# I hate being married



## Bensdad123 (Oct 6, 2012)

I truly hate being married. Its been 9 years and i think I've pretty much given up. My mind isn't in this anymore, I have no idea how to leave, I am always unhappy and angry. The boredom, the fights, the ups and downs, ive grown exhausted and literally fed up with the whole idea of us. Everyday I wake up a d think to myself i wish i was dead so i wouldn't have to go thru this anymore... 

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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

hey man

this may appeal to you or it might not.

ask yourself: what is being married really?

is it like your height or skin color? something you can't change?

is it like your weight? something you can change if you work at it?

or is it maybe nothing at all really-- just something completely made up that only has whatever meaning you give to it.

if it's the last thing (nothing), then ask yourself why you need to give it anything. 

in other words, how much of what you are feeling is due to your VOLUNTARILY submitting yourself to some arbitrary expectation?

what would happen if you just dropped the expectation that this relationship has to mean ANYTHING to you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK. We hear you.

Now.... please tell us what we are hearing?

Why do you hate being married?

Is it your spouse, or is it you?

Or is it 50/50?

Do you hate your spouse or just marriage in general?

Are there any children? 

Would counselling help?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sounds like it is time to get out.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Bensdad123 said:


> I truly hate being married. Its been 9 years and i think I've pretty much given up. My mind isn't in this anymore, I have no idea how to leave, I am always unhappy and angry. The boredom, the fights, the ups and downs, ive grown exhausted and literally fed up with the whole idea of us. Everyday I wake up a d think to myself i wish i was dead so i wouldn't have to go thru this anymore...
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


I'm sorry you are in this situation. 
You're in a depressed fog right now & can see no way out. 
Trust me life can be good and you can be happy. 
But you must make a decision first.
Do you want to leave or work on the marriage? 



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## Bensdad123 (Oct 6, 2012)

Why do I owe anyone any explanations on here? I hate being married, i have two children, and a wife!!! I made a bad choice by getting married and i wish I had the guts to leave. Its as simple as that!! I don't need to explain anything....ive done most of what any bored uninterested individual would do that they might think would help their marriage.....

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## Bensdad123 (Oct 6, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm sorry you are in this situation.
> You're in a depressed fog right now & can see no way out.
> Trust me life can be good and you can be happy.
> But you must make a decision first.
> ...


I don't want to be married anymore. I don't want to get re married, i don't want to be tied to anyone ...i just want to live alone and die alone...that's where in at today. 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Bensdad123 said:


> I don't want to be married anymore. I don't want to get re married, i don't want to be tied to anyone ...i just want to live alone and die alone...that's where in at today.
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


Are you being hurt or abused in your current marriage? 
You sound like you're desperate to escape something. 
You also sound like you're trapped. 
Can you get divorced or walk away? 

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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

you don't have to die to escape

you don't have to hurt your children to save yourself

take a step back and reflect on whether this is really an emergency

you can leave at any time

no one is forcing you to stay married

you have the ability to solve your problems

do not shift this burden you feel onto your children


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Then get a divorce. It's just as easy (or hard) as that.

But you sound depressed so it's a symptom that you do not even have the drive to leave. Get professional help and then proceed with how you want to live on.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

aren't the kids worth it?

i've known many a persons who's marriage failed; but they always say that in spite of everything they wouldn't trade having the kids.

one other thing. i know you're in a bad place. but have you ever tried to find a mindset that being married is a privilege and if your wife loves you you have found gold?

on the other hand, some people were just not meant to be married. if you are one of those and just made a bad mistake, then my condolences.

if you have to leave, then i hope you find the courage to leave with honor and part ways amicably.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Bensdad123 said:


> I don't want to be married anymore. I don't want to get re married, i don't want to be tied to anyone ...i just want to live alone and die alone...that's where in at today.
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk



You clealy know what you want. All that is left to be done is file, find a lawyer and do it. You'll be divorced in 3 months, no one can make you stay married if you don't want to be. You can even file the papers yourself in PA.


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## Bensdad123 (Oct 6, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> Are you being hurt or abused in your current marriage?
> You sound like you're desperate to escape something.
> You also sound like you're trapped.
> Can you get divorced or walk away?
> ...


My wife is a victim of sexual abuse (rape and molestation), which occurred before we got married, and she didn't tell me about it until 3 days before our wedding. At first I felt sad for her In the beginning of the marriage. Now all i feel is anger and hatred towards her. I started distancing myself about 1 year into the marriage when I realized that each of us really couldnt engage each other about our personal issues. We went to marriage counseling etc early on, that didn't help...After our first child she started talking to other men online (men who i used to be friends with and some i never met). There was also a step brother in prison (he would write to her from prison, he was in prison for drugs, robbery, ID theft, fraud etc., 3 time felon) ... apparently she liked talking to other men because i was not filling the emotional void for her...when the step brother got out of prison over 3 years ago she had an affair with him. My mind went south at that point (all the way south)...i went to personal counseling and we attended couples counseling... anyways I became totally oblivious to everything after a certain point, i just stopped caring stopped feeling anything, except depressed....i have been alone in my mind for years now...i had an affair myself 2 years ago (out of lonesomeness, depression etc) ...nothing has been right. We are just two people living together now and i hate it... 

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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

gtfo


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

well that changes everything. there is serious infidelity going on. leave.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Bensdad123 said:


> My wife is a victim of sexual abuse (rape and molestation), which occurred before we got married, and she didn't tell me about it until 3 days before our wedding. At first I felt sad for her In the beginning of the marriage. Now all i feel is anger and hatred towards her. I started distancing myself about 1 year into the marriage when I realized that each of us really couldnt engage each other about our personal issues. We went to marriage counseling etc early on, that didn't help...After our first child she started talking to other men online (men who i used to be friends with and some i never met). There was also a step brother in prison (he would write to her from prison, he was in prison for drugs, robbery, ID theft, fraud etc., 3 time felon) ... apparently she liked talking to other men because i was not filling the emotional void for her...when the step brother got out of prison over 3 years ago she had an affair with him. My mind went south at that point (all the way south)...i went to personal counseling and we attended couples counseling... anyways I became totally oblivious to everything after a certain point, i just stopped caring stopped feeling anything, except depressed....i have been alone in my mind for years now...i had an affair myself 2 years ago (out of lonesomeness, depression etc) ...nothing has been right. We are just two people living together now and i hate it...
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


Wow that's an awful lot you both have went through. 
If you don't see any positive outcome for this marriage why haven't you left already? 
Do you guys have children together? 

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bensdad123 said:


> *Why do I owe anyone any explanations on here?* I hate being married, i have two children, and a wife!!! I made a bad choice by getting married and i wish I had the guts to leave. Its as simple as that!! I don't need to explain anything....ive done most of what any bored uninterested individual would do that they might think would help their marriage.....
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


You seem to be mistaken. We do not think you owe us anything.

Some here might think you owe your wife and children something. Well, perhaps you do, perhaps you don't. That's for you to ponder about.

We are asking questions in order that we might establish how we can help you to help yourself.

It's my opinion that you sound depressed. Perhaps even clinically depressed.

Are you undergoing treatment for depression?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> well that changes everything. there is serious infidelity going on. leave.


Yeah. Sad. Sexual abusers do not, obviously, care about how their victims will cope down the line.

And many of them can't cope.


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## Bensdad123 (Oct 6, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> Wow that's an awful lot you both have went through.
> If you don't see any positive outcome for this marriage why haven't you left already?
> Do you guys have children together?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


You didn't read this did you ? 

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Bensdad123 said:


> You didn't read this did you ?
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


I'm sorry I didn't read your other posts. 
I've seen now that you have two children. 
You've been a whirlwind of emotions, why are you guys still together? 
The children will be better off with two separate happy parents than two miserable ones together. 
You need to leave for you own sanity & for the happiness of your children also. Children are very aware of their parents emotions & staying there for them will not make things better. 

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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Bensdad123 said:


> You didn't read this did you ?
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


You are being an ass to people who just want to listen/help. If you don't wan't someone else's point of view, don't post! 

My advise to anyone in your situation would be to man the f_ck up and leave your marriage. Take your kids with you if that's what's keeping you around.


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## Bensdad123 (Oct 6, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm sorry I didn't read your other posts.
> I've seen now that you have two children.
> You've been a whirlwind of emotions, why are you guys still together?
> The children will be better off with two separate happy parents than two miserable ones together.
> ...


It's alright no worries. I tend to get kinda flustered when I have to re explain things sometimes.... ...im assuming that she is still with me because it's comfortable for her ...i feel it's a lot to do with comfort as well (as far as why I stay too) ...i cant seem to bring myself to leave. I don't even want to live in Pennsylvania anymore...i honestly just want a whole new life and change of scenery...ive already thought to myself "if things are this bad now and i feel this way now, what will it look like in 5 years from now.....

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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
At this point you owe your W nothing however your children are another matter. They deserve better and if you were to find the right woman they, and you, could have better. Did I read correctly that your W had an A with a 3 time felon who also happens to be her step brother?? Her abuse may have permanently damaged her beyond repair. You must now act on your feelings and improve your and your children's life. Yours is a difficult path but many have survived worse and found happiness. I wish the same for you.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Bensdad123 said:


> It's alright no worries. I tend to get kinda flustered when I have to re explain things sometimes.... ...im assuming that she is still with me because it's comfortable for her ...i feel it's a lot to do with comfort as well (as far as why I stay too) ...i cant seem to bring myself to leave. I don't even want to live in Pennsylvania anymore...i honestly just want a whole new life and change of scenery...ive already thought to myself "if things are this bad now and i feel this way now, what will it look like in 5 years from now.....
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


If you honestly want a new life then you have to leave. 
Otherwise you'll be stuck in limbo forever. 
What's so comfortable that makes you stay? 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> At this point you owe your W nothing however your children are another matter. They deserve better and if you were to find the right woman they, and you, could have better. Did I read correctly that your W had an A with a 3 time felon who also happens to be her step brother?? Her abuse may have permanently damaged her beyond repair. You must now act on your feelings and improve your and your children's life. Yours is a difficult path but many have survived worse and found happiness. I wish the same for you.


I do not think she was having an affair with the three times felon who was her stepbrother? Just in contact with him as a sibling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bensdad123 said:


> It's alright no worries. I tend to get kinda flustered when I have to re explain things sometimes.... ...im assuming that she is still with me because it's comfortable for her ...i feel it's a lot to do with comfort as well (as far as why I stay too) ...i cant seem to bring myself to leave. I don't even want to live in Pennsylvania anymore...i honestly just want a whole new life and change of scenery...ive already thought to myself "if things are this bad now and i feel this way now, what will it look like in 5 years from now.....
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


Is it possible that she is with you because you are the father of her boys and that she loves you?


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## Bensdad123 (Oct 6, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> If you honestly want a new life then you have to leave.
> Otherwise you'll be stuck in limbo forever.
> What's so comfortable that makes you stay?
> 
> ...


That's a good question ....at this point I don't even know...i feel lost and confused to be honest...all I do is wake up everyday feeling miserable, it takes pretty much everything to get through each day. I just don't know how to feel good about my life etc. Most of the time i cant wait to go to work so i don't have to feel bothered ....

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bensdad123 said:


> That's a good question ....at this point I don't even know...i feel lost and confused to be honest...all I do is wake up everyday feeling miserable, it takes pretty much everything to get through each day. I just don't know how to feel good about my life etc. Most of the time i cant wait to go to work so i don't have to feel bothered ....
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


Are you getting treatment for your depression?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I do not think she was having an affair with the three times felon who was her stepbrother? Just in contact with him as a sibling.


"when the step brother got out of prison over 3 years ago she had an affair with him."

It kinda looks like she did.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Bensdad123 said:


> That's a good question ....at this point I don't even know...i feel lost and confused to be honest...all I do is wake up everyday feeling miserable, it takes pretty much everything to get through each day. I just don't know how to feel good about my life etc. Most of the time i cant wait to go to work so i don't have to feel bothered ....
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


You're procrastinating. A LOT! 

I think you & your wife have used cheating with others as an escape/runaway mechanism to avoid dealing with the real issues that trouble both of you. 

I'm surprised you're not already out there looking for the arms of another to comfort you, which will happen if you don't confront the issue that you have in fact got depression. 

If you don't get treatment you will be in a never ending cycle of the same emotions over and over again & start right back to where you are right now. 


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

you want to feel sorry for yourself.

it's OK to feel sad, but you can't let the sadness become you.

you are still in there somewhere. you feel comforted by your sadness because it absolves you of the need to do anything.

it is like a drug ultimately.

next time you start to feel the sadness wash over you, see it for what it is--- an emotion that is happening in your mind, but it is NOT your mind.

if you practice this consistently, you WILL get better at differentiating this emotion from the real you.

this feeling has overtaken you like a disease or an addiction.

do what you would do if you were hooked on a drug-- wean yourself off from relying on it to comfort you.

if you don't have the strength to do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

forget your wife-- she is a total side show. 

you are in control of yourself. start to act on that.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Can you at least make a plan to leave? Maybe write a list of reasons of why you THINK you can't leave and then next to each item write ways of resolving each issue. For example - I can't afford to a security deposit for an apartment > don't buy my daily/weekly coffee, cigarettes and save that money towards a security deposit. 

You are probably feeling overwhelmed. Take baby steps.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Bensdad123 said:


> That's a good question ....at this point I don't even know...i feel lost and confused to be honest...all I do is wake up everyday feeling miserable, it takes pretty much everything to get through each day. I just don't know how to feel good about my life etc. Most of the time i cant wait to go to work so i don't have to feel bothered ....
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


A few of thoughts on your situation:

*1.* You are obviously suffering from depression. Have you sought individual counseling for this? I'm not a fan of a lot of the drugs available, because I suffered from depression when I was younger, and several of the meds prescribed made me suicidal (personal bias, not everyone goes through that). They may be necessary at this point. Many people have luck with St. John's Wort, which can be bought over the counter as a supplement cheap.

*2. *Your Marriage... that is a train wreck. This is one of those situations where I wouldn't even recommend the slightest attempt at Reconciliation. Instead, stop investing in your M. Stop engaging with your Wife. If you still are seeing any other women, stop. Especially if you live in a jurisdiction where that can affect Divorce outcomes. (I know NC and SC take infidelity into consideration. Others do too.)

Focus on your kids. Spend time with them, and get outside, doing something active. Get exercise. Even if you're too tired. Even if you don't want to. Daily. Start changing your routine. Do things different. take a different route to work, and a different route home. Change little things, so the routine isn't the same. 

*3. *Once your head is remotely in the right place, your time is focused on your kids, and you're feeling <a little> better contact an attorney, and start planning for D.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Oh, and...

4. DNA test your kids. Dear god, DNA test your kids. You can do this without even telling the Wife. It's available for ~$120 and a kit can be bought at Walmart.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

What is it that you want from us, Ben? If you hate your marriage you have 2 choices: 1) Fix it, or 2) Leave.

Your chosen screen name probably indicates the real issue for you: Leaving a bad marriage also means leaving a good son. That's a conundrum most dads face. In your case, the ambivalence (Paralysis?) results from the collateral damage. 

Bottom line: You choose #1 above.

That's what the discussion needs to be.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kivlor said:


> Oh, and...
> 
> 4. DNA test your kids. Dear god, DNA test your kids. You can do this without even telling the Wife. It's available for ~$120 and a kit can be bought at Walmart.


Sad to say, I have to agree with this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> "when the step brother got out of prison over 3 years ago she had an affair with him."
> 
> It kinda looks like she did.


How on earth did I miss that? Thanks!


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## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

You do need to get out but when you do, think of your kids and please don't put them in the middle of your relationship and don't ignore them either. You sound angry and I wouldn't want your kids to suffer because of it. I can see where you are coming from being in a marriage that you don't want anymore. Sounds like you need to chill once you are out of the marriage. Going to the lawyer first and getting everything in order would be smart before making your move.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bensdad123 said:


> I truly hate being married. Its been 9 years and i think I've pretty much given up. My mind isn't in this anymore, I have no idea how to leave, I am always unhappy and angry. The boredom, the fights, the ups and downs, ive grown exhausted and literally fed up with the whole idea of us. Everyday I wake up a d think to myself i wish i was dead so i wouldn't have to go thru this anymore...
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


Wow then you should leave. Better to leave then cheat or kill yourself. Why are you staying?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I know it is never easy to leave, but you are making yourself literally sick by staying.

the first step out the door is always the hardest, but you are not doing yourself or children in favors in staying. 

You need to start with getting together an exit plan, this will help keep your mind busy and give you a better future to look forward to.

We can all be here for you and offer support, but the choice has to be yours and we will be here one way or the other.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

Sounds like you need to get out..and fast. It is destroying you. It's like swallowing a horrible tasting dose of medicine - you bite the bullet, get it over with and move on. You will feel liberated and will heal as time goes on - we all do. In the middle of a storm..everything seems horrible. But the next day when the sun is shining, things become more clear.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Do you love your wife?

Does your wife love you?


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