# sex frequency



## nbd1582 (Sep 8, 2017)

Hi Everyone,

I'm freaking out and I think this is mega common but having sex once per week after you were doing 3-4 times per week really sucks, and I'm not handling it well. My wife lost her libido and she's super stressed out at work......which is probably why she lost her libido. It's very hard because I find my wife SUPER SUPER hot, and my libido is through the roof. Other than the wrinkles I've gotten from age 21 to 36, I stay in shape and have kept the same weight so I don't think it's that I'm not attractive to her anymore..... If I talk to her, it'll just piss her off and it'll kinda ruin the love that we have. My wife and I are very connected..... 11 years married and I love her more than ever. we have 2 kids together, and I honestly think she's hotter than ever. What do people do??!! Why doesn't she show interest in making me happy? She has to know I'm going crazy!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to talk to her about this.

I find it interesting that you are afraid to talk to her because it will piss her off. But she's ok with hurting you by not having sex with you?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you, doing date-like things... spending quality time together?

What are the things that you both do together, again just the two of you with no kids, friends or family around?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its all about compromise, can you agree on twice a week?
What is causing the stress at work? Can she look for a less stressful job? Cut her hours a bit? Get a cleaner at home? Can you do more to help her? Have a date night once a week?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You keep in shape, etc right?
How does she look? Is she over-weight, is she a hottie? (beyond just your opinion)
Has she recently lost weight?
When her sex-drive dropped, was is gradual or suddenly? ie? July = sex 4 times a week. Aug sex 1-2x a week. Sept. 1x week?
What is her profession?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She's super stressed at work, are you making sure there is no stress at home? Doing your part? Stress can be hell on a sex drive. I'd go the route of removing the stress instead of demanding the sex. 

Date nights, getting out of the house, just fun activities to get your minds off the daily grind


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Have her quit her job and become a house wife, and get her off of any birth control medications


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Housewife isn't for everyone. Many women would hate it and want their own income. Do not pressure your wife to quit her job. That'll just cause more issues.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Housewife isn't for everyone. Many women would hate it and want their own income. Do not pressure your wife to quit her job. That'll just cause more issues.


Most women hate working, but we have spent 50 yrs telling them that they should love it. The happiest women I know have part time jobs with high job satisfaction that caters towards their nurturing instincts. If they don't need the money, let her cut her responsibilitys, don't force it, just make the offer.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

All kinds of gender stereotypes in one post. Interesting. But I won't bother getting into it. 

OPs wife works. For whatever reason she has, she has a job. Most people do and you need to find ways to make home life more pleasant if your work life is stressful. There is a lot he can do to help during this time. Just looking for more sex will backfire on him. He has to fix the cause, not the symptom.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> All kinds of gender stereotypes in one post. Interesting. But I won't bother getting into it.
> 
> OPs wife works. For whatever reason she has, she has a job. Most people do and you need to find ways to make home life more pleasant if your work life is stressful. There is a lot he can do to help during this time. Just looking for more sex will backfire on him. He has to fix the cause, not the symptom.


The cause, is that she like most women, HATES FULL TIME WORKING A JOB


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DepressedHusband said:


> Most women hate working, but we have spent 50 yrs telling them that they should love it. The happiest women I know have part time jobs with high job satisfaction that caters towards their nurturing instincts. If they don't need the money, let her cut her responsibilitys, don't force it, just make the offer.


Yes of course, we women need a man to tell us what we do and don't want.

Do you realize that you in the above post, you just told a woman that she's wrong about what she as a woman wants in her life?

As a woman, I prefer to work outside the home. Most of the women I know want to work.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

the cause is stress. the symptom is low libido. And there are a lot of gender stereotypes on both sides here. This is something they need to communicate about. We are all guessing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DepressedHusband said:


> The cause, is that she like most women, HATES FULL TIME WORKING A JOB


Stop trying to tell women what we as women think, feel, etc.

It's patently untrue that most women hate working a full time job.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Stop trying to tell women what we as women think, feel, etc.
> 
> It's patently untrue that most women hate working a full time job.


They don't know it yet.

Most men, too.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I personally love my job.

But I also put my foot down and defend myself when it's getting too overwhelming and time consuming.

My boss understands and would rather keep me at my best than at my worst.

So, she needs to lessen her burden at work or find a job that is not as demanding.

There are always options, but telling her to quit outright (unless that's what she really wants) is going to disrupt her equilibrium, not balance it. There are many women out there who are not OK with making zero income.

And my house is about as clean as it can be. Balance for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Yes of course, we women need a man to tell us what we do and don't want.
> 
> Do you realize that you in the above post, you just told a woman that she's wrong about what she as a woman wants in her life?
> 
> As a woman, I prefer to work outside the home. Most of the women I know want to work.


Most mothers I know would far rather work part time or stay at home but can't afford to stop working full time. If they aren't mothers then that's different.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

nbd1582 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I'm freaking out and I think this is mega common but having sex once per week after you were doing 3-4 times per week really sucks, and I'm not handling it well. My wife lost her libido and she's super stressed out at work......which is probably why she lost her libido. It's very hard because I find my wife SUPER SUPER hot, and my libido is through the roof. Other than the wrinkles I've gotten from age 21 to 36, I stay in shape and have kept the same weight so *I don't think it's that I'm not attractive to her anymore*..... If I talk to her, it'll just piss her off and it'll kinda ruin the love that we have. My wife and I are very connected..... 11 years married and I love her more than ever. we have 2 kids together, and I honestly think she's hotter than ever. What do people do??!! Why doesn't she show interest in making me happy? She has to know I'm going crazy!


Attraction is not solely based on looks


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Satya said:


> I personally love my job.
> 
> But I also put my foot down and defend myself when it's getting too overwhelming and time consuming.
> 
> ...


I never said tell her to do anything, I suggested him telling her she could if she wanted to. Maybe the kids need much more of her attention and she is very unhappy with the work life nuturing balance. aving spent a good amount of time working with the general public and really listening to women complain, its the lack of balance a full time career demands, that seems to cause them stress.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Lack of balance comes more often when the other members of the household aren't doing their part. When one has to work and maintain the home and the children. 

Most women who are working are doing so for a good reason. They either want to or have to. It's a pretty safe bet that quitting her job is not an actual solution. 

Men get stressed with their job, no one is telling them to quit and be a homemaker. It doesn't mean that "most men don't like working". It's just not a practical solution to say quit. 

There are many ways he can help her with stress from work. Just like a wife can help her husband if work gets stressful. 

Housework is stressful, doesn't mean I should sell the house and be homeless so I have no dishes to wash. Be reasonable. 
Not working has it's own stress.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DepressedHusband said:


> I never said to tell her anything, but this is the EXACT feminist trope that really grinds my gears, please shut up, and stop shaming the fellow peers in your sex if they choose to be housewives and make do with LESS CRAP THEY DON'T NEED


I think all Elle is trying to say is that all women are not the same, some want to work, some want to stay home (and work at home, its still work!) some have to work as they are married to men who do not earn enough to support their staying at home (not every woman has the luxury of being stay at home mums).
I have done both, I worked then stayed at home with the kids for 5 years when they were tweens-teens. I would prefer to work, staying at home is not easy. I spent years in tertiary education and then professional exams which I do not need to stay at home. The most intellectual stimulation I got was from cook books, not my 'cup of tea' at all!

Having said that, women who work in stressful jobs need a partner who pulls their weight and does not expect the wife to carry 90% of the household duties, if so, sex will be the last thing on her mind after, kids, laundry, cleaning, cooking, bills, etc. Most men I know go to work, come home and eat (what wifey has cooked, I know wives who rush home from the office to cook and clean) and expect their 'needs' to be taken care of. Not very attractive for the wife. I am talking about men in Asia primarily.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Most mothers I know would far rather work part time or stay at home but can't afford to stop working full time. If they aren't mothers then that's different.


Those are the mothers that you know. 

I know many mothers who prefer to work.

Perhaps the issue is that you know woman who are more like you and I know women who are more like me. Hence, there is no one way that women think or feel. So no one can speak for all, or even most, women.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Anyone who prefers work is lying to themselves...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Herschel said:


> Anyone who prefers work is lying to themselves...


I know a few people who would continue their job even if they won the lottery and never had to work again. They just love their job. 

I enjoy making my own money. I'd never go without my own job and my own income. So yes, I prefer to work. Even if I had a husband who made well more than enough for me to not work, I would work and make my own money. 

If I won the lottery I would likely quit. But I absolutely need and want my own money so unless that happens, I prefer to work.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I know a few people who would continue their job even if they won the lottery and never had to work again. They just love their job.
> 
> I enjoy making my own money. I'd never go without my own job and my own income. So yes, I prefer to work. Even if I had a husband who made well more than enough for me to not work, I would work and make my own money.
> 
> If I won the lottery I would likely quit. But I absolutely need and want my own money so unless that happens, I prefer to work.


Enjoying what you do is fine. Choosing to do it over leaisute activities is not. People who continue work without the money do it likely out of boredom and nothing else better to do, or to make them feel good about themselves because they are good at what they do. 

I think everyone would be happier with part time jobs (ignoring money). It's really a silly argument despite the fact that I get you are saying you enjoy what you do.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

DepressedHusband said:


> I never said tell her to do anything, I suggested him telling her she could if she wanted to. Maybe the kids need much more of her attention and she is very unhappy with the work life nuturing balance. aving spent a good amount of time working with the general public and really listening to women complain, its the lack of balance a full time career demands, that seems to cause them stress.


Sure, that's a possibility.

There are lots of possibilities here, but the important thing in my mind is: what do they each *actually* want or expect, and are their preferences and expectations going to net them a joint decision on the matter?

Some women love to stay at home. I know that if I stayed at home all the time with children, cleaned, cooked, shuttled, etc., I'd put a bullet in my brain. It's just not for me but I can respect it would be for some women. I could do that part time, however, because I need interaction on a deep philosophical level with other adults. I need to troubleshoot technical problems and investigate, as I do in my job, to keep my mind engaged. Then I'd also want quality time with my kids and family. 

So, my probable optimal situation would be something like a 30 hour work week. It just isn't very realistic, for many reasons beyond my control.

In any case, this is a conversation they need to have. Our ideas here are all good, IMO, but they suit our individual perspectives best, as @EleGirl mentioned. My personal opinion is to start small and see if that improves anything. She can cut down her hours or find a job that is not as demanding. That would free up more of her time.


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