# How do you separate sex and affection.



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Hi, I have an issue where a lack of sex = a lack of affection in my mind.

I think I have always had this issue due to long term childhood abuse where the only person to show me affection was my abuser. Never really thought about it till very recently as I just put it down to having a very high sex drive.

Was forced to confront this issue this week when my wife of 6 years (with 3 years together beforehand) said things are over. I won't rehash the overall situation in here as I have already posted it; http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62090-end-things.html#post1252873 .

Of the things that have come to light through this, one of the key things that has stood out is she has been feeling used and worthless due to my seeming to only want her for sex. At first I was cross and denied this and said she just didn't understand it's not sex I want but affection. having had time to think i can see this is slightly ridiculous as it was very clearly sexual contact i was aiming for when seeking affection.

Has anyone had success dealing with this sort of issue. the abuse at root of it may complicate it but I I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who has or is dealing with a similar sex = affection problem.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I can offer this and perhaps it will help to clarify. When I was a teenager and starting to notice Girls, my mom gave me some sage advice: Boys give love to get Sex and Girls give sex to get LOVE. In this situation, I think we can equate 'affection' to 'love'. Yes, I know the little axiom doesn't fit everyone but it's a good rule of thumb.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

K.C. said:


> Hi, I have an issue where a lack of sex = a lack of affection in my mind.
> 
> I think I have always had this issue due to long term childhood abuse where the only person to show me affection was my abuser. Never really thought about it till very recently as I just put it down to having a very high sex drive.
> 
> ...


Don’t take it to heart. It’s a woman’s way of hurting a man, a shet test. If you’ve been a good provider to your family then be proud of yourself, be very proud of that.


I think that “You only want me for sex” actually comes from someone other than your wife, either a toxic friend muttering it when your wife is talking about you to them, or an affair partner trying to get into your wife’s knickers. Don’t challenge your wife, do spy on her though so you can see what’s really going on in her life.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Yeah that sounds spot on!

But if the object of your affection is unable to have sex or has a lower sex drive it doesn't mean they don't love you. It is that logical step I am trying to sort out in my head. I "know" it to be true but thats not the same as managing to live by it.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Forget all that.


You need to find out why she’s hurting you. She’s doing it deliberately and consciously. You really need to find out why.


Be assured you wont find out by asking her.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Nah AFEH, its a valid statement in our case. There is a medical condition stopping her being able and being the idiot I am I have been pestering her whenever I thought she might be up to. The whole story is in the other thread. I am certain I have been putting unfair pressure on her regarding this. There aren't any redflags to indicate another man in our problems. After seeing the number of threads here where someone is 100% there isn't only to find there is, I wont say I am certain but I am 99%. 

Besides, even if it turned out there is someone else, it doesn't mean its not an issue. At some point, either with or without the wife, it will be an issue for me to resolve.

How do you mentally separate the two. Sex with someone doesn't mean they love you forever so why should a lack of sex mean the opposite. A lack of sex may well be an indicator of other issues but in itself it doesn't mean they don't love you.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

What’s the issue to resolve?

If your wife (a) believes that sex is one of the foundations of marriage, (b) loves you and (c) appreciates you such that she wants to keep you in her life, she will give you her sex. Worked for me for over 40 years.

It’s not rocket science.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s also essential that (d) your wife is attracted to you, that she finds you attractive. And desirable. The latter is essential for good, passionate and deep loving sex.

And of course (e) she has no toxic friends and/or she's not in an affair and (f) she isn't trying to get rid of you.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You separate sex and affection by marrying a friend who is not a lover instead of a lover who is a friend.


----------



## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Hi, I have an issue where a lack of sex = a lack of affection in my mind.


That's not an issue. That's how men think. Nothing to apologize for.

To men, sex is affection and intimacy. Of course we like hugs, and kisses, and touch, but sex typically falls into that same category.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Normal relationship sex and affection goes hand and hand. It is a way to bond and get closer. Exceptions to this would be people that have bad attitudes about sex. Prostitutes that just have sex for money, people brought up in homes that "sex is bad."

I have seen a post from a woman in a sexless marriage. She was saying how she does not get how women feel like an object. But then she went on to say how great it would feel to be used as an object. To be tossed around with passion. For her body to be used for pleasure... she was longing for such a terrible fate.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I see what people are saying but ours was never a sexless marriage, we didnt have sex as often as i'd like, but as said, I have a very high sex drive, we're not talking just on special occasion or ridiculous amounts of time between. I would actually say our sex life was pretty good and the sex itself was always great.

The reason for the OP isn't that she "wouldn't" have sex but that she "couldn't". Genuine health issue (yes I know for a fact it is genuine and not cover for not having sex as I have seen the doctors notes and researched the situation) and my untimely sexual advances and pressure has been a major influence on our current situation. 

I don't want to treat sex as completely different from a healthy relationship, I couldn't live in a long term sexless relationship. I want to align a "genuine" reason for temporarily no sex with not meaning there was no love anymore. A couple months (yes that is longer than usual between sex for us prior to the issues) into the health issue she offered oral and I felt bad for her offering when there would be nothing I could do in return and said I'd rather wait till she was OK. I regret that too as maybe she took that wrong.

Maybe I am struggling to articulate my point, but the key is that for a time until an operation she *couldn't* have sex even if she was 'gagging for it'. Somehow I managed to change that into being a lack of affection in our marriage. I have since thought back over this and previous relationships and I think while associating the two may be healthy and normal, focusing on the sex alone isnt healthy at all?


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

I only brought up a sexless marriage situation just to show what a unhealthy view of sex is. I did not read your other post but I do not see a problem with your attitude about sex. In a loving relationship people work together to get through the hard times. Is she willing to help you in other ways so you get what you need? I have seen couples with bad injuries still provide what they can. You just got to understand to be thankful what she gives you during this time. Both of you need to communicate and work something out in a loving understanding manner for each other. It sounds like you did this, I would not feel guilty about accepting oral if you are high drive. Ask her what you can do for her to show love. Could be just being there for her a talking more, getting gifts ect. What ever her other love languages are.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

K.C. said:


> I see what people are saying but ours was never a sexless marriage, we didnt have sex as often as i'd like, but as said, I have a very high sex drive, we're not talking just on special occasion or ridiculous amounts of time between. I would actually say our sex life was pretty good and the sex itself was always great.
> 
> The reason for the OP isn't that she "wouldn't" have sex but that she "couldn't". Genuine health issue (yes I know for a fact it is genuine and not cover for not having sex as I have seen the doctors notes and researched the situation) and my untimely sexual advances and pressure has been a major influence on our current situation.
> 
> ...


Absolutely not healthy at all! A good sexual relationship only comes after all other boxes have been ticked. In my mind anyway and I believe I had an excellent sexual relationship.


If your wife is ill/poorly perhaps the very worse thing you can do is “go for sex”. Even more so with the case in your wife’s condition. In your case it may well seem to your wife that all you want her for is sex. Probably a gross over exaggeration but maybe an indication of how you make her feel when you want sex given her condition.

Seems you’ve been at the very least insensitive. If you have an apology is really in order. But don’t just go ahead and say “I’m sorry” or some such thing. Most don’t know how to apology correctly, least of all effectively. So Google “how to apologise” or some such thing, you’ll be surprised what comes back.


On another front, the “balance” in your marriage is changing dramatically wrt earning power etc. It will undoubtedly deeply and profoundly affect your marriage.


----------



## MsPATS (Nov 28, 2012)

afeh said:


> you separate sex and affection by marrying a friend who is not a lover instead of a lover who is a friend.



bingo!


----------



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Ah... men sometimes... these answers....smh

K.C. awesome question

I think its fairly natural for men to equate affection with sex
The issue comes when only sex will fill your affection bank
This puts both you and your spouse in a precaious spot
You don't feel loved unless she's f*cking you
And she feels like she can only show you love by f*cking you, which puts her at a disadvantage when she is unable to do that due to her illness

So you start to act less loving towards her because you're not being loved (f*cked) by her
And that hurts her feelings and make her feel used

Wouldn't you feel used... if she felt the way you loved her was by buying her expensive things
Then you lost your job so she started being less loving because you can't provide her with stuff

You want to be more thank a bank account
And she wants to be more than a vagina

A good idea to think about, when she can't f*ck you because she's sick, is to think about all the other ways she tries to show love to you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Absolutely not healthy at all! A good sexual relationship only comes after all other boxes have been ticked. In my mind anyway and I believe I had an excellent sexual relationship.
> 
> 
> If your wife is ill/poorly perhaps the very worse thing you can do is “go for sex”. Even more so with the case in your wife’s condition. In your case it may well seem to your wife that all you want her for is sex. Probably a gross over exaggeration but maybe an indication of how you make her feel when you want sex given her condition.
> ...


Nail on head there. That is pretty much exactly how it has/is happening.
So having made this mistake how do you go about fixing it? Knowing it's wrong in theory doesn mean it's easy to actually sort it. :scratchhead:


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

K.C. said:


> Nail on head there. That is pretty much exactly how it has/is happening.
> So having made this mistake how do you go about fixing it? Knowing it's wrong in theory doesn mean it's easy to actually sort it. :scratchhead:


It's simple, really. If you believe you have truly fcd up, apologise "effectively" (really do research how) and ask your wife to forgive you.


The apology must be such that your wife both thinks and feels you "get it". She must believe that you really do get it and "hope" that she will see change in you. But don't talk about change, promises etc., just live the change.


If she doesn't forgive you, then that's on her. It's not on you.



If you're into recovery/reconciliation then have a look at The Marriage Course - Explore the Marriage Course | Alpha USA. They run in the UK, just google "the marriage course".


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Well Tomorrow I am going to seek professional help for issues inc i guess this one. 

Hoping she sees I am making a genuine effort not just paying lip service to sorting myself like I have in the past. it may be too late but intending to everything I can.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

AFEH said:


> If you're into recovery/reconciliation then have a look at The Marriage Course - Explore the Marriage Course | Alpha USA. They run in the UK, just google "the marriage course".


that looks amazing. I think it is not an option as of now. but if I can get any progress that means she is considering reconciliation (she absolutely isnt right now) I will definitely look at that.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ankh said:


> I can offer this and perhaps it will help to clarify. When I was a teenager and starting to notice Girls, my mom gave me some sage advice: Boys give love to get Sex and Girls give sex to get LOVE. In this situation, I think we can equate 'affection' to 'love'. Yes, I know the little axiom doesn't fit everyone but it's a good rule of thumb.


I think there's a lot of truth in this. Providing the feelings are genuine, I see this as a win/win situation.


----------

