# Do You Let Your Wife Disrespect You In Front Of Others?



## gene_vincent (Jan 10, 2016)

I had dinner with an old friend and his wife a few nights ago and it was cringe-inducing...

From blatant open unadulterated public shaming; like, _"omg you're from HIS hometown?? that place is such a ****hole, I would NEVER spend another minute there, what a dump, crappy place, I can't believe how bad it is"_. To public ribbing that hits a little too close to home, _"He just wont quit eating." "He cant even see his shoes"_. Even making a joke about his penis size. It was brutal. I had to pull him aside later on and ask _"are you two okay?"_ and he assured me it was fine and they were harmless jokes.

I don't know if I'd be able to put up with that, honestly. I'm still thinking about how disrespectful it all was.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

gene_vincent said:


> I had dinner with an old friend and his wife a few nights ago and it was cringe-inducing...
> 
> From blatant open unadulterated public shaming; like, _"omg you're from HIS hometown?? that place is such a ****hole, I would NEVER spend another minute there, what a dump, crappy place, I can't believe how bad it is"_. To public ribbing that hits a little too close to home, _"He just wont quit eating." "He cant even see his shoes"_. Even making a joke about his penis size. It was brutal. I had to pull him aside later on ask _"are you two okay?"_ and he assured me it was fine and they were harmless jokes.
> 
> I don't know if I'd be able to put up with that, honestly. I'm still thinking about how disrespectful it all was.



I would have left


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

My husband has a friend whose wife is this way. It is really cringe worthy. I can't imagine talking about my husband this way, or him talking this way about me. Heck, if your spouse doesn't have your back, then who does? 

Not only would I never talk this way about my husband, I don't like people who do talk crap about him, that will put you on my dislike list right quick and you don't really ever come off if it either. I don't get it.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

My wife would never do anything like that. Why would she want people to think less of me? Wouldn't that lower *her *status as my wife too?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I have seen both men and women do this to their partners, sometimes under the guise of jest and other times seriously nasty stuff. Either way it is at the very least it is the sign of socially clueless people. Keep it at home people, none of us want to be witness to this behaviour.

OP I doubt everything is fine with your friend.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's verbal abuse.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

My SO had a habit of doing that.

Especially when we were in a grouping of my friends.

She got real vicious one time (she was pissed at me about something - probably that I was breathing or something like that).

It was funny, she made her scathing comment, the whole able went silent and everyone looked at me.

I gave a sigh and said "you know, you're sitting there making your nasty comments, trying to make me look stupid. The only issue is, you choose me. If I'm so stupid, what does that make you for choosing me"

That was pretty much the end of the nasty comments. That was years ago. She hasn't been like that since.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I would never do this either. I ALWAYS have my husbands back publicly, even if I disagree with him. I have no qualms about disagreeing with him in private, or calling him out on something, but never in front of others. He's the same with me.

God help anyone who badmouths him in front of me too....holy moly will they get a mouthful!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My STBX would do this. Took everything to refrain from punching her lights out. I'm sure your friend is in a miserable marriage, a lot of us have been there before.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yes but I get to spank her later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sad. Sounds like she has destroyed his confidence. He now accepts it as normal. 

And to answer your question NO! I don't let my wife or anybody else disrespect me.

But respect is something that is earned. Earned everyday by your action and interactions. Buy him no more mister nice guy and hold on to your nuts. Maybe mail it to him on the sly. Maybe he will take it to heart .


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

No, that would be the beginning of the end. To me this is HUGE. I'd never do that to my wife. Ever.

I don't like people who participate in this kind of behavior. There is a pair of parents on on my daughter's sports team and both my wife and I don't like them because of it. My daughter kind of had a crush on their son, and I told my daughter that if she just needed to look at his parents, and consider what he had as a guide to relationships. She lost interest quickly after that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GuyInColorado said:


> My STBX would do this. Took everything to refrain from punching her lights out. I'm sure your friend is in a miserable marriage, a lot of us have been there before.


The old me used to do exactly that!

For what it's worth...my old lady had the respect to disrespect me behind my back...even if that respect was out of fear.

Hell IDK but maybe it was a game they were playing and he was getting off on the humiliation?

What's sad is I use to do this shyt to my old lady and it sucked...it made me feel like shyt later and it sure as hell made my old lady feel like crap.

My point is ...if this was not a game they were playing then the both of them are missing out on so much by being a punch of phuck ups in #1 how she treats him and #2 how he allows it. To me it sounds like two unhappy folks going through a shytie life.

How phucking sad for the both of them! Think about it...he is stuck with a b1thch and she is stuck with a wimp.

Were are the needs being met?

Or are they?


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## GB McKenna (Apr 6, 2016)

Sadly, he's a dead man walkin. Once the disdain reaches a level well past subtle, the point where it becomes normalized into a kind of banter, she no longer sees him as a man. He is a male in her eyes. Undeserving of human dignity. 

He needs to focus on improving himself, slowly (because there is really no fast, easy way) carving out a life within a life that affords him moments in which he is not beholden to her - or anyone else, if possible. He needs to regain his sense of self and his purpose, without this foundation he will never find the pride or the spine to deal with what is likely coming his way. Exercise, diet, sleep, connect with male friends one-on-one, re-engage in hobbies and social situations that are of his liking, etc. 

Through these efforts, there is a small chance that he could reclaim his confidence and hand in the relationship and save it (if thats what he still wants) but it should not be the purpose of his self-improvement. Not because marriage is not worth "fighting for" but because she is 10 moves ahead in terms of scuttling the ship. Simply pumping ballast or putting more laundry to the wind will not save her. He needs to build strength in order to construct a lifeboat and row it into the sunset. Plus, he should do it because it feels great to be a healthy, strong man.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"He is that bad, eh? And he was the best you could do?"

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My ex used to humiliate and degrade me in front of others. It's not a kind of behavior I can even fathom. I honestly never reciprocated it, even when I wanted to. 

Eventually I just went numb from it. I never had a friend stick up for me, then learned to stick up for myself. Now if I sense it crossing the line ever, I call the person right out. Zero tolerance.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If those sorts of things were happening, I would not stay in the relationship.

I don't think "calling out" other people is a good idea. Addressing their conflict with empathy might be helpful, though.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jld said:


> If those sorts of things were happening, I would not stay in the relationship.
> 
> I don't think "calling out" other people is a good idea. Addressing their conflict with empathy might be helpful, though.


For me it really depends, jld. When someone is behaving rudely, and is an adult, I can be plenty empathetic about how I tell them that the behavior is unacceptable to me. If that person degrades me in public, I feel quite comfortable calling them on it in public. 

I have said things without due consideration at times (foot in mouth), and when I catch myself, I make it a point to apologize publicly when I've been insensitive. One thing I definitely don't do is purposely put someone down, so I really can't tolerate someone doing it to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Satya said:


> For me it really depends, jld. When someone is behaving rudely, and is an adult, I can be plenty empathetic about how I tell them that the behavior is unacceptable to me. If that person degrades me in public, I feel quite comfortable calling them on it in public.
> 
> I have said things without due consideration at times (foot in mouth), and when I catch myself, I make it a point to apologize publicly when I've been insensitive. One thing I definitely don't do is purposely put someone down, so I really can't tolerate someone doing it to me.


If it is done to you, maybe that is helpful. But "calling out" other couples seems out of place to me. I would just avoid going out with them.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Satya said:


> For me it really depends, jld. When someone is behaving rudely, and is an adult, I can be plenty empathetic about how I tell them that the behavior is unacceptable to me. If that person degrades me in public, I feel quite comfortable calling them on it in public.


I'm noticing how a friend is with her husband. I don't get it. She asked my husband to do something for her. Which he did. She then criticized the way he'd done it. He then called her out. She was momentarily taken aback. It wasn't a big deal for him. That moment doesn't define her. Although it may define how she interacts with my husband. We both know she has a big heart.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm noticing how a friend is with her husband. I don't get it. She asked my husband to do something for her. Which he did. She then criticized the way he'd done it. He then called her out. She was momentarily taken aback. It wasn't a big deal for him. That moment doesn't define her. Although it may define how she interacts with my husband. We both know she has a big heart.


Did she talk with you about it afterwards?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld said:


> Did she talk with you about it afterwards?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. What's to talk about?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> No. What's to talk about?


You said she was taken aback. I thought it might have been something she might have wanted to talk about. 

But you know her IRL. Maybe there was indeed nothing to be said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld said:


> You said she was taken aback. I thought it might have been something she might have wanted to talk about.
> 
> But you know her IRL. Maybe there was indeed nothing to be said.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's grown folk. She knew how she was being; just didn't anticipate him not accepting it. Then we moved on.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband's things were "jokes" at my expense, mentioning intensely personal things publicly in order to embarrass me, and apologizing for me to other people for things that didn't require apology. It was as if he felt a strong need to point out my flaws and take me down a notch, just in case anyone (mostly me, I think) had missed any of my perceived imperfections. That was particularly true if I started to be even the least bit proud of myself for anything - from the way I looked, to the house project I'd just finished, to the dinner party I was throwing for his corporate guests. 

Oh, not all the time, of course. But fairly often. I never had any idea when he might say something just nasty enough to hurt me, but not so bad as to appall the people around us. I just never knew when the next jab was coming, so I was always walking on eggshells. He could never understand why I tended to be mildly socially anxious and not particularly look forward to events.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> She's grown folk. She knew how she was being; just didn't anticipate him not accepting it. Then we moved on.


As long as you were all okay with it, good enough. Some people might have needed to talk about it, and some not. Different strokes for different folks and all that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

What disgusting behavior. Unless he appears to enjoy this punishment...maybe that's his thing? Seems like abuse, though. If the genders were reversed, I have to think EVERYONE would say how abusive and terrible this is. So maybe carve out some alone time with your buddy to talk when his wife isn't around.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rowan, he sounds insecure, like he was jealous of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld said:


> As long as you were all okay with it, good enough. *Some people might have needed to talk about it, and some not.* Different strokes for different folks and all that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In this instance, not. It was dealt with in the moment.

Have you experienced a similar scenario?

How she is with her husband, and him seemingly accepting it, may be another story.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> In this instance, not. It was dealt with in the moment.
> 
> Have you experienced a similar scenario?
> 
> How she is with her husband, and him seemingly accepting it, may be another story.


Not specifically, no. But a reaction like that may be something she might have wanted to process with you. What we don't talk out, we tend to act out.

But you know the situation best. If you are satisfied that nothing needed to be said, good enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

My wife used to do this. I told her that if the behavior was acceptable to her, then I would join her. I would start putting her down publicly as well. 

She stopped doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

My step mom did this. She would complain about my Dad when we would visit. He would try to change the subject. She would say things like all he did was watch TV and spend time on the computer, and how messy he is. We knew all that she didn't have to tell us.


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## creative (Apr 23, 2013)

I wouldn't accept that crap..what a hidious person to dragging her man down in front of everyone.

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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

This in unacceptable behavior. Tell your friend to discipline his wife. This is public humiliation. He should recognize that his wife is not socially acceptable. He needs to stop this behavior of his wife. If he cannot do it, perhaps those around her can give statements to counterbalance her insults, so that she can see what she is doing. She may be unaware that her behavior is not acceptable in "polite society". Ghetto women tend to behave in this manner and quite embarrassing in social circles.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

My wife and I respect each other and so no this would not happen. 


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Ugh, I hate it when married couples do this, it makes things so awkward.

Sometimes I think it's a passive aggressive way for a spouse to get back at another spouse. My FIL can really be an ******* to my MIL in private but never in front of other people. Once in a while she will get back at him by disrespecting him in front of other people because she knows he won't say anything.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

gene_vincent said:


> I had dinner with an old friend and his wife a few nights ago and it was cringe-inducing...
> 
> From blatant open unadulterated public shaming; like, _"omg you're from HIS hometown?? that place is such a ****hole, I would NEVER spend another minute there, what a dump, crappy place, I can't believe how bad it is"_. To public ribbing that hits a little too close to home, _"He just wont quit eating." "He cant even see his shoes"_. Even making a joke about his penis size. It was brutal. I had to pull him aside later on and ask _"are you two okay?"_ and he assured me it was fine and they were harmless jokes.
> 
> I don't know if I'd be able to put up with that, honestly. I'm still thinking about how disrespectful it all was.


Itis immaterial for me as my WW is now STBXWW, but no I would not let that happen. She would get my world famous, clear in any language and patented "Glare." (A super power I inherited from my father) At home we would have a serous Come to Jesus meeting. I would calmly and rationally explain that this conduct is disrespectful and humiliating and it really doesn't need to happen again. I would also listen to what she had to say, her "rationale" for this insanity and then I would explain that if it happened again I would leave. She could suffer the embarrassment and indignity of bumming a ride home.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> What disgusting behavior. Unless he appears to enjoy this punishment...maybe that's his thing? Seems like abuse, though. If the genders were reversed, I have to think EVERYONE would say how abusive and terrible this is. So maybe carve out some alone time with your buddy to talk when his wife isn't around.


You get used to it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mrs. Conan never disrespects me in front of anyone when I am not present.

We have had a couple episodes over the years where she did it in front of me with others.

A few spankings and heart to heart conversations ensued in private and she corrected her behavior.

I've needed correction a few times as well over different issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

My husband does this to me in front of his family. He's never done it with anyone else. He does have a very disrespectful tendency to roll his eyes when I am talking. I've spoken to him about it and he'll stop for a week or two but he always starts again. He doesn't do it very often though, mostly when we're talking things like politics which we tend to disagree on.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

My father has done this to my mother since as long as I can remember, anytime there are people around. I think it's an insecurity issue.

I had a partner who said something derogatory about me in front of friends, then out of the blue insulted me in front of my mechanic. I looked at him and thought, "that's probably where it starts". That was another nail in the coffin for any future thoughts of marriage. Didn't drop him on the spot, but it was one of those moments of perfect clarity where you know you will end it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My ExH was like that. Talk over me in a group conversation. Make a cutting remark. One of many reasons that we got divorced. I'm also convinced that that's the cue his friends took to justify their dismissive behavior of me.

I don't have this problem with my husband now.

My mother can also ply it fast and loose in public. I've learned to stand up to it. If she's not embarassed, then I am happy to go toe to toe with her. Fortunately, I have noticed that sometimes just raising my voice will make her backdown.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

snerg said:


> I gave a sigh and said "you know, you're sitting there making your nasty comments, trying to make me look stupid. The only issue is, you choose me. If I'm so stupid, what does that make you for choosing me"


Good for you! Nicely done.


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