# Question for people with LD partners



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind. 

I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?

The reason I’m asking is because reading the stories here made me want to talk to my husband about what his feelings were during my LD years. I started out being HD and then after we started having kids my drive dipped way down. It got worse after each kid and after our 3rd was born it was almost at a zero. Luckily we figured out that it was due to hormonal birth control and I’m happy to say that it’s skyrocketed back up and I’m wearing him out now. 

Anyway, I asked him if he ever felt resentment towards me or that I didn’t love him and he told me absolutely not. He said that he probably would have if I wouldn’t have been communicating with him. I was telling him that I was sorry and that I hated that I wasn’t enjoying sex as much. I constantly reassured him that it wasn’t him that was causing it and that I loved him. I even tried taking supplements that were supposed to help. One was a powder that I had to mix with liquid and it tasted and smelled like vomit but I gagged and drank it every day hoping it would help (it didn’t). I also tried to make sure that we were having sex at least once a week. 
So he said that he never resented me because he knew that I was trying and that I still loved him and cared about him. He says he obviously wanted more sex but he would have been ok with what we had because he never felt unloved and always knew I cared about him and his needs. 

Would that have made a difference to you? Is it just about the sex? Or about the lack of empathy? Or both? If your partner, who you deeply love, tried the best they could for you, would that be enough?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?


I think the way this question is worded makes it very hard to answer.

How about this? 

The lack of sex causes us to feel like we don't have a bond with our partner. That may make us feel unloved or unwanted.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The problem that many have here with LD partners is that they say they want to improve things, but their actions say something entirely different.

Look at what you did. You were willing to drink something that tasted like vomit in an effort to get your drive back. Pleasing your husband was so important to you that you were willing to take extraordinary measures to try and get your libido back. That is to be commended.

It also needs to be pointed out, because it is in stark contrast to most of the LD situations we see here.

A sexless marriage is what brought me to this site to begin with. At the time, my wife would just simply tell me she was no longer interested in sex, and any conversation or attempt to get her to put forth effort resulted in her anger.

Things are much better now as we have both worked on our own issues as well as our marriage. But at the time, she was a poster child for what not to like about an LD.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

toblerone said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?
> ...


Well that’s what I was kind of getting at. What if the lack of sex didn’t make you feel unloved and unwanted because you knew that your partner was trying? If they hated the fact that they were LD and were trying to assure you that it wasn’t your fault and that they still very much loved you? Do you think the resentment would still eventually show up?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

LeananSidhe said:


> If your partner, who you deeply love, tried the best they could for you, would that be enough?


Absolutely, positively YES. You seem to be the rare case of someone who lost her libido, but still realized that it was very important to communicate about. This might be simply because you remembered that you once had enjoyed a wonderful sex life with your husband and secondly, I think that being very considerate is likely part of your character is other aspects of life too.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> The problem that many have here with LD partners is that they say they want to improve things, but their actions say something entirely different.
> 
> Look at what you did. You were willing to drink something that tasted like vomit in an effort to get your drive back. Pleasing your husband was so important to you that you were willing to take extraordinary measures to try and get your libido back. That is to be commended.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Maybe part of it was that I wasn’t always LD but just temporarily because of the birth control...so I did remember what it felt like to enjoy sex and want sex. I wanted that back. I will say that the longer I went as LD and the more my drive went down, the harder it was to remember. I started questioning if I had ever really loved sex and wondered if I had been deluding myself. Even though I did try so hard to fix things, if I’m being completely honest I can see where I may have stopped caring as much eventually. I’m very thankful that I figured out the problem before it was too late.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> Well that’s what I was kind of getting at. What if the lack of sex didn’t make you feel unloved and unwanted because you knew that your partner was trying? If they hated the fact that they were LD and were trying to assure you that it wasn’t your fault and that they still very much loved you? Do you think the resentment would still eventually show up?


I think in that situation the resentment may still show up if the assurances were only in words, and not action. Or, another way: what are they _doing_ to try to fix whatever it is that is causing the LD?

I think it is especially important if the spouse doesn't feel that bond with the LD that only sex provides.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

LeananSidhe said:


> Well that’s what I was kind of getting at. What if the lack of sex didn’t make you feel unloved and unwanted because you knew that your partner was trying? If they hated the fact that they were LD and were trying to assure you that it wasn’t your fault and that they still very much loved you? Do you think the resentment would still eventually show up?


I'm speaking from experience...and my opinion:

Resentment would (should only) show up if the LD partner was making no attempt.

Frustration may creep in eventually even if the LD partner was trying everything. 

Any resentment would be uncalled for in that situation.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's hard to give a definitive answer. I think I'd still grow resentful even if an LD wife was communicating and working on the issue - but, it would take longer and I would try to be supportive and work with her in finding a solution. Frustration and lack of fulfillment will still be an issue that might not be sustainable in the long run. If there are any other significant negatives to the relationship, there would surely be resentment and less willingness to endure the situation.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its complicated and there are many very different LD/HD situations.

For many HD people, sex makes them generally happy. This is not a conscious decision, but just the way their brains / emotions work. So without sex, even if they completely accept the reasons, there is this unavoidable undercurrent of unhappiness and frustration. 

We also have to be careful because "sex" means different things to different people. To some, "sex" means intercourse. To others it means any sort of intimate physical interaction. 

OP, you seem to have worked very hard to try to fix this, and I think many HD partners would hold you blameless - even if they were feeling frustrated and unhappy. But there are a lot of LD/HD situations where the LD makes no effort to change, or acts as if the HDs desire for sex is somehow a selfish or perverted thing. 

Of course there are also cases where the "LD" isn't really LD at all, but rather the HD's behavior is in some way horribly off-putting. 


I don't think there are simple rules for how people will feel.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It is very complicated.

I probably shouldn’t answer.

My opinion of what is Low Desire is very different than some. I have learned that from discussions on this board.

For the first 19 years of our marriage my wife was unable to think about sex on her own. She never initiated. She didn’t think of anything to make it better.

Because she was responsive I found our sex life good enough. After her affair I discovered she had faked much of that response. She acted in a way she learned I enjoyed because she wanted me to enjoy sex with her. She was extremely good at faking sexual response.

When I discovered that I was not pleased. But at the same time I discovered that I also discovered many other things about her.

We worked together to find ways so she could enjoy sex, even though she could only respond. I kept pushing her to get therapy. Four years later she started, and after eight years of therapy she finally got to the point she could think about sex.

I don’t know how to think about those first six years when Mary was usually bored, but always acted enthusiastically responsive. She deserves an Oscar? 

I had no idea she was bored, and I was happy right up to the time she fooled around.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind.
> 
> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?
> 
> ...


I'm somewhat HD and my wife somewhat LD, but unlike in some cases in these forums, the difference is not extreme and that probably helps in our situation. she still wants sex at least once in every two or three weeks. That being said, I find that I can handle it just by making abstinence itself a part of the game, a form of foreplay in its own right if you will, by engaging in chastity play mostly on my own but with my wife on occasion too. That just makes the sex even more pleasurable when it does happen. We also have a life outside of sex too. We cook for one another, go cycling together, visit friends together, etc.

But again, the fact my wife still wants sex on occasion helps.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind.
> 
> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?
> 
> ...


I think you are right your effort showed that you cared. I know I will get flack for this but to me not caring is no different then being married to a spouse who doesn't talk to you, and then says, look I'm not a talker. Doesn't mean they have to become the most talkative person in the world but making an effort is important. Most people are going to resent it. The thing with sex in a monogamous marriage is, you are basically asking the person to give their entire sexuality to you, so it's wrong to then not provide for them in anyway. That is a very selfish deal if you behave this way.

Their are lots of other things in marriage that if they were abandoned would be seen as a terrible thing to do to a spouse. For instance a spouse who doesn't work and expects their spouse to pay for everything. No one would say that is acceptable. It's seems like only with sex is this acceptable and then it's only by people who behave this way. Abandoning ones sex-life with their spouse is a terrible thing to do to them and make you a bad partner. Personally I think marriage without sex is not a marriage anyway, it a platonic friendship with a business deal. 

That's the thing with you, you had a problem and you tried to fix it. You never abandoned him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I've been with both HD and LD partners through the years. 

however, I think i'm a bit different then most guys in that i was single a lot of years and went without sex during those years.
i didn't need it. i still don't, but cherish it with my now wife.

having qualified that, for me, it would be the attitude that counts most. the extreme was when i was with a selfish, abusive sexless woman who taunted me with sex
(or the lack of).
and iv'e been with women that cant get enough. i've seen both sides. with someone like you, i would have very little issues, i think. 

but i think most guys NEED sex. so it would depend on the guy. the more understanding, loving ones would be patient and stick with it,
and find other outlets.
the more needy and demanding types would not tolerate it, and probably look elsewhere, or become abusive.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, I was married for 24 years. Most of the last part of it was sexless or nearly sexless, with little passion from her side. What I got was mostly duty sex. I was told that none of her friends enjoyed sex with their husbands, it was just something they did to keep the peace. If it had been a while and I brought it up, I got an angry response. How dare I keep track! Usually followed with something along the lines telling me, that my thoughts were stupid and besides she was just too busy to even think about having sex with me.
All of those responses and reactions caused me a lot of resentment.
My point is that you actually realized the issue and took action to resolve it. You also openly communicated with your H. 
So to answer your question, I do not know if it was just lack of sex, or lack of effort. Probably more of the latter. Because I tried to deal with the lack of sex as best I could, either by trying to do more to alleviate her stress or otherwise occupying myself with other pursuits. So, yea, now that I think about it, it was probably more the lack of any effort or understanding on her part whenever I expressed myself to her. Eventually I just shut down. How many times does one need to be told that their thoughts and opinions are stupid before you begin to internalize it?


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

Been there, done that. I let my LD ex-wife walk all over me for years. 

If my current partner decided to stop having sex with me, for any reason other than something strictly medical, that would mean the end of the relationship. I will NOT go through that again.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> Would that have made a difference to you? Is it just about the sex? Or about the lack of empathy? Or both? If your partner, who you deeply love, tried the best they could for you, would that be enough?


Certainly better than being called a sex maniac. Enough? Maybe, didn't happen so I can't say. 

I can say that after getting her to finally move off the "once a month if you are lucky" baseline which involved several years of sustained arguments and discussions, there is a level where I very much appreciate the effort and mostly don't resent the situation. Yet that is still far below anything I would have considered desirable / acceptable / reasonable in the past.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I had a significant setback in health over the last six months. My Dr. decided I wasn't handling stress very well and put me on a SSRI. Having read here for a long time, I checked the possible side effects, and sure enough sexual problems were in there. It's been a revelation. Let's give you some history.
Over the course of 30 years and 4 children we have drifted apart on the drive spectrum. I've been fairly stable at some interest about every 36 hours. That amounts to 4 -5 times / week. Unfortunately with health and age My abilities aren't keeping up with my desire. Mrs Nail has been on a long decline. With one significant bump When she just couldn't get an orgasm. Once she shared the information, we found some solutions. Her desire is at about every other week. We had settled in at once or twice a week for quite a while and in a few different work schedules. It was almost scheduled. (no penalty and no rain check for missing a date) Then came my new medication.
The good news is I'm in a much better mood. I get less food cravings. Health is getting back on track. The bad news is I'm never interested. Just doesn't cross my mind. Neither of us realized it was Valentines this morning. We have been dry 3 weeks. She has been touching a lot for about 3 days, so we are definitely past her comfort zone. She made a play this morning and I actually responded pretty well. 

I guess I understand both sides of this better now. I honestly think having a low but more matched libido will be easier to live with. I don't plan on stopping the medication any time soon. 

Like so many of the other HD respondents, I applaud your attitude through all of this. I also have to say that even getting sex well over the sexless line still left me quite frustrated. I also have to confess to some bad habits we have picked up in this adventure. Mrs. Nail din't put down her e-book until well after the fore play part. It was pretty off putting to me. I mean 3 weeks, and you can't concentrate on the sex for 20 minutes?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You should have politely declined.

Not only do you respect yourself less for not saying something, but she respects you less as well.

It is a lose-lose situation.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Being in a 20+ year mismatched marriage this is my opinion on it:

I often hear people say they want to do something. Like they want to lose weight, or they want to get a better education, or they want to have a higher sex drive. In reality, if they are not actively doing something to achieve those goals, they 'want to want' the thing. They don't really 'want' a higher sex drive, they would like it if it magically happened, but they are not taking any proactive steps to achieve it.

In most LD/HD marriages, the LD partner would love it if they woke up tomorrow and had a higher drive. However, that just doesn't happen. In my marriage, specifically, I feel my wife never followed through with any of the exercises and activities that various counselors or books recommended. In fact, if we were going through a book together, when it got to the sex part, she would often stop the book all together. One time she got a book on her own and started going through it. I would notice her book mark and see what she was reading. Well, once it got to sex, it never moved again.

So for me, it did build up resentment, because it was not important enough for her to put effort into. Whatever her issues might be, I have no idea, because she also does not open up about anything. There was no abuse, no rape, and nothing she has ever said was an instigator of her feelings on the subject.

I eventually did have a ONS on a business trip and it is in no way her fault or responsibility (I just like to add that to clarify in case people look at my posting history here). The 6-7 months after that was the only time in our marriage that she ever was into sex, she was a different person. Once the hysterical bonding ending, so did the sex drive, and after that it is almost like she is even more upset for me ever making her want it.

Life is an interesting ride.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lean,

Your post below describes the gold standard for managing an extended period of low sexual desire. 

For most partners, this approach will make a huge positive difference. 



[=LeananSidhe;19068482]I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind. 

I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?

The reason I’m asking is because reading the stories here made me want to talk to my husband about what his feelings were during my LD years. I started out being HD and then after we started having kids my drive dipped way down. It got worse after each kid and after our 3rd was born it was almost at a zero. Luckily we figured out that it was due to hormonal birth control and I’m happy to say that it’s skyrocketed back up and I’m wearing him out now. 

Anyway, I asked him if he ever felt resentment towards me or that I didn’t love him and he told me absolutely not. He said that he probably would have if I wouldn’t have been communicating with him. I was telling him that I was sorry and that I hated that I wasn’t enjoying sex as much. I constantly reassured him that it wasn’t him that was causing it and that I loved him. I even tried taking supplements that were supposed to help. One was a powder that I had to mix with liquid and it tasted and smelled like vomit but I gagged and drank it every day hoping it would help (it didn’t). I also tried to make sure that we were having sex at least once a week. 
So he said that he never resented me because he knew that I was trying and that I still loved him and cared about him. He says he obviously wanted more sex but he would have been ok with what we had because he never felt unloved and always knew I cared about him and his needs. 

Would that have made a difference to you? Is it just about the sex? Or about the lack of empathy? Or both? If your partner, who you deeply love, tried the best they could for you, would that be enough?[/QUOTE]


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ynot said:


> OP, I was married for 24 years. Most of the last part of it was sexless or nearly sexless, with little passion from her side. What I got was mostly duty sex. I was told that none of her friends enjoyed sex with their husbands, it was just something they did to keep the peace. If it had been a while and I brought it up, I got an angry response. How dare I keep track! Usually followed with something along the lines telling me, that my thoughts were stupid and besides she was just too busy to even think about having sex with me.
> All of those responses and reactions caused me a lot of resentment.
> My point is that you actually realized the issue and took action to resolve it. You also openly communicated with your H.
> So to answer your question, I do not know if it was just lack of sex, or lack of effort. Probably more of the latter. Because I tried to deal with the lack of sex as best I could, either by trying to do more to alleviate her stress or otherwise occupying myself with other pursuits. So, yea, now that I think about it, it was probably more the lack of any effort or understanding on her part whenever I expressed myself to her. Eventually I just shut down. How many times does one need to be told that their thoughts and opinions are stupid before you begin to internalize it?


I would categorize this as abuse not because of the sex but the dismissive nature of her responses.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This loss of drive happened to M2, in menopause and she handled it in a pretty similar way.

Very helpful. 



LeananSidhe said:


> I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind.
> 
> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?
> 
> ...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

LeananSidhe said:


> Well that’s what I was kind of getting at. What if the lack of sex didn’t make you feel unloved and unwanted because you knew that your partner was trying? If they hated the fact that they were LD and were trying to assure you that it wasn’t your fault and that they still very much loved you? Do you think the resentment would still eventually show up?


Of course. 

Because there is no other outlet. Your sympathy over the long haul doesn't feed the bulldog when it comes the one thing that we customarily consider reserved for one person and one person only, but that person can't be bothered to show up.

"Sorry 'bout that knife if your back, love. You understand. I still love you"


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Thanks for the responses! It helps me understand my husband’s feelings. It was honestly eye opening and kind of distressing when I first started reading the posts here about men with LD partners and how it effected them. I worried that my husband may have felt similar towards me and it was upsetting. I’m glad to know that my response to this helped him.

I’m not trying to pretend to be perfect. I have lots of flaws. There were times during this LD spell when I felt angry and annoyed. Where I felt like I shouldn’t have to try so hard. I really feel like the only thing that kept me going was the memory of how things used to be. If I wouldn’t have had those really great years then I might have just shrugged it off and thought that it was normal. The joke is that sex stops after marriage... Maybe I would have believed that. There were times when I really wanted to just say “This is how it is now so deal with it.” 
The longer it went on, the less I could feel myself caring. Especially during that last year when I had zero drive (when I was on the depo shot). But I also think that had to do with the hormones too. I wasn’t a very happy person when I was on the shot. I felt depressed and angry a lot. I felt tense and uninterested in things. I’m just lucky that I figured out the problem when I did. 

It does feel great to be back to normal! It’s taken about 7 months since I quit the birth control to feel like my old self.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I would categorize this as abuse not because of the sex but the dismissive nature of her responses.


I agree with you NOW. But there was a time...
While I was married I did internalize her words and came to think that there must be something wrong with me. I would often slink away, and upon reflection come crawling back to apologize for being so insensitive. Later, after she left, I was willing to do anything to save my marriage, because you know, marriage is supposed to be forever. 
Since then I have come to understand that I was abused. I also understand that I allowed myself to be abused and I have decided that I will not allow that to happen to me ever again.
At first I was very angry, first at her, then at myself. But as my thinking has evolved I have come to realize that she was only doing the only thing she knew how to do, as was I. But now I know different, I have no idea about her.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

There are so many different variables, and I think many here hit on most, it could be a variety of things. In my situation, here are two things that came to mind:

- We would go an extended period w/o sex. When we finally had sex, my W would comment about how it must have been so hard for me to go so long without. In my mind, if you thought it was hard on me, why didn't you do something about it beforehand? I would typically bend over backwards if I thought you needed something, yet you don't reciprocate.

- Actions speak louder than words. We can talk about the subject until we are both blue in the face, but if you make no effort then you clearly don't give a crap (keep in mind, I am not saying by any stretch my W didn't give a crap, just what would go through my head)


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

That’s a tough one and I’m sure it varies from person to person, as well as from time to time within the same person.

Effort is always appreciated. 

But there is a flipside. My wife and I were discussing a similar time in our lives and she told me she knew I was dissatisfied so she kept a diary to track our activity. She proudly proclaimed to me that during that period we had, more often than not, had sex once/week. She was very pleased with herself for putting fort the effort to do so (although it was always pure vanilla). So I was pleased with the effort, but the problem was I felt like it was a rather horrible thing that this should be such a chore. I learned to live without the spontaneity, but I never learned to be satisfied without the fun factor. 

Now, 8 years later, she’s making a strong effort again, including expanding her repertoire and being open to trying new things, so again, I appreciate the effort, but now it’s all purely done as a maintenance function, not as a pleasure function. I applaud her effort to maintain the marriage, but when she says there’s no real desire and when the activity always feels more mechanical than inspired, that stings just as bad.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Now, 8 years later, she’s making a strong effort again, including expanding her repertoire and being open to trying new things, so again, I appreciate the effort, but now it’s all purely done as a maintenance function, not as a pleasure function. I applaud her effort to maintain the marriage, but *when she says there’s no real desire and when the activity always feels more mechanical than inspired, that stings just as bad*.


The tough thing about the bolded, you know it isn't her fault, it is who she is now and it is not like she is deliberately doing it. Nonetheless, it still bothers you that you "aren't enough". That is the part I think a lot of us try to reconcile, and the less you are able to reconcile this the more resentful you will become.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

EllisRedding said:


> The tough thing about the bolded, you know it isn't her fault, it is who she is now and it is not like she is deliberately doing it. Nonetheless, it still bothers you that you "aren't enough". That is the part I think a lot of us try to reconcile, and the less you are able to reconcile this the more resentful you will become.


Exactly! Perfectly expressed.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LeananSidhe said:


> I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind.
> 
> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?
> 
> ...


I was in a sex starved marriage and it was much more than just a lack of sex, it was a lack of feeling loved and emotionally connected. So yes, it is more than sex. I remember times when I talked to my wife about how if she just made me feel loved and cherished in my Love Languages (Chapman's 5 Languages of Love) I could have survived. At any rate, we reconciled and are now both happy.

Congratulations on getting your libido back. 

My real advice is not to focus on the past, but focus on the future. One of the things that the sex therapist we worked with did, was to have us think about what we wanted our marriage to look like in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years in the future. As we have been married over 46 years one of the topics now is what do we want to do and how do we want to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. What kind of kick-ass older couple do we want to be. You really need to visualize what your long term goals are.

Good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One other factor that helped was non-sexual affection. We always had a high touch marriage and that continued unchanged during this time. If I put my head in M2’s lap when we are watching tv, she always gives me a killer back scratch. And we often lie adjacent, legs tangled. 

I had a bad habit of groping M2 at the beginning of our marriage. But in year one she told me to stop and I did. After that, when I touched her - it wasn’t taken as a request for sex, because it wasn’t a request for sex. It was just some type contact that I knew she liked. 

Lot of posters here claim that their spouses don’t like being touched. While I know some folks really don’t like physical touch very much, I also believe a lot of married people don’t like the WAY their partner touches them. 

This sort of ties back to the multi-layered nature of marriage. IMO, the vow to forsake, is a big vow. Equal parts commitment and responsibility. Some folks don’t see it that way, but personally I could not be married to someone who interprets a vow like that as absolute and unconditional. Meaning they have no responsibility to make an effort to ensure that - monogamy doesn’t turn into forced celibacy. 

I’m responsible for being faithful AND
M2 is responsible for making sure I’m not chronically sexually frustrated AND
We are BOTH responsible for making that as easy as possible for her by:
- Being highly, if need be painfully transparent about turn ons and turn offs
- Staying fit, practicing good hygiene, being playful and fun to be around 

Recently a poster was complaining that he was often sexually starved in his marriage and equally starved of touch. What he left out was that his wife - who posts here - complained vocally that most of his touch was unwanted groping. 

What amazed me was, he didn't seem to grasp that groping his wife was really hurting their sex life. This is Pavlov 101 if your wife has responsive desire (as M2 does and as his wife did). If your wife has come to associate non sexual touch with feeling good and being relaxed, it is way way easier to get her responsive desire to kick in. If however, she associates your touch with feeling bad/tense/unhappy - you have a way higher bar to get over. 

And the funny thing was, his response to her complaints about being groped: well, if you let me grope you, maybe I will ALSO start touching you in a non sexual way more often. That worked out about as well as one might imagine.





LeananSidhe said:


> Thanks for the responses! It helps me understand my husband’s feelings. It was honestly eye opening and kind of distressing when I first started reading the posts here about men with LD partners and how it effected them. I worried that my husband may have felt similar towards me and it was upsetting. I’m glad to know that my response to this helped him.
> 
> I’m not trying to pretend to be perfect. I have lots of flaws. There were times during this LD spell when I felt angry and annoyed. Where I felt like I shouldn’t have to try so hard. I really feel like the only thing that kept me going was the memory of how things used to be. If I wouldn’t have had those really great years then I might have just shrugged it off and thought that it was normal. The joke is that sex stops after marriage... Maybe I would have believed that. There were times when I really wanted to just say “This is how it is now so deal with it.”
> The longer it went on, the less I could feel myself caring. Especially during that last year when I had zero drive (when I was on the depo shot). But I also think that had to do with the hormones too. I wasn’t a very happy person when I was on the shot. I felt depressed and angry a lot. I felt tense and uninterested in things. I’m just lucky that I figured out the problem when I did.
> ...


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

My wife and I have lost our intimate connection and I am not certain we will ever get it back. We tried MC the issue at that time was I needed longer to orgasm and my wife was quick 9n the trigger......during MC she was told (without me in the room) that she need not feel that my orgasm was her responsibility. I did not learn this until long after the MC ended .......it was at this point when I first considered taking a lover....I think women who send their husbands out into the world sexually frustrated are flirting with disaster .


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can appreciate the extra effort in other ways, but for me sex is always going to be the bottom line. You’re either doing it enthusiastically or not. The extra effort is ok, maybe buys you a little more time. But it’s not going to keep me happy more than a month or so. 


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind.
> 
> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?
> 
> ...





farsidejunky said:


> The problem that many have here with LD partners is that they say they want to improve things, but their actions say something entirely different.
> 
> Look at what you did. You were willing to drink something that tasted like vomit in an effort to get your drive back. Pleasing your husband was so important to you that you were willing to take extraordinary measures to try and get your libido back. That is to be commended.
> 
> ...


Post of the day Far!


Leanan, I know this is going to seem awfully short, but it can really be explained in one word. 

EFFORT! 

The lack of effort and give a damn is what causes the resentment. I said it before and I'll say it again. You really should be commended for the effort you put in!


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> Post of the day Far!
> 
> 
> Leanan, I know this is going to seem awfully short, but it can really be explained in one word.
> ...


Thanks. He puts a lot of effort into making me happy too. I would probably say that he works harder for it than I do. He’s a pretty easy to please guy.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind.
> 
> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?
> 
> ...




You are going to get a lot of responses that will probably make you feel guilty...One of the best aphrodisiacs.
Your husband is lucky: he’s got a lot of sex coming his way as a result of this thread 
Just don’t break him at once and space it out 


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> You are going to get a lot of responses that will probably make you feel guilty...One of the best aphrodisiacs.
> Your husband is lucky: he’s got a lot of sex coming his way as a result of this thread
> Just don’t break him at once and space it out
> 
> ...


Yeah right. Yesterday I posted on another thread that it had been 10 times in 8 days and now it’s been 11 times in 9 days. (I don’t know why I’m counting...Is that weird? I think it’s a pride thing.) 
I do think he’s finally slowing down though. I’m betting he’ll be asking me to stay on my side of the bed tonight. We have a rare date night planned for tomorrow so he’ll need some strength built up.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> Yeah right. Yesterday I posted on another thread that it had been 10 times in 8 days and now it’s been 11 times in 9 days. (I don’t know why I’m counting...Is that weird? I think it’s a pride thing.)


As long as you are not carving out crosses with a knife on your forearms every time after you guys had sex, it’s probably nt too weird, no 🤨



LeananSidhe said:


> I do think he’s finally slowing down though. I’m betting he’ll be asking me to stay on my side of the bed tonight. We have a rare date night planned for tomorrow so he’ll need some strength built up.



Yeah don’t suck out all the juices, otherwise he might turn into a prune at midnight. 




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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?



See, if you were a man, this would not be a separate question: lack of desire from wife equals unloved/unwanted.
I know some men can sleep around and not care (apparently. I can’t). But when it comes sex with wife and the husband desires wife more than wife desires husband, then sex equals emotional connection. So rejection of it means also rejecting the bond. Some men eventually reach a point where their self defences kick in and they loose desire for good.
As a man - and I’m trying to be objective about this whole thing - I feel we are making too big a deal/sometimes reading too much into stuff. I think with age we become more ‘needy’ and expect too much from our partner (not as much sexually as emotionally).
I try to look at myself from an outside’s point of view and I don’t always like what I see.
If my spouse was me, I sometimes wouldn’t want to have sex with me either...
I think it comes back all the way to the kind of relationships we had with our parents: it’s tough for a guy to loose a mother figure for good and it’s tough for a woman to loose a father figure and the associated support that comes with it. 
The expectations just become too high and sometimes misplaced.
I dunno. We all want the same thing in the end: to provide the most ‘pure’ love to our partner so that we can live in hope to receive something similar in return.
Bla bla...must go back to the slopes  



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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

I’m realizing that I’m a hypocrite. As a woman who has experienced being LD, I automatically empathize with other LD women and think that it’s not their fault and they probably still love their spouses very much (like I did). 

At the same time.... My very first post here just a couple weeks ago was about how my husband occasionally can’t orgasm and how crappy it made me feel. Even though he assures me that he still loves me very much and is very attracted to me, I still feel let down and insecure when it happens. It would crush me if he turned down sex with me. Sex is more than sex for me and it helps me feel loved and close to my husband. 

So...I guess I should start trying to put myself in both sets of shoes.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The post below shows a high level of self awareness. Nothing more valuable than that in a marriage.




LeananSidhe said:


> I’m realizing that I’m a hypocrite. As a woman who has experienced being LD, I automatically empathize with other LD women and think that it’s not their fault and they probably still love their spouses very much (like I did).
> 
> At the same time.... My very first post here just a couple weeks ago was about how my husband occasionally can’t orgasm and how crappy it made me feel. Even though he assures me that he still loves me very much and is very attracted to me, I still feel let down and insecure when it happens. It would crush me if he turned down sex with me. Sex is more than sex for me and it helps me feel loved and close to my husband.
> 
> So...I guess I should start trying to put myself in both sets of shoes.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

One of the things I verified about my wife after I discovered she was pretty broken was she faked orgasms. I say most, she says no way, only a lot. I had suspected it for years.

I said I didn’t want her faking any more. She told me okay but then I had to accept that she could have sex just fine without orgasms.

I know some people think this is supposed to be acceptable. But I don’t think it’s fun. So I said fine, I won’t have orgasms either, then.

Hey, if it’s fine for her it’s fine for me. That’s my thinking. Yes, I am able to do that. I had been practicing edging since I started masturbating at 11. Lasting was easy. Mary ambushed me after I was asleep, but after two days she agreed to consider the possibility I could find things that worked for her.

So I certainly understand the frustration if you want your partner to enjoy the experience with you and you feel for some reason they don’t.

And yes, congratulations on your continued efforts!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I’m realizing that I’m a hypocrite. As a woman who has experienced being LD, I automatically empathize with other LD women and think that it’s not their fault and they probably still love their spouses very much (like I did).
> 
> At the same time.... My very first post here just a couple weeks ago was about how my husband occasionally can’t orgasm and how crappy it made me feel. Even though he assures me that he still loves me very much and is very attracted to me, I still feel let down and insecure when it happens. It would crush me if he turned down sex with me. Sex is more than sex for me and it helps me feel loved and close to my husband.
> 
> So...I guess I should start trying to put myself in both sets of shoes.




Which exposes perhaps one human trait: which is that empathy is only possible if the other person has had the opportunity to directly experience it. Most LDs haven’t had that ‘luxury’ hence no empathy possible.
(Unless they are extremely good with analogies).
One of the reasons why HDs get so resentful is because they also don’t understand that LDs have no frame of reference when it comes to wanting lots of sex.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If I was a sex therapist, I’d probably be homeless from lack of business because my required first homework session would be as follows:
1. The HD person would need to pick a rich food they love, like chocolate cake, and eat it til they were on the edge of spewing up all that cake - and repeat this three nights in a row, see if it changes their fondness for that food.
2. The LD person would need to go on an all day hike with their HD partner during which the LD wouldn’t eat anything and the HD partner could bring and eat as many protein bars as they want. 

Those are the closest analogies I can construct, and I think they would raise people’s empathy levels in both directions. 





inmyprime said:


> Which exposes perhaps one human trait: which is that empathy is only possible if the other person has had the opportunity to directly experience it. Most LDs haven’t had that ‘luxury’ hence no empathy possible.
> (Unless they are extremely good with analogies).
> One of the reasons why HDs get so resentful is because they also don’t understand that LDs have no frame of reference when it comes to wanting lots of sex.
> 
> ...


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

MEM2020 said:


> If I was a sex therapist, I’d probably be homeless from lack of business because my required first homework session would be as follows:
> 1. The HD person would need to pick a rich food they love, like chocolate cake, and eat it til they were on the edge of spewing up all that cake - and repeat this three nights in a row, see if it changes their fondness for that food.
> 2. The LD person would need to go on an all day hike with their HD partner during which the LD wouldn’t eat anything and the HD partner could bring and eat as many protein bars as they want.
> 
> Those are the closest analogies I can construct, and I think they would raise people’s empathy levels in both directions.


NAW.... if I were a sex therapist, I would skip the analogy and create a real life swap therapy instead. The women would be put on high doses of testosterone and the men would be put on testosterone blockers. And if for some reason they couldn't do the hormone swaps, then I would send them to you for analogy thereapy. >. Analogies are good but reality bites!!!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

mary35 said:


> NAW.... if I were a sex therapist, I would skip the analogy and create a real life swap therapy instead. The women would be put on high doses of testosterone and the men would be put on testosterone blockers. And if for some reason they couldn't do the hormone swaps, then I would send them to you for analogy thereapy. >. Analogies are good but reality bites!!!


When my wife was put on testosterone, she had a real light bulb moment and said “oh my god! Now I know what it feels like to be you!”

It was a fun, if rather demanding couple weeks. Sadly, as soon as the treatment ended, it was business as usual as though it had never happened in the first place. 

It would seem the understanding lasts only as one is actually under the influence.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> When my wife was put on testosterone, she had a real light bulb moment and said “oh my god! Now I know what it feels like to be you!”
> 
> It was a fun, if rather demanding couple weeks. Sadly, as soon as the treatment ended, it was business as usual as though it had never happened in the first place.
> 
> It would seem the understanding lasts only as one is actually under the influence.


Why is she not still on it?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

mary35 said:


> Why is she not still on it?


It was really juts a test...doc looking for the best combo of meds/hormones to counter the double whammy of hyperthyroidism and menopause. The T was supposed to help address her fatigue. Ultimately it was determined there would be better options.

Although I think they’re (doc and wife) circling around to another combo that may include some T.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I was hoping they were trying the testosterone specifically to raise libido, and not any other issue.

Would you consider suggesting it if you thought it was efficacious and safe?

Would your wife be willing to try that if they offered it?

Would the doctors be willing to offer it?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I was hoping they were trying the testosterone specifically to raise libido, and not any other issue.
> 
> Would you consider suggesting it if you thought it was efficacious and safe?
> 
> ...


The hope was that an increase in energy level would facilitate more libido as well.

I tend to be very anti pill in general, so I would be reluctant to make such a suggestion, especially just for sex. As important as that I’d to me, it falls way behind my wife’s overall health in importance. 

While my wife doesn’t share my aversion to pills, I don’t really think she’d go for it just for sex. Even before the fatigue, that wasn’t a priority for her as she was perfectly happy with her libido level and the correspondingly infrequent sex.

And when she was on the T, she said she got so wound up that she couldn’t concentrate on normal daily tasks. Great for me when I got home, but she found the distracting obsession with sex to be very uncomfortable.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mary,
Much better approach. Though, I believe it is easier to get a script for testosterone than - meds that completely kill your sex drive. 

Thing is, unless coupled with empathy, the core trait - the effect doesn’t last. M2 and I are sort of synchronized, makes this whole thing work pretty well. 

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/do_mirror_neurons_give_empathy

Did you ever have that sensation where you’re watching someone do something—serve a tennis ball, say, or get pricked by a needle—and you can just feel exactly what they must be feeling, as if you were in their shoes?

Scientists have long wondered why we get that feeling, and more than two decades ago, a team of Italian researchers thought they stumbled on an answer. While observing monkeys’ brains, they noticed that certain cells activated both when a monkey performed an action and when that monkey watched another monkey perform the same action. “Mirror neurons” were discovered.




mary35 said:


> NAW.... if I were a sex therapist, I would skip the analogy and create a real life swap therapy instead. The women would be put on high doses of testosterone and the men would be put on testosterone blockers. And if for some reason they couldn't do the hormone swaps, then I would send them to you for analogy thereapy. >. Analogies are good but reality bites!!!


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The hope was that an increase in energy level would facilitate more libido as well.
> 
> I tend to be very anti pill in general, so I would be reluctant to make such a suggestion, especially just for sex. As important as that I’d to me, it falls way behind my wife’s overall health in importance.
> 
> ...


Research DHEA.

Just food for thought.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The hope was that an increase in energy level would facilitate more libido as well.
> 
> I tend to be very anti pill in general, so I would be reluctant to make such a suggestion, especially just for sex. As important as that I’d to me, it falls way behind my wife’s overall health in importance.
> 
> ...


I use bio-identical hormones that are in creme form that is applied topically. I can relate to the wound up and obsessed with sex feeling. But I found it to be invigorating and energizing - a high of sorts. I miss it to be honest. I was overdosed at the time. My levels were way way too high and when cut back, I lost the high feeling. Gained control of myself again, which was good. But I do miss that high feeling of being aroused most of my waking hours and sleeping hours too, as I think about it. Some of my dreams back then .. Hot hot hot!!!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Windwalker said:


> Research DHEA.
> 
> Just food for thought.


Good good food for thought. I take this in pill form - actually keto dhea 7 to be exact.

Difference Between 7-Keto DHEA and DHEA | Difference Between

I also use a vaginal estrogen\dhea creme that helps with lubrication and genital arousal response.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

To respond to the original query, which I know has already been extensively addressed, but I want to put my two cents in...

I was in a sexless marriage for 5+ yrs, and my XH did nothing to address this issue, despite the fact that I brought it up in conversation multiple times. If he had made an effort, and actively sought out solutions to our problem, I would have been happy, even if he wasn't able to find the perfect solution. But he had no interest in doing anything to actually solve the problem, and this made me feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted, and even worthless. Especially when combined with the fact that he routinely flat out ignored me or avoided having contact with me, and never touched me. So not only were we not having sex, he also wasn't speaking my love languages (physical touch and quality time).

OP, the big difference in your situation, as pointed out by many others here, is EFFORT. You not only acknowledged that there was a problem, but you also went to great lengths to find a solution, and that conveys SO much to your partner regarding how much you value them and how much you want to be a good partner. THAT is what makes all the difference.

The one thing you will find in common among all the HD people complaining about LD partners is this: the LD partners don't make an effort to improve the situation, and frequently the LD partners "blame" the HD parter for wanting too much sex. NEVER in your posts have I seen you saying anything about your husband's expectations for sex being too high. 



LeananSidhe said:


> I’m realizing that I’m a hypocrite. As a woman who has experienced being LD, I automatically empathize with other LD women and think that it’s not their fault and they probably still love their spouses very much (like I did).
> 
> At the same time.... My very first post here just a couple weeks ago was about how my husband occasionally can’t orgasm and how crappy it made me feel. Even though he assures me that he still loves me very much and is very attracted to me, I still feel let down and insecure when it happens. It would crush me if he turned down sex with me. Sex is more than sex for me and it helps me feel loved and close to my husband.
> 
> So...I guess I should start trying to put myself in both sets of shoes.


I specifically wanted to address this post here. You didn't mention how old your H is, but he may want to have his prostate checked... just in case. I don't think this is anything serious, it could just be age, but it could be something, so he should get checked out. Just to be on the safe side.

His ability to orgasm has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you or how attractive he finds you. Sometimes it just doesn't work. (If orgasm was dictated by female attractiveness, no ugly ladies would have babies.) Let me ask you something... have you had an orgasm every single time you and H have had sex? I'm going to assume the answer is no, because no woman has had an orgasm EVERY SINGLE TIME. Does that lack of orgasm mean that you don't love your H and find him attractive? No, it doesn't! Trust me, if he still wants to jump your bones, orgasm or not, he still finds you attractive. 

However, you need to learn to be ok with this happening occasionally, because if you don't get your anxiety under control, it's going to start to affect him in a negative way. As in, your anxiety might get into his head, and it could result in performance issues or more frequent non-orgasm episodes, because he will feel pressure to perform and orgasm specifically because he knows that if he doesn't, you will feel crappy and insecure. You need to get a handle on this issue and remember that you are not responsible for the physiology of his orgasm. You are responsible for being and active and willing sex partner, and being engaged and present and good at sex, but you are not responsible for the physiology. Remember that.

And if it makes you feel better, my boyfriend of 2 yrs cannot orgasm during sex, but we make it work. (He might have death grip syndrome, but that's another issue and this isn't my thread.) I joked early on that it means that he can go for a really long time, so with him I finally get all the pounding that I want and I don't have to worry about him finishing and leaving me wanting more... but I also kind of meant it  But his earnest response was that I had the best reaction of any woman he's ever been with, and he genuinely appreciated my acceptance, and that I didn't make him feel bad about it, because he really does want to orgasm with me. And it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for me or find me attractive.

My point is, don't make your husband feel bad about it. In making it all about you, and not really empathizing with him when this sort of thing happens, you're likely making him feel bad that he can't please you. He already feels bad enough about it.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

FeministInPink said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I’m realizing that I’m a hypocrite. As a woman who has experienced being LD, I automatically empathize with other LD women and think that it’s not their fault and they probably still love their spouses very much (like I did).
> ...


He’s 35. 

When I say occasionally, I really mean rarely. It happens maybe once a year. It was a problem when he first became sexually active as a teenager and he had some issues when we first got together but it’s worked itself out. 
I’m working on my reaction to it when it does happen because I know it gets in his head and he hates it. I definitely have issues with self worth and I take things way too personally.
I’m also working on my weird notions about sex. I don’t know why but I feel like it’s not over until he orgasms. Whether or not I do is irrelevant but if he doesn’t then it’s a “failure”. Which is absolutely ridiculous and I don’t know why I feel that way. It is something we are working on though.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Both physical sex and the LD's attitude toward the problem matter a lot. Hypothetical HD experiences of an LD from best to worst:

Sincere concern, proactive attempts to fix libido, enthusiastic initiation of "compromise" activities. LL takes real pleasure in pleasing partner.

As above, but with half-hearted, jaded, or grudging duty sex acts. LL obviously checked out & having no fun.

As above, with a "sorry, but this is just how I am now" indifference toward actual physical relations. Celibacy for now, take it or leave it.

Heartfelt words and apologies but with no agency or attempt to address the LL cause.

Rug-sweeping, tacit, business as usual approach...it's not a problem if I/we never talk about it.

Acknowledging, but only as a way to start a "poor me, I'm such a terrible partner!" bid for sympathy.

As above, with plausibly deniable logistical chess-moves to avoid possible intimacy (shifting bedtimes, strategic schedule conflicts, etc)

Actively articulated litany of excuses (too much to do, too tired, feeling sick, etc etc)

Blaming HD for above, making specious bargains with moving goalposts (choreplay; if only you did more X, then maybe...)

Gaslighting, appeals to outside authority: Well I wanted to last night, but you were asleep (after 3 hours on Facebook). None of my married peers have sex either. Is that all you think about? You only want me for sex!

As above, plus starting proxy fights/arguments as cover whenever intimacy opportunity can't be avoided in other ways

As above, but with ongoing blatant anger, open contempt, even violence toward HD...ie, outright abuse


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LeananSidhe said:


> He’s 35.
> 
> When I say occasionally, I really mean rarely. It happens maybe once a year. It was a problem when he first became sexually active as a teenager and he had some issues when we first got together but it’s worked itself out.
> I’m working on my reaction to it when it does happen because I know it gets in his head and he hates it. I definitely have issues with self worth and I take things way too personally.
> I’m also working on my weird notions about sex. I don’t know why but I feel like it’s not over until he orgasms. Whether or not I do is irrelevant but if he doesn’t then it’s a “failure”. Which is absolutely ridiculous and I don’t know why I feel that way. It is something we are working on though.


Once a year really isn't a problem.

So you need to work on yourself and your issues of self-worth, which I'm going to guess are bigger than just sex, am I right? Have you ever considered seeing a therapist to work through these issues?


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

FeministInPink said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > He’s 35.
> ...


Yes, bigger than just sex. I’ve gotten better through the years but I still have to calm myself down sometimes. I think it stems from being treated badly by family members through my teen years. Feeling very unloved and left out. I married young at 19 years old and then my husband had some problems with lying for the first few years (he was young too). I think the combination of everything has just made me very insecure. 

Therapy would be great. I keep saying I’m going to go but keep making excuses.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> He’s 35.
> 
> When I say occasionally, I really mean rarely. It happens maybe once a year. It was a problem when he first became sexually active as a teenager and he had some issues when we first got together but it’s worked itself out.
> I’m working on my reaction to it when it does happen because I know it gets in his head and he hates it. I definitely have issues with self worth and I take things way too personally.
> I’m also working on my weird notions about sex. I don’t know why but I feel like it’s not over until he orgasms. Whether or not I do is irrelevant but if he doesn’t then it’s a “failure”. Which is absolutely ridiculous and I don’t know why I feel that way. It is something we are working on though.




Sorry if it’s TMI but is it the fact that he doesn’t finish from sex that upsets you or that he doesn’t finish? 
If you made him come manually after you orgasmed, would that be a problem for you?

Once a year...This can happen once a week and still would not be considered abnormal. People don’t always climax together or from the same things. If they do, it’s nice, if they don’t, it’s not the end of the world. Try not the take it personally. Because it isn’t. 


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LeananSidhe said:


> Yes, bigger than just sex. I’ve gotten better through the years but I still have to calm myself down sometimes. I think it stems from being treated badly by family members through my teen years. Feeling very unloved and left out. I married young at 19 years old and then my husband had some problems with lying for the first few years (he was young too). I think the combination of everything has just made me very insecure.
> 
> Therapy would be great. I keep saying I’m going to go but keep making excuses.


You need to stop making excuses and JUST GO.

You're making excuses because you're scared that you'll find out your insecurities are true, and that you really aren't worthy of love.

Trust me, that's not going to happen. You are worthy of love. You are valued and you are loved.

Just get your ass to therapy.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > He’s 35.
> ...


I don’t know how to answer this... Maybe it’s just when he can’t finish from anything I’m doing. I don’t make rules about how he finishes or anything. We have oral sex, handjobs...even mutual masturbation sometimes. Sometimes he just asks to manually finish somewhere on my body. All that is fine with me and fun. But if we were having sex or I was performing oral or whatever and he stopped and said “I can’t” that’s when I feel upset. Like I did something wrong or I don’t feel good to him. Like my one job is to get him there and I failed.

When it’s not happening (like right this minute) I know it’s not personal. I know it’s normal. I know it’s not a big deal....but when it actually happens the first thought that pops in my head is that it’s somehow my fault. 

It’s really not something that’s a huge problem. Like I said, it happens very rarely and we’ve both talked about changing how we react when it does happen. I really only brought it up in this thread because I realized that I was being hypocritical.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

FeministInPink said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, bigger than just sex. I’ve gotten better through the years but I still have to calm myself down sometimes. I think it stems from being treated badly by family members through my teen years. Feeling very unloved and left out. I married young at 19 years old and then my husband had some problems with lying for the first few years (he was young too). I think the combination of everything has just made me very insecure.
> ...


Lol. Thanks. I was going to go last year but I had some health problems and needed surgery so things got pushed back. I’ll check into it again Monday.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

LeananSidhe said:


> I don’t know how to answer this... Maybe it’s just when he can’t finish from anything I’m doing. I don’t make rules about how he finishes or anything. We have oral sex, handjobs...even mutual masturbation sometimes. Sometimes he just asks to manually finish somewhere on my body. All that is fine with me and fun. But if we were having sex or I was performing oral or whatever and he stopped and said “I can’t” that’s when I feel upset. Like I did something wrong or I don’t feel good to him. Like my one job is to get him there and I failed.
> 
> When it’s not happening (like right this minute) I know it’s not personal. I know it’s normal. I know it’s not a big deal....but when it actually happens the first thought that pops in my head is that it’s somehow my fault.
> 
> It’s really not something that’s a huge problem. Like I said, it happens very rarely and we’ve both talked about changing how we react when it does happen. I really only brought it up in this thread because I realized that I was being hypocritical.


Just wait until he should be turned into Soilent Green.

It happens to me quite often nowadays. I can't keep up with Mary. But I really do enjoy trying.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I don’t know how to answer this... Maybe it’s just when he can’t finish from anything I’m doing. I don’t make rules about how he finishes or anything. We have oral sex, handjobs...even mutual masturbation sometimes. Sometimes he just asks to manually finish somewhere on my body. All that is fine with me and fun. But if we were having sex or I was performing oral or whatever and he stopped and said “I can’t” that’s when I feel upset. Like I did something wrong or I don’t feel good to him. Like my one job is to get him there and I failed.
> 
> When it’s not happening (like right this minute) I know it’s not personal. I know it’s normal. I know it’s not a big deal....but when it actually happens the first thought that pops in my head is that it’s somehow my fault.
> 
> It’s really not something that’s a huge problem. Like I said, it happens very rarely and we’ve both talked about changing how we react when it does happen. I really only brought it up in this thread because I realized that I was being hypocritical.



I’m sure it’s to do with the fact that you had sex 15 times in the last 4 days ( or whatever the latest record). Has it ever happened when he hasn’t had an ejaculation for a week? 
I don’t think you have an issue to be honest (not his ejaculate anyway). If you feel you need sex more often than him then just let him have sex with you, without him ejaculating. Apparently that extends a man’s life span...according to some ancient wisdom bull****e.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I don’t know how to answer this... Maybe it’s just when he can’t finish from anything I’m doing. I don’t make rules about how he finishes or anything. We have oral sex, handjobs...even mutual masturbation sometimes. Sometimes he just asks to manually finish somewhere on my body. All that is fine with me and fun. But if we were having sex or I was performing oral or whatever and he stopped and said “I can’t” that’s when I feel upset. Like I did something wrong or I don’t feel good to him. Like my one job is to get him there and I failed.
> ...


It hasn’t even happened since we’ve been having sex so much. The last time it happened was 2/4 (I only remember because of the super bowl lol). It was the first day that I could have sex after my period so we hadn’t had sex in about 7 days (I did perform oral on him 2 of those days). So strangely enough, the having sex so much hasn’t effected anything (so far) and he’s finished every time. I’m losing count but we’ve had sex everyday since 2/6 except for 2 of those days and some days have been twice. I think we might be playing chicken to see who begs for a break first.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

When I die, I want to come back to life as your husband!


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Holdingontoit said:


> When I die, I want to come back to life as your husband!


Ha! Thanks. I’m pretty lucky too though. He’s great.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> When I die, I want to come back to life as your husband!


I wanted to get to the point quicker and signed up for coming back as a sybian. Fingers crossed! :nerd:


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

LeananSidhe said:


> I see a lot of resentment and anger about LD spouses. I understand it and I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind.
> 
> I’m just wondering if it’s the actual lack of sex that causes it or the feelings of being unloved and unwanted...?
> 
> ...


when my wife was refusing sex for all but that day or two every month when she got horny, i resented her. mainly because she didnt give a crap about how i was feeling and was only interested in doing things that made her feel good. 

later on, after our whole dynamic changed and she changed, it didnt bother me at all when we didnt have sex. my wife would do whatever she could to make sure i was happy, and she was not doing it with that "duty sex" attitude that makes every man cringe. she was enthusiastic about it.

to me, seeing the effort is the emotionally fulfilling part of it.


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