# How to get my H (the stepfather) to follow our parenting agreement...



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

LONG ONE 

My husband and I are newlyweds. I have been very understanding with the fact that he is not accustomed to having children around regularly, and my son, who has ADHD, can also be a HUGE handful. However, once we got married and moved in together, my husbands relationship/communication with my son has become a major issue (it was not problematic before this happened, in fact he was very sweet to him and patient with him).

After our first couple of arguments over this subject, I thought we could come up with a parental agreement so we are both on the same page. Things my son should be disciplined for, not disciplined for, and those things we think parents should NEVER do (such as spanking or washing their kids mouths out with soap). I came up with the lists, went over them with him, we made some compromises because he did not agree with a couple of them, then everything was shipshape. I felt a lot better about us co-parenting.

Lo and behold, since we have made this agreement... he has not followed it. And I'm not talking about breaking one of the items every once in a while, I'm talking consistently throughout each day. 

The ways that he has not followed our parenting agreement are as follows- the main tenant that attitudes of love and acceptance towards my/our son far outweigh the incidents of criticism (this is especially important for a child with ADHD btw because they have even more fragile self esteems than their peers)- my H is always picking at him. He makes up rules that we don't actually have, for example... The other day my son wanted juice so he went to the fridge, H says "close the refrigerator door". My son says, politely "can I have some juice please?" My H says, "close the refrigerator door first, then ask!". My son, holding the juice bottle, closes the refrigerator door, then says "please can I have some juice?" My H walks into the kitchen, says to him sternly, "put the juice back, THEN ask nicely". I'm like wtf is up with all of these random rules, I swear every day it is SOMETHING.

My son does not currently have a light source in his room, there is an electrical problem randomly with the ceiling fan light. We are getting him a lamp on friday with our paycheck. But the last week, when my son is in time out and he's talking back WHILE in time out (it's one of the rules of our parental agreement that we let that go, after all he is already being punished so if he talks back in time out so what? He's in punishment anyway), my H is shutting the door, which terrifies my son because he is scared of the dark. And he has been putting him in time out for basically no reason. Definitely nothing that's on our rules. "He made a mean face at me", "he didn't put his toys away the first time I asked him", whatever. I honestly feel like he and my son are in some kind of battle for control of the household, and my H is LOSING, because he is acting exactly like my six year old. No scratch that, worse. He is picking fights with him sometimes, and gets annoyed at almost everything he does.

This morning (background- I just got a nightshift job and my H is now waking up with my son while I sleep until about 1pm, when I wake up to take him to work), about 9:50 on my alarm clock- my son comes in my room and gives me a kiss. I'm like "aww!". But then he keeps coming back in over the next hour or so... I thought maybe my H was having a cigarette but it was too many times. I went into the living room and he was asleep on the couch, a big no no on our parental agreement. When I brought it up to him that "you really shouldn't be asleep when he is awake, we agreed on that", he quipped back that "it's not like I fell asleep on purpose!". He never takes responsibility for anything when he breaks a rule and I am starting to feel like it is pointless to even point it out to him when he does. 

Someone suggested to me on another post that I suspend his parental privileges until he gets in line, but if he can't parent my/our son then he can't learn how to do it right either. I feel really stuck here and starting to get fed up, even contemplating divorce.

Has anybody else been through a rough step-father or mother transition where they are just not getting along with your children the way you want them too early in the marriage? Did it get better for you? If so how did you exact these improvements?

Right now I have forced therapy basically, we are starting next week, but that and leaving the house to cool off are all I have in my arsenal for standing up to him, until it gets to the point where I need to leave.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

The way he is parenting your child is way out of line. He should actually try not to discipline much at all. Because he is not your sons partner. That doesn't mean he should allow him to run riot, but he should discuss all punishments with you, and at the very least you decide on a punishment together.

Your son is just going to hate him, because he is being awful to him, and resent your husband big time.

I agree that your h is behaving like a child.

Can you go to family counseling?


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Syrum said:


> The way he is parenting your child is way out of line. He should actually try not to discipline much at all. Because he is not your sons partner. That doesn't mean he should allow him to run riot, but he should discuss all punishments with you, and at the very least you decide on a punishment together.
> 
> Your son is just going to hate him, because he is being awful to him, and resent your husband big time.
> 
> ...


I'm a mom of blended family. Older kids 19, 16 and the 3 and 8 month old are ours.
H has a bossy attitude. He's a manager by trade and is bossy period. He does not discipline older 2 - period. Doesn't mean he doesn't have a say, but we discuss it together and I get final say. We also don't try and push out their natural father. Yes he was an abusive jerk, but he is their dad and we don't try and push him out. We've been together 5 years and just now harmony is coming to the home. 
He's your son and your exes son. No way in heck would someone come in and run the show after a year. Personally I think you got yourself another abuser. It will mess your son right up. You'll overindulge to make up his cruelty and your son will be confused with all make-shift rules.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

