# Mismatched Sex Drives



## Lucy79 (Dec 29, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for nearly eight years, and have two small children. We have a great relationship, one built on empathy, mutual understanding and love. Apart from sex, that is.

Our sex drives have always been mismatched, as I think is usual with heterosexual couples, his has always been a lot stronger than mine. However, I used to enjoy sex much more, and typically we'd make love around five times a week - though even then that wasn't enough for dear hubby!

Since giving birth twice, and miscarrying inbetween, my sex drive has waned, to the point where I am rarely sexually aroused and doing the deed has become a chore. In fact I find it almost repulsive.

My husband begged me for sex constantly, and eventually we came to an agreement, whereby we have sex three times a week - Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights. Obviously, this has taken the spontaneity and romance out of the act, however it has also taken much of the pressure off me. 

My husband at first ridiculed the suggestion, but has come around to the idea as it guarantees him some action. For me it usually means lying back and thinking of England.

Do you think this is a poor compromise? Or is it a sensible solution?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lucy79 said:


> Do you think this is a poor compromise? Or is it a sensible solution?


It's a decent compromise in the short term. In the long term, you need to stop finding sex repulsive and start finding it enjoyable.

Buy your husband the Married Man Sex Life Primer from Married Man Sex Life to get him some great information on what he can do to better meet your needs in order to make you more open to sex with him.

But you also need to look at yourself. Why are you repulsed by sex with your husband? Is he overweight? Does he have poor hygiene? Do you just want him to stop asking and sweep you off your feet (but not every night)?

Scheduling sex is a fine stopgap measure until you can each change your attitudes and approaches toward sex.

Good luck.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think that it's an okay solution as a temporary stop-gap to help keep things going. But, whatever the underlying issue(s) is will need to be addressed at some point.

How old are your children? Are some of them still babies? If so, are you breastfeeding? Breastfeeding and post-partum hormonal changes can depress libido.

What kind of birth control are you using? Hormonal birth control can depress libido.

Are you on any kind of medication, as certain meds can depress libido.

Do you have time on your own to re-charge - away from the kids and away from the hubby? Sometimes, having time to work on your own hobbies or even work out - like taking a walk - can be of great benefit to helping you feel more alive and revved up.

And, what do you two do to 'get in the mood'? Is there flirting, non-sexual touching, conversation going on during the day?

Best wishes.


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## Lucy79 (Dec 29, 2011)

Thanks for your replies. My husband knows, or rather knew, how to satisfy me. After the miscarriage I was quite sad, and this is when I first became repulsed by the idea of sex. However, after a while I resumed having intercourse for my husband's sake and quickly fell pregnant.

I used the pregnancy and subsequent lactation as an excuse to avoid sex for a while. But my husband was literally counting the days until my GP gave me the go ahead to start having sex again. That was nearly two years ago.

My husband's personal hygiene habits are fine. He's ex-army and an amatuer boxer, too, and in good shape. There's nothing unattractive about him, and I do love him.

Some of my friends with small chidlren said they're lucky if they have sex twice a week, and that I shouldn't feel pressured and certainly not obligated. But I appreciate my hubby loves sex, he describes it as a 'need', in fact, and don't want to deprive him. He's a man's man and full of testosterone. If we're alone, he makes his desires towrds me known - intentionally or not, it doesn't take a lot for him to get an erection and he usually does whenever we have a kiss or a cuddle when alone.

As for me, I go to yoga twice a week and use my husband's rowing machine. I have shed all the excess weight I gained and hubby says I look better than ever.


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## some_guy (Dec 29, 2011)

Lucy79 said:


> My husband at first ridiculed the suggestion, but has come around to the idea as it guarantees him some action. For me it usually means lying back and thinking of England.


If that were the compromise MY wife would make I would be thrilled! We haven't had sex in a year and before that it is once in a blue-moon. So your compromise would be great in my eyes. My only concern is your comment about "lying on your back..." If that means you become an uninvolved or uninterested participant, the sex will get old for both of you quickly. Nothing worse than mercy sex with no or little emotion coming from the other side.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Lucy79 said:


> Thanks for your replies. My husband knows, or rather knew, how to satisfy me. After the miscarriage I was quite sad, and this is when I first became repulsed by the idea of sex. However, after a while I resumed having intercourse for my husband's sake and quickly fell pregnant.
> 
> I used the pregnancy and subsequent lactation as an excuse to avoid sex for a while. But my husband was literally counting the days until my GP gave me the go ahead to start having sex again. That was nearly two years ago.
> 
> ...


The inference I draw is that you are just simply common or garden not bothered about sex. To you, sex is like golf to a non-player of golf: simply something you are not bothered if you don't do? Or worse that that?

There are (essentially) two choices here:

You work out why and do something about it, by reference to books / your doctor / whatever;

or

You tell your husband and let him decide if staying in a marriage without any kind of meaningful sex is acceptable to him.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Lucy79 said:


> My husband and I have been married for nearly eight years, and have two small children. We have a great relationship, one built on empathy, mutual understanding and love. Apart from sex, that is.
> 
> Our sex drives have always been mismatched, as I think is usual with heterosexual couples, his has always been a lot stronger than mine. However, I used to enjoy sex much more, and typically we'd make love around five times a week - though even then that wasn't enough for dear hubby!
> 
> ...


Temporary solution. It is very admirable of you though to make such a sacrifice for him - shows how much you love him. That being said, I could not help and be insulted though by it. It would be difficult for me to accept that my wife is repulsed to have sex with me and find it a chore. However, you have two small children and can appreciate that being a mother of young ones doesn't exactly do wonders for the libido. 
I wonder if actually backing away from sex for a time might do some work. If its something that you have to do (3x a week is ALOT for someone in your position, and would happily cut of a finger for that amount myself) - I can see how you come to resent it. Perhaps if you let it be something more of your choosing and convenience and less of a scheduled event, it help. Just throwing some ideas out there.


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## Lucy79 (Dec 29, 2011)

some_guy said:


> If that were the compromise MY wife would make I would be thrilled! We haven't had sex in a year and before that it is once in a blue-moon. So your compromise would be great in my eyes. My only concern is your comment about "lying on your back..." If that means you become an uninvolved or uninterested participant, the sex will get old for both of you quickly. Nothing worse than mercy sex with no or little emotion coming from the other side.





Sawney Beane said:


> The inference I draw is that you are just simply common or garden not bothered about sex. To you, sex is like golf to a non-player of golf: simply something you are not bothered if you don't do? Or worse that that?
> 
> There are (essentially) two choices here:
> 
> ...


Interesting. I don't actually just lie there, that's a figure of speech. In fact, on the contrary, I like to tease my husband a bit before, as then he doesn't last as long. Besides, he doesn't like going a day without sex, and is already frustrated and aroused as it is.

The fact that we've scheduled sex, would surely imply that he's aware of the situation?


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## some_guy (Dec 29, 2011)

Lucy79 said:


> I like to tease my husband a bit before, as then he doesn't last as long. Besides, he doesn't like going a day without sex, and is already frustrated and aroused as it is.


Personally I don't think the arrangement will last long. When my wife would have mercy-sex with me, her attitude would show through and sometimes she would even come out and say "let's just get this over with." That would end it for me. I just stopped asking for it and have been dealing with rejection now for years and has ruined the marriage. If it weren't for kids the marriage would be over. You would be better off trying to get your sex drive back somehow; otherwise I think your attitude toward sex will become an area of resentment for your DH and the marriage will suffer.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lucy,
Purchase "married man sex life" by Athol Kay. Give it to your H and tell him to read it. 

In the meantime, if you aren't exercising/eating well you might want to ramp that up as it helps. 




Lucy79 said:


> Interesting. I don't actually just lie there, that's a figure of speech. In fact, on the contrary, I like to tease my husband a bit before, as then he doesn't last as long. Besides, he doesn't like going a day without sex, and is already frustrated and aroused as it is.
> 
> The fact that we've scheduled sex, would surely imply that he's aware of the situation?


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## ouixch (Jan 4, 2012)

My wife and I have a similar arrangement for the same reason. Ours is two nights a week, she chooses one and I choose one....and we get to do whatever we want. If I want a bj, she does it without complaining. The agreement is more for me than her, she doesn't really need a day since I'll pretty much do whatever she's into. 

I will say that in the short term, this has worked very well. Twice a week is enough to keep us from fighting, as is the ability for me to get the variety I want. This has been going on for about five months, and I do have my doubts about the long term. Sex isn't an issue that can be left on the back burner for too long, at least not with me. I won't pretend that I know the solution, but at least it has bought some time.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sex three times a week? Heck, with my husband I'm lucky if it's 3 time/month!

With us it's the opposite. I want the sex and he wants no part of it. Pretty sad. At least you're trying to make him happy. I just get "Stop pressuring me."


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