# Wife is off the rails



## longforpeace (Dec 5, 2011)

Hello Everyone,

I am posting the following with the hope for some feedback and advice which is much appreciated.

My wife and I have a beautfiul 20 monthe year old baby girl. In my mind we have a great life and everything going good.

My wife since the baby has been engaged in constant berating of me as a father and husband due to her perceived notion that i am "never around" "useless", "dont help her out" etc etc etc. Mix this in with a lack of common sense and a mean streak and im on shaky ground here on what to do. I dont want to leave her and break apart the family i love so much but im unsure at this point.

It all started slowly but has been a repetitive cylcle of viscious arguments, all of them are started by her : FACT.

I engage and get angry, yell etc when reacting to her rude, mean berating comments especially when she is holding our girl and saying deplorable things about me to our daughter. Things like "dont worry you wont ever have to see your daddy for long" and "ill find a better daddy for you" etc. i cannot even type the others without breaking down. I feel like ive been shot in the heart.

She works for her father at the family business and after one year mat leave has gone back to work 3 days per week and her mom wathces our daughter those days. I am a sales rep and have a home office. because of this when she is home tues and thurs i have the ability to take my daughter out for a few hours, watch her while my wife takes a shower etc. We are also able to do things together during the week whcih is great BUT BUT BUT she keeps going into mood swings where all of a sudden she forgets all things i do do to help her out and all the time i do spend with my daughter (moree than most dads do in 3 years ive done in 1.5) and just starts picking me apart, saying im ALWAYS in my office (not true) etc. 

All she does is get into violent abusive moodswings and tells me she wants me to move out and wants a divorce, then the clouds go away and she is fine and things go back to being normal. I have tried to get her to go to counselling but she is too stubborn to. I went myself, i figure i can at least be my best and work on whatever else i can do to help the situation because i love my wife and daughter so much.

it almost seems like the parenting she does is ten times harder than anything i do and she is constantly complaining about what i a not doing.BUT FACT IS Im changing diapers, playing and making meals lots too on the days she is home and i am doing work at home too, but its not enough i guess.

our daughter loves her mom so much obviously cause she is a great mom , this morning im playing with her and she keeps going into the bathroom to see mama, im trying to distract her so my wife can get ready for the day but i cannot tie her to the wall - my wife leaves the bathroom door open , our dughter goes in and then my wife goes absolutely crazy on me AGAIN (this happens all the time).

I asked her why she is so enraged and she says "Ithought you could watch her for 2 min but obviously you cannot" etc etc in a super *****y mean tone of voice which is the usual when she is down.

I suggested shutting the door to the bathroom and our daughter will get the idea and not keep running to mama cause mama is just busy for 10 min FINE NO PROBLEM right? WRONG my wife would rather complain about a problem instead of using common sense and using a solution.

she went off again screaming telling me im no good etc. keep in mind im actually technically working but of course i have time to help. I never ask for any praise but i dont ask to be kicked in the teeth. no good deed goes unpunished i guess.

My counsellor has told me im only guilty of yelling back, but i only do so once i get pushed and from so much frustration. She is so hard to reason with and seems incapable of common sense and decency towards me a this point.

I think she has ppd or something , i dont want to lose my family over this but at this point im not sure what to do.

We have had a wonderful marriage until our Daughter was born and now we are in a constant cycle of my wife going off into dark swings and me trying my best to keep things level using common sense, decency, communication and reason - but my partner is suddenly unwilling or unable and i want to solve the problem, not put bandaids on it.

Can i help her or should i just leave?


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I think she needs to see a doc. Women with pnd often are terrified to admit as the feel it devalues them as 'good' mothers and there perception of reality is often unreliable (great fear that the child will be aken away etc)

I hate to say it but do you really do your fair share with the baby? Try and think about it seriously. I'm not suggesting hat you don't. I've no way of knowing but it sounds like shes struggling adapting to motherhood, sometimes guys think thay do a lot but when a mother is struggling she ay need you to do more... just an idea


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## longforpeace (Dec 5, 2011)

i dont think i do a lot to help I know i do.

My wife has issue taking a break, using me as a resoure when i am at home working, i am aleways offering more more more helpo but she is usually no im fine no im fine.

this is classic case of a mom that never lets go and then turns and snaps on whoever is in the way, me.

how does that saying go, you can open a door for someone but you cannot make them walk thru it.

She is so stubborn she will prob never go to a doc for help, here is an example of her stubborness.

Our daughter was sick a few weeks back and her breathing was real bad and my wife would not listen to me that we need to take her to child emerg and proceeded to start a big ****ing fight and take shots at my family cause "all we do is run to the hospital" no actually all we do is ",make good decsions based on evidence in front of us" anyway, we fought and waited till 3am and ourdaughter got very sick and we were in hospital for 3 days. Dr. says we should have been in right away as our daughter has suspected Asthma but my wife just constatnly wants to fight me all the time, never concerned with what is right she is more concerened with beign right, its absolutely embarrassing.

your comment about her feeling devalued by going for help is a good one and now i see it in past events like above, she wants to mother away all issues instead of seekin medical attention that ANYONE in their right mind would have done.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LFP, welcome to the TAM forum. The dysfunctional behavior you describe is called "black-white thinking." It occurs whenever a person categorizes someone as being "all good" or "all bad." Because there is no gray area in between, that person will recategorize you from one polar extreme (loving you) to the other (devaluing you) based on some minor comment or innocent action -- and they will do it in 10 seconds. 

The result is that you will frequently hear all-or-nothing allegations such as "you _always_ do this" and "you _never_ do that." This irrational behavior means that the person is doing "splitting," i.e., splitting off her good feelings toward you and putting them out of reach of her conscious mind. This is why you will receive no appreciation whatsoever for your many sacrifices when she is in that state.

Significantly, all of us are prone to do that B-W thinking whenever we are under great stress or anger. The intense feelings distort our perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivation. Indeed, we all have experienced this distortion occurring so many thousands of times during our lives that, by high school, we usually know we cannot trust our own judgment whenever we are angry, tired, or sick. That's why we try to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have time to cool down.

I mention all this so as to stress how _normal_ it is for an adult to occasionally exhibit such irrational and spiteful behavior. It also is normal for it to occur when hormones are unbalanced, as happens with PPD -- as other posters have observed. Where this behavior becomes a very serious problem -- and is very difficult to treat -- is when it is persistent and has been occurring regularly over many years. 

I therefore ask whether you are sure this behavior started when your baby was born? Were there any red flags of B-W thinking and verbal abuse occurring earlier in your relationship, starting at the end of the infatuation period? Did your W always have a "I am a victim" mentality? Did she perceive of you as her savior during the courtship period? If the answers to these questions are "no," please ignore my post because you likely are dealing with a body chemistry issue (e.g., PPD) that doctors generally can treat very successfully if the patient will give them time to find the right medication and right dosage level.


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## longforpeace (Dec 5, 2011)

thank you for a very insightful response, no there were no major issues before hand between us BUT

a few other things though i think are contributing to her downfall it seems:

she works at a job she took cause it was given to her,

has minimal high school ediucation,

zero interests or passions, hobbies ( i have tried to include her in mine and explore new ones, but she prefers tv, some crafting and being a mom. needless to say she does not have a well balanced life even though she could have lots of time for herself, she doesn't understand that taking care of our baby also includes taking time for oneself etc, this is why i am no longer able to to any extracurricular activities without her going off - she has none! her communication with friends goes like this: one day they talk and make plans, then the day of im like "so your going out tonite" and she is like " uh no i did not follow up with my friend nor did my friend follow up with me" wtf is wrong with people? then she turns on me and says she never has any opportunity to take a break - see prev post about doors, there are tons for her to walk thru but she wont.

we used to get along so well and do things together but now she has just turned on me it feels, is trying to make me into a bad person i am not.

whenever i try and organize a night out for us she goes bezerk and says im selfish and dont love my daughter etc etc. Her mom who is amazing and loves to babysit our daughter has no issue but i just get yelled at "how dare you ask my mom to watch her while we go out etc" well i reply because "its good for us to spend time as a couple here and there, its healthy and subsequently good for our daughter" she fights against this wiht no logic or reason, then berates me, tells me to leave the house etc. the house by the way is rented from her parents but she likes to remind me all the time that its "her house" not mine, nice. who does that?

honestly i cannot believe its even her, things really are pointing towards a chem imbalance or something its over the top insanity.

she will have to go see a doc or i have to leave i cannot deal or accept the verbal and mental abuse anymore. 

she is so stubborn she wont and we will divorce because of this, this is the only conclusion i can see at this time, and it actually feels like a relief, it cant be saved, i cannot be abused, i cannot be made to feel like a substandard husband and father, no matter what i do is not good enough for her, she can die miserable alone, im not going down with her.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

How long have you been married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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