# Wife dresses up for everyone but me.



## married_bob

The details are unimportant, I think. What one couple finds unacceptable is another couple's reason for being together. So, how to discuss this?

The generalities: It seems to me that things are backwards. 

When she's home, it's sweats and flannel and slippers. Anything else isn't 'comfortable'. Nothing else is 'practical'. This is "her being her". This is how she's comfortable. Anything more "just isn't her."

Wife's job involves a lot of walking, bending, lifting, in a non-office environment, and involves getting a little bit dirty - just a bit, not construction or anything. The environment tends to be cool or drafty, with regular trips outside. But - going out the door in the morning, she's in skirts, stretchy, clingy tops, high heel leather boots. Nothing over the top, mind you - this isn't "my wife dresses like a streetwalker" or anything. But she sure does look like she's going out on the town or to the board-room or something, when really her job would be better performed in nurse's scrubs and running shoes. And I've seen her co-workers. Sure,a few dress up too, but not so ofen, and mostly it's jeans and shirts.

She does sometimes dress nice for me - but we have to be going out to something special just to get her to dress as well as she does going to work. A simple dinner out or a movie or shopping usually gets no more than jeans and a shirt. She makes a point of having me acknowledge how she treated me to something if she even puts on one of her less attractive work tops. And if she does dress for me as good or better than she dresses for work, well, suddenly she dressed up "ultra sexy" for me - oh yeah, these clothes are head-turning and she's a temptress in them, you know. Then Monday morning, what was supposedly super-hot, "you won't be able to take your eyes off me" Saturday evening, now is supposed to be just normal everyday workwear, and what kind of lunatic am I for having even the slightest issue with this...'cause you know, it's not EXACTLY the same top as Saturday night - this one's not quite as form-fitting, although it does have a v-neck the other didn't...and it's not EXACTLY the same high heels - these ones are a whole 1/2" shorter!!...no, THIS outfit is the single most practical, ordinary, comfortable and appropriate thing she could possibly wear...anything less and I'd be asking her to wear a burka...until, of course, 5 minutes after she's in the door in the evening..then suddenly it's not at all comfortable any more, she's tired and just wants to be comfortable, and we must get back into the flannel asap or I'm being totally unreasonable again....

Writing this is proving to be very useful - as it requires organizing the thoughts.

It occurs to me that it's not so much the classic "I'm jealous of my wife dressing nice when she's out without me." - so much as it's the sense of being taken for a fool and feeling suspicious about the obvious double-talk. No, I don't have any real suspicions of bad behaviour outside the home. She's a great wife and we're probably in the 90th percentile of marital bliss most of the time. But that doesn't mean I'm not a normal human being with normal human insecurities and doubts - and we decided long ago that we both accepted that the other was such a normal human and that we'd take those things into account as a matter of caring for the other.

Now, I don't want to overstate things either. Sure, there are days that she purposely puts on something playfully alluring at home. But what I'm describing is the daily routine, a routine that tips the balance way out of my favour, and not only does that just seems wrong, it seems wrong that I'm told I'm unreasonable for finding it wrong.

She wants to just feel good about herself? No problem - I'm all attention and compliments. Really She gets more appreciation than most, I'm sure. And it's sincere - I really think she's the most beautiful woman on the planet, even in her sweats - and I let her know it. So get your feeling good here at home. What's so darn imperative about looking like a model for everyone else? Especially when you insist that you get no attention from it, or if you do you're ignorant of it. And stop taking me for an idiot - stop trying to tell me that the spandex pants and the thin, clingy tops are totally un-sexy like I don't know better.

So, the question - if there is a question in all of this - is: 

To the ladies - can anyone provide a reasonable, rational explanation of this behaviour that will allow me to understand why a wife would be so determined to show herself off to the rest of the world every day, but uninterested in doing the same for her husband, other than occasionally, when every other aspect of the marriage is absolutely story-book? If I can gain some undetrstanding of it, maybe I can get over this feeling of being the fool and the loser in the story and I won't have to bug her about it - 'cause I gotta admit this has been eating at me for some time now - I don't want to be the over-bearing husband, but at the same time, she may have a right to dress how she likes, but I have a right to have an opinion on it and my feelings about it. It's getting to the point of - ok, do what you want, but if I'm going to avoid blowing a gasket I'm going to have to go the other way and stop caring at all, and do you really want that?

To the guys - Does this sound familiar to anyone? Doesn't it sometimes seem like modern life is totally backwards?

Thanks.


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## that_girl

I don't know. I found myself in this rut because I wear heels/dresses/stockings to work every day (as a teacher) and I just want to be comfortable when I'm home. And warm. I'm always cold.

Then I realized (hubs never said anything but I'm sure he thought it) that I was becoming that housewife ....Ms. Frump. LOL

So I went out and bought CUTE and SEXY lounge clothing. No more sweats...just yoga pants (which are hot  ) and sexy tank tops and tight fitting hoodies. 

Hubs noticed. Just the other day he said how sexy my top was (leopard print, tight, and lacy). It's comfy and hot!

Maybe that will work for you? Take her shopping or something!


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## Shaggy

Sounds to me like she values to opinions of coworkers,more than she does yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

Women are competitive. Always have been, always will be. She isn't dressing up for "everyone". She's dressing up for the benefit of other women. My wife and probably most others on the planet do the same thing. My wife checks out every other woman at the mall and critiques their weight, their hair, their choice of clothes, etc. She probably knows she's running the female critique gauntlet when she goes out in public, so she dressing up. You aren't going to pick her apart, so she can relax around you.


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## Accipiter777

Have you considered your wife wears comfy clothes because she comfy around you?


as stated above "You aren't going to pick her apart, so she can relax around you. "


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## 20yrs

She's not doing it intentionally but at the same time, my hubby feels the same way so I have been trying to do better about dressing up at home... but it's just so delicious to be able to just be comfortable at home! ( from a wife's point of view!) 

Aren't you glad she doesn't go OUT looking all comfy? Then you would be embarrassed with her.  

I don't 'dress' for others - I dress for my husband when I go out as I know he likes when I look nice. It makes me feel good about myself and I feel like I am representing MRS. B______ when I am out and about. Make sense?


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## Entropy3000

She does it for attention. For other women? Maybe but it is likely for others as well. It sound slike work appropriate attire for her might not be skirts and such. I would wonder as well.

her role at her job can have an impact on this as well. Is she a manager?


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## COGypsy

unbelievable said:


> Women are competitive. Always have been, always will be. She isn't dressing up for "everyone". She's dressing up for the benefit of other women. My wife and probably most others on the planet do the same thing. My wife checks out every other woman at the mall and critiques their weight, their hair, their choice of clothes, etc. She probably knows she's running the female critique gauntlet when she goes out in public, so she dressing up. You aren't going to pick her apart, so she can relax around you.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I'm at work now and I can tell you that there is probably no man here who could tell you or give a flip about even the color of my sweater. But the majority of the women I've run into today have commented either on my shoes, my hair or my necklace. The women who see every detail are the ones that I make sure I can pass muster with....and that I expect I will notice just as much. My boss got new highlights over the weekend. Her boss has a new dress....it must be a slow day for one of the deans, she's only wearing slacks and a blouse instead of her usual suit....the admin probably has her fall sinus infection, she was wearing a jacket at her desk and hardly ever does that....

And I haven't even been out of my little office much today at all...that's mostly just people passing by.

Sure, I love a compliment from a guy or my husband as much as the next girl....but anywhere I go, I know they aren't the ones that notice the details of what I'm wearing....or care.


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## Entropy3000

Guys notice more than you think.


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## timbre

I've had this conversation with my wife and I think I also have a slightly different take on it. My wife has three jobs. The dress code ranges anywhere from casual to full businness attire. When she gets home she wants to relax. So that part is the same.

But here's the kicker. Have you ever looked in the mirror at what you wear when you are home? For me, my job only requires jeans and a tshirt. I can live 24/7 in these clothes and it doesnt' bother me. My wife has asked that I do change when I get home. Why? The exact same thing as what you are experiencing. To her, my jeans and tshirt are associated with work and or jobs around the house. When she sees me relaxing or going on errands she wants me in something more sexy.

So I have taken the time to get some more dressy outfits.. at the least I get out of my work jeans and shirt and put on something a bit nicer even if it is still jeans and a tshirt.

Food for thought. Try dressing a bit better yourself for a week and see if she responds to it. I bet she will.


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## SunnyT

Some people (my ex for one) think it's all about how others see you. It's all about how you present yourself to the outside world. Drove me nuts too. Everyone else got the sexy, well dressed, NOT scratching himself and wandering around in boxers..... comfy was over-rated.


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## unbelievable

You ever hear a straight guy ask, "Can you believe she wore those shoes with that dress?" Once again, we are all just slightly evolved cavemen. Since the dawn of time until only very recently, women remained in competition with each other to land a decent provider-guy. Her survival and that of her offspring depended on this female vs female competition. The competition might not be always about clothes or appearance. Could be who's got the smartest kid, who's got the neatest home, who's got the best career, who bakes the best pie. My wife puts on makeup and dresses up to go to work. Almost all her colleagues are women. She could care less what a guy thinks but her feelings are hurt is she doesn't get positive comments from the women.


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## Entropy3000

I am talking about a non office environment where there are men. Men notice women who are "dressed up". It comes down to what the men see as her sex rank. Women's sex rank varies very much with how they dress. It depends.

Hard to tell from this post without seeing her vs. what the the other women wear. I am not saying there is anyhting wrong here.


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## Lydia

I dress up every day for work in heels and skirts/etc. and when I come home it's into sweats and tshirts for me. I am tired when I get home and just want to relax on the couch for a while. I don't dress up often for my husband because I feel secure with him and feel he loves me and not my clothes... If she is dressing up sometimes for you, I don't see the problem? Unless she's wearing lingerie to work?? lol


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## Shaggy

I think this s reflective on how people tend to get lazy about what they are putting into the marriage.

You dress up for wrk because you have to.However when you put the effort into dressing well and nicely for work it's because you want to be noticed and you want others to see you positively.

When you vome home, many people stop putting the effort in. They don't work at impressing their partner, or doing things that take effort-like dressing well. They slack off.

Then they complain that their marriage lacks passion or fun or attention. The truth is they are getting back out what the are putting in.

Sure there is a time for relaxing, but it shouldn't be from the moment you leave the outside world until you go back into it. If your SO likes the way you look in dress clothes,mthen put an effort in and wear some around the house each week. Doesn't have to be every day, but how about 4 out of the 7? Your SO should only get to see you put in effort for work, or when going out and spending $$$.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kim p

married_bob said:


> The details are unimportant, I think. What one couple finds unacceptable is another couple's reason for being together. So, how to discuss this?
> 
> The generalities: It seems to me that things are backwards.
> 
> When she's home, it's sweats and flannel and slippers. Anything else isn't 'comfortable'. Nothing else is 'practical'. This is "her being her". This is how she's comfortable. Anything more "just isn't her."
> 
> Wife's job involves a lot of walking, bending, lifting, in a non-office environment, and involves getting a little bit dirty - just a bit, not construction or anything. The environment tends to be cool or drafty, with regular trips outside. But - going out the door in the morning, she's in skirts, stretchy, clingy tops, high heel leather boots. Nothing over the top, mind you - this isn't "my wife dresses like a streetwalker" or anything. But she sure does look like she's going out on the town or to the board-room or something, when really her job would be better performed in nurse's scrubs and running shoes. And I've seen her co-workers. Sure,a few dress up too, but not so ofen, and mostly it's jeans and shirts.
> 
> She does sometimes dress nice for me - but we have to be going out to something special just to get her to dress as well as she does going to work. A simple dinner out or a movie or shopping usually gets no more than jeans and a shirt. She makes a point of having me acknowledge how she treated me to something if she even puts on one of her less attractive work tops. And if she does dress for me as good or better than she dresses for work, well, suddenly she dressed up "ultra sexy" for me - oh yeah, these clothes are head-turning and she's a temptress in them, you know. Then Monday morning, what was supposedly super-hot, "you won't be able to take your eyes off me" Saturday evening, now is supposed to be just normal everyday workwear, and what kind of lunatic am I for having even the slightest issue with this...'cause you know, it's not EXACTLY the same top as Saturday night - this one's not quite as form-fitting, although it does have a v-neck the other didn't...and it's not EXACTLY the same high heels - these ones are a whole 1/2" shorter!!...no, THIS outfit is the single most practical, ordinary, comfortable and appropriate thing she could possibly wear...anything less and I'd be asking her to wear a burka...until, of course, 5 minutes after she's in the door in the evening..then suddenly it's not at all comfortable any more, she's tired and just wants to be comfortable, and we must get back into the flannel asap or I'm being totally unreasonable again....
> 
> Writing this is proving to be very useful - as it requires organizing the thoughts.
> 
> It occurs to me that it's not so much the classic "I'm jealous of my wife dressing nice when she's out without me." - so much as it's the sense of being taken for a fool and feeling suspicious about the obvious double-talk. No, I don't have any real suspicions of bad behaviour outside the home. She's a great wife and we're probably in the 90th percentile of marital bliss most of the time. But that doesn't mean I'm not a normal human being with normal human insecurities and doubts - and we decided long ago that we both accepted that the other was such a normal human and that we'd take those things into account as a matter of caring for the other.
> 
> Now, I don't want to overstate things either. Sure, there are days that she purposely puts on something playfully alluring at home. But what I'm describing is the daily routine, a routine that tips the balance way out of my favour, and not only does that just seems wrong, it seems wrong that I'm told I'm unreasonable for finding it wrong.
> 
> She wants to just feel good about herself? No problem - I'm all attention and compliments. Really She gets more appreciation than most, I'm sure. And it's sincere - I really think she's the most beautiful woman on the planet, even in her sweats - and I let her know it. So get your feeling good here at home. What's so darn imperative about looking like a model for everyone else? Especially when you insist that you get no attention from it, or if you do you're ignorant of it. And stop taking me for an idiot - stop trying to tell me that the spandex pants and the thin, clingy tops are totally un-sexy like I don't know better.
> 
> So, the question - if there is a question in all of this - is:
> 
> To the ladies - can anyone provide a reasonable, rational explanation of this behaviour that will allow me to understand why a wife would be so determined to show herself off to the rest of the world every day, but uninterested in doing the same for her husband, other than occasionally, when every other aspect of the marriage is absolutely story-book? If I can gain some undetrstanding of it, maybe I can get over this feeling of being the fool and the loser in the story and I won't have to bug her about it - 'cause I gotta admit this has been eating at me for some time now - I don't want to be the over-bearing husband, but at the same time, she may have a right to dress how she likes, but I have a right to have an opinion on it and my feelings about it. It's getting to the point of - ok, do what you want, but if I'm going to avoid blowing a gasket I'm going to have to go the other way and stop caring at all, and do you really want that?
> 
> To the guys - Does this sound familiar to anyone? Doesn't it sometimes seem like modern life is totally backwards?
> 
> Thanks.


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## kim p

Hi married bob,What you write about sounds exactly what my husband and I have gone through although some what different. I thought I always dressed very nice,cute clothes and stuff,not sweat pants or tennis shoes. He always was buying me certain clothes and shoes but I thought there wernt my style. I would dress up when we out but would get into my nightgown as soon as we would get home. Makeup off,no jewelry,he didnt seem to have any interest in sex.So we had a talk one morning about what he wanted. What I found out was a certain sexy look in the way I dress,not ****ty or anything. To make him happy to work and at home I stared wearing high heels, tight skirts,low cut blouses.It has made a huge difference in our sex life. Its a real win win situation for both of us.Hes happy and I have never felt so confident in my life as I get alot of compliments.Tonight I came home and my husband had a glass of wine waiting for me. We talked about our day for a while wneh I slipped my high heel mule down on the end of foot and dangled it for him. That was all it took to head up to the bedroom.


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## turner_tornado

married_bob said:


> ...high heel leather boots.


See if she will wear the boots or heels with her sweats just for the fun of it. I bet she will find it fun and probably sexy.


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## deejov

Sometimes, just sometimes, a woman (or man) will dress one level "above" their current position in a job. 

Want the team lead job? Dress like you have it, dress like you ARE the leader, and people treat you differently. With more respect. 

And like that_girl says... take her shopping. Home doesn't have to mean sweats. But if she isn't trying to convey power and respect, it might be more comfortable for her to dumb it down. Just do it with some class lol!


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## Ten_year_hubby

married_bob said:


> To the guys - Does this sound familiar to anyone? Doesn't it sometimes seem like modern life is totally backwards?
> 
> Thanks.


In my case, this is a textbook example of making your friends more important than your husband. My wife thinks this is OK, probably (I would guess) because of the way her mom treated her dad.


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## that_girl

What is dressed up? Heels and dresses? That's me every day for work as a teacher. 

When I get home, it's jeans and teeshirt...tight enough for my husband to notice. LOL


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## 4821

unbelievable said:


> Women are competitive. Always have been, always will be. She isn't dressing up for "everyone". She's dressing up for the benefit of other women. My wife and probably most others on the planet do the same thing. My wife checks out every other woman at the mall and critiques their weight, their hair, their choice of clothes, etc. She probably knows she's running the female critique gauntlet when she goes out in public, so she dressing up. You aren't going to pick her apart, so she can relax around you.


EXACTLY - she knows you love her and wants to feel comfortable. She also wants a promotion and to look her best in public is what women are taught. If the husband put on all that stuff I think he would want to take it all off when he got home from work too. I worked as a female in a high position over women and men. I dressed for success. I came home and found it great to take off those fancy outfit, shoes that hurt my feet, stockings, and all that makeup. You might find some sexy lounge clothing. SHE LOVES THE OP. Women that don't feel loved would never feel comfortable enough to get in their sweats when they come home from work.


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## 4821

SHE LOVES THE OP. Women that don't feel loved would never feel comfortable enough to get in their sweats when they come home from work.


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## that_girl

And why would anyone dress up just to sit at home? LOL I don't put on my pearls to scrub toilets...Hubs doesn't wear a suit to change the car oil...


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## Shaggy

I think the core idea here is that many people put an effort into dressing for people outside of the relationship in a way that either meets the expectations of the outside group, or is intended to impress and illicit a positive response. This shows that the reaction and opinion of these outsider matters, a d motivates them.



They then come home, and choose to demonstrate that they don't really care what their SO thinks. Ths essentially tells the SO that they are less important than the outsiders. Not a good message to be giving to your SO, and it's one that often results in the SO choosing to do it back in other ways. Rinse repeat, and you have a huge problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Just get cute loungy clothes. Sexy, tight tanks without bra...lol. works every time.


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## scione

Sometimes my wife wears nice cloth to work. I don't really care what she wears at home. But if I really get my wish, I'd have her wearing birthday suit as a requirement to be in the house. That would be really comfortable at home. Who's with me?


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## Ten_year_hubby

that_girl said:


> Just get cute loungy clothes. Sexy, tight tanks without bra...lol. works every time.


I'm pretty sure what you are describing is not what the op is complaining about.


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## Therealbrighteyes

that_girl said:


> And why would anyone dress up just to sit at home? LOL I don't put on my pearls to scrub toilets...Hubs doesn't wear a suit to change the car oil...


Perhaps the OP puts on a top hat and tails to take out the garbage. I find it incredible what people focus on in marriage as if things aren't tough enough already.


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## Juicy

I find that once you have been with someone for a long time you start to let your guard down. So you start showing your habits, and the real you. It's because people feel that at the start of the relationship it's all about impressing the other person.

I know I always made sure I had my make up on and my hair and clothes were nice before going out with my BF. But after a few months and when we started living together we both started wearing comfy clothes and not worrying as much about what we looked like. But when we go out, we both make sure we look our best even when we aren't going out together.

I think it's because people feel they don't need to impress the other person anymore because they are in an official relationship. I noticed this myself and told my H, and made an effort to look my best whenever I'm around him and when I'm going out myself.

It could also be a confidence thing. Maybe she feels comfortable around you and knows you won't judge her. But when she goes out maybe she feels she needs to 'dress up' so she feels confident and ready to face work.

This is quite common so don't fret, it's when people become comfortable with each other then they feel they don't need to impress as much. How about going shopping with her and suggesting a few clothes? Or how is your dress attire? Do you make an effort? Maybe she thinks that because you don't make an effort she doesn't have to?


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## that_girl

You may call me silly, but when I know hubs will be home after work, I make sure to fix my face, hair and all that. lol.


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## Entropy3000

Saturday, my wife and I went out for brunch. She looked very nice. Nothing overtly sexy but not something she would wear to work either. It was jeans and a very flattering top that had a peekaboo front going on. Actually subtle but very feminine. Anyway I loved it. It means a lot to me and she knows that. I am planning on keeping her.

TRBE - I think my pre-selection value was high Saturday due in no small part to this. j/k


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## Therealbrighteyes

Entropy3000 said:


> Saturday, my wife and I went out for brunch. She looked very nice. Nothing overtly sexy but not something she would wear to work either. It was jeans and a very flattering top that had a peekaboo front going on. Actually subtle but very feminine. Anyway I loved it. It means a lot to me and she knows that. I am planning on keeping her.
> 
> TRBE - I think my pre-selection value was high Saturday due in no small part to this. j/k


Don't be so sure Ent.....you're at BRUNCH after all. 

Totally hear you on dressing up to go out with your spouse. The OP however was ticked that she came home and got comfy which I find ridiculous.


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## Entropy3000

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Don't be so sure Ent.....you're at BRUNCH after all.
> 
> Totally hear you on dressing up to go out with your spouse. The OP however was ticked that she came home and got comfy which I find ridiculous.


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## Laurae1967

Lydia said:


> I dress up every day for work in heels and skirts/etc. and when I come home it's into sweats and tshirts for me. I am tired when I get home and just want to relax on the couch for a while. I don't dress up often for my husband because I feel secure with him and feel he loves me and not my clothes... If she is dressing up sometimes for you, I don't see the problem? Unless she's wearing lingerie to work?? lol


:iagree: My thoughts exactly.


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## Laurae1967

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Don't be so sure Ent.....you're at BRUNCH after all.
> 
> Totally hear you on dressing up to go out with your spouse. The OP however was ticked that she came home and got comfy which I find ridiculous.


Ditto. Not sure what the big stank is all about....


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## Milenka

Have you talked to her about the way this makes you feel? 
I don't see anything wrong here, and is probably done unintentionally. Reasons may vary: for attention, for the pleasure of receiving compliments, to prove to herself she's still attractive, or simply she likes to look good when going out like most women do. I like to dress trendy and matchy-match for work or going out to town. I do enjoy when my co-workers notice my new bag, shoes or earrings, and to be known as a "fashionista". At home though, I want to be comfy in my cotton shirt and pijama pants. But if my bf required, I wouldn't mind put on a sexy lingerie and and look my best for a sexy night. 
I think you should buy your wife something you would like to see her in at home, and present the gift to her with a suggestive note. She'll get the hint.


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## CH

Isn't the ultimate goal for a husband is to get the clothes off and not on the wife?

Also, you've seen your wife naked, there is nothing left to the imagination as to what is under those clothes, so her wearing sexy clothes or frumpy clothes doesn't really matter IMO. Because either way, you'll want them off of her in the end


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## kim p

Men have a very different attitude about sexy and sex than women do. I learned this from talks with my husband. Great,just slip in to the most comfortable thing you can put on,but maybe that doesnt do much for your husband. Guys are stimulated by looks.


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## Catherine602

Well in this instance I op for comfort in my own home. 

If my husband expressed unhappiness that I change into comfortable loose fitting clothes on a cold evening i would be pissed. I would ask him why he thought it was OK for me to come home and not be able to relax and enjoy the comforts of my home?

I think of home as a safe harbor. Good food, good wine, good intellectual exchange, love, warmth and comfort. Those are the important things. 

If I had to walk around in a pair of 4" heals, a pencil skit and a tank top showing 8 inches of cleavage for my husbands visual inspection, I'd be so mad that I'd suck all of the warm fuzzes out of every room. 

I play dress up for him but not in anything that I would wear in the presence of anyone else.


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