# confused about the fiance's ex thing



## cinthecity (Aug 25, 2009)

i am curious if anyone has been in this situtation and how they handled it.

I am engaged to a woman with a child from a previous marriage. because of this, the father is around every other weekend and once every week to pick up the child. 

what I find which is strange is that he always has to get into a conversation when he comes by, which I know is not always about their child. And with her being a friendly person in general, she goes along with the conversation. this seems to happen every single time which has started to make me uncomfortable. Now, I don't think I am any more of a jealous person than the next and for the most part, i doesn't get to me.

But.... I also have to hear about all the things he does wrong and her complaints, so I guess being uncomfortable comes from her one minute complaining about him and the next being all freindly with him. 

I guess what it comes down to is I don't have any contact with my exe's by my choice and I am not used to being with someone that is always in contact. 

Any ideas or thoughts on this ?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Ok, you are dating a woman with a child, and going to be married to her soon.

The father of the child will be in her life forever, period, end of story.

Here's my experience in these situations, your "job" as her fiance is to listen to her complaints without wanting to "have it out" with him. You can't act like you are going to beat him up, you can't get into any arguments with him (especially in front of the child), etc.

She vents her frustrations with him on you.

However, she is doing the right thing about not getting into any altercations with him during child exchanges, no matter how much they don't like each other, arguing in front of the child is bad.

Now, about him starting conversations...

Do you truly believe he's doing it to try to get back with her or is he just starting "small talk"? If its small talk then truly he's just trying to be "friendly" enough with the two of you so that as parents you will always be able to come to amicable solutions to visitation schedules, etc.

For instance, by law if for some reason he can't get the child one weekend he's out of luck and just doesn't get her for 2 more weeks, but if the 3 of you are on good terms maybe him and your fiance would work something out to switch weekends, etc.

I see nothing wrong with starting up conversations at child tradeoffs, it nothing else it shows the child that "mommy and daddy" are still good friends and don't hate each other just because they broke up.

My advice is, you knew going into this relationship that he was going to be around until the child was at least 18, maybe longer. He doesn't appear to stepping over any boundaries, at least you didn't type anything that sounds like it, so you'll just have to get over it. Listen to your fiance when she wants to complain about him (hopefully not when the child is around) but do just that, listen, don't act on what she says.

Its a tough situation for sure, my cousin's first child was before he got married, to his previous girlfriend, and the tensions can get high at times (both mom and dad to the child are now married to other people).


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

The ex and I still talk and we have no children together...we'd both stated we wanted to maintain friendship after our divorce. 

My parents are divorced as well and my parents have always been amicable...my Dad speaks his opinions now that I'm older but as kids my parents were always friendly...my mother sometimes stays in the guest room of my Dad and his now wife of 23 yrs house when she comes to vist as my home isn't large enough for her to have somewhere to stay and financialy it's easier on her wallet to stay there.

Guess it just depends on the people and the comfort level...I'd like to not think of myself as any more jealous than the next either...but it's hard when someone talks to an ex...cause you know at one time they had something so I know what you mean.


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