# Keepsakes



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Where did all this stuff come from? And why did we have so many closets? It is damn near overwhelming. 

Just going through the paperwork in our closets was a monster, and I have yet to get to the cabinets downstairs. Ugh!

And all of the kid's items? Why did she leave them all for me to go through? I am going to use half the boxes I have just to make keepsake boxes for each of the kids. 

I've already gone through all of my clothes and discarded what I don't/won't wear. My oldest and youngest daughters have gone through their clothes. My oldest son will need to go through his before he joins the Air Force.

And just where am I supposed to put all of this stuff????

I need to downsize to a smaller home and I don't want to be a packrat/horder. She took such a small amount of stuff, and mostly just daily living things, that I now have all this stuff to go through before I can even think about moving. 

Two closets are done, 5 to go. Then on to the cabinets. If my daughter wasn't staying with me, I would throw all her old keepsakes out.

/rant


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Yep, lots of "stuff" around when you get to really looking at what you have. Sorry it's such a pain to deal with it all.

I'm the one who moved out and left our marital home to my ex-husband. But I made sure to take nearly all of my keepsakes, furniture, household goods, etc. with me when I moved. I sorted through it and tossed extraneous stuff as I was packing. The extra clothes I donated to Goodwill and the paperwork I didn't need was either shredded or burned. I actually had to swap out a good bit of my furniture because I went from a 4100+ square foot house to a 1900+ square foot house. Luckily, my mother owns a furniture and antiques store, so I mostly just traded what I had for smaller pieces she had in storage. Any extra small appliances, electronics, and miscellaneous other stuff that was left ended up in a friend's yard sale a few months ago.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

My ex was the one that moved out and he took all his stuff

And then I was rampant in my ruthlessness. I have thrown so much stuff away, it's incredibly cathartic

This was two years ago and there's still more stuff - he was a terrible keeper of crap 'just in case' - but do it little by little and one day it will all be gone

Don't be afraid to just raze it with fire


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I have already gotten rid of so much, and there is so much more to go. 

I need to get more boxes. 

It's like running into emotion 'land mines'. Not really paying attention, then a picture is in a drawer you're cleaning out. I am going to be putting this on my prayer list tonight. Seeing my daughter get emotional is causing me resentments on top of the resentments I have when I find the 'land mines'. I keep forgiving her for all these things, then something new crops up.

I think I am wearing the Serenity Prayer out.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My ex did this to me too. Its a passive agressive way of punishing you by making you "clean up the mess you made of the relationship". 

Its a strange way of think but it seems to satisfy some sense of "justice" in their mind. Its been three years and Im still finding stuff she left behind.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The pictures have been the hardest for me, too. Actually, we had a huge drawer in the bottom of our coffee table - probably 12" deep and 30" square, so a big drawer - where we just dumped the envelopes when we got pictures developed. We'd look through them occasionally, but hadn't ever done much with them. When I moved out, I didn't really have time to deal with them all, so we agreed to just leave them there. 

Last weekend, I went over and began sorting through all those photographs. 23 years of our lives together, well documented, in pictures. Going through them all was just emotionally horrible. We look so happy in all of them, fun times, vacations, family events. But as I'm sitting there sorting, it occasionally hits me that as happy and affectionate as my then-husband and I looked in those pictures, it was actually all a terrible, terrible lie. He's smiling into my eyes with his arms around me in that Christmas photo, but now I know he was also cheating with OW#3 when that was taken. We look so happy standing together with our newborn, but now I know he'd cheated on me with OW#1 two months before. That vacation photo of us in Florida is a good one, but I now know he was really 18 months into a 3+ year affair with my good friend. It was just....brutal.

I only got through half the pictures. I've still got to go back and sort through the other half. If I don't then eventually his girlfriend will just throw them out, as she's done with some of his other stuff. And I want my son to have pictures of his childhood, his friends, his family, his grandparents, great-grandparents, cousins, Christmases and birthdays.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree with Rowan, the pictures are the hardest. I didn't seem to have a problem of pictures with the kids in them, but the ex... makes me queasy. He ended up leaving things that were inconvenient for him to take so a nice yard sale cleared it out.

OP, can you get the kids to help clean out the closets? Especially the parts with their keepsakes. Mine had definite opinions of items they wanted and ones they wanted to chuck.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> I agree with Rowan, the pictures are the hardest. I didn't seem to have a problem of pictures with the kids in them, but the ex... makes me queasy. He ended up leaving things that were inconvenient for him to take so a nice yard sale cleared it out.
> 
> OP, can you get the kids to help clean out the closets? Especially the parts with their keepsakes. Mine had definite opinions of items they wanted and ones they wanted to chuck.


The kids that are living with me have helped some. I complain for 'having' to do it, but really I would rather go through the emotional land mines than them. 

Also, it is keeping me busy for the time being. It is hard, but doing it now saves me the reminders of the broken marriage later. I can go through and box it up now, or wait until I am 'ready', then have to step on the emotional land mines again sometime down the road. I figure it is easier to go through all of the pain now than to revisit it later.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Would a good friend do this for you? I went through ours after I moved out. I gave him all of the photos of him and his family and the ones with him and kiddo and half of the kiddo only pics. I also gave him the ones of both of us but they were few as it was usually one of us taking the photo.

If you had that type of "rule" so the friend knew what to do with them, could you have someone else sort out the majority of them and the pictures of family they didn't know, give back to you to sort?

I'm pretty good about stuff - mine was pretty separated already - boxes of picture frames, fabric, candles, etc. all went with me. I took half of the linens. 

For kiddo's stuff I go to office supply stores and ask for the empty paper boxes from their copy centers. I bought a pack of full-sheet labels and stick one to either end and mark what is in the box with a sharpie. Since they are as wide as a standard file or notebook, they work great for financial files for me and school work and art projects, etc. for kiddo. Plus they have lids which makes them neat to stack and easy to get in and out of. A few I wrapped with contact paper to make look nice and neat - plus that makes it easy to wipe them down when they get dusty.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

There is really no one I would want to go through the items. 

At least doing it myself I can divvy up the pictures and keepsakes to all of the kids and box them up.

Yes, it can be painful, but, I think going through it now will cause less pain later.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Rowan said:


> The pictures have been the hardest for me, too. Actually, we had a huge drawer in the bottom of our coffee table - probably 12" deep and 30" square, so a big drawer - where we just dumped the envelopes when we got pictures developed. We'd look through them occasionally, but hadn't ever done much with them. When I moved out, I didn't really have time to deal with them all, so we agreed to just leave them there.
> 
> Last weekend, I went over and began sorting through all those photographs. 23 years of our lives together, well documented, in pictures. Going through them all was just emotionally horrible. We look so happy in all of them, fun times, vacations, family events. But as I'm sitting there sorting, it occasionally hits me that as happy and affectionate as my then-husband and I looked in those pictures, it was actually all a terrible, terrible lie. He's smiling into my eyes with his arms around me in that Christmas photo, but now I know he was also cheating with OW#3 when that was taken. We look so happy standing together with our newborn, but now I know he'd cheated on me with OW#1 two months before. That vacation photo of us in Florida is a good one, but I now know he was really 18 months into a 3+ year affair with my good friend. It was just....brutal.
> 
> I only got through half the pictures. I've still got to go back and sort through the other half. If I don't then eventually his girlfriend will just throw them out, as she's done with some of his other stuff. And I want my son to have pictures of his childhood, his friends, his family, his grandparents, great-grandparents, cousins, Christmases and birthdays.


I hear ya. Although I was the one who left, I'd see a vacation picture and remember how he told me I was an idiot and stupid because I didn't know how to pack. Or the vacation where he told off my handicapped sister for not liking the # of stairs in the beach house he rented. Or the photos on the boat the day he grabbed my upper arm so hard he left bruises and threatened me by saying "do I have to beat the hell out of you to get you to back down the boat ramp right?" when I had to try a couple times to get the trailer straight. All of the memories that were triggered in me were anger. He's smiling, I'm smiling, I'm faking it to make nice for my daughter or friends or family. Or else they were early on and I think how naive I was.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

While it may be difficult now, you can use this as an exercise in clearing away old stuff to make room new. I "de-kath-ified" my house and it felt MUCH better afterwards.
Plus, it gives you peace of mind that you wont run across any surprises in the future. That way you can lve in your house without the fear of suddenly stepping in a bear trap.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Actually, I will tell you what I did. 
She had stated to me"I just want the stuff I had before we got married." So I swept the house. There is one room left that may have some stuff...thats another story.

Then I boxed it all up neatly and put each box in the garage. When I was finally done with the house I had about 35-40 boxes of her stuff she "left behind". 
Then I waited until she was on vacation and brought all of the stuff to her house and left it on her front porch for her to sort out. I mean everything! Tissues included. Broken stuff, papers...anything I found that pertained to her I put in the box. No rhyme or reason.
There was no way I was going to sort out HER life. 

Needless to say it took three trips to her house but it was alot of fun and I highly recommend it.

I just discovered that she didnt remove any of her stuff from the storage shed...so I guess that will be a weekend project! Yay!:rofl:


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I had no problem with the pictures. I even threw my wedding album in a rubbish bag and put it out for the bin men

Not one picture of us left and I don't regret it for a second


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Movealong, I admire how fast you are moving. Could you focus only on her things, pictures, etc and send them to her? I did that and also moved to his side of the bed about 2 weeks after he left. Also moved to his empty part of the closet my things. Then found some other stuff and filled a suitcase and sent it to him. 

Only thing here is a painting, tried to change the room layout but didnt like, so returned it to original way. After 1.5 years doesnt affect me that much.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I am taking some stuff to her tomorrow. Not pictures, though. I am putting those in keepsake boxes for my daughter. She can do with them what she wants when she is an adult. Same with the few knick-knacks she left behind. Boxing them up for my daughter. My daughter is not ready for me to "throw s**t out" that belonged to "us". I am trying to respect her feelings while getting rid of, and boxing up, as much as I can.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I hear ya. Although I was the one who left, I'd see a vacation picture and remember how he told me I was an idiot and stupid because I didn't know how to pack. Or the vacation where he told off my handicapped sister for not liking the # of stairs in the beach house he rented. Or the photos on the boat the day he grabbed my upper arm so hard he left bruises and threatened me by saying "do I have to beat the hell out of you to get you to back down the boat ramp right?" when I had to try a couple times to get the trailer straight. *All of the memories that were triggered in me were anger.* He's smiling, I'm smiling, I'm faking it to make nice for my daughter or friends or family. Or else they were early on and I think how naive I was.


I had one of those moments last night.

I came across a picture taken at a friend's summertime wedding, to which I'd worn a lovely embroidered linen shift dress in a terrific shade of soft blue. I looked a little like a flapper, tall and slim, with a soft blond bob peeking out below a cute little fascinator. I thought to myself how young and pretty I looked and that I'd loved that dress and wondered for a moment why I'd gotten rid of it. Then I remembered. He'd waited until we'd gotten home from that wedding to tell me that the dress looked like an old nightgown and wasn't flattering at all on me since I'd gained weight. I remembered that he'd commented on having actually been a little embarrassed for me because of the way I'd looked. I remembered being so ashamed that I'd attended a friends wedding looking such a mess, that I'd somehow inadvertently embarrassed myself and my husband in public, and that I apparently completely lacked the ability to objectively evaluate how I actually looked when dressing myself. I remember wondering how I could have not realized it was so bad, but also briefly wondering why he hadn't said something while we were getting ready rather than when we got home. I'd immediately put that dress in the charity bag to donate so I wouldn't be tempted to embarrass either of us by wearing it again. 

Looking at that picture last night, and then remembering the conversation with my now-ex-husband later, I was nearly overwhelmed with the desire to strangle him and slap some sense into my younger self. There was nothing _at all _wrong with the dress, I wasn't a mess at all, I didn't look fat, and there's no way I could have embarrassed either myself or him with my appearance at that event. Oh, and that would have been about the time he was shagging OW#2. Asshat.

I put the picture in a silver frame and set it out in my living room. The girl in that picture deserves to have someone be proud of her.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Good lord! I spent all day going through my daughter's room cleaning and clearing it out. Thankfully there was only one emotion bomb, the rest of the stuff was just toys, clothes, and trash. So now her room is ready for carpet, the game room is ready, the back bedroom is ready, but I need to do the Master and middle bedrooms then all the rooms will be ready for new carpet.

The Master bedroom is going to be a monster. That is where I have been putting all of the keepsake items. Now I have to go through EvERYTHING and make keepsake boxes for all six of the kids.

I think i am going to try to look at it differently. I am going to try to look at it with love. Looking back on the good things and being grateful for them, rather than angry that I have to deal with emotion bombs. I love all of them, and it is not their fault that we didn't stay married. 

I am going to smile and be glad it happened rather than angry or sad that it is over. 

The kids deserve to have their keepsakes, and I am going to make it happen for them.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Wow.
What a good parent you are being. And you are right, they deserve the keepsakes from the family.
Are you putting the carpet down yourself?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I just found a package of photos of my STBXW. They are ones I took of the first time we met. I traveled out to her city and we had a really great time. These photos are from that trip. Brought back a lot of memories. Good ones of a time when we were happy, falling in love, and in that initial phase of not wanting to be apart.

I am debating whether to send them to her or keep them. Not sure I want them. I have no other photos of her or her and I together. I packed up all other photos when she moved out and sent them with her (I packed her stuff and she came to get it all). 

I've purged the place of things that came from her for the most part.

One question: what have people done with their beds? My current bed is a queen size thing that she and I picked out when we got married. It is comfortable. I like it. My cats like it (and think it is theirs and theirs alone sometimes). But I am debating on whether and when to get a different one.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Wow.
> What a good parent you are being. And you are right, they deserve the keepsakes from the family.
> Are you putting the carpet down yourself?


Thank you. 

No, I am having the carpet and linoleum installed. I "can" do it, I just don't feel the need! LOL!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Arendt said:


> I just found a package of photos of my STBXW. They are ones I took of the first time we met. I traveled out to her city and we had a really great time. These photos are from that trip. Brought back a lot of memories. Good ones of a time when we were happy, falling in love, and in that initial phase of not wanting to be apart.
> 
> I am debating whether to send them to her or keep them. Not sure I want them. I have no other photos of her or her and I together. I packed up all other photos when she moved out and sent them with her (I packed her stuff and she came to get it all).
> 
> ...


The pictures of her and I together I am putting in our daughter's keepsake box. She can have them for later to remind her that her parents were in love at one time and that she was wanted by both of us. The divorce is hard, but throwing away all the stuff from her mother may make her feel like I am throwing away part of her.

Some stuff I am sending to my ex. Not much, but stuff I don't think is going to make a difference to our daughter. Everything else is being put up for safekeeping.

We had a king size bed, and I hated it. One of the first things I did was get a new bed - queen size - so I didn't have to be reminded of the time we shared in bed together. The new bed has no memory.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Just found her box of pictures and keepsakes from the births of all 3 of the children from her first marriage. Why would she leave so much behind? :scratchhead:

I've been wondering about the WAW moniker, and now I know. She is definitely a WAW. I have no clue how she can just leave all the memories behind. I am truly baffled.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know a woman, she used to be a friend, and when she divorced her last husband and moved into a new house she left everything-her furniture, her dog and all her old friends. Cutting the ties was abrupt and a few of our friends got really angry. She could compartmentalize to the extreme. Old marriage-old friends. But leaving the dog behind was a real act of cruelty. I ended up calling animal rescue because the dog was neglected. The husband was in another town and it wasn't his dog. He had no idea.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Arendt said:


> One question: what have people done with their beds? My current bed is a queen size thing that she and I picked out when we got married. It is comfortable. I like it. My cats like it (and think it is theirs and theirs alone sometimes). But I am debating on whether and when to get a different one.


I kept mine. Just moved to "his side". Turned the matress and I have 2 golden retrievers that take the rest of the empty space  Not spending in a new bed for sure.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

movealong said:


> Just found her box of pictures and keepsakes from the births of all 3 of the children from her first marriage. Why would she leave so much behind? :scratchhead:
> 
> I've been wondering about the WAW moniker, and now I know. She is definitely a WAW. I have no clue how she can just leave all the memories behind. I am truly baffled.


Wow! That's weird cause is part of HER life more than yours. I made sure to bring EVERYTHING I loved from the weekend house that could be transported. My sewing machine, cutting board, scrapbooking and knitting stuff... clothes... I didnt want to leave something that reminded STBXH about me. We are done, we are done.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

movealong said:


> Just found her box of pictures and keepsakes from the births of all 3 of the children from her first marriage. Why would she leave so much behind? :scratchhead:
> 
> I've been wondering about the WAW moniker, and now I know. She is definitely a WAW. I have no clue how she can just leave all the memories behind. I am truly baffled.


It was building all along. By the time she got to where she was ready to leave she was either desperate to go or had given up all hope for her past.

The thing to keep in mind is that she was ready to go long before she told you. That is why she so much behind.

Mine was saying how "little she had" until I cleaned out the house and brough her nearly 40 boxes of her stuff.

Like I said before. Clean out her stuff systematically and carefully since they are her memories. 
Deliver them to her and let her sort them out.


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