# Wife's past



## 10mm (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm new here and have been struggling with my wife's past. We have been married for 15 months and casually while dating we always asked if either of us 'got around'. We always both said no. Well 2 weeks ago we were filling out forms for the doctor and the question came up on the form. My # was 4 and hers was 7! She had been married before me and met her exhusband in her jr year of college and she said she didnt have sex in HS. So all the rest of these men were withen her first 3 years of college. To me that is too many. Now I think she has deceived me and I'm feeling depressed and sickened by it all. I saw a counselor and have another appt tomorrow with him but I just can't get this anxiety, depression, thoughts to go away. She is terrified that I'm going to leave her. I just have a hard time even looking at her and holding her sometimes thinking about her past. It's like my perception of her changed and I married a different person. I can't get passed it. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? It's killing us both. the doc even gave me meds for the anxiety. It's just not cutting it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How old are the two of you?


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## 10mm (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm 39 she is 28.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

7 doesn't objectively sound that high tbh. I don't think you're going to find a lot of women old enough to be on their second marriage with lower numbers, or at least it's going to seriously restrict your pool. Sorry to burst your bubble.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

10mm said:


> I'm new here and have been struggling with my wife's past. We have been married for 15 months and casually while dating we always asked if either of us 'got around'. We always both said no. Well 2 weeks ago we were filling out forms for the doctor and the question came up on the form. My # was 4 and hers was 7! She had been married before me and met her exhusband in her jr year of college and she said she didnt have sex in HS. So all the rest of these men were withen her first 3 years of college. To me that is too many. Now I think she has deceived me and I'm feeling depressed and sickened by it all. I saw a counselor and have another appt tomorrow with him but I just can't get this anxiety, depression, thoughts to go away. She is terrified that I'm going to leave her. I just have a hard time even looking at her and holding her sometimes thinking about her past. It's like my perception of her changed and I married a different person. I can't get passed it. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? It's killing us both. the doc even gave me meds for the anxiety. It's just not cutting it.


Seven is not a large number! You are being harshly judgemental, and you are punishing her for a past that had absolutely nothing to do with you! Her past has made her the person that you fell in love with and married, so I suggest you continue with your counseling and learn to get a grip on yourself. I feel terrible for her that she fears losing you for something that had nothing to do with YOU or your marriage.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Seriously, what sounds so bad to you about a woman sleeping with six guys in three years of college? Four relationships of 3-6 months each plus a couple one night stands is all it would take to get to that. That sounds like pretty average college behavior to me.


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## 10mm (Oct 23, 2013)

The number is part of the issue. however, I think being truthful at the beginning would have been the honest thing to do. Not while filling out papers at the fertility specialist. I understand her past is her past. But doesn't mean I can erase thoughts of her getting around in school when the assumption was her exhusband and one prior boyfriend.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So this is her second marraige and her number is 7, meaning you, her ex and that leaves 5. I can see why she said she didn't mess around. You should have ask her in a direct manner what her number was before you married her. I wonder if she was a man if you would be this judgemental.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 10mm (Oct 23, 2013)

She said she never had a one night stand and they were all BF's.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I feel bad for both in this marriage. Bottom line is that if one or both partners feel that knowing the past of the person you are dating, then it's important. I wanted to know the pasts of the people I dated so that I knew what I was getting myself into with this person. 

Assuming that what the OP said is accurate and assuming that he started dating her right after she divorced her ex and they were exclusive, then she had sex with 6 guys in 3 years of college. That may not be excessive to some, but to others that is thought of as "getting around". Not everyone wants to marry someone that looks like a character in the show "Friends".

OP, I'd be more concerned about the big age difference between the two of you TBH, but that's a different discussion altogether.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I honestly think it's your fault for not asking her, these are things you discuss prior to marraige. So everything she has said and done prior to you knowing this, means nothing? Did she know your exact number?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 10mm (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm not married to a man or any other woman. I'm not trying to be judgmental either. I know I am. I know I can't be the only one experiencing this. I just would like to know when the anxiety will settle and I forget about this.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Did how many in the past? I saw you asked if she got around but that leaves a lot to interpretation.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There are some red flags that I'd be concerned with.

Age difference. She's already been married. Lied about her past.

If I were you I'd hold off on having kids for a few more years.

Who knows what else you're going to find out about her. 

How long did you date her?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> We have been married for 15 months and casually while dating we always asked if either of us 'got around'. We always both said no.





> That may not be excessive to some, but to others that is thought of as "getting around".





> The number is part of the issue. however, I think being truthful at the beginning would have been the honest thing to do.


If he wanted an exact number, he should have asked for an exact number, not assumed that the answer to an arguably opinion rather than fact based question would match or be lower than his number of 4. 

He was assuming they were on the same page as to what "getting around" meant, when he never qualified what -he- thought it meant.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

She didn't lie about her past, if he never asked for a number. 

He asked her an opinion based question, and their feelings as to what "getting around" meant didn't match up, and he didn't pursue finding out all the information. Why is all the onus of that on her?

Unless he did ask her for a number, and she actually lied, the problem here was poor communication, not her lying.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I also don't understand at all how she lied or misrepresented anything. She said she didn't "get around." So she had five relationships other than her marriages -- in what universe is that "getting around"?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

True. She slept with an average of 2 men per year? That's not getting around.

I stand corrected.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ask yourself this:
Why do you feel anxiety? Is this a religion issue? Do you feel insecure/jealous ? Or do you feel she was deceptive? 

If you can pinpoint what exactly is bothering you have a better shot at solving this.
Maybe marriage counseling?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

10mm said:


> I'm not married to a man or any other woman. I'm not trying to be judgmental either. I know I am. I know I can't be the only one experiencing this. I just would like to know when the anxiety will settle and I forget about this.


Well, since you are asking for help, I don't know that the anxiety will just "settle" -- I think you have to face it. Therapy would help. You need to examine what it is about this knowledge that scares you so much. You need to learn to face the fact that she existed as an independent person before she ever knew you, and that even if she loves you with all her heart now, it is perfectly normal and human that she would have had relationships with other men before you. She was looking for the right person just like you were, and hopefully you've found each other. 

What scares you about the thought of her sleeping with another man before you? Does it make you feel less important? Does it concern you that maybe you won't measure up? I think all men have these kinds of feelings to some degree, your reaction is just a bit stronger than most men. Is there something in your past that makes you more afraid of being replaced or abandoned, or of being inadequate?


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## 10mm (Oct 23, 2013)

mablenc, You pretty much nailed it. It's not as much as a religious thing as a moral thing. I Do feel deceived however, the more I read about this it appears to be jealousy as well. I'm obsessing over it for some reason. Even waking up in the middle of the night. 

I'm seeing a counselor about this. It's just me for now considering it's mostly my deal. She doesn't have a time machine. And if she did and things we're different we never would have met. Other than this issue (which for me was a grenade going off in my heart) our lives were perfect. I'm hoping time will heal this and these thoughts will slip away.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

10mm said:


> mablenc, You pretty much nailed it. It's not as much as a religious thing as a moral thing. I Do feel deceived however, the more I read about this it appears to be jealousy as well. I'm obsessing over it for some reason. Even waking up in the middle of the night.
> 
> I'm seeing a counselor about this. It's just me for now considering it's mostly my deal. She doesn't have a time machine. And if she did and things we're different we never would have met. Other than this issue (which for me was a grenade going off in my heart) our lives were perfect. I'm hoping time will heal this and these thoughts will slip away.


What do you mean by "a moral thing"? Are you against sex outside marriage altogether? Why is your number "4" more "moral" than her "7"? It's not like she was having orgies with the football team -- she dated a few guys and slept with them. Should she not have dated? I don't understand.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Why is it that men (yes I'm a guy) think that a woman who has had sex multiple times is a bad person? I'm 66. I had my share of girlfriends and ex wives and non of them were virgins and honestly I couldn't care less. I looked at from this view. If she was in a relationship with a man prior to me meeting her, I would assume she had sex with him. 

Now it's a different ballgame if I find out after were married that she in her past was making porn for a living, then it's a different story but having sex in a past relationship is no different then me because I was having sex in past relationships. 

I do have a question though. Did you know that she was married before or after you married her?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A counselor will help.This appears to be excessive insecurity on your part.

But yes, the answer is you need time to process it.

In that time frame, you should not be making babies. Is it fair to bring a child into a marriage where the husband is having doubts to a degree that endangers that marriage? NO!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

10mm said:


> mablenc, You pretty much nailed it. It's not as much as a religious thing as a moral thing. I Do feel deceived however, the more I read about this it appears to be jealousy as well. I'm obsessing over it for some reason. Even waking up in the middle of the night.
> 
> I'm seeing a counselor about this. It's just me for now considering it's mostly my deal. She doesn't have a time machine. And if she did and things we're different we never would have met. Other than this issue (which for me was a grenade going off in my heart) our lives were perfect. I'm hoping time will heal this and these thoughts will slip away.


You still haven't answered the basic question of what did you ask her? Did you ask her how many men she slept with (a number), or did you ask her if she "got around"?

C


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

10mm said:


> The number is part of the issue. however, I think being truthful at the beginning would have been the honest thing to do. Not while filling out papers at the fertility specialist. I understand her past is her past. But doesn't mean I can erase thoughts of her getting around in school when the *assumption *was her exhusband and one prior boyfriend.


She did not lie to you. You didn't ask for a specific number. You asked about "getting around" which is vague and open to interpretation. You have to accept and understand that she did not lie or deceive you.

You made an assumption which was not valid. You can't blame her for your assumption. You have to accept and understand that it was your assumption and that you were incorrect.

Your anxiety won't lessen unless you truly understand that she wasn't trying to deceive you, and she's exactly the same person that you married. 

How long have you been on the anxiety meds? It might take a while for them to kick in. Also, you might want to try Cognitive Behavior Therapy. CBT is designed to help people control their obsessive thoughts and anxiety.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

10mm, this is probably going to come out nastier then intended so I'll apologize for that in advance. I see a 39 year old man married to a 28 year old woman that's upset because she had 3 more partners than him, and what that suggests to me is that you are immature and insecure and thought that you would have some advantage in measuring up with a younger wife that had less experience. Clearly a woman your age would probably have more then that and you'd lose your mind. My hb is 19 years older then me so I don't have any issues with age differences by themselves, but one of the reasons men seek out much younger women is that they're immature and younger women are more on par emotionally. And they tend to have lower standards that are easier to measure up to. I would recommend you seek serious help for this because frankly, in your current state of mind, she'd be much better off if you left her. She'll have plenty of good prospects that won't give a rat's arse that she had 7 partners. This is so not about morality, since you've had 4 partners yourself, this is about your fear of not measuring up. I hope you can get this together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The term for this is retroactive jealousy.

Yes this does have a name.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> The term for this is retroactive jealousy.
> 
> Yes this does have a name.




Yes. Yes it does, and it can be a very difficult thing.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm thinking it's more of him assuming something that should have been talked about and now he's now a bit shaken. Considering the norm lately it's not a high number. You need to put it in perspective, you knew she wasn't a virgin, you also didn't pick her up at the corner.

Look into why you married her, what you love about her. I'm hoping you know why her first marraige failed. 

Did this situation raise red flags about her in general?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

10mm said:


> I'm not married to a man or any other woman. I'm not trying to be judgmental either. I know I am. I know I can't be the only one experiencing this. I just would like to know when the anxiety will settle and I forget about this.


I can relate to how you feel. I did ask my wife prior to marriage about her past and was lied to. Then a year ago (married 14 years together 19) she lets it come out in conversation that the wildest thing she ever did was a FFM threesome in the storage room of an American Eagle store. She worked there when I met her so this happened just before we dated.
I had thought a certain way about her for 19 years and in a moment I thought of her like a cheap sl**. Of course, I know she was entitled to do what she wanted, and I know her to be a good wife, loyal and loving, but to find out after 19 years that the craziest thing in her memory bank is something she did that happened with another man, in which I feel she was acting like a cheap sl** hurt me deeply. We had a bunch of American Eagle clothing at our home, I threw it out. She asked why I felt I needed to. I let her know why and it crushed her. I don't go to the mall with her either and she has not caught on to this. Walking past that store makes me want to throw up.
It sucks to learn how you thought of your lover and partner is actually not how they are or where, even if it is really only in your own mind. She offered to (after the kids are grown) do something crazy with me to make me feel better, I let her know she did not have to be a sl** to make me happy. I am just sad about it and always will be. People feel differently about numbers of partners, threesomes etc... We all have our own definition of a sl**. Unfortunately for me and for you, our wife's at one point in their lives fit that description. Call me what you want, I am a real person and it hurts to think of her that way. Her with his coc* in her mouth and some random girl licking her and the worst part of it all is some dude out there has this memory of my wife in his mind. Ego thing, whatever...again, I am just a man and it hurts... 
Also, she lied to me purposely and when I posted about it a while ago, I was bashed for my feelings about it. I wanted, a girl that fit MY description of a good moral girl to marry. I thought I had done that 19 years ago. I found out otherwise. Hopefully her past behavior is just that. I would not have risked it though had I known this back then. Too late now. She married what she wanted and lied to me to get what she wanted. Now I love her and have kids with her and would not leave her due to a lie from 19 years ago. I know why she lied, I just think it is a shi**y thing to do. And yes I do think less of her, always will. She knows this and when she said that it is not fair, I told her to look at our three year old daughter and imagine that she does this with a guy at 20 years old. The look on her face made me see she understood. Some think nothing of it and do much more sexually. I think woman should show more respect for themselves and simply do not agree with those people who feel differently.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How do you feel about your own number? How do you feel about your own dating and socializing? Do you feel, separate from any issues with your wife, less manly than most men?

I think your anxiety may be more about yourself than her behavior. I think you may be projecting onto her the blame for your anxiety.

If you could sit down with her and ask her anything, what would it be?

Do you have mind movies of her with these unknown men?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> We all have our own definition of a sl**. Unfortunately for me and for you, our wife's at one point in their lives fit that description.


Wow, you just called the OP's wife a sl*t. A 29 year old woman who had 7 partners, all in the context of a relationship or marriage, does not make her a sl*t. You calling her a sl*t and thinking she's a sl*t does not make her a sl*t, but it is highly offensive.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

noguts, I can relate to your story quite a bit. I think a big part of the issue for me is not feeling like I am her fantasy. She did all these things with other men but cannot even imagine doing them with me. As if I am merely the financial provider she needed in order to have the lifestyle she wanted.

For me, though, the lies are becoming enough for me to be on the brink of D. More and more is coming to light about her mindset being comfortable with lies and deceptions to get what she wants. Which is a real slam on me because she has no real regard for my welfare. She cares to the extent she can get and keep what she wants, but if it comes to crunch time she is willing to use deception.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Thor said:


> noguts, I can relate to your story quite a bit. I think a big part of the issue for me is not feeling like I am her fantasy. She did all these things with other men but cannot even imagine doing them with me. As if I am merely the financial provider she needed in order to have the lifestyle she wanted.


That's one way to think of it, but another way might be "she was young and impulsive at the time and did something crazy." Did noguts's wife want to repeat the experience? In your mind and his mind it's getting blown up into being the peak of her entire sexual life -- you're picturing her in some kind of porno-style ecstasy. How do you know that's really what it was? Maybe it was just a cheap thrill, something to feel daring, something she never wanted to do again.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

norajane said:


> Wow, you just called the OP's wife a sl*t. A 29 year old woman who had 7 partners, all in the context of a relationship or marriage, does not make her a sl*t. You calling her a sl*t and thinking she's a sl*t does not make her a sl*t, but it is highly offensive.


It matters what he thinks not what you think. he feels this number is telling of her moral behavior. **** is used to sum up a person who uses sex for recreation and does not think of it as sacred between 2 that are in love. You are trying to say I am being mean to his wife or to him and I am not. You are judging me and changing what I am saying. I do not think 7 is a high number at all for her age and circumstance, but he does and that is what really matters. Come off your high horse.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Thor said:


> noguts, I can relate to your story quite a bit. I think a big part of the issue for me is not feeling like I am her fantasy. She did all these things with other men but cannot even imagine doing them with me. As if I am merely the financial provider she needed in order to have the lifestyle she wanted.
> 
> For me, though, the lies are becoming enough for me to be on the brink of D. More and more is coming to light about her mindset being comfortable with lies and deceptions to get what she wants. Which is a real slam on me because she has no real regard for my welfare. She cares to the extent she can get and keep what she wants, but if it comes to crunch time she is willing to use deception.


Sorry man. Sucks to find out you are being used.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> It matters what he thinks not what you think. he feels this number is telling of her moral behavior. **** is used to sum up a person who uses sex for recreation and does not think of it as sacred between 2 that are in love. You are trying to say I am being mean to his wife or to him and I am not. You are judging me and changing what I am saying. I do not think 7 is a high number at all for her age and circumstance, but he does and that is what really matters. Come off your high horse.


The OP never called his wife a sl*t. You did.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I've got to be honest, I think I'd prefer to be divorced than to be "thought less of" every day by my husband, because of a bad decision I made nearly 20 years ago (of course, I'm 30, so ...)

(And yeah, sleeping with co-workers at your place of employment is a universally bad decision, not on some sexual moral level, but just on the common sense level. Also was that on boxes of clothes other people then bought? Gross.) 

Worse is to know that he's going on the internet telling randoms about how I'm such a sl*t. Ouch.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> **** is used to sum up a person who uses sex for recreation and does not think of it as sacred between 2 that are in love.


So, were you a virgin when you got married, Noguts? Or was your sex always "sacred"?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

norajane said:


> The OP never called his wife a sl*t. You did.


He thinks she slept with too many men prior to him. **** would be the appropriate singular word to use to universally describe this behavior. Sorry if it pushes a button for you. Not my intent at all. I will change **** from here on out to a woman that spreads her legs for every man she dates in college. Better?


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I think you may feel deceived op but I don't think you wife actually deceived you, it sounds like you had different definitions getting around (which is no more her fault than it is yours).


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> He thinks she slept with too many men prior to him. **** would be the appropriate singular word to use to universally describe this behavior. Sorry if it pushes a button for you. Not my intent at all. *I will change **** from here on out to a woman that spreads her legs for every man she dates in college*. Better?


She slept with 5 men in college, don't know what college you went to but most have more than 5 men.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> So, were you a virgin when you got married, Noguts? Or was your sex always "sacred"?


I was not a virgin. I am of the belief that with sex comes consequences and responsibility and it should be between two people that can handle what can occur. (pregnancy, disease) 
So I never had sex with a woman I did not feel genuine love for. not religious so the virgin portion never meant a whole lot to me. Had the opportunity for a lot more sex then I took advantage of for this reason, and do not regret it at all. Just wish I had been given the opportunity to marry someone who was of the same mindset. My wife played like she was but her actions proved otherwise.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TiggyBlue said:


> She slept with 5 men in college, don't know what college you went to but most have more than 5 men.


Yeah, I said boyfriends, not men.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> He thinks she slept with too many men prior to him. **** would be the appropriate singular word to use to universally describe this behavior. Sorry if it pushes a button for you. Not my intent at all. I will change **** from here on out to a woman that spreads her legs for every man she dates in college. Better?


No, using different terminology to insult and shame women because they have had sex is not better.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

John Lee said:


> That's one way to think of it, but another way might be "she was young and impulsive at the time and did something crazy." Did noguts's wife want to repeat the experience? In your mind and his mind it's getting blown up into being the peak of her entire sexual life -- you're picturing her in some kind of porno-style ecstasy. How do you know that's really what it was? Maybe it was just a cheap thrill, something to feel daring, something she never wanted to do again.


In my case it wasn't 3-somes (that I know of). It was on the beach, in the car, under the stars. Swallowing. In the back room at a party.

I got a little bit of that at first while dating, but not much.

In some ways my situation is different than noguts'. I knew much but not all of my wife's past. She left out some of the tidbits which have been sort of the icing on the cake as far as emphasizing how differently she has behaved in our marriage than when she was single.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Yeah, I said boyfriends, not men.


You said 




> Not my intent at all. I will change **** from here on out to a woman that spreads her legs for every man she dates in college. Better?


That's what I was responding to, nothing to do with the OP's wife and just changing insults.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I've got to be honest, I think I'd prefer to be divorced than to be "thought less of" every day by my husband, because of a bad decision I made nearly 20 years ago (of course, I'm 30, so ...)
> 
> (And yeah, sleeping with co-workers at your place of employment is a universally bad decision, not on some sexual moral level, but just on the common sense level. Also was that on boxes of clothes other people then bought? Gross.)
> 
> Worse is to know that he's going on the internet telling randoms about how I'm such a sl*t. Ouch.


as a wife and mother i love her deeply. She lied to me on purpose to keep me from using my belief system against her. She knew how I felt and decided to lie. Not sure where you live but where i live, when you lie and are caught, those you lied to think less of you. So being you are only 30. Don't lie about your past. Embrace it and be with someone of like mind and you can avoid this type of thing.
For what it is worth I have not and will not bring this up to my wife again. I love her and the past is NOW the past. I get to have private sad moments and an occasional mind movie that suck to have. I live with it quietly. I have not lied, I have done nothing dishonest, I live with the punishment. Her punishment is my not allowing anything from American Eagle in my home again.
I am sure when she sees me leave the room when a threesome is talked about on TV she know why. Not my fault.
Also not my fault she decided to marry a guy who thinks that people engaging in this are acting like ****s. she knew, she lied, and it is not like I am out here talking about who I am or who she is. My beliefs have been the same about this since I was a teenager. I hold no fault in feeling as I do about the topic.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> I've got to be honest, I think I'd prefer to be divorced than to be "thought less of" every day by my husband, because of a bad decision I made nearly 20 years ago (of course, I'm 30, so ...)


The only issue I have is that the OP believes he was intentionally misled by his wife. I am still on the fence as to whether she intentionally lied to him about her past, or if she thought the conversation was adequate disclosure from both sides.

If she intentionally lied, yeah I would think less of her to find out later she did all kinds of things she lied about. But if she were openly honest to begin with, there is no reason to think less of her later on. One cannot accept a person's past but then years later punish them for it.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So, who are you to say Noguts that the OPs wife didn't genuinely feel in love with those men she dated and slept with? Only she could really answer the question of how she felt about them. 

I mean, I get it, your wife lied about her American Eagle threesome, but that does not indeed, make any other woman who sleeps with a college boyfriend a "sl*t spreading her legs" - and seriously, why are you still married to this woman you resent so much?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

John Lee said:


> That's one way to think of it, but another way might be "she was young and impulsive at the time and did something crazy." Did noguts's wife want to repeat the experience? In your mind and his mind it's getting blown up into being the peak of her entire sexual life -- you're picturing her in some kind of porno-style ecstasy. How do you know that's really what it was? Maybe it was just a cheap thrill, something to feel daring, something she never wanted to do again.


actually for me it is seeing her as being used like a cheap *****.
She may have done it for fun or been convinced to, i don't really care. May have been the greatest thing in her world, maybe not.
It is in her words the craziest thing sexually she had ever done. To the date I heard that, I had thought some things we have done were at the top of that list.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

10mm said:


> I'm new here and have been struggling with my wife's past. We have been married for 15 months and casually while dating we always asked if either of us 'got around'. We always both said no. Well 2 weeks ago we were filling out forms for the doctor and the question came up on the form. My # was 4 and hers was 7! She had been married before me and met her exhusband in her jr year of college and she said she didnt have sex in HS. So all the rest of these men were withen her first 3 years of college. To me that is too many. Now I think she has deceived me and I'm feeling depressed and sickened by it all. I saw a counselor and have another appt tomorrow with him but I just can't get this anxiety, depression, thoughts to go away. She is terrified that I'm going to leave her. I just have a hard time even looking at her and holding her sometimes thinking about her past. It's like my perception of her changed and I married a different person. I can't get passed it. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? It's killing us both. the doc even gave me meds for the anxiety. It's just not cutting it.


Not worth your time to think about this stuff, move on! The # indicated is average and in no way would I consider that a red flag.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> So, who are you to say Noguts that the OPs wife didn't genuinely feel in love with those men she dated and slept with? Only she could really answer the question of how she felt about them.
> 
> I mean, I get it, your wife lied about her American Eagle threesome, but that does not indeed, make any other woman who sleeps with a college boyfriend a "sl*t spreading her legs" - and seriously, why are you still married to this woman you resent so much?


I do not see it at this point as even close to a deal breaker for our marriage. Too much good and too many years of her proving her loyalty to me and our marriage to throw it away. Again, I do not think she is a sl*t today. I think she acted as one at one time and I now have a mind movie that really sucks to have. I love her deeply but I am able to seperate the two things, where some of you see it as I feel one way about sex and her past so I think the same about her as my wife and the mother of my children. You are wrong, sorry. 
I also stated I do not agree with OP that given their ages that I thought his W's number was high. He clearly does. He feels she was spreading it too much and this has hurt him. He has a right to feel this way. Just as you and I have a right to feel as we do. Why it is so hard for others to let people see things differently then they do I will never understand. This is not a political debate in which the winner gets to define right from wrong. This is a board of those who feel differently expressing our opinions. Do I think his W is a ****? no. Does he currently think of her as a ****? no, I doubt it. Does her number make him think at one point she was easy,(ie. a ****) yes it is my belief that he does feel this way.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> So, who are you to say Noguts that the OPs wife didn't genuinely feel in love with those men she dated and slept with? Only she could really answer the question of how she felt about them.
> 
> I mean, I get it, your wife lied about her American Eagle threesome, but that does not indeed, make any other woman who sleeps with a college boyfriend a "sl*t spreading her legs" - and seriously, why are you still married to this woman you resent so much?


I resent being lied to 19 years ago. I am over it. I reference it only for the OP. I have to deal with it internally from time to time as their are triggers for my thoughts that do occur. My wife is wonderful and I love her, I do not resent her today. I was very hurt to have a rewrite of her history occur and realize I was lied to, so she could keep me 19 years ago. I am glad she did lie for what it is worth. I love her more than life, I love my 2 kids with all that I am and I would not trade that for anything. Probably would not have kept her back then had I known. Does not change the fact that I learned something that hurt me deeply. Does not change the fact I was lied to.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Why it is so hard for others to let people see things differently then they do I will never understand.


That was the key problem here - the OP and his wife had different definitions of what "getting around" meant. He figured it meant one thing, and she another. Neither of them then pursued the conversation further to make sure the other person was understanding them properly. 

That's ultimately the problem here. He is free to feel and was free to feel as he likes, naturally. But - he made an assumption without clarifying. So either, he can do as you have done and separate the past from the reality of how his wife has been loyal and a god companion to him, or he can't. 

But using all this imagery and labeling about wife "spreading it" or being a sl*t doesn't change the fact that the OP needs to own part of this problem himself by working off an assumption, rather than looking for more information.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

The OP was not misled IMHO unless he asked for a specific number and/or what type of experiences she had and she lied outright about her past. However, there is nothing wrong with a man or a woman having certain standards and expectations for the person they are to marry. I only had 2 partners in my life. That doesn't mean I didn't have A LOT of sex in my past, but that is my number - with my wife being my 2nd. My wife has an experience level equivalent to mine. 

For me, I would want to marry a woman who was on an equal footing with me, slightly more experienced or less experienced. That is what my expectations were. There is nothing wrong with that. While we have no idea if the OP was deceived or not because he hasn't stated yet if he asked for specifics or not, for those in this thread that were deceived outright by their spouse I feel badly for you. It comes down to honesty and trust. If your spouse could not think enough of you to be honest with his/her sexual past (assuming it was important for you to know), then that is a HUGE slap to the face that I would not blame anyone for divorcing over. Building a marriage on a lie is a terrible thing.

To noguts: you're being rather passive/aggressive about your interactions with your wife. The "suffer in silence" mentality is bullsh!t. All you will do is build up enough resentment to where your view of her will continue to degrade. It needs to be discussed and thoroughly explored between the two of you. If you haven't had your official "reckoning" on your sexual pasts, you need to do it now and deal with it once and for all. It's the only way things will fully heal between the two of you. JMHO.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> I resent being lied to 19 years ago. I am over it. I reference it only for the OP. I have to deal with it internally from time to time as their are triggers for my thoughts that do occur. My wife is wonderful and I love her, I do not resent her today. I was very hurt to have a rewrite of her history occur and realize I was lied to, so she could keep me 19 years ago. I am glad she did lie for what it is worth. I love her more than life, I love my 2 kids with all that I am and I would not trade that for anything. Probably would not have kept her back then had I known. Does not change the fact that I learned something that hurt me deeply. Does not change the fact I was lied to.


And yet your impossibly high standards kind of put her in a bind -- you admit that if she had told you the truth about this one single very old mistake, you probably wouldn't have kept her. I understand that you resent being lied to, but it also seems to me like you are demanding an unrealistic standard of purity from your mate.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Sl*t?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

John Lee said:


> And yet your impossibly high standards kind of put her in a bind -- you admit that if she had told you the truth about this one single very old mistake, you probably wouldn't have kept her. I understand that you resent being lied to, but it also seems to me like you are demanding an unrealistic standard of purity from your mate.


at the time we had been dating just a bit when I asked of her past and asked specifically about multiple partners at the same time as for me it was a no way, not interested kind of thing.
and not wanting to be intimate with a person who was having oral performed on them by the same sex and was giving oral to her then boyfriend in the stock room of a mall all at the same time, is not an unrealistic standard.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The OP was not misled IMHO unless he asked for a specific number and/or what type of experiences she had and she lied outright about her past. However, there is nothing wrong with a man or a woman having certain standards and expectations for the person they are to marry. I only had 2 partners in my life. That doesn't mean I didn't have A LOT of sex in my past, but that is my number - with my wife being my 2nd. My wife has an experience level equivalent to mine.
> 
> For me, I would want to marry a woman who was on an equal footing with me, slightly more experienced or less experienced. That is what my expectations were. There is nothing wrong with that. While we have no idea if the OP was deceived or not because he hasn't stated yet if he asked for specifics or not, for those in this thread that were deceived outright by their spouse I feel badly for you. It comes down to honesty and trust. If your spouse could not think enough of you to be honest with his/her sexual past (assuming it was important for you to know), then that is a HUGE slap to the face that I would not blame anyone for divorcing over. Building a marriage on a lie is a terrible thing.
> 
> To noguts: you're being rather passive/aggressive about your interactions with your wife. The "suffer in silence" mentality is bullsh!t. All you will do is build up enough resentment to where your view of her will continue to degrade. It needs to be discussed and thoroughly explored between the two of you. If you haven't had your official "reckoning" on your sexual pasts, you need to do it now and deal with it once and for all. It's the only way things will fully heal between the two of you. JMHO.


when the images make you sick to your stomach and you love her and do not want to stop the relationship. Suffering in silence is really all I can do. We talked about it to death, and she is sorry for lying and very sorry I am hurt, but there is no conclusion to this other than to drop it. Talking more about it will not change anything from her side nor mine. She knows why I leave the room when a threesome comes up on t.v. She is sorry. I do not plan on rubbing it in her face. I walk away when I know there is sadness on my face. I am happy to take a suggestion. Something other than just calling me passive aggressive would be kind. i knew 19 years ago that the images of my girl doing those kinds of things would really bother me and that is why it was a rule of mine when searching for a partner. What else am I supposed to do? For the record I never once called her a bad name, she knows how I feel about woman that use sex for anything other than true love. She let it slip out (I personally assume out of guilt she has carried all these years) and now I either accept it or leave her. I choose to accept and stay, but that does not make it not hurt or go away. Ask those that Got back with a cheating partner. Sure they stayed but the hurt never leaves, there will always be a trigger and pain to follow. It is not passive aggressive on the part of the betrayed spouse, it is their new reality, this is mine.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Retroactive Jealousy sucks donkey balls


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Have not read the other post. My feeling is that people should be honest about their past experiences if asked. She made a crucial error getting involved with a man who was very clear about what he wanted. 

I think she should think about D now. She is still young and can easily meet a man who will love her and whom she can love. 

It is as big an error for her to stay in a marriage with someone like you. She can look forwards to decades of being plagued by this. 

You have a right to choose. Your wife has a right to be loved and your child has a right to grow up in a household where his/her mother is respected and loved. 

You are not compatible so let her go. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

10mm said:


> I can't get passed it. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? It's killing us both. the doc even gave me meds for the anxiety. It's just not cutting it.


There has been some really good posting from personal experience here. Its amazing how people can dig deep and explain themselves. HA ha even some of the friction brings out the best insights.

10mm, I'm sure you have an answer to this question by now. Its more common than you knew.

Some guys find their wife's past a turn on, others feel de-throned by it, others disappointed (perhaps deceived depending).

I think there is a impetus to fully posses our mate that comes from very deep within the animal brain. The part of the brain that we cannot directly communicate with.

You know yourself and you knew what it would be hard for you to live with.

This is not a sign of weakness AT ALL!!


Its just who you are, and there are many men who would feel the same.

You moral conscience is housed in a part of the brain that you can communicate with, and so your norms and standards are articulated therein, but they are also informed by this hardwiring in your animal brain.

The two are in conflict with the reality of your situation and with each other, as thought versus instinct.

You probably will not be able to change the animal hardwiring, and you should not have to change your standards.

So you are stuck with it. You are being sensible, sound, and rational in your thoughts.


I can only offer this. It maybe be a little helpful to identify, isolate and *objectify* the emotion of the conflict, based on its origin in the animal brain and detach from it. That is, recognize that "I feel my feelings but my feelings are not me, I know where they originate from and I choose differently"

You have every right to be disappointed in your wife if this is how you feel, its how you are wired, even if she did not deceive you, however you have no right to blame her if there was no intention to deceive, obviously.

Sometimes woman have a drive for validation by feeling edgy, sexy, $lutty. Unfortunately some young woman (early teens on up) who are not ready for a physical relationship, seek one out for this very reason.

Sometimes perhaps (IDK) like NGNG's wife they make a choice earlier in life that they would not feel the need to repeat now. Not because they did it already but because they are in a different place with their self concept.


A man can knowingly marry a former escort/biggest Wh0re in town type woman and be deeply hurt if she cheats on him, and not much differently then when one of two people who have never been with someone else cheats.

You were ok with a smaller number.
It sounds like your wife wanted/needed a romantic interest, and would be involved physically with whomever that is. 

If the relationship did not work out she simply moved on. 

But she moved on to you, and ostensibly found a lasting relationship in your arms. I'm sure that is a very precious thing to her.

I am not telling you to feel differently (hopefully I made that point) but to be desired by someone who loves us, and love them back, is a very precious thing.

Resolve the issue of any deception, but do not confound that with your feelings about your wife's past sexual history.
They are not the same, so keep them and your feelings about them separated.

So what about her past and your feelings about it...

Objectify and compartmentalize! Something's don't deserve to see the light of day, and if you know why you are doing it, then it will not harm you.
and make a point to build some really good memories together from here on !!!!

Some may call it psychobabble, but in the end its all you got.

I wish you well,
take care!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Have not read the other post. My feeling is that every should be honest about their past experiences if asked. She made a crical error getting involved with a man who would not cherish her. I think she should think about D now. She is still young and can easily meet a man who will love her and whom she can love.
> 
> It is as big an error for her to stay in a marriage with someone like you. She can look forwards to decades of being plagued by you. You have a right to choose. She has a right to be loved. You are not compatible with her. Let her go and find some who has had sex with 4 men and not two extra ones.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this is well put, and it may come to this if the two of you cannot resolve this (then you both deserve better), but I think "decades" is still a ways off.

But it is clear 10mm that if it works out it will be because you have made some kind of adjustment and peace with it. That is assuming that she gives you the appropriate support.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

It's baaaaack...........


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Well I've only had 4 relationships and was with only one girl in college and even I think 7 is a lowish number. Heck, I know a woman who went through at least that many men within a month of her divorce.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> It's baaaaack...........


Yep, and I think I'm staying away from this one...not really feeling like the triggers right now...


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Yep, and I think I'm staying away from this one...not really feeling like the triggers right now...


I'm with ya on that one. But, I always feel compelled to read on. 'Like the tongue when it constantly finds the decaying tooth'. That is a paraphrasing from a Clive Barker short story. I didn't have the exact quote.


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## miraa (Sep 12, 2013)

+1 for the confusing mix of jealousy and..something else


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

For your next relationship, get to know the person before you tell them about your beliefs. That way you make sure they don't do new math to fit into your definition of goodness of fit. 

It might also help to find someone in your age group. Counts have gone up for women who are now in their 20's. It is not the same as 15 or more yrs ago when you were in your 20's. 

Women in your age group may have suppressed their sexuality to conform to the rules of that era. Many women are making their own rules now. 

I read something that rings true - Everybody does terrible things in their lives or they think about doing terrible things. It's highly unlikely that a man who is almost 40 years-old has led a blameless life. 

Part of you problem may be that you have been deceptive, lied, stolen or cheated in your life. Acknowledging that may help to temper your justified devastation over this. 

This does not change my advice to release her from the nightmare she created.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

There does seem to be an influx of RJ posts lately. I was raging last week because of it but this week I have comparmentalized and looking forward to spending quality time with the wife this weekend. 

28 years later it is just as raw today as it was then. The difference between 10mm and I is that his SO seemed to have little or no emotional attachment with these guys except her XS. If my wife had a one nighter I never would have thought about it again.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

10mm said:


> mablenc, You pretty much nailed it. It's not as much as a religious thing as a moral thing. I Do feel deceived however, the more I read about this it appears to be jealousy as well. I'm obsessing over it for some reason. Even waking up in the middle of the night.
> 
> I'm seeing a counselor about this. It's just me for now considering it's mostly my deal. She doesn't have a time machine. And if she did and things we're different we never would have met. Other than this issue (which for me was a grenade going off in my heart) our lives were perfect. I'm hoping time will heal this and these thoughts will slip away.


There was no deception.

You asked a subjective question. As others have already said she is 28, divorced when you met her.

Her carpet is no longer going to have that new carpet smell. 6 people before your for her age is not an excessive number.

You did not have the balls to ask a direct answer. You got the level of answer that you asked. Nothing more or less.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

theroad said:


> Her carpet is no longer going to have that new carpet smell.




:rofl:

I thought I was wasting my time reading this thread until I saw this. I have never heard that one before...


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

*Re: Re: Wife's past*



10mm said:


> I'm new here and have been struggling with my wife's past. We have been married for 15 months and casually while dating we always asked if either of us 'got around'. We always both said no. Well 2 weeks ago we were filling out forms for the doctor and the question came up on the form. My # was 4 and hers was 7! She had been married before me and met her exhusband in her jr year of college and she said she didnt have sex in HS. So all the rest of these men were withen her first 3 years of college. To me that is too many. Now I think she has deceived me and I'm feeling depressed and sickened by it all. I saw a counselor and have another appt tomorrow with him but I just can't get this anxiety, depression, thoughts to go away. She is terrified that I'm going to leave her. I just have a hard time even looking at her and holding her sometimes thinking about her past. It's like my perception of her changed and I married a different person. I can't get passed it. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? It's killing us both. the doc even gave me meds for the anxiety. It's just not cutting it.


You weren't a part of her life then so why does it matter? She cares about you now and has done something for you that she didn't do for the rest. She promised you that no one else is going to get to sleep with her, ever again. You're so good all around that she stopped with you. That means you're it. You're the best for her all around. 

The number is just a number bro. It still feels the same right? When you didn't know before you loved it. So knowing it now shouldn't matter. 

I always hate telling my number (70ish) because people can be judgemental as all hell. When I met my most recent ex and she told me her number was around 30 I didn't even balk at it. Who am I to judge? I've obviously slept around a lot so why can't any of the women I meet have done the same? 

Take the same approach. It's was just sex back then. Now that you're married it's something more. Find comfort in that.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

10mm said:


> The number is part of the issue. however, I think being truthful at the beginning would have been the honest thing to do. Not while filling out papers at the fertility specialist. I understand her past is her past. But doesn't mean I can erase thoughts of her getting around in school when the assumption was her exhusband and one prior boyfriend.


10mm this is your first mistake You made the assumption

The number for HER was not an issue


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I wonder if you think she is in a different category than you are?

Also, why did the doc ask the question? I've never been asked anything like that by a doc, nor has my wife as far as I know.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

My wife didn't have to ask if I had many sex partners before we met. It was well known. It wasn't an issue to her. I did ask her how many partners she had before me and she was very willing to tell me. It wouldn't have mattered if she had said 2 or 20 but I figured it was something worth knowing for the future. OP you didn't ask for a specific number so your wife was truthful with you. And frankly its not that high of a number. I guess my question is why does it bother you so much?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

bfree said:


> My wife didn't have to ask if I had many sex partners before we met. It was well known. It wasn't an issue to her. I did ask her how many partners she had before me and she was very willing to tell me. It wouldn't have mattered if she had said 2 or 20 but I figured it was something worth knowing for the future. OP you didn't ask for a specific number so your wife was truthful with you. And frankly its not that high of a number. I guess my question is why does it bother you so much?


I'm curious, what did you plan to do with the info in the future? 

I'm married so I'm not dealing with this. However, if I ever have to date again, I would dump a man who felt my number was important to him because I would not respect him. 

If men are free to have 100's of partners, where do those women go? They don't disappear from the wife pool, they become someone's wife. The law of averages says that he is likely to marry a woman with high numbers and never find out. 

I don't understand why a woman would even bother with such a man if she does not fit his picture of what he wants?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I'm curious, what did you plan to do with the info in the future?
> 
> I'm married so I'm not dealing with this. However, if I ever have to date again, I would dump a man who felt my number was important to him because I would not respect him.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

A woman shouldn't lie if asked. Those that lie have to worry about their "secret" being discovered and causing problems later in the marriage. There are guys that don't care, marry one of them.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Thor said:


> Also, why did the doc ask the question? I've never been asked anything like that by a doc, nor has my wife as far as I know.


It's a standard question on forms at the ob/gyn office. They also ask how many partners you've had in the past year.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

It's telling that a man isn't asked his number of partners at the doctor's office. Medical double standards are still intact?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

TikiKeen said:


> It's telling that a man isn't asked his number of partners at the doctor's office. Medical double standards are still intact?


I think you're looking for outrage.

The OP did say that they were both asked the same question.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I'm curious, what did you plan to do with the info in the future?
> 
> I'm married so I'm not dealing with this. However, if I ever have to date again, I would dump a man who felt my number was important to him because I would not respect him.
> 
> ...


I guess I asked because I did not want there to be any secrets between us. No lies and nothing unspoken. Plus I wanted to know as much about her as possible just as she wanted to know as much about me as possible. Frankly it wasn't a big deal to me either way. No more than she liked vanilla ice cream and didn't like carmel.

And if you think about it it is better to know than not know. If my wife didn't know about my sexual past and we happened to meet with someone who knew of my past it might come as a shock whether she initially cared or not. Better to have complete and total transparency and honesty so that there are no questions going forward.


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