# I just can't get over him



## mads80 (Jun 16, 2015)

About 9 months ago my husband and i finally separated. Things had not been right for a while and it was a mutual agreement. The last thing i wanted to do after us separating was meet someone else, but it happened. It all started out very friendly, but as time went on i started to grow feelings for him. He too had been through a separation and divorce so he became someone i confided in and felt he understood going through it all.

So for a while we would meet up for drinks or dinner. He told me he was very attracted to me physically but did not see relationship potential and just wanted to be friends. I said i understood and thought he may just be letting me down easy, but he still continued to talk to me.

After a while i started to sleep with him. I liked him so much that i caved and was hoping he may want to be with me. I know this never works with guys, but i felt so into him it was like temporarily being with him in the moment. I would stay over, we would cuddle and watch movies and he even said to me you know this isn't just about sex for me and he hoped i knew he cared more for me than my ex ever did. 

Things were going okay for a few weeks and then i found out he had slept with someone else. He never actually admitted it, but i found out from someone else who knew him in a pure fluke situation. It was a mutual friend we had that we didn't even know we had until later on. It upset me because he told me that he wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else even though we were having casual sex, and if he was he would let me know, but i was the only one he was and wanted to sleep with.

A few weeks into us sleeping together, i told him i was falling in love with him and i still continued sleeping with him because i was too weak to stop it. I had never felt this way about anyone before. How much i liked him, i felt inferior around him, nervous. I have never experienced it before in my life.

The last time we slept together was strange. I stayed over but he didn't cuddle and wasn't affectionate like usual. Something seemed very off and this was the first time i ever felt like it was casual sex and it made me feel cheap. After he told me that he didn't think we should sleep together anymore because of my feelings and he didn't want anything with anyone for a while, even casual sex. 

He always told me before we had sex we were friends and the friendship came first, but when the sex ended we never hung out as friends. He would always say he was just busy and stuff and we would hang out if i stopped nagging him about not hanging out. We got into an argument because i felt like he used me for sex and was using us being "friends" as a way to not sound so harsh about not wanting sex. I have a lot going on in my life but i was always there for him. I would ask how he was and he would just answer but not ask how i was, same when i asked about his plans for the weekend. He never showed any interest in how i was as an actual friend.

After our argument we didn't talk for a few days and then i asked how he was, he said he was fine and asked how i was, but he just seemed distant still. We didn't talk like before and i missed it because regardless of my feelings, he was the only one who knew so much about things going on in my personal life. I told him i missed how we used to chat and didn't feel like we were even friends. I felt like since we stopped having sex he didn't particularly care to speak to me anymore, but of course it was more of the same thing. He just told me he was busy a lot.

So after 2 weeks of not talking we spoke again. He told me since we last spoke he had met someone. He said he really liked her and they had been on dates and things were going really well. I thought after a break of not talking to him i may have been alright, but it really hurt hearing that. I acted like i was okay with it, but i wasn't. 

A few days passed and i sent him a message saying that i can't do this. I have been trying to rebuild our friendship and miss talking daily but i don't think it is going to be that way anymore. I told him honestly that the thought of him with someone else hurts me and i can't take seeing pictures of him and some other girl on social media etc so i think i need to defriend him, but i wish him well with him and his new woman. 

He came back and said that he thinks he just needs to remove himself from me completely because this is a cycle and is stupid and he wished me well too but then blocked me. I feel like the only way to truly move on was to stop talking to him, and i kept going back to talking because i didn't have the strength to move on, but after everything i feel like him blocking me was a bit of a smack in the face and permanent and has really hurt me. I feel totally used and was there for him so much as a friend and i gave so much. I know that having casual sex with him was on me as i knew he didn't want more, but with all the lies he told and feeling like he used the friendship as a way to reassure me sex wouldn't ruin it and we should do it basically just makes me feel like he manipulated me to try and get what he wants.

So now i am very hurt. I am trying to move on but it is so hard. I try and talk to other guys but i just don't feel the spark or chemistry that i felt with him. I feel like i am never going to meet anyone i like like i liked him and i can't help but constantly think about him still.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

A couple questions.

Was this a 'trial' separation with your husband or was it the waiting period before a divorce? 

Were you both free and clear and honest about dating?

A comment:

You just had a rebound relationship. The rebound relationship usually doesn't work out. Let him go.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You agreed to a FWB relationship with him. I don't think they work out well when one person starts out with feelings, hoping they will develop for the other person. It didn't happen for you, sorry. 

You will get over it. Stop thinking he should be handling things differently. The things he said to get you into bed were just that, things that people say but don't mean. Just take the lesson from this and move on, let the guy go. Trying to hang on to the "friendship" is only going to cause more pain.


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## mads80 (Jun 16, 2015)

My husband and i are now divorced. We were both very unhappy in the relationship and just stayed together longer than we should have. The feelings for this new guy just happened. I definitely wasn't looking for anything when my husband and i separated, but i legitimately grew major feelings for this other guy. I am trying to move on and let him go, but i just can't seem to.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

See a psychologist. You need to build your self esteem and stop chasing unavailable men. You are going to destroy yourself and whatever is left of your dignity. This man is not into you. He has done everything to cut you out of his life. Move on.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

whatever you do, do NOT reach out to this guy again. whatever blame there is to place is irrelevant, the bottom line is that it is over; he is simply not interested in you. 

I know that hurts, but you have to...please...NOT contact him. 

If he contacts you do not agree to be friends and do not drop everything, put your life on hold, etc., for him. He may contact you when his relationship is over, it is pretty common.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

mads80 said:


> So for a while we would meet up for drinks or dinner. *He told me he was very attracted to me physically but did not see relationship potential and just wanted to be friends.* I said i understood and thought he may just be letting me down easy, *but he still continued to talk to me.*
> 
> After a while i started to sleep with him. I liked him so much that i caved and was hoping he may want to be with me. *I know this never works with guys*, but i felt so into him it was like temporarily being with him in the moment.





mads80 said:


> * I feel totally used* and was there for him so much as a friend and i gave so much. I know that having casual sex with him was on me as i knew he didn't want more, but with all the lies he told and feeling like he used the friendship as a way to reassure me sex wouldn't ruin it and we should do it basically just makes me feel *like he manipulated me to try and get what he wants.*


Guys do this all the time. 

Just because you fall for someone does not make them good.

He will probably hit you up for a booty call at some point, especially if his takes a break with his current squeeze... "I just called to see how you are doing, I really miss you and feel bad just cutting you off like that" wham bam thank you ma'am.


He set a clear standard (No relationship potential), baited the hook with kindness/support/connection and let you cross the line, then you are the "bad guy" not him.

Let your respect for him slip and your feelings will follow.

Many women would not be able to resist and would answer his booty call.

I am sorry and I wish you well.
Take care!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He said from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship. It was just sex for him. You hoped he would change his mind but he didn't. Now you're stuck with feelings for him and he's moved on. Stop contacting him. Tell yourself that under no circumstances can you stay in touch because it doesn't benefit you. Focus on you. Stay away from guys for awhile. It will take time (maybe a lot of time) but you'll get over him eventually. View him as a lesson learned.


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## mads80 (Jun 16, 2015)

I know he never wanted a relationship with me, but i just hate how he used friendship as a way to sleep with me, when sleeping with me was all he really wanted. He also lied about sleeping with others amongst other things. I don't really wish to contact him as i know it won't help me move on. However, i am still left with hurt and feeling like i will never feel this way for someone again.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

mads80 said:


> I am trying to move on and let him go, but i just can't seem to.


Time. Keep busy and give it time. It'll fade.


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## mads80 (Jun 16, 2015)

There is also a good possibility we could run into each other. I have wondered if we do if i should just ignore him or be polite, not that it changes much. I just figured running into him with his new girl could be tough. We go to some of the same bars etc. I have stayed away from them for a bit because of everything that happened recently, but i don't feel like i should avoid places i like to go to forever because of him


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

You keep going everywhere you usually go. You just ignore him if you see him or use seeing him as a cue to move on to the next place. The feelings go away with time if you let them. The longer you focus on them, the longer you'll draw it out.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

mads80 said:


> There is also a good possibility we could run into each other. I have wondered if we do if i should just ignore him or be polite, not that it changes much. I just figured running into him with his new girl could be tough. We go to some of the same bars etc. I have stayed away from them for a bit because of everything that happened recently, but i don't feel like i should avoid places i like to go to forever because of him


Then you smile, say hello if you're in close proximity, and be gracious. Then move on. Stay classy and ladylike.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

mads80 said:


> My husband and i are now divorced. We were both very unhappy in the relationship and just stayed together longer than we should have. The feelings for this new guy just happened. I definitely wasn't looking for anything when my husband and i separated, but i legitimately grew major feelings for this other guy. I am trying to move on and let him go, but i just can't seem to.


You didn't really answer the question. 

When you separated, was it a trial separation or an "I need to clear my head" separation? Did you mutually agree when you separated to see other people?

Why I ask this is to see if you walked away from any potential reconciliation because you knowingly or unknowingly hung your future on a relationship with this guy. 

And guilt from that is part of the equation. Because it sure doesn't seem like he ever offered you anything but a casual **** buddy relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mads80 (Jun 16, 2015)

We both agreed it was over and are now divorced. It was 100 percent mutual that we weren't going to be staying together.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He told you he didn't want a relationship with you. You choose to sleep with him knowing that. That's the difference between men and women, men have no trouble sleeping with a women without getting emotionally involved where women usually can't. Stay single and work on yourself and next time you meet a man don't sleep with him until you have a ring on your finger.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Happilymarried25 said:


> He told you he didn't want a relationship with you. You choose to sleep with him knowing that. That's the difference between men and women, men have no trouble sleeping with a women without getting emotionally involved where women usually can't. Stay single and work on yourself and next time you meet a man don't sleep with him until you have a ring on your finger.


Don't agree man.

I've had FWB situations and had me be the one to start to have feelings.

The problem is the 'F' part of FWBs. Given that my wife should also be my friend, and I have sex with her... 

Well, that's awfully close to a relationship.


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## mads80 (Jun 16, 2015)

I don't agree either. I know he was straight about not wanting a relationship so sleeping with him knowing this was my fault. The part i am upset about is that i thought we were friends but i feel he just used this title to get sex. He was never really a friend to me and lied about a lot. If he turned around and ended up wanting a relationship that would have been great and i hoped for that, but doubted it would happen.

Also, never say never but i don't know if i will ever get married again. I don't think you need a ring on your finger to have sex with someone. I will never have a FWB relationship again, but don't agree that the only way i will have sex again is with a ring on my finger! That is my view though. This post was really about how i can't seem to get over him and ways to try.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

mads80 said:


> I don't agree either. I know he was straight about not wanting a relationship so sleeping with him knowing this was my fault. The part i am upset about is that i thought we were friends but i feel he just used this title to get sex. He was never really a friend to me and lied about a lot. If he turned around and ended up wanting a relationship that would have been great and i hoped for that, but doubted it would happen.


It could be something very different.

It could be that he felt guilt/pressure once you told him about your feelings, and he couldn't reciprocate them.

It could be that he also had feelings for you, and just doesn't want to get into a relationship with a woman 9 months out of a marriage. (been there, done that, train wreck).

It could also be that he just met this other woman, and frankly, is more into her right now than you. Or the timing is better.

At any rate, let him go. 

Who knows? You may run into him again someday, and the timing might be right for the both of you.

But I don't think it is for you right now.


> Also, never say never but i don't know if i will ever get married again. I don't think you need a ring on your finger to have sex with someone. I will never have a FWB relationship again, but don't agree that the only way i will have sex again is with a ring on my finger! That is my view though. This post was really about how i can't seem to get over him and ways to try.


I said the exact same thing! 

And then after dating like a madman, I said I would never even date again!

And the next day I met my wife.


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## mads80 (Jun 16, 2015)

Well i am not saying i won't ever, but i am not going to say i won't have sex again unless i have a ring on my finger. I know people prefer to do things that way which is fine, but i think that is a bit over the top lol. I don't see any issues having sex with someone i am in a relationship with. I told him from the beginning i liked him and even while sleeping with each other that i loved him. He told me he found me attractive but didn't feel a spark with us, so i just don't think he wanted a relationship with me personally.

I thought the blocking was a bit harsh, but maybe he did it for me. I couldn't seem to not message him due to my strong feelings.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he thought you would be more agreeable to having sex if he told you he wanted to be friends and it wasn't only about sex. He certainly isn't the first man to lie to get sex. Focus on you and making your life better. Eventually thoughts of him will fade away. 

Blocking you was predictable since you wouldn't quit contacting him. He did it for himself -- not you -- but it benefitted you too. Be glad he did.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

mads80 said:


> I don't agree either. I know he was straight about not wanting a relationship so sleeping with him knowing this was my fault. The part i am upset about is that i thought we were friends but i feel he just used this title to get sex.


Do you ordinarily sleep with your friends? Doubtful. He wasn't a regular friend. The bottom line is he wanted to have sex with you, you wanted to have sex with him, then you wanted a relationship and he didn't. You're hurt and trying to blame, it's understandable.

FWBs come in all varieties. In some cases, it's just someone you get along with and have great sex with - sex is primary, there is only a pseudo-friendship. In others, they're a true friend regardless of sex, and sex is secondary or incidental. 

If he was never really a friend to you, and that's important, why'd you sleep with him in the first place? You say he used the title of "friends" to get sex but then say he was never a friend to you. This doesn't really make sense.

The sooner you accept the whole thing was just sex, the better. The only misbehavior I can pin on him is lying about another partner. The next logical question to ask yourself is why stay obsessed with a man who lied to you? Is getting to stay with a liar a good thing?

Realize that's he's not worth being with anyway. Put him out of your mind and move on.


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