# MARRIED, now what?



## phoenix in the sun (Nov 16, 2009)

i feel so lost and disconnected. we had the big ceremony with all the friends and family( his 2nd marriage and my 1st). he is the most spectacular, giving, unselfish man ever. a month after the wedding and i dont feel any great feelings of undying love, i was expecting this huge earth shattering spiritual awakening and there is nothing. I have lost complete and all interest in sex. Its as if im NUMB! going through the motions, why?

it has taken him a hell of alot to get married again, and i should be overjoyed, elated, 

but im not, 

i am short of nothing and he has provided a very comfortable life for us.

im scared to speak to anyone close to us, coz i jsut dont want anyone to know! 

i dont FEEL married at all! has anyone else felt like this, 

standing on the ledge....


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## phoenix in the sun (Nov 16, 2009)

am i just being selfish? i certainly got a HUSBAND, but i know this isnt how he pictured me being his WIFE.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

phoenix in the sun said:


> i feel so lost and disconnected. we had the big ceremony with all the friends and family( his 2nd marriage and my 1st). he is the most spectacular, giving, unselfish man ever. a month after the wedding and i dont feel any great feelings of undying love, i was expecting this huge earth shattering spiritual awakening and there is nothing. I have lost complete and all interest in sex. Its as if im NUMB! going through the motions, why?
> 
> it has taken him a hell of alot to get married again, and i should be overjoyed, elated,
> 
> ...


You may be experincing something called reality... lol... as some people are taught that love is a feeling, earth shattering feelings... and equate feelings with the intensity of their love.
The reality of it is love is far more than feelings, its about actions and commitment, things that you give and share with each other over time. The reality of it is maybe just sinking in but being married isn't like the fireworks of 4th of july
but more like a roller coaster ride. In marriage you have someones hand to hold if you married the right person...

Now what? you get on with life...
You are still you and nothing changes much except you now have a partner to love and share support/ love/ care... and you just move ahead with your life.
Good marriages that are strong and happy involve 2 whole people, not 2 halves clinging to each other trying to make fireworks. 
I'm sorry you are maybe feeling a little disillusioned about it all, but in time... you will hopefully adjust...
and not be one of those people who flee a perfectly good marriage in search of a "fireworks fix" that most opften leads to nothing but disater and put difficulty in your marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Did you live together before you married?

Is he too nice?

Did you ever have a solid physical attraction to him?






phoenix in the sun said:


> i feel so lost and disconnected. we had the big ceremony with all the friends and family( his 2nd marriage and my 1st). he is the most spectacular, giving, unselfish man ever. a month after the wedding and i dont feel any great feelings of undying love, i was expecting this huge earth shattering spiritual awakening and there is nothing. I have lost complete and all interest in sex. Its as if im NUMB! going through the motions, why?
> 
> it has taken him a hell of alot to get married again, and i should be overjoyed, elated,
> 
> ...


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Congratulations on your wedding. Take it easy on yourself as "feeling married" takes some time. Spend some time thinking about how you want your life as a wife to be and start to work on being that wife. The emotions will start to catch up as you begin to become more accustomed to that new role. You may want to get screened for depression as well as losing interest in things that you would normally enjoy might indicate you have some level of depression to work through.


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## Mrs Wifey (Nov 16, 2009)

It sounds like you might have had some unrealistic expectations of what marriage is supposed to be.

Nothing magically changes just because you had a ceremony and exchanged rings. He's the same man he was last month and you're the same woman. If you were expecting an "earth shattering awakening" you've unfortunately set yourself up for disappointment. 

The best thing you can do is realize that you've now started a new chapter in your life. You can make it into whatever you want it to be.. that's not going to happen FOR you, it's something you make happen for yourselves. You need to work together to create a happy life together. Marriage is certainly not a switch that is flipped to provide you with eternal happiness and answers. You are probably feeling some let down because oftentimes, the build up to the wedding can be all consuming, and readjusting to "normal" life afterwards can be difficult, but if you give it some time and find ways to enjoy being with each other you'll find your way.

Just settle into your new life together, remember you are still the same two people, and you need to work together to find your groove.

The Hubby Diaries


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

You sound young. Working on the marriage everyday or you will lose what you had There is no magic pill or magic way of making a marriage strong. All you can do is love him unconditionally. Doing everything you can to make your marriage the best it can.. Since this is his 2nd marriage I hope he learned what he did wrong in the first. There is no 1 person at fault. He had to have contributed. If he learned it will help you. If not it will get worse.. Find out what happened in his first marriage.


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## phoenix in the sun (Nov 16, 2009)

preso said:


> You may be experincing something called reality... lol... as some people are taught that love is a feeling, earth shattering feelings... and equate feelings with the intensity of their love.
> The reality of it is love is far more than feelings, its about actions and commitment, things that you give and share with each other over time. The reality of it is maybe just sinking in but being married isn't like the fireworks of 4th of july
> but more like a roller coaster ride. In marriage you have someones hand to hold if you married the right person...
> 
> ...





Mrs Wifey said:


> It sounds like you might have had some unrealistic expectations of what marriage is supposed to be.
> 
> Nothing magically changes just because you had a ceremony and exchanged rings. He's the same man he was last month and you're the same woman. If you were expecting an "earth shattering awakening" you've unfortunately set yourself up for disappointment.
> 
> ...




thankyou everyone for your heartfelt replies, i was really beginning, no, i was at my wits end already. And it started scarying me, coz, this is definately not the way i intended to spend my married life. a lot of good points were brought to the forefront by everyone that responded. it certainly did put things into perspective for me.

we have been living together before we got married, and i guess im actually mad, that everything has stayed the same. it just doesnt sound logical to thiink that things would somehow be different, ( but i thought that i would).

i am a young wife of 30, with 2 kids and from everyone's response, its re-assuring to know that i can feel safe for not kinowing through experience. 

will definately keep at it,


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

There are lots of people like yourself who marry with unrealistic expectations, which is also the number one reason for divorce. Those expectations tend to show themselves through the subjects of finances, child raising and extend also to family members. The problems do not lie with money, children ( usually how they are being raised is the topic of arguement) and in laws...
unrealistic expectations about those things is where the problem actually lies.
Since your not young and this is happening to you, means you should right away look into some therapy and counseling as to your SPECIFIC expectations of the reasons you married and should do so NOW BEFORE problems arise and you spend years, decades or even a lifetime trying to figure things out...
and
spend years confused and quite unhappy.

I have seen many women in your situation and in your age group have the same problems and feelings... SOME EVEN OLDER IN THEIR 60's !!!! 
The one common thread I noted in all of them was they had a very spoiled childhood. Something to think about, to consider if the way you were raised may be contributing to your issues of expectations/ confusion and delusionment, as a husband is not something you find because your too big for santas lap.
He is just a man............ and has limits. He should not be given unrealistic deamnds to meet.. and if you do it will break up your marriage, but that is not the worst part, IF YOU DO NOT FIX YOUR EXPECATIONS TO REALISTIC ONES, you will keep doing it in all the relationships/ men/ marriages coming in your future too, possibly your entire life.

If people married for the right reasons, there would not be such a high divorce rate, so don't think your the only one who feels like you do. 
I do not have any of those feelings because I married knowing my husband had limits. I married him due to certain character traits he had... and to have a partner. I had to wait a long time to find a man like him as I was asked to marry by many men, turning them all down. They didn't have what it took, the biggest thing of all 
EMOTIONAL MATURITY, which was number one on my list of what I wanted from a partner.
Have you asked yourself why you married your husband? Were the top 5 things you looked for in a husband present?
Were they realisitc? 
Are you a good partner/ spouse ( fair, trustworhy, strong) or willing to work on being those things? Even if it means coming out of your comfort zone and having to learn new ways to deal with isues to improve your communication and be a stronger person?
because of your not... you may end up divorced
and should not even think about marrying again !


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## phoenix in the sun (Nov 16, 2009)

preso said:


> There are lots of people like yourself who marry with unrealistic expectations, which is also the number one reason for divorce. Those expectations tend to show themselves through the subjects of finances, child raising and extend also to family members. The problems do not lie with money, children ( usually how they are being raised is the topic of arguement) and in laws...
> unrealistic expectations about those things is where the problem actually lies.
> Since your not young and this is happening to you, means you should right away look into some therapy and counseling as to your SPECIFIC expectations of the reasons you married and should do so NOW BEFORE problems arise and you spend years, decades or even a lifetime trying to figure things out...
> and
> ...



thankyou, for your reply, you have mentioned a few things and you really sound like you know a thing or two. About our relationship: he had all the qualities that i desired in a man and to be a father. i had never found those qualities in any guys(or maybe i was just dating the wrong ones!)

the problem is that, im beginning to think that us getting married as a MISTAKE. all the traits and understanding of each other that you mentioned, we shared. there was an unusual level of trust, committment, ( the way we were before we got married, would make most married people jeolous)

i was not spoilt growing up, i was the older of two and was always behind my mother cooking and cleaning. coz my husban is 20 years my senior, i was happy to pick up, but now i would like some help in return, 

to make matters worse, i just found out im pregnant. i dont want to be and he is going to frea
k. i dont event know how to tell him.


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## Betty (Nov 18, 2009)

I think the fact wedding is over can be playing a part too. I went through a phase after the wedding almost numb because nothing changed and it was all over.

I realized that there was SO much to do for the wedding that was all to lead up to one glorious day and then that day came and went and no one called me anymore to see how the wedding planning was coming. There was no more attention or excitement from other people so it was just us left to start our lives are wife and husband when for the past year of planning we had people everywhere helping, giving advice, wanting to share in our experience. I would imagine you had the same thing happen.

I think preso may have some truth to their post I don't entirely agree. I think you are just having trouble transition from that exciting engaged time to being married because there was no BAM moment after you said "I do". You had such high expectations of how you would feel and now you are focusing on the fact that you never felt it so it is causing you to, for lack of better words, freak out.

As far as pregnancy there is nothing that you can do other then tell him. If he is going to freak out I take it he doesn't want children either, especially with his age, but at some point both of you will have to accept it if it becomes a full term pregnancy. Yes it was obviously not wanted but this child will only bring joy to your lives.


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## phoenix in the sun (Nov 16, 2009)

Betty said:


> I think the fact wedding is over can be playing a part too. I went through a phase after the wedding almost numb because nothing changed and it was all over.
> 
> I realized that there was SO much to do for the wedding that was all to lead up to one glorious day and then that day came and went and no one called me anymore to see how the wedding planning was coming. There was no more attention or excitement from other people so it was just us left to start our lives are wife and husband when for the past year of planning we had people everywhere helping, giving advice, wanting to share in our experience. I would imagine you had the same thing happen.
> 
> ...


we have a 10 year old, and a 3 year old, so he was pretty much done.i am dreading it so much, telling him, why does it feel like he has the final say whether to keep this baby or not. this pregnancy was totally unplanned, (i was still wearing my contraceptive patch when the test was positive)

i was just just getting my life back after the 3year old. now i have to deal with a very stubborn man, that is showing no emotional attachment wat so ever!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why is he showing no emotional attachment? Has he always been that way or is he reacting to how you feel about him lately? Can he tell your sexual desire for him is so low. Is that making him tense?



phoenix in the sun said:


> we have a 10 year old, and a 3 year old, so he was pretty much done.i am dreading it so much, telling him, why does it feel like he has the final say whether to keep this baby or not. this pregnancy was totally unplanned, (i was still wearing my contraceptive patch when the test was positive)
> 
> i was just just getting my life back after the 3year old. now i have to deal with a very stubborn man, that is showing no emotional attachment wat so ever!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why is he showing no emotional attachment? Has he always been that way or is he reacting to how you feel about him lately? Can he tell your sexual desire for him is so low. Is that making him tense?



phoenix in the sun said:


> we have a 10 year old, and a 3 year old, so he was pretty much done.i am dreading it so much, telling him, why does it feel like he has the final say whether to keep this baby or not. this pregnancy was totally unplanned, (i was still wearing my contraceptive patch when the test was positive)
> 
> i was just just getting my life back after the 3year old. now i have to deal with a very stubborn man, that is showing no emotional attachment wat so ever!


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## phoenix in the sun (Nov 16, 2009)

yes, that is exactlly what is happening, he takes his queue from me, i told him over dinner with some friends. im not qite sure what the verdict is, 

i have had more time to process this than him, so im not pushing it or showing him how overly excited i am. he is the type of man that needs time to adjust.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

So, are you saying you told him you were pregnant while you were out with other people? IMO, this was not the right time to tell him. This is something you should have discussed when you were alone.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

phoenix in the sun said:


> i feel so lost and disconnected. we had the big ceremony with all the friends and family( his 2nd marriage and my 1st). he is the most spectacular, giving, unselfish man ever. a month after the wedding and i dont feel any great feelings of undying love, i was expecting this huge earth shattering spiritual awakening and there is nothing. I have lost complete and all interest in sex. Its as if im NUMB! going through the motions, why?
> 
> it has taken him a hell of alot to get married again, and i should be overjoyed, elated,
> 
> ...


And it starts....

...the dreaded spiral of rejection. A man is TOO NICE to a woman, the woman inexplicably resents that man, pushes him away, and doesn't know why. To ease the pain they both build emotional walls, and end up alone even while still in the relationship.

Sexual attraction does not come from a man being "nice" to a woman, or buying her shiny things, or giving her a certain way of life. It is an emotion that flows from our primal places, a man striving to dominate, and a woman striving to be dominated.

A man that is "too nice" to a woman subconsciously insults her, because instead of allowing her to give her greatest gift of submission to him as her dominant, worthy male, he instead makes her feel like a pitiful insecure charity case that needs to be coddled every now and then, every "nice" thing he does is viewed as just a bribe for sex, and the woman will begin to HATE the man for it.

Nip this in the bud now!!!

Allow your husband to unleash his dominant side, the caveman within, the knight in shining armor inside all good men!

Invite your husband to pick out his favorite clothes for you to wear. Encourage him to share his greatest dreams, and his deepest and darkest fantasies, and do everything you can to give them to him. Be "naughty" on purpose and invite him to spank you. 

Be creative, call out the dominant man in him and respond with everything you have!


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