# Husband going to bars suddenly



## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Ok, a little backstory here- Married for 14 years, together for almost 18. We are in our 30s. We have 5 kids together! So i have been a stay at home mom since our oldest was born. Husband has always been a hard worker etc. He enrolled in the police academy and has said he's stressed and mentally just numb to everything basically. He said he knows its the stress of working all day and going to academy until 1030 at night on weekdays and then on saturdays til early evening. Well, about a month and a half he has started to go out with his classmates to the bar. First it was one time for a few hours. Now he is going out every weekend and even during the week on some days. He is staying out til 3 am or later on some weekends. He basically has said there is nothing wrong with this and im being way overdramatic and taking this so hard and he doesnt know why! I have told him repeatedly that i dont think its right that he is married w 5 kids and is going out every weekend and staying out til damn 3 am! He said he needs this time to blow off steam and i just need to be patient with him and "we will have our time back with eachother". I have told him that he doesnt care that i have told him how i feel and how the kids feel either! The older kids realize he is hardly here basically and they are upset too. I have literally poured my heart out to him about my feelings and he said i basically need to accept this change until this phase is over or he will leave. There is no infidelity involved. He just says he is numb and mentally this is where he is at. We literally went from a family that were always around eachother and he never wanted to go out or even had any friends! I am just brokenhearted. I get that school and working is stressful for him. I have supported him. I pack his lunch for school, i iron his clothes, i type his notes. I do everything that i can to help him with what I can. And to just feel like we have been tossed to the side cuz he wants to go out all the time is just devastating! When he is home, he is just zoned out on his phone playing games or talking to the guys from class.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I'm sorry you're here. Your husband is behaving as if he is single, and pressure/stress from work and school are no excuse to hang out regularly in bars until 3 am. There are plenty of ways and places for married men to destress: the gym, for example. Practicing sports in the park with his kids, walking with you. Also, how do you know that he is not cheating on you? Have you verified the phone bill? His social media accounts? Even if he is not cheating now, he will find someone to cheat with down the road if he keeps hanging out so often in bars. How can you manage 5 kids without him AND take care of him the way you do (all the work you mentioned that you do for him)? why is it him threatening to leave and not YOU threatening to leave him? This is no way to live, even temporarily. I assume your kids are still young and it is not easy to take care of them all by yourself. Do you get any help? why doesn't he help at least on weekends?

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about this situation. Either he stops going to bars and finds a healthy way to relieve the stress or he stops the police academy if it is going to end your marriage. That is, if he is not meeting someone in these bars already. Find out if he is texting/calling/meeting another woman, and then depending on what you find you can approach this with him. Good luck!


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Thank you. Yes I've checked records etc. No cheating. We have fought and fought about this. I have told him repeatedly how I feel. He just says he doesn't know why he is here mentally and this is helping him and I should be patient with him. Yes the kids are younger. Oldest is only 13. Its not the help. Its the him being gone til late hours. I feel its a slap in the face. He went out on Monday and hes out now again and is going out this Saturday as well. He just says he's doing something for him and its not just a big deal and the academy is over in a month and why can't I be patient for a month. Meanwhile I feel like an idiot being home and trying to not throw a fit as he says.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Maybe he should stay home with the kids and you should go to a bar.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

your husband is opting out of the marriage , 
why he gas to find out , something tells me it will be too late when he does ,


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How's your sex life?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

On some level he is probably trying to fit in & bond with his new, younger, single classmates. 

I don't know where you will find the time with 5 kids but I suggest you go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people in love with alcoholics. Your husband may not be one yet, but the stress of being a cop leads many people into the bottle. You are at the very beginning of a long slide downwards.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

thepumpkinking said:


> I have supported him. I pack his lunch for school, i iron his clothes, i type his notes. I do everything that i can to help him with what I can.


Stop this. He obviously has time to do these things for himself. You're not his mommy. He isn't acting like a husband so there is no need for you to ensure he is comfortable and taken care of. You have kids who do need your attention.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> How's your sex life?


Right now its not like it usually is. Hes just zoned out when here. Even to the kids. It never was like that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


thepumpkinking said:



There is no infidelity involved.

Click to expand...

*I'm sure you're right. 😏😏😏

He's been WITH you since he was a teenager. He committed far too young, married far too young, has 5 kids, has never even known what it's *like* to live his life as a young adult, has never had the opportunity to date or play the field or do anything a young man should DO when he's a young man.

Not surprisingly, he's in his 30s now and ready to blow his head off.

Gosh, who would have seen *this* coming?

The same stuff applies to you as well OP - you married far too young, had a ton of kids too quick, and never got to be a free, single young adult and get to experience what life is all about. The only difference is, you're not ready to blow your brains out.

But you're being naive as hell if you think this guy has been as pure as the driven snow since you started going steady in high school 18 years ago. Come on, now.

You can keep being naive or you can pull your head out of the sand - your choice.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

thepumpkinking said:


> _*Right now its not like it usually is. Hes just zoned out when here. Even to the kids. It never was like that.*_



Stop being naive, OP.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> On some level he is probably trying to fit in & bond with his new, younger, single classmates.
> 
> I don't know where you will find the time with 5 kids but I suggest you go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people in love with alcoholics. Your husband may not be one yet, but the stress of being a cop leads many people into the bottle. You are at the very beginning of a long slide downwards.


That is what scares me. Because I told him hes behaving like the stigma for a cop already and he gets pissy and says he's not an alcoholic and him going out a few times a week isn't a big deal.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Stop this. He obviously has time to do these things for himself. You're not his mommy. He isn't acting like a husband so there is no need for you to ensure he is comfortable and taken care of. You have kids who do need your attention.


When I brought that up and said im going to stop, he got pissy and said what kind of **** is that and then said well ill stop doing the little things to like bringing money home every week. We have been fighting every time I bring up him going out and he says he's sick of fighting and I'm the asshole being selfish because this is helping him mentally right now lol


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm in my mid-30's, I have been with my wife for 18 years and married 14 of those, we have 5 kids (well, I will in about 4 weeks), and the oldest is 12... If I went out to a bar until 3AM just _once_, I'd probably come home to a dirty look. If I was doing that regularly? I might as well not go home.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm sure you're right. 😏😏😏
> 
> He's been WITH you since he was a teenager. He committed far too young, married far too young, has 5 kids, has never even known what it's *like* to live his life as a young adult, has never had the opportunity to date or play the field or do anything a young man should DO when he's a young man.
> 
> ...


Actually he did all that. He never had parents who gave a ****. So he was a crazy kid from like 12 to 21. He was doing every drug and running the roads as a kid. We got together young yes, but he was still being crazy and I wasn't about that life. So he quit doing drugs and calmed down. Everything between us has been fine. We were literally best friends and both are family oriented with always being home and being around the kids. He is the type who hasn't had a drink in 10 years, not even a beer at a restaurant. And now suddenly its like he's a different person with being gone and going to bars drinking. All he says is he's broken mentally and physically from work and the academy and this is helping him blow off the steam. But what I cant make him understand is how hurtful this is that he's basically non-existent here and its a 180 change to me and the kids.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> I'm in my mid-30's, I have been with my wife for 18 years and married 14 of those, we have 5 kids (well, I will in about 4 weeks), and the oldest is 12... If I went out to a bar until 3AM just _once_, I'd probably come home to a dirty look. If I was doing that regularly? I might as well not go home.


Thats even what he says, that ge doesn't want to come home to hear my mouth! And I'm constantly being the ass because he has friends now and I am taking this way too hard and being overdramatic for no reason!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

thepumpkinking said:


> All he says is he's broken mentally and physically from work and the academy and this is helping him blow off the steam.


Your husband needs to find a therapist. The answer isn't at the bottom of a bottle. If he's an addict (whether he's been clean and sober for years or not), he shouldn't have ever had another drink. He cannot see that his behavior is unhealthy because he doesn't _want_ to see it. IMO.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

thepumpkinking said:


> Thats even what he says, that ge doesn't want to come home to hear my mouth! And I'm constantly being the ass because he has friends now and I am taking this way too hard and being overdramatic for no reason!


You're not being overdramatic. There is nothing wrong with having friends and going out, but there has to be a healthy balance. I go out with friends and sometimes I do stay out until 2-3AM but I'm at a friend's house, not a bar, and usually I'm not drinking at all. It's also few and far between and I make it up to my wife by helping out more so she can have a break. I'm supposed to be going away with some friends for 5 days, she has known about that for months, and I may not go because of some other stuff but if I do it's fine. 

What your husband is doing isn't healthy for himself OR the marriage, and it's not fair to you at all.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I did that when our sex life hit rock bottom. Just went out every night. I think my wife was happy...


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> Your husband needs to find a therapist. The answer isn't at the bottom of a bottle. If he's an addict (whether he's been clean and sober for years or not), he shouldn't have ever had another drink. He cannot see that his behavior is unhealthy because he doesn't _want_ to see it. IMO.


I tried to tell him that as well. The closest he gets to admitting a problem is saying he knows this isn't ideal and hes not doing it to hurt me and he loves me and the kids and wants us here when he graduates in a month and to just be patient with him. Basically how I see it is, let me go out and not hear your mouth and when I graduate in a month everything will go back to normal! He also would never go to therapy. Hes never been a dr person ever so it'll never happen. I said you can't just be numb and go out and drink and use it as a bandaid while everything implodes around you!


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

thepumpkinking said:


> Right now its not like it usually is. Hes just zoned out when here. Even to the kids. It never was like that.


Ask your huband how his sex life is. Sorry, but if he hasn't already cheated, he soon will. That's the only reason a married man starts hitting the bar scene. Put your foot down hard and now. As long as you allow yourself to be a doormat, he will continue walking all over you.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I did that when our sex life hit rock bottom. Just went out every night. I think my wife was happy...


Our sex life has been great. But when he's hardly here cuz of schedule ( work is til 3 and he leaves for academy at 450 and school gets out at 1030 pm) and then hes going out multiple times a week, im not going to be eager to do anything lol. When he comes home he cuddles me and we did have sex first time in a few weeks the other day.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

thepumpkinking said:


> I tried to tell him that as well. The closest he gets to admitting a problem is saying he knows this isn't ideal and hes not doing it to hurt me and he loves me and the kids and wants us here when he graduates in a month and to just be patient with him. Basically how I see it is, let me go out and not hear your mouth and when I graduate in a month everything will go back to normal! He also would never go to therapy. Hes never been a dr person ever so it'll never happen. I said you can't just be numb and go out and drink and use it as a bandaid while everything implodes around you!


Aren't cops mandated, ethically and legally, to maintain good mental health? He won't be much use if he ends up unfit for duty. And don't cops have mandatory counseling after certain events? A friend of mine is a cop and I know he's had to do that. So what, your husband is just going to refuse or sit there and twiddle his thumbs in hopes that it's enough to be cleared for duty? I understand that there is a thing with cops and not wanting to talk about it, but how far is he willing to take it? Two people will give up everything like that, addicts and someone who really doesn't care about his family. 

He has very poor coping skills and it will NOT get better in a month when he's out of the academy and working. His addiction will not just go away, he is going to continue having long hours, irregular hours, shift work, A LOT of stress, trauma, etc. How does he plan on handling all of that? 

You need to decide what your boundaries are, and you need to make that line clear to him. You have been a SAHM for 13 years and have 5 kids... he might as well find a nice box to live in if you divorce.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> Aren't cops mandated, ethically and legally, to maintain good mental health? He won't be much use if he ends up unfit for duty. And don't cops have mandatory counseling after certain events? A friend of mine is a cop and I know he's had to do that. So what, your husband is just going to refuse or sit there and twiddle his thumbs in hopes that it's enough to be cleared for duty? I understand that there is a thing with cops and not wanting to talk about it, but how far is he willing to take it? Two people will give up everything like that, addicts and someone who really doesn't care about his family.
> 
> He has very poor coping skills and it will NOT get better in a month when he's out of the academy and working. His addiction will not just go away, he is going to continue having long hours, irregular hours, shift work, A LOT of stress, trauma, etc. How does he plan on handling all of that?
> 
> You need to decide what your boundaries are, and you need to make that line clear to him. You have been a SAHM for 13 years and have 5 kids... he might as well find a nice box to live in if you divorce.


Thank you. I have tried to say boundaries with things like, I dont care you go out but not multiple times a week and coming home so late. He gets pissy and says he's an adult and doesn't need stipulations. Honestly I'm so torn because I told myself ill wait a month and hope that he stops going out. But if it doesn't stop then that's it. I cant live like this everyday being broken hearted and upset when I'm jumping awake at 2 am and hes not here. But the other side is saying to not give up cuz we've been together so long and have been fine and happy and obviously something wrong is going on in his damn brain for him to just not give a crap about all of us! And he will even tell me just please be patient and this phase will pass and I want to be with you til I die and blah blah. But when he's home I act like normal but a piece inside feels stupid for doing so! I dont want to separate or whatever. But when he gets mad he says he will get an apartment and pay the bills and me and the kids will stay here because he doesn't want to fight about him doing something for him after he's given us everything lol.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

thepumpkinking said:


> Our sex life has been great. But when he's hardly here cuz of schedule ( work is til 3 and he leaves for academy at 450 and school gets out at 1030 pm) and then hes going out multiple times a week, im not going to be eager to do anything lol. When he comes home he cuddles me and we did have sex first time in a few weeks the other day.


Ok, but this tells me he must have some kind of ulterior motive for going out so often... blow some steam off almost every night until 3 am? I just don't believe that. Also, you didn't have sex for weeks. Something's not right here.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

thepumpkinking said:


> Thank you. I have tried to say boundaries with things like, I dont care you go out but not multiple times a week and coming home so late. He gets pissy and says he's an adult and doesn't need stipulations. Honestly I'm so torn because I told myself ill wait a month and hope that he stops going out. But if it doesn't stop then that's it. I cant live like this everyday being broken hearted and upset when I'm jumping awake at 2 am and hes not here. But the other side is saying to not give up cuz we've been together so long and have been fine and happy and obviously something wrong is going on in his damn brain for him to just not give a crap about all of us! And he will even tell me just please be patient and this phase will pass and I want to be with you til I die and blah blah. But when he's home I act like normal but a piece inside feels stupid for doing so! I dont want to separate or whatever. But when he gets mad he says he will get an apartment and pay the bills and me and the kids will stay here because he doesn't want to fight about him doing something for him after he's given us everything lol.


Don't make excuses for him. He is choosing to act like this and he is choosing to not do a damn thing about it. Yes, he's an addict and maybe he has some depression that he's trying to self-medicate, but he is still choosing those actions instead of healthy ones. This isn't a phase. This is him refusing to have healthy coping skills and there is no reason to believe that will change. 

Honestly, given how he is already acting I don't see this marriage lasting unless you just accept that this is the way things will always be. The career he's going into is known for destroying lives and marriages. I do know some cops who _appear_ to have great relationships but he's not off to a good start. 

If you want to set a boundary for next month, then do that but don't blindside him with it. Tell him what your boundary is, in no uncertain terms, then stick to it.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Its like 3 nights a week. He goes out fri and sat but the last 2 weeks its a weekday too. This week he went out Monday after school and then last night and is going out again Saturday. Ive asked him if hes messing around or anything. He says no. I do believe him on that. He says he realized its fun to go out with the guys who get what he's going thru with working and school and they all have this bond. And he never went out or did anything with friends for 15 years and now its all being overdone to make up for lost time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And all of that is likely to continue after graduation because … why not.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

mike93081 said:


> It sounds to me like he is bonding with his classmates. But he needs to realize he has responsibilities at home.
> 
> Just a word of caution. Being a police officer is a very tough job physically and mentally. With a family, I would talk to him about another career choice. I don't know what city you are in or what the crime rate is like. But my friend became a cop and it destroyed his marriage. Dealing with domestic violence, addicts, drunk people, physical assault, suicide, deadly car accidents, etc takes a huge physical and mental toll on a person. He started drinking more, and less engaging. His whole personality changed. They started fighting and she would sit up nights according to him and worry. It lead to divorce within 2 years. The low pay is just not worth the sacrifice and mental/physical effects. He is still a cop after 12 years, but I rarely talk to him as he is a completely different person.


Thats exactly what I told him as well. He even knows it. He knows the statistics and when I told him hes acting like one already before hes even a fkn cop, he said I was making him out to be a piece of ****. I worry the hell out of when hes an actual cop. But he keeps saying its cuz hes burnt out mentally with working 40 hours a week and going to school all night and he knows its the academy and when hes out of school he wont be as stressed cuz he will just be working like he was before.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

thepumpkinking said:


> Its like 3 nights a week. He goes out fri and sat but the last 2 weeks its a weekday too. This week he went out Monday after school and then last night and is going out again Saturday. Ive asked him if hes messing around or anything. He says no. I do believe him on that. He says he realized its fun to go out with the guys who get what he's going thru with working and school and they all have this bond. And he never went out or did anything with friends for 15 years and now its all being overdone to make up for lost time.


And this may pass.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Openminded said:


> And all of that is likely to continue after graduation because … why not.


That is what my mother in law said. She said she doesn't see a light switch coming back on when he graduates. Because then they won't have the academy all evening, they will have more time to go out earlier.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> And this may pass.


He repeatedly has told me this is a phase and it will pass but this is where hes at mentally and be patient. He knows how much I'm hurting and all he can say is its not to hurt me and I'm taking it way too hard and its not what I'm thinking!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s kidding himself if he doesn’t think that dealing with all of what’s out there once he’s a cop isn’t going to seriously stress him. Then he’ll use that as a “reason” to be in a bar several times a week.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> Don't make excuses for him. He is choosing to act like this and he is choosing to not do a damn thing about it. Yes, he's an addict and maybe he has some depression that he's trying to self-medicate, but he is still choosing those actions instead of healthy ones. This isn't a phase. This is him refusing to have healthy coping skills and there is no reason to believe that will change.
> 
> Honestly, given how he is already acting I don't see this marriage lasting unless you just accept that this is the way things will always be. The career he's going into is known for destroying lives and marriages. I do know some cops who _appear_ to have great relationships but he's not off to a good start.
> 
> If you want to set a boundary for next month, then do that but don't blindside him with it. Tell him what your boundary is, in no uncertain terms, then stick to it.


Thank you. I will tell him again. He is the one who keeps bringing up why can't I just give him a few months when he's given me all his time 18 years. Then says its not an excuse and he doesn't regret it one bit but hes doing this for himself right now and I need to be patient because he knows his head will come back.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And … cop bars are full of badge bunnies. It’s a tough lifestyle, and very bonding for those in it, so it’s easy to find a “reason” to hang out in cop bars.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

thepumpkinking said:


> He knows how much I'm hurting


Very disrespectful of your husband. Sorry, but he's being very selfish there. He has a wife and a family and he is behaving like he is 21...


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Getting into being a policeman nowadays is definitely not an easy thing. 
It is a whole family impacting job. Strength to you.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Getting into being a policeman nowadays is definitely not an easy thing.
> It is a whole family impacting job. Strength to you.


Thank you


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why is he so late getting into this? Usually, that’s young guys.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Very disrespectful of your husband. Sorry, but he's being very selfish there. He has a wife and a family and he is behaving like he is 21...


Exactly what I told him. But I'm selfish because he's doing something for him and it doesn't benefit me in any way and I dont want him to leave and have friends.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

thepumpkinking said:


> Thank you. I will tell him again. He is the one who keeps bringing up why can't I just give him a few months when he's given me all his time 18 years. Then says its not an excuse and he doesn't regret it one bit but hes doing this for himself right now and I need to be patient because he knows his head will come back.


This is the most selfish thing I have ever heard. Here you are taking care of everyone and he "needs" time for himself to blow off steam. I am sorry, but do you get time to go out? Do you get to go do things with your friends? He helped create the children that you both share and he is checking out 3-4 times a week. You DO have a right to be angry as he is making you a single parent almost half of the week. What did he mean"given you all his time 18 years?" like it just ends and you have to pick up the slack because he is tired of being a responsible adult? I personally would write out a list of reasonable things that he has to do and sit down and talk to him without anger and tell him how you feel.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> This is the most selfish thing I have ever heard. Here you are taking care of everyone and he "needs" time for himself to blow off steam. I am sorry, but do you get time to go out? Do you get to go do things with your friends? He helped create the children that you both share and he is checking out 3-4 times a week. You DO have a right to be angry as he is making you a single parent almost half of the week. What did he mean"given you all his time 18 years?" like it just ends and you have to pick up the slack because he is tired of being a responsible adult? I personally would write out a list of reasonable things that he has to do and sit down and talk to him without anger and tell him how you feel.


I honestly don't really have any friends. I always have been a homebody with the kids. And he has to thats why everything is ridiculous to me. I told him everything you said. I have sat with him 3 times calm and crying and pouring my heart out to him. And all he can say is I'm taking it too hard and he knows its not ideal. No compromise at all like I mentioned either. He said hes an adult and doesn't need stipulations and who am I to be the one that sets whats right and wrong with how many times hes going out and how long. I have a cousin who im going out to eat with Saturday evening. And hes already asked when I'll be back cuz he was planning on leaving at 7 to go out! I told him I dont know when ill be back. So I'm sure it will be a fight cuz he will be waiting to leave cuz he made plans.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Do you guys go out together?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s acting like an early 20’s singles guy. He may be telling you it won’t last but there’s no reason to think it won’t now that he’s “found” himself.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> Do you guys go out together?


Yeah we would go out to eat by ourselves every few months.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Openminded said:


> He’s acting like an early 20’s singles guy. He may be telling you it won’t last but there’s no reason to think it won’t now that he’s “found” himself.


He sees nothing wrong. He says he's being responsible and not driving drunk and still going to work everyday and thats why he doesn't see it a big deal that he's gone a few nights a week and hes only not here to watch us sleep lol


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

First he is prioritizing his needs over the need of your family. Yes he is making the money, but you are doing all the work at the home and that has value too. Do not let him minimize that. It is your job to make sure all is running smoothly and there are MANY moving parts. Him not being there is just adding on to you doing more.

Second, you both should be spending time together.. not him and his buddies. Can you get a babysitter and go with him? You may not really want to, but it will answer some questions about who is actually there. You do not even have to drink.. just be there. Also his reaction to you asking to go will answer a lot.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, expect that to continue because life’s going to really get tough once he’s out there in the real world. He’ll have plenty of “reasons” to drink then.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If you have a bar culture in the office it’s hard to get out of it. I would guess it would be harder as a cop because you rely on those guys and don’t want to seem to go against the grain with people who you count on with your life. Maybe there are some LEOs or retired LEOs who can chime in?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

thepumpkinking said:


> Thats even what he says, that ge doesn't want to come home to hear my mouth! And I'm constantly being the ass because he has friends now and I am taking this way too hard and being overdramatic for no reason!


You are not being overly dramatic. He is working toward abandoning you. It's time to get your ducks in order.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

thepumpkinking said:


> Thank you. I will tell him again. He is the one who keeps bringing up why can't I just give him a few months when he's given me all his time 18 years. Then says its not an excuse and he doesn't regret it one bit but hes doing this for himself right now and I need to be patient because he knows his head will come back.


If he's committed in the challenge to be a policeman, to the classes and physical training this is only the beginning of a new future. It doesn't mean it's a bad or unpromising future just different. The career also takes dedication to other police families.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have one more month (supposedly) of this selfish behavior. Have one more discussion wherein you calmly tell him that you won't bring up his absence as long as he'll be good with you going out 3 nights a week when that month is over. Let him wrangle 5 kids with dinner and bed all by his lonesome. Let him wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if you're shtooping some barfly. Let him wonder how much of the family budget is being blown on bar tabs. BTW, how much is he spending at the bar?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

@Blondilocks EXACTLY!


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

@thepumpkinking when you go to have dinner on Saturday please stay out to 2 AM. Tell him you have no idea when you will be back. He will just have to adjust accordingly as you need some adult time to blow off some steam. 

I still think you should invite yourself to one of his bar events and see how he reacts.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> @thepumpkinking when you go to have dinner on Saturday please stay out to 2 AM. Tell him you have no idea when you will be back. He will just have to adjust accordingly as you need some adult time to blow off some steam.
> 
> I still think you should invite yourself to one of his bar events and see how he reacts.


I honestly thought about it. I dont want to stay out that late because that isn't me and I dont want the kids worrying. Since I'm with them 24/7, they wouldn't understand why I'm gone so long. And the last thing I want is them thinking oh now momma is doing this too. Because the 2 older ones already notice. One is 13 and the other is 9. They are pissed and said why does he keep going out and we barely see him. That also breaks my heart. I never thought any of this would happen. When I do go out Saturday, I'm not going to rush home to be home so he can leave at 7 like he wanted. I know it will start a fight and he will be texting me saying I'm doing it to be petty or whatever. But I'm not rushing home. My mom told me to text him that I've had too much to drink and I dont know when I'm coming home lol. He has literally been sleeping in his truck or at his buddies house for a few hours cuz he had too many and doesn't want to drive home drunk! When I bring it up saying and you don't see that as a problem?! He says no, I'm being responsible by not drunk driving and I'm never coming home drunk and I'm still going to work everyday!


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You have one more month (supposedly) of this selfish behavior. Have one more discussion wherein you calmly tell him that you won't bring up his absence as long as he'll be good with you going out 3 nights a week when that month is over. Let him wrangle 5 kids with dinner and bed all by his lonesome. Let him wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if you're shtooping some barfly. Let him wonder how much of the family budget is being blown on bar tabs. BTW, how much is he spending at the bar?
> 
> What's good for the goose is good for the gander.


I dont know what hes spending. We use cash everywhere and keep money in bank for bill pay. But hes eating and then buying beer and its 3 times a week he is going out. But according to him, he's still going to work everyday and there is no problem! And he's not coming drunk or doing anything wrong so its no big deal that he's not here to see us sleep lol. Its unreal. Ive talked and talked to him telling him hes breaking my heart and everything else. He doesn't see any wrong in whats happening.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> You are not being overly dramatic. He is working toward abandoning you. It's time to get your ducks in order.


I have no idea what I'd do. Ive been a stay at home mom for 13 years. I have no friends. I feel like I'd be lonely forever and my kids would be devastated if we split because we have all been so damn close and then the last 2 months its a totally different person. When hes acting like an ass when I'm *****ing to him about what he's doing, he says he will get an apartment and we will stay in the house and he will still pay the bills every week. And basically I need to adjust to this small change and be patient with him or he can leave and not have to fight with me! He said im pushing him away with fighting with him about it.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

thepumpkinking said:


> Actually he did all that. He never had parents who gave a ****. So he was a crazy kid from like 12 to 21. He was doing every drug and running the roads as a kid. We got together young yes, but he was still being crazy and I wasn't about that life. So he quit doing drugs and calmed down. Everything between us has been fine. We were literally best friends and both are family oriented with always being home and being around the kids. He is the type who hasn't had a drink in 10 years, not even a beer at a restaurant. And now suddenly its like he's a different person with being gone and going to bars drinking. All he says is he's broken mentally and physically from work and the academy and this is helping him blow off the steam. But what I cant make him understand is how hurtful this is that he's basically non-existent here and its a 180 change to me and the kids.


Just curious - how much longer is his stint at the academy? Is it possible that this will return to normal once he's finished with the academy? Does he say anything about that?


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Just curious - how much longer is his stint at the academy? Is it possible that this will return to normal once he's finished with the academy? Does he say anything about that?


A month he graduates. He has said repeatedly that I need to be patient with him and the academy ends in a month and I should give him that time.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

thepumpkinking said:


> A month he graduates. He has said repeatedly that I need to be patient with him and the academy ends in a month and I should give him that time.


Well, I think you're right to be upset, no matter how he rationalizes things. If I were you, I'd try to have a conversation with him when you're not mentioning him staying out late, but rather focusing on how he SHOULD be able to turn the corner on this once he's not as stressed with the academy. Take any advice (especially mine) with a grain of salt, as you're the one living through this so take any advice that seems right to you and disregard any advice that isn't comfortable for you. Good luck.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Stop doing things for him. If he asks why, say that you are an adult and you don't need stipulations.

I honestly think something else is going on and I'd be veryifying his whereabouts.


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## thepumpkinking (Aug 19, 2021)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Well, I think you're right to be upset, no matter how he rationalizes things. If I were you, I'd try to have a conversation with him when you're not mentioning him staying out late, but rather focusing on how he SHOULD be able to turn the corner on this once he's not as stressed with the academy. Take any advice (especially mine) with a grain of salt, as you're the one living through this so take any advice that seems right to you and disregard any advice that isn't comfortable for you. Good luck.


Thank you. I tried that today. And he got mad saying I'm trying to make him out to be an alcoholic. And he isn't doing anything wrong. Then he got mad and said fine, just write down what im allowed to do and how late im allowed out and ill do it because I'm not fighting every day about this. He thinks I'm being ridiculous


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You do realize your husband is disrespecting you in a major way, right? He's defensive and he's turning it around on you. And what he's doing is taking everything you say and bending it around to make you out to be the bad guy.

To begin with, STOP with the talking. It is getting you absolutely nowhere. You are not being heard. You are not being respected. It boils down to this: He wants to sit in a bar until all hours. He wants to ignore his family. And he DOESN'T CARE that he's doing that. 

Can you actually hear what he's saying when he tells you that you're "ridiculous"? He's saying you don't count. Your opinion is squat.

One question I have for you: Do you know exactly who he's bar-hopping with? Any women in that group? How about other trainees? Any women? 

Oh, yeah, one more thing - I married two alcoholics. People whose lives don't center around booze aren't hanging out at bars until all hours of the morning.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Stop this. He obviously has time to do these things for himself. You're not his mommy. He isn't acting like a husband so there is no need for you to ensure he is comfortable and taken care of. You have kids who do need your attention.


I agree, stop enabling his immature and irresponsible behavior. Let him go hungry. Let him flunk a few assignments. Let him look like a slob and get reamed out by the academy cadre. Let him experience the results of his irresponsibility. 

He's not acting like a husband and father so stop acting like his mother. I'm surprised he hasn't already washed out of the academy. Don't protect him from his own behavior. 

cont....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

cont.... Now I know you are going to counter my post above with, ".... well yeah but we need him to get through this because we need the money...." or something along those lines. 

Well the cold, harsh truth is he is going to leave you or you are going to leave him anyway before too long. 

The writing is on the wall... he is already checking out of the marriage and out of the family. 

You probably just haven't looked deep enough but he is probably hooking up with some other chick(s) and he has simply covered his tracks well up to this point. 

He's going to flame out and screw up before too long. 

Stop enabling him and let experience the repercussions of his actions.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

I'm just going to say it: NO ONE has a complete personality change over a couple of months time unless they have a brain tumor, or they've met someone else...

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

nypsychnurse said:


> I'm just going to say it: NO ONE has a complete personality change over a couple of months time unless they have a brain tumor, or they've met someone else...
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Sorry, OP, but yeah, ^^^THIS^^^ comment above is spot on! And for the record, I don't believe it's a brain tumor. It's someone else. You need to get into stealth mode and do some investigating. VAR and a tracking device in his car. If you can manage it, have someone at the ready to watch your kids and go to that bar he hangs out at on party nights and discreetly watch from a distance. Or, if you cannot go, get a trusted friend/family member to go for you. It's the only way you're gonna get the truth, unless, or until, he eventually screws up and accidentally outs himself. 

Sadly for you, I have a feeling your illusions of "he's not cheating" or "there's no one else" will be blown to absolute smithereens if/when you do these things. All the signs are there. You just don't want to see them. You need to stop asking him questions (OF COURSE he WILL LIE to you and NEVER admit to anything without proof) and start finding out the truth on your own. Buckle up! Keep your eyes wide open, your mouth closed, and put on your detective hat! I think your in for a very bumpy ride, unfortunately..


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

nypsychnurse said:


> I'm just going to say it: NO ONE has a complete personality change over a couple of months time unless they have a brain tumor, or they've met someone else...
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Definitely needs to be ruled out. It would explain everything, because... sleeping in your truck? doesn't make sense, at all...


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