# 1 night mistake ruining my life....



## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

We have been married for over 23 years and 2 wonderful children, 1 drunken night 5 years ago I asked my wife for anal sex and we attempted it - WRONG!

Since then our sex life has dropped from once per month to once every 2/3 months.

6 weeks ago there has been a strain on our marriage and we sat down to talk and I mentioned that I would like to try anal sex and that she had FULL control - NO CHANCE was the reply, but she is insistent that we have vaginal sex (once every couple of months).

Since then our relationship is none existent with no touching as she feels that "leads me on". She wants me to guarantee that I will be faithful (which I have been for the past 23 years).

I now feel that one night 5 years ago is ruining our lives and marriage.

I try talking to her about anal sex and she then asks if I am gay- I do not know what to do and I am considering leaving after 23 years, but I do not want to through it all away.

Any suggestions...


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

This all seems to be centred around the desire for anal sex. She is still communicating with you but you haven't said whether there's been any exchange of feelings behind desiring this form of sex. She is clearly uncomfortable with it, and by you insisting that she allow it then you're making it very hard for her to be comfortable with you at all. 

You have a long-standing faithful marriage. The trust you have is very important. But now you need to communicate your feelings and desires effectively, and listen to her own, as well as be sensitive to her own needs and desires. Hope this helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Once a month is pretty low to begin with, so I am surmising that yor W isn't exactly a big fan of sex. Sounds to me as if the anal attempt was just the excuse she was looking for to bang even less. 

Your bigger issue should be upping the frequency. Now she can get away with ignoring your needs for months at a clip. Anal? Just get back to the vanilla sex at a good once or twice a week even before that subject reimurges.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

I have tried to discuss it at length but she will not...any pointers in communicate my feelings and desires effectively.





Weathered said:


> This all seems to be centred around the desire for anal sex. She is still communicating with you but you haven't said whether there's been any exchange of feelings behind desiring this form of sex. She is clearly uncomfortable with it, and by you insisting that she allow it then you're making it very hard for her to be comfortable with you at all.
> 
> You have a long-standing faithful marriage. The trust you have is very important. But now you need to communicate your feelings and desires effectively, and listen to her own, as well as be sensitive to her own needs and desires. Hope this helps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> Since then our relationship is none existent with no touching as she feels that "leads me on". She wants me to guarantee that I will be faithful (which I have been for the past 23 years).


I really don't get this type of logic. How can someone put so much emphasis on the fidelity of the relationship when they're obviously putting almost zero effort in trying to satisfy their partner? I'm not advocating that withholding sex is a valid excuse for cheating but they're sure as hell signing up for disaster when they continuously withhold intimacy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I just love women like this. They want you to remain faithful while they don't have sex. Crazy.

Look she was just looking for an excuse to end the sex all together. That's all this was.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

There are other things too, as we moved 3 years ago to do a barn conversion that went wrong - still doing it should be completed by next April.

I set up a new business that is extremely successful (work around 70 hours per week), wife has been depressed for the past 18 months, but I have been supportive EVERY time. I have put all the money into the build myself.

So there are other factors, not making excuses for her. Our sex life before children was excellent but we do not have the opportunity and now with my A issue things are unbearable.

Last night I was awake all night thinking of what to do...




40isthenew20 said:


> Once a month is pretty low to begin with, so I am surmising that yor W isn't exactly a big fan of sex. Sounds to me as if the anal attempt was just the excuse she was looking for to bang even less.
> 
> Your bigger issue should be upping the frequency. Now she can get away with ignoring your needs for months at a clip. Anal? Just get back to the vanilla sex at a good once or twice a week even before that subject reimurges.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stop being so supportive. Does she care about your needs?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

something deeper here than the anal part,time to get to the bottom of things.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm guessing you wife has some resentment here. I can account for 3 of the 5 years where your wife may have developed resentment: a 3 year barn conversion project that maybe you suggested and she went along with reluctantly? Now a successful business that takes every moment of your spare time. Think back and see if there was something else around 5 years ago where you may have gotten your way on something that she was against but caved in on? 

That's my guess - resentment over choices that you made that she gave in on. Unless of course there is more to the story.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

67flh said:


> something deeper here than the anal part,time to get to the bottom of things.


wise-ass


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

what is your problem now?
do you want more vaginal sex, or are you wanting more anal sex?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> I have tried to discuss it at length but she will not...any pointers in communicate my feelings and desires effectively.


if you are talking about communicating your feelings and desires for anal sex... don't. You already struck out on that one.

If you mean your feelings and desires about sex in the marriage, try:

"Honey, as much as I love you, and I do, an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship is necessary to make this marriage work. It is a need that I have and I'm not going to apologize for having that need.

"Your needs are being met. If we can't get back on track regarding our sexual relationship, I can't meet your needs and if I can't do that, this marriage is over. I won't live like your roommate."

HOWEVER, as others suggested there is more to this that a five-year old request for anal sex. Better figure out what it is and make sure you ARE meeting her needs before starting this discussion.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have to ask.... Which is more important anal or your marriage? You know she doesn't want it. Show her some respect just drop it.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I just went through this anal request with my wife.
I told her I had a desire to do her anally. She said NO WAY. I respect that and will never bring it up again.
She said that fantasy will remain a fantasy, and I respect her enough to accept that.
I am left with only thinking about anal while masturbating...I must accept that this is all I will ever know of it.
If you love and respect your wife, you should do as I have done. Otherwise you'll be lucky to ever see PIV again.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> We have been married for over 23 years and 2 wonderful children, 1 drunken night 5 years ago I asked my wife for anal sex and we attempted it - WRONG!
> 
> Since then our sex life has dropped from once per month to once every 2/3 months.
> 
> ...


I'm unclear on something. You say you used to have sex once a month, and now that you are down to once every 2/3 months that it is ruined?

Were you actually happy with once a month, because most guys aren't.

Frankly, I see this issue about anal as an excuse for lower the frequency and I suspect she wasn't even into sex before hand when it was once a month. This issue with anal is just a reason to avoid sex even further. 

From what I gather, the two of your agreed to try it (so no forced action) it went wrong, game over. It's fine if she doesn't want to try anal again, but to go five years of essentially four to six times a year of sex as a result of this is just wrong. Either she needs to get some conselling on this issue or she's just found a way to get out of sex with you.

Additionally, I find it odd she is asking if you're faithful. Unless you've given her cause to question this (it seems you haven't though) then she has no reason to ask this. Frankly it gives me a red flag, as one sign of a cheating spouse is they will often ask if you are being faithful. Asking if you're faithful and very little interest in sex with you would cause me to start investigating if she's getting it on elsewhere.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

What happened that night OP?
What was 'WRONG'?

There is more to this story I'm 100% sure. 
Something happened that night that flicked a switch in her head.

Why did every start to change after that drunken nights attempt at anal... what was 'WRONG'??


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

There are definitely MANY other layers of issues that you need to peel through before you even worry about anal.

In regards to the anal thing....DROP IT. Don't ever mention it again. Your wife can't stand it so you need to let it go. That won't change on her end. Some women like it, most dont but NONE "learn to like it". 

My wife used to enjoy anal in previous relationships (before me). We tried it and she mildly enjoyed me just inserting. She couldn't handle me moving. I'm not long but I'm girthy. It wasn't enjoyable for her. We'll use toys there, but not me. And I'm 100% fine with it. It's not an issue of her being more "open" to previous lovers, it's 100% based on what's actually enjoyable. I'm not going to get a thrill when I know she's not loving it.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Only having any kind of sex once per month is close enough to the two of you being merely roommates that I can't see how skipping a month would make any difference.
Given my past experience, I would be investigating the possibility of her getting more, elsewhere.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> I have tried to discuss *it* at length but she will not...any pointers in communicate my feelings and desires effectively.


I'm sorry but this whole thread is confusing. You said you tried to discuss IT at length.....what was it you tried to discuss? The idea of having anal sex or the fact that you are only getting sex once every few months? 
Like a couple of others, I'm not sure exactly what you are saying your problem is. If it is the lack of anal sex, drop it. Its done. Its over. It ain't gonna happen. At least not now. If it is the lack of sex in general, then that is another matter that you need to discuss directly with your wife. I find it hard to believe that one night of a bad anal experience would all of a sudden shoot your wife's libido down. You need to have more discussions with your wife to get to the bottom of your issues.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> I find it hard to believe that one night of a bad anal experience would all of a sudden shoot your wife's libido down.
> 
> .


Really?

Men have the ability to really really hurt women during sex... if they chose to. Women are very vulnerable at this time and they know... that's why trust is very important.

'Bad anal' could leads to weeks of pain and discomfort...trust me I've seen it during my time nursing....male and female.

I get the feeling the trust was broken that night and he hurt her. Might be wrong but that my gut instinct here.

He uses the words like 'mistake', 'giving her FULL control next time'

I reckon what happened LAST (drunken mistake time) time is the key here.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Firstly, as a woman who has tried anal, it is NOT always pleasurable for us. I have told my husband that absolutely, no way, it's not happening again. It was the single worst pain in my life. Didn't help that we didn't do it right, so now I'm terrified of hurting myself down there. Point: anal is NOT that important. Some women love it, some women can force themselves through it, other women hate the very idea of it. My husband has a butt fetish. I definitely don't. I told him that I'll do pretty much anything else with him, but that is off limits. 

You need to respect your wife's boundaries and forget about anal. Honestly, it's not that important. Getting your sexual needs met on a more consistent basis is FAR more important. 

I knew a guy who divorced his wife because she wouldn't give him a rim job. Those kinds of things shouldn't ruin marriages. If you keep focusing on anal, you are going to make ALL sex wretched for her. I love pleasuring my husband for the fact that he DOESN'T push his fantasies on me. And ya know, one day, I may just try anal sex again because he has been so respectful of my boundaries. 

Now, your wife is wrong for only making love to you once a month or less. A lot of things can play into a woman's drive, but even I can force myself when I'm practically falling asleep more often than once a month. That is utterly selfish of her, and that is what you need to focus on: the frequency of vanilla sex. And if you never get anal? That should be just fine, otherwise, imo, your priorities are way, way off.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

A woman's libido is effected by a lot of things, physical and emotional. When my husband and I tried anal, I burst into tears and cried for ten minutes. If he had pestered me about trying again, like the OP seems to be doing, my libido would have shot to zero. Course, I would have told him exactly why he wasn't getting sex.

FTR, that is the ONLY reason I would ever willfully deny my husband sex. When either spouse becomes selfishly focused on one thing that isn't even important in a relationship(like anal and rim jobs), that means respect is gone and the other person is now a mere object of sexual pleasure. NOT SEXY. Sex should be mutually satisfying, and neither spouse should be pressured into doing something beyond their comfort zone. That should be their own choice.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Really?
> 
> Men have the ability to really really hurt women during sex... if they chose to. Women are very vulnerable at this time and they know... that's why trust is very important.
> 
> ...


Point taken. I was approaching it from the "Well we gave it a shot and we really didn't like it all that much" angle. If he was too forceful and she was pushed into doing something that turned out to cause a great deal of pain and discomfort then yes, I can see where that would cause a lot of hesitation and trust issues on her part. Without know exactly what that "drunken mistake" was, I think it is hard to know what the issue is.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Did you people read what the OP wrote? He asked for anal sex twice in five years and you're accusing him of obsessively badgering her? Seriously?

Also, the anal didn't cause her to lose her libido. Their marriage was sexless before they ever tried anal. The frequency just went from "sexless" to "more sexless."

I call asking for anal twice in 23 years of marriage a goddamned heroic display of restraint!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Did you people read what the OP wrote? He asked for anal sex twice in five years and you're accusing him of obsessively badgering her? Seriously?
> 
> Also, the anal didn't cause her to lose her libido. Their marriage was sexless before they ever tried anal. The frequency just went from "sexless" to "more sexless."
> 
> I call asking for anal twice in 23 years of marriage a goddamned heroic display of restraint!


If, after the first time, she said she didn't like it and didn't feel comfortable with it, he should have let it drop. No, the anal didn't cause her low libido, but it didn't help bring it up, either. And it didn't seem like he'd only asked for it twice...but maybe I misunderstood. He really shouldn't have asked for it after the first time, imo. Especially to a woman who seems to want any reason NOT to have sex.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> Since then our relationship is none existent with no touching as she feels that "leads me on".


You should not accept this. First, you should rule out that she is having an affair. Asking you to guarantee your faithfulness is a sign that she may be having an affair. Although, given that your frequency dropped around the time of kids and has remained low for years, that's not extremely likely. But that is what you should do first. Assuming she's faithful to you, you should insist she has a doctor examine her hormone levels. She may have a physical reason for her low libido.

If neither of those things pan out, then the reason she only wants sex with you quarterly is that she's just not that into you. You have to both work on yourself to become more attractive, and communicate to her that you refuse to be sentenced to a life of celibacy by her.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP.



marriedsadnlonely said:


> She wants me to guarantee that I will be faithful (which I have been for the past 23 years).


She wants to crap on your for the rest of your life and have you reassure her that you'll promise to take it? Laugh in her face.



marriedsadnlonely said:


> I try talking to her about anal sex and she then asks if I am gay- I do not know what to do and I am considering leaving after 23 years, but I do not want to through it all away.


She's deflecting blame back onto you. Look, if she doesn't want anal, then you're just not going to get anal. If your big hangup is over anal, then you're probably out of luck. However, given the fact that you dated her, then married her, and stayed married for 18 years without ever having anal, and another 5 years after one bad experience suggests that anal sex isn't really your deal breaker. I suspect that you're upset about her refusing to touch you sexually more than 6 times a year. And you have every right to be upset by that.

Work on yourself. Become more attractive. If she wants to have sex with you more, great. If not, you'll be able to find someone else who does.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Created2Write said:


> If, after the first time, she said she didn't like it and didn't feel comfortable with it, he should have let it drop.


He did let it drop. For five years. If he brings up anal sex every five years, that can't be defined as badgering by any stretch of the imagination. People have been known to change their minds. You even said that it was the worst pain of your life, but you might be open to trying it again someday.



Created2Write said:


> No, the anal didn't cause her low libido, but it didn't help bring it up, either. And it didn't seem like he'd only asked for it twice...but maybe I misunderstood. He really shouldn't have asked for it after the first time, imo. Especially to a woman who seems to want any reason NOT to have sex.


I agree that a starving man shouldn't ask for filet mignon. But, he asked twice. She said yes once and no once. He didn't say that he started breaking things and threatening her when he was rejected. I can understand that affecting her libido. But simply asking and accepting a rejection shouldn't be a problem. She's likely just using it as an excuse for her own lack of libido.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> He did let it drop. For five years. If he brings up anal sex every five years, that can't be defined as badgering by any stretch of the imagination. People have been known to change their minds. You even said that it was the worst pain of your life, but you might be open to trying it again someday.


Yeah, but the reason is because he doesn't ask for it. If he ever asked for it, it would only strengthen my resolution not to do it. And not because I'm trying to punish him, but because with a situation like ours where it was utterly painful, it should be left to ME to make that decision on my own. 



> I agree that a starving man shouldn't ask for filet mignon. But, he asked twice. She said yes once and no once. He didn't say that he started breaking things and threatening her when he was rejected. I can understand that affecting her libido. But simply asking and accepting a rejection shouldn't be a problem. She's likely just using it as an excuse for her own lack of libido.


When my husband and I tried, we were both tipsy. Instead of preparing, lubing up, and slowly trying, it was dry and shove. He didn't even ask if I was ready. HORRID experience. And my husband isn't tiny in the p department, okay? My husband is a good man, and I'm a good wife. We have a normal relationship, little issues here and there, but we love each other and we show affection. Sex is great. 

HOWEVER, if he were to come home tomorrow(it's been about three years since we tried anal) and ask really sweetly, "Hun, I know it hurt but, could we give anal a try again?" the LAST thing I would want to do, would be have sex with him. I would be incredibly upset. Yes, it effects libido...I should add, for a short time. I wouldn't go days or weeks without having sex with him out of spite or revenge, but it would definitely kill whatever I had planned for that night. 

I agree, she's using this as an excuse...but given her need for any excuse not to do it, and her lack of effort in their sexual relationship, he shouldn't have asked at all, imo.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Just try to prove to your wife that you are not a gay.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

How many of you 'pro-anal' guys have ever actually been anally penetrated by a fully erect penis?


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Are we really going down this whole ''it's a gay thing'' again?

Having a 'man' shove his **** up my ass and me liking it would seriously cause me concern. 
Having my wife use her dildo on me was a little disconcerting but I enjoyed it. He'll does that make me gay? ! I don't think so.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Oldmatelot said:


> Are we really going down this whole ''it's a gay thing'' again?
> 
> Having a 'man' shove his **** up my ass and me liking it would seriously cause me concern.
> Having my wife use her dildo on me was a little disconcerting but I enjoyed it. He'll does that make me gay? ! I don't think so.


Your THE only one who has mentioned anything about anyone being gay on this thread as far as i can see... :scratchhead:

I just want to know how many men who are 'pro-anal' have experienced it (with something penis sized). 

Simple question isn't it?


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

The being gay comment was related to the post previous to your own.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Oldmatelot said:


> The being gay comment was related to the post previous to your own.


Apologies I missed that one!

As you were...


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

Nothing - I have given her EVERYTHING and asked for 1 thing in return - which she refuses...

We where both up for the barn conversation no issues.:scratchhead:



Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'm guessing you wife has some resentment here. I can account for 3 of the 5 years where your wife may have developed resentment: a 3 year barn conversion project that maybe you suggested and she went along with reluctantly? Now a successful business that takes every moment of your spare time. Think back and see if there was something else around 5 years ago where you may have gotten your way on something that she was against but caved in on?
> 
> That's my guess - resentment over choices that you made that she gave in on. Unless of course there is more to the story.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

Not getting ANY!



Hicks said:


> what is your problem now?
> do you want more vaginal sex, or are you wanting more anal sex?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Really?
> 
> Men have the ability to really really hurt women during sex... if they chose to. Women are very vulnerable at this time and they know... that's why trust is very important.
> 
> ...


LOL, I guess you missed the part where OP stated they were only having sex once per month anyway, which is bordering on a clinically sexless marriage.

The more obvious answer to the conundrum, as voiced by several people already, is that the wife has absolutely zero desire to have with OP at all, and this anal escapade was just the excuse, the blatatant cop-out, that she hd been waiting for to nip sex in the bud entirely, though at the same time she LAUGHABLY had to demand OP remain faithful to her, so she KNOWS that it is all on her, and that her actions would drive a normal male away.

I'll bet a crisp new $50 note that should she take up with an Alpha Male that excites her, she would let him have anal sex with her with no problem whatsoever.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

It hurt her and everytime I mention anal she says do I like hurting her and I don't.



waiwera said:


> What happened that night OP?
> What was 'WRONG'?
> 
> There is more to this story I'm 100% sure.
> ...


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

Tried 5 years and asked 1 month ago - that's pestering....



Created2Write said:


> A woman's libido is effected by a lot of things, physical and emotional. When my husband and I tried anal, I burst into tears and cried for ten minutes. If he had pestered me about trying again, like the OP seems to be doing, my libido would have shot to zero. Course, I would have told him exactly why he wasn't getting sex.
> 
> FTR, that is the ONLY reason I would ever willfully deny my husband sex. When either spouse becomes selfishly focused on one thing that isn't even important in a relationship(like anal and rim jobs), that means respect is gone and the other person is now a mere object of sexual pleasure. NOT SEXY. Sex should be mutually satisfying, and neither spouse should be pressured into doing something beyond their comfort zone. That should be their own choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

waiwera said:


> How many of you 'pro-anal' guys have ever actually been anally penetrated by a fully erect penis?


I think that this should be a requirement for any guy who wants to do anal on his wife/SO before she does it to her.

After all if it's such a great thing surely he wants to experience this great pleasure. Right ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

waiwera said:


> Your THE only one who has mentioned anything about anyone being gay on this thread as far as i can see... :scratchhead:
> 
> I just want to know how many men who are 'pro-anal' have experienced it (with something penis sized).
> 
> Simple question isn't it?


The OP said that his wife questioned if he's gay 'cause of his desire to do anal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> .....
> 
> I'll bet a crisp new $50 note that should she take up with an Alpha Male that excites her, she would let him have anal sex with her with no problem whatsoever.


This is pure speculation. You don't know this woman yet take the liberty of painting her as a pretty trashy person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> Nothing - I have given her EVERYTHING and asked for 1 thing in return - which she refuses...
> 
> ...


The one thing that you are asking her for is anal? 

So you think she owes you anal because you "have given her EVERYTHING"? Rreally?

And that's the only thing you have ever asked of her? She gave you 3 beautiful children... but that does not count. She has stayed iwth you and raised your (both our your) children and that does not count. I'm sure she's done many things for you over the years to include things you have asked of her. But none of that counts.

Maybe, with that one statement, we are starting to see the issue in your marriage. 

She owes you anal. She owes it to you even after you hurt her the first time.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is pure speculation. You don't know this woman yet take the liberty of painting her as a pretty trashy person.


Upon reflection, fair point, my apologies, let my disappointment with your gender run away with me there. Been reading too much real life on this forum of late, and unfairly projected it onto this story.

But the fact remains women do magically open up sexually in an affair, the particular nature of this thread notwithstanding. It is the pattern, but is totally beside the point of this thread I admit.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> It hurt her and everytime I mention anal she says do I like hurting her and I don't.


This is significant. You hurt her. She does not want to be hurt. So you've gotta let this go. Do you care about your wife? If so, then please try to respect her feelings.

I actually think you're fixating on this. You've given her everything and she won't give you this one thing? Come on, now. That's just a dreadful attitude to have.

A woman who is emotionally fulfilled in her relationship is likely going to want sex more frequently than four times a year. I bet you two are emotionally disconnected. Your fixation with anal sex is likely making that disconnect even worse.

I suggest you step back and talk about relationship fulfillment with her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> Tried 5 years and asked 1 month ago - that's pestering....


You seem to be contradicting yourself. In the above post you say you’ve only asked twice. In the post below you use the word ‘everytime’. Clearly you have asked more than twice.


marriedsadnlonely said:


> It hurt her and everytime I mention anal she says do I like hurting her and I don't.


Right there in that post I think you tell us what the problem is. 

Five years ago when you did anal you hurt her. In another post you said that this time you would give her control. This seems to imply that you took control last time and perhaps went beyond what she was comfortable with… to the point of hurting her.

I don’t think you have a clue as to how much anal can hurt. Try having someone grip your rectum out.. that’s the kind of hurt it can be. 

(When I was in my 20’s I did have and enjoy it. But later in life I tried it again and it was terrible…horrible pain. The body changes over time and there are physical changes that made is very painful. So I speak from experience.)

It sounds like your wife does not completely trust you anymore. This is a huge libido killer. Have you apologized to her for hurting her 5 years ago?

And if you knew it hurt her why did you ask again? She’s right, why would you want to do something that hurts her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> Upon reflection, fair point, my apologies, let my disappointment with your gender run away with me there. Been reading too much real life on this forum of late, and unfairly projected it onto this story..


Remember that while some women cheat and do bad things, most women do not.

Just like some men dheat and do bad things, but most men do not.



SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> But the fact remains women do magically open up sexually in an affair, the particular nature of this thread notwithstanding. It is the pattern, but is totally beside the point of this thread I admit.



Men also "magically open up sexually", romantically and in every other way in affairs as well. That's what affairs are all about... fantacy and being someone you are not in your real life.

When you start to realize that it's not just women.. some men and some women both do these things, you might find that you can get beyond some of your disappointment. All women did not disappoint you.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I go with the Anal sex is an excuse answer,your wife just does not want to have sex with you. I don't think bringing it up every five years is a huge deal.This would have happened eeven if you would not have tried anal so don't blame it on that.

If sex is that importnat in your life and you are 53 then the time to leave is now,maybe if you show her the divorce papers she will make some changes since she will not want to lose 23 years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedsadnlonely,

What kinds of things does you wife complain about in your marriage? This can be very indicative.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What is sex usually like for you two? Is she satisfied?

What is your relationship like?

Do you hug and kiss? Go on dates? Talk to each other a lot? Spend time together?

And yes anal can be very painful and is not fun for many women. Start focusing your fantasies on things both of you can enjoy mutually. It will be a lot healthier for you.

for some reason she's not attracted to you, doesn't trust you in bed and is closed off to you. Why is that?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> It hurt her and everytime I mention anal she says do I like hurting her and I don't.


Ok.. well I'd give up on the anal. She tried it and doesn't like it. You hurt her. Move on. That is huge... 

The lack of sex does need to be addressed though.. can't have a happy marriage without love and affection and regular good sex. That goes for both of you.

She is clearly effing furious/upset that you hurt her. Us women trust our men not to hurt us during sex... you blew that. Ask her how you can gain back her trust. I bet it would include NO MORE ANAL SEX.

But this isn't fixing whatever made her only want sex monthly before the incident.. why do you think this was? Happy wives usually want sex with husbands.

Does she acknowledge her anger and resentment?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Remember that while some women cheat and do bad things, most women do not.
> 
> Just like some men dheat and do bad things, but most men do not.
> 
> ...


what's that saying "90% of women want 5% of men"

Sounds like a really level playing field.

And why have you ignored the fact that their sex life was bordering upon being clinically non-existent before the OP's insistence upon having his particular fetish met?

It isn't as though she was a vibrant, enthusiastic, sexual being who was destroyed by OP's pathetic and whining demands for a particular act. She was ALREADY drier than the Sahara desert at the thought of OP before any of this.

Being completely impartial, it just seems, whatever her level of personal discomforture, she used this as an excuse to "close down the factory and sack all the workers" sexually, much to her relief, while at the same time strangely demanding sureties from OP that he would remain faithful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> what's that saying "90% of women want 5% of men"
> 
> Sounds like a really level playing field.


I have no idea what that saying is ... you will have to explain it.

Why would 90% of women want 5% of men? Don't get it.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I have no idea what that saying is ... you will have to explain it.
> 
> Why would 90% of women want 5% of men? Don't get it.


You're a big girl, you'll figure it out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> You're a big girl, you'll figure it out.



What are the traits of these 5% of men that 90% of women want?


Along the same line we can say that 90% of men want 5% of women...... 

Again... it goes both ways.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

She doesn't complain as I give her everything possible and she wants for nothing.



EleGirl said:


> marriedsadnlonely,
> 
> What kinds of things does you wife complain about in your marriage? This can be very indicative.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

Did this with a former girlfriend before marrying my wife...



EleGirl said:


> I think that this should be a requirement for any guy who wants to do anal on his wife/SO before she does it to her.
> 
> After all if it's such a great thing surely he wants to experience this great pleasure. Right ?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> what's that saying "90% of women want 5% of men"
> 
> Sounds like a really level playing field.


I don’t get what the above means. My guess is that you are saying that most women want some small set of men who have some traits.. whatever those trait are and thus it leaves the rest of men as the fall-backs.
If that’s what you mean… the same can be said of men if we want to speak in generalizations. 90% of men was 5% of the women… but the settle for the woman they can get.
Your bitterness towards men shows.


SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> And why have you ignored the fact that their sex life was bordering upon being clinically non-existent before the OP's insistence upon having his particular fetish met?


I have not ignored that. He said that I was ok with it that way. Don’t know why he would be but to each his own.


SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> It isn't as though she was a vibrant, enthusiastic, sexual being who was destroyed by OP's pathetic and whining demands for a particular act. She was ALREADY drier than the Sahara desert at the thought of OP before any of this.


There was a baseline level of sex that held for years. According to the OP that changed after the anal sex incident 5 years ago. He is the one who said that the incident was a critical point that hurt their relationship.
He also said that he hurt her during that incident. And he alluded to him having control during the incident. Sounds like it scared her. She has also asked him if he wants to hurt her.. meaning she is no longer fully trusts him.


SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> Being completely impartial, it just seems, whatever her level of personal discomforture, she used this as an excuse to "close down the factory and sack all the workers" sexually, much to her relief, while at the same time strangely demanding sureties from OP that he would remain faithful.


Boy you are really reading a lot into her behavior… you have no idea what the dynamics of their relationship are. You have no idea is her hormones are off kilter. But you are sure that she’s a mean, cold, selfish woman who was just looking for a reason to withhold sex from her husband. 

You also have no idea what happened during that incident 5 years ago in which the OP admits he hurt her. She might have a very good reason to be freaked out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> She doesn't complain as I give her everything possible and she wants for nothing.


Is she a stay at home wife/mom?

How many hours a week do you spend doing date-like things with her.. just the two of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> She doesn't complain as I give her everything possible and she wants for nothing.


Ok, so you are the perfect husband. You meet all of her needs at all times. You have no faults.

Well if your wife is not wanting to have sex with you there is a problem. She is just not telling you what it is.

So tell her that you are not satisfied with your sex life and either the two of you go to a marriage/sex therapist or your marriage is over. 

But you cannot push her for anal sex. It hurt her and she does not want it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IF you want more sex, you should not be asking for anal sex.

Walk before you run my friend.

Anal sex can only happen if your wife is very into you sexually.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You do EVERYTHING for her and she won't do this 1 thing for you?

You need to consider how such an absolutist statement makes your wife feel. So, she brings nothing else to the marriage, you are the perfect husband and she is nothing but a sex toy? And apparently not a very good one.

I suggest dropping the anal issue altogether. Then focus on the positives she brings to the marriage. Let her know she is appreciated. Plan some date nights. Dress up, shower, wear a nice smelling aftershave. Stay sober and romance her. Don't get drunk and demand sex because she owes you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> Nothing - I have given her EVERYTHING and asked for 1 thing in return - which she refuses...
> 
> We where both up for the barn conversation no issues.:scratchhead:


If you're bending over backwards for your wife, it's possible that she sees you as the butler. And women don't get attracted to butlers. If your wife has a little bell that she rings whenever she wants you to freshen her drink, you need to man up and put an end to that crap.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> The one thing that you are asking her for is anal?
> 
> So you think she owes you anal because you "have given her EVERYTHING"? Rreally?
> 
> ...


Give me a break. You're saying that the OP should just continue to serve his loving wife, who refuses to touch him more than six times a year because of all the nice things she's done for him in the past? All those dinners she cooked and children's noses she wiped in the past have bought her a lifetime pass to avoid sex with her husband?

All those paychecks that the OP forked over were just part of his duty to server her without complaint, right? His needs count for nothing.

Married people DO owe each other. They owe it to each other to make the marriage a mutually beneficial arrangement where each spouse tries to meet the needs of the other. To that end, his wife owes him sex. And she owes it to him to act like an adult when he suggests a fantasy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Acoa said:


> You do EVERYTHING for her and she won't do this 1 thing for you?
> 
> You need to consider how such an absolutist statement makes your wife feel. So, she brings nothing else to the marriage, you are the perfect husband and she is nothing but a sex toy? And apparently not a very good one.


Here is an absolutist statement for you. Wives and husbands are supposed to have sex. A wife who is great, except for sex, is a lousy wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Give me a break. You're saying that the OP should just continue to serve his loving wife, who refuses to touch him more than six times a year because of all the nice things she's done for him in the past? All those dinners she cooked and children's noses she wiped in the past have bought her a lifetime pass to avoid sex with her husband?


Boy are you twisting what I said.

That post and some of the others from the OP are more than a bit dismissive of his wife. 

He talks about her as though he gives her everything and she does nothing in the relationship. As though all that she does has absolutely no value. If he talks to her that way I can see why she would only want sex a few times a year. Few if any women would want sex with a man who has that attitude.

Now he could just be blowing off steam here and saying things that he normally does not say, that he would never say to her. But here, he’s coming off with a not so nice attitude.

The one thing he said that is clear he is not blowing off steam is that he wants anal sex whether it hurts her or not. He also has contradicted himself… it’s clear that he’s asked her about the anal sex then more than twice from his own words. 

If my husband was trying to guilt me into doing something that hurt, hurts bad, because he thinks I owe it to him it would seriously damage the relationship and seriously damage my desire to have any sex with him.

It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to break the marriage. He shares in this problem on some level.

Remember that we are only hearing his side of the story. This reminds me of a post we had here months ago. Some guy was here saying that his wife seldom will have sex with him. He was making her sound like a mean, frigid, b…h. Well she eventually got on and posted. When she was done it was clear why she did not want to have sex with him often. For one thing he seldom bathed. He stunk. There were other things as well. Once she was on he basically admitted that her side of the story as indeed true. 

When we get only one side of the story and it’s so strongly slanted to make the OP look wonderful and the other spouse look terrible it raises questions about what her side of the story is.



PHTlump said:


> All those paychecks that the OP forked over were just part of his duty to server her without complaint, right? His needs count for nothing.


I never said this. He was talking about how he gives her everything as though she her part in the marriage does not count.


PHTlump said:


> Married people DO owe each other. They owe it to each other to make the marriage a mutually beneficial arrangement where each spouse tries to meet the needs of the other. To that end, his wife owes him sex. And she owes it to him to act like an adult when he suggests a fantasy.


I agree, that’s why in another post I told him that he needs to get her to a MC and work this out. There is something seriously wrong in the marriage. We do not have her here to talk to and find out her side of the story. And her side does count. So he needs to get help in a way that also gives her a say in the solution to this.

But bottom line is that he cannot demand anal sex. It’s not something that is owed by owed by women to their husbands. And she has an extra, legitimate reason for rejecting it… it hurt when she had it before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Here is an absolutist statement for you. Wives and husbands are supposed to have sex. A wife who is great, except for sex, is a lousy wife.


Yes a wife who seriously limits the amount of sex is a lousy wife.
Unless there is a good reason why she limits sex. We don’t know the dynamics of this relationship. 

The OP seems to think that she owes him anal sex because he gives her everything and she wants for nothing. This even though it is painful for her. He’s not showing a lot of consideration for her wellbeing.

We don’t know what really goes on in this relationship. She’s not here to tell her side of things. He needs to go to a MC with her and the two of them have to work together to fix this.

To assume that she’s withholding sex because she’s a bad wife, when you do not have all sides of the story makes no sense.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think that this should be a requirement for any guy who wants to do anal on his wife/SO before she does it to her.
> 
> After all if it's such a great thing surely he wants to experience this great pleasure. Right ?


As a man, I 100% agree with this. Now I personally don't want anal sex (I have a very mild curiousity to try it just to see what all the fuss is about but if I go my whole life without trying it I'm completely fine with that) but if I did and my fiancee said no, then that'd be that. If I insisted on going for it, she'd have every right to turn to me and tell me to bend over while putting on her strap-on. 

Many posters on here go on and on about how both sides should be willing to give and nor just receive when it comes to PiV sex, oral, mutual masterbation, etc. Why should that stop at anal?

OP, if you are bent on getting anal from your wife, offer to get bent over the end of the bend by her next time as well. 



The Cro-Magnon said:


> what's that saying "90% of women want 5% of men"
> 
> Sounds like a really level playing field.


It is a level playing field. Just like 90% of women want the 5% of men that look like Magic Mike, there is 90% of men that want the 5% of women that look like Marilyn Munroe or Megan Fox. You need to drop your bitterness towards women and look at it fairly from both sides.



EleGirl said:


> He talks about her as though he gives her everything and she does nothing in the relationship. As though all that she does has absolutely no value.


You have been spot on this entire thread EleGirl and I have agreed with basically all of your posts. I think the above though might be what we are dealing with here.

While to you and me all that the wife has done does get some credit, it's quite possible to the OP that indeed "everything and she does nothing in the relationship. As though all that she does has absolutely no value." 

If so, then that would show what at least a good part of the problem is. If all he views his wife as is a sex toy, then she could cook a thousand meals and birth 20 children and none of that will matter to him. Only what she does (and doesn't do) in bed matters to him.

OP, if that is the case, then you need to reevaluate your relationship and what you are wanting in a wife.

I suspect, like EleGirl, that there is a lot more to this story then we are hearing. While I'm used to on TAM hearing only one side of the story, usually there's more openness than this. The OP has revisited this thread a few times since his original post and has ignore several important questions raised by other posters while only answering questions that make him look good (such as saying he gives his wife "EVERYTHING" while only asking for one thing), and usually those answers are only one liners as well.

If the OP is really serious about solving this problem, I suggest going back through this thread and being 100% honest while answering all of the questions poised by posters, even if the answer makes him look bad. 

However, I think the OP posted this thread simply looking for validation that his request for more sex (and possibly a revisitation of anal sex) should be honored by his wife.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes a wife who seriously limits the amount of sex is a lousy wife.
> Unless there is a good reason why she limits sex. We don’t know the dynamics of this relationship.


From everything I have learned so far...there should NEVER be a good reason, unless they want the relationship to end.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> He talks about her as though he gives her everything and she does nothing in the relationship. As though all that she does has absolutely no value. If he talks to her that way I can see why she would only want sex a few times a year. Few if any women would want sex with a man who has that attitude.


Except he never said she does nothing. He said he gives her everything and she refuses him sex, refuses to consider his fantasy, and accuses him of being gay because of his fantasy. Boy, his wife sounds like a peach. To have the woman you love most in the world accuse you of being a closeted gay man because you asked for something twice in 23 years. And you're saying that's a typical attitude for women? Yikes.



EleGirl said:


> Now he could just be blowing off steam here and saying things that he normally does not say, that he would never say to her. But here, he’s coming off with a not so nice attitude.


I think he's coming off with a TOO nice attitude. If my wife withheld sex from me, refused to even discuss my sexual requests, and accused me of being gay, I wouldn't be on a marriage forum looking for advice on how to make her happy. I would be on the phone to a lawyer.



EleGirl said:


> The one thing he said that is clear he is not blowing off steam is that he wants anal sex whether it hurts her or not. He also has contradicted himself… it’s clear that he’s asked her about the anal sex then more than twice from his own words.


Wrong. The reason he refrained from asking her for five years is because he knew he hurt her. The reason he proposed giving her total control of the second encounter is because he didn't want to hurt her. And he stated explicitly that he has only asked her twice for anal.



EleGirl said:


> If my husband was trying to guilt me into doing something that hurt, hurts bad, because he thinks I owe it to him it would seriously damage the relationship and seriously damage my desire to have any sex with him.


Putting aside whether a request for anal, with his wife in total control qualifies as a guilt trip, would you shut your husband down for five years and accuse him of being gay for wanting to revisit something that you didn't like many years ago? That seems unreasonable.



EleGirl said:


> It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to break the marriage. He shares in this problem on some level.


I agree. I think that his wife is sexually repulsed by him. And some of that is on him. And it's also on him for accepting his wife's childish behavior for so many years.



EleGirl said:


> When we get only one side of the story and it’s so strongly slanted to make the OP look wonderful and the other spouse look terrible it raises questions about what her side of the story is.


I will grant you that the OP is probably not making his wife's every wish come true. But I never assumed that to be the case. I am assuming that he is telling the truth about the major facts he's presented here. If his wife comes here to post that he beats her, I'll revise my position.



EleGirl said:


> But bottom line is that he cannot demand anal sex. It’s not something that is owed by owed by women to their husbands. And she has an extra, legitimate reason for rejecting it… it hurt when she had it before.


He hasn't demanded anal sex. He has requested it twice during his 23 year marriage. And the second time he requested it, she was completely disrespectful. I agree that she has the right to reject him. But she doesn't have the right to shout him down as a homosexual sadist.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IndyTM said:


> From everything I have learned so far...there should NEVER be a good reason, unless they want the relationship to end.


So if a man beats and abuses his wife she has not right to tell him no to sex?

Never a good reason?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Yes a wife who seriously limits the amount of sex is a lousy wife.
> Unless there is a good reason why she limits sex. We don’t know the dynamics of this relationship.


What would those good reasons for withholding sex be? Obviously a medical problem would qualify. But I'm guessing her husband would be privy to that information and wouldn't omit it from this thread. Most likely, we're dealing with lack of attraction and resentment. And those aren't good reasons for withholding sex.



EleGirl said:


> The OP seems to think that she owes him anal sex because he gives her everything and she wants for nothing. This even though it is painful for her. He’s not showing a lot of consideration for her wellbeing.


I don't know how you think that asking for something twice, over the course of 5 years, counts as believing he is owed. What I will say is that his wife owes it to her husband to behave like an adult. If he asks for something that she isn't interested in, just say it. Don't accuse him of being a monster. And that's entirely separate from the issue of withholding sex for years before the anal incident. But I'm sure she has a valid reason for that, too. Maybe he left the toilet seat up one time.



EleGirl said:


> To assume that she’s withholding sex because she’s a bad wife, when you do not have all sides of the story makes no sense.


I have stated that I'll revise my position if other information comes to light. But withholding sex is a pretty open and shut case of being a bad wife. It's kind of like a husband beating his wife. I wouldn't say, "Well, maybe he's really nice when he's not beating her." I would just say that he's a bad husband.

Do you think it makes sense to cast the OP as inhuman because he has a common fantasy that he has requested twice? Or that his wife is reasonable in her contemptible behavior? I don't.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> So if a man beats and abuses his wife she has not right to tell him no to sex?
> 
> Never a good reason?


Do you think that's the case here? What if the OP has good reason to beat his wife?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Do you think that's the case here? What if the OP has good reason to beat his wife?


I'd love to know what, in your mind is "good reason to beat his wife"

There is never a good reason to beat anyone barring a life threatening situation. Especially your wife.

How can you come on a marriage forum and ask if someone has good reason to beat his wife?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So if a man beats and abuses his wife she has not right to tell him no to sex?
> 
> Never a good reason?


I think that's what IndyTM was meaning to imply, that whatever reason there is for withholding sex should also be a reason for ending the marriage. IE if a woman withholds sex because her husband is abusive, she should also be looking at leaving the marriage as well.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It was a tongue in cheek response to EleGirl's defense of a wife withholding sex from her husband for good reasons. Get it?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> It was a tongue in cheek response to EleGirl's defense of a wife withholding sex from her husband for good reasons. Get it?


Oh I get it, I just don't get the need for it. Especially since EleGirl was responding to someone else and not the OP or you. Somethings shouldn't be joked about IMO, and spousal abuse would be one.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Really?
> 
> Men have the ability to really really hurt women during sex... if they chose to. Women are very vulnerable at this time and they know... that's why trust is very important.
> 
> ...


The OP's wife was barely engaging in sex long before the attempt at anal sex came into the equation. Once a month is hovering around the typically accepted definition of a "sexless marriage".

This isn't about "one bad night" at all. This couple had massive problems before that.

Edit: Thanks Jaharthur.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Do you think that's the case here? What if the OP has good reason to beat his wife?


I was responding to the someone who said that there is NEVER a good reason to withhold sex. It does not apply to this case as far as I know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> I think that's what IndyTM was meaning to imply, that whatever reason there is for withholding sex should also be a reason for ending the marriage. IE if a woman withholds sex because her husband is abusive, she should also be looking at leaving the marriage as well.


I agree with this completely.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

jaquen said:


> The OP's wife was barely engaging in sex long before the attempt at anal sex came into the equation. Once a month is hovering around the typically accepted definition of a "sexless marriage".
> 
> This isn't about "one bad night" at all. This woman had massive problems before that.


I agree with this with one change: I'd say "This COUPLE had massive problems before that."

I don't have enough information to place all blame on the OP's wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Do you think that's the case here? What if the OP has good reason to beat his wife?





PHTlump said:


> It was a tongue in cheek response to EleGirl's defense of a wife withholding sex from her husband for good reasons. Get it?


You are taking general statement that I’m making that indeed there are reasons that a person (man or woman) might legitimately withhold sex and twisting them.

My basic stance is that we don’t know what is going on in the marriage. The OP has made a few comments that could either be just venting here or an indication of him having an attitude that could be turning his wife off. We don’t know. We don’t have her side of the story. We don’t know why she won’t talk to him about it either. 

Plus the OP has made contradictory comments about how often he has asked her for anal sex.

We can speculate all day about what is going on here. I do not want to vilify anyone… not her and not him. He is the one here asking. So he’s unhappy. If he’s this unhappy than he needs to sit her down and tell her that their sex life, or lack thereof is not acceptable. Either she work with him to fix it or he will divorce her.

Now speaking hypothetically….

Yes there are good reasons for both men and women to withhold sex…. I could come up with a list of scenarios of why this might happen and that being completely turned off to one’s spouse is a completely natural response. And sometimes people try to hold the marriage together even in the face of being completely turned off sexually because they truly do love their spouse otherwise. Or for the sake of the children. Sometimes they do it because they believe that divorce is not an option.

Not speaking hypothetically now…

The OP put up with very little sex for most of his marriage. It could have left her, a possibly LD woman, with the idea that he was ok with sex that seldom. But now he's had enough. I don't blame him at all.

If the spouse who wants sex more often is not willing to live with this then it’s incumbent on that spouse to raise the issue and either work with the other one to fix the problems or end the marriage. 
In marriage it’s seldom that one spouse is wonderful/perfect and the other is evil. But many here were going after the wife as though there is no possible way that she might has a reason for doing what she’s doing. So I chimed in to balance against that. She’s most likely not evil. She has her point of view, her story as well. He’s not evil either. He has his point of view. But THEY have to talk and fix this. IF she will not talk about it and work on it then he has good justification to end the marriage no matter what her reasons are.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

We do not have enough information to suppose that the OP has been consistently badgering his wife for anal sex.

What we do know is that:

The OP and wife were already in a near sexless relationship before the anal incident arose.

The sex dwindled even further after the drunken, mutually decided upon initial anal sex attempt.

The OP's wife has made the unilateral decision to render the marriage completely sexless, yet still expects promises of fidelity.

The OP's wife feels requests for anal sex are requests to hurt her.

The OP's wife questioned his sexuality for having the audacity to want to engage in anal sex.

What kind of a person shoots an already near sexless marriage into the stratosphere of total sexlessness, takes away ALL touch in an effort to not "lead" her husband on, uses a drunken attempt at anal sex a half decade ago to justify said sexlessness, calls her husband's sexuality into question, and yet still has the audacity to request guarantees of "faithfulness" and fidelity?

Based solely off the information given, with the understanding that there are two sides to every maritial story, this woman sounds like a selfish, and cruel, nut job. The only thing she needs to be served is a fat, healthy slab of divorce papers.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

OP? OP, where are you?


This has been like watching a tennis match.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

jaquen said:


> We do not have enough information to suppose that the OP has been consistently badgering his wife for anal sex.
> 
> What we do know is that:
> 
> ...


Because, unfortunately, some women get it in their heads that this is ok and that it is the man who is selfish for wanting sex. I firmly believe that some of this comes from just not understanding male sexuality. And yes I agree, selfish.

As far as the OP, right or wrong, she may have lost trust or the feeling of being safe sexually with you. It sounds to me as if the anal situation just compounded issues that were already there. I also don't want to minimize the fact that it could have been tramatic for a woman who was hurt during sex. 

I may have overlooked this part but have you considered counseling?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

jaquen said:


> The OP's wife was barely engaging in sex long before the attempt at anal sex came into the equation. Once a month is hovering around the typically accepted definition of a "sexless marriage".
> 
> This isn't about "one bad night" at all. This couple had massive problems before that.
> 
> Edit: Thanks Jaharthur.


Yes I mentioned that in one of my other posts, I agree jaquen. You know my views well enough well enough to know I'd never support a loveless/sexless marriage. 

But there seems to be two issues here...the already low sex drive in his wife.
Then the 'incident'.. which shut off communication, sex and affection almost completely. 

Even though both issues may be connected her lack of trust and willingness to communicate needs to be fixed before the relationship can heal, she doesn't trust him sexually (or maybe at all)... THAT needs to be sorted before they can work on anything else. 

I'm still wondering why she didn't want sex before... considering how awesome he is. 

I've found in life that generally wives with amazing husbands and happy lives want to jump their men often and with love.

But there has been such scanty info put forward (along with a bit of trickle truth... it took several pages to see that he had hurt her)) it's difficult for any of us to know how amazing OP is and how horrid his wife is.

I really think they need to go to couple counselling so she can learn to recognize and deal with her anger and resentment and he can learn to respect his wife's wishes... " NO I don't want to do that" should be acceptable for her to say to him.... don't you think? 

There's a reason she doesn't want sex with him...there always is. 

Not saying it's OK or acceptable... there is a lot for this couple to figure out and discuss. I really hope they can get to that stage.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> What would those good reasons for withholding sex be?


There could be a LOT of reasons for this. I think that it's indicative of deeper problems between the two of them, problems that have to do with a feeling of power imbalance. I say that not because I am projecting, but because some of OP's statements seem to indicate that there is more going on than the issue of sexual fetishes and frequency of sexual connection.

Lack of trust is also a good reason. If she doesn't trust him, she isn't going to want to be vulnerable with him. Given that his second campaign for anal sex included the idea that he would let her have full control this time, I suspect that she doesn't feel emotionally safe to open up to her husband. Given that he seems to feel entitled to her body in the way that he wants it, simply because he's been a good provider, also implies that he isn't making her feel respected and valued, but possibly exploited, which would make anyone feel unsafe and unwilling to do more than concede to sex. 

However, she has asked that he remain faithful to her. Either she mistrusts him to the extent that she believes he might not be faithful, which could make her shut down sexually and emotionally, or she is interested in someone else, or there's another issue. This also seems to indicate that she would still like an exclusive romantic relationship with her husband; and I can't help but think that anyone who wants exclusivity wants it to be good, not just something that is suffered through. So, talking about that might help OP more than being specific about this one request.

Again, there seems to be some reason she doesn't want him more than once a few months and figuring out what it is will be more helpful than just judging whether or not she is a good wife, a good sex object, or a willing resource for his pleasure and interest.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

moxy said:


> There could be a LOT of reasons for this. I think that it's indicative of deeper problems between the two of them, problems that have to do with a feeling of power imbalance. I say that not because I am projecting, but because some of OP's statements seem to indicate that there is more going on than the issue of sexual fetishes and frequency of sexual connection.


How do you get a power imbalance?



moxy said:


> Lack of trust is also a good reason. If she doesn't trust him, she isn't going to want to be vulnerable with him.


Sure. But, if she doesn't trust him, she's not going to change his behavior by withholding sex and accusing him of being a gay sadist. That's not the behavior of someone who is fearful.



moxy said:


> Given that his second campaign for anal sex included the idea that he would let her have full control this time, I suspect that she doesn't feel emotionally safe to open up to her husband.


I think many of you are ready way, way, WAY too much into this. Every anal sex instructional web page, video, etc., recommends a position where the woman has a great deal of control. And that's not because most women out there don't feel emotionally safe. It's just to ease the physical and mental processes for anal sex.



moxy said:


> Given that he seems to feel entitled to her body in the way that he wants it, simply because he's been a good provider, also implies that he isn't making her feel respected and valued, but possibly exploited, which would make anyone feel unsafe and unwilling to do more than concede to sex.


You think that the fact that his wife has performed anal sex exactly once in their 23 year marriage makes her exploited? Seriously? If you're right, then this guy is the crappiest exploiter in history. He slaves for a paycheck for 23 years, gets monthly sex, or less, gets anal exactly once, and then gets accused of being a gay sadist, and he's the one in control. Good one.



moxy said:


> However, she has asked that he remain faithful to her. Either she mistrusts him to the extent that she believes he might not be faithful, which could make her shut down sexually and emotionally, or she is interested in someone else, or there's another issue.


She could recognize that most reasonable men would have run for the hills from her many years ago. So, she may be looking for some reassurance that she can continue her denigration of him without fear of reprisal.



moxy said:


> This also seems to indicate that she would still like an exclusive romantic relationship with her husband; and I can't help but think that anyone who wants exclusivity wants it to be good, not just something that is suffered through. So, talking about that might help OP more than being specific about this one request.


I don't think that quarterly sex, with no touching in the interim qualifies as romantic.



moxy said:


> Again, there seems to be some reason she doesn't want him more than once a few months and figuring out what it is will be more helpful than just judging whether or not she is a good wife, a good sex object, or a willing resource for his pleasure and interest.


I agree that there is a reason. The OP may be able to discover it. He may not. But it is also important for him to realize that her behavior is unacceptable. He needs to think of it that way. He needs to adjust his view of marriage to one of a sexual relationship. He seems to have viewed his marriage as one of roommates where one is free to harry the other as a homosexual sadist.

The best way for him to move forward is to look at his behavior and how she views it, how she views herself, and how she views their marriage. Then, he can decide whether he wants to adapt to her, insist she adapt to him, or leave. Otherwise, he could end up running in place at a faster and faster speed which leads nowhere. We've seen that many times on this board.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Power imbalances are in most marriages. We see it displayed most on this forum in regards to sex with the LD spouse often having the power over the HD spouse -controlling frequency, when, where, etc.- but power imblances can exist in almost everything in a marriage, from children to money to freedoms outside the marriage. I have a friend who wanted kids more than his wife did and the arrangement they made was if they have kids, he has to do almost all the parenting. So she gets to go out with friends, do whatever she wants and he has to work and then deal with the kids all night. She does deal with the kids from time to time, but I'd say it's about 80/20 with him being the 80. 

It might be what they agreed to but it is still a power imbalance. Often though, these power imbalances are formed by one spouse slacking off in an area and the other picking up the pace to compensate, and usually this occurs over years so as to not even be noticed until a long period of time has gone by.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I understand the concept of power imbalances. I was just curious as to what led moxy to believe that the OP's wife's libido was due to her feelings about a power imbalance in the marriage.

And wow, do I feel badly for your friend's children! "Mom never wanted us, so Dad does all the parenting so we don't cramp her style." Not the way I would want to grow up.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> I try talking to her about anal sex and she then asks if I am gay- I do not know what to do and I am considering leaving after 23 years, but I do not want to through it all away.
> 
> Any suggestions...


Yes...

Stop talking about anal sex, that's the least of your problems right now. I mean seriously???
Let her know that you won't bother her with sex, but that you will masturbate in bed when you feel the urge, and that's she's welcome to jump in or just go to sleep, the choice is hers.

T


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I am HD and never withhold sex. I mean never ever.

However if my partner was selfish and had anal sex with me and kept pestering me for it and showed me he cared so little about me then I wouldn't want to have sex either.

Sometimes women don't want sex for legitimate reasons. If someone is selfish in a lot of ways, single minded, not giving, lacks hygene, has cheated or doean't give his wife non sexual attention, to name a few reasons women can be very turned off. 

I also agree that doormat behaviour leads to no sex but we don't know this with the OP.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I understand the concept of power imbalances. I was just curious as to what led moxy to believe that the OP's wife's libido was due to her feelings about a power imbalance in the marriage.
> 
> And wow, do I feel badly for your friend's children! "Mom never wanted us, so Dad does all the parenting so we don't cramp her style." Not the way I would want to grow up.


I don't think I'd go as far as to say mom didn't want them. Rather I think mommy seen a way to get kids and not have to do any of the dirty work. Dad is a whipped man, and she's a control freak who has a hate on for men. The kids have become a control mesaure for her over him.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Again, there isn't one shred of evidence presented in this thread to back up the notion that the OP was consistently pestering, bothering, or pressuring his wife into anal sex.


Lets of projections, and unfounded assumptions, going on in this thread.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Again, there isn't one shred of evidence presented in this thread to back up the notion that the OP was consistently pestering, bothering, or pressuring his wife into anal sex.
> 
> Lets of projections, and unfounded assumptions, going on in this thread.


_"5 years ago I asked my wife for anal sex and we attempted it - WRONG! Since then our sex life has dropped from once per month to once every 2/3 months."

"6 weeks ago there has been a strain on our marriage and we sat down to talk and I mentioned that I would like to try anal sex and that she had FULL control - NO CHANCE was the reply"

"I try talking to her about anal sex and she then asks if I am gay"​_Seriously?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> _"5 years ago I asked my wife for anal sex and we attempted it - WRONG! Since then our sex life has dropped from once per month to once every 2/3 months."
> 
> "6 weeks ago there has been a strain on our marriage and we sat down to talk and I mentioned that I would like to try anal sex and that she had FULL control - NO CHANCE was the reply"
> 
> "I try talking to her about anal sex and she then asks if I am gay"​_Seriously?


Seriously.

The OP has been married for 23 years. It took him *18 years *to ask her for anal sex. She gave consent and they tried it.

*5 years later*, he opened up the conversation about anal sex again. That is two requests for anal sex in over 20 years.

He mentions in a post that he's just tried to talk to her about the subject, and she was closed off, and questioned if he was gay. He never gave any indication that he was pushing her into anything.

On what planet is it a BAD thing to talk about ANY sexual activity more than once or twice in your marriage? Hell my wife and I had more conversations in less than ONE WEEK of our marriage about anal sex than this man seems to have had in over 2 decades.

Something is very, very disconcerting about the way this man is being reprimanded in this thread. Again there isn't a single shred of evidence to suggest that his man has been incessantly badgering, pressuring, or trying to force his wife into anal sex low these 20+ years of marriage.

Most of the claims of him pressuring her into the evils of anal sex come from inferences about the poster from other posters, not anything he actually stated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Seriously.
> 
> The OP has been married for 23 years. It took him *18 years *to ask her for anal sex. She gave consent and they tried it.
> 
> ...


A lot of people seem to have missed post #39...



marriedsadnlonely said:


> It hurt her and everytime I mention anal she says do I like hurting her and I don't.


So 5 years ago they had a bad experience. He claims that since then he has only brought it up once very recently. If this is true then the above statement makes no sense. The word "everytime" certainly implies more than asking once a few weeks ago.

I asked the OP to clarify. Just like many other questions people asked him, he did not answer. I know that I'm going with the exact words he said which seem to mean that there were more than two times that he's talked to her about having anal sex. And she shoots him down everytime asking if he likes to hurt her.

You might dismiss that statement but some of us don't.


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## prettynothing (Nov 27, 2012)

I like anal sex and don't mind doing it but if my fiance asked for it, I would be weirded out.

It's one of those things you have to be craving, to want to do. Like when we're doing foreplay, I'll suggest and he'll go along with it. 

It's not something I'd want him to ask from me because I feel like he should want vaginal sex more. I don't mind him suggesting it so he can cum in me occasionally though but just asking for it, is weird to me.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of people seem to have missed post #39...
> 
> So 5 years ago they had a bad experience. He claims that since then he has only brought it up once very recently. If this is true then the above statement makes no sense. The word "everytime" certainly implies more than asking once a few weeks ago.
> 
> ...


You must have missed post #40.


marriedsadnlonely said:


> Tried 5 years and asked 1 month ago - that's pestering....


Once five years ago and once more a month ago. Now, I'll admit that the "every time" language would suggest more than that. However, in the face of the explicit language of post 40, I think you have to put your assumptions to rest.

Perhaps they have discussed anal sex without his requesting it. I don't know. But I don't think anyone reasonable can continue to accuse the OP of pestering his wife about this.

Not to mention that her withholding sex predates the entire anal problem. That's the strongest evidence that she's just using this as an excuse to continue her bad behavior.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You must have missed post #40
> 
> Once five years ago and once more a month ago. Now, I'll admit that the "every time" language would suggest more than that. However, in the face of the explicit language of post 40, I think you have to put your assumptions to rest.


Well, I doubt that the OP is coming back and he did not answer the question asking for clarification so we are only left to speculate.





PHTlump said:


> Perhaps they have discussed anal sex without his requesting it. I don't know. But I don't think anyone reasonable can continue to accuse the OP of pestering his wife about this.


I do not think he pestered her. But I would not be surprised to find out it was more than twice.



PHTlump said:


> Not to mention that her withholding sex predates the entire anal problem. That's the strongest evidence that she's just using this as an excuse to continue her bad behavior.


And perhaps there were martial problems, from her point of view, the predate the entire anal problem.

To just assume that she did not want sex more often early in the marriage is because of 'bad behavior' is judging her when you have no knowledge of her side of the story.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You might dismiss that statement but some of us don't.


I don't care if he asked her 10 times last month.

The point is that in a marriage older than two decades, they've barely talked about this topic.

I mean, really. That people are acting like he's been pestering this woman about anal sex for decades is beyond absurd.



prettynothing said:


> It's not something I'd want him to ask from me because I feel like he should want vaginal sex more. I don't mind him suggesting it so he can cum in me occasionally though but just asking for it, is weird to me.


Why "should" he want vaginal sex more? Lots of guys love anal sex. It's really not up to anybody to say how much someone "should" enjoy a sexual act.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I don't care if he asked her 10 times last month.
> 
> The point is that in a marriage older than two decades, they've barely talked about this topic.
> 
> ...


The posters title for this thread is '*1 night mistake ruining my life....*'. The point in his post was his desire for anal sex and his wife's desire *to not have anal sex*, and he goes on to say that he doesn't want to throw away 23 years of marriage.

If anal sex is the issue and he doesn't want to throw away his marriage, isn't it logical to stop trying to have anal sex with her? Are you suggesting she submit to it even though it hurts her?

T


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Why "should" he want vaginal sex more? Lots of guys love anal sex. It's really not up to anybody to say how much someone "should" enjoy a sexual act.


No one is saying that he should not want to have anal sex. 

What people are saying is that his wife has the right to refuse anal sex. She especially has that right because her experience is that it hurts. She has the right to refuse anal sex for whatever reason she choses.

He is p!ssed because she will not submit to anal sex.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I say he should either just accept the no or leave if it means that much to him.

I am going to say if again,his wife does not really want any kind of sex,which A lot of you are just missing because you are focused on the ANAL.

He is 53 heading into just getting older so why stay around with somebody that does not really want you in the first place.Once the wife see her world is going to change when you leave she might be a lot more open because right not she know you will not man up and do anything.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> If anal sex is the issue and he doesn't want to throw away his marriage, isn't it logical to stop trying to have anal sex with her? Are you suggesting she submit to it even though it hurts her?
> 
> T


No Tony, I'm not suggesting that *at all*.

Anal sex is not the issue. Having a handful of conversations about Anal sex in a 23 year marriage is not the issue. That's a smokescreen.

The fact of the matter is that they were in a sexless relationship before the anal sex came into the picture late in their long marriage.

The anal sex disagreement is a diversion. Because a healthy marriage, with a healthy sex life, would have zero trouble surviving one unfortunate, mutual anal encounter, and a couple conversations about anal sex. Some of the posters in this thread are so myopically obsessed with the relatively inconsequential anal sex encounter that you are missing the forest for the trees.

Here we have a man who was already in a sexless marriage, and a woman who has taken it to even worse depths of sexless hell, and all some of you can do is concentrate on a handful of anal sex mentions/requests.

The root of these people's problems have absolutely _nothing_ to do with anal sex.



EleGirl said:


> No one is saying that he should not want to have anal sex.


Umm, the person I actually responded to, not generic "people" in the thread, did indeed say that her husband "should" prefer vaginal over anal. Did you not read the actual post that I was responding to?



EleGirl said:


> What people are saying is that his wife has the right to refuse anal sex. She especially has that right because her experience is that it hurts. She has the right to refuse anal sex for whatever reason she choses.


Of course she has the right. I've never stated otherwise.

But what does any of this have to do with my specific response to Prettynothing?

I feel like I'm in an episode of the _Twilight Zone_.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> To just assume that she did not want sex more often early in the marriage is because of 'bad behavior' is judging her when you have no knowledge of her side of the story.


I am judging her, yes. But I'm judging her based on her behavior. She withheld sex from her husband for years. After anal sex 5 years ago, she withheld sex at a greater rate. Now, she is insulting her husband by calling him a gay sadist. That's bad behavior. I don't care what her reasons are for originally withholding sex. I'll admit she likely has some. Maybe she's in a long-term affair. Maybe the OP is ugly. Maybe he's boring. Maybe he doesn't make enough money. Maybe he smells. I don't know. But her reasons don't excuse her behavior.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jaquen said:


> I feel like I'm in an episode of the _Twilight Zone_.


I was thinking Da Vinci Code myself. If Poster 1 is correct about his unfounded assumptions about the OP, and Poster 2 is correct about his extrapolations of Poster 1's guesses, and Poster 3 is on the right track about expanding Poster 2's theory, etc., then we can eventually conclude that the OP is an anally fixated homosexual sadist who is a direct descendant of Jesus Christ. QED


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I feel like I'm in an episode of the _Twilight Zone_.


@PHTlump
@Jaquen

*Both of you are mistaken, the poster draws a direct correlation between the decrease of sex and his pursuit of anal sex...*

_"1 drunken night 5 years ago I asked my wife for anal sex and we attempted it - WRONG! Since then our sex life has dropped from once per month to once every 2/3 months."_

He is/was not in a *sexless marriage*, he was having sex once a month, it has since decreased to once every two to three months. He certainly needs to address the frequency of sex in his marriage.

T


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> @PHTlump
> @Jaquen
> 
> *Both of you are mistaken, the poster draws a direct correlation between the decrease of sex and his pursuit of anal sex...*
> ...


Do you understand that the clinical definition of a sexless marriage is less than 10 times a year?

If he's having sex a maximum of 12 times a year, then that is a hair away from a sexless marriage. And if they miss a couple months? It's sexless. 

This is akin to his wife having stage 4, terminal cancer, him catching a cold and passing it on to her, and TAM blaming him for making her a sick woman.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Tony55 said:


> *Both of you are mistaken, the poster draws a direct correlation between the decrease of sex and his pursuit of anal sex...*


You are correct. He did draw that correlation. According to him, his wife gives the one time of anal sex as her reason for making their sexless marriage even more sexless. The relevant question is, does that make sense? Now, to a normal, reasonable person, one bad experience with anal isn't sufficient reason to decrease sex with one's spouse by 60% for many years afterward and even avoid touching him. Actually, there's little or no sufficient reason for behaving that way. What jaquen and I are saying is that, if the OP's wife is a reasonable person, then she's just using the anal incident as an excuse to deny her husband sex. We're also saying that, if she really is so traumatized from one night of drunken sex five years ago that she can't even touch her husband today, then she is batsh!t crazy and the OP should never expect her to respond to him normally.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Anal sex, banal sex, whatever.

There's something much more significant going on with the OP and his wife that has nothing to do with anal sex. Lots of missing information.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

The OP states that after years of being deprived of a reasonable amount of sex, and after he claims that the drop from monthly to every two months was precipitated by a drunken attempt at anal sex. He says this;

_"6 weeks ago there has been a strain on our marriage and we sat down to talk"_

So, this statement tells me that something happened in his marriage 6 weeks ago that caused them to have to sit down and talk; we don't know what that strain was. During this talk, he says;

_"I mentioned that I would like to try anal sex"_

Now, if the big issue is frequency of sex, I think it's reasonable to focus on that particular issue, get that resolved, work on that problem, but what does he do, he brings up the thing that he ADMITTED he believes caused his sex frequency to take a nose dive 5 years ago. Why would he do this? Isn't the point here to get to a reasonable amount of sex? He then goes on to say;

_"Since then our relationship is none existent with no touching as she feels that "leads me on"."_

Meaning since the talk 6 weeks ago, in which he mentions anal sex.

_"I now feel that one night 5 years ago is ruining our lives and marriage."

Admitting that he believes anal sex 5 years ago is ruining his marriage.

"I try talking to her about anal sex and she then asks if I am gay"_

And then he says;

_"Any suggestions..."_


How can anyone, particularly Jaquen, not believe that dropping the anal sex thing is not a reasonable suggestion?

Jaquen says, _"Here we have a man who was already in a sexless marriage, and a woman who has taken it to even worse depths of sexless hell, and all some of you can do is concentrate on a handful of anal sex mentions/requests."_

I'm not sure why he doesn't think that dropping the suggestion of anal sex is important; it's obviously a point of contention with the OP's wife.

How does Jaquen not see that the OP discusses two major points in his first post, anal sex and lack of sex?

Can someone clarify this for me?

T


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

We had a lunch time meeting on Tuesday and it came it that she WAS having an affair with a family friend, after which we both returned to work - well she did. 

I went home and packed her bags, met her a work and when she got in the car she realized I had packed for her - she did ask where I was taking her, but she soon discovered I was taking her to her lover.

I knocked on the door with suit case at my feet and when he answered the door all pally pally, he saw my (soon to be ex wife) had been crying and with that distraction I broke his nose and when he tried to punch me I then broke his arm, his wife came to see what the problem was and after she had called the ambulance I explained the situation and whilst her husband was in the hospital having his arm and nose fixed she packed his bags too.

Needless to say my children are struggling to come to terms with the situation and my wife phones me constantly, leaving pathetic messages about the "good old days". She obviously wants me to take her back and she has already agreed to A if I take her back - TOO LATE.

Solicitors involved now for the 3 year affair, that was done under the premise of taking our children to school on alternate days - they apparently went back after dropping the kids off and did the deed then!

I wish to thank everyone for their input.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> \
> Jaquen says, _"Here we have a man who was already in a sexless marriage, and a woman who has taken it to even worse depths of sexless hell, and all some of you can do is concentrate on a handful of anal sex mentions/requests."_
> 
> I'm not sure why he doesn't think that dropping the suggestion of anal sex is important; it's obviously a point of contention with the OP's wife.
> ...


You've got comprehension difficulties.

Since you seem to enjoy going back and piece mealing posts, take a look back and find a single post where I recommended that the OP continue asking his wife for anal sex.

You won't find one.

The point that you seem totally unwilling, or unable, to grasp is that there were obviously deep sexual problems in the marriage long before the anal sex incident. Anal sex is NOT the reason this woman is withdrawing from sex.

EDIT: Oh look, turns out I was right:



marriedsadnlonely said:


> We had a lunch time meeting on Tuesday and *it came it that she WAS having an affair with a family friend*, after which we both returned to work - well she did.


Sorry Marriedsadnlonely, that's awful. You might want to take your plight now over to the Coping with Infidelity section. Lots of people there will understand, and provide you with support during this difficult time.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> We had a lunch time meeting on Tuesday and it came it that she WAS having an affair ...


Sorry to hear it, MSL. It's good for you that you were able to discover the affair so quickly. Many folks on these boards struggle for months to verify, or rule out, an affair. Now, you can work a plan.



marriedsadnlonely said:


> I went home and packed her bags, met her a work and when she got in the car she realized I had packed for her - she did ask where I was taking her, but she soon discovered I was taking her to her lover.


Well played. Even if you eventually decide to reconcile, the absolute worst thing you could have done would have been to immediately forgive her. You, and she, have discovered that you still have a sack.



marriedsadnlonely said:


> ... I broke his nose and when he tried to punch me I then broke his arm, ...


Sweet! I hope you don't have any legal fallout from this. And if I were called for jury duty in your case, you wouldn't. But I know you'll look back on that moment and smile for years to come.



marriedsadnlonely said:


> Solicitors involved now for the 3 year affair, that was done under the premise of taking our children to school on alternate days - they apparently went back after dropping the kids off and did the deed then!


Sadly, this situation is all too common. A wife doesn't have time for sex with you more than 6 times a year, but she's screwing another man 5 times a week.

So, the good news is that you know now that you're not crazy. All the reasons your wife gave you for avoiding sex, including you being a homosexual, anally fixated sadist, were just misdirection to keep you on the defensive so that you didn't suspect her affair.

You should absolutely head to the Coping With Infidelity board for some more specific and knowledgeable support.

Good luck.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> We had a lunch time meeting on Tuesday and it came it that she WAS having an affair with a family friend, after which we both returned to work - well she did.
> 
> I went home and packed her bags, met her a work and when she got in the car she realized I had packed for her - she did ask where I was taking her, but she soon discovered I was taking her to her lover.
> 
> ...


So how did the subject come up at lunch?

Also, can you see anything (red flags) in the past that now makes you realize the affair was going on?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> We had a lunch time meeting on Tuesday and it came it that she WAS having an affair with a family friend, after which we both returned to work - well she did.
> 
> I went home and packed her bags, met her a work and when she got in the car she realized I had packed for her - she did ask where I was taking her, but she soon discovered I was taking her to her lover.
> 
> ...


I hope for his and her sake THEY never engaged in anal or there could be two obituaries in the paper.

Good on you man, that's exactly what they both deserve. Actually, they both deserve more but that's a good start.

Short-term, I agree with PHTlump, head to the Coping with Infidelity section and just vent and get some help and guidance.

As someone who was cheated on a lot in the past, make sure to get your name dis-associated with hers immediately. That means back accounts, credit cards, phones, mortgages, etc. Everything that is legally binding, get it seperated from hers. I didn't do that right away with my ex and she screwed up my credit royally in just a few weeks.

Also, be sure to pull back and focus on what really matters now, your job and your kids. Let her figure out her stuff, she made her bed, let her lie in it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well that's a solution.

Sorry to hear that this is what was going on. You now have yet another reason to do what you wanted to do... end your marriage.

Seems that she was not happy in the marriage. That's pretty clear.

I wonder if you will end up charged with assault and battery. Could happen.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

You refer to solicitors, which makes me think you're in Great Britain. I don't know how things work there, but here in California I'd be advising you to have a criminal defense lawyer ready. You played it well and gave your wife what she deserved, but here District Attorneys would frown on your attacking the other guy.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> It hurt her and everytime I mention anal she says do I like hurting her and I don't.


Anal sex can be excruciatingly painful for the woman. A fully erect penis is _hard_, and the anus is _NOT_ designed to accept things that big going into it, but to push things out. It HURTS. And although you don't enjoy hurting her, it CAN seem like you don't care about her by continuing to press the anal issue. 

Honestly, let the anal sex go. The more you ask for it, the more you're going to cause damage to an already unhealthy and, nearly, sexless marriage.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> Tried 5 years and asked 1 month ago - that's pestering....


For something that's _painful_, yes. Look, I'm only giving you my opinion, and my situation with the anal sex is relatively similar to yours. The difference is that my husband hasn't ever asked for it since we first tried it. If he were to ever ask for it again, even if it were twenty years from now, I would call that pestering. 

Anal sex is not a requirement for a happy, healthy sex life. And since it is physically painful for her, and she doesn't enjoy it, _she_ should be the one to decide whether or not it happens. Otherwise all respect and trust in the sexual relationship dissolves because it does look like you don't care about her physical pain. Even though you do care, you just have immense sexual passion for her, that isn't what it looks like to her.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> She doesn't complain as I give her everything possible and she wants for nothing.


Women are complicated, and yet, simple. Some of us can be money hogging, selfish, whiny witches. But the majority of us really just want to be understood and accepted for who we really are. We don't want to feel like we have to compete with other women to make our men happy, or put ourselves into physically or emotionally painful situations just so our husbands feel loved. 

Just because she doesn't "complain" doesn't mean she's completely happy in your marriage. Not all women complain when they're unhappy. And financially providing for her every need does NOT equate to emotional fulfillment. She's a woman, she needs to feel fulfilled as your wife. Do you ever buy her flowers? Do you say romantic things to her? Do you cuddle? Buy her her favorite wine and let her relax while you take the kids to bed, or do the dishes? And all of this WITHOUT the expectation or implication that you want sex?

Now, please don't misunderstand. Your wife is WRONG for denying you sexual fulfillment. As a husband you need to feel fulfilled as a man too, and sex is one way that communicates that to men. Your wife is wrong for denying you this. But you're not perfect, and I doubt very much that she is completely happy. And since you can't change her, you CAN figure out what she is unhappy with, and fix that.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, sorry to hear about the affair. I can't say I agree with the way you handled it...but it wasn't my decision to make.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> For something that's _painful_, yes. Look, I'm only giving you my opinion, and my situation with the anal sex is relatively similar to yours. The difference is that my husband hasn't ever asked for it since we first tried it. If he were to ever ask for it again, even if it were twenty years from now, I would call that pestering.


Interesting viewpoint C2W.

I'm not arguing with you here, just trying to wrap my head around it. As a man, if my wife was interested in doing some pegging, I doubt I'd actually do it, but for the sake of discussion, I'll say I did do it and I'll say it hurt (because I assume it would).

If I told my wife that hurt and I didn't want to do that again, yes it would bug me if she asked again two weeks later. But five years later, I personally wouldn't view it as pestering, especially if she had done some research on it and felt she had a way to make it less painful (which could be the case with the OP, maybe they just tried it dry the first time, I believe they said they were drinking and it wasn't a planned thing).

I guess for me personally I wouldn't view that length of time between inquires as pestering, especially if it's brought back up in a positive, respectful way. I mean it would be her fantasy, not mine, so to expect her to wait for me to think about it again isn't really fair either, as what's the chance I'm going to have a fair sided review of something I don't have much interest in and which caused me pain the first time? But her bringing it back up, respectfully to me, would help me start to think about it again.

I know I wouldn't really react negatively if my wife wanted to revisit or discuss something from our past which caused stress or pain (such as a bankruptcy or something else) so why wouldn't I allow discussion (and I'm only talking about discussing the issue here) of a topic relating to sex as well?

I'm just curious on your viewpoint C2W, I've always respected your views so I'm interested in picking your brain here, no disrespect intended.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Anal sex can be excruciatingly painful for the woman. A fully erect penis is _hard_, and the anus is _NOT_ designed to accept things that big going into it, but to push things out.


While I do gather your point C2W, and believe you are talking about your own personal discomfort, this is physiologically incorrect.

The anus is actually, quite safely if you do it right, able to accommodate the size of even the largest erect penises. There are indeed people who practice anal fisting, and insert even larger objects into themselves.

Anal penetration is painful...for _some_.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*She is physiologically correct.*
_Originally Posted by Created2Write 
Anal sex can be excruciatingly painful for the woman. A fully erect penis is hard, and the anus is NOT designed to accept things that big going into it, but to push things out._​


jaquen said:


> While I do gather your point C2W, and believe you are talking about your own personal discomfort, this is physiologically incorrect.
> 
> The anus is actually, quite safely if you do it right, able to accommodate the size of even the largest erect penises. There are indeed people who practice anal fisting, and insert even larger objects into themselves.
> 
> Anal penetration is painful...for _some_.


Why would you want to make a case for the acceptance of something into the anus of a woman who specifically points out that it's excruciatingly painful, or for that matter any woman who chooses not to do it?

If a man is fixated on anal penetration then he's welcome to penetrate himself all he wants, just leave the other peoples rectums alone. Why is this so difficult for some guys (Jaquen and PHTlump) to understand?

T

_Edit: mistakenly placed Kingsfan where I meant to place PHTlump._


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Why would you want to make a case for the acceptance of something into the anus of a woman who specifically points out that it's excruciatingly painful, or for that matter any woman who chooses not to do it?


Considering that I never made such a case, I can't answer that question.

But a question for you, I do have. What's up with your shoddy comprehension skills? You have an extraordinary knack for attributing arguments to posters that not even they attempted to make. It's like you're reading a totally different board than anybody else. This is the umpteenth time you've completely fabricated a point I was making, a point others seem to have no trouble at all understanding. I am beginning to think you're doing all this on purpose...



Tony55 said:


> If a man is fixated on anal penetration then he's welcome to penetrate himself all he wants, just leave the other peoples rectums alone. Why is this so difficult for some guys (Jaquen and Kingsfan) to understand?
> 
> T


You do realize I am talking about women who are willing, able, and excited, about anal sex? That not a single post I've ever made on TAM suggested a man shove his penis up the anus of a woman who finds it painful, uncomfortable, or disgusting?

Hence I will requote the parts you obviously missed, or are unable to comprehend:



jaquen said:


> Anal penetration is painful...for _*some*_.


You do know the definition of "some", correct?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Considering that I never made such a case, I can't answer that question. That not a single post I've ever made on TAM suggested a man shove his penis up the anus of a woman who finds it painful, uncomfortable, or disgusting?


This is Jaquen defending the case for anal sex to a woman who commented that she tried it and it was excruciatingly painful. She went on to say that the anus is not designed to accept thing into it.

*Jaquen: "The anus is actually, quite safely if you do it right, able to accommodate the size of even the largest erect penises. There are indeed people who practice anal fisting, and insert even larger objects into themselves."*

For Jaquen to *challenge* the female poster on something she has obviously tried and felt fervently about, indicates that he's either trying to make a case *for anal sex* or he's simply being argumentative for the sake of being argumentative.

He goes on to say that the *women was incorrect about the physiology* of the human anus, when she pointed out that it is designed for objects leaving the anus, not going into it. Yet he was completely incorrect to tell her this, she was, in fact correct. Physiological means something that's characteristic of, or appropriate to, an organism's healthy or normal functioning.

Again, these posts were made to a woman who simply pointed out that she doesn't like it, it hurts, and it's not made to have things put into it.

Why? Why would Jaquen respond to her post this way? It's simple, he was either making an argument FOR anal sex, or defending the act of anal sex, to a woman who's not interested in anal sex.

I've seen this poster do this before, become defensive about something he believes to the point in which he starts to intrude on other peoples opinions or beliefs, he's even gone as far as to call other people ignorant if they don't see things his way, one example of this is in this comment;

*"You people need to stop. Some of you are egregiously ignorant, at best."*

When this original poster on this thread felt he might have ruined his life because he had drunken anal sex with his wife, and even mentioned 'anal sex' three times in his very first post, many people suggested a good place to start is to stop pestering his wife with anal sex. Jaquens' reaction to those posters was...

*"Something is very, very disconcerting about the way this man is being reprimanded in this thread."

"Why "should" he want vaginal sex more? Lots of guys love anal sex. It's really not up to anybody to say how much someone "should" enjoy a sexual act.

" Some of the posters in this thread are so myopically obsessed with the relatively inconsequential anal sex encounter that you are missing the forest for the trees."*

I don't think anyone here was suggesting that anal sex in itself was the root of the problem, but it was obvious that the woman, who was already withholding sex, was particularly repulsed by any attempts to have anal sex, and since the OP mentions it often in his post, and is the subject of his thread topic, a reasonable person would suggest that a good start would be to drop the pursuit of anal sex.

But Jaquen wasn't about to have that, and as such, derailed this thread by focusing on the defense of a mans right to pursue sex with a woman's anus.

Ultimately, the OP discovered his wife was having an affair, something that probably would have been explored as a potential possibility, had the discussions not been derailed into whether or not the OP should stop pursuing anal sex, in fact, once the advice was given to stop, to remove that one obvious act as a point of contention, it should have moved on to exploring what else was going on in the marriage, not a discussion on whether Jaquen THINKS it it should or shouldn't be advised to drop the anal pursuit.

I've witnessed this same uncanny pursuit, in another thread, in which a major point of contention is mentioned in the OP's original post and then devolve into a battle when Jaquen decided that the OP's mention of their "sexuality" was not important to the discussion, and went on to admonish anyone who tried to mention it in their posts.

I'll be here for you my friend, I'll offer you the balance, I'll be here to remind you when you're trying to move a thread away from exploring all potential issues and advice, and I'll be here for you when you start trying to hammer other members over their opinions.

T


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> This is Jaquen defending the case for anal sex to a woman who commented that she tried it and it was excruciatingly painful. She went on to say that the anus is not designed to accept thing into it.
> 
> *Jaquen: "The anus is actually, quite safely if you do it right, able to accommodate the size of even the largest erect penises. There are indeed people who practice anal fisting, and insert even larger objects into themselves."*
> 
> ...


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

Update on my situation, wife's body found in river. It looks as though she could not live with what she had done (the affair) and took her own life and jumped in a river that currently is flooded at the time the temperature was -2C medics told me she had no chance once she was in the water. 

My kids are devastated but WE WILL get through it.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

He is lucky I ONLY did his nose and arm as I am an ex special forces member in the UK and I know several ways to kill someone with a single blow. So he is lucky with the outcome he got. The police have been called and they told me no action will be taken against me due to the situation - he attacked me and I defended myself.

In my situation what would you have done sat down and tried to talk to him while he tried to punch you? Pathetic! 

It sounds as though you lead your husband around by the balls - like most women.



Created2Write said:


> Well, sorry to hear about the affair. I can't say I agree with the way you handled it...but it wasn't my decision to make.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Dead God...

I don't even know what to say.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

What ???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

I'm sorry my friend, I saw the news story. You've got a lot to deal with right now. Stay strong. This is a terrible outcome to a terrible situation. I think it's important for you to know that based on what you've written here, discovering the affair and dropping her off at the other mans house, was a completely reasonable way to react the shock of an affair.

I'm sorry for your kids and I'm sorry for you and I'm very sorry that your wife had gotten to a place where she had lost all hope.

Where was your wife living after you dropped her off at the OM's house? Was she staying with friends or family?

T


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't do anything stupid.. Don't get into trouble over OM. Your kids need you.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Where was your wife living after you dropped her off at the OM's house? Was she staying with friends or family?
> 
> T


She was living with a female friend.


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## marriedsadnlonely (Nov 27, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Don't do anything stupid.. Don't get into trouble over OM. Your kids need you.


I sure will not, I have been in blacker situations with my previous "job" so I do now there is light at the end of the tunnel.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

I think this thread has run it's course. You need professional counseling. Not advice from a bunch of Internet people. 
Personally I think this thread has dissolved into the realms of fantasy. Not sure what it is. But something does not sit right with me.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

marriedsadnlonely said:


> I sure will not, I have been in blacker situations with my previous "job" so I do now there is light at the end of the tunnel.


*Do the police in Glasgow know you are former special forces?*

T


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Oldmatelot said:


> I think this thread has run it's course. You need professional counseling. Not advice from a bunch of Internet people.
> Personally I think this thread has dissolved into the realms of fantasy. Not sure what it is. But something does not sit right with me.


+1


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> *She is physiologically correct.*
> _Originally Posted by Created2Write
> Anal sex can be excruciatingly painful for the woman. A fully erect penis is hard, and the anus is NOT designed to accept things that big going into it, but to push things out._​
> 
> ...


Ummm, excuse me? Where have I EVER said I support anal sex? I have posted repeatedly that I am not into anal sex, not interested in anal sex and think that any man who insists on anal sex should be willing to get pegged by his wife first. I asked C2W a question about the mindset she has, that's all. Based on your posts, especially in other threads such as the one with the asexual wife, I think you have a serious reading comprehension problem and would be best served to take more time reading what people write before accusing them of things they haven't posted.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Ummm, excuse me? Where have I EVER said I support anal sex? I have posted repeatedly that I am not into anal sex, not interested in anal sex and think that any man who insists on anal sex should be willing to get pegged by his wife first. I asked C2W a question about the mindset she has, that's all. Based on your posts, especially in other threads such as the one with the asexual wife, I think you have a serious reading comprehension problem and would be best served to take more time reading what people write before accusing them of things they haven't posted.


*Kingsfan, I completely apologize about that, I meant PHTlump, not you. I'll make the correction.*

My comprehension, on the other hand, is exceedingly clear, so much so, that what might not be apparent to the casual reader, is usually pretty obvious to me; if it isn't, I ask the questions I need to draw my own conclusions.

T


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Tony55 said:


> *Kingsfan, I completely apologize about that, I meant PHTlump, not you. I'll make the correction.*
> 
> My comprehension, on the other hand, is exceedingly clear, so much so, that what might not be apparent to the casual reader, is usually pretty obvious to me; if it isn't, I ask the questions I need to draw my own conclusions.
> 
> T


Give it a rest. The OP's wife is now dead after having a long-term affair and gas-lighting her husband about their sex life. You think this is the time to continue making ridiculous arguments about whether an anus can accommodate a penis and whether you, alone, can divine the secrets of God's blueprints for sex, as well as the hidden meanings of internet forum posts? I'll just say, again, that I disagree. Unless the OP wants to discuss his wife's death further, which would surprise me, this thread should end.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Give it a rest... ...I'll just say, again, that I disagree. Unless the OP wants to discuss his wife's death further, which would surprise me, this thread should end.


*Well, my friend, that isn't for you to decide, I suggest if you've lost interest in this posters plight, then move on.*

T


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Deleted. Just saw the latest news.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Again, deleted.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I wish the mods would close this thread. People are going to continue to post here, totally unaware of the sad outcome...


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

There are a few assumptions being made. Two unfortunate people have been found dead. I see no evidence that this is the OP and his wife. 
The young lady that was found dead was 23. From the OPs posts you would figure his wife was a lot older. 
The whole 'special forces' line I believe is bull. That's a US expression. No UK special forces would describe themselves as such. Or even admit on a public forum they were such. 
''In my other job'' Please, what a crock. Myself I served over 20 years in the UK military. Saw action in 3 separate conflicts. To me the OP sounded like what we would call a 'Walt' 
My guess us he was a cook in the Army for maybe a year or so and then was kicked out. (They always seem to have been cooks)
Oh we'll, back to work. 
I agree mods, delete this thread it serves no purpose but to feed a troll.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Oldmatelot said:


> There are a few assumptions being made. Two unfortunate people have been found dead. I see no evidence that this is the OP and his wife.


It seems at this point that he was making this story up about his wife, and then made up the story about putting the guy in the hospital, and then coincidentally, a lady comes up dead in the river in his town so he decides to say his wife was found dead in a river.

I found the news of the dead woman in Glasgow, Scotland and sent the police this thread that same day.

Now you know why I posted to the OP asking, "Do the police in Glasgow know you are former special forces?"

He never answered after that. Scared.

T


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hm... strange things


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> *But the fact remains women do magically open up sexually in an affair *


I'm late to this game, and haven't finished reading all the posts, but i had to respond to this one. 1) I'm not for infidelity. 2) women do not "magically" open up in an affair, they open up and surrender when they can trust their partner and trust themselves. 3) I'm guessing there is also a difference in a man's actions or behaviors with women they have affairs with v. their wives. I mean you just don't go down the block and ask for sex right, there has to be some seduction involved. Hmmm.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Here is an absolutist statement for you. Wives and husbands are supposed to have sex. A wife who is great, except for sex, is a lousy wife.


Again, late to this game, but somethings i just have to say:

Here is another absolutist statement: Wives and husbands are supposed to be committed to each other. A husband who is great, but can't see past his sexual needs to appreciate his wife and remain committed to his wife, is a lousy husband.

I think we both can agree on this; absolutist statements suck the big one.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Ina said:


> Again, late to this game, but somethings i just have to say:
> 
> Here is another absolutist statement: Wives and husbands are supposed to be committed to each other. A husband who is great, but can't see past his sexual needs to appreciate his wife and remain committed to his wife, is a lousy husband.
> 
> I think we both can agree on this; absolutist statements suck the big one.


Read the two last pages.

T


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Ina said:


> I'm late to this game, and haven't finished reading all the posts, but i had to respond to this one. 1) I'm not for infidelity. 2) women do not "magically" open up in an affair,


Well if you are not one for infidelity, then how would you know?

It is my *READING ON THIS FORUM* that made me aware of the fact that women will do things with their affair partners that they would not do with their spouses, and thus formed this observation.

I don't have 3 hours to track back through all the threads in the CWI section that I have read over the past several months to provide endless examples, but it seems to be a common enough circumstance.

Probably something to do with the affair being in a state of suspended or alternate reality in the WW's mind, somewhere where they could just be a sl*t without any ramifications or judgement.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Well if you are not one for infidelity, then how would you know?
> .


I should have said that women don't magically open up JUST in affairs. Some of us (many in fact) magically open up in our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Well if you are not one for infidelity, then how would you know?


And just because I haven't been unfaithful does not mean I do not understand. That would be akin to me assuming you can't understand why women have affairs because you are a man. Lastly why any individual has an affair is irrelevant to me (unless that individual is my H, then it would very salient). I just see someone who made the CHOICE that their unfulfilled needs and expectations superseded their commitment. It doesn't make them horrible people and doesn't mean that a person can't empathize with the situation that led to their choice. Doesn't mean that they should never be forgiven. Not a blame game, it just is what it is. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Read the two last pages.
> 
> T


Stuff got too weird and now I'm on my soap box. Getting off now (off the box that is!).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ina said:


> Again, late to this game, but somethings i just have to say:
> 
> Here is another absolutist statement: Wives and husbands are supposed to be committed to each other. A husband who is great, but can't see past his sexual needs to appreciate his wife and remain committed to his wife, is a lousy husband.
> 
> I think we both can agree on this; absolutist statements suck the big one.


For most people sex is part of a marriage. No sex... no marriage. YMMV.


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