# Emotional Abuse? Feeling Low



## Blue_Butterfly (Feb 12, 2015)

I'd like to hear other people's opinions about my husband's behaviour please. My head is really all over the place and I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I swing between feeling like everything is ok to wanting to get on the next plane home.

My husband and I have been married since April last year (2014). He is from the Caribbean whilst I am from the UK and we always planned to settle, at least initially, in the Caribbean. The country we live in is very male dominated with women playing, essentially, a 'traditional' role, although times are changing and many women have high powered jobs these days too.

I've recently had my eyes opened to the possibility that my husband may be emotionally abusing me. He can be very loving, sweet, kind and thoughtful, but on the flip side he also has a terrible anger and his behaviour is often a puzzle to me.

At this point in time, we are at a particularly low point, I feel. I don't know whether what I'm experiencing is actually abuse or whether it's the natural ups and downs of a relationship, I don't want to be labelling his behaviour as abusive and overreacting so please do tell me if I'm being silly at all.

Right now he swears at me on a daily basis and calls me names most days. Yesterday for example he called me a 'f'ing arse' within earshot of strangers. Today he has asked 'what the f are you calling me and asking me that for?' on the telephone (before hanging up on me for the second time in a row).

He drives like a mad man in the car, and gets very mad if I say anything or show that I'm afraid. I know he drives like this when he is alone also, so he's not just doing it to frighten me. I feel that he should drive more safely when I am with him however, and especially when he knows I am scared. If I show that I am scared, he will drive more recklessly, to the point where I can end up in tears. I will point out here that I cry very easily, I'm a bit of a softie I guess.

When we first met he had the habit of leaving the house without telling me that he was going, never mind where he was going. This seems to be an acceptable behaviour in this country, but it is not an acceptable behaviour for me. We went through a lot of grief to get to a point where he tells me when he is leaving the house, and previously he was quite good about telling me where he was going too. Right now he has reverted to occasionally disappearing without telling me, and is also very easy to anger when I ask where he is going. Not every time, but often enough. I am in no way trying to 'keep tabs' on him, I would just like an idea of where my husband is and a rough idea of when I might see him again. Is that unreasonable? I will let him know if I have plans, where I plan to be (i.e. in town, not exactly where!) and roughly how long for when I go out. I thought that was a normal thing to do? I don't enjoy sitting at home in the evenings wondering if he will be back to eat with me or if it will be another 3 hours until he returns. I've also woken up a handful of times in the early morning to find that he has left whilst I've been sleeping. He gets very mad with me when I try and explain that this makes me uncomfortable

He criticises me quite a bit. I only realised this recently. Whether it is my driving or my ability to do my job; he often tells me I should listen to him (alternatively he is shouting at me because I have *not* listened to him) and do things as he tells me to.

I have to do the majority of the house work. In the past this has been shared more equally but right now it seems to be mostly me. I don't mind this too much but he and his friends make no real effort to tidy up after themselves and I find that unfair. After he has cooked I'm generally left with the whole kitchen to tidy and all pots to wash. He very rarely even closes the cupboard doors that he's opened. If I mention this then he'll sometimes apologise and say he'll be more thoughtful next time. But I haven't seen any change. This might be just 'guys being guys' (whatever that means) but on top of everything else, it becomes another stressor.

He has a terrible anger. Nothing quite like I've ever experienced before. I come from a quiet family who never really shouted or screamed at one another. My friend has witnessed my husbands anger outbursts (rages?) and has said that her family was very much prone to this kind of thing, so I don't know if maybe I'm the abnormal one here! Typically he will be in a bad mood (but not always) and something will 'trip him off' (his words). It can be anything from me not doing as he says to him not having an equal number of coat hanger in his wardrobe as me (true story). He will scream at me and call me names. Motherc*** and Stinking F'ing C*** are some of his frequent ones. He tells me to F off back to England quite often during these rages. He will go out in the street and continue these episodes so that all our neighbours are aware of the situation. In the past he has smashed photo frames, glasses, a remote control, snapped a pencil in my face and even broken up a stool in front of the friend I mentioned earlier. Just this year he has actually laid his hands on me, in the form of grabbing my wrist, pushing me, and holding a cushion in my face so I couldn't speak. I must admit that I am trying to forget that these thing happened because I still can't quite believe it. Please don't be angry at me for this. 

In the past when we've had problems he's been reasonably good at apologising when he's done something that has hurt me and quite good at discussing any problems we might have had. At the moment however he is highly unlikely to apologise (even when he grabbed my wrist that one time, he did not apologise) and will not talk about anything. If I try to initiate a discussion (always when I judge him to be in a happy, stress-free mood) he says things like 'why are you bringing that up? Why can't you just forget that?' or 'You're hurting my head' or 'I don't want to talk about that now'. Most recently when he said this last comment, I asked when *would* be a good time to talk. To which he replied 'November'. 

I really am such a mess because in between all these l things he is so nice, picks me up from work, tells me how gorgeous I am, tells me how much he loves me etc. Just this week he bought me a very thoughtful gift for my birthday. I know presents aren't the measure of a relationship but present-giving isn't really a 'thing' in his culture so it means a lot to me. I don't know what to think because one minute he is telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, then half an hour later I can call him to find out what he's up to and he's calling me names and swearing at me on the phone. I talk to my other European friends who have local partners and sometimes the stories they tell me are identical to my own so i'm inclined to think that maybe a good portion of this behaviour is cultural. On the other hand I know my husband is an intelligent human being who has spent time in the UK with me and should know better than to blindly follow the behaviour of other men he knows.......or at least I think I know, so I don't understand.

I have just enrolled on the Freedom Program after reading Navy's thread in this forum and am surprised at how much my husband's behaviour matches some of that described 

I love this man with all my heart. We haven't even been married a year and I desperately, desperately want this to work. We've had bad times before and things have come good again. I'm aware that now I have the word 'abuse' in my head though then maybe I'm overreacting to things that I would just have battled through before. I could go on writing, it's kind of cathartic but I'm aware that I've probably rambled on enough. Any feedback at all is truly very much appreciated. I'm not sure that I can trust the advice of family.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I could not accept being sworn at or called names. I would leave a man like that. It will only get worse.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Abuse. Plain to see.

Nice gifts cannot possibly make up for the torment he is unleashing on you.


----------



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Blue_ Butterfly this is pure abuse sweety I've been there it took me 5 years to smell the coffee. gifts ? Its just a honeymoon phase of an abuser forgiving him just gives him permission to continue with his behaviour again.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm not all that familiar with emotional abuse but I would think screaming and cursing at someone would qualify. Forcibly grabbing your wrists and shoving a cushion in your face would be a domestic assault in my state. Whatever you choose to call it, there are behaviors you are prepared to tolerate and there are behaviors you aren't. You decide what you are willing to put up with. I'm as tolerant as they come but my line is drawn at safety and civility. I won't live with someone I don't feel safe with and I won't put up with incivility. People can treat me like a human being or they can play somewhere else. It's ok to disagree, debate, argue, etc, but I don't scream and I won't be screamed at. I don't cuss my wife and she won't cuss me. 
I didn't see the cushion incident, but when someone tries to impede another's ability to breath, that's a very serious violation. It's just about the ultimate display of control. Whether a man chokes you or threatens to smother you, the idea is the same. He's conveying that your life is very literally in his hands. When I investigate a domestic assault and someone has tried to choke (strangle) or smother their partner, I charge them with attempted murder. 
By saying things "trip him off", he's saying he's not in control of his anger; others (probably you) are responsible for his violence and rage. Whatever you want to call his behavior, I wouldn't tolerate my adult daughters being treated that way by their husbands. I wouldn't give a rat's behind what his culture allowed. Where there is no respect there can be no love. You have described someone who serially disrespects you. The lowest form of human has the right to speak and to breath.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Blue Butterfly
He treats you badly and makes you unhappy, that is enough reason to leave. 

For a sense of scale - in almost 30 years of marriage, I've shouted at my wife onlyonce - and that when we were both exhausted and stressed - and I felt very badly about it afterwards.

I'm all for supporting "cultural differences", but "culture" is never an excuse for violent or abusive behavior. The fact that my ancestors practiced human sacrifice doesn't mean that its OK for me to do so....

Now lets look at what you wrote:
_Just this year he has actually laid his hands on me, in the form of grabbing my wrist, pushing me, and holding a cushion in my face so I couldn't speak. I must admit that I am trying to forget that these thing happened because I still can't quite believe it. Please don't be angry at me for this. _

Now he is moving toward physical abuse. 

Get out. This is only going to get worse. YOU cannot "make the marriage work", because he is violating his vows of marriage by mistreating you. 

What reason do you have for staying. There are so many nice people out there, there is never a reason to stay with someone who is abusive.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You are not unreasonable. You are not crazy.

Your H is both mentally _and_ physically abusive. Holding a cushion in your face so you couldn't speak? NO.

If you had a daughter, would you want the man she loves to treat her this way? If you had a son, would you want him to treat his wife this way?

Always trust your gut. Please get out. Now. It will not get better. Took me 12 years to get out. I've never felt safer or happier.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

*Right now he swears at me on a daily basis and calls me names most days. Yesterday for example he called me a 'f'ing arse' within earshot of strangers. Today he has asked 'what the f are you calling me and asking me that for?' on the telephone (before hanging up on me for the second time in a row).*

Yes this is emotional abuse.

*If I show that I am scared, he will drive more recklessly, to the point where I can end up in tears.*

That’s not ok. He is going out of his way to make you scared? That is not a loving thing to do.

*Is that unreasonable?*

I don’t think it is unreasonable at all that a couple would communicate where they are going or what they are doing. If this is a cultural thing it may be a hard habit to break but I think it is something that could be negotiated. It does not sound like he is interested in negotiating anything though.

*He criticises me quite a bit. I only realised this recently. Whether it is my driving or my ability to do my job; he often tells me I should listen to him (alternatively he is shouting at me because I have *not* listened to him) and do things as he tells me to.*

This is emotional abuse.

*He has a terrible anger. Nothing quite like I've ever experienced before. I come from a quiet family who never really shouted or screamed at one another. My friend has witnessed my husbands anger outbursts (rages?) and has said that her family was very much prone to this kind of thing, so I don't know if maybe I'm the abnormal one here!*

Unfortunately, this behavior is normal for too many families. That does not mean it’s healthy or is functional in any way. Family should be a safe place.

*Just this year he has actually laid his hands on me, in the form of grabbing my wrist, pushing me, and holding a cushion in my face so I couldn't speak. I must admit that I am trying to forget that these thing happened because I still can't quite believe it. Please don't be angry at me for this. *

This sounds scary. Unless he gets help for his anger it will not get better and will probably just end up getting worse.

*I really am such a mess because in between all these l things he is so nice, picks me up from work, tells me how gorgeous I am, tells me how much he loves me etc. Just this week he bought me a very thoughtful gift for my birthday. I know presents aren't the measure of a relationship but present-giving isn't really a 'thing' in his culture so it means a lot to me. I don't know what to think because one minute he is telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, then half an hour later I can call him to find out what he's up to and he's calling me names and swearing at me on the phone. I talk to my other European friends who have local partners and sometimes the stories they tell me are identical to my own so i'm inclined to think that maybe a good portion of this behaviour is cultural. On the other hand I know my husband is an intelligent human being who has spent time in the UK with me and should know better than to blindly follow the behaviour of other men he knows.......or at least I think I know, so I don't understand.*

People who abuse are not mean all of the time and that is what we cling to, right? You have a right to be safe and to live a life free of abuse. Have you talked with him about his anger and that you want him to get some help? I don’t know what resources are available where you live, unfortunately. I know different cultures are different.

*This is a very powerful poem that I think speaks to what you are talking about.*

I Confused Love and Abuse Until I Refused To Be a Casualty of His War â€” Everyday Feminism

Please stay safe.


----------



## Blue_Butterfly (Feb 12, 2015)

Oh Pooh Bear, you have me crying like a baby after reading that poem....

"I marvel at the smiles and the closeness and realize that these are the images which remain with me most vividly. When time has had its way with me, has softened the edges of my memory, I’m afraid I’ll only remember his charms: the crook of his arm, the way he said “Hey baby.”

I’m afraid I’ll miss these ideas of him."

The way he smiles at me, his smell, the way he always tells me 'I love you more', how excited he gets when he has a surprise for me and he just can't wait to show me, the way everything just feels 'right' when I snuggle up with him.....how can a person be so lovely and so terrible all at the same time? My heart is breaking at the thought that I might leave this man that I love so very, very much.

How can I possible love this man though? I make myself angry because I shouldn't. Who is silly enough to love someone that treats them so badly? And I know I'm not stupid. I have a 1st class honours degree and my own business. If he loves me like I think he does then why would he do this to me? I just don't understand. I feel like I should be able to 'show him', to open his eyes to what he's doing somehow. I know he's not a horrible person, I KNOW he knows how to be loving and kind and thoughtful. What has gone wrong? I have all these questions that I can't answer. It hurts so much.

It's 2.40am on Valentine's Day....well the day after now, I guess. He left in the car at 10pm to drop some things off down the road, a 5 minute journey at most. I asked him if he was going anywhere afterwards because his friend was calling him to hurry up but he said 'Are you a clown? What makes you think I'm going somewhere after? I'm just dropping X off'. But that was 4.5 hours ago now. When he left he knew I was sick, that makes it hurt a whole lot more. At 1.20am I walked the whole village looking for our car but I didn't see it anywhere. I feel like I'm turning into a crazy person. Who goes out in the dead of night to try and find their husband because he didn't come home? And where is he? His phone is going straight to voicemail. How do I handle this when he comes home? I know what he'll say. He'll say he was asked to do a taxi job; but my gut tells me he knew he was going somewhere else when he left. And if he was asked to do a taxi job, why didn't he come and let me know? So many questions again.

I've never had this doubt before, this mistrust. I always trusted him so completely. It feels ugly and I feel awful for feeling distrustful, but my gut.....

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, believe me, but my husband had an awful childhood that involved every type of abuse that I know of. I've been reading a lot and it's obvious now that this would have had a huge effect on his adult life/relationships. I love this man with all of my heart, does anyone know how to start trying to help with this? I'd be willing to do pretty much anything it took to help take away some of the anger and the turmoil that I can see goes on inside of him.

Richardsharpe - I'm was really surprised that you've only shouted at your wife once in 30 years. That's opened my eyes a little. Thank you.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I know. Isn't that poem amazing? You can't help who you love. Don't beat yourself up for loving someone. But you deserve to be treated better. Although it is sad that he had a hard childhood he is responsible now what he does with it. Did you talk with him about getting help? Or would that not be safe to do?


----------



## Blue_Butterfly (Feb 12, 2015)

It's after 5am now and he's still not home. I haven't slept. I'm past being angry now, I'm just scared something has happened to him.

I have asked for him to attend marriage counselling Pooh, but that was met with strong resistance. Having said that, I haven't mentioned it for months now so maybe it's worth trying again. I don't know what is available in this country in the way of therapists etc but i'd certainly be willing to find out.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Blue butterfly- you say you love him with all your heart? What is it about him you love? 

I'm sure there are good times and of course very good memories, however he's Showing you exactly who he is- he is a man lacking in impulse control, who cannot do what needs to be done to make his wife feel safe comfortable and secure. 

Sometimes we are more in love with the idea of someone or what we thought they represented and offered, however that was a lie. He is not the man you fell in love with. 

You deserve to be with someone who would never intentionally hurt you, who would never leave you lying alone at night wondering if they are alive or not. 

You deserve so much better. Even though it's scary to think of life without him and moving on- believe me when I say if you do move on when you look back the scary thing will be that you were once married to him and allowed him to abuse you.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh blue butterfly, this is definitely emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. Is there a domestic violence hotline in your area? One based in the UK that you can call? When a woman leaves her abuser, it can often be one of the most dangerous times in the marriage. Please plan carefully. If I were you, I'd plan to leave for the UK but not tell him. You can call him when you're safe at home.

Please be careful and take care of yourself.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Blue, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, verbal abuse, physical abuse, very controlling behavior, lack of impulse control (e.g., dangerous driving), lack of empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). These traits become a problem only when they are sufficiently strong to undermine one's attempt to sustain a mature, close relationship. At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and very controlling behavior.



Blue_Butterfly said:


> How can a person be so lovely and so terrible all at the same time?


If your H has strong BPD traits, that is exactly the behavior you should expect. One of the hallmarks of BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) is the ability to flip -- in just ten seconds -- between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you). This occurs because a BPDer is so emotionally stunted that he is unable to tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other grey areas in interpersonal relationships. 

A BPDer therefore will put the conflicting feelings out of reach of his conscious mind -- simplifying his life by having to deal with only one strong feeling at a time. This is the very same immature behavior you see in very young children. A young son, for example, will absolutely adore Mommy when she brings out the toys and then -- in a few seconds -- will suddenly hate Mommy when she takes one of them away. Like a young child, a BPDer cannot deal with several strong conflicting feelings at the same time. He therefore flips back and forth between them.

A BPDer generally perceives of other people as "all good" (or "with me") or, alternatively, as "all bad" ("against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in just a few seconds, based solely on a minor comment or action. This dichotomous thinking is called "black-white thinking," because the BPDer tends to "split you white" or "split you black." At the "Maybe's Thread" link I provide below, I discuss that B-W process in greater detail.



> My husband had an awful childhood that involved every type of abuse that I know of.


A recent study found that 70% of BPDers reported that they had been abandoned or abused in childhood. It therefore is widely believed (by the psychiatric community) that BPD is caused largely by childhood abuse (sometimes together with a genetic predisposition inherited from one parent). Significantly, most abused children do NOT develop full-blown BPD. Such abuse, however, GREATLY raises a child's risk for developing it.



> ....the way he always tells me 'I love you more', how excited he gets when he has a surprise for me and he just can't wait to show me.... How can I possible love this man though?


No, if he is a BPDer, the relevant question is "How could you have done otherwise?" In my experience, BPDers are very, VERY easy to love. Because they are so emotionally immature, they usually project a warmth of expression and intensity of expression that otherwise is only seen in young children. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. On top of that, BPDers project a vulnerability that is "catnip" to excessive caregivers like you and me. 



> Who is silly enough to love someone that treats them so badly? And I know I'm not stupid. I have a 1st class honours degree and my own business. If he loves me like I think he does then why would he do this to me?


If he is a BPDer, you love him for the same reason you love your young son -- because he is so lovable. What is unfortunate then is not that you _love _your H but, rather, that you _married_ him. If he is an untreated BPDer, you essentially have a parent/child relationship, not a wife/husband relationship.



> I just don't understand. I feel like I should be able to 'show him', to open his eyes to what he's doing somehow.


No, if he is a BPDer, you should NOT be able to show him. It is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness to be able to see his own distorted way of thinking. Granted, a BPDer typically will get occasional "moments of clarity," wherein he can see his own bad behavior and bad choices. My BPDer exW, for example, had perhaps four or five such moments during our 15 year marriage. 

Those moments typically occur when the BPDer is extremely depressed and distraught, but they last only a few hours or a day or two. Then it is like they never occurred at all. The reason is that the BPDer's subconscious works 24/7 protecting his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes that by projecting his hurt feelings and painful thoughts onto his partner. 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he will be absolutely convinced -- at the conscious level -- that the hurt and bad thoughts have originated with YOU. And a week later -- when he is saying the exact opposite -- he will be just as convinced that it is correct too. With a BPDer, his feelings are so intense that he is convinced they MUST be true. In this way, a BPDer usually regards feelings as self-evident "facts." 



> I know he's not a horrible person, I KNOW he knows how to be loving and kind and thoughtful.


If he is a BPDer, you likely are correct. BPDers are NOT horrible people. Their problem is not being "horrible" but, rather, being emotionally unstable. Moreover, the vast majority of BPDers are "high functioning," which means they usually get along well with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. The reason is that NONE of those people ever get close enough to trigger the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. This is why it is common for a BPDer to treat complete strangers with compassion all day long and then go home at night to abuse the very person who loves him.



> What has gone wrong? I have all these questions that I can't answer.


If he is a BPDer, what "went wrong" was that a trauma in early childhood prevented him from developing the more mature ego defenses that other people are able to use in adolescence and adulthood. That is, he lacks certain emotional skills. These include, for example, the ability to self sooth and calm himself down, the ability to better regulate his own emotions, the ability to perceive "object constancy" (to see others as essentially unchanged from day to day), and the ability to intellectually challenge his intense feelings (instead of accepting them as "reality").

Lacking those skills, a BPDer must rely instead on the primitive ego defenses available to young children. These include projection, denial (lying), black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.



> When he left he knew I was sick, that makes it hurt a whole lot more.


Although BPDers generally exhibit a lot of empathy at times, that empathy can disappear entirely -- to the point that you are left wondering whether he ever loved you at all. After all, how could exhibit such a lack of concern now if he ever had any real love? 

Well, as I noted above, this ability to flip between adoring you and hating you is a hallmark of people having strong BPD traits. That is how emotionally unstable people behave. Hence, if your H is a BPDer, the answer is that he likely loves you deeply but -- periodically -- he is completely out of touch of those loving feelings that he carries inside.



> I feel like I'm turning into a crazy person.


If he is a BPDer, that is EXACTLY how you should be feeling. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused spouses feel like they may be going crazy. This is why therapists see far more of those abused spouses coming in -- to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

One reason for this "crazymaking" effect is that, no matter how absurd the allegation coming out of the BPDer's mouth, he is absolutely convinced it is the truth. Because the abused partner can tell that her spouse is convinced he's right, she starts to doubt her own sanity. Another reason for this effect is that the abused partner will be convinced that, if she can only figure out what SHE is doing wrong, she can restore her spouse to that wonderful man she saw at the very beginning. Of course, attempting an impossible task over and over again for several years is the perfect prescription for driving yourself "crazy."



> Something will 'trip him off' (his words). It can be anything from me not doing as he says to him not having an equal number of coat hanger in his wardrobe as me (true story).


BPDers carry enormous hurt and anger inside from early childhood. This means you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that's always there. This is why BPDers can explode into a rage in just a few seconds -- over absolutely nothing at all. Importantly, if your H is a BPDer, the two triggers are his two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. I discuss those fears at the "Maybe's Thread" link shown below.



> I've never had this doubt before, this mistrust. I always trusted him so completely. It feels ugly and I feel awful for feeling distrustful, but my gut....


If you're living with a BPDer, BELIEVE YOUR GUT FEELING. Because a BPDer is emotionally unstable, he is unable to trust himself -- knowing that his desires and goals can quickly change over time. And, because he cannot trust himself, he is incapable of trusting his spouse. It took me nearly 15 years to realize that, when your spouse cannot trust you, you can never trust that spouse. He is capable of turning on you at any time -- and he will do it. Indeed, your H has already done it many times.



> Does anyone know how to start trying to help with this?


If your H is a BPDer, the good news is that most major cities have therapists who are very experienced in teaching BPDers the emotional skills they had no opportunity to learn in childhood. The bad news, however, is that it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness (to realize he has issues that need fixing) and sufficient ego strength to do anything about it. I would guess that perhaps 1% of BPDers ever stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference. Indeed, most won't go to therapy and, if you force them to do so, they usually only play mind games with the therapists. That's what my exW did.

Moreover, even when a BPDer is seen by a psychologist and properly diagnosed, it is unlikely that the psych will tell the BPDer (much less tell his W or insurance company) the true name of the diagnosis. As I explain at *Loath to Diagnose*, this information routinely is withheld for the protection of the BPDer client.

I therefore recommend that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Blue.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

He has issues and needs help. 

This behavior is unacceptable. 

Please make a plan and get yourself out.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Some of what you have shared is similar to what my friend experienced. She kept it to herself for a while, felt things could get better even when it became physical 'just once'. Thankfully she did confide in her family (and friends) who ensured she was out and safe. They had a child together and he's displayed this behavior with the child. She now sees it for what it is and is doing everything possible to protect her child. He won't get help.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Blue_Butterfly said:


> It's after 5am now and he's still not home. I haven't slept. I'm past being angry now, I'm just scared something has happened to him.
> 
> I have asked for him to attend marriage counselling Pooh, but that was met with strong resistance. Having said that, I haven't mentioned it for months now so maybe it's worth trying again. I don't know what is available in this country in the way of therapists etc but i'd certainly be willing to find out.


Marriage counseling is not the best option in cases of abuse, Blue_Butterfly, as the person being abusive will attempt to control the counseling sessions. He needs to get individual help first. But if he's not open to marriage counseling he is probably even less open to getting help for himself.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blue_Butterfly,

Here is a link for you to read about the "cycle of abuse".

Cycle of Abuse

Abusers know that if they abuse your spouse all the time, their spouse will leave them. So through trial and error, they find out how much they need to abuse their spouse to keep the spouse under control. And they learn how often they need to be 'good' so that they spouse does not leave them. It's a balancing act.

Your husband has already escalated to physical abuse. It will escalate. This is just the tip of what you will be dealing with down the road if you stay.

I would argue that you are in love with whom you thought he was and who you want him to be. I doubt you love the man who abuses you. He is not who you thought he was. He is not who you want him to be. He's an abusive man who hurts you emotionally and physically.

The message he's giving you when he breaks things is that next time he just might break you. When he puts on pillow over your face, the message is "I have the power to kill you, so you better do what I say."

You are married to a dangerous man. The only reasonable advice to give you is that you have to leave. There is no fixing a marriage when this level of abuse is going on.

If you are not strong enough right now to leave, get into counseling at a place that offers counseling and support for victims of domestic abuse/violence. Start working on getting stronger so you can leave. 

Now sure, there is one chance in a million that he might wake up and stop the abuse. But he's not going to do this as long as you stick around and put up with it.

If you do not leave him now, then I suggest you get an exit/safety plan in place. Here are two that I found on the internet. If you search you can find more. Make up an exit plan. Build your support system. And above all else, love you self enough to be safe.

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Battered Women's Shelter_Create a Safety Plan


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And I agree with Pooh Bear. Marriage counseling is a bad idea right now.

You each need to be in individual counseling. If he will not go to individual counseling and get anger management counseling as well then that is his choice. 

You cannot change him. No one can change another person. You can only change yourself. So work on yourself. Get into counseling for yourself.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

When I saw the title to this thread, I thought that your spouse was palying those sublte manipulative games like "damning with faint praise" and so on.

The abuse that you are receiving is very obvious. Being sworn at by anyone, from the customer at the cashier to the teacher at your child's school to your husband, parents, siblings and so on. It is just unacceptable.

What I am curious about is what ethnicity are you? I am Black American and despite the levels of education that my family has (my father is a medical doctor), it seems that just for the sake of having a (black) boyfriend / partner / husband that I should put up with a lot agro. 

You may have parents who have similar limited views about the options that their daughter has.


----------



## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

You've only been married a few months.
I'd have been gone a long time ago. It WON'T get better with time. 
I'd get out NOW before it becomes years!

REAL MEN/GENTLEMEN DON'T TREAT WOMEN THIS WAY!


----------



## Blue_Butterfly (Feb 12, 2015)

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and the links. I haven't got the time right now but I'll certainly be following them up this afternoon.

Uptown - I sat reading your post with an open mouth. I have yet to read the links you've provided for me but what you have written above describes my husband perfectly. I literally sat reading your post with my mouth open because it almost felt like you'd met him. Thank you so much for taking the time to write in such detail. 

NextTimeAround - What you're describing is very much how the local people feel about things. Not because the ladies here are black but they definitely think that it is 'normal' to have to put up with a great deal from your boyfriend/husband/any man. I am white (don't get me started on racism in this country, if one more person tells me racism against white people doesn't exist then I'll scream. I have to endure poor behaviour from people due to the colour of my skin on a daily basis), and my parents have a very real dislike of the way my husband treats me.....and that's just from what they've seen and from the things I've told my Mum. However, I could not really confide in my local friends as, although they will complain about such a situation, it seems to be a woman's duty to put up with such things. The ladies here even laugh at the 'white boys' when they see them holding their wife's hand, or ask their wife what she thinks about a decision. It's very disconcerting and I will never get used to ladies thinking they're second class citizens.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Blue Butterfly
Culture is never an excuse for abuse. There are loving caring people from all backgrounds - and abusers from all backgrounds (it doesn't matter at all whether there are more from some cultures than others).

I see no reason to try to "fix" this. This is not a good man with a few small issues, this is an abuser. 

Please don't wind up committing yourself to a life with someone who will make you miserable. I know I'm repeating myself, but there really are a lot of wonderful people out there who will love you and treat you well - and all they will ask in return is for you to do the same for them. I think people get into abusive relationships and think they are normal - they are not.


----------

