# So for men not in love....wife wins you back how?



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

What could your wife do to make you fall in love again? Since you all communicate differently, I understand some of your responses and others I dont... So I was thinking, if a wife is feeling something is amiss, notices the little things (nor the big things) are being done anymore. What would you MEN, like to see from your wives for you to be won back.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Being honest and faithful. Attending to my needs and thanking me for attending to hers. Being honest and faithful. Taking care of herself to be healthy and the same as when we met (illness is an exception). Being honest and faithful. Doing the little things that show she is thinking of me. Being honest and faithful........


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> Being honest and faithful. Attending to my needs and thanking me for attending to hers. Being honest and faithful. Taking care of herself to be healthy and the same as when we met (illness is an exception). Being honest and faithful. Doing the little things that show she is thinking of me. Being honest and faithful........


Were you cheated on?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

1. Start acting your age and not like a 12 year old. I know that you think that acting like an adolescent is fun, but it's not endearing. 
2. Quit *****ing at me about feeding the kids, my driving, etc. I sometimes hate to go with you anywhere because you'll make a federal case when I don't park where you think I should park or don't see a spot open up on the other side (I'm driving, remember?). I also hate to come home sometimes because I know that you'll be *****y because the kids have been whiny and it's somehow my fault (my having to work is obviously the reason)
3. Let me know that you'd like to have sex on occasion. I know that you have trouble with the big O, but let me try to get you there. Instead, all I hear is "I'm so tired" that I don't even bother.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> What could your wife do to make you fall in love again? Since you all communicate differently, I understand some of your responses and others I dont... So I was thinking, if a wife is feeling something is amiss, notices the little things (nor the big things) are being done anymore. What would you MEN, like to see from your wives for you to be won back.


Ask directly what is going on. Be specific. Ask him what he wants you to do. Explicitly. We are not mind readers. If there is something bothering you, say so in the clearest terms possible.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Were you cheated on?


Much the same as me, he's the wrong guy to ask, for obvious reasons.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

For me...it would have helped me to reconnect with her if I could tell she considered me more. When I come home from rough day she is there to support me, but usually I would come home to a trainwreck where she doesn't bother to look nice, is pissed off about something, and then just dumps on me all this negativity. I always initiated backrubs and massages for her (and no, not just for the explicit purpose of sex), but she has NEVER done the same, never worked hard at looking nice except for reason of looking good in class or at work...but never JUST FOR ME. I have to be honest, I am not a demanding or hugely needing person, but her lack of hospitality towards me or towards others really burned me...especially when I have been constantly hospitable to her. I guess this is sounding more like the previous "what made you lose love" thread then that what can she do...so...to clarify:
*Consider me, not bow down to me, but be considerate and attentive...telling me in some tangible way that you care.
*Understand I have my limitations too...know that I get tired, exhausted, scared about things, overwhelmed...and I need to vent these things in a safe place too. Let me be myself without it triggering your security, forcing you to nag me, berate me.
*Look at you own responsibilities...and take charge of managing your own emotions...not blaming me for everything gone wrong.
*Step into your femininity. I am attracted to take-charge women, don't get me wrong...but it is a turn on when a female is in touch with her fem-side, looking nice, smelling nice, not for purpose of manipulation or looking for attention outside the marriage, but is bringing and expressing that femininity towards me. Being a woman...not a girl.
*This is number one for me. Being hospitable towards others...treating others how you want to be treated. Nothing is more of a deal-breaker then a shallow, entitled, cynical, bitter, manipulative, conspicuous consumer...someone who doesn't think about others. It would spur much love and respect within me to be with a women who can extend herself into the lives other other through service, graciousness, relational-building...taking into consideration of utilizing her circle of influence.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Were you cheated on?


In every LTR I've ever been in.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

hookares said:


> Much the same as me, he's the wrong guy to ask, for obvious reasons.


Naw, I gave an honest response. I really do think that has helped me fall in love with my WW after the smoke cleared, dust settled, and things got out in the open. 

In past LTRs, I never stayed past the betrayal. This one's different, and I'm committed to the marriage, as is she (now).


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> In every LTR I've ever been in.


What did you do wrong? And was there something about your people picker, or the particular environment that you were in which made cheating more likely?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Two words: admiration and affection. 

Guys like to be the hero. They really like to be appreciated for what they do. Especially in public.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Have my back...be supportive....be encouraging....take interest in me and the things important to me. I'm not saying be fake, a doormat or over the top. If the communication in the marriage is good then ask, listen and act upon what you hear. The underlying assumption here is that he's a good guy and worth making the effort for.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I had to see the love and excitement to be with me in her eyes. I had to know that she understood my needs. I had to know she accepted my faults as my problems and not hers. I had to be able to trust her judgement when I wasn't around.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Win me back...... for me, it’s not as hard as one might assume. I can tell you when the spark is rekindled. It starts with you just being you. That is exactly who I fell in love with all those years ago. You are insane... and I accept that insanity. Not perfect, just perfectly you. 

Where my wife screws up is using a mask. The mask is her version of herself based on whomever she is addressing (she becomes someone she believes you’d like). It’s about the reflection of herself in your eyes. Why I proposed had to do with her dropping the mask because it she no longer had to ‘fake it’ with me and could be herself flaws and all. That deeper level of understanding of each other where nothing needed to be hidden. 

When I found myself outside her personal bubble... I just accepted those terms. Her and I instead of “two souls joined as one” kind of love. I don’t care if give him every thing he’s ever desired in a woman... if you are ‘faking it for him’ or withhold things about yourself (like holding your tongue), he’ll sniff it out. False idols are hard to fall in love with. Doormats are hard to hold in high regard.

Start there... my ‘spark’ moments are those rare times she isn’t trying to be something (like good wife, good lover, etc.) and just being herself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

At this point, no way in hell. Sometimes the best thing is for the wife to move on.


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> 1. Start acting your age and not like a 12 year old. I know that you think that acting like an adolescent is fun, but it's not endearing.
> 2. Quit *****ing at me about feeding the kids, my driving, etc. I sometimes hate to go with you anywhere because you'll make a federal case when I don't park where you think I should park or don't see a spot open up on the other side (I'm driving, remember?). I also hate to come home sometimes because I know that you'll be *****y because the kids have been whiny and it's somehow my fault (my having to work is obviously the reason)
> 3. Let me know that you'd like to have sex on occasion. I know that you have trouble with the big O, but let me try to get you there. Instead, all I hear is "I'm so tired" that I don't even bother.


:smthumbup: here here! :iagree:


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

You are all offering great input, and totally varied responses, I hope more women, in addition to me are reading...


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Two words: admiration and affection.
> 
> Guys like to be the hero. They really like to be appreciated for what they do. Especially in public.


Amazingly simple... yet, so darn difficult for some.

In the last two years I have lost nearly 100 pounds. I have gone from a serious fatty to a half marathoner who is now seriously considering an Ironman... my wife has never offered one word of praise... ETA- That's not completely fair, she was there for the end of my first few races and my first half, but not really any words.

I train seven days a week, I'm a better father than I have ever been, and she seems indifferent...

Oh well, I've quit doing this in any way for her, it's for me and my kids

If she said she was proud of me or that I look better than ever- I would probably faint.


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Being honest and faithful. Attending to my needs and thanking me for attending to hers. Being honest and faithful. Taking care of herself to be healthy and the same as when we met (illness is an exception). Being honest and faithful. Doing the little things that show she is thinking of me. Being honest and faithful........


What if she has been honest and faithful and she does all of the things that she use to do and she just gets pushed away? What if the sweet things that you once adored about her now annoy you? 180?


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Ask directly what is going on. Be specific. Ask him what he wants you to do. Explicitly. We are not mind readers. If there is something bothering you, say so in the clearest terms possible.


What if he can't say specifically what he wants because he's fine with everything and I'm not? What if no matter how much I try to express myself I go unheard?

For me, I'm getting to the point where my emotions are coming out as anger. I've shared, expressed, hell I've vomitted what I'm feeling. I get an I'm sorry baby or I'll do anything to make it better, blah, blah, blah. 

At this point I no longer feel the need to share. So when I see him or feel him neglecting, and he knows how his actions are going to make me feel, I just shut down. I'm p1ssed off, I keep my distance from him and I go on about my day. Mad. As. H3ll. I don't yell, or nag, or throw things but the vibe I send him is definitely not good. 

I know this is not going to change, improve, or fix anything. But what the h3ll else do you do?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> You are all offering great input, and totally varied responses, I hope more women, in addition to me are reading...


I'm reading. But you do have to know your mate. Some of the things that men say about how they are on TAM end up being right on point with how my H is. Some of those I had no idea until a man said it here. But then other he is completely on the other side of the fence of how men say they are or what they want. 

He's probably 50 percent typical man and 50 percent don't fit the mold at all.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I'm not sure if she can.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

BruisedGirl said:


> What if no matter how much I try to express myself I go unheard?


Leaving him will improve his hearing.


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Agree. I lost my husbands in love feelings due to my own ignorance about men and relationships. I got it back but it took a very long time. Most here told me it couldn't be done so I'm guessing its rare. I did do it but it took a lot of work on my part.
> 
> Ironically what pushed over the last domino was when I set him free. I came to a place where I chose to love him AS IS with no changes. It was all about my attitude. He didn't want to go that extra mile and I was okay with that. I was going to love him anyway.
> 
> Yeah that worked.


Is that not settling though? I mean depending on the changes I guess. 

Do you still go the extra mile?


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

She has to show desire that she wants to be here. I do love her in a true deep sense of the word. However, I don't really like her much.

Things I would need:
Show respect for me and what I provide for the family. (She is a SAHM who has a nanny 2 days / week, cleaners 2x per month, and we eat out nearly every meal - I have been dieting for a competition so my eating is challenging at this point in time)

Show interest in me physically. I get more attention from random females than my wife will ever give me. She does not feel any physical attention is ever warranted in a relationship so she doesn't want to provide it.

In the rare cases when we have sex, actually get into it and let yourself enjoy it.

I don't feel that is too much to ask. But it is too much for her to want to give. Oh well. I love my kids and don't want to destroy our home because of a failing intimate relationship.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I'm reading. But you do have to know your mate. Some of the things that men say about how they are on TAM end up being right on point with how my H is. Some of those I had no idea until a man said it here. But then other he is completely on the other side of the fence of how men say they are or what they want.
> 
> He's probably 50 percent typical man and 50 percent don't fit the mold at all.


I didn't understand or respect as much the female side of it. I don't know why, I did not accept it's the same thing no matter what the gender.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Meet me half way, in everything. Make it a true partnership or lose my respect.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Leaving him will improve his hearing.


This is partially true. If you're being clingy, stop. If you're doing your best, and he's not seeing it from up close, he WILL likely see it from afar.

Also, as mentioned previously, if you're nagging him...stop. He's not a child. He never signed you on to be his mother. Some guys have great difficulty nipping this behavior in the bud (I personally do not). Stop taking him for granted and getting flustered with him, or pointing out his faults, or nagging him.

Stop treating him like a roommate.

Start initiating sex with him. And really want it.

And, again, don't be clingy. At least for me, one of the biggest turn offs to me is a woman who wants to tell me dozens of times a day she loves me. Or a woman who can't stand to be away from me. Pull away a little bit. Have your own life. Keep me interested and on my toes.

To sum up:

-Look good. Not just for me, but for yourself and everyone else.
-Take care of yourself.
-Have interests outside of me.
(The above three things not only attract you to ME, but also attract you to OTHER MEN and / or give you the opportunity to MEET other men. If I want to KEEP you, and keep your attention on ME, I'd better be "on my toes"...right?)
-Desire to have sex with me...and show it.
-Don't smother me. 
-Make me "work" for you a little bit. I should be "on my toes" in order to keep you.
-You're not my mother. So don't act like it.
-You're not my roommate. So don't act like that either.
-Allow me to be a man. I'm not a woman. I don't think like you. Stop thinking that's a character flaw of MINE.
-Appreciate me. Don't just tell me...show me.
-Have patience at all times. Not because I'm a man and because I'll do things your woman brain does not understand, but rather because you're supposed to love and cherish me. You wouldn't talk too your mother / father / best friend like that, right? So don't do it to me either.

It's a "push-pull" balance that can be hard to really nail down. But, at least if you try, you're way ahead of most who do not get that concept. Try different "push-pull" things, WITHOUT being b!tchy, disrespectful, complacent, or taking me for granted, and you're well on your way to keeping me hugely attracted to you as a female.


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