# Help!!! Am I wrong?



## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

I am going to describe an actual scenario in my marriage that has a common theme. The common theme is that my husband gets extremely angry with me and never admits that he should not have and never says he is sorry. When I try to point out that I was very hurt by his behavior, he immediately calls for an emotional divorce and wants to be separated. He doesn't say 'divorce' anymore because he won't do that since we share a daughter. When he is away for long periods of time (deployed with the military or training for the military), it usually involves him sending me an email or text to set up his room for him when he gets home, meaning he wants to be separated. He then ignores me completely. When he is home and he does it, he ignores me completely and kicks me out of the bedroom which usually last for months. 

This particular instance, was about vacation plans. We were going on a long road trip to go skiing for a week. We were planning to stop along the way at two of his family's houses for a few days per house. Early in our discussions, we talked about possibly driving out of the way to visit some friends of ours. I didn't think we would have enough time. I told him that we would have to cut our visits with his family short and I didn't think that was a good idea. Well, about a week before we were leaving, I talked to these friends and was just catching up with how things were going for them since they had a bunch going on and I also wanted to tell them about our plans since they knew we were planning to travel across country and they are always hopeful for a visit from us like we have done in the past. They expressed how much they would love for us to visit. I told them about our plans and that I didn't think it was possible, but I would talk to my husband about it again. Well, I told my husband calmly and lovingly that i realized that we already made our plans and I acknowledged that i was the one who originally didn't think it was possible. I told him what my friends had expressed to me and I said that I was wondering if there may be a slight chance that we could squeeze in going to see them. I said that I totally understand if he thinks not. Well, he proceeded to get extremely angry with me. Yelled at me for 'changing plans' and said something to the effect of 'you always do this!'. Then he called his sister and proceeded to curse me and tell her he was sick of my **** and how I 'always do this'. I was very confused by his behavior. 

First, I didn't change any plans. I simply asked a question and I was very clear about that. I had already relayed to our friends what the situation was, so they were prepared for a 'no' answer. I didn't demand anything. 

When I bring up what happened in this situation to my husband so that he may have a chance to apologize for getting angry with me and accusing me of something that I didn't do and to apologize for bad mouthing me to his sister, he argues that I was wrong for doing what I did, period. Then he proceeds to 'emotionally divorce' me. 

Btw, several years ago, we had definitely set plans to visit these same friends after a visit to his brother's house. While we were still at his brother's house and a couple days away from heading to see our friends, my husband expressed that he wanted to stay and cancel our visit with our friends. I said 'ok' and called our friends and canceled. No anger from me. I just wanted him to be happy since he had been deployed for a long while and wanted to hang with his brother a little longer. 

Am I wrong for saying that his anger was unjustified and plain wrong and that his bad mouthing me to his sister was very hurtful?


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

That is pretty rough, honestgirl. Certainly based on what you have shared, this looks like abusive and hurtful behavior on his part. Maybe there are underlying issues that are making him do this, but it is definitely not normal to treat another human being this way. Maybe this will improve with age and maturity, but maybe not. You should stick up for yourself and draw a line in the sand. Otherwise, this will not stop


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@honestgirl he sounds mentally unstable.

I think you need to counterbalance his demand for an emotional divorce with one of these:-


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You are not wrong he is,and if he wants to live in a separate room he can get it ready.

Do you even have a sex life after he has been gone? He sounds verbally abusive and controlling, she should never call a family member to talk crap about you.


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

You know, abuse from him is the the norm whether he is home or away. There is a whole lot more to our marriage problems. I have been suffering for a very long time. The years and years of verbal abuse, lying, cheating, unexpected anger.....it's just exhausting. The jekyll/hyde personality changes. I am an almost 50 year old mother of a young child. I have been a SAHM for the past 10 years. I cannot go back to my old career without training and, frankly, it would break me as I would not be able to handle that environment again. I homeschool our daughter, so there's that, too. I am financially dependent on him. We are a military family, so we move around often. We moved three times in the last three years. I am really stuck here. I am trying so hard to enlighten him as to how horribly he treats me. He thinks that his few moments per week of niceness just magically erase everything. He is also extremely sexual. Talks about sex a lot. Refers to it whenever he sees an opportunity. He slaps me down there whenever i get near him. I started locking the bathroom door when i shower because he comes in and pinches me and pulls on my nipples. I know, it sounds horrible. I don't want to be intimate with him at all. He says he needs to know that I want him and he is hurting. I don't dismiss his feelings. I explain to him that I can only guess at why I don't want to be intimate with him. It's not like it never happens, btw. It's just not often. Plus, while he is away, he wants me to get him off using text messages just randomly whenever he is wanting to get off. I feel sick over all of this. I don't have any family except his to go to, but there is no place for me to stay that would not cause issues. I have seen many therapists and nothing helps.

I know everyone says to divorce. It really is not that simple. I honestly have no place to go. I have been extremely depressed, so I am not in good mental shape to be independent. I understand what everyone tells me about how my daughter is affected. She is and always will be affected. There is nothing I can do about it. I just try to make sure she knows that she is not at fault for anything that happens between her Daddy and I. She is a loving, smart and sweet girl, too. It breaks my heart that i am unable to give her the home she deserves.

I struggle with his manipulation into my thinking I am doing something wrong all the time and that I deserve the treatment I get. I feel like a huge failure. Every time I try to get up and try to bring us together and smooth over all the bad stuff, he squashes any hope for reconciliation and blames it on me and shuts me out. The pain is hardly bearable.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I'd let him know that if he wishes to separate he can start looking for an apartment and that the only planning you'll be doing is changing the locks in your home since he will no longer live there.

He sounds like a controlling jerk who has adult temper tantrums. No way should you have to put up with that.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

First, stop trying to enlighten him as to how horribly he treats you. You're wasting your time.

Second, it's not in general a terrible thing for him to want sex and maybe want you to get him off via text when he is away. The problem is that he is abusive and the last thing you want to give him is intimacy. Believe me, I get it.

You say you have nowhere to go and no choice. That is not true. You have been staying at home, taking care of HIS daughter and home-schooling her. Moving around all the time to be with him. Making and taking care of the home. You will get alimony and child support. You will not be financially dependent on him anymore if you choose not to be.

Your daughter deserves better. Please give it to her. You are her teacher and more importantly, her mother. So teach her what a strong woman does in a bad relationship. Divorce him and be a stronger, independent person, and show your daughter what is important.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honestgirl said:


> I am going to describe an actual scenario in my marriage that has a common theme. The common theme is that my husband gets extremely angry with me and never admits that he should not have and never says he is sorry. When I try to point out that I was very hurt by his behavior, he immediately calls for an emotional divorce and wants to be separated. He doesn't say 'divorce' anymore because he won't do that since we share a daughter. When he is away for long periods of time (deployed with the military or training for the military), it usually involves him sending me an email or text to set up his room for him when he gets home, meaning he wants to be separated. He then ignores me completely. When he is home and he does it,* he ignores me completely and kicks me out of the bedroom which usually last for months.*


Please explain this further. Do you mean that he kicks you out of the master bedroom? Or does he kick you out of a separate room that he sets up for himself?

Where do you sleep when he kicks you out of the bedroom?

How does he kick you out of the bedroom? Does he just tell you to get out? Or does he physically force you out?


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

He has kicked me out of our bedroom several times. Twice he took my stuff, including my dresser and put it into another room. He doesn't discuss this with me. It happens while he is having an irrational fit. He does not 'physically' do anything to me. He just tells me to stay out and each night he goes to bed without saying anything and closes the door.

Now that he is away for a long time, he is just sending me a text message that says 'please set me up in my own room'. Then he proceeded to continue to text a bunch of crap about how wrong I am and then he texted again to give him his own room and that he'll be 'back in October, we'll talk then about what to do'. So, no discussion, just him telling me what is going to happen.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Sounds like he is suffering from PTSD, many men never come back from that island.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he is gone until October of this year?


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

yes


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married?


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

We have been together for 17 years and married for 13 years. It's always been messed up.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

honestgirl said:


> We have been together for 17 years and married for 13 years. It's always been messed up.


maybe a bit of self assessment is in order.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What was your career field before you quit to be a SAHM?


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

I was a computer programmer/analyst. I wont go back to doing that. I couldn't do that and be there for my daughter.

I started this post because my husband had texted me one night after drinking and was complaining about work related stuff. I thought he was going to bed when suddenly he starts hinting at wanting something sexual from me. It was his night and my morning. I was getting ready to take my daughter out to a class. I suggested he close his eyes and use his imagination. I was obviously not in the mood to give him anything more. He decided to get pissy about it.

The next day he whined that he needed me to want him. I was understanding and chatted with him and I needed some time to get my thoughts together to discuss with him the same things I have tried to discuss with him in the past. I wanted to talk to a therapist about a letter that I decided to write to him. I ended up talking to him about some things before I could send the letter. I was trying to explain how I feel about our lack of emotional connection. He claims to give me what I want. I was trying to point out an example of how some of his regular behavior negatively impacts our relationship. I brought up the incident which I described in my first post. He got defensive about it. He refused to acknowledge that he should not be getting angry with me like that ever and also hurt me by badmouthing me to his sister. He then shut down and separated from me. This has happened many times. Earlier in the conversation, he was claiming to care about me, but because of his inability to face reality, he decided he doesn't care. 

I am constantly baffled by why I am treated this way. I tell him that more than likely my aversion to sex is partly due to how I am treated. His idea of sex, btw, is all about ideas he gets from watching porn. It doesn't feel like love to me. I feel like an object being pushed and pulled into weird positions, etc. He once got super angry with me because I wasn't interested in giving him oral sex while he was driving, with my daughter sleeping in the back seat, and it was 2 am. He said I wasn't spontaneous or adventurous. Wtf?? 

I am very depressed and have basically lost myself. I am an attractive woman and appear fine on the outside. It gets exhausting walking around faking my life every day. I have yet to find someone I can go to to help guide me back to good mental health. That is what I need right now. I am in no way strong enough to just break out on my own under the circumstances.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

DepressedHusband said:


> Sounds like he is suffering from PTSD, many men never come back from that island.


That's what I was wondering. Or he could just be a huge a-hole. I think PTSD could explain over-reacting to things like the wife nicely asking about changing plans. Not sure it could explain him moving her out of the bedroom or staying angry when he's away for so long.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Stop using your kid as an excuse for why you CAN'T work and CAN'T support yourself and CAN'T leave the house, for God's sakes.

She's *10 years old*, not an infant. You're clinging to her and using *her* as your excuse to do absolutely NOTHING about every rotten thing in your life.

No, she DOESN'T need to be home schooled and is missing out on a lot because you CHOOSE to isolate her at home for her education while moving all over the country with an abusive jackass. Again, that's what you CHOOSE to do because you refuse to better your situation - for HER or yourself.

Just because you don't want to go back to your prior career *doesn't *mean you can't use all this downtime to take some college courses and train to do *something else* you _would _like. When you continually CHOOSE to make yourself dependent on someone financially, you have ZERO options.

ZERO.

Your excuses for doing nothing are so lame.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> I'd let him know that if he wishes to separate he can start looking for an apartment and that the only planning you'll be doing is changing the locks in your home since he will no longer live there.
> 
> He sounds like a controlling jerk who has adult temper tantrums. No way should you have to put up with that.


Great advice, as is most of yours, however she'll never be able to do it. Not without years of counseling and a strong support network in place from friends and family. 

If she can't even bolster the strength to say "screw you I'm not leaving the bedroom just because you want me out" you think she can do any of the things you suggested?

It's hard for those of us with confidence, inner strength and self esteem to understand how another adult human being can allow themselves to tolerate such abuse for so long, I sure as heck can't understand it, but from reading stories like this, I get it. It's a slow process to turn around if it ever does at all.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Stop using your kid as an excuse for why you CAN'T work and CAN'T support yourself and CAN'T leave the house, for God's sakes.
> 
> She's *10 years old*, not an infant. You're clinging to her and using *her* as your excuse to do absolutely NOTHING about every rotten thing in your life.
> 
> ...


This is a harsh way to put it but I agree, you are making excuses to stay in this abusive relationship OP. 

My mother has been in a physically/emotionally abusive relationship with my father for over 30 years. Even she has finally admitted that she used us as an excuse to stay all these years. Yet her situation was much worse; she had 6 of us children all 2 years apart, only secondary school education and she never got the intermittent breaks that you're being afforded with your husband being away on duty. 

You need to stop making excuses and take your daughter's present and future mental health more seriously. There are shelters and help lines with people who want to help people just like you. If not for you, do this for your own daughter OP. Do you want her to end up with a man like her father? To continue the cycle that you're starting now by accepting this treatment from your husband? Or worse, do you want her to look back and be disgusted with you for the home environment you forced her to live in and for your submissiveness? Is this the legacy you really want to leave behind?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I added a new signature yesterday.
I think it's pretty apt for your situation, OP.

It's easy to become bogged down in the hopelessness of a situation, but at the present you are the only one capable of making a better life for you and your daughter.

I have no issues with SAHP's, however I do think it's in the best interest of anyone who is spending years child-minding and rearing to ensure that they are doing their best to be in a "ready" state to return to employment if needed. Not only does it help the household financially, but it helps to improve your mood and self-worth. It gets you socializing with others and that may lead to sympathy or suggestions to help you on your journey.

Doing nothing and staying stagnant means that you accept things will not change. I doubt that you truly want for things to remain the same, or you would not have posted here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's in the military. Avail yourself of all the help they offer to wives. He's in the military - you're not. You do not have to abide by their rules of subordination. 

You're in this situation because you choose to be. There are options for you if you explore.
@Emerging Buddhist, can you offer some insight?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

browser said:


> Great advice, as is most of yours, however she'll never be able to do it. Not without years of counseling and a strong support network in place from friends and family.
> 
> If she can't even bolster the strength to say "screw you I'm not leaving the bedroom just because you want me out" you think she can do any of the things you suggested?
> 
> It's hard for those of us with confidence, inner strength and self esteem to understand how another adult human being can allow themselves to tolerate such abuse for so long, I sure as heck can't understand it, but from reading stories like this, I get it. It's a slow process to turn around if it ever does at all.


I hope it helps her to hear our perspectives. Sometimes when you're stuck in a situation, it's hard to see what others see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honestgirl said:


> I was a computer programmer/analyst. I wont go back to doing that. I couldn't do that and be there for my daughter.


I'm a software engineer. Worked full time and raised 3 children and was the primary (only) breadwinner. I'm not sure why you feel that you cannot go back to being a computer programmer/analyst and be there for your daughter.

You could take a few college courses, or get an MS degree, to bring you up to date.

Your daughter would benefit more from seeing her mother be a strong woman who does not put up with being abused than she benefits from home schooling.

How many friends her own age does your daughter have? What sort of community and school activities is she involved in?

I know it's hard to get back out there to work, back into the community, etc after being a SHAM for so long. But you need to do it. It's pretty clear that your husband plans on divorcing you. It's a lot better that you make the initiative and use the next few months while he is gone to get ready for whatever he throws at you when he's back in town.

Does your husband ever complain that you are not working?

Does he ever complain that you depend too much on him? I'm wondering if part of the problem he has is that you have become so dependent, so isolated, that he feels like you are pulling him down emotionally. Even if he feels this way, it does not justify his behavior. But it might explain it.

Is your husband an officer or enlisted?


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

I just wrote a long reply and it got deleted because I wasn't logged in.

Thank you for all of your replies. I am extremely depressed. Telling me to go get a job and get divorced is unrealistic. My daughter is very self motivated and super bright. We belong to some groups and she goes to some group classes during the week. This illusion of sending her to public school because that's what everyone else does doesn't work for me for numerous reasons. 

I was a very self sufficient adult since I was 18, I have always been employed, living on my own (literally alone except for the first two years with my sister). I am not a needy person nor does my husband feel I am needy or too dependent. The fact that I want to stay home and homeschool her is not a problem in our marriage. He does leave everything up to me, though, because he thinks I have the time to do everything. I want to start a new hobby this spring and I claimed a corner of the garage when we moved in. He ignored my request and put his stuff there. The odd thing is that it seems deliberate, but he always encourages me to have a hobby, so wtf??? He toys with me to challenge me. I am sure he us thinking that if I really want that corner, I will move his stuff out if the way. This is not far fetched. He has set up things to challenge me in the past. He even says so in so many words sometimes. If I actually succeed, he congratulates me. It feels very odd and not loving.

My husband only complains about me during situations where he feels the need for respect. Now, this is not a normal demand of respect. It's like something ticks inside his brain and he suddenly feels an urge to throw a fit and get angry with me. He treats me like I am the enemy and he demands I say I am sorry and he dictates what I should say to him. He seems suddenly very insecure and acts very immaturely. Here is a very small example of how disrespectful and fragile he is. We were staying with my family and we were at my parents house. I was finishing up getting ready to go to my HS reunion, he was standing by the door where I was putting makeup on and he was making exaggerated sighing noises and snoring noises. I shut the door. He ran away from the house. My Mom and I drove around looking for him. He finally did get in the car, but I think if my Mom wasn't there, he would have dragged it on. That behavior is very frustrating and immature to me. I let it go that night because I wanted to enjoy the reunion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honestgirl said:


> I just wrote a long reply and it got deleted because I wasn't logged in.


I often write my posts in MS Word and then cut/paste them into the TAM post window because of such issues. Just a thought….


honestgirl said:


> Thank you for all of your replies. I am extremely depressed. Telling me to go get a job and get divorced is unrealistic. My daughter is very self motivated and super bright. We belong to some groups and she goes to some group classes during the week. This illusion of sending her to public school because that's what everyone else does doesn't work for me for numerous reasons.


The only reason that anyone on here is suggesting that you might need to put your daughter in regular school and get a job is that what you have posted makes it sound like your husband is planning on divorcing you. If he does this, you are going to have to go back to work. 


honestgirl said:


> I was a very self sufficient adult since I was 18, I have always been employed, living on my own (literally alone except for the first two years with my sister). I am not a needy person nor does my husband feel I am needy or too dependent. The fact that I want to stay home and homeschool her is not a problem in our marriage. He does leave everything up to me, though, because he thinks I have the time to do everything. I want to start a new hobby this spring and I claimed a corner of the garage when we moved in. He ignored my request and put his stuff there. The odd thing is that it seems deliberate, but he always encourages me to have a hobby, so wtf??? He toys with me to challenge me. I am sure he us thinking that if I really want that corner, I will move his stuff out if the way. This is not far fetched. He has set up things to challenge me in the past. He even says so in so many words sometimes. If I actually succeed, he congratulates me. It feels very odd and not loving.
> 
> 
> My husband only complains about me during situations where he feels the need for respect. Now, this is not a normal demand of respect. It's like something ticks inside his brain and he suddenly feels an urge to throw a fit and get angry with me. He treats me like I am the enemy and he demands I say I am sorry and he dictates what I should say to him. He seems suddenly very insecure and acts very immaturely. Here is a very small example of how disrespectful and fragile he is. We were staying with my family and we were at my parents house. I was finishing up getting ready to go to my HS reunion, he was standing by the door where I was putting makeup on and he was making exaggerated sighing noises and snoring noises. I shut the door. He ran away from the house. My Mom and I drove around looking for him. He finally did get in the car, but I think if my Mom wasn't there, he would have dragged it on. That behavior is very frustrating and immature to me. I let it go that night because I wanted to enjoy the reunion.


Ok…. yea that is beyond immature.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

honestgirl said:


> He ran away from the house. My Mom and I drove around looking for him. He finally did get in the car, but I think if my Mom wasn't there, he would have dragged it on. That behavior is very frustrating and immature to me. I let it go that night because I wanted to enjoy the reunion.


If you do nothing else to improve your situation, the next time he runs away don't go looking for him.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

OP, I love being a SAHM and know there are MANY well-proven benefits to homeschooling. 

However, you need to look at your marriage and ask yourself if you're willing to live like this for the next 8 years (until your daughter is 18). Something needs to change. How you let your husband treat you is the standard you've set. 

I highly recommend boundaries. 
1. The next time he physically/sexually assaults you, go to his superior. Demand mental counseling for him. 
2. If you separate from him, he will be required to support you until you can get on your feet. Know this- use it to your advantage.
3. Do not pursue him, chase him, prepare anything for him. 
4. The next time he has an angry outburst, demand he leave the home and if he won't, take your daughter and stay somewhere safe. Only return home/allow him to return home after he begins anger treatment.

You've got to set the bar higher, and it doesn't immediately mean you have to divorce him, put your child in ps, and work full-time. You have options.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is an angry, abusive ass, and nothing you can do will change it. Until you are willing to actually get out of the marriage, this is your life. You are making the choice to live this way, and you are subjecting your child to this as well. All the excuses you come up with as to why you "cant" get out affect your child's well being.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I was a military wife myself for 13 years.

There are COUNTLESS resources out there for you. COUNTLESS. I suggest you look them up. 

You say you "can't" divorce because you are older and depressed and have a kid and yadda, yadda.

Well guess what? You are choosing misery.

I divorced my active duty enlisted military ex, FOUR kids, a major move, and we have all managed to live through it. And although I have yet to succeed in my love life, my CHILDREN have succeeded very nicely. (My youngest was barely 8 when we split, older 3 are now grown and gone.....raised largely by myself.) 

Do you really think that you are positively teaching your daughter how a man is supposed to treat her by staying with this "husband" of yours? Think on that.


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

GA Heart, did you have family and/or friends support? Where did you live? My husband would absolutely refuse to move out of the house. We also own a lot of stuff. Two rental homes, two trucks, a car, three motorcycles, etc. If I leave, he will continue to stay in this big house paying more than our BAH. Honestly, I hate the duty station where we are at, too. If I move out into an apartment, my daughter will hate me and want to be at the house with him all of the time. Plus, when the army reassigns him, I will have to move on my own dime by myself. I could possibly live somewhere else, but I would be taking our daughter away from her Dad. She would hate me for that, too. Why shouldi have to suffer more?? I know people get divorced and say how happy they are and how the kids all adjusted well, etc., but I know the reality of divorce. Sounds crazy, but staying and building myself up to be stronger and learning to set boundaries would set a better example for our daughter. I am coming out of a long fog and I have learned a lot recently and realize that I am not at fault here, but that wasn't always the case. Every single one of my friends that I had while growing up that came from divorced families were extremely messed up and lived crazy messed up lives as adults. Those of us (including me) who came from a home where parents weren't the most loving towards each other all the time made it out wayyyyy better. I grew up in a generation where kids were spanked and occasionally hit on impulse. Dad's demanded Mom's not to coddle their children. Husbands were expected to rule the house and wives catered to them no matter what. I know there are those of you who think he is going to divorce me. He has said he won't because of our daughter. I am coming up with ideas to be prepared for if he does, though. If he does, that will be his doing and my daughter won't blame me. Plus, he would be more likely to accommodate us well in that situation so that he wouldn't risk losing his daughter. Make sense? I do have plans to separate myself from him when he returns. I am also working on setting up major boundaries. I put my wine glass down and am changing my life one day at a time.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

No, it doesn't make sense to me. None of that. But hey, I wish you nothing but the best.


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

GA Heart, you didn't answer my questions. Did you have help from family? Did you leave and if so, where did you go? What did you tell your kids? Did you share custody and move around to wherever he got stationed? We both would never stay at this duty station, so we will have to move. Plus, he is planning on changing his career path, so that would affect where we live also. Please tell me exactly how a divorce would benefit me other than not being married to him. I understand the obvious.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I do not have the emotional energy to play your game. You came here (what I thought was) seeking advice, but you are just enjoying being a victim. Best of luck.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

honestgirl said:


> Did you share custody and move around to wherever he got stationed? We both would never stay at this duty station, so we will have to move.


I can't answer this question but I can tell you that you wouldn't be the first military wife who got divorced and figured out a way to make things work.



honestgirl said:


> Please tell me exactly how a divorce would benefit me other than not being married to him. I understand the obvious.


You (and your children) would be free of his abuse and your sham of a marriage and be free to meet someone who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> S
> No, she DOESN'T need to be home schooled and is missing out on a lot because you CHOOSE to isolate her at home for her education while moving all over the country with an abusive jackass. Again, that's what you CHOOSE to do because you refuse to better your situation - for HER or yourself.


This is ignorant. I homeschooled two children all the way through to college. I have one left in homeschool high school.

Homeschooling doesn't have to be, and usually isn't, isolating. Most areas have plenty of options to get social interaction with their peers and enjoy a wide variety of activities.

Homeschooling is an excellent option for military families and helps a child to get a much better education rather than starting and stopping from school to school and place to place. They can get a seamless education and most do much better academically this way.

That being said, I do believe there are options, but the main issue isn't the homeschooling. The main issue is that you have the mentality of an abused woman and have come to the right place to start moving into a position of strength and healing, especially now that your husband won't be home until October.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Nope, and if it were me, next time he's deployed, I'd be packing my bags and moving out. He can get his own room ready when he arrives back home.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The problem here is not really one of circumstances. It is mindset. You cannot change your husband, even if you change your boundaries. You can only change yourself. You have a lot of obstacles set up in your mind that keep you from having a better life. But those obstacles are really all in your mind. In order for things to improve, you will have to change how you think about your life and the choices that you have.

You do not have to stay married to your husband for your daughter to grow up healthy and happy. Your husband is responsible for his relationship with your daughter, you aren't. If your husband treats you badly, he should expect there will be consequences which will impact his relationship with your daughter. That is not your fault. But it is your responsibility to properly care for yourself and plan for your future. Right now you are abdicating that responsibility.

I recommend that you face the facts of the situation and instead of trying to figure out how to set different boundaries, so that your husband will treat you better, you face the truth. Your husband will likely escalate in his mistreatment of you if you set better boundaries. He does not value you. That is why he is treating you the way he does. In some circumstances setting better boundaries can change everything, but it depends on who you are dealing with. There are some people who are better to get away from. Based on how you have described him, I would put him into the category of being better to get away from. 

You have laid a good foundation for your daughter's education. Part of your plan can be to find a home where she can go to a good school that will meet her needs. I understand the desire to continue homeschooling, but sometimes it is necessary to chose another option.

You may not want to go back to the same work you did before, but that doesn't mean you are incompetent or unable to go back to work. I recommend that you begin searching for a career and do what it takes to get additional education to do it. You cannot in good conscience rely on someone to take care of you when he obviously sees you as his adversary and an object of his use at the same time.

Open your eyes and start to let go of those ideas that are holding you back from taking responsibility for yourself and your daughter. Continuing on in your marriage is only bringing you pain and suffering. That's not how marriage is supposed to be and it's a terrible example for your daughter.


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

GA Heart, wow. I am seeking knowledge, including from you. I posted a scenario and then proceeded to answer questions and give some background information. Lots of people suggest the 'just leave him and get a job' option. I would love to know how you went about it since you were a military spouse and you so highly recommend it that option. How is that playing games? Do you work full time? Did you get alimony and child support? How much time do each of you spend with your kids? Did you have to move to stay near him? Do you and your ex share your kids with girlfriends/boyfriends? These and my other questions are valid questions. 

I am passionate about my daughter being homeschooled, so I do not take it lightly when someone just ignores that fact. I enjoy raising my daughter, too. I was a single woman until I was 34 and had my one and only child at the age if 39. I don't wish I was anywhere else. I had a lot of free years.

I do not disagree with the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive situation. I wish people that suggest the 'leave him, get a job and give up your current life to work full time and miss out on raising your daughter' option could back it up with real life situations that detail how great it is and how they or others they personally know went about it. I do not think that is an unreasonable request considering the huge impact this decision has on everyone's lives. Btw, people that homeschool do consider working full time and sending their kids off to public school with before and after school care as missing out on raising their children. If you reasearch this or ask any homeschool parent, they will back me up on that. 

I also do not have a desire for revenge or to hurt my husband.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Honest girl, I'm not suggesting you file tomorrow. But you do have to be willing to leave your husband if he doesn't do the work to change his anger and abuse towards you. There simply is no other way around that. If he knows you're not going anywhere, he knows that he can continue to treat you any way he wants. 

Bottom line: you need to set the bar higher with your husband. He will continue to treat you the way you allow him to treat you. There are things you and he can try first, like I outlined in an above post, but they do require that you be willing to pack your (and your daughter's) bags if he does not do them. Otherwise, he will respect you even less than he already does.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. You and your daughter really do deserve better. Hopefully, he is suffering from PTSD- at least then there is a treatment protocol and the problem might get fixed. But it will require hard work on his part.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

@honestgirl

This last post of yours makes it clear how you have adopted a very rigid "black and white" mentality and at least at this particular point in your life, are unwilling and unable to make positive changes that would undoubtedly benefit you and your children by removing you from what you have acknowledged is an unhealthy, abusive situation.



honestgirl said:


> I am passionate about my daughter being homeschooled, so I do not take it lightly when someone just ignores that fact. I enjoy raising my daughter, too.


You are "passionate" about homeschooling and you enjoy raising your daughter. Well given the circumstances, it may be necessary to explore other passions and do what needs to be done for the good of everyone involved even if it means *gasp* putting her into public school like most other kids whose parents both work and still have a huge role in "raising their children". 



honestgirl said:


> I do not disagree with the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive situation.


No, but you don't agree with any of the helpful posters who have given you very useful advice that happens to conflict with what you believe to be the best course of action which is to simply stay in this abusive situation, not work and stay home to "raise your children".



honestgirl said:


> Btw, people that homeschool do consider working full time and sending their kids off to public school with before and after school care as missing out on raising their children. If you reasearch this or ask any homeschool parent, they will back me up on that.


I'm sure they do say that. You know what @honestgirl? Life isn't always the way we want it. If it was up to me I wouldn't have worked a day in my life and I would have had a much greater role in the lives of my children. But I did what I HAD to do not what I WANTED to do because well, when you approach life and it's challenges in a mature, responsible way, you sometimes have to make difficult decisions that might be in direct contrast to what you feel like doing. 



honestgirl said:


> I also do not have a desire for revenge or to hurt my husband.


What does this have to do with anything? It's almost like you put it out there because you know you don't really have any good reason for staying.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honestgirl said:


> Btw, people that homeschool do consider working full time and sending their kids off to public school with before and after school care as missing out on raising their children. If you reasearch this or ask any homeschool parent, they will back me up on that.


I'm a homeschool parent and have been for about 20 years. I disagree that people who work full time and have their kids in public school are missing out on raising their children. They are outsourcing education, but that doesn't mean they aren't fully involved, loving parents who are serious about raising their children. I can see how you wouldn't want to stop homeschooling if you feel that way though. I just don't think it makes logical sense that a parent isn't raising their children if the child is in a school setting. The child is still with the parent for the majority of their time and the parent is in charge of the child.

Lots of people who work full time have great relationships with their children. It is different than homeschooling. But it doesn't mean they aren't raising their children.

With your career background, you should be able to make a good living and will have child support to help you properly care for your daughter. You should be able to live in a good area and provide well for your daughter.

I really believe that living in an abusive environment is damaging to children, don't you believe that too?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

honestgirl said:


> I wish people that suggest the 'leave him, get a job and give up your current life to work full time and miss out on raising your daughter' option could back it up with real life situations that detail how great it is and how they or others they personally know went about it.


I didn't have a job when I left my husband - a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army - but I knew I had to get out or get dragged under. Although I did not have children, I had two cats I had to take with me. Believe me, purebred Cornish Rex cats are just one step below a child! 

My husband went down range one time too many. He would never address or admit that, but I could see how he changed. His drinking escalated. He became mean. My husband never had a mean bone in his body prior to a year in Kuwait/Iraq/Pakistan. 

I spent five years with him after that last deployment. During that time, I got cancer, lived in the middle-of-nowhere with substandard medical care, and had no support system whatsoever. I had a college education, but the only job I could get was retail. So I took it. I didn't leave until he was out of the service and decided to just sit around and get gob smacked drunk most of the time.

I had no job. I had no health insurance. I had no support system. I had cancer. But I KNEW I was given this one, precious life to live. Talk about walking out in faith. I had about $56K to my name, and I only got that because he took a second mortgage on our home and I was owed half the equity. I also liquidated two IRA's. 

So, how did I go about this? I didn't do that what-if scenario. I don't know if a meteor is going to come screaming out of the sky in an hour and kill me. All I know is, I live one day at a time. I don't sweat/worry about all the junk. YOU ARE HOLDING YOURSELF BACK BY A NEED TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Guess what? All you are talking about may not happen. Granted, it may, but you are projecting the worst-case scenario, which keeps you stuck.

Me? I ended up living in a roach-infested Quality Inn off an interstate for a month. I ended up working at a Chik-Fil-A at a mall food court with a bunch of like-ya-know's. I ended up working at several full-time jobs with bosses who were certifiable. I ended up with a roommate and her daughter for seven months who literally threw trash on the floor. They were two of the biggest slobs I've ever known.

After that, I lived in a 250 square foot room over a smelly horse barn in southeast Pennsylvania. But I got state-funded medical care. I had six months of chemo. My crazy husband actually sent me $18K to move back west in July 2012, although we would be living 250 miles apart. I even had my car totaled while in PA by an 87-year-old man who ran a stop sign.

Today? My husband died. I have 55% of his Army pension, his social security, and I worked for three years in a dead-end/brain numbing county government job. But what did I gain? Self-sufficiency, self-respect, and the knowledge that all the WHAT-IF-THE-SKY-FALLS thinking kept me stuck in a terrible marriage for too long.

Will the same happen to you? No. You are not going to have the same set of circumstances as me. But I guarantee you, if you have the guts to leave - and NOT on his terms - you WILL come out victorious on the other side. 

I can't explain it, but I didn't whine and complain when I had almost nothing. Frankly, for some strange reason, I figured ANYTHING would be better than the insanity I lived with. And it was. Something for you to consider. Seriously.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

honestgirl said:


> I grew up in a generation where kids were spanked and occasionally hit on impulse. Dad's demanded Mom's not to coddle their children. Husbands were expected to rule the house and wives catered to them no matter what.


This explains a lot of what's going on with you. You are unable to overcome the upbringing that was brainwashed into you. Your husband is ruling the roost and expects you to cater to him no matter what. He treats you like the housekeeper/nanny/teacher/sex-slave who he orders around like you were a military subordinate. And for the most part, you are obeying, so it works for him. When things come up that he can't handle in that manner, such as you wanting to go to a reunion, or have a craft area, or visit a friend, he reacts with childish tantrums.

He doesn't provide any emotional support to you like a true modern partner would. And you continue to permit it.

Sadly, this means that it will continue into another generation, and your daughter will grow up thinking yours is a normal marriage, and end up being treated poorly by a man who is just like her dad. Is that what you want for her?



honestgirl said:


> I do not disagree with the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive situation. I wish people that suggest the 'leave him, get a job and give up your current life to work full time and miss out on raising your daughter' option could back it up with real life situations that detail how great it is and how they or others they personally know went about it. I do not think that is an unreasonable request considering the huge impact this decision has on everyone's lives.


As a homeschooler, are you teaching your child how to be an independent, self-sufficient adult someday, like you once were? How would you teach her to get out of an abusive situation? Obviously you love homeschooling but you need to analyze that you are also teaching her some unwanted lessons as well, such as accepting a bad marriage, that women are subordinate to men, etc. 

You are never going to find any answers that will magically transform your husband into a respectful and loving partner. You can only change your situation yourself, and set a good example for your daughter.

As for your complaint about people not providing you with concrete steps to take, many have suggested that you contact resources for military families. Have you done so? What have you learned from them? You could also contact a family lawyer, do some information gathering about what divorce might look like in your state. Or the state you may be moved to next.

Personally, I can't see how a military dad who is sometimes deployed away for long months at a time could possibly win a custody battle against a homeschooling mom. Letting that fear hold you back just shows how much you are grasping at excuses to stay in your situation.

As for my suggestions, I'd be evicting the tenants from your smallest rental property, and telling your husband you have his own place all ready over there when he gets back from deployment. Start taking an online course to update your programming skills - you can do homework at the same time as your child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honestgirl said:


> GA Heart, did you have family and/or friends support? Where did you live?


I guess your mother does not live nearby? You can build a support system and get friends. 

How do you build a support system? Start with finding a domestic abuse facility near you and sign up counseling through them. They will have a lot of resources that can help you. Here is a website that you can use to help find a place near you.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

When I left my son’s father, I did go to a local organization that provided counseling for vicitms of domestic abuse. There was a weekly group meeting that I attended. I met a woman there who was in a similar situation to mine… that was in 1995. We are still extremely close friends. Our sons all grew up together. We still hang out weekly and talk to each other a lot during the week. We were each other’s life line, actually have been all these years.

Now to meet people. Check out the site *Meetup . com*

Here where I live there are literally hundreds of meetups. It’s not a dating site. It’s a place where people can find interesting things to do with likeminded people. I even started a couple of meetups. I have a hiking meetup and a gardening meetup. I’ve met a lot of good people this way. 



honestgirl said:


> My husband would absolutely refuse to move out of the house. We also own a lot of stuff. Two rental homes, two trucks, a car, three motorcycles, etc. If I leave, he will continue to stay in this big house paying more than our BAH.


Your husband can refuse to move out of the house all he wants. He will have to do what the court orders him to do. With a divorce, the two of you will split all your assets about 50/50. You will have a say in who stays in the house, who gets which vehicles, what will be sold, etc. 

He will also be ordered to pay you child support and spousal support. The way it works is that during the divorce process you will get interim spousal support and alimony. After the divorce, you will get child support. And the amount and length of spousal support (alimony) will be determined by your state laws.

A good formula for a rough estimate of spousal support is 40% of the higher income minus 50% the lower income. But, in most states, you will also be expected to become self-supporting in a reasonable length of time. Or at least as self-supporting as possible.

It sounds like your husband might not be able to pay for that big house and stay in it.



honestgirl said:


> Honestly, I hate the duty station where we are at, too. If I move out into an apartment, my daughter will hate me and want to be at the house with him all of the time.


From the sounds of it, he will not be able to stay in the house either. Do you really think that your daughter cares so little for you that she would want to stay with her father just because he’s in the house????? Really? This is the father who has been gone for months at a time during her entire life.

You two will arrive at a custody split and your daughter will live where the custody agreement says she will live. That’s how it works.


honestgirl said:


> Plus, when the army reassigns him, I will have to move on my own dime by myself. I could possibly live somewhere else, but I would be taking our daughter away from her Dad. She would hate me for that, too. Why shouldi have to suffer more??


I thought that you said he was changing his career path. That sounded to me like he was getting out of the military. Is he?


You could put in the divorce papers that you will consider moving if he is stationed somewhere else. But he will have to pay your moving expenses. It is not your job to maintain his relationship with his daughter. He’s apparently not around her all that much anyway. If he must move due to a military assignment, then your daughter could travel to visit her father, at his expense. That’s how it works.


You are already suffering. I guess you can choose the way you want to suffer. Right now, since he’s gone until October, you really don’t have to put up with all that much of his abuse. To me, from what you said, it sounds like he intends to file for divorce when he gets back. And you are simply refusing to acknowledge that.


I think you need to do a lot of research on divorce laws where you live. Amazon has books for each state in the country that cover their laws. You can also do some google searches to find out your rights for divorce. When/if you get an attorney, you will need one with a strong background in military divorce.




honestgirl said:


> I know people get divorced and say how happy they are and how the kids all adjusted well, etc., but I know the reality of divorce. Sounds crazy, but staying and building myself up to be stronger and learning to set boundaries would set a better example for our daughter. I am coming out of a long fog and I have learned a lot recently and realize that I am not at fault here, but that wasn't always the case. Every single one of my friends that I had while growing up that came from divorced families were extremely messed up and lived crazy messed up lives as adults. Those of us (including me) who came from a home where parents weren't the most loving towards each other all the time made it out wayyyyy better.


Please read the below quote…….


honestgirl said:


> Now that he is away for a long time, he is just sending me a text message that says 'please set me up in my own room'. Then he proceeded to continue to text a bunch of crap about how wrong I am and then he texted again to give him his own room and that he'll be 'back in October, we'll talk then about what to do'. So, no discussion, just him telling me what is going to happen.


Your husband is going to divorce you when he gets back. That is what the above means. That’s what both his words and actions are telling you. You can talk all day long about how you can change your boundaries and how awful kids of divorce have it, but that means nothing when he files for divorce.


honestgirl said:


> I grew up in a generation where kids were spanked and occasionally hit on impulse. Dad's demanded Mom's not to coddle their children. Husbands were expected to rule the house and wives catered to them no matter what.


I’m older than you by quite a bit… 68. That might be what your family was like, but not all. Not by a long shot. It’s a pretty harsh view of family life.


honestgirl said:


> I know there are those of you who think he is going to divorce me. He has said he won't because of our daughter.


I am one who thinks he has clearly told you that he is divorcing you. Right now he cannot if he wants some kind of relationship with your daughter. So he’s keeping you on a very thin string because he needs you to take care of her while he travels a lot and is on deployments.
There are 3 different times I can see him divorcing you.
1)	When he gets back in October. I think he’s pretty much told you that’s what he’s planning.
2)	When he makes his career change. If he’s getting out of the military, then he does not need to stay married to you to get his daughter 50% of the time.
3)	When your daughter turns 18. Then she can go off to college and he has no need for you anymore.



honestgirl said:


> I am coming up with ideas to be prepared for if he does, though. If he does, that will be his doing and my daughter won't blame me. Plus, he would be more likely to accommodate us well in that situation so that he wouldn't risk losing his daughter. Make sense? I do have plans to separate myself from him when he returns. I am also working on setting up major boundaries. I put my wine glass down and am changing my life one day at a time.


Ok if that’s your approach, so get busy with what you need to do. 

Build your support system. Get into counseling at a domestic abuse organization and talk to them about how you can better live with his abusive nonsense. And get out, meet people, and build a support system of friends.

Make sure you set up his room so that it’s ready when he comes back. That’s what he wants. So give it to him. And having it set up will help avoid that ugliness of him kicking you out of the master bedroom.

Research your legal rights. Even interview attorneys (many will give a half hour to one hour free consultation). Start socking money away in your name. Get copies of all the legal, financial, etc. information and store it in a safe place (I used an indoor storage unit). Get yourself a PO Box for any mail you don’t want him to get his hands on.

And start thinking about what you are going to do to earn an income when/if he files for divorce. I know you want to home school your daughter. But if there is a divorce, you will have to support yourself as much as you can. That’s just reality.


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

Thank you for all of your input, advice and caring thoughts.

I am constantly weighing the pros and cons of everything. I research everything. Although I am depressed, I am not helpless. Depression definitely makes me feel like I am trying to move through mud sometimes, but I do have common sense and I have a strong will to have a good life. I moved by myself across country in my 20's knowing no one and having no job. I bought my own home on my own and lived independently until I was 34 years old. I lived with my sister (she was just 15 months older) for two years when I was just a teenager, and ever since then I lived alone. My husband has been gone more than he is home, leaving me to raise our daughter and take care of everything completely alone. I know what it takes to be on my own. 

Regardless of whether I stay or go, it has to be on my terms. I am always the one making the big sacrifices. I am working on plans for the stay and/or go possibilities.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honestgirl said:


> Regardless of whether I stay or go, it has to be on my terms. I am always the one making the big sacrifices. I am working on plans for the stay and/or go possibilities.


If your husband files for divorce and you are unprepared for the ramifications of that, it won't be on your terms. If you really want things to be on your terms, you have to know and understand the divorce laws in your state and what your rights and responsibilities are. I would recommend you do that things that EleGirl has mentioned along with buying a book or two on divorce in your state, then studying it so you understand what you can do to come out safely.

Not wanting to take revenge on your spouse is one thing and I agree with that, but it is quite another to cover your butt and make sure you are not left destitute with him taking everything from the marriage and leaving you with nothing. Learning what you can do to make sure that doesn't happen isn't going to end your marriage. Knowledge is power. You've got lots of time to prepare for whatever comes in October.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

honestgirl said:


> Thank you for all of your input, advice and caring thoughts.
> 
> I am constantly weighing the pros and cons of everything. I research everything. Although I am depressed, I am not helpless. Depression definitely makes me feel like I am trying to move through mud sometimes, but I do have common sense and I have a strong will to have a good life. I moved by myself across country in my 20's knowing no one and having no job. I bought my own home on my own and lived independently until I was 34 years old. I lived with my sister (she was just 15 months older) for two years when I was just a teenager, and ever since then I lived alone. My husband has been gone more than he is home, leaving me to raise our daughter and take care of everything completely alone. I know what it takes to be on my own.
> 
> Regardless of whether I stay or go, it has to be on my terms. I am always the one making the big sacrifices. I am working on plans for the stay and/or go possibilities.


Most women in an abusive and/or neglectful marriage experience depression. He's affecting your mental health.


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## honestgirl (Oct 9, 2012)

My mind has been working overtime. I have decided to separate. I am planning to go to JAG for advice. I want this to be amicable and I do believe that is possible. I have not said anything to him yet. I do not plan to until I get advice.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

honestgirl said:


> My mind has been working overtime. I have decided to separate. I am planning to go to JAG for advice. I want this to be amicable and I do believe that is possible. I have not said anything to him yet. I do not plan to until I get advice.


Good for you, you can do this. Let us know how it goes and if you need support, we are here. I'll be thinking of you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

honestgirl said:


> My mind has been working overtime. I have decided to separate. I am planning to go to JAG for advice. I want this to be amicable and I do believe that is possible. I have not said anything to him yet. I do not plan to until I get advice.


It is wise that you not say a thing to him until you have prepared to make a safe exit and you understand all of your rights and responsibilities. Once you have your plan lined up and are ready to move forward, you will also have a plan on how to handle your interaction with him in a healthy manner that will be best for all of you. Be calm and patient. He doesn't need to know anything right now. You aren't planning an attack. You are planning a safe escape.


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