# Disentanglement-- how to not let your ex get to you



## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Quick back story-- married 7 1/2 years, 7 yo daughter, 3 yo son, about 18 months ago she decided she didn't want to be married-- I love you but I am not in love with you.


It has been about 18 months since our marriage was basically over. 

She is still contacting me constantly, under the guise of 'something important' or 'the kids', and it is a fine line between ignoring her and making sure the kids are taken care of. 

Last week I went to FL for a few days alone, but she knows I have been dating someone. She apparently doesn't know it is not too serious, and since it is not any of her business I don't tell her the nature of it. 

The day I left she was texting me, whose car is in your driveway? Well, the girl stayed over and gave me a ride to the airport. Then she said, I am really happy for you, and I hope you two have fun. 

Clearly fishing to see if I was actually going alone like I said. 

I made the mistake of asking her to check on the cats while I was gone, but mostly so the kids could come over and see them too (since they are their cats). 

Of course that turned into drama when she pretty much ruined the last night by calling me and complaining that one of the cats got out the door and she had to climb a tree, etc. She has a common text of 'I need to talk to you now' or 'Call me ASAP' that I have learned to ignore. Well this night, while I was on vac. it was 'I am calling in 10 mins and you better answer your f---ing phone. And no I am not ok'. 

She had a medical procedure last week and I kept the kids and she was already talking about arranging it so that she could go out this weekend for her birthday. Sunday night she wanted to talk and I said I was busy so she texted that she wanted to take the kids tues-friday morning which I said is fine. Of course, 15 mins before they are supposed to be picked up last night, she decides she cannot take care of the kids b.c she doesn't feel good from the procedure, so last minute I pick them up and keep them. I was very close to just ignoring it and letting her figure it out but it is my kids. 

This woman brings drama into her life and then affects me with it. It IS affecting my relationships with other women and I need to find a way to deal with it without letting it put me in a bad mood for days sometimes. It has been a year and a half. I do not want women I date to think I cannot handle this situation. 

I am in IC about every 4-6 weeks now and it is about setting boundaries when it comes up there. Apparently I have not been great about that, bc she has none.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sorry, just to clarify. Are you actually divorced?

In any case, it sounds like what you need to do is to start acting single. You're no longer part of that couple. So, she isn't either. Begin behaving with her as if she were someone you never had an intimate relationship with. Try for polite but apathetic. 

Change the locks on your house and don't give her a key. She's got no business being in your home when you aren't there. Find someone else to check on your cats if you must. Call a friend or neighbor for stuff like that - it's what single people do.

Also, stop speaking with her via telephone. There is literally nothing that cannot be handled via text or email. Direct her to contact you on those. Stop responding to her calls, don't return her voicemail messages. And don't respond to anything in her texts or emails that isn't about the kids. Just pretend there's nothing else in the communication but kid-related stuff. 

Stop initiating any conversation at all with her, beyond the merest pleasantries, unless it's about the children. 

Stick to your custody agreement. The two of you communicate way too much. That will be greatly minimized if you're both following whatever's in the agreement. Then there are no - or at least way fewer - questions and reasons to interact.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes it's crappy having to deal with a co-parent when they use that position to pry for other information. There is a saying us IT guys have around here at work: "lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part". Apply that principle to your communications with her - and also if she's gonna go around "crying wolf" it is her that is going to pay the most.

One of the hardest things I ever had to figure out in this life was right after my separation and what choice to make when my ex was basically seeking out a babysitter for our son when it was her custody, so that she could go out on a saturday night (and friday night and wednesday night and on and on). Bear in mind that was mere months after separating and I was being informed by a mutual friend that she was partying up the single girl life, getting all kinds of sexual attention.

Do I take my son (because I love him) even though I'm still being used and walked on by my ex? If I genuinely could not take my son because I had already planned something else, then the guilt would quickly rise up. In the end I decided that ANY time I can spend with my child I will truly embrace, but I will not tolerate being used as a babysitter, so I would put on whatever stipulations I needed to not feel like that - such as if she drops him off with me I take him for an entire day and record that as my custody - she would try to manipulate that to trade days so that if I took him she felt entitled to a day with him at her request, which I flatly denied. I did tell her I was willing to negotiate other schedules and was flexible, but that she had to make these requests well in advance. I would also make it a point to chastise if she ever did this on short notice, and I learned to drop the guilt if my schedule did not accommodate her lack of foresight.

It didn't really take that long to get to where it is a truly workable solution. There is no longer any stress or anxiety about feeling like I did, because I set that boundary with her and she adapted. Very occasionally I'll get an unreasonable request, and because I practiced working on this boundary before it is much easier to enforce it now. A little practice will go a long way, but first establishing them is the real hard part that will have your mind racing.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> In any case, it sounds like what you need to do is to start acting single. You're no longer part of that couple. So, she isn't either. Begin behaving with her as if she were someone you never had an intimate relationship with. Try for polite but apathetic.
> 
> Change the locks on your house and don't give her a key. She's got no business being in your home when you aren't there. Find someone else to check on your cats if you must. Call a friend or neighbor for stuff like that - it's what single people do.
> 
> ...


100% agree with the above.

If you want to want your ex to stop invading your privacy, the last thing you should be doing is giving her a key to your home or asking her to watch your animals. You're basically giving her very mixed messages.

I only communicate with my ex by email...and I only answer email if I consider it relevant to parenting issues. We maybe send a one-sentence email to each other every 3 or 4 months. 

There's absolutely zero reason that your ex should be calling you or texting you unless you're tolerating the behavior. More importantly, you want email because its verifiable in the event you have a future custody issue. 

Since you've invited some of this, if I were you, I'd send her a polite note saying that you will only be answering communication by email and only if that communication is relevant to parenting issues. You should also attach the court order and let her know that, barring some emergency, that you will be sticking to the parenting schedule.

You have to realize that this situation hasn't been caused by your ex's behavior...its because of yours. You've set really bad habits post divorce with her that have led her to believe that she has a right to interfere in your life. You need to change you and this will fix itself.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

It appears your XW "does not want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either"

What you do with your time... with g/f is none of her damn business.

If the kids are involved with you.... in a way it's still NOHB but it is nice to know where the kids are

even while with X. She is a drama queen and as posters already stated, if you let it, she will suck you in.

Set clear and concise boundaries and stick to them. With my XW the only way she knew how to

contact me was email. I told work to not accept any calls from her, I changed my #, wouldn't even read

emails but three days later (no kids). She is the type if you are dating someone, doesn't matter

if you are serious, FWB, or clearly casual.... she is dying to know the details, especially if she does not have anyone.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Lon said:


> "lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part".


I absolutely love this!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My first thought as I was reading this was that no decent woman is going to put up with this, then I saw your comment about how it's already causing you problems with dates. As others have said you're contributing to this by engaging her. 

My hb's ex did the same thing when I met him. Didn't want him but got an ego boost by being important in his life, and loved to be openly nice while making little snide comments aimed at letting me know that I wasn't as important as her. She needed the ego boost. If he hadn't put a stop to that w wouldn't be married now.

Tell her that you're divorced and communication will
now be kid related only. Then stop responding. Period. And like others have said change your locks, she doesn't need a key. Get someone else to watch your animals. 


Let me give you this little insight into female mentality: she wants to think that you're secretly pining away for her and nobody will ever be as important to you as her. It's a competitive thing between women and she likes to imagine you're waiting as a baxkup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Yea, your life will be made easier if you really restrict the communication. I only do mine through a specific gmail account. Its only used for communication with the X about co parenting. Thats it. Its up to you, she wont do it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Sounds like she wants to control you from the ILYBINILWY point, largely thinking that you will eventually need her again! She sounds a whole lot like a "control freak!"

You may have already answered this but was your initial breakup and separation due to any suspected infidelity on her part?*


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Don't answer your texts/phone from her. Let her calls go to voicemail and then you can determine whether it's truly important or even relevant to you or the kids or not. If it's really an emergency, her text messages won't be so cryptic, she'd spell out whatever "important thing" right there in the text. Likewise, if her call was so important and she can't get ahold of you, she will spell it out right there in a voicemail to get your attention, not bait you with things like, "No, I'm not okay." or whatever melodramatic rambling. 

There was a point in my own separation where things were pretty nasty and I'd communicate in depth only via email. It had the benefit of my then ex (we've reconciled) not being able to deny or recant the things he had agreed to doing. 

Personally, I think watching the kids for her during/immediately after surgery is the right thing to do. Watching the kids on her birthday is a nice thing to do. If I were separated, I'd want to spend the day with my children and then have the evening to go out with my friends and other adults and would also do the same for my ex. Other than things like that, she does need to plan for herself what to do with the children if other plans arise. If she finds it inconvenient, tell her you're sorry to hear that but it's not really up for discussion, then hang up/walk away. Disengage.

Change the locks/take back the key to your house. Don't get her to pet-sit for you or do any other favours that aren't directly related to the care and parenting of your children. Hire someone else to come in sit or have her watch the cats at her place. 

If you have her on any social media sites. Un-friend and block her. 

If you have mutual friends on social media sites that may let her know about your goings-on, put them on limited views to your profile or when you go to update and it's something potentially juicy to gossip about - block them from that particular post. In real life, don't discuss certain things with mutual acquaintances/friends that may talk to your ex wife about it.

Keep telephone and in-person conversations that don't have anything to do with the kids, custody, child support, agreements et al. to a minimum. Don't take the bait when she says things to fish or try to ruffle your feathers. Just steer the conversation back to relevant events or leave the conversation.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Thanks everyone. Every message has been helpful. It feels like she just takes advantage-- her friends have even said this many times-- of my openness and genuine niceness. I am sending her a message today advising that she can email me at xxxx.com going forward, that I am not mad but we need to move on after 18 months apart, and acknowledge that I should not have asked her to check in on the cats. Outlined a schedule-- which is the agreed to schedule from the decree. 

Hopefully she doesn't resent this and accepts it as the best course for both of us.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Unfortunately, it still wont preclude your X from just showing up. My X started doing this more, once she saw that I wanted to limit communication. I was really good at not letting my X get to me like that until a few days ago. I slipped. We got into a raging argument concerning her unannounced visits, expecting to change the schedule at that moment, and walking into my home to engage me. I am more upset that my 15 year old son was there. She uses him to make these changes without going through me. I later apologized to him, and promised him that it would never happen again. I allowed things to build up and could no longer hold them in. I have learned that I should have dealt with this the first time it happened. Stuff happens, we learn to live and work through it. Its a process that can take years.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Respond only to communications that actually do involve the kids. "Who's car was in your driveway?" isn't a legitimate question for an ex to ask and the appropriate response is "none of your business.". If you don't want her in your business, don't invite her and don't tolerate her intruding into areas that don't require her presence. Find someone else to watch the cats. She has no business being in your home when you aren't there.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Well, I sent an email stating we should just communicate via email going forward and gave here the email she should use and so far so good. She responded well to the request actually, hopefully she wont contact me the next time she has an 'emergency' and realizes she CAN handle it on her own. And then when there is a true emergency myself and others around her will react more favorably and be more supportive.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Morcoll said:


> Well, I sent an email stating we should just communicate via email going forward and gave here the email she should use and so far so good. She responded well to the request actually, hopefully she wont contact me the next time she has an 'emergency' and realizes she CAN handle it on her own. And then when there is a true emergency myself and others around her will react more favorably and be more supportive.


Good for you! And if she DOES contact you with one of her "emergencies", make sure that you do NOT respond. :wink2:


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Just an update. 

She was actually receptive to my message that we only communicate via email, though she does not seem real happy about it. 

Her tone when I dropped the kids off at her place yesterday was definitely cold. Feels like she is going to try to look for an opportunity to 'punish' me at some point-- meaning that typically we are pretty flexible re schedules and if there ever comes up a time I might ask to switch days or something she will say no, etc. 

Which is fine. Ill deal with that if it comes up. We have had no calls/texts for 4-5 days now, and emails have involved kids, schedule and a town home we both own and are working on selling.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Morcoll said:


> Just an update.
> 
> She was actually receptive to my message that we only communicate via email, though she does not seem real happy about it.
> 
> ...


She is just pouting because she is used to you bending to her, she'll get over it! :wink2: You're doing great!


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