# New to the place seeking help.



## Coocoo1

Hello, I am new here looking for some advice as well as support. I am very confused right now and scared. Thanks for welcoming me to our community.


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## Oldtimer

Welcome coo coo, tell us a little about your situation.


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## sunsetmist

Advice, support....confused, scared! Glad you found TAM.


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## Coocoo1

Thank you!

I have been having a hard time with my marriage. It all started about 4 month ago. We argued so much that I kept on feeling alone. Then I found out my H had purchased a Hotel without letting me know. I found out about this a month later in December. I confronted him about it and he just said it was for tax purposes. His a tattoo artist and receives a 1099. He wouldn't give me a name and would tell me it didn't concern me. I asked him for divorce two weeks after arguing about this that whole time. I had the papers filled out and handed them to him. He instantly came out and told me why it was he bought it. He said he bought the hotel for a client that was staying in town that had cash to pay with and not a credit card. So he put it on his card while the client gave him cash. That day we had a heart to heart talk. Or at least that's what I thought. So I decided to think about twice divorcing him. In the end I gave him another chance, even though deep down I felt as though he was lying. During that time I found professional help and sought out a counselor to help me with my emotional/mental health, as I have been for months having nightmares about him cheating on me. 

Two days ago, after a month of counseling and working on my marriage, searching online on how to build a stronger foundation, I asked to borrow the extra phone we recently got so that I can use the screen for signing online documents as my phones screen is broken. He was signed into his gmail and I went through it. The second email on that phone was an app called Baboo a chat/dating app. I looked through it and just a few days after we had, had that heart to heart talk that I though had helped us, he was flirting and asking multiple women to go on dates with him. Calling them all sweet names and sending them hearts etc. I was extremely sad and hurt and had a melt down. I put so much effort into trying to work on my marriage while he was throwing it to the side. That same day that I found out about it I confronted him. I asked him to let me see his phone without questioning me for what, and trusting me. My hope was that if he did, then he would have deleted that app and had nothing to fear. As soon as I reached for his phone he got defensive and blocked me from getting it first. He kept on questioning me in regards to why I needed to see his phone. In the end he was well aware of what I was talking about. I left without seeing his phone. I told him I never wanted to see him again and I was never coming back.


I'm sorry it's very long. To me it seems straightforward that I need to take my leave, get a divorce and move on with my life. However I love him so much and hate him as well. I don't really know what to do. My brain is made up and my heart keeps tugging me back. As of that day I took all my clothes and left the house. I have a step daughter that is 11, I've been in her life since she was 8. She is going through so much with her mom cheating on her boyfriend that my husband and I getting a Divorce is going mess her even more. 

So I don't know what to do. I've been reading that it is possible to love and trust after an infidelity has occurred but I don't even know if that's what I want. Although I don't have physical prove that he may have had sex with someone the day he bought the hotel, I have prove of the messages he exchanged with those women on the App. If his capable of texting someone else and asking them out on dates I feel as though he would have no problem going and being unfaithful to me sexually.

I feel very alone, it's a lot to take in.


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## Coocoo1

Thank you, from all the forums I've read I feel much better and not alone.


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## arbitrator

*Advice given on your other thread! 

Welcome to the TAM Family!*


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## MattMatt

Divorce is a good option.

However the hotel might need to be sold and the assets shared jointly.

Your lawyer can tell you if this is the case.


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## Coocoo1

MattMatt said:


> Divorce is a good option.
> 
> However the hotel might need to be sold and the assets shared jointly.
> 
> Your lawyer can tell you if this is the case.


I didn't mean we own a hotel.. Just that he bought a client of his a night at a hotel. We don't have much things jointly so the Divorce shouldn't take long.


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## MattMatt

Coocoo1 said:


> I didn't mean we own a hotel.. Just that he bought a client of his a night at a hotel. We don't have much things jointly so the Divorce shouldn't take long.


Sorry. He booked a hotel room. Got it.

But it wasn't for him it was for a "friend."

Yeah, right. Of course it was.


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## ttimmy95

While every situation is different........my advice comes from a position of experience. Maybe your husband is not like me....but here we go:

I, a male, was long a habitual cheater. My wife was aware of some of my indiscretions, and tried tirelessly to talk to me about it and salvage the relationship. We even went to joint marriage counseling for a long time.....none of it worked. I continued to have affairs/lie/etc.

The one and only thing that opened my eyes was catching my wife in an affair. Being on the other side of it was the most painful time of my life, and only then could I truly understand the heartache and pain that I had long caused my wife. While I wanted to work on the relationship at that point, my wife had completely shut down and asked for a divorce. Too late to salvage.

As much as I wished I was a better husband sooner, I also know that the ONLY way I was able to recognize that I wanted to change was through the above. I will be better in my next relationship.

Not proud of the above at all, but maybe you will find it helpful in understanding your husband.


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## She'sStillGotIt

ttimmy95 said:


> I, a male, was long a habitual cheater. My wife was aware of some of my indiscretions, and tried tirelessly to talk to me about it and salvage the relationship. We even went to joint marriage counseling for a long time.....none of it worked. I continued to have affairs/lie/etc.


Of course it didn't work. 

Therapy *isn't* the magic cure for everything even though so many think it is. 

It's not.


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## Coocoo1

ttimmy95 said:


> maybe you will find it helpful in understanding your husband.



I have tried to understand it. I try and give him the benefit of the doubt but he blames me now. That I was the cause of it. That me asking him for divorce led him to this. Not trying to make you feel bad I just know that I don't think he will ever change. One minute his texting me that he loves and and will do anything to salvage what is broken, the next he tells me I am to blame for all his heartaches and feeling of isolation. I've been told I'm to kind hearted and naive. I don't even want to trust anyone with anything right now, specially men.


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## ttimmy95

Coocoo1 said:


> I have tried to understand it. I try and give him the benefit of the doubt but he blames me now. That I was the cause of it. That me asking him for divorce led him to this. Not trying to make you feel bad I just know that I don't think he will ever change. One minute his texting me that he loves and and will do anything to salvage what is broken, the next he tells me I am to blame for all his heartaches and feeling of isolation. I've been told I'm to kind hearted and naive. I don't even want to trust anyone with anything right now, specially men.


Have you heard of the term "gaslighting"? Look it up. Essentially, a tactic used by cheaters to gain control and shift blame.


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## ttimmy95

I am sorry that you are going through this. I truly hope that you can somehow work it out with your husband.

That said, one thing I have recognized is that very few of the "infidelity" situations posted on this board are unique. The process is usually the same:

1. Unfaithful spouse gets caught in affair/affairs?
2. Unfaithful spouse shifts blame to other faithful spouse
3. Faithful spouse becomes confused as to what they should do....start to question if there is legitimacy to the unfaithful spouses claims.

I am not trying to be negative. Again, I hope you and your husband can somehow work through this. At the same time, and this is coming from personal experience as a cheater, unless your husband is internally ready to change/accept blame, they will not. Furthermore, even if they do stop cheating immediately, the road will still be rocky as damage has already been done. Although things may get patched back together temporarily, you will always have resentment (as you should) about how you have been treated during this time. This WILL cause issues later.

The difficult part about the above is, however, how do you know if your husband is truly ready to change? Unfortunately, there is no good answer to that question. Cheaters are often master manipulators, which makes it difficult to decipher honesty from planned manipulation. The question really should be.......how much of your time/life are you willing to risk in hopes that your spouse is truly ready to change? There is a VERY good chance that your hope could drag for a couple more years, only for you to find it doesn't work out anyway. Are you ready to risk that?

Regardless as to what you decide to do, consider the following. Some of the best advice I ever got was that "There is no RIGHT answer in these situations". You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what the RIGHT thing to do is. Reality is that there is no RIGHT thing. Take the information, make the best decision you feel you can, and be prepared to live with it knowing that you made the best decision you could at the time. Regardless of the outcome, that mindset will give you some peace.


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## notmyjamie

Welcome to TAM, sorry your here under these circumstances. I'm sure all your husband's cheating is absolutely your fault...I mean, you opened that account for him to flirt with other women, right? You are the one who actually booked that hotel room, right? He's full of **** and don't let him confuse you. Even if you were having problems in your marriage, HE is still the one who made the choice to cheat. Problems in a marriage mean you have to work things out, sometimes with therapy. It doesn't give a person license to cheat. Please don't let him make you believe this is all your fault because it isn't.


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## Coocoo1

ttimmy95 said:


> Regardless as to what you decide to do, consider the following. Some of the best advice I ever got was that "There is no RIGHT answer in these situations". You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what the RIGHT thing to do is. Reality is that there is no RIGHT thing. Take the information, make the best decision you feel you can, and be prepared to live with it knowing that you made the best decision you could at the time. Regardless of the outcome, that mindset will give you some peace.


That is how I feel right now like there is no right answer. Thank you.



notmyjamie said:


> in a marriage mean you have to work things out, sometimes with therapy. It doesn't give a person license to cheat. Please don't let him make you believe this is all your fault because it isn't.


He isn't I've set my mind up for that at least. I now feel more confident to stand and put a halt to his BS in telling me I was at fault. Since all this just happened three days ago on Thursday it all feels so sudden, painful, and confusing just because I always try and see the better in a person, but with this, all I can see is hatred inside me for all I have put into the relationship and what I received back. I've slept maybe 2 - 3 hours these past few nights. It's draining. :crying:


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## Adelais

Coocoo1 said:


> I have tried to understand it. I try and give him the benefit of the doubt but *he blames me now. That I was the cause of it. That me asking him for divorce led him to this*. Not trying to make you feel bad I just know that I don't think he will ever change. One minute his texting me that he loves and and will do anything to salvage what is broken, the next he tells me I am to blame for all his heartaches and feeling of isolation. I've been told I'm to kind hearted and naive. I don't even want to trust anyone with anything right now, specially men.


That, Coocoo1 is called "blameshifting." It is a tactic some hardened cheaters use to deflect the blame from themselves.

Don't listen to his blaming, nor his sweet words of love and missing you. Neither are true. A man who loves his wife does not have flirty chats with other women, nor does he sleep with another woman at a hotel.

Your husband is a classic serial cheater. Now that you have his number, he will do anything to try to regain his control and secrecy in order to keep on having affairs, whether one night stands or long term affairs.

"Gaslighting" is another term that you have to learn. Cheaters use this technique to try to convince you that what you see, what you know, what you hear are not true, but whatever they tell you is true is true. The term originated from a movie by the same name, if you want to research it for better understanding.

Proceed with the divorce. Your husband may repent when he realizes that you mean business, or he may just keep on cheating.

Above all, trust yourself, not him.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is painful and life changing.


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## Adelais

double post


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## sunsetmist

Coocoo1 said:


> That is how I feel right now like there is no right answer. Thank you.
> 
> He isn't I've set my mind up for that at least. I now feel more confident to stand and put a halt to his BS in telling me I was at fault. Since all this just happened three days ago on Thursday it all feels so sudden, painful, and confusing just because I always try and see the better in a person, but with this, all I can see is hatred inside me for all I have put into the relationship and what I received back. I've slept maybe 2 - 3 hours these past few nights. It's draining. :crying:


You have been given excellent advice. Did he also cheat in his first marriage/relationship? 

It is so sad that he has no respect for you. Kind-hearted and naive need to listen to your brain and not hide in your heart. He is likely laughing at you behind your back. Be checked for STDs.

Stay if you want marriage with a liar and serial cheater. Leave if you want something else. Of course you don't trust him--why would you. Who wants to spend their life being the husband police?


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## Adelais

Don't have a weak moment and have sex with him because he is going to give you STDs if he hasn't already. Like sunsetmist said, get tested ASAP.

Whenever you yearn for closeness (with him) think of him as a leper who could give you a disease.


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## Coocoo1

Thank you all for the support and different point of views as well as new terminology that I didn’t even know about. 

From what he has told me, he was in a long term relationship with my step daughters mom for about 6 years all in that time he said she cheated on him and so he did the same. Then after her his had other relationships. Every one of them he said the women cheated on him. In the end he tells me he has trust issues and blames me fhat I am a cheater. Which to me makes me question all that his told me in the past about his relationship.


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