# Dealing With Remorse and Self-Doubt



## esiotrot (Jan 17, 2021)

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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Forget about your ex and how he looks now, he has lost his emotional punch bag and can’t believe that you finally stood up to him.
You need to work on yourself and your self esteem issues. Try and find a therapist and if that’s not feasible at the moment there’s plenty of online help available. 
You need to take care of yourself because nobody else is going to.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

esiotrot said:


> I haven't posted here before, but today I really felt like I needed to share. I left my husband almost two years ago but the divorce was finalized only in the past six months. We weren't married for very long, only four years, but it still feels as though my life ended after the divorce.
> 
> Sometimes when I'm sorting through dishes, and I find something I received as a gift from his family or that we bought together while we were married, I think: "This is from when my life was good." And, it was good at first. While we were dating, our relationship was truly wonderful. But, it changed so much after we were married.
> 
> ...


All you can do is learn from the mistakes you made in your marriage and try not to carry them over into the next relationship. Usually, the destruction of a marriage is caused by two people. It’s interesting to me that you dismissed dismissed the financial issues, but not the sexual issues. Start there.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

He manipulated you to feel sorry for him. He was abusive. What you describe borders on rape - you didn't want to have sex and he forced you. The fact that you survived and got out means you are strong. You are not a failure. Don't let him control your feelings any longer. Those are for you. If you find old belongings from your marriage to be a trigger, have an old-fashioned bonfire in the backyard. And please find a counselor - an effective therapist can help walk you through this. Some of the things you describe sound like responses to trauma. A good therapist can help you start to see your past with clarity, heal and move on.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

When you say remorse and you talk about grieving things, and thinking of future events you might have had, are you grieving him, or having regrets about divorcing him? Or are you feeling more guilt for his life and what you feel your role was? (It’s ok to have many of these thoughts!) 

If you’re worried about him, that part is over now and he is on his own journey. He’ll learn from this (or not) do his own healing and maybe find happiness, or maybe fall into a heap and never get up. Maybe his second wife will be the love of his life, maybe he will start on a path of destruction... do you see where I’m going? You just don’t know, and much of this remorseful thinking about him will not ease any of those feelings for you. It’s simply done, and his life is his own now. 

But my biggest question is how is your life shaping out since the divorce and have you moved on. It can really help to put more of the focus on you and less on him and what was and what might be. I really feel for you, and I hope you can find some relief one day. Take care.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well done for being brave enough to end this awful abusive marriage. I am sorry you let him ring and that you listened to him spout his garbage, but I do hope that you no longer have any contact with him. You did the right thing.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

joannacroc said:


> He manipulated you to feel sorry for him. He was abusive. What you describe borders on rape - you didn't want to have sex and he forced you. The fact that you survived and got out means you are strong. You are not a failure. Don't let him control your feelings any longer. Those are for you. If you find old belongings from your marriage to be a trigger, have an old-fashioned bonfire in the backyard. And please find a counselor - an effective therapist can help walk you through this. Some of the things you describe sound like responses to trauma. A good therapist can help you start to see your past with clarity, heal and move on.


OMG, how did you possibly get all of this from her ONE post? Geez, just another “YOU GO GIRL”!! No self reflection, no contribution...I guess OP was just married to yet another narcissistic rapist that actually wanted some sex from his wife?? Lolol

OP, the “Joan’s” of the world will not help you be a better person for your next relationship. Her advice is a dime a dozen on Instagram. Just search “survivors” or “strong women” or “men are evil”. If you truly want self improvement, find you flaws, what you would have done differently and what you have learned from your marriage. Everyone can use some self improvement. By the way, you weren’t rapped by your husband...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> OMG, how did you possibly get all of this from her ONE post? Geez, just another “YOU GO GIRL”!! No self reflection, no contribution...I guess OP was just married to yet another narcissistic rapist that actually wanted some sex from his wife?? Lolol
> 
> OP, the “Joan’s” of the world will not help you be a better person for your next relationship. Her advice is a dime a dozen on Instagram. Just search “survivors” or “strong women” or “men are evil”. If you truly want self improvement, find you flaws, what you would have done differently and what you have learned from your marriage. Everyone can use some self improvement. By the way, you weren’t rapped by your husband...


It sounds like she is doing just that, she really has come to an understanding of her own role in the demise and and effect on his life, she’s feeling the hard feelings and let’s help her here, not shut her down. 

Everything she writes indicates she’s feeling remorse and guilt and trying to make sense of it all. She’s talked about his pain here too, not just hers. She’s talked about what went wrong for her, the things he asked of her, and now she’s questioning all of this. Let’s celebrate this, many people can’t even get this far, I don’t see a Joan or a strong woman I see pain and someone looking at both sides of her story.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I totally get it. OP seems to be on the right track of being self reflective. She doesn’t need to be derailed by the posts that she is a survivor of abuse. Marriage is tough and it takes two. Doesn’t seem like OP was putting in all the work on all the fronts. If ex husband was posting here, he’d be hearing the same.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> She doesn’t need to be derailed by the posts that she is a survivor of abuse.


Yes, she does. He was abusive. She's questioning herself because he has psychologically damaged her, not because she has any reason to actually feel guilty. 

The man "allowed" her to socialize. He forced her to have sex she did not want to have. That's literally rape. He belittled her accomplishments. She was crying on a sofa nightly, having panic attacks, and sinking into depression. The marriage was ****, she was abused, she got out, and now she's dealing with the aftermath. Which often includes feeling guilty and as if you've done something wrong even though they have not.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I see both your points, but victimhood doesn’t help survivors either. She has alluded to financial concerns on his side, sexual problems on his side and it appears there was counselling. Both had issues, both sought professional help and here she is now. At some point, both blamed eachother, it didn’t work out. To the OP, he also at some point will need to stop seeing himself as the victim and blaming you as well. It’s truly a heartbreaking situation and I’m sorry it ended this way.


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