# Stresses of Interracial Relationships...



## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

I am a black woman dating a white man. This is not my first interracial relationship. I have experienced black guys and their negative comments and even teens throwing rocks at the idea. With each of these men, I have never met their parents. A part of me knew that I wouldn't be easily accepted into their homes. Now, I am 100% sure I am not accepted.

He told me that his mom was not an easy person. Now I have just heard everything his mom think of black people as she yelled at her son (my lover) while I was on the phone. So many hateful racist words. I was surprisingly not offended (at that time). I was hurt by how I knew she was hurting and neglecting him.

How can we overcome a woman with such hate? I never knew he was verbally abused till now. He is white, as well as his parents; however, he look mixed. His mom bashes him for not being as white as she want him to be. 

Should I continue to further a serious relationship with this man. I cannot win a battle with his mother. He may choose me now, but I'm not so sure of the future. What are your thoughts?

Someone please explain.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H is chinese and I am white. His mom hates me. She thinks im not good enough for him and that im ruining their blood line. She's said some really nasty things about me to him and in emails that i've found. it was extremely upsetting at first since she was so nice to my face and because i didn't think my H was really standing up for me. I emailed her a couple of times and really got on my H about standing up for me but that seemed to only make things worse. It was a long, long battle that has only recently been resolved. 

My MIL still hates me, as does my BIL, but my H stands up for me now which I think is all that really matters. It's still hurtful that she thinks so poorly of me and continues to say derogatory things about me to my H but I just stay out of it now. I think my H is doing the best he can and handling it the best he can. She does get in his head and I know that's why its so upsetting for him, because he gets confused, but i think everything will work out. She told him the other day that I don't do enough for him and that the reason i don't want to have kids with him is because i don't love him enough. That gets in his head and makes him angry, but I just told him if you're afraid to ask the question then maybe its a question you really need to ask. The only way someone has power over you is if you are afraid of them and resist them. I told him he must feel that way if she's creating so much anger in him. So then we talked about it and he does feel that way a little. I think it helped him to acknowledge it and not be afraid and run from it.


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

I am white and my wife is black. I haven't had issues with anybody in my family, nor has she in hers. If I did, they would be cut loose and just not be a part of my life anymore, that goes for mom and dad also. I have no patience for ignorance like that.

You need to discuss it with your boyfriend. I wouldn't say he has to make a choice, at least not yet. But he probably will one day especially if kids are ever involved, I wouldn't let them go spend time with somebody like that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm not in an interracial relationship but I have an opinion nonetheless. Unreasonable and demanding MIL can be hard at even the best of times. You and your lover need to really consider what your relationship means to you and if you're strong enough to overcome his mother's behavior. 

For his own good, he needs to stand up to her or potentially cut off from her until she can stop being selfish and realize her son has found love and this is a positive thing for him. I wouldn't expect her racist views to change unfortunately, but he can change how he lets her speak to him and how she treats you. 

If you're going to consider children in your future, boundaries with the family need to be set NOW. If I was in your shoes, I'd want to cut off from her. I don't think this is something you should suggest for him to do, it's his mother, but he does need to wake up to the fact that her behavior is unacceptable and unloving.


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## hellothere (Jul 24, 2011)

My family is white. My brother married a black woman. I'd like to say that my parents were all kind and understanding, but they doubted-they weren't rude but were a bit taken aback. My mother's biggest concern was that their children would never "fit in". I assured here they'd be fine (I teach and, in my experience, kids play with kids, they don't care about race/mix/whatever).

I'm happy to say that my sister-in-law (a classy lady) has taken it all with grace and my parents now just adore her! When I call my mother she's always telling me what wonderful things my sister-in-law is doing!

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that perhaps at first you will have troubles, but if you are loving and caring, hopefully, you'll win them over!

It's a shame anyone has to go through that though. Honestly, people, skin is skin!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear you have to worry about her racist antics at all.

Thing is, you're in a relationship with HIM. You cant change her, only the way you react to her. If she's disrespectful, call her out on it. You don't have to subject yourself to sit through her tirades against whatever race she is speaking badly of. You can remove yourself from her presence/home, etc and set a hard boundary saying "I will not stay here/listen to this as long as you are speaking badly about me and black people." And then leave.

It's her loss. Truly. It's sad people are even like her at all and yet they are everywhere. 

Let your guy know how you feel. If he treats you with kindness, love and respect, I say stick with him. After all, you're dating him, not his racist mom.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus and I went through the same BS (and we're STILL going through it). It's very difficult on the streets here, it's not socially acceptable for a couple like us, arouses jealousy and insecurity. She's been pissed off about the fact that I also withhold public affection from her since moving into this racist neighborhood of ours but I'm being street-wise, lay low; and no problems.

In the past it was much worse, with her mum. AND HELL I HATED HER (Still do somewhat). Only way I could revenge on her was to show her I'm ANYTHING but what she claims me to be based on her own prejudice due to my skin, background, and personal spiritual beliefs. Made her out to be an idiot. In the end, I won her respect, even if she hates my guts, she can no longer say sh-t -> without making herself look like an idiot.

That's all that you can do. True respect is not a choice, she may not want to respect you, but she will no matter how much she'll try to BS herself if you prove her wrong. Weather the BS and make her the idiot. That's what I did, and it worked. F--kwits the lot of em but hey, that's life.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

When I was a young soldier and about to get on the plane for a 2-year tour of duty in Korea, my mom said to me "Don't bring home any slant-eyed babies".

Sure enough, I married a Korean, and my mom says that I'm damn lucky to have a woman like her, and she loves our Amerasian daughter to pieces.


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

hellothere said:


> My family is white. My brother married a black woman. I'd like to say that my parents were all kind and understanding, but they doubted-they weren't rude but were a bit taken aback. My mother's biggest concern was that their children would never "fit in". I assured here they'd be fine (I teach and, in my experience, kids play with kids, they don't care about race/mix/whatever).


You're right, me and my wife have three kids. They don't notice, or care about that stuff until they're taught to (usually by parents or family). I don't think any of my kids have ever asked or said anything about us being two differnt colors.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I'm white. My brother dated a black lady years ago. No problem at all for anyone in our family. I actually thought she was to good for my bro. She was pretty, classy, and owned her business. Fast forward he married a white woman, and she is sorry. But hey he made his choice.

How did your bf respond to his mom?

My H is half Jewish. When others say hateful things about Jewish ppl, it hurts my heart.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am white and my husband is Salvadoran.

We never had issues with racism, but he has and it hurts me.

I say to just love your man and not worry about what his mother thinks. If HE has a problem with his mom, he'll fix it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

What's weird is that when we were dating, everyone warned me that I would face trouble because Koreans "don't like us foreigners messing around with their women."

Every Korean I met who knew about us was very kind and polite-it was the white American ******** that I served with that would give me grief.


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## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

I thank you all for your responses. It is greatly appreciated. I guess that I'm just a little worried about the fact it confuses him when his mother gets in his head. When he attempt to stay away from him mom, it almost depresses him because he actually miss her. I don't think his mom will literally tell him to leave me and he will. I think that he will eventually be 'confused' enough to let everything go. He says that he is not going to let his relationship between him and his mother ruin our relationship; however, he is quick to drop everything to be wanted by his mother. He has been neglected so bad, I feel that there's nothing I can do. For an example, we planned to go to the movies and his mom called and wanted him to pass by her house. He cancelled with me. 

He try to tell me that his mother just say stuff when she get upset and that she is like that with everyone, but I just plain don't believe that. 

I guess I'm beginning to doubt my strength in this relationship...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I married an alien, from space.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SacredLady said:


> For an example, we planned to go to the movies and his mom called and wanted him to pass by her house. He cancelled with me.


Unless there was a really good reason for him to go by her house at that particular time, he needs to stop this type of behavior. I fear this is only going to get harder for you in the long-run.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It was very difficult for the missus to go against her family's wishes, but it's a trial, if your bf can get through this (and this is up to him), then you're in for one great ride with someone strong enough to carry this through.

I have to admit though, the missus is much stronger then me in this regard (and much more stupid), she never ceases to touch me or hold me whenever we're in public with ******** at every turn - there's even a whole gang of nationalists who aren't very happy with interracial relationships going on 'diluting their so-called purebloodline' or folks 'stealing their white aussie women' so to speak. (Funny, my wife's western blood is European, not even Anglo-Saxon Australian)

You will always encounter this, even after earning the respect of your in-laws. You will have new 'friends' who question your relationship finding it 'interesting' which I personally also get annoyed with.

My daughter has four bloods under her banner and I want her to be proud of them all, and stick up the middle finger at those who question her 'humanness' simply because she's a so-called 'mutt'. Society however, won't change until perhaps a few more centuries, when we have finally evolved past the old "tribalist" thinking.



> Every Korean I met who knew about us was very kind and polite-it was the white American ******** that I served with that would give me grief.


There are racists in every ethnic, mine included. They hated me for 'diluting' an already fragile and endangered bloodline. Too bad, I found the love of my life, and for a time I struggled to find a replacement who would be more "socially-acceptable" but pffft...

F--k race. In the end what matters is who you are, not what you are. The minute everyone figures that out, we're done with this racist BS... sorry, but as you can see, as a man in a so-called "inter-racial" marriage, this strikes me close to home.


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

:smthumbup:I am black my wife is white.Early in our marriage I had that same problem with her father.The only thing I can say is that time and prayer changes things.I can definitely relate to how you're feeling.I have been there.There's only so much I could do at that time.My initial reaction to her father's racist antics was to kick his a#%!My problem was that, I never said anything when he would do this stuff, so because I never said anything it was misconstrued as me being afraid of him.The fact is that you can win people like that over with kindness.I always showed the upmost respect.I really understand what you are going through.

I went through it for almost two long years.It really hurt my relationship with my wife at that time but as I said time changes things.My father in-law is one of my best friends now.He's somebody that's willing to go far and beyond to make sure Im okay.He sees me as his son.He loves me as his son.In the end people respond diffrent to things like interracial dating.It's one thing to interact with people of a diffrent races.It's another to have to welcome them into your family circle.Just pray and let God and time change things.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My dad had a fit when I married my EXH. Said I married outside my race. My ex is Cherokee, German and Sioux. Cracked me up that my dad would not acknowledge his German side as we are Irish/German. Said his "red-blood" mucked it all up.....my dad is a moron.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

In my ancestry, there is Italian, Polish, German, Scots-Irish and Cherokee and Shawnee Indian.

Wife is Korean.

My daughter asked what she should put later on in life on those forms that ask you to list your race.

I said write "AMERICAN" over the box in red ink.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I am white and I was in a LTR with a white guy for 5 years. However, I am of Jewish heritage and the guy was European from a country that has a reputation of being very anti-Semitic. I didn't realize it but he hid the seriousness of our relationship from his parents for years. Once when we were together in his car, in his country of origin on vacation, he made me duck down onto the floor of the car when he went to his parents' house to pick something up. I wasn't expecting a red carpet, but I would have accepted a cup of tea. 

Anyway, when his mother found out, she broke us up, literally. She told him to dump me, that I was a ________ and there was no way in he11 she was going to let a _________ in the family. He dumped me three days later. It was a really, really rough situation. I loved him, but I was very angry that he did not stand up for me, ever. I didn't even realize the extent to which he downplayed our relationship, but because his parents lived halfway around the world, I just didn't see it.

Now I'm married to someone from the same country as that guy (coincidence - I moved there for work), but his family isn't racist, so it's great. 

Is he a mama's boy? If he is, this would be a HUGE HUGE red flag to me. If he's the type to call her on her birthday and MOther's day, then if he were willing to grow a pair and stand up to her BS, it could certainly work. But he will have to stand up to her, and shoot down her racist spewing, that to me is essential.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

So how is it that your boyfriend looks 'mixed' if both his parents are white? And his mother is upset her son doesn't look 'white enough'. That is a strange thing to be worried about with your own child! Mmmmm maybe there is something his mother doesn't want anyone to know?? 

My sister is in a interracial marriage. It is a second marriage for both of them, it has lasted 26 years now. He treats her a lot better than her first (white) husband did. There was some opposition at first from some family members, but my sister and her husband just went ahead and lived their life and didn't worry about it and it has worked out fine. My brother in law is a nice person and eventually won over the people who didn't approve.


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