# Sex Is Just Sex



## BrownEyesBlue (Jul 5, 2015)

Fiance says sex makes him feel connection with me. I used to feel that way but no more. Porn, boundaries, body, respect & age issues have slowly turned those feelings off. If we are together (both travel a lot for work) I have no desire for him but can get in the groove once we get going.

How can I start wanting sex? I could just care less but understand he doesn't want to have a sex less marriage. I don't feel an emotional connection with him, but he is a good man & I would like us both to have our needs met. Just not sure we can give each other what we need.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

In other words you have adopted a definition of sex that has devalued it in your mind. Perhaps you should change your source of moral direction. So far your values are not compatible with your goals.


----------



## BrownEyesBlue (Jul 5, 2015)

I lost attraction for him gradually because of boundary issues & my misinterpretations (according to him). I love him but I am not in love with him now. I don't see him as a friend as in he's in the Friend Zone. 

I'm not sure how to regain my respect & feel passionate love for him. I want to but feel hopeless. His heavy porn use & collection of porn that resembles "The One" made me less interested over time. We've talked about it & I get/got all the standard assurances guys give. He even "gave up" porn. But I feel less than & just good enough. I don't connect with him anymore emotionally & therefore sex has no value to me. It sucks feeling this way.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
what made you lose respect for him? Was it because he was watching porn or something else?


If you can't respect him, then do not get married.


----------



## IDon'tKnowAnymore (Jul 6, 2015)

You said: "I don't feel an emotional connection with him"

I don't know ... but it seems to me there's the problem, right there.

The most passionate sex I've ever had was with someone I felt connected to. 
Without that connection... well... I might as well just use any old tool... (NO>>> not the human kind.)


----------



## IDon'tKnowAnymore (Jul 6, 2015)

So the question is, how do you get re-connected?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You aren't married. Why not call it off? Why marry someone you aren't attracted to or emotionally connected with??? Lack of sex is a HUGE issue in marriage and you aren't even in one yet. He needs to find someone who will find him attractive. Have you ever said that to him exactly that way?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

BrownEyesBlue said:


> Fiance says sex makes him feel connection with me. I used to feel that way but no more. Porn, boundaries, body, respect & age issues have slowly turned those feelings off. If we are together (both travel a lot for work) I have no desire for him but can get in the groove once we get going.
> 
> How can I start wanting sex? I could just care less but understand he doesn't want to have a sex less marriage. I don't feel an emotional connection with him, but he is a good man & I would like us both to have our needs met. Just not sure we can give each other what we need.


First thing you do is call off the engagement!

Too many issues to even think about marriage.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

His porn usage killed your faith in him and your trust in the relationship much like an affair would, only less traumatizing.

Assuming you want to stay married to him you both have some hard work to do.

You have to DECIDE to trust him. Trust is a decision, sometimes it's a good one and sometimes it's not. Just because it once was a bad one doesn't mean it will always a bad decision. Trust that he loves you. Trust that he finds you completely sexy, is highly attracted to you and wants sex because he wants to feel connected to you. Can you do that?

He has to help you do that by acting in ways that reinforce you've made a good decision. He has to absolutely never go near porn again. He has to reassure you that you are his perfect match, that you are a beautiful woman inside and out, and that no other woman makes him feel the way you do, that he is proud to have you on his arm and he has to act like a man in love. Can he do that?

Repairing your marriage can happen, it will take time, effort and maybe even some changes in how you normally do or see things. Can you each make that commitment?


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Hold's Two Rules of Sexual Mismatch:

1. Do not get married to someone while you have a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids with someone while you have a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

In other words, do not increase the cost / price / difficulty of breaking up. sex and money are the 2 top causes of divorce. If you already have a problem with one of the biggies before you get married, you are highly likely to eventually want out. Best to make that process as easy and painless as possible.

If for some reason you are motivated to stay with him, be honest. Tell him that the porn has to go. Also tell him that if he can't cope with the lousy sex life without porn, he should do both of you a favor and leave now. If he dumps the porn, then you need to up your game sexually. Both of you need to ante up or leave the table. All in or all out. Not just hanging on because it is convenient to have someone waiting when you get home from a business trip or because you hate dating new people.


----------



## IDon'tKnowAnymore (Jul 6, 2015)

I would suggest that the way to re-connect, and therefore improve your sex life is by improving communication.
I know that's easier said than done, because open and honest communication means overcoming some emotional hurdles. It's not easy opening up and making yourself vulnerable.
And if he's using porn... well... there is a healthy use, and there is an unhealthy use. It depends. 
But... NOW is the time to do this. BEFORE you get married. 
If you can't do this... forget it, you're both F^&*ed. (Can I say that here?)
Yeah... think about it. 
Marriage... or any intimate relationship without sex is incomplete.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Don't marry him! Put the engagement/marriage on hold and think long and hard why you're marrying this guy if you don't have an emotional connection.

If you're going to get married, you both need to work at re-establishing that emotional connection, and you need to learn how to nurture and maintain that connection. Because marriage--unless you get divorced, and divorce really svcks--is for life.

We don't know what exactly the problem is, but he's using porn to deal with it, and you've walled yourself off emotionally to deal with it. There's something bigger going on here, and you need to decide if there's anything worth saving... because if you don't fix it now and go ahead with the wedding, you WILL get divorced a few years down the line. You guys are engaged; you should be fvcking like bunny rabbits every chance you get, you shouldn't be able to keep your hands off each other. SOMETHING is very, very wrong with this picture... if you don't deal with it, it will get worse.

If you split up and you start dating someone else, and you click... you will quickly remember that sex isn't JUST sex, and you'll see that something really was missing from/broken in this relationship. In a loving, committed relationship, sex is NEVER just sex. And if you say it is... something is wrong with the relationship.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

BrownEyesBlue said:


> I lost attraction for him gradually because of boundary issues & my misinterpretations (according to him). I love him but I am not in love with him now. I don't see him as a friend as in he's in the Friend Zone.
> 
> I'm not sure how to regain my respect & feel passionate love for him. I want to but feel hopeless. His heavy porn use & collection of porn that resembles "The One" made me less interested over time. We've talked about it & I get/got all the standard assurances guys give. He even "gave up" porn. But I feel less than & just good enough.* I don't connect with him anymore emotionally & therefore sex has no value to me.* It sucks feeling this way.


I'd like to edit that bolded part to say "& therefore sex *with him* has no value to me.

The reason that Sex has lost it's value is not because you have interpreted sex as an evil enslaving pasttime, but because you have lost trust in your partner.  I was wrong before. This is the problem.
MN


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
why might you still want to get married. It seems that your thoughts on sex are very different. Are other parts of your life wonderful?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What specifically bothers you about his porn use? Does he use it as a substitute for spending time with you? You mentioned a large collection about "The One". What does that mean, that he has a type of girl that you don't match up to or is he obsessed with a specific porn star? I'm of the belief that porn usage is not a bad thing provided that it does not take away from time that could be spent with you or the family.


----------



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Browneyes Sorry for your problem but if I'm reading between the lines right there is lots more than just his porn use that is pushing you apart. If so DONT get married. If you want to continue you should look into therapy. After a while trust may come back IF he is willing to work on things. Good Luck


----------



## er15 (Aug 7, 2015)

english has such wonderful word. 'make love'. that's what sex should be. we become one body, one soul. yes, 
there is physical side to it, but emotional is most beautiful. ( surprise, i am actually man ). 
love is the key. if you love there are no boundaries in love making and it is great.
so question yourself - do u love him, does he loves you?


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Don't marry this guy. It's a huge, huge mistake if you do. I can attest to it.



Wolf1974 said:


> You aren't married. Why not call it off? Why marry someone you aren't attracted to or emotionally connected with??? Lack of sex is a HUGE issue in marriage and you aren't even in one yet. He needs to find someone who will find him attractive. Have you ever said that to him exactly that way?


----------

