# I messed up royally....



## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

I've been posting here saying that I'm over him and doing well. I discovered that I've actually been self-medicating for the past 3 years so I never dealt with my true feelings. I'm clean now so all the crap is coming back, on top of which I work with him. 

I had a freak-out the other day. I discovered that his girlfriend works out right across the street from the new store I am opening. I asked the ex to tell her to go somewhere else because I can't handle seeing her. Especially since she is driving what used to be my mom's car (our company bought it and he allows her to use it. That's a whole other issue.) I hope she honours my wish. I truly don't know what I would do if I saw her. On top of that, my ex is telling me that he's not happy. He said it would make him happy to see me happy. How messed up is that?!?! I know it's totally dysfunctional and probably co-dependant. But I still love him. HELP!! I have to figure out how not to love him.

So here I am, at square one even though it's been 3 years. A piece of advice, DON"T self-medicate. The only way to deal with your emotions is to deal with them head on. The self-medicating snuck up on me because I suffer from chronic pain. Thankfully I've been able to reduce my consumption of the pills. But I am struggling with the hurt and pain that is coming up. 

I am so grateful for this website because I know it will get me through this next step in letting go.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Do you journal? It's really helpful to write down your thoughts, good and bad and everything in between. I agree with the self medication, maybe just the first 6 mos.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, a little bit of supervised medication, maybe of a different sort, along with therapy, would be okay! I don't think the world is going to bend over backwards to make your life comfortable and honestly in the long run, you will have more self respect if you can just see the car and know she's working out and have it not bother you, and if you can just look at your ex when he says he wants you to be happy and say, without even blinking, "That's a really f*cked up thing to say." Is there a reason you have to still talk to your ex, do you have a business together? Ouch, maybe that can change. It will be difficult to learn to not be co-dependent if he's around saying stuff like that.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I empathize with your not being able to see the OW. What is it that she touches in you? Are you afraid you might physically hurt her? A fight or flight mode is normal when we are afraid and feel threatened, and an OW is a threat. 

Are you in IC? A good IC can help you learn skills for dealing with these kinds of things. 

This is about you, not about the OW. That stupid woman is in your head and is holding power over you.

Are you in a 12 Step group? If so, do you have a sponsor yet? This is stuff to talk about with her as well. No shame in going to AA or NA. Very good people there who just might help you in ways you never dreamed possible.

You do not have to figure out how not to love your husband (or ex, whatever he is now). You have to figure out how to love yourself. Again, this is about you and you have an opportunity to become a stronger better person, or you can those two people hold power over you.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Arendt said:


> I empathize with your not being able to see the OW. What is it that she touches in you? Are you afraid you might physically hurt her? A fight or flight mode is normal when we are afraid and feel threatened, and an OW is a threat.
> 
> Are you in IC? A good IC can help you learn skills for dealing with these kinds of things.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

How can you expect his girlfriend to quit her job just because you're not comfortable with her being across the street? She was there first.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

lenzi said:


> How can you expect his girlfriend to quit her job just because you're not comfortable with her being across the street? She was there first.


That's not what she's asking. The GF goes to the gym ("works out") across the street from where the OP is opening a new shop. The OP wants the GF to use a different gym.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Thanks so much. Lots of great advice. 

Homemaker, we do have a business together. It's very successful and our kids are working there. So we don't want to close it. What I'm working on is putting people in place who can do my work so I don't have to go there. You are right about the world not bending over backwards. I do have my moments when I expect that! 

Arendt, I am afraid I might hurt her. I have a wicked temper which I've learned to control over the years. But I dislike her so much that I'm going to have to be very careful around her. I think it's jealousy. I feel like if she weren't around maybe my ex and I could reconcile. But that's just the emotional part of me wanting that. I have to keep reminding myself of how bad the marriage was and how unfulfilled I was. I'm reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and it has really opened my eyes to what I'm doing. And I definitely need to work on loving myself! That's such a great point. And I've given that advice to other people. Isn't it ironic how you can see so clearly when it comes to other people but you just don't see it when it's yourself in the situation? I've thought about joining NA but I don't believe in a higher power and I don't agree that I'm powerless. But I'm still considering at least going to a meeting. 

Lenzi, I know you're right but I'm still standing by my request. She's from another country, so I feel like I was here first. And they live closer to another city so she could go to any number of gyms there. I have made this town my home and I just don't want them there. As unreasonable as that is, it's how I feel. Thanks Feminist for the clarification. 

I do journal. That's kind of what started the end of the marriage. I kept a journal just when I was angry with him. I thought it was wrong to complain to my friends so I let out my anger on paper. He found and read my journals. He doesn't understand that it was written from an angry moment. He thought that what I wrote was how I really felt. 

I'm going to keep focusing on me and not worry about them. I'm usually such a strong person, I know I shouldn't allow them to have that kind of power over me. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you! This website keeps me sane!


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