# Newly married.. Arranged marriage!! Big mistake?!?



## daisy01 (Jun 5, 2013)

Hi.. I really need some help here.. I just got married about 6 months ago. It was an arranged marriage so really didnt know what I was getting into. But we did go out a few times before marriage and he seemed to be nice. After the wedding, we were together only for a week and he went abroad to work. The abroad plan was so sudden that we could not plan my visa before the wedding. Anyways, after he left, I had to do my visa processing all by myself.. It took me 4 months to get it done. He didnt support me at all in this. We have been living apart since the wedding and he never calls. Just once in a month.. (is that how couples are?) I also quit my job since i knew I have to leave from here.. we never talk.. have nothing in common.. its very weird.. we dont know whats really happening in each other's lives.. 

I feel regret and hurt by all thats happening.. coz this is not how i expected my marriage to turn out.. I know its too soon to judge but I feel he is extremely selfish.. he only talks about his career, his dreams and his aspirations.. I am not even respected as a person.. I did try to tell him what I feel, but it is always ignored.. 

Is this a big mistake?!? I feel trapped and dont know how to solve this..


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

daisy01 said:


> Hi.. I really need some help here.. I just got married about 6 months ago. It was an arranged marriage so really didnt know what I was getting into. But we did go out a few times before marriage and he seemed to be nice. After the wedding, we were together only for a week and he went abroad to work. The abroad plan was so sudden that we could not plan my visa before the wedding. Anyways, after he left, I had to do my visa processing all by myself.. It took me 4 months to get it done. He didnt support me at all in this. We have been living apart since the wedding and he never calls. Just once in a month.. (is that how couples are?) I also quit my job since i knew I have to leave from here.. we never talk.. have nothing in common.. its very weird.. we dont know whats really happening in each other's lives..
> 
> I feel regret and hurt by all thats happening.. coz this is not how i expected my marriage to turn out.. I know its too soon to judge but I feel he is extremely selfish.. he only talks about his career, his dreams and his aspirations.. I am not even respected as a person.. I did try to tell him what I feel, but it is always ignored..
> 
> Is this a big mistake?!? I feel trapped and dont know how to solve this..


I think he should be trying harder to get to know you. 

You guys didn't marry for love, so it will probably take a while for you to feel love. It's extremely hard right now because you must have thought that love would start to develop sooner.

First thing is you guys need to have more communication. You need to spend more time together. You need to understand that he doesn't really know how to talk to you, which is why he is avoiding you, and also why he only really talks about himself. He doesn't know what else to talk about.

How long till you guys are together again?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Dear Op, see also the post above yours- there you have the answer.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...inion-observation-about-marriage-general.html
Why did you marry him? Was it for the visa to come to the USA? If so, count your blessings that you got it - but you married for the wrong reason. Why did he marry you?
We are in the 21th century. I don't see why people still let others arrange their lives. It's your life, your marriage.
It sounds like you don't have anything in common and you are unhappy. So, don't have any kids and divorce. Find someone who gives you love and joy.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Start with him and express your concerns. You are his spouse.

If that doesn't work, talk to your parents and ask they talk to his. If that doesn't fly, talk to his parents directly. Don't do it from a accusatory position, do it from a "we have a problem and I am concerned... can you advise me or help me?" standpoint. From my understanding, arranged marriages have very strong family connections; You are all in this together and that is the support network. They can offer guidance and support.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Marital arrangments are certainly outside the context of modern western culture paradigm...but I also know that human society had been handling marriages that way for centuries. Like unarranged marriages...I'm sure there are success stories and some that are disastrous.
At the same time, I certainly see why you would be anxious and scared, being a new bride, yet not receiving much consideration from your husband in terms of help going abroad. It would cause me to worry about just what did I marry into?
Most of us would probably would suggest for you to get out of this situation...that it just seems unsafe and is paving the way for neglect and abuse...but I don't know how making that sort of decision would echo within your family and your social standing. I would hate to see you an outcast and being shunned by everyone. It sound like a tough decision ahead.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You are expecting your husband to act like he loves you, but he doesn't know you, just like you don't really know him. It's natural for him to talk about work and stuff, because what else is there when you haven't spent any real time together? Imagine how difficult it would be to call someone every day when you aren't sure what they like or dislike? 

I would encourage you to write him letters every day while he's away. In your letters, talk about what you're doing today, what you liked and didn't like about things that happened in your day, but do not criticize him at all. Give him a chance to learn about you through your letters.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I would encourage you to write him letters every day while he's away. In your letters, talk about what you're doing today, what you liked and didn't like about things that happened in your day, but do not criticize him at all. Give him a chance to learn about you through your letters.


This is an AWESOME idea! 

Correspondence.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Once a month is absolutely nothing., when my husband was abroad we talked a couple times a day. 

I think seeing as your marriage was arranged there's no love yet. Will you be joining him in the other country too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

daisy01 said:


> It was an arranged marriage so really didnt know what I was getting into.


Please give us some details because this is nearly zero information.

What countries are you from, what do you mean by arranged marriage - ie was this a traditional Muslim arrangement with all of the cultural aspects understood by each or was this instead something families thought would just be a good idea or what?


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## ElizabethStone (Jun 5, 2013)

I agree with the idea of letters.

Also, since you both didn't marry for love in the first place, it will take some time for that to develop between you. It will involve you leaning in a bit to find out who this person is that you married. In order for love to develop, maybe take a step back and seduce your husband a little bit. Flirt.

As far as not knowing what to talk about with him, develop what you want to accomplish in your life. Did you have hobbies and interests before you got married? Make these a priority and bring something to the table to talk about conversationally. He might not be the type of guy who talks about his feelings right away and might not mean to be disrespectful. Try talking about your own interests. Women who maintain their own lives become very attractive to their mates.

Good luck.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I have many clients who are of non western cultures and who practice arranged marriages. I was told that arranged marriage is based on the idea that the couple will build a life, and through shared experiences, a respect and a love for each other. As you and your husband are probably from non western backgrounds it is difficult for we westerners to offer you advice. I would think that you are best to respect the cultural norms he and your families expect initially. Invest the time and effort it will take for a relationship to develop. If he is a good man he will value you as you do him. The things I imagine to be issues are you both being young and one or both of you not being really ready for a this level of commitment (my assumption). And maybe a clash of traditional vs. more modern or liberal ideas about life, marriage and family between you and he.


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## daisy01 (Jun 5, 2013)

He is coming back to India in a couple of weeks.. We will be together from then on.. I know there is a huge communication gap between us.. The problem that I find is, we communicated well before the wedding.. We knew each other well. We had been in touch for 3 months before the wedding.. but since the wedding, things have totally changed. I always try harder to make this relationship comfortable cause its not that easy to love someone immediately.. It can only happen through time. We had planned to live in India but just a week before the wedding he got a job offer abroad. SO it was all so sudden. From the time he left, the relationship started dissolving. Whenever I try calling him, he disconnects it.. No replies to mail or messages either. I know he's working hard but I cant help but think if he cant spend atleast 10 min in a week to talk to me?? Is it too much to ask..? Since this is all arranged I also tried talking to my parents about it. But that didnt turn out well.


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## daisy01 (Jun 5, 2013)

ubercoolpanda said:


> Once a month is absolutely nothing., when my husband was abroad we talked a couple times a day.
> 
> I think seeing as your marriage was arranged there's no love yet. Will you be joining him in the other country too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.. Once he is back, we will be leaving togethre abroad..


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## daisy01 (Jun 5, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Please give us some details because this is nearly zero information.
> 
> What countries are you from, what do you mean by arranged marriage - ie was this a traditional Muslim arrangement with all of the cultural aspects understood by each or was this instead something families thought would just be a good idea or what?


We are form India where arranged marriage are very common.. It was a traditional Hindu Marriage arrangement with cultural aspects where our families decide who should get married to whom. Both me and my husband hate the concept of arranged marriage but that is just how things work here. And so, we agreed to do it. We got to know each other well before the wedding. I had a tiny bit of hope that maybe this is right and it will work but things are not well since the wedding. He is not that same person that I thought he was. I did ask him personally before the wedding if he was willing to go ahead with this. He said he accepted to do it cause he likes me.

Now he rarely talks n whenever we talk it always ends in a fight. The last thing that he told me was he is very unhappy and that he agreed to do this because his parents threatened him to do so. I mean, he could have told all this before the wedding and saved both our lives. Now I feel so hurt and do not know how to handle the situation.


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## daisy01 (Jun 5, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> Dear Op, see also the post above yours- there you have the answer.
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...inion-observation-about-marriage-general.html
> Why did you marry him? Was it for the visa to come to the USA? If so, count your blessings that you got it - but you married for the wrong reason. Why did he marry you?
> We are in the 21th century. I don't see why people still let others arrange their lives. It's your life, your marriage.
> It sounds like you don't have anything in common and you are unhappy. So, don't have any kids and divorce. Find someone who gives you love and joy.


I married him because I liked him. I didnt know he would be going abroad until a week before the wedding. Infact, I wanted to live in India after the wedding.. close to family and friends.. so it was not for the visa..


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

daisy01 said:


> ...
> 
> Now he rarely talks n whenever we talk it always ends in a fight. The last thing that he told me was he is very unhappy and that he agreed to do this because his parents threatened him to do so. I mean, he could have told all this before the wedding and saved both our lives. Now I feel so hurt and do not know how to handle the situation.


Obviously, you were both under tremendous pressure to do this. That pressure has caught up with him and the reality of be "married" is setting in....and he's probably scared. Scared about the future, about how to be a husband, about how the families expect things to be, etc. I'm sure you are feeling similar, and you want to work through this with communication...he is locking up on you, and that isn't going to work.

There is a book called "The 5 love languages".... it may help you see how your differences can build walls. 

Keep trying to work through this. Arranged marriages are so different from the western style "love" marriage that it can be hard to relate to for most of us. Still, it's also hard to deal with divorce in your culture, so it's not as easy as, "this isn't working, I'm out". I get that.

If you can, try writing him, as mentioned above. It's a good way to pour out your feelings, as well as talk about how you hope things will go in the future. Your positive words may help and encourage development of that "longing to belong" in your marriage. 

As for how to deal with him and his "all of a sudden" realization and insecurity regarding marriage, maybe try the gentle approach. Treat him sweetly and very welcoming. The warmth of your demeanor can help soften his fears and get him to calm down a bit. The "it'll be okay, babe" approach may help him loosen up a bit.

He has shut down and his last words are very telling...he's feeling the pressure, and feeling forced into this. Let him know that you know how he feels, and that you are in this together. 

This is a lot for you both to deal with. Good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may have thought beforehand that he could handle an arranged marriage but once it was reality he discovered it was more difficult than he thought it would be. 

I assume divorce is frowned upon and he isn't looking at that as an option?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Daisy, if you're telling him things you are unhappy about when you do get to talk to him, it's no wonder he's pulling away! Remember to be the kind of woman that will make his friends jealous of him - the one who adores him and treats him well, but who is quietly confident without him, too.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I would encourage you to write him letters every day while he's away. In your letters, talk about what you're doing today, what you liked and didn't like about things that happened in your day, but do not criticize him at all. Give him a chance to learn about you through your letters.


While I think writing him regularly is a good idea, don't bombard him with letters every day. That might be overkill at this point. He might see you as too clingy and needy. If I were having doubts about the person I married, I would find it annoying to get daily letters from that person. Maybe send him one or two letters a week and keep the tone of the letters positive, upbeat.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

daisy01 said:


> He is coming back to India in a couple of weeks.. We will be together from then on.. I know there is a huge communication gap between us.. *The problem that I find is, we communicated well before the wedding.. We knew each other well. We had been in touch for 3 months before the wedding.. but since the wedding, things have totally changed. *I always try harder to make this relationship comfortable cause its not that easy to love someone immediately.. It can only happen through time. We had planned to live in India but just a week before the wedding he got a job offer abroad. SO it was all so sudden. From the time he left, the relationship started dissolving. Whenever I try calling him, he disconnects it.. No replies to mail or messages either. I know he's working hard but I cant help but think if he cant spend atleast 10 min in a week to talk to me?? Is it too much to ask..? *Since this is all arranged I also tried talking to my parents about it. But that didnt turn out well.*


What did your parents say?

He's mad at himself for agreeing to this marriage, and he's taking it out on you by distancing himself from you as much as possible. He's gone into denial, trying to pretend he isn't married.



KathyBatesel said:


> Remember to be the kind of woman that will make his friends jealous of him - the one who adores him and treats him well, but who is quietly confident without him, too.


I agree with this. Stop trying to win him over and begging for his attention. Be yourself, live your life, and when you are together again, he'll remember why he agreed to this in the first place. He obviously like you well enough to agree to marriage. He's lost sight of that since he's been on his own abroad.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

daisy01 said:


> We are form India where arranged marriage are very common.. It was a traditional Hindu Marriage arrangement with cultural aspects where our families decide who should get married to whom. Both me and my husband hate the concept of arranged marriage but that is just how things work here. And so, we agreed to do it. We got to know each other well before the wedding. I had a tiny bit of hope that maybe this is right and it will work but things are not well since the wedding. He is not that same person that I thought he was. I did ask him personally before the wedding if he was willing to go ahead with this. He said he accepted to do it cause he likes me.
> 
> Now he rarely talks n whenever we talk it always ends in a fight. The last thing that he told me was he is very unhappy and that he agreed to do this because his parents threatened him to do so. I mean, he could have told all this before the wedding and saved both our lives. Now I feel so hurt and do not know how to handle the situation.


Then the problem is you can't have it both ways. It is either a traditional marriage and you both accept that, along with the corresponding rights and duties - or you don't.

You can't proceed with the idea that it is a traditional Hindu marriage, except the husband and wife both hate it and neither one of them is going to fulfill their duties and expectations because they disagree with traditional Hindu marriage.

Have the husband choose one or the other. If he says that he chooses traditional marriage except that he hates it and only did it because he was pressured into it - then despite his words he has chosen the opposite.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> You are expecting your husband to act like he loves you, but he doesn't know you, just like you don't really know him. It's natural for him to talk about work and stuff, because what else is there when you haven't spent any real time together? Imagine how difficult it would be to call someone every day when you aren't sure what they like or dislike?
> 
> *I would encourage you to write him letters every day while he's away. In your letters, talk about what you're doing today, what you liked and didn't like about things that happened in your day, but do not criticize him at all. Give him a chance to learn about you through your letters*.


*Excellent IDEA!:smthumbup:*



daisy01 said:


> We are form India where arranged marriage are very common.. It was a traditional Hindu Marriage arrangement with cultural aspects where our families decide who should get married to whom. Both me and my husband hate the concept of arranged marriage but that is just how things work here. And so, we agreed to do it. We got to know each other well before the wedding. I had a tiny bit of hope that maybe this is right and it will work but things are not well since the wedding. He is not that same person that I thought he was. I did ask him personally before the wedding if he was willing to go ahead with this. He said he accepted to do it cause he likes me.
> 
> Now he rarely talks n whenever we talk it always ends in a fight. The last thing that he told me was he is very unhappy and that he agreed to do this because his parents threatened him to do so. I mean, he could have told all this before the wedding and saved both our lives. Now I feel so hurt and do not know how to handle the situation.


*Without REAL communication between each other, there is no REAL connection between each other, without REAL connection between each other there is no REAL communication between each other. The two are inter-linked and one cannot exist without other.*

*Also don't forget to use modern technology to keep in touch with him when he's away from you. This is the Internet Age, use Email, Skype, Face-time etc. You don't need to talk to each other everyday, just every other day. How about have lunch with him over the Internet e.g. I call it Skype Lunch, or Face-Time Lunch. I have Skype Lunch once a week with my best friend.* 

*Start your own personal Journal of thoughts and feelings, express yourself in a sentence or paragraph each day and at the end of each week review those words again. Over time you'll see patterns and pictures form, showing the REAL you.* 

*Arranged marriages are different to Western marriages, one of the key differences in arranged marriages, is both parties enter without love in most cases. Learning to love your partner will come over time. My parents married each other as strangers in a arranged marriage for the exact same reasons as you, Hindu tradition. They've been married now 46 years and counting, and are now grandparents.*


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