# I want a divorce but am afraid to hurt my kids



## BassGuy919

I am in loveless, sexless marriage with a woman who can no longer stand me. She is reaping all the benefits of being my wife, but is no longer holding up her end of the bargain. She parties with friends and goes out and stays out late. She leaves me with the kids. She smokes pot everyday and speaks to me only rarely to communicate something that must be done, such as one child or another needing to be picked or dropped off. She still sort of cooks and cleans, sort of. I am the breadwinner but we need every penny including the ones she brings in from her crappy retail part time job. I don't want to finance my wife's affairs and partying, but if I get a divorce we'll probably lose the house and my kids will be cast into chaos. I feel trapped.


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## GuyInColorado

Wow, you kind of sound like me 6 months ago. I was in a 100% sexless marriage for the last 5 years of my 8 year marriage. We hated and resented each other greatly. Tried MC for a while, but it was pointless. 

I got fed up after a bad fight and started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy (free pdf online, search for it). Started finally talking to my family and friends about my joke of a marriage. Then I packed my bags and moved out. I finally got to the acceptance phase and didn't want to wait until my young kids were 18 to be happy. I moved out in early January and my divorce will be finalized tomorrow. I get my kids 50% of the time and pay around $450m in child support and $500m in daycare. $10K for both attorneys. Been dating an amazing woman for the last 4 months and couldn't be happier. Soooo worth it!! 

Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy and get your balls back. Start working out, get your body and mind in the best shape ever. Get your confidence back. Divorce sucks but living in a miserable sham of a marriage is so much worse!

Your are doormat right now letting your wife disrespect you. Take half your money and put it in your own bank account. Change your direct deposit to your new account. Get rid of any debts/payments. Go on a tight budget and figure out how to make it work. Go see an attorney and figure out how this will impact you financially. I paid $100 for a hour for my initial consultation. Some attorneys will do it for free.

Your kids deserve to not see your marriage has their benchmark. They will start to think this is what a normal marriage looks like and they will repeat it. Your kids will be fine living in two homes. My kids are 6 and 4, they are adapting just fine. As long as their mom and dad are both very active in their lives, they will be good. Just ask yourself this... if your kids were in the same situation and came to ask for your advice, would you want them to suffer and be unhappy? Hell no.... you want nothing but your kids to be happy. Your kids will want the same for you once they are old enough to understand.


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## Hope1964

No one should ever be with someone if it isn't by choice. Kids or no kids.

I walked out on my husband when I had a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old and never looked back. I was sick of exactly the same things you are - staying out, partying, cheating, not contributing. I took the kids with me and moved out on my own. Today they're grown and all doing very well.

Splitting with the parent of your kids is never ideal, but what are you showing them by staying and being your wife's doormat?


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## Holland

Yes you feel trapped and no wonder, your life sounds terrible. 
But you don't have to be trapped and IME kids can thrive post divorce. In some ways they can do even better than if they grow up seeing such dysfunction. 

Take some time to breath, work out a plan but whatever you do... do not let fear control your life.


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## GuyInColorado

Get evidence of her partying and drug use. Video record it. You can get 100% custody of your children, which you need to do. It will also make you not have to pay child support. 

Who cares about your home. You can get a new one. Who cares about your money. You can make more. You need to get happy and divorce this lady. Speak to an attorney first before serving her. Get a game plan. Start stashing cash in your work desk if you are able to right now.


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## alte Dame

My advice is to take a deep, centering breath and make an affirmative decision for yourself. Your kids will be OK.

Life is short and can be joyful. You aren't serving a prison sentence. Your children would not want that for you.

Go see an attorney and start to get an idea how things would look for you. Take the first step.


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## niceguy28

BassGuy919 said:


> I am in loveless, sexless marriage with a woman who can no longer stand me. She is reaping all the benefits of being my wife, but is no longer holding up her end of the bargain. She parties with friends and goes out and stays out late. She leaves me with the kids. She smokes pot everyday and speaks to me only rarely to communicate something that must be done, such as one child or another needing to be picked or dropped off. She still sort of cooks and cleans, sort of. I am the breadwinner but we need every penny including the ones she brings in from her crappy retail part time job. I don't want to finance my wife's affairs and partying, but if I get a divorce we'll probably lose the house and my kids will be cast into chaos. I feel trapped.


Document the marijuana usage. If you don't do drugs yourself this will help you in the divorce proceedings. Get as much dirt on her as possible. If she's hanging out all the time then that makes her unfit. Get her off of all your accounts if possible and start saving some money if you can. You need to get your affairs in order and then serve her with papers and don't look back.


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## BassGuy919

Thanks, everyone. I still am having a hard time, but the more I think about, the more I feel that my spouse lacks empathy and respect for me. I deserve a partner who can be with me without feeling as though she somehow settled. Their surely must be someone out there who would be just the right fit for me.

She can have her freedom, but her freedom will be at a great price. 
I take some consolation that I am not the one who wanted to throw in the towel. I wasn't the one to start partying at all hours. I am not the person who says mean and hurtful things to the father of her children.

BG919


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## sokillme

My parents were divorced when I was 7, father cheated. It was hard and I was sad. I saw my father one night a week and Friday and Saturday. He to this day he is my best friend. (I wouldn't want to be married to him, but that is another story). My parents could have never stayed married even without the A, they were too different and had grown apart. The affair was a symptom of that though that is no excuse.

Today I am happy and married for 12 years, 2 of my 3 sisters have been married for over 15 years. We all survived. 

Just to give you some perspective.


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## MachoMcCoy

Get out of that mess. Now. Whatever you have to do.


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## syhoybenden

It's far far better for the kids to have come from a broken home than to have to live in one.


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## ThreeStrikes

Yep,

1st step is consult with a lawyer to learn the D laws in your state.

*2nd is IC to learn why you have been willing to tolerate this relationship.*

Follow the advice given by the above posters about starting to separate your finances. DON'T FUND HER "LIVING SINGLE" LIFESTYLE!

Nearly all of us who have been where you are will tell you that it is better on the other side. 

More advice will come.


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## BassGuy919

First off, she's 43, but she's acting like she's 18. I'm 46. I do look young, but I could be in better shape. Secondly there is no way out of this mess without making a mess. But you're all right, I need to be a man and cut the cord. I am no chump. I just need to make a plan.
I can't even consider dating right now, like I said. I don't want to be alone, but a rebound relationship is just asking for it.

I hope my kids forgive me for what's about to happen. Maybe someday they will understand, I just hope they understand looking back and never have to face anything like this for themselves. But that's just the thing, their parents relationship will serve as blueprint for better or worse.

Thanks everyone,

BassGuy


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## philreag

Sorry Dude. Really close to my situation but my STBXW had an exit affair to force me to leave her. In retrospect, the best thing she could have ever done. I got out and its her fault. Around 40 a lot happens.

Work on yourself. Be the best Dad you can.

It gets better. Some good advice here.


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## Hope1964

Best of luck to you my friend. I truly hope that you come through this relatively unscathed, and your kids do too. It's going t o be hard, but in a couple years you'll look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner..


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## Cynthia

Who handles the family finances, you or her? Do you have a joint checking account? Does both her paycheck and yours go into that account? Please explain how the finances work in your home.


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## BassGuy919

She handles the finances, however I make most of the money. That is not to say we don't need her paycheck. Our finances are a mess. I wish I didn't have debt, it would be easier to get a divorce. I am afraid of losing the house. The housing market in my town, the prices are now out of range for me, where I barely was able to get in the house I am in now a few years back. I just can't stand living with her, she says I'm smothering her, but I keep trying to pull back, and she definitely keeps pushing back.

Anyway, there you go.

BassGuy


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## DellaStreet

But you're a bass player. That's excellent. :wink2: You'll have more time to dedicate to practice now.

You can teach your kids music at an early age. Sounds like you might have to be the more rational influence in their life.

I know it will be rough with the finances and all; I'd guess a majority of people wish they were better off financially. Not to minimize what you're gonna have to go through. But it won't be forever.

As long as you have a place to stay, food, functioning car; you'll be okay.


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## Pinksapphire

You cannot stay with a woman who is doing drugs and not taking care of her family. I know some people think that smoking grass is nothing but it is still a gateway drug that leads to other substances. I hope you have the courage to not only leave but seek custody of your children so that you can look after them properly. I'm really sorry she has dome this to you all.


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## Cynthia

BassGuy919 said:


> She handle the finances, however I make most of the money. That is not to say we don't need her paycheck. Our finances are a mess. I wish I didn't have debt, it would be easier to get a divorce. I am afraid of losing the house. The housing market in my town, the prices are now out of range for me, where I barely was able to get in the house I am in now a few years back. I just can't stand living with her, she says I'm smothering her, but I keep trying to pull back, and she definitely keeps pushing back.
> 
> Anyway, there you go.
> 
> BassGuy


I had a feeling that was the case. 
You need to take control of your own money. Letting her handle it puts you into an extremely vulnerable position. She can do anything she wants to manipulate you financially. Take that power away from her. This is not to punish her or to harm her in any way. It is to take responsibility for your money and make sure it is being handled in the best interests of the family. If you need to, start doing some reading on managing family finances and put that into practice.


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## BassGuy919

This is really very complicated. She doesn't make enough to support herself possibly even with child support and (unlikely in my state) spousal support. I can't afford an apartment for myself and pay everything else. I really am at loss here. 

Yes I want out, but I don't want myself, my kids, and even my ex to become homeless in the process.

Then to anyone who is in the same boat. How I can force myself to stomach this when I still in grieving mode? I am sort of accepting, but it's still sinking in. But her nonchalance at the whole situation is very upsetting to me. If I were tougher I probably wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. I know a lot people do the marriage of convenience thing, but I am just not in the emotional state to deal with that right now, although I really have no choice in the matter. 

I need ideas on how to deal, how to cope, because a divorce is not happening, at least not anytime soon.

Thanks to everyone for any ideas or positive comments and supportive comments.

BG919


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## Cynthia

Start by taking your power back. As I recommended above, you are responsible for your money and should either be controlling it or working equally with your wife to control it. Letting her have complete control over the finances is not helping matters.

How does smoking pot impact your wife's ability to function? Some people are actually more productive on marijuana than they are without it. I know a couple of people like that. I also have seen people who become slobs and don't care about anything when they are smoking pot. There are various factors that determine who will be positively impacted and who will be negatively impacted. I have a few friends who use it medicinally that I can objectively see that they function better when using pot than without it. I don't want to stir up a controversy. I'm just stating what I have observed. The state I live in is very liberal and I know a lot of people who use it, as it is legal here.

As far as forcing yourself to accept your situation, you have to feel your feelings and not stuff them down. Don't wallow in it. Acknowledge them and move forward.

Have a plan. Right now things are not good, but you can make changes that will have a positive impact. Sometimes it takes a long time for plans to come to fruition, but it is worth making and implementing a plan that will improve the future. What can you personally do to make things better? Could you go back to school to increase your earning power? 

You can learn how not to enable your wife's bad behaviors and how to set healthy boundaries for yourself and your children. This is not a hopeless situation. You have power to control yourself, but if you don't use that power, nothing will change.


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## BassGuy919

I have never been so depressed in my whole life. Even with individual therapy and anti-depressants, I still feel horrible.
I don't know how much more I can take.

I know I'm going to get it here in forums for saying this, but I feel like I never want to be at home anymore. If stay away then my kids miss out on me. But honestly, even when I'm there, I'm kind of a basket case. So, in all honesty I have checked out more than she has. I regret just about everything I've said on this forum or elsewhere about her. I do feel hurt, and betrayed, but she has every right to be happy, and if I can't make her happy, then what choice does she have? She thinks I can't or won't change and perhaps I can't. 

Now I just wish I had a fast forward button to get through what is going to be a miserable ordeal for me. I feel I'm trapped in a nightmare that I can't wake up from.


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## Cynthia

You are not trapped. There are things you can and should do to improve your life. If you keep thinking the way that you are thinking, things will get worse. Take control of your thought life.


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## Herschel

Make note of her drug usage. Take pictures and see what you can get from her spending money and your financial accounts. You may be able to work your way to having your kids full time and/or not having to pay her much in support.

Be diligent and start NOW.


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## GuyInColorado

Yep, you can get your kids 100% if she's doing drugs and that means NO child support to her. After the divorce, she's no longer your problem to support. 

My divorce took 6 months to finalize and it went very quickly. You just need to start the process now so you can get your new life starting ASAP. 

Put your life in perspective. People are dealing with 100x worse things than your joke of a marriage. A guy in my city last night accidentally backed up over his 2 year old daughter and killed her. That's real misery.


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## Unicus

Let me add something here for you to also ponder:

The kids are already cast into chaos by the unhappiness and dysfunction of your marriage. Divorce might be a way to stabilize their lives by removing the irritant they are currently exposed to.


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## Marc878

Kids aren't stupid. They know more than you think and seeing dad treated like you are WILL HAVE AN AFFECT on them.

First thing take over your finances and cut her off. It takes money to party. You currently are financing her lifestyle.

Cancel all joint credit cards. Now

Staying for the kids is usually an excuse to do nothing. 

Read it you definitely need it.
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=6FfEsXNO3akuwz_A5PXPyJTCAso-


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## Cynthia

It is unrealistic in most states to think that a parent will lose custody due to smoking pot. Does anyone here have any idea of the prevalence of pot smoking? Many of the lawyers and judges smoked pot at least in college. It is not considered a big deal by many people. I don't think it's good to give false hope.


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## wilson

I think a divorce will help your kids. You think they'll be hurt by the divorce, but I think they'll have a rougher time if you stay together. I see your relationship with your wife getting worse, much worse, over time. 

How old are your kids? How many?

Your wife won't end up homeless. She's an adult and will figure things out. She'll may have to work more hours, get a 2nd job, or move in with a roommate, but she won't be homeless unless that's what she wants to do. If she instead wants to party all the time, then that's her choice. You don't have to feel responsible for her actions. She's and adult and is responsible for her own choices.

It seems too much of your self-worth is tied up in your wife's actions. You need to take control of the situation or else you'll keep sliding downward. She's not going to turn around, especially if you are not strong. Talk to a lawyer about your options. The first consultation is often free. That will help you more clearly understand your situation.


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## Cynthia

You are allowing yourself to be a victim. Do want to be a victim? If not, then do something about it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and blaming all your troubles on your wife. She doesn't have that much power unless you give it to her.


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## BassGuy919

I hate being the victim. Although I always feel like I am. It was my depression and anxiety which drove my wife slowly away. I was bringing her down and she got sick of it.

Now I've lost just about everything I worked for. My wife, my kids, my house. I am going to be financially and emotionally ruined by this. 

I realized too late that I needed to happy with myself and with my life as it was. Because it was pretty good. I blew it. Now I wish I would have sought treatment earlier and got out of my own head for 5 minutes, maybe I would have seen how unhappy my wife and I could have fixed it. Now there is no hope of reconciliation. 

The funny thing is that the break up of marriage has dropped into my absolute worst depression I have ever had, which only cemented her feelings and accelerated the break up.

Depressed people deserve to have good relationships too. Again I wish I would have tried to seek treatment earlier. Ironically one the reasons I didn't is that my wife is so against modern medicine. She hates the idea of taking any kind of drug. She thinks everything can be fixed through meditation and force of will. No it cannot. 


BG919


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## BassGuy919

I noticed a harsher reply as been deleted.
But he was right. I have not filed for divorce yet, but I have separated from wife.
It's been a week, and while not ideal for me, I find some comfort in not having the source of all my pain be present around me each and everyday. 

You know what? I actually feel a little better. I should have done this months ago.

BG919


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## BassGuy919

Well sort of. I can tell I have long long road ahead of me. I am family man with no family now. I feel as I've lost a lot of who I am. Unlike my (eventual) ex-wife who walked away because she felt she didn't have a clear picture of who she was without the context of wife or mother, I was perfectly happy in role of husband and father. While I am still a father, my relationship right now with my kids is strained to say the least.

As far as husband, well, that's another thing entirely.
I hate being alone, but can't bare the thought of having to eventually be with someone else. I am definitely not ready now. Even though I have begun to HATE her in some ways, there is part of me that will always LOVE her. Always. I can't seem to do much about it.

BG919


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## Hope1964

You're gonna have up days and down days. Just take care of yourself. Your new reality will get better every day


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## BassGuy919

Thanks for the encouragement. Your online handle is very apt.

BG919


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## alte Dame

It won't feel like it for a while, but you will feel better. When you're in hell, keep going. You have no choice.

Have you tried to implement the 180? I think it would help you.

I'm sorry that you are at such a low point, but also believe that the dysfunction you were in is no way to live. I suspect you will come to see that.


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## sokillme

BassGuy919 said:


> I deserve a partner who can be with me without feeling as though she somehow settled.


You should be thinking, I deserve a partner who won't make me think *I settled.* It is very telling that even in this sentence you put her feelings in front of your own. Do you do that often? You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy. 

Maybe I am way off, but the fact that you haven't kick this woman out of your house when she is smoking pot an partying all night around your kids makes me think I am not, so I am going to be harsh. 

This selflessness to the point of having no personal expectations in your marriage is not healthy, it's not romantic, it's not love, it's just pathetic. No one wants a butler for a marriage partner. Woman are attracted to strength and assertiveness. You have agency in your own life, and in your own relationships. Take it.

Too much sacrificial love leads to one partner being sacrificed.


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## Begin again

I know four married couples who in the past two years end up with one or both partners having an affair while trying to "stick it out for the kids." so not only do those kids end up with divorced parents, they end up with cheating parents, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

BassGuy919 said:


> While I am still a father, my relationship right now with my kids is strained to say the least.


Well, whose fault is that? You COULD be seeing them every day, if you wanted to.

How much do you exercise? What sport are you involved in? What organization do you belong to? Where are you volunteering? All of these things could be removing, or helping to remove, your depression.


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## BassGuy919

I need to try to keep busy. You're right.
I have to through my self into work and my hobbies.

I have to keep mind off the demise of my 20 year marriage and the loss of greatest love.
I have to try to make myself better and be there for my kids.


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## BassGuy919

I guess I need to start a thread in the going through separation section.
Like I said I feel better sometimes. But I am just so lonely. I miss my kids. It's hard for a family man who now has much less of a family.

A new chapter begins.

BG919


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## WorkingWife

BassGuy919 said:


> I am in loveless, sexless marriage with a woman who can no longer stand me. She is reaping all the benefits of being my wife, but is no longer holding up her end of the bargain. She parties with friends and goes out and stays out late. She leaves me with the kids. She smokes pot everyday and speaks to me only rarely to communicate something that must be done, such as one child or another needing to be picked or dropped off. She still sort of cooks and cleans, sort of. I am the breadwinner but we need every penny including the ones she brings in from her crappy retail part time job. I don't want to finance my wife's affairs and partying, but if I get a divorce we'll probably lose the house and my kids will be cast into chaos. I feel trapped.


If she's smoking pot and partying all the time your kids are already in chaos. Or at least lack security from their mother.

It would suck to lose your house but seriously, weren't you happier when you were college age and didn't have a house - or wife who didn't love or respect you? 

Divorce is hard on kids. That is very true. But living with a stoner mom probably ain't no picnic either. It may take a few years but you can build back up and buy another house some day. I would take the kids and go. Good luck.


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