# Help please, will he ever stop blaming me????



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm so sad and frustrated and just want to be happy again with my husband. 
We are newly married. We ruin every good day with a fight. Every day we fight.
I know it takes two. But based on things he says, I get the sense that at the bottom of it, no matter what, he genuinely believes deep down that our issues are more my fault than his, and that he is longsuffering for having to deal and put up with me. that it takes two, but only really me. He's said almost that in so many words.
And I just believe that's not a good way to think if you're married.
And yes, I'm willing to own my part. I do and he says I don't, but we both apologize to each other when we make mistakes. I don't know why why why he tells me Im more to blame. 
I hate the word blame in our relationship. And fault. He insists on thinking this way. 
I'm just sick to death of his insistence on blaming, fault, blame, fault fault fault.
I can't take it anymore. 
We 're doing imago therapy, but it hasn't gotten us anywhere yet. 
Is there any hope of this changing, of him no longer blaming me for the root cause of all our problems, of becoming stuck in gridlock, of him believing that he's a poor martyr who has to put up with more crap than I do?
What will it tale for him to stop thinking in these blaming faulting measuring wife is more wrong terms???
Can this change???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

"Can this change?" I would think it can. "Will it change?", is a different question entirely. 

You really haven't provided any specific examples of what he is blaming you for so it is difficult to fathom if he is unreasonable and how much so.

The victim game is very often employed by those seeking to control their relationships and environments and is one tool used by people with personality disorders and anger issues. Are there any concerns about this in your relationship?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks for your reply. I posted another post about some of our problems and issues.
Really and truly, we just fight very badly. 
I'm sensitive, he's insensitive. I get hung up on things and don't let them go, he speaks without thinking and doesn't like being called out or hsving to moderate his words. 
But the deeper concern I have is with his actual beliefs and thoughts: does he genuinely believe I'm to blame for not liking it when he snaps at me, interrupts, and is judgmental? can he see his own role in it and feel love and appreciation for me?
I hope to God he isn't a "narcissist," but he has some traits... As we all do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

The question, for me, is what is he blaming you for? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that him blaming you is right, but if you *have* done something that could be considered really horrible, say for example cheating, then I would say that he's letting that bleed over into everything, having trouble forgiving, and that some counseling would be really beneficial for you two. But if he's just blaming you for everything, just because you didn't fold your napkin right on your first date...well, that's just unreasonable and ridiculous. And for something like that, it's not a matter of can it change, but will it change. Unreasonable, ridiculous people don't tend to change, unfortunately. 

As for what it might take to change him...well, again, hard to say. It might take one more time telling him about it; it might take dropping an atom bomb on his head.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Frost said my reply very succinctly. My stbx has a personality disorder, and truth is, there is no fixing that UNLESS he wants to. However, this is hard to make happen. I have spent (and still spending) lots of time in therapy and alanon to understand that I cannot control or cure what's in his head. 

AND, he continues to blame me to get me to change my actions, and I have already filed for divorce. It's like this isn't real to him, because he's not controlling it.

So, suffice it to say... Who knows? It could run the gamut. He may blame you forever and say little cutting things so your children judge you, too. However, sometimes you have to protect yourself to the best of your ability, and be ok with it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This sounds familiar, and I'm still married to my DH, who is very intelligent and very loving. He doesn't have a personality disorder that I'm aware of and he has definitely changed, though we have our days still sometimes.

At the beginning, he'd use a terrible tone of voice for some of the simplest things, and could be very cutting. It seemed like he was very judgemental of me and that he'd blame me for everything that would go wrong, and he couldn't admit/believe he could be at fault for anything. That's just how it felt anyway. I did have witnesses to him using a horrible tone of voice with me, but he still didn't get that he was the one who needed to apologise.

I grew a thicker skin to start with. I started correcting the way he spoke to me, such as rewording something he just said to me to make it much nicer and asked him to try it that way, instead of my usual, shock-hurt-anger approach. I learnt to control my anger better. Also, I started to listen more to myself. Emotional responses weren't working, he saw me as whiny.

On his part, I think he started working somewhere that wasn't so stressful, and just learnt how his tone does affect the meaning of what he says. Also, if I ask him what changed, he would say he stopped being so 'toey' (meaning he now feels sexually fulfilled). Yeah I know, hate bringing that into it, always seems to come up, but that's what he said. I guess once he felt his needs in the relationship (whatever they may be for an individual) were being met, he was more willing to listen to mine.


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## Baby Chicken (Sep 25, 2010)

You need to stop looking inside yourself for the answers that you already know it to be. You have always done this. Am I correct?

You want peace, not resolution, but first you must offer peace for yourself. Stop punishing yourself for the mistakes of the past....you no longer live there......start living in the present

Whenever you feel threatened, just come to terms that you are not threatened, but it is your inner self that you are protecting from harm.....you are never threatened by anyone, you just protect yourself from the pain and trauma you don't want your inner self to feel.

I can guarentee that once you do this, you will be at peace, and so will your husband.


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## marriageishard (Mar 24, 2011)

This message was posted a while back, but in looking for information in my own marriage i came across your post. I have to say I have been with my husband a total of 10 years and no matter what happens I am always the one who makes the mistakes and If or when I have caught him doing something wrong then all of a sudden its supposed to be ok and not that big of a deal. Well Im just here to tell you, chances of him changing are slim to none. I have been trying so hard to make sure I do every thing I can to be the great wife/mother but he always always finds my faults and then brings up the past with me of course (not him) if things are not better with you guys by now, they just wont ever get better. Get out before you feel stuck bc of kids or maybe even money. I hope this helps you.


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