# Wife drinks too much.Addiction or it's just me?



## Mishy

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions on this matter.

Since I started exercizing and taking better care of myself (after reading No More Mr Nice Guy) I began to notice how much my wife drinks. She has a passion for food and wine but it seems to me that the amount daily alcohol she drinks is excessive. 
She drinks before going to work (wine or a vodka drink) and when she comes back. The amount of alcohol is about 2 drinks before and about 2 drinks after work. Sometimes more (never less). On top of that she works in a restaurant and sometimes (i don't know when this happens unless I ask) she has a glass or two of wine before coming home too.
I noticed that she has been drinking no-stop (= no more than 24 hours without alcohol) for a few weeks now.

The strange thing is that she is never drunk, she has high alcohol tolerance I assume.

I don't drink as much. I like to have a glass of wine or a beer over dinner but that's it. Most of the time I don't drink for days. Most of my drinking is on weekend (2-5 drinks) and/or on social occasions.Sometimes she offers me a drink and I refuse and she looks at me disapprovingly.

I am worried about my wife because she has high blood pressure and she is under medication. Also I don't want her to become addicted.

How can I bring up the subject? 

Am I right to be worried or I am just exaggerating things?


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## Mavash.

Functional Alcoholic - Are You a Functional Alcoholic


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## Mishy

Hi Mavash.

thank you for the link. 
Unfortunately I recognise some of the signs. So she may well be on the path to be a functional alcoholic.
This may also answer to some problems we had/have.

My question is what do I do now?


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## Mavash.

Have you looked into Alanon? I'm sure they have advice on how to deal with it. My dad and my MIL were functioning alcoholics. My MIL quit when she got cancer. My father on the other hand kept going and is now a full blown drunk. He no longer functions. He got fired from his job and does nothing but drink all day. Sad really. He's 71.


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## Mishy

Mavash. said:


> Have you looked into Alanon? I'm sure they have advice on how to deal with it. My dad and my MIL were functioning alcoholics. My MIL quit when she got cancer. My father on the other hand kept going and is now a full blown drunk. He no longer functions. He got fired from his job and does nothing but drink all day. Sad really. He's 71.


I just looked and there is a group close to where I live.

Should I confront/tell her or keep the thing secret and go to the meeting?

How did you deal with your dad an MIL?Sorry to hear they are/have been functioning alcoholics  .

I am worried big time now.


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## FirstYearDown

I think a confrontation about her drinking is in order. 

Drinking before work shows that she needs alcohol to function normally. That is an addiction red flag.


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## Mavash.

I am estranged from my dad and I was never close to my mil. Their drinking wasn't my problem. When I was a helpless kid sure but like he would have ever listened to me. 

Go to a meeting and see what they say before you confront.


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## PBear

I think going to a meeting first is a good idea as well. In the same way as people in here counsel spouses who have been cheated on to set things up properly, you should talk to some people who have been in your situation before.

To me, the drinking before work is also a big red warning flag.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mishy

I haven't gone to Al-Anon yet.

I talked to her and said that I am worried about her drinking, especially because she's on blood pressure medication. I also asked if there is a problem at work and if this is why she drinks before going in. She said that there is no problem at work and that she drinks because she likes it.
I asked her to slow down the drinking and she said she will but will not quit.

She didn't drink today before going to work. Let's see if it lasts.


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## donewithit

I am a recoverring alcoholic.

I used to have a drink before work (11am) then i continued unbeknownst to my hubby..while i was at work (own restaurant)

I would also drink when i got home. my choice was wine. I would hide the empty bottles hoping he would not find them before i got the chance to put them out on trash day :scratchhead:

here is my view...if YOU think there is a problem. THERE IS.

I still drink. but we have clear rules..NO WINE..and i only drink WITH HIM if we are on holidays or special occasions..

wine is my trigger for sure. 

Help her nip this in the bud NOW. you cannot stop her from drinking..but you can help her with your support to make her own decision to quit

Lynn


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## Mishy

donewithit said:


> I am a recoverring alcoholic.
> 
> I used to have a drink before work (11am) then i continued unbeknownst to my hubby..while i was at work (own restaurant)
> 
> I would also drink when i got home. my choice was wine. I would hide the empty bottles hoping he would not find them before i got the chance to put them out on trash day :scratchhead:
> 
> here is my view...if YOU think there is a problem. THERE IS.
> 
> I still drink. but we have clear rules..NO WINE..and i only drink WITH HIM if we are on holidays or special occasions..
> 
> wine is my trigger for sure.
> 
> Help her nip this in the bud NOW. you cannot stop her from drinking..but you can help her with your support to make her own decision to quit
> 
> Lynn


Hi Lynn,

thank you for your post.It helps me to understand.

Your story is very similar to my wife's. She loves wine and the second choice is vodka.

She is not hiding her drinking, but she encourages me or her friends to drink or compliments them if they're having a drink.I find this eccessive and weird sometimes.

May I ask how your life is/was affected by alcohol?I feel put aside (less affection, less sex, less interest in me) because of it.


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## donewithit

our life was very much affected....sex was still there..but i remembered next to none of it..not a very nice think for my husband..i will tell you ..not trying to be concieted..but i have beautiful hair..long and very very spiral curly...i left it..i didnt care..i had knots that took a week for me to get out with very very much labour..if i didnt care about myself? how could i care about him? i do NOT know how my husband still had ANY sexual attraction to me. but i fought my way back..it is hard..when you are deep in the alcohol fog it is hard to see that you look like ****..you feel like ****...know what i mean?


sorry if you read the next paragraph before i deleted...i had two threads confused as one!! sorry

Lynn


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## donewithit

shoot..i am sooooo sorry i got two threads mixed up..u do not need antabuse..please disregard that statement
Lynn


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## Mishy

Wife will not be drinking for a week or so because she's taking antibiotics.

Today she was really crabby, and she's "taking relaxing tea to make at work because she can't drink" (quote her words).

I see an addiction there.

Also the other day we were talking to friends about c0cktails and she said she started drinking gin again (she said stopped when she was 21, now she's 34).

The more I think about it the more I think I have to go to Al-Anon.


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## GhostRydr

Ive dealt with similar for the last 3 yrs.

In the beginning she hid it so well, I thiught she had a medical issue (occasional has TSAs) but I found out it was vodka. I ran the gamut from yelling, puring it out, compromising, (she has anxiety and tried having her use it to calm her nerves until she got xanax prescribed. But then all she did was mix that with xanax.

Cops have been called numrous times to my home, they know shes a drunk. Shes had 2 seizures from ixing that with some sort of medication..etc. 

She has now stopped the hard booze but drinks beer all day long..and doesnt even get drunk! BUt its too late...the damage is done to our relationship and she knows it. Im staying til she can get a job and she has a timeline. My job downsized and now the house is gona be shortsaled...anyway...Im out as soon as possible. Im just a social drinker and can tale it or leave it but Im tired, the love is gone (tho caring remains) and now I just wanna be a happy bachelor again.


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## Mishy

GhostRydr said:


> Ive dealt with similar for the last 3 yrs.
> 
> In the beginning she hid it so well, I thiught she had a medical issue (occasional has TSAs) but I found out it was vodka. I ran the gamut from yelling, puring it out, compromising, (she has anxiety and tried having her use it to calm her nerves until she got xanax prescribed. But then all she did was mix that with xanax.
> 
> Cops have been called numrous times to my home, they know shes a drunk. Shes had 2 seizures from ixing that with some sort of medication..etc.
> 
> She has now stopped the hard booze but drinks beer all day long..and doesnt even get drunk! BUt its too late...the damage is done to our relationship and she knows it. Im staying til she can get a job and she has a timeline. My job downsized and now the house is gona be shortsaled...anyway...Im out as soon as possible. Im just a social drinker and can tale it or leave it but Im tired, the love is gone (tho caring remains) and now I just wanna be a happy bachelor again.


Hi GhostRydr,

do you have any suggestion on how to deal with this situation? We are newly married and already this marriage is not happy as it should.

Can you describe the behaviour of your partner when she was in the early stages? Was she still emotionally/physically attached to you or she became more self centered? I ask because this is what I am facing now. It seems all about her.
She often makes promises but then she forgets or stops committing to them, it's very frustrating. It's like living with a child sometimes.

My wife has anxiety too, and has trouble sleeping but still drinks. I tried to suggest cutting the alcohol at night to improve sleeping (she seems more prone to anxiety when she does not sleep well) but she basically ignored me.


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## GhostRydr

Hi, I really dont know..if I had the right answer I wouldnt be leaving her. Bottom line is alcoholics/drug abusers will NOT EVER EVER STOP whether you say do it for you, the kids, etc. They have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. They wont do it for love, kids nothing. 

Im bailing after 3 miserable years. I know its not me cuz I have a previous marriage that despite problems lasted at least 10 years plus 4 dating to compare this one to.

In the beginning I would come home from work and she would be BLOTTO'd drunk. And her kids were covering for her telling me it was meds or her tsa....I never smelled vodka on her breath so I bought this for a while til I found empty bottles under the bed, in the closet...she would lie, had memory lapse...the worst was when she was on Klonopin instead of xanax..that stuff mixed with booze wiped her recall..and drs think they know better by saying klonipin is safer than xanax..yeah right...

She also has problems with sleeping and no matter how much I tell her....when it was the hard booze it caused her ulcers, swollen liver back and forth to the dr, etc..tested for Hep, lupus..man, I ran the gamut...so even tho she has it under control with beer, and I do believe once she can get a job this will ease up, (shes also a MJOR worrier) the damage to our relationship is done, 

To many hurtful things were said to me, me being physically hit by her to provoke me to hit her back which I never did..closest I came was when she threw a glass of vodke in my face I did rip he shirt off her body. She called the cops for that and lucky for me they knew her by now and they told her she was lucky I didnt put her threw the wall....good times


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## rainbow12

You don't have to be a fall-down drunk if you're addicted to alcohol. No matter if you call her an alcoholic or functioning alcoholic, more than a few drinks for a woman really is harmful to her health. 

If she cannot take a break for a few days without feeling like it's a sacrifice, she should closely at her problem. I know, since I quit drinking 5 months ago.


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## Mishy

rainbow12 said:


> You don't have to be a fall-down drunk if you're addicted to alcohol. No matter if you call her an alcoholic or functioning alcoholic, more than a few drinks for a woman really is harmful to her health.
> 
> If she cannot take a break for a few days without feeling like it's a sacrifice, she should closely at her problem. I know, since I quit drinking 5 months ago.


Hi rainbow12,

yesterday she started drinking again in the morning. I asked her why. And she says "because I wanted a drink". We ended up having a fight because I worry about her health and she says that she can mange alcohol intake by herself and that she's not a child.

She was so mad that has not spoke to me for a whole day and night.

She also posted on fb a photo of the wine she drunk at the end of her shift. I think that was to make me mad. I didn't say anything, I found the thing very childish-like.

I take her choice not to talk to me as huge red flag. I don't know what to do now. If i go to Al-Anon the situation might become worse. If I don't go it stays bad as it is now.


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## rainbow12

Hello Mishy, 

I am sorry to hear your frustration with your wife's drinking. I totally understand the feeling of wanting to convince the person drinking that it is not healthy, that drinking less or being sober feels so much better, and that you only have their best interests at heart. 

However. I had to back off and allow my husband to make his own choices, just like I made mine. Al-Anon is one place where you can learn how to "set boundaries." I believe there are a lot of websites too that help out. 

Basically, you need to figure out how much you are going to change your responses, what you will tell your wife is acceptable to you, and stand by your statements. This could mean separation from each other if her behavior is intolerable to you, but you will not be able to change her. 

She needs to want to stop drinking. I have rarely heard of anyone that ever drank heavily being able to cut back to a moderate amount (1-2 a day max for a woman) without feeling deprived and always ending up drinking more.


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## Mishy

Thank you rainbow12 for your answer.

Living separate it's not an option.

How did you realize you had a drinking problem?

My wife denies that how much she drinks is a problem. I also believe that the drinking plus the medication is affecting very much our sex life, we are down to 1-2 times a month now (before was 2x + a week) and we've been married six months only.

I wish I was aware of this addiction months ago, it makes everything more and more complicated now.

Can you suggest a website or a book where I can learn how to set boundaries?

Thanks again.


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