# So confused!!



## Diana (Nov 16, 2010)

Hi, I am very new to this site. I have been searching for someplace where I can talk to other women for a while. This seems to be a good place!

I am 54 yrs old, been married for 5 1/2 years. We got married very quickly after dating. (not saying that was a bad thing). However, I now wish I would had waited a bit longer. 

Here is my concerns. Prior our wedding, his mother warned me it would never work. She was mad that I took "her boy" away from her. Maybe this should had been a huge warning to me, but I took on the challenge as I really loved him. 

My husband has had a tough work history, he has never been without a job, yet he doesnt hold a job for long. However, 2 years ago he got fired from a really good job. He sat at home a month or so and I told him either get another job, go to school, just do something as I was not going to support him forever. Boy, I sure would like to eat those words now!!! He chose to go to school at that time. Now he is still in school. He has had his unemployment until just recently when he lost it (Oct.) Now he has nothing coming in. I unfortunately lost my job (the company shut down). I cannot get unemployment as I worked as a virtual assistant and they didnt pay into unemployment. So we have pretty much zero income right now.

In the mean time of my husband going to school, we also were given custody of his 11 yr old grandson through social services. This has been an added stress as I am the main caretaker. He is a joy to have with us, however, he also has a lot of issues. He has aspergers, adhd and is boarder line mentally retarded. (I know this is a lot to put out there all at once, but I need to explain our situation)

My husbands parents had custody of this child however they are physically and mentally not able to handle him. Now, my husbands father is in the hospital and not expected to be with us much longer. I have no contact with my husbands parents anymore due to conflicts that have occurred throughout our marriage. He deals with them. (trust me I so tried to get along, but after so many brow beatings I took from his mother I had to end it for my sanity!!)

My husband and I fight on a daily basis. Yes, I nag him about getting a job. I would be happy if it were just part time...I know he is in school, but that doesnt or should not matter...we are losing everything here slowly. I worry from day to day if our electric will be turned off, or our phone..will we get foreclosure on the home!! He doesnt seemed concerned enough to stand up and do something. 

I look for work daily. It is hard for me to work outside from the home now that we have a child here. Someone needs to be here for him when he gets up in the morning and after school. We only have one car so I cant have the car as he needs it for school. I am done making excuses for him and as of last night, pretty much ready to throw the towel in on our marriage. 

Last night we were "talking" and he said that I am to blame for all the problems..he said and I quote "You nag at me all the time about working, I go to school because you told me to, now you are mad as I dont work, its your fault we are in the position." All I could do was sit in disbelief, I had nothing to say, as I could not come up with anything. I was blank!! 

Today, I have come to the conclusion that I either need mental help or we need to stop living together. I guess I am writing as I need some type of feedback and hope that someone out there is hearing me. Am I a saint...oh my NO, I would never put myself out there as one either. Have I made mistakes,,,YES!!! Many of them. I am trying though, and I dont know where to turn now. I am so empty and lonely inside. Please if anyone has any suggestions or words of encouragement..please help. 

thanks so much for listening.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Diana said:


> He has aspergers, adhd and is boarder line mentally retarded.
> My husbands parents had custody of this child however they are physically and mentally not able to handle him.


So your H's parents are mentally unable, and his child is mentally disabled. Why did the grand-parents have custody and not your H? Is your H also mentally unable?


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

If it is your husband's grandchile why does all the care fall on you? Also, you say he started school 2 years ago - is he in a 4 year degree program? He could work part time or find an internship in his field. If he is in something less than a 4 year degree program then why is he still in school? Where are the parents of the grandchild? The two of you hardly seem like the ones to take care of him, neither of you has a job so how can you take on supporting an additional person? I think the first priority for both of you is to find employment, your husband could go to school at night if he is not done yet. You also need to think of what is best for the grandchild and if you have no income how can you support him? Your husband needs to take a more active role in bringing in income and taking care of his grandchild. If he is not willing to be more responsible then you need to decide if you want to stay with someone this irresponsible. Good luck.


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

First of all, whatever is going on between you, it is not all your fault as he tried to make you believe. It always takes two. It sounds like you need to get some counseling quickly


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## tmone23 (Dec 7, 2010)

You are in a tough position, no doubt. I think you need to leave and let him realize that nothing in life is for free. If he blames you when you are with him, you may as well leave and let him continue complaining but at least you won't be there to here it and he will be stuck with the child, without income or a job and he will need to go to school. He takes you for granted coz you are there to take care of everything.You need to live a stress free life.Seperate a while. Good luck


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Hello,
I am a mom of a child with aspergers and adhd and I know how hard it can be. I love my son more than anything, but I would not WISH him on anyone either. It is a lot of work and can make you question your own mental status. 
I am on this forum because like you, I did everything and my husband came in,ate his dinner and settled in for the evening while I ran myself into the ground. Saying that, I want you to know I know exactly how you feel.
First, with the financial strain. Your hubby needs to take his courses online so he can be home and help with the grandson. You need the car for working or he needs to find a part time job. As far as you complaining about him not having a job. Stop, immediatley inform him, when you said those things, you HAD a job that could support the two of you. Now that you have a child in custody,he needs to get with the game plan. How is he going to pay for collage if no one has a job?
Also, you need to find therapy because resentment with these issues will fester and with the added stressor of you not working,it will get worse.
Please feel free to pm me if you need support. Get the bills out and tell the hubby, you need him to help make a plan to pay the bills. I found a big dose of reality,went a long way.
Hang in there,your in my prayers and you will survive!I know it doesn't feel that way right now,but you will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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