# new here, need some support



## CallaLily

Hello, newbie here! I've been lurking for awhile thought I would go ahead and sign up. 

My dad passed away about 3 months ago. I know his passing is still fresh and new and as far the grieving process goes. I have been speaking with a counselor about my feeling and trying to make sense of it all. 

I had a good relationship with my dad, well both my parents really. He had been sick for some time. He had cancer and was really struggling with it for along time. When they found the cancer had spread, of course things turned for the worse quickly. I live in another state from my parents, and I have seen him several times since he had been sick. 

When I got the call things had taken a turn for the worse, and my brother told me he might make it anywhere from a few hours, to a few days, weeks etc, I hopped a plane as soon as I could, which i guess wasn't soon enough. I could only get a flight out the next day after my brother told me how bad things were. I know it was beyond my control. 

By the time I arrived, he had already passed! I was simply devastated.  I was just hurt and confused and angry at myself for not getting there sooner. Not because I thought I could save a dying man but because there were some things I wanted to say to him, that I didn't get to. I just cried and cried. 

My family tries to reassure me all the time that he knew I loved him and he knew I didn't want for him to continue to suffer. But for whatever reason I'm struggling to make peace with it all. I feel like a failure for not getting there soon enough, and no one blames me and reminds me it was something I couldn't help and had no control over. Even after his death and once he was laid to rest, I guess maybe I should have gone to his side and told him how I felt. Maybe I didn't and don't because I feel like it wont matter now. 

Anyway its something I'm working on in counseling. Anyone else going through the grieving process or maybe feelings of guilt even though you know in your mind you couldn't help it etc? When does it get easier?


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## lace5262

I have not had to deal with this. I just wanted you to know I've read your post, and I am so sorry for your loss. (((Callalily)))


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## major misfit

I am so sorry for your loss. People handle grief differently, even though there are stages of grief. Maybe it would help you to write down the things you wanted to say to your father, insert them into a balloon, fill it with helium and let it float away? Symbolically reaching. I don't know if that will or won't help you. Just a suggestion.
My children lost their father suddenly, even though there was estrangement and a lot of pain there. It still hurt them terribly when he passed as he WAS their father and they did love him regardless of everything that had happened. It was suggested that they do what I recommended to you. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it did seem to offer some sort of relief. Just to get it all out seemed to help.
Again, I'm so sorry for your pain.


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## Blanca

Im sorry for your loss. my dad passed away over ten years ago and im still dealing with the grieving of it all. my husbands grandmother, who pretty much raised him, is getting old and frail and im urging him to go visit her before she passes. he doesnt understand how difficult it is to live with if you dont get to say goodbye.


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## CallaLily

Thank you so much for your replies. It really means alot. Taking it one day at a time is all I can do. Some days are just harder than others it seems. Thanks again.


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## major misfit

Absolutely one day at a time. I was 12 when my mother passed, and there are still days (40 years later) when I miss her. You never forget, but the pain lessens.


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## bossesgirl26

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mother last summer. I have many regrets with her, conversations I wish I would have had, wasted time in arguements, etc. I could go on and on. In the beginning I beat myself up over this stuff. Now, almost a year after her passing, I am able to still reflect on these missed opportunities, etc in my mind. However I am able to do so without the guilt and should have, could haves, etc. I strongly encourage you to journal and/or write a letter to you Dad. Read it, keep it, destroy, you choose. I wrote one to my Mother. I still have it. It is sealed. You just have to take it one day at a time. I have come so far in almost a year. Don't be too hard on yourself. Allow yourself to feel however you need and want to.


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