# Blended families - Meeting BF/GF's kids and dealing with the ex



## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Hello TAM!

I did post an issue or two on here before, and everyone here has been so helpful that I thought this would be the best place to ask this. Being in my first "adult relationship" and having been kind of sheltered my whole life (due to, what I suspect, a possibly NPD and overprotective mom / family), I've been trying to learn the ropes of being in a successful relationship, and most importantly, compromise and patience. I've had two long distance relationships before this one, but none of them were serious enough to progress into anything past boyfriend/girlfriend. It hasn't been an easy road for my boyfriend and I, and we've had to work through our fair share of issues, but he does make me a better person in the end. This might be a little long, but I'll try and tell the whole story to give a better picture of what's going on.

My boyfriend has been divorced for over 4 years now, with a 9 year old son. He and I have been together for 1 year and 3 months. I have no children of my own, never been married. I am in my late 20s and he is in his early 40s. I'd say we are relatively serious, we've talked about engagement and marriage in the future. However, he and I aren't ready for marriage at this point in our lives. He felt like he rushed into marriage with his first wife (married her after 9 months and they had a rough marriage and divorce. Interestingly enough, his ex-wife has a similar personality to my own mother, who is divorced as well) and he's determined not to make the same mistake again. I believe in taking things slowly anyway...with a minimum 2 years of dating before engagement/marriage...and since I just graduated from graduate school, I'm in the process of studying for my licensing exam in 6 weeks (!) and getting a job. I want to become financially independent and settled in my own life before I can seriously consider marriage at all. Both of us are pretty sure about the other, though, and it's really just a matter of time.

Now, with that said, how long is it appropriate to wait to meet his son? I'm his first serious relationship since his divorce, and he has not introduced any of his ex-girlfriends (post-divorce) to his son. He told me at the very start that he wouldn't introduce anyone unless he was absolutely sure he'd have a future with her. I do respect that, a lot, as a child of divorce myself. 

His son knows about me, knows my name, and knows I'm his girlfriend. We had started to make plans for me to meet him before the end of the year, and just last month, his son was pretty gung-ho about meeting me, telling my boyfriend he wanted to meet me and make sure I was good for his father. My boyfriend also told me he was about ready for me to meet his son. However, just a few days ago, my boyfriend asked his son if he was still interested in meeting me. He said his son just told him "I don't know if I'm ready", and said he was joking about saying he wanted to meet me last month. It made me wonder if he told his mother, the ex-wife, and she discouraged it (she would, if she's anything like my own mother). He honestly seems like a well-behaved and nice kid, I did talk to him on the phone once or twice, and we have similar personalities/interests, from what my boyfriend tells me.

My boyfriend gets his son 2 evenings in the weekdays, and then every other Saturday and part of Sunday. I take that time to see my family and friends, and catch up on schoolwork / job searching / studying.

What should I do? Just give it a little more time and be patient? Part of me doesn't mind waiting at all, and another part of me wants to meet his son so I can see how they get along, and how I get along with his son. I'm always thinking about the future and I guess I don't want to wait so long only to find out his son and I can't get along (for whatever reason) and it's going to cause big problems in the relationship. I also want to have adequate time to get to know his son, and for him to be comfortable with me. And, maybe this is my overactive brain acting up again, but what if his son is never ready to meet me? My boyfriend said he wants to give his son a little more time, that eventually his son will have no choice but to meet me if we are to get more serious, but he didn't say how long. He did say he will bring it up to his son again in a few weeks, and will continue to do so. 

I know my boyfriend isn't hiding me. I go to his apartment all the time. He's introduced me to his mother, his sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews and niece. I get along with his 11 and 10 year old nephews and 2 year old niece very well. Again, thankfully, as his family despised his ex-wife, and still do to this day. I've also met his friends. His ex-wife is engaged to another man and is getting remarried next year. My boyfriend's son has met his ex-wife's fiance and the two of them get along pretty well. He and his ex-wife have a relatively civil relationship, thankfully for the son, but I do wonder if that will change once she finds out about me (she knows he has a girlfriend, but that's it, she doesn't know how long we've been together. And my boyfriend told me that she flew into a jealous rage when her older son, from a previous marriage, got a girlfriend, and when her own father got remarried).

So I've been trying to be understanding about it all, as I know all too well what his son is going through, having been through it myself. If his son has to come over unexpectedly or the ex-wife drops the kid off early, I have to pretty much pack my stuff and bail from his apartment. If I'm going to his house on a day he has his son, I have to wait until the son leaves his apartment before I go in. I understand why I have to do it, although a little part of me feels slightly hurt that he feels he still has to hide me from his son after this long. 

I understand there are people who introduced their SO, both earlier and later than my boyfriend and I have been together. Just wondering, for those of you in blended families, how long did you wait until you introduced, or were introduced to the kids? And if your kids and your SO didn't get along, how did you handle it? And if the ex wife/husband (if they are in the picture still) gave you problems, how did you handle that, also? Thanks so much in advance for your answers and advice!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I introduced my daughter to my h within a month because I was falling hard and I wanted to be sure we all got along before it was too late to end it. 
We just told our kids we were friends for a while. It was kind of funny bc we were sleeping at each other's houses with kids present and months into it I said something about him being my boyfriend and she was shocked. She was four at the time. 
I wish you luck. You ate right it could be the mom who isn't ready and she is influencing him. I don't see the harm in meeting if he already knows you are together/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

If he is still hiding you from his son and you have to bail every time the son comes over, your boyfriend is not as serious about you as he has led you to believe. 

It sounds like there is too much of an age difference and your boyfriend seems to be taking advantage of the fact that you are sheltered. A more experienced woman would never put up with this. I was with mostly older men before I was married and I know that some of them like to prey on naive younger women. 

I know you love this man, but actions speak louder than words. If your boyfriend wants to marry you down the road, why would he hide you from his son? It just doesn't make sense.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Thanks for the replies! I actually talked to him again on Saturday night, when he was with his son, and his son jumped on the phone and said to me "When are we going bowling?" before giving it back to his dad. So we have plans with his son and his sister this coming weekend to go bowling together. My boyfriend told me yesterday that his son seemed really excited about it. So hopefully the first meeting goes well!

He tells his son that I'm just a friend, but his son insists that he knows I'm his girlfriend. I personally think that my boyfriend should just tell him the truth instead of beating around the bush, but hey, it's his son and it's not my place to tell him what to do with his child.

Again, thanks for the replies!


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

It could be a situation where the ex-wife is doing a bit of behind the scenes manipulating of his son. The son could then be feeling a loyality bind. He doesn't want to meet you because he might like you and then this might upset his mother. Its hard on the kids and they will always be loyal to their mother first and foremost. I know this from experience.


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