# He’s not down to get down?



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

I always read about husbands’ frustrations with their wives not wanting to have sex but we seem to have the opposite problem. We’ve been married four years and I’m ALWAYS game to get it on, if my husband had it in him, we’d be doing it twice daily. He’s just not all that interested. When we first got married (he’s my first and only partner) it was more 3-4 times a week. Then when we had fertility issues trying to get pregnant and it was maybe twice a week and then when I got pregnant with twins it was never times a week. Had the kids. Didn’t have sex for basically almost two years (although I offered him oral which he often rejected). I was overweight by like 10 lbs after having kids and I’ve lost most of the baby weight more recently. But he still pushes me away or preemptively tells me he’s tired before bed. Even before we had kids he just would literally push me away. He won’t kiss me unless it’s foreplay and even then it’s like two min and he gets it in, climaxes three seconds later then spends an hour jabbing me with his almost lifeless knob. I’m so frustrated!! I feel like I’m going to implode. We have a lot of issues (unresolved) that may make him feel like he doesn’t wanna bang me but honestly, all issues aside can’t we at least be **** buddies since we are sticking it out together anyway?? Am I crazy to still want that?? Ladies, what have you done in this situation? And gentleman, why doesn’t he want me?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Dear OP
This isn't nearly as unusual as you might think. Women tend to not talk about it as much but there are a lot of women who are constantly being rejected by their partners. If you search for other threads, look for LD / HD (low desire / high desire) and somewhere a thread on "the sex starved wife". 

That it is common doesn't make it any less miserable. A number of us here are living in marriages with badly mismatched libidos and we know just how big a problem this is. 

Its worth looking at any possible medical causes first because some of those can be fixed. How is his health? Is he on any medications - in particular anti-depressants can completely kill some people's sex drive. Any other medical issues, stress etc?

What sorts of issues do you have with him? (that probably isn't the cause, but its worth investigating anything to try to find a way to fix this).

You will probably get lots of comments here. For some people this has been a life-long problem.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I don't know why he doesn't want you.

Does he watch lots of porn?

Sucks being in a mismatched sexual marriage. Believe me I know first hand.

Its gets harder and harder not to let the resentment buid up.

Sorry I wasn't much help


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He needs to get a medical check up his testosterone levels my be very low or he may have other issues. It may be that he is masturbating to porn and some men who do that eventually cant even have normal sex with a woman. if he does this then it needs to stop and he will have more desire for you.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The sex starved wife thread is in the Ladies Lounge.

Sometimes I think there are more sex starved wives than husbands, I swear. But it’s probably about even.

There are lots of possibilities. All of them are mentioned in that thread.

Good luck.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OP - Instead of offering possible reasons, first question, have you actually spoken to him about this? We can all speculate what may be the issue, but honestly without knowing if you guys have discussed this (and if so what was his rationale) it is hard to give appropriate advice.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Chicitymama said:


> Then he spends an hour jabbing me with his almost lifeless knob. I’m so frustrated!!


Oh, boy....

What a sight that must be. 
An accurately, rubbery graphic horror, to be sure.
God forbid any woman saying that about any man. Yikes!


Answer:

Divorce.
Time for a new man.
Time for a climb up onto a new Pikes Peak.

He has a problem and has no interest in fixing it.
He is either getting his rocks off elsewhere [OW, porn] or he is broken.
Broken and not willing to be repaired. He is already 'fixed'.

He likely will never change. Or cannot.

Sorry for your situation.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Any man can be repaired, they can.

But only if he 'chooses' to do so.

And the wife/gf is game.

It takes two to to inter-twine, to inter-act, to inter-course.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So you either get terri-bad sex or no sex at all in a relationship that has other issues, too? And you stayed? And deliberately got pregnant with this man? Good God, why?!?!

And this is why I would never suggest marrying the only person you've ever slept with. A sexually experienced woman would have put up with a couple rounds of "being jabbed", took a look at the relationship in it's entirety, and then moved on to a better overall relationship that includes at least half decent sex.


----------



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

EllisRedding said:


> OP - Instead of offering possible reasons, first question, have you actually spoken to him about this? We can all speculate what may be the issue, but honestly without knowing if you guys have discussed this (and if so what was his rationale) it is hard to give appropriate advice.


I have spoken to him dozens of times. Both seriously and as a joke and he just gets embarrassed and blows me off. Sometimes he’ll blame me and say it’s bc he knows I’m tired from being with the kids all day so he’s being nice and not bothering me *eye roll* and other times he will act like he’s in the mood when he KNOWS I can’t say yes (i.e. I haven’t slept in a couple days and the girls finally are sleeping so I can catch a couple hours, or I complain of a bad migraine). Mind you this doesn’t happen often. He’s very secretive and he is working on his PhD and always in the basement “studying.” When I do go downstairs quietly and unannounced he DOES quickly switch windows and he thinks he’s slick and I can’t see the frantic clicks and the reflection of the changing screen in the window he sits next to. I’ve not come out and accused him of watching porn but I have asked him how he can go months without sex without going crazy. And again he just blows me off with like ok I gotta go take a shower or i gotta go do such and such. Thank you all for your replies. I will check out the ladies lounge. Sucks that this is such a prevalent problem these days.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

what are the issues that might make him not want to have sex with you?

the only real issue i ever had with my wife that caused me to turn her down for sex was her belittling me on a regular basis or her not keeping up with her hygiene...

lack of basic respect just ticks me off and lack of basic hygiene just turns me off. both easily fixed.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I can only speak for my own experience.. but long-time porn and masturbation kind of turned me into your husband... although i would never turn down oral.... sex, i would when my desire was low because i had just ejaculated at some point that day.

Since quitting porn/masturbation i have flipped 180 in my desire/initiation department... (although ive done other things)


So what im getting at is.. maybe he is masturbating & watching porn -> Killing his desire for you and really messing up his expectations on what real sex is like


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Steve2.0 said:


> I can only speak for my own experience.. but long-time porn and masturbation kind of turned me into your husband... although i would never turn down oral.... sex, i would when my desire was low because i had just ejaculated at some point that day.
> 
> Since quitting porn/masturbation i have flipped 180 in my desire/initiation department... (although ive done other things)
> 
> ...


this. this is the most likely answer so far. either that, or he has some hidden resentment towards you?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The changing windows on his computer does sound like porn. 

In my opinion, if someone is watching porn rather than having sex with their partner, then they have a real problem - but of course they may not recognize that. 

Any chance he is watching gay porn? 

What are your feelings on porn in cases where it doesn't interfere with a couple's sex life? Can you tell him that you are OK with porn but not when it is replacing you? 

This is really difficult and there may not be anything you can do to fix it because you are not the one with the problem. 










Chicitymama said:


> I have spoken to him dozens of times. Both seriously and as a joke and he just gets embarrassed and blows me off. Sometimes he’ll blame me and say it’s bc he knows I’m tired from being with the kids all day so he’s being nice and not bothering me *eye roll* and other times he will act like he’s in the mood when he KNOWS I can’t say yes (i.e. I haven’t slept in a couple days and the girls finally are sleeping so I can catch a couple hours, or I complain of a bad migraine). Mind you this doesn’t happen often. He’s very secretive and he is working on his PhD and always in the basement “studying.” When I do go downstairs quietly and unannounced he DOES quickly switch windows and he thinks he’s slick and I can’t see the frantic clicks and the reflection of the changing screen in the window he sits next to. I’ve not come out and accused him of watching porn but I have asked him how he can go months without sex without going crazy. And again he just blows me off with like ok I gotta go take a shower or i gotta go do such and such. Thank you all for your replies. I will check out the ladies lounge. Sucks that this is such a prevalent problem these days.


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Gay.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Resentments, hygiene, weight gain, boredom- not the problem.

He is addicted to porn and you could confirm that by some clever snooping.

Healthy men don't stop having sex unless they are getting it elsewhere. Porn is very easy to access and most men nowadays have no self control, sadly.


----------



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> what are the issues that might make him not want to have sex with you?
> 
> the only real issue i ever had with my wife that caused me to turn her down for sex was her belittling me on a regular basis or her not keeping up with her hygiene...
> 
> lack of basic respect just ticks me off and lack of basic hygiene just turns me off. both easily fixed.


So this is a huge issue between us. He always says that I don’t respect his family bc I have told him that his mom doesn’t like me. I’ve never spoke ill of her, just that she doesn’t like talking to me and she’s not very friendly to ME. He’s a mamas boy so im sure he harbors a ton of resentment with that. I actually Resent him too for a whole plethora of other reasons BUT I still need to have sex and he’s my husband therefore the only source to fulfill that need. So resentment or not, why would it be so difficult to just do? Even if it’s angry sex, that’s ok!!!! I 

have always taken care of him (honestly, more than he really deserves) and when I had the girls out of pure exhaustion and limited resources and bc I started to just got sick of giving and him taking what he wants and rejecting what he doesn’t, I quit being the “super wife” and making his lunches or waking up with him before he goes to work to make his breakfast. I always make dinner and I do my best to clean the house. Showering once a day was and is always a must (although admittedly when my girls first left the hospital, I was gross for a good month just trying to survive twins on my own). I don’t think that’s the problem. Honestly before having kids I always dressed sexy at home for him and he would barely notice. Now, bc over the years it has become clear he doesn’t care if I’m in an uncomfortable mini skirt and halter top or my pajamas, I’m in clean pajamas at home. I can’t keep jumping through hoops and begging him. It’s kinda humiliating.


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

You two sound like you have the M/F roles reversed. His feelings are hurt so he doesn't feel sexy (typically female emotion) and you just wanna get some, which has nothing to do with the emotions (typically male viewpoint). So maybe I missed it, but what is he upset about? That you're not as in love with his Momma as he is? Tell him to grow a pair! She'll always be his Mommy, but you're his Lady. Two separate kinds of love. I still think he's looking at gay porn in the basement. Not that there's anything wrong with that.... other than it's messing up your relationship.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Ok, let me try again. Good God, the sex you describe sounds terribad, why on Earth do you want to have more terribad sex? I understand being a high drive female, I am one myself, but having sex that sucks isn't a solution. You just end up even more frustrated. So, what gives? Why are you complaining about not getting really bad sex? It's like going to a restaurant and saying "This food is awful and the portions are too small!"

The man is bad at sex that he doesn't even want to have in the first place. You cannot fix this and he doesn't care to. Stop. Just stop. Either accept him as is or seriously think about divorcing and finding a guy with a functioning libido who actually knows what he's doing.

I think I'd start off the next conversation with "You know the lack of sex is a problem. You know the quality of sex is a problem. Either you see a doctor for a full check, including hormones, get into counseling if it's a mental block, and start ****ing me right on a regular basis, or I am getting a lawyer, filing for divorce, and finding someone who will." End of. 6 months and no change, stop wasting your life and get out.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Chicitymama said:


> So this is a huge issue between us. He always says that I don’t respect his family bc I have told him that his mom doesn’t like me. I’ve never spoke ill of her, just that she doesn’t like talking to me and she’s not very friendly to ME. He’s a mamas boy so im sure he harbors a ton of resentment with that. I actually Resent him too for a whole plethora of other reasons BUT I still need to have sex and he’s my husband therefore the only source to fulfill that need. So resentment or not, why would it be so difficult to just do? Even if it’s angry sex, that’s ok!!!! I
> 
> have always taken care of him (honestly, more than he really deserves) and when I had the girls out of pure exhaustion and limited resources and bc I started to just got sick of giving and him taking what he wants and rejecting what he doesn’t, I quit being the “super wife” and making his lunches or waking up with him before he goes to work to make his breakfast. I always make dinner and I do my best to clean the house. Showering once a day was and is always a must (although admittedly when my girls first left the hospital, I was gross for a good month just trying to survive twins on my own). I don’t think that’s the problem. Honestly before having kids I always dressed sexy at home for him and he would barely notice. Now, bc over the years it has become clear he doesn’t care if I’m in an uncomfortable mini skirt and halter top or my pajamas, I’m in clean pajamas at home. I can’t keep jumping through hoops and begging him. It’s kinda humiliating.



ok... yeah, none of what you just said sounds like normal reasons for a man to turn down sex. its possible that he has some medical issue, or self esteem issue, or whatever issue. but, none of it matters since he doesnt seem to care how much it hurts you to deny you a fulfilling sex life with a loving partner. 

if i were in your shoes, this is what i would do: i would find a lawyer and file. i would inform him that i am filing for divorce because i do not want to be married to someone who doesn't desire me or care about me enough to even make any attempts at pleasing me or making me feel desired. i would tell him that i WILL be in a relationship where i feel wanted, loved, and desired, with or without him. and then follow through, with or without him.

the fact that your husband resents YOU for his own mother treating you poorly tells me all i need to know about what kind of a man he is...


----------



## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

Honey...I feel your pain. 

I'm going through the same type of situation.

I'm a Scorpio...and a very passionate person. Well that's been pretty much non existent these days. I completely understand where you're coming from.

It's time to do something about it...as hard as it may be. I feel for you. Just know you're not alone.

I'm gonna sit my husband down today. Our daughter is at school...it's time to address this issue head on...I'm over it. I love him, but I need more than love.

Good luck to you...


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Chicitymama said:


> So this is a huge issue between us. He always says that I don’t respect his family bc I have told him that his mom doesn’t like me. I’ve never spoke ill of her, just that she doesn’t like talking to me and she’s not very friendly to ME. He’s a mamas boy so im sure he harbors a ton of resentment with that. I actually Resent him too for a whole plethora of other reasons BUT I still need to have sex and he’s my husband therefore the only source to fulfill that need. So resentment or not, why would it be so difficult to just do? Even if it’s angry sex, that’s ok!!!! I
> 
> have always taken care of him (honestly, more than he really deserves) and when I had the girls out of pure exhaustion and limited resources and bc I started to just got sick of giving and him taking what he wants and rejecting what he doesn’t, I quit being the “super wife” and making his lunches or waking up with him before he goes to work to make his breakfast. I always make dinner and I do my best to clean the house. Showering once a day was and is always a must (although admittedly when my girls first left the hospital, I was gross for a good month just trying to survive twins on my own). I don’t think that’s the problem. Honestly before having kids I always dressed sexy at home for him and he would barely notice. Now, bc over the years it has become clear he doesn’t care if I’m in an uncomfortable mini skirt and halter top or my pajamas, I’m in clean pajamas at home. I can’t keep jumping through hoops and begging him. It’s kinda humiliating.



These are some serious issues that I do not believe you are taking seriously enough.

A man may have "angry sex" with some drunk chick he picks up in a bar.

But an angry, bitter and disrespectful wife in your house is a boner- killer. Ain't gonna happen.

You have serious marital issues that will require either some intensive MC or simply working out an ammicable divorce.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> These are some serious issues that I do not believe you are taking seriously enough.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I definitely picked up on a disrespectful vibe in her post. Calling him a mommas boy and that he gets way better than he deserves. I’m sure he feels it in person even more. And apparently she only wants him because they’re married and he’s the only legitimate option. Yuck. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Chicitymama said:
> 
> 
> > So this is a huge issue between us. He always says that I don’t respect his family bc I have told him that his mom doesn’t like me. I’ve never spoke ill of her, just that she doesn’t like talking to me and she’s not very friendly to ME. He’s a mamas boy so im sure he harbors a ton of resentment with that. I actually Resent him too for a whole plethora of other reasons BUT I still need to have sex and he’s my husband therefore the only source to fulfill that need. So resentment or not, why would it be so difficult to just do? Even if it’s angry sex, that’s ok!!!! I
> ...


I agree and we have both recognized that we have serious issues and have contemplated divorce on many an occasion. What we both came to realize though is we have a mutual love for our daughters and they love spending time as a family (they’re just toddlers) and neither of us wants to deprive them of having us all under one roof. So we try to make each other happy and we keep failing and missing the mark. He doesn’t even try in this department though. Believe me you, I am taking our issues seriously it’s just a rock and hard place right now.


----------



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

WorkingOnMe said:


> oldshirt said:
> 
> 
> > These are some serious issues that I do not believe you are taking seriously enough.
> ...


I’m not disrespectful TO him. But yes I can be disrespectful ABOUT him because I need to vent somewhere so I don’t be a jerk face to him. And yes I only want him bc he’s my husband and your statement doesn’t make a lot of sense bc I would only have sex with him. Actually we are the only partners either of us has ever had so I think it’s fair to expect that your spouse will honor that dependency we have on our each other to meet physical/emotional needs. My husband thinks that going to work and paying the bills is the extent of his responsibility toward me and I don’t agree. I could work and pay half the bills but he’d pay a fortune for childcare and a cleaning lady and take out. In person, I am not an angel but I am not mean to him. I take care of him and our home and our children and I don’t belittle him or make light of topics that are sensitive to him (much like this one). I can’t say he offers the same treatment in return and that’s why I said he very likely doesn’t deserve all that i do for him bc if you knew the intricacies of our marriage you would likely agree with that statement.


----------



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

Jlynn17 said:


> Honey...I feel your pain.
> 
> I'm going through the same type of situation.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. How did your talk go? This thread has me thinking a lot about having a big talk to address these issues but I don’t have the energy to rock the boat right now (my little ones are teething).


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Chicitymama said:


> I’m not disrespectful TO him. But yes I can be disrespectful ABOUT him because I need to vent somewhere so I don’t be a jerk face to him.


That's just semantics. 

The fact is you do not respect him as a husband, father and man. You are resentful and bitter towards him and do not have the love and honor towards him to the degree that will enable a loving, affectionate and intimate relationship. 

I'm not pointing fingers at you or blaming you. Perhaps much of that is his fault and by his own doing. 

I am simply pointing out fact. You are assuming that since he is a man, he will be down for sex no matter your attitude towards him and I am pointing out that that is simply not the case at all. 

A man will have no more interest in sex with a woman who holds him in disdain and bitterness than he would a dead cat laying along the side of the road. 

You may be one hot mamma that has men drooling and lusting after you as you simply walk down the street. But if you have a husband at home that you view as dog poop in the treads of your shoes have disdain for him and do not respect him as a man, he could not get it up for you if he had a crane. 

This is a serious relationship issue. Both of you are at risk of simply throwing in the towel and walking out the door one day and that may occur over one misspoken sentence by the other. And both of you are at risk of falling for someone else. That also could occur over something as little as a simple flirtation or display of respect and admiration. And if that were to occur to either one of you, you would be out the door in as long of a time as it takes to pack a bag. 

Your marriage is currently on life support gasping for each breath. If you don't get definitive care immediately, one of you is going to be coming home to an empty house one of these days and it is just a coin toss as to which one will hit the front door first.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Steve2.0 said:


> I can only speak for my own experience.. but long-time porn and masturbation kind of turned me into your husband... although i would never turn down oral.... sex, i would when my desire was low because i had just ejaculated at some point that day.
> 
> Since quitting porn/masturbation i have flipped 180 in my desire/initiation department... (although ive done other things)
> 
> ...


yep.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Chicitymama said:


> I always read about husbands’ frustrations with their wives not wanting to have sex but we seem to have the opposite problem. We’ve been married four years and I’m ALWAYS game to get it on, if my husband had it in him, we’d be doing it twice daily. He’s just not all that interested. When we first got married (he’s my first and only partner) it was more 3-4 times a week. Then when we had fertility issues trying to get pregnant and it was maybe twice a week and then when I got pregnant with twins it was never times a week. Had the kids. Didn’t have sex for basically almost two years (although I offered him oral which he often rejected). I was overweight by like 10 lbs after having kids and I’ve lost most of the baby weight more recently. But he still pushes me away or preemptively tells me he’s tired before bed. Even before we had kids he just would literally push me away. He won’t kiss me unless it’s foreplay and even then it’s like two min and he gets it in, climaxes three seconds later then spends an hour jabbing me with his almost lifeless knob. I’m so frustrated!! I feel like I’m going to implode. We have a lot of issues (unresolved) that may make him feel like he doesn’t wanna bang me but honestly, all issues aside can’t we at least be **** buddies since we are sticking it out together anyway?? Am I crazy to still want that?? Ladies, what have you done in this situation? And gentleman, why doesn’t he want me?



- You have a healthy high sex drive HD and even when pregnant you wanted to give him oral.....wow:smthumbup:


- You only gained 10 lbs baby weight which is nothing at all.


- Sounds like he is LD or scared of getting you pregnant again?


- He could have hit that age were his testosterone levels have dropped enough his sex dive and energy levels are really starting to affect him.


- When us guys hit our 40+ years, that's when everything goes downhill a lot. Energy levels, sex drive and you name it.


- This hit me hard in my late 30's, so I started taking testosterone and human growth hormone and my energy levels are back, weight training hard again, feel like my 20's and my sex drive is back.


- That could be his situation.


- If I had a wife like you, fit, high sex drive, I'd be one happy and appreciative man and having sex 2x day no problem.:grin2:


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

It sound counter intuitive but divorcingvwhen the children are younger is easier on them in the long run!

Staying together for the kids is just problematic on so many levels that don't show up until years later.

My advice. Start looking for a job if you have no job skills start getting some ..go take classes ,get your real estate license, x ray technoligist, something !

Then get divorce everybody will be happier in the long run.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Chicitymama said:


> I could work and pay half the bills but he’d pay a fortune for childcare and a cleaning lady and take out.


That attitude right there IS A boner killer. Sounds like to me, he'll pay one way or the other.


----------



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> Chicitymama said:
> 
> 
> > I could work and pay half the bills but he’d pay a fortune for childcare and a cleaning lady and take out.
> ...


Well I don’t know what to say. We are mismatched in more ways than this post reflects. There are negative feelings both ways but again we agreed when I was ready to jump ship with our kids that we will stay for the kids and try to work things out. Am I odd for still needing to have sex with all of the clout between us? And why is it a bone killer for him but I’m still horny af? And who are these men whose emotions lead their boners? This is so the opposite of everything I’ve ever understood and exactly why i just can’t wrap my head around my conundrum.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Chicitymama said:


> Well I don’t know what to say. We are mismatched in more ways than this post reflects. There are negative feelings both ways but again we agreed when I was ready to jump ship with our kids that we will stay for the kids and try to work things out. Am I odd for still needing to have sex with all of the clout between us? And why is it a bone killer for him but I’m still horny af? And who are these men whose emotions lead their boners? This is so the opposite of everything I’ve ever understood and exactly why i just can’t wrap my head around my conundrum.


Sounds to me like the 2 of you need to sit down and have a "come to Jesus" meeting. You say that the two of you came to an agreement. Sounds to me like it was words to placate each other.

On the "boner killer" comment. In the face of being extremely blunt, some men would **** a squirrel if they could catch it. Some would not. Some are perfectly happy with duty sex. Some are not. I am one of the ones who would not. 

It has nothing to do with emotions, and everything to do with standards and level of respect shown to me.

Dont mean to be so crass, but I don't candy coat things.


----------



## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

Hi there! this is my first reply to anyone as I am new to the community. But so excited to jump in and talk about this with yall. 

I am blown away by this. Its almost hard for me to imagine that there are women like this out there but hey I am just one guy but wow I would love to have his problem. I would take my time and do things right and drive it wild toward the finish! 

I wish I knew why so to help you but I can't figure out why I am unwanted and rejected in my marriage also. 

Sounds like he just needs to work on you before he gets going but he just comes 1 time? I feel so blessed right now but what does it matter if anyone is when they cant share their passion or even express it.


----------



## Chicitymama (Jan 22, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> So you either get terri-bad sex or no sex at all in a relationship that has other issues, too? And you stayed? And deliberately got pregnant with this man? Good God, why?!?!
> 
> And this is why I would never suggest marrying the only person you've ever slept with. A sexually experienced woman would have put up with a couple rounds of "being jabbed", took a look at the relationship in it's entirety, and then moved on to a better overall relationship that includes at least half decent sex.





MJJEAN said:


> Ok, let me try again. Good God, the sex you describe sounds terribad, why on Earth do you want to have more terribad sex? I understand being a high drive female, I am one myself, but having sex that sucks isn't a solution. You just end up even more frustrated. So, what gives? Why are you complaining about not getting really bad sex? It's like going to a restaurant and saying "This food is awful and the portions are too small!"
> 
> The man is bad at sex that he doesn't even want to have in the first place. You cannot fix this and he doesn't care to. Stop. Just stop. Either accept him as is or seriously think about divorcing and finding a guy with a functioning libido who actually knows what he's doing.
> 
> I think I'd start off the next conversation with "You know the lack of sex is a problem. You know the quality of sex is a problem. Either you see a doctor for a full check, including hormones, get into counseling if it's a mental block, and start ****ing me right on a regular basis, or I am getting a lawyer, filing for divorce, and finding someone who will." End of. 6 months and no change, stop wasting your life and get out.


You are right but it’s more complicated than that. We do have kids together and although he’s not my favorite person in the world, we are committed—even if it is just for the little ones. We were both virgins when we got married and neither of us did anything prior to the wedding night (which is a story in itself, for another day). So Terribad or not, he’s my only real life reference so I accept it and I figure out ways to get satisfied during (before the jabbing redundant jabbing). I know maybe it doesn’t make sense why I want it this way but I do. I just want to figure out a way to get him into me.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Chicitymama said:


> I just want to figure out a way to get him into me.


I get trying to stick it out for the kids. I'm a veteran of that particular war, myself. I think what you're missing here is that you can't get him into you. He's either not into sex, not into you, or both. This isn't something you can fix. HE has to fix it IF it's even something that could be fixed at all. Just because you're a female and he's a male doesn't mean he is sexually attracted to you or that he wants to have a sex life with you. 

You'll drive yourself squirrely trying to figure out how to manufacture sexual attraction and an interest in sex that just doesn't exist.

Also, consider what you're showing the kids. Children live what they learn. You're teaching them that a shyte marriage is normal and that you're supposed to be miserably incompatible.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Chicitymama said:


> You are right but it’s more complicated than that. We do have kids together and although he’s not my favorite person in the world, we are committed—even if it is just for the little ones. We were both virgins when we got married and neither of us did anything prior to the wedding night (which is a story in itself, for another day). So Terribad or not, he’s my only real life reference so I accept it and I figure out ways to get satisfied during (before the jabbing redundant jabbing). I know maybe it doesn’t make sense why I want it this way but I do. I just want to figure out a way to get him into me.


If he doesn’t like you or worse, how can he be into you. 

I believe he is getting his fix elsewhere. That is why he can go with out sex with you. 

Why are you staying in the marriage. Do you really want your girls growing up watching how dysfunctional the two of you are with each other. Why not divorce and find someone that actually cares for and desires you? Find a healthy relationship so your girls can grow up seeing what a healthy relationship looks like.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

When you get this figured out, let me know.

Have you tried counseling?

I have the same problem with my wife.

We go to counseling and I find out the she knows the counselor from where she works.

She, the counselor is already good friends with my wife. I should realize how hard the work situation is and not expect any relations on days she has to work. Do not have relations at night because she can't sleep after. If we have relations in the morning, she hurts. Can't seem to get to a counselor that is not on her side. forget about days that she works, evenings and mornings. 

Hope you find a solution. I do not do anything other than normal. Seems like more reasons not to, than reasons to get intimate.

Now some of her family is going to come live with us. It never ends. 

I wish I had a solution for you and for me.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

harrybrown said:


> When you get this figured out, let me know.
> 
> Have you tried counseling?
> 
> ...


Holy Crap!

That's a serious conflict of interest and a massive breach to the ethics and standards of the counseling profession. It's one thing for your wife to try to stack the deck, but for a trained counselor to go along with it? Holy Crap!


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> When you get this figured out, let me know.
> 
> Have you tried counseling?
> 
> ...


Holy unethical horse**** batman!


----------

