# Is she cheating?



## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

I'm pretty upset about a suspicion I have relating to my wife having an affair, I'll provide a bit of background first.

We initially met online and things went fairly well for a couple of years, we got married in Jan 2009 and she moved over to the uk from morocco in July 2009. Since her moving in we have been struggling, I guess both of us expected different people and we're now trying to adjust. I don't think it's any one person's fault - there are two in a relationship - but we are aware that a lot of trust and respect needs to be rebuilt at this stage.

However, a couple of weeks ago I noticed that she's been making very frequent calls to one particular number (I pay for both our mobile bills). Just to give you an idea, in the last three months there have been 2000 texts and 15 hours worth of calls and about 15 picture messages to his number. The calls started in feb/march this year.

I did confront her about this and she gave me the first name of this person but she's saying that he's just a friend she's known 2 years who has studied psychology and who has been helping her through the tough times we've been experiencing. BTW we're all based in the uk. Initially I was willing to accept that and i believed she was being genuine, but there was another development.

Last month, my wife went on holiday to turkey for 2 weeks - alone (so i was told) and stayed at a sheraton hotel. But - and this is the event that left me in shock - I was still a bit suspicious. So one evening when she was at work, I checked one of her bedside drawers and quickly found a hotel card key and his name was written on it along with a room number at the sheraton in turkey she was staying at. This was together with part of her return plane ticket. I know she was definitely at this hotel because she brought slippers back home with the hotel name and location. It feels almost as if she wanted me to find the card.

To me that was pretty conclusive evidence of an affair but i wanted to ask other people what they think - is it 100% that she's cheating? She's had a chance to confess when confronted about the calls so can't understand why she hasn't. It's all very upsetting and i'm preparing to raise this with my wife tomorrow - she's still unaware i found the hotel card. The only reason i haven't today is that she has an interview tomorrow and didn't want to ruin it for her.

Very interested in anyone else's opinion. Maybe she hasn't cheated but i'm struggling to believe that right now


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

1 - Yes, she's cheating, even IF it's not physical.
2 - She will NEVER come clean until you have concrete proof.
3 - Back off and look for evidence.
3 (alternate) - Just leve her now before you have kids. That's where it's heading anyhow (although evidence will help you in the divorce terms).

Good luck


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

This past week i found an investigator just to do some email and mobile analysis and to be an objective ear. He thinks there's not only an emotional affair but also a secret liaison going on. He advised me to confront her using the mobile activity and hotel key as evidence.

The thing is she's not showing any remorse or guilt about it whatsoever. That really gets me. And yes, she's showing no signs at all of admitting to anything. As you say, at the very least it's an emotional affair.

Why is it that she won't come clean without concrete evidence? Wouldn't the hotel card be good enough evidence? I'm not sure she could explain that away. Why stay in a marriage if you want to be with another person? I do admit my faults within the marriage and am happy to work on them - in fact I'm even seeing a therapist.

We only been intimate a handful of times so i feel like she's never been attracted to me. She doesn't enjoy the sex but also shows little interest in helping me to be better.


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

cody5 said:


> 1 - Yes, she's cheating, even IF it's not physical.
> 2 - She will NEVER come clean until you have concrete proof.
> 3 - Back off and look for evidence.
> 3 (alternate) - Just leve her now before you have kids. That's where it's heading anyhow (although evidence will help you in the divorce terms).


Agree, it's clearly an emotional affair, which is very hard to cope with in itself. But the whole hotel thing can only say physical affair as well. She has a job interview tomorrow but i'm planning to discuss the hotel holiday after that. And the only outcome i can see is to suggest a trial separation.

Thing is because of debt issues I was struggling to be able to take her out and I started to resent her as I was never offered help with the rent or bills. I'd sent her a lot of support money before she came to the uk - which meant making sacrifices my life - so she actually really disappointed me.

It's just too painful for me to continue investigating behind her back - one week of doing that was enough thanks. I'm going through all the emotions most of you are probably already aware of and the separation may be easy for her but i know for me it'll be really hard.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

What exactly did the investigator find?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

She is most likely cheating. A cheater is a liar--they get to the point where lying is a "knee-jerk" reaction. And they even belief most of their own tales. My husband of 20 plus years cheated on me for 2 years before he finally moved out. During that 2 year period he was distant, doing heavy texting, taking trips "alone", and going "out" at least two nights a week. Heck he even left a box of condoms under my truck seat one time. And I stumbled onto a second wardrobe at one point. But, every time I questioned him about all of the evidence, he denied the affairs. He didn't admit to them until a year after he moved out of the house. Don't hold your breath waiting for a straight answer.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

spindler.frogster said:


> I started to resent her as I was never offered help with the rent or bills. I'd sent her a lot of support money before she came to the uk - which meant making sacrifices my life - so she actually really disappointed me.


That is pretty confusing to me. If you sent her support money, she probably expected you could afford it, so how did she later come to know you needed financial assistance? She might also wonder why you expect her to help, perhaps wondering if that is the reason you married her. No woman wants to feel used, and you may have made her think that way. The mixed signal is you sending money and then need/expect money from her after you are married. Many women and many cultures believe the man is supposed to pay for the home and upkeep. It seems to me there was rude awakening for her after she arrived. I also wonder for you to expect her to help financially, where did she get money to help if you needed to send her money before she came to the UK with you?

Speaking of feeling used, most women do not want to teach a man what to do in bed. They don't want to have to teach him how to please her. If a man has no idea or is inconsiderate of her, it makes her feel used. It makes her feel like a sex object, and no woman on this earth enjoys feeling objectified for a man's purpose. It appears you will have to learn how to please a woman. Perhaps she will not help you in that area, but just like you found this site to complain of her affair, you can find websites to teach you what to do in bed.

I know you are hurting of her affair, but you have to also realize that she is the one who is disappointed.


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

827Aug said:


> She is most likely cheating. A cheater is a liar--they get to the point where lying is a "knee-jerk" reaction. And they even belief most of their own tales. My husband of 20 plus years cheated on me for 2 years before he finally moved out. During that 2 year period he was distant, doing heavy texting, taking trips "alone", and going "out" at least two nights a week. Heck he even left a box of condoms under my truck seat one time. And I stumbled onto a second wardrobe at one point. But, every time I questioned him about all of the evidence, he denied the affairs. He didn't admit to them until a year after he moved out of the house. Don't hold your breath waiting for a straight answer.


Thanks for your response, I'm sorry to hear what you went through and i recognise all of the signs you noticed. You're right that it becomes lie after lie. Well, it turns out that you're absolutely right. In the end I did some further investigating on the laptop - which I hated doing and hope I never have to do it again. I found concrete evidence that yes she has been having a very physical affair with this person for at least three months. 

Having confronted her and heard her admission (although she never did admit to the physical side), she strangely wanted the three of us to meet(?) That discussion came to nothing and a few days later I commenced the divorce process. 

Our situation is a little unusual in that she's Moroccan and so is here on a spouse visa which obviously becomes void in the event of break down of the relationship. She wanted us to separate and stay married until she was granted residency. But I just can't do that, I need to move on just as she needs to do the same.

It's just very sad that it's all come to this, I feel that I was used as a ticket to the UK. Pretty much ever since she arrived in July 2009 she's been pretty moody and miserable. Clearly I know now that it's because she never wanted to be with me.

My only wish now is to get through the divorce as quickly as possible. We're no longer in contact at all which is what i want but it feels strange. I'd even rather not have to see her again but obviously she has a right to live at home until the divorce is complete and depending on what the resulting arrangements are of course.

As far as my solicitor is concerned, we can go down the unreasonable behaviour route as apparently that can't be contested whereas admission to adultery would have to be agreed upon by both parties.


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> That is pretty confusing to me. If you sent her support money, she probably expected you could afford it, so how did she later come to know you needed financial assistance? She might also wonder why you expect her to help, perhaps wondering if that is the reason you married her. No woman wants to feel used, and you may have made her think that way. The mixed signal is you sending money and then need/expect money from her after you are married. Many women and many cultures believe the man is supposed to pay for the home and upkeep. It seems to me there was rude awakening for her after she arrived. I also wonder for you to expect her to help financially, where did she get money to help if you needed to send her money before she came to the UK with you?
> 
> Speaking of feeling used, most women do not want to teach a man what to do in bed. They don't want to have to teach him how to please her. If a man has no idea or is inconsiderate of her, it makes her feel used. It makes her feel like a sex object, and no woman on this earth enjoys feeling objectified for a man's purpose. It appears you will have to learn how to please a woman. Perhaps she will not help you in that area, but just like you found this site to complain of her affair, you can find websites to teach you what to do in bed.
> 
> I know you are hurting of her affair, but you have to also realize that she is the one who is disappointed.



Morally, anyone married who feels that a relationship is about to develop with some one else should say so and terminate their marriage or at least separate. It isn't fair to continue in a marriage whilst devoted to another - it goes against trust and loyalty that you need in a stable relationship.

In terms of the money, since she arrived I've paid for all of the mortgage/rent, bills and on most of the food shopping. Actually the only thing I asked of her was to cover her own mobile phone bill and she never took the initiative to do that. In the first few months I was even sending money back to her family in morocco in addition to all of the above.

It may be that her culture says that the man covers everything, but to be fair I did inform her of my financial situation before we got married. So she was perfectly free and entitled to end things at that point.

In terms of the intimacy, with all due respect I'm not sure you're in a position to make a judgement that I can't please women in general. We were either sexually incompatible or she never wanted to be with me from the start. I even arranged sex therapy at one stage but she ended up not attending. Also, I'm not sure using websites to research what to do in bed is sensible. Surely the couple needs to work together for that as everyone has different needs and preferences.

Perhaps we'll just have to agree to disagree on some of your points but I appreciate you providing your opinions.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Speaking of feeling used, most women do not want to teach a man what to do in bed. They don't want to have to teach him how to please her. If a man has no idea or is inconsiderate of her, it makes her feel used. It makes her feel like a sex object, and no woman on this earth enjoys feeling objectified for a man's purpose. It appears you will have to learn how to please a woman. Perhaps she will not help you in that area, but just like you found this site to complain of her affair, you can find websites to teach you what to do in bed.
> 
> I know you are hurting of her affair, but you have to also realize that she is the one who is disappointed.


LOL. Now I've seen it all.


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

Blue Moon said:


> What exactly did the investigator find?


In the end, painful as it was, I ended up skimming over intimate details of their relationship which is a full blown affair. It included finding explicit photos of both of them, emails and texts clearly expressing thoughts on their various experiences together. It was really very upsetting - not just to find out that she is with some one else, but that she fell in love with him and all the while she carried on living with me and meeting my family. And the realisation that she was never really in to me.

I don't know if she expected to be able to get away with it for another year (when her spouse visa expires) but even if she had, i would still need to have agreed to her having permanent residency. Clearly that's all she was after from me.

As it stands, I've already told the relevant authorities that the marriage has broken down. So chances are her spouse visa may not be valid for much longer - even before the divorce - unless she manages to put a case forward in her favour.

In the end, she finally asked me outright if I would let her stay here for another year whilst she lives with her new man until she gets residency. She seemed to have no remorse whatsoever about the relationship and in my mind, how could she expect me to honour such a request after what has happened?


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## spindler.frogster (Jan 30, 2010)

Kobo said:


> LOL. Now I've seen it all.


Hi Kobo, 
Were you agreeing with Susan or disagreeing? No worries either way, I just wondered.


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