# Pursuing Divorce - Advice from those who've been there:



## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

For reference for interested parties, a link to my other thread describing my scenario: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/399202-husband-never-came-home-last-night.html

I am currently "180ing", and pursuing separation and divorce. I'm drowning in questions, emotions, realizations, etc. Fear. Sadness. Loneliness. On a roller coaster. One minute elated to be finally accepting this and moving on. The next crying in a ball on the bathroom floor at the thought of losing him (how long does this go on for?). All that crap. 

SO - I'm hoping for help from those of you who've been through this: ADVICE, INPUT, REMINDERS, anything you wish you'd known, wish you could change, etc. about how your separation/divorce went. Things I should think about? My emotions are a wreck. Custody? child support? how does this all work? 

I don't know anyone who is divorced. Weird, right? I know. So I'd value input from someone who's walked this road. 

For the record, I'm in Canada, I work full time, H and I jointly and equally own a business that we are in the midst of selling. For the last 8 years we've been earning the EXACT SAME SALARY. We also own a few properties. We have two kids, ages 9 and 7. Married 10 years, together 13. 

And yes, I have a lawyer. She's great, and charges by the hour. Advice from those who've walked this road will be helpful for me to prepare for what to talk to her about, and is much appreciated.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

From a logistics POV in my country (Aus) the settlement is usually 50/50 and co parenting is 50/50. If you earn the same then there is no child support if co parenting is 50/50/ What does your lawyer say about how it works in Canada?

As for the emotional rollercoaster, give it at least 12 months and don't put too much pressure on yourself, divorce is one of lifes biggest challenges. Mine was very amicable, no cheating and even still it was 12 months of emotional hell.

All the best to you.


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> From a logistics POV in my country (Aus) the settlement is usually 50/50 and co parenting is 50/50. If you earn the same then there is no child support if co parenting is 50/50/ What does your lawyer say about how it works in Canada?
> 
> As for the emotional rollercoaster, give it at least 12 months and don't put too much pressure on yourself, divorce is one of lifes biggest challenges. Mine was very amicable, no cheating and even still it was 12 months of emotional hell.
> 
> All the best to you.


I am more than fine with no child support if custody is 50/50. I know he says he wants 50/50....but I'm concerned about his capability to do so. If he was able, I'd be more than happy with this arrangement. But he has serious issues with basic parenting things - I get the kids up and off to school daily alone, while he sleeps in because he stays up so late at night. One time I was away on a work trip over 2 school days, and he just didn't get up, so once he finally did, got them all ready and out the door, they didn't arrive at school until after lunch time. Both days. 

After school I have the kids bring their daily homework lists, reading books, etc. to me, and we do homework. The couple of times in our entire lives I've been gone, he just never does any of this with them. They never open their daily lists, required readings, or spelling work. They don't even unpack lunch bags. I get home to a pile of rotting lunches in lunch bags. More than once he hasn't packed a lunch at all while I've been gone, and several times he's packed nut products - when our kids' school has always required NO NUTS. For 6 years now. He doesn't require them to do any chores, tidy their rooms, or bathe while I'm gone.

My fingers are crossed that this will all change when he's on his own and it's a requirement for his life. And, our kids are getting bigger. My daughter is getting up on her own now, so I'm sure she can help with her brother, and they are starting to be more independent with lunches and other things. 

Honestly, I'm concerned that he thinks he can do 50/50, but over time he'll take them less and less, and it will be more like 70/30, but I won't be getting support. Do you recommend I try to fight the 50/50 claim, to avoid this? Can the custody arrangement be revisited down the road if it is changing in this way? Or does it just stay firm?


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> For reference for interested parties, a link to my other thread describing my scenario: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/399202-husband-never-came-home-last-night.html
> 
> I am currently "180ing", and pursuing separation and divorce. I'm drowning in questions, emotions, realizations, etc. Fear. Sadness. Loneliness. On a roller coaster. One minute elated to be finally accepting this and moving on. The next crying in a ball on the bathroom floor at the thought of losing him (how long does this go on for?). All that crap.
> 
> ...


Emotionally it is tough, lots of ups and downs and lots of uncertainty and mixed feelings, Divorce was at the time the worst experience of my life but...........coming out on the other side it has turned into a blessing and allowed me to rediscover myself again and I feel happy again.

Once you finally sign there is a big relief. the Child custody does take some getting used to and it is tough at times but I found my feet again. As a dad who was always at work before the kids woke and came home after they returned home from school i found it hard to get used to the before and after school schedules as I didnt know what i was doing or what i was supposed to be doing and since me and my X parted on less than amicable terms she did not fill me in either so she constantly waits for me to fail or miss something and then criticizes and documents and threatens me with court.

50/50 is the best plan and he will step up and if he fails to them give it some time and eventually you may have to go back court and change the agreement but give him a chance and expect a good 6 months for him to get in a routine and figure it all out. if you wanted to speed this up maybe write a nicely worded email and try to not sound condescending or critical or bossy and let him know how you handle the school mornings and homework and school events so he has an idea and then wait for him to figure it out.

I would love to have an amicable relationship with my X for the sake of the children but the way she speaks to me does not allow it.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

Well, sure he's for 50-50. It means he doesn't pay. I can tell you that it's very unlikely that, if 50-50 custody is the norm, that you can argue a court into anything else that your husband doesn't concur on. You'd be trying to speculate that he might not be the greatest parent, and the court hears that stuff all the time, and no realistically requires all parents to be great. It's kind of a crap shoot, because it's hard everywhere to modify a decree against one party's wishes later on. Unless, of course, he agrees to pay and take less custody. But ask your lawyer. I'll bet she steers you away from notions of assuming you can make fundamental changes later. 

You know, it's probable that he won't be a lot better when he's the 50-50 daddy. If he's a sloppy parent, it will make you're life harder, and it won't be optimum for the kids, but it won't kill them or ruin them for life. You may just have to suck it up. 

You might talk seriously with your husband about the kids. Would you accept no support if you had the kids more? Would he be happier with more weekend days than school days? More holiday time? And there's nothing to stop you two from sorting this out any way you agree on, even if it's not in the decree. People do that all the time. Who cares, if both agree?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> I am more than fine with no child support if custody is 50/50. I know he says he wants 50/50....but I'm concerned about his capability to do so. If he was able, I'd be more than happy with this arrangement. But he has serious issues with basic parenting things - I get the kids up and off to school daily alone, while he sleeps in because he stays up so late at night. One time I was away on a work trip over 2 school days, and he just didn't get up, so once he finally did, got them all ready and out the door, they didn't arrive at school until after lunch time. Both days.
> 
> After school I have the kids bring their daily homework lists, reading books, etc. to me, and we do homework. The couple of times in our entire lives I've been gone, he just never does any of this with them. They never open their daily lists, required readings, or spelling work. They don't even unpack lunch bags. I get home to a pile of rotting lunches in lunch bags. More than once he hasn't packed a lunch at all while I've been gone, and several times he's packed nut products - when our kids' school has always required NO NUTS. For 6 years now. He doesn't require them to do any chores, tidy their rooms, or bathe while I'm gone.
> 
> ...


Based on what I have read previously on your other thread, I don't think 50/50 custody is in the best interest of your kids in this particular situation. He is completely irresponsible. Werent there two days you went out of town and he didn't get them to school until after lunch?? It should not be up to your elder child to be responsible for the younger one, that is the PARENT'S responsibility. I think you are correct in that he would take them less and less over time, and if that were to happen, you would have to drag ass back to court to get support. 

The emotional roller coaster is completely normal. It doesn't matter if divorce is the best thing or not, it is still uprooting your life and giving up your vision of what your life was supposed to be. I just kept focus that I knew things were never going to change, and if I gave up and stayed, that I would eventually be right back where I was needing to leave again.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> I am currently "180ing", and pursuing separation and divorce. I'm drowning in questions, emotions, realizations, etc. Fear. Sadness. Loneliness. On a roller coaster. One minute elated to be finally accepting this and moving on. The next crying in a ball on the bathroom floor at the thought of losing him (how long does this go on for?). All that crap.
> 
> SO - I'm hoping for help from those of you who've been through this: ADVICE, INPUT, REMINDERS, anything you wish you'd known, wish you could change, etc. about how your separation/divorce went. Things I should think about? My emotions are a wreck. Custody? child support? how does this all work?


The emotional roller coaster does take time to settle down. Just tell yourself this is normal, take deep breaths, and when you miss him, tell yourself you miss the husband you thought you had, not the one he turned out to be. They just look the same; an evil twin, as it were.



pLaTesPinNeR said:


> For the record, I'm in Canada, I work full time, H and I jointly and equally own a business that we are in the midst of selling. For the last 8 years we've been earning the EXACT SAME SALARY. We also own a few properties. We have two kids, ages 9 and 7. Married 10 years, together 13.


You work full time in addition to the business? Or will your salaries start to vary once that's gone?



pLaTesPinNeR said:


> Honestly, I'm concerned that he thinks he can do 50/50, but over time he'll take them less and less, and it will be more like 70/30, but I won't be getting support. Do you recommend I try to fight the 50/50 claim, to avoid this? Can the custody arrangement be revisited down the road if it is changing in this way? Or does it just stay firm?


Start with 50-50. He'll either step up to the plate, or it will not work out and you'll end up taking the kids more. Then you modify your separation agreement to reflect the updated circumstances.

And over time, your salaries may begin to vary. Make sure you update annually to keep the CS current, particularly if the 50-50 changes.


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