# Young mom advice!!



## Slhod (3 mo ago)

Married 6 years, together 10. Myself 32 yrs, husband 35 yrs. So I am fairly certain my husband has indeed cheated on me. I was made aware of his flirtatious behavior with a woman at an annual event where drinking and socializing take place with campers and porta pottys, etc. My source was initially from family. Angered at the news I approached a man who was beside my husband all night. He confirmed the flirtatious behavior and added more; dancing, motor boat her tits, she showed up the following night and pointed her out to me, and also told me he caught them off alone together behind a camper and what appeared to be "kissing/making out" as they acted very awkward. Later that evening I also find out a "rumor" that a man was with another woman and went into a porta potty with her and fooled around. The woman speaking of this said where the man was from (my town) but would not say exactly who. Hmmm. Husband wants nothing to do with man he was hanging out with that night and will not speak with him regarding the night but he had no problem calling another man that was there (not with him the entire night) and he told my husband he thought he was honestly "flirting pretty hard". I have confronted my husband and he has admitted to completely disrespecting me (crappy boundaries) but also says he was never dancing with her and was never alone with her. . So that is the information I have and I am not buying his BS! He "says" he is truly sorry for what he has done and how he hurt me and our relationship. He would never jeopardize our marriage, or life, and puts his kids first, etc. I found out the woman is married and has 4 kids. So my thoughts are...either they have hooked up before and this isn't a first OR they fooled around and didn't go all the way OR they fooled around and went all the way (ONS). Who knows! Our children are ages 3 and infant 4 months....bless my now miserable life! He has agreed to setting new strict boundaries, counseling, and being open and transparent but I can't say that without him taking ownership he is truly fixing what problem there lies beneath (if there is one or he is just cenile). I have shown all emotions and we have had many conversations regarding. Currently we are in a pickle in that I am treating this as if I have been betrayed due to the circumstances and the unknown. He also has been supportive/in agreement but has also expressed that he feels he is being guilty for that which he did not do . Anyhow, I would hope to move on with my life and try to reconcile since we do have to take our children into account and consider their best interests. I feel in my current stance there is more to undermine because of where we currently reside with our home, jobs, children, etc. I am trying to be rational and realistic as I can but hence fear the worst and fear for my future. Currently I am taking things day by day and just trying to deal with my emotions through reading, confiding in family, etc. Suggestions and helpful advice only please. This is the worst time of my life and I am only looking for uplifting encouragement and words from experience. Thank you everyone for your support in advance!!


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## Slhod (3 mo ago)

@DosEquis @NicoleCJ . I followed your responses on another thread and thought they were very sincere and enlightening.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I don’t believe you can decide to reconcile and work on things when you don’t know what you’re reconciling with and what you have to work on. 

You need to know if he actually cheated, and what that means to you. Otherwise, you don’t know what you’re even trying forgive and fix! If you trust the sources of information, then your husband is lying to you about how far it went. I think you should consider having a discussion with her husband if you can, without telling your husband. Maybe he thinks she’s been cheating on him as well and has some information. If not, he deserves to know what his wife did. 

I don’t know what you mean by uplifting advice only. Usually when people say this, it’s because they don’t want to face what could mean divorce. But if you’re not willing to have very strict boundaries for what you will tolerate, and have lines drawn in the sand, it’s very difficult to fix anything or reconcile without rug-sweeping and denial. 

So if you want to actually go about things in a healthy way for your mental well being, it’s best that you remove reconciliation from your vocabulary and insist on honesty and transparency as well as proof to see how far down the rabbit hole this goes. Then when you feel you have all the information you’re going to get… think about whether you can reconcile with that.


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## Slhod (3 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> I don’t believe you can decide to reconcile and work on things when you don’t know what you’re reconciling with and what you have to work on.
> 
> You need to know if he actually cheated, and what that means to you. Otherwise, you don’t know what you’re even trying forgive and fix! If you trust the sources of information, then your husband is lying to you about how far it went. I think you should consider having a discussion with her husband if you can, without telling your husband. Maybe he thinks she’s been cheating on him as well and has some information. If not, he deserves to know what his wife did.
> 
> ...


So just give him an ultimatum?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tell him that you are going to book a lie detector test and if he fails you will end the marriage. Hopefully then he will own up and tell the truth.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Slhod said:


> So just give him an ultimatum?


I think it’s the opposite of an ultimatum… “If you want to save this marriage and relationship, you will do what I need you to do, and then I will consider it.” And then you require things of him that get you to the truth as closely as possible or assess if he is lying, gaslighting, or minimizing… which is an answer in itself. 

How do you get to the truth? Have him write down every detail of what happened with that woman from start to end of how he knows her, if they’ve talked before, how often have they talked… what happened that night, every single thing. You can then continue to ask questions over time to see if the story changes. Contact her husband and see what the story she told him was. Compare with the accounts you already have and see how those fit into a realistic picture. A polygraph has already been suggested, so AFTER you have a timeline, that’s another thing you can say is a condition of saving your marriage. 

But really, thats if you actually want the truth. You have to be very diliberate about what you want and what you will accept and know beforehand if he refuses, lies, or is caught in deeper lies you will do…. ??? If you’re just going to push the limit back every time he lets more information slip, then there is no point in doing any of it. Just accept what he says at face value and move on because having an intact family is more important than knowing. People do that all the time too.


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## Slhod (3 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> I think it’s the opposite of an ultimatum… “If you want to save this marriage and relationship, you will do what I need you to do, and then I will consider it.” And then you require things of him that get you to the truth as closely as possible or assess if he is lying, gaslighting, or minimizing… which is an answer in itself.
> 
> How do you get to the truth? Have him write down every detail of what happened with that woman from start to end of how he knows her, if they’ve talked before, how often have they talked… what happened that night, every single thing. You can then continue to ask questions over time to see if the story changes. Contact her husband and see what the story she told him was. Compare with the accounts you already have and see how those fit into a realistic picture. A polygraph has already been suggested, so AFTER you have a timeline, that’s another thing you can say is a condition of saving your marriage.
> 
> But really, thats if you actually want the truth. You have to be very diliberate about what you want and what you will accept and know beforehand if he refuses, lies, or is caught in deeper lies you will do…. ??? If you’re just going to push the limit back every time he lets more information slip, then there is no point in doing any of it. Just accept what he says at face value and move on because having an intact family is more important than knowing. People do that all the time too.


He has said he doesn't know her, never met her before, never hung out with her before. He thought her husband was with the group but then later confirmed it wasn't her husband by creeping via FB. He has agreed to call her and speak with her regarding the night but I said I wasn't keen on that idea!


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

@Slhod Don't want to minimize the encounter but... to me it sounds like a booze-induced hook up. It's adultery nonetheless but not as messed up as a full blown EA or PA.


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## Slhod (3 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> @Slhod Don't want to minimize the encounter but... to me it sounds like a booze-induced hook up. It's adultery nonetheless but not as messed up as a full blown EA or PA.


Definately boozed induced. Would you assume IYO they hooked up all the way or made out/fooled around? IYO do I save my marriage and eliminate the booze/social atmosphere (new boundary)/cheaters will still find a way or is drunk cheating different due to the booze encouragement? Husband has been able to attend this event for the past 6 years and it makes me worry this has happened before. I realize what is in the past I cannot change. I feel that if maybe they hooked up all the way that she may try to find him and contact him some way next year when her little hook up buddy isn't there! Because this event for him is completely now off the table moving forward. IDK that I'll ever get the honest truth he is adamant he didn't make out or hook up with her but married people IMO don't talk or state things to this type of deal if it wasn't true. Thoughts? I also realize this is my own situation and it is ultimately my decision what do to but it is a crappy situation and I never wish upon anyone to have to face.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Slhod said:


> He has said he doesn't know her, never met her before, never hung out with her before. He thought her husband was with the group but then later confirmed it wasn't her husband by creeping via FB. He has agreed to call her and speak with her regarding the night but I said I wasn't keen on that idea!


Then he’s already called her to straighten their story out. You can really never trust a person who would do this to you, as they always minimize or flat out lie. 

You keep thinking someone here can give you the answer for what he did with her and how to handle it. We weren’t there, but there were people there that are telling you what they saw and have no reason to lie. He however, has many reasons to lie. So pick what you want to believe and go with that.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Slhod said:


> Married 6 years, together 10. Myself 32 yrs, husband 35 yrs. So I am fairly certain my husband has indeed cheated on me. I was made aware of his flirtatious behavior with a woman at an annual event where drinking and socializing take place with campers and porta pottys, etc. My source was initially from family. Angered at the news I approached a man who was beside my husband all night. He confirmed the flirtatious behavior and added more; dancing, motor boat her tits, she showed up the following night and pointed her out to me, and also told me he caught them off alone together behind a camper and what appeared to be "kissing/making out" as they acted very awkward. Later that evening I also find out a "rumor" that a man was with another woman and went into a porta potty with her and fooled around. The woman speaking of this said where the man was from (my town) but would not say exactly who. Hmmm. Husband wants nothing to do with man he was hanging out with that night and will not speak with him regarding the night but he had no problem calling another man that was there (not with him the entire night) and he told my husband he thought he was honestly "flirting pretty hard". I have confronted my husband and he has admitted to completely disrespecting me (crappy boundaries) but also says he was never dancing with her and was never alone with her. . So that is the information I have and I am not buying his BS! He "says" he is truly sorry for what he has done and how he hurt me and our relationship. He would never jeopardize our marriage, or life, and puts his kids first, etc. I found out the woman is married and has 4 kids. So my thoughts are...either they have hooked up before and this isn't a first OR they fooled around and didn't go all the way OR they fooled around and went all the way (ONS). Who knows! Our children are ages 3 and infant 4 months....bless my now miserable life! He has agreed to setting new strict boundaries, counseling, and being open and transparent but I can't say that without him taking ownership he is truly fixing what problem there lies beneath (if there is one or he is just cenile). I have shown all emotions and we have had many conversations regarding. Currently we are in a pickle in that I am treating this as if I have been betrayed due to the circumstances and the unknown. He also has been supportive/in agreement but has also expressed that he feels he is being guilty for that which he did not do . Anyhow, I would hope to move on with my life and try to reconcile since we do have to take our children into account and consider their best interests. I feel in my current stance there is more to undermine because of where we currently reside with our home, jobs, children, etc. I am trying to be rational and realistic as I can but hence fear the worst and fear for my future. Currently I am taking things day by day and just trying to deal with my emotions through reading, confiding in family, etc. Suggestions and helpful advice only please. This is the worst time of my life and I am only looking for uplifting encouragement and words from experience. Thank you everyone for your support in advance!!


Ma,am, I am very sorry that you find yourself in this spot. Marriage should never be a "how low can you go"/limbo leading to how much can you tolerate before pulling the plug? Thats not marriage, thats being attached to a hot degenerate mess.

Lets get rid of *ALL* of the subterfuge, shall we?

"Alcohol involved", no excuse. In fact, in my book, its worse. Now you have an unfaithful spouse whos also a (functioning) alcoholic. Great.

"Only one incident." Who knows? Cheaters lie. Its their language of choice. Its like breathing for them. Regardless of what exactly happened, at a minimum, its wildly inappropriate and disrespectful, at most, a complete betrayal of you and your marriage. The "only once" bullshyte excuse is pathetic. How many bullets dies it take to kill someone fired center mass? One. How many grenades tossed into a room with someine in it to kill? One. 

Once is enough to kill a marriage. Full stop.

Sorry to say, based on your description, you are not married to a man, but another man-child. A man-child is someone who masqerades as a mature adult male but is grown up in body only, emotionally and socially, he is a backward child. The man-child syndrome is definitely a growing phenomenon in our society IMO.

The question I have for you is pretty sraight forward. What do *you* want? If youre not sure, please read up on the 180 and enact it for *your* benefit. The 180 approach is intended to give the Betrayed spouse time and space to work through to clarity as to what they want. I would not sleep with him. You should have an std test as should he. Do an in house seperation if possible. Get a legal consult to find out the lay of the land should you decide to D. Eat right, exercise (hard with babies, I know), stay hydrated. 

Dont allow any minimizing from him.

My mantra is this...know your worth and believe it. If you dont, who will?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Slhod said:


> Married 6 years, together 10. Myself 32 yrs, husband 35 yrs. So I am fairly certain my husband has indeed cheated on me. I was made aware of his flirtatious behavior with a woman at an annual event where drinking and socializing take place with campers and porta pottys, etc. My source was initially from family. Angered at the news I approached a man who was beside my husband all night. He confirmed the flirtatious behavior and added more; dancing, motor boat her tits, she showed up the following night and pointed her out to me, and also told me he caught them off alone together behind a camper and what appeared to be "kissing/making out" as they acted very awkward. Later that evening I also find out a "rumor" that a man was with another woman and went into a porta potty with her and fooled around. The woman speaking of this said where the man was from (my town) but would not say exactly who. Hmmm. Husband wants nothing to do with man he was hanging out with that night and will not speak with him regarding the night but he had no problem calling another man that was there (not with him the entire night) and he told my husband he thought he was honestly "flirting pretty hard". I have confronted my husband and he has admitted to completely disrespecting me (crappy boundaries) but also says he was never dancing with her and was never alone with her. . So that is the information I have and I am not buying his BS! He "says" he is truly sorry for what he has done and how he hurt me and our relationship. He would never jeopardize our marriage, or life, and puts his kids first, etc. I found out the woman is married and has 4 kids. So my thoughts are...either they have hooked up before and this isn't a first OR they fooled around and didn't go all the way OR they fooled around and went all the way (ONS). Who knows! Our children are ages 3 and infant 4 months....bless my now miserable life! He has agreed to setting new strict boundaries, counseling, and being open and transparent but I can't say that without him taking ownership he is truly fixing what problem there lies beneath (if there is one or he is just cenile). I have shown all emotions and we have had many conversations regarding. Currently we are in a pickle in that I am treating this as if I have been betrayed due to the circumstances and the unknown. He also has been supportive/in agreement but has also expressed that he feels he is being guilty for that which he did not do . Anyhow, I would hope to move on with my life and try to reconcile since we do have to take our children into account and consider their best interests. I feel in my current stance there is more to undermine because of where we currently reside with our home, jobs, children, etc. I am trying to be rational and realistic as I can but hence fear the worst and fear for my future. Currently I am taking things day by day and just trying to deal with my emotions through reading, confiding in family, etc. Suggestions and helpful advice only please. This is the worst time of my life and I am only looking for uplifting encouragement and words from experience. Thank you everyone for your support in advance!!


The first thing you need to remember as you go through this is that no matter what happens - NO MATTER WHAT -- YOU WILL BE OK. Even if everything is really crappy for awhile, there IS a bright future ahead for you, if you want to create it for yourself and EMBRACE it.

Second of all, there is nothing at all wrong with trying to work things out with him and give him a chance to learn a (big) lesson. But if he does anything like this again, you cannot give him any more chances, or else you will be miserable.

And that's how I would word it -- this is his ONE chance, and if he does anything like this again, if he crosses ANY MORE boundaries with his faithfulness to you, YOU ARE DONE. 

I did something similar with my first husband who was an alcoholic. He quit when I was going to leave him over it, and I told him very clearly, this was his ONE chance and if he ever drank again, I wasn't going to discuss it, I wasn't going to beg or ask him "how could you do this?"...I was going to LEAVE without looking back.

If you are going to make that hard boundary (because that's the kind of relationship you want), you need to stick to it in order to have the kind of relationship that you want.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

He's probably been doing this your entire relationship. Either you saw and intentionally ignored the red flags, or genuinely were unaware.


If you knew how he was prior while dating, the relationship should have ended as soon as you knew. Never should have married.. definitely you never should have had children with him. You never should have allowed him access to you and your body ever again.



In order for his behavior to stop, you're going to have to leave him.


He isn't going to stop.

He's just agreeing with things because he probably doesn't want to deal with children, or caring for the children alone during joint custody visits, paying spousal perhaps child support.

He also doesn't want to take time away from his extracurricular activities to deal with legal proceedings.


He isn't going to change. He'll stop when or if he wants to stop.

Your children are watching, learning, and internalizing.



You, your children, and him are in a toxic unhealthy situation that needs to come to a complete end. Divorce. Strictly co parenting. (If he decides he wants to be an active father in his children's lives)


Doing what's best for your children means bossing up, being brave and removing them from this toxic situation and environment. Their father has no respect for their mother, and them. He doesn't have little to zero interest in you, or them. 


Don't use your children as an excuse not to leave him because you perhaps feel scared, have grown comfortable and accustomed to being in dysfunction..that you are forcing them to accept it too.



They're going to grow up resenting the both of you and mirroring their parents behaviors.

Perhaps may distance themselves from one of both of you when they become of a legal independent age.

They may also view you as a coward for not leaving, and may not respect you.

Stop intentionally traumatizing and scarring your children.




Do you really want to spend the rest of your life playing "detective" and a judge that threatens but never issues a sentence??


Stressing, worrying, making yourself ill, snooping, questioning people about your husband's actions, questioning him about his behaviors, listening to the same repeated lies and empty promises, confronting him continuously.


Doing all of this, but never issuing consequences. Just continuously making yourself be the fool.




A person who doesn't want to be married doesn't need marriage counseling...


They just need to make themselves officially single.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Slhod said:


> He has said he doesn't know her, never met her before, never hung out with her before. He thought her husband was with the group but then later confirmed it wasn't her husband by creeping via FB. He has agreed to call her and speak with her regarding the night but I said I wasn't keen on that idea!


So he motorboated a woman he never met, didn't know, but thought that her husband was around? Umm, doesn't make any sort of sense to me.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

How credible is the man who told you what your husband did with this other woman? Do you think there would be any reason for him not to tell you the truth? All of what this man said could easily be the truth and very possible that this is your husband's typical behavior with women when you are not looking, unfortunately. Approaching him with this information may just produce lies to protect himself or he might turn it on you because he cannot take accountability for his actions, he might start an argument to take away from the subject at hand. He might tell you that he was the one that was attacked by a crazy woman but nothing happened. So what are you to believe? It sounds to me that the man you are married to is very immature based on what was posted here and I am not so sure he is ready for any kind of true commitment.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

> Umm, doesn't make any sort of sense to me.


Ya that's because it's not the truth. Cheater's can spin the craziest stories. The poor BS wants to badly to believe, is grasping for reality among all the gaslighting, that some of their bullsh*t lines get believed.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Slhod, how are you doing?


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Slhod said:


> Definately boozed induced. Would you assume IYO they hooked up all the way or made out/fooled around? IYO do I save my marriage and eliminate the booze/social atmosphere (new boundary)/cheaters will still find a way or is drunk cheating different due to the booze encouragement? Husband has been able to attend this event for the past 6 years and it makes me worry this has happened before. I realize what is in the past I cannot change. I feel that if maybe they hooked up all the way that she may try to find him and contact him some way next year when her little hook up buddy isn't there! Because this event for him is completely now off the table moving forward. IDK that I'll ever get the honest truth he is adamant he didn't make out or hook up with her but married people IMO don't talk or state things to this type of deal if it wasn't true. Thoughts? I also realize this is my own situation and it is ultimately my decision what do to but it is a crappy situation and I never wish upon anyone to have to face.


Slhod, don't know how deep in the rabbit hole you want to go with this but... just remember that what you see and hear FROM ANYONE is most likely the tip of the iceberg. I found out the hard way, believe me. If you dig into it and find out he was drunk and she was drunk and they just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, I'd give it a second thought.

Now, if you find out they knew each other and just scratching the surface gets you progressively worse and worse intel, I'd at the very least separate in a way that minimizes impact on the kids.


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## Slhod (3 mo ago)

DosEquis said:


> Slhod, how are you doing?


Taking it day by day. I have decided to trust him as this has never occurred between us before. He never goes out anywhere without me besides this one time a year (not saying an excuse for him either though). I think if they crossed the line she will try to contact him at some point. Once you have slept with someone there is a "bond" there that can't be denied whether the hook up was good or not. I am leaning on faith and those above me for now. I know that if someone is deceitful true colors eventually come to light. As someone also stated above; reminding myself through all of this I will be okay. I am alert now and will keep one eye open! My feelings regarding change daily. As time goes by if I simply feel I cannot come to trust him again. I will leave. I cannot live a life that way.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Slhod said:


> Definately boozed induced. Would you assume IYO they hooked up all the way or made out/fooled around? IYO do I save my marriage and eliminate the booze/social atmosphere (new boundary)/cheaters will still find a way or is drunk cheating different due to the booze encouragement? Husband has been able to attend this event for the past 6 years and it makes me worry this has happened before. I realize what is in the past I cannot change. I feel that if maybe they hooked up all the way that she may try to find him and contact him some way next year when her little hook up buddy isn't there! Because this event for him is completely now off the table moving forward. IDK that I'll ever get the honest truth he is adamant he didn't make out or hook up with her but married people IMO don't talk or state things to this type of deal if it wasn't true. Thoughts? I also realize this is my own situation and it is ultimately my decision what do to but it is a crappy situation and I never wish upon anyone to have to face.


If you want to remain with him, this event would have been his last...no more.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Slhod said:


> Taking it day by day. I have decided to trust him as this has never occurred between us before. He never goes out anywhere without me besides this one time a year (not saying an excuse for him either though). I think if they crossed the line she will try to contact him at some point. Once you have slept with someone there is a "bond" there that can't be denied whether the hook up was good or not. I am leaning on faith and those above me for now. I know that if someone is deceitful true colors eventually come to light. As someone also stated above; reminding myself through all of this I will be okay. I am alert now and will keep one eye open! My feelings regarding change daily. As time goes by if I simply feel I cannot come to trust him again. I will leave. I cannot live a life that way.


Hey Slhod, good to hear from you.

It is, of course, your perogative to trust him and consider this an outlier. You can also take all time you need to keep processing. Its only been a week or so since you first posted.

I will tell you this, your *35 y.o. (not 25) *husband and father of two has some serious growing up to do. This is not the behavior of an adult, committed life partner and I hope you made it abundantly clear to him that he has fallen about 1000 miles short.



Slhod said:


> time goes by if I simply feel I cannot come to trust him again. I will leave. I cannot live a life that way.


Roger that ma'am and I hope he is on clear notice as such.

ETA: For what its worth, I dont buy his story one iota but I am admittedly jaded in that I dont trust cheaters and/or those that exhibit cheating behavior. At a bare minimum, his behavior was wildly inappropriate and deeply disrespectful of you, his Bride, and your marriage. At most, he is just another marital traitor.

ETAII: Meant to include this....I wouldnt have more children in the near future. That is, until you are a *lot* more sure your M is on solid ground.

Good luck.


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