# How to act around my student



## jacknjill (Dec 5, 2012)

I'd appreciate it if people don't judge me. I'm just looking for advice as I'm about to be honest. I realize this is wrong on every level.

I'm ashamed to be attracted to one of my art students. I'm middle-aged and she's probably in her mid twenties. She's extremely warm, beautiful, sweet, and she's got these big huge eyes that look at me in class and I can't help but smile at her. She's talented and a great student. She's also adorably shy and timid and is always asking me questions about her artwork after class. She's very driven to achieve an A, which makes me happy as a professor. We've made some long eye contact a couple of times and she's caught me looking at her. I smiled at her, but she doesn't smile back often, And I feel really ashamed and embarrased to be drooling over her and she's too innocent to really notice. Although I think she suspects. Just saying her name in class reveals my attraction to her and paying attention to her in class could reveal to much. I'm afraid to give compliment her art in front of the class (like i do other students) because I don't want to come a cross like I like her. See we're both married. I have six kids and love my wife. I would never do anything to mess with that. And I don't want to steal a beautiful woman from her husband. I just really have warm affectionate feelings for her and am at a loss on how to be a good teacher while still maintaining my distance and not "showing" my extreme attraction to her. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me and I know she does.

How should I go about this? I know that in most cases I'd stay the hell away from her, but she's going to be around for a few more years and avoiding her is not an option. She'll probably end up taking another one of my classes and I'm a mentor in her field. 

Thanks,
Scared and confused.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Isn't the semester almost over?

So just ignore this. Give her an honest grade. She won't be around for much longer.

Maybe see a counselor to find out what is missing in your life so that you can fix that.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Good for you recognizing these feelings for what they are, realizing they are wrong, and trying to change your behavior before starting down a path that could potentially ruin a lot of lives.

Refreshing to see. 

No advice to give, other than maybe a year alone at a pond in the woods . Others should be along to help soon.

Good luck professor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

If you remember your wife and kids and your married life, the precursor to infatuation will end.

Kill every thought of possessing the beauty, who is already somebody's.

Realize that your thoughts are making you a slave. Refuse every thought that is going beyond student-teacher relationship.

Also recognize your role, ie. teacher, all the time. Eventually, you will overcome this. Since you already know this as wrong, there is a good chance of overcoming....

Take care.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Im not trying to be rude.but posting this so you want ruin things
For your sel over perhaps nothing. Your feelings we all can get them regardless of profession. But here is the thing
When i went to universety. I say this happen a lot..female students finds out professor ha a thing for the. And takes advantige.

Here is one sign. 

You wrote

I smiled at her, but she doesn't smile back often


She's extremely warm, beautiful, sweet, and she's got these big huge eyes that look at me in class and I can't help but smile at her. She's talented and a great student*. She's also adorably shy and timid and is always asking me questions about her artwork after class.That does sound like somone who is shy would do. She's very driven to achieve an A,
*

Im not saying doesent have feelings but just letting you know...

There was 7proffesors that got in to deep trouble .during my 4years at the school.. Please think about what i said.if or do i have point..only you can decide


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes it's all her fault.. it's always the fault of the evil female student.... :scratchhead:


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Yes it's all her fault.. *it's always the fault of the evil female student.*... :scratchhead:


Where did a call her evil??Its a known fact female students bonks professors for better grades..

You also need to understand one thing...If men could pull of this
WE WOULD DO IT TO..I know i did. Older women has for some reason unknown to me.seme to have thing for me.. so yes one singe female professor had some private time..In my case it was not because i needed help with grades..She was/is hot


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> Where did a call her evil??Its a known fact female students bonks professors for better grades..
> 
> You also need to understand one thing...If men could pull of this
> WE WOULD DO IT TO..I know i did. Older women has for some reason unknown to me.seme to have thing for me.. so yes one singe female professor had some private time..In my case it was not because i needed help with grades..She was/is hot


"Its a known fact female students bonks professors for better grades.." This statement is written such that it implies that all female students do this. That's so far from the truth that it's insulting to any woman who makes it through college. 

A truer statement is that SOME small number of female students bonk professors just as SOME small number of male students do this.


We are not talking about SOME female or male students here who might bonk professors for grades.

We are talking about a young lady that this professor mentions. She has not made a pass at him and thus you are off base accusing her of wanting to bonk him for a grade.

You made up some wild fantasy about the young lady in his class... it's completely your imagination.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Lets stick to the thread, folks.

OP knows very well that he is ashamed for his thinking and intentions....

He came for help.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You are the professor, in a privileged position. Do not abuse your trusted position of power.

Stop thinking about this girl and think about your wife instead. Do somethings to connect with your wife, make sure you have time alone and change your thought process so that if the young student pops into your mind you change your thoughts to something else and go and look at a photo of your wife and children.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> "Its a known fact female students bonks professors for better grades.." This statement is written such that it implies that all female students do this. That's so far from the truth that it's insulting to any woman who makes it through college.
> 
> *A truer statement is that SOME small number of female students bonk professors* I humble apologies you are completely right...Should have paid more attention how wrote it..
> 
> ...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Lets stick to the thread, folks.
> 
> OP knows very well that he is ashamed for his thinking and intentions....
> 
> *He came for help.*


And i gave him a head´s up.. IN case it could be like that.But according to Rosa Parks I was accusing that poor little girl..

Here was my ending
Please think about what i said.if or do i have point..only you can decide


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Well done for spotting this before it turns into anything damaging.
It sounds like you have built up a romanticised picture of this woman in your head and maybe she's not as innocent and shy as she portrays. She's not a young girl afterall, she's a married woman, so I guess she knows what she's doing. I'm not saying its for grades or anything like that but the Bambi style flirting she is doing with you doesn't sounds as innocent as you portray.

Just be careful and keep your professional boundaries in place. Put a picture of your wife and kids on your desk, to remind you what you have to lose and to give her the message that you are taken. 
Be careful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

This Rosa Parks thing is rather confusing. What is that about?


OP, can you try to imagine her as someone who wouldn't entice you? Try to think of her as a person with a raging STD or as a person who is not a woman but a man dressed as a woman or as someone who is really ill or as if she were your own daughter or as simeone with a weird toilet fetish. None of those things have anything to do with one another, but throwing something weird in there might make you see her as a person instead if an object of lust and that might allow you to see past it. You've gotta take her off the pedestal so that you can interact with her in a normal way.

We've all had tempting thoughts about others -- students, teachers, colleagues, friends, whatever...the trick is not to dwell on those things or feed them. Sure, she may be lovely, but she is also a person with flaws and issues and maybe you can imagine them (or anything else that takes you out of your current attraction) to get out of this mess.

Sorry you're in an uncomfortable situation. Hopefully, when the semester is over, the issue will disappear....


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Well done for spotting this before it turns into anything damaging.
> It sounds like you have built up a romanticised picture of this woman in your head and maybe she's not as innocent and shy as she portrays. She's not a young girl afterall, she's a married woman, so I guess she knows what she's doing. I'm not saying its for grades or anything like that but the Bambi style flirting she is doing with you doesn't sounds as innocent as you portray.
> 
> Just be careful and keep your professional boundaries in place. Put a picture of your wife and kids on your desk, to remind you what you have to lose and to give her the message that you are taken.
> ...



Thanks for posting this...in a nutshell what i was trying to say.
You just have a way better way with world then me


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Stop thread jacking jesus. Argue through PMs


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Wow, just wow. I do not run to their aid. Do me a favor and leave me alone.
> 
> You should not be infecting threads posted by people looking for help with personal attacks on posters.


If i was attacking you. You would be so right...

But im defending my post' s.wich you some how rewrite..

Stop with that..im will be cool.. Its nothing personal to you..Same would have happened to anyone here.. Who did the same..


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Thread jacking Jesus is not a good thing 

OP...consider the song "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by the Police. You are the one in control here and you would be the only one to blame should something ever happen with you and this girl. My only advice is to figure out why on Earth you would be having these thoughts. I mean, it's one thing to see a pretty girl but it's quite another to begin having romantic feelings under those circumstances.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have removed most of my posts because I let myself get sucked into stupidity that has nothing to do with the OP's topic at hand.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I have removed most of my posts because I let myself get sucked into stupidity that has nothing to do with the OP's topic at hand.


Smart move.And i will do the same....


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, you are the one who is in a position of authority and trust here, and you are the one who has the most to lose in this sort of situation. It is vitally important that you exercise the utmost control in how you deal with things.

You mention that your student is coming to your after class. Whilst this is possibly due to the fact that she is shy and timid (your description of her), and doesn't like asking questions in front of the other students, I would put an end to being alone with her. She probably sees you as a kindly, approachable man, and this is why she feels comfortable approaching you after class.

There's nothing wrong with finding a student attractive, but it's up to you to live up to the position you hold by keeping any feelings you may have firmly in check, and treating all your students equally.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Bur remember guys, she's not a 'girl' she's a married woman! She's not so innocent either!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Bur remember guys, she's not a 'girl' she's a married woman! She's not so innocent either!


She has not done anything. 

The way I read the OP"s post is that he is reading all kinds of things into her behavior. 

He's a person in a position of authority, thus it's up to him to keep things professional.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Bur remember guys, she's not a 'girl' she's a married woman! She's not so innocent either!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why, what has she done? I didn't read anything in the OP to imply that she had acted in any way inappropriately towards the OP. If it comes to that, neither has the OP done anything inappropriate because he hasn't acted on any of his feelings for his student.

We need to suggest ways for the OP to act around his student, not jump to the conclusion that she is some scheming Lolita.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP is not seen after his initial post.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Why does this come to mind?

The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me - YouTube


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I didn't say she had done anything!
Just reminding posters that she's not a girl but a married woman.
That's all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacknjill (Dec 5, 2012)

Okay, let me clear up some issues about my student:

She's extremely professional and only approaches me about things concerning the class. She acts and does the exact same thing with my TA who is a female. I think this is just how she is with all of her professors male, female, old, and young. She asked questions that are difficult to answer in class. 

Secondly, I probably seem safe to her. I'm a skinny, hairy, middle aged professor who has a wife and 6 kids. She'd probably never imagine I would be attracted to her in the first place. She has no reason to think her actions towards me are innappropriate. She's only visited my office ONCE and that was to get help on the final project. 

She has never asked a single question about myself or come on to me in any regard (that I'm aware of). I've tried getting her to open up about herself once, but she's really reserved. She's respectful of distance and like I said she's timid and not in the Bambi way. She often apologizes for approaching me with questions and constantly feels like an intrusion. One time I approached her and she backed away really fast. I dont' know if she's afraid of men, I get the feeling she was abused in some regard. I cannot imagine why a beautiful woman like her would be so insecure. Trust me, this isn't a flirty, bamby shyness. 

She's not flirting. I just have feelings for her and want to know how to act around her. How should I treat her? I want to be nice and open with her like I am with other students, but I'm not sure that's an option.

If I wasn't attracted to her I'd probably help her and mentor her. She's clearly got some social anxiety, which will hinder her in the future. She doesn't like standing out.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jacknjill said:


> Okay, let me clear up some issues about my student:
> 
> She's extremely professional and only asks me help concerning the class. She acts and does the exact same thing with my TA who is a female. I think this is just how she is with all of her professors male, female, old, and young. She asked questions that are difficult to answer in class.
> 
> ...


When does the class end? You need to treat her the same as the other students, and don't invade her personal space. I assume your semester is almost over, so breath a sigh of relief and move on. Do you have any daughters? Think of your student as a daughter of yours.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

Definitely counseling. If this same student was in your course at another time when you were less vulnerable, this wouldn't be happening. Something is off in your self, your marriage or both. I know lots of people disagree with me but I also think you should tell your wife. Nothing has happened and sharing it can help you communicate better with her. If it was my husband, I would be so grateful for him to tell me and my respect for him would double. Not saying it won't cause insecurity and issues between you & the mrs but it will open communication that you obviously need. If you are going to take a risk, take it with your wife. As a bonus for my hubby, I would also talk about it between the sheets and use to our advantage but that my be specific to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacknjill (Dec 5, 2012)

I've mentioned my wife a couple of times during class, so hopefully, if she has suspected my feelings for her, that would change her mind...


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

jacknjill said:


> Okay, let me clear up some issues about my student:
> 
> She's extremely professional and only approaches me about things concerning the class. She acts and does the exact same thing with my TA who is a female. I think this is just how she is with all of her professors male, female, old, and young. She asked questions that are difficult to answer in class.
> 
> ...



Instead of projecting the notion she's been abused maybe she is insecure in your class because she gets a creepy vibe from her art professor. Maybe she is being polite. I'm sure she realizes you stare at her, makes her uncomfortable, which is why she doesn't smile back. 

You do not know this person at all. You have built this fantasy of 
her in your mind. 

The quickest way to stop this is to tell you wife you have a sexual crush on one of your students. 

She is a married woman. You are a married man with 6 kids.

No offense. Never in a million years would I want to get involved with a man with six kids. If you and you wife ever did separate, you would be so broke paying child support.....


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I've been in your shoes. 

For a second I thought I had posted this while sleepwalking  I'm an art instructor myself, and can empathize with you quite easily. 

You can't always help how you feel. It happens. It sneaks up on you. I'm glad you recognized this stuff before it got too late. 

You CAN choose your actions. No preferential treatment, avoid being alone, keep it professional. Don't even think about 'What If?' Don't think about what she might be wondering about you, in any capacity other than a valued instructor. You are her guide, and your job is not to guide her to you. 

Picture the good times with your wife and kids, in the past and in the future. Then take a gander at life after a discovery of an EA or PA. Look at the sh*tty paperwork you'll have to fill out for a divorce. Picture your wife throwing things, crying, balled up in a fetal position in the corner of your bedroom as you leak truth over a period of weeks or months. 

After time, I managed to put the feelings I had aside and saw the situation realistically. You can do that. 

In an almost identical situation, my wife couldn't put aside her feelings and ended up sleeping with her student. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and probably her. 

Don't betray your wife.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm also an academic. It's mind over matter. You simply tell yourself not to go there. You do your best to keep those thoughts at bay.

And never, ever let your rationalization hamster tell you it's alright to officially become her advisor or mentor.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

No brainier. You maintain a professional teacher- student distance no matter how enticing or inviting the student may act.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Definitely stay hands off - no meeting with a student alone with the door closed. Keep everything open and public. No calling/texting/email. Keep all communication completely professional. This isn't worth toasting your professional career OR your marriage over.

Then, start focusing on romancing your wife. Make her the object of your affections, woo her/date her, treat her like you did when you were dating. 

If the two of you are having any issues, get to marriage counseling and work it out.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

This appears to be one sided and you know and have said this. Continue to treat her as the human being she is, with respect and dignity. You have a job to do and she is there to learn. 

I am sure she expects nothing less....


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

jacknjill said:


> If I wasn't attracted to her I'd probably help her and mentor her. She's clearly got some social anxiety, which will hinder her in the future. She doesn't like standing out.



Something about this makes me nervous for you...even though you're implying that you know you can't be her mentor...it's clear your thoughts have lingered over the prospect of "helping this poor, timid creature her break out of her shell".

So just to reiterate what you already know:

You can't be her mentor. And obviously, you need to avoid her as much as possible (AND avoid thinking about her when she's not around).


Nothing good will come of this.

I'm sure she does see you as safe. And I'm pretty sure if you confessed your attraction---you would regret it instantly--because you probably wouldn't get the response you want.

You do seem to know all of this already.

I know it's hard. Feelings of attraction are positively consuming.

Ever hear of deontology?---that's the idea of living by a code of conduct/set of morals...regardless of what you feel...I think you've gotta decide to embrace that philosophy...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

jacknjill said:


> I'd appreciate it if people don't judge me. I'm just looking for advice as I'm about to be honest. I realize this is wrong on every level.
> 
> I'm ashamed to be attracted to one of my art students. I'm middle-aged and she's probably in her mid twenties. She's extremely warm, beautiful, sweet, and she's got these big huge eyes that look at me in class and I can't help but smile at her. She's talented and a great student. She's also adorably shy and timid and is always asking me questions about her artwork after class. She's very driven to achieve an A, which makes me happy as a professor. We've made some long eye contact a couple of times and she's caught me looking at her. I smiled at her, but she doesn't smile back often, And I feel really ashamed and embarrased to be drooling over her and she's too innocent to really notice. Although I think she suspects. Just saying her name in class reveals my attraction to her and paying attention to her in class could reveal to much. I'm afraid to give compliment her art in front of the class (like i do other students) because I don't want to come a cross like I like her. See we're both married. I have six kids and love my wife. I would never do anything to mess with that. And I don't want to steal a beautiful woman from her husband. I just really have warm affectionate feelings for her and am at a loss on how to be a good teacher while still maintaining my distance and not "showing" my extreme attraction to her. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me and I know she does.
> 
> ...


If she already feels uncomfortable around you, really look at how you act around her. You may not think you're doing anything wrong, but she's picking up on your nonverbal body language. Don't be alone with her if you can help it. Don't communicate with her via email or text or call UNLESS you're going to do that for several other students as well. I think you really shouldn't even teach her in the future, if you can get out if it.

I'm preaching to the choir, but any sexual harassment charge, even if it gets thrown out, is a seriously career limiting move. Think of how you'll support your six children if you lose your job if this woman files some grievance against you. I have a very close relative who is a professor. Everything this person does is strictly on the up and up. These days you can't be too careful.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Ever wonder if she was 'scared and timid' because she was abused or taken advantage of by an authority figure, or a trusted mentor. someone just like you. Someone that fell down the slippery slop your standing on the edge of right now.

Think about that the next time your school boy crush has you thinking stupid thoughts. *don't be a predator. *

Your a teacher and more importantly your a father, have some expectations of yourself. This girl could be your child. If you have girls, one of them may be 'her' someday or one of your boys may marry 'this girl' someday. Don't prey on her.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You have to step back, way back. I don't know how long you have had your faculty appointment, but I can tell you right now you need to understand that moving any closer will get you canned... I don't care if you have tenure, you will likely lose your art lab and then you essentially will have nothing. 

I have been a prof, teaching pre-nursing students for 17 years, and yes there are attractive women who come to my class, but I always make the line in the sand (in my mind) - these are students and I am their prof and anything other than that is totally unprofessional. You need to make some huge changes in your approach and attitude toward your students. It is not healthy, if not this one, then the next one. You are playing with fire and you will get severely burned. I can admonish you because I share your profession.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I don't think the OP is looking for anything from this girl. Sometimes you just get an inappropriate crush, married or not, and that's all this is. He just is having trouble dealing with it.

Unfortunately, jackandjill, the only thing you can really do is wait this one out until she's not in your class any longer. It will be a bit torturous in the meantime, but that's life. Just keep your distance, don't indulge in fantasies, and the semester/class will end.


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## MagnificentEddy (Nov 15, 2012)

You already know what to do, or ratber what not to do. I wonder if you even asked because you hoped that someone would tell you "Heck yes - go for it!". Your gut feeling is right - acting on your emotions towards her cannot have a good outcome. Indeed for you it could be catastrophic. Life sometimes pitches us curve-balls, and this is one you are well advised not even to try to hit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You refuse to daydream, every time a thought pops up you visualize a STOP sign or refocus in you family, another students... whatever. You actively choose to refuse asking what ifs, to feed any kind of fantasy in your head, to wonder scenarios... you actively leave her at class the moment you head the door out. You porpousely avoid inquiring about her personal life.

If you don't feed it it will dye.
It shall pass.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

How much do you love your wife and your job?

You could lose both by going this route. BTW, do you have a daughter? Picture her sitting there and her teaching lusting over her. How would you feel?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> *I don't think the OP is looking for anything from this girl*. Sometimes you just get an inappropriate crush, married or not, and that's all this is. He just is having trouble dealing with it.


That may be true, however I have seen this pattern in former (the imperative word being former) colleagues before. Which is why I want to know how long the OP has been in his current profession. I am also going to assume that he works at an accredited University and thus law requires that he attend (either in person or online) workshops that deal with this ethical issue.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

jacknjill said:


> She's very driven to achieve an A


Obvious, give her a B-

:smthumbup:

She'll never take any of your courses again.

-----------------------

Seriously, though, she may have her boundaries up as well. It doesn't sound like she's interested in you, but you never know. 

One wrong comment or moment could jumpstart pent-up desires/curiosities. She could really admire you and get her wires mixed up.

I remember when I was in college, there were a few professors I had fantasies about - it was all about their intelligence, my admiration of them, them taking a special interest in my work, and just the plain 'old teach/student fantasy. They were old and not even good looking. :scratchhead:


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Jack, you've been around students for a long time, and if this attraction for this girl is the exception, and not the rule, then you might have a bigger problem than you realize. It sounds like you're falling into what's called *limerence*, a term coined in 1977 by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov.

*See if you can identify with any of these general, basic components:*

Intrusive thinking about the "limerent object" (L.O.)
An intensity of feeling for the LO that leaves other concerns in the background
Acute longing for reciprocation
Occasional fleeting relief from unrequited limerence when vividly imagining some reciprocal action by the limerent object
Fear of rejection that leads to an unsettling shyness in the limerent object's presence
Intensification of limerent feelings when rejected by the L.O.
Acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition on the part of the LO that could in any way, shape, or form be interpreted favorably
An extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable” explanations to explain or imagine why even neutral actions by the LO are a sign of hidden passion in the LO.
An aching in the chest when uncertainty is strong.
Buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation “seems” evident.
A remarkable ability to emphasize any trait that is truly admirable in the limerent object.
An equally remarkable ability to avoid dwelling on any possible negative trait ... or even to render that negative into another positive attribute.

*In describing this girl you said the following...*
"She's extremely warm, beautiful, sweet, and she's got these big huge eyes that look at me in class and I can't help but smile at her."

"She's also adorably shy and timid and is always asking me questions about her artwork after class."

"I smiled at her, but she doesn't smile back often"

"I feel really ashamed and embarrassed to be drooling over her"

"I just really have warm affectionate feelings for her"

"My extreme attraction to her"

"She has never asked a single question about myself or come on to me in any regard"

"I want to be nice and open with her like I am with other students, but I'm not sure that's an option."​


Jack, this won't go away with inaction, it will get worse and it will start to consume your life, possibly even destroy it.

You need to learn about limerence immediately, learn what it is and how to save yourself from it. Don't underestimate what's happening to you.

*Let me assure you, what you're feeling is not real, it feels real, but it's something your mind is concocting.*

You need to learn about what is happening to you; this is easily a life destroyer.

*"Limerence subsides if the love is returned, but the researchers say for unrequited love, their advice is to cut off contact and hope that time will lessen its disruptive effects."*

Look up Tennovs book, *Love and Limerence*, and read it _(preferably not in front of your wife_).

T


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Do NOT mentor her. Just wait it out till the semester ends and do not contact her again. This is bad news for you. You're feeling a need to save her and in your mind she's got some damsel in distress or girl in need if help qualities. Let HER husband deal with those. It is not your place to counsel her in any way as you will end up crossing boundaries even without meaning to, emotionally if nothing else. You're smitten. Recognize it and force yourself to distance these thoughts. She might be sweet and special, but you need to see her as dirty disgusting drug; then you might be able to step away emotionally. Remember that you have No Right to be ogling her or thinking this way about her. You don't want to be the old perv, so remind yourself if how it looks from the outside do you can help steer your own thoughts away from her.

Also, make some extra time for romance with your wife. Channel that energy into your wife, your work, or workouts.


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