# Don't you need an emotional connection to have sex?



## monique (Mar 17, 2014)

I ask this because, though, I've been married 13 years, my husband talks to me about the tritest crap, but there is no connection emotionally between us. when i try to share feelings he says "arg! you talk too much!" when I ask him about how he feels about something (that I know MUST bother him) he responds, "this is none of your business, Just keep to your simple blonde things"

We have a wonderful 12 year old son that we both adore. I try to be very honest with him about how relationships should work (not like ours) so he has a better concept of what to expect. When I try to talk to my husband about something he always throws the "Oh, you think you are so perfect! or Look how you look down on everythign I say or do" Let me tell you, I feel none of those things he says apply to me. I would never have those things cross my mind. I just want a simple resolution and understanding. Or the "You can never be wrong, you always have to have your way" Trust me, again, I NEVER have to have things my way, i just want people to get along and come to a solution. 

My question is, how do I deal with this type of behavior? After an argument, I generally give up, then move on. Being pleasant and fulfilling my role as a mother (not so much wife, since husband feels such disdain for me) and do whatever it takes to make the household happy and pleasant. My husband then thinks "ah ha!she's being nice, which means I may be able to get some sexualy activity out of her, including some porn sex!" Which, of course, I have no interest in, especially since he let me know I disgust him and Im just a ****ing idiot who talks too much. But, he did ask me to be nice, which i find pretty easy to do. Don't talk too much, go on my happy way during the day running errand and taking care of the house and keeping my distance from the person I seem to be making miserable. Well, eventually, he warms up to me and thinks we should have sex. I'm pretty much "No thank you". I'm just here to make things pleasant for our child and give him a safe, healthy upbringing by keeping communication open. 

so, once again... any suggestions? how do you deal with some one who is so compative and places blame on everything you do, even when you are desperately trying to figure out how to asuage situations? of course, he never admits anything he does causes wrong or misinterpretation. I'm blue in the face from apologizing. he says he's the way he is and shouldn't have to change. (he talks about nothing but superficial crap: youtube, stupid instagram pics, porn, etc and think feelings are a waste of time. And for your information, since I have so little conversation in my home, I often wear ear buds and listen to NPR or fun books to keep my mind stimulated, which then often gets me in trouble because once ever couple of hours my husband might come into a room and ask me a question, then nag me for wear headphones because i can't talk to him, though he's actually not talking. make sense? feel what I'm dealing with?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

monique said:


> I ask this because, though, I've been married 13 years, my husband talks to me about the tritest crap, but there is no connection emotionally between us. when i try to share feelings he says "arg! you talk too much!" when I ask him about how he feels about something (that I know MUST bother him) he responds, "this is none of your business, Just keep to your simple blonde things"
> 
> We have a wonderful 12 year old son that we both adore. I try to be very honest with him about how relationships should work (not like ours) so he has a better concept of what to expect. When I try to talk to my husband about something he always throws the "Oh, you think you are so perfect! or Look how you look down on everythign I say or do" Let me tell you, I feel none of those things he says apply to me. I would never have those things cross my mind. I just want a simple resolution and understanding. Or the "You can never be wrong, you always have to have your way" Trust me, again, I NEVER have to have things my way, i just want people to get along and come to a solution.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't. My question is why do you stay and live like this?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You ought to divorce.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Its a two way street.... at year 17 my wife announced I turned off emotions for you as part of her ILYNILWY speech.

Your situation sounds similar to mine apart from being the jerk part.
But my wife too holds onto statements I may have said out of frustration like "Sex with you is not good when you sometimes just lay there and we have it so infrequently" oh boy she help onto that as me saying she was "You say I'm bad at sex so why bother" for years every serious discussion that one gets brought out.

I have also heard from her mom we don't talk enough, other side you want more talk get me happy sexually.

all this = sexless marriage

Also you probably don't show much interest in him either as a person, so he only talks superficial with you. You trained him in a way to behave this way. Lots of times I want to say something to my wife but i don't because its not worth the frustration of her not being very interested or being too busy to listen..it wastes my time. I intentionally pay attention to her (even if her stuff is not interesting).... she often in the past would be uninterested in what I was telling her. My story was less important than hers... see the issue? You want him to talk to you but what environment have you created for him to do so?

Pretty much you both created this lame dynamic. I can tell you that by withholding sex you are really eliminating any chance of recovering to a life you want...sex is a key ingredient for men and frankly as long as you are married you should never use it as a weapon to get what you need. Conversely he needs to know sex is nothing and builds resentment in you without feeling closer to him and for that you need more from him.

Your son needs to learn how to be a good husband its imperative you work your marriage and show him what it takes in a marriage and that bad marriages can fail. Otherwise he will follow in your husbands footprint.

I would have a heart to heart conversation and put it all on the line let him know you are unhappy and also let him know that you realize you are causing him and the marriage harm by withholding sex from him and you are tired playing the tit for tat game. Tell him if it doesn't get resolved that we need to split up as we are not working together as spouses. Then tell him what you are missing from him and basically make a deal to go forward together or split. Give him several months.

People only change when they WANT TO or HAVE TO.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I could buy an emotional connection with a woman for about $40 pretty much anywhere in the world. In much of the world, husbands and wives don't even pick each other and their marriages typically last longer than our's. Even in the Western world, this marriage for love notion is really a relatively new concept and one that has proven to be far more fragile than the less romantic marriages that preceded them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, no wonder you don't want to fvck him. You don't feel like he respects your or cares about your feelings. There is nothing that kills a libido faster than that sort of feeling/behavior/dynamic. 

Especially when you feel like the only time he wants to get at you is when he wants some. Makes you feel like a piece of meat. Not fun or romantic at all.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.Tell him how it is effecting you sexually. Telling you want Xyz in order to feel sexy/want it with him. Stop apologizing for everything in order to make him feel better. Just don't. 

As a woman, I absolutely need an emotional connection in an LTR if I still want to keep sleeping with a man. Otherwise, what's the point? It's the GLUE. Otherwise, one night stands would be better.

Lack of respect = resentment = sexual desire majorly waning/dies = horrible way to live.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Speaking as a man and in direct answer to the question; no.
I do not need an emotional connection.

But, and this is a BIG 'but' - having an emotional connection to the person makes it 1000x better!

No connection simply makes it mechanical...getting your rocks off.

Sex with someone you love is fantastic because you are making love to them both physically and mentally. Doesn't get better than that.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Do you need an emotional connection to have sex? Absolutely not.

You're situation is completely different though: your husband is disrespectful to you, which isn't really an absence of emotional connection, it's shutting down due to disrespectful behavior.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

This is emotional and verbal abuse. Please do yourself a favour and get some books about emotional abuse. You are walking on eggshells, keeping a low profile, stressing out trying to please him, typical abuse victim behavior. Start reading everything you can about the subject. 

Verbal abusers are notorious for telling their victims how they feel ie. putting words/motives in their victims mouths that aren't even there. 

Abusive people are never 'wrong', they place all the blame on their victims, in very covert, manipulative ways. 

His behavior is unacceptable and a very bad example for your son.


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## DJBIGTONE (Mar 17, 2014)

im in the same situation my wife just lays there and show no emotion during sex. never initiates it and holds out to the tune of once a month we only been married 4 months and she promised to try harder to please me but its getting worse. I never had any problem satisfying any other woman in my 49 year old life. im ready to give in and have an affair just to see if I still got it with another woman. do anyone have some advice before I resort to this desperate need of affection.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

DJBIGTONE said:


> im in the same situation my wife just lays there and show no emotion during sex. never initiates it and holds out to the tune of once a month we only been married 4 months and she promised to try harder to please me but its getting worse. I never had any problem satisfying any other woman in my 49 year old life. im ready to give in and have an affair just to see if I still got it with another woman. do anyone have some advice before I resort to this desperate need of affection.


Start a thread in the Sex in Marriage section and give a complete story of your relationship. That's the best way to get help. Good luck.


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## Godot (Feb 21, 2014)

P51Geo1980 said:


> Do you need an emotional connection to have sex? Absolutely not.
> 
> You're situation is completely different though: your husband is disrespectful to you, which isn't really an absence of emotional connection, it's shutting down due to disrespectful behavior.



I agree. When I left my XH, I hadn't slept with him in 8 months, and just couldn't bear to. He was verbally abusive, and the only way I could even help him to masturbate was to strip for him. I didn't want him to touch me, and i never gained back a single shed of desire for him. He disgusts me still, 10 years since our divorce. Verbal abuse is insidious, and unless he sees there is a problem and makes a complete turn around, there is no point in being with him, unless it is for financial reasons. You aren't doing the kids any favors, with him as an example.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Some may not need an emotional connection for sex but I am not one of those people....the pleasure bang is always fun.. but afterwards , no "basking in the aftergow" / no tender affection.... It would suck something from my spirit ...I would find it hollow and ever be reaching for MORE...I need that with my lover for personal fulfillment.... I would feel wholly pushed aside & demeaned, and ANGRY as hell ...if I was treated the way you are by your husband... 

You can not "assuage" a man like this....from your words..he appears a Disrespectful Blame shifting aloof man who just wants to get off ...then go his selfish way ...it's ugly behavior...and it's not marriage sustaining... at least not in a happy way... you sound like a very giving woman...you deserve so much better. 

Verbal Abuse: Is Your Relationship Verbally Abusive?



> *Below are some common signs of verbal abuse:*
> 
> *Being called names by your spouse*. Any negative form of name calling is unacceptable. If you feel that it is a put down, then it most likely is. There are names that are obvious and, without question abusive. Then there are the covert, veiled attempts to put a spouse down that are harder to identify. Verbal abusers love to use constructive criticism to beat a spouse down. If your spouse is constantly criticizing you, “for your own good,” be careful. This is the most insidious form of verbal abuse.
> 
> ...


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Lack of respect = resentment = sexual desire majorly waning/dies = horrible way to live.


This is a golden rule. 

Perhaps one of the worst side-effects of signing a contract to love someone forever, is the implication that one no longer needs to negotiate or seek agreement, in other words, one needn't propose things respectfully anymore - requests become demands.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sandfly said:


> This is a golden rule.
> 
> Perhaps one of the worst side-effects of signing a contract to love someone forever, is the implication that one no longer needs to negotiate or seek agreement, in other words, one needn't propose things respectfully anymore - requests become demands.


This is so elegant. :smthumbup:


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