# 125 secret texts in 4 days



## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

Last night my husband received a text. I asked to see it. He refused and got angry and left the house. He came back after deleting God-knows how many and made up a lie. He showed me what was safe - a few texts about the kids but had erased many in-between. He claimed they were from a male neighbor down the street. This male neighbor has a very sexy wife that I happen to be friendly with. 
After looking at my husband's text log on-line I discovered 125 texts within the last 4 days between a number & my husband. I looked in my phone and sure enough! The number belongs to the sexy wife. 
I called my husband immediately & texted the woman as well. They both claim they are simply friends and that apparently I am the only one who doesn't know that they are all friends. My husband never told me he was friends with either of them. 
Now I am sitting here dealing with the fact that my husband lied about being friends with this woman, erasing all the texts, and not giving a **** how I feel about it all.
He says he enjoys being her friend, she is funny, and they click.

We already have trust issues and this isn't helping. Both he & the woman claim it is nothing more than friendship but then why be so secretive?! If I hadn't checked text logs I would have never known.

I scheduled a therapy appt for the weekend after next but I really don't know wth to do until then. I am having lunch with the woman Thursday so we can talk but I can't help but feel like I am just the fool in this situation.

My husband refuses to stop texting her but I asked him to tone it down a bit & to show me all the texts for awhile. He claims he will but what is to stop him from erasing the naughty ones.

Please help.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tell her husband. It will stop.

Download divorce forms from your state web site and leave them on the table for him to find. It will stop.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Tell her husband. It will stop.
> 
> Download divorce forms from your state web site and leave them on the table for him to find. It will stop.


they claim the husband knows about their chatting... I don't have any way to contact him unless I see him.

I have been shopping around divorce lawyers. They are quite pricey...


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

A therapy session for what? You don't need one. Its very simple, when you have lunch with that sexy neighbor, you tell her in a very straight-to-the-point way but without coming off as being psychotic or pathetic that you will not allow her to text or communicate with your husband every again. The communication stops now. Tell her that If she continues, you have no choice but to contact her husband and tell him that she and your husband are exchanging messages. 

She might say that she and your husband are only friends or what not. Tell her that you don't care and tell her to be friends with someone else but not your husband. 

Then see if she stops texting. She might but there is a strong chance that your husband will be texting her to initiate. If she doesn't reply then mission accomplished. But if she replies back and continues, you simply take his phone and walk it over to your neighbor's husband and share all the messages with him. Then go back home and tell your husband, to pack his bags and get the **** out of the house. 

If you aren't firm now and hold your ground, this "friendship" will become a full blown affair.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

Alpha said:


> A therapy session for what? You don't need one. Its very simple, when you have lunch with that sexy neighbor, you tell her in a very straight-to-the-point way but without coming off as being psychotic or pathetic that you will not allow her to text or communicate with your husband every again. The communication stops now. Tell her that If she continues, you have no choice but to contact her husband and tell him that she and your husband are exchanging messages.
> 
> She might say that she and your husband are only friends or what not. Tell her that you don't care and tell her to be friends with someone else but not your husband.
> 
> ...


My husband has made it clear that he will not stop the friendship with this woman. I can ask her to stop but he will be furious. 
I am just second-guessing myself as to whether or not them being friends is appropriate...He has me feeling so bad about everything that I'm actually trying to justify this crud! How sickening. We all have kids and the kids are friends. What makes this so horrible is the lies and deleting. I guess I will talk with her, see the therapist, then perhaps file for divorce. All I know is that I feel sick to my stomach.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Stop making excuses that only let him and her control your life. They know it disrespecting you and they've already told you they don't care. It's time for you to stand up for yourself. They must be getting a good laugh at your expense. 

You know where she lives. Go there and see her husband, call him, give him a copy of the text records. 

A lawyer will give you a free consult. Just him finding the divorce forms will inform him your serious. Let him know your talking to D lawyers. See what he thinks about paying you alimony and supporting a residence with her too. 

Control you life, don't let others make life decisions for you.

Read this. Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Alpha said:


> A therapy session for what? You don't need one. Its very simple, when you have lunch with that sexy neighbor, you tell her in a very straight-to-the-point way but without coming off as being psychotic or pathetic that you will not allow her to text or communicate with your husband every again. The communication stops now. Tell her that If she continues, you have no choice but to contact her husband and tell him that she and your husband are exchanging messages.
> 
> She might say that she and your husband are only friends or what not. Tell her that you don't care and tell her to be friends with someone else but not your husband.
> 
> ...


At best, this solves the immediate situation, but most likely, won't even do that. The real issue is her husband's poor boundaries and lack of respect for her. Stop this woman from communicating with her husband, but the next one is just a text message away.

To the OP... If he had nothing to hide from you, he wouldn't be deleting his text messages. If you get detailed cell phone billing, you can compare the number of messages you see with the number the online bill says were sent. Should be clear if some are missing. There's also software that can recover erased messages, depending on the phone.

If he offers to show you the messages, keep in mind there's a ton of apps on most smart phones that can send messages that don't show up on a cell bill or in the text logs. Skype, Whatsapp, TextNow... He could even use them, then uninstall the app before he hands his phone over to you. So don't think you're out of the woods if he suddenly comes clean. 

How's your relationship in general?

C


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

PBear said:


> How's your relationship in general?
> 
> C


our marriage in general is pretty bad. he has been talking about separating for a couple months now. we are on two different pages as far as what we want. i have been begging him to give me more time & affection. he claims he's so busy at work yet he's been texting this woman. he has a history or lying but it has always been pot related. now it is about another woman.

i have been trying to be more of what he wants - not complaining about his pot use, not questioning his whereabouts, etc. he always said i needed to trust him. well, look where that got me... 

i am scared of divorce because i am a stay at home mom of 3. he provides our medical & everything through his employment. we own a home that i cannot afford to keep if we divorce.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

MRB said:


> our marriage in general is pretty bad. he has been talking about separating for a couple months now. we are on two different pages as far as what we want. i have been begging him to give me more time & affection. he claims he's so busy at work yet he's been texting this woman. he has a history or lying but it has always been pot related. now it is about another woman.
> 
> i have been trying to be more of what he wants - not complaining about his pot use, not questioning his whereabouts, etc. he always said i needed to trust him. well, look where that got me...
> 
> i am scared of divorce because i am a stay at home mom of 3. he provides our medical & everything through his employment. we own a home that i cannot afford to keep if we divorce.


This is co-dependent behavior. I know because I too suffered from it. File. Drug use that you are not OK with especially the illegal kind is not something you should have to "deal with". 

On top of that, your feelings of you "not being able to get by without him" is unrealistic and the definition of co-dependency. Please for the sake of yourself, make a stand. You are not being controlling in this case. 

I will warn you. Him wanting to be separated is his way of being checked out of the marriage. This girl to him is not an affair, because put plainly, he is possibly no longer married in his mind. Only in yours.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

hope4family said:


> This is co-dependent behavior. I know because I too suffered from it. File. Drug use that you are not OK with especially the illegal kind is not something you should have to "deal with".
> 
> On top of that, your feelings of you "not being able to get by without him" is unrealistic and the definition of co-dependency. Please for the sake of yourself, make a stand. You are not being controlling in this case.
> 
> I will warn you. Him wanting to be separated is his way of being checked out of the marriage. This girl to him is not an affair, because put plainly, he is possibly no longer married in his mind. Only in yours.


you are so right. i don't know why i am allowing myself to go through this. i just asked him again to stop the texting relationship and he flat out said "no". 

my entire life has gone to hell in a matter of hours.

should i even try therapy or just walk away now?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MRB said:


> our marriage in general is pretty bad. he has been talking about separating for a couple months now. we are on two different pages as far as what we want. i have been begging him to give me more time & affection. he claims he's so busy at work yet he's been texting this woman. he has a history or lying but it has always been pot related. now it is about another woman.
> 
> i have been trying to be more of what he wants - not complaining about his pot use, not questioning his whereabouts, etc. he always said i needed to trust him. well, look where that got me...
> 
> i am scared of divorce because i am a stay at home mom of 3. he provides our medical & everything through his employment. we own a home that i cannot afford to keep if we divorce.


You know that the separation talk is probably going on as long as he's been engaging with this OW. You just don't know it. Again her husband will put an end to that. Expose them!

As far as divorce, he'll have to pay child support for the children and spousal support for you. You won't have to pay the house alone. That's why you have to get a free consultation with a lawyer to learn where you stand. He may even have to pay for your lawyer. As for as the pot, you can use that in court against him too. 

He will end up on the down side not you.

Where's you family, and close friends? You need help and a support group now.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> You know that the separation talk is probably going on as long as he's been engaging with this OW. You just don't know it. Again her husband will put an end to that. Expose them!
> 
> As far as divorce, he'll have to pay child support for the children and spousal support for you. You won't have to pay the house alone. That's why you have to get a free consultation with a lawyer to learn where you stand. He may even have to pay for your lawyer. As for as the pot, you can use that in court against him too.
> 
> ...


i have family about an hour away. i will go back to them I am thinking. Unfortunately here in CA his pot is legal as a script. I just sent him a text telling him I am not okay with this and we'll need to discuss divorce. he doesn't care. He just said "sorry you feel that way".


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need some hard evidence to show her husband if they've done this good a job "Crazy Making" with you they'll have him befuddled in a a minute.

You need to see those texts.

What kind of phone does he have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MRB said:


> i have family about an hour away. i will go back to them I am thinking. Unfortunately here in CA his pot is legal as a script. I just sent him a text telling him I am not okay with this and we'll need to discuss divorce. he doesn't care. He just said "sorry you feel that way".


He will when the CA courts take the cash out of his wallet and give it to you and the kids. 

Don't keep their friendship from her husband. He has a right to know what is going on in his marriage too. 

Good luck


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

tacoma said:


> You need some hard evidence to show her husband if they've done this good a job "Crazy Making" with you they'll have him befuddled in a a minute.
> 
> You need to see those texts.
> 
> ...


he has an HTC Sensation


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> He will when the CA courts take the cash out of his wallet and give it to you and the kids.
> 
> Don't keep their friendship from her husband. He has a right to know what is going on in his marriage too.
> 
> Good luck


they claim he is well-aware...
if i had his number I would text but i don't want to go through everyone in his call log and text them. then i'll really look crazy.

but you know, if he honestly has that little regard for me to refuse to stop the texting then do i really want to continue with him? i need to stop being a wimp and leave already.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MRB said:


> he has an HTC Sensation


This will allow you to find texts he has already deleted from the back up.

How to backup HTC Incredible S text messages with Android SMS transfer? | Backup & Restore SMS

If you can get a hold of the phone for a little while.

Is he sleeping with it yet?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MRB said:


> they claim he is well-aware...
> if i had his number I would text but i don't want to go through everyone in his call log and text them. then i'll really look crazy.get
> 
> *Yeah I bet he knows  Then tell him when you can. *
> ...


I'm as mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore. - YouTube


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

tacoma said:


> This will allow you to find texts he has already deleted from the back up.
> 
> How to backup HTC Incredible S text messages with Android SMS transfer? | Backup & Restore SMS
> 
> ...


it's only 6pm here. he sleeps with it under his pillow when he does go to sleep. i'll see what i can do.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MRB said:


> it's only 6pm here. he sleeps with it under his pillow when he does go to sleep. i'll see what i can do.


How did I know that?

It's obvious he's cheating and fairly hardcore if he's sleeping with his phone.

Get a VAR and velcro it under the drivers seat in his car.

You will get his half of their conversations quickly and easily that way.

There's your evidence without having to sneak his phone out from under his pillow.

Amazon.com: Voice-activated Microcassette Recorder: Electronics

They cost the same at Best Buy if you don't want to wait for shipping.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> I'm as mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore. - YouTube


i spoke with family today and they said i am welcome there. i intend to keep our therapy appt simply so we can discuss how to split fairly. i'm pretty sure i'm tired of being stepped on even though my heart is being torn apart. i just wish i didn't still love him and love our family as a unit.

[email protected] the vid!


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

tacoma said:


> How did I know that?
> 
> It's obvious he's cheating and fairly hardcore if he's sleeping with his phone.
> 
> ...


yup. i'm not allowed to see his phone or his email. and i can wait for shipping. i can't make any big moves as far as leaving our home until May when my teen finishes his 10th grade year. I don't want to pull him out with 2 months left.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why do you and the children have to leave your home? He wants out, let him go. Unless, you need to be close to family.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry you are here, he is being a big jerk. I would suggest that you don't have lunch with the OW. Talk to her husband ASAP. I would even wait outside for him. They are being very cruel to you. You have rights don't leave your home. Tell him to pick and now. Expose, heck put up a sign "cheating wh0re lives here" on her lawn. Lets see if her husband really did know. 

Stay strong you do not deserve this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Actually MRB, Mablenc is right.

Nothing good will come of a face to face with the OW.

Don't show for that lunch.
What good will it do?

She'll lie.
You won't believe her.

That's the very best that can happen.

The worst involves medical attention and police reports.

Don't even bother.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Why do you and the children have to leave your home? He wants out, let him go. Unless, you need to be close to family.


i guess i am confused as to what to do. how will i pay the mortgage? his CS for 1 kid won't be a lot. i guess i just figured it would be easier to move back home & start fresh. i'm hoping in therapy saturday we can hash out these things.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

mablenc said:


> Sorry you are here, he is being a big jerk. I would suggest that you don't have lunch with the OW. Talk to her husband ASAP. I would even wait outside for him. They are being very cruel to you. You have rights don't leave your home. Tell him to pick and now. Expose, heck put up a sign "cheating wh0re lives here" on her lawn. Lets see if her husband really did know.
> 
> Stay strong you do not deserve this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ok. i won't have lunch with her. i set up the lunch when i was trying to believe they were just friends. i was planning on making myself a part of whatever the hell is happening to my life.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Did he agree to go to therapy with you? 

Otherwise, what's this "we". "We" aren't the ones divorcing. Where does "we" live anyway? Is "we" the one he is cheating on, causing him to hold his phone close at night? 

While I understand i'm sure you both have made mistakes, ANY FRIENDSHIP THAT SUPERSEDES THE PRIORITY OF THE OTHER SPOUSE IS AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR OR AT THE VERY LEAST NEGLECT. 

Sorry for yelling, just do not tolerate it. Get that appointment with a lawyer, and prepare for it to get messy when he realizes he can't have his cake (money) and eat it. (Live a care free life without you, a kid, and a nice new shiny woman.) 

Expose to the husband. Tell him at the very least that both of them are putting their friendship ahead of your feelings. Now ask any reasonable person what that sounds like they are doing?

Edit: Stop worrying about him calling you controlling. That is not spousal support. You have a natural defense to defend the homestead. He obviously does not share this feeling with you. (Reminds me when I had a female friend that my wife asked me to stop talking to and I did, when it came time to return the favor...guess what? Yup, I was controlling.) It's time for his pot to meet the kettle.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MRB said:


> i guess i am confused as to what to do. how will i pay the mortgage? his CS for 1 kid won't be a lot. i guess i just figured it would be easier to move back home & start fresh. i'm hoping in therapy saturday we can hash out these things.


No, No, No do not discuss how to split things with the therapist. Your H will take advantage of you and the child. Splits are disused with a lawyer. A lawyer will look out for you and your child. Unlike your H who is being selfish. You H is being manipulative, you are inexperienced at this, let a lawyer handle him. 

You need to learn about CA divorce. You are entitled to spousal support. Get a free consultation from a divorce lawyer, google CA divorce, ask a family member for a down payment towards a fee. Some lawyers will take the rest of their fee from the settlement. 

Divorce or Separation - divorce_or_separation_selfhelp


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

hope4family said:


> Did he agree to go to therapy with you?
> 
> Otherwise, what's this "we". "We" aren't the ones divorcing. Where does "we" live anyway? Is "we" the one he is cheating on, causing him to hold his phone close at night?
> 
> ...


i had a moment of clarity at 3am. I want a divorce. I feel so disrespected and disgusted. I have a lawyer that handled some things for me years ago and he is willing to give me a great rate. To answer your other question though, yes, my husband agreed to therapy but I plan to use it to try to talk civilly about our divorce. I also plan on insisting we sell the home & split the money. I was being a fool for thinking that I'd let him have it. 

I'm just not sure if I should go file NOW or wait until after therapy Saturday.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> No, No, No do not discuss how to split things with the therapist. Your H will take advantage of you and the child. Splits are disused with a lawyer. A lawyer will look out for you and your child. Unlike your H who is being selfish. You H is being manipulative, you are inexperienced at this, let a lawyer handle him.
> 
> You need to learn about CA divorce. You are entitled to spousal support. Get a free consultation from a divorce lawyer, google CA divorce, ask a family member for a down payment towards a fee. Some lawyers will take the rest of their fee from the settlement.
> 
> Divorce or Separation - divorce_or_separation_selfhelp


so glad you said that! Ok, so I won't even mention divorce at all. I do want to try to get the truth from him in therapy though. My sadistic brain just wants to hear it. - side note- the a-hole just woke up and kissed my forehead before leaving for work. I guess the facts that I slept in a separate bedroom & removed my wedding rings eluded him. I KNOW he thinks I won't make a move to leave. I have put up with so much bullcrap from him & I have always been the one to try to hold us together. Well, not anymore a-hole.

So, back to the lawyer. Should I go down & file now or wait until after therapy? I mean, he'll just LIE in therapy & say nothing is going on. I just feel so bad for my boys. Our 8 yr old is always hugging us and saying how much he loves having his mommy & daddy together. Great, now I'm crying...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell her husband that his wife and your husband are in an affair. Because they are.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Personally, therapy is generally a waist of time. 

He does want it though. Why? What is his goal?

Edit: Unless you want him to, dont let him kiss you again. It's a mind game, if you let him do it. He thinks he is winning.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

MRB said:


> I just sent him a text telling him I am not okay with this and we'll need to discuss divorce. he doesn't care. He just said "sorry you feel that way".


WHAT!!!!
Then Im sorry to say hes checked out of this relationship. Hes sorry you found out and hes sorry he has to drop the other lady. As suggested seek out the address, wait for the H to leave home and follow him, have a prewritten letter telling him whats happening and place it under his shild wipers if you cannot call, text him or send a letter to the house (if a letter does go there and the OW see it she'll potentially rip it up anyway. The fact that your H says he knows about the friendship is one thing but does he know how deep that friendship is especially when texts are clearly being deleted so you cannot see them.

Its a tough call but there are ways to bring about some reaction from your H who by the way hes acting is thinking youll sit back and let him carrry on regardless


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

hope4family said:


> Personally, therapy is generally a waist of time.
> 
> He does want it though. Why? What is his goal?
> 
> Edit: Unless you want him to, dont let him kiss you again. It's a mind game, if you let him do it. He thinks he is winning.


yep. we've tried therapy twice before. never worked. i don't know what his goal is. before i found out about the other woman i assumed he wanted to save the marriage. now i really don't know what his angle is. as far as the kissing goes. well, i want to stay pretty silent about my divorce intentions until I actually serve him. I don't want him to file first. if i have to endure a few forehead pecks then so be it.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

Pault said:


> WHAT!!!!
> Then Im sorry to say hes checked out of this relationship. Hes sorry you found out and hes sorry he has to drop the other lady. As suggested seek out the address, wait for the H to leave home and follow him, have a prewritten letter telling him whats happening and place it under his shild wipers if you cannot call, text him or send a letter to the house (if a letter does go there and the OW see it she'll potentially rip it up anyway. The fact that your H says he knows about the friendship is one thing but does he know how deep that friendship is especially when texts are clearly being deleted so you cannot see them.
> 
> Its a tough call but there are ways to bring about some reaction from your H who by the way hes acting is thinking youll sit back and let him carrry on regardless


the neighbors live about 8 houses down. i really don't know when the guy leaves in the morning - i never see him. i only see him on weekends. the guy is a Highway Patrol officer so i'm not sure what hours he keeps. 

and i believe you are 100% right about my H thinking I will just sit back and let myself get walked over again. I mean I've stuck around this long with his lies & b.s. but this is the first time in our marriage where another woman is involved. dealing with his pot addiction and other crud is one thing - cheating and being secretive in a whole other ballgame.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

update: I filed for divorce today

i called my husband from the lawyer's office because I was having second thoughts. he didn't pick up but texted back that he was in a meeting. so i texted that I was at a divorce lawyer. he simply said he'd call me later. he never ended up calling me back, lol, that's how much he cared. about 4 hours later he simply texted "what now?". so i told him i had made him very happy that day & filed for divorce. no reply from him. he's probably laughing about it with his wh**e.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good for you MRB.

First step towards a better life for you and your child. 

I know it hurts, but he's just proving how much he cares. But then again you knew that.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Good for you MRB.
> 
> First step towards a better life for you and your child.
> 
> I know it hurts, but he's just proving how much he cares. But then again you knew that.


i honestly don't think i have ever experienced something so painful. thank you for your sweet words. funny how 2 days ago i was thinking life was dandy... how quick life can change.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

MRB said:


> i honestly don't think i have ever experienced something so painful. thank you for your sweet words. funny how 2 days ago i was thinking life was dandy... how quick life can change.


Lots of us have been there. Just a few days before things got bad, I thought to myself, "I'm glad we can work through our troubles." 

Lots of our stories are similar. Draw close to your family.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

hope4family said:


> Lots of us have been there. Just a few days before things got bad, I thought to myself, "I'm glad we can work through our troubles."
> 
> Lots of our stories are similar. Draw close to your family.


my husband is angry. probably didn't think I had the nerve to do it. he sent a text that said he will be staying with a friend all week. frankly I am happy to hear that i don't need to see him for awhile.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

MRB said:


> my husband is angry. probably didn't think I had the nerve to do it. he sent a text that said he will be staying with a friend all week. frankly I am happy to hear that i don't need to see him for awhile.


Oh boo hoo. He goes to hang out with a "friend" for a week while you man the fort with a child all by your lonesome. 

He is surrendering. Showing you his colors, and will likely be regrouping. I hope he isn't successful.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

hope4family said:


> Oh boo hoo. He goes to hang out with a "friend" for a week while you man the fort with a child all by your lonesome.
> 
> He is surrendering. Showing you his colors, and will likely be regrouping. I hope he isn't successful.


the sad part is he will continue to view this as my fault. he'll never grow up and realize how he has destroyed us. i just hope he eventually calms down enough to discuss custody & support. i have a stack of papers from my lawyer that my STBX & I need to agree on.

I need a nap.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Are you going to try to prove adultery? (With a key logger, PI, VAR, etc.) Or would that not help you in CA anyway?

From what I've read you should NOT leave the home- it puts you at a disadvantage.

Your H's response reminds me so much of how mine has acted. Who knows how they really feel. I barely care anymore. They cannot, will not give us what we need and deserve in a relationship. Good riddance!


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I think CA is a no fault state Pink... I don't think it matters


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

pink_lady said:


> Are you going to try to prove adultery? (With a key logger, PI, VAR, etc.) Or would that not help you in CA anyway?
> 
> From what I've read you should NOT leave the home- it puts you at a disadvantage.
> 
> Your H's response reminds me so much of how mine has acted. Who knows how they really feel. I barely care anymore. They cannot, will not give us what we need and deserve in a relationship. Good riddance!


it doesn't matter in CA. as for now I am not leaving the home but my lawyer said since I cannot afford to keep it and we just bought it a year ago it may be best to just give him the home. 

i just had the scare/nervous tummy of my life. I came downstairs a few moments ago & my STBX was just leaving. I guess he came early to get his stuff. He said nothing & just left as soon as he saw me. He looks angry still. I wonder if he stayed at the OW's home last night...she's right down the street. Her husband (since they all claim to be friends) probably let him take the couch.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

MRB said:


> it doesn't matter in CA. as for now I am not leaving the home but my lawyer said since I cannot afford to keep it and we just bought it a year ago it may be best to just give him the home.
> 
> i just had the scare/nervous tummy of my life. I came downstairs a few moments ago & my STBX was just leaving. I guess he came early to get his stuff. He said nothing & just left as soon as he saw me. He looks angry still. I wonder if he stayed at the OW's home last night...she's right down the street. Her husband (since they all claim to be friends) probably let him take the couch.


Stay sharpe and calm. He cannot hurt you and if he tries then you pick up the phone and 911 it. If your H becomes abusive will his new found friends husband be happy to have the police turn up at another officers dooor?? I doubt it.

Keep things to yourself, If you text him read it twice to be sure there is nothing he can do to use against you, keep your own council, People will ask loads of questions soome enough and because of the circumstances you will be tempted to blurt out everything - just beaware of who you unburden on that way your plans will be kept safe and your H kept guessing. A good lawyer will look at him acting unreasonably and can make a case for that especially as he appear to have not tried to talk to you about the issue and come to some kind of boundry understanding to save the marridge. 

Thus far your doing the right things. Check with your family if you can move in with them on a temp basis if things becaime uncomfortable - That way youll have a contingency


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

Pault said:


> Stay sharpe and calm. He cannot hurt you and if he tries then you pick up the phone and 911 it. If your H becomes abusive will his new found friends husband be happy to have the police turn up at another officers dooor?? I doubt it.
> 
> Keep things to yourself, If you text him read it twice to be sure there is nothing he can do to use against you, keep your own council, People will ask loads of questions soome enough and because of the circumstances you will be tempted to blurt out everything - just beaware of who you unburden on that way your plans will be kept safe and your H kept guessing. A good lawyer will look at him acting unreasonably and can make a case for that especially as he appear to have not tried to talk to you about the issue and come to some kind of boundry understanding to save the marridge.
> 
> Thus far your doing the right things. Check with your family if you can move in with them on a temp basis if things becaime uncomfortable - That way youll have a contingency


no, he's not acting crazy. he just came early to get his things. i wasn't expecting him until tonight but i guess he changed his mind & wanted to get it over with. the only text i received from him after i told him what i did was " I am staying with Josh this week. I will come by tomorrow night to get my things. I am too angry to come home." I did have a moment of weakness & texted him "Why are you so angry. you have wanted this for months?". he ignored my text.

i know he'll also not be in the house next week either as he already had a 5 day conference scheduled for work. 

if i did the right thing in filing why do i feel so horrible? i am absolutely sick to my stomach. i haven't eaten since i found the texts. I mean, I asked him before I filed to stop the "friendship" with this woman & work on our marriage and he flat out refused. I am just so horribly sad! and my kids will be going from a large 4 bedroom/3 bath home back to my families house where we'll be smashed into 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom (for me & the boys I mean). My sister & her 2 kids already live there and have the other spare room since her husband is military and over seas right now. What a mess!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

MRB

*You feel horrible because your husband has shown no real love and in fact he has treated you like an enemy*. From what you wrote he is a selfish punk that chooses to not live up to being a man and does not honor his family. You have given him several opportunities to be a decent person but he has flat reused.

He has forced the issue of suffering for even his own child. DO NOT buy into any guilt, you are a good woman and have tried to save the marriage several times. Yes, you will suffer and so will your children but it is better to get the suffering over with than to let it drag out for years and really tear you all the way down. *At this point I would encourage you to keep your eyes focused completely on doing what is best for you and your children, DO NOT let yourself get soft or compromise for him. *The best chance he has of getting jolted out of his selfishness is for him to hurt and suffer for a good amount of time.

If you concentrate on you and the children and do not let him manipulate you if he sees that his plan with the other woman is not working, then you will be doing what is best for you and your family. If he wants to come back to you tell him that he will have to do what is best for you and the children without asking anything for himself. If he does this for a long time then you can decide what you want to do. If he never does this then you just keep working for you and your children.

Prepare yourself to be tempted to compromise and be tempted to be fooled that he has changed. He will not change in a few moths; he must show change for years. It is easy to fake it for a few months.

This man has no consideration for your or his child’s well being at all. That is because he is a selfish punk. *You are a good woman so do not buy into any guilt or low self esteem crap. *You will be hit with that crap but get help so that you can stop him from treating you like you are a door mat.

You are young and you have family to help you. You have a lot of time to rebuild your life. If you were in your 60s, in bad health, and have no one to help you would be screwed. You are far from that and you can have a much better life in the years to come. Millions of women have done it and so can you.

I would love to kick your husband’s AZZ but that would not help in the long haul. You having a good life with your children will be the greatest outcome. Keep your eyes on the end game!

God bless you my dear!


Blunt


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Well put Mr Blunt. 

On the topic of compromise. Remember, compromising in reconciliation = failed reconciliation. 

I am not talking about admitting your faults, i'm talking about taking him back without him showing the necessary things that show he means it. Yes, it could take months possibly years.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

MRB said:


> my husband is angry. probably didn't think I had the nerve to do it. he sent a text that said he will be staying with a friend all week. frankly I am happy to hear that i don't need to see him for awhile.


he's angry is he? I'm playing the world's smallest violin. It's clearly not an innocent relationship, his refusal to stop texting the woman shows utter contempt for you as his wife. I'm glad you're divorcing him, we'll see how quickly she dumps his sorry ass once the husband finds out

Too angry to come home - what a jackass


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

Dollystanford said:


> he's angry is he? I'm playing the world's smallest violin. It's clearly not an innocent relationship, his refusal to stop texting the woman shows utter contempt for you as his wife. I'm glad you're divorcing him, we'll see how quickly she dumps his sorry ass once the husband finds out
> 
> Too angry to come home - what a jackass


he's not angry anymore. he's just being an a-hole now. he has an attorney that has advised him not to speak to me unless it's about our son.

whatever. i filed the papers this morning and sent copies to my lawyer. i hope he gets served soon.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

Mr Blunt said:


> MRB
> 
> *You feel horrible because your husband has shown no real love and in fact he has treated you like an enemy*. From what you wrote he is a selfish punk that chooses to not live up to being a man and does not honor his family. You have given him several opportunities to be a decent person but he has flat reused.
> 
> ...


thank you so much. i am quite in shock right now. my STBX just announced he has an attorney. i guess i thought - well, I don't know what i thought. i guess i thought he'd only get an attorney if we needed to fight in court. i got one just to help me figure out what to do in the process.

funny how I feel even worse now that i know he has an attorney. as far as me still being young - no, i'm 36. i have 3 kids. i have no job. i have to move back with family. what a catch I am!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MRB said:


> What a catch I am!



MRB: Over the due course of time, you will be "the catch!" Trust me! Just continue to look after the welfare of those kids, first and foremost. And make sure that if you haven't yet filed~ that you do it pronto! And get a piranha for an attorney!

BTW, does your STBXH do FB? Because if he does, I'd bet the farm that he has a compendium of chats in there with the OW. 

Judging from your thread, I'd wager that this new relationship of his has fastly already progressed from EA to PA! 

Take him to the cleaners, dear!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> MRB: Over the due course of time, you will be "the catch!" Trust me! Just continue to look after the welfare of those kids, first and foremost. And make sure that if you haven't yet filed~ that you do it pronto! And get a piranha for an attorney!
> 
> BTW, does your STBXH do FB? Because if he does, I'd bet the farm that he has a compendium of chats in there with the OW.
> 
> ...


:iagree: with Arb......don't knock yourself, faithfulness and honesty are traits that mature men want in a woman. Mature respectful men, not like your H. 

I know it's hard, but don't waste much time morning him. He's not worth your caring.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> MRB: Over the due course of time, you will be "the catch!" Trust me! Just continue to look after the welfare of those kids, first and foremost. And make sure that if you haven't yet filed~ that you do it pronto! And get a piranha for an attorney!
> 
> BTW, does your STBXH do FB? Because if he does, I'd bet the farm that he has a compendium of chats in there with the OW.
> 
> ...


He doesn't have FB that I'm aware of. I went and filed this morning at the courthouse. I cannot afford a great attorney. I am really screwed right now. I will exhaust the money i do have but that is not much at all.

I am going through on-line bank records & such today & cell records. OMG. He sent flowers to somebody on 2/8 - NOT ME. He also, get this!!!, he also has hotel reservations for April 1 - 4th that he paid with with OUR bank account! He was supposed to go away to a conference that week hours away! OMFG I am simply friggin - i dunno, laughing really. i am stunned and laughing! what a scumbag. i also just called the flower shop & they gave me the woman's name. she's in another state so it's an online affair.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MRB said:


> He doesn't have FB that I'm aware of. I went and filed this morning at the courthouse. I cannot afford a great attorney. I am really screwed right now. I will exhaust the money i do have but that is not much at all.
> 
> I am going through on-line bank records & such today & cell records. OMG. He sent flowers to somebody on 2/8 - NOT ME. He also, get this!!!, he also has hotel reservations for April 1 - 4th that he paid with with OUR bank account! He was supposed to go away to a conference that week hours away! OMFG I am simply friggin - i dunno, laughing really. i am stunned and laughing! what a scumbag. i also just called the flower shop & they gave me the woman's name. she's in another state so it's an online affair.


Get an attorney who will willingly let you do a lot of the fact-digging and research, thereby saving you a lot of money. Trust me, they'll do that for you to keep your costs lower. I know that mine has!

What state are you in? You'll likely stand to be able to get a fair amount of alimony, in addition to some decent child support; contingent of course, upon his annual salary and the health benefits that his company provides.

Actually, as I see it now, you won't really need that "piranha" lawyer that I had referred to earlier; I seem to think that a "goldfish" will do nicely!


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> Get an attorney who will willingly let you do a lot of the fact-digging and research, thereby saving you a lot of money. Trust me, they'll do that for you to keep your costs lower. I know that mine has!
> 
> What state are you in? You'll likely stand to be able to get a fair amount of alimony, in addition to some decent child support; contingent of course, upon his annual salary and the health benefits that his company provides.
> 
> Actually, as I see it now, you won't really need that "piranha" lawyer that I had referred to earlier; I seem to think that a "goldfish" will do nicely!


wow. it just got better. he left his jacket on our bed this morning when he stopped by. I was out of the house at the time so i didn't see the jacket until later. i opened the pockets. in one - his wedding ring. in the other - 2 condoms.
now he is just trying to hurt me as much as possible. and since CA is a no-fault state he can do whatever he wants & it won't matter.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Bt MRB
> thank you so much. i am quite in shock right now. my STBX just announced he has an attorney. i guess i thought - well, I don't know what i thought. i guess i thought he'd only get an attorney if we needed to fight in court. i got one just to help me figure out what to do in the process.
> 
> funny how I feel even worse now that i know he has an attorney. as far as me still being young - no, i'm 36. i have 3 kids. i have no job. i have to move back with family. what a catch I am!




For a teenager or a person in their early 20 you are old. However, you have not even got to the halfway point in your life. You are not old. You know when you are old? You are old when you have nothing to love and nothing loves you. *Your children love you and you love your children. You have a good 40-50 years left.*

Frankly, when you get back on your feet you do not need a man. I know that in the Cinderella world it would be very nice to have a man that treats you like a queen and takes cares of most of your needs. Life is a lot about playing the odds. The odds of getting a man like that are very low for anyone of any age.

Here is the bottom line:
Because of your punk-AZZ husband you are going to have it rough for a while. You need to get into the work world and get the financial issue so that you do not have to depend any person. That will take a while. You are down because your husband has treated you like an enemy and that will afffect your whole being for a while. For now concentrate on building up your self esteem and confidence and get a plan for money.

*Get around people that will build you up; people like your family, friends, a good church, etc. make a plan to get yourself a profession that you a can support yourself and your children*. DO NOT concentrate on how shyty your husband has treated you. You are in shock because you are a good person and you would not treat anyone like your husband is treating you. MIND over Matter for now. *Make yourself do it!*


Get yourself in position that you are very contented with yourself. When you are self reliant then watch the men be drawn to you like a magnet. The secret is for you to get yourself in a position that you can live with a man or WITHOUT a man. My grandmother was younger than you when her husband left her with 5 children. She had no trade and did not even speak the English language. It was rough on my little 4 foot-8 inch granny but she got herself so that she did not need anyone but God. Grandpa tried to come back but she did not give him the time of the day. She lived to be 90 and was the most grateful, happy, joyful, contented woman I have ever known.

*Be an aggressive persistent person in getting every resource available to help you.* In the end you will be much happier that you have been forced to be self reliant. Self reliant people attract mates and have a lot more choices and do not have to compromise as much as a person that is less reliant. Get as free from your husband as you can and know that California is pretty good about making the husband pay for his children. *Make sure that you get legal papers so that your husband will have to finally start to be a man and pay for his children; no compromise!.* He is in for a very ride awakening. Your husband is in a very high selfish mode so do not expect anything from him except him being all about him or he will try to be very manipulative. He will wind up with a relationship with two cheaters and losing half of his income. Sooner or later justice for him will be served; you need to concentrate on you and your children; that is an investment that will pay you well for your whole life. You will be a parent that your children will be proud of.

*If you do not concentrate on only you and your children you will wind up compromising and being dependant on someone else.*


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

Im in a similar situation..totally dependant on a walk away husband that cheats. WE have an adopted child..but Im totally dependent on him financially


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

MRB said:


> He doesn't have FB that I'm aware of. I went and filed this morning at the courthouse. I cannot afford a great attorney. I am really screwed right now. I will exhaust the money i do have but that is not much at all.
> 
> I am going through on-line bank records & such today & cell records. OMG. He sent flowers to somebody on 2/8 - NOT ME. He also, get this!!!, he also has hotel reservations for April 1 - 4th that he paid with with OUR bank account! He was supposed to go away to a conference that week hours away! OMFG I am simply friggin - i dunno, laughing really. i am stunned and laughing! what a scumbag. *i also just called the flower shop & they gave me the woman's name. she's in another state so it's an online affair.*


What? I though you said it was with your neighbour who lived 7 houses down? Who you were going to meet for lunch?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> *You are not old. You know when you are old? You are old when you have nothing to love and nothing loves you. Your children love you and you love your children. You have a good 40-50 years left.*


No truer words were ever spoken! As Mr. B has so ardently pointed out, "age is strictly an internal mindset." You are only as old as you believe that you are~ Hell, I'm 60 and I don't consider myself anywhere near the scrapheap of life.

Despite some minor natural aging characteristics, I've got two sons whom I totally adore, totally gifts from the Heavenly Father. I anxiously await their growing into young men and having kids of their own that "Grandpa" can stay young and in shape by chasing them around and having them chase me!

And despite the infidelity brought into my marriage by my STBXW, I certainly won't be jaded enough against women or of the institution of marriage enough to swear vengeance against either. 

Despite life's little disappointments and setbacks, there is just way too much love in my heart for God, for family, for my sons, and my friends. Certainly there is still enough space in there somewhere for a woman that I might come to love and cherish, knowing that at the very same time, that she loves me just as much!


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

MRB

I know this may not matter to you at this point, but please do not take your husband's word that the OM knows. Remember, your husband is a cheater. I may sound like a broken record from other messages I left elsewhere on TAM, but right now Mr. Highway Patrol (OM) does not know!! You were told that he knows just to take the pressure off and to have you believe it, would prevent you from interfering. Again, he likely doesn't know. What is probably happening behind the scenes now, is that your husband told OW that he is divorcing and now its time for them to run off together. OW (a cake eater), is now really scared that her husband will find out.

Most people on this site (including myself) had much more logistical challenges in trying to get the proof to the other person. Geez, yours is just 7 houses down. When Mr. Highway Patrol finds out your husband is boinking his wife, all hell will break loose and your husband will be running for cover. Enjoy it.


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## MRB (Sep 4, 2010)

Lyris said:


> What? I though you said it was with your neighbour who lived 7 houses down? Who you were going to meet for lunch?


when i started snooping i found more & more!!!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: 125 secret texts in 4 days*



MRB said:


> when i started snooping i found more & more!!!


 ?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Arbitrator
> Despite life's little disappointments and setbacks, there is just way too much love in my heart for God, for family, for my sons, and my friends. Certainly there is still enough space in there somewhere for a woman that I might come to love and cherish, knowing that at the very same time, that she loves me just as much!


Now there is a 60 year old man that is going to be 29 years of age on his next birthday! Note his young attitude and optimistic outlook!!!


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