# What to do with my wife...what to do with the OM. Thoughts?



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Hey all. I posted here a month or so ago about my initial situation. Here is that thread if you want the back story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40442-she-cheated-cuz-i-did-drugs-thoughts.html

Long story short we had a great relationship until last year, upon which I turned into a loser pothead, neglected her, and in the course of that year she cheated on me. She had an "emotional affair" and apparently made out with him once. She told me...which brought us to the point discussed in the above link. Details there. Anyways...

Ok, since then we tried to work it out. I've quit weed (3 weeks clean now. Was hard as hell but I'm in the clear now. I KNOW I don't want to ever go back to that lifestyle. Enjoying a clear mind now  and she apologized with lots of emotion, expressed her absolute love for me, said it was all a mistake because we got distant etc...She swore it was never more than one kiss /w emotional affair, I guess you'd say. I wasn't sure whether to trust her but she's never done anything before to hurt me or lie to and she seemed soooo sincere with her desire to return to our once happy relationship. We both decided then and there we wanted put our full attention into our marriage, we wanted to forgive each other and never hurt each other again, and put everything into this relationship...and we did. For my part, as stated, she (and I wanted/needed to) quit weed 100% and put in my share into the relationship, with all that entails (house chores, thoughtfullness, romance, putting effort into every aspect etc.) For her part I demanded 100% no contact with him, which she agreed to, and she also put effort into our relationship these past weeks.

So since then things have seemed/been very good. We both felt we were really making strides, we've been spending lots of (fun, loving, joyful, happy) time together, and while we were both still dealing with putting the past behind us, we were doing great.

Then I checked our phone bill history today and discovered that since that day when we both admitted our faults in this marriage and re-committed to making this relationship prosper, that she's continued contact with him. Specifically, over these past three weeks she's spent 6.5 hours on the phone and exchanged around 1200 texts with him. I was floored, having believed her when she repeatedly told me they hadn't spoken since that day of our "re-committment." Her excuse? He's going through terrible personal issue and since he was there for her during her rough time (rough time being our relationship declining over the past year) that she felt she owed him support. I know this is all bull****, don't worry. I gave her the benefit of the doubt the first time, now all credibility is REALLY shot. 

Ok onto where you come in. I'm not sure what to do:

Issue one: Concerning her, as of immediately she's not sleeping in the same room as me until I decide the next move. Here's my thing. As crazy as you all might think I am, I do believe her, I think, or at least I am not certain she's lying, when she says they never slept together and that this was all more just an emotional affair (she admits to kissing once, but thats all). I'm not certain, like I said, and I know she's been lying this whole time, but something tells me it just might be more of just an emotional thing. If they did sleep together, I'm done here. I can't continue in this relationship if she's slept with him. However, I could, perhaps, I think--and only as long as a bunch of other conditions were met--imagine the possibility that we salvage this if this has just been an emotional thing. It would take alot to trust her, and I would have to have complete control/knowledge of eveything she does, calls, texts, emails etc for a long time...but I think its possible (but not inevitable) to still fix this if the extent of this whole thing has been an emotional and not a resulted in sexual stuff. So my question is this: the only possible to resolve this is a lie-detector test, and if she'd been "honest" and hadn't slept with him/doesn't love him etc then maybe we can bounce back. What do you think? Is a lie detector test a good course of action? Any experiences with them? Any other suggestions as to what I should do with her?

Issue two: The other man. Up to this point I have refrained from having any contact with him. I know who he is and where he works (where she worked before), I have his number, but that's about it. Before, when we first "recommitted," I felt I'd leave him out of it, believing he was out of our lived completely now. I could live with not confronting him at that time as long as my wife also never contacted him again. He was dead to both of us and that is that. But now, with this new development, I feel I need to confront him. More to the point, I can't get the idea out of my head of calling him up for a meeting. I believe I would use the following pretext: I would tell him that I know something had been going on with him before but that my wife and I are working through this and and committed to eachother and that part of that is getting closure with him. Thus I just want to have a chat with you, since I know you two are friends, but that we need to re-establish the proper parameters here. I know the exact wording here I will work on, don't worry, but something to that effect. I would, gently, non-confrontationally ask for a coffee so we can sort this out and put this past us. That type of deal (I can be good with words and be persuasive when necessary). Now, assuming he agrees, I would then meet up with him wearing my long, puffy winter soccer coat. Inside, and undetectable from others, I would have a baseball bat that would be elegentally hanging from a custom made baseball-hanging hook (detailed to be worked out; I will work it out with my tailor, but something that effectively allows the bat the hang out inside my coat). When we meet and we're close enough I would swiftly remove said bat and beat his ass with it. I dont intend to kill him or permanently injure him or anything, but hopefully crack a few ribs, lots of bruises etc. so he gets it to never contact her again and never ever mess with a married woman. 

**EDIT**
While I still want to bust his ribs with a bat, I know its not the solution. So I change my question. What do you recommend I do to him? Should I out him? Especially since he was a supervisor supervising my wife, so in a position of authority? Especially because they have continued contact and I need it to stop? Especially since I hate the bastard?


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

nc nc nc nc nc for your wife and this man.

i would definetly confront him. if he's married, i'd expose to his wife.

they need their little fantasy to come crashing back to reality. you do this through exposure-- this means both of them get exposed to family and friends.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

great idea- get thrown in jail, and your wife gives him all of the sympathy loving over his injuries while you're there


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

whoa....i didn't mean go kick his ass. 

by confronting, i meant ask him about the nature of their relationship. tell him to stay away from her. 

let him know you're not gonna stand idly by and watch it go any further.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> great idea- get thrown in jail, and your wife gives him all of the sympathy loving over his injuries while you're there


I've of course thought about that. That's why I ask here, hoping to hear others' experience. I think I could handle an assault charge. I would sure as hell feel good about it (the assault, not the charge). 1) Would I necessarily be charged/convincted? No chance for getting off easy? 2) Isnt it worth it? I feel that if I dont do something with the OM that I would beat myself up over it (no pun intended) for the rest of my life. Can I really live with myself have let this ******* f*** around with wife? I'm not so sure...

Anyone have thoughts on what to do with the wife??


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Leave the OM alone. I busted into the meat plant where the OM works to kick butt but everyone was at a holiday party offsite. I would be in jail right now. It is not worth it. Do not go there. Leave the OM alone.

Vent here. Tell us what you would like to do and leave it at that my friend. 

It takes two to tango and your wife (YOUR WIFE) willingly participated. We who are betrayed often transfer our violence to the OM. Your wife did it. YOUR WIFE DID IT. Focus on that. Who lied? Your wife. Who lied over and over again? YOUR WIFE. Who hid things from you? Your wife. Who loves another man to the point she wants to help him through a hard time? Your wife. 

I bet it was physical. A kiss is cheater code for we had sex.

If you go with the lie detector did not tell her about it until you pull up for the appointment. I am planning to do one in a few months after she is off the anti-depressives which can skew the results. Cost about $600.00 and the guy has a good references. Do not show your hand if you do this. Do not talk about lie detectors with her. They can be fairly accurate by reports I heard but it does have a lot to do with the technician. So find a good one.

AGAIN LEAVE THE OM ALONE.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Drop the bat idea. Assault. Talk if you have to but don't bring the bat.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you bring a weapon for assault like a baseball bat, you're talking years of jail time- it shows premeditation and throws out any chance of using the "crime of passion" defense

even if you just use fists you can get serious time depending on the injuries PLUS a civil suit could also follow and you could get financially ruined

add the fact you could lose it in the moment and kill him or accidentally kill him- then say bye bye to freedom for the rest of your useful life

I know violence seems appealing, I would love to clock my OM square in the nose myself but it is not worth it. Even if you suffer no civil or legal consequences, you sink to his level. 

Exposure is a much better tool- expose to his friends, his work and family. there was one poster who made sure when his OM got a new job that they knew about his history


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Leave the OM alone. I busted into the meat plant where the OM works to kick butt but everyone was at a holiday party offsite. I would be in jail right now. It is not worth it. Do not go there. Leave the OM alone.
> 
> Vent here. Tell us what you would like to do and leave it at that my friend.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the advice, thank you. 

I googled lie detectors and at least the one page I viewed (which looked acredited and professional etc) said it doesnt change the results if the subject knows about it happening before hand? I guess this is more a question for the technicians and not you...

What about speaking with him, just to make it clear to never contact her again. No violence, just stern words.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

even better is have your wife hand write a NC letter (for details see the newbie link in my signature) and send it by registered mail


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Ok to throw in a wrench. The timing of all this is pretty incredible, but the following is true. My wife is a teacher, recently hired (today in fact) as a teacher-on-call for this district, meaning she will be filling in for sick teachers whenever needed with no control over what school will call her on a given morning. He is a permanent teacher at a school in this district. This is how they met. She did her practicum under his direction and the rest is history. 

I dont want to ruin her career, but it would be great to ruin his. I know I do not want her to ever set foot in his school. Not sure how to do this. Maybe speak to the principal of his school and explain that ********* cheated with my wife and to kindly ask him/her to never request her?? That way he is exposed and yet she can still be called by other schools...??


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You have a hard choice and so does she: Marriage or the job.

Can't she reject the job and apply to another district nearby?

If this guy was supervising - I do think you have a moral reason to out him to his supervisors/district. No doubt he pulls this with others - how many other marriages has he ruined? How many more will he ruin?

You really need to out him - I don't think it will hurt her career, but it hopefully will his.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

How do I go about "outing" him? Banner in his gym? Tell all the teachers? Just tell the principal? The problem with out him is it outs her, and as angry as I am, I don't want her to be dragged through the mud. I'm *hoping* there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us in all this.

Re: her job. Its nearly impossible to get a teaching job in my area, and the fact she got it was only because of string pulled (the OM being part of this, ****er). So yeah, complicated and difficult. I don't get why she had to do thing...ruining so much on so many levels.

What about advice for what I might do re: my wife?? Lie detector? Drop her? Believe her? I don't know...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

This is the man up part. You have a hard choice to make: 

If you don't out him to his principal, you are giving him a pass on cheating, and you are enabling him to do it again to other women and families. 

If you out him, you run the risk of causing problems for your wife - though since her was a supervisor that puts a different light on it. 

this is a test of you.

Do you choose being a doormat and accepting a cheating wife - or do you do something about it?

What consequences has she face for cheating btw? It sounds like nothing other than a few tears.

For what it's worth - I would go talk to his principal and out him. I would also demand that your wife go with you to confirm it to the principal.

Is he also married - out him to his wife.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wait - you said she's still in contact with him!

I missed that part at first - dude this is still an active affair in that case - you need to expose it and end it.

I thought she had ended it and went NC.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

he is not married.

what can outing him to the principal do to him though? Is this not a "private" matter in general? Do people get fired for cheating? 

She did her practicum at his school, yes, where she took over his class under his supervision, so I'm guessing that answers the above question. I'm guessing he could get in trouble for messing with a student-teacher under his supervision? In cases where the WS and AP do not work together, would/could the AP being fired/repremanded professionally?

What about the fact that I do not know the details of this relationship. I DO know they have ALOT of contact together (hours of phone calls, thousands of texts but not sure how much hanging out alone). I DO know they made out; that is what she has admitted, but she insists that's all that happened physically. Should I get a lie detector test first to find out the extend of this or is what I already know enough to call this an "affair" and deserve of being outed?

Man, this is the toughest situation I've ever been in...


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He didn't betray you, she did. He's a piece of Sh... but he owes you nothing. She does.

Keep your focus on her. Focusing on him is wasted energy.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

didnt annyone ever...or didnt you learn you never say or tell anyone if you gonna do some criminal activity....especially since you have now left electronic evidence...bubbas gonna love you in jail unless you wise up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

sinnister said:


> He didn't betray you, she did. He's a piece of Sh... but he owes you nothing. She does.
> 
> Keep your focus on her. Focusing on him is wasted energy.


Do you think I should out him though?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

First go for lie detector test, if she refuses its clear that there is more to her story. If she was telling the truth leave the OM, he owes nothing to you.Its your wife who owes you everything.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey brokenbloke----you need a little knowledge---1st as to substitute teaching---your wife is called and OFFERED her assignments---she can turn them down/reject them---so she doesn't have to ever accept an assignment in his school

Stay away from going to his employers----you are not going to get anybody to do anything-----and you could end up with slander/libel and that puts you in a courtroom, with an atty., and empties your wallet

Stop trying to play the bullyboy here----your beef is with your wife---You did not take vows with her lover, you are not married to her lover, and he sure as he*l has no responsibilities to you

You partially got yourself into this problem by using drugs, and ignoring your mge----WELL GUESS WHAT IT IS TIME YOU STARTED TO WORK ON YOUR MGE, and stop your stupid dreaming of running around trying chop your wife's lovers head off----LEAVE HIM THE F ALONE

Polygraph would be good, and you find who the best operators are by going to the police, and having them line it up for you

Aside from all of that set some boundaries, for your wife---demand a NC letter go out---TAKE AWAY HER CELLPHONE, AND CUT OFF HER E-MAIL USE

Do not try to tell me she can't get along without a cellphone----people did it for hundreds of years, and everyone got along just fine.

Your beef is with your wife, that is where your energy needs to go---also you might want to get a POST--NUP drawn up, and signed.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

The problem is you didn't expose it the first time around and now you're paying the price. When you expose it there is less of a chance of it resurfacing later on. Affairs thrive in darkness. It's the fantasy aspect that keeps them going. Exposing them shines the great big light of reality onto them and its harder to continue in an affair when everyone knows what you're doing. If your wife is remorseful she will not only understand you exposing the affair but will assist you in doing it. If she were truly remorseful she never would have accepted a job if it meant any contact with the OM. You're back at square one with her. I'd consider this a second offense and file but that's just me.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey brokenbloke----you need a little knowledge---1st as to substitute teaching---your wife is called and OFFERED her assignments---she can turn them down/reject them---so she doesn't have to ever accept an assignment in his school
> 
> Stay away from going to his employers----you are not going to get anybody to do anything-----and you could end up with slander/libel and that puts you in a courtroom, with an atty., and empties your wallet
> 
> ...


Its not libel if he has proof. And if his wife assists him (which she should if she doesn't want a divorce) that will help as well.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay here's a couple of rules about cheaters.

Rule number one!! If a cheaters lips are moving, they're lying.

Rule number two!! Without concrete evidence, a cheater will only admit to what you can prove or will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it truely is.

You know that they are talking and texting. If she has a smart phone, chances are she's charged her phone up through the home computer. If she's done this, then there's a good chance that the computer and the phone sync'd up. There will be a hidden file on the computer with all of the texts that phone has (including deleted ones) on the computer. 

Look up a guys thread on here. His name is Shamwow and half way through his thread, he tells you on how he was able to retrieve this file. Perphaps those texts will let you know the full extent of their affair.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry Broken but with the current amount of texts and calls she's still actively involved in this affair and I too have huge doubts that it was "just a kiss" Boy she has a funny way of re-committing to the marriage!

Stay away from the OM for now. Get the wife and yourself tested for STDs because there's a good chance she slept with him. Sorry!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Folks, she is still in contact with the guy. The affair is still active.

She needs to go full no contact with him.

She needs to provide full transparency to email phone and her whereabouts.

She also needs to have polygraph,

You are treating it like you are in reconciliation, while she is still contacting this guy. Married women do not just kiss their affair partners, they have sex. The fact that this guy is still putting effort into staying in contact with her shows there was more and there is still stuff going on. If he only got a kiss and then rebuffed he would have moved on. Instead he is still contributing to the relationship- this guy is still expecting and likely getting sex from her. Heck he's even helping her et hired in his district. Wanna bet why he's doing that?

Ask yourself, if you had even kissed a woman at work, would you wife put up with any contact by you with her?

So it's not about her not have a teaching spot at his school, this is still ending the relationship she is having with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I exposed the OM to the owner of the business, his wife, and his church. He is also on cheaterville.com and as of today I have had over 928,000 hits on his page.

I had a tracker on her car, had her phone checked, and computer. Car is in my name, I bought the computer, and her phone is on my account. Everything I did was legal.

Put a VAR under her car seat. Most cheaters feel safe talking in their cars. Put a keylooger on the computer. If the computer is for her use only then be careful.

Be careful about her going underground with a cheap phone. Mine did and the only way I knew was the bills on the credit cards showed a phone purchased and air time. She used mulitple credit cards to hide buying minutes. Stupid move. I happened to check one and said WTF. Then I got access to the other ones and there they were. They buy these things with cash so that is even harder to find.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This worked for a different poster before. You can either try doing this or tell your wife you are doing this(thus getting a confession). 

You can ( or ask her to) send OM a text "Remember that day we had sex..." If he responds back positively, you can confirm your wife's honesty. If he is puzzled, you can cover it up as wrong number. 

But then your wife might have warned him already. 

have you tried recovering her texts? What kind of phone does she have?


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> This worked for a different poster before. You can either try doing this or tell your wife you are doing this(thus getting a confession).
> 
> You can ( or ask her to) send OM a text "Remember that day we had sex..." If he responds back positively, you can confirm your wife's honesty. If he is puzzled, you can cover it up as wrong number.
> 
> ...


I don't get it. Do you mean text from her phone? If he responds positively then wouldn't that prove her dishonesty? What do you mean here...

As far as texts, she has a blackberry. I would love to get ahold of some of those texts. Anyone have any suggestions? Aren't BB notoriously crypted?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, I mean send it from her phone. The intention is to find if there was a physical affair which you mentioned is your deal breaker 

Though I would try breaking into her blackberry before this. I think you can recover texts from blackberry.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

FYI, having spoken awhile with her this morning: She still insists they only kissed. No touching, no fondling, just kissed. But she also admitted that he loves her and told her. She said she doesnt love him and has never told him so, but she does say she has feelings for him (obviously).


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

because cheaters never lie to you? She also told you that she stopped contact, remember?. It is in your best interest that you only believe stuff that you can verify. Right now she lost all your trust. She can have it back sometime in the future, but this not the time for it.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you have actual written proof---i e: printed out e-mails----then go to the SUPERINTENDANT, of the school district---not a principle---they just run a school---they have no higher up responsibility

Tell the sopt. he needs to get this stopped, as this guy is trying to wreck your home, and family---and if he refuses, tell him you will go public, and you will file suit. The tort you would file is INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.----also get your poly, and your post--nup, agreement.


----------



## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

I advise against exposing their relationship, my husband had an affair with a co-worker and another co-worker exposed it to me and the OW mate which led the OW mate to suicide, its really not worth risking someones life, if you want to get confrontational then confront the OM and let him know that you know he is married and that you are wanting to reconcile with your spouse and for him to please quit having contact with her at least until you all come to a final decision of wether or not there is anything worth saving. Hope this helps!


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Thank you for all the advice you all. I really appreciate. In case your interested here is what I'm going to do:

I'm not going to out them. It would screw him over, yes, but it would also screw my wife over as much or even more. I dont see the benefit of the school district gossiping about my wife's infidelity. If I didn't want to save this marriage I would perhaps/likely do this, but I do, so this option is out.

I will confront the OM. I'm not going to baseball bat it, as much as I want to, but let him know the harm he is causing and that we're committed to eachother and to f*** off and that she's mine and to please not contact her anymore. I know he might not give two ****s, or he might take it to heart. Either way it doesn't hurt. I think him seeing the human side of the effects of his actions, if he is even a little human, must have some effect. If not, then f*** him.

My wife and talked for hours today. Again, and I know she said this last time, but she wants our relationship to work, to thrive. I do too and she knows how much she has hurt me. But we both want this to work and she agreed to do whatever it takes. So...the conditions I set for this to have a chance she all fully agreed to, so I will be cautious and wait to see if she lives up to them. The conditions were: 
A) lie detector test, to find out if she is being truthful that they didnt sleep together, that it was only an emotional affair, and anything other details I want to ask her about. 
B) full, absolute disclosure of phone, email, any other form of communication etc. I discovered this through her phone record so she knows thats impossible to hide. She's given me all her passwords etc. As well our financial situation is very highly monitored, and she wouldnt have an opportunity to get a secret phone. I will watch this aspect very closely though. 
C) No contact. She's agreed to write a letter tonight which I will co-write/proof-read. She also agreed to not work with him at all. She understands there is no more second chances in this. I WILL leave her if she resumes contact with him at all.

We are getting MC as well, starting as soon as possible really. We do love eachother and we want this to work. She F'd up, I F'd up last year. We want to move on and get back to our great relationship, so I hope her story checks out (lie detector test) and she lives up to the other agreements. We'll see. I'll be cautious for a while.

Thank you very much for all the feedback!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Some other things to think about...

Put a keylogger on your home computer to keep track of activity. Don't tell her. It takes all of about 3 minutes to create a new e-mail address that you have no knowledge of, making your current password list useless.

A throw-away phone costs what, $20/month? You really think she can't hide that? She can return bottles every month and get that back. Cash transactions are pretty tough to hide.

No Contact letters are useless if your wife doesn't truly buy into it. So don't expect miracles from sending it out. 

Hope this works out ok for you!

C


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

good advice, thanks. I will be vigilent, yes, and keep those things in mind. I think the main thing is if her story checks out or now via the lie detector. She has always maintained the exact same story and the extent of their physicality, so if shes lying about that, well...


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

When you gave up weed, how hard was it?

After you smoked a little, you said to yourself: "OK, that's it, I'm quitting!" And you meant it. But then, a day or two went by, and you went back to it. Finally, after many times failing, you were able to quit it.

However hard it was for you to quit weed, it will be even harder for your wife to quit her affair. At least your weed was not texting and emailing you like her affair partner will be doing to her. YOUR WIFE HAS AN OM ADDICTION! She wants to quit, but she will not be able to.

You are not in the right frame of mind to handle your wife's affair properly right now. A baseball bat on a special hook in your coat? You were absolutely serious about that. That was the single most ridiculous thing I've ever read on these threads - not the desire to do violence to the OM, but the way you were planning to go about it. It really make me question whether you will be able to be helped even if you get the right advice here.

Your plan so far will only work if your wife goes along with it. As I just stated, your wife almost definitely will backtrack. You may disagree with me. She has tried to give up her addiction once and has been unable to do so. She has been lying to you all along. First she said she was in contact just to help him over a rough spot (1200 texts and 6.5 hours? That's some rough spot!) Now she has admitted to feelings for him. Prepare yourself for the "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Prepare yourself for her admitting to loving the OM. Have you seen any of her texts? Most likely they're filled with sex talk.

Working in the same school district as the OM is not going to work. OM got her the job. She will be thinking about him every time she goes to work. They will find a way to talk to each other and be with each other. You are powerless to stop it. You would need a hundred set of eyes. THAT'S WHY EXPOSURE IS IMPORTANT! IT GIVES YOU EXTRA SETS OF EYES.

The people who run a school district do not want their employees to engage in marital infidelity on the job. Infidelity can be an explosive situation. Some people even would hid a baseball bat on a hanger in their coats and use it on the adulterer. The school is not going to want that. Call the superintendent of the school district and calmly tell him/her about what is going on. Tell him/her that their is a predator who has poor boundaries working in a supervisory position in the school, the type of guy who thinks it's OK to mess around with married female student teachers. If this doesn't work, go the board of education.

I know you will not do this right now. You are not ready yet. Keep it in mind for later after your wife continues to cheat on you.

If you were serious about filing for divorce if your wife breaks the no contact, that will help bring her out of the affair much quicker. If it was just an empty threat, get ready for a long, hard fight that will not end well. 

In the meantime, keep this in mind. ALL OF HER WORDS ARE LIES. PAY ATTENTION ONLY TO HER ACTIONS.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> tell him to stay away from her.


 Nothing is more pathetic than asking another man to stop having a relationship with your wife. Out the OM but do not confront him. Since kicking his ars is not a good course of action, their is no alpha way to confront.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

> When you gave up weed, how hard was it?
> 
> After you smoked a little, you said to yourself: "OK, that's it, I'm quitting!" And you meant it. But then, a day or two went by, and you went back to it. Finally, after many times failing, you were able to quit it.
> 
> However hard it was for you to quit weed, it will be even harder for your wife to quit her affair. At least your weed was not texting and emailing you like her affair partner will be doing to her. YOUR WIFE HAS AN OM ADDICTION! She wants to quit, but she will not be able to.


Yes I believe this is an apt comparison, although I will say that the times that I previously tried and failed to quit weed were not attempts made with absolute determination. Sure, I felt, abstractly, that it would be good to be rid of this unhealthy habit, but it wasn't until my wife threatened to leave me if I continued that I really was able to face my own lack of control over this. When it became clear that she was not going to put up with it anymore (gave me an ultimatum date that if I didnt seek help by that date she was moving out) I only then truly, truly tried to quit. It helped that our finances were transparent and that I couldn't sneak it. Once it came to this point it wasn't actually that hard to stop. So I think the same approach I will use for her. I will be clear upfront that any lies or contact with him whatsoever and I am leaving. And as hard as it is, I will have to stick to that. I believe, I hope, this will be enough for her to truly kick her addiction to the OM.



> You are not in the right frame of mind to handle your wife's affair properly right now. A baseball bat on a special hook in your coat? You were absolutely serious about that. That was the single most ridiculous thing I've ever read on these threads - not the desire to do violence to the OM, but the way you were planning to go about it. It really make me question whether you will be able to be helped even if you get the right advice here.


Yeah of course the plan was ridiculous. It was more literary expression and fantasy that true intent. Of course I'm not going to beat him with a bat hooked to my jacket. But I also just watched Taxi Driver, and was inspired by how he custom fits his pistols with similar type "hooks" etc. But this, apparently, gives you such insight into my soul that you do not think I am in any frame of mind to handle this right now? Why do you say that? Because I thought of a imaginative way to beat his ass? 



> Your plan so far will only work if your wife goes along with it. As I just stated, your wife almost definitely will backtrack. You may disagree with me. She has tried to give up her addiction once and has been unable to do so. She has been lying to you all along. First she said she was in contact just to help him over a rough spot (1200 texts and 6.5 hours? That's some rough spot!) Now she has admitted to feelings for him. Prepare yourself for the "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Prepare yourself for her admitting to loving the OM. Have you seen any of her texts? Most likely they're filled with sex talk.


I don't know if she will backtrack. I hope she doesn't and I know I have clearly told her that if she does I'm leaving. All I can do here is man up and stick to my guns if, heaven forbid, she contacts him. I will watch carefully. I have phone records. I will get keylogger. And I know she can still get around that so I have told her she is to get a lie detector test now (to verify her story up to now, that it wasnt a sexual affair) and that in six months or so we will do a follow up to ensure contact has remained cutoff. That's as about as thorough as I can imagine and she has agreed to these measures.

But I heed your warning. I hope to god she's not in love with him but I dont want to be naive and in denial that it's a possibility. I know our marriage has suffered and much of that is my blame (doesnt justify her affair of course) so I hope at this point that we rekindle our love. We still love eachother greatly, despite what had happened between him and the OM, so despite what's happened, if its love or what not, if she sticks to dumping him 100% we can do this. The question just is if she can. If she falters, well, I'm out, and she knows this. She didn't know that before as I never threatened that before, but before I didnt know she was lying about this the entire time. I can only hope she truly understands the gravity of this and cuts him out. I can only hope the prospect of losing me is strong enough to defeat her addiction to the OM. If it isn't then it's ultimately her loss. I'm a better man than the OM and she knows it.



> Working in the same school district as the OM is not going to work. OM got her the job. She will be thinking about him every time she goes to work. They will find a way to talk to each other and be with each other. You are powerless to stop it. You would need a hundred set of eyes. THAT'S WHY EXPOSURE IS IMPORTANT! IT GIVES YOU EXTRA SETS OF EYES.
> 
> The people who run a school district do not want their employees to engage in marital infidelity on the job. Infidelity can be an explosive situation. Some people even would hid a baseball bat on a hanger in their coats and use it on the adulterer. The school is not going to want that. Call the superintendent of the school district and calmly tell him/her about what is going on. Tell him/her that their is a predator who has poor boundaries working in a supervisory position in the school, the type of guy who thinks it's OK to mess around with married female student teachers. If this doesn't work, go the board of education.
> 
> I know you will not do this right now. You are not ready yet. Keep it in mind for later after your wife continues to cheat on you.


This advice is hard because people have been giving such different suggestions here. What do you think the superintendent will do? Is he going to monitor the OM himself? Is he going to tell the school's staff? I wonder how effective this course of action vs the damage it will cause my wife. I wonder, as in I simply do not know. One thing I do know and have told her is that she can't work there. There is no guarantee she will work there so it might all be a moot point. Or she could be called in there in which I will have a difficult decision to make, such as telling her I can not condone her employment there or having to out him. I appreciate your advice in this part and will keep this card close in case I find it necessary.




> If you were serious about filing for divorce if your wife breaks the no contact, that will help bring her out of the affair much quicker. If it was just an empty threat, get ready for a long, hard fight that will not end well.
> 
> In the meantime, keep this in mind. ALL OF HER WORDS ARE LIES. PAY ATTENTION ONLY TO HER ACTIONS.


Yes I am serious. I will, and must, leave her if this happens again. I couldnt live with myself if I let that slide. Putting up with it again would make me feel worse than giving up the dream of custom-fitting my coat so that I could baseball the OM on the side of the head. 

And yes her words are lies until she consistently proves otherwise, thus why I will get her to do lie detector tests.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You are on the right track, but you are still not there. You You are too willing to accept her explanations without challenging them. Her explanations do not make sense. You cannot let your wife tell you a fairly obvious lie and not call her on it. I'm referring to her trail of lies from point A to point B to point C of her agreeing to no contact then to her helping him over a rough spot with 1200 texts then to OM telling her he loves her and her not returning OM's love but her telling you she does have feelings for him. Now she is willing to give it all up in a second without a fight. THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE, so it's probably a lie.

First you confronted and this happened:

_"*she seemed soooo sincere *with her desire to return to our once happy relationship. *We both decided then and there we wanted put our full attention into our marriage*, we wanted to forgive each other and never hurt each other again, and put everything into this relationship."_

Then, AFTER THAT, SINCE THEN you found 1200 texts and 6.5 hours of phone conversations.

Next, you confronted again and basically the same words were said except now she trickle-truthed this out to you:

_FYI, having spoken awhile with her this morning: She still insists they only kissed. No touching, no fondling, just kissed. But *she also admitted that he loves her and told her.* She said she doesnt love him and has never told him so, but *she does say she has feelings for him* (obviously). _

What exactly is the difference between loving someone and having feelings for someone? Aren't they just about the same thing? Try to picture their conversations: 1200 texts and 6.5 hours since she promised not to contact him again, what do you think they said back and forth to each other? Probably something like this: Him: I love you and want to have sex with you. Her: I love you too and want to have sex with you and want to be with you forever. We are soulmates. I can't believe how we found each other. You know me so well. My husband is a nice guy, but you are my soulmate. Him: Yes, we are soulmates and I want to have sex with you.

She is giving you lip service about wanting to end her affair. She did the same thing to you last time.

This thing is not going to end easily with her going from 1200 texts to nothing. Ask her what was said in the texts and the hours of phone conversations. If she tells you something that makes sense, you probably have the truth. If she tells you something that doesn't make sense, you know she is lying. The truth usually makes sense and lies do not. Sometimes the betrayed spouse is so deep in the fog himself that he cannot figure out what makes sense and what doesn't.

I don't know how good lie detectors are. Most times, like now, you don't really need one. Her story doesn't add up.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

If you allow her to work in that school district *at all* your marriage will end. I have never seen it work out before. Never.

You need to expose it to the principal of the school where they worked. You need to expose it to the school district's HR dept. Anything less and you're asking for trouble.

Here's a question. Why the hell are you compromising when she is the one that had the affair? And don't doubt they had sex. They did.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Heres an idea:
Wash your hands of her. Its going to take some time, because like shoepolish, they leave a stain, but think about the freedom from that concern that has now unfairly been thrust upon you... "will she do it again?"

Will a year or two into reconciliation bring that free trust back to you to offer, or will you see yourself still checking keylogger records?

Easy for me to say. My ex filed after I found out about her affair, the subsequent promises to "try to work it out" through which she continued contact the whole time.
Shes not even with that dooshbag anymore.
Its some other loser that was circling like a vulture over rancid meat.

Float her sorrya$$ down the river in a canoe for one, and be off with your New Free Life.


----------



## Salty Dog (Mar 14, 2012)

I seem to be in the minority here, but I definitely recommend confronting the OM - verbally, though, not physically. When I discovered that my wife was cheating on me I called OM from her phone in a red hot rage. He didn't answer, but I left him a scathing voice mail that let him know the jig was up, and I demanded in explicit and no uncertain terms that he come nowhere near my wife ever again, with the threat of severe bodily harm to follow for non-compliance. The guy (tall, in shape, and muscularly built) practically disappeared from the face of the earth immediately afterward. Few things in life have been that satisfying, either before or since.

Now, if I had to do it over again I might have veiled my threats a little bit better, since I was leaving a record of the call via VM. I woudln't change a thing, though, if he had answered in person. If I hadn't called, I'd still be wishing to this day that I had. 

As a side note, my swift and violent words were surprising proof to my wife that I loved her more than she thought I did at the time.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I confronted the other man on the phone as well. I had his number memorized thanks to the hundreds showing up on my cell bill. 
All I got was "Your old lady said she was divorced!!!"

So much for that..
What was her response?

"I didnt say thaaat!!!"


mmhmmm ;/


----------



## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

I really hope that you work it out, but the best option is a new job and a new phone number for her..........watch her closely and she just gets better at hiding it.....trust is a big issue and I am still trying to rebuild mine with my H who had a so-called EA with only kissing, let me know how the lie detector test goes...I am all but utterly curious especially since she agreed to it.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

One of the current threads has the info on getting the texts from a blackberry. I just saw it a couple of days ago. Might have been almostrecovered's post.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Not me


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

yesterday we had our first, supposedly, real 100% honest talk. The day before I told her I knew she wasn't being forthright with everything and she admitted she wasnt. I told her to gather her thoughts and memories and that if she is serious about saving the marriage that the next day (yesterday) she has to give me a full and absolute account of everything. I made it clear that I am 100% serious that this is her last chance to be honest with me. I told her that I know she's been still lying but that this was the last chance to come clean, and that after this chance, there are none. I know that everything up to this talk has been trickle-truthing and rug-sweeping, and she admitted as much. I also told her that after her last chance to fully disclose we will be getting a polygraph test to verify her account so that there is no way for her to rug sweep. She agreed to all of this willingly and said she wants to come clean so we can move on.

So the time came to come fully clean, in all its details. Long story short everything was as I had already known (emotional affair, expressed emotions of love (not her though; she "only" said she cares for him etc, never told him she loves him. Its all semantics to me: They love eachother), very lengthy and consistent texting etc, but not too frequent meeting up. It was mostly texting, with some phone calls and meeting up here and there. 

The part that hit me like a ton of bricks, and was a new revelation, was that while before she said they made out one time for a long time but that it was only kissing, turns out to ended with both shirts completely off with all that that entails. She said that the very quickly after the shirts came off she stopped and started crying etc, not knowing how she got to this point etc. Anyways, I lost my s**t and have never been more devestated in my life. I immediately stormed out of the house and walked for a couple hours, fuming like I never have before. It was a surreal experience really. Whereas before, under what I originally believed was the case (EA with only kissing), I was essentially sad. It hurt and made me extremely sad, is how I would generally describe it (not exclusively sad, but it was the dominant emotion). This time I was not sad, I was mad. I was pissed. I wanted to f*** s*** up.

So on this walk I had the OM's number. I decided I needed to call him up and tell him to stay the f*** away from my wife. I told him if he continues I will expose him to every person he knows, especially his workplace, where he met my wife while in a position of authority. I then said I would also make it my personal hobby to make his life miserable. This was all through text because when I first called and told him who I was and that I will f*** him up if he doesnt stay away from my wife he immediately hung up. I felt a bit better after this, knowing however that it was very risky. I just felt that I needed to express myself though and that he needs to get the message. He replied through text an hour later that hes willing to have a civil talk with me if I stop with "high school" threats. I replied simply with to stay away and that I mean what I say and to stop contacting us. He then replied threatening that what I am threatening to do (outing him etc) would be defamation of character. I replied that that is only if one spreads lies, not truths, and repeated to stay away and stop contacting me. He replied again that I better not share this information or else it would be defamation of character, legal action etc. I ignored him, deleted our conversation, and went back to my wife.

We spoke more for a while (me venting, pissed, upset, hurt, betrayed, etc. her balling, upset, sorry X1000, "ill do anything" etc). I asked if theres anything left to disclose and she said thats it. I repeated again that this is the only and last opportunity to come clean so she better make sure she is. She ensured she was. Several hours later, after calming down, I spoke to her "rationally". I wasnt in a rage anymore, and sheer anger was starting to be pushed aside by regular anger and hurt. I know I still want to fix this marriage and move on from this and expressed this to her. She was still grovelling etc. After some talk of fixing this and me outlining what she MUST do in the near future and the consequences if she at all falters, we went to bed embracing. Concerning the last sentence, some might think I'm F***ing nuts to hold her close only after a bunch of hours after the revelation, but that evening was such a hurricane of conflicting emotion. Besides the unimagined anger, I felt also very hurt, but besides that, deeper down, I also feel love and longing for my wife. We once had the most amazing relationship in the world, and at the end of the day, I miss that, I miss her. What's f***ed is that in my hurt, because I am hurt, I instinctively want comfort and consolation, and my entire being hsa been programmed to receive that from my wife, so in a way I needed her to hold me, even though she caused the hurt. But that embrace and feeling only lasts as long as it takes for the anger and hurt to return, upon which I can't look at her. This cycles. It's a strange mix of emotions. 

Waking up the anger and hurt came over me like a wave again. Mind movies non stop. As she left for work, I told her that he will contact her today, no doubt, but that she must never reply to him and must tell me when he does. I made it clear that this is categorically-necessary step/test one of many necessary steps/tests that she MUST fulfill for us to stay together. She said she understood. Sure enough he texts her not an hour later. As soon as it happened she immediately texted me and told me. I then immediately texted the OM and said, very simply, to stop contacting us, that it is over, to move on, and to leave us alone. He replied to me he needs to talk to her about something unrelated (wtf? suuurreee buddy) and that its scary that I'm intercepting her texts. I will not text him back anymore. I've given him too much time of day, and probably satisfaction, as it is and I can see why people advise against this. At the same time I feel I do not regret it. He better get the message, from my words themselves, but also from the fact that my wife didnt reply to his text but then I immediately did, which I hope indicates, to me and to the OM, that shes 100% with me and that its over with d-bag. We will both never respond to any more contact he attempts, should he try, and in fact we are going to change our numbers today to make that possibility impossible.

So that's where we are. My wife is broken, continually crying and apologizing. I am pissed, hurt, trying to make sense of this all. I *think* she really has come clean with me now, but I know to not be naive here and that is why I'm still going through with the polygraph. I cannot make a threat and then not see it through. She needs to know I am serious, and I need to know she is being truthful. We'll see what the polygraph says. If it indicates she was lying, then I am out, although I'm hopeful because she agreed to the test and knew it was coming before her last chance at full disclosure. I've told her this and I will leave if the polygraph tells me to. If she ever contacts him again, I am out. I have told her this and I will do so. If either of these two things happen I will do two things in fact. I will leave her, but as I do I will also tell everyone in the world why I am doing so, including our families, friends etc. everyone. I've told her this so she better get the f***ing message or else she will be alone with severe damage to her reputation. Besides those two conditions being met (good polygraph test and NC), she must PROVE to me that she is always being 100% transparent, honest etc for the next while, as long as it takes. She offered to give up her cell to prove to me, but I declined as I have the phone records anyways. I am monitoring calls/texts like a hawk, I'm installing keylogger today, and I'll see how it goes.

So thats where we are. We are also calling the MC in the coming few days so we can start sifting through this. This is the most painful experience I've ever gone through. Feel free to judge how I handled it but I feel I did what I had to do to both stop the affair while also making it possible to save our marriage. The ball is entirely in her court and I'll see what her ACTIONS indicate to me. So far so good, but I am not going to be naive and not R easily here. It must be proven, over time, with distinct behaivor. 

One uncertainty I have regards how to R. My thinking is to play good cop, bad cop. That is, ZERO leeway re: NC, transparancy, polygraph etc, and being completely vigilent regarding this. At the same time, I want to spend time with her, care for her (but not dote), and not be distant. My thinking is our marriage got lost somewhere on the way this past year and she turned to another guy. Having eliminated him from the picture, I now want our love to completely replace and overwhelm our lives so that there is no need or desire to seek another man. Does this make sense? Is being caring etc inviting her to relapse? Or is it good for us? Any thoughts, criticisms, suggestions are welcome.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She most likely had sex with him. Her crying is because she thinks the polygraph will out her. If he wasn't having sex with her, he would have let go a lot easier. She told you he texted once - he almost definitely did it again after that. Also, he probably found a way to meet her today if he works in the same district, has any kind of longevity on the job, or has any level of authority. He could have told people that a friend of his has just started work and he wanted to drop in and say hello. She's been testing the waters with you trickle-truthing. Each revelation a little bit more than the last. Get ready to hear that they had sex. When you blew up at her, she sensed you would end it all if there was sex involved, so she thought it better not to tell you and wait and see if the polygraph actually would occur. Give her more time to think of how she can get out of this. Also, as stated in a previous post, this probably is an addiction. It is easy for her to say she will stop when she is with you and right after you blew up at her, but she will backtrack when the OM comes to see her and keeps texting her. She will give in to her addiction. He has too easy access with her working in the same district.

You handled it pretty well so far but your struggle is just beginning (if you even want to bother).


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> She most likely had sex with him. Her crying is because she thinks the polygraph will out her. If he wasn't having sex with her, he would have let go a lot easier. She told you he texted once - he almost definitely did it again after that. Also, he probably found a way to meet her today if he works in the same district, has any kind of longevity on the job, or has any level of authority. He could have told people that a friend of his has just started work and he wanted to drop in and say hello. She's been testing the waters with you trickle-truthing. Each revelation a little bit more than the last. Get ready to hear that they had sex. When you blew up at her, she sensed you would end it all if there was sex involved, so she thought it better not to tell you and wait and see if the polygraph actually would occur. Give her more time to think of how she can get out of this. Also, as stated in a previous post, this probably is an addiction. It is easy for her to say she will stop when she is with you and right after you blew up at her, but she will backtrack when the OM comes to see her and keeps texting her. She will give in to her addiction. He has too easy access with her working in the same district.
> 
> You handled it pretty well so far but your struggle is just beginning (if you even want to bother).


She showed me her phone with the text history on it. It showed his text with no reply, no previous texts, just the one. She demonstrated that, I believe, and I think she is being truthful.

As far as work, she doesnt work there yet and her current job is very far away from the OM. I am about to meet her for lunch and in fact spend the rest of her shift with her (her job is independent and I'm injured and not working). 

I am prepared to hear the polygraph indicate she had sex, although I honestly don't believe it will. I do *think* she has come clean. Of course, I will let the polygraph do the talking.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think she tested the waters with the "shirts removed" part. You should have stayed calm and pushed for more. Instead, you raged. You won't get further truth if there is one. 

You should have talked to him "civilly" to see for any differences in the stories. Now they have time to talk and match their stories.(She can call him from other phones in her vicinity)


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Alot of responses here assume the absolute worst in the WS, and dont give any room for the possibility that the WS *might* actually be remorseful and want to come clean and R. I understand that cautiousness and in fact your cautiousness has helped me become more vigilent, less gullible and naive, and to take resolute and firm stands on issues. However, is there not room for the possibilty that the WS truly DOES want R and IS being truthful, at some part of this process? You guys make it sound like there is no chance for. I'm not implying that its good to be naive or just assume the best. But have none of you experienced redemption? Have there never been a WS who wasnt just always lying, but actually was remorseful, does come clean, and does NC? I'm feeling so conflicted here. Whats the point of all these parameters etc if there is no chance for true R?


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I think unfortunately you reacted badly. When she was telling you the truth you should have been prepared to hear everything and kept your emotions in check. I know that would have been difficult but I think Will id right. She trickle truth'd you a little to see how you'd take it and you blew up. I think they had sex and she's afraid to tell you because of the way you have reacted at every step so far. I hope to God I'm wrong by the way. Believe me, I know what you're feeling. I've been there and I really feel for you.

I've already told you my thoughts regarding her work and exposing the affair. I've never seen it work out the way you are planning to handle that aspect of it. But it's your marriage and its your life. I just don't want to see you go through months and possibly years of work to reconcile only to find out she never cut off contact. There are many thread running right now where spouses handled it like you are and they are now divorcing.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I think she tested the waters with the "shirts removed" part. You should have stayed calm and pushed for more. Instead, you raged. You won't get further truth if there is one.
> 
> You should have talked to him "civilly" to see for any differences in the stories. Now they have time to talk and match their stories.(She can call him from other phones in her vicinity)


Yes I see your wisdom. I couldnt contain myself, sorry. I literally raged. 

I know she can and they can talk if she really wants to, as you point out. But they would've had time to get their stories straight very long ago, so I'm not sure civilly talking with him would have accomplished other than the pain of having to hear the OM describe his fling with my wife...


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

f*** me, I hate this so much


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

brokenbloke said:


> Alot of responses here assume the absolute worst in the WS, and dont give any room for the possibility that the WS *might* actually be remorseful and want to come clean and R. I understand that cautiousness and in fact your cautiousness has helped me become more vigilent, less gullible and naive, and to take resolute and firm stands on issues. However, is there not room for the possibilty that the WS truly DOES want R and IS being truthful, at some part of this process? You guys make it sound like there is no chance for. I'm not implying that its good to be naive or just assume the best. But have none of you experienced redemption? Have there never been a WS who wasnt just always lying, but actually was remorseful, does come clean, and does NC? I'm feeling so conflicted here. Whats the point of all these parameters etc if there is no chance for true R?


My wife had an affair. She broke it off and came clean before I even knew she was involved in one. She was remorseful and contrite. She did all the heavy lifting to win back my love. We reconciled. That was 20 years ago. Even with all that I exposed the affair to everyone and she assisted me as part of the reconciliation.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Other than cry and beg what has she done to SHOW you she is remorseful. Remorse is demonstrated through action not words.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yes, but more likely than not the BS will try to be in denial to save his marriage. He almost does not want the truth. 

Why do you think the OM panicked when you called him out on it? Why do you think she was still texting him after you(her husband, the most important person in her life) forbid it? There are multiple stories where the WS swore on the life of their children lives that they were not cheating. I mean she already proved to you that she can be deceptive, why should it be hard to do it again(lying)? What has she to gain by telling you the truth.

Since the OM is scared of the consequences, try getting some truth out of him. Obviously he wont tell anything in writing. Assure him that you would leave him absolutely alone if you give him the complete truth and you will deal the rest with your wife. Why would he go out of his way to get your wife a job?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*is there not room for the possibilty that the WS truly DOES want R and IS being truthful, at some part of this process?*

This has been a possibility from the very beginning. But so far, each time you've probed you've found out something new. Truthfullness is possible, but in your case, it hasn't actually happened yet.

If they were in a situation where it was OK for her shirt to be removed (i.e., not in a public place), then they were in a situation where they could have taken it further and, let's face it, probably did. Feeling girls up is 9th grade stuff. Something you do before you're sexually active. Your wife has been having sex a long time now. OM too. It's not believable that they stopped there. Possible, yes, believable, no.

I don't know how good polygraphs are. I do know when a story doesn't make sense.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*One uncertainty I have regards how to R. My thinking is to play good cop, bad cop. That is, ZERO leeway re: NC, transparancy, polygraph etc, and being completely vigilent regarding this. At the same time, I want to spend time with her, care for her (but not dote), and not be distant. My thinking is our marriage got lost somewhere on the way this past year and she turned to another guy. Having eliminated him from the picture, I now want our love to completely replace and overwhelm our lives so that there is no need or desire to seek another man. Does this make sense? Is being caring etc inviting her to relapse? Or is it good for us? Any thoughts, criticisms, suggestions are welcome.*

If you want to have sex and reclaim your territory, that's fine. But don't act or treat her like you're getting the truth when you don't know whether or not you are. Do not give her the benefit of the doubt yet. If you want to trust in the polygraph and that backs up her story, then start treating her as if you have the truth, then start running your plan. But as of now, you can't treat her like a loving truthful sincere wife if that is not what she is. Surely she can understand if you don't believe her yet. She tells you something different every time. As stated in the previous post, if they had privacy to take shirts off, why wouldn't they go further. OM didn't get involved with your wife to get her shirt off. He wanted to get himself off. If he had privacy, he would have pushed for it and almost definitely your wife would have given it to him.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

While you are waiting for the other shoe to drop - prepare the material and plan on how you will out the OM when he does contact her again.

Because he will. He will perhaps wait a week or two - or even a month, but he will try.

So do you want to fully disclose when he does that - or are you going to do a small expose as a warning shot that you mean business?

Have the plan in place and ready to fire off when he does cross that line. (btw - he will)


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

For what it's worth, I do believe your wife loves you and wants to reconcile. I just think she's afraid to tell you the full truth because she thinks you'll divorce her and it will take that much longer for you to eventually get over it. However, catching her in a lie during the polygraph is going to end up being a lot worse than if she would have just told you the truth to begin with.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> For what it's worth, I do believe your wife loves you and wants to reconcile. I just think she's afraid to tell you the full truth because she thinks you'll divorce her and it will take that much longer for you to eventually get over it. However, catching her in a lie during the polygraph is going to end up being a lot worse than if she would have just told you the truth to begin with.


I appreciate this. I do believe she wants to reconcile but sadly I do believe it entirely makes sense that she's afraid of the consequences of the full truth and is holding it back.

That being said when I mention this to her, that I dont believe her, that I think she fears the consequences of full disclosure, she replies with that she wants to take the polygraph. She understands my perspective she says and why I dont believe her, but she insists she is being fully truthful and SHE wants to take the polygraph to demonstrate. I will go through with the test no matter what, but how would it make sense for her to insist on taking the test if she actually was still lying? I've done nothing to indicate I wasnt being absolutely serious about the polygraph, even getting quotes etc today, and she's done nothing but 100% willing and even insisting on taking the test. Isn't this is a good sign? If she still was trickle-truthing I just dont understand this behaivor...


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Well, it's a better sign than if she refused to take the poly, but it could be that she's hoping that you'll use the reasoning that if she is willing, then why waste the money and make her do it. There have been cases on these threads where the wife comes clean in the parking lot outside the polygraph office. So the fact that she says she's willing doesn't sway me all that much. She may be thinking that the polygraph is not 100% accurate and even if she fails it, she could claim that it's wrong, and take her chances with you, whereas if she came clean, you would definitely know the truth.

Or it could be that she finally is giving you the whole truth now, as improbable as I think her story sounds. But I don't think she is giving you the whole truth yet.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

brokenbloke said:


> I appreciate this. I do believe she wants to reconcile but sadly I do believe it entirely makes sense that she's afraid of the consequences of the full truth and is holding it back.
> 
> That being said when I mention this to her, that I dont believe her, that I think she fears the consequences of full disclosure, she replies with that she wants to take the polygraph. She understands my perspective she says and why I dont believe her, but she insists she is being fully truthful and SHE wants to take the polygraph to demonstrate. I will go through with the test no matter what, but how would it make sense for her to insist on taking the test if she actually was still lying? I've done nothing to indicate I wasnt being absolutely serious about the polygraph, even getting quotes etc today, and she's done nothing but 100% willing and even insisting on taking the test. Isn't this is a good sign? If she still was trickle-truthing I just dont understand this behaivor...


I really truly hope that everything is out in the open and you can move forward. I also agree that she does love you and her insisting on the polygraph is a very very good sign.


----------



## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Well, it's a better sign than if she refused to take the poly, but it could be that she's hoping that you'll use the reasoning that if she is willing, then why waste the money and make her do it. There have been cases on these threads where the wife comes clean in the parking lot outside the polygraph office. So the fact that she says she's willing doesn't sway me all that much. She may be thinking that the polygraph is not 100% accurate and even if she fails it, she could claim that it's wrong, and take her chances with you, whereas if she came clean, you would definitely know the truth.
> 
> Or it could be that she finally is giving you the whole truth now, as improbable as I think her story sounds. But I don't think she is giving you the whole truth yet.


:iagree:This
And also bear in mind that if the subject is aware of the test a lot of times is easy to pass it. For this reason it is not advisable to inform the subjest for the test, right up to the entrance of the examination laboratory.


----------



## Haz (Aug 24, 2011)

Broken:

Two thoughts here. The first is about her employment situation. I'm not sure where you are, but if you are in the US, then he is in serious ****.

I'm not quite clear on the chronology, but it sounds like she volunteered at his school, and then did her student teaching under his supervision, and now has a roaming substitute position. It would be helpful to know how exactly that timeline fits with the affair timeline. If they had sexual contact while she was student teaching, he is guilty of sexual harassment under U.S. law. If she reports it, and you should insist that she do so as a condition of reconciliation, the system cannot punish her without opening itself to a suit for retaliation. Any lawyer will tell them to treat her with kid gloves. As for him, he ends up with a written warning at the very least. Some schools will turn a blind eye to affairs between colleagues. I don't know of one the will turn a blind eye to a teacher hitting on their student teacher. 

I tend to agree that you should wait on this until after the polygraph to be sure of what you are dealing with. 

The other thing that strikes me is that the two of them were essentially in a dating relationship for about a year--holding hands, cuddles, going out drinking, going for coffee. They were also alone at his house a number of times (what was the pretext for this?) 

Here again, the timeline is important. I don't buy the stopped at shirts off bit either. I don't think you end up with your shirt off after the first kiss unless you've been thinking about it for a while. And if you have been thinking about it, why stop? But one thing is for sure. If she was ever over at his house again after that, then she's lying about what happened. If she had truly recoiled in remorse, she would never have allowed herself to go back there. So one approach for the polygraph would be to ask early on when the last time she was there was, and then later to ask when the kissing/shirt off incident took place. Do not ask her this yourself prior, as it will help her fool the polygraph.

As for his threats of slander, you are not going to do anything until you have her admission under a polygraph of their sexual contact. At that point, you will also have the evidence of 1200 texts in three weeks, clearly an inappropriate relationship. No HR department in the world is going to buy his claim that their relationship was professional.

If you can, crack the blackberry. Given that she now let's you see it, you should be able to back it up and get her old texts. Those 1200 texts, or even a part of them will tell you a great deal and sink him with his school.

She needs to come clean, one way or another. You need to heal yourself. Once that is all done, as part of working on the two of you, nail his ass to the wall.

Haz


----------



## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

wow, the more I read of these posts, the more I feel i should ask my H questions and not just take him at his word...what questions have you been asking and which will work to get more information?


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey BB---couple of things---along with full transparency, and poly---YOU DEMAND SHE SIGN A POST--NUP

As to slander/libel---the TRUTH is your defense, and he has been contacting her---she being a married woman---she met with him in a vehicle at least once, that you know of, and your wife admits to---they have met other times---he entices her---I assume you have evidentiary proof of all of these allegations

-He is nothing more than a teacher himself---SO THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR HIM TO CONTACT HER IN RE:WORK----Even if she was subbing for him---he would leave lesson plans on his desk in his classroom, and there is no reason for contact----

You need to go to the supt. of the school district, and tell him/her this guy refuses to leave your family alone----do not tell him what you are gonna do---just do it---also make sure the supt. knows your wife is not responsible for or asking for continued contact, she has told him there is to be NC, and he still pursues her---I E:he is becoming a stalker---you tell the supt. if he doesn't do something about this you will go to the media, and the District Attorney, and make this all very public---you tell the supt, you are giving him one chance to handle this in--house, and if there are any more attempts at contact, you will assume the school district is not interested in handling this, and you will go public, and may even file suit agst the school dist., as he is their responsibility----teachers by education code---are held to a higher moral standard than many other professions.

Do not back down in re:her lover

One other thing---you cannot be mr nice guy---and be lovey--dovey for a period of time---by cuddling, making love, whatever else---you are sending her the signal that it is OK, to disrespect you, to take up with other men, and to have A's----you speak your words---THEY ARE MEANINGLESS---your ranting, and raging are meaningless---it is ACTIONS AND ACTIONS ALONE--that determine the outcome---especially later in life in re:what she might do in the future---IF YOUR WIFE THINKS YOU WERE WEAK IN YOUR OVERALL APPROACH---she just might think she can do this again---as she got away with it this time---yes you have threatened her with this and that---BUT IN ALL REALITY---YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING---in re---her cheating---no actually you have done something---you held her, and cuddled her, and said---yah its OK---you can go nude with a lover---I will hold you and cuddle you, as a reward!!!!!!!

THERE HAS TO BE ACCOUNTABILITY, THERE HAS TO BE SOME HARSHNESS, TILL SHE UNDERSTANDS FULLY WHAT SHE HAS REALLY DONE

In your R.---she MUST DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING.


----------

