# Do You Wish Your Spouse Hadn't Been Honest?



## carsant (May 27, 2011)

I saw this article a few minutes ago, and it got me thinking. 

If You Cheat, You Shouldn't Confess

The article doesn't defend infidelity, but it suggests that if you engage in a one time pa, you should consider not telling your spouse. 

I'm curious, as people who have suffered through this, are there any of you that wish your spouse had not been honest with you? 

It seems to me that confessing to a one-off fling, that wasn't motivated by any deep-seated issues, might just be selfish.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Doesn't matter if its a One Night Stand (ONS) or an EA or a PA, it should be brought to light. And what if the WS gets an STD because of this ONS? So the betrayed spouse gets to live in the dark even though the WS has endangered their spouse's health because the WS didn't want to hurt their feelings? 

I've read a story on another forum where a BS didn't even find out that she contracted HIV from her WS until she had her check up and they did tests and she found out that her virus count was in the thousands. All because the WS was having ONS and was afraid to tell his wife.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Here is the deal. Often cheaters tell the other spouse to make themselves feel better due to thier guilt. This is very selfish and is a continuation of the selfish behavior that allowed them to cheat. 

I would want to know so I could pack her stuff, but everyone is different.


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## carsant (May 27, 2011)

The chances of contracting an std following a single night of protected heterosexual intercourse with a single partner are statistically insignificant. If a spouse is having multiple ONS, or not using protection, obviously that's a different issue. 

My question is, and I suppose this could be answered in the hypothetical if it doesn't match your situation, are you glad your spouse came clean about a ONS, that was a mistake with no reason to believe it will be repeated? Like Locard said, I'm concerned that coming clean in that situation might just be more selfish behavior.

I've never been in that situation, but I think I'd rather not know. If my wife cheated, and if we could just ignore it with no adverse consequences, that's what I'd want to do.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My husband lied to me for several months about his affair. I had my suspiscions but had to do my own investigations (and I do make a very good detective, lol) once I finally found the proof and confronted him with it, then he finally confessed. I needed the truth and I have no regrets that I found out. Sure, the truth was and still is incredibly painful but I would rather know the truth than to sit in limbo, or to just by and watch him continue his cheating ways. It's been nearly 2 months since DDay now. I have kicked him out of the house and I have filed for divorce. I think the article is wrong. If a spouse cheat, the other deserves to know. I know the old saying go, "What you don't know, can't hurt you" but sometimes that's not always the case. If your spouse contacts an STD but you have no idea they are being unfaithful and they go to bed with you, then what you dont know can certainly hurt you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This one is a double-edged sword for me. 

In some ways I am very glad he told me because it got everything out on the table. And it let me see our situation for what it really was. But in other ways I wish I never knew. We divorced anyway so sometimes I think it woulda bee nice just not to know, since we ended up parting ways anyway. 

I do so wish that I never asked for the details though. I could have been just fine not knowing what actually went down.


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## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

I need to know the truth, but I've talked to others who say they'd rather not know. I think it's a personal choice whether to want to know or not.

If you know your spouse is the kind who doesn't want to know then get yourself tested to make sure you're not endangering them, stop the affair, and have an end to it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

carsant said:


> The chances of contracting an std following a single night of protected heterosexual intercourse with a single partner are statistically insignificant. If a spouse is having multiple ONS, or not using protection, obviously that's a different issue.


Oh yeah, they always say they use protection because they're trustworthy. 

What are usually the kinds of environments that ONSs take place anyway? Like trolling craigslist or hooking up with strangers in bars. You wouldn't believe the number of people that still have unprotected sex nowadays. Then they go home and have sex with their husband or wife. Happens all the time folks.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Don't have any real world experience since I've been married, but I will say talking about all the people we cheated with behind each others back is still painful to this day.

A ONS I have no need to know about screw that!! Let me live in my Utopia especially if it was a drunken meaningless thing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would no longer see the value in believing them. So, no, not really. Truth, lies, what's the difference at that point?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Yah, I mean, a little bit o crabs, herppies or genital warts never hurt anyone. WTF??


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Here's what happened to us;
I never wanted to know, she complained so much about my neglect that it was easier for her to have her boytoys.

See, I buried my head in the sand b/c when she did her thing I did mine. I engrosed my self with my career while she found attention else were (slept around).

We both ignored the unhealthy marriage for years and she progressed from PA with one man to a dark and dangerous place of ONS. It just got easy for her. The more I didn't wont the truth, the more unhealthy and dangerous behavior she excibited.

These days I struggle with the fact that it was a convienent life of not answering to her...coming and going as we pleased without any concern for each other, and the realazation that we were living a very unhealty marraige. I mean she did her here thing and I did mine and now we are more...meeting each others needs. Its not so convienent being a good spouse, if you know what I mean?

So, if she never admitted and keep it more hidden. Never showing me the big red flags that said "hey I'm sleeping around and you don't care, so I'll throw it in your face" kind of thing, then I would be living a life of convience and in an unhealthy marraige. 

But she got her self caught and I found no other choice but to confront...I guess you and W can say I saved her by stepping up. So know we are in a better marriage for it.

So not telling me the truth would have been painless and care free but in an unhealty marraige /behaviors for both of us.
Telling me the truth has given my best friend back with healthier behaviors but with harder work. Marriage is no doubt hard work.

I believe the hard work will pay off in the long run as we get older. So yes I'm glad I confronted and we are both glad that she was honest.....well as honest as a cheating wife can be 

I do have to admit that back in the day it was easier being married but not really being married, but then again buring my cheating wife at 40 years old would have sucked. It was that bad and she saw it...it was me that pulled her out from all those vampires that fed on her lonelyness....16 months ago and she thanks me every day for stepping up and doing my 180.

Yes I am glad she told the truth, it pt both of us in a brighter perspective of what both of us are cabable of doing.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

All I wanted was the truth. I never got it. I'm pretty angry. I'll get over it. I'm glad I found out.


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