# 3 years married. Already sexless life.



## AngelinaJ (Jul 16, 2019)

Like the title says, I am 28 and he is 35. We have been together for 5 years and already can spend 2 months without sex. I dont miss doing it with him as I never have an orgasm, and seems like he doesnt care either. But other aspects in our life is great, like, 90% of the marriage is good. Any advices? Is it normal?


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## AngelinaJ (Jul 16, 2019)

I forgot to mention, we dont have any kids.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If you don't have kids, I might just call it quits after telling him to improve or you're leaving.

If you are healthy physically, you will be going out of your mind soon if you aren't already.

Has he always been a dud in the sack, unable or willing to push you to climax?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AngelinaJ said:


> I forgot to mention, we dont have any kids.


Thank you. Run, don't walk is my advice unless he can work to get over being a limp noodle.


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## AngelinaJ (Jul 16, 2019)

Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

AngelinaJ said:


> Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lady enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?


I think, figuring out if it's a problem or not, you might need to look at your past. Would it have been an issue with prior relationships? If so, that might resurface in the future. Have you asked why he doesn't desire sex more often? 

Theoretically, you could both be LD and a nice match. But in practice, LD often masks other issues.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

AngelinaJ said:


> Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?


Why are you asking us... complete strangers... if it's a problem?

Is it?

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think being 90 percent happy with your marriage is great.

Work on the other 10% and you will be fine.

Get creative with respect to marital sex. Talk it out.


KB-


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

AngelinaJ said:


> Like the title says, I am 28 and he is 35. We have been together for 5 years and already can spend 2 months without sex. *I dont miss doing it with him as I never have an orgasm*, and seems like he doesnt care either. But other aspects in our life is great, like, 90% of the marriage is good. Any advices? Is it normal?


What was your sexual appetite like in other relationships? Did you have orgasms? If you never really cared if you had sex and he doesn't care either, then it's not a problem. But if you would want and enjoy sex if he was more into it/satisfying, do you really want to sentence yourself to a sexually unfulfilling life?

Have you ever talked to him about this? Asked him how he feels about your love life and is he happy/content? Told him you're concerned?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AngelinaJ said:


> Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?


If you are both fine with what is happening, then I certainly don't see a problem.

I would go bat **** in a month but if both of you are happy with it, go with it.:smile2:


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I don't understand. If you're both ok with the way things are, why are you here?


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## AngelinaJ (Jul 16, 2019)

Well guys, I am here because people always say that married couple who have lots of sex are happier. I dont know, I just worry we are doing things the wrong way. Neither of us have been married before, that's why I am here asking if it would cause problems in the marriage.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

AngelinaJ said:


> Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?


I don't think it is a problem as long as you're both on the same page and not "less sexual" with each other than previous partners. That would be a sign that the romantic feelings are not there for each other. However, a good sex life can really enhance a marriage. Sex is very intimate.

I am like you in taking forever to orgasm and often "forever" means it's only going to happen every few months. But my guy and I have sex pretty much every day and sometimes multiple times and I love it, where in past relationships I could easily go a couple months without because the intimate connection just was not there. In my case, that was a bad sign because when happy I enjoy frequent sex.

If neither of you minds, it's probably nothing to worry about but I think you should talk to him and make sure you're on the same page. Is it possible he wanted more sex early on but pulled back due to your lack of interest? Is he concerned that as a couple you're not having sex often enough? There are low drive and high drive people, but it does seem abnormal for a couple as young as you to desire sex *so *infrequently unless there is a physical or emotional issue. You might ask your OBGYN dr.

There are supposed to be a lot of mental and physical health benefits to an active sex life.

You also might make sure you're having other types of intimate time together as a couple if sex is not your thing -- talking together, laughing together, etc.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

AngelinaJ said:


> ...that's why I am here asking if it would cause problems in the marriage.


Shouldn't cause problems if it's by mutual agreement.

Dude should have his testosterone checked though. Lotsa problems health wise with low T, other than just diminished sex drive.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Not to upset the applecart, but I'm wondering if y'all might benefit from sex therapy, since there are some questions? Personally, I think intimacy is enhanced by a satisfying sex life and I'm not thinking y'all's is satisfying.

Do you or y'all together ever use a vibrator to help with your responses? Do y'all communicate about this area of your marriage?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

AngelinaJ said:


> I dont miss doing it with him as I never have an orgasm, and seems like he doesnt care either.



Why does it seem like that? Maybe he misses it but won’t say anything.
No, it’s not normal. Unless you both are asexual (which I doubt) it will come and bite at least one of you in the ass.
You need to work on that. Practice makes perfect.



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Thank you. Run, don't walk is my advice unless he can work to get over being a limp noodle.



Why do you always assume it’s the guy’s fault if the woman can’t orgasm?
Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

AngelinaJ said:


> Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?



Not if both of you are ok with that. I’m just trying to find out how you can be sure that it doesn’t bother him (or you).
It may not bother you this moment but it might bother you over time. Likewise, he might say that it doesn’t bother him because he is conflict avoidant.
The reason you are asking the question in the first place is because you are unsure and have doubts. I think there are probably reasons you have doubts whether it’s normal. 

With age, you could become more comfortable with your body and it might become much easier for you to orgasm. This happens to a lot of women. Also the guy can last longer with age too.
Is he hitting the right spot during sex? Sometimes it’s as easy as finding the correct position. Not to be too graphic but every penis has a different shape and finding the right position to hit the g spot is very important.
Is he steady? Good at building up?
Do you trouble letting go of things? Does your mind keep racing when he goes down on you?
Role play/some BDSM is good as distracting the mind and focusing it on the moment.

Most importantly: are you both sexually attracted to each other? If you are, you’ll most likely find a way to enjoy each other sexually. Does sex still feel good for you even if you don’t orgasm?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing is....

You may be happy, he may be happy, ah more so, complacent.

You only know what you think, not what another thinks. 

If he is open and honest....OK. That is certainly possible.

Not having a wife that bugs him about sex may be what he wants. This happens, even with men. Some few are LD, low desire.

But most adults have secret feelings.

Just a thought......he may be self-satisfying with porn....secretly.
He certainly knows that you have a hard time orgasming, so he avoids that challenge by 'not' participating. This is lazy on his part or you have not helped him in learning 'how' to satisfy you.

This is where other techniques 'come' into play. 
As in, using his fingers, oral, sex toys, different positions, yadda and Mrs Yadda.

Men mainly need friction, applied properly. Women need properly applied pressure and motion and rythm. 

It is an art and a lot of work to get off 'some' men and women. It has to do with nerve endings being properly stimulated. And being in the proper mood, of course. Both sexes need to concentrate on what is going 'on' down there. That is hard for those that have not the patience or ability to concentrate. 

The man needs encouragement, so does the woman. Making love in places, not the marital bed is usually helpful.

If he is not complaining I would not worry. But, he should worry about you, in my opinion.

Earlier, I said that a marriage that is 90% good is admirable. I still think it is, this is me commenting on that missing 10%!!


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Cant say what’s normal... I would put money on porn or low T.

Most men look at their partner having an orgasm as a proof that they can satisfy their partner and get pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. Some men will take it very personally if you don’t/can’t (even if the issue is on her end). 

Not sure if the faking helps or hurts. Speaking for myself, a partner faking would be a huge breach of trust/honesty or more like “sexual perjury” to quote Seinfeld. It’d be like finding out your partner thinks your cooking is terrible after years of them being told it’s phenomenal.

All that aside, you can have a great 90% but that 10% makes a huge difference. A lot of chemical bonding occurs from sex. Men can become emotional detached the longer they go without sex.

It’s easy to say you’re really just friends and move on but you really need counseling to see if there’s anything else going on. If not, then you might be the perfect match.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

In my own opinion, if you are both "happy" with your current situation relating to sex - then there really is no problem.

Yeah, lots of articles out there say that more sex leads to a "happier" marriage - but I feel that this is not always the case.

It certain is the case where one spouse wants more sex and there are no real reasons present that would prevent more sex from happening.

It's not like you need to compete with everyone else out there and compare the amount of sex you have with "normal" people - it just does not matter as long as the BOTH OF YOU are happy with your current situation.


Now having said the above, lots of people do find sex to be fun and a 'connecting event' of some sort so if you are both happy but wanting to explore more, then there are various ways to change your current situation.

Good luck.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

AngelinaJ said:


> Well guys, I am here because people always say that married couple who have lots of sex are happier. I dont know, I just worry we are doing things the wrong way. Neither of us have been married before, that's why I am here asking if it would cause problems in the marriage.


The "typical" couple does seem to be happier with an active sex life. However, there ARE people who just don't need sex. It's not really on their radar. If you feel that way and your husband feels that way, then I don't see a problem. You don't HAVE to have tons of sex if neither of you really care just because "it's the norm."

Honestly, as someone who used to be married to a man who didn't care about sex, I am glad the two of you have each other. If you were married to a man who wanted sex all the time, you would feel pressured. If his wife was sex-crazy, he'd be miserable (and so would she).

You seem compatible to me. Don't worry about what other people say.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

AngelinaJ said:


> Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?


If both of you TRULY are LD, it’s not a problem. 

Faking orgasms is unacceptable IMO. Not only are orgasms fun for you, they are critical feedback to tell H whether he’s doing it right.

If it takes you “too long,” you can use a vibrator during or after sex. But by all means get your jollies.

How long is “too long”? I’d happily lick for 30 minutes if that’s what it takes. Is he performing oral on you? If not, he should be. If he’s not any good at it, you need to give him time and instruction to become good.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Do you or he WANT to be having more sex?

Mitigating factors? Body image, weight, depression? Drinking? Porn use?

Do you and your husband talk about sex?

From my perspective it's not an issue if it's not an issue. But at face value, presuming you have a normal libido for your age ... I'd be concerned about the viability of the relationship over the long term.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What does your husband have to say about the frequency of sex?

What is wrong with the 10% of your marriage that isn't good? 

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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

AngelinaJ said:


> Like the title says, I am 28 and he is 35. We have been together for 5 years and already can spend 2 months without sex. I dont miss doing it with him as I never have an orgasm, and seems like he doesnt care either. But other aspects in our life is great, like, 90% of the marriage is good. Any advices? Is it normal?





AngelinaJ said:


> Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?


Some people are making assumptions, but I would rather not, so I need more information. Specifics, if you please.

1. You don't miss sexual relations with him. Is that because you don't enjoy it? It may be unsatisfying without orgasm, but sex can still feel good and be enjoyable if you don't have one. So do you enjoy sex with him? Does it feel good?

2. You say you never have an orgasm and that's why you don't miss doing it with him, but I'm wondering if you have ever had an orgasm with someone other than your husband? You've never been married before, but that doesn't tell us whether or not you've ever had sex before. So, what I'm wondering is if you ever had an orgasm before him?

3. Your response to #2 will help me understand your statement about taking too long to orgasm? If you ever had an orgasm before, did it take you too long then also? Or were you able to climax more timely? 

Suggesting that maybe you guys might be doing something wrong makes me think you never had sex before. But your ages and other statements you made confuse me a little, so I don't know where you are on the experience spectrum. Help me out and respond to the above questions so I know if I/we can maybe help you obtain a better sex life.

I have two concerns regarding your statements, so that's why I'm hoping to get a clear understanding. One concern is that one or both of you are inexperienced. He doesn't know how to please you, and you don't know how to help him please you. Intercourse - just by it's nature of the in/out humping motions - isn't necessarily pleasing to a woman just because a man is humping on her. So, if you think sex should be fulfilling and satisfying just because you're having sex, then you're mistaken because that isn't necessarily the way it goes.

My other concern is that you're blaming yourself but if you're both rather inexperienced, then you might think your lack of orgasms or the length of time it takes for you to orgasm is all your fault. But it isn't. It just means you and he both need to learn how sex can be good for you, a woman, and how you have different requirements from a man's requirements. The humping causes friction, and that feels good to him, but it doesn't necessarily feel good to you because there isn't anything in your vagina that responds to friction. What you need to be pleasurable and bring you to climax is different from what he needs. 

3. It sounds like you gave up on sex the way a lot of unsatisfied women give up. There's nothing in it for them, so they prefer not to participate. At your husband's age, however, and already disinterested in sex makes me wonder if he has ever had much interest in sex. 

35 and never been married, 
married 3 years and already sexless,
and was never interested in frequent sex

I don't want to make any assumptions about your husband either, so you're going to have to talk with him. If that is too difficult or uncomfortable, you can talk with his doctor and the doc will discuss it with him. The two of you need to find a way to communicate about the sexual aspect of your marriage. You may be in love now and think that 90% of the marriage is great but in the not so distant future, you could easily, and probably will, find that 90% to be unbearable because the 10% failed so miserably. Some people are telling you to get out of the marriage rather than sentencing yourself to a lifetime of sexual unfulfillment. I married very young and recognized our sex life was unfulfilling for me. There were reasons for me to leave, but that was the main reason that I left. It doesn't sound important to you right now but might become the most important aspect of your marriage in no time at all. It also places you in the women's category for most likely to have an affair, something that may sound morally and religiously reprehensible to you, but you won't feel so appalled if the right circumstances present themselves. Years of unsatisfaction and years of convincing yourself it doesn't matter makes a woman very vulnerable. So, I'm suggesting you make every effort to fix this now while it's on your mind, even though your own dissatisfaction isn't what brought you here. You're a woman with womanly needs. There's nothing about that to be ashamed of, and there's nothing about that to ignore either.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

StarFires said:


> ...Years of unsatisfaction and years of convincing yourself it doesn't matter makes a woman very vulnerable. So, I'm suggesting you make every effort to fix this now while it's on your mind, even though your own dissatisfaction isn't what brought you here. You're a woman with womanly needs. There's nothing about that to be ashamed of, and there's nothing about that to ignore either.


This. And it applies 100% equally to the husband as well. It doesn't HAVE to be the case that this is likely, for it to matter. But if it was even a 20% possibility, wouldn't you want to try and be really certain? Think of it almost like insurance. You buy it not because you expect something to happen, but because it might, and whatever it is you're protecting, it's something that's important to you. Important enough to insure.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

AngelinaJ said:


> I dont miss doing it with him as I never have an orgasm, and seems like he doesnt care either.


 And you *CHOSE* to marry this selfish dud?

I don't get it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And you *CHOSE* to marry this selfish dud?
> 
> I don't get it.


Yeah, I'm kind of lost on this one.....


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I'm skeptical that a man could naturally be so uninterested. I'm sorry, but I suspect he's a porn user.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

AngelinaJ said:


> The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait.


He could sit behind you naked, kissing and holding you while you use a toy. You can cuddle and be intimate without intercourse.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

AngelinaJ said:


> Conan, maybe I didn't explain well. The fact of me not having an orgasm is mostly my fault who takes FOREVER to come and is lazy enough to wait. And I faked it so many times. The thing is, none of us care about doing it frequently. Is it a problem?


It is a problem that you fake orgasm. That is lying. Lying separates people rather than bringing them together. Sex is supposed to bond two people together, but if you are faking, that interferes with the bonding experience. It's not a good thing.

Faking says that you think you should be responding in a certain way, but you aren't. 

It is likely the reason you aren't interested in sex is that it is incomplete for you. If you are always left unfulfilled, it must get boring and feel like a chore. It could also have a negative impact on how you view your husband.

My recommendation is that you two start a ritual every Saturday, preferable morning. The idea is to set aside two hours to explore what feels good to you and what turns you on. Once you are satisfied, you move on to your husband and do the same thing, only this time it is more other focused for both of you. This should be fun, relaxing, and loving.


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## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

Lost interest in sex might be a symptom of depression and for males, it is a silent issue. They are not likely to show that they got any emotional problems. Did he change his behavior: talking less, not interested in people, lost hobby, change eating or sleeping habits?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Please don't fake it. Please don't.

It's bad for you and for him.

Either teach him how to please you or don't.

If he thinks he's pleasing you, he will be hurt to find out it hasn't been working for you and that you've been lying about it.

Get to know your body first. You are NOT lazy. You just need more time to climax. Maybe you need more foreplay, more direct stimulation or less. Maybe intercourse first or after. Heck, who knows but you? Find out. Pay attention to your body. 
Then find out together. More fun.

My personal advice is don't tell him you've been faking. It will set up mistrust in the bedroom from now on.
Put it down to personal growth and vow not to do it going forward.

As far as frequency, ASK him. Gosh. Work it out together. Don't believe what you read or hear. Find out what works for you. The only people's opinion that matters is yours and his together.


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