# Is THIS the sign to just walk away?



## Shesellseashells (Apr 1, 2012)

_x posted here. I am new the this forum and didn't see this section._

I need some advice from someone who is not emotionally attached to the situation. 

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have 3 little girls. We have have had our ups and downs like every marriage. 5 years ago our marriage took a bad turn, but we were able to get through it. I would say other than this big current situation we are stronger than we have ever been. 

We meet in our 20's and he has never been great with money. That might be an understatement he is very bad. In the beginning of our marriage we were always able to sweep it under the rug and move on. Digging ourselves not completely in the hole each time. We both didn't care about about our finances in our 20's and didn't really think about how it would impact us. 

The last few years I have grown up you could say I have really started to see how our decisions have really screwed us. They are also coming back to haunt us. Even if it is all really old our credit is wrecked. He also has put off now 3 years worth or back taxes with the IRS. 

I have begged BEGGED him to come up with a plan to get a better hold onto things. He is all gun hoe for a couple days then it fizzles. The annoyance has built up and came to head back in November when I pretty much gave an ultimatum. I wrote a list of everything that needed to be done. I knew this was the easiest way for him. It was a step by step and pretty much fail proof. I said if he didn't take call who needed to be called, set up a budget with me, and other things I was done. I couldn't do this anymore. That I had to think about the best interest for myself and the girls. I saw him blow it off and the New Year came and went. 

The last 2 months I have been telling him he had to call the IRS to set up a payment plan or he was going to get garnished. If a garnishment happen we would be in a state of devastation due to no savings. He blew it off and made every excuse in the book. This was one bill I could not deal with he had to himself. Well yesterday we got a letter from his employer that he was getting garnished Leaving his paycheck to be around $180 a week! 

I freaked out of course. This is not enough to keep the roof over our head! He called the IRS and set up a payment plan and they sent a fax to his payroll stopping the garnishment. I have this horrible feeling that it will be too late for this next paycheck this week. I am pretty sure the payroll closes on Sunday for the week. This is going to put us in a extremely bad situation, and I am not sure even what we are going to do. He is upset but is very much acting like he always does. Pretty much taking it day by day.

When I say he is bad with money he just pretty much doesn't think about it. He doesn't go out and blow money drinking or buying lavish gifts. He just doesn't pay attention to anything an never has. I have tried more times then I can count trying to get him to but he doesn't. He makes around 40k salary so not a lot but not bad either. It is enough for us to live OK but we have to be on a budget. I have mainly been a stay at home mom. His job makes it very hard for me to work outside of the home. The past years the biggest argument was him just not thinking about spending $10-20 here and there and adding up. He doesn't get to see that. He is a very smart and educated man but can't seem to grasp anything financially. I have taken complete control of the finances but that is overwhelming too when you have a partner that isn't active at all! He seems to live almost in a dream world on some levels. Like looking at homes when there is no way of buying any time soon. Or a few months ago when I found out that he was not funding any retirement through his work I was under the impression he was and because I didn't take his hand and do it for him it didn't happen. He is almost 40 and we have no savings or retirement. 

I have said for the past couple of months(usually starting a fight) that if he didn't take care of this thing with the IRS and it resulted in a garnishment I was done! The last 2 day s have been almost numbing like I have hit rock bottom. It isn't a maturity thing with him. It just is who he is and isn't probably going to change. We are members of a social club that was having a big family event across town. When all this happen with the IRS I was planning on not going so we could save the gas. He decided that it was OK to drive around 30-40 miles round trip because it's not that much gas! His main reason was that he had made a commitment and didn't want to let people down. He is very good at keeping commitments to this group It blew up in a argument and to say the least I didn't go but he did. When I said I was done and didn't think I could do this anymore all he can ever say is that means I don't love him! It almost seems like a cope out! Which isn't true I do love him which makes this harder.

It is sad because we really can't afford to not be married but I am ready to walk away. I feel like I am in a cycle that is not going to get better. That I just need to really struggle for a short time being a single mom to see ensure my future is good. It hurts to even type that. I just don't know what to do at this point. When our girls were little it was easier but now that they are all older they can see how the financially issues are impacting.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

A lot of men have a problem have a problem "seeing" when their spouse is unhappy with something. It may just view it as you "always nag about money" and thinks it is just normal behavior for you. Sometimes when you leave, or a ask for a divorce they "see the light" and are willing to make big changes. $40k to support a family of 5 is not a lot. You obviously have difficult choices to make. In most every state you can't force a spouse out of the marital house. You would have to move out first to go to court for post separation support and to make claims for child support, alimony, ED. Its obviously going to be huge financial strain for both of you. Your pretty much going to have to get a job, so maybe you want to start looking. Sounds like you have school age children and your never going to be able to count on your husband to support your family, so you need to be working or going back to school.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Is your husband willing to seek counselling (both marital and financial) with you to address these problems? If he is, that would be a good start and would give you some time to assess whether he is truly trying to change. If he is unwilling, you would be able to see your future stretched out in front of you (and it will look exactly like your past.)


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## drmmommy (Apr 16, 2012)

My hubby does the same thing with the IRS...luckily I was able to set up a payment plan with them for our 2009 and 2010 back taxes...but he still got his wages garnished by the state tax people. My husband makes about the same as yours, I stay at home with our special needs son, and he blows a little money all the time, and it sure adds up quick. I guess I don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you you're not alone and it sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

You are not his mother. Stop playing that role. I speak from experience - I looked after all the finances for almost our entire relationship. I felt used and taken advantage of to say the least. Every time we ran out of money it was my fault, not his or our combined spending habits.

Somehow I managed to get it through to him, I think it was discussing my feelings of insecurity and being used, and when I pointed out how all the big purchases/plans I made were about us whereas his were about him. That he was not putting his family first - he couldn't deny the evidence.

It comes down to opening up the communication paths...unfortunately some husbands won't "get it" until its too late. I hope yours is not one of them. Mine almost was...but we are starting to come back from the brink. Lots of hard work, counselling etc (slowlygettingwiser knows what s/he is talking about) and we are moving towards a reconciliation. 

I wish you well.


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