# Separation/Divorce Want Neither HURT!!



## harts22 (Oct 23, 2015)

I am 24 my wife and I have had a wonderful relationshp. I knew her since she was 16, and started a while after. We had a rocky start when we started dating her family did not like me at all. We had to sneak it was so funny thinking about it now how much crazy moments we had. I joined the military and we got married before I went to basic training. I was already dating her for like 3 years before we got married so we were pretty happy. So after basic and A.I.T. me and her moved to Ft. Carson Colorado. It was a beautiful place. The army had me very stressed so I made a lot of mistakes with women and the way I treated her. We fought and argued but we eventually got back into the swings of things and became happy again. We were especially happy when got the news that we were exepting. The only bad news is the army made it hard for me to even spend time or to even be around my family. I always had a hard time dealing with my anger my stress. I took it out on my wife the wrong way not physical just mental.
We agued and forgave each other and loved each other even more as the days got closer to the arrival of our baby Simon Noah. Fast fowarding to me out of the army moved back to Texas with my son and wife. I became so num from the army b.s. that I couldnt even feel the way I used to. I mean I still loved her and my son, but I was so cold hearted of a person that I (although happy with my wife and son) acted otherwise at times. I would go through these spells and hurt her and than be the best man ever. Well recently I had messed up again and I knew it was wrong (and no it was not sex) I even prayed on it and said I wanted to do and feel better and I did I really did. We began to laugh and play like we used too. She figured out about the situation and although I wasnt trying to hide it ( just trying to put it in my past and forget about it and move on) I never told her and she flipped out. I never thought there would be a time where she actually said no and that she was not going to be with me. I feel like total **** its like the feeling about that one time when you really were trying to make things better but your past finally catches up to you.
I havent felt so stupid in all my life. I know a lot of people will say you brought this upon yourself and etcetera. I know I did but damn I just cant see myself without her. I know I am young but anyone and everyone knows that certain people that you've been through so much with (not all mentioned on this message) but I can never go through those moments again at all. I can never feel those feeling of love that captured me when I first saw her at that new years night when I was sneaking around with her. She was my heart and now I feel like I can never breathe again because she wants to leave. I feel very very sorry for all the bad things I did, but how can I live without the person who supported me the person who was there for me when my own family wasnt someone who was at the hospital with me when i was sick. I just can not live without her I Love Her and I can not allow her to leave. I am fighting to have my family back for my son to grow up with a family. I am so confused on to what to do I want neither Separation/Divorce but I dont know how to start trying to get her back yet.
Any Suggestions Or Comments Are Granted: Please Just Good Ones Or Any Prayers Would Be Nice!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

When you treat people like s*** they can only take so much and I guess your BW has had it and it is her choice to move on, there is nothing you can do about it. You did bring this on yourself through your cheating and fooling around with OW.

The only thing you can do it try to become a better man by getting yourself on the straight and narrow. You may need IC for this. You sound incredibly selfish, you never stopped to think about the damage to her. However, now all you can think about is yourself and how you cannot breathe without her blah blah blah, grow up ffs !!! and be a bl**** adult man.

It may or may not bring back your BW but at least you can be a better father. A man who treats the mother of his child badly teaches the child all the wrong things and disrespects the child. Maybe you can change this particular aspect but I guess your BW is done.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

it sounds as if you have some issues dealing with your anger and emotions. you seem to see that but can't seem to control it. you need professional counseling. she may never come back but she certainly won't if she doesn't see that you are truly working to change yourself. saying you're sorry isn't enough. that has happened one too many times. and quit blaming the army. the army may have exacerbated your problems but these are Your issues to resolve.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

Hey Harts,



> I just can not live without her I Love Her and I can not allow her to leave. I am fighting to have my family back for my son to grow up with a family. I am so confused on to what to do I want neither Separation/Divorce but I dont know how to start trying to get her back yet.


First, you need to seek help with your own personal therapist. Trust me. I am in a somewhat similar situation. These situations don't happen overnight, they happen in steps over time. So take a step back, breathe and realize you have a marathon ahead of you not a sprint. You need your health and energy if you're going to have a chance of getting what you want.

As far as allowing her to leave, you can't think of it like that, brother. I hate to say it, but you are a large reason she wants to leave, so all of your efforts to stop her will be seen as you being controlling or reinforcing the negative attitude and emotions she has about you. Be COMPLETELY honest with your therapist about everything you have experienced and think. This person is not your friend, they are there to help and need the complete truth.

I can completely understand how you feel about not wanting to lose the past and all of the romance and feelings you've had. I started dating my wife when she was 15 and I was 17. We've been married 10 years and separated for 1 year. Believe me when I say I know how you feel.

But think of this time not as a way to preserve the past or reclaim something you are losing. Instead use all of your strength and energy to focus on improving yourself mentally, psychically and emotionally. You're not going to want to, but you HAVE to if there's going to be any hope. Your wife sees staying with you as a negative thing, it's being stuck in the same hurtful, hopeless situation. Would YOU want to feel stuck and hurt and hopeless, especially when the person that hurt you is begging you to stay there?

Switch your thinking from convincing her to understanding her. Switch your tactics from pleading, begging and arguing your point to finding agreement with her. When you understand how she feels it will be easier to communicate with her based on her needs and desires.

Example: 

Your wife says: "You betrayed my trust and you messed around with that other woman. I can't trust you and I don't want our son with a father like that."

You say: "I know I did but you can trust me now. It was a mistake. I didn't have sex and I can be a great father for our son."

You're discrediting how your wife feels, you're ignoring her feelings and you're placing ALL of the emphasis on what you want. All of these are the EXACT OPPOSITE of the alarm sirens going off in her head. She'll likely become very guarded, see you as still selfish and still caring only about what you want. Instead:

You say: "You're right. I betrayed you and I can understand how I've damaged your trust in me. Our son does deserve to have a great father that leads by example. If you feel you need to leave I want you to know that I love you and I understand. There are a lot of things I need to improve about myself to be the man we both want and need me to be."

You're agreeing with her, establishing that you are listening to her and showing that you actually care about what she is currently feeling. BUT you aren't saying you are a crap father, you're not saying you had sex with another woman and you're not saying you're ok with her leaving. Get it?


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