# Why is this happening?!?



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. He told me about six months ago that he doesn't think he wants to be married any more because he doesn't enjoy spending time with me and he wants to do his own thing. I was heartbroken. I made the mistake of pressuring him into trying to fix things the way I wanted them to be and it just pushed him out the door. He left two weeks ago. 

He is moving very quickly to separate from me financially, emotionally, etc. He never contacts me unless it is something about finances or our son. If I contact him even it's about something like that, he will sometimes answer and sometimes not. It is killing me that he could not miss me while I am missing him so much. I cry every day and I feel so incredibly lonely. He has our son today and I just found out that he took him somewhere that I suggested we all go as a family at the beginning of the summer. He is there with my son and he took his parents along, too. I am just so sad. I don't understand why he refused to do these things with me and our son as a family, but now that he has left us, he is going to do them without me? It's almost like he's doing it knowing that it will hurt me. Sorry to be rambling, but I needed to vent somehow. I just have all of the emotions of sadness, rejection, and confusion and I have no answers.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Try to remember that he has been withdrawing from the relationship for more than six months. He told you six months ago, but chances are he's been thinking about this longer than that. So he's way ahead of you in terms of grieving for the marriage.
Don't project. He's taking your son somewhere you suggested. Take that at face value. Maybe he wouldn't have known or considered going had it not been for you.
Have you seen an attorney and doctor? Are you in counseling? These might help.
Finally, do you know what happened in the marriage to make it break down? Would your H consider marriage counseling? Even if he won't consider reconciling, it might be good to go.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

specialplace said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. He told me about six months ago that he doesn't think he wants to be married any more because he doesn't enjoy spending time with me and he wants to do his own thing. I was heartbroken. I made the mistake of pressuring him into trying to fix things the way I wanted them to be and it just pushed him out the door. He left two weeks ago.
> 
> He is moving very quickly to separate from me financially, emotionally, etc. He never contacts me unless it is something about finances or our son. If I contact him even it's about something like that, he will sometimes answer and sometimes not. It is killing me that he could not miss me while I am missing him so much. I cry every day and I feel so incredibly lonely. He has our son today and I just found out that he took him somewhere that I suggested we all go as a family at the beginning of the summer. He is there with my son and he took his parents along, too. I am just so sad. I don't understand why he refused to do these things with me and our son as a family, but now that he has left us, he is going to do them without me? It's almost like he's doing it knowing that it will hurt me. Sorry to be rambling, but I needed to vent somehow. I just have all of the emotions of sadness, rejection, and confusion and I have no answers.


Start taking care of yourself and your son develop some hobbies and reconnect with old friends, as well start exercising exercising will help like nothing else maybe join a gym or start walking around the neighboorhood etc do things you always wanted to do the idea is to take your mind of current events, and I would contact an atty as well and at least start getting child support funds and visitation schedule hammered down as well 

Good Luck


----------



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't know exactly what happened with the marriage to be honest. Other than normal marital disagreements, I never thought we had any major problems. He told me that he just feels we are not compatible in liking to do the same things, which I totally disagree with. He has always been athletic and likes to play sports, but I have never had any interest in that and that's been fine. 

I have seen an attorney and I have another appointment scheduled. Is it possible to request counseling as part of the separation agreement?


----------



## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I am right there with you, specialplace. We were also at 20 years. I've heard that's a magic number of sorts for midlife crisis. I will have a couple really good days and then have to see him again and it's out the window. His reasons read more like excuses to justify what appears more to be just plain selfishness. His actions contradict his reasons, i.e., money troubles but he's the one out spending money while I only spend on household things, etc. I just wanted you to know you are not alone! He just came to get one of our kids and I know what you mean, it truly is gut wrenching to see them go off together and know you're not included. I feel your pain and so wish I didn't! Everyone keeps saying it gets easier in time but I don't even see how that's possible. Today has been four weeks since he left and it seems like every Friday now, I relive the whole damn thing and it doesn't feel much easier. I'm so tired of feeling this way. 

I agree that part of what makes it so hard is not really understanding the reasons and also feeling like they are already detached and moving on without even missing us at all. I see or think of things and immediately think, "oh, I have to tell him about that," then realize all over again that I can't. We also didn't have a bad marriage, didn't fight, etc. I even told him at one point that I could understand this if we had. He continually tells me that he just doesn't know what is wrong with him and it just is what it is, but I also heard the nothing-in-common speech and that he wants to do things with his friends. What it boils down to for me is either he's in MLC or he has OW somewhere that he's hiding really well. When I asked what he felt we no longer had in common (because I also don't feel it's true), he turned it around on me and asked what we do have in common. And that's been typical .. never really directly answers a question that I pose. He forgets what he says to me from one time to next and sometimes I wonder if he's flat out lost his marbles because some of the things that come out of his mouth are so wrong. I've read on here about rewriting history and he is certainly doing just that and all the blame is on me--he has not done anything wrong or he minimizes his own issues. 

Have you read about the 180? It's helpful. I also had to initiate no contact for my own sanity. Felt like he was trying to drive me to Crazytown with him. Believe me, I know no contact is so hard. The first two days of it, I cried almost nonstop except for when my kids were here with me. However, as weird as it sounds, it really does help in the long run because seeing or talking to him gets me so upset and keeps me in constant turmoil. My problem is he doesn't respect it much. I've also been reading here and think he might have narcissistic personality. See if that fits your STBXH. It helped me because it made me realize nothing I could've done would've been enough, well, short of idolizing his every move, which is so not me and not something I care to start. Every time I assert myself, he acts exactly like the info reads re: how a narcissist would act. It's rather enlightening and worth a look to see if it fits your situation as well. If it does, it might give you a few more pieces to the puzzle like it did for me. Hang in there. We WILL make it!


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Steps:

1. 180 with NO CONTACT for at least 30 days straight (if you break no contact, 30 days starts over)
2. Work on self (self help books and programs, TAM, etc)
3. If you feel ready, hang out with friends (including guys) and make it seem like you've moved on.
4. Get to a place of strength.
5. When you feel good and strong, proceed as you normally would in a NON-NEEDY way


----------



## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Forum, what about when there are kids involved? I started NC, or well limited contact. He contacted me yesterday about taking one of our kids. Then he came to pick our child up and I stayed away when he came to the door, but he came to find me to say he was leaving with child. Do I have to start my 30-day count over? He's usually the one to break the NC, not me. Only time I did was to let him know results of rather important doctor visit for one of our kids and I just stated the facts, nothing more. I've read a lot on NC but I'm so confused how to effectively implement it with kids involved.


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

StillRemains said:


> Forum, what about when there are kids involved? I started NC, or well limited contact. He contacted me yesterday about taking one of our kids. Then he came to pick our child up and I stayed away when he came to the door, but he came to find me to say he was leaving with child. Do I have to start my 30-day count over? He's usually the one to break the NC, not me. Only time I did was to let him know results of rather important doctor visit for one of our kids and I just stated the facts, nothing more. I've read a lot on NC but I'm so confused how to effectively implement it with kids involved.


I like to know how to do this with kids involved too. I do the same thing as you, I stay away when he comes over and I only state the facts when i have to talk to him now. Any more than that with us, gets pretty bad and I'd like to avoid that.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Is there a chance he's having an affair? Don't out rule it.
My H of 18 years had a MLC and A last year. Completely out of character And devastating for our family.

Follow the 180 as best you can. You won't be able to follow it all by the book but try and put the fundamentals into practice.
No begging, no pleading, no discussing the relationship, only discuss arrangements for the children and keep it brief and 'work like'.
Don't txt or email unless it's about the kids.
It's tough, I know, I've been there. If you fall off the wagon, pick yourself up and start again.
Always make sure you look good when he picks the kids up and act 'as if' your fine and your moving on.
Good luck honey
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I like to know how to do this with kids involved too. I do the same thing as you, I stay away when he comes over and I only state the facts when i have to talk to him now. Any more than that with us, gets pretty bad and I'd like to avoid that.


No need to stay away!
Answer the door looking confident and gorgeous. Let him wonder what's going on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

