# Texting Cheating Lying Trifecta



## larman1964 (Jan 14, 2010)

Here is my situation. I have been married for 22 years and have 5 children. From the beginning of my relationship with her we have had our ups and downs. While we were dating she cheated on me twice. While we were married she has cheated (no sex) kissing once that I am aware of. I actually caught her in the act and beat the crap out of the guy. Turns out he was her boss and a "friend" of mine. Man it is a long story. I cannot possibly put in all the details.

We went to therapy we got over the situation with the boss, so I thought. Although she has had no contact with him ( he no longer is her boss) she still is being deceptive. 

1. She deletes all her texts except for ones from me or my kids. When I ask her why she says "they fill out so quick I have to make room"

2. Recently, I caught her red handed sending a topless pic to someone that she knew from High School. When confronted she said that she just contacted him on classmates.com and they started to text and he made fun of her breasts and ask were they still small like they were in high school so she had to prove they were larger. As I write this I realize how pathetic this all sounds. She appologized to me.

3. She still is texting and deleting on a daily basis with another male coworker, and other men.

Let me just start by saying she has limited time to do anything physical with anyone. I cannot 100% rule it out. I can no longer take this to be honest. I need to either fix this or be gone. I have zero self esteam and I dont think I could leave. She says she loves me and that she is sorry for hurting me.

She had a horrific childhood with abuse etc. I dont want to make excuses but she had it bad as a child.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Bad childhood or not, what she's doing is unacceptable as a wife. It's violating the bond of trust that a married couple is supposed to maintain.

I think a frank discussion on why she feels she needs to send these kinds of texts is in order. Put the shoe on the opposite foot and ask her how she would feel if she caught you doing the same thing. 

Perhaps some counseling also to help her deal with any issues that remain from her childhood.


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## larman1964 (Jan 14, 2010)

She did go to therapy for a few sessions. The counselor recommended she write her mother a letter and give it to her. She couldnt do it. I am at a point now where I must do something, I will talk to her again.


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

Wow, talk about intense sexual attraction for men that act like men. 

Sucks to be you right now, been there man....


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

get out when ur last kid turns 18!, get checked for an STD


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Bad childhood or not doesn't excuse what she's done in the past or what she's doing now.. I had a bad childhood but I can promise you if I cheated on my fiance she would call bull**** on using that as a excuse (Sorry to be blunt) You need to talk to her about boundaries which clearly she either doesn't have or perhaps more to the point doesn't want to have .. Whether someone in school said she had no chest or not that's the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard.. I'm sorry I know you love her but man this sounds like a bad situation for you


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## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

How is your relationship outside of these discretions? I ask because if everything else is good, you may be able to work past this issue. You said that she has cheated in the past and you were able to reconcile. Maybe you have to discuss the parameters of your relationaship and design very specific guidelines in your relationship. Everyone has a different setup and sometimes the agreement that you had in the beginning changes. Talk to her and have a discussion on your wants and needs. Then go from there. Not everyone breaks up because of infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Sounds like her childhood demons may be coming back to haunt her. I've gone through that with my exwife, know the whole story.

Here's the thing that has taken me years to understand and accept: 

Assuming that her crazy, inappropriate, cheating behavior is caused by a f*cked up childhood, abuse, etc, and isn't just a weak character, then you can feel empathetic and forgiveness for her, but her behavior is still going to hurt you, if you let it. And explainable or not, the bottom line is that she's not much of a wife to you, and probably never will be again. 

She has to want to change in order to address her demons. Right now she doesn't. Probably your only play here is to confront her and say, this **** stops or the marriage ends. And by stopping, that means NO MORE deleting texts, NO MORE secrecy, she COMES CLEAN on anything that has already happened, etc. 

Just try to be fine either way. 

Sorry bud. It sucks.


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Whoa--whether she has problems or not you are just in for one world of hurt after another. Cut your losses and know that you can't fix everything in life and you aren't responsible for everyone's bad behavior--even your spouse.

My wife didn't do anything as bad as yours but I had to make a decision and the decision was that she and we had to make changes or cut ties and move along. Sometimes you have to cut your losses.

Good luck man.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She sounds like a classic example of what happens when girls are abused: they very, very often become promiscuous. She isn't with one OM; she's actively pursuing more than one--not your normal "straying." If she or you are not aware of sexual abuse in her past, consider it, and she definitely needs therapy--a lot of it.

As for you: get counseling to work on your self-esteem. Learn to understand that the trauma of abuse is beyond your control--her behavior is NO reflection on you. It does not mean you are not attractive in the least. You could be perfect--look like Brad Pitt, have the money of Bill Gates, the wisdom of Gandhi, etc.--and she would still cheat. 

Once you get to that point, you can decide if you are willing to let her work through issues in therapy--with rules, like she must go weekly for X number of sessions/years (consult the therapist). You can also set ground rules about what she can/should do with her inappropriate urges--she'll need to channel that anxious energy somewhere. Sexual role play might be a good choice. 

I am not in any way excusing her behavior, but if she had sexual abuse in her past, this is not your normal marital breakdown and the game plan has to be different. It is the type of situation where one person IS making most of the errors, and marital counseling won't help if she doesn't fix herself first. You will need to make changes as a couple, eventually, because your old dynamic won't work anymore if she becomes more mentally healthy, but she has to get there, or at least be on her way, first. 

God bless, and don't beat up yourself. She sounds like she really needs help. You can choose to wait while she gets it, or not. No one has the right to judge you either way. If you want to save the marriage, it's a long row to hoe. If not, you have every right to move on, too.


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## Bemmer Nut (Feb 9, 2010)

Whoo Dude, I thought I had problems, but they're no where near what you're dealing with. As sad as it may sound, you need to get away from that woman ... NOW!


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