# Many, MANY issues....



## pdfdreamer (May 24, 2017)

A little background:

My wife and I have been married 6 years, together 8. 

One year ago, my wife had an extended emotional and physical affair (with antother woman, though I'm not sure that part matters all that much for this story). I issued an ultimatum that the affair end, or we were done. She chose the affair. I wound up accepting a new job at the time on the other side of the country, so I saw it as an opportunity for a fresh start.

It wasn't all that surprising to me, but 3 months ago, my wife called, begging to get back together and give her another chance. She apologized to a degree for the affair (for what she thought I knew happened...unbeknownst to her, my evidence gathering went far deeper than I let on, so I knew there's much more that happened that she didn't apologize for). She insisted that she was going to be getting help (she has been diagnosed as borderline) and that she was committed to being a "better wife."

My expectations were not high for things working out, but I saw myself as having little to lose, so I continued conversations with her and we agreed that we would meet in a couple of weekends. One of the things that struck me was how different my wife acted during this time regarding sex. Previously, she wanted little to do with it, and would often use it as a means of exerting control. However, during this time, she was very interested in dirty talk and phone sex (things which she had shown NO interest in previously....even when one of us was deployed with the military for a year, she showed no interest). 

Several weeks later, we got together for a long weekend, and we genuinely had a great time, and sex was some of the best of our marriage. After the weekend, we each went back to our homes and we continued talks of reconciliation. She indicated that she was interested in pursuing a transfer through her employer to the area where I live. Things continued to go well together, and she seemed like she had made a concerted effort to genuinely improve herself.

About 6 weeks ago, we met up in a town to watch some baseball games together for the weekend (her choice of activities, since the home team was "her" team). The weekend began great, however, midway through the second baseball game, she was looking at something on her phone, and in an instant, everything changed. She immediately became cold and distant. We struggled through the rest of the game, and went back to the hotel. We were getting ready for dinner, and I asked if she would wait a particular outfit that I liked (we had discussed it previously and she specifically brought it because she knew I liked it). She absolutely flipped out about how she only wears what she wants and that she would never wear something just because I wanted her to, etc, etc. Dinner was a struggle, having to try to pry conversation out of her (getting primarily only one and two word answers in response). I finally asked her what happened at the game, and initially she played dumb....then she got furious at me for "thinking" something happened. Later that night, I decided I would throw caution to the wind and still try to make a sexual advance. It was met with her screaming, saying that she wished she could gain 100lbs, so I wouldn't want to have sex with her any more.

In the six weeks that have passed, she's moved from talking about getting a job transfer down to my area, to now talking about rejoining the military (she has submitted her paperwork already and goes to MEPS later this week). When I ask where that leaves our relationship, I get met with anger and very "hazy" specifics. The "conversations" in the 6 weeks since we've seen each other have continued to be very one-sided as well....I primarily get one and two word responses.

Ironically to me, I just mentioned that I was thinking about getting a different vehicle, and her response was, "I'll take that as a sign that you don't want the two of us to be together, if you're willing to get rid of the family vehicle...". 

I have numerous questions, and in general, am just looking for some input:

1. I find myself unable to reconcile how she can claim to be committed to this marriage, while at the same time essentially taunting me about wanting to have sex, being unwilling to move and live together, all while also being unwilling to give up the "friends" who openly supported her lesbian affair.

2. Given 1 above, I'm tempted to say that there's no chance of success for reconciliation. I feel like she sees me as simply a "safety net", so she can go and do whatever she wants and she wants to have me there on the sidelines, always willing to take her in.

3. I have too much personal pride for 2 (or given that she's already started down this road, I have to much pride to allow myself to be a part of it).

Is there anything that I'm missing here in my analysis of the situation?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Walk away brother... do not look behind you, there is only suffering there.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Your marriage is in a flat spin, eject now.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Please do not entertain the thought of EVER reuniting with this woman. Not only is she seriously disturbed, she's not even smart enough to PRETEND otherwise for any significant length of time. What on earth can she offer you? You can be with a sane, kind woman and have a happy, rewarding life.


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## Mr. Bigglesworth (Apr 22, 2017)

If she has been diagnosed with BPD perhaps you should check out the site bpdfamily.org , lots of good information there. That would explain the sudden change while you were at the game.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How many times are you going to let her do this to you until you get the message. She is not relationship material, she has too many issues. There are hundreds of thousands of women out there for you to have relationships with. Is she made of diamonds or something? Seriously?!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is an easy one. Unstable people cannot have stable relationships. 

If you want a life of chaos, instability, drama, heartache, frustration and always battling uphill for very little return, you have found your match. 

If you want a healthy, happy, stable relationship where everything just kind of falls in place and works out, you will have to find someone else.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also urge you to study up on BPDs. 

With a BPD everything is an act and everything is a manipulation to get you to do what they want. Nothing they say or do is sincere. It is all a front to get you to provide what they want. 

Other people are simply tools to them and a ways to get what they want. And what they want is not a stable, harmonious home and family life. What they want is every crazy whim that drifts through their mind fulfilled. 
They are an empty tank of humanity that runs on an empty tank. They can not be fulfilled and they can not be satisfied. 

She might make a good random, periodic booty call when she shows up horny and starved for validation and attention. 

But she will never make a good, trustworthy, faithful, stable wife and mother.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Will the military let someone enlist or reenlist that has BPD? just more of a curious question really.


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## pdfdreamer (May 24, 2017)

Lostme said:


> Will the military let someone enlist or reenlist that has BPD? just more of a curious question really.


Yes. They absolutely will.

The military struggled previously when she was enlisted. They sent her to anger management multiple times. Ultimately to a mental health professional who diagnosed the borderline. Yet the military did not require that treatment was followed through upon, so she stopped the treatment.

For the re-enlistment process, while the military is aware of the prior issues, they are not a disqualifying factor for them.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Maybe she can be dropped in enemy territory. If the ******** think the MOAB was bad, wait until she flips out on them.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Dude...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why are you still married to this?

Either you are a glutton for punishment or very naive.

You need to save yourself from this. File immediately and be thankful


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I don't understand something, why haven't you found out what happened that day at the game? What was on the phone? What went on that changed things?

Sometimes I just don't understand why the simplest things aren't looked at first. 

I would continually push to find out what happened that day, and if I had to then I would go to counseling together and ask in the counselors office, tell the counselor that you need to know what happened. 


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

pdfdreamer said:


> Yes. They absolutely will.
> 
> The military struggled previously when she was enlisted. They sent her to anger management multiple times. Ultimately to a mental health professional who diagnosed the borderline. Yet the military did not require that treatment was followed through upon, so she stopped the treatment.
> 
> For the re-enlistment process, while the military is aware of the prior issues, they are not a disqualifying factor for them.


 @Uptown has written a great deal of useful information on the topic of mental issues and marriage. Look up some of his posts, you will find them eye opening and useful to your situation. 

No you should not try and reconcile, your the fall back position for her and your probably experiencing one of the engulf and reject cycles they go thru right now.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

She's obviously crazy. Just move on. 

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The affair likely never ended and she was keeping you appeased to avoid divorce. I bet her AP lives near you, which is why she was happy to relocate. Then she probably got dumped, so you get the cold treatment gain. All her fun is gone.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

pdfdreamer said:


> When I ask where that leaves our relationship, I get met with anger and very "hazy" specifics.


Dawg, you don't really have to ask where that leaves you in the relationship. You already know so forget about your question 2. You already know the answer to that also. What you need ask is, "is this really the hell I want to sentence myself to and for what?".


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## pdfdreamer (May 24, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> I don't understand something, why haven't you found out what happened that day at the game? What was on the phone? What went on that changed things?
> 
> Sometimes I just don't understand why the simplest things aren't looked at first.
> 
> ...


I've certainly thought about and inquired as to what happened that day at the game. However, the more I've thought about it, the more I question if it really even matters. Is there any explanation that could be given that would make how things played out "ok"? I don't think so.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

pdfdreamer said:


> I've certainly thought about and inquired as to what happened that day at the game. However, the more I've thought about it, the more I question if it really even matters. Is there any explanation that could be given that would make how things played out "ok"? I don't think so.


I bet she got a message from her AP. Maybe AP is stringing her along and tossed her something to keep her on the hook? 

Don't be her plan B. 

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There was never any effort on her part to gain your trust after the affair. No effort on her part to show remorse for the affair. No effort on her part to show she was sorry, and genuinely wished to give you access to everything in her life so you could get over the horrible heartbreak of what she did to you.

With never having done any of the things necessary you still attempted to begin a reconciliation. You should not have. 

You should have filed divorce the day you learned of the affair, if she was not fully vested in everything she needed to do to assure you she was truly sorry and never going to pursue it again.

There are some absolutes to prove that. She needed to be completely transparent with you. You would be able to reach over and take her phone and read it, and she should willingly give it to you, if she was actually sorry for the affair. She should never have contacted the Affair Partner again, if she was actually sorry for the affair.

Because she chose to continue with the affair the day you found out about it you should have filed for divorce. It should be final by now.

Get on it. Be done with it. There is no reason for it not to be done. Why in the world did you wait? Your wife chose to go off with another person, an Affair Partner, and you did not file for divorce on the very next business day? I can't understand that.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

> The weekend began great, however, midway through the second baseball game, she was looking at something on her phone, and in an instant, everything changed. She immediately became cold and distant. We struggled through the rest of the game, and went back to the hotel.


So the AP contacted her?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You wanted to give the marriage one more chance. You did. Now you can walk away with your head held high, knowing you exhausted every possiblity of saving it.

Time to move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pdfdreamer said:


> A little background:
> 
> My wife and I have been married 6 years, together 8.
> 
> ...


Say something like this: "Keeping in mind what you said about getting rid of the car meaning that I don't want the two of us to remain together, I have taken the decision to keep the car and to get rid of *you.*"

And....







[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

pdfdreamer said:


> Ironically to me, I just mentioned that I was thinking about getting a different vehicle, and her response was, "I'll take that as a sign that you don't want the two of us to be together, if you're willing to get rid of the family vehicle...".
> 
> I have numerous questions, and in general, am just looking for some input:
> 
> ...


OP,
Give in to the temptation and say it. It is absolutely, undeniably true.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

If you discover an affair, and any words come out of the Wayward Spouse's mouth besides complete capitulation to severe all ties to the Affair Partner and give complete transparency to the Betrayed Spouse, the marriage is over. The Betrayed Spouse should file for divorce within hours.

There is no other option. Once that affair is discovered, it is either all in, or all out.

I just cannot understand why anyone would hesitate. When my wife screwed up she knew she had only seconds to decide, and there was no second chance with me.

Other people who may want to give second chances are nicer people than me, and it's good the world is full of nicer people than me, but that's no reason to not file. A divorce can be stopped. But it absolutely should have been filed immediately.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

And by moving away, you've already done the emotionally hardest part IMO. You've got one foot out. Just go ahead and get the other one out. And find a cute fun sane girl to have fun with. 

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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

BPDers are notoriously impossible to break up with. Once you're roped in, they make your life hell whether you are with them or without them.

You successfully left her! Don't willingly reestablish the relationship! It is one of abuse. She will keep you in the cycle of abuse for as long as you have her in your life.

Go out there and find a sane, stable partner. If you don't free yourself when you can, you will be dealing with the damage she has wrought for a very long time.

You sound like you are still young. Life goes by quickly. Don't take these years for granted. Before you know it they'll be in your past and unrecoverable.

Make an affirmative decision for yourself and put her definitely, decisively in your past. You won't regret it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, as people point out, you are in limbo.

You are letting your wife manipulate you like crazy. You are letting her.

She lies and continues to cheat. She has done nothing she should do if she actually wanted to continue the marriage. Why do you let her wrap you around her little finger like this?

Stop listening to her. End it.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Wipe her off your feet like you would with any piece of ****.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Uptown


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Just let go... there doesn't have to be any drama, detailed conversation or negative engagement that robs you of your energy.

Many times we really don't need answers, we just need to accept what we've been shown.

Whatever suffering she has deep within herself is simply spilling over, but you know there is little you can do to help her... help yourself by staying out of the way especially when you know you don't fit in this relationship well. 

Each side of a decision will provide you a much different life... choose the one that loves yourself more and be happy in it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

From what I've heard, BPD is basically incurable. She'll be that way the rest of her life. Read up on it if you haven't already, just to prepare yourself for her reaction when you tell her it's all over. It won't be pretty, and you need to protect yourself from her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pdfdreamer said:


> A little background:
> 
> My wife and I have been married 6 years, together 8.
> 
> ...


Knock it off with the analysis paralysis already.

File for divorce ASAP.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

pdfdreamer said:


> My expectations were not high for things working out, but I saw myself as having little to lose


And yet you did lose a lot, a lot of time and a lot of being jerked around.

Nothing to "analyse", your wife is a cheat, you walked away, in that moment of strength she realised she didn't have two men that gave her value, you relented and let her back in, interest in you decreases again.

Probably the nth person to tell you to walk away.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

I hope you're just here for confirmation that you should run as fast and as far away from this ticking bomb as you can, because no one in their right mind is going to give you advice to stick around . you know that BPD is rarely successfully treated, and even if she does make some progress, how much of yourself will you have given up supporting this black hole that sucks your very life force away. When things are good with these types they are the absolute best and can make you feel on top of the world, but when they're bad, my god its a whole world of pain, and every time you pull away she will chase, and then as soon as you start to get close, BAM! She's rejecting you. Good luck pal

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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Dude, you got away clean (with the exception of the impending yet to be completed divorce). Why on earth would you even consider getting back with this honey badger?

And the 10 year clock is ticking (when she can make claims on your retirement and social sexurity accounts). Get out now and don't look back. 

Of course sex was great when she was trying to win you back. It always is. Then once her hooks are in you again, sex will dry up like the Sahara again.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your wife stabbed you in the back. First by having the affair, then again by choosing the affair partner over you. She has the knife in her hand again and you are seriously thinking about letting her do it to you again?

Stop questioning why she would or would not do something. It does not matter. You cannot apply logic to batsh*t crazy. She is toxic to you. Get the divorce you should have gotten long ago.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I also urge you to study up on BPDs.
> 
> With a BPD everything is an act and everything is a manipulation to get you to do what they want.


^THIS^

Or another possibility, she is a drug user, and during that ball game she slipped away to the ladies room and tooked something that changed her personality.

It seems like she THOUGHT she was lesbian, but after almost a year....decided she was either straight or bisexual. Then she probably thought "hey what about my old hubby, he was a good provider...maybe i would enjoy shacking up with HIM again". But then she met you again, the rubber hit the road, and she was not as thrilled as she had hoped she would be.

Who knows, but one thing is pretty certain, she took a long hard chug from the CRAZY BOTTLE, and you don't want that. Find a sane woman who actually likes you, and forget about her.

And do not beat yourself up on this one. there is no way you could tell she was going to turn out so nutty. You did your best to make it work


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

pdfdreamer said:


> Is there anything that I'm missing here in my analysis of the situation?


Nope. Your wife is a cheater and a liar and you are well rid of her. Be happy she showed her true colors before you made any permanent moves to get back together.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why did you not file for divorce when she had the affair?


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