# Living in an "open relationship"



## H3ll4 (Aug 22, 2014)

Hello everybody, this is my first post and I am a little bit anxious and hope that you will ask questions if I don't make myself clear.
Background: we've been together for 2 years (engaged now), planning to get married next year.
While we were dating we discussed about anything we thought might be a issue, as we both wanted a long term relationship. We discussed about family, sexuality, finances, children, religion etc.
The issue now is sexuality. Although we are pretty active and we are both satisfied (or at least this is what I think) with our sex life, my partner has from time to time the desire to go and "benefit of the services of an escort". I know he benefited from all kind of services available in some west countries in Europe (window girls, street girls, escorts, specialized clubs etc) and he did not hide that at the beginning of our relationship, but going now to an escort hurts me very, very bad. We have been together to an escort before (I enjoyed watching him performing), but he was not as happy as he hoped because he wanted to offer affection and could not feel good because he could not offer affection as he used to do before we were dating.
Few days ago we discussed about going again, but he told me that he needs to offer affection to that girl, that he can't just use her body. That hurt very, very bad and made me reconsider my attitude regarding this kind of activity. I felt that I am the woman who offer sex for free, when he wants, how he wants, I clean, cook, take care of home and when he pays for someones services, he just can't use her body. But there were times in our relationship when he just wanted to use my body and I agree to that. I don't think i refused him 3 times in the whole 2 years... 
What need to be mentioned is that he is very open with me: I have full access to his computer, phone, facebook, e-mail, bank accounts, everything! I control all the finances in the couple (he brings more than 80% of the finances and money is not an issue for us). I can spend as much as I want, whenever I want, he never says something bad about this. He even encourage me to go to massage, to buy clothes, to do things I like. He really is very supportive, kind, affectionate and he is really willing to understand me. He is not willing to pay too much for an escort so he usually look to the lowest and medium price range.
The problem is that I feel hurt, I feel that I have changed my mind since we started this relationship as he tried to push my limits more than I was ready to accept. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel cheated for the fact that "I presented myself in one way when we met" and now, when he is ready to make a commitment (marriage) I have just changed my mind. He told me that affection is not something limited, that even if he offers affection to that girl, I will still have all the affection I want, but it just doesn't help. 
This feelings of hurt seem to affect my behavior and we have been arguing daily since then.
I am considering telling him to stop all our initiatives in this direction, but I don't want to make him feel trapped. On the other hand, I feel pressure to solve things now, very fast as I am 4 weeks pregnant and I might reconsider my pregnancy...
Sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like he wants a polyamorous relationship. An open relationship can also be poly and vice versa, but usually they imply different things. However, regardless of what he wants, you want something different. You are both right, but perhaps not right for each other.

You need to discuss your feelings with him, and soon. It sounds like the open part has only been for his benefit, so far. If you are not fully in agreement on an open and/or poly relationship - and very willingly so - then you have a fundamental incompatibility that cannot be resolved. If you find this is true, you will know what to do.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

so he hires low priced hookers, but does not fix you up with a stud? How is that fair? 

but seriously...only something like 5% of married people ever try the "open marriage" option, and of them, perhaps half find it rips the marriage apart. So the statistics are not so good.

The problems, from what I hear, are when boundaries/rules are not followed. Like he has a favorite hooker, starts seeing her more and more, and then thinks he is "in love" with her. Or he finds a woman that you dispise, and ****s her anyway over your objections. Those are the sort of problems that arise. 

So if you are r_*eally*_ ok with this, and you think the two of you have the emotional stability to pull it off....sure, go for it. But if you have reservations about it, especially if you see red flags in his behavior that would possibly lead to the marriage dissolving, then you had better work this issue out * ahead of getting married!*


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Marrying with this sort of issue unresolved would be fool hardy, to go ahead and have a child would be incredibly naive.

His mind won't change, neither will yours likely, and this will tear you apart.


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## H3ll4 (Aug 22, 2014)

I don't want a stud. I don't feel like touching, feeling, knowing another man. I really don't feel an inner desire for something like that. I realize that while swinging. I personally don't get any memorable experience (in the positive way!)

He never wants to go again to the same girl. He always goes for different girls, he just choose from the available ones, and I can decide whether I like her or not. So no concerns about falling in love. Before we met he date with an escort and was very, very proud of the fact that he managed to breach the barrier between an escort and a client. He date her, went to restaurants, picnic, made unprotected sex after they both tested for STD... he spoke like it was something to be very proud about.

I discuss with him about my fantasies, and the first experience with the escort was a nice one. I really enjoyed watching them, I used that like a material after... was very, very nice. It's just the affection thing that makes me feel very, very bad. I feel that he is trying to push my limits and he always explains what are the reasons why he does that.
When we discuss about escorts, first I have negative feelings about the facts that I am not good looking, that I am brown and he wants a blonde, that I am X and she is Y... after a few hours I get really excited and even insist going. But I don't get this affection thing: why is it so necessary to offer affection when you pay for that services?!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What do you mean by "offer affection"? It does not sound like he's seeing the same person again and again, so he's not getting emotionally attached, correct?


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## H3ll4 (Aug 22, 2014)

He wants to make then feel good and relaxed and naturally excited. He wants to kiss them, make them oral sex... he needs to see that the girls enjoy themselves. He would act as he is acting with me... he says he can't enjoy if the girl is not enjoying herself. And this is what hurts me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I think you two are in for a lifetime of hurt if you get married. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

H3ll4 said:


> He wants to make then feel good and relaxed and naturally excited. He wants to kiss them, make them oral sex... he needs to see that the girls enjoy themselves. He would act as he is acting with me... he says he can't enjoy if the girl is not enjoying herself. And this is what hurts me.


This is a little unusual if he's seeing prostitutes, but very normal for anyone else such as in swinging, open, and poly relationships. Kissing, oral, cuddling, etc., make the encounter more enjoyable and relaxed, without any deeper meaning. Some couples do have rules that restrict any show of affection, but those are _usually _contrived, controlling, and unnatural because of an insecurity or fear. _Usually_, those fears are baseless.

I think that you either find mutually agreeable and acceptable boundaries, or split up. You may be able to work through these issues, but it sounds like this may be a hard boundary for you, in which case there is no compromise if he's unwilling to accept your limits.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It may not be appropriate or relevant, but I have got to ask what country you are from ? You refer to western countries and Europe as being somewhere else so I am guessing you are from the East/Far East ? Maybe Japan or somewhere near ?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It just doesn't feel like you guys are creating an "open" relationship. What you're setting up is a relationship where he gets to have skanky "low cost" hookers (Ewww!), and your feelings don't matter. That doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## H3ll4 (Aug 22, 2014)

We are both east Europeans living for the last few years in West Europe... When I met him, I moved away to be together with him (he was already in the West...).


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## H3ll4 (Aug 22, 2014)

PBear said:


> It just doesn't feel like you guys are creating an "open" relationship. What you're setting up is a relationship where he gets to have skanky "low cost" hookers (Ewww!), and your feelings don't matter. That doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know he really care about my feeling and we usually discuss about anything that bother us. But that time, when I told him that I feel hurt if he offers affection, he also felt criticized and we didn't really get to any conclusion or boundary...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do you mean by "offers affection"? They're prostitutes. They aren't looking to be "loved". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

PBear said:


> What do you mean by "offers affection"? They're prostitutes. They aren't looking to be "loved".


Exactly. But maybe he needs the illusion to make it work for him?


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## H3ll4 (Aug 22, 2014)

PBear said:


> What do you mean by "offers affection"? They're prostitutes. They aren't looking to be "loved".
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is my opinion too! they are not doing it for free... they do it for money, not for affection. That's why I can't understand why he need to be a white horse knight with them.

Considering that we had sex without prelude sometimes, he just used my body (and I am not complaining about this, it's absolutely right for me), it's not like he can't have sex without affection.

I think what he really wants is to be memorable for them... to feel that he is special, different from other guys who just use their services. He told me once about this...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well when you pay for sex I would think the last thing you want to remember is that you paid for sex

hence his desire to make it "real" and why so many escorts advertise "GFE" (girlfriend experience)

regardless of the psyschology, if he can't understand and respect the boundary then you have to enforce that boundary and call off the engagement


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

First, he sounds like someone who isn't satisfied with just one woman. I think marrying him would be a really bad idea. Second, "rethink the pregnancy"? What did the baby ever do to deserve that? I mean really, you're thinking of killing your unborn child because you're having problems with your man? That sounds incredibly selfish to me. Dump the man and keep the baby.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He's the last person on earth you should marry.


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## Metuant (Aug 26, 2014)

Well done darling. I welcome the initiative of you taking your concerns to the forum to see other people's opinions.

We have nothing to hide. 

I like the description you did, I think it is very nice and honest about your feelings and your concerns while trying to present a fair view. 

In case you where wondering dear reader I am H3ll4's soon to be significant other. We have used this forum as a cherished source of information for a long time, even before we got together. It provides a magical window into people's intimacy that we otherwise would not see.

I am an active participant on another account. 

There are a few couples on the forum and I for one always appreciate the rare occasion when we can read both partner's views on a thread. 

So if anyone would like further details or perhaps my view on things feel free to ask and I will try to answer.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Considering both these accounts have been created in the last 4 days, I think I'll pass on this for now...

C


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

H3ll4 said:


> He wants to kiss them, make them oral sex... he needs to see that the girls enjoy themselves.


Oral sex on prostitutes?!!!

Why don't you just jump into a medical waste bin full of used needles? It would be cheaper.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Dating and going out and sharing is all part of the Long Term Relationship "interview" (LTR) process. 

During this process, it seems your level of maturity - (sexual and otherwise) is more developed than his.

There is no right or wrong here, you've discovered a major incompatibility with how you want your life to be with how he wants your life to be.

Thus, he no longer meets your LTR criteria even though in the beginning you thought he did. Maintain your boundaries and values. You will find the man that meets your needs and his in a balanced way. It's just not with him. 

Move on and take your lessons learned medicine. There's a decent guy out there somewhere looking for you, so don't waste anymore time with the current one.


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## H3ll4 (Aug 22, 2014)

Thank you all for your responses,

Yesterday I discussed with him about my boundaries and although he tried to explain to me that affection is not something finite, he agree that he will always act as I am comfortable. 

As Almostrecovered said in her reply, I asked him if he is comfortable paying for that services and his answer was no. He said he used to be comfortable when we were not together and every month he saved and had a fun budget and as long as he was using the fun budget it was ok. Since we got together we tried investing in different things and there is always something to do with the extra money, we don't have a fun budget and he is not feeling comfortable. So Almostcovered, you were right!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Am I understanding this? He isn't comfortable with it, but is doing it anyway?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

This doesn't sound like an open relationship to me, it is more like you tolerate his selfish behavior. This is his dirty little secret that you keep for him. If consenting adults want to do this, then so be it, but I have never seen it work out for the good, long term. Additionally, this is not really the kind of behavior that you want to expose to your children. He is going to be a father, time to put the playboy days behind him, and start living a life his son would be proud of in the future.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

H3ll4 said:


> He wants to make then feel good and relaxed and naturally excited. He wants to kiss them, make them oral sex... he needs to see that the girls enjoy themselves. He would act as he is acting with me... he says he can't enjoy if the girl is not enjoying herself. And this is what hurts me.


So he's insanely selfish AND delusional.

That's like saying "The stripper was really into me".

Yes a prostitute can enjoy herself, but that's FAR from what she wants. If you just told the prostitute before hand "He really likes it if he thinks your into him." BAM they're into him, without kissing, cuddling etc.


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## highwing (Aug 25, 2014)

If this is not the relationship you are looking for you should talk to him about it. Tell him you want to be a closed couple. But if he can't do it, then maybe let him go or else he will always want to do it.


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