# Telling the kids



## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

How do we tell the kids we are separating? They are 8 and 13. 

I think my 13 yr old son won't really mind - he and my husband are oil and water and my son has Asperger's, so he's not really an emotional type. 

But my 8 yr old daughter - wow. I cry just thinking about what this will do to her.

Contrary to what people always say, our kids have no idea anything is wrong. In front of the kids and in the home we have always maintained a friendly and loving demeanor. This will be a complete shock to them. 

I don't even know what to say to them.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* What is the actual underlying reason for the separation?

If the impending separation is one of amicability, then this task should be done jointly by the two of you, to basically provide assurances to your kids that their general welfare will be looked out for and that the two of you will always be there for them and will always love them.

If perchance it is not a pleasant separation, then I might suggest that you seek out the help of a competent IC/ individual or family counselor to help you out with viable suggestions!*


----------



## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

The underlying reason is that my H is a Narcissist in the middle of a huge Mid-Life Crisis who has cheated on me for almost a year, who has basically decided that "this life we have is not his dream". He is just basically an unhappy person and thinks that by leaving his family he will find happiness. 

But obviously I'm not gonna tell the kids that  As far as the separation goes, it is amicable and we want the kids to have the most stable transition possible.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Papillon said:


> The underlying reason is that my H is a Narcissist in the middle of a huge Mid-Life Crisis who has cheated on me for almost a year, who has basically decided that "this life we have is not his dream". He is just basically an unhappy person and thinks that by leaving his family he will find happiness.
> 
> But obviously I'm not gonna tell the kids that  As far as the separation goes, it is amicable and *we want the kids to have the most stable transition possible.*


Kids will really want to know about WHERE they will be living and when, etc. Logistics. Make sure you assure them they won't be leaving their home, they can still....play sports or whatever their activities are, etc. Beyond that, other people here can articulate better than me the emotional stuff you should tell them.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree with SecondTime. At 8, the most terrifying thing is where they live and go to school. They want to know that you and STBX have thought about them so have that all lined up before you tell them. Know where everyone is going to live, will the schools be the same, can they see their friends, when will they see Dad, will they still have money to live on. And say one too many times, it is not their fault. I know you think the kids have no idea, but I bet you're probably wrong. Kids are far more intuitive than you want to believe. They will not tell you what they saw, or heard, or suspect because they would never want to hurt you. 

So I would advise that during the first talk (and there will be lots of talks) don't even broach the why's of the separation. DO NOT LIE to them just because you think they are too young to understand. Any lie you tell them now will come back to haunt you. So if she asks why, you better have some truthful statement prepared. Of course you don't say "Honey, daddy is a lying, cheating pig." But IMO, there is nothing wrong with saying daddy hurt my feelings and we need to separate. Also consider having a counselor lined up, either at school or from your GP. There are times having a non-family member to vent with is a safe release.

Prepare yourself for her tears, and likely her anger. It is justified and often terrifying. Her world is coming to an end, who wouldn't be angry. 

If it helps, my youngest DD was about ten when I told her. She ran in her room in tears and hid under the covers. Now, three years later, she's great. Really great.

Sorry you and the kids have to go through this.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

The first time we split, my STBX refused to be a part of the conversastion because he didn't want the divorce. I was forced to do it alone, which is awful. And, it was awful. Probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to have. It was not a shock for them, but it was still super sad. They both cried. I cried. Then, something magical happened while we were sitting there at the kitchen table wrapping up the conversation. The ice cream man could be heard coming down the street. We all got ice cream and it cheered them up immensely. I knew where the man lived because he kept his truck at his house, and I wrote him a thank you note and put it in his mailbox even though he had no idea he was our angel that day.

The second time (reminder: we're in a failed reconciliation now and I'm moving out next month) it certainly was no surprise because of hearing us fight, etc. and he told them by himself and told me the next day he did it. I was absolutely shocked he did that. They are doing OK. 

The most important thing is to just be the very best parents you can be and love them.


----------



## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

Thank you so much. Just love them, as we both do. At least that part isn't hard.?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell them a modified and age-appropriate version of the truth. Children sometimes have a tendency to blame themselves. Reassure them (over and over if necessary). They will be obviously shocked and hurt. Especially if they didn't see this coming (although children pick up on tension more than parents realize). It will take some time, maybe a lot of time, for them to move beyond this but they will. And so will you. You didn't expect to have to create a new life for them and for you but that doesn't mean it won't be a very good one. You've been living with the stress of your husband actively cheating for a year. When you finally put that burden down, you'll be amazed how good it feels.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You have a tricky situation. 

I read your other thread and I feel what you may need to be prepared for is questions. 

First and foremost, you need to be honest. You are setting a precedent with this conversation. Of course, it needs to be age appropriate, but honest nonetheless. 

Prepare yourself for crying. 

Reinforce your love for them. 

Do not protect your STBXH. 

There are many, many articles about this online. 

You do not want your kids coming back later asking why you kept the truth from them.

ETA: personal experience, my kids did not see it coming. They were oblivious to our problems and this bore out in therapy years later. 

This could be a complete shock to them. I think this happens a lot when infidelity is involved. Especially exit affairs. 

This is not your problem. It is not on you to make it easy for STBXH. I'm not saying to drop him in the grease. You need to do what's best for you.


----------



## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

Endeavour to tell them your story together. Agree on the basic script (age appropriate), avoid blame, avoid tears, tell them some basics about living, friends and school. They probably know already. 

Sadly, after agreeing to all this with my STBXW, the next day she decided to be 'assertive' and tell them herself while I was at work. They both were moderately happy/relieved about it and said stuff along the lines of 'at last'. My wife, having lost this power battle, then accused me of telling them without her (rather than assuming her repeated screams for divorce for much of the last 2 years may have given the game away). 

Your husband may try a similar power-trick. While it infuriated me (even surprised me a bit), it worked out for the best. If we had done it together, I'm sure she'd have taken the opportunity to thrown a nasty tantrum in front of them. This way, she just lost the wind in her sails.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Papillon said:


> The underlying reason is that my H is a Narcissist in the middle of a huge Mid-Life Crisis who has cheated on me for almost a year, who has basically decided that "this life we have is not his dream". He is just basically an unhappy person and thinks that by leaving his family he will find happiness.
> 
> But obviously I'm not gonna tell the kids that  As far as the separation goes, it is amicable and we want the kids to have the most stable transition possible.


Oh, my goodness? Are we twins separated at birth?

We just had to tell our 13-year-old son about our separation and divorce a few weeks ago. Your situation mirrors mine exactly, except that we don't also have an 8-year-old daughter. Our, son, too, was diagnosed with Asperger's as a child and is not overly emotional (but he is actually very insightful and has a great deal of depth and maturity, so I wonder about that diagnosis, sometimes).

Since we only had our son, and he is the young man that he is, we included his Dad's relationship with this other woman in the discussion, because he is going to be moving in with her soon, and I didn't think it was fair to air drop her in as if he just met her yesterday and expect my son to buy that when the time came. I also felt that he had made this choice he's made, and our son, being as old and mature as he is, had a right to know the truth.

The hardest part for our son was that it felt like it came out of nowhere - like you and your STBX, for two months after I found out about the affair, we played nice with each other to save his feelings (though I now realize it was done more to protect my STBX's interests, and wish I'd done it differently). So be prepared for at least your son to be angry with you both at first for pulling the wool over his eyes, so to speak.

If your STBX is going to be starting a serious relationship with this woman and she's going to be a part of your children's lives very soon, I think you need to tell them both that, as gently as you can. Telling just your son but not your daughter puts a strain on him to keep a secret from her that isn't fair for him to have to deal with.

My STBX hated exposing himself like that when we told our son, of course, but my son in the end was thankful that we were truthful with him about it. (STBX would never have told either of us about her until he had already moved out, and then would have pretended he *just* met her when she suddenly appeared on the scene - I got him to admit that to me, at least. A$$hat.)

It's hard as nails - the hardest thing I've ever been through - to tell them. But just let them know again and again how much you both love them, and how it has absolutely nothing to do with anything they have or haven't done and is not because of them in any way (and I think them knowing he's found another woman he wants to be with actually helps them with this, in the long run). I'm sure you plan to say those things, and it does help soften the blow a bit.

Then, just let them know you're always going to be there for them. They can talk to you any time they need to, and they can cry or whatever they need to do to get it out - it's OK if they're mad at or upset with you for a while.

My heart hurts for you.

And may I just say that your STBX and mine should form a little Mid-Life Crisis Cheaters Club, so they can say all the stupid B.S. to each other they want about how it isn't their fault, and it just happened, and we just grew apart, and we should have seen it coming, blah, blah, blah, and not make our ears bleed another second with any of it.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> ETA: personal experience, my kids did not see it coming. They were oblivious to our problems and this bore out in therapy years later.
> 
> This could be a complete shock to them. I think this happens a lot when infidelity is involved. Especially exit affairs.
> 
> This is not your problem. It is not on you to make it easy for STBXH. I'm not saying to drop him in the grease. You need to do what's best for you.


This. My son did not see it coming, either, especially, I think, because an exit affair was involved and STBXH was wanting so desperately to hide the fact that he is a POS from him.

And I agree - as you and others have said, tell an age-appropriate, gentle form of the truth. But tell the truth. They will appreciate that you valued them enough to do that.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> The first time we split, my STBX refused to be a part of the conversastion because he didn't want the divorce. I was forced to do it alone, which is awful. And, it was awful. Probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to have. It was not a shock for them, but it was still super sad. They both cried. I cried.
> 
> I don't blame him. I would do the same thing if I was him. You wanted the divorce so you should be the one to tell your children. I think he thought that if he was with you when you told the children then it would look like it was a mutual decision when it was not.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I don't blame him. I would do the same thing if I was him. You wanted the divorce so you should be the one to tell your children. I think he thought that if he was with you when you told the children then it would look like it was a mutual decision when it was not.


I think SecondTimeRound wanted the divorce the first time because her husband had been caught cheating.

In any event, my STBX offered to tell our son alone, since he was the one wanting/causing our divorce. Gee, noble of him, but I wanted to be there, too, because I honestly was afraid of the lies he might have told him. So I let him do all/most of the talking, but held him to making it clear in an age-appropriate way as to why he was leaving like he is right now.


----------

