# D Papers Served -- Last ditch effort to Save Marriage



## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Well he was served with the final divorce papers on Friday. And he plans to have them signed and back at the attorney's office on Tuesday. With that said we could be done and out in as little as 2 weeks. Well after I found this out the old panic set in and I back slid in a last ditch effort to save our marriage - or whatever you call it at this point.

I texted him - because he won't speak with me on the phone or in person - and asked him to try a few marriage counseling sessions. Of course he said No. Why would he say anything else?? To which I informed him that he was deep in the affair fog and if she was out of the picture we may actually have a chance to restore things.

I just ended up getting my own feelings hurt because this is what he threw at me:

-I don't want to be married to you. I will never come back to you. You need to get that through your head.
-Tryst or no tryst she has nothing to do with this - I don't want to be married to you.
-I love you as a friend but not in a marriage sense.
-I only stayed these past few years for our daughter and said I love you because it was what I needed to say to get you off of my back.

This spewing was in response to me telling him that I was going to contact her family and friends and let them know that she destroyed or at least aided in the destruction of my family.

He was telling me I was his soul in the fall right before he met her. So its still hard to believe. But I guess I better get out of the damn denial because the divorce bus is coming.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say our marriage is pretty much dead. Still in shock that after 14 years this is how I get treated by this *******.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I know it is hard, but I would look at his clear rejection as a gift. Limbo is far, far worse and it can drag on for years and years.

He is such a troubled soul. He is an alcoholic and who knows whether he is or is not using drugs but I vote he has fallen into that too.

He is obviously massively re-writing marital history. He is surrounded by people who act like a cult. He is isolated in so many ways from his old life. He really sounds in every way like a different person.

I know that my denial (if I were you) would be many feet deep. To have someone just wake up one day and do all the bizarre things he has done, I'm sure I could convince myself the nightmare would end any minute now. It's just beyond comprehension. It's like he had a mental break. In many ways, the affair was the more logical of the many strange things he has done.

I am so sorry, I wish there was a way to give you more support. Life takes many twists and turns and maybe one day he will hit a rock bottom, clean himself up and realize what he lost. But you cannot live your life assuming that is even a remote possibility. I am so sorry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> Well he was served with the final divorce papers on Friday. And he plans to have them signed and back at the attorney's office on Tuesday. With that said we could be done and out in as little as 2 weeks. Well after I found this out the old panic set in and I back slid in a last ditch effort to save our marriage - or whatever you call it at this point.
> 
> I texted him - because he won't speak with me on the phone or in person - and asked him to try a few marriage counseling sessions. Of course he said No. Why would he say anything else?? To which I informed him that he was deep in the affair fog and if she was out of the picture we may actually have a chance to restore things.
> 
> ...


He is a bloody idiot.

In the fog? *I should cocoa! 

*That's a bit of old British rhyming slang, as used by my late grandmother.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I'm very sorry too. I hope he wakes up one day but he does sound like he's very deep in the A fog.

I'd go very dark and focus on your healing. Good luck to you.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

He is a totally different person. I think that is the part that is making me feel so damn crazy. I have to wonder if my whole marriage was a sham. It's so strange.

Surprisingly when he spewed his fog babble at me this time I wasn't as hurt as I would have been even a few weeks ago. So I think I am heading towards recovery. And I do think powering forward to the divorce is the best possible thing I can do. It's just still surreal because things fell apart so quickly.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> This spewing was in response to me telling him that I was going to contact her family and friends and let them know that she destroyed or at least aided in the destruction of my family.


Dunno that it matters at this point, but the general rule for exposure is _not_ to tell your cheating spouse that you will expose the affair. That way they can't do any damage-control.

In your case, your husband sounds like an uncaring d'bag. That the divorce and loss of his marriage has not snapped him out of the "fog" suggests that he may very well _not_ care anymore. 

But assuming that it _is_ a fog, when his relationship with the other woman goes south (as I'm sure it will), it is _very_ likely that he will turn back to you and try and wiggle his way back into your life. Will you take him back at that point? Will you have moved on?

It's great that you feel you are starting to recover. If you linger on doubts and memories, you will never be able to move on with your life. But you need to be prepared, in case he tries to commandeer your life again. I think it's best to move on. You will hear differing opinions on the matter, but I feel that reconciling with a cheater is a waste of precious time. Moving on with your life is the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter.

Stop texting him. I'd say it's best if you stop contacting him _altogether_, but since you share a child, keep your contact with him about your daughter and _only_ your daughter. Don't worry about him or his affair partner. Don't try to convince him to go to counseling, and don't ask him for anything, _period_. He chose to stray, and you need to stand on your own feet from now on. Divorcing him from your life is absolutely vital for moving forward, and you can't do that if you are still trying to make amends with him.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Excellent Advice on all points J. And I agree. At this point I don't know that this is a fog. I believe that he really and truly just doesn't care anymore.

I'm sort of surprised at the degree in which he traded down. I am a successful 32 year old woman, attractive, put together - really bright future on all accounts. We have a beautiful 12 year old daughter who is a top performer in school at the arts. This woman is in her late 30's and has never worked. She is a SAHM, with 3 children. The oldest child is mentally handicapped, the middle child knows more about natural destruction than any other kid his age (her words), and the youngest has a speech impediment. And she lives in a single wide in rural North Carolina where she is a belly dancer. Most likely living on government assistance from what I can tell. I guess I'm a little baffled by his choice of affair partner considering she was also married and has since left her husband for mine.

I'm honestly not even sure why I tried to communicate with him. I almost think its more about a sense of failure then wanting to fix the marriage. I am really successful in my life and I don't ever give up. Literally, I keep getting back in the ring and fighting for what I want. I guess in way I feel like I am losing to less of a woman. Does that make sense? I know it's terrible to feel that way but this type of woman would never stand a chance against me in any other realm. I don't generally judge people - I really don't - but this woman really is a bottom feeder. 

I have been reading a book called Codependent No More and I can see many of my behaviors in this book in regards to my marriage. The book basically says that it's in my power to change my own behavior. And at this point it's perfectly clear that this repeated pattern is NOT working for me or anybody else. But it is a huge challenge for me to change my pattern of behavior. I never give up and I never lose. This has served me well in my life but obviously I need to learn to let go. I am struggling with the "letting go" in a sense that it makes me feel defeated. I keep telling myself "what are you really losing?". But I still feel as though I have failed by not saving my marriage.

Would I take him back? I hope not. I really think I need to get myself strong enough to make that a firm NO because I deserve so much better on all accounts. I think if I can reclaim my autonomy and independence I will be flying. The old me would have kicked his ass to the curb without a second thought.

I think too much. I analyze too much. I rescue too much. Now tell me how in the hell do I start rescuing myself?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> I think too much. I analyze too much. I rescue too much. Now tell me how in the hell do I start rescuing myself?


And that right there, is the million dollar question 

I'm right there with ya. Filing for D. Codependent tendencies. Very scared. Moving out in a couple of weeks. 

Eh, nothing left to do but jump right in the fire I guess.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Unsure2621 said:


> I think too much. I analyze too much. I rescue too much. Now tell me how in the hell do I start rescuing myself?


I suffer from the same problem. I think far too much. I analyze everything, then I re-analyze it, then I disect my analysis of my analysis. It can't be healthy. lol.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unsure2621 said:


> I just ended up getting my own feelings hurt because this is what he threw at me:
> 
> *-I don't want to be married to you. I will never come back to you. You need to get that through your head.
> -Tryst or no tryst she has nothing to do with this - I don't want to be married to you.
> ...


Ouch. That's pretty awful. 

There is nothing to save here, dear. I know it sucks and you hurt, but he is done. It's clear from his words and his actions. And might I add, he sounds like a jerk. Just his choice of words...say a lot about him. He could have handled that more tactfully but he basically threw you under the bus and used some pretty awful words. Things one should not ever say to anyone. Sorry.

Please start disentagling yourself from him by going No Contact. Let him have his divorce. One day you will see he did you a huge favor. I wouldn't even want to speak with anyone who would say such mean things to me like that. Respect Do NOT contact him again grovelling. It's making you look bad and you are worth more than begging someone to stay with you. Respect yoursel fand fall back. Let go.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I suffer from the same problem. I think far too much. I analyze everything, then I re-analyze it, then I disect my analysis of my analysis. It can't be healthy. lol.


Then do you analyze the analysis of the disected analysis???

I do....makes me second guess anything I try to make a decision on :scratchhead:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

vi_bride04 said:


> Then do you analyze the analysis of the disected analysis???
> 
> I do....makes me second guess anything I try to make a decision on :scratchhead:


Yup. I have a tendency to give people more 'credit' than they deserve. I tend to break their behaviors and actions down to motivational factors they aren't even consciously aware of. Generally speaking, it's mostly a waste of mental energy. But, I have little control over it.

Actualy, if I'm honest with myself I think that's what my constant psychoanalysis comes down to... control. Wanting to understand and have some control over my environment. Probably linked to my own fear and insecurities. Obviously I'm aware that I don't really have any control over anything that doesn't involve my own actions. My brain won't listen when I tell it that it's wasting its time though... damn thing keeps digging.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Jelly you are absolutely right. I think it did actually get it through my thick head that he is done. I thought his original comments were the fog talking. But as others have said I have smacked him with enough reality that he would have or should have snapped out of it. So all arrows point to the fact that he is done. Beyond done. I'm just surprised by the level of coldness.

I am going to do my best to just let go and move on with my life.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Unsure2621 said:


> I guess in way I feel like I am losing to less of a woman. Does that make sense? ...
> 
> But I still feel as though I have failed by not saving my marriage...
> 
> I think too much. I analyze too much. I rescue too much. Now tell me how in the hell do I start rescuing myself?


I'm sorry you were treated the way you were. However, in my experience judgmental people are difficult. They are either unable to compromise or insist on convincing you why you are wrong. It is definitely a control issue. People around them often feel manipulated. I don't know if that is you or not. I hope not. 

On the idea of losing to this other woman... Let it go. You are over-analyzing.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

No this isn't me. This woman is one of the first people I have judged or felt the need to compare myself to. And considering the situation I don't feel too guilty passing judgement. I am very open and welcoming to all people - with the exception of this woman. And not a manipulative person at all. 

My stbxh was the judgemental person. I think that is why I am surprised that he traded down to be with a woman that stands against so many of his very often vocalized values.

In fact he is the one in the relationship that was controlling. I had no control. He controlled with his very narrow minded world view. And manipulated me constantly into believing we were perfect for one another - even when he was with her.

So no I don't think controlling and manipulative is a good description on me. Pissed off would be a better description at this point - at both my stbxh and the OW for her part in this tragedy. So yes I am judging right now. And eventually my need to do so will subside.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

It's sounds like your husband is having an _exit affair_. In most cases, these are an entirley different animal than most affairs that are referred to here.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

I agree PIT. I actually did some research on that and I believe that to be the case at this point.

I actually have asked him several times what problems existed that made him unhappy. I was trying to dig beneath the surface issue of this affair to determine what the cause was. So far I haven't really been given much to go on. Just the fact that he was unhappy for years and stayed for our daughter. He gave me what I consider to be small issues: I didn't change my last name, my family was always around...all very solvable issues if I had known in advance. The most consistent thing he has said is that his heart wasn't there anymore. Sadly, I think if he had communicated earlier that was solvable as well.

He was such a conflict avoider that I didn't really see it coming. He was disengaged with me - but he had always been that way from the beginning of the marriage. He spent almost all of his time in his "man cave" working on projects so I didn't pick up on it being different this time.

I think what has thrown me for a loop was the fact that he consistently told me how much he loved me. Now he says that it was just to keep me off of his back these last few years. Here is an example of a post he made on my FB page last February:

"Ya know, I'm gonna be 34 years old this year. The best part of that is you are still here. I love you babe. Happy Valentines Day. Although I don't need a "holiday" to realize that. You have given me everything that matters. I seek out what happens beyond death mainly because I want to make sure you are there with me. You give me a soul. Looking forward to this weekend. Thank you for being my (my name here)."

My Facebook wall is riddled with these and public posts he made of songs he dedicated to his "babe" the love of his life. The last post he made on my wall was October 15th just prior to meeting her.

So my question is would a man or woman really go to this length to keep someone off of their back? I mean in all honestly I believed every word of it - I had no reason not to.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Unsure2621 said:


> He is a totally different person. I think that is the part that is making me feel so damn crazy. I have to wonder if my whole marriage was a sham. It's so strange.



Up until age 21, I used to think that people going off the rails was a rare anomaly, probably due to my family's and my friends' families' relative stability. I realize now that I had a very stable and sheltered upbringing relative to what goes on in the world.

When I first got involved with police work, I began to very quickly realize that abrupt departure from "normal" by people at a wide range of ages was very, very, common.

Now that I am older yet, I have begun to think that it is a rare exception for people to not have dramatic temporary or permanent personality issues develop and/or have abrupt changes in their behavior. Life events, psych issues, etc. 

It seems that the only consistency in life is most people's inconsistencies.

Some people are more stable than others, but there are a fair number of people who are steady as a rock until they suddenly go off the deep end, lasting that way for weeks, months, or years. Often times the trigger is only known by the person who makes the dramatic change, if they even know what caused it.

I had to let go an employee who worked for me for over 12+ years. All of a sudden, the employee became extremely dysfunctional and unreliable. All attempts made on our part to improve the employee's work performance failed. Finally there was no other option but to let the employee go. The ex-employee in question was one of my most trusted subordinates, who I never would have thought would develop issues like this.

Life is always a moving target. People change. Sometimes they change for the better, sometimes for the worse. Sometimes the changes are small and slow, sometimes they are large and rapid. I just think of people's unpredictability now as part of the larger category of "Sh!t Happens."

From everything I have read about your situation, I would tend to think that your marriage before wasn't a sham; Rather, your husband made an abrupt change and has spiraled into some sort of mental illness. Maybe it is temporary, maybe it is permanent. He certainly has become a damn fool.

All marriages end. They end with either death or divorce.

Bottom line, he is not the man you married, or would even want to be with now. You can't put your life on hold forever waiting to see if he ever comes back. All you can do is move on. Life is going to go on, and you don't want to be a spectator on the sidelines watching it happen. Life is too damned short to do that.


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