# AFEH, Amplexor, Conrad, Trenton and a few others....update



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hey there Men's clubhouse. Already updated in Coping, but figured I owed you guys a more detailed update on how all the tips and guidance you have given me has played out. Things are going excellent. We took our trip for our 10th, and things went so well.

I am getting really quite good with my WOA, and it is becoming more natural for me to compliment and comment to my H out of the blue. 

I asked him what his favorite part of the trip was we took, and aside from the vowel renewal ( elvis, drive thru, amazing hahaha) he said it was when I came up behind him at the blackjack table and felt him up and whispered in his ear. I have to admit i didn't see that coming, but he said all the other men at the table were so jealous and they sat there in disbelief that we were married for 10 years and I still made it obvious that I wanted him 

I have been doing well, and AFEH I have read some of the materials you left for me in the last thread. I won't say I am perfect at it by any means, but the fact that I am able to incorporate using WOA's into my day and to have it feel so natural is a huge accomplishment from where I was a couple of years ago. 

On the flip side with the WOA flying to smoothingly, so is the sex  Which makes me use more WOA's hahahaha


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

What is WOA? I think my wife needs some of that 

Great for you. Most husbands don't expect their wife to be perfect, they are much more easygoing then wives. So don't worry about it! As long as you recognize where you are, it's great.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Words of Affirmation. He likes his ego stroked  And I am doing much better at it. I never was mean, or a berated him, but like most women think the way to a man's heart is through his pants. My H NEEDS the words. Had I realized it sooner, we could have had a much smoother ride. Got it now though!


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Oh, yes. My wife never heard of that in her life.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Could she be just as clueless as I was? I honestly saw it as this horribly needy thing at first, and didn't understand WHY I would need to "baby" him like that. It took a lot of work from a lot of men to get me to understand this.


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Interesting..... i think I need to find the original thread.... I'm doing great in the bedroom department but could do better with WOAs myself..


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Interesting..... i think I need to find the original thread.... I'm doing great in the bedroom department but could do better with WOAs myself..


I am the HD in our relationship, so naturally I *assumed* he was just the same. Dumb? absolutely LOL. Sex has always been great, but he did get more of a low drive when he wasn't getting what he really wanted, the words. Now, things are phenomenal, and the sex picked up to a pace that I need to be happy


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Can you link the original thread?>>>> this is exactly what we are going thru!!! Maybe I am missing it, although I have asked him if I am missing something, he is big on WOA to me, but that is not my love language... however now I think I am seeing a bigger picture... so glad i happened to look at your post, normally would've skipped over it...... he is speakign in his own.... it doesn't mean that much to me when he says things, I would rather see, feel things..... but since it is a different way...I need to learn it!


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/36372-thanks-mens-clubhouse.html

Can't find the original, but this is the last update, and AFEH posted a lot of helpful info for me to read up on


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I am still waiting for a thread from a lady who use to trash her husband all the time, then one day she woke up and realize how bad it is.

The surrenderd wife book is telling such a story. I never heard it since.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Hey there Men's clubhouse. Already updated in Coping, but figured I owed you guys a more detailed update on how all the tips and guidance you have given me has played out. Things are going excellent. We took our trip for our 10th, and things went so well.
> 
> I am getting really quite good with my WOA, and it is becoming more natural for me to compliment and comment to my H out of the blue.
> 
> ...


Hi Dawn it's very good to hear from you, so pleased it’s going very well for you and yours. Personally while I think the five love languages really good, I think they got the word wrong with Affirmation in that it should be Appreciation. An achiever (we like WOA) like me doesn’t need to be “verified” but personally I do have a need to be appreciated.

And others are right in that it can seem kind of a childish need, immature and perhaps of no significance, no value. Perhaps they should think on the trophies and medals that athletes receive for coming in first, second or third, especially with the Olympics coming up. The winners stand on the podium receiving their affirmation by way of the medal and appreciation from other athletes and onlookers. Sports people are massively motivated by that sort of thing and have rooms for their trophies.

So WOA just like the athletes medals tell us achievers that we are on the right track, we’re doing good and we’re appreciated. All good leaders know these things and they purposely watch out for people doing good work and acknowledge them publicly, it is massively motivational.

If some simply don’t see the sense, all they need do is leave a little note of thanks for their loved one for something they did for them and then observe the response.

Well done for stepping outside your comfort zone to learn how to express your love for your H in the ways that are deep and meaningful for him, in the way he understands love. It does feel awkward at first outside our comfort zone but it’s the way to learn, to expand and grow and our comfort zone grows much bigger for it.


And thank you for coming back to give your update and words of appreciation!


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> And others are right in that it can seem kind of a childish need, immature and perhaps of no significance, no value.


It would appear that I was the leader of that group, until everyone here was able to talk some sense into me. My perception of him changed when my understanding of his needs did. Makes for a very nice change for both of us. I agree with you, Words of Appreciation sounds much better, and more accurately describes the need. 

I have actually moved into combining my WOA's with some acts of service ( sort of). I am off for summer break from college, and my H just got back to work from our vacation, so I make sure the house is nice when he comes home, I cook dinner, and when he offers to do the dishes I tell him he was working all day, I want him to relax while I take care of it all. 

I also notice he is touching me more when I am not expecting it outside of the bedroom, which is fantastic. Hugs gropes, kisses on the back of the neck, all the stuff I love, without having to ask or "tit for tat" each other to death.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It feels good to have your best friend back doesn't it.

I love to read about the success stories..thanks for sharing.

Sometime I wonder if I'v been on her to long, maybe like you I need a little break.

Since you've been gone this site, especially CWI has exploded with folks in the same spot you and me were few years ago.

Look at the volumn now, there hundreds of views going on, when back in the day it was just several dozen.

I still can't spell any better ...LOL


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

the guy said:


> It feels good to have your best friend back doesn't it.
> 
> I love to read about the success stories..thanks


I think the people that reached out to me here, in the Men's Clubhouse, probably deserve a good 60% of the credit for my marriage surviving. 

I was almost done, ready to walk away. But then they talked some sense into me, and showed me that instead of viewing everything about him I didn't understand as weak, I needed to reevaluate and discover that those things I didn't understand are what made him so special to me. 

As much as it sucks to admit, I needed help understanding my husband, and when he would tell me what he needed, I was listening, but I didn't hear him. Now I can hear him.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

the guy said:


> Sometime I wonder if I'v been on her to long, maybe like you I need a little break.
> 
> Since you've been gone this site, especially CWI has exploded with folks in the same spot you and me were few years ago.
> 
> ...


LOL @ the spelling. I still can't do algebra any better, so I guess some things don't change as easy hahahaha. 

I like taking steps back from here every now and again. I don't post nearly as much. Being away helps me be able to focus a little more clearly and probably be that much more helpful when I do come in.

I do see a lot more venom on the CWI section these days, miss some of the old regulars who talked so much sense when I was there and a mess.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This is a great thread! Glad you're doing better, Dawn.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

DawnD, really great to read this. Thank you for the update!


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great to hear Dawn. I'm glad TAM has assisted you in your recovery. It is wonderful to hear back from members who've been here so long and worked so hard at their marriage. Because in the end it is the two of you who've suffered, struggled and survived. Keep up the great work and keep us posted. 

PS It is also great to hear when a tool as powerful as The 5 Love Languages can have such an impact on a reconciliation. It should be required reading for all couples.

Cheers!


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> PS It is also great to hear when a tool as powerful as The 5 Love Languages can have such an impact on a reconciliation. It should be required reading for all couples.
> 
> Cheers!


 I have been recommending this book to everyone that comes to me with issues ( I am involved with a lot of the other spouses well being during deployments) and when I went on a marriage retreat, they actually covered the 5 love languages there as well. it seems to be gaining popularity in the military community, which is fabulous!


----------

