# how can I gain my husband back ?



## tugba (Oct 16, 2017)

Hi All,
I really need some advices..
Subject is really long but I want to make a short summary.. Unfortunately I cheated with someone and my husband learned this on July. 3 months ago...
Honestly I did not feel any love to the other person, the thing I feel was only sense of likeness.As much as he told me how beatiful ı am etc I wanted to hear this more and continue this game. My husband saw some messages that include love sentences so he thinks I really loved another man. I One day he told me that he can forgive me only if ı tell him everything and I did.. ı told him everything but he did not believe.. He thinks we had sex but no.. we did not.. Of course I told my husband many times how regretfull I am, I love him and want to save my marriage again. Firstly he told me that he exactly wants to devorce but I really begged him for monhts.. btw we have a son 18 months. 2 weeks ago he told me that he will forgive me because of my son and specified me that he does not want to speak about this topic again. But only 2 weeks later , yesterday he told me that he can not live with that he wants to devorce although our son. Btw I am taking support from a psychologist but he thinks that it is not useful so he does not want to take..
I want to ask your advices about how I can gain my husband back ? how this peace process can be real.. I feel like if he really wants to devorce he could do that months ago. I think his mind also not so clear.
My doctor says after talking everything clearly his emotions can change very often, first days sometimes he will say that he can not devorce but 2 days he can change, this is what my doctor said. 
if there is anyone who had same experiences before, can u tell me how was your process and when our relationship can be better. When my husband can feel calm? what can ı do to gain him back...

thank u all..


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

tugba said:


> Hi All,
> I really need some advices..
> Subject is really long but I want to make a short summary.. Unfortunately I cheated with someone and my husband learned this on July. 3 months ago...
> Honestly I did not feel any love to the other person, the thing I feel was only sense of likeness.As much as he told me how beatiful ı am etc I wanted to hear this more and continue this game. My husband saw some messages that include love sentences so he thinks I really loved another man. I One day he told me that he can forgive me only if ı tell him everything and I did.. ı told him everything but he did not believe.. He thinks we had sex but no.. we did not.. Of course I told my husband many times how regretfull I am, I love him and want to save my marriage again. Firstly he told me that he exactly wants to devorce but I really begged him for monhts.. btw we have a son 18 months. 2 weeks ago he told me that he will forgive me because of my son and specified me that he does not want to speak about this topic again. But only 2 weeks later , yesterday he told me that he can not live with that he wants to devorce although our son. Btw I am taking support from a psychologist but he thinks that it is not useful so he does not want to take support.
> ...


Schedule a lie detector test. Prove to him you didn't sleep with the OM.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You cheated, you broke the trust in your marriage, you may never get it back. You have to pull out all the stops to prove to your BH that you mean what you say, you an start by not making excuses for cheating.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place.You have cheated on him and he doesn’t trust you.Yet you want him to believe all your messages to the other guy were lies.
Your biggest problem is that he found out himself,you didn’t own up. He knows you would have continued with this emotional affair and and he probably thinks it would have become physical if he hadn’t found out.
Frankly you don’t sound remorseful,just sorry that your little side affair was discovered.And anyway,what has changed really in his treatment of you that you want him back so badly.Has he suddenly become the best husband in the world or were you rewriting history to justify your romance.
Until you understand why you let another man into your marriage you remain likely to cheat again.In other words you need to work on yourself,not him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some people can forgive and forget, some cannot. If he cannot, then you have no future together. 

It sounds like you cheated because you were craving affection. Has your husband not been providing the affection you need? If so, is it worth staying together?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

That's something also happened to me and my wife. Last June she told me about her affairs and I understand your husband. At this point he is in a middle of an emotional turmoil. Some days he's happy and other days he's sad, hurt, disappointed and betrayed. From my own experience, I tell you give him enough room. Don't crowd him with your repentance. Concentrate in your baby, don't fight, don't blame your husband for anything. You made your deliverated choice of cheating wether you slept or not with the other guy. Disclose any info when your husband asks you. Be there for him if he asks, don't force it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I would say that you need to make a major effort at apologizing every time you see him, reminding him that he's the only man you love and will ever love. You literally need to be begging for his forgiveness. This is the kind of thing that shatters a man's ego and sense of self-worth. Some men will never get over this, but this is probably the only way it's possible. You might need to offer him things--perhaps sexually--that you never did before. This will give him the feeling that he's "reclaimed" you. You need to go out of your way to convince him that you never had sex and never would have (but is this true?).

If your country has something called a post-nuptial agreement, you might offer this as well. This is a legal agreement made by an attorney that promises you will never cheat again, and if you do, you'll be subject to a divorce that leaves you with very little money.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

Okay, so you cheated on your husband, and now you wonder why his feelings are up and down like a roller coaster. Moreso, you expect a magic wand to be waved to make all this resentment go away.

I have to be harsh here. I feel it is your husband who needs to post on this site, it would be interesting (to say the least) to hear his take on this. You cheated. Don't try to make yourself the victim.

If you think that he "showed you no love or affection", jumping into bed with another guy is not the answer. Talking to him about it beforehand would have been a better idea. Talking to him NOW, now that the damage is done, don't be too surprised if it is too late. He may want to stay with you, at least for the sake of the child, but I doubt that he will ever trust you again.


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## Privatewife (Oct 2, 2017)

You broke his trust. You will never know what you husband goes through. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. You went from one extreme to the other. You disrespect him in a brutal way. You were selfish. You turned his life upside down and changed it forever. That is the type of hurt inflicted on your husband. Put yourself in his shoes and even then you will never understand. 
It is not just as easy to say sorry and you were only sorry once caught. He might never trust you again. 
Where do you start?? I don't know. Honesty. Give him time to and when he wants to talk, you better be honest.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

You can start by not making excuses for your behavior and acknowledging that lack of affection is not an excuse for what you did. Maybe at a later time you can address the faults in your husband but now is not the time. You need to own this 100% and like someone else suggested, take a lie detector test.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I actually wrote an article on this very subject, if you're interested. I've been through the same thing and while my husband never said he wanted a divorce, I'm sure he considered it. It's a little long, but it's a compilation of every piece of good advice I've ever gleaned something from as a Wayward Spouse myself.



> Hey there. My name's Ella and I'm sorry you're going through this. You have my full support and empathy. You are NOT a bad person and you deserve good things. I know you have it in you to get through this and survive. May I offer you some advice and resources? I have to warn you, this is going to be a long one, mostly copy-pasted from things I've posted on other infidelity websites.
> 
> *TL;DR: You're not a bad person. Don't hate yourself. Take as much time to relax and heal yourself as you can. Do what your spouse asks you to, but set a deadline for a later date so you can prepare. Validate and comfort yourself. Grieve for the relationship(s) you've lost. Understand your feelings. Try to understand your spouse's feelings. Seriously, DO NOT HATE YOURSELF. Reward yourself for doing the right thing. Click the blue links below for more help. You can do this. I believe in you.*
> 
> ...


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

You need to figure out why you don't feel love. Is it him or is it you. You've already looked for something you feel is missing. Why would you want to spend more years feeling you're getting short changed in the romance department? Think about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Was this just an emotional affair? Was there any sexual contact? Was it just texting or more than that?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You broke his trust then you justify it by saying you did not feel loved by him. That is never an excuse to cheat. If that was the case leave him but dont cheat on him.

That said you must let you husband heal with time. He probably wants to forgive you but the pain and betrayal is still hurting him. From experience it will probably take 2 years for his pain to go away and even if he does forgive the emotional scar will be permanent. Give it time and show true remorse.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your husband is on the post affair roller coaster. Out and back between loving you and hating what you have done. It is very common among betrayed spouses.

Consider the polygraph to prove to him that you did nothing sexual with he AP and that you did/do not love the affair partner.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

so take your hubby to a polygraph test. get strapped in, and answer questions about you did or did not have sex, did or did not love this other guy, did or did not give a BJ, did or did not kiss him, how many times, and on and on.

If you are telling the truth in your post that you did not have sex at all...then this will be proven, and probably WILL make a big difference in your husband's life.


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

Once trust is lost,it takes drastic measures by the offinding spouse to reinstate it. At worst it may be lost forever. At the moment you have the burden of proof to convince him that you are over with the affair,remoseful for hurting him and ready to work to sustain your marriage. Mark you to most men actions speak louder than words,so let him see to it that the you carry yourself convince him you're really committed to work out on sustaning your marriage.

Sent from my Lenovo X2-AP using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Just my opinion from my experience.
Even if you take a polygraph test don't expect him to change quickly.

It may take a lot of time for him to believe and trust you again. 

All you can really do is working on you and do what he need you to do for rebuilding, of course don't do things that you are not comfortable with.

Sent from my Z971 using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@tugba, welcome to TAM. From your post I think you are not in the USA or the UK, which means that somes of the usual advice might not work.

Are there any polygraph (lie detector) experts easily available in your country?

Your husband doesn't want counselling.

That's a pity as I think it would help him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Regardless of whether it was an EA or a PA, marital trust was duly broken!

That being said, it may take a lifetime to get it even remotely restored!*


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> @tugba, welcome to TAM. From your post I think you are not in the USA or the UK, which means that somes of the usual advice might not work.
> 
> Are there any polygraph (lie detector) experts easily available in your country?
> 
> ...


It does not surprise me that your husband doesn't want to accept counselling. From my own experience, I can tell you that there are good counsellors and bad counsellors depending on their education and experience dealing with marital affairs. It is 50/50 that you will get one that can help you or your husband through this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@tugba, which country are you in? I will hopefully get you some links of help specific for your country to help you and your husband.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

how would you feel if he had an A?

think hard about it. then you may get a clue about his pain.

but only a clue.

You did this with a young child. Did you think about your family during your A?

you could earn some money and pay to go to affair recovery.com.

be thankful for every day that he gives you as a gift.

Start protecting your marriage. stop all contact forever with the OM. expose the A to the OM's family, your family, your H's family.

put your H first, protect him and your marriage and make the OM suffer for his part in the A.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Regardless of whether it was an EA or a PA, marital trust was duly broken!
> 
> That being said, it may take a lifetime to get it even remotely restored!*


an EA bs PA would make a BIG difference to me! Get that polygraph test.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> an EA bs PA would make a BIG difference to me! Get that polygraph test.


*An EA has the same disastrous and deceitful intent and circumstances that a PA does!

The only real difference is that they’ve not quite gotten around to getting their naughty bits wet with each other yet! 

Or, in reality, they actually do, but they just lie their a$$e$ off about it!*


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## qwy (Dec 15, 2017)

Wait!!! EllaSuaveterre you told another man you love him and if he would not have turned violent you would have had cheated physically as well as emotionally on your husband with this man

and your husband forgave you??? 

He took you back???

HE SOUNDS LIKE A REAL LOSEEEEEER! 

No wonder it is so easy for you to leave him for other men...


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Zombie-ish thread.

But if I hazard a guess at OP's culture (and of course her husband's) (don't ask how I take a guess), and if I am right, no amount of counselling will bring him back.

Tough.


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