# Just Feeling Gutted



## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

I haven't started a thread in forever, but I have not really eaten much or slept for more than a few hours since last Tuesday. I just need to vent and cry thru words.

I am pretty good friends with a young couple her 32 him 35.........she has a 13 yo son and they have together twins at 2 1/2 and a baby 9 months. Married about 3 1/2 years. Life is a struggle for them but they get by.

And yes, she is the inappropriate young lady friend from a few years back......mostly a case of me trying to help her thru a bunch of crap but doing it behind my wife's back.

Tuesday I found out she was cheating with a young guy from work......she says she is not "in love" and that she can stop whenever she wants, and that they have not had PIV, although apparently everything else sexually has occurred. He has an office across the hall from where she works in a small office building. Apparently they have been obvious enough that the rumor mill at work has started in full force.

My gut is so twisted at this, and I am trying to also fold in the fact that her current husband is the guy she cheated with and broke up her first marriage. Keep in mind that the first marriage was an open ugly mess with multiple affairs, etc. But it is almost like karma at work.

But I care about them both.....and have tried my best to provide good advice to her. I have tried in multiple ways over the past week to get her to back away from this guy......it just is not working.

I have decided that now I must inform him of the affair on friday, so they have the weekend to try to talk and figure things out. But I just cringe thinking about her babies (3 in diapers) and how this will affect the family. Ugghhhhhh

I know and fear that if this continued, she could actually fall "in love" or get pregnant (birth control is not fail safe and since the work guy is black, the cheating would be very apparent) or bring a disease of some type home (some STDs do not require full PIV).

But this is gut wrenching.......I now know why folks post asking if they should inform the BS of the WS affair, and have a lot more empathy and sympathy for their position. Darned if you do, and darned if you don't.

And I also know how broken this young lady is......she started screwing guys at 14 and never looked back......her guy list is over 90, most of them while she was in her first marriage. She has low self esteem and feels a lot of emptiness inside.......but again I can not convince her to work on that. I am sure that left unchecked, she would continue to have multiple affairs throughout this current marriage. I am convinced that overall, the best and fairest approach is to now inform him. But I am really hurting. I am not at all good at this kind of stuff, and I feel in a way I am betraying her. I continue to think that I might be informing him for all of the wrong reasons.

Please pray for them. And if you could, put in a word for me.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Well you should have some sympathy for the children, you are doing the most kind thing possible for them. As you said, should could be bringing back STDs, violence, etc home... breaking their father... ruining their lives. Killing it cleanly is the only way to hopefully get those poor children a stable home life.

My only suggestion is to make it quick and bring evidence.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

If he is your friend, you tell him. Maybe suggest to her that she has until Friday to tell him herself, otherwise you will. And then stick to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So he married a woman that was cheating on her husband with him, and you're worried about telling him she is a cheater? 
I hate it for the kids, but Geez. 
Do you think he will actually be surprised? What did he expect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> So he married a woman that was cheating on her husband with him, and you're worried about telling him she is a cheater?
> I hate it for the kids, but Geez.
> Do you think he will actually be surprised? What did he expect?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was my first thought too. 

Surely he knows or at least suspects this already, given all you said about her past and her first marriage?

You should not feel guilty. You can't "save" this woman. She's the only one who can do that. And honestly, SHE is the one ruining these kids' lives by her behavior.

I don't think most people who cheat do so to this extent, but this - in general - is why I would have a really hard time forgiving someone who cheated on me - especially repeatedly or over a long period of time. I will never believe it's not in their character. You are either capable of cheating on the person you love/are committed to, or you aren't. And anyone who proves themselves capable (by doing it), then that's on them. That's who they are.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

So you do realize now, I hope, that her intentions for you were not totally innocent, right? 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Not even going to read other's post. 

What you do is drop her as a friend !!!
ALSO, you tell her EXACTLY WHY !!

you may be friends, but she oblivious care nothing about you to put you in this position.

As for hubby,, and situ,, karma !!

WALK AWAY QUIETLY and AWAYS be busy when he calls.

Sorry, but YOU put you in this position,, after the 1st, you should have made your feelings, and position clear !!


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

It is just not possible for me to muster the feelings that some have expressed about my young lady friend. She is truly such a kind and gentle person.......but really broken inside and not able to find a healthy way to cope with her inner unhappiness and turmoil.

They initially met when she chased him as part of an open marriage arrangement. But they started doing frequent nooners at his apartment outside of the arrangement. One day she brought her 5 yo son along and had him watch tv in the living room. When the dad asked how his day went, the son revealed the affair. Divorce followed. ....ugly and painful. I have reminded her of this. ...but she will not agree to end her affair.

I do not have any evidence other than her statements to me on Tuesday and Friday. But if he confronts her she will quickly cave. She is the worst liar I have ever encountered. Plus her boyfriend screwed up and called her at home while husband was standing next to her. She gave him some half baked story about why the guy had her phone number. But he was not happy and will remember this guy's name for sure. 

The husband has told me multiple times that he does not fully trust her, but I think he feels more secure after they had the 3 babies together. The boyfriends call may very well have raised his suspicions though.

This just really sucks. They could survive this if they tried....but I doubt they will. In spite of her huge guy experience, she is only the second girl he has ever had sex with. This will be a shot to his gut that will cause great pain. I kinda feel that I am causing it by letting him know. I just ache.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Not your job in this situ!!!!!!!

He know what he got.
Sorry, his history just don't ring true for someone just jumping into a situ like her's was before.

You backing off him and her, MAY tell him something is making u uncomfortable.

SRY, just no emy, or sym in this.

Oh,, B4 you take mind,, if you do,,,, I'm the type that will waste !!,, those close,, OK.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry Gus, Ele, but you guys know a lil of me,, make no excuses,, just seen too much of supposed real ppl.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

On another note,, you may not have to hear from me for a while,, seem a ada got a hardon for those who punch cops in the station LOL !!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

What the heck,, I'll still be rich, and still be nasty !!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What the heck are you talking about @OldWolf57? Are you sober??

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

dignityhonorpride said:


> So you do realize now, I hope, that her intentions for you were not totally innocent, right?
> 
> Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


.....my friends have been telling me this for years. Guess I must agree. My intentions for her were Christian and honorable for the first couple of years. ...then not completely so......but she has made it clear that nothing would ever happen between us......and I don't think I would have actually done anything. But I certainly do not have clean hands, even though she and I have never even kissed. Why do you think I am on this site? I am basically just another struggling ws trying to stay on the right path.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> On another note,, you may not have to hear from me for a while,, seem a ada got a hardon for those who punch cops in the station LOL !!



I hope you are ok. I am real and so are they. Everything is factual. FWIW I am a retired federal law enforcement officer, and am good at figuring stuff out...like their past. I just suck at this emotional stuff.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

oneMOreguy said:


> She is truly such a kind and gentle person........


Wish I could feel as bad about a former OM getting cheated on as you do. If he didn't see this coming he's a fool.

And as for your "friend"... Gentle until you get the knife in back huh? Did she really bang almost *90* guys WHILE MARRIED?!?

She obviously knows exactly what she's doing and the only person being manipulated is you into feeling sorry for her. 

She's not broken, she's evil. You're broken if you're falling for her "poor me" crap.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sry,, wasn't jacking 1more,,, yeah kind of.. a mod send new topic thing, but I'm gonna go tank.

Wife new hospital bed coming tomorrow, and got lot's to do,,,, Mom, Sis, and Bro, all in 1 yr, but bouncing back is hard.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> oneMOreguy said:
> 
> 
> > She is truly such a kind and gentle person........
> ...


You are not the first to say this to me. I am your basic knight in shining armor. Have my own self esteem issues from a violent childhood. I have figured out that I can never fix her. ...gosh knows I have tried. In spite of her knowing my advice is always good......she prefers to take the easier path.

She probably had 40 to 50 guys while in her first marriage. ...open and swinging.....marriage lasted 4 or 5 years. 

I really do appreciate all the comments from those looking at this objectively. I just am too emotionly involved. Academically I got a handle on this. ...I have two engineering degrees. But math leads me astray when it comes to feelings and emotions. I am glad that my wife is faithful stable and not a drama queen.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Sry,, wasn't jacking 1more,,, yeah kind of.. a mod send new topic thing, but I'm gonna go tank.
> 
> Wife new hospital bed coming tomorrow, and got lot's to do,,,, Mom, Sis, and Bro, all in 1 yr, but bouncing back is hard.


I will pray for you tonight.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your problem is you pick lousy people to be friends with. Both of them are ingrates. Why not hang out with decent folk, or is that not enough drama for you?

I feel sorry those kids have such sh*tty role models.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The problem with gentle and kind people like your friend is that the real damage they do to the people they rope into their lives isn't at all gentle and kind.

For example - what about those poor children? She has three babies and is already the worst possible role model for them. She's a liar and cheater. Full stop.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> The problem with gentle and kind people like your friend is that the real damage they do to the people they rope into their lives isn't at all gentle and kind.
> 
> For example - what about those poor children? She has three babies and is already the worst possible role model for them. She's a liar and cheater. Full stop.


You and bandit are both right. I am getting much too old for this drama......and it really is the kids I feel badly for the most. Did I mention that the husband drinks over 100 beers a week? Theirs was already a stressed relationship. Plus they basically have triplits since they are so young and in diapers......multiples result in a very high divorce rate.

But how you (me anyway) view folks changes when you are close and care about their well being. Even when you know they are flawed.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

She is not gentle or kind. She's learned how to manipulate people to get what she wants. That's not something a gentle or kind person does.

And please tell her H. He deserves to know.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He needs to DNA to verify they are his.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

One More Guy- you are in a terrible position- her husband will want to kill the bearer of bad news so you will lose him as a friend,

Of course you will lose her as a friend as well. I don't think this is a bad thing. You talk about her like my H talks about the OW. No matter what the facts are you can only see her through rose coloured glasses.

She is not a sweet young lady.

She has had 90 odd partners mostly while married. She has had sex in the next room while her little boy watched tv?(while married to his father) She has taken no responsibility for her behaviour, and tried her best to convince you that she is just a poor victim. She has convinced you successfully that she has no designs on you and that "nothing will ever happen". That is a line I heard My AP say many times…before it did. 

She is not good for you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OMOG, 
You're very protective of your lady friend, which many of us cannot understand. You obviously have a bond to her in a way we can't appreciate given her actions. That is all we look at here. We don't have a need to look more fondly at her otherwise nicer qualities. 

She may have had a bad life early on, but it's not for you to help her overcome it. She must learn (decide) to help herself or her life will forever be a roller coaster. If or when she chooses to help herself is up to her. 

I think telling your friend is the right thing to do. Sometimes being a friend means doing a difficult thing that gains you no personal favor. However, if that thing is aligned with your value system, then it is the right thing as far as you are concerned. That's JMO. 

I think you need to stop talking with your lady friend and stop "helping" her. Don't even connect through gossiping 3rd parties. She's on her own and there is no better way for you to help her than to encourage her wholeheartedly to work on and face her own issues.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Thanks all. She knows I want no further contact if she cannot end her affair. And probably not even then. 

It has been a classic soap opera since I got involved with them. I wish I could get the last 5 years of my life back. But my gut still aches. I certainly am overly sensitive to other folks pain and suffering. Must be my Catholic upbringing.....


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

oneMOreguy said:


> You are not the first to say this to me. I am your basic knight in shining armor. .


Remember this. When you attempt to rescue a damsel in distress.

*What you think you are:*












*What you really end up being:*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> So he married a woman that was cheating on her husband with him, and you're worried about telling him she is a cheater?
> I hate it for the kids, but Geez.
> Do you think he will actually be surprised? What did he expect?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He will be shocked and hurt.

Because she will have made out that it was her ex-husband's fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Did you have an EA of sorts with this girl? Did you hide from your wife your degree of involvement and that you were giving her money? Does your wife know you are involved with her again? I notice you haven't mentioned your wife. Are you still married? How does she feel about this situation?

Btw, this girl seems far too damaged for you to provide her with the needed help. You need to back away, stop enabling her issues, and let her get help from qualified professionals.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The damsel is a ho. 

A lowdown, nasty, freeloading ho.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Abc123wife said:


> Did you have an EA of sorts with this girl? Did you hide from your wife your degree of involvement and that you were giving her money? Does your wife know you are involved with her again? I notice you haven't mentioned your wife. Are you still married? How does she feel about this situation?
> 
> Btw, this girl seems far too damaged for you to provide her with the needed help. You need to back away, stop enabling her issues, and let her get help from qualified professionals.


....my struggle is why I stay on this site. Yes to all of the above....and no, my wife is not pleased that I stay in touch with this couple. She will be happy that I no longer mention their names.

But this stuff is harder than any of the books say, and the advice to just go NC is like telling a crack addict to just stop being an addict. It is hard to explain unless you have been there. It is the most difficult struggle of my life. But I keep picking myself up and plodding along again. 

The trouble with extremely low self esteem is that you are constantly trying to get other people to like you, and that the only way you can figure out how to get them to like you is to do stuff for them. But that never creates true friendship......so it is almost like you are setting yourself up for constantly proving that you are not likable. A real catch 22. But I keep reading here and working on it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, okay so you want to get people to like you.....



But why THESE people?


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Well, okay so you want to get people to like you.....
> 
> 
> 
> But why THESE people?


....cause they needed help and I am wealthy enough to easily help them. Damn that sucks to say out loud. 

But I spent the day with a work friend, we retired together a couple of years ago, and we hooked up my gas log fireplace to run on a small tank of propane. I got rid of my natural gas service that was costing me 30 a month to maintain.......I have a geothermal heat/cool unit so the only thing that was using gas was the fireplace. Saving a grand every 3 years. It was nice to hang out with an adult type friend.

After I inform the husband on Friday, I will work on forgetting them and moving on with my life. I am glad to be getting some tough love on this issue. I can give great and tough advice to anyone but myself. Major character flaw I suppose.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Oh........and a major announcement......I will be a grandfather for the first time in May. Me and wife, heck the whole clan.....are very excited.

This is good timing to leave my young friends behind. I always ended up drinking way too much beer whenever he and I hung out. And I will save 20 a week from not buying her lunch at our weekly get togethers.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

oneMOreguy said:


> ....cause they needed help .


We all need help. in fact most folks here at TAM *want* the help. 

You my friend are helping someone that doesn't give two shyt about your help.

You offer this help like it is some how appreciated and wanted....it's like if some how you help this friend she will listen!!!!

You said it your self she will not go find the tools to rid her self of this emptiness.....and yet you continue to try.

I can see befriending someone who appreciates the friendship and even struggles through the process of making them selves better while leaning on you for support.

Your friend has nothing to lean on you for...she just isn't phucking trying....and yet there you are helping someone who won't even help them selves......

What a waste of energy...even for a christian.


Sir if any one deserves your friendship and your energy it's those poor kids who have a phuck up for a mother. At least in time your energy will pay off and these kids can reap the rewards for your effort.

There mother on the other hand won't get **** for your efforts cuz she won't even make the effort her self to be better and reap the rewards for being emotionally healthy

Sorry for the rant but it pisses me off when people won't even helps them selves to be better but hang around good people like your self and think you will rub off on them.

It just doesn't work that way.....this chick needs to look with in her self and make the commitment to change, find the tools to do better....then she can start to lean on Jesus and you and any other good person that will help her after she starts helping her self!

And ya BTW just tell this guy what he is be dealing with and to be carefull and start protcting him self and the kids.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

The Guy....thank you for your detailed response. I have written somewhat similar things to myself over the years.....but I keep falling into old behavior patterns.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

oneMOreguy said:


> You are not the first to say this to me. I am your basic knight in shining armor. Have my own self esteem issues from a violent childhood. I have figured out that I can never fix her. ...gosh knows I have tried.


meh, I look at it like this: Whenever I see someone cheating, I'm gonna tell. Period. May not care less about the people involved, but the truth needs to be told. Secrets ruin many lives.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> oneMOreguy said:
> 
> 
> > You are not the first to say this to me. I am your basic knight in shining armor. Have my own self esteem issues from a violent childhood. I have figured out that I can never fix her. ...gosh knows I have tried.
> ...


Tunera.......you are actually the person I most wanted to weigh in, although I needed and appreciate the tough love all have provided.

I trust you to be objective and factual.....unbiased by your own life experiences.... even though we do not always agree.

I am finding it hard to move away from my fantasized image of this young lady. ....even though I have all of the facts to see her in reality. This type of issue is certainly the main reason why "just" EAs are so so dangerous.......they lead to clouded thinking. 

I was wobbling today on telling him......but no longer. I just hope she does not gaslight him. But as they say. ...not my circus, not my monkeys.

Thank you Tunera.....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> I am finding it hard to move away from my fantasized image of this young lady. ....even though I have all of the facts to see her in reality. .


Huh? 


Dude....this woman has screwed more men than a Nevada hooker. Seriously... she should start charging for her services. She's nasty. 

Gross.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

oneMOreguy said:


> I am finding it hard to move away from my fantasized image of this young lady. ....even though I have all of the facts to see her in reality. This type of issue is certainly the main reason why "just" EAs are so so dangerous.......they lead to clouded thinking.


Are you saying you can't think badly of her because you had a crush on her? That YOU have clouded thinking?


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> oneMOreguy said:
> 
> 
> > I am finding it hard to move away from my fantasized image of this young lady. ....even though I have all of the facts to see her in reality. This type of issue is certainly the main reason why "just" EAs are so so dangerous.......they lead to clouded thinking.
> ...


I think if all of you would know all of the facts you would say yes and yes. No crush for a few years, but I have a way of looking past her flaws. Of course I do that for almost everyone. My FOO issues have caused more havoc then I ever realized until I came here and also started seeing a shrink for severe adhd. 

I think I have such low self esteem that at an emotional level I think most everyone is better than me. Doesn't matter that I have multiple engineering degrees, successful career, sent two thru college, mensa iq, etc. I could probably keep a therapist busy for years. 

I pragmatically kept things rolling along ok until this young lady came along. Uggghhhh.....what a disaster.

And I do accept she is a danger to me and my marriage. And a danger to all around. My wife is a saint for letting me work thru this without kicking my butt out. She is a jewel.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Congratulations on the new addition to your family. YOUR FAMILY! Please leave this mess behind. You could be sitting in clover at this point in your life but you are inviting trouble & disrespecting your wife! You KNOW you are! Having a lost oversexed girl leaning on you doesn't make you a better man! PLEASE!


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

BrokenLady said:


> Congratulations on the new addition to your family. YOUR FAMILY! Please leave this mess behind. You could be sitting in clover at this point in your life but you are inviting trouble & disrespecting your wife! You KNOW you are! Having a lost oversexed girl leaning on you doesn't make you a better man! PLEASE!


Thank you. ....you are of course correct. I just needed a bunch of 2x4s to the head to clear my brain. It also helps to write out the answers to the hard questions some have asked. For me. ...having to read my own words seems to reduce my ability to duck and weave when I talk about my inappropriate friendship. I have never before been this straightforward about it. At the end of the day wanting something that is so dangerous to you is pure insanity. And I want my family to think better of me than that.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

oneMOreguy said:


> .she started screwing guys at 14 and never looked back......her guy list is over 90, most of them while she was in her first marriage.


Did her current husband know all this when he married her?

EDIT: Also, you absolutely should not be friends with this female. Show your wife some respect.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Tell you what, you must have a marvelous wife because some women would have left you long ago. You need to get this KISA syndrome taken care of before she has had enough.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

My grandad was in the 2nd World War. One day my 7 year old Mum was walking home from school & a man in uniform called to her across the street, he was holding a doll for her. That was the first time he met his daughter! He always said that his complete devotion to me was 'making-up for missing so much of my Mums life'. He was my hero. The PERFECT GRANDAD, the perfect man! 

I'm now 45 & I've learnt that he made many mistakes in his life but the day he held me he changed. People tell me he never drove over the speed limit after my birth! He never had much money but we had wonderful times. At his funeral I stood & tried to explain how he had made my life, how much he was loved, how invaluable he was. 

You could be that man. My grandad was amazing. Can you be an amazing man?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

OneMoreGuy,

If you are doing anything with this woman that your W does not know about it is cheating.

I believe you said you are retired from law enforcement, if so, your involvement with this woman is perhaps a way of continuing the excitement you felt as an officer, civilian life being a downer for you? 

I sometimes wonder if some officers become addicted to the attention they get from that percentage of the female population who like and will engage with a man in uniform. I've known women who liked cops and it seemed to me to almost as powerful an attraction as the attraction I've seen with men who are breast obsessed. 

Tamat


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

oneMOreguy said:


> I think if all of you would know all of the facts you would say yes and yes. No crush for a few years, but I have a way of looking past her flaws.


guy, I'm asking you to stop for a minute and just THINK. In X years, this girl has slept with 90 men. So that's about one new guy at least every other month of her life since the age of 14. Think about the mentality of a girl willing to slip off her undies and let a man stick his penis inside her whether she knows his name or not. Maybe you see a 'poor sick' girl but, as a woman, I will tell you something: females are not as naive and sweet as you men think we are. We KNOW we can control men with our vagina. We KNOW we can get you to give us stuff. We KNOW we can lie our socks off and you won't care, as long as you get to screw us. We (women like that) disgust ourselves but, moreso, those men willing to do it disgust us more.

This is not some poor little innocent girl who's been manipulated. She DECIDED to get what she wants by screwing. This is not just a matter of 'flaws.' This is one seriously f'd up female who's going to end up dead early on. 

But more importantly, what's even scarier than her, is YOU. It's one thing to be compassionate to someone who's screwed up. But to say you should be the one helping her, or to say she's not that bad, when the evidence is CLEAR, makes me really worried for you and your sense of reality.

Just how much therapy ARE you getting?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Cut them both loose. He started their relationship as a cheater, and now she is cheating on him. These people are toxic.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would be worried a girl like that would give and an STD or something penicillin can't cure, I agree show some respect for your wife and drop this girl like a bad habit. 

I say girl, because a real women would not be throwing herself at men by the dozen.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

It's never too late to become the man you want to be. Be honest with yourself!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> guy, I'm asking you to stop for a minute and just THINK. In X years, this girl has slept with 90 men. So that's about one new guy at least every other month of her life since the age of 14. Think about the mentality of a girl willing to slip off her undies and let a man stick his penis inside her whether she knows his name or not. Maybe you see a 'poor sick' girl but, as a woman, I will tell you something: females are not as naive and sweet as you men think we are. We KNOW we can control men with our vagina. We KNOW we can get you to give us stuff. We KNOW we can lie our socks off and you won't care, as long as you get to screw us. We (women like that) disgust ourselves but, moreso, those men willing to do it disgust us more.
> 
> This is not some poor little innocent girl who's been manipulated. She DECIDED to get what she wants by screwing. This is not just a matter of 'flaws.' This is one seriously f'd up female who's going to end up dead early on.
> 
> ...


My brothers oldest stepdaughter is one of these "poor innocent" girls. She freely admits to at least 80 guys. She gets mad at her husband (meal ticket) every few weeks, takes off and hooks up with some loser for a weekend and by tues or wed runs out of cash or sobers up and goes back home. She will dump her son off at a babysitter and just take off, she cares about one and one only, herself. 

For reasons I have never figured out the hubby always takes her back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is time you handed the Baton on to someone else and stopped the race to save this woman. 

She needs longterm, deep professional help.

Help that you cannot give her because you are not a professional.

You have done your best for her. 

It is time for you to back off, now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember you. 

You greatly remind me of my ex-husband. In my case, a 45 year marriage went down the tubes because of his genius-level, low self-esteem, people-pleasing KISA issues that turned into a decades long off-and-on relationship with someone he felt needed to be rescued. He now wishes he could turn back time and correct his behavior but he obviously can't. And I'm very happy without him (although I do sometimes regret our grandchildren no longer have their grandparents together). 

Don't let my story become yours. It could. The only reason yours didn't become a physical affair, IMO, is because she wasn't interested. But an emotional affair can be just as damaging and it's likely your wife would agree with me. Don't find out.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It is time you handed the Baton on to someone else and stopped the race to save this woman.
> 
> She needs longterm, deep professional help.
> 
> ...


Thanks. .......I need mostly the tough love, but I always enjoy the way you wrap your advice in kindness. 

This afternoon I inform husband and then walk away from both. Too much of the last 5 years has been spent dwelling and worrying about them. 

She is the only one to impact me like this in 61 years........a bad convergence of events. They are both users and she is manipulative. She has even admitted she knows how to push my buttons, etc.

My current mantras

Not my circus, not my monkeys

****, you will be ok. God's got this under control. 

Ok. ...time for oatmeal and a few hours at the gym. Still a nice day here in Missouri.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Her husband is informed.......and the messanger is shot...so to speak anyway.

He has deep denial and avoidance. Thinks she would never actually share that info with me if it were real. Or that I am just trying to cause a problem for them. Etc. Etc.

So..........not my circus, and definitely not my monkeys (mine are much cuter.....my wife and I have 4 stuffed monkeys...we even dress them up for Christmas...lol)

Thanks for the tough love and support. With them out of my life I may have much less reason to come back here in the future.......other than of course the high quality of those who post here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well done! 

As regards to her husband you can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to float on its back, you really HAVE got something! 

Have you thought about volunteering in a more formal setting? Maybe something you and your wife could do together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Good Job OMG! That must have taken a lot of courage. I'm sorry the husband doesn't get it but you did your bit and can now let it go. There will be some fallout coming up from her and I'm sure that will be difficult too. This is what will help you move on from her and hopefully see her as she is.

Your story reminded me of the Judge judy episodes where the guy has lent his shoulder for her to cry on, ear to empathize with her and pocketbook for her to spend. The guy always starts trying to help the "poor girl who has had some tough breaks" and ends when he realizes she is using him and doesn't care for him for any other reason.

Its a KISA with a lust factor. (even if the guy is in denial) The women are never old or unattractive. The women usually have a history of using other men this way. Judge Judy makes the guy feel foolish, the woman is pointed out to be a manipulative snake but gets to keep the cash since he gave it willingly with only implied strings attached. (keep me in your life, keep confiding in me, keep me hoping there may be something more to this relationship)

I am glass you have listened to the TAMer's. I'm sure this was not an easy thing to do. It is the right thing to do- for you and your marriage. Eventually your wife may not have felt so saintly about it. 

I do understand how hard it is to give that relationship up. I applaud you!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> Her husband is informed.......and the messanger is shot...so to speak anyway.
> 
> He has deep denial and avoidance. Thinks she would never actually share that info with me if it were real. Or that I am just trying to cause a problem for them. Etc. Etc.
> 
> ...


good job. He's been informed. I am sure the chances of a lightbulb coming on in his head will occur. I hate when they shoot the messenger though. 

You did what you had to, now wash your hands and walk away from them both. It's on him now.

And btw keep posting here.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> You are not the first to say this to me. I am your basic knight in shining armor. Have my own self esteem issues from a violent childhood. I have figured out that I can never fix her. ...gosh knows I have tried. In spite of her knowing my advice is always good......she prefers to take the easier path.
> 
> She probably had 40 to 50 guys while in her first marriage. ...open and swinging.....marriage lasted 4 or 5 years.
> 
> I really do appreciate all the comments from those looking at this objectively. I just am too emotionly involved. Academically I got a handle on this. ...I have two engineering degrees. But math leads me astray when it comes to feelings and emotions. I am glad that my wife is faithful stable and not a drama queen.


not a shocker her 'open marriage' died. It is beyond me to understand who could be serious with someone who had 40-50 guys while calling themselves 'your wife' but that's JMO. 

However, now she has to bring that disease to this marriage and literally destroy this other guy. if I was married to an invalid like her, I too would be drinking 100 beers a week, or at least getting divorced pronto. Again JMO


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> So he married a woman that was cheating on her husband with him, and you're worried about telling him she is a cheater?


Right? If they cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you. 

I'm amazed at the number of people who get hurt and are shocked when the one they're with cheat on them, when that is the way their relationship started. 

I've got a buddy going through this. She was cheating on her boyfriend with my friend. But, "it's okay, we have a real connection. This is love!" Over the past year, I've continually told him to pull his head out of his azz over this chick. He didn't listen. He caught her coming out of a parked car, making clothing adjustments, with another one of his friends a few weeks back after a night of all of us being out for drinks. 

And he believes her and him when they say "nothing happened...just talking". 

Jeezus H. Christ on a crutch. It appears despite my best efforts, he's just bound and determined to learn the hard way.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

All of you. ..thanks for caring. My eyes are tearing up. KISA with a lust factor........well, if the shoe fits I gotta own up to wearing it. If you compare my wife to my young lady friend, my wife would win by a bunch in all 50 major categories but one. That being flirtiness/sexiness. My wife does not come by it naturally and has zero interest in developing it. I find her attractive but she has little interest in sexuality. But that's another topic for another day. She is a wonderful person.....I am so lucky to be married to her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Well think hard, 49/50 is nearly perfect and 1/50 is a failure in your scenario. Why you double down on 1 out of 50 is beyond me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So basically, you'll let your d*ck dictate what you do.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

oneMOreguy said:


> All of you. ..thanks for caring. My eyes are tearing up. KISA with a lust factor........well, if the shoe fits I gotta own up to wearing it. If you compare my wife to my young lady friend, my wife would win by a bunch in all 50 major categories but one. That being flirtiness/sexiness. My wife does not come by it naturally and has zero interest in developing it. I find her attractive but she has little interest in sexuality. But that's another topic for another day. She is a wonderful person.....I am so lucky to be married to her.


Yeh, your wife is so great but just not sexy/flirty enough! And look how you thank her for being the wonderful loyal faithful wife. Years of being infatuated with some *****! You give away your time, attention, and your money to some sexy flirty girl who knows how to get the old geezers to give her money. Your wife is one lucky lady! You cheat and she turns a blind eye to it for years.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

As a general rule, when a man is friends with a flirty girl with hot coals in her pants, he's at least wanting to f-ck her. You guys know I right.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Starting to get a bit harsh here. Her flirtiness was enjoyable.......but nothing more between us. No matter what....my thinking is done with my brain and sometimes too much emotion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are getting a NEED met by helping her. 

Your wife is supposed to meet those needs.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> You are getting a NEED met by helping her.
> 
> Your wife is supposed to meet those needs.



You are perfectly correct.. as in past tense. Working on more closeness with wife and NO more contact with those two. I am very firm on this decision. Last 5 years have been cruddy......they have been a part of that. .....at 61 I want my remaining years to be positive.

You are a good person Tunera.....I hope your life goes as you would like. I know you struggle also.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> Starting to get a bit harsh here. Her flirtiness was enjoyable.......but nothing more between us. No matter what....my thinking is done with my brain and sometimes too much emotion.


I'm going to tell you something I told another poster: you are an affair waiting to happen. You dodged a bullet, somewhat, this time; but what are you going to do the next time some pretty little slvt like this one comes along jerking your chain? 

If you are not attracted to your wife, if you do not lust after her, then you have a problem amigo. A big problem. 

What is it about your wife that is not attractive to you? She's functional? She's not a cheating, promiscuous slvt? What is it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You didn't have an affair with her because she wasn't interested -- not because you turned her down. You played a dangerous game despite being told by posters that what you were doing was wrong.

When I was your age, I had been married for 40 years. I ended it five years later. I'm hopeful that won't be your wife's experience. She's been extremely patient with you -- more than most of us would be in her situation. Don't disappoint her again. She deserves much better.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

oneMOreguy said:


> Starting to get a bit harsh here. Her flirtiness was enjoyable.......but nothing more between us. No matter what....my thinking is done with my brain and sometimes too much emotion.


You want harsh? Go read the 111 pages of my thread lol.

I've been in the position of "**** you!" To some of the responses I've received. I've been an internet tough guy on some of my responses. And I've broken down in tears a LOT from some of the replies I've received. They can be nasty, mean, rude, spiteful and almost hateful.

But you know what? The words ALWAYS ring true in one way or another, or at the very least provoke deeper thinking and analyzation within myself.

Take the harsh comments, and put them to work. They'll help you grow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> You want harsh? Go read the 111 pages of my thread lol.
> 
> I've been in the position of "**** you!" To some of the responses I've received. I've been an internet tough guy on some of my responses. And I've broken down in tears a LOT from some of the replies I've received. They can be nasty, mean, rude, spiteful and almost hateful.
> 
> ...



We were putting you through the forge and beating you on the anvil weren't we?


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

sometimes its necessary….


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> We were putting you through the forge and beating you on the anvil weren't we?


Nah....,.you guys were nice as pie!!

No really, you kicked my ass. 

But I appreciate it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

oneMOreguy said:


> ....my struggle is why I stay on this site. Yes to all of the above....and no, my wife is not pleased that I stay in touch with this couple. She will be happy that I no longer mention their names.
> 
> But this stuff is harder than any of the books say, and the advice to just go NC is like telling a crack addict to just stop being an addict. It is hard to explain unless you have been there. It is the most difficult struggle of my life. But I keep picking myself up and plodding along again.
> 
> The trouble with extremely low self esteem is that you are constantly trying to get other people to like you, and that the only way you can figure out how to get them to like you is to do stuff for them. But that never creates true friendship......so it is almost like you are setting yourself up for constantly proving that you are not likable. A real catch 22. But I keep reading here and working on it.


You have just enough psychobabble lingo to be dangerous and excuse your own behavior, don't you? You are not a knight in shining armor, you are an older man desperately trying to provide 'comfort' to a troubled young woman for reasons known only to yourself. A classic cliche! Are you hoping by telling her husband you will be there to catch her when she falls? Maybe you should keep your busybody nose out of their business and focus on cleaning up your own mess at home, like disregarding your wife's wishes and carrying on contact with a woman you'd like to sleep with, but who won't have you. You're trying to come off like a good Samaritan but I call bullsh!t. I'd like to nominate you for ODB award of the evening (you can google it, gramps)!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

You can't save a person from themself. 

The situation will get worse before it gets better, if it does get better. But you need to stop intervening in this. She won't listen to you, and you can't stop her from destroying her life. 

Sometimes you have to jettison someone from your life. It isn't easy, and you don't want to, and maybe in some way you still care for them, but it something that you must do for yourself. I've managed to do it to a lot of people, and it is hard at first. But overtime, it gets easier, and eventually, they're a distant memory. Almost like a dream. 
Delete her number from your phone block it, and remove yourself from the situation. You can't stop it, you'll only be caught in the fallout.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Lilac23 said:


> oneMOreguy said:
> 
> 
> > ....my struggle is why I stay on this site. Yes to all of the above....and no, my wife is not pleased that I stay in touch with this couple. She will be happy that I no longer mention their names.
> ...


Hey......so nice of you to drop in and unload your own style of babble and BS. Insulting and thoroughly uneducated is the best anyone could say about your anslysis and post. 

Folks post here for discussion and assistance. You have provided neither. Any ol fool can come on here and post insults. You have succeeded at that at least. And you throw around the name "gramps" like a personal insult. I feel otherwise. You're just another newbie know it all behind a computer screen.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> You can't save a person from themself.
> 
> The situation will get worse before it gets better, if it does get better. But you need to stop intervening in this. She won't listen to you, and you can't stop her from destroying her life.
> 
> ...


You doing ok my young friend? Your thoughts are good ones. I'll get back to you on your pm.......sorry it's taken so long to do so. Like you say...we'll both be fine. .....day by day.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

And to add a bit more psycho babble gramps style......a very nice person messaged me with some thoughts and suggestions......saw more than a little co dependency in me and how I behave with others. Can't say I could argue at all. From website 

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to ?love? people they can pity and rescue

A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

A tendency to become hurt when people don?t recognize their efforts

An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

An extreme need for approval and recognition

A compelling need to control others

Lack of trust in self and/or others

Fear of being abandoned or alone

Difficulty identifying feelingsRigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

Problems with intimacy/boundariesLying/dishonesty

Poor communications

Difficulty making decisions

Almost all my life I thought everyone around me was pretty much like this. ....guess not, huh? My normal growing up must have been anything but really normal. Obviously.......

Thanks to the TAM member who gave me a heads up on possibility.


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