# Husband dictates when arguments are over



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I really just need to rant here tonight. My husband drives me NUTS, no matter what happens, whether it be an argument or just him being an ass, he always dictates when it's time for me to shut up. Tonight for example, he asked me to bring a drink into our daughter, I was busy and asked if he could run one up to her. He does, then comes back and gets angry with me because he is tired. I'm tired too. He says whenever we are both tired he is ALWAYS the one who has to concede and get up. 

First of all, that's BULL****. I'm pregnant, have a 7 year old with ADHD, and a 1 year old who hasn't slept since the day he was born. I'm always the one responsible to take care of him through the night and am up almost every night. I'm LUCKY if I get 3 or 4 hours in a night. LUCKY. And I do more than my fare share of household duties.

Whenever he is irritated with me he jumps from the one incident and extrapolates it. If he changes more diapers than me one day he will GUARANTEED say to me later that he always does all the diaper changes.

Then after my feelings were hurt I get a few minutes to try and talk with him then he just looks at me and says drop it. If I say I don't want to because I'm not done talking, he then proceeds to tell me that I talk about stuff too much and can't let things go.

Trust me, if I couldn't let things go, I wouldn't still be married to his ass.

Thanks for letting me rant. He's playing video games and I'm not allowed to talk about it anymore.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How about you pull his nonsense on him. When he starts to talk, you tell him that you don't want to talk about it and walk away. Don't let him set you up to be dismissed this way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Manchester said:


> Why the heck did you have another child???


This is not helpful.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How about you pull his nonsense on him. When he starts to talk, you tell him that you don't want to talk about it and walk away. Don't let him set you up to be dismissed this way.


Oh I shall. I'm too old for this childish crap anymore.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have your purse and keys sitting next to the door. Do not have your phone with you. Have it on a charger with the ringer on somewhere in the house. When husband arrives home from work, be dressed cute, make up done etc.

"As you know we have been dealing with a serious ongoing problem in our marriage. I understand that from you perspective, there is no point continuing any problem solving conversations. You get to say anything and everything you want, yet then tell me to get over it and not discuss it. As your wife, and the mother of your three children it is time that you show me the respect I deserve. If you want me to continue to hear out your side of things, you will absolutely do the same for me. Should you choose to continue to treat me like I have no value, I will be arranging to change our circumstances so that you never need to hear my side of anything again. That's all I have to say right now. This is the only and final warning I will be giving you. Take your time to process it clearly. The future happiness of our family is in your hands. I hope you decide to make good choices on how you will treat me from now on." 

Walk toward the door. Look back and say, "I'm leaving now. Watch the kids." Then leave. Stay gone a few hours. He will try blowing up your phone, but will quickly see you don't have it. This gives him time to think about what you have said, and the fact that you are going to make a believer out of him.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Manchester said:


> If you always walk away when he wants to talk how will you solve any problems?


That's part of the problem though. If he decides he wants to talk now, he will end up telling me.to drop it again in 2 minutes flat. I can't count the number of times he says "talk to me babe, what's wrong?" followed by him getting irritated and telling me to "give it up". 

Some days he is childish as ****ing hell.....


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Have your purse and keys sitting next to the door. Do not have your phone with you. Have it on a charger with the ringer on somewhere in the house. When husband arrives home from work, be dressed cute, make up done etc.
> 
> "As you know we have been dealing with a serious ongoing problem in our marriage. I understand that from you perspective, there is no point continuing any problem solving conversations. You get to say anything and everything you want, yet then tell me to get over it and not discuss it. As your wife, and the mother of your three children it is time that you show me the respect I deserve. If you want me to continue to hear out your side of things, you will absolutely do the same for me. Should you choose to continue to treat me like I have no value, I will be arranging to change our circumstances so that you never need to hear my side of anything again. That's all I have to say right now. This is the only and final warning I will be giving you. Take your time to process it clearly. The future happiness of our family is in your hands. I hope you decide to make good choices on how you will treat me from now on."
> 
> Walk toward the door. Look back and say, "I'm leaving now. Watch the kids." Then leave. Stay gone a few hours. He will try blowing up your phone, but will quickly see you don't have it. This gives him time to think about what you have said, and the fact that you are going to make a believer out of him.


Wow! Your incredible with your words! I try to be but I guess it's not clear enough to get through his thick head sometimes :s. I should say something along the lines of this though, it's brilliant.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Manchester said:


> Can you live like this for another 50 years?


Speaking honestly?

Yeah I could. Though I'm never going to tell him that 

He drives me crazy, but that's only one part of him. I wouldnt dream of leaving him over it though. Can't throw away ten years because of this issue. I knew what he was like when I married him and he is RIDICULOUSLY SLOWLY working on himself. 

For me, marriage is for life. When one thing stops working, you sort it out. May take sometime sure, but I know I'll get through to him eventually. 

He's just a hard headed bastard that I love.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Saibasu said:


> Speaking honestly?
> 
> Yeah I could. Though I'm never going to tell him that
> 
> ...


Hey Saibasu,
yes I understand what you are going through I had a father like that and my mother was like you! She will never leave him because she loved him.
Eventually me and my 2 siblings grew up and both my brother and sister dont speak to my father, and blame my mother for not leaving him. I have accepted it and talk to both but resent both too.
Is that what you are looking for, for your kids?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> I really just need to rant here tonight. My husband drives me NUTS, no matter what happens, whether it be an argument or just him being an ass, he always dictates when it's time for me to shut up. Tonight for example, he asked me to bring a drink into our daughter, I was busy and asked if he could run one up to her. He does, then comes back and gets angry with me because he is tired. I'm tired too. He says whenever we are both tired he is ALWAYS the one who has to concede and get up.
> 
> First of all, that's BULL****. I'm pregnant, have a 7 year old with ADHD, and a 1 year old who hasn't slept since the day he was born. I'm always the one responsible to take care of him through the night and am up almost every night. I'm LUCKY if I get 3 or 4 hours in a night. LUCKY. And I do more than my fare share of household duties.
> 
> ...



When you are on better terms, sit him down and tell him the long term consequences of his actions.
1. The kids will eventually grow up and not need you
2. You will have much more free time, might even get a job, etc and be more independent, no longer tied to the house with kids
3. If you keep stuffing these issues, it will eventually lead to resentment
4. Resentment will rear its ugly head many years down the road and when you have more power in the relationship you will use it
5. It could end up in the end of the marriage, a woman will forgive but never forgets. The emotional overdraft he is creating now will be to his detriment in the future when he needs some emotional deposit in the bank, for the bigger ****-ups. He won't have any credit.
6. He sounds immature, keeping count of diaper changes, etc.

Tell him this calmly and then get up and walk away, no further discussion. Let him think on it.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Hey Saibasu,
> yes I understand what you are going through I had a father like that and my mother was like you! She will never leave him because she loved him.
> Eventually me and my 2 siblings grew up and both my brother and sister dont speak to my father, and blame my mother for not leaving him. I have accepted it and talk to both but resent both too.
> Is that what you are looking for, for your kids?


Yes. That's what I want for my kids. For them to resent us.

Seriously though, he is working on himself. It's slow going but I won't discredit the work he has put into bettering himself. He was worse before and is working on his issues.

No one is perfect, I'm no exception. He loves me and our children and puts effort in despite its slow to change nature. And our children are never privy to our issues.

Is he childish? Abso-****ing-lutely. But less than before. We are pretty damn young so I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

But I get what your saying all the same.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Have you tried NOT asking him to do anything? I mean, what's the point if all he's going to do is turn the tables and snap on your for doing so. You can't control his response, but you can control instigating his response. Don't give him an opportunity to turn that ONE diaper he changed into EVERY diaper. My suggestion isn't a long term fix, no, but it will give you a bit more power. There's a power struggle going on here and sometimes, it's better to just do everything yourself. Then you won't have anyone dumping on your for this/that. I guess I don't see the point in putting myself in a position to get snapped at in the first place. Maybe this will give you some peace while you collect your thoughts and figure out what you want to do next? Either way, it might be worth a try. A change in dynamic is needed here.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

aine said:


> When you are on better terms, sit him down and tell him the long term consequences of his actions.
> 1. The kids will eventually grow up and not need you
> 2. You will have much more free time, might even get a job, etc and be more independent, no longer tied to the house with kids
> 3. If you keep stuffing these issues, it will eventually lead to resentment
> ...


These are wise words. There already is some resentment I will admit but he is improving. I'm no angel either that's for damn sure, but he definitely needs to grow up some more and is slowly working on it.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Have you tried NOT asking him to do anything? I mean, what's the point if all he's going to do is turn the tables and snap on your for doing so. You can't control his response, but you can control instigating his response. Don't give him an opportunity to turn that ONE diaper he changed into EVERY diaper. My suggestion isn't a long term fix, no, but it will give you a bit more power. There's a power struggle going on here and sometimes, it's better to just do everything yourself. Then you won't have anyone dumping on your for this/that. I guess I don't see the point in putting myself in a position to get snapped at in the first place. Maybe this will give you some peace while you collect your thoughts and figure out what you want to do next? Either way, it might be worth a try. A change in dynamic is needed here.


I agree. There is definitely a power struggle here and lord knows I could do with some respit from the madness.

Maybe for the short run it would be worth it, give him no reason to get snotty and when he does shut him down quick.

But long term no way, he's either in it with me 100% or 0% .


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> I agree. There is definitely a power struggle here and lord knows I could do with some respit from the madness.
> 
> Maybe for the short run it would be worth it, give him no reason to get snotty and when he does shut him down quick.
> 
> But long term no way, he's either in it with me 100% or 0% .


Just to clarify, I'm not talking about walking on eggshells so you don't "start" a fight. No, no. I'm talking about doing everything your damn self. As far as you're concerned, he's just a household decor item. Temporarily. Sometimes, men don't like to be asked and as women we're not always aware of how we ask... Sometimes the ask ends up being more like a tell which doesn't benefit anyone.

I just think this approach will give you that respite.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Saibasu said:


> We are pretty damn young so I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
> 
> But I get what your saying all the same.


Just curious how old are you guys?


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Just curious how old are you guys?


I'm 26, he's 28. Been together since we were teenagers. Had my first child when I was still a teen. So we had to grow up hard and quick. That being said he stood by me through it all. 10 years later we are still together and married going on 5 years. 

Never really got to have normal teen years yah know?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Saibasu said:


> I agree. There is definitely a power struggle here and lord knows I could do with some respit from the madness.
> 
> Maybe for the short run it would be worth it, give him no reason to get snotty and when he does shut him down quick.
> 
> But long term no way, he's either in it with me 100% or 0% .


There is a problem with the suggestion that you do 100%. You have 2 children, one with AD/HD and are 7 months pregnant. You will have a new born soon. It's completely unreasonable that you do 100%. You probably cannot do 100% and keep your sanity. 

What's the point of having a partner if you do 100%????


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Saibasu said:


> Never really got to have normal teen years yah know?


Yeah I know. I have a different issue here, but I totally get ti when you say you never had your teen years. What do you miss the most about growing up so fast?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> Oh I shall. I'm too old for this childish crap anymore.


While it may feel vindicating, using negativity doesn't solve problems.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Have you tried NOT asking him to do anything? I mean, what's the point if all he's going to do is turn the tables and snap on your for doing so. You can't control his response, but you can control instigating his response. Don't give him an opportunity to turn that ONE diaper he changed into EVERY diaper. My suggestion isn't a long term fix, no, but it will give you a bit more power. There's a power struggle going on here and sometimes, it's better to just do everything yourself. Then you won't have anyone dumping on your for this/that. I guess I don't see the point in putting myself in a position to get snapped at in the first place. Maybe this will give you some peace while you collect your thoughts and figure out what you want to do next? Either way, it might be worth a try. A change in dynamic is needed here.


The hardest lesson one can learn in a relationship is that conflict has to exist. We (humans) react to the relational dynamics. It is very easy for the common person to adapt to the new structure. What I mean is that anything he does outside of diapers will still elicit the "omg, I do everything" response. Instead of pulling away, OP has to push forward some. His negativity exists because it is being validated and taken. He is sending a signal to her and it is working. Generally speaking, it is likely that a renegotiation of the marital (relational) contract is warranted. Change what can be changed. Cope with what has to be coped with. The individual also has the choice to stay or go based on the new terms.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’ve been thinking about this and have another idea for you to try.

You are right that there is a power struggle in your marriage. That struggle cannot exist unless both of you play it. One way to end the struggle is for one of you to just stop it.

You are doing what so many people do (yes I’ve done it too). When your husband tells you that he’s tired, or that he is so put upon or whatever, you argue back. You try to explain your point of view. Just stop it. He wants to be heard. From what you say, he sounds pretty childish. But what’s is the point of arguing with him and trying to stick up for yourself?

Instead refuse to enter into the argument and power struggle. Just look at him and tell him something like, “I know you are tired. I really appreciate all your help around here.” It’s called active listening. And it ends the power struggle. 


Try it for a week. I think you will find that it completely stops all this that drives you nuts. You might even find the he starts complaining less because he is being heard and appreciated by you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> Wow! Your incredible with your words! I try to be but I guess it's not clear enough to get through his thick head sometimes :s. I should say something along the lines of this though, it's brilliant.


You are very kind. I just have learned in life that I react better and can articulate my feelings if I have really thought out what I can say ahead of time. Not all situactions allow for this, as some times we get caught off guard of course. In your case this should be easy, as it sounds like it comes up often. Take the time now to figure out what you want to say in your own words, and then be ready. He won't know what hit him, and I guarntee you will have his full attention. I like to try to make it so that it is conscise and firm, and has a call to action. All of those things while still showing respect to the other person I am talking too. 

You can do this honey. And if he wants it, you can have a much better future together as a family.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Kids will eventually grow up, not need you!!


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