# Should I stay or should I go?



## whattodo?? (Sep 14, 2010)

Hello all, 
New here, and not liking that I have to seek total strangers for advice.

I know this is long, but if you have time, please read.. I am soo in need of advice.

I will try and keep this as brief as possible..hmm..15 years condensed!

I met my husband when my son was 9 years old through a relative. Love at first sight. He was transfered to another state within 2 months of dating. I thought he was the one, so I looked for a job in his new state and moved there. Gave up a job I loved..followed my heart. Sooo out of my nature, never lived with a guy out of wedlock. Even had my families "Catholic" blessing. They thought I shoud go as well.

We were to be in that state for 1 year. 1 year turned into 3..He told me he could not get a transfer and he would be out there for 5 years. He traveled a lot and I was alone a lot. Knew no one in our neighborhood. Unfortunately, an old boy friend from 10 years prior found me and was "stalking" me in our neighborhood, followed me, sat down the street waiting for me to leave every day. My husband (boyfriend at the time) said he was not going to change his lifestyle and stay in town just because of my "stalker". I had the police help me out, got a restraining order and told my husband (boyfriend at the time) marry me or I am moving back home. He chose to let me go.

I moved home, and he, suddenly got a transfer to my home town (what happened to the "can't move for 5 years??). I was moving on with my life and wanted to do nothing with him. I felt he had his chance and blew it. However, he kept going over to my sister's house and would hang out with them and talked about how him and I were going to get married someday. This was a year after we were apart. He never called me or tried to save our relationship. He just let me go. I called him and asked him to leave my family alone and if he had something to say to me, then say it. He asked me out on a date, and a year later, he proposed. 

Through pre marriage classes and house hunting, there were tons of "flags" that I should have payed attention to. What is his was to be his, and what is mine is to be mine...separate accounts, separate everything. I was not to know what his investments were or where the money was. I was to make my own money and take care of my stuff and half the household stuff. I stayed with him and went along with it, because, after all, I was 35 and thought he was the best and most stable guy I would ever find. Even after we got married, his Mom would come and visit, and discuss with my husband the investments that they had with each other. His Mom is his beneficiary even to this day. We have been married 9 years.

We have had tons of fights over the years, little and big. The first big one was after we were married for 2 years and I asked him if we could have a child together. He told me no, (even though when we were dating, and during our wedding ceremony, he said he wanted kids). I asked him if he really did love me? He was upset and started to yell at me. I was upset and took our wedding picture off our night stand and threw it on the floor, breaking the glass. He then called me profanities and threw and drug me across the floor, resulting in a huge rug burn on my knee that required bandaging and did not heal for a month. 6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. Strangly enough, he seemed alright with it and loves his little girl today.

I was a successful realtor when I got pregnant. Since my husband was working all the time, I thought, I might as well work all the time too. But, when I got pregnant, all that had to change. I asked if we could hire a nanny and he said no, stay home with our daughter, but still make money. Sell real estate on the side. That is very hard to do when you cannot work evenings and only see your husband as a family on weekends. Nonetheless, I make ok money trying to sell on the side, doing odd jobs here and there, plus take care of our house, 5 acres, animals, mow the lawn, PTO meetings, etc, etc, etc.... We have even had a mouse, fly and flea problem for the past 8 weeks. I have been taking care of sterilizing, bombing, taking care of all that needs to be taken care of with that. He will NOT let me hire an exterminator. He makes REALLY good money, and sits on it! Like I said, what is his is his!
Here is the problem. When he is home, he is not home. He is a workaholic and works all the time. He says he has to in order to keep our family financially stable. However, he does not spend time with my daughter or me. If he is not traveling, he is working in his home office, working on a project. He does not believe in family vacations. He is currently gone 2 weeks out of the month every month. When he comes home, he puts his luggage away, changes is clothes, heads out to the office, or out for a project, or on the phone with his boss. Our quality time is watching tv while he works on his computer till 11pm. He then, typically will fall asleep on the couch, wakes up the next day, and starts all over again. He calls me once a day when he is gone, and talks to me for 5 minutes, usually when I am getting our daughter dinner. 

Last week he came home Friday night from a trip. He did nothing but the same. Changed his clothes, went out to work on a project. Our neighbor's came over for a bonfire to visit us. My husband sat on the phone with his boss for an hour. The whole night when I would ask him something, to do something, check on our daughter and her friend, whatever it was, he rolled his eyes at me, got huffy and would stomp away to do it. He then went in the house to check on my daughter's sleep over and fell asleep in the recliner while we had guests over. My neighbor's wondered what was going on with him and even asked why he was treating me this way, especially when he was gone all week. He was gone Tuesday thru Friday, fell asleep on the couch Friday and Saturday night. Leaves again this Sunday afternoon. 

I know this is long, but this has been going on for a long time. Our arguments are always the same. He looks for me for solutions, but then gets defensive whenever I suggest something. I want to leave and move on with my life. I feel he does not really love me and is waiting for me to leave so he can be a victim. To me, it seems he is doing a lot of this just because he knows it upsets me. I have told him I am leaving several times, then feeling like most people, try to hang in there for the kids and for what marriage is suppose to be. He , then, acts like nothing is wrong and goes at it all over again, round and around we go!

This, is honestly, it in a nutshell. There is sooo much more to this! I really would be so appreciative of any advice or comments someone could make to help me! Sorry this is so long!!!

Thanks for reading...

Whattodo???


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Re-read your post as if it were your best friend telling you & asking for advice. 


Sorry. I know it's easier said than done but try. 

I also know what it's like to have a post not replied to!!!!!



(and I also know what it's like to receive good advice but want different.........)


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## whattodo?? (Sep 14, 2010)

Thanks,
I will try!
Thanks for responding!!


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## whattodo?? (Sep 14, 2010)

Ok, re read it..
gonna guess here..
to me it sounds like I pushed myself on him, and he really is with me just to be with me or to have "someone" around when he is..not for love or anything else.
Is this correct??


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## ADM (Apr 12, 2010)

could be, it is a cliche however...all fear that, don't we?!

On the other hand, have you tried envisioning yourself on other dimensions...like you see yourself otherwise? have you done that? Are you comfortable with that? How will you come there, if that is the case?


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## cxf33 (May 30, 2010)

My first impression after reading your story is that he is not willing to go the next level that is clearly required for a marriage. Maybe I am seeing some of myself in his actions and I am just projecting, but he left after 2 months when you first met. You also said there were plenty of red flags in pre-marriage courses. I think those were real. The money issue suggests to me that he isn't willing to commit resources to the family and so he is holding back. To me this is the tip of the iceberg and you may hav to wait a lifetime to see any changes. Are you really up for that lifetime of waiting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the last straw (Sep 13, 2010)

i wanted to read your post but i couldn't follow it. too confusing. i
but it seems clear that your have been miserable. is that what you want to continue living with? do you have the quality of life you want? is there hope of change today or this week of this month? has there been change for the better since you wrote your post?
if not, you may not have the tools you need to solve your issues.
after countless therapists and over 10 years of trying i realized finally that if i had 100 years and 100 therapists it still wouldn't be enough to help us. do you love him enough to ignore the crap and savor the,, however few... good times?


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