# facebook affair with first love after 40 years marrage



## bigjohn

Not sure where to start .I am confused and in need of advise and help from someone not involved with my problem .Through Facebook my wife of 40 years has been contacted by her first love .They were each others first love at school she was 15 he was 17 .They had a very full love as he was living by his brother and had the house alone till his brother and wife came home from work .They went to his house every day after school to be alone .This lasted for a year til my wife's dad made them separate and he was sent back to live with his parents 2000 km away For 2 years he would come and visit her every holiday and secretly carry on where they left of . He eventually married some one else and I married my wife .I and my wife's problem started right from the beginning when we first made love. it was no different to how it feels now 40 years later .When I asked her if she had sex with her x she denied it was very upset and said she was a virgin till now. This problem was never solved and I always believed she was still in love with her first love and lover ,Till nearly 2 years ago I saw a message from him on her Facebook I confronted her and she said it was nothing they are just old friend chatting about old days and if I unhappy with it she will tell him to stop .which they did .They stopped on Facebook but started an email account .Every month or so she will tell me she just received a email from him with a update of how he is nothing serious and as she is telling me ,I should be ok with it .There talking obviously escalated until a few months ago, his then partner send me a email with there email addresses and passwords .She was dying of cancer and wanted to help me.She passed away 5 months ago .Neither my wife or her x knows that I can see every email they send to each other .It is hell of hurtful to read that the love of your live of 40 years is telling another man ,If she thinks of love she thinks of him ,she have always loved him dream of him .Discuss in details what they all did when they were alone in his room as youngsters and yes he was her first lover .In here defence ,she was a perfect wife and mother and has said to her lover they can never meet not while I am alive as she will never leave me and hurt our children ( we now live in deferent countries separated by 24 hours of flight ) I have asked my wife how many times to please end it completely with him but according to her it is not a affair as they have not met .I Love her no matter what ,I even suggested her going over to him spend a week or two screw her head of get over him and come back but she said no ,not while I am still alive .How do I carry on she does not know I see all there emails it is driving me nutts PLEASE help I do not know what to do


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## eric1

You tell her that you consider it an affair and that if she doesn't stop it then you will be forced to protect yourself.

Immediate No Contact - none of this 'closure' crap


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## SunCMars

Wow, forty years. This wife learned nothing in that time. What a slap in the face.

I would get a women to call me every day when the wife is home. If the wife answers the phone, your pretend lady friend would hang up.

When she asks you who this person is, tell her it is an old friend who lost her husband. Nothing serious going on....not to worry.

Tell her that this women needs a man to comfort her. When she asks how long you have known this women tell her about twenty years or so. 

Let her taste some of the bile you have been trying to keep down your throat.

When this game gets stale, file for divorce and tell her it was fake news.


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## Emerging Buddhist

40 years is a long time to be lost in a childhood love...

If her heart is someplace else, she is secretly (or it seems not so secretly) bound to another... what could you lose or gain by sharing what you know?


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## bigjohn

Emerging Buddhist said:


> 40 years is a long time to be lost in a childhood love...
> 
> If her heart is someplace else, she is secretly (or it seems not so secretly) bound to another... what could you lose or gain by sharing what you know?


Emerging Buddhist I'm not sure what she will do if she finds out I knew all along defiantly blow a fuse may even say its all over cant risk it 40 years is a long time and she is still my only love .At times I feel maybe I should shut up and just share her they are never going to meet but then again she tells him how much she loves him and it tears my heart apart


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## aine

bigjohn said:


> Not sure where to start .I am confused and in need of advise and help from someone not involved with my problem .Through Facebook my wife of 40 years has been contacted by her first love .They were each others first love at school she was 15 he was 17 .They had a very full love as he was living by his brother and had the house alone till his brother and wife came home from work .They went to his house every day after school to be alone .This lasted for a year til my wife's dad made them separate and he was sent back to live with his parents 2000 km away For 2 years he would come and visit her every holiday and secretly carry on where they left of . He eventually married some one else and I married my wife .I and my wife's problem started right from the beginning when we first made love. it was no different to how it feels now 40 years later .When I asked her if she had sex with her x she denied it was very upset and said she was a virgin till now. This problem was never solved and I always believed she was still in love with her first love and lover ,Till nearly 2 years ago I saw a message from him on her Facebook I confronted her and she said it was nothing they are just old friend chatting about old days and if I unhappy with it she will tell him to stop .which they did .They stopped on Facebook but started an email account .Every month or so she will tell me she just received a email from him with a update of how he is nothing serious and as she is telling me ,I should be ok with it .There talking obviously escalated until a few months ago, his then partner send me a email with there email addresses and passwords .She was dying of cancer and wanted to help me.She passed away 5 months ago .Neither my wife or her x knows that I can see every email they send to each other .It is hell of hurtful to read that the love of your live of 40 years is telling another man ,If she thinks of love she thinks of him ,she have always loved him dream of him .Discuss in details what they all did when they were alone in his room as youngsters and yes he was her first lover .In here defence ,she was a perfect wife and mother and has said to her lover they can never meet not while I am alive as she will never leave me and hurt our children ( we now live in deferent countries separated by 24 hours of flight ) I have asked my wife how many times to please end it completely with him but according to her it is not a affair as they have not met .I Love her no matter what ,I even suggested her going over to him spend a week or two screw her head of get over him and come back but she said no ,not while I am still alive .How do I carry on she does not know I see all there emails it is driving me nutts PLEASE help I do not know what to do


It is an emotional affair, ask your wife to look that up. There is a book NOt Just Friends, you should read.

You need to give your wife a reality check. Read all about EA and tell her as far as you are concerned this is adultery and you are going to take action is she does not stop.

1. tell your kids , other family what is happening, tell her you have all the evidence from his dead wife. She will be angry but she is in fog of unblemished puppy love etc. She has to be shocked out of it.
2. tell her to write a no contact letter
3. go and see an attorney to see the options
4. do the 180 on her immediately, start going out more, start playing sports, do not tell her where or what you are doing
5. get papers drawn up and tell her this is what will happen


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## aine

bigjohn said:


> Emerging Buddhist I'm not sure what she will do if she finds out I knew all along defiantly blow a fuse may even say its all over cant risk it 40 years is a long time and she is still my only love .At times I feel maybe I should shut up and just share her they are never going to meet but then again she tells him how much she loves him and it tears my heart apart


Please do not go down this route, it makes you look weak, women do not like weak men..


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## Satya

bigjohn said:


> Emerging Buddhist I'm not sure what she will do if she finds out I knew all along defiantly blow a fuse may even say its all over cant risk it 40 years is a long time and she is still my only love .At times I feel maybe I should shut up and just share her they are never going to meet but then again she tells him how much she loves him and it tears my heart apart


Why are you so afraid of her? 

Where is your self respect? She doesn't love you. No person with love in their heart does this to their spouse. 

Better you end it after 40 years then 41...or 60. You'll be doing her a favor - she can go be with her love and you can go find a better woman.


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## Blondilocks

Ask her how she feels about the wife dying with the knowledge that her husband was cheating on her with some old girlfriend. If she says "oh, she didn't know", just say "yes, she did" and walk away. Your perfect wife and mother is neither. 

Don't you feel a little squicked out knowing that the moment the dirt hits your coffin your wife will be in his bed? How noble of her to wait.


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## chillymorn69

Copy and save all those emails. Put them in an envelope and have it mailed to your kids when you die. Send her a copy also telling her all the kids got their own copy.

Does she read romance novels? 


If it were me i would let everyone know what a skank she is. SHes wasting time and energy and love that she shold be giving to you and you family. 


MAYBE YOU NEED A PEN PALE JUST LIKE HERS EXCEPT CLOSER ONE YOU CAN ACTUALLY HOOK UP WITH.

Sorry for your loss.


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## arbitrator

*Forty years of trickle-truthing and deception is quite enough!

If marriage counseling does not remotely work, then you need to get with a lawyer and be advised of your legal and property rights!

You deserve far, far better out of life!*


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## SunCMars

Blondilocks said:


> Ask her how she feels about the wife dying with the knowledge that her husband was cheating on her with some old girlfriend. If she says "oh, she didn't know", just say "yes, she did" and walk away. Your perfect wife and mother is neither.
> 
> Don't you feel a little sqeeked out knowing that the moment the dirt hits your coffin your wife will be in his bed? How noble of her to wait.


That same dirt has been hitting him in the face for forty years.

Forty years has seen this OP wandering in a loveless desert [in reality]. POSOM's dirt drifted on high from hundreds of kilometers away to land on his skin, in his nose, his eyes, ears and his mouth.

Such a pungent taste, this fertile loam bears.

OM had buried him long ago. OM's penis never left his wife's private.............warm, dark, moist place.

He shares OM's squeeky mattress memories........ along with his wife. 

Such a painful end to one's dreams. Agh! Ugh, thrice.

Just Sayin'


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## SunCMars

Emerging Buddhist said:


> 40 years is a long time to be lost in a childhood love...
> 
> If her heart is someplace else, she is secretly (or it seems not so secretly) bound to another... what could you lose or gain by sharing what you know?


He has lost many things already:

His love of a lifetime...
His heart is crushed and broken...
His self respect...
His mind...soon to follow...

I hope he loses this...
------> All love and respect for this open sore of a wife.

He need not share that he knows...
To do so would further weaken his position, lose his standing in her eyes. She would look at him and think: you know this and you still hang in there?

Oh, once she is aware of his "full knowledge" she will be embarrassed and very, very uneasy. She will feel a mere "tinge" of guilt for the pain she is causing.
But not remorse. She cannot spell the word. It cannot ever roll off her lip in utterance. OM's got her mind and mouth full of memories. No room for remorse....in there.

Sharing old memories with an Ex is one thing....bad. Sharing old memories of old romps, bed poundings, sexual gymnastics, the oohs and ahs of long ago...too painful for a sapient man or women to visit in your latter years, nay, in any time frame.

Just Sayin'


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## Emerging Buddhist

bigjohn said:


> Emerging Buddhist I'm not sure what she will do if she finds out I knew all along defiantly blow a fuse may even say its all over cant risk it 40 years is a long time and she is still my only love .At times I feel maybe I should shut up and just share her they are never going to meet but then again she tells him how much she loves him and it tears my heart apart



We cannot change what we refuse to accept, the hard part is trusting we will be ok at the end of it when the suffering is removed so we tend to delay... but look at how that anxiousness right now is only replacing like for like in your hurt. 

The words you have read hurt because you recognize you married a woman with two lives... the one she had with you, which to a level has been honorable until Facebook communications, and the one you have recently in your relationship when you found out she what wished with him after same communications began. What you are looking for without seeing is the love you have for yourself, you can't give it all to her to be without it yourself and remain spiritually well.

So it appears she is in love of the idea of him from the past and they talk about the past without living the road to the present... nothing hard to experience getting to the present yet she so quickly forgets the lessons learned with you... infatuation does that, the fog it's called, and it blocks clear vision just as easily in an emotional affair as it does a physical one.

Respect is a funny thing... a marriage without action to follow the words or type on the certificate is a misaligned value. To honor the gist of it without honoring the truth in it is misplaced dedication, what peace does that bring?

Yes, it will possibly create unmindful conflict for her to be embarrassed, probably strongly, that she has been deceitful and it is now known... not being truthful does that, but that is her's to own in the end. No one can tell you openness is worth it, but it is clear without the knowledge of recent events in her lap that she will not be offered to opportunity to change a bad choice into a good one, or allow a bad choice to become even more embedded It's never to late for positive change, all positive change begins with a simple decision to do something, or stop doing something. Her knowing that you know does give her that path.

It is not loving and kind to live a mirage for ourselves... but it is even less kind to bring another into it. Perhaps clearing the false vision is better... but only you can decide if that oasis of disclosure is best or keep wandering the desert.

Trust the process...


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## Dannip

Shut down the affair now. 

If you want the marriage, that is. 

Maybe he's looking for a new replacement girlfriend. Your W hits the spot. 

Gather all your evidence. Make copies. Copy all the emails. Print them out. Copy to a USB drive. Ensure you have a set hidden. 

Expose her to her family and friends. 

To stop this affair, you need strong forceful action. It will break her bond with him and wake her up. 

Demand No Contact. No goodbye my love notes. Full on no contact. He needs to disappear right now. Send his friend/family a copy of the emails. They can help you on the other side. Call them too if you can. 

Or - just have her served with divorce papers. Your choice. You control how you deal with her. 

Plan of action then do it. Think first. Man up. Make her own her behaviour.


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## Married but Happy

I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing. Sadly, I think this scenario is more common than we think. Some people never really move on from their first love, but often have to settle for someone else because circumstance forces them to do so. Most love the person they marry even so, while still keeping a secret, nostalgic love for that first lover. But even after 40 years? Hard to fathom. (I met my first love last year, after 40 years of no contact. There was a little nostalgia, but I've been long married to the true love of my life, so there was no temptation, and no subsequent contact. She did look good, though - and if we were both single ... who knows?) Since they've gotten back in contact, it's become an emotional affair. The only good thing here is that she has asserted one boundary - that they cannot meet and turn this into a physical affair. It was a bad idea for you to suggest they meet, and she was wise enough to refuse that idea. It could only make things worse, and not solve anything unless you want to encourage her to leave you for him (he is widowed, so available).

Anyway, you do have to decide what to do about this. I suppose one choice is to do nothing, but I think that depends on how your marriage has been since they've been back in contact. If it has changed for the worse (aside from their contact and you learning of all this), then I think your choice should be easier.


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## Spicy

My friend, look at what YOU named this thread.

AFFAIR. Your wife is having an AFFAIR. She is cheating on you.

So, how do you choose to handle that your wife is in a long term AFFAIR?


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## Sly Fox

eric1 said:


> You tell her that you consider it an affair and that if she doesn't stop it then you will be forced to protect yourself.
> 
> Immediate No Contact - none of this 'closure' crap


I agree, tell her to immediately stop.


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## eric1

Exactly

Rule #1 of Infidelity is to get out of infidelity as fast as possible.

Her last email to her boyfriend was just sent. Let her know what is going on and that you steadfastly refuse to be a part of an open relationship.

No goodbye email, no phone call. Just go dark. If she breaks no contact because his feelings are more important than yours then you simply file for divorce.

You've lived too long and fought so hard to just give up. Stand up for what you've built yourself into over the past decades.


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## Taxman

Big John
Your handle presupposes a strong and independent man. You should be able to see that this fantasy is near impossible to become her reality, HOWEVER
make no mistake, this is an affair. This MUST STOP. That is going to be your first requirement. Explain carefully that if she wants this affair, she will lose everything else in her life as you will require that she leaves the home, and you will be filing a divorce action. Stand up to her fantasy. Make her compose an NC email and then remove her access to electronics. STAND UP TO HER AND HER FANTASY.


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## Openminded

It happens. I know of a "first-love" case of over 45 years. One of the parties was widowed and decided on a whim one day to contact that long ago first love just to say hello and catch up after such a long time. All very innocent, right? At least in the beginning that was the case -- not so much later. But the other party was in a very long marriage and was waiting for the "natural end" of the marriage to move on. The widowed party (wisely) said "no thanks" to that offer and ended contact.


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## Fozzy

After 40 years of being lied to, my anger would have no limits. I'd spend the rest of my days trying to invent a time machine just so I could go back and divorce her on day 1.


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## CaliRN13

Move out until she agrees to stop. It will be difficult but what she is doing is worse. It can affect your health! No contact until she agrees. I would let the family know what you are dealing with. You need support.
Best of luck


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## jb02157

Easy answer, either she stops ALL contact with this OM or you file. What she's doing IS an affair that is destroying your relationship. How would she respond if you were contacting another woman and planned to have sex with her if she wasn't around?


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## 3Xnocharm

Pretty sick situation. You sitting there doing nothing is WEAK. You suggesting she go screw him is WEAK!

Print those emails out and drop them on her lap then walk away. Tell her she has two weeks to get her crap together and get the hell out of your house.


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## 3Xnocharm

CaliRN13 said:


> Move out until she agrees to stop. It will be difficult but what she is doing is worse. It can affect your health! No contact until she agrees. I would let the family know what you are dealing with. You need support.
> Best of luck


Absolutely DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!


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## TAMAT

Big John,

It seems you were always the one your WW settled for, never her true love, it's really really sad for the spouse dealing with that. Along with the fact that your WW lied to you by omission for 40 years.

Please print out all the emails and present them to your children.

Also send them to the OMs children and grandchildren showing what he was doing while their grandmother was suffering and dying. What a horrible way to treat his wife.

Perhaps you need to get a polygraph for your WW maybe even DNA your kids.

I can relate to your story 20+ years ago my W had an affair before we were married and nothing was ever right after it, I thought I could get her to love me by loving her and being a good husband to her, but her lies of omission kept her trapped in that time emotionally. 

You also need to make it clear to OM that this is an attack on your family and you will respond will all due force.

Tamat


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## SunCMars

aine said:


> It is an emotional affair, ask your wife to look that up. There is a book NOt Just Friends, you should read.
> 
> You need to give your wife a reality check. Read all about EA and tell her as far as you are concerned this is adultery and you are going to take action is she does not stop.
> 
> 1. tell your kids , other family what is happening, tell her you have all the evidence from his dead wife. She will be angry but she is in fog of unblemished puppy love etc. She has to be shocked out of it.
> 2. tell her to write a no contact letter
> 3. go and see an attorney to see the options
> 4. do the 180 on her immediately, start going out more, start playing sports, do not tell her where or what you are doing
> 5. get papers drawn up and tell her this is what will happen


Oh, Aine......

Your #5 bullet is in the wrong *tense*. 

The tense should be: *This is going to happen.* When a spouse starts reminiscing about a former love affair, tells the EX that he/she is her true love, and always was, the *tense* has gotten banjo string taut.

The pretense, her charade is now reality. 

The veneer has fallen off OP's wife. Her hot flashes for this man generated Internal steam.

That steam loosened her veneer.

She is now bark-less, is naked to the world. You married a women who does not respect you, truly love you. Yet, I suspect her bark is less powerful then her bite.....small bites, nibbling free memorial nubs of past ecstasy.

POSOM wants inside her again. He knows he has a warm place in her mind. 

Right now he does have her mind, her fantasy AC Generator. 

He has her funny bone. The former bone that gave her so much pleasure. 

I note: these two did not marry, they were not sufficiently compatible. Theirs "likely" was a passionate and physical affair, only. An affair of the flesh. 

Her sexual furnace is now 'mostly' cold, She still has pleasant memories of when it burned feverishly hot. He stoked her furnace with woodies.

At her age, the heat is not likely powerful enough for her to actually stray. It is hot enough to verbally and in writing sing his praise, sing his sexual prowess.....sing their past relationship praise. He will continue to push. He will travel to your town, meet her for coffee. Believe me. She can still be had. Once he presents himself, in the flesh, before her eyes, she can be had.

Her own words and sentiment have doomed her.

She is no longer a *keeper.*....*do not keep her.* Divorce, no second chances.

The lady is too old for this nonsense.

Consequence is the only effacacious salve for a wounded pride.

It took 40 years for her Acne Vulgaris to come to a head. It is now at the surface; for all to witness.


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## SunCMars

Fozzy said:


> After 40 years of being lied to, my anger would have no limits. I'd spend the rest of my days trying to invent a time machine just so I could go back and divorce her on day 1.


I will lend you mine, Mr. Fozzy!


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## turnera

My brother's wife got contacted by the 'boy' she wasn't allowed to date in high school. That's all it took. Suddenly, my brother was evil incarnate and she'd been suffering for decades. She's now married to her 'first love.' 

You barely have a snowball's chance in hell to keep her. MAYBE if you tell her if she goes to him again you're divorcing. And if you force her to go to therapy long enough for her to understand that he represents 'what was good' in her life and is just an idealized version of happiness. 

But if you stand by and let her experiment, you have NO chance.


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## Marc878

You are living in fear which will get you walked on

Time to wake up now


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## CaliRN13

He cannot make her move. Staying will do nothing!


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## bigjohn

A Big thankyou to every one that has responded .all responses was valid .Why am I still in this marriage you ask .Firstly because I love her and love aside we have a good live together no fights ,swearing at each other or any nasties .Secondly and maybe as big a reason as I love her is our children 4 of them They adore us and as one of them said at there wedding they can only wish to have a marriage like there parents .That really HURT .I cant do it to our children, the example we have set for them over the last 40 years will be shattered Thanks Aine I will read the book


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## eric1

What do you mean YOU can't do that to them?

Your wife is cheating on them just as much as she is cheating on you. If anything you are doing your children a disservice by painting over what marriage (and standing up for yourself) is really like. Ask yourself what kind of adults you raised and if you have the trust in them to share even your hardest dilemmas. If you did your job it will be tough on them but they'll be up for the job, will respect you and will learn from the situation (becoming better people in the process)


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## 3Xnocharm

bigjohn said:


> A Big thankyou to every one that has responded .all responses was valid .Why am I still in this marriage you ask .Firstly because I love her and love aside we have a good live together no fights ,swearing at each other or any nasties .Secondly and maybe as big a reason as I love her is our children 4 of them They adore us and as one of them said at there wedding they can only wish to have a marriage like there parents .That really HURT .I cant do it to our children, the example we have set for them over the last 40 years will be shattered Thanks Aine I will read the book


So, you're just going to LIE to your kids for the rest of your life. GREAT example. Imagine the betrayal they will feel once the truth comes out and YOU didnt tell them. (because it WILL come out) They are adults, they deserve the truth and the opportunity to be supportive. They will absolutely lose respect for you when they discover you are living a lie. 

You have no fights because clearly you roll over when conflict arises. So now you're going to share your wife with another man. SMH.


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## 3Xnocharm

CaliRN13 said:


> He cannot make her move. Staying will do nothing!


You must be new....


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## Satya

There comes a point in every child's life (and differs with age) where they realize that the parent is not A GOD but is HUMAN.
In fact, I believe that this reality hits them several times in life, until their brain finishes developing, just at different stages and levels of intensity.

So what if your kids think you had the best wedding? You probably did. That doesn't mean that you have to tirelessly maintain the illusion of perfection NOW. That's very fake.

I learned when I was 25 (being the oldest of 3) that my mother spent many unhappy years with my father, and that he was fairly selfish and didn't treat her terribly well. He had his good points and his not so good points. I never knew just how unhappy she'd remained. I asked her why she stayed with him and she said that a.) she didn't want to rock mine and my siblings world and b.) she took marriage seriously and felt it was her duty to stay "for better or for worse." Well, I told her flat out that I'd rather she divorced him all those years ago than remained. Once my siblings were old enough they told her the same thing. I think she was surprised to hear all three of her children tell her wisdom she did not know to embrace herself at the time. I also think that she's relieved to know that NONE of us would even think to remain in an intolerable relationship, as she did. Isn't that what parents usually want...they want their children to NOT repeat the same mistakes they made? Well, there's no better way of teaching this than to be the EXEMPLAR and LET THEM SEE YOU DO IT RIGHT.


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## Dannip

Think. 

She's doing exactly what for her children with this affair?

Show your children you'll stand up for them. Not whimper and hide. 

I'd rather have happy parents than unhappy cheating parent(s). Stop it while you have a chance. Wake her up, stop enabling her. 

Do nothing, she will leave. Man up, she'll
Pay attention. The affair fog is thick with her. Step up and mate guard. Think, plan, do with extreme prejudice.


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## She'sStillGotIt

bigjohn said:


> A Big thankyou to every one that has responded .all responses was valid .Why am I still in this marriage you ask .Firstly because I love her and love aside we have a good live together no fights ,swearing at each other or any nasties .Secondly and maybe as big a reason as I love her is our children 4 of them They adore us and as one of them said at there wedding they can only wish to have a marriage like there parents .That really HURT .I cant do it to our children, the example we have set for them over the last 40 years will be shattered Thanks Aine I will read the book


Stop pretending that setting some lifelong example for your adult kids is the reason you're allowing yourself to be disrespected for the last 40 years and the reason you're cowering in fear. The truth is, you're too afraid to confront her because you're afraid it will change the status quo and/or end your marriage.

We completely get that. Anyone would feel the same way.

Realistically, 'demanding' that she cut contact with this guy is setting yourself up for more failure - as you've clearly witnessed from the *first *time you asked her to cut contact. She didn't. They just found a different way to continue their sneaky contact. You can demand _again _that they stop talking to each other but we all know they'll just find another way to do it until you discover it again. She has a 40 year history with this guy and that's never, ever going to change or be wished away by you. It's not right, don't get me wrong - but it's your *reality*.

So, your choices are to stand up for yourself and demand the respect and the devotion she promised you 40 years ago, or you find your spine and tell her you absolutely refuse to continue accepting her crumbs and you'll be seeing your lawyer.

But from everything I've read in your posts, I have the feeling you'll be opting for door #3 - cowering in fear and accepting her lifelong obsession with her first love.

And honestly, if you're ok with that, then it's no one's business but your own.


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## Emerging Buddhist

A @She'sStillGotIt reality check can lay it out so nicely at times...


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## SunCMars

turnera said:


> My brother's wife got contacted by the 'boy' she wasn't allowed to date in high school. That's all it took. Suddenly, my brother was evil incarnate and she'd been suffering for decades. She's now married to her 'first love.'
> 
> You barely have a snowball's chance in hell to keep her. MAYBE if you tell her if she goes to him again you're divorcing. And if you force her to go to therapy long enough for her to understand that he represents 'what was good' in her life and is just an idealized version of happiness.
> 
> *But if you stand by and let her experiment, you have NO chance.*


I love this analogy....Even though the Authoress does not love me! :crying:

Once a chemistry experiment is started, it is near impossible to stop it mid-reaction.

It must run it's course. Well, if you dump it out....it will in the end....run oozing down her leg. Yuk!

Older ladies can rock, do rock. She is capable. 

Those skinny arms can tear your heart out......they can. Beware, OP! :surprise:
..............................................................................................................

Latency:

Delayed love.
Delayed action..
Delayed thoughts...
Delayed lust....

From De-Laid, to being laid..... 40 years later.
Laid straight and true. Her soft form laid on her back, his form superimposed atop hers. Her arms at mid-back, pulling him close.......

This was the former reality, now a memory, then a new reality, then a former memory, then a new memory. 

She can be had. 

She is communicating with him on a regular basis. She is complicit in this. She knows it is wrong....has no remorse. Has weak boundaries.

Again, those last flimsy, silk negligee boundaries will be overcome by POSOM. She will not ask for his presence. Do the invite. But once he shows up, the silk negligee will fall away in an instant.
Her breasts and her lady parts will be his, yet again.:frown2:


----------



## Roselyn

What a tragedy your marriage is. You need to see a psychologist to help you through this. You must hurt a great deal. I can only imagine what you are going through. You must work on your self-esteem. Have you ever thought, that when you make love to her that she is thinking of you as the OM? Your children his and hers? You were Plan B all through these years. He could have easily looked her up after he came of age or she came of age and married her. Yet, he married someone else. You cannot compete with a dream. Your choice to stay in this marriage or not. A psychologist can help you with your mindset. Perhaps, you can get some peace of mind in your choice in life with your eyes wide open.


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## *Deidre*

Her actions would be all I'd look at now. I'm sorry this is happening to you, especially after so long of being together. I'm sure it feels like some or most of your marriage has been a lie, but I'd talk with her, tell her your feelings. He sounds like a jerk though, to be contacting a married woman and speaking with her in a way that would cause you to believe it's an affair at this point. 

You can't control others, only how you react to them, so hopefully, you stand up for yourself and don't allow her to walk on you. Forty years is a long time, but quality over quantity is what I'd be interested most in. You can spend a lifetime with someone, and not know who he/she really is.


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## Primrose

bigjohn said:


> They adore us and as one of them said at there wedding they can only wish to have a marriage like there parents .That really HURT .I cant do it to our children, the example we have set for them over the last 40 years will be shattered Thanks Aine I will read the book


You can't do what to your children? Be truthful with them? Your marriage is a lie and it's through no fault of your own. 

Would you tell your children to suck it up and deal with a lying, cheating spouse simply because their marriage is admirable to others?


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## Openminded

I was married longer than you have been when I divorced my cheating husband. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage but it was a lie and I knew it. Sure, I could have decided to wait until one of us died (betting I would be the one to survive -- and free) but I didn't because I couldn't live that lie any longer. 

Sounds like there will be three of you in your marriage, at least until one of you dies, but if you have come to terms with it then continue on.


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## Thor

Bigjohn, don't say a thing to your wife yet. Not one word or one action to show you are suspicious.

The first thing you need to do is consult with an attorney where you live. Most will give a free 15-30 minute consultation where you can get basic questions answered. You want to find out one very very important thing, which is whether infidelity is a factor in divorce where you live. You also need to know how things generally go in divorce for people in your kind of situation where you live. Presumably you are retired or very near retirement, which makes the split of assets as well as sharing of pensions etc very important.

Sorry you're here. You're in a terrible position.

Your wife is engaged in a lot of fantasy along with all the nostalgia. There may well be residual feelings for the ex-bf along with the fantasy and endorphin chemical highs she is experiencing. What this all means is you will never be able to Nice her back or use logic to get her back into the marriage you thought you had.

The 40 years of lies about being a virgin and the nature of her relationship with this man must be a shock to you. I found out at year 29 about a lot of things about my wife, and it took the ground out from under me. I didn't know which way was up or what was real. I suggest you get into some individual counseling for yourself so that you have someone you can talk to. You need to be careful not to talk to anyone you cannot trust 100%. A brother or sister you are close to and can trust might be ok, but I would not tell anyone else what is going on. Secrets tend to get out. Once you have confronted your wife or filed for divorce, you can talk more freely with a few close friends and relatives.


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## Thor

The hive is correct that you have to blow up the affair to end it. However, there are two outcomes to be aware of. One is that you are unlikely to get back the wife you thought you had. The other is she may not be willing or able to do much in the way of changing. I think you need to be realistic in what your options are. The other option is to just accept this emotional affair and ride out the marriage. I don't like that last option but it is an option.

Once you've talked to a lawyer and a therapist, you can put together a clear picture of the outcomes you can accept. Rank them from better to worse. Then put together your plan of action.

Your age is probably about +10 from my age. You can have a great future without your wife. While you prefer to have a great future with her, always remember you can have a great future without her. You will still have your children and your grandchildren. My experience has been very positive with them since the divorce.

If you were to die tonight, your wife would contact this ex-bf. Then your children would be aware of what has been going on. So eventually they are going to know. It is not your responsibility to protect your adult children from the consequences of your wife's actions. It is actually better they do know the truth, because they certainly do know you are unhappy and stressed out. Your kids see that.

Truth and honesty are the way to deal with your adult children.


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## Sly Fox

Fozzy said:


> After 40 years of being lied to, my anger would have no limits. I'd spend the rest of my days trying to invent a time machine just so I could go back and divorce her on day 1.


Why not go back a few days earlier and just cancel the wedding? That's what Biff would have done!


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## CaliRN13

3Xnocharm said:


> You must be new....


Yeah, not new to this topic. But think what you like. He cannot make her move, unless she isn't on the mortgage.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Thor said:


> The hive is correct that you have to blow up the affair to end it. However, there are two outcomes to be aware of. One is that *you are unlikely to get back the wife you thought you had.* The other is she may not be willing or able to do much in the way of changing. I think you need to be realistic in what your options are. The other option is to just accept this emotional affair and ride out the marriage. I don't like that last option but it is an option.
> 
> Once you've talked to a lawyer and a therapist, you can put together a clear picture of the outcomes you can accept. Rank them from better to worse. Then put together your plan of action.
> 
> Your age is probably about +10 from my age. You can have a great future without your wife. While you prefer to have a great future with her, always remember you can have a great future without her. You will still have your children and your grandchildren. My experience has been very positive with them since the divorce.
> 
> If you were to die tonight, your wife would contact this ex-bf. Then your children would be aware of what has been going on. So eventually they are going to know. It is not your responsibility to protect your adult children from the consequences of your wife's actions. It is actually better they do know the truth, because they certainly do know you are unhappy and stressed out. Your kids see that.
> 
> Truth and honesty are the way to deal with your adult children.


You can't get back what you never had. You've been living a lie for 40 years, and now that you know the truth you can never go back to your comfortable ignorance.


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## 3Xnocharm

Looks like we probably lost OP...


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## bigjohn

I have confronted her told her I saw a message on her I phone from him .She is in complete denial that it is a emotional affair said they are just old friends chatting .I asked her to stop it completely and remove all passwords of her email and Facebook account .I was then accused of not trusting her It is like she is in a fog and not fully understanding the hurt she is causing me . At Times she said it is payback for the hurt I caused her 30 years ago .I had a affair for 2 weeks it stopped and till today I am disgusted in myself for allowing it to happen .That is part of the reason I am patient with her hoping the fog will clear like mine.She already send him a email saying I saw there email and how unhappy I am she suggested they should email less and if I insist on her removing the passwords she will have to get a new email address


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## Chuck71

CaliRN13 said:


> Yeah, not new to this topic. But think what you like. He cannot make her move, unless she isn't on the mortgage.


Yet if she is M to him, the home is as much hers as his. If not, I would have thrown my XW out

months before she moved out.

Edit: Not thrown... too heavy. Hauled.... that seems possible.

TOO many BHs move out when the affair is discovered. One of, if not the worst, mistakes he makes.

How in the name of grandma's homemade biscuits can a guy move out, and STILL pay the mortgage

while the "willing sperm recipient" lives there rent free and often, moves the AP in?

But you see it here....... all the time.


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## Chuck71

bigjohn said:


> I have confronted her told her I saw a message on her I phone from him .She is in complete denial that it is a emotional affair said they are just old friends chatting .I asked her to stop it completely and remove all passwords of her email and Facebook account .*I was then accused of not trusting her* It is like she is in a fog and not fully understanding the hurt she is causing me . At Times she said it is payback for the hurt I caused her 30 years ago .I had a affair for 2 weeks it stopped and till today I am disgusted in myself for allowing it to happen .That is part of the reason I am patient with her hoping the fog will clear like mine.She already send him a email saying I saw there email and how unhappy I am she suggested they should email less and if I insist on her removing the passwords she will have to get a new email address


Classic cheater speak.... VERY common. Well since you (her) have continually sent him sweet

love and comments, how you say you want to be with him.... is NOT considered cheating, you might as well

say your '87 fling was just because you were horny. All that does is minimize what occurred. 

Your W forgave you for the affair, in 1987. If she has been upset and resentful for 30

damn years, that is on HER. When you forgive an affair, it does not merit the right to bring it

up as a "shame hammer." Main reason why many spouses never forgive an affair.

How long have you been reading their emails? How far back do the non-delete old emails go?

I agree you were correct in confronting her but now she knows, you know. They will continue this,

just with new emails. You're in a tough spot, you still love her but you don't want to come off as

being weak. It sounds strange to say this to you, being you're old enough to be my dad....

but you have to demand transparency. 

I am assuming you are not from the US. No clue on how foreign law is with D. If you are

already retired, how would your retirement / pension be inflicted? That is very important, I must

admit but... knowing my spouse felt this way, for 40 years, and lied about her sexual history....

(assuming her virginity was important to you), I would have to file for a D. Granted.... you

could remain living together, "act" as man and wife, but she loses the right to call you her H.

Oh..... scared to tell the kids...... why? You did nothing wrong. And........ I'm guessing your kids

never learned of your '87 affair. Why not tell them? Rugsweeping it does NOTHING but

delay the pain. My parents, are most likely around your age, both were WW2 babies.

Yes I thought my parents were the smartest people in the world growing up. Then I realized they

were far from it. I still loved them but.... I never saw them in the same light.

"Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." Oscar Wilde


----------



## aine

Big John, next step, expose her to your family, your kids, and friends. Time to go scorched earth.

Tell her to move out if that if she wants him over you. 
Go and see a lawyer and see what your options are, get papers drawn up, she needs to know this is serious

Then do the 180 and start living life and not including her. The 180 is for you but will make her curious as to what you are up to, go out with your friends, go on holiday, do not tell her anything.

She needs to know her actions are creating a problem and that she is about to lose you.


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## AVR1962

BigJohn, I married my highschool sweetheart and we were married for 7 years....our relationship was extremely intense and we were very close. He was very attentive, always topping to hug me as we passed by somewhere in the house, we worked together and were nearly inseparable. We would sit and talk for hours, we would be tangled up in each others arms just holding one another....there was such a deep connection between us. imagine by complete surprise to find out he was having an affair and was in love with another woman! It seriously killed part of me that I thought would never be able to feel again. He left a hole in my heart so deep and so wide.....it honestly took me over 20 years to fully forgive him and move on.

For me, I did move on but I wanted to be "safe" and without fully realizing it I chose a companion which whom was emotionally detached. We were more friends than anything....not near the intensity in our relationship.....I felt it from him and I have no doubt he felt that from me. Strangely enough we managed 27 years together and raised a family but I had longed, not for my ex, but the love and deep emotionally connection I had experienced with my first love. I would daydream and lie in bed at night dreaming of having that love again in my life. Things were not good in my second marriage, we simply ended up as roommates.

I left my marriage to start my own life almost a year ago...left the state, restarted my life, had no idea what was taking me where I went with the exception that I wanted to remain near my daughter. As the holidays approached in 2016, I realized I would like to start meeting fellows, if for no other reason than companionship/friendship, and I did.....with lots of disappointment. 6 months ago though I met a man with which I connected to with a very deep chemistry...their was something about him that intrigued me, I want to spend more time with him to get to know him and we'd spend hours on the phone, texting during the day trying to get to know one another. He was never inappropriate in any way. It took him 5 months to lead up to holding my hand. I knew my feelings but I was not sure what he was feeling and then one day he told me that there was an electricity between us and I realized he felt the same way too. Hugs and kisses for no reason that do not mean sex, nights are bodies touch all night long wrapped in each other's arms or cuddling. I never thought I could have the feelings that I have now, never thought I could love another man as much as I loved my first husband but I am experiencing it right now at 54 years of age.

I have no clue as to what is going thru your's wife's head and how she is feeling for her first love but if it is anything like I have described about my own situation, it is likely very intense what your wife is feeling right now. I think you have two choices here if this is the case......you can leave and let her find her way or you can stay but I think you will have to allow her this time and space to figure this out for herself. If this is as intense as what I am feeling and dealing with right now, you are not going to be able to stop anything and if you try it might just cause a alot of heard feelings. I am not even sure I would expect the truth of her feelings if you confronted her....and I guess my question here is if you really want to know. I cannot imagine the hurt you must be feeling at this point. Reading the emails they exchange is only going to stab away at your heart. I would suggest you stop reading them and decide what you want for YOU. I have a feeling she is "gone."


----------



## AVR1962

aine said:


> Big John, next step, expose her to your family, your kids, and friends. Time to go scorched earth.
> 
> Tell her to move out if that if she wants him over you.
> Go and see a lawyer and see what your options are, get papers drawn up, she needs to know this is serious
> 
> Then do the 180 and start living life and not including her. The 180 is for you but will make her curious as to what you are up to, go out with your friends, go on holiday, do not tell her anything.
> 
> She needs to know her actions are creating a problem and that she is about to lose you.


NO!!!!!!! This is not fair to expose to love ones. Reason for exposing such things is to belittle the person and nothing positive will result from this. Family and friends have a right to the relationship with both without the scorn. Exposing lacks maturity.


----------



## Married but Happy

Of course you don't trust her, and her next email to him proves that she'll go behind your back and set up a new email account if you insist on her removing passwords from the ones you know about.

I suggest that you file for divorce, and ask her to move out. She'll either leave, or be shocked out of her fog, I think.


----------



## Chuck71

AVR1962 said:


> NO!!!!!!! This is not fair to expose to love ones. Reason for exposing such things is to belittle the person and nothing positive will result from this. Family and friends have a right to the relationship with both without the scorn. Exposing lacks maturity.


Dislike


----------



## aine

AVR1962 said:


> NO!!!!!!! This is not fair to expose to love ones. Reason for exposing such things is to belittle the person and nothing positive will result from this. Family and friends have a right to the relationship with both without the scorn. Exposing lacks maturity.



Exposure shows her that he will not put up with her activity. He has already told her, already warned her and she has fobbed him off. He should not protect her, this is on her own head and she needs to come out of the fog. 
In fact a person in an affair is like an unruly teenager who will not listen, they need consequences to be loud and clear.

Not fair to expose? What on earth, so let the affair continue in the darkness as all affairs do and poor Big John just puts up with it?
She is not the victim here, and her family and friends ought to see who she really is. Exposing is not to belittle but to let the guilty party realize the full extent of the damage they are doing with their selfish behaviour. 
Not exposing lacks back bone and a willingness to accept the status quo. 
The family can make their own decisions with regard to continuing/not continuing the relationship with her. There is never any circumstances that call for deceit (that is what it is) in a family. A family must always have honesty and transparency. Condoning deceit and dishonesty is not the way to go either and protecting the A is definitely not a wise course of action which is what you are proposing.

I'm afraid AVR you are bringing in your own personal history to BJ's post, and assuming you and his wife are similar. Did you cheat on your XH?

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!


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## Emerging Buddhist

bigjohn said:


> I have confronted her told her I saw a message on her I phone from him .She is in complete denial that it is a emotional affair said they are just old friends chatting.


"Just friends" do not say the things you shared...




bigjohn said:


> I asked her to stop it completely and remove all passwords of her email and Facebook account .I was then accused of not trusting her It is like she is in a fog and not fully understanding the hurt she is causing me . At Times she said it is payback for the hurt I caused her 30 years ago. I had a affair for 2 weeks it stopped and till today I am disgusted in myself for allowing it to happen .That is part of the reason I am patient with her hoping the fog will clear like mine.She already send him a email saying I saw there email and how unhappy I am she suggested they should email less and if I insist on her removing the passwords she will have to get a new email address


Yes, your affair did not put this in a good place, the resentment seems to remain. Perhaps she did fall out of love with you then, did remain for many reasons, and now is looking to refill a gap that came from your poor choices because she never truly forgave.

If it comes down to ultimatums, be prepared to follow through.

I do not think this fog will end quickly without exposure... especially if she thinks she has the upper hand of secrecy.

The last email she sent tells you why trust is so evasive... I do hope you are saving copies of all email exchanges?

How does one see this ending with trust established again, at least in the near future if you actions are not decisive? 

How do you see this ending waiting it out?

Where will your trust fall in the end?

It is already on the verge of tipping...


----------



## eric1

Expose Expose
Expose

Expose

Expose

Expose expose expose

E-x-p-o-s-e


----------



## AVR1962

bigjohn said:


> I have confronted her told her I saw a message on her I phone from him .She is in complete denial that it is a emotional affair said they are just old friends chatting .I asked her to stop it completely and remove all passwords of her email and Facebook account .I was then accused of not trusting her It is like she is in a fog and not fully understanding the hurt she is causing me . At Times she said it is payback for the hurt I caused her 30 years ago .I had a affair for 2 weeks it stopped and till today I am disgusted in myself for allowing it to happen .That is part of the reason I am patient with her hoping the fog will clear like mine.She already send him a email saying I saw there email and how unhappy I am she suggested they should email less and if I insist on her removing the passwords she will have to get a new email address


Well, there you have it!!!! You had an affair that she could never forgive and after years of hard feelings she is fed up and has found someone that is interested in her. I don't see any coming back from this one, she has moved on. Exposing this, as mentioned in previous posts is only going to cause even more anguish and hard feelings between you both. This all is heading in a very negative direction. I think you are going to have to reclaim your life by walking away peacefully....save yourself your dignity.


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## AVR1962

eric1 said:


> Expose Expose
> Expose
> 
> Expose
> 
> Expose
> 
> Expose expose expose
> 
> E-x-p-o-s-e


Exposure will not bring her back, it will just cause tremendous hard feelings.....an emotional war of years of hurts....just not good!


----------



## eric1

AVR1962 said:


> Exposure will not bring her back, it will just cause tremendous hard feelings.....an emotional war of years of hurts....just not good!




Yeah, an abuse victim trying to end a cycle of abuse should definitely be thinking about the abuser's feelings

/shrug


----------



## Mostlycontent

bigjohn said:


> Emerging Buddhist I'm not sure what she will do if she finds out I knew all along defiantly blow a fuse may even say its all over cant risk it 40 years is a long time and she is still my only love .At times I feel maybe I should shut up and just share her they are never going to meet but then again she tells him how much she loves him and it tears my heart apart



bigjohn,

I can't speak for everyone but I know many would agree with me. I would rather live alone than with a woman who pined for someone else. I'm guessing that you're in your 60s and I suppose the prospect of being alone is scary but it sure beats living with someone whose heart belongs to another. You may be alone but you'll have your self respect.


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## turnera

I will just say that women your age outnumber the men. There would be a lot of very nice ladies out there, should you get back out on the market.


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## oneMOreguy

My best advice is at the next family dinner, clearly state the emotional pain of the omw as she died because of her actions, state your pain, and then provide a copy of the texts for all to see. Honesty and transparency. Her actions will show you if reconciliation is possible. Right now she is just hanging around until you die. If nothing else, change your will for your kids to inherit, not her and her lover

Sent from my SM-T230NU using Tapatalk


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## Thor

oneMOreguy said:


> If nothing else, change your will for your kids to inherit, not her and her lover


Excellent advice! Consult with a good atty to be sure it is done correctly. A trust may be a better vehicle than a simple will (but do get a "pour-over will" to be sure everything ends up in the trust).

Change life insurance, IRA, 401k, HSA etc beneficiaries to be the trust. You can easily put things like your car into the trust if it is only in your name.


----------



## Married but Happy

Thor said:


> Excellent advice! Consult with a good atty to be sure it is done correctly. A trust may be a better vehicle than a simple will (but do get a "pour-over will" to be sure everything ends up in the trust).
> 
> Change life insurance, IRA, 401k, HSA etc beneficiaries to be the trust. You can easily put things like your car into the trust if it is only in your name.


You'll need a lawyer, as she could easily contest this unless you're divorced. A spouse has priority, and to avoid that you'd have to get her to sign a legal waiver of some sort.


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## Satya

If you don't expose to family, it's more than likely she will go to them and character assassinate you. So, while it's none of their business and you shouldn't HAVE to resort to exposure, when a woman is in the fog, I believe it really is the surefire way to protect the truth.


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## harrybrown

See your attorney and file for D.


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## AVR1962

aine said:


> I'm afraid AVR you are bringing in your own personal history to BJ's post, and assuming you and his wife are similar. Did you cheat on your XH?


Aine, I think each of us bring our own experiences into the replies we give to others here.

I was married twice, both men were cheaters. I was faithful in both marriages. I exposed both men. My first husband then became vengeful and had to try to place blame on me. My second husband never took responsibility for his actions and his family excused his behavior. Not only did this create a rift between me and my exes but it created hard feelings between me and their families, and me and my children. So yes, I am speaking from experience in feeling that exposing will only cause more hurt. The matter needs to be handled between BigJohn and his wife.


----------



## Openminded

I don't believe in exposure if you're going to R because you run the risk that family and friends think you're stupid to stay and even if they don't they will be slow to forgive your spouse -- if they ever do. I do believe in exposure when you're divorcing because I think the truth needs to be out to counter the spin the cheater is putting out there. 

I didn't expose when I decided to R. I did expose years later when I decided to divorce. I have no regrets about either action.


----------



## drifting on

Married but Happy said:


> You'll need a lawyer, as she could easily contest this unless you're divorced. A spouse has priority, and to avoid that you'd have to get her to sign a legal waiver of some sort.





She can sign just to the right of the line on the divorce papers that were filed due to adultery and OM's name. Knowing it will be a public record she may just say to give the inheritance to the kids after you explain where you will post the emails they have been sharing over "friendship"!!!


----------



## straightshooter

What more advice can anyone give you. You have made your decision that you will not do anything but plead and beg her to stop her online affair with her other man. Why should she stop since you are making it clear no matter what she does or does not do you are going no where.

You are chasing your tail my friend and you will not catch it. And if she ever gets the chance to meet him you can bet your 401K she will do it.


----------



## Edmund

My opinion: First, whether she was a virgin or not does not matter; no woman is a virgin today by the time they get married. But, the fact that she lied about it is a problem. She probably thought you would not marry her if you knew she was not a virgin (is that true?).

What you need to do now: Separate your assets and finances and have divorce papers drawn. Tell her that she seems more concerned about "death us do part" portion of her wedding vows than the "forsake all others" portion. Tell her that you love her, but don't feel comfortable living with a woman who wishes you were dead so that she could be with her long-lost childhood love. She likely has opportunities to kill you and make it look like an accident or natural causes. Tell her you have no intention of dying soon just to accomodate her strange interpretation of marriage fidelity requirements. Tell her that if she will divorce amicably and fairly that she can be with this "old friend" immediately, while you are still alive, and she is still young enough to enjoy it. If she co-operates in the divorce process, then after it is final, thank her for 40 great years and as a parting gift give her a one-way airplane ticket to wherever the OM is living. Ask her not to come back or otherwise contact you except for an emergency affecting your family. Move on with your life, pursuing activities you enjoy.


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## sokillme

AVR1962 said:


> Exposure will not bring her back, it will just cause tremendous hard feelings.....an emotional war of years of hurts....just not good!


What about his hard feelings! Only someone very codependent would even care to be friends with exs who cheated on them anyway.


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## nekonamida

BigJohn, does it not matter to you that she doesn't love you as much as you love her? Does it not bother you that she thinks only of him when she thinks of love? It sounds like she's only with you because you are her meal ticket and she doesn't want the stigma of divorce looming over her. Where's your self esteem? You deserve better than this.

The biggest issue you have right now is that she has no intentions of stopping the EA. As soon as you caught her, her first email to him involved taking it further underground. This isn't going to stop until you demand it by saying you refuse to stay in a marriage where your wife has a long distance boyfriend and follow through with seeing a lawyer if she can't stay faithful. Sure, she may be saying she can't see him in person now but what about years from now? What about after the kids leave and she no longer feels like she owes it to them to stay? She will rationalize a way to see him eventually. 

That mythical fairy tale marriage you thought you had? Let. It. Go! Your wife is no longer the loving, faithful beacon of perfection that you thought she was. Perfect wives don't cheat on their husbands with old boyfriends. Perfect mothers don't cheat on their kids' father, devastate him, and risk ending the marriage for compliments and declarations of love like she is. From now on, there will be fights. There will be nasties and they will all center on this boyfriend of hers. They're already starting. As of now, you no longer have the marriage you thought you had AND you're no longer showing your kids what a healthy, loving marriage looks like. 

Also, you yourself will start experiencing extreme emotional turmoil as you continue on this cycle of finding more evidence of betrayal, fighting with her, and failing at getting her to end the EA to turn towards the marriage. You will lose sleep. You will lose your appetite. You will be on a daily rollercoaster of grief, paranoia, and brief periods of normalcy. There is no way that you will be able to be the father your kids deserve during this time even if your wife does end it with her boyfriend. On average, healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years even with a partner who is doing everything they can to repair the marriage. Staying in a marriage where your wife has a boyfriend, even if he's long distance, will turn you into a shell of the man you used to be. That's not helpful to your or your kids. Being separate but healthy will always trump being miserable, fighting, and being paranoid.

To get through this, even if your goal is reconciliation, you have to get tough. Since exposing to his wife is a moot point, expose to her family. Tell them about your wife's boyfriend. Tell them she says she loves him. Quote one of her emails and tell them she refuses to stop and just makes another email account when you catch her. Have her answer to them about how he's "just a friend". They won't buy it either. She needs to be held accountable and feel some real shame and consequences if she's ever going to drop him and start working to keep you in the marriage with her. You can't allow yourself to be an option while she is with him. Make it 100% clear that you will see a lawyer and consider divorce if she does not get rid of him. Stop asking and begging because it's getting you no where. Start laying out the consequences she will face if she doesn't give him up and start making yourself look like an attractive option if she really is intent on staying married to you.


----------



## bigjohn

I bought the book some of the readers suggested Not just Friends .She blew a fuse when she saw it saying she is not in a affair or being unfaithful ,She has told him it will go nowhere and they are only talking about every day life events I fail to under stand how she cannot see the danger and the wrong she is doing .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


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## Malaise

bigjohn said:


> I bought the book some of the readers suggested Not just Friends .*She blew a fuse when she saw it saying she is not in a affair or being unfaithful *,She has told him it will go nowhere and they are only talking about every day life events I fail to under stand how she cannot see the danger and the wrong she is doing .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


Imagine how she'll be when you file.

The upper hand is only good if you use it.


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## JohnA

"no, not while you are alive" says it all. 

Get ahold of your children's passports, and birth certificate. Without them she cannot take them out of the country. So t the very least uoi are covered on that point. She is gasLightimg you. gaslighting definition - Bing. And https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt_trip. You are already being TT, and when you confront she will blame shift it onto you. 

Finally yumrug swept your aduterly from years ago. Please share what happen and what was the resolution?


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## jlg07

bigjohn said:


> I bought the book some of the readers suggested Not just Friends .She blew a fuse when she saw it saying she is not in a affair or being unfaithful ,She has told him it will go nowhere and they are only talking about every day life events I fail to under stand how she cannot see the danger and the wrong she is doing .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


She thinks that if she doesn't have sex with him, it's not an affair -- it IS an EA (Emotional Affair) -- read up on that so that you can explain that to her. What she is doing is flat-out wrong. You should not have to accept her behavior. The fact that it hurts you should be enough for her to stop, but clearly she doesn't care enough about you or your marriage to do that. Should tell you a lot...


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## eric1

You'll continue having issues as long as you continue playing games. She is cheating on you. Cheating is abuse. Get out of abuse.

Tell her that you don't care if she disagrees it's not an affair, what's important is that you do. Period. Don't mention the emails, this isn't a court of law. You don't need proof.

Tell her simply that she needs to choose between him and you, and if she chooses you then no contact begins immediately. If she chooses him by refuses to end the affair then you need to state as simply as saying you're going fro groceries that you will be seeing a lawyer tomorrow.


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## hylton7

your are racist so i hope she leaves you.


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## Emerging Buddhist

hylton7 said:


> your are racist so i hope she leaves you.


You seem aware of something I haven't read in this thread with the OP's 7 posts?


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## Blondilocks

@bigjohn, do you have a plan for getting out of infidelity? She won't stop just because you want her to. She is either in denial or is totally cognizant of her actions and is gaslighting you. You know what you want to happen. How are you going to bring that about?


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## Emerging Buddhist

bigjohn said:


> I bought the book some of the readers suggested Not just Friends .She blew a fuse when she saw it saying she is not in a affair or being unfaithful ,She has told him it will go nowhere and they are only talking about every day life events I fail to under stand how she cannot see the danger and the wrong she is doing .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


There are a series of wrongs she is doing, but the one that stands out most for me and would have me wanting to end the suffering of my heart is simply being dishonest in the most direct (for you because you have read the email) of all respectful behavior.

She wants her romantic love for him, she holds a familiar love for you... while not mindful it becomes detrimental while she knowingly breaks your trust and damages the foundation of respect for you, especially as you know the truth and know where her behavior is not matching her words.

Such disappointments break marriages, and understandably so.

May I ask what upper hand you are hoping to maintain? 

Perhaps her knowing you have read all will free you both...


----------



## turnera

Why was he banned?


----------



## GTdad

turnera said:


> Why was he banned?


I think because Hylton may have had a point, regarding a racially-charged post in a thread that's now gone.


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## Chuck71

hylton7 said:


> your are racist so i hope she leaves you.


And you are on the wrong thread.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

turnera said:


> Why was he banned?





GTdad said:


> I think because Hylton may have had a point, regarding a racially-charged post in a thread that's now gone.


He has lost a post count... interesting.


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## EleGirl

He has a 2 week ban for the racist remark made on another thread.


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## Hope1964

EleGirl said:


> He has a 2 week ban for the racist remark made on another thread.


OK thanks for the info



bigjohn said:


> I Love her no matter what ,I even suggested her going over to him spend a week or two screw her head of get over him and come back but she said no ,not while I am still alive .How do I carry on she does not know I see all there emails it is driving me nutts PLEASE help I do not know what to do


I'd be scared of something happening to me in my sleep or something, what with all this 'not while you're alive' stuff she's saying.



bigjohn said:


> I have confronted her told her I saw a message on her I phone from him .She is in complete denial that it is a emotional affair said they are just old friends chatting .I asked her to stop it completely and remove all passwords of her email and Facebook account .I was then accused of not trusting her It is like she is in a fog and not fully understanding the hurt she is causing me . At Times she said it is payback for the hurt I caused her 30 years ago .I had a affair for 2 weeks it stopped and till today I am disgusted in myself for allowing it to happen .That is part of the reason I am patient with her hoping the fog will clear like mine.She already send him a email saying I saw there email and how unhappy I am she suggested they should email less and if I insist on her removing the passwords she will have to get a new email address


Wow, dude, you just blew it BIG BIG time. Why did you even bother 'confronting' her?? You accomplished NOTHING. And you will continue to accomplish nothing because you're too lovesick to ever give her any real consequences for her despicable actions, and she knows it.



bigjohn said:


> .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


OK now I'm confused. Your previous post sounds like she already knows you are reading her emails.

Hopefully we can get some answers when you're done your ban.


----------



## leon2100

this reminds me of reconnecting with an old high school sweetheart. We went to the same university, but in 6 months she found another guy... much to my pleasure. I was enjoying the college life. After all, how many times in my life am going to be surrounded by 20,000 single women who are within 4 years of my age. this was 1960-64. 

I had met her husband a once before they were married. He didn't leave an impression but I was told he really disliked me. If she wasn't a virgin when they met, it sure wasn't my fault. All I got from the two years of dating was several sever cases of blue balls!! 

she got married in 1962 Her husband was from a wealthy family and he wound up back in his hometown with her. they had 3 or 4 kids (don't know ... and it has nothing to do with this tale.) 

Well, I found her on facebook about 4 years ago. Time has not done that woman any favors. When my wife saw her picture she laughed and said "so that's was the old girlfriend" I sheepishly said yes!

we exchanged emails and even talked on Skype. One time while we were talking her husband walked it and she said "Oh, honey its Blank on Skype. Want to talk to him?. He was no happy camper and we exchanged pleasantries. that was the last time we connected on Skype.

I could tell from that time on, some of her emails were being screened and not getting to her. All we talked about was kids and grandkids so who ever (guess who?) was reading her emails, must have been bored. 

then one day she wrote that she had been diagnosed with the beginning stages of Alzheimer and probably would not be on facebook. Her husband had taken her car keys. She said she could remember things when she was in high school in the late 1950s, but recent memories were becoming more faded. well, she's still on facebook but no activity for two years. 

This thought pops in to my mine every time I see her page and remember what she told me about distant past and recent past memories: She's probably remembers me (late 1950s) but doesn't recognize her husband. I bet he's really pissed at me now!


----------



## Thor

leon2100 said:


> This thought pops in to my mine every time I see her page and remember what she told me about distant past and recent past memories: She's probably remembers me (late 1950s) but doesn't recognize her husband. I bet he's really pissed at me now!


That's sad she is suffering with Alzheimers. Rough on the family for sure.

My FIL had it and died from complications about 15 yrs ago. He would not know where he was and had some crazy explanations. He thought one time he was on a business trip to Mexico, but he was visiting us and had been retired for more than 10 years. He at least kept his happy demeanor throughout. A lot of patients become irritable and unhappy.

He had no idea how old he was. He regularly thought his daughter was his wife, as they both looked very similar. I would guess your high school girlfriend remembers her husband since they married a long time ago. But she may not recognize him or her adult children. She may not recognize you either at this point even though she would remember the high school days.

And, I'm glad to hear someone else dated a girl for 2 years in high school and remained a virgin. I thought I was the only one who could manage that feat.


----------



## Dannip

leon2100 said:


> this reminds me of reconnecting with an old high school sweetheart. We went to the same university, but in 6 months she found another guy... much to my pleasure. I was enjoying the college life. After all, how many times in my life am going to be surrounded by 20,000 single women who are within 4 years of my age. this was 1960-64.
> 
> I had met her husband a once before they were married. He didn't leave an impression but I was told he really disliked me. If she wasn't a virgin when they met, it sure wasn't my fault. All I got from the two years of dating was several sever cases of blue balls!!
> 
> she got married in 1962 Her husband was from a wealthy family and he wound up back in his hometown with her. they had 3 or 4 kids (don't know ... and it has nothing to do with this tale.)
> 
> Well, I found her on facebook about 4 years ago. Time has not done that woman any favors. When my wife saw her picture she laughed and said "so that's was the old girlfriend" I sheepishly said yes!
> 
> we exchanged emails and even talked on Skype. One time while we were talking her husband walked it and she said "Oh, honey its Blank on Skype. Want to talk to him?. He was no happy camper and we exchanged pleasantries. that was the last time we connected on Skype.
> 
> I could tell from that time on, some of her emails were being screened and not getting to her. All we talked about was kids and grandkids so who ever (guess who?) was reading her emails, must have been bored.
> 
> then one day she wrote that she had been diagnosed with the beginning stages of Alzheimer and probably would not be on facebook. Her husband had taken her car keys. She said she could remember things when she was in high school in the late 1950s, but recent memories were becoming more faded. well, she's still on facebook but no activity for two years.
> 
> This thought pops in to my mine every time I see her page and remember what she told me about distant past and recent past memories: She's probably remembers me (late 1950s) but doesn't recognize her husband. I bet he's really pissed at me now!


Have her get off Statin drugs. Alzheimers seems to be a doctor induced disease. Maybe she'll
Improve. Heavy metal detox too. From a Naturopath. Medical Doctors are clueless.


----------



## The Middleman

bigjohn said:


> I bought the book some of the readers suggested Not just Friends .She blew a fuse when she saw it saying she is not in a affair or being unfaithful ,She has told him it will go nowhere and they are only talking about every day life events I fail to under stand how she cannot see the danger and the wrong she is doing .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


When it happened to me several years ago with my wife, I sent the guy an email telling him to F-Off and then blocked his email address at the ISP. Then I waited for her to say something. There was fireworks fo a bit, but it ended.


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## Marc878

bigjohn said:


> I bought the book some of the readers suggested Not just Friends .She blew a fuse when she saw it saying she is not in a affair or being unfaithful ,She has told him it will go nowhere and they are only talking about every day life events I fail to under stand how she cannot see the danger and the wrong she is doing .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


What's not exposing this getting you? A backseat to her affair? Is that reall where you want to be?

You'll stay in limbo hell as long as you want to. Obviously your fear is defining you.

Better wake the hell up


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## bigjohn

Hi All I am back was suspended for responding to a post of a white woman having a sexual affair with a black man .Enough said or ill get suspended again .Just a update on my own situation we had a long discussion and she promised to stop her emails to first love and she did .It is a definite stop to living in the pass in a fantasy world .As she said it was a fantasy and living in a fog not fully realising the damage she was doing .It has been two weeks now and no emails from him except said goodbye and he agrees it has to end .at the moment only the 3 of us know about her emotional affair .Have told her this is the last warning next time I will tell every one .Must say it is great to have my wife back again Thanks for all the help from every one .I needed outside help to clear my head


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## aine

bigjohn said:


> I bought the book some of the readers suggested Not just Friends .She blew a fuse when she saw it saying she is not in a affair or being unfaithful ,She has told him it will go nowhere and they are only talking about every day life events I fail to under stand how she cannot see the danger and the wrong she is doing .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


Does she know that an emotional affair (no physical contact needed) is equally as damaging as a physical affair, if not more so?post, glad to hear you are making progress, but please be vigilant.


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## Taxman

Big John
Make sure that she is reminded that an emotional affair is just as devastating as a physical affair. Just because his penis did not go into her, it still did, within the confines of her mind and imagination. She was not faithful, and as a consequence, do not frighten her with outing her to everyone, let her know that the next time will bring a termination of the marriage. Be strong, be vigilant, and let her know that your trust must be rebuilt.


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## xMadame

Taxman said:


> Big John
> 
> Make sure that she is reminded that an emotional affair is just as devastating as a physical affair. Just because his penis did not go into her, it still did, within the confines of her mind and imagination. She was not faithful, and as a consequence, do not frighten her with outing her to everyone, let her know that the next time will bring a termination of the marriage. Be strong, be vigilant, and let her know that your trust must be rebuilt.




If this is the case then I have slept with George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Channing Tatum, Chris Pratt and about a couple hundred other drop dead sexy men. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars

AVR1962 said:


> Exposure will not bring her back, it will just cause tremendous hard feelings.....an emotional war of years of hurts....just not good!


What do you suggest, Dear?


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## SunCMars

xMadame said:


> If this is the case then I have slept with George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Channing Tatum, Chris Pratt and about a couple hundred other drop dead sexy men.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ah, was it good for you, these trysts?


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## Tortdog

xMadame said:


> If this is the case then I have slept with George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Channing Tatum, Chris Pratt and about a couple hundred other drop dead sexy men.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think that's a bit of a stretch. Fleeting thoughts of sexy people versus long and drawn out emails with a former love over a number of years. Quite different in my view. 

Sent from my Moto G (5S) Plus using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

xMadame said:


> If this is the case then I have slept with George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Channing Tatum, Chris Pratt and about a couple hundred other drop dead sexy men.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not even close to the same thing.


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## Chuck71

Kinda like saying old high school flames talking about their escapades 25 years ago, is just harmless

fun and it would never ever lead to anything else in the here and now.


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## Evinrude58

xMadame said:


> If this is the case then I have slept with George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Channing Tatum, Chris Pratt and about a couple hundred other drop dead sexy men.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Totally 100% wrong.
Not trying to be spiteful...

I just know from personal experience that he is right. 
If you had a real possibility that these fantasy men would screw your brains out, and your mind constantly thought about actually meeting them, it would be just as damaging to your marriage as if you were screwing him for real.

I recently figured out a way to explain (bi need now) that looking at another woman and thinking she's pretty and sexy isn't so bad of a thing and kinda natural....
If I had just had sex with a woman 6 or 8 times in 12 hours.... and had ZERO desire to have sex with anyone. Couldn't even get it up...
I'd still be able to look at a sexy, beautiful woman and think mmmmm I like that.... but if she actually came up to me and asked for sex, I'd have no interest....

This is different, in my opinion, to constantly longing to be with another woman than my wife, and there was a real possibility of it happening...


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## bigjohn

To all that replied to this post of mine .We are still together .She has stopped emailing him ,well nearly stopped .They still send email on special occasions so she says .I can no longer see her emails and she deletes all messages from him as soon as she had read them .All her actions is normal again just wish I could see her I phone messages to be hundred present sure


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## jlg07

@bigjohn, you KNOW this IS an affair, even if it's not physical. Sounds like you need to install a keylogger on your PC and try to get a hold of her phone (there are apps to recover deleted texts) so that you can see what is going on. This just isn't right that they communicate at all with what she's said on emails before. The fact that she now immediately deletes them without you seeing them tells you that things are in those emails that you would be upset about.


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## Thor

She cares more about him than you. She would rather hurt you by keeping the contact than hurt him by ending the contact.

Sorry but that's the truth. Btdt with my now-xw. Even after the first blow up over it she did it a second time. Same situation as yours, it was her first bf when she was 15. He was 19 and she lost her virginity to him. Anyhow, he still had a hook in her somehow even 30 years later, and she couldn't let go.

Your w won't stop contact with him, and she is hiding the messages from you so that you can't see what they're discussing. These are not the actions of someone who loves you, respects you, and wants you to be happy in the relationship. It doesn't even matter the content of the messages, it is her behavior which is telling you everything.

Looking back, I am sorry I ever put up with the crap over the years involving this guy, and will never ever let myself be disrespected by a partner like that again.


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## katies

bigjohn said:


> To all that replied to this post of mine .We are still together .She has stopped emailing him ,well nearly stopped .They still send email on special occasions so she says .I can no longer see her emails and she deletes all messages from him as soon as she had read them .All her actions is normal again just wish I could see her I phone messages to be hundred present sure


tell her phone or divorce, her choice. And then follow through. You don't deserve this bull s h i t.


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## Malaise

bigjohn said:


> To all that replied to this post of mine .We are still together .She has stopped emailing him ,well nearly stopped .They still send email on special occasions so she says .I can no longer see her emails and she deletes all messages from him as soon as she had read them .*All her actions is normal again* just wish I could see her I phone messages to be hundred present sure


You're trying so hard to convince yourself.

I don't think you know what normal is.


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## Roselyn

Big John: career woman here, 60 years old, & 38 years married (first time for both of us). I have known my husband as my college boyfriend since the freshman year in college. My social media, phone, emails, & regular mails are transparent & open to my husband. Your wife is not acting normal. Your relationship with your wife is one sided.

You have put her in a pedestal for 40 years! She is a cheater & is disrespecting you in the most horrible way. You need to see a psychologist. You have low self-esteem. You are taking crumbs from your cheating wife. You are in self-denial. You have always been Plan B as your wife is pining for her first love & put him above you. Wake up Man, & claim your dignity!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

bigjohn said:


> To all that replied to this post of mine .We are still together .She has stopped emailing him ,well nearly stopped .They still send email on special occasions so she says .I can no longer see her emails and she deletes all messages from him as soon as she had read them .All her actions is normal again just wish I could see her I phone messages to be hundred present sure



She is tired of hearing you complain and threaten her about her long distance affair partner. If it has not gone physical yet it will when she is ready to leave you. On her schedule of course, when she is ready. 

I personally can't count how many emotional affairs I know of in long term marriages that started exactly as hers has and ended in divorce with spouse standing by complaining while years go by and then they get served. 

See an attorney, get divorce papers ready. Then sit down with her, the papers, a packed suitcase for her and a bus ticket to go move in with him. Then state in no certain terms. All passwords now and no communication going forward or walk out that door and don't come back. Put your attorney on speaker phone during conversation with instructions to file asap depending on her answer. She walks let all immediate family an friends know right in front of her that after all these years with you she really pined for someone else and that you are now divorcing her for because she values her first lover over her present husband. 

What is it going to be? Do you want to continue to be a doormat or are you going to show your wife her level of disrespect to you is so intolerable you would rather be divorced than live like that?


----------



## Edmund

Maybe I already posted this, but, you said in your first post...

"In here defence ,she was a perfect wife and mother and has said to her lover they can never meet not *while I am alive *as she will never leave me and hurt our children ( we now live in deferent countries separated by 24 hours of flight ) I have asked my wife how many times to please end it completely with him but according to her it is not a affair as they have not met .I Love her no matter what ,I even suggested her going over to him spend a week or two screw her head of get over him and come back but she said no ,*not while I am still alive ."*

I think you are saying you and your wife are living in different countries (what kind of marriage is that?), so maybe you are safe, but, if I knew my wife wanted me *dead* so she could be with her true love, I would not be able to sleep at night. Think of all the ways she could arrange your demise and make it look like natural causes, medical causes or an accident. I think you should divorce her and get out of this jeopardy. I would tell her I am filing for a divorce so I can get back together with a long-lost high schoool girlfriend who I still love much more than I ever cared about her (even if that is not true).


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## Beach123

bigjohn said:


> To all that replied to this post of mine .We are still together .She has stopped emailing him ,well nearly stopped .They still send email on special occasions so she says .I can no longer see her emails and she deletes all messages from him as soon as she had read them .All her actions is normal again just wish I could see her I phone messages to be hundred present sure


Why is this even acceptable to you? You are being too weak in this marriage!

God damn man, file for divorce and ruin her! She's prioritized the OM feelings over your feelings! She states she would never hurt you yet she IS hurting you - tell her that now!

Move money into your name only and expose to all family that she's been doing this and won't stop knowing it hurts you deeply!

Get going! DO action to take charge of your future. Make her damn uncomfortable so that she may consider changing!!!! No on EVER changes when they are all comfortable!

You must change everything so she is really uncomfortable and scared she's losing everything over communicating with this fantasy man!

Get going now!


----------



## 3Xnocharm




----------



## Beach123

Your wife has made your marriage of 40 years a sham!

You should be pissed that she's wasted 40+ years lying to you!


If/since she prioritizes communicating with him over YOUR feelings - that shows that you don't rate as high as he does.

It sucks to live in a marriage of pretending. 

Let your wife go - she should go and set YOU free to find someone who puts you absolutely first!


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## bigjohn

Hi Edmund We live together he is in a different country


----------



## TAMAT

BigJohn,

About a year or so ago you wrote, *In here defence ,she was a perfect wife and mother and has said to her lover they can never meet not while I am alive as she will never leave me and hurt our children*

So for your entire marriage you have been a plan B, a man who was good enough to marry, you were a protector, provider, husband, companion, but not her true love. I very much see why this is so difficult on you.

My W had a man from before me who sent her letters every so often, supposedly never physical, I don't think she has gotten on for 10 or more years, but had the attachment been as strong as your case I would be on a plane.

I think you should tell your children about this affair.

Tamat


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## Bobby5000

Sorry buddy, this lurking and spying is unhealthy. Either let her go, have a talk, or adapt to it. Getting yourself stressed regularly but not telling anyone accomplishes little.


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## sokillme

AVR1962 said:


> NO!!!!!!! This is not fair to expose to love ones. Reason for exposing such things is to belittle the person and nothing positive will result from this. Family and friends have a right to the relationship with both without the scorn. Exposing lacks maturity.


Oh please, if they are just friends why does she care? If she complains that is what you should say. "I thought you were just friends?" It's not his job to protect her affair. Expose Expose Expose. Go talk to a lawyer put the papers on the table and tell here either she gets here head on straight or you are gone. That is really your only chance. Believe us we have read and some experienced this situation. Your wife is in la la land she needs a shock to get her to see what a ******* she is being. 

Your only chance is to get strong. 

By the way tell her you are now even and are both cheaters.


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## sokillme

bigjohn said:


> To all that replied to this post of mine .We are still together .She has stopped emailing him ,well nearly stopped .They still send email on special occasions so she says .I can no longer see her emails and she deletes all messages from him as soon as she had read them .All her actions is normal again just wish I could see her I phone messages to be hundred present sure


So you can't see how would you know. Not a good update I am afraid. Detach. Tell her you are preparing to detach because this was not the marriage you wanted. You need someone who respect you enough not to be emailing on special occasions.


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## Edmund

bigjohn said:


> Hi Edmund We live together he is in a different country



Oh ok sorry I misunderstood your previous post about that. But aren’t you afraid she will kill you?


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## BarbedFenceRider

I get that OP's 40 yr. Marriage has been conditioned as a somewhat stable companionship for both partners. Unluckily for him, with the advancing technology, email, IM's and other social media has dominated the social construct in relationships. The somewhat inherent boundaries that limited bonding between two old flames has been irrevocably removed. It is just TOO easy for other partners to "pine" as one put it, for others in a romantic light.

For me, the damage is that she says "while he is alive.." As we ALL know, there can be lots of different meanings to this. This should not be taken lightly. First off, OP could possibly shed some light to us as posters with how SHE views the marriage. What is her feeling and stance on OP? What is her definition of "love"? Why wait for death of one partner...If her heart is somewhere else?

The damage has been that OP and probably the expired OW (cancer?) probably understood this back then. You have tender moments with a roomate, not defining love with a life partner. And 40 years is heartbreaking. I truly feel sad at the situation. Also, for the children that were mentioned. What is there NOW conclusion on a healthy relationship? Is bonding even a real thing for them? Do they feel a sense of closeness with familial types when their own mother is mentally checked out?


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## jlg07

bigjohn said:


> I bought the book some of the readers suggested Not just Friends .She blew a fuse when she saw it saying she is not in a affair or being unfaithful ,She has told him it will go nowhere and they are only talking about every day life events I fail to under stand how she cannot see the danger and the wrong she is doing .I really do not want to tell her that I can read all her emails .Ill loose my upper hand if I do


You need to explain to her what an emotional affair is -- YES she is cheating and being unfaithful.....

Also, you said a year ago after she stopped (you realize she didn't, YES?) that you would tell everyone she cheated if she did it again. DID YOU?? You have given NO repercussions to her for doing this, so why do you think she would stop? She continues to disrepect you -- she said a year ago that she realized the damage it cased -- so what, now she thinks it didn't? NO, she doesn't CARE if it does. Seriously please wake up and respect yourself enough to stop this.


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## ABHale

bigjohn said:


> Not sure where to start .I am confused and in need of advise and help from someone not involved with my problem .Through Facebook my wife of 40 years has been contacted by her first love .They were each others first love at school she was 15 he was 17 .They had a very full love as he was living by his brother and had the house alone till his brother and wife came home from work .They went to his house every day after school to be alone .This lasted for a year til my wife's dad made them separate and he was sent back to live with his parents 2000 km away For 2 years he would come and visit her every holiday and secretly carry on where they left of . He eventually married some one else and I married my wife .I and my wife's problem started right from the beginning when we first made love. it was no different to how it feels now 40 years later .When I asked her if she had sex with her x she denied it was very upset and said she was a virgin till now. This problem was never solved and I always believed she was still in love with her first love and lover ,Till nearly 2 years ago I saw a message from him on her Facebook I confronted her and she said it was nothing they are just old friend chatting about old days and if I unhappy with it she will tell him to stop .which they did .They stopped on Facebook but started an email account .Every month or so she will tell me she just received a email from him with a update of how he is nothing serious and as she is telling me ,I should be ok with it .There talking obviously escalated until a few months ago, his then partner send me a email with there email addresses and passwords .She was dying of cancer and wanted to help me.She passed away 5 months ago .Neither my wife or her x knows that I can see every email they send to each other .It is hell of hurtful to read that the love of your live of 40 years is telling another man ,If she thinks of love she thinks of him ,she have always loved him dream of him .Discuss in details what they all did when they were alone in his room as youngsters and yes he was her first lover .In here defence ,she was a perfect wife and mother and has said to her lover they can never meet not while I am alive as she will never leave me and hurt our children ( we now live in deferent countries separated by 24 hours of flight ) I have asked my wife how many times to please end it completely with him but according to her it is not a affair as they have not met .I Love her no matter what ,I even suggested her going over to him spend a week or two screw her head of get over him and come back but she said no ,not while I am still alive .How do I carry on she does not know I see all there emails it is driving me nutts PLEASE help I do not know what to do


You are a fool. 

You divorce her lying cheating ass.


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## ABHale

bigjohn said:


> To all that replied to this post of mine .We are still together .She has stopped emailing him ,well nearly stopped .They still send email on special occasions so she says .I can no longer see her emails and she deletes all messages from him as soon as she had read them .All her actions is normal again just wish I could see her I phone messages to be hundred present sure


You have shown her how weak you are. 

Why would she stop when you sit back and take it like a wuss.


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## Openminded

In other words, she's still in contact with him so nothing has really changed since the last time you were here.


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## ABHale

At least Bigjohn knows she loves the OM and not him. She is staying with BJ because it’s the “right” thing to do. O well.


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## bigjohn

Hi Barbedfenceride She still believes it is not a affair she is having or had as she has told me all along of it ,well most of it the really hurtful bit she left out .I have no problem with her saying she will not meet him while I am alive .She will never do anything to harm me ,she does not even kill a spider .She is a kind and caring person have worked in age care care for dementia patience all her live .Except for this one lie she has been a near perfect wife that I love , call me a woosh or what ever .She plans and speaks as if we will always be together .my problem is that I cannot understand why she cannot just tell me the truth ,Id love her even more for it


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## Mr.Married

Some people are unable to be helped.


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## Openminded

She's not the first person to have the fantasy that she will outlive her spouse so she can be with someone else. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. You seem to be okay with the way things are so carry on.


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## Thor

Her blowing up over the book was an attempt at controlling the narrative, and thus controlling you.


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## SA2017

WOW, 40 YEARS?! 40 years of lies? you were dealing with a spouse for 40 years who didn't love you , well not really. she would go and finally screw this man if you were dead (already)!? 


what in the world...??! please, oh no, don't do this to yourself. you deserve a loving wife who loves YOU and ONLY YOU. go , and find her!


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## ABHale

You have never and will never give her a reason to be truthful to you. 

Does she love you, yes. 

She is in love with the OM. That is why she won’t break contact. 

Honestly it doesn’t matter if your wife says it’s not an affair because it is. 

Here is it in a nut shell, you are to weak to demand respect from you wife. Why, because you don’t respect yourself. 

We have just a perfect marriage. It doesn’t matter that she is in love with another man. The moment I’m dead, she will be rejoicing in his arms. 

You the luckiest guy there is. She’s not going to do anything, except continue the emotional affair, until your dead. You must be so happy.


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## BruceBanner

SA2017 said:


> WOW, 40 YEARS?! 40 years of lies? you were dealing with a spouse for 40 years who didn't love you , well not really. she would go and finally screw this man if you were dead (already)!?
> 
> 
> what in the world...??! please, oh no, don't do this to yourself. you deserve a loving wife who loves YOU and ONLY YOU. go , and find her!


I could actually see them deciding to do the deed over his very grave if he ever died before his wife.


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## Beach123

The fact that she won't stop communicating with him shows she is totally and willing to hurt your feelings in order to keep talking to him.

She doesn't care what you think - that says it all. She values him over you.

Your wife is in the drivers seat.

I suggest you change that for yourself. She's too big for her britches... 

Make a move that scares her. That's called a consequence for bad behavior...that's the only way to take some of YOUR power back in the marriage.

The less you change things - the more your wife will keep communicating with the OM more.

No healthy marriage should have three people involved - I'm sure your wife knows this - yet she chooses to disrespect you at every turn - knowing full well it hurts you. That's not love.


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## Marc878

bigjohn said:


> Hi Barbedfenceride She still believes it is not a affair she is having or had as she has told me all along of it ,well most of it the really hurtful bit she left out .I have no problem with her saying she will not meet him while I am alive .She will never do anything to harm me ,she does not even kill a spider .She is a kind and caring person have worked in age care care for dementia patience all her live .
> 
> Typical cheater speak. She knows what shes doing. This is hurting you as it would anyone. She just a typical cake eater and you are cutting her slice after slice
> 
> Except for this one lie she has been a near perfect wife that I love , call me a woosh or what ever .She plans and speaks as if we will always be together .my problem is that I cannot understand why she cannot just tell me the truth ,Id love her even more for it


She doesn't have to do anything different because you just roll over and take it. Living the life of a doormat is hard. Looks liked you've accepted your role in life.


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