# Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!



## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Been together for 7 years tomorrow. Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary was in August.

My wife & I have been talking about kids recently and I've finally got to the stage where I'm mentally ready for them.

She went away to visit her parents mid December & came home December 14th. As soon as she returned we had our usual amazing sex, hugs, kisses etc and continued what I perceived to be a happy normal relationship.

If anything recently our relationship has been better than ever. The sex has increased and our communication has increased.

Obviously we've had arguments in the past, I've done some things which were wrong but so has she. All in all I've loved our relationship to date.

She went away to visit family again December 23rd. We had a falling out over the phone because I wanted to be with her at Christmas but becasue both our families are in different places we each have an obligation to attend seperate events. She came back December 27th to inform me she no longer wants to be with me.

She says this disagreement was the straw that has broken the camels back. She has every argument or disagreement we have ever had almost stored away in a filing system in her head. There aren't many of them but she knows every one off by heart.

She said that she does not think I can offer our future children the same environment her sister and her husband offer theirs. She says her sister's husband protects and shields her from everything and takes all the flak off her.

Naturally I'm devastated because after this with the financial implications of either losing or buying her out of the house we own I can never offer someone Marriage again and therefore it would be unlikely I would consider children with them.

My wife was my best and only chance of ever having children & I feel that has now gone.

She stayed home with me from the 27th-29th and during that time period we actually had sex on the 28th. Though she says she doesn't want to be with me we do take comfort from each other though she has admitted the sex was a mistake & has now banned hugging or touching.

She's been away for New Year's and gets back tomorrow. I've tried texting her and calling her but she's been very unresponsive. I know this is the wrong thing to do because at this stage texting her telling her how important to me just pushes her futher away. I need to force myself not to do this.

During everyday life we'd text and call each other every lunch time and all through the day. We'd rarely spend a few hours out of touch with each other. This has now stopped abruptly when she is away from the house.

She speaks to me like she resents me when we talk on the phone & any texts I get back just reissue her point. We are over etc etc etc.

She has even suggested I look at other women now and said I should do so over new year as I was 'free to do what I want now'.

She insists she hasn't met anyone & she actually works incredibly hard, sometimes from 9am-11pm. (she really is at work so please don't suggest she has someone).

I'm at a loss as to what to do. She says she doesn't see a future with me as she doesn't see me being able to care for our children to an acceptable standard.

She's 26 and says she only has a limited time for children and needs to see what else is out there.

She wants to move on and says the only chance of us ever getting back together is in 6 months to a year but she wants a divorce & wants her name off the house which she's happy for me to buy her out of.

She says she doesn't want the commitment of the bills & the mortgage and the weight of Marriage but in another breath says she wants a family and husband.

Naturally I am very confused. She has a great job and even her own Mum & Dad think she is making a mistake.

I think we are great together and have always imagined us growing old together. Now I'm about to lose everything that's more important to me than anything.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't really talk about being in love. In fact, you say the reason you're devastated is because of financial reasons and not bing able to have kids with someone else.

First of all, I can't understand why this is your only shot at a family. She's 26. How old are you? You should have plenty of time to recover from a setback. And staying together for those reasons isn't really valid, IMHO.

Just my $0.02. A more cynical person might suggest she met up with an old boyfriend while she was back home, but you said not to suggest that.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Sorry I was trying to remember every reason etc. she gave for splitting up. I love her very much and genuinely believed she loved me.

I am 34. To cut it short I would be happy to live in a one bedroom rented bedsit with her, unmarried with no kids.

She is the single most important thing to me & always has been.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but why did you spend Christmas apart then? What has she told her parents about this? How is her sister's situation any different than yours?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

This doesn't add up at all.

Sorry, but it very much sounds like she hooked up with someone while at her parents the first time, then came home felt guilty, tried to cover it up with a bunch of sex, then went back hooked up again and is now trying to divorce you and hook with him permanently.

Have you called her parents to ask them if she went out drinking/dancing etc while there?


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Basically my family & her family live too far apart so I visit mine every Xmas & she visits hers.

All they do is drinks round the family home with most family members in attendance and the kids so the opportunity to meet someone is small. (not that I'm discounting anything).

Also for New Year's she's gone to a completely different town with friends but she's doing that because after New Year she's moving back with her family so didn't want to spend New Year there too.

The day she went there 23rd Dec she didn't arrive until midnite & went straight to bed. By the evening of the 24th she'd made up her mind. It was all over by Xmas Day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let her go. If she wants out, tell her that while you don't want a divorce, you aren't going to clig to her if she wants out of ur marriage. Wish her luck and don't cry, beg or plead for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Yeah begging and pleading are not good. Have done a bit of that but understand it's an absolute no no.

I would give anything to get her back, She's still here currently, back tomorrow. I'm going to spend the week at my parents and take the dog there too so hopefully the empty house might give her a taste of life without me. She may well enjoy the peace but I can only try.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think thats a great idea. Why not start out the new year by giving her a taste of the reality she is asking for...you not around.

I'm thinking poeple want what they cant have so no matter how tough it is, IMO the best way to get her back is to not be around.

My thinking here is folks have a nack for "cake eating" and by doing the 180 plan and not being around you will get her to think twice about her choices. Does that make sense?

So as bad as it hurts my advise is to act like it doesn't and show her the confident man she fell in love with so many years ago.

I think indifference will serve you well in this case.

On a side note I highly recommend you quitely investigate the possiblity of someone else having an influence in the dynamic of your marriage. Keep this on the down low, it will make it easier to do the research and confirm the other influences that are effecting the marriage. Again this may not be another guy , but a toxic friend that continues to deteriorate the marriage and your wifes view of it. Alot of times it just the freedom she seeks and the chance to be with several other people. The bottom line is find out who the enemy is and understanding what you need to do to fight this by having the knowledge of what you are fighting.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm so sorry this has happened, especially at xmas.

She works 9 am - 11 pm sometimes? She may very truly be at work, but does she work with people, at all? Maybe seeing someone at work, or around people who are single and carefree, it could be anything. It might not be a physcial affair, but someone who is "whispering in her ear" so to speak. An emotional affair. That's a lot of hours to be at work. More time than she spends with you. So maybe where her biggest influence is coming from. 

Oops just read the guy kinda posted the same thing. 

I agree with the guy.

Best wishes


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

The company she works for has two departments. Her day job & then she has a second job with them too. Hence the late hours.

She was out of work for a while so is doing these hours to catch up on the moneys she feels she's lost.

She more than pays for the house. At times, more often than not, she contributes more than me. She's very intelligent & I simply could not get a job as well paid as hers.

I'm wondering if anyone shares my opinion that the amount of hours has stressed her out & going away to different cities to party & relax has made her do this.

She hasn't answered any of my calls but late tonight I've received calls & texts from her saying she doesn't feel well, am I ok etc.

I haven't responded & don't intend to tomorrow either.


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## Galt (Dec 30, 2011)

Jono,

I would just let this social climber go her own way. Think how much worse it would be for you if you already had kids with her!

If she can try this once she could try it again, perhaps after you do have kids or, perhaps worse, put the squeeze on you to work two or three jobs to try to take care of her and the kids to the same standard as she imagines her other relatives do. She would not even have to say anything; the implied threat---of getting that certified letter from her lawyer---would always be there. It just isn’t worth it.

I only hope that she contributed substantially to the cost of buying the house, otherwise you will get a screwing on your investment there. Even if this is the case, the cost of the education you are getting will be much less than this same education costs many men!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The long hours are a huge stress if she has been doing them for more than a few days. The long hours can also create a breakdown in a marriage. A couple should spend about 15 hours a week together doing things that are date-like. Without that the passion in the marriage fails. I would guess that her long hours are a big contributor to your marital problems.

As for you buying her out of the house, why would you do that if it causes you a strain. If she wants to leave the marriage, then let her buy you out. Or the both of you contribute to the home payments until the home is sold. Why would you agree to put yourself into a hard financial situation? Because she wants it? What are you thinking? You accepting her idea of you buying her part of the house sounds exactly like the kind of thing she does not like about you.. you being a push over.

If she wants a divorce, let her pay the high cost of divorce... like having the burden of the home that she no longer wants.

The more pressure of reality you put on her, the more likely she is to see that divorce is not such a fantasy solution.

And if you do get back with her... this idea of seperate holidays, her with her family, you with your family stinks. It's another thing that just about predicts the failure of a marriage. The two of your are not building your own family traditions... you could take turnes... one holiday at your family, the next holiday at her family. And maybe some where just the two of you are together. IMHO, this sort of arrangement should be a condition of you taking her back if and when this current issue is over.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

*EleGirl* Absolutely wonderful thoughts & advice re: family. Couldn't agree more. What a great forum this is turning out to be.

Everything I seem to write is in defense of her but it must be noted I bought the house on my own 10 years ago. She moved in when we first got together 7 years ago & went on the mortgage approx 5 years ago.

Having owned the house solely previously I'd like to keep it as I regard it as an achievement during my life.

She's more than paid her way so I have no problem with her taking 50% equity if worst comes to the worst.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jono said:


> *EleGirl* Absolutely wonderful thoughts & advice re: family. Couldn't agree more. What a great forum this is turning out to be.


I agree that is a wonderful forum. It’s definitely one of the better ones out there.


jono said:


> Everything I seem to write is in defense of her but it must be noted I bought the house on my own 10 years ago. She moved in when we first got together 7 years ago & went on the mortgage approx 5 years ago.
> Having owned the house solely previously I'd like to keep it as I regard it as an achievement during my life.
> 
> She's more than paid her way so I have no problem with her taking 50% equity if worst comes to the worst.


Your point of view makes sense. However there are issues to consider. 

1)	At this point in time you should not be negotiating divorce terms with her. Give it time. Make no promises. You do not want a divorce so do not even discuss it with her right now. Though I do suggest that you see an attorney as soon as possible to find out where you stand legally. Also be careful what you do say about what you would or would not do in the divorce as you are not there yet. I’ve seen things turn south very quickly… you have no idea where this is going. 


2)	My main point was about a way you could put pressure on her. One thing people do, whether due to an affair or just disillusionment with a marriage is to get into a mindset that the grass is greener on the other side (the other side is divorce). So putting pressure on her at least for a while about her buying you out, not agreeing to what she thinks would make it easiest for her could help bring some reality into her mindset. You can always later switch to a more reasonable position. 


3)	What does family law in your state say about who gets what? Is your wife on the mortgage? If she is not on the mortgage but on the title… technically YOU owe 100% of the debt for the house and she owns 50% of the equity in the house. By you putting her on the title, you might have gifted to her whatever your down payment was. This is one thing you should definitely discuss with your attorney… is the down payment considered your sole property even though she is now on the title? Another issue is how has the value of homes in your area held up over the last 7 years since you bought it. Is there even any equity in the house? There might not be. The house might actually be upside down, meaning that you owe more than it’s worth. If this is the case, then you have nothing to buy her out of… there is no equity.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi again all.

24 hours on. She is now back from her New Years trip.
She was feeling unwell last night & texted me to tell me so. Also she tried ringing & texting a few times. I decided against answering her calls or texts as I needed some time to myself.

She was supposed to be in work all day today but got the early train home as she said she wanted to "see me" and that she had no keys to the house. (I don't know if she had keys or not) I didn't answer her calls & was actually at my parents anyway. She rang me at lunch time to pick her up as she was still feeling unwell but not before asking me what was going on with me?

I am in 180 mode & she texted saying what is up with you? First you send loads of texts saying you love me & now nothing?

We had a little chat & she admitted she had found herself speaking positively about me the last couple of days but says she still thinks she has made the right decision for herself.

I have gone into 180 mode which has not gone unnoticed. She asked why was I no longer sending excessive texts & making calls declaring my love for her.

I explained I wasn't because she had requested I don't.

She says she is confused and has a lot going on in her head. Again she repeats she feels she has made the right decision for herself but has admitted my attitude the last 6 months has really improved & I've really developed as a husband.

She said she was worried by leaving she would undo all that work. We had a small chat about possibilities. She asked me twice "what do you want?"

I won't lie & told her obviously I would like us.

I popped back in tonight to collect some clothes & she was quite stand offish this evening but I put that down to me invading her personal time.

She seemed less keen about even considering changing her mind during the few tidbits that were mentioned but did again ask me "what do you want?"

Again I repeated I would like us.

She seems concerned about the amount of people she has hurt in the past week with this decision & their opinions towards her. This could be a huge stumbling block.

She's also told her work her work rate is down due to this situation and is worried what they would think if she reversed her decision.

Only for a split second does she talk about "us" or changing "her" decision.

She keeps saying "I know it is the right decision for me but I don't know if it is the right decision for you".

Then she goes back into her I am leaving mode and starts talking about me being without her, the house being occupied by only me etc.

I am on Day 1 of living at my parents to give her space. I'd be interested in people's thoughts on the latest developments? They don't appear particularly positive to me.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

She wants you to chase her. She'd feel more confident with her decision if you were begging her to come back. Keep up the 180. If she asks what you want again, let her know that you're not interested in answering the same question repeatedly and that you're going to be happy with or without her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The less contact you have with her the more confidence you will have that you can move on without her. Something for you to consider.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

jono said:


> Been together for 7 years tomorrow. Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary was in August.
> 
> My wife & I have been talking about kids recently and I've finally got to the stage where I'm mentally ready for them.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Her behavior is very strange. Something missing in this story. She may have had a heart to heart with a family member possibly mom. She has with you for 7 years? So she was 19 when you started dating. A bit young and probably has not had much of a chance to live her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you done the research in verifing her reason to leave the stability and security she had with you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Also it appears her back up plan is being managed well. You are doing a good job in using the 180 for her benifit. To bad the 180 is ment to protect your emotions when she turns the switch to "distance my husband". But as long as the switch gets turned back to "string husband along just in case other man dosn't work out" is turn when you need it to be.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

the guy said:


> Also it appears her back up plan is being managed well. You are doing a good job in using the 180 for her benifit. To bad the 180 is ment to protect your emotions when she turns the switch to "distance my husband". But as long as the switch gets turned back to "string husband along just in case other man dosn't work out" is turn when you need it to be.


Can you elaborate a little more? I don't understand.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

OK new day. Last night my wife was ill again & texted me to tell me. We had a couple of short texts to each other last night just about how she was feeling unwell. Initiated by her. 

Today my wife is telling me she just wants to be on her own and doesn't know whether that's in the short term or long term.

She said she appreciates me being nice though. While I'm no longer able to take her to work as I'm away, I am happy to pick her up & drop her home. I don't want to cause any further problems for her with work as that's stressful enough for her as it is.

Today I asked if she'd like picking up after work to which she replied "Up to you. I have a return bus ticket but it is nice to see you a little each day."

She has still repeated twice in this short convo that she wants to be on her own. Is there anything to read into this at all?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

She said she wants to be on her own, so let her be on her own. You aren't doing either of you any favors by continuing to offer her support. Tell her you need time to yourself as well, so you'll no longer be offering transportation. Stop trying to save her from herself! Let her deal with the stress and supposed illness (which she's likely using to manipulate you) on her own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

OK evening update. We chatted tonight.

She doesn't currently want to move away back with family now and says she'd like to stay around for a couple of months to see if there is any possibility of her feelings for me resurfacing.

She says she is not currently in love with me anymore and I don't currently fit her life plan.
She says I am not competing with another guy but I am competing with an idea she has of someone who can provide her children, protection, financial stability (which she would also contribute to).

She says I can either continue to live at my parents or we can share the house sleeping in seperate bedrooms for the moment as she does like seeing me and does miss having me around.

Any thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jono said:


> OK evening update. We chatted tonight.
> 
> She doesn't currently want to move away back with family now and says she'd like to stay around for a couple of months to see if there is any possibility of her feelings for me resurfacing.
> 
> ...


I assume that you want to repair your marriage from all you have said here. Your wife seems not quite ready to let go of your marriage. So you have a window here.

The problem with the 180 is that it does not give you a chance to show her that you have indeed changed, that you can and will meet her needs and how wonderful you are. 
YOu have 2 choices that I see..

1)	Continue the 180 at this point. Do not return to your home to live with her. The less contact you have with her the more likely she is to walk. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. The thing with the 180 (AKA Plan B) is that it is design to protect YOU and YOUR emotional wellbeing. The hope is that while protecting you, it will show your wife that she really does need you in her life. But if she does walk, you can more easily handle it.

2)	Do Plan A (in my signature block) but set a time limit.. say 1 month. Do not tell your wife your time limit. Return to live with her in your home so that you have the time and access. Plan A is where you show your wife how wonderful you are. But you do it without pleading, whining and begging. You just be the best YOU, you can be. And this should not be a show… it has to be a true change in behavior.

If at the end of your set time period, if she will not agree to stay and work on improving your marriage SHE is the one who moves out. You will be buying her out of the house.. so she needs to leave. This is when you go into a very strong 180 (or Plan B). The 180/Plan B should only be done after a strong Plan A. 

In the mean time you need to read the books linked to in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. These books will tell you a lot about what you need to be doing and discussing in your Plan A and how to maintain a passionate marriage after the two of you are back together. And if you never get back together, you will have what you need to have a much more passionate and happy marriage in a next relationship.

One word of caution.. if you do try #2.. do not discuss Plan A, Plan B or the books I’ve suggested with your wife. IF you do, she will think that your behaviors are nothing more than manipulations. Once the two of you are resolved to repairing your marriage together, it would make sense that the two of you read the books for building a passionate marriage and do the exercises the books suggest. 

Reading the books to each other aloud and working the exercises together is a very fruitful way to do it… but only after she has agreed to stay and work on your marriage.


Either 1 or 2, it’s your choice… it all depends on what you want and how much work you are willing to put into your marriage.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Thanks EleGirl. Yes I'd love the marriage to work more than anything so will go with option 2.

Do you think I should spend the rest of the week at my parents or move back in now? The door is open for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jono said:


> Thanks EleGirl. Yes I'd love the marriage to work more than anything so will go with option 2.
> 
> Do you think I should spend the rest of the week at my parents or move back in now? The door is open for me.


If the door is open now, move back when it's open. You have no idea when it will close again.

By the way... #2 is the one that could potentially lead to a lot of pain. So if you go that route know that you are chosing the one that opens you to more pain. Be ready for it and be strong. Express your frustrations and hurt here and not to her at this point. She is not ready to deal with your issues. Right now she's in a very selfish place.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If the door is open now, move back when it's open. You have no idea when it will close again.
> 
> By the way... #2 is the one that could potentially lead to a lot of pain. So if you go that route know that you are chosing the one that opens you to more pain. Be ready for it and be strong. Express your frustrations and hurt here and not to her at this point. She is not ready to deal with your issues. Right now she's in a very selfish place.


Thanks Ele. x


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Update: My wife & I are still talking but I'm still at my parents house. I am going round this weekend for some drinks with her though.

I am still wearing my wedding ring but she has changed hers to a different finger. Am I doing the right thing with my ring & what would you read into her moving it off the wedding finger but wearing it on a different one?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are doing Plan A, then yes you are doing the right thing by wearing your ring.

As for her moving the ring to another finger... it's an interesting statement. I read it as she's half in the marriage still. Were she completely done with it I'd expect her to take the ring off.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> As for her moving the ring to another finger... it's an interesting statement. I read it as she's half in the marriage still. Were she completely done with it I'd expect her to take the ring off.


Ele you're my beacon of hope... not matter how small it is x


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

jono said:


> Update: My wife & I are still talking but I'm still at my parents house. I am going round this weekend for some drinks with her though.
> 
> I am still wearing my wedding ring but she has changed hers to a different finger. Am I doing the right thing with my ring & what would you read into her moving it off the wedding finger but wearing it on a different one?


You need to move back to you house immediately. If you want to go plan A, you need to be around her so that she can she the changes you have made. Why are you waiting?


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> You need to move back to you house immediately. If you want to go plan A, you need to be around her so that she can she the changes you have made. Why are you waiting?


OK Tall Guy. Will consider this over the weekend. I just don't want to annoy or frustrate her with my presence.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

OK so she text me tonight saying "I feel sad that I am being so mean to you and you're still nice. I feel like I've let you down. I just can't lie any longer and I can't change how I feel."

What would you read into that? I'm clutching at straws a bit now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

That's she's in an affair and she isn't hidingit anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> That's she's in an affair and she isn't hidingit anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is my concern but I don't understand why she'd be prepared to stay around for 2 months to see if anything happends even though she currently believes it won't if that were the case.


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## jono (Jan 1, 2012)

Hi everyone. An update. Unfortunately it has turned out my wife has indeed been cheating on me & has found someone else.

Thanks for the help & advice during this time. Naturally I'm devastated but can begin moving on & will prepare myself for a legal battle I will not let her win.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Jono: Appreciate the update. When you get a chance (and if you feel like) - would you care to share how and what you found out?

If I recall correctly, you weren't getting any indicators or signs of her infidelity. Curious to know what changed?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

jono said:


> Hi everyone. An update. Unfortunately it has turned out my wife has indeed been cheating on me & has found someone else.
> 
> Thanks for the help & advice during this time. Naturally I'm devastated but can begin moving on & will prepare myself for a legal battle I will not let her win.


BTW - one bit of advice on dealing with the affair - expose it wide and far. Not out of vengeance, but because it's the right thing to do.

The affair obviously can't stand the light of truth - otherwise she wouldn't have worked so hard to hide it.

Hire a PI to do the work - remember to charge the cost of the PI against her share of the divorce settlement. 

Then when you have the facts and the proof - don't confront her - instead expose it wide and far - friends - family - work - and most importantly the OM's life.


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