# Advice?



## SC1970 (Apr 13, 2009)

I’m new here, but I’ve read though quite a few posts and have been impressed with most of the responses to people’s situations. First off, my heart goes out to everyone going through drama. It seems like its always easier to give advice than to get advice, so I figured I’d open up my situation for you to hopefully offer some feedback.

I’m a 38 yo married guy, married for three years. My wife and I have four kids between us, each having brought two children from our previous marriages. We have no children together. We met about five years ago and clicked right away. Same interests, same taste in food, same parenting beliefs. etc. Shortly after our wedding, things changed. I became complacent and selfish, chatting online in chatrooms and visiting sites that I knew my wife would disapprove of. Guess I felt comfortable enough in the relationship to revert to my single lifestyle (minus the dating other people part). My wife discovered this, which understandably led to issues between my wife and I. On her side, she has slowly dissolved from the woman I met. She was working and going to school when I met her, in addition to being a single mom. She graduated, was doing well in her job. I moved in with her, and things were fine for awhile. We married, then she quit her job to be home with the kids while they were on Summer break(the youngest was in first grade at the time). The unemployment was supposed to be for the one summer, but has never ended. The youngest is now in fourth grade, and my wife chooses to be home. Financially, we squeak by month to month, but aren’t nearly as comfortable or able to save as we once were. Physically, she’s allowed herself to fall apart. She’s gained a lot of weight and has developed an array of physical issues along the way. She’s slowly slipped from attractive, energetic, fun, and healthy to sloppy and very lazy. I’ve addressed all of these with her, and we’ve been to counseling about each of our issues. Things change for a few weeks, then revert to this new reality. She’s home all day, but nothing gets cleaned, and dinner has somehow become an unexpected event that sneaks up on her each day. I get home from work and have to turn around to take care of dinner and the kids. All of the kids comment on her lack of productivity, as they do more work around the house after a day of school than she does despite being home all day. She finds plenty of time for her internet surfing each day, but can’t muster up the energy to walk the dogs or vacuum the house. Sex started slowing down, and has ultimately grinded to a halt over the last several months. So that’s the home situation.

Now for the rest. About a year ago, I met a woman at work who was going through a rocky marriage of her own. She was on the way to leaving her husband, and we immediately hit it off. We became friends quickly, and it grew from there. Neither of us intended on an office affair, but it developed so fast that before we knew what hit us it was already raging. This has been ongoing now for the better part of a year. My situation at home hasn’t changed, and my situation with the other woman has blossomed. I honestly love the other woman now and am not sure what to do. I have a lot of time and love invested in my marriage, but don’t think there’s much left of it. I know leaving will cost me my stepkids (no way my wife would even let me around them after this). I know the other woman and I would be happy. We just fit. I was committed to my marriage and hate myself for getting involved in an affair, but I also struggle knowing a solid relationship has formed because of it. Obviously both can’t continue. So do I throw away a potentially great relationship with someone who makes me happy or do I return to a crumbling marriage? My heart says things are done with my marriage, but I have no idea how to broach that subject without things exploding. ugggghhh......seriously stressed out over this.


Sorry for being long-winded, just wanted to get the majority of issues in the original post. Any advice is appreciated. 

SC in South Carolina


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

"Neither of us intended on an office affair, but it developed so fast that before we knew what hit us it was already raging."

First ,,,,you Did intend it to happen , or it wouldn't have...

Stop lying to yourself.

Second..."I know the other woman and I would be happy. We just fit."

You said the Same exact thing about your wife, when you met her.... Can you not see the eternal paradox in this statement?

What makes you think that this woman at work, will "fit" a year from now.... and she's married also. What a mess.

I guess I would really ask yourself, what you want. Do you love your wife? Why did you marry her? I do understand that the changes she's made, for the worse, can be a huge turn off... but you did Marry her, for better for worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health.... and the minute things don't go your way.... you start up an affair and want to leave? Doesn't sound like a marriage to me.

If you had been trying for years and years, then I could almost understand you wanting out. But, you haven't told her that you want out, that it's over, you're just sneaking around behind her back? Do you think this will be constructive behavior?

I think you know what you're doing is not fair, right, or sensible

And the grass my friend.... is never greener. You don't live with this woman at your office... what makes you think you know her so well? And that a marriage between the two of you would be any better than the one you have now? 

Remember,,, you once thought your Wife was that great for you too...

You have to decide this... but either way, you need to tell your wife what is going on.... at least tell her you want a separation, and give her a heads up, it's not fair of you to let her go on thinking that you are still in this marriage, when you left a long time ago.....


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## SC1970 (Apr 13, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback, Marina72. The other woman is now divorced, so that part of the mess isn't an issue now. And the affair wasn't intended. I think it was a need for each fo us to feel some connection that we didn't have at home. I could have ended it a hundred times, but didn't want to. I know this. Of course I see the paradox in this....which is why I'm posting. I know there's a chance the other woman doesn't 'fit' a year from now. I wouldn't have ever expected my wife to not 'fit', and that has happened. My wife isn't the same person I married, and her changes haven't been for the better. I love her, but feel we're friends who share a home and kids. If I stay for the kids or to honor my vows, then I'm staying in a marriage that has no passion or love. If I leave then I quit on my marriage. I was in this situation before the other woman and I even met, just throws another huge wrench in things with her being around and being so great.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, I do admire your honesty. And I totally understand that your feelings for your wife, might be softened, because of the changes that have gone on..

I guess you could ask yourself this.... have you changed at all? Don't all people change to some extent once married? Not that the changes she's made are good ones, just that if she used to be healthy, she can be again... and it's not a reason to give up on a marriage.

Also, you feel as though you're only "friends" well... this is understandable. However, the feeling of being in love, is just that , a feeling.... it's the lust, the sexual love, the kind that waxes, and wanes.... 

Love, on the other hand, is a choice we make. It's a decsion to love that person, to honor them. To be patient, kind, to be there as a friend and lover.

Granted the lover part for you two , is either over, or has been squashed down by other things that have helped get it there.

But, when you make a committment, you don't just walk out, when things are tough. You can, don't get me wrong. But, if you take your vows seriously... then you most certainly don't give up without a strong fight. And this includes being totally open with your wife, tell her that you're unhappy, that you want to see some positive changes in her, and that she needs to get a job, now that all the kids are in school during the day. She could even get a job that makes it possible to get off work as the kids are out of school, thereby avoiding daycare. 

Get some counseling... don't just let it go, the minute it's not a satisfying relationship anymore... that is the easy way out. If you choose to try to work on this marriage... then contact with the other woman, will have to be cut off, totally. Otherwise, there is no point in trying to save your marriage. Stop thinking in terms of what you aren't getting at home, and what you are getting at the office... and start thinking in terms of what you married this gal for, and whether or not your marriage vows meant anything.

If you do not want to work it out, then you owe your wife the truth. But, you can't try to work out your marriage, And have the other woman... it will never work, and will most certainly fail. 

If after giving it a very good, long try, you find you just can't be with your wife... then perhaps it's time to say goodbye... 

No one should have to give up their complete happiness... but my personal opinion is that you owe it to your marriage, to at least try to work on it. As you admitted, you made some mistakes, Early on,,, that might have pushed your wife over the edge, and killed her self esteem.... have you truly thought of what You've done wrong in this marriage, to help it fail?

The choice is yours my friend. You are in a tough spot.. but it's a spot you willingly stepped into. I can't tell you whether or not you should stay with your wife. But at least if you give your marriage a shot..... then you won't feel the regret when it doesn't work out with this new woman....

good luck


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