# GettingBetter is much Better



## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

Here I am again, just shy of two years past D day and 18 months past divorce. It was in March of 2012 when I got the famous ILBNILWY words from my XW, just to discover a few days later her affair with MM.
I was a textbook BS. Went through all the usual phases...denial, anger, depression, begging...oh boy, it was simply horrible. I hit the rock bottom. Lost my job, savings, declared bankruptcy, moved from 3000 SF house to two bedroom apartment, lost half the time with my boys. For a long time I was looking for answers and hoping she was going to snap out of it, even after I filed for divorce.
Drugs and alcohol were luckily not one of the coping mechanisms I chose. Instead I decided to lick my wounds and pick up myself. Easier said than done, but there was no second option.
So I started going to IC, hitting the gym almost daily, spending quality time with my boys and friends, joined a divorce support group (highly recommended) where I met lots of new friends and among them one of my best friends now. 
Slowly I started to see improvements, but I knew I was nowhere near being completely healed. Not sure if I will ever be. I even had a rebound relationship with a wonderful girl who ended up hurt, but we are still friends . After that, at the recommendation of therapist and a few friends I decided to take a hiatus from women and dating. I started focusing on myself and kids. Lots of lonely nights and weekends, but it was the only way. 
After that I have been on lots of dates and everything was short lived. I realized there are really lots of great women, way better than my ex. But I was not ready for anything serious. Sex with some of these women was mind blowing, something I never had with my ex. It may sound weird, but I stayed in touch with most of them. I can't help being a nice guy . And few of them even told me to call them when I'm ready. Not going to happen, don’t worry. 

Now, I have been seeing a girl for little over two months, and she is amazing and beautiful. We have not had sex yet...I insisted. She is different… I want my walls to come down first. Yes, the wall is still up. It's the price we BS pay for a long time. But I do believe in love and spending the rest of my life with one person. Call me hopeless romantic or whatever.
One thing that scares me though is how this other person is going to treat my kids. Is she going to be a good step parent, if I ever decide to remarry? None of these women have met my kids, well one did, but it was at the party, so I guess that does not count.

The XW, well, she did try to come back, and it messed me up pretty good. It made my recovery a bit longer than it should have been. She came over one day and cried for hours. Cried herself to sleep on my couch. When she woke up we had a talk. I told her if we were to get back together it would be on my terms and I demanded complete transparency and truth. She could not give me that and I gracefully walked away. I did hurt though. I felt like I was the one breaking the marriage. Even though we were already divorced at this time. This was a day before Christmas 2012. A week later, On New year's eve she met her current BF. And this was two weeks after she broke off with her MM.
A month later he was introduced to her family and my boys and was already having sleepovers. It did hurt initially, being replaced so quickly. But I'm fine with it now. I know my boys have only one dad, and I know they love me. He recently moved in with my XW. Boys are still confused as XW still calls him only a friend. Try to explain that one to the kids. Mom is sleeping with her friend. My younger one doesn't like him and does not want to talk about him. He cries almost every time when they come to pick them up. Older one is indifferent towards him. They do not do any activities together. Her BF is OTR truck driver and when he gets home he spends it on the couch. Once he snapped at the boys when they were playing, just being boys, and called them stupid idiots. This did not sit too well with me and I warned my X that this is the first and the last time something like this happened. Him and I met only few times, briefly. But I am planning on having a conversation with him one day. I want him on the same side when it comes to raising the kids. 
There are no discussions with EX, only about the kids. When she sends me a text that has nothing to do with the kids I completely ignore it. When she calls me names I ask her politely not to do that and ignore the rest of conversation. I still do not understand her bitterness, but I am not even trying. I’m too busy living my life.
She lost all her friends during the divorce. Even her best friend for years. 
Now she is just hanging out with her BF when he is home. Sometimes I feel bad for her, but it doesn’t last. It’s her choice.
I am getting back on my feet slowly. I have a good paying job. Lots of friends who are constantly calling and visiting me. On the weekends when I don’t have the boys I go out and enjoy my time and laughs with friends.
I have realized, even though she cheated and left, that I am in a way grateful for her choices. She gave me a gift. For the first time in my life I was able to look inside myself and reevaluate my life and my priorities. It feels good. My marriage was a good one. No abuse, no alcohol, no problems. Mostly because she has the avoidance personality, always keeps feelings stuffed in.
I know that even if we stayed together and even if she didn't cheat my life would be mediocre. I settled...I was too comfortable in my marriage. I lost myself...I lost some friends because I had to make a choice between marriage and friendships. Because I loved her and was ready to do anything for her and for my marriage. No more. Now I know I can have more.
I might not have a lot of money in my savings, I lost my 401K, but I am happy...it took two years, but I realized I money and things and even other people cannot bring me happiness. 
Now I am free. I do whatever I want with my free time and no one is nagging...lol.
To all you who are in the beginning phases of it, I promise you it gets better. I thought it was going to take me years to get to this place. I am in a way grateful for the journey I went thru, but would not wish it upon anyone. As I said, it was a cleansing pain but now I am a new man, and without any doubt in my mind I am going to make a great partner to some lucky lady one day, I know my kids love me and that no one will ever replace me. 
I wish you all the best in your journey and hope you get to the same place soon. Thank you all for everything, even though I wasn’t posting here often, but I was absorbing every word and every advice given to others.
Getting better got better already.
:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

Few words of advice for all the newbies. Please listen to oldtimers on TAM. They know what they are talking about. They lived it. They sometimes know much better than any therapist.
Some things that helped me enormously are:
-Daily Meditation. I started with some guided meditation on YouTube. It took a while, but what a great feeling.
-IC. This is a must, as it's been told on here so many times.
-Friends. I have a few great friends who didn't experience infidelity and divorce, but were always there for me. Ask them. Most of the time people don't know what to do or say. Just ask them to listen to you and be there for you.
-Family. Even though they are thousands of miles away I talked to them every day. I still do.
-Joined Meetup divorce support group. All I can say this was a Godsend. Even after almost two years I regularly see some of them. One of them is my best friend now. Nowadays we rarely talk about divorce and exes. In the beginning it was the only talk. Now we go out, play poker or just hangout. When one of us has a bad day we all flock to help.
-Journaling. Putting my feelings on paper was very therapeutic. Some use TAM as a way, but I had three journals filled with emotions. I never read them and have no idea what to do with them...but it helped.
-Hobbies. I was going to gym almost daily and riding my bike. Exercise is a must.
-Got rid of all the mementos and pictures of ex. I saved a bunch for the kids. She chose not to have any, even the ones when the boys were little.
-Go out. Just to meet new people. It doesn't have to be dating, but just go out for a drink or to have some fun. Do not stay between four walls. It only makes you think more.
-Read. I don't even know how many books i have read. But it feels great to lose yourself in a good book.
-Doing stuff with the kids. Be it bike rides, museums, or just going to the park. It helps both you and them to cope. 
-Positive thinking. We are what we think. And I think I am the greatest dad and person in the world. Enough said.

There are lots of ways to cope with divorce and infidelity. It's up to you to chose that you want to get better and start working on it. 
The road is not easy. You will hit many bumps, you will have triggers, you will cry, you will feel like crap, you will feel stuck sometimes...Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Nope!
Remember, it's a process. You can not rush things. The worst thing you can do is bury all those feelings inside and have them resurface years later. If you feel like dating or having sex, by all means go ahead do it. But be honest with the other person, and more importantly with yourself. 
One day you just be grateful for the journey, only if you chose the right path.
Stay strong!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

So glad to hear from you!
I have also told my stxh that I am grateful, in a way, for all the suffering we have been through. Because it pushed me as well. To grow, learn, conquer my fears, and I am in a place that I thought wasn't even possible!
And yes, I followed most of the tips. It really did make a difference in staying positive and moving forward! 

Hope things continue to get even better for you!


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Great list, gettingbetter, thanks for sharing


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

deejov said:


> So glad to hear from you!
> I have also told my stxh that I am grateful, in a way, for all the suffering we have been through. Because it pushed me as well. To grow, learn, conquer my fears, and I am in a place that I thought wasn't even possible!
> And yes, I followed most of the tips. It really did make a difference in staying positive and moving forward!
> 
> Hope things continue to get even better for you!


Thank you deejov!
After reading some of the stories here about R I can really say I am grateful for going with the D option. Just could not imagine myself living in pain and fear for years..being TT'd, watching my back, questioning if R was the right choice and knowing myself (and XW) it would eventually and in divorce.
It just seems D is an easier option. Less crap to deal with. I feel bad for my kids, but in the end I can say I tried. Gave it my best shot. No regrets here.
I wish you all the best on your journey...make it a memorable one


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Great posts GB and in some ways a similar story to mine.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GB, I'm happy to hear you're doing well. I have to ask you: at this point what is it you want from your ex in an ideal world? What would you want from her, assuming she had woken up and decided to stop being selfish?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> GB, I'm happy to hear you're doing well. I have to ask you: at this point what is it you want from your ex in an ideal world? What would you want from her, assuming she had woken up and decided to stop being selfish?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great question!Hmmm... I have never really asked myself this.
I'd have to say I just want her to be a better mother to our two boys. To put them first, before her BF. To focus on their emotional well being. Or even just to be there for them. Not to snap at them every time they cry and tell them to suck it up (they are 6 & 8). Or when they ask if they can come to my place she tells them to pack up and leave. I know IC would be good for her, but I would never suggest that. 
That's it. But in a way that is just asking her to stop being selfish. 

I wouldn't even ask her to stop justifying her A and trying to make me a bad guy to other people. In a way her story helped me weed out people from my life. Honestly, I can say that now I just laugh about her justifications and lies...lol.
She is not happy. I have known her for a very long time. Married to her for 12 years. I do want her to be happy. Not for her but for the boys. It would make their lives better. Happy mother does not take her child to a police station when he is being difficult.
Oh, and I would ask her to stop cheating on her taxes and stealing customers from her boss. Wouldn't want her jobless and landing in jail. That would devastate my boys. 

People like her do wake up eventually, most of the time too late, and realize the damage they have done. I personally know few of them. My dad being one.


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