# I can't stand you, but will you still have sex with me?



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Ok, so the title is just that! My friend was telling me of how her husband acts and treats her sometimes. He has never been to a doctor to be diagnosed but from talking with a counselor that she sees herself, the counselor feels he COULD have a mental disorder. Which maybe that explains this behavior. 

She tells me he is very moody, and can be ok one minute, and not the next. Anything can seem to trigger a mood change, (which is probably not a good thing) She tells me how he seems to blame her and critisize her for most things, it hurts her feelings and makes her feel worthless. She is in counseling to help her learn to not take the things so personal that he does and says. His family is the same way its always someone else's fault etc.

He can act like he likes her one minute then the next he can't stand her. Like I said, blames her for most things, acts depressed, etc, then next day, he acts like things are back to normal and all is well, and expects her to roll with things. Over time she has withdrawn from wanting to have sex with him as much, since he has hurt her very core emotionally and that emotional core is whats helps her to want to be sexual with him to begin with. She hasn't stopped having sex altogether, but doesn't understand why it is, he can act like she is the devil and that she is the cause of all his problems but he can put his hatred for her aside long enough to have sex?

I'm assuming there are people like this. I hate you, but I want to have sex with you and after I do I will go right back to hating/blaming you.:scratchhead: She tells me this is what bothers her the most. She also says that if he hates her so much why does he stay? She asked him this and he seems to have no real answer. I mean, how can you have so many issues with a person, blame them, not like them, find fault with them, and so on, but yet, you don't want to leave them and want to keep having sex with them and expect that person to be ok with it? 

Thoughts?


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

Has he said that to her... I hate you or don't like you? or is she thinking thats how he feels from the behaviour?


Im not exactly the same but definite simalarities.
Im on eggshells since he is fine one minute and then all of a sudden for no good reason we are at odds and he says things to hurt my feelings.Not sure if its intentional or not.

He is gone most of the week for work and when he gets home we have great sex and talk like we are so in love but then right after we have sex..its back to the comments and arguements.

Im kinda curious as well to what others say whether continuing to have sex is good or not since it seems like right after the sexual release the arguing begins again.

I definitley am finding the more I read here and outside of here that what he is doing feels like some form of control and emotional abuse and your friends hubby sounds kinda the same.JMHO  Mine does not want to leave either.He seems so unhappy most of the time but yet does not want to leave and still wants to have sex with me.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Women...you have to remember we don't think like you. While we need sex to form and strengthen an emotional bond, we don't need the emotional bond to have sex.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

You summed up EXACTLY what my partner/relationship has been to a TEE. 

What I've identified is that my partner will fixate on something small, and blow it WAY OUT of context then use me as his scapegoat. He's literally seemed to different than a drug addict who during the incidents is ADDICTED to the power he feels when he's having one of his holier-than-thou tantrums. 

Last summer was the worst I'd ever seen. The REAL issue was that he was notified in 2010 his aunt was getting married. This procrastinator waited until two weeks before her wedding the next year to want to go. Unfortunetly for us raising three kids and the financial responsibility means PLANNING and saving ahead of time for events like this. HE DIDN'T. So when he finally decided he wanted to go, he was ANGRY,RESENTFUL and nasty blaming me for not having that extra 3-4k in the bank. It didn't end there though  He accused me of being a drug addict(he says "explain to me why we don't have that kind of money in the bank at the moment-you must be doing crack since your best friend used to be a crackhead"!!),told his brother/parents that I was a drug addict and that he was taking the kids and leaving me. Convinced his brother to fork over the money because POOR MARK has a horrible wife. He got himself SO WORKED UP he almost hit me in the face  In his mind, he's a CHILD who wants what he wants-and his anger and resentment takes over..he gets manipulative and at certain points has that evil snide look that makes it more painful to endure...like he's ENJOYING the experience of hurting me..completely disgusting

The end tail of all of that was that he felt JUSTIFIED in his anger and resentfulness. He told the kids that I was a bad parent and that HE was sick of it and planning on leaving me with them...mental all the way. This during a time when I was dealing with PTSD from bullying and harrassment at work. 

Regardless the "mental" issues my partner has,I have done a couple of things to oust his bad behavior-and he's sitting up and noticing First thing, once he came down from his "stance" last summer, while he was in his guilt stage, I forced him to tell his family the "truth" about the fact I'm NOT a drug addict and that he used their sympathy to GET WHAT HE WANTED. 

My partner had next to no sex drive for the first ten years we were together(past abuse of alcohol and antidepressants caused induced impotency when he was 27). When it did come back on line, I was of course scared to approach him regardless of his healthy sex drive-having been rejected continuously before that and my self esteem being so low combined with his "mental"/tantrum treatment of me all along the way. For us though my partner would treat me like GOLD leading up to and during sex,and treat me like garbage(hate me,blame me) days later. HENCE WHY MASTURBATING FOR ME WAS AND STILL IS AN EASIER CHOICE EMOTIONALLY. 

I've been very patient with him over the years but that never worked. It seemed the more independant I became(I was seriously codependant when we met),the worse his tantrums. So I decided a week ago to step up and tell him *what* he needs to change otherwise I WILL LEAVE HIM. I've laid out from observing him for all these years what thought processes he needs to work out-and have suggested counselling if he can't do it himself. Reality is, just like a child getting away with bad behavior, I've allowed him to continue acting like this in our relationship. Just talking doesn't work. These men NEED to know that there's consequences for their actions-and if a wife doesn't feel emotionally secure,there's NO REASON why she should be forced to have sex if she's not comfortable. 

I've rambled here some...hope some of it helps?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Women...you have to remember we don't think like you. While we need sex to form and strengthen an emotional bond, we don't need the emotional bond to have sex.


I get that. However, I wouldn't even stay with a man who made me feel worthless with his words and actions let alone continue to give him sex, especially if he feels he deserves it after put downs. I don't think so. But thats just me. 

However, with her its different I suppose, there are kids involved and I doubt she feels she can just up and leave. If he isn't meeting her needs emotionally what makes him think he should have his met. This is a woman who kept meeting his needs regardless of whether he was meeting hers or not, so maybe some of it is her fault for doing so for so long, but now it seems shes tired of it, and she should be.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

mommyofthree said:


> Has he said that to her... I hate you or don't like you? or is she thinking thats how he feels from the behaviour?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't think he has directly said that to her, BUT the counselor was telling her his actions seems to prove how she feels. 

I think thats where she is as well after sex, things start back over like they were. I think she feels its kinda like he gets his way with the sex but he doesn't meet her half way by getting some kind of help or at least trying to work on things etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I mean, how can you have so many issues with a person, blame them, not like them, find fault with them, and so on, but yet, you don't want to leave them and want to keep having sex with them and expect that person to be ok with it?
> 
> Thoughts?


Because it's all about him. His feelings are the only ones that matter. So as long as he's getting what he wants (sex, etc), everything else is moot. Then when he flips back and hates her, he withdraws. It's a roller coaster ride for the person on the receiving end. People like this are emotional vampires.

Hot and cold and hot and cold. It gets really old. People like this can go from loving you one minute to spewing verbal attacks in the next. It's emotionally abusive.

My ex is this way. He'd get mad if I didn't sleep with him on command. Not talk to me for days w/o provocation & then all of a sudden wake me up wanting to have sex. What it does it starts to mess with your head. It's a mental mindf-ck.

Offer your friend support and listen to her. Hopefully he can see the damage he's causing.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

These are all symptoms that suggest BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was going to throw BPD out there--and emotional abuse.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

synthetic said:


> These are all symptoms that suggest BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
> 
> Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


If I remember correctly,this is the disorder that her counselor said she thought he might have.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

There is a book called, "I hate you, don't leave me." I forget who its by, but its a book about that very thing. It might be a good book to suggest to your friend to read. Maybe it could shed some light on whats going on and ways to handle it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> If I remember correctly,this is the disorder that her counselor said she thought he might have.


If that is the case, she is in for a world of madness if he's untreated and unwilling to get help.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Women...you have to remember we don't think like you. While we need sex to form and strengthen an emotional bond, we don't need the emotional bond to have sex.


Niether do they, they just have you conned into thinking they do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sex is sex. And not always a bodice ripping Flavio on a white horse, candles all over the house, chocolate cake chitchat about our 'feelings'. 

BTW LOTS of people with no self esteem have plenty of anger sex with people who hate them. Which is more or less the point of it.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Well, look at it this way. At least he doesn't cheat.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

synthetic said:


> These are all symptoms that suggest BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
> 
> Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


High five! That's exactly what I came here to post.

My brother's gf was like that. Absolutely insane. People with that disorder also tend to avoid medication because the doctor is "out to get me" so they stay in lala land forever. Run away, and never look back.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

scione said:


> Well, look at it this way. At least he doesn't cheat.


Maybe, but I'm sure the same can be said about her. Thats not the issue at hand here anyway.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

scione said:


> Well, look at it this way. At least he doesn't cheat.


You know...Being in the same sort of relationship im not sure his cheating would be worse.

Being emotionally battered and drained and losing your self esteam hurts just as bad if not more since the comments and anger comes from all angles unexpectedly repeatedly daily. One minute things can be ok then out of knowhere it all crazy again and your never at ease but rather walking on eggshells.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

scione said:


> Well, look at it this way. At least he doesn't cheat.


My ex was also unfaithul and I can say that the emotional abuse was worse than the cheatiing. It leaves a lots of scars.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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