# What to do if husband still has feelings for the OW?



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I posted this in my other thread, but I found out last night that the cheating that I thought was only physical was actually an emotional affair too. Husband wasn't going to ever tell me about the feelings he had/has for OW, in the hopes they would go away.

Although he has ended the affair, how can I go on and try to reconcile if he's not 100% in it. As long as he has any feelings for her, he'll never been 100% in it. I wanted to give up last night and he begged me not to just yet. But why should I wait around while he figures out his feelings for her? What if he realizes he would rather have her, all the while I've been waiting patiently trying to work through all this?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

He's still on his endorphin rush. It's not "real love", it's just new and exciting.

Best thing to tell him is that he is free to go to pursue his infatuation and you will be happy to file for the divorce.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My wife struggles with this also. D Day was only the last couple of weeks right? Based on my experience and my EA he doesn't know what he feels right now. His emotions are a great big jumbled pile right now. He's likely in "the fog" and it will take a little time for him to sort it all out - I know it's painful - but it's pretty normal.

If he's doing the right things - if he's genuinely remorseful, taking ownership, being accountable and doing what you need then I'd give him some time to sort his emotions out. An emotional connection is hard to break, the fact that the relationship was illicit doesn't make it any easier sorry to say. 

Listen to his actions, not his words. Cheaters lie, his actions will tell you more about where he really is. Having said that, concealing details about the affair and continuing to keep secrets from you are the wrong things for him to be doing. That would concern me more than the revelation that he has/had feelings for the OW.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Based on my experience and my EA he doesn't know what he feels right now. .


I disagree. He knows exactly what he feels and should communicate that to his wife.


----------



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

How do we, as the betrayed, handle "the fog?" I thought reconciliation was supposed to be all about us? OUR needs, OUR time table, OUR choices. Waiting for him to emerge(or not) doesn't seem to jive with those plans.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

This is one of the primary reasons why I never reconcile. Not only is it hurtful but also incredibly insulting. Get on with your life I say.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I disagree. He knows exactly what he feels and should communicate that to his wife.


Well - in reality I did, so I guess you're right. I can just understand how in the days immediately after D day as the fog is really screwing up your mind it can be hard to see through it all and make a concrete decision. Don't get me wrong - this (being stuck in indecision and "not knowing what you want") and trickle truth are the two things that cheaters do that I think are the cruelest - I railed on HerToo about the former repeatedly.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> How do we, as the betrayed, handle "the fog?" I thought reconciliation was supposed to be all about us? OUR needs, OUR time table, OUR choices. Waiting for him to emerge(or not) doesn't seem to jive with those plans.


You're totally right. This is the crappy double duty that betrayed spouses who want to reconcile have to put up with. They have to smack their cheating spouse hard enough to break them out of it and then wait for the withdrawal to work it's way or not. 

This is part of the reason many betrayed spouses call it quits regardless of how remorseful their spouse is. I didn't say it was right, I just said it wasn't abnormal. On top of it, you will have that nagging question for some time. I'm 18 months post D Day and my wife still has that question periodically.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

It took me about 4 months to fully get past the "Fog".


----------



## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Listen to his actions, not his words. Cheaters lie, his actions will tell you more about where he really is. Having said that, concealing details about the affair and continuing to keep secrets from you are the wrong things for him to be doing. That would concern me more than the revelation that he has/had feelings for the OW.


:iagree:


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think my guy experiences triggers as well. Around this time last year, my guy called his EA and asked what she was doing for the SuperBowl. Here in London it comes on at 11:30pm and many pubs open up for the occasion. I had already told my guy that I wasn't interested in going and was trying to think of friends he could call to see what they were doing. 

He of course didn't tell me that he was going to call his former (let's hope) EA. Since later on in the year he and I did get to a point where he wanted to show me his texts, I could see that she immediately told him that I wasn't welcomed. I asked him why and she said that because the table they had be big enough for one more but two more. She also told my guy that he bf would be there and he turned down the offer. I told him that it appears that you didn't go because her bf would be there.

Well, fast forward a year, and this whole weekend while I am convalescing from major surgery, he got snippy with me a on a couple of occasions.....to the point where I finally asked, were you hoping to go to a pub to watch the SuperBowl. I don't know if it's good that I avoided saying her name or not.

The next trigger that I imagine that will come up will St. Patrick's Day since she has before invited him to that binge drinking activity.

We will see.


----------



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

You are both F-d up right now and probably will be for
some time. If you both want R then I think you both need to recognize that. You can't change the way a person feels instantly. If you both agree you still want to be married at this point then you have a start. He is going to fight feelings for the OW and there is going to be days when you resent him and want to give up. We are 3 months out from d-day and are just stArting to work on building the marriage again. We both have had a lot of good and bad days but we try and go to each other for support. At this stage if he is following NC then I think you just need to be patient if you truely want R. If he can make it through this f-d up stage and stay away from the OW then your marriage has a chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife fought feelings for the OM after dday. She screwed up once a
few weeks in and sent a text to him because she heard through a colleague some bad thing he was saying about her to other people in her industry. She panicked after she sent it and called me before he could respond. I told her if she wanted to come home she had to send him a text telling him that she made a mistake and to not respond. He never did. It was after this that we wrote the NC letter. If she breaches it again, no matter how small, our marriage is over. She knows this and more importantly I believe I would do it.

I tell you this because it is 3 months after dday and the OM that my wife was going to destroy our family for she now depises. She hates him for what he was a part of. What she became because of him makes her sick. She says she dosent ever think about feelings for him. She does however admit that she misses how she felt during the affair. The excitement, the newness, etc. I think we all miss this when we are in long term relationships. Your husband might not miss the woman but he is definitely missing that feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

dingerdad, I cannot tell you how much hearing your story is appreciated. To know that others who have strayed have fought the feelings and come out on the other side seeing the light makes me hopeful. 

If you don't mind, may I ask how you dealt with knowing she still had feelings for him? Didn't it make you wonder if she was only trying to reconcile out of guilt instead of truly wanting to be with you, and only you, 100%?


----------



## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Sometimes the "fog" isn't a fog at all. And that's what your H is going through, trying to figure it out right now. It's going to be a roller coaster ride of emotion for both of you for the next however many months you decide to work on reconciling. 
In his shoes - it's really hard to tell your H or W that you are in love with someone else
He may also be battling why he started getting feeling for the OW. He knew what he was doing was wrong. Just couldn't control it.

In time, no contact will answer the question if it is just a "fog".


----------



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> dingerdad, I cannot tell you how much hearing your story is appreciated. To know that others who have strayed have fought the feelings and come out on the other side seeing the light makes me hopeful.
> 
> If you don't mind, may I ask how you dealt with knowing she still had feelings for him? Didn't it make you wonder if she was only trying to reconcile out of guilt instead of truly wanting to be with you, and only you, 100%?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I think we all still carry some feelings from past relationships with us our whole lives. We also can have feelings for people we haven't had relationships with. It's our actions that make us who we are. Just because I might think about an ex from before I was married does not mean I would run to a hotel with her if I saw her. But I also know that it would be wrong of me to pursue a friendship with her.

The only way I've found to deal with it was to just not care. So what if he thinks about her or has lingering feelings for her. He has chosen you and your marriage. If his actions are consistent with that then you are heading in the right direction. If he is being honest with his feeling to you then that is a good sign. If he is battling his feeling for you then that's a good sign. We choose to be the people that we are despite our feelings. That's what I think.

All the Hollywood crap about soulmates, love at first site, following your heart, etc is just that. Crap. It's the things people say when they are justifying an affair. Making a choice to love someone forever no matter how you feel at times throughout the relationship is what I think live is. It's a choice not a feeling. I don't know your whole story but if it follows a general pattern then your husband choice to follow his feelings made him a cheater. His choice to love you and commit to your marriage despite his feelings is what makes him a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Also we are a long way from the other side. We are heading in the right direction but there is still a lot of days that I don't know I I can do it anymore. It's incredibly hard. I think it'll be year untill we know if we made the right choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you for your reply. It helps me to hear how others are handling the same situation and to know that it CAN be handled. I'm only a week into this whole mess, so the wounds are still extremely fresh. My husband's actions, for the most part, are showing me he has chosen me. I just wish he would allow me to cope and grieve the way I need to, instead of the way he wants me to. Until he shows me that he's truly interested in MY healing, I've decided to pull away a little. Let him really pursue me, if he chooses. Like you said, it's all about his choices now.


----------



## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I am Dingers wW. I agree with everything he has said. I did & do battle feelings/emotions everyday about where we are & what I feel for the OM. I started feeling what I thought was "love", went into questioning things he said or did trying to see diff motives, to anger for encouraging the A when I wud melt down w guilt & then the disgust set in. I am disgusted with myself for the choices I made, lies I told & actions I justified. And I am disgusted with the OM cuz his wife of 22yrs had an affair that ended his marriage 5yrs ago, him having shear hate for her & then him doing the very same thing. 
I dO miss the rush of the A & how special he made me feel, some days are really tough now cuz I see the hurt in my H & it breaks me. But those are also the days that make me that much more determined to press into the love in my marriage cuz I know it is all worth it. I love Dinger & I know it's a steep hill ahead. And I think this is all part of our grieving/coming out of the fog or whatever. Feelings didn't develop overnight & they won't stop that way either. We just have to chose which ones are the most important to us. 
Your H is prob feeling all this & then some, if it only days after dday. If he is truely in love with u & committed to R, then u guys have hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Allybabe, it's great to have your input too! It's really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he gave so much of himself to another woman, especially his heart. I'm hoping in time, he'll see the relationship for what it was--a thrill ride that made him feel good. But I also have to come to terms that his feelings for her might be true.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well said Ally. Aqua, the feelings your H had for his OW virtually can't be true. Their relationship was based on lies, deceit and fantasy. My AP (affair partner) was an old flame for me, she and I did have a connection years ago. Today, a year and a half post d day, I can see that despite the fact that my AP and I were an item 20 years ago, our affair two years ago was all BS. The fantasy, the secret, the lies all create a environment to make something that isn't, look and feel like love. As long as your husband maintains no contact, the fog will lift for him, as it does he should realize this as well.


----------

