# Am I normal?



## animallovers (Oct 31, 2016)

I was brought up in a conservative household and my mom tried her best to teach me sex before marriage is shameful. Needless to say, I wasn't "the daughter" she wanted me to be, because I had sex with my husband shortly after we fell in love, and back then, we were both inexperienced. Like many men, he did watch porn but stopped when he met me.

My husband is 6'3", 200lbs, and I'm 5'1, 100lbs. He thinks I'm beautiful and his friends also say I'm so pretty whenever they meet me. I guess that has helped build my confidence after a bad breakup with my first boyfriend (he and I didn't have sex). My husband was always very gentle and we had vanilla sex for months before we tried different positions. He was also very quiet during sex, which (he explained) helped him concentrate and last longer. I have always been the "loud" person who moans and begs and grabs. It was really hard for me to get orgarsm because I wanted him to tell me what he was going to do and be dominant.

After we talked, he tried hard to be more verbal, but he said sometimes his mind went blank and didn't know what to say. Sometimes he said something that sounded really fake and it turned me off. So recently, I told him he could call me names, could use the f word, and could say whatever in his mind. I also told him we have a professional life, a love life and a sex life. The people we are in the other lives don't have to be the same in our sex life. I also bought revealing lingerie, handcuffs, crotchless undies and even sexy role playing costumes. 

The result of my actions is a VERY wild lover in bed and burning hot (rough) sex almost every other day and all weekends. He spanked me, made me call his name and told me I'm his slave (only in bed of course). My husband even suggested role playing such as prisoner/police, student/teacher, tour guide/tourist, boss/maid, photographer/model etc. He even wants to have sex in the forest and in the staircase in our building. Given my upbringing, I'm supposed to be reserved and shy, but I'm actually excited and always say yes (I always agree to try different things with him, i.e. BJ with him coming in my mouth, difficult sex positions, sex in a tent, sex in the car).

Enough of the background. My question is: For men who have had sex this way, do you ever get tired/bored of it? Do you want to alternate between vanilla sex and rough sex? Any suggestions for me to make my husband happy?

The reason I ask is we are both open to a wide variety of ideas (as long as they don't include other people - he is super jealous of my body), yet I don't want him to feel pressured to do that every time. My husband "was born to please me", in his own words, so just like me, he always says yes.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

There's nothing wrong with mixing it up... kinky and rough one night, vanilla and loving the next.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I sometimes have outrageous kinky sex and then in the very same session have tame sweet connected intimate sex. 

Both are wonderful.

Work it all in....the sweet, the naughty, the outrageous, the dangerous, the scandalous, the loving, the tender....all of these can happen side by side with no contradiction.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Try super sweet sometime... catholic girl white panty sex. That can be sexy too. 


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

So many people here would love to have your "problem" 

Communication communication communication. You both need to be playing the same game on the same day in order to truly be in synch sexually. You need to agree who initiates and what style of sex is going to be on the menu that day. It could be as simple as you saying "I have been a naughty girl" or "I put some rose petals on the bed" to both initiate and set the tone.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds great! Don't worry about being normal or not, just enjoy your husband and enjoy your husband enjoying you! Sounds like what you have is special, just revel in it. You are both lucky.


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## animallovers (Oct 31, 2016)

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm just afraid I might have put pressure on him. I have asked him about it, but he just said he wanted me to be happy and satisfied. Me being satisfied turns him on and makes him happy. My husband is an introvert who is very quiet and rarely talks about his feelings, so over the past 4 years of our marrige, I have learned to read him, without him having to say a word. If he feels sad/upset/disappointed/annoyed, I would know it and ask him what I could do to make him feel better, or what I have done wrong so I could apologize.

We have not always been this way. I used to be clinically depressed and feel guilty all the time for having "dirty thoughts", even though I'm not religious (thanks mom). I was really afraid to speak up, so my husband thought everything is fine, until one day I started crying and said I rarely enjoyed sex and had to fake it to make him happy. My therapist (not a marriage counselor) also said the issue was we were inexperienced and we needed to talk/experiment to figure things out. One of my girlfriends even sent me different porn videos so I could figure out what turns me on the most. She didn't forget to say "welcome to puberty". I confessed to my husband that I actually watched them and felt a little embarrassed, but he laughed, saying it's totally normal. He was afraid I would freak out if he said/did something wrong, because I never had sex or watched porn, despite a lot of guys "trying to get in my pants" in college (I wore sexy clothes and attended parties because I liked it, not because I wanted a man). It was hard for him to know, when I didn't know myself and everyone thinks I'm so innocent/professional/serious/traditional. It happens when you are a data scientist who comes home early to cook dinner, clean up, do dishes, make lunch and bake goodies for your husband every day. I guess there is a wild version of me that only my husband came to know recently.

I guess my issue is I get bored easily and love surprises, so my husband might feel pressured to keep up with my changing desire. I guess we will just have to keep talking and figure it out. It's never too late to be passionate in bed .


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Passion can take many forms. And yes, you're normal. (And I'm relieved. With your username, the Sex in Marriage subforum and the thread title I was a bit worried.)


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NothingsOriginal said:


> So many people here would love to have your "problem"
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree that two people have to be in synch, but I don't agree that this has to be decided before they get in bed. I mean it can be, but it doesn't have to be.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I don't understand the question.

Which part are you asking if it is normal? Nothing you wrote sounds out of the ordinary.


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## animallovers (Oct 31, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> I don't understand the question.
> 
> Which part are you asking if it is normal? Nothing you wrote sounds out of the ordinary.


Hi MrsHolland, I was not sure if a normal woman would like what I like in terms of sex. Role playing, rough sex, spanking, dirty talks etc. I'm Asian, my husband is European, and all the female adults I grew up with had a very negative views about these things. I didn't talk to my female friends about sex either, because I was really shy.

I don't want to freak my husband out and make him scared/bored of me. I'm a very confident woman in my career but not in bed, because unlike many other girls who had a crush on my husband, I'm not tall, not so curvy and not experienced at all. The guys who chased me would probably have run away if they had known I was so scared of sex. In the beginning, I basically just stayed still and took it, because it was hurting. After that, I learned to be more verbal, but I didn't feel good, so sometimes after sex, I just started cleaning myself up and did something else, like browsing my phone. 

My husband seems to really like the change, but I wondered if the way I feel is normal, what I want is normal, and what we are doing is normal. I'm really open-minded about a lot of things, but when it comes to myself, I'm unsure about a lot of things.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

animallovers said:


> all the female adults I grew up with had a very negative views about these things. I didn't talk to my female friends about sex either, because I was really shy.


Ah, but as you described yourself, nobody would expect YOU to like the things you like  I bet you one or two of these adults you grew up with had a wild side, too. And some of your friends most definitely did, too!

Even the way you described your husband, he doesn't sound like the type to be into the sort of sex you guys are having!

I see absolutely no problem here. In fact, I see a success story. You are a highly sexual individual DESPITE your upbringing. Many people I see who post here who have had a religious upbringing and/or are from a non-European or North American background (especially Asian) seem to have difficulties with sex, period, or their partners do, because they're the ones with a religious and/or culturally different background.

You guys sound like you're having mutually satisfying sex, and nothing you're doing sounds illegal or out of the norm. So yes - perfectly normal! :grin2:


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

animallovers said:


> I don't want to freak my husband out and make him scared/bored of me. I'm a very confident woman in my career but not in bed, because unlike many other girls who had a crush on my husband,* I'm not tall, not so curvy and not experienced at all. The guys who chased me would probably have run away if they had known I was so scared of sex.* In the beginning, I basically just stayed still and took it, because it was hurting. After that, I learned to be more verbal, but I didn't feel good, so sometimes after sex, I just started cleaning myself up and did something else, like browsing my phone.
> 
> My husband seems to really like the change, but I wondered if the way I feel is normal, what I want is normal, and what we are doing is normal. I'm really open-minded about a lot of things, *but when it comes to myself, I'm unsure about a lot of things.*


Welcome to the sex life of adults!

The majority of us - male or female - are quite unsure of themselves, physically and/or sexually. Showing this is what makes a negative impact on one's sexual performance.

Sex is something that is partner-specific, and what works for one won't necessarily work for another. Nobody is universally 'good at sex'. It's clear that your husband is highly satisfied, and that's all that matters. You could do the exact same things with somebody else, and it may not work for them. My ex wife and I simply weren't compatible in the bedroom. My current wife and I are. I didn't miraculously learn how to be a good lover, I didn't learn some crazy new technique and my penis didn't get any bigger, etc etc etc. I found compatibility, and it sounds like you did, too.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Overall this sounds great. 
The only thing I'd suggest is find a time to talk to him and discover if there is anything he would like that you aren't doing. You don't need to do whatever he asks, but if you decide not to, turn it down as gently as you can so that he feels free to suggest other things. 

You can also make other suggestions for him. Maybe he wants to be tied up some day. Or has his own ideas of what sort of role-play would be fun. Or maybe he does just want vanilla sex sometimes. 

The real key is that if you are both having fun, that is all that matters.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

animallovers said:


> He even wants to have sex in the forest and in the staircase in our building.


Having sex in the stairwell of your building could get you arrested. What if some kid was taking the stairs and walked in on you? It's not a private place. When my kids were little, they loved stairwells. Whenever we went to a hotel, they had to take the stairs over and over. They would go up and down the stairs for entertainment until they wore themselves out. Don’t think that no one takes the stairs or that only adults do. You may expect that if you do get caught, it will be funny, but not everyone is a voyeur. 



animallovers said:


> sex in a tent, sex in the car


Not everything is okay. Exhibitionism takes it from your life to the life of someone who didn’t ask to be involved. If you are having sex someplace hoping to be caught or the idea of someone seeing or hearing you turns you on, so you choose a place you are likely to for this to happen, you’ve gone too far.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Fortunately the internet provides a wonderful outlet for exhibitionism: You can film yourself having sex, wearing masks if you like and post it for others to see.

Some people are attracted to the idea of sex in "risky" places. I think that as long as you avoid areas with children, you are unlikely to be arrested. 




CynthiaDe said:


> Having sex in the stairwell of your building could get you arrested. What if some kid was taking the stairs and walked in on you? It's not a private place. When my kids were little, they loved stairwells. Whenever we went to a hotel, they had to take the stairs over and over. They would go up and down the stairs for entertainment until they wore themselves out. Don’t think that no one takes the stairs or that only adults do. You may expect that if you do get caught, it will be funny, but not everyone is a voyeur.
> 
> 
> Not everything is okay. Exhibitionism takes it from your life to the life of someone who didn’t ask to be involved. If you are having sex someplace hoping to be caught or the idea of someone seeing or hearing you turns you on, so you choose a place you are likely to for this to happen, you’ve gone too far.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> Having sex in the stairwell of your building could get you arrested. What if some kid was taking the stairs and walked in on you? It's not a private place. When my kids were little, they loved stairwells. Whenever we went to a hotel, they had to take the stairs over and over. They would go up and down the stairs for entertainment until they wore themselves out. Don’t think that no one takes the stairs or that only adults do. You may expect that if you do get caught, it will be funny, but not everyone is a voyeur.
> 
> 
> Not everything is okay. Exhibitionism takes it from your life to the life of someone who didn’t ask to be involved. If you are having sex someplace hoping to be caught or the idea of someone seeing or hearing you turns you on, so you choose a place you are likely to for this to happen, you’ve gone too far.




Certainly one perspective. But a LOT of people don't have these concerns. I think you should explore public sex if you think it might turn you on. HJ under a blanket in a park, stairwell in a place that typically doesn't have kids, definitely a park as long as you can shield yourself if a young person shows up. I agree it's important to assess the likelihood of kids showing up and take precautions.

Maybe start with a bj at a changing area in the adult section of a department store.

The possibility of being caught is something that turns many people on. Or even ensuring that someone can sort of tell what you're doing.

Some people have planned wardrobe malfunctions but not sex as a turn on. A bit too sheer, upskirt, etc. it might turn your H on to know other guys are secretly looking at you while you two pretend you don't notice you're flashing while sitting at the park or beach, etc. Again, no kids, but a LOT of guys would enjoy this, and H might get amped up by the competition - similar chemicals as initial love are released when we're jealous, so you not wearing panties and accidentally flashing could get H a bit conflicted and aroused.

Just don't get arrested.


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## animallovers (Oct 31, 2016)

Thanks again everyone for sharing your opinion. It is a little strange to admit I'm a highly sexual woman after all these years. I could go days without sex when we are both busy, but have never turned down my husband unless I'm really ill or tired.

Yesterday we tried something new and afterwards, my husband said if he had suggested something like this 2 years ago, I would have probably asked for a divorce. He said the change was unexpected but exciting and so hot, so I guess I should stop doubting myself.

As for public sex, it's not the exposed kind that everyone is thinking. My husband doesn't even let me change shirts next to our bedroom window (we lived on the 5th floor). He is very protective and jealous, but he also likes experimenting new places to have sex. For example, by having sex in the tent, I meant we were doing primitive camping in Dead Valley, and did it one early morning when we were sure no one was around. Sex in the car = in our garage or drive to an empty beach in a tinted window car. I know how to control the noise when needed, because we used to do it in his bedroom in his parents' house, and his parents were the religious kind that is opposed to sex before marriage (we had to stay in separate room when visiting them - but their son couldn't help it







). It is very interesting that he and I grew up and became very different people from our parents.

As for our plan to sex in the staircase at 3a.m. in the morning, we are living in the U.S., and apparently nobody uses the staircase (there are 3 elevators in the building). I mean NOBODY, and that may be why there are many overweight, out-of-shape, and obese people here. I love taking the stairs at work (there are 45 stories), and every time I do, people look at me like I'm some weirdo. We have not done this yet, but definitely will take precautions. I don't even let him kiss me in public if there are kids around, so having a kid walking in on us will be irresponsible and embarrassing.

I really appreciate your input and concern. I definitely don't want to get arrested for public indecency, given I have never had even a parking ticket. I will also keep talking to my husband and asking what he likes. The difficult thing is he will tell me he wants what I want, and whatever makes me feel good. It's like asking your guy what he likes to eat, and he says anything is fine :/.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK fine. 
Tell him you want to tie him to the bed. Then tease him mercilessly and don't give him relief until he tells you exactly what he would like. 

Just kidding... mostly....>



animallovers said:


> snip
> I will also keep talking to my husband and asking what he likes. The difficult thing is he will tell me he wants what I want, and whatever makes me feel good. It's like asking your guy what he likes to eat, and he says anything is fine :/.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Tell him you want to peg and humiliate him. If he says ok then I guess you know he's down with anything (lucky girl  ). But you might actually find a boundary and form a basis to have the discussion you really want - which is to get him to talk to you about this stuff.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Make sure you agree to a "safe word".


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