# My wife has hardly any sex drive but doesn't seem to want to address it



## anotherversion (Apr 4, 2012)

From the reading of various forums/blogs etc over the last few days I know I am not alone in this...
Been with my wife for 10 years, married for 7. 2 kids aged 5 and 2.
Used to have a lot of sex before marriage and to be honest I think it started reducing dramatically even before children. Even our honeymoon was sexless. However, there have been plenty of times where things have been great. My wife in the past has been open to using toys and we've even had phone sex a few times so it wasn't always like it is now.
Nowadays it's probably rare for us to even have sex once a month. When I try and get her in the mood I end up feeling like some kind of sex starved pest and she tells me she wishes we could just sometimes kiss without me thinking it's leading somewhere. Problem is, we so rarely even kiss that when I do get a good snog I obviously get excited! 
I help loads (cos I now some people suggest the man needs to help more). With the kids I did pretty much all the night feeding, I work from home so I help bath and put the kids to bed every night, I cook for my wife and I all the time (literally), I do almost all of the food shopping, look after the money and honestly feel like I do all I can to make her feel loved. Oh, and I really DO love her loads.
It's getting tricky now, when we do get a chance to talk properly it always coincides with what is also a rare opportunity to try and encourage the right mood for sex so instead of ever raising it with her I focus on trying to have sex instead.

Really don't know what to do. Don't know whether to suggest she gets some help or whether she might find that really insulting and then lead to us having even less sex. I do know though that over the last 2 years I have thought more and more about having sex with other women (although never actually had an opportunity present itself) and I'm worried that if I did ever end up in a situation where I could cheat, I might not be ableto help myself.

Sorry for the long rant - this is the first time I've ever mentioned this to anybody.


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## heamicdan (Apr 4, 2012)

so i am not alone--i am here right now because my wife and i are alone and it is rare --i try to play but she makes it like i ama pain in the butt--i got frustrated again and came here---not sure what i am going to do but i will read--good luck to you


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Like you said, you aren't alone. My wife was a virgin before we were married and still we had a sexless honeymoon. I know where you're coming from.

Do you ever take her out alone on date nights?

You mentioned kissing, how often do you give her hugs/kisses in a day w/o it trying to lead anywhere? I like to take little moments now and then, taking her into my arms and holding her... just savoring the feeling of her next to me. Then I'll give her a kiss, smile and walk away. I know for me I still get butterflies at times doing just that.

When she wants to talk to me about anything, I like to hold her and often times caress her arm, small of her back, shoulder... whatever I just love gently touching her.

All those little moments really help her feel loved, they really add to the relationship. From what you posted sounds like she could use a few more little moments in her life.


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## anotherversion (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm affectionate. Put my hand on her leg, arm around her shoulders, give her a kiss several times a day, love to give her a big hug. Rarely does she initiate anything though and it's getting to the stage where if I show any affection I worry she'll just think I'm coming onto her!


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## anotherversion (Apr 4, 2012)

With two young kids so don't get to go out on dates hardly ever. Went to a hotel in October last year and had a great night of sex. However, our next trip to a hotel a few weeks ago....she was tired.


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## anotherversion (Apr 4, 2012)

Hey Heamicdan...do you mean you have a night to yourself with the wife and sadly no action so you've come to this site? I feel your pain...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

anotherversion said:


> I'm affectionate. Put my hand on her leg, arm around her shoulders, give her a kiss several times a day, love to give her a big hug. Rarely does she initiate anything though and it's getting to the stage where if I show any affection I worry she'll just think I'm coming onto her!


Oh my wife rarely initiates anything either. I've learned to accept that, that's just how she is.

When I hug her often times I feel like pepe le pew:









I know it's not that extreme, but often times I can tell her mind is already racing off to all the other things she wants to do. It can leave me feeling unwanted/unloved often times. I used to think though that she was trying to escape for fear that I'd be coming onto her, but I know now it's just how she is and I accept it (even though I wish it were different).

I've found that in our marriage I need to give us nights off from each other. My wife loves to read, and I like playing online games. So 3x a week I raid after the kids go to bed, and it typically ends after she's gone to sleep. We will still talk here and there and she'll stop by to say good night to me. Still those 3 nights help give her a break from my constantly wanting to have sex and it allows my mind to pass the time so I don't sit there thinking about how I'm not getting the sex I want. 

Now not saying go play some video game, but having some activity that gives her space and some time off might work for you two. She may be more responsive if she gets time to be herself and not feel overwhelmed by the difference in your libidos.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

anotherversion said:


> With two young kids so don't get to go out on dates hardly ever. Went to a hotel in October last year and had a great night of sex. However, our next trip to a hotel a few weeks ago....she was tired.


Sometimes we've had date nights like that... lol we would make it to a movie theater but have to wait. Next thing we know it's time to pickup the kids.

It's hard with little kids. Sometimes we do in house dates. After the kids go to bed, I'll have something prepared so we can have a little mini-date at home.

What do you two do together? My wife and I watch movies and tv shows on netflix often. We'll pause often (which I'm sure would drive others nuts), and talk about stuff. I tend to try and keep it in mind which nights I'm going to try and put on the moves and which nights I'll just know that's off the table (even when not gaming). If I push too often it just makes her feel overwhelmed and exhausted.


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## anotherversion (Apr 4, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherversion (Apr 4, 2012)

Loved your pepe le pew comment, made me laugh - so true! Feels funny talking about all this but it's helpful.
Guess I need to talk to her about it and find out what she is thinking. Can't believe I've ended up in a situation where sex is so scarce. Seem to have always had this problem with relationships (and I'm not freaky looking or anything by the way!). Do you think it could be possible I'm being too nice/helpful - would being a bit tougher, aloof, cool, meaner make her find me more attractive? Who knows. Would love to hear a woman's point of view on all this...
I understand what you mean by just accepting the situation and workking with it but it seems like a rubbish solution. The thought that for the rest of my life (I'm 35) I'm just going to have sex about 10 times a year seems very unfair!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I've tried, it depends on the woman. In my case I've gone literally months (~6) w/o sex or even trying to initiate. She never gained interest... in the end with my wife I've learned it's just not something she cares for.

We've talked things out, and once she learned just how important sex is to me (and really to men in general) she opened herself up to advances more often. I also learned about some things she wanted more of (more honey-do's, I thought I was doing enough, but wasn't in her eyes).

It's something we're still working on, we're going to start seeing a sex therapist starting this week. Hopefully good things come out of that.


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## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm a woman who has been married 30 years and my husband has not been interested in sex with me for most of those 30 years. By the time I was 35 we were having sex less than once a year. You do not want to live your life wondering what you can do to spark interest in your wife. It is damaging to your self-esteem and fruitless because you will likely never understand how to excite her. I know because I have tried everything to resolve this issue in my marriage. 

I don't know if this is a solution, but if I were 35 again this is what I would do. I would tell my husband that I understand he has lost his attraction to me. That I am open to doing anything to regain that attraction but I don't know what to do because everything I have tried hasn't worked. If he has any ideas, I'm very willing to try them. However if his desire for me doesn't increase, I'm not going to be able to continue to live with such an unsatisfying sex life. I would explain that I'm going to give us a little more time to resolve the issue. After which point, if I'm still not satisfied, I would give him the option of divorce or seeking sex outside the marriage. 

I'm 53 years old and very insecure about my ability at this point to attract another man. However I am giving serious thought to telling my husband that I want a divorce or an open marriage. Financially divorce would be hard. I make enough money to easily support myself, but he does not. He is also 15 years older than me. I don't know if my solution is the right one but believe me if I was again 35, knowing what I know now, I would not continue with the effort and hope I had that our sex life would change. Over the years he has been resistant to talk about it. We have gone as much as five years at a time without any sexual contact although we do still kiss and hug. Sex with me is not important to him but it is very important to me. The quality of my life has suffered because I married a man who cared so little for me that he wouldn't even talk to me about our lack of a sex life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherversion (Apr 4, 2012)

Hi Longtime,

Sorry to hear about your situation. It's rubbish eh?! I can see where you're coming from but what a dilema! I love her very much and would hate to think it would come to that and I guess I feel a little way off that yet.

Thanks for replying - it's funny, until I started talking on this site yesterday I thought that I was just being unreasonable but it's nice to hear that my expectations of a better sex life aren't selfish.

I think I need to speak to my wife about it all and, as you suggested, tell her I'm not happy with it but that I will do whatever she thinks might be necessary to help improve her drive. Then at least it's out in the open and I can see what the future brings.

Thanks again!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Try this -> Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Its me again, as posted on other threads I will add my same $.o2

I acted the same way while taking hormonal birth controls pills, it took being on them for awhile before it got that bad, but it did. It caused me to be depressed and indifferent to affection and sex or how it hurt my husband. 2 weeks after stopping pill I felt like I had just "woke up" from a fog. If I hadn't experienced it myself I probably would never believe it. 

If she is taking any kind of hormonal birth control please try condoms for while to see if this helps. Worth a shot right?

Now hubby has had a vesectomy and it has been 3 years, we still can't keep our hands off each other and average 5-6x per week. Thank god everyday I found out before it was too late for our marriage.

Good Luck


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Keep Reading........
There's plenty of us here!

My advice is deal with it NOW before you're too old (your options become fewer and fewer with the march of time)


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

When I saw this I thought about this forum...
3 Tips for Spicing Up Your Sexless Relationship | Cracked.com


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