# 7 months after discovery -- new developments, new troubles



## Granfalloon (Nov 14, 2014)

My wife and I (both mid 30s, married 4 years, one child - 3) are currently dealing with the fallout from an affair a few months ago. I discovered it accidentally, and we found ourselves in counseling, both individual and couples, in pretty short order. Still there.

The affair continued for a time afterward, though, despite her assurances that she had cut all ties/no contact etc. Trust issues are now one of the biggest hurdles we face. The affair has been over for a couple months now, and we recently had a great joint meeting with her individual counselor that was very healing for me. Go team. I felt like we were finally starting to get our feet back under us.

In the meantime, though, I had been contacting a joint friend of hers (a woman, her best friend who was also a friend of mine before my wife and I began dating) while I was in the fog -- looking for insight into her behavior, struggling with my options in the face of the affair and the loss of trust. Whenever I'd find something questionable happening, I'd give her a call, let her talk me down. This friend had also dealt with infidelity, and I just needed someone to talk to. My wife and I had decided jointly to handle this issue privately, only letting our very closest friends know what we were dealing with. And even then, just the barest details. This friend knew the basics of the affair, as told to her by my wife, but I inadvertently spilled additional details to her in our conversations. I put a lot of weight on this person in asking for her support, and I know it wasn't an easy burden to shoulder. Particularly since I knew full well that my wife would not have approved of me talking about our issues in depth with anyone, let alone her best friend. Sigh -- I knew that, but I just needed someone to talk to about this so badly, someone that knew both of us ...

And there's the root of our current batch of troubles. As this friend has found out more about the affair, her relationship with my wife suffered. Nothing terrible, but they spent less time together, less talking to each other. My wife had picked up on this and asked me more than once if I had any idea why this might be happening. Like a coward, I said, "No."

Recently, she and my wife got together for drinks, like you do, and the friend came clean about being my shoulder, about the additional details/lies that she now knew (not pretty stuff, to be honest). I don't fault this person for that. I should've been more upfront with my wife in the beginning about where I was getting support.

Now we've regressed. My wife feels that I've broken her trust (I have), that I've ruined her best-friendship, that I've attacked her and made her feel the same as I did when I first found out about her infidelity. To date, I've always been the honest one, to a fault sometimes. I think it was a blow to her to find that I'm just a man, flawed like everyone else. I feel like she's turned the situation around and now feels like the victim. I was asked to spend last night in a hotel (I did). She told me she wants a divorce, that she can't trust me any longer. Irony. Haven't been able to talk to her since then -- I'm being frozen out.

I ... I just don't know what to do. We were so close to putting some real distance behind us ... and now? I don't know. I'd like to find a way to work toward forgiveness or at least be given the chance to fight for this marriage in the same way that I treated her after her mistakes/affair, but I can't tell if it's in the cards anymore.

Currently allowing her the space she clearly wants, but it's breaking my heart. I want to grab her, tell her that we've _both _ made mistakes and that I want _so badly_ for us to stay focused on the progress we've both seen recently. That we've been sick, but now we're well again and there's work to do.

I just don't know how to break down this wall that she's put up.

Thanks for reading.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Your cheating WW is completely unremorseful and you you are in False R.

Cheaters never want to be exposed for their affairs. 

You've broken her trust? Seriously?

:rofl:

What you should have done is shown her consequence for her affairs and exposed it to friends, family, and the Other Man's Girl Friend/Wife (OMGF/OMW).

And how do you even know that the affair is over? Because she said so? If you aren't monitoring her, then the affair is probably underground now.

You're headed for trouble. From the Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights in my signature.

*11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So she bangs some OM and gets to call the shots? WTF?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Seriously? Your wife can get the **** over it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jasel said:


> seriously? Your wife can get the **** over it.


ikr? Omg!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W infidelity does not *remotely* touch your talking with someone about what had occurred. *IT'S NOT EVEN IN THE SAME REALM!!!!! *

Your W best friendship should have been you. You see how she used and abused that friendship. 

Your only mistake was you made no mistakes IMO. 

Your W needs to have some consequences to her poor decision. She gets away scott free and you are left on you own to figure it out? Sorry, that only works for one in this party of two.


Tell your W to just deal with it. This is how she handled the infidelity and you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Serve her the divorce papers! Jeez, she tells you to go to a hotel and you meekly go? Seriously?

I'm betting the affair is still on and she's in contact with the OM by her actions.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Was her affair an EA or a PA? How long did it last?


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

as they all said........you have done nothing wrong. she is the one who has trampled on the trust in the marriage.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Granfalloon said:


> My wife and I (both mid 30s, married 4 years, one child - 3) are currently dealing with the fallout from an affair a few months ago. I discovered it accidentally, and we found ourselves in counseling, both individual and couples, in pretty short order. Still there.
> 
> The affair continued for a time afterward, though, despite her assurances that she had cut all ties/no contact etc. Trust issues are now one of the biggest hurdles we face. The affair has been over for a couple months now, and we recently had a great joint meeting with her individual counselor that was very healing for me. Go team. I felt like we were finally starting to get our feet back under us.
> 
> ...


I am amazed at the WS. 

Just say, "Sweetheart, you destroyed your relationship with your best friend when you had the affair. My fault was agreeing to maintain your secrets. It will not happen again."

Your WW is blameshifting ... shut that down immediately if you wish to R.


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## Granfalloon (Nov 14, 2014)

These responses are tough to read -- but eye-opening. Your candor is rough, but maybe it's what I need. Have I been so blinded by the way things used to be?

I'm comfortable saying the affair is over: I have full access to her phone/accounts/work/etc, the whole nine yards. But just because that's so doesn't mean our reconciliation isn't a pile of crap. i.e. I do feel like she resents the transparency.

So she says she feels the same as I did on d-day. If she actually thinks this is true, then she obviously doesn't understand what that really feels like. How do I turn that around for someone who's so defensive and locked-down right now? How do I keep her from playing the victim card?

Or am I just pissing in the wind?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Calm down, and think everything through from a logical prospective.

In no way does the two even equate.

Detach, and take your wife off the pedestal, because that is what you have place her on. 

Because you did, you have been taken advantage of.

Your emotions will swing wildly,.

Seek neutral, and cold logic.

Your wife destroyed your trust, cheated on you, and placed everything in jeopardy.

When she says she wants a divorce, tell her to pay for it and grant it to her.

Make sure everything is fair, and lets see what she does.

Become cold steel.

Look at her now, with everything you know, she doesn't possess the qualities you want in a mate anymore.

Love is not enough for a marriage, a person needs , traits, and values has to match yours.

Get a separation quickly, and separate finances, cancel all credit cards, and move back.

It is your home too.

Regain your self-respect, and regain some independence back.

Somewhere , you probably lost yourself in your marriage.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have her go to one more counseling session and reverse the roles.

She kept up the A after it was discovered, and she is not remorseful, if she is treating you like this.

Tell her she needs to leave not you.

And expose the A for her family and yours.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife (should be your ex-wife) hasn't shown an ounce of remorse. Just some real skill at rug sweeping, blame shifting and being entitled.

You have not done anything wrong and if you think you were making "good progress" you were sadly mistaken - you were in a false reconciliation. Else she would be bending over backwards to please not pretending to be a good wife. And the issue of confiding in her friend would never be an issue.

You need to take control of this situation and make her understand that you do not believe that she has been truly remorseful for what she did. And that she doesn't really take any responsibility for what she did.

Get your ducks in a row in terms of finances, custody, legal issues and get ready to file for D. This is the only way to make her see that you mean business. Even if you don't end up divorcing. She needs to see for herself the wrong she has done, want to put it right, and then take active positive steps to ensure that it is put right.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Granfalloon said:


> So she says she feels the same as I did on d-day. If she actually thinks this is true, then she obviously doesn't understand what that really feels like.


She has no idea.

Interesting that you gloss over her affair and write a post about the real problem - _your betrayal_ (you'd chuckle if you had the distance from the situation we have).

Are you sure her affair is over? Who was the Other Man? How do you _know_?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)




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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Granfallon, 

People here tend to be fairly skeptical and a little "scorched earth" when it comes to infidelity, so I want you to bear that in mind as you read responses. 

However, I want to speak to you as someone who was formerly disloyal. What you did was not cool--I agree with that. You spoke to another female human being, you gave the other female intimate details and shared your heartache with her, and you lied to your wife about your connection with this other female--AND it was her best friend to boot. These are things that I do think you need to own: they are on YOUR side of the street. Envision a leaf or two on the right side of the street which is your side to maintain. 

But it was not you telling the truth that lead to the disconnect between your wife and her best friend. Would it have been more ideal to tell a GUY buddy? Yep. Would it have been more ideal if you hadn't kept it hidden? Yep, sure would. But the fact that your wife now has a strained relationship with this friend is because SHE acted poorly, covered up her true intentions from her own close friend, and was a person who had the character to commit adultery! See, your side of the street has a few leaves--true enough--and you should indeed own what's yours. But this isn't yours!!! It's hers, and her side of the street has THOUSANDS of leaves to clean up! She acted immorally. She hid the truth from her friend. She lied to her. She behaved in a way that the friend does not find acceptable for a close friend. She damaged the friendship. 

So I encourage you to own the things you did do--that's what a mature adult does: they take personal responsibility. It is not cool that you hid this from your wife or that you revealed your soul to another woman either. That's WAAAAY too risky (but I suspect you see that now). 

BUT she needs to also take personal responsibility for HER SIDE and you can't make her do that. You can only control yourself and your side of the street. From what you've written, it does NOT sound like she has fully taken ownership of the fullness of what she's done. She may be minimizing and she is definitely deflecting and blameshifting. So don't accept what should be on her shoulders. 

And finally--for the love of God move back home tonight. There is no reason on God's green earth you should be out of the home. If you want to, sleep in another bedroom. But if she is so upset by this little thing, I would think she would have ENORMOUS empathy for you then if she truly realized what she's done. She would be thinking: "Wow I feel like this over a little lie, and I *really* lied to him! He must feel like his heart is ripped out of his chest!" 

So go back home tonight, and if she doesn't like it, let HER leave the bedroom or leave the house. Do not...I repeat DO NOT move out. [Frankly, the fact she wanted you out is a red flag in my opinion that she's trying to get herself "set up" for getting you out and getting loverboy in.]


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Granfalloon,

You're getting great advice. Let me summarize it for you:

_Find your [email protected] and start acting like a man._

Your weakness has cost you your WW's respect. If you are to have any chance of regaining it and saving your marriage, you need to start showing her that _you_ are in charge of your reconciliation. If that's not OK with her, then you need to file for divorce.

It's really as simple as that.

Good luck.


P.S.: Read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover and _"Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"_ by Athol Kay.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Granfalloon said:


> So she says she feels the same as I did on d-day. If she actually thinks this is true, then she obviously doesn't understand what that really feels like.


She jerking your chain Dawg. You slept in a hotel? Spent a few more days in hotel with no contact. You need to quit behaving like she's holding most of the cards. Remember, she got the idea from you that you will respond to her like a trained monkey. You need to think about whether you really want to spend the next several years with a woman who has no loyalty. Make no mistake about it, you can not trust her. Since her track record now is cheating, how can you ever be confident she won't do it again. You can't my man. Understand to when a woman cheats, her interest level in you is already low.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Gran, 

I have to tell you that after reading you post I found myself getting angry not at your wife but you for allowing her to turn the tables on you...since when was this about her feelings...remember you wouldn't have to reach to her friend in the first place if she had not stepped out of your marriage...now you much back home and take control again,....you call her out on it and if she wants a diverse fine but you tell everyone about what she did...this was not about you bout about her actions first and foremost.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

granfalloon



Great Advice so far!

Especially from AffairCare.

You have to realize that what she did does not compare to what you did.

Are they both wrongs? Yes. But come on man wakeup!

Your wife is justifying your misdeeds so she can dismiss you from the marriage not just from the house.

So go home.

And if she wants a divorce then give it to her.

And the day she has you served you email every family member and friend just why you two are divorcing.

Then your wife will truly comprehend what she has been asking you to do all these months.

Cover up her affair. For her.

She does not deserve it. Worse, she is not remorseful.

Has she ever told you why she decided to have an affair when only being married for 4 years???

HM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, it's all your fault, huh?

And she's ended the affair, right?

I would not bet on that, to be honest.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Granfalloon said:


> My wife and I (both mid 30s, married 4 years, one child - 3) are currently dealing with the fallout from an affair a few months ago. I discovered it accidentally, and we found ourselves in counseling, both individual and couples, in pretty short order. Still there.
> 
> The affair continued for a time afterward, though, despite her assurances that she had cut all ties/no contact etc. Trust issues are now one of the biggest hurdles we face. The affair has been over for a couple months now, and we recently had a great joint meeting with her individual counselor that was very healing for me. Go team. I felt like we were finally starting to get our feet back under us.
> 
> ...


 Let me get this right. She f**ks another man, continues seeing this other man even after getting caught, gets to decide what a friend that you knew first knows about the affair, and feels that you telling the friend the truth about the affair is something worse than her f**king this other man, such that she gets to punish you more than you were punishing her for f**king this other man? You are kidding me right? This is a joke. 

First, as part of your recovery from her affair, you the person that was cheated on (and not her) on gets to decide who knows and what they know. Second, her reaction just told you that she thinks damaging her friendship with this friend is more important that her damaging her marriage by f**king her lover. Third, she expects you to have consequences for telling the truth about her cheating, but does not expect consequences for her cheating. Forth, the space that she needs is so that she can resume the affair with the other man, where she is using this lame reasoning as an excuse to be the victim so that she can blame you for your cheating. 

Your wife is not remorseful at all for cheating on you. Without true remorse there can be no true reconciliation. Your were letting her rug sweep her cheating, and made it so easy on her that she now takes your forgiveness for her cheating for granted.

Tell her the following:
1) That as the one that was cheated on you have a right to tell anyone that you want, as the cheater does not get to make that call. 
2) That the only thing that you are sorry for is that you let her bully you into agreeing to remain silent and to allow her to rug sweep the affair without consequences. 
3) That she needs to show you that she understands the true level of her betrayal to you, and make a strong effort to earn your forgiveness for her affair.
4) That if she ever brings up you telling your joint friend (who knew only the wife's version of the affair) the truth about the affair ever again, as if it was a betrayal on the same level as her affair, that you will file for immediate divorce.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Start by getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) for the house and her car. Read weightlifters posts about doing this the right way. 


Was the OM married?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
How many people do you think are wrong on this? There is only one, you. Your WW is playing you like a cheap violin. She is manipulating you and making you feel guilty for not accepting her tryst and it's working. Go home and tell her that SHE had the affair and you confided in a friend and if she is not okay with it then you two can work on that AFTER she does whatever heavy lifting she needs to do to heal you.

I am so sorry to say this but you two were never in real R. She was biding her time figuring her next move and when this crying on a friends shoulder situation came up it was the perfect opportunity for her to get you gone, save face and maybe reconnect with the OM all in one fell swoop. Can you not see this. Your R has not been set back because you never left square one.

She should have been telling everyone she knows what she did and how badly she hurt you and how thankful she was that you are giving her another chance. Instead she gets mad at you and kicks you out??? Are you kidding me? If there is any hope at all for your marriage she must become repentant and she never will with you acting like the monster to her victim. Make her own this however you have to if you want any shot at saving your marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You gave your wife the out she was waiting for. She was never serious about R. Why would she carry on five months after you discovered it if she was serious?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> Granfallon,
> 
> You spoke to another female human being, you gave the other female intimate details and shared your heartache with her, and you lied to your wife about your connection with this other female--AND it was her best friend to boot.


And indicative of his vast knowledge and understanding of women, he didn't think the two girls would eventually get together to compare notes.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Your wife is probably very happy that you told your friend and lied about it. She now has a justification for running back to her lover (if she ever left him - I don't believe for a second that she did as she's way to entitled and unremorseful).

She can now completely blame you for the breakdown of the marriage and the upcoming divorce.

One piece of advice. If you are still out of your home, get back in there. She can move to the couch or another room. You sleep in your own bed.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you a stay at home dad by any chance?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Granfalloon said:


> she resents the transparency.
> 
> So she says she feels the same as I did on d-day. If she actually thinks this is true, then she obviously doesn't understand what that really feels like. How do I turn that around for someone who's so defensive and locked-down right now? How do I keep her from playing the victim card?


You let her play any card she wants. You tell her that as long as she accepts the rules of transparency, she's allowed to still live with you. And if she doesn't like it, she's free to leave.

She's trying to regain control of things. And it looks like you're letting her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Granfalloon...

I don't think I've ever seen a thread on TAM where EVERY SINGLE bit of advice you're getting is SPOT-ON, dead center.

I hope you are reading all of this, taking it all in. Especially AffairCare and TRy's comments... (everyone's is good, don't mean to slight anyone).

Print this thread out, read it over and over, n*t up, STOP LETTING HER CALL THE SHOTS AND GUILT YOU!!! You have NOTHING to be guilty about.

You can tell anyone, anytime, anywhere about her slinking around with another man. You EARNED it through her deception, and you have that RIGHT.

Hang in there...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Granfalloon said:


> These responses are tough to read -- but eye-opening. Your candor is rough, but maybe it's what I need. Have I been so blinded by the way things used to be?
> 
> I'm comfortable saying the affair is over: I have full access to her phone/accounts/work/etc, the whole nine yards. But just because that's so doesn't mean our reconciliation isn't a pile of crap. i.e. I do feel like she resents the transparency.
> 
> ...


Oh boy. You deserve better.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Your cheating WW is completely unremorseful and you you are in False R.
> 
> Cheaters never want to be exposed for their affairs.
> 
> ...


I agree 110%.

Compare the trust issues. ..

SHE committed the single worst act a married person can- total betrayal. Then she lied about it being over.

YOU confided in a trusted friend your pain and lied about it.

Please tell us this isn't some joke.

She wants a divorce now because she thinks she can somehow pin it on you. That tells me she wanted one all along.

Sorry to say this but it was all over when she started screwing other men. She knew it. You didn't.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I agree 110%.
> 
> Compare the trust issues. ..
> 
> ...


I just...
Forget it
:slap::slap::slap::banghead::banghead:


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Granfalloon said:


> My wife and I (both mid 30s, married 4 years, one child - 3) are currently dealing with the fallout from an affair a few months ago. I discovered it accidentally, and we found ourselves in counseling, both individual and couples, in pretty short order. Still there.
> 
> The affair continued for a time afterward, though, despite her assurances that she had cut all ties/no contact etc. Trust issues are now one of the biggest hurdles we face. The affair has been over for a couple months now, and we recently had a great joint meeting with her individual counselor that was very healing for me. Go team. I felt like we were finally starting to get our feet back under us.
> 
> ...


This is why couples need their own good friends. Each person needs their own friendships outside of the marriage. It is part of developing ourselves and our own individual needs and interests. How is one friend supposed to be the confident of each side of a marriage? Then they are no longer a fiend, but a marriage counselor.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Granfalloon said:


> These responses are tough to read -- but eye-opening. Your candor is rough, but maybe it's what I need. Have I been so blinded by the way things used to be?
> 
> I'm comfortable saying the affair is over: I have full access to her phone/accounts/work/etc, the whole nine yards. But just because that's so doesn't mean our reconciliation isn't a pile of crap. i.e. I do feel like she resents the transparency.
> 
> ...


Whether she recognizes it or not, she is realizing that her most intimate relationships, that of her marriage and her best friend are not truly intimate. She has not been transparent with either of you. 
She doesn't have any real intimacy in her life. Hard place to be. Lots of people are like that, but not everybody faces it.


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## shellgames (Sep 2, 2014)

Your WW is acting just like my WW who did not end contact.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Grandfallon
Your wife committed one of the biggest relationship killers of all time. She betrayed you and your children for her ego or emotions. .You did a risky thing in going to a female and keeping it secret but your bad is like comparing your sprained ankle to her colon cancer!

*You have no chance of having a real reconciliation as long as she is focusing on your sprained ankle and not dealing with her cancer. *Your best bet is for you to realize that you have to become more self-sufficient so that you no longer depend on her as you do. You going to a motel because she is resentful of you and feels that you owe her tells me that your evaluation of this situation is leaning in the direction of you being to co-dependent on her and willing to put your bad as priority over her bad.

*My advice is for you to work on yourself so that you get to the point that you can live with her or without her*. Her attitude is completely within her control and not yours. Do not try to nicey-nice her or lovey-lovely her because that will show you are weak and it would not help her anyway. 

You can tell her you realize your mistake and will prove to her that you are not going to do that again but she has to show you that she realizes that her betrayal involved a lot more than just secrecy! In addition to her realizing her situation she has to show you with ACTIONS in attitude and deed!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Granfalloon said:


> These responses are tough to read -- but eye-opening. Your candor is rough, but maybe it's what I need. Have I been so blinded by the way things used to be?
> 
> I'm comfortable saying the affair is over: I have full access to her phone/accounts/work/etc, the whole nine yards. But just because that's so doesn't mean our reconciliation isn't a pile of crap. i.e. I do feel like she resents the transparency.
> 
> ...


Mate, move back into your house if you're not already there.

It always pays to be honest, even though you were unburdening yourself but as others have said you're lying in no way trumps her infedility.

My guess is it was her suggestion (or her gentle persuation) about only telling the closest friends about what happened. How you can only tell the bare minimum is beyond me because it's pretty self evident. Physical Affair=Banging.

What exactly is she angry enough about to want to divorce? The fact you told her friend what actually happened and how you felt?

This doesn't get to get turned around on you and held over your head, which is what she's doing.

You apologise for not being honest with her about talking to the friend but you stand your ground on moving out. You both can go back to IC/MC and work on this together, she refuses still acting like you had the affair and she has the right to act hard done by, go and see a lawyer and get papers drawn.

She doesn't get to play that card. The fact she's playing it so extremely means she hasn't learnt anything. Not learning anything and being unremorseful=trouble in the future.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Oh man, this woman needs to be cut down to size.

The whole thing with her girlfriend can be dispensed with quickly by explaining that this is the fallout when you start whoring around like a two bit tramp. You don't get to complain about some penny ante problem like your husband confiding his profound loss with another person. That's on your wife.

Somewhere in this false reconciliation she has escaped the lava and hot gas that follows a betrayal like this. You realize that, right? She Betrayed You! She committed adultery, broke her vows, wiped her feet on you, and doesn't want to face it.

How to keep her from playing the victim card? Well, get things in the open. Talk about what happened. You asked for someone for advice, and didn't tell her. 
She got in bed repeatedly with another man and screwed the daylights out of him, then came home to you like nothing had ever happened.

Tell her what she did, she seems to have forgotten.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your poor, poor wife. Always the victim. /sarcasm mode off/

She did it all. She
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Granfalloon said:


> These responses are tough to read -- but eye-opening. Your candor is rough, but maybe it's what I need. Have I been so blinded by the way things used to be?
> 
> I'm comfortable saying the affair is over: I have full access to her phone/accounts/work/etc, the whole nine yards. But just because that's so doesn't mean our reconciliation isn't a pile of crap. i.e. I do feel like she resents the transparency.
> 
> ...


You haven't come back to comment. The responses here are based on experience. If you don't believe them, start reading their stories. You can't just go to counselling and have everything magically be fixed. Sorry you don't get what you had back again just like that. It's broken and it still is. That's the reality.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Granfalloon said:


> These responses are tough to read -- but eye-opening. Your candor is rough, but maybe it's what I need. Have I been so blinded by the way things used to be?
> 
> I'm comfortable saying the affair is over: I have full access to her phone/accounts/work/etc, the whole nine yards. But just because that's so doesn't mean our reconciliation isn't a pile of crap. i.e. I do feel like she resents the transparency.
> 
> ...


Well it depends on which directions you are aiming whilst you piss.

If your goal is to keep her from getting the emotional upper hand the plan of action is for you to solidify the cause and effect aspect of your reactions to her behavior. You also remind her that if this was indeed her best friend she feel upset and guilty from keeping her in the dark and/or lying to her as well. Real friends will give themselves face palms over the actions of others the associate with and simply offer help in any way possible so long as the means for support are intended to help or strive for an honest appreciation. 

Your wife's attempt at regression is the rationalization hamster wheel seeking a reason to not only seek out her "Emotional High" but also fabricate a reason to see your marriage as the unhappy one she perceived during her affair. Like a smoker thru withdrawal, she is looking for a reason to got to the store and get some cigarettes, life stress, bad day at work, something to aggravate her etc, but she knows she cannot simply say "I want a cigarette" no matter how bad the urge may be due to the nature of the demand. She needs a reason to rather than admit she simply cannot commit and quit. 

Stick with the truth and do not waste your time contrasting or negotiating about these extremely different events. It'll just play right into her hands. Stand firm sir.


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## shellgames (Sep 2, 2014)

Watch out for the affair to go underground. You may think you have access to everything....


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Every one should know. Cheaters never liked to be labeled cheaters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Here's my take:

You fear divorce. If your wife does it all, it's minimal.

That fear of divorce led you to rug sweep her A. 

Your wife wants to avoid consequences. She wants to get up off that moral low ground compared to you. So she plays the victim to make that happen.

If your wife were remorseful, she would understand the gravity of what she did and would take you confiding with her friend in stride. She would still be trying to show you every day, that she regrets what she did and that she's willing to do the heavy lifting to repair the damage. 

Here's what I would do if I were you. I would move back into the house. I would collect all these posters' comments and use the them put together a theme for your sit down conversation with her. 

Essentially, you should tell her that after some time alone with your thoughts, you've come to realize the mistakes you made in handling her A. That though you wished you could have found a better choice in a person to confide in, you don't feel the need to apologize for that. That if she not willing to get past that and show consistent remorse for her cheating, that you will be the one to make the decision to divorce.

If she doesn't turn around. Stick by your word.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You'll have to prove and not assume she's not at it like bunnies. Seems it's still on. VAR the car and home. Monitor.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

First you need to regroup, she can only be a victim if you let her. There was nothing wrong with you telling her friend, you mistake was not being honest about the situation. I don't think that confiding in another woman was a good idea, just for the mere appearance. However, there is an extreme difference in your behavior, she slept with the OM you did not. This looks to be a false reconciliation to me. She is just ticked that you outed her to her bestie. If she is done that is on her, time to implement the 180.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Don't let this woman belittle what she did and put it on the same level as her affair. They are not even close. She is telling herself that in her mind. But you need to slap her with reality. Remind her that this is affair byproduct. If she is upset that you sought help for someone just to talk to, tell her to imagine you screwing that person and see which one feels worse.


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## ZombieOnViagra (Nov 29, 2014)

It's been 2 weeks since G's last post. Lots of great advice was given to him. I hope he uses it to develop a healthier mindset and to help him form an effective plan of action that best suits his situation.


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