# We've been in a car accident.



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I feel compelled to type this out just so I can finally really process it all...

Last Tuesday, we were going out on a date, and not 100 feet from our apartment, somebody's blinders were on, facing us, and my Eternal Beloved couldn't see and we rear-ended someone's SUV. They were 100% fine but our car was dead. the entire front was just not there, crumpled up like it was aluminium foil. The headlights were shattered, smoke was pouring both into and out of the car, nothing would move. We bolted out of the car. E.B. said something along the lines of, "Holy ****, I don't believe it!!" over and over while I called my dad, and then 911. I crumpled to the ground sobbing and stayed that way for the rest of the evening. The only thing I could actually manage to say to my husband was "I'm so sorry!" as in, "I'm so sorry this has happened to us!" Nobody was hurt, we were all just shocked. The fire brigade made sure nobody was injured and cleaned up the broken glass, the police were not called, and the car was hauled off to a car lot. We walked home, with me still crying, and he put his arm around me and said, "I know, I'm sorry too."

That night, he came into the spare bedroom, where I, ever the insomniac, was reading and trying to take my mind off things. He just came in and held me and told me he couldn't sleep. In 5 years of marriage, he has NEVER been too upset to sleep. In spite of being much too upset to sleep myself, I forced myself to lie down with him in the other room and I held him, and I said, "We'll be fine. We'll get through this because we have to. Think about all the things we still have. We have our lives, our house, your job, and each other. It'll be alright." I felt completely that I was lying, and that things would _not_ be alright for a very, _very_ long time. But I still stayed with him for the rest of the night.

The next evening, I was considerably more functional, and most of my worries centered around protecting E.B. I have an anxiety disorder that was produced by trauma, and so does my mother. I knew full well what might happen to my beloved. I didn't care if I was re-traumatized because I'd know what to do for it. E.B. had never experienced trauma. So when E.B. got home from work-though I'd asked him to stay home for his health's sake- we spent the whole evening together. I did not once leave his side. We watched a movie and two episodes of a TV show, had cherry pie and ice cream, and talked together about love, our relationship, and our feelings. I brought out that pain scale they used in hospitals and I asked him to measure his levels of stress on a scale of 1-10. He said "about a three or four maybe?" I decided we could both deal with that and I let him have my beloved spare bed with the ergonomically-designed mattress. I gave him my music box, my nightlight, my stuffed animals, my essential oil diffuser, my fur blankets, and a mountain of feather pillows. I then made him tea and gave him melatonin and benadryl to help him sleep. I sang him lullabies and stroked his hair and tried my utmost the whole evening to be soothing and accommodating. I, still an insomniac with a disrupted circadian rhythm, did not stay and sleep with him, but stayed up all night in the master bedroom, with a hair-trigger mental alarm, ever-vigilant for anything that would indicate he was awake or restless in his sleep. 

Fortunately, he said he slept well, and the next day he began to get things sorted out with his insurance company. Our rates are going to go up; we're not sure by how much yet. The internet has told me they will stay higher for years to come, which worries me. The car will be serviced before the week's out but we don't know when we'll get it back. E.B. felt well enough that evening to take us out in the rental car they gave us to the same place we would have gone on Tuesday, and then when we returned home we watched a movie I tucked him up in the spare bed again with all my favorite creature comforts. Same with tonight. I don't know if any of it will go any distance whatsoever towards prevention of shell-shock, but by the gods I've got to try.

The only good news to come out of this so far is that yesterday, E.B. was being extra affectionate and I took notice and playfully asked him what was making him so cuddly. He said thoughtfully, "You know... even though the car accident was a bad thing, I feel like it's brought us closer." I nearly melted into the floorboards. At least my attentions are having some effect, though whether they can prevent trauma from setting in I cannot say.

Tonight, I'm worried. I wouldn't say I'm "burned out" from feeling compelled extend the effort to take care of my husband when he is usually the caretaker. But I am worried. I'm worried E.B. will come out of this significantly worse for wear. I'm worried about how we shall pay for the higher insurance payments when in just 2 more years, I'll have to buy my own health insurance, and we'll be paying heavily for that, too.

Tomorrow he intends to call the insurance company to possibly get more information on exactly how much more we have to pay now. Also tomorrow, he wants to take me to the fair again. I am entirely uncertain that rides with G-force will do anything good for his psyche, and I'll definitely keep a close eye on him...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My best wishes to the both of you.

I hope your car is fixable and that your insurance doesn't rise by too much. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Stop worrying about your car insurance rates going up.

The reason I say that, is that you are worrying about something that is completely unchangeable.

You have an accident, your rates increase. A fact of life. It's done.


Glad you were not injured. Take care.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I feel compelled to type this out just so I can finally really process it all...
> 
> Last Tuesday, we were going out on a date, and not 100 feet from our apartment, somebody's blinders were on, facing us


Can you please explain what blinders are? It doesn't sound safe.

Do you mean BLINKERS?

Also why do you call him Eternally Beloved? That's what you call a dead person.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe headlights on high-beam. That can certainly be blinding.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Manchester said:


> Can you please explain what blinders are? It doesn't sound safe.
> 
> Do you mean BLINKERS?
> 
> Also why do you call him Eternally Beloved? That's what you call a dead person.


They're headlights that are BLINDINGLY bright. You only really are supposed to use them in really heavy fog or something.

I call him my Eternal Beloved because he is beloved to me, and shall be for an eternity. Beethoven called his paramour "Immortal Beloved" so it's not that strange.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The most important point is that you are both okay.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Manchester said:


> Can you please explain what blinders are? It doesn't sound safe.
> 
> Do you mean BLINKERS?
> 
> Also why do you call him Eternally Beloved? That's what you call a dead person.



I was wondering the same thing about "Eternal Beloved" and it reminded me of another poster on LS:

I'm Back, and I haven't really changed all that much. - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

kristin2349 said:


> I was wondering the same thing about "Eternal Beloved" and it reminded me of another poster on LS:
> 
> I'm Back, and I haven't really changed all that much. - LoveShack.org Community Forums


That's me, actually. I make no secret of the fact that I was banned there for alleged "trolling". It made me angry, actually. How dare they? I never spoke an ill word to any of them. Well, okay, as a 16-year-old I was an ignorant and haughty brat, but they didn't ban me then. They banned me last month after a perfectly civil forum post about my husband spending three days away and me missing him! I have genuinely NO IDEA what I'd said!!!

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/rom...hips/592711-husband-away-business-i-am-lonely

By the by, the unfortunate incident described in kristin's forum post is something of which I'm deeply ashamed. I ended my flirtation with Mr. Leto as soon as E.B. discovered it, and then two months later, fell into infatuation again in September of 2014. I have since learned a lot about the nature of love and infatuation, and most of that learning happened whilst I was in a mental institution. My object of interest was cruel and abusive and sent me into complete and total insanity, to the point where I ceased eating and drinking for days and was half-dead when my mother found me and took me to the psych ward. I'd rather not go into great detail, as E.B. and I have already talked extensively about it, and just last week he told me he thought we'd both come out the other side of it a year ago, and frankly, revisiting it shames and embarrasses me.

Now that my identity on LS has come to light, I'm a bit afraid that people here may begin needlessly tearing me down for whatever bizarre reasons they did on LS. I hope you don't because I've only found this forum, one other (Which focused too much, according to EB, on the pain of an infidelity we have already healed and reconciled from), and LS. I like this forum best and don't want to be ousted from it.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> They're headlights that are BLINDINGLY bright. You only really are supposed to use them in really heavy fog or something.
> 
> I call him my Eternal Beloved because he is beloved to me, and shall be for an eternity. Beethoven called his paramour "Immortal Beloved" so it's not that strange.


Those are called BRIGHTS not BLINDERS.

You should never look at the lights for reasons only too obvious to you now. Always look to the side and this may be a new bit of driving advice but if you can't see where you are going because you are blinded, stop the car immediately.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

So, my husband told me tonight tht he is tired of my bringing up the car crash nearly constantly. Fair enough. I told him I'd try not to talk about it any more, even though I'm still quite stressed out. We did go to the fair and he seemed unaffected by the rides, so I can only presume he's moving past it, other than the fact that he seems to want to sweep the whole incident and its aftermath as far under the rug as possible. I didn't bother giving him melatonin and diphenhydramine tonight, nor did I sing him lullabies, make him tea, or turn on the diffuser. I wonder if I should have done those things. Probably. I know it's no excuse, but I'm so tired tonight. Physically spent. Emotionally weary. 

I really, truly hate it when life throws an unexpected curveball. I know I should be trying to cope with things right now... bubble baths and netflix and holding my husband... but it's so hard to do any of that, because everything I do reminds me of him, which reminds me of what we've just been through.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Manchester said:


> Can you please explain what blinders are? It doesn't sound safe.
> 
> Do you mean BLINKERS?
> 
> Also why do you call him Eternally Beloved? That's what you call a dead person.


Blinders are what they put on horses faces so they don't get distracted or spooked by things around and beside them, so they can only look forward.

It's used in reference to people to say that people are overly focused on one thing and not paying attention to things around them.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Blinders are what they put on horses faces so they don't get distracted or spooked by things around and beside them, so they can only look forward.
> 
> It's used in reference to people to say that people are overly focused on one thing and not paying attention to things around them.


I know what blinders are for horses! I meant what they are for cars. It sounded like a device to reduce visibility which I couldn't wrap my head around it's purpose.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Okay, message received. I should do my best to put it behind me. Got it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Moderator note: 



> "My post is missing. Why?"


Posts can go missing because they were considered to be in breach of forum rules. And were deleted as a result.

Or because they quoted such a post.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Hi! A non-injury, property damage only crash one where it sounds as if your vehicle is repairable isn't usually a significant event. Accidents are just that, accidents. You have insurance and outside of the deductible you seem covered. This is why we pay our premiums. 

I don't mean to be insensitive but is there more to the situation that's making it so stressful?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Haiku said:


> Hi! A non-injury, property damage only crash one where it sounds as if your vehicle is repairable isn't usually a significant event. Accidents are just that, accidents. You have insurance and outside of the deductible you seem covered. This is why we pay our premiums.
> 
> *I don't mean to be insensitive but is there more to the situation that's making it so stressful?*


Yes there is more to the situation, the OP has a unique "backstory", her other threads would give you some context.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Actually, it's the insurance premium- and the risk the my husband could come out of this traumatized, as trauma _can_ be caused by car accidents- that worries me. We were already paying about 1200 a year for our insurance before the accident, and the complete coverage saved us, but now I hear that our rates will go up, and stay up. That worries me. My husband's mental health is becoming less and less of a concern, as he seems completely unfazed by the accident.

And yes, I do have anxiety issues and other various mental health problems that mean that in my head, even the smallest things can feel insurmountable. Honestly, though, the aftermath of the accident is becoming more manageable by the day, for which I am extremely grateful.

I think we may just end up alright.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Yes there is more to the situation, the OP has a unique "backstory", her other threads would give you some context.





EllaSuaveterre said:


> And yes, I do have anxiety issues ... that mean that in my head, even the smallest things can feel insurmountable.


Thank you both.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

We just found out it's going to be three weeks- 14 business days- until we can get the car back. My husband is finding it hard to be positive. I laughed and told him positive thinking was nonsense. This is a terrible situation, and we'd be doing well just to survive it. I would like to think that in three weeks' time it will all be a distant but stressful memory, but I have good reason to believe otherwise.

I found out- indirectly- that my husband is worried about how we'll pay the car insurance now. He told me over the phone today that he has more incentive to work on his programming commissions, which is his hobby-turned-side-job. He said that the sooner we can pour money into savings the better, because we might need it twice a year for the next 3 years or so. Hearing that he's concerned worries me. I wonder if I should ask my dad to bail us out, to help us somehow. It's hard to fathom how an extra $300 or so, twice a year, could possibly hurt us so much, but it seems those two months out of the year E.B. budgets a little harder, takes us out less... How much worse will those two months be now?


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I laughed and told him positive thinking was nonsense. This is a terrible situation, and we'd be doing well just to survive it.


Except well, it's not. 

You had a car accident. Just like gazillions of other people do. 

The car wasn't totaled, no one is seriously injured, and you're acting like your life is over.

That's negative thinking and it's contagious.

How about "It could have been much worse, we're both in good health, and the insurance is paying for all the damage although our rates did go up a bit".

Life goes on.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

When he gets home tonight, I'd like to tell him that in three weeks it'll all be over and done with, and we won't have to think about it anymore (until our next insurance payment) but the caveat seems to suck all the life out of the reassurances. "It could have been much worse" is something friends and family have been telling us for a week now, and it's always made me a bit bristled. It shouldn't have been at all! Yes, it could always be worse. The earth could be destroyed in fiery collision with an enormous asteroid. That doesn't do anything to take away from the sense of loss and of unfairness that circumstance gives us.

The best response I think I've gotten to the whole debacle was when my adopted brother Cory saw me when I came over to eat dinner with the family. He hugged me so tight I thought my ribs were going to crack and he said, all in one breath, "Oh my gosh I heard everything how awful I'm so sorry are you okay is he okay was it scary?!?!?" I said, "Yes, of course it was scary!" but I was smiling when I said it because I was touched by his concern and tickled by his great brotherly bear hug.

I am trying my best to steel myself for the coming weeks. My darling will probably need to vent and express his own fears about things, and I've got to try to appear composed, at least in front of him, while he does so. I've also got to think up words of encouragement that I can tell him without feeling like I'm lying to him.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> When he gets home tonight, I'd like to tell him that in three weeks it'll all be over and done with, and we won't have to think about it anymore (until our next insurance payment) but the caveat seems to suck all the life out of the reassurances. "It could have been much worse" is something friends and family have been telling us for a week now, and it's always made me a bit bristled. It shouldn't have been at all! Yes, it could always be worse. The earth could be destroyed in fiery collision with an enormous asteroid. That doesn't do anything to take away from the sense of loss and of unfairness that circumstance gives us.


It wasn't random circumstances. We ALL drive into bright headlights ALL THE TIME. I've been on dark mountain roads in the middle of the night with no streetlights with narrow curved roads with no guard rails and some A-HOLE with their LED Brights on up high completely wipes out my vision. Do I go off the road and crash my car and get mad at the world for my "circumstances"? No, I slow down, look AWAY from the lights and towards the line on the side of the road and I get through it in one piece.

Your husband was blinded and kept right on going until he plowed into the car in front. That's just poor judgement not "circumstance". This is why your insurance rates go up because it was his FAULT. So he'll work some overtime and he'll pay the $600 dollars more per year for a few years and he'll be a better driver. 

If your house gets leveled by an enormous asteroid then you can come crying here about how unfair life is and then maybe someone will feel sorry for you.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

It all happened in a split second.

That was really a bit needlessly cruel, don't you think?

There is absolutely no need for your tone of frustration and condescension.

I don't need you or anyone to "feel sorry" for me. I just need you to be polite if you do choose to respond here.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Please stop feeling sorry for yourself.

As bad as you think you have it lots of us have it worse.

A LOT worse.

Yet we don't act like our lives are over.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

My house was struck by lightning and burned almost all the way down a couple of years ago. This happened four days before Christmas, right after my kids and I got back from delivering Christmas presents to the kids of two needy families that we 'adopted' to buy presents and play Santa Claus that year.

Now THAT is 'circumstance'. Nothing I could have done about it. But it's just a house. Just "stuff". The kids and I weren't hurt and we got out safely. THAT is all that mattered. I consider myself very lucky.

If you are going to live your life then these kind of things will happen to you. And much worse. People you love may get sick and die. You may get a terrible disease. On and on. 

You need to learn coping skills, and also you need to gain perspective on life. You just seem to be completely unable to cope with even the tiniest things that life throws at you, and you do not seem to understand that you really haven't had to deal with anything in your life yet that should cause the kind of angst that you appear to experience on an almost hourly basis.

You don't see it, but you are pushing your husband away with all this needless and un-called for drama.

I am glad you two experienced a relatively non-serious car accident where no one was hurt. Now, time to stop agonizing over it.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I see. I looked through your profile to see if I could find any recent tragedies in your life, and perhaps offer you support and kindness, but you've only started two threads, so I couldn't find much. Anyway, I have no doubt that you- that literally everyone here- is fighting a very hard battle indeed. I'm new here, but I've read a few of these threads and I really don't know what else to say except, "Oh God, I'm so very sorry." I admire the fortitude of several posters here. Perhaps time will make me stronger so that by the time I'm however old you are, I'll be able to take things like this in stride. However, it still stands that other people's trials- even if they are objectively more grueling than my own- do not negate my right to feel my feelings. If it did, all of us would be forced to suffer silently because someone, somewhere always has it worse, no matter who you are.

What is a puddle to a Mastiff is a lake to a Chihuahua.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

I'm probably going to be incarcerated for the holidays because I can't pay support to my cheating lying fat as a horse exwife because I lost my job.

Who has it worse, you or me?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

@Hope Shimmers I am so sorry to hear that. That is really, truly awful. I mean, unthinkably bad.

And, well, the reason I have underdeveloped coping skills is actually because of trauma. Some things happened to me involving childhood illness, surgery, and very severe allergic reaction that set my brain on the spiral towards a high-strung, hair-trigger reaction to just about everything. I actually have experienced really bad things and nothing I have felt in these last few days- nothing I will ever feel again, probably- could compare to the excruciating pain I was in post-op at 11 years old. Yet, still, even with the surgery and all that followed as a marker by which to compare the everyday pain of life, my emotions are _still there,_ and still overwhelming at times.

I have several coping mechanisms which I've been employing to help me get through each day and hour. Drinking ungodly amounts of tea, listening to Chopin, watching TV, deep breathing... But my favorite coping mechanism is to write about what I feel and why. Which is what I'm doing here.

I don't think I'm pushing my husband away. If I am, I'll soon remedy it by tending to him in the most loving, tender, compassionate way I can. When I was extremely attentive all evening, every evening, in the first days following the accident, he said it brought us closer.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

@Manchester, Oh, you, definitely, for sure. 100 percent. You win the suffering contest. I feel badly for you. I really do. I wish you luck and strength and wit and whatever else one needs to survive prison. You'll be in my thoughts.

Suffering, thankfully, is not a contest that must be won before one gets the right to compassion and empathy. I can have empathy for you, and I can have empathy for my brother, who has recently lost his wallet. A lost wallet isn't as big a deal as a car accident, but I still feel for him somewhat, because I know he's upset and probably a bit stressed out about having to file police reports and change credit cards and all.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

My husband got home tonight and he was very, very worried about how we'd pay the new insurance premium. I did some research and found out that for one's first accident, with no bodily injury, the premium usually goes up by about 40%. So I did the math for him. Our current payment+40% and he immediately felt much, much better. He thanked me for my reassurance and I told him we'd get through it somehow. It didn't feel so much like I was lying this time. 

Meanwhile... my mother has convinced me to go out and look for a part-time job. She has something that might be good for me. Her church is looking to hire tutors for underprivileged students. I could EASILY qualify as a literature or language arts tutor. I thought just as recently as yesterday that I'd NEVER want to get a job whilst I'm still in school, but to be an English tutor for a middle or high schooler sounds like just about the easiest job on the planet. I feel somewhat excited about the prospect, actually. There'd be a small amount of money coming in. I could save up $800 a year for Ste's car payments (although we worked out that he wouldn't need any added income to afford them) and the rest can go towards whatever I wish. How empowering it feels. It also feels confining and scary and overwhelming. But empowerment is in there somewhere.

I am finding it a bit easier to stay positive. I seem to have added "Get a job to support my husband" onto my short but growing list of adult things I am willing to do.

Also, I just read a story about an unfortunate bloke who, in trying to feed his pet lizard, accidentally unleashed 2000 German roaches into his house. Yes, there are others who definitely have it worse, and while that usually does nothing to cheer me up, it did this time.

I'm drinking hot chocolate, I have class tomorrow, I'm going to apply for part-time work as a private English tutor, and I most decidedly do NOT have 2000 roaches skittering about my house. Life isn't "good", but it's not terrible at this particular instant either.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I told him we'd get through it somehow. It didn't feel so much like I was lying this time.


Well you're NOT lying about it this time. Somehow you WILL get through it. I mean, what's the alternative?




EllaSuaveterre said:


> Meanwhile... my mother has convinced me to go out and look for a part-time job.


Smart woman right there suggesting that additional income might very well be the solution to your short term money problems is income. Are you sure you weren't adopted? Kidding! :grin2:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sorry to read about your accident. Glad nobody was hurt. Certainty a stressful situation to deal with.

Just a bit of advice on the insurance, it doesn't hurt to shop around, accident or not, every few years. Insurance companies know their customers get complacent and don't want to deal with the hassle of shopping around and switching companies. But once you see what your new rates will be - shop around. Doesn't cost anything to look.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sorry for your recent accident, but feel fortunate that neither of you sustained bodily harm.

Premiums may go up but if they do, there's certainly nothing wrong with getting quotes from other competing auto insurance companies; some whom may not even raise your rates!

For your H's and your very own sakes, try not to think nor talk about the accident! Doing so really does neither of you any possible good!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> For your H's and your very own sakes, try not to think nor talk about the accident! Doing so really does neither of you any possible good!



You may well be right. I've tried this week to be as soothing and gentle and loving and reassuring as I possibly can with my husband. In fact, I'd say I have taken on the role of nurturer and even of "the strong partner" when it is usually the opposite. Still, I think we should begin to pick up our life and start repairing it, so tonight I made a plan for us to budget our money and put more into savings to ensure we can afford the new premiums, and then I reassured him that everything was going to be fine and we hadn't lost anything that couldn't be mended in time, and we set a couple of weekend dates to go for a nature walk and go to the zoo. Autumn is mine and Eternal Beloved's favourite season, and I have determined that we will try our best not to let this bout of misfortune steal our happy autumn away from us.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Sorry to bump this again... but life continues to be trying. My husband is doing much, much better, apart from tonight. He seems to be a bit under the weather and stressed about the fact that we still haven't gotten the car back. That's bothering me too, but mostly I've been extremely nervous and jumpy when my husband drives us anywhere. In taxis I'm fine but when my husband drives, I startle so easily, jumping at the slightest lurch in movement. And I can't stop thinking about the accident, and worrying it will happen again. 

I think I've been traumatized. Far, far better that it's happened to me than him (at least, I hope with all my heart it's not happened to him; he seems mostly himself though) because at least I'm already in therapy and on medication. My next appointment isn't until November 4th, though, so I've got a while to wait before I can talk to someone about it.

But tonight Eternal Beloved isn't feeling well so I've got to tuck myself away long enough to give him a nice soothing massage and put him to bed. At least I can still manage that.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Personal said:


> Traumatised! You do realise your response is a bit over the top?
> 
> Anyway short story long, I got a blanket for my wife (in case of shock) and attempted to stop her bleeding. In the end with the other couple they became paraplegics because of spinal injuries while the woman suffered severe brain damage. My wife was lucky she just needed plastic surgery to repair her face/nose and had some memory loss and severely bruised knees. I was even luckier apart from being covered in some of my wife's blood I didn't get a scratch.
> 
> ...


Good God, I'm so very sorry for you!! What a truly awful thing to have gone though. I can't even begin to imagine. And to say that you and your wife both are completely fine mentally, even after the physical trauma she went through? You must both have extraordinary strength. I'm not sure I would be able to survive that. Any sympathy and my congratulations to you both for going through it and managing to come out intact.

And in my opinion, you absolutely did deserve the fortnight off. Most other people I think would have desperately needed at least that much to attempt to put their lives back together, and probably much more. Needing plastic surgery on one's face, suffering memory loss and chronic knee pain is the furthest thing from "okay" in my book. I'm a little shocked at your herculean resilience.

Yes, it could always be worse for us, and while that phrase still grates me, I have to say I'm actually starting to agree with it. 

Also, perspective is a lovely hand to hold, they say, and I agree, but one mustn't assume that just because one can handle something in one's own life that everyone else should be able to. As I often say, a puddle to a Mastiff is a lake to a chihuahua.

Thank you for your well-wishes. I feel fairly normal when I'm not in the car with my husband, so perhaps I will not remain nervous and traumatized for very long. I'll discuss it with my therapist soon and let her gauge the severity.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hi glad to hear that you are okay from your accident (at least physically). From someone who experiences trauma fairly regularly in the fire service, I think your husband was right when he said that it was actually a good thing and will bring you closer. I find that it gives you new perspective on life and what really matters as long as you deal with it appropriately and don't dwell on the negatives (i.e. my favorite car is totaled, I have bad luck, why me, etc...). Bills will always be there. Material things are replaceable for the most part: your life is not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Folks, could we please stop with the "my trauma was bigger than your trauma" stuff?  

Some people are, by nature, tougher than others.

Others have been weakened by constant knockbacks and problems in early life.
@EllaSuaveterre You'll survive. You really will.

In fact, you and your husband will thrive. :smthumbup:

Have you thought about buying some relaxation and self-hypnosis CDs?

They might augment the counselling you are receiving.

You counsellor might have some useful suggestions about CDs they could recommend.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> @Hope Shimmers I am so sorry to hear that. That is really, truly awful. I mean, unthinkably bad.
> 
> And, well, the reason I have underdeveloped coping skills is actually because of trauma. Some things happened to me involving childhood illness, surgery, and very severe allergic reaction that set my brain on the spiral towards a high-strung, hair-trigger reaction to just about everything. I actually have experienced really bad things and nothing I have felt in these last few days- nothing I will ever feel again, probably- could compare to the excruciating pain I was in post-op at 11 years old. Yet, still, even with the surgery and all that followed as a marker by which to compare the everyday pain of life, my emotions are _still there,_ and still overwhelming at times.
> 
> ...


Sorry about your accident. Hope all goes well for both of you.

Forgive me for being nosy, blunt and prying. In order to get a good look at the furniture we need to pry open the long closed window shutters {shudders!}!

Some questions:

1) You mentioned trauma. That leaves out something like [Meningitis]. Did the surgery involve the brain? Maybe, brain injury...car accident....a fall....a tumor? This may explain your lingering anxiety issues.

2) Is Tea a good thing to drink to excess? If you are normally "on edge" this will add to it! However, better than beer or whiskey!! I am a coffee addict.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

He may very well be feeding off your anxiety, which can be "contagious".

If you can relax, he probably will too.

As the other poster said, too much tea is going to make the anxiety worse, and even if it's decaffinated it will have some caffeine and if you're drinking lots of tea you're going to get a big dose.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

> @EllaSuaveterre You'll survive. You really will.
> 
> In fact, you and your husband will thrive.
> 
> ...


 @MattMatt Thank you so much for the encouragement. I recently did purchase some meditation apps for my phone. The recordings are some 20 minutes long. I'm sure they'll help.




> Forgive me for being nosy, blunt and prying. In order to get a good look at the furniture we need to pry open the long closed window shutters {shudders!}!
> 
> Some questions:
> 
> ...


 @SunCMars 1) The surgery did not directly involve my brain. It was a major leg surgery for cerebral palsy. They broke both my legs at the hips and did something or other to most of my leg muscles. However, Cerebral palsy is caused by certain parts of the brain not getting enough oxygen and essentially dying, before or just after one is born. I have often wondered if the same trauma on my brain that causes the muscle issues also caused my lifelong problems with anxiety, and later, my depression.

2) I often drink herbal tea, but I do have a liking for decaf Earl Grey as well. I might cut back on the Earl Grey (delicious lovely bergamot!) in favor of the herbal blends. I hadn't thought of the potentially stimulating effects of decaf.


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