# Why is he doing this to me?



## aglaia (Jan 19, 2010)

My husband hasn’t spoken to me in three days. Let me explain. I told my parents things aren’t well with us and I was considering divorce. My parents told me to go to counseling and try to work it out. In my culture (I’m Indian) we sometimes ask our friends to come join us in prayer. My parents asked some of their friends to pray with them. They did not tell them the reason why. (My brother is also going through a rough patch and they were praying for him too). This made me happy and I told my husband. He got soo angry! He did not want them knowing anything about our relationship. And now he is not speaking to me.
Lately he has been distant, rude and angry often. He started to have panic attacks and I told him he needs to see someone for it. He did not want to and said he can handle his own stress and does not need to see doctors and therapists like I do. (I have depression). We have had sex maybe 10 times in the past 8 months. He does not feel like being intimate with me. He will not tell me what is going on with him and he has stopped doing housework. He does not help me unless I beg him. (Before we were married he was attentive, kind, helpful with the house and regularly intimate). I told him we need to work things out and try our hardest to stop this downward spiral. He refuses to go to counseling. He does not think we have a problem.
Let me backup. My husband has low self esteem and he really wants my parents to like him. My parents love him as a son and show him that respect. However he never “feels” it. He always thinks they are out to get him. My husband (let’s call him Sam) is the eldest child. When he was young, his father told him that he was in charge of taking care of his family. Until we got married, Sam was paying for his younger brother’s private school and giving them up to $35,000 a year. I was shocked at this. His father quit/retired at 61 but he has a 11 year old at home. I asked my husband who will feed his family. (His mother is also unemployed). Right now they are living off of his sister’s salary. I told my husband I do not think his brother should be going to a private school his parents can’t pay for and that his father should act like a man and support his own family. Sam stopped giving them money that month. This was around the time we got married one year ago. His father was very upset about the marriage because he saw that my family was “richer” than his. (My family is also a higher caste than my husband’s.) Sam’s father harassed my priest and told him that I was going to steal Sam’s money. 
His father called me a prostitute, my father a donkey and my family a band of gypsies. All very bad insults in our culture. He told Sam he hated my guts and wanted his family back the way it was. Meaning he wanted Sam to pay for his living and me out of the picture. He also wants his son to stay with him and take care of him. He has two other grown children, a daughter who is 28 and they are living off of. A son who is 25 and a loser (recently fired) and the now 12 year old son. He used to beat his wife. Sam is the only child who ever gave him the time of day. The others are all afraid of him. He has always told Sam he is dying to get him to do things.
He has knee pain and his friend told him to get surgery. He does not do his physical therapy, try to lose weight or anything. He now wants Sam to take care of him. I asked my husband how long he will be gone and he would not give me an answer.
In these past 10 months I have seen a new side of my husband. He can get very angry and he is very passive aggressive. I do not understand why he will not speak to me or act like an adult. I feel lost and helpless. I don’t want to be in this marriage. I want my best friend back.
How do I deal with him? This situation?


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