# Teenage tantrums! How to handle an AGGRESSIVE boy/girl?



## bertharupert

Hi,
Once your child hits teens, then it is a sign that you be patient and calm? It is annoying and painful to handle their tantrums.
How best can you deal with them? They hardly listen to you and wish to do whatever they feel like. Grown up behavior and attitude is a perk for teens.
Looking for suggestions and ways to make them obedient?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Hard labor chores. Pulling weeds, mowing, cleaning garage, picking up rocks.

This is what worked for our teen, plus lectures she didn't want to hear. We made her repeat what we talked about to make sure she was listening.

It never did get any easier. At 18 they think they are adults, but do not understand there are rules that apply when living under someone else's home. Actually, this started at 17 with us when she thought we should treat her as an adult. It's such a relief once they graduate, but it still doesn't get any easier. They can't get a job and move out, college is so important these days.

My husband and I have a lot of rules in the home. When they turn 18, the rules stay the same.


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## Memento

How about when the teen does not want to do anything but play vide ogames, computer and watch tv? What to do about his sense of self entitlement?

We have rules too, but he chooses not to obey many of them. The same with chores.


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## unbelievable

Get their attention when they're 3 and you don't have to deal with as much foolishness when they are teens. They should know how the land lays long before they hit 14.


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## golfergirl

unbelievable said:


> Get their attention when they're 3 and you don't have to deal with as much foolishness when they are teens. They should know how the land lays long before they hit 14.


It's hard to explain. The chores are big. Team work. Family works and plays as a team. Play hard together too. It's not about things, it's about time. It's an attitude - while I'm not your friend, you can tell me anything. Communicate, communicate, and communicate more. Working for their wants - no sense of entitlement. While firm rules but a little flex. If curfew is 11 but kids are at friends and watching movies and want to come home at 12 - if presented in advance, up front, consider letting up once in awhile. And when all said is done - it's a crap shoot. You can do everything right and your kid rebels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

We take everything away. We put a password on the computer as well. The games get locked up. I have a combo lock cabinet.:/ They stay in my possession until I say so. 

If my daughter chose not to obey, the chores would increase. She got the picture. We don't allow tv's or electronics in bedrooms.


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## Memento

Honestly, I think it has to do with the way parents raise their children. Most of them rewards children even when they do not achieve what it is expected. They don't put the extra effort, because quite honestly they don't have to. Most children have video games, tv, computer, etc. and they believe that it is a right that they have. It is not. They only rights children have are being loved, raised properly, food, clothes, having a home, go to school, medical assistance (when needed) and security. All the rest, are perks and they should work for them. It will ultimately teach them to be responsible and to have goals and work for them.

Also, I notice that many times there is an absence of rules or they are not reinforced.


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## Memento

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> We take everything away. We put a password on the computer as well. The games get locked up. I have a combo lock cabinet.:/ They stay in my possession until I say so.
> 
> If my daughter chose not to obey, the chores would increase. She got the picture.


I have done that with no results. I honestly dont know what to do.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

We do let them have a pen and paper. They can write, draw, ect... Sometimes we have them write their feelings, what they think is fair, ect... We also have them write down what are they going to do to change their attitude and a list of goals they want to achieve. She posted those goals on her wall afterwards by choice.

We encourage them to write stories as well since everything is taken away or reading books.


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## golfergirl

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> We take everything away. We put a password on the computer as well. The games get locked up. I have a combo lock cabinet.:/ They stay in my possession until I say so.
> 
> If my daughter chose not to obey, the chores would increase. She got the picture. We don't allow tv's or electronics in bedrooms.


I have seen good kids hook up with bad boyfriends and rebel (run away) under that style. My friend was 14 and her parents came down too hard. She became a run-away the day she turned 16. She lived with her boyfriend and his family. She never had a relationship with parents until 12 years later. She was a good kid. A hard-working farm girl. It got to the point where she had everything taken away and under such control she had nothing to lose by leaving. She's a mom today and while they work hard, she doesn't come down with no choices so her kids feel there is nothing to lose by leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> We take everything away. We put a password on the computer as well. The games get locked up. I have a combo lock cabinet.:/ They stay in my possession until I say so.
> 
> If my daughter chose not to obey, the chores would increase. She got the picture. We don't allow tv's or electronics in bedrooms.


I have seen a good kid hook up with a bad boyfriend and rebel (run away) under that style. My friend was 14 and her parents came down too hard. She became a run-away the day she turned 16. She lived with her boyfriend and his family. She never had a relationship with parents until 12 years later. She was a good kid. A hard-working farm girl. It got to the point where she had everything taken away and under such control she had nothing to lose by leaving. She's a mom today and while they work hard, she doesn't come down with no choices so her kids feel there is nothing to lose by leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Memento said:


> I have done that with no results. I honestly dont know what to do.


Yikes! I hope someone can come in and help. My daughter always had more respect for my husband then I. She still listens to him over me and was not an easy child to raise. Many times I had to have him speak to her directly and interrupt his workday. I have another child entering the teens, but she's not defiant at all. It's night and day.

We started the chore punishment at a young age, so this may have made a difference.


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## Memento

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Yikes! I hope someone can come in and help. My daughter always had more respect for my husband then I. She still listens to him over me and was not an easy child to raise. Many times I had to have him speak to her directly and interrupt his workday. I have another child entering the teens, but she's not defiant at all. It's night and day.
> 
> We started the chore punishment at a young age, so this may have made a difference.


My husband adopted this boy when he was 6 months old. His mother was a crack addict and a prostitute. As a consequence of the lifestyle she was having when she was pregnant, my stepson has ADHD and a sightly lower than average IQ. Because of his difficult background, my husband tends to be too permissive and dismisses important issues. I tend to be different. I think that his family background and his rough start are not reasons to let him be disrespectful and ungrateful to his dad. Quite the opposite.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

golfergirl said:


> I have seen a good kid hook up with a bad boyfriend and rebel (run away) under that style. My friend was 14 and her parents came down too hard. She became a run-away the day she turned 16. She lived with her boyfriend and his family. She never had a relationship with parents until 12 years later. She was a good kid. A hard-working farm girl. It got to the point where she had everything taken away and under such control she had nothing to lose by leaving. She's a mom today and while they work hard, she doesn't come down with no choices so her kids feel there is nothing to lose by leaving.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Everybody has their own parenting styles. We chose chores and taking away luxuries instead of yelling. We discipline when necessary. We are not monsters. My daughter always had the option to live with her father if she thought it was so bad here, she did choose to stay.

We like to live in a peaceful home with no one yelling. We work hard ourselves. We have rules within our home. I'm not about to let any children run my life. I will listen to them and hear what they have to say and I value their opinion. Every situation is different as every child is different.

My children can stay as long as they want rent free, but we do encourage college or to come up with a plan.


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## golfergirl

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Everybody has their own parenting styles. We chose chores and taking away luxuries instead of yelling. We discipline when necessary. We are not monsters. My daughter always had the option to live with her father if she thought it was so bad here, she did choose to stay.
> 
> We like to live in a peaceful home with no one yelling. We work hard ourselves. We have rules within our home. I'm not about to let any children run my life. I will listen to them and hear what they have to say and I value their opinion. Every situation is different as every child is different.
> 
> My children can stay as long as they want rent free, but we do encourage college or to come up with a plan.


No yelling here either. I guess we work more on self-discipline that dictating. Chores aren't punishment, it's what we all need to pitch in to keep house running and free time for all. Computer and video games are self-regulated and have never been abused where it needed to be locked away or passworded. Maybe we're talking different ages but my son will be in his own in 9 months and if he doesn't know to study, eat and clean before kicking back with computer or video game, college will be a rude awakening. No rent free either. If you're going to school then by all means, but if you aren't you should be working and contributing financially to the household. I'll save it for you and you get it when you move out, but budgeting rent is also a great tool for the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Memento said:


> My husband adopted this boy when he was 6 months old. His mother was a crack addict and a prostitute. As a consequence of the lifestyle she was having when she was pregnant, my stepson has ADHD and a sightly lower than average IQ. Because of his difficult background, my husband tends to be too permissive and dismisses important issues. I tend to be different. I think that his family background and his rough start are not reasons to let him be disrespectful and ungrateful to his dad. Quite the opposite.


I often wonder if babies are greatly effected by the drug use of their mothers. I have adopted cousins that came from a family like this which my aunt and uncle raised and adopted all 3 siblings. My cousins were very hard to handle and now get into trouble with the law.

Both my husband and I always have been on the same page with just about everything including structure, rewards and discipline. This really makes life easier. We also brought our daughter to therapy and see if this would help. It didn't help us or her as she refused to talk to the therapists. Incentives worked with us too.


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## Memento

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I often wonder if babies are greatly effected by the drug use of their mothers. I have adopted cousins that came from a family like this which my aunt and uncle raised and adopted all 3 siblings. My cousins were very hard to handle and now get into trouble with the law.
> 
> Both my husband and I always have been on the same page with just about everything including structure, rewards and discipline. This really makes life easier. We also brought our daughter to therapy and see if this would help. It didn't help us or her as she refused to talk to the therapists. Incentives worked with us too.


I believe it effects them and it has lasting negative consequences. His older brother is currently in jail.
I just got to a point I resent him... I feel guilty for it, but I do.


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## Hope1964

Another here who doesn't believe in laying down the law too hard, especially to teens. Of course, the foundation has to be set starting young. Treating your kids like people and not like subjects, letting them make their own choices, guiding them but not dictating to them. Letting them experience natural consequences. Being there for them when they make mistakes.

My parents also took the heavy handed approach with me. I left home - ran away - at 16.

Maybe I was just lucky - my kids (who are now 23, 21 and almost 19) never became overly aggressive towards me. We're all quite close. I guess if the aggression goes too far you may have to get the authorities involved. Do you feel physically threatened? Or just massively frustrated?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

When you have a child that steals your money(and siblings money), uses your credit cards online without permission, drinks alcohol, sneaks out, having unprotected sex, lies, uses the computer(their personal laptop) or texting until 2-3am school nights then falls asleep at school, skips classes, curses at you and telling you to F off, calling you a B or A, leaves all day and night without explanation before 18, ect... You'll change your mind. A locked cabinet really came in handy when needed, so did the password. Giving a child a chance to self discipline under these circumstances is literally impossible, even with a lot of therapy to sort it all out.

I'm not a dictator, but I expect to be respected especially in my home. I'm not going to let an unruly child run my home. I have rules and I stick by them.

My child was an honor student that lettered in 3 subjects. We taught her that education, career, and social skills with respect are important. It's up to her now to use these skills. She is on her own now. My other children never has had any issues with getting into trouble. It really depends on the particular child. Each and every one has their own personality.


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## Hope1964

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> When you have a child that steals your money(and siblings money), uses your credit cards online without permission, drinks alcohol, sneaks out, having unprotected sex, lies, uses the computer(their personal laptop) or texting until 2-3am school nights then falls asleep at school, skips classes, curses at you and telling you to F off, calling you a B or A, leaves all day and night without explanation before 18, ect... You'll change your mind. A locked cabinet really came in handy when needed, so did the password. Giving a child a chance to self discipline under these circumstances is literally impossible, even with a lot of therapy to sort it all out.


See, I don't agree at all. Stealing money or using my credit card, yeah (that never happened to me), but skipping school, staying up all night, drinking, unprotected sex, cursing....those things have perfect opportunities for natural consequences. It's a totally different philosophy I guess.

Here's an example. My one son, when he was 14, went out with a friend. He had his cell with him, paid for by me. The one rule I had with the phones was that, since I paid for them, I expected them to answer me whenever I called or texted. Anyway, this particular night, when I figured he should have been on his way home, I called - no answer. Waited a bit called again - no answer. It got later and later and he never answered. I finally dozed off and woke up around 3 am, called, STILL no answer. So I got into the car and drove to his friends house and banged on the door and woke up his parents. They let me in and I woke my son up and had a chat with him, thanked his friends parents, and left.

After that, my son ALWAYS answered his phone. ALWAYS. He did not ever want me to show up like that ever again at a friends house in the middle of the night. There was no other consequence required.


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## golfergirl

Hope1964 said:


> See, I don't agree at all. Stealing money or using my credit card, yeah (that never happened to me), but skipping school, staying up all night, drinking, unprotected sex, cursing....those things have perfect opportunities for natural consequences. It's a totally different philosophy I guess.
> 
> Here's an example. My one son, when he was 14, went out with a friend. He had his cell with him, paid for by me. The one rule I had with the phones was that, since I paid for them, I expected them to answer me whenever I called or texted. Anyway, this particular night, when I figured he should have been on his way home, I called - no answer. Waited a bit called again - no answer. It got later and later and he never answered. I finally dozed off and woke up around 3 am, called, STILL no answer. So I got into the car and drove to his friends house and banged on the door and woke up his parents. They let me in and I woke my son up and had a chat with him, thanked his friends parents, and left.
> 
> After that, my son ALWAYS answered his phone. ALWAYS. He did not ever want me to show up like that ever again at a friends house in the middle of the night. There was no other consequence required.


Very similar style. But I'm talking about regular team things - not stealing or drugs or violence. That's why I call it a crap shoot. I've seen kids turn out disrespectful and criminal and violent with good strict parents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bertharupert

Memento said:


> My husband adopted this boy when he was 6 months old. His mother was a crack addict and a prostitute. As a consequence of the lifestyle she was having when she was pregnant, my stepson has ADHD and a sightly lower than average IQ. Because of his difficult background, my husband tends to be too permissive and dismisses important issues. I tend to be different. I think that his family background and his rough start are not reasons to let him be disrespectful and ungrateful to his dad. Quite the opposite.


So it really depends on the genes or parenting. Very hard to hit at one solution too.


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## bertharupert

Just found an interesting article that talks of cool ways to tackle these teenagers. Hope it will help many parents too.
Top 5 Tips For Dealing With Teenagers | The Official AskPundit Blog


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## costa200

> They hardly listen to you and wish to do whatever they feel like.


I'm a teacher so i'm around teens everyday. No kid that depends on you to get fed and clothed have the right to step over you. 

I've had some really tough students in the past (the kind that beats his mother and whatnot). I never lose control over things by simply showing them that i'm not impressed by their tantrums. I "expect" them to behave and not doing it means consequences. 

Quite honestly some of the real hard ass kids i've had basically had to understand that if required they would be spanked, without me saying it or even hinting it (cuz i can't actually do it, but i keep them wondering if i would or not). All about posture and confidence. 

Then you also have to TALK to them. You cannot command like you do a 5 year old. You have to tell them what you need of them and why. But not pleading or giving the feeling that you have to justify yourself. Put it in the form of:

"This is what is going to happen... Because of... Now get to it..."

Interactions when things get heated must be so that the teen actually doesn't think there is actually a choice. I advise *against* this form:

"do... or else..."

Like there is a choice. There isn't. The "or else" comes later and is not part of a choice but a consequence. Never allow your teen to choose the consequence. If he/she chooses the consequence you lose. 

What you do is tell the teen what you need, the consequence is implicit and untold, and is so bad and bothersome that isn't really a possible path. 

AND... Most of all. When you deal a punishment, think on what you say. Say that you are going to think about a suitable punishment. Let the teen stew on it. The anxiety is part of it. 
Don't deal punishment you cannot hold. Don't go back on the punishment. So think well before you utter the words.

Teens will always be teens, but there is a difference between healthy teen rebellion and an uncontrollable delinquent who thinks the world is all about its sense of entitlement.


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## bertharupert

Patience and understanding is the key to tame them...


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## turnera

Memento said:


> How about when the teen does not want to do anything but play vide ogames, computer and watch tv? What to do about his sense of self entitlement?
> 
> We have rules too, but he chooses not to obey many of them. The same with chores.


 Well, that's easy.

You won't wash your clothes? They're still on the floor? Fine. Enjoy the weekend without your cell phone. I just deleted it.

You didn't take out the trash? Fine. I just threw the battery cable out from your video game.

Who's the freakin' parent here?


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## turnera

bertharupert said:


> Patience and understanding is the key to tame them...


 Wrong. There is no understanding when it comes to teenagers. There are rules. And consequences when the teenager decides to ignore the rules.

Period.

You can 'understand' each other later, after they have grown up.


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