# No Contact help



## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

Last night I told my ex-wife that we need to go no contact with each other. We have so much history and I love her with all my heart but she does not feel the same. She cheated on me towards the end of our 8 year relationship and is now moving on with this other person. I'm still very civil and nice to her even though I should be pissed off. Yesterday, she told me that she still thinks of me all the time because I was such a big part of her life and that she regrets so much how she handled the relationship and that I deserved better. I liked that it sounded like she was actually doing some self reflecting on her actions. But I think this is her way of ending the relationship properly with me... although she couldnt have done it in person which is what I would have wanted...

I told her the best thing for me right now is to go no contact with her because I need to find myself again and figure out who i am in a world without her. I also told her she should continue to self reflect and work on herself instead of jumping into a new relationship but that is now not my concern anymore.

Anyways, i told her we need to go at least 3 weeks without talking. I know I may need longer but this is a start. So I can eventually think with my head straight and maybe her too, but i doubt she will...

This is going to be so difficult. I even removed facebook and Instagram from my main page on my phone to resist thinking about what she is doing. I cant delete it completely because I still need to contact other people through there. But I will not be looking on social media at all for the next 3 weeks. That is the plan.

Any advice on what I can do to get though this? Even to this day, I don't want it to end but I know it's the best route for me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's how you go no contact: you stop talking to her.

You don't say "we need to go no contact" because there is no we. You say "I'm not speaking to you any more" and then you block her on your phone, unfriend her on facebook, block her email, and tell everyone you mutually know not to pass on any details or messages from or to her.

You don't remove instagram, etc - you unfriend her or whatever.

And then you just go live your life. Fill it with other stuff, good friends, fun things, and things that help you grow.

That's it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I think some of this would help even with an EX-wife. Do not dwell on her, who you thought she was. Work on you and changes necessary going forward.

Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Hurt Spouses
*THE 180*
What is the 180?

The 180 is for YOU. It’s not to win back your cheater, but to make you strong--getting on with your life without regard to what the cheater is doing. Don’t try to speak truth to stupid, do this instead. Take care of yourself.

This is a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You need to go full NC for good. Don't let this ghost you and live in your head for free. Eventually you will find another. This other will be questioning why you are talking to your xw. This is why they are x's. Cut it off cold turkey forever. No excuses with moving instagram cause you need it to talk with others. I need FB to take with others. I'm sure you do but delete your xw from both.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So I am very black and white and I know what’s best for myself. With my ex husband, I knew I couldn’t be friends with him, and watch him re marry and have kids and the life that we were suppose to have. I told him the day we got divorced that I never want to see him again or talk to him again. And I meant that, because I will always love him and I will always feel like I wasn’t good enough for him, and it would be torture for me. 
He was upset and didn’t agree to this. But I made the decision for the benefit of me. He kept calling me, I blocked him phone. He called on another phone, I blocked that. I removed him and his family from all social media. Then for months he would email me. I never responded. It’s been 1.5 years and just yesterday he called me brother to ask about me. My whole family agrees to ignore him. 


At the end of the day you have to do what’s best for you. Not what’s nice for everyone. From the day I divorced I promised myself I wouldn’t look back.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Just block her on everything.
The only thing that you need to discuss is the divorce and the $$ she owes you.
Both can be accomplished through your lawyer.
Actions speak louder than words.
Her actions tell you what she thinks of you.
She needs to be in your rear view mirror.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover Its a free pdf and short.

No contact is up to you not her. They all play the “Lets be friends”game but that all for her not you. Definition of friend is loyal, trustworthy and honest.

block her on everything. Why would you want to keep yourself in this mess? You are the only one that can do that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

AK341 said:


> she told me that she still thinks of me all the time because I was such a big part of her life and that she regrets so much how she handled the relationship and that I deserved better.


This is 100%, adulterer horse$hit. Except, you can well believe that you did deserve better, but her saying it is meaningless and most likely a lie.

If these words had any truth whatsoever in them, she would not be "moving on" with the OP.
If she were actually, and truly repentant, she would recognize that she is moving on with a POS.


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