# Questioning the choices I've made



## Michael_SL (Apr 22, 2021)

Hi, it's my first time here in the forum, thanks for having me. English is not my native language, so please bear with me. 
I'm currently going through a crisis in my marriage, and it would be great if I could just be able to write what's on my mind, since unfortunately I can't talk about this personally with anyone at the moment.

I'm in a relationship with my wife since 2005, we moved in together in 2011 after finishing college and we married in 2015. We have what I believe to be a very beautiful story together, she had been a high school crush of mine and all was well until some things started to show up.

In 2012, while I was doing a nightshift, someone used my credit card. After asking her if she did use the card, I went to report the case to the police. To be fair, I had told her that she could use my card if there was any need, but I assumed that she would tell me if she did so. I remember the officer asking me if I was sure it couldn't have been her, so I asked her again. I then had an appointment at the police, and it was suggested that she should be present too. I thought the issue was an important one, so I told her the date and the hour and was convinced she would show up. You can obviously see where this is going, not only didn't she show up, but she never admitted that she used the card until many years later and never in a direct way. I think this might have been a crucial event in our relationship. At the time I took the decision to hang on and continue to be with her. What I didn't realize at the time was how I began to use this event as an excuse for every time I needed to justify myself for anything. I just could not truly trust her any more.

I began to suspect that she was going through some weird stuff and might need help when she started to ask me to drive her to different places, supposedly for work. I believed that she frequented college to become a vet, and she managed to live a double life (because in reality she never finished college), but convinced me and many people around her, including colleagues at the same university. We married in 2015 and things became clearer when she noticed that I was becoming more and more intrigued and finally told me that she had been working in real estate after working as a vet but not liking it/having difficulties at work. She told me that having finished her vet course had been important to get her job in real estate. I thought "ok, well it's a shame that she wouldn't trust me with that, but let's move on". I began lying to some people around me, telling them that she was working as a vet whenever they asked how things were going, to cover her story.
Financially, she was always very reluctant to share her earnings with me or to have a joint bank account. I thought this might have been because she was ashamed about all the situation and I always paid rent and the other regular bills at home without questioning too much.

We went through time periods where we wouldn't be very close to each other regarding intimacy, where having sex less than once a month would be the norm.

In 2016 we lost a child due to spontaneous abortion, which was a sad event that made us grow together in our grief. In 2017 we had our first daughter and our second daughter was born in mid-2020.

The lockdown-period in the beginning of 2020 drove us further apart. She was pregnant at the time and since I work in healthcare, we decided that she would move out for some weeks with our oldest daughter, to reduce the risk of exposure, which lasted for about one and a half months. 

A month before our second daughter was born, I found out a couple of things I had been suspecting some time before. I collected evidence that she never finished college and that she asked for a personal loan at various banks in the end of 2019, which she never took as far as I know. When I started to do some maths, I found out that if she had put aside at least 10% of her income during these years, not only would no loan be necessary, but she would also have been able to contribute with some savings for our family, which she only sporadically did. As I said before, rent and regular bills were always paid by me. I only confronted her after our youngest daughter was born and I felt that nothing really changed, apart from some change in her attitude towards me, which at times was very cold and avoidant.

I feel miserable. To be completely honest, I have met someone else meanwhile and began questioning everything I feel. I don't want our daughters to suffer from all this mess and think the right thing to do can only be to assume the consequences of the choices that I have made during this years - after all, I had the opportunity to finish our relationship more than once when I found out something was way wrong, but didn't. It's difficult for me to talk about this with anyone because meeting someone else would always be seen as the cause of the problems, when in reality I see it more as a consequence.

I know there is no straight answer because there is also no direct question from my side, but having the opportunity to write my story and what I’m feeling without being judged is somehow comforting, thanks for that.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

First things first -- DO NOT cheat on your wife with this "new" person. You need to make decisions for YOU, not because someone else is peaking your interest.
Second, your wife has had a completely HIDDEN life while living with you -- not honest about job, not honest about school, not honest about finances, etc.. If she has hidden this much, what ELSE has she hidden? What did she do while she was at school, etc.? Have you checked her phone/phone records? Have you checked her emails, etc.? If she cheated/is cheating, you should be able to find that out (NOT saying she is -- just saying you should check it since she is so secretive).

What does SHE say when you confront her with all this? WHY? That could be VERY enlightening, but honestly expect her to lie about all of this. Before you confront her, look into things (phone, etc.) -- find any of her financial records. She may have a TON of debt that you know nothing about (conversely a lot of $$ squirreled away someplace).



Michael_SL said:


> after all, I had the opportunity to finish our relationship more than once when I found out something was way wrong, but didn't.


There is no time limit for this stuff -- it obviously has been bothering you since you found out --- and it was never resolved to your satisfaction (and may be continuing now). YOU need to think about it (without any other woman involved) -- what do YOU want.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Michael_SL said:


> Hi, it's my first time here in the forum, thanks for having me. English is not my native language, so please bear with me.
> I'm currently going through a crisis in my marriage, and it would be great if I could just be able to write what's on my mind, since unfortunately I can't talk about this personally with anyone at the moment.
> 
> I'm in a relationship with my wife since 2005, we moved in together in 2011 after finishing college and we married in 2015. We have what I believe to be a very beautiful story together, she had been a high school crush of mine and all was well until some things started to show up.
> ...


Not one single thing in your post means anything other than “meanwhile I’ve met someone else”.

There is nothing your wife can do will fix anything, you are spinning every single thing about her in your head to justify your total cheating. “It's difficult for me to talk about this with anyone because meeting someone else would always be seen as the cause of the problems, when in reality I see it more as a consequence.” well you are seeing things through the eyes of a cheater, so yeah, you want to see reality as something different. You’re wrong. Once you started seeing someone else while married, you are 100% in the wrong and 200% full of crap. Tell us exactly (facts please). What your wife has done that is divorce worthy. You haven’t said she cheated. And your only claim of stealing from you is a onetime incident with a credit card purchase. Wow. You’re grasping for straws. 
This is a marriage forum. One doesn’t push their wife and daughter out and claim covid nonsense when they are really needing space to see another woman. Your post is totally disingenuous.

You are looking for reasons to can your wife . She hid finances? You haven’t mentioned any money missing, and you haven’t mentioned any money problems caused by your wife. What has she hidden, exactly?


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Could you elaborate more on what you’re like financially? What’s your financial position and why has she insisted on separate bank accounts and hiding money? 

Is there something from your end that has resulted in her perhaps not feeling safe financially with you? 

Have you had a steady job before and during your marriage? Debts of your own? Have you been financially responsible? Spender or saver? Were your own financial goals and habits a ‘we’ situation where you expressed ‘we should work towards this, we should buy this, we should reduce this debt’? 

In some cases, where one partner is financially irresponsible, a cheater or abusive... or even without these major issues, they are simply not invested in the marriage, spouses have taken precautions to sometimes see into the future and protect themselves. So perhaps from her end, this is a consequence too? 

As a woman, if there was the slightest indication that my husband was going to drag us into some pit, I would take responsibility and protect myself and my children by making smart moves (I am sure he would do the same if I wasn’t financially responsible). 

What do you think?


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Also wanted to add, I can see that she merely applied for loans and never took them out, and she has been putting away income. This to me shows a great attitude towards money and that she has no debts, she is saving for the future, which is a good thing. There’s no evidence from your post that this means she is hiding it, more like you resent that you may want this money? Again, the credit card thing - any actual solid evidence that she was indeed the one that used it? I understand that it was a significant event for you and has altered the course of your marriage. Why?


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

It's very odd that you know so little about your high school crush. If she was shady from the start, why were you comfortable to have two kids with her?


----------



## Michael_SL (Apr 22, 2021)

Thanks for all your answers.



jlg07 said:


> First things first -- DO NOT cheat on your wife with this "new" person. You need to make decisions for YOU, not because someone else is peaking your interest.
> 
> YOU need to think about it (without any other woman involved) -- what do YOU want.



Thanks, I think that is without any doubt one of the most important things to consider for me now.




Evinrude58 said:


> Not one single thing in your post means anything other than “meanwhile I’ve met someone else”.
> 
> Once you started seeing someone else while married, you are 100% in the wrong and 200% full of crap.
> 
> ...



I see what you mean and can't really argue with that. The problem with the onetime accident is not that fact that she used the card but rather that she left me alone at the police station defending her, after guaranteeing multiple times that she didn't do it and telling me that she would show up. She would many years later admit that she did it. But I can see this can be grasping for straws, yes.

Just to make this clear, I didn't push my wife and daughter away during lockdown, this was actually her initiative. Nonsensic things can unfortunately become very frightening when you see people dying around you at your job on a daily basis. And I didn't meet someone else during this period.




Luckylucky said:


> Have you had a steady job before and during your marriage? Debts of your own? Have you been financially responsible? Spender or saver? Were your own financial goals and habits a ‘we’ situation where you expressed ‘we should work towards this, we should buy this, we should reduce this debt’?
> 
> Also wanted to add, I can see that she merely applied for loans and never took them out, and she has been putting away income. This to me shows a great attitude towards money and that she has no debts, she is saving for the future, which is a good thing. There’s no evidence from your post that this means she is hiding it, more like you resent that you may want this money? Again, the credit card thing - any actual solid evidence that she was indeed the one that used it? I understand that it was a significant event for you and has altered the course of your marriage. Why?



I have a fulltime job since before our marriage and since I found out about these things have taken 2 part-time jobs and started transferring a fixed sum of money to her account on a weekly basis, even before doing all the maths and realizing that 10% of her income would have been enough to have some savings on the side. I'm the only one putting some savings aside. To be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong if just one in the couple is working. I just don't think it's right that if both work only one should pay the bills and there is no sign of where the other money is going. We were looking to buy a house some time ago, before I knew this financial stuff and she would suggest buying and old house to rebuild it, before telling me anything. I know that I would be paying the mortgage all by myself as I have been paying rent all this time. This a hard pill to swallow, considering that after doing the math, she should have some money saved and not be looking for loans. 




Al_Bundy said:


> It's very odd that you know so little about your high school crush. If she was shady from the start, why were you comfortable to have two kids with her?



It is odd, yes, I have a difficult time putting things in perspective.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

What IS she doing with her money? Have you checked? Does she buy a boatload of clothing? Is she spending on the kids? What?


----------



## Michael_SL (Apr 22, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> What IS she doing with her money? Have you checked? Does she buy a boatload of clothing? Is she spending on the kids? What?


I can't really check because I don't have access to her bank account and I never wanted to. I asked repeatedly to have a common account even if each one of us would keep another for himself. She never wanted to go on with it. I had access to her paychecks tough and it just doesn't sum up, considering that I've been paying for most of the stuff, she should have been able to put something aside but I even had to pay a tax debt she had when I found out about all of this. She was already paying an amount of fees in addition to the debt because she didn't pay on time.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Michael_SL said:


> Thanks for all your answers.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You have some valid points here, valid complaints. But once another person is in the picture, there’s no fixing anything and your perspective will be skewed


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Whatever happens it's wrong to cheat.


----------



## Michael_SL (Apr 22, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You have some valid points here, valid complaints. But once another person is in the picture, there’s no fixing anything and your perspective will be skewed


That's very true, yes


----------



## Michael_SL (Apr 22, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Whatever happens it's wrong to cheat.


Thank you Diana, that's very important advice


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Another way to look at it is if you cheat then you are lowering yourself to her level. She'll be able to point the finger right back at you. That's why I didn't consider cheating when I found out my wife was. I didn't want her to be able to point the finger back at me. I didn't want to be the same as her.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> Another way to look at it is if you cheat then you are lowering yourself to her level. She'll be able to point the finger right back at you. That's why I didn't consider cheating when I found out my wife was. I didn't want her to be able to point the finger back at me. I didn't want to be the same as her.


Good man.


----------

