# i need advise...



## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

History... wife had a one night stand (she says) 1996 (with a co worker), 2001 (with my close friend). She confessed 2 years ago. Everyday was a battle for me to be sane. Today I find out that she is in contact (FB) with an old BF(before me). 

I want to leave. What happens to my 3 boys (17, 15 and 13). Do I tell them the reason? She shows no remorse. I believe that once a cheater... will always be a cheater. Now I realize that her values are screwed up. What will be the effect on my sons?....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Divorce is hard for kids especially boys who seem to suffer more depression than girls according to recent research. However, that must be weight against living in a household where one spouse has and probably will be hurt and humiliated. Which is better? Another thing that must be weighed is the setting of the divorce, if parents separate but do so without rancor and support each other in parenting, that may make a difference.

My point is that children are always the primary concern in a divorce for most parents. If the the relationship is deeply troubled, it may be a poor model for the children. Children notice more than you think and these boys are older and may know of your wifes dalliances and her lack of remorse. This is their model of a relationship - men are humiliated and can do nothing about it. You have much to wieght, your wife is a cheater and will probably continue to be so, your boys need to see a healthy reaction to betrayal, i think, and to see that a man can have a healty relationship. This is my opinion. If divorce must take place seek advice from a therapist on how best to approach it so that it has as little negative impact on the boys as possible.

I am so sorry this has happened but, what ever you do, make your boys the priority in your life don't drift away from them as some men do to persue a new relationship. Don't leave your wife as their sole influence on them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

My brother went thru a messy divorce and I've seen first hand what it did to his kids. Even my boys notices, and they always tells me how lucky they are that we are together. The thought of my kids going thru the separation kills me. Maybe wait till my youngest can take it.... maybe little by little ill drift away so its not sudden... I dont know. Right now Im just full of anger.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think she has you figured out and has you lock down with the not hurting the kids thing.

Lets pretend she thinks you dont give a sh*t about the kids and she thinks you will dumb her. What would happen if you pretended that you will not tolorate her behavior and willing to sacrifice the family in order to get away from her behavior.

If for one minute she thought you were not going to settle for her anticts and were really going to leave would she start to second quess her attidue?

Maybe, maybe not, but the states quo..I fell she thinks she has you and that she can actany way she want, with out consequence, knowing you will do nothing b/c you are so worried about the kids.

It must really suck showing and giving examples on how it is to be disrespected by your wife. The one example you are showing your kids is how to have an unhealthy marriage. Why don't you give them an example in how to stick up for ones self?

Granted my kids are little older then yours and are almost moved out (17&22) and I showed them a pretty bad examble of how to treat a spouse, I hope your wife gets it.. it took me 20 years to get it. But when I finaly stood up and said enough, it felt great...a little late but I stood up.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I am going to go out on a limb here...

Why dont you just get custody of the boys? We are talking about just a few years here and teen boys need a male role model. You may have a good shot at it. 

I got custody of my 2 girls from my first marriage. So it is not impossible.

There may be a shot also that she wants to live that lifestyle. The kids may weigh her down, in fact they may hamper her ability to do these things. And if she is a decent person at all, she wont want to expose the kids to this. 

Your kids are old enough to know, and at age 14 I beleive they have the ability to request the court to be with you. 

Normally I am for the marriage being saved, but come on.. 1999 then 2001 then starting the behavior now... Every second that passes your life is wasting away. 

Kids should be raised in a happy home. Sometimes, that home is with a single dad.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

PlainJoe said:


> History... wife had a one night stand (she says) 1996 (with a co worker), 2001 (with my close friend). She confessed 2 years ago. Everyday was a battle for me to be sane. Today I find out that she is in contact (FB) with an old BF(before me).
> 
> I want to leave. What happens to my 3 boys (17, 15 and 13). Do I tell them the reason? She shows no remorse. I believe that once a cheater... will always be a cheater. Now I realize that her values are screwed up. What will be the effect on my sons?....


You need to ask yourself why you continue to put up with this behavior. Right now, your a doormat. I would suggest reading the nice guy sticky at the top of the Mens forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

Im looking for a room to move on to. Getting an apartment will be too costly. If i kick her out, i know i cant handle a household with 3 kids. I need to be away and just clear my head...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

ok, just be a better fighter than your lawyer, because if you tell him you moved out, he will KICK YOUR AZZ. 

wife can say that you abandoned them, and then you will know the real meaning of pain.

Dont go anywhere, brother. FIght or Flight... which is you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

DUDE, DO NOT LEAVE, DO NOT LEAVE,DO NOT LEAVE

2x is so right on, not only are you at great risk of being nailed for abandonment, but you leave the door open for OM.

Dam it man stand up and stay in the home, you are screwing your self big time by leaving. Oh poor you your wifes cheating and you want pity! Man up and take control of this sh*t . you can control her but you can control what you do so do not make this thing more convienent for her just b/c you can't handle it. COME ON!

If you need space go to the gym or find a hoppie, but finding space by leaving will not make this any better. I believe, and other will stongly agree that if you leave it will make it worse for you and the kids.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

As what you guys said. She got me figured out that I will never leave the kids. I will not, but I have to show her that I can. I love my kids to death, but I deserve to be happy too. 
I am not capable of raising them and staying home with her is just pushing me to the limit. I should have moved out 2 years ago when she confessed. I gave it a try and look what I got back.

Looking back and reading articles here just clears the air that she is just not emotionally in love with me. She may be fun and loving but when Im not there, she is just not connected to me. If she spends some time with a man, and she gets some nice words.... there is nothing in her thoughts that tells her that she is married. And that is scary.

I cant live like this.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

One night stand in 1996 (co-worker)
One night stand in 2001 (my close friend)
A near One night stand in 2005 (she claims nothing happened)
Confessed to me 2009
Got caught of FB with old BF (BF before me)

and she thinks its not a problem.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes this marraige had probs in 1995. it was never address and things just kept going. Ive lived it also, and I can understand being at your limits. 
After dealing with my W cheating for 13 years.....I hit my limit in Feb'10 
But it was her that was getting her things packed not mine!
You want to run away, you can't run from this so confront it. Belive me I tried to run for years it just will catch up with you. Go get a lawyer and finish this thing.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

My god what a thread exactly what I feel even though my situation is not about an affair. However, she has left my daughter and myself at home while she go`s out with her girlfriends. My daughter is afraid of coming home ant night and not seeing her mothers car in the driveway. Could I fight to have sole custody with my daughter who is my main concern.


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