# How many griefs should I get through?



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

We separated after 23.5 years of marriage back in Dec 2012. He asked for divorce this January after one year separated. And I am looking that divorce papers will be signed until the end of this year... after 2 years of separation, long but somehow short.

Empty nest, his personal childhood traumas, closing his heart, no intimacy, depression on him after kids left, pride. 

I kept hope during that year, but I must admit I was devastated when he asked... I am looking for divorce to be e

My question is... how many griefs do I have to go through? 

1. When we separated but I had hope 
2. When he asked for divorce 
3. When we get divorce

Which phase is the worse? I am between 2 and 3.


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

I am just entering into this process but I know it seems like there is grief at every turn. Everyone has a lot of great advice on how to stay busy, don't blame yourself, and try to move on- but it is something that has to happen at your own pace.

I am in between 1 and 2 right now. My wife separated from me about a month ago, and it was all under the assumption that it was "temporary." I found out last week that she has already filed for divorce, but apparently has no intention of telling me about it. It is amazing that someone you know so well can turn into somebody that you don't know at all.

I am sure I will have grief when I actually get served, then when it is finalized that will be a whole other set of emotions. The only advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. My days have been pretty long and dark lately, but each morning I'm one day closer to becoming whole again.

There are some great posters on these forums that offer a lot of insight. Its amazing how many different stories there are here, but they all have so many eerily common details.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

dadof2 said:


> I am just entering into this process but I know it seems like there is grief at every turn. Everyone has a lot of great advice on how to stay busy, don't blame yourself, and try to move on- but it is something that has to happen at your own pace.
> 
> I am in between 1 and 2 right now. My wife separated from me about a month ago, and it was all under the assumption that it was "temporary." I found out last week that she has already filed for divorce, but apparently has no intention of telling me about it. It is amazing that someone you know so well can turn into somebody that you don't know at all.
> 
> ...


Thank you! You are right. Although I think it is my turn to move and seek for an option to accelerate the process. Made my chart with the + and - of the relationship and how I am now... it is incredible to see that the negatives of how I am now are mostly under my control; and I know I can change it for me. Marriage, sad but true, unless he has a 90 degree change cant be saved. I did my best, of that... I am sure. 

Have to, as you said, stop blaming myself for what happened long long ago, let him go as he wants and get busy, stop thinking on the why's and if's.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It seems he has made up his mind. All you can do is move on with dignity and class.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

You are right Indiecat. Although... His aunt made me a comment the other day: "you have behaved great while you have been separated" (no partying, om, etc)... 

The day divorce is over I will throw a party instead of crying I wish!!!! ... but that's not me


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

What are you doing with your time? Are you working out? Exercise will help your mental health tremendously as it takes your mind off things, helps you feel good about yourself as you make steady progress, and releases good chemicals in your body that counteract some of the other stuff.

What about friends? Did you become isolated a bit in your marriage? Do you need a wider social network?

What bout IC? Therapy can really help during all this. I've been separated for nearly a year and a half and divorce is coming soon. Therapy was very helpful to me in helping me keep my sanity. It is okay to feel sad and hurt. You should. Don't run from it or fight it. YOu cannot control it. You cannot control your husband. But you can control what you do...do not lay around in bed or moping in the house, for example...

anyway, there is no timetable. You will need to start telling yourself it is over and you are going to be better off...show yourself that by remaking your life and image. Your life will not be one big pity party from here on out unless you choose that route. You will feel sad, but less and less, and you will likely always love the other person in some way. That is okay. But you can come out of this far better than you were.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Arendt said:


> What are you doing with your time? Are you working out? Exercise will help your mental health tremendously as it takes your mind off things, helps you feel good about yourself as you make steady progress, and releases good chemicals in your body that counteract some of the other stuff.
> 
> What about friends? Did you become isolated a bit in your marriage? Do you need a wider social network?
> 
> ...


Thanks Arendt, you are right. Going out in the morning; walking/running with my dogs. Weathet is nice here. Also taking cooking classes, going out with my mom and sister. Going to India for 2.5 months next month. But during time at home you are right about just thinking same things. Will get a job when I return for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Today I went to a seminar in the morning, was great. And called 2 friends to meet but they already have plans... I am not giving up... asked my son (24) and his girlfriend if they want to go to the theater tonight. Tomorrow I have a farmers market day so planning a busy weekend. Have to get my life busy instead of miserable. 

Thank you!!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

If nobody wants to go to the theater, why not go it alone? It will get you out of the house and you'll have a good time regardless. I might do that tonight with the new X-Men. Still debating.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

LOL I was thinking the same, I can still invite my sister, another friend, or simply go alone... anything would be better than staying here  Today is H birthday, he is traveling for business, he hates it, I cant avoid to feel sorry for him, he is a very lonely person... but that's him right?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

So if you did not go out what would you do? Sit around moping and feeling sorry for your husband?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Right! So we went with my son and his girlfriend to the theater and had fun, it was a comedy (Defending the Caveman). Was so much fun and even got a headache of how much I laughed looking at woman-man differences. 

Thank you!!! Ready for my day at the farmers market tomorrow


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