# Hurting so Bad



## DoubleWhammy (Feb 28, 2010)

I've never done this before but there are times I feel like I won't make it, and I'm worried if I phone Lifeline the kids will wake up. I desperately need to tell my story. I am in so much pain. We were married for 15 very happy years, had 3 beautiful kids. For someone who never wanted to get married and never have kids (because being a kid hurts too much, especially when your family breaks up...) this was a revelation! 15th wedding anniversary on a beautiful tropical island I thought this is like a Fairy Tale, I would never have believed it when I was a teenager... A couple of weeks later it all fell apart... He had a severe reaction to routine medication and became Jekyll and Hyde. Accused me of having an affair (I wasn't), hit the kids, loaded key-logging software on our computers, read all my mail, stalked me, threatened to divorce me and take all the money, leave the kids and I with nothing, We were in a foreign country with no support, couldn't even speak the language. Other days he was filled with remorse, crying, begging forgiveness, apologising, or over the moon happy, asking why I looked so sad. A few months into this got him to a psychiatrist who diagnosed paranoid psychosis, offered to medicate him, but then told me a man could treat his wife as he pleased so don't complain (legally true in that country). But they did no tests, just whacked in a new set of meds, which made him worse. Eventually he begged me to help him fight it off on his own. I agreed. Slow improvement for a few months (bad episodes down to two - 3 per week). Then one day said he wanted to come clean and revealed all that he had been doing (I had suspected but he always denied before and so I gave him the benefit of the doubt - 15 yrs of total trust always upheld was hard to shake). I fell over and for months just lay on the bed and cried. But eventually I pulled myself together and started trying to get back my career after 10 yrs as a stay-at-home mum, just in case the (still) repeated threats of divorce came true. He still lost it a couple of times a week. But as my career started to take off it made things worse. Eventually we had a big chat and agreed to renew wedding vows. Did our own ceremony, included the kids. I promised to carry on working on saving the marriage. He promised to stop the abuse (it was, not just my term, professional counsellor calls it that). Lasted 10 days and then it all came back. For me that was the end. But I stayed for the kids. A few months later I started having an affair with a colleague. By then I was hurting so bad and so desperate for some love and affection. Colleague had a girlfriend, said he was going to leave her. Didn't. Eventually situation in home was so bad I was professionally advised to remove children as situation was now illegal and they were being emotionally abused. Hubby told 9 yr old son to watch me to make sure I wasn't bad and complained to son that I never hugged him any more, only other men. I had to explain Daddy wasn't allowed to touch me any more because he sometimes did bad things to me (counsellor had said he must stop after she found out what was happening physically between us). I left and moved with children to town where colleague lived. He was still with girlfriend. Still "working on it" leaving her. After a few weeks I was in such a bad way I said no more and found someone else. Short fling, then colleague begged me to come back, promised This Time he would leave girlfriend. He did. I moved in. Kids were with family elsewhere. We were totally in love and I knew happiness again. But then the criticisms started and he drank and would verbally abuse me when drunk. I tried to move out. He came and fetched me and threatened violence if I didn't return. I went back. He poured all the hard stuff down the drain and never touched it again, never got that drunk again in my presence. But kept threatening to leave me, kept telling me he was looking for someone else and by then I wanted out, but we hung on and neither could let go. Then I had to go away for school (part of that career-building) and I got my kids back and he kept dumping me via email. Said he doesn't want kids in his life. So eventually after the Nth "please set me free" email. I said "Ok, it's over". He's straight back with old girlfriend. They're "just friends". He "never ever told her he loves her, even when they were together. He loves me". (Oh, when we were still together and I was rushed to ICU he took her on a picnic!!) Ok, he sounds an arsehole, but really he helped me so much sometimes and got me through a lot of pain and bad times. He tries so hard sometimes and hurts me so bad other times. Kids' father (hubby) still desperately wants me back (doesn't know about the other relationship, I'm too scared to tell him). He is slowly getting better with better treatment now and better meds. I desperately want my kids to have a happy family, but the thought of even just lying in a bed next to hubby makes me sick to my stomach. I can no longer trust him at all. He broke my heart so many times in those last few years. I know I'm a mess and better off alone. I'm building a life for me and the kids, but man it all hurts so much!! So now I'm grieving 2 relationships, feel like I will never trust another living human again. But it's so hard on my own. In a new town (again), trying to make new friends again, but may be leaving for a few months for work anyway (back to town with colleague - whoop-de-doo!) Does all love always bring pain? Some days I'm ok, other days I collapse. It's over 3 years since this all started and I am still a huge mess, barely coping. Will I ever be ok?


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Each day gets a little easier. What hurts is the feelings and the memories. I think that's a huge portion of the hurt once you have it in your mind that you can't do this anymore. Rebuilding your life is the pits I know.


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## DoubleWhammy (Feb 28, 2010)

Thx CT. I just feel like everytime I get somewhere, something knocks me back down...


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well keep your head up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Like many others have said to me, you just have to take it day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. You can do this!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your story sounds very heartbreaking and painful. I understand.

It's wonderful that you are building your career for your kids and you. Keep focusing on that goal. Begin focusing on your...whatever counseling that you can get or continue and I'd encourage some soul searching...without the men.

You will have so much more to offer and build your confidence if you are man-free for the time being. Work on yourself.

When you are ready for another relationship...it's important to be the healthy person and draw your boundaries. There will be less chaos. 

I wish you the best but the pain will eventually subside, however, I would seriously reconsider any relationship for now.


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## DoubleWhammy (Feb 28, 2010)

Thx folks and thx especially CW, like I have read with your posts elsewhere you have really hit the nail on the head. Actually the good times are when I realise - "hey, no men!" and really enjoy being on my own - I can see that that way lies healing... Today is a little easier - kids' school swim carnival took me out of all that and focused on them and had a great day and now I feel like I can breathe on my own again. I know that I'm still way too messed up for a relationship and actually would love to be on my own for a good long while. It's just coping with the pain alone that is hard. Every now and then something kicks me over an edge... But I must say once the kids are asleep in the evening and I can do what I want - read or email or watch tv and be on my own, those are the best times for me! Thx again folks!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I desperately want my kids to have a happy family,


If it wasn't for the kids, so much of this divorce thing would be downright easy. 

I'm a bit further along, DW, having completed our divorce in Jan. I just found out I'm unlikely to have my job after 1-2 more years. Obviously, that was not part of the "plan," although the desire to move on in my profession and life was there--I just wanted to keep things stable for my kids--their school life, in particular--for as long as I could. But now that I say that, a year or two seems good. I have to get my ducks in a row--and since learning about my job future on Friday, I've been a bit paralyzed by "what ifs" instead of focusing on what I can do. Now it's time to get online, start organizing ideas, possibilities, etc., and making a plan. Ironically, I'm home with two sick kids today and that gives me time to think!

Anyway, I'm so with you on the challenges; you aren't alone. I think the hardest part for me is/will be, swallowing my pride when I need to. I may need to move in with a friend, if I can't support my kids on my own in the transitional time. That feels like "failure," but then, I would not look down on someone else who did the same thing (I'm less judgmental of others, I guess!) to meet her kids' needs, so why be so hard on myself.

Keep checking in with us, and ask for ideas, too. I find my thinking gets narrow when I'm under stress--I miss some good solutions and am less creative, caught in familiar grooves of thinking. One suggestion from a friend may be all it takes to get the ol' greased wheels going. God bless and good luck!


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## DoubleWhammy (Feb 28, 2010)

Thx for that. Yes, I think we do tend to judge ourselves hardest and it is hard to take steps down in order to step back up. I am often haunted by comparing what we had before with what we have now, but I am slowly learning to appreciate the little moments I have now that are good. I have to make some careful decisions about jobs in the next few months, I will probably have to ask for advice from whoever I can. Thx everyone for the support! It really really helps!


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