# Should I demand Respect???



## firstkid7 (Dec 11, 2010)

Do you think it is disrespectful that my wife took off for the weekend and she will not even tell me were she is at or who she is with. All she says is I am ok...... I feel like she is trying to torture me. This is the second time she has done this in the last month. I think everything is going better, we have a good week and then she just takes off. I do not mind her getting a break but why can she not just tell me where she is going or what she is doing? I feel like a door mat.... Some people as well as counselors are telling me I should not let her treat me like a door mat and stop begging her to stay.... I have cried, pleaded, begged, apologized almost everyday ten times a day but that is just not working.... I feel like she is a cat toying with all my balled up emotions.....Any advice???


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

firstkid7 said:


> I have cried, pleaded, begged, apologized almost everyday ten times a day but that is just not working.... I feel like she is a cat toying with all my balled up emotions.....Any advice???


Absolutely the wrong moves. You can't demand respect when you are acting like this. If she refuses to tell you where she is going for the weekend, I would go down to the bank on Monday and open a new bank account and have my pay checks sent there. I would also cut her off of my credit cards. This is especially effective if she is a SAHM. Then when she asks where the money is, tell her that just like her weekend getaways.......its a secret. You can order her groceries on line.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

firstkid7 said:


> Do you think it is disrespectful that my wife took off for the weekend and she will not even tell me were she is at or who she is with. All she says is I am ok...... I feel like she is trying to torture me. This is the second time she has done this in the last month. I think everything is going better, we have a good week and then she just takes off. I do not mind her getting a break but why can she not just tell me where she is going or what she is doing? I feel like a door mat.... Some people as well as counselors are telling me I should not let her treat me like a door mat and stop begging her to stay.... I have cried, pleaded, begged, apologized almost everyday ten times a day but that is just not working.... I feel like she is a cat toying with all my balled up emotions.....Any advice???


This is not just bravado but I can seriously say that I would have moved all her stuff out of the house by now and would be talking to a divorce lawyer. I am fairly certain that my wife would do the same. 

Tolerating this behaviour is doing a disservice to you and to your wife, because in the long run she will suffer too. You need to draw some boundaries, if it is not too late.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Dude, I think that this marriage is over, unless you continue to be pu$$y-whipped. She already knows you and doesn't respect you, so if you now start to act all macho, she will know it's an act and simply ignore it, especially if she has her own source of income. Your choice is to continue to be whipped or dump her and get someone else, and start your new marriage off right.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm just going to assume she's with another guy all weekend.

This is just pretty extreme behavior.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> Do you think it is disrespectful that my wife took off for the weekend and she will not even tell me were she is at or who she is with. All she says is I am ok...... I feel like she is trying to torture me. This is the second time she has done this in the last month. I think everything is going better, we have a good week and then she just takes off. I do not mind her getting a break but why can she not just tell me where she is going or what she is doing? I feel like a door mat.... Some people as well as counselors are telling me I should not let her treat me like a door mat and stop begging her to stay.... I have cried, pleaded, begged, apologized almost everyday ten times a day but that is just not working.... I feel like she is a cat toying with all my balled up emotions.....Any advice???


My first thought is that I find it mildly humorous that all men have replied and they all say basically "kick her to the curb." Here's the thing. You can't DEMAND respect because you can not control another human being--not even your wife. If she is going to treat you disrespectfully, you can not "make" her treat with you respect. She is a fully grown, adult woman and she is completely free to make the choice to either honor her promise to you to forsake all others and give you 100% of her affection and loyalty...OR to break her promise to you, pursue other men, and give them at least some of her affection and loyalty and see if you'll accept crumbs. 

My suggestion to you is not to DEMAND respect--you can't make her respect you! I would instead suggest that you change you--and the part you change is your willingness to accept a life partner who is not honoring her promises and is not treating you lovingly! Instead of putting the walls, rules, and barriers around HER...put them around YOU and let her know in no uncertain terms that you will no longer accept crumbs from her. Let her know that expect a life partner who will voluntarily treat you with respect, love, affection and loyalty. Period. She's FREE to make whatever choice she wants, but YOU will not have a partner in your life who gives you less. 

So she's free to choose and she's also free to experience the consequences of her choice. She's a grown woman! If she chooses to give her affection and loyalty to another and continue to treat you with anything short of respectful love--then she reaps the natural consequence of not having the benefits of YOU. On the other hand, if she chooses (of her own volition) to treat you with dignity and affection--100% for you and you alone--why then she is equally free to reap the natural consequence of the benefits of YOU. 

Does that make sense? Begging and pleading, etc. pretty much means "I will accept any crumb you throw at me and you can walk all over me--I'll take it just to keep you in my life." But putting the barrier around YOU--saying "If you want to be with ME I will get 100% of you or nothing. I don't share and I don't take crumbs" says that you would be sad to lose her and it would hurt if she made that choice, but you will not accept being treated like her fall-back plan or second choice. She made a vow TO YOU and certain things are due to you because of the vow she voluntarily made. Now just let her know you expect her to HONOR THAT PROMISE. Period. 

If she chooses to not honor that promise and treat you with respect, then she can choose to find another place to be until she is *willing* to treat you like that.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I completely agree with Affaircare. You cannot make your wife respect you. You have to simply decide you are worthy of respect and if she does not give it to you, then you move on to someone who does. Simple as that. 

Begging, pleading, and crying...not only are they ineffective, but speaking as a woman, huge turn offs. I want a man who will cry over a death or a life altering injury or something of that nature, but not one who's crying over everything. And especially if she is with another man, she's going to look at you crying and him not, and that's only going to send her toward him even faster.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

So has she returned yet? Do you have your plan of action ready?


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## firstkid7 (Dec 11, 2010)

Wife left me for the weekend. She has been doing this for the last few weekends as well as staying late at work. We have been doing allot better.

Had a great week but then on Friday she went to see the lawyer about getting a divorce. I have been doing the Love Dare on her for a while now and she is mad because I am so nice.... Does not make since.

This weekend she will send me a text saying she is o.k but will not tell me where or who she is with. She has turned off her cell phone as well and will not answer her phone. She was supposed to be back tonight but said that she is not coming back until in the morning and thanked me for being so nice to her.

She sent the email from work and said that she was up there getting some work done. Just so happened I was at a friends house not 5 minutes away and I swung by there and she nor her car where there. Went to the theater and she nor her car where there.

I am pretty certain she is cheating on me. What you guys think.... 


I think I am going to empty the bank account tomorrow and open my own account and tell her my boundaries and terms and if not she needs to go and file and let me and my son move on....Just sucks because I loved her so much!!!!!

Rejection Sucks!

Any other advice


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

I think you are right - calm down and breathe. Begin immediately - it's clear from the evidence that she is out gallivanting doing who knows what. 

Pack her stuff and have it at the door. 

Just remember - be strong for you and your son.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I agree with affaircare, but I didn't say demand respect, I said to demand an accounting of her actions. She already disrespects you and treats you like crap, why put up with this? You need to fix whatever is in you that has allowed both of your wives to cheat. But I would still dump her, it's the only way you can redeem your self-respect.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

firstkid7 said:


> I think I am going to empty the bank account tomorrow and open my own account and tell her my boundaries and terms and if not she needs to go and file and let me and my son move on....Just sucks because I loved her so much!!!!!



Respect is earned, both self-respect and respect from others. Yes, we have to earn our own self-respect.

How do you earn your own self-respect in situations like these? You’re spot on, we do it with personal boundaries, essentially we become INTOLERANT of specific, abusive behaviour. Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html.

And then watch the respect grow from other people as you assert your boundaries.

Bob


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## bwood (Dec 10, 2010)

Sure it is disrespectful, but I think it's gone beyond that. You've shown her your hand, so to speak, and by pleading with her to stay, you're showing her an unattractive side of you. In another post you mentioned she told you that she was grateful you were being so nice to her. 

Quit being the door mat. Remember, that if you're nothing without her, you'll never be enough with her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I agree. It's beyond disrespectful. She either doesn't care if you toss her stuff in the street or she doesn't believe you will. I would simply write her off.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good job, protect your self and your finances. I would let her know the next time she leaves there will be consequences to her disrespect and that out of fairness, she can move out on her own or you will move her stuff out for her.

Call a storage place, maybe one that drops off those containers. Have it place a day before she leaves. Or take her things to her familys and let them know what she is doing, and you are no longer goiny tolorate her behavior. 

Enless you man up take some action (no threats) she will not change. Think about it, if she has the balls to do what she is currantly doing, I doubt just by warning her that you will move her out, that she will really give a dam. So prepare your self and except the fact that it is time for action.


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