# She outgrew me, can it really be this simple?



## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

We've been seperated but stuck in a rural home together for over a month now and we've gotten around to really picking our 16 year relationship apart now that I'm over the initial shock.

A lot of good has come from it and we are on great terms now but she's starting to open my eyes to how much she's changed.

I met her as a 19 yr old party girl and I was in a rock band, we had an amazing first 10 years and she was building her career and education part-time. (I was jamming and pulling wrenches)

After our babies were born she jumped back into her career with force and my full support. And it took off!

The funny thing is we started to want different things for our future, we talked about it but neither of us would push the issue. Fast forward 5 years and we have grown into very different adults, both stable and supportive just different.

She's been saying I'd be happier with someone else more like me and I'm starting to agree :slap: I would rather build hot rods and play music than live in a downtown high rise apartment or townhouse. 

Could I really have stayed in love with that young version of her this long and ignored the obvious?

.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She obviously has goals. I believe most adults do and most grow considerably between 19 and 35. According to your post, she's been educating herself and trying to advance her career, presumably so your family could have a brighter future. What have you spent the last 16 years doing? Growth is obviously important to her but it doesn't sound like it's important to you. Looking at it another way, building hot rods and playing music sound like activities you do primarily to please yourself. My brother has a GED and loves to work with his hands. Since they married, his wife has gone from high school to grad school and is now a well paid nurse. While their educations are different, their focus is on caring for the family and each other. They both enjoy motorcycles, shooting, and things my brother has interest in. They both go antiquing, discuss history, do gardening, and participate in activities she's interested in. Never saw two people more in love. I guess the point is, they grew differently but at the same time they grew together. 16 years is a long time to invest but y'all must both get along pretty well to make it that long. Maybe she's just looking for a little more drive and ambition from you and maybe you need for her to let her hair down and play a little every now and then. It would be a dull world if we were all the same.


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## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

Yeah it certainly can happen that you grow apart, me and my soon to be ex H did. In the begining we seemed so perfectly matched, we had different ideas but seemed to match each other prefectly, so much so that we were the envy of most people that we were so much in love. However since having children I have become more hippyish (for want of a better word) want my son to grow up surrounded by love and I have a keen interest in most things holistic, enjoying the benefits of being a reiki person and growing my own vegs, recycling and generally thinking outside the box. However, he has been drawn more into his younger days of getting ridiculously drunk at the weekend and sneering at me because of my hippy veiws. In short we have grown into very different people.

Our split unfortunately has not been a good one, but I am trying my hardest to stay nice with him for the sake of our child, which is one of the hardest things I could do.

If you truly think that there is a way to salvage what you had then you BOTH ned to compramise, but I guess thats easier said than done.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Thank you for your responses!

I have been building my career over the years and I own my business, as well as I've tried to start a different career more matched to hers for many years but I keep falling back on my trade.

I actually read her your post "Unbelievable" when it came across my cell phone this morning, she agreed with most of it but when you talked about your brother and his wife doing his hobbies together she just laughed. She has no interest in giving.

You sound like the kind of girl she hopes I find gypsygirl, and I would love someone kind who cares more about health than money.

She's told me she wants a more submissive man like she had before me (and she may be having an EA with the guy before me). We are both the oldest kids from big controlling families and we both think that they are the reason we've never been honest with each other about growing apart.

I know she's acting tough because she's on a mission to change her life to exactly what she wants and I feel her wavering when I make her talk about what a divorce could do to our kids and making it go on the record that she's the one who wants to break our family up. 

But her honesty has made me realize how much she's been putting me down the last few years and how I've been reacting to it. I want to get back to my confident self and enjoy my life again, but not waking up with my girls in the next room is going to be VERY painfull.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Another week of good communication and honesty between us, we spent some time talking about her many issues and habit of ignoring them and the effect that has had on our marriage. I hope she trys IC and works through them for her own good.

It's really interesting to openly talk about the past and realize all the things that were never dealt with or how both of us saw the others actions and held grudges even when we shouldn't have. Much too late to do anything about it but it's nice to set things straight. And I'm starting to see how many years ago I knew we were growing apart but wouldn't face it, hindsight's 20/20 I guess.

We have 6 months before we can move back across the country and we've begun to seperate our things and plan the move. It's very hard to do this so slowly while still living together but I'm being helpfull and staying positive about my own future.

As a result she's being flexible about our finances and debt and we're developing a plan to give me a chance to get back on my feet. I appreciate the kindness and I'm glad she sees that because of the kids we won't really be out of each other's life so we should make every effort to do this as smooth as possible.

And thank god for this forum:smthumbup:


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