# Financial Arrangement for Stay at Home Mom



## Sae761 (Dec 16, 2015)

I'm really looking for the male presepctive on this one but any input is more than welcome. 

My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years, we have two young children together. I gave up my job to stay at home with them. He absolutely hates the idea of daycare, and wants me to stay home until they go to school. He works full time, making 50k/year. This is a drastic decrease for him as last year he made over 100k but has switched jobs.

My monthly bills consist of a phone bill, car insurance and student loans amounting to $400 total. I receive child tax from the government, and that almost covers it. My husband has said he will make up the difference ($80) but doesn't so I use my credit card each month. We don't have a mortage on either of our houses, but he pays for everything else. One of our homes is up for sale and so hopefully soon that will be a big pay day...

He has always said that his money is his, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra ... I have never seem any of his statements and have to take his word on his debts, income and assets.

I haven't spent any money on myself in years. No hair cuts or clothes for example. I do not even have the money to buy gifts for him unless I use my credit card ... 

I have tried to talk to him about letting me have an allowance for incidental expenses but he refuses. I have tried to talk to him about including me with the money but he says because I don't make any money I don't get a say. 

I'm becoming more and more upset as he does things like buying a new TV when we have nothing bought for our children for xmas .... 

My family thinks he is only with me to avoid having to pay child support ( he thinks child support is paying the mother ) . 

Should I be more understanding and just accept he makes the money so it's his choice how to spend it?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Go back to work, problem solved.

Too bad if he hates daycare... if that's the case, let him quit his job, stay home with the kids, and be broke while YOU get to spend your hard earned money.

I must say, you have a very unusual financial arrangement for a married couple. How does he expect you to live off of nothing?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Find a job. Put the kids into daycare. If his money is his money, then, you need to make your own.

If he wanted his kids to be taken care of by their mother, then, he should be able to take care of all the expenses. Including yours. 

If he can't take care of all your needs then, you must get a job. It's that simple. 

Once, you find a job keep your money separate from him and insist he pays 1/2 the daycare fees. That should only be fair.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sae,
It's never clear in these situations how much the H truly hates the idea of day care, vs how much he wants to retain control over his spouse by way of finances. 

Let's make the positive assumption that he truly believes that a SAHM is better for the kids than daycare. 

One option is for you to get a job in the evenings/weekends. This avoids having a battle over daycare. 

His financial behavior is toxic. Is it because he is a very controlling person? Or is it because the overall marriage is unhappy?








Sae761 said:


> I'm really looking for the male presepctive on this one but any input is more than welcome.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years, we have two young children together. I gave up my job to stay at home with them. He absolutely hates the idea of daycare, and wants me to stay home until they go to school. He works full time, making 50k/year. This is a drastic decrease for him as last year he made over 100k but has switched jobs.
> 
> ...


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I think you should consider yourself somewhat fortunate. He's revealed very early on that you can't trust him and that's he's never going to work in your best interest.

Better to learn that now then when you've stayed home for years and years and he's screwing you in court during a divorce.

You now know what his mentality is and so you know that you have to be responsible for you (that's always the reality, most people just refuse to deal with it)...its a good lesson to learn early.

So stop relying on him and start empowering yourself. Get a job, save your money in a separate account, and make a plan B because he doesn't sound like marriage material.

He's out for his own best interest only...and you need to start protecting you and your kids.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Sorry, but he sounds like an asshat. Why are you married to a man like this? No, seriously? Why do you stay with a man who treats you like crap?

Leave him and get a job. Don't get married again unless you know for sure that he's not an asshat.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree he is an ass hat.

I'm thinking if his wife works nights and weekends he will come to value what she does a lot more, because he will have to do it while she is at work. 

Potentially this creates a result where - after a year - he says: sorry I was such an ass hat. Can we agree on a budget out of the income I bring in - that allocates fairly to you for raising the kids? And can you reduce/eliminate your work hours?

But as part of that - needs to be FULL transparency into their finances. She can't fly blind and be unemployed. That is crazily risky....

Maybe he's fixable. Some folks are. 




norajane said:


> Sorry, but he sounds like an asshat. Why are you married to a man like this? No, seriously? Why do you stay with a man who treats you like crap?
> 
> Leave him and get a job. Don't get married again unless you know for sure that he's not an asshat.


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## Sae761 (Dec 16, 2015)

It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone. 

He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money). 

And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare. 

I just wish there was a way to convince him to be more fair. We are not a poor family. He is simply very selfish


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> I agree he is an ass hat.
> 
> I'm thinking if his wife works nights and weekends he will come to value what she does a lot more, because he will have to do it while she is at work.
> 
> ...


I doubt this one is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sae761 said:


> It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone.
> 
> He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money).
> 
> ...


Great to hear you are breastfeeding. It is a wonderful gift you are giving your baby. 

How about starting a part-time job in the evening, as MEM suggested, when your baby is a year old?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Does he give you money to shop for food? Or does he do the shopping? 
Can your mum watch the baby when it's a little older in the evening?
How many kid? and what is their ages.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that except in very special circumstances, a married couple should share money. Incomes can rise and fall, you can inherit money, all sorts of things can change the balance. If money is shared both benefit, or both need to cut back. If you love someone, why would you wan them to live under financial stress when you are doing well yourself? 

Separately he sounds VERY controlling. Jobs in a marriage are to be shared. Sure for practical reasons one person or the other may become responsible for some task, but it should all be a partnership. This is a MARRIAGE, not a business arrangement. 


When I got married, I was a very poor graduate student, my wife had a "real" job that made quite a bit of money and she basically supported me. When I got out of school, my income started low, but rose After about 10 years it matched hers, then continued to grow until it was much larger. Then her parents died and she inherited a bunch of money (the equivalent of 10 years of our combined incomes). We've always shared money, shared costs. When money was tight, we both lived very frugally. Now that we have a lot of money, we can both enjoy things together. If we lose jobs or otherwise become poor, then we will be poor together. I think that is how it should work.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sae,
Are you saying he would refuse to watch the kids if you pumped breast milk, and worked on the weekends?

Or are you opposed to pumping?

The one thing I will say with certainty at this point is that you need to not have any more kids with him. 

You need to have a plan. Thing is, part of that plan is not making more babies with him. 







Sae761 said:


> It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone.
> 
> He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money).
> 
> ...


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> And my youngest is only six months and I breastfeed ... I'd have to wean him to even get a job and don't know if I daycare would take an infant so young. Or if I could afford a daycare.


With my oldest, I used to pump milk at work and put it in a freezer bag. Then I'd leave that milk for during the day and nurse when I got home. It takes a bit of adjustment but its doable.

Many daycares do take babies but there's a lot of home daycares too. There's a bunch of sites you can google that will give you lists of providers in your areas with ratings and information so you can assess how good they are.

You may have to make a transition plan to work part time until you can get adjusted to a full-time schedule and work on your nursing plan but its definitely something you can and should do.

Also...not that I'm suggesting that you do this...but if you're going to live as a single person taking care of yourself and your own kids anyway...if you ditch this guy, there's a ton more resources for single working mothers than there are for married women. You'll be able to get more help without him than with him. Just sayin'.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to talk to a lawyer. Find out what you will be entitled to when you divorce in regards to child support and alimony. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find tables on the internet. Then show it to your husband and tell him you are leaving. Guessing once he sees how much he will be paying you when divorced, his entire view on sharing money might change. 

Problem is, he will still be him. As others have said, an AssHat.


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## Sae761 (Dec 16, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your responses. 

I have thought heavily about getting a job again when my youngest turns 1 and your responses seem to point that idea is the best. 

Leaving isn't an option, and I dont have any family so it's just me alone. I will have to just deal with this situation for that much longer. It's the best thing for the children Atleast. 

And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...

Oh and Ps - we definitely aren't having more children.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Then you should spend your time looking up the divorce laws in your state so that you understand your rights, and what to expect. 

He's keeping you penniless so you can't escape him. That's how abusive people gain power; they keep you helpless. Get that job as soon as you can and keep that money separate.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...


Not true...you probably will qualify for legal aid. If you look up legal aid for divorcing moms in your area, you'll be able to find some resources and apply. Since you're not working right now, you're very likely to be able to find legal help.

Oh and btw, there may also be some subsidies for daycare...you might want to look that up too. Basically, maybe start doing a little research on where you can find help....there's more out there than you think. Don't let him isolate you.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

This seems to be way bigger than just financial problems. Talk to him about your relationship and what changes he would like to see for things to improve. Don't even bring up your issues, just ask him what he wants. Try to do what he asks for a week and then come back to him and tell him your issues as kindly as possible. Remember this is not about right and wrong, if your going to stay. It's about trying to solve your issues, even if he is the one most at fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

norajane said:


> Then you should spend your time looking up the divorce laws in your state so that you understand your rights, and what to expect.
> 
> He's keeping you penniless so you can't escape him. That's how abusive people gain power; they keep you helpless. Get that job as soon as you can and keep that money separate.


I suspect the OP is not in the United States...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sae,
Do you live in the US?

Could you take in one child for day care? 
Or at least start baby sitting? 

Reason I'm asking is that you NEED to break his total monopoly on household money. 

Oh - and what he is doing is not legal in the United States. And most places have 'legal aid'. These folks will help you for little or no charge. 

For now - I suggest you read about doing the '180' in a marriage. It's a way to detach from an emotionally abusive partner. 

I don't use that term - emotional abuse - lightly. But this is a clear cut case of it. 

Doing a 180 will help you. And it might wake him up. 



Sae761 said:


> Thank you everyone for your responses.
> 
> I have thought heavily about getting a job again when my youngest turns 1 and your responses seem to point that idea is the best.
> 
> ...


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## Sae761 (Dec 16, 2015)

I'm in canada. There's legal aid here yes, I've met with them already in my province ... they won't do property seperation and I left I'd be essentially "forfeiting" those rights. It's a complicated situation 

What is this 180? Sounds interesting ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sae761 said:


> Thank you everyone for your responses.
> 
> I have thought heavily about getting a job again when my youngest turns 1 and your responses seem to point that idea is the best.
> 
> ...


I think that it might benefit you to find an organization that gives supports to victims of abuse. Yes he is abusing you... one of the abuses is financial. By him handling the money as he is, he is keeping you destitute to the point that it gives him 100% control.

The counseling can help you in a lot of way. They can help you identify resources that can help you. They can help you build an exit plan or a plan for getting yourself in a stronger position in the marriage.

And if you decide to divorce, they often have lists of attorneys that will help by giving your free legal services.

Depending on where you live, you probably actually have the right to 50% of any assets and cash he has. They can be found and a court will get for you what you are entitled to.

Use this time wisely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sae761 said:


> I'm in canada. There's legal aid here yes, I've met with them already in my province ... they won't do property seperation and I left I'd be essentially "forfeiting" those rights. It's a complicated situation
> 
> What is this 180? Sounds interesting ...


Look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below.

Forget legal aid. Go to domestic abuse organization. They get into counseling, get to know them. They should have a list of attorneys who will help you.

Sometimes the attorneys will ask the judge to have their fees paid out of marital assets. That mean that the court will make your husband pay for your attorney.

Years ago, in the 1996 when I was going through a divorce from an abusive husband I went to that domestic abuse support organization. There I got into group counseling. I met another woman who was going through the same thing. Since that time we have been very close. We helped each other through our divorces, to raise our children, etc. 

She was sure that she could never get a a good job though she had a college degree in technology. I did her resume and pushed her to interview. She's been earning 6 figures ever since. Sometimes we just need someone to believe in us.

Now that our children are grown.. we are still each other's main support system. 

I'm telling you this because you say you have no family. You need to build a 'family'. You might find some serious support from one or more women going through a similar situation.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd suggest getting a job but that doesn't solve your primary issue. Your primary problem is you have a guy living with you who isn't your partner. In a partnership, money is "our" money and bills are "our" bills. Having your own career will take much of the arrogant wind from his sail. He will realize you aren't with him out of necessity but out of choice. You will have other obvious, viable options.

When folks marry neither has any idea what the earning capability or the expenses of their partner might end up being. Today, I'm working and my wife doesn't. Next month, I might be disabled and unemployed and she might have to carry the major weight. If the joint choice was you leave the work force and be full time mother, then that choice involves him being the primary breadwinner without lording it over your head and without being arrogant, selfish, or resentful about it. His income was cut in half so he's living proof that crap happens. It could be cut in half again or disappear entirely. He may not believe in child support but every judge I've ever met did. Naturally, the custodial parent would receive the child support. Does he believe children pay mortgages and light bills? I don't see a lot of kids leaping out of their car seats to pump gas or run in and buy groceries.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

He might _think _that his money is his money, but I have a feeling that the Courts will see things differently, OP. You need to find out where you stand legally and focus on regaining your power. Right now your H is holding all the cards, and what he's doing amounts to financial abuse. Although it can be subtle, financial abuse is definitely abuse, and can trap victims as effectively as the most brutal violence.

You really do need to regain your independence from this man by getting back into the work place, OP. I would also be considering whether I really wanted to be married to someone like him...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

If he doesn't want you to work, then your would need to be budgeted a financial allowance that is yours.
If you don't want to work/would prefer not to work, then that is your consumer choice and get to face your own choices (especially if you haven't got passive income or homebased business).
It depends who is the consumer making the decision.

There are many excellent reasons for you to spend time with the children when they are young, if that is the way your brain and body want to go; and if you partner is keen on that then as a couple there needs to be a decision on what the couples' budget can afford to allow you. Modern wages and costs simply aren't sufficient for 1950's style culture without significant sacrifices.

The best places are family councilors, plunket, and abuse centers. Also citizens advice bureaus often have excellent contacts (usually the abuse center). If your prick of a husband won't let you travel/use a car then the abuse center is your much needed first stop asap, and get your head sorted out. Often they will pay for a taxi, even if you have to get a random neighbour to phone. Failing that ring police and ask for them to help you get to the abuse center/shelter - but don't muck these people around, be prepared to listen hard.

Yes it will hurt your husband, and he will be angry. But you both only get one life to live, and he can't spend his robbing you of yours (or vice versa, if it is really you who refuses to work  )


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with Ele, you are being financially abused, seek help from a domestic violence organisation. What he is doing would be illegal in my country (Australia) my guess is that it would also be considered illegal in yours. 

He is an abuser and you are a victim, get help immediately.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

What's he planning on doing with the money from the sale of one of your homes? You sound hopeful about it. Did you both go into the marriage owning your own homes?


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

norajane said:


> Sorry, but he sounds like an asshat. Why are you married to a man like this? No, seriously? Why do you stay with a man who treats you like crap?
> 
> Leave him and get a job. Don't get married again unless you know for sure that he's not an asshat.


I can think of many words to describe this man. Asshat is good...but I know better ones. >


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Holland said:


> I agree with Ele,* you are being financially abused, seek help from a domestic violence organisation.* What he is doing would be illegal in my country (Australia) my guess is that it would also be considered illegal in yours.
> 
> He is an abuser and you are a victim, get help immediately.


Great advice Holland.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Sae761 said:


> I'm in canada. There's legal aid here yes, I've met with them already in my province ... they won't do property seperation and I left I'd be essentially "forfeiting" those rights. It's a complicated situation
> 
> What is this 180? Sounds interesting ...


That is not how it is in Canada. It is pretty straight forward what would happen. Most provinces have tables that are used to calculate child support and alimony. 

All Assets and Debts will be split 50/50.  

If you met with legal aid, you need to go meet with someone else because you got bad advice.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I wish I could give good advice on what is available in Canada. But we have quite a few Canadians here who can help.

Controlling someone financially or in ANY way is abusive. He's keeping you where he wants you. Powerless and destitute. No real man wants that for his wife and family. And a real couple consults each other on large purchases. And holidays a pretermined amount to spend on presents is the norm. 

The sooner you are away from him, the easier it will be on the children. Their normal will be with parents in separate homes. I know it seems dauntingly impossible but it isn't. There are LOTS of women who manage to raise children alone. Plenty more who do it with the help of a divorced parent. Do you want your children to reach an age where they want to join a sports team but you can't buy the gear because it's HIS money? Those are his children and they deserve to be cared for with a portion of his money. You are a human being who deserves to be able to have a few new items of clothing and a hair cut if you want one. That isn't being extravagant. You are letting him tell you what you are worth. You are worth a LOT more than he realizes. Show him that.

Don't wait. You can pump and they will feed your baby in daycare. Or maybe they will allow you to live in the house and he can keep the other one. Regardless, do something NOW, not when your child is a year. 6 months is a long time to be further torn down.


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

I make about 5K more than your husband a year but we have three children (10, 3, and 1). She does get a small amount of support for the oldest one (dad isn't in the picture), but most of that goes right back out for all the activities he is in. 

All of the bills come out of my checking account, but we decided it was best for her to stay at home right now because we would end up paying a large amount of her take-home pay for daycare. Even after all of this though, I have never told her she wasn't allowed new clothes or a haircut or any of those things. We have talked and she waits sometimes until a sale is going on for clothes or a seasonal special on a hair cut. Sometimes it is only until the next pay since I've paid all the monthly bills from this pay. 

It is a difficult situation and I probably don't tell her enough how much I appreciate what she does. I would dump this guy as soon as you can.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Sae761 said:


> It's not a happy marriage unfortunately. But we are stuck with each other if for no reasons other than our kids, money and not wanting to be alone.
> 
> He would never watch the children while I worked. I doubt he would pay any portion of daycare either so that I could work (he has actually said that he won't pay for childcare so I can make my own money).
> 
> ...


Get. A. Job. Now.

You will be divorced in less than 10 years. Better get working on your professional skills now. Even if your income barely covers daycare, you are investing in your future earnings by working now. You will need it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heatherknows said:


> I can think of many words to describe this man. Asshat is good...but I know better ones. >


We try to keep it clean here.. though sometimes even that fails .. >


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Sounds to me like you married a controlling ass hole.... It is his duty to take care of you, if he won't go back to work... Screw him


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Sae, my heart goes out to you. I feel so bad you're in this situation. I also feel very worried you won't take the advice to get out or at least get on your feet. Your husband sounds like an uncaring, controlling person. You are being abused. I'm especially concerned because people being abused often lose their confidence and think they can't do better or that they deserve their situation. This is not true at all. You can do better and you deserve better.

I strongly recommend you get divorced and deal with the consequences. I don't feel he will change in any significant way and he'll actually get worse over time. Get out now, deal with the temporary hardship, get back on your feet, and have a great life. Your kids will thank you.

Don't believe anything your husband says about financial support. The courts are there to make sure the finances are fair after divorce. Talk to your local women's group and legal advocacy groups to see what your rights are and what social programs you qualify for. You may be able to get help with food and housing as you're getting back on your feet.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Holland said:


> I agree with Ele, you are being financially abused, seek help from a domestic violence organisation. What he is doing would be illegal in my country (Australia) my guess is that it would also be considered illegal in yours.
> 
> He is an abuser and you are a victim, get help immediately.


What Holland said. Do this OP for you and your children.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

ZDog377 said:


> We have talked and she waits sometimes until a sale is going on for clothes or a seasonal special on a hair cut. Sometimes it is only until the next pay since I've paid all the monthly bills from this pay.
> 
> It is a difficult situation and I probably don't tell her enough how much I appreciate what she does. I would dump this guy as soon as you can.


Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc. But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses. 

I don't work outside the home and I don't spend money unless it's something that's an absolute need. I bet I'm the better deal.

If the OP's husband can't appreciate what she *is* contributing then he's an idiot.


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## Sae761 (Dec 16, 2015)

Small update: 

I have found a lawyer who is willing to deal with property division and be paid put of the settlement . I can go through legal aid for child support & spousal support . 

This potentially allows me to get on my feet, finish my education and support myself . 

Thank you for the comments everyone .


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I have to say the guys seems like a jerk. I am the sole income in our family. My wife does not have to ask for an allowance. We have a JOINT checking account. Marriage is "and now you are one." We take that to mean financially as well. We decided long ago for her to stop working outside the home and be there to raise the kids.

I get disgusted at guys that try to shut everything down. He needs to realize that by you staying home, it is allowing him to increase in his career more than if you were not a stay at home parent. Therefore, you have helped him to attain what he has in work and you should share in that.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I wish I could give good advice on what is available in Canada. But we have quite a few Canadians here who can help.


Canadian divorce laws are very similar to California divorce laws. Straight equitable split of the marital home...almost automatic spousal support (alimony) and child support based on a standard table. Straight equitable split on asset gains and losses during the time of the marriage between valuation dates (marriage date and separation date).

She's got nothing to worry about unless there's a ton of debt that he's racked up during their short marriage.

And they have the same access to legal aid and initial free consults at most lawyer's offices.



> Small update:
> 
> I have found a lawyer who is willing to deal with property division and be paid put of the settlement . I can go through legal aid for child support & spousal support .
> 
> ...


Very well done! I know its tough to get this started, takes some bravery to stand up to a bully but, in my opinion, you're doing the right thing.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Sae761 said:


> Small update:
> 
> I have found a lawyer who is willing to deal with property division and be paid put of the settlement . I can go through legal aid for child support & spousal support .
> 
> ...


Good for you. Do what you need to do to become independant. 

I am curious...if he doesn't give you access to any money -how do you even shop for food?

Was his family like this?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> He has always said that his money is his, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra ... I have never seem any of his statements and have to take his word on his debts, income and assets.


this is what I got out of your initital post. Your husband does not see himself in a marriage with you.

Look up domestic abuse / violence in Wikipedia. It says there that withholding money from a spouse is one form of abuse.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Heatherknows said:


> Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc. *But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. *So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses.


Not "a lot", I think. You might be referring to women (and men, comes in both gender flavours) who think their part-time "work" rates the same as that of their spouses who truly carry the load of supporting the home?

I definitely spend some of my income on manicures, a housecleaner, flattering clothes, a trainer... and my husband LOVES how I look and is proud that we stand very elegantly beside each other when we socialize. 

(Wo)men who stay at home should be thoughtful to make sure they find some way to stay connected to their spouses. Respect is earned, and spouses need to make sure their values are aligned in this regard.

I think some stay at home mom's find women like me intimidating. That lack of confidence is communicated to their spouses, which is unattractive. Know where you provide value and be confident in your own right, not by way of comparison to others who demonstrate their value differently.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I definitely spend some of my income on manicures, a housecleaner, flattering clothes, a trainer... and my husband LOVES how I look and is proud that we stand very elegantly beside each other when we socialize.


I can't say I spend much of my money on manicures and stuff like that. I like making my own vegan facial mixes at home and pedicure night is something me and my daughter do together.

But my wardrobe and home are beautiful and I make zero apologies for that. Its mine, and like a responsible adult, I earned it and I bought it.

I'm mostly a saver but if I want something, I buy whatever I want. I can afford it. I don't have to rely on anyone else for money and don't have to economize with anyone else's money either....nor would I ever want to. 

Whether you stay home or not, you should have the means to provide for yourself in the event of a marital breakdown. I'm very glad that the OP is making this move because no woman should have to be dependent on a man for the care of herself and her children. Especially because it sets up a very inequitable power structure.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sapientia said:


> You will be divorced in less than 10 years.


And if you continue in the current situation without divorcing, you will be a shell of your former self. Being treated like a servant, and disrespected will wear on you. He will eventually tire of you and you will end up having given your young and strong years raising your children, but have little energy left when you will need it for getting back on your own feet.

Do not tolerate the current situation, and start making a plan, and following through with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heatherknows said:


> Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc.* But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses.
> *
> 
> I don't work outside the home and I don't spend money unless it's something that's an absolute need. I bet I'm the better deal.
> ...


I find the underlined part pretty insulting. I'm sure that there are some selfish women who do that. But the vast majority of women who work use their income to support their family.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Heatherknows said:


> Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's funny, *so many women who work outside the home brag about how they can do it all work and do housework etc. But a lot of them take that lovely salary and spend it on manicures, eating out with the girls, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc. So that lovely salary isn't really helping out with the household expenses.
> *
> I don't work outside the home and I don't spend money unless it's something that's an absolute need. I bet I'm the better deal.
> 
> If the OP's husband can't appreciate what she *is* contributing then he's an idiot.


I've never known a single woman who has got to do this! There might be some who actually exist, but I've never met any of them. Wow!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I agree. The women I know who work spend most of their money on things combined with their spouses. Some work and support husbands who stay at home. 

Sure, some women and some men spend money frivolously and selfishly. Heck I spend money pretty frivolously when I come to think of it. 



EleGirl said:


> I find the underlined part pretty insulting. I'm sure that there are some selfish women who do that. But the vast majority of women who work use their income to support their family.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I agree. The women I know who work spend most of their money on things combined with their spouses. Some work and support husbands who stay at home.
> 
> Sure, some women and some men spend money frivolously and selfishly. Heck I spend money pretty frivolously when I come to think of it.


My father's system was to pay the mortgage then have my mother pay for _everything_ else (including food, clothing etc) out of her income and do all the housework on her day off (he would have laughed at even washing a dish!). We were a family of 8 and he always had lots of money to spend on himself and was out with his friends every night.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I find the underlined part pretty insulting. I'm sure that there are some selfish women who do that. But the vast majority of women who work use their income to support their family.


Funny, I know sahm's that spend the day at the gym, drinking wine, getting their nails done and b!tching about how hard they have it. Maybe I should make generalizations about how I'm a much better deal, since I pay a big chunk of the bills.

But there are plenty that aren't like that. 

That's the problem with putting down others to make yourself feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I find the underlined part pretty insulting. I'm sure that there are some selfish women who do that. But the vast majority of women who work use their income to support their family.





Cosmos said:


> I've never known a single woman who has got to do this! There might be some who actually exist, but I've never met any of them. Wow!


I didn't mean to insult anyone. Sorry if I did. I *DO* know many working women who use their salary and some of their husbands salary and spend it on themselves. 

In my quote I said "a lot" not most or all.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have a lot of respect for working moms. They do the jobs that my husband and I do, combined. 

And if divorce is involved, they often do not get child support, either. They carry the load all by themselves. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

jld said:


> I have a lot of respect for working moms. They do the jobs that my husband and I do, combined.
> 
> And if divorce is involved, they often do not get child support, either. They carry the load all by themselves.


Or some, like me, actually *pay it*. 

I speak from experience when I say that spouses who stay home with the kids and don't invest some effort staying in the workforce are taking a big gamble on their future security. 

Even for couples that do beat the odds and stay married, it's silly. All those lost earnings and income splitting that could have contributed to a much more secure retirement for both of them. Once kids are in school there are few excuses to stay home, IMO, except laziness.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Sae761, I live in Canada, and my soon to be ex husband seems to have some personality as yours.

When our daughter was born and I lost my source of income, I was financially abused - my ex did not share his income. Although he paid rent and utilities, bought groceries, he gave me absolutely no money. So, i had no money for my own clothing, food that I'd like, make up, personal hygiene stuff etc.

When our daughter was just 5 months old I had to get part time job so I could have paid my own bills without building debts.
In one year I had a full time job and I become financially independent. Suddenly my ex remembered that we were married and wanted to control my expenses without showing any of his.

So, speaking about getting help, I was desperate and depressed before I got a job, applying to any kind of social services, legal aid and help to abused women. Majority of them were useless.

The only help you can get there is compassion, chit-chat - lots of blablabla, counselling (same blablabla) and references to other organizations. Most of those references were wrong or not working. Legal help was completely basic - something you can google yourself.

As long as abuse is not physical, it's very hard to prove. So, you may not be qualified for women shelter (maybe it's for better as it's not very nice place to be). You may be qualified for financial assistance if you leave your husband, but the amount is so small, not even enough for rent unless it's a basement or other shared living.

What your husband does to you is a big red flag. It's not going to be any better. Maybe I am too sour due to my experience, but I'd advise to get a job as soon as possible and not to rely on social services.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sae761 said:


> He absolutely hates the idea of daycare, and wants me to stay home until they go to school.
> 
> He works full time, making 50k/year. This is a drastic decrease for him
> 
> ...


"Husband, you have proven to be incapable of properly supporting your wife and child. I reject your PERSONAL belief that it's a woman's job to stay at home and that you owe me nothing financially. I will therefore be getting a job.'


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sae761 said:


> And sadly, the scare tactics doesn't work. He is aware that #1 I can't afford a lawyer if we were to seperate and #2 he hedges his bets based on the fact I won't leave because it's so difficult being a mom alone with two little babies...
> 
> Oh and Ps - we definitely aren't having more children.


Nonsense. Look for a lawyer who will take your case on contingency, or on payments on your credit card. Eventually, HE WILL be paying you once you are divorced (I assume you're in a Western country?). Whether he wants to or not. You're being emotionally abused. Locate women's organizations in your area and start visiting them and getting them to help you get your ducks in a row.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Sae761 said:


> I gave up my job to stay at home with them. *He absolutely hates the idea of daycare*, and wants me to stay home until they go to school.
> 
> *He has always said that his money is his*, and that's that. He says things like his duty is to the kids and *he is not required to support me so anything he does for me is extra* ... I have never seem any of his statements and have to take his word on his debts, income and assets.
> 
> Should I be more understanding and just accept he makes the money so it's his choice how to spend it?


This sounds to me like a very controlling H. Contact a woman's shelter to find out what services are available.

A marriage is about two people coming together. In your case you have to stay home because he doesn't like childcare, you can't work, his money is his, your financial needs aren't his problem. Where's the relationship? It sounds like prison without the bars. You deserve better !

You asked for a guys perspective so ,,,, I don't think you should accept his behavior. He doesn't sound respectful or loving in my opinion. He isn't going to change on his own. 

You will have to be the one who causes change by looking into strategies for dealing with controlling and emotionally abusive spouses. It may not change his behavior but i sincerely hope it changes you and gives you the strength to get to a better place.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

turnera said:


> "Husband, you have proven to be incapable of properly supporting your wife and child. I reject your PERSONAL belief that it's a woman's job to stay at home and that you owe me nothing financially. I will therefore be getting a job.'


Booyah.


Take action.


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