# Don't want a divorce



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I've been on here the last week posting various topics which involve me story and I have been pretty active in other threads as well. It seems like everyday my mind ends up in a different place. 

They say it takes two people to start the marriage but only one to end it. My wife and I are clearly in a stalemate. She feels one way and I feel the other. She says we're too broken and the feeling she needs to stay married to me aren't going to come back. I feel the opposite and I feel that in most cases those feeling aren't gone they're just buried.

Anyway, while in this stalemate my instincts tell me I cannot just sit there and do nothing. We're both in the same house and that's not something that's going to change very quickly. I know I'm not going to change her mind overnight if ever but I feel I still need to try. I want to tell her I know all the mistakes I made and accept and own up to them 100%. I want to tell her that I will not just sit back and allow everything to be taken from me without putting up the greatest fight of my life. She might be telling me that's what she wants but I cannot just sit and watch it happen. It might happen anyway but I don't have to just sit and feel completely helpless do I?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry. On the one hand I want to tell u to try and never give up til the last minute. On the other I will caution u to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Its always sad when one person is adamantly wanting divorce and the other has no choice in the matter. Get IC and work on the parrty u played. I think u said u were neglectful of her. So stop being neglectful. Even if u don't save this marriage u will know not to do that in the future. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If I recall some of your other threads, you have waffled on what you wanted to do and if so, she sees that. If you are waffling and she is disconnected there is no reason for her to commit. There isn't much for her to hold on to. If you are going to do this you need to fully commit to it and she needs to see that in your actions not your words. Words have little if any impact on her at this time. Having brought my marriage back from the brink of divorce with a disconnected wife, let me tell you it's going to SUCK for a long time! If you are making changes in yourself for the betterment of the marriage that's great but I can guarantee she won't accept them for weeks, if not months.  Recovery in a damaged marriage can take time especially if the cancer has been festering for a long time as it had in mine. If you are going to go for it then suck it up and strap in, it won't turn on a dime.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Jelly I understand and I have read your words about divorce not being a mutual decision a few times as well. It's obviously a very rough spot to be in. I just know as the person I am I cannot just sit back and watch everything be destroyed and watch my two little ones be affected without a strong fight. I know I played a part in things getting to the point they did. I have never denied that to her but maybe I should be more specific and explain exactly what I know I did. It may not help but at least you will get the message that I fully understand.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> If I recall some of your other threads, you have waffled on what you wanted to do and if so, she sees that. If you are waffling and she is disconnected there is no reason for her to commit. There isn't much for her to hold on to. If you are going to do this you need to fully commit to it and she needs to see that in your actions not your words. Words have little if any impact on her at this time. Having brought my marriage back from the brink of divorce with disconnected wife, let me tell you it's going to SUCK for a long time! If you are making changes in yourself for the betterment of the marriage that's great but I can guarantee she won't accept them for weeks, if not months. Recovery in a damaged marriage can take time especially if the cancer has been festering for a long time as it had in mine. If you are going to go for it then suck it up and strap in, it won't turn on a dime.


That I do understand. It's not going to be today, tomorrow, or the next day. I know what I want to do now and I have to try my hardest. Then if I have to walk away I can do so knowing I did every single thing possible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Jelly I understand and I have read your words about divorce not being a mutual decision a few times as well. It's obviously a very rough spot to be in. I just know as the person I am I cannot just sit back and watch everything be destroyed and watch my two little ones be affected without a strong fight. I know I played a part in things getting to the point they did. I have never denied that to her but maybe I should be more specific and explain exactly what I know I did. It may not help but at least you will get the message that I fully understand.


 Yes. Explain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

makingsenseofit

I can relate to what your wife is saying to you, bc i feel that was towards my husband... does he get it ? No . He pushes and pushes... how much he loves me, how much he wants our marriage to work , he isnt giving up, the gifts are sent, the love notes left, he the biggest cheerleader of them all ... i just want him to stop ! it is pushing me farther and farther away ... 

Just leave me alone . Nothing major is going to happen tomorrow . 

~sammy


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes. Explain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure I never thought of it but perhaps I can get some more help on the subject if I explain what I know my role in all of this was. I'm sorry if this gets long but I do need to explain some things so other points make sense. Just in case I never mentioned this my wife and I met in 1994 when I was 18 and she was 17. 

Six months before my wife and I married in 2001 I became very ill and ended up spending a month in the hospital. I was in very rough shape and could've died but obviously I didn't. My soon to be wife was excellent during this time even though I know she was scared. She was there with me whenever she could be and I will always remember and appreciate that. 

We married that summer and moved into our house together and everything was wonderful. Four years later we had our first child but unfortunately a short time after that her dad was diagnosed with cancer. He passed away ten months later just a few days before my daughter's first birthday and a month before my wife and I were to move into our new house. This was not an easy time for my wife obviously or for me because her father and I were very close. I had lost my dad in 2000 and he was certainly a father figure for me. We had our second child in late 2007 and at that point things as far as I'm concerned were wonderful between my wife and I. 

About a year or so later some of my health issues crept up again and I was really going through a tough time with it. No hospital or anything like that but I constantly felt like crap while still working many hours and taking care of my responsibilities around the house. It was during this time that I look back and think I had to have fallen into some kind of depression. Looking back on it it's clear I withdrew in a lot of ways. This is most likely the time when my wife and I started drifting apart. 

The way she was described what happened to us is that she would ask me about things I would give very short answers and make it clear I didn't really want to talk much. After this going on for a while she decided to stop pushing it. Also, for reasons I don't really know we stopped going out doing things together like movies or dinner. We would still go out on occasion but it was usually with groups of friends. It got to the point that we were living in the same house but doing our own thing. It didn't seem like we were interested in what was going on in each other's lives. 

The regrets I have is not recognizing sooner that something was clearly not right with me. I should've went to private counseling a lot sooner than I did. I know I stopped making my wife feel loved. I know I stopped making her feel special and the most important thing in my life. I know she must of felt alone even though I was there. I should've taken responsibility for the strain that was in our relationship and done something about it. Unfortunately, I waited and it was my wife who said something first after everything had built up inside of her.


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## Hopeeternal (Oct 28, 2011)

Makingsenseofit you and I have a lot in common. My issues were not health related but stress from work. We also bought a business at about the time we had our last child who had serious health issues at birth and has severe ADHD. We lived through a house fire. We have had very serious trouble with the business. Stress, stress, stress. Instead of love and affection I gave her at least nine years of anger as she became the target of my stress. She and I have talked about it. She tried everything to get me to pay attention to the fact that I was losing her. I was SO stressed out, so buried in my own troubles that I did not take her seriously. I ALWAYS thought we would work things out. A few months ago I finally had to let go of trying to save the business...I realized I was killing myself for nothing. It is failing but for reasons that are very complicated I cannot get out of it right away. BUT because I let it go I told her I wanted to work on us. TOO LATE. She told me she was no longer in love with me and has no feelings for me. She is empty. She is currently in an EA. Despite all of this and despite the weight I still carry on my back from the business I cannot give up on us. I will fight for this every single day until we work it out or she kicks me out. I love her that much.


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## timbre (Oct 3, 2011)

Wow.... I see myself in both Makingsenseofit and Hopeeternal...

This is me... This is what I am in. Yea my wife is in a EA/PA but just like both of you I can't give up.

I do see the sense in backing up a few spaces and giving the W some space... she needs to understand that we are there for her but know that she needs the space to heal as well.

I'm still trying to sort everything out in my head. I'm still trying to find the correct path to go down.

All I can say is I 100% support you in the direction that you have taken. I will be watching this as the days and weeks go on with my situation.

Go to private counseling. Fix what is wrong with yourself. Show your wife that you are interested in making yourself a better person. When you do this then that spark may return. They married you for a reason... bring back that reason.


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## Hopeeternal (Oct 28, 2011)

Good, we are the Three Musketeers then!
Although I respect and love my wife (I did not show that for a very long time BTW) I will not and cannot be in an open marriage. Last night she said she was separating. This is fine but the separation will, gently, go by my rules. She cheated so she is moving out, not me. Things like that.
The bottom line I gave last night (with a lot of help from folks on here!) is that if she does NOT end the affair NOW we cannot go forward and we will not survive. She claims she was writing a text or email to him last night with the help of her (toxic) girlfriend before she decided to go black and not write me. I doubt very seriously that the email was written and I am certain it has not been sent or I would have heard about it. I love her more than life. I absolutely would step in front of a train for her. But I will no longer be a doormat in our marriage and I certainly will not be kept around as her safety net or plan B. She is married to me, not to the affair.


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