# Separated!



## beckywoodruff (Jan 27, 2018)

2 weeks ago I finally had enough courage to leave my emotionally, physically, mentally abusive husband! I ran out the door with our 7 month old twin girls and decided to never go back! I met my husband 2 years ago, he was literally everything I wanted in a man, we always did adventurous things and always enjoyed each others company. I struck feelings for him that I never felt for anyone else and I though he was my "forever" but boy was I wrong! The abuse started pretty early on, the destroying property, the slaps to the face, the screaming but he always found a way to keep me hooked. I found out I was pregnant with twin girls December 2016 and was completely taken back with "what am I supposed to do now?" I was stuck. My husband choked me while pregnant, choked me after I had my baby girls, he left me with his ex girlfriend the night I had my daughters, leaving me in the hospital alone, he messaged other women, he constantly abused drugs and some times wouldn't come home, had fits of rage, blacked my eyes, slapped me, screamed at me, degraded me, broke things, isolated me, controlled everything I did (I couldn't even go to the gym) kept me from work, wanted to argue for days on out, I could honestly list so many things on here. 2 weeks ago he got so angry at me for talking to one of my male coworkers about a reputable babysitter, he was angry because I was discussing my "personal life" with my co-workers and he told me that as his wife I talk to NO ONE I work with, that I needed to go to work, shut the f*** up and come home. At this point I was just taken back by the way he was acting over this, he then proceeded to scream at me, break doors and other things in the house, make threats that he would kill all of us if he ever caught me cheating or talking to another man, he choked me because I was crying and lastly told me I was quitting my job since I couldn't be trusted (which I was the ONLY one who worked while he stayed home) I literally just kept telling myself that its time to get out, take your kids and run, and that's what I did. When he passed out drunk I took my girls and ran out of the door. I met with the sheriffs office and of course they only did a report instead of arresting him because there were no marks on my neck from where he choked me. I have done pretty well with no contact with him, he begs to see and talk to the girls but I tell him no, not until we go to family court because I don't trust him and I don't know what his intentions are. So now I'm a "monster" to him and his family. Now he's saying he's been going to church, NA meetings, etc but my inner voice tells me its all lies and its just his way of getting me back under his control. I feel sick saying it but I love him (or maybe the thought of who he pretended to be) but I know I cant raise my children around him, how he is is never what I want them to think a man is supposed to be. Has anyone been in my shoes? How did you shake the feelings you had for your abuser even when they say they changed? Inner me knows that it takes a long time to change and someone like him cant change over night or even in weeks. Advice, support, good vibes needed here


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think this is drug induced behavior. Alcohol or meth behavior.

Not your problem let him detox his own dirty socks.

This sucks.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I have not been in your shoes. But I can tell you that you did the right thing. I hope you continue to do the right thing. Do NOT fall for "But I have changed!" It has been short term for one and for two, the best predictor of future action is the past. He has been physically and mentally abusive. He needs serious help. He is a very insecure and immature person (I won't even go so far as to call him a man, because men do NOT do the kind of crap he has done).
Stay away from him and focus on your self. Do not allow the fantasy of what you thought he was cloud the reality of who he is. Keep us posted.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Never look back!

Your a strong courageous woman.

Good for you getting out of an abusive relationship.

Go buy a gun so you can protect yourself.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Good for you for leaving him. Your next big challenge will be to fix our picker so you don't miss all the HUGE red flags next time, but wait calmly for a good man.

Where and with whom are you staying? Have you started the D process? 

Keep a VAR on you (voice activated recorder) or install one on your phone so you can record all interactions you have with him. If you have evidence of abuse, even just verbal abuse and threats, it will help your case, and get you a larger custody of your two children.

Are you going to al-anon meetings? Do you have an individual counselor? You really will need to work on yourself so you aren't attracted to or put up with dysfunctional, drug addicted, alcoholic, abusive men (or women) in the future. He gave off cues the entire time you were falling for him, which you didn't recognize or ignored.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you haven't yet, you need to talk to a lawyer so you can do the right things, and not do the wrong things, to keep you and your kids protected. When this goes to court the only things that will matter are the legalities. Your lawyer can guide you with how to do this. Every state and court is different, so you need good advice from a real lawyer where you live.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes, please do not go back to him. 

Be strong. You must not decide to give it another chance.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

so, did he have any serious bad qualities?

Everyone chokes their old lady and slaps them around a little....
And a man needs a little on the side once in a while...

Are you sure you didn't maje him feel guilty all the time and steer him towards a bad direction by. It supporting him?

You sound hard to please to me.

Yeah, you should really run and never look back. I hope you have a lawyer, and some protection. Smith and Wesson makes good protection devices.


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## beckywoodruff (Jan 27, 2018)

Thanks all for the responses. I am currently staying with family and I am safe from him knowing where I am! I will be signing a lease on my own place the first week of Feb. I have already spoke with a lawyer to get the custody and divorce process started, until then he wont have any visitation. I record all of our conversations and save all the messages that he sends to me and my family members. I just scheduled my first counseling session for next week. I was very naïve and yes missed and ignored all the signs, I honestly am so disappointed with myself and my careless judgment. And yes I do have a firearm just in case


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Becky, perhaps your STBXH's abuse is fueled by drugs, as @*SunCMars* suggests. Alternatively, his drug usage may be caused by a personality disorder (PD). I mention this alternative possibility because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, verbal and physical abuse, controlling demands, temper tantrums, and lack of impulse control -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline PD). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your STBXH has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine whether he has the full-blown disorder). Rather, I'm suggesting he may exhibit strong traits of it.

I will focus my comments on the future risk that your two children will face if your H really does exhibit strong symptoms of a personality disorder (PD) -- as you seem to be describing. As I will explain below, there is some risk of a PD being passed on from parent to child through genetics or a bad childhood environment. The good news, I quickly note, is that most abused children do NOT develop a full-blown PD -- but their risk of developing one is greatly increased when having such a parent.



> My husband choked me while pregnant, choked me after I had my baby girls


Becky, the repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. This is why "Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Indeed, the terms "anger," "dangerous behavior," and "unstable" appear in 4 of the 9 symptoms for BPD. See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

If your STBXH is a "BPDer" (i.e., exhibits behavior on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.



> He begs to see and talk to the girls but I tell him no, not until we go to family court because I don't trust him and I don't know what his intentions are.


Becky, if your STBXH really is a BPDer, it is unclear how high the risk is to your two daughters because only a few studies (all with small sample sizes) have been done. Three older studies (1985 and 1988) found that _"between 10 and 20 percent of first-degree relatives of people with BPD also have BPD...."_ See BPD Survival Guide (at p. 42). 

A more recent 2011 study, however, estimates the risk at between 28% and 37%. It therefore concludes that _"An individual with a first-degree relative showing BPD exhibited a statistically significant 3- to 4-fold increase in risk of BPD compared with an individual without a first-degree relative with BPD." _See "Comment" section of BPD Family Study. Whereas the earlier studies had been based on self-reporting by the BPDer patient being treated, this 2011 study was based on interviews of both the BPDer patients and their affected family members. 

The NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) reports a similar figure. It states "BPD is about five times more common among people who have a first-degree relative with the disorder." See NAMI on BPD. Given that the lifetime incidence is 6% for the general population, this estimate would place the risk at 30%.



> Advice, support, good vibes needed here.


My advice is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your two young daughters will be dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your STBXH exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after being married to him for 8 years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as physical abuse, risky behavior (e.g., drug abuse), very controlling demands, and irrational jealousy.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your STBXH's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. And it may help you minimize conflict over the next 18 years if he seeks and obtains shared custody of your two daughters.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _18 BPD Warning Signs_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _Maybe's Thread_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. In that case, I also would recommend the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder_. Take care, Becky.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As a mum your job is to protect your children and that's what you have done. They are still young so hopefully wont have been too damaged by that awful situation. 
I would not want him to have any unsupervised visits with them ever, he clearly can be trusted and is a very violent man. He has also threatened to kill you all and that can and does actually happen. Presumably you have told the lawyer all about the abuse etc?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good for you. This would have just gotten worse.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

beckywoodruff said:


> I feel sick saying it but I love him (or maybe the thought of who he pretended to be)


This is what is going on. You loved his facade, but now you have gotten to know the real him behind it. You can't put the facade back on. The man you thought you loved wasn't real.

Let it go, like a dream, and then you can let him go, like a nightmare.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Do you have a women's shelter in your area? They can offer support in many ways, such as a women's support group and individual counseling. They may also be able to help you with clothing for the children or point you in the right direction for any other needs you may have. 

He sounds truly awful and a danger to you and the children. Does he have any previous arrests for violence or drugs? This is good ammunition if he does. Why wasn't he working? Does he have a job history? Keep us updated and stay safe!


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## irishqueen (Feb 13, 2018)

He sounds like he is a narcisist, you are doing right. Run and stay away. It is a personality disorder. I married one too and they do not trust because they themselves are not trustworthy. I stayed in a marriage of 36 years and he had girlfriends but I could never prove it. I finally was able to prove it and get out of a dysfunctional marriage. Do not try and work it out no matter what he says.


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