# win my wife back - faster!



## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

Just passed the 5 year anniversary, in the last year or two we slowly drifted apart with the stresses of trying to raise two toddlers and going down to a single income household.

There is plenty of blame to go around, but a big fight was ignited when I lost my temper over something that means a lot to her, and I crapped on it.

It has been about a month of torture turning the ship around, and we're finally talking and doing things together again, but she just won't reciprocate affection (a hug, an i love you, holding hands). She'll give me sex if I push for it, because she doesn't want to be divorced, and knows that will sink the ship.

I'm really balancing being the "nice guy" but also be enough of a challenge for her. She is a very complex creature! I have really turned things around, I'm listening a lot better, helping around the house, and really being the all star husband.

Do you guys have any tips of how I can kick this into high gear. I want my wife back all the way and I don't think I should have to wait months to heal the scars.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Read the following books:
Hold On to your Nuts, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life Primer

You will find some of your issues, and solutions, in those books.. Should take you less than 10 hours to read them all and approx 1+ year to implement them


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

marrieddewd said:


> *I'm really balancing being the "nice guy" but also be enough of a challenge for her.* She is a very complex creature! I have really turned things around, I'm listening a lot better, helping around the house, and really being the all star husband.


That's game playing. Game playing isn't how healthy couples interact.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

@marrieddewd What was the fight about, what did you crap on.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

How old are you both ?
Married five years, two toddlers, and one income.
Lots of stress now and in the future.
Stop being Mr nice guy and do not be a bad guy.
Be a great guy, father and husband who has to 
and is expected to make the tough choices
for the family. I assume the one income is you ?

Bills have to be paid and you have to make 
choices where the money goes. If she wants 
something or expects something but it would hurt
the family in the long run, sorry she has to deal 
with it now. It is not just the two of you anymore but 
two kids now. Try and be the best man, husband, and 
father you can. That is all you can do.

Hope it works out for you. All you can do is try.


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

I was mean to her son. Said something I knew would make her mad.

Regarding playing games, she is doing that to me. She has said things that are flat out not true, just to dig the knife further. Then she'll waffle to a different opinion hours later. I'm not here to blame her or be negative. I just want to do the best I can do, that's all I can control. I can't control her. She won't go to counseling with me or even have a conversation. We have never been able to communicate well, I just have to work around it.

To an outsider, this probably isn't an incredibly healthy relationship, but are any relationships? Marriage is tough, and we're in uncharted waters. This is the longest relationship for both of us and we're running a marathon.

I'll take a look at the books. 1 year is a long time, but I gotta do what I gotta do.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

marrieddewd said:


> I was mean to her son. Said something I knew would make her mad.


OOOF, thats gonna be a tough one to get past. No mother is ever going to choose a man over her son. Depending on how bad what you said about the son is she may never look at you the same. If I suddenly found myself remarried (guess I'd have to get divorced first) and a new SO attacked my kids in any way that would be that. Mess with my kid and I go full on Hulk.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You can go to counseling by yourself first.
If you two have communication problems I
would suggest it. Maybe she will join you and 
see that you want to make the marriage work. 
Maybe not. 

Just like CnythiaDe posted, healthy couples 
do not play games. You said something and then
she says something else later. Tit for tat leads 
no where. Do not get pulled into playing this game.
You can not control her but you can control yourself.

Communication is very important in a marriage.

How old is her son and does he live with you ?
Is her son from a previous relationship ?
If so how long did that relationship last 
and why did it end ? That could be part of the
problem. Maybe.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

marrieddewd said:


> I was mean to her son. Said something I knew would make her mad.
> 
> Regarding playing games, she is doing that to me. She has said things that are flat out not true, just to dig the knife further. Then she'll waffle to a different opinion hours later. I'm not here to blame her or be negative. I just want to do the best I can do, that's all I can control. I can't control her. She won't go to counseling with me or even have a conversation. We have never been able to communicate well, I just have to work around it.
> 
> ...


How long have you interacted with her son? How old is he?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Steve2.0 said:


> Read the following books:
> Hold On to your Nuts, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life Primer
> 
> You will find some of your issues, and solutions, in those books.. Should take you less than 10 hours to read them all and approx 1+ year to implement them


If I may be so bold as to add….the trifecta of books written by Rollo Tomassi. 

Dewd, your wife ain't no more complex than any other girl. The mystery was solved millennia ago, it's just been purged from modern society. Re-learn, re-claim your masculinity.


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

@sa58 we’re 37, income is all me, son is from her previous marriage, it was a knocked up story gone wrong. We’ve been doing this 7 years. My words to hurt were built up frustration from years of dealing with her approach to conflict. She has a bad temper and puts words in my mouth during an argument, and will not finish conversations. Instead of trying to manage it I just turned into a mean guy.

Now I’ve turned my behavior around, it’s just been a slow process to get her to forgive compared to our previous quarrels. 

Regarding what you said about money, I have made all the decisions because I’m the only one that knows how to manage a budget around here. That’s a real point of frustration for her.

I decided not to care about money anymore and our savings are burning away like wild fire. I’ll just sell the house when it gets low, I don’t care about possessions as they mean nothing without her happy.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

marrieddewd said:


> I don’t care about possessions as they mean nothing without her happy.


…..and is she?


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

Is she what? A possession? I feel like that’s what I am.

Honestly I probably fell into that trap a few times evidenced by my poor listening skills. Another thing that I have fixed (or I’m fixing)

Great book recommendations! I suppose she can’t see me reading one of these, lol!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Buddy with the greatest of respect, your wife sounds like hard ****ing work.
It seems she has worn you down so much that you are prepared to lose your home just to placate her and her spending habits.
While reading these books consider what you are getting out of this relationship in comparison to what you are putting in.
You are the only wage earner,why can’t she get a job?.She refuses to stick to a budget and also refuses to communicate or to discuss anything in a civil and respectful manner.
In my own relationship my fiancée has a son so I know that things can be awkward.But as a poster on tam once told me communicate communicate communicate.I don’t think your wife is open to this though.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You posted something in the OP ''she doesn't want to be divorced.'' It's important to make sure that you're both committed to each other, and not just afraid of going through a divorce. That you both work on just enjoying each other, and not always ''working'' on getting past bad times.

As much as you need to work on being a good husband, your wife needs to treat you well, too. Don't forget that.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

marrieddewd said:


> Is she what?


Happy. You seem to think she can spend you into bankruptcy as long as she is happy. Is she….happy?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Thank you for your reply to my questions.

Sorry to be blunt but

Stop blaming yourself for everything that is 
going on in your life and family. You are not 
entirely at fault. It appears just stressed and 
frustrated. 

Keep balancing the family budget and taking care
of the bills etc. You are being responsible for your 
family and kids. (Including her son) Do not lose 
your home because of her. Your kids (toddlers her son )
need a place to live. You are currently providing that.
Many men today do not provide for their kids.
If she can not understand this that is her problem
to deal with. 

To me it appears she has some issues from before
you met her and she needs to deal with them.
Past relationships, dealing with conflict etc.
I suggest counseling if she will not go, then go
yourself. It will help you to talk with someone 
else. Does her ex pay child support ?. If not 
get it. That money is his not yours or hers but 
his. Many relationships on TAM with problems 
stem from past family problems and EX's.

Finally do not and I repeat do not let her
drag you down ( kids too) with her. You
sound like you love her a lot but you 
can not save her. She can only 
solve her problems herself, not you.

Be there for her but only you can decide 
how much crap and frustration you are willing 
to take from her. Take care of yourself and 
those kids. They all need you !!

Stand tall and let her deal with 
her problems. Again take care of yourself.
You sound like a very good man. She needs to
see that and understand you are doing all you can.

Stop being so nice and taking her crap also.
Just leave for a while if you have to calm down.
Do not play her game any more.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sorry to day that love cannot be willed into or out of existence. Once gone it is very rare to get it back. The most you can hope for is to be cordial to each other. If you doubt me, try making yourself love someone you see at work. Love is nothing more than chemicals in your brain and once they are no longer washing over your brain, love is gone. I do wish you well but in my 67 years I have seen couples in your situation and it is very difficult to make someone love you again. My sister tried it. My sister-in-law tried it. My best friend tried it. My wife's best friend tried it and I can go on and on and they all eventually got divorced. There is always hope that you can beat the odds but personally I would not stay with someone who no longer loves me. A wise woman once said that as soon as your spouse says that she does not love you, leave as quickly as you can.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Win her back faster? Who knows. From my own experience there were times I believed I never would and contemplated moving on. Maybe I still will. She just turned the corner and seems like she is committed to us 1st. How long was the drought? About 9 years. Most of the time it was torture. It took me years to gain most of my self respect back. Some of it will never come back and there will always be a small bit of doubt in my mind. 

What made the most positive impact and accelerated things back to where they are now? Me standing up for myself and not taking any of her crap.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

marrieddewd said:


> Just passed the 5 year anniversary, in the last year or two we slowly drifted apart with the stresses of trying to raise two toddlers and going down to a single income household.
> 
> There is plenty of blame to go around, but a big fight was ignited when I lost my temper over something that means a lot to her, and I crapped on it.
> 
> ...


She doesn't want to share any affection with you but she gives you sex when you push for it. I don't think you respect your wife much and don't feel that you are actually being much of a "nice guy" with your behavior. I know that sounds harsh but your post doesn't paint you in a very good light in my opinion. Why do you think you "shouldn't have to wait months to heal the scars"?


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

Good feedback all. I'm knocking through the first book. I can see where sprinkling back in my alpha male will help.

I won't take her crap anymore either. When I was in the wrong, I was letting her get away with it, because it was the only way to stabilize things. If she refuses to communicate about money or other issues, I'll just suggest counseling or put my foot down.

I could use some help in how to approach the freak outs or imbalance. Sometimes she just gets in a crazy mood for no reason, her whole family is aware of it, so they walk on eggshells. For example I need to communicate that its unacceptable, but I have to be like Caesar, calm and assertive. Now this works great with dogs and kids because you can take stuff away, but in this marriage I don't think there is anything I can use to "punish" or provide negative feedback.

Do you guys have some tips on what I can use for bargaining power? The only thing I haven't ever tried is just straight walking out, leaving her to think what I might be doing out in the world.

If I take money away, it will be deemed as controlling.
If I'm distant with her son, then I'll be seen as a crappy step dad.
If I stop helping with the little ones, I'll be seen as having bad beta skills, not fit to be a father, which is less desirable.
If I go all alpha, I'll be seen as mean and overbearing.

What's a woman's currency?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

marrieddewd said:


> Good feedback all. I'm knocking through the first book. I can see where sprinkling back in my alpha male will help.
> 
> I won't take her crap anymore either. When I was in the wrong, I was letting her get away with it, because it was the only way to stabilize things. If she refuses to communicate about money or other issues, I'll just suggest counseling or put my foot down.
> 
> ...


 Maybe both of you should read the 5 Love Languages book. That will tell you what HER currency is. Everyone's is different including yours. Good luck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

marrieddewd said:


> What's a woman's currency?


A grown ass man who's got his **** together!


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

anchorwatch said:


> A grown ass man who's got his **** together!


i got my **** together. you didn't really answer the question

the suggestion is when she is in the wrong, to provide negative feedback and enforce it

anyone have a realistic example for my wife's persona? you don't want to be tread on, but you also can't fight fire with fire


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Honestly, OP, your wife, your relationship, _you_, all sound...exhausting. 

And here's an interesting little fact: few people actually wind up in long-term relationships with people who are significantly more crazy than themselves. What's much more common is that two emotionally damaged people, whose damages support and reinforce one another's, wind up together doing a super-dysfunctional dance for the long haul. And I'm guessing that's where you and your wife are. It's not that she's nuts and you're sane. It's that she has issues and you have different but complementary issues. You two were drawn to those in each other and are now living in a nasty feedback loop of the same. 

Because, frankly, the manipulations, plotting, and tactics you're describing are...not normal. Not healthy in any way, and not something that an emotionally healthy person would ever consider doing, or needing to do. An emotionally healthy person gets out way before there's ever any need for a battle plan on managing their clearly irrational partner. And yet, here you are, plotting strategy like your wife is the enemy and you're going to force her to surrender her baggage and make her love you again. 

If you'd like to get off this very unhealthy merry-go-round, you're going to need some help to do it. First, figure out what a healthy relationship looks like - hint: yours isn't one. Learn about being an emotionally healthy partner for another emotionally healthy person. That may require some more focused help than you're going to get from reading. Then see if your wife is interested in that sort of relationship. If she's not, cut you losses - preferably before you lose your house (WTF?!?) to her shoe habit - and go be a great single dad for a while. Your picker is broken and you lack healthy boundary setting skills. Fix you. Your wife may or may not decide to fix herself. But you absolutely cannot fix her. And you cannot _make_ her love you again, faster or otherwise. 

:slap:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

marrieddewd said:


> If I stop helping with the little ones, I'll be seen as having bad beta skills, not fit to be a father, which is less desirable.
> If I go all alpha, I'll be seen as mean and overbearing.


Another one with misconceptions about what an Alpha male actually is.

Alpha does NOT equal being mean, bossy, and overbearing.

Alpha men are *confident, *take-charge types. They're natural leaders, not followers. They're the type that step up and take charge in emergency situations, not sit back hoping someone else will. They don't sit in a corner and cry when life doesn't go the way they want, and they sure as hell don't disresepct themselves to the point of allowing others to walk all over them or dictate how they should live their lives.

Like you're doing.

THAT'S the difference between a Beta and an Alpha.

I've always found it incredibly difficult to respect Beta men because they're just a little too feminine for my blood. Alphas, however, well that's a whole different story.

I _will_ tell you something I think is a pretty universal truth - I don't believe a woman can truly RESPECT a man she can push around and basically frighten into submission. I mean, how could *anyone* respect that?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Dewd, does she want to fix things? It sounds like she lives for the conflict, like she feels in control when she is arguing. By the way you describe things I would think any reasonable person would agree to counseling. 

I would say to pick your battles, don't let her suck you into a large argument over trivial stuff. Stand your ground on things that actually affect you like money. Do not just allow her to spending to put you in any sort of financial danger. Keep trying to have the counseling discussion like you said calmly and assertive, don't bring it up in the heat of an argument. 

Try your best not to let the conflict affect the children, this is not their problem continue being the best dad you can be.

She is going to have to decide to be part of the solution in one way or the other, she is probably in complete denial that she is a big part of the problem. 

Stick to being calm and assertive, if you give an inch she will take a mile, think before you speak, communicate don't fight. By taking time to think about the best way to communicate you points you slow the pace of an argument and keep things from escalating out of control. 

Be strong.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

marrieddewd said:


> i got my **** together. you didn't really answer the question
> 
> *the suggestion is when she is in the wrong, to provide negative feedback and enforce it*
> 
> anyone have a realistic example for my wife's persona? you don't want to be tread on, but you also can't fight fire with fire


Look there's a whole host of things going on here with your behaviors and her's, let just address one thing at a time. 

*Negative feedback* will only get you more negativity and resentment from her. If you make yourself look more like her father than her husband she'll resent it further. You're her husband, not her father, that's what she wants from you. 

NMMNG is about being a whole integrated man... it's about you, not about punishing or teaching anyone. 

You do get it... calm, yet assertive boundaries. Yes, of course, when the yelling, cursing, belittling starts... the conversation is over, but there has to be an attractive alternative to arguing. If there isn't a place where you both want to be with each other, there is no alternative and the arguments and resentments continue. 

Look here, there is no one thing that will work. You'll need to address many things in your behaviors, and her's. That's why the best thing you could do is find competent counseling to guide you.

Here is some more reading that can show you how to address working with a resistant partner and how a marriage works. 

Either Boundaries in Marriage *or* Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No 

*and *

A Brief Summary of
Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Best


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> That's game playing. Game playing isn't how healthy couples interact.


"The game is going on whether you are playing or not."


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

Thanks all. I am getting positive movement over here believe it or not.

I'll check back with you in a week and let you know what feedback helped and what didn't.
@Rowan, your advice is particularly negative. The reality is, if all men had this level of work ethic, people wouldn't be together. Marriages can be tough, we all know that, so have a little faith.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

marrieddewd said:


> Good feedback all. I'm knocking through the first book. I can see where sprinkling back in my alpha male will help.
> 
> I won't take her crap anymore either. When I was in the wrong, I was letting her get away with it, because it was the only way to stabilize things. If she refuses to communicate about money or other issues, I'll just suggest counseling or put my foot down.
> 
> ...


Keep reading the books. Some women are just CRAZY and unfixable.. I am going to make the assumption that your wife is not.

She might just want a strong leader. You married her so you need to own up to the fact that she has a step son. Treat him like one.

If you make all the money then you get to manage it... Setup budgets, and track everything. If she wants XXX to buy on YYY you can pull up your sheet and look at it together. Discuss if its part of your short/long term goals.

Help with the kids because you made them with her.

An unattractive husband is someone who helps with the kids and cleans the kitchen because he is trying to earn enough brownie points for sex later that night. An attractive male does those things because they need to be done... and at the end of the night he might want to conquer her in bed too (separate from the nights earlier choirs)


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Wow. yeah that's tough. Your wife is still holding some hurt around that and she may not be communicating it to you. A child is a mother's heart and so is her husband so you really put her in a place that is not good. This is why it is sooooooo important for people to watch the words they say. Sorry doesn't heal all the hurt words cause. I really hate you went there.

With that said. The ONLY thing that will heal this situation is TIME. Take your eyes off the clock and the calendar because at this point you just have to let her and the son heal in their own time. You cannot rush neither one of them. You just have to CONSISTENTLY show love to both of them (genuinely) and accept what they give you. TIME is the only healer of this. How do I know? I been through it and I am finally on the other side. 

During a family meeting, out of anger, my husband turned to my daughter and yelled "you don't matter". Of course it was out of anger but that killed alot of things (before we even got married). It took almost a year for her to come around. My heart bled too and though I didn't treat him wrong, it changed something in me about him because if he loves me how can he say something like that to someone who came from me...I don't care how angry you are. So that's probably what your wife is feeling. 

My husband didn't push the issue or force anything. He just continued to show love towards my daughter as she directed. He took it when she would come over and just say hi and nothing more. He took it when she hugged me and not him. He took it when she wanted me a part of stuff but not him. Now she talks to him, asks about him, and will spend time around him. You have to let them both work through their hurt and don't force the issue.

I know you want your wife back but what you did was a very, very, very, very deep cut. You are not on the receiving end. You can't take the "just get over it" attitude. Now, she can't manipulate you either. Some how she has to communicate to you what she needs from you and you need to comply. Maybe counseling can help resolve this one issue.

Good luck.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Another one with misconceptions about what an Alpha male actually is.
> 
> Alpha does NOT equal being mean, bossy, and overbearing.
> 
> ...


As rough as @She'sStillGotIt can be on some of the men here, she is totally correct about what she is saying. 

But unfortunately OP will not be able to understand this, until far down the road, and maybe never.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Alpha, beta, omega...meh...pseudoscience piggybacking off of legit primate research. Every woman is different. Be a man worthy of respect and admiration but please do understand the audience you are trying to appeal to. Different women admire and respect different things.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

The grand irony in all this is that the further you go into "what more can I do to please her?!" territory, the more you will push her away.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

marrieddewd said:


> @Rowan, your advice is particularly negative. The reality is, if all men had this level of work ethic, people wouldn't be together. Marriages can be tough, we all know that, so have a little faith.


You asked what a woman's currency was. I'm a woman. As an emotionally healthy, mature woman in a healthy relationship, I was attempting to point out that even asking the question points to problems in the dynamic you have with your wife. As it stands now, you're just trying to manipulate your wife into forgiving you. What would be far more productive, is fixing yourself. Figure out what a healthy relationship should look like and then figure out how to stop contributing to the unhealthy one you have. 

At some point, your wife may want to join you in building a healthy dynamic between you. But you cannot force her to do so, and you cannot fix her. If your wife never wants to participate in building that healthy relationship, then at least you'll have choices. You could decide to stay while also not letting her shenanigans impact you more than necessary, or you could decide to leave someone with whom you are no longer compatible. Working hard on yourself, the only person here over whom you have that level of control, will mean that you no longer have to work so hard on her or on the relationship. 

It's not laziness, it's working smarter rather than harder.


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

This "Married Man Sex Life Primer" is very good, but a bit aggressive in some areas. Whoever said "know your audience", that is great to point out, because some of the stuff in this book would not resonate with her. Acting too macho is a turn off to her, she's a southern belle.

Now that I'm reading this I pretty much screwed up every technique possible. I'm going to try to be super patient and consistent and see how it all plays out.

Here are the positives so far, I know you guys love updates:
- She is slacking at the gym and diet big time, which is fine to me. When she was mad, she was going all hard-core revenge body on me.
- When she goes out (without me), she comes back sooner and is less decked out. I'm talking about errands and the like...
- We're talking, sometimes laughing, and watching TV together. There hasn't been any yelling or fighting at all.
- As far as I can tell, I'll still get the obligatory once a week sexy time, it just may not be super wild yet. I have to be careful about how I initiate if at all.
- She's being nice to my parents.
- Things that before would have caused her to freak out on me are met with much more patience. I was able to bring up a money topic without her flipping her crap. 

And the negatives that remain:
- She won't say I love you unless I say it (so I stopped)
- She still kisses me like I'm her grandmother (going to stop leaning in for kisses and let her know if I do, I expect a wet one)
- She will pull away if I go to hold hands or hug, or it only lasts a quick moment (going to stop initiating this too for awhile)

Right now I'm focusing on continuing to be an awesome dad, a great listener, funny, and getting jacked in the gym. I also weaved in a little teasing and tell her how good she looks, but I think this one needs to be "negged" because she is so dang fine! I'm being careful to not be overly helpful. Like she's back to putting away her own dishes, I don't have to do everything around here.

What do you think? I'm super lame right! bahahaha


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

marrieddewd said:


> This "Married Man Sex Life Primer" is very good, but a bit aggressive in some areas. Whoever said "know your audience", that is great to point out, because some of the stuff in this book would not resonate with her. Acting too macho is a turn off to her, she's a southern belle.
> .
> .
> .
> ...


You know, you must not read well. Everyone has told you that either 1) she is having an affair or 2) she does not love you if she ever did. 

You are completely wasting your time, but then again it is your time to waste.

BTW, the alpha, beta, macho, whatever thing... You still don't get it. 

You see a man, alpha, strong, macho, or whatever you want to say, would have filed for divorce. Because any man, that puts up with this crap from your wife, and her most probable affair, and the once a week duty sex... Is just a puss, plain and simple. 

Good luck...


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Only you can decide how much you will tolerate.
She has to want to make this work just like you.
If she was to get divorced she would be a single 
mother of three, divorced twice. 

As I have stated before you can to to counseling 
on your own. She may go as well if she wants to fix
this relationship. Take care of yourself and the kids
first. Only time will tell however.

In your uncharted marriage waters your boat has 
holes in it. Bailing and paddling in circles will get 
you no place .Fix the holes in the boat first.
Understand ?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I've yet to see where anyone offering help told the OP his W is having an affair.


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

@blues, you're way off base. If my wife wanted to be with someone else she would have up and left and she certainly wouldn't still be sleeping with me.

This same thing happened to her first husband, he just wasn't slick enough to handle it. He thought she was cheating too, but what she really does is just shuts down. Women don't crave it like we do, especially when they are upset. They only crave sex when they're in a good mood and not depressed.

Right now she is wrapping up the menses. It makes little sense to push for hot and wet kissing. You've got to know the timing. Right now I'm getting all jacked and being super dad. When ovulation rolls around, it will be the true test. If she pushes me away, I'll just hit the gym harder, start "playing darts" at the local bar, and act a little shady when I travel for work. Previously I would be a jerk when that happened or act like a baby. Not cool. I won't be doing that ANYMORE.

I went for a work trip a couple weeks back when she was real mad. Unbelievable how much she was kissing m a** over text knowing I was in a hip beach town all by myself. A little jealousy goes a long way around here. Peacockin'


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Be careful how far you push it, Peacock. Constantly being left unbalanced can be a bit disheartening.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

marrieddewd said:


> [MENTION=15825]Women don't crave it like we do, especially when they are upset. They only crave sex when they're in a good mood and not depressed.
> 
> *Right now she is wrapping up the menses. It makes little sense to push for hot and wet kissing. You've got to know the timing.* Right now I'm getting all jacked and being super dad.* When ovulation rolls around, it will be the true test.* If she pushes me away, I'll just hit the gym harder, start "playing darts" at the local bar, and act a little shady when I travel for work. Previously I would be a jerk when that happened or act like a baby. Not cool. I won't be doing that ANYMORE.
> 
> I went for a work trip a couple weeks back when she was real mad. Unbelievable how much she was kissing m a** over text knowing I was in a hip beach town all by myself. A little jealousy goes a long way around here. Peacockin'


Your playing with us, right?

Funnest post I've read in a long, long time.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

anchorwatch said:


> I've yet to see where anyone offering help told the OP his W is having an affair.


Sorry to be so stupid, but I don't really understand what you are getting at.

One of two things are going on, 1) She is actively having an affair, 2) she has lost all love for him. 

For my money it is both. 

My experience says that it does not matter which is going on, the marriage is done. 

Whether I am right or wrong, (BTW I have never been wrong about calling an affair), I think it would be worse to lie to OP and give him false hope. 

I cannot definitively say in this one that she is having an active affair, I am not a 100% on that yet. 

I am 90% sure that she has had an affair. 

I am 100% sure that this marriage is done, I hope I am wrong, but don't think I am...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

marrieddewd said:


> @blues, you're way off base. If my wife wanted to be with someone else she would have up and left and she certainly wouldn't still be sleeping with me.
> 
> This same thing happened to her first husband, he just wasn't slick enough to handle it. He thought she was cheating too, but what she really does is just shuts down. Women don't crave it like we do, especially when they are upset. They only crave sex when they're in a good mood and not depressed.
> 
> ...


Listen, I hope you are totally right and I am totally wrong. 

But I am sorry to say that I am almost never wrong about this type of stuff. Read last post for details. 

I wish you good luck...


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Uh, nope. When blues gets his nose onto something...He spots red flags from 50 miles away! That said, I do think that you in this state of ennui and thoughtfulness is going to get you no where. Fast. 

You do need to get into IC and get yourself figured out. You can't please anyone else util you are happy with yourself. Also, even if no one is laying wood to the missus yet....She does have her options. She already has children from a previous marriage, so she knows how all this stuff goes down. It seems to me that she is dangling sex as a means of control, without giving you her heart. Dangerous game playin' there. 

And as for leaving you...She has the long game waiting here. You need to understand the term monkey branching. Or Hypergamy. She could use you for security until the next best thing comes along. Ask yourself...How long has it been when she said that she is "in love" with you? Or, she feels "complete" as a family?


There is more to the story here...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Do not, I repeat not sell your house because you feel compelled to provide more stuff. Try to stop burning through your savings.

To top things off......your W won't want to stay with you if you're homeless and broke. Make your plan and stick to it. Tell her you want her to continue to take this ride with you, as an equal partner, just once. 

Good luck


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

marrieddewd said:


> Just passed the 5 year anniversary, in the last year or two we slowly drifted apart with the stresses of trying to raise two toddlers and going down to a single income household.
> 
> There is plenty of blame to go around, but a big fight was ignited when I lost my temper over something that means a lot to her, and I crapped on it.
> 
> ...


You're not being the "nice guy" if you're coercing sex when she doesn't want to. That is borderline sexual abuse.


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

Ok ya'll I said I would provide an update on the situation, here is the breakdown

The fight about me being mean to her son - that was actually just 1 little cog in a MUCH BIGGER situation.

Apparently she has been falling in and out of love with me during this whole marriage. Some of the stuff she has said has been really cooky, telling me that even when she married me, the "electricty" had already fallen off, yet just 3 months ago she was on fire for me. So much misinformation and waffling.

So anyway, it all came to a head today. I discovered that has been spending WAY too much time with another man, over the phone and in person at the kiddie baseball games. Now she isn't actually cheating (physically), but its just one thing she is burying her head in instead of focusing on our marriage. I can't talk to her for 5 minutes, yet she talks to him for like an hour. 

I lost my s*** and called them both out, but I did it in a calm, assertive, alpha kinda way.

Finally she broke. Finally after all these years I saw her cry and take ownership of what she did wrong, not just what I did wrong. She admitted to how she really feels, not just the fake answers she's been giving me.

She loves me, but is "not in love with me". So we're basically a statistic. I completely understand how this happened, but she does not, and I have some of the blame to shoulder. I should have worked harder to keep the marriage on fire, and instead I just felt entitled to it. Big mistake.

So anyhow, after all this madness, she has agreed to counseling. This is something I've been asking for years because our communication has been awful from the get go. So I really hope counseling can give her some confidence that there are ways to win your marriage back.

I had to push the envelope, because I felt if I kept letting her be a bystander and just pretending she was happy, but guarding against the affection, that we would never move forward. We're probably at our lowest right now, but with the most opportunity for upside.

Either way, I have followed the "MAP", and I'm prepared for whatever outcome. If it doesn't work, at least now I know how to listen and treat a woman and I'm developing the best "ME" that I can be.

Thanks for listening.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

marrieddewd said:


> Ok ya'll I said I would provide an update on the situation, here is the breakdown
> 
> The fight about me being mean to her son - that was actually just 1 little cog in a MUCH BIGGER situation.
> 
> ...


This is my last post to your thread. Everyone has tried to tell you that you are a fool, that she was cheating on you, that she did not love you, that you were wasting your time....

AND THIS IS THE UPDATE THAT YOU PROVIDE? THIS IS HOW YOU INTERPRET WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER? THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK IS GOING ON?

You sir are so completely delusional that you are beyond help from anyone.

I guess that the only way that you will ever understand what is going on is if you walk in on her banging another man on your couch. 

It does not matter if she has slept with him yet (and she has by the way), she is not in to you, she has never been in to you and she never will be in to you. 

You might as well take the money that you are about to spend on MC and light it on fire, it will do you the same amount of good. 

Is this how you live your life, going around with your head up your butt, thinking that if you did everything right, it will always work out. 

I feel so incredibly sorry for you, but I did every I could do to get you to wake up. 

Good luck to you sir, you will need it...


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is a hopeless hot mess......Bail out!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is the other guy married...if he is time to tell his wife.

i would also call out your wife for blame shifting you when all this time she was blaming for her deceit as well, not saying you are innocent but she needs to own her crap.


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

@lostinthought - no the other guy is younger, single, and a little doofy. You're spot on about blame shifting, I've fallen on my sword so hard for this, but when I replay some of the events I'm like wow she has gotten away with a lot.
@blues - I hear you, how I've written this it must really sound like a physical affair. I work from home and I know exactly when she comes and goes, where money is being spent, etc... There has been no time at all for her to do that unless they literally bang in the back of a parking lot when shes done making a grocery run. That really isn't her MO and I also got an independent verification from her sister that there is no way.

I do however believe it is an emotional affair, where she is attention seeking. Not necessarily a sexual attention, just she likes having somebody look up to her because she is all like telling him how to run his career.

At this point she is sick with herself and doesn't want to be with anyone and feels guilty for not loving the father of her kids.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

This is not the time to play...pick me pick me....this is the time when you say I own my own crap and I will fix me, but I can not fix you (wife), as hard as you want to work on this marriage it is presently crowded, and she either need to stop all communication with him and commit to this marriage or get a job, and move out and divorce....no separation because she will go directly to him and eventually come back to you after he dumps her...its all or nothing. You need to play the hard 180


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

@marrieddewd, listen to @Lostinthought61. Do the 180 NOW. You were obviously working on yourself in ways you hope she would notice and see, but you have to do this for you and from an "I don't give a damn perspective" where it comes to your marriage. Change your approach and yes, for God's sake, don't play the "pick me" game. And take this EA more seriously, please. When my ex said "I love you but I'm not in love with you," I knew we were done. I can't be certain but I believe that he told me that precisely so his EA could go full on PA, or into a relationship out in the open if they'd already gone PA. IF your wife ends up leaving the affair partner and returning to the marriage, it has to be an entirely NEW marriage. Everything else about the old one has to die and be in the past, and the best way for that to happen is divorce filing, even if in the end you both don't go through with it. But you have to risk losing your marriage if you want to save it, and she may very well be happy for you to give her walking papers. Whatever you do, don't give an ultimatum unless you intend to follow through on it, so be prepared for the consequences if you do. 

Notice your last line: she feels guilty for not loving the father of her kids. People have told you here already that one person cannot "will" themselves to love another. My ex felt guilty about cheating on me too, but it didn't stop him choosing diving head on into his affair and choosing his affair partner over me. As others have said, do NOT sell your house and get the spending under control and keep as many assets as you can because if she's not working and there's a divorce, there's going to be child support.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

marrieddewd said:


> @blues, you're way off base. If my wife wanted to be with someone else she would have up and left and she certainly wouldn't still be sleeping with me.
> 
> This same thing happened to her first husband, he just wasn't slick enough to handle it. He thought she was cheating too, but what she really does is just shuts down. Women don't crave it like we do, especially when they are upset. They only crave sex when they're in a good mood and not depressed.
> 
> ...


I would stop making generalizations about women.

It will lead you to ignore pertinent information specific to your situation. 

ETA: Like what was disclosed a few posts later that she is in a budding (at best) EA.

Pull your head from your ass, man. 

How can you possibly demonstrate strength when you are living your life for her, who is actively cheating on you?

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

marrieddewd said:


> @lostinthought - no the other guy is younger, single, and a little doofy. You're spot on about blame shifting, I've fallen on my sword so hard for this, but when I replay some of the events I'm like wow she has gotten away with a lot.
> 
> Betrayed Spouse syndrome. Everything was my fault?
> 
> ...


Very typical cheater script. You should wake up to reality. At this time the only one keeping you where you are is you. Extremely weak on your part but I think you won't listen to a thing


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## marrieddewd (Jun 4, 2018)

i called the guy and did a couple rounds of independent verification that I will not go into for the sake of length

long and short of it, there was no physical cheating, or even emotional cheating in terms of them being "attracted" or anything like that. I found alibis from sources of information that couldn't be compromised.

They were legitimately discussing the creation of a new youth team. But that is no excuse for her spending all that time on that subject, instead of spending time on our relationship.

I laid the law down though with both of them separately. There won't be any more lengthy phone calls, I can tell you that. 

I also gave her an ultimatum, counseling or divorce. She is in tears instead of trying to beat me down like she did before. I feel much better standing up for myself.

I also checked with her family, and there is a significant amount of psychological issues going on here. Everyone is on eggshells around her. Its a mix of PTSD from the first divorce, depression, anxiety, and post-partum.

Now this is a medical issue, which is so much further from where we were at the beginning of the thread and we have to get medical help. Her feelings of hopelessness could lead to self-hurt, and that is dangerous.

For the kids, I will make sure their mom comes out of this ok. With or without me. I don't even care if divorce is the right answer, I just want everyone to be happy and healthy.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Have you run recovery software on her cell phone to get the deleted messages or found her hidden e-mail account yet? And the quickies in the car happen quite regularly with affairs, so don't think that 3 minutes alone in a parking lot isn't enough time to get the job done.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

marrieddewd said:


> @
> 
> 
> [MENTION=15825]blues - I hear you, how I've written this it must really sound like a physical affair. I work from home and I know exactly when she comes and goes, where money is being spent, etc... There has been no time at all for her to do that unless they literally bang in the back of a parking lot when shes done making a grocery run.
> .


This can literally be what happens. 

In my mid-lates 20s, I was a serial OM and had affairs and hook ups with several different WWs. 

Some of them literally did occur in 5 minutes after they dropped the kids off at daycare and were on their way back home where the WH was going on about his morning. 

single people dating do the moonlight walks on the beach and the candlelight dinners and the movie dates etc. Married cheaters walk into motel rooms dropping their clothes on the floor while walking from the door to the bed. 

This is literal. I have been there, done that and have the t-shirts. 

Cheaters lie. Their APs lie. They cover their tracks and they gaslight and misdirect. 

Do an honest and sincere investigation (hire a PI if you need to) and you will find this is more than discussing kids sports.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

From the first post...


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## janet_pi (Jun 14, 2018)

Work on you. Make decisions, that's the sexiest thing my husband does. We were in your sexless situation years ago, while not exact to the detail, he was able to turn it around.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

marrieddewd said:


> i got my **** together. you didn't really answer the question
> 
> the suggestion is when she is in the wrong, to provide negative feedback and enforce it
> 
> anyone have a realistic example for my wife's persona? you don't want to be tread on, but you also can't fight fire with fire


Record your wife when she is in one of her moods. Then sit her down nd say this is what it’s like around you and I won’t stand for it anymore. Shape up or ship,out, no one should have to live like that.


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