# Still scratching my head



## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

:scratchhead:

My wife and I have been separated for 7 weeks now. She left without telling me and moved back in with her parents. We have been going to counceling, twice together and the rest individually, and she won't communicate with me in any way. I've tried sending emails, text messages, and writing notes but she will not respond. She had told the councelor what was wrong, but none of which I think would constitue leaving without at least trying to work on things. I received numerous love notes, her telling me how blessed she was to have me, and hoping that I would never leave her - one being two weeks before she left. I have tried many things and decided to just give her the space she wanted. Just last week I was informed that she was no longer wearing her ring. I emailed her to try and get some direction where this was going, if she was wishing for a divorce. She keeps refusing to answer the question. She has taken herself off of our joint account and has continued to seperate from me but is still going to counceling and is not filing for divorce. By the way, she is 25 and I am 40 and she left 1 week before our 2nd aniversary. Should I be the one to file even though I don't want to?


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

No you don't have to file, if she wants to then let her do it.

Just be prepared to protect yourself emotionally / financially / legally if she does go through with this.

So you were going to councelling but she quit? How was it going before that?

You claim that you don't think the problems warranted her leaving, but odviously she doesnt feel this way. What were her reasons? A little more info may be of some help.

I sypathize with your plight as not getting the answers you require can make your head spin. Try to keep your cool and dont push her, it will only make it worse. The letters confuse me. Perhaps she's not really sure what she wants and just needs a bit of time to sort it out.

Welcome to the forums and hang in there.


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## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

Wow! That was quick. Thanks for the reply. 

She is still going to counceling, as well as I, but I think she is going for herself now rather than us. She new nothing about finances when we got married so I told her that I would take care of it. Well, this led to her saying I was too controlling when I sometimes asked her about some spending issues. I never sat down with her to go over our budget which was my fault. We argued and yelled sometimes like everyone else does but just made up instead of solving the problems. At this, I was "emotionally abusive." Number three, she said I was inappropriate with young girls at our church - I once tickled a 16 yo for a second and grabbed the ponytail of another. I always had to button the top button on my shirt when we went to church. She brought something up that happened 5 years ago that I don't even remember.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Goodchristianman said:


> Wow! That was quick. Thanks for the reply.


No problem. Waiting is something your going to have to be good at if you want to see this through, but right now you need someone to talk it out with. Everyone is here to help eachother try make each day a little easier.



Goodchristianman said:


> I once tickled a 16 yo for a second and grabbed the ponytail of another. I always had to button the top button on my shirt when we went to church. She brought something up that happened 5 years ago that I don't even remember.


Maybe you were innocent in this, and I give you credit for admitting it as some may take a dim view of it. I cant judge because I wasn't there. To me that is a *huge* issue. Maybe she doesnt believe you. Whether shes got it right or wrong, she is very justified to be upset about that. You gotta be careful, people can really take things the wrong way so its smartest to avoid such situations. Is this the only occurance of something like this?

Btw: How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Do you have any kids?


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## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

I understand that what was very innocent to me was upsetting to her and it never happened again. I did tend to let her know she was making a big deal of it and I realized that I shouldn't have. I wasn't looking at this through her eyes knowing how insecure she is. We have no kids and have been married two years. This is my second marriage and her first. It's the no communication factor that is leading us down this path. But she won't talk and won't respond to an answer about ending this. I have not asked her about it again.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Quit asking about ending it or your fears will come true. Start working on yourself. Make yourself happy with life outside of your relationship. Start things - like if you don't exercise find something that is fun and you like to do.

Communication is key, but right now she is obviously saying not to communicate with her. It is hard - I know - right now my w sort of hates me and loves me at the same time. I am a horrible communicator with her - but I'm learning. Get into counseling with her - find one who does individuals and couples. You could start by yourself and then aske if she would go. If you think she would go now - then set it up yourself for the two of you. You need to find out the issues she has with you (you know some but I'm sure those are just superflous) or more importantly the relationship so you can start working on them. Actions do speak louder than words.

Try reading the books "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. "His Needs, Her Needs" by I can't remember at the moment, etc. 

But give her space. Forcing things will only make it worse.


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## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

We have been going to counceling but separately for now. I do excersize and have been trying to keep busy. We both read the love language book together before we were married. I have been giving her all the space I can give her. It has been 7 weeks and I barely contacted her at all. She took off her ring so I would think that is saying the marriage is over. Wouldn't you?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

GCM,

I'm not sure about the ring. What were the things she told the counselor? How did you find out what those issues were? Seven weeks is not that long - believe me I think it is in real time but in relationship time it doesn't seem to matter.


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## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

She told them to the counselor and me in the first of our 2 sessions. I know 7 weeks is not that long but has been for me. We have two vehicles, both that are in my name. She drives the SUV which I need from time to time and told her father since she was no longer wearing her ring that I would assume that it was over and that I would come to pick up the truck. After rationality set in, I thought better of it and asked him not to say anything to her. Well, he did anyway and she said that she thought it would be best if I took the truck. I apologized to her and said that it was not neccessary and would wait for a week or so to see what God has planned for me. I just don't want to jump the gun too fast but I really do not see any reconciliation though.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I have to be honest, I do get tired of the same advice that people give as far as "work on your self" "become a better person" I mean it is the easiest answer to give but to be honest when the person you love has left you and does not talk to you (my situation as well) the last thing you think about is self help. I mean, we are trying to solve a problem, we are trying to fix what got broken, we are trying to see what caused this and evaluating what we could have and can do differently. I guess if you put that in your self help arena then that does make sense. But when your world feels like its ending and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with leaves or does not talk to you, you dont want to find new activities to keep yourself busy. I get it, but its not reality. Going to counseling to work on your relationship is the right thing, my wife would not go. I am not trying to say that other opinions are wrong its just for me its not realistic..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It sounds to me like she's made up her mind about the marriage- its over. but it also sounds like she's planning something else or using the situation to get something she wants.


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## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

I don't think she would use our marriage for anything. She has already taken herself off of our joint account, separated most of everything we have jointly, she took most of her personal belongings out of the house, but still has some things here that she hasn't picked up for about a month now. She is a really great person but is just handling the situation very immaturely. I don't know how keeping our marriage in limbo would benefit her in anyway - except that she is still on my benefits. But that would not be a concern to her.


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## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

Well, I met with my wife, finally, and she let me know that she was full of confidence. She told me she is doing what she wants, going out for drinks with her friends, and other things. She told me she now dresses more her age without having to worry about what I think. She told me she is not the same person and she is not sad that this happened, but she needs more time to think about this. Now I know that this is mainly my fault for showing concern when she wanted to do something that I didn't want her to but I really think she is doing this to hurt me. I have admitted to her that most of this was my fault but she has not once taken any responsibility for this. I know she is out having alot of fun with her friends, but I don't think I want to wait around much longer so she can just torcher me. I have apologized to her a hundred times now in many ways and have done as much as I can to work on myself and our marriage. The only thing she has done is go to counceling but only for herself. I will probably wait a few more weeks then hope that God will give me a definative answer to what I should do.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

GCM,

I still don't know about any of the issues between you and your wife. I know she said in front of the counselor, but one here can help without understanding some things.

To Sportsman:

I understand what you are saying about the advice of working on yourself. It seems trite and ridiculous when you feel your world crumbling. But, it is true that no matter what it does take two to tango. Which means will all can improve ourselves, for ourselves and the ones we love most. I know I am and it is helping understand and pull me through my situation. But I appreciate your honesty.


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

I feel as though she has no respect for you at this time. 

Can you answer this... Were you ever judgemental with her? Blameing her for things she did wrong? Always voicing your own opinion over hers?

That's what happened to me. I never really LISTENED to my wife. She found another man and was cheating and going to leave me for him.

Once I realized this(looked and the phone bill and found looong calls to an unknown number), I looked at myself from the outside. Was I judegemental? Yes. I was. Did I ***** all the time about her deicisions? Yep. Was I acting pissed off and unhappy all the time? Yes.

She would feed off my negativity in order to justify her affair. She needed it in order to cheat on me. Once I realized this, I stopped being negative completely.

Every conversation we had was, "Hi honey! Oh, your going out? Sure! Have a great time!"

Let's face it, you can't fight it. If she is going to leave, she will leave. Dress nice, clean shaven, GO OUT WITH FRIENDS, and let her be. Show her you are not going to wait around for her. Let her know in a positive way.

Example: "Hey, you know.. Ive been thinking... Maybe you right about us needing space. I think I am going to start going out and enjoying myself. Meet some new people, etc. etc."

Oh yeah. My wife and I are happy right now. Sure. I have setbacks, but we are working through the trust issue and things are going great. My daughter has her daddy and mommy together.

Good luck to you.


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## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

I know I am resposible for how she is now. I did those things like voicing my opinion which was the right one(bad), voiced my opinion if she wanted to go somewhere without me, and critisized her sometimes. I am way too protective of her. I always made a comment if she wore something reveiling and asked her to be respectful. I was robbing her of any independence she had. I realized all of these things and have apologized 100 times but she is not giving me any chance to change our marriage. After she told me how she has changed, and I am glad for her, and how she is doing her own thing, she still tells me she needs more time. For what I do not know. I have been beaten myself up for awhile now but am not going to do it anymore. I'm the only one trying do do anything about our marriage. She is having a blast! There will have to come a time where I must draw a line in the sand if she doesn't do it first.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

May I ask the obvious here? How on earth did you hook up with a woman 15 years younger than you?

Playing with girls' ponytails, tickling + hooking up with young woman 15 years your junior...well, :scratchhead:


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## Goodchristianman (Jun 18, 2009)

What does it matter how old you are? We met and hit it off really well and both fell in love. That's how it is and how it always should be. There are different things you have to think about when you are that far apart in age but sometimes do realize. You have to think and act differently alot of the time and somtimes you just forget. I forgot!


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