# What is wrong with me.



## asdfghjkl (Jan 5, 2013)

Hi all.

Don't usually post on forums like these, but tonight it's looking like my marriage may be about to fail because of my own stupid behaviour. I would consider myself quite emotionally stable apart from one issue which my wife understandably hates. 2 times in our 7 year relationship (3 year marriage) I've bought expensive things without telling her, both around $1,500 worth.

A pretty big deal to be honest.

I haven't purchased anything since, but my business has been doing really well this last year and I decided to invest $3000 of the savings in the business into a medium risk investment which is doing quite well at the moment, but again without telling her.

She is very risk averse and would never have agreed to it which is why I didn't tell her. Now it's half way to breaking even again I mentioned it today, naively expecting her to be pleased with the investment.

She has flipped out (on reflection I can totally understand why) and is talking about moving out tomorrow.

I can't seem to break this pattern of spending/using money without telling her every few years. I love her to bits and other than this our relationship is great but it's destroying the trust we have.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

asdfghjkl said:


> Hi all.
> 
> Don't usually post on forums like these, but tonight it's looking like my marriage may be about to fail because of my own stupid behaviour. I would consider myself quite emotionally stable apart from one issue which my wife understandably hates. 2 times in our 7 year relationship (3 year marriage) I've bought expensive things without telling her, both around $1,500 worth.
> 
> ...


So you are hiding things from her because you know she wouldn't approve, using marital funds to do so and then saying you love her to bits? Please explain.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

That's dumb. You even made money on it. To want to divorce over something as simple as that is stupid to me. Marriages can have real problems like spouses cheating. Now that's a reason to end it.


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## asdfghjkl (Jan 5, 2013)

I know it sounds really stupid. Other than this I think (and I know she does too) that I'm a really good husband. It's just something clicks inside me and I have to make the decision to spend the money there and then. The most stupid example was when I spent $1500 on a guitar, knowing full well she would be hacked off. I just drove down to the music shop and bought it. Got home and cried..

I packaged up this investment in my mind as I am pretty confident it will make the money back and I genuinely think it will give us a better future.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, I just have no idea why I am.

She is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life and I am throwing our marriage away with stupid, self-destructive behaviour.

Quite understandably she now says she can't trust me. I would and have never lied to her about anything else. Every time it centres on my irresponsible attitude to money, 3 times in 7 years.


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## asdfghjkl (Jan 5, 2013)

I take your point Alex, but Therealbrighteyes has it spot on. I shouldn't be doing this stuff if I love her but something just clicks inside me and makes me do things like this. This investment hasn't left us penniless by the way, it's an amount the business could afford to lose worse case. It's more about the issue that she can't trust me.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

asdfghjkl said:


> I know it sounds really stupid. Other than this I think (and I know she does too) that I'm a really good husband. It's just something clicks inside me and I have to make the decision to spend the money there and then. The most stupid example was when I spent $1500 on a guitar, knowing full well she would be hacked off. I just drove down to the music shop and bought it. Got home and cried..
> 
> I packaged up this investment in my mind as I am pretty confident it will make the money back and I genuinely think it will give us a better future.
> 
> ...


You are literally destroying every shread of trust that woman ever had in you. You do things to hurt her, know it will and do it anyways yet claim you love her? I don't understand whatsoever. Perhaps others will come along here and give you advice. I was trying to point out that your actions have made her not trust one thing you do and once that is gone, so is she. 
Any idea why you do this?


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## asdfghjkl (Jan 5, 2013)

Sorry Therealbrighteyes. I was responding to your reply by saying, yes my behaviour sounds stupid because it is. By the time I did another post had popped up in between.

I've done things to hurt her in the past with the buying 2 items. I made this investment with a view to giving us a better future together and, yes, I should have told her about it from the start.

No idea at all, that's my problem. I genuinely mean it when I say I love her so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I've even considered going to see a mental health professional about it. I used to gamble before I met her but haven't gambled at all since I've been with her, I don't know if that has anything to do with my spending when I shouldn't or not.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

asdfghjkl said:


> The most stupid example was when I spent $1500 on a guitar, knowing full well she would be hacked off. I just drove down to the music shop and bought it. Got home and cried..


Dude, it's a guitar. If you make good money, what the heck is the problem with buying a guitar. A GUY SHOULDN'T CRY OVER BUYING A GUITAR. No offense man, but she has you trained pretty well by having you believe what you've done is equivalent to cheating. Her control over you is strong.

You should stand up for yourself more.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

There seems to be something missing here.

A marriage doesn't get in jeopardy over 2 $1,500 purchases and a good investment. It simply doesn't. I can understand her getting upset, but the items can be taken back, so no blood no foul. 

Meh, there's much much more here.


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## asdfghjkl (Jan 5, 2013)

The guitar was taken back and refunded fully. The computer was purchased by the business but not discussed with her first. The investment is on track to return the initial amount in 6 months and should generate an exponential return after that. It's not fully paid back yet but we are only a month in and it's 20% paid back already. It's with an established company that's been set up for 2.5 years now and operates globally.

For health reasons I may not be able to carry on my business (I work in construction) for too much longer. I've not told her about this as I didn't want to worry her and my plan was to use this investment to be able to wind down the physical side of the business a bit sooner.

Up until me revealing it today we were getting on fantastic. Her issue is that she feels she cannot trust me at all because of these actions and that's why she is talking about going to stay with a friend tomorrow.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

asdfghjkl said:


> Sorry Therealbrighteyes. I was responding to your reply by saying, yes my behaviour sounds stupid because it is. By the time I did another post had popped up in between.
> 
> I've done things to hurt her in the past with the buying 2 items. I made this investment with a view to giving us a better future together and, yes, I should have told her about it from the start.
> 
> No idea at all, that's my problem. I genuinely mean it when I say I love her so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I've even considered going to see a mental health professional about it. I used to gamble before I met her but haven't gambled at all since I've been with her, I don't know if that has anything to do with my spending when I shouldn't or not.


Do you really think she doesn't want to make money? There are so many things you two could do together to learn about safer ways to invest and no, a computer isn't an investment.....it is a depreciating asset and will be worthless in 3 years. So are cars and guitars unless they are rare. If you have $3k to set aside, why not take an investment class with her and learn about mutual funds? A much broader based investment and depending on what sector you invest in, has a pretty limited risk. 
Again, what you are doing is destroying her trust in you. For those here who say "Who cares" well how would you feel if your spouse was taking large sums of your money out, giving you no say in the matter, risking it and then after seeing your anger and hurt, doing it again? 
I am not a risk taker with my money either but I sure understand that with many things, without some risk there is no reward. I DO however insist on knowing where my money is going and that I have a say in that and right now, you are giving her none of that. So why do you do this? :scratchhead:


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## asdfghjkl (Jan 5, 2013)

I wish I knew why. That's why I'm here really. I don't know why I do what I'm doing.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

asdfghjkl said:


> I wish I knew why. That's why I'm here really. I don't know why I do what I'm doing.


You touched on that you used to gamble. Any chance that this might be part of it?


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## asdfghjkl (Jan 5, 2013)

Quite possibly. Spending wise I have a few expensive hobbies that I spend money on rarely. I don't drink, smoke or fritter away money on junk food. I used to buy expensive stuff on interest free loans and pay it back with my money (we each have an individual spending money allowance each month) and she made me promise not to take out any more loans which I haven't done.

I never gambled large amounts of money. I used to play online poker. I was pretty good but I kept getting greedy and would eventually gamble all my winnings on stupid cards instead of quitting while I was ahead. I've stopped playing completely of my own choice now as I can't be disciplined enough and I scare myself when I gamble.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

asdfghjkl said:


> The guitar was taken back and refunded fully. The computer was purchased by the business but not discussed with her first. The investment is on track to return the initial amount in 6 months and should generate an exponential return after that. It's not fully paid back yet but we are only a month in and it's 20% paid back already. It's with an established company that's been set up for 2.5 years now and operates globally.
> 
> For health reasons I may not be able to carry on my business (I work in construction) for too much longer. I've not told her about this as I didn't want to worry her and my plan was to use this investment to be able to wind down the physical side of the business a bit sooner.
> 
> Up until me revealing it today we were getting on fantastic. Her issue is that she feels she cannot trust me at all because of these actions and that's why she is talking about going to stay with a friend tomorrow.


You haven't told her that you have health issues and might not be able to continue working?! Oh, Lord. Are you looking at your actions? Would YOU trust YOU? 
I'm really hoping somebody more helpful will come in here. You are lying to your wife every single day for reasons I do not know. Lying about your health is a huge one. Huge.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

If my husband ever spends so much money without talking to me first, I would start to lose trust on him, and wonder if someday he might spend all of our savings wihtout me approving. We don't have kids yet, but I can't imagine having no more savings, which is a save keeping in case something big happens and we need money for it.

On the other hand, we both have "pockt money", an amount that we can spend and do whatever we want each month. If he decides to save some of it each month and then spend it on somehting expensive, then it's up to him.

But no, if it's money that belongs to both, specially family savings, then it's serious issue.


But the OP should get his "addiction" checked. Gambling and needing to spend can become seriously damaging.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

How is your business organized?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Like others have said, it's the dishonesty and unilateral decision making with community money that is the issue.

But, it is also clear you'd like to have a little of your own financial autonomy, and as long as you are not keeping the financials hidden from her you should have every right. Negotiate an, agreement with her to each take a little of the discretionary income for a personal spending account that way if you have accumulated the money and you feel like splurging it won't mean eroding your marriage. Plus if you lose it on bad investments then it won't really be seen as a setback.

This of course assumes that you have the diligence and self control to manage it that way.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Did anybody else read that he has health issues, will lose his job and hasn't told his wife about either? None of this is about money. He lies and continues to lie and most of the advice here is "Dude, be a man and spend what you want".


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Did anyone else read how he he bought a guitar and cried because his wife got mad at him for it? Talk about a wife who's a bit overcontrolling. It goes both ways.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

My husband does this fairly often with smaller purchases, he will buy things without telling me when he knows we can't afford it. He knows it will cause an argument but he does it anyway for some reason. We're working on it... he's incredibly non-confrontational and needs to work on self control and he knows that. The needless lying is what gets to me, if he would just tell me then we could find a way to work it into the budget!

I think the worst part about your situation is not discussing your health problems with her and the fact that you will potentially be unable to work. I would have a difficult time getting over that one, especially if I found out at the last minute. You need to tell her as soon as possible.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Adex said:


> Did anyone else read how he he bought a guitar and cried because his wife got mad at him for it? Talk about a wife who's a bit overcontrolling. It goes both ways.


This is true... we don't know the whole story here.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I'm thinking you invested money because you were sure it was a good thing, but you didn't tell her because she'd stop you. 

Or, in other words, you believed she'd keep you from doing what you think is the right thing. 

THIS is not acceptable behavior - from either of you. 

First, being totally risk-averse is a terrible risk, because without risk, there is little to no reward. You two need to discuss money - not in terms of who is going to do what with it - but in terms of how you use it. 

Money is a tool, not a possession, though some feel it is. It must be used in order to gain value from it. The two of you need to make the home finances stable and transparent, and then you both need to agree on some amount YOU control and SHE controls, that is NOT subject to the other's overview. 

If my wife insisted that she have absolute veto power over every decision I make - that I have no ability to act without her approval, ever, I would consider it to be controlling and repressive. And vice versa. 

When you said you do dumb things with money, I thought you were going to say you bought a new Viper by emptying all your savings - without her consent. 

Yet, you worked for it and the urge to use the rewards for your efforts for something you want is not wrong, bad, or even something that should be totally repressed. 

She needs to let go a little bit, and you need to learn to be more open about what you're doing. 

Enroll yourselves in a Dave Ramsey "total money makeover", it'll teach you both to communicate, to set up an objectively sensible system, and it'll help solve her apparent obsession with controlling every penny, which may or may not be justified by whatever past we don't know about. 

Either way, this is not a money problem, this is symptoms of a relationship problem... between a husband and wife and between each of you and money. Start solving it now, don't wait another day.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You keep lying by omission. They are still lies. How do you think she is going to feel when she finds out about your health issue?? She is going to freak because something is wrong and be royally hacked because you hid it! I know, because I was married to an "omissioner"! He hid things to avoid conflict, instead of trusting me with the truth. And, many of the things he hid from me were things that I would NOT have been mad about, but because he wasnt telling me from the get-go, THEN I got mad! Kinda shooting yourself in the foot!


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