# Is the 'happy' long marriage just a fairytale?



## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

I've been reading alot of threads here and I'm starting to think that maybe our idea of being happily married is warped.There are couples everywhere complaining about xyz in their marriage. I think there is no marriage where one or both spouses can be truly happy, as in 100% happy like most want to be. It seems like at least one or both spouses are miserable.For those who have been in marriages for years, one or both of the spouses were silently suffering and just sucking it up for the kids and whatever else for whatever reason. Maybe everyone is being unrealistic, maybe we can't be all the way happy in the marriage and even if we are maybe our spouse is miserable. With all the compromises and sacrifices, how can it be so? What do you guys think?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think that this is not a good forum for finding information about happy marriages. Most people join a forum like this because they are unhappy. Please don't take the stories here as evidence--this is a self-selected survey, so to speak, and its "results" are highly biased.

I think there can be happy marriages--but not necessarily one's first marriage or only marriage. The high divorce rate testifies to that. What I've seen is that when people use divorce to help them grow, they end up a lot happier alone or with a better relationship than the one that ended. 

Some people are going to have good marriages--and although people think it is all about the work you do, I tend to think there is a certain element of luck. Given how hard it is to find someone with whom you can grow in complementary directions, luck seems a likely factor.


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I think you can get a skewed view by reading too many threads here and thinking it is a representative cross section of marriage in general. Keep in mind the audience that is attracted here.

There are some good ideas here as well, no doubt about it... But I wouldn't extrapolate too much from the distillation of issues on display.

And I think you are totally wrong. There are plenty of couples, first timers, long timers, that would rate themselves as 'very happy'. I'd consider myself in that group, as are many of my friends.

As with most things in life, it's a bit of a mixed bag... but far from the hopeless disaster you suggest. IMHO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I partially agree. I am increasingly convinced that at least 30% of the people who are currently getting married should never consider it in their lifetime. I think it is an equal number for both men and women. Even then I think there would still be divorces but just not as high a percentage.

HOWEVER, it is important to remember when you are at a site like this, that the posters are not representative of typical marriages. Most people, like me, come here because there is some issue. Lots of people are sickeningly happy for decades


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

The important thing to remember is people who have been together for a long time have gone through there own share of troubles. That is life. I think at times yes you have to sacrifice for the other person but if you love them it's not always such a heavy burden to do that. You can sacrifice things for their happiness and vice versa and it doesn't have to make you miserable.
Long term marriages - happy ones - seem to stem from the understanding that happy doesn't mean perfect. Give and take, ups and down. They love each other so they find a way to make their lives compatible and work. That to me is pure magic. I think that if you can find that right person for you, it can be a happily ever after fairytale.


----------



## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Gosh, I hope I didn't offend anyone by asking. I asked because well I'm unhappy too, that why I'm here. Not only that, but I know so many people in my personal life who aren't either. After talking with my mom today, I figured that maybe I'm asking too much out of my marriage. She seems to think I am.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

tiredwife&sahm said:


> Gosh, I hope I didn't offend anyone by asking. I asked because well I'm unhappy too, that why I'm here. Not only that, but I know so many people in my personal life who aren't either. After talking with my mom today, I figured that maybe I'm asking too much out of my marriage. She seems to think I am.


I think the question is a good one and one that a lot of people ask today. Nobody here should be getting offended it wasn't a personal attack on anybody or their marriages or anyone's, merely a question. Sometimes tones come through words when people get passionate and sometimes take things to heart.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Who's ever happy OP?. Being in a relationship doesn't mean your life will radically transform into this fairytale as you put it. Infact it's the exact opposite. The benefits of being in a marriage is that you have that someone to cling on to while you weather the storm. 

People get too comfortable around each and start neglecting their spouses' needs. They may inherit traits that weren't present during the courtship period and that would lead to resentment and animosity. There's a remedy to every ailment if people really want to fix the position they're in.


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Happiness is very possible in a long term marriage, tiredwife. I'm on year twenty-one and happy and in love. We have our moments...dh was being a b*tthead just last night in fact...who isn't at times?

I discovered these forums and started hanging out here because the threads are interesting, I've been through a few things that might help others, and some of the comments are downright hilarious. I've already identified the posters whose sense of humor is right up my alley.

I think many people get married thinking it's going to be sex, roses and chocolate twenty-four hours a day. It's work, and it takes both people wanting it to work for it TO work. It really is a job sometimes. But a good marriage is worth striving for.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Happiness comes largely from inside yourself. People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. I know a lot of people who would be considered to be less fortunate in life who are happy, and I also know a lot of people who would b considered very fortunate who are unhappy.

A lot of happiness comes from expectations. When our expectations are met, we are happy. When our expectations are not met, we aren't happy. If you expect your husband to bring you flowers every day and he never does it on Tuesday, you are unhappy. If you never expect your husband to bring you flowers and he does it once in a while, you are happy.

It is unrealistic to believe your spouse will make you happy but it seems many people expect it. They don't expect to go through life happy because they have a certain dad, or mom, or brother, or sister, but they do expect it from their spouse. Just like you have to learn to live with and accept the shortcomings of other family members, you have to do the same with your spouse. The two big differences with your spouse and the ones that everyone is here writing about are sex and fidelity.

I do believe there are plenty of long marriages where people are happy. These are the marriages with no major problems regarding sex and fidelity and where the partners have realistic expectations of each other.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Happiness comes largely from inside yourself. People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. I know a lot of people who would be considered to be less fortunate in life who are happy, and I also know a lot of people who would b considered very fortunate who are unhappy.
> 
> A lot of happiness comes from expectations. When our expectations are met, we are happy.



Didn't some guy sitting under a tree once say something like the cause of suffering is desire


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I are both truly happy. We have been married 12 years, together 13 without any problems. We are in love, our best friends and we compliment each other very well. 

My husband is the nice guy type and I'm the nice girl type. We work at our marriage 50/50 on meeting each others needs. We agree on just about everything, we have the same values/morals. We parent the same, ect... 

We tell each other thank you and how much we appreciate each other. We say "I love you" several times a day, it never gets old, we never run out of things to talk about and we talk through out the day every day and night. We have a very healthy intimate life. We hold hands every night. We are emotionally and physically connected.

Yes, a couple can truly be happy in the long run. If we made it 12/13 years like this, I see us lasting happily for life.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I very much believe in Deeply satisfying marraiges ...for life... I feel me & mine are living this. But true, even the happiest among us.....have had their share of mistakes along the way.... 

I was missing it in the past sexually (due to getting hung up & basketcased over infertility ....then too many kids in a short span of time, add some repression on top of that) to FEED all of my husbands sexual needs, then add to the mix his Overly sensitive Passiveness to boot, it wasn't the best mix ... Sex is the only thing we didn't talk about in our marraige. That was a grave grave mistake & very foolish of us. 

Since we have opened the dialog on these things a few yrs ago, I have come to realize how pathetically I was missing him, missing us... I was taking my husband for granted (too many women do this, but men also do this).... which I want to kick myself for over & over & over again. 

Now we got it all together...I just wish I could go back in time & relive those years...He has what he always wanted and I have what I didn't realize I was missing all along. It's a beautiful thing.... it renews our love every day and keeps us on a steady "marital high". 

Every couple has some issues in their marriage.......I constructed a thread with everything I want to teach my children before they marry ....also once married ... to identify your issues and turn it around.... It helps to understand each other "inside & out" ...before going in...it could save alot of heartache down the road....

I read alot here -it seems the same issues are revisited time & time again....I tried to cover, with a list ...EVERY ISSUE the majority of us struggle with. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html



> *Lionelhutz said*: Didn't some guy sitting under a tree once say something like the cause of suffering is desire


 Unfullfilled desires .... would make a whole lotta sense to me. So to find common ground , some acceptable balance that each's desires are met within the marriage... this should be our goal , it sounds so simple I know.....but it takes 2 or one will continue to suffer. 

To be compatible... oh how this helps...to find LIFE and JOY in this thing we call "marraige".


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Yes, "Happily ever after" only comes at the end of fairy tales.

Marriage is a ton of work. It can be the most frustrating, nerve wracking, anger producing thing you will ever do. It means that sometimes you have to stand your ground through a nuclear war, while at other times you have to stop mid argument and openly admit that your position is wrong.

It means having rich times and broke times. Generous times and selfish times. It means taking somebody else's joy away or having your's taken from you.

It means sacrifice and compromise.

It is a job you work at 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

The only people that say your marriage will always be happy have Cinderella's castle sitting in their front yard.

That is the price you pay for the loyalty, love, admiration, dedication and happiness, that your spouse brings you.

There is no magic pixie dust that you can sprinkle on somebody. You need to work it, hard, every day. Marriage is like digging for gold. It is very rare that somebody finds a giant fortune under one rock. Most people need to move thousands of pounds of junk to scratch together a days pay.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

The fairytale is that a happy marriage comes easy.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm of the belief that it takes work and committment from both spouses to achieve happiness within the context of marriage. If you both desire it bad enough it is attainable. To me it's no different than losing weight. The formula is simple eat less. For marriage it's both of you learning how to spend everyday making the OTHER one's life a little better. Two way street. The problem with reading TAM is it's one sided. The miserable spouse ends up here and so that's all you read about.

That said I have a happy marriage. 21 years now.

But we put effort into it hence why I'm here. To learn.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mistys dad said:


> It is a job you work at 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
> 
> The only people that say your marriage will always be happy have Cinderella's castle sitting in their front yard.


We do not look at our marraige like this at all ...and I am very very realistic. I ditched religion because I am too much of a realist. I guess the joy in romance makes up for it . 

We've never looked at our marriage as "work", it is very free flowing. Even in the past, we wouldn't have thought it was work, though he should have put a little more "work" into it, he made it too easy for me. 

It comes down to...are you truly compatible, cause TRUE, we are all selfish, so to be matched with someone who has the same selfish desires as you do....this is the key. I often think If I was married to someone else, I'd probably drive them crazy....I enjoy alot of closeness with my spouse, and if my husband was married to someone else, she'd probably take him more for granted -even more than I ever did. He is a on the Beta side, a homebuddie, & could stand to be a little more talkative. But all of that works for me.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

My husband and I have been happily married for 34 years. I understand how you think it is not possible to have a happy marriage because you cannot see how you and your husband can be happy.

I think the most important thing is to pick the right person. You must complement each other. Your strengths and weaknesses must balance each other so that you form a strong team.

You both must want to be married. This means being willing to think "we," not "me." You must understand each other's needs, and be willing to meet those needs. Not everyone has the right personality to join with another person, especially an alien from the opposite sex.

When things get tough and you think to yourself, "Why the hell did I ever marry this person?", you must be willing to discuss resentments, swallow your pride, and realize that the two of you are stronger together than you would be alone. 

Our society emphasizes the giddy rush of new romance, but we do not have many stories about how to sustain love. Marriage is the best thing that I have found that has helped me to grow emotionally. I have had to come kicking and screaming out of my narrow world, and allow another person to lovingly help me to see my faults.

I love being married. I love having someone who can see right through me, and yet loves the view.

I wish you well on your marital journey. It is possible to be happy, but both spouses must want to serve each other.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We've never looked at our marriage as "work", it is very free flowing.


Same here! It's amazing how well my husband and I get along. We were truly meant for each other.

When we did the pre marriage test in the church, the pastor compared our tests and asked us if we "cheated".LOL. It was impossible, we were in both separate rooms. Every single question on this 3-4 page test was answered the exact same. He said in the 20 years of being a pastor he'd never seen this.

My husband and I have the same exact views about everything. We are together as one. We make a great team and we compromise very well.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

The story behind the fairytales ....


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't think happy marriages only exist in fairytales, but I do think they are the minority in the society. 

If you are among the minority, you are lucky! 

If you are not among the minority, you are one of the many. I can guarantee your case is not the worst. 

Getting along with people for a life long time is difficult. How many life long friends do we have considering so many people we have met in our life? 

So we know the chance of having a happy marriage. 

We are human, humans are imperfect. We are all struggling with different personality problems. While we are dealing with our spouses' imperfection, we have our own imperfection to work on. If your spouse is a more balanced person, it means you struggle less, but you still have your own problems to struggle with. Sometimes your spouse might be the main problem of your unhappy marriage, sometimes it might be you. Very often two people are struggling and they don't know how to communicate with each other. 

A lot of members who have happy marriages have given very good advice. You have to be compatible, you have to be giving, you have to be mature, and etc.

When you happen to meet the right person, it's true that there isn't much work. You just get along naturally. But what's the chance of meeting the right person? I think it's like winning a lottery. I do agree the percentage is higher than winning a lottery. 

My first marriage failed. I was too immature and got married without much thinking. 

My second marriage is a success. I am lucky to meet the right man who also has a very good personality. And he helped me shape my personality and achieve peace in life.


----------



## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

No, it's not a fairytale, but anyone who says it can be done without hard work, compromise, work on one's own issues, understanding and periods of 'crossing the desert', is lying. No relationship - be it family, friendship, spiritual or romantic - is without its shares of ups and downs. 

I married last year. My mother, who has been married to my father 46 years, said to me - remember that you'll not always be happy, and there will be times when you are not in love at exactly the same moment: but if you put him first and he puts you first, if you are both sensitive to the other's feelings and if you take a long-term view, then you can work most things out. She also reminded me that simply because I was getting married didn't mean I stopped being responsible for my own happiness. I can't depend on someone else to 'make me happy.' I can only ask that he behave in such a way that he doesn't make it difficult for me to be happy (and vice-versa, of course.)


That said, some people aren't very good at being married - they are too selfish, self-centred and insensitive. They hog all the attention, they don't listen, they are abusive and emotionally vampirise others. Marriages with such individuals are probably never happy.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm very happily married. We've been together for 20 years.

I'm married to my best friend. It doesn't feel like _work_ to be married to him, but I know what other posters mean by "work". You constantly have to tweak things in the marriage to keep it going. You can't put it on auto-pilot. It's easy to put it on auto-pilot to focus on the children, their needs, your job, your aging parents or whatever else, but your marriage will suffer and you'll find both of you have grown apart. Pretty soon, a colleague, a neighbor, a parent on your child's sports team will look pretty good to you. 

Some people aren't meant to be married. If a person knows that he or she can't be sexually monogamous for life or knows he or she is too self-focused, don't get married. Not everyone has to get married. 

It helps to be a big picture person so that you don't get stuck in the nitty gritty, day to day details that make you lose sight of why you got married in the first place. Marriage takes effort. There are times when you wonder why you ever married the other person. Both spouses need to be committed to the commitment they made on their wedding day. Monogamy is a choice that you make every day. A good marriage requires two people who are willing to decide again and again to stay with each and do the work to keep the marriage going.

Google John Gottman. He has traits of successful and unsuccessful marriages. It's very interesting reading.


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Like the saying goes, in every relationship, there is always one person who is more in love than their partner. It's never mutual. Anyone who believes that it can be may be delusional, or very fortunate/lucky that they have found their ultimate compliment. So that can also be applied to the happiness. One person is always more happy than the other. Never exactly 50/50. And its usually the partner that does the most comprimising that is the least happy of the 2.


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Same here! It's amazing how well my husband and I get along. We were truly meant for each other.
> 
> When we did the pre marriage test in the church, the pastor compared our tests and asked us if we "cheated".LOL. It was impossible, we were in both separate rooms. Every single question on this 3-4 page test was answered the exact same. He said in the 20 years of being a pastor he'd never seen this.
> 
> My husband and I have the same exact views about everything. We are together as one. We make a great team and we compromise very well.


But SA, even with this never before seen score in the marriage test, there were still issues. Which is why it leads me to believe that there is always someone more in love with the other person in a marriage. In your case, I think your husband is, as he stuck it out regardless of your early rejections. Doesn't mean you don't love him, just that he may love you more. Count those lucky stars, lol.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

hazelgrove said:


> no, it's not a fairytale, but anyone who says it can be done without hard work, compromise, work on one's own issues, understanding and periods of 'crossing the desert', is lying.


amen!!!


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Which is why it leads me to believe that there is always someone more in love with the other person in a marriage.


If this is true, I think you married the wrong person. There are times when one person carries the other, when you have to help each other through difficulties. I see marriage as a partnership where each person brings his strengths to the relationship. If one loves more than the other, the imbalance will eventually sink the marriage dynamic. Putting your spouse on a pedestal sets the stage for being taken advantage of, as many of the complaints on TAM indicate.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mikeydread1982 said:


> But SA, even with this never before seen score in the marriage test, there were still issues. Which is why it leads me to believe that there is always someone more in love with the other person in a marriage. In your case, I think your husband is, as he stuck it out regardless of your early rejections. Doesn't mean you don't love him, just that he may love you more. Count those lucky stars, lol.


Was you meaning this reply to me -since it says SA ...and used ImInLoveWithMyHubby's quote by any chance MikeyDread?

My husband always did FEEL like he loved me more, he opened up about that too 3 yrs ago. Might have stemmed from me breaking up with him while dating, I don't know. .....That was a very hard time for him...even though it was very short. I was so young when we met. That experience helped me SEE what we had, I missed my best friend, I needed him. 

When I walked down that aisle, I loved him with my whole heart, I *never *had eyes for another. There was no "settling" going on.

But was that in fact true (that he loved me more) ..... I would say NO... I just got caught up in other things, other worries within the home (as us women tend to do)... had ANYTHING remotely threatened our union, I KNOW ME VERY WELL......It would have lit a flame under me to please him, win him back....he really treated me "too good" considering. I never had a low sex drive- which is the most rediculous thing about all of this. 



> * lovesherman said*: Putting your spouse on a pedestal sets the stage for being taken advantage of


 This is exactly what my husband did...and I guess I responded in the normal manner, didn't I ! To some degree anyway... it was never that bad...nothing to compare to the majority of stories I read here.

He still puts me on a pedestal .... but at least now HE is right up there with me.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Like the saying goes, in every relationship, there is always one person who is more in love than their partner. It's never mutual. Anyone who believes that it can be may be delusional, or very fortunate/lucky that they have found their ultimate compliment. So that can also be applied to the happiness. One person is always more happy than the other. Never exactly 50/50. And its usually the partner that does the most comprimising that is the least happy of the 2.


I don't like this... it makes me bristle.
But I believe it.

My H has told me he feels he loves me more than i love him.
He thinks I married down.:scratchhead: I don't agree...never have...never will!

But knowing this I know my H will do anything for me, anytime I ask him. It puts me in a more powerful situation in the relationship and i make a point of not abusing that. I hate the idea that this makes him less happy than me though...

We've been together 25 years and his happiness is hugely important to me.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

waiwera said:


> But knowing this I know my H will do anything for me, anytime I ask him. It puts me in a more powerful situation in the relationship and i make a point of not abusing that. I hate the idea that this makes him less happy than me though...
> 
> We've been together 25 years and his happiness is hugely important to me.


But you are not abusing it -- so then this would make him the happiest man in the world. So it's all good. :smthumbup: When you hear a husband uplifting and singing the praises of his wife over himself...and she is doing the same thing... It is a testimoney of true combatabilty, romantic chemistry, and a humble appreciation of what the other brings to your life....To be loved like that ...and give back because you want to with everything in you....it is the most amazing feeling on the face of the earth.... but if your lover dies, you will want to die along side them. 

I always say my husband is the "wind beneath my wings"....I shudder to even think where my life would be had I let him go and married another. I have thought about that & feel it would have tormented me if so...I could see me trying to reconnect on FB or something to lure him back.. it just wouldn't have been good at all.


----------



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Our notion of "happiness" is a fairly sophisticated one native to the developed world. In many parts of the world, and throughout history, "happiness" meant having food to eat for that day. A "happy marriage" might have been one where the husband doesn't beat you. Or it might have meant little more than a marriage that produced children. I'm not sure the happiness espoused by our culture & promoted by the media is even attainable.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

isla~mama said:


> Our notion of "happiness" is a fairly sophisticated one native to the developed world. In many parts of the world, and throughout history, "happiness" meant having food to eat for that day. A "happy marriage" might have been one where the husband doesn't beat you. Or it might have meant little more than a marriage that produced children. I'm not sure the happiness espoused by our culture & promoted by the media is even attainable.


Good Point. When people start to talk about "normal" in terms of human relationships or mental states of being, it is so important to remember just how extraordinary our current time is.

In a very real way we are not evolved to handle our current state of existence.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> Yes, "Happily ever after" only comes at the end of fairy tales.
> 
> *
> Marriage is a ton of work.* It can be the most frustrating, nerve wracking, anger producing thing you will ever do. It means that sometimes you have to stand your ground through a nuclear war, while at other times you have to stop mid argument and openly admit that your position is wrong.
> ...


My gosh, That's the most tiring thing I've ever read in my life. No, my marriage isn't a "job" I work at 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days/year. As a matter of fact, that kind of idea is exactly what I was talking about in this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/39224-not-committed-marriage-article-man-giving-mans-perspective.html. If I thought about it the way you do, there is no way I would have ever gotten married, much less stuck with it for 27 years.

OP, We are at 27 years, and are very happy. We've had our tough times along the way, but were committed to each other (not marriage - that's still a HUGE difference in my mind). I'm very much in love with that lady. I'm still improving as a husband, but that's easy to be motivated to do when I stay focused on the lady I'm married to.

Life hits you hard sometimes ... parent's get cancer, spouses get depressed when parents die, kids become rebellious ... you go through it together, and at some point, you realize that through it all, you've had a wonderful partner, and all in all, it's been a good life. Granted, you have to really have a good partner to stop and realize that, but yes, it's possible. When the good times come, you don't waste them thinking about the bad times because that makes all the times bad. You live them and enjoy them together. For many of us, when we look back, we have to admit that we had bad times and we are glad we had each other during those times, then we remember those indescribably wonderful moments together: When we found our first child was on the way; when each of our children were born; when we went to their graduations; those wonderful vacations; those church trips together; and even those nights of passion and abandonment with each other, etc., etc. There is nobody else I have those memories to share with, and when we stop and consider it all together, we have to say it has been very, very good as a whole.

If I had to do it all again, knowing everything I know now, I'd choose the same lady, and although we got married quickly the last time, I'd ask her to marry me even quicker this time. She says the same to me, and looking in her eyes, I believe her. It's been a wonderful first 27 years, and I'm really looking forward to however many more we have together.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I very much believe in Deeply satisfying marraiges ...for life... I feel me & mine are living this. But true, even the happiest among us.....have had their share of mistakes along the way....
> 
> I was missing it in the past sexually (due to getting hung up & basketcased over infertility ....then too many kids in a short span of time, add some repression on top of that) to FEED all of my husbands sexual needs, then add to the mix his Overly sensitive Passiveness to boot, it wasn't the best mix ... Sex is the only thing we didn't talk about in our marraige. That was a grave grave mistake & very foolish of us.
> 
> ...


Ditto!


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Was you meaning this reply to me -since it says SA ...and used ImInLoveWithMyHubby's quote by any chance MikeyDread?
> 
> My husband always did FEEL like he loved me more, he opened up about that too 3 yrs ago. Might have stemmed from me breaking up with him while dating, I don't know. .....That was a very hard time for him...even though it was very short. I was so young when we met. That experience helped me SEE what we had, I missed my best friend, I needed him.
> 
> ...


SA, I probably did do that, not outside the realm of possibility with me. lol. 
But you said he did feel that way, that he loved you more. It seems to me that most women don't place that much emphasis on when they were dating their now husbands, as if the groundwork for their marriage never existed. Yes, you loved him with your whole heart going down the aisle; but before that?
It's like my wife, she keeps harping on the fact that she cheated, and it was wrong, but it was BEFORE marriage. I am a fundamentalist, the foundation that lays the ground work for the relationship is when you were dating, and I guess that's when us guys are usually most captivated and caught up and in love....more. When wedding bells ring though, those roles reverse.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mikeydread1982 said:


> SA, I probably did do that, not outside the realm of possibility with me. lol.
> But you said he did feel that way, that he loved you more. It seems to me that most women don't place that much emphasis on when they were dating their now husbands, as if the groundwork for their marriage never existed. Yes, you loved him with your whole heart going down the aisle; but before that?
> It's like my wife, she keeps harping on the fact that she cheated, and it was wrong, but it was BEFORE marriage. I am a fundamentalist, the foundation that lays the ground work for the relationship is when you were dating, and I guess that's when us guys are usually most captivated and caught up and in love....more. When wedding bells ring though, those roles reverse.


Most people do not meet their so called soul mate as early as I did.... I had no significant bf's before him that is even worth a mention, never been on a real date -like in a car --before him. 

I was very close to my Grandmother , we used to sit & talk for hours on her front porch... I had a difficult family life at home with my step mother...that was a bit of an escape for me.... she was my refuge.... she always told me , for years, beating it into my head....to make sure I "played the field" before I married (she married late in her 30's -had a wonderful marriage)....or I might regret it down the road.... that was STUCK in my brain....I considered her a woman of wisdom..... and so I felt I needed to do that -before I got married, or like she said, I might have wondered ...."What if"....

 I never lied to my bf/husband...for a second......never cheated...I was always very up front, I would never do that to hurt him..... it was just something I felt I needed to do. He knew I would never sleep with anyone - I even made him wait ! SO he never had that worry...he seemed to understand, he would have never wanted me to go into something without being 100% , if something needed let out of it's cage, the time was then. 

It worked out. You are a Fundamentalist.... You mean in the Christian sense? But you appreciate porn, isn't that an issue ??

I agree with Foundations, of course....... but before you marry....if any wild oats need sowing, it is then.... mine were very very tame indeed.











Here is my question to you.... if she did not CHEAT on you, but was humbly honest about her feelings, came to you, and said how she didn't want to hurt you, but just needed to experience a little dating (like if you was the only one she ever dated !)... would you have looked at this completely different.... I am thinking so. 

I agree with you, cheating at any time...even when dating.... a bitter bitter pill to swallow... Many do not get a 2nd chance.


----------



## BearMoose22 (Apr 13, 2012)

Marriage is work, communication, and compromise are key. That means both partners doing their fair share. I have been married 24 years...our relationship has had its ups and downs and there are times we want to strangle each other, its called being human. We are in love and so for us being without each other would be far worse than dealing with the occasional bad day together. We are not only lovers but also best friends. Maybe we are the exception...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

tiredwife&sahm said:


> I've been reading alot of threads here and I'm starting to think that maybe our idea of being happily married is warped.There are couples everywhere complaining about xyz in their marriage.



I'll tell you what, if my marriage doesn't survive (and it looks 50/50 at the moment) then I'm done. I thought I met my soul mate and was so sure we would go the distance. Everything I did wrong in my first marriage I turned around. It has been wonderful then BAM! my wife has questions about her feelings. I can't compete with that. I gave her everything in this world she could want, and asked for but I still have problems.

You can't win. Give them the world, they lose respect, give them sh!t, they lose respect. It is a game to find the balance and I am tired of playing. I am going to get myself a nice dog, focus on my kids and move on for good if things don't work out.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are no 100% "happy" marriages because they involve people and people are never 100% happy, they never agree 100% of the time, and, basically because bad crap happens. If two people could get together and be 100% happy forever (ala Cinderella), there would be no need for a marriage contract because they would just naturally stay blissfully together forever without one. There are very long, successful marriages. My grandparents have been married over 73 years. From talking to them, I gather that a successful marriage isn't one that's always happy but one in which the couple successfully weathers bad times. Basically, they last because neither quits.


----------

