# Newly Married..He's Depressed and I'm Suspicious



## missingvines (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi all...

I don't know where to start, or summarize. I married what I thought to be my soulmate last August, and we just recently had a little baby girl. She's amazing. 

The problem is that I deal with anxiety and my husband is severely depressed and not on meds or seeking therapy. I'm determined our relationship might be better if my self-esteem weren't shot, but it doesn't help that he shows no interest in anything.

Unlike most depressives, he is 'motivated' in some ways. He obsessively cleans, writes and makes music, and other habits that don't require too much co-depedence (if any). He tells me he loves me, and wants me around, but it seems like his actions say otherwise. I am not depressed, and can't pretend to know what depression entails, so I am hoping to get some kind of constructive feedback to help my marriage make it. 

All of this I've told him: I feel alone. I feel like I can't talk to him. I feel like he doesn't care. I feel like it doesn't matter to him that I'm there at all, or that any of the little things (or big things) I try to do for him even matter. I feel unloved, unappreciated, and unworthy of any time or attention on his part.

His responses always come back to having little or no money, but I've said again and again that what I want is quality time with him, or some verbal support maybe including that I mean something to him. Financially, those cost nothing. He's written songs for old loves, writes about what they meant to him, but we've been together a year and a half and I feel like chopped liver. He can't compliment me, ask how my day was, or be the least bit supportive. To be fair to him, he doesn't require those sentiments, so I can kind of see why he wouldn't think to give them either. Except that I told him they would help. 

His history and family is a cluster-f of depression, alcoholism, and anxiety. I can see why he is the way he is, and admire that he is very discrete, very 'in control' and very regimented, but those same things could also destroy our marriage. His constant indifference to me leads me to believe he a) doesn't care about me at all or b) will find someone else more inspiring if not both. 

He's an island..he needs no one and needs nothing from anyone. I need a relationship. I need someone I can talk to, feel comfortable with, who I feel loved with, and I'm afraid this is never going to come to reality. On his side, I can see why he doesn't open up; I take any interest he shows in other girls, platonic, professional or otherwise, to mean he's interested in them and I have freaked out on him a few times, and I've told him I didn't think this would occur if I actually felt like he felt anything for me. Numerous times he's told me he'd try but I never see his. He also says things like he hopes I pass away first (i'm guessing when we're old) because he could make it with out me and I couldn't. I don't think he realizes what a relationship is and views me as overly dependent, when what I'm asking for is a traditional relationship. I want a husband; a confidant, a partner, and an equal. Not someone who keeps me at arms length and shares little.

I rambled a bit...I just need advice from someone else who is depressed that might shed some light on this relationship. I know I have my own anxiety issues but I'm tired of feeling unwanted or like I'm not worth ten minutes of his day. I've supported him when he got laid off, I do things to show affection, I bring him little things he likes to try to make him happy, and I feel like I'm pouring emotions into a black hole. I'm working on my own issues too..I just want a relationship that makes both of us remotely happy...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

missingvines said:


> Hi all...
> 
> I don't know where to start, or summarize. I married what I thought to be my soulmate last August, and we just recently had a little baby girl. She's amazing.
> 
> ...


Looks like we are in the same boat. My husband and I have been together about a year and a half...and we have been having all kinds of problems lately. Porn, workaholism, secrecy, lack of sex, depression...last night, for the first time, he used the depression as a blanket excuse for all our problems. Told me I should be looking up 'living with depression'. I don't understand it either because I've never been 'depressed'. He is on anti-depressants, but that's it. He's been on them for years, and frankly, I don't think they're doing a damn thing...Last night, we had a huge blowout over his secrecy about the porn, the past, and the present. I have 0% trust right now, and every time we make a smidge of progress, he does something to blow that away. I am now suspicious that he is having an emotional affair...there are many signs that point to something like this, and he has done it in the past (to his first wife). I think it's with the same person, too...I've told him that I can no longer shoulder it on my own, and that he has to go see a therapist if we've any chance of fixing our relationship. We are killing it at the momenet, him with his secrecy and me with my suspicions...anyways, all this rambling to say I feel for you and I hope we can all come up with some tools/solutions to make things work for us.


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## missingvines (Nov 15, 2011)

See...I'm more scared of an emotional affair than a physical one because he really isn't that interested in sex. Porn isn't a problem (that I'm aware of). Though he does keep everything wiped clean on his computer. He said it's a version of his cleaning - he is kind of OCD and anal retentive.

The idea of an emotional affair hurts because, I'm guessing as you do, I feel like I'm always here, always trying, but I'm scared someone else will seem more interesting..either just from the fact he'd barely know her or wouldn't have to see all her baggage. When you live together, I imagine some of that mystery is rubbed away, and an emotional affair scares me because someone else might be able to make him happy, or give him something to look forward to, and I'd feel like I wasn't good enough. I am trying to just be happier (in a chill sort of way..not overly perky) and stress him out less with my issues. 

If yours has done that before I'd be careful...I am learning to communicate more effectively, as my just nagging at him because I expected him to know what I was upset about wasn't working. When he does something I misinterpret I'm working on carefully explaining why that bothers me instead of going for the throat. Writing it all out, it makes sense, but it's very easy for me to get emotional and that's a language he just doesn't speak.

It also sounds to me like your guys med's aren't doin it..have you guys tried both going to a therapist together? We would..but we have no insurance.


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