# My husband danced with another woman at a party until it's over when I was also there



## Ellen89

At a recent party which, I and my husband both attended, we both entered the dance floor together. After dancing with me for some time, my husband randomly started dancing with another old woman, (Who we do not know) who was passing him around. I waited him to come to me for a long time. When he did not I went closer to them twice. But at both times while dancing, my husband turned more to that woman’s side which made me feel neglected. Without letting other people to notice I danced alone and with the others in the dance floor. Until the dance floor was over my husband kept dancing with that woman continuously. (Which was for like an hour) This surprised me and hurt me. 
Before my marriage I was so much in to dancing. I’ve been studying dancing until I stopped it since my husband did not like it much. When we go to parities we both dance together and I’ve never made him feel neglected at a dance floor, which even he never has done to me. This was the first time such a thing happened and I was completely mad at the end. 
We had a terrible fight. But somehow we got back together. He said that he did not have bad intention or what so ever while dancing with that woman. And he has never cheated on me. He does not keep any close relationships with any woman, not even friends. I believe him. But I can’t get this incident out of my mind. And my husband does not take it serious. He promised me that he will never do that again. But I feel so angry and jealous when I think about it. What should I do? It is something to worry? How can I forget about this??


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## peacem

When he is out with you - he is out with YOU. Not cool to be doing that. 

It reminds me of when me and my H were much younger and we went out for an evening in a pub where a band were playing. He spent the whole evening talking to the barmaid whilst I sat on my own. 

When we left I was really upset with him. The odd thing was he really didn't know why I was so upset. He was just talking to her! And she was just being friendly! And he didn't like the band! And why didn't I come and join in the conversation if I was that bothered! ----Not. a. clue.

So I am guessing you guys are fairly young and your H hasn't quite perfected his dating skills. When he is out with you he needs to be focused on you. Just bear in mind that when we have been married awhile and someone from the opposite sex flirts with us, it is hugely rewarding and takes us back to our single days (it doesn't mean we want to be unfaithful). But enjoying a quick flirt and letting it linger for way too long are two very different things. 

Hopefully he has now learned.


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## Spicy

To leave you alone on the dance floor for that long was so mean!
I would be upset too! It's good you were able to talk it through and come to a resolution. 
I wish you both the best.


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## MattMatt

Has he ever done this before?

Have you asked him why he did it?

Are you certain he didn't know her?

What country are you in? I am wondering about cultural differences.


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## Satya

Well, I'd be pretty miffed, too, if my husband ignored me on the dance floor as yours did. Switching partners is temporary. 



Ellen89 said:


> We had a terrible fight. But somehow we got back together.


 @Ellen89, with respect, I just want to point out that this statement is false. You did not "somehow" get back together. Either you forgave him, he forgave you, or you forgave each other. There's a marked difference and it implies that either one or both of you agreed to end the disagreement. 

Now, if only one of you agreed to end it, I'd like to know which of you it was. 

If it was both of you that agreed to end it, then the important thing is to communicate fairly with each other, listen to either side, state your boundaries, live by (enforce) them, and consider the matter closed unless it happens again. 

If it was only one of you that agreed to end it, the matter is not closed, and one of you feels resentful and without being heard. 

My guess is, that's you or you wouldn't be posting here. 

Stating a boundary is simple. 
When you do____, I feel like____. Dancing with you is important to me as I feel it keeps our bond strong. When you dance with another woman for an hour I feel ignored and invisible, especially when you prefer to do that activity with a stranger over your wife. 

And see how he responds. And act accordingly based on his response. Stay calm and just absorb how he answers.


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## knightRider

You should have approached them directly on the dance floor and asked your husband for a dance. His reaction would tell you how much respect he has.

Talk it through with your man and set boundaries. A bit of subtle mate guarding also helps at parties etc.


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## vel

Haha, I know a friend who went through this experience as well. Her husband left her to dance with other ladies, but soon after men came to ask her for a dance and her husband immediately came scurrying back! Instant karma.

I hope he gets it.


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## TheTruthHurts

Don't assume your H knows what you're thinking or how you're feeling. That's a common mistake, particularly among younger couples. Women, in my experience, are much more emotionally aware but are also constantly bombarded with thoughts and emotions that mist men simply aren't (except in TAM when their relationships are in turmoil).

So it's possible he was just dancing and when he occasionally looked over at you, you appeared content.

Nevertheless, the right action on your part would he to go over and tell him directly that you want to dance with him. There are a million ways to do this, but don't wait until you are so upset that you lash out or are a wreck - that's counterproductive too.

I tell my girls CONSTANTLY how clueless most guys are, and point it out. My girls never cease to be amazed even in their brothers' cluelessness with regard to girls. It's just the way some men and some women are built. On the other hand, my boys are great kids and would never intentionally make a girl feel bad or ignore them, but it happens all the time.

Good luck


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## caruso

I would worry if I was with a woman who got mad at me, stewed about it all night, said nothing at all to me at the time and then blew up to the point that it ultimately turned into a terrible fight.

Why not go up to him, grab his arm say we need to talk and lay it out for him right then and there?

Sure he was inconsiderate and there may be deeper issues here but at the very least you can head it off at the pass so to speak.

These sorts of things need to be dealt with directly, immediately, and forcefully.


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## joannacroc

I don't get how anyone could think their date would want them to go off and dance with someone else all night and ignore them. Not sure I buy the I'm-a-clueless-man argument. He must have known it would upset you. Did you call him on it?


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## sokillme

He was wrong and inconsiderate. You called him on it and he apologized. It shouldn't happen again. If it does then you have a bigger problem, but as it stands now this is they type of thing that in relationships when the person truly apologizes you need to let go. The man is not perfect, doesn't make him a monster either. Let it go OP, people do dumb stuff. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just means he was dumb at that moment.


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## bandit.45

I hope you made him sleep on the couch.


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## EleGirl

How long have the two of you been married?

How old are the two of you?

You say that he danced with an older woman. How old do you think she was?

This was a party. Does that mean that you know all, or most, of the other people there? Does your husband know this woman from somewhere... like maybe his work?


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## Roselyn

Woman here and 36 years married (first marriage for the both of us). Your husband was flirting with this woman at the dance floor. This would be utterly embarrassing for me if he was my husband. I would have came right up to him and told him this. "Hey' I'm your date and you've parked me!"

During our first year of marriage, we attended a wedding and one of my friends came up to talk to us. My husband kept on commenting on how unusual she looked. I quietly made my way out of the wedding, holding his hand out of the venue. We skipped the reception. I told my young husband, then 24 years old (me at 22), as to how insulted I feel and how he ruined this event for me. I told him that he "utterly sucked as a young husband". I never attended another event with this friend around.

Fast forward, 36 years later, I told my now 60 years old husband how this event stuck to my mind. He argued that the girl looked like me and all he could remember was her long black hair like mine. I said "Rubbish", you would have flirted if I stuck around. You stuck around and watched your husband flirt with another woman. Next time this happens to you, take action by leaving the venue. Tell your husband how insulting and humiliating this feels to you!


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## TheTruthHurts

Wow @Roselyn you should REALLY let that go! It's unhealthy to hang on to bad feelings like that. That's all on you to hold it too - you shouldn't toss that at H 35 years later.


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## becareful2

TheTruthHurts said:


> Wow @Roselyn you should REALLY let that go! It's unhealthy to hang on to bad feelings like that. That's all on you to hold it too - you shouldn't toss that at H 35 years later.


There are certain people, places, and events that leave an impression and it sticks with us for years. I don't think @Roselyn is bitter or resentful about it now; it's just how our minds work.


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## Roselyn

TheTruthHurts said:


> Wow @Roselyn you should REALLY let that go! It's unhealthy to hang on to bad feelings like that. That's all on you to hold it too - you shouldn't toss that at H 35 years later


You are mistaken TheTruthHurts! I do not hold on to bad feelings! I am 58 years old and a university professor. I have held on to my teaching and research career for 29 years. Why do you think I survive in such a stressful position? It is because I take no nonsense! I know more about how the human psyche works more than the average person. I make it my goal to understand how people tick. My husband was irresponsible and this type of action I do not condone or be silent with. I have never been a doormat and will not allow other individuals to take advantage.

TheTruthHurts: OP post is about her, not about me. Stick to her subject. I do not seek your advice!


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## TheTruthHurts

Roselyn said:


> You are mistaken TheTruthHurts! I do not hold on to bad feelings! I am 58 years old and a university professor. I have held on to my teaching and research career for 29 years. Why do you think I survive in such a stressful position? It is because I take no nonsense! I know more about how the human psyche works more than the average person. I make it my goal to understand how people tick. My husband was irresponsible and this type of action I do not condone or be silent with. I have never been a doormat and will not allow other individuals to take advantage.
> 
> 
> 
> TheTruthHurts: OP post is about her, not about me. Stick to her subject. I do not seek your advice!




You posted you thoughts and I posted mine. Both very relevant to OP. You held onto a slight fir 36 years and claim you didn't and I posted my suggestion for OP to NOT follow this advice, which I believe is horrible.

There is no problem here.


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## TheTruthHurts

becareful2 said:


> There are certain people, places, and events that leave an impression and it sticks with us for years. I don't think @Roselyn is bitter or resentful about it now; it's just how our minds work.




That's an interesting thought. But my suggestion would be to keep that to yourself then. Why lay something like that at your spouses feet after 36 years just because your mind works that way. Particularly if his doesn't. What is he supposed to do about it?

Reminds me of an incident years and years ago. W and I were helping a close friend move out of an apartment several stories up. He was draining his waterbed (ha yes that long ago) off the balcony and it was a bit of a pain, and his W started to go off on him. It was very uncomfortable for my W and me to be present. She started to yip and yell at him saying "I TOLD you not to buy that thing!" And ranted on and on. Finally he could take no more and yelled "Fine! You win! I DIDN'T buy it! Happy now???"

We were stuck between the humor and ridiculousness of the whole thing.

Hence my comments. What is ANYONE supposed to do about something that happened decades ago?

BTW he eventually divorced her. He wasn't the best H but she was far too shrill. Sadly, even her own family was on her case for the D. No need for that - family should come first.


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## Starstarfish

Here's some thoughts:

- I don't go to parties and dance like this except weddings, I basically Truffle Shuffle so take my advice with some salt. 

- He hasn't cheated on you that you know of. Sadly, unless we are with someone 24/7, we can only be so sure of what they are up to all of the time. 

- You don't know this woman, but again, there's no 100% guarantee he doesn't. For him to just go off and dance with some random chick he doesn't know for an hour ... suspect. Who hosted this party?

- You like to dance, you stopped because he didn't like it, why? What was his objection?

- Next time I went to a party with him like this, I'd make sure the car keys were in my pocket and just leave if he started this again.


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## caruso

Roselyn said:


> During our first year of marriage, we attended a wedding and one of my friends came up to talk to us. My husband kept on commenting on how unusual she looked. I quietly made my way out of the wedding, holding his hand out of the venue. We skipped the reception. I told my young husband, then 24 years old (me at 22), as to how insulted I feel and how he ruined this event for me. I told him that he "utterly sucked as a young husband". I never attended another event with this friend around.
> 
> Fast forward, 36 years later, I told my now 60 years old husband how this event stuck to my mind.


You held onto a grudge for 36 years. This was about him making a comment about a woman he found attractive at a wedding.

Wow. That's rather..um.. unusual. Do you realize that the problem lies mostly with you?



Roselyn said:


> You are mistaken TheTruthHurts! I do not hold on to bad feelings!


When a bad feeling sticks in your mind for 36 YEARS, that counts as holding on.


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## Rubix Cubed

@Ellen89 
It sounds like you brought this to your h's attention and he was sorry and said he wouldn't do it again. Hold him to it. Cut him no slack.
I had one of my best friends (a bit boneheaded sometime) dance with my wife at my wedding before OUR first dance. Pretty mindless of both of them but it wasn't malicious ,just stupid. And yes it still irks me 21 years later, because of the thoughtlessness of the uniqueness of the moment.


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## memyselfandi

Bottom line..there is NO way I'd put up with that!!

It's not your responsibility to excuse yourself and butt in to dance with your husband!!

He wouldn't be sleeping on the couch..he'd be out the door!!!


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## Ellen89

Starstarfish said:


> Here's some thoughts:
> 
> - I don't go to parties and dance like this except weddings, I basically Truffle Shuffle so take my advice with some salt.
> 
> - He hasn't cheated on you that you know of. Sadly, unless we are with someone 24/7, we can only be so sure of what they are up to all of the time.
> 
> - You don't know this woman, but again, there's no 100% guarantee he doesn't. For him to just go off and dance with some random chick he doesn't know for an hour ... suspect. Who hosted this party?
> 
> - You like to dance, you stopped because he didn't like it, why? What was his objection?
> 
> - Next time I went to a party with him like this, I'd make sure the car keys were in my pocket and just leave if he started this again.


Thanks! What you said are thoughtful. And I like the last one...


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## Evinrude58

He has no female friends, he hasn't had a repeat performance, you had a fight and explained that this was inappropriate and intolerable, right?

If so, let it go. No need to hold on to it, as previously stated. No need to ignore future bad behavior, either.
What he did was wrong, but people do make mistakes and there has to be some forgiveness sometimes.

The questions is: Did he understand how he hurt you, did he ask to be forgiven, and is he NOT doing this now?
If the answer is yes, then you're good and should let go of this hurt when you can.


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## browser

Your husband may have been affected by alcohol and did not exercise good judgement. He did what guys do.. slobbered over some strange, and neglected his girl. Complete lack of tact and very inconsiderate, but he acknowledged the mistake and said he won't ever do it again so hold him to it and if it does happen again well now you know you've got a problem.


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