# Conditional Marriage



## sava (Mar 17, 2012)

Hi everyone!

Me and my husband are having issues with our beliefs about marriage commitment. we were together for 5 years before we got married and numerous times he broke up with me because we were in his words"fighting too much" and i was blindsided. I didnt even know we were fighting. clearly we had communication problems. Well were married now and we are learning to work through our issues. It has been 10 months and my husband is now saying that if we fight too much in this marriage, he will up and divorce me. Before we got married i told him what a serious commitment this was to me and I dont ever want to consider divorce. I feel I deserve better then someone who is gonna bail because we are having an argument. I mean arguments or talking about your feelings are unavoidable and I thought they were supposed to be good for the relationship but now every time we have an argument or i even tell him my feelings i get stressed out for weeks wondering if he is going to leave me. Also b/c the fact that if i say the wrong thing he ignores me for hours and just shuts off. im trying to teach him that occasional arguments are okay. He said his parents always fought and he will not stay in something where we fight a lot. I feel his definition of fighting is so off. I told him I dont want to be in this unless he can promise to honor his vowels. if he has an issue with us fighting too much we should work through it and change what we need to, for me thats not grounds for divorce. he wont change his mind tho. who is right? what should we do? things are fine between us right now, except I want to be in a secure and comfortable relationship. I dont want to be threatened with conditions. Its almost like him guaranteeing he will divorce me b/c arguments are inevitable, so should we just split now? shouldnt i protect myself? any advice will help thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The fact is that adult love is conditional. If you husband started to beat you 3 times a week you leave him, at least I hope you would. 

I agree with your husband that constant fighting, that never stops is a reason for divorce. Why would anyone want to stay in a contentious relationship. The point is that both spouses should work to not have constant fights. It’s unhealthy to live in a relationship in which there is constant turmoil.

That said, I get your point in that perhaps your husband is over sensitive to arguments. The both of you need to work together to learn how to discuss things and not argue since it’s a huge trigger with him.

Were I you I would tell him that I was going to IC to figure out how to handling things in the way that makes him ok. Then after a bit ask him if he would come and talk to your counselor to explain what he wants so that you can ‘fix’ yourself. The point is that to start with put it all on yourself. Once he sees you working to figure this out he just might join you in counseling.

Can you give an example of an argument that gets him upset enough to want to leave? Give the blow by blow (hopefully words not physical) of who said what, how it started, etc. Use an example of one of your most contentious arguments. Does yelling, or raised voices, occur during these arguments?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sava said:


> what should we do? things are fine between us right now, except I want to be in a secure and comfortable relationship. I dont want to be threatened with conditions. Its almost like him guaranteeing he will divorce me b/c arguments are inevitable, so should we just split now? shouldnt i protect myself? any advice will help thanks!


No one can answer the above questions until more about your situation is known.


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## sava (Mar 17, 2012)

i agree that there are some appropriate conditions such as abuse or cheating. but you commit to a marriage with the intent to work through anything that comes your way. I have put so much effort in to fix things. he does not put the effort in, so why should i have to live up to his conditions. An example would be last night he said something about being able to control himself when he gets really drunk (he hardly ever drinks but occasionally he will drink a lot, like once in the last few months). I said do you really think that getting drunk is a good situation to put yourself in, eventually something will go wrong (it has in the past). All the sudden he shuts down, acts mad, doesnt want to talk to me. Starts being really rude to me. It is the same pattern every time. i try to reason with him (ask him why it made him so mad, tell him that was not my intent i was just expressing my feelings), but he ignores me. Then I start crying (i am a really sweet person and i hate for people to be mad at me, so i do get sensitive when he acts mean to me). Before we go to bed I try to get him to talk to me about things b/c i dont want to go to bed on bad terms and this is where things get out of proportion. he will ignore me no matter what and i try to convince him to talk to me and i will apologize and try to reason with him. no anger on my part, just sad but he is really angry. i feel really vulnerable after that. Then he is kind of mean to me for awhile and just disconnects himself from me. and quite a few times he has broken up with me only to want me back. anyways thats the pattern. if i am trying so hard to fix the arguments then why should i be the one thats punished with the threat of divorce. he doesnt want to talk to me like a mature adult about whats bugging him. i should be the one giving him the condition if he doesnt start resolving issues like an adult. lately we have been learning to work through it but it happened again last night. thanks so much for your opinion!


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## sava (Mar 17, 2012)

call me old school but i truly believe a marriage can work through anything. if it comes to the point where its abuse and its a safety matter okay, i will give you that one. but anything is possible in life and if both people want a good relationship, there is no reason you cant have it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sava said:


> i agree that there are some appropriate conditions such as abuse or cheating. but you commit to a marriage with the intent to work through anything that comes your way. I have put so much effort in to fix things. he does not put the effort in, so why should i have to live up to his conditions.


You are the one here who is unhappy and wants to get things to work. So the advice here will be about the things that YOU need to do to get the relationship where YOU want it. He’s not here asking.
Is that example the worst one you can come up with? Just want to make sure.

He says something.
You counter it with your own thoughts 
He gets angry. He shuts down and shuts you out.
You get upset, try to explain yourself, cry.
Hours later at bedtime you start trying to explain yourself again and try to get him to talk to you about things. He ignores you. You apologize. He ignores you. He is angry. And so it goes round and round. 

Your take on this is “if i am trying so hard to fix the arguments then why should i be the one thats punished with the threat of divorce”.
Neither one of you knows how to “argue” or “discuss” things. You are both wrong. I’m not trying to be mean but to give you some solid advice on what I see.”

I can understand why you countered his bragging about being able to control himself when he gets drunk. To start with it’s a juvenile. The fact is that drunks tend to think that they are in control but they are not. So I have no problem with our counter to him. But then it goes downhill from there.

When he gets angry and ignores you. You need to stop explaining yourself, trying to get him to understand your point of view, begging, crying, pleading and apologizing.

You made a very valid point that he does not have such wonderful control over himself when drunk. And I take it that you do not appreciate it when he gets drunk. All valid. So have your say and stop. 

If he wants to act like a baby and pout, ignore you can get angry that’s on him. Leave it alone. What he is doing is punishing you for speaking the truth and busting his little fantasy bubble.

When he gets like this is it his responsibility to get over his own anger. If he want to ignore you and pout let him. One of the reasons he does this is because it does get such a rise out of you. It’s a passive aggressive why to get back at you. And the entire time that he’s ignoring you, he has your 100% attention while you beg, cry, apologize, etc. 

Stop doing that. Stop paying attention to him when he does this. Just go off and do your own thing. You can get to a point where you are not angry or upset about these things. It will take the wind out of his childish little game and he will have to find a new way to deal with his anger.



sava said:


> .. he doesnt want to talk to me like a mature adult about whats bugging him. i should be the one giving him the condition if he doesnt start resolving issues like an adult. lately we have been learning to work through it but it happened again last night. thanks so much for your opinion!


I agree that the way he handled that was not mature. But the way you handled it was not either. YOu are the one who escalated it and would not let it drop. 

Seeing an IC to learn how you can handle it when he is like will help you a lot. It’s not you changing to meet his conditions. It’s you learning how to handle his childish antics like a mature adult.

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Dance of Anger".


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Who is right? Your husband is right.

He made sure the relationship and the marriage get conducted his way. He made sure he gets to act, say, think, feel, and decide however he wants. He made sure he gets to be right all the time. He made sure he has the ease of not having to consider your feelings, your opinion, or your part in decision-making all in the name of refusing to argue......and you went for it over and over. Essentially, you agreed. Each time he broke up refusing to argue, you went back to him. Each time he broke up and told you he refuses to argue, you went back to him. You went back on his terms, and then you married into that agreement. What else did you think it was? And how else did you think your marriage would be? He kept breaking off the relationship and by doing so, he was telling you how he was, but you ignored him. Each time, he told you what he expected from you and the relationship. If he expects "no arguing" before the marriage and will break off the relationship for that reason, he was telling you he will break off the marriage for the same reason even before he actually spoke the words. For some reason, you kept thinking he was listening to your philosophical ideas of marriage, but he broke it off the next time, too. You kept thinking you could change him, but he broke it off the next time, too. Now, you are sad and feeling inscure in your marriage. I don't understand why you did not know the marriage would be every bit as timultuous for the exact same reason as the relationship before the marriage.


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## sava (Mar 17, 2012)

your very right river. I guess when he wanted to marry me i thought this was it, he is deciding he really wants to commit to this. I thought he was agreeing to my terms b/c he said those vowels. but ur right i should have judged by his past. Before marriage i didnt think there was anything we couldnt find common ground on b/c we loved eachother. He actually has changed in some good ways since we have been married, but those were things he agreed to. This is the one thing he will not compromise on. Things are getting better with resolving the fights. and even if we get to the point where our fighting is fine, i feel its always gonna be unsettling knowing he has this condition. Thanks for putting the past in perspective for me!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I guess I can see river's points.. But I say that it is really not fair of your hubby to basically threaten divorce at each fight. An arguement isn't going his way , all he has to do is say "divorce"... He doesn't like one of your opinions: "divorce"... will it get to the point of anything you do or say 'out of line' will result in "divorce" threat???

To me, it's just not worth it if you cannot be your true self. I guess, anytime there is a hint of an argument forming... leave, go off & treat yourself to something. Then write him a note as to why you were upset, or why you had those opinions. Surely it's not a fight if he can't argue back.?.. If he starts to question why you just "up and go somewhere" so much. Tell him it's becuase you don't want threatened with the old "I'll divorce you" line.


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## sava (Mar 17, 2012)

Elegirl: very good points. yes that is the best example, its always something small that gets blown out of proportion. The first time he broke up with me it was this same situation except i did what you are saying to do and didnt give into his behavior (apologize/cry). He had wanted me to move in and i said i just wasnt ready yet. he then shut off from me and after a few weeks of awkwardness he broke up with me. At that time i had acted like an adult when he behaved that way. I guess i am scared of him shutting down emotionally and then a break up. And at this point it hurts so much for him to continue this behavior that i just want to force him to communicate and its kind of hard to keep it together. also if i ignore him and say the next day he is over it, i feel that i still want to discuss it. i feel im trying to show him that things will be okay if we discuss it and we can work through fights not avoid them. this info will help a lot tho thanks!


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## sava (Mar 17, 2012)

chelle d: great advice! that is something i have not tried and could possibly help us progress into discussing things without me getting so hurt. thanks!


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## sava (Mar 17, 2012)

im hoping this is something he will grow out of. we are both 24 years old so i feel both have maturing to do, usually boys are a little bit slower then girls lol i have never used a forum before and i actually feel so much better just being able to talk to people who are non-biased about this! thank you!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You have the right to expect your husband to talk to you about something that you consider a serious problem.

He has the right to refuse.

You have the right to walk away, if he refuses to commit to the marriage.

Sounds to me like he is more concerned about being right and having things his way than he is about working things out. He doesn't want to compromise. He expects you to shape yourself to and around him and not object to anything or demand anything. If that's how you want to live, it is your choice. However, you can leave the relationship if it makes you unhappy. 

Yes, marriage is a commitment. However, if you two walked into the marriage with different definitions of what it would be, then the contract is essentially not a meeting of the minds -- which means, you don't have to feel bad about letting it go. You can't change his definition of marriage to yours; you can't change him, you can only express to him that you would like him to change and stay anyway or walk away if he doesn't.

By the way. I also agree with your pov about family of origin. You probably wouldn't sever all ties with a sibling or parent who refused to compromise, but you'd probably keep your distance if they were hurting you. Divorce isn't permanent, really. If he wants a relationship with you, he can always come back and court you again. Also, you can choose to separate until one of you decides what to do. Family of choice is also family. However, if your sibling constantly wanted to fight, you wouldn't spend time with him/her right? Same goes for your partner.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Let me get this straight. This guy kept breaking up with you because of supposed fighting and yet you married him anyway without resolving this in anyway shape form or fashion. And now you are surprised by the fact that he's STILL DOING IT???

At 10 months in I'd say unless he seeks counseling to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way without bailing I'd cut my losses and leave. A guy like this will absolutely divorce you when conflict happens unless you sweep it under the rug. I've been married for 20 years and I can assure you conflict WILL COME.


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

One book that may be very appropriate for your situation may be John Gottman's Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. The book is really about how to deal with conflicts constructively, and he talks about the different styles of arguing, and which displays of conflict are constructive, and which are destructive. Arguing isn't necessarily a bad thing, even volatile arguing. Here's a quote from a review:


> Gottman concludes here that a lasting relationship results from a couple's ability to resolve conflicts through any of the three styles of problem-solving that are found in healthy marriages- -validating, conflict-avoiding, and volatile. Numerous self-quizzes help couples determine the style that best suits them. Gottman points out, however, that couples whose interactions are marked by four characteristics--criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal--are in trouble, and he includes self-tests for diagnosing these destructive tactics, as well as steps for countering them.


I've read the book and I highly recommend it. Your husband may have had a lot of contempous arguing in his family, and now doesn't want anymore of it. Also, maybe one of both of you are doing some things (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or withdrawal) which are negative, and need to be dealt with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sava,

I do believe, as I said in my earlier post, that you need to handle his outbursts differently. However no the topic of him constantly threatening to leave you, you are right that this is completely unacceptable.

You could handle this is a couple of ways. One is to tell him that if he ever threatens that again you will assume that he is divorcing you and you will file for divorce as you will not tolerate these constant threats. Of course you will have to file when/if he says it again if go this route.

Another way of handling it is to just ignore them. You have taught him that his leaving and threats of his leaving will ensure that he gets his way. So you have to un-teach him this. Tell him that if he wants to leave you for whatever reason he needs to just leave. That you are just going to ignore his threats… if he leaves so be it. And you will not ever take him back again if he does leave or file for divorce. Also tell him that since he is threatening to leave you constantly you are starting to protect yourself by keeping a fund for your legal fees and enough money to start over. Let him know that his threats are not acceptable.

Tell him these things in a letter to avoid a fight/argument.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I would not like being in a marriage where I had to watch what I said in fear of triggering him into an argument. Arguments don't always have to be yelling, they can be heated, but sometimes they are necessary. People should have the right to get things off their chests and discuss things that bother them. You husband wants to go through life with no disagreements. That just isn't possible unless he wants to live alone. 

Perhaps he has a fear of confrontation. Did he have controlling parents? Was he raised to be seen and not heard? It sounds like in his past someone put duct tape on his mouth and he doesn't know how to get it off. He would rather run away than stand and fight.


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## Jane_2013 (Oct 14, 2013)

Hi sava,

I have exactly the same problem and would like to know what is your situation now. Would you please share what you have tried and how it worked?

Thanks!


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