# How do you know when it's okay to give up on your marriage?



## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

Marriage is a big deal to me. I take my vows very seriously. I said I would stick it out through the good and bad, sickness and health and I fully intended to do that. We have only been married 11 months and things were near perfect for the first 6 months. Then at around 8 months things were fine one week and just fell apart the next. Its been going downhill and has been up and down up and down with a lot of down ever since. I am just so distraught. I want to have our marriage back and I feel like he doesnt but then he wont say he wants a divorce or he wants to split up he just says Im an a*hole and you cant handle it if you want to leave I wont stop you. But at the same time he says hes not changing for anyone and its not personal he just likes who he is. 
How do you know when there is still hope? How do you know when there isnt and its okay to end the marriage? What do you do if you have no money, car, or place to go? 
Im confused, upset, and tired. Any advice will be greatly appreciated


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Aside from calling you an a**hole, what is it that you two fight about? what is it you want him to change?


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

I'm struggling with the same question. My husband left two months ago, and I'm not sure if he'll file for divorce - my guess is he will if he finds another woman, or if I somehow piss him off enough. Right now, I am still committed to working on the marriage if he will join me. Eventually, though, I will have to decide when I've had enough. I am seeing a therapist, who I hope can help me figure out what I want in this regard.

As for not having money, or anywhere to go, can you try to find a support group in your area (phone or email someone for advice and local support)? Or if there is abuse, can you find a shelter to go to? What about your family? Mine lives 800 miles away, but someone would drive down and get me, and give me a bed until I figured out what to do. If you can live peacefully (if not lovingly) in the same home with him, can you save up enough money to get somewhere?

Do you have health insurance that will cover a therapist/marriage counselor?



> Aside from calling you an a**hole


I thought he was calling himself an a*hole.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

al_in_al said:


> I thought he was calling himself an a*hole.


oh ya, you're right. i miss read.


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## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh I am sorry for the confusion. He did not call ME and a*hole, HE said "Im an a*hole and you cant handle it"
Well, my husband is in the air force. I was living in the dorm of a four year college when he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I knew him for several years before he joined the military, but because of his job we dated apart from each other. I am not the kind of person who dates for fun, so I have previously been in serious relationships where Ive lived with the man and talked about future, etc. So I knew what sharing finances and responsibilities was like. I talked to him and asked him questions like would we buy groceries together did he understand wed have to discuss finances and pay bills together and he always said of course Im not dumb I know. He made me think I was very special and important to him and that he needed me in his life. I knew we were young (I was 19 and he was 21), but I thought that because we were so compatible and got along well that we could make a marriage work.

When we dated, he had my picture on his computer background. He called me every single night and we talked. He sounded excited to hear from me and he would talk to his friends about me and to me about his friends. The day we got married, I feel like he instantly got used to my presence and felt like okay im done no more work is needed. Weve NEVER gone grocery shopping as spouses (we did when friends and dating). He doesnt help me clean the house at all even when he sees Im struggling. But, he has a really good job and for the first 10 months of our marriage I was unemployed. 

What changed was at the last base I knew his friends, knew where he went, and he wasnt very secretive. But about a week before he was scheduled to go to another military base, he drastically changed out of nowhere. He started going out all day and staying out late at night. I didnt know who he was with or where he was. When I tried to contact him he gave me an attitude. He texted a lot on his phone when he was home and he kept his phone on him all day. When I asked him if he was cheating on me he got really angry at me for accusing him of that. Ever since we moved here in January, I feel like he isnt proud of me anymore. He has lots of friends here and I have not been introduced to a single one. I dont know where he goes when he goes out- hes even been out of state and didnt tell me for weeks. At the last base, we went out to eat or to the movies EVERY weekend. Since we moved here we havent been a single place together. hes been shopping at the mall, out to eat, to the movies, on a ski trip, etc. 

Ive been upset about all this and thats what I keep bringing up to him. He just says well this is the real me I have been trying to be someone our whole marriage and I was unhappy and now I just want to be me and enjoy my personality. He says im not special and he isnt going to change for me. He blames everything on me and says Ive become overemotional and Ive been depressed and until I stop being depressed hes going to be mean to me and not want to be around me. The only reason Im bummed out is because of the way he treats me! 

He is supposed to go training for several months in the summer and he said he is required to take our only family vehicle. I could not believe he would take our car and strand me here when I work and we have dogs and I need groceries, etc. We are in the south and it will be HOT and he doesnt even care! I couldnt believe the miltiary would force him to strand his spouse here. So I kept bringing it up to him and he said Im taking the car Im taking the car. So finally I called his superior and just simply said I was confused and wanted this clarified because it made no sense to me. He said it was false information and that they wouldnt allow that. When I told my husband, he became furious and pinned me down and was physically antagonizing me. He spit on me and pinched my nose and was putting his fingers in my mouth. I left the house that night and in the morning called his superior to tell him how he reacted and the military police took my husband from the home and had him under room arrest in the inn on base for 72 hours. He told them in the incident report that I hit him so we both got charged with battery towards a family member. Now his mother says she hates me and his sisters want to hurt me. I really thought after the 72 hours he would be furious with me, but he just said I dont want any problems. I asked him if he wanted to divorce and he said I just dont want any problems.
After a few days I thought there was no hope but then finally one day we talked and we just talked about everything and all was great for about two-three days. Then he just started acting like his old self again. But today, the incident came up again because we had to sign paperwork for the charge and he said that it was stupid of me to call the authorities and that I had been overreacting and he pretty much blamed the entire thing on me! and I had told him it upset me that his family doesnt like me and I think that will make the future uncomfortable and he said that is between u all its not my problem!

I just dont know what to do. I dont have my own family that I can turn to. I got married planning for forever, so I havent been saving my own money. I dont have my own car. Im distraught. I feel like he lied to me when we got married. I think he realizes now that married life isnt for him and hes not ready for it, but were already married! Im hurt, upset, confused, and lost


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## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

al_in_al said:


> Do you have health insurance that will cover a therapist/marriage counselor?
> 
> .


Yes, I went to see one and told her the situation. But all she said was that the next step was to talk to him and he is not willing to go.

Also, after our "incident", they made each of us speak with a family advocacy person on base and I am supposed to start working at the daycare on base and my application process is being held up because they said they had to get that cleared up first. Since we have military insurance, I dont know if it will be held against me to continue with any form of counseling


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Wow. Im so sorry. I really feel for you. Please do not confront him anymore. His temper will probably get worse. But good for you for reporting him! 

I think you can feel in your heart its over, you just have no where to go. is there someone from your work you can stay with until you get on your feet? do you really not want to divorce him? 

If there's no where for you to go, start saving up money now. open your own bank account and put a little away every month. Can you do that?


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## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

He is trying to make me feel bad for reporting him. He said I f*ed over his job and I did this and I did that but he doesnt ever say any of it was his fault. 
I wanted to save up and leave but it is so hard! I was working as a waitress and making good money but I was working so hard and I was exhausted coming home to the house being messy and having to clean and he doesnt pay any attention to the dogs so they were jumping all over me and I was just drained. We still owe money on our car and for my school so all the money is going to that and even when I do save up money I know I will just need so much more if I want a car and to pay car insurance and my cell phone bill and then living expenses and where would I live and its hard to find an apt that accepts pets. 
Saving up just seems so hard and impossible and scary and some days are good between us some are okay and some are really bad and i cant imagine being here a minute longer
divorce just seems so big and scary and awful to me. Its not that I think i cant find someone else or anything or that i even want anyone else right now but im so used to this and ive been planning our life together and it would just be so different to go from having health insurance and military benefits and a car and money and a home to just struggling and being alone
and i was supposed to start working at the daycare on base, but because of the incident and the hold up I dont know if they will clear me to work there and it was supposed to be 10.66 an hour and i was really counting on it. I was working as a waitress until last week, but my husband got his wisdom teeth pulled and was in a lot of pain and I do still care about him and Im not a mean person so I took off to take care of him and got fired!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

YoungMilitarySpouse said:


> divorce just seems so big and scary and awful to me. Its not that I think i cant find someone else or anything or that i even want anyone else right now but im so used to this and ive been planning our life together and it would just be so different to go from having health insurance and military benefits and a car and money and a home to just struggling and being alone


I do understand what you mean. sometimes fighting what you already know is much easier then walking into uncertainty. Ive certainly had my battles with my H and often wondered why i dont leave. 

You'll have to decide which fight you want to get into. You know what the days hold if you stay. It'll be more of the same because he's not willing to change. But if you're not ready to leave, dont force yourself. Just remember that you can leave. 

If you decide to stay, you'll have to realize you cannot expect him to be there for you. he's out in left field. make sure you take care of your own emotional needs. Get involved with your community, make some friends, find some hobbies. and leave him alone.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Oh Hell no... Now that I've read that post... Young.... LEAVE HIM


My ex husband was Also in the Airforce, he was the same way, and he was physically abusive, and he used the Same exact tactics.... Saying that me turning him in, would be Me ruining His career..

Get out, I dont' care where, just dump his sorry a**...
Read the post where you told us what he did to you, reread it again and again... there is no other solution here, other than to leave him, he's nuts...

He sat on top of you, pinched your nose, SPIT on you, stuck his fingers in your mouth?? If you stay, the violence will only escalate... 

If you don't have any friends/family, then get to a shelter. You simply cannot stay with a psycho like him. He's already proved he is totally willing to hold you out over the sacrificial fire, to his family and isn't intent on being a loving , protective husband...

Please leave him, ASAP... As the family guidance center on base for assitance in getting out. They can direct you to who you need to talk to , to leave him.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Listen, you have no control over him. If he is walking all over you and he knows it (says he is an *******) you need to realize it is not your fault. That's his decision, his actions, his responsibility, and you need to decide what YOU are going to do for your benefit and well being. You have control of your life and your actions have consequences. You need to be responsible for yourself and let him be responsible for himself. please dont have kids, it doesnt solve anything. 

Its time to move on...why fight trains?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and from what you have said it seems unlikely that he will ever change - he sees no need or reason to do so. He is abusive and it will only get worse...and if you were to ever have children with him, then how would you feel about him treating them with the same level of contempt that he displays towards you...or even have them seeing him treat you like crap and developing an unhealthy view of what marriage is supposed to be.
Leaving is hard - I know this, because it is exactly what I am in the process of doing, but I'm nearly 12 years into the marriage and have 4 children....
Would your family take you in temporarily until you can get your feet back under you?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

He's having an affair is what it sounds like to me. 

As for the abuse, GET OUT! 

If there are no kids, get the marriage annulled. Ask his superior about shelters and help by the military for spouses. That will definately piss him off more, but it's a start on getting out. 

You aren't damaging his career/job; HE IS. 

It's probably way too late, but I presume they documented the abuse to you physically, you should have had his compaint documented (that you hit him), also.


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