# What the What....!



## Amelia75

Hi, all!

This is my first post and I will navigate the site to see where to post specific questions, explore answers, etc...
A little about me: I am a 50-yr-old woman. I am a single parent. I am educated, but completely and utterly clueless about weeding out unhealthy men. Like most members here, my story is relatable and similar I have overcome really unhealthy patterns with a partner, had enough, and left my husband. I admire all here who have taken the path before me. It is way easier to live in denial than take the steps into the unknown.... It took me a half a year to really decompress, grieve, and just accept the situation. I do not regret leaving. Leaving behind extreme dysfunctional familial and marital dynamics was a gift I was fortunate to give to my children and myself. It took a long time to leave due to finances. So, to all those out there who need the change, but finances are an obstacle, keep on focusing on your goal. It can be done; it may just take a bit longer than you want or need. As most of you can relate, you are a single parent. Parenting solo obviously comes with challenges and joys... There is not a day that goes by; however, that I am so grateful to have full custody. I am blessed to be a mama to my kids.

Anyways, let's get to the reason why I am posting. I want to meet a male friend for companionship. I enjoy antiquing, arts, travel, all the good stuff... I am not ready for a serious relationship. I want to start slow develop trust and a healthy friendship. If it takes off, great If not, no big deal. My expectations are realistic. 

On to the point of this post... So, I looked at Our Time. I think that may be a good starting point. The only reason I am considering using dating sites is because I work in a female dominated profession with little interaction with men. I keep to myself in my neighborhood and church is full of married couples. Recently I tried Plenty of Fish and was sent naked pics of POF users. Um, yeah. I am 50 and really don't want to see stranger's private areas. 

A rather decent man gave me his number under the pretense "I am here for you if you need anything.." We had a couple of text exchanges, very casual. He was honest. He can't date me per se because it would be a conflict of interest with his job. I was cool with that and told him I understood. No big deal. Of course his response was but "We can have some fun in the bedroom." I told him that I wasn't not interested. Without fail, every weekend, he texts me that he is waiting for pics of my breasts, etc... I have repeatedly said no. He responds with "I will go first and send you my area." Ah, no, thank you. I have told him many times that I am not interested in any of it. Last night he said, "I am dying to see your body." I ignored it. I always ignore the texts thinking he would get the hint. I have been very clear that I am not interested.

What is the point of my post? I really need support from y'all to navigate through this nonsense I just want a friend to connect with. I am lonely. Is this the new normal in the dating world? Pics before connections? I am so not used to this. Again, I am not looking for love right now; but, I do want to connect with a man and enjoy activities in my city.

If anyone here would be so kind to give me some insight, I would really appreciate it. The information I really want from someone is to know what is a decent dating site and how to stay safe. Sorry for jumping around topics. I don't have anyone to help me sort through this. What is online dating like? This is all so new to me.

Thank you in advance!

Amelia


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## Prodigal

First, block Mr. Horn Dog on your phone. Problem solved there.

Second, find out if there are Meetup groups in your area. We have a number of them that meet for everything from hiking to vegetarian dining. As a rule, they meet once a week and folks of all ages get to know one another doing things they enjoy. Thus, there's no pressure to hook up or date anyone in the group. 

I'd avoid dating sites like the plague and instead develop interests and hobbies I can share with other people. JMO.


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## EleGirl

Hello Amelia, welcome to TAM!

I think that in today's dating environment, your issues are very common. It's easy to meet people using dating apps. It's not easy to meet people you would want to have anything to do with.

How did you meet this guy who has been asking for boob pictures? 

"He can't date me per se because it would be a conflict of interest with his job." Let's see, he cannot date you because it would be a conflect of interest for his job." So how is it not a conflict of interest of interest for his job to send to ****pics and try to use you as a friend with benefits? He's telling you that he does not want to be seen with you in public and just wants to sneak around with you and use you for sex. It does not sound like you are looking to be used this way. 

I have to ask, why are you still talking to this guy? Were I you, I would send them a text message and/or email telling him something like _"I'm not looking for what your offering. Please do not contact me again."_ And then I would block his phone and his email.

As long as you reply to his emails/texts, he think that you are flirting with him, playing coy, and completely into him. The only way to stop this is for you to stop it.


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## EleGirl

Prodigal said:


> First, block Mr. Horn Dog on your phone. Problem solved there.
> 
> Second, find out if there are Meetup groups in your area. We have a number of them that meet for everything from hiking to vegetarian dining. As a rule, they meet once a week and folks of all ages get to know one another doing things they enjoy. Thus, there's no pressure to hook up or date anyone in the group.
> 
> I'd avoid dating sites like the plague and instead develop interests and hobbies I can share with other people. JMO.


:iagree:

From all I've read about dating sites, I would not use one. Instead get active in things that have both men and women involved. https://meetup.com is a very good place to get started. There are probably tons of meetups where you live. Join some that interest you. There will be plenty of single men on at these events. Make friends first. Let romances grow from friendships. It's the healthiest way to do this.


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## EleGirl

Amelia75 said:


> As most of you can relate, you are a single parent. Parenting solo obviously comes with challenges and joys... There is not a day that goes by; however, that I am so grateful to have full custody. I am blessed to be a mama to my kids.


Does your ex have any time at all with your child(ren)? If so how much time every week?


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## Mr.Married

Wow. Ya know I’ve heard some of the girls here mention that stuff in passing but I never understood it was that common. 

On another note if you ever engage in such behavior just make sure that the persons name in your contact list isn’t right next to someone detrimental.....in my case my mother and my wife but that is a story for another time.

Anyhow..... isn’t there something called Events and Adventures. Live humans and the men are unlikely to whip it out.

Here is an idea. I’m a pilot for fun so I spend a good bit of time around small airports. There seem to be a number of single men in this hobby and most of them obviously with finances to do such a thing. Find out if there are any events upcoming and maybe you could take a visit....or get a ride in the sky.


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## lifeistooshort

I met my guy at a cycling club. Spent a fair amount of time getting to know him.

The anonymous nature of the internet makes it easy for creeps to come out. But it would be harder for a guy in a club where everyone knows him to send **** pics....everyone would find out.

Most men I know in my running and cycling groups are pretty normal., and all of the single ones are looking. As soon as I got divorced several expressed interest, but I had started seeing my current guy and I'm not one to date around.

If he doesn't work out men will show up again.

Try a club. Like ele said I've heard meetup is good. One of my running friends met his gf there....he's 51 and I think she's 53.


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## SpinyNorman

lifeistooshort said:


> I met my guy at a cycling club. Spent a fair amount of time getting to know him.
> 
> The anonymous nature of the internet makes it easy for creeps to come out. But it would be harder for a guy in a club where everyone knows him to send **** pics....everyone would find out.
> 
> Most men I know in my running and cycling groups are pretty normal., and all of the single ones are looking. As soon as I got divorced several expressed interest, but I had started seeing my current guy and I'm not one to date around.
> 
> If he doesn't work out men will show up again.
> 
> Try a club. Like ele said I've heard meetup is good. One of my running friends met his gf there....he's 51 and I think she's 53.


Yes, the internet lets jerks get away w/ stuff that would have consequences IRL.

Even if the people on OLD aren't jerks, if they aren't right for you it ends there. People in a club might introduce you to someone they know.


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## uhtred

I'm in your age group and I've had female friends complain about the same sort of issues on dating sites. Seems to be a widespread problem. I think you have to be very thick skinned and willing to dump / drop anyone who behaves in a way that you don't like.

You said you like travel. Maybe there are travel groups catering to singles? It seems that having a reason to spend time with someone before actually dating might help.

I haven't dated in, well more than 30 years, so I'm probably completely clueless about what its like these days. Ignoring my ignorance, is it possible to adjust your picture on dating sites to possibly get better matches? A picture that is aiming to be sexy, but shows you something interesting, might attract better matched men. 

Its difficult though. I think there are interesting men out there, but the obnoxious ones are more likely to spam lots of women in an attempt to get responses, so you may have to look for a while.

Does general social media work? Find friends of friends etc - find people who are interesting and single, get to know something about them before you ever get close to actually dating. 


I wish online dating worked better - It think the company that figures out how to do it right will become very wealthy


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## StillSearching

The grass is hardly ever greener.
I'd stay off of internet sites/phone apps, if you want a real relationship.

Work on being the best you you can be....The best way to catch the best fish is to be the best bait.


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## arbitrator

* @Amelia75 ~ I recommend that you drop him like a hot rock!

You deserve someone who thoroughly respects you!*


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## Mr. Nail

Everytime the thought of going back on the market stumbles onto the stage of my mind, something like this comes along to remind me why I am where I am. thanks for the reconfirmation.


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## She'sStillGotIt

LOL...this complete douche bag can't 'date' you because he's more than likely *married*. I highly doubt it's due to any professional conflict of interest. He probably lied to you about his profession anyway. 

If I had a dime for every gravy-sucking married pig on a dating site pretending to be single or divorced, I'd be rich.

The wife won't let him out on Saturday nights is the REAL issue. But he's willing to sneak away for a couple of hours and meet you at the No-Tell Motel if it means he's gonna get himself some strange. 

Just block the mouth-breather and be done with him. He'll just find someone else to bother while his wife is doing the dinner dishes.

PS - what about MeetUp? Is that still a thing?


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## FeministInPink

@Amelia75 Gurl, block this guy already. No sense on continuing contact with him. You have better things to do with your time.

Come over the the Singles of TAM thread, where we dish about dating and the other trials of post-divorce single life. You can find the thread in the "Life After Divorce" sub-forum.

Meanwhile... dating apps can be a chore. They work great for some women, not so great for others. I second the recommendation for getting out and being more social via Meetup.com --lots of activities on there and you can make new friends, and maybe you'll meet a man of interest when you're out pursuing an activity you enjoy.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

@Amelia75

How's it going? Just checking in on you.


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## MattMatt

How about old fashioned penpals?


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## EleGirl

MattMatt said:


> How about old fashioned penpals?


Did old fashioned penpals send **** pics? LOL

My son (30) says that the trend on some texting apps is to send the "obligatory **** pic". He does not. But sometimes a woman will ask him for one. So he sends them a picture of Richard Nixon. He says that that pretty much weeds out the women who have no sense of humor.

He's my kid... what can I say?


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## Adelais

EleGirl said:


> Did old fashioned penpals send **** pics? LOL
> 
> My son (30) says that the trend on some texting apps is to send the "obligatory **** pic". He does not. But sometimes a woman will ask him for one. So he sends them a picture of Richard Nixon. He says that that pretty much weeds out the women who have no sense of humor.
> 
> He's my kid... what can I say?


It is hard to believe that a woman would ask for a **** pick. I guess that is what my mother was referring to when she used to tell me that there are women, and then there are ladies.


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## Casual Observer

What happened to flirting? What happened to the idea that what's behind the curtain could be something amazing but you'll have to earn the big reveal? I don't get this at all. If I were on the dating scene I'd want to imagine what's underneath, not be shown beforehand. I'd want to peel away the layers while establishing a relationship, get to know the person better, engage the imagination. If I wanted to look at naked pictures of women, there are plenty of places to do that. If someone leads with pictures like that, what is that saying? That's the best thing about them? Don't get me wrong; I'm not downplaying an intimate future. But this isn't how I'd go about it.


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## sa58

Dating sites and the internet. Nope.
Anything can be faked. You talk to
them online and can't wait to meet them.
Then you do, what a let down. Lies.

It might take some time but meeting real
people, in person is better. You can then 
judge for yourself. Other people can also 
tell you about that person.


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## Mr. Nail

I'm actually a big proponent of building a relationship before getting sexual. I also believe that building a relationship takes more than 3 dates. But I really have to wonder. . . if a man were to turn down an initiation 3 times wouldn't the woman (any woman, any man, anyone they talk to) just assume that the guy was homosexual? Not disrespecting homosexuals, but it does seem to be the go to assumption. And (this is the important question) where does that leave future possibilities for the budding relationship? I just can't figure out how it could ever work for anyone.


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## Ursula

Hmmm, I’ve used Match.com, eHarmony and Bumble. Personally, I would stay away from Match; they bought out Tinder and PoF in the last little while, and boy are there a lot of kooks. At least, that’s what I had found. eHarmony is expensive, but you may get people who are a little more serious about what they’re looking for and a little less flakey. I didn’t have a lot of luck on it, but have known people who have. Bumble is where I had the most luck and met the nicest men. I should note that I’m 41, not exactly a spring chicken when it comes to dating!

With Bumble, it puts control in the hands of the women, which I don’t think men like all that much, but I loved it. It was nice that men could view my profile and “like” it, and I could see that, but we wouldn’t be matched until I liked their profile back. Then, the woman has 24 hours to message the man; the man cannot message you until you send an initial one. So, you don’t get a bunch of guys sending you inappropriate things because you can really weed them out beforehand. I mean, it still happens, just not nearly as often. 

Honestly, OLD isn’t fun; it’s a lot of hard work of weeding through profiles, going on a lot of initial meetups, but it can be worth it in the end. I was online for about 1.5 years, and had met upwards of probably 150 men before I met my current SO who is wonderful. So, all the not-so-fun times that I had online were definitely worth it to me, and I’d do it again to find someone like my SO. 

Block the dude who keeps sending you inappropriate photos. Some people just don’t understand no matter how many times you tell them!


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