# Compare your EX with NEW LOVER



## tulsy

I was trying to get over my ex-wife, but I was still in love with her, or who I thought/wanted her to be...sometimes you gotta focus on the negative things (cons over pros)...in my case that helped me get past her (basically, all the reasons NOT to be with someone).

Later, I decided to start one about my new lover. I chose the opposite approach (pros over cons), since I actually want this to work. But most importantly, I was HONEST about both lists of qualities. 

I did this a while ago, and still refer to it from time to time, even adding to it here and there...it helps remind me of why I'm no longer with my ex. It also helps me appreciate the one I'm with now. 

Somethings may seem mean, but they are truthful and may be undesirable to many people. It can be much easier to point out fault in someone than good things. 

Try it out:

*THE EX*

-lazy
-over weight
-dirty
-not caring
-mean
-not loving
-not sexual
-shes a user
-jealous
-selfish
-bad mother
-bad friend
-bad wife
-stole all my money
-tried to cheat behind my back
-didn't think about me
-didn't care about my feelings
-put herself first
-always tired
-never satisfied
-talked bad about me
-taker, not giver
-very controlling, but blamed me for being controlling
-cat eater
-rude
-not lady like
-not super attractive
-tried to bring me down
-didn't like any of my friends
-didn't work, blamed it on me
-hypocrite...bashed me for smoking, them started twice in my life
-hypocrite...didn't like me drinking but started after we broke up
-didn't like the any of the same things
-mother's a know-it-all C*n* who treats her husband like ****
-dad's a p*s*y who takes it like a b*t*h
-always promises change, never changes anything ever
-takes credit for everything, did absolutely nothing (like all my earnings)
-took credit for anything good i ever did, but did nothing herself
-told me she was the reason I have any success, that I wouldn't have amounted to anything without her, but did nothing during our relationship and still took credit
-sense of entitlement with regards to money earned in the marriage and my money before the marriage
-told me i was the biggest baby when I was sick, but i rarely ever got sick - when i got sick i really needed her help taking care of me. she was sick often because she was lethargic, but somehow that was alright
-Lack of ability to empathize and fantastic ability to compartmentalize

*NEW LOVER*

-nice
-caring
-realistic
-atheist
-intelligent
-open minded
-good looking
-decent job
-like to travel
-like to exercise
-actually does exercise
-eat healthy
-tries new things
-up for just about anything
-fun
-funny
-laid back
-loving
-warm/cuddly
-clean
-ambitious
-goal orientated
-saves for future
-submissive
-not feminist
-not accepting of shovenist either
-good person
-thoughtful
-sexy
-sexual
-compatible
-social
-optimistic
-happy
-affectionate
-smiles
-good kisser
-good in bed
-tries to please
-likes to be pleased
-not cheap
-not frugal


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## Lon

So basically, come up with a list of the worst qualities you can think of then attribute them to the ex... and take that list and flip it and apply it to the current partner?

If it convinces you I guess... 

As for me, when I get in a new relationship the last thing I want is to be compared to her ex in any way, good points or bad points, cause it means she is not over her ex yet. I would think I'd like to extend that respect to any new partner I may be getting to know, I wouldn't want to let myself get distracted by my own inaccurate biases.


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## arbitrator

I will keep my next relationship totally separate from this horrendous one that will be coming to an end in the very near future. 

So I would choose to love any new love interest moreso for her own self, much rather than by making gross comparisons based on prior relationships!


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## Dollystanford

I don't make comparisons, never have done
It's a pointless exercise - I'm over the ex, he rarely enters my thoughts


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## ScarletBegonias

The fact that you need to compare tells me you aren't ready to be in a new relationship.


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## Pbartender

Yeah, Tulsy... the others have the right of it. You are dwelling on the bad of your ex, and you're wallowing in the false honeymoon perfection of your new crush.

It's unfair comparison. You are already divorced, but for many of us, it's this sort of comparison that lured our spouses into emotional (and physical!) affairs, and this sort of comparison that eventually destroyed our marriages.

_"See things for what they are... ...Things and people are not what we wish them to be nor what they seem to be. They are what they are."_ *- Epictetus*



Pb.


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## COguy

I compare in the sense that I say, "So and so really bothered me during the marriage, I don't want to be with someone that <xyz>"

For me that list includes:

1. someone that doesn't enjoy kissing
2. tries to isolate me from friends and family
3. lacks work ethic
4. Has poor boundaries
5. doesn't communicate feelings properly

It's more of a red flag list than anything.

I think it's only natural to think "oh so and so did that" when you've been married a long time, I mean almost a 1/3 of my life was spent with one person so I can't see getting out of doing some comparisons, but I don't think it should form the basis of any opinion on someone unless it helps you sort out the non-negotiables.


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## vi_bride04

NO - will not compare. There is no reason to. Like someone else said, you are only setting yourself up for failure. People are so entirely different from each other...so why do that?

And its REALLY easy to see the negative in someone who hurt you and the positive in someone who may not have yet.


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## SadSamIAm

Your list is more about old vs new than about two different people.

New relationships can be better because they are NEW. I am sure many of the things you are saying about your new relationship would have applied to your ex when you first met her.

The secret is in learning about the person you are with. Are you compatible? Will most of these great things about your relationship continue or are they just as a result of the relationship being NEW? 

Forget about the ex.


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## hookares

Everybody you date looks good until you really get to know them. This isn't to say that everybody is harboring bad qualities, but it's obvious that we all aren't meant for "each other".


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## Twofaces

tulsy said:


> I was trying to get over my ex-wife, but I was still in love with her, or who I thought/wanted her to be...sometimes you gotta focus on the negative things (cons over pros)...in my case that helped me get past her (basically, all the reasons NOT to be with someone).
> 
> Later, I decided to start one about my new lover. I chose the opposite approach (pros over cons), since I actually want this to work. But most importantly, I was HONEST about both lists of qualities.
> 
> I did this a while ago, and still refer to it from time to time, even adding to it here and there...it helps remind me of why I'm no longer with my ex. It also helps me appreciate the one I'm with now.
> 
> Somethings may seem mean, but they are truthful and may be undesirable to many people. It can be much easier to point out fault in someone than good things.
> 
> Try it out:
> 
> 
> -cat eater







Well, that Should have clued you in while dating, that the woman ate cats.......

:rofl:


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## Bafuna

When (If) I meet someone new I'll definitely compare them to my STBXH, there is no running away from that, i'll be looking out for certain qualities that I think contributed to the demise of our marriage, so yea, once bitten twice shy.

What I dont think is, my list will be so clear cut ie. ex- all bad, new-all good. In a perfect world yes, in real life ??? Seems like you want to see it that way.................but is it, really?


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## Lazarus

How long were you with your ex 
and
How long with your new partner?

Are you over your ex if you are comparing lists with the new one?

Selfish people are not good partners. If you are a giver, find a giver and avoid all the bad traits of a selfish person. 

Cheaters are selfish. They are users and abusers. 

If a cheater is nice and charming, fun and friendly it is because behind the sugar almond coating is usually hiding a dark selfish side which is intrisincally, "Self" before "Others."

Keep your lists and compare 15 years later and see if the list about your new 'bow' still stands true.


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## Freak On a Leash

The best thing about any new lover I may have is that he's not my Ex. :smthumbup:


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## Holland

TBH OP your ex list is just full of plain nasty stuff. Really if you were in love with a woman that bad then maybe you need to do some introspection before getting too serious again.

I don't compare my ex with my SO but I do notice the many similarities. Both good men, great fathers, honest, hardworking, kind men.

What I can see now is that SO has the qualities that I need in a man that the ex does not have. These are qualities that I did not understand before but I have grown as a woman and now I know myself better I know what I must have.

This is not to put down my ex, we are friends, I still care about him very much, we will always co parent together. But we were not a good match, we did not complete each other. It is not his fault that I did not know that all those years ago.


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## Lon

My ex:

-sparkly, bubbly, sweet and pretty enough that I fell in love with her, married her and started a family with her

My future GF:

-incredibly amazing, talented, kind, beautiful, sweet, intelligent, patient, mature, kinky, and generous


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## brendan

cant really see a problem with comparing???

ill try off the top of my head,

with ex for 6 years. with new GF for 3 months.


ex
. overwight
. terrible diet
. moody
. hard to get a long with people
. online 3 hrs a day social networking
. watches tv 3 or 4 hours a day
. no sex

new

. kind
. gets a long with people
. smarter
. doesnt waste money
. loves sex with me
. good diet
. good body
. funny
. like outdoors



a tad opposite, but i know so many who go opposite after seperation. not that i did, but more and more i get to know her she is. still get a long ok with ex as freinds

.


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## Freak On a Leash

brendan said:


> with ex for 6 years. with new GF for 3 months.
> 
> ex
> . overwight
> . terrible diet
> . moody
> . hard to get a long with people
> . online 3 hrs a day social networking
> . watches tv 3 or 4 hours a day
> . no sex


So was your Ex like this after 3 months? 

It usually starts out good but in the end.....


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## lee101981

I think we will all do this to a point maybe not with pen and paper. We all want something different then what we had..


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## ScarletBegonias

Lon said:


> My ex:
> 
> -sparkly, bubbly, sweet and pretty enough that I fell in love with her, married her and started a family with her
> 
> My future GF:
> 
> -incredibly amazing, talented, kind, beautiful, sweet, intelligent, patient, mature, kinky, and generous


this makes me  Great post,Lon


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