# How to set boundaries with finances.



## truthseeker46 (Nov 19, 2016)

I'm not looking for negativity, just some ways to handle this situation. I have been married for almost 3 years. When my husband and I met we talked about finances. He informed me he had a spending habit. I was O.K. with that. I was previously divorce with 4 children. I sold my home and had equity, had a seasonal part-time job. At the time child support was being paid on time. I was honest from the beginning the child support probably would stop and it would be a fight to get. I have no debt at all. I invested the money into cd's from my sale of home. There wasn't enough to help my husband out. I lived a very sensible life style. I didn't have much money so I utilized as little as we had. I'm a stay at home mother and homeschool my children. I have 2 left to go in the home. My adult daughter helps out with groceries and necessities. My husband and I talked and was in agreement that I could stay home and take care of the children. That he is a good provider. I don't need much and don't have an outrageous spending habit. I buy grocery, necessities for the home. I upkeep this home everyday and home school and do errands for the household. When I want something extra I do odd jobs to get things. Which is not very often. When I do get paid from child support, I pay for the children activities, clothes, groceries and necessities that are needed. Sometimes use it for maintenance on vehicles. My problem I'm having is my husband has a house payment I would never be able to afford. Plus a second mortgage and keeps taking out high loans to buy materialistic things (expensive skidsteer, trailor, and a shed). My husband has a nice truck with payments. One he paid cash for with money from an IRA, that we will have to pay taxes on this year. He had extra cash a month from work and decided to buy a 55,000 sports car. Basically, he is at a point in his life (debt) he is upside down. He asked me to help him get out of debt and he is bored of his job he has worked for 25 years. I don't think we are on the same page. I feel I would be hindering him by working to pay off his debt when I know when he sees were ahead to buy something else with high payments. I know I wouldn't handle the stress of having a full time job and homeschooling the children. I feel he needs to sell stuff that just sits. He is working hard 7 days a week and I understand that's the norm for him. That's what he was use to with his first wife. (which is deceased). The extra money I do make I keep separate and use it for groceries, gas, repairs, and things needed for the home. I own nothing and he brings up the fact that it's unfair that he works all the time to pay bills. These bills were here before I came and I am contributing with what I have and trying to balance out my time. I feel it's unfair we are not working together to be content with our lives. Where we are a family and enjoying one another. I don't know how to not live within my means. I find it stressful. I don't say anything or nag at him because in our state I'm not liable for his debt. My point is I'm not understanding where he is coming from. I feel like he wants me to pay the price with him for his debts that I wasn't heard when I told him my opinion when he asked that we couldn't afford those things. He went out and bought it on credit anyhow!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm very much like you.

I currently have no debt, and when I was married, the only debt we had was the house and payments on one car. I also homeschooled, and I also took on small jobs to pay for vacations, hobbies and extras.

The only difference is that my ex-husband and I were basically on the same page about money. He never paid attention to our finances, but he also didn't spend.

I would say, if it were me, I'd stand my ground. I'd gently, lovingly say no. To me, it's not about fair or unfair. He's a grown man, and he had debts to pay. 

I also think it's reasonable for him to sell off stuff to take care of what he owes. After the divorce, I spent two years selling off everything I could through ebay and craigslist and made thousands of dollars. It's definitely doable.

The ongoing problem will be that you two see money very differently. 

Even if these bills get paid, if his attitude toward money stays the same, new issues will come up, and you'll be pressured to help deal with them.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It's very difficult for two people to work things out financially when they don't view money the same way. Meeting with a financial counselor could help because it's a neutral third person.


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## truthseeker46 (Nov 19, 2016)

Thank you for reading and I needed to read this and feel like I'm not alone.


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## Mrs.Stone (Jan 25, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> It's very difficult for two people to work things out financially when they don't view money the same way. Meeting with a financial counselor could help because it's a neutral third person.



I agree most times your finance counselor can teach you both things about money that you did not know helping you both grow in knowledge together to change bad habits and work together to your finance goals.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Sounds like he is spending more than he makes. Never a good thing.... especially when he may be

thinking of leaving his job. What was his childhood like? How about his previous M?

His financial hardship will affect you. Not a thing wrong with giving him advice on how to dig out

of his hole $, just don't take over his payments.


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## RussellHarper (Feb 9, 2018)

I can relate to this.


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