# Husband and sex problem



## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. I've reached out for help before and I'm asking again. I have trouble with him because normally all he wants is for me to watch him or help him masturbate. We have gone through therapy and he felt it was a result of him doing that with porn on a Near daily frequency. He says he's stopped that now but who knows. All I know is that I woke him up 2 weeks ago by just rubbing his back. In about a minute he turned over and was already "done". He said that he couldn't help it.. The back rubbing turned him on. Seriously! 

The most recent occurrence this weekend he acted like he deserved a medal because he actually had physical sex with me. It was over in about 30 seconds. I'm so annoyed with him for various other relationship issues.. I was actually happy it was over. He also is on a very strict diet. He's skin and bones and his breathe smells! He brushes his teeth but it's just awful. I'm guessing it's from ketosis. (weight loss). 

I just am at a loss on how to get motivated to even WANT to be with him. I'm starting to think it's best if we just live together for the kids. He says that I got him hooked on porn months ago... Because my discussing our sexual problems caused him to feel inferior in bed. So I surely can't tell him again and add the bad breathe problem!

I'm stuck. And not happy about it.
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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm not real sure why you would even want to WANT him. I have read some of your other threads, and can't for the life of me figure out why someone would still want to be with someone who doesn't treat them well. 

I like how he blames you for turning him on to porn all because you were trying to discuss your sexual problems, and he felt inferior. 

If thats his excuse, you should have a ton of excuses yourself.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

So in addition to being abusive to your son he's a lousy lay too? Girl why are you still with this man?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Well I had this thought last night that maybe I could get him back into counseling. But your comments in this thread are very dead on. 

Why bother? Well because I can't even imagine being divorced but I guess I've got to get over it. Part of me wonders if it is ME but I can tell you I still want sex. Just not with him. I seriously cover up when I'm around him. 

Our master bath is built with the ability to see into the shower clearly. He comes by to "enjoy the view". But it's always "hey it looks like you might have lost some weight" or glad to see you took my advice on working those triceps. I just want to cringe. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. But these things make me feel so awkward. Especially since hd often tells me unsolicited if I look fat in something. I'm 5'9 and 131 pounds. I work out daily. 

Ugh. This is hard. 




magnoliagal said:


> So in addition to being abusive to your son he's a lousy lay too? Girl why are you still with this man?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

crazycat25 said:


> Our master bath is built with the ability to see into the shower clearly. He comes by to "enjoy the view". But it's always "hey it looks like you might have lost some weight" or glad to see you took my advice on working those triceps. I just want to cringe. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. But these things make me feel so awkward. Especially since hd often tells me unsolicited if I look fat in something. I'm 5'9 and 131 pounds. I work out daily.


Good lord he's an ass. You are thin and he's got the gall to be critical. Do you know how many men would kill to be with woman with a killer body like yours?

You deserve better.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

You really think that's mean behavior? He's the only man I've ever lived with so I just thought this kind of behavior was typical. But I will admit I hate the invasion of privacy. For awhile ... Last year.. I would have to race through the shower because he'd just jump in and ask me to "help him" get showered. 

I hated that and thank God that has stopped. 

UOTE=magnoliagal;310723]Good lord he's an ass. You are thin and he's got the gall to be critical. Do you know how many men would kill to be with woman with a killer body like yours?

You deserve better.[/QUOTE]
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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> You really think that's mean behavior? He's the only man I've ever lived with so I just thought this kind of behavior was typical. But I will admit I hate the invasion of privacy. For awhile ... Last year.. I would have to race through the shower because he'd just jump in and ask me to "help him" get showered.
> 
> I hated that and thank God that has stopped.


No, that is not typical or even acceptable. I am a man in my late 40's, my wife is about the same age. She is 5'3" and about 120 lbs. She is friggin' HOT HOT HOT! I tell her all the time. She also works out and eats sensibly, but not crazy diet stupid.
I would never tell her that she looks "fat" in anything. I may (if asked) tell her that a particular item does not flatter her ( I'm no dummy!).
I also want to be with her naked as often as possible and not for a hand job.
Your husband is an *******.
We aren't all complete pigs.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ok it's like that gut feeling you had when he got in your son's face. If you have to race through a shower in your own home for fear of him invading your space. That's ABUSE! He has no respect for you or your son. And absolutely it's NOT normal.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Well thank you for that perspective. Most who know my husband would probably be shocked at these statements. 
My husband (since therapy) will also tell me when he thinks I look hot. But as you can probably tell the way he goes about it.. Is hurtful. "wow you look like you might have lost a little weight". I can hear him arguing that he was complimenting me! You see why I feel so confused? Sure I can see his point but it is a constant implication that I still need work. 

Usually I will get compliments when I wear something he picked out. And he has a problem if my underwear and bra don't match. He wants them to be the same color or "it bothers him". This isn't just in bed.. But daily. 

Is that typical? Thanks for telling me this stuff. 




DanF said:


> No, that is not typical or even acceptable. I am a man in my late 40's, my wife is about the same age. She is 5'3" and about 120 lbs. She is friggin' HOT HOT HOT! I tell her all the time. She also works out and eats sensibly, but not crazy diet stupid.
> I would never tell her that she looks "fat" in anything. I may (if asked) tell her that a particular item does not flatter her ( I'm no dummy!).
> I also want to be with her naked as often as possible and not for a hand job.
> Your husband is an *******.
> We aren't all complete pigs.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ok here's another way to look at it. How would YOU treat someone else? Would you do this to another person? Or what if a friend said her husband was doing this stuff to her what would you say?

I've been in an abusive relationship before and like you was shocked to find out that things I thought were normal were not. Being told your choice of underwear "bothers him" and only getting compliments when you wear something HE chose is controlling behavior and it's not okay. The red flag for me is how he's treating your son. I suspect it goes to you as well it just takes a different form. My guess is if you stood up to him you would see the same wrath he shows your son. So far he's fine because you tip toe around and you know how to keep him placated. You walk on eggshells.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

No I see what your saying. I wonder what I could do to "test him" so I could see it with my own eyes. I've Been so beaten down I suppose that I question every single thing and I honestly can't judge when I am voicing normal concern or if I'm just being picky. 

For example, we work together. He tries to tell me what to do all the time and I typically just try to ignore him and listen to whatever I NEED to 

So what could I do to get this fully exposed for myself? 

UOTE=magnoliagal;310803]Ok here's another way to look at it. How would YOU treat someone else? Would you do this to another person? Or what if a friend said her husband was doing this stuff to her what would you say?

I've been in an abusive relationship before and like you was shocked to find out that things I thought were normal were not. Being told your choice of underwear "bothers him" and only getting compliments when you wear something HE chose is controlling behavior and it's not okay. The red flag for me is how he's treating your son. I suspect it goes to you as well it just takes a different form. My guess is if you stood up to him you would see the same wrath he shows your son. So far he's fine because you tip toe around and you know how to keep him placated. You walk on eggshells.[/QUOTE]
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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> Usually I will get compliments when I wear something he picked out. And he has a problem if my underwear and bra don't match. He wants them to be the same color or "it bothers him". This isn't just in bed.. But daily.
> 
> Is that typical? Thanks for telling me this stuff.
> 
> ...


Well, I may be a little guilty of something similar to that. I think my wife has a great figure and I like to see it when she's dressed. But I hate seeing "granny panty" lines. I will tell her, "Please don't wear those panties. I can see the lines and I don't think it's attractive." I don't like to see panty lines on any woman.
Whether her bra and panties match? That is of no concern to me.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Oh of course I wouldn't wear granny panties. . Def not! 

Here's an interesting twist to all of this. He is on a severe diet. I have paid for him to go to a trainer and food coach because he looks worrisome. He's 6'3. And is weighing 158 today he says... He is doing nearly an hour of exercise a day. I think this is because of his self esteem issues... Which connect back to the bedroom too. 

I don't know what to do. I've stopped commenting now. My therapist said just stop. No compliments. No nothing. Today he told me 2 co workers told him he looks like a 12 year old boy. He asked me if that was true? I said well no one should say that... But you definitely are thin. He said well good. I'm glad people are noticing. 


DanF said:


> Well, I may be a little guilty of something similar to that. I think my wife has a great figure and I like to see it when she's dressed. But I hate seeing "granny panty" lines. I will tell her, "Please don't wear those panties. I can see the lines and I don't think it's attractive." I don't like to see panty lines on any woman.
> Whether her bra and panties match? That is of no concern to me.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He is projecting his self esteem issues off onto you. Now you just need to decide if you can put up with that. Sometimes even if you know where someone elses behavior stems from, still doesn't make it right or make the things they do and say hurt less.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

trey69 said:


> *He is projecting his self esteem issues off onto you.* Now you just need to decide if you can put up with that. Sometimes even if you know where someone elses behavior stems from, still doesn't make it right or make the things they do and say hurt less.


:iagree::iagree:


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Well having said that... How do I go about accepting these things (if I do) and getting the gumption to want to be with him physically. I just don't. Can that be overcome? 

The masturbation... Skinny skeleton body and bad breathe. I feel awful because I shouldn't judge my own husband but I can't help it!

UOTE=MGirl;310891]:iagree::iagree:[/QUOTE]
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## mysteryman (Apr 15, 2011)

he is crazy he would rather jack off in his hand than inside you, that's just digusting


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

mysteryman said:


> he is crazy he would rather jack off in his hand than inside you, that's just digusting


Yep.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

What would cause that? Could he be gay or something? It's just so weird... 



magnoliagal said:


> Yep.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Good lord he's an ass. You are thin and he's got the gall to be critical. Do you know how many men would kill to be with woman with a killer body like yours?
> 
> You deserve better.


OMG I am the same height as you and weighed more than that when I graduated high school and I was THIN


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> OMG I am the same height as you and weighed more than that when I graduated high school and I was THIN


Exactly! She's tiny and he's complaining. I'd like to go knock some sense into him. Does he not realize that she's probably in the 10th percentile for weight? Idiot.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Reminds me of that crazy Mr. Wolcott from "Deadwood". Everyone's got some kinks, this one is quite odd, no?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Well thank you for making me feel better. My husband works with a lot of attractive women so I think he puts extra pressure on me to look like a model. I try. But it's hard work. I DO work out 6 to 7 times a week. But I have no desire to try anything in the bedroom to flaunt it anymore. 

The masturbation is weird in my opinion. He says when my intimacy concerns turned him toward porn... He got used to instant gratufication without the pressure of performing. That's his excuse. I'm not a guy so I just don't know what to think..



Runs like Dog said:


> Reminds me of that crazy Mr. Wolcott from "Deadwood". Everyone's got some kinks, this one is quite odd, no?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

crazycat25 said:


> The masturbation is weird in my opinion. He says when my intimacy concerns turned him toward porn... He got used to instant gratufication without the pressure of performing. That's his excuse.


Again I like how he takes no ownership of this. It's all your fault. Gives him all the more reason to not have to change. Meanwhile you kill yourself by dieting and working out 6-7 days a week thinking it IS you when it's clearly not.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Again I like how he takes no ownership of this. It's all your fault. Gives him all the more reason to not have to change. Meanwhile you kill yourself by dieting and working out 6-7 days a week thinking it IS you when it's clearly not.


And THAT'S how some men get to their women.

They convince us that we're at fault.

We're not pretty enough.

Young enough.

Skinny enough.

Adventurous in bed enough.

We're just not enough and with the constant beat-down, it doesn't take long for them to convince US of the same thing - true or not.

Sometimes...people just suck - no ifs and buts, they just suck!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

We had the masturbation problem. Had to say no more. He stopped with me and without and it resolved the problem of intercourse.

Laziness enters in, too. Masturbation is low impact. 

You are gonna have to tell him no more self service if you want that to improve. No idea about the other stuff. I don't envy your situation. He sounds like a creep.
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

crazycat25 said:


> The masturbation is weird in my opinion. He says when my intimacy concerns turned him toward porn... He got used to instant gratification without the pressure of performing. That's his excuse. I'm not a guy so I just don't know what to think..



It's just quite odd is all. A kind of very strange detachment. It's the exact opposite of intimacy.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

That is very true. It is a reflection of him overall. He never French kisses. He isn't emotional. Very cold and "buddy" Like. I don't feel intimate with him. 




Runs like Dog said:


> It's just quite odd is all. A kind of very strange detachment. It's the exact opposite of intimacy.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

DanF said:


> No, that is not typical or even acceptable. I am a man in my late 40's, my wife is about the same age. She is 5'3" and about 120 lbs. She is friggin' HOT HOT HOT! I tell her all the time. She also works out and eats sensibly, but not crazy diet stupid.
> I would never tell her that she looks "fat" in anything. I may (if asked) tell her that a particular item does not flatter her ( I'm no dummy!).
> I also want to be with her naked as often as possible and not for a hand job.
> Your husband is an *******.
> We aren't all complete pigs.


I tell my husband that I want to be your wife's size. He just rubs my butt and says: "And lose this? No thanks." Your wife sounds sexy.
I agree that husband should be left, if he is abusive and looks awful, as well as doesn't want real sex.
I don't like skinny men. I like big dudes that carry it well. My husband is a tall and strapping man at 6'2 and 200+ pounds. I love that he can easily beat up any man that touches me.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

I'm smothered in Catholic guilt. My Husband isn't all bad ... But obviously he's not all good. But he's not a cheater ... But here I am defending him and I'm the one who holds the family together and supporting everyone financially. 

Would I regret leaving? I'm really scared... 




Mrs.G said:


> I tell my husband that I want to be your wife's size. He just rubs my butt and says: "And lose this? No thanks." Your wife sounds sexy.
> I agree that husband should be left, if he is abusive and looks awful, as well as doesn't want real sex.
> I don't like skinny men. I like big dudes that carry it well. My husband is a tall and strapping man at 6'2 and 200+ pounds. I love that he can easily beat up any man that touches me.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Most people who don't want to have sex with their spouse, (if no medical reason has been found) is usually due to a disconnect from the relationship. Not only is he not physical with you, but he isn't emotionally attached either. Thats why the porn and or masterbation is easier. He doesn't have to share feelings, or be connected to another human being. You need to get to the root of WHY he has such a big disconnect.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Yeah we went over that symptom in therapy. He feels he is cured of that after a handful of sessions. He says that's just the way he is... He isn't "touchy feely". He did step it up. He does try to hug me now and then... 

But he's the type who will come home from work and barely say hello as he goes right to the bedroom to change clothes. He doesn't say goodbye when he leaves to go somewhere... Therapy started a kittle if that. But his default is no contact or at least minimal. 

OTE=Jamison;311654]Most people who don't want to have sex with their spouse, (if no medical reason has been found) is usually due to a disconnect from the relationship. Not only is he not physical with you, but he isn't emotionally attached either. Thats why the porn and or masterbation is easier. He doesn't have to share feelings, or be connected to another human being. You need to get to the root of WHY he has such a big disconnect.[/QUOTE]
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