# Frumpy Wife



## Chumpless

Curious as to why when at home she:

1) Where's baggy track pants and ugly tops often 2 days in a row
2) Often does not brush her hair
3) Never puts on makeup or perfume
4) Does not like to have sex after she's cleaned up

But of course, when she goes out to see her girlfriends she does herself up smoking hot.

Why would she not want to look good for "me". She knows I like it and respond to it.

Lately, I've been dressing well around the house for myself and in hopes she'll respond by doing the same.


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## Starstarfish

Need a lot more details to respond to this.

- Does she work? If so - how is she expected to/how does she dress for work?

- Do you have kids - how old?

- Does that mean she doesn't like to have sex, or - just doesn't take a shower first? Did she used to take showers before sex?


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## CandieGirl

Nevermind hoping she responds or follows your lead, why don't you try asking her? Talk to her! 

She dresses up when she goes out with her friends because a) she, like almost every other female on the planet, is in competition with every other female on the planet, and/or b) she likes the attention she gets from males.

JMO


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## Saki

Chumpless said:


> Lately, I've been dressing well around the house for myself and in hopes she'll respond by doing the same.


Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet????

Because what you have here is a covert contract. You decided you'd do something, hoping to change her. But you never told her about it. And you get mad when she dosen't do what you THINK IN YOUR HEAD she should do :scratchhead:

You continue to chase your tail.


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## Chumpless

Starstarfish said:


> Need a lot more details to respond to this.
> 
> - Does she work? If so - how is she expected to/how does she dress for work?
> 
> - Do you have kids - how old?
> 
> - Does that mean she doesn't like to have sex, or - just doesn't take a shower first? Did she used to take showers before sex?


She just started working (was SAHM)
Dresses well for work, she has to
Yes, kids are fairly young
Sex has become a morning thing only for us which I enjoy


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## Chumpless

Saki said:


> Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet????
> 
> Because what you have here is a covert contract. You decided you'd do something, hoping to change her. But you never told her about it. And you get mad when she dosen't do what you THINK IN YOUR HEAD she should do :scratchhead:
> 
> You continue to chase your tail.


Read both MMSL and NMMNG. It seems that the "covert contracts" contradict Athol Kay then.


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## Chumpless

CandieGirl said:


> She dresses up when she goes out with her friends because a) she, like almost every other female on the planet, is in competition with every other female on the planet...


Ha! Yes, I guess I had to be reminded of that.


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## Saki

Chumpless said:


> Read both MMSL and NMMNG. It seems that the "covert contracts" contradict Athol Kay then.


Did you do the breaking free exercises in NMMNG???

Before you can start using MMSL you need to be a strong man who is not dependant on his wife's approval.


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## Jellybeans

Chumpless said:


> Why would she not want to look good for "me". She knows I like it and respond to it.


Ask her and tell her that.


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## Starstarfish

Maybe she's stressed, and feels like at home she should get "down time." Your children are young, she's just come off from being a SAHM, and has to get dressed up at work. 

How dressed up at home are you expecting her to be? Full makeup and "good" clothes - was this something she did before?


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## that_girl

Maybe buy her some cute lounge stuff? I find that cute tanks and yoga pants are comfy but kinda sexy 

Do you take her out on the town? Just curious. Do you give her a chance to dress up with you? Sometimes it's hard to feel sexy when you're cleaning and taking care of kids all day. (Says the girl in a hoodie and owl jammie pants LOL but he's at work so whatever).


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## Chumpless

that_girl said:


> Maybe buy her some cute lounge stuff? I find that cute tanks and yoga pants are comfy but kinda sexy
> 
> Do you take her out on the town? Just curious. Do you give her a chance to dress up with you? Sometimes it's hard to feel sexy when you're cleaning and taking care of kids all day. (Says the girl in a hoodie and owl jammie pants LOL but he's at work so whatever).


No, don't take her "on the town much". We live in the styx an baby sitters are hard to come by.

I have bought her cute lounge outfits that she often wears at night. I like the idea of the yoga pants though. Thanks for that.


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## Chumpless

Starstarfish said:


> Maybe she's stressed, and feels like at home she should get "down time." Your children are young, she's just come off from being a SAHM, and has to get dressed up at work.
> 
> How dressed up at home are you expecting her to be? Full makeup and "good" clothes - was this something she did before?


I suspect this is just it. She really needs her "down time".
Not expecting her to dress up as if she were going out, just a little more care in how she looks for me from time to time would be cool. I'll talk to her some more about it.


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## Ten_year_hubby

Chumpless said:


> But of course, when she goes out to see her girlfriends she does herself up smoking hot.


Sometimes our actions send messages that we did not really intend to be sent. Sometimes we send messages that we honestly didn't know might not be received well by our spouse. Maybe some mates intuitively understand the benefit of making their spouses feel important and some don't. Maybe some partners were coached by their parents or friends and others weren't. A lot of different things could be in effect. In my case, my wife just doesn't respect men. Nothing personal, she just doesn't think she should have to bother to make herself look good for a man. Too bad for her because she really does look good and she could have a lot more going for her if she wanted.


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## that_girl

I suggest taking her out once in a while. I know it's rough, but...she gets dressed up when she "goes out". I like to dress up when I go out too  With or without my husband.


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## TrustInUs

Do you complement her when she looks nice at home? I know after working and kids it can be very easy to let go at home. And I think most women like to dress up when they go out.

At home I tend to wear spandex/yoga pants and a fitted tank top that shows more cleavage than I would in public, hair in a simple pony and _maybe_ some lipgloss. My husband told me he likes the look so I went for more of that in the evenings do I don't have feel like I'm dressed up and still comfortable. 

Next time she wears the cute lounge outfits you bought let her know how much you like them.


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## AFEH

Chumpless said:


> Curious as to why when at home she:
> 
> 1) Where's baggy track pants and ugly tops often 2 days in a row
> 2) Often does not brush her hair
> 3) Never puts on makeup or perfume
> 4) Does not like to have sex after she's cleaned up
> 
> But of course, when she goes out to see her girlfriends she does herself up smoking hot.
> 
> Why would she not want to look good for "me". She knows I like it and respond to it.
> 
> Lately, I've been dressing well around the house for myself and in hopes she'll respond by doing the same.


It's exceedingly obvious that the thought of you just doesn't get her excited. Maybe you even bore her and turn her off.


But you've read and kind of rubbished the two most highly recommended books here known to overcome your type of problems.


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## ScarletBegonias

yoga pants are awesomely comfy and sexy!! I can't be without my yoga pants and "wife beater"(sorry for un-pc term) tank tops from Old Navy.

get her some of that stuff and frumpgirl will be gone!


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## CharlieParker

A few weeks ago she put on a pair of yoga pants to make the tea rather than her usual oversized t-shirt/potato sack. When I took notice she said the pants were really old. I said get more and throw out the sacks. She did and we are both pleased.


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## that_girl

Yoga pants show off a woman's ass  It's perfect.


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## Jellybeans

Haha! Yoga pants rule!

I think a lot of men are big fans of them, too.

Lulu Lemon anyone?


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## ScarletBegonias

that_girl said:


> Yoga pants show off a woman's ass  It's perfect.


Yes! That little folded over waist thing is OMG for the bootie! 

I don't care what anyone says there is something completely sexy about a woman in yoga pants,tank top sans bra,bed head and bare feet


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## TrustInUs

that_girl said:


> Yoga pants show off a woman's ass  It's perfect.


I don't have much of one  but they are very comfortable!


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## CandieGirl

TrustInUs said:


> I don't have much of one  but they are very comfortable!


Trust me, it's better than too much of one  (signed, a fellow flat-ass)


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

How do you men like us wives to dress?


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## CandieGirl

No joke, I'd love to buy a few 50's dresses with the matching aprons and run around the house in those. With my hair all 'done' too...True story.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I wear jeans and t-shirts normally.


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## that_girl

CandieGirl said:


> No joke, I'd love to buy a few 50's dresses with the matching aprons and run around the house in those. With my hair all 'done' too...True story.




Me. Too.

But those dresses are expensive! So...I only have a couple for going out. Sometimes.

Unless you were being sarcastic, then I totally don't know what you're talking about.


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## Starstarfish

I'd like to call BS on the whole "obviously you don't turn her on" thing - they have sex, and the OP indicates it is frequent enough and apparently satisfactory. Some things are far more simple than "get Alpha" and "prove your sex role." 

It can be frustrating to need to "put on an act" at home especially when you are also a working mother/wife. So - newer or slightly more sexy loungewear is a good compromise - she won't feel like being at home is a second career where there's a dress code, and you'll feel like she's putting in more effort. 

Further, as to the combing her hair thing - she might not feel very sexy over all, because you don't romance her. You rarely go out as a couple, and thus, even as she hasn't said anything or might not even consciously recognize it, she might feel a lack of connection. Looking good around the house, just isn't the same as getting dressed up, looking good, and having your husband prove that he's proud and excited to be seen with you. 

If you wanted to take her out - you'd find a babysitter, you'd make it a priority. It might be complicated and expensive - but, you need to make your relationship a priority. 

Do you go out for your anniversary? When's the last time the two of you went out to do something besides household chores? When's the last time you went out "baby free?"


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## Saki

I'm sorry, I thought this was the men's clubhouse, not the hen's cluckhouse :smthumbup:


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## TrustInUs

^^ good one!


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## that_girl

How would another man know what a woman MIGHT be thinking  ?

I'm not a hen. Go talk about yourself.


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## CandieGirl

Nope, not being sarcastic at all, and the only reason I don't have any of those dresses is because they are expensive! 

I suppose on off days, I could get some old "Hilda Ogden" style dresses and put a kerchief on my head. (now I'm being a bit sarcastic...I'd probably still wear it).


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## Saki

that_girl said:


> How would another man know what a woman MIGHT be thinking  ?


Believe me, there is no one out there who knows what a woman is thinking.

Trying to interpret any meaning out of this, especially the 37 posts about yoga pants, is nonsense.

The OP needs to turn his focus on himself. Why is he afraid to ask his wife to dress nicely for him? Why is he dressing up himself? What are his needs in marriage? Why is he afraid to directly ask his wife to meet those needs?

All this energy expended trying to understand why his wife dresses nice when she goes out with her friends...when that has nothing to do with the core issues in their marriage...it makes me sad


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## AFEH

Saki said:


> I'm sorry, I thought this was the men's clubhouse, not the hen's cluckhouse :smthumbup:


It's to do with the current phase of the moon.


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## TrustInUs

^^Wow, saki I just thought you were being silly....


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## ScarletBegonias

Saki said:


> Believe me, there is no one out there who knows what a woman is thinking.
> 
> Trying to interpret any meaning out of this, especially the 37 posts about yoga pants, is nonsense.
> 
> The OP needs to turn his focus on himself. Why is he afraid to ask his wife to dress nicely for him? Why is he dressing up himself? What are his needs in marriage? Why is he afraid to directly ask his wife to meet those needs?
> 
> All this energy expended trying to understand why his wife dresses nice when she goes out with her friends...when that has nothing to do with the core issues in their marriage...it makes me sad


He says in a post he will talk to her about it. I didn't get the impression that he's scared to talk to her about his needs.It sounds more like he wanted some perspective before talking to her.


The energy expended on WHY his wife dresses nice when out with friends was done bc OP asked why she dresses nice for friends.What CORE marital issues are you thinking these people have? She just went back to work,they still have morning sex,which he enjoys and he's trying to understand her point of view while preparing to have a conversation with her about things. 
From my view he's doing pretty well so far and doesn't need anyone turning the issue into more than what he has shared with us.


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## Saki

I am being silly.

I'm also making a point. I am capable of both. Simultaneously even.

The inane chatter takes the focus off the real issues. 

The OP has a serious lack of trust and intimacy in his marriage. Buying yoga pants is a great way to deal with a symptom and a horribly misguided way to deal with a problem.

If chumpless wants to get a hardon when he looks at his wife, yoga pants it is. 

If he wants a satisfying marriage, he better start openly and directly communicating his needs to his wife.


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## Saki

ScarletBegonias said:


> I didn't get the impression that he's scared to talk to her about his needs.


I do....

He came her to ask the question before asking her. In fact, I don't think asking her even occured to him.

Dosen't that speak volumes?

EDIT, coming here was step 2 for him, step 1 was to try to change her behavior by dressing up himself hoping she'd notice and start dressing up without him discussing the issue with her...


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## ScarletBegonias

Saki said:


> I do....
> 
> He came her to ask the question before asking her. In fact, I don't think asking her even occured to him.
> 
> Dosen't that speak volumes?


I think it's smart to get some perspective on your thoughts if you're unsure of how to present them to your partner.He clearly states he's going to talk to her in a later post.


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## TrustInUs

Saki said:


> I am being silly.
> 
> I'm also making a point. I am capable of both. Simultaneously even.
> 
> The inane chatter takes the focus off the real issues.
> 
> *The OP has a serious lack of trust and intimacy in his marriage. Buying yoga pants is a great way to deal with a symptom and a horribly misguided way to deal with a problem.*
> 
> If chumpless wants to get a hardon when he looks at his wife, yoga pants it is.
> 
> If he wants a satisfying marriage, he better start openly and directly communicating his needs to his wife.


how did you get all that from his post? Many people come here for many reasons even one such as trying to get their spouse to care a little more about their appearance. Every thread doesn't have to have such serious undertones to it.

I'm sure you are capable of being silly and making a point. If trust me if I'd known your intent was to mock the OP I would have responded differently.


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## ScarletBegonias

Saki said:


> EDIT, coming here was step 2 for him, step 1 was to try to change her behavior by dressing up himself hoping she'd notice and start dressing up without him discussing the issue with her...


every one knows women are horribly sensitive about their appearance.It seems he's trying to do this gently and I think that's great but it's clearly not working with her.she isn't taking subtle hints so now he sees he must address it with her directly.

If he doesn't address it head on after this,then I'll say he's afraid of communicating with her and has deeper marital issues.


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## Saki

Here's some perspective:


Chumpless said:


> Been working on myself trying to gain the affection and desire from my wife. Last month I told her I needed to make love with her at least 3 times a week. Things were great the following week, best ever, or so I thought.
> 
> The following week? PMS, then she gets a cold half way into her period. So, we've gone from one amazing week to twice in the past 3 weeks or so. Understandable right?
> 
> Then I find out she's been sharing with her friends how much she hates me always wanting sex and how much she needs to get out of the house and away from me to avoid it. Weird eh? I thought she was enjoying our new found love for each other. Turns out she hated me pursuing her every day that one amazing week.
> 
> We got into a nasty argument when I found this out and of course she initially tried to deny reality. Once she calmed down, she told me of the times back in the day when she really enjoyed being with me...those nights when she'd come home from being out with her friends and crawling into bed with me. Problem is, those nights were pretty rare.
> 
> So now it seems, she's trying to compromise while revealing that she only enjoys having sex with me a few times a year? When on her terms? WTF?
> 
> I guess I'll have to keep working on myself and if she doesn't respond, what else can I do? She knows very well I will not tolerate this.


EDIT this dude is scared to death his wife isn't attracted to him any more. The fear and neediness permiate everything he writes.


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## ScarletBegonias

Saki said:


> Here's some perspective:


Fair enough. I stand corrected.


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## that_girl

Well, sometimes there is no bigger issue than just not communicating.

Maybe she doesn't know what to wear when at home. Maybe she thinks it doesn't matter. 

I don't see you helping. I just see you telling the OP that he has big issues. Maybe he doesn't. 

And women can more likely say what another woman MIGHT be thinking more than a man can.


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## Saki

TrustInUs said:


> I'm sure you are capable of being silly and making a point. If trust me if I'd known your intent was to mock the OP I would have responded differently.


I don't believe I was mocking the OP. If it comes across that way, my apologies to chumpless.


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## that_girl

Well, dang. THIS IS WHY people need to keep their stuff all in one post. I just go by the OP. I don't keep a file on everyone's issues.


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## that_girl

So basically, his wife stays frumpy because she doesn't want him to be attracted.

Yea. I got nothing for that.


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## ScarletBegonias

that_girl said:


> Well, dang. THIS IS WHY people need to keep their stuff all in one post.  I just go by the OP. I don't keep a file on everyone's issues.


yup. agreed.


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## TrustInUs

I don't remember names or stories much so I had no idea of the back story... I tend to read what's written in the thread


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## Saki

that_girl said:


> I don't see you helping. I just see you telling the OP that he has big issues. Maybe he doesn't.
> 
> And women can more likely say what another woman MIGHT be thinking more than a man can.


My point, very clearly stated, is this:

It does not matter what his wife is thinking.

Maybe that notion makes you very uncomfortable as a woman, and presumably a wife. In fact, frankly I hope it does make you uncomfortable. 

I am helping my challenging chumpless to face the core issue, which seems to be a lack of intimacy. Not only with his wife but with himself.


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## ScarletBegonias

that_girl said:


> So basically, his wife stays frumpy because she doesn't want him to be attracted.
> 
> Yea. I got nothing for that.


agreed again.I don't understand that sort mentality and am seriously happy I don't get that way of thinking.


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## that_girl

Saki said:


> My point, very clearly stated, is this:
> 
> It does not matter what his wife is thinking.
> 
> Maybe that notion makes you very uncomfortable as a woman, and presumably a wife. In fact, frankly I hope it does make you uncomfortable.
> 
> I am helping my challenging chumpless to face the core issue, which seems to be a lack of intimacy. Not only with his wife but with himself.


It doesn't make me uncomfortable as a woman. Or a wife. Why would it? :scratchhead: What a condescending thing to say :rofl:
.
I do wonder what my husband is thinking sometimes. Then I talk to him about what I'm wondering (about the house, an issue, the kids, whatever)

I know he cares what I'm thinking because he asks my opinion of things 

The OP clearly asked for some insight of why something may be happening. He didn't include his whole situation.

We were giving some insight based on our own experiences. It's what people do.

But clearly you are much more equipped to discuss the matter to help him get to the root of the issue. So have fun


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## oldgeezer

Saki said:


> Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet????
> 
> Because what you have here is a covert contract. You decided you'd do something, hoping to change her. But you never told her about it. And you get mad when she dosen't do what you THINK IN YOUR HEAD she should do :scratchhead:
> 
> You continue to chase your tail.


This is very important to recognize. I've come to realize that both me and my wife have done this. It leads to the partner being terribly confused, because they do not read the implicit contract you have in your mind.


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## Saki

ScarletBegonias said:


> agreed again.I don't understand that sort mentality and am seriously happy I don't get that way of thinking.


I think the moral of the story, something that both hen and c0ck can agree on,

is "less cluckin, more ***in"


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## oldgeezer

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> How do you men like us wives to dress?


Depends. If you're in a good mood, revealing, easy to remove things  HAHAHAHAHA! You asked for that one. Ok, no more jokes. 

Honestly, I have rarely wished my wife to "dress up" for me. However, for a number of years, my wife had a figure that just busted my balls and she did her utmost to hide it most of the time, or so it seemed. Really, she was just trying to be comfortable. 

For the most part, it's just "dress to the occasion" and don't spend all day being a mess. And don't care about what other people think you look like and not at all what I think. 

This brings up body issues... Ever since my wife had to have a hysterectomy, the hormonal issues have been hell for her to go through, including eventually ,weight gain that all but defies losing it. 

While not a physical specimen to post on a catalog, her getting naked and snuggling up is still one hell of a turn-on. Ladies, if you'd stop worrying about whether you're perfect and instead, show him you're still accepting of his attention, it goes a long ways. 

Guys measure your acceptance of him a lot by what you let him see of your body. Covering up and deliberately hiding / depriving IS rejection.


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## TCSRedhead

If you have smaller kids at home, it's also tough to have your nicer clothes abused by babies and toddlers. I dress up nicely for work (skirt/blouse/heels) but change into yoga pants and a tank top when I get home. Who wants spit up stains on everything?

Give her some money and have her go shopping for some cute stuff she can wear around the house and some lingerie for 'you' time. 

Then take her out and give her a reason to dress up for you. Make sure you compliment her so she knows what you do/don't like.


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## Ten_year_hubby

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> How do you men like us wives to dress?


At the very least, like you care (at least to some minor extent) about how you look. Add to that maybe something that might be at least slightly attractive to a man. Next, maybe even something at least sllightly attractive to your man. Btw, I don't know what my problem is but yoga pants make me barf. I'm good with faded jeans though


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## EnjoliWoman

You need to get to the root of why she wants to be off-putting.

And offer to take her shopping. Even the mother of small children can wear cute leggings w/ long peasant tops and ballet flats and lack of personal hygiene is inexcusable. How long does it take to brush hair? 

Both issues could be the result of depression.


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## AFEH

TrustInUs said:


> I don't remember names or stories much so I had no idea of the back story... I tend to read what's written in the thread


Isn't it strange that as a man I picked up from his initial post here that his wife is trying to turn him off, yet you as a woman didn't see it?


I'd also say that she is well motivated to turn him off and I'd guess that it's because (a) she has her sights on another man or is involved with another man or (b) she is involved with a group of toxic friends. And that he should spy on his wife to check her out because if either (a) or (b) exist he hasn't a hope in hell with his wife.


And at the same time to start upping his sex rank, making himself more attractive to women in general and feeling better within himself.


But for some crazy reason the OP has passed over NMMNG and MMSL. His objection seemed exceedingly pedantic, obscure, dull, and hair-splitting which are massively unattractive features in a man.


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## AFEH

EnjoliWoman said:


> *You need to get to the root of why she wants to be off-putting.*
> 
> And offer to take her shopping. Even the mother of small children can wear cute leggings w/ long peasant tops and ballet flats and lack of personal hygiene is inexcusable. How long does it take to brush hair?
> 
> Both issues could be the result of depression.


This is much better, getting a lot closer than what clothes to wear. I'm truly surprised by the extreme lack of insight by some of the other women who've posted.


But guess what. The very worse thing the guy can do is to ask her what's up because there's no way on this planet she's going to be honest with him and that's more than likely because she's betraying him in one form or another.


The only chance he has of discovering the truth of what's going on in her mind and her life is to spy on her.


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## TrustInUs

AFEH said:


> Isn't it strange that as a man I picked up from his initial post here that his wife is trying to turn him off, yet you as a woman didn't see it?





AFEH said:


> This is much better, getting a lot closer than what clothes to wear. *I'm truly surprised by the extreme lack of insight by some of the other women who've posted*.


No it's not strange, both men and women think differently. But disregarding others opinions with "their lack of insight" is off putting and offensive.

Just an FYI some women who work and have kids find it very easy to hang out in sweats at home and has nothing to do with other men or whatever else. He also clearly said they have sex, so for me I did need a back story to go with this post to give me some "insight"


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## Dubya

So, what you are sayings that even a broken watch is right twice a day...


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## greenpearl

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> How do you men like us wives to dress?


I think men like to see women's curvy bodies, so whatever shows our curvy bodies are great. 


Tight jeans and shirts work great on my husband. I get spanked and groped a lot when I wear jeans which flatter my butt.


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## AFEH

TrustInUs said:


> No it's not strange, both men and women think differently. But disregarding others opinions with "their lack of insight" is off putting and offensive.
> 
> Just an FYI some women who work and have kids find it very easy to hang out in sweats at home and has nothing to do with other men or whatever else. He also clearly said they have sex, so for me I did need a back story to go with this post to give me some "insight"


I know. And that's what continuously surprises me. A lot of the women here talk as though they are the OP's wife. Seemingly incapable of putting themselves in another's shoes and instead of listening to what the poster is actually saying.

It's projection and it carries on running throughout the thread such that it puts the original post into the fog.


You actually believed a guy would post just because of the clothes his wife wears! It generally takes a lot more than that to stir a man into such action.



They don't come here for the idle chit chat about clothing. They come here because they have deep and painful problems in their marriage!


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## greenpearl

Chumpless said:


> Curious as to why when at home she:
> 
> 1) Where's baggy track pants and ugly tops often 2 days in a row
> 2) Often does not brush her hair
> 3) Never puts on makeup or perfume
> 4) Does not like to have sex after she's cleaned up
> 
> But of course, when she goes out to see her girlfriends she does herself up smoking hot.
> 
> Why would she not want to look good for "me". She knows I like it and respond to it.
> 
> Lately, I've been dressing well around the house for myself and in hopes she'll respond by doing the same.


One time I posted a question on a different forum asking women if their husbands give them advice about what they wear. 

This is a group of Chinese women who live in Taiwan, so their husbands are Taiwanese. Our culture is different. But I will still tell you one answer which caught my attention. 

One woman said that her husband doesn't want her to wear nice clothes to go out, but wanted her to dress up at home. She was surprised. She thought that she doesn't have to dress up for her husband anymore because they are already married. He is hers now, so she doesn't need to put much effort into seducing him. 

I think a lot of people make this mistake. After they get married, they get too comfortable with each other, and they stop the pursuing attitude. 

I think marriages now are so difficult to sustain, so it is even more important for us to keep the pursuing attitude. I mean before people get married, they try very hard and do all kinds of nice things to pursue each other. It is important for us to keep on doing those things after we get married.

Will you have a serious discussion with your wife about what's in your mind? I think it's important for you to tell your wife what's in your mind. Sometimes people just don't know. 

My husband always dresses up nicely. I don't mean formal clothes, I mean he keeps his goatee neat, his hair neat, and his clothes neat. He has never been sloppy. It gives me incentive to keep up with him. He also tells me what he thinks which is good for me to wear. Ok, I love my husband a lot so I am always happy to get advice from my husband. Some women might not like that. They might think you are controlling. Not in my case.


----------



## SunnyT

Sometimes, a man asking about why his wife dresses like she does... is simply wanting her to dress differently for him. 

SOMETIMES, a woman's choice of clothing is not about betrayal. 

Sometimes spouses don't want to hurt the other spouses feelings by saying they are frumpy, or overweight, and seek opinions about what to do. 

Sometimes, it really is simple.


----------



## Jane_Doe

My husband quite likes it when I wear baggy sweatpants, he gave me a pair of his own even. They have room inside for wandering hands when we're lounging around


----------



## Starstarfish

I'm just going to cluck away some more. I just can't help myself. 

While yes, "Even the mother of small children can wear cute leggings w/ long peasant tops and ballet flats." That look isn't universally flattering to everyone.  It might be easy, but trading frumpy for ill-suited for body type or age might or might not help. 

There is no universal answer for the OP or his wife about what look will look good that we can provide - without seeing her or knowing his tastes. Obviously - him taking her shopping, and then having a serious heart to heart about it, is the only solution, anything else is us making our best attempt to be helpful provided the information we have at hand. 

As for the reference to the other post, when was the time when she went out with her friends and came home to have hot sex? Was it before you lived in the sticks? Before she went back to work? Before the kids? Did she get dressed up more at home then? Did you take her out more?

I don't disagree that all this might be on purpose to be less attractive to the OP. But - I think I disagree on making a beeline to "install a keylogger!!!" and "there's OM!!!" - I think those are the easier answer. It has an undertone of placing blame on whichever partner isn't on TAM to defend themselves.


----------



## that_girl

Word.


----------



## TrustInUs

AFEH said:


> I know. And that's what continuously surprises me. A lot of the women here talk as though they are the OP's wife. Seemingly incapable of putting themselves in another's shoes and instead of listening to what the poster is actually saying.
> 
> It's projection and it carries on running throughout the thread such that it puts the original post into the fog.
> 
> 
> You actually believed a guy would post just because of the clothes his wife wears! It generally takes a lot more than that to stir a man into such action.
> 
> 
> 
> They don't come here for the idle chit chat about clothing. They come here because they have deep and painful problems in their marriage!


Listen, I give my opinon based on what is written in the thread. Most people give advice based on their experiences or what they've seen others encounter. As a woman, I answered the OP based on what his wife could have thinking and or going through. I don't automatically assume that the wife is about to run off with another man and that she must be spied on because she wears baggy clothes and he prefers her not too.

You had insight from man to man, point taken, but to be condescending because others advice wasn't "up to par" with your thinking is just down right ridiculous.


----------



## justbidingtime

Chumpless..... You really do complain non-stop.... I've seen a few of your threads and all they are are complaints about your very attractive wife, with whom you have a great deal of sex with.....

I can't believe people put up with you (not withstanding your wife) and answer the drivel you post....


----------



## that_girl

TrustInUs said:


> Listen, I give my opinon based on what is written in the thread. Most people give advice based on their experiences or what they've seen others encounter. As a woman, I answered the OP based on what his wife could have thinking and or going through. I don't automatically assume that the wife is about to run off with another man and that she must be spied on because she wears baggy clothes and he prefers her not too.
> 
> You had insight from man to man, point taken, but to be condescending because others advice wasn't "up to par" with your thinking is just down right ridiculous.


Maybe I should be like many of the posters here who just shout DIVORCE! and SPY! and KEYLOGGER!

the eff?

I reply to the OP. I don't research their story and try to see what's going on in other threads, etc. Holy crap. Not everything has to be so godam deep.


----------



## ChknNoodleSoup

Maybe she doesn't think she looks bad. Maybe she feels you should love her even if she does. If it's bothering you so much, buy her stuff you'd like to see her in, or tell her upfront.


----------



## Chumpless

Starstarfish said:


> When's the last time the two of you went out to do something besides household chores? When's the last time you went out "baby free?"


About 3 weeks ago.


----------



## Chumpless

AFEH said:


> But for some crazy reason the OP has passed over NMMNG and MMSL. His objection seemed exceedingly pedantic, obscure, dull, and hair-splitting which are massively unattractive features in a man.


What are you talking about? I said Athol's approach (i.e. upping sex rank) contradicts the notion of "covert contracts" as discussed in NMMNG. No? Of course it does. The whole point of Athol's book is how to get your wife attracted to you again by changing yourself...guess what...for the BOTH of you!

Both books are invaluable for my situation, but neither are the fricken Bible!


----------



## Chumpless

Starstarfish said:


> As for the reference to the other post, when was the time when she went out with her friends and came home to have hot sex? Was it before you lived in the sticks? Before she went back to work? Before the kids? Did she get dressed up more at home then? Did you take her out more?


Yes, and yes, and yes.
Also, there is no OM. This I know.


----------



## Chumpless

justbidingtime said:


> ...with whom you have a great deal of sex with.....
> 
> I can't believe people put up with you (not withstanding your wife) and answer the drivel you post....


:scratchhead:


----------



## EleGirl

Chumpless said:


> No, don't take her "on the town much". We live in the styx an baby sitters are hard to come by.
> 
> I have bought her cute lounge outfits that she often wears at night. I like the idea of the yoga pants though. Thanks for that.


If you don't think it's important to keep pursuing your wife and 'dating' her after marriage, I can see why she thinks there is no reason to look good for a guy who does not even want to date her.

She has girl friends to do out with. Surely she has freinds with kids who can swap child care so that the two of you can go out.

Or maybe you have guy friends who are married who can watch your kids. You can watch theirs? That way all you guys can take yoru wives out once in a while.


----------



## Chumpless

EleGirl said:


> If you don't think it's important to keep pursuing your wife and 'dating' her after marriage, I can see why she thinks there is no reason to look good for a guy who does not even want to date her.
> 
> She has girl friends to do out with. Surely she has freinds with kids who can swap child care so that the two of you can go out.


Sorry, but you don't understand. This has nothing to do with not enough date nights. My situation is beyond a Dr. Phil remedy.


----------



## EleGirl

CandieGirl said:


> No joke, I'd love to buy a few 50's dresses with the matching aprons and run around the house in those. With my hair all 'done' too...True story.


Just wear the aprons... that saves the expense of the dresses.

And I'm sure your husband will love it!


----------



## EleGirl

Chumpless said:


> Sorry, but you don't understand. This has nothing to do with not enough date nights. My situation is beyond a Dr. Phil remedy.


If you think that meeting your wife's needs is a "Dr. Phil remedy" than you do have a problem.

So what exactly is the problem that cannot be addressed the two of you meeting each other's needs?


----------



## In Absentia

his latest problem is here... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/60587-ld-wife-hd-husband-how-make-work.html


----------



## In Absentia

LearningLifeQDay said:


> Have you tried to brush her hair? Put her lip stick on...Help her look sexy and all. There are a lot of things you can do together to 'push' her along gently that she may really enjoy.


what, like, sit down dear, I'm going to brush your hair now?


----------



## EleGirl

In Absentia said:


> his latest problem is here...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/60587-ld-wife-hd-husband-how-make-work.html


I went back and read his threads. All of this is a symptom of the real problem. 

There a post the OP made that is very telling......

“We live in the middle of nowhere. Having fun has taken a backburner to providing. I am working on this though. Although I don't feel it's fair. Spontaneity, lunches, walks together. Just started refreshing those recently. " 

What? It does not seem fair that he needs to do things like spend time with her?

If I heard my husband say that he does not think it's fair that he should work on things like spontaneity, lunches and walks together that would be the end for me right there.

There is a reason why she does not want intimacy with her husband. Either her hormones are off and she needs medical help with that or her emotional needs have not been met for so long that she's turned off. This can be fixed but it will take both of them working hard on this to fix things.

The books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" would be a very good place for them to start.


----------



## In Absentia

I think the reason is simple: the OP said that his wife told her friend that she hated him for wanting sex so often. It's a turn off. So, she is trying her best to avoid him... they should talk and find a compromise.


----------



## EleGirl

In Absentia said:


> I think the reason is simple: the OP said that his wife told her friend that she hated him for wanting sex so often. It's a turn off. So, she is trying her best to avoid him... they should talk and find a compromise.


A compromise will not make her want to have sex with him. 

Finding and fixing the problems in their marriage is the only way that her desire for him will return.


----------



## Amyd

In Absentia said:


> what, like, sit down dear, I'm going to brush your hair now?


Strange images of mannequins and lonely men popping in my head.


----------



## In Absentia

EleGirl said:


> A compromise will not make her want to have sex with him.
> 
> Finding and fixing the problems in their marriage is the only way that her desire for him will return.


Absolutely! But it might make her feel less haunted and more inclined to talk...


----------



## EleGirl

In Absentia said:


> Absolutely! But it might make her feel less haunted and more inclined to talk...


I agree with that. Right now, as long as she has the pressure of more sex than she feels comfortable with on her, she is going to run away. 

He might need to pull back for a short while to get her to feel safe enough.

I understand it's frustrating for him. He should not hang on forever. She needs to show willingness to work on things from her end just as he has to.


----------



## justbidingtime

In Absentia said:


> his latest problem is here...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/60587-ld-wife-hd-husband-how-make-work.html


Thankfully someone dug a little.

Simply we have a BIG BABY who only gets sex 3X's/wk and pesters his wife non-stop about it.....

No wonder the OP didn't get my other post......

I'm out of here......


----------



## CandieGirl

elegirl said:


> just wear the aprons... That saves the expense of the dresses.
> 
> And i'm sure your husband will love it! :d











From my Apron Modeling Days.


----------



## In Absentia

nice... but be careful with the chillies!


----------



## EleGirl

CandieGirl said:


> View attachment 1866
> 
> 
> From my Apron Modeling Days.


Um.. i meant without all those other useless clothes as well...


----------



## CandieGirl

EleGirl said:


> Um.. i meant without all those other useless clothes as well...


Well, I can't put THOSE pics up! 

My favorite apron is an old chef's white, from about 20 years ago...stained / bleached beyond belief. My husband loves when I wear that, because he knows he'll soon be enjoying an outstanding meal or baked dish of some sort. 

I'm grateful that he doesn't see to mind whenever I feel like kicking back in my yogas/jammies/sweats.


----------



## Omgitsjoe

Jellybeans said:


> Haha! Yoga pants rule!
> 
> I think a lot of men are big fans of them, too.
> 
> Lulu Lemon anyone?


Lululemon is the best ........... my wife gets most of her workout or yoga outfits from their store in Manhattan and OMG she looks sooo sooo good in these especially the yoga pants !!!


----------



## Saki

AFEH said:


> They don't come here for the idle chit chat about clothing. They come here because they have deep and painful problems in their marriage!


Do you women have any idea how insulting it is, for a man to bare your soul and reveal the incredible amount of pain lurking beneath the surface, to make yourself vulnerable for perhaps the first time ever, and get the endless off topic chatter that you post?

Seriously, a picture of you in your apron modeling days??? Do you know what that says to the original poster??????

*This is the message you ALL are sending, to a man who's idea of validation is the approval of women, with this nonstop yoga pants talk:

"Your pain does not matter to women. What you want is not important. Your needs are especially meaningless to women. The only thing that we care about is ourselves"*


that_girl said:


> Holy crap. Not everything has to be so godam deep.


And not everything has to be so godam shallow either. 

It might be projection, because I've been there and still am to some degree, but the amount of pain that hides in between the lines of chumpless's posts is staggering. Again, it is painful and insulting to him to be so distractedly brushed aside....


----------



## In Absentia

Saki said:


> Do you women have any idea how insulting it is, for a man to bare your soul and reveal the incredible amount of pain lurking beneath the surface, to make yourself vulnerable for perhaps the first time ever, and get the endless off topic chatter that you post?



Not if you are beta...


----------



## Saki

EleGirl said:


> I went back and read his threads. All of this is a symptom of the real problem.


YAY someone else gets it!!!! :smthumbup:



EleGirl said:


> Finding and fixing the problems in their marriage is the only way that her desire for him will return.


:smthumbup:


----------



## CandieGirl

Saki said:


> Do you women have any idea how insulting it is, for a man to bare your soul and reveal the incredible amount of pain lurking beneath the surface, to make yourself vulnerable for perhaps the first time ever, and get the endless off topic chatter that you post?
> 
> Seriously, a picture of you in your apron modeling days??? Do you know what that says to the original poster??????
> 
> *This is the message you ALL are sending, to a man who's idea of validation is the approval of women, with this nonstop yoga pants talk:
> 
> "Your pain does not matter to women. What you want is not important. Your needs are especially meaningless to women. The only thing that we care about is ourselves"*
> 
> 
> And not everything has to be so godam shallow either.
> 
> It might be projection, because I've been there and still am to some degree, but the amount of pain that hides in between the lines of chumpless's posts is staggering. Again, it is painful and insulting to him to be so distractedly brushed aside....


Just....stop it.

And if you believe that I once modeled aprons, then you've got issues  It was a bit of light hearted fun. That's all. :rofl:


----------



## Saki

Chumpless said:


> What are you talking about? I said Athol's approach (i.e. upping sex rank) contradicts the notion of "covert contracts" as discussed in NMMNG. No? Of course it does. The whole point of Athol's book is how to get your wife attracted to you again by changing yourself...guess what...for the BOTH of you!


Athol's book is a manual for making yourself an attractive man. It's NOT for BOTH of you. 

Again, what your wife thinks does not matter.



EleGirl said:


> I agree with that. Right now, as long as she has the pressure of more sex than she feels comfortable with on her, she is going to run away.
> 
> He might need to pull back for a short while to get her to feel safe enough.
> 
> I understand it's frustrating for him. He should not hang on forever. She needs to show willingness to work on things from her end just as he has to.


This is discussed ad naseum in NMMNG. 

The OP claims to have read and digested all the material in the book, yet continuously displays through his posts that he has not....

Another unfortunate pattern that is clear from the collection of all the OP's posts is that he is incapable of receiving feedback. He's looking for a quick and easy fix.

He will filter what is said, and only those things that reinforce his current point of view will be received.

In other words, he only hears the answers he wants to hear


----------



## Saki

CandieGirl said:


> And if you believe that I once modeled aprons, then you've got issues  It was a bit of light hearted fun. That's all. :rofl:


Thank you for completely discounting what I had to say.


----------



## that_girl

:rofl:

IF the OP has some deep issue and pain then he should talk about it. We are not psychologists, nor do we read between the lines.

Take things for face value. That's what I learned in life. I read this OP saying he wondered why his wife was dressing frumpy. We tried to help him.

GET OFF OUR BACKS! FFS.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

What if he can't change? Why should he have to change who he is just because she's acting like a child who can't communicate openly about what she needs in order to be turned on by him??

Is it so hard for a woman,or even a man,to say "honey it turns me off when you behave this way or that way" ?

If she doesn't know how to just face her husband and say to him "i dress unsexy bc I don't want to get your revved up and these are my reasons..." Then nothing he does on his end will change the situation because he DOES NOT KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS OR NEEDS.She must grow up,stop behaving like a passive aggressive child and face him with her reasons and feelings.


----------



## justbidingtime

Saki said:


> Do you women have any idea how insulting it is, for a man to bare your soul and reveal the incredible amount of pain lurking beneath the surface, to make yourself vulnerable for perhaps the first time ever, and get the endless off topic chatter that you post?
> 
> Seriously, a picture of you in your apron modeling days??? Do you know what that says to the original poster??????
> 
> *This is the message you ALL are sending, to a man who's idea of validation is the approval of women, with this nonstop yoga pants talk:
> 
> "Your pain does not matter to women. What you want is not important. Your needs are especially meaningless to women. The only thing that we care about is ourselves"*
> 
> 
> And not everything has to be so godam shallow either.
> 
> It might be projection, because I've been there and still am to some degree, but the amount of pain that hides in between the lines of chumpless's posts is staggering. Again, it is painful and insulting to him to be so distractedly brushed aside....


I said I was not going to respond further to chumpless and his threads...... But you Saki are missing the point. The OP complains incessantly about basically about only getting sex 3X's/wk and that his spouse doesn't spend every second doting on him and feeding his ego. Yes I am exaggerating to make the point that he is whining over what 90% consider absolutely nothing but that of a spoiled husband....


----------



## justbidingtime

ScarletBegonias said:


> What if he can't change? Why should he have to change who he is just because she's acting like a child who can't communicate openly about what she needs in order to be turned on by him??
> 
> Is it so hard for a woman,or even a man,to say "honey it turns me off when you behave this way or that way" ?
> 
> If she doesn't know how to just face her husband and say to him "i dress unsexy bc I don't want to get your revved up and these are my reasons..." Then nothing he does on his end will change the situation because he DOES NOT KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS OR NEEDS.She must grow up,stop behaving like a passive aggressive child and face him with her reasons and feelings.


And I expect he is hounding her non-stop. Read his posts and how he goes on while having sex 3X/wk (yes I think that is plenty).


----------



## ScarletBegonias

justbidingtime said:


> And I expect he is hounding her non-stop. Read his posts and how he goes on while having sex 3X/wk (yes I think that is plenty).


I understand he is probably doing that which means it's on HER to tell him to knock it off,give real and concrete reasons as to why he isn't doing it for her these days,and what she'd like to have happen in order to fix the issue.

He can hound her non stop and she'll begrudgingly give it up 3x a week or whatever. He can "man up" and do the 180 thing at which time 1 of several things will happen.

She will either be ecstatic to not be hassled anymore and he'll be left with sex 0 times a week
she'll think he's having an affair since he's no longer chasing her for sex
she'll start her own affair and blame it on her husband no longer being interested in her
Or she'll realize how sexually attracted she is to him now that he's "a man" and she'll be on his d**k like kids on lollipops.

OR she can grow up and communicate openly,honestly,and directly at which time he'll know what she needs and can decide whether or not he is capable of meeting those needs.


----------



## EleGirl

ScarletBegonias said:


> What if he can't change? Why should he have to change who he is just because she's acting like a child who can't communicate openly about what she needs in order to be turned on by him??
> 
> Is it so hard for a woman,or even a man,to say "honey it turns me off when you behave this way or that way" ?
> 
> If she doesn't know how to just face her husband and say to him "i dress unsexy bc I don't want to get your revved up and these are my reasons..." Then nothing he does on his end will change the situation because he DOES NOT KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS OR NEEDS.She must grow up,stop behaving like a passive aggressive child and face him with her reasons and feelings.


From what he has said on other threads she has told him that she does not like the constant hassling for sex. 

Why does he need to change? Well he's the one here asking so I suppose he's the only one we can give advice to.

Actually they both need to change. He's the one here asking so we will tell him what we think the can do to change himself and influence changes in her. 

We don't know how she is acting and what is going on in her head, her motivations are, etc. We are not there. IMO it's best to make suggestions that include both of them having actions to take with the hope that it will inspire both to do what it takes to fix the marriage. 

For example that's why I often suggest "His Need, Her Needs" an "Love Busters". They both would have to read the books, opend up and discuss their needs and lovebusters and then make the changes needed... get's them both involved and moving in the right direction


----------



## trey69

I haven't read all the replies, nor will I, but practicing acceptance is sometimes a good thing too. If you can't do that, then moving on is an option too, Life is to short.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

EleGirl said:


> From what he has said on other threads she has told him that she does not like the constant hassling for sex. But has she said WHY she doesn't want to do it more often? Hassling is a HUGE turn off but why does she feel hassled instead of desired?
> 
> Why does he need to change? Well he's the one here asking so I suppose he's the only one we can give advice to.I'm not saying he doesn't need to change,I'm only saying he shouldn't have to turn into some hyped up alpha version of a man just to get physical affection from his wife.
> 
> Actually they both need to change. He's the one here asking so we will tell him what we think the can do to change himself and influence changes in her. I agree
> 
> IMO it's best to make suggestions that include both of them having actions to take with the hope that it will inspire both to do what it takes to fix the marriage. I'll make suggestions I feel are helpful,you make suggestions you feel are helpful and hopefully he'll get something useful from all the points of view.
> 
> For example that's why I often suggest "His Need, Her Needs" an "Love Busters". They both would have to read the books, opend up and discuss their needs and lovebusters and then make the changes needed... get's them both involved and moving in the right directionI agree with this 100%.


----------



## Saki

ScarletBegonias said:


> Why should he have to change who he is just because she's acting like a child who can't communicate openly about what she needs in order to be turned on by him??


Simply put, to get what he wants.

The ends justify the means.

He can't change her. He can only change himself.

What he's doing now, it dosen't work. It doesn't get him what he wants.

He can either continue doing what he's doing, except that he can try harder. Which will continue to bring the same results.

Or he can try something new. 

You reference that she hasn't said WHY she feels hassled. 

Well for starters, I'd propose that she HAS said it, it's just that he's failed to interpret her words and actions in a way that has allowed him to hear what she said.

Secondly, he can wait around for her to suddenly decide to spill her guts about why she feels that way. He'll enjoy watching his life slip away and his resentment build while he waits for her to change.

Lastly, he could take action himself. He could educate himself about what might make a woman feel hassled. Sounds like he's working on that. 

He can ask her directly why she feels that way, however it appears perhaps she won't respond to the question with a clear and valuable answer. Perhaps she'll suggest he buys her yoga pants?? I kid, I kid....

He can work on determining this through indirect methods. This would be a long term process that would involve a fair amount of trail and error, and I emphasize error...there would be a lot of patience and frustration, yet he might find himself considerably happier if he figures out her magic potion.

Another approach would be to practice acceptance. This is what it is. He can then decide if he wants to stay with this, or try a different woman. As Trey69 says. 

Frankly moving on is the onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy approach that can guarentee his situation improves.

Hrrrrrmmmmmmm kind of a bleak outlook, right?


----------



## Chumpless

justbidingtime said:


> The OP complains incessantly about basically about only getting sex 3X's/wk and that his spouse doesn't spend every second doting on him and feeding his ego. Yes I am exaggerating to make the point that he is whining over what 90% consider absolutely nothing but that of a spoiled husband....


Not even 5 months ago I thought my marriage was doomed. My wife would not have sex with me when I asked nor would ever initiate. 

Approx 3 times a week is where we're at today (+/- a day), but it doesn't mean squat to me if she's not into it. That is my concern.

And yes, every other day during 2/3 of her cycle or so is what works for me and I don't see as being unreasonable. For now she's down with that too and does seem to be more "willing" the more we stick to it. Communication is getting much better too. It's just this lingering notion I constantly have on the back of my mind that's been bothering me for the reasons I've posted in other threads.

I'll probably leave this thread now. I've learned a lot and appreciate the responses. And, yes, I will even go out and buy her some yoga pants.


----------



## Starstarfish

As OP has said he's done with this thread, this quasi-rant post seemed unnecessary, so - removed for good taste.


----------



## that_girl

I'm all about the yoga pants.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

that_girl said:


> I'm all about the yoga pants.


quit yer cluckin.


----------



## that_girl

:rofl:


----------



## In Absentia

I hate it when people complain about having sex 3 times a week, I really do. It makes me depressed... they just have no idea.


----------



## that_girl

Everyone's problems are different. Just because someone's problem doesn't seem bad to you, doesn't mean the person isn't suffering.

IF that was the case, then NO ONE should ever complain about anything ever again. Because someone always has it worse.

People feel what they feel and that's ok.


----------



## Chumpless

And, Saki, I very much appreciate your posts. But I do care what my wife thinks of me and I am correcting what I know is bothersome to her. I'm making these changes for me, for her, and for my children. Like I said before, I'm not a narcissist. And yes, if we'd communicate more openly (which we are now) I probably wouldn't have to come here so often in the first place.


----------



## In Absentia

that_girl said:


> Everyone's problems are different. Just because someone's problem doesn't seem bad to you, doesn't mean the person isn't suffering.
> 
> IF that was the case, then NO ONE should ever complain about anything ever again. Because someone always has it worse.
> 
> People feel what they feel and that's ok.


No, having sex 3 times a week is not a problem... he is just being unreasonable, especially after years of marriage and small children.


----------



## that_girl

Is it? Really? That's your opinion. Opinions are not facts. This is his thread. 

Being HD, myself, I get it. I wouldn't complain unless sex stopped all together, but thankfully my hsuband is HD as well. We have small children and careers and have been together for a while and still like to have sex 5+ times a week. 

Everyone is different. Your opinion is valid, but his feelings are too.


----------



## In Absentia

that_girl said:


> Is it? Really? That's your opinion. Opinions are not facts. This is his thread.
> 
> Being HD, myself, I get it. I wouldn't complain unless sex stopped all together, but thankfully my hsuband is HD as well. We have small children and careers and have been together for a while and still like to have sex 5+ times a week.
> 
> Everyone is different. Your opinion is valid, but his feelings are too.


Of course it's my opinion... I still think he should take a step back and treat his marriage and his wife in a more mature way. 

And you are lucky! Congratulations...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I do believe in brushing your hair and keeping up with hygiene is very important. Brushing/flossing teeth, washing up/showering.

I'm not one for makeup, never have. I rarely wear it as I stated before. Sometimes I think jeans and a fitted t-shirt gets boring after a while too and I'll change it up. I will sometimes wear see through shirts.

When my husband comes home from work he changes into his sweats/lounge pants. He will wear this on the weekends unless he's leaving the house. It does not bother me one bit. I find my husband very sexy no matter what he wears. He's very picky of hygiene and showers 1-2 times a day,

We both take good care of our hair. Everyone in our household brushes their hair a few times a day. Us females all have very long hair in our household.

I don't mind showering with hubby either. It's changes things up a bit.

If my husband had any issues with what I'm wearing or my hair style, I'd like him to speak up and tell me. Since he needs to look at me all the time I'd like to not wear something he doesn't like. I'll let him know if there's a shirt or sweater that can go into the donation pile from his clothing. We are pretty good of letting each other know about these things. I do exercise to the best of my ability to keep myself in shape as possible. I always have. Appearance has always been towards the top of my list, but I do it all for myself.


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## that_girl

In Absentia said:


> Of course it's my opinion... I still think he should take a step back and treat his marriage and his wife in a more mature way.
> 
> And you are lucky! Congratulations...


Not lucky...I just didn't marry any of my exes who were all LD. Weird that they were all LD...oh well.

Sure, the OP could "step back" but he came here for help...and he was wondering why his wife is dressing the say she does at home. That's all.


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## Catherine602

All you want is for her comfortable clothes to be more attractive and clean. I don't see anything unreasonable about that.

If you wanted 5 inch satrapy sandals, a pencil skirt and low cut blouse then that would be unreasonable.

The only criteria for me for home attire is relatively lose, we don't wear shoes in the apartment and washable. 

I would not go without eye makeup which takes about 5 mins. Shadow, mascara and eye liner.


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## justbidingtime

And I pointed out he was whiny needy and his posts all reek of a level of narcissism.

I hope he learns from this. Hope the best for him and his wife......

However someone needed to tell him that he was being an ass.....


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## Ten_year_hubby

Chumpless said:


> But I do care what my wife thinks of me and I am correcting what I know is bothersome to her. I'm making these changes for me, for her, and for my children. Like I said before, I'm not a narcissist. And yes, if we'd communicate more openly (which we are now) I probably wouldn't have to come here so often in the first place.


My humble advice is to be careful not to care too much (about what your wife thinks of you). Accept that no matter what you do, what she thinks (about you) may not change. Explore the idea that maybe everything we are discussing has more to do what what she thinks about herself than anything else.


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## CandieGirl

...throw out her yucky clothes. That's what I'd do to my H...


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## TCSRedhead

CandieGirl said:


> ...throw out her yucky clothes. That's what I'd do to my H...


This started a huge fight with hubby when I threw out a favorite old t-shirt. The thing was gross and had holes - WTH?

Anyway, to the OP pay attention when she's dressed well, compliment that behavior and be supportive. From what other posters have referenced, you've been working on some other issues including her depression so give her time to move forward with these things. Being patient and supportive are the best approach.


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## Chumpless

Thanks Red. Patience it is.


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## EleGirl

CandieGirl said:


> ...throw out her yucky clothes. That's what I'd do to my H...


Ha! I did that with my husband as well. threw it all out. Even went shopping for new things. He had no fashion sense. The good thing was that the loved it.


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## In Absentia

EleGirl said:


> Ha! I did that with my husband as well. threw it all out. Even went shopping for new things. He had no fashion sense. The good thing was that the loved it.


I would be extremely annoyed if my wife threw away some of my clothes. She can ask me, but doing it without telling me would be very disrespectful, IMO. 

I'm glad your husband loved it... but what if he didn't?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My hubby and I never throw each others things away no matter what it may be. 

Wait.... I take that back. I threw away all his ex wife's photos, letters and cards that were in a box when first married. I told him what I did ASAP and he was not upset. She was trying her best to break us up and get back with him. Her plan never worked.


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## Open up now let it all go

I carefully listen to what my girlfriend finds good looking clothes and what not. If there's stuff I wear she doesn't like it quickly ends up not being worn and I try to keep her in mind when selecting new clothes. But I'd be rather pissed off if she decides to take matter into her own hands and throw my stuff away without me knowing.


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## CandieGirl

I throw stuff out within reason...holey undies and socks? Gone. Tshirts that are all stretched out of shape or stained? Gone. It has to be stuff that's really no good anymore...if I know he likes it, I wouldn't, but I have to be honest...he'd probably never notice either way, unless I tossed his entire wardrobe. Which I'd never do!


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## EleGirl

Open up now let it all go said:


> I carefully listen to what my girlfriend finds good looking clothes and what not. If there's stuff I wear she doesn't like it quickly ends up not being worn and I try to keep her in mind when selecting new clothes. But I'd be rather pissed off if she decides to take matter into her own hands and throw my stuff away without me knowing.


It comes down to knowing your spouse. 

My husband did not care that I threw out most of his old stuff and got him new stuff.

They way he looked at it was that it was work that he did not need to do. He could sit on his computer and play games and tada!!! new clothing showed up.

He was working a very well paid job and had no clue how to dress for it. He knew this and even asked for my help.

I would never throw out anything he cared about.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm frumpy today. I never gotten dressed and I've been in bed all day basically, minus my minimal chores in the chicken coop I had to take care of.

I feel like crud as I come down with a mild stomach sickness. I have on mismatched flannel pj's. I did manage to brush my hair. It's much too long not to brush it.


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## Catherine602

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm frumpy today. I never gotten dressed and I've been in bed all day basically, minus my minimal chores in the chicken coop I had to take care of.
> 
> I feel like crud as I come down with a mild stomach sickness. I have on mismatched flannel pj's. I did manage to brush my hair. It's much too long not to brush it.


And who cooked yesterday??


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Catherine602 said:


> And who cooked yesterday??


My hubby. The poor man. I feel awful not helping. My kids have this flu too.

I did manage to make the pumpkin and apple pies. I washed my hands extra well.


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## Catherine602

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My hubby. The poor man. I feel awful not helping. My kids have this flu too.
> 
> I did manage to make the pumpkin and apple pies. I washed my hands extra well.


Your husband can cook too! And Thanksgiving dinner! 

I know, it's sexist but I couldn't resist. 

You two sound just wonderful. I hope that everyone is on the road to recovery.


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