# how to stop being sad even though i dont want her anymore



## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

ok here it is

my feelings lately have been really screwed up. I wanted to move on from my wife infidelity and just let bygones be bygones. Without the relationship there was no reason to focus on the recovery or the reason for it. Anyway as time goes by me and my ex seem to say things that provoke each other. I have said things that increase her existing insecurities and she does the same. Then one of us will call the other to confront it and it turns into a discussion that is so unhealthy. Very much like when we were together. I know the things I say are not meant to hurt and hers as well but somehow they do. I guess I am sad because after all these years and all we went through that I can even like her anymore. I thought that when we ended it our love would die but the like would survive but it seems it doesn't either. What can I do with this feeling? Why does it upset me so? ANY IDEAS 

:scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Why are you still in contact with her? I'm not familiar with your story, but unless there is a kid or some sort of really, truly important reason to be in touch with her, why contact her?

I struggle each and every day with wanting to contact my ex. I've identified that I have codependancy issues and am starting to work on those, you might want to look into that.

Recovery Patterns of Codependence

Cut the connection. Start working for yourself. I seem to recall in another post that you said you have a new girlfriend, focus on her more. Focus on hobbies. Get outdoors, soak up the sun. Make plans, plans you never could have made with her. Live!


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

hey, i know what you are going thru. my wife and i are in the process of completing paperwork to split up and we are each saying things that seem to be aimed at sparking a reaction (typically negative) from the other. no one likes going through this and both sides are in a lot of pain, so it's only natural to throw jabs at each other.

i don't know if this works for you, but i try to remember the good times i had and see my stbxw in the best light possible. it hurts, of course, but it helps me get some of the recent negativity off my mind. that, and i just try to avoid contact so there is no opportunity to throw verbal punches. is there a reason why you both feel the need to correpond so often, at least in the short term, now that it's over?


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

heh, SRN beat me to the punch about the contact.


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

well the contact is due to small children we have together. Yes it would be nice to totally disengage but honestly I really thought that after all these years friends was theleast we could be. It hurts that not even a friendship can survive infidelity.

guess i was hoping for too much


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

ah, i see.

i know...it just sucks that someone you were so close with and could share anything with feels like a total stranger and even worse, sometimes like your worst enemy (because they know you so well, they know what buttons to push).

i think restraint and time are essential. when you say things, try to keep things cordial. when she says things that are meant to provoke you, try to restrain the first reaction. i know that is extremely difficult given how you are feeling, but try try try. she may even see the change in you and your ability to refuse taking the bait. the second part is time. i don't necessarily believe 'time cures all things', but it does soften things for sure.

sorry i can't be more specific right now. i'm just trying to heed my own advice as i go thru my thing as well... good luck!


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> ah, i see.
> 
> i know...it just sucks that someone you were so close with and could share anything with feels like a total stranger and even worse, sometimes like your worst enemy (because they know you so well, they know what buttons to push).
> 
> ...



thanks


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