need to talk.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Definite need for transparency and honesty. Peggy Vaughn stresses this as key for a couple who wants their marriage to work.

When I met with resistance regarding important suggestions to affair-proof our marriage from now on, I told him that if he made the same request of me, I would do it just because he asked me to, no explanations needed. 

Trust is the priority and we need to make gestures and curtail our desires for the good of our marriages. Attractions will happen, it's part of being a human being, the difference is, do we throw caution to the wind and act on those attractions or do we keep the promises we made to the one we love? 

Do we want to stay married?

That said, I do think it;s good to discuss our attractions towards others with our spouses. Keep things out in the open.

Best,

Lyn


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I am also dealing with a WH who is having an affair with an older woman from his office. Neither one of them work at that company anymore but the A continues and he filed for divorce. My H was the CEO of the company.

I will checkout Peggy's website too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpneededinmi (Jun 20, 2010)

when we do talk- i am afraid he will become angry. saying I do not trust him. I am not sure he believes it was inappropriate, when I do. that is where the issue lies.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Don't be afraid of the anger, many people feign anger in order to intimidate others to get them to back off and leave them alone so they can do their thing. It's called "manipulation" and "control." If that happens, a psychiatirst I saw once told me to learn to "modify" the other's behavior by saying, 

"I know what you are doing and it's not working."

And hello? Trust has to be earned and maintained and he is playing around with hanging ten on the edge of a very, very bad decision if he hasn't already indulged. 

He may not believe his behavior was appropiraye or inappropriate, but if he loves you and wants you marriage to be a healthy, fulfilling one, he will out his ego to bed and listen to you. Your feelings matter. They DO. Anyone who dismisses your concerns and feelings has a lot to learn about trust and relationships. Does he want to learn, grow and make your marriage better, or is he happy to settle for being coy and clever and risking what he has? How much does he value what he has with you and what will he do to protect it? He won't do a little thing like refrain from dinner and drinks with a woman client? It's unfair to you because it hurts you and there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with you. It is HE who is is playing head games. 

Best,

Lyn


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

"If you leave a reciept from drinks and dinner with another woman on my counter top for me to find _you are just an idiot_".


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Atholk said:


> "If you leave a reciept from drinks and dinner with another woman on my counter top for me to find _you are just an idiot_".


Exactly!!! Or this isn't the first time and he is just getting sloppy.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, and first of all I would like to say I'm sorry you are in a position to be posting here......
when I read through your post red flags go up for me I can't imagine what you are feeling....
gut instincts go along way in this life and they are usually the truth to what is going on.
I would have that conversation with your husband about what is going on and how it affects your marriage and why does he have the need to go outside the marriage.....work is an excuse he can hide behind.......
also work on your marriage make sure it is affair proof...
ask him for transparency email, comp and so on.....
if he truly wants your marriage to stay intact he won't have a problem.....
I would continue to snoop and see what you come up with.....
a lot of affairs happen at work I'm sorry to say, my story as well.......
remember even if you find something is going on there are ways of stopping an affair and re-building what you have, this site is awesome and the vets here can walk you through a game plan.......don't tell him......


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Trust your instincts.
Kill the contract.
No 8pm wine cooler dinners for signs.
His anger will be his covering up something. Put your foot down and trust yourself.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

stillINshock said:


> Trust your instincts.
> Kill the contract.
> No 8pm wine cooler dinners for signs.
> ****His anger will be his covering up something. Put your foot down and trust yourself.



Unfortunately, this is almost always true.

Best,

Lyn


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