# What if I just want more?



## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Ugh... I have been reading around and composing this post in my head for a couple weeks. I'll do my best to be brief.

Background: we have been married for 12 years, have 2 lovely sons (age 5 & 6.5). Lovely home, financially fine.

In the past 2-3 years, our marriage has gradually gone downhill, and I'm now to the point that I can't stand it. But, there is no single 'straw that broke the camel's back'...

When H is tired or stressed, he gets angry / mean, and has a passive-aggressive style, for sure. It used to be just in January, so we started sending him on a "boys weekend" in Mexico -- I wanted him to miss us, so he'd come back refreshed and happy to see family. That worked great the first year. NOW, when he went this year, it did nothing, and we were bickering within a day of his return.

Now, instead of rough periods a couple times / year, it's turned into something closer to 3 weeks of "rough" per month. It's hard on me, and the kids. 

He has driven 2 nannies to quit since Christmas:
#1: she said she H was lying to me, and blaming the gaps on her, and she had to go, because she was very uncomfortable. She had been with us for almost 2 years, and we already had a planned quit date. H just couldn't say "goodbye" (imho)

#2: instead of bringing the kids *straight* home from school one day, nanny & kids stopped at the park. It was 70-degrees in March, and everyone was outside. As soon as he called worried, I asked if they went to the park - it's 4 blocks away from home, and was the obvious answer that day. Instead, he got really worked up and yelled at the nanny in the park, so she quit immediately.

I have also thought of our "couple moods" like a number line where 0 is yelling and angry, 5 is tolerance (not nice or mean at all), and 10 is something like lust or infatuation... I think most long-married folks hover between 4-8, and I think we hover 1-5. Our very best days are the ones where we just acknowledge each other. We are an efficient pair when things need to get done.

My real problem is that I don't really know how to draw the line or when... I'm trying to get us into counseling, but it has to be close to home, and he will only see a man, and they have to be in network. UGH! These are tough demands! I have called SIX so far, and every man close to us is not taking clients... I still have 2 un-returned calls. Trouble, right? H has called -0-. He doesn't think there is a problem.

He thinks this is just how couples ebb & flow. He doesn't like that I work out (after kid bedtime), and I don't like how he treats me, so it's all fair. Is that fair? NO WAY, right?

He also thinks that our total lack of affection is totally normal for this chapter in our lives. However, it's been a looong time. Really, not natural. No kissing, no holding hands. Nothing. ya get me? We share a bed like housemates.

Ugh... Any thoughts? Advice? WWYD? Sorry this got so long!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GoDucks said:


> He doesn't think there is a problem.
> 
> He thinks this is just how couples ebb & flow. He doesn't like that I work out (after kid bedtime), and I don't like how he treats me, so it's all fair. Is that fair? NO WAY, right?
> 
> ...


this part stuck out to me because i delt with this in my relationship for a few years. I was fighting with my H for a long time because he didnt think there was a problem. Four years later i now realize there was no problem- for him. It was my problem. And i got some great advice on here that ended all the fighting between my H and I- just stop struggling. stop fighting. stop trying so hard. 

Its a hard pill to swallow. i know. its depressing. but the truth is if he doesnt see a problem with how things are then you are the one with the problem. you cant make him take on your problems. you are dissatisfied with the marriage so you'll have to be the one to struggle to fix the marriage- if that's what you feel the solution to your problem is. 

I dont have a great marriage. its sucks, quite frankly. but i rarely fight anymore and i dont hate my H anymore. I realized that the solution to my problem was not trying to change my H. its not even trying to fix my marriage. Its trying to find peace in my life again. Focus on what is in your control and let go of what isnt.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

So, just settle for it? Really? That seems so SAD!

The situation we're in... I can settle here for some amount of time. A month, maybe a year (maybe not)... But, I can't take this to my grave. No way.


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

Your H does have a problem and it is not just your problem to just settle for. It's obvious he has a problem within himself and there's a problem in the marriage. This type of thing, in my opinion, is never solely one-sided. If you have a problem and he doesn't think there's a problem, then there still is a problem...because you're married. Seems to me he doesn't want to deal with it so he choses avoidance.

You are right in drawing the line now. This needs to be addressed and worked on by the both of you otherwise you will continue living like this and it will probably get worst. I do think the approach with counseling might be a good one if you can get him there with the obstacles currently in place. At a minimum, I would recommend you get counseling yourself to help get perspective on all of this for yourself. 

Again...this is NOT solely on you and you do not have to simply settle.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Have you told him you are thinking about leaving/ending the marriage? If so, what does he say?

The reality is, you are thinking about it. Tell him. Let him decide if he still thinks there is "no problem." You get to decide what you want to do, he decides what he wants to do. If they match, great--you choose counseling, together, and at least give it a shot. He may be committed to growth--or not. You may find the the changes make the marriage work for you--or not.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GoDucks said:


> So, just settle for it? Really? That seems so SAD!
> 
> The situation we're in... I can settle here for some amount of time. A month, maybe a year (maybe not)... But, I can't take this to my grave. No way.


It is sad. And i think its trying to avoid that sadness that drives us to keep fighting. its surreal to just let it be. its strange to just back off and let be what will be. but its so much more peaceful for you. 

im not sure what you mean by "just settle for it." if you mean to accept the marriage the way it is, no way. that's not what i mean at all. i do not accept the way my marriage is. but i do accept who my h is and I dont try and make him do anything he doesnt willingly want to do, not anymore at least. I will tell him how i feel about things. If he doesnt do it, that is that. i dont fight him anymore. I dont think he _should_ do anything he doesnt want to do. Not even if im miserable and i think the marriage is going to fail. If he chooses not to do what i ask, it is incredibly sad and it hurts a lot, but i allow myself to feel that sadness instead of trying to chase it off by making him do things to make me happy. I can respect his choice and not push him. If my h is happy with the way things are, then the problem is with me and i cant make him chase away my discontent. 

If the problem is with me, that means i have the control to make myself happy again. I have to decide if this is who i really want to be with. but the nice thing is i can leave without hating him or feeling like he was a bad person for not doing what i think he should have done. i can respect him as his own person; just not a person i want to be with.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

So, yes... I have told him that the ability for our marriage to continue is on the line. We have done counseling before and it was terrible. We had 5 sessions, and we have never fought more (until lately). I have told him that if it goes like that again, it will end in divorce, because I choose happiness.

The other big clue he has is that I took my ring off. I took it off about the time I posted this string. 

When I tell him I'm considering ending the marriage, he tells me to do whatever I want. He can't tell me what to do, and I'm going to do whatever, anyway. Then, I will ask him something like 'don't you care?" and he will say that he can't control me, and he thinks I'm being dramatic (not those words, but that's the jist of it).

The past few days, we're just not talking. It's crazy how we are going about our lives. One has the kids, the other leaves the house (or nap). So, it's not horrible, but I just find myself wondering when it's going to go bad again (because this is totally livable).


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