# May be the last straw



## hayburner (Jun 10, 2014)

We have been married for 17 years. Our oldest daughter (he adopted her when she was 4) just graduated from high school. Our youngest will be a sophmore this coming year. We have drifted apart for years. I have been telling him for months how I feel like he hates me. He says there is nothing wrong and that I should get off of my pity party, this is just the way he is. Some examples of why I think he hates me - I catch him glaring at me across the room constantly, if I am upset at all he gets angry, if I am angry he gets angry, if I am happy he tries to be funny by saying something he knows will make me angry and then gets angry that I am now angry. He told me this weekend that when I am quiet and sad that it makes him hate me more and then tried to recant that it didn't come out right. Not sure where I am supposed to go with this except done. He started working out of town last year and I realize I am a much happier person when he is not around. This is my second marriage and I was waiting until my youngest was out of High School but not sure how much longer I can do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My bet I that both of you are waiting until your younger child graduates from high school.

And look at the miserable existence it's causing. The fact that he tells you that he hates you is horrible.. terrifying actually.

Think of the guilt trip your child will have when she finds out that the only reason you stayed in a miserable marriage was her. Because of you chose to suffer. Does that make any sense to you?

Just file for divorce now. Get it over with now. See an attorney and start planning your exit. 

Do you have a job now?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

hayburner said:


> We have been married for 17 years. Our oldest daughter (he adopted her when she was 4) just graduated from high school. Our youngest will be a sophmore this coming year. We have drifted apart for years. I have been telling him for months how I feel like he hates me. He says there is nothing wrong and that I should get off of my pity party, this is just the way he is. Some examples of why I think he hates me - I catch him glaring at me across the room constantly, if I am upset at all he gets angry, if I am angry he gets angry, if I am happy he tries to be funny by saying something he knows will make me angry and then gets angry that I am now angry. He told me this weekend that when I am quiet and sad that it makes him hate me more and then tried to recant that it didn't come out right. Not sure where I am supposed to go with this except done. He started working out of town last year and I realize I am a much happier person when he is not around. This is my second marriage and I was waiting until my youngest was out of High School but not sure how much longer I can do it.


It sounds dysfunctional, but it might be worth giving IC/MC a try for the both of you. Putting divorce on the table might motivate him to deal with this, but you will probably have to file to get his attention. Though be ready that if he does not snap out of it and really does not care about the marriage, then your path is set then though still for the better.


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## hayburner (Jun 10, 2014)

Yes we both work. I have a decent job. Although we are in alot of debt so would be another financial ruin to split. Divorce has come up, it gets thrown out there but never followed thru with. He now works out of town for so many weeks and then is home for the same amount of weeks, which creates an issue. I cannot pay the mortgage on our house and the rest of our obligations by myself. We have had to start over twice in the last 17 years which is part of not leaving.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

hayburner said:


> Yes we both work. I have a decent job. Although we are in alot of debt so would be another financial ruin to split. Divorce has come up, it gets thrown out there but never followed thru with. He now works out of town for so many weeks and then is home for the same amount of weeks, which creates an issue. I cannot pay the mortgage on our house and the rest of our obligations by myself. We have had to start over twice in the last 17 years which is part of not leaving.


Talking about divorce is one thing and can lead to complex games. Serving papers will summon up the 'come to jesus' moment if it is there at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hayburner said:


> Yes we both work. I have a decent job. Although we are in alot of debt so would be another financial ruin to split. Divorce has come up, it gets thrown out there but never followed thru with. He now works out of town for so many weeks and then is home for the same amount of weeks, which creates an issue. I cannot pay the mortgage on our house and the rest of our obligations by myself. We have had to start over twice in the last 17 years which is part of not leaving.


If you file for divorce and make a bankruptcy part of the divorce the debt goes away.

Do you make less than he does? If so you could ask for interim spousal support during the divorce and child support. You'd need to talk to an attorney to find out if you could get any spousal support after the divorce. This depends on the ratio of your income to his income.

With the house you could make a deal that you live in the house until your daughter graduates. You pay what you can afford (taking into consideration child support and spousal support). Then he pays the rest. When she graduates the house is sold and the two of you split the equity.

This is why you talk to an attorney, to find out what kind of solutions could be worked out that will let you be free of this sooner.


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