# Naughty is a "No No"



## photosoflife (Jan 4, 2010)

*Sex Issue..*

Backstory: (to give you a better idea of whats going on)

I am 28 and my fiance is 25(getting married in two weeks) have been dating for about 5 years now and have been living together for 4 of those years. We've had ups and downs in those years as usual and our sex lives were fantastic. Go to sex stores to get toys and all around enjoy each others company and sensuality. This intensity was constant up until about a year and a half ago. So Ill start there.

A year and a half ago we moved in with my parents to their pool house (more like an open space over the garage). Tough decision, but we wanted to buy a house and I needed to clear my debt to raise my credit rating and lower/eliminate monthly payments. We were renting a house before the dreaded move to their place. I had a negative childhood with my mother and it still lingers to this day; she has a behavioral disorder and really affects a lot of things. My fiance knows that and has anxiety around my mom. We knew what we were getting into and our friends and family constantly let us know.

We BOTH experienced low sex drives and every aspect of our lives became mundane and robotic. From the activities to sex. They all became unemotional. Throw that in with living in that space with 3 dogs and a cat. Pure chaos! We got to the point where all our sex began and ended upstairs in my parents guest shower doggie style so obviously facing away from each other. This I feel was not helping with the emotional connection. I could tell the emotion and passion from the sex becoming diluted, but I was in another place in my mind with everything that I didn't care/or really notice. We couldn't be loud and had to feel paranoid and restricted every time. After sex we both got on separate computers (though in the same little "loft area") and did our separate things. We had the additional anxiety of planning our wedding that is coming up and she had to do this without her parents that live 2k miles away. We did this for a year and a half.

Towards the end of this journey I new what we were doing was wrong so I brought up a date night once a week. She loved that idea and we did that till we moved out. So we reached our goal and bought a house. We have been living in it for three months and love it. Less stress from the parents and those living quarters but it seems like the sex was left behind as well.

We still have sex, but is mostly initiated by me and she wasn't even getting into it. As I noticed that she didn't fall back to the way it was before I brought up my findings to her. We have always had a great communication so this was the easy part. She didnt know what was causing this and told me that she wasn't getting turned on although, she was still having orgasms. She mentioned that she was aware and it made her feel frustrated and bad about herself. So we broke the barrier and I planted the seed for another discussion.

A couple weeks past and I brought it up again hoping to find a reason. I brought up everything that I mentioned here and the backstory and asked if that was the issue. She mentioned that since then, sex felt "naughty" and not the naughty good way. She felt like anything other than missionary was wrong. After a deeper discussion she stated that she thinks it is because what happened at my parents since we had to constantly be on edge and quiet. That, along with the mundane that it formed. She felt that the only way to get her into it or back in the swing of things is possibly to have romantic sex, no spontaneous sex, or daylight sex. Oh and I have noticed that when we have sex or are naked she glances at the windows to see if they are open or not. Same thing at my parents. Am I crazy or is there a connection?

So this weekend we were watching a movie with most of the lights off and the candles burning along with the fire and had sex on the couch. She told me afterwards that is what she is talking about, romance wise. Even the next day when we woke up she asked if we had sex 4 other times that night because she dreamed that we did and it felt so real. Could this be progress?

I have been trying my hardest to not let the preceding events affect me although it has been hard, but I ultimately want to get our sex life back to a place where sex is initiated by both of us. It feels good to be wanted by your lover, partner and soon to be wife and I want both of us to be happy. My goal is to get us out of this slump/situation before it got to a place where it cant be fixed. 

What can I do to help bring her back the excitement of sex and love making? Things I should say or exercises to do. I know that it takes work to get out of a funk and constant attention otherwise it can fall away to an unreachable place.

I have an idea to help get her out of the "naughty" frame of mind and have a day out of the week where SHE sets the mood and tries to be the lover on the prowl by initiating sex and wearing something sexy from her articles that she already owns. I am hoping to be pro-active, so to speak. Would this be a good idea?


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## photosoflife (Jan 4, 2010)

^^ Maybe so, it just feels like an underlying issue that I am trying to help her workout. Although we are delaying our honeymoon due to schedules for our one year anniversary. Her parents and family are staying in town till that following wednesday so I made the decision to cancel honeymoon planning to be able to spend time with them since she rarely gets to see them. She was shocked and excited that I knew it meant a lot to her and suggested it.

The previous times (besides the fireside romance) I could noticeably tell she wasnt in it. When we first talked about it, she said that she couldnt get turned on for sex even though she could have an orgasm, it was harder to achieve it each time. I know she is trying because the other night she randomly, without say gave me a bj in bed just to please me.

I just want to get her to the point that she doesnt have to try, that it comes natural.


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## photosoflife (Jan 4, 2010)

Thanks for the response.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Don't let "daily life" come between, it's all BS. 
If your focused on her and seems you are, keep doing that!
At the same time, you need to be sure your not chasing things you have no idea of, meaning if there are any "underlying issues" would be nice (required in my book) if she felt comfortable enough to share those. Some you may be able to help and other you may only be able to understand and give her space for.


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## photosoflife (Jan 4, 2010)

^^We really do have great communication so that when something is bothering one another we try and bring out that current issue/feeling to help ease the stress for one another. This is true for both sides. Though i am not naive to everything.

As an underlying issue that I asked is simply resorting to the blanket answer that if he/she isnt having sex with you its because they are not attracted to you or they are giving it to someone else. I keep that in the back of my mind just because that was an issue that I had with an ex-gf while in that relationship. I just didnt have that much desire with that individual anymore.

I would definitely be hurt if for some crazy reason that was the cause in my relationship, but I would rather know that and move on than continue down a beaten path.

I dont know what you mean by the comment "daily life" so I cant respond to that in regards to my first post.

As with our communication she was open to talking to me with this issue. Nothing else in our relationship is "out of wack" per-say. From the quality of time that we spend to cuddling when we sleep or watching a movie to laughing and joking around is the same. Its all great. Nothing else seems different/wrong. 

When I spoke to her about it, she stated what she was feeling, that she wasnt able to be turned on, whether it be videos, fantasies etc. With a deeper look we got to what we believe is the issue. She feels that anything other than missionary is naughty now.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

My "daily life" comment was regarding issues other than you two, like money, housing, work, etc. It just seems to me that its easy to let thiese things become your existence as if they were important. They may be termed important....just never more than you are to each other.
Seems to me your on a decent path so just keep talking!
The fact that she thinks anything other than missionary is naughty to me is not healthy thinking. If its ok for you great. Otherwise, might be time to get another point of view. Counseling?


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## photosoflife (Jan 4, 2010)

Okay i see what you mean as daily life. Financially, since living with the parents everything is right on track. Of course we have budgets but who doesnt? We have not had an issue or argument pertaining to money, housing, etc. problems. As for her work she does not like or respect her boss one bit. He doesnt respect his employees and constantly will go back on what he says to them. Some of her other coworkers are already looking for other jobs.

On top of that we really only have one car. My work car. I drive her to work everyday and we work till 7 so she doesnt work on friday. Its an hour or longer to get home through the traffic. So it doesnt leave much time to relax before hitting the sack. Ill leave her the car then and take my race/street car to work that day. I will be selling my car soon to get her a vehicle (she cant/doesnt like manuals). Her car was totaled due to a flash flood. As for the driving she likes the fact that we spend time driving to and from work each day, and throughout our relationship we have found that it is hard to get annoyed with each other. So it all works out.

As for counseling we have brought it up and she is willing to go to help us out. I just want to see if it is something that we can work through ourselves, if not I am not afraid to ask for help. 

In posting this thread I am looking for guidance, things to talk about, or things to try to help get this moving. I can feel that the spark in our relationship has not died out just from the minute things, I just want to revive it and make it even brighter.


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