# Living with an asexual wife



## DownInDartmouth (Jan 12, 2016)

Hi everyone. I am a new poster, but have been reading the many threads and advice. I know that many others have been or are, in my situation. I post this looking for advice on how to cope. 

I'm 38 living common law for 11 years with three children 4, 9, 14, my "wife" and I used to have a great relationship emotionally and sexually. It slowly began eroding after the birth of my second child. 9 years later, here I am. I love my wife, but for the last 5 years, she has become increasingly hostile toward sex. Robotic 3-4 times per year. I try to express my frustration, and just get screamed at. Called a pervert, sex fiend, you name it she has thrown it. The few times a year she allows me to touch her, she breaks out a two page list of conditions. She will usually say something half way through to make me feel like a rapist, and I usually stop without release. 

I need advice on how to live with this, I can't leave for fear she will use the children as pawns. Which is something she threatens when j tell her I've had enough.

Any advise would be great.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you sure that she is a-sexual?

What problems besides sex are there in your marriage (relationship)?

What complaints does she have about you and the marriage (relationship)?


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## DownInDartmouth (Jan 12, 2016)

There are many issues with our relationship now, but not always. I'm not going to say I'm a saint, but I'm a good man and father. No infidelities. She blames me for all problems with our relationship. 

Money, even though I sign my checks over. I get an allowance albeit begrudgingly. Total communication break down. If I try to talk about anything she just screams, blames me for some insure thing I didn't do. We are ok financially, and I don't understand how things don't get paid. I gave here total control at her demand, but she still blames me. Openly critisizes my only friend I haven't alienated for her. She the type of woman more concerned with the laundry then me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She's not asexual. They're quite rare and she used to like sex. 

She's just not into you any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownInDartmouth (Jan 12, 2016)

She certainly exibits all the traits Marduk. No interest in anything sex related. She seems to think sex is for teens. Very closed minded toward it, even in everyday conversations with our oldest daughter.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well, you stopped acting like a man and she stopped treating you like one. Man up. Stop whining about her running your friends off, berating you, denying you sex, and bullying you by holding your kids over your head. Have your check deposited in your own account, tell her you're going to live in a way that makes you happy, while still taking care of your family, and if she doesn't get on board, go see a lawyer and get a divorce. 

What exactly do you have to lose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Btw, she's not asexual, she's just getting those needs met elsewhere is my guess. She liked sex before-- she still does. Just not with you.

You have got to change and start living your life in a way that makes you happy. If you're happy, she might be happier, too.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

DownInDartmouth said:


> She certainly exibits all the traits Marduk. No interest in anything sex related. She seems to think sex is for teens. Very closed minded toward it, even in everyday conversations with our oldest daughter.


One of my buddies swore his wife was asexual. All the same reasons you give and more. 

He settled himself into thinking that it was just the way she was going to be. 

And then she hit on me. When I said no, she hit on one of his oldest friends, who was happy to pound her into next week. 

Turns out she wasn't asexual after all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownInDartmouth (Jan 12, 2016)

Your right evinrude, problem is I'm still in love with her, or at least the woman she was. I don't like the idea of leaving, although it may be a necessity. Not good for us or the kids. I would love to work this out some how, but when I bring up counseling or meeting half way, all I get is the my way or the highway mentality. Has anyone here had any sucsess rekindling their relationship once it has reached this point?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

DownInDartmouth said:


> Your right evinrude, problem is I'm still in love with her, or at least the woman she was. I don't like the idea of leaving, although it may be a necessity. Not good for us or the kids. I would love to work this out some how, but when I bring up counseling or meeting half way, all I get is the my way or the highway mentality. Has anyone here had any sucsess rekindling their relationship once it has reached this point?


Quick. 

Name your worst three traits. 

How much can you bench and what's your body fat %. 

Tell me the last three women that came onto you and how long ago that was. 

Tell me three things that have nothing to do with her but make you happy to do. 

And then tell me why you're doing nothing about all those things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownInDartmouth (Jan 12, 2016)

Blunt. To the point of assholishness at times

Introverted

Facial hair


Bench 200 easy. Tradesman in good shape. 

One woman young and beautiful at a bar a year ago. Other than that. Couldn't say


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## DownInDartmouth (Jan 12, 2016)

Watching UFC with friends

Gardening 

Working

I do nothing because I'm afraid of loosing my kids


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

DownInDartmouth said:


> Watching UFC with friends
> 
> Gardening
> 
> ...


She has you by the balls then my friend. 

You seem like a good guy.

I'd advise being a little more social, a little more outgoing, and use your bluntness to your benefit. 

"Wife. Any marriage that I'm part of includes sex. I'm willing to work on this if you are, but I'm not willing to be celibate for the rest of my life if you are."

And spend more time out with your buddies. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownInDartmouth (Jan 12, 2016)

Thanks Marduk. Your right on several levels. 

Amazing when I read this, I wonder why I torture myself. 

Thanks for the advise all


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

DownInDartmouth said:


> There are many issues with our relationship now, but not always. I'm not going to say I'm a saint, but I'm a good man and father. No infidelities. She blames me for all problems with our relationship.
> 
> Money, even though I sign my checks over. I get an allowance albeit begrudgingly. Total communication break down. If I try to talk about anything she just screams, blames me for some insure thing I didn't do. We are ok financially, and I don't understand how things don't get paid. I gave here total control at her demand, but she still blames me. Openly critisizes my only friend I haven't alienated for her. She the type of woman more concerned with the laundry then me.





Evinrude58 said:


> Well, you stopped acting like a man and she stopped treating you like one. Man up. Stop whining about her running your friends off, berating you, denying you sex, and bullying you by holding your kids over your head. Have your check deposited in your own account, tell her you're going to live in a way that makes you happy, while still taking care of your family, and if she doesn't get on board, go see a lawyer and get a divorce.
> 
> What exactly do you have to lose?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> ...





DownInDartmouth said:


> Watching UFC with friends
> 
> Gardening
> 
> ...


You seem to be an attractive man and in shape. I am assuming you are genuienly attentive to her needs and not afraid to listen and listen between the words. 

There are two options.

The first one is she just got a dose of the crazy, got it into her head that she cannot cope with life on anything but her own terms. If this is the case it is likely to be going nowhere but divorce.

The second one is more difficult. She is scared and has lost respect for you as a man. The forum has plenty of advice on this option, as you can actually do something about it and it is worth trying before giving up. First, take your money back. Dictate finances to her, firmly but politely. She will go mad, let her, but tell her you will not discuss it in that tone. Do not lose your temper.

She blamed you for all her problems, and wore you down. Once you were worn down from being an attractive, confident man to one who accepts an allowance, her respect for you disappeared. Your best chance is being a good example to your kids (who are learning how a relationship should work from you) is to turn this around. Understand this is how you can be a good Father and possibly save a dysfunctional marriage.

No More Mr Nice Guy 
and 
Married Mans Sex Life Primer 
will offer something. I do not think there is much that will help you though.
Read up on the 180 too.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

DownInDartmouth said:


> Thanks Marduk. Your right on several levels.
> 
> Amazing when I read this, I wonder why I torture myself.
> 
> Thanks for the advise all


Make a plan.

What's one thing you are going to work on this week and one conversation you are going to have with your wife, who clearly feels like she's in charge and better than you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dart,
You need to remember something: 
A marriage requires two people that are equally committed to making the relationship work for both.

By denying you sex, among other things, she is simply telling you to go **** yourself. You are not all at fault here. Your wife holding your kids over your head like that is disgusting. 

Please, go see an attorney about your kids secretly, and do some research and find out if your wife is cheating. Don't quiz your wife-- pointless. I really think there has to be a reason for this attitude of hers.

Regardless, this isn't all your fault, but if you stay in an unhappy situation, you can't blame anyone but yourself if you make no effort to change it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

She's beating you down. Dont let her get away with it.

I know easy to say, but there's just no other way to avoid a life of misery.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yet another case where action is called upon without first understanding the root cause.

If she's acting this way because that's who she is, easy answer. 

If she's acting this way because of something she thinks you did or did not, maybe you can address it. Doubtful but you never know.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

DownInDartmouth said:


> Hi everyone. I am a new poster, but have been reading the many threads and advice. I know that many others have been or are, in my situation. I post this looking for advice on how to cope.
> 
> I'm 38 living common law for 11 years with three children 4, 9, 14, my "wife" and I used to have a great relationship emotionally and sexually. It slowly began eroding after the birth of my second child. 9 years later, here I am. I love my wife, but for the last 5 years, she has become increasingly hostile toward sex. Robotic 3-4 times per year. I try to express my frustration, and just get screamed at. Called a pervert, sex fiend, you name it she has thrown it. The few times a year she allows me to touch her, she breaks out a two page list of conditions. She will usually say something half way through to make me feel like a rapist, and I usually stop without release.
> 
> ...


John is right. Again.

Have their been any moves in that time?
Any major events?
Does your wife have many friends?
Does your wife have many long-term friends?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

john117 said:


> Yet another case where action is called upon without first understanding the root cause.
> 
> *If she's acting this way because that's who she is, easy answer. *
> 
> If she's acting this way because of something she thinks you did or did not, maybe you can address it. Doubtful but you never know.


I found myself thinking that my wife calls me a "pervert" too! But I actually like it when she says that. She might even say it in a cruel way, but I'll just say, "well you married me, so now I know what you like!"
@DownInDartmouth perhaps you need to up your "game" a little and learn to be ludicrously overconfident along with some sharp come backs for when she tries to belittle you. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

DownInDartmouth said:


> There are many issues with our relationship now, but not always. I'm not going to say I'm a saint, but I'm a good man and father. No infidelities. She blames me for all problems with our relationship.
> 
> Money, even though I sign my checks over. I get an allowance albeit begrudgingly. Total communication break down. If I try to talk about anything she just screams, blames me for some insure thing I didn't do. We are ok financially, and I don't understand how things don't get paid. I gave here total control at her demand, but she still blames me. Openly critisizes my only friend I haven't alienated for her. She the type of woman more concerned with the laundry then me.


 Sorry. Your fault. You created the monster and now your paying for it. You have no control or say so in your home because you let it happen.

Time for you to make some changes or it's only going to get worse and I honestly can't see how it can. Your a hostage in your home and your life so man up and make the changes you need to make and do it now.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Again, we do not know. Some people are just deeply damaged and it can takes years to come out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

john117 said:


> Yet another case where action is called upon without first understanding the root cause.
> 
> If she's acting this way because that's who she is, easy answer.
> 
> If she's acting this way because of something she thinks you did or did not, maybe you can address it. Doubtful but you never know.


Sexless marriage for over a year? He has a job and is given an "allowance"?? I would be doing something! Wouldn't you? What he's doing now certainly isn't working!

I Don't disagree that we don't have all the facts, but this marriage is rough!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DownInDartmouth said:


> There are many issues with our relationship now, but not always. I'm not going to say I'm a saint, but I'm a good man and father. No infidelities. She blames me for all problems with our relationship.
> 
> Money, even though I sign my checks over. I get an allowance albeit begrudgingly. Total communication break down. If I try to talk about anything she just screams, blames me for some insure thing I didn't do. We are ok financially, and I don't understand how things don't get paid. I gave here total control at her demand, but she still blames me. Openly critisizes my only friend I haven't alienated for her. She the type of woman more concerned with the laundry then me.


Just as I figured. Sex is really the least of the relationship problems. Fix the others and sex will follow.

Does she have a job or are you the sole support?

Do you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage? If so are you truly in a common law marriage? You need to make sure that you know your status and that you know your rights if you separate.

For example, right now are you obligated to support her? In marriage, each spouse is legally obligate to support the other.

It's absolutely nonsense that she has complete control of finances and begrudgingly hands you an allowance. In marriage (or committed relationship) you both should be completely aware of finances. All bills paid. 10% to 20% put in savings. The rest is split between the two of you to spend as you wish.

I agree that you need to take back control of your own income because of the way she is handling the finances. Then do not ever again hand over finances to someone leaving yourself in the blind about your own income and finances. I don't care how loud they scream, stomp their feet and throw things.

Once the money is going into your account you can tell her that when she is willing to work as a team with finances, you will be willing to do that with her. But as long as she acts the way she has been about money you will be handling all the finances.

She could have a reason for her attitude. We don't know her side of the story. But in many cases it can be fixed.

There are some books that I think will help you in talking to her to find out what her issues really are and if they are realistic or not. The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"... read them both. Then try to get her to read them and do the work with you.

There is something that you might want to consider. Here is a link to read... it's a quick read. To me she sounds like she might be going down this path... so this might also help.

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Your story is a common one. Women call their husbands sex addicts for wanting sex. I think some professional help is needed. So many marriages end up staying together for the sake of the children. My sister did that and as soon as hers were on their own, she divorced her husband but was cheating on him all the time. When sex starts to be used as currency in a marriage, that is not a healthy marriage. Most wives will want custody of the children but you cannot be denied visitation rights. You certainly have grounds for a divorce. Your wife is using sex and the children to get what she wants and sooner or later you need to decide to live an unhappy life or get a divorce. I feel very sorry for you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I found myself thinking that my wife calls me a "pervert" too! But I actually like it when she says that. She might even say it in a cruel way, but I'll just say, "well you married me, so now I know what you like!"


I've been called worse... And in her terms I am that and worse.

It simply tells me she does not understand what normal sexuality is all about, or she does and is not comfortable.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If a woman can dominate a man to the degree you describe, she sure as heck won't be sexually attracted to him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Short of leaving her - which I think you should do - take back some control. First of all, don't sign over your check. Set up your own account, deposit your pay there. Take over bill paying, unless you are bad/irresponsible with money, otherwise transfer to her or a joint account the amount necessary to pay the bills and run the household and take care of the children's needs, and very little more. (If she works too, factor her earnings into the equation and only transfer enough to make up the difference in expenses - keep the rest under your control.) I think this is largely a matter of loss of respect for you, and you need to take actions which will increase her respect for you and see you as strong and capable. Good luck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

john117 said:


> Yet another case where action is called upon without first understanding the root cause.
> 
> If she's acting this way because that's who she is, easy answer.
> 
> If she's acting this way because of something she thinks you did or did not, maybe you can address it. Doubtful but you never know.


If he can become the best, most bad ass mofo, it doesn't matter.

He wins either way.


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## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

Agreed with all of the take action advice people have put forth.

General aside, be prepared for the push back. Arguments, passive aggressive slights, outbursts, whatever her mode of counter-attack is, it will come.

You need to be ready to stand in the middle of that particular storm and either take it or dismiss it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

john117 said:


> Yet another case where action is called upon without first understanding the root cause.
> 
> If she's acting this way because that's who she is, easy answer.
> 
> If she's acting this way because of something she thinks you did or did not, maybe you can address it. Doubtful but you never know.


sound advice, but at the same time, given the level of severe abuse she is heaping on him, unless he is an ogre or not telling us some unpardonable sin he has committed, it probably doesn't matter much why.

eeehhh gadds. is all i can think!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

marduk said:


> If he can become the best, most bad ass mofo, it doesn't matter.
> 
> He wins either way.


Agreed, but in general the timing is an issue. If it takes xxx months to muscle up  and yyy more months to wait for results and zzz to file...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> sound advice, but at the same time, given the level of severe abuse she is heaping on him, unless he is an ogre or not telling us some unpardonable sin he has committed, it probably doesn't matter much why.
> 
> eeehhh gadds. is all i can think!


Right, it's just I like to know why things happen the way they do..


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Step one to getting your b*lls back: Stop signing your paycheck over to her and accepting an "allowance."

New bank account in your name only.

"Here wife. Here's YOUR allowance."


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

john117 said:


> Agreed, but in general the timing is an issue. If it takes xxx months to muscle up  and yyy more months to wait for results and zzz to file...


He's already muscled up.

He needs to open his own account, co-manage the money, and refuse to accept an 'allowance.'

He needs to be able to listen to his wife rant and rave and then laugh at it.

He needs to respond by going and doing something fun without her.

He needs to clearly express that the current state of affairs is unreasonable and cannot be expected to continue. And he needs to understand the outcomes of that, and be OK with it, no matter what happens.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Or, he can figure out that even by doing all those, she's not changing to any appreciable extent and bail out.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Your relationship with your wife and my relationship I have/had with my husband have some similarities. As a female who is responding to this, I do not think being asexual is the issue. Does your wife, and please don't take this wrong PLEASE PLEASE, but does she have a mental issue. I have depression and anxiety, and PTSD. Some of the things I hear you saying send up the same red flags to me. 

She sounds like someone who is caught in a cycle of trauma, in PTSD and can't get herself out of that loop. I say this because she not only goes after you but after at least one of your children. So the issue is NOT fully with just you. She sounds exhausted, and confused, and alone, even though she has helped create those conditions. 

Does she have a past history of abuse by any chance, Sexual abuse, or verbal or physical abuse. A controlling parent, an alcoholic father, a bad experience that could be scaring sexually. If any of those occurred at some point that could be part of hte problem. Sometimes these things come into light, after children, and after your hormone levels taper off due to age, and because you feel comfortable in the marriage you are in. 

I am surprised no one has mentioned getting counseling for your self. You are being abused and your children may be being abused as well. Get yourself into therapy. If your wife sees positive changed in you then she may go with you. Tell her something like " I'd like you to go to counseling with me, if you don't want to, I am going to counseling . I love you enough to do what I can to help me and you both." Don't turn it into an argument. State, I have made an appointment for WHATEVER DATE if you want to join me and turn and walk away. The day of the appointment of the night before you can remind her of the address and the time, ad say "If you want to meat me there you can, if not, I am going to be there for an hour" Walk away. Often just knowing that some one else knows how you are being treated is enough to curb some of the behaviors the other id dishing out. 

I would not suggest trying to regain your manhood by reclaiming your money. That is gonna cause the DO DO to hit the fan, and you do not want your children to witness that or be treated poorly because there mother is pissed off. 

Back to mental illness, maybe some anxiety meds would help, you can even go to a family physician for that. Does she have some other issues? My husband has aspergers. It makes him very self centered and unable to understand how his words hurt others. He says things that are rude and blunt. And is very disconnected from people. Bipolar maybe. That often shows up in a need to control others, and have control over everything, and lack of control over money, kids, family members, spouses, friends, anything really can be very unsettling and can cause panic to set in. That panic and anxiety can be difficult to get yourself out of. I take psych meds (zoloft) and I am here to tell you that it gave me my life back. I was lost, and helpless, and scared. But after the meds, I got me back. I found the person I once was. I began to smile, and enjoy life once again. Just an added note though. Psych meds can kill your sex drive. But to me (my H may beg to differ) having a happy and pleasent wife to live with on a daily basis just might be a pretty good tradeoff. 

You also asked if anyone had separated and gotten back together with your spouse? My H and I are currently separated. He sounds a lot like your wife. It totally missed up the two older kids by me staying with my H. The little one, well hopefully she will never have to know that her daddy was an ass. With T for both my H and I, and a very clear drawn out plan (because he has aspergers and needs routine and can't live with the unknown) we have a plan in place for my return, and a clear lay out of what is expected in order for me to return. I worked long and hard with my T before doing this. And she helped me to write a contract for he and I to sign. I will return in June if things improve. We will have been separated 9 months at that point. Separating and getting back together at a later date is very doable with the correct preplanning. I gave my two older kids the option to choose if they were coming with me or not. One did and the other didn't. The little one came with me.

AS not to take over this thread I will not continue on. If you want to PM me though I would be happy to help in any way possible, or answer any questions that mad be insightful. 

Reguardless good luck wiht this situation. It doesn't sound like a pleasant one.


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