# Hard separation/divorce



## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

My husband and I have many mutual friends. When we separated we both kept the same friends but stopped seeing each other. I don't go out with my friends if my husband is in attendance. We have a son and that has made it a lot easier to avoid each other since he is almost always with one of us. In October I was hanging out with my friends and drinking. I am not much of a drinker. I have social anxiety and it was really bad that night so I drank more than I normally do. I had 7 or 8 drinks in less than two hours. I had sex with a friend of mine. That friend is also a friend of my husband's. That isn't something that I would normally do. I had never hooked up with anyone. I only had sex in a serious relationship. I'm not blaming the alcohol. I chose to drink that much and to drink it so quickly. I can barely remember what happened. I don't remember how we got to the point of having sex. My memory goes from being with all of my friends to being upstairs having sex with him to thinking for a second that I should stop it to being done and falling asleep to waking up and puking my guts out and falling asleep on the bathroom floor. I have never been that drunk. I have never thrown up from drinking and have never had memory problems. My friend filled in a lot of the gaps but his memory of it is vastly different than my own. 

I am 12 weeks pregnant. I cry all the time because I didn't want this. I'm not even divorced yet and I'm pregnant by another man. That's horrible. The friend that I slept with had a fiancé. That's even worse. Their relationship has ended. Part of that burden is on me. My friend and I have been trying to create a relationship. It ****s with my head that I'm dating a man that I'm already pregnant by. We have skipped so many steps. It's difficult. I'm unsure how much to try and force a relationship. People have arranged marriages and that seems to work sometimes. Maybe we can learn to make a relationship work. His parents hate me. He says they will come around and be excited for their first grandchild. 

I don't get along with my husband. Now it's even worse. I feel guilty that I have made our coparenting relationship worse than it was. My son deserves better than that. We were not fighting about much in our divorce. Now my husband is changing his mind on everything. He has been saying hurtful things to me. I need thicker skin. I didn't want to be with my husband but now that it's so final I'm second guessing myself. He is saying that we could have worked it out if I hadn't gone and done this. 

I'm finding it very difficult cope with my husband. I hate having to see him. Our divorce has become much harder. I have lost most of my friends. My family is not supportive and my mum told me that I better marry my friend because no man would want me after what I've done. True or not it hurt a lot coming from my mum. They have never been supportive but that doesn't stop the pain. I feel guilty that I played a role in ruining my friends relationship. I feel guilty that I'm forcing him into fatherhood with me. I should be strong enough for an abortion or adoption and I'm not. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. He wants to be a father but not like this. I'm not prepared to have two babies from different men and what goes along with that. I'm not prepared for two different custody schedules if my friend and I cannot work it out. I'm not prepared for dealing with two men and their families. I'm not coping well with the shame that comes with what I've done. I'm finding it very difficult to form a relationship with my babies father in this situation. 

I need support 

~Lauren


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wow terrible situation. I'm sorry but with all do respect, you ARE a women now who has two kids with two different men, so you should really be working on making yourself prepared. It sucks that it happened that way but if you are keeping the child then you have to adapt to the situation. Gotta do it for both your kids.

Can I ask where you are from? 

Also was this man with his fiancé when you hooked up? Are you sure it's wise to marry this man?


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Sokillme - I hate the sound of being a woman with two children from two men. I wouldn't care if I was in my second marriage. In this situation I hate it. There is a lot of judgement. At least right now. I have to get use to it. 

Do you mean where do I live? I don't particularly want to say exactly where I live. If someone who knows me reads this they will know it's me regardless. I don't think my location in this world is relevant. 

He was with his fiancée. Their relationship ended after. It ended when I told him that I am pregnant. He told his fiancée the day after we were together and they were going to try and work it out. I know it looks bad. That's the first time he has cheated. He told his fiancée right away. He is my babies father. I have to try.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So lets not sugar coat any of this. I do not know the circumstances of your separation but here goes.

What you did was despicable. Blaming the alcohol for it is despicable. You slept with an engaged man and broke up his relationship. You slept with a mutual friend of your husband. Furthermore the man you slept with is a POS for sleeping with you - the wife of his friend, a friend and a still married woman while being engaged. He deserves everything he gets. And has already been asked, do you really want to get into a relationship with a POS like this. Do you really want this POS to be in your kids life too?

He does not deserve a ready made family now just because it would be nice to have a kid. His parents are right about this.

Now what you shouldnt do is marry him just to justify having the baby. Whatever you decide to do with the baby, you need to get yourself into counselling to deal with the fact that what you did was despicable. That is an absolute must. Hopefully it will help you with apologising and showing true remorse to those you have hurt by this - his fiancee, your kid, your husband, friends and family etc.

Do not rub salt into this wound by continuing to date him and trying to make a "relationship" out of this. Put as much distance between him and yourself until you fix yourself. Suggest to him that he needs fixing too and needs to go sort himself out. I hope that all your mutual friends have dropped you and [email protected] as friends - for now.

Think long and hard about what you are going to do about the baby AFTER you have had some counselling help. One option is keeping the baby but apologising to your husband and child sincerely and actively while enforcing boundaries with the POS father of the baby (he will have legal recourse to seeing his child possibly).

What sort of advice are you looking for here?

Good luck.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> So lets not sugar coat any of this. I do not know the circumstances of your separation but here goes.
> 
> What you did was despicable. Blaming the alcohol for it is despicable. You slept with an engaged man and broke up his relationship. You slept with a mutual friend of your husband. Furthermore the man you slept with is a POS for sleeping with you - the wife of his friend, a friend and a still married woman while being engaged. He deserves everything he gets. And has already been asked, do you really want to get into a relationship with a POS like this. Do you really want this POS to be in your kids life too?
> 
> ...


That was harsh...


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Is it possible you were given a roofie?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well I don't think she will come back now.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Violet28 - No. Not a chance.



Violet28 said:


> Is it possible you were given a roofie?


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

My other replies are not showing up.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Manfromlama - That was harsh...  I cry enough without your help.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

This was a mistake  I'm sorry.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@struggling2, there are many folks here who have been cheated on, and you admitting you did that will trigger them, and many will have very harsh, hard things to say to you (obviously, you've already said them to yourself).
Don't let that discourage you -- just ignore those if you can. There are plenty of folks on this site that can help you, even if just to let you vent and help you work through your feelings.
You are in a very tough spot, no mistake. 
The only thing I'd caution you is that you are trying to force a relationship with the guy you slept with. HE KNOWS you were married at the time, and HE WAS engaged at the time. Please think about what that shows of his backbone and morals. You have to deal with him as your baby's biological father, but you DO NOT have to deal with his as a husband (just something to consider).

Your husband in now changing his mind about being good in the divorce because not only did you cheat, you cheated with one of his friends so he is dealing with a double betrayal -- you can see how that would make him angry, no? 

Do you have anyone that can help you (if even just as a sounding board) -- ANYONE in your family? I know your mom said some hurtful things, but can you talk to her? You made a big mistake -- you are human. Talk to your mother about that and see if she can help you. If not, is there a priest/reverend/rabbi, etc. that you could talk with?
Try to get yourself into some sort of counseling asap.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Jlg - I didn't cheat on my husband. We separated in March. I shouldn't have done it I know. Am I wrong? Is the separation irrelevant and I cheated on him? I'm not a cheater 

If he's a bad person for what he did then I'm just as bad because I did the same thing  If I shouldn't want him because of that then shouldn't he feel the same way?

I don't have anyone to talk to. My mum is not supportive. I don't have a big family. Most of my friends hate me because of what I did. I'm not religious and no church would want me now. 

I ****ed up 



jlg07 said:


> @struggling2, there are many folks here who have been cheated on, and you admitting you did that will trigger them, and many will have very harsh, hard things to say to you (obviously, you've already said them to yourself).
> Don't let that discourage you -- just ignore those if you can. There are plenty of folks on this site that can help you, even if just to let you vent and help you work through your feelings.
> You are in a very tough spot, no mistake.
> The only thing I'd caution you is that you are trying to force a relationship with the guy you slept with. HE KNOWS you were married at the time, and HE WAS engaged at the time. Please think about what that shows of his backbone and morals. You have to deal with him as your baby's biological father, but you DO NOT have to deal with his as a husband (just something to consider).
> ...


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You went off the rails one night and now you going to have to get back on track somehow.

If I've read this correctly, you had been separated for seven months at the time and going through the process of divorce. So I don't see how this could be classed as cheating on your part, unless you and husband had made an agreement not to move on in your lives yet.
I also don't think he ever had any intention of you two getting back together and is just using that to rub salt in your wounds. Or he's only just realised he doesn't want anyone else to have you.

There is so much drama now that you haven't got the time or space to think clearly. 

How good of a friendship did you and this guy have before you slept together? Had you ever felt attraction to him before that night? Did you even feel it that night? Has he flirted with you in the past? And how upset is he about the end of his previous relationship? Does he hold himself accountable for that?
Did he confess to his partner or did she find out?

Don't feel forced into a fulltime relationship with him because you are pregnant with his child. If you can stay friends it might make for easier coparenting than living together.

I'm going to say something a bit dark now, but if you lost the child, would you and he make a good couple together?

It's good that he wants to put the effort in to make things work for his child. But there is no getting away from the fact that he cheated. 

You are already dealing with enough fallout from your onetime ****up and hating on yourself for it. Time to look at the best way forward now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You will have to deal with the practicalities of this situation so I’m afraid your emotional needs are going to have take a back seat.
Do you really see yourself in a long term relationship with your baby daddy,if not then stop dating him.
Continue with your divorce and don’t let your ex husband try to manipulate the situation for his own benefit.All communication should be done through your lawyer and do not discuss anything other than your son with him and then only by text.
Do not depend on anyone to help you.If someone volunteers help,grandparents etc then accept it but do not make them feel obliged to assist you.
Are you employed.
Do you have sufficient income to survive as a single parent with two children.
Whether your baby daddy’s family like it or not he has to support your child financially and this is true whether you stay together or not.
The most important thing to remember is not to let your emotional state affect your ability to do what’s best for you and your children.
In other words do not let anyone bully you including your mother or your so called friends.
When the baby is born things will change.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry for your terrible situation.

Alcohol does mess with your boundaries.

The other guy had sex with a drunk lady, you.

.....................................................................

You have some options:

Give the baby up for adoption.

Keep the baby and move far away from these people.
Start anew.

The second option is not possible because you would then not see your son.

I would seriously consider the adoption option.

Do not consider an abortion, please...




[THM]-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Note:

This pregnancy was predestined for some reason.

The new child needed to be brought into this world, maybe for good, maybe not?

Some things are not understood by the present collection of wooden-head mortals.
This is one of those things.





[The Helmsman]-


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't see how this could be seen as cheating. You're separated and in the process of divorce

Your hb's friend was not a wise choice, but it's done. 

I don't think it's wise to pursue a relationship simply because you got pregnant.... that's making a bad situation worse. And this guy is not a good prospect.... he already cheated on his fiance so he's clearly capable of that. 

You wouldn't be the first person to get pregnant under less then ideal circumstances and figure out how to comparent.... people get pregnant from one night stands.

Get yourself into counseling if you haven't already done so and focus on yourself and the baby. Forget about forcing a relationship with this guy and simply keep him informed about the pregnancy so you can coparent.

As for your ex hb, get your divorce finished and learn to ignore him. I know this situation isn't great and it probably stings that this is his friend, but it's really none of his business. You guys are divorcing.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

EveningThoughts said:


> You went off the rails one night and now you going to have to get back on track somehow.
> 
> If I've read this correctly, you had been separated for seven months at the time and going through the process of divorce. So I don't see how this could be classed as cheating on your part, unless you and husband had made an agreement not to move on in your lives yet.
> I also don't think he ever had any intention of you two getting back together and is just using that to rub salt in your wounds. Or he's only just realised he doesn't want anyone else to have you.
> ...


I was separated from my husband for 7 months at the time of the hookup. We separated in March. I filed for divorce in April. We were not planning on getting back together. I don’t know if he has dated or not. We didn’t have any rules against it. Our marriage was over long before we separated. I didn’t cheat on my husband. My husband didn’t want me when we were married. He didn’t want me when we separated. It doesn’t make sense that he would want me now. He said that to hurt me. He probably doesn’t want me to be with someone else. Especially a friend of his. Dealing with everything at once is hard on me. 

We have been friends for 8 years. He was my husband’s friend first then became my friend through my husband. I wasn’t very close to him. We only saw each other when I was hanging out with another mutual friend. We didn’t talk outside of hanging out. He is a nice guy. I have social anxiety and he always tried to make me feel more comfortable. He is the opposite of my husband. I have always been attracted to him. We didn’t flirt with each other. He was very nice to me but I don’t think it was flirting. It felt like it at times because it was so different from my husband. My attraction to him did get a lot stronger after I separated from my husband. I may have flirted subtly without meaning to. If he ever flirted it was very subtle. I think he was just a nice guy. He said that I came onto him but I don’t remember that. Or much else. 

He is very upset at his relationship with his fiancée ending. They were together for 15 years. They started dating when they were 15. He wasn’t completely happy but he didn’t want the relationship to end. He blames himself and knows it’s his fault. He told her that he slept with me the day after. As soon as he woke up he went home and told her. They were going to stay together. Me being pregnant ruined that. I have a lot of guilt about that. He cries a lot about losing the relationship. He tries not to in front of me because I get upset too. It’s hard to process everything at once. 

I do feel forced to try and make a relationship work. To at least try. He wants to as well. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I am worried about that. I don’t need another bad coparenting relationship. I need to try with him though. We have enough in common and a lot of the same wants and needs. I’m not trying to force a relationship that would have no success. We could be happy. It’s possible. I would rather not think of miscarrying. I have had miscarriages in the past with my husband. If I miscarried right now we would stop trying to have a relationship. More than anything because it would be too hard to deal with. 

I know that he looks bad because he cheated. I know he could cheat on me too. I trust him. I don’t think he would cheat again. He beats himself up over this.

Thank you for not being so harsh.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Wow terrible situation. I'm sorry but with all do respect, you ARE a women now who has two kids with two different men, so you should really be working on making yourself prepared. It sucks that it happened that way but if you are keeping the child then you have to adapt to the situation. Gotta do it for both your kids.
> 
> Can I ask where you are from?
> 
> Also was this man with his fiancé when you hooked up? Are you sure it's wise to marry this man?


I replied to this last night but it's not showing up. I must have done something wrong. 

Is where I am from relevant?


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> You will have to deal with the practicalities of this situation so I’m afraid your emotional needs are going to have take a back seat.
> Do you really see yourself in a long term relationship with your baby daddy,if not then stop dating him.
> Continue with your divorce and don’t let your ex husband try to manipulate the situation for his own benefit.All communication should be done through your lawyer and do not discuss anything other than your son with him and then only by text.
> Do not depend on anyone to help you.If someone volunteers help,grandparents etc then accept it but do not make them feel obliged to assist you.
> ...


It's difficult at the moment but it's possible that we could have a good relationship. We are both attracted to each other and we get along well. He is the complete opposite of my husband. That's a good thing. Some of the factors in my divorce would not be a problem with my friend. I know it's a bad situation, but it's not completely hopeless. 

In regards to my separation should I stand firm on our original decisions or should I give my husband what he wants? Do I owe it to him now to give him what he wants? To get the divorce over faster. I'm confused. I'm not supposed to talk to him? 

Am I not supposed to ask for help from anyone? My husband's mom still tries to help me. 

I am employed. I will be able to raise two children on my own if I have to. I don't want to but I will be able to. My friend wouldn't abandon his child. He will be able to provide for this child as well. 

I have been told that it will get better when the baby gets here. I hope that's true. I wish it would get better now. 

Thank you for not being harsh.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry for your terrible situation.
> 
> Alcohol does mess with your boundaries.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I gave the baby away for adoption  I wouldn't be able to do it. The father doesn't want that either. He didn't want me to abort either. He wants kids. Not like this but he wants them.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't see how this could be seen as cheating. You're separated and in the process of divorce
> 
> Your hb's friend was not a wise choice, but it's done.
> 
> ...


I don't want to be seen as a cheater. My husband and I were separated and there was no intention to get back together. Our marriage has been over for a long time. Longer than we've been separated. I wasn't planning on dating anyone. Definitely not hooking up with someone. Definitely not a mutual friend. I regret it. 

We might not workout but I need to try. He wants to and I want to. This baby deserve us to at least try. I don't want another baby to not have it's parents together. I don't want to have two babies from two men and not be with either of them  I didn't want to start dating yet. Now I don't want to be alone. I am the first person he cheated with. I know that it doesn't look good on him. He isn't a bad guy. I slept with him knowing he was engaged. I'm not better than him. I don't know anyone who has had an unplanned pregnancy let alone outside of a relationship. I feel like a ***** 

I'm not in counseling. Would it help? I don't want to be judged by another person. Should me and the babies dad go together? We are not married but could it help? My husband refused to go so I haven't ever gone. 

He has been my husband's friend for 20 years. I messed up. It's none of his business what I do. I made it his business when I had sex with his friend... I wish I could take it back.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Am I doing this quoting thing properly?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> It's difficult at the moment but it's possible that we could have a good relationship. We are both attracted to each other and we get along well. He is the complete opposite of my husband. That's a good thing. Some of the factors in my divorce would not be a problem with my friend. I know it's a bad situation, but it's not completely hopeless.
> 
> In regards to my separation should I stand firm on our original decisions or should I give my husband what he wants? Do I owe it to him now to give him what he wants? To get the divorce over faster. I'm confused. I'm not supposed to talk to him?
> 
> ...


With regards to your separation/divorce,this new situation is none of your husbands business unless it affects the child you have together.Do not let him or anybody else tell you otherwise.You owe him nothing.
Of course you can accept any help that is offered,what I meant was do not think that anyone is obligated to help you and plan accordingly.
You made a mistake.Millions of people have made the same mistake before and millions will make it again.The people who are treating you harshly need to take a long look in a mirror and decide if they are saints themselves.
You come across as a kind woman who has been dealt a bad hand and you appear lost.Please take care of yourself and the little person who is growing inside you.See if there are any support groups in your area for single parents.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I gave the baby away for adoption  I wouldn't be able to do it. The father doesn't want that either. He didn't want me to abort either. He wants kids. Not like this but he wants them.


Would he take the child?

This would free you up.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Why a 15 year engagement? That would make them 30 and still not married? Doesn’t sound like that was really going anywhere. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> With regards to your separation/divorce,this new situation is none of your husbands business unless it affects the child you have together.Do not let him or anybody else tell you otherwise.You owe him nothing.
> Of course you can accept any help that is offered,what I meant was do not think that anyone is obligated to help you and plan accordingly.
> You made a mistake.Millions of people have made the same mistake before and millions will make it again.The people who are treating you harshly need to take a long look in a mirror and decide if they are saints themselves.
> You come across as a kind woman who has been dealt a bad hand and you appear lost.Please take care of yourself and the little person who is growing inside you.See if there are any support groups in your area for single parents.


My husband wants to make a clause that neither of us can introduce our son to a new partner for 12 months. That would mean that my babies father can't be around my son even after the baby is born. It's a direct retaliation to what I did. 

Should I stop accepting help from my husband's mom? Help is fine but should I cut ties with my husband's family? 

I may look for a local support group. Even in a single parent group I'm embarrassed of how I got there. I use to think I was a good person. Now I'm not sure.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Why a 15 year engagement? That would make them 30 and still not married? Doesn’t sound like that was really going anywhere.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


They got engaged earlier this year. He is 30. Their relationship wasn't perfect and he was a bit hesitant but that's none of my business.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Would he take the child?
> 
> This would free you up.


I wouldn't be able to do that. I would still be losing my child. I'm not concerned with being freed up.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> My husband wants to make a clause that neither of us can introduce our son to a new partner for 12 months. That would mean that my babies father can't be around my son even after the baby is born. It's a direct retaliation to what I did.
> 
> Should I stop accepting help from my husband's mom? Help is fine but should I cut ties with my husband's family?
> 
> I may look for a local support group. Even in a single parent group I'm embarrassed of how I got there. I use to think I was a good person. Now I'm not sure.


Do not allow your husband to dictate to you.I can’t over emphasize this.
Only deal through your lawyer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> I wouldn't be able to do that. I would still be losing my child. I'm not concerned with being freed up.


If he agrees, move in together, make the best of what has been given to you.

Don't assume it won't work out.

It just might.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> I replied to this last night but it's not showing up. I must have done something wrong.
> 
> Is where I am from relevant?


Well as it relates to your culture and the culture around you. For instance if you are South Asian having a kid out of wedlock could really ostracize you.

So you didn't cheat on your husband per say but you contributed in this man cheating on his fiance and destroying her life. I feel for her. To me just as morally wrong. You destroyed a relationship and you don't get a pass for that if you want to honestly evaluate yourself as a person. 

Besides that this guy is NOT a good choice to marry. Once a cheater always a cheater and you would be foolish to believe anything else. He was with this woman 15 years engaged and yet he still pursued you his friends recently separated wife. Dudes as straight up POS. You contributed by the way. I would NOT marry him but I would tell him not to marry you..


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

struggling2 said:


> It ****s with my head that I'm dating a man that I'm already pregnant by. We have skipped so many steps. It's difficult. I'm unsure how much to try and force a relationship. People have arranged marriages and that seems to work sometimes. Maybe we can learn to make a relationship work. His parents hate me. He says they will come around and be excited for their first grandchild.
> 
> I'm finding it very difficult cope with my husband. I hate having to see him. Our divorce has become much harder. I have lost most of my friends. My family is not supportive and my mum told me that I better marry my friend because no man would want me after what I've done. True or not it hurt a lot coming from my mum.
> 
> ...


I am really sorry about your situation.

But first, let me tell you -- what your mother says is NOT true. I suspect there are plenty of men who would want you. I recommend you take your time finding the right one. I just went through my second divorce and I'm in my 50's. I thought -- what guy is going to take some middle aged woman who has divorced twice seriously? But I'm finding that there is no shortage of friends and men once people get to really know you. 

You made a really big mistake with far reaching consequences and it will affect the rest of your life. But it was an isolated incident, totally out of character for you. It does not define you. You didn't suddenly become a drunk who sleeps around all the time with anyone handy regardless of their relationship status. I suspect you were feeling very emotionally vulnerable at the time due to your divorce and the circumstances in your life. You got drunk and everything spun way out of control. It's too bad your friends were not looking out for you when you let your guard down. But they probably didn't realize what was going on.

My advice: 
Don't marry the father unless you fall in love with him and want to be married to him. You're already divorcing the father of one child who you chose to marry. Why would things end any better if you force a marriage - to a man who had sex with you when you were drunk out of your mind and he had a fiance. (You aren't the only guilty party here!)

Can you talk to the new father and see how you can have a good co-parenting relationship where you support each other in raising the child but don't become a couple? I sense that if this relationship is not meant to be, it will be much easier to disentangle if you don't truly entangle. And maybe you'll be surprised to find some day that you do want to be together. But if it's forced there will always be resentment.

Also, I would try to find some new friends. Ones that aren't tied to your ex. I'm not saying what you did was okay or not y our responsibility, but it's done. It was obviously not your normal behavior and if your lifelong friends are turning on you because of what you did one night when blindly drunk, I don't think they are really your friends.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Do not allow your husband to dictate to you.I can’t over emphasize this.
> Only deal through your lawyer.


Every time my husband wants to discuss our divorce we shouldn't talk about it? He should send his changes to his lawyer to send to mine? He calls or texts me. Or confronts me when picking up our son.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> If he agrees, move in together, make the best of what has been given to you.
> 
> Don't assume it won't work out.
> 
> It just might.


I am keeping an open mind that a relationship might work out. I don't want to rush it though. We already are rushing it by getting pregnant before knowing his middle name. I do want our relationship to be good before our baby is born. We have talked about moving in together closer to the baby coming. We're not ready yet.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> Every time my husband wants to discuss our divorce we shouldn't talk about it? He should send his changes to his lawyer to send to mine? He calls or texts me. Or confronts me when picking up our son.


Exactly.He is trying to pressurize you and use your feelings of guilt to get a better divorce/custody settlement.
Do not allow him to bully or confront you.
In fact if you could arrange to maybe have your Mother there when he comes to pick up your son so you have no personal interaction with him at all.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

struggling2 said:


> I don't have anyone to talk to. My mum is not supportive. I don't have a big family. Most of my friends hate me because of what I did. I'm not religious and no church would want me now.
> 
> I ****ed up


You have said you are ashamed--owned up to your problems and asked for support. Don't get stuck in your past. Now is the time to work toward a better future. You are not a bad person, but you have made some bad choices.

First, I am religious and my church would be supportive of you--has been in similar cases in the past--not what you did, but that you are remorseful. We believe that a church is a hospital for sinners and not a museum for saints. Maybe this situation could help with your spiritual life. PM me if you want more info.

Second, A good counselor will not be judgmental of you, but should help you process your emotions and make good decisions. I'm a firm proponent of counseling.

Only you and the father of this child know the possibilities in your relationship. Y'all will have to make this decision and both attending counseling is a positive possibility.

You show courage in continuing to post--transfer this strength into dealing with what must seem to be overwhelming at times. Do not let STBXH intimidate you. Listen to your lawyer...


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Well as it relates to your culture and the culture around you. For instance if you are South Asian having a kid out of wedlock could really ostracize you.
> 
> So you didn't cheat on your husband per say but you contributed in this man cheating on his fiance and destroying her life. I feel for her. To me just as morally wrong. You destroyed a relationship and you don't get a pass for that if you want to honestly evaluate yourself as a person.
> 
> Besides that this guy is NOT a good choice to marry. Once a cheater always a cheater and you would be foolish to believe anything else. He was with this woman 15 years engaged and yet he still pursued you his friends recently separated wife. Dudes as straight up POS. You contributed by the way. I would NOT marry him but I would tell him not to marry you..


Thank you for explaining that. Sorry I was taken back when asked for my location right away. I'm a third culture kid. My mum is from the UK. My dad is American. I was born in Canada. I was raised in Germany. Then we moved back to Canada. 

I feel horrible for ruining their relationship. I hate myself for what I did. There probably isn't anything that I can do for her. I would do it if there was something. I don't remember what I was thinking when I hooked up with him. I am attracted to him but I didn't plan on ever sleeping with him. 

He isn't a POS. He made a mistake. So did I. He's not a POS though. It was as out of character for him as it was for me. He didn't plan on it happening either. Why would you tell him not to marry me?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> So lets not sugar coat any of this. I do not know the circumstances of your separation but here goes.
> 
> *What you did was despicable. Blaming the alcohol for it is despicable. You slept with an engaged man and broke up his relationship. You slept with a mutual friend of your husband. Furthermore the man you slept with is a POS for sleeping with you *- the wife of his friend, a friend and a still married woman while being engaged. He deserves everything he gets. And has already been asked, do you really want to get into a relationship with a POS like this. Do you really want this POS to be in your kids life too?


Sounds like she had a thing for this winner and finally put herself in a drunken stupor to have culpable excuse for having sex with one of her STBX's friends.

When did dating / hooking up while being separated pending a divorce become so accepted? That period was supposed to be a time to withdraw from your STBX and learn to be independent. Now it's a rush to hook up in the hopes to be in a relationship before the divorce has been finalized. 

There are things we men need to be prepared for that women just don't have to be concerned about. Just the same, there things that women have to be prepared for that we men don't face. So I ask, Shouldn't a divorcee / single mom in her 30s be diligent to protect her womb if she wants to have drunken hookups?


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Exactly.He is trying to pressurize you and use your feelings of guilt to get a better divorce/custody settlement.
> Do not allow him to bully or confront you.
> In fact if you could arrange to maybe have your Mother there when he comes to pick up your son so you have no personal interaction with him at all.


I didn't know that it could all go through our lawyers. It would make it easier. I never know when he's going to demand something or show up yelling at me. He has been in one physical fight with my babies father. I want to avoid any more confrontation. 

My son is supposed to alternate homes every 3 days. My husband doesn't show up half the time. I wouldn't want my mum to come for nothing. She wouldn't do it anyway. Sometimes I have my husband's mom pick my son up instead. She has been nothing but nice to me.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

jsmart said:


> Sounds like she had a thing for this winner and finally put herself in a drunken stupor to have culpable excuse for having sex with one of her STBX's friends.
> 
> When did dating / hooking up while being separated pending a divorce become so accepted? That period was supposed to be a time to withdraw from your STBX and learn to be independent. Now it's a rush to hook up in the hopes to be in a relationship before the divorce has been finalized.
> 
> There are things we men need to be prepared for that women just don't have to be concerned about. Just the same, there things that women have to be prepared for that we men don't face. So I ask, Shouldn't a divorcee / single mom in her 30s be diligent to protect her womb if she wants to have drunken hookups?


What does STBX mean? I get that it's my husband but what does it stand for? 

I didn't plan on dating or hooking up with anyone. My babies father is the only man I have had any type of relation with. I didn't plan it. I was attracted to him but I didn't think about ever having a relationship with him. He was engaged. It wasn't an option. I wasn't ready to date. He is the only person I've had sex with outside of a relationship. I'm 26. Regardless I shouldn't have done it.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

WorkingWife said:


> I am really sorry about your situation.
> 
> But first, let me tell you -- what your mother says is NOT true. I suspect there are plenty of men who would want you. I recommend you take your time finding the right one. I just went through my second divorce and I'm in my 50's. I thought -- what guy is going to take some middle aged woman who has divorced twice seriously? But I'm finding that there is no shortage of friends and men once people get to really know you.
> 
> ...


The way I look at it. I'm 26, divorced, with two children from different men. I ruined an engagement. I created a divide in a long lasting group of friends. I ruined my coparenting relationship with my husband. Whether it's with my babies father or not at some point I want to be in a relationship again. It's not my primary focus but it is on my mind. My husband is a perpetual git. I put the effort into our marriage. He wouldn't. I have guilt from ending my marriage. Who is stupid enough to get pregnant from a one night stand  It's not my main focus but I do get upset about how I will be viewed by people from now on. 

My friends were all drinking as well. They didn't notice how much I was drinking or how I was acting. I sat in one spot most of the night. They wanted to go to a bar and I didn't want to. I stayed home with my babies dad and one other couple. I'm horrified at what I did. I haven't had sex with him a second time. I'm pregnant by him but I won't have sex with him. That sounds so stupid. I'm scared to. I don't really remember having sex with him. I can't explain the feeling. I hate what I did. I won't marry him unless I want to. I don't want to be in another unhappy marriage. We are not planning on marrying any time soon. I would want to be with him for a few years before marrying him. Or longer. My husband is a completely different man now than he was before we married. I don't want to go through that again. My babies father wants us to be together too. 

I do need to find new friends that are no mutual friends. Making friends is hard for me. If my friends were not mutual friends of my husband's and my babies father and his fiancée they wouldn't have reacted the way they have. My husband, my babies dad and his fiancée have been in the friend group far longer than I have.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

jsmart said:


> Sounds like she had a thing for this winner and finally put herself in a drunken stupor to have culpable excuse for having sex with one of her STBX's friends.
> 
> When did dating / hooking up while being separated pending a divorce become so accepted? That period was supposed to be a time to withdraw from your STBX and learn to be independent. Now it's a rush to hook up in the hopes to be in a relationship before the divorce has been finalized.
> 
> There are things we men need to be prepared for that women just don't have to be concerned about. Just the same, there things that women have to be prepared for that we men don't face. So I ask, Shouldn't a divorcee / single mom in her 30s be diligent to protect her womb if she wants to have drunken hookups?


FWIW: I see things differently. She sounds remorseful and wants to do what is best for her family at this point. If she were a skank, she would have been protected and most likely different in who she 'hooked up' with. She's cognizant of her consequences and bad choices. I see this NOW as a, "She who is without sin cast the first stone" situation.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

struggling2 said:


> The way I look at it. I'm 26, divorced, with two children from different men. I ruined an engagement. I created a divide in a long lasting group of friends. I ruined my coparenting relationship with my husband. Whether it's with my babies father or not at some point I want to be in a relationship again. It's not my primary focus but it is on my mind. My husband is a perpetual git. I put the effort into our marriage. He wouldn't. I have guilt from ending my marriage. Who is stupid enough to get pregnant from a one night stand  It's not my main focus but I do get upset about how I will be viewed by people from now on.
> 
> My friends were all drinking as well. They didn't notice how much I was drinking or how I was acting. I sat in one spot most of the night. They wanted to go to a bar and I didn't want to. I stayed home with my babies dad and one other couple. I'm horrified at what I did. I haven't had sex with him a second time. I'm pregnant by him but I won't have sex with him. That sounds so stupid. I'm scared to. I don't really remember having sex with him. I can't explain the feeling. I hate what I did. I won't marry him unless I want to. I don't want to be in another unhappy marriage. We are not planning on marrying any time soon. I would want to be with him for a few years before marrying him. Or longer. My husband is a completely different man now than he was before we married. I don't want to go through that again. My babies father wants us to be together too.
> 
> I do need to find new friends that are no mutual friends. Making friends is hard for me. If my friends were not mutual friends of my husband's and my babies father and his fiancée they wouldn't have reacted the way they have. My husband, my babies dad and his fiancée have been in the friend group far longer than I have.


It sounds like you are handling the situation as best you can right now - not jumping back into bed, or marriage, with the baby's father. At 26, you've seen what a bad marriage is like and you're being cautious, that is very smart.

You feel guilty about ending your marriage but you probably made the right decision there if at 26 you were already the only one putting effort into the marriage. You should not be sentenced to life with a jerk, or have your child sentenced to grow up in an unhappy home.

The fact that you are remorseful and not compounding/repeating mistakes is good. 

I understand feeling bad about what people will think of you, but the reality is -- WHO is going to think of you that way? People who already know you? OK, whatever. Clearly they are not perfect either. But anyone new you meet? They really will not know the details of your story until you decide to make it their business. They will meet you and get to know you for who you are, and if and when they learn the exact details they will know you well enough to know there is much more to you as a person than one reckless night.

If you were al "la di da" in your attitude I would say you need to pull your head out of the sand (or something...). But as it is, I think you are being too hard on yourself.

You did something really reckless and stupid and wrong, but the truth is, thousands of others have had the same lapse in judgment and dodged a bullet and did not end up pregnant. No one will ever even know they made that mistake. Why should you be judged any harsher? And many women have done that and taken the easy way out by having an abortion, something you also did not do. I guess I am saying make the best decisions you can moving forward, but don't be too hard on yourself. And know your social standing will definitely improve with time. You're not going to be some pariah. Not in this day and age. 

You have something bit to regret but you also have a lot to be proud of in how you are handling this.

ALSO - I don't think you ruined an engagement. Odds are you saved a woman from marrying a guy who would cheat on her. And possibly you saved that guy from marrying a woman he was willing to cheat on (so how bad did he really want to be her husband???). YOU ARE A SAVIOR!!! LOL, ok, that may be a bit extreme. Sleeping with an engaged guy is wrong but you didn't do it without his willing participation.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Don’t ever drink again. You have built up some bad karma and I’m afraid of what might happen next time....seriously!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

What is done is done. Keep the baby. Some people are uncomfortable now, that is to be expected. Ignore them, in a few years, especially a decade then 2 decades and more no one, absolutely no one important in your life will care that you have babies from 2, 3 etc different fathers. You will have your own family and that is all that will matter. 

Don't move in with the baby's father just because you are his baby momma. That is not enough. If real love and a future develops down the road so be it, just don't jump into it now. 

Your present husband is hurt that you slept with his friend. That happens. He should get over it in time. If not his loss with his children. Meantime just slog through it. He tries to push you around and **** shame you direct all correspondence through attorneys. Get a formal schedule for pick ups and drops offs drawn up and have him directed by both attorneys to stop **** shaming you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> What is done is done. Keep the baby. Some people are uncomfortable now, that is to be expected. Ignore them, in a few years, especially a decade then 2 decades and more no one, absolutely no one important in your life will care that you have babies from 2, 3 etc different fathers. You will have your own family and that is all that will matter.
> 
> Don't move in with the baby's father just because you are his baby momma. That is not enough. If real love and a future develops down the road so be it, just don't jump into it now.
> 
> Your present husband is hurt that you slept with his friend. That happens. He should get over it in time. If not his loss with his children. Meantime just slog through it. He tries to push you around and **** shame you direct all correspondence through attorneys. Get a formal schedule for pick ups and drops offs drawn up and have him directed by both attorneys to stop **** shaming you.


2 decades from not that guys fiancee is still going to hurt from this. It needs to be said.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> FWIW: I see things differently. She sounds remorseful and wants to do what is best for her family at this point. If she were a skank, she would have been protected and most likely different in who she 'hooked up' with. She's cognizant of her consequences and bad choices. I see this NOW as a, "She who is without sin cast the first stone" situation.


Thank you for thinking I'm not a skank. I know I'm not a skank but I feel like one. I would have gone back on birth control if I had planned to date or hook up. Or at least have had condoms. I would do anything to go back and fix my mistake. I wish I could take the pain away. From everyone. I hate myself for what I did. I'm horrified at what I did.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Why is abortion not an option?


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

sokillme said:


> 2 decades from not that guys fiancee is still going to hurt from this. It needs to be said.


Is there anything that I can do for her? I have told her that I'm sorry. Words mean nothing after what I did. She thinks we had sex more than once and had a relationship because I didn't have an abortion.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

sokillme said:


> 2 decades from not that guys fiancee is still going to hurt from this. It needs to be said.


 @sokillme is right. It needs to be said. What the now ex-fiancee is going through shouldn't be diminished in any way by making light of it, which is what I am getting from the tone of a couple of these posts.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> Why is abortion not an option?


I could still have one. I'm not too far along. I don't want one. That isn't a decision I could live with.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

CmonDionne said:


> @sokillme is right. It needs to be said. What the now ex-fiancee is going through shouldn't be diminished in any way by making light of it, which is what I am getting from the tone of a couple of these posts.


Is that how I am coming across? That is not my intent.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> Don’t ever drink again. You have built up some bad karma and I’m afraid of what might happen next time....seriously!


I don't ever want to drink again.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

struggling2 said:


> CmonDionne said:
> 
> 
> > @sokillme is right. It needs to be said. What the now ex-fiancee is going through shouldn't be diminished in any way by making light of it, which is what I am getting from the tone of a couple of these posts.
> ...


I was referring to TAMers.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> What is done is done. Keep the baby. Some people are uncomfortable now, that is to be expected. Ignore them, in a few years, especially a decade then 2 decades and more no one, absolutely no one important in your life will care that you have babies from 2, 3 etc different fathers. You will have your own family and that is all that will matter.
> 
> Don't move in with the baby's father just because you are his baby momma. That is not enough. If real love and a future develops down the road so be it, just don't jump into it now.
> 
> Your present husband is hurt that you slept with his friend. That happens. He should get over it in time. If not his loss with his children. Meantime just slog through it. He tries to push you around and **** shame you direct all correspondence through attorneys. Get a formal schedule for pick ups and drops offs drawn up and have him directed by both attorneys to stop **** shaming you.


I have to keep telling myself that it won't be like this forever. It's hard to imagine that the day will come when people won't care and it won't be a big deal. My babies father doesn't think poorly of me. He knows the whole situation. I wish my family would at least come around. My mum has never been supportive but I still crave her support. 

I hate baby momma and baby daddy  That's what we are to each other. I guess. We aren't going to move in together right away. He lives an hour away. We have talked about moving in together close to the due date. Depending on how things go. 

I strongly dislike my husband but I feel horrible for what I did to him. If I had slept with anyone other than a friend of his he wouldn't care. Ex's friends are off limits for a reason. Do I tell him to start corresponding through our lawyers instead of directly with me? We have a custody schedule in place. My husband doesn't stick to it. My son called me a f-ing a-hole recently. I don't swear around him. I can assume where he got that from...  Maybe I don't have thick enough skin. Even though we are separated and divorcing it still hurts when my husband trashes me.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

struggling2 said:


> Is that how I am coming across? That is not my intent.




No it is not. Please take whatever good you can from here and ignore the bitter. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> struggling2 said:
> 
> 
> > Is that how I am coming across? That is not my intent.
> ...


If you'd read my response to her correctly you'd have seen I wasn't referring to her. 

But do carry on with your holier than thou attitude.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> I have to keep telling myself that it won't be like this forever. It's hard to imagine that the day will come when people won't care and it won't be a big deal.


Here is how I think about this. For the women who was going to marry that man it will be a life changing event in her life and change her whole future. It will never NOT be that. She will go on and be better off. In the long run anyone is better then marrying someone who sleeps with his friends wife while you are engaged. (Something you need to think about.) That speaks to his very low character and don't give me it was because he was drunk, there are a ton of people you could fill with crack who still wouldn't do that. You don't know this man at all, all you know is his actions, his actions don't speak well of him at all. I also wonder how you would think about this if you didn't get pregnant how much of this regret is because you are pregnant, and how much is it because of her pain. There was a reason you were wiling to pursue this. She will recover yes but she will have to suffer through some years of heart breaking pain. 

No there is nothing you or anyone else can do to fix that.

So no there should never be a day when you don't care. Even when she recovers there will never be a day when she thinks about this that there won't be a twinge of pain, so it's only fair that there should never be a day that when you think about it there shouldn't be a twinge of shame. That's fair, that's the consequences. 

Doesn't mean your life has to stop, you need to do what's best for your kids but this is not the kind of thing where years later it seems like it wasn't a big deal. The two of you have changed a bunch of peoples lives forever. That is a big deal. It's just that big deals or small ones life goes on. You need to do better now.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Here is how I think about this. For the women who was going to marry that man it will be a life changing event in her life and change her whole future. It will never NOT be that. She will go on and be better off. In the long run anyone is better then marrying someone who sleeps with his friends wife while you are engaged. (Something you need to think about.) That speaks to his very low character and don't give me it was because he was drunk. there are a ton of people you could fill with crack who still wouldn't do that. You don't know this man at all, all you know is his actions, his actions don't speak well of him at all. I also wonder how you would think about this if you didn't get pregnant how much of this regret is because you are pregnant, and how much is it because of her pain. She will recover yes but she will have to suffer through some years of heart breaking pain.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I think she has stated all of that and more. Can we please stop twisting the knife?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

struggling2 said:


> Is there anything that I can do for her? I have told her that I'm sorry. Words mean nothing after what I did. She thinks we had sex more than once and had a relationship because I didn't have an abortion.


I'm thinking, stay away from her and keep your mouth shut. She is not going to believe you anyway. Anything you do or say now would be more likely to relieve your guilt than to help her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I think she has stated all of that and more. Can we please stop twisting the knife?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Speaking the truth is not twisting the knife. This isn't and shouldn't be one of those things where we all just forget about it and move on like some of the advice here seems to be. There needs to be some discussion about what is really going on here and how it got to that point. It's telling that she hardly mentions this women in her first post, and she seemed to downplay the fact that it was cheating. It took me bringing her up to even get some focus on that. The true victim in this whole thing is the fiancee, everyone else got consequences from their actions, the fiancee was passive in all this. That women is not a footnote or an afterthought. 

I get it she is very sad about her consequences and maybe even some of her actions, but that is how it should be. You are free to try to comfort her just like I am free to point out the real victim in all this. It's probably better that both voices are here.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

struggling2 said:


> He made a mistake. So did I.


Leaving the lid off the toothpaste is a mistake. Leaving the milk on the counter instead of putting it back in the refrigerator is a mistake.

Flirting, making out, following someone to their bedroom, laying down on the bed and getting undressed then having sex are all a series of *choices*.

Drunk or not, you knew he was engaged....for 15 years. You are probably not his first ONS. That's probably how he was able to tolerate being engaged for 15 years with no commitment.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am going to say this again - you really need to stop sugar coating this and wake/grow up!

What I said in my last post was not harsh at all. I think it is the best advice you could get and when you stop feeling sorry for yourself, and go back and re-read what I haves said to you, especially about getting some individual counselling before deciding any thing AND about putting this "relationship" on hold till you do.

And stop trying to justify the POS's behaviour by saying he is a good man - he most certainly is not! Your husband (stbx albeit) should have knocked the sh!t out of him as should his ex-fiancee's family. And your husband is wise not allow contact with your existing kid - that is just good parenting.

You had not really specified the story behind your separation/divorce but it is wise not to behave irresponsibly until your divorce is final. 



struggling2 said:


> My husband and I have many mutual friends. When we separated we both kept the same friends but stopped seeing each other. I don't go out with my friends if my husband is in attendance. We have a son and that has made it a lot easier to avoid each other since he is almost always with one of us. In October I was hanging out with my friends and drinking. I am not much of a drinker. I have social anxiety and it was really bad that night so I drank more than I normally do. I had 7 or 8 drinks in less than two hours. I had sex with a friend of mine. That friend is also a friend of my husband's. That isn't something that I would normally do. I had never hooked up with anyone. I only had sex in a serious relationship. I'm not blaming the alcohol. I chose to drink that much and to drink it so quickly. I can barely remember what happened. I don't remember how we got to the point of having sex. My memory goes from being with all of my friends to being upstairs having sex with him to thinking for a second that I should stop it to being done and falling asleep to waking up and puking my guts out and falling asleep on the bathroom floor. I have never been that drunk. I have never thrown up from drinking and have never had memory problems. *My friend filled in a lot of the gaps but his memory of it is vastly different than my own. *
> 
> _*Oh I am sure he did!*_
> 
> ...


And finally, this is not about your husband (and you know it) so I am not sure why some others are on the warpath against him here. This is not about you cheating on your husband!!!! It is about you cheating with a man who was taken/engaged!!! The fact that you assumed we were thinking that you cheated on your husband instead of the poor fiancee tells me you have some work ahead of you in counselling.

Once again don't rush into any decisions before you get help and take a long, hard and honest look at the situation. I do wish you the best and hope you get the help you need but I will not sugarcoat it as that is not helpful.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> Leaving the lid off the toothpaste is a mistake. Leaving the milk on the counter instead of putting it back in the refrigerator is a mistake.
> 
> Flirting, making out, following someone to their bedroom, laying down on the bed and getting undressed then having sex are all a series of *choices*.
> 
> Drunk or not, you knew he was engaged....for 15 years. You are probably not his first ONS. That's probably how he was able to tolerate being engaged for 15 years with no commitment.


Are we sure they were engaged for 15 years or just in a relationship for 15 years. I take it they have been together for 15 years. 

You're not wrong by the way. The one good thing that comes out of this is this poor women is free from this awful guy. Hope she gets some help and heals and meets someone better.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Never intended to minimize the effects the betrayal would have on the betrayed fiance. Hopefully 2 decades from now this event will not be the defining moment of her whole life, that better things have happened and she is at peace with it all.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

struggling2 said:


> I have to keep telling myself that it won't be like this forever. It's hard to imagine that the day will come when people won't care and it won't be a big deal. My babies father doesn't think poorly of me. He knows the whole situation. I wish my family would at least come around. My mum has never been supportive but I still crave her support.
> 
> *I hate baby momma and baby daddy  That's what we are to each other. I guess.* We aren't going to move in together right away. He lives an hour away. We have talked about moving in together close to the due date. Depending on how things go.
> 
> I strongly dislike my husband but I feel horrible for what I did to him. If I had slept with anyone other than a friend of his he wouldn't care. Ex's friends are off limits for a reason. Do I tell him to start corresponding through our lawyers instead of directly with me? We have a custody schedule in place. My husband doesn't stick to it. My son called me a f-ing a-hole recently. I don't swear around him. I can assume where he got that from...  Maybe I don't have thick enough skin. Even though we are separated and divorcing it still hurts when my husband trashes me.


That is is all you are to each other at this time. The result of a one night stand. You could abort or keep it. You live with the results of the choice. 

What you did was not good and will affect everyone involved forever. But you can't undo the results unless you abort. Even then it still happened. It being bad still does not give people license to hurl repeated abuse at you, especially since you are pregnant. 

Kicking a down dog is bad enough but repeatedly kicking a pregnant one is beyond the pale. Bad form, bad manners and says more about the abuser than the abused.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

Sokillme - I haven’t talked about his fiancée a lot because I didn’t write here to talk about her. I know what I did was wrong I know that she is hurting. I know that I caused that pain. I know that I will always be part of the cause of her pain. I am hurting too and I know that is my fault. I know she didn’t deserve what I and her fiancé did to her. I know she did not put herself in this situation. I can know how badly another woman is hurting and still need support for myself. Or do I not ever deserve to be treated with kindness and have support of my own? Is the rest of my life supposed to be about her?

I am not trying to downplay cheating. I am separated from my husband. I didn’t cheat on him. My babies father did cheat on his fiancée. I participated in that. I know that. What you have wrote does hurt. I don’t need to hurt anymore than I already do. I regret all of my actions. Not just the consequences. Intended or not you words do hurt. 

Araucaria - I’m not blaming my actions on being drunk… I can’t tell you what I was thinking because I don’t remember. When we were having sex I knew I should have stopped it and you’re right that was a choice. It is a fact that I have never been that drunk and it did influence my decision making. Or lack thereof. It is not an excuse. I made whatever choices got me there. A choice can be a mistake. A mistake is an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong. I was wrong. I know I was wrong. I don’t need to be told that. 

They were together for 15 years. They got engaged this year. He has only cheated once. 

Manfromlamancha - Your words hurt a lot. This is why I don’t want to go to support groups or a therapist. I don’t want to be treated like this. I should have an abortion and let everyone else go on with their lives. Let myself suffer alone

I’m done. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have wrote here. Or anywhere. I’m sorry


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

struggling2 said:


> Sokillme - I haven’t talked about his fiancée a lot because I didn’t write here to talk about her. I know what I did was wrong I know that she is hurting. I know that I caused that pain. I know that I will always be part of the cause of her pain. I am hurting too and I know that is my fault. I know she didn’t deserve what I and her fiancé did to her. I know she did not put herself in this situation. I can know how badly another woman is hurting and still need support for myself. Or do I not ever deserve to be treated with kindness and have support of my own? Is the rest of my life supposed to be about her?
> 
> I am not trying to downplay cheating. I am separated from my husband. I didn’t cheat on him. My babies father did cheat on his fiancée. I participated in that. I know that. What you have wrote does hurt. I don’t need to hurt anymore than I already do. I regret all of my actions. Not just the consequences. Intended or not you words do hurt.
> 
> ...


You don't need to apologize on an anonymous bulletin board for being honest. 

If you think you need thicker skin practicing online is a good way to start. I suggest you stay. 

I really hope for your sake you stick around and get advice that is useful for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> Sokillme - I haven’t talked about his fiancée a lot because I didn’t write here to talk about her. I know what I did was wrong I know that she is hurting. I know that I caused that pain. I know that I will always be part of the cause of her pain. I am hurting too and I know that is my fault. I know she didn’t deserve what I and her fiancé did to her. I know she did not put herself in this situation. I can know how badly another woman is hurting and still need support for myself. Or do I not ever deserve to be treated with kindness and have support of my own? Is the rest of my life supposed to be about her?
> 
> I am not trying to downplay cheating. I am separated from my husband. I didn’t cheat on him. My babies father did cheat on his fiancée. I participated in that. I know that. What you have wrote does hurt. I don’t need to hurt anymore than I already do. I regret all of my actions. Not just the consequences. Intended or not you words do hurt.
> 
> ...


Well I hope you stick around enough to read this since I am taking the time to write it. 

First of all you shouldn't have an abortion especially if it goes against you morals, it's not going to change anything and it's not fair to the innocent life that is growing inside of you. (I'm sure I will get some flack for that.) At least in that sense that is one of the noble things you've have done in the aftermath.

It's unfortunate my words hurt but why do they hurt it's not because of me it's because what I said was true. It hurts because it's what you have done. Again it should hurt it shows you at least have a conscience. Accept it and yes think about it. You should be thinking about it, pain like this is the catalyst for change. Trying to stamp down the pain never helped anyone. You have made a mess of things, now how are you going to clean it up? 

I understand what Manfromlamancha is trying to get across in his posts though he says it a lot harsher then I would. It's what I think I posted in my first response to you. I really don't think I or anyone else will be helping you if we say "there there dear, it's OK we understand." If you are looking for that here then you are right this is probably not the best place for you to land. Most of us here are pretty blunt and we call it like we see it. 

However if you really want to be challenged and grow if you really want to start getting better then it's my contention that this is one of the better places on the web. 

I believe from how your posts read you need to be challenged and it's time for you to grow and mature. Your post still come across like you were passive in all the decisions that got you to this point. The truth is you weren't. You are her because of a series of deliberate bad choices. Now in diving into what you said I think that some of your decisions probably happened because you have some social anxiety. I also wonder if you were feeling down about yourself because of your pending divorce and this guy, who is obviously a player saw that and used it as an in. But if that was the case, if you did do some of this stuff because you were feeling bad about your broken marriage then it's the same kind of thinking that you are displaying here and you need to stop this NOW.

To focus in on that point, are you thinking about marrying this guy ALSO because you are feeling down on yourself? If you are you are just compounding one bad decision with another. Again this shows how feeling sorry for yourself or down on yourself is not the way to deal with this. That needs to stop NOW.

The time for feeling sorry for yourself is over. It's one thing to feel sorry for yourself because bad things happen, that is not unusual especially when you are young. It's quite another when you are feeling sorry because you did bad things to others. At that point the time for sorrow is over and it becomes time for action. You need to start doing better in your life, the pity party has to end and you need to start making changes. You need to do this most of all for your kid and the one coming. 

Part of that is thinking forward about what you decision making will lead you to. I am not sure your age but doing this comes with maturity and like the other posters said I think you need to grow up a little bit. You need to stop acting like you are passive in what happens to you in life. Your not, and no one who is honest with you is going to think that anyway. Besides you want to be assertive in your life because it's a better way to live and you will have a better life. 

That means getting IC, if it's like I suspect that you have low self esteem then you need to work on that. If it's partly because of your relationship with your parents, as you have noted, again work to figure that out and how that effects your decision making. You keep implying that these actions are not who you are, but you're wrong it IS who you are you need to accept that. Same with the Baby Mama thing. There is no choice here it is what it is. The way to deal with that is to accept it and then work to make it better. Not fight reality, not feeling sad, nope the mountain isn't going to go away, you are gonna have to climb it. 

I am also interested in what you think was the problems that ended your marriage, is this another area where you had no influence in what happened and the bad marriage just happened to you? Did you contribute to the problems? Who broke it off you or him?

The best example I can think of are the people who have done really bad things and end up in jail (note: I am not comparing your actions to that). But the only people who truly change accept that they are totally responsible for what they did, they don't couch it by saying stuff like (but don't I deserve a little sympathy?), nope they accept it and then they spend the rest of their life trying to live a productive and good life. That's really it. You should take that tact. The time for crying is over, it's time now to work and change. 

The bottom line is you have had and still have agency in your life. You are where you are because of the choices you made, you can feel bad about that and look for sympathy. You can stay stuck in your head, or you can accept it and look for advice and try to change and make it better. 

What's it gonna be?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

struggling2 said:


> Sokillme - I haven’t talked about his fiancée a lot because I didn’t write here to talk about her. I know what I did was wrong I know that she is hurting. I know that I caused that pain. I know that I will always be part of the cause of her pain. I am hurting too and I know that is my fault. I know she didn’t deserve what I and her fiancé did to her. I know she did not put herself in this situation. I can know how badly another woman is hurting and still need support for myself. Or do I not ever deserve to be treated with kindness and have support of my own? Is the rest of my life supposed to be about her?
> 
> I am not trying to downplay cheating. I am separated from my husband. I didn’t cheat on him. My babies father did cheat on his fiancée. I participated in that. I know that. What you have wrote does hurt. I don’t need to hurt anymore than I already do. I regret all of my actions. Not just the consequences. Intended or not you words do hurt.
> 
> ...


Hi Struggling,

When you post on an online forum, you will get many opinions. Some may be very rude and unhelpful. Maybe something about your story triggered something in them and that's why they are reacting so strongly. You may want to learn who to disregard and who to pay attention to. 

You do deserve support right now and also to share your story in a place where you can be encouraged. All you owe anything to right now is yourself, your son and your baby. You need to take care of yourself and your body so that the baby can grow healthy and strong. You are in a difficult situation but you know what? You'll get through it one day at a time and you don't need to be around people who are treating you like crap, such as your ex husband and old friends. Focus on you, your son and the baby, the new guy can even take a backseat at this time, you don't need to rush a relationship with him yet, either.


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## struggling2 (Dec 23, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I am also interested in what you think was the problems that ended your marriage, is this another area where you had no influence in what happened and the bad marriage just happened to you? Did you contribute to the problems? Who broke it off you or him?


Why? So you can blame me for that too? 

The man that my husband is now is not the man whom I married. I married a man who was kind, caring and loving. I’m divorcing a man who is hateful, cold and self-centred. He stopped caring. He stopping seeing me. He stopped loving me. I was no longer worth the effort. He refused to spend even a minute of his day with me. I would stand near him and it was like I was invisible. I would touch him and he physically pushed me away. I would ask for help and he would refuse. I would tell him I needed more from him and he would laugh it off. I begged my husband to change. I begged him to go to a marriage therapist with me. I begged him to read the umpteen marriage books I bought. How many times was I supposed to let him put his hands on me aggressively? How many nights was I supposed to let my heart break when he refused to kiss me? When he told me not to touch him? When he refused to touch me? How many problems was I suppose to tackle on my own with no support or acknowledgement from my husband? How long was I suppose to let my son learn that was what a marriage looked like? How long was I supposed to force it? How many major decisions was I supposed to allow him to make and change? I threw in the towel in March and filed in April. He didn’t care. It didn’t knock any sense into him. 

Last Christmas I was trying to carry my sons gifts out of my mother-in-law’s house. My husband left and got in the car without helping carry anything or take our son out. A cousin’s boyfriend helped me. All he did was help me by carrying out a box. That made me cry and it felt like the nicest thing someone could do. There are so many of those moments scattered throughout my marriage. That tiny moment was my breaking point. 

I met my husband in 2010. We married August 2013. We started trying for a baby and I got pregnant on our honeymoon. At 16 weeks I miscarried. 3 months later I was pregnant again. 6 weeks later I miscarried again. 5 months later I was pregnant again. 7 weeks later I miscarried again. We stopped trying and gave up. January 2015 I got pregnant without us planning it. My husband refused to partake in the pregnancy. He refused to bond with the baby. He refused to support me. He refused to help me. Instead he pretended that my pregnancy was non-existent. He never changed. My marriage has been over for years. 

I’m sure it’s all my fault.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

struggling2 said:


> Jlg - I didn't cheat on my husband. We separated in March. I shouldn't have done it I know. Am I wrong? Is the separation irrelevant and I cheated on him? I'm not a cheater
> 
> If he's a bad person for what he did then I'm just as bad because I did the same thing  If I shouldn't want him because of that then shouldn't he feel the same way?
> 
> ...


My apologies Struggling2, I misread your original post and thought you had cheated on him. I certainly do NOT want to add to your problem or cause more stress.
As for no church wanting you, not true. You COULD pursue that but if you are not religious, then probably NOT the correct avenue for you. You still need to get counseling for this to help you process everything.
Also, DO NOT blame yourself for your husbands actions -- that is on him. You cannot control him at all -- he is responsible for himself. You are responsible for YOUR actions. Not sure why he would act like this with your child -- seems to ME that he was already out of the marriage in his head. Is there any chance that HE was cheating on you towards the end?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Struggling2, there is no doubt in my mind your son's foul outburst to you was precipitated by your soon to be ex's continuous ranting. Shame on him. He has shown what he is really like, who he really is. Allowing, indeed encouraging your son to talk to you - his mother like that tells me us everything we need to know what it was like being married to him. 

Be happy to have him out of your life and who cares what he thinks. If the outbursts and shaming continue file a harassment complaint and just work through lawyers. A good place to start is him having to stick to the agreed upon schedule without fail. Document non compliance along with the shaming through attorneys. 

As for your son do you have a father or brother who can talk to him man to man and tell him that his outburst is completely unacceptable and to knock it off now?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get a fair divorce. These consequences you are going through doesn't change that. You need a fair settlement. Don't accept a 12 month period of not seeing others.

Do not marry the babies father you don't need a Third issue and end up going through another divorce.

If he cheated on his fiancé more than likely he'll cheat on you. 

Your first child's grandmother helping out is ok. She has ties to her grandchild but you need a strict no contact with your soon to be X husband.

Lay off the booze permanently. You have two children to raise now. Think of them. 

You have a lot on your plate at such a young age. Time to put everything else behind you.

Leave the X fiancé alone. You can't fix that now.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Good Morning Struggling,

I know i am coming late into this story, and much of what i say has been posted by others and better i might add. 

Husband (soon to be ex) But here is how i see it.....when your husband noted to you that he could have made this worked out if you had not been pregnant is BS. Stop listening to his rants, because there are just that rants from someone who is trying to mess with your mind. Any he has should be directed at himself...and i would remind him that he was not a great husband and father almost from the beginning. And frankly he is and will most likely use your son as a pawn so you need to tell him that cut that out if possible...your relationship with your son is the most important thing now. 

PS i'm with others here, he does not get to change the rules of your divorce because your pregnant, again this reflect what kind of jerk he is. 

Your baby father's ex. At the end of the day, its not your problem....yeah you may be a reason (not the only reason) they ended their relationship, but don't assume it was that great in the first place...waiting 14 years to get engaged sound more out of pressure than deep seeded love. Yeah she is upset and will be until she meets someone else. remember you can't fix what you don't own and this is not yours to own, take it off your shoulders. 

baby daddy, he may or may not be the love of your life...whose to say but right now not go into a relationship with him while your going through this pregnancy and divorce. Frankly, i think he has commitment issues, but again time will tell. Right now he just has to be a good support system for your pregnancy and that is it. 

Friends....look i would think of divorcing them as well...unless they show that they are willing to support you, then assume they are there just to watch your life unfold so they have stories to share with others. 

The only things you should be focused on is your son and your pregnancy, everything else is noise. And stop this labeling crap...it does not help the situation, the only labels here is mother, worker, ex-wife...

now here is what i need to know.....when you first posted you noted you need support...can you please elaborate that kind of support you need ?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> Why is abortion not an option?





struggling2 said:


> I could still have one. I'm not too far along. I don't want one. That isn't a decision I could live with.





struggling2 said:


> Thank you for thinking I'm not a skank. I know I'm not a skank but I feel like one. I would have gone back on birth control if I had planned to date or hook up. Or at least have had condoms. *I would do anything to go back and fix my mistake*. I wish I could take the pain away. From everyone. I hate myself for what I did. I'm horrified at what I did.


That's why I brought it up. It seems to me it could be the easiest decision to live. Do you think a relationship with the father is going to work? Keep in mind he cheated on his fiance....

Do you want to be a twice divorced mother of two children from two fathers, and would that be better than a once divorced mother of one child? 

Imagine how hectic two children being sent back and forth between 3 different people will be.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

struggling2 said:


> Why? So you can blame me for that too?
> 
> The man that my husband is now is not the man whom I married. I married a man who was kind, caring and loving. I’m divorcing a man who is hateful, cold and self-centred. He stopped caring. He stopping seeing me. He stopped loving me. I was no longer worth the effort. He refused to spend even a minute of his day with me. I would stand near him and it was like I was invisible. I would touch him and he physically pushed me away. I would ask for help and he would refuse. I would tell him I needed more from him and he would laugh it off. I begged my husband to change. I begged him to go to a marriage therapist with me. I begged him to read the umpteen marriage books I bought. How many times was I supposed to let him put his hands on me aggressively? How many nights was I supposed to let my heart break when he refused to kiss me? When he told me not to touch him? When he refused to touch me? How many problems was I suppose to tackle on my own with no support or acknowledgement from my husband? How long was I suppose to let my son learn that was what a marriage looked like? How long was I supposed to force it? How many major decisions was I supposed to allow him to make and change? I threw in the towel in March and filed in April. He didn’t care. It didn’t knock any sense into him.
> 
> ...


Look, Struggling2, i get it. Your stbxh is a grade A a$$h0le !!! And you are absolutely right to get away from him. All you have done now is arm him with more stuff to torture you with. The intent of my posts was to wake you up as you come across as immature and irresponsible. Sure, everyone makes mistakes but this was just downright irresponsible. 

I wish I could write more like @sokillme.

He echoes my sentiment exactly but perhaps in a less harsh way.

You need help and you should get it before making any serious decisions.

Like sokillme, I too am pro-life as much as I can be and so I would never advise abortion. But you need to sort yourself out before thinking about this.

One thing that I am sure of is you need to get away from the POS baby daddy for the time being. He just needs to step up in supporting you with the baby if that is what you decide.





sokillme said:


> Well I hope you stick around enough to read this since I am taking the time to write it.
> 
> First of all you shouldn't have an abortion especially if it goes against you morals, it's not going to change anything and it's not fair to the innocent life that is growing inside of you. (I'm sure I will get some flack for that.) At least in that sense that is one of the noble things you've have done in the aftermath.
> 
> ...


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> manwithnoname said:
> 
> 
> > Why is abortion not an option?
> ...


Easiest decision for who? In case you missed it, she was there when he cheated. OP has already stated that this 'option' is unacceptable to her.

The 'inconvenience' of ferrying children back and forth between households, I would hope, would not be a determining factor in whether they get to live or not.

Sheesh.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

struggling2 said:


> Why? So you can blame me for that too?
> 
> The man that my husband is now is not the man whom I married. I married a man who was kind, caring and loving. I’m divorcing a man who is hateful, cold and self-centred. He stopped caring. He stopping seeing me. He stopped loving me. I was no longer worth the effort. He refused to spend even a minute of his day with me. I would stand near him and it was like I was invisible. I would touch him and he physically pushed me away. I would ask for help and he would refuse. I would tell him I needed more from him and he would laugh it off. I begged my husband to change. I begged him to go to a marriage therapist with me. I begged him to read the umpteen marriage books I bought. How many times was I supposed to let him put his hands on me aggressively? How many nights was I supposed to let my heart break when he refused to kiss me? When he told me not to touch him? When he refused to touch me? How many problems was I suppose to tackle on my own with no support or acknowledgement from my husband? How long was I suppose to let my son learn that was what a marriage looked like? How long was I supposed to force it? How many major decisions was I supposed to allow him to make and change? I threw in the towel in March and filed in April. He didn’t care. It didn’t knock any sense into him.
> 
> ...


I brought this up because I was trying to get a sense of how that relationship went it will be relevant to how your relationships go moving forward. How did you meet this man? It sounds like you have some self-esteem problems and that might have lead to this, maybe because of the way he treated you. Whether or not you believe it I am trying to help you. 

As far as your friends go, if the Fiancee was a friend of theirs you can't blame them from cutting contact with you, hopefully him as well. She deserves their sympathy. Having gone through one of these things where someone blows up your whole crowd, this is a hard thing for everyone. But the right thing to do is to pick the innocent party. Again consequences.

Do you have any friends who were not in that social circle?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

CmonDionne said:


> Easiest decision for who? In case you missed it, she was there when he cheated. OP has already stated that this 'option' is unacceptable to her.
> 
> The 'inconvenience' of ferrying children back and forth between households, I would hope, would not be a determining factor in whether they get to live or not.
> 
> Sheesh.


Well I wasn't really addressing you, so.....sheesh.

You are one of those people who can't stand anything other than your own views.

Thanks for clearing up that she was there when he cheated, I kinda figured that one out early on...and that abortion was not an option. My question was why it wasn't an option.

OP also has issues with pick up/drop off of the child she already has.

My view is that a relationship with the father of the unborn child is not a good idea, and also my view that abortion would be the closest thing to undoing everything.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I brought this up because I was trying to get a sense of how that relationship went it will be relevant to how your relationships go moving forward. How did you meet this man? It sounds like you have some self-esteem problems and that might have lead to this, maybe because of the way he treated you. Whether or not you believe it I am trying to help you.
> 
> As far as your friends go, if the Fiancee was a friend of theirs you can't blame them from cutting contact with you, hopefully him as well. She deserves their sympathy. Having gone through one of these things where someone blows up your whole crowd, this is a hard thing for everyone. But the right thing to do is to pick the innocent party. Again consequences.
> 
> Do you have any friends who were not in that social circle?


Reading your descriptions of your STBX gave me cold chills. My now longtime Ex treated me almost exactly the same. Discount anything he says now as he has emotionally abused you for years. Nothing you could have done would be enough, its all about him.

As @sokillme says STBX's treatment of you causes you to question yourself and plays havoc with your self-esteem. Please seek support in IC for yourself and for your growing family. 

I am doing well BTW. You, too, can use your experiences to become a stronger person.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> WMy view is that a relationship with the father of the unborn child is not a good idea, and also my view that abortion would be the closest thing to undoing everything.


I don't agree with this, having an abortion when you don't want one even if is expedient would be a huge mistake. She says this is not her thinking, so her thinking will always be that way so then she will have just done another thing that she regrets for the rest of her life. 

I think she is actually trying to do the right thing here. It just she is going to have to get used to the fact that this is her life going forward. She needs to be strong but also get some help. There is a reason she got to this place, and that is what she needs to work on.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

struggling2 said:


> I met my husband in 2010. We married August 2013. We started trying for a baby and I got pregnant on our honeymoon. At 16 weeks I miscarried. 3 months later I was pregnant again. 6 weeks later I miscarried again. 5 months later I was pregnant again. 7 weeks later I miscarried again. We stopped trying and gave up. January 2015 I got pregnant without us planning it. My husband refused to partake in the pregnancy. He refused to bond with the baby. He refused to support me. He refused to help me. Instead he pretended that my pregnancy was non-existent. He never changed. My marriage has been over for years.
> 
> I’m sure it’s all my fault.


It's none of his business who you are with now, it's unfortunate that it is one of his friends but that's the way the cookie crumbled. The only way it concerns him is if the new guy is around your son. Sounds like he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. You could apologize to the new guy's fiance but chances are she doesn't want to talk to you. You have a history of miscarriages, it's important to take of your physical health right now, which includes not getting too emotionally upset.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I read where you said "no church would want me now".

That's not true in a good church. If you desire, and it is likely to be good for you - reach out in faith. 

If churches were only for perfect folks, no one would attend. 

Perhaps someone can recommend. And it may be easier talking with new persons than others involved in your social circle. 

Before others share negative thoughts on this potential source of support and perhaps counseling- yes, it should be a good church with resources. 

There may be good persons who will listen in love and without judgment, as a sounding board, and also share with you no one but Christ is perfect. 

Not one other person.

Strength and support to you and yours.

RR


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Violet28 said:


> You have a history of miscarriages, it's important to take of your physical health right now, which includes not getting too emotionally upset.



Yes & I’m disgusted by the treatment that she’s getting here considering her current circumstances. Must be the holiday cheer 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You didn't cheat. Your STBX should butt out. 

The father of your child IS a cheat. He wont be a worthy partner to you, and to try and force a relationship is foolish. 

I feel that your refusal to terminate or put the child up for adoption is nothing but selfish. Plan B would have been the smart, responsible thing to do in this situation. The coming child's best interest is not being considered here by the irresponsible adults he/she will sadly be tied to forever now. Let the child go to a loving family so they can live a good life, and you can move on to something better than this mess of a man. 

You sound like a good person, and I am sorry you got yourself into this mess.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

There’s no reason that OP cannot provide a loving home for this child.


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