# Really messed up situation-PLEASE HELP



## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

My husband met almost 7 years ago while we were still married and were just friends...eventually it led to more and we both left our spouses to be with each other. 2 year later we had bought a house and combined families. A year later we had a daughter. A year and a half later, he cheated on me with a co-worker of his multiple times. I confronted him but he denied it. I wanted to believe him, so I let him lie to me. We wound up getting married 6 months later. 

Flash forward to last year, we were fighting all the time. I had just received a big promotion at work and was likely focusing too much on work. He kept accusing me of cheating and acting irrational. All the while, I was maintaining friendships, which I realize now may have led to my husband's insecurities-even though at the time they were completely innocent. 

In October of last year, I had an overnight training that I had to attend for work. And I wound up in the hotel room with one of my so-called MARRIED "friends" after going out drinking. No sex but inappropriate touching/kissing...but none the less-it was wrong. I wound up passing out in the room and woke up early the next morning. I panicked and ran back to my room. Shortly after I got there the hotel room phone started ringing....I didn't answer. Then my husband started calling my cell. I was defensive and rude to him. 

The next day, I told myself that was a one time mistake and it would never happen again. I came home and was I guess, TOO NICE to my husband so he suspected something because he asked me the next day. I was annoyed and confrontational. The fighting continued over the next week to the point where I asked for a separation. All the while I was still texting this other guy but at this point the texts were not inappropriate in nature. However, I realize they shouldn't have occurred -especially given what had happened. 

After my husband moved out, I went out drinking with my co-workers...and yes, that guy was there. We wound up at a hotel. No actual sex happened again but there was other inappropriate touching. When the guy took me back to my car, my husband was there waiting. I panicked and yelled at him. He tried to fight the other guy. I yelled at my husband in front of this other man. Eventually he allowed me and the other guy to drive off separately. After that night, my husband sent the other guy's wife a message on Facebook to which she didn't respond for months. 

My husband and I were separated for another month and a half after that point. During that time, i was texting the other guy and there were a few instances of kissing and a couple lunches. Eventually, I ended because well let's face it-it should have never happened in the first place. 

Shortly after husband and I eventually got back together - both of us not really knowing what the other had done. Well, about 3 months ago, the other guys wife finally saw the message and responded. She knew nothing about the night in October or any other night. I kept up my lying....my husband kept contacting the other guy to seek the truth. So, I decided to contact that co-worker from 3 years ago. She confirmed that they had an affair and I lost it. He eventually admitted it to me. I admitted what I had done as well a week later. 

The problem is know we have been fighting so bad that things have gotten physical. My husband is so angry at me for what I did that he can't even really address what he did. So, last night he left and went to a hotel. He said he despises me for what I did even though he knows what he did was wrong. I see what we both did and want to work things out. I love him dearly and realize I made a HUGE mistake that I will regret the rest of my life. 

I know this is all messed up..I know people are going to hate me. But please tell me what I should do. I need to keep it together for my daughter but it is really hard. This is so awful for her. I hate what we have done to each other.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Maybe I am rude but in your first Marriage you didnt think about your or your ex-husband Family so you Cheated on them and ended up with a Cheater. 

Now you are doing the same thing and you want to keep your Family together because of your little Daughter. Once again your Family was not on your mind when you went to hotel rooms or bars with other men. 

Your Husband is just like you. I think you deserve each other but I feel sorry for your kid.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

You guys are both serial cheaters so I don't really understand why either of you expected the other to never cheat again. Since things have gotten physically violent I'd advise that you guys stay apart for a while. Regarding you and the OM, I honestly don't believe it was just kissing and touching. No man is going to waste his time meeting up for make out sessions.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You may as well face it JD, you've never had the man/marriage you want. If you did, you wouldn't be perennially seeking out other relationships. Neither you or your future ex-husband have much romantic interest in each other. Be honest. If you could have a redo, would you still marry Mr. Wonderful. 
What you're marriage is milady, can be compared to the difference between renting and buying. When you buy you tend to take better care. That said, you need to give notice you're terminating the "lease" and vacating the premises before it gets even uglier.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You and your husband are serial cheaters. You both cheated in your first marriages and in your current marriage. There is a reason for that. If you want to try, you and your H will both have to get into intensive therapy as individuals and as a couple to find out why you both cheat. Then you'll both have to do years of very hard work to fix whatever is broken in you a seperate persons and as a couple.

Frankly, most people would probably tell you to leave. And I agree with them. Because it's hard as hell to get one serial cheater to fix themselves, much less two. Add into that the physical violence and I don't give the marriage much chance of success long term.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Marriage counseling is a good idea. 

You have to be transparent with each other and come up with clear expectations you both agree to.

Love is powerful. If you both truly want to be together, you can do it. But it has to be both of you working at it, not just you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> You guys are both serial cheaters so I don't really understand why either of you expected the other to never cheat again. Since things have gotten physically violent I'd advise that you guys stay apart for a while. Regarding you and the OM, I honestly don't believe it was just kissing and touching. No man is going to waste his time meeting up for make out sessions.


Agreed.

Serial cheaters cheating on cheaters.

_Serially._

Divorce and never re-marry.

Neither of you are marriage material.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> My husband met almost 7 years ago while we were still married and were just friends...eventually it led to more and we both left our spouses to be with each other. 2 year later we had bought a house and combined families. A year later we had a daughter. A year and a half later, he cheated on me with a co-worker of his multiple times. I confronted him but he denied it. I wanted to believe him, so I let him lie to me. We wound up getting married 6 months later.
> 
> Flash forward to last year, we were fighting all the time. I had just received a big promotion at work and was likely focusing too much on work. He kept accusing me of cheating and acting irrational. All the while, I was maintaining friendships, which I realize now may have led to my husband's insecurities-even though at the time they were completely innocent.
> 
> ...



**cough** Bullsh!t! Your H doesn't believe you and neither do we. You cheated on your last H, now you are cheating on the guy you cheated with and he is cheating on you...:crazy::slap:


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> **cough** Bullsh!t! Your H doesn't believe you and neither do we. You cheated on your last H, now you are cheating on the guy you cheated with and he is cheating on you...:crazy::slap:


I try not to throw stones at waywards because I am one myself. But....it does bother me when people say they wound up in a hotel room, or "it just happened". The reality is they want to be in the hotel room, and they wanted it to happen. I don't know, I guess I kind of feel its more insulting to pretend things happen by magic.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

You married a cheater. You're a cheater. You're reaping what you have sown. Please work it out and stay together so that neither of you can victimize anyone else.

Oh, and please drop the "just kissing and inappropriate touching" BS. Your hubby doesn't believe that, never will, and neither will anyone else. Scumbag cheating dudes don't meet women in motel rooms for touching.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

I appreciate any and all responses. However, to address the part that I am lying about actually having sex with that man - I am not. To provide details to support what I am saying - we were drinking both times and he wasn't able to. Doesn't make it better and yes, it likely would have happened if he had been able to. I spoke to his wife and explained this to her, which she didn't seem surprised by. So I assumed it was a problem for him when he was drinking. Either way, I regret what happened. 

Yes, obviously my husband and I are sadly serial cheaters from our past. I honestly had been going to counseling to work on myself and hoping that we could get "better". People can change. It takes hard work and I am more than willing to fix myself for myself and my family.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> I appreciate any and all responses. However, to address the part that I am lying about actually having sex with that man - I am not. To provide details to support what I am saying - we were drinking both times and he wasn't able to. Doesn't make it better and yes, it likely would have happened if he had been able to. I spoke to his wife and explained this to her, which she didn't seem surprised by. So I assumed it was a problem for him when he was drinking. Either way, I regret what happened.
> 
> Yes, obviously my husband and I are sadly serial cheaters from our past. I honestly had been going to counseling to work on myself and hoping that we could get "better". People can change. It takes hard work and I am more than willing to fix myself for myself and my family.


But you understand he needs to change, too, right? You cannot carry this marriage alone.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> I appreciate any and all responses. However, to address the part that I am lying about actually having sex with that man - I am not. To provide details to support what I am saying - we were drinking both times and he wasn't able to. Doesn't make it better and yes, it likely would have happened if he had been able to. I spoke to his wife and explained this to her, which she didn't seem surprised by. So I assumed it was a problem for him when he was drinking. Either way, I regret what happened.
> 
> Yes, obviously my husband and I are sadly serial cheaters from our past. I honestly had been going to counseling to work on myself and hoping that we could get "better".* People can change.*It takes hard work and I am more than willing to fix myself for myself and my family.


People can change...they just rarely do.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes, I do. He says since we've been married he has stopped his ways and that is one of the reasons he is so upset. I am torn because I am so desperate to save our marriage that I am basically overlooking what he did because of what I did. In some ways I agree with him - I was worse for what I did because we were married.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> I appreciate any and all responses. However, to address the part that I am lying about actually having sex with that man - I am not. To provide details to support what I am saying - we were drinking both times and he wasn't able to. Doesn't make it better and yes, it likely would have happened if he had been able to. I spoke to his wife and explained this to her, which she didn't seem surprised by. So I assumed it was a problem for him when he was drinking. Either way, I regret what happened.
> 
> Yes, obviously my husband and I are sadly serial cheaters from our past. I honestly had been going to counseling to work on myself and hoping that we could get "better". People can change. It takes hard work and I am more than willing to fix myself for myself and my family.


I do hope you change but given how you both ended your first marriages and began this one you are reaping what you have sown...I will never understand how people who cheat with each other can ever trust their AP not to cheat on them...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> Yes, I do. He says since we've been married he has stopped his ways and that is one of the reasons he is so upset. I am torn because I am so desperate to save our marriage that I am basically overlooking what he did because of what I did. In some ways I agree with him - I was worse for what I did because we were married.


Please do not let him blame shift. You both lost each other's trust. You both have to earn it back.

I think he loves you very much, and you love him. I wish he had your humility, though. It will take that plus transparency to rebuild your relationship.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Based on your story it doesn't seem like you have any idea what's appropriate for a married woman, and you seem to minimize things a lot:

"And I wound up in the hotel room with one of my so-called MARRIED "friends" after going out drinking. No sex but inappropriate touching/kissing...but none the less-it was wrong"

"All the while I was still texting this other guy but at this point the texts were not inappropriate in nature. However, I realize they shouldn't have occurred"

The texts WERE completely inappropriate in nature

"After my husband moved out, I went out drinking with my co-workers...and yes, that guy was there. We wound up at a hotel. No actual sex happened again but there was other inappropriate touching. "

"My husband and I were separated for another month and a half after that point. During that time, i was texting the other guy and there were a few instances of kissing and a couple lunches. Eventually, I ended because well let's face it-it should have never happened in the first place. "

You were in a FULL BLOWN AFFAIR again...

Don't minimize it, you weren't just texting a buddy, you were in a full blown affair, you didn't end up in the hotel room from drinking, you made a conscious decision all night to cheat. Then contacting him more via text, meeting up at bars. Face it, it was a full blown affair and it's likely not over yet. Odds are his number is in your phone and you're at the least trading texts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, dear.

Sometimes this kind of thing happen when, putting it politely, a marriage such as yours has a somewhat problematic beginning.

However, I think that you and your husband can get it together as a couple if you have individual and couple's counselling.

Oh, yeah. Something Jesus once said: 



> John 8. 10-11 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
> 
> 11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jd1116 said:


> To provide details to support what I am saying - we were drinking both times and he wasn't able to. Doesn't make it better and yes, it likely would have happened if he had been able to.


Just for clarity, you met him with the intent to fully consummate but he was unable?

In other words, you were fully willing, correct?

If so, you painting the picture that you stopped short is true to the letter of the law so to speak, but a clear violation of the spirit of it.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

I meant the texts weren't inappropriate at that time meaning they weren't of sexual nature or flirty. They were mainly gossipy about work related stuff. I do not believe they were appropriate because I should never have been talking to another man in any way. I do not deny that it was an affair. I do not have any contact with the other man and my husband has full access to my phone and all accounts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jd1116 said:


> Yes, I do. He says since we've been married he has stopped his ways and that is one of the reasons he is so upset. I am torn because I am so desperate to save our marriage that I am basically overlooking what he did because of what I did. In some ways I agree with him - I was worse for what I did because we were married.


That's not how it works. You were both as bad as each other. cheating before or during marriage is still cheating.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> What difference does it even make? She is a skeeze and should not be married to anyone.


Why calling her a name? How is it helpful?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Just for clarity, you met him with the intent to fully consummate but he was unable?
> 
> In other words, you were fully willing, correct?
> 
> If so, you painting the picture that you stopped short is true to the letter of the law so to speak, but a clear violation of the spirit of it.


She told his wife that, far. I do not see her denying anything.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> I meant the texts weren't inappropriate at that time meaning they weren't of sexual nature or flirty. They were mainly gossipy about work related stuff. I do not believe they were appropriate because I should never have been talking to another man in any way. I do not deny that it was an affair. I do not have any contact with the other man and my husband has full access to my phone and all accounts.


Did he give you access to his?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jld said:


> Why calling her a name? How is it helpful?


Because it support the "and shouldn't be married".


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I think the piling on at this point with the "it's hopeless you're both cheaters, stop marrying people" statements aren't much value, and calling someone a skeeze is just mean. Give her the benefit of the doubt, I agree it doesn't look good, but she wants advice on what to do, so give it to her.

My take on it was she doesn't seem to see the extent of the depravity of her behavior and what cheating does to the victim. I would also recommend she stop drinking and remain 100% transparent, maybe her husband comes around, maybe he leaves. It's his prerogative to leave if he decides that, he'll need time.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

He did. But when he left last night he changed his passwords to his email and personal bank account. He said he didn't want me to come to the hotel - just so things would calm down. I'm really messed up about this too and don't know what to think.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

jd1116 said:


> Yes, I do. He says since we've been married he has stopped his ways and that is one of the reasons he is so upset. I am torn because I am so desperate to save our marriage that I am basically overlooking what he did because of what I did. In some ways I agree with him - I was worse for what I did because we were married.


You have a better chance of surviving all this cheating than a situation where one spouse cheated and the other was the victim of the betrayal. In your situation there are no victims, only betrayers. That gives you common ground and nobody can claim moral high ground. In the typical cheater/victim dynamic the cheater ends up resentful in the long run because the victim has this moral high ground over them. The victim ends up resentful because they got victimized and there was no restitution to them for it. They just had to swallow the betrayal and move on. Their cheating spouse got to keep a faithful partner but all the BS gets to keep is a cheating spouse.

Your situation eliminates all that and puts you on equal footing. Both partners are betrayers and cheaters.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

knobcreek said:


> I think the piling on at this point with the "it's hopeless you're both cheaters, stop marrying people" statements aren't much value, and calling someone a skeeze is just mean. Give her the benefit of the doubt, I agree it doesn't look good, but she wants advice on what to do, so give it to her.
> 
> My take on it was she doesn't seem to see the extent of the depravity of her behavior and what cheating does to the victim. I would also recommend she stop drinking and remain 100% transparent, maybe her husband comes around, maybe he leaves. It's his prerogative to leave if he decides that, he'll need time.


You saw that he cheated on her, too, right?

She is the one here because she is the more mature of the two.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

The part where you keep going to hotels with your coworker but nothing happens makes me think your story has been edited a lot.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

jld said:


> You saw that he cheated on her, too, right?
> 
> She is the one here because she is the more mature of the two.


I don't have his side and like you said he's not here so why would I offer him advice?

He also cheated before marriage while they were dating and just divorced, no vows exchanged, still crappy but doesn't come close to an affair during marriage IMO.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Why calling her a name? How is it helpful?


Hey, she might not have known.

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

knobcreek said:


> I don't have his side and like you said he's not here so why would I offer him advice?
> 
> He also cheated before marriage while they were dating and just divorced, no vows exchanged, still crappy but doesn't come close to an affair during marriage IMO.


I don't think we can keep score in this case. You're dealing with two serial cheaters of low character. They seem pretty equal. That's why I think they can make it. They just both have to admit who they really are (it seems they both lie to themselves about that) and work from there.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

knobcreek said:


> I think the piling on at this point with the "it's hopeless you're both cheaters, stop marrying people" statements aren't much value, and calling someone a skeeze is just mean. Give her the benefit of the doubt, I agree it doesn't look good, but she wants advice on what to do, so give it to her.


Ok. Get into IC. Stop marrying people until you figure out whatever is up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> He did. But when he left last night he changed his passwords to his email and personal bank account. He said he didn't want me to come to the hotel - just so things would calm down. I'm really messed up about this too and don't know what to think.


Does not sound good. Transparency is essential for rebuilding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

knobcreek said:


> I don't have his side and like you said he's not here so why would I offer him advice?
> 
> He also cheated before marriage while they were dating and just divorced, no vows exchanged, still crappy but doesn't come close to an affair during marriage IMO.


They were living together. She confronted him before the wedding but he denied it. 

He is hardly clean in this. Probably just mad he got duped, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> Yes, obviously my husband and I are sadly serial cheaters from our past. I honestly had been going to counseling to work on myself and hoping that we could get "better". People can change. It takes hard work and I am more than willing to fix myself for myself and my family.



JD, be honest with yourself about why you and your "boyfriend" decided to get a room. Be honest with yourself as to why you and this cat stayed in contact through supposedly innocuous text messages. Be honest with yourself about going out to bars only to find the guy who previously explored your "forbidden places" and visa verse, just happened to be there. Your shooting everybody here, your old man, and yourself a line of shyt. You know it and I know it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Hey, she might not have known.
> 
> :lol: :rofl:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not funny. It is disrespectful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

snap said:


> The part where you keep going to hotels with your coworker but nothing happens makes me think your story has been edited a lot.


I believe you, OP. I don't know why you would come to an anonymous message board and not tell the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

IC may help you to establish better boundaries, but it won't change the fabric of who you are as a person. It seems that perhaps you are infatuated with the concept of monogamy, but you aren't truly a monogamous person. If that's the case, you should accept that a monogamous marriage is not an option. 

I do believe that people can change, but it takes a lot of hard work and a true desire to change. You have, up to this point, really just treated both of your marriages as temporary situations until you find someone new. Again, it may relate back to an infatuation with the "idea" of marriage. 

When two cheaters unite, it seems kind of obvious that the chances of one or both cheating goes up. He at least hasn't cheated since you said your vows, but I suspect that is little comfort to you. 

To address your immediate concerns, I think you need to have your husband go to IC as well. If he won't, you'll just have to show him that you are TRYING to be a better wife. I suspect one of the following will happen, both of which will eventually lead to divorce:

1) He will have a revenge affair. 
2) You will eventually cheat again. Maybe not next week, or next month, but eventually you will be in that situation and you'll do it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

They have both cheated twice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

This thread sounds really familiar to one that was on love shack a year ago. 

Sounds like you both deserve each other. 

Good luck.

C


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> I believe you, OP. I don't know why you would come to an anonymous message board and not tell the truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know, right?

It makes about as much sense as choosing to be a) a serial wayward or b) in a relationship w/ a serial wayward.

Let alone _both_.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

I am asking for advice. I expected insults so I am not too upset about that. How could I expect good advice if I wasn't being honest. I am not trying to sugarcoat anything. If my wording implies that- it was an error on my part. I was 100% wrong on my part and made decisions that I will regret the rest of my life.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jld said:


> It is not funny. It is disrespectful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who, exactly, is owed respect. People post on message boards for opinions. Honestly, if you blew smoke up my derriere the way you do so many other posters, I would not feel "respected".


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jld said:


> They have both cheated twice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is also a skeeze and should not be married.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I know, right?
> 
> It makes about as much sense as choosing to be a) a serial wayward or b) in a relationship w/ a serial wayward.
> 
> ...


It makes a lot of sense actually. SELF denial is the key to maintaining behavior that one does not REALLY want to give up. Self denial is the key to avoiding the feeling of being a bad person. She cannot tell the truth to anyone else that she has not told to herself.

The idea that the "situation" is messed up is absurd. You don't "wind up" in a hotel room with someone else, certainly not more than once!


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Wound up was a poor choice of words. I AGREED to go to a hotel with him.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> It seems that perhaps you are infatuated with the concept of monogamy, but you aren't truly a monogamous person. If that's the case, you should accept that a monogamous marriage is not an option...
> 
> it may relate back to an infatuation with the "idea" of marriage...
> 
> ...


This is what I'm kind of leaning towards. She appears to love being desired and the initial infatuation of a new relationship and doesn't enjoy monogamy (recipe for disaster). I suppose one can change that in therapy but it would be very difficult.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jd1116 said:


> I am asking for advice. I expected insults so I am not too upset about that. How could I expect good advice if I wasn't being honest. I am not trying to sugarcoat anything. If my wording implies that- it was an error on my part. I was 100% wrong on my part and made decisions that I will regret the rest of my life.


So then start making better decisions -- the kind that demonstrate commitment and loyalty instead of entitlement and selfishness -- and insist that your husband do the same.

If either of you is unwilling to do that, divorce will be the only reasonable solution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

knobcreek said:


> This is what I'm kind of leaning towards. She appears to love being desired and the initial infatuation of a new relationship and doesn't enjoy monogamy (recipe for disaster). I suppose one can change that in therapy but it would be very difficult.


Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Life getting difficult?

Adult responsibilities starting to drag you down?

Feel like blowing up your life over some minuscule and unimportant crap?

Head down the local bar and pick up some strange!

Because F#CK loyalty, integrity, and dignity... who needs that crap weighing them down?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> It makes a lot of sense actually. SELF denial is the key to maintaining behavior that one does not REALLY want to give up. Self denial is the key to avoiding the feeling of being a bad person. She cannot tell the truth to anyone else that she has not told to herself.
> 
> The idea that the "situation" is messed up is absurd. You don't "wind up" in a hotel room with someone else, certainly not more than once!


Agreed.

And I do hope that you picked up the sarcasm in the post that you quoted... because I was laying it on kind of thick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

JD, how many children are in this blended family and what are their ages?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

knobcreek said:


> I don't have his side and like you said he's not here so why would I offer him advice?
> 
> He also cheated before marriage while they were dating and just divorced, no vows exchanged, still crappy but doesn't come close to an affair during marriage IMO.


Hmm, if you found out your wife fvcked someone before you actually said I do do you think you'd still feel that way?

Still, given their history this is quite predictable. 

I think viewing hers as worse is problematic. .... he has no moral high ground here. He poisoned an already poisoned relationship early on. I don't see much hope for them if he doesn't get that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> Wound up was a poor choice of words. I AGREED to go to a hotel with him.


Given that, how has counseling been going? What are you trying to achieve in counseling? Do you you have set goals?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> She told his wife that, far. I do not see her denying anything.


In fairness, that may have only been my impression from her original post. The minimizing ("it just happened") is probably what led to that if in fact it was only my impression.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Agreed.
> 
> And I do hope that you picked up the sarcasm in the post that you quoted... because I was laying it on kind of thick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, Gus.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

We have a 3 year old daughter together. I have one 7 year old son from my previous marriage. My husband has a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year old son.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Marriage counseling has not been working honestly but there were a few times where we walked out feeling better for a bit. We fight more when we go. My husband and I have gone to individual counseling. I believe he was doing this to focus on our marriage last year from what we have discussed though. I could be wrong and don't know for sure. I have been working on myself and trying to become a better person.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> Marriage counseling has not been working honestly but there were a few times where we walked out feeling better for a bit. We fight more when we go. My husband and I have gone to individual counseling. I believe he was doing this to focus on our marriage last year from what we have discussed though. I could be wrong and don't know for sure. I have been working on myself and trying to become a better person.


What does a "better person" mean? What does a "better person" look like? What, precisely, are you trying to achieve. Did you counselor really take you on with a goal of being a "better person"?


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Better person is probably not the best description. But we talk about dealing with my trust issues, commitment issues, personal goals, relationship goals, mothering my children, personal struggles I have otherwise. Better meaning- I want to feel like I make right choices and not always wrong ones. I keep telling my counselor that there was a Seinfeld episode once where George felt like he always made the wrong choices. He starred to do the opposite of whatever he initially thought and things started happening. Maybe not so extreme but I feel like I almost at times should do something like that. 

And by the way....I just wanted to address something regarding the drinking. I rarely drink. I am a social drinking at best and even most instances of that don't get past one drink. Those days were obviously not falling into that category.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> We have a 3 year old daughter together. I have one 7 year old son from my previous marriage. My husband has a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year old son.


I feel sorry for the kids.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> I appreciate any and all responses. However, to address the part that I am lying about actually having sex with that man - I am not.


You are. You were having sex with him. Maybe not intercourse, but you were engaged in sex acts.

The only reason you didn't have intercourse is because the guy couldn't get it up. Not that you didn't try to help him get Mr. Softy up...right? So you were fondling him, probably performing oral on him in the desperate hope of turning Mr. Softy into Captain Woody. 

The fact that he was never actually able to get enough of an erection to actually "get it in" is such fine hair splitting it is laughable to me that you try to claim _"No sex but inappropriate touching/kissing...but none the less-it was wrong _."

You were wrong the moment you started flirting with the guy, and colossally wrong when you crossed the threshold of the room to be alone in a room with another man.

Ordinarily wouldn't give this advice to anyone, but you and your H should stay together, and figure out how to work out an open marriage type deal. You were both cheating when you met each other, and you are both now cheating again on each other. Neither one of you are built for monogamy. Get over the butt hurt that you were cheated on, find a way to live in an open marriage, and stay together. Nobody deserves the kind of pain either you or your H will bring into a new marriage when you both again cheat on your new partners.

Anyone who minimizes full blown sex with someone who just happens to not be able to get an erection as "inappropriate touching/kissing" does not have the capacity to be honest with themselves, let alone anyone else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
> 
> Life getting difficult?
> 
> ...


Unless this is an unconscious desire to blow up their relationship? There can be some very nasty dynamics in a marriage that came out of cheating. 

Unresolved guilt and the like.

Counselling will help I would hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

jd1116 said:


> Better person is probably not the best description. But we talk about dealing with my trust issues, commitment issues, personal goals, relationship goals, mothering my children, personal struggles I have otherwise. Better meaning- I want to feel like I make right choices and not always wrong ones. I keep telling my counselor that there was a Seinfeld episode once where George felt like he always made the wrong choices. He starred to do the opposite of whatever he initially thought and things started happening. Maybe not so extreme but I feel like I almost at times should do something like that.
> 
> And by the way....I just wanted to address something regarding the drinking. I rarely drink. I am a social drinking at best and even most instances of that don't get past one drink. Those days were obviously not falling into that category.


It might help if you list some concrete goals that you are working on. Principles you can follow and fall back on. What specifically have you done to show your husband you are sorry and that he is not responsible for your actions? He was wrong too, but using that as an excuse will get you nowhere.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You said you two were fighting a lot at the time of the affair, and he was accusing you of cheating. Why do you think you had the affair? Did you just feel you could not talk to your husband?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Clay2013 said:


> I feel sorry for the kids.


Ever see "Starship Troopers"?

Remember the shower scene? Remember one of the recruits mentioning that she enlisted so that it would be easier for her to get a license to have kids?

Let's start doing _that_.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I agree that his cheating prior to marriage does not make his affair and cheating any less worse than yours. In fact he actually had sex. But why not imagine that they are even, you guys are so messed up. He is a cheater...your a cheater and have owned it. Broken people cannot fix each other and be better people. I dont believe that the blind can lead the blind. But i do believe you all can get better.... But not together. 

He has pulled away. My gut says he is getting **** faced and banging chicks right now, because what does he do in his life already? He cheats. When his life is not going peachy he bangs someone. You were someone he was banging and USING just because life wasn't roses. But now your life is the real world and it turns out you (betrayed him) he feels just in pulling away. 

He already left one wife for a fantasy. He isnt actually going to work this out with you. He does not deal with life like that.... Sorry. He may come back for a while, but he will not be faithful anymore. I truly believe that. And when he believes he found someone he likes more and the fantasy life is going again, he will leave. For good. 

You on the other hand could take control here and tell him no...you should not have married. Had you known the facts about his affair you would not have married him (may not be true, but you should not have married so its a reasonable conclusion.) 

You are too busy nice'ing him back to you, "trying to say you can work it out and call it even"....Its not, Wont ever be. If you want this to work with him someday, you must stand up and say NO. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO THIS, file for divorce and tell him that his anger is understood, but not accepted if he cant accept yours equally. If this has come to violence its because you think you or he has more right to be angry. One does not trump the other at this point. 

Yes, you two have acted most shamefully. You say you were working on yourself but look you wound up in a hotel, It didnt magically happen. You let it. You guided it, with a married friend. You have never figured out what it is about you that lets you get CLOSE to so called friends. Your husband was a so called friend then lover then boyfriend then husband... So who is this friend that you are making out? He is like your husband was....this is your MO. 

You cannot have male friends. I jump to thinking that you like males around you and delude yourself into thinking your cool like that. You can have male friends that you talk and share on a level with...NOPE WRONG. You are not cool like that, you are hungry...hungry for the male attention. What i cant answer is to WHY? daddy issues? something? Only you can introspect. You need to figure out your whys.... but you and him i dont believe should work out. He is not going to be on the same page as you. 

I feel you will be doing all the work and getting hurt over and over. I think you get that you have personal issues. He does not... Not really.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

My husband and I both have personal issues - many stemming from our screwed up childhoods. Yes, I very much have daddy issues to be honest. Yes, I have realized that the man attention is what I was craving and have also realized I cannot be friends with men. I am working on these things and have haunted and neutralized my interactions with all men to ensure they do not come across as flirty in any manner. I really am trying. 

My husband has agreed to see me after work today to talk and see how it goes.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

My ex left me for a serial cheater. I believe he is one, as well, although he's only admitted to the one affair I caught him in.

This thread reinforces my belief that the two of them got exactly what they deserve.

It troubles me that you have so many young children whose lives you're about to blow up - some of them for the second time.

If you two truly love each other (I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the notion that it's possible to love someone you've cheated on repeatedly), I do hope you'll work it out. I agree with others here that that will require complete transparency on both your parts. If your husband isn't willing or capable of seeing that he also did a terrible thing to you by cheating on you, regardless of the fact that you weren't married at the time, it isn't going to work.

You also have to be 100% transparent. And that starts with you being 100% honest with yourself that what you were doing with that guy from work was intentionally having a full-blown affair. Then, it continues with you feeling true remorse for the devastation you have caused to your husband's psyche by doing that. As a couple others have said, you also should quit drinking, and quit going out to bars with your co-workers. Does this guy you had the affair with still work with you? If so, you should change jobs. I know that's not easy to do, but don't you think your husband would feel better if you never saw that guy again? Or any of your other coworkers who must have known you two were having an affair (trust me - we always know this about our coworkers) and were complicit in it?

As much as I loathe cheaters (and have to admit I've enjoyed some of the insults here), I wish the best to you and your husband because you have innocent young children involved.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes, my husband and I were fighting all he time and I felt I couldn't talk to him. We were also on opposite schedules so it was even harder. The majority of our interactions were negative. So when I started getting positive attention, I latched onto it. I know that was wrong and I should tried harder in my marriage instead of letting someone else in. 

I know it sounds bad but at times it feels like it wasn't even me. Like I was having an out of busy experience. I hate myself for what I have done.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nobody,
Name calling is prohibited. Post #19 is not ok. 





NobodySpecial said:


> Because it support the "and shouldn't be married".


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes he still works at my same job but not in the same office. I am currently looking really hard for a new job. I have been 100% transparent and have admitted to my husband that it was a full blown affair. 

And I also feel bad for all of our kids. They are the ones paying for his/my actions.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> Yes, my husband and I were fighting all he time and I felt I couldn't talk to him. We were also on opposite schedules so it was even harder. The majority of our interactions were negative. So when I started getting positive attention, I latched onto it. I know that was wrong and I should tried harder in my marriage instead of letting someone else in.
> 
> I know it sounds bad but at times it feels like it wasn't even me. Like I was having an out of busy experience. I hate myself for what I have done.


(((jd1116)))

No one is perfect, hon. The main thing is to get on a healthy path.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

I think my feelings echo others on here. You already knew he was a cheater and same for him regarding you. Everyone one of these relationships like this I hear about is always ending up the same.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Since you both are cheater and have a lot of issues why don't you two just agree to have an open marriage. That way you can each get what you "need" without the lies and deceit. Both of you have shown that you don't really believe in the "sanctity" of marriage so why not put everything out in the open. This will force you two to communicate more and may strangely help your marriage. At a minimum it will allow your kids to have the stability that comes from having two parents living in the same house.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Ever see "Starship Troopers"?
> 
> Remember the shower scene? Remember one of the recruits mentioning that she enlisted so that it would be easier for her to get a license to have kids?
> 
> ...


I was distracted during that scene by the visuals. Hard to concentrate on the dialogue. :wink2:


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I kind of agree an open marriage in this circumstance may be the way to go if you want to stay together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

niceguy28 said:


> Since you both are cheater and have a lot of issues why don't you two just agree to have an open marriage. That way you can each get what you "need" without the lies and deceit. Both of you have shown that you don't really believe in the "sanctity" of marriage so why not put everything out in the open. This will force you two to communicate more and may strangely help your marriage. At a minimum it will allow your kids to have the stability that comes from having two parents living in the same house.





knobcreek said:


> I kind of agree an open marriage in this circumstance may be the way to go if you want to stay together.


Terrible idea.

Successful open marriages require lots of open (there's that word again) and honest communication, and your dyed-in-the-wool serial wayward is anything but open and honest.

They'd have to do TONS of work to get to the point where this would be sustainable for them. But let's say they get to that point... what -- then -- would be the point?

Now... maybe they open up their marriage and get to the point where neither of them cares about who's sleeping w/ who... what does that net them in the long term? In what way does that model anything resembling a healthy marriage to their children?

And besides... you take a woman w/ this many Daddy issues and set her out in the wild, it won't be long before she finds a guy that says all the right things ("You're so amazing, I'd never share you...", etc), and then she's gone.

And then what was the point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Terrible idea.
> 
> Successful open marriages require lots of open (there's that word again) and honest communication, and your dyed-in-the-wool serial wayward is anything but open and honest.
> 
> ...


I understand but how is this worse than what the already have. They already have an open marriage just with lies. There kids don't have to know about this side of them. If they want to stay together as a family this might be the best option.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

niceguy28 said:


> I understand but how is this worse than what the already have. They already have an open marriage just with lies. There kids don't have to know about this side of them. If they want to stay together as a family this might be the best option.


That was kind of my take, I do get Gus's point, I probably do agree that she would meet someone who she fell for and eventually take off with him. But, like you said, it already is an open marriage they're just lying about it. At least this way it's in the open and the family unit can stay together.

I rarely agree an open marriage would work, and it would likely fail miserably in this case, but there's basically zero chance of both of these folks committing to monogamy for the rest of their lives so if they both agree, may as well try it, see if it works for them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

niceguy28 said:


> I understand but how is this worse than what the already have. They already have an open marriage just with lies. There kids don't have to know about this side of them. If they want to stay together as a family this might be the best option.


JFC.

Resentment will build.

Fights will continue, and worsen.

And, all the while, the lies and deception will continue.

Whether open, opaque, poly, swinging, or monogamous, if you can't model a loving, healthy marital relationship for your children, you're doing them an extreme disservice by continuing in your marriage.

Are you truly so concerned w/ "keeping the score even" that you can't see this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> JFC.
> 
> Resentment will build.
> 
> ...


Not sure what you mean by keeping the score even. All I'm saying is that since they are probably doomed anyway then they have nothing to lose and might want to give this a shot.


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## Confused in love (Jun 9, 2016)

Yeah....you two need to move on.
Make a vow to be a better loyal person and you might find one in return!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I disagree with all this open marriage talk. I do not think it is what the OP wants at all.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

niceguy28 said:


> Not sure what you mean by keeping the score even. All I'm saying is that since they are probably doomed anyway then they have nothing to lose and might want to give this a shot.


Again, terrible idea.

Tell you what -- the next time you're pumping gas and spill a bit on your hands or clothes, try cleaning it up by lighting a match.

That's basically what you're advising here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> I disagree with all this open marriage talk. I do not think it is what the OP wants at all.


I'd like everyone to know that I was banging my head on my desk as I clicked "Like" on ^this^.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

niceguy28 said:


> Since you both are cheater and have a lot of issues why don't you two just agree to have an open marriage. That way you can each get what you "need" without the lies and deceit. Both of you have shown that you don't really believe in the "sanctity" of marriage so why not put everything out in the open. This will force you two to communicate more and may strangely help your marriage. At a minimum it will allow your kids to have the stability that comes from having two parents living in the same house.


Because they don't want an open marriage.

Why not?

Because they want to be faithful to each other.

But they can't be faithful to each other?

No. They can't be faithful to each other.

And that is why it is a really messed up situation.

I am so sorry for the children. Because If they can't stop cheating for the sake of the children, they they really probably can't stop.

Such a sad situation.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

jld said:


> I disagree with all this open marriage talk. I do not think it is what the OP wants at all.


Sometimes people don't know what they want until fresh ideas are presented to them and they take some time to consider them. Instead of them being a pair of cheaters always sneaking around betraying each other, they can be a pair of swingers taking a walk on the wild side and living honest lives.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd like everyone to know that I was banging my head on my desk as I clicked "Like" on ^this^.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then take it off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> Then take it off.


I think he meant he was liking your post, but was very upset and frustrated with the OP and her husband and their situation. That they created themselves.

In an 










kind of a way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I think he meant he was liking your post, but was very upset and frustrated with the OP and her husband and their situation. That they created themselves.
> 
> In an
> 
> ...


Eh... not quite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Eh... not quite.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_












I wa trying to help! :grin2:


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

The other kids are with family right now. We just have our 3 year old. My mom and his mom is not able to take her for health and other reasons. 

And one person responded with some harsh comments about my daddy issues but honestly, I think that kind of bluntness helped a little. It was that kind of stuff that in my past has basically been my downfall. I choose the wrong men and let them treat me terribly. I'm obviously no walk in the park by any means but if I had a standard and stuck by it then I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jd1116 said:


> The other kids are with family right now. We just have our 3 year old. My mom and his mom is not able to take her for health and other reasons.
> 
> And one person responded with some harsh comments about my daddy issues but honestly, I think that kind of bluntness helped a little. It was that kind of stuff that in my past has basically been my downfall. I choose the wrong men and let them treat me terribly. I'm obviously no walk in the park by any means but if I had a standard and stuck by it then I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.


We can all make mistakes. 

But! You are here at TAM trying to get help to figure your s**t out and that takes courage.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

It's kind of frustrating because I feel like I'm getting a lot of unwanted advice like open marriages, swinging, etc. or being told nothing can fix it.

The fact that my husband left last night is probably the right thing for once. It was getting heated and our daughter was at home. He had the courage and strength to walk away when he knew nothing good was going to happen last night. 

He does have a temper on him that I don't react well to at times, which accelerates the fighting. 

I have many times been the one to walk away. But this time it was him. I think he is trying to save our daughter from the crazy chaos. I am torn because I want to make it work...he just can't even get to a point where he can try at times. He gets so angry when he sees the triggers whereas I get sad and have anxiety attacks.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm going to try a different approach...

You've discussed the state of your current marriage as it existed when you began your most recent affair; how closely would you say this mirrors the scenario in which you began cheating w/ your current husband in your first marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

jd1116 said:


> Yes he still works at my same job but not in the same office. I am currently looking really hard for a new job. I have been 100% transparent and have admitted to my husband that it was a full blown affair.
> 
> And I also feel bad for all of our kids. They are the ones paying for his/my actions.


Hopefully you won't have anymore. 4 is hard to take care of while trying to mend yourselves.

If your childhoods were messed up, please try not to mess up the kids futures. Maybe they will have a better chance of making lasting relationships than their parents.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> You guys are both serial cheaters so I don't really understand why either of you expected the other to never cheat again. Since things have gotten physically violent I'd advise that you guys stay apart for a while. Regarding you and the OM, I honestly don't believe it was just kissing and touching. No man is going to waste his time meeting up for make out sessions.


I agree completely......and even further on your last point.

Who is going to pay for a hotel room for 'inappropriate touching' (but no sex)?

That stuff happens in cars or (even) in the bar/club.

No one shells out 80 dollars or more just to have a heavy make-out session.

But ultimately, your first post is the most pertinent.....they are both serial cheaters will little or no realistic chance they will stop cheating on each other.

At least they are stuck with each other in this mess.....I'll bet both of their original spouses would be grinning ear to ear if they knew of these developments.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

2 adulterers blowing up their families to be with each other have and starting blended families have a high probability to end up in exactly your situation. You started your thread with down playing what you done sexually with your MM tells me of your lack of remorse. You're description of your MM as so called married, also tells us you don't respect the institution of marriage in general. 

If this new affair partner were willing to blow up his family as well, would you be willing to blow up your new family to try with this new guy? You supposedly didn't close the deal but if you did, can you imagine how attached you'd be to the new guy. Add a little future faking and I'd bet you would be willing to blow up family #2 if he were willing.

Luckily for your new kid, this new MM is not like your husband. Very few MM are willing to blow up their marriage to go set up shop with a cheating woman. 

You need to change jobs ASAP and go NC with this guy. Your husband will not feel safe knowing your still in contact with this guy. If no one here is buying your "I didn't have sex" story, you know damn sure your husband is not buying it.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

jd,

You could have posted at other sites that are much friendlier to cheaters, but instead you chose to post here. I have to give you credit for having thick skin. Not many cheating spouses can handle the 2x4s from the betrayed spouses here and they're going to give it to you straight with no sugar coating at all. Many cheating spouses eventually run off to their safe places.

You have received plenty of good advice and some not so good advice (open marriage, etc.). Take what you find useful and leave the rest. 

Many of these points have already been covered but here they are:
1) You have poor boundaries so it's best to not have male friends at all. 
2) Send a no contact letter to the other man. Let your husband read it and have him mail it.
3) Stay away from alcohol and hotels if you can avoid it.
4) Find a new job.
5) Both you and your husband need MC. If he refuses, that's a problem. It's about give and take, it's about compromise so one way or another, get him into MC.
6) Get to a point where you feel true remorse for the pain and devastation you both caused your ex spouses. Having empathy for them will help you avoid going down that road again.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You and your then boyfriend bought a house together, had a child together and then he cheated and, to make matters worse, lied about it. You two were committed to your relationship and then he blew it up. He set the tone for your marriage. He has to take responsibility for his part of the current situation. He doesn't get to cheat and lie and try to deceive you into marriage and then act all butt-hurt when the roosters come home to roost.

He needs to man up and have a genuine, heart-felt discussion with you about the future and how you both will conduct yourselves. This can be saved if both of you are honest and take full responsibility for your actions.

Ask him how he thinks you felt when you - in your heart - knew he had cheated on you and lied about it. He's acting like you were a virgin and he's lost his prize.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

-If you still want to be married with him then take responsibility for your own actions. Same goes for your Husband. Dont blame it on alcohol,Daddy issues or anything else.

-End all contact with your male friends,co-workers,anything that have peni.s between his/her legs. Same goes for your Husband.
-Change your Job because OM or OMs are working with you. Same goes for your Husband. 
-Apologize to him and look for a good therapist for both of you. Instead spending money on hotel rooms just give your therapist a nice check. If you dont want to do this for yourself then do it for your little Daughter.
-Talk,talk and more talk with him. 
-Both of you need to change and I mean a lot. Ask him what he thinks about Marriage and what it means to him.

If you still want to R then you have to know it takes time. Your problems are not going to be solved in one or two weeks. It will take you one or two years,maybe even more. 

Stay strong my Lady.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You and your H need to straighten up and fly right FOR YOUR CHILDREN!

You sound like two immature people who are so self-absorbed that you live in a constant soap opera of your own making. And you bring innocent children into this mix. You two focus relentlessly on your 'needs' and 'happiness' and 'attractions to other people,' when healthy spouses and parents would be concentrating more appropriately on the effect of such dysfunctional egotism on their impressionable children.

Honestly! Grow up!

This is not 'The Young and the Restless.' You both need attitude adjustments so that you can respond positively to IC. You need to commit to becoming responsible parents and partners. You do it individually and then maybe you can work it out together. First IC and then perhaps MC.

In the meantime, put your eyes on the real prize, which is the kids that you can screw up royally with your behavior.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you really are in no position to be in a long term relationship with anyone at this point. You should really go and try to fix whatever is broken in you so you make better choices. Until you do that all the love in the world is not going to help you have a successful long term relationship. You could both forgive each other tomorrow and truly forget what happened and your broken thinking would still lead you back down this path. 

Seriously work on you, that is all you can control at the moment and you need to do it before you will be successful anyway.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

jd1116 said:


> The other kids are with family right now. We just have our 3 year old. My mom and his mom is not able to take her for health and other reasons.
> 
> And one person responded with some harsh comments about my daddy issues but honestly, I think that kind of bluntness helped a little. It was that kind of stuff that in my past has basically been my downfall. I choose the wrong men and let them treat me terribly. I'm obviously no walk in the park by any means but if I had a standard and stuck by it then I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.


I am sorry that my advice was harsh. But i am not sorry about the helping. 

I really think YOU should be your focus. The fighting is indicative of an entitled state of mind. Entitled to anger etc. Your husband still thinks he has more right to anger and maybe you do as well. You guys are "right fighting", instead of fighting for your marriage. As long as there is "right fighting" or FIGHTING at all about this, your marriage is going the down ward direction.


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