# Just when I think things are going super awesome between us



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Husband really has to ruin the evening...

I asked him about his day. He told me, he is trying to be transparent and open as possible and tells me that this girl he used to work with just say hi, pretty much that's it. That she started asking how he's doing etc and that he responded and there wasn't much more to the conversation.

Fine. I don't have to be happy about it because I don't...she's someone I know he USED to work with, he has admitted she's attractive and really what is the need for her to talk to him at all anymore? I feel like I don't like that vibe. I would never contact a guy I used to work with to just say hi unless I needed something like help or info etc. 

So husband gets angry at me because I said I'm not happy about it. I never said you can't talk to her, or you shouldn't have responded or anything. I just don't like the vibe I'm getting and I really don't have to. 

I also said I admit that if he had other friends, any friends, especially guy friends, this may not bother me as much but when you have NO other friends and only chit chat with certain girls once in awhile, I don't have to like it. 

He just keeps saying it's not his fault most of the people he works with are women. He didn't do anything wrong, he feels like he can't talk to anyone etc. 

FTR, I have guy friends but also other closer friends. I've been transparent with him all the time in the past, no problems. Husband had problem once when he didn't shut down a friendship I didn't like with a girl he worked with. He was still friends, nothing that crossed the line, but I didn't like it, he ended up lying to me--saying they weren't friends. Eventually I found out, was really upset, we went to MC and came out stronger. This was last year. Since then he's stopped talking to her and we have been much stronger since.


So now what? I'm pregnant, I really don't want to argue about this stuff. Did I make a mistake in saying how I felt about her saying hi to him? Should I just have kept my mouth shut? I am just sick of this, what does he not get? I don't like the vibe, and if he had other friends I wouldn't feel like this so much. I value our marriage and family first, anything that can jeapordize that is not worth it in my opinion.

What am I or he doing wrong? Why can't we move past this?


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> Husband really has to ruin the evening...
> 
> I asked him about his day. He told me, he is trying to be transparent and open as possible and tells me that this girl he used to work with just say hi, pretty much that's it. That she started asking how he's doing etc and that he responded and there wasn't much more to the conversation.
> 
> ...


Just my opinion from what you said. FYI Every time Mrs. Dong gets mad that I chatted with Dolly, it drives a big HoHo between us.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You are way over reacting! In doing that, you are forcing him to keep his mouth shut and NOT tell you next time. If you continue with this, you will eventually force him out the door.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

You state that your response to him was that you didn't like the vibe it was giving you. But I'm guessing it was conveyed in a manner that told him he did something wrong... No wonder he got defensive.

You tout yourself for always being transparent to your husband about your friendships/interactions. Then your husband is transparent with you and instead of thanking him, it sounds like you got upset with him....why?

Sure- it's uncomfortable...but your husband was approached by her. He cannot control a person's actions. Seems to me he kept the conversation short and cordial. AND he let you know of the interaction, yet he is still in the doghouse? 

Stop giving your insecurities so much life. Your husband did a bang-zoom job in taking care of the coupleshp with his honesty... I would be careful not to jeopardize that with such an unclean reaction.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Every time he comes to you being honest and forthcoming and it leads to a argument more and more he is going to shutdown. I have the same issue with my wife. She wants honesty and full transparency. I have been and she somehow turns things around and makes them about her. Makes me second guess what I am willing to talk to her about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Essentially this is what happened:

H: Oh X chatted with me online at work (there is an internal work chat for their organization--she works on the opposite coast).

Me: Oh, what did she say?

H: She just asked how I'm doing, I told her I'm good, kid1 is good, we're expecting a new baby this summer. That's pretty much it.

Me: Oh you didn't ask how she's doing or where she's working?

H: Umm, I don't think so. I know where she works, at XX.

Me: Oh ok, why is she talking to you now out of the blue?

H: I don't know, because we worked together before and were kinda friends? I don't know, she was just saying hi.

Me: Yeah but I would never contact a guy I used to work with unless I needed something and then would chat. Not just out of the blue. I don't like the vibe I'm getting.

H: What? I don't know she was just saying hi, I can't believe you're that annoyed about it, I feel like I can't talk to anyone, you get mad! 

Me: No, she is one person, not everyone. I'm annoyed that you have NO guy friends and the only few people you talk to at work are girls. Yes that annoys me, I don't have to like it. I APPRECIATE that you are telling me and that you're being open, honest, transparent, but I don't have to like HER actions.

H: Why are you getting so mad, I feel like I can't talk to anyone...it's not my fault the people I work with are mostly girls. There's nothing there, you really think I'd do something and leave you?

Me: No, but I know people don't intentionally seek out relationships most of the time, they just stumble upon them...I'm allowed to FEEL how I feel.

H: I can't believe you feel like this, it's just one person saying hi. That's it, maybe you feel differently but I don't think so. I don't think there's any more to it than her saying hi. 


Then some issues from the past were brought up, we both were kind of yelling. 

I read these posts late last night/this morning and apologized to him before work. I said I still felt the same way but I shouldn't have yelled at him and the way I said it wasn't delivered right...I'm not mad at him, I'm actually really happy he was honest but I don't have to like her actions. 

I admit I screwed up a bit. 

He apologized for yelling too and understands I feel how I feel. He said he IS sharing how he feels instead of just keeping it in. He said he'll continue to be open and honest with me.

I'm kind of mad at myself for not reacting the right way. I still don't like her contacting him but I shouldn't have reacted that way...now what?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why are you letting your insecurities ruin your marriage?

I don't know many people who could tolerate being so scrutinized and judged at each attempt to give what their partner asks for.

Next time, before you open up about your vibe, put some time into thinking about the validity of your vibe. Is it reasonable considering that situation or is your vibe prompted by your own insecurity? Then go apologize to your husband and promise to work on your propensity to rush to judgment prior to contemplation.

Edited after seeing your post above.
Good for you for taking responsibility for your own feelings!

You've said your piece to him, but now you have to deal with WHY you are so threatened by something so insignificant.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Why are you letting your insecurities ruin your marriage?
> 
> I don't know many people who could tolerate being so scrutinized and judged at each attempt to give what their partner asks for.
> 
> ...



I feel threatened because...well probably a few reasons. 

-Even though husband and I have been together for 10yrs, the boyfriend before him, early on in college, cheated on me. I had suspicions, I was told I was crazy...and found out I'm right.

-Husband looks a lot better physically than me, I've gained weight since being married (having our first kid and now currently pregnant). So I'm not happy with how I look right now.

-My dad left us when we were kids and we've been estranged for awhile. After awhile I stopped talking to him period because his behaviors were too hurtful. My brother also died within the past 8yrs so I feel like any male close to me has left my life somehow 

-Husband and I are different races, sometimes I feel like I will never be or look like what is considered 'beautiful' here...that is my own insecurity I guess. It's better now but it's not easy sometimes. I feel like being the minority I always have to compare myself, I don't know...it's not good to do this. 

That's maybe why I feel like this?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I have plenty of people with whom I worked in the past contact me... men and women, managers and subordinates. I became friends with a lot of them and some remain just past co-workers.

We all stay in touch simply because networking is the #1 way to get a job. We all know it and when a former co-worker contacts me, especially someone I wasn't friends with but just a co-worker, there's no reason for me not to say hi back and ask how things are going.

What should you do now? Admit that you over reacted and apologize. If you have already done that, move forward but learn from the experience.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> I feel threatened because...well probably a few reasons.
> 
> -Even though husband and I have been together for 10yrs, the boyfriend before him, early on in college, cheated on me. I had suspicions, I was told I was crazy...and found out I'm right.
> 
> ...


Those are absolutely valid reasons to feel the way you do, but getting past them is YOUR issue. Your husband may understand why you reacted the way you did, but it doesn't make it right. He shouldn't suffer because other people screwed you over.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Those are absolutely valid reasons to feel the way you do, but getting past them is YOUR issue. Your husband may understand why you reacted the way you did, but it doesn't make it right. He shouldn't suffer because other people screwed you over.



Yep, you are right.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

Yellowstar-

Your feelings make sense. I too would feel uncomfortable if my husband described that situation to me. 

What I read here is that it went beyond you expressing your uncomfortableness to interrogating your husband on this other woman's intentions. Now he feels on the defensive, having to give an explanation. 

Only admist the questioning did you offer appreciation (I almost didn't catch it when I was reading your post).

Then you you bring in that you're uncomfortable with him interacting with every woman he works with. For him, the situation just got more unmanageable. 

So an argument ensues. He's feeling like he needs to defend his actions (albeit innocent at this point) and you're not getting heard. You were both walking wounded at this point. 

Try starting over. I would start with thanking him for describing the interaction. Tell him that, yes, it does feel uncomfortable that he is being contacted out of the blue. Then you need to tell him what would be more clean next time...

My husband and I have had very similar situations where we need to agree on how to enforce a boundary.

For example:
I was playing recreational co-ed volleyball (my husband could not join me). One of the guys in the group would send me a friendly 'nice to see you' email after an event.
I told my husband....he was not happy about it...he told me he didn't like that there is any ambiguity present in my interaction with a person of the opposite sex (noting the ambiguity seemed implied by the other guy thinking it's okay to chat up with me outside of the event).
WE decided to see if it was a one-time thing...
well, this gentleman did the same thing after the next event (note: he was completely aware that I was married from the start).

My next step was to send him an email stating that out of respect for my marriage, I choose not to have side email conversations with single men...

The gentleman had the integrity to thank me (and my husband). He apologized for any untoward actions on his part, but was happy I said something. 


This situation sounds like a great opportunity for you and your husband to discuss what boundaries work for both of you in regard to interactions with members of the opposite sex. Keep in mind, who you are taking care of...

I made the mistake in earlier situations where I was afraid to offend the other person...Then my husband asked my kindly, whose feelings are more important? This other guy or male coworker, etc or the feeling so of my husband...

With coworkers, the interactions will not be able to end altogether. But there still can be clean boundaries in place (i.e., no one-on-one lunches, avoiding even one-on-one meetings, if possible).

Just my two cents.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> I feel threatened because...well probably a few reasons.
> 
> -Even though husband and I have been together for 10yrs, the boyfriend before him, early on in college, cheated on me. I had suspicions, I was told I was crazy...and found out I'm right.
> 
> ...


None of these reasons have anything to do with your husband or his behavior. It seems unfair for you to take your issues out on your husband. And it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy: keep pushing him away and you might succeed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Awe girlfriend bring it in here for a hug!!!!



yellowstar said:


> I feel threatened because...well probably a few reasons.
> 
> -Even though husband and I have been together for 10yrs, the boyfriend before him, early on in college, cheated on me. I had suspicions, I was told I was crazy...and found out I'm right.


Okay, realizing that you doubted BF's authenticity, were denied confirmation, then discovered you were right all along. Vindication is good, but you've taken it a bit too far and are now giving in to every blip on your radar, learn to identify which blips need a second look and which blips don't.




yellowstar said:


> -Husband looks a lot better physically than me, I've gained weight since being married (having our first kid and now currently pregnant). So I'm not happy with how I look right now.


I get this! But I think there are TONS (excuse the double meaning) of pregnant women who feel unattractive. Loosing the baby weight takes a LOT more time than people realize. Are there things your husband could do or say to help you feel his love more frequently than you feel your own critical assessment of yourself? Are you negating his attempts? 



yellowstar said:


> -My dad left us when we were kids and we've been estranged for awhile. After awhile I stopped talking to him period because his behaviors were too hurtful. My brother also died within the past 8yrs so I feel like any male close to me has left my life somehow


This is the crux. Your Dad ditched you and made you feel unloved and unworthy of love. You doubt love in general and you doubt your H's love. Are you really going to let your Dad's pathetic behavior ruin your life? This is something you need to explore further with your own therapist.



yellowstar said:


> -Husband and I are different races, sometimes I feel like I will never be or look like what is considered 'beautiful' here...that is my own insecurity I guess. It's better now but it's not easy sometimes. I feel like being the minority I always have to compare myself, I don't know...it's not good to do this.
> 
> That's maybe why I feel like this?


This is just a symptom of your inability to accept love. Spend time identifying all the ways you are able to feel loved by someone, anyone. I bet your list will be pretty short. 

Take these issues to MC and IC. You've got some work to do but you will come out so much stronger and so much happier!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm the 100% Transparency woman on this forum (see my thread below







).....the ending of your last post was a step in the right direction here... TRUST ME.... so long as YOU make issues out of how other women approach him...he will *stop* being so forthcoming with you..... No man wants to be put in the dog house every time he opens his mouth.









I would NEVER want that in a marriage...it is a destroyer of open communication... I LOVE to hear all the gossip, all the juicy...his interactions with anyone... he tells me the messages he gets on FB, I tell him mine...if he runs into someone, if I do, it all gets taken back to each other... I love that! There is no threat... TO know your spouses







, feel secure in this... it's a beautiful thing... You don't have to put them on a leash and demand compliancy -that he ignores everyone who speaks to him...in order to honor you. 

I must ask.. .what happened to you in the past?? That makes you so very suspicious... has HE betrayed you , has he lied to you? was it a former BF, or you just know a ton of wayward woman who like to inch their way into others marriages? I am not denying that EA's happen...of course they do... 

BUT...we will never be able to STOP another's approaching our loved ones...in a work environment, even out & about... this is FUTILE....a waste of energy, stressing... 

If you feel another has crossed a line (In this case - NOT!)... then sure... open that up - talk about it -how he will respond the next time...but to destroy this openness even when nothing was a threat... you might as well cut off your own foot here.

I feel you need to concentrate MORE SO on what you bring to your marriage, the JOY your man has when he walks through that door every day... .being that calm confident listener of his day...happy that he cares enough to share EVERYTHING with his wife....being able to :rofl: & enjoy his stories...feeling SECURE in his love to you.... or is something LACKING at home? 

This trumps his temptation to go looking elsewhere for what he can't share at home..... *His bringing you this "Willing" Transparency... is a GIFT to any marriage*.....We need to learn to be "approachable", work out those things that are causing us wrong thinking..... our men don't want to walk on egg shells with us.. this will only lead them to NOT want to come home, to hang with the guys more, or ....open up to another woman ! 

Be that woman for your man. 

Please take a moment and read my opening Post -explaining all of this ....


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

Ever hear of networking? Ever hear of LinkedIn? 

If you want financial security in your life, you had better come to grips with how business works. 

I touch base with Dolly and Debbie all the time. Queen Dong understands.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> I feel threatened because...well probably a few reasons.
> 
> -Even though husband and I have been together for 10yrs, the boyfriend before him, early on in college, cheated on me. I had suspicions, I was told I was crazy...and found out I'm right.


Has nothing to do with your husband or your marriage.



yellowstar said:


> -Husband looks a lot better physically than me, I've gained weight since being married (having our first kid and now currently pregnant). So I'm not happy with how I look right now.


Your husband gets the third degree becuase you feel fat? NICE!!!!



yellowstar said:


> -My dad left us when we were kids and we've been estranged for awhile. After awhile I stopped talking to him period because his behaviors were too hurtful. My brother also died within the past 8yrs so I feel like any male close to me has left my life somehow


And you sure seem to want to prove this theory!




yellowstar said:


> -Husband and I are different races, sometimes I feel like I will never be or look like what is considered 'beautiful' here...that is my own insecurity I guess. It's better now but it's not easy sometimes. I feel like being the minority I always have to compare myself, I don't know...it's not good to do this.
> 
> That's maybe why I feel like this?


Quite honestly, you should get some counseling.

You are taking the lowest form of the way you observe men or society to act, and assigning all of those thoughts and feelings to your husband, and then whacking him about thoughts and feelings he does not even have.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm the 100% Transparency woman on this forum (see my thread below
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks for this. I'm going to look at the link...

I think 90% of the time I do feel like the woman I want to be, but I slip up. I don't know why but I have to be better.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Has nothing to do with your husband or your marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know you're being blunt and kind of throwing it back in my face but I wouldn't be so open and admit this if it A) wasn't true and B) easier than it sounds. How about giving me some credit for realizing what I did was wrong, apologizing, then coming on here to talk it out and figure out where I can fix my part?

Anyways, I don't know if this makes a difference (or if people missed it in my OP), last year he was friendly with a female co-worker. After lots of 'discussions' and arguments he said he's not going to talk to her. Well he did, for a year and lied to me about it.

When I found out I was SO upset, not because he did but because he lied about it. So then we went to MC and came up with a list of boundaries.

On that list of what was no ok was 'IM/chatting' with opposite sex friends

So I understand he didn't contact her, she just said hi. So it's not exactly that, but this isn't a NEW issue for us.

But I get what you're all saying, it's really MY problem and not his. I need to work on me and change.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sorry to be blunt.

You are justifing the feelings you have by bringing in alot of marriage harming rationalizations. I was just trying to point this out.

.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Sorry to be blunt.
> 
> You are justifing the feelings you have by bringing in alot of marriage harming rationalizations. I was just trying to point this out.
> 
> .



No I do appreciate it, this is why I posted it. I'd rather hear what people really think of this, I didn't realize how badly I still need to work on this. It's actually gotten better but this made me realize I still have a ways to go.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> I know you're being blunt and kind of throwing it back in my face but I wouldn't be so open and admit this if it A) wasn't true and B) easier than it sounds. How about giving me some credit for realizing what I did was wrong, apologizing, then coming on here to talk it out and figure out where I can fix my part?
> 
> Anyways, I don't know if this makes a difference (or if people missed it in my OP), last year he was friendly with a female co-worker. After lots of 'discussions' and arguments he said he's not going to talk to her. Well he did, for a year and lied to me about it.
> 
> ...


One thing you're running into with your husband is that he's giving up fighting. He's turning to the mentality that little white lies/omissions about situations that are going to cause stress and fighting FOR NO REASON (remember, look at this from HIS perspective for a minute, he knows there's no issue here in his mind) is okay. You don't want this.

But YOU are causing it. MC is great BUT MC is only truly worthwhile after IC. Yellow, you seem to truly love your husband and honestly he seems to love you because he's still TRYING to be transparent with you and open with you even though you put him through a lot of grief. I guarantee you that if a random woman just says HI to him, he's gripped with anxiety because he doesn't know (or he does know which is worse) how you're going to react. He goes into this big thing in his head about "should he tell you, what should he tell you, how should he tell you". Living that way SUCKS for any man, but he's doing it because he loves you and wants to be married to you.

Your insecurities that you mentioned, and MANY MANY accolades for recognizing them, NEED to be dealt with in IC. Getting past your insecurities will do AMAZING things for your marriage. What I'd recommend is find a good IC and work on you. Also talk to your husband about it, talk about how you don't like how you react to issues and how you truly appreciate his openness and how you never want to lose that so this is what you're doing. Express why you feel you react the way you do. Turn it into something where he sympathizes with your issues instead of dreads them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Pregnancy makes most women feel unbalanced. But you really do need to work on you. Your husband chose you for a reason. Just remember that.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> One thing you're running into with your husband is that he's giving up fighting. He's turning to the mentality that little white lies/omissions about situations that are going to cause stress and fighting FOR NO REASON (remember, look at this from HIS perspective for a minute, he knows there's no issue here in his mind) is okay. You don't want this.
> 
> But YOU are causing it. MC is great BUT MC is only truly worthwhile after IC. Yellow, you seem to truly love your husband and honestly he seems to love you because he's still TRYING to be transparent with you and open with you even though you put him through a lot of grief. I guarantee you that if a random woman just says HI to him, he's gripped with anxiety because he doesn't know (or he does know which is worse) how you're going to react. He goes into this big thing in his head about "should he tell you, what should he tell you, how should he tell you". Living that way SUCKS for any man, but he's doing it because he loves you and wants to be married to you.
> 
> Your insecurities that you mentioned, and MANY MANY accolades for recognizing them, NEED to be dealt with in IC. Getting past your insecurities will do AMAZING things for your marriage. What I'd recommend is find a good IC and work on you. Also talk to your husband about it, talk about how you don't like how you react to issues and how you truly appreciate his openness and how you never want to lose that so this is what you're doing. Express why you feel you react the way you do. Turn it into something where he sympathizes with your issues instead of dreads them.



This is spot on. I need to hear this...

This issue has been long going, I need to further look into my own problems before I RUIN a good thing. And it really is a good thing.

Thank you, I'm going to look into IC about my own issues. I hope I can find someone who is helpful, there are some I've been to in the past that have been just 'ok'.

THANK YOU.


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

Regarding the event last year. He was wrong to say he would not talk to her and agreeing to your demand. He cannot go around the office giving people the silent treatment. Career suicide. He knows that and I suspect that is why he lied about the continued contact.

Maybe he crossed the line with the other woman a year ago. A better resolution may have been for him to pull back a little and focus on his job. Unless this was a true EA going No Contact is way overkill. Queen Dong has crossed the line with personal relationships at work in the past. I objected and she pulled back and kept it on a more professional level. No discussing our relationship, no one on one planning meetings outside the office, no alcohol etc.

I hear lots of good things from you today. Keep it up.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Weren't you the one complaining a short while ago because you couldn't get your husband to open up or talk about what was going on with him?? And when he does that's your reaction??


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Weren't you the one complaining a short while ago because you couldn't get your husband to open up or talk about what was going on with him?? And when he does that's your reaction??



Yes, if you read through the rest of these posts you can see I apologized and I have some work to do on MY part.

Just to update a little, I talked to husband on phone and apologized again. I acknowledged that I am contributing to this by my own insecurities and while I'm not thrilled to go get help, I will because I NEED to fix them for us to be stronger. 

Thank you all for your support/advice. I am very lucky because he understands and said we're both not perfect and as long as we both are trying to work on things for ourselves, we will get stronger. He is such a good guy  I told him I don't want to ruin a good thing, and I'll do whatever it takes so we're both happy. He is very understanding.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm the 100% Transparency woman on this forum (see my thread below
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sorry to go off topic but...

SimplyAmorus, I love your posts! I love how alive you make them with all the graphics and colors. You are a true Posting Artist!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Yes, if you read through the rest of these posts you can see I apologized and I have some work to do on MY part.
> 
> Just to update a little, I talked to husband on phone and apologized again. I acknowledged that I am contributing to this by my own insecurities and while I'm not thrilled to go get help, I will because I NEED to fix them for us to be stronger.
> 
> Thank you all for your support/advice. I am very lucky because he understands and said we're both not perfect and as long as we both are trying to work on things for ourselves, we will get stronger. He is such a good guy  I told him I don't want to ruin a good thing, and I'll do whatever it takes so we're both happy. He is very understanding.


Awesome Yellowstar. You're doing and handling this the way you need to. I guarantee your husband got off that call feeling both loved and also that he should continue to remain open with you. Your instant reaction wasn't great, but it has brought about a much better result, and he sees this, I guarantee.

Nice work.


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