# Husband Started Emotional Affair But Cut It Early -- How Can I Deal With My Issues?



## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

I am looking for some support from people in this forum. My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Early on he had some problems with honesty (not cheating) we worked through them and it hasn't been a problem for years. His mother has boundary problems that caused some of this and we still deal with those today. He stuck with me through the worst of times and has earned total respect. He is a loving and dedicated partner. We had a child four years ago.

He had a female boss at his current job who left for much greener pastures in April. She and a few of his colleagues stayed in touch via text messaging and got together for drinks a few times before and after she left. She started telling them about bringing them to work for her in the new place for lots of money in a fun job. She and my husband ended up texting each other outside of the group and inappropriate jokes and comments became private between them. The was some jokey "I miss you" and "I love you" texts. I didn't know about this. He says now he was trying to kiss her a** and make sure he was the one who got the good job with her. 

Two weeks ago we were on a road trip and he was driving. I asked to see his phone to see if his mother was texting us so she wouldn't get hysterical. I could tell he was nervous about giving me his phone (which is not too unusual given the situation with his mom). Instead, I could see this woman had texted him five picture ecards. Not explicit sexually but I couldn't understand why she was texting him at 9pm on a Thursday night. I had no idea they were texting that much. We drove for another two hours before I got up the nerve to say I was uncomfortable and could I see what she sent. He said not, he wished I wouldn't. He then told me he thought it was an EA. 

Eventually I did read the messages. He explained that he was flattered that she thought he was so smart and funny. It was very easy for the two of them to flatter each other and it made him feel good. Some of the texts were sexually explicit but not about the two of them. More about her dating situation. There was nothing bad about me or our relationship. Some of them indicate more intent to cheat on his part then he is ready to admit. However, he has admitted it was an EA.

He did not contact her again until she started texting him again and he and I agreed on the best way to handle it. (He told her he had been out of touch because he and I were very busy and work had been crazy). She texted back say he hated her and she missed him. After letting me know what he was going to send he said he didn't hate her but things were crazy. I prefer it be handled like this. I don't want this woman to know she came between us. She can suspect it but she has no right to know. He understands I need to check his phone for a while and will be watching him. He says he is not worried cause he loves me and he understands whatever I need to do to feel safe.

He says he felt comfortable doing this because he knew he would never cheat on me. I think he was in more danger because this is hubris. Also, she is a single mother and has lots of issues herself. He never should have played with he emotions like that. I understand how he got there and our marriage was neglected by me too. He never gave up trying to make love to me even when I wasn't interested. We drifted too far apart during my pregnancy and never came together. Happily this incident has brought us together.

He didn't actually cheat. But he was on the road to doing so. By the time I found out he was about two weeks and several texts in that direct. He met her without telling me to walk her to work the morning of our trip. It was a short amount of time before he would have been cheating. I am pretty confident of that. 

So he won't admit that is what he was thinking. Cause in his mind he was focused on trying to get the high paying job with her. I believe that is how it started but he was way past that point by the time I figured out what was happening. He has never denied that until I discovered it he was going to continue things with her and keep hiding it from me. I wish he had told me because if he did, I would believe he didn't intend to cheat. I think he crossed a line where he did intend to do it and now doesn't want to admit it cause we are working through this pretty well. However, if he doesn't admit it, I feel we are still in a danger zone. I think he needs to come clean. He gets upset and says I won't be happy until he says "yes, I wanted to F*** her." even though it's not the truth. 

He is a good man who I love and I will do anything to get us back on track. I don't want to nag him away on this one point since everything else he as admitted to and he has kept counsel with me about how to proceed.

Can I let this one thing slide?


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Sure you can. 

But only let it slide if you want him to resume this EA (assuming it has even stopped and isn't underground) or start another one with someone else in the future.

He was so comfortable about the situation he decided to hide it from you to the best of his ability until you caught him. That speaks so highly about the situation. 

No consequences = No reason for him to change behavior.

Color me skeptical. You should be too. 

He violated your trust. He is in a Fog. You would be a fool to start trusting him again right now.

Demand full transparency.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Please get a copy of the book Not Just Friends, the google books excerpts are in my signature. The book will explain exactly how emotional affairs start, function, and end.

Your husband is EXTREMELY unusual in that he was willing to admit to the start of an emotional affair. That is a very good sign in the sense that most people are caught at the next step beyond this one, where they have entered into deep denial, are lying to themselves to justify the affair, and begin to be more and more secretive until they are constantly lying to YOU to keep the fantasy alive.

Emotional affairs, and infatuation, are VERY powerful and anyone reading this underestimates them AT THEIR PERIL. They are escapist fantasies--no different than the person who goes to happy hour every day and drinks just enough to numb their stress (or the full-on raging alcoholic, of course), the person who shops too much for worthless things when they're down and is always behind on their credit card, or the person who eats half the cake when a modest slice would do whenever they get depressed.

You can move on, but there is a reason he encouraged this and didn't shut it down, there is a reason he hid this from you and was encouraging a private, inappropriate relationship with her. The reasons might lie wholly inside him (he is damaged in some way) or wholly with the marriage (it is in a very bad place--but the two of you contributed to that), or a combination of the two.

I also recommend you get a copy of the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, and walk through the book together.

And, find a good marriage counselor--pro-marriage (many are not!) and TRAINED in infidelity because they will push him hard on whether or not he is still in contact with her.

AND, jokey texts that said "I love you?" That is a new one...


--don't be so certain it was never physical
--don't be so certain he hasn't found an alternate way to keep in touch
--as long as you allow him to get away without an official "no contact" letter (examples can be found on the forum), she will continue to "fish" and there will be no 'ending ritual' that he would have to lose face to break


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Thank you for your replies. I am feeling very lost. He is a very loving man, who has always expressed his love and lust for me. I certainly took that for granted and rejected him often. Most often I insisted on "maintenance" sex which was just to quickly please him. He regularly insisted I allow him to pleasure me and even begged. I am not trying to be explicit, just give a picture of my part in our marital problems. I wasn't aware of how much I loved him or how much he loved me. I have self-esteem and abandonment issues. My parents split up cause my father was a cheater. He left when I was four and have probably seen him under 20 times since then. It wasn't until I was with my husband for a few years I realized that deep down, I didn't believe men truly love women. He has spent many years showing me through his love that men love women just as much as women love men. 

He has been very consistent since this happened about being in love with me and it jibes with the person he has always been. I became very wrapped up in our child and in some ways used my relationship with our kid to get some of the love I needed in this world instead of from my husband. 

He has never compared me unfavorably to any woman. He always insists I am all he needs and I know that it it true. However, in the face of me being so distant and not very loving, he was vulnerable to this attention. This woman has a pattern of drawing men she works with into inappropriate relationships, even single ones. It is how she gets by. Not excusing my husband because from what I could see he started it. They are both wrong and both treated me very badly. It is just, I know that is how we got here and I want to do the work to have a marriage where we both feel loved and appreciated. It seems like this thing is a bit of a wake up call and not destructive.

So how far can I push this point. Is there any universe where he was lying to himself so deeply he wasn't lusting after her? If he was, is it necessary to make sure he comes clean about it?

Thanks again for your thoughtful comments and guidance.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Rihanna, you sound a lot like me. In my case, there were (likely?) different circumstances that contributed to my pulling away from my husband. But, I did get that wake up call. And I was actually curious about a woman who was supposed to be a mutual friend of ours. I suspect she was interested in my husband nearly all the time we have known her, but there is no way I can prove it. It's just this feeling I have. But my husband was also in the beginning stages of an EA. Never went physical.That much I can say for certain because he'd have to travel about 1000 miles to hook up. AND he'd have to have a plausible excuse. Besides that, there's no way he would go anywhere without me anyway. He is home all day, as am I... both disabled. The point is, he was beginning an EA, but insists he wasn't responsible for how she felt about him. While that is true, he didn't need to be calling her sexy nor beautiful, acting as a knight in shining armor, because her boyfriend wasn't doing it. His excuse was "someone has to do it"...and I told him NOT *MY* HUSBAND! He finally understood when I told him that. I still check up. I freely admit that. There has been no contact since the NC text was sent. This girl swears all of her boyfriends cheated on her at some point or another. I can't say for certain whether this is true or false, but I suspect it was more likely the other way around. 

Anyway, my husband doesn't say the words "I had an emotional affair", I believe, because he was in the beginning stages. He does admit that the conversations were inappropriate. Still, I wish he would say those words. He does see how it hurt me. And we are communicating better now, that's the one good thing that came of this... on both sides. Yes, my side was an EA as well. But I check email, cell...everything. If I am away for a few hours and I get an uneasy feeling, I check the phone bill. He has shown no signs of resuming contact these last 2 months since DD. I don't check nearly as much as I did during the first month tho.

Rihanna, one thing you never said... the job. He was trying to get a high paying job, working under this woman. Please tell me you said no way about him working with her. And, he needs to cease contact, period. Don't let yourself believe that YOU are the reason he has chosen to cheat (whether emotional or physical). HE made the decision to continue talking with this woman. 

As for the joking "I love yous"... I know how those can be. Generally, I have only used that as "You got a box of cookies for me? Dude, I LOVE you!"... Not like "I am falling in love with you" but "thanks for doing that for me"... stupid, I know, but I do that kind of thing with my sisters all the time. From the sounds of what you described tho, I'd say it wasn't a joking "I love you"...it was, if anything, a beginning of the EA. Seriously, if you want your marriage to work, he needs to go NC with this woman.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

IMO, it's a miracle that your husband even knew the words "Emotional Affair". So many people don't, until they wind up in a place like TAM. Maybe your husband is the one in a million who recogized what he was doing and looked it up online or something? Either way, a good thing that you (and he) nipped it. But as the others are saying, don't trust him yet. You should be treating this as any other affair, because it is (was) an affair. No contact and 100% transparency PLUS you get to ask him all the questions you want and he HAS to answer them without trying to rugsweep. You have the control.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Maricha75,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am lucky because the first thing he said was that he was having an EA. So even when he went back into denial, we both knew that for that moment he saw the truth. He just kept telling himself that the kind of talk they engaged in was friendly and ok because he would "never" cheat on me. He was in denial that he was already cheating on me. His realization of this is a process. We have fought, loved and laughed about all of this. I mentioned something she texted him that was obviously a way of trying to turn him on and a week ago he insisted it was normal friend stuff I didn't understand. Last night I mentioned it and he was laughing at how foolish he was to pretend it was innocent.He seems to have a good balance of feeling worst about treating me and our marriage badly, getting mad at her for treating me and our marriage badly and seeing what a fool he had been. He seems genuinely happy it didn't get much further. When he didn't respond to her fishing, he told me about how tempting it was to just text her that he missed her and he was feeling bad about her feeling bad. Instead he texted me about missing me. We have a very hot and heavy texting relationship now instead of him with someone else. I am asking him directly when I need him to make me feel good by complimenting me and treating me like a girlfriend. I am responding by treating him like the attractive man he is. I was his first serious girlfriend and I am 9 years older. I had a 10 year relationship and 5 years of singledom before we dated. We worked together for a year and after we no longer worked together we started a fling that has lasted 14 years. He has very little experience which doesn't excuse this thing but gives it some context. 

I haven't demanded that he tell her no contact because they never acknowledged doing anything wrong. This stopped just short of that happening. I am certain if I hadn't interceded when I did, that would have been the next phase. I prefer he not acknowledge anything was real between them. I fear it will just add fuel to the fire. I think when she stops getting what she needs she will drift away. I know there is a danger that she will wait a while and he will be tempted again. But I he has never done anything like this before and he is making a full effort to be transparent and honest. His love for me and our life is obvious. 

Also, I have a dream of showing up when the co-workers are out together to pick him up after one drink. So this lady can see who he loves and that he wasn't really as interested in her as she thought. Just the one time. Might be a bad idea but I am not yet ready to say it can't happen.

He knows he will never work with her again. He knew immediately and regrets screwing it up. He knows if he had kept it proper it wouldn't be a problem. He acknowledges that part is all his doing and doesn't blame anyone else. He seems to have regret and gives no indication of trying to continue any kind of working relationship.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> I am looking for some support from people in this forum. My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Early on he had some problems with honesty (not cheating) we worked through them and it hasn't been a problem for years. His mother has boundary problems that caused some of this and we still deal with those today. He stuck with me through the worst of times and has earned total respect. He is a loving and dedicated partner. We had a child four years ago.
> 
> He had a female boss at his current job who left for much greener pastures in April. She and a few of his colleagues stayed in touch via text messaging and got together for drinks a few times before and after she left. She started telling them about bringing them to work for her in the new place for lots of money in a fun job. She and my husband ended up texting each other outside of the group and inappropriate jokes and comments became private between them. The was some jokey "I miss you" and "I love you" texts. I didn't know about this. He says now he was trying to kiss her a** and make sure he was the one who got the good job with her.
> 
> ...


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Please get a copy of the book Not Just Friends, the google books excerpts are in my signature. The book will explain exactly how emotional affairs start, function, and end.
> 
> Your husband is EXTREMELY unusual in that he was willing to admit to the start of an emotional affair. That is a very good sign in the sense that most people are caught at the next step beyond this one, where they have entered into deep denial, are lying to themselves to justify the affair, and begin to be more and more secretive until they are constantly lying to YOU to keep the fantasy alive.
> 
> ...


Regarding the bolded part: Could the reason he strayed simply be the dopamine rush he experienced with the other woman? Sometimes I think we (especially the betrayed spouses) overanalyze things and search and search for reasons for the betrayal. Your 3rd paragraph is spot-on.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> The was some jokey "I miss you" and "I love you" texts.


How do you know they were "jokey" as compared to serious?

The question is rhetorical, you don't know, you can't know, I'm just trying to make you aware of your own denial. You dismiss those texts as not real because you cannot accept that they might be. 

How does he know he would never cheat on you? I bet all future cheaters say that and most might even believe it. Until they find themselves in bed with another person.



Rihanna said:


> He didn't actually cheat.


How do you know he didn't actually cheat?

The question is rhetorical, you don't know, you can't know, I'm just trying to make you aware of your own denial. 



Rihanna said:


> He is a good man.. Can I let this one thing slide?


If he came clean on his own, then yeah, you could say he's a good man, he felt guilty, remorseful, etc, and you could let it go.

But he didn't come clean until he was CAUGHT.

BIG DIFFERENCE!

Dont let anything slide and stop assuming nothing is real and that he'd never cheat or that he hasn't cheated or that the sexual "love you" texts were just some sort of joke.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Rihanna, do you honestly believe that "I miss you" and "I love you" texts were jokes? Does that make any sense?

I ask because it doesn't make any sense to me. 

Things that don't make sense when a cheater tells them to you don't make sense because they are poorly fabricated lies.

If you believe that he wasn't just trying to cover his actions, I have a nice big bridge in New York I will sell you for a cheap price.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Just so you know-THIS is EXACTLY the way my WH's EA started. It continued for nearly a year. It started out (supposedly)with him trying to stand out to get the better job. Then emailing ALOT. Making light of their relationship when questioned. By the time i figured it out and could prove it-it was in the danger zone for sure. When someone starts an EA with someon at work its very dangerous b/c they see them more than they see YOU. Too much opportunity. Too much temptation. This nearly cost me my marriage. 
FYI, my H said in the beginning he knew it would 'never be physical'-later he admitted(after coming out of the fog) that it was likely that it soon would have become physical. So dont believe "Id never cheat on you" If he's texting "I love you's" Hes already cheated.

DO NOT LET THIS SLIDE. I let it slide b/c I was in denial, big mistake. Take control now. Does she have a Husband?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> Thank you for your replies. I am feeling very lost. He is a very loving man, who has always expressed his love and lust for me. I certainly took that for granted and rejected him often. Most often I insisted on "maintenance" sex which was just to quickly please him. He regularly insisted I allow him to pleasure me and even begged. I am not trying to be explicit, just give a picture of my part in our marital problems. I wasn't aware of how much I loved him or how much he loved me. I have self-esteem and abandonment issues. My parents split up cause my father was a cheater. He left when I was four and have probably seen him under 20 times since then. It wasn't until I was with my husband for a few years I realized that deep down, I didn't believe men truly love women. He has spent many years showing me through his love that men love women just as much as women love men.
> 
> He has been very consistent since this happened about being in love with me and it jibes with the person he has always been. I became very wrapped up in our child and in some ways used my relationship with our kid to get some of the love I needed in this world instead of from my husband.
> 
> ...


here it sounds like you are taking the blame for his A. You can take the blame for the state of the marriage. The A is 100% on him.

And you asked if he was lying to himself about lusting for her??? No, but he is quite possibly lying to YOU.

R must be based on truth. All of it.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

canttrustu -- What do you mean by consequences?


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Cubby -- Thanks. I guess we are going to have to read that book. I do feel quick to forgive. Consequences if he is continuing to lie to me and if he does it again are the total devastation of a family unit we worked very hard to build. He has family relationships that would be damaged. I don't know this person who had this affair. But I know the other guy really well. I feel like if he tells me about the romance/lust side of things, I can know both men and we can use that to build trust up again. Does this sound reasonable?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> canttrustu -- What do you mean by consequences?


where did I say consequences? I dont know what youre referring to.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Cubby -- Yes, just last night we talked about the dopamine he got from this relationship. How those feelings of falling in love are the best high. He started to acknowledge he was experiencing that. It was a way of talking about it that maybe made it a little safer to be more open. I am focused on providing him a safe place to share his feelings with me. I don't feel like punishing him or belittling him. I know he fears this. In the past I held things over his head and didn't let go. I am not that person anymore but he has to learn to trust me too.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> where did I say consequences? I dont know what youre referring to.


Someone else said it.

Consequences, as in if you screw up again I'm going to divorce your A$$.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

cantrustu -- whoops, it was posse who wrote that.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

The I miss you and I love you were not actually jokey. But the two of them hid behind it being a joke as a subterfuge. It was a way for them to test each other out. From what I saw it looks like it started as something that was said in the group, that they all missed this woman who was their boss. Then she and he continued to do it with out the group. They were definitely on the way but it was way they were getting there. It seems clear it was just about to break open between them when I found out.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I completely agree here!!! BUT also dont put your head in the sand. In other words TRUST BUT VERIFY. And giving him a soft place to fall is always a good thing as long as he is being open and honest. Once my H started being honest, things started looking up. It was the fog and the lying that I couldnt take. and remember-its RARE for a cheater to be completely honest unless presented with irrefuteable evidence. So he very well could be TT'ing. Just know where you stand is my best advice.

Good luck.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> The I miss you and I love you were not actually jokey. But the two of them hid behind it being a joke as a subterfuge. It was a way for them to test each other out. From what I saw it looks like it started as something that was said in the group, that they all missed this woman who was their boss. Then she and he continued to do it with out the group. They were definitely on the way but it was way they were getting there. It seems clear it was just about to break open between them when I found out.


Just remember, he has now shown this propensity. I agree with reading 'Not just friends' and lots and lots of talking. Something my H and I did was he wrote, in his own hand, a Magna Carte of fidelity. Rules he put down to follow when it comes to other women and what is and isnt acceptable. Especially when it comes to the coworker situation. He wrote it and signed and dated it. It means he knows the rules and expected boundaries. If he violates them again, it is not out of ignorance, but out of disregard and I will act accordingly.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

totamm said:


> Someone else said it.
> 
> Consequences, as in if you screw up again I'm going to divorce your A$$.


Yes, this. Marriage is on double secret probation right now because of your actions, hubby.

Also transparency in his communications at a minimum so you can make sure he doesn't start this one back up or start another Affair later in the future. 

He could always get super crafty to try to get around the transparency, but the transparency gives you something to work with. If you catch him skulking around to avoid detection later, his actions will tell you everything you need to know about him in themselves.

Its your marriage. You have to do what you think is best for it. Just know that sweeping everything under the rug doesn't usually turn out well. 

I'm glad to hear he is discussing it with you. Is he owning his behavior or blaming you?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I just want to chime in one more time to point out how insidious emotional affairs are. They are such trojan horses that it would not surprise me if a spouse TOLD you they were in one, admitted it was wrong, but went behind your back to contact their AP anyhow. 

Remember the escapist fantasy. It is LOTS and LOTS of fun. Complusive shoppers know what they do is wrong. Overeaters do it too! They can tell you ALL ABOUT the consequences. That doesn't mean they don't run back to their preferred way of dealing with anxiety, stress, or other unpleasantness in life at the very first opportunity.

Think of the One Ring if you know the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The holder could simultaneously feel the power of its evil but also be seduced into putting it on.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> i just want to chime in one more time to point out how insidious emotional affairs are. They are such trojan horses that it would not surprise me if a spouse told you they were in one, admitted it was wrong, but went behind your back to contact their ap anyhow.
> 
> Remember the escapist fantasy. It is lots and lots of fun. Complusive shoppers know what they do is wrong. Overeaters do it too! They can tell you all about the consequences. That doesn't mean they don't run back to their preferred way of dealing with anxiety, stress, or other unpleasantness in life at the very first opportunity.
> 
> Think of the one ring if you know the lord of the ring trilogy. The holder could simultaneously feel the power of its evil but also be seduced into putting it on.


this.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

The comments here frighten me into thinkIng he isn't telling me enough. However, having been together 14 years I know what he may be covering. Then again he must think it would be worse to tell me he is seriously involved with her. He has a one time amnesty with me now. I hope he uses it wisely. Should I discover his transparency is fake, I will leave him for sure. I love him too deeply to stay if our Love is tainted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> The comments here frighten me into thinkIng he isn't telling me enough. However, having been together 14 years I know what he may be covering. Then again he must think it would be worse to tell me he is seriously involved with her. He has a one time amnesty with me now. I hope he uses it wisely. Should I discover his transparency is fake, I will leave him for sure. I love him too deeply to stay if our Love is tainted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More important than establishing a one-time amnesty is avoiding rug-sweeping. Understand that the person who crosses the marital boundaries has a huge vested interest in rug-sweeping--and you do, too. I realize you are doing your best not to; but what you typically see is the person crossing boundaries shutting down and minimizing it until you feel stupid bringing it up.

Please look at the books Not Just Friends and Boundaries in Marriage WITH him. I would go through these first and as soon as you can.

Also--some great books that can help a marriage that is vulnerable to affairs--for both of you
His Needs / Her Needs (Dr. Harley, free questionnaire on website)
Love Busters (ditto)
5 Love Languages (free website quiz)

But realize that confiding in someone outside of the marriage is a symptom, and you don't know of what. It could be something entirely inside HIM, in which case, the above books will make the marriage better but will not alter his internal issues.


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## Ironhorse (Apr 25, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> The comments here frighten me into thinkIng he isn't telling me enough. However, having been together 14 years I know what he may be covering. Then again he must think it would be worse to tell me he is seriously involved with her. He has a one time amnesty with me now. I hope he uses it wisely. Should I discover his transparency is fake, I will leave him for sure. I love him too deeply to stay if our Love is tainted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would suggest that you don't wait to find out that his transparency is fake. You need to establish ground rules for complete transparency. If he is really committed to this marriage he must provide complete transparency. I am in a similar situation with my wife after 17 years of marriage and yet to get complete transparency. We will now start MC to help us evaluate our marriage. 
I feel in these situation, MC is important to help both the BS and the marriage.


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## SangFroud (Jun 7, 2012)

Nope, do not let it slide. You have caught the texts/ecards but who knows what other means of communication they have access too? I'd ask for full access to every means of communication at any time. I'd also ask for a NC text to be sent and cc'd to your phone. THEN I'd switch phone numbers with him. After my husband's odd behavior in our marriage and EA Affair (the one I caught him in btw) I am very un-trusting - don't let this one slide!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> The comments here frighten me into thinkIng he isn't telling me enough. However, having been together 14 years I know what he may be covering. Then again he must think it would be worse to tell me he is seriously involved with her. He has a one time amnesty with me now. I hope he uses it wisely. Should I discover his transparency is fake, I will leave him for sure. I love him too deeply to stay if our Love is tainted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is so strange. My H had his A in our 14th yr of marriage also. I gave him ONE chance after proving SOME of what I knew and waiting to see IF he came clean with the rest. For the most part-he did. Got some TT'ing but I think it was purely just more based on realizations as he came out of the fog. But he told me some things that were so hard to hear that I cant even describe the feeling I had as I listened. It was a pain I will never forget. AND when I asked the hard questions-he answered. Truthfully and sometimes painfully. Most definately not what I wanted to hear but what I NEEDED to hear b/c it was the TRUTH. And the truth had been missing for nearly a year from our marriage. 

You need to go about finding out as much as you can on your own so you can make an informed decision. Its also helpful in knowing if you are seeing true remorse because if he is giving half truths- Its not TRUE REMORSE and R will fail.

Hold on tight. Its gonna be a painful ride. But if he is truthful and remorseful-you can recover.

Good luck.

CTU


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Not letting it slide at all. Finally came up with my plan to take care of myself & told him last night. If he doesn't tell me anything I should know before I start being trusting again and then anything comes out, I will leave & file for divorce. No more discussion. I will not use our son as a pawn or leave the area to be closer to my family. Our marriage will be over.

I have read their exchanges on text and can't find any evidence phone calls. He is contrite and not blaming anyone. He admits he was wooing her and falling in love with her. However, it started as a game to see if he could get this powerful, confident single woman to act like she wanted him even though he wasn't available. He knew he entered the danger zone but didn't stop and instead was going in deeper. He denies the action but was in denial about using her and that it was going to put him in a compromising position which would have lead to sex.

He understands my question and is getting past his shame to allow me to ask about anything. He knows I can do any number of things besides check his phone. I have full access to his phone. I have full control of our money (& always have cause I pay our bills) he can get money but I would know about it. Also, his time away from me is pretty limited to work cause we are pretty close in general and that is our lifestyle.

However, we were resentful, he felt sorry for himself. We were distant emotionally & sexually. Turns out we are still totally into each other when we talk honestly & openly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Mistake above, he denies the intention but not the action. His logic makes sense to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Rihanna said:


> Mistake above, he denies the intention but not the action. His logic makes sense to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This was me. It was the absolute truth. I was in an EA. I never intended to do so. I never for one moment stopped loving my wife. I did not realize I was in an EA. I was in that fog of brain chemicals. My head was up my own butt with ego and naivette. I was an idiot. This happens to a lot of people. It is the most common form of infidelity I am certain. It tends to be a pre-cursor to many PAs as well.

My wife called me on it and I was sure we were just close friends. I was wrong. I listened to my wife even though I thought she was wrong. I went NC with the OW. It took me six weeks to withdraw. Emails that I thought were innocent earlier I could now see in a different light. The occasional. My wife saved our marriage. She was very understanding. This was not a rug sweep by any means. 

We soon after did His Needs Her Needs together. Eye opening stuff at least for me. I did not have good boundaries. I, like all other folks who fall into an EA think they are immune. They are different. They have too much character. Character is essential but gets short circuited by the feelings. You are not rational. Your integrity is compromied. You do not see what you are doing as wrong. I suppose this does get to that point but by then you are bonded to another person. This is totally wrong. I could only hope that had it gone on that character would have stopped it. But it scares me to think about it.

My point is that I believe he is being honest with you. BUT, I also believe a couple should always look out for their partner. I am not a believer in blind trust. I believe that marriage is about love and respect and that trust can be a by product. Trust is indeed essential in a marriage. But trust does not mean you should not be vigilante. I worry more about a spouse having tunnel vision more than I would worry about willful cheating. Marriage is a partnership. There are predators like this woman.

My wife was able to forgive me in a very short time. She realized I knew I messed up. I had poor boundaries and made bad choices. This was about 15 years ago. As recent as four years ago I still had not completely forgiven myself. I will always carry a permanent scare at my center where my integrity was breached. But at my wifes urging I needed to let it go. I had lost respect for myself. I could not be the husband for her that she needed me to be. So I have been on that quest.

What tremendous strength and love my wife had for her to engage in stopping my EA. She literally pulled me from the abyss when most other women would have let me go. She obviously thought I was worth the trouble. Her words came through the fog and no pun intended pulled me into the light. It was probably less about the words and more about her being able to reach me at my center. This was not out of anger but very much compassion. This was not just my wife and lover but my very best friend in the world. She humbled me by her depth of understanding and compassion and does to this day. She proved to be truly worthy of ALL of my love. I was wrong to allow myself to bond with another.

I honestly do not know what would have happened if the EA was not stopped where it was. It was an obsession without conscious thought of anything but taking a friendship deeper. That would have been disaster of course but my point is that I was not mentally planning to have sex with this woman ... yet. I can see now that it would have continued and there would have been more romantic feelings exchanged. I was not even hiding anything though. I can only assume that I was having needs met and was slowly falling in love with another woman. I can see that now. It was not my intent at all. I understand the circumstances that lead to this. They were all on me. I had put myself in a situation where I was working crazy hours so my wife did not have a chance to meet my needs and those hours also included a lot of time with the OW. This was the nature of my job. That came first. I did not do that to be with the OW. But after a very long time we started to bond in a natural way. I knw better now.

So what should you do. I would say do His Needs Her Needs together. Set better boudnaries. Become more initmate with each other. But he must go complete NC with this woman. I get that you do not want her to think she had the power to come between you and your husband. I think that is valid. That only encourages things in your case.
But I think he needs to be more blunt. He should have told her that his total focus is on his marriage. He should not however now seek her out. He needs to go total NC. You should also forever and a day be vigilant to help protect your marriage. No blind trust. Go for a loving trust that includes transparency. That loving trust my take significant time. Give yourself time. It's ok.

Good luck.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Entropy & CTU thanks for the share & support. Was feeling trusting then realized I never checked his work email. Will do it to tonight. My gut says I know it all but I will check everything I out. I don't expect him to object. They monitor emaI in his job so should be clean. He is not clearing his browser history and it doesn't look like he went to an online email account. So only likely contact is via work phone. Can't check that. Have to trust. Still having a hard time with the total NC. Only because I want a chance to be seen among all coworkers as the wife he loves. Only briefly, kind of a sweep him away thing. Bad idea? Then, I want him to continue seeing his other friends (not her) after work at some point. I know he needs this and I expect he can handle it. I just need to be more visible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> Entropy & CTU thanks for the share & support. Was feeling trusting then realized I never checked his work email. Will do it to tonight. My gut says I know it all but I will check everything I out. I don't expect him to object. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought this too--and my husband claimed they never really communicated much that way.

Then he brought his laptop home and I surreptiously searched the whole computer. Turns out they had emailed that way after all. He had not precisely lied to me but he hadn't been exactly truthful, either (they had ceased contact but they had used work email to communicate). The emails, interestingly, were NOT in Outlook, they were in some other part of the computer (I can't recall, not the recycle bin, but he had not saved them or anything--I think it's because they had changed email addresses multiple times at the office and these predated the latest change in addresses).

If he has a work laptop, and brings it home, this is another way to handle it. Wait until he brings it home and then ask so he can't scrub it clean in anticipation.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> What tremendous strength and love my wife had for her to engage in stopping my EA. She literally pulled me from the abyss when most other women would have let me go. She obviously thought I was worth the trouble. Her words came through the fog and no pun intended pulled me into the light. It was probably less about the words and more about her being able to reach me at my center. This was not out of anger but very much compassion. This was not just my wife and lover but my very best friend in the world. She humbled me by her depth of understanding and compassion and does to this day. She proved to be truly worthy of ALL of my love. I was wrong to allow myself to bond with another.


This is what I want to be. What a terrific woman you married.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I thought this too--and my husband claimed they never really communicated much that way.
> 
> Then he brought his laptop home and I surreptiously searched the whole computer. Turns out they had emailed that way after all. He had not precisely lied to me but he hadn't been exactly truthful, either (they had ceased contact but they had used work email to communicate). The emails, interestingly, were NOT in Outlook, they were in some other part of the computer (I can't recall, not the recycle bin, but he had not saved them or anything--I think it's because they had changed email addresses multiple times at the office and these predated the latest change in addresses).
> 
> If he has a work laptop, and brings it home, this is another way to handle it. Wait until he brings it home and then ask so he can't scrub it clean in anticipation.


I agree here. Especially the last line. Be sure not to give warning about reading his work email. Just ask the next time he brings home the computer. Be sure to look in the archives too.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

He doesn't have a work lappy. So I will have check their online system. Will surprise him with it tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

I checked the work email and didn't find anything. We are arguing a bit but coming together. I feel as if I know it all and need to take my mind off it after three weeks of this. However, we haven't done the NC and maybe we need to. I don't mean he will be in touch with her. I just mean he has stopped texting her. He sent he a reply that we wrote together that was a friendly, I am busy with Rihanna, hope you are well. She then sent another text which we have not yet replied to. She isn't taking the message.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> He sent he a reply that we wrote together that was a friendly, I am busy with Rihanna, hope you are well. She then sent another text which we have not yet replied to. She isn't taking the message.


This is not a "no contact" email. There are examples here on the forum of what it should have said instead. A no contact email is a definitive rejection that cannot be confused as a "I'm busy" message. It's a, "I'm permanently not available to even be your friend" message. It's hard, but it has to be clear and firm. 

Once that is sent, he should then set his phone to BLOCK her texts and calls.

If he will not send a definitive no contact message, and he will not block her messages (OR he later unblocks her) you know where you stand.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> I checked the work email and didn't find anything. We are arguing a bit but coming together. I feel as if I know it all and need to take my mind off it after three weeks of this. *However, we haven't done the NC and maybe we need to.* I don't mean he will be in touch with her. I just mean he has stopped texting her. He sent he a reply that we wrote together that was a friendly, I am busy with Rihanna, hope you are well. She then sent another text which we have not yet replied to. *She isn't taking the message.*


She is going to keep texting unless she is told "don't contact me anymore" my husband and I did this with his OW. I sent her a text, myself because I had considered her a friend at one point and she claimed she didn't want to come between him and me. When I learned of their true feelings, I requested that she no longer speak to him. I also showed the message to my husband and told him I thought it best that he tell her as well, if he wanted to work things out with me. Well, her reply to me was, essentially, "how can you be so selfish! we've been friends (all of us) for 4 years" etc...and she even said "did you ever stop to think maybe I am the reason he's acting the way he is now?"... and she ended the message with "I want to hear it from him, and not from you on his cell. He sent her the NC text and she went off on him, just as I suspected she would. He saw her true colors...and that I was correct in my assessment. 

Do the NC thing. Get her out of your lives for good. You are likely going to feel you need to check to be sure they truly cease speaking, but that need fades in time. I still check, just not as militantly lol.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

I understand what you are saying about the NC but it doesn't seem best for this situation. Their texts only started to acknowledge their special feelings the four days before DDay. Had I not interceded on DDay, the thing would have become open. I have read the whole text relationship from genuine appropriate work texts that devolves into jokes, flirts and finally romance. The romance was still in the "does she like me?", "maybe he likes me" testing it out phase. If acknowledges the wrongness & the attraction she has plausible deniability. He is still coming to terms with the fact that she was actually fallIng for him and that he was using her for his own self-esteem. I don't wan her to have a chance to belittle him by telling their mutual friends he was chasing her which she has evidence of in these texts. If he bows out gracefully, she may not feel spurned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> I understand what you are saying about the NC but it doesn't seem best for this situation. Their texts only started to acknowledge their special feelings the four days before DDay. Had I not interceded on DDay, the thing would have become open. I have read the whole text relationship from genuine appropriate work texts that devolves into jokes, flirts and finally romance. The romance was still in the "does she like me?", "maybe he likes me" testing it out phase. If acknowledges the wrongness & the attraction she has plausible deniability. He is still coming to terms with the fact that she was actually fallIng for him and that he was using her for his own self-esteem. I don't wan her to have a chance to belittle him by telling their mutual friends he was chasing her which she has evidence of in these texts. If he bows out gracefully, she may not feel spurned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Rihanna, I am sorry to be blunt, but I don't think you quite understand. The point of the rejection is that she is supposed to feel spurned. When she feels spurned, she might stop contacting him. (Note I say might, because the spin she'll put on it mentally is that YOU made him send the message and he secretly doesn't agree. This is how the minds of cheaters work.)

You also need HIM to see her for her true self. So she bad-mouths him and claims he was chasing her. That sounds like a turn-off to me if there ever was one.

I understand that you want this to magically go away. What everyone is trying to tell you is that BECAUSE you caught this early, firm rejection will likely nip it in the bud, where a few weeks down the road it might not have any effect at all. Please read more emotional affair threads in this forum if you don't believe me. Once they are deeply infatuated--and they may be there, you just don't know for sure--all bets are off.

You are entitled to handle this the way you see fit. I, for one, will never say, "I told you so." But in my opinion, you are playing with fire to end it the way that you have. You've already seen proof how ridiculously ineffective his "I'm busy with my WIFE" email was!! What more proof do you need than that?

Maybe you don't need to go the certified mail route and maybe you don't need to go with the full abasing language that is in the No Contact letter on the forum. But you are risking a lot by not sending a definitive rejection that is much, much stronger than what has been sent so far.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

He is giving me full transparency. He asked me to put a spy device on his phone so I can feel reassured he isn't covering up anything in that area. We don't have a lot of money & he could only be hiding some kind of Go Phone and that just isn't consistent with his genuine understanding of how he made a lot of bad choices to get to this point. Not just the EA but the choices he made that made him vulnerable to give into this situation. He wants to go to MC if we can't come together about this. He appreciates my acknowledgement of my side of our growing distant but reminds me that he is the one that hurt me and he needs to bear the brunt of the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Rihanna, I am sorry to be blunt, but I don't think you quite understand. The point of the rejection is that she is supposed to feel spurned. When she feels spurned, she might stop contacting him. (Note I say might, because the spin she'll put on it mentally is that YOU made him send the message and he secretly doesn't agree. This is how the minds of cheaters work.)
> 
> *You also need HIM to see her for her true self. So she bad-mouths him and claims he was chasing her. That sounds like a turn-off to me if there ever was one.*
> 
> ...


This is what I was trying to point out. When the OW from my husband's (early caught) EA saw that he agreed with me, that our marriage was far more important than remaining in contact with her, she went off on him. She posted about it on Facebook by the time we got home and were able to remove her. He saw what she was REALLY like, based on her reaction to the NC text. We never sent a certified letter or anything like that. We kept it to text. We are 2 months post DDay.

The thing is, it really doesn't matter whether she says it was him chasing her or whatever. What matters is getting her out of your life for good. And, if she does go to these other people... yea, he will likely be embarrassed. But, he got involved with her. He made the choice that he has to live with. Just as my husband did... just as I did. Ultimately, it is up to you. But based on experience, she won't take the hint. She will have to be told, point blank, to no longer contact him. And, like iheartlife, I won't say "i told you so" either. I just hope whatever you choose to do works.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Thank you for your kind words. This is exactly the kind of help I need. I think you maybe right. He does need to see her in the worst light. 

The first time he didn't answer her with the usual affection he talked about his longing to do so. Instead he texted me to try to get passed it. He is coming to see that she treated me very badly and that is not the kind of thing he likes. He said he now sees how sordid the whole thing was but he did not see it at the time. It meant a lot to me that he used the word sordid because it demonstrates a real understanding at it was his word not mine.

Yes, I have to resist my own impulse to "play with fire". It is a real temptation for me. 

Thank you for being blunt. I need it!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Rihanna,

Your H may WANT this to end but the allure of an EA is incredible. Equivalent to a drug. You must be more proactive. If its easy to 'fall back' with her- HE WILL. He may full well know what he did was wrong. He may feel sorry. And it may be truly genuine BUT the temptation to push it and get his 'fix' by contacting her and continuing this EA will be huge. He really has to tell her "NO MORE. Im married. This was a mistake. Please dont contact me any further. All other communication will go directly to my wife and bypass me." This is a litmus test of sorts to prove to you that he is done with her as well as telling her that he chooses YOU. 

Im sorry but I think you really have to step up here. Ive been where you are and I waited for my H to cut it off. I didnt realize just how unlikely that was. He didnt until faced with possible D. Then he realized the fog he was in and what it was about to cost him but not ONE DAY BEFORE. EA allure is wicked. He cant handle it alone.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

I joke around ALLOT....never with "I love you" though.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> I joke around ALLOT....never with "I love you" though.


I really hope you arent flirtatious with married men.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I really hope you arent flirtatious with married men.


Not tempted to flirt with men. Tempted to show up when the friends are having drinks to show I am the one he wants and make her feel foolish. He is our plan. If she contacts again he sends the no contact and includes me. I realize this is contrary to the collective wisdom and am considering all options. I don't have to commit to a certain path now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> Not tempted to flirt with men. Tempted to show up when the friends are having drinks to show I am the one he wants and make her feel foolish. He is our plan. If she contacts again he sends the no contact and includes me. I realize this is contrary to the collective wisdom and am considering all options. I don't have to commit to a certain path now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I was asking JuliaP.... She made the comment I quoted.

And no you dont Have to do anything.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just so you know, it's a BS fantasy that you can make an OW feel foolish. While you think it will put her in her place, she will sit there smugly sure of herself. By all means go. But how is NC going to function exactly if she is frequently in this group? You are going to play cop and show up each time? I don't see how this is ending anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Just so you know, it's a BS fantasy that you can make an OW feel foolish. While you think it will put her in her place, she will sit there smugly sure of herself. By all means go. But how is NC going to function exactly if she is frequently in this group? You are going to play cop and show up each time? I don't see how this is ending anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree::iagree:
playing with fire here IMO. You cannot shame someone who has no morals. This is your call. As you said "you dont have to commit to a certain path right now." But it seems to me you have- the one of least resistance. 

Good luck


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

You are right it is a BS fantasy. They really have only gone for drinks as a group about 4 times over the last six months. It isn't a regular thing. He is not going to participate if she is involved and I will skip the BS dreaming when it comes to planning.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Am I wrong to be afraid that if he communicates with her and says no more to something that was never verbalized it will make it hotter for her/them. I mean he was into this thing to confirm his masculinity and attractiveness. At the point I interceded he was only realizing she was "probably" into him. It just seems if they confirm this together it is a new level of intimacy for them. I have transparency. We are talking about this daily. I am not accepting his BS denials of being into her. I am still reminding him that he is the one who doesn't have context for this.

It he is BSing me and still in this thing more than he is letting on, there isn't anything to change it. If they haven't been in any contact for weeks, except the one text I approved, is initiating contact seems counter productive. If she tries to contact him again, then yes beIng explicit is in order. If he ignores her, then she won't assume his wife is keeping him from he, she will assume he lost interest. We are not talking about full blown, thing where it was acknowledged they were doing anything wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> Am I wrong to be afraid that if he communicates with her and says no more to something that was never verbalized it will make it hotter for her/them. I mean he was into this thing to confirm his masculinity and attractiveness. At the point I interceded he was only realizing she was "probably" into him. It just seems if they confirm this together it is a new level of intimacy for them. I have transparency. We are talking about this daily. I am not accepting his BS denials of being into her. I am still reminding him that he is the one who doesn't have context for this.
> 
> It he is BSing me and still in this thing more than he is letting on, there isn't anything to change it. If they haven't been in any contact for weeks, except the one text I approved, is initiating contact seems counter productive. If she tries to contact him again, then yes beIng explicit is in order. If he ignores her, then she won't assume his wife is keeping him from he, she will assume he lost interest. We are not talking about full blown, thing where it was acknowledged they were doing anything wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, now you're getting into the mechanics of the No Contact messages / letters. This is why it's good to get it right the first time. I can completely relate to this dilemma, where the original No Contact wasn't worded properly. I also understand you didn't want it to be an official document notarized and embossed. Even so, I think you'll concede there was a happy medium between "I'm busy" and "f*ck off."

I guess what I'd do is monitor the texting (and also consider if she is contacting / reaching out to him some other way if he continues to ignore the texts). And then come down very officially with the next bit of contact, because there will be a next one.

Obviously, verifying he isn't in contact isn't a permanent solution. Right NOW while he's feeling bad about the situation it's time to fully and thoroughly discuss transparency, particular online / electronic transparency, with you offering it up too. The more you set an example here, the less room he has to argue that he can keep some corner of the online / gadget world off-limits.

I can't recall if they've been discussed before, but I'd get the books His Needs / Her Needs (print off the online questionnaire and get him to fill it out); Love Busters (ditto); The 5 Love Languages (fun quiz, get him to do it); The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (Gottman). _And last but not least_, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend. Each book fills a different role. Check them out of the library (or via inter-library loan if they don't have them) if you don't want to buy them.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

There is no area of gadgetry that I don't have access. I can't access his work computer. I am never around at his office which needs to change. I am trying to take steps to change that and show up there. Maybe I should bug his phone & not tell him. That way when we are back to normal I can see how he really handles himself. He has an Xbox but isn't secretive and doesn't play social games much. He doesn't use the household laptop much but I will check it. I can't monitor his work phone. At this time it doesn't seem like anything more is happening. I am only worrie for the future when we are not talking as much. However, I am making sure we get on the same page about what actually transpired.

I will look for those books & quizzes.

Thank you for helping me with your time and wisdom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

He knows any more of this relationship or any other means divorce. No more discussion. I have promised to handle divorce fairly as far as putting our child's needs first. Not making it an angry divorce and I don't think the failure of our marriage to be this affair. However, we are in love and closer than we have been in a long time. Anything else happens, that is tainted & I am done. So if he needs motivation to resist he has it. He know I don't [email protected]@k around with this s##t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> playing with fire here IMO. You cannot shame someone who has no morals. This is your call. As you said "you dont have to commit to a certain path right now." But it seems to me you have- the one of least resistance.
> 
> Good luck


This is so true. My STBEH's other woman is truly shameless. She is a married serial cheater who still has the wool pulled over her dopey husband's eyes, despite being apprised of her multiple affairs. 

The OW, actually saw my STBEH and me together and gave him the most flirtatious smile I have ever seen a woman give. 

She totally ignored me. 

I agree with Iheartlife, too. A big part of the problem is my husband never sent a firm no contact letter, and tried to let her down easy. 

She likely always thought I was the reason he no longer wanted her, and even though he does not, she continued to contact him until I contacted her husband.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think now it's time to show him that you are willing to work on the marriage. I realize that you may feel you have been there for him in every way, and if he did have "needs" then they weren't communicated properly.

Get him to take the quizzes / questionnaires and tell us how he scored. I'm betting he likes to feel love from you via words of affirmation, at least.

Work email and phones are a loophole for many people.

But instead of spyware, for now, I'd opt for showing up at work. Have lunch if you can--date him during the week so you are spending more time together. You need to be spending 15 hours a week of quality one-on-one alone time (no phones, computers, game consoles involved) and this is a way to bring in the hours.

If you can, sit down at his work computer and do a global search for her name (as well as searching his email software). Surprise him with the request and stand there next to him while he does it so he can't weasel out.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> I have read their exchanges on text and can't find any evidence phone calls.position which would have lead to sex.


Because BS are often in a fog of their own, I think it's important for me to chime in. 

My STBEH had several burn phones. I found out about them later and accidentally. Just something to think about.



> He understands my question and is getting past his shame to allow me to ask about anything. He knows I can do any number of things besides check his phone. I have full access to his phone. I have full control of our money (& always have cause I pay our bills) he can get money but I would know about it. Also, his time away from me is pretty limited to work cause we are pretty close in general and that is our lifestyle.


EAs take place via Facebook, secret email accounts and burn phone texts. The Physical part need not take that long. On the way home from work for example and he's only an hour or half hour later than usual. 

Also the OW was married, and she actually had less freedom than I gave him because she had four kids. 

My STbEH wanted to date at night, she really preferred to see him during the day. Most of their dates were long lunches. I thought he was at work or out with a client. He was with her.

As for full control of the money. I too had full control or so I thought. I was however just the unpaid bookkeeper who paid all the bills with the money I knew we had. I was a very conservative spender, too. I always conserve our cash and saved for the future and another business he wanted to start.

Later, I found hidden bank accounts, credit cards and frequent small withdrawals of cash. I had questioned him about the frequent cash withdrawals from our bank accounts and his credit cards over the years, but he always had a plausible excuse, clients, treating his father, etc., likely all cover stories. 

Cheaters use cash to pay for hotels, burn phones and gifts to avoid leaving a credit card trail that a forensic accountant can trace. 

His credit card and bank account statements were being mailed to his office. Some cheaters use a PO box.

So, Just stay alert, because you may only think you have control of the money.

BTW: As I write this my face is reddening with the shame and embarrassment of my utter stupidity and naiveté. How could I be made such a fool of so easily. 

How can I still stay with someone who was so willing to make a fool of me and to share personal details of my life with a person like the OW who obviously lacks integrity or any sense of shame.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I think now it's time to show him that you are willing to work on the marriage. I realize that you may feel you have been there for him in every way, and if he did have "needs" then they weren't communicated properly.
> 
> Get him to take the quizzes / questionnaires and tell us how he scored. I'm betting he likes to feel love from you via words of affirmation, at least.
> 
> ...


THE LAST PARAGRAPH! DO IT. My H never deleted anything from OW. Searched her name in outlook and BAM!


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

From another thread. Would this end me bury my head in sand and taking a path of least resistance?




Xena said:


> Sorry you're here, citygrl. I just had a thought of two ways you could check if they slept together because you deserve to have that question answered:
> 
> 1. get him to take a polygraph.
> 
> ...


Has anyone ever tried this plan. It seems like it would work to give me the information I need. If he isn't telling me the truth he will be backed into a corner and have to tell me. If he is telling me the truth, it is a good chance for him to have a no contact conversation.

I was thinking of having him call from my phone and recording it. With me sitting there. He can text her say, hey, gotta new number, want to talk to to you can I give you a ring? Then he calls and says, Sorry about being out of touch. I got this new phone so i could get in touch with you. She saw our texts and she thinks we are more than friends.

Is this a good idea?


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> BTW: As I write this my face is reddening with the shame and embarrassment of my utter stupidity and naiveté. How could I be made such a fool of so easily.
> 
> How can I still stay with someone who was so willing to make a fool of me and to share personal details of my life with a person like the OW who obviously lacks integrity or any sense of shame.



You are not stupid, nor naive, Sara. Your husband is the fool. Why would you suspect that the person you are supposed to trust most in this world, would go behind your back and have secret phones and secret accounts. He's the one that decided to turn your life into Mission Impossible, not you.

And he attracted someone with no integrity because he has none himself.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Rihanna said:


> From another thread. Would this end me bury my head in sand and taking a path of least resistance?
> 
> Has anyone ever tried this plan. It seems like it would work to give me the information I need. If he isn't telling me the truth he will be backed into a corner and have to tell me. If he is telling me the truth, it is a good chance for him to have a no contact conversation.
> 
> ...


I certainly haven't tried this. 

Why do you want to do this? Do you suspect that he's lying and there's a physical component to their relationship?


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

*Husband Started Emotional Affair But Cut It Early -- Follow Up*

Hi All,

It has been over six months since DDay. I can report my husband has had no contact with this woman after sending an NC text one month after DDay. I have monitored his phone, block her number from his phone, watched his email, checked his work email by surprise once and never found anything to indicate he continued this relationship.

We have been very attached to each other and had very romantic time. We are in MC and he is in IC. I start IC tomorrow. I am having a very hard time getting past this. I am obsessed with thinking about it, imagining what might have happened and I am paranoid it is happening. However, each time I have been severely paranoid I have verified and he has not been doing anything wrong.

Partly I think I don't move one because if I do, I have to accept the reality that this relationship happened. Even if it wasn't a PA and it got stopped just days into it's bloom as an EA, it is still as if it was a long term deceit. However, once he was in a position in which he was aware he crossed lines, he didn't stop or tell me but when I asked he did confess and did not try to gaslight me. He ceased engaging with her. He doesn't go out with those people from work (or without me ever).

I fear that my inability move on is going to destroy us. Anyone familiar with this syndrome?

Also, thanks to everyone who posts here. The answers to my posts and reading the other posts have helped me enormously.


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