# How to Attract Sex vs. Chasing it



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So I am trolling for some answers from someone 
on how do I become someone that SEX Is coming 
at me , how do I be someone that is an opening for SEX ?

So I am looking to see who I need to become to attract SEX.
Perhaps that may sound weird however I am thinking that I cant
change my wife however I can change myself ...

I am 44 and my wife is 47. I am looking for some advice and 
I have looked before. Me and my wife havent had sex in 3 months 
and to be honest the lack of sex or desire from her side is starting 
to even turn me off. Whenever I try and communicate about sex
she gets very reactive. She seems very tired and even when she sleeps 
and takes naps it doesnt help.

If I ask her and she can she gives me a handjob however many times 
when I initiate she wants to do that and she isnt into sex.
Over the last 3 months one month she had no period and one 
month she had two of them and then even complained of a dull pain 
a few times. She recently went to an acupuncture person however she 
said the herbs were not working for her and now has stopped taking 
them and yet she didnt even know what they were for . It tool almost a
year for her to go to someone because she always gets sidetracked with 
being busy ..

We are both active, work out - I work out 5 days a week and she works 
out 4 to 5 days as well . We eat very healthy organic food and have a 
5 year old daughter .

Every time I try and bring up sex or ask about what is happening with 
her she gets reactive many times which seems like a tired or hormonal 
response .. she may say - I dont think we have the same goals in life
or maybe you need to find someone to have sex with you . a week ago 
I shared that we could have sex during her period and not use a condom
and she laughed and said we dont even have sex when I am not having 
my period and asked her if she ever had sex during one ? she said no 
I said I did before and her comment was why dont you have sex with 
that person ... she says crazy things .

I told her how I want to have sex and feel connected. One night she said 
you can only feel connected to me when we have sex I think. I said no 
we eat out dinner every night . have a date night on saturday which is 
dinner and hanging out while babysitter is in over and we go home and 
go to sleep most of the time ..

I just dont know what to do . I have tried many things, doing more chores 
giving her space and yet it doesnt seem to help. The question is who do I need
to be, should I walk around the house with a boner or naked or what >???

This last week I wanted to have sex and I asked for a massage since she 
was having her period. I started making out hard and then she said her 
boob hurt from me touching it - she said ow.. I said I was sorry and then 
she said why did your personality change after she said ouch ...? then she 
said she would give me a massage... I said I wanted to put my **** inside 
of her and then she got upset and said do you want a massage or not ???
almost like a threat ...

What do I do , any advice - how to exude sex and attract sex , vs me chasing 
it and trying so hard for her - any ideas ??


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## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> Every time I try and bring up sex or ask about what is happening with
> her she gets reactive many times which seems like a tired or hormonal
> response .. *she may say* - I dont think we have the same goals in life
> or *maybe you need to find someone to have sex with you*.


There's your answer right there, my friend. If my wife said this to me, I wouldn't even question it, I would take it as a hall pass and go out and make it happen.

I suggest you do the same.

It doesn't make sense to try to force her, or coerce her, or in any way try to get her to do something she clearly doesn't want to do. She's telling you she understands you have needs, and she loves you enough that she doesn't want your needs to go unmet.

Take your wife's advice. The sooner the better.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Is your wife perimenapausal?

Was your wife ever sexual?

How long have y'all been married?

I do know when the sex stops, all the little things get amplified 100x. The energy changes, it becomes a cold environment...resentments grow and fester even more than before...you will stop doing the little things for each other... If your needs are not being met, you will very soon stop providing her needs. That resentment will turn into anger and eventually hate...It will not be pretty...Dinner will be silent. You will spend you evenings in a different part of your house. Not the best environment for the little one...oh... I am projecting here..sorry!

What i 've come to realize is the lack of sex is just a symptom of much bigger issues... Find out what those other issues are...

I found out that my wife has no sexual attraction or desire for me...Nothing I do will change that. My desire for her is gone as well...

BTW, my wife told me to get sex elsewhere too...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Is your wife perimenapausal?

response : 
Probably - that is what I am thinking 

Was your wife ever sexual?

response:
Yes. We used to have sex several times a week.
She gave me oral while driving 
we have had sex on picnic bench, in car 
in car even when her parents were over.
she you used to give me blowjobs to completion too..
she also used to be the instigator :

What is weird is I was 20-30 lbs heavier at the time 
made less money - and she had less...

Everything changed after my wife was pregnant...


How long have y'all been married?

RESP: 
We have been married 6 years however together for like 
20 years ..

I do know when the sex stops, all the little things get amplified 100x. The energy changes, it becomes a cold environment...resentments grow and fester even more than before...you will stop doing the little things for each other... If your needs are not being met, you will very soon stop providing her needs. That resentment will turn into anger and eventually hate...It will not be pretty...Dinner will be silent. You will spend you evenings in a different part of your house. Not the best environment for the little one...oh... I am projecting here..sorry!

What i 've come to realize is the lack of sex is just a symptom of much bigger issues... Find out what those other issues are...

I found out that my wife has no sexual attraction or desire for me...Nothing I do will change that. My desire for her is gone as well...

BTW, my wife told me to get sex elsewhere too...[/QUOTE]


RESPONSE: 

Its weird, what do I say - honey I will be back I am going to go have sex with someone that wants me that way ?LOL

I must say the responses are kind of bi-polar 

* Do you want to get a vasectomy honey - so we dont have to 
worry about condoms ?

* Why dont you have sex with someone else that can satisfy your needs....?

* I would have more sex with you if you did not act weird..

* I love you and I have lost my libido , I dont know what 
happened ....

* It seems as if we both want different things ... maybe I 
cant please you 

* I like to do things that make you feel good ...

Its all back and forth ... I am confused to be honest ..


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

HiLibido said:


> There's your answer right there, my friend. If my wife said this to me, I wouldn't even question it, I would take it as a hall pass and go out and make it happen.
> 
> I suggest you do the same.
> 
> ...


Perhaps don't take any hand jobs or bj's unless she insists either. Take her up on it, do a don't ask don't tell policy and let her know that you will do whatever you have to do until she resumes taking care of that.

How to "attract" it. Well my man, men who are having sex or sexually in demand attract it without even trying. So your best bet is to find someone who likes you alot who likes having sex
with you.

It will calm you down, it will make you stop hurting so much behind the wife, it may even make your situation at home look stupid to you providing for someone who won't even have sex with you.

But I'm confident even your wife and many other women WILL see you in a more sexual light once you are having sex. First sex, just go for a FWB situation, don't worry about love, just finnd someone you feel safe with who needs sex. Over time you can get more picky, but the very first thing you need to do is get your d1ck wet. Yeah it works like that and women hate to hear it.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Your wife may have said go have sex with someone else but quite possibly if you do, she will be devastated. So if that's really the road you go down, I would say have a clear conversation with her about that. It sounds like the two of you aren't communicating clearly about this, i.e. you aren't understanding or respecting the other person's point of view. She is pre-menopausal and experiencing discomfort around that. You aren't getting the sex you need. You are both looking at it from your own perspective and not looking for a win-win. So, can you approach it that way? You love her and want to be married to her. You want to only have sex with her. You understand that her body seems to be going through some changes. Is there a way you can both get your needs met?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Dude. Your wife is perimenopausal, you have a 5 year old in the house, and you initiate sex by mauling her boob and saying "I want to put my d*ck in you". Put the pieces together there.

Also, it's a good bet when she says "go out and find someone else to have sex with" she doesn't really want you to do that. If you DO decide to do that, kiss your marriage goodbye.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Your wife may have said go have sex with someone else but quite possibly if you do, she will be devastated. So if that's really the road you go down, I would say have a clear conversation with her about that. It sounds like the two of you aren't communicating clearly about this, i.e. you aren't understanding or respecting the other person's point of view. She is pre-menopausal and experiencing discomfort around that. You aren't getting the sex you need. You are both looking at it from your own perspective and not looking for a win-win. So, can you approach it that way? You love her and want to be married to her. You want to only have sex with her. You understand that her body seems to be going through some changes. Is there a way you can both get your needs met?


For this situation if she explicitly stated it, he could ask if she is sure... Then get the guidelines whether she wants to be councelled or is it a "don't ask don't tell".

Many women will get sexually excited behind their spouses behind their competitive drive.... So once she realizes he is having sex, she will likely want to.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's far easier to attract sexual interest from someone new than your own spouse if they're no longer into you. If sex is important to you and you can't fix things with your spouse, I am a strong advocate of divorce and moving on to find someone who is actually compatible.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> It's far easier to attract sexual interest from someone new than your own spouse if they're no longer into you. If sex is important to you and you can't fix things with your spouse, I am a strong advocate of divorce and moving on to find someone who is actually compatible.


I agree. However, if your spouse will not light your sexual light, someone else will. Many cases they cannot help but to see you in a sexual light when they know you are having sex.

So it can help. I had a wife starve me for 2 years, and after I finally got a girlfriend, and I didn't say a single word, it was the next day after I finally had sex. She wanted to get some.

I didn't give it to her, because she was just a pit bull peeing on her territory. But this is a response I hear is very normal...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Happy-

Do you think that it is possible your wife feels powerless over her libido?

Which came first, the marriage or pregnancy? 14 or so years together? Was marriage part of the plan? 

Any normal healthy woman would never tell her husband to go have sex with another woman... Unless she feels that you would never do that...

I like what Alpha said... All it will take is one woman to get the ball rolling.. It wouldn't matter what she looks like...For myself, I would come home with the biggest $hit eatin grin on my face that there would be no hiding what happened...


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Happy-
> 
> Do you think that it is possible your wife feels powerless over her libido?
> 
> ...


It's in your face, in your body, in your movements. You just look more like someone who has sex.

When we don't have it, we are easily stressed, we are red alot of times, our movements indicate a "lack" of...

Get to an abundance of it and you will likely have it coming from everywhere, even your wife.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

What would happen if you just stared having sex with her? 

Not when she's in the middle of cleaning up cat barf or just after she found out her favourite aunt just died or something like that but when you're in bed after a nice evening together just start making love to her.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> What would happen if you just stared having sex with her?
> 
> Not when she's in the middle of cleaning up cat barf or just after she found out her favourite aunt just died or something like that but when you're in bed after a nice evening together just start making love to her.


Sometimes when they don't see you in a sexual light they can't see it, so you cannot initiate, it looks strange to them.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

AlphaProvider said:


> Sometimes when they don't see you in a sexual light they can't see it, so you cannot initiate, it looks strange to them.


Most likely that's true. I don't know the OP or his wife though... that's why I posed it as a question. 

In some relationships asking or pleading, in and of itself, could very well be a turn off while assertively acting to satisfy your needs could be a turn on.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Asking, begging, pleading are all turnoffs. A secure person would never stoop to such levels.

She doesn't know he got his sexual light lit elsewhere, she doesn't have to know anything except for some strange reason she is more attracted.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Hmmm... Head for the gym Lose your fat. All of it. Get buf and attractive. Get that V in your back. Biceps, chest. Do it. You'll like the results. When you go out, your wife will see the ladies looking at you. She'll wake up.

Read MMSLP. Memorize it.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Hmmm... Head for the gym Lose your fat. All of it. Get buf and attractive. Get that V in your back. Biceps, chest. Do it. You'll like the results. When you go out, your wife will see the ladies looking at you. She'll wake up.
> 
> Read MMSLP. Memorize it.


Losing weight being tight is great. However until he is "annointed" by a female who desires to lay with him he will not be on full point.

Sometimes the best way to get p0ssy is to actually go out and get p0ssy. Women love a man who is in demand, especially one who is successfully sexually active.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

AlphaProvider said:


> Losing weight being tight is great. However until he is "annointed" by a female who desires to lay with him he will not be on full point.
> 
> Sometimes the best way to get p0ssy is to actually go out and get p0ssy. Women love a man who is in demand, especially one who is successfully sexually active.


I think you are spot on here... Happy did say he is in way better shape than before and nothing has changed...

For myself, I am in better shape than ever before in my live. I have that V shape I always wanted and still no change at home... 

In know women look at me with curiosity... Something is missing... It's the sex...

We can look at most anybody and by the way the act... Their energy....their aura... Something they give off that says they are sexual...People give off that sexual energy... Or they give off that sexual nerdiness.... As of now, I am in the later category... So is the OP... Maybe many of us in sexless marriages are as well...

We have to change that dynamic... We can change the outside all we want.... We gotta change the inside...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Sexual neediness.... Dang auto correct


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

How do you go get Possy - when your married and be in demand if your married. wasnt the point of marriage making a commitment to each other ..???


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

The point I was trying to make is I lost 30 lbs. went down 3 belt sizes and I am in the best shape in my life right now. However what I am saying is my sex life isnt better because I am in great shape now, in fact when I had more weight on and less money - my sex life was better .. The question is now that I have everything together in life - what happened to the sex ? Now I have more energy and because I work out 5 days a week my libido is even higher ...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Its really hard all of this ...

My wife expects me to work 12 hours a day and answer her beckon call whenever she needs something . Its funny she can work until midnight or more yet when it comes to sex we havent had it for 3 months now and if I start with her at 10 pm , shes screaming she is tired ... what is happening - now she is realizing she is tired again and that her going to an herbalist didnt actually work ..

However I just cant deal with her crabby moods and her grouchiness - its making me turned off - today I was talking with her and she said - why are we having this conversation - i am busy an I have lots to do ...... she was very rude ....

This doesnt make me feel positive. I got in shape because of MMSLP book and even got a session from the author who pointed to endocrine or hormonal situation and he said even if I was Bradd Pitt I wouldnt get any with her symptoms --- perhaps ...

However I think all of this really starts in the mind ..LOL
if she wants to do this and wants to get better , hwoever I work 
out 5 times a week and now I am getting discouraged because no matter how buff I get or how good I look - its not making an impact ..

I am married with a child, I get what people say around getting a girlfriend or having sex on the side however - I got married and we made a promise to each other to commit. I guess I thought commit meant you listen to each other and try and connect as lovers and grow your passion .. perhaps ...

She had it before, we had sex before , I got BJS before all the way , we even did 69s, and she was aggressive .. now she would rather sleep and even when is is rested she is still tired . I do believe its hormonal however she seems scared of side affects if she got replacement therapy ..any experience out there with natural stuff or solutions for women..

I just want my wife back.. I feel like I am in a desert and time is passing and Im missing all of the fun ... 

I dont know what else is next ...maybe I should sleep in another room ..
I do get angry.. I am trying to be positive however I am not feeling valued by her -- my time is of service to her in a work way yet - my needs and us having sex isnt important ?

I know shes imbalanced -- just what do I do - do I feed her foods that change that , hypnotize her what ??


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## Elizabeth50 (Nov 19, 2014)

Did you say that a lot of this changed after having the child? Did you plan to have the child? Our third child was a "surprise" and I had a really hard time getting into sex after that. ( Though I faked it. My husband never knew.) But I was praying silently the entire time we had sex, please don't let me get pregnant, don't let me get pregnant, etc...

The other thing to consider is postpartum depression or just depression over being a mom. I had a hard time being a stay at home mom. I felt like a horrible mom and hated myself for not enjoying being a mom. Could that be a problem?

I know I'm looking at it through my own filter, but could that be an issue?


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## AlphaTrophyHusband (Nov 25, 2014)

Trickster said:


> I think you are spot on here... Happy did say he is in way better shape than before and nothing has changed...
> 
> For myself, I am in better shape than ever before in my live. I have that V shape I always wanted and still no change at home...
> 
> ...


I found the same thing as you guys. I went through a drought and almost couldn't even PAY for it. I was tight, clean in shape but it didn't get the right attention, maybe it's the vibes I put off being sexless.

The very day after I got a girlfriend and we consumated our relationship, females were looking, talking and wanting to get with me.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

While I agree people by nature are attracted to a winner I don't really think getting a girlfriend is the answer. First off, and most importantly, you will know and think less of yourself...or at least you should. Second you risk hurting the most important person in your life. That is cruel and dishonourable. If it's bad enough you have to go outside the marriage get a divorce.


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## AlphaTrophyHusband (Nov 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> While I agree people by nature are attracted to a winner I don't really think getting a girlfriend is the answer. First off, and most importantly, you will know and think less of yourself...or at least you should. Second you risk hurting the most important person in your life. That is cruel and dishonourable. If it's bad enough you have to go outside the marriage get a divorce.


Swingers do it, and some people open a relationship temporarily to account for hard times. I think it is honorable to take care of yourself, knowing it really does not matter to you and you are helping someone out and helping yourself.

Sometimes the spouse needs that stimulous they just don't understand to be reignited, the ways to a happy home aren't all positive or good.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The difference is that swingers and people in open relationships aren't lying or hiding anything from their spouses. 

Doing this to your spouse to make yourself more attractive to them is disrespectful to them and to yourself.


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## AlphaTrophyHusband (Nov 25, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> The difference is that swingers and people in open relationships aren't lying or hiding anything from their spouses.
> 
> Doing this to your spouse to make yourself more attractive to them is disrespectful to them and to yourself.


She told him to do it...

I think after one year anyone is in their right mind to allow someone outside the relationship to "groom" them if the spouse will not.

Sometimes the spouse cannot see what they have right in front of their eyes. I know I'd expect it done to me if I starved a gf or wife for a very long time.


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## AlphaTrophyHusband (Nov 25, 2014)

Another way to get "it" into you is by dancing. In many forms of dancing you will be in close quarters to the female and she may have a strong desire towards you. This way without "cheating" on your spouse, you can get annointed by female desire, lust and positive strong attention.

When your wives are not attracted to you anymore and don't understand why, many times you have just run dry of all that mojo and swagger you had when you caught her.

They also respond more heavily to males to social validation. So be the male that all the babes want to bang. I'm giving advice to help your marriage, even the "bad" advice.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Its Definitely Discouraging. .I know dancing makes me feel great....i don't even feel like Iinitiating any more....I'm not feeling inspired and board. ...I mean what is my wife thinking .. hhonestly. ..it's been over 3 months now.... i mean what do ladies think....we go on dates...go to movies...nice dinners....flowers...give massages ...and so 3 months ....no sex....and so what do I do...?

Not want it and not be needy....perhaps go get myself a toy for pleasuring myself ...?




Seriously am I nuts ?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

AlphaTrophyHusband said:


> Another way to get "it" into you is by dancing. In many forms of dancing you will be in close quarters to the female and she may have a strong desire towards you. This way without "cheating" on your spouse, you can get annointed by female desire, lust and positive strong attention.
> 
> 
> *are you talking about ballroom dancing?*
> ...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

happybuddha said:


> Its Definitely Discouraging. .I know dancing makes me feel great....i don't even feel like Iinitiating any more....I'm not feeling inspired and board. ...I mean what is my wife thinking .. hhonestly. ..it's been over 3 months now.... i mean what do ladies think....we go on dates...go to movies...nice dinners....flowers...give massages ...and so 3 months ....no sex....and so what do I do...?
> 
> Not want it and not be needy....perhaps go get myself a toy for pleasuring myself ...?
> 
> ...



Do you work with women?

Do you have hobby's that puts you close to women?

Do you have female friends?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

A. Don't chase sex.
B. Do you find yourself attractive? If not, work on that.
C. Hope what you find attractive lines up with what they find attractive.
D. If it doesn't, leave.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I dont know what to do ...

Its been like 3 month since we have sex 

I am a bit fed up however I do understand she must have some HEALTH issues. I dont know I am really IRRRITAED to say the least 
here ....

I feel a bit like : 

What is SHE Thinking - about me not getting any sex for 1/4 of a year ? Does she even care about that , is she asleep in some way where its past her thoughts or is she just avoiding it ??

I dont get it ??


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Life is definitely very interesting...I'm so bored and so feeling ignored...I don't even feel like Iinitiating with my wife any more...
.
she know she has issues and she knows tthat it is affecting our relationship...yet she doesn't know what to do about it..because she ddoesn't know what is wrong with herself...yet she does not hav any urgency to see someone because she seems scared about what medicine she may have to ttake. ..we have not had sex for almost 4 months..... 

the other night she shared her feeling about life and feeling pressure around life ....and we talked for over 4 hours.....

over the last few days i have felt...very distant since she doesn't seem to listen to much advice I give her on a level about her health.... 

and because we hhaven't had sex....i almost now don' t wwant to hhave any sex or initiate sex. ..with her because i think of her issues and problems......im kind of discouraged at this point...


I just do not know what to do...guess ..I just have to be patient..... when she gets negative ....I that majorly turns me off......

I am there for her ...listen to her feelings and don't have any expectations any more ... I'm just here doing what a good person would do ...however I am starting to feel aas if life has become very one sided for me......

This really hurts ....i feel hurt and ignored ... 

I have to find a way to break this pattern...and it has discouraged me from even trying to get my needs met..... or talk about ideas....


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

HappyBuddha-

It's hard to believe so many men stay in a sexless, loveless marriage... Myself included...

How can a wife or a husband say "I love you" and then have no interest in sex? 

If I lost my libido and loved my wife, I would do everything possible to get my libido back. If I completely lost it, I would do oral every day if that's what she wanted..

If my wife would then say to me..." I still want more... I NEED PIV... A dildo/vibrator isn't enough..." Would I ever tell her to have sex elsewhere? I don't think so...

I think I would want to divorce. Not out of anger or to be mean... I would divorce to give her freedom and for her to maintain her integrity...

There has to be romantic love though. IMO, if there is love in the marriage. More than platonic love, we should do all we can to let our spouse know they are loved. 

To me, no sex = no romantic love = no real marriage


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

the other night she shared her feeling about life and feeling pressure around life ....and we talked for over 4 hours..... 

It was mostly her sharing feelings about things. I did share a little about how I felt...however she did say that many of her feelings and fears seem to be causing her eenergy to be low..she feels like almost everything is causing her pressure even little things ...and that all she feels seems to be affecting our relationship...perhaps I will better understand ...

I seem to have this huge urgency to find out now because every dday is going by...iI watched a video last night on depression. .perhaps she is depressed?


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Every freaking time I come this site and read this crap it pushes me further out of marriage. This disgusting.... I am sorry for all men and woman who are stuck with miserable people.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

There is no convo to be had man. Once a woman losses it, most times it don't come back for that person she lost it for. She will meet a new guy and it will shock you when you find out how she is. Options are leave or cheat, or die a slow death.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Trickster said:


> Any normal healthy woman would never tell her husband to go have sex with another woman... Unless she feels that you would never do that...


Nope, my ex-wife suggested an open marriage when she was cheating and i didn't know it.

I, of course, said "no way!"

She figured it would be a great cover story for her infidelity if she got me to do as she was doing.

Very messed up thinking, but some women would suggest as that lady did.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

michzz said:


> Nope, my ex-wife suggested an open marriage when she was cheating and i didn't know it.
> 
> I, of course, said "no way!"
> 
> ...



Your wife probably wasn't a normal healthy person. You said it yourself... 

"Very messed up thinking"

The OP ruled out infidelity...


Happybuddha-

Did your wife want to have a baby?

I don't think you answered my question from before... Did y'all get married because your wife got pregnant?

Was she happy just living together? 

Did she threaten to leave if you didn't marry her?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

HiLibido said:


> There's your answer right there, my friend. If my wife said this to me, I wouldn't even question it, I would take it as a hall pass and go out and make it happen.
> 
> I suggest you do the same.
> 
> ...


In theory is sounds good on paper but once it is set in motion, it often times brings a world of hurt. To his wife because she will feel like a failure as a wife and as a woman. To his lover, because she may want more than a FWB relationship. And to him because it is not simply orgasms with another woman but an emotional connection he cannot fulfill because that would mean falling in love with his lover.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Response to marriage question

We got married first then had a child. 
No ultimatum....

we did have much more sex prior to pregnancy and getting married.....


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Did y'all get married because you both wanted a child? The ole biological clock?

I only ask it because my wife and I cohabitated for a very long time as well. Time was running out for children...we wanted to be married before children came along.

The only difference between you and I is that my wife was never all that sexual. I was hoping marriage would prove I loved her and she would want more sex....That didn't help... My bad....


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

I don't think a man can "attract" sex. Women attract sex. Men chase it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

It is possible that many women will chase men...

The article doesn't say anything about how to get the wife to chase the husband.




Make a magnetic first impression - AskMen


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So I reviewed this article that someone shared about attraction.
This article may seem great in the context of a single guy. How 
do you play hard to get with your wife. How do you act like you 
have plans with someone else and also create mystery.

Its funny it seems as wives want to keep track of every minute of 
what their husband is doing. I know my wife does seem to ask me 
about meeting her for dinner and to do different things for her.

Perhaps I can act as if I am not available because I am busy however
I am not sure if this would wok however I am happy to try it. Perhaps 
I should spend my evenings and weekends in the office or working or 
schedule stuff for myself.

I thought that married people would be open to working on a better 
relationship perhaps however when I bring up issues or topics I 
want to discuss it seems stressful. This may be because my wife’s 
system is tapped out perhaps its her adrenals or hormones that are
off balance.

I must say, she will ask me what I think and when I tell her its 
almost like she just doesn’t want to know. Especially if I say I 
am thinking about you, or I am thinking of spending time with you.
She then plays a bit unsensual and says - but we are spending time
right now as we sit here together .. then I have to say I am thinking 
about you romantically - having sex… If I tell my wife quite time
romantic time, intimate time or quality time she seems to think
that all encompasses no-sex - we do that ..LOL

I am in so much frustration at the moment because its been about 
4 months and I asked what has happened why is our physical love disappeared.
Even though she has shared, low energy , low libido, feeling pressure
and a bit off in some ways - she swears that everything is ok. When I 
bring up stuff and try and have a conversation she said she feels pressure
and she needs space. She says she doesn’t want me calling the doctor or 
helping her solve it .. that she needs space and she will figure it out 
on her own…even though we have been having this conversation for over 
a year. So i think its a combination between hormones and some depression.
I seem to be stuck no matter what I do at the moment.

From her perspective she says I have 3 personalities. One at work - one 
at home and one in the bedroom. When I am in the bedroom I want to have 
sex all of the time .. i think perhaps my initiations seem very awkward 
to her because of her being tired and feeling all of this pressure. Whats 
crazy is over the last few weeks I have not even initiated with her and 
had this talk and she makes it seem as if every hour I want to have sex
when the reality is I may initiate once a week because we spend most of 
our time working or being busy with something and now after she is done
working at night and its past 930pm I don’t even initiate any more and 
when I get up at 6 am to go to work she is sleeping. So her reality is 
that I do things every day - when in fact truthfully we are speaking about 
initiating one time per week perhaps on saturday .

Because of her behavior and reactions and how she has been - I don’t even 
expect to have sex any more - In fact this whole situation of her not 
even wanting to have sex for the last 4 months is really getting to me 
in the fact that I am looking for productive ways to spend my time.

She seems to be very extreme with her descriptions of me having different 
personalities when in bed then in work and watching tv. and she talks in 
extremes saying I have done this for 15 years.. when in fact that is not 
the case.. we have had great times, she has been aggressive and initiated 
with me in the past and their have been great times however when issues 
comes up she continually says she doesn’t have a problem and its how I am 
being at times…

Yet when I request that “we” work on it, and we come up with a solution she
seems to avoid having any kind of plan. When I request that we plan out 
times to make sex a priority - she always seems very reactive and goes to 
negatives or that perhaps we should spend time apart since she says it 
sounds like your not happy with our relationship… She seems to gravitate 
towards that vs. coming up with solutions and being level headed with me.

I really do think the extreme reactions are because of hormones, energy 
being low and some depression… Its really hard because I have been giving her 
tons of space and not pressuring her for anything — and still she feels 
this pressure that does not exist the way she explains it ..

I am now searching for yoga or meditation or something to do for more 
work on my inner peace. Its really affected me — al of her reactions 
and twisted me to think that me wanting to even have sex - that I have 
some issues around sex.. that for me wanting it and being attached to 
desiring sex 1-2 times per week or even 1 time every 2 weeks is making 
me feel that I have some kind of issue when I don’t think I do …

Something like this can make you a bit crazy.. The only answer or 
solution I can think of at this point is to stay busy with things 
I love doing and make me feel good and just put sex on the side for
now… It really sucks …


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

HappyBuddha-

I really get where you are coming from..

I spent several years trying to vet my wife to want sex. If I was really aggressive, initiated, and didn't take no for an answer, we would have sex...I wasn't the type of sex that I wanted..

So, like I said already we are sexless too. We are roommates...

The last 2 months have been hell.

1) We no longer sleep in the same roomroom

2)I drink my morning coffee in a different room. I no longer care to talk or listen to her in the morning.

3) I no longer buy her favorite foods she wants when I go grocery shopping.

4)I very rarely cook now, which is hard because I love to cook. When I do cook, I make things that I know she doesn't like. Sometimes, I just make a sandwhich, which is punishment for myself. So if my wife wants to eat, she has to make her own dinner.

5)I no longer wash her dirty dishes. 

6)I stopped doing her laundry. I wash my clothes and my daughters. My wife's clothes stay in the hamper. She started using my socks because all of hers were dirty. Now I hide my socks so she can't wear mine.

I still vacuum, pick up clutter, clean the toilet seat...However, I ALWAYS leave the seat up...When people come over, I want our place to presentable.

All the games and tricks that I am doing hasn't helped improve our sex life, nor has it encouraged conversation. Talking is over for me. I no longer "chase" sex with my wife. It's not worth it anymore...

Happy-
You are the only person that knows how much you are willing to accept to keep the marriage intact.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Moops said:


> I don't think a man can "attract" sex. Women attract sex. Men chase it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

jaquen said:


>


I recently saw Jason Alexander at a "Pops Symphony Concert"

He is a great singer, dancer, and performer... and has an AMAZINGLY beautiful wife.


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## Terracota (Dec 10, 2014)

Hello there,
Sorry I haven't read all the posts in this thread, so I might repeat someone's else opinion. But here is what I think:
1. From your initial post, you wife seems VERY affected by hormones. I can tell it just because I am naturally very affected by mine, and I act absolutely same: I get very offended with tiny things (like your massage story), and I do say horrible things without even thinking about them. Did you notice any pattern in your wife's behaviour? Like she is all right for a week, but then gets off the wheels, and then all right again? I'm not sure whether yours is pre menopause or after pregnancy, I had neither yet, mine are just natural. But in mine there is a certain pattern. So I just had to make a list of "bad" days, handed it over to my husband saying that I am very likely to be a crazy ***** on these dates in this month asking to treat it lightly. It did improve our understanding of each other.
2. About sore boobs. Again, I have this problem quite a lot, but hardly when I say "ouch" I mean anything offensive (though my husband also gets scared and all apologetic for it). I would suggest you not paying such attention to it and just concentrate on another part of her body (neck, for example) after a short single "sorry". Believe me it is not the kind of pain which is PAIN.
3. You say it started after her pregnancy. Again, I cannot judge on it as we haven't had kids yet, the only advice - don't have the vasectomy done. Cause you are young and if you do get divorced you still have a chance of finding someone else for a family within next 10-15 years. And vasectomy will probably be a BIG problem then (believe me, I know what I am saying). Don't do such major steps until you sort it out your way - really, does she say the problem is in the need to use condoms?
Cheers,


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Dang... You've never read the book. Getting in shape is just chapter one. I ain't gonna cliff notes you into being attractive to ladies or anyone.

It takes work. If you're in great shape, good. On to the next 10 chapters. Geeze.

For some this is easy, for others, not so much.

Hint, confidence is attractive...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Been there done that.



happybuddha said:


> ....My wife expects me to work 12 hours a day and answer her beckon call whenever she needs something . Its funny she can work until midnight or more yet when it comes to sex we havent had it for 3 months now and if I start with her at 10 pm , shes screaming she is tired ...
> 
> ....today I was talking with her and she said - why are we having this conversation - i am busy an I have lots to do ...... she was very rude ....
> 
> ...


Actually she probably expects you to work 4hrs a day at a job and the rest of the time at home helping her our to make her life easier. My wife did, although she expected me to keep my 6 figure salary while doing that. Which was the problem.

I was also in a sex starved marriage for a while, before I finally figured things out. And yes my wife said she was too tired, but that wasn't the real reason. As her sex therapist ultimately told her, she was angry with me and had emotionally checked out of the marriage. The last thing a woman wants to do is have sex with a man she is angry with. My wife also had some real self image body issues following child birth. 

Whatever you do, don't move out of the master bedroom.

You need to let go of your anger because it will not do you any good. One of the things prior to fixing my marriage was that my wife would "bait" me by trying to start a fight so she could keep her emotional distance. 



happybuddha said:


> Its Definitely Discouraging. .I know dancing makes me feel great....
> 
> Not want it and not be needy....perhaps go get myself a toy for pleasuring myself ...?
> 
> Seriously am I nuts ?


No you are not nuts. If dancing makes you feel good, then go dancing. Tell your wife that you have found a dance class and what to attend and you would like to do that with her. If she says she can't sign up and go anyway. You did say it makes you feel better. 

One of the keys in MW Davis Sex Starved Marriage book (and many other self help books like Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy) is getting a Life. You have worked out and are in great shape. Now work on making other parts of you better. Invite her to join you, but not limit yourself is she doesn't. Do things you want to do and that will make you feel better and a better person. However, as a father you also need to take care of your daughter and your wife, so you can't be gone every night.

As to a toy? Why not. After about 3 months without sex, I purchased a Tanga Flip and one morning pulled it out of the night stand and pleasured myself. Before I started, I asked my wife to hold me. She freaked and ran to the bathroom. Later she asked what had happened. I told her I was a sexual being and I wasn't ashamed of it. I told her that I needed sex and wasn't ashamed of that and would prefer to have her as part of my sex life. 



happybuddha said:


> ...I'm so bored and so feeling ignored...I don't even feel like Iinitiating with my wife any more...
> .
> she know she has issues and she knows tthat it is affecting our relationship...yet she doesn't know what to do about it..because she ddoesn't know what is wrong with herself...yet she does not hav any urgency to see someone because she seems scared about what medicine she may have to ttake. ..we have not had sex for almost 4 months.....
> 
> ...


Good introspection. You are starting to feel angry. Drop the anger and refocus it on Getting a Life and re-inventing yourself. If I were you, I would take up activities with your 5 year old daughter. Go out on walks, bicycle rides, have the two of you do some sporting activity together such as snow skiing, swimming, skating, jogging. The worst that can happen is that your wife gets to rest and sees that you are a great father.

You need to get into your head that you can't force your wife to have sex with you. You can't change her. You can only change yourself, but often that is enough to create a different interpersonal dynamic, which will force her to treat you differently and with more respect and hopefully love. So yes, change the pattern and figure out a 180 that will force her to treat you differently. You are now in a high stakes game of trial and error. 



happybuddha said:


> the other night she shared her feeling about life and feeling pressure around life ....and we talked for over 4 hours.....
> 
> It was mostly her sharing feelings about things. I did share a little about how I felt...however she did say that many of her feelings and fears seem to be causing her eenergy to be low..she feels like almost everything is causing her pressure even little things ...and that all she feels seems to be affecting our relationship...perhaps I will better understand ...
> 
> I seem to have this huge urgency to find out now because every dday is going by...iI watched a video last night on depression. .perhaps she is depressed?


Perhaps, or perhaps it is the start of a mid life crisis or a realization that certain dreams/aspirations will not be met. If she continues to see depressed suggest conseling and select one that is also a marriage conselor and sex therapist.



happybuddha said:


> ...How do you play hard to get with your wife. How do you act like you have plans with someone else and also create mystery.
> 
> ...I thought that married people would be open to working on a better relationship perhaps however when I bring up issues or topics I want to discuss it seems stressful. This may be because my wife’s system is tapped out perhaps its her adrenals or hormones that are off balance.
> 
> ...


Again, great analysis. How do you play hard to get? Well you Get a Life, where she sees that she can be part of it or not be part of it and IT IS HER CHOICE. You want her to choose to be part of your life. You become the most interesting, facinating man any woman could want, one that her friends all have the hots for and complement her on how great you are.

She is the only one who can change herself. She is in denial, which is what most people do until they are confronted with a problem in themself. She is avoiding recognizing the problem, pretending it doesn't exist or blaming you for a problem of her making. Actually, you both probably have some responsibility in the problem between the two of you. Of course she will be upset when you keep bringing up something she doesn't want to address. 

Ultimately, as part of my get a life, I decided to take up hobbies that required lots of action and some time away. I did overnight mountain climbing trips with a local club. I did multi-day bicycle 100 to 200 mile rides. I signed up for half marathons in other cities and asked if my wife would like to go with me. Most of the time for running events she came to make sure I wasn't cheating on her and was actually running a race. Eventually, she understood that this was the new me. On one mountain I climbed I stayed at a lodge prior to the climb and she stayed at the lodge as well and waited for me.

What really helped me was MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage, Glovers No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Chapman's the 5 Languages of Love. For her spending time sitting next to you (Chapman's quality time) might make her feel truly loved and content. You might need physical touch and be mistaking physical touch for sex. That happened to me and my wife. She ultimately could have sex with me but touching me was too uncomfortable, too intimate. Crazy no? Read Chapman, you might understand that what makes you feel loved is not the same thing that makes your wife feel loved. In fact you might just learn what I did that how I showed my love for my wife, did nothing for her and infact she found it annoying. It was very hard for me to recognize that my wife day in and day out for years had been expressing her love to me (acts of service & quality time according to Chapman) and I have been ignoring it and sometimes rejecting her statements of love. 

She grew up in a home were the wife having a hot dinner for the husband when he came home was an act of love. When I worked late without calling her ahead of time and the dinner was ruinted it was like a slap in the face. I discovered via Chapman that I was part of the problem, I had hurt my wife and partially caused her to emotionally withdraw.

One last piece of advice that helped my marriage and that is after you have learned a lot of relationships and partially figured out what you have been doing wrong. Change it and giver her unconditional love and don't ask for sex. Then after she has seen the change in you and commented on it, sign up for conseling with a sex therapist and marriage conselor.

Good luck.


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