# Should I be worried?



## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Now i know this has been discussed time after time but I just need some advice from my point of view. My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4 we are both 28 and have a 2 yr old son. I would love to say every year has been great but we've had so many ups and downs I lose track of the good times. Now in the past three years, ive been in and out of hospitals because of some major health issues, and obviously i've missed out on a lot of work. She supported me through the majority of my illness but towards my recovery I slipped into a major depression. I was virtually emotionless for 3 months. By this i mean i actually stayed at my friends house and told her I just needed to be with friends. She was extremely upset and overly loving towards me during the time i didnt want it, she told me she only needed me and she didnt need to go out with friends. I never cheated on her and i never would but for obvious reasons she was a wreck. That was a year ago and i recovered and learned it was the medication that i was on that caused me to feel that way, because once i stopped it i went back to being very emotional towards her. 
Now we've never been the type that goes out to bars or drinks a lot, but lately ive noticed that shes been wanting to go. She will just send me a message saying I'm going out for a drink with so and so from work, yet that drink takes 2-3hrs. I know i am a jealous person, but only because our relationship isnt very physical. However, i try to express my concerns to her and she just lashes out at me calling me and ******* and shes been working her ass off while ive been sick and doing ****. She has friends that i know and trust, yet she only wants to go out with her work friends. I'm a cop and ive been turning down the guys for years at work because I just dont think its the right thing to do in a marriage. I hang out with mainly 2 people that shes known for our entire relationship and they are just as close as we are. However, its like when i try to bring up, well why dont you hang out with these people that i know, instead of people i've never met. I know it may sound unreasonable to an extent, but this is just the way i treat things. I have never gone out with a group of guys she didnt know. I just dont know what to do anymore. What do you guys think?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Post this in Coping with Infidelity forum. You'll get much more feedback there.


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## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

ok thanks


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Counseling needs to be brought up. Sounds like she is holding onto some serious resentment from when you shut her out, and distanced herself...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Post this in Coping with Infidelity forum. You'll get much more feedback there.


Why? :scratchhead: He's not coping with infidelity from his post.

She probably is harbouring resentment. Have you been able to really sit down and have a good discussion with her? She sounds like she wants to blow off some steam but she needs to realise how fast this can get out of control. If she's going out there with resentment, the easier it is for her to go down the path of an affair.

She may prefer her work friends because they aren't as emotionally involved with your issues as her other friends, or there may be someone she is connecting with.

I understand that you don't know these people. That would make any partner uncomfortable I would be the same. Can you organise a night where you can go out too so you can meet them? Talk to her about boundaries, she may not want to listen right now if she feels you've crossed some for her in the past, but tit for tat isn't going to keep you together. If you can't talk to each other about this, consider counselling. You've had a lot of issues to go through together and she has had to deal with a lot too, so find a way to keep you both together before it falls apart.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

What's with all of the partying wives all of a sudden? Spring is in the air so it's time to hit the clubs?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Gratitude said:


> Why? :scratchhead: He's not coping with infidelity from his post.


Maybe not right now, but I can just about guarantee he will be before long.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

MrK said:


> Maybe not right now, but I can just about guarantee he will be before long.


Maybe, but he's not right now so I think he should focus on the other issues going on, instead of only focusing on that what if road. Deal with why she's out as well as what she may or may not be up to.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She's out because she'd prefer to be in an environment with alcohol and other men that with her husband. It's simple, really. Let's not overanalyze this one.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

MrK said:


> She's out because she'd prefer to be in an environment with alcohol and other men that with her husband. It's simple, really. Let's not overanalyze this one.


Don't over simplify it either. His whole post is about how he was at his friends house for months while she looked after everything and worried about him. Now when he questions her going out she throws that back at him. Maybe she's cheating, maybe she isn't - the point is she's not going to come back home and talk to him about it until she deals with the resentment. I don't think she's just out for the booze and the men. She's avoiding the issues and he needs to bring them to a front before things get any worse. Either a proper discussion or counselling.


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## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> Don't over simplify it either. His whole post is about how he was at his friends house for months while she looked after everything and worried about him. Now when he questions her going out she throws that back at him. Maybe she's cheating, maybe she isn't - the point is she's not going to come back home and talk to him about it until she deals with the resentment. I don't think she's just out for the booze and the men. She's avoiding the issues and he needs to bring them to a front before things get any worse. Either a proper discussion or counselling.



Just to clarify a bit, my depression went on for 3 months, i really only spent like 7 days at my friends house in total because i felt guilty and would come home
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Gizmo04 said:


> Just to clarify a bit, my depression went on for 3 months, i really only spent like 7 days at my friends house in total because i felt guilty and would come home
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, sorry. Misinterpreted.

The fact that your wife when she is out and you complain about it, throws at you the past when she had to work and you didn't and calls you names means two things: a) she's using it as an excuse to keep doing what she's doing and justify it or b) is resentful and doing it to spite you. You don't know these work people, you don't know what they talk about or what she's telling them. What they're saying about you. It's dangerous territory. She may be blowing off steam and everythings innocent now, but it's a gateway for trouble down the road. At the end of the day, she is out there doing something you're not comforatable with. And she's getting angry at you for questioning her.

Is counselling an option for you? Maybe it will die down on it's own and she'll come around or maybe not. What you need to address is getting her to listen to you.


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## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Yea ive been thinking about bringing counseling up. Im gonna see what happens tonight because she told me she was going out for a drink after work and i expressed my concern in a loving manner through texting and she hasnt said anything about it since. So if she ignores me and goes out, im going to tell her that she doesnt care how i feel so we either try to fix it and seek counseling or i will not continue to go through with this and she needs to decide if she wants to be married. She always saying she would never cheat on me and i told her you know what if you never would you wouldnt have to keep telling me. Ill keep you guys updated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Giz,

How'd it go last night?

I see a number of issues going on here.

First and most important is that your wife does seem to have some resentment from what happened. Howevr, unless your physical issues were related to something you could have controlled (like an abuse issue) she shouldn't hold this against you. These issues where out of your control

Secondly, you have a young child at home. Why is she out partying?

Also for clarification, how many times a week does she do this?


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## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

Well she just started doing it and shes told me shes gonna go three times just this past month so its not to bad but last night we had a fight she told me she wasnt gonna go then i text her when shes off work and she says shes still at work, however, i tracked her phone and she just got to the bar and i called her out and she came home. Im just pissed that she lied but to her im a controlling ahole. So needless to say im extremely pissed but like i said shes pissed at me for "running her life"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Your wife is operating from the standard cheating script. Unfortunately, you just gave away your source (that you can track her cell phone).

Do a pop-in sometime she goes out and see what she's doing/who she's hanging out with. This is how affairs start.

And standard cheating script just so you know is to start changing behavior, make lies/excuses for it, and then start calling you controlling when you call her out.

She's not being rational, she's being defensive. People get aggressively defensive when they have something to hide or want to get away with something. Do not appease, stand up for yourself and proper marital boundaries. There's no reason for your WIFE, to be choosing a bar over you.

I could go into details for hours, but basically at this point your wife is either cheating, or about to start. You can act with self-respect and stop it, or worry about being "controlling" and watch it happen before your eyes.

Start snooping. Check phones/texts/emails/FB. I'd definitely do a pop in, or even better, hire a PI. Especially if she's staying out late. She's probably laying the flirt on pretty heavy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Gizmo04 said:


> Well she just started doing it and shes told me shes gonna go three times just this past month so its not to bad but last night we had a fight she told me she wasnt gonna go then i text her when shes off work and she says shes still at work, however, i tracked her phone and she just got to the bar and i called her out and she came home. Im just pissed that she lied but to her im a controlling ahole. So needless to say im extremely pissed but like i said shes pissed at me for "running her life"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Inappropriate -- check

Unfaithful -- Now it is. She lied. To me lying and covering up activities is beyond inappropriate. I think it is a level of unfaithfullness.

Cheating -- No real evidence yet. But I think that when a spouse is lying, all of a sudden is hanging out with new friends doing these type of ativities they have not done before it is worth investigating. If she is not cheating now she has put herself in an environment that could enable this.

I agree that there are all sorts of things going on here. I would be very concerned if my marriage was having issues and my wife started to go out to bars for hours in the evenings. Lying would put me over the top. Whether she is involved with another man or not this activitiy would be a non starter to me.

You told her you had a problem with this activity. She lied and went anyway. Total disrespect. Next time she showed at being at the bar I would go. And watch from afar.

I think this should move to the infidelity section as you will get help there to investigate "possible" infidelity. Right now you have red flags and must rule out infidelity. That cannot wait. You cannot work on your marital issue if there is this going on.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I agree that when you have a young child at home going out drinking should be lower down your priority list.

However, i dont think 3 times per month is excessive. No kids here, but i enjoy going out for drinks after work with my colleagues. I dont see anything wrong in it. If my fiance started telling me that i could not do this anymore then i would also have a huge problem with that.

I think everyone is jumping the gun a bit with the 'cheating' talk - however if her resentment is not dealt with soon i can see it ending up there.

I agree with previous posters that your best bet is MC. Deal with the root of the problem.


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## Gizmo04 (Apr 25, 2012)

I wouldnt have a problem if she was going out with her good friends that i trust but why the people i dont know? I dont think shes cheating now but shes on a dangerous path. I mean our relationship isnt great at this point so all it takes is a good guy to come along and make me the ahole. What upsets me even more is she told all of her coworkers she had to leave last night because i was being a ****. Ive spoken with my mom about this and she agrees and disagrees. She said she understands my point but my wife is under a lot of stress that sort of thing. Like i said, i dont hang out with my coworkers because i think its unfair to leave her at home while i go out to a bar. This hhas never really been an issue until now, so why all the sudden does she need a drink, ive had medical issues for 3 yrs. its just fishy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'll staunchly disagree with anyone that thinks cheating talk is jumping the gun, or that this behavior is acceptable.

1. It's a departure from normal behavior
2. She's trying to cover it up (ie lying)
3. He's expressing his distaste for the behavior and she resorts to calling him controlling.

Neither of these are either acceptable or indicators of a faithful marriage. You can not both respect and love your husband and lie to him while thinking he is trying to control you because he is uncomfortable with your new behavior (which happens to involve drinking alcohol around single people).

I am not saying she's cheating, but this certainly looks like the start of it. And even if she isn't cheating, the way she is going about it is unacceptable. She is choosing her bar time over her husband.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Gizmo04 said:


> This hhas never really been an issue until now, so why all the sudden does she need a drink, ive had medical issues for 3 yrs. its just fishy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps that is the reason. 3 yrs of stress and turmoil and now she is trying to find an escape? Im just throwing out ideas here.

Perhaps she wants to be out with people who dont know anything about her troubles? It may help her forget them while she is out.

Again, suggest counselling asap. She has issues with the relationship that she is not talking to you about and that makes her vulnerable for an affair.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

This is very similar to what happened with my wife.....she was cheating.


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