# Husband wants divorce after visiting in-laws. Help!



## kjp1984 (Mar 31, 2009)

Hello

Well, I'll try to make a long story as short as possible. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we informally separated last may. We decided that we needed some time to live apart. However, we still spent a lot of time together during this separation. We had our ups and downs. We would fight about things that we were trying to get resolved. We would go a week or two without seeing each other, but we would always end up talking again and spending time with one another. We spent all the holidays with one another and we were trying to move forward with our life together. In January, he moved in with me at my parents house until we could find an apartment. I thought all was well. We moved into an apartment together in February. After two weeks, he decided to ask me to move back out because he thought we jumped into living back together too soon. I obliged, very upset, and decided to actually take this time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life since it didn't seem like we could move forward. Before I moved out, he made plans to visit his mother in maryland for his birthday. She doesn't see him much and wanted him to come alone to spend some quality time with him, which was fine with me. Two weeks after he asked me to move out (and then proceeded to beg me to give another chance) I drove him to the airport. He gave me this wonderful letter telling me how much he loved me, wanted to start our family together, and would do whatever it takes to fix us. He kissed me goodbye, told me how much he loved me, and said he would miss me. I sent him txt messages while he was away to let him know i was thinking of him and i wished him a happy birthday. I didn't want to tie up all his time with his mother. After the second day there, he wasn't answering my texts. I picked him up at the airport on sunday and he was acting strangely. He told me on the car ride home that was considering moving to Maryland to get a job where his mom works with the government. He then told me he knew that I didn't want to go (which I don't) and that he couldn't see how this was going to move any farther. Now for the last two weeks, he has flip flopped between showing up at my parents house to have me sign divorce papers to asking me to come over and talk to prove to each other that we can be different and be together. 

All of this gets a lot worse because his family has always been in our business from day one. His aunt is like a second mother who raised him from when he was 13 when his mom moved away. They always would get into the middle of our fights and try to mediate. At first, I thought and appreciated them trying to be helpful and bring to the table both sides...now its so different. When we first separated, his aunt told everyone in the family that we were getting a divorce. It was so nice when I went to one of their family barbeques and his grandfather stated that he now had now married grandchildren and his grandmother asked me why i was there. Throughout the course of our separation, they have asked him if he needs help getting a divorce everytime we would have a rough patch. They also constantly call him to check on how he is doing and bail him out of every situation he gets himself in to. His aunt helped him pay his rent when he asked me to move out and then tried to blame me for stealing his money because he couldn't afford his bills. Now since he has been home from his moms, She has blocked my number from his cell phone ( he is on her plan) so that I cant send him texts or call him. She found out I was at his apartment one day this weekend and called him repeatedly until he answered. She proceeded to scream what the [email protected]*! is going on? Why are you even talking to her. Then he asked me to leave so that he could call her back and that he would call me later to come back over. I didn't go back I was so mad. Now if I come over, no one can know about it. I am so angry that he would do this. We are trying to work things out and he is letting them influence them. He won't tell them to mind their own business. He won't stick up for me. I asked him what the big deal was if they found out I was over and I told him how it hurt me to have my number blocked. He said its no big deal. He says "I just don't want to hear it from them" and that I am making this a bigger deal then it is. I love him but what am I supposed to do when he lets everyone in his family decide how we are going to live? How am I suppose to deal with that fact that he would rather argue with me about them when we are supposed to be working on us then argue about me to them?? How do I stayed married to someone when everyone in his family hates me and wants us to get a divorce? Another funny thing is that he can't even get that job at his mom's work because he requires the use of a firearm for training or on the job duty and he is not allowed to possess or use a firearm for the rest of his life. Its they were filling his head with bullsh*t just to get him to want to be away from me. I am so mad and confused. Advice please... I'm falling apart


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Both of you sound really young. If you don't enjoy the in-laws now, you might want to consider leaving. That aspect isn't going to improve. As far as your husband goes, he doesn't know what he wants in life and apparently has no backbone where his family is concerned. Have you tried couple's counseling?


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## kjp1984 (Mar 31, 2009)

He says he doesn't want to go because it is a waste of money for someone to tell him that he does everything wrong.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I wouldn't tolerate his mistreatment, abandonment, and horrible way he is letting his family treat you, one moment longer.

You need to move on, that's my opinion. Think about what he's put you through already, and really consider if this is something that will work. I have a feeling you already know the answer.

I'd get out. That's me though. I wouldn't tolerate a husband who acts like a 7th grader that is dating me, then getting grounded and not allowed to speak to me. You're his wife for pete's sake. And he lets his mommy tell him, when he can, or can't speak to you? 

Something Really really wrong with this picture.

As I said, I would not tolerate this crap one more day. 

Update us if you can. Good luck....

ps... don't forget, you're worth a Whole lot more than this. No one deserves to be treated like this. What he's doing to you, is Shameful....


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## kjp1984 (Mar 31, 2009)

I forgot to mention this in the previous post... he asked me to spend this week with him and we would prove to eachother if we really loved one another and were meant to be together. After a couple of days, I found that what he really meant was prove to me that your worth me sticking around and do as much of that as you can through physical interaction. Basically, he stays the same and I am expected to be a different person to prove that I am worth him wanting to be married to me. This really hurt and when I realized what was going on I cried and cried. I had a long talk with my dad and i came to the realization that I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone for them to love. If you love someone, you love them. It seems to simple but its what it boils down to. I don't deserve to be treated like i can't be myself in order to convince someone that they should want to be with me. It hurts and every day is a struggle to believe that because I love him, but in my heart i know its the truth. Today I called him and told him that it came down to this, I shouldn't have to prove to you that I am worth your love. I deserve to be with someone who loves me for exactly who I am. I shouldn't have to try to be someone that I am not to convince someone that they love me. I am not going to hide from your family any longer and I am not going to only work on me so you can stay exactly the same. I love you but I want you to love me for what i am not what you want me to be.

I am going to try really hard not to talk to him anymore. Its a struggle because I miss his voice and all the small things that were our life. But when it comes down to it, we don't have any of the things that makes a healthy marriage or relationship. There is no trust, honesty, or respect. Even though all the small things that I miss like getting a hug when I come home from work and laughing at stupid shows together really break me, I know that I don't want to be anyone but myself and I want to be loved unconditionally for exactly who i am, flaws and all!


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Good for You! Your Dad is right. 

You can do so much better. He is being emotionally abusive, and hiding the fact that his Own Wife is in his apartment? that is just nuts...

I have to be honest. It seems to me like he's married to his mom, and can't be a husband to anyone, including you.

You will find someone again, that will hug you when you come home, and love, and kiss you, and Proudly take you on his arm and respect you, and stand up to his family if they ever disrespect you.

Please don't waste another minute on him. That is my advice.

Let us know how it goes.


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

Once you start proving to him, he will only start expecting more of the same from u, but never accept wht u r doing to him.

Believe me, I am going thru the same thing. No respect, trust or honesty in this relationship. Tried all the tricks he wanted from me only to end up in the end being told that -- u r so untrue, i m sure u have something to hide or there is something that u want from me and that's why u do all this for me!!!


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

Walk away now and don't look back. It's unlikely to get any better.

My mother in law was/is a lot like yours. My husband was and is tied to her apron strings at 40 years old. She never liked me, and she enabled his lies and affairs and everything that would pull him away from me. Every time anything went wrong in her household she would be on the phone begging him to come live with them until it was resolved. When I was at her house she would verbally attack me, sometimes viciously, with no reason whatsoever. She treated her other daughter in law the same way but my brother in law wouldn't put up with it and moved all the way across the country to get away from her and went no contact with her. I give her a large part of the blame in the failure of my marriage.


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