# I can't control my mind. I kept thinking about other men. Anyone experience this?



## butterflyxx (Jul 1, 2011)

I hate myself for this. My mind seems to keep going towards infidelity. I'd suddenly be thinking about my ex bf(my first bf of 5 years) or thinking about another guy I met whom I barely talk to. I've been married for 5 years now and I consider myself taking good care of my husband's needs but I think I'm only physically there. Should I seek prof. help?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hell yes. You're starting to mentally check out from your marriage and not thinking of him anymore. You wouldn't want him thinking about and going out and banging other women, do you?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

See personal counselor (IC) now. You should also discuss this with your husband in an open and honest conversation. The two of you have issues to address together so you don't fell this need. BY talking to him, you will take that important first step in honesty and openess and hopefull he will take it as a wake up call to work together. You should also consider marriage counseling MC once you two talk. Together, you can fight off these urges andhe can help you. Expect anger and make the first conversation drag out, stop when it starts to get too emotional on his part and take a time out for him to cool down. DO NOT take his anger as he doesn't care or take it to heart. Give him time to think.


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## butterflyxx (Jul 1, 2011)

"mentally check out", that's what I'm worried about. I don't understand why I'm acting this way. I'm struggling to stay connected with him. I'm not sure what counselor can do to help. I've never seen one. Will it be expensive? I'm a stay at home mom and I don't feel comfortable spending too much of his money. 

I was hoping there's someone out there who had the same experience and managed to solve the problem.

Right now it's all about self control and I find myself letting loose slowly. If let's say the guy I'm attracted to shares the same feeling, I'd be in trouble. So, I'm avoiding that person totally right now. What if I lose self control someday?


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## butterflyxx (Jul 1, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> See personal counselor (IC) now. You should also discuss this with your husband in an open and honest conversation. The two of you have issues to address together so you don't fell this need. BY talking to him, you will take that important first step in honesty and openess and hopefull he will take it as a wake up call to work together. You should also consider marriage counseling MC once you two talk. Together, you can fight off these urges andhe can help you. Expect anger and make the first conversation drag out, stop when it starts to get too emotional on his part and take a time out for him to cool down. DO NOT take his anger as he doesn't care or take it to heart. Give him time to think.


aww.. I don't think I can have an open discussion with him. Right now, the household is very peaceful. Everyone is happy. I don't want to create havoc. I can't face it. I think I'd feel better if I'm able to have honest conversation like that with him. I'm scared he won't trust me anymore. While we're dating, I was still keeping in touch with my ex bf (long distance + no physical relationship) and he found out. That took him years to trust me again. I can't put him through that again.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

butterflyxx said:


> I'm a stay at home mom and I don't feel comfortable spending too much of his money.


You would be more comfortable spending monsterous chucks of his money on a divorce and destroying your family and causing unknown emotional scaring in your child(ren) ?

Get help, speak to someone. Your inability to control impluses and fading mental control could be a chemical imbalance (hormomal?) or multiple imbalances caused by depression, or something else medical.

don't f*ck around, talk to a professional about this.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

There's something missing and you're either in denial or scared of asking for too much. In my case I tried to convince myself that all of his positives meant that I should forget about the negatives. I have affair cravings as well. I'm more aware of the reasons since sharing my feelings with H. He's more willing to work on the issues as well.

Keep in mind that although your H may be able to make you feel a certain way, he cannot make you ACT a certain way. An affair would be 100% your burden to carry. His faults would be minimized and you'd have to tend to him long before he'd be expected to meet your needs. You know there's a problem. Involve him now before it's too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

butterflyxx said:


> aww.. I don't think I can have an open discussion with him. Right now, the household is very peaceful. Everyone is happy. I don't want to create havoc. I can't face it. I think I'd feel better if I'm able to have honest conversation like that with him. I'm scared he won't trust me anymore. While we're dating, I was still keeping in touch with my ex bf (long distance + no physical relationship) and he found out. That took him years to trust me again. I can't put him through that again.


try and spend more time with him. Talk more. Maybe he isn't doing what you need and your thinking you can get it else where. But is it worth all that you have. Is it worse you destroying him, your marriage and your family because you can't control your sex urges. Your not comfortable spending his too much of his money yet will you be comfortable tearing his heart and soul apart. There is nothing good gonna come of that. If you don't want the man let him go but don't take him through the pain of betrayal because YOU DON'T WANT TO CREATE HAVOC in your world. Think of the havoc you will create. Talk to him talk to someone but don't go EFFING around.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

butterflyxx said:


> aww.. I don't think I can have an open discussion with him. Right now, the household is very peaceful. Everyone is happy.


But everyone *isn't* happy. Your mind is wandering to thoughts of other men and toying with the idea of cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

butterflyxx said:


> "mentally check out", that's what I'm worried about. I don't understand why I'm acting this way. I'm struggling to stay connected with him. I'm not sure what counselor can do to help. I've never seen one. Will it be expensive? *I'm a stay at home mom and I don't feel comfortable spending too much of his money. *
> 
> I was hoping there's someone out there who had the same experience and managed to solve the problem.
> 
> Right now it's all about self control and I find myself letting loose slowly. If let's say the guy I'm attracted to shares the same feeling, I'd be in trouble. So, I'm avoiding that person totally right now. What if I lose self control someday?


Spending some money ... banging another man ... spending some money ... banging another man. Just weighing those options.

I say spend a little money to find out what is going on.

Yoy ask for help and then say you don't know how a counselor could help. Well that is just the point. We don't know what we don't know. You see a counselor to seek guidance.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

butterflyxx said:


> "mentally check out", that's what I'm worried about. I don't understand why I'm acting this way. I'm struggling to stay connected with him. I'm not sure what counselor can do to help. I've never seen one. Will it be expensive? I'm a stay at home mom and I don't feel comfortable spending too much of his money.
> 
> I was hoping there's someone out there who had the same experience and managed to solve the problem.
> 
> *Right now it's all about self control and I find myself letting loose slowly. If let's say the guy I'm attracted to shares the same feeling, I'd be in trouble. So, I'm avoiding that person totally right now. What if I lose self control someday*?


You must stay in NC with that guy. You should let your husband know who that guy is so he can help c0ckblock.

Uuummm. What if you don't lose self control. How about you not bang that guy.

Why don't you tell us about ... say that guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

butterflyxx said:


> aww.. I don't think I can have an open discussion with him. Right now, the household is very peaceful. Everyone is happy. I don't want to create havoc. I can't face it. I think I'd feel better if I'm able to have honest conversation like that with him. I'm scared he won't trust me anymore. While we're dating, I was still keeping in touch with my ex bf (long distance + no physical relationship) and he found out. That took him years to trust me again. I can't put him through that again.


But things are not good. You are worried about banging another man. You are unable to trust yourself. Think of the havoc banging another guy would create.

So you have a propensity for an EA. You violated your husbands trust once already.

See a counselor. You probably need MC as your husband is not meeting some need you have.


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## butterflyxx (Jul 1, 2011)

After talking to my mom, I figured out what's lacking in my marriage. She also suggests that I talk to my husband. So, I gathered my courage to talk to him. We're working it out now.

I'm surprised most answers here think that I want to ef around. That's not what I want. What I want is romance. Our life has become so routine that we forgot to feed each other's soul. Sex to me is unrelated to romance. I have enough of sex and I didn't realize I long for romance. So that causes me to fantasize being with other man and dating again. I'm just being silly. From this forum, I also learn that men only want sex out of affair. So, forget about it.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

butterflyxx said:


> From this forum, I also learn that men only want sex out of affair. So, forget about it.


BINGO. You got it. Well done and good luck.

Best wishes


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

butterflyxx said:


> From this forum, I also learn that men only want sex out of affair. So, forget about it.


I wish my wife had learned this very truth before her PA. Good luck and I'm glad you identified the issue. You and your husband can beat this slump and fall in love all over again. What a great adventure that will be for the both of you. :smthumbup:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Another thing---if your a SAHM---you probably have way toooo much time on your hands---find some hobbies to get involved in-----do something to occupy your mind


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


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## purrhotstuff (Apr 21, 2011)

butterflyxx said:


> After talking to my mom, I figured out what's lacking in my marriage. She also suggests that I talk to my husband. So, I gathered my courage to talk to him. We're working it out now.
> 
> I'm surprised most answers here think that I want to ef around. That's not what I want. What I want is romance. Our life has become so routine that we forgot to feed each other's soul. Sex to me is unrelated to romance. I have enough of sex and I didn't realize I long for romance. So that causes me to fantasize being with other man and dating again. I'm just being silly. From this forum, I also learn that men only want sex out of affair. So, forget about it.


Infidelity usually means that you are effing around, so that is why everyone probably thought that


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## M_c_g (Sep 26, 2011)

butterflyxx said:


> I hate myself for this. My mind seems to keep going towards infidelity. I'd suddenly be thinking about my ex bf(my first bf of 5 years) or thinking about another guy I met whom I barely talk to. I've been married for 5 years now and I consider myself taking good care of my husband's needs but I think I'm only physically there. Should I seek prof. help?


I have the same situation with my husband. He is the greatest man ever. he is caring, good in bed, romantic; but I don't know why I am not attracted to him. I barely can have sex with my husband. I even sometimes afraid that he touch me.on the other hand, I think about my classmate lot. However I know it is wrong and since I already slept with my classmate, I know that he is so bad even in bed, but I can not help it. this thought is making me crazy too.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

It may not be about OM at all. It is just you having wandering mind. Of course, now the diagnosis is that you lack romance, but I am not so sure. Some people just have a hard time in a committed relationship. If that is the case, no matter who you are with, you will have a problem. I sense that you get bored easily and you have an animated mind. 

We all have our first love, and the current spouse may not be the one that we loved the most. But, once married, you move on and decide to love your spouse despite any shortcoming. You are sort of fencesitting emotionally and nothing good will come out of it.


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