# Wife depressed / hates me / blames me / other ???



## DeepBreathPKI

Hi. I'm new on here.
Seems there a a lot of folks out there trying to deal with 'diagnosed' conditions or situations. That would feel like a step forward for me. I'm not sure where to start, this may all read a little random... .. . .
At the moment I am often toatally confused / upset and actaully quite angry at the situations I find myself in during and after some 'communications' with my Wife.
I will say in short. When things are good, they are great, when not good It is truely the worst feeling.

In summary, I work 5days and 50hrs. My wife works 3days 30hours. In the time during the rest of each week:
My wife spends a extraordinary amount of time on the laptop playing pointless games on FB, Ebay and whatever. I have estimated 30-40hours a week maybe more.
She is not houseproud but complains about the state of it.
She does cook, probably more than me. But I do my fair share.
Clothes, both clean and dirty would literally pile up in the house for weeks on end if I did not deal with it.
She hardly ever, washes up, dusts or hoovers.
I literally wash(toilets clothes pots etc)/iron/tidy/DIY constantly.

I OK'd for her to pay only half what she should really pay into the house (given our earnings are 60/40 split)and she still manages to spend the rest every month, expecing me to stump up in week 4 of every month.
I pay for both cars, weekly shops, holidays, days out, childrens lunch money/swimming etc. 
Consequently I am literally tied to OT and just getting month to month.

Whenever I confront her on these things it is quickly elevated. She immediately assumes the higher ground just by being more aggressive and defensive. Often using words phrases/ tones which if any stranger used the same I would probably physically attack them !
These situations leave me feeling like I have no purpose other than to exist to provide. I do have hobbiies but fairly limited in terms of expense and time allowed. Then I'm often questioned albeit toungue in cheek about where I have been. ??

My negative words for my wife:
Lazy
Controlling
Contradictory
Aggressive
Moody
Abusive
Selfish
Opinionated
Stubborn

Yet underneath all this negative, to which I clearly focus on, there is a hugely positive side which I just dont see enough of. 
It is this chalk and cheese sitaution which is so frustrating and leaves we feeling anxious awkward around her constantly rolling around conversations in my head trying to work out the best way of asking her something.

I'll leave it there. I could rant on all night.

Just want a leveller playing field....


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## Mindful Coach

Stop confronting her if it ends poorly. "I want _____, and this is what I am willing to do _____" should be enough. For example, "I want us to make a budget and stick to it so we can "buy a house", "go on a trip" - whatever let's sit down and work this out. Then, when it's worked out, stick to it. If she is short at the end of the month say "I'm sorry, I guess we'll have to do without for a week". Obviously if you have to fill the gas tank for her to get to work you might want to that, but you do not have to pony over your money every month because she fails to keep to the budget.

"I want to even out the chores, lets make a list of who does what". Make the list, do what you need to do and if she is a slob about her part, then I guess she will have to sit in it.

Stating what you want and making suggestions for how to work it out is not confrontational and should not include pointing out each other's character defects, it's about you both stating what you want and working together as a team to make it happen.

Good luck!


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## Almostrecovered

hmmmm...endless hours on facebook and blaming you for a poor marriage?

any other signs that she is cyber cheating/having an EA?


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## unbelievable

I'd quit paying for internet as cost saving measure. If you have to rely on overtime to make ends meet, you need to cut expenses. She apparently can't pay it because she has trouble meeting her existing bills. Relieved of the distraction, she might find better uses of her time.


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## DeepBreathPKI

Thanks for the quick reply.

When I say 'confront it', Its the same as 'mention it'. 

I thinks she sees it as criticism, whatever the tactic of raising the subject. 
Like when I pointed out (calmly) that the laptop is slow becasue she has a lot of bandwidth heavy games open; 'Dont diss my games Dip****'. Came the retort. 

Anyway, thanks for the advise. I need to be a little stronger and structured in my approach.


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## DeepBreathPKI

DeepBreathPKI said:


> Thanks for the quick reply.
> 
> When I say 'confront it', Its the same as 'mention it'.
> 
> I thinks she sees it as criticism, whatever the tactic of raising the subject.
> Like when I pointed out (calmly) that the laptop is slow becasue she has a lot of bandwidth heavy games open; 'Dont diss my games Dip****'. Came the retort.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for the advise. I need to be a little stronger and structured in my approach.


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## DeepBreathPKI

Almostrecovered said:


> hmmmm...endless hours on facebook and blaming you for a poor marriage?
> 
> any other signs that she is cyber cheating/having an EA?


Famous last words:
I really dont think she is haveing a n affair. (although I often wish she was ?! WTF?) Ive noted the cyber and social activity enough to know it is mainly a mind numbing waste of time. 
However, I will keeep vigilent ! Cheers


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## brendan

good luck, was very similar to my ex wife.

she worked 30 hours and other than date had no motivation, played facebook games and pointless games on laptop and kept an untidy house.

She was diagnosed with depression. in the 2 years since proposal, she totally changed and become so negative. I am a positive person - we ended up splitting up after counselling''good luck


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## DeepBreathPKI

brendan said:


> good luck, was very similar to my ex wife.
> 
> she worked 30 hours and other than date had no motivation, played facebook games and pointless games on laptop and kept an untidy house.
> 
> She was diagnosed with depression. in the 2 years since proposal, she totally changed and become so negative. I am a positive person - we ended up splitting up after counselling''good luck


Thats my worry. Depression! However the patterns are regular but its not quite all the time. . .. just most of the time. (lol)
I'm a posiitve person also but I refuse to use all my energy to drag her up. I see it as a shared responsibility.

If anything I do the opposite of trying to dragging her up/out. Youve got to love yourself first.

Thanks


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## muttgirl

The depression seems to make everything harder for me so house work and things take longer than I would like. Also, if money is an issue, do spending logs for every penny you each spend for 2 wks-month to see where its going. But you do know money and chores and jobs will never be even and fair because life isnt fair. But you can try to make it better. Getting rid of internet is a great idea to save money and motivate your w to get a better schedule. Good luck and dont give up yet.


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## DeepBreathPKI

I have made up a list of expenses for myself to demonstrate (becasue she clearly has no grasp on the actual cost of things in general) what I earn and what goes out right down to mobile phone bills, fuel costs etc and what generally I have left. I have encouraged her to do the same for her personal exxpenses (as we have our own income) to get a better handle on things, but she immediatly takes the defensive stance and sees me as being intrusive or untrustworthy or suspecting that she 'wastes' money on things (clothes etc) way too much and that leaves her short when the 3/4 week comes around so fuel and general weekend family costs are suddenly and expectantly '100% my scope'. Problem is I dont trust her with Money, she doies waste money, she cannot budget month to month, she cannot save, but she will not have me questioning her about it. I just get a big defensive reaction leaving me feeling like Ive done somthing wrong.

Anyway, all this talk of money being an issue is just one example of my wife blaming others for her own problems. My part has being letting her get away with it. 
Turning it around is the bigger problem. In all honesty I have no Idea how........


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## DeepBreathPKI

Another thing.

From being out this weekend with friends for quite an afternoon session. I came home around 11pm. (the time I said I would) when I came in, clealry very drunk but then opened my heart and told her how much I love her etc etc. 
She spends the next day giving me a hard time about it all. About how drunk I was and how the neigbours saw me and telling me dont drink that 'whatever it was' drink again. 
But, Hey, big dealI went out (dont go out much), had a good time. no-one got hurt, no-one was unfaithful. Just Friday let your hair down fun. Then I get home and get this Old mithery woman trying to make me feel bad or embarrassed or something.

I just don't compute. 

She goes out, comes in drunk = its funny, lets tell everyone that she has hangover cause its funny and we had a great time. She has drunken sex with husband, nice, thanks, smiley face! everythings happy. Lets have a day on the couch writing off the day almost completely while husband brings tea and attends to children etc etc. I'm happy to do this.... but...

I go out = questions, suspiciion, scowls, Tension, coldness. Tell the story of me getting in the house to friends and family like I've committed the worst atrocity. Takes pleasure in putting on me, picking kids up, making lunch, other chores etc. watching me suffer with my hangover.

Makes me hate the situation more by writing it! Its just not what I want from Life.... from a wife.

but I keep letting it happen !


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## Posse

DeepBreathPKI said:


> but I keep letting it happen !


Why?


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## DeepBreathPKI

Becasue she is so good at taking the upper hand, the higher ground. When I challenge it, to elevate myself over her position to reason my side I must ultimately be so angry and forceful that I almost lose control becasue arguing with her is so frustrating. Its like having a discussion with some one with completely different morals or beliefs or physics to my world.


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## JoeRockStar

DeepBreathPKI said:


> Becasue she is so good at taking the upper hand, the higher ground. When I challenge it, to elevate myself over her position to reason my side I must ultimately be so angry and forceful that I almost lose control becasue arguing with her is so frustrating. Its like having a discussion with some one with completely different morals or beliefs or physics to my world.


My wife is very similar in this regard, it's impossible to bring up something that's bothering me without her flipping out and trying to turn the tables and make ME the bad guy.

Wish I had advice for you and sorry I don't but at least I will commiserate with you. I avoid arguments like the plague for this reason and nothing ever gets accomplished. Like you, I have to reach the end of my rope and explode before I can get through to her.


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## DeepBreathPKI

Thanks for the note. Its good just to know there are others out there with similar issues.

We all make choices, good or bad. Its how we deal with the results in the long term that makes us.


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## brendan

again, we seem very similar.

sounds like she has got depression man and resents you like my wife did me. Our counsellor ended up saying "my wife is jealous of me because im a happy person and havent got depression" so when i have fun or like you come home happy drunk occasionally she hates it.

but then its okay for wife to go out clubbing to 4am and leave daughter home with me.

not bad people, just not good wives


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## Drover

If she's truly depressed, kick her in the ass and send to a doctor. My wife strongly resents the fact that I didn't do that when she was depressed. Don't be an enabler. Don't be afraid of her anger. But trying to address all the symptoms and resenting her more and more for them won't help either of you.

With that said, being her doormat won't help either of you either. I've been through this and after ten years am finally addressing it. Letting her walk all over you by being her enabler, doing all her housework, letting her spend your money, etc will only serve to let her lose respect for you.


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## CantWin

I thought I was reading my own life story - sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to say because I just now found this site and joined it and I'm hoping someone will be able to say something when I post my own topic.


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## DanStone

Sounds exactly like my wife, too.


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## lostandinlove

I went through all that with my ex husband. He was depressed and blamed me for everything, even things that clearly were NOT my fault. I spent 15 years in that relationship trying to support him, encouraging him to get help and if not just keeping my mouth closed and walking on eggshells.

My new BF went through a very similar experience with his ex wife. 

I truly believe that until someone is ready and willing to seek treatment (and stick with it), there really isn't much you can do. She IS going to continue to find ways to break your rules, ridicule you and basically make you her slave. 

It took leaving my marriage for my ex to even realize what a monster he had become, and even then he thought that a few weeks in counseling would do the trick. Nope, still a monster and tries to control me through our child.

As for my new BF, his ex still has no clue how childish her behaviour is. and she continues with it too. We are both tortured continually by the exes.

I'm not saying there is no hope, but until there is a drastic change in the situation, she is going to keep taking advantage whenever she can.


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## Paul64

Unbelievable. I just found and read this and it all sounds so familiar.

I was really beginning to think it was me that had the problem, though I do know I'm not entirely blameless.

My wife works short hours for 3 days a week then resents doing any housework on her "days off"
I get blamed for not spending any time with the kids or doing my fair share, whatever that may be.
I leave the house at 7 and get home at 7 and earn enough that money is not a problem.

I suppose the question is what can I/we do?
She always takes the moral high ground (doing all the housework and looking after the kids)
then lays it all on me.

Paul


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## Runs like Dog

Some people are delusionally paranoid and don't see the world as it really is. They insist that if they tell you to do something and you do it, it's because the task is worthless anyway. But if they do the same task it's like they created world peace and cured AIDS on the same day. Or if they give you a list of 500 things to do, they decide you screwed up 428 of them and ignored the rest while the one thing you asked them to do went undone or done wrong and that, is probably your fault too. Or they just lie about it and shriek at you that you never told them to do it. 

There are some people who never ever ever ever ever take any responsibility for anything, even their own lives and happiness. Especially for things they themselves make an enormous deal out of demanding that they have sole unquestioned authority over. Everything is your fault, your problem, your responsibility. They are never at fault because nothing is ever their responsibility. They are never accountable to anyone for anything, ever. And this gives them free reign to do whatever they like however they like. 

It's also a trait of high functioning psychopaths who live to push you around in subtle ways. It seems counter intuitive but apparent helplessness is a form of particularly toxic control over others. But, as I said, it's subtle. The person who's ALWAYS slow to get in or out of a car so that everyone has to wait for them. The persobn with a camera who makes everyone pose for pictures for an hour until you're late for something important. In fact abuse of other people's time is a key trait. 

The person who 'loses' their keys 15 times a day and holds up everyone or blames you. The person who's 'anxiety' means that all plans have to constantly change and the more you allow them to change their plans the more wound up they get until nothing gets done at all. The person who never seems to ever complete a simple list be it a shopping list or a bunch of tasks. There's always some 'reason' that something gets 'forgotten' or there was a problem (always someone else's fault mind you).

It's not depression. Because depression is for many people, anger turned inward. They hate themselves, or believe they should hate themselves. Blaming is hating YOU, is being furious at you, and making it their life's work to punch you in face about that.


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## Jaz

gaming as a means to distract yourself from the dump you've created and the husband you blame for everything that went wrong in your life? I shamelessly admit to that too. and though I have my depression episodes, hers doesn't exactly justify everything. *there's depression, and then there's extreme diffusion of responsibility.* what kicked my ass back into sobriety? a taste of reality without my husband. give her an idea of the reality and enormous responsibility that await her should you decide to check out (hopefully never, but even the thought of it is enough of an impact sometimes).

I mean when did overspending become a symptom of depression?
difficulty committing to household chores, being jealous that you're out getting rowdy with friends and not sharing her misery, assuming a defensive position at the slightest hint of criticism are things I'm all too familiar with in my depression. (you have my solemn respect for putting up with all this as I know how utterly frustrating it can be to dig through all the nasty crap 6 days a week for one day of the sweet, true wife you know and love. it shows how invested you are in this marriage that you're still weighing things out rationally so kudos)
she needs to realize that. and stop letting her depression or self-loathing justify her self-indulgent habits. she needs to learn this is a partnership and pull her own weight. and only then would some financial advising or MC work for her, imho.

i second the cutting out internet subscription expenses suggestion. hurts both parties but desperate times call for NO NET FOR YOU >:O


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