# H is whole package EXCEPT sex. Am i ungrateful?



## sad2014 (Sep 11, 2014)

I feel guilty & ungrateful, that I need/want more... A lot of people, i know, do not have it as good as me. 
He is a great guy- smart, funny, kind, attractive. We've been together 4 years total, married for 2. We are both mid twenties. 


He doesn't go out drinking all night, or refuse to help with chores. We have regular date nights, and share most of each other's interests and hobbies. 

We both love each other and are pretty compatible EXCEPT for in the bedroom. While he's very affectionate with me (we are always holding hands, cuddling, hugging, etc) when it comes to sex he just does not seem all that interested. 


He doesn't ever turn me down when I initiate, but he never initiates himself. I can go a month without initiating and he is just fine with it. When I do initiate, he does not seem that into it. He says he enjoys it, but displays no passion. He's finished in 5-10 minutes, and then he goes to sleep. 

I've tried everything to get him more interested in it... even asked him what I can do to make it better for him and want it more... he says nothing he likes sex with me fine. I ask if he has any fantasies we can explore- he says no, he doesn't think about that things like that. I outright say i need more effort from him- he agrees and then doesn't put forth any. 


I don't think he's having an affair, we both have passwords to each other's phone/email, and I know his work schedule well.
He doesn't watch porn at all, so he's not comparing me to anyone.
I don't think it's low t... he works out daily, gets morning wood, and doesn't have a problem getting it up when we do have sex. 

I just... don't know what to do or think anymore.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

was it always like that? or is this only after marriage?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Welcome to the world of disparate sexual interest. 

You'll get all kinds of advice about getting his testosterone level checked, diet, exercise, and a dozen other things, but at the end of the day, he doesn't have the same desire for a sexual relationship as you have, and chances are very slim that he ever will.

You're not selfish or ungrateful, and he's probably not anything other than simply being who he is either. Neither one of you is wrong. Neither one of you is very likely to change either, except as a self-imposed willful change in behavior that doesn't match your internal desire.

Some may call that cynical, and I'm sorry if it sounds unhelpful, and maybe I'm wrong. I'll be taking wagers in the back.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

You have to ask yourself, are you willing to live the rest of your life or however long this marriage lasts, to live without the passion and sex?

Some people are just like that, sex / passion is completely unimportant to them.

For others, like myself, it's like being put in prison to not have it. I'd rather be single and sexless than married and sexless.

I can live without it for a while, but after a period of time, it's like a thirst that can't be quenched, and I've gotta have it. This would not work for me.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Welcome to the world of disparate sexual interest.
> 
> You'll get all kinds of advice about getting his testosterone level checked, diet, exercise, and a dozen other things, but at the end of the day, he doesn't have the same desire for a sexual relationship as you have, and chances are very slim that he ever will.
> 
> ...


Yup, you're 1000000% correct. Call a spade a spade.

And what often sucks is that the other partner is not a bad person, just sorely lacking in this area. That makes it even tougher. Wouldn't it be great if the other partner was a complete loser and jerk??


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Welcome to the world of disparate sexual interest.
> 
> You'll get all kinds of advice about getting his testosterone level checked, diet, exercise, and a dozen other things, but at the end of the day, he doesn't have the same desire for a sexual relationship as you have, and chances are very slim that he ever will.
> 
> ...


Maybe both of you should read "5 Love Languages". Sounds like you are relatively happy together. You may need to figure out what each person needs to feel connected/loved. You obviously need sex and he needs to know that from a source other than you.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

You are soooo not alone. Good thing you came here after 2 years and not 12 or 22 like some of us. 

You should read CW's thread if you haven't.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html

and you may like,

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/216729-10-signs-your-partner-ld.html


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sad2014;

how often do you two make love on average?


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> You have to ask yourself, are you willing to live the rest of your life or however long this marriage lasts, to live without the passion and sex?
> 
> Some people are just like that, sex / passion is completely unimportant to them.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. I couldn't live without it. But my thinking is something doesn't sound right. Most guys in their 20's can go two three times a day and want more!!!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

so what if you find the guy that rocks your world in bed but sux at all the things your present man dose for you.

sometimes life is a trade off.


good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

so what if you find the guy that rocks your world in bed but sux at all the things your present man dose for you.

sometimes life is a trade off.


good luck.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

the problem is that the other compensatory benefits that he brings will be less and less important over time. Without intimacy the bond between man and wife are damaged. part of the reason that you light up when your significant other is around is that bond and that physical spark. 

right now her passion is still running high. but as many people have experienced once it becomes clear that nothing is going to change you fall into short of a resigned mode. and with that remains behind mode you get lazy and the rest of the relationship starts to be less important. 

in other words such a large difference in sexual appetite is surely going to erode marriage. 

it's also fairly damaging to feeling good about yourself. 

so my recommendation would be to get your head into a different space op. because if you maintain that sex is very important and you are not satisfied in this area it will undermine the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> so what if you find the guy that rocks your world in bed but sux at all the things your present man dose for you.
> 
> sometimes life is a trade off.
> 
> ...


It doesn't have to be a trade-off. I'd be very sorry if people couldn't find a suitable mate who could be decent in bed and everything else, within reason.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

This has been my situation for most of my marriage. My husbands is more of a medical problem. I think the key is to accept the situation and not get resentful about it. Odds are he isn't going to change so if you spend your whole marriage trying to change him then you are going to get very frustrated. Accept the situation, and concentrate on the good parts of him and your marriage. That's what works for me. The plus side is he doesn't turn you down.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> This has been my situation for most of my marriage. My husbands is more of a medical problem. I think the key is to accept the situation and not get resentful about it. Odds are he isn't going to change so if you spend your whole marriage trying to change him then you are going to get very frustrated. Accept the situation, and concentrate on the good parts of him and your marriage. That's what works for me. The plus side is he doesn't turn you down.


How do you get your needs taken care of? Does he mind if you get it from the outside since he can't provide it? 

Just curious.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sad2014 said:


> I ask if he has any fantasies we can explore- he says no, he doesn't think about that things like that.


that is the classic LD response! they never fantasize about sex. Hard to believe, I know, but its true.

so, sounds like the marriage is wonderful (as far as it can be) but just sexless. How about asking him if it is ok to have an outside sex partner? the three of you will complete one fulfilling marriage. If he is truly LD, he may go along with it. If he is not LD, it will be a wakeup call to his libido to seriously kick it up a notch.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Welcome to the world of disparate sexual interest.
> 
> You'll get all kinds of advice about getting his testosterone level checked, diet, exercise, and a dozen other things, but at the end of the day, he doesn't have the same desire for a sexual relationship as you have, and chances are very slim that he ever will.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Sadly, Cletus has hit the nail right on the head. There are women out there who are simply not interested in sex but are 'good' wives in every other aspect. There are also men, though I'd suspect significantly fewer, who are also just not interested in sex but who are otherwise 'good' husbands.

As sex isn't on their radar they never think about it without a prod therefore don't instigate. The chances of changing them are remote.

All you can do I'm afraid is accept that you will never have a good and satisfying sex life with your husband...or leave or get your sexual needs met outside the marriage (whether you do this with or without his blessing is up to you...)

Who said life and marriage were easy?!! Good luck!


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## ahsorandy (Sep 10, 2014)

sad2014 said:


> I feel guilty & ungrateful, that I need/want more... A lot of people, i know, do not have it as good as me.
> He is a great guy- smart, funny, kind, attractive. We've been together 4 years total, married for 2. We are both mid twenties.
> 
> 
> ...


Is it possible that your husband is a closet homosexual?

I had an Uncle that left my Aunt for another man after 10 years of marriage and 2 children.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> How do you get your needs taken care of? Does he mind if you get it from the outside since he can't provide it?
> 
> Just curious.


No I don't cheat. He satisfies me in other ways besides intercourse, oral, kissing, hugging, cuddling.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> the problem is that the other compensatory benefits that he brings will be less and less important over time. *Without intimacy the bond between man and wife are damaged.* part of the reason that you light up when your significant other is around is that bond and that physical spark...
> 
> in other words such a large difference in sexual appetite is surely going to erode marriage...
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Yes, Yes, YES!! Without "spark" and intimacy, you're just another family member. The sexual bond is what sets your marriage apart from all other relationships. Without a passionate sex life, you're just going through the motions of marriage.

I know. I did it for 20 years. *ugh*


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Yes, Yes, YES!! Without "spark" and intimacy, you're just another family member. The sexual bond is what sets your marriage apart from all other relationships. Without a passionate sex life, you're just going through the motions of marriage.
> 
> I know. I did it for 20 years. *ugh*


I agree with this. You need to understand you are young and you won't be able to live with this. He needs to change or you need out. One or the other will happen. Sorry. Good Luck


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sadly.

You will be tempted to cheat somewhere along the way. Most people have opportunity at one time or another but are not tempted. You will be tempted.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Sadly.
> 
> You will be tempted to cheat somewhere along the way. Most people have opportunity at one time or another but are not tempted. You will be tempted.


Clipclop... you've outdone yourself with outstanding advice on this thread. You should offer Skype seminars....


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

I am lost. She said the marriage is passionless, not sexless. Outside help unless previously discussed is a bad idea. You run into a man like me and your not going back to hubby

But seriously I totally understand what you mean. I ask myself am I selfish for wanting more "Passionate sex".


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I would try to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist. I don't think you should divorce over this as others have suggested.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Originally Posted by sad2014 said:


> I feel guilty & ungrateful, that I need/want more... A lot of people, i know, do not have it as good as me.
> He is a great guy- smart, funny, kind, attractive. We've been together 4 years total, married for 2. *We are both mid twenties*.
> 
> He doesn't go out drinking all night, or refuse to help with chores. We have regular date nights, and share most of each other's interests and hobbies.
> ...


Bits in bold are quite alarming...given his age.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

Did he have a strong religious upbringing? I've heard stories of folks who can't get beyond the idea that sexual thoughts are wicked.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The thoughts may be wicked but the act is not!


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## sad2014 (Sep 11, 2014)

Thank you everyone for replying. I will try to answer the questions people asked.

The person who asked if he was like this before marriage- I'm guessing he was, but I never realized it, because we did not have sex often. Not tons of opportunity because we were not able to live together before marriage- we both had to live in one room barracks with roommates (army), and hotels get expensive after a while. I guess at the time I just assumed we weren't going crazy at it all the time because we couldn't, not because he wasn't super interested. 

As for how often we make love currently, I usually break down once every other week and he goes along with it. I could do it more often if I wanted to, but it really depresses me because I want him to want me back, not just "go along."

The suggestion about asking him if I can see other people- out of frustration, one of the times we were discussing this issue, I asked him if he wanted an open relationship. That way I could find someone who was more interested in sleeping with me, and maybe he could find someone that made him want to sleep with them (because maybe I'm just not his type or something). He sad no and was very upset at the idea. I asked if he would leave me if I did it anyway, and he admitted he would not, but said it would make him depressed and he would love me less. It's not something I really want to do tho, i want to do it with HIM, because i love him... but i do wonder if in the future I will change my mind if things keep up this way. 

The person who asked if he might be gay, I will be honest it crossed my mind. He is one of those caring/sensitive types, and when we met I thought he might be because of that, but he claims he is not and that why do people think straight guys have to be jerks. I've never seen him looking at guys or anything.

Person who asked if he had a very religious upbringing, he did, but I don't think it affects him too much in this area, neither of us has been to church in years. 

The suggestion about 5 love languages and marriage counselor- he's not really open to talking to other people about our problems. He says all they do is get paid to talk and we can talk about things ourselves. We do talk about things, but it doesn't seem to solve any problems. I will ask him tonight if he will take the love language quiz online with me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi sad, 

I could have written your post. Except that I am mid 40's now and have been at this game for 19 years.

My DH is also a great, fun, caring man. I am happy with my life everywhere except sex. 

I don't know how you do with orgasms but it doesn't happen for me under the circumstances. The encounters are not exciting in general an I have years of feeling like it makes no difference to him to back up my feeling that it's not worth getting my hopes up. 

I guess the good news is you aren't alone but the bad news is that it isn't likely to get better. 

Like you I weigh all the good on one side and the sex I wish I had on the other hand. I still can't force myself into action. I don't want to leave him but then the thought of going my whole life without ever feeling wanted and desired is quite alarming as well. I don't like any of my sexual options. They all stink. Divorce, affair, give up, keep fighting.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Consider this. You will live your life unsatisfied. You will never truly be wanted the way you'd like. You are young. You can find another man who will have similar qualities, and added desire for you. 

If you stay, you will always question your decision. Your thoughts will invade the good things that happen within your life. You will always have this in the back of your mind and will never find peace. 

The likelihood that you will cheat is very high. It will get higher whey you become forty. 

I think you get a divorce and find your match. Don't waste another minute of your life or your husband's. I'm sure he doesn't know this. You could never tell him this and have him be happy with you. What does that tell you? It tells me you should take steps to get a divorce. He really doesn't know you. He did not marry the woman he thought he did. You baited and switched him. Set him free. Leave him alone to find a happy life and marriage, not one where you will never give him the satisfaction he deserves. You don't love him. You love the package he is wrapped in.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Require him to talk to someone else about this problem. 

That he would not leave you if you cheated must have made you feel awful. You aren't worth the effort for him into get worked up one way or the other.

My take is that he has no passion and will eventually bore you to death anyway. He is undermotivated and that will kill your feelings for him and harm your self-esteem. If he shows interest or passion for anything else you will begin to hate whatever it is.

I don't think that unless he will see someone that you can fix this.

But actually, I don't think you can fix this. I'm sorry.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel your pain OP. I remember it well and can relate to everything you're feeling.

My drive is much higher than my husbands, and at one point it was a big issue in our marriage - our only issue, but a big one unfortunately.

We wasted thousands of $ on counsellors, books etc. The fact is that he's just LD and doesn't think about sex that much. This issue was all the more frustrating, because he's sooooooo good in bed, such an attentive, giving lover - he literally leaves me breathless. Sometimes, he'll surprise me and does it more often now but that was after lots of tears and heartache.

What finally shocked him into action was me telling him while sobbing my heart out, that I was going to make an appointment with the doctor to get put on anti depressants - for the sole purpose of suppressing my sex drive. He was shocked and heartbroken, and it took that for him to finally realise the toll it was taking on me and how serious the problem was. I just couldn't take the rejection anymore.

We've both done a lot of compromising and reached a happy medium now, but it took a lot of work, a lot of tears and a heck of a lot of love to get here.

No amount of counselling, testosterone testing, reading books or talking will fix this honey, if he's LD he's LD and that's that.


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## stevesvws (May 13, 2013)

I suggest marriage counseling or a sex Therapist. You love him and he loves you. 

I was that guy. Been married 15 yrs now. He's not gay, he's just not experienced. Neither am I. There are just some mental issues and he's probably the classic nice guy syndrome that needs help. And he's in denial. 

Truth be told, I was that guy. I always think about sex wife my wife, but I am horrible at initiating sex because I have some sort of block that if I get shot down, or she's not in the mood that I'm doing something wrong. And then we have some kind or argument. 

I Iike sex and when my wife and When do it, it's great. 

10 yrs ago I had a surgery that messed up my look in my mind. I am a really good looking guy that gets looks from other women but I am extremely committed to my wife and kids so I always look the other way and don't give anyone else my attention. 

My wife is a great looking woman. But has a low self esteem about herself. But enjoys sex and say la she wants it often. 

But e gets up early, complains she's tired, or some other kind of perceived excuse. Yet I get blasted for not wanting her. Go figure, so I tend to back of on initiating. She initiates when she wants and I go along and all goes well. 

We had talks but I was in denial of the nice guy thing and never wanted any kind of conflict so I got what you would think. 

After 13 yrs of marriage, I got cheated on. Great. Short lives but I caught them and went completely crazy and changed as best I could. 

Now it's a new game of marriage. Parts I hate and parts I like. 

I hate that I have a whole other image of my perceived perfect wife. This haunts me daily but it's been almost 2 yrs and it's faded a lot. 

I like that we went to marriage counseling, that I got into really good shape. I read the no more mr nice guy book and have learned lots about myself. 

My wife learned a lot about herself and family genetics but hates that she ever cheated on me and the kids. This has been tough and it brings her down often. 

But together in many ways we are a better couple. 

Bottom line, if you cheat, you risk him, yourself and others hating you. Is that what you want? Plus the risk of getting you each an std. Nothing says love by cheating on your spouse unless your ....

You can take the fast easy route and divorce him. Our society is full of disposable crap. Is that what your husband is? That's just dumb like buying a new car when something needs fixed on the car you really like. 

You can get counseling, read the no more mr nice guy, married life sex primer and the 5 love languages. 

Get help, I never did, it was way too late in our marriage when I did. Another regret to add to the list.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

stevesvws said:


> ...
> You can take the fast easy route and divorce him. Our society is full of disposable crap. Is that what your husband is? That's just dumb like buying a new car when something needs fixed on the car you really like.
> ,,.


I hate reading crap like this.

Divorce is *NOT *easy. Quite contrary, getting married is way too easy. It's a one way street sometimes... people get married, and realizes too late that they married the wrong person.

Why is divorce viewed more negatively than couples who marry who aren't right for each other?

Getting married SHOULD be as difficult as divorce. These days no one questions if a couple wants to get married...everyone questions why they want to get divorced. Too late.

People who view divorce so negatively ought to do some real thinking about why the divorce had to happen in the first place... maybe the marriage should have never happened!

Getting married OUGHT to be as traumatic as getting divorced, if not more traumatic...that way people really think before they commit.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Not to mention the OP never said she wanted to divorce. What she wants is for her DH to desire her and share and intimacy with her that is so far missing. 

Unfortunately if you buy a new car and love everything about it - except the window doesn't work and is stuck open and you cant ever shut it and it's unfixable - it doesn't matter how nice the rest of the car is. It's annoying and will get on your every last nerve given enough time. 

You might come to think it doesn't matter now nice the rest of the car is or how great the car looks to other people - the stupid window won't shut and that is all you notice anymore!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I don't know how you do with orgasms but it doesn't happen for me under the circumstances. The encounters are not exciting in general and I have years of feeling like it makes no difference to him to back up my feeling that it's not worth getting my hopes up.


It really is hard to have orgasms when you have all that baggage. I'm struggling with it right now. Sex is much more exciting in my imagination than it is when I actually have it with my husband. 

So when I have sex, sometimes I just feel disappointed, because it doesn't live up to my expectations. The other day he was trying to "warm me up", but that entails him biting me and being rough. I kept telling him ouch, and that it isn't what I like. But he just kept insisting that he knew what I wanted. Instead of getting turned on, I really just wanted to pop him over the head. In the end I was just left feeling cranky, and frustrated.

I hesitate to use it, but boring is a good word for my sex life right now. It's hard to get enthused about it. Which in turn makes orgasm harder to achieve.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Curious and MissScarlett, I wish both of you could be with a man who wants you the way you want to be wanted just one time. I think it would change everything for you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> This has been my situation for most of my marriage. My husbands is more of a medical problem. I think the key is to accept the situation and not get resentful about it. Odds are he isn't going to change so if you spend your whole marriage trying to change him then you are going to get very frustrated. Accept the situation, and concentrate on the good parts of him and your marriage. That's what works for me. The plus side is he doesn't turn you down.




But your situation is different. Your husband's problem is medical, and you say elsewhere that he is still affectionate and gives you oral, etc.

That's not the case with the OP's husband, he is simply LD (at least for women), so in this case I think "accept it" is the worst possible advice. 

People need to feel wanted and desired. There's nothing selfish about that. If marriage was fine without sex, we could just marry our brothers/sisters instead.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

You are not ungrateful. Sex is one of the nice things we look forward to in marriage and it can be very disappointing when it's lacking or absent, and it is an especially bitter pill to swallow when you had every reason to think you would be compatible like that. But as many here have said, every marriage is different and no one can say how your marriage "should" be. As someone else said, it might be medical issues or disabilities, but it seems like most marriages find a way. Some people just have a lower libido. I had a former partner who just didn't seem to have much interest/libido or ability to grasp technique, and may I say it didn't work out very well. It would be understandable if mismatched partners chose not to stay together, but on the other hand marriages stay together for many reasons even if sex is missing or minimal - finding fulfillment in children, aversion to uprooting one's life and starting all over alone, wanting to maintain shared lifestyle, etc. I don't think an affair is a good thing, although I can well understand the desperation of someone who is young and has needs. There's always DIY (do it yourself), although it's a poor substitute for physical bonding with another person. There's always hope that over time you will eventually get used to it and try to find fulfillment from other aspects of life - children and family, hobbies and interests, career or volunteer work, trying to do some good in the world, focusing on other positive aspects of our spouse. Marriage, like life, can involve great losses and disappointments. Many of our marriage dreams do not get met, and sometimes it's hard work to find things to feel positive about. In the grand scheme, there are worse things: to look back over life and say I missed out on a lot of sex, or my partner became a paraplegic in an accident, we were ruined in a recession, one of us or our children suffered with major illness or died, etc.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If he is able to get it up and perform, then he SHOULD be able to initiate it more...whats the deaL??
How often do YOU want it? Is there a problem with frequancy and passion, or does he oblige every time you want it...

imo frequency is the real hard problem...if U want it 3x a week and he can only do it once every other week, that imo is BAD!...but if he is able to perform whenever you want it, and he is honest when he says he likes it...then that sounds like an easily fixable problem

tell him if he initiated it every other time youll be happy, knowing that you do it () times a week he should be able to do this...if he refuses, tell him your gonna want it 3x a day 7 days a week LOL...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Initiating is about desire and connection. It is about risk.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

One thing that has become clear to me since joining this board is that desire and passion are the missing components in most sexually mismatched marriages. 

Your spouse having sex with you when you want to have sex - of course the effort should be appreciated but it can feel as insignificant as just getting yourself off. 

I've come to realize it's not about getting off at all. It's the intimacy we crave. Feeling desired, feeling that desire two people can experience with the act of sex. 

If it were a question of physical release then most of us should be going on our merry ways with helping ourselves at. 

It's not that. If you feel.your spouse is just being nice or accommodating, staring at the ceiling or wishing you would hurry up - these things never need to be said. These things are felt and cause long term damage. 

So you can ask your spouse to have sex with you daily - and they can oblige and never say a word, and yet that might never change how lonely you feel because they just don't want you that way.

You can't fake that true intimacy or desire. It's there or its not.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

MissScarlett said:


> One thing that has become clear to me since joining this board is that desire and passion are the missing components in most sexually mismatched marriages.
> 
> Your spouse having sex with you when you want to have sex - of course the effort should be appreciated but it can feel as insignificant as just getting yourself off.
> 
> ...


Couldn't have said it any better.


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## sad2014 (Sep 11, 2014)

It is somewhat heartening to see that so many others have gone through or know others who have similar issues. I say 'somewhat' because the general consensus is that he won't change. 


I appreciate all the advice and comments. Some of the advice I already try, but it's not working. Like "try to focus on the good parts of the marriage, since it is so fulfilling in other ways, and is in general a very happy marriage"

I DO try, and I think I do a good job because I am not sad about it during the day. During the day, we seem to be perfect companions. We pay a lot of attention to each other. I had a really enjoyable weekend with him... We went to a bookstore and picked out a book each since we both liked to read. Walked around malls and thrift stores just to see what was new. Walked the dog around the block. Went grocery shopping together. Cooked a recipe together we hadn't tried in a long time. Went out to buy milkshakes at a small cafe and sat and talked. Cuddled and caught up on netflix together. 

But at night, when we are next to each other in bed, is when i'm reminded of what we don't have. And that's when I get lonely. Wouldn't have thought to use that word, thank you to the previous poster who framed it that way, because I never thought about it but that is EXACTLY how I feel. 

And i feel silly saying it, because how can i be lonely after we spent nearly every hour of the weekend together? But I do. We just lay there and he goes to sleep. He never reaches for me. We haven't had sex in weeks. I could reach for him, and he would have sex with me no problem... but there are only so many times i can do that with no reciprocation of him initiating back without me resenting it, and we are way past that point. 

I want so badly for him to want me enough to initiate. I'm not saying i want him to start every time, but if he did it even once in a while... but he never does. 


-----------------------------------


Today it hit me how i would feel if he wasn't my husband, if he were just one of my female friends i hang out with, and how it would relate.

Because it's like having a friend you are super close with, and who you love to have lunch with. And so you call her up and ask her to lunch, and she says yes- and that makes you so excited and happy because you just get along with this person so well. Lunch goes okay. It doesn't seem like she's putting forth a lot of interest in the topics you bring up, and there's no deep conversations or anything, but at least she is here and spending time with you. 

So next week you ask her to meet for lunch again. Because she's one of your best friends! She says yes again, but it goes the same way. 

You hope maybe she'll call and invite you the next week. But it doesn't happen, so you wait a couple extra days and then call and invite her. She accepts, you go to lunch, it goes just okay, then you both go home. 

Does she want to stop having lunch? Since it doesn't seem like she's having as great a time as you are. But she seems surprised you asked and claims she's had a great time each time. 

So next week you ask again, and she accepts again. It goes the same way. When you get home, you think, gee, she claims she likes it... but she never seems that interested...maybe i'll back off a bit and if she does want to she'll finally ask me to go this time instead of ME always asking. 

You never get the phone call. So you wait another week. You hear nothing from your friend. You start to wonder if she met with you just out of obligation because you asked, or she had nothing better to do? Maybe she'd rather be having lunch dates with someone else? Another week goes by. You finally crack and call her up.

"Hey, is everything okay? It's just I haven't heard from you in a while and miss our lunch meetings. I'm free today, if you have no other plans." 

And she says "Oh i miss our lunch dates too, lets have lunch then." So you do. And tell her that you love having lunch with her and catching up and anytime she wants, you are free... and maybe next time she can suggest the date/time? She enthusiastically agrees. And then you never hear from her. 

And you know you can call and have her meet you again...but ...is it really worth it anymore?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> One thing that has become clear to me since joining this board is that desire and passion are the missing components in most sexually mismatched marriages.
> 
> Your spouse having sex with you when you want to have sex - of course the effort should be appreciated but it can feel as insignificant as just getting yourself off.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

100%


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

sad2014 said:


> It is somewhat heartening to see that so many others have gone through or know others who have similar issues. I say 'somewhat' because the general consensus is that he won't change.
> 
> 
> I appreciate all the advice and comments. Some of the advice I already try, but it's not working. Like "try to focus on the good parts of the marriage, since it is so fulfilling in other ways, and is in general a very happy marriage"
> ...


Exactly sad! Exactly! This is exactly how I feel with my wife and I.

You've captured the scenario perfectly. The inevitable eventuality of the lackluster lunch dates is you yourself will stop wanting to have lunch with this person. The need to go out for lunch and have that experience will never go away, but you'll no longer feel the need to have lunch with that good friend.

That's when the end will come. This is crisis mode for you and your husband. He won't change and will be shocked when you end the marriage or cheat (not saying you will just saying it happens). He should not be shocked. We are not babies. A full grown adult with no mental illness ought to realize what fully engaged intimacy means to a marriage.

I wish you luck.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

how would it be if he moved out of the house for a while? 

and when you did see him or he called you called him Alice? 

or you could ask him which female name he prefers. Because you need to reframe him as a girlfriend because he just is he just isn't cutting it as a husband. 

I don't think you have a lot of choice but to tell him that this is going to end up being a deal breaker for you. if you have to accept that he doesn't desire you that way then he is going to have to accept that you have a need to be desired and to be in a physical relationship with a man. And that mutual incompatibility will require you to seek out another man and since you can't stay married and do that the natural conclusion will be divorce. 

and then tell him you're willing to give him some time to see if he can straighten this out but that he has say 3 months. and then if things improved don't say a word to him at that 3 month mark but give yourself another 3 months. If he backslide then call it quits and if he continues to improve then give it another 3 months and she where you are then. 

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> I hate reading crap like this.
> 
> Divorce is *NOT *easy. Quite contrary, getting married is way too easy. It's a one way street sometimes... people get married, and realizes too late that they married the wrong person.
> 
> ...



Took the words right out of my mouth. I always wished I was TM alot sooner because I would have been better prepped for the downs that come with marriage.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

You know what the weird thing about it is, I am noticing a lot of people being vocal about wanting to be desired now. I have that feeling as well and we can't force our spouse's the desire us. It is a natural thing and if it's not there, It's not there. If you guys were just in a long term relationship, would you stay?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> so what if you find the guy that rocks your world in bed but sux at all the things your present man dose for you.
> 
> sometimes life is a trade off.
> 
> ...


I disagree wholeheartedly. If you're getting less than you want out of life it's because you've accepted it.


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