# Didn't love him when we got married



## limbo12 (Mar 26, 2012)

We dated for 7 years. We fought constantly. He was emotionally abusive. But we hung out in the same group of friends and the relationship continued out of ease.

When it came to the point where I wanted kids, I basically forced him to get married. I knew he wasn't the one for me and that we would probably get divorced one day.

But I wanted kids, was scared of starting over, had no confidence in myself...

Now 5 years into our marriage and two little children, the reality of life is hitting me. He's changed his ways so much! He doesn't yell anymore. He'll do anything to keep me. 

But I don't love him. Certainly not enough to stay with him forever or even until our kids are in college.

I know in my heart that I'll be happier without him, but taking the step to get a divorce is SOOO hard. My kids...his feelings...finances...

Anyone been in a similar situation where you didn't HAVE to leave the marriage, but you knew in your heart that it would be the best for YOU?

How did you bite the bullet and make that selfish decision?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

??????????????????????????


this is just horrible.

maybe you can take all his assets and put him on skid row even kick him as you walk past with you new man that you will some day kick him to the curb also.


had to get that off my chest.


now maybe just realise you have a solid man there who loves and suports you like no other will. and put this bull crap behind you.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

limbo12 said:


> How did you bite the bullet and make that selfish decision?


How do you describe your decision to force a guy to marry you that you didn't love and now want out?


You brought children into the world with a man you didn't live, and now you want to leave so you can be happy.

How did you get it so backwards?


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## limbo12 (Mar 26, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> How do you describe your decision to force a guy to marry you that you didn't love and now want out?
> 
> 
> You brought children into the world with a man you didn't live, and now you want to leave so you can be happy.
> ...


Good question. I don't know.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> ??????????????????????????
> 
> 
> this is just horrible.
> ...


Exactly, I think any man reading this just shivered with horror.


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## limbo12 (Mar 26, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> ??????????????????????????
> 
> 
> this is just horrible.
> ...


I wish it were this easy. He's "solid" now because he's scared of losing me. But he's cheated on me for years. Had family issues that anyone would have left their fiance for but I didn't. And he has screamed and berated me for years and years. He isn't a solid man who loves me and supports me like no other will. He IS trying, but I know it can't all last.

Anyway, yes, my decisions were so stupid. I freely admit that. I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in a similar situation and what they did.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

limbo12 said:


> Good question. I don't know.


You say it right here:

"But I wanted kids, was scared of starting over, had no confidence in myself... "

I think you need to quit being a little girl and grow up be accountable for your actions.

You also mentioned he was emotionally abusive, so he played his part. 


But it seems you both contributed and now you brought kids in the world.


I think you need to start being more honest with yourself and him and at least tell him you're not happy.

Maybe some marriage conseling.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You were selfish when you started this marriage, don't know why you're worried about how to end it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

limbo12 said:


> I wish it were this easy. He's "solid" now because he's scared of losing me. But he's cheated on me for years. Had family issues that anyone would have left their fiance for but I didn't. And he has screamed and berated me for years and years. He isn't a solid man who loves me and supports me like no other will. He IS trying, but I know it can't all last.
> 
> Anyway, yes, my decisions were so stupid. I freely admit that. I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in a similar situation and what they did.





> He's changed his ways so much! He doesn't yell anymore. He'll do anything to keep me.


Well which one is it? You can't even make a consistent assessment of this man your opinion of him has flip flopped like 6 times in less than 3 posts ... who is the problem here, you or him?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Give it some time, because your expectation that he is only doing enough to keep you from leaving could be wrong. Maybe he has grown up. 

I know you do not want to give it time, but unless there is already someone else in the picture (and if you want good advice, be honest about that), time may be your best ally. No one will blame you if he reverts to his former ways--it's wrong to stay with someone abusive, and your kids don't deserve to be raised that like. If, however, he has really changed, you *might* actually grow to love him--people in arranged marriages sometimes do. 

lots of us made poor marital decisions out of bad self-esteem. Try to give it time, for the sake of your kids. If you are already involved with someone else, you need to cut that right out of your life whether you leave or not--because all you'll be doing is making another big mistake. It's one thing to leave a man b/c you do not love him and cannot be the type of wife, or have the type of marriage, you believe is worth having. It's another thing to seek solace in the hands of a lover rather than face your FIRST mistake alone, take the time to get counseling, and learn to live happily single if the marriage isn't going to work. Piling betrayal onto the divorce (if time doesn't help) won't help either, but I'm not making a moral judgment--I'm saying, it is just always, always wrong to leave someone for another relationship b/c you won't fix the problems with YOU. There's a reason second marriages have a 77% failure rate. 

Good luck.

edit: yes, I was in a similar situation and stuck it out for 21 years. Still had kids at home, but they weren't little anymore (youngest was 9). I left when I felt I was getting to the point of having an affair--just didn't want to add that an already difficult situation. I knew that having an affair is just a lack of courage to leave, and that leaving to face things on my own was the only way to leave, if I really couldn't stay. It was really scary, but I survived. One way or another, you will too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

limbo12 said:


> I wish it were this easy. He's "solid" now because he's scared of losing me. But he's cheated on me for years. Had family issues that anyone would have left their fiance for but I didn't. And he has screamed and berated me for years and years. He isn't a solid man who loves me and supports me like no other will. He IS trying, but I know it can't all last.
> 
> Anyway, yes, my decisions were so stupid. I freely admit that. I'm just curious if anyone on here has been in a similar situation and what they did.


thats a much more clear picture....

maybe try 1 more time now thats hes sees your serious. and then if it don't work then move on.

But I somehow smell more is going on....anyone else your interested in or has shown interest in you?


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## limbo12 (Mar 26, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> You say it right here:
> 
> "But I wanted kids, was scared of starting over, had no confidence in myself... "
> 
> ...


We are in counseling, both together and separate. We have been 100 percent honest with each other. I am actually trying to give it time. But that's really hard on him and he keeps trying to put time limits on it because he can't handle the pain of not knowing. I don't blame him at all, but I also don't want to just make a quick decision.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> ??????????????????????????
> 
> 
> this is just horrible.
> ...


:iagree: :iagree:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

He has changed; now you have to ask yourself if you can. If you cannot find anything to love about him, then let him go so that he can find someone who wants him. No one deserves to be in a marriage like this.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

limbo12 said:


> We are in counseling, both together and separate. We have been 100 percent honest with each other. I am actually trying to give it time. But that's really hard on him and he keeps trying to put time limits on it because he can't handle the pain of not knowing. I don't blame him at all, but I also don't want to just make a quick decision.


When men do that to women, they call it "stringing them along."

I think there is a right thing to do here, but you both need to be fair and amicable.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Let the poor man go so he can have some happiness that's not based on false hope.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

limbo12 said:


> How did you bite the bullet and make that selfish decision?


I'm thinking you don't need advice on how to be selfish because it seems like you've got that one down pat? :scratchhead:


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> ??????????????????????????
> 
> 
> this is just horrible.
> ...



What are you going to do, shame her into loving him?
Some people on here have had affairs and weren't met with this much hostility. And may I also remind you guys that some people on here used to be strippers, alcoholics or have cheated for a whole decade.
People get married for all kinds of horrible reasons, they're just never as blunt about it.
And even though she clarified it in follow-up posts, it is clear from the original post that he was abusive.

What I get from a lot of people answering is that you should stick with your choices in life no matter what.
I disagree. You've never loved him. So leave him. There's no better time than now.
Something about marriage makes people think you have to give your life and soul for any person, no matter how horrible they are for each other. And before you say: "It's marriage, duh", just think of how anybody can go to the courthouse. 
Almost anybody, anyways.
What I mean is that just because two people who are ill-suited for each other got married, doesn't retrospectively mean it must have been love after all. That's false inference. 
(If P, then Q. P. Therefore, Q. People who love each other get married. This couple is married. Therefore they must love each other. False. Cannot extrapolate from statement Q. Just making sure you get my point.)


It really is as simple as leaving someone if you don't love them. And I am not talking about leaving someone because the love-high has worn of in a sh!t storm off bills, responsibilities and diapers, but a complete lack of love. There's no cure for not loving someone, not even shame, and nobody needs to sit marriage out like a life sentence.

Was what she did stupid? What does it matter now? Quantifying someone's choices in degrees of idiocy doesn't solve the problem, either. 
And on a final note: Even people who have committed the sin of idiocy are allowed to live a happy life. But, again, it doesn't have to be by lying in the bed you made. It's by setting things straight.
In her case, it will be divorce.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're post is going to rub raw the nerves of many men on here whose wives, betrayed or left them despite their desire to salvage the marriage - and there are many of them. 

Although I do appreciate your openess and honesty. You are in a difficult situation.

My piece is quite simple.

You have already made a series of incredibly bad decisions.

Start making some good ones. Good decisions for yourself and your children.

And I'm not going to accuse you of anything, but ... if all of this has come to head because there is someone else ... then you're about to make another bad decision. Don't.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

limbo12 said:


> We dated for 7 years. We fought constantly. He was emotionally abusive. But we hung out in the same group of friends and the relationship continued out of ease.
> 
> When it came to the point where I wanted kids, I basically forced him to get married. I knew he wasn't the one for me and that we would probably get divorced one day.
> 
> ...


You’ve proven yourself to be an extremely self-centred, deceitful woman prepared to do almost anything to get what you want for yourself. Even to the point of knowingly lying when taking your marriage vows!!!!


Tell me. Why should anyone here believe a word you now say?


See that’s the problem. When you lose that all important credibility and integrity nobody, including your husband, can ever believe you again.


How do you turn it all around? Don’t be so self-centred. Do right by other people even at cost to yourself!


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Although you two didn't come together in the normal fashion(you fall in love,commit your undying love and then you marry)...this doesn't mean you can't make this work. It also doesn't mean that if you go into marriage this way,things will be all sunshine and roses-as many here can attest to.

One person gave a great analogy-take for example East Indian marriages. In most cases neither person loved each other when they married. Talk to a lot of those same couples,and through the years they describe your feelings,and frustrations. How do a lot of them make it work? Some people had a vision of what their marriage was supposed to be "like"...when that vision doesn't coordinate with what it's really like,they get disillusioned with their RESPONSIBILITY in making it work-it take's TWO to tango. 

The question isn't whether you have the gumption to get a divorce(considering how EASY it is to do these days!!)..the REAL question is what you're willing to do to make your marriage work.

Yes you pointed out you don't love him,or ever did. Question-have you ever BOTHERED since he started to improve himself,or through the years to find the good things in him-to LOVE HIM for him without all the judgement and scrutiny? What people are trying to convey to you from their own experiences(men&women) is that you have to take responsibility for YOUR ACTIONS in this marriage gone bad. While you're supposedly trying to take those steps with counselling,at the same time you want us to see you as the poor victim that has to run away from it all...I can bet your partner has been frustrated with you in the past. You're no perfect than he is 

Giving up is the cowards way...he has CHANGED for you...give him the decency of fighting for your relationship,rewinding all the years and giving yourself the chance to fall in love with him. You don't have to be best buddies to make it work. See him as the next guy you would have dated-erase all the negatives you've pasted about him in your mind. Erase all the past hurt and anger-and accept you've from DAY I have had a "user" mentality. 

What you read on this forum in response to your post,is not nearly as harsh as the reality of divorce. The emotional impact it will have on your children(I have lived it as a child,it's NOT PRETTY)...your finances and most importantly-if you never bother to work out the issues in your relationship to the best of your side of things,you WILL drag those same issues to your next relationship...and wonder ALL ALONG why the next guy,and next guy,and next guy is not working for you Your beliefs and actions are a large problem here as much as your husband's were in the past...once you exhaust everything you can do to make your partnership work,THEN, if you feel there's nothing left you can do...then at that point you can consider divorce. 

Off my soapbox now


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The most selfish thing you could do is drag this out. By your own admission, you never loved him. That is pretty cold. 

The sooner you end it, the better.

He deserves a chance w/ someone who genuinely cares for him.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

Deejo said:


> And I'm not going to accuse you of anything, but ... if all of this has come to head because there is someone else ... then you're about to make another bad decision. Don't.



This was my first thought after reading the op. I am betting this is being left out.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

DanglingDaisy said:


> Although you two didn't come together in the normal fashion(you fall in love,commit your undying love and then you marry)...this doesn't mean you can't make this work.
> 
> One person gave a great analogy-take for example East Indian marriages. In most cases neither person loved each other when they married.
> 
> ...


So you're saying any two people, no matter how little they have in common and how little they like each other can make a life-long exclusive commitment work? Then why do we even date? Let's all just go back to arranged marriages, if we're all so adaptable to any random stranger to be intimate with us for a lifetime.

East Indian marriages...are we really going there? Arranged marriages are a thing of the past for most, thank god, and there's nothing good about them.

It's not easy to get a divorce. People always say that. I rarely see people just throw in the towel for no reason. They mostly try as much as they could, for years, before they walk away. Some things are lost causes. Her marriage is an example of a lost cause. You can't make a marriage like that work.
Marriage is an abstract, non-living entity. What it represents is the intimate life of two people. If those two people cannot live together, there is no marriage. In her case, what is really so awful about divorce? 
Why is it that she has to make this work no matter what? 

How do you learn to love someone, that's what you're saying. You can't. You either do, or you don't.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

limbo12 said:


> How did you bite the bullet and make that selfish decision?


The same way you bit the bullet when you made the selfish decision to marry him without loving him, just to get legitimate kids.

You should have been honest & just told him you were looking for a sperm donor. IMO, you were kind of selfish back then. Have you changed enough to be worried about being selfish now??

If so, maybe there is hope for the marriage.


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## Sorrowsx (Apr 2, 2012)

Well, I married a man I didn't love. This was twelve years ago now. 

I was twenty-one. My heart was broken by a guy I loved, he dumped me. At the same time my dad told me I was a worthless piece of trash and no one would ever love me. I met this man through some friends. He was friendly and I started dating him, he should have been a rebound. But, he wanted to marry me and I figured, I guess marrying someone who wanted to marry you was better than being alone forever. But I didn't love him.

We dated three months then got married. He was 25 and I was 21. The friendliness went away. He was a con-man. He was very selfish and condesending. Treated me like I was a little girl with no brain. Left me alone most of the time. I had a big inheritance from my mother who was passed away. He took all of that money and spent it. Once he spent $30,000 in three days. At 23 I had a child, and I was glad I had my child because he was my only companion. 

I was married to a man I didn't love and was slowly growing to hate. I told him I didn't love him but didn't know what to do. He started forcing himself on me (yes, we were married but that doesn't matter.) I was terrified of him. But when I was 25 I met a man that I fell in love with. So, I built up courage and left my ex-husband. 

I didn't take alimony, because I knew what I had done was wrong. He left me over $30,000 in debt and homeless, when I met him I had over $150,000 in savings. Because I was homeless he got custody of my son. I married the man I met, he is now my husband, adn I have two more sons. We live paycheck to paycheck, but I was always happy because I was with the man I love. 

But, now I am almost 33 and I fear karma is come after me. Because although I endured having him force himself on me, and I lost my oldest son, which almost killed me, and was homeless, and lost all my money... now my husband sometimes he is still my husband who loves me. Other times he acts like he hates me. Sometimes he is the man I married. Sometimes he is mean and cold. And now he spends no time with me, just locks himself up in his office. Karma comes back 10x10 on you. 

So, you may leave and be happier, but karma will come. A loveless marriage is no marriage at all. But karama comes back for what you did for selfishness.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

Sorrowsx said:


> So, you may leave and be happier, but karma will come. A loveless marriage is no marriage at all. But karama comes back for what you did for selfishness.



Yes, it is scientifically proven. Take care of your own happiness in life, but be warned: You will get hit with a piano from above one day.
Give me a break. 

I am sorry your life was hell. But what you said about karma made me furious.

She already paid for her mistake: She was in an abusive marriage. Changing her life won't ignite some supernatural being's wrath.
Everybody deserves a second chance, if they are willing to life their life in honesty and with integrity. What I hear from your post is that you somehow think you deserved the rapes and the death of your son. I am so sorry you think that. It's not true.
It's not Karma that did this to you, it's the insane person who you're married to.

Human beings are entitled to the pursuit of happiness, and nobody needs to give a pound of flesh for having made a mistake. But I can see where you learned those shaming-and-blaming techniques after years of negative reinforcement.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

AllThePrettyHorses, I am SO glad you came along to this thread...you saved me some typing & I can be long winded lol

You gave sage advice.

I don't understand why so many posters here are rabidly attacking the OP. She already knows she has made poor choices. She already knows she created a situation where people are going to be hurt. That's WHY she came here...for guidance. Y'all really need to learn how to back up and recall why you're here. Hint: It isn't so you can have fresh blood with each new poster who admits serious personal flaws.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

itgetsbetter said:


> AllThePrettyHorses, I am SO glad you came along to this thread...you saved me some typing & I can be long winded lol
> 
> You gave sage advice.
> 
> I don't understand why so many posters here are rabidly attacking the OP. She already knows she has made poor choices. She already knows she created a situation where people are going to be hurt. That's WHY she came here...for guidance. Y'all really need to learn how to back up and recall why you're here. Hint: It isn't so you can have fresh blood with each new poster who admits serious personal flaws.


You know, I think a lot of it is projection.
People were hurt by the spouse that left them/cheated on them. I get and respect that.
But it doesn't apply here.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> You know, I think a lot of it is projection.
> People were hurt by the spouse that left them/cheated on them. I get and respect that.
> But it doesn't apply here.


My ex-husband beat on me, cheated and cheated and finally left me with 3 small kids...homeless and no job and no money and a broke down van...to go move in with his girlfriend.

I get how much pain is involved.

I just don't think it's any excuse to attack other people like that. You're kinder than I  It gets me a little fired up lol


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

itgetsbetter said:


> My ex-husband beat on me, cheated and cheated and finally left me with 3 small kids...homeless and no job and no money and a broke down van...to go move in with his girlfriend.
> 
> I get how much pain is involved.
> 
> I just don't think it's any excuse to attack other people like that. You're kinder than I  It gets me a little fired up lol


No, you're right.
I for example rarely answer the threads where people say they have cheated. I have nothing nice to say, so I shut up. In fact, there are one or two former wayward TAM members who are pretty popular, and I have to steer clear of them.
If they can open their mouth on TAM, so can the OP in this thread.

I hope you found happiness. The way I understand it is that you're happily remarried now, right?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> You know, I think a lot of it is projection.
> People were hurt by the spouse that left them/cheated on them. I get and respect that.
> But it doesn't apply here.


You gotta be kidding!

The OP MASSIVELY BETRAYED HER HUSBAND! And now she’s more than likely SCAPEGOATING him through further lies and deceits because she wants out!

After SEVEN YEARS OF BETRAYAL she has not a good word to say about him!!!!

And it goes further in that she feels NO REMORSE for her actions whatsoever.

She is an exceedingly SELF-CENTRED person and may even be narcissistic.


She has told all here just how capable she is of deceiving and lying her way into one of the most sacred of all relationships, her marriage.


And then you believe every word she utters. I find that really quite amazing.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

AFEH said:


> You gotta be kidding!
> 
> The OP MASSIVELY BETRAYED HER HUSBAND! And now she’s more than likely SCAPEGOATING him through further lies and deceits because she wants out!
> 
> ...



It's not really a sacred relationship if she never loved him. It's a marriage license with nothing behind it: No feelings, no loyalty, nothing.
His cheating and abuse didn't bring their relationship any closer to the definition of marriage, either.

Is this something I would do? No. Just because I am advising her on what to do, doesn't mean I agree with where she is in life. But face it she must.

What do you want from her, I would love to know. Do you want her to stay with him? Fall in love with him? Do you want them to find out they were meant for each other after all? These are unrealistic hopes. 

Everything you said is true. Every single thing. But it didn't change anything. After you analyzed her actions, she's still married to someone she never loved.
It's as though you explained what illness a person has, what it feels like, how it came into being and what they could have done to avoid it. And yet stating all these correct observations has no bearing on remedying the illness. Everything uttered is entirely irrelevant to the course of treatment.

You're looking at it from what you think marriage means. The marriage in your and my head and the factual marriage she has have nothing in common. They couldn't be further apart. What she did takes away from what marriage truly is, takes away from love. If she can do one thing, it is teaching her children that any couple can get pregnant, yet not every couple can live together.


Did she lie and betray and use him? Hell to the yes.
Even more so do I say: She needs to leave him.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> It's not really a sacred relationship if she never loved him. It's a marriage license with nothing behind it: No feelings, no loyalty, nothing.
> His cheating and abuse didn't bring their relationship any closer to the definition of marriage, either.
> 
> Is this something I would do? No. Just because I am advising her on what to do, doesn't mean I agree with where she is in life. But face it she must.
> ...


As far as I’m concerned from the words out of her own mouth she is a proven liar. She has absolutely no credibility or integrity. So it’s way beyond me why you believe what she says about her husband! He is very much more than likely her scapegoat for her own exceedingly bad behaviour.


She’s very much more than likely manipulating the heck out of you just like she did her husband.


Now if she were remorseful and asked for help about changing her ways, her character, that would be a totally different matter. But she hasn’t done that so she’s more than likely entered TAM in exactly the same way she entered her marriage! That is, based on lies and deceits for her own exceedingly self-centred reasons!


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

AFEH said:


> The OP MASSIVELY BETRAYED HER HUSBAND!
> 
> She is an exceedingly SELF-CENTRED person and may even be narcissistic.


What do you think the women are doing that are withholding sex from the men who come to TAM? 
They hold out on their men for decades, causing them depression, exhaustion, aches and pains and nothing but grief in a physical and emotional sense. 
It's nothing but utter selfishness, narcissism and deceit to have a man marry you and then never let him touch you.
I could make a long list of how some things on here just smack of a lack of love that is so obvious it essentially could be a neon sign. And yet people keep telling those men to stick around, to improve, to try harder, to wait longer.

Some relationships are a marriage in name only. Some start out like that, some become like that. Many marriages on TAM are like that: They're marriages because a paper was signed, and then the spouse checks out completely.

I resent that with every inch of my being. Marriage means everything to me - if love, consideration and mutual effort is involved.
Anything else is not a marriage.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

AFEH said:


> As far as I’m concerned from the words out of her own mouth she is a proven liar. She has absolutely no credibility or integrity. So it’s way beyond me why you believe what she says about her husband! He is very much more than likely her scapegoat for her own exceeding bad behaviour.
> 
> 
> She’s very much more than likely manipulating the heck out of you just like she did her husband.
> ...


You think just because someone openly voices that they would choose a divorce over years of counseling, she must be a liar?

I don't buy half the stuff "former waywards" say on here, not a tenth of it, in fact. This is what she said. I have to go based on the information given. Will I ever know the whole truth? Frankly, I don't care that much. It's not my marriage, so I won't lose sleep over it if she did lie.
But I do know that people getting married even though they knew they weren't in love is not that uncommon.
It's shaming them into what they _should_ feel that perpetuates the problem.
Some things are nothing but ugly truths. Break-ups and "I don't love you"'s are ugly truths. Yet no amount of embellishment or hoping or even noble sacrifice will change that.

AFEH, I have read some posts earlier by other people on TAM that made me physically ill.
Men who cheated on their wives. Men who admitted that they would never forgive what they were forgiven for, and that their BS would have been better off leaving. They even admitted that to this day they continue to lie about what really went on in the affair just because otherwise their spouse would have never been able to forgive. Does that sound like remorse to you? Like true consideration for the limited time of his spouse on this earth? Like love?
I have no patience for cheaters, not even the "recovered" ones, and nothing explains infidelity away.

If someone acts like they don't love you, they don't. Sexless marriages, infidelity, abuse: It's all for a lack of love, no matter how many times people on here say everybody can slip.

Let me tell you something: NOT everybody can slip. Some end the relationship before they put someone else through years of PTSD hell.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> *You think just because someone openly voices that they would choose a divorce over years of counseling, she must be a liar?*
> 
> I don't buy half the stuff "former waywards" say on here, not a tenth of it, in fact. This is what she said. I have to go based on the information given.
> 
> ...


That’s not what I said, that’s just your strawman.


Maybe you just don’t know what a liar is?

A lie is: to say or write something which is not true in order to deceive someone.

For me a person who takes an oath of marriage (“I promise to …..”) knowing full well every word they utter is a lie is a liar who is way beyond contempt!

They have no credibility and no integrity!


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## annie2 (Apr 3, 2012)

thank you for sharing your story.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

You are lost lady. Your plan was ridiculous..... to find a guy to have children with then looking for a man of your dream. Geeeee

Do you think you will go out there and find your great dream man ready to take and raise 2 children not of their own??? 
I once dated a woman that I really liked and thought I like her child as well, but when I moved in with her, the reality proved me that It is not my thing and that I will be patience and find a woman with no child.
Raising and care a child of another man is not easy...I broke up with that woman because I realized I can not deal with it.

I a,m not saying no man can do it, but I believe very very few of them. You must be exceptionally special woman. Judging from your character you explained here..... you are not among them, not even close!!!!!!

People should really think before making major decisions in their lives. Children are not commodities, they are human being and decisions relation to children are to be taken very seriously so we do not have to put them into horrible lives.

I am out!!!


limbo12 said:


> We dated for 7 years. We fought constantly. He was emotionally abusive. But we hung out in the same group of friends and the relationship continued out of ease.
> 
> When it came to the point where I wanted kids, I basically forced him to get married. I knew he wasn't the one for me and that we would probably get divorced one day.
> 
> ...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> It's not really a sacred relationship if she never loved him. It's a marriage license with nothing behind it: No feelings, no loyalty, nothing.


Sorry, but this idea alone costs you a lot of credibility. The sacred aspect of marriage, the loyalty, feelings, etc. is in the heart of the participant? By your own statement his cheating does not matter, because she did not love him so there was no duty of loyalty. That is of course absurd. They both made a promise. That they did so under false pretenses does not excuse their decision to later break that promise. 

To the OP - I won't rehash the silly decisions you made leading up to this. I will ask you to put on your big girl panties, step back and figure out what is the best way for an adult to address this mess. You have kids involved as well as a man who by your own admission has changed and is trying. Take your time to figure out whether this is something that can be salvaged. Look into individual and marriage counseling - this will be helpful regarding of what you do. I am not telling you to stay, but I am telling you to really look hard at all the options. You have kids, so you don't get to be selfish anymore. They are part of the decision as well, so you need to think about their needs as well.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

As Tall Average Guy said 

Shoot me for mentioning arranged marriages,but ideally isn't THIS what you put yourself in?! You decided to marry a man you didn't love 

I'm NOT saying because you didn't love him,you should be forced to keep trekking. It's your life-you'll ultimately do what's in your own best interest.

We're all trying to give you some things to consider. I know it's really nice to have people support and encourage us when we're feeling low Unfortuntely people also have experience and opinions that at times,can help us see outside of our personal confined boxes..or better yet, allow us to firm up our personal believes and decisions which they challenged.

I want you to consider that the ugly truth about divorce-is that you will STILL be forced to interact with your partner even once you move away or move on. Divorce usually takes YEARS to settle,and if you have children, you will be forced to play nice for visitations etc. You will have to deal with your child(ren)'s hurt,resent,anger,lowered self esteem from ripping the family apart. If you choose divorce,you will still need to seek individual counselling to deal with the reasons/decision you made during the marriage,why you settled,lied etc. so you don't take those subconscious metta scripts to your next relationship.

There's a lot to consider whether you choose to leave or not. Hopefully you don't take either decision lightly.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

limbo12 said:


> I know in my heart that I'll be happier without him, but taking the step to get a divorce is SOOO hard. My kids...his feelings...finances...
> 
> Anyone been in a similar situation where you didn't HAVE to leave the marriage, but you knew in your heart that it would be the best for YOU?


Half the still married people in the world I suspect.



limbo12 said:


> How did you bite the bullet and make that selfish decision?


I think the only answer to recognise that pain passes in the end and that you will adapt to your new situation, whatever that turns out to be, post-divorce. For example, maybe you live in a nice house now and you'll have to live in a small apartment afterwards. That may seem a big deal now but, once you've been doing it for a while, it'll just seem normal.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did the OP ever come back?


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Did the OP ever come back?


Given the reception she got, I suspect not!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

grenville said:


> Given the reception she got, I suspect not!


in which case there was nothing we could have written to help her anyway.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Sorry, but this idea alone costs you a lot of credibility. The sacred aspect of marriage, the loyalty, feelings, etc. is in the heart of the participant? *By your own statement his cheating does not matter, because she did not love him so there was no duty of loyalty.* That is of course absurd. They both made a promise. That they did so under false pretenses does not excuse their decision to later break that promise.


I _never_ said that, and that doesn't even make sense if you use logical deduction. Look exactly at what I wrote. 
Someone called her marriage her most important, sacred relationship. It's not. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And it's not even a mystery as to why I would think that. It's a fact. 
If they wanted to make it work, they would have.
Since they cheated, lied and abused - they obviously don't love each other. That's all I said.

I am saying that a relationship like that should end. I didn't say cheating in a relationship like that didn't count or was okay or anything like that.


What I am saying is she's an impostor and so is he. They are the reason divorce statistics are what they are.

Imagine hiring a civil engineer for your company. He builds a bridge, it collapses, and kills a bunch of people. You investigate. It turns out: He never went to a single class. His BS in Civil Engineering never existed.
Is your first thought to send him to a workshop to update his skills so he can fix the collapsed bridge? Do you think because he lied about being an engineer deep down there must be a true engineer in him? No, that's absurd.
You fire him and hire someone who actually went to university.
Nowhere in this scenario would it be legitimate for the guy to have lied about having been an engineer, but I can see how people are that false.
That's all I said.

And on a final note:
People who aren't committed to each other often cheat. I didn't come up with this, it's a brute fact. It exists independent of my behavior, of my knowledge and of anything I do. 
That I say that out loud doesn't mean I condone it. You seriously cannot see the difference?


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Lon said:


> in which case there was nothing we could have written to help her anyway.


I rather meant the vehemence of some of the responses rather than the content specifically. This being the internet, not a carefully controlled group therapy session, she should have expected that of course.


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