# Dealing with an ex mistress - advice needed



## faithandbelieve (May 3, 2010)

I had an affair and it ended pretty badly (which affair doesn't end badly!!???). I was able to save my marriage and have been thankful to God ever since for the chance to have a wonderful life with a woman who married me and loves me unconditionally (something I failed to do). I've thrown myself into my marriage, I cherish it nurture it and respect it the way it ought to be respected. Guilt and remorse are incredibly powerful emotions and I've been punished inside my head and heart daily ever since, so please don't leave critical comments. They're no use to anyone nor are they constructive.

The former mistress's husband decided to get revenge a year after it ended and after years of doing nothing while it was going on. I don't know if they're still together but that doesn't matter. It's been some years since I had any contact with either him or her and I've moved on, rebuilt my life and an no longer the person that once thought it was OK to 'get a bit on the side'

My problem is that after years of silence, the former mistress (who was also married at the time) made contact recently via email and asked to get in touch because she needs a friend. I am not interested but I can't afford to have her visiting my home if she so decides. 

Should I contact her and tell her my life is not what it once was or should I ignore the request?

Appreciate any constructive advice

Thank you


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## Sydni (May 1, 2010)

It sounds to me like you have your life together. Don't let the pull of her being friendly ruin things for you. I think you should tell your wife about the email, send the ex mistress an email saying you can not be her friend, tell her you mean no disrespect but that your life is great and you value your wife's new trust in you and you don't want to jeopardize that. Make sure she knows that you you have no interest in seeing her, SHOW YOUR WIFE THE EMAIL that she sent you and SHOW HER the one you sent back. Let her know what is going on so that if the ex-mis. shows up or keeps bothering you then your wife will have no reason to not trust you again. It's a very thin line you are walking and if you are not careful with your wording and you do not reveal everything to your wife then it could take a horrible turn... Just make sure you show your wife the messages, i cant stress that enough  Good luck and I hope all turns out well:smthumbup:


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## faithandbelieve (May 3, 2010)

Sydni,

thanks for the advice. the issue is that my wife never found out about that I had this mistress. as far as my wife is concerned, the affair never took place. So you see, it is an extremely fine line. 

As much as I would love to tell my wife, i can't. that would be a marriage ending move and one I won't take. yes, i have my life together. Unfortunately it's taken bad decisions on my part and years of remorse to get to this stage. 

The Q burning a HUGE hole in my head is whether to contact the mistress and tell her that my life is not what it once was and that an notion of friendship is not possible or whether to do nothing at all


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Faithandbelieve you had me on your side bud till you said your wife doesn't know. Sorry to sound crass, but when you lay down with dogs, don't be surprised if you get fleas. You say you have changed your ways and you are a better man, yet you never told your wife? I'm sorry, in my eyes you haven't changed enough. Your wife deserves the full and honest truth, not more lies IMO. 

You run a big chance of all of this backfiring on you and your house of cards can come tumbling down...


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Don't do anything don't reply just act like you didn't recieve it and mark it as spam or block her email. If it's been years there is no way she feels close enough to you to come to the house, right?

As far as telling your wife that's on you? I'm in the minority here and wouldn't want to know if my wife had a affair espcially one that was over.......screw that....we all make mistakes I don't need to know about everything you do or don't do. As long as life is good, we're happy, etc etc why screw it up has always been my motto. I've played that full discloure gut wrenching honesty stuff and it hurts alot on both sides and makes the realtionship feel very unnatural, but that's another story and has nothing to do with YOU telling your wife!!

Right now your stuck!! You are worried your wife will find out? Well like fudging on your taxes it's a risk..... you just hope you don't get audited and if you do well you can deal with it then. Seems like a similar situation here!! Good luck and enjoy living with your secret.......some people can handle it some can't.....let us know how it goes.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Your affair ended badly so you went back to your wife as some sort of Plan B. You never told her what you did, claim your marriage is better than ever and now are essentially being blackmailed by the woman's husband. I am sorry to sound harsh but the only thing I hear in your post is you are looking for a solution to not mess up your happy life. You don't want the boat rocked. I don't see how your marriage has changed since you are still lying and doing whatever you can to protect your own ass rather than protecting your wife. She has every right to know what you did. Then she can decide if the happy marriage is really that happy. Cheaters always say they don't want their spouse to find out to "protect them from the pain". That's crap. They don't want their spouse to find out to protect THEMSELVES from the pain. Tell her or he will.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I have to agree with Brennan. My H's affair took place and I didn't find out until 18 months later. From HER husband on MY facebook. That is only gonna add on more hurt. She is going to hear about it, and it needs to be from you. She is already going to be pissed that you lied about it for so long, don't put the additional weight of her having to find out from someone else on her too. I am speaking from experience. By you not telling her you are taking away her ability to make an informed decision therefor making decisions about your marriage all by yourself. That isn't a marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I agree with the other posters who are telling you that your secretiveness about the affair, despite your profession of guilt and remorse to total strangers is kind of worthless in regards to your "happy" marriage.

Your wife is not aware of your infidelity so this house of cards you are trying to defend? It is not a happy marriage. It is a fake thing, an attempt by you to satisfy your own needs, not those of your wife.

You say that the women you cheated with, her husband did nothing until later? Um, maybe because he was being lied to as well by his cheating wife!

Your behavior has come home to roost for you. This fallout cannot be damage controlled with out the truth being aired to your wife.

You need to seek professional counseling on the best method of doing this.

Ignore the email from that woman. In fact, I suggest you change your email address and only alert those who must know the new one.

Your fears of being revealed as a cheater and the resultant fury and pain, disappointment, and maybe end of your marriage is driving your decisionmaking. What should be driving it is concern for your wife. She cannot make full decisions about her life when she doesn't know the circumstances of it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What gives you reason to think the ex-m would show up at your house? If she said as much, then it is an implied threat. If it is just your fear talking, then there is no reason to think she would do it.

I'd say, don't respond. There is literally nothing you can say that will help the situation, and silence "says it all" about how you do not want to be friends. 

You don't know what the future holds, so cherish your wife and be prepared to accept whatever comes in the future--that is the "punishment" you suffer for your bad decisions and earlier selfishness. Telling your wife at this juncture would be wrongfully injuring her peace. If you have to live with guilt and uncertainty forevermore, then so be it. If she eventually finds out, so be it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

faithandbelieve said:


> As much as I would love to tell my wife,* i can't*. that would be a marriage ending move and one *I won't* take.


:lol:

You don't have a marriage. You have a convenience - for YOU.

Your WIFE, on the other hand, is living a lie, thinking she is with one person when she is actually with someone who LIES to her for his OWN benefit.

The only moral and just way out of this mess you created is to show your wife the email, tell her the truth, ask for forgiveness, and move forward with whichever method SHE chooses.

Who's the celebrity who just announced this week that he was cheating? I think it was David Boreanz. The only reason he told the truth is that the mistress decided to lawyer up and try to extort hush money from him. *gag*


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## faithandbelieve (May 3, 2010)

Thanks to all who commented. Whilst I may not share some of the views offered and only I know the full extent of my situation, I appreciate your effort to share your thoughts. 

Cheers


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I know perfectly well the full extent of your situation because it is the same tired and true for all cheaters. They don't want to be found out and own up to what they have done. They have moved on from the situation (in your case a multi year affair) and they don't want their spouse to find out what they did, to further their guilt and their cowardace. You post on a random forum that you don't want anybody to say things that make you feel bad. "It isn't constructive". Well it is because you need to see that even though you have ended your affair, you haven't changed at all. You came on this forum to find out ways to further deceive your wife about all the lies, the betrayal and the bull**** you have put her through. You are still deceptive and only looking out for yourself but I doubt you will listen. Read my other posts and perhaps take a hard look at what you are really doing. Cheaters are cowards. You don't want your "perfect marriage" to end because in the end it is all about you. She DESERVES the truth.


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## faithandbelieve (May 3, 2010)

Thanks brennan, may i suggest you review the posting rules, in particular rule no.6.

I will display more decorum than you and refrain from making any inflammatory comments. Once again, thanks


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

faith, with all due respect, I'd like to suggest something I've observed over the past few years of reading posts from people who get involved in affairs. I've seen two kinds - those who have no idea how they got into one, who would never in a million years do it on purpose. They spend the rest of their years remorseful, they tell all because they feel 'lower than' the spouse they cheated on, and they become an open vessel to advice, and admit their shortcomings. And they don't argue with posters and deflect harsh views away from themselves.

The other kind may feel remorse once they realize the destruction they've caused. They may even vow to 'make it up' to their spouse. But they rarely tell the truth. They rarely take advice from posters. They take every negative comment about themselves and twist it around so that people (hopefully) forget that this was supposed to be a discussion about THEM, and make it about the other posters. They deflect. They always have a reason why they can't tell the truth. And it's almost always because of their own sense of self-preservation: THEY will always be Number One in their own life.

That's not necessarily a bad thing. But once you throw cheating into the mix, you have set yourself on a path of hiding, lying, and worrying about exposure for the rest of your life.

All it would take to solve this is for you to tell the truth, ask for forgiveness, and continue on the rest of your life with your wife in REAL companionship, rather than a restrained agreement. You are already in a mild state of panic because the OW has resurfaced. Do you think your wife is so stupid that she doesn't realize it? How much lying do you think she will accept?

Just asking you to consider it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I disagree with the advice to tell the unknowing wife, if she isn't asking questions. Living with the uncertainty of when she might ask is his burden--if she is truly unaware, or she chooses to remain uninformed, that is her right and her choice. Forcing the information on her to "clear his conscience" is more selfish, IMO. 

There is always a strong vein of "you deserve to be punished" in the advice to confess, presented without regard for the impact on the unknowing spouse. I'm assuming, however, there are no further lies being told to cover up--that's crossing a line, continuing to deceive to hide a past deception. 

That's why it is a burden for the cheater--he never knows when his life may explode on him. Getting rid of that burden, at the expense of his wife's current peace of mind, is unfair to her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I do understand your logic, and agree with it - halfway.

The other half, however, is that the marriage she THINKS she has is a lie.

I would be thoroughly TICKED OFF if I spent my whole life with a man who I found out, after 30-50 years, had been lying to me or cheating on me or God knows what else, for his own convenience.

As I said, that's NOT a marriage.

A marriage is where two people LOVE each other, share everything, have each other's back, and nourish each other. And can make honest, true, beneficial decisions together, based on the TRUTH.

_She doesn't get that option, because someone else is making her decision FOR her, without her knowledge or consent._

Not to mention the STDs she may have that he can't tell her about.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I apologize if I came off harsh to you. That was not my intention. I am very blunt and often call things out as I see them. I do think you are a good person and you want your marriage to work. The hard part is that by not being forthcoming with what you did you are not being honest and the good husband you are striving to be. Cheating hurts and she will most definately be hurt by it but the continued lying hurts more. If she finds out from some other source the level of betrayal will be 100x worse than if you sit her down and tell her what has happened in the past, you are a much better husband now, you love her and you will do whatever it takes to earn her trust and respect back. Stop trying to protect yourself and tell her what she needs to know. My harshness was me trying to get you to realize this.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

Alright, well. I disagree with keeping the affair a secret. I would want to know any affair that happened with my spouse and if I were in your position I would tell my spouse. It's unfair to her for you to betray, then lie and hide things. When you got married, you took a vow to be honest, and love each other through the good, the bad, and the ugly, which this just so happens to be. Pardon me for saying, but I feel if you can't own up to your mistakes, and learn from them, you're not really in love with your wife. My husband had indeed cheated on me, and he told me, and we fixed what we had to and moved on, because he made a mistake and we love each other with every ounce of our being. If you really loved your wife, you wouldn't be so afraid to tell her, she has every reason to know. EVERY REASON!

As for the other woman, if you talk to her you risk losing everything.
Don't let your wife find out anything from anyone else, because I can almost guarantee you'll lose her for sure that way.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Some of ya'll are crazy people playing principle based decision making vs the realities of life, imo.

Of course don't we all want to know when our spouse screws up based on principle, but the reality is our life would have been much much better if we didn't know about it.

Answer me this for everyone that claims this "brutal honesty" is what they want? This is for the woman for instance:

1. Do you want to know when your husband masturbates? When he watches porn? When he cracks jokes with the "buds" about hot chicks? Do you really want to know that? "Yeah, honey, I whacked off today looked at a little porn, just wanted to let you know and to be honest I do it all the time always have!!" It's happening I work with guys it's happening!! Unless you have deep deep religious convictions I know of NO guy who doesn't who is under 50!! 

2. People lie and hide every single day and don't tell their spouse, but no one owns up or cares about the minute fibs that are told. If you screwed up and had a physical affair let alone a EA which seems to carry just as much weight WTF? You have to tell or you a fake, pos, liar, fake marriage, etc etc. In the end it's another mistake just bigger than the others. For all of the "religious" people Jesus blood forgives the same little white lie or capital murder how many chistians like to believe that? 

3. Reality vs Principle again how is the marriage hurt if he doesn't tell? Assuming he can just forget "time will help him forget!!" and he is being awesome trying his butt off how does the marriage suffer? It only suffers if she finds out? All this is assuming he lives his life no different than he normally would.

4. More principle vs reality how many who have been unfortunate enough to have a cheating spouse say "That is the best thing that ever happened I'm so glad I found out about it!! Marriage is better now then ever!!" Some may say this, but pride aside often the life would have been better had nothing ever been known! That is a fact!!

To say the OP doesn't have a marriage is throwing the baby out with the bathwater 100% !! Of course he doesn't want to tell her!! So, it's a simple choice risk/reward? 50 years from now if she never finds out will her life be better? HEll YES IT WILL assuming he can handle the stress.......of his secret. Which many guys easily can because like I've stated before many affairs for men are meaningless guys/girls are wired different.

Full disclosure may mean a happier "purer" life on paper reality that is rarely the case. I'm not saying what he did was right or that I condone it, but again saying he must fess up now or you don't have a marriage is stupid stupid!!

Many things in life are better left unsaid! Every situation is different and like I've said 100000 times before. If my wife had a 1 night stand or quick affair.....DON'T FREAKING TELL ME!! If our life is great and unchanged you keep your little secret to yourself or go get some counseling no reason to mess up our world because you feel guilty. We're human we make mistakes!! 

You give me a choice of a affair once a year or a alcoholic, gambler, drug head, I'll take the one night stand once a year....."Yeah I know I'm in the minority!!" Go to Europe for all of the Americans on the board your eyes will be blown away how "easy going" marriages are over there!!

We're all different that's what makes the world a great and not so great place!! FWIW, my wife disagrees 100% with my viewpoint. She thinks I'm crazy too!! I always joke with her and say "If long dong Hong is on a business trip with you and things get crazy don't come home telling me about it!!" fwiw....my wife like 99% of the women here would want to know too


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> 1. Do you want to know when your husband masturbates? When he watches porn? When he cracks jokes with the "buds" about hot chicks? Do you really want to know that? "Yeah, honey, I whacked off today looked at a little porn, just wanted to let you know and to be honest I do it all the time always have!!" It's happening I work with guys it's happening!! Unless you have deep deep religious convictions I know of NO guy who doesn't who is under 50!!


I have watched porn before, but it's been many years. I just don't find it appealing to watch. I'd rather do things with my wife. Even the times she's not in the mood, shes willing to either help me out, or be there and show me her body, etc. I know I am a very lucky man in that my wife is adventurous and willing to try different things and it keeps our sex life very varied. I don't personally have a problem with porn, but it just doesn't do anything for me. I also have helped my wife along on those very rare occasions I am not willing or wanting sex.

As far as what we guys say? My wife knows everything, I even say those things around her (and she with me). Some of our funniest conversations are one of us retelling what one of our friends told us. I enjoy getting little glimpses into what women say together. And I know she enjoys seeing what us guys say.



OhGeesh said:


> 2. People lie and hide every single day and don't tell their spouse, but no one owns up or cares about the minute fibs that are told. If you screwed up and had a physical affair let alone a EA which seems to carry just as much weight WTF? You have to tell or you a fake, pos, liar, fake marriage, etc etc. In the end it's another mistake just bigger than the others. For all of the "religious" people Jesus blood forgives the same little white lie or capital murder how many chistians like to believe that?


I am a Christian and yes, God forgives and so should we. But we should still be honest. When you marry your spouse in my mind you become one. Lying to your spouse is like lying to yourself. Your spouse deserves no less then 100% honesty in all things. Regardless if the truth hurts, your spouse deserves that honesty. Any relationship that is built upon lies is a doomed relationship.



OhGeesh said:


> 3. Reality vs Principle again how is the marriage hurt if he doesn't tell? Assuming he can just forget "time will help him forget!!" and he is being awesome trying his butt off how does the marriage suffer? It only suffers if she finds out? All this is assuming he lives his life no different than he normally would.


Because issues like this pop up. What happens if his mistress does show up at his house not today but in 2 years? What would happen if he accidentally let it slip 5 years in the future? Lies have a way of generally catching up to us in the end. Call it God, call it Karma, Fate, whatever you call it it generally always catches up with us.



OhGeesh said:


> 4. More principle vs reality how many who have been unfortunate enough to have a cheating spouse say "That is the best thing that ever happened I'm so glad I found out about it!! Marriage is better now then ever!!" Some may say this, but pride aside often the life would have been better had nothing ever been known! That is a fact!!


If you want to live your life with a lie that's your prerogative OhGeesh. We are all individuals with different opinions that don't always line up. The poster asked what our opinions were and we all gave them (hopefully truthfully).



OhGeesh said:


> To say the OP doesn't have a marriage is throwing the baby out with the bathwater 100% !! Of course he doesn't want to tell her!!


Do you know why he doesn't want to tell her? He knows what he did is wrong. Again as I said before in my opinion a marriage has to have absolute trust. Having a lie this big is not allowing a marriage to have trust.



OhGeesh said:


> So, it's a simple choice risk/reward? 50 years from now if she never finds out will her life be better? HEll YES IT WILL assuming he can handle the stress.......of his secret. Which many guys easily can because like I've stated before many affairs for men are meaningless guys/girls are wired different.


I agree we are wired different. But, we are not simple animals living on instinct alone, we have (evolved/been given) a conscience. We have the ability to overcome our base animal instincts. No one forces you to get married. If you feel you want to have multiple sex partners, he no problem, don't get married (or marry someone who is open to multiple partners). By marrying someone (only in a monogamous relationship) you are agreeing to not have sex with anyone else. You CHOSE to make that choice and you should live by it.



OhGeesh said:


> Go to Europe for all of the Americans on the board your eyes will be blown away how "easy going" marriages are over there!!


Again, if both parties are agreed to have multiple partners, no harm, no foul. But if both partners are not in agreement then it is a big problem. If having multiple partners is so important to someone they should only marry someone who is like minded in that respect.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OhGeesh said:


> You give me a choice of a affair once a year or a alcoholic, gambler, drug head, I'll take the one night stand once a year....."Yeah I know I'm in the minority!!" Go to Europe for all of the Americans on the board your eyes will be blown away how "easy going" marriages are over there!!


Using European marriages as an example for justifying infidelity means nothing. I am sure there are Europeans bothered by it as much as Americans are.

And I do not get what you are trying to say--as if the choices are occasional infidelity vs boozing or drugging?

How about choosing to not have any of that crap in my life at all?

You can keep that trifecta. I don't want it.

Your contrasting of "reality" versus principled decionmaking is really a choice between situational expedience and principled living.

Translation: selfishness vs marriage vows.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

We're all different Crypsys I don't disagree with anything you have said btw. You must know you are in the minority by a huge margin!!

Crypsys while I agree you are right we should be honest not everyone is a practicing christian and many only play the game on the serious issues like this, but when it comes to pride, humility, debauchery, overweight, porn, smoking, drinking, it's "Ah...that's not that bad"

In the end Jesus forgives all and all sin seperates from God no matter how small or how large and his blood still forgives each and every one!!

I'm not assuming the OP is a christian, so I'm not going there!! If he wants a christian answer I'll give him one. 

In all honesty he's probably being a better husband now then ever because he feels like crap!!


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Crypsys while I agree you are right we should be honest not everyone is a practicing christian and many only play the game on the serious issues like this, but when it comes to pride, humility, debauchery, overweight, porn, smoking, drinking, it's "Ah...that's not that bad"


Even not being a Christian there are still rights and wrongs. I mean if you cheat on a spouse that is deliberately going against and agreement you made with the other person. You are breaking a contract and trust. So even taking religion totally out of the picture with the example it's still not right to break another persons trust. I don't know of any socially acceptable moral code that says it's okay to lie/cheat on your spouse. Again, even with people who have open marriages sleeping with another person it is not lying/cheating because it's been accepted by both parties. My issue here isn't that someone has sex outside of marriage. My issue is that in cases like this they are breaking a covenant and trust of a spouse. 



OhGeesh said:


> In the end Jesus forgives all and all sin seperates from God no matter how small or how large and his blood still forgives each and every one!!


I totally agree with you here. From the murderer, adulterer, prideful, glutton we all are Gods loved children. And as children do we hurt one another, disappoint our parents, etc. 

I'm not saying adultery can never be forgiven. But how can his wife forgive if she never knows? 



OhGeesh said:


> In all honesty he's probably being a better husband now then ever because he feels like crap!!


Possibly, yes. But he can be an even better person by telling his wife IMO.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

Crypsys, I agree with everything you've said. You've made very clear points and I agree with you. Even not being a christan, when you get married, you take vows. Vows to be with each other and that's it, granted if you have an open relationship and things of that nature, where it is known on each side the relationship isn't monogamous that's a different story. But I don't think that you have a real marriage, if you're lying about something, especially with something that would break the richter scale. As for fibbing, yes, sometimes we do, but we don't aspire to do it. That's like saying "He who aspires to lie, is quite alright." And that's just a false statement.

Cheating is an issue that should be addressed between the couple. So they can work it out from there. And that's that. This whole hiding it to save your own skin thing is childish and very selfish. If you were man enough to do the act, man up and tell the truth. Everything has a consequence.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I never said I condoned what he did.


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