# Frustrated, and Guilty… for being frustrated



## calliso5 (Feb 8, 2017)

I will try to keep this fairly short and succinct. Sorry if I ramble on.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, together for 16. We have 4 beautiful children, all under 10. However, over the past year or so, I have become very frustrated with our relationship. It’s not the relationship as a whole. We are together and talk and discuss all the aspects of our family and responsibilities. It’s our one-on-one relationship, how we feel, interact together, and show each other love, that has taken a backseat to our other responsibilities. In particular, the kids. I know this is normal. Even expected. So why do I feel frustrated with this situation? We actively chose to have 4 kids, and are relatively happy that we did. I say “relatively” because they are kids, with their own personalities, and the general adversities of raising kids. Obviously we were “together” to have 4 kids. When we do get the time to be together, we genuinely enjoy each other’s company. 

I work, not a lot, but more than a 9-5. My typical day starts at 5. Up and out the door by 6. 1 hour drive. Full day at work. 1hr drive home. Home by 5-6 sometime. Start making dinner. Yes, I do a majority of the cooking in the house. But I thoroughly enjoy cooking. Then spend time with the kids either just playing or helping with homework. We try to get them in bed around 8, but that almost always turns into 9. Then there's the clean-up for the day. Clean the kitchen from dinner/day. Make lunches for the next day. Clean the house after the day. It's at least 10 at night before either of us sits down or stops moving. We try to sit, have a cup of tea, and just relax. Most nights we will watch a 30 minute show, and go to bed. 

We are lucky enough that she is able to be a stay at home mom. Let me say this. I COULD NEVER DO WHAT SHE DOES!!! I would go absolutely bonkers after just a week. I have nothing but respect for all the stay at home mom’s and dad’s out there. You work harder than any profession I’ve seen, with little to no active reassurance. Your kids don’t generally tell you, “You’re doing a wonderful job raising us Mom, Thanks.”

We try to take that 30 minutes or so at the end of the day to debrief from the day. But, this usually ends up either just spacing out in front of the TV, or talking about the kids’ activities for the next day, groceries, food menu/prep. Anything but just hanging out together. We are exhausted, and justifiably so.

We don’t have a lot of support to help us out with babysitting and such. We’ve tried scheduling a date night once a month. But inevitably that gets stretched into 2 because something is going on. The family that we do have close is usually used to babysit when we “need” something. Appointments and such. There’s more of a story here, but suffice it to say we already ask for a lot from them.

I know we chose the life we have. Made the decisions. And we’re living the consequences of our choices. Am I wrong to feel like I want more? Should I just suck it up, wait, and know there are better times ahead of us? I want more time with just my wife. Do I have unrealistic expectations?

I haven’t even touched on making time for ourselves, individually. I just assume I gave any of that up at this point. Maybe in 8-15 years I’ll get some of that back :wink2:

How do others handle this? How to you make time? Energy?

Thank you.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I leave the dishes/clean up and lunches til the morning 


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Leave the TV off. DVR any shows you HAVE to watch and save them for the weekends. You mention cleaning......a lot of that can wait til the next day. You work all day AND cook while she stays at home with the kids? Unless you REALLY like cooking every day, I would find a way to make that balance a little more fair. I was a SAHM to 4 in my marriage, and now I'm a full time working single mom with a commute like yours. I've done both (SAHM and working) AND I also had 4 kids so I feel confident in saying that perhaps she needs to pick up a little more slack.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Agree. Your wife should be cooking and doing lunches. That is part of her job. 

Stop cooking. Today. 

Is your wife up at 5 am making lunches or is she asleep?

Btw, you let that happen. So you can put an end to it.


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## calliso5 (Feb 8, 2017)

I really do feel that we have a pretty even division of labor. My frustrations don't stem from a feeling that we aren't doing our fair share. We just put everything else ahead of our relationship.

We do let the cleaning go some nights. But that's not a recurring theme.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

As a side note, it is tough now but kids grow and become more independent. Help cleaning up(chores). Bathing by themselves. You get the idea. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is a long time coming but it does come.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

calliso5 said:


> I really do feel that we have a pretty even division of labor. My frustrations don't stem from a feeling that we aren't doing our fair share. We just put everything else ahead of our relationship.


And this is where a lot of people make a mistake, they put their kids ahead of their relationship. Happens to all of us, myself included. You have to invest some time in your relationship or it will stagnate, just like anything if you leave it long enough. I realize you have small kids and it can be difficult, but make sure that you and your wife are doing things together. Plan a sitter and a date night, go out with some friends, and just cultivate your marriage. It requires regular maintenance, just like a car.

But it is something that needs to be done by both sides, not just one. I know that some women get stuck in this "I have to be supermom" complex and everything ends up being about the kids. But it took you two to have the kids, it takes the two of you to bring them up too, preferably together.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

My parents had 6 kids, each 2 years apart, both worked, had small frozen pizza business on the side so although I have no children of my own I know the chaos that can come from a bog household.

It's still surprising to me that with you doing most of the cooking and mummy staying at home, there's not more time for you two to yourself. Are the kids helping with chores? Yes, they're under 10 but they can still do a little something. Fold their clothes and put away, pick up their toys around the house, put things back in their place, help with cooking... 

By 12yrs, we each could contribute 1 dish to a meal so by 16yrs, we were apt enough to take responsibility for one entire meal for the family. I'm not saying turn the kids into child slaves, just saying the kids can help out a lot more than parents tend to give them credit for.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Heck yes, turn them into child slaves! LOL!

For real though, even if you feel division of chores is equal, it likely isn't. Not either of your faults, but A LOT of what you mentioned can be done before you get home.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

calliso5 said:


> I really do feel that we have a pretty even division of labor. My frustrations don't stem from a feeling that we aren't doing our fair share. We just put everything else ahead of our relationship.
> 
> We do let the cleaning go some nights. But that's not a recurring theme.


Well, why aren't you taking some agency then? Get a sitter, or have your Mom/her Mom/someone come and stay with the kids. Book a vacation to somewhere close, with an overnight stay. Make reservations at a good restaurant. Tell her this is what we are doing because your relationship is taking a back seat and you don't like it. Tell her to buy some lingerie and you will pay for it. Don't post about it on the board take action. Besides that, women like assertive husbands. Be assertive.

Repeat as necessary. At keast 4 times a year.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to restructure your relationship. 

What you describe is pretty common. You are wise to be search out ways to improve your marriage at this point.

There are two books that I think would help both you and your wife. Read them in the order listed here and do the work that they suggest. Read them in the order listed here:

"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs" 

After you read them and do the work that they suggest, talk with your wife and tell her what you have said here, ask her to join you because you are not happy with things as they are right now. And you love her and want to fix this. Ask her to read the books with you.


Also, I take a look at the below link for Valentines days...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/home-p...entine-s-day-give-gift-only-you-can-give.html


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What are the kids ages? Sounds like some of them at least are in school. Are you guys homeschooling? Because I'll be honest, if she's staying home and you're still cleaning the house after dinner - what in the hell is she doing during the day?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why are you guilty exactly? It's not healthy for your kids if their parents don't have a good relationship. 

The kids should not take precedence over the marriage because if they do the marriage will suffer and then the kids suffer worse. Read all the threads on here where the marriage broke up because the parents grew apart. How does that help the kids in the long run? What's more important you give them 24/7 energy until they only see you 1/2 the time or you give them most of your energy but some is reserved for your wife and vice-versa? Marriage is a relationship between 2 people that requires a time investment. 

I think your guilt is very misplaced. Where did you get the idea that being a parent means that is all you are allowed to be?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> As a side note, it is tough now but kids grow and become more independent. Help cleaning up(chores). Bathing by themselves. You get the idea. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is a long time coming but it does come.


This was going to be my advice too. 

First - for those beating you up about cooking. If you genuinely enjoy doing it, I totally get it. I love to cook and even though it could be considered a "chore" after a long work day, I actually find it relaxing and look forward to it. So I wouldn't want my husband taking that from me. 

I also get that some things just happen in the evenings chore wise and there's not much you can do about it. 

If your oldest is 10, he/she should be doing chores by that age. I would expect the kids to be doing a large chunk of their own picking up and daily tasks as they become older. In my opinion, age 6+ can reliably handle chores...the older they are they more they can take on. For example: My kids are in 1st and 2nd grade and they do a lot of their own self care at this age. Homework, packing lunches, taking their own showers, helping with basic household chores. I oversee it and help where needed but they are expected to pitch in and do things without me nagging them. 

Have you looked into a gym that has a childcare facility or a local kids place that offers kids activities for parents night out? I enjoyed the gym a lot when my kids were younger because we could drop the kids at the gym daycare for up to 2 hours to workout. We couldn't leave the gym, but H and I used that as our individual decompress time and worked out. It helped us stay sane. 

As your kids get older it won't be so hard and exhausting. When the 10 year old and maybe the next oldest in line are a couple of years older, you should be able to count on them to babysit their younger siblings for small amounts of time so that you can get out. 

What about local babysitters? Care.com or searching local mom's groups should get you someone with references just to have a date once in awhile.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you are being suckered. Your wife should be making meals as a part of her responsibility to you and the kids. If you are doing the cooking you're putting way to much on your plate and you never be able to sustain this pace. Women who are SAHM's commonly do this to their husbands. They think that the more they can sucker their H into doing the less they have to do. My recommendation is for her to back to work even if you think you can swing only one income. Trust me, you can't. Having only one income is not sustainable. You'll find one day that you're burned out on life, have nothing in the bank and will lose everything and your marriage will be in tatters if you keep this up. Make your wife do her part and go back to work.


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## calliso5 (Feb 8, 2017)

I guess I need to clear something up a little. 

When I was explaining what my typical routine was, I did not mean to imply that my wife isn't doing the same things with me. We are a team, and share in those responsibilities. If anything, she keeps the house in more order than I ever could. It just takes so much effort that we don't leave enough of ourselves for each other at the end of the day. 

I think leaving the TV off more often may help. It's just overwhelming at times. Thanks for the nudge.

As for the going back to work thing, that's part of the plan once our 3 year old goes to school. We've discussed it, and agree with what we think is the best for the kids right now. 

Kids are 9,8,5,and 3. We do have them do chores. At least the older 3. The 5 year old is hard though it's more of a guided helper. So our attention is still on him and the chore. 3 year old time is coming.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

calliso5 said:


> I guess I need to clear something up a little.
> 
> When I was explaining what my typical routine was, I did not mean to imply that my wife isn't doing the same things with me. We are a team, and share in those responsibilities. If anything, she keeps the house in more order than I ever could. It just takes so much effort that we don't leave enough of ourselves for each other at the end of the day.
> 
> ...


You definitely have to MAKE time for date nights and time on your own. What are the weekends like? Does she get time for herself and do you get time for yourself?

Those ages aren't terrible to find a babysitter for. Not like she's nursing an infant, at least. Have you tried setting up dates?

It will get a lot easier in 2-3 years. But you do have to make sure that you don't completely become strangers to each other before then.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Couple of thoughts, of a different kind. Get a large crockpot, put a pork butt in it early am. Some early morning prep can cut down on cooking at night. Don 't forget to use a crock pot liner. Cuts down on cleanup.

Get a midsize pressure cooker. You can make a tender beef & vegetable dinner in a short amount of time.

With that many kids, lots of laundry. See if this works better. Get a sitter for the kids on a Saturday. Save up all the laundry for the week.

Leave kids with sitter, goto a large laundrymat. Load up all 16 washers, sit & have a nice conversation with spouse. Load up all the dryers, talk some more. In the course of 2-3 hours you can have all laundry done for week & time to talk with your spouse. Where I live, some laundries will wash,dry & fold for not too much extra.

A little extra once a month would at least give you a day to be with spouse. Personally, I'd tell your spouse, "let's get a sitter on Saturday, drop the clothes at the laundrymat, and go get hotel with a hot tub. I NEED some NAKED time with you.

Your in the thick of it right now. A couple of years from now, you won't believe the change.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Be firm about getting them in bed by 8pm. At their ages that is quite late enough and that would give you more time in the evenings. 
One of you put the kids to bed while the other one does the lunches and clears the kitchen so that you can both sit down together at 8pm.
We had three children and that's what we did. 

We also belonged to a baby sitting circle with other parents.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Be firm about getting them in bed by 8pm. At their ages that is quite late enough and that would give you more time in the evenings.
> One of you put the kids to bed while the other one does the lunches and clears the kitchen so that you can both sit down together at 8pm.
> We had three children and that's what we did.
> 
> We also belonged to a baby sitting circle with other parents.


We do this too, but I remember that it seemed like no matter how early the kids went to bed, we both were so exhausted we would fall asleep immediately after. I remember many times we would sit down on the couch right after getting kids to bed, husband would go to pour me a glass of wine and I'd be passed out by the time he came back. Getting out of the house together was really all we could do, being active forced us to focus on each other and stay awake lol.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

My husband and I take a day off work each month. We spend the morning in bed. Go for lunch and a movie. Home by 3pm. Its a good way for us to reconnect and restore some intimacy. 

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A male friend of mine does the cooking.

When asked why he said: "We have to have something we can eat. And that doesn't happen when my wife tries to cook!"


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

calliso5 said:


> I will try to keep this fairly short and succinct. Sorry if I ramble on.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 10 years, together for 16. We have 4 beautiful children, all under 10. However, over the past year or so, I have become very frustrated with our relationship. It’s not the relationship as a whole. We are together and talk and discuss all the aspects of our family and responsibilities. It’s our one-on-one relationship, how we feel, interact together, and show each other love, that has taken a backseat to our other responsibilities. In particular, the kids. I know this is normal. Even expected. So why do I feel frustrated with this situation? We actively chose to have 4 kids, and are relatively happy that we did. I say “relatively” because they are kids, with their own personalities, and the general adversities of raising kids. Obviously we were “together” to have 4 kids. When we do get the time to be together, we genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
> 
> ...


I don't have any suggestions, only sympathy. We have three kids and are in the same boat. My parents have said they'll take the kids for sleepovers...one at a time. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but it doesn't really solve our issue of needing one on one time. 

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## FamilyMaid (Apr 22, 2017)

Can you leave the TV off when you discuss things at night? Are you discussing things about the kids activities at this time because you don't know what else to talk about? This would be a good time to be a "couple", even if it's for a half hour. I can't get my husband to turn the TV off EVER! When he's home, it's on.

And will everyone stop getting on this man about cooking? He truly enjoys it and I get that. Those making comments about it must assume it's "work" and don't like doing it themselves. That's one of the best parts of my day. In fact, it's the only thing my husband will compliment me on.


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

I don't think you and your wife are doing enough.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When we were bringing up three children, one of us bathed the kids, read them stories and put them to bed while the other cleaned up the meal things and did the lunches for the next day, (for the ones who were at school). Any house work was done by me during the day with the exception of ironing which I sometimes did in the evenings while watching the tv. I also always cooked the meals. 

We were also strict with bedtimes, so if their bedtime was 8, they were in bed by 8. Try this and you may get to sit down by 8.30. We seemed to manage it.

My husband was a shift worker as well, so sometimes he wasn't there in the evenings/weekends so I did it all.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Couple of thoughts, of a different kind. Get a large crockpot, put a pork butt in it early am. Some early morning prep can cut down on cooking at night. Don 't forget to use a crock pot liner. Cuts down on cleanup.
> 
> Get a midsize pressure cooker. You can make a tender beef & vegetable dinner in a short amount of time.
> 
> ...


I have 1 less kid than the OP, but my kids are 20, 16 and 11. It doesn't get any better. In fact, it gets worse at times...LOL. BUT...you do have more time for date nights because we can leave the house and not have to worry about who will take care of them. Of course, you have to worry about who they invite over...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You've seen a lot of suggestions.

It is a matter of prioritizing.

For my wife and I, my wife cooked. Of course you should if you enjoy it. But as soon as your kids are in bed you should be in bed. It might even help to get the kids to bed if you two set an example, and get in bed at the same time. Who knows.

That's what my wife and I did. Bedtime was the same for all of us. Now, sleep, that was another issue. We had fancy new cassette tape players for the children and played tapes on loops for them to drown out our noise. My wife enjoyed listening to the tapes with the children during the day.

There was no chore or task that ever was important enough to make us stay up longer, except a child's health. Prioritize. What is important? Love for your spouse, or a clean dish? Don't accept any garbage about oh but if we don't do this or that after the kids are in bed, blah blah blah. Don't accept it from your spouse, and do not accept it from yourself. Whatever you need to do, you do in bed, in each other's arms.

Well, that was my policy. I was fiercely adamant about it, and it has stuck throughout our marriage. We have had a ton of problems, yes, for sure. Maybe my policy helped us survive. 43 years so far.


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