# Told family of wifes e/a now she hates me



## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

HI everyone,
Ive been on here before about my wifes e/a. Keep it a secret till this friday when she told me she is still talking to him. Really pissed me off. I didnt say much except if she had ever stopped like she said she was. She said for a little while. So I told her I was going to tell everyone cause I couldnt keep it to myself anymore. That evening I told my son and daughter. (25 and 22) Next day I told my other daughter and her parents and my mother. She was mad when I got home but still talked and was calm. Next morning was when she was on fire. I asked what was wrong and she told me to shut up. This evening I confronted her again and then it was on. She didnt want to talk. So I told her I was the one that should be mad. She was pissed cause I told everyone. She said the other day she didnt care who I told. Anyways, she said she fn hated me and took off. Now she wants me to buy her out of her share of the house. Thats ok but there isnt much equity left. And if there is no equity she will force the sale of the house. We did talk alittle more at least. Told her I still love her, which I do, but ive let her go. Ive changed alot through all this. I know my faults and asked forgiveness. She will not forgive. Ive never cheated or abused her. Just wasnt there emotionally for her mostly. We did have a great marriage. Not all 27 years but I would say most of them. I know she knows this to. She told me she started falling out of love when I didnt marry her again for our 25 annaversary. Real big mistake. I said something mean but as a joke and she didnt bring it up again. I really would have cause I really love her ! I did buy her a new wedding ring though. And she picked it out and loved it. I thought this would make up for my big mistake but it did not. She will not forgive and gave it back after this all started in the summer. So I do understand why she needed someone to confide in and it turned out to be an old boyfriend she had before we were married. Says shes always loved him and cared about him and thought they would always be together. Ive been doing the advice on here and reading the love dare. Any advice would be greatly apreciated. Sorry for long story but its my life.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Prepare for what is coming. She has been planning a divorce for months.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Maybe the exposing will work and she'll stop. Good luck hang in there.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Have you told the OM's wife?

This is your wife's screw up, not yours. Don't let her turn it on you.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Thanks disbelief, Ive been reading your story. Real simular. You hang in there to. I acually feel a bit better knowing the truth. As for a p/a I can't say for sure. She's said no. Can't believe anything she says anymore. The only thing good is that he lives in another state. I'm in Ca. he's in Idaho. I don't have access to his number or his wifes but im trying. I dont have access to my wifes emails or phone records but her change started about a year ago. She was very depressed. She was always on her phone texting, playing games... She's probably had some contact with him through our marriage, but I'm sure it got emotional when she was depressed around a year ago. I should have seen the signs and met her needs but I just thought she'd get over it and now its costing our marraige. 
After I wrote the first post we talked a little more. She can't believe I told everyone and will never forgive me for that. (like all the other stuff Ive done) I told her I want to kill this affair and did it to try and save our marriage. She just walked out of the room and said goodbye and slept in the other room. I'm really sad but I'm ok. I'm sure this is normal but I just wonder if I blew any chance of reconciliation.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

You will get the angry reaction no matter what. You just blew her cover. My ex H and his family were also angry, heck they now treat me as if I had an affair. My ex H up to this day completely refuses to talk about the affair and he is still with her(she also divorced her husband at the same time). As someone said it above this was all planned and don't be surprised if you hear/feel no remorse from her. Also look up the term NPD-Narcisstic Personality Disorder. More common than you think.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

All you can do is live in the light. Do what is right. Exposure was right. You have shined a light on her actions. How are your kids and her parents taking it? Are they applying any pressure?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The only way this will be killed is for you to obtain the OM's details. Spend some money if you have to, let his wife know, find his details and his friends details there is a great mail template to make his affair uncomfortable. Affairs do not die in a moment of exposure especially if exposure is one sided. I suggest you put effort into tracking down him down and determine the true state of play, I suspect they have gone underground.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, you didn't blow your chance of reconciliation. They ALL say the exact same things; just ignore her. Let her spew and fume. Let her threaten divorce. Let the exposure do its work. 

And, seriously, she blamed this all on you because you wouldn't have a 25th ceremony? Really? Yeah, right.

Don't say ANYTHING else to her except "I'm fighting to save my marriage and if that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry, but I didn't do anything to be ashamed of." Let HER stew on that.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I think it's a very common reaction by the cheater to get angry when their actions are revealed. Mine is still placing blame and making excuses, but I know most of his perceived grievances are b.s. Anytime I catch him slipping up (I know, hence the name), he gets all sorts of p----d off. Like posted above, don't make anymore apologies or explanations about why you told. Hell, I told everyone we knew within 2 days of finding out. He said nothing though, guess even his dumb [email protected]@ knew he had no room to talk. Don't let her make you feel bad, it's just her reaction to being forced to look at herself, because like mine, I'm sure she isn't doing much of that if she can help it. Hang in there, you did the right thing.


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## MayfairJaz (Jan 17, 2011)

So sorry and I have to say that I am of the mind that the exposure isn't always the best way to fix a EA or PA, yeah it makes you feel better but working through the problems become so much harder. 

I know that so many won't agree with but just my own personal experience.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

MayfairJaz said:


> So sorry and I have to say that I am of the mind that the exposure isn't always the best way to fix a EA or PA, yeah it makes you feel better but working through the problems become so much harder.
> 
> I know that so many won't agree with but just my own personal experience.


I agreed!
Sometimes, we can choose to minimise the damage or make the damage even larger and overwhelming. Then, it becomes too large to be repaired.
EA is a peanut, a warning telling you, there's an issue, a problem, a damage in the marriage. The spouse who has EA is unfaithful but only emotionlly. So you can simply focus on her emotional issues and emotional needs to make the marriage work. But now you made peanut become a watermelone, you're pushing her to have a PA, so to speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Thanks everyone,
It got worse the next day. Her mom called his mom cause they are old friends. Exposed it to her. Not sure what they said but they all know on his side I think. Bottom line I know her parents think shes making a big mistake. So after all this my wife called me at work and told me off. Said now her relationship with her parents is over and any love she had for me is gone. She was almost hysterical. Then said her boyfriend was calling and hung up. I felt like crap. But im ok now. Sounds like the standard reation. I need things to cool done a bit. By the way kids are alright just sad. My daughters have no connection with their mom anymore. My son dosnt say much. Their all in their 20s so they know whats going on.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Lovetheocean said:


> Thanks everyone,
> It got worse the next day. Her mom called his mom cause they are old friends. Exposed it to her. Not sure what they said but they all know on his side I think. Bottom line I know her parents think shes making a big mistake. So after all this my wife called me at work and told me off. Said now her relationship with her parents is over and any love she had for me is gone. She was almost hysterical. Then said her boyfriend was calling and hung up. I felt like crap. But im ok now. Sounds like the standard reation. I need things to cool done a bit. By the way kids are alright just sad. My daughters have no connection with their mom anymore. My son dosnt say much. Their all in their 20s so they know whats going on.


Ok now since it's already becoming a watermelone, never mind, you're in troubles anyway. Just wait to see how the drama goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Lovetheocean - you're doing a fine job with the exposure. 

This is typical WW (wayward wife) speak. Ignore it because she is so befuddled and mad by the tidal wave of non-support coming at her from all directions. Good to have the support of your MIL too! 

She is mad because you are cutting off her addiction. 

Just reiterate to her that you want to save the marriage and exposure was just you fighting for it the only way you could!

If you have not made use of Marriagebuilders.com or Affaircare.com the please go read all you can on surviving an affair. 

Then Plan A 


Originally Posted by :
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors 

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a storm created by your wife

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery - no anger, hatred or revenge speak

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected wave of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for your wife's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the head of your wife.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage.

Standing up to infidelity for the good of the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

See initially, i wouldn't expose the EA to all parties... IF she stops the BS!!! Once she continues the EA, by continuing to talk to the OM, that's when she'd force my hand to do what you did. How dare you feel some way about me...t his all started with you!!! 

So she fell out of love with when she didn't get her way??? Poppycot! If you had remarried her, this still probably would of happened.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just ignore her BS. That's all it is. She may have wanted out of the marriage anyway, though, so now is a really good time to take a hard look at YOUR half of your marriage, and fix anything that needs fixing. 

Re: exposure. If your marriage can't handle the cheater being exposed, it wasn't a great marriage. One thing exposure DOES do for the cheater is it forces them to be utterly honest with themselves (and others) about their shortcomings. You can't just go back into a marriage after cheating - without doing this instrospection - and have the marriage survive. Exposure helps the cheater learn humility and regret, essential for remaining married.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I agree with the others. When I talked to her I would have told her 

"Why are you hysterical? Because you slept with someone else and your marriage and family is disintegrating in front of your eyes. Did you just expect your life to be a bed roses after what you did to everyone? Did you think I was going to just sit by and take the heat for something you were doing? I guess the dream world you concocted really doesn't exist. And the problems we had before in our marriage are still there but now you added a whole other level of crap to go along with them. Consequence is a *****."


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Exposure has risks to destroy the marriage as well.

There are many other approaches, for example, communication, listening, understanding her emotional needs, loving attention, setting boundaries and therapy.... 

When the spouse falls out of love with you, the best solution is?

To fall back in love.

So you want to show her why she should fall back in love with you.

When she figures out she should fall back in love with you, you're heading the right direction of handling her EA.

Slowly but surely, she will go away from her emotional affair & basically, she will get rid of the OM by herself. That's something really coming from her own introspections.

Not all the cheating spouses can stand for the bomb of exposure, only some can survive from it because there are too many issues & people involved, so the whole thing became too overwhelming for her to handle.

I'm glad that my husband didn't give me that bomb but he took a very gentle & understanding approach when handling my EA.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18236-my-husband-said-my-ea-not-cheating.html

You give her a bomb & wish she fall back in love with you....

How big is the chancen to reach your target?

Just my personal experience.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

i agree a bit. exposure may or may not have helped end my wifes affair. One thing I am sure of though... It would be 1000% easier for us to sort the marriage out if no one else knew. The fact that my wife would now have to face all my/our friends/neighbours and family is a HUGE HUGE barrier. They have all said they would welcome her back but she knows as well as me that most of them would always have her labelled as a cheat and a liar and they would probably never forget. Would she always be the wife that had a 2 year affair? I think if my friends wife did it to him I would find it extremely difficult to treat her the same way as before and it would be very awkward for a while. I would never trust her.

If she does leave for a life without me then she can essentially start fresh... she doesn't have to live with that label. It may be the wrong thing to do.. the easy option but in a way it sheds her of her guilt and she doesn't have to face anyone.

It's hard for the Faithful spouse too. We also have to hold our chin up high but in truth it is embarrassing and uncomfortable knowing that everyone knows your partner has been sleeping with somebody else for a long time. On top of that most friends/family probably would prefer FS to move on and find someone better. I can't help that everyone would think that she had to go elsewhere because I wasn't a good enough husband/partner/lover. When all is said and done does it matter what other people think/do. Ultimately probably not but it definitely doesn't help and hinders a happy/comfortable relationship and makes it uneasy to be involved with friends and family as a couple.

It is all fine and good to say if the marriage can't withstand that then it wasn't strong enough. That is a bit black and white. My wife has many other deeper issues relating to self confidence/perception and depression. Right now I think my marriage would have a much better chance of healing if maybe I had only exposed to her parents.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I have seen women stand up in church in front of 20 other couples and admit to adultery. And I have seen their marriages completely restored. I think the issue is where the WW or WH focus is. If it remains on themselves then it is always a factor of how they perceive others look at them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What those of you against exposure don't see is that that cheater, if not exposed, will CONTINUE to live - at least in their minds - as an entitled person. If they stop their affair on their own and return to the marriage, in their minds, they just 'got away' with something. 

They didn't learn anything.

They didn't find true regret and humility - if they did, they would have no trouble going up to the BS's family and admitting what they did and asking for forgiveness.

Most of all, they WILL feel entitled to cheat again.

There IS no recovery without humility and regret. Consider exposure a litmus test - if they can't handle the 'heat' from it, then they never really learned anything and they will almost always cheat again.

Do you really want THAT person back?


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Ive been wondering if exposer was the wrong thing to do, but, when I look back at all the things that have changed since this started it seemed like the last and only option. I have changed myself alot since I realised I didnt meet her emotional needs. Ive been trying like hell to be there for her but was mostly given the cold shoulder. Another problem was me being a couch potato. I woke up to that and started eating better and going to the gym and lost over 60 lbs. and feel better than ever. Rarely sit on the couch anymore at all. Ive always cleaned up around the house and even more so now without expecting any thanks in return. Nothing has changed her attitude. I tried talking to her, or go out and have fun but she would rather do other things without me. Shes a totally different person. Everyone sees it! Shes 46. Everyone says shes going through menopause. Her doctor says shes not. She says shes not. I believe I was out of options to expose this. Kept it to myself for 5 months. So when she told me she was still talking to this guy I let her know I was going to expose and she said she didnt care who knew. I really didnt want to but felt I had nothing else to lose. I still love her but if this has or will get to a p/a I doubt if ill ever forgive her. 
Although yesterday was a surprise. She called me in the morning and said she didnt want to fight anymore. She was like her old self and we talked about whatever for about 30 min. Her alcoholic brother who lives with his parents is really giving them problems. So she says she cant handle all this stress anymore. Like she almost over the edge. I comforted her and talked a little more then hungup. That was a relief just to talk normally! But last night she came home from night class, asked if I just got home, then went and slept in the den. Im real confused. Thanks again everyone!


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

It's going to take some time to break through the fog. 

Keep on Plan A - making yourself and the home the best that it can be. Making you the better choice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep, Plan A. AND make sure there's no cheating going on in your presence. Respect yourself, or they never will.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And taught her a LOT about herself, and allowed her to learn and grow. And maybe become a great partner.

None of that would have happened without exposure.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

I have not experience on this topic but the emotional aspect that I read of exposure with your wife, reminds me of friends who one spouse was addicted to pain killers. It went on for years, she stole money, would make up stories to get money from close friends etc. Eventually, her spouse exposed her addictions to everyone. Even those not close. '

She went through rehab, etc. for some time and it's now been a year. She still does a lot of rehab and such BUT, she has cut off all socialization to the best circle of friends they had. He now has too. He stated he was 'too old' to start over, did/does love her and what ever it takes that's what he will do. So....they do nothing now. They have created there own little world and due to her embarrassment, if he whole heartedly wanted her as his wife, he too had to cut off the friends and world as they knew it due to the ADDED emotional strain he induced on her by such exposure. 

Yes, this is a little different as she very well could have ended up dead by people believing her, giving her money to buy drugs on the street. BUT, again, if it's just close immediate people that are already aware, I understand. But to just go around freely, with the appearance of "look at me, I'm the good guy she's the bad...look down on her' I don't know if that is all that condusive to the situation. 

Guess I'm torn as I do see where it can help some, and destroy some. IMO, I guess it comes down to you and your wife, how well you know each other and what you feel one another can handle. I hope you are one of the lucky ones able to withstand and she forgive as so do you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

emotionalwreck, you don't understand the plan. Your friend didn't follow our plan; what he did was an atomic bomb exposure, and there's just no reason for that.

The plan we espouse means you ask them to stop. If they refuse, you tell her ONE most important person (mother, friend, etc.) and ask them to talk to her. If that person won't or if they do and it has no effect, THEN you go to her MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE. Those people whose respect she craves, and who love her enough to FORGIVE her for making a mistake and WILL welcome her back once she quits.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Something happened this last Sat. night. We were at home with our sons girlfriend and I just felt like asking my wife out to dinner and she said ok. Also asked my sons girlfriend if she wanted to go to, so we all went out. We all got along real good. Especially me and my wife. We sat next to each other and she started touching me like she hasnt in months. We talked and laughed like we were by ourselves. I think my sons girlfriend stopped paying attention to us and kept texting my son and whoever else. Me and my wife acted kinda like new lovers. Even kissed a little. Went home and got intamate. It all felt great! We told each other we loved each other. I even think she said she was sorry. I told her I loved her no matter what. 
As I woke up in the morning, I kept thinking she'll wake up and be cold like she's done in the past. I was wrong. She kept holding me and I felt loved again. We havent had any serious talk yet but weve been acting like lovers again. We did some shoping Sun. and even held hands. Since I have a new position at work I stay in our yard all day (always been in the field). She called in the morning on her way to work and said she would like to stop by after and see me. So she did. We chated a bit, I showed her my new work area and desk. I said I need a picture of her and the kids since now I have a desk. She laughed and said it has to be a recent one since weve both lost alot of weight. Its a miracle. Dont want it to end. I pray it will never end. I know Ive really got to meet all here needs. Ill never take her love for granted again. She even asked for her ring back! Still need all your great advice. This is far from over. 
Thanks everyone!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Another examble of tough love paying off. Stay focused and vigilent. Be prepared for the withdrawls.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds awesome. If I were you, my next step would be to print out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com and ask her to fill it out so you'll know how you LB'd her (made her unhappy). With that knowledge, you can change those habits and replace them with good ones.

Wait. Let me back up a minute. Is the affair over? Has she written a No Contact letter to OM that YOU approved and signed? Is she giving you her phone and computer when you ask for it?

If no to any of these, she is just taking the affair underground so you can't find it.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Still have not talked about anything serious. Ill check out the love busters site. Right now its kind of sticky cause she says shes still mad at me for exposing and I should have kept it between us since now my oldest daughter is real mad at her. She said they were good till I told my daughter of OM. I said our daughter was already distant and upset with her long before that. Thats what my daughter told me. She hasnt been close to her mom since she began changing at the beginning of last summer. She says her mom acts totally different, only cares about herself, has no more feelings, dresses like shes 20 years old... My other daughter feels the same but just keeps it to herself and carries on with life. My wife has always felt like I set them against her and keep them on my side. Ive never done that. Theyre all in there 20s and have their own opinions. Anyways, last night my wife asked if I had talked to my daughter. I said yes and that she went out with her cousin. So I can tell that anytime I talk with my daughter, my wife will be sad cause she missis her and mad at me for telling her of OM. Neither of them will break the ice and call the other. They really need to talk. If they do, Im really worried that my daughter will let it all out and tell her mom off. That will make everything worse, maybe. Its all so complicated. Like my wife wont be happy unless the kids are, and my kids wont be happy unless our marriage is back to a loving marriage.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its called a "Consequence" to her cheating. It doesn't effect just her relationship with you. It effects all her relationships. Her daughters no longer respect. You need to have a conversation with her about making a plan to gain back her daughters respect. Working on the marriage is one way. Her dress might be another. At least while they are around. I would also consider family counseling. Your daughters need to express their displeasure with their mom. If it makes mommy cry, so be it. Tell your wife its the "consequence" of what she's done. She can't avoid it if she wants to restore her relationship with her daughters.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you need to 'educate' your wife a little the next time she tries to pin this on you. If you weren't doing something to be ashamed of, your daughter wouldn't have an issue with you; that is YOUR consequence of your own actions. I did what I had to do to try to save our marriage from your infidelity.

Will she be mad at you for talking to her this way? Undoubtedly. But do you really want a wife back who cannot admit her wrongdoing, see her own consequences as a result of her own actions? THAT woman will just cheat again.

If she can't come to you in humility and regret and admission of one's own consequences, then she's not ready to reconcile.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

I know its undoubtedly coming to telling her like it is. I know I have to be calm and say all those things and do it with love. Thats so hard. She seems to be going back to being distant again. I hope its just a cold shes getting but I fear the worse. And I do know she missis her daughter. Were planning to go to Vegas this weekend and meet our son, his friends, my wifes sister and her family. Hope the trip will be a good time and give me and my wife some special time together.
And to "the guy" what did you mean when you said "be prepared for the withdrawls. 
Thanks everyone for your help!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When my wife stopped all her shananagians, she was sad that she wanted to go party, stay away from guys but still have those girls night out. She missed all the texting and flirting on her cell, stay away from the guys but still text and flirt.

Point is they get depressed because of the life change they need to do to keep there husbands.

In some cases there may be a heavy emotional attachment to the OM, and as they say "breaking up is hard to do" 

Even though they are married they are litterial breaking up with a boy friend that they cared for and X amount of time they spent together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book - it's a bible for dealing with cheating: Surviving An Affair.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Hi all, Well Vegas started off pretty bad the night we got there. Me and my wife went to eat and almost right away she asked if I was going to my daughters inlaws for super bowl. I said I didnt know. I asked what are you going to do. She said "not go there". Then she said "why do you act like theres nothing wrong?" Refering to the fact that my daughter isnt speaking to her. We talked a little more about that than just made small talk. Some singers came by and played some songs for us. It was fun. But later my son and his friend and a couple of my sons came and drank with us. My wife was getting pretty drunk and kept talking to my sons friend and touching him. I had enough and just walked out. Played a little slots then went up to our room. She came in later and asked where I went. Told her I couldnt stand her touching my sons friend anymore. Then we got into an argument. She says she will never forgive me for telling everyone of the afair. Says shes talked to a divorce lawyer. I said what happened. She said there real expensive. I told her she basically brought this on herself by her actions. She was crying real bad. I said the kids all hate what shes done, not just the oldest daughter. 
Well that was that. Next day was real quiet. Went to see our neices compete for cheerleading. Went back to the hotel and she took a nap. I came back later and took a nap then got up, got ready and asked if she wanted to get something to eat. She said she would try cause she didnt feel to good. Still hungover. Anyways I went downstairs and had a couple of drinks then she called and said she was coming down. We got to the middle of the casino and she looked at me and said "can I have a hug" So we hugged and made up. It was a good night. We had dinner and danced. Next day was good. Shopped a little and held hands. Then we drove home. 
Then on tuesday, my oldest daughter left my wife her birthday present with a note. She basically said that she loved her mom but after being apart from her for about 3 weeks that shes really ok. Says its a sad time right now and she dosent know who her mom is anymore. So this really upset my wife. When I got home she was crying and blamed me for telling everyone. I again told her that this was her fault since my daughter has been detached from her since she started changing. I told her that she says she still loves her and she needs to talk to her. My wife say "Im the mother, she should call me" or something like that. I then said that if I had done this to her they would be treating me the same way and that she wouldnt be as nice to me as I am to her. She said "I would have left you a long time ago and why am I still here". I said because I love you. I told her Im tired of this roller coaster, that ive changed and have been good to her through all this and that Im tired of being a doormat. She didnt say anything.
So I just left it at that. Took a shower, did a couple of things then went to bed. Thought she would leave and sleep in the den like shes done many times before, but she stayed. 
Im so confused and sad. Just keep praying this will all get better.
Sorry for long story again. A lots happened since I last posted. Please keep up the feedback.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Lovetheocean - are you getting some professional guidance on recovering from this?

If not - I think you should but by someone that is PRO-Marriage and has experience with this stuff.

She is still coming to grips with her actions and the consequences. Keep running Plan A with Carrot and Stick but get some recovery help. 

Affaircare and Marriagebuilders both have excellent resources on recovering.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lto,
Ya this wont mean much but hey we all know she needs to own up to her own sh*t and take the rap for her crime. 

She is so worried about other folks... I would love to tell her its time to put her big girl pants on and face the crap that she now has to own b/c of the personal choices she has made it the past.

Sorry for being harsh on your chick and not giving you any solid advice, she needs to own this A on her shirt and stop point at you.

I hope one day she can say "hey I f*cked up, I own that and I have learned this and that, instead freaking on what you did to protect your family.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

My sincere advice.
Stop blaming on her EA. 
No woman will continue being a guilty wife, daughter and mom in the rest of her life. She will surrender all guilty cards on the table for you to mock and blames but she will quit the team with you, the marriage team, and partnership team with you. Stop pointing your finger at her. She's going to collapse and she will search her own happiness, without you in the picture. 
It's not a PA. Don't make her looks like a whorx in front of the family. Tell your children that you're an ignorant husband that's why their mom turn to the OM for validations. 
Help her clear up and find back her reputation in the family and support her get through this hurt you caused, tell her you made a mistake to tell everybody only to make her suffer, or you will lose your wife forever.
If a broken family is what you want, keep pointing your finger at her.
That's not love for her. It's selfish love in her views. You did this to make her ugly and guilty.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Lovetheocean said:


> Hi all, Well Vegas started off pretty bad the night we got there. Me and my wife went to eat and almost right away she asked if I was going to my daughters inlaws for super bowl. I said I didnt know. I asked what are you going to do. She said "not go there". Then she said "why do you act like theres nothing wrong?" Refering to the fact that my daughter isnt speaking to her.


Tell her " I didn't break your relationship with your daughter. I can't fix it.



Lovetheocean said:


> We talked a little more about that than just made small talk. Some singers came by and played some songs for us. It was fun. But later my son and his friend and a couple of my sons came and drank with us. My wife was getting pretty drunk and kept talking to my sons friend and touching him. I had enough and just walked out. Played a little slots then went up to our room. She came in later and asked where I went. Told her I couldnt stand her touching my sons friend anymore. Then we got into an argument. She says she will never forgive me for telling everyone of the afair. Says shes talked to a divorce lawyer. I said what happened. She said there real expensive. I told her she basically brought this on herself by her actions. She was crying real bad. I said the kids all hate what shes done, not just the oldest daughter.


She is still wayward. And she is still blame shifting. I don't think she wants a divorce but she does not want to humble herself either.




Lovetheocean said:


> Well that was that. Next day was real quiet. Went to see our neices compete for cheerleading. Went back to the hotel and she took a nap. I came back later and took a nap then got up, got ready and asked if she wanted to get something to eat. She said she would try cause she didnt feel to good. Still hungover. Anyways I went downstairs and had a couple of drinks then she called and said she was coming down. We got to the middle of the casino and she looked at me and said "can I have a hug" So we hugged and made up. It was a good night. We had dinner and danced. Next day was good. Shopped a little and held hands. Then we drove home.


She is still eating cake. She wants the single life and she wants the security of your love and marriage. You definitely did the right thing by outing the affair. She is still on the fence. The problem is that the grass on both sides of it is starting to turn brown and fill with weeds. 





Lovetheocean said:


> Then on tuesday, my oldest daughter left my wife her birthday present with a note. She basically said that she loved her mom but after being apart from her for about 3 weeks that shes really ok. Says its a sad time right now and she dosent know who her mom is anymore. So this really upset my wife. When I got home she was crying and blamed me for telling everyone. I again told her that this was her fault since my daughter has been detached from her since she started changing. I told her that she says she still loves her and she needs to talk to her. My wife say "Im the mother, she should call me" or something like that. I then said that if I had done this to her they would be treating me the same way and that she wouldnt be as nice to me as I am to her. She said "I would have left you a long time ago and why am I still here". I said because I love you. I told her Im tired of this roller coaster, that ive changed and have been good to her through all this and that Im tired of being a doormat. She didnt say anything.


It's good that you're standing up to her. And regarding your daughter, your wife is the one that broke that relationship. And I have to hand it to your daughter for holding her accountable for what she did. She cheated on your children too. Have you explained that to your wife? It wasn't just you. She basically turned the bedrock of your marriage to sand under your kid's feet. I think it is easier to deal with the death of a parent then with them being unfaithful and cheating on each other. I speak from experience. When my mom cheated on my dad and divorced him, I was much more shook up then when she died before Christmas. It changed everything and has even infected my marriage with doubts in the past. It makes the kids doubt themselves regarding whether their marriages can work.



Lovetheocean said:


> So I just left it at that. Took a shower, did a couple of things then went to bed. Thought she would leave and sleep in the den like shes done many times before, but she stayed.
> Im so confused and sad. Just keep praying this will all get better.
> Sorry for long story again. A lots happened since I last posted. Please keep up the feedback.


It sounds like she has moved back in from her mothers. What happened there? Lovetheocean. I want you to go back and read your posts, and see the progress you have made. Some people have told you that exposure was wrong. For some people it is the only way to move beyond the affair. In other words "through the fire instead of around it" You exposed about a month ago. She is now back in your bed and is wearing her rings. It doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs. But I do see progress. The biggest impediment is her inability to take responsibility and own her $hit. Good luck.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You know if my husband wanted to make me ugly and guilty in front of all family members. I will apologise to everyone for my misbehaviors.
I will get a divorce. For I can't continue this marriage and go back to love a person who ruined my reputation and my pride stepped on the ground in front of kids. After I fix all the issue with kids, it's not a big deal to change spouse.
Divorce rate is high, ppl nowadays have more than 1spouse in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm sure your wife is sorry for what she did. She's a cheating player in the team, she will apologise and quit the team.
She has a perfect right to find a much better husband who is caring, loving, who would never make her suffer or feel a need to look for comfort from other man.
If you don't take care of her sufference, I assure she is going to quit. She will apologise but walk away.
You can call this wayward, but she's got a perfect right to reach her true happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Mslonely, I understand what youre saying. She came home from school last night , quietly asked if I was awake. Then she said she was sorry. She said she felt like she was two different people and didnt know how to act anymore. Felt like she was going to go crazy. Everything I said just got her more mad. I was loving and calm. I told her one thing thats wrong with the way she has changed is shes always on her iphone texting, playing games... She says everyone she knows does that. I said thats fine, but when were with people and family you sit in a corner and ignore everyone in the room. You never put down the iphone, and you talk on that more than talk to me. Its taken my place. She said "yea, like all those years of you sitting on the couch and watching tv. I should have gotten a boyfriend a long time ago". That really hurt. 
Ive always been there for her. I wasnt perfect and neither was she and we had a great marriage. I know my faults, and I did take her for granted. Through it all ive always loved her and cared for her. I didnt realize how much till all this began happening. And I just didnt show it enough. Its probably to late now but ive shown my unconditional love to her through this. That was the old me. Im very different now. I know whats important. Can't hardly stand to see tv anymore. I just want to be there for my wife and start a new relationship with her.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Lovetheocean - small steps my friend. 

You're getting through and looks like resentments on both sides ofthe fence still. At least you're getting it out in the open. 

Continue with being calm. Stay the course with your changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> You know if my husband wanted to make me ugly and guilty in front of all family members. I will apologise to everyone for my misbehaviors.
> I will get a divorce. For I can't continue this marriage and go back to love a person who ruined my reputation and my pride stepped on the ground in front of kids. After I fix all the issue with kids, it's not a big deal to change spouse.
> Divorce rate is high, ppl nowadays have more than 1spouse in life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 MsLonely, we've been round and round about this, and I won't change your opinion, but others are reading, so I'm going to say it:

A marriage cannot survive if the person who cheated does not reach humility, and OWN what they did. People who love you WILL forgive you if you just admit and apologize. Ocean's wife is REALLY close to this point, VERY close. All it would take to get it all back would be for her to go to her kids and say 'I screwed up. I don't know what I was thinking, I just needed a boost. Our marriage wasn't great, and it FELT GOOD to get the attention. But now I regret it because what I did has harmed everyone. I've learned a LOT from it, and all I can do is apologize for putting you all through it. But I love you all, and I hope you still love me.'

That's all she'd have to say, and I guarantee at least 95% of the people involved would come to her, hug her, cry with her, forgive her, and move on and never mention it again. 

That's what people do. They just need the humility. SHE needs the humility so she can learn to stop blameshifting - that's no way to live. The 5% who won't forgive her? Well, they have their own issues, then, don't they?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lovetheocean said:


> Mslonely, I understand what youre saying. She came home from school last night , quietly asked if I was awake. Then she said she was sorry. She said she felt like she was two different people and didnt know how to act anymore. Felt like she was going to go crazy. Everything I said just got her more mad. I was loving and calm. I told her one thing thats wrong with the way she has changed is shes always on her iphone texting, playing games... She says everyone she knows does that. I said thats fine, but when were with people and family you sit in a corner and ignore everyone in the room. You never put down the iphone, and you talk on that more than talk to me. Its taken my place. She said "yea, like all those years of you sitting on the couch and watching tv. I should have gotten a boyfriend a long time ago". That really hurt.
> Ive always been there for her. I wasnt perfect and neither was she and we had a great marriage. I know my faults, and I did take her for granted. Through it all ive always loved her and cared for her. I didnt realize how much till all this began happening. And I just didnt show it enough. Its probably to late now but ive shown my unconditional love to her through this. That was the old me. Im very different now. I know whats important. Can't hardly stand to see tv anymore. I just want to be there for my wife and start a new relationship with her.


Ocean, you CAN have that relationship, she is just sitting there BEGGING you to take the next step, but you aren't seeing it. I've seen it, a LOT, in former waywards. You just need more education so you can stop screwing everything up.

She has stopped her affair, right?

So you won the biggest battle of the war. The rest is easy compared to that.

First, STOP TALKING ABOUT HER CHEATING. She KNOWS you know, she KNOWS you're hurt. You don't have to bring it up any more. 

Second, everything you do from this point forward needs to be POSITIVE. So she can feel SAFE with you. She needs to see that you want her and WILL allow her to remain without being mentally flogged every day. So zip it! NO MORE talk about the affair.

Third, do you read? Get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it THIS WEEK. Share what you learn from it with her, as you read a section. Talk about it. Be honest with her about YOUR shortcomings in this marriage. And I guarantee you, you had plenty. We ALL do, when we don't learn this stuff first. 

She's given you valuable information. You IGNORED her for many years. You put YOUR comfort ahead of hers for many years. You TOOK HER FOR GRANTED for many years. You _probably_ let her do 90% of all the housework and childraising, while you sat on the couch after your job.

_She felt alone in her marriage._

Now is your opportunity to make up for what YOU did. Are you willing?

Read the book and come back and tell us what you learned, and we can give you a roadmap to a better marriage.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> Ocean, you CAN have that relationship, she is just sitting there BEGGING you to take the next step, but you aren't seeing it. I've seen it, a LOT, in former waywards. You just need more education so you can stop screwing everything up.
> 
> She has stopped her affair, right?
> 
> ...


Your advice except the book, very similar to mine, that is, stop pointing the finger at her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> MsLonely, we've been round and round about this, and I won't change your opinion, but others are reading, so I'm going to say it:
> 
> A marriage cannot survive if the person who cheated does not reach humility, and OWN what they did. People who love you WILL forgive you if you just admit and apologize. Ocean's wife is REALLY close to this point, VERY close. All it would take to get it all back would be for her to go to her kids and say 'I screwed up. I don't know what I was thinking, I just needed a boost. Our marriage wasn't great, and it FELT GOOD to get the attention. But now I regret it because what I did has harmed everyone. I've learned a LOT from it, and all I can do is apologize for putting you all through it. But I love you all, and I hope you still love me.'
> 
> ...


Sorry, She doesn't think the same.
She's already moved forward to the divorce direction.
The only hope is help her get over this sufference and go and explain to everybody that he's the one to blame as well.
In that case, she might consider giving her marriage a second shot.
No matter how much love he has. He has damaged her family love when her passionate love had faded much earlier.
She's thinking very hard to find a way to get out of this crazy marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

After she double confirms with her lawyer she will process the paper. 
If you want to wait until then to tell everyone you also has fault and tell everyone to understand and forgive her. 
She will quit the team as soon she gets the money for divorce. 
Then, it's too late.
My last sincere advice. 
Exposure the affair doesn't guarantee your wife falls back in love with you, but guarantee you the risk of a broken family.
Those ppl who support you to expose, don't care if in the end things go worst and then you get divorced. 
They said what you want to hear, but not what your wife wants to hear,
I'm telling you what your wife thinks and her intention of ending her sufference by quitting the team with you.
If a broken family is what you want, continue to stand out for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Btw, I'm bored in explaining my views to those who by principle disagree.
I don't believe in any ideology. I'm not native english speaker, ppl can easily pick bones from my words. 
I only believe what is happening now and what's going to happen next. 
Don't you think every wife is only 3 years old that still requires your education, telling her what is right or wrong.
She's not an idiot.
She knows before she turned to the OM. In her views, it's a right thing to do.
She will say sorry only because you hate such things and you made it a big issue by destroying her face in front of her children and family. You obviously wanted everybody to go against her and criticise her. 
Are you sure this is so called loving husband?
Quite selfish actually.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Fortunately exposure is not a made up plan but one based on decades of experience , with that said back to the thread , the only part you accept responsibility for is 50% of the blame of issues within the marriage, your wife is 100% responsible for the affair and the resulting fallout. If and when she shows true remorse and commitment to you then both of you can work together to rebuild your marriage to be better that before.

I suggest you have a set of one liners ready, like:you accept your part on the marriage issues , she accepts the affair is her doing and no one else's, say you love her however she has to be fully committed to you as you are to her, she stops blaming you for your daughter that is her doing . Write down others key is to build a set of words that do not lovebust her but also do not remove the consequences of he affair. You can recover the marriage she in turn has to do her part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Fortunately exposure is not a made up plan but one based on decades of experience , with that said back to the thread , the only part you accept responsibility for is 50% of the blame of issues within the marriage, your wife is 100% responsible for the affair and the resulting fallout. If and when she shows true remorse and commitment to you then both of you can work together to rebuild your marriage to be better that before.
> 
> I suggest you have a set of one liners ready, like:you accept your part on the marriage issues , she accepts the affair is her doing and no one else's, say you love her however she has to be fully committed to you as you are to her, she stops blaming you for your daughter that is her doing . Write down others key is to build a set of words that do not lovebust her but also do not remove the consequences of he affair. You can recover the marriage she in turn has to do her part.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's already said sorry, but she's not going to fully commit to her husband.
You still don't get it.
She's hitting the road of divorce.
She in turns will do her part, that is to be a more faithful wife but not necessarily with him.
Do what? She's going to leave after she finished this miserable headache that her husband created.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I can't believe someone still talking about the wife is 100% to blame and fully responsible of the consequence of exposure.
She already said sorry! How many times she needs to repeat her sorry?
After sorry, she wants a divorce. Can't she want a divorce? Face the fact that is happening.
Hello!? This wife won't fall back in love with her husband and already fell out of love long time ago. What is left in her is family love, which was also damaged by the husband. After the exposure, she will never never never go back to love her husband because he caused her a huge sufference in her life. His love is too heavy for her to afford. 
Can you give a better input to save his marriage instead of calculating the percentage of responsibilities?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MsLonely .... 

What do you suggest the faithful spouse do if a cheating spouse continues to engage in an EA or PA after the affair is discovered?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I can't believe someone still talking about the wife is 100% to blame and fully responsible of the consequence of exposure.
> She already said sorry! How many times she needs to repeat her sorry?
> After sorry, she wants a divorce. Can't she want a divorce? Face the fact that is happening.
> Hello!? This wife won't fall back in love with her husband and already fell out of love long time ago. What is left in her is family love, which was also damaged by the husband. After the exposure, she will never never never go back to love her husband because he caused her a huge sufference in her life. His love is too heavy for her to afford.
> ...


Saying it's the husband's fault for exposure would be like a shoplifter saying it's a store employee's fault for turning them in. If you want people to think of you as a good person, BE a good person. Her husband had every right to tell people the truth. The family love was damaged by her actions, not the fact that her husband was truthful.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Give her the attention and fulfill the needs that the OM did.
If you come to her with respect, love and support, being the man whom she fell in love with, she will truely feel sorry.
And she will get rid of the OM by herself. Not by theatening, but true love.
Only true love can win back her heart to fall back in love with the husband.
That's the direction.
That's how my husband won back my heart from the OM,
3 years EA.
He never blamed me with one harsh word, but blamed himself not loving me enough.
That's really something make me feel shamed and sorry.
That's really something gave me hope to repair my marriage. That's really something touched me and I requested myself to fall back in love with my husband. We get married because we fall in love not because what is right or wrong.
Love can heal but few ppl would suggest it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Give her the attention and fulfill the needs that the OM did.
> If you come to her with respect, love and support, being the man whom she fell in love with, she will truely feel sorry.
> And she will get rid of the OM by herself. Not by theatening, but true love.
> Only true love can win back her heart to fall back in love with the husband.
> ...


So how long did you continue the affair after your husband changed his ways?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Why do you need to get so many ppl involved in your own marriage problem?
You know why? Because you don't know how to get your spouse to come back to love you only, so you theaten her, together with other ppl to give her pressure.
You can dream about a spouse will come back to love you by threatening and make her look ugly in front of her children and family.
Keep dreaming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> So how long did you continue the affair after your husband changed his ways?


1-2 months.
To cut off the OM, slowly but surely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

My husband changed his way slowly as well via countless communication until he understood what he failed to meet my emotional needs.
It's an EA, the emotional issue is complicated. 
You can't except a woman to detach her emotion and passion from the OM whom she really likes for a long time within 3 days.
There's no physical issue involved. So you need some patient and more understanding in what exactly she needs and try to show her you're willing to fulfill them.
When her needs are fulfilled, automatically, she will focus on you, because she no needs the OM anymore.
Think about how she fell in love with you. She loved some charms of you but you're not showing them to her anymore. You don't pay attention to her. You don't appreciate her. You don't look at her the way you did.
You don't desire her as much as before.
Of course she falls out of love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you terrified of your family finding out what you did, MsLonely?

Because, if you are, then maybe you have more of an issue than just an inattentive husband who drove you to cheat.

I see your point, but you're refusing to see ours. Marriages CAN and DO survive and flourish after exposure. If the cheater comes back to them with humility and asks for forgiveness, in nearly EVERY SINGLE CASE I've read about, that family forgives them, thanks them for their honesty, and MOVES ON, never mentioning the affair again.

That's what a family does, because they love the person, cheater or not.

T/J over.

In Ocean's case, he is fully capable of accepting her apology and moving on and showing her that he HAS moved on and she can be safe with him and closer to him than ever before. He has not yet reached that stage, so we are helping him with the rest of the advice that we give BSs. Which is to accept and learn how to build a stronger marriage.

If he does this, and the wife still won't come back, it's not because he exposed. It's because she is _damaged _and needs to do a lot of work on herself before she belongs in ANY relationship.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with MsLonely and I disagree. If the husband can show love and the cheater gives up the OM, then I think a marriage can be saved without everyone in the family finding out. 

But the majority of time, the cheater is in a fog. They are in love with someone else and it doesn't matter what the faithful spouse does. He could change and be the greatest husband ever, but the cheater won't see it.

If the cheater continues to cheat, after the husband has made every effort to change, then the husband has every right to expose the affair. It may very well be the only way to get the cheater to commit to the marriage.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Ive always helped with the kids, house work, cleaning, yardwork, tuned up our cars, fixed things around the house, remodled rooms of our first and second house and been a loving husband to her. Her family and friends envied her because their husbands could never do what I did. My biggist mistake was not taking care of her emotional needs. I admitted this to her. My next mistake was not marrying her for our 25 anniversary. That was two years ago. I made a stupid remark about it and she never forgave me then started falling out of love from that point on. Thats what she told me. Sad thing is I did want to marry her again but she never wanted to talk about it again. Next big mistake was that I didnt communicate to her very much. She needed to talk and I was really bad at that. I kept alot of things to myself. 
Well I learned the hard way and I cherish every moment with her or just talking on the phone.
When she told me she was sorry last night, it wasnt because of the affair, it was because of her bad temper the night before. 
Also to Mslonely, I never throw the affair in her face or bring it up unless I have to. Ive only done it a couple of times to remind her she had the affair and to stop blameing me for EVERYTHING. I know my faults. Ive asked forgiveness for all of them. She dosent want to hear it and wont forgive. Shes changed to being very mean and heartless. But I still love her with all my heart and she knows it! Ive never talked bad about her to anyone. Only the truth. Maybe I made a mistake telling her family and our kids but I couldnt hold it in anymore. She said she was still talking to him and didnt care who knew. That was after 5 months from when she first told me. Ive changed so much since then and Ive forgiven her for what she has done. Maybe it is to late, but im not giving up after being with her for more than 30 years, without a fight!
My eyes are open now. Im not the same. 
Now for todays info, she called me on her way to work to say thank you for the coffee I made her this morning. That was a real suprise after she cried her self to sleep last night. We talked a long time. Nothing serious but it was great. I love talking to her now. I just didnt realize how much till it was gone. Thanks everyone for your help. I really need it. This is so confusing.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Ocean, 
Here are the things you can do to save your marriage:
1. Apologise to your wife the sufference you caused.
2. Ask for forgiveness and put all the blames on yourself for not being a good enough husband and contributed the fertile ground of her EA.
3. Assure her you will do your best to explain to her family and children that you also have faults and help her pass this miserable moment of her life and help her gain back her face and reputation in front of the children, especially your daughter and her parents.
In this case, if you do all these as I mentioned, your wife will see a little hope not to get divorce with you. 
It's not about being right or wrong. It's not about you stand out for yourself. You already did, and she's suffering from what you did.
It's about not to have a broken family. 
Good luck! God bless you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your wife will see your changes.
Make them more obvious and positive.
Make her smile and give her hope.
Make children come back to love and respect their mom.
She really needs all these.
She will appreciate what you do for her. 
She will truely feel sorry, leave the OM and find her way falling back in love with you.
But firstly, you need to show her you are her true love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

What made me feel most shameful was, (not only my husband didn't say one word to blame my EA, but he blamed all himself, and assured me he would change and be the husband I deserve...)
He said he loved me more than he can describe that he can even give away his life for me.
So tell me why I shouldn't get rid of the OM and find my way back to love my husband?
Ocean, you need to give your wife a meaningful moment that really touched her heart, when she realises you're the man she actually love, she will detach her emotion from the OM.
She will start to get out of the fog and find the right direction because of your heart like a shining star leading her sailing back.
Slowly but surely.
If she still talks to you and cries, she's looking for a light in her dark tunnel, a last hope from you.
Give her hope!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Ocean,
> Here are the things you can do to save your marriage:
> 1. *Apologise* to your wife the sufference you caused.
> 2. *Ask for forgiveness* and *put all the blames on yourself* for not being a good enough husband and contributed the fertile ground of her EA.
> ...


Spoken from a true wayward.

blech.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

The speech is wayward or whatever you want to call it, that's the things that the wife needs to be assured, which gives her hope.
She can be wayward or stubborn as long as she can see a value to stay in the marriage and then change her mind of divorce.
All the other issues can be resolved and communicated later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

When she can't take it and then decide to leave the marriage, it would be the ending of the love story, so what's the point you guys worked very hard in calculating who has the most faults?
Is that so important? Exposure works only when the DL wants to buy it.
It's obvious she's not interested in listening all the ideology you have, even it sounds perfectly right. It's obvious the strategy of exposing the affair made things worse here in this case. Not in Dowjohn's case, because his wife exposed her own PA to her husband and family.
So that exposure actually worked because the wife is still in love with Dowjohn.
Here the wife has fallen out of love. She's not going to take any threats. 
She regretted why she's still married to this man and she believed that she should have search for her own happiness with a bf much earlier.
Think about how to make her change her belief in a way she's interested in listening.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is YOUR wayward, defensive outlook that is seeing us 'calculating faults.'

We have told him how to make her change her belief; I guess you didn't read that part because all you want to harp on is how horrible it is to be exposed.

I believe we told him to move forward - or we were getting there before we got derailed into this multipage review of exposure: not speak of the affair any more, do the LB and EN questionnaires so they can both see where they went wrong, working on eliminating those LBs and meeting those ENs, spending 15-20 hours together each week to rekindle the love...making her feel safe to be there and making HIM feel safe that she's not cheating.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

MSLONELY-


It is NOT the man's (or womans) responsibility to make the other one happy.

You were HAPPY that your husband took the blame so you don't have to address your own issues.

What part of your marriage where YOU to blame for......and how did you remedy them after your several year affair?


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Had a good weekend so far. She told me she was going to have dinner with her new friends from night school on fri. and that I should stop by the resturant after work and join them for dinner so I could meet them. I said will see. So I surprised her and did. Met her friends, talked and laughed, had one beer, and gave her money to pay for most of their dinner and went home. Had a good time. When she got home, she came to bed, gave me a little hug, said thanks for paying for dinner, gave me a kiss, said "you feel so skinny" and went to sleep. Ofcourse I wanted to jump all over her but just said "youre welcome".
Did alot of cleaning the house and laundry yesterday with her. We went out and had dinner and did grocery shopping after. One thing disturbed me was that I put on my wedding ring last night. I never wear it since I cant with the work I do. Plus, it didnt fit. It was to small, but, since I lost weight, it fits perfect now. She bought me this years ago to replace the tiny one that we got married with. Anyways, I showed her at dinner, and she said "you could melt that down". I said "why would I want to do that". She said " to get money". I just left it at that. When we were cleaning our room she was showing me some of her old jewelry she dosnt wear and said the same thing about melting them down. 
She also asked the other night if I wanted to go to her parents for superbowl. She said it enthusiactivly. That suprised me. I said I dont know. But I said yes I would yesterday. I just feel a little strange sometimes when we're with her family cause we dont act like we used to when we are together. Feels awkward not to touch each other or say "babe" to each other like we always did. Just to be together is still great. Her parents told me they love me, Im like a son to them and can come over anytime I want, after I told them of the affair. I love them to and would do anything for them. We should have a great time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're doing fine. Your one word to remember when dealing with women: patience.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Keep wearing your ring - all the time. I know you can't wear it for work but for work can you put it on a chain and wear it? 

I too went for years and years without wearing mine. That all changed when I woke up one day. My wife eventually noticed and asked my why I was waering it.

I told her that to me it is my armor that keeps me on the straight and narrow and a symbol to all that see it of our marriage. At first she made like she was gonna throw up - you know fingers down her throat - lol but I know she likes it and approves. 

Keep wearing it my man!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Nice to know that now everything goes well.
Keep up the good work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Well sorry to say superbowl wasnt super at all. Started out fun, but before we left our house I could tell she was starting to get a little mean. Drove to her moms and stopped at the market to get some drinks. She got some margaritas. We were having fun just drinking and munching out but what I notice more and more is when she drinks she gets more mean to me. I can deal with that. Used to be after a few drinks she was the nicest person in the world. Well she would occasionally say mean things like marriage is over rated or just things that she knew would hurt me. And to top that off she was texting om. Our nephew told her so and so is calling. She just ignored him. Ofcourse she tries to hide it but I think everyone knows what shes doing. She went to the bathroom a couple of times and spent way to much time in there. I just stopped talking to her. I dont know if she knows I know but it dosnt matter. I figured she was still communicating with him. It just pisses me off like you wont believe. She has no respect! 
When she gets home tonight well see what happens. Havent talked to her all day. Im so fustrated. I hate what shes doing. And yes it affects everyone. I think she started to get mean when she thinks about both my daughters, watching the superbowl at my one daughters inlaws and not being with her. I know this tears her up inside. And then she takes it out on me. 
Thanks for the advice on patience. Patience is my middle name. I dont know how much more I can take. Thanks everyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I take it back. You're being too nice. Time to remind everyone that she is STILL cheating on you. Let her face her own consequences. Let her realize you won't just let her harm you this way; that you will WALK if she doesn't stop. When she texts him IN FRONT OF YOU, gently ask - in front of everyone - to see her phone to see who she's texting. Let her see the looks of everyone on her and feel what she's doing to you.

Are you paying for her cell phone? Shut it off. Is she using gas money YOU pay for to see him? Cut her funding. Stop helping her cheat.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Its been a real quiet week. Hardly any talking. Did get a thank you for making her coffee thursday morning. And then that evening she told me that are tax man called her and told her what our refund would be. Then just talked a little more on how much she made this year and that was it. 
Called her yesterday for the first time in about two weeks at her work to get info on my company buying supplies from hers. She was pleasent to talk to. Last night when I got home she left me a note saying she was going to her friends housewarming party. She signed her name with a heart. What does that mean. Not trying to anilize everything just curious.
Tunera, can't shut off cell since we started a new plan with our finances. Her check is to pay for the house and mine for everything else. Shes been paying her cell and most of her gas herself. At least she seems to care about keeping the house and paying our bills.
Heres a tough question. Should I send flowers to her work on Valentines Day? One post here says if shes attracted to you then flowers would be great. If she is not, then that will push her away. I feel she is not attracted and doesnt feel much for me at all. I would love to send her , her favorites, Tulips. Don't want it to backfire on me.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Well I think ive been forgotten. I know its been long between posts.
Heres some sad news. This morning we talked a little bit then she gives me the look. I said what. She say nothing. A minute later she gives the look again and says " I want a divorce." I didnt know what to say. She started thinking about our daughters again and how my oldest is seperated from her. Says my son is the only one who talks to her and that I act like theres nothing wrong. I said, no, I know theres plenty wrong and Im just trying to keep going. I told her that she to acts like theres nothing wrong. She says she tries. I told her the girls still love her but they dont know she is anymore. She said something like here we go again with the "I dont know you anymore and Im tired of hearing that" and walked out. 
Went to talk to her later and told her why are you nice to me one minute and the next your mean. She says she just keeps trying to make things work out but can't. Says she always felt that if we divorced a long time ago she always feared I would take the kids away from her. So its like Im doing it now. She started crying. Also said I should have waited before I told everyone, and that things might have worked out. I said I gave you a chance when I waited over 5 months to end contact with om and you still didnt stop and that you didnt care who knew. I had no choice because nothing was happening and you still talked to om. I said I wish you would have told me to wait longer cause if I had known there was a chance I wouldnt have said anything. I said Ive changed for the better. She said yea for yourself. I said yes but that Im not going to be that old person anymore and I want to basically please you. She said its to late , again, and that I will be a better person for someone else. I said I want it to be you. We didnt say much after that.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Just reiterate that it's not too late and walk away. 

What is her love language? Are you doing all you can to meet her emotional needs?

Now is the time for action and not for sitting around.

You've changed for both of you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's trying to get you to GIVE. Give everything. Put her back on a pedestal. Hold her kids' feet to the fire to MAKE them like her again. And if you won't/can't...well, then you can't have her.

She hasn't learned a THING.

She should be sitting down with her kids and begging them to forgive her for what she did to them. Instead, she browbeats YOU because she knows YOU are the weak link who's dying to have her back. She thinks she has all the control and if you won't give her what she wants (you bending over backwards to kiss her ass), then you don't 'get' to have her.

Thing is, YOU have the power. She harmed you beyond all belief and if you were to be willing to take her back, YOU need to see a change. Not the other way around.

Until you show her that side of you, you'll be wafflilng like this til the cows come home.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Thanks power and tunera. Great advise as always. Your words are a great inspiration. Yes Im still trying to meet her emotional needs and will continue. Not sure what her love language is but I know she likes gifts. Also sure quility time and words of affirmation are the top ones. Its just almost impossible to do with the way she is now. Like she keeps saying "its to late". I wont listen and will keep trying to meet her needs. 
Yes tunera, I agree that she just wont admit her guilt. So stubborn. Its as plain as day but she cant see it. Bottom line is if she did apologize to the kids they would take her back. Not saying that fixes us, but it would be a gaint step in the right direction. I will continue to make home an inviting place for her and keep changing for the good of both of us, but I will stand my ground on not taking the blame for her affair or why the kids dont talk to her. Like someone said before, "let the blame fall on her shoulders". Ill always be there to take her back once she changes to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you could ask the kids to write her a letter explaining what they're feeling. It would be good for them, anyway. Tell them she doesn't 'get it' and maybe they could help her see what's going on, and help her.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Lovetheocean said:


> Well I think ive been forgotten. I know its been long between posts.
> Heres some sad news. This morning we talked a little bit then she gives me the look. I said what. She say nothing. A minute later she gives the look again and says " I want a divorce." I didnt know what to say. She started thinking about our daughters again and how my oldest is seperated from her. Says my son is the only one who talks to her and that I act like theres nothing wrong. I said, no, I know theres plenty wrong and Im just trying to keep going. I told her that she to acts like theres nothing wrong. She says she tries. I told her the girls still love her but they dont know she is anymore. She said something like here we go again with the "I dont know you anymore and Im tired of hearing that" and walked out.
> Went to talk to her later and told her why are you nice to me one minute and the next your mean. She says she just keeps trying to make things work out but can't. Says she always felt that if we divorced a long time ago she always feared I would take the kids away from her. So its like Im doing it now. She started crying. Also said I should have waited before I told everyone, and that things might have worked out. I said I gave you a chance when I waited over 5 months to end contact with om and you still didnt stop and that you didnt care who knew. I had no choice because nothing was happening and you still talked to om. I said I wish you would have told me to wait longer cause if I had known there was a chance I wouldnt have said anything. I said Ive changed for the better. She said yea for yourself. I said yes but that Im not going to be that old person anymore and I want to basically please you. She said its to late , again, and that I will be a better person for someone else. I said I want it to be you. We didnt say much after that.


She’s lying about all of this. She is making excuses because the real reason she wants a divorce is to be the OM. All this about you and the kids and exposing is irrelevant. She is grabbing every excuse she can lay her hands on to justify leaving, except the truth.

Killing her with kindness, while making you look good, is not going to make her want to stay. As long as the OM is in the picture you can be the perfect husband and she will still turn her back on you anyway (My wife told the MC I was the perfect husband, then the next week told the OM she couldn’t wait to marry him). Until the A resolves itself there’s nothing you can do to stop her.

That’s why I say don’t. Tell her a divorce is a good idea and you understand that your relationship is over and that it would never work out. Throw in the towel. Give her what she wants and she’ll stop wanting it so bad. The more you resist her, they more motivated she’ll be to go through with it. She sees you as the enemy (to her “freedom”) and will be against anything you say. At first she’ll be happy but once reality starts to settle in, not so much.

People don’t like to take this route but I used it myself and seen others do it and it has worked. It took 3 tries to reconcile and I still have the divorce petition from when my wife filed but I still was able to save it. Ironically, I was actually trying to end it because I just gave up on her and wanted to be free and that’s when she begged me to take her back (she was living with the OM at the time). 

Don’t fight her; it just gives her more excuses to justify her behavior. Give her what she _says _she wants and say “I love you and I want you to be happy, even if that means with someone else”. See what happens. There’s plenty of time for her to change her mind later and they almost always do.


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## Trust and Verify (Jan 6, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> She's already said sorry, but she's not going to fully commit to her husband.
> You still don't get it.
> She's hitting the road of divorce.
> She in turns will do her part, that is to be a more faithful wife but not necessarily with him.
> Do what? She's going to leave after she finished this miserable headache that her husband created.


You aren't helping lonelyocean save his marriage with this kind of response. He is making the choice to try and save his marriage. This thread is a place for pro-marriage support, because the original poster has made it that way.

You have come to a thread where an aggrieved spouse is looking for a) emotional support b) pro-marriage coaching and encouragement.

So if you can't help with a) & b) then don't say anything at all. You are being nothing but negative.


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## Trust and Verify (Jan 6, 2011)

Lovetheocean said:


> Yes tunera, I agree that she just wont admit her guilt. So stubborn. Its as plain as day but she cant see it. Bottom line is if she did apologize to the kids they would take her back. Not saying that fixes us, but it would be a gaint step in the right direction.


Someone made a suggestion about buying the book 'surviving the affair' and finding a pro-marriage counselor. You have taken some of the hardest steps to take with success. Keep on the path. It has not even been a month in this process for you.

You are probably still seeing her emotionally swing with you. From what I read, it has been little more than a week since you reported an affectionate swing. I believe you stated that she has expressed some sorrow for the affair. Others, if this is off-plan please chime in:
Next time she swings towards expressing affection for you, be ready, and demand her commitment for no-contact with the OM. She cannot place the blame on you if she is failing to cease the affair. Any little contact with the OM makes her fully culpable.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Thank you Trust for your support.
We had it out the other night. I had thought about my wife blaming me for both my daughters distance from their mother. Kept thinking about it all day and got real upset. Because the night before she brought it up again. I had told her that my oldest daughter had seen a doctor about a problem shes had since she had a misscarraige about a year ago. She asked me why I havent told her anything. I said because she didnt want me to tell you. She said do you think thats right. I said no. This got her real upset and she left the room and slept on the couch.
Next night I went to bed and was watching tv and she came in and said now my daughter wasnt even taking her calls. My daughter told me that her mom called, the phone rang twice and no message. My wife told me she left a message. I told her what my daughter told me and she says " you always believe what they tell you ". Then It was on. I had enough of being blamed. I got up and began to raise my voice and told her "THATS WHAT SHE TOLD ME". Then I went on to tell her that I accept most of the blame for our maritial problems but she is 100 percent to blame for her affair! Thats why the girls are acting the way they are. Youve betrayed their dad and you think their just going to accept that? She told me to stop yelling at her. I stopped, calmed down and said sorry. Went on to tell her that Ive loved her with all my heart through all this and that she not only tore out my heart but stomped on it to. She said "if I were you I would have left a long time ago". I said " I wish it was that easy. I wish I didnt love you so much but I do. I loved you from the first time I said it and still do. We have a life together good and bad. You only see the bad but there were also many many good times. I can't just stop"! Said a few other things but those were the main issues.
She just ended up saying she had a lot of homework to do and walked out.
I know I blew it by raising my voice, not yelling, but I felt so much better telling her all that was on my mind. Mainly that she has the blame for the affair.
I called her the next morning to ask her something about our checking account. Suprised me she was acually nice.
The next day her and my oldest daughter finally got together and talked. My daughter said it went ok. Said her mom cried alot about not being with her through her doctors visits... My daughter didnt want to talk about the OM. She said her mom asked what I told her about it , and she just said that I will be fine. She still cant believe what her mom is doing.
When I got home that night, my wife told me she talked to our daughter. I said I know. We talked about it for awhile. She was nice again. 
Yesterday we didnt talk. She seemed a bit distant. I know I should have called her or started a conversation but Im getting so tired of all this knowing shes still in contact with OM.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Lovetheocean said:


> She said "if I were you I would have left a long time ago". I said " I wish it was that easy. I wish I didnt love you so much but I do. I loved you from the first time I said it and still do. We have a life together good and bad. You only see the bad but there were also many many good times. I can't just stop"! Said a few other things but those were the main issues.


She's telling you that she won't ever respect you until you break it off with her. And she doesn't want to be with you because she doesn't respect you.

If you kick her out and take steps to end the relationship, her interest will likely return. I'd do it sooner rather than later.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I kind of agree. 

She's still seeing OM and you are letting her stay with you? Why?


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Ive told her many times before to leave, but she has no where to go. How can I kick her out? She had told me "I know my rights, I dont have to leave." But she did tell me the other night that shes looking for a place. Realistically we can't afford to live seperatly. I thought as long as shes here I can still work on the marriage but it looks hopeless now. Ive told her " in my heart I've let you go." Aside from starting divorce proceedings, what else can I do or say or act to let her know that Im done. Its hard cause I really miss her so much. Also, he lives in another state so as far as I know they havent been together. 
Had a bit of an episode today. I had to go to the emergency today cause I accidentally stabed myself in the elbow with a real sharp knife and blacked out for a bit. I had to call her cause I didnt know if I would make it home safely. She really paniced and raced over to where I was and took me to the emergency. I ended up with a couple of stichtes and released. It was nice that she showed me she still cared. 
I feel that if we were at least seperated she might come back. Im starting to see what you mean about respect. She's definatly lost that for me.
Continue giving me advise as to handling this situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well I quess if she looking for a place go ahead and get some boxes and help her along with a few things she is not usuing. Clean out the closets and get prepared for the move. Pull the pictures down and get her thinking.
Hopefully it never comes but the idea of her leaving will hit her when she starts seeing that you are preparing to move on. 

Separate the accounts and finacially protect your self and plan for the worse. Right now the thing that you can do is give her an idea of what it will be like on her own.

Let her know that if she decides to stop all contact with OM then you can help her unpack. Don't forget to get the classified adds out of the news paper and help her find an apartment. Even if your just looking get to the point were her current actions will have real consequences. Especially when she comes home and sees the pictures off the wall and boxes all over the house.

As hard as it is to do this to the women you love you can atleast show her that you are confident in moving on with out her and have no problem with helping her along.

I'd even go to the bad part of town and show her some of the places that she can afford. Like the roach infested place above the bowling ally, or the nice apartment with bars on the windows were all the crack head hang out. Something like that...that would give her a climps of things to come.

It sound wierd, I know but, if you don't atleast show her how serious you are and get her to believe that you can handle and get through this with out her, she will just keep on going with the same old same old.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Maybe apartment hunting with her is a good idea. Definitely take her off your accounts. You have to put your foot down. I agree with guy

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would do two things - cut off all funding for any means to continue contacting OM. Turn off Internet. Shut off the phone and make her set up a new one. START your new life. Show her that you are moving on.

Two, make sure she knows that this is NOT what you want; there's still a way home. But that you will no longer be her patsy.

After what she's done, SHE has to prove herself to deserve you.


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