# Can a marriage be successful long-term without a spark?



## Jumper (Dec 31, 2012)

Newbie here, really enjoying these forums. :smthumbup:

My question is, can a relationship or marriage survive long term without a spark or deep emotional connection? 

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married 2 1/2. He was my first for a lot of things - love, long term relationship, etc - but not my first relationship or partner. We met when I was 20, he is 4 1/2 years older. He is a wonderful husband, attentive, affectionate, physically attractive, a great provider, very driven to succeed, etc. My parents and his are both still happily together and have been great role models, although we both feel the pressure not to "fail" as a couple because of this too. 

However aside from the initial excitement, I have never felt a huge 'spark'. We have started to try and spice up our sex life but for many years it was quite dull, I can count on one hand the times I have "gotten there" in the last 4-5 years with him. By myself is no problem. He has never WOW'ed me in bed, but not having much experience before him I didn't fully understand how important a satisfying sex life was. I'm definitely the more adventurous and dominant one. We are working on it but it seems to be slow progress and still rarely a finish for me...could this be from a lack of connection for me? Will it always be this way? 

Even on a day-to-day level, we are good friends but I wouldn't say there is a deep emotional connection. On the outside many tell us we are the perfect couple (nice home, good jobs, affectionate and never fight) but the feeling of something missing is always in the back of my head, and I worry about bringing kids into the picture. Is this something that could still develop even after 7 years together? I wish I could ask my parents their secret but I dont want to let them know there is "trouble in paradise"  I feel like we've got all the right ingredients to bake a great cake but for some reason the oven wont turn on. 

Thank you all!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I used to be a mod on an infidelity message board before it got blown up and there was a lady just like you. Exactly, exept had a couple little kids. She got to the point where she had to find out so she had a brief betrayal with some guy at her work reported to be quite the stud in bed. She said the sex was lousy. Her husband found out and after 2 long years of watching him fall apart and her kids always crying... he finally divorced her. And she seemed very contrite to me. She was deeply sad to lose her marriage and damage the kids, and lose a loving husband who ended up being a much better lover than Mr. Bed Right. 

The moral of this true story is keep looking at home for any answers to your questions. I realize you're not talking about betraying your husband, but I just wanted to pass this along.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

have you ever felt the sort of spark or deep emotional connection with anyone? has your husband?
are you happy? is he happy so far as you can tell? not just comfortable, not just surviving, not complacent but happy overall?
if the answer is yes, does the absence of the spark matter that you can't imagine living the rest of your life without experiencing it?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been married for 21 years. The first time my husband kissed me I felt this charge, this connection, this passion that I'd never ever felt before. The 'spark' we both felt was something that great love stories are made of.

I'm of the belief that either it's there or it isn't. It cannot be manufactured and without it long term marriage is hard. Without the 'spark' I would have never made it this far. 

Just my .02 though. Your mileage may vary.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I have a similar amount of time in the time with my wife and there was never a spark for me. There still is not. In the beginning I told myself I could make it work and everything else could outweigh that lacking. I was wrong.


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## 1234 (Dec 14, 2012)

Hi im looking for some advice.

I have been with my wife 17 years married for 12, we have 3 great kids 12 year old girl and twin boys that are 9.

My wife had been feeling for a few year that she loves me but isnt in love with me. We get along really well as she would agree. This came up last year the words I love you but im not in love with you, and it devistated me. We unfortunatly at that time didnt really do anything about it. Other than the sex not being very intimate we get a long so good that is why it is so hard to understand. My wife thought it would be a good idea to take the kids on a trip to Mexico a month after she said these words. We went on the trip and my wife thought it would be a good idea for me to get a wedding ring. These words just came up again acouple weeks ago along with, 
-it feels like we are just best friends
-it feels like we are just roommates
-i feel empty inside
-i dont feel a connection
-i need some space

She is always saying to this day im a "great husband and a great father and her best friend".. i feel lost she spent 1 week at her sisters, im at my sisters now to give her a bit of space. when i go home we will be staying in seperate beds. I feel she has given up and hasnt put 100% effort to this point to save this marriage and our family. She doesnt believe that you can get that connection/ in love feeling back.

any thoughts?

Currently she wants to seperate, still living at home just in seperate beds


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe folks make their own sparks. All over the world and throughout history, folks have gotten married for lots of reasons and "love" was probably the least common. Folks who don't even know each other get married. Most of these have lasted longer than the modern western spark-filled marriages. Find a few elderly couples who have 70 plus years of marriage and talk to them. I doubt any will tell you their marriage was successful because they always felt their pulse race. A good guy you can respect and live with isn't a bad catch. He could learn to be a little better in bed but you catch teach someone to be honorable or a caring partner or parent. You could swap your husband in on any other man living on this planet and I guarantee he won't naturally give you constant twitterpations, either.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I believe folks make their own sparks. All over the world and throughout history, folks have gotten married for lots of reasons and "love" was probably the least common. Folks who don't even know each other get married. Most of these have lasted longer than the modern western spark-filled marriages. Find a few elderly couples who have 70 plus years of marriage and talk to them. I doubt any will tell you their marriage was successful because they always felt their pulse race. A good guy you can respect and live with isn't a bad catch. He could learn to be a little better in bed but you catch teach someone to be honorable or a caring partner or parent. You could swap your husband in on any other man living on this planet and I guarantee he won't naturally give you constant twitterpations, either.


:iagree:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I believe folks make their own sparks.


I agree. I'm able to make my own spark now but like I said I had it and so I can access it when I want to. After 21 years it becomes a choice. I can choose to act passionate towards my husband or not. The feeling generally follows an action.

It isn't about my pulse racing it's about looking into his eyes and just loving him. Again it's a choice I make each and everyday.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I think there are certain mythologies perpetuated by our cultural stories - writing, music, theatre, film, TV, Internet - that there are such things as:
-"True" love (what is that, compared to what other love types?)
-Soul mates (really, just one other person in the entire world?)
-Feeling a "special" feeling (variously called a spark, "my heart sings", "my heart soars", and , well, pick your cliche)

I think these mythologies become imbedded in our consciousness as things we should feel, even though for many of us we haven't the foggiest exactly what any of these mean or precisely what the elusive feeling is. So we search, feeling somehow unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

This is not to belittle those relationships that simply have no connection, no care and concern. Nor does it deny that there are couples who do share some special feeling and connection.

But sometimes, happiness is right there in front of us and we miss it in search of some elusive end of the rainbow.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am totally confused by your post. You say you have been together for 7 years and married for only 2. Then you state you have NEVER had that spark and want it in your relationship. If that was SO important, then why did you marry the guy? I'm not sure if you are saying that there is no emotional bond or you are merely unhappy with the bedroom action.

The heart of your question is how important is an exciting sex life in marriage. The answer is subjective as people have varying levels of sexual desires. To some people it is hardly a factor to others it is highly important. How important it is to me or any of the other posters on here is really irrelevant. The only thing that really matters is how important to you. 

To fix this you are going to have to have a very serious conversation with your husband. If this is a die on the sword issue for you, he needs to know it, so he will take it as serious as you appear to be. I recommend that you educate yourself on this issue (on-line, books, etc). If the problem is achieving climax with straight intercourse, then you are not alone. However, there are other ways to success (oral, manual, toys, etc). The important thing is no matter what, you need to be honest with your husband.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maneo said:


> I think there are certain mythologies perpetuated by our cultural stories - writing, music, theatre, film, TV, Internet - that there are such things as:
> -"True" love (what is that, compared to what other love types?)
> -Soul mates (really, just one other person in the entire world?)
> -Feeling a "special" feeling (variously called a spark, "my heart sings", "my heart soars", and , well, pick your cliche)
> ...


What makes it difficult is when you have felt that spark, that something inside that tells you you should be with the person or makes you feel like you want them or need them, but it isn't not there with the person you are married to. You have felt that something extra for previous people, but not now.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Jumper said*: However aside from the initial excitement, I have never felt a huge 'spark'. We have started to try and spice up our sex life but for many years it was quite dull, *I can count on one hand the times I have "gotten there" in the last 4-5 years with him.* By myself is no problem. He has never WOW'ed me in bed, but not having much experience before him I didn't fully understand how important a satisfying sex life was. I'm definitely the more adventurous and dominant one. We are working on it but it seems to be slow progress and still rarely a finish for me...could this be from a lack of connection for me? Will it always be this way?


 Only about 30% of all women can achieve Orgasm with intercourse... Does he give you enough satisfying Foreplay? Does he do oral on you? 

Even if you had another partner, you may be one of those that struggle to orgasm. 

Are you having trouble reaching orgasm? A guide for women




> Even on a day-to-day level, we are good friends but I wouldn't say there is a deep emotional connection. On the outside many tell us we are the perfect couple (nice home, good jobs, affectionate *and never fight)* but the feeling of something missing is always in the back of my head, and I worry about bringing kids into the picture. Is this something that could still develop even after 7 years together? I wish I could ask my parents their secret but I dont want to let them know there is "trouble in paradise" I feel like we've got all the right ingredients to bake a great cake but for some reason the oven wont turn on.


 When a couple says they never fight, the 1st thing that comes to my mind is .....they are not communicating their feelings , wants & desires honestly to each other.. but likely some "stuffing" of emotions ...to keep the peace. A little conflict is GOOD!

The Spark... I've been with my husband for 31 yrs... In the beginning, we were more like Best friends, I can't say I had the fireworks that some young couples have talked about... I didn't go through a butterfly phase, it was more comfort, security..high affection... but I WAS attracted to him, and he was attracted to me... 

You dated for 5 yrs before you married, surely you KNEW what you had with this man....Did you feel you were settling, you couldn't find anyone else -so you just stayed? Or something was lost after marriage?

I know I didn't settle... I'd say I personally felt MORE spark in midlife with my husband over our beginning... so such things CAN be revived in a marriage...oh my YES... We were a bit backwards. But we've always felt the emotional connection...the best friends / Lovers at the same time. 


Just wondering what might have went wrong.... If you weren't communicating your needs, missing each others's Love Languages...(then add no arguing, no conflict to talk about how you are feeling more Empty)...this can allow the "emotional" you once felt to slip... resentment can so easily creep in & steal what you once felt ... Possible ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This might help...

Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone - a recipe for reconnecting emotionally and physically.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> The first time my husband kissed me I felt this charge, this connection, this passion that I'd never ever felt before. The 'spark' we both felt was something that great love stories are made of.
> 
> I'm of the belief that either it's there or it isn't. It cannot be manufactured and without it long term marriage is hard. Without the 'spark' I would have never made it this far.
> 
> Just my .02 though. Your mileage may vary.


Ditto. The "spark" for us was so strong the first time we kissed nearly 13 years ago that we were both intoxicated afterward. I mean she literally bumped into the door on the way out the house, and had trouble making it to her car, and I felt like my entire soul had exploded. That kiss was better than any sex I'd had before.

That "spark" can't be manufactured. Plenty of marriages have stayed in tact without it, but I believe that only works if both people are fine without it. Not every marriage, not even most marriages, are comprised of people in great, epic love stories. 

I know that our chemistry, that feeling of being "in love", is imperative to us, and has carried us through the darkest times in our relationship. I can not imagine being married without it.


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## Jumper (Dec 31, 2012)

VFW said:


> I am totally confused by your post. You say you have been together for 7 years and married for only 2. Then you state you have NEVER had that spark and want it in your relationship. If that was SO important, then why did you marry the guy?


I had a feeling this question would come up, I see it so often on this forum. I was young when we met and knew I had a good catch. My family loves him, my friends love him, and I love him as well. I knew he was driven, caring, honest and would always take care of me to the best of his abilities; he is very in love with me. I thought I was doing the right thing, but perhaps I was being a coward in not putting myself first. Obviously I didn't know myself then as well as I do now and didnt realize how important a few things were that I now see are lacking in our relationship. I actually went to IC before our wedding because I was having doubts as to whether he was "the one", and with my therapist's help decided I didn't believe in "the one" and didn't want to let him go. Gut feeling I ignored? Perhaps. I can't figure out if the lack of emotional connection causes the lacking sex life, or vice versa. 

We do have a lot of good things going for us so I don't want to throw it all away if this is something we can overcome or manufacture enough for a happy life together. I have had intense chemistry with someone so know what that feels like. 

SimplyAmourous, your relationship with your husband gives me hope.


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## Jumper (Dec 31, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I know that our chemistry, that feeling of being "in love", is imperative to us, and has carried us through the darkest times in our relationship. I can not imagine being married without it.


This is what I worry about. Hitting the hard times (although this past year has been pretty trying) and possibly adding kids into the mix and riding out those rough years without a spark. That prospect is scary to me, but surely many people work? I'm just not sure if I am cut out to be one of them.

Also, thank you everyone for the booked suggestions. We started reading His Needs/Her Needs and the 7 Principles for Making Marriage work, so hopefully those will help as well.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Ditto. The "spark" for us was so strong the first time we kissed nearly 13 years ago that we were both intoxicated afterward. I mean she literally bumped into the door on the way out the house, and had trouble making it to her car, and I felt like my entire soul had exploded.


I describe it as feeling like I couldn't breathe and I could barely stand up. And to this day there are times when he can still do that to me.

Now that I've had this I'll never be able to live without it. The chemistry is what makes us great.

To the OP we never fight unless there is an infant in the house. But like jaquen said it was our deep chemistry that got us through it all. In fact it's what gets us through the rough times now and yes there are still rough times.

I wanted the epic love story so I refused to marry unless I found it. We haven't always had a great marriage but the chemistry that 'spark' has always been there. It's never wavered.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jumper said:


> I had a feeling this question would come up, I see it so often on this forum. I was young when we met and knew I had a good catch. My family loves him, my friends love him, and I love him as well. I knew he was driven, caring, honest and would always take care of me to the best of his abilities; he is very in love with me.


 All of this ~ I could have said about my husband too. 



> I thought I was doing the right thing, but perhaps I was being a coward in not putting myself first. Obviously I didn't know myself then as well as I do now and didnt realize how important a few things were that I now see are lacking in our relationship. I actually went to IC before our wedding *because I was having doubts as to whether he was "the one",* and with my therapist's help decided I didn't believe in "the one" and didn't want to let him go. Gut feeling I ignored? Perhaps. I can't figure out if the lack of emotional connection causes the lacking sex life, or vice versa.


 I did break up with my BF/now husband a short time to date another .... but in that experience, It gave me the clarity I needed as a young woman who never dated anyone else...that HE was " the one", I missed my best friend.... so when I planned our wedding, I was so very happy & full of Joy, one of the happiest days of our lives (outside of the births of our children).... also I never felt "that spark" or "a spark" for anyone other than him, so I am sure this helps too.

So was this *spark*/ the fireworks... you felt with a previous Bf, that didn't work out...and he moved on to another? 










I was watching Rick Warren on CNN, he said we can't help who we are attracted to ,but we can choose who we love..

What about your husband is NOT doing it for you....what ATTRACTS YOU to a man that he is lacking specifically, can you spell it out?? What are you craving & feeling that is NOT being met??

Have you & him ever taken the Love Languages Tests (below) or read either:

*1*.  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts : Gary Chapman:  

*2.* His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: 












> The Five Love Languages: Knowing a Person's Love Language is Vital to Healthy Communication
> 
> *Tests* >>  Love Languages Personal Profile .... and .... Ok Cupid 5 Love Languages Test ..


 Or you can print these out for the both of you.... this is an Emotional Needs Questionnaire  as a starting point .... so you can see where each is at... and if you'd both be willing to work on the relationship, to see if it can be salvaged. 



> Taken from this book .... His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
> 
> * 10 Emotional needs:
> *
> ...





> *Jumper said: *We do have a lot of good things going for us so I don't want to throw it all away if this is something we can overcome or manufacture enough for a happy life together. I have had intense chemistry with someone so know what that feels like.


 It's not something you can manufacture, it has to be something you both dig deep to explore and learn from each other, find what you have been missing all of these years...

Ok my Husband is a passive man, more the nice guy type, he is not a ball of excitement, he is very stable calm , responsible...but I need that, cause I can be a little wired at times... we balance each other out.. but while having a slew of kids, I took him for granted... ya know.. we needed to RE discover ourselves again. Now had something happened to him during that time, I would have woke up from my slumber like MAD and hated myself for not seeing what was RIGHT in front of me all along. 

Does this make any sense, I'd get a book like this --- to help you rediscover the Romance in your relationship, the passion, before you throw this all away... but it always takes 2.

Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse: Shmuley Boteach: 9781580627924: Amazon.com: Books
.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Jumper said: "I have had intense chemistry with someone so know what that feels like."

I'm afraid that this means you have had chemistry with someone other than your husband during your relationship with him. Is that the case?


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## Jumper (Dec 31, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm afraid that this means you have had chemistry with someone other than your husband during your relationship with him. Is that the case?


Nope, it was someone I briefly dated before my husband that did not work out for a laundry list of reasons. My husband was the first person who made me forget about him (although even that took quite awhile) which I think added to my initial attraction for my husband.

My husband is very much a "nice guy", and very similar to my father whom I have a close relationship with. I'm not surprised I ended up with him, even though I wouldnt say he is my "ideal" mate. 

I am recently back in IC to explore this further, but really appreciate everyone's input!


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## PerfectlyImperfectLove (Oct 6, 2017)

Jumper....I would love to know what the outcome of this was. Sadly in an identical (based on what you’ve written) situation. 
X


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