# intro, and thinking about leaving



## texnyc (Jul 7, 2014)

Oh, where to even begin. This is my first post here so hello to everyone.

I am 28 years old and have been with my husband for about 6.5 years. We will be married 5 years in October 2014. No kids.

I am seriously considering a divorce. My husband is a decent man - he helps around the house, works hard, and I know cares for me greatly. However, he has an angry side. I knew about this when we were dating, and I feel so very foolish for not recognizing it as a really, really, really big problem. His anger usually takes the form of the angry outburst. Usually I am not the source of his anger, but I am always the recipient. It is never physical, but he will storm around the apartment yelling at me while slamming cabinets, doors, etc. This is very scary for me and so very hurtful. I usually end up sitting in a corner somewhere crying my eyes out while he goes on and on. I tried over the years to emphasize how hurtful these outbursts are, but never felt I really got anywhere. The outbursts are relatively infrequent - maybe every 3-4 months, but then there might be 2 or 3 outbursts in quick succession. I became afraid of "poking the bear" so to speak, so a lot of times I did not speak my mind for fear of setting him off, especially when some of the other triggers were present (very tired, hungry, etc.). This created a situation where I did not feel comfortable expressing my feelings and I did not feel like I was EVER allowed to say anything critical about my husband even if I did it in a respectful way.

Around Thanksgiving 2013, he came home from work one day and was pretty much looking to start a fight with me the minute he walked in the door. I really didn't even have to say anything - he just started raging. Slamming cabinets, ranting and raving, etc. Eventually he stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. The door slammed so hard that a large framed photo fell off the wall. For some reason, seeing that stupid photo tumble off the wall was the breaking point for me. i finally stood up for myself and told him NO. That I will NOT be treated like that and that he was likely to not have a wife anymore if his behavior continued. Looking back I recognize this as a threat which it was not meant to be, but it was. 

I encouraged him to see a therapist for his anger management issues, which he refused. He said being angry was "just who he is". After a few days I asked if he would be willing to see a therapist together, which he agreed to. We went to several sessions which were initially helpful, especially with addressing the anger, but the sessions eventually became hour-long fights. Yes, the therapist just sat there and let us fight and fiddled with her phone. I opted to end our relationship with her. Of course we addressed other things in therapy, notably my husband's routine use of the "stonewall" whenever he is upset about something I did (but he will never tell me what I did - he just shuts down totally - leaving me hurt and confused and not sure what to do).

For a couple of months I thought we were making progress. My husband started learning how to manage his anger triggers, and I tried to offer regular acknowledgement and praise that he was working hard with that. We had a few blips but no huge blowouts.

However, the last month has been awful. He hasn't had any major outbursts but the general tone of our relationship has soured significantly. At one point we were arguing and he was starting to yell. I calmly asked him not to yell at me. His response was that he "resented me" for having to watch his "decibel level" whenever he talked to me. I was floored. He had told me previously that he thought working on his anger issues was a really positive thing in his life but now he says he resents me for it? I didn't even know what to say to that.

We can't seem to talk about much of anything without it devolving into hurt feelings and/or an argument or SOMETHING. My husband acknowledges that he is overly sensitive so for years I have always tried to be careful with that, but sometimes he still gets his feelings hurt over what (to me) is nothing! Seriously, sometimes we are both sitting there laughing at something, I will make a comment, and he will suddenly storm off and refuse to talk to me. Again, it makes me feel like I can't say ANYTHING without 1) anger 2) stonewalling or 3) hurt feelings. I have tried to get him to talk to me and open up to me about how he is feeling but it is rare that he does that. I get frustrated because he won't tell me what exactly I did, so I have no opportunity to fix it in the future. Talk about setting ourselves up to fail.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I admit that I still hold on to the pain from his angry outbursts. Even though they have slowed, I still hold on to the intense pain. He has never apologized for making me the target of his anger. I admit that my heart has hardened quite a bit. We of course have other issues too, which are too long and drawn out to discuss here, but to me the anger is the prevailing issue followed by the unwillingness to communicate on my husband's part. We are just at a point where everyone is feeling hurt with no clear path forward.

I recently started seeing a therapist on my own, which I hope is beneficial for me. I encouraged my husband to do the same. I have my doubts it will happen as I don't think he recognizes some of the problems in himself that I see (inability to take any criticism and insecurity are two of the big ones). I certainly cannot force him to go but I would like it if he did.

Even though I am the one that would initiate a divorce if it came to that, the thought hurts SO bad. My husband is not a bad guy and I do not hate him and am not out to be vindictive. I want to vomit. My parents will celebrate 35 years this year and before my grandmother died in April, her and my grandfather were at 65 years. I feel like the biggest failure by not even making it to 5 years of marriage.

Last week I told him I needed space so he went to his parents house for a few days. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment and I feel like we are physically on top of each other all the time, which certainly doesn't help when there are significant tensions. It is like waiting for a bomb to go off. For the first few days I honestly felt relieved - just knowing that I could come home to some peace and quiet was such a huge burden lifted. However, in the past day or so I am becoming so confused about my feelings. I have moments where I know a divorce is the right thing, and other moments where I think I am starting to miss him. Frankly I think I really miss the physical connection with someone...anyone. Not sex, but just a long, tight hug or a close snuggle in bed. I am not from here so my family all lives far away, which is all the more painful during this struggle. I have been trying to nurture some friendships during this time apart.

I'm sorry this became such a novel. As I'm sure you all know, there is so much more to a marriage than can be talked about in a few paragraphs. Ultimately I just feel like a horrible person because a divorce will be painful for everyone involved and hurting people is not what I want. I am terrified of regretting my decision, and terrified of being on my own again and terrified that nobody will ever love me again. I can't believe I might be divorced before I am 30 years old.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Go back and re-read your post, and imagine that a friend was telling you all of this.

You already know the advice you would give her: get the h*ll out of there!

Why do you stay with this tyrant? He has shown you that he will NOT get help and address his anger issues.

Time to pack it up, move along.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

A lot of your post seems dedicated towards how other people will think and feel about your divorce. Also, you're spending a lot of time working on your husband's issues when he seems unwilling to do so. 

You might find the below link helpful: 

Codependent Patterns & Characteristics

I was divorced at 30. I think it's actually easier to move on with your life when you are younger, especially if there are no children involved. 

I used to view my divorce as a failure, but have come to realize it really was the death of a dream. Which is very sad. But I know it was the right decision for me and I no longer worry what anyone thinks about it, including my ex.


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## texnyc (Jul 7, 2014)

Thanks for your replies. I do know, waaaaaaay deep down inside, what the right thing to do is. That doesn't make it any easier. I also have a lot of financial fears - I have a decent job but live in NYC so I will be scraping by for a while and of course I haven't lived like that for a long time. My husband and I are meeting at a neutral site this evening so I hope I can get to a place where I am more sure of myself in this decision.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It never ceases to amaze me just what people will put up with because they're terrified of the idea of divorce. But the thing is that it always needs to be on the table if someone won't address bad behavior or there is no motivation. My ex flat out admitted that he didn't think I was going anywhere so how he treated me or whether I was happy didn't matter.

That's what you have here; your hb either isn't happy being married to you or he just doesn't think you're going anywhere. And he's right because you've already said you won't initiate a divorce, so what motivation does he have? He needs a punching bag and you're probably the only one who will take it. His boss will fire him, his friends will kick his a$$. You are the one that takes it, so in a sense you've taught him to treat you this way.

This whole idea people have about being failures is stupid; you can't control him, only you. Are you still a failure if he beats you up and you leave him? What does he have to do to get rid of this idea that you're a failure for leaving? I'd argue you're a failure if you remain where you're being treated poorly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I would definitely think it's time for a wakeup call on his part. But if you both still love each other give it a chance. Make him think yore really leaving and see if he wakes up. I did, but apparently it was too late. She had already lost her feelings. Maybe you still have a chance.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

Definitely, if you're in physical danger, you should leave. But otherwise, I probably would disagree with the others to leave at this point. I say that only because your DH actually had been willing to see a therapist to get help. You said yourself that she began to take a back seat and just let you two fight it out. It seems she squandered a good opportunity, but maybe it's just me. I was wondering that if you did decide to separate, could you give him some homework and see if he's willing to work through it? The hope of reconciliation can be powerful motivation for some. A good book may be "The Anger Trap" because it addresses the root issues that have made your DH the explosive angry man he is. It sounds like your counselor focused on tools to help him control his anger, which is good, but not enough. I wish you the very best. HUGS to you!


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

I have been going through an almost identical situation, except I'm the husband. In my case a month separation seemed to shake her enough that she's now serious about changing. I too felt that deep down I wanted to just end it, it seemed like it would be a lot easier and reduce the risk of having to co parent with some one who can't control their anger. 

I guess you have to balance out the rewards of staying with him with the risks his angry outburst can posse. Angry out bursts can escalate to violence over time so it's a good thing you called him out on it before it got to that point. 

Are your family putting pressure on you to make it work?


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