# Forgiveness?



## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Hello all, sorry to be here, but here I am. I've been married 10 years, and have recently discovered my husband has had 3 affairs during the course of our marriage. The first was a one-night stand, the second was an EA, and the third was an EA that would have progressed to a PA given time. 

Without all the boring details, I discovered the most recent affair at the beginning of December, which also prompted the discovery of the one night stand that occurred 9 years ago. We've started counseling, we've been talking, he's appropriately apologetic and remorseful. But I don't know how to forgive. I've been on the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever experienced. I love him, but I hate him. I'm angry, then I'm sad. I feel optimistic that we can work it out, then I don't even think I want to try. The ambivalence is killing me.

I know each marriage is different, but I have to think this is a common reaction. Has anyone gotten past multiple affairs?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

There are a few here on the board that have. Hopefully they will respond given time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't know if you'd call what my hubby did 'multiple affairs' but we are moving past what he did. You can read more here if you like http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/32264-hello.html#post434954

Your reaction is SO very common. What your husband did is devastating and it will take much time to move past it.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Be prepared for people to tell you that you are crazy, and for you to believe that you are in fact crazy yourself.

You are not. As was mentioned, you are acting very normally.

There are a number of others on this board going through the same type of situation on the same timeline.

You might find strength in knowing you aren't alone in how you feel and how horribly you'd like this to stop.


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## UpperSideOfDown (Oct 27, 2011)

Given the situation your reaction is totally “normal”. One day you are sure it is the right thing to go… the next day you know with the same certainty that it the right thing to stay. This is just crazy...

From my experience… if there is the smallest doubt about forgiveness then don’t do it. If you want to forgive… please… go forgive yourself. You are in no way to blame for his cheating. It’s your husband who may have some underlying intimacy issues, that’s the reason he is acting out frequently. 
I would go ahead and deeper with counseling instead. Please remember… he cheated on you over the course of 9 years. He needs to work on his issues. He needs to know why he did it. Otherwise it will happen again after a while.
And you need to find out how big the damage done to you really is. After two months you can't be sure about your feelings and what actually to forgive. 

This is what happened to us. At the time the first affairs came out he was truly remorseful and did all to make it up. So I forgave him very fast. Next thing what happened... the struggle between was it right or wrong to forgive started. 
He kept his promises for a while. But then when certain situations come up and triggered the old itches again… he found very quick enough excuses to do it again. After all... there wasn't much of a consequence the last time... was it?
What needs to be done is not forgiveness when you don't feel it. You need to create boundaries and stick to them. 

My story in short… my husband and I are together 15 years and married for 11. Over the course of our 15 years my husband had several EA’s, ONS and at the end a long distance PA with a girl half his age that went on for years. I had more D-Days during our time together than I have fingers on one hand. The last one was about two months ago. By then we had two false recoveries and a separation in between. Two months ago I was ready for a divorce but backed off because of my son. 

For those who can’t understand how I could do this so long… it's related to childhood experiences. Something I would like to exchange experiences a little bit more (in a separate post certainly). But at the moment I’m about to build up a small business and there is less time for spending much time posting. 

At the moment we are both in counseling. Each of us in IC and together in MC. He is diagnosed with sex addiction what makes me a co-dependent. I really hate that. The marriage is on serious probation and very fragile because I'm so torn apart between leaving or staying, especially under the new situation. I just feel that I didn’t sign up for all of this when I married. However this is another story. 
I'm prepared to leave him on the spot and return with my son to Europe (where I come from) when he even goes so far to think about contacting the OW or any OW. In my case he doesn't need forgiveness... he needs boundaries and consequences. He said it himself... he needed to hit the bottom to stop what he was doing. 

We started the last R about one and a half month ago. I'll try to work it out. There is nothing I won't try because I promised my my 9 year old son. But there is also no guarantee and my son knows about that too. 
It goes well so far. We learned to communicate very open. That's the most important thing. However... I'm still struggeling and my husband knows about it. What makes it easier for me - especially on very bad days - is the knowing that I don't have to do that. I can stop it - any time. Or I can chose to go ahead for one more day. Sometimes this one day is enough. 

This is what works for me. Listen to your guts to find out what works for you. I wish you all the best!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your husband is a serial cheater. This means he has a serious issue and is broken. It's unlikely he can snap out of it instantly; it'll probably takes years and only when he has the intention of doing so.

You'll need to ask yourself if you want to share your husband with whoever he decides to bring into the marriage.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

He needs to be completely open during MC to get to the root of what is happen to prevent it from happening again.

I pray that everything works out


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Thank you all for your kind responses. It is comforting to know that what I'm feeling is "normal", if such a word can be used in this situation. And it's a reality check, I thought we had worked out so many things after the first EA, to be hit with another was devastating to say the least. After browsing this forum, I realize we had a false reconciliation, and I forgave way to fast, although the few months after the first one felt like an eternity. I hate the "limbo" we are in, not close to forgiveness but not ready to call it quits. It's torturous, but I guess I have to get used to it being the status quo for awhile. I have already told my husband if there is another affair, there will be no talking, marriage counseling, attempt at working things out, because I just can't do this again. I'm not sure I can even do this now. We have small children, and while I'm not willing to stay together just for their sake, neither am I able to irrevocably change their lives without giving this an honest shot. But to give it an honest shot, I will have to confront my feelings on forgiveness at some point, but I don't think I'm ready to do so now.


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