# Husband going to pub after work



## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I just wanted the opinion of others on this.

My husband started a new job in February on a construction site. A few nights a week they all go to the pub after work for a few beers. He usually gets home about 5. I have so many issues with this.

Firstly,I don't like my husband going to the pub at all. He had an affair a few years ago with a woman he met at the pub. I'm not even convinced he is at the pub, he could be anywhere. When he was having his affair they used to meet after he finished work. 

I have told him why I don't want him to go but he thinks I am making a big deal about nothing. He says he has to go because his boss goes and he wants to make a good impression. He said a few guys got sacked on Friday because they didn't socialise.
He doesn't even text to say he will be home.

He does say he loves me and is so happy with our lives but this issue is making me unhappy.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

> Firstly,I don't like my husband going to the pub at all. He had an affair a few years ago with a woman he met at the pub. I'm not even convinced he is at the pub, he could be anywhere. When he was having his affair they used to meet after he finished work.


I truly understand your feelings, .... he could be anywhere, pub or worse, going with a woman he met at the pub because of his past, 'affair.' 

If I were you, I truthfully tell him about your uneasy feelings about his whereabouts after the work and ASK him either you call him or he calls you after the work. 

Also, there are some of those women are so aggressive to lure men ignoring married or bachelor, then it can NOT be put all blames on your husband, particularly if he's type of nice and easy towards women. Best thing is talk over the phone, ... even a couple of second 'I love you' and the like that hopefully alliviate your suspicous and uneasy feelings. 

One thing is any rough job, such as construction job which needs a lot of physical stamina unlike desk-job, not only your husband but his boss along with his co-workers need 'relaxed feeling' which might be similar to 'muscle relaxtant.' Your husband's quote, he needs to socialize, might be not false explanation. 

First of all, talk with your husband about your true feelings and both sides of stories, you and your husband. Through the experience in marriage which has been 'up and down' like any other couples, .... talk is best solution. However, he does not cooperate with you about your uneasy-feelings, then you might be better to find a competent marriage counselor who would give you an advice on this issue. 

Keep posting how things going on.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Well if he really HAD to to keep his job then he should at least be doing his best to make you feel at ease about it. That would mean calling you to let you know, checking in with you, making sure you can check in with him, etc etc.

Sounds like he's not really interested in putting you at ease, which is pretty important given the past history. If he's not doing those things he's probably got feelings of resentment, which isn't going to help the situation either.

When you talk, focus more on I feel statements and try not to do any blaming or condescension.

"I feel hurt and distrustful when you go to the bar. It makes me feel betrayed when you don't call me and let me know what's going on"

This is much better than

"You don't care about me you just want to get drunk"

At the end of the day, you will have to decide where your line is, what you will accept, and then be ready to leave if your interests are conflicting.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Is there a happy middle you two could reach where he could go to the pub but make you comfortable about it? 

People in general don't like to be told they can't do something. They typically will want to do it more. 

Communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Maintain an open line of dialogue with him on the matter. Use "I" statements when you're talking with him about it. Acknowledge that you understand why it's important to him. 

I think you will find he'll be more apt to work with you when he sees you doing the same.


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## stuckagain (Oct 27, 2013)

my grandmother had the same thing happen to her, and my grandfather left her for another woman and became an alcoholic.
Id tell him if he loves you, hed never go to the pub, or do anything again that made you feel badly. after all why would someone who loves you want to make you feel bad? whats more important, his pub, or his loving wife?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anastasia72 said:


> I just wanted the opinion of others on this.
> 
> My husband started a new job in February on a construction site. A few nights a week they all go to the pub after work for a few beers. He usually gets home about 5. I have so many issues with this.
> 
> ...


He is taking the long way home as the song goes. A lot of guys do this. My father did this so often he became the bartender. 

Anyway, IMO this is too often. If the roles were reversed I would say the same thing. It is one thing to once a week have a beer or two and come on home. Do you have this much money? Wow.

Anyway with his history especially this should not be on the menu. Getting home aty 5 is not so bad. It is a slippery slope. Does he have a drinking problem?

When do you guys spend time together?


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I have told him how I feel about him going to the pub.

I have asked him to text me and he says he will but he doesn't . 
He says I get angry when he texts and angry when he doesn't so why bother. He finishes work at 3 so has a few hours at the pub. He has told me that he is definitely going to the pub Wednesday and Friday, but will often go Thursday and Saturday.

The other thing that bothers me is he is drinking way to much. He should not be driving home. He also drinks a couple when he gets home, acts like a idiot and falls asleep on the couch.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I think that I can see this one from both sides.

Your Husband thinks he is just getting along with the "guys" drive from the site to the pub a couple of nights a week, nurse a couple of beers just to be seen to be sociable for an hour then drive home to you. When he gets in the door you are giving him "grief" so he gets in a sulk, has a couple more beers and sleeps on the sofa. Not much fun for him.

From your side he is spending time and money on behavior that you consider (with good cause given his history) to be detrimental to your marriage and he does not appear willing to change. Not much fun for you.

The only way to reduce the damage this does to your relationship is to communicate effectively with each other, if you cannot manage this between you then try to find a mediator / councilor to help you.

N.B. I have had jobs in the past were going for a few drinks together after work was the right thing to do and those who did not would lose out on overtime / bonuses when times were good or jobs when time were bad. I would go along but normally had soft drinks easier to do then as I was often "in training" for some sporting event or another.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

> I think that I can see this one from both sides.
> Your Husband thinks he is just getting along with the "guys" drive from the site to the pub a couple of nights a week, nurse a couple of beers just to be seen to be sociable for an hour then drive home to you. When he gets in the door you are giving him "grief" so he gets in a sulk, has a couple more beers and sleeps on the sofa. Not much fun for him.


I, too look at that way, the above. Because, some of jobs need 'socialize' to work done good. Your husband job, construction is one of those because of physical energy, not brain job. Like some of those actors and actresses involve is, I think because of their profession, needs to be 'sexy' in order to pursue their careers. 

Since you already married a man whose job is not to change, only thing you need to do is 'try to understand' your husband's need, even though it's VERY tough for you to do due to his past histroy, affair with pub lady. You might be better to marry a guy with brain job who does not need 'socialize' after the work, but it's too late now. 

Try to find a good counselor who has expertise on this issue. Don't ask any of friends or good relative to solve this issue, because those are one-sided opinion and advice. It's useless to ask first off. Need a person who is able to listen both sides, you and your husband.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Once every so often fine. 2 to 3 times a week, not fine - particularly in view of his history.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I really could never figure out why a man would rather hang out in a smelly pub everyday after work than go home to a hot cooked meal and the warm arms of his wife and kids.

Maybe it's something deeper, I don't know.

That is one of life's greatest mysteries , to me.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Next time he goes don't say anything, don't wait for him, don't have dinner ready and if possible don't be home. When you see him dont be mad. He feels important being abig boy and being missed. 
Don't feed the thrill and he will drop the game. This is assuming he's not cheating. Read "why men marry b1tches".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I have been going to a psychologist since he had his affair and did talk to her about this. She told me that as long as he texts me to let me know where he is, that I should trust him. I told him to text but he still doesn't. Today he got home earlier than usual (4.30) so I said "wow you didn't go to the pub for long" and he just said yeh. Then at 5.30 he said I'm starving, I didn't have a lunch break today. So that means he worked through lunch and finished at 2. So he had been at the pub for longer than usual. So I really have no idea how often he goes or what else he forgets to tell me. 
I am over it, I don't care most of the time. I will just do what I want to do without telling him


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Has he done any work on himself and the marriage since his affair?
You're going to personal counselling.
What has he done to take responsibility for his part in the affair and to fix it , to make it better for you?


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Yes, I agree the responser, above. First off, you and your husband need to fix the affairs he had in the past. Otherwise, you are always suspicious his whereabouts, and what he's up to. 

Counselor is a good start to make the marriage repair, but I feel that you and your husband needs to sit and talk, .. how you feel and why he likes to go the pub for beer. Otherwise, I seriously doubt counselling has positive effect on your marriage.

Talk is a best approach once coming to the affair in general, ... it's my opinion. 

I had similar experience, not bar, but my husband with many years got warm feelings towards widow who lost husband one and a half years ago. When I heard his talk with her on the phone in the midst of dinner-time, I got really furious and angry. The next day, I confronted him, but he denied it. However, he gradually got a good sense not worth to destroy the marriage by making me angry and suspicious. Destroying or damaging the marriage is first off never a wise thing to do, ... split assets and so on. It's a big mess. Is it worth? Think about it? 

In my opinion, express your true feelings and listen to his feelings also. You and your husband needs a good, heart-to-heart talk in order to resolve the issue you've been having. Texting or phone would help, but your suspicion is always there because of his history compounded with his current behaviour.

Try to talk with your husband before doing anything else.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Anastasia72 said:


> I have been going to a psychologist since he had his affair and did talk to her about this. She told me that as long as he texts me to let me know where he is, that I should trust him. I told him to text but he still doesn't. Today he got home earlier than usual (4.30) so I said "wow you didn't go to the pub for long" and he just said yeh. Then at 5.30 he said I'm starving, I didn't have a lunch break today. So that means he worked through lunch and finished at 2. So he had been at the pub for longer than usual. So I really have no idea how often he goes or what else he forgets to tell me.
> I am over it, I don't care most of the time. I will just do what I want to do without telling him


Your counselor is an idiot. Find a new one. Most suck when it comes to dealing with infidelity.


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

Would it help you at all if he sent you a quick text or call while he's there? I know men dont' generally like to do that when they are hanging with the guys but it only takes a few seconds to say "hey honey, i love you be home soon". 

When my bf is out with his buddies, I'm not worried about anything but he always keeps in touch with me via a quick text. I love it and makes me feel a bond with him even though we are not together (we live an hour apart so don't see each other much). If a man takes the time to text you then you know he's thinking about you and only you


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Issue #1 - He cheated
Issue #2 - No respect for your feelings or attempts to make you feel better
Issue #3 - Drinks multiple times a week, to the point of impairment, then drives home
Issue #4 - Comes home after these episodes and then drinks some more until passing out

So it looks like your husband isn't really your problem, your problem is you. Why are you staying with an alcoholic who habitually displays a lack of respect for you and is not trustworthy and has no integrity?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

How much money is he spending going to the pub 4 times a week? Good grief. At this point, it's on you. You have to make him realize his behavior is not ok. You have already talked to him, now what do you want to do next to SHOW him that he needs to knock this mess off?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I really could never figure out why a man would rather hang out in a smelly pub everyday after work than go home to a hot cooked meal and the warm arms of his wife and kids.
> 
> Maybe it's something deeper, I don't know.
> 
> That is one of life's greatest mysteries , to me.


Maybe the arms aren't so warm when he comes home.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

To me, there is no way I would be OK with this. No way at all.

*He had an affair that started in a bar!* It is NOT ok for him to be hanging out in a bar without me except for very specific instances and there would need to be a game plan, like frequent texting/checking in. 

I strongly suspect that either your guy doesn't believe that you would leave him, or he doesn't care, or else there is no way he would be so reckless and cavalier about this. 

Take heart, OP, and take the strongest, clearest look you can. What is he showing you? Of course he is happy with things! He gets whatever he wants. If you are unhappy it is up to you to draw your boundaries and protect yourself. I would be unhappy too and I think your unhappiness is completely appropriate.

BTW I agree that you need to fire your therapist. There is no way in hell you should trust your husband in a bar given his prior history of cheating in bars!


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Anastasia72 said:


> I just wanted the opinion of others on this.
> 
> My husband started a new job in February on a construction site. A few nights a week they all go to the pub after work for a few beers. He usually gets home about 5. I have so many issues with this.
> 
> ...


Given that he has had a prior affair, your request is more than reasonable. 

He should be willing to do this on his own, without being forced by you. He should understand why you are not comfortable with him going to the pub.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think you catch more flys with honey. Why not show up at the pub sometimes and be the cool wife?


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