# TW: SA … I asked my husband to separate



## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

Hello. I don’t know if I’m here for support or reassurance or advice. Maybe a bit of all of that or someone who has gone through something similar. Yesterday I told my husband of 9 years that I want to separate. We have 3 kids together (ages 1,6,9). I have finally come to terms with the fact that he is sexually assaulting me sometimes. I don’t want to go into exact details of it here. It’s taken me a month to ask for a separation. He’s a good dad and has been a decent enough husband, but I’m tired of being disrespected. At this point I feel like I just want to be free of this marriage. We have been together since we were 16 and been parents since 18, married at 19. The only things that would change is I would have one less person to have to clean up after. I might be lonely sometimes too I think but I also really enjoy being alone… I’m just not sure how well anyone will take this news. Right now it’s a trial separation. We’re going to try and seek out therapy but I’m not sure I can forgive him anymore. When we talked last night he tried blaming me for the sexual assaults. I just don’t know how I can forgive that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Nobody should have to put up with assault of any kind.
If you actually want advice on your relationship/separation you will have to be more forthcoming with details of what happened. 
That’s if you want advice, if you just want to vent that’s not a problem, please carry on.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Nobody should have to put up with assault of any kind.
> If you actually want advice on your relationship/separation you will have to be more forthcoming with details of what happened.
> That’s if you want advice, if you just want to vent that’s not a problem, please carry on.


Your right I’ll give more details in a new comment.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

It started about 5 ish years ago. To get to the point, my husband performs a specific sex act on me when I’m drunk or fully blacked out. I don’t know it happens until the next day when I’m in pain or bleeding or both. The first time it happened, I told him to never do that again when I’m drinking period. He never asks me to do it while sober because a long time ago I said I don’t want to even when sober. It’s happened probably 5 times since then (I don’t get that drunk often so everytime I’ve been that way) and each time I have told him it’s not acceptable and not to do it again. He apologizes and says it won’t happen again. Most recently about a month ago it happened again. He’s very confused on why I’ve waited so long and acted like everything is okay until now. But I have felt very confused and conflicted about it since it happened again. It feels very weird to say your husband is raping you and for certain people to not believe that will be extremely hard for me (I don’t plan on telling many people though).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Until you decide what to do, have you considered not getting drunk or black out drunk so it doesn't happen again?


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Until you decide what to do, have you considered not getting drunk or black out drunk so it doesn't happen again?


Of course I have. Usually I don’t mean to and when I realize it’s too late. Like I said it actually rarely happens. I’ve also considered that when I go home drunk I should feel safe in my own home with my husband…. I’m sorry but that sounds a lot like well you were drunk so you deserved it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mmt94 said:


> It started about 5 ish years ago. To get to the point, my husband performs a specific sex act on me when I’m drunk or fully blacked out. I don’t know it happens until the next day when I’m in pain or bleeding or both. The first time it happened, I told him to never do that again when I’m drinking period. He never asks me to do it while sober because a long time ago I said I don’t want to even when sober. It’s happened probably 5 times since then (I don’t get that drunk often so everytime I’ve been that way) and each time I have told him it’s not acceptable and not to do it again. He apologizes and says it won’t happen again. Most recently about a month ago it happened again. He’s very confused on why I’ve waited so long and acted like everything is okay until now. But I have felt very confused and conflicted about it since it happened again. It feels very weird to say your husband is raping you and for certain people to not believe that will be extremely hard for me (I don’t plan on telling many people though).


Why are you bothering with therapy/marriage counseling with him? How do you possibly fix rape in a counseling session?

No excuse for rape and your husband should be the one man you can fully trust, but that said, why are you getting blackout drunk, even if only once in a great while? Especially knowing what happens when you are blacked out around him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mmt94 said:


> Of course I have. Usually I don’t mean to and when I realize it’s too late. Like I said it actually rarely happens. *I’ve also considered that when I go home drunk I should feel safe in my own home with my husband*…. I’m sorry but that sounds a lot like well you were drunk so you deserved it.


This is the thing though. You aren't safe in your home. He's doing it now while you're really drunk, but what's to stop him from deciding you don't need to be drunk and he'd gonna do it anyway? If it's so rough that you're injured and bleeding after, you're not safe and you need to take that seriously and start looking for a way out. This is not ok, what he's putting you through. And it is certainly not your fault.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why are you bothering with therapy/marriage counseling with him? How do you possibly fix rape in a counseling session?
> 
> No excuse for rape and your husband should be the one man you can fully trust, but that said, why are you getting blackout drunk, even if only once in a great while? Especially knowing what happens when you are blacked out around him.


I guess because of the kids and because of the life change it would bring. I figure if anything counseling might help us separate and still be co parents…

It’s usually a girls night that I just have one too many. It’s not like I purposefully getthat far. And I always come hometo what should be a safe place. Honestly it’s been 2 years since it last happened and I thought maybe it wouldn’t happen again.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is the thing though. You aren't safe in your home. He's doing it now while you're really drunk, but what's to stop him from deciding you don't need to be drunk and he'd gonna do it anyway? If it's so rough that you're injured and bleeding after, you're not safe and you need to take that seriously and start looking for a way out. This is not ok, what he's putting you through. And it is certainly not your fault.


Thank you. 🥺 I’m to the point of not knowing really what to do. He’s refusing to move out even on a trial period while we figure things out. I told him he can stay here while it’s his weekend with the kids and I’ll go stay with my mom those weekends. But he’s refusing to do that too. Supposedly for the kids but he works a lot and barely sees them during the week anyways. And some of the threads I’ve read have said I shouldn’t move out during a separation. Idk


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mmt94 said:


> I guess because of the kids and because of the life change it would bring. I figure if anything counseling might help us separate and still be co parents…
> 
> It’s usually a girls night that I just have one too many. It’s not like I purposefully getthat far. And I always come hometo what should be a safe place. Honestly it’s been 2 years since it last happened and I thought maybe it wouldn’t happen again.


I'm not trying to blame shift in anyway, but are you sure you aren't agreeing to his actions in the heat of the moment and when inhibitions are low due to drinking? Or are you truly blacked out and unable to provide consent when he does this to you? Honestly, if he is doing what I think he is doing I can't imagine how drunk you would have to be in order for you to not wake up in the middle of it. If you really are blacked out this is clear cut rape, even if he is your husband. There is no amount of counseling that will change that. Allowing yourself to be at risk for getting raped isn't good for the kids either. As @TexasMom1216 said, what happens when he doesn't need you to be drunk to decide to do this anyway?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mmt94 said:


> Thank you. 🥺 I’m to the point of not knowing really what to do. He’s refusing to move out even on a trial period while we figure things out. I told him he can stay here while it’s his weekend with the kids and I’ll go stay with my mom those weekends. But he’s refusing to do that too. Supposedly for the kids but he works a lot and barely sees them during the week anyways. And some of the threads I’ve read have said I shouldn’t move out during a separation. Idk


It is time to get a lawyer. What you really need is divorce, not separation. Really, either should have guidance from a lawyer.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm not trying to blame shift in anyway, but are you sure you aren't agreeing to his actions in the heat of the moment and when inhibitions are low due to drinking? Or are you truly blacked out and unable to provide consent when he does this to you? Honestly, if he is doing what I think he is doing I can't imagine how drunk you would have to be in order for you to not wake up in the middle of it. If you really are blacked out this is clear cut rape, even if he is your husband. There is no amount of counseling that will change that. Allowing yourself to be at risk for getting raped isn't good for the kids either. As @TexasMom1216 said, what happens when he doesn't need you to be drunk to decide to do this anyway?


When I asked him why he did it he said I wanted it. I asked how did he know I wanted it? There was silence on his end. I said did I just not protest to it? He said yes. He told me that I was so drunk I couldn’t get words out correctly so I’m pretty sure I never consented and was in no state to even be able to give consent. When sober I have specifically told him he doesn’t have my consent when I’m drunk to do that to me also sooo I feel that trumps any in the moment exchange. But he said there was no words from me anyways. This is anonymous so **** it. It’s anal that he’s doing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mmt94 said:


> When I asked him why he did it he said I wanted it. I asked how did he know I wanted it? There was silence on his end. I said did I just not protest to it? He said yes. He told me that I was so drunk I couldn’t get words out correctly so I’m pretty sure I never consented and was in no state to even be able to give consent. When sober I have specifically told him he doesn’t have my consent when I’m drunk to do that to me also sooo I feel that trumps any in the moment exchange. But he said there was no words from me anyways. This is anonymous so **** it. It’s anal that he’s doing.


I had already put 2 and 2 together about what he is doing, but thanks for confirmation. Consent requires a yes. Not being capable of uttering a word is the same as saying no. And, as you pointed out, you've told him it will be a no even if you can't say it. This is rape and you need to start thinking about it in those terms. Do you really want to work on your relationship with a rapist? If he is that lacking of a moral compass to think what he is doing is acceptable I'm not even sure I would want him coparenting.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if my new dog pooped on the carpet i would punish it. it would get the message, eventually.

So, since he is acting at that mental level, how about punishing him similarly. like "no sex for you for 3 months, since you did that thing i told you to never do to me"


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

...


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's a really hard situation you're in. But unfortunately it sounds like what he wants is access to someone who won't fight back or hold him accountable for hurting them. He is never going to agree to anything because he likes things the way they are. This isn't about the kids. This is about losing access and being accountable. The time for niceness and cooperation is over.
> 
> Are you positive you were really "black out drunk"? Is it possible there was something in your drink? That he put there?


I wasn’t with him when I was drinking. I remember bits and pieces after I got home but I don’t remember the drive home (a friend drove me). I kind of remember us having sex but not him doing that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Call the cops when you're bleeding and put a temporary restraining order on him. That will force him out for a few days. See how tough he is once the law is involved.

Then get a lawyer. You have nothing to work with...therapy is a way to ******** and stall for time.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I had already put 2 and 2 together about what he is doing, but thanks for confirmation. Consent requires a yes. Not being capable of uttering a word is the same as saying no. And, as you pointed out, you've told him it will be a no even if you can't say it. This is rape and you need to start thinking about it in those terms. Do you really want to work on your relationship with a rapist? If he is that lacking of a moral compass to think what he is doing is acceptable I'm not even sure I would want him coparenting.


You’re right. It’s just hard to admit to myself or to anyone.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> if my new dog pooped on the carpet i would punish it. it would get the message, eventually.
> 
> So, since he is acting at that mental level, how about punishing him similarly. like "no sex for you for 3 months, since you did that thing i told you to never do to me"


What the **** kind of advice is this. She is being raped! She is being physically hurt to the point of bleeding. What the hell do you think this is so kind of joke?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mmt94 said:


> Hello. I don’t know if I’m here for support or reassurance or advice. Maybe a bit of all of that or someone who has gone through something similar. Yesterday I told my husband of 9 years that I want to separate. We have 3 kids together (ages 1,6,9). I have finally come to terms with the fact that he is sexually assaulting me sometimes. I don’t want to go into exact details of it here. It’s taken me a month to ask for a separation. He’s a good dad and has been a decent enough husband, but I’m tired of being disrespected. At this point I feel like I just want to be free of this marriage. We have been together since we were 16 and been parents since 18, married at 19. The only things that would change is I would have one less person to have to clean up after. I might be lonely sometimes too I think but I also really enjoy being alone… I’m just not sure how well anyone will take this news. Right now it’s a trial separation. We’re going to try and seek out therapy but I’m not sure I can forgive him anymore. When we talked last night he tried blaming me for the sexual assaults. I just don’t know how I can forgive that.


Since you've been with him since you were so young he likely thinks he owns you and he may get ugly at the news. So I would highly recommend you take some steps to get yourself in a safe situation and get some of your stuff out without him even knowing first until he has time to settle down if he's going to. 

I am so sorry he's been assaulting you. There is absolutely no justification for that and it's a horrible thing for your children no matter how else he may treat them. You very likely may need to get a restraining order so if he lays his hands on you again you need to go ahead and call the police and get a record started and keep a log because you can't just get a restraining order out of the blue.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mmt94 said:


> Hello. I don’t know if I’m here for support or reassurance or advice. Maybe a bit of all of that or someone who has gone through something similar. Yesterday I told my husband of 9 years that I want to separate. We have 3 kids together (ages 1,6,9). I have finally come to terms with the fact that he is sexually assaulting me sometimes. I don’t want to go into exact details of it here. It’s taken me a month to ask for a separation. He’s a good dad and has been a decent enough husband, but I’m tired of being disrespected. At this point I feel like I just want to be free of this marriage. We have been together since we were 16 and been parents since 18, married at 19. The only things that would change is I would have one less person to have to clean up after. I might be lonely sometimes too I think but I also really enjoy being alone… I’m just not sure how well anyone will take this news. Right now it’s a trial separation. We’re going to try and seek out therapy but I’m not sure I can forgive him anymore. When we talked last night he tried blaming me for the sexual assaults. I just don’t know how I can forgive that.


Look mmt94. YOu have my support no matter what you decide.

My opinion is your husband is not only raping you he's violently raping you. You shouldn't bleed. I know this may be hard to believe but anal when done properly can be pleasurable and shouldn't make you bleed. You husband is a rapist and he has no respect for you or he wouldn't do it when you are drunk. yes you should be safe when you are at your house with your husband.

Why separate. You divorce him. Seek an attorney and get the attorneys advice on leaving. In some states if you leave the marital home during the divorce it is assumed the spouse gets it. IN many states it is just split 50/50. This is no time to get internet advice. Call a women's abuse hotline in your area. They will advise you that the next time you wake up bleeding call the police (let's hope there isn't a next time). They will have a list of resources as well both mental, living arrangements and lawyers.

I'm so sorry this has happened. He obviously thinks he can do anything do you and he doesn't care that you are upset since it has happened more than once. Please do not stay with someone who values you so little.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Also I'd second DownBTR's comments. People like this who think you belong to them and they can do whatever they want. Well they often get violent when you try to leave if they don't want to let you go. Even the ones you don't think will. He's already violently raping you when you can't fight back. Please seek local help. I know it is embarrassing and no one wants to be in this position, but you deserve better. Being alone would be better.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Mmt94 said:


> Thank you. 🥺 I’m to the point of not knowing really what to do. He’s refusing to move out even on a trial period while we figure things out. I told him he can stay here while it’s his weekend with the kids and I’ll go stay with my mom those weekends. But he’s refusing to do that too. Supposedly for the kids but he works a lot and barely sees them during the week anyways. And some of the threads I’ve read have said I shouldn’t move out during a separation. Idk


Consult a lawyer about moving out, etc. and what effect that will have on any divorce/custody/financial, etc..


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Do you own your home together?

Definetly talk to lawyer, I'm not sure if you are in a one party consent state for recording, but if you get him admitting to it and record it, I think you would have a pretty strong case.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Mmt94 said:


> It started about 5 ish years ago. To get to the point, my husband performs a specific sex act on me when I’m drunk or fully blacked out. I don’t know it happens until the next day when I’m in pain or bleeding or both. The first time it happened, I told him to never do that again when I’m drinking period. He never asks me to do it while sober because a long time ago I said I don’t want to even when sober. It’s happened probably 5 times since then (I don’t get that drunk often so everytime I’ve been that way) and each time I have told him it’s not acceptable and not to do it again. He apologizes and says it won’t happen again. Most recently about a month ago it happened again. He’s very confused on why I’ve waited so long and acted like everything is okay until now. But I have felt very confused and conflicted about it since it happened again. It feels very weird to say your husband is raping you and for certain people to not believe that will be extremely hard for me (I don’t plan on telling many people though).


yeah....that's called Rape and it speaks volumes as to his character.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Could your husband be spiking your drink at all? which is what is making you blind out drunk and passing out. Don't let him pour you any drinks. It's disgusting what he is doing and yes it's rape.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Mmt94 said:


> When I asked him why he did it he said I wanted it. I asked how did he know I wanted it? There was silence on his end. I said did I just not protest to it? He said yes. He told me that I was so drunk I couldn’t get words out correctly so I’m pretty sure I never consented and was in no state to even be able to give consent. When sober I have specifically told him he doesn’t have my consent when I’m drunk to do that to me also sooo I feel that trumps any in the moment exchange. But he said there was no words from me anyways. This is anonymous so **** it. It’s anal that he’s doing.


Doesn't matter. He knows that when you're sober you set the boundary you're not doing that. If he was even a little bit of a decent human being he wouldn't even think about doing what he has done when you're drunk.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BTW I in no way shape or form recommend you staying in this relationship. But if you do (cause many do) please make him give up the porn. (Or tell me with a straight face he doesn't watch porn).


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mmt94 said:


> It started about 5 ish years ago. To get to the point, my husband performs a specific sex act on me when I’m drunk or fully blacked out. I don’t know it happens until the next day when I’m in pain or bleeding or both. The first time it happened, I told him to never do that again when I’m drinking period. He never asks me to do it while sober because a long time ago I said I don’t want to even when sober. It’s happened probably 5 times since then (I don’t get that drunk often so everytime I’ve been that way) and each time I have told him it’s not acceptable and not to do it again. He apologizes and says it won’t happen again. Most recently about a month ago it happened again. He’s very confused on why I’ve waited so long and acted like everything is okay until now. But I have felt very confused and conflicted about it since it happened again. It feels very weird to say your husband is raping you and for certain people to not believe that will be extremely hard for me (I don’t plan on telling many people though).


Sounds like there is more than one issue here. If you are so drunk that you are not aware of a violent sex act (bleeding) has occurred, and this has happened 5 times, I am just wondering how much drinking is going on? Is this good for you and what about what you are exposing your children to? Have you sought professional help for what is happening in your life?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

AVR1962 said:


> Sounds like there is more than one issue here. If you are so drunk that you are not aware of a violent sex act (bleeding) has occurred, and this has happened 5 times, I am just wondering how much drinking is going on? Is this good for you and what about what you are exposing your children to? Have you sought professional help for what is happening in your life?


There may be more than one issue but there is NOTHING that would give her husband this right.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Sounds like there is more than one issue here. If you are so drunk that you are not aware of a violent sex act (bleeding) has occurred, and this has happened 5 times, I am just wondering how much drinking is going on? Is this good for you and what about what you are exposing your children to? Have you sought professional help for what is happening in your life?


5 times over the past 5 or 6 years is a problem? I got out about once a month if that… I think my drinking is fine. Many people go overboard sometimes. I’m small andcan easily over do it depending how much I’ve eaten and what I’m doing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mmt94 said:


> 5 times over the past 5 or 6 years is a problem? I got out about once a month if that… I think my drinking is fine. Many people go overboard sometimes. I’m small andcan easily over do it depending how much I’ve eaten and what I’m doing.


While that is understandable. You are a woman in public. Being that drunk puts you at risk. It shouldn't but it does.

So from that perspective it is a problem.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Do you own your home together?
> 
> Definetly talk to lawyer, I'm not sure if you are in a one party consent state for recording, but if you get him admitting to it and record it, I think you would have a pretty strong case.


yes we own our home together and in our state I think it’s 50/50 even if I move out. I’ll be talking to a lawyer and therapist ASAP.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Mmt94 said:


> Thank you. 🥺 I’m to the point of not knowing really what to do. He’s refusing to move out even on a trial period while we figure things out. I told him he can stay here while it’s his weekend with the kids and I’ll go stay with my mom those weekends. But he’s refusing to do that too. Supposedly for the kids but he works a lot and barely sees them during the week anyways. And some of the threads I’ve read have said I shouldn’t move out during a separation. Idk


So file for divorce now. You can’t trust him and he’s violating you! 
Take your kids and move in with your Mom since he won’t leave.
He is a power guy - likes to be in charge. Well, guess what - not anymore to you!

File!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Mmt94 said:


> When I asked him why he did it he said I wanted it. I asked how did he know I wanted it? There was silence on his end. I said did I just not protest to it? He said yes. He told me that I was so drunk I couldn’t get words out correctly so I’m pretty sure I never consented and was in no state to even be able to give consent. When sober I have specifically told him he doesn’t have my consent when I’m drunk to do that to me also sooo I feel that trumps any in the moment exchange. But he said there was no words from me anyways. This is anonymous so **** it. It’s anal that he’s doing.


I already knew it was anal. He is completely out of line when you’ve stated he is NOT to do anal.
He’s violating you, disrespecting you and taking advantage of you being drunk. Don’t drink one drop while he’s still in the house.
I’d move into a different bedroom with a lock and key on the door until you live separate from him.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

I think everyone is on the same page. Its not okay, period. Especially when you've told him no. It doesn't matter what he thinks about who is responsible for it, when you've expressly said no, there was no reason for it to be repeated. End of.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Mmt94 said:



5 times over the past 5 or 6 years is a problem? I got out about once a month if that… I think my drinking is fine. Many people go overboard sometimes. I’m small andcan easily over do it depending how much I’ve eaten and what I’m doing.

Click to expand...

*So this disgusting POS has sodomized you 5 times over the last 5 years - and left you *BLEEDING* - and your ANSWER to that was to stick around and keep having kids with him?

I don't get it. I don't. I'll never understand why women will* disrespect *themselves to THIS level for some worthless POS like this guy.

The only support you SHOULD be receiving are suggestions to call your divorce attorney as soon as you can pick up your phone.

OP, find your dignity and find your self respect. Because when you DO, you'll realize that this is unacceptable and UNFORGIVABLE. Why waste your money on therapy??? Therapy is worthless and isn't going to change what he's already DONE.

Just call your lawyer.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So this disgusting POS has sodomized you 5 times over the last 5 years - and left you *BLEEDING* - and your ANSWER to that was to stick around and keep having kids with him?
> 
> I don't get it. I don't. I'll never understand why women will* disrespect *themselves to THIS level for some worthless POS like this guy.
> 
> ...


This is more hurtful than helpful but thanks for that. It’s taken a long time to realize what has been happening. Just look at this comment thread. How many people have asked if I’m sure i didn’t consent in the moment? The therapy is for me to come to terms with what has happened it’s individual therapy that I was talking about.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mmt94 said:


> This is more hurtful than helpful but thanks for that. It’s taken a long time to realize what has been happening. Just look at this comment thread. How many people have asked if I’m sure i didn’t consent in the moment? The therapy is for me to come to terms with what has happened it’s individual therapy that I was talking about.


Don't be hard on yourself. Read up on rape victims. That is what you are and it isn't uncommon for the rapist to be someone familiar and trusted. It isn't uncommon for it to be a spouse. That creates trauma and doubt. 

In truth many abused women don't successfully leave until the 4th or 5th try. 

Please read up. Leaving can be a very dangerous time for the person upsetting someone who thinks they have control.

I meant it when I said I support you either way. If you choose to stay then there are other things. I'd prefer to think you will leave. 

Your individual therapy have they helped you realize this is rape?

It doesn't really matter but I"m curious how he acts after the bleeding? So other than saying you wanted it.... Does he apologize for not knowing how to use lube? Does he even feel bad? What is his demeaner? He seems passive agressive.


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Don't be hard on yourself. Read up on rape victims. That is what you are and it isn't uncommon for the rapist to be someone familiar and trusted. It isn't uncommon for it to be a spouse. That creates trauma and doubt.
> 
> In truth many abused women don't successfully leave until the 4th or 5th try.
> 
> ...


I haven’t been to individual therapy yet I go on Friday. I have spoken with a sexual assault hotline because of the confusion I feel and they said yes, it’s rape so obviously that’s when I considered my options. When I told him I was bleeding he said sorry, shrugged, and said you don’t remember doing that? And I was pissed asked him what the f? I think he truly didn’t believe he did anything wrong. He’s literally never raised his voice at me that’s why this is hard to fathom. He still isn’t really taking responsibility he’s still saying it’s both of our faults. He feels bad for the fact that I feel like it’s rape and how it’s made me feel, and he doesn’t want to divorce. He’s crying and apologizing and promising it will never ever happen again and he will do anything. It’s extremely hard because I love him and yeah I can see remorse now but I think it is too late. And I know this makes him a ****ty husband… but I guess I keep really questioning if I somehow brought this on myself by doing something before it happened to make him think I wanted it. This is why I need therapy. Also- about the lube, I’m pretty sure he just has no idea what he’s doing but he does watch a lot of porn so maybe he really thinks anal is that easy? Idk.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mmt94 said:


> I haven’t been to individual therapy yet I go on Friday. I have spoken with a sexual assault hotline because of the confusion I feel and they said yes, it’s rape so obviously that’s when I considered my options. When I told him I was bleeding he said sorry, shrugged, and said you don’t remember doing that? And I was pissed asked him what the f? I think he truly didn’t believe he did anything wrong. He’s literally never raised his voice at me that’s why this is hard to fathom. He still isn’t really taking responsibility he’s still saying it’s both of our faults. He feels bad for the fact that I feel like it’s rape and how it’s made me feel, and he doesn’t want to divorce. He’s crying and apologizing and promising it will never ever happen again and he will do anything. It’s extremely hard because I love him and yeah I can see remorse now but I think it is too late. And I know this makes him a ****ty husband… but I guess I keep really questioning if I somehow brought this on myself by doing something before it happened to make him think I wanted it. This is why I need therapy. Also- about the lube, I’m pretty sure he just has no idea what he’s doing but he does watch a lot of porn so maybe he really thinks anal is that easy? Idk.


You should leave. His remorse is he's just sorry you are calling him on his ********. 1 time he could claim he didn't know. that's it. And if you have bled more than once think about that!. 

I can tell you if something like anal made me bleed my husband wouldn't do it a second time no matter how much I begged him sober. He would be able to keep hard to penetrate me.

So your husband isn't truly sorry or remorseful because he's not being honest with you. One or two situations come to my mind. it could be a combo of both. He watches too much porn, knew you wouldn't agree sober so he takes it when you get drunk and doesn't care about you. In addition I'll say lots of anal porn is about control and hurting the woman. Literally a common theme is making a woman think they are going to have regular sex get them in a position that hard to get out of and then do anal. The next is that he has some resentment somewhere and doesn't have the guts to just talk to you about it so he hurts you when he thinks he can without consequences.

Neither of those make his good enough to stick around. Not raising your voice is a start but really it doesn't mean love and respect either. There are plenty of serial killers described as quiet and great husbands or fathers. You know why they didn't have the balls to stand up to their mothers or wives or most of society. They just used the shell. I'm not saying your husband is a serial killer. But can you name how he SHOWS his love for you? Do you feel loved?

Again I hope and pray that you leave. Until you get your ducks in a row tell him to cut out the porn and make sure you have access to all phone, computer and such. See what he says.....


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mmt94 said:


> 5 times over the past 5 or 6 years is a problem? I got out about once a month if that… I think my drinking is fine. Many people go overboard sometimes. I’m small andcan easily over do it depending how much I’ve eaten and what I’m doing.


The difference is that if you are drinking to a point of black out or you are so out that a violating act could even occur, this is a problem. The acts should not happen in the first place but that is where I think there is more than one issue here. Do not stay with anyone who is violating you but also address your own issues.


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## Suki123 (Aug 15, 2021)

Mmt94 said:


> Hello. I don’t know if I’m here for support or reassurance or advice. Maybe a bit of all of that or someone who has gone through something similar. Yesterday I told my husband of 9 years that I want to separate. We have 3 kids together (ages 1,6,9). I have finally come to terms with the fact that he is sexually assaulting me sometimes. I don’t want to go into exact details of it here. It’s taken me a month to ask for a separation. He’s a good dad and has been a decent enough husband, but I’m tired of being disrespected. At this point I feel like I just want to be free of this marriage. We have been together since we were 16 and been parents since 18, married at 19. The only things that would change is I would have one less person to have to clean up after. I might be lonely sometimes too I think but I also really enjoy being alone… I’m just not sure how well anyone will take this news. Right now it’s a trial separation. We’re going to try and seek out therapy but I’m not sure I can forgive him anymore. When we talked last night he tried blaming me for the sexual assaults. I just don’t know how I can forgive that.


have you considered that there is more to this obsession of his with the type of sex he seems intersed in as well as the obvious issues of the rapes, is it possibly he has some issues with homosexuality


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## Suki123 (Aug 15, 2021)

Suki123 said:


> have you considered that there is more to this obsession of his with the type of sex he seems intersed in as well as the obvious issues of the rapes, is it possibly he has some issues with homosexuality


can he get aroused in other normal sexual circumstances??


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## Mmt94 (11 mo ago)

Update: He moved out this week. Thank you everyone. I have not filed yet I’m not sure on the best timing because I have been a stay at home mom and am going into teaching next year so I won’t have a permanent job until august and I’d like to keep the house if I can. I have the kids the majority of the time so I’m hoping he or a judge will let me keep it for the kids. The hardest part of all of this is that he is getting everyone’s sympathy. It’s really hard to face that I will have to be the “villian” in not keeping our family together. But I know I deserve better.


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