# no sex



## mommabearoftwo (May 15, 2011)

I am a stay at home mom with a 1 year old and a 2 year old kids. I have been with the husband for 4 years. We had sexual passion before the babies are sex life was perfect. Then I got pregant it was a high risk pregancy so no sex. After are first one sex die down a lot. Then I got pregant with are second. It was a high risk pregancy also that means no sex. Then I was taking care of 2 small very needed children. I have no sex drive at all. I feel over welmed, streesed out and the last thing I want to be touched by someone else. The husband is very frusteraded he does not feel loved because he has not been touched since we made are last one. How can we turn this around. I don't want a sexless marriage.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

If the youngest is only a year old (or so), that's still very young and maybe not at all surprising that your sex drive is minimal. 


mommabearoftwo said:


> I have no sex drive at all. I feel over welmed, streesed out and _the last thing I want to be touched by someone else. _


 and


> I don't want a sexless marriage.


My emphasis. Basically, you change the first bit, or you have to accept the second bit. Given time, patience and effort, it OUGHT to come back (it's still very soon) but kudos to you for seeing the signs and being proactive. 

Can't offer any more insight, since this sort of time scale was my experience, but it DID get better again with my W.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

It is not uncommon for a woman's sex drive to plummet or even go away for a period of time after childbirth - and you have had two babies in fairly close order! Is it normal not to want sex after having a baby? | BabyCenter

I had a high risk pregnancy with my last and I know what it's like to have to go an extended period of time without having any. I did try to supplement my H with other 'manual' means during that time.

I think that a lot of new moms get really wrapped up in their new babies, their 'new' bodies, and their fatigue so that it is easy to forget about their poor husbands. While I agree that this time of a couple's life requires patience on both parent's part, for myself, I pushed myself after my last was born to resume some level of intimacy with my H. It was worth it. He was so relieved (not just in a physical sense, but in the sense that he knew I cared about him too.) It really helped.

I am sure that others will comment that you should get proper rest, have your H help you so that you have time to rest and time to yourself, but ultimately, you will have to make the decision to just be intimate with your H. I know what it is like to have low or no desire. The sex does get easier the more you do it and the more time that passes. As they say, even the longest of days will come to an end.


Congratulations on your babies!


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## mommabearoftwo (May 15, 2011)

My husband is about to be done with this relationship if the sex does not change soon. All the doctors tell me it takes time but time is not on my side. We have had a hard marriage for the start. How do I get the sex drive back. I am willing to take sex drive pills at this point to jump start it back up

Any ideas


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think a solution to this problem is going to require the assistance of both you and your husband. It's not just your problem. Talk to him and remind him that you're also frustrated and you miss sex and intimacy, too. Assure him that you're not satisfied with the frequency of sex, either and you are going to work hard with him to fix the problem. Now, I know it sounds unromantic, but schedule time to have sex. You have many things to do and if you don't schedule it, it probably won't happen. Your husband needs to understand that the stress of dealing with two small kids is preventing you from having sex with him. He can help you feel in the mood by sharing some of the child care duties and giving you more time to relax (especially before sex). Right now, both of you seem to be looking at this situation as a problem you have that you need to fix. This is just one of many problems couples will face and overcoming the problem together will bring you two closer together.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

mommabearoftwo said:


> My husband is about to be done with this relationship if the sex does not change soon. All the doctors tell me it takes time but time is not on my side. We have had a hard marriage for the start. How do I get the sex drive back. I am willing to take sex drive pills at this point to jump start it back up
> 
> Any ideas


Unfortunately, there are no pills that a woman can take to make her sex drive magically come back. Imagine the bonanza pharmaceutical companies would make if there were!  Even the ubiquitous Viagra/Cialis/etc. for men does not affect drive, just the mechanics. Drive is as much a mental as a physical state, I think. Right now, your physical state is recovering from the upheaval of having babies. Unfortunately, it does take time for that to recover. But, I totally agree with unbelievable's comment, that you may just need to schedule some time for sex with your husband. That is the mental part - you can still have intimacy with your husband even though your drive is not where you would like it to be. Here's is what I did after our last was born - and I had no desire at all:

* I would randomly touch my H throughout the day - put my hand on his back and stroke, touch his hand, lean my head on his shoulder. It helped that my H is also a random toucher.

* I would try to make sure that we had some amount of time, even though it might have been small, after the baby was in bed, to just sit down with him on the sofa and talk and/or cuddle. I wanted to focus some amount of dedicated time to him.

* When he would make a move, I would be receptive (difficult at times because sometimes I was really tired, but I wanted to do it for him and our relationship at that point).

* I tried not to talk about it too much, or complain about things too much. It was pretty obvious that I was somehow frazzled - that is to be expected.

* We tried to encourage each other and be supportive.


Search the internet or bookstores and do some reading. See how normal you are, and try to start taking some steps with your H no matter how small. Here's a place where you can start: Sex after Pregnancy: Relationships, Sex and Intimacy after Childbirth

You don't mention what you are doing for birth control at this point. But if you are on any type of hormonal bc it can also really depress your drive. You may want to see your doctor and discuss that if that is the case.


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

This is not just your issue. You have a lot on your plate and I am sure your hormones are crazy. What would help more is for him not to pressure you but focus on helping you with the house and kids. It would also help if he gave you compliments on how your look, dress, ect. If you feel attractive to him, then it makes you more in the sexual mood. Even him just reaching out and grabbing your hand when you are in the car (non sexual touching) helps crearte your want/need for sex. Read the book *His Needs, Her Needs* and get your husband to read it too. I am sure he thinks he is doing the right things to put you in the mood or help you get your sex drive back, but he will probably be suprised to find out what you really need. You will definitely be suprised at his top five needs. The number one need for most men is sex and this is because it is how they feel loved. We are opposite in that we need to feel loved in order to need sex. The same author also wrote a book called *Love Busters* which I also found helpful. Let me know if you can't find the author. I read some of the info online as well because he has a website with a lot of free info on it. Good Luck!


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