# How to get my wife to play along.



## The Sensational (Jul 25, 2009)

She says it's not me, that she's just stressed during the week with work and all. I can deal with that. We make a deal to not have sex during the week, but friday and saturday we have sex. I hate planning out our sex dates but if I don't then we don't have it.

So it's friday and all I want her to do is play along, at least pretend she wants to have sex but nope. Nothing. I am accepting and willing to not try to start sex during the week for her, can't she at least try to pretend to want to have sex during the weekend. We are having sex 1-2 times every 2 weeks. For being in a marriage for 6 months, this is very discouraging. We are seeing a counselor and everything, I'm trying to be patient with her non sexual nature, but this is getting too much for me.

Any advise. I've tried everything. Romantic dinners, dates, showing lots of affection. She just thinks when I start to touch her she acts like its a game and says no and pushes me off like you cant touch those parts.

I'm losing it, I've tried everything. Help! Please of course


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can you fill in some background?

Have you got kids?
How long married?
Has tired/don't feel like it been building up over time or is it sudden?
Does what is going on now reflect a drastic change in your sex-life, or has the behavior been long term?
How do the two of you relate outside of the scope of sex?

Sex became the primary contributor in the dissolution of my marriage (which is still ongoing). The circumstances you describe are very familiar. It becomes a vicious cycle. You aren't having sex - or if you are, she is doing so grudgingly. You try to connect, romance, acts of kindness, dates, notes of love and support - all of which she simply interprets as attempts on your part to get her in the sack. She feels empowered by telling you 'no', or making you feel like you are the one that is being unreasonable for wanting intimacy, rather than simply accepting that she doesn't. 

She resents you if she feels 'forced or coerced' ( I nearly choked when my wife uttered those words. Those are words used in the same sentence as rape.)
You resent her because even when you try to establish a compromise (weekends only) she still doesn't hold up her end of the agreement, or worse, grudgingly agrees which further erodes the bond that is the point of having sex in the first place.

Any of this sound familiar?


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## The Sensational (Jul 25, 2009)

*Have you got kids? * Just a puppy.
*How long married?*6 months.
*Has tired/don't feel like it been building up over time or is it sudden?* It seems like it's more often than before.
*Does what is going on now reflect a drastic change in your sex-life, or has the behavior been long term?* I don't really know what you mean by this but our sex life when we were dating was amazing, we would even do it 4 times a day. We get married and everything seems to have slowed down...a lot.
*How do the two of you relate outside of the scope of sex?* Outside of sex we're amazing. Couldn't be happier, it's just sex sometimes gets us in fights.

It does seem that when we actually do do it, she's just doing it to quiet me down and make me happy. This causes a loss of a lot of passion. I don't remember the last time we had sex that we connected so greatly like we used to.

I just don't ever want to do anything anymore even though I'm really horny because I'm just getting tired of this non sex stuff, never knowing whether the timing is ok for her. It's just hard because when it comes to sex I hate planning and that's what we're doing yet I don't even feel like planning works.


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## crazyanimal (Oct 10, 2009)

Are there other issues in your wife's life that you can help with or be supportive of?? Men don't realize that women, in most part are turned on by compassion and understanding. If you cater to our emotions, more then likely the arousal comes next.

Do you help around the house?? Is there something you can do to relieve her so she can relax?? Maybe offer to do the dishes a couple times a week, or run her a nice hot bath?? Maybe take the puppy for a walk and let her relax?? This doesn't mean doing this just once to get her in bed. Do them to make her feel like you care about her and let the night end with no intimate contact. Let her gain the trust that you will do things for her without her feeling like she has to pay you back in sex.

Some woman won't pretend to be interested in sex if they don't want to. It will cause resentment because it is a woman's body and she should not have to give it up if she does not want to. Woman who lay there when they don't want to feel used and invaded. This is going to cause even more resentment and more distance between you and her and a good sex life.

That is the part of a woman I truly hate... she can have sex when a man wants her to but he can't perform when she wants it.


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

Is she taking any kind of medication that might cause her to lose interest in sex? I take HBP meds and I know it puts a damper on things sometimes. I still enjoy being with him even if I can't get a orgasm every time. Hopefully she can find out what is wrong. Good Luck


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

its frustrating when you think you are doing everything you can to help this type of situation but still nothing changes. for me, thats when i realized my wifes drive was far less than mine and i have had to accept that. but our situations are much different, i will say at 6 months of marriage (some 20 years ago) i wasnt left wanting for intimacy. so i would be concerned if i were you. again, we all assume in here that nothing is abnormal unless you let us know (hygiene on your part, weight gain, or you have stopped meeting her needs, etc..)

assuming all that is right where it has always been it is difficult to explain her changes unless there is an underlying health issue that even she may not know.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Honestly, have a frank discussion with her and tell her your expectations. Sounds like she pulled a bait and switch on you. Give the guy what he wants until the ring is on the finger and then BAM.

Tell her it isn't acceptable. 

I'm not kidding. 

You can't let someone get away with this. I think the biggest mistake guys make in this situation is not being clear about the fact that they were lied to and that they resent it. 

That said, once she gets that you don't appreciate being gyped like this, you have to understand that a woman is a lot different than a man and that she needs to warm up. So how you are with her throughout the day matters. All day foreplay. Everything leads to sex. Everything. Even if you don't end up having sex. And surprise her sometimes by not having sex, by just cuddling. Mix it up. Never let her know what to expect. If you're normally a night guy, save it for the morning, that kind of thing.

I'm lucky in that I enjoy giving my husband backrubs and that's part of what warms me up. It seems that a lot of women prefer to *get* backrubs or foot rubs or whatever, and that it relaxes them. But I prefer to give to warm myself up. It allows me to focus on my husband's body and to think about how much I love him and how attracted I am to him before we move to the next step.


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## Breakfastn'Pizza (Oct 17, 2009)

If you stop asking and show her a good time in every situation, she might do one of two things. Start the interest which means you have to make it a mystery if she still is the woman for you. Next she might not even care when you stop asking and asking. In this case I would sadly recomend getting an investigator for the cheat scene. It would be great as well if she just doesn't want sex. Then it means nothing bad about you and your performance and what not. Have fun and consider the workaround. Haha. That's against God's advice. Good luck and have fun.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is a total bait and switch. She pretended to like sex with you. Now that she has you, she no longer needs to make an effort. You have already compromised way more then a normal male would want to - with the weekend only thing - and she is making it clear that she does not like having sex with you at all. 

Don't take this wrong - this is not about stress - she is just not that into you. 

If you have kids with her - this will get even worse. 

You generally cannot fix this. A decent woman would either:
- Not have married you or
- Be honest with you about why she dislikes sex with you - either how you are in bed or how you are outside of bed or both. 

You are lucky - if you have a spine you can be as blunt as you want about this because you do not have kids yet. If you can't resolve it - you can find someone who really is into you. And now you know what questions to ask BEFORE you marry someone. 















The Sensational said:


> She says it's not me, that she's just stressed during the week with work and all. I can deal with that. We make a deal to not have sex during the week, but friday and saturday we have sex. I hate planning out our sex dates but if I don't then we don't have it.
> 
> So it's friday and all I want her to do is play along, at least pretend she wants to have sex but nope. Nothing. I am accepting and willing to not try to start sex during the week for her, can't she at least try to pretend to want to have sex during the weekend. We are having sex 1-2 times every 2 weeks. For being in a marriage for 6 months, this is very discouraging. We are seeing a counselor and everything, I'm trying to be patient with her non sexual nature, but this is getting too much for me.
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Mem's right.

Women can learn to get into sex, but this one hasn't. What also happens (sometimes) is that while you're trying to figure it all out, she's going to get even more tired of you. Then in walks the Other Man. EA, PA, whatever. He gets the sex, you've always been the nice guy who put up with not getting any.

I'm a woman and I'm telling you now, give her a strong message. Sex matters.

The end.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

BTW, it is always amazing to me that there are guys here that think I'm 100% for the woman, that whatever she does is OK. I have to believe they are selective in their processing of my message.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL - you are very fair cross gender. 

I think your husband is a lucky guy - you really do understand men and women very well. 

You also remind me of my wife - a bit scary when provoked. 




dobo said:


> BTW, it is always amazing to me that there are guys here that think I'm 100% for the woman, that whatever she does is OK. I have to believe they are selective in their processing of my message.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your wife is now turned off by your weakness. Yes weakness. She has done something that a real man would have reacted to with speed and assertiveness and you have been kissing her ass. She likely did not respect you to start or has lost her respect for you. She is either having an EA/PA or will have one soon. 

Do you understand what we are telling you? 

You have totally and utterly lost control of this relationship. There are some things you could do to maybe/longshot fix it - but they really require some strength. 









The Sensational said:


> She says it's not me, that she's just stressed during the week with work and all. I can deal with that. We make a deal to not have sex during the week, but friday and saturday we have sex. I hate planning out our sex dates but if I don't then we don't have it.
> 
> So it's friday and all I want her to do is play along, at least pretend she wants to have sex but nope. Nothing. I am accepting and willing to not try to start sex during the week for her, can't she at least try to pretend to want to have sex during the weekend. We are having sex 1-2 times every 2 weeks. For being in a marriage for 6 months, this is very discouraging. We are seeing a counselor and everything, I'm trying to be patient with her non sexual nature, but this is getting too much for me.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CA,
I agree with the basic flavor of what you are saying. However, you and I both know that a woman who goes from intense frequent sex to not wanting sex at all right after marriage - without explaining what is happening - this is not the guy. He started doing all the textbook nice guy stuff - it is worse. 

This is a classic case of her desire is gone - and his desperate attempts to fawn over her with flowers/romance and concessions like no sex during the week and oh - ok - really bad sex every other weekend have just made it worse. 

I agree that some guys don't know how to connect emotionally - but there is a totally different problem that sometimes happens where the man is being weak/too nice which is a total turn off for most women. It seems pretty obvious where this problem lies. 





crazyanimal said:


> Are there other issues in your wife's life that you can help with or be supportive of?? Men don't realize that women, in most part are turned on by compassion and understanding. If you cater to our emotions, more then likely the arousal comes next.
> 
> Do you help around the house?? Is there something you can do to relieve her so she can relax?? Maybe offer to do the dishes a couple times a week, or run her a nice hot bath?? Maybe take the puppy for a walk and let her relax?? This doesn't mean doing this just once to get her in bed. Do them to make her feel like you care about her and let the night end with no intimate contact. Let her gain the trust that you will do things for her without her feeling like she has to pay you back in sex.
> 
> ...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

From what you posted I understand 'Now that I'm married and I'm sure we're going to be together for a while I'm not really focusing on the relationship anymore and taking care of other things'.That's what your wife seems to be saying/doing. It could also be that she was raised to believe she is supposed to become mature and more serious as soon as she gets married. It could be a huuuge bunch of things. But bottom line is you've been taken for granted.

Just try, for a couple of weeks to act with her as if you just met her and you want to pick her up. Doesn't have to be all day every day, but flirt a bit, back off a bit, ocassionally play hard to get, be a bit flirty, the ocassional joke with a small bit of sexual connotation. You've got nothing to loose and it might just make her feel sexy again. The key here is for you to look appealing in her eyes. Imagine your were the one who didn't want sex. Your wife let herself go, she's the same all the time, you take her for granted. And suddenly one day, she starts looking nice, smelling nice, being happy and flirty but at the same time not at your every whim (so a bit hard to get and approach). Wouldn't that make you raise an eyebrow? From here comes interest, then arrousal. That's kinda what you have to do. You've spent a lot of time complaining. Every time you feel like complaining, instead, treat her like game, try charm her. 

'So it's friday and all I want her to do is play along, at least pretend she wants to have sex but nope. Nothing. I am accepting and willing to not try to start sex during the week for her, can't she at least try to pretend to want to have sex during the weekend.'

This doesn't solve anything but turn sex into a chore for her. You have to make her want to, not pretend to want to. The more of a chore sex becomes for her, the less she'll want it, or you. The more you nag, demand, expect and get frustated, the less atractive you and sex are in her eyes. Think about it, it's exactly the same for you if she would act that way. In the long run 'pretending' is what gets you divorced.


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

me and my wife went through the whole sex on the weekends only routine. i came home one day and told her i wanted sex, she said its only thursday, i told her that i dont care im horny and i want you now, she told me again to wait till friday, i said look, i work all day and you dont, you are home all day while the kids are in school, you watch tv, lay in our bed and when i get home i make dinner, so i know you cant be that busy....also there is 168 hours in a week and it would not hurt for you to give up at least 1 hour three times a week on any given day. then i said that if she cant do that for me then she needed to go look for a job....her attitude changed really fast....so sex isnt a problem, granted im not asking for it everyday, just sometimes besides the weekend ya know. maybe i want to do it on a monday night during the football game....


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