# Why is this so hard?



## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

I have repeatedly "left" in my head. I have slowly packed away all of my belongings. The only thing left in the house is my clothing, makeup, and all of my boys' stuff. He hasn't even noticed. I went to the doctor today to see about getting antidepressants and finally confessed to what has been going on in my marriage. "Leave!" "You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you have to look out for your boys!" And I left the office knowing that she was right and packed up more stuff, but kept it in the garage hidden behind all the other boxes. But now I am sitting here at the kitchen table with no plans on going through with it tonight...because one more thing, and then I'll leave. And I've been doing this for over a year. I keep thinking that maybe I overreacted and I'm overly sensitive. Or he'll apologize for being rude and I hope that maybe he finally gets it. We don't have kids together. We don't have assets together. So what is keeping me here? Because I am having a really difficult time and the only thing I can think of is I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I am going to be leaving my stepdaughter too. I feel guilty because I am going to move my boys again (even if it is for the best). I feel guilty because maybe just maybe I deserve getting yelled at and treated like a child-I know that I don't, but these thoughts cross my mind. Then I come back to all the reasons why I SHOULD leave. I want my boys to see how a man should treat a woman. I deserve to come home from work and find peace and solace...not resentment, anger, and just plain craziness. I deserve to be treated with respect and loved and looked after. I am not a slave. I am not a punching bag or a doormat. So why am I still here? I'm giving it one more chance. One last and final chance. And this is my commitment to myself and my boys. If he so much as raises his voice in the house or yells at me or belittles me or makes me feel small...I will have my answer and hope for a quick and well planned getaway. Because I deserve much more in life.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Just to play devil's advocate, would you feel better if you TOLD him some of what you just posted here? What if you said, I'm all but gone, I've left in my head, I've packed everything except my clothes and my makeup, and the boys' stuff, and you haven't even noticed. 

I realize you may already have told him, but I don't know that. 

Or maybe read what you wrote hear and say it to yourself and then maybe you'll leave. 

But don't be hard on yourself and judge yourself because you haven't just up and done it. If there's a reason you're sitting on the fence, think hard about why that is, and see if that gives you the answers you need to move forward. 

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I did leave an abusive relationship. It took me a long time, and it took me until it was going to cost me something important to me, to leave. 

What that one more thing that you're waiting for him to do that would make you leave actually be?


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> Just to play devil's advocate, would you feel better if you TOLD him some of what you just posted here? What if you said, I'm all but gone, I've left in my head, I've packed everything except my clothes and my makeup, and the boys' stuff, and you haven't even noticed.
> 
> I realize you may already have told him, but I don't know that.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I told him that I wasn't going to raise my boys in a house full of yelling and screaming. I probably should have said this when he had calmed down because his response was "then get out. When are you leaving?"


I don't know. Maybe yell at me one more time. Make me feel like an idiot one more time.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't think you need anything else. You're ready, so go.
Then you can start a new life.

Your first task in that new life will be to see if there was anything that you overlooked when you decided to get involved with this man, so you can avoid making a mistake like this in the future.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When you draw a line and your bluff is called, if you don't follow through you lose your credibility. I think that's happened to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Please. Just. Leave.

What are you waiting for??

He hasn't EVEN noticed that you've already "slipped out of his life"...!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Katiemelanie said:


> I don't know. Maybe yell at me one more time. Make me feel like an idiot one more time.


And then another. And another. And another.

Just leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Katiemelanie said:


> I don't know. Maybe yell at me one more time. Make me feel like an idiot one more time.


That's fine if that's what you want. But from what you've posted, my take on your unwillingness to leave is (1) your are a masochist, (2) you have no self-esteem whatsoever, (3) you're afraid to face the challenges life brings you on your own, and (4) the a$$hole you know and live with is preferable to the possible a$$holes you'll encounter once you are alone.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> That's fine if that's what you want. But from what you've posted, my take on your unwillingness to leave is (1) your are a masochist, (2) you have no self-esteem whatsoever, (3) you're afraid to face the challenges life brings you on your own, and (4) the a$$hole you know and live with is preferable to the possible a$$holes you'll encounter once you are alone.


I'm not sure that I am a masochist...but I do know that I have serious self-esteem issues and guilt from some things that happened that were out of my control in the past. So maybe in a way I feel like deep down I deserve this even though I know that is just crazy talk. and #3 is pretty much spot on. I am afraid of the unknown. I think there are so many factors. I also talked with my doctor about this and I get so frustrated because I try to explain to my husband how he is making me feel and how I am getting extremely frustrated and he acknowledges that he hears me, but when I go to act on something...like spend the weekend at the beach with my boys...it's quite possible the worst thing that I could have ever done to him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Listen, all I'm saying is this: We all have emotional baggage. But I decided that the crap I carried around with me in a rotting garbage bag was keeping me stuck.

You can talk to all the doctors you want, spin your wheels, and question your motives to leave based on your past. But this is the here an now. So stay and make excuses for staying.

It's your life and your choices. Frankly, I don't understand why people feel the need to analyze their past so much. Analyze it to your heart's desire ... after you leave this toxic situation.

Either that, stay and suck it up. JMO.


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## boardwalk (Oct 17, 2015)

Honey, I know how hard it is. I'm only just beginning to realize I may be starting to think about leaving myself (strange sentence?!) I'm beginning to realize my husband is abusive (thanks in big part to this forum!), and that my gut feeling all along was right, now I'm starting to listen to it.

You DON'T have to leave until you are ready - whenever that is. I know what it's like to have people telling you to leave. There are good points I'm sure, I'm sure you still love him (or remember you loved him once), there is comfort in staying no matter how crappy he is. That's ok. 

I also know exactly what you're getting at waiting for 'something'. Like another rage, another insulting name, something that you can finally go 'that's IT!!!!' as if that will justify it. I feel the same right now, it's like I need that excuse. Even though I have all those past incidents and am now seeing everyday the little things that also go along with his attitude, that I never really noticed before. I also feel as though I need that excuse for him - like if I leave him now ( in the middle of a 'good period') he will put all the blame on me etc etc etc. Which.... he will anyway. I know that. BUT my point is I understand where you're coming from 

If you haven't already, please read Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?' and also his other book 'Should You Leave?', you can get them both from Amazon (even reading the reviews helps a lot), they may at your library or just read it at Barnes and Nobles...

These books will help you in validating how you are feeling right now. Please read them. And know you're not alone, and it's ok.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read the books boardwalk mentioned. They will show you WHY you have to leave. Because he will never change. Re: his daughter: you can't make things better for her, but you CAN leave and show her that women don't have to stay with men like him. So that when she gets older, she will know to leave a man like him, too.

Here are some excerpts from the book:
https://www.goodreads.com/work/quot...inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It's hard to let go of a dream. It's like giving up on pushing yourself to one more practice, at which you'll magically have that breakthrough and master the skill you need to reach the pinnacle.

But this isn't about you lacking Olympic level athletic skills. It isn't about you lacking the talent to make it in the music biz. It isn't about you never becoming a fighter pilot. It isn't about you curing cancer if you just spend enough time in the lab.

A relationship isn't something that succeeds just because YOU work hard enough at it. A relationship is a group project in which ALL members have to put in effort; you can't just have on person coasting by on the hard work of the other one.

You do not have a partner. This is a dream you have to let go of - the dream of this man being the one for you. You had those hopes at one point, but time has passed and it turns out he simply lacks the talent needed to be a good partner for you.

Letting go of dreams is hard because you feel that YOU weren't good enough to achieve them. Letting go of a dream of a happy marriage can be the same feeling, if you are not careful.

Find a new dream to work towards and that will help with letting go of this one. Give yourself a dream of a peaceful home, of independence, of parenting your sons without stress. Then think of the steps you need to achieve that dream, and you'll find that letting go of this man is the first one.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Put it this way...it's never easy.

When you love someone like you do..it's never easy to leave. It finally takes just that one thing to break you and tell you that's it's just time.

I've been there and I know. I loved a man to pieces and was with him and married to him for nearly 20 years. The first 10 years were awesome and it just went downhill from there.

He too was emotionally abusive and would take me down every chance he could. We'd have an argument and he'd just leave for the night. 

I'd call him the next day and ask if he was coming home, while his reply was always, "Are you going to be nice to me and listen when I talk to you?"

I just wanted him home.

He took me down and down and down while he cheated on me constantly; blaming it on the fact that we must have had a big fight that night and I pushed him into it..

One thing led to another and it got to the point that I could barely get out of bed, I was so depressed

Then one day we went grocery shopping and he told me he was moving out with some guy friend of his. I was beyond heartbroken and talked him into staying for the holidays. He agreed and said that maybe it would help us work things out.

Things went great until New Years Eve when we had plans and he didn't show up. Found up he spent them with his "girlfriend"

That was it for me. I was done. Believe it or not be begged me to stay but that broke me and I went and filed for pro se divorce the next day.

There comes a time honey, where you just know you have to move on. Take you time finding it..but it'll come sweetie, I promise.

In the meantime..I'm sending you big hugs and hoping for the best for you. Hang in there and do what you need to do when your heart tells you so..because it will. Again.I promise it will!~!


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

WOW! Thank you everyone...I really needed that encouragement. I've been doing a whole lot of reading and realizing that half the problem IS me. I know that he can be emotionally abusive, and that's on him, but how I react and this anger that I am feeling is on me. I have been caving in to every single one of his demands because I was afraid of how he was going to respond if I went with what I wanted to do. I was feeling resentful and hateful because even doing what he wanted wasn't good enough for him. So I made a commitment to myself yesterday to stick with what I want. Obviously, I can make compromises, but yesterday he threw a fit because his pants weren't ironed and he said "well I guess we're not going to be able to go out to dinner now!" the old me would have stood up and said "oh let me help you iron your pants" and I would be angry and upset because all I wanted him to say was "can you please help me iron my pants?" instead of using guilt and manipulation to get what he wanted. But I just said "oh that's too bad. Think about what you want to eat from home". Well..he ironed his own pants and that was that. And just now he came downstairs complaining that he doesn't know where his other pants are. The old me would have stood up and looked all over the house for them while he was yelling and screaming that nobody respects him and he doesn't want me touching his laundry anymore, and blah blah blah (which I have tried not touching his laundry and then he gets upset that he doesn't have any clean clothes...so I can't win either way and I will never be wife of the year in his eyes). So I said "oh that's too bad. I would look in the dryer or maybe your closet where I usually put your clean pants" and left it at that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may want to blame yourself for 'half' the problem but that doesn't stop him from being an abusive jerk. Just standing up to him isn't going to make him a nice person. But it's a good start. Eventually, you're going to start respecting yourself enough that you just walk away. Nothing is going to change until he loses you.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

turnera said:


> You may want to blame yourself for 'half' the problem but that doesn't stop him from being an abusive jerk. Just standing up to him isn't going to make him a nice person. But it's a good start. Eventually, you're going to start respecting yourself enough that you just walk away. Nothing is going to change until he loses you.


I'm reading those quotes you sent from the book. I actually ordered the book right before I posted! It got really good reviews. The sad part...I can relate to most of the posts. He's in a great mood today, and yesterday, so I am kind of loving the peace right now. I do know that the angry person will return and I hope that I will have enough strength to leave this time. I love him and I love when he's amazing and kind and sweet. But when he gets mad...he's a different person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Katiemelanie said:


> I am kind of loving the peace right now. I do know that the angry person will return


Why it doesn't make sense to stay:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse


btw, good job ordering the book!


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## boardwalk (Oct 17, 2015)

Katiemelanie said:


> I'm reading those quotes you sent from the book. I actually ordered the book right before I posted! It got really good reviews. The sad part...I can relate to most of the posts. He's in a great mood today, and yesterday, so I am kind of loving the peace right now. I do know that the angry person will return and I hope that I will have enough strength to leave this time. I love him and I love when he's amazing and kind and sweet. But when he gets mad...he's a different person.


Yup - totally understand that feeling. I'm reading it for a second time now, which is helping it stay clear in my mind. It's changed how I am seeing my husband, it seems so clear to me now the 'games' he plays and the good times just aren't looking so good any more. 

But.... they still make it ridiculously hard.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My IC told me to write down a list of the things he'd done to hurt me. All on one piece of paper. And keep it in my wallet. And reread it every few days so that I can't FORGET that the 'good times' are FAKE.


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## boardwalk (Oct 17, 2015)

turnera said:


> My IC told me to write down a list of the things he'd done to hurt me. All on one piece of paper. And keep it in my wallet. And reread it every few days so that I can't FORGET that the 'good times' are FAKE.


Ooooo I like this!!


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Yup....love it. I'm in the honeymoon period. Problems? what problems?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honeymoon period?

Just ask for something he's refused to do for you. It'll end real quick.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

So far a week of HEAVEN! No yelling, no anger....just peace. What happened? It almost feels like he read everything and shaped up. I'm not holding my breath and I won't be an idiot and believe that things changed this fast, but this week has been amazing!


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