# Husband with no sex drive



## Teddybear#1 (Jun 14, 2013)

I have known my husband for over 25 years. We have been together off and on and has always been the love of my life. We finally got together a few years ago and everything went great and we got married. We had a very active sex life and now he says that he is "comfortable" and that is not on his mind anymore. For the past year or so the only time we are intimate is when I initiate it and I can tell that he is only participating to make me happy. I love him with all my heart and am so torn as to what to do. He is not going elsewhere, just has no drive. Please any advise would be greatly appreciated


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Welcome! The best thing to do to start, is to read a bunch of threads here about HD and LD and spouses. Get yourself familiar with some of the standard ideas and advice.

You will need to give us more info about your sitch for us to help you.

How often is sex happening?

Is there affection, just not sex?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What else is going on? Does he have health problems? Is he depressed about something? as he had his T level checked, his thyroid checked? Is he avoiding ED issues? How is the relationship otherwise?


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## Teddybear#1 (Jun 14, 2013)

He does have depression, but has been on medication for over 10 years so it is not a new issue. He is on a steady shift and my hours are all over the place but I try to make time to spend with him when we are home together but he seems to just do his own thing, hates making plans and when I suggest stuff he says it is `pressure`. He gives me a kiss when he gets home and vice versa when i leave for work, the odd I love you, but not a whole lot more than that. The occassional time when we do spend time together he will hold my hand, but I always go to bed alone. Lots of times when I am `in the mood`he brushes it off, then maybe every couple of months he gives in but I have to start things and I can tell he isn`t into it. There is no ED, no problem in that department. He can be ready to go in a heartbeat, just no desire to do so


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

How do you know he's not going elsewhere?

Do you realize that just about every betrayed spouse believes the same exact thing?


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## Teddybear#1 (Jun 14, 2013)

I have asked him to go to the doctor, even said I would go with him but he says that he has no problem getting aroused when he is in the mood just no desire to. He also says he is scared to get the desire back because then he might want to stray. I am so hurt and confused as to what to do! I feel like it is me. He doesn't seem to understand how much it hurts me when he basically has no desire to be with me in that way.


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## Teddybear#1 (Jun 14, 2013)

He is a very honest person and I know its hard for some people to believe but if he were going somewhere else I would know it because he would tell me. He is very proud of being faithful since we have been together


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Teddybear#1 said:


> I have asked him to go to the doctor, even said I would go with him but he says that he has no problem getting aroused when he is in the mood just no desire to. *He also says he is scared to get the desire back because then he might want to stray*. I am so hurt and confused as to what to do! I feel like it is me. He doesn't seem to understand how much it hurts me when he basically has no desire to be with me in that way.


Bingo!

You might want to explore that theme a little more.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

How old is he?

Testosterone controls libido in males. It might be low T...

Was there a sudden drop off in his interest?

Have there been any changes in his depression meds about the time his libido dropped?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sorry for that post, I didn't mean to hit submit.

is it possible he has decided that not making love to you would be less hurtful than having to deal with infidelity? Whether in his past relationships our possibly in your current relationship, it seems like this is something he might be upset about.

I would talk with him about straying. In general terms if possible and see if his opinions shed any light. Then talk specifically about how much this hurst you. 

You can't make him change, nor change your needs for intimacy, but you can set clear expectations and boundaries and you can exercise options if he refuses. 

I'm so sorry this much be so hurtful to you. I can't imagine how I would cope in your shoes.


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## Teddybear#1 (Jun 14, 2013)

I have talked honestly to him on several occasions about this issue and yes, in past relationships he has strayed, and I am not proud of it, but it was with me during his last relationship, but they were only together for the kids, and they both knew it. I have told him that I can't live in a sexless marriage and his response is that he can't change who he is


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So what happened is that you met him and had affair sex, and you mistakenly believed that this is how sex would be while you were married to him, right?

Maybe what you need to do is pretend you are having an affair with him.

You know, sneak around and do it in hotel rooms and the back of cars.


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## Teddybear#1 (Jun 14, 2013)

No we met over 25 years ago when we were teenagers. We dated back then, we were too young it didn't work but remained very close friends over the years. He was there for my and my kids and I was there for him and his. I would be all for having these secret rendevouz but its hard to do that when the other person has no desire. When we first got married our sex life was very active, its only the past year and a half that it has gone downhill


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well I guess he does have a point though...doesn't he? If his sex drive came back, he would cheat on you and he is admitting that. Would you really want that risk? I know it sucks to not get the sex you are wanting, but wow, that's quite a high price to pay just to get sex, isn't it?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Maybe what you need to do is pretend you are having an affair with him.
> 
> You know, sneak around and do it in hotel rooms and the back of cars.


I am in love with this idea! I think maybe something like this might help me in my marriage, trying to establish commonalities and forge a new bond completely outside of home and family obligations.

What do you think?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I think you need to talk to your hubby about this and not let the issue drop until you get some sort of action from him. I let issues in my marriage go on way too long and it is a big regret.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

I have to wonder if he is a sex addict because it sounds a lot to me like a recovering alcoholic refusing a drink, because it'll cause an alcoholic relapse. Perhaps his drive is either 0 to 500% outta control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Teddybear#1 said:


> I have talked honestly to him on several occasions about this issue and yes, in past relationships he has strayed, and I am not proud of it, but it was with me during his last relationship, but they were only together for the kids, and they both knew it.


He cheated on you with his last girlfriend, but it was ok because they "both knew they were only together for the kids".

How do you know his exgirlfriend felt that way? Did the exgirlfriend agree to an open relationship where they could both go have sex with other people?

If so, then fine. If not, then forget about him being so honest.



Teddybear#1 said:


> He is a very honest person and I know its hard for some people to believe but if he were going somewhere else I would know it because he would tell me.


He's no better than any other cheater and you being with him while he's still got a girlfriend, only taking his word for it that she's on the same page doesn't paint you in such a positive light either.

A cheater who cheats with you will cheat on you. You're no different than his last girlfriends.

Don't fool yourself into believing otherwise.


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