# Am I crazy or do I have a valid point?



## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Am I crazy or do I have a valid point?

I have been having an on-going debate with my husband for about a year now. It began in August 2013 when my husband started missing work. August and September, it was just one day per week, then in October 2 days per week and December 3 days per week. His boss did speak to him about his chronic absenteeism but did not fire. Finally in April of this year, they hired someone to “help” him out to ensure that someone was always in the meat shop. (He works in a grocery store.) The absenteeism has continued and about a month ago, his work cut his hours to 18-24 per week.

Now, the reason for my husband’s absenteeism is his back, he complains it is sore and he cannot work full-time....it is just too sore. Due to him not working as much as he can, I have taken over all the finances and he “chips” in. This has been our arrangement for the past three years. I’m not happy with this arrangement because I feel it is doesn’t give my husband any responsibility in the household and I think he feels he doesn’t need to work because with my income we live comfortably. However, I do worry what would happen if I had taken off work due to injury/sickness or if we ever had a child. Would I be able to take time off or would I have to worry about finances and force myself to return to work early? I live in Canada where women get one year off for maternity leave.

Back to the question, am I crazy? Since my husband has lots of time off due to his work schedule, he has a lot of free time. During his free time, he participates in sports. Today he told me after work he is going mountain biking and making jumps that he can fool around on. He also wants to buy a dirt bike to do much of the same thing. I find this aggravating because he can participate in his extreme sports but can’t work full time. He responds that he can only do these extreme sports for short periods of time and quits when his back gets too sore. I feel that he should not even be participating in these sports until his back is completely healed and he can work full time and contribute more to the household. He thinks I am absurd and I just don’t understand.

I feel my husband is taking advantage of me and has high expectations. For example, it is my job to work and then come home and cook dinner because his back is just too sore after work to do this. I have tried talking about this numerous time with my husband and he just tells me when his back is better he will start working more and to stop pestering him about what he chooses to do in his free time because it’s his life. He also doesn’t think his back will ever get better so this is going to be a lifelong issue.

I’m at the point now where I’m thinking of leaving him. Since he feels like his back won’t get better, I feel like I’m just going to have to deal with his lack of work ethic for life and I don’t want to anymore. I feel used up like I’m not important or anything I have to say is unimportant. I want to avoid divorce as I believe marriage is for life so how do I get my husband to understand that I can’t deal with this situation anymore and he needs to be more accountable. I feel like talking does nothing. Are there any other options I could try?


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

P.S. I have tried things like designated bills to my husband. They have gone unpaid. The same goes with chores. He only does them when he gets around to them or often times I'll cave and do it.

These are some of the ways that I have tried to increase responsibility in the household.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

You are not crazy. 

If anything, you are gullible. I don't believe your H at all: if his back is so hurt that he has to call off work, then he would not be doing extreme sports. Back pain is horrible- no one would willing jolt a bad back, even for short periods of time. 

If your H thinks that the back is going to be a life-long issue, is he seeing doctors? Doing back-strengthening exercises? 

Most importantly- is he thinking about alternative careers so he can bring in an income in a non-manual job?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he use the money that he does earn to help you pay bills? Or does he just keep that to himself?

If he can do any kind of sports he can work, even more so with extreme sports.

Has he sought help from doctors for this back pain of his? If so how serious is he about getting help?


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

No your not crazy. There is no way he should be jumping on a mountain bike if he has so much back pain he can not work full time. 

How old is he any way? how long have you been married? it sounds like he needs to grow up and become a man!

Also it is no longer his life where can do whatever we wants. He made that decision when he asked you to marry him. It is now your lives together to make joint decision. 

If he insists it his time to do as he wishes then it is your money to do as you wish, then cut him off financially and see how he likes it. Stop coming home from work to do the cooking, go out to dinner with some friends let him figure out what to eat on his own. Only buy enough of the food you like, cook what you like etc. Then see if his attitude changes.

Are you really prepared for a life long battle over this? Oh and do not get pregnant while this is going on because he will not be helping you with any kids or any other responsibility.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you two? What's he doing to get treatments for his back, and what's wrong with him? What about him getting retrained for something he CAN do, instead of riding around on his bike?

Personally, I think you're being taken for a ride. And unless you stop it now, eventually your back will wear out from carrying his deadweight. Do NOT have kids with him!

Oh, and in Canada, we have maternal and parental leave. Parental is 35 weeks, so almost 9 months worth. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

We have gone to quite a few doctors in regards to his back pain for the past 5 years and they have been unable to diagnose him with anything. He has been x-rayed numerous time and tested for things like arthritis and doctors say everything appears normal. He has been given exercises to do on a regular basis to improve his muscular strength in his back but often forgets to do them and I forget as well. The doctors do think the pain could be attributed to his weight and it has been suggested he lose some. He hasn't yet but he is doing a weight loss challenge this summer so here's hoping.

We are currently 31 (me) and 30 (h), married for almost 3 years, together for 8.5.

He does contribute financially at times but I always have to ask and often he is very reluctant. For example, we went to Cuba in March and in January I broke down the costs and how much we should each contribute. We agreed since I pay the household bills and groceries every month that he'd at least pay 2/5 for the trip. He did give me some money but it was not the agreed upon amount. He does pay for his own alcohol, fishing gear and other wants but joint expenses come from my account.

As far as getting pregnant, there is a part of me that would love to have a baby because being a woman I know time is running out but at the same time, I want a partner who will support me so I have held off on any plans.

PB, he has had constant back problems as far as I've known him. I'm not sure how serious it is as it doesn't impair his lifestyle. He still walks normally and is able to get up and down with ease. He just complains his back is sore with everything he does. I am baffled and I'll admit I sometimes think he is faking or exaggerating the extent of his pain.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You're not crazy for wanting an equal partner muffin1983. If his back truly is the problem then it's likely to get worse with age unless he's heavy causing part of the problem.

He really needs to get into night classes and a direction where he can make money without standing all day.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I swear by how you wrote this, I could be your husband (well, the man I was 3 years ago that is). While my ex wife didn't ever really hold a steady job, I missed a lot of work from my part time job due to 'back injuries' and the likes.

Went to several doctors and they could never really find the 'problem'. I had become really unhappy with my life, what I thought were marital (I did have a lot of problems in my past marriage) were mostly personal issues. Childhood issues that didn't translate into adulthood very well. Between the ages of 21-27 I gained over 100 lbs and was just miserable. 

Eventually everything added up between my personal issue and problems in my marriage something had to give .. and that was my marriage. After putting a lot of work into myself (personal therapy, going to the gym) I managed to drop 100 lbs and I haven't really missed a day of work in 2 years. I legitimately through out my back last Wednesday and couldn't get out of bed, I return to work tomorrow on lighter duties and have already begun physical therapy. 3 years ago I probably would have been off for 3-4 months as long as I just 'felt' like I wasn't feeling well.

Long story short; your husband isn't well mentally. I'm not saying he's crazy or he's a lost cause but there's something he needs to be working on within himself. In all honesty, even though you love him and you married him ... you shouldn't have to put up with this bullsh!t. It's on him to fix it, not you.

He needs to be paying his portion of the bills, if he can do extreme sports and purchase a new bike ... he can be working 40 hours a week like everyone else.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I worked with this woman many years ago in an office. The company we worked for was unionized.

In the five years that I was there, she maybe worked a total of 2 of them, over that span.

Why? Because, as she'd tell anybody that listened, she had respiratory issues that made working in a stuffy office (no open windows) extremely difficult. Especially in winter or summer when the heat or a/c was on constantly.

This same woman would take her c. 350lb body and her walker, and go out for a cigarette or two at every break. 

That's not to say she didn't HAVE respiratory issues, but, you know, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Lose 150lbs and quit smoking. Duh.

Some people just don't want to work.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

While I do think your husband is kind of milking the system and not pulling his own weight in the marriage, I know from personal experience that body positions or lifting things at certain angles can be excruciating. but other activities don't make that happen.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> You are not crazy.
> 
> If anything, you are gullible. I don't believe your H at all: if his back is so hurt that he has to call off work, then he would not be doing extreme sports. Back pain is horrible- no one would willing jolt a bad back, even for short periods of time.
> 
> ...



:iagree: These were my exact thoughts as well.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

michzz said:


> While I do think your husband is kind of milking the system and not pulling his own weight in the marriage, I know from personal experience that body positions or lifting things at certain angles can be excruciating. but other activities don't make that happen.


I can understand this, but biking with jumping sounds like it could easily twist you in all kinds of directions. 

I have chronic health problems and am not able to work a regular job. I do as much as I can around the house.

I can understand him getting worn out from work. I can understand still trying to get in your exercise, but I can't understand how he can do extreme sports stuff. 

Since he is forgetting his exercises, it sounds like he doesn't really have the motivation to focus on his health. Would he see a therapist of some type?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The only back issues your husband has is from having to carry his lazy ass behind him. He has no work ethic, and sees no issue with you carrying the entire weight of the responsibilities in your "marriage". He will do this as long as you tolerate it. Get out there and snap some pictures of poor Mr Bad Back on his bike. He isnt going to change, so unless YOU do something, THIS is the rest of your life. No REAL partner would take advantage of the other this way. Disgusting.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

muffin1983 said:


> We are currently 31 (me) and 30 (h), married for almost 3 years, together for 8.5.
> 
> *He does pay for his own alcohol*, fishing gear and other wants but joint expenses come from my account.
> 
> As far as getting pregnant, there is a part of me that would love to have a baby because being a woman I know time is running out ...


My bff had her first child at 31. She had her youngest at 44. All four kids are grown (or almost!) and they are all thriving.

If you think 31 means your time to have kids is "running out" I'm afraid you are mistaken ... unless you already know of some fertility problems you have.

You're husband may be a hypochondriac. I have serious problems with my C-2/C-3. I've had three MRI scans of my spine. My back pain is legitimate. But I work 40 hours a week, and I'm frequently on my feet. It's not curable, but certainly treatable.

Pays for his own booze, does he? Just how much does he enjoy drinking with his buddies, during his time off, while chilling out around the house?

I could be wrong, but I can smell a potential alkie a mile away. Maybe his work takes time away from interests he'd rather pursue ... like fishing, hanging out with his buds, and drinking.

You already knew you weren't crazy when you posted. But I think you know you are married to an irresponsible man who is mooching off you. And, P.S., you may want to throw a drinking problem into the mix.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others, your husband's back issues are not bad enough to keep him from working. I know people with real back problems, they are not doing extreme sports. There is no way that they could.

If he can do extreme sports, there is also no reason why he cannot keep the house spotless, cook, do the shopping, etc.

You cannot change him. What you see is what you get. So if you don't want to be his mother, you would be best served getting a divorce. You are plenty young enough to find a new/good man and have the children you want. Do not waist your youth on a guy who is just going to suck everything out of you that he can.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with the others, your husband's back issues are not bad enough to keep him from working. I know people with real back problems, they are not doing extreme sports. There is no way that they could.
> 
> If he can do extreme sports, there is also no reason why he cannot keep the house spotless, cook, do the shopping, etc.
> 
> You cannot change him. What you see is what you get. So if you don't want to be his mother, you would be best served getting a divorce. You are plenty young enough to find a new/good man and have the children you want. Do not waist your youth on a guy who is just going to suck everything out of you that he can.


:iagree:


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

06Daddio08 said:


> I swear by how you wrote this, I could be your husband (well, the man I was 3 years ago that is). While my ex wife didn't ever really hold a steady job, I missed a lot of work from my part time job due to 'back injuries' and the likes.
> 
> Went to several doctors and they could never really find the 'problem'. I had become really unhappy with my life, what I thought were marital (I did have a lot of problems in my past marriage) were mostly personal issues. Childhood issues that didn't translate into adulthood very well. Between the ages of 21-27 I gained over 100 lbs and was just miserable.
> 
> ...


Daddio, thanks for sharing your story. One thing I forgot to add is my husband was diagnosed with depression 3 years ago when things started going downhill. He began taking meds and doing talk therapy as soon as he was diagnosed which helped a bit. He was even discharged from talk therapy 6 months after diagnosis. I felt that it was too soon and he wasn't being completely honest with his therapist. I think he had a hard time honestly opening up to her and telling her what exactly was going through his mind. I believe he is actually still having issues with his depression.

I understand his depression but realize that he must be more pro-active in dealing with it. E.g. Eating better, exercise, less alcohol. I just hope me leaving isn't that final straw....I've seriously been considering it.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> My bff had her first child at 31. She had her youngest at 44. All four kids are grown (or almost!) and they are all thriving.
> 
> If you think 31 means your time to have kids is "running out" I'm afraid you are mistaken ... unless you already know of some fertility problems you have.


My worries come from my mother. She was about 38 or 39 when she went through menopause. She also had two miscarriages but still managed to have 3 kids. I have read that the age of menopause is somewhat genetic so that is always in the back of my mind.

[/QUOTE] Pays for his own booze, does he? Just how much does he enjoy drinking with his buddies, during his time off, while chilling out around the house? [/QUOTE]

Hanging out with buddies, he drinks 7-8 beers on a work night. Maybe 12 a night on a Friday or Saturday but not both nights. When he is just at home, he may have 2 or 3 a night. On average, he goes through a 24-36 beers a week.

I'm not sure if he has a drinking problem per say but he did tell me once that he does feel inadequate if he is not drinking and everyone else is. I think it could be a self-esteem problem. He wants to feel accepted and adequate with friends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

muffin1983 said:


> Hanging out with buddies, he drinks 7-8 beers on a work night. Maybe 12 a night on a Friday or Saturday but not both nights. When he is just at home, he may have 2 or 3 a night. On average, he goes through a 24-36 beers a week.
> 
> I'm not sure if he has a drinking problem per say but he did tell me once that he does feel inadequate if he is not drinking and everyone else is. I think it could be a self-esteem problem. He wants to feel accepted and adequate with friends.


Is he taking meds for depression and drinking like that at the same time?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

muffin1983 said:


> My worries come from my mother. She was about 38 or 39 when she went through menopause. She also had two miscarriages but still managed to have 3 kids. I have read that the age of menopause is somewhat genetic so that is always in the back of my mind.
> 
> Hanging out with buddies, he drinks 7-8 beers on a work night. Maybe 12 a night on a Friday or Saturday but not both nights. When he is just at home, he may have 2 or 3 a night. On average, he goes through a 24-36 beers a week.
> 
> I'm not sure if he has a drinking problem per say but he did tell me once that he does feel inadequate if he is not drinking and everyone else is. I think it could be a self-esteem problem. He wants to feel accepted and adequate with friends.


Your H sounds like he is an alcoholic. That is a lot of beer.

Regarding his refusal to work full time, you are NOT crazy. He is irresponsible and a slacker. He is either a hypochondriac or a liar regarding his back pain. My back acts up from time to time. When it is hurting, even laying down doesn't help. I like biking too, used to mountain bike. With a bad back, however, I'm scared to do anything that might tweek my back the wrong way...I pay for it for weeks. If I go on a mountain bike ride with my children, I have to be very, very careful. I'd rather not go, because of my back and how incapacitated I am when it acts up. Your husband's back is not as bad as he pretends it to be, or he wouldn't be actively seeking extreme sports like that.

Your husband is using you.

When you get pregnant, you will be very vulnerable and maybe even dependent for a while. Your husband isn't reliable, or responsible, and should not become a father....much less the father of your baby.

You both need marriage counselling, and he needs individual counselling. If he refuses either, you really have no hope for a better future with him.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

muffin1983 said:


> Am I crazy or do I have a valid point?
> 
> I have been having an on-going debate with my husband for about a year now. It began in August 2013 when my husband started missing work. August and September, it was just one day per week, then in October 2 days per week and December 3 days per week. His boss did speak to him about his chronic absenteeism but did not fire. Finally in April of this year, they hired someone to “help” him out to ensure that someone was always in the meat shop. (He works in a grocery store.) The absenteeism has continued and about a month ago, his work cut his hours to 18-24 per week.
> 
> ...


In my opinion, it's you who should have the sore back because from where I'm sitting it sure looks like you're carrying way more of this relationship than he is.

I understand your philosophy on marriage, but you're both not on the same page in the marriage right now and from what you've written I don't see him stepping up to the plate and meeting your expectations. If he can't commit to that, then he's not committing himself to making your marriage better. Do you really want to be with someone like that, especially if you eventually have children?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> You are not crazy.
> 
> If anything, you are gullible. I don't believe your H at all: if his back is so hurt that he has to call off work, then he would not be doing extreme sports. Back pain is horrible- no one would willing jolt a bad back, even for short periods of time.
> 
> ...


I agree, even riding a bike on FLAG ground would be unbearable.

Mountain biking you said? Yeah, I smell ****. If he can write a mountain bike down/ up mountains he can SURELY work.

Besides, if he can't stand or do physical labor, America is FILLED with professional jobs that don't require NOTHING BUT SITTING.

He needs to get up off his ass and get education and obtain a career that fits his physical abilities better.

But I have doubts his pain is that bad if he participates in extreme sports.....

I smell fish, but OP, be VERY VERY sensitive about the approach you take when having a serious discussion on the subject.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

muffin1983 said:


> My worries come from my mother. She was about 38 or 39 when she went through menopause. She also had two miscarriages but still managed to have 3 kids. I have read that the age of menopause is somewhat genetic so that is always in the back of my mind.


Menopause is a process, not a point in time. It takes years from the time the body begins to change, until the time you no longer ovulate. Yes, pregnancy is less likely, but not at all impossible during those years. Until your period stops, you are able to get pregnant.

But the real point is that you are only in your 30's and are married to a man who has proven that he isn't mature enough to pull his own weight, and is putting most of the responsibility on your shoulders.

If you have children with this man, you will be supporting them and him. You will be working all the time, and he will be blowing your money, and based on his current attitude, he won't even be a good "house husband." He will neglect the household chores, and will neglect the children.

You will be working like a dog, and won't have time to enjoy your children. When you are home, you'll be working to do all the things he has neglected while he was playing, or drinking and you were working to put food on the table and a roof over your family's head.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? He has no reason to change, and I can almost promise you he WON'T change. You are condemning yourself to a life of misery, when all the signs are already right in front of you.

Don't have children with him. You are still very young. I had my first child at 35, and my last child at 42 (4 living children, 3 miscarriages.) I know you love him, but you need to love yourself, and love those children you want to bring into the world. Do you want them to live in a home where mom works like a slave at her job and at home, Dad is lazy, a liar, and an alcoholic, and they are neglected by both of you?

Please don't take what I'm telling you as an attack. I know you love him. But love is 2 way. Love is action, not just words. You are working to fill in for his back injury. You've been doing it for 3 years. That is love. Keep doing that now that you realize he is lying and using you and you will be turning into a codependent, sick person, not a loving responsible spouse.

Your husband's actions are saying that he doesn't love you more than he loves himself. He is using you. He may be sick and not able to get out of his rut, but you cannot change him. Only he can change himself. All you can do is see reality, accept it and make your decisions accordingly.

Take care of yourself, and those precious children you want to have someday. Give yourself and them a chance to live in a healthy home....with a different man.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I have herniated discs in my low back on 3 separate occasions. I know what true back pain is. Thankfully, I have avoided surgery each time. I am self employed and work at a desk, but I never missed a single day of work. There were days when the pain was through the freaking roof, but it is my job as the man of the family to provide for my family.

You are letting this guy still be a child. He needs to grow up. Stop carrying him. Make him either grow up or get out.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You've received excellent advice. I agree that your H is totally milking you. Why shouldn't he? You still come home and cook, clean, pay the bills, pay for most of the vacations...

Speaking of...that needs to stop. If you want to take a vacation, take it by yourself if you are paying for it. If he wants to come then he needs to help you pay for half of it. Don't let him sit at home mooching off of you and then turn around and reward him with a vacation! 

He is obviously lying about how bad his back hurts. If it hurts so bad that he can't work his job full time then he shouldn't be climbing a mountain or biking or any other extreme sport. That is crap and it needs to stop.

I have a girlfriend that has a fractured hip and some messed up vertebrata in her back. She was on crutches for a while and she still got up and cleaned her house and took care of her kid because her H refuses to help. She is scheduled for surgery in a week and she decided to drop the crutches because they were getting in her way. She is still taking care of her daughter/cleaning/cooking. She spends most of the time scooting on the floor - but she gets sh*t done.

He can retrain to work a desk job. Tell him this and see if he accepts. If not, then sweetie...you need to make sure you can deal with this forever or try to find someone that has similar interests in the future as you do.

As far as having kids, I wouldn't. I have 3 kids and my H is gone 50% of the time (military). It's HARD doing it alone. I stay at home...thank goodness because I don't know how in the hell working single moms/dads do it. I would die.

Imagine doing that AND having to take care of your H too...ugh. You will be so incredibly tired. My H helps me when work is slow for him. He will cook or help clean or take the kids for a while to let me rest. He helps with them. I don't see your H helping with anything now...what makes you think he would help with kids? 

You're not crazy!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

muffin1983 said:


> I understand his depression but realize that he must be more pro-active in dealing with it. E.g. Eating better, exercise, less alcohol. I just hope me leaving isn't that final straw....I've seriously been considering it.


a) if Doctor didn't recommend above, they are SHADY/stay away
b) Depression pills are ABSOLUTELY LAST RESORT!!! Eating, exercise etc is Step #1 and in most case does WONDERS for "depression".

Don't get me wrong, there are extreme cases of depression out there and people do need help, but we are talking SMALL percentage. Nowhere NEAR as much as our "doctors" prescribe and push it onto people.

These pills can do crazy things to people's mind/brain and HEALTH!!!


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Muffin, this is my story in a nutshell. I'm just realizing that I'm being taken for a ride and I have put boundaries in place that have been HARD. But it's necessary. I'm still working through it and I'm losing hope. He has to change himself, you can't do it. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life this way and if he won't change, I need to make the move.

I agree with other posters... stop paying for everything. If he wants something he has to put on his big boy pants and work to earn it.


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