# Impact of masturbation on sex frequency



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Do other see a relationship between the frequency of masturbation and partnered sex. This could take 3 forms;

More masturbation equates to less interest in partnered sex
More masturbation equates to more interest in partnered sex
Masturbation has no impact on partnered sex frequency

For the purpose of this question, only considering masturbation by ones self, not as part of a partner involved situation.

I am asking, because after reading some recent posts regarding some popular sex help books and podcasts, seems it is often advised that a LD partner focus on "getting better acquainted with themselves" or the idea of "being sexual more often increases desire". My wife and I were discussing this last night, and she feels that self masturbation reduces the desire for partnered sex, as she feels if she has had a good orgasm, her "need" for sex is satisfied and drops off for a while. As the HD partner, I do not find that to be the case. Masturbation is more of a "tide me over" and can often even increase my desire for partnered sex. As male in my 40's, I obviously would need some recovery time after masturbating before i could perform again in a partnered scenario, but I do not feel masturbation would "replace" the interest in sex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You're a bold man! A very interesting and may indeed be eye opening for some, old hat for some, but...

Hold on to your hat. I forecast the answers will be wildly varying and have some quite robust and enthusiastic exchanges!!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

For me personally (mid-30's), more masturbation would mean less (zero) interest in partnered sex. My drive is really low, my refractory period is long, and I can't get into sex if it's too frequent (a few days in a row and it either won't 'start' or won't 'finish', so to speak).



> It is often advised that a LD partner focus on "getting better acquainted with themselves" or the idea of "being sexual more often increases desire".


I have heard two sex therapists say what you wrote above. It doesn't apply to everyone but can help _some _people.

Getting "better acquainted with themselves" may help some people because everyone needs to learn what they like. If someone cannot even pleasure themselves then how can someone else? That's well known. Most people won't enjoy sex if it doesn't feel good for them, so if it can start being good for them too, then they may want to do it more often. But if masturbation makes the woman too sensitive for sex or the man has a **** refractory period, then the spouse shouldn't expect sex frequency to pick up right away. It could help in the long-term, just not right away (for some people).

As for "being sexual more often increases desire". It definitely can, for some people. It is kind of a "fake it till you make it" thing but it's also hard to stick to that. Sex therapists do seem to recommend it a lot though, assuming there is no trauma, etc. Quite a while ago I had my wife tell me we were going to have sex every day (or maybe it was every other day) for a month. It didn't even last a week.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

this conversation with my wife started based on us discussing the Perel book, but also lead into some unrelated discussions. Wife repeatedly said "if i started masturbating more, I would have much less interest in sex". She feels pretty comfortable that it works that way for her. It is not as much about a physical inability for sex again, but seems more mental for her. If she has a mental interest to have sex, and then masturbates, it satisfies the "urge" and her drive is not such that she would then need more soon. 

We have close friends, with the wife being the lower drive partner, who says the opposite. She feels the more often she masturbates, sex stays on her mind and she craves it more. For her, it is a "use it or loose it" type of thing.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

At 49 years old I usually self-service masturbate 1-2x a day. Although there are some days when I don't solo masturbate at all, and others when I will solo masturbate 3x a day. All inclusive of days that I share sex with my wife.

As for my wife at 50 years old, she seldom ever does any self-service masturbation. To the point she normally goes several months at a time or longer, before she plays with herself solo. Of which those rare occasions tend to be, when she gets extremely close to an orgasm yet doesn't get there.

That said we usually share PIV/PIA sex together at a frequency of 4-6x a week, and often manage 8-9x a week of it as well.

For us masturbation has little impact upon our shared sex frequency. What does impact upon shared sex frequency, is the quality of the sex we share and our relationship outside of that sex we share.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> As the HD partner, I do not find that to be the case. Masturbation is more of a "tide me over" and can often even increase my desire for partnered sex. As male in my 40's, I obviously would need some recovery time after masturbating before i could perform again in a partnered scenario, but I do not feel masturbation would "replace" the interest in sex.


Your statements are rather contradictory. Because you experience the refractory period, then masturbation obviously has an impact on frequency. It's both selfish and inconsiderate to think your partner should have to wait however long until you're again able to perform. So I think you're deluding yourself to disagree that frequency is affected.

It sounds more like you just like the thought of screwing. That you like the idea every time the opportunity is presented, you're obviously not always up to it (pun intended). You're just up for the idea of it.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Your statements are rather contradictory. Because you experience the refractory period, then masturbation obviously has an impact on frequency. It's both selfish and inconsiderate to think your partner should have to wait however long until you're again able to perform. So I think you're deluding yourself to disagree that frequency is affected.
> 
> It sounds more like you just like the thought of screwing. That you like the idea every time the opportunity is presented, you're obviously not always up to it (pun intended). You're just up for the idea of it.


ok. That is a fair assessment. I guess for me, masturbation does not seem to impact the mental/emotional interest in sex, but would impact my physical ability.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> ...this conversation with my wife started based on *us discussing* the Perel book, but also lead into some unrelated discussions. *Wife repeatedly said "if i started masturbating more, I would have much less interest in sex".*


If you had a discussion in which you advocated for your wife to masturbate, that by definition would be a "partner based" experience. 



Married_in_michigan said:


> For the purpose of this question, only considering masturbation by ones self, *not as part of a partner involved situation.*


Imagine your wife talking to you and suggesting that you should masturbate more because you need to learn more about your own sexuality. Odds are that would result in you not being able to enjoy masturbating, it would make you angry at your wife, and perhaps serve to destroy your desire for more sex. 

Just a thought... I could be wrong. Just trying to give you an extra perspective and way to look at things. 

Badsanta


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

badsanta said:


> If you had a discussion in which you advocated for your wife to masturbate, that by definition would be a "partner based" experience.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I do not disagree. In this recent conversation, my wife raised the topic. As you may recall from other threads, my wife has expressed dissatisfaction with HER feeling dependent on a vibrator, and some articles she read encouraged women who felt dependent on vibrators to learn to masturbate without them. Not saying that is good, bad, or indifferent, but that is what sparked that part of the conversation. Wife said she considered the idea, but felt it would really lessen the interest in partnered sex. Once my wife has an orgasm, alone or together, sex is off her mind for a while. Sometimes she may be interested hours later, sometimes it is enough to tide her over a few days or longer.


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## Annoyed_Hubby (Aug 30, 2020)

I think most men could relate to being away from their wives (business, military) and then having the best sex of their lives after the forced celibacy ends.... unless said man is taking matters into his own hands (sad waste versus the real thing).

In sum, no sex, no masturbation leads to some of the best sex ever.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Annoyed_Hubby said:


> I think most men could relate to being away from their wives (business, military) and then having the best sex of their lives after the forced celibacy ends.... unless said man is taking matters into his own hands (sad waste versus the real thing).
> 
> In sum, no sex, no masturbation leads to some of the best sex ever.


Always liked getting home after a trip. Best sex ever. No matter I arrived 😉.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> my wife has expressed dissatisfaction with HER feeling dependent on a vibrator, and some articles she read encouraged women who felt dependent on vibrators to learn to masturbate without them.


That is an interesting viewpoint. Some women complain that vibrators seem too unnatural and feel that using them may somehow be harmful. Perhaps that creates a fear that they best not over do it or else their clitorus might get broken. I've actually read books that go to great lengths to reassure women that they do not have to worry about breaking their clit. However your wife likely gets her fears stoked by articles like this which kinda seem legit:









Hold Up, Can Using a Vibrator That’s Too Strong Cause Permanent Nerve Damage?


One Reddit poster's experience is...jarring.




www.cosmopolitan.com





Admit it, as a guy we all know that feeling of having overdone it and becoming attuned to avoiding further erections when things get soar. For sure it is the same for women! Perhaps your wife is also afraid of loosing feelings and sensations in her hands. Now if that isn't enough to tame someone's libido, it would scare the crap out of me too if I risked hurting poor Rosey Palm and all her five sisters! Thank goodness that Hitachi doesn't make gloves. 

Badsanta


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

This discussion is revolving around two different uses for masturbation - relieving sexual tension, and learning about your sexual response. Most men figure out case 2 at age 12, and move on to case 1. Many women, if the numbers are to be believed, do not.

It's not surprising that different purposes might generate different outcomes.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd invert the question: What is the impact of sex frequency on masturbation?

IMO, the more partnered sex you have, the less masturbation appeals.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Annoyed_Hubby said:


> I think most men could relate to being away from their wives (business, military) and then having the best sex of their lives after the forced celibacy ends.... unless said man is taking matters into his own hands (sad waste versus the real thing).
> 
> In sum, no sex, no masturbation leads to some of the best sex ever.





Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Always liked getting home after a trip. Best sex ever. No matter I arrived 😉.


I always found that when I was away for months at a time when I was still in the Army. That sex upon my return with my wife and ex-wife was always initially a bit hesitant and tentative, as we reestablished our physical connections with each other.

The best sex of my life has never been after being away for any length of time.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> IMO, the more partnered sex you have, the less masturbation appeals.


At least for myself, I find that when I share more sex with someone I solo masturbate more frequently. Whereas when I share sex less with someone, I solo masturbate far less frequently.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> That is an interesting viewpoint. Some women complain that vibrators seem too unnatural and feel that using them may somehow be harmful.


Actually the OP's wife has expressed dissatisfaction, at having to rely upon a vibrator in order to have orgasms during shared sex with him.

At least according to the OP, she hasn't claimed that vibrator use is harmful.



> Admit it, as a guy we all know that feeling of having overdone it and becoming attuned to avoiding further erections when things get soar.


That seems weird to me, since I've never got sore from masturbating.

The only times I ever get sore, is when I haven't had sex for a while (so a week or more), and I go straight into having PIV/PIA sex 3-4x a day for 4-5 days or more straight. Or extremely infrequently suffer from a micro tear to my foreskin, as a consequence of insufficient lubrication during anal sex.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

StarFires said:


> It sounds more like you just like the thought of screwing. That you like the idea every time the opportunity is presented, you're obviously not always up to it (pun intended). You're just up for the idea of it.


I think a lot of men are more into the idea of it than the actual practice of it.

The OP's consistent lack of sex initiation with his wife, supports the suggestion that he's more up for the idea of it. As opposed to actually demonstrating a strong urge, by often initiating sex with his wife.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> As male in my 40's, I obviously would need some recovery time after masturbating before i could perform again in a partnered scenario, but I do not feel masturbation would "replace" the interest in sex.


How much recovery time? Does your wife seem to think you don’t initiate often enough, or seem to think you’ll turn her down? Has this been discussed?

I don’t understand the conclusion that your masturbation impacts frequency just because you have a non-zero refractory period. And I don’t understand the notion you must really only like the idea of sex, as opposed to really having it. Seems presumptive, judgemental, and unhelpful. Maybe there is context I’ve missed?

Seems to me your masturbation might negatively impact frequency of sex with your wife if you are not interested in sex for days after you masturbate, but not so much if you’re ready in an hour, especially if you are available stimulate her in the meantime.

What sort of frequency does your wife prefer? And you?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> Does your wife seem to think you don’t initiate often enough, or seem to think you’ll turn her down?





Married_in_michigan said:


> My wife is the primary initiator of sex, as I felt so rejected too many times, that I stopped and waited for her to be in the mood. This is difficult, as she is more reactive sexually, so does not lend itself to be the initiator, or causes her to initiate because its been a few days, more than because she is aroused.





PieceOfSky said:


> Maybe there is context I’ve missed?


Enjoy.









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Wife's personal complaint about herself, and...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Personal said:


> Or extremely infrequently suffer from a micro tear to my foreskin, as a consequence of insufficient lubrication during anal sex.


Suddenly, I'm glad I'm circumcised... 

I have 2 (well, STB 3) sons who are not circumcised and one is old enough that he's started asking questions about it (knowledge I don't have). Guess I should add "foreskin can tear" to my knowledge bank.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Personal said:


> Actually the OP's wife has expressed dissatisfaction, at having to rely upon a vibrator in order to have orgasms during shared sex with him.
> 
> At least according to the OP, she hasn't claimed that vibrator use is harmful.
> 
> ...


That is correct. My wife has expressed dissatisfaction about feeling dependent on the vibrator, not that it is doing harm. For her, she feels that she can only climax if it is involved and she does not like that.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> How much recovery time? Does your wife seem to think you don’t initiate often enough, or seem to think you’ll turn her down? Has this been discussed?
> 
> I don’t understand the conclusion that your masturbation impacts frequency just because you have a non-zero refractory period. And I don’t understand the notion you must really only like the idea of sex, as opposed to really having it. Seems presumptive, judgemental, and unhelpful. Maybe there is context I’ve missed?
> 
> ...


My recovery time is within an hour, so not sure masturbation from my end is causing any issue with my wife. It is more about some comments she made, that if she masturbated she is then all set for a while.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Personal said:


> Enjoy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


and I have got great feedback on many of these posts, helping me both cope with my insecurities and grow as a man and husband. I have been initiating recently, as well as reminding myself to stop being so in my head about everything. I have gotten some great advise on TAM.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Married_in_michigan said:


> ok. That is a fair assessment. I guess for me, masturbation does not seem to impact the mental/emotional interest in sex, but would impact my physical ability.


But how long have you gone without spanking or having partnered sex? 

In other words, if you have never gone more than a week or two without draining the tank one way or another, then how do you know how you'd feel if you went several months without ever orgasming? 

If you have never gone more than a couple weeks, you may be a completely different animal after a month or two. 

I am not really a no-fap advocate per se but I have read some of their articles and experiences. Some of them report becoming much more engaging and assertive and that find a much wider variety of women attractive and desirable after building up the tank for a number of weeks. Some also report feeling more energetic and active and ambitious. 

So some of them may just be making excuses to cover up the fact they can't get a girlfriend and making it sound like it's not so bad, But I do think there may be something to it. 

Use food for an example, as a species we in the developed western world have basically lost our instinct to hunt and forage and have lost our drive to do so. Food is just a few feet away in the refrigerator and simply driving to and from work, we go by a wide variety of resturants, grocery stores, diners, McDonalds etc. We have become fat and lazy and spend a lot of our day not really doing much anything. 

Porn and spanking etc has lead us to become much the same way. We used to have to fight for mates, fight to keep mates, then hunt for food to feed mates so that they would stay with us and not go mate with the next guy that came home with meat over his shoulder. 

Now if we think we might feel a slight twinge of desire, we can reach into our pocket, pull up a video of just about every form of sexuality imaginable and rub out a quick one in the bathroom before our coworkers even notice we're not at our desk. 

As Rollo Tamasi stated, we've become "sedated." 

Men used to go to war to get females. Now we have a generation of MGTOWs and INCELs and countless young men playing video games in the mom's basement. 

Men used to raid other lands and neighboring villages and fight to the death to procure more females and more genetic diversity within their own tribes. Now a lot of young men won't even take a young lady out on a dinner date. 

We've become fat and lazy from abundance. 

I do think porn and the acceptance of masturbation is playing a role in that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that being said, I do think the devil is in the details and there are million variables. 

Boys in puberty get a surge of testosterone and will get spontaneous wood that is external, within easy reach and out there to see and explore and at times is downright uncomfortable and annoying. It is the very rare male that does not explore himself and drain the tank somewhat regularly. 

And as a society, other than very conservative religious factions, I don't know if there is any societal force that strongly discourages boys and men from taking matters into their own hands. Most people probably don't want guys walking around loaded guns most of the time. 

With girls, it's almost completely opposite. Most of their parts are internal and not easily reached by their own hand. They may have sexual feelings and yearnings, but they don't have a throbbing knob poking out straining itself against their pants. And many young girls are still being raised to keep their hands off their parts and that their genitalia is dirty or smelly and that it is somehow wrong to touch themselves and pleasure themselves. 

For some women, learning about their anatomy and learning what they find pleasurable and what kinds of stimulation can lead to orgasm and such can be very beneficial. 

But I think women too can become very fat and lazy. With all the gadgets and gizmos and contraptions that are on the market for women to get themselves off, that too can become easier and less effort to relieve themselves vs having to deal with some guy and to put up with his needs and desires when all she needs to do is make sure something has fresh batteries and to flip the selector switch to whatever RPM level she is in the mood for that day.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

so let me put it this way - sex with other people is complex with a lot of dynamics and emotions and a variety of desires and hang ups and such involved. 

And it also involves work and effort and communication and a degree of compromise and accommidation to get in the groove with someone else. 

As a species and as a society, we are becoming less willing to do so because we have so many other options and so many other opportunities to take care of our needs. 

All a man needs is some kind of computer screen an his own hand. He doesn't have to date it, support it, talk to it, be nice to it's family and goofy friends, doesn't have to rub it's feet or back after a hard day, doesn't have to listen to it's problems, doesn't have to kill spiders or unclog it's toilet. Just simply pull up whatever kind of visual scenario fits his mood at that moment and his junk is right there in easy arm's reach. 

And all a woman has to do is place an order on amazon for any of a thousand different gadgets and gizmos that can be small enough to hide in a pocket or big enough to stretch her out to full capacity and that can reach every spot and crevice and be cranked up to however many RPMs will do the trick. 

And like porn, she doesn't have to stroke it's ego, doesn't have to assure it how great it is, doesn't have to put anything in her mouth or pick it's pubes out of her teeth, doesn't have to pick it's smelly socks or skid marked underwear off the floor, doesn't have to smell cigarrettes and stale stale beer on it's breath and as long as it has fresh batteries doesn't have to worry if it will cum and roll over a fall asleep before she is taken care of. 

When you think about it in those terms, it's a wonder people are actually having sex at all anymore.


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