# What's the point?



## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

Honestly...I'm so done with life. I don't see the point with going on living. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because it would hurt my mom and people close to me too much and I couldn't do that to them. Hence I'm still alive suffering.

I just don't see what is worth living for anymore. I'm jobless. My husband cheated on me with a coworker and is divorcing me. The divorce is finalized in October. He's military by the way.

During the marriage he verbally and emotionally abused me and I kick myself everyday for having allowed that **** to go on at all. It was 4 years of abuse. What the **** was I thinking??? I beat myself up everyday for it and I have had my former therapist as well as my best friend and my mom all say I should have known better. That I was foolish and naive and that how could I allow a man to treat me like that?

This judgement, pointing of the finger and condemnation is making me feel worse and worse. I just don't know why I put up with it. I was soo dumb and I must be really pathetic if all I wanted was love from a **** like him?

He also stole from the military store (sigh) and when I caught him he stopped but apparently he continued to steal but just wouldn't tell me. 

He also was watching child porn unbeknown to me. I reported him to the Navy once I learned of this. I reported him for both the cheating and the child porn. The stealing he was too crafty for me to have any viable proof. 

Needless to say he is getting kicked out supposedly today. But that also means I loose all my medical, dental and therapy benefits. 

I knew this was going to happen in October (that's when divorce is finalized) so I figured I had time to get a back up plan in motion for these things. But I was told my benefits end today. So thus I'm royally mind ****ed. 

I can say this Dental is taken care of basically. I have one or two things I still need to do but their not pressing (wisdom teeth and braces). I can do those later on when I'm working and can pay for it.

The things that are the problem is the medical and therapy. I need to see therapist now...I'm having suicidal thoughts but I have no plans to off myself at all. Just feel lifeless, empty and hopeless. I'm deep in despair or I guess you could say depression. 

I've called all my resources I can think of to get some help. I called his command. I called the fleet and family support center. I've called old therapist, called Tri West (Healthcare), called Deers, called Military One Source. I even tried calling some random therapists in my local area. Nobody can help me unless I have money which I don't.

I have no job and I can't even go to school because I can't afford it. My emotions are very shaky right now and I'm thinking of just drowning in a bottle of tequila or rum right now. Not to die just guess I'll be an alcoholic because really nobody is helping me or caring. 

Even friends can't help they have their own lives. My mom doesn't understand at all. She keeps up this speech of your fine...your better off without him and while that may be true I know I am better off without him...

Still I loved him. For better or for nay. I loved him. And I feel like I lost the love of my life even if he was the worst person for me to be with and was abusive among other things. And I will never get back with him and nor would I have stayed with him...

I just feel so empty. Shopping for things has no meaning for me. Watching movies...playing video games...it all means nothing to me. 

I try to read, I try to use my coping skills but it just feels like nothing means anything to me anymore. Like I'm dead already and my body is just walking around.

I don't feel numb quite the contrary I feel everything. My emotions are a high spike right now and I feel like I'm in a whirlwind that I can't escape.

Is this how depression/broken heartedness feels like? 

I know how depression feels like...I felt it when my dad passed away in 2008. But this feels different. It feels like being a whirlwind of emotions and I feel like there is no real meaning or purpose to my life.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I am truly sorry for your pain and have pondered your question myself. The reasons I came up with going forward are; tomorrow is always a new day, never give in to the bad people and life is so short to begin with there is no need to rush to the finish line. It is over before we know it.

Please take care of yourself...


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

hey don't think that way. i know most people are gonna sound like a public service announcement telling you not to do it, but you have to realize that you are a precious person. i got cheated on myself and felt like **** because my whole world revolved arounfd her. i didn't realize that i needed to make a life of my own to see how valuable i really am. you're in a rut right now and it feels like the end of the world. believe me i know. i was always socially awkward and didn't have many friends except my girlfriend. i thought my life was a big piece of **** with nothing to live for also. lokk at me now. i've made new friends, work-out, and eventually landed an o.k. job. i'm planning on going to school soon to better my chances out there. it took me about 2 years to get where i'm at. it's not easy. there's gonna be bumps in the road, but you can come back from this. believe me. you can.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Easy girl, think about all the exciting an new things you haven't experienced.
This is going to get better, trust me. when I found out about the 20 men my cheating wife slept with over the last 13 years of marriage. it also tore me up, but I'm getting through this and i will not let weak and stupid peolpe define who I am.

It will get better, I have been through infidelity and it is tough but the good news is he is helping you to move on to better things.

soon you will think of it as a favor, and when you are out exploring a new life you will thank him.

Trust me I have been through it and I will not give my cheating wife the saticfaction of beating me.

The best revenge is the smile I have on my face and the confidence that I can move on and better my self....no longer letting someone bring the worste out in me.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

by the way. your kinda cute. why do you keep hiding your face?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Tomorrow is a new day, when your at the bottom the only place to go is up.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I am a father of two grown, young daughters and for me your story is utterly heart breaking.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Things may be bleak today, but who knows what manana will bring---the sun will come up, you just have to, keep trying

You are just out of this long period of everything your h., has put you thru----the farther away from it you get, the better it will become

Are there no other relatives, good friends in other parts of the country, that you could go to, to help you start a new life

You may be in an area that doesn't offer a lot of resources, and help----maybe a different larger area, will have more to offer------you just gotta keep on fighting


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

moonshade: Drinking is NOT going to help you. Alcohol is a depressant, it will make it worse. If you have a drinking problem, the biggest favor you can do for yourself is AA. There you will get the support you need from people who completely, I mean completely, understand. You will never, ever be alone again. You will be keeping the focus on yourself with the help of people that really care.

Or if you don't have a problem with alcohol, get into IC. There are sliding scale options and free group therapy.

You CAN go back to school. Plenty of grants out there to help you. You just need to start the footwork.

You can do this and move on with your life.

Don't bother with killing yourself, you are robbing yourself of a happy life by not giving yourself a chance. Go through the pain (we all have on this sight or we are in the middle of it), you will grow and learn about yourself and what makes you tick. I contemplated driving into a truck (but thought about hurting the other innocent person driving the truck) then a canal. But you know, the person that I was in pain about was not worth my life; dead of alive.

I am going to live and you ought to decide that you are worth more than what you are saying at this point.

Think of his character. There is alot of nastiness in his character, truthfully. What if you had children, wouldn't you be wondering? You have no trust in this person, yet you would end your life over this unworthy person?

Get help. Keep sharing, get a support group, IC and start your path to recovery. YOU CAN DO THIS!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When I felt like that I had a lot of anger I needed to get out, physically. I used a shovel inside an old wooden garage and banged and yelled away. We are very rural so no harm done.

After that I started doing things that required moments of complete concentration, such as archery, ballroom dance, indoor rock climbing...

If there is a community center or Y near where you live, try to volunteer so you can get out. 

When the therapist and your mom and whomever else tell you that you should have known better and ask you how you could have allowed that, thank them for their insight and tell them you aren't going to accept their assessment of where YOU should have been at that stage of your life, and that you aren't going to accept THEIR criticism, because it is unhelpful and therefore abusive, like kicking you when you're down. If they want to help, they need to be forward thinking. 

Right, like I believe these people giving you hind-sight advice and blaming you were never in the same predicament, ever. Sounds to me like they're hiding something and aren't being honest with themselves. The way they're treating you it sounds like they are afraid to get close to your pain, kind of like it's too close to home. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I were you, I'd dig a little deeper into that, maybe ask them for examples of how they could see something like that coming and what they did about it... they can't be that clueless. It's good you can't afford therapy. With a therapist like that. 

Dust yourself off. Some people are mean. If you stay on the ground, other people will kick you. The fact that this happened to you tells me that you are a good, trusting, optimistic, helpful, person. You gave your H a lot of chances. You were willing to go the distance for him, despite knowing that he had obvious challenges you loved him and were patient. He did not want to accept all of that, he resented you for being you and because he knew that he was transparent to you. Your helpfulness and caring exposed him and he couldn't stand it, he lost control of the situation and moved on to a new person he could start a whole new cycle with, someone who doesn't see the real him because he doesn't want to see it either.

When people treat you badly, try to understand it is not because you are a bad person, it is because by accepting their abuse or mistreatment and still being kind to them, you become a mirror, and they don't like what they see.

Find people who are more aware of themselves. You can usually tell by body positioning and movement who these people are, they are relaxed, they smile, they are open but they also maintain a steady personal body space. They don't mumble and they look at you when they're talking to you, even over the most trivial matter. They might introduce you to other people or share their interests with you just out of interest, not for any underlying purpose. Spend more time with these kinds of people.

In case you're wondering, yes, therapist, your close family and your H can all be negative people to be around. Don't think because it's all numbers and you're the odd one out that something is definitely wrong with you. Close relationships including therapist are most difficult...spend time with people who are further away from you personally. Your perspective of life and living might shift a bit.


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

Thanks for all the insight and advice. I'll admit I cheered up for a few days but then today I just found out I have no car insurance because he just took me off. I also have a serious bacterial infection and went to the doctor today only to be turned away because I have no health insurance anymore. Needless to say I was having intense waves of suicidal thoughts. My thoughts were spinning out and I was doing the "what ifs" thing.

After reading you responses...I'm not going to do anything. I won't end it all just because of one human being. I'm just having a really really hard time coping with all of this. 

I've decided its not so much him that I miss...I feel like I lost everything. I lost my life as a Navy wife, lost my job, lost medical benefits, therapy (though that therapist was a terrible one), and I lost that feeling of independence. Now I'm dependent on my mother for support and she is barely scraping by.

Its frustrating, lonely and I miss my dad more than ever now. 

And thanks Homemaker-Numero_Uno your suggestions means a lot and your viewpoints. I didn't consider that maybe the reason my mom is criticizing how I should have known better could point at her past perhaps.

I know she was never happy in her marriage and I remember seeing my parents fight when I was kid all the time. It was painful to watch and I remember crying in my room a lot, wishing they would stop arguing. It wasn't just arguing though, my dad use to throw things and my mom would scream so loud it hurt the ears. They never hit each other but there was definitely unhealthy arguing.

@ justsam Thanks very much. I guess I was just shy to show my face. Made me smile at your comment it was sweet. 


@Sparkles 422 I agree drinking shouldn't be a solution...I just really need to get on anti-depression meds I think but since I can't afford that I'm in a bind. I've tried free mental health clinics but they all charge and I have no money. Its just frustrating. I guess I just want to kill the emotional pain because at least that's better than these suicidal thoughts.

I know its not something I would ever consider normally nor want to do. I just don't know what else to do. I'll look into AA meetings maybe I might need it or can get direction on where to go idk.

@ morituri I concur. 

@ the guy - My god that's gross of her! And to do that to you is just disgusting. I don't get why people get married if all they want is to sleep around then why marry? At least do people a favor of not committing when obviously people like her can't commit. I'm sorry to hear. I discovered about a few more girls my ex was sleeping with just recently...

I feel like the core of my being has been "raped" or at least "robbed" of all that intimate vital essence that I only allowed him to see. I feel angry now at my ex instead of wanting to off myself. 

I hope one day I can get to the place where I can say I appreciate the learning experience but for now I just keep hoping I'll make it to the next day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

moonshadegold said:


> I feel like the core of my being has been "raped" or at least "robbed" of all that intimate vital essence that I only allowed him to see. I feel angry now at my ex instead of wanting to off myself.


Don't ever define yourself by your relationships or by a partner. 

It will take time to get over the heartbreak and reality of what you are going through.

Get out in the sunlight, find a hobby, meet up with good friends, go to a store and when the salesperson asks how you are doing today start laughing maniacally. It will throw them for a loop and give you a good/and funny laugh.

Smile. 

Life is what you make it. So make yours awesome.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I haven't been on here for a little bit, but I had to chime in. Moon, you are a special person. All of us here have been utterly devastated by the act of infidelity in some way or another. What you have to remember is that you were your own person before meeting this moron. You became dependent on him, and on his false love for you. Now, you need to pick-up the pieces and start living for YOU. This is probably going to be the toughest fight you will EVER endure, but with time and patience you'll see it through. This is not going to fix itself tommorrow, next month, next year, or even a few years from now. This is going to be a _constant_ rebuilding process, which will ultimately make you a better person. I know it sounds like a bunch of BS, but its true. You seem like a very smart girl because you realized something that I myself didn't till I read your post.



> I guess I just want to kill the emotional pain.


This quote hit me to the core. It resonates with me, and it _always_ will. The funny thing is that we have no control over this total human feeling. Don't we all wish we could just flick a switch, and all the pain would just go away. It just doesnt work that way, though. You'll make girlfriend. 

By the way, Sam wasn't kidding- you_ are _a cutie. 

What a total *********.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I'm just going to quote myself from sexuallyfrustrateds thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/28339-sometime-life-sucks.html#post372120



Forsaken said:


> I know the feeling... I've never understood how someone could just end it all until this all happened. A few months back my wife went against my wishes and took a job that I didn't want her to take because we would never get to see each other and I wanted so bad to work on our relationship and I didn't understand how she could put that above our relationship when she knew that what I needed at the time was her by my side to work it out.
> 
> Needless to say I had a lot of lonely nights for a long time. I started to drink a bit more than usual and my thoughts would run wild all the time because all I had was my thoughts. I would have anxiety attacks quite frequently, sometimes multiple a day so I would take my Xanax. One night I was in a really bad place and couldn't see a reason to carry on.
> 
> ...


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Your life has totally changed very quickly and that is overwhelming. I, too, have had that despair. I've had a cold hard metallic taste on the roof of my mouth. The effect on my kids was what made me never even touch the trigger. Something I read on here, I believe, helped me tremendously.

Do something that you have always wanted to do. Be a little crazy. I forgot the exact things they said. Start a completely new life. Leave the past behind. Once you get to that point of total, utter, complete despair, just start over. I don't know what you like to do, but surely there is something. I agree with the other poster. You are cute. I'm sure there are plenty of guys around ready and willing to take you out and have a good time. 

Post on here. My advice is usually worth exactly what you pay for it, nothing. However, there are many wise people here. Most, if not all of us, have been through infidelity. Some of us have had those horrible thoughts. There should be a suicide prevention hotline where you live. Write the number down and carry it with you at all times. I did. 

The sun will come up tomorrow. Maybe you can get up early (or party all night) and watch the sunrise. Watch a sunset. Anyway, sorry to ramble. I hate it for you that you are having those thoughts. I understand. I hope you feel better soon.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Shouldn't he have been arrested for child porn?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I hope you're feeling a lot better today Moonshade, or at least some what better. You may feel like you don't have anyone right now and you might feel alone, but we're all here for you. Vent, let it all out, you will feel a lot better if you talk about it all. Some times just writing about it on here makes me feel a bit better.

If you're ever feeling down visit this page: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/23016-inspiration.html


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

Thank you all for the support and suggestions. 

@ Jellybean - Its hard not to let it define me. I'm trying to separate the scar tissue from the marriage and my now single life. Its definitely a process...and one I'm sure that's going to take some working on.

@ ahhhmaaaan! - Yea it sucks that I can't just flip a switch. I will admit though that I'm not emotionally connected to my ex anymore. I hold no illusions anymore about him. I'm seeing this more as a learning experience now. 

I know what I like and what's good for me. And I definitely know that I'm doing things now that I never did in the marriage. My ex held me back from sooo many things.

He never let me club etc. I club now, I got my upper ear pierced for the hell of it, I tried a cigar lolol, cut my hair and highlighted it, I'm wearing sexier clothing than I ever use to. My ex had a thing about sexy clothing in public. He always called me "Miss Independent" during arguments...I always thought that was a lame accusation and I never did understand why he was saying it.

"Interdependent" in relationships are good! So whenever he accused me of this...I thought he has some kind of a problem...and it has nothing to do with me.

@ hurtingintn Yea I did something crazy alright...I drove into playing Dungeon And Dragons LOLOLOLOLOL!!! My group of friends do that game...its funny because they dubbed me instead of a geek...I'm now apparently a NERD. Oh lovely! lol I follow your meaning. There is a lot of things I have never done. 

Snowboarding sounds fun. Getting a tattoo...at least one. A few more things like strangely and I never considered this...I was thinking about a motorcycle but then I thought about that jeep I want and said okay time to plan for it. 

I always wanted to go to Vegas and looks like I may be going in a month or two. Not sure yet. I do feel excited about doing things I haven't ever done...well nothing illegal mind you but ah yea lol.

@ ClipClop I agree completely but that is up to NCIS to determine that. Its no longer in my hands and also my ex just got kicked out of the Navy so I have no idea. 

@Forsaken I am indeed. I still struggle but I am having less and less bad days so to speak. ^ ^


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

moonshadegold said:


> I was thinking about a motorcycle but then I thought about that jeep I want and said okay time to plan for it.
> 
> I always wanted to go to Vegas and looks like I may be going in a month or two.


Cool! I'm glad you seem to be doing better. I got my motorcycle license recently. I just turned 41 and had never even been on one. It is very fun. I don't own one yet, but have one I can borrow pretty much anytime I get a chance to ride. I highly recommend it.

Vegas is pretty fun, also. I've had a few trips there as well. I went to Tunica, MS over the weekend. There are several casinos there. I practiced my blackjack card counting skills that have been laying dormant for a decade or so. It's like riding a bike. I was rusty, but it came back quickly. It's nice trading red for purple!


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

Well I was doing better. I hit another bump this time with living arrangements. My mom is driving me literally nuts. We just had a bad argument this past Monday (08-01-2011). I don't know why but I got overly mad and screamed at her. I ended up throwing a water bottle at my closet door. This is not usual behavior for me. 

I scared myself and my mom threatened to call the cops on me but the water bottle was no where near her.

I know this is probably to do with all the repressed rage at my ex. Also my mom and I have had issues for a long time but I guess I just didn't realize how much I repressed the anger.

I was so determined to put everything behind me but the anger was consuming me from the inside. 

Is this an improvement from the depressed mood and crying. I don't know all I know is that it feels really good to let loose.

My question now is how do I deal with this rage? I mean I actually don't know what to do with myself when I feel it coming on. I don't wanna hurt anyone or myself or do something stupid. So I guess I need an outlet and some ideas of how to cope with this.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Moon, as you may have notice from Forsaken you are not the only one who has had these feelings. I too have said life sucks (hence the thread he speaks of). My husband of 8yrs (been together 18) has been having and affair (EA/PA/EA) for 5yrs. We have two kids and I was a stay at home mother until recently. I just made him leave last night because he went over there again and lie to my face when I ask. I have more bills then money and I don't have a clue what I am going to do BUT as long as I have life, anothe day to do better, be better and make it better then I will be ok.
You are young, you didn't say but I assume no kids and from what I can tell a very attractive and smart young lady. Your situaion is different but our pains are the same. To make matters worse I fear that because my cheating husband has health issuse (and can still cheat go figure) that if divorced i would have to supply him with health care coverage and help support him financially. THAT SH*T SUCKS!!.
Sweetheart this is you chance. I know you can't see it know but this is your chance to have what you want in life. Maybe this was Gods way of getting the trash out of the way for the better things in life that you are to recieve. I know it's a hard pill to swallow and that you can not see the forrest from the trees but I tell you that there are blessings all around you and you are to good for the pain he has caused you for far to long. Start by loving yourself so much to you start to annoy you...lol. Get a job any money at this point would go toward your independence. My sister went througha divorce last yr and she took some pills. Thank GOD nothing happened but I can tell you this Moon, she is doing so well now. I mean I am so very proud of her she is living and guess what the ass whole keeps calling her and wanting her and she keeps right on going without him. She showed me there is life after and she was married 18yrs. 
YOU ARE MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW! Take the time to find out just how much.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I haven't really been angry, but the times where I have been frustrated or irritated, I've just sat at my computer for a while and played Call of Duty Black Ops. Its great therapy for me lol, any game is really.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

moonshadegold said:


> My question now is how do I deal with this rage? I mean I actually don't know what to do with myself when I feel it coming on. I don't wanna hurt anyone or myself or do something stupid. So I guess I need an outlet and some ideas of how to cope with this.


I, too, have struggled with this. It seems to come on like a freight train at times. For me, working out is a great outlet. I can lift much more with the rage than without it. When you feel that coming on, do some vigorous exercise. A counsellor would be a good idea, also, to get to the root of the problem and get the rage out of you long term. (I need to do that also.) But for the short term, when it hits hard, exercise is the best thing I have found.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I, too, have struggled with this. It seems to come on like a freight train at times. For me, working out is a great outlet. I can lift much more with the rage than without it. When you feel that coming on, do some vigorous exercise. A counsellor would be a good idea, also, to get to the root of the problem and get the rage out of you long term. (I need to do that also.) But for the short term, when it hits hard, exercise is the best thing I have found.


 Your right about that HT. I usually play tennis or hit the gym. Now since I have had my gun for abouttwo yrs and never used it I am going to start going to go to the rang. I have always loved the idea of being an percison shooter. I think it would help me....


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