# Hanging out alone with opposite sex friend? without telling partner?



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Its funny, when I was younger I saw this as no issue (for me at least). Of course I wouldn't want my girl doing this with a guy. Me and my wife were talking about this. 

We both agreed that two friends male and female hanging out together ALONE when one of them or both are in relationships with other people is clearly a sign they have feelings for each other. Especially IF they DON'T tell the person they are dating that they are hanging out with this person. I mean if the person is such a platonic friend, why do you have to hide them? unless of course there is sexual attraction involved if not also emotional. I realize this now cause something like this could of threatened my marriage (if I was up to it). My wife before we were together used to sneak around to hang out with me, (while she was dating someone). We never did anything until they broke up though, and a woman who I have a long history with and used to date but kept as a friend was (not to long ago) wanting me to sneak around behind my wifes back to hang out with her.Kind of how she used to sneak around to hang out with me before we ever officially dated.


I can 100% say for sure. That hanging out ALONE with an opposite sex friend that you find attractive, and NOT telling your partner is not so innocent. 


And btw yes I ended the friendship with that woman.



So thoughts on sneaking around to hang out with an opposite sex friend alone! Is it ever so "innocent"?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> So thoughts on sneaking around to hang out with an opposite sex friend alone! Is it ever so "innocent"?


The short answer is "no". 

The red flag would be the word "sneaking". If the relationship were totally innocent, there would be no "Sneaking" to it, right?

But to bring up a situation where this could happen and be innocent, how about if the spouse or partner where controlling and abusive, and the person needed a friend to confide in outside of the relationship; sort of like planning an exit strategy? In that case, it would suggest that the primary relationship was in trouble and that the friend was selected to help with that exit strategy in one way or another. Still, it is not a good sign in a relationship when one person is "sneaking" to meet an unrelated person of the opposite sex.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

So are we saying that hanging out with an ex is fine so long as no sneaking is required? I.e lunch together, texting, etc


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

some will say it is. I personally say it don't work for me and my H. If he wanted to keep hanging out with OSF he could have stayed single.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> Its funny, when I was younger I saw this as no issue (for me at least). Of course I wouldn't want my girl doing this with a guy. Me and my wife were talking about this.
> 
> We both agreed that two friends male and female hanging out together ALONE when one of them or both are in relationships with other people is clearly a sign they have feelings for each other. Especially IF they DON'T tell the person they are dating that they are hanging out with this person. I mean if the person is such a platonic friend, why do you have to hide them? unless of course there is sexual attraction involved if not also emotional. I realize this now cause something like this could of threatened my marriage (if I was up to it). My wife before we were together used to sneak around to hang out with me, (while she was dating someone). We never did anything until they broke up though, and a woman who I have a long history with and used to date but kept as a friend was (not to long ago) wanting me to sneak around behind my wifes back to hang out with her.Kind of how she used to sneak around to hang out with me before we ever officially dated.
> 
> ...


ANYTHING that uses the word sneaking and doesn't involve you and your spouse finding new places to have sex so the kids don't catch you IS WRONG!!!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

No of course not. Even the supporters of OSFs would agree that secrecy with regards to OSFs is a red flag and signals more. That being said alone time with OSFs does not imply they have feelings for each other beyond friendship. It can mean that but it doesn't have to.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Secrecy, definite.

Wife: I'm going to lunch with Bob again. Be back later.

No there as well. Because EVERYONE but wifey knows Bob wants to bang her.

No one-on-one with OSF's PERIOD.

Sorry gals, we're pigs. We want sex from you, not friendship. If I call you to ask you to lunch, it's because I'm horny. Doesn't mean you need to give me head at lunch (it would be nice, however), but as long as you and your SO know that's why I'm there and you are good with it...fine all around.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MrK said:


> Secrecy, definite.
> 
> Wife: I'm going to lunch with Bob again. Be back later.
> 
> ...


Can't argue with that.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I'm interested in this thread as I recently ended my friendship with my ex. im single but she has a BF. She kept wanting to meet up and chat.

I sent her a text one day joking about how her new hair cut made her look like a boy. She texted back with "do I look like I'm a boy when I'm naked?". 

For some reason that gave me the horn and I knew it wasn't healthy to continue contact with her


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Of course hanging out with anyone without telling your partner is a bad idea. And hanging out with an OSF even when telling your partner is bad idea as well.

Some people will use the "just friends" guise to sample someone before they decide to make a move. But one on one can be problematic even when one or both people saw things as just friends. One, there is the datelike feel to the evening especially if one or the other insists upon treating the other person. 

two, too much can be said that one person may regret. My fiance certainly was not able to salvage his relationship with his EA. I would never be able to trust that he could be discreet with her about me and I am sure that she would constantly ask about me.

One of the problems with OSFs is that we will never know when a so-called friend finally decides to up the relationship and then accuse their friend of leading them when the other friend isn't interested. and cites the fact that they regularly get together for these datelike outings as evidence of leading one on.


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## WanttoKeepUs (Aug 11, 2013)

I would have a major problem if I found out my wife was going out to lunch with another man behind my back. I would consider that cheating or at least the first step towards it. That would be a huge violation of my trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Hanging out with a friend together alone_ in public_ is usually fine, but I want to be told about it. Not so fine in private, and certainly not if not told _in advance_.

We've had no problems in our friendships with opposite sex friends and exes, we have clear boudaries, and we trust each other to respect them. Atypically, our relationship has been open for 13 years, and to make that work requires extraordinarily good communication and rules.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

MrK said:


> Secrecy, definite.
> 
> Wife: I'm going to lunch with Bob again. Be back later.
> 
> ...



I have heard this from many of my past boyfriends!!!! And actually in some cases it has been true.
I just got out of a pretty abusive relationship, but before that STBX were engaged and we kind of sped up the marriage for 2 reasons: 

I needed medical coverage and my job had individual policies and there was a pre X. I needed neurosurgery ASAP. 

The other thing was his culture and technically they are not supposed to date. The average meet to marriage time is 6 months.

I have had a platonic friend for maybe 5 years and he point blank told me that I should've told him all this stuff because we could've just gotten married and I wouldn't have to be with this abusive a$$. Needless to say I was stunned but thought that it was an amazing thing to say.

BTW he was the first person to say that there was something off about my STBX. We have never so much as kissed and I have been drunk and stoned (incident at gay pride parade) so he could have taken advantage.

I will say I have had some scary encounters with men who assume that just because I am talking to them or having a coffee that we are now in a relationship. In fact, I had a guy who was a college advisor go completely bonkers and sent me nasty e-mails from his work account about our so called relationship (um I asked him about classes and had to take tests, saw him only at school 3-4 times and he was close to 30 years older)
He even showed up at a bar from my house and left me messages to meet him or else. Needless to say he got fired.

I think the key to all this is that both people have to be in healthy places and respect each other as human beings (having some attraction once when your life is out of balance is okay) But not to cross those boundaries unless you are both single and know this is something more.

It becomes an issue when you have to sneak around, or if you end up constantly complaining about your relationship and pulling away from the person who you are married to/dating.

Now of course, there is also irrational controlling by a spouse, male or female, where someone can't even go to a bar with a few friends without that person having a huge problem, especially if they come home when they say they will and you know all the people involved.

I just think this depends on the person.My stbx had a crazy preoccupation with strippers, I heard about them all the time - which btw guys is not a good idea. Well he was spending time with his "cousins" at a bar except it was a strip club. I'm talking 10-20 times in a 6 month period. So same sex friendships can steer you away also.

Not to speak for all women, but when we feel like we can't talk to you, and bring this up over and over without you recognizing this- yes we will start talking to our male friends. Sometimes it's for advice on male behavior, other times it can get sketchy. 

To add to an even longer post- I am the type of woman who has had 1-2 close female friends, but more male friends. Probably because we have more interests in common.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I work with more men than women. Occasionally I will hang out with the guys. However, I do my best to not have it be a one-on-one situation ever, it's always a mixed group.

My H and I have an agreement that we can both hang out with OSF as long as the other has met/known the OSF beforehand. There is no argument if he or I say we want to go along. And on the off-chance either of us wanted to spend time with an ex, then it has to be a group outing with BOTH of us present.

Like other posters are saying though, it's all your relationship's comfort zone. What works for one might not work for the other.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband have always shared every "highlight" of our day with each other...since our teens...if /when we run into a friend, have a chat/ phone conversation... if I dropped in on a opposite sex friend cause I saw him out in the yard & he motioned me over (for instance- it's happened).... if one has dropped in at our house... ...we are "that day" quick to share it ...it's just part of our overall conversation. 

So IF him or myself suddenly was "sneaking" or hiding seeing another alone out & about (& most especially if we were physically attracted)....for US I say....Oh yes.. it would signal digging for a little "excitement"... no doubt about it....slippery slope there !

Happy to say this has never happened in all of our years together.








... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Always better to be straightforward and honest.
Sneaking implies dishonesty.

So earlier this afternoon I was at a mall in our town. I ran into a female ,married friend of mine whom I haven't seen for a while.
Here's how the convo went.

*Her*; Hi D , [ big smile on face ] soooo long I haven't seen you! [ kisses me on my left cheek]
*Me*; Hi A! Me too...how are you? I thought you were back in Miami?
*Her* : No! I would not go without first telling you ,dummy! So where are you heading to in such a hurry?
*Me*: I'm heading to our store , you?
*Her*; I'm supposed to meet A [ her husband ]
*Me* ; [ Jokingly ] should I run?
*Her* ; [ Rolling eyes in sarcasm ] No fool! [ We both laugh, she mentions she's leaving next month ]Here he comes!
Husband;[ Walks up to me and greets me] D , whats up? 
*Me*; Cool .[ We exchange pleasantries ] 
*Husband*; [ Turns to her, gives her a light kiss ,whispers something, takes her hand and they both smile] Anyways , we're late see you, bye!
*Me*; Adios! [ And I'm on my way.]

She's a client and a friend of mine , she's also the person who designed my website , updates it and keeps it up and running.

Whilst I haven't told my wife I met her at the mall yet, I'm sure when we're lying in bed later exchanging details about her day,
I will mention to her :
_" Hun , guess who I ran into today at the mall?"_


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