# I don't know what to do.



## ConfusedHusband (Jan 3, 2009)

Hi everyone. I found this website in hopes to find some other people who either feel the same way or have had similar situations. 

About 6 months ago I was lost my job of 9 years. It was very stressful. After I lost my job, I became depressed, in fear of not being able to find a new job and what to do financially. Recently I found a new job which is going well. My wife of 2 years has recently told me that I pushed her away during my hard times and that she is considering leaving. We have a 18month old litle girl and she has a 5 year old son from a previous marriage. I love them all and I just can't sit back and watch them leave me. I tears me up inside to think that I may lose everything. I told her I will do anything to not have her leave and that I was depressed and I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't talk to her about it because I didn't want to bring her down any more than what she already was. ANd I'm not the biggest talker to begin with. My dad always pressures me about financial and work things. And my mom lives in Colorado since the divorced when I was about 12. We have had financial troubles for a while but we stood by each other and I always tried to tell her things will work out. I don't know what to do anymore. I love her and the kids so much and I will do anything, anything to not have them leave. I know I wasn't the most reliabe person in the world when it came do taking care of things but I always tried to keep the house looking clean and always took care of everyone the best I could after work or on my days off. I'm ready to change but I fear it may be too late. Anyone have any advice or anything I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you


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## ScreamingInSilence (Oct 22, 2008)

Talk, talk, talk... and propose Therapy. Open up to her. 

She did married you for better and for worse though... so, remind her of that!

Good luck.


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## ConfusedHusband (Jan 3, 2009)

Thanks for the reply. I try everyday to keep thinking about it.... it's driving me crazy. I know she needs space now but I keep thinking that if I let her go, she wont want to come back to me. I just want to prove to her that I am changing and that I am willing to do the work. I know I can't go back and change the fact that I pushed her away, but I already told her, I can learn from what I did and not let it happen again. The thought of losing my family is far worse than stressing about a job or anything like that. I see them everyday and to not see them would kill me inside. I just don't think she can see what I went through from my point of view. She basically tells me that she was there for me and I didn't talk to her like I should have. But I didn't know how to talk about it. To anyone. I'm a guy after all. My dad was always working and he's all about work and money and getting things done. The last time I told him I loved him, he said ok. And my mom lives away now and started a new family. I don't know.


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## Susanne (Jan 5, 2009)

Talk to her, she is your partner in both the good and the bad times.
Tell her that if you ever get in the same situation again (or similar) thta you will talk to her about it.
There is nothing worse for a woman than when she feels left out in sonething which is that important.
Forget about your dad here a bit, it is about you and your wife, not him and you.
She is the one who will always stand by your side if you let her.

She is most likely hurt right now, so talk, talk and open up to her, just like you did here...

It gets easier for every time you do it


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## ConfusedHusband (Jan 3, 2009)

I understand. I wasn't really blaming my dad now, but possibly for how I act sometimes. I open up to her all the time...but sometimes it seems like she just doesn't want to hear about it anymore. I guess I wait and see what she decides. It's just hard to not show her love and affection now. But it seems like since I didn't show it before, then why do it now. I tell her everything about how I felt and how I feel now. I guess it's just a waiting game.....it's just really hard to deal with know how I treated her and I can't go back and fix it. 

Thanks for your reply. All advice right now helps I guess.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ConfusedHusband said:


> I guess it's just a waiting game.....it's just really hard to deal with know how I treated her and I can't go back and fix it.


It is a waiting game. it just takes time to heal. i think since she told you that she's 'thinking' of leaving, that she was really opening the door for you to show her you've changed. 

I dont think you should bottle up how you are feeling, though. it sounds like you went through some really hard times yourself, and that maybe she's being a little self-centered in all of this. 

My H is not a big talker either. at first it was hard for me and i started to think he didnt love me. but now i realize he just communicates differently then me. i still encourage him to talk to me, but i dont expect that to be his primary mode of communication. 

You might also consider getting the book _The Five Love Languages_. People like to be shown love in different ways and if you can identify what she likes your efforts will go farther.


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## ConfusedHusband (Jan 3, 2009)

I know its a waiting game...but I keep thinking she has her mind made up and I'm basically counting down the days till she leaves. I'm trying my best to give her her space, but at the same time, I want to make up for that lost time that I hurt her. So, what do I do???? One day I'm ok, then the next I'm worried about everything again. It's so hard to walk around the house and just talk like we are friends. I want to hug her and kiss her so bad but I don't want to smother her. And I tell her that I am willing to do anything it takes to work this out. I know and I told her that I know I can't go back and change what I did...but I can make sure I do not make the same mistakes again. But no one is perfect. I said, I want to start over, not at this second...but make steps to head down that path. I read somewhere someone said that once you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up, and thats what I want to work on doing. Not bringing up what happened in the past, but to build a new and improved life. And she says this isn't about the kids, but it is....This impacts there life as well. I know she was the one hurt, but right now, my stepson gets to see his dad maybe one Saturday every two weeks or more. I'm the closest thing to a dad he has... and his dad buys his affection with toys and games. We teach him things here. And I want him to look back later in life and say he was happy I was there for him. And my little girl...I hate even thinking about not seeing her every day when I pick her up at the babysitters and getting to lay her in her crib at night. I won't get to do any of this anymore. Maybe never. I hate the thought of only getting to see her when she brings the kids to see me, or only getting to spend a few hours with the kids. I told my wife I fell in love with her and I married her for her. And the kids are the big added bonus. I love them all, and it just tears me apart on the inside even thinking about them leaving. Especially if the never come back. 

Yeah, I know, I'm a mess..... I try to take my mind off of it, but it's hard not being reminded of it every second when you look at the kids, or I look at my wife and all I want to do is go back to when we were really happy. And how I could have been so closed off to her to push her this far. I thought she would stand by me no matter what I did.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im so sorry for you confused. your post is so heartbreaking. i really hope things turn around for you.


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## ConfusedHusband (Jan 3, 2009)

And I don't want her to just forgive me, I just want to start fresh. I know what I did, and I accept it and I'm ready to change, but I don't think she is thinking the same thing. I think she's affraid it will just go back. I told her I'm wiling to do anything. There is just so much stuff involved and I think we can really do it without her having to leave. She is sometimes hardheaded which I knew and I still love her no matter what, but I think she might be confused and she is just thinking too far ahead without giving me a chance.


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## Flutterlashes (Jan 8, 2009)

I think that you are very strong. Firstly to admit your faults and secondly to openly show your feelings, hopes & desires. You should be praised for that alone. If you the strength of character to write on this site, to ask for advice & talk things through with your wife (with or without councelling) then there is hope yet.  Your commitment & consistentancy should win her over in the end. You appear to have learnt a valuable lesson. Don't lose faith, keep trying to convince her & prove what you say with positive actions. I wish you well.


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## ConfusedHusband (Jan 3, 2009)

Thank you for the postive comment. I try everyday to give her space to avoid her leaving. Not just because of her leaving, but the added stress on her to have to find a place and everything. I don't think she really realizes what is involved in moving out, even for a short amount of time. I guess I'm affraid if she leaves, she won't come back or she will realize she doesn't need me. She always asks why am I trying to fix things now when she told me about it before.... And I tell her I was in my own world then. Now reality set in and at least I don't have the "I don't care" attitude. I don't want to see her leave, and I'm going to fight till the day she decides. I know what I did, and if I wish I could see things from her side, and I also wish she could see it from my side too. No normal person wants to see there family leave, no matter what. Some days I see little improvements then somedays I see steps back.


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## missmaxxx (Dec 28, 2008)

Hi Confused. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm afraid I can't offer any advice because I'm going through the exact same thing at the moment, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for and hope that everything works out fine
xx


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

Dear Confused Husband. Your words are nearly exactly what I am going through at this moment. Fear of wife leaving, fear of losing touch with the kids, fear of smothering with any affection, wanting to move the clock back....all of it. You are NOT alone. Couple of things that I have needed to do to get my emotions under control.... pcp doctor, meds, therapist in that order. Im working on making sure I will be OK regardless of what happens with the relationship. I had trust in my wife that she would come to me with any problems or issues...and she did not follow through on that promise. She has emotionally disconnected and wants a trial separation. Im terribly sorry you are in the same boat that I am....BE STRONG and my thoughts are with you.


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