# I am so lost



## UltRugSwpr (7 mo ago)

Okay. Here goes. This is gonna be long winded, I apologize but I really could use some help here. I am totally stuck.
My tagline, UltRugSwpr, stands for Ultimate Rug Sweeper. I posted for the first time this month on the post “What Caught You By Surprise When You Were Cheated On?” by JBLH. I responded:
_“Two things surprised me when my girlfriend / fiancée / wife cheated on me (yup, she did it at all levels with multiple people): (1) the depth of her denial is absolutely sociopathic. Despite incontrovertible facts, she continues to deny, minimize and gaslight me; and (2) my ability to rug sweep and move on.
But here is the deal, I have not moved on. After two years of dating, two years of engagement and 40 years marriage, I am undeniably miserable in my marriage. It is the first thing I think about when I awake in the morning and the last thing I think about as I try to fall asleep at night. Every. Single. Day. And you wanna know what the worst of it is? It is that I know it is 100% my fault. I enabled it. I did virtually nothing then and I continue to do nothing now. Oh, we have had arguments. We have sought counseling. But reconciliation continues to elude us. Now, here I am, posting on a website of complete strangers. In hopes of what?”_
From that post, I was encouraged to start my own vine. I am taking your advice. Here goes.
I first met my wife, Jane (all names herein are fictitious), in college – her freshman year, my junior year. By the end of that first year, we were dating. Madly in love. We have not been separated since but over the course of our relationship and prior to marriage, she cheated, to my knowledge, on 5 different times. Each time, I accepted her dramatic apology and profession of her deep love for me. She the serial cheater; me the quintessential enabler. I admit it. I was simply too afraid to do the right thing (break up with her) because I knew in my heart that that would be the end of us. Forever. I loved her and believed she was genuinely contrite. Over and over again.
I can get into the gory details later, by there is no doubt that her sexual escapades included intercourse and oral sex with her AP’s. The last time it occurred - a date with another guy that was supposed to be over in the early afternoon but extended into the late evening “talking” at his apartment – was the least transgressive of her affairs, but it was the one that finally put me over the edge. I left in a fit of anger and while we subsequently made up (again), I finally made and internal promise to myself. Never again. It was like I had reached my saturation point, a new zero tolerance attitude had finally entered our relationship. I was finally “manning-up”. She knew it. I knew it. But once again, I had to “suck it up and move on” for our relationship to continue from this point.
We dated for 2 years; engaged for 2 years; married 40 years.
3 years and 1 child into our marriage, we were having dinner at my parent’s house, and I noticed Jane quietly left the dinner table and not returned. I found her upstairs in my parent’s bedroom, on the phone, whispering to someone on the other end. I confronted her, she was obviously panicked and claimed to be on the phone with her best friend. I knew she was lying and insisted she call her best friend back so I could confirm. My wife finally admitted to instead be talking to my good friend, Brian. I nearly went nuts but held it together long enough to get home. I get home, go ballistic. Jane responds with absolute hysterics. She is lying on the bedroom floor, naked, in a fetal position, crying uncontrollably – crying out how lonely she is, how she has no friends, working all day, coming home as essentially a single mom (I worked days selling cars and evenings as a waiter). Brian, she said, was her only friend in the area we lived.
_Quick sidebar: I was not only working two jobs but I was also abusing cocaine and coming home very late, multiple times a week. Who was my partner in crime? Yup, you guessed it, Brian._
Brian, btw, is a total pirate and womanizer. I didn’t / don’t trust him for a second with my wife. That said, I never could get any evidence that there was any sexual relations between the two. Bottom line: I sucked it up and moved on, again. Hoping that I had nipped it in the bud but never truly convinced that Jane and Brian hadn’t already hooked up. It, along with her other transgressions, continued to nag me daily but I never said a thing. For decades, we never even discuss any of her affairs. EVER.
So that’s it. For the next 30 some years we are the perfect couple – 5 kids, a dog, lovely home.
Then, 8 years ago, out of the blue, Jane accuses me of giving her herpes. WTF? I get tested; it is proven I did not give it to her. So here is the big nuclear cloud that reins down onto our marriage: Jane insists that her herpes could only have come from her high school boy friend because she has not engaged in oral sex or sexual intercourse with anyone since (with the exception of me, of course). I am completely gobbed smocked. I know for a fact this is false. I site my evidence from our college years – Jane spent the night with David; I walked in on her with Grant (Grant admitted when confronted by me to having sex with Jane on multiple occasions), etc., etc. Nope she says, not true. If she did those things she would have remembered, and she now remembers zero details from those escapades. *ZERO MEMORY!* Huge bumps in the road in our relationship. Events that took every ounce of effort on my part to overcome and she has zero memory? Complete Looney Tunes.
I then regroup and start drilling down into events with Brian. I make up some bullsh*t about how I know things. Jane takes the bait and admits to letting Brian into her pants in the parking lot at a local bar. I know she is still lying - TT’ing for sure. So I take her partial reveal and confront Brian. A totally humiliating pursuit by the way. Anyway, I confront Brian and he reveals multiple other parking lot and curbside events where they both got into each other’s pants and share “mutual happy endings”. I finally asked if he and Jane ever “took it to the next level?” Brian dropped his head and admitted to “that afternoon on the couch at your house a couple of times at my house.” Stomach punch; they f*<ked.
I knew there was much more chicken on the bone than what was being confessed but I had enough information from Brian to go back and confront my wife. Jane immediately wanted to know what Brian had told me. I simply said enough to know that you are lying. Jane went onto to confess multiple other locations that Brian did not address and finally, after much duress, Jane slapped her thigh and said, “Okay we had intercourse.” I asked how many times and she responded, “once at our house and twice at Brian’s.” Exactly the same verbiage as Brian had used. The two things that became apparent is that not only had they gone all the way, but their affair also continued for months – even after I had confronted her all those years ago, after her nervous breakdown, after I had “sucked it up and moved on”, she and Brian continued their affair! ARGHH!
Hear is crazy heaped on to crazy:

Jane and Brian collude and change their stories. Now, there was only the one-time fumble in the bar parking lot? WTF? They confess to sexual intercourse using the exact same description a few hours prior and now retrench to a one-time event (they can’t even get the location straight).
I continue to stay with Jane. Not because I am going to suck it up and move on again. Nope. My decision is influenced by the following: (a) we have an infant son; (b) I insist on counseling – both IC and together (we are going to get to the bottom of this; and (c) this event happened decades before, if we are going to divorce, I would like it to be something more current (e.g., where did she really get herpes) before I go down that road.
So here we are, 8 years later and still circling that same drain. Jane insists that her herpes came from her high school boyfriend. I insist that is not possible for reasons stated here. Four different counselor’s and each arrives to the same conclusion: given the huge disparity in in our respective factual summaries, they can not really offer any advice or provide any tools to go forward – “irreconcilable differences”, so to speak.
But I have learned a couple of things. There is lying and then there is denial. Lying is deliberate deception. Denal is rooted in fear in such a way that life’s occurrences can be blocked from, not necessarily a person’s memory, but from their admission. Events become irreconcilable with a person’s perceived reality. Not mumbo jumbo. It is what has been explained to me and what I have researched. I believe Jane’s denial is so deep that it is downright pathological (I used sociopathic before, but that was incorrect terminology).
So where are we? I wrote Jane a 30-page letter last week. Summarizing much of what is in this post and much, much more. I concluded the letter by saying if Jane could not find it in her to be forthcoming then maybe it was time we start discussing what me moving out of or home would entail. This idea crushed me. We have a 9 going on 10-year-old son at home that needs his father.
I am so lost.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

You're with a serial cheater. You only know about the ones you caught. There are many more. And there will still be many more to come.

What was her reaction to the letter?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

UltRugSwpr said:


> Okay. Here goes. This is gonna be long winded, I apologize but I really could use some help here. I am totally stuck.
> My tagline, UltRugSwpr, stands for Ultimate Rug Sweeper. I posted for the first time this month on the post “What Caught You By Surprise When You Were Cheated On?” by JBLH. I responded:
> _“Two things surprised me when my girlfriend / fiancée / wife cheated on me (yup, she did it at all levels with multiple people): (1) the depth of her denial is absolutely sociopathic. Despite incontrovertible facts, she continues to deny, minimize and gaslight me; and (2) my ability to rug sweep and move on.
> But here is the deal, I have not moved on. After two years of dating, two years of engagement and 40 years marriage, I am undeniably miserable in my marriage. It is the first thing I think about when I awake in the morning and the last thing I think about as I try to fall asleep at night. Every. Single. Day. And you wanna know what the worst of it is? It is that I know it is 100% my fault. I enabled it. I did virtually nothing then and I continue to do nothing now. Oh, we have had arguments. We have sought counseling. But reconciliation continues to elude us. Now, here I am, posting on a website of complete strangers. In hopes of what?”_
> ...


“_She the serial cheater; me the quintessential enabler. I admit it._ “
And it’s still that way now. It will be until you end it. Which you won’t because you are scared.
So why are you here?
You don’t need her to confess anything, you already know everything.
Why are you here?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If you’re looking for an answer for why you stayed in this miserable situation, look in the mirror. This is all on you and there is nothing anyone can do to help you.

You wasted your life to be miserable. Why?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Are you even sure the kids are yours?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t make a decision. Counselors aren’t going to fix this for you.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

You definitely need to move on. I would never put up with all of that. 
Move out. You may have rug swept, but she did this to you. ALL of it


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

UltRugSwpr said:


> ........._After two years of dating, two years of engagement and 40 years marriage, I am undeniably miserable in my marriage. It is the first thing I think about when I awake in the morning and the last thing I think about as I try to fall asleep at night.
> 
> ,,,,,,,I know it is 100% my fault. I enabled it. I did virtually nothing then and I continue to do nothing now.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how damaged you feel.

From what you have posted, you have an excellent understanding of your situation and the problems in your relationship. First I want to congratulate you on your level of understanding. Second you decision to make a promise to yourself was a huge step forward. Now keep your promise you made to yourself. 

I would like to strongly suggest you get and study Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about men who have been raised by women (mothers, women teachers, grandmothers, strong willed wives) and are co-dependent to their wives. They have grown up with the concept that to succeed and be good they must please the women in their life. They look to their wives for emotional validation and self worth. He proposes ways in which you need to Get a Life (code words) for doing things by yourself (or with your children) that bring you pride and confidence. 

When I did my Get a Life program I took up hobbies I gave up when I was first married: mountain climbing, running (10K's, 15K's and half marathons), long distance bicycling (100 mile or century rides). I actually did much of my training with my son's, which was a way to get closer to them and bond with them. I even too a first place in my age class for a long distance run. I summited a snow covered rock peak with my oldest son. I took pride in my accomplishments. My wife understood, I was no longer the same man I was and was changing without her. I no longer was codependent and needed her approval to be happy.

Glover also talks about "covert contracts," where in your mind say to yourself that if I do X, my wife will need to recognize what I did and that will allow her to do Y to make me happy. Unfortunately covert contracts don't work as the spouse never agreed to the bargain and also has no clue she should do Y. Your covert contract was that if you forgave your wife, she would be faithful and honest with you. Covert contracts don't work. You need to set real boundaries and have a mutual understanding of what happens if those boundaries are crossed.

I am appauled at the marriage counselors outcomes or lack of outcome. I think that they must have sensed your willingness to enable and not hold your wife accountable. If you ever try that again, set some quarterly goals with the counselor as to progress or their providing you with a reference to a different counselor who may be able to make progress to achieve certain quantifiable goals. I really think your wife needs so individual counseling to help her realize what a mess she has made of her life, and the marriage she has with you. Yes you enabled her behavior, but she needs counseling to start to recognize that she either needs to change her behavior toward you, your children and your marriage or her marriage is going to end. I am sure that was the meaning of your letter. 

But I do find it interesting that you just indicated you would move out and not divorce her. You made a promise to yourself. I would think that promise of "never again" would mean if it continues you would divorce her. You need to think about what your promise really was and if this saying "separation" is just one more enabling on your part? Divorce doesn't mean you loose custody of your children. Yes, you love this woman, but ultimately what is your current relationship? Are you co-dependent and need her emotional validation to be happy? Are you willing to excuse anything for that? You need to also consider what kind of role model you are for your children in shaping their expectations for what a marriage looks like. You might want to get some individual counseling to discuss these topics.

A set of side bar advice. Talk to a good divorce or family law attorney. You absolutely know you can't trust her, so get tested for STD's periodically. If you don't divorce her, at least set some clear well understood boundaries with her, put them in writing, have her sign or initial and then no matter what happens hold her (and yourself) accountable.

Good luck.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This can all be combined into a short and simple explanation: You are a complete enabler who chose to eat chit your entire relationship. Seriously…. Look in the mirror. You chose poorly and have continued to do so. At some point you have to take accountability for what’s happening to you and that time was long long ago.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

My God, what a sad depressing story! Forty four years with a serial cheater?!? And why are you the one talking about leaving the house? BTW, did you catch Herpes from her?


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## UltRugSwpr (7 mo ago)

I did not catch herpes.

In her mind, she has done nothing wrong. If she can't admit it to herself, she will never be able to acknowledge it to me or a marriage counselor. Our sessions boiled down to a "Yes you did; no I didn't" argument every time. The level of gaslighting is amazing. For the most part, we get along. For the most part, it has been a wonderful marriage. Lastly, this all went down 40 years ago (alleged infidelity); and 8 years ago (herpes) - she feels like there should be some sort of statutes of limitations on this thing and that I need to let go and move on. FYI - 8 years ago she took a lie detector test and was asked if she has had any relationship outside of our marriage since her sh*t with Brian. It was conclusive that she has not.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The only problem is that you haven’t taken care of the problem. Unfortunately you will not find any solution pills or unicorn fairies here. You will just get the truth. Your history proves you won’t do anything but smoke the hopium pipe and your wife absolutely knows that beyond all shadow of a doubt.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

UltRugSwpr said:


> I did not catch herpes.
> 
> In her mind, she has done nothing wrong. If she can't admit it to herself, she will never be able to acknowledge it to me or a marriage counselor. Our sessions boiled down to a "Yes you did; no I didn't" argument every time. The level of gaslighting is amazing. For the most part, we get along. For the most part, it has been a wonderful marriage. Lastly, this all went down 40 years ago (alleged infidelity); and 8 years ago (herpes) - she feels like there should be some sort of statutes of limitations on this thing and that I need to let go and move on. FYI - 8 years ago she took a lie detector test and was asked if she has had any relationship outside of our marriage since her sh*t with Brian. It was conclusive that she has not.


''For the most part, it has been a wonderful marriage,'' except you're involuntarily in an open marriage.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Doing a little math here, you met her as a freshman in college so she was 18 or 19 dated 2 years so 20 or 21, engaged two 22 or 23, married 40 so 62 or 63 now. you have a 9 soon to be 10 year old. So she gave birth to your son at around 52 or 53 years old, wow!


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Always Learning said:


> Doing a little math here, you met her as a freshman in college so she was 18 or 19 dated 2 years so 20 or 21, engaged two 22 or 23, married 40 so 62 or 63 now. you have a 9 soon to be 10 year old. So she gave birth to your son at around 52 or 53 years old, wow!


It's possible. The mother of the wife of a German Footballplayer (Özil) gave birth to twins at the age of 50 twelve years ago. 
She had already 6 kids or more. She conceived naturally but also unintended.
It is rare, but not impossible.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

elliblue said:


> It's possible. The mother of the wife of a German Footballplayer (Özil) gave birth to twins at the age of 50 twelve years ago.
> She had already 6 kids or more. She conceived naturally but also unintended.
> It is rare, but not impossible.


Oh I know it's possible but still WOW!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How in the world could it be a wonderful marriage when she has been cheating on you for most of it? I suggest you keep living in your little delusional world and pretend it never happened.


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## UltRugSwpr (7 mo ago)

Always Learning your timeline is dead on. We adopted our 5th child. Started out as Fostering then fell in love.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Why don’t you focus on you instead of her for about the next 12 months.
You need to focus on yourself as a man, and figure out and fix the things that led you to all of this rug sweeping and tolerating things that should never have been tolerated.

Stop arguing with your wife, stop trying to get her to understand your perspective/feelings and admit to her destructive behavior.
Instead, start detaching yourself from her and any need for her validation/agreement.

There is no ****ing reconciliation here dude. It’s not happening so stop pretending it is, stop hoping it will and start building yourself into a stronger man who doesn’t need it.
That should be your focus for the next year - build yourself into a stronger, more confident, more attractive man that doesn’t rug sweep or tolerate the kind of betrayal that you have tolerated.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

UltRugSwpr said:


> In her mind, she has done nothing wrong. If she can't admit it to herself, she will never be able to acknowledge it to me or a marriage counselor.


Correct, there's little a marriage counselor can do if she can't admit to herself that it happened.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi OP


> I am so lost.


Really? It seems simple to me. Your wife is a bad one. As long as you stay married to her, she will bring pain and grief into your life. 
She's shown you who she is.
You stay married to her, expect more of the same.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It is mind boggling to read about reluctant cuckolds lamenting their situations when in reality they are men that never had the balls to be a man or to at least have some pride and dignity to end a relationship where if you think about it, this OP if he hasn't DNA his children who's to tell if they are even his. I can hear it now: they are my children because they are the spitting image of me. Obviously, an statement by someone that have little to none clue on human genetics. Very typical.

Of course, he's so lost. OP has been lost since the moment he started this relationship, and most likely will continue to be lost as that's the usual outcome.

Just the fact that he's just expecting her to be "forthcoming" would be enough for him to continue the relationship is such a pathetic, sad excuse for a man to stay. That's beyond rug sweeping, that's capitulating on not just his pride and dignity, but on his man card.

I can see regardless of whatever she does, OP will still be there, rug sweeping as usual. I wonder why such individuals even bother with anything, they should just keep quiet and carry on as always.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

OP....have you made a decision ?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

UltRugSwpr said:


> I did not catch herpes.
> 
> In her mind, she has done nothing wrong. If she can't admit it to herself, she will never be able to acknowledge it to me or a marriage counselor. Our sessions boiled down to a "Yes you did; no I didn't" argument every time. The level of gaslighting is amazing. For the most part, we get along. For the most part, it has been a wonderful marriage. Lastly, this all went down 40 years ago (alleged infidelity); and 8 years ago (herpes) - she feels like there should be some sort of statutes of limitations on this thing and that I need to let go and move on. FYI - 8 years ago she took a lie detector test and was asked if she has had any relationship outside of our marriage since her sh*t with Brian. It was conclusive that she has not.


Forget marriage counselling, the marriage did not cheat and lie and keep secrets over decades, neither did you. The problem is your WW.
People like your wife will never acknowledge nor own the damage they have done until they lose everything. She even says she cannot remember. Time to divorce her, there is no other solution. Sue for custody of the child also. Get a good bull dog lawyer. A woman who can lie for years and still lies does not love you nor care for your feelings at all.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

UltRugSwpr said:


> I did not catch herpes.
> 
> *In her mind, she has done nothing wrong. If she can't admit it to herself, she will never be able to acknowledge it to me or a marriage counselor. Our sessions boiled down to a "Yes you did; no I didn't" argument every time.* The level of gaslighting is amazing. For the most part, we get along.* For the most part, it has been a wonderful marriage*. Lastly, this all went down 40 years ago (alleged infidelity); and 8 years ago (herpes) - she feels like there should be some sort of statutes of limitations on this thing and that I need to let go and move on. FYI - 8 years ago she took a lie detector test and was asked if she has had any relationship outside of our marriage since her sh*t with Brian. It was conclusive that she has not.


When you hire a professional, like a counselor you need to manage the contract. It doesn't matter if they are putting a roof on your house, or rebuilding your marriage. Perhaps it is more like drilling a water well in the hope of finding water. Sometimes the effort results in an expensive dry well with no water.

You are obviously upset with your wife's affairs and her lack of commitment to your marriage. She should understand that. In theory if she wants a better marriage, she should be willing to work toward a better marriage. She may refuse to admitting what she did, but she and the counselor should be able to focus on your emotional pain and your desire to improve the marriage. If the counselor can't suggest ways to improve your relationship, then maybe they should admit that and refer you to someone that might be able to help or say it is not worth continuing.

In reconciling my sex starved marriage the Marriage Counselor and Sex Therapist MC/ST asked my wife what she thought would happen if we never had sex again. My wife avoided answering that question for a long time. The ST keep asking over multiple sessions until my wife said that we would probably end up divorcing. The ST complemented my wife and told her that in her experience counseling hundreds of couples over decades of professional practice it was also her opinion that we would probably end in divorce. That was the turning point in our marriage counseling.

After that the sessions focused on asking my wife what she wanted? Did she want to ultimately divorce, knowing it was the logical consequences of her actions? 

The ST asked me if I had ever thought of divorce. I said yes, that I had looked up the divorce laws in our state, that I looked up how long it took between filing the papers and when the divorce would be final and all financial obligations settled. I also said that I had promised myself that I would try to do anything to save the marriage, but if by a certain major birthday, I would divorce her. My promise to myself that I was going to keep was that I was going to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman by that birthday, it could be my wife or it could be someone else. I wanted it to be my wife. 

We then focused on what my wife wanted (divorce or marriage) and the ST helped us negotiate what a "loving sexual relationship" looked like. It took both of us to commit to reconciing. 

If your wife won't admit what she did, can she at least admit you are in emotional pain and that pain is hurting the marriage. If so, maybe the two of you can focus on ways of building trust and focusing on your future together; if there is to be a future. If she can't do that, then maybe there is not a future.

Good luck to you.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You can't get back all the years you wasted with her but you can get rid of her miserable arse and enjoy the time you have left OP.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Post deleted


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## UltRugSwpr (7 mo ago)

We have sex. Very satisfying sex. But we don't kiss. I always have to initiate.
We have fun while with others, are cordial while together by ourselves, enjoy our family (extended and immediate) but we no longer share a love connection. 
LYBNILWY? Seems like it.
BTW - a total non-response to the 30-page letter I wrote to her going on 3 weeks ago. 80 questions - non-rhetorical - and zero answers. Not even an acknowledgement of receiving the letter.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Wow you strike me as very codependent. 

There are several books you can read to help.

Codependent No More and Codependency For Dummies


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

UltRugSwpr said:


> BTW - a total non-response to the 30-page letter I wrote to her going on 3 weeks ago. 80 questions - non-rhetorical - and zero answers. Not even an acknowledgement of receiving the letter.


Why are you staying in this relationship? If you are committed to accepting whatever she doles out, there is not much advice we can offer you.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

UltRugSwpr said:


> Okay. Here goes. This is gonna be long winded, I apologize but I really could use some help here. I am totally stuck.
> My tagline, UltRugSwpr, stands for Ultimate Rug Sweeper. I posted for the first time this month on the post “What Caught You By Surprise When You Were Cheated On?” by JBLH. I responded:
> _“Two things surprised me when my girlfriend / fiancée / wife cheated on me (yup, she did it at all levels with multiple people): (1) the depth of her denial is absolutely sociopathic. Despite incontrovertible facts, she continues to deny, minimize and gaslight me; and (2) my ability to rug sweep and move on.
> But here is the deal, I have not moved on. After two years of dating, two years of engagement and 40 years marriage, I am undeniably miserable in my marriage. It is the first thing I think about when I awake in the morning and the last thing I think about as I try to fall asleep at night. Every. Single. Day. And you wanna know what the worst of it is? It is that I know it is 100% my fault. I enabled it. I did virtually nothing then and I continue to do nothing now. Oh, we have had arguments. We have sought counseling. But reconciliation continues to elude us. Now, here I am, posting on a website of complete strangers. In hopes of what?”_
> ...


The moral of the story: When they show you what they really are, believe them.
You validated her for OVER FORTY YEARS!
I'd say this is well beyond fixing.
You have two options.
Either way, you need to GO YOUR OWN WAY.
Obviously, you can divorce OR you can keep the current arrangement and GO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE.
Choose the one that works best for you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

re16 said:


> Why are you staying in this relationship? If you are committed to accepting whatever she doles out, there is not much advice we can offer you.


Like I said in my previous post:



Rob_1 said:


> I can see regardless of whatever she does, OP will still be there, rug sweeping as usual. I wonder why such individuals even bother with anything, they should just keep quiet and carry on as always.


This dude is a Simp, plainly. I doubt that he will make a move for himself at all, until the day comes when she dumps him and leaves him sucking his thumb ( obviously, she'd do that if is more convenient to her, rather than staying).


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Of course she didn’t respond. The degree of such spinelessness is gut wrenching. Why would she even acknowledge it? You would be crazy to think that she would.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

You're marriage isn't over because it never begun.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Ultra...... You have two choices:

1. Continue to be a cuckold husband, with a wife who serially has sex with other people OR
2. Recover your spine, file for divorce and go live a netter life.

She is not remorseful, sorry or even gives a crap about your feelings or your marriage. You are her support system.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@UltRugSwpr 
What are you looking for in posting this thread advice, pity, just venting, etc.?
What do you want out of your marriage from here on out?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @UltRugSwpr
> What are you looking for in posting this thread advice, pity, just venting, etc.?
> What do you want out of your marriage from here on out?


Wasted time asking. He's not coming back. Can you see? I would be extremely surprised if he did.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @UltRugSwpr
> What are you looking for in posting this thread advice, pity, just venting, etc.?
> What do you want out of your marriage from here on out?


Perhaps courage.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

UltRugSwpr said:


> We have sex. Very satisfying sex. But we don't kiss. I always have to initiate.
> We have fun while with others, are cordial while together by ourselves, enjoy our family (extended and immediate) but we no longer share a love connection.
> LYBNILWY? Seems like it.
> BTW - a total non-response to the 30-page letter I wrote to her going on 3 weeks ago. 80 questions - non-rhetorical - and zero answers. Not even an acknowledgement of receiving the letter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a glowing example of a BS using all of their time and energy trying to convince the WS that they cheated.


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