# Sex "quota" for the week... Thoughts from men?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have posted previously about my H and his decreased desire. 

Well this last week was pretty good. I know he relaxes a lot more when the kids aren't around (which suggests one of his explanations of stress is a big factor) and we were lucky enough to have a couple of occasions where we had some time completely to ourselves. So over this last week we have been intimate three times. Great every time.

The other night we had a "discussion" at bedtime. It was around our youngest who has taken to sleeping in our bed (absolutely not my choice I will note.) That's an issue that is being dealt with, however during said discussion when I brought up that the situation impacts our adult time together, his response was that "we've had sex three times this week, wasn't that enough for you?"

I didn't realize we were on a quota! It is becoming clear that me and him are on completely different wavelengths. I see sex as something to be enjoyed just whenever we have the opportunity. I would never turn it down because we'd done it yesterday, or three times this week, etc.

The thing is I am really in a no man's land here as I am not sure what I am doing with this situation. I have been working to be "cooler", and not seem like I "expect" sex or pressure him. I am aware that he may be pulling back. The thing is, although I know when someone is more HD they may take care of things themself, for me it really doesn't do the job. It's just not the same.

Do other men work on a quota? Would guys turn their W down as you'd done it enough allready that week? It just sounds crazy to me! "Sorry, we've had too much great sex this week. I don't want any more til Monday."...
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## Drewgar (Jan 11, 2012)

me i like at least 4 times a week so basically every other day but you round it up to 4 cause aint never had no 1/2 sex.

But i would go easily for lots more 2-3 times everyday if we could some times i get more than average but everyother day is to me a reasonable number for both parties involved.


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## hoag (Mar 7, 2012)

I would never in a million years turn down sex from my wife, but I in the complete opposite situation from you. My wife has not initiated sex in at least 10 years. Like your husband, she thinks that there is some kind of quota or something. For her, she thinks that if we have sex once in a week, she has fulfilled her obligation. I am hoping that she will change. I cannot live like this. 
When someone loves someone else, there should be no quota or score. Each person should commit to always do the right thing.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If it helps at all, you aren't the only woman who has a husband doing this. Mine was the same way. Almost like I was "bothering" him when I was trying to get him in the mood for sex. He liked all the attention and knowing that I wanted him, but didn't want to do anything about it. 

Unintentionally, I did a very small half 180. I still did all the things I was doing, but I just stopped being so available to him. I am a full time student, so I started focusing on my classes and homework. Making sure I got all my household chores done took up enough time and finally it came around to HIM asking for sex. Upon more discussion recently, he told me it was harder for him to get an erection at night. (He was just home on R&R and I had asked about that since I read it in a men's article). He was tired at night, and just didn't want to bother. His entire leave we had sex everyday, morning or afternoon. He was relieved and then felt like he could really relax after that and have a few drinks without me looking at him wondering if he would be able to perform later. It was an awesome thing for us to talk about, definitely helped us both get what we wanted.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I can only remember turning down sex from my wife once in 26 years (so you can imagine how pis*ed I was that night!). She, on the other hand has no problem pushing me away and it's been 2 weeks since we were last intimate and I've pretty much stopped trying since we had numerous opportunities over those two weeks where the kids were gone and we were both off from work five days in a row!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't think it's uncommon for people to "keep score". High drive spouses keeping track of how little, low drive spouses keeping track of how often... If he feels like he's stretching his comfort zone to accommodate your desires, at least he's making the attempt, I guess.

I don't think it's gender specific, really. Just personalities and situations.

C
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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

My quotas would be for opposite reasons. If we do not do it __ much, we are not doing it enough. Not the other way around.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

walkingwounded said:


> I have posted previously about my H and his decreased desire.
> 
> Well this last week was pretty good. I know he relaxes a lot more when the kids aren't around (which suggests one of his explanations of stress is a big factor) and we were lucky enough to have a couple of occasions where we had some time completely to ourselves. So over this last week we have been intimate three times. Great every time.
> 
> ...


i am in the exact situation with my wife. we are 1 maybe two times a month. summertime, holidays or evenings when the kids are home is just a no-go, she cannot do it with them in the house. i just now understand she can do without it, she likes it, but she doesnt really think about it and its certainly not much of a focus for her in our life. im not sure what advice to give you, typically people are who they are in this department


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

We don't have a formal quota, what we do is have some nights where I don't initiate. I don't like to have a fixed quota per se though, we tried that and it just feels unromantic. Mostly it was me (HD) that didn't like it, but even my wife wasn't fond of it either. It just felt like an appointment: ok it's 9:30 kids are in bed I see the calendar says it's sex time, please disrobe.... ugh.

So I play online games 3 nights a week after the kids go to bed. We still talk and spend time together in the same room, but since I'm busy until well after she's asleep it doesn't allow for opportunity for a sexual advance. It feels more organic and less scheduled, even though to an extent it still is.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's not a quota but lower drive spouses just really aren't into sex as much as HD ones are. My husband is like that. It's not personal it's just who he is. Back in the day I wanted it daily (before I got old) and he was more of 3 times a week kinda guy. He never turns me down but I am respectful of his needs and I don't push.


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## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

I hate the "quota"! It has been with us almost our entire 18 years of marriage. Fortunately, my drive has diminished with age and I do not have to suffer as much as I did in the past. We are only a 1-3 time a month couple, only on the weekends and 99 percent of the time on Saturday night after 9:00pm. I have prayed, looked for pills, busied myself with mindless things, anything to not want my wife. It really sucks to hear, "not tonight, maybe tomorrow", or "not until Saturday", or "it's daylight", "I'm not in the mood", "I have a headache...shoulder ache...backache.....Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah!!!! I love my wife very much, but we have always been polar opposites about sex and so I hope that one day when I am too old that I will finally not have to think about or worry about it!


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## hoag (Mar 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It's not a quota but lower drive spouses just really aren't into sex as much as HD ones are. My husband is like that. It's not personal it's just who he is. Back in the day I wanted it daily (before I got old) and he was more of 3 times a week kinda guy. He never turns me down but I am respectful of his needs and I don't push.



But, do you ever turn him down. I think that I am respectful of my W, and ony try to initiate when I think that the moment is right, and never more than once a week, and I am still turned down more than I am not.


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## hoag (Mar 7, 2012)

AltoSax4ever said:


> I hate the "quota"! It has been with us almost our entire 18 years of marriage. Fortunately, my drive has diminished with age and I do not have to suffer as much as I did in the past. We are only a 1-3 time a month couple, only on the weekends and 99 percent of the time on Saturday night after 9:00pm. I have prayed, looked for pills, busied myself with mindless things, anything to not want my wife. It really sucks to hear, "not tonight, maybe tomorrow", or "not until Saturday", or "it's daylight", "I'm not in the mood", "I have a headache...shoulder ache...backache.....Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah!!!! I love my wife very much, but we have always been polar opposites about sex and so I hope that one day when I am too old that I will finally not have to think about or worry about it!



I can definitely relate. I am now in the same situation, but our time is Sunday morning or not at all. The other difference, the first years of marriage, we had plenty of good sex.


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

I suggest you find a better way to frame the discussion. "Quota" is a loaded term that invites argument. Better to focus on each others needs and finding some common ground and a reasonable compromise. This is controversial but my wife and I really like having certain days of the week set aside for messin around...I know I know, it's not very spontaneous, but it works well for us. Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday are for gettin down, the other three days aren't. BTW, I'm planning to shift Saturday into the lovin category, but for now 4x per week is just fine. The specific number will vary of course depending on the couples drives/needs, but it's nice to have some predictability and consistency. In addition, I like knowing when we're NOT gonna ****, so then I can adjust my expectations and behavior, e.g. I can enjoy ****tails without worrying about impairing my performance, etc. I fully realize this predetermined sex schedule ain't for everyone. But for couples who struggle w frequency issues..maybe it's worth a try.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

hoag said:


> But, do you ever turn him down. I think that I am respectful of my W, and ony try to initiate when I think that the moment is right, and never more than once a week, and I am still turned down more than I am not.


I'm the higher drive spouse. LOL

But no he does not turn me down. I'm the one respectful of how often he wants to have sex. If it were up to me I'd probably jump him nightly.


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