# Wife cheated and not sure she's over it



## downhowyou22 (Jan 23, 2014)

I apologize up front for the long story. My wife and I met when she was a Freshman in college. Fast forward 4 years and we got married. I had already graduated and was in the Navy at the time. She moved out to San Diego with me and the first year we were married she went home for the Summer. This was about 9 years ago. May 2013 she came clean on not one but two times she cheated on me. Turns out during that Summer when I was deployed she had an affair with a guy that she met out at the bars. She claims it only happened a couple of times that Summer with him and that none of her friends knew about it. 

I left the military in '08 and we had our first kid that year. Two years later in '10 we had our second kid. During her confession last May she told me that she rekindled this affair from '04 in '12 for one night only. About a year later in Dec '12 she was out at the bars and started flirting heavy with her friend's brother. This turned into a 3 month long affair that ended in April '13 right before she confessed everything to me. We definitely were living like two separate people from about the end of '11 through when I found out about the affairs last Spring. I'm not an affectionate person either. She has complained for years that I don't show affection or give her compliments. I honestly believe the lack of attention and treating her like a buddy and not a wife was part of the reason she looked elsewhere. We also were probably having sex maybe once/month. Not blaming myself here but I can see it being part of the cause. 

I convinced her to not leave as I want to work it out and not break up our family. It was obvious talking to her that she had feelings for this second guy and he actually ended it after telling her it wasn't going anywhere with her being married. She agreed to go to counseling and we did for maybe 3 or 4 months last year. We recently moved to a new city and I found text records showing her texting back and forth over the past 3 weeks to the guy that she first cheated on me with. She was in his town last weekend and I also saw a phone call at 1AM that lasted < 1 minute. She's been deleting all the texts. She claims the call was to have someone to talk to in order for her to stay awake on the way home from the bars with some girlfriends that night and that he was actually out of town. She did get a text from him yesterday that said he was in Maui and saw that she had called. She hasn't responded to him since. 

I confronted her and she claims its definitely not an affair and that they just talk about random things. She had sent him a pic of herself as well and claims she likes hearing the compliments that he gives her. This was what she said about both these guys - they make her feel great about herself with all the compliments/attention. She knows this was wrong even though it was just texting. I don't know if I can trust her to give this up and never talk to this guy again. The second guy is actually unavailable because he's dating one of her friends now and they're living together. Luckily she avoids that friend and doesn't want to see him. We also live about 2 hours away which helps a lot.

So she says she's committed to never talking to this guy again and that she knows she shouldn't have even been talking to him based on what happened in the past and how we're fixing our marriage. My wife is definitely attractive and very fit. I'm starting to wonder if she has self esteem issues and that its deeper than simply having the two of us doing joint counseling. Should we begin going individually? Is this a lost cause?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

downhowyou22 said:


> I apologize up front for the long story. My wife and I met when she was a Freshman in college. Fast forward 4 years and we got married. I had already graduated and was in the Navy at the time. She moved out to San Diego with me and the first year we were married she went home for the Summer. This was about 9 years ago. May 2013 she came clean on not one but two times she cheated on me. Turns out during that Summer when I was deployed she had an affair with a guy that she met out at the bars. She claims it only happened a csouple of times that Summer with him and that none of her friends knew about it.
> 
> I left the military in '08 and we had our first kid that year. Two years later in '10 we had our second kid. During her confession last May she told me that she rekindled this affair from '04 in '12 for one night only. About a year later in Dec '12 she was out at the bars and started flirting heavy with her friend's brother. This turned into a 3 month long affair that ended in April '13 right before she confessed everything to me. We definitely were living like two separate people from about the end of '11 through when I found out about the affairs last Spring. I'm not an affectionate person either. She has complained for years that I don't show affection or give her compliments. I honestly believe the lack of attention and treating her like a buddy and not a wife was part of the reason she looked elsewhere. We also were probably having sex maybe once/month. Not blaming myself here but I can see it being part of the cause.
> 
> ...


Sorry but you fill the security stability card while other guys fill the other crap she wants in her life.

Your old lady has a problem with putting her big girl pants on and facing her own issues with commitment. She made a choice to deceive you in stead of taking the tough road and be honorable and bailing on you.
This is a betrayal and you have yet to mention what she plans to do to affair proof the marriage.

Your old lady is blameshifting and hasn't got it....this will happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop blaming your self for your old ladies choice to cheat. It was choice she made ...deceit versus leaving you first!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Cheating is an addiction.....she is telling you what you want to hear.

Do not let let your guard down!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You need to decide your boundaries. Generally reconciliation requires:
- Earnest remorse from her and a desire to make it right
- Commitment and actions to making it right
- NO CONTACT whatsoever
- Self-reflection on why she did it in the first place
- A focus on YOUR healing from a massive and soul-crushing betrayal.

If she's still talking/texting the other man, she is not doing any of those things. She's still acting like an entitled cruel child. You can't even begin to heal until you feel somewhat safe. You aren't. Her excuses are bullsh*t. SHe's still in the affair, at least in her head.

Your best strategy is to come down hard on this.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sorry your here. Read this if you haven't already. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Reconcile is deffinately possible. Going to a MC is a great start. Read as much as you can on TAM with R. It's very difficult. Your trust has been shattered and it takes years to get it back. I would suggest you get an STD test done right away. 

Others will post. Unfortunately I don't have much to add. I wasn't able to R with my stbxw. It would be a good idea to be familiar with a 180. It's posted on the bottom of my post. It will give you a good idea on how to set boundaries with her and yours progress.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You are a warrior. You've served your country and have bigger balls than most of us. Find that anger and realize that you can have other women, if you want. You do not need to put up with a woman that is half in, half out. She needs to choose. NOW. And any more waffling, or texting bullsh*t is her choosing to go.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

You're living in an open marriage and don't even realise it.

The other dudes do.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

downhowyou22 said:


> a guy that she met out at the bars.
> About a year later in Dec '12 she was out at the bars
> someone to talk to in order for her to stay awake on the way home from the bars


I suggest you keep your wife out of bars.

T


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Stop blaming yourself for not being perfect in meeting all of her needs. As humans none of us are perfect. If perfection is the standard required for a spouse to not cheat, then everyone has an excuse to cheat. BTW, if you read your post, your wife is not meeting your needs, so if you buy the perfections standard, why are you not entitled to also cheat?

Your wife has cheated on you from the very beginning of your marraige, and continued being in contact with her lovers even when you were recently in MC . She is an un-remorseful serial cheater, that still goes to bars without you like a single girl as she looks for other men. One friend's bother has slept with your wife, and another friend is now living with another of your wife's lovers; interesting that this guy is unavailable to your wife once he moved in with the friend, yet you being her husband was not such a factor. Her friends and lifestyle are all toxic to your marraige. She is not sorry that she cheated, she is only sorry when she gets caught. She will cheat again, because there has never been any real consequences when you find out about it, so cheating has been allowed to become a part of the very fabric of her marriage to you. In her mind, your in-action is viewed as a tacit acceptance by you of her cheating. Sorry but unless you want an open marraige, this marraige cannot be saved, since she never viewed it as exclusive.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Why were you only interested in sex once a month? What was missing for you there?


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## downhowyou22 (Jan 23, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Why were you only interested in sex once a month? What was missing for you there?


I'm very much interested in it more than once/month but I was filling the need in other ways (alone). We usually go to bed at different times as she's a stay at home mom and I wake up at 5 each day and so she's usually up until midnight. This didn't help the cause. 

As to the STD comment I've been tested and yes I have HPV now. She thought it was a good idea to have unprotected sex with this guy last year because he was "fixed" and couldn't have kids. Something that enraged me considering that we practice the pull-out method for the past several years (yes I know its not very effective).

These two people live in a city about 2 hours away in her home town which means she was traveling down to visit her parents, go to wedding showers, baby showers, etc for friends and so it was an opportunity for her to hook up with him while I stayed home with the kids or while I was at her parents' house with our kids. The only times she's ever at the bars is when she's visiting her parents in the town she grew up in and its not very often (maybe a couple times/year). She's also liked to dance and is a very social person so when she's at the bars its with other girls. I despise her going down there based on what's happened in that town twice during our marriage. I've been with her on a couple occasions but not very often. She's a very touchy/feely person when she's drunk and wants everyone to be her friend. I think based on this she gives off the wrong impression when she's drunk whereas she should be firm and even mean if a guy tries to hit on her. But like I said she loves the attention and compliments that come out of it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I appreciate that many on here are open to reconciling with their spouse after an affair. I can respect that. But to me, if my spouse cheated on me AND I ended up with an STD, then I think that would be an automatic deal breaker. I'm pretty sure that I could not ever get over it if my wife had an affair. I've been called out by people here who stated that you never know what you will really do until you experience it. Fair enough.

But to know that your wife gave you an STD as a result of her cheating??? IDK, I don't think I'd get over that. At some point you have to draw the line and proclaim "no more!".


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You already have the std t-shirt.

File already. Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior.

She has cheated and cheated and cheated.

What were the consequences? Did you expose her cheating to her family, your family and the OM's family?

Tell her girlfriend about her cheating with her now boyfriend. She has not stopped. Have you had her sign an agreement that if she ever cheats again, that she gets no alimony, you get the kids, and she pays you child support? 

Affairs like the dark. Stop all the GNO crap. Shine the light on her affairs. And you deserve better. File for divorce already, after you get the signed agreement. She does not respect you.

You have served our country. Serve yourself now. She is in an open marriage, you were never informed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Open marriage? Doesn't sound like any kind of marriage. She does what she wants. She cant even bring herself to bed with you.

She can't be trusted out of your sight.

Why did she confess all this sh!t in the first place? Sounds like she knows you will put up with anything she does? May be enjoying putting you through this.

I've seen guys abused here many times but this takes a top award.

Since it has been proven here 100% of the time, no matter what a cheater tells you, its much worse than you know. If it seems odd or doesn't make sense (like she wont do the one dude anymore because he's with a firend) its a lie.

Make her go to individual counseling and give you the permission to stay in contact with the counselor, otherwise divorce her. Serial cheaters cannot be stopped.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She cheated and damaged your health with an std. She has shown that she has no issue cheating on you and lying her a$$ off about it. Do not assume you know everything yet 

Paternity test the kids 
Ask her to take a polygraph. Judge her reaction be prepared for more details. 

Do not accept blame for her decision. You were in the same marriage with unmet needs and didn't cheat. She made a choice to betray you, your marriage and your family. 

See a lawyer. ASAP check your options. 

Do a 180 and do it for yourself. 

Do not continue to have unprotected sex with your wife. She could give you another std.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I see this behavior of hers continuing pretty much unabated. She takes whatever man she wants with no real consequences from you. She knows you're not going to do anything about it, so she promises she'll be good.....until the next time she gets plastered, and screws some other guy. I feel for you. I don't know how you keep putting up with this, because, see, she's not going to stop. The pattern is set, and she'll just keep following it until you finally have had enough and leave her. You've been a hell of a lot more patient with her than she deserves, certainly more than I would. I doubt I'd have stayed after finding out about the first time she strayed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. Yor wife is mentally off. Get yourself into counseling. Mc is pointless with her problems. She has a serious character flaw. She can't be loyal out of your sight.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What state do you live in?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A little different take here. Agree with previous posters that your wife is a serial cheater. She is though in her way honest. She has confessed, suggesting a call for help. She knows she cannot stop herself. She wants you to do it. Do you want watch her for the rest of your marriage? You will have to.

Do you love her?

Does she love you? Doesn't sound like she is a good liar. What does she say?

No GNO in bars.
You need an app on her phone so you can track her. And when she is in her hometown you need to track her and talk to her.

You need to expose to her family so that they do not enable her to cheat.

Stop jerking off. Make sure you have lots of sex with her. You need to make it exciting for her. Sometimes it should be tender. Other times rough. Make her sex life an adventure.

Since she has HPV you must remind her to get PAP smears every year. That virus causes cancer. Killed my cousin who caught it from her cheating ex. Two of her kids were still teens. Lose your mom before you graduate from high school? Not a good start in life.

What sports do you play?

Keep yourself in shape.

Listen to your wife. Be the leader she wants. Respect yourself.

Divorce is easy but potentially bad for your kids.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm really sorry that you're here. your wife sounds selfish and uncaring and i can't imagine the rollercoaster ride of living with her lies and deceit. i hope you are taking care of yourself. 
decide what's best for you and the kids then make that happen. 

how can you ever trust that they havent been hooking up again? people reconnect with old lovers for pretty much one reason and that isn't to tell them they are happily married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

downhowyou22 said:


> I'm very much interested in it more than once/month but I was filling the need in other ways (alone). We usually go to bed at different times as she's a stay at home mom and I wake up at 5 each day and so she's usually up until midnight. This didn't help the cause.



Do you watch porn? Does she know? If you're on the computer alone a lot for work I am guessing you watch porn. Did that decrease your interest in your wife?

Why are you waking up at 5 each day? I though you worked from home on your own business?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

You have been given excellent advice here. Most of the time we tell people that the affair was 100% the fault of the WS. In your case, I will make an exception. Her SERIAL cheating is 50% your fault. 

Did she at least tell you that she was sorry that she gave you a STD from the OM (or men) that you will have for the rest of your life and have to tell any future woman about? Did you report her to the health department? 

If she gets cervical cancer from her STD are you going drive her to the doctor’s office, hold her hand and pay her medical bills? You took care of the kids while she f**ked. Are you going to take care of the kids while she is receiving cancer treatments?

You have accepted a false premise and she knows it. The premise is that you have to stay married to her no matter what. She has suffered no consequences for her behavior whatsoever. If she enjoys f**king other men, why in the world would she stop. She would be a fool to stop under your current conditions. 

***NOTE*** The OP did NOT say the following. I only use it to illustrate the relationship with his WS.

BS: “Naughty, naughty, must not f**k other men honey.”
WS: “I’m sorry, but you know how I like to drink and dance.”
BS: I know baby. May I give you a hug?”

File for D now and tell her that you are going to DNA the kids to at least get her attrition. Then follow the other advice here.

***EDIT***

Some men don't want to know that the kids aren’t theirs biologically. Even if you're one of them (or somehow know they are your kids), bluff in order to shock her. If you do want to know, buy a kit at WalMart for $30. You send it to a lab and pay $130 more. All you do is rub a Q-tip inside the cheek.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> I suggest you keep your wife out of bars.
> 
> T


CAPTAIN OBVIOUS award goes to Tony today.

Suggest 3 things.
a) Full open relationship
b) Divorce her already
c) Join that board for guys who have hotwives and dont mind it.

Current path is emotional suicide. After ?4? affairs it aint gonna get better. 

I wish they would at least reinstate AOA lawsuits for guys who fvck deployed military men's wives.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> BS: “Naughty, naughty, must not *f**k other men honey.”
> WS: “I’m sorry, but you know how I like to drink and dance.”
> BS: I know baby. May I give you a hug?”


Ugh, this makes me ill.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

You can't fix this situation. Get a divorce, unless you are prepared to live with this cheating, lying, untrustworthy trickle-truther the rest of your life.

Stop wasting you life with this person.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When you said she was a SAHM, I have to ask, when does she stay at home? Seems like this woman likes to go bar hopping and have a good time on your dime. 

Now friend you have to start getting real. She's had multiple affairs and IMO has no intentions of stopping if she's still in contact with BF#1. One affair is bad enough, two is unacceptable and now you have HPV and you didn't get that by kissing dirty toilet seats so in reality what is left of your marriage to save? 

Your the one that needs to open your eyes and put a end to this disaster. Get rid of her because she's nothing but a anchor around your neck and the sooner you do this the better you will be.

Yes you have kids with her and you can be a good father without her in your life. With her making your life a living hell it will take the time away from your kids and they need you and it's obvious that they will need at least one parent with a compass that isn't broke. 

Listen to the people on this forum. Their here to help you because they walked a mile in your shoes. They know what you going through and you have the help here when you need it but you have to help yourself at the same time. Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> Most of the time we tell people that the affair was 100% the fault of the WS. In your case, I will make an exception. *Her SERIAL cheating is 50% your fault.*


OP, graywolf nailed it.

Look, a majority of the advice here is pointing you toward divorce. Let me take a shot at helping you understand why.

It's difficult enough to R with a spouse who cheated once and subsequently demonstrates remorse. But when you add the serial cheating element, the odds for avoiding a false R and/or for her not cheating again; are extremely low. I would never advise R with a serial cheater for this reason. 

And why did she become a serial cheater? Among other reasons; because you did not give her severe consequences, if any, after you found out about her first A. That would have included boundaries, transparency, accepting exposure, and the very real belief, that if she didn't comply or cheated again, you'd be gone.

Now, nothing short of an actual divorce, will instill that belief.

It's certainly your choice on whether to R with your wife. I'm just suggesting that I see very little hope that it will be successful. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry you're here.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know you are taking in a lot of advice and not hearing much about what you are doing and she is doing. I know you want to R but there are some hard truths you need to deal with

1. your old marriage is dead, she killed it. You can have a new one but the old one is gone. 
2. She is not the person you thought she was, she lies and cheats, not just to you but she placed the kids well being behind her needs.
3. If you want to save a marriage you need to be willing to walk away from it. You must be willing to D and she needs to believe it. The only way that is going to happen is to file for D and have her served. You do not have to complete but she has to know you mean it.
4. She needs to be the one chasing you and she has to be the leader in I want to fix it, not you.
5. Have you exposed to her family, have you exposed to the OM's gf, wife, family. You need to get that done and do not tell anyone you are going to do it.


I am so sorry you have an STD, that would be a deal killer for me and I am a big fan of R even more so with kids involved but she risked your life and health for attention and sex. That is pretty low in my book.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would say D, lost cause, and lawyer up.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

downhowyou22 said:


> I'm very much interested in it more than once/month but I was filling the need in other ways (alone).


 So what you are saying is that you want more sex with your wife, but have to satisfy your needs alone when she is putting her effort into meeting the sexual needs of other men. Wow. Just Wow. Sex with your spouse 10 or less times a year is defined by researchers as a "sexless marraige". At approximately once per month, you are either in a sexless marriage or almost there.


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## too (May 27, 2013)

Dude, if you stay with her she's almost certainly going to cheat on you again.

You've now taken her back twice after finding out about her cheating on you. There has been no consequence for her cheating. Blow it up, let her friends and family know what she's done. Her second OM is in a relationship with her friend, let the friend know.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

too said:


> Dude, if you stay with her she's almost certainly going to cheat on you again.
> 
> You've now taken her back twice after finding out about her cheating on you. There has been no consequence for her cheating. Blow it up, let her friends and family know what she's done. Her second OM is in a relationship with her friend, let the friend know.


Get all the info and blow her cleanly and clearly out of the water across the board.

All the people she's decieving, bad talking, whatever she's slipping on as a result of the affairs.


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## downhowyou22 (Jan 23, 2014)

I'll clarify a few questions that have popped up. I appreciate all the feedback and I was prepared for it to be harsh. As far as me letting her get away with it that's actually been only once. I found out about both affairs at the same time when she came clean with everything April '13. This confession covered incidents that happened as far back as '04 and as recent as March '13. She actually wanted to move out after she told me as she claims to have thought I already knew and that I wouldn't care. This just shows how bad our relationship had gotten IMO. When she found out I do actually care (I was ****ing pissed honestly and still am) then she came around and realized that family was more important. At least that's what I thought as we started MC and things were going better up until last weekend when I found that she had contacted guy #1 via texting over the past 2 weeks and tried calling him late one night when he was out of town but didn't answer. So this is why I'm here...I thought we were progressing until I find that crap.

As far as who knows I made her tell her Mom who she is very close with. Her Mom was very upset but to this day she won't tell her husband (my wife's Dad). Her parents are pretty religious but I get the feeling that they aren't very good at talking about tough issues and her Mom is hoping myself and a counselor will fix it. Other than that only one or two of her friends know about guy #1. I don't believe any of them know about guy #2. My wife is terrified of her girlfriend finding out that her current boyfriend had a 3-month affair with my wife prior to starting to date him. Part of this fear is because its a small town that she came from and I'm sure everyone would find out. My wife honestly thinks that this will never come out but I guaranteed her that if I ever see this POS in person then its coming out and I'm either going to beat the hell out of him or get knocked out trying.

Guy #1 and my wife have no mutual friends and I think he's single. I was planning to force her to reply to his text and tell him its over and that I know about everything and to never contact her again. She wants to ignore his text and block his phone number as her way of making it go away...that's not enough for me.

Lastly about the bar comments. She doesn't go to the bars anywhere near where we live (its only if she's at home visiting which is over 2 hours away). This happens maybe 4-5 times/yr honestly and its not usually her just leaving me here and driving down there on her own. Most of the time I go with her to her parents' house and when I do its rare that she goes out without me or goes out at all. This affair from Jan '13 - Mar '13 was probably 4 different times she was down there without me for things like baby showers, bridal showers, birthday parties, etc. In April when she confessed I logged onto her FB account (didn't think she still had the same password) and found a long message thread between her and guy #2. This affair became daily phone calls and texts back and forth while she was at home with our kids, I was at work, and this guy works nights. I think this is part of her problem...she got used to this daily attention and now craves it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

downhowyou22 said:


> I'll clarify a few questions that have popped up. I appreciate all the feedback and I was prepared for it to be harsh. As far as me letting her get away with it that's actually been only once. I found out about both affairs at the same time when she came clean with everything April '13. This confession covered incidents that happened as far back as '04 and as recent as March '13. She actually wanted to move out after she told me as she claims to have thought I already knew and that I wouldn't care. This just shows how bad our relationship had gotten IMO. When she found out I do actually care (I was ****ing pissed honestly and still am) then she came around and realized that family was more important. At least that's what I thought as we started MC and things were going better up until last weekend when I found that she had contacted guy #1 via texting over the past 2 weeks and tried calling him late one night when he was out of town but didn't answer. So this is why I'm here...I thought we were progressing until I find that crap.
> 
> As far as who knows I made her tell her Mom who she is very close with. Her Mom was very upset but to this day she won't tell her husband (my wife's Dad). Her parents are pretty religious but I get the feeling that they aren't very good at talking about tough issues and her Mom is hoping myself and a counselor will fix it. Other than that only one or two of her friends know about guy #1. I don't believe any of them know about guy #2. My wife is terrified of her girlfriend finding out that her current boyfriend had a 3-month affair with my wife prior to starting to date him. Part of this fear is because its a small town that she came from and I'm sure everyone would find out. My wife honestly thinks that this will never come out but I guaranteed her that if I ever see this POS in person then its coming out and I'm either going to beat the hell out of him or get knocked out trying.
> 
> ...


Burn all her bridges back into that cheaters/party territory.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

downhowyou22 said:


> She has complained for years that I don't show affection or give her compliments. I honestly believe the lack of attention and treating her like a buddy and not a wife was part of the reason she looked elsewhere. We also were probably having sex maybe once/month. Not blaming myself here but I can see it being part of the cause.


No, it was not part of the cause. I'm sure she's relieved that you think so, though.



> It was obvious talking to her that she had feelings for this second guy and he actually ended it after telling her it wasn't going anywhere with her being married.


So, you're her second choice because he ended it instead of her. 



> We recently moved to a new city and I found text records showing her texting back and forth over the past 3 weeks to the guy that she first cheated on me with. She was in his town last weekend and I also saw a phone call at 1AM that lasted < 1 minute. She's been deleting all the texts.


Look for the phone search thread on this forum and search for the deleted texts on her phone, when you can. 



> She claims the call was to have someone to talk to in order for her to stay awake on the way home from the bars with some girlfriends that night and that he was actually out of town. She did get a text from him yesterday that said he was in Maui and saw that she had called. She hasn't responded to him since.


That you know of. 



> I confronted her and she claims its definitely not an affair and that they just talk about random things.


Did they just have random sex during the affair? Sorry for the sarcasm, but this isn't a woman committed 2 you or your family. 



> She had sent him a pic of herself as well and claims she likes hearing the compliments that he gives her.


Just what the next OM needs is a weak-willed woman 2 take advantage of. 



> This was what she said about both these guys - they make her feel great about herself with all the compliments/attention. She knows this was wrong even though it was just texting. I don't know if I can trust her to give this up and never talk to this guy again. The second guy is actually unavailable because he's dating one of her friends now and they're living together.


Why should that stop him? It didn't stop your W.



> So she says she's committed to never talking to this guy again and that she knows she shouldn't have even been talking to him based on what happened in the past and how we're fixing our marriage. My wife is definitely attractive and very fit. I'm starting to wonder if she has self esteem issues and that its deeper than simply having the two of us doing joint counseling. Should we begin going individually?


I would go for IC for yourself.



> Is this a lost cause?


It may very well be. That's for you 2 decide.

-ol' 2long


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

She hasn't even really taken her affairs underground, lol. She has such little respect for you that she doesn't even care if you know or not. 

Do you like being a cuckold and doormat? 

Cause that's whats going on here. 

Step 1- Expose affair far and wide. To friends, family and everyone in-between. 

Step 2-File for Divorce. Serve her papers. 

Step 2.2- Kick WW out of the marital home. Tell her she can go live with her OM. 

Step 3-file for custody of children. 

Step 4-Absolutley all contact should be communicated through e-mail and only about children. The suits can handle the rest. 

Step 5- Hard 180. Date and bang other chicks. Detach. Move on. 

That should just about do it. 

Are any of the OM in the military? 

If so communicate this affair to their C.O. Just for fun and stuff. 

Good luck.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, you have an STD, she hasn't ended contact and she has been lying in marriage counseling. You are military isn't there a certain point where she is permanently entitled to your benefits after a certain length of marriage? I swear something like this happened to a friend and she left him right after she was "vetted." 
Understanding Divorce in the Military | Military.com


> Direct retirement payments are made through the Defense Finance and Accounting Service. In order for the military to provide direct retirement payments to an ex-spouse, the couple must have been married 10 years overlapping with 10 years of service.
> 
> For example, if you were married for 12 years, and one spouse was in the military for seven of those 12 years of marriage, the other spouse would not be entitled to a direct payment from DFAS. If you were married for 12 years, and one spouse was in the military for 10 of those 12 years, the other spouse would be entitled to a direct payment from DFAS.


Obviously, I'm not sure, but it sure sounds like you found out in the ninth year. Unfortunately, you see where I am headed right?


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## downhowyou22 (Jan 23, 2014)

Actually I got out of the military in '08 after 6 years of service. Neither of the other two d-bags are in or ever have been in the service. Not that it matters but guy #2 is pretty much a loser. Has a stable job as a mechanic, is divorced, and has one or two little kids. Guy #1 does pretty well for himself - has his own business and lives a bachelor's life. Pretty sure he's a lady's man from what I gather.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Downhowyou22

*Do not take anymore disrespect and stop trying to fix her. You should concentrate on only you and your children.* 

She is the only one that can get the ball rolling to see if she can fix herself. *If you keep making her your main focus you will wind up a dish rag and a door mat*.

Your wife has a low chance of making up enough to make your marriage a long term success IMO. There are always the exceptions but your wife has a deep problem with integrity and self respect. You are not capable of fixing that.


You should be preparing yourself by building yourself up so that you can help your children more. At this time you have been weakened by your wife and you need to make you and your children the priority. You need to protect your health, emotions, finances, and your children. 

Your children will benefit from a father that is not so affected by betrayal from his wife. *You will not be able to help your children as much if you have a wife that makes you insecure that she will be a partner than builds up the family. So far she has tore down the family.*


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## downhowyou22 (Jan 23, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Do you watch porn? Does she know? If you're on the computer alone a lot for work I am guessing you watch porn. Did that decrease your interest in your wife?
> 
> Why are you waking up at 5 each day? I though you worked from home on your own business?


I don't work from home so I get up at 5 and leave by 6 every morning. I'm usually home by 530 each night. I admit I've been filling the void with porn. I told her about it too after she confessed. I'm currently working to kick the habit by removing the temptation (putting adult site blockers on the computer and only she knows the password - same with my phone). It was basically to the point that I was watching it daily. Now maybe every 3 days and trying to eliminate altogether.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I think I would puke every day if my spouse had given me an STD.

I might leave my puke in a shoebox on their front door every day too.

Unacceptable behavior buddy. Sorry.

Several new stories of men and their WW's this week and I just don't get the attraction of wanting to stay with such unbalanced women.

It frustrates me that I put so much into my marriage and was tossed aside and other wives cheat to no end and their husbands are confused as what to do.

OP, my rant is not directed at you at all, it's just a sidetrack rant.

It's hurtful and frightening and it all takes time to process but eventually you should be angry that your wife does not take you or your marriage seriously. From what I read in your post, you are blatantly being taken advantage of.

Read about the 180. I think it applies in your situation. Maybe some individual therapy or a good friend to coach you into not blaming yourself.

Please don't blame yourself. Please don't make excuses for your wife.

She was wrong and she hurt you. Spouses should not do this behind your back. She gave you an STD. I don't care what kind of person you are or are not, no one should be ambushed with constant betrayal.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Make sure you tell all the betrayed individuals in this story. Don't tell your wife you are doing this, just do it. If she eventually finds out - tough **** - should have stayed faithful. 

If i was in their position i would want to know.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You originally asked if this is a lost cause. I think sometimes people just do too much damage to allow repair or recovery.

An STD and multiple men at multiple times. Partying and getting drunk and flirting and cheating. It sounds like too much to me.

You say that she thought you wouldn't care. Is that why she confessed? Because it didn't matter one way or the other whether you knew or not?

She sounds like she checked out long ago. How about you? Do you want to try to save it? If so, why?


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> An STD and multiple men at multiple times. Partying and getting drunk and flirting and cheating. It sounds like too much to me.
> 
> She sounds like she checked out long ago. How about you? Do you want to try to save it? If so, why?


Save what? The only thing he saved is a STD..... WTF!

DUDE... GET THE F. AWAY FROM HER


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Please listen to everyone else. 

You are the stable, nice guy on whom she can rely and the other guys are her source of excitement. Instead of waiting for a text from OM 1 or 2, she should be thinking about you and waiting for a text from you!

You cannot force someone to feel passionate about you by trying to convince them and fix them. I didn't read all of the details but it sounds like there is not enough fundamental chemistry between you and on top of that, your wife is untrustworthy and seems very immature.

It's just a mess. Why not end things amicably and find a wife who will be really in love with you and not depend on you for stability.....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

downhowyou22 said:


> As far as me letting her get away with it that's actually been only once. I found out about both affairs at the same time when she came clean with everything April '13. This confession covered incidents that happened as far back as '04 and as recent as March '13. She actually wanted to move out after she told me as she claims to have thought I already knew and that I wouldn't care. This just shows how bad our relationship had gotten IMO.


 The fact that she thought that you knew and did not care, indicates that she gave you clues and did not cover her tracks well, but instead of investigating, you stuck your head in the sand, thus you let her get away with it. Also, every contact with any affair partners after April, 13 was new cheating, this means that there has been more than one D-Day, and that she has continued to disrespect you and the marriage after the April, 13 date. Yet you seem willing to keep trying to make it work with her, thus you are again letting her get away with it. Your in-action, and willingness to accept anything she has done without consequences to her, is the definition of letting her get away with it.


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