# Communication help



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

The title pretty sums it up, I would like a little guidance getting some communicate started with my wife. Really looking for insight from a female point of view. 

Start with a little background: My wife and I have been married for 4 years, second for us both. She is extremely smart and will tend to dominate most discussions. Not that I am dumb, she is just very nimble verbally. She has a Phd, she knows she is smart, and cannot understand why other people don't see it the way she does. Will argue a point till it is dull or the other side capitulates, whether she is right or wrong. Doesn't matter that she will use any emotional tactic to dominate/win the conversation, her excuse being that she "will always apologize later if I am wrong." 

I have tried to give her what she really wants, and that is to express my feelings and emotions to her. I am from an alcoholic family and expression of emotions has always been difficult for me, especially if the other person I am talking with can be a little emotional or volatile. Not a cop out, it has been difficult but I try.

Hence the question I am trying to ask; whats a good way to bring up difficult discussions with my wife? I want to have open discussions but I tend to clam up if put on the defensive. Very hard cycle to break, but there are things we need to talk about and I want to get them started.

You can tell me to put on my big boy pants and do it, but I would appreciate some constructive input.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Have you ever tried writing it? While open verbal communication is obviously the goal, sometimes getting down on paper all you want to get across is a good start. Perhaps ask her to write her reply as well.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

C3156 said:


> she is just very nimble verbally. She has a Phd, she knows she is smart, and cannot understand why other people don't see it the way she does. Will argue a point till it is dull or the other side capitulates, whether she is right or wrong. Doesn't matter that she will use any emotional tactic to dominate/win the conversation,


She has some Emotional Intelligence skills, and lacks others. How you go about this depends on your Emotional Intelligence, as well. If her emotional ploys work, then what does it matter how you approach the subject?

The best way to approach it is to have an unwavering faith in yourself. That doesn't mean that you are "right" or she is "wrong". I write about this a lot. An opinion is just an opinion, and the best way to communicate, even with difficult individuals, is to validate each other.

"you feel ______"
"I feel________"
"oh I see how you feel"

If you can communicate with curiosity, you will gain a lot of ground. But you also have to resist the attempts of others to give you their opinion. Your opinion is yours. 

"I understand how you feel."
"I disagree, but see how you arrived to that conclusion"

If she tells you that you are wrong:

"I understand that you feel that I am wrong about _______"
"Could you elaborate why you feel that way?"


Imagine if she is telling you that your favorite food choice is "wrong." She can logic her way to proving you wrong, but it has no bearing on your opinion. Treat communication with this curiosity and in the mindset that you have some innate opinions. Through this approach, you may change your views. You may not, as well.

You don't need to prove anything to her. Leave it up to her to accept your opinion. When you do this, you actually put her in a pickle. No negativity or manipulation necessary.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

What I've tried to do is slow the conversation down to a point where her nimbleness won't serve her as well. This also makes her use at least some of your "conversation rules". You will also have to learn not to back down from her attacks. No matter how much she beats a subject to a pulp, keep arguing your point and don't let her win. She's probably used to winning in these situations.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> Have you ever tried writing it? While open verbal communication is obviously the goal, sometimes getting down on paper all you want to get across is a good start. Perhaps ask her to write her reply as well.


I have written down a lot of things that I want to get across. I am hesitant about giving her a couple of pieces of paper to say what I want. Although it could be a place to potentially start some conversations. 




Relationship Teacher said:


> The best way to approach it is to have an unwavering faith in yourself. That doesn't mean that you are "right" or she is "wrong". I write about this a lot. An opinion is just an opinion, and the best way to communicate, even with difficult individuals, is to validate each other.
> 
> You don't need to prove anything to her. Leave it up to her to accept your opinion. When you do this, you actually put her in a pickle. No negativity or manipulation necessary.


Even though I know what I feel, getting her to accept that feeling is frustrating. A typical response is along the lines of, "I'm sorry you feel xxxxx, that is your problem." I realize that I don't need to prove anything, but it would be nice to be validated a little more often. 

I forgot to mention that she is a mental health professional, I believe that they are sometimes the worst to deal with.




jb02157 said:


> What I've tried to do is slow the conversation down to a point where her nimbleness won't serve her as well. This also makes her use at least some of your "conversation rules". You will also have to learn not to back down from her attacks. No matter how much she beats a subject to a pulp, keep arguing your point and don't let her win. She's *probably* used to winning in these situations.


Probably? lol 

You are absolutely correct about not backing down, I need to just grin and bear it. 

What to you mean with respect to slowing down the conversation?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

C3156 said:


> Even though I know what I feel, getting her to accept that feeling is frustrating. A typical response is along the lines of, "I'm sorry you feel xxxxx, that is your problem." I realize that I don't need to prove anything, but it would be nice to be validated a little more often.
> 
> I forgot to mention that she is a mental health professional, I believe that they are sometimes the worst to deal with.


I anticipated that was her profession. 

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a lousy response.

"that is your problem" is a lousy response.

I understand your wish to be validated, but it will take a bit of healthy force to get her to do so. You might say that her profession offers a challenge to overcome. You might also say that she has studied these things already, which would make it easier.


Try this:

Communicate in a manner that is like giving a gift. Put your thoughts in a box. Wrap it up. Put it on the table. Let her pick up the box and open it up. Let her do what she wants with it when she sees your words.

Depending on her reaction, there is more advice and understanding that I'd have to give you, but the idea is incredibly profound and powerful.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

C3156 said:


> Probably? lol
> 
> You are absolutely correct about not backing down, I need to just grin and bear it.
> 
> What to you mean with respect to slowing down the conversation?


To try to stop her from talking so fast "at you", I try to answer slower and therefore try to get her to slow down the conversation and talk slower. This way you take over some of the ownership of the conversation if you make her wait for your answers. She calls it being passive aggressive. How can it be passive aggressive if I'm still answering her? It's worked for me pretty good.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> To try to stop her from talking so fast "at you", I try to answer slower and therefore try to get her to slow down the conversation and talk slower. This way you take over some of the ownership of the conversation if you make her wait for your answers. She calls it being passive aggressive. How can it be passive aggressive if I'm still answering her? It's worked for me pretty good.


That is PA without the A.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Thanks guys for taking the time to reply. Just realize that you totally defeated the purpose of my posting in the "Ladies Lounge."

I was really looking for some ladies input on how they would like to be approached for difficult conversations. I expect there will be tension in the conversation, but what are methods to not come across as confrontational?

I get the idea of using "I" and "me" statements as I am not trying to lay blame. I really want to work through things that we have been somewhat tip-toeing around. 

Since no women have responded, I have to wonder if I come across that poorly...


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi OP,

No you haven't come across poorly at all. I'm a woman so I'll give you my point of view. 

Yes, it is very difficult to talk about hard subjects. My H and I used to be horrible at this...every time we would try and talk, it would escalate in seconds to a fight, and then we wouldn't talk at all for days. This went on for years. 

We have been in marriage counseling for awhile now...in fact over a year of every other week. But it has paid off. 

Try as best you can to not accuse or attack. I do try to keep my arguments to 1) It upsets me when this happens, etc. or 2) I would feel better if XYZ...
Your W shouldn't say "that is your problem"...because no matter what she needs to acknowledge how YOU feel, and vice versa. You can agree to disagree, but you are still entitled to your feelings and vice versa.

Now when we talk about stuff...we try and do it calmly...and we don't accuse one another. It is SO much better. We also had to each gain a better understanding of the other person, and what each of us was doing to push their buttons, etc. Now that we both understand each other better, our communication is MUCH better. 

Sometimes I used to ask H to go for a drive with me, and we would drive and talk about what was bothering us. Other times we did use email to communicate, but it is tricky because as you know, email can be easily misunderstood. So better to talk in person. Can you let her know beforehand that you want to discuss a few things when you both have time, etc? 

The other thing is, when you or your wife is speaking, the other person needs to REALLY listen to what they are saying, and not just think "here is my comeback...I'm going to defend myself...I can't believe what he/she is saying", etc. STOP thinking what YOU are going to reply...and LISTEN to what they are saying. Now, after you really listen, you still may have to offer your comeback, but you haven't shut out what your spouse is saying to you.

Completely understandable with your background why you would be uncomfortable with feelings. But you do need to communicate or the issues will remain. Oh and IMHO many guys are uncomfortable with expressing their emotions.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi OP,

I just noticed there is an article on this very topic on the home page of TAM. Now, they aren't taking into account that your W is a mental health professional, lol, but may be helpful 

See below:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/home-p...s-starting-hard-conversation-your-spouse.html


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Tell her how you *feel* about certain things, rather than trying to argue about what's right or wrong. It's hard to argue about how you feel. Be willing to be vulnerable - if something really hurts you then tell her it hurts you, not that it makes you angry or that it's wrong of her.

Repeat what she says to you back to her (paraphrase it, not word-for-word), so that she knows that you understood whatever she was saying.

If you have something really important to discuss, set up a time for it in advance, and let her know you have something serious to discuss with her.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

bluezone said:


> Hi OP,
> 
> I just noticed there is an article on this very topic on the home page of TAM. Now, they aren't taking into account that your W is a mental health professional, lol, but may be helpful


Thank you, I read that article. 




OliviaG said:


> Tell her how you *feel* about certain things, rather than trying to argue about what's right or wrong. It's hard to argue about how you feel. Be willing to be vulnerable - if something really hurts you then tell her it hurts you, not that it makes you angry or that it's wrong of her.
> 
> Repeat what she says to you back to her (paraphrase it, not word-for-word), so that she knows that you understood whatever she was saying.
> 
> If you have something really important to discuss, set up a time for it in advance, and let her know you have something serious to discuss with her.


I try to use these techniques, they definitely yield better results. I need to work on the reflection part to ensure I am "hearing" what she is saying.

We did have a decent talk the other evening (which I set up in advance). My big focuses were to express my frustration and loneliness in the marriage as well as to hear what some of her frustrations were to determine a direction forward. So, some positive results, some not so much. But we talked, which was a step in the right direction.

I have to admit having a counselor for a partner is tough. Due to the nature of their work, it can be super hard to read her non-verbals as she is so neutral.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

C3156 said:


> Thank you, I read that article.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Now that you've both got your frustrations on the table, you might want to set up another talk where you tell each other what, exactly, you need from the other. Don't talk in generalities such as "I need you to communicate better", but more like "I need you to call me on it right away if you feel I've said something dismissive to you". Another example: not helpful to say "I need our sex life to improve", but much more helpful to say "It would make me feel so much more loved and desired if you initiated sex regularly".

Some people are just harder to read than others and you are still in a young marriage so don't know each other as well as you will in another 10 years. I wouldn't get hung up on her profession; you may be psyching yourself out by thinking about her that way. She's just a human. Psychiatrists have no special powers, although some of them might think they do.


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