# Partners internet porn habits



## dolphinwings

Hi all, thank goodness I have found this forum as I feel I am going to go mad. I used my husbands notepad several weeks ago as I could not be bothered to get mine out and his was out. What I found completely shocked me he had been watching porn. The pages were still there. I looked in the history which only went back and week and saw he had been on those and other pages previous to that. I monitored for several weeks looking when he was out. It was very frequent. Several months ago he told me he had no sex drive at all and we have not had sex for well over four months.
Just two days ago I looked again and found that week he had been watching on five separate days. I was so shocked, hurt and ashamed. I asked him about it two days ago asking did he still have no sex drive and he said no he didnt. So I then asked him why he had been watching porn on the internet, he sat opened mouthed for a few seconds and said he did not know why. I told him he must know why and he obviously did have a sex drive as he had been watching porn. He said he did not get aroused by it and he did not masterbate and he watched it because he was bored. Of course I find this very very hard to believe. I also mentioned to him that there were some chat website that he had been on but he said he never ever chatted to anyone. I asked him to tell me the truth but he would not change his story but he did say he would not do it again at which point he got up and picked up his notebook and I think he was about to either destroy or throw it in the trash and I told him he better not do that, he then left it on a table. it was there yesterday but today it is gone. I have a quick scout around when he was not around and could see no sign of it so I am now building myself up to asking him where it is. I have no idea if he is addicted or how long it has been going on and I feel he is repeatedly telling lies. I feel I am in a complete limbo at the moment and have no idea where I go from here so any ideas suggestion would be good.


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## Hope1964

OK settle down here.

Chatting and looking at porn are NOT the same thing at all. One is simply looking at anonymous women. The other is one on one interaction and often involves live video and always involves sex talk. My husband looked at porn for years, but then started chatting, and that is when he started cheating. 

Porn is something that most men feel they must hide, because they get exactly the reaction you gave your husband. He needs to be less secretive, and you need to be less freaked out.

I'm not going to tell you that what he is doing is ok because that's up to the two of you. But it does sound like you have some pretty strong preconceptions about porn. Your husband looking at porn simply means he's a normal red blooded male. The fact he doesn't have sex with YOU, though, makes me wonder if looking at porn is really all he is up to.


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## dolphinwings

Thank you for your input hope 1964. I think my issue is not so much as porn he is watching but the lies he told. I mean how can I believe he does not get anything out of it or he watched it because he was bored and has no sex drive. Maybe I live in the dark ages and it is true although I suspect not. To be honest I am still reeling hurt, embarrassed, rejected and feel a fool, I feel I cannot talk to anyone about it because I feel ashamed. He will not discuss any more of it still keeping to his original story and then saying he will look on my computer I told him go ahead you wont find any porn on mine. I just cannot believe what he has told me, and it is the lies that hurt the most. I feel it is the end of the line for us now I see no way out


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## hereinthemidwest

Tell him not to lie. But he lied because he felt he had too. You are going ape crap over it. It's normal. Watching it fine. Chatting / web cam are cheating. Often they meet up in the real world. 

I suggest....get a steamy movie and watch it together with him. You may have some HOT SEX!


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## dolphinwings

I have told him to tell me the truth and he wont so cant get past this unless he tells the truth. Not sure about the hot sex as he also had ED but I am assuming that is cured now also


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## Mavash.

dolphinwings said:


> we have not had sex for well over four months.


I can see why you are upset.

He does have a drive but could still have ED.

The two aren't necessarily related.

When did the sex stop? Has it always been this way?


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## dolphinwings

He saw a doc around 5 or 6 months ago about Ed he gave him viagra which we tried a couple of weeks later it worked fine, but nothing since that time. He is still insisting he has no sex drive but I told him I cannot understand then why you watch porn if you have no sex drive. He says he watched it only cause he was bored, it did nothing for him at all. I just find that hard to believe.


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## Mavash.

dolphinwings said:


> I just find that hard to believe.


Me too.

But then again I'm not a guy so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.


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## CallaLily

Your marriage is in trouble, so my suggestion is MC. Tell him you feel your marriage about to fall apart and you feel you both need some professional help to get things back on track. If he is "bored" he needs a new hobby or something more constructive to do.


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## thrall

dolphinwings said:


> Hi all, thank goodness I have found this forum as I feel I am going to go mad. I used my husbands notepad several weeks ago as I could not be bothered to get mine out and his was out. What I found completely shocked me he had been watching porn. The pages were still there. I looked in the history which only went back and week and saw he had been on those and other pages previous to that. I monitored for several weeks looking when he was out. It was very frequent. Several months ago he told me he had no sex drive at all and we have not had sex for well over four months.
> Just two days ago I looked again and found that week he had been watching on five separate days. I was so shocked, hurt and ashamed. I asked him about it two days ago asking did he still have no sex drive and he said no he didnt. So I then asked him why he had been watching porn on the internet, he sat opened mouthed for a few seconds and said he did not know why. I told him he must know why and he obviously did have a sex drive as he had been watching porn. He said he did not get aroused by it and he did not masterbate and he watched it because he was bored. Of course I find this very very hard to believe. I also mentioned to him that there were some chat website that he had been on but he said he never ever chatted to anyone. I asked him to tell me the truth but he would not change his story but he did say he would not do it again at which point he got up and picked up his notebook and I think he was about to either destroy or throw it in the trash and I told him he better not do that, he then left it on a table. it was there yesterday but today it is gone. I have a quick scout around when he was not around and could see no sign of it so I am now building myself up to asking him where it is. I have no idea if he is addicted or how long it has been going on and I feel he is repeatedly telling lies. I feel I am in a complete limbo at the moment and have no idea where I go from here so any ideas suggestion would be good.


Porn interfered with my relationship with my wife and I. It wasn't that she was necessarily pissed about me watching it but rather the lying about watching it. I felt that I needed to hide it because I was expecting her to freak out on me about it, but the truth is that sometimes when I was rejected sexually I would just take care of myself, no problem. 

BUT, in your case, if he's not having sex with YOU and is preferring porn, that is a red flag to me. I'm not sure how all the ED and the low sex drive business comes into this but it seems awfully strange to watch porn THAT much and not be able to salute the flag. 

I hope you figure this out.


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## Tiberius

Watching a lot of porn is an addiction. The latest research found this:


We found Dr Valerie Voon, a neuroscientist at Cambridge University and a global authority on addiction.
Then, in the first study of its kind, we recruited 19 heavy porn users who felt their habit was out of control and had Dr Voon examine their brain activity as they watched, among other things, hardcore porn.
She showed them a variety of images, both stills and videos. 
These ranged from images known to excite all men, such as bundles of £50 notes and extreme sports in action, to mundane landscapes and wallpapers - all inter-spliced with hardcore porn videos, plus pictures of both clothed and naked women.
The ways in which their brains responded to this diverse imagery were compared with the responses of a group of healthy volunteers.
She was interested in a particular brain region called the ventral striatum - the 'reward centre' - where our sense of pleasure is produced. This is one of the areas where an addict will show a heightened response to visual representations of their addiction - whether it's a syringe or a bottle of vodka.

What we discovered was a revelation. When shown porn, the reward centre of normal volunteers barely reacted, but that of the compulsive porn users lit up like a Christmas tree. 
The compulsive porn users' brains showed clear parallels with those with substance addictions.
Everybody on the project was astounded, even Dr Voon, who admitted she had been 'sceptical and ambivalent' about the study at the outset.


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## PBear

I'm a guy. I watched porn in my marriage, I've watched it while in a dating relationship. I'm fine with my GF watching it, and I like watching it with her. So I'm not a porn prude. 

Having said that... There's a HUGE problem when one partner watches porn and takes care of their needs while the other partner is left unfulfilled. If I was you, I'd start with marriage counseling to try to resolve what he gets out of porn that he doesn't get from sex with you. And I guess you'll have to go from there. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy

dolphinwings said:


> He is still insisting he has no sex drive but I told him I cannot understand then why you watch porn if you have no sex drive.


Porn can boost testosterone and increase sex drive. It can help create what you don't already have.


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## Thebes

He's lying about getting aroused and I bet he is taking care of himself a lot and that is why he doesn't want to have sex. Then again he may be hiding more on that laptop than you know like an affair.


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## dolphinwings1

He this is dolphinwings with new user name. I was unable to get into the site with my details tried to get them from the email I signed up with and got locked out of that I think I got mixed up with passwords which is easy for me.
Thank you all for your replies and support I appreciate it. I agree with you all in what you have said my marriage is indeed in trouble and until now I did not realize that. It is not the porn as much as the lies he he telling me. If he had only have told the truth instead of giving me unbelivable replies then I think we would be working our way through the problems now. To be honest I dont think he would go to marriage counseling and I certainly dont think he would own up to anything not now. A bit of a stale mate situation I think. Tiberius I found your post very interesting indeed and go to look up some more information if only that I am able to understand it some more, from what I have been reading it seems he could well have an addiction. Thrall thank you for sharing and being honest all these posts have helped me no end so thank you. That is something I cant understand either ED no sex drive but watches porn up to 4 times a week that I know about and I liked the salute the flag description made me smile and believe me I am not doing any of that at the moment. Things are frosty between us to say the least and he has even refused to eat food I have cooked him saying he was not hungry pretty childish game playing I think. I just cant seem to get over the hurt, embarrassment and shame it is like I am living with a different person. I have lots of lovely friends and dearly wish I could tell them but I feel so ashamed to tell any of them anything. I am stuck in limbo now and do not know where to go next the only option I can see right now is to leave and save my sanity. Thanks all for listening


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## dolphinwings1

Thebes I agree there might have been things I have missed he certainly had chat screens up but nothing there just log in details. He has told me he is never going on his ipad again and put it away (I thought he has thrown it away as he threatened to) So I put the ipad on show where he used to keep it to see if he goes on it after all that has happened if he does then I guess he is addicted


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## Hope1964

Don't be too quick to call it an addiction. My husband is a sex addict, and it seems to be the flavour of the month kind of diagnosis lately. He could very well be, but only a certified sex addiction therapist could say for sure.

If I were you I would write down what's going on and give him a letter. Tell him that there are a few things he MUST do if he wishes to remain married to you: go and see a CSAT for possible sex addiction, go to MC with you, open up all of his computer and phone activity to you (passwords, web history everything), give you access to his bank info (addicts usually end up spending money on sex chat sites, escorts etc). See what he says about that. If he scoffs at you then file for D immediately. Make him aware you really mean it. You might also want to consider keylogging his tablet - I'm no expert about that but spying on him would tell you whether he has actually crossed the line to cheating via webcam, chat and what have you.


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## dolphinwings1

He is now pretending nothing has happened and carrying on as normal think he thinks because I have said no more the danger is over so to speak. I like the idea of writing him a letter but still thinking about what to say. I left his tablet out on show as he had put it away and I was working all day on Friday when I came home it was put away again I know where it is so shall have a look at it to see if he has been there again then it will be the end I feel


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## trey69

dolphinwings1 said:


> He is now pretending nothing has happened and carrying on as normal


Of course. People who have addictions and even those who do not, and care very little about what another person says or how they feel will operate in this manner. They pretend all is well, for the time being until it comes up again. Then if you say something once again, they will still pretend things are fine, its a cycle that someone needs to break. 

PS. Pretending all is well, is common in people who do not want to deal with whatever issue is going on.


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## dolphinwings1

Thank you for your comment trey69. Any guidance on how to break the cycle


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## ladybird

Ed could possibly be caused by watching porn. 

It is one thing for someone to watch porn, it is another when they are neglecting their partner.

He does have a sex drive, he is taking care of business. If it didn't do what it is supposed to do why would he continue to watch it.


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## ladybird

dolphinwings1 said:


> *He is now pretending nothing has happened and carrying on as normal think he thinks because I have said no more the danger is over so to speak.* I like the idea of writing him a letter but still thinking about what to say. I left his tablet out on show as he had put it away and I was working all day on Friday when I came home it was put away again I know where it is so shall have a look at it to see if he has been there again then it will be the end I feel


 This is what they do, I mean yeah you could beat the topic to death, but what is the point. 

Chances are that the history on the tablet will be cleared, you more then likely won't find anything at least for a little while..


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## Natalie789

I don't blame you for being upset. I would be too.

Porn, drooling over other women while we're out, strip clubs, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, etc are big no-nos for me. I wouldn't tolerate that in a relationship.

People might think I'm crazy but there's a method to the madness.

A lot of men see women in Maxim or porn and then develop expectations in their head. Why don't her breasts look that perky? Why isn't she thinner like that model? The model just had a baby, why can't my wife look that good after having ours?

A lot of guys don't even think about how much those magazines are photoshopped or how much plastic surgery that actress has had. On a practical level they know, but on a gut reaction level they don't or don't care. 

Another reason is the less you focus on your partner and the more you lust after someone else, the worse your relationship. When your partner is your world, you feel closer to them and then your physical connection is better too (ie, the sex).

I know a lot of people would disagree, but that's my opinion.


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## hawk1981

For a lot of guys it's a distraction and a way to cope with life (at least it was for me). Some guys drink, some smoke weed, some watch porn, some golf all day, some exercise relentlessly,etc. Some of those things are ok to some, some are ok to others. Either way, it is likely that he feels really crappy and it's a way to mask the feelings and fears. Porn and cam services are a great way to pretend you're not yourself. Cam services, for many guys is just watching without interaction (keep that in mind for those scrolling through). Few guys really want to pay for the services and just like the idea of some woman being vivacious live rather than on a movie. Point being, you can have low sex drive and still watch porn (just like drinking and not being thirsty). But similar to drinking, most guys watch porn and don't compare it to their significant other. Every single guy I know would always prefer their wife over porn, because the two are separate items. Porn isn't real, there is no connection. Sex is real, and it can be a terrifying connection. Am I good enough for her, am I attractive to her, does she actually want me, will I satisfy her? All of these questions "may" plague a man with his significant other (but not with his porn). To Natalie's point above, any man expecting his significant other to look like someone from the pornos is simply a jerk.

To be clear, incase I wasn't, I would look at porn on a weekly/semi-monthly basis to numb out my feelings of not being able to connect with my wife. I've stopped (or keep trying to stop as it's not easy to just not look), but she is still not connecting with me how I'd like. A lot of that is on me, and my expectations and my insecurities. Nevertheless, it's a very easy and useful way to numb out and avoid connection. I may be wrong in regard to the OP's situation, but there are alternatives to porn (moderate exercise, reading, etc.) all which can provide temporary relief, so long as both partners work on the connection. Both need to be vulnerable and connect, and until that happens it's so much easier to pretend nothing ever happened and there is no problem. It's not an easy road for either of you; good luck!


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## Depressed and dazed

Dear Dolphinwings1
I have posted on here at the beginning of the year- exactly the same issue (only difference being no ED). Well, that is, unless you count the inabiity to have sex with me because he was accessing porn anywhere from daily to a few times (I caught him) twice daily. He constantly said he can only manage sex 2x weekly- but his visits to porn sites and nudist chat sites, subscription to iphone porn etc...told me differently.
I found out by accident (although my gut was telling me there was something wrong) and yes, the ipad was his downfall.

You can read more detail in earlier posts- I wont repeat it here. But ultimately, his denial, minimization, gas lighting, lies and distortions ultimately led to be ending the marriage. The final store being when i discovered he had visited a massage parlour for a tantric massage!! Oh- the creative excuses for that were nothing short of comical!!! Shame I was so cut up about it- in light of all hed done and our struggle to try to fix the marriage!!

Anyway- just want to give you a thumbs up. Be very careful, very sceptical and very wary about what you believe. Remember, technology is everywhere- home and office computers, ipads, iphones....You cannot stop someone from doing what they fully intend to do. You cannot change someone- futile to try. If he is intent on this course of action- you simply have to decide upon yours...

I ended my marriage nearly 7 months ago and discovered that there is a life beyond the lies, counter accusations, deceit, insecurity and wondering what the hell is going on when I walk out of the house. Wondering who he sees when he had sex with me (always had his eyes shut toward the end).

I am happy, very happy now. I have tentatively met some nice men, enjoyed their company and am feeling so positive about all aspects of my life. My advice here- decide how much you intend this to be the focus of your life- how long you will tolerate this- and then act accordingly.

Remember- his denial is a problem (apart from lies of course!!). Without full disclosure and a committed course back to you- you are just treading water and exposing yourself to more pain. You cannot and will not build trust with someone who is still- as you suspect- quite likely lying to you. Hell, why would you want to?

Good luck to you- it is hard, I know!!


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