# Not ready for a baby - but partner is??!



## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

I'm a divorced dad with 2 relatively small kids. Started a new relationship (my first since divorced) in early February. We hit it off well and I like where the relationship is going - and yes I know it is very knew. Thing is we're not exactly old - but we're not exactly young and the g/f has made it clear she wants to have a child with me. She doesn't have any children of her own. She's discussed wanting to start trying as soon as August. This is a big deal for me and I am not entirely comfortable with this.

I'm not against the idea of having another child, but I just feel the leap from being 3 months into a relationship and then discussing kids is a bit much. The complicating factor is that she thinks she's running out of time.

I told her I was open to the idea, but it isn't just that easy. I need her to actually have met my kids (she has not, yet) and to have developed a relationship with them (...and I don't know what the right amount of time is for that to happen). I need to have lived with her for several months because I don't feel simply dating while living apart is enough to truly know if something will last. I also worry about practical things like financial stability. It's a struggle for me to support my 2 kids (I have split custody with my ex).

Having a child is a huge commitment. I understand that she feels the calendar looming and that she feels this might be her last chance. It's a good relationship and I feel like we're both very much in love - but 3 months isn't enough time to truly know. I mean - 6 months really isn't enough time. 

When my ex and I had our kids - we were younger and we had the luxury of time - but we waited until we felt we were ready. 

I don't know. I'm prepared to walk away if this is a deal breaker. I feel that my love for my kids is truly unconditional and no matter how much I love her - that kind of love is conditional. I want this to work, but I'm also not going to make a decision like this simply because I'm feeling pressured. That would be a huge mistake (to put it lightly). 

I feel that if we do eventually get to this point - it can't be rushed. I won't take shortcuts. I need to know that my kids are okay with it. I need to know that she and I are truly in it for the long haul and it does feel that way - but again - it is so new.

Guess I'm just looking for thoughts and advice. I pretty much know what I need to do - but I also don't want to hurt her. I know how much this means to her (and no - I'm not going to do it because of that). She's very passionate and I love being with her - but this is something I can't give her in the time frame she's given me.

I should add that I wasn't given this as an out-and-out ultimatum - but it was pretty clear that she wants this and she wants it sooner than later.

Thanks!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It's hard to know exactly what to say not knowing her age, but honestly, if you are not ready, you are not ready. Having a child is a BIG thing. She hasn't even met your children. She needs to be patient and let things develop. I love being a mother, but I think she is pushing too fast. It isn't fair to your or your current children.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If she's that worried about her biological clock she can have a kid on her own by going to a sperm bank. If you aren't wanting a kid with her at the moment, then you should just tell her that and she can decide whether she wants to stay with you or to go to the clinic and get inseminated. 

One thing to recognize about women is when they are ready to have kids they will often choose the man that is their best option at the time. That doesn't mean the are choosing the right man to have a kid with. But, by going that route, it does mean that if the relationship doesn't work they'll at least be assured they get child support to help raise the kid. If you aren't wanting to sign on for that then just tell her no and make sure you wear a condom in case she "forgets" to take her birth control.


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## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> It's hard to know exactly what to say not knowing her age, but honestly, if you are not ready, you are not ready. Having a child is a BIG thing. She hasn't even met your children. She needs to be patient and let things develop. I love being a mother, but I think she is pushing too fast. It isn't fair to your or your current children.


We're both in our early 40's. I think her heart is in the right place, but I agree she is pushing too fast. Not sure if it is a sense of panic as she grows older. She's a smart person. She's got her head together about most things. 

This actually first came up just a month into the relationship. We had an emotional night and she kind of blurted out that she wanted to have my child. It was walked back - but then came out again.

Again - I'm open to the idea...but we're not operating on the same time frame.


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## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> If she's that worried about her biological clock she can have a kid on her own by going to a sperm bank. If you aren't wanting a kid with her at the moment, then you should just tell her that and she can decide whether she wants to stay with you or to go to the clinic and get inseminated.
> 
> One thing to recognize about women is when they are ready to have kids they will often choose the man that is their best option at the time. That doesn't mean the are choosing the right man to have a kid with. But, by going that route, it does mean that if the relationship doesn't work they'll at least be assured they get child support to help raise the kid. If you aren't wanting to sign on for that then just tell her no and make sure you wear a condom in case she "forgets" to take her birth control.


I think we had both gotten to a point in our lives where we had more or less become comfortable with the idea of never finding someone. I've had my share of long term relationships (including being married), while she had never really settled down with anyone. A mutual friend set us up - recognizing mutual interests - and we did hit it off easily.

I really do just need to be honest with her. I feel bad about it - but if it isn't going to work - we need to know that sooner than later. I just really believe that you don't just have a kid - especially when one partner already has children. There needs to be stability. There needs to be security. You can't return a child to the store if it doesn't work out.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I know there are risks, but unless she is 45 right this second, she has a year or so to play with. If I were her, I would think in terms of seeing where the two of you are after a year together. In the meantime, just in case, she can get her own body ready by going off the pill and moving to condoms, cutting out caffeine (which affects fertility), getting really healthy, etc. Those are good things to do even if you aren't "the one" she has kids with.


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## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

She'll be 44 at the end of this year. I agree - I want to see where this goes and I want to build a relationship - but it's just not time to factor in a child. There is a process - you meet, you get to know one another, you meet the kids, you move in together, and so on...and then you get to possibly having kids. She is pretty healthy and not currently on birth control (we use condoms).


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## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

She said she isn't sure she wants to meet my kids unless we're committed enough to start a family together and I can't get past that. On one level - it almost feels like emotional blackmail - but I don't think that is what she's doing. I just think she really wants to have a child and she thinks she's finally met the guy of her dreams and we're in love and that should be enough...so we should get at it while the window is still open and I cannot do that. I have 2 small kids - I don't get to be that footloose and fancy free.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

A bit of advice is don't compromise on this. If you two aren't on the same page then you shouldn't have a kid with her. Remember, her desire to have a kid on her terms/time isn't your problem, so advocate for your own needs. If she's really that in love with you she shouldn't try to coerce you into doing something that you aren't comfortable with. As I mentioned before she's looking at you as a potential baby daddy because you are her best option AT THIS TIME and if the relationship doesn't work she can get the kid she wants and use you as a checkbook and collect child support from you.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

why was she single at 44? history?
why there no children from previous relationships or marriage? or is her wish for a baby brandnew?

first you need to know if she is able to build a healthy relationship with your children. take it easy.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Ever hear the term only fools rush in?

I commend you for recognizing that your kids come first, always! And that kids are a way bigger commitment than anything else you could possibly do in this life. Kudos Dad! 

Getting pregant within the first 12 months of a relationship would be foolish. This is the time of limerence. You feel like you love her, you may in time *once you really get to know her* fall in a deep, committed, eternal love - but right now? Right now hormones are surging. Rose colored glasses are on, and the relationship has not been tested. 

There is no greater test, no greater stress, no greater mountain for a relationship to tackle than child rearing. As you know, it is not something to take lightly, and is DOES break many couples. Your relationship needs to be solidified before bringing a child into the world. 

Now, with all of that said.... "_Thing is we're not exactly old - but we're not exactly young_"

When it comes to female fertility? 44 is old. The chances that she will conceive naturally, and carry to term are quite low. Odds of down syndrome or other chromosomal disorders are exponentially higher than for young mothers. One in 30 pregnancies when the mother is 45, vs. one in 1,200 when the mother is 25. 



> 45 and over
> At 45, a woman's likelihood of getting pregnant is no more than 3 or 4 percent. That's not to say it's impossible, but assisted reproductive technologies are almost always necessary, with IVF the most common. "The few eggs you have left may have chromosomal abnormalities, so screening before IVF is critical," says Dr. Copperman. Success rates are 0 to 1 percent....


https://www.parents.com/getting-pre...our-chances-of-getting-pregnant-at-every-age/

I think you are being very reasonable - and she is not. I understand her clock is ticking, or just about timed out, but you did not create that situation. You met her a few months ago! And fixing this situation is not your responsibility - and it would be very very risky to try to do so at this stage of the game.

And I sure hope you are using condoms. Having sex with a women who wants to get pregnant while you do not is Russian Roulette. The odds are stacked a bit in your favor, as she is most likely subfertile - but still - thats a roll of the dice man. *Protect yourself. *


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Sconnie said:


> She said she isn't sure she wants to meet my kids unless we're committed enough to start a family together and I can't get past that. On one level - it almost feels like emotional blackmail - but I don't think that is what she's doing. I just think she really wants to have a child and she thinks she's finally met the guy of her dreams and we're in love and that should be enough...so we should get at it while the window is still open and I cannot do that. I have 2 small kids - I don't get to be that footloose and fancy free.


I'm sorry. My gut reaction to this was that this is manipulation on her part. "I won't meet your kids unless you agree to have a baby." That is a red flag.


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## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

SA2017 said:


> why was she single at 44? history?
> why there no children from previous relationships or marriage? or is her wish for a baby brandnew?
> 
> first you need to know if she is able to build a healthy relationship with your children. take it easy.


Not entirely sure on this one. She just says she never met the right person. She had more-or-less resigned herself to being single and adopting until she met me. She said she's always wanted to be a mother.

Totally agree that first step is building a healthy relationship with my kids and I honestly can't put a time frame on that. It will take as long as it needs to take and it cannot be rushed.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Sconnie said:


> She'll be 44 at the end of this year. I agree - I want to see where this goes and I want to build a relationship - but it's just not time to factor in a child. There is a process - you meet, you get to know one another, you meet the kids, you move in together, and so on...and then you get to possibly having kids. She is pretty healthy and not currently on birth control (we use condoms).




Make absolutely sure that you supply the condoms every single time. Not only buying them, but you should also be storing them and retrieving them when it's time to do the deed. There's no real necessity to inform her of where you keep them too. This advice is especially important after you resolve this situation with her (Re: after you "thought" you had resolved this situation with her...).


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## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

I do wonder if some of this (or maybe a lot of it) comes from not having been in many serious relationships and then falling in love - but worrying that it could all be an illusion...so she's looking for any sign that I'm not committed and that I could vanish at any moment? I kind of get that - I think we've all been there - even those of us with experience - worrying and wondering if your partner is as "all in" as you are. I know I've done it - I still do. 

I really am just very confused and troubled and questioning over this. It was not an expected conversation - even if it did come out a couple months ago. She might have conditions, but I have conditions, too. Question is whether or not we can align those conditions and if we can't - I'm willing to walk away - I don't want to - but I'd rather know that now than later.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Oh my gosh. It takes at least a couple of years to know if someone is the right one, maybe even longer with a blended family (you have kids). I'm surprised the responses you have gotten aren't more forcefully negative!

In my opinion it would be extremely foolish to have a child with this woman. It sounds like she is being led by the desire to have one. I'm a parent. I couldn't imagine having another child with someone unless and until my new partner and I had established a solid family unit with my existing kids. And I certainly wouldn't make a lifetime commitment of a child with someone I didn't know REALLY WELL (couple of years).... What you do will affect your existing children forever!!!

And really, at her age children may be out anyway. Some women have a hard time conceiving as early as 35.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You're not wrong to want to take it easy. However she isn't wrong for wanting to move forward. She IS running out of time. So she needs to know if your in this or just looking for a FWB situation. If she sinks a year into you and it isn't going to work out she out of time. 

While she maybe rushing she may also have recognized that you are the one she wants. It really didn't take me and my husband long at all to know this was the person I wanted for the rest of my life. We were mid twenties and had dated had a LTR that didnt work ( with others) and kinda knew what we wanted and where we were going.

Ever think she's worried your kids won't like her or that your ex will pump them against her? She may feel very vulnerable to the whims of children. 

Depending on age some will purposefully try to split parents and new interests.

It's important to be honest with her and if you aren't the one let her go. If you think this is going to work sit down have a long conversation and set up a meeting with the kids ASAP. I don't think planning for August is out of the question as that is another 4 months by then if you aren't ready then you probably won't be in her timeline. 

It's not that you or her are bad or good but you may have different priorities. Be honest so that if you aren't aligning she can make decisions.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Sconnie - the first part of your subject line says it all - "Not ready for a baby". Your original post says you're 'not against the idea' and that you're 'open to the idea'. These statements have no conviction. It should be either "hell yes I want another child" or "hell no I don't". This woman has a time table, and every day that goes by and you haven't agreed to conceive, the pressure is going to ramp up. Doesn't sound like a good situation to me at all. If you don't want a child then don't have one. If your woman just has to have a child of her own then set her free to have one with someone who truly wants that.

Plus you've already discussed having a child, and she hasn't even met your kids yet. You have no idea if you'll be compatible as a family, yet you're already making plans to have a child with this woman. Seriously dude - what are you thinking?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

anastasia6 said:


> -snip- If she sinks a year into you and it isn't going to work out she (would be) out of time. -super snip-


And getting pregnant in the first year of any relationship is not a really good idea. She is going to have to sink a year into someone, because she is out of time already. Insecurities or not Sconnie is her best bet.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

She should go to the sperm bank. It's the best solution for her time line.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

And that may be true. I'm just saying be honest. If necessary let her go.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Tough one to comment on, she is getting up there in age to be able to have a child but the relationship is so new that it puts pressure on you both.

Not sure what to say other than do what your head tells you and ignore your heart and **** this time.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

anastasia6 said:


> And that may be true. I'm just saying be honest. If necessary let her go.


I do think he should be honest with her. 

I think he should be honest with her about how completely unreasonable her request is. About how her demands that he agree to impregnating her before she will agree to meeting his children is not acceptable. 

About how having a blended family, a new relationship, and even contemplating a new baby are all going to be very difficult things, and most be tackled sensibly. 

About how she has already run her clock down. About how she will most likely require fertility treatment, and discuss who would pay for that, and how much money are they going to sink into it before giving up. 

About how the odds of having a disabled child are greater than 1 in 30. About what will they do if she does become pregnant, and tests show the fetus is abnormal. 

About how two parents - who will be 60 by the time the kid is in high school. About how that will affect retirement plans etc. What if the child is disabled? What would be the long range provisions?

Honestly - its an extremely risky endeavor. I understand she wants a baby, but waiting as long as she already has really complicates matters. 

Personally, I am not a gambler, the risks of this situation are way way too high for my comfort level - maybe the OP feels different. Maybe his girl friend is willing to take big risks - or maybe she wants a kid so badly she hasn't thought about all of the issues at hand. 

Not to mention the high failure rates of second marriages etc, that rushing in puts even greater odds against them.

Now, maybe they will beat all the stats. Have a healthy baby, great blended family, and live happily ever after - but the odds of that are very very low.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

You would have to be out of your mind to plan to have a baby with a woman you've only known for three months. Holy crap.

And Ishouldnthave's point is well-taken. Our last was born when I was 44. I'll be working until at least 66 just to pay for college. I wouldn't do anything differently, but it's an important consideration.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm strongly of the opinion that a couple should only have a child if both are completely on-board with the idea. There is no un-doing this, it will affect the rest of your life.


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## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

Thank you all for the input. It has helped. I believe I know what I want/need to do. I need to talk to her and acknowledge that while I'm open to the idea of having a child with her, there are things I need before I can do that. I need for her to have not just met my kids - but to have developed a relationship with them. They need to know that we have some stability and we all need to see how the "family" that already exists fits together. I don't know how long that will take, but it can't be rushed and the first step is for her to meet them. I also feel like need to live together and see what it's like to actually set up a household together. This will allow us to integrate our lives, friends, family, and routines. I think this is important and this is something I am willing to commit to sooner than later. Finally, we need to make sure it makes practical sense from a financial standpoint. I don't know how long that will take and if it's something she isn't able to wait for - then we need to be able to go our own way. The more time I spend with her and the more I get to know her the more I do want to have a long term future with her and the idea of having a child with her does appeal to me and I also feel the pressure that we don't have that much time (if we even do right now), but I'm not able to compromise what I feel we need to do to build the stability to bring a child into the world together.

We haven't had a chance to really work on many of these steps. The relationship is new. She's done some traveling for work. We've had to fit us into the time when I don't have the kids. My hope is that this discussion will spur us towards actively working on building our relationship: meeting the kids, moving in together later this summer (she will be traveling again for an extended period of time in early summer) and just figuring out what life "together" truly means because right now we haven't lived an integrated life and that is really important. We need to be a little more road tested.

It just needs to be an honest and open discussion and again - if this is something she can't wait for or won't wait for - I have to let her go. It's only fair for both of us.

Again - thank you all for the input. I really think she is a good person and she's someone I really do want a future with and we have to decide what that looks like and whether or not we can find a "future" that works for both of us.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I'm concerned that she see's you more as a sperm donor and child support more than a actual long-term lover and partner

3 months and she is already rushing it... and you have 2 young kids? Not a comfortable place to be in. 3 months is not enough time to know if you should be tied to this women for the next 16-18 years


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Also, if you dangle the carrot on a stick; "we can have kids if you accomplish X, Y Z" she will be even MORE upset if at the end of all this you say no to children. You have now wasted more of her time.

You know her prime agenda is to have children with you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Three months in and she wants to have your baby?

Run fast, run hard, and run NOW.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Sconnie said:


> She'll be 44 at the end of this year. I agree - I want to see where this goes and I want to build a relationship - but it's just not time to factor in a child. There is a process - you meet, you get to know one another, you meet the kids, you move in together, and so on...and then you get to possibly having kids. She is pretty healthy and not currently on birth control (we use condoms).


Condoms are not for people who are seriously trying not to get pregnant. Their failure rate is about 18%, which means that in one year 18% of the people using them will have a pregnancy.

For your girlfriend, this is probably lower, because her fertility is likely low at 44. Very few women become pregnant past age 40. It can happen, but by the time someone reaches 40 their changes of pregnancy continue to fall drastically each year. That is why your girlfriend is in such a hurry. Her biological clock is barley ticking. It's not longer keeping time, but is winding down.

Likely your girlfriend had given up on children, but when she realized that she was in love with you and you are a good man in her eyes she suddenly had renewed hope. I can understand where she is coming from, but you are in no position to have a baby right now and especially with a woman you barely know. If you aren't ready to get married, why would you be ready to have a baby? Could you imagine another child with split custody and a different mother? 

This could all be moot anyway. It's probably too late for her to have a baby now.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Look, you may be in some sort of chemical love after 3 months, but that is not the kind of love a couple needs to have for each other in order to make the long haul. This "in love" stuff fades away in time and making major decisions in this period can have huge consequences. Even the decision to have her meet your kids is a major one and you are already sort of being pushed into it - and allowing that. 

I'd be clear and honest and let her walk away if she must. Do not compromise on timelines. It takes several years to really know someone, and even then you don't really. Three months in, you're not even thinking with a clear mind.


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## Sconnie (May 3, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> Look, you may be in some sort of chemical love after 3 months, but that is not the kind of love a couple needs to have for each other in order to make the long haul. This "in love" stuff fades away in time and making major decisions in this period can have huge consequences. Even the decision to have her meet your kids is a major one and you are already sort of being pushed into it - and allowing that.
> 
> I'd be clear and honest and let her walk away if she must. Do not compromise on timelines. It takes several years to really know someone, and even then you don't really. Three months in, you're not even thinking with a clear mind.


Agreed. I'm definitely very aware that what we're feeling right now is very much chemical love - it is only still the honeymoon period...just not sure she has the experience to know that the feeling does fade and that it takes more to keep a relationship going. I'm just not sure how to explain that without sounding jerky or like I don't care about her with the same passion she feels towards me??


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sconnie said:


> *She said she isn't sure she wants to meet my kids unless we're committed enough to start a family together *and I can't get past that. On one level - it almost feels like emotional blackmail - but I don't think that is what she's doing. I just think she really wants to have a child and she thinks she's finally met the guy of her dreams and we're in love and that should be enough...so we should get at it while the window is still open and I cannot do that. I have 2 small kids - I don't get to be that footloose and fancy free.


She doesn't want to meet your children until you agree to have a child with her?? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse?

Having a child with someone is far more serious than just meeting someone's children!

She sounds mixed up at least, and manipulative at most.

Guard your condoms, because you might find they have a hole pricked in them, and that she is pregnant "by accident."

Slow down with this person. If the time comes that you want to get married and have children, if it is too late for her, then so be it.

Having a child when the relationship is not solid means child support from you for the next 18+ years, shared visitation, etc. if you never move in together or get married.

Are you willing to pay that price?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Sconnie said:


> Agreed. I'm definitely very aware that what we're feeling right now is very much chemical love - it is only still the honeymoon period...just not sure she has the experience to know that the feeling does fade and that it takes more to keep a relationship going. I'm just not sure how to explain that without sounding jerky or like I don't care about her with the same passion she feels towards me??


You can use a calm and loving tone when you state your boundaries. However she takes it is on her. 

"Three months is not long enough for me to know if I want you to meet my kids, much less have another." 

Lather, rinse, repeat. She is free to have all the fits she wants to have about it, but do not budge and consider her reaction when you contemplate continuing the relationship.

This is fraught with red flags already.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

3 months is not long enough. This woman’s biological clock is ticking and it’s very unfortunate that she waited this long to want to have kids but you know what, that’s not your problem. Let this woman go now to find a man who is ready to have kids because if she does end up waiting for you, she’ll regret it and resent you, and if you have a child now without really fully knowing her you are asking for trouble and being a father of two your choices are not just your own. You need to think about the two kids you already have.

Don’t let this woman pressure you into having more kids you are not ready for. You guys are not a good match for each other, let her go.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I mean, I do understand her wish too since her clock is ticking for real. but (!) you don't know much about her. that's worry me a lot. you don't even know how she reacts under stress with children. 
so, she adopted children until now or did i misunderstand you?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

She has had 25 years to settle down and have kids. Now at 44, with her chances very low to conceive, she is all in with a guy she's known 3 months? Sounds fishy. Also, it sounds odd that she feels you both need to know each other more to meet your kids (and I agree) but she wants to have babies with you like in a few months. Tell her its too early right now in your relationship, but you revisit it next year.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> She doesn't want to meet your children until you agree to have a child with her?? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse?
> 
> Having a child with someone is far more serious than just meeting someone's children!
> 
> ...



Oh, I didn't read all that before. This is a huge red flag. she sounds manipulative and pushy. I have a bad feeling about her.


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## sparklingandbroken (May 7, 2018)

Red flags all over this one. If she's 44, she's had plenty of time to do the things that build up to having children of her own. She shouldn't be pressuring you now just because she's hearing the clock tick. Especially if she hasn't even met your own kids. In addition, I think your relationship is too new to endure the stresses that will most likely accompany trying to get pregnant at her age. Stick to your guns.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, I don't think that she is the right woman for you. She is rushing to have a child without knowing you long enough nor want to meet your children. She is 44 years old. There is a reason why she is not married nor have children at an earlier age. Don't let any woman rush you into a permanent relationship, let alone have a baby. You have two very young children already. What happened to your previous marriage could happen again & this relationship is certainly rushed. You will end up with two sets of families & supporting both. Not a wise move.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Only three months in? And she first discussed having a child after a month? Her clock is definitely ticking -- and may have already stopped -- but that's not your problem. She's moving way too fast. You don't really know her. She doesn't really know you. What she's focused on right now -- to the exclusion of everything else -- is that you're her hope of finally having a baby. 

No. No. No.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like she wants to be a mother in concept, but not reality. Does she actually like kids, like for real where she wants to be with them? Or is it more like a fantasy where she's imagining what it is like?

I'm struggling to combine her wanting to have kids but not wanting to meet yours. If she likes kids, she'd want to meet your kids. It's like saying you like puppies but you don't want to meet her puppies.

As you know, kids require a *HUGE* commitment in time and energy. If someone isn't really prepared for that and thinks kids will be just story time and "i love you's", they're in for a rude awakening. Plus, having kids at your age means high expenses going into retirement. It sounds like that's already the case for you, anyway. Having another now means college will be starting when you're 65.

Before you make any commitments, have her spend significant time with your kids and see how much work it truly takes. She may realize that she'd really prefer to have a more carefree life than have that responsibility for decades.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

And OP don't forget to think about what you would do if a child had special needs or in the event she was unable to work during the entire pregnancy. Are you on board with becoming the sole financial provider?

At 44 chances of both are really really really high.

It's probably moot though. I doubt she's able to conceive without $$$$$$ fertility treatment intervention.

I'd delve deep into why she waited so long. What was she doing the past (literally) couple of decades? Why are you now paying the price for her life decisions that timed out her clock????


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What a heartbreaking situation. Unfortunately there is no compromise here. One of you will have to give in - or not.

I don't think she's manipulative or unstable, I think she's a woman who's always wanted children, but was not as lucky as the other women on this post, who met their husbands early enough to have children. She's desperate yes. I was this woman. I didn't "wait" to have children. I didn't choose to end up 45 and childless. I just didn't meet my husband until I was 38, and by the time we were married it was too late for us to have a child. 

That is my biggest regret. The one thing I've always wanted is my own family. Nothing I ever do or have will fill that aching, empty hole in my soul.

I do though, agree that 3 months is insanely quick to even be considering having a child. But again, she thinks she's finally met the man she's always wished for and in all likelihood, it's too late anyway. It won't happen without medical intervention either, that is also something the two of you need to discuss.

Having a baby should only ever happen when both parents are excited and want it to happen.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I didn't think she can tell he's 'the one she's always wished for' in only three months though. She hasn't even met his children. Seen him interact as a dad. Interacted with them all together. How can she evenn know she wants to be part of this family?


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## PumpkinSpice (May 10, 2018)

It’s not fair to say that this woman has had every opportunity to find a husband and settle. Not every woman meets their ideal man by their 40’s to settle down, marry, and have children. I know too many women in their early 40’s (my age group) that have not found a good man to settle with. Some of those women still hope to meet someone and have children with. Others have let it go. Fact is, the road from dating to marriage just isn’t the simple path it once used to be.

That said, I wish I could talk to this woman to see where her head is. She may be trying to have children because of the biological clock OR she may be trying to have her own family with you without your first 2 children. Very suspect that she wouldn’t want to meet your children. I couldn’t wait to meet my husband’s children and had hoped to build a good relationship with them. It was the ex who was not happy about me and became a wedge in their early years. Anyway, I saw my husband’s children as my family - you can’t love a man and not be interested in his children. Something is off about that to me.

OP, don’t give in to this. You have small children that are going to need you for many years to come. I’m not sure how you’re handling the kids with your ex, but you’ll be having to work with her for a long time to come as well. Your girlfriend needs to understand this. Sounds like you’re thinking wisely about this. Just don’t fall to the pressure. Be prepared if this difference ends the relationship.

I also agree to watch your condoms.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I didn't think she can tell he's 'the one she's always wished for' in only three months though. She hasn't even met his children. Seen him interact as a dad. Interacted with them all together. How can she evenn know she wants to be part of this family?


Correct. My post was meant to say "thinks she's met the one she's always wished for".


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sconnie said:


> Agreed. I'm definitely very aware that what we're feeling right now is very much chemical love - it is only still the honeymoon period...just not sure she has the experience to know that the feeling does fade and that it takes more to keep a relationship going. I'm just not sure how to explain that without sounding jerky or like I don't care about her with the same passion she feels towards me??


You need to move on and let her find someone more in tune with what she's looking for.

Honestly, you sound selfish - you want to keep her around because your lizard brain is enjoying all the benefits of being with her, but you KNOW what her driving desire is and it's really NOT your desire. You're just playing around with the thought of _possibly_ having a kid in the future if all the planets align just right and she turns into Mary Poppins with your kids and world hunger is eradicated and they find a cure for cancer.

Let her go. Let her find someone whose on the same page as she is. You're just dangling a carrot at this point because you want her to stick around because it benefits you.

Let her go.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sconnie said:
> 
> 
> > Agreed. I'm definitely very aware that what we're feeling right now is very much chemical love - it is only still the honeymoon period...just not sure she has the experience to know that the feeling does fade and that it takes more to keep a relationship going. I'm just not sure how to explain that without sounding jerky or like I don't care about her with the same passion she feels towards me??
> ...


I usually agree with your perspective, but not this time. Three months of knowing someone isn't enough time to know if you want a child with them. No way. And it's beenthree months of this woman not wanting to meet there existing kids, as well!!!

I don't think it's selfish at all. At three months most intelligent people will know it's not long enough to know if you're even still going to be *dating* in three more months, let alone having a CHILD with someone.

At 44 I don't think she's going to find any man who is on the same page of committing to having a child together after only three months of dating.


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