# Should i be worried my wife wants to put money aside for herself only.



## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account. 

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains. 
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt. 

We have been married for 10 years. 

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now. 
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me? 

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get. 
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
> basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.
> 
> we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
> ...


Tell her you'll do the same thing. That way you both have money that you're not accountable to each other for a certain sum of money.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am a great believer in joint accounts in marriage, but if she insists on this then tell her that you will put the same amount away in an account in your name only. Also say that you want openess in this so you can both see each others statements etc
Have you sat her down and asked her why she has decided to do this? 
Oh and why do you go to separate gyms?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Oh and why do you go to separate gyms?


That's a very good question. 
Who made the choice of a different gym?


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Oh and why do you go to separate gyms?


we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did. 

as for the joint account.... i did ask her, of course. her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers.... i dont think she gets it that we dont have any prenup and if we do separate, then she gets half anyway.

the main thing that bothers me here is she is being a huge BI** about it, im honestly thinking of ending this marriage over this, i see this as a separation and i want my family united. i dont know why buy i feel a family should be one unit. she wouldn't want me to be able to see what in her account and what she spends money on... very strange and i just dont trust her anymore.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.
> 
> as for the joint account.... i did ask her, of course. her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers.... i don't think she gets it that we don't have any prenup and if we do separate, then she gets half anyway.
> 
> the main thing that bothers me here is she is being a huge BI** about it, im honestly thinking of ending this marriage over this, i see this as a separation and i want my family united. i dont know why buy i feel a family should be one unit. she wouldn't want me to be able to see what in her account and what she spends money on... very strange and i just dont trust her anymore.


I think your wife should have some money, for emergencies, in the event of your death. Just to keep things simple until she sorts everything out. 
That's not bad, if that's all she is doing. 
I think you're consideration of a divorce may have scared her into doing this. 
Once a man threatens divorce, it's forever on a woman's mind. 
It's the female equivalent of a infidelity blowjob.
Once done, it's forever etched in the marriage.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

nick46davis said:


> as for the joint account.... i did ask her, of course. her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers....





nick46davis said:


> the main thing that bothers me here is she is being a huge BI** about it





nick46davis said:


> very strange and i just dont trust her anymore.


Trust your guts here. You are right in not longer trusting her. Whatever, whoever is putting crap in her head, is making it a self fulfilled prophecy. 

Start stealthily, checking her modes of communication to see if you can discern who and what's being fed to her.

Do not give in. It must be all in the open as far as finances going forward. 
It's time to consult with a lawyer about where you stand in the case of a divorce.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.


This trainer......male?


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> I think your wife should have some money, for emergencies, in the event of your death. Just to keep things simple until she sorts everything out.
> That's not bad, if that's all she is doing.
> I think you're consideration of a divorce may have scared her into doing this.
> Once a man threatens divorce, it's forever on a woman's mind.
> ...


i have life insurance. in case of my death she would get it all + more. and she as of now also has it all, she is the one with access to stuff that i dont have access to not vise versa. and she has all the money she needs. seems to me she want to hide something.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> This trainer......male?


no freemale. and the trainer posts videos of their workouts on Instagram so she is def at the gym


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Trust your guts here. You are right in not longer trusting her. Whatever, whoever is putting crap in her head, is making it a self fulfilled prophecy.
> 
> Start stealthily, checking her modes of communication to see if you can discern who and what's being fed to her.
> 
> ...


i was thinking of a lawyer, and your 100% right, i will get our 7 year old to unlock her tablet or phone for me as she knows the password so she can play games and what not. ill snoop around see if there is something i can find. thanks....


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> i have life insurance. in case of my death she would get it all + more. and she as of now also has it all, she is the one with access to stuff that i dont have access to not vise versa. and she has all the money she needs. seems to me she want to hide something.


That all takes time. 
It's better to have some money onhand that doesn't take a few months to access. 
I agree you to find out if she's planning a divorce or if she's having an affair with her trainer and everything.
I'm just saying that if she is just setting aside some money for personal security, just because of the mishaps in life that, in itself, is not a bad thing.

I also agree with you that she shouldn't be denying you access to that money. You should know how much she has put away.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> That all takes time.
> It's better to have some money onhand that doesn't take a few months to access.
> I agree you to find out if she's planning a divorce or if she's having an affair with her trainer and everything.
> I'm just saying that if she is just setting aside some money for personal security, just because of the mishaps in life that, in itself, is not a bad thing.
> ...


it does not take time as my account is a joint account and she has access to the company account as well as many assets she can liquidate quick. also her family has money, I would not worry about her financialy wich makes it even more strange 
. I wish she had an affair with the trainer SHE is super hot 😅 I should have mentioned it's she


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> it does not take time as my account is a joint account and she has access to the company account as well as many assets she can liquidate quick. also her family has money, I would not worry about her financialy wich makes it even more strange
> . I wish she had an affair with the trainer SHE is super hot 😅 I should have mentioned it's she


It is strange, if there are no risk factors to a catastrophic event to you. 
I don't think she's being entirely truthful to you. 
I would check her messages for sure.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

The destruction of many a marriage started within the confines of a gym. If I were you, I'd consider getting myself a membership in her new gym. Her reaction might be telling.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> I think your wife should have some money, for emergencies, in the event of your death. Just to keep things simple until she sorts everything out.
> That's not bad, if that's all she is doing.
> I think you're consideration of a divorce may have scared her into doing this.
> Once a man threatens divorce, it's forever on a woman's mind.
> ...


Where did he say he has threatened her with divorce?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

nick46davis said:


> her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers....


there is your answer! She suddenly woke up and said something like "my mom and dad, I thought they had a good marriage. now they are divorcing. I probably need some protection". it was not a ratonal decision....she just woke up and said "where is my bag of money, just in case"

for some reason she is feeling insecure. I do not think she is planning on taking the money and running of to Belize with her personal trainer! 
Give her some money, and forget-a-bout-it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.


Going to a separate gym, even with a female trainer, is an opportunity to be groomed by other gym rats and/or the female. The whole gym genre is notorious for facilitating stuff not marriage friendly. But you likely know that already since you spend hours (?) there yourself. There have been plenty of instances where female convinced a wife to "join the other team" if you get my drift. If she is spending hours at the gym, she has bonded with who knows who there.

You have a lot of money, and evidently a lot more on the way. That is a major attraction, especially if your wife has been publicizing the situation. 

BTW, is the wife maybe bored with working from home? Something has happened to change ( or maybe expose ) the dynamic in the marriage.



jonty30 said:


> I think your wife should have some money, for emergencies, in the event of your death. Just to keep things simple until she sorts everything out.


They have joint accounts. Which means if he kicks the bucket she can access all the money they have in emergencies or otherwise. In fact, she could clean him totally out right now from both the business and personal account. He wouldn't even be able to hire an attorney. Worse, if she absconds with the funds from the business, he won't be able to pay the taxes either. I had a friend long ago whose business "partner" pulled everything out of the business account, left the country and my friend with no money and the IRS looking to him for their money. Not a good position to be in. I would have thought a business account would require *both *signatures to access funds, but what do I know?

My advice to him would be to get a personal account for himself and put at least as much in it for his own use as they put in her personal account.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> *it does not take time as my account is a joint account and she has access to the company account as well as many assets she can liquidate quick. also her family has money, *I would not worry about her financialy wich makes it even more strange
> .* I wish she had an affair with the trainer SHE is super hot *😅 I should have mentioned it's she


This is IMO unwise for your own protection! You need to restructure this situation as fast as you can! Think of the risk to your own wellbeing! Right now she can write a huge retainer to an attorney and take you for however much she wants to. Maybe waiting until she gets her private account funded.

You wouldn't be the first spouse blindsided by a train wreck they didn't suspect. Thinking they were living a charmed marriage only to wake up one day with disaster on their doorstep.

Be careful what you wish for. The super hot female trainer may only be interested in wealthy females. She may have been giving your wife advice about life going forward.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree with @Rus47 that something has happened recently to change the dynamics of the relationship or her feelings for you. To me the working out for hours at a separate gym is suspect. Just because she has a female trainer doesn’t mean other guys are not coming on to her.

Also, why is it that she has access to all of your money and business accounts but you don’t have access to her phone? Does she have access to your phone? My wife and I have access to each other’s phones and have always had joint accounts. I make much more than my wife but have always thought of it as our money.

I can partially understand that her parents going through a divorce may have caused her to think about this but you work together and have a this is our money attitude and prove it with her complete access to all of your accounts. It doesn’t sound like her mother worked which is not her situation. The “family “ courts always make sure a divorcing wife gets awarded cash and prizes anyway. You better do some digging. Something doesn’t smell right.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm kind of conflicted on this subject, but won't rehash all the advice and opinions already given.

The thing I want to add is she communicated to you what she wanted to do, that's big in my book. OP you stated she has access to all your monies, business and personal, and it sounds like you two are comfortable enough financially that you don't live on a budget and monitor your spending. Correct? 

If she was up to no good couldn't she have been cycling money into a private account for years? And if she is planning a divorce she already has access to plenty of money now and likely will get 50% of all assets if you divorce. 

If her plan is to divorce why show her hand early? That wouldn't be very smart in my book. And finally if she wants a divorce it's going to happen regardless of her having a separate account or not.

I'm all for full disclosure and shared equity in a marriage, but in this case I would probably let her have her account and hope for the best.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nick46davis said:


> we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.
> 
> as for the joint account.... i did ask her, of course. her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers.... i dont think she gets it that we dont have any prenup and if we do separate, then she gets half anyway.
> 
> the main thing that bothers me here is she is being a huge BI** about it, im honestly thinking of ending this marriage over this, i see this as a separation and i want my family united. i dont know why buy i feel a family should be one unit. she wouldn't want me to be able to see what in her account and what she spends money on... very strange and i just dont trust her anymore.


So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.

This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.

when I first got married and we bought a house I had to keep a couple hundred dollars in our closet, my husband didn’t understand why not the bank. I also always keep a full pantry which now includes home canned items as well. He was kind enough to never give **** about it. When my parents got divorced we had food insecurity and I knew with $100 I could but black pants and shoes and get a job at Waffle House. Have enough to buy food until the job started. It’s been 28 years and I now have assets close to enough to retire and I still can’t sleep with an empty pantry.

while I would mentally check your marriage and relationship to see if you are good, I wouldn’t be this upset. We have combined everything and are a team but as long as she open about it and fair what is your real complaint?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.
> 
> This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.
> 
> ...


The custom of the wedding ring was started to give women a sense of financial security with the marriage. She could sell off the ring to give a start to a new life if the marriage failed.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think it’s odd. If my wife suddenly wanted separate finances it would be a very bad sign.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I would personally be surprised if my wife suddenly wanted an account for herself. I've never, ever stopped her from buying whatever she wants. She and I have equal access to all of our accounts. It would feel very strange that she would want an account she only had access to. There would need to be a strong compelling reason. 

It sounds like a slippery slope. If she has her own, then I'll have my own. Up till now it has always be ours, not mine or hers. Why would we do something that separates us in someway, even if just in a bank account. 

Is she going to start paying bills out of her money? Has she told you point blank that she wants this incase you divorce her?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

The OP needs to examine the situation in its entirety.
While the wife wanting to set money aside without context could be troubling; the fact that she is doing it as a response to her mother undergoing a divorce without resources is understandable. If the OP was understanding about it, kept an open mind about it and was supportive, he might find that he could (or would) strengthen his marriage in the process.
There is nothing wrong (within reason) for spouses to have a "Kitty" of there own for emergencies, presents for their husband/wife, etc. In our marriage, we have that even though I control the lions share of funds due to my wife's demonstrated gross financial irresponsibility. Nothing wrong with that as long as the situation is transparent and goes both ways.
I'd be more concerned with the Gym situation, frankly.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Oh wow @nick46davis I know a friend who went through something similar, his wife was groomed by another couple and a hot new shiny man, they wanted access to her money, yes infidelity was part of it!
Infidelity could not be in your case, but you need to know what is going on!
You need to start snooping and find out who is putting these ideas in your wife's head!!
Because it doesn't make sense at all, as you said she has access to all accounts plus no prenup so she will get %50 any way in cased of divorce, and in case of death you have life insurance plus all your assets and her family has money... *Doesn't make sense why she is asking something like this!*

And just because she has a female trainer doesn't mean there are no other men at the other gym!!
You need to find out what's going on and why this sudden change!

Take @Rus47 advice, you need to restructure your accounts and protect it:


Rus47 said:


> This is IMO unwise for your own protection! You need to restructure this situation as fast as you can! Think of the risk to your own wellbeing! Right now she can write a huge retainer to an attorney and take you for however much she wants to. Maybe waiting until she gets her private account funded.
> 
> You wouldn't be the first spouse blindsided by a train wreck they didn't suspect. Thinking they were living a charmed marriage only to wake up one day with disaster on their doorstep.
> 
> Be careful what you wish for. The super hot female trainer may only be interested in wealthy females. She may have been giving your wife advice about life going forward.


Put your foot down, restructure your accounts and deny her request to take part of the money and putting it aside in a separate account, is she askes why, you can tell her: *"there is no need to and there are no good reasons to do so!"*

Get the bottom of this sudden switch, keep your eyes open and mouth shut, and start snooping!!


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You have a couple red flags between the separate account and a password protected phone and device. 
Does she guard the phone? If so pretend to leave yours in such a place that would justify the use of hers for an "important" phone call to make. See what she does, it will be quite telling.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> BTW, is the wife maybe bored with working from home? Something has happened to change ( or maybe expose ) the dynamic in the marriage.


yes she is, very. she wanted to go work somewhere for $15 an hour, i did the math with her and explained that it would cost us more $$ for her to go to work this job then she would make. so together we figured out a higher paying job with in the company as we would pay any of our techs, and are working on getting jobs for here here that she can leave the house and feel useful, but this comes down to the same issues - WHY DOES she want "her own money" ? i mean a buck is a buck people would kill to have the life we do.



Rus47 said:


> Going to a separate gym, even with a female trainer, is an opportunity to be groomed by other gym rats and/or the female. The whole gym genre is notorious for facilitating stuff not marriage friendly. But you likely know that already since you spend hours (?) there yourself. There have been plenty of instances where female convinced a wife to "join the other team" if you get my drift. If she is spending hours at the gym, she has bonded with who knows who there.
> 
> You have a lot of money, and evidently a lot more on the way. That is a major attraction, especially if your wife has been publicizing the situation.
> 
> ...


this situation makes me think i have to to something aside to make sure i dont wake up one day with 0 or worse.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

nick46davis said:


> i was thinking of a lawyer, and your 100% right, i will get our 7 year old to unlock her tablet or phone for me as she knows the password so she can play games and what not. ill snoop around see if there is something i can find. thanks....


As I said before, I'd be more concerned with the Gym.
However, this puts red flags up.
You can't be trusted with her password, but a 7 year old can?
I'd get the password and a tablet of your own and link them with her phone.
I now agree with those who said to put some safeguards on your funds.
I still think that at least some of this may be a reaction to what her Mother is going through; however institute a TRUST BUT VERIFY protocol.
Also, if she acts like a "B" promptly but respectfully call her out on it.
Change to her Gym. Do they offer a couples or family discount? See what her reaction is.
Go proactive on her while you still can to some degree. Her reaction will be telling.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> I agree with @Rus47 that something has happened recently to change the dynamics of the relationship or her feelings for you. To me the working out for hours at a separate gym is suspect. Just because she has a female trainer doesn’t mean other guys are not coming on to her.
> 
> Also, why is it that she has access to all of your money and business accounts but you don’t have access to her phone? Does she have access to your phone? My wife and I have access to each other’s phones and have always had joint accounts. I make much more than my wife but have always thought of it as our money.
> 
> I can partially understand that her parents going through a divorce may have caused her to think about this but you work together and have a this is our money attitude and prove it with her complete access to all of your accounts. It doesn’t sound like her mother worked which is not her situation. The “family “ courts always make sure a divorcing wife gets awarded cash and prizes anyway. You better do some digging. Something doesn’t smell right.


she gave me the password once or twice, but i just dont remember it. she knows my password, its our wedding date.... easy to remember. 
and correct her dad is a shark, her mom worked in the family business, had a HUGE shopping problem and i mean huge - she would spend like 12 hours at the mall at a time... so the family cut her off from the funds and gave her a budget. 

as for the gym, my gym is mostly old people honestly its more like a country club, ive been going to gyms my whole life and never "hooked" with anyone from the gym, but i can see what you mean. i just take my workouts very seriously i go to the gym with 1 goal > to improve myself and release stress. my mom is a personal trainer i grew up from birth into this kind of environment.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Benbutton said:


> You have a couple red flags between the separate account and a password protected phone and device.
> Does she guard the phone? If so pretend to leave yours in such a place that would justify the use of hers for an "important" phone call to make. See what she does, it will be quite telling.


her ipad and iphone are connected same apps same conversations i noticed a few days ago. im gonna wait to get it from our daughter while she is using it and snoop on that. her phone is usually on her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> when I first got married and we bought a house I had to keep a couple hundred dollars in our closet, my husband didn’t understand why not the bank. I also always keep a full pantry which now includes home canned items as well. He was kind enough to never give **** about it. When my parents got divorced we had food insecurity and I knew with $100 I could but black pants and shoes and get a job at Waffle House. Have enough to buy food until the job started. It’s been 28 years and I now have assets close to enough to retire and I still can’t sleep with an empty pantry.


that is a great story!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> her ipad and iphone are connected same apps same conversations i noticed a few days ago. im gonna wait to get it from our daughter while she is using it and snoop on that. her phone is usually on her.


I do agree with you on checking on her messages to try and figure out what is going on. However, if it just turns out just to be an issue of insecurity on her part then I suggest giving in a bit and let her have a set amount of money that will give her peace of mind. The money can always be re-acquired later if there is a need for it.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Cooper said:


> The thing I want to add is she communicated to you what she wanted to do, that's big in my book. OP you stated she has access to all your monies, business and personal, and it sounds like you two are comfortable enough financially that you don't live on a budget and monitor your spending. Correct?


correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up 


Cooper said:


> I'm all for full disclosure and shared equity in a marriage, but in this case I would probably let her have her account and hope for the best.


thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$. 
i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom. 

You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)? 

Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.
> 
> This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.
> 
> ...


i only brought up ending the marriage after she said she wants to put a large sum aside for herself i said "well why dont we just do 50-50 and go our separate ways? seems you are building separations here anyway lets just dive in to it head on." 

she did say she wants up both to put equal amounts aside. 

my issue is that its not a smart finance move to lock money up, we could easily take that money and get a 10-15% return, why take it and waste it like that? but my fear is WHY, why would she want to create a separation, why does she want a place she can spend what she wants how she wants and hide it from me?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up
> 
> thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
> i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.


As she frantically crafts an answer😐


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you need to protect yourself. *Now.* Open your own account. Put your income into that so she can't access it. And you may want to revise the business account so she can't drain it if she decides to leave you - there is no quick fix to undo that if she does, so your business is at risk. The same goes for joint credit cards, etc., that she could use instead of "her own" money.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

meme4321 said:


> Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom.
> 
> You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)?
> 
> Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.


the job i set her up with would not be at home, it would allow her to go out and make money whenever she wants, so it would not interrupt our way of life, and she would not have to give up anything else., for example if she would go to an 8hour job this means i would need to take the kid to school and pick her up daily, which means i would not be able to do other things in this time. sure i do pick up and drop off at times, but sometimes i have urgent things at those hours. 
Also she does help me with he business, if she stops id need to hire someone to help me with her responsibilities, which is fine, but would spend more then she would make, we would need babysitters, we would miss out and alot of things that we have today, such as the gym, my whole life i work out, and if she would be out working i most likely would not be able to due to picking up and dropping off the kid, taking care of her after school and what not. 


as for the "threat" she would not give me a reason, that's when i got angry and said those things. only after that did she try to explain, but its not a good reason in my book, her mom got the house - a 3 million house. so.... id say any person would be happy with that. 

i grew up from nothing, really nothing... so yes when she spends something stupid i do sometimes say something about it rarely tho. for example i get tons of gift cards from using credit card points(thousands of$ a month), so when she buys something with money that we could have used a gift card i ask her why didnt we use a gift card? its just sitting there.... 

and i do critic friends of mine that buy 2000$ bag or a 14000 watch, even tho i have the money i still have that feeling inside of me that will forever remember the kid who didnt have money to buy food.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> i only brought up ending the marriage after she said she wants to put a large sum aside for herself i said "well why dont we just do 50-50 and go our separate ways? seems you are building separations here anyway lets just dive in to it head on."
> 
> she did say she wants up both to put equal amounts aside.
> 
> my issue is that its not a smart finance move to lock money up, we could easily take that money and get a 10-15% return, why take it and waste it like that? but my fear is WHY, why would she want to create a separation, why does she want a place she can spend what she wants how she wants and hide it from me?


Because she has plans to split the partnership. No other logical explanation. See if she can give you a good explanation. Wanting to work a minimum wage job to escape home, wanting her own bank account, spending hours away from home at the gym seems she wants to escape from you. Maybe her mother is advising her based on recent experience with your FIL.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> I think you need to protect yourself. *Now.* Open your own account. Put your income into that so she can't access it. And you may want to revise the business account so she can't drain it if she decides to leave you - there is no quick fix to undo that if she does, so your business is at risk. The same goes for joint credit cards, etc., that she could use instead of "her own" money.


i dont think she would do this, she comes from money... her dad is a tycoon owns malls, she grew up with maids and the whole deal, she claims to hate it.
but you are right better safe the sorry, she does not have her daddy bank account anymore lol when we first met she had his credit card and would spend on whatever, she never even looks at the price tag when shopping. when she met me she really changed her ways in that sense to a degree of course.

maybe it is safter for me at this point to give her what she asks for and take for myself as well, cut her off from our joint account, and the company account.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree.

Separate all finances.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

thanks guys to conclude i think i formed a plan of action. 
1 protect myself my daughter as well as our employees in the process, cut her off from our joint account and the business account - need to play it safe. 
2 snoop around her accounts see if i can find a "reason" for this separation she wants to create, 
3 give her some money, if we devoiced she gets half anyway. 
4 try to get her to explain what the heck is behind this.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Honestly #1 is just good business practice, anyway.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Very odd behaviour, if you ask me...


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Because she has plans to split the partnership. No other logical explanation. See if she can give you a good explanation. Wanting to work a minimum wage job to escape home, wanting her own bank account, spending hours away from home at the gym seems she wants to escape from you. Maybe her mother is advising her based on recent experience with your FIL.


I like that and that could be.
Her mother may have told her that she shouldn't be too dependent upon the husband because of the risks of putting all her eggs in one basket.
Her mother would be nearing 70, if not past that, and she is now divorced from her husband with no real way to earn a living. 
I can see that creating insecurity in a woman.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> thanks guys to conclude i think i formed a plan of action.
> 1 protect myself my daughter as well as our employees in the process, cut her off from our joint account and the business account - need to play it safe.
> 2 snoop around her accounts see if i can find a "reason" for this separation she wants to create,
> 3 give her some money, if we devoiced she gets half anyway.
> 4 try to get her to explain what the heck is behind this.


3. The money you set aside would be counted as an asset in the event of a divorce, so its' a awash in that sense. 
I only suggest doing that to bring peace to her mind.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?


What are your company’s bylaws? Would be better to set it up so both of you sign off on disbursements or withdrawals larger than petty cash. What does your CPA advise? If you just unilaterally take her off of the business account hiw does that even happen? Who has ownership of the business?

i have never owned a business but my relatives who did had strict rules in place to prevent any one event from sinking the business. Arent you an LLC or sonething similar?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

nick46davis said:


> do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?


Sure, if she has the income to support that, and you think that's where she's going with these recent changes. However, _only_ do so after protecting your accounts and business, so she can't decide to drain the accounts.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> What are your company’s bylaws? Would be better to set it up so both of you sign off on disbursements or withdrawals larger than petty cash. What does your CPA advise? If you just unilaterally take her off of the business account hiw does that even happen? Who has ownership of the business?
> 
> i have never owned a business but my relatives who did had strict rules in place to prevent any one event from sinking the business. Arent you an LLC or sonething similar?


Well im the only registered owner, i built this company from scratch, working 24/7 as a service tech myself at the start. 
she has the login info, i could just take her phone off from the secondary protection text service and she wont be able to log in without my phone... 

as for taking money out, i give myself a paycheck monthly (less taxes) and she takes half of it or more to her account on regular basis.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> the job i set her up with would not be at home, it would allow her to go out and make money whenever she wants, so it would not interrupt our way of life, and she would not have to give up anything else., for example if she would go to an 8hour job this means i would need to take the kid to school and pick her up daily, which means i would not be able to do other things in this time. sure i do pick up and drop off at times, but sometimes i have urgent things at those hours.
> Also she does help me with he business, if she stops id need to hire someone to help me with her responsibilities, which is fine, but would spend more then she would make, we would need babysitters, we would miss out and alot of things that we have today, such as the gym, my whole life i work out, and if she would be out working i most likely would not be able to due to picking up and dropping off the kid, taking care of her after school and what not.
> 
> 
> ...


Okay, thank you for the reply. I'm going to call a spade a spade here. 

The job YOU set her up with. Is this even a job that she wanted to do? Did you even ask? What was the job she wanted to go try? Was it something she has always wanted to try or is passionate about? Or maybe is she lonely and wanted to get back out into a workforce with people besides you and her child? The job you set her up with sounds commission-based - meaning she would be driving around by herself and talking to people she is going to sell to. Not the same as the friendships she'd make at a single place of business.

Saying in one breath that you could not possibly pick up and take your child to school around your urgent busy schedule, but also saying in a previous post that you only work 2-3 hours a day and sometimes days at a time without anything. You could not possibly give up some time to take YOUR child to school in order for her to go out and explore some things she wants to do? (Also, put your child on the bus??) It sounds to me like you have an incredible amount of free time. Really it came down to that it would adversely affect your workout schedule. I'm sorry, isn't the child in school for 8 hours a day? You couldn't change some things around? Not to mention, by your calculation you both are only working like 10-15 hours a week but you could not possibly pick up that slack there for her duties? You would have to hire someone - to work a few hours a week? None of that adds up and it really feels like you are making excuses to justify your control on the finances (and therefore her). I mean, you are worried about a 10-15% return on investment on a small amount of money that she just wants to have in an account. Like how much money are we even talking about here? 

The purse - which I valued at $300, not $2,000- was an example. A metaphor for your controlling nature. But you answered that question anyways although you inflated what I was saying to make yourself more justified. When she buys something, you question the purchase and HOW she purchased it. This makes her have a longing to just have her own pot of money that she doesn't have to defend every dime to you about. Buying something for yourself, when you have the finances to do so, can bring joy to a person, but that joy is sucked away if someone gives you crap about it at every turn. Trust me, I know from firsthand experience how draining that becomes. Do you allow her to pick out furniture, clothes, etc without checking in with you on it? Just curious. Marriage isn't about controlling eachother's every move. Yes, you should talk through and work finances together and be transparent, but if one person is completely unyielding, always right, manipulative, judging....well, you get where I'm going. I, of course, am not in your marriage. Maybe you misstated your dynamic. But it's something to consider since everyone here thinks she is putting away money to sneak off with some gym rat and leave you. It might be so much simpler than that.

She will not be able to answer on a text how she is feeling controlled by you. She may not even know why she is feeling so stifled. She may not have the words. She may not want to say them for fear of your reaction. Don't immediately think she is having an affair or planning to leave you. Maybe she is just completely overwhelmed by the dynamic that you have with each other and doesn't feel like she can be her own person outside of you. Just consider that. Especially after you have your child break into her phone and find nothing of concern on it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nick46davis said:


> correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up
> 
> thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
> i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.


This really isn’t a text conversation


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## EssexUKMale (12 mo ago)

nick46davis said:


> i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
> basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.
> 
> we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
> ...


Make sure you do the same. My wife and I only put our own money aside for things each others birthday anniversary and Christmas gifts. And we give our selves a allowance for things we want to get. If this is a new thing that suggests big problems to me like she’s checking out of the marriage


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

At what point will she feel comfortable that she has enough of "her" money? Does she have a goal, just sky's the limit?

Although odd behavior to me, I think she is being effected by her parents divorce. It has probably shaken her faith in the permanence of marriage. Have you done anything to encourage that thought, beyond the current disagreements?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> Well im the only registered owner, i built this company from scratch, working 24/7 as a service tech myself at the start.
> she has the login info, i could just take her phone off from the secondary protection text service and she wont be able to log in without my phone...
> 
> as for taking money out, i give myself a paycheck monthly (less taxes) and she takes half of it or more to her account on regular basis.


I think her mom's situation is freaking her out. I don't get the impression that she's intending a future divorce, but she doesn't want to end up like her mom, an old woman with no job skills and you, being the more intelligent and prepared spouse, leaving her with nothing.
That's my sense of the situation.
I know that you are not intending a divorce. I get that.
But putting her in a job that is dependent on your good will is not the best situation for her, because of what happened to her mom.

In Ontario, a man who was an anesthesiologist worked for his doctor wife's clinic and she paid him about three times the typical salary.
Later in the marriage, she divorced him, fired him and she took him to court for child support. The judge ruled that he had to pay the child support that reflected his salary.
He told the judge that there were no jobs for anesthesiologists that paid what he got paid. The judge ruled against him and he ended up committing suicide because he couldn't meet the conditions of the court.

If you're concerned about her income level, support her in obtaining job skills that will give her a job with a better income in an industry that she is interested in.
I think if you show her that you care about what happens to her, in the event of life uncertainties, she'll calm down.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

nick46davis said:


> do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?


No because the bills weren’t created with that in mind. 

you created a lifestyle based on your business and then want to cut her out of the business but expect her to pay half.

you threaten her with divorce before ever figuring out where the request is coming from. You are destabilizing the marriage and wonder why she doesn’t feel stable.

so you either want a divorce or not. If you do of course she’s going to feel insecure. If not then threatening a divorce is considered abusive to get your own way.

don’t be surprised if you have set something in motion that can’t be undone. You’ve now taken her emotions around this insecurity which probably originated from her parents divorce and transferred them to you. So subconsciously whatever ****ty crap her dad is pulling on her mom in now how she’s going to feel about you. This is going to leave her emotionally vulnerable.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> At what point will she feel comfortable that she has enough of "her" money? Does she have a goal, just sky's the limit?
> 
> Although odd behavior to me, I think she is being effected by her parents divorce. It has probably shaken her faith in the permanence of marriage. Have you done anything to encourage that thought, beyond the current disagreements?


Yeah he’s threatened her with divorce. So I’m sure she feels really secure now.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

You keep digging deeper and deeper. Now you talk about the business that you built from the ground up. It's yours. She has no ownership. In fact, you can bar her from access to it easily. Yet she has no other means of income for herself outside of said business. She has tried to get a job outside of it and you stopped that. There you go. You don't see this marriage as a partnership. What's hers is yours and what's yours is yours. This is why she is scared and trying to protect herself.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> I do agree with you on checking on her messages to try and figure out what is going on. However, if it just turns out just to be an issue of insecurity on her part then I suggest giving in a bit and let her have a set amount of money that will give her peace of mind. The money can always be re-acquired later if there is a need for it.


people who all their lives were very secure....all of a sudden start feeling more insecure as they get older. We see friends and relatives dying. we see couples we partied with getting divorced. At some point in time, we no longer feel like we are invincible supermen, and just want to keep a low profile and not stick up. the nail heads that stick up get the hammer!

so, maybe she is just aging and not feeling like superwoman anymore


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

meme4321 said:


> Okay, thank you for the reply. I'm going to call a spade a spade here.
> 
> The job YOU set her up with. Is this even a job that she wanted to do? Did you even ask? What was the job she wanted to go try? Was it something she has always wanted to try or is passionate about? Or maybe is she lonely and wanted to get back out into a workforce with people besides you and her child? The job you set her up with sounds commission-based - meaning she would be driving around by herself and talking to people she is going to sell to. Not the same as the friendships she'd make at a single place of business.
> 
> ...


so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must. 
she then applied to a few and got accepted to a customer service job on the phone... its not what she wanted, if its something she WANTS to do i dont care about the money. 
as for the job i set for her, she wanted it and was exited about it, we even drove 18 hours the whole family for a week so we can train her to where most of our work is and we drove because she would need a car and our tools

as for my job, yes i can get away with working very little, at times there are urgent things that cannot wait and need attention immediately. i mean i even pull over the car at times on the highway to settle issues. i do take and pick up my kid from school, its not like i dont. but i cant be 100% sure i will be free at that moment due to the nature of our emergency based service business. and the last thing i want is my kid waiting and being the last one to be picked up, i was that kid growing up, i was the kid who wasn't sure if i need to walk 3 hours back home because my parents each thought the other will come and get me, hell sometimes id go to a friends house spend the night and the next day id be picked up like nothing happened. 
and one of the things i am worried about is yes 10-15% of what IS NOT a small amount of $. i am more worried as of the WHY she wants it. 

and yes i would need to hire a manager for all my dispatchers, someone who will be on top of things all the time, while there is usually very little amount of work, this person needs to be available ALL the time... things like fights between our dispatchers and other issues that take 5-40 min to take care of, but are URGENT and unknown when it will happen for this reason this manager needs to be able to deal with it as it comes up and be on call. its not a lot of work, but VERY IMPORTANT work. 


also you make it sound like EVREY TIME (OR DIME) she buys something i yell at her. this is far from the case. its only when i see an amazon package which she got something from amazon when we have thousands of $$ in gift cards laying around. why use money when you can use a gift card? she gets what she wants when she wants from her account anyway taking at least 60% of our monthly paycheck into her own account. she buys plenty i dont say a word on, when we want to buy something "big" like furniture that we do not need i do at times say maybe we should wait for a sale? 
or for example she wanted a new closet - fine we went to the store and she wanted the most expensive thing they had, i told her look if you really want it sure lets get it, but look at this one that i think is just as nice and a 1/3 of the price, its saves space just the same... so you may have a partial point here. but its only when its really out of line spending thousands we dont need to spend. 

what can i say, i grew up with nothing counting every dime of my own and where i spend it to make sure i can eat for the week. i lived on my own and worked since i was around 13-15. so i dont like wasting money on stuff we dont need, and dont like wasting money when there is a cheaper option which is just as good.. does not mean i am cheap and dont let her spend, she gets paid more then i do from my company and gets what she wants from that $....


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

meme4321 said:


> You keep digging deeper and deeper. Now you talk about the business that you built from the ground up. It's yours. She has no ownership. In fact, you can bar her from access to it easily. Yet she has no other means of income for herself outside of said business. She has tried to get a job outside of it and you stopped that. There you go. You don't see this marriage as a partnership. What's hers is yours and what's yours is yours. This is why she is scared and trying to protect herself.


yes i did build this business, and yes i am registered as the only owner, however she gets more $$ out of it then me. and the job we trained her to do, she can do with me or without. its a job that can makes easy 6 figures working at your own time at your own pace, now compare that to a job that makes 20-30k a year. i told her go do something useful something you WANT TO DO regardless to money. as said above she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go take the course and volunteer if you must. but dont take on a job that you dont want, that will just make us spend more $$ for nothing. i gave her MY ADVICE i did not block anything.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must.
> she then applied to a few and got accepted to a customer service job on the phone... its not what she wanted, if its something she WANTS to do i dont care about the money.
> as for the job i set for her, she wanted it and was exited about it, we even drove 18 hours the whole family for a week so we can train her to where most of our work is and we drove because she would need a car and our tools
> 
> ...


Okay, thanks for explaining it better. That is a bit more understandable. I'd just talk to her and see why she is feeling the need to do this. She must think she is in a similar situation as her mother. Working at a business owned by her husband. She should continue to look into being a paramedic. If that is something she has wanted to do, she should absolutely go for it! Also, for the love, buy a second car? She can't even get herself around without borrowing your car? Am I understanding that right?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would be not to mention everything else you wrote. She is separating her life from you and has been for a while it seems.

Very common with people in an affair.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> Well im the only registered owner, i built this company from scratch, working 24/7 as a service tech myself at the start.
> she has the login info, i could just take her phone off from the secondary protection text service and she wont be able to log in without my phone...
> 
> as for taking money out, i give myself a paycheck monthly (less taxes) and she takes half of it or more to her account on regular basis.


So you are a sole proprietorship? That is maybe what scared her after her mother's experience. Just taking her off the business account will tip her off that something is afoot. You dont want deep pockets and well connected daddy rescuing his baby girl. 

Surely you have a CPA and attorney for your business. Explain the issue and ask their advice. Would restructuring into an LLC actually protect your business and personal finances from lawsuits etc while also protecting against wife draining the business accounts. Couched as restructuring because business has grown too big for sole proprietor is a goid reason. What about a trust arrangement?

Meanwhile, suggest just splitting majority of joint personal account into individual accounts. Gives her what she wsnts and protects you sonewhat.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must.
> she then applied to a few and got accepted to a customer service job on the phone... its not what she wanted, if its something she WANTS to do i dont care about the money.
> as for the job i set for her, she wanted it and was exited about it, we even drove 18 hours the whole family for a week so we can train her to where most of our work is and we drove because she would need a car and our tools
> 
> ...


I agree with you about her not frittering away money on momentary enthusiasms.
My suggestion in that case is to tell her to volunteer for a set time. If she maintain discipline in her interest for a set time, you'll pay for her classes.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I agree with you about her not frittering away money on momentary enthusiasms.
> My suggestion in that case is to tell her to volunteer for a set time. If she maintain discipline in her interest for a set time, you'll pay for her classes.


 This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

meme4321 said:


> Okay, thanks for explaining it better. That is a bit more understandable. I'd just talk to her and see why she is feeling the need to do this. She must think she is in a similar situation as her mother. Working at a business owned by her husband. She should continue to look into being a paramedic. If that is something she has wanted to do, she should absolutely go for it! Also, for the love, buy a second car? She can't even get herself around without borrowing your car? Am I understanding that right?


if she wanted a second car we would get it no problem. thing is 99% of the time our car sits in the driveway. we nearly ever use it as is, she uses it when she wants does not need my permission. the car is a 2019 and has less then 25k miles on it... and we drove it from south FL to ST LOUIS and back like 3-4 times. 

she is the one who does not want a second car, i love the 4 runner, but i would love to get her a sexy sport car (or whatever car) i think it would look great on our driveway lol. but she says and is right we dont use the car we have so why get another one. 

ID LIKE TO ADD her mom is going though therapy, she tried to kill herself a while ago, my wife and her brothers have weekly zoom meetings with a shrink and her mom. and what you say about working in a company owned by the husband does reflect her moms past situation exactly. now she is cut off from her family money because she has a HUGE spending problem- i mean huge. she still has maids and food in the house fancy car and everything many people can only dream of. 

Her mom has some issues tons of them, and everything falls on my wife, my wife gets the meds cuz they are cheaper here in the usa (mom lives in oversees) my wife deals with the shrink, mom calls her and puts her in the middle of every little aspect of her life, things she should not be part of like the husband cheating, she asks my wife to tell her dad this or that really ugly stuff that she should really not be part of. i can see why should fear to became her mom.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

meme4321 said:


> This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.


he does have a point. my wife started many things she wanted to do, many courses she started we paid for in full, but she never finished any of them....


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> I agree with you about her not frittering away money on momentary enthusiasms.
> My suggestion in that case is to tell her to volunteer for a set time. If she maintain discipline in her interest for a set time, you'll pay for her classes.


id dont mind paying for courses. id love to even if she doesn't finish them. especially in the medical field that could save a life one day with even if only partial course is done


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

meme4321 said:


> This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.


His main concern is her not taking her potential career seriously. He doesn't want to lay out thousands of dollars just to have her walk away because she got tired of the course.
He probably has an idea of what his wife is like in this regard. There are people who cannot be serious enough about their ambitions to follow through to the end. 
She doesn't have an independent income of her own, so she is momentarily dependent on him no matter what. 
If she is serious about what she wants, my suggestion seems to meet all the concerns of this thread.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

nick46davis said:


> correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up
> 
> thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
> i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.


If her moms divorce is ugly as you say is it pissible she wants to start financially supporting her mom? Or give her money for legal fees? Would you be OK if that was her reason?


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Where is your wife from anyway? It is common for wives to keep some extra money on the side in some culture


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you agree to both put some money aside, the same amount in each account, then got for it. It does seem odd when you are so very well off that she would need to do it but as long as you are both open about it with each other and how much you have in there, then it could work.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

nick46davis said:


> also you make it sound like EVREY TIME (OR DIME) she buys something i yell at her. this is far from the case. its only when i see an amazon package which she got something from amazon when we have thousands of $$ in gift cards laying around. why use money when you can use a gift card?


i hate gift cards, because they never get used.
there are services where for a small fee you hand in the gift card, and they give you back cash! trade them all in if she forgets to use them


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Cooper said:


> If her moms divorce is ugly as you say is it pissible she wants to start financially supporting her mom? Or give her money for legal fees? Would you be OK if that was her reason?


hmm good question. well i dont think we should be involved in this in any way shape or form. i dont want to piss off her dad, this does make sense tho that she would want to her her out. and know that i would not want to take sides.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nick,

You wrote,

*she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did. *

My experience with "trainers" at gyms is that they are narcissistic individuals who are in the job because it gives them ample opportunity to work on their own physiques. However it's not the kind of profession where they become wealthy enough to buy the kind of status goods they think they deserve, so they are always hungry for more. To keep getting paid they need to ply their clients with complements and they get good at it, and good at identifying rich ones. So they keep weak emotion affairs, EAs, simmering on the back burner with multiple clients.

There is also the issue of inappropriate touching that they do with their clients under the guise of helping them perform an exercise, which I don't see them doing with really old clients.

Does your W text this woman frequently or give her life advice. Is the trainer divorced or unattached, what do you know about her.

Did your sex life change suddenly or gradually or become less passionate or romantic.

I would guess your W is attached to this trainer and hence her need to follow her, gender matters less for EAs.

I once saw a letter on the wall at my gym from a client of a male trainer praising him to high heaven, the letter ended with her saying the trainer was her best friend but he didn't know it.

Please don't say you would want your W to have an affair with this trainer, most affairs result in your spouse abandoning you emotionally, financially and physically, and are complete nightmares.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

fluffycoco said:


> Where is your wife from anyway? It is common for wives to keep some extra money on the side in some culture


she grew up in Mexico, her dad is israeli her mom is Mexican. she considers herself a proud mexican and would not give up her Mexican or Israeli passport for a American one. 
im gonna research this thanks,


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> If you agree to both put some money aside, the same amount in each account, then got for it. It does seem odd when you are so very well off that she would need to do it but as long as you are both open about it with each other and how much you have in there, then it could work.


i personally think we should be a team, one unit. i dont think hiding things is healthy for a partnership of any kind. but, there were some good points in this thread i need to explore


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> i personally think we should be a team, one unit. i dont think hiding things is healthy for a partnership of any kind. but, there were some good points in this thread i need to explore


I agree with you on being a team.

In my thinking, if she wants to earn an income then support her on that. 
Any income that she earns goes into the communal pot that you then meet your financial goals and she can take some for her separate bank account for personal security. Of course, you do the same, just to keep the marriage on par so nobody has an undue advantage here.
Sometimes, as a team, you have to give a little bit. Since her concern is being financially insecure, let her be financially secure by having that individual bank account. The amount means nothing in the overall picture, because it would be an asset that gets counted in the divorce and it makes her feel better to have it. It removes a fear about the marriage for her.
It's also a way to show her that you're willing to protect her about her worst fears about being abandoned at her most vulnerable point in life, just like her mom.


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## nick46davis (12 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Nick,
> 
> You wrote,
> 
> ...


hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i know about the trainers daughter, but never heard of her husband. and it is odd that she changed gyms after her, and she only goes to train when this trainer is here. her trainer competes in body building competitions and gives her a really really good price, they are good friends and have their own little gym team going, she was very upset at me when i didnt want to go to their new years party(turned out we had covid so better we didn't go). 

but really we are new to the area moved here just a few years ago, and we dont have many friends here i think its good she has some friends they go to coffee here and there and stuff. i think the gym really is an excuse to get out of the house and be with other people... i really like her trainer and get more compliments from her trainer then i do from my wife about my physical abilities lol. but true thats what trainers do for a living make their clients feel better about themselves so they keep coming back

maybe i should change gyms as some said before just to see her reaction. 

as for our sex life, we are married for 10 years, yes it is not what it used to be for a while now. i assumed this is normal.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

meme4321 said:


> This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.


No, this is how prudent people with finite resources conduct themselves.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i know about the trainers daughter, but never heard of her husband. and it is odd that she changed gyms after her, and she only goes to train when this trainer is here. her trainer competes in body building competitions and gives her a really really good price, they are good friends and have their own little gym team going, she was very upset at me when i didnt want to go to their new years party(turned out we had covid so better we didn't go).
> 
> but really we are new to the area moved here just a few years ago, and we dont have many friends here i think its good she has some friends they go to coffee here and there and stuff. i think the gym really is an excuse to get out of the house and be with other people... i really like her trainer and get more compliments from her trainer then i do from my wife about my physical abilities lol. but true thats what trainers do for a living make their clients feel better about themselves so they keep coming back
> 
> ...


No kids? Then I wouldn't call it normal if it dropped off significantly. I'm married 30+ years and it is as good as it has ever been. It slowed of course while we raised our kids. There is an ebb and flow but a drastic drop off is a sig of something. Not necessarily cheating, but maybe a lessening of attractions. That is something worth working on and improving. I'm convinced that keeping a strong sexual and intimate relationship keeps helps keep the marriage as a whole healthy.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

nick46davis said:


> yes she is, very. she wanted to go work somewhere for $15 an hour, i did the math with her and explained that it would cost us more $$ for her to go to work this job then she would make. so together we figured out a higher paying job with in the company as we would pay any of our techs, and are working on getting jobs for here here that she can leave the house and feel useful, but this comes down to the same issues - WHY DOES she want "her own money" ? i mean a buck is a buck people would kill to have the life we do.
> 
> 
> this situation makes me think i have to to something aside to make sure i dont wake up one day with 0 or worse.


I think you need to take this opportunity of your wife bringing up accounts to LIMIT the access, or at least the unfettered access, to your business accounts if nothing else. Change those accounts to require BOTH of your signatures to do anything. If she gets her own account, then you do also, and make sure she doesn't start pulling from your accounts to start funding hers.
I am also suspicious of something else going on, not just her mother. Not sure WHY her mother would end up with NOTHING considering most divorces, the assets are split 50/50.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> he does have a point. my wife started many things she wanted to do, many courses she started we paid for in full, but she never finished any of them....
> [/QUOTE





jonty30 said:


> His main concern is her not taking her potential career seriously. He doesn't want to lay out thousands of dollars just to have her walk away because she got tired of the course.
> He probably has an idea of what his wife is like in this regard. There are people who cannot be serious enough about their ambitions to follow through to the end.
> She doesn't have an independent income of her own, so she is momentarily dependent on him no matter what.
> If she is serious about what she wants, my suggestion seems to meet all the concerns of this thread.


No, his main concern is that she is stockpiling money away in her own account and he doesn’t understand why. And I’m offering the perspective that it’s because he is possibly controlling what she does, including a career. True or not, if this is the reason, and he tells her that she has to do something for x amount of time before HE will pay for it, that just reinforces the problem. He’s upset at the idea of separate lives and finances yet it’s not really half her money, is it? She’s not an equal partner here. Not really. At least not with this advise.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i
> 
> as for our sex life, we are married for 10 years, yes it is not what it used to be for a while now. i assumed this is normal.


So your wife is going to the gym to be with the trainer? Not to train?

Some would say the passion wanes after a decade married. Some would say that is normal. I would say that is only true if a couple allows it. And ignoring it is not a good idea IMO. Awhile now is how long? Is there anything that coincided with the dropoff? 

Since your gym work is focused on building yourself, I would think moving to your wifes gym would be a great idea. A win on many levels, put a crimp into any funny business too. Heck maybe you can train together with your wife using the same trainer 😊


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

nick46davis said:


> so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must.
> she then applied to a few and got accepted to a customer service job on the phone... its not what she wanted, if its something she WANTS to do i dont care about the money.
> as for the job i set for her, she wanted it and was exited about it, we even drove 18 hours the whole family for a week so we can train her to where most of our work is and we drove because she would need a car and our tools
> 
> ...


So wait -- she takes 60 % of YOUR salary to HER OWN account? I thought the issue was that she wanted her own account, but it seem s ike she already has that?

If she is working for the business, she should get her own paycheck and put THAT into HER account, YOUR money goes in to HER account and then based on the ratio of your/her salary, you each pay that share into your common account to pay the bills, no? Seems like that should be the rationale way to set this up. 
AND she should NOT have unfettered access to the business accounts. You need to protect the business itself -- there are people depending on you, so no one person should be able to determine where those $$$ go...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

meme4321 said:


> No, his main concern is that she is stockpiling money away in her own account and he doesn’t understand why. And I’m offering the perspective that it’s because he is possibly controlling what she does, including a career. True or not, if this is the reason, and he tells her that she has to do something for x amount of time before HE will pay for it, that just reinforces the problem. He’s upset at the idea of separate lives and finances yet it’s not really half her money, is it? She’s not an equal partner here. Not really. At least not with this advise.


I'm leaning toward agreeing with the above. This is one of those post I wish I could hear both parties thoughts and reasonings.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nick46davis said:


> i personally think we should be a team, one unit. i dont think hiding things is healthy for a partnership of any kind. but, there were some good points in this thread i need to explore


I agree. I would be very concerned if my husband did what your wife has because we share everything. However a lot of married couples seem to have their own accounts now.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

nick46davis said:


> hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i know about the trainers daughter, but never heard of her husband. and it is odd that she changed gyms after her, and she only goes to train when this trainer is here. her trainer competes in body building competitions and gives her a really really good price, they are good friends and have their own little gym team going, she was very upset at me when i didnt want to go to their new years party(turned out we had covid so better we didn't go).
> 
> but really we are new to the area moved here just a few years ago, and we dont have many friends here i think its good she has some friends they go to coffee here and there and stuff. i think the gym really is an excuse to get out of the house and be with other people... i really like her trainer and get more compliments from her trainer then i do from my wife about my physical abilities lol. but true thats what trainers do for a living make their clients feel better about themselves so they keep coming back
> 
> ...


My wife and I are together 25 yrs and sex is 5x week. Separate account is hinky in my book. I would not have my wife going to separate gym. If it is important to her to stay with her trainer and you have nothing in particular keeping you at your gym....move with her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, what is with all of the precipice dancing over her wanting her own money?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

nick46davis said:


> i personally think we should be a team, one unit. i dont think hiding things is healthy for a partnership of any kind. but, there were some good points in this thread i need to explore


Threatening her with divorce seems to fly in the face of your assertion. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

nick46davis said:


> i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
> basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.
> 
> we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
> ...




Outside of identity theft purposes, having separate accounts shows a lack of trust. My wife and I have spearate accounts but that is because of security reasons as I know we always share the money as we pool it.

I get your question but since you seem to be the bread winner, tell her you are opening your own separate accounts and pull the power play and see what her reaction is. You will get your answer fast.

Mine and yours has to be an awful existence in marriage. If my wife won mega millions and kept it all for herself, it wouldn't work. She would own me, control me or I would be a worthless partner unless she controlled me.

This is either an exit strategy or a control thing.

Snub it and I mean fast or open your own crap and deprive her. That will straighten it out


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> That's a very good question.
> Who made the choice of a different gym?


ding ding. I am with you and Diana on this


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

nick46davis said:


> i have life insurance. in case of my death she would get it all + more. and she as of now also has it all, she is the one with access to stuff that i dont have access to not vise versa. and she has all the money she needs. seems to me she want to hide something.


how does she have access to stuff you don't ? Really ???


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.
> 
> This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.
> 
> ...


obviously, if you don't see the red flags here, then that's on you. This is his issue, she's trying to change the rules of the game mid marriage and he's trying to figure out why. Why do you blame him ????


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I think you need to protect yourself. *Now.* Open your own account. Put your income into that so she can't access it. And you may want to revise the business account so she can't drain it if she decides to leave you - there is no quick fix to undo that if she does, so your business is at risk. The same goes for joint credit cards, etc., that she could use instead of "her own" money.


amen on this


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

meme4321 said:


> Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom.
> 
> You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)?
> 
> Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.


yeah that response by you was so helpful 

Not !!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

nick46davis said:


> i dont think she would do this, she comes from money... her dad is a tycoon owns malls, she grew up with maids and the whole deal, she claims to hate it.
> but you are right better safe the sorry, she does not have her daddy bank account anymore lol when we first met she had his credit card and would spend on whatever, she never even looks at the price tag when shopping. when she met me she really changed her ways in that sense to a degree of course.
> 
> maybe it is safter for me at this point to give her what she asks for and take for myself as well, cut her off from our joint account, and the company account.


yes, cut her off from your company account. Until she explains herself and until you can trust her again, she shouldn't have access to that. Get your own account. Have daddy bail her out


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EssexUKMale said:


> Make sure you do the same. My wife and I only put our own money aside for things each others birthday anniversary and Christmas gifts. And we give our selves a allowance for things we want to get. If this is a new thing that suggests big problems to me like she’s checking out of the marriage


yeah, my wife and I have different accounts for the reason of budgeting and because of identity theft. Outside of that, everything we own is both of ours.

Something stinks in this situation


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Op, have you asked her directly why she is doing it? Have you asked her specifically how much is in there? 
Can you agree that you both have accounts and that you both put the same amount in each account and be open with each other with the statements?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

It's one thing her wanting to put money aside for herself but for her to want to put a "large sum aside for herself"??

Something isn't right....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It sounds like money isn't an issue for either spouse including generational money, which makes the focus on money perhaps not the usual I'm getting ready to leave you. Not guaranteed of course but the W has money available to her at any time, anyway.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It sounds like money isn't an issue for either spouse including generational money, which makes the focus on money perhaps not the usual I'm getting ready to leave you. Not guaranteed of course but the W has money available to her at any time, anyway.


I am seeing some of what another poster wrote about OP controlling funds. As an example, the wife evidently embarks on things she never finishes. Like wanting to be a paramedic and not finishing the task. And when she proposes an expenditure, OP is approving or disapproving. She grew up wealthy, he grew up poor. She has a wealthy father who after many years married has divorced her mother, and she *perceives* her mother is left without means of supporting herself in old age. He has been poor, and has an understandable concern about becoming poor again.

So there is a dynamic between the two creating some tension. Honestly, the wife and I have all in common. And neither of us questions what the other chooses to buy. The wife buys probably more clothing than she needs, her closet overflows, but enjoys dressing well. She grew up poor, and resolved as a young girl that someday she would buy clothes in a nice store. It *greatly* pleases me to see her enjoy dressing well. I buy *expensive* hobby stuff, all certainly more than needed.. I grew up lower middle class. We both know how much we have and control ourselves. 

I can imagine the OP's wife wants some money that she needn't account for. And a safety net if OP repeats what her father did. It is her *perception* that counts. I can imagine if my wife took control of my hobby spending and argued about every purchase made, it wouldn't be a happy experience. I would return the favor and as a result we would have some conflict over finances.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Diana7 said:


> Op, have you asked her directly why she is doing it? Have you asked her specifically how much is in there?
> Can you agree that you both have accounts and that you both put the same amount in each account and be open with each other with the statements?


I don't think she is already putting money aside. The original post said they were going to have a winfall from an investment and she asked if she could take a chunk of that money for herself. 

One thing I never saw posted was the amount, or did I miss that? I think that makes a difference.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cooper said:


> I don't think she is already putting money aside. The original post said they were going to have a winfall from an investment and she asked if she could take a chunk of that money for herself.
> 
> One thing I never saw posted was the amount, or did I miss that? I think that makes a difference.


Se has been stashing some away, 50-60% of HIS paycheck I believe. Now she wants to sock away some of this investment money coming in. I can understand her insecurity, but this really seems odd.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Se has been stashing some away, 50-60% of HIS paycheck I believe. Now she wants to sock away some of this investment money coming in. I can understand her insecurity, but this really seems odd.


I must have missed that part, thanks for pointing it out.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Se has been stashing some away, 50-60% of HIS paycheck I believe. Now she wants to sock away some of this investment money coming in. I can understand her insecurity, but this really seems odd.


yeah something is bad here


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> That all takes time.
> It's better to have some money onhand that doesn't take a few months to access.
> I agree you to find out if she's planning a divorce or if she's having an affair with her trainer and everything.
> I'm just saying that if she is just setting aside some money for personal security, just because of the mishaps in life that, in itself, is not a bad thing.
> ...


She has access to everything, 7 figures it sounds like. The only thing is the life insurance which really isn’t needed.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ABHale said:


> She has access to everything, 7 figures it sounds like. The only thing is the life insurance which really isn’t needed.


I understand that.
Her issue is being secure when she gets older, when her husband holds all the financial cards.
She's looking for assurance that she won't end up like her mom.
In my opinion, it would be best to give her that assurance by allowing her that bank account.
If the marriage went south, it would be counted asset so it's awash in that respect.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I don't think money is actually the issue for either of them.

He obviously isn't comfortable if he isn't in charge of the money, the business and her life. He wants to be in control. Maybe he thinks if she had the means she'd leave. 

She is obviously realizing that she has no money of her own. It is probably the parents divorce that has triggered her. But face it he wants to be in charge. Maybe she's tired of the control.

He wants her to do the house stuff or work for his company.

Maybe this could be solved by allowing a separate account and giving her monthly deposits as her salary for working for the company or being the beck and call girl for the kids.

And it doesn't matter how much 10% is it is still 10%. which isn't much.

OP I suggest you look at some of the more famous money people sites like suzy orman or dave ramsey.
While earning 10% is great money isn't useful if it doesn't make your happy and feel secure. Besides who says hers would simply sit there. She can invest it as well. 

You never really answered if you have a tendency to put all your eggs in one basket like your business or flipping property. When bubbles pop that can cause problems.

But as Jonty pointed out. As long as you keep track of the money put in the account it really shouldn't matter in a divorce that would be taken into account. So what is your real worry about her having her own account. You are worried she'll gain independence from you. 

I want to point out that I'm in a marriage of 28 years that has had combined finances from the beginning. I've made some choice for my family and for myself that means I make less than my husband. I am the money person. I made financial decision based on OUR family and OUR retirement. But my parent divorced around the 20 year mark and his around 24 mark. So even though we have an amazing marriage I started feeling antsy. I got nervous. I pointed out to him one day that if we got divorced I'd get screwed because I had him put the majority of money in 401k due to his employer matching. He also has a pension which I don't have. Had I been planning separate retirements I would have put more in mine. But due to matching and gains I had him do much more. He now has 2:1 as a ratio plus a pension. What's my point. Despite our good marriage, despite this is due to my planning when I let him know that rationally or irrationally it made me uneasy, he said, ' so let's start putting more in your accounts'. 

He understood it isn't about me leaving it's about me feeling safe.

If you wife is going to leave, she is going to leave. But if she stays shouldn't you work on understanding how she maybe impacted by how you seem to have control of all the money. Yes she can spend but you could also change that anytime you want.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

meme4321 said:


> Okay, thank you for the reply. I'm going to call a spade a spade here.
> 
> The job YOU set her up with. Is this even a job that she wanted to do? Did you even ask? What was the job she wanted to go try? Was it something she has always wanted to try or is passionate about? Or maybe is she lonely and wanted to get back out into a workforce with people besides you and her child? The job you set her up with sounds commission-based - meaning she would be driving around by herself and talking to people she is going to sell to. Not the same as the friendships she'd make at a single place of business.
> 
> ...





meme4321 said:


> This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.


 The guy makes loads of money, supports his wife in any freaking thing she wants to do, works out and keeps himself in shape snd looking good, apparently doesn’t cheat, that’s her like a queen……………….. and she suddenly wants SEPARATE money???????

It is amazing how no matter what a man does, he is gonna be demonized by some people. 
He fats sideways…… he is pushing her away. He builds a business and makes tons of money but dislikes frivolous, mindless, wasteful spending….. He’s selfish and COntrolling!
He works out and takes care of himself………. Oh hell, he will be branded a womanizer soon. Get ready for it OP. There’s some man haters on here.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

nick46davis said:


> "nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt".
> 
> 
> "it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to".


These two comments fight with one another. I see a lot of that on here


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> The guy makes loads of money, supports his wife in any freaking thing she wants to do, works out and keeps himself in shape snd looking good, apparently doesn’t cheat, that’s her like a queen……………….. and she suddenly wants SEPARATE money???????
> 
> It is amazing how no matter what a man does, he is gonna be demonized by some people.
> He fats sideways…… he is pushing her away. He builds a business and makes tons of money but dislikes frivolous, mindless, wasteful spending….. He’s selfish and COntrolling!
> He works out and takes care of himself………. Oh hell, he will be branded a womanizer soon. Get ready for it OP. There’s some man haters on here.


Nobody is a villain here.
The wife just sees what happened to her mom and is concerned about it happening to her.
If I was married to a woman, who controlled all the finances and this happened to her parent and her father was left with nothing, I'd be wondering what could happen to me as well.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> Nobody is a villain here.
> The wife just sees what happened to her mom and is concerned about it happening to her.
> If I was married to a woman, who controlled all the finances and this happened to her parent and her father was left with nothing, I'd be wondering what could happen to me as well.


I disagree. The man has done nothing wrong. His wife suddenly wants to start her own thing with “her money”. They are MARRIED. There’s plenty of laws that more than protect her. What she is doing with half his paycheck and wanting to do with more is acting like a separate person. HE has every right to wonder what her motivation is. It doesn’t matter her excuse. What she’s doing is wrong. He’s not controlling at all. He’s been treating her like a Queen. 

OP, nobody knows her true motivations but her, and she got damned defensive when you rightly asked why. Not a good sign, abd you are correct to worry about this. It’s not what a wife that’s in love with her husband and who has always been treated well does.

Don’t tolerate her insecurity or ill motivations. Do what you think is right for the both of you. Allowing her insecurity or whatever other motivations to cause you distress isn’t right.

I suggest going with your wife to a neutral party and discussing this in depth. And done detective work.

btw. Women sometimes cheat with other women. It happens. Not saying that is what, I’m saying detective mode is wise when you don’t understand what a spouse’s motivations are.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree. The man has done nothing wrong. His wife suddenly wants to start her own thing with “her money”. They are MARRIED. There’s plenty of laws that more than protect her. What she is doing with half his paycheck and wanting to do with more is acting like a separate person. HE has every right to wonder what her motivation is. It doesn’t matter her excuse. What she’s doing is wrong. He’s not controlling at all. He’s been treating her like a Queen.
> 
> OP, nobody knows her true motivations but her, and she got damned defensive when you rightly asked why. Not a good sign, abd you are correct to worry about this. It’s not what a wife that’s in love with her husband and who has always been treated well does.
> 
> ...


When I say that nobody is a villain, it means that the man has done nothing wrong either. 
The woman is just freaking about what happened to her mom and she is just looking for security in case it happens to her.
It does not mean her husband is like her father.
She's not being a villain either in this scenario. 
If I were her husband, I would allay her fears to rest by allowing her to have a bank account. 
The money is a awash, regarless of its location. 

Of course he should do detective work to make sure that is her only motivations.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I smell a rat. More than just freaking out about her mom. I wonder what her reaction would be If he asked for access to the account. If her answer is no, I’d say he’ll no. He never has separate accounts with her no access. It’s bs. I hope you are correct Jonty.

They need to discuss this so that both of them are good with it, and until both parties are satisfied, nothing changes. At the very least, this will cause both of them resentment if it’s not a team thing (although I don’t see how it could be). Sounds like he’s a team player and she’s wanting to do a solo type thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she is being secretive about how much she has then that's odd. 
If I had access to all the money she has I would feel like the Queen. I would certainly not feel any need to have a rather secretive attitude to an account.


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## GG1061 (Apr 20, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.
> 
> as for the joint account.... i did ask her, of course. her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers.... i dont think she gets it that we dont have any prenup and if we do separate, then she gets half anyway.
> 
> the main thing that bothers me here is she is being a huge BI** about it, im honestly thinking of ending this marriage over this, i see this as a separation and i want my family united. i dont know why buy i feel a family should be one unit. she wouldn't want me to be able to see what in her account and what she spends money on... very strange and i just dont trust her anymore.


She could be thinking this is a form of divorce insurance. Wonder if there actually is such a thing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> I understand that.
> Her issue is being secure when she gets older, when her husband holds all the financial cards.
> She's looking for assurance that she won't end up like her mom.
> In my opinion, it would be best to give her that assurance by allowing her that bank account.
> If the marriage went south, it would be counted asset so it's awash in that respect.


She is going to end up like her mom doing what she is. She is destroying her marriage by destroying OP’s trust in her.

He has given her access to everything, yet she is the one with an account with her own name on it? I would kind of understand if it was money she was earning from her own job. It is money that she is pulling from a joint account. Now she wants money from the investment as well.

Sounds like a go fund. When she is ready to leave, she is gone.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Nobody is a villain here.
> The wife just sees what happened to her mom and is concerned about it happening to her.
> If I was married to a woman, who controlled all the finances and this happened to her parent and her father was left with nothing, I'd be wondering what could happen to me as well.


OP doesn’t control all the finances, she has access to all of it.

If she was worried about this then she should’ve talked with OP about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't think money is actually the issue for either of them.
> 
> He obviously isn't comfortable if he isn't in charge of the money, the business and her life. He wants to be in control. Maybe he thinks if she had the means she'd leave.
> 
> ...


i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

He doesn’t say she controls the money. OP isn’t hiding or keeping her from the funds in the account. He was all for her having her account at the start. He is wondering why it went from their money to her needing her own account. An account that it sounds like she is stashing quite a bit of money in. If it was something she could keep track of her spending with is one thing, like gifts and things. That isn’t what this sounds like.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey Nick, I suggest the two of you sit down and hash this out. Get to the bottom of why she is stashing all the money she is into the account. Ask her if she is planning on leaving you. If she says no, ask her why she is putting all the money she is into it. Tell her what it looks like to you.

Another thing, hire a PI to follower her around for a couple of weeks. You will know everything you need then.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I understand that.
> Her issue is being secure when she gets older, when her husband holds all the financial cards.
> She's looking for assurance that she won't end up like her mom.
> In my opinion, it would be best to give her that assurance by allowing her that bank account.
> If the marriage went south, it would be counted asset so it's awash in that respect.


To be fair, in the US she needs no approval from anyone to open a bank account in her name. Just ID and a tax number. She could open an account without his knowledge and fund it by drawing from the joint account. If hubby objects surely daddy will fund the account for his little girl. But he won’t be happy about it.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

nick46davis said:


> i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
> basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.
> 
> we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
> ...


You need to see A GOTTMAN CERTIFIED THERAPIST and both get couseling,She is feelling powerless and not gertring her emotional life needs met by you, home, family, and self. She needs to feel autonomous and secure. The way you handle money is a sore spot and a way to keep score. This is her way to get your attention. If she wanted to leave you would be on your butt with a restraining order to get you out then serve you papers. The way you handle it will be a testament to come through as a loving partner marriage or you get taken to the cleaners via family court.

Beshert- look it up.Soulmate, but this is the pivital point of real love. a marriage in a rebirth of the marriage. Its a love that lasts but requires change on both your parts. Understanding is key, And as a man, you need to let you wifer become a new woman like a butterfly via chrysralia phase.and really be interested in her. REALLY BE INTERESTED LIKE YOU FIRST DATED. wHEN THIS IS BUILT YOU will both be blessed with growth and intimacy and new resoect and love. Just don;t make any rash decisions. Like 6 months. don;tmake any. Both read books by Gottman PHD, and dr, laura's book Proper care and feeding of marriage. good luck


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## Elise2022 (Jan 2, 2022)

nick46davis said:


> i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
> basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.
> 
> we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
> ...


Money is a kind of security for most of people. From your story I don't think there's anything wrong with your wife. maybe she heard some cases from some stories from her family or friends, preparing some money as a fund when something emergency happen as no body know what will happen in the future. 

You can also put some reserve money for yourself if you want. Don't take it too serious if you feel the relationship between you and wife is no problem.


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## larrybogie68 (9 mo ago)

nick46davis said:


> we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.
> 
> as for the joint account.... i did ask her, of course. her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers.... i dont think she gets it that we dont have any prenup and if we do separate, then she gets half anyway.
> 
> ...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

GG1061 said:


> She could be thinking this is a form of divorce insurance. Wonder if there actually is such a thing.


Divorce Insurance? Isn’t that what the lopsided “family “ courts are for? 

I’m with @Evinrude58 on his wife putting away money in a secret account just for her is very shady. Everyone here knows that if these two divorce, she’s going to walk away with a ton of cash and prizes.


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## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

Elise2022 said:


> You can also put some reserve money for yourself if you want. Don't take it too serious if you feel the relationship between you and wife is no problem.


I agree. She also needs a money of her own, you know for emergencies and for her other necessities. Just do the same if you think it isn't fair with you.


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