# The definition of a housewife?



## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

Can anyone explain exact definition of what a housewife is? I am having a debate actually with my wife on what a housewife should be dong around the home. She feels that she takes care of the two kids all day, so she shouldn't have to cook or even clean the entire house. Please people give me some insight ond other thoughts.


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## examinerdeby (Aug 22, 2010)

Well, that's the million dollar question isn't it? I have worked outside the home in the beginning of my 29 yr. marriage and have been a housewife for many years now. My policy is that when my husband goes to work, I get to work. I clean, do laundry, cook dinner at night, tend the yard, handle the finances, do the shopping and now I write as well. When my children were young and I stopped working outside the home, I took care of them as well and did not have time to keep up with all the other chores I listed so my husband begrudgingly helped but, he did help. I end my work day at 5:00 just like my husband does. Anything left undone, I take care of the next day, just like any other job.

If you have children, that is a whole different ballgame. Do you know how much a nanny who does NO housework would cost you if the wife didn't tend to the children? We are talking cleaning, bathing, teaching them, keeping them safe, checking on them, talking to them, helping them do whatever they are doing, taking them outside (no, you may not cage your children! LOL), taking them to the library. 

When a housewife is busy all day long, and then the husband does nothing when he comes home at night and expects to be served...a wife doesn't usually feel like sex at night. She feels like sleeping because she's tired.

I hope this answers your question. Remember, this is in my life...I don't know all of your specifics.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Here is a list of things I do as a housewife that I am.
Take care of my two kids. They are 6 years old and 20 months.
Clean the house completely;mop, cook breakfast, lunch, do the dishes, the laundry, shopping(alone or wait for my husband and go together).
When my husband comes from work he helps me with the dinner, or even the cleaning of the house, because with two little kids, chores are never finished till the moment they go to sleep.
In my opinion: 
The housewife is the most difficult profession, because is 24 hours job, your social life is effected because of the kids, and some husbands do not value what a housewife does, only because their wifw doesn't bring money home.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Dude, that's not a "debate" I would take up with the wife. You will be at the losing end of that one, one way or another. But, for the heck of it, first let's sort one thing out .. how old are the children?

Since you say that she takes care of two kids all day, I'm assuming they are not yet school age - toddlers/preschoolers, then? Well, that's a full-time job right there. If she's caring for them well and not just plopping them in front of a television all day long, then she probably only has enough time to clean up after the mess that is made by them and their care during the day. For example, if she bathes them, she's got to pick up the bath area after. Whenever she feeds them, there will be dishes and such. The messes they make when they spill their juice or paint on the walls and all over themselves have to be cleaned up. You get my point. There's probably very little time for much of the other (real) cleaning that needs to be done.

The amount of time and energy required by children that young can be overwhelming. Unlike most regular jobs, this one truly does deserve a break when possible because this one goes on 24/7 for years and years. Sure, she could keep on cleaning while the children nap ... but the truth is that she deserves to care for herself a bit during those little bits of down time.

The way I see it, her job is to do the child care - to be a stay at home mom (and any associated tidying that goes with that). The "housewife" part is b.s. That title "housewife" is for women staying home with no children or whose children are at school full-time. In those instances, yes, by all means have that house spotless because what the heck else are you doing all day. But if there are children at home all day, you do whatever cleaning you can - but the focus has to be on the child care AND on self-care during down times.

In other words, your job is your job. Her job is the children. The housework belongs to both of you to be split up equally.

That's how I work it around here anyway. But my husband has worked from home and had the opportunity to do the full-time childcare first hand (I was out of town for 10 days), so he gets how hard it is to get anything done with little children underfoot.

If you want a spotless home, hire your wife a babysitter! I'm sure then she'll surely have the time to clean to your liking.

By the way, there are ways for her to manage a dinner for when you come home but that can require some coordination that maybe she hasn't managed. However, that still depends on the children's ages. When my son was under a year old and I also had his sister (only two years older than him), managing a true meal from scratch was nearly impossible (your children's temperament and independence levels can affect that). What I had to do was have my husband watch them during a weekend day and I would prep and season a bunch of stuff for the weekdays. We also ate a lot of frozen meals and the husband cooked often.

Anyway, maybe your wife's a total lazy chick and your kids are older and independent, etc. But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's a regular mom with two small children underfoot. It's not as easy as it looks. Double check your expectations. The best way to do that is, on your next vacation, take the kids full-day for a week and let her go away on a break. Even if you watch them a random day here or there, it's not the same ... you have to go at it a good number of days to really get it.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

breeze said:


> Well, I think it basically comes down to time management.
> 
> Looking after children is certainly time consuming, especially when they are little and at home. We are responsible for their health (mental and physical), education, safety etc, as well as our own of course, and our partners.
> 
> ...


I could definitly understand about spliting the duties up. The only thing I am saying is if I am bringing the money in also keeping the lawn kept, making sure the bills are paid, car is fixed, groceries are bought, than why can't the wife cook and clean often? I think that it stems from the way both parties grew up. I always tell my wife that she's the way she is because of her mom. Her mom never really had a real man or husband, so she only did things for herself and kids. So they do not know hwo to really treat a husband.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

FUEGO said:


> Her mom never really had a real man or husband, so she only did things for herself and kids. So they do not know hwo to really treat a husband.


Have you ever stopped to think for a second, maybe it's that your the one who doesn't know how to treat a wife??


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

examinerdeby said:


> Well, that's the million dollar question isn't it? I have worked outside the home in the beginning of my 29 yr. marriage and have been a housewife for many years now. My policy is that when my husband goes to work, I get to work. I clean, do laundry, cook dinner at night, tend the yard, handle the finances, do the shopping and now I write as well. When my children were young and I stopped working outside the home, I took care of them as well and did not have time to keep up with all the other chores I listed so my husband begrudgingly helped but, he did help. I end my work day at 5:00 just like my husband does. Anything left undone, I take care of the next day, just like any other job.
> 
> If you have children, that is a whole different ballgame. Do you know how much a nanny who does NO housework would cost you if the wife didn't tend to the children? We are talking cleaning, bathing, teaching them, keeping them safe, checking on them, talking to them, helping them do whatever they are doing, taking them outside (no, you may not cage your children! LOL), taking them to the library.
> 
> ...


That's understandable but at the same time if my wife has time for things such as talking on the phone with her family or friends, than how come she cannot have time to arrange the bills or anything? That was my biggest issue which we are working on. I do think it has something to do with the way a person was raised. This goes for husbands as well as wives, because depending on what was taught from your parents does have an effect on you. Growing up my mom did everything you said. She was a stay at home mom who cooked,cleaned, did the yard, arrange bills, and also on her spare time created a small business to generate more income. My wife on the other hand grew up with her mom working and not really showing her much as a mother would. She seen her mom make special dinners only on occassion like Thanksgiving or Xmas. Her mom would make quick hamburger helper and all. I tell me wife that her mom had an excuse because she worked. But the thing is my wife doesn't work, so I do not think there's a big excuse there.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

breeze said:


> That theory makes absolutely no sense to me to be honest.
> 
> You're putting the fact that she doesn't want to cook and clean down to seeing her mother doing absolutely everything around the house, on her own, no help from a husband? :rofl:
> 
> ...


I am not saying that it's the thought process of mine. I am saying that it does make sense and there are people in this world that are a product of their enviroment. My father didn't do all the things I do, so I do not fall into that category. Also I didn't mean I do not help with dishes and kids. What I did mean is that if you just take care of the kids and that's it how is that fair? If a husband or wife works all day and has to come home and do all the home duties how is that an even marriage? Also how is that a housewife? This is why I asked what everyone's definition of a housewife was.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> Have you ever stopped to think for a second, maybe it's that your the one who doesn't know how to treat a wife??


Lol that's hilarious what you asked Crypsys. I actually woudl liek you to explain what treating a wife good is? Is it doing everything for her when she doesn't do anything? Is it letting her spend all the money and let your bills go? Let me know, I want to learn something new.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

breeze said:


> That theory makes absolutely no sense to me to be honest.
> 
> You're putting the fact that she doesn't want to cook and clean down to seeing her mother doing absolutely everything around the house, on her own, no help from a husband? :rofl:
> 
> ...


Also if you would have really read what I wrote, I compared my mom with her not her mom with her. I am saying my mom was a stay at home mother like my wife. My thing is I help out in the house and with my kids. See the thing I see is that a lot of you on here are probably older than me, so your theories are probably right but you may not remember back to when you were my age.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

FUEGO said:


> Lol that's hilarious what you asked Crypsys. I actually woudl liek you to explain what treating a wife good is? Is it doing everything for her when she doesn't do anything? Is it letting her spend all the money and let your bills go? Let me know, I want to learn something new.


It was a question I am simply asking. So many times we take for granted what our spouses do around the house. We then have focus on the few things that aren't done and we forget about the 100's of things that ARE done. 

Why don't you two sit down separately with a sheet of paper. Then each of you put down two columns on the sheet (myself on one column, my spouse on the other). Spend 5 minutes writing down the things you do around the house on a weekly basis on your column. Then, spend 5 minutes writing the things down you can think of that your SPOUSE does around the house on the other column. After your done, come together and compare what you each wrote down.

You may find out it's a very eye opening experience for you both. My wife is not a SAHM and we did something similar in order to even out the household duties between each other. It really helped us.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

Deb* said:


> Here is a list of things I do as a housewife that I am.
> Take care of my two kids. They are 6 years old and 20 months.
> Clean the house completely;mop, cook breakfast, lunch, do the dishes, the laundry, shopping(alone or wait for my husband and go together).
> When my husband comes from work he helps me with the dinner, or even the cleaning of the house, because with two little kids, chores are never finished till the moment they go to sleep.
> ...


I definitly value housewife. I do respect you for doing all of what you do. That's is my thing the definition of a housewife in my opinion you stated in your response. I do help with the cleaning and also the kids. Dinner is not my specialty, so I cannot lie and say I make dinner. I think that it should be a 50/50 marriage and no one person should have everything piled on them. It really annoys me that a person that says they are so tired from housework and everything canot find the time to help call a utility bill or anything, but can call and make arrangements for her sisters and families bills.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

This is an interesting thread. I have been a SAHM for about 4 years, and I am fixing to head back to college next week. In my 4 years I did the cooking, the cleaning, the child rearing ( my two boys just both started going to full time school), and paying the bills, car maintenance etc. Why do I try to handle things myself most of the time? Well, because my husband treats me well and appreciates all the things I do to keep our family running. He does contribute and he grills us dinner usually once or twice a week. He will do laundry and help pick up. But he also isn't up my butt about things that didn't get done. He treats me like a person. How do you treat your wife? You say you told her that her mom had an excuse, she worked. Why would your wife need an excuse? Seriously, hamber helper? Who cares, its food be glad you have it. I make tacos once a week and usually meals that can be cooked in half an hour or so. Does that make me a bad housewife?? Nope. Because my husband can open his eyes and see what all I do day to day. I would really take crypsys' advice and try it that way. And honestly, if you treat your wife like a servant, no she won't be doing her best. She'll be doing the least that she can.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I was glad you said that a marriage should be 50/50 because you were coming across like you thought it was 1950 with the housewife expectations. 

Some things that you might consider:

Did your wife want to be a housewife, or was it just something that happened? 

Does your wife even like to cook? 

Is she depressed? 

Does she resent you and your expectations of her?

Is she sitting around watching soap operas, or is she tending to the kids and whatever household chores she can? 

IMO, being a housewife is a lot of work, monotonous, and thankless. You really should be careful how you tread here. Devaluing her work can lead to serious resentment.

Going back to how people are raised, that's an interesting idea, but I'm not sure it pans out. Most likely having a single mother, your wife would have learned how to run a household early. The question is, how different are your and her expectation of a housewife? 

I was raised by an independent single mother and spent weekends with my father who wanted to teach me how to be a good housewife. I turned into a feminist who is actually pretty awesome at the "housewifely duties." But, if my husband didn't help and had these expectations of me, and came home all "where's my dinner?" I'd be on strike in a second. Seriously. And the resentment would run deep. He appreciates what I do, and therefore I am happy to do it.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

MsLady said:


> ... The best way to do that is, on your next vacation, take the kids full-day for a week and let her go away on a break. Even if you watch them a random day here or there, it's not the same ... you have to go at it a good number of days to really get it.


:iagree: and I would say better still if your wife can get some temporary work rather than be on a break. That way you BOTH get a good appreciation of what the other goes through. We've done this many times in the past and I know it's hard to get home and have to start cooking a meal and so this would give your wife a chance to appreciate this if she doesn't already. Likewise, you'll get a good feel of how it is to not have a break all day - no scheduled coffee break or lunch hour. With young children you often don't even get a break to go to the bathroom until you're absolutely desperate and have to really rush at basic things such as showering. 

I can remember the first time I ever had a day off. It came about by accident. A relative was looking after the children for the day whilst I went out to work but I was sick and ended up staying at home. Even though I was sick, and much as I love my kids, it felt WONDERFUL not to be "on call" all day. 

Another option worth thinking about is planning a day off for each of you on a regular basis - e.g. say every second Saturday, in turns, one of you will have a day off - i.e. the person having the day off has no obligations whatsoever the whole day - sometimes I would choose to stay in bed all day, sometimes I'd spend the day catching up on housework that I'd got behind with during the week, or go out shopping, or meet up with a friend, or have a leisurely bubble bath, or just sit back and reflect. Other times I'd choose to spend part of the day having unhurried "quality" time with the kids but the great thing is that I was not obligated to do anything and could pick and choose what I wanted to do, or to do nothing. It made me feel human again to know I would be able to have a day off once in a while. I'm sure my husband looked forward to his day off too.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

In our house, it means that I take care of the house and the kids. That means I do the cleaning, the majority of the cooking (he will if he wants something special and wants to cook it, or to give me a break now and then), get the kids to/from school, help with homework, do parent/teacher conferences, deal with drs/dentists/vision, make sure the bills are paid on time, stay home for repairment if they're needed, grocery shop, laundry, etc. Now...our definition also changes slightly depending on our circumstances. For example, right now he's driving a dump truck locally, and home every night. So I expect him to help out with our oldest's math homework (since I suck at math), or I will ask him to swap a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer if I'm in the middle of mashing potatoes or something. But...he is about to go back over the road as a truck driver, and will be gone 2-3 weeks at a time. So, then I will do everything, and he will do..nothing. When on the road, he busts his butt to make money and doesn't get the luxury of falling into our nice soft bed at night next to me, having a home cooked meal every night or immediate, easy access to clean laundry. So for the 2-3 days he's home, nope, I'm not going to ask him to do anything, generally. Now, if my car needs an oil change or a light is on, I will ask him to take a look at it and fix it if he can, or if we need a repair around the house that I can't do but he is capable of, I will ask him to do that to save us the cost of a handyman. But otherwise, it's all on me. And at the same time, I also do some stuff online to make extra money. 

But I also know some stay at home moms who do nothing but care for the kids. And I even know one who pays a nanny to watch her kids so she can clean the house. I think the definition all depends on the family to decide.


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## SarahMarshall (Aug 14, 2010)

I'm an oilfield "widow", so I guess I might view things a little differently. My husband can literally be working for days in a row without knowing when a job will end, if he's lucky he'll get to come home and sleep 3-4 hours before going back out. After a couple of months of absolutely zero time off he finally took his first set of days off. 

We have a 5 year old that will be starting elementary school soon. I cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of our daughter. To be entirely honest, while I understand the job of parenting takes a lot... I get bored sitting at home all day so I also work 30 hours a week. Our daughter is about to start elementary school and my hours are while she's going to be in school. My job is also very flexible. 

Maybe it's just easier with one child, I don't know, but I've never really had much of a problem making time to keep our house in good shape (I even clean the bathroom twice a week because I cannot STAND a dirty bathroom), spending time with our daughter and working. Of course... I usually only sleep about 5 hours a night too.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

DawnD said:


> This is an interesting thread. I have been a SAHM for about 4 years, and I am fixing to head back to college next week. In my 4 years I did the cooking, the cleaning, the child rearing ( my two boys just both started going to full time school), and paying the bills, car maintenance etc. Why do I try to handle things myself most of the time? Well, because my husband treats me well and appreciates all the things I do to keep our family running. He does contribute and he grills us dinner usually once or twice a week. He will do laundry and help pick up. But he also isn't up my butt about things that didn't get done. He treats me like a person. How do you treat your wife? You say you told her that her mom had an excuse, she worked. Why would your wife need an excuse? Seriously, hamber helper? Who cares, its food be glad you have it. I make tacos once a week and usually meals that can be cooked in half an hour or so. Does that make me a bad housewife?? Nope. Because my husband can open his eyes and see what all I do day to day. I would really take crypsys' advice and try it that way. And honestly, if you treat your wife like a servant, no she won't be doing her best. She'll be doing the least that she can.


OK Maybe you all are not reading what I am typing. I didn't say my wife made hamburger helper, I said that that's what her mom used to do for her, so she didn't grow up in a home where her mom took time to cook healthy dinners for the family. My wife rarely cooks anything. Without you knowing my wife you really shouldn't make comment and say things like I treat my wife like a servant. I in fact do everything, the only thing my wife does is take care of my children. I do everything else myself. I have been doing this for the last 3 years of our marriage. So please do not sit here and treat me like I am some guy that treats my wife badly. Ask me a question before you assume things.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

SarahMarshall said:


> I'm an oilfield "widow", so I guess I might view things a little differently. My husband can literally be working for days in a row without knowing when a job will end, if he's lucky he'll get to come home and sleep 3-4 hours before going back out. After a couple of months of absolutely zero time off he finally took his first set of days off.
> 
> We have a 5 year old that will be starting elementary school soon. I cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of our daughter. To be entirely honest, while I understand the job of parenting takes a lot... I get bored sitting at home all day so I also work 30 hours a week. Our daughter is about to start elementary school and my hours are while she's going to be in school. My job is also very flexible.
> 
> Maybe it's just easier with one child, I don't know, but I've never really had much of a problem making time to keep our house in good shape (I even clean the bathroom twice a week because I cannot STAND a dirty bathroom), spending time with our daughter and working. Of course... I usually only sleep about 5 hours a night too.


Thanks for not jumping down my throat lol. I am the same way. I just finished my bachelors degree in school so before two months ago I was a full time student, worked 50-55 hours per week, and also have my own business. So I am very tired like your husband. I do not expect my wife to do anything but I would think it would be nice to come home and dinner is cooked. A lot of the women on here can only see a women's point of view on things. They do not sit back and see both sides of the fence. If any of the ladies up here had a husband sit at home and only change the diapers of the children, take them for walks, and watch movies with them, than they would be complaining. But because a man is complaining I am a bad guy in the situation.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> In our house, it means that I take care of the house and the kids. That means I do the cleaning, the majority of the cooking (he will if he wants something special and wants to cook it, or to give me a break now and then), get the kids to/from school, help with homework, do parent/teacher conferences, deal with drs/dentists/vision, make sure the bills are paid on time, stay home for repairment if they're needed, grocery shop, laundry, etc. Now...our definition also changes slightly depending on our circumstances. For example, right now he's driving a dump truck locally, and home every night. So I expect him to help out with our oldest's math homework (since I suck at math), or I will ask him to swap a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer if I'm in the middle of mashing potatoes or something. But...he is about to go back over the road as a truck driver, and will be gone 2-3 weeks at a time. So, then I will do everything, and he will do..nothing. When on the road, he busts his butt to make money and doesn't get the luxury of falling into our nice soft bed at night next to me, having a home cooked meal every night or immediate, easy access to clean laundry. So for the 2-3 days he's home, nope, I'm not going to ask him to do anything, generally. Now, if my car needs an oil change or a light is on, I will ask him to take a look at it and fix it if he can, or if we need a repair around the house that I can't do but he is capable of, I will ask him to do that to save us the cost of a handyman. But otherwise, it's all on me. And at the same time, I also do some stuff online to make extra money.
> 
> But I also know some stay at home moms who do nothing but care for the kids. And I even know one who pays a nanny to watch her kids so she can clean the house. I think the definition all depends on the family to decide.


Your right it does depend on what we all decide. My point is just that I am not expecting anything, but when your a stay at home mom or dad you cannot just sit there and change diapers, play with the kids, and that's all. I know when I had a month off from working I did everything around the home. Now I am not the best cook but I did cook on the grill a lot. I just think that some women have the luxury of their husbands not working but regular shifts at work so the husbands have the energy to help more. Also many people are of different cultures, so they are taught differently.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

Bluemoon7 said:


> I was glad you said that a marriage should be 50/50 because you were coming across like you thought it was 1950 with the housewife expectations.
> 
> Some things that you might consider:
> 
> ...


I agree with you. Now to answer some of your questions, no I do not think my wife wanted to be a housewife. Yes my wife watches E, mtv, and housewives. She also does take care of the childrens diapers and feedings. Now doubt as a husband there are things that I need to step up and do. You did mention 1950's when it comes to how a housewife should act. Now what if your husband or I stopped working as many hours as we do, in order to help out with the household duties more. As a result of us taking off work to help out with those duties the light or phone gets cut off. So than are we as men now "expected" to do something about those bills?


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

I really want someone to answer me the question of what if I stopped working many hours at work, in order to be at home more to help with the duties around the home so there's dinner and the house is clean everyday. As a result of me being at home more the lights get turned off, because now we do not have enough to maintain that due to me cutting back on hours at work. What is expected at this time?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

First of all Fuego, I didn't accuse you of treating your wife like a servant, I just informed you that IF you did, it wouldn't be productive. Why don't you ask me questions before you jump down my throat and assume you know what I mean?

Second, I told you how my husband motivates me to want to take care of our house. This might not motivate your wife. You said you don't think she ever wanted to be a housewife. Okay, talk about her getting a part time or full time job and splitting the responsibilities. My H and I did it for 4 years ( we were both AD until my oldest one was 4) and it is doable. Stressful but doable.

Why are you getting so defensive with everyone and anyone asking if you relay to your wife that you appreciate what she does do? 

I think you are going to have to sit down and talk about what you both need. Honestly, even if she did cook would it be good enough for you? You keep insisting that her mom didn't show her how to do any of that, so can you be sure that you would even appreciate any attempts by her to make dinner?

And yes I can see both sides of the situation. I have been on both sides of the fence. And when it comes to SAHP's you have to show respect and gratitude for what they are doing in order for them to WANT to do anything above the minimum.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*

Sorry Fuego, the term is too generic. It's sort of like asking what a businessman is. I guess one who engages in business right?

It's situational. Which means you two need to sit down and define your own expectations and definitions as your circumstance is well...your circumstance. 

I think the best approach is to consider it a job, which means significant and comparable effort is put in. However, with that in mind, everything duty wise after you are home ought to be shared.

Anyway, just one man's thoughts.

LIL


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

DawnD said:


> First of all Fuego, I didn't accuse you of treating your wife like a servant, I just informed you that IF you did, it wouldn't be productive. Why don't you ask me questions before you jump down my throat and assume you know what I mean?
> 
> Second, I told you how my husband motivates me to want to take care of our house. This might not motivate your wife. You said you don't think she ever wanted to be a housewife. Okay, talk about her getting a part time or full time job and splitting the responsibilities. My H and I did it for 4 years ( we were both AD until my oldest one was 4) and it is doable. Stressful but doable.
> 
> ...


Dawn I am not getting defensive. io appreciate what you said because it actually is giving me another women's point of view. So I am not getting upset because there would be no need to. I posted this for different opinions not for you all to share the same views I do. Now as far as what you said about getting a job and splitting up responsibilities I offered that and she declined. Also the cooking of the dinner part is a big deal because of the time I get home from work and if I was to cook than we wouldn't eat until well over 8pm, which is not good. The reason I bring her mom into the conversation is because her mom and family are big influences in her life and they have a lot to do with why she is the way she is. Her family might be the problem, because of the influence and also how they raised her. I am not the type of man that just demands things from my wife like I am some king on a throne. I just feel like if it's equal and I am expected to pay the bills and work, than shouldn't I be able to expect certain things done also? Also I didn't see everyone ask me a question, some people actually told me what I should do, which that's why I came back the way I did. But just know I do appreciate what you and others say and I thank you for telling me this and I hope you can help me with other issues I may have. You guys give a lot of insight on things and that's very good. I am not sure how long you've been married but I am fairly new it's only been 2.5 years.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

FUEGO said:


> I really want someone to answer me the question of what if I stopped working many hours at work, in order to be at home more to help with the duties around the home so there's dinner and the house is clean everyday. As a result of me being at home more the lights get turned off, because now we do not have enough to maintain that due to me cutting back on hours at work. What is expected at this time?


A marriage is a partnership, but this sounds more like a threat! It sounds as though you have built up some resentment towards your wife because you don't feel she is pulling her weight in the marriage, and while understandable, resentment is a marriage killer.

Whether it's the environment in which you are raised or your personality (I grew up in a messy house but am the opposite), this is where in marriage you realize you are two individuals and how clean you want to keep your house can vary from one person to the next. Same with healthy, home-cooked meals. There is a good chance that these things hold less importance to your wife than they do to you...so she doesn't ignore them just to annoy you but probably they are not on her priority list.

I tend to agree with you on this, but I also have always worked full-time and it seems when I hardly have a spare minute in the day I just force myself to keep going because I have to ... and now that my kids are older, I feel semi-retired even though I still work full-time and have 2 kids still living at home.

My fantasy of housewife involved bon-bons and soap operas but I know how exhausting caring for young children can be...but there are good days and not so good days and I don't think making an effort to put dinner on the table is too much to ask...depending on work and kid schedules, I do a quick pasta meal some days when I don't have time to cook...slow cooker is also my friend...throw pot roast and veggies in before work and slow cook til dinner time...it doesn't need to be a 7 course production to be a nice meal & she could do the prep work when you are home if she cannot do it when you are gone and she has the kids.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*



lastinline said:


> Sorry Fuego, the term is too generic. It's sort of like asking what a businessman is. I guess one who engages in business right?
> 
> It's situational. Which means you two need to sit down and define your own expectations and definitions as your circumstance is well...your circumstance.
> 
> ...


That's a good look on that. Your 100% correct that everything should be shared once I am home. The question I have is that should everything be put on hold until I come home? Also do you feel that men or women are certain ways because of the way their parents did things?


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

swedish said:


> A marriage is a partnership, but this sounds more like a threat! It sounds as though you have built up some resentment towards your wife because you don't feel she is pulling her weight in the marriage, and while understandable, resentment is a marriage killer.
> 
> Whether it's the environment in which you are raised or your personality (I grew up in a messy house but am the opposite), this is where in marriage you realize you are two individuals and how clean you want to keep your house can vary from one person to the next. Same with healthy, home-cooked meals. There is a good chance that these things hold less importance to your wife than they do to you...so she doesn't ignore them just to annoy you but probably they are not on her priority list.
> 
> ...


I applaud you and every women for what they do for their family. Your right though about resentment and the priority list. See my thing is when we got married I told my wife what I wanted out of a wife and she told me what she wanted out of a husband. She tells me certain things now that I can do to live up to what she wanted that I may be slacking in. Now when she tells me I change, but when I tell her she doesn't seem to change. I can count on my hand how many meals period was cooked. We order out like everynight. The house is not cleaned daily only the living room is straightened up and kitchen. So my thing is if none of these things are done what does she do all day? So that's my problem. I can understand the kids are definitly a job but my 2 year old will sit infront of a 2 hour movie and not talk move or anything. Why can't anything be done during that time. My thing is that I know deep down my wife isn't lazy but I think her family calling so much may cause her to focus on that and not her family, but that is for another topic lol. I mentioned before about her family and mom because they seem to be the same way. But the only thing is they just have baby fathers and not husbands. The fact that they act this way could be the reason they aren't married.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

Advocado said:


> :iagree: and I would say better still if your wife can get some temporary work rather than be on a break. That way you BOTH get a good appreciation of what the other goes through. We've done this many times in the past and I know it's hard to get home and have to start cooking a meal and so this would give your wife a chance to appreciate this if she doesn't already. Likewise, you'll get a good feel of how it is to not have a break all day - no scheduled coffee break or lunch hour. With young children you often don't even get a break to go to the bathroom until you're absolutely desperate and have to really rush at basic things such as showering.
> 
> I can remember the first time I ever had a day off. It came about by accident. A relative was looking after the children for the day whilst I went out to work but I was sick and ended up staying at home. Even though I was sick, and much as I love my kids, it felt WONDERFUL not to be "on call" all day.
> 
> Another option worth thinking about is planning a day off for each of you on a regular basis - e.g. say every second Saturday, in turns, one of you will have a day off - i.e. the person having the day off has no obligations whatsoever the whole day - sometimes I would choose to stay in bed all day, sometimes I'd spend the day catching up on housework that I'd got behind with during the week, or go out shopping, or meet up with a friend, or have a leisurely bubble bath, or just sit back and reflect. Other times I'd choose to spend part of the day having unhurried "quality" time with the kids but the great thing is that I was not obligated to do anything and could pick and choose what I wanted to do, or to do nothing. It made me feel human again to know I would be able to have a day off once in a while. I'm sure my husband looked forward to his day off too.


That's a good idea. I have told ehr just get a small part time job or start a home business and I will just work early Am's.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*

*The question I have is that should everything be put on hold until I come home?*

Hmm, thought we'd addressed that: *"I think the best approach is to consider it a job, which means significant and comparable effort is put in."*

It's tragically unfair for any party to "coast" in a relationship. Resentment and love do not go well together. I think the right way to describe this Feugo isn't "housewife", but "someone who works within the home". Nuff said?

LIL


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

This by no means is a solution to your problems, but this is a temp fix for the dinner situation. Talk to your wife and let her know since she doesn't want to cook dinner at nights, you will need her to keep the kids Saturday so you can make and freeze meals for the week. Get some nice tupperware and make a weeks worth of meals every Saturday. Tell her it has to be that or she will have to help with the dinner schedules and cooking during the week. 

I can see the frustration and the situation becomes more clear every time you reply. I don't think you are asking too much of your wife, but I do think that maybe your approach is hindering your ability to make it clear what you need. Do you get frustrated when you two try to talk about household responsibilities at home?? 

I am sure that you have some resentment built up over how your life is right now. When I was AD Army, my H and I both worked from 0530 until god knows when at night. And I was still expected to do all the household duties, tend to the kids, drs appts, cleaning, bill paying, grocery shopping, etc, etc. I know the place where you are at where you almost feel like "whats the point of having you around if I am on my own anyway?" Am I right about that with you??


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

DawnD said:


> This by no means is a solution to your problems, but this is a temp fix for the dinner situation. Talk to your wife and let her know since she doesn't want to cook dinner at nights, you will need her to keep the kids Saturday so you can make and freeze meals for the week. Get some nice tupperware and make a weeks worth of meals every Saturday. Tell her it has to be that or she will have to help with the dinner schedules and cooking during the week.
> 
> I can see the frustration and the situation becomes more clear every time you reply. I don't think you are asking too much of your wife, but I do think that maybe your approach is hindering your ability to make it clear what you need. Do you get frustrated when you two try to talk about household responsibilities at home??
> 
> I am sure that you have some resentment built up over how your life is right now. When I was AD Army, my H and I both worked from 0530 until god knows when at night. And I was still expected to do all the household duties, tend to the kids, drs appts, cleaning, bill paying, grocery shopping, etc, etc. I know the place where you are at where you almost feel like "whats the point of having you around if I am on my own anyway?" Am I right about that with you??


Definitly lol. I have thought that many times. If I am the only one doing everything than why get married. I think my wife also does not know what a marriage really is and what it takes to make one successful. It does get frustrating especially when you ask for the help. I was in the hospital for a week and when I got home same situation. The day after I got out of the hospital I was already running around paying bills and doing errands. I also went back to work a few days after, because who else would have done it.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*



lastinline said:


> *The question I have is that should everything be put on hold until I come home?*
> 
> Hmm, thought we'd addressed that: *"I think the best approach is to consider it a job, which means significant and comparable effort is put in."*
> 
> ...


I get you. That may be a better question and answer.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well then you are in the exact place I was LOL. It is one huge rut and definately difficult to get out of. Especially when the other half isn't interested in helping anyone but themselves. 

I think somewhere on here ( maybe even your post) someone suggested writing down all the household duties and sitting together and dividing them. It may be that she truly doesn't know all that you are doing, or she chooses to acknowledge all that you are doing. It really could be a toss up on that one.

Are there way she can simplify the things that you do?? Such as you write the checks, but she delivers them to make your payments? You make the grocery list but she does the shopping? I know it can suck going shopping with kids, but it isn't impossible by any means. 

This is how my H and I view it now, after the funk we got stuck in. He handles the lawn, he goes to work and he goes to the gym. He will help with small tasks when needed such as helping my son finish up some homework or loading the dishwasher.He will even grill on the weekends. I do all the rest. BUT he ensures that I have some down time, which makes me more competent as a parent and also helps me realize that my H needs some down time too. 

You don't really mention how the weekends ( or your off days rather) go at home. Could you give me a little insight? Are your off days spent running errands?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Oh, the other thing you have been asking about "upbringing". I do think that it goes one way or another with kids. I am a** backwards from the way my parents were, but my brother is JUST LIKE THEM. I think it just honestly depends on the personality of the guy/girl in question. My mom stopped working as soon as she got pregnant. My brother asked his wife to stop working when she got pregnant. I didn't stop working until my oldest was 4. That was only because he is autistic and having two parents in the military was unreasonable with his needs. My youngest was 2 then. Just makes me think that you can either be just like your parents or exact opposites LOL>


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*

It's possible to watch children, clean house, and even do other things like laundry if one WANTS TO do it. Housewife, husband, whomever.

If one is resentful and feels like they shouldn't have to do a darn thing beyond watching children, then they say things like not doing housework.

It's about time management and attitude.

Sure, the smallest children are the hardest but that time passes soon.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*

*


michzz said:



It's possible to watch children, clean house, and even do other things like laundry if one WANTS TO do it. Housewife, husband, whomever.

If one is resentful and feels like they shouldn't have to do a darn thing beyond watching children, then they say things like not doing housework.

It's about time management and attitude.

Sure, the smallest children are the hardest but that time passes soon.

Click to expand...

*AMEN michzz.

LIL


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*

My husband and I take turns with cooking and doing the chores. I think years ago it was more of the norm to have the wife cook and clean while the husband went out to work. Now both parents work and there is less time for doing things around the house. My husband and I both work and at first he expected me to do all the cooking and cleaning. Now we have come to an agreement that we will alternate with the cooking and the cleaning so that no one feels overwhelmed. Taking care of a household is a job in itself. Maybe get a dry erase board and come up with a schedule of some sort. Sounds corny, but it helped in my house. Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*

I think it really depends on the kids and what she's doing with them. Some kids need more supervision than others. I've done the single parent thing and I've supervised other kids. Some kids are just an exhausting full time job by themselves. Sticking a dull kid in front of a TV isn't a big trick but if she's interacting with them and stimulating them, she's doing quite a lot. If yall have really small kids and she keeps the house in a livable state of chaos, she's actually sort of amazing. If she fixes anything that doesn't kill you, be grateful and enjoy. Being a housewife isn't the same as being unemployed. Most full time housewives would eagerly swap for a 40 hour work week. They'd find it a vacation. Pitch in wherever you can and try to be patient. It aint as easy as it looks.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Well then you are in the exact place I was LOL. It is one huge rut and definately difficult to get out of. Especially when the other half isn't interested in helping anyone but themselves.
> 
> I think somewhere on here ( maybe even your post) someone suggested writing down all the household duties and sitting together and dividing them. It may be that she truly doesn't know all that you are doing, or she chooses to acknowledge all that you are doing. It really could be a toss up on that one.
> 
> ...


Pretty much my days off are running around going to the stores. It's crazy, if I try to approach the situation than all of a sudden it turns into a huge argument. I am at the end of my rope and do not knwo what more to say or do.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

*Re: What is the definition of a housewife?*



unbelievable said:


> I think it really depends on the kids and what she's doing with them. Some kids need more supervision than others. I've done the single parent thing and I've supervised other kids. Some kids are just an exhausting full time job by themselves. Sticking a dull kid in front of a TV isn't a big trick but if she's interacting with them and stimulating them, she's doing quite a lot. If yall have really small kids and she keeps the house in a livable state of chaos, she's actually sort of amazing. If she fixes anything that doesn't kill you, be grateful and enjoy. Being a housewife isn't the same as being unemployed. Most full time housewives would eagerly swap for a 40 hour work week. They'd find it a vacation. Pitch in wherever you can and try to be patient. It aint as easy as it looks.


She is sticking my oldest infront of the tv while she talks to her family on the phone. I do feel like everything should be shared as far as duties, but I shouldn't have 75% of the responsibilities.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

[merged duplicate threads] please do not post the same topic in more than one forum


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I prefer stay at home mom to housewife myself and have been a stay at home mom for six years. I did work for the first eight years while we had our first two children and I can tell you flat out that working and being a parent/partner was far easier for me than staying home and for many reasons. 

The first being that while working for eight hours I had my own brain as in I could take a lunch or bathroom break without wobbling a toddler on my lap or making sure my other child wasn't off climbing to his death on furniture. 

The second was that I got rewarded with paychecks/pay raises that legitimized and made my work seem worthwhile and instantly important. I felt respected and admired for my work.

The third was if I got sick I could take a sick day and get better.

I'm sure there were more but these are the three I remember most. I hope they give you a chance to consider that your wife deserves to be appreciated and applauded for the thankless, unpaid job she does and also for spending time to raise your little ones. Making her feel like what she does isn't enough will never result in her doing more but only in her thinking you're a jerk.

Now, here are the reasons I left my job so that I hope you can also see how important your wife's job is (without considering house cleaning/cooking).

The first was that my kids were always sick while in daycare. This meant a lot of time off that I had to take to care for them (or my husband did but it was almost always me) and it meant then I'd get sick...hence the sick time I got paid for was used really quickly.

The second was the cost. Here in NJ six years ago, we paid $440 a week (Yep! Almost $2k a month!) for daycare and that was from 7am - 6:30pm with a charge if you showed up late.

The third was that I didn't get to spend the quality time with my kids, someone else was and I hated that. I wanted to be the one to notice their first tooth, first steps, etc. I hated not being there.

So, my main point to you is not that you're unreasonable but just that you're looking at it solely from your perspective without giving what your wife does any value. In reality, there is a large value to what she's doing already. I can tell you from experience that being a stay at home mom is the most boring, tedious, unappreciated job there is. In the end, it's also the most rewarding for the entire family but that's sort of sums up children in general... conundrum!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

breeze said:


> Lol, I marvel at women who can keep a clean house most of the time and look after kids. I had my mothers group over yesterday, so busted my butt all morning catching up on housework while the kids ran around and underfoot. I've had it clean all of one day, by tomorrow it'll be terrible again, lol.
> 
> I find it very hard to keep the house clean day to day, there's always something sliding. If I have the floors clean, there'll be a pile of washing a mile high that needs folding. If I keep the bathroom clean, there's be toys covering the floor of every room.
> 
> Yet I still have time to talk to people and post on a forum... but I so need contact with people. Talking to my DH isn't enough. My need for conversation is actually huge, and if I don't, I get terribly lonely. I don't believe we were designed to live in these single family units. Families used to be big and always underfoot, always people to help with raising the children and to talk to. Now we're expected to do it all on our own, and devote constant attention to our children, without thought for ourselves. It's just not a great solution in my opinion, but what choice do we have.


Breeze, I totally agree with you.


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## examinerdeby (Aug 22, 2010)

I used to tease my husband and tell him "You're not a millionaire who can afford Mary Poppins and Martha Stewart." 

He didn't find it as funny as I did. lol


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I prefer stay at home mom to housewife myself and have been a stay at home mom for six years. I did work for the first eight years while we had our first two children and I can tell you flat out that working and being a parent/partner was far easier for me than staying home and for many reasons.
> 
> The first being that while working for eight hours I had my own brain as in I could take a lunch or bathroom break without wobbling a toddler on my lap or making sure my other child wasn't off climbing to his death on furniture.
> 
> ...


I respect what your saying. But I do give what my wife does value. But what I am saying is that if she is a stay at home mom that's cool. The point I am trying to make is that how is a stay at home mom only supposed to deal with the kids only. Part of taking care of the kids is making sure they eat quality food on time and also having the home during the day clean for them. Also taking care of them is not allowing them to run crazy through the house and then when daddy gets home it looks crazy. Both my wife and I have to have a balance and it just seems like she doesn't want that. Also my wife stays at home, but than expects us to be able to go visit her family in California and everything. How can we do that on one salary? This cannot happen, so my thing is I do not mind her staying home, I just don't want her to act like a spoiled brat either. Also I want her to consider me as her husband to like I do her.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm curious how you have tried to discuss this with your wife? That might help us understand if she is busy all day or acting spoiled. We also don't know the kid's ages, but if there are bottles and diapers involved, that could really be a job in itself. 

Have you told her that you want to eat healthy dinners at home, and that you get home late, so could she please cook, even a few nights a week? Of course I don't know what her days are like, but it would be nice of her to make dinner even 3-4 days a week. Maybe if you stopped eating out so much you could save the extra money and go visit her family? 

Also, you never mentioned whether or not she likes to cook. (I'm assuming she doesn't or she would do it more often.) That makes a big difference on the effort put forward. You cannot expect that because she is female that she cooks. If she sees it as a big chore, be happy with a simple stir fry and don't expect pork loin with apple chutney. 

I think that your wife is probably lonely at home all day and calling her family fills the void of interaction she needs. Don't make a big deal about that. She'll just be mad that you are picking at the social part of her day and her family, which she lives away from to be with you, and be resentful. 

The relationship should be 50/50. And from here it looks like your wife could put forth a bit more effort. But she's your wife, not your maid, chef, or nanny, so your going to have to be respectful here and not treat her like an employee. You might have to consider a re-division of labor. Explain to her that things aren't working. That you work so many hours and come home to have to cook and/or clean, that it's wearing you down. See what she thinks should be done to solve this.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Bluemoon7 said:


> Of course I don't know what her days are like, but it would be nice of her to make dinner even 3-4 days a week. Maybe if you stopped eating out so much you could save the extra money and go visit her family?


This is a great suggestion. What if you ask her what she thinks about cooking dinner during the week and saving x dollars not eating out so you can budget and save for a trip?


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

breeze said:


> Lol, I marvel at women who can keep a clean house most of the time and look after kids. I had my mothers group over yesterday, so busted my butt all morning catching up on housework while the kids ran around and underfoot. I've had it clean all of one day, by tomorrow it'll be terrible again, lol.
> 
> I find it very hard to keep the house clean day to day, there's always something sliding. If I have the floors clean, there'll be a pile of washing a mile high that needs folding. If I keep the bathroom clean, there's be toys covering the floor of every room.
> 
> Yet I still have time to talk to people and post on a forum... but I so need contact with people. Talking to my DH isn't enough. My need for conversation is actually huge, and if I don't, I get terribly lonely. I don't believe we were designed to live in these single family units. Families used to be big and always underfoot, always people to help with raising the children and to talk to. Now we're expected to do it all on our own, and devote constant attention to our children, without thought for ourselves. It's just not a great solution in my opinion, but what choice do we have.


All of what you say is very true. My question to you is that will you neglect your families dinner or neglect the helping your husband to be online or talk on the phone? See I just feel that people are being bias to women. If a man was doing the same thing or working every single day and than spent his time in a bar, everyone would say how bad of a husband and father he is, because he neglects his household for other things. If a man only worked, he would be called lazy if he did nothing else but that. So I just want to know when are we to give a man credit for what he does?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Appreciation is the word. Makes us proud, stand up straight and stick our chest out (or pull the stomach in lol) and fills us full of emotional energy to carry on doing the good things. Appreciation for what we do most importantly makes us feel singularly important to the ones we love. A man can never get too much appreciation for the good he does.

Without appreciation we feel emotionally de-energised and wonder why we do what we do.

Good luck trying to get it in your marriage, from your wife. Mine only woke up to what I did for her after we separated and I let my wife know that appreciation was the number one thing for me. When she left I got an email thanking me for all the times I helped her out going back over ten years or so. Told her it was way too late for that.

Bob






FUEGO said:


> All of what you say is very true. My question to you is that will you neglect your families dinner or neglect the helping your husband to be online or talk on the phone? See I just feel that people are being bias to women. If a man was doing the same thing or working every single day and than spent his time in a bar, everyone would say how bad of a husband and father he is, because he neglects his household for other things. If a man only worked, he would be called lazy if he did nothing else but that. So I just want to know when are we to give a man credit for what he does?


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

Bluemoon7 said:


> I'm curious how you have tried to discuss this with your wife? That might help us understand if she is busy all day or acting spoiled. We also don't know the kid's ages, but if there are bottles and diapers involved, that could really be a job in itself.
> 
> Have you told her that you want to eat healthy dinners at home, and that you get home late, so could she please cook, even a few nights a week? Of course I don't know what her days are like, but it would be nice of her to make dinner even 3-4 days a week. Maybe if you stopped eating out so much you could save the extra money and go visit her family?
> 
> ...


I have talked about it with her and she gets angry. I can understand feeling lonely but she's attatched to them like crazy. The family she talks to are the ones that aren't doing much with their lives. They encourage her to be like they. These people have no marriages. I think the family has a lot to do with the issues we have. I am the first guy to come into that family that has an education and has never been on drugs. It's really deeper than just house wife stuff, because I would ask her to contact bill collectors we have and she wouldn't. But she would if her sister asked her to do it for her. She can't do her own resume she says because our kids that are 2 yrs old and 5 months old takes up her time to do that, but she did her mom and sisters resumes. I find the whole excuse of the kids just a cop out.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

swedish said:


> This is a great suggestion. What if you ask her what she thinks about cooking dinner during the week and saving x dollars not eating out so you can budget and save for a trip?[/QUOTE
> 
> I have asked her that. I told her we need to save money and need extra income coming in.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Appreciation is the word. Makes us proud, stand up straight and stick our chest out (or pull the stomach in lol) and fills us full of emotional energy to carry on doing the good things. Appreciation for what we do most importantly makes us feel singularly important to the ones we love. A man can never get too much appreciation for the good he does.
> 
> Without appreciation we feel emotionally de-energised and wonder why we do what we do.
> 
> ...


Bob those are great words man. I thought about that, because we actually did separate before, but that was before we got married. She begged me to give her a chance and she would do everything different and focus on our family. It has just got worst.


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