# Does Does he really love you if he treats you like these?



## jove (May 27, 2012)

Hi, I am new here. I really want to know your opinion about 

*What do you feel if your husband treats you like these:*
- When you vomit because of pregnancy sickness, instead of comforting you, he said "Please do not make noise while vomiting, it will disgusts our neighbours if they hear that".
- When you have just delivered baby and are still weak he ask you to visit his parents that about 1 hours from your house. When you arrive at his parents' house, he says that he wants to go to his friend's house next door for a while to give some present but finally without asking your permission he spends the whole night until morning at his friend's house for new year party.
- Without asking your permission he invites his friends to stay at your house and it makes you busy cause he does not help you serving his guests
- When buy some groceries, he helps you picks the groceries but when you are busy in cashier (put the things into your own grocery bags), he just go away waiting outside
- When you walk together with him, he walks faster than you and leave you far behind. When you complain about that he say "You walk to slow, I am in hurry and have many things to do. You know where is our house, I do not think you would get lost".
- When you and he have dinner outside, he eats faster than you then while you are still eating he says that he wants to pay the bill. After he pays the bill he does not come back to his seat but without saying anything he directly goes and waits you outside and you do not know where he is.
-He is interested in intimacy mostly when he needs sex. When he does not need it he prefers spending time in front of computer or watching sports. 
- Everytime you complain about the behaviours, without arguing he says sorry easily but he repeat the behaviours again and again.

Those are how my husband treats me. But actually he is good person. He has good temperament, calm, soft, generous, humble, treats his friends respectfully, simple, and he does not like confrontation. He also does not have any addictions.
Am I too demanding if I want to be treated better? 

So, if you have those experiences, what do you feel and think about him and what will you do?


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

He's not a good person to you, he treats you horribly, there's no way anyone in their right mind should have to put up with all that. Why do you put up with it?? All the things you describe him to be makes him out to be a heartless a$$hole in my opinion and that's putting it lightly. You need some serious help as in therapy to see that no one deserves to live life like you do. I feel horrible that you have to live with that monster daily.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

he's treating you like sh*t - why is he a good person again?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

So he treats his friends respectfully, but not you?

That's a big red flag. 

I'm guessing from your writing that you are from another culture, so I cannot judge how this kind of behavior is accepted in your country, but I'd have his a$$ on a grill so fast, he wouldn't know what hit him.

Or, in other words - I'm really sorry you have to put up with this. While I cannot judge the emotions hidden in another's heart, I would say no, it doesn't sound loving to me.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

jove said:


> Hi, I am new here. I really want to know your opinion about
> 
> *What do you feel if your husband treats you like these:*
> - When you vomit because of pregnancy sickness, instead of comforting you, he said "Please do not make noise while vomiting, it will disgusts our neighbours if they hear that".
> ...


Most, if not all, of those occured through the 23 years we were married. I used to make excuses for his behaviour on those occasions. Beginning to realize that I was really blind to them because I loved and accepted him, faults included. 

Some things seem to get worse when it was discovered I had the brain tumor and the subsequent surgery to remove it. He never helped me get in & out of our Silverado, walked with me knowing how precarious my balance was and has remained. Several times when we went out and returned home after dark he simply got out of the truck and went inside only to leave me standing (and holding on to the truck) in the dark as I couldn't see well at night. The impatience was more than evident in his attitude and demeanor toward me. Other people noticed it right off and mentioned it only to hear me reply "that it was ok, it's his way of encouraging me to regain my physical abilities." Yeah, right!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How we think and "feel" about him is irrelevant because it's YOUR marriage.

It's clear you are not happy with your marriage's dynamic or w/ the way he treats you. 

So what are you going to do?


Because everything you have done has resulted in the same thing.

Try something different.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I don't understand how any spouse can treat their SO like that. I also don't understand why you would stay with someone who treated you like that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Offtopic, but a lot of what you posted reminds me of my exH.

When you've had enough, you will know.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Offtopic, but a lot of what you posted reminds me of my exH.
> 
> When you've had enough, you will know.


:iagree:

And I know that I've had ENOUGH!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like you are building up anger and resentment. I'm reading a book called "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships." Harriet Lerner Ph.D. Good stuff. I would feel the way you do. It's scary to start sticking up for yourself but you know if you don't do it you can't count on him to do it. Either he will adjust to you being more assertive for yourself or you will learn that his heart is not in the relationship, in which case you can decide to have a new environment where you don't have to be lowest priority in your own life.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You will get many here that will just about talk you into divorce. Don't listen to them. Everyone that visits here has their own issues and advise from that POV. 

Most marriages have issues at times that can be resolved. Remember you also wrote:

"But actually he is good person. He has good temperament, calm, soft, generous, humble, treats his friends respectfully, simple, and he does not like confrontation. He also does not have any addictions."

Sounds like a pretty good guy that needs a little tweaking or maybe its just a rough time for one of you. Who doesn't have rough times and needs tweaking. None of us are perfect and none of us were given the handbook on how to be married, we learned be default.

MY HUMBLE ADVICE: If you have issues talk in a calm, suggestive manner (honey attracts bees kind of way) or if fails seek MC.

I wish you, your husband and child well!


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## jove (May 27, 2012)

What can I say... I am so confused. Daily, he speaks nicely to me, rarely gets angry, never do any physichal violance and never yells at me. If I insist, he also do whatever I want him to do. But I am tired of keep asking and complaining. I want him to do what should be done, reflecting his care about me, spontaneously.
Btw, we are not from western countries. As far as I usually see, the other men in my country are worse in treating their wives. Therefore many friends of mine and my family say that I am such a lucky wife. Even he is my mother's favorite son of law. In our country, it is common if men are served like king in their house. My brother in law even ask my sister to put food on his plate and yell at my sister 'you are stupid bla..bla..bla' if she make any mistakes. That is why my sister says I am lucky because my husband never do that and willingly helps me in the kitchen (cooking and washing dishes). The facts make me feel like I am unthankful and demanding wife if I complain about his behaviours listed above. Am I the lucky one... I am still not sure.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Just curious - if culturally, you consider him an exception in how he treats you, then, (pardon if this seems rude- I don't know how else to say it), where do you get the desire to be treated better? Sorry again if that sounds mean, I don't intend it to seem that way. Are you from a different culture than he is? Are the women of your culture expected to "serve" their husbands? Just curious. I would think if you were raised in the same culture you would be more "accepting" of his behaviors? 

Perhaps I am naïve? I'm just trying to understand your situation better.

Generally in western cultures this kind of behavior would be frowned upon.

I wish you the best of luck. It seems like maybe your husband is just clueless as to how you are feeling and if I were you, I would just try to explain how it makes you feel when he does those things, and PROVIDE examples of how you would like it to change. (For example, tell him that you would like him to include you in decisions - like staying at his friend's house all night - perhaps next time he can ask you if you are okay with that). Start small, hopefully he'll be willing to develop those traits a bit. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

jove said:


> What can I say... I am so confused. Daily, he speaks nicely to me, rarely gets angry, never do any physichal violance and never yells at me. If I insist, he also do whatever I want him to do. But I am tired of keep asking and complaining. I want him to do what should be done, reflecting his care about me, spontaneously.
> Btw, we are not from western countries. As far as I usually see, the other men in my country are worse in treating their wives. Therefore many friends of mine and my family say that I am such a lucky wife. Even he is my mother's favorite son of law. In our country, it is common if men are served like king in their house. My brother in law even ask my sister to put food on his plate and yell at my sister 'you are stupid bla..bla..bla' if she make any mistakes. That is why my sister says I am lucky because my husband never do that and willingly helps me in the kitchen (cooking and washing dishes). The facts make me feel like I am unthankful and demanding wife if I complain about his behaviours listed above. Am I the lucky one... I am still not sure.


There is no question that the behavior of your husband from your initial post is disrespectful and should be unacceptable to a wife. However your above post adds a little more perspective to your story. Here is my take on your situation:

1. No matter which country you belong to and how rest of the males in your society are, in my opinion, it is absolutely fine to expect respect and care from your husband which you are not getting currently (at least not as much as you or any wife would deserve). There is no need to be complacent just because your BIL and some other men you know are crazy people.

2. Probably your husband has been raised in an environment where his mother, sisters etc were treated without much respect as well and that could be a factor. However it is a good thing that he is relatively better than most other males in your society. I think you need to train him to treat you better. Few thing you can do are..... Genuinely Appreciate the good things he does for you such as helping you in the kitchen etc. so he will be encouraged to do good things. Avoid criticizing and calmly try to put forth your perspective in a constructive manner. Would he be open to reading some marriage related books? I am sure you will get good recommendations from TAM members if that might be an option.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In western marriages, a man shows that he is in love with his wife because he shows that cannot simply do enough to make her happy. He takes her coat; he gets her drink; he carries things for her; he is keen to make her comfortable when she is sick and so on.

I am not up on other types of marriages since I read that in other cultures women are more subservient to men. I don't know how that manifests in "love" marriages that might occur. 

I would never agree to having a husband who is more concerned about other people's comfort than he is to mine (which might explain why I am divorced now).....

In case I missed it, what cultures are you and her husband from? And where do you live now?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Your husband sounds like a real d!ck. The things you said he does and says to you had steam coming out of MY ears! He is taking you for granted big time. It sounds like he feels he can treat you any way he likes because he knows you won't go anywhere. 

You know deep in your heart that he is not going to change. This will only get worse the longer you stay with him. It's sad that you are about to bring a child into this. I'll bet he will be an absentee father as well. This man should never have gotten married to anyone. He has no idea what marriage, respect, and thinking of someone other than himself is like. He may never learn. 

You must prepare yourself to be a single parent. You may even be a single parent while married to your husband. It's better to be alone instead of being lonely while in a marriage. 

It also sounds like he is a narcissist. Narcissists rarely change because they think they are perfect and everything that goes wrong is YOUR fault. You cannot reason with people like this. They are not wired that way. God, I am so sorry you are going through this. Be strong, get counseling for yourself if you can. Counseling will provide you with the tools you need to move on and be strong. 

Your child and you deserve so much better. If I had my magic wand, I would turn him into a toad, oh wait, he already is a toad!

Keep coming here to TAM to vent, cry, ask advice, anything. Just get things off your chest, don't hold them in. You must go into self-preservation mode now. My prayers are with you.


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## jove (May 27, 2012)

We are from the same ethnic group in eastern country. Now we live in Perth and used to live in Canada, so I got value in my mind that man is supposed to be gentleman. So I am between east and west culture in my mind. In our culture, sometimes people commonly think that husband that is gentle to his wife is husband who is afraid or is subordinated to his wife and this is embarassing since husband is head of household. I think this is ridiculous. But women in my society mostly have a lot of tolerance and willingly serve their husbands. They feel they are lucky enough if their husband are financially responsible and do not do any physical violences, harmful addictions and adultery. You are lucky if you got one of them. Therefore, compare to them, sometimes I think I am too demanding cause the other women in my society may think that my experiences are not big deal for them.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He walk a head of you? Leaves you at the dinner table while you're out?

Told you not to make noise while your pregnant vomitting.

What a terrible example of the male gender.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

WOW!!! effing hell!! I don't know how a woman can stay married to such husband. He's so disrespectful and he despises you so much. I'm sorry to hear that and what he feels about you is anything but love and respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would feel disrespected and unloved. I'm so very sorry. My husband pushes me in a wheelchair when we are out and have to walk long distances. Obviously I'm a very slow walker due to my neck injury, but he walks with me holding my hand.

It sounds like this is your husbands personality. Most people do not change. I'm sorry he treats you that way.

My first husband treated me like total garbage, much worse then your husband currently treats you. I left and remarried the love of my life.

Good luck getting him to listen to you. I wish you the best.


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

i'm so sorry that you have to live with a husband who is so rude and just mean to you. i hope you can get some support from friends/family/counseling to help you stand up for yourself (whether that means speaking to your husband or just leaving him).


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't agree that what he is doing means he doesn't love you. I think it means that he has been raised in a culture that values connection and consideration to extended family and even non-related people very highly. It also sounds like he doesn't show his love for you by looking after you or showing you that you are the most important, perhaps because he didn't grow up having that modeled by his parents.

A lot of what you wrote reminded me of marriages I saw when my husband and I lived in Japan. It was normal to see a husband and wife walking with the husband in front and the wife behind, carrying all the bags. Probably more common in middle aged and older couples, but certainly marriage and gender relationships were different from where I grew up, (Australia).

Anyway, if he is generally kind and a good person, I wouldn't be giving up. Give him specific things to do; pick one, maybe walking with you or waiting until you have finished eating to go and pay. Use humour, tell him you know it seems silly to him, but it would make you really happy if he would walk next to you. Keep reminding him if necessary.

It's unreasonable to expect him to act differently from how he was raised just because you are living somewhere different and you have different expectations.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jove (May 27, 2012)

His parents are good role model. Even though they are old couple, his father is totally different from mostly fathers in his age. When I stayed in their house, his father helped me washing and ironing my baby's clothes and his mom cooked for us.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Well that's good then. Maybe that's the reason he's better about helping out than other men you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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