# Having opposite sex friends?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I've read certain posts where spouses do not "permit" their husband/wife to have opposite sex friends.

I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on this and where they stand in their relationship with the idea of their love having opposite sex friends.

Personally, I've always had mostly male friends. All my very good friends are male. When I was single and in previous relationships, I would think nothing of having an evening out with a group of male friends (I would do now but a tiny baby is limiting my social life somewhat!) I used to share a house with one of these friends.

If my OH told me he didn't want me to have male friends... I'd tell him where to stick that idea! He isn't phased by it, although he does say that as a guy, he can't believe that nothing EVER happened between me and my old housemate. I was always told I was an honorary boy - although looking back I'm not so sure that was a compliment!:scratchhead:


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that it is inappropriate for me to have female friendships that exclude from my wife and for her to have male friendships that exclude me.
We do have a few single friends, male and female, but they are _our_ friends, not mine or hers. I would never go out with a female friend or group and she would never go out with a male friend or group.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I've always been the tomboy with the skirt and I laid it out for my husband in the start. Men are more fun and I relate to them better than I do women so I have always chose to have male friends. I think that people like myself that like to have opposite sex friends ideally should have a spouse with very solid self esteem & trust in you. 
I try to keep open with my husband about my male friends such as coworkers, and even invite them out with my husband and I on snowboarding trips and such so that he knows my friends too. That way, he can get a better sense of the type of relationships that I have with other men & feel more confident in allowing me the generous openess to have op. sex friends. Soooo many people out there get jealous or paranoid about this concept, so I know I have it lucky with him. Some say that it opens too many doors to infidelity but in my book, anyone could run out and get some booty these days anywhere... it's all about trust & rules set up by both parties in the relationship!!!


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

I think it depends what you did normally prior to your relationship. I've never had close friendships with men that I wasn't dating. I've only been situational friends with men - at work or hobbies I would always talk to certain men (married or not) more than others, but never any exchange of phone numbers/emails or seeing each other outside of the activity. But I don't particularly want lots of friends, so basically either I wanted to date a man, or have nothing with them.

My husband didn't have close female friends. Just girls who were part of their group or dating his friends. 

So, we do have the rule of no close opposite sex friends, because that would be playing with fire for us, since it's not something we'd normally do.

But if it's always been that way for you, then I can see it not being a problem. I think you would have to be careful though, if you were having trouble with your relationship, not to vent to the male friends or start comparing them to your partner.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Male friendships for women can lead to an EA then to a PA. There should not be a reason for you to be alone with male friends without your husband or many other people about. If the discussions with those male friends ever turns to yours or their relationships or toward sexual topics, a red flag should go up and you tell your husband as well as cutting contact. The same shoudl apply if you start to feel closer than a general friend. Your husband would have a very good reason to feel jealous in any case. Do you want to hurt him? Does it mean that much to you that you would ignore his feelings just to have that friend? If it does, you shouldn't be married.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DanF said:


> I think that it is inappropriate for me to have female friendships that exclude from my wife and for her to have male friendships that exclude me.
> We do have a few single friends, male and female, but they are _our_ friends, not mine or hers. I would never go out with a female friend or group and she would never go out with a male friend or group.


This I also agree with. I have a few male friends, I talk to them MORE than my husband does when we get together- so we obviously feel a closeness, but Never would I consider going out alone with them, nor would they feel it is appropriate. I feel that is a healthy boundary issue in marraige. It is about Respecting your spouse, most would not be comfortable with their significant other desiring to hang with the opposite sex alone or with a group -without them. It simply would play on their minds. And it should. Males + females getting together, usually = some form of attraction, that could lead somewhere down the road, especially if the marraige falls on hard times. 

Women can generally hang with "just being friends" MORE so than guys I would say. I live with a house full of men, Men tend to be a little more selective and animalistic in this regard-because their minds are consistently on sex. I know my older sons are like this, and my husband was also. If they have zero phyiscal attraction to a girl , they want nothing to do with her, in fact they will ignore her personal texts , to the point of being rude. Only those who they might want a potential relationship with, now these are the women they are openly more friendly with. 

Just a guy thing .


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Women can generally hang with "just being friends" MORE so than guys I would say. I live with a house full of men, Men tend to be a little more selective and animalistic in this regard-because their minds are consistently on sex. I know my older sons are like this, and my husband was also. If they have zero phyiscal attraction to a girl , they want nothing to do with her, in fact they will ignore her personal texts , to the point of being rude. Only those who they might want a potential relationship with, now these are the women they are openly more friendly with.
> 
> Just a guy thing .


I'm a guy and I agree. Even if a guy says he is just friends with a woman, there is still some level of attraction. I've known guys to have a relationship with a girl and say they were just friends. they did everything you would do if you were dating except for sex. Personally, I don't get that. I think the guy would be willing to take it farther if the girl would give the ok.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband doesn't like the idea of me having male friends. 

He knows that I like to talk to men, he says he likes to talk to women, too. But we can only have open conversation out in public, can't be at a close friendship level. He doesn't like it if men try to talk to me through private messages on forums. He says I can say whatever I want out on forums, but no private messages or emails with men! 

I am fine with it, I try to look for interesting topic to talk with both men and women. But I noticed I check threads at men's club much more often!

In my real life, I feel uncomfortable when men are around! Too deep Chinese culture influence!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i have a male friend. he is my husbands friends friend first, and hes a good friend so i adopted him as well...lol.

me and him are petty close. we talk about girls, and parents, and sex, and jobs. all three of us hang together, but me and friend will wonder off together in a store. i would not cheat with this person....EVER.

we have known friend for 10+ years, and my kids love him like an uncle. me and friend have not "went out" alone, but he has been over to our house before husband got home from work.

we facebook, and talk all the time on the phone. husband knows all of our talks, and i think its nice when you can have a good friend for years, and you all consider yourselves related.

if everyone involved is ok with it, then its ok, if one person dosent trust another, then it wont be a good friendship. if jelously and anger and mistrust are there from the get-go, then it might not be a good match.

just my thoughts..........


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

We don't have friends of opposite sex. It makes life so much easier.


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## lunalady (Aug 11, 2010)

DanF said:


> I think that it is inappropriate for me to have female friendships that exclude from my wife and for her to have male friendships that exclude me.
> We do have a few single friends, male and female, but they are _our_ friends, not mine or hers. I would never go out with a female friend or group and she would never go out with a male friend or group.


I also agree with this. My husband used to have a female friend who made my life hell at that time. They would go on coffees twice a week. My husband always said that it's strictly platonic, but I'm sure if it were up to her it wouldn't have been. She ignored me every single time we were in his circle of friends together, and he didn't have the courage to tell her to f*** off. In the end I made him choose, and he chose me. She's a friend of his other friends and I can't stand the thought of her. So because of that, I don't hang out in that circle anymore. Sad, because my social life so became non-existent since we moved to his part of the country. Needless to say I hate the idea of friends of the opposite sex, and I don't have any male friends either.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

southbound said:


> I'm a guy and I agree. Even if a guy says he is just friends with a woman, there is still some level of attraction. I've known guys to have a relationship with a girl and say they were just friends. they did everything you would do if you were dating except for sex. Personally, I don't get that. I think the guy would be willing to take it farther if the girl would give the ok.


Hmm interesting! My old male housemate, we were very good friends. He was certainly a ladies' man and always had female attention. We always got on like a house on fire but he was quite clear if anyone ever implied anything that he in no way found me attractive but I was a good friend, and I never thought of him like "that" either.

I read your post to my OH and he wholeheartedly agreed with you I pointed out the glaring error in that how was that ok when I have guy friends, does it depend on the guy friend in question? He said not so much, he knows my friends and trusts them that they wouldn't make a move on me, it depends on the female in question- if you trust her then it's fine.

He's either very complacent or very self-confident!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Opposite sex "friends"?

Only a good idea if one considers temptation, resentment, and affairs also good ideas for a marriage. 

SimplyAmorous point is not to be missed. Sure, it's "possible", but better be done as she does, with eyes wide open and boundries firm in place.

My wife of 21 years, of course she is "permitted" to have any friends she chooses. 

And if she choose to hang out regularly with a group of men friends without me, she would also be "permitted" to be shown the door and "permitted" to use it and not let it hit her rear on the way out.  

However, she agrees with my not subtle opinion on the opposite sex "friends" so it is not an issue, and in fact she expresses instead how she loves how jealous I am of her.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I have had male friends who I have never had any interest in other than friendship. If they wanted more than friendship they never expressed in any way that I know of. 

My husband has a few friends, he's not a chipper easy going dude who is easy to get to know. He never had a close female friend. But then again he only has a few male friends. He is very much a loner, so any new, sudden close friend, male or female, is out of character for him. 

I have always been way more social than him, and have always had friends of both genders.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Opposite sex "friends"?
> 
> Only a good idea if one considers temptation, resentment, and affairs also good ideas for a marriage.
> 
> ...




You two share the same viewpoint. That is good. Out of interest, are you considering this from the perspective of if your wife suddenly started having male friendships rather than continuing friendships she already had when you met? 

Personally, I would be horrified if my OH didn't want me to have male friends. From where I stand, I don't have their friendship because they are male, but because I like their company, we share interests etc, just as with my female friends. I would hate for my OH to be jealous- in fact if he didn't know said friends already when we met, I have always tried to encourage a friendship between my OH and male friends if I thought they'd get on well.

As for the hanging out with a group of male friends, I know these guys well, some will meet up with girlfriends/wives during the evening who join the group, OH might come along and join us later, or not depending on what he's doing. To me it's a group of old friends hanging out, having drinks and chatting, and I've never had reason to think anything sinister about it.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

DanF said:


> I think that it is inappropriate for me to have female friendships that exclude from my wife and for her to have male friendships that exclude me.
> We do have a few single friends, male and female, but they are _our_ friends, not mine or hers. I would never go out with a female friend or group and she would never go out with a male friend or group.


:iagree:
I don't think it has anything to do with confidence, or the lack of. There isn't another man I'd rather hang out with other than my SO anyway. If I had a male friend (and I DID, but had to sever that friendship b/c he started having strong feelings), we could ALL hang out together. Wouldn't even want to without my sweetie. The desire just isn't there.


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## SteppingStones (Dec 20, 2010)

I have always tended to have an easier time getting along with guys than girls. Sure I've had a few female friends along the way, and every once in a while we'll hang out but my best friends were guys.

Before I got married, I met a guy and he was my best friend for 2 years. We once went out on a "date" but that was the extent of it - we both knew we were better off as friends. We had fun, hung out all the time, and talked about everything -- until I met my now husband. 

I never thought about how awkward it is to have a best friend that is a guy until my hubby and I started seriously dating. I remember one time we were all at a friend's house and I felt sick over the idea of having my boyfriend and my best friend at the same house at the same time. 

Now I no longer speak to my ex-best friend, because I got married. And it would not have worked to have them both in my life - as if turns out my friend was the one who walked away from the friendship after we had an argument - and now I think it was for the best. It gave me the opportunity to make my then boyfriend - now husband - into my best friend. 

That doesn't mean I automatically now get along with females. I still prefer to talk to and associate with guys. I prefer my husband's guy friends over my own friends most of the time and I have a friend that is a guy at school that I work on assignments and labs with. But NEVER would I EVER go out anywhere one on one with any of them. Not that I'd ever develop feelings for these guys -- I am devoted to my husband  But I feel that it is inappropriate for me to spend time outside of school or work or a group social setting with any guy that is not my husband, my brother, or my dad. It just LOOKS bad and can lead to jealousies and suspicions even when they aren't valid.

Likewise, I dont' care if my husband talks to women at work or out in public - but I WOULD MOST DEFINITELY care if he were going out to eat or doing fun social things with these women without me present and especially if they are women I don't know personally for myself.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I echo everything Stepping stones just said too. I can't seem to help the fact, if I am being really honest with myself, I have always enjoyed talking, hanging with the boys/guys more than the girls. Men seem less judgemental & more forgiving somehow to me.

I started pretty early in my youth, my very 1st best friend in life was a boy, he taught me how to ride my bike, we used to climb trees together too. When I started spending nights at my girlfriends houses, I seemed to enjoy their brothers more half of the time, we became close too. Even my best girlfriend today, I accualy enjoy her oldest son more than her, he comes to visit us more even, always calling our house, calls me Mom. What can I say. Men are great, I love them. 

But yeah, Boundaries are surely needed.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> But yeah, Boundaries are surely needed.


I've been thinking about this. My OH is completely fine with me having male friends, chatting to male friends on the phone, meeting them both with him and without him as part of a group or just me and the friend in question.

Thinking about it, it probably makes a difference that the majority of these friends, he already knew as part of our larger social group anyway, so he knows a lot of them well independently of me. I suspect it would be a different case were I to bring a new male friend into the mix though.

My OH has never expressed any feelings for me to restrict such friendships, or behave differently because I am with him. In fact he often teases me about how it might look if I'm out with such-and-such a friend I have never felt the need to have boundaries in the sense of not going out alone with a friend. I do understand other people's boundaries and find it interesting how others view such friendships within their lives and in relation to their marriage.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Pretty much all my life I was a staunch believer in a possibility of a male-female friendship and only friendship.

Until this conversation I had about a year ago with a very good friend and neighbor (let's call him John). My husband and I have known him and his GF very well for close to 8 years now. John is in his late 60's and has been living with his GF - who is my age BTW - for those 8 years. That day John was drunk, he just had a fight with his GF (they often fight in front of us). My husband and John's GF left to a pharmacy or something (middle of the day, mind) and I stayed with John. 

Now John, when he is drunk, quite often starts crying about how he loves his GF but she is such a b*tch, yadda yadda. After years of knowing him it's apparent to anyone that it's a routine thing for him. So this particular time, I chimed in, commiserated and started whining about my relationship (how I love my husband, but this is what bothers me, blah blah). 

I don't remember what exact words John used, because I was in such a shock, but he visibly "sobered" up for a moment and told me that I am a great girl, etc., etc., but he is "not into me". I felt as if I just got slapped in the face. I was literally dazed. The "wha-wha-wha-WHAAT??" reaction. A guy in his 60's, who could very definitely be my father, he's known my husband and I for years and he figured I was hitting on him?? Talk about complete and utter disillusionment.


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## rdrunner29 (Jan 20, 2011)

Early in our relationship this issue came up. My then GF told me that she wanted me to meet a male friend of hers that she had known for a long time. This would be my second time meeting him, the first time was in a group setting with friends of mine and friends of hers, and he ignored me the entire night. He just sat there and kind of glared at me.
My wife told me that it was out of character for him as he is usually very outgoing, so she arranged for me to meet him again, just the three of us.
We got to the place before he did, and were enjoying each others company prior to his arrival. Once he got there, the two of them chatted about things that I had no idea about, and she was getting upset with me for not getting involved in the conversation. Of course, just like the first time meeting, he ignored me the entire night.
Towards the end of the night, he made a comment that he should come and visit him in New York, as she was already planning a trip there with her mother. She quickly agreed to do this. 
I do not know what it was, but this really made me upset, something about the vibe that he was putting off. She told me that after this event, he would call from time to time where she worked to ask her to meet for lunch, and she declined everytime.
I tried to befriend him myself, and invited him to various things, but he never showed any interest whatsoever in getting to know me.
This caused a lot of discussion between my wife and I. She agrees that his behavior has been rather odd, and she has slowly but tactfully cut contact with him.
After this, I conclude that women are more than capable of having opposite sex friends, it is just single guys that have a hard time with it. Or, at least this one particular guy! Haha


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

My Hubby and I do not do the opposite sex friendships. I don't want to complicate things and this works for us. We do have couples that we go out with, but that is the extent of it.


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## LSU Fan (Dec 31, 2010)

ME and my W both have friends of the opposite sex. I think it comes down to trust and KNOWING and UNDERSTANDING that my wife LOVES me and friends are nothing more than friends, male or female


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## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

My beloved and I are in agreement; friends of the opposite sex are fine - as long as the other spouse is included.

I would never consider going out with a male friend if my beloved were not invited. Ditto for him.

If I were in a chat room, IMing another man, I would show him the messages and we would chat together.

He regularly chats with another woman and I'll say "tell Sasha I said "hello" or something. I don't feel the need to hang over his shoulder to see what she's saying.

I guess we trust each other because we've never given each other a reason NOT to trust each other. Maybe that's the key.

- the shiksagoddess


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