# Married 6 months, is the spark already gone?



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate your opinions regarding my situation.
We have been married for six months and I feel that our marriage is slowly going downhill and becaming boring.

We are young (me 29 she 34), no kids. I am European and english is not my mother thongue and she is from North America (english mother thongue). We decided to marry and settle here in North America so I parted from my friends and family.

I feel that the spark in our relationship is fading. We used to do things together, share ideas and interests, the passion was there. 
Now we barely do things together, she spends a lot of time on her laptop watching tv shows (she was doing this before too), and her mind is totally focused on her job.
Sex has decreased and we basically do it only when she wants it. After many rejections I stopped trying because I don't like to beg. Before getting married, she also used to dess up for me (she knows that I like it) on our "special nights" or we use to book one or two nights at a hotel to relax and make love. After married that is not reality anymore, it's just nice memories for me. I tried to spark things up by taking her out or buying her new lingerie, buying her flowers or gifts but it doesn't work. The relationship is now totally vanilla.
A kiss on the lips and a hug before/after work, hug on the couch for 1-3 minutes and that's all. No passionate kisses anymore.

I don't know what to think and do anymore. After reading "no more mr nice guy" I stopped doing things expecting something back. I am in better shape than a month ago and I like myself when I look into the mirror. 

I am pretty sure my wife is not having an affair. I checked her email and phone. We don't have a car, so it's pretty easy to track her. 

I am worried about her drinking. She was drinking before work and I talked to her about it and she stopped. She works at a restaurant and she drinks after her shift before coming home, but she doesn't tell me unless I ask.

Despite lack of passion and sex now she wants children. I would like too, but not in this condition. I don't want to be put in the back burner and say goodbye to sex, intimacy and passion as soon as she will be pregnant.

I just want my wife back. I don't want to live like this for years.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Yikes.

You've got to talk to her. Some night, after work, when she's NOT been drinking. Sit her down & tell her you need to have a serious conversation.

Print out your post... Show it to her. Tell her things have got to change around. You signed up for a mate for the long haul.. Not just for a couple months. You want the sex life to go back to how it was when you two were still trying to impress each other. you did not expect it to just tapper off to nothing after she has you & doesn't "need" to impress you anymore.


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi Chelle D,

Thank you for your response.

We had several talks. At the beginning it was about sex because I was rejected a lot. Then I approached her on other matters like spending time together,planning picnics and other things on our day off. She agreed. things got better for a short time then back to where we were before.
Lots of talking but no action on her part.
I even wrote a letter to her to explain myself in a better way and avoid a fight.

Talking/writing does not seem to work for me.

:scratchhead:


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's WAY too early for your marriage to have gotten this stale.

Have you asked her to go to Marriage Counseling?

It seems she is just not listening to you.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Mishy said:


> l me unless I ask.
> 
> Despite lack of passion and sex now she wants children. I would like too, but not in this condition. I don't want to be put in the back burner and say goodbye to sex, intimacy and passion as soon as she will be pregnant.
> 
> I just want my wife back. I don't want to live like this for years.


Tell her "I just want my wife back. I don't want to live like this for years."

Then tell her "No children until we have a marriage. Marriage comes before children and this is not a marriage".

Then don't waver from what is you want... Don't jump through any hoops... Leave it up to her to choose marriage and working at her sexual and other attidudes.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Drinking most nights after work? What could she also be doing "after work" then? 

Not to be an a$$ but we all know drinking lowers our inhibitions right?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Mishy said:


> We decided to marry and settle here in North America so I parted from my friends and family.
> 
> she spends a lot of time on her laptop watching tv shows (she was doing this before too), and her mind is totally focused on her job.


These two sentences jumped out at me.

How did you meet? How long did you date before deciding to marry? Did she live near you and just moved back? How did you decide that you'd leave you family?


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Thank you everybody for the replies.

She works at a restaurant at the moment and sometimes she has a drink after her shift. She normally text me whe she does as she normally wait for a bus or taxi home. The restaurant is close (5-10 minutes by car) and I did not notice any strange "timing". There is a schedule and is accessible to me.

Maybe she's "interested" in one of her coworkers (emotional affair)?I don't see the signs though. She leave her phone in plain view and email and facebook open all the time and I can't see anything to worry in there.

We met at work in New Zealand and we worked and travelled together ever since. With the job we were doing it was easy to get a work permit in several countries of the world but not mine. So we decided to move here in North America where things are easy that way. Also to be able work in my country she would have to speak my language and she has to start from scratch. That made us decide to settle here.
We dated for almost 2 years before getting married. 
I like where I am, I am just unhappy about my marriage. I didn't expect things to go this way.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm wondering if your relationship was built on travelling and working. It's kinda like having a summer romance - great for the beach not so great for the daily grind. Your relationship was all fun and games for 2 years and now she's home. Party over.

It can't help that you moved away from YOUR friends and family so now she's all you have. If you were needy in any way because of that it would have pushed her away.

Moving long distance at the start of a marriage is really hard to overcome. I know because I did it.


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm wondering if your relationship was built on travelling and working. It's kinda like having a summer romance - great for the beach not so great for the daily grind. Your relationship was all fun and games for 2 years and now she's home. Party over.
> 
> It can't help that you moved away from YOUR friends and family so now she's all you have. If you were needy in any way because of that it would have pushed her away.
> 
> Moving long distance at the start of a marriage is really hard to overcome. I know because I did it.


It sounds like you said. But she was so happy about the marriage and me, and now she is kinda disconnected from me.
I was needy some time ago after married, because I wanted intimacy and sex and we were fighting a lot about that. I didn't understand the change, and I still don't.
I have taken some distance from her to avoid getting hurt by her rejections (sexual but also for spending time together).
Lately she seems that she's trying to make an effort, I am starting to receive a few compliments (you're handsome/cute/sexy) and a bit more affectionate gestures and texts after months of "silence". The words are there (almost) but it's still lacking the physical part.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Was there something that was fought about that might have really hurt her? You know women are emotional I know when my husband and I went through our rough no sex patch it hurt me to no end. You don't want to be intimate after fighting about sex or anything for that matter. You need to open the communication lines up and if not try to romance her a little man you don't do the things that used to have her motto in the bedroom just a thought
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

sculley said:


> Was there something that was fought about that might have really hurt her? You know women are emotional I know when my husband and I went through our rough no sex patch it hurt me to no end. You don't want to be intimate after fighting about sex or anything for that matter. You need to open the communication lines up and if not try to romance her a little man you don't do the things that used to have her motto in the bedroom just a thought
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Hi sculley,

honestly I don't know. We had fights because I wanted more intimacy/sex/involvement in the relationship. The first fights were pretty strong, she was extremely defensive and didn't want to listen to me. I tried to bring up the subject in a very calm and easygoing way but she would just be upset no matter how open with her I could be. In the end I succeded in having a talk with her but despite words and promises to be better from her I don't see any major change.

The other day we could have had intimacy or make love for example. We were both in good mood and had the day free to ourselves. It crossed my mind for a second that I could have initiated things but then I rejected the idea. For many reasons, mainly because I didn't want another rejection and because she should show some interest in being intimate with me.
So I brushed the thought away and we carried on with our day.

This behaviour from her is causing a lot of questions to rise in my head, especially if for some reason I am sad or had a bad day.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You're starting over in a new country and that is a lot of pressure on you both. Take time to make sure your needs are met and that hers are, too. Make some friends, do some social activities, etc. And, go out on dates! Twice a week. This will help you build a foundation.

You guys are not talking about your problems. Ignoring them is compounding them. You guys need to talk to each other about what's going on and you're disconnected from each other because that isn't happening. Talk to her and tell her you want to figure out what's wrong.

Get into marriage counseling now. You guys owe it to yourselves to figure out if this marriage has the potential to last or not and you're seeing things in a skewed way because there's a lot of pressure here. Seeing these problems early on means there are a lot of things that are not in the right place and the first step is figuring out whether you can have a lasting foundation or not. You can't continue like this, that is for sure.


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

moxy said:


> You guys are not talking about your problems. Ignoring them is compounding them. You guys need to talk to each other about what's going on and you're disconnected from each other because that isn't happening. Talk to her and tell her you want to figure out what's wrong.



I tried to talk to her but she acts like there are no problems for her. She never approaches me or talk to me about this situation we're in. 

I will try to take her out on dates more and to try to do more things together as we were doing before. I am not sure about MC because I read that there are low chances of success.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Mishy, stop that. You are avoiding MC because you don't want to do it. You "read" that there are low chances of success? Really? Where? And were those peer-reviewed studies? Do you have citations? Have you reviewed the literature? No, you just don't want to do it.

If you don't want to do it, then don't do it, but don't hide behind, "I've read there are low chances of success", because that is bunk.

I echo everything Moxy said.


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Mishy, stop that. You are avoiding MC because you don't want to do it. You "read" that there are low chances of success? Really? Where? And were those peer-reviewed studies? Do you have citations? Have you reviewed the literature? No, you just don't want to do it.
> 
> If you don't want to do it, then don't do it, but don't hide behind, "I've read there are low chances of success", because that is bunk.
> 
> I echo everything Moxy said.



I have read it for example in "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever " by Scott Haltzman.

And yes I don't want to go because I am scared it won't fix things.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Mishy said:


> I tried to talk to her but she acts like there are no problems for her. She never approaches me or talk to me about this situation we're in.


She may be afraid to talk to you about the problems. This is a skill you guys are going to have to learn if you want a lasting relationship. It doesn't come automatically; it has to be learned. Ignoring them isn't going to make them go away. You have to find a way to communicate. In fairytales, people read each others' minds, but in relationships, we have to work actively to diagnose and treat the issues.

Have you read "His Needs Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages"? Start there. Both of you should read them and talk about them. Then maybe you will both have a way to talk about problems that isn't nebulous, that makes it seem like there's a way to talk about them; it may bring her out of her shell about stuff.



Mishy said:


> I will try to take her out on dates more and to try to do more things together as we were doing before. I am not sure about MC because I read that there are low chances of success.


Oh, come on! And it's not even worth trying because you heard some negative gossip about the process? Your marriage means so little to you? I doubt that. I think you love this woman enough to move countries for her and that's a great thing, but there is also the possibility of a lot of resentment there if you just ignore things. Just as much pressure as you must be feeling for things to naturally go smoothly, she is feeling pressure to be perfect -- under that, you're both afraid to poke at the elephant in the room because you're afraid that it isn't some big inflated creature but a real one that could crush you. Don't do that to yourselves. Counseling is only valuable because you are both showing up to a certain place and time and making an effort to makes things better; it would work well even if you didn't have a pro there, but, what harm is having a consultant around who is trained to coach you through stuff. If you're afraid of the counselor, try a minister or priest or religious clergy person from your faith or an older wiser person who you both trust.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Mishy said:


> And yes I don't want to go because I am scared it won't fix things.


I am glad you're being honest. That is important. You've gotta face the fears.

It's not magic. It won't automatically fix things. However, avoiding the problems won't fix them either. You came to this forum to seek some advice about what to do, which means you're feeling that something is off and want to do something about it. Now, you just have to get her to do the same thing with you. If you really are too afraid to face the problems, why not ask her to join the forum, too, and maybe people who are here can offer useful advice. I'd still say a pro is better, but if you're not up to it, send her to the forum, too (and you don't have to tell her your id, just let her come here and talk about issues, too).

I think you're afraid that the spark is gone. I think you're feeling a little buyer's remorse. I think you're afraid because things aren't perfect. I think she is picking up on that and shutting down instead of communicating. I think she probably feels like she just has to keep her feelings to herself to try to work things out. I bet you she's also afraid to bring up the weirdness because she's afraid it will get worse, but you both need to have a little more faith in the foundation you've built here and make it stronger! Be vulnerable. You have to push past all of that. Persevere!

Oh, go watch "Fireproof". It's cheezy, but it's a good look at what happens when you fight your demons in a marriage and win.


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi Moxy,

thank you for your replies.
The things you say are true. I love her and I will try anything to fix/save this marriage. I just don't know what to do. Maybe MC is the way to go but I want to try other ways before that.

Yes I do have some resentment due to the fact that she seem not to care about my needs while I do my best to accomodate hers. But here I don't really know if there are other things that she needs because communication on important stuff is poor.

And yes lately I feel some buyer's remorse. After all I moved here and choose to adapt in a new environment for us. Sometimes it's hard being a foreigner but I never make a big deal about it. I knew what was coming, I just pictured a different life once married. We were moving a lot before and it was good but at the same time stressful. Now that stress is not there anymore, we're in a more stable situation and for me it's much better. As I said before except the problems in our relationship I feel good about my life here.It doesn't seem so for her. There is often something "wrong", one day is her brother making bad decisions, the other day is her collegue at work, then the dog, then the neighbour. We talk about this things and I am always supporting her and I try to calm her down, but sometimes her mind is just too focused on those things and she can't let go for days.

I am organizing a camping trip for the next month and she seems pretty excited about it, I hope this will bring us a bit closer together.

I'll give a shot at the movie too, thanks again for the suggestion!


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Mishy said:


> I love her and I will try anything to fix/save this marriage. I just don't know what to do. Maybe MC is the way to go but I want to try other ways before that.


It doesn't have to be a last resort' counselors are not saviors but coaches, like personal trainers. Think of it as hiring a consultant to redecorate....you don't do that after you've screwed up the remodeling job in order to save yourselves, you do it at the beginning to make the whole process go more smoothly and happily!  You can pitch it that way, if you choose to: "I'm taking proactive measures."

The main thing you need to do to to fix your marriage is learn how to communicate with each other about the things you really need from each other and in your relationship. If no counseling, then, read books together and TALK instead of avoiding the issues.




Mishy said:


> Yes I do have some resentment due to the fact that she seem not to care about my needs while I do my best to accomodate hers. But here I don't really know if there are other things that she needs because communication on important stuff is poor.


Very good that you acknowledge this! Resentment is normal, but you have to let it go before it erodes things. You're doing your best to meet her needs. She isn't getting it because she isn't responding. I bet you she's doing her best, too, but you're not getting it because you're not feeling it. It could be simple. You might have different love languages -- like words of affirmation vs acts of service, or something like that; you feel loved when she spends time with you but she feels loved when you tell her how great she is or vice versa; there are five main ones and knowing your partner's "love language" is like a shortcut to happy land.  It's easier to meet a person's needs if you can speak their language! Go take the online quiz with your wife! It's like a ten minute investment of time and it's kind of fun and it will give you a good place to start.

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®



Mishy said:


> And yes lately I feel some buyer's remorse. After all I moved here and choose to adapt in a new environment for us. Sometimes it's hard being a foreigner but I never make a big deal about it. I knew what was coming, I just pictured a different life once married. We were moving a lot before and it was good but at the same time stressful. Now that stress is not there anymore, we're in a more stable situation and for me it's much better.


Everyone feels this way. The honeymoon period is waning and now you need to feed the relationship a little more to let it grow. If you don't water a plant properly, will it grow? But you need to figure out what sustenance it needs! And this varies from person to person, so you need to figure out what to feed for each person. Here's another questionnaire you guys can do together! The Love Bank concept is a useful one here.

Love Busters Questionnaire




Mishy said:


> As I said before except the problems in our relationship I feel good about my life here.It doesn't seem so for her. There is often something "wrong", one day is her brother making bad decisions, the other day is her collegue at work, then the dog, then the neighbour. We talk about this things and I am always supporting her and I try to calm her down, but sometimes her mind is just too focused on those things and she can't let go for days.


You have found a balance, but she has not. For your marriage to work, you BOTH have to be balanced. So, you need to talk to her about this. You need to connect. You both have expectations of the other and you're not voicing what they are, just bottling it up in your respective heads. You're feeling buyer's remorse, but so is she, I bet -- because it's normal to! Consider this: You moved all this way, so you're feeling entitled to things going well for you. She probably feels like she has to live up to that and being worn down. That's not good. She shouldn't have to sacrifice her needs to meet yours out of gratitude. It was a choice you made and you don't want to hold it over her head. You may not notice that you're doing it or demanding it, but your resentment indicates that you are -- and I bet she feels your resentment and that her own resentment is growing, too, because it's impossible to live up to that kind of ideal. Remember, you guys both made this choice, so let go of the other stuff and the other opportunities and make it work! You sacrificed some things to be with her. Yes. BUT, she also sacrificed some things to be with you and you need to see that. She may feel pressured to put herself on the back burner to cater to your resentment and that isn't good either. The fact that she is getting pulled around over every little thing suggests that she is not getting her needs met. It's possible that she doesn't want to ask you for more because she feels guilty about doing so, but she should not feel guilty doing so because it's your choice. So, why don't you try to take the initiative to figure out what her needs are!? It will help you both in the long run.

Here's another quiz thing about emotional needs:
Emotional Needs Questionnaire



Mishy said:


> I am organizing a camping trip for the next month and she seems pretty excited about it, I hope this will bring us a bit closer together.


Rug-sweeping the problem isn't going to work. You're just hoping it goes away. It might, but it might make things better for a short time only. In the long run, you guys are going to have to deal with the resentment that's building up and the communication breakdown that is threatening things. It's not a big deal now but it can become one if you don't try to make it better.

Hang in there. And, don't just ignore the problems. Watch "Fireproof" WITH your wife and see if you guys can talk about it later (it's got some religious stuff in there, but you can always disregard it if you're not religious because the interpersonal stuff is still valuable).

Read those two books I suggested WITH your wife. Take those three quizzes WITH your wife. And talk to each other. 

This marriage can become awesome if you allow it to and it can fall apart if you don't deal with it. If you don't catch the thread unraveling at your hem, will it stop unraveling? Don't allow things to unravel when it's a simple knot that will keep it all together; learn how to tie the knot properly and keep the blanket from unraveling.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The 1st couple of years in a normal mge---the spouses, are starry-eyed lovers, they can't even see that anyone else exists---they are in love, and it is them agst. the world

Maybe this is what the 2 of you had, before taking vows---question you need to ask, if things were good prior to vows---why did things change so drastically, after vows were taken?

You are getting nowhere---and now you are starting to be miserable

You got a couple of choices, stay benign, and believe me nothing will change

You can try counseling----or, probably your best bet, and what needs to be done anyhow---IS FORCING HER TO TALK------You need to converse, you need to talk out your problems, and if you have to threaten consequences, then do so

Tell her she MUST talk about this, and work toward fixing the problems, or there is no need for you to stay married----AT THIS POINT, RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A MGE. ANYWAY---so there is no reason not to lay things on the line

It is also possible she is sliding you by, cuz she does have a lover----what you are experiencing, is a symptom of an A.---she has little or no interest in you, cuz she is being satisfied elsewhere

But no matter what---FORCE her to talk to you---at this point you could probably still get the mge., annulled, so don't let her call the shots---do what you need to do, FOR YOU!!!!


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

moxy said:


> It doesn't have to be a last resort' counselors are not saviors but coaches, like personal trainers. Think of it as hiring a consultant to redecorate....you don't do that after you've screwed up the remodeling job in order to save yourselves, you do it at the beginning to make the whole process go more smoothly and happily!  You can pitch it that way, if you choose to: "I'm taking proactive measures."
> 
> The main thing you need to do to to fix your marriage is learn how to communicate with each other about the things you really need from each other and in your relationship. If no counseling, then, read books together and TALK instead of avoiding the issues.



Hi moxy.

I have been thinking a lot about what you wrote down. I think you are right. I am slowly convincing myself that counseling may be the right way. We both seem willing to improve this marriage but we don't know how or we give up after little obstacles/difficulties.

I talked to her the other day after posting here. I told her I was not happy, that I feel we are disconnected, that she if focusing on work more than us. Actually she is 99% focused on work and she can't let go. 
She brings "work" home. As a consequence I am taking care of everything here because she is stressed, can't sleep, need to take a nap because she didn't sleep, need to relax before going to work etc.

She agreed with me but said I am putting pressure on her. 

So what should I do?Shut up and say "everything It's great!"?

After our conversation she is making an effort to be more "romantic" and make me feel a bit more desired. I appreciate her effort but It's just a surface thing, her body language says she's not ready yet to embrace me and relax like we were doing pre-marriage.

Then I realized we are in a circle and we can't get out by ourselves. I will get better for a while, then back to being disconnected again.

We are planning relaxing time together, but I don't think it's going to be enough. I really think we need to seek advice from "outside" wether is MC or a priest or a minister.

I have downloaded "fireproof" and we're going to watch it this week 


@ jnj express

I agree with you. She needs to talk and say what's wrong.
I don't think she is cheating in any way, I think her reactions would be different when I was trying to talk to her if she was cheating. On top of that I don't see any evidence (unless she is very good at hiding things) that she may be cheating.

At this point I am forcing myself to be very patient, this situation is pushing me to the limit. Some days I keep myself busy on purpose to don't think about it.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Well, that faded quickly. Marriages do go through different stages. Even my hubby and I whom are very affectionate towards one another go through spurts where we are not as affectionate, but not often.

It takes both people to keep the spark going. One person trying and the other not will not work and create resentments. We each have our own individual needs and the only way you'll find out your own is communicating to each other what they are.

My husband and I are both very affectionate. We are very similar to our love language. We really have never been through hard times as a couple and I do believe communication has saved us from hardships. We also strive to meet one another needs. We absolutely adore each other and I do believe we are blessed to have found each other.

I wish I could give you help, but I have no idea how to fix your situation. I do wish you the best. 

Some people get bored more quickly then others. I'm not one of those people. I could be alone for days, weeks or months without getting bored.


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Well, that faded quickly. Marriages do go through different stages. Even my hubby and I whom are very affectionate towards one another go through spurts where we are not as affectionate, but not often.
> 
> It takes both people to keep the spark going. One person trying and the other not will not work and create resentments. We each have our own individual needs and the only way you'll find out your own is communicating to each other what they are.
> 
> ...


I wish we could have the same relationship as you and your husband! I am happy for you guys!
I think about my parents and the way they still love each other, after more than 30 years of marriage. My mother still wait for my dad to come home from work before having dinner and packs him lunch for the next day.My dad still calls home on his lunch break almost every day. They organize trips together or simply go out for a bicycle ride on weekends.

Back to my situation I don't know where I am making mistakes. I can't "expect" or "want" intimacy on any level (from a deep kiss to make love) other than superficial (kiss on the lips, short hug) or I am "putting pressure" on her. Shouldn't she have some desire for intimacy with me? Is it really hard for her to "want" her husband despite of all the drama going on at work? I stopped initiating sex and now it's more than 2 weeks since the last time we made love.

Is she bored with me?I asked her and she said no, that she loves me and looks forward to be home with me every day.

:scratchhead:


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Mishy said:


> Is she bored with me?I asked her and she said no, that she loves me and looks forward to be home with me every day.
> 
> :scratchhead:


Believe her actions not her words.


----------



## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

I've been dealing with your situation for 14 years. It started after the first year with the, "I'm tired. I have a headache, I don't feel like doing it, etc." I initially confronted her about it and even threatened to end the marriage after being married only 3 years. That got me sex twice per week and an extra day on my B-day and Father's day...not bad until I realized I didn't miss the sex. I missed the affection and passion.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Things won't change instantly over night. You stated that she is trying to, but your not feeling it? Maybe it's you too, that needs to change the way you feel. Let your resentments go. Your both working and tired at the end of the day.

I haven't worked a job in 11 years. I stayed home raising the kids. Once they were a little older is when our relationship blossomed fully. Our relationship has always been wonderful, but it certainly took time to where it is now. It's much different now that I'm home all day and I can focus on my husband more. I can't work anymore because I broke my neck 4 years ago and I'm now housebound due to pain. 

2 years after we were married my husband started his annual 10 night salmon fishing Alaska trip. His cousin had lived there at the time and still owns property there. He never called once. I was home with a baby and my other child I brought into the marriage, plus I was working. The next year, he called maybe once or twice. Now when he leaves to Alaska or another trip, he calls me 1-2 times a day! He calls me several times a day while at work everyday. He use to talk to his dad, but he's been so busy after his recent promotion he only calls me. It feels good to hear his voice. I do miss him during the day. I can not wait for retirement. If we play our cards right, he will retire early, maybe.

It sounds like your wife loves you and is making an effort. Going into a situation with a negative attitude is not going to help(saying the alone time isn't enough). 

I loved my husband all along, but now our love is even deepened. We both make sure in the evening after dinner to sit with each other holding hands while watching television or talking. I'd love to lay on him, but it hurts my neck and I need a pillow. Our hands get sweaty, so we move them still touching one another. My husband brings work home too, but I listen. He has no outlet at work. He does not gossip and can not tell his feeling to his workers. My husband is the boss, so he comes home and lets it all out.  I don't mind. I will sit and listen while I always have a hot cooked meal when he comes home.

My husband and I are extremely compatible. I did not realize this until a few years into our marriage. We've only had 1-2 arguments in the last 12 years of marriage. He has always put my needs first and foremost before his own. My husband wakes up with a positive attitude 98-99% of the time. It's not often he has a bad day.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I really wish you luck in fixing this. But as you read through some of the stories here that begin simliar to the way yours has, things don't get better. They get progressively worse.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Have you made an appointment for counseling yet? Or, talked to her about this problem any more? Have you had any luck with the quizzes or the books? Did you guys watch the movie together?

How about an update, Mishy? We're rooting for you and your wife to get past this.


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

moxy said:


> How about an update, Mishy? We're rooting for you and your wife to get past this.


Update.

We talked and we took a couple of days off to relax. We had 2 beautiful days out in the sun, we relaxed and made love. Wow!It was like pre-marriage!I hope this will last. I am keeping up with the effort to make her feel more at ease and relaxed at home (that's what she asked) and I hope she will keep being close to me as she did/is now.
I think she is really stressed about her job and it's really hard for her to focus on anything else during the week. So we talked and discussed how to make it better for us and for her. She could work dayshift but that's not really an option because she earns more during the evening (works at a restaurant) and we need the money. We made a plan for her to switch to days or change job in a few months when we will have enough money.

she hasn't took the "love languages" assesment (I did though) or watch the movie but I am sure we will watch it one night this week.

My score in the "5 love languages test" is:

5 Words of Affirmation
6 Quality Time
4 Receiving Gifts
6 Acts of Service
9 Physical Touch

Thanks for rooting for me!!I really need it!


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Another update.

Things are now back as before.It's kind of a rollercoster, a few good days and some bad days.
I think the romance and sex we had is just related to her menstrual cycle, she seems to be more horny and affectionate just before she has her period.It's something I have noticed during those months.
Now that the hormones are out of the game the interest in being affectionate and close to me has vanished. 

So I proposed to watch "fireproof" and she refused because she didn't like the actors in it. WTF!?!? 

I am not giving up, but it's challenging, It's draining me emotionally. Next step is the 5 love languages book.


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Another update.

We are back to no communication. Another fight. 
We were talking about our dog. I was talking and she interpreted my words wrongly (I am not English mother thongue and sometimes I make mistakes if I talk too fast or if I'm tired) and called me "d*uche". 
I don't curse, and never cursed at my wife. But she does and it's not rare that she curse at me calling d-bag or jerk when she's upset.

I got really upset. She apologized and for her everything should be fine after the apology. But for me it's not. I don't feel she has respect for me otherwise why she insulted me for such a little thing?

Communication is so bad right now that I don't even know where to start suggesting her to read the 5 love languages book. 

I feel a lot of resentment coming up again because I feel ignored sexually. During the weekend we had dinner outside and we dressed up. We stopped at a shopping mall just before heading to the restaurant and she bought some stuff for hair and nails. Of course she was affectionate when we were outside and when back home she switched to no-affection. During that short trip at the mall I realized how much she invests on her appearence (she is a really beautiful woman) outside the house, while when home with me she is in here pijamas. I have the gut feeling that she's seeking the attention of other males. 
Am I wrong? I am soo confused.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What kind of a career does she want to have in the future? When you hate your job and have no hope for it changing it can be really hard to be happy outside of work. Maybe she needs to work on making a plan to get some kind of training to do something that she likes or at least doesn't hate. She sounds like she's depressed. Is she now living where she grew up? Is she a lover of travel, and if so do you have a way to do so? 
As for her looks, it's harsh but people tip wait staff more when they are good looking, she probably feels like she needs to stay attractive to make more money. 
She probably is tired from work and pajamas are relaxing. Wearing a uniform all the time is just really stifling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> What kind of a career does she want to have in the future? When you hate your job and have no hope for it changing it can be really hard to be happy outside of work. Maybe she needs to work on making a plan to get some kind of training to do something that she likes or at least doesn't hate. She sounds like she's depressed. Is she now living where she grew up? Is she a lover of travel, and if so do you have a way to do so?
> As for her looks, it's harsh but people tip wait staff more when they are good looking, she probably feels like she needs to stay attractive to make more money.
> She probably is tired from work and pajamas are relaxing. Wearing a uniform all the time is just really stifling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi diwali123

She's not living where she grew up. Same country, different town & state.
We have plan to change job in a year time. She does seem happy at work though. We even went there for dinner because she wanted to.
I get that she is tired and unhappy about some situations at work and I give her space and time for herself.
She seems happy outside of home, I just don't feel she's attracted to me anymore. I notice that she's flirty with her colleagues but I don't find it inappropriate. Moreover there is no evidence of an affair as I stated before.

I feel I can't be myself anymore otherwise she says that "I am putting pressure on her" for wanting to be close/affectionate/funny/sexy. Somedays I feel like a complete stranger to her and it's really depressing for me. 

I don't understand why she's fine with all this.I am always the one bringing up the fact that things are not good this way.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is there something she is resentful about? Have you tried the 180 and turning down the thermostat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

