# Caught my wife cheating; what to do now?



## Hockey44 (May 7, 2014)

I need some advice. A month or so ago I caught my wife in a lie about where she was one. She said she was at happy hour with work friends but I found out she was actually at a male coworkers house who is also married, he's in his mid 50's and she's only 28. I called her out on it and after denying for a while she finally admitted that she had kissed him that night. She said it was a one time thing and used the excuse that she had been drinking and she doesn't know why she did it. We were working through it and then just a week ago I took a half day and left early only to come home to this same guy quickly running out the back door of my house. I went off and demanded answers. She finally admitted that she had been seeing him for 2-3 months. He would come over after work with her because she knew I get home about and hour or so after her. She's admitted that they've done some things but she's adamant that they did not have sex, which I think I believe. I have a good read on her, I almost always know when she's not truthful and I could tell (at least I think) by the way she said it, that she was telling the truth. 

She's battled depression and anxiety for her entire life. She says (and has said before) that she never been satisfied with her life and that she's never been truly happy, even as a child. We've been together for 10 years, married almost 2, and I know she does have a lot of problems with depression and anxiety. She finally decided to seek help soon after we got married but didn't like the counselor she was seeing so she stopped going but she has been on antidepressants since then. She says that she's in love with me and that she doesn't know why she did what she did. I told her that she must not be totally happy with our relationship and she keeps saying that it has nothing to do with us and that she wouldn't change anything about us. She thinks she did it because she's always looking for an escape and that she was looking to fill a void. I've never suffered from depression so it's hard for me to understand how she can be happy with us, but unhappy with her life, and basically ruin our relationship to fill a void. She's seeking help again and going to see a therapist and she really wants to get herself some help. The guy she had been seeing apparently told his wife and my wife says that they both mutually agreed that it needed to stop. It makes me wonder if this would have ended had he not told his wife. 

If someone would have asked me 2 months ago, I would have said we have an amazing marriage. There are tough times for her because of her depression, but for the most part, she seems to be better when she's with me. We get along great, rarely ever fight, and we have sex at least twice a week. She's never had a high sex drive and she's not overly affectionate. I do have a high sex drive and I'm very affectionate so that has caused some minor issues, but nothing major. This is what confuses me the most. She's never had a high sex drive, yet she's seeking to fulfill that somewhere else. She's drop dead gorgeous, and I consider myself average looking I guess, so the thing that really confuses me is why with such an older man? I've always felt that I outkicked my coverage because of how beautiful she is, so I assumed if she were to ever do this it would be with a guy she found more attractive than me. I've told her I'm giving her another chance because she insists she loves me and want to be with me. She's seeking help and we're also looking into marriage counseling. Her sister, who I'm very close with, is the only person that knows about what happened and from talking to her, she seems to think my wife does love me and really wants to work it out and does regret what happened. 

I'm just really struggling to understand this. I'm scared that when things get better with us, that she will go back to what she was doing with him, if he allows it. I'm worried that she really doesn't love me but she's scared to lose the only good thing she has in her life. I also wonder if she's upset with herself for doing this or if she's just upset that she got caught. I just don't know what to do or if I should even believe anything she tells me anymore. Sorry for the long post. Any advice would be great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry you are here.
I would not believe a word she says right now and I would get a hold of his wife personally.
Tell her you need some time alone and ask her to go live with her sister for some time.
You have to show her that there are consequences for her actions.
Have her write a timeline of the affair and that if it sounds like bs you will take her for a polygraph test.
You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

So sorry you are here. you will get amazing advice here fromo thousands who have been in the same situation.

First, they had sex, and they did this all the time. No man sneaks into a women's house to talk, They could do that at Starbucks.

Secondly, the other wife does not have a clue despite what you have been told. This is the typical plan developed that your wife and the other man is using to protect their butt and to take this underground.

It happens all the time here on TAM. Happened to me also.

So, you will know get a wake-up call from TAM readers about exposure, 180, etc. Go with it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Both you and her need to get STD tests also.
If you want to reconcile she has to look for another job.
Although from what you have posted I don't know why you would just my opinion.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Put the om up on cheaterville and send him the link and send it to his superiors also.


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## Hockey44 (May 7, 2014)

I know his wife knows. I've told my wife I was going to contact her on Facebook and she had no problem with me doing that. Should I really not believe they didn't have sex? She admits to giving him oral, but is adamant that they didn't have sex. Like I said, I can usually see through her lies and I felt like she was telling the truth. I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, but I want to see if we can work it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

Hockey44 said:


> I know his wife knows. I've told my wife I was going to contact her on Facebook and she had no problem with me doing that. Should I really not believe they didn't have sex? She admits to giving him oral, but is adamant that they didn't have sex. Like I said, I can usually see through her lies and I felt like she was telling the truth. I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, *but I want to see if we can work it out.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude, take my advice... There's NOTHING to work out. She cheated, and will either continue with this dude, or cheat again.

Prepare yourself.. you're in for a LONG ride through hell.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hockey44 said:


> He would come over after work with her because she knew I get home about and hour or so after her. She's admitted that they've done some things but she's adamant that they did not have sex, which I think I believe. I have a good read on her, I almost always know when she's not truthful and I could tell (at least I think) by the way she said it, that she was telling the truth.


First, I'm sorry you're here. You will be getting some straight talk from many of the posters - and I'll start it.

I want you to look at your quote above. For you to believe that they didn't have sex is completely irrational, bordering on delusional. You need to accept the fact that they did. And just as important, she needs to admit that she did, before you make a decision on whether to R or D. Not so much to confirm the truth; but for her need to be honest as a consequence for what she's done. 

Some might suggest you make your wife take a polygraph. But in my opinion, it's so obvious they had sex, that there's a much greater chance of her faking the poly than her ridiculous lie being true. I wouldn't go there. If she doesn't admit it, I wouldn't R with her. Just that simple.

You need to understand that cheaters almost always only admit, to what they know you know. It's called trickle truth. That your wife is an exception to this cheater's script, is extremely unlikely. If you know your wife as well as you say, you'd have caught her deceptions long before now. 

Insist that she tell you the truth and don't accept anything less. When she does, come back for more advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hockey44 said:


> same guy quickly running out the back door of my house.
> 
> She's admitted that they've done some things but she's adamant that they did not have sex, which I think I believe. I have a good read on her, I almost always know when she's not truthful and I could tell (at least I think) by the way she said it, that she was telling the truth.


Really? Cos you sure didn't read that she was CHEATING on you. 

Assume they've had sex. Get tested for STDs. Demand she quit her job and call this guy's boss and tell him what he's done.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hockey44 said:


> I know his wife knows. I've told my wife I was going to contact her on Facebook and she had no problem with me doing that.


Get her number and CALL her and tell her what her husband has been doing.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hockey44 said:


> She admits to giving him oral, but is adamant that they didn't have sex.


Hate to break it to you, but oral is sex. Bill Clinton not withstanding. No matter; that's not where it ended.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You really think you can see through her? Then how did she pull the wool over your eyes for months?

And the reason it's called "oral sex"? Because it's sex...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You should really have a talk with the other guys wife and see what story he gave her.
Again cheaters lie, plain and simple.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Hockey, you don't know your wife at all. She shows you one face but has another she shows others. 

Do you honestly believe two adults who are hot enough for each other (evidence: "kissing") that they'd just talk when they were together? c'mon man, even teenagers do more than that.

It just doesn't make sense that they meet for days and days for hour upon hour and did nothing more than chat? You can chat over the phone or on a computer. 

Would it be a deal breaker if they had sex - and lots of it? Or is the deal breaker constant lying. Because she's been doing both IMO. 

Get yourself tested for STDs and tell her you don't believe her. Tell her you want a polygraph before any marriage counseling occurs. Why go to MC if the relationship you're trying to save is based on lies?

Polygraphs aren't always reliable but her reaction to knowing you want one will be revealing.


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

She gave another man...Some guy in his 50s an oral? And she is 28? WTF? 

No screw that. It would be over. I caught my wife Sexting, and no evidence of a PA. I caught it early on and am dealing with it. It has been hurtful. However, if she told me she gave some OM Oral...especially when she hasn't given me Oral in a very, very long time....It would be OVER! ...and I have a 5 year old kid. 

...Don't believe her man...She admitted to giving oral....which is cheating...SHE SUCKED HIS D***!!!! ...and you truly don't believe he did anything with her V???? Oh Hell no. 

You need to get mad dude! ...Time to move on...Depression is not an excuse to go blow some other guy....Especially if you say she has a low sex drive, and especially if it's a guy old enough to ber her Dad....gross....Wow. 

If you don't have kids...MOVE ON! I you do have kids together...REALY REALLY THINK about what you want to do. ...If you do stay together...demand she see a marriage counselor on HER DIME. You will go with her to MC as well. 

Whatever you do...Don't trust her!


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Hockey44,

The wife does not know. Do not believe a word your wife says. She is in fog city.

You made the mistake of telling your wife you were going to expose, and she used the standard response that she already knows hoping you do not call her bluff.

I was told the same exact thing. By giving your wife a heads up, you are also giving the OM a chance to strategize and intercept. 

It would be best to get written proof or a recording (your wife admitting to) of the affair and personally show it to the other man's wife. Then get ready to pick up the scraps of what is left of your wife as she will get thrown under a bus.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Hockey44 said:


> I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, but I want to see if we can work it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See if you can work what out? She wasn't leaving you, just hooking up with another guy behind your back because she doesn't respect you or the marriage. What she did is grounds for a divorce, don't minimize this.

Don't let your bruised ego drive your motivation. You now have a cheating wife, is that what you want?

She needs to be scared to death that you are going to divorce her. If she knows you are desperate to R you will be basically condoning her affair. There has to be consequences or else:

She'll do it again (or start this one up again)

You'll hate yourself for letting her emasculate you.

She needs to prove to you that she is worth keeping as a wife now that she is "damaged goods".


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

she was brazen and disrespectful enough to you to bring this man to YOUR HOUSE and you honestly believe she has not been banging this guy the entire time ?!?! REALLY ????

Some guy in his 50's isn't showing up at another man's house just for a BJ !

Sounds like you don't have kids, she has depression issues on top of her being a cheater.

Get STD tested, file for D, and move on down the road from this one my friend !


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So have you exposed her affair to her family and to yours?

Have her and you call the OM's wife and tell her what happened.

Has she gone NC with the OM?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Seeing the difference in their ages,I'm curious as to whether or not the OM is in a position of authority over her at work.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

Do you really think that they've been seeing each other secretly for 2-3 months (and that's what she admitted, it's probably longer than that) just to talk about the weather? Adults don't meet in secret just to play around, they do it to have sex...
As you didn't mention it, I guess there are no kids involved and to be frank... if it was me I would be divorcing her faster than you can say "cheat". She's been strayin' with a guy double her age not even two years into your marriage, for chrissake... What do you think she will do when your marriage will be 10 or 15 years old?
Anyway, if you really want to give her another chance (even if I don't understand why you would):
- test her and yourself for STD (you should test anyway)
- contact the OMW, if she knows nothing will happen, if she doesn't, well, you'll know she lied about it.
- have her quit her job immediately
- NC with OM
- complete transparency on phone, PC and any device she may use.
- IC for her, and, eventually, MC.
- Ask her one last time to come clean about everything that's happened stating clearly that if you catch her lying, it's over.
- Try to verify anything you can
- Consult a lawyer so you are prepared in case of D


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Luvmyjava said:


> Dude, take my advice... There's NOTHING to work out. *She cheated, and will either continue with this dude, or cheat again.*
> *Prepare yourself.. you're in for a LONG ride through hell.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> I don't think you'll EVER have a moment's peace again.  You'll always be wondering if she's still seeing him (or moved on to someone else.) You'll always, in your mind, be seeing your wife with another man's penis shoved in her mouth. And she might not have had intercourse with this slimy POS ( *and then again, she might have*. Can you believe what she's saying), but oral is still "having sex." She's betrayed you in the worst possible way, man, and she'll do it again and again. You will never, ever be able to trust her or believe a thing she says. You're still young! Get out there and find someone who WILL be loving and faithful to you. Get rid of this cheater before any more time passes.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

If a woman was willing to suck your d!ck would you let it end there or would you get her to f*uck you too? 

They had sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

why so long to get married and she cheats in the first two years??? 

not only is she being dishonest with you

she is dishonest with herself, which will make your road VERY VERY difficult.

The first word that came to my mind reading about her was "denial about her mental health and what she wants out of life" She's got to get real with herself...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hockey44 said:


> She's battled depression and anxiety for her entire life. She says (and has said before) that she never been satisfied with her life and that she's never been truly happy, even as a child. We've been together for 10 years, married almost 2, and I know she does have a lot of problems with depression and anxiety. She finally decided to seek help soon after we got married but didn't like the counselor she was seeing so she stopped going but she has been on antidepressants since then. She says that she's in love with me and that she doesn't know why she did what she did. I told her that she must not be totally happy with our relationship and she keeps saying that it has nothing to do with us and that she wouldn't change anything about us. She thinks she did it because she's always looking for an escape and that she was looking to fill a void. I've never suffered from depression so it's hard for me to understand how she can be happy with us, but unhappy with her life, and basically ruin our relationship to fill a void. She's seeking help again and going to see a therapist and she really wants to get herself some help. The guy she had been seeing apparently told his wife and my wife says that they both mutually agreed that it needed to stop. It makes me wonder if this would have ended had he not told his wife.
> 
> If someone would have asked me 2 months ago, I would have said we have an amazing marriage. There are tough times for her because of her depression, but for the most part, she seems to be better when she's with me. We get along great, rarely ever fight, and we have sex at least twice a week. She's never had a high sex drive and she's not overly affectionate. I do have a high sex drive and I'm very affectionate so that has caused some minor issues, but nothing major. This is what confuses me the most. She's never had a high sex drive, yet she's seeking to fulfill that somewhere else. She's drop dead gorgeous, and I consider myself average looking I guess, so the thing that really confuses me is why with such an older man? I've always felt that I outkicked my coverage because of how beautiful she is, so I assumed if she were to ever do this it would be with a guy she found more attractive than me. I've told her I'm giving her another chance because she insists she loves me and want to be with me. She's seeking help and we're also looking into marriage counseling. Her sister, who I'm very close with, is the only person that knows about what happened and from talking to her, she seems to think my wife does love me and really wants to work it out and does regret what happened.


There are people here who have been raped, abused, molested, had bad childhoods, are in sexless marriages, have anger issues, are alcoholics, did drugs, are Bipolar and on and on and on who never cheated. 

Oh yes, there are people who have clinical depression as well who are faithful. If you want to reconcile that is fine, but don't build up, defend or accept her excuses. Everything you type above is not a reason to cheat.

Depression is an illness, cheating is a choice.


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

This is gong to be A LOT of heart ache, and Mental Anguish on your part. If you and her do not have kids right now...then DROP HER, and move on. Find someone worth wile who will respect you. 

Tell your terrible wife she needs help. She should go get it, and you are filing for divroce...It's over. 

The only reason to MAYBE work all of this out is if you already have a child with her. Even that is debateable though. ....The mental picture of her slobbin' on some 50 something year old dude's penis AND ENJOYING it will haunt your mind and dreams....She's not worth it man! ....Not worth it! You deserve more!


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

if you could read her as well as you think you would have known 3 months ago that you didn't have an amazing marriage. 


she's lied to you and probably continues to.


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## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

Hockey44 said:


> I'm just really struggling to understand this. I'm scared that when things get better with us, that she will go back to what she was doing with him, if he allows it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry to hear this. First thing is to know many of us have been down this road. Ask yourself this, if you get stay together what will you feel if you call home and she doesn't answer? Its not fair to you or her to live like that. I agree with the earlier post, no guy comes over to talk. 

If he allows it, is besides the point, its her you have a problem with. I would get my attorney involved and send her packing.. just my $.02


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## z_man (Nov 1, 2013)

"I almost always know when she's not truthful and I could tell (at least I think) by the way she said it, that she was telling the truth."

Let me tell you a story.

My wife and I went on a 10 day vacation. Kids are with friends and family, we bankrolled over 2000 dollars for this trip.

Our first day there, things went south with the hotel (4 star, really 2 star) service, room, everything. My wife and I went to the front desk to see if we can straighten out the problems.

My wife (known her since high school, married over 20 years) started out on a slow roll until she was in tears, shaking, voice cracking, and getting louder and louder since the women at the front desk was not being very helpful.

At this point, I am like fvck, here we spent all this money, traveled all this way to relax, enjoy some fun in the sun and surf and one the very first day the whole trip is ruined.

My wife in a fit of frustration and disgust went into a tirade and then left the area around a corner out of sight. The women at the desk was visibly shaken and exclaimed how she did not want us to be so upset. I commented that "well I guess were are beyond that point." and left to find my wife.

I found her sitting around the corner wiping the tears from her eyes and cheeks. 

Me: "Are you alright?" 

Her: with a smile, "Oh yeah, I'm fine." 

By the time we got back to our room, we had an immediate upgrade to a suite, first night free, and complimentary dinner and drinks in the hotel restaurant.

Moral of the story: I was flabbergasted that the women I knew and thought I had seen everything from her, had completely snowed me.


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## itom72 (Apr 12, 2012)

Hockey, be sure to read z_man's post more than once.

You never REALLY know what your woman is capable of until you've seen or heard her do it. Therefore, simply assume from the outset that she's capable of anything, so as to put yourself in the best possible position to succeed.

Does your wife love attention from others? Does she have "daddy issues"? I ask the second question because of the difference between her and her affair partner. And yes, to echo everyone else here, they've gone all the way, more times than they've cared to count, or you care to know.

My advice is to cut your losses. Divorce and walk away.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Did you ask her to define "some things"? Sorry, vagueness drives me up a wall during marriage issues. You are scared and now you will grasp at anything which will make her not cross your moral line.

Sorry, "some things" is bad enough to warrant no contact, Marriage counseling, job loss/transfer and new boundaries. I don't care if it was a cheek peck and mild flirting. Her vagueness and reluctance to tell you is troubling.

Oops. I missed the "oral" part. 

I had an ex-gf that felt oral wasn't cheating. Notice the "ex" part?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I bet they had PIV sex. You need to find out who this is contact HR ,especially if its a supervisor, get his butt fired make her file sex harrasment on him or she is dismissed!, contact the man's wife, polygraph and file for divorce. I bet she met you at the door with a nice sloppy kiss when you got home, right after OM left.....just think about that! Blow this up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Man Im so sorry youre here. I will be blount. He was filling her void alright. Probably all 3 of them. If you dont have kids run as fast as you can. You cannot fix her. Your just setting yourself up for more heart break. I hate you have to go thru this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Hockey44 said:


> ... caught my wife in a lie ...after denying for a while...She said it was a one time thing...then just a week ago....this same guy quickly running out the back door of my house....She finally admitted that she had been seeing him for 2-3 months.....She's admitted that they've done some things but she's adamant that they did not have sex, which I think I believe. I have a good read on her....


Ya.

Right.

Grown ups don't just "make-out" and have oral for months...they've having sex, in your house, and you are in the fog.

You can't believe a word she says. She's a confirmed liar, cheater, trickle-truther and she can't be trusted.

There is absolutely nothing to save here right now, so you are wasting your time. Unless you know for sure that it's over (which you don't because you trust her and she continues to lie to you), and unless you confirm his wife knows FOR SURE, you are just wasting you time thinking that you can fix this.

A marriage going through infidelity takes 2 people to save it...right now you still have a 3rd person in your marriage, so it's doomed. You can't wish it better, or fix it on your own...she has to be on board.

She's making plenty of excuses for her behavior, but don't be so quick to sweep it under the rug. She needs to get help if she needs it. YOU need to get checked for STD's.

Honestly man, you gotta wake up real quick. She's feeding you pure bullchit.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Some cheaters forego sexual intercourse in favor of oral sex out of consideration for birth control and disease prevention.

"Darn, forgot the condoms again, we'll have to restrict ourselves to oral again," said the thoughtful OM. "Won't forget again, I promise."


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Hockey44 said:


> I know his wife knows. I've told my wife I was going to contact her on Facebook and she had no problem with me doing that. Should I really not believe they didn't have sex? She admits to giving him oral, but is adamant that they didn't have sex. Like I said, I can usually see through her lies and I felt like she was telling the truth. I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, but I want to see if we can work it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Talk to the wife DIRECTLY.

Just oral huh? Is he an automatic pilot?

Does it really matter what orifice he stuck it in???

You name it they did it.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Hockey, you alluded to your wife being beautiful. Now, I don't know you or your wife. But could it be, possibly, that you're holding on to something that isn't there, and that you're willing to forgive something so egregious, simply because she's very attractive? Sincere question.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Hockey44 said:


> She finally admitted that she had been seeing him for 2-3 months. He would come over after work with her because she knew I get home about and hour or so after her...She admits to giving him oral.
> 
> We have sex at least twice a week. She's never had a high sex drive and she's not overly affectionate. I do have a high sex drive ]


The good news is that she’s no longer giving the OM a BJ right before you come home from work. Now she has time to make you a sandwich. Tell her that because you are her husband you not only deserve a BJ every day like the OM but also a sandwich and a beer. 

Even better, that won’t get her pregnant. NEVER have kids with her.

Did she kiss you when you got home from work?

****The only thing the OM may have told his wife is: "Some crazy man thinks I'm having an affair with his wife."****


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, but I want to see if we can work it out."

I understand this, BUT I would warn you that rushing to put this behind you and 'fix' the M before you know the true extent of her betrayal, and have ensured the A is exposed to OMW will prove to be a losing formula for you.

Expose the A to OMW, both your families, and all of your friends.

Schedule a polygraph...tell her that if she fails in any part about the extent of this A or what she has done, you will file for D immediately.

If she has anything to confess, she better get it done BEFORE she fails that poly.

Tell her you will not live with a WW who continues to lie to you.

Since you want to R, I think you should expose them at work as well and tell her to find a new job.

She HAS to see that she is truly about to lose everything in her life if she doesn't immediately start doing the things you need to heal from this. 

And the exposure will ensure that everyone will know why the M failed if she doesn't shape-up.


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

Hockey44 said:


> I know his wife knows. I've told my wife I was going to contact her on Facebook and she had no problem with me doing that. Should I really not believe they didn't have sex? She admits to giving him oral, but is adamant that they didn't have sex. Like I said, I can usually see through her lies and I felt like she was telling the truth. I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, but I want to see if we can work it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Besides oral being sex too, I think a blowjob is actually worse than having intercourse. Think about it... she had another man's willy in her mouth that she uses to kiss you.

I would start question why she felt the need to engage in these activities with a man twice her age who is probably close in age with her father. You mentioned she has been depressed all her life. It could be she has some unresolved daddy issues from childhood hence the twice her age OM. I assume you are same/similar age with your wife?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> Besides oral being sex too, I think a blowjob is actually worse than having intercourse.


Yes I think so too.

More along the lines of her being submissive to some other guy and taking his load in her mouth.

Seems worse than VJ sex. 

At any rate it's definitely no better.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

it is kind of obvious that something more than a BJ happened. It might have been PIV, maybe bondage (especially if he is her supervisor)...you do not know what it is. But if you are considering R, you need to find out.

Do what they said here. The threat of the polygraph may do the trick. Also you should snoop on her phone and computer for texts, maybe of other additional men. There are threads here that show u how _without her knowing you are doing it._

You need to know the whole truth, so that you can tell if she did cut it off and is now telling you the truth.

And is she remorseful? Is she willing to give you everything and anything you ask for? That is your right at this point.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm assuming orals not a deal breaker for you???


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Hockey44 said:


> I know his wife knows. I've told my wife I was going to contact her on Facebook and she had no problem with me doing that. Should I really not believe they didn't have sex? She admits to giving him oral, but is adamant that they didn't have sex. Like I said, I can usually see through her lies and I felt like she was telling the truth. I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, but I want to see if we can work it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please help me understand the thinking that oral sex is not having sex?


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

If there is one thing I learned from TAM out is that you a) must be in control, and b) act decisively. Figure out the plan and implement it step by step. And there is no shortage of info here on what this should be. Whatever you decide - reconcile, divorce, etc.the decision is yours and only yours now. You are way past the point of doubt, worry, etc. 

P.S.
1) I'm old school, but in my book oral is more intimate than 'classic' intercourse, it makes things worse IMHO.
2) I get your wife is beautiful, but is beauty enough for the marriage? Other ingredients like commitment, loyalty, respect come to mind... Are you getting that? Without being rude, you can get a stunning escort, all pleasures, no fuss. Is that enough for you? Yes, the escort has probably slept with another man a short while ago... So did your wife, didn't she?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Three months, meeting up at his house and in your home and they haven't had sex yet.:scratchhead::banghead:

I think you need to have her take a polygraph and Mr Lothario Q. Cheatindude needs to be on CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know. Soon. *Real* soon.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Please help me understand the thinking that oral sex is not having sex?"

There is no understanding it because it is completely illogical.

I have only met 3 people who ever made this claim to me (all women btw) and every time I heard it, all I could do was think that this person has a screw loose.

Each time I actually responded with the following:

"How can it not be sex?...you know d**n well that if you were married and your husband found out you gave another guy a BJ he's not gonna say 'its OK, at least you didn't have sex with him'. He's gonna look at you as a cheating w***e."


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm getting that spidey sense about this one.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

How often does she give you a BJ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> I'm getting that spidey sense about this one.


Of course you are. That's because it's on the web.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hockey44, here's what you do:

Find the phone # of the POSOM's wife.

Then one day, sit your W down and ask her if she is willing to do anything, and you mean ANYTHING, to save your marriage. Of course, she'll say yes.

Then you say "Good...because the phone conversation that you are about to have will determine the future of our marriage...if any."

Call the POSOM's W, (make sure that it is her on the line), and tell her that you have some very important info about her H, info that may have serious legal and economic repercussions later. Tell her to stay on the line, then look at your W and tell her:

"I'm going to hand the phone to you, and you are going to confess everything to her. You are going to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your actions. You are going to beg for her forgiveness. I am going to quietly put this on speaker phone, and you WILL NOT tell her that I am listening." 

"If you try to walk out of the room and refuse to talk to her, telling me that you're not ready, I will divorce you. If you try to give her the same excuses about being drunk and lie to her about how many times you were together, I will divorce you. If you try to blame me for this or tell her that I'm forcing you to do this, I will divorce you. You will NOT attempt to talk to him. If you try to talk to him, even just to say goodbye one last time, I will divorce you. If he tries to take the phone from her and talk to you, you will hand the phone over to me IMMEDIATELY. If you let him say ONE WORD to you, I will divorce you."

Make sure that the POSOM's W is still there and hand the phone over to her, telling her that she has one, and ONLY ONE chance to do this right. 


You will then see how sincere and remorseful she really is.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Seeing each other for 2-3 months (*cough* 6 months at least!) and no PIV? Yeah, right.

Oral is sex, by the way. That's why it's called *oral sex.* As if that isn't bad enough anyway...

Didn't see any mention of children; if there aren't any, kick your WW to the curb and move on. If there are, kick your WW to the curb and move on.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sniff sniff...

Sniff sniff....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Sniff sniff...
> 
> Sniff sniff....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's it smell like?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thound said:


> What's it smell like?


Eh not passing the smell test?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in big time denial. For the past few months she has been bringing her boyfriend TO YOUR HOME AND IN YOUR BED before you got home. How can this not be a deal breaker for you? She has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Sniff sniff...
> 
> Sniff sniff....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Somebody needs to get their sense of smell checked, because the "odor" you think you detect is

*:LEGITIMACY :*
You think OP is the only spouse to ever have his bombshell wife step out on him for an old guy? Well, you are WRONG, mister!

How do you think those 3 guys Anna Nicole Smith was dating felt when she went and married that octogenarian billionaire?

And I know that happened 'cause it was in the Enquirer. Besides, it was only oral, not real sex. OP is right to be kind-of concerned but not terribly upset. That way everyone on TAM can get upset on his behalf.

:nono:


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Hockey44 said:


> I know his wife knows. I've told my wife I was going to contact her on Facebook and she had no problem with me doing that. Should I really not believe they didn't have sex? She admits to giving him oral, but is adamant that they didn't have sex. Like I said, I can usually see through her lies and I felt like she was telling the truth. I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, but I want to see if we can work it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So she would come home an hour before you, give this guy oral then give you a big kiss when you come home.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thound said:


> What's it smell like?


Something big and hairy and ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jim123 said:


> So she would come home an hour before you, give this guy oral then give you a big kiss when you come home.


:wtf::slap::slap::slap:


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

MMSLP should be required reading...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jim123 said:


> So she would come home an hour before you, give this guy oral then give you a big kiss when you come home.


Dude...


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

jim123 said:


> So she would come home an hour before you, give this guy oral then give you a big kiss when you come home.





. 



Oh my...

If I found out my wife gave another man oral and kissed me the same day...I would most certainly puke on her...It would take all my might not to hit her, and I would most certainly divorce her. BJs are sacred once you are married...If she willingly agreed to give another man a BJ, it's just the ultimate form of disrespect to you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

stop giving your wife all these excuses---she may be depressed---but so are half the people on the planet for various reasons

If you are bound and determine to stay-------4 things get done

wife signs a post--nup----wife goes to IC------wife takes a poly----------wife quits her job

the worse part of what is going on---is you are not dealing with this in a harsh manner----her lover comes out of the back door of your house----and just exactly what was done about it-----she has been with him for at least 2 to 3 months so she says---and what was done about it

Where are the consequences for her actions---where is her accountability

If you do not take this seriously---and deal with it harshly---she will know she can cheat and get away with it, in the future, as you did basically nothing this time

as to the comparison of her looks to yours do not sell yourself short---beauty is ONLY SKIN DEEP


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Hockey44 said:


> I know his wife knows. I've told my wife I was going to contact her on Facebook and she had no problem with me doing that. Should I really not believe they didn't have sex? She admits to giving him oral, but is adamant that they didn't have sex. Like I said, I can usually see through her lies and I felt like she was telling the truth. I understand that I should be pissed, and I am, but I want to see if we can work it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1. Many, many, many are the husbands saying exactly the same like you do, in exactly the same unrolling situations. Read your portion of threads here to get informed. You cannot believe anything she says. It is not said to be certain that all she sais is a lie, but you have to reckon with anything being a lie.

2. :banghead: I cannot understand why oral would not be considered having sex. I know it's the habit among many younger, but I think it is unbelievable ignorant. 
Anyway, oral is much valuated by men, even more than 'sex'. So that is not diminishing anything.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Oral is apart of sexual acts, therefore it's sex. That being said, you caught her at home, not good, dirt bag runs out the back, like the rat he is and she tells you what? Nothing happened. This screams guilt. If nothing was going on, he would have stayed. You are being played for a fool. Plain and simple. Now you know the truth, because she showed her cards. The question is now that you know, what are you going to do about it? For me a total lack of respect when the ws, brings it to the house. She does not care about you. If she did, that would have not transpired. If I were you, I would start to wrap this so called marriage up and start divorce proceedings. There is too much damage, to fix. If I can drop a two decade marriage for lack of respect and love in eight months, you can as well. There is nothing left to miss. Keep telling yourself this, she did this to us, I'm still a good person and I always will be. Move on man, oral to a 50, disgusting, old enough to be her dad, yuck. Of course this is all IMHO, good luck. BTW, get rid of the couch and bed, because that's where they did the deed. Good luck this is the s****!


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