# Friends dont understand and aren't supportive



## MindOverMatter2022 (5 mo ago)

I'm a few months into my divorce, we are still living together as it's a law here that if someone dosen't want to leave the marital residence they don't have to. Anyway, it's been hell on earth for me. Every day I put on a brave face in front of the kids and don't talk about what a royal ass their dad is being to me. 

However this situation is taking a toll on me, with friends I would like to vent and talk about how challenging he is making it. But they say "that it's private" and only my business. I think it's because many of them want to still continue to be friends with him. Only because their husbands are and many women still default to what the husband wants. It's an awfully lonely feeling. I feel like I've been abandoned and that every day I do the hard work of managing a house and raising a family while he is "winning" all of my friends on top of everything else that is happening with the lawyers. These woman make me feel like I'm good enough to car pool their kids around but not enough that I'm the one being invited on nights out and the fun parts of having a family etc. 

I've just joined a virtual support group and it did help to know that others out there have similar experiences with ass ex's. But in my real lift, I don't know where to turn to find love or support. I wish I had a real shoulder to cry on sometimes and anyone that would just "show up" for me! Somehow every day feels harder and more isolating then the day before it. Of course I realize that someone who hasn't been through it can't realize how stupid or insensitive their comments are, Or why I am so devistated when he is still hanging out with the friend group and I am not. Afterall I am human and it hurts, so so much.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So these "friends" that don't want to hear you out or be sounding boards but are fine to use you to cart their kids around?
Yeah THOSE are not friends. They DO want to still hang out with your STBXH, so they have already chosen.
They invite him but not you?? BS.
STOP taking their kids places, etc.. Start minimizing interactions with them -- they are not friends. They are users and acquaintances, nothing more. 

Try going to meetup.com - it is NOT a dating site -- it's a place where you can find meets for like-minded people. Maybe you like hiking -- there are hiking groups, or pretty much any other type of activity you'd like. It's a way to meet new people and helps you focus on YOUR life, not his.

Really sorry that they are acting like this, but you don't need fair-weather friends in your life. 
Do you have family to talk with?


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MindOverMatter2022 said:


> I'm a few months into my divorce, we are still living together as it's a law here that if someone dosen't want to leave the marital residence they don't have to. Anyway, it's been hell on earth for me. Every day I put on a brave face in front of the kids and don't talk about what a royal ass their dad is being to me.
> 
> However this situation is taking a toll on me, with friends I would like to vent and talk about how challenging he is making it. But they say "that it's private" and only my business. I think it's because many of them want to still continue to be friends with him. Only because their husbands are and many women still default to what the husband wants. It's an awfully lonely feeling. I feel like I've been abandoned and that every day I do the hard work of managing a house and raising a family while he is "winning" all of my friends on top of everything else that is happening with the lawyers. These woman make me feel like I'm good enough to car pool their kids around but not enough that I'm the one being invited on nights out and the fun parts of having a family etc.
> 
> I've just joined a virtual support group and it did help to know that others out there have similar experiences with ass ex's. But in my real lift, I don't know where to turn to find love or support. I wish I had a real shoulder to cry on sometimes and anyone that would just "show up" for me! Somehow every day feels harder and more isolating then the day before it. Of course I realize that someone who hasn't been through it can't realize how stupid or insensitive their comments are, Or why I am so devistated when he is still hanging out with the friend group and I am not. Afterall I am human and it hurts, so so much.


Welcome to TAM @MindOverMatter2022
I'm sorry you are here with this situation in your life.

All that you described sounds exactly normal to me. Divorce sucks and even under the best conditions it's a really terrible thing.

It seems to me like a good step for you to consider is getting out of the house and away from him. Can you do that? You'd have to talk to your lawyer about that and also get child custody/visits worked out and documented, but the time away from him and setting up your new life is a really good step for you.

Next you should start making some new friends, new people who can support you. Stop counting on the people who are clearly not your real friends. Do you have parents nearby? Do you attend church? Get involved with some volunteer activities to help change up your friend groups.

Best of luck to you. I'm afraid it gets worse before it gets better, so start taking those steps now! When you're walking through hell, don't stop!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

At what point in the divorce will you be able to live apart? Is the house to be sold?


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

On one hand a good friend wouldn’t make them choose. You’re probably that friend and it’s admirable. But I would not stick my neck out to tote their children around even if you are headed that way. Not saying be petty but at some point you’ll have to pull that plug anyhow it sounds like so why wait?

In the end you’ll be thee better for it keeping your mouth shut about your husband and how he’s acting but it’s a hard pill to swallow. You’ll make it through.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I lost all but one of my local friends we had as a couple, over time, after the divorce. If their husbands are friends with your ex, they want to protect that. They are "couple friends" and not your own friends. 

In time you will make new friends who are YOUR friends, and not merely friends of the couple that you were. And those friends will not be conditional upon your being married to a certain person or not. 

Stop doing more than you should for these conditional friends.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Best to find one or two true friends and confide and get support only from them. Try not to overwhelm them. If they’re your true friend, your pain will be theirs. 
This forum is an excellent way to get support because it’s anonymous. 
Im surprised none of your “friends “ will listen. As said, they aren’t your friends, they’re his.

What are the circumstances of this divorce? Any infidelity?

Last of all, I hope you have a good attorney, don’t use his. Do not leave the home. Your attorney will probably tell you that as well.

Divorce is incredibly hurtful and you probably see no end to the pain. There is. Sadly it takes far too long to see it lessening.
Try to hang in there as best you can. Exercising helped me a lot.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

I can see you're really alone and you need support. These people you mention aren't your friends clearly. You have to get your own set of friends. 
The people you socialised with previously chose him over you. Fair enough. It is their choice.
You should accept it and also understand that they won't be good support to you in the future anyway. 

Don't be sad or disappointed. It happens when you share friends with your spouse after seperation.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MindOverMatter2022 said:


> I'm a few months into my divorce, we are still living together as it's a law here that if someone dosen't want to leave the marital residence they don't have to. Anyway, it's been hell on earth for me. Every day I put on a brave face in front of the kids and don't talk about what a royal ass their dad is being to me.
> 
> However this situation is taking a toll on me, with friends I would like to vent and talk about how challenging he is making it. But they say "that it's private" and only my business. I think it's because many of them want to still continue to be friends with him. Only because their husbands are and many women still default to what the husband wants. It's an awfully lonely feeling. I feel like I've been abandoned and that every day I do the hard work of managing a house and raising a family while he is "winning" all of my friends on top of everything else that is happening with the lawyers. These woman make me feel like I'm good enough to car pool their kids around but not enough that I'm the one being invited on nights out and the fun parts of having a family etc.
> 
> I've just joined a virtual support group and it did help to know that others out there have similar experiences with ass ex's. But in my real lift, I don't know where to turn to find love or support. I wish I had a real shoulder to cry on sometimes and anyone that would just "show up" for me! Somehow every day feels harder and more isolating then the day before it. Of course I realize that someone who hasn't been through it can't realize how stupid or insensitive their comments are, Or why I am so devistated when he is still hanging out with the friend group and I am not. Afterall I am human and it hurts, so so much.


I'm sorry you have a fickle friend group. Those are not your friends. I wouldn't even waste any more time on them. They're probably ready to swoop in and scoop him up as soon as you're out of the way like a pack of vultures.

You will find people to support you here and on your support group but I know you need to find yourself a real friend in real life. Keep your eye open for someone who's been friendly to you at work or elsewhere that you haven't especially had interest for.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, I'm really sorry that you find yourself in such a tedious situation both at home and with your friends.

Question for you: if you aren't super comfortable living with your STBXH (which is understandable), then why don't you and the kids move out?

So, these people that you call your friends don't support you through the trying times and aren't there for you, and don't invite you out, but you car pool their kids around? If it were me, I would put a stop to that car pooling, pronto. They are using you, and they aren't real friends. True blue friends take the bad with the good, celebrate with you and console you. I would try to find new friends!

Good for you for joining a virtual support group, as well as TAM! Keep reaching out here, and you will soon find yourself in the middle of a really good, strong community of people. There are always a few who like the drama and a good arguement, but you'll find your way here. 

Are you involved in any activities, things at your kid's school, etc., that would enable you to meet people? Being a parent would be time consuming, but would you be able to find an hour or 2 of time a week to start exploring an interest? Go to the gym? If you pursue something that interests you, at least you know that you'll be meeting like-minded people.

Much luck, and keep posting!


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Try going to meetup.com - it is NOT a dating site -- it's a place where you can find meets for like-minded people. Maybe you like hiking -- there are hiking groups, or pretty much any other type of activity you'd like. It's a way to meet new people and helps you focus on YOUR life, not his.


Oh Meetup, I forgot about this site! Yes, it's a _fantastic_ way to meet people with similar interests!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Those people are using you. Cut them out.


----------



## MindOverMatter2022 (5 mo ago)

Thank you all for your perspectives. It's been a hard time and you hit the nail on the head very lonely! We moved across country about 4 years ago to a tough that (we didn't know at the time) is very snobby and into country clubs. That's not me or him. Finding more normal people who experience life similarly has been WAY harder than it should be plus I'm probably a bit of a wallflower anyway. I am going to have to branch out with meetup and other ways to find some people with at least common interests. During one of the last conversations I had with one of these women I thought of the saying "when someone shows you their true colors believe them." 

He told me months ago that his attorney had advised him to continue to force us all to live here because the more miserable I am, the more likely I'll be to take a ****ty settlement just to get it over with. In all honesty I probably would have stopped all of this bleeding a long time ago if he didn't confess that. I just can't imagine it getting that much worse! Famous last words. :-/


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MindOverMatter2022 said:


> However this situation is taking a toll on me, with friends I would like to vent and talk about how challenging he is making it. But they say "that it's private" and only my business. I think it's because many of them want to still continue to be friends with him. Only because their husbands are and many women still default to what the husband wants. It's an awfully lonely feeling. I feel like I've been abandoned and that every day I do the hard work of managing a house and raising a family while he is "winning" all of my friends on top of everything else that is happening with the lawyers. These woman make me feel like I'm good enough to car pool their kids around but not enough that I'm the one being invited on nights out and the fun parts of having a family etc.


Nope, they're not your friends. Cut them loose and stop ferrying their damn kids around, they can do it themselves.


----------



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

MindOverMatter2022 said:


> Thank you all for your perspectives. It's been a hard time and you hit the nail on the head very lonely! We moved across country about 4 years ago to a tough that (we didn't know at the time) is very snobby and into country clubs. That's not me or him. Finding more normal people who experience life similarly has been WAY harder than it should be plus I'm probably a bit of a wallflower anyway. I am going to have to branch out with meetup and other ways to find some people with at least common interests. During one of the last conversations I had with one of these women I thought of the saying "when someone shows you their true colors believe them."
> 
> He told me months ago that his attorney had advised him to continue to force us all to live here because the more miserable I am, the more likely I'll be to take a ****ty settlement just to get it over with. In all honesty I probably would have stopped all of this bleeding a long time ago if he didn't confess that. I just can't imagine it getting that much worse! Famous last words. :-/


Wow, at least he was dumb enough to reveal that.
Girl, you need new friends. These people using you for free carpooling of their kids while wanting to retain ties with your ex say a LOT. They are NOT friends, just users. No wonder they still get along with your ex. Basically cut from the same cloth.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Another thing to help YOU with the BS he is pulling around the house.
Do the 180 with him. It will help YOU detach from your H.
180 for Betrayed Spouses


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

MindOverMatter2022 said:


> I'm a few months into my divorce, we are still living together as it's a law here that if someone dosen't want to leave the marital residence they don't have to. Anyway, it's been hell on earth for me. Every day I put on a brave face in front of the kids and don't talk about what a royal ass their dad is being to me.
> 
> However this situation is taking a toll on me, with friends I would like to vent and talk about how challenging he is making it. But they say "that it's private" and only my business. I think it's because many of them want to still continue to be friends with him. Only because their husbands are and many women still default to what the husband wants. It's an awfully lonely feeling. I feel like I've been abandoned and that every day I do the hard work of managing a house and raising a family while he is "winning" all of my friends on top of everything else that is happening with the lawyers. These woman make me feel like I'm good enough to car pool their kids around but not enough that I'm the one being invited on nights out and the fun parts of having a family etc.
> 
> I've just joined a virtual support group and it did help to know that others out there have similar experiences with ass ex's. But in my real lift, I don't know where to turn to find love or support. I wish I had a real shoulder to cry on sometimes and anyone that would just "show up" for me! Somehow every day feels harder and more isolating then the day before it. Of course I realize that someone who hasn't been through it can't realize how stupid or insensitive their comments are, Or why I am so devistated when he is still hanging out with the friend group and I am not. Afterall I am human and it hurts, so so much.



can you truly call these people friends? i think not, they are more aquaintances then friends, bonded by common interest instead of depth of kindness....no i think your virtual group is a great start but might i add that you look to where you might explore hobbies or interest into friendship...if you are a runner join a running club...if you are into reading join a book club, join groups that might share your interests...remember...when someone shows you who they really are believe them...they showed you that you can not trust them.


----------

