# Should I go ahead with this arranged marriage - From India



## ravi (Jun 27, 2010)

Hi ,

I am Ravi and I am 30 years old , male from India.I am single and ready to get married.Few months back I met a girl (the meeting was arranged by each others family members).I knew when I was meeting the girl that it was for marriage and after that my opinion would be sought , whether I like the girl or not.

At that time , I didnt really talk much with the girl and just had a brief conversation and after the meeting I pretty much gave my consent to this relationship and even the girl agreed.

3 weeks back we exchanged phone numbers and started talking on the phone and the first couple of conversations were fine and the objective here was to get to know each other and connect.

The dilemma that I am facing is I am not feeling any connection with the girl , I just dont feel like calling her and plus I find her accent repulsive (she is from the country side and I am from the city) .There is nothing wrong with the girl , she is sweet and pretty, her character is impeccable , ready to make adjustments for me, holds a masters degree etc etc .But because of her accent and the way she talks , I just dont feel like talking to her.

I spoke about this issue to my parents and they are trying to convince me by saying that it is a minor issue and her accent and the way she talks will change after she moves to the city but I am just not convinced.I just dont feel the connection with her.
Sometimes I feel I should go ahead with the marriage and things will iron out and sometimes I feel what if later on I just cant bear it anymore .Maybe its a minor issue for some but for me the way a person talks is much more important than physical attributes.

This is a typical Indian arranged marriage and I am someone who has always been independent and stayed single for most of my twenties.My parents are trying their best to convince me and I am myself highly confused .I dont want to hurt the girl or keep her in doubt or limbo and if I say 'no' straight away ...I feel I may lose out on a good girl who is genuinely interested in me.

I know I may have said 'yes' after our first meeting and its only after these telephonic conversations, I have realised this problem.

I just dont like the way she talks and her accent,and thats it , there is no other issue.I am worried if I say 'no' I will regret this later .Also all the conversations we had over the phone , she was the one who called except the first time.I never really felt like calling her the way I feel like calling any female colleague or a female friend of mine.

What shall I do ?

P.S: I am sorry if the mesage was too long , I had to be explicit.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I live in Northern US and have had the privilege of being exposed to many people from all over the world. I reached the point that I could distinguish between the accents of Australians and Englishmen, between Africans and Jamaicans, and even between Trinidadians and Jamaicans. I kind of thought that last one to be quite a feat LOL. The only one I've not yet mastered is between the Irish and the Scottish. I'm not even sure there is a difference between them. And yes, I know the difference between your Indian accent and that of your near Middle Eastern neighbors though obviously I don't know the various idioms. Here in the US, accents vary geographically all over the country and even within the same states a lot of times. The accent of the Midwest where I am is considered the main accent that represents the country. It's the accent you hear in American movies, commercials, and the major news networks like CNN, FOX, et al. It's the same accent with which our president, Barack Obama, speaks if you have ever heard him. But there are numerous different accents here in the country, and I've heard many of them from the "ah" sound (instead of "r" sound) of New England to the Southern drawl of Alabama country folk. I respect them all.

I went through all of that just to say I have never heard an accent that repulsed me. Sounds like that girl is in real trouble with you.

If you do not feel a connection to her and you literally can't stand the sound of her voice, then your answer is a no-brainer. You said it yourself that this is the time to get to know each other and see if you want to be together. You know you don't want to be with her. You know you don't want to marry her. So what is the problem? The problem is you clouding your own judgment with what MIGHT be or what MIGHT happen at some point in the future. But no one makes this kind of decision based on that. Who ever says, "I can't stand her but will marry her anyway because she might grow on me." Make a decision based on the unlikelihoods of future dates that never come to pass, and you will make yourself and her very unhappy. Then you'll be stuck in a loveless and unhappy marriage. All her education did not change her accent. Marriage certainly isn't going to, and there is no reason to think you will ever be less bothered by it.

But, if you are so afraid of the future, then I suggest you give her more of a chance and try to be objective. Make yourself call her more often and see what happens. If you never really get to the point that you feel a connection and that you WANT to talk to her, then give up the ghost of Neverwas and Neverwillbe and ask your parents to find you someone else.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

ravi,
please try to describe in great or specific details what exactly it is in her countryside accent, and the way(?)that she talks that bothers u. 
i kinda know what u mean, but dont want my imagination to trump yours, when u use it to explicitly describe her accent.

i would suggest u two go out on some dates to see how u interact together as well as talk. do u share common interests
(like karma sutra?) like art, food likes/dislikes, dancing etc?

i cant argue against a mates voice, as i've told my oldest son
just recently "u better like yer W's voice son, 'cuz like it or not
yer going to hear it a whoooooooole lot!"  a voice can be very important in the initial attraction dept. its not as trivial as i once wouldve argued. but again, go on some dates and u may 
find her voice less annoying to u for various reasons.

strange tho'. i've noticed here in the states most gals put on their best voices(i call them their radio voices...)when u first meet/date them. later on (like after u marry them)
the "screech squawk" comes out.

maybe another time we can discuss arranged marr's. but u dont care 'bout that now. so.........


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

If you really don't like her why don't you just end it? If her voice was sexier would you marry her?

I think it's not really her accent you don't like, it's just her voice. If she moved to the city her accent would obviously change and she'd make an effort to change it too to blend in. 

I've heard hundreds of people with many different accents (including foreigners, and people from villages) and even though some of them seemed strange at first, I got used to them -so long as their voices were ok lol

For me personally a man's voice plays a big role. I haven't dated much but I've been approached a lot and the first things I notice about a man are his shoes and voice. Ok call me shallow but I can tell whether I'm going to like someone by just looking at their shoes but that's a whole other topic lol

Anyway from experience, I can say a person's voice _can_ actually grow on you, maybe not someone's who you intend to marry but just generally they can grow on you. I've met some people whose voices I really didn't like but after spending time with them and getting to know them it wasn't as bad and eventually I stopped noticing it.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

well for one thing, arranged or not, she's better off without you. you can't stand her accent???? you are rude and snotty. i suggest you .... but , NO you should not marry that girl. she doesn't deserve you. she's smart and educated. she can do better. i have lots of friends who marry coz its was prearranged snice birth.... am done..


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i think ravi's shuffled off to bombay or new delhi, in an effort to get away from his family & this melodious new gf.

that or they r still exploring that kama sutra book i suggested.
[]


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If it is within the boundaries of your culture as far as courting, I would suggest spending more face time with her vs. just phone conversations. If after some time together you still see no sparks, I would agree that perhaps she is not 'the one'.


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## phyxius (Jul 5, 2010)

I live with a large Indian population. Out of the 3 pre-arranged married couples I hang out with most, I'd have to say only 1 couple fell in love afterwards. That's not to say the other 2 ended badly. Like Hunt Brown said, what kept the marriage going was the respect they gave each other & that it was part of their culture and because of that respect, outsiders would never have guess their marriage was pre-arranged (I didn't at first).

As for her accent, I really can't comment lol I'm sorry but I've never heard an accent that made me feel that way. I either laughed or imatated it cause I thought it was cool and/or different. I think you may just be looking for something irratating about her so that you don't have to go through with it???


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

both of you would be better off staying away from this marriage.
and most importantly the girl - you are already critizing her...heLL!!
don't force yourself because of other external reasons....wait for the girl who will sweep you off your feet in just a moment...


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## ajax (Mar 5, 2011)

Hi Ravi,
I am in exactly the same situation as you are. I was wondering what did you finally do. Did you get married to the girl.

Thanks,


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:rofl: I'm sorry but this is too funny. It's almost like someone talking about buying a new car..

"Gee, I could get a great deal on this car on the lot but it's BLUE and I hate BLUE cars, so maybe I should wait and see if a silver one comes in?"

We are talking about a marriage, aren't we? :scratchhead:


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I hope you don't marry her, I feel sorry for her. If she is smart, sweet and pretty she can do better then someone who can't see past an accent.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Personally I don't see anything wrong with arragned marriages, I have met several people are are pleased as pie with their spouse from this situation. Having asked them about the love thing, they have explained to me that love was a learned feeling, something that came over time as most of them barely knew the spouse before marriage. Like you it was limited introduction, and in some cases not even phone calls.

I think what you have to ask yourself is if what you are disliking about her is REALLY what it is. I mean, is it really her accent or are you just making a big thing out of that because of fear? Yousay she is nice, but ask yourself more about HER. Nice is really vague and simple. Is she inquisitive, atttentive, engaging,etc. At least from what you can tell so far. And also, is she holding back out of the same fears as you?

Ask yourself how the differences in your cultural backgrounds is affecting your viewpoint. You, being city, her country. Are your views more westernized? A little more resistive to the tradition of arranged marriage? Did you have certain expectations of a woman? AND were those expectations real? (were you looking for an instant WOW factor, or chemistry which can not even be revealed yet through what contact you have had? Are you stopping yourself from really seeing her simply because you have walled up over her accent?

aDo you resent being matched with a country girl? Were you expecting something "better" in your mind?

I am just asking these questions based on some discussions I have had with a women from India who has raised 4 children in America and offered them the option of an arranged marriage (which 2 are beginning to consider because of dating experiences here). She relayed to me the things she discussed with her children when they looked at the option as well as the things her children where afraid of. the woman's siblings all had arranged marriages by choice, she married for love and non divorced.

I think you really have to ask yourself deeper questions about what you personally want, as well as what is realistic.


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