# My big problem...



## Renegade (Nov 14, 2012)

Oh my gosh temptation central here.

This woman at work, I cannot figure out what the heck is going on. I don’t know if I’m coming or going when I’m around her. She started working here a few years after me. She’s beautiful, nice, funny and I find her extremely attractive.

We got to being friends. We had her family over for dinner with mine and vice versa. Kids and birthday parties and that stuff. 

We work semi-close and over time she would start with the light touch on the arm or shoulder when she would walk up to my desk or the laugh and reach out and touch my arm thing. I figured that’s just who she was. There are people who are just “touchers”. I don’t mind. I like being touched. That’s just me. Whatever. 

Then she started with the winking. She would walk by with her big beautiful smile and wink at me. Sometimes she would stick out her tongue. It (from my opinion) was complete flirting. I let this go on for a while. I was into her. I didn’t want it to stop because… you know… she’s… well… into me. I’m mid-thirties, she’s lower-thirties. 

She would confide in me. I would give her the best advice I could. I told her she should stay with her husband and work things out. I gave her books that my wife and I had read about strong marriages. All that time I am sitting there, pining after her thinking of her all the time. Each day at work would be an email thread that would take between 5-10 pages if it were printed. We would chit chat all day. If I didn’t e-mail her by 8:30 I would get one asking how I am and it would start a whole new conversation for that day. If I called in sick I would get an e-mail asking how I am doing. If I was having a bad day I would get an e-mail of something funny she found on facebook. We really had an office relationship.

She wanted me to read a book with her so she gave me an extra kindle they had laying around. Then one Sunday morning she said she really needed it back. Her husband didn’t know I let her borrow it and she needed it back. So I drove to her house and dropped it off. That was tough. I don’t know what her intentions were, but when I got there she was in tights with a tight top, had her hair in pigtails, had clearly just cleaned herself up and was wearing a hat she knew I would like and made a point to point that out. Oh my gosh I wanted her soo bad. The following Wednesday she asked me to drive her to lunch. So I did and we were making small talk. I brought up Sunday and I look over at her and she was completely blushing. 

After that I sent her an e-mail saying that I think that we needed to set boundaries. I love the living **** out of my wife. I had been doing a lot of stuff behind her back though. I asked her what boundaries she thought we would need to set and what she thought of the idea. She said she didn’t think we needed them.

A few months later (after more of the same), the Friday before some holiday that most of the company had taken off, she was filling in for the receptionist and sent me an e-mail asking me to come and sit with her. I sat with her for three hours. She told me how disappointed she was with her life, how jealous she was of her sister. How much she missed her mom and pretty much completely unloaded. She said she felt fat and ugly since her two c-sections. Her husband had pointed out how she wasn’t the nimble, spry cheerleader with the tight butt that she used to be. I told her that I didn’t know her then, but I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had seen. I talked to her about her jealousy problem and all of the things that had bothered her. 

I tried to make her feel better about herself. Inside I was a complete torrent of conflict. I wanted to be the best friend I could and not cross the line. Where was the line though? I am a guy. I don’t speak woman. Do we not need boundaries because she trusts me? Do we not need boundaries because she wants me? I know I wanted her. I wanted to be there for her and I don’t know… I wanted to move the relationship. I wanted her to feel loved and I really loved her. I didn’t have the courage/stupidity to tell her right there. I thought I could at least show her. Thankfully I didn’t actually do anything. I said a bunch of stuff, but nothing too crazy.

Untill I got home. I thought about her all the way home. I got there and typed up a really nice e-mail in which I told her I love her. I apologized for it. I said I know it was completely inappropriate. I told her our friendship meant a lot to me. Blah blah blah. I figure dI would get a hate mail about what a sleaze I am or something, but she just sent back “Thank you” and pretty much that’s it.

I felt like an idiot (because I am). The next workday I brought her some paperwork. When I walked up she was typing an e-mail and when I nosed around, like I always do (it’s a bad habit) I saw it was to another friend saying she thinks she stepped on a landmine. 

There were no more chatty e-mails. I asked what was wrong (to try to get her to tell me) and she said she really needed to focus on her work and stop messing around. Her boss had said something and she needed to buckle down. 

I had made things too serious I guess.

Well, I have a therapist. I have PTSD and I told him about all of this. He had been telling me to stop talking to her for a while. So I finally did. I used that opening to get out. I stopped e-mailing her altogether. I made work related conversations as short and concise as possible without being rude. I didn’t stick around while she did paperwork. I didn’t look up anymore when I saw her out of my peripheral vision. After the first few weeks I stopped thinking about her. 

6 days after I stopped talking to her I got a random e-mail from a made up e-mail account telling me to stop talking to her and she’s not who I think she is, she’s manipulative and spiteful and in that was a forwarded Yahoo IM conversation between her and another person about an affair he had on her husband and inviting her to go back home to have a mini-orgy with the man she had cheated with and another husband/wife couple.

Seriously… I wasn’t surprised a bit. I actually think I chuckled. I didn’t reply to the e-mail. I just kind of dropped the whole thing.

I had already stopped talking to her, like completely. That lasted about two months before she sent me an e-mail saying that she knows I hate her and that while it seems selfish she asked me to pray for her because her brother was going to Afghanistan. I told her I don’t hate her but I embarrassed and ashamed for the things I said to her. I apologized for ruining our friendship and making things weird. Since then there have been 1 or 2 e-mails a week that get sent back and forth. 

Here comes the worst part…

I don’t want to be friends with her anymore but I do. There are feelings still. It’s been that way for a while. 

I really wish I had told her to “f” off when she sent me an e-mail. I was doing sooooo good. I am part heart broken. I don’t know what I should have expected. She’s someone else’s wife and I’m someone else’s husband. I don’t want my family to do things with her family. Thankfully right before this happened all kids birthdays had finished for the year. My kids haven’t seen hers for a while and hopefully come next birthday they will not ask for them to come. 

Please feel free to tell me what a moron I am. I don’t have a lot of pride left.

I do feel better for getting all this down though. I know this may not be the best read right now. Sorry about the wall of text. There is a lot that I didn’t say. No, I never had any form of sexual contact with her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

She was having an emotional affair with you and sounds like her husband found out or she confessed. You mention marriage books you and your WIFE read - you also had an emotional affair. Cut it out. Look for another job to sever ALL ties and reconnect with your wife. You won't get much sympathy here on feelings from a married man for a married woman.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You need to bite the bullet and realize that there is nothing "good" that can come from this. You never wanted to be friends, friends don't ruin their friend's marriages and they do not want more then a friendship. That is fact.
You need to cut all contact with her, tell your wife that you did these stupid things. If you love the livingSh** out of your wife like you say then drop this crush on its behind and move on with your life.
The fact that you are getting emails about her behaviors and her sending you "I know you hate me but.." emails, is a sign that she is no more then a Juvenal mind set person. Adults do not play those pity me and test the waters games. Get the hell out of the situation. It sounds like you are infatuated for one reason or another with what you THINK she is really like and not what she is.

You are not responsible for how she feels about her self and can do nothing to change her perception of her self, that is her's alone to fix. While the thought is a nice one it is not based in reality at all.

Let it go and stop talking with her, change your job, number, email and what ever other way she has to suck you back in. You are dealing with a clear manipulator here whether you want to see it or not. Risking hurting your children and wife along with her children and husband is not worth it.


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## betta (Nov 13, 2012)

Allow me to dissent here. I don't think a reductionist approach solves anything. I think you need to consider you situation holistically, including all of your relationships.

I don't think it will do any good for you to tell your wife that you had an emotional affair when you don't know why you had that affair. Conflict for the sake of conflict doesn't do anyone any good. Consider who you are, what needs were being served by your extramarital relationship, then decide whether or not it will improve your relationship with your wife to tell her.

However, I want you to consider your own behavior honestly and understand the differences between needs and desires. Fulfilling needs allows you to function. Fulfilling desires does not. 

I think it's alright to extend your empathy beyond your primary relationship. Some people don't. Be aware of what your wife's expectations are in this area. That said, friendships do need boundaries. Boundaries aren't simply things you don't do, but are a way for you to respect yourself, your life, and those whom may be hurt by your decisions.

Every relationship needs boundaries, even the one you share with your wife. That statement won't be popular, but it, I think, is what most people forget, and how people screw up their most important relationships. This is the area that I think you need to work on. Boundaries help us make sure our own needs are reasonably well met so we can function and meet the needs of others in our life that's important to us.

I think you need to consider how you went down the wrong path in not meeting your own needs for yourself by honestly communicating what those needs were, and thereby not being able to effectively meet the needs of others who are important to you. 

I think you need to ask yourself if person X is worth your investment, and the misery that will come with her. I think you need to ask yourself if what you want will be served by further supporting a relationship with person X or your wife. I think you need to define strategies to fulfill your interpersonal needs that allow you to be faithful and supportive of your wife.

A marriage is, more than anything else, a cooperative effort toward a goal. Divorce doesn't actually exist when children are present. Whatever you decide will have consequences, and I think you need to be aware of all the consequences of each action you might take, not only for you, but for your wife, your children, and person X's children.


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## Renegade (Nov 14, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> She was having an emotional affair with you and sounds like her husband found out or she confessed. You mention marriage books you and your WIFE read - you also had an emotional affair. Cut it out. Look for another job to sever ALL ties and reconnect with your wife. You won't get much sympathy here on feelings from a married man for a married woman.


I have taken another job at my company on another shift to get away from her.

Not looking for sympathy. Just something I needed to get out.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This woman was toying with you like a kitten with a lizard.

You have your wife and family at home man.
Stop trying to figure her out,

*FORGET HER.*


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Renegade said:


> I have taken another job at my company on another shift to get away from her.
> 
> Not looking for sympathy. Just something I needed to get out.


Good deal. No contact! You'll thank yourself for it. Remember this so it won't happen again! :smthumbup:


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## Renegade (Nov 14, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> You need to bite the bullet and realize that there is nothing "good" that can come from this. You never wanted to be friends, friends don't ruin their friend's marriages and they do not want more then a friendship. That is fact.
> You need to cut all contact with her, tell your wife that you did these stupid things. If you love the livingSh** out of your wife like you say then drop this crush on its behind and move on with your life.
> The fact that you are getting emails about her behaviors and her sending you "I know you hate me but.." emails, is a sign that she is no more then a Juvenal mind set person. Adults do not play those pity me and test the waters games. Get the hell out of the situation. It sounds like you are infatuated for one reason or another with what you THINK she is really like and not what she is.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have told my wife. She was hurt but very understanding. 

My wife IS worth it. That is why I told her. We had a very long conversation about it, how it started and how it's ending. 

Thank you for your curt and to the point response. I tried not to make a complete wall of text in my post. There is a lot I didn't put in there. I've known something was off about her for a while. My therapist put into words what I already knew the best when he said that I was addicted to the attention, affection, kind words and manipulation and that it's actually a wierd kind of feeding off of each other thing. 

Either way, I am moving past this. It'll be that much easier once I find a replacement for myself and train that new person up.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I read your post and found myself talking to the screen. When you said you didnt want to cross the line, I said "you already did". LOL

Anyway, Im glad you got away from it, Im glad you told your wife and Im glad she accepts it and doesnt hate you for it cause some women would.

I think we all love attention but you have to know where to draw the line. There is no amount of attention in this world that Im willing to accept at the expense of hurting my husband (even if he has done that to me).


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

No one wake up and says, hmmm, maybe I'll start an affair today!

Affairs are the result of a LOT of small choices and decisions every step of the way. You had every opportunity to nip this in the bud yet you chose not to. The "why" you made all those choices and took all those steps is what you need to think about and understand about yourself.

"I couldn't help myself" is not a reason - everyone has self-control even though not everyone chooses to exercise it because they LIKE what they're getting - flattering attention and validation. She didn't force you into this. You walked that path on your own, day by day, email by email.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> This woman was toying with you like a kitten with a lizard.
> 
> You have your wife and family at home man.
> Stop trying to figure her out,
> ...


She played you. Who knows why and what was going through her head. CM called it.

Forget her.


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