# Lack of Sex in marriage, I really do love my wife.



## tiggz1980 (May 15, 2014)

Hi All,
Let me start at the beginning, me and my wife have always had a decent sex life not every night but at least once a week, now to is more like once every 2-3 months if I'm lucky she would go without all together if it was up to her. 

We have discussed this on numerous occasions but all i get from her that sex is more important to me than her. We lost a child a couple of years ago (stillbirth). We then had a lovely baby boy the following year who is now 2 years old, but since then our sex life is almost non existent, she has put on some weight and says she does not like me touching her due to the fact she doesn't like how she looks, but it doesn't bother me one bit I still find her sexy and attractive as much now as when we first met which was 14 years ago.

I have told her this and all I get from her is that I don't listen to her and the most important thing to me is sex, and I have told her that yes it is important for us as I feel more disconnected from her now than ever and that she does not take into consideration my feelings, as far as she is concerned I'm the one in the wrong. I love her more than anything but I cannot keep going on like this forever. 

I feel angry towards her that she will not even try. any advice in this would be appreciated.

I do work some long hours at times and have a very good well paid job which allows her to spend a lot of time at home, in which she is always out very rarely stays in. I don't know what to do.

x


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She says that sex is more important to you than she is. For right or wrong, she feels deprioritized. This coupled with the grief of having lost a child, I'm so very sorry for your loss, caring for a demanding and busy two year old and body image issues has killed her sex drive. 

You say you work long hours. What happens during the weekend? Honestly, how much direct care do you give to the baby as opposed to her. How much time and effort do you give to her.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you work your tail off all week then work your tail off all weekend waiting on your wife and child! I'm just tossing out common complaints a LOT of women have about their husbands.

How much affection do you give her on a daily basis?
How much flirting do you do on a daily basis?
When you say her weight doesn't bother you, are those similar words you use to her? If so, bad move. LOL. "Honey your shape doesn't bother me." Is NOT a compliment and is NOT reassuring or affirming. Instead you say, "honey, I LOVE your shape! You look HOT, soft, and highly touchable!" She will most likely eventually get back into close to her prebaby shape whether you compliment her to the hilt or not.

Think back to when you two fell in love, what kinds of things did you do together and how is this different from now?

Lastly, after you put some thought and effort into courting your wife once again, you need to be rather assertive about your needs. I like the word choices you've used to describe how the lack of sex makes you feel. Try having a conversation with her about the way men typically feel connected through sex whereas women feel connected then want sex. You two need to both understand that raising little ones puts a strain on this connection and the opportunity to create and maintain this connection. You both have to out your marriage on the front burner. Try to approach this as a problem solving and not a blame session.

Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and search for "emotional needs" then print out 2 of the questionnaires, one for each of you to complete. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Lead by example. Go to the gym. Lift some heavy stuff. Get all your crap in order. 

Stop asking for sex. Stop "discussing" this. State your need and don't let her give you excuses. If you need physical intimacy, don't let her give you excuses. She can either meet your need or not. 

Don't try to tell her why she's wrong or what she can do. That's weak and manipulative. If she has problems, depression or otherwise, that's a structural issue. Tell her to go to the doctor. Don't let her hamster wheel of rationalization spin. Most of all don't let her push her feelings on you. Those are hers to deal with. 

I travel all the time. I have time to go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I don't ask for sex. 

You need to have the attitude that you get sex on your terms. Get to the point where she knows she'll fulfill your need... Or someone else will.


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## tiggz1980 (May 15, 2014)

I will be honest I try and give her as much affection as I can kissing her and cuddling etc but I just get told I'm pawing all over her. I do tell her she's sexy but the barrier is always up. 

The constant rejection over the last two years has started to make me more distant towards her more recently, as for my little one I try and spend as much time with him as possible he is literally the apple of my eye and makes up for the constant disappointment and rejection. I have tried to explain to her but she never really looks at things from my side of the fence, we did have a hard time after losing the little one and I stayed strong for her and bottled it all up, to be honest I'm just tired of trying now.

Talking doesn't accomplish a thing, I have told her to get her gym membership back and start going again I will look after the little one I don't mind one bit. I think I will actually start going to the gym myself, running etc get into better shape to make myself feel better. Im at a pretty low ebb at the moment.

x


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What does that mean exactly when you say you "try" to look after the little one?

Do you get him up, changed, fed, cleaned, sorted, directed, engaged? Or do you just hand him a few things and keep him from destroying something?

Next Saturday, get your child up, fed and dressed and take him out for the morning. Let your wife sleep in and enjoy a morning of solitude.

My husband used to think he was a hand on dad because he sometimes played with the kids. He never bathed them, dressed them, fed them, put them to bed. He never took them out without me, he never engaged them, started an activity and walked with them through it. 

To this day, youngest is 14, he makes lunch for himself and never asks anyone else if they're hungry. 5 minutes later I'm making a lunch for youngest and I.

So when I see a man who says, I try to take care of the child on days off, I think... Yeah right!


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w

show this video and maybe get the book her needs his needs and try to get her to read it together. I have a feeling if you don't address this issue now there will be bigger troubles down the road. A Marriage has to fill the needs of both !


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## tiggz1980 (May 15, 2014)

I think I may have communicated myself wrongly, I do get him up in a morning shower him dress him give him breakfast etc. I also let my wife have regular lie ins etc while we play with his car track set, trains etc. I also take him out on walks as well and leave my wife to it I LOVE spending time with my little guy.

hope this clarifies a few things.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't bother to have the talk. She does not hear it as trying to connect with her but as trying to "get" sex. Nothing you say will convince her otherwise. What you want to tell her is that you miss her and the mutual meeting of needs, right.

Have the talk from the stand point of meeting both your needs. What are her needs as she sees them. What does the relationship mean to her and to you. If there is a disparity then work on that. 

She feels free to share her thoughts about you "too many demands for sex" have you shared yours with her (besides sex). The problem is that you let her get you in a position where sex is something she gives you and not an expression of love and maintainance of an emotion connection between you and your wife.. 

Approach your relationship as a problem with love and connection. Become less dependant on her. Change your look, get a hobby, develope an interest, cool things down a bit. 

Give her space to come to you. If not, talk to her about rethinking your marriage. Take initiative in the home, but don't overdo. Don't kiss her azz. You are not helping with your child you are being a father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## neuklas (Jun 13, 2013)

At the risk of breaking down my own glass house, I agree with Catherine.

We talk too much. I'm guilty of it. And guilty of thinking too much about a plan to "fix."

You are where I was a few years ago. I got complacent, and did nothing for too long.

Act, don't talk.

Like I said, mine is a glass house.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Where I she going? Does she leave you with the baby? Something doesn't smell right.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's amazing that partners in sex starved marriages seem to be reading from a common script. The things they say are almost verbatim. 

Women mostly - "all you want/think about is sex or i never liked that and won't do it again or all you want me for is sex or you are a sex fiend or I've resented you for 15 yrs" 

Men mostly "I support her or work hard or help with the chores/kids or look good/younger or young women hit on me or I turned down affairs, she should follow vows" 

It must come from a common source outside of the relationship and the people in them?


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## BRT (May 6, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> It's amazing that partners in sex starved marriages seem to be reading from a common script. The things they say are almost verbatim.
> 
> Women mostly - "all you want/think about is sex or i never liked that and won't do it again or all you want me for is sex or you are a sex fiend or I've resented you for 15 yrs"
> 
> ...


Probably from all those TV shows like desperate housewives, Real Housewives, Cougars etc.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

tiggz1980 said:


> I do work some long hours at times and have a very good well paid job which allows her to spend a lot of time at home, in which she is always out very rarely stays in.


Have you considered that she is having an affair?

Have you gone to marriage counseling? That's where I think you should start, since she is not listening to you, and she thinks you are not listening to her. 

If all that fails, I recommend you tell her you are going to separate if she doesn't change, and then if nothing changes, then do it. You don't have to get divorced, but at some point she needs to realize that you aren't going to tolerate living like roommates together. 

You also might want to look at this thread. This was also a sexless marriage also on account of a wife's body issues, but it changed toward the right direction.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Women mostly - "all you want/think about is sex or i never liked that and won't do it again or all you want me for is sex


That is a common theme, along with the problem of women losing their sex drive over body image issues. Really... why did God give women such wonderful bodies but make them hate them so much??

Also, I really dislike the usual line: "*all you want is sex*". Obviously the husband (or wife, in some cases) wants a lot more than sex. They also want food, shelter, and a job. But when you have all of those things, and sex and affection is the only thing lacking, then obviously that's all you are going to complain about!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together doing date-like things, just the two of you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

tiggz1980 said:


> Hi All,
> I have told her this and all I get from her is that I don't listen to her x


Well that's interesting.

We all have needs. She has told you she wants you to listen to her. That is one of her needs.

Here's what I suggest:

1 - Get her to verbalize her needs. Specifically. Don't interrupt and don't belittle or criticize them.

2 - Meet those needs. Continually.

3 - Confirm you are meeting them. For example if listening to her is one of her needs, you can say "we had a pretty good talk last night. Would you say I really listened to what you were saying?"

4 - If you are meeting her needs, sex may come naturally. If it doesn't...

5 - Sit down and talk with her. Point out that she verbalized her needs, you have been meeting them and she confirmed you were meeting them.

6 - Explain what your needs are. One of them is an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" with her (NOT "sex"). Explain to her that this goes hand-in-hand with monogamy. You can't have one without the other. Tell her that you promised monogamy but not celibacy. Don't let her belittle you with "all you think about is sex" comments. Yes you do, especially when you're not in an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship.

7 - Explain that if your needs aren't being met, you will be less likely to be willing/able to meet hers. If that happens, the marriage is over.

8 - Tell her that if she has a problem with her own weight, it's HER problem and it needs to be addressed, either by losing weight or coming to accept her body.

9 - Offer marriage counseling as a way to help get the marriage on the right track.

10 - Divorce MUST be on the table. Otherwise you will just spin your wheels because there's no repercussions for her not meeting your needs.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

When it comes to this topic, I must admit I'm a cynic and a pessimist. I spent 20 wasted years trying to solve this issue with my ex, and I tried everything (remotely reasonable) that has been suggested here, to no avail. Even so, it is definitely worth trying to resolve.

I suggest you read everything you can on this subject on this site. Read the major articles and books many here recommend, and begin applying them ASAP. Take a couple of months to do so if necessary, and read everything posted in these forums about this problem, and try what makes sense for your situation. Keep returning to post updates and get advice.

Then, over time, see what happens. Maybe you'll find a way to turn things around. I'm skeptical, though, as there aren't many real success stories that I've seen, some report modest improvements, and lots of failures. Give yourself a timeframe in which to see real improvement (at least 2 years, I'd say), and decide what you'll do if it doesn't happen. With a plan, a goal, and an alternative, you're good to go. Good luck!


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Get her to eat more butter, eggs, and wild caught seafood. Seriously. The saturated fats provide cholesterol - a necessary precursor to sex hormones. The seafood has omega-3 which is anti-inflammatory. Should help with weight and depression/malaise.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

since you have little to lose...try a different approach. Take her to a hot lingerie shop, tell her "yes, you have put on a little weight, and it makes you a little unattractive. But this hot corset with push up bra, lacy panties, sheer thigh-high stockings will make you look very kinky and hot to me. 

You need her along to make sure the size is right (nothing worse than getting sexy lingerie for your wife _that does not fit_). Maybe she can use the lingerie as a crutch to get over the "I am fat" way of thinking.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Am I reading this right? You said she's a SAHM that's hardly home, you normally get your kiddo up, dressed and ready for the day plus you regularly take the kid so she can have time to nap or lay around. My guess? She's depressed and you are enabling her to wallow in her misery because you are a nice guy. She needs to do more around the house. Keeping busy helps to heal the soul. That and get her to a therapist.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> It's amazing that partners in sex starved marriages seem to be reading from a common script. The things they say are almost verbatim.
> 
> Women mostly - "all you want/think about is sex or i never liked that and won't do it again or all you want me for is sex or you are a sex fiend or I've resented you for 15 yrs"
> 
> ...



Yes. 

In the same way all broken Xxxx's exhibit the same behaviors and symptoms. 

That's what basic thought processes is all about...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

john117 said:


> Yes.
> 
> In the same way all broken Xxxx's exhibit the same behaviors and symptoms.
> 
> That's what basic thought processes is all about...


If there is a common source then there must be a common problem in relationships between men and woman that can be identified. If its identifiable and somewhat widespread, why is there no interest in solutions? 

I see a lot of self-help books with no scientific basis, surveys and blame but no solutions.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm oversimplifying but think of the brain in this context as a bread machine where you toss a dozen ingredients in, press a few buttons to select the right mode, and if everything was done correctly you get bread in four hours.

All bread machines have a few common elements and operations, and what really matters are the ingredients and timing. The brain is like that too at some level. We all have the basic operations built in but we differ based on what programs are selected and what inputs we use and to what extent. 

I have raised the issue of the lack of much scientific basis in a lot of the popular psychology relationship books. Clinicians have their experience to guide them but common mortals don't. The funny part is that we can predict human behavior fairly well, just not what decision recipes we used to arrive at this behavior. 

The reader (or author) of such books should take a look at my side of the world where we tend to have a better handle on things as well as a scientific basis for how things work. Alas, our work is limited to simple stuff like predicting how long it will take for a user to press a button or to perceive a street sign. These in the grand scheme of things are trivial behaviors. Extrapolate to human sized behaviors and it's pretty impossible to do much...

Maybe in 20 years we will see home works like... If Jack and Jill were having sex three times a week before marriage and found out they are expecting twins, how many times they'll have sex in the year the twins turn three?


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

A lot of really good ideas have been posted here for you to consider. I will try not to be overly repetitive with what others have already said, but I have been down this same road and I can report that it does not have to end badly. However, there is not a quick fix and there is not a one-time fix. It is an ongoing process.

First of all, you need to frame this as a relationship problem with lack of sex as a symptom, but not the only symptom. As another poster has questioned, what are the two of you doing as a couple? It is natural, especially given the prior miscarriage, that your child is your wife's first priority. We have all had to deal with this to some degree. Both of you can't let being a parent be an excuse for not being a wife or husband.

Be an active parent. If your wife is a SAHM, then she will need downtime as well. Help around the house, but don't be a doormat. If she is getting downtime, then you get some too. As another poster has mentioned, you need to look after yourself too (just as your wife need to look after herself).

Unless your wife understands that this is not just about you wanting more sex, then she is not going to be receptive to the whole relationship his needs/her needs things. If you can't get through to her, then you can easily drift apart. She will resent your focus on sex; you will resent the lack of sex.

For now, the good news is that you "really do love [your] wife". This is a huge asset to build on, however, this is a long term project. Her interest in sex may not bounce back to where it was before children, her body image will create obstacles and the possibility that there may be an element of depression cannot be discounted. On top of this either one on you can loose yourself into a single role (such as being "the mom" or "the breadwinner") instead of a whole person.

We went through this and survived, such that we will be celebrating 26 years of marriage this year. It really helped that we never stopped loving and respecting each other. It was also really important that both of us came to understand the "I need sex to feel connection" (me) and "I need to feel connection to want sex" (her) dynamic. (Yes, it's a stereotype, but is seems to be so common that perhaps this should be engraved on the inside of all wedding rings.)

Good luck.


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