# New Here!



## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Hello, I am a 40 year old women from Indiana, who has been remarried a year now. I really just need support. My husband is a very attractive, very successful businesses man. He has a past history of drinking issues, which I knew about when we were married. He is currently on a buisness trip overseas and it was his last night with his team from around the world. He called me after midnight there, and I could tell he was completely drunk. We started talking and I did ask where he went to dinner and with whom. This lead to twenty minutes of him yelling at me and calling me a jerk. After a few minutes I recorded the conversation because tomorrow he won't have a clue. After about 15 minutes, I called him back and the name calling continued. Should I just ignore it, or say something? If I treated him that way, he'd be fuming! He always says, and continues to say if I made hundreds of thousands of dollars, he wouldn't care of I was out all night, drunk with men. I find this insulting and bs, he'd be furious if I was out drunk. I'm just drained and don't know what to do. Thanks


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Uh I would not put up with that at all, you need to make sure he listens to that recording so he can hear how he spoke to you.
I would let him know it is not acceptable, and that you will not tolerate being treated like crap because he is drunk.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Never engage a drunk. Save the recording and play it for him when he returns (only when he's sober and not drinking). Read up on alcoholism and co-dependency. How much money makes, how handsome he is, etc doesn't give him a green light to be a drunk. It doesn't give him the right to be abusive. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Wow, thank you so much for the quick response. Similar things have happened before, and he will just he's sorry and do I want to move on or not. If I do something wrong, he stays mad for hours. He will be mad I recorded it. I recorded him one other time in our home when he was drunk after the Super Bowl and yelled at me for no reason at all. He never listened to it, but mentions it when he becomes hostile. The vast majority of the time my husband is great, but when he is drinking he becomes a different person. I am wrong to feel slightly uneasy about him being across the world drunk at a bar with men and women?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

.


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Thank you for your time  This will probably sound ridiculous, but my undergraduate degree is in fact in addition counseling. I rarely drink, and studied it because my maternal grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. I never knew him, but I decided I wanted to study it. It is totally different being in a situation personally, and my husband would balk at the idea of him raising his voice and calling me a fing jerk continuously was abuse. Is it? I constantly feel like I am the one who is in the wrong. It's insane actually, isn't it? I'm completely embarrassed


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

What you are describing I can completely identify with. I can empathize with what you are going through. And, I definitely believe it to be verbal abuse. Alcoholics make excuses for their behavior and find ways to validate their drinking. I have found they will even do this while sober....and, after apologizing. It's really up to you as to how you want to deal with it. I would never try to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do, but I wanted you to know someone else understands what you are going through. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Andy, 

Hello, I'm a bit confused about your reply? I never stated anything about moving on or moving out? I'm new to this and not sure what I am doing, so maybe you are responding to something I don't see?


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

I really appreciate that, and it is nice in a way to know I am not alone. My husband almost didn't date me because of my degree. He and his ex wife were heavy drinkers, there marriage consisted of being with the same group and getting drunk all of the time. I am a complete opposite of his ex, who is loud and has to be the center of attention. I'm an introvert, and I rarely drink. I've often wondered how my husband could go from that life to ours. He does much better on the drinking, but has incidents like tonight now and again. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Is there any way I can help you? I am new to here, and still figuring out how this works


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You really have no control over what he does. If you're staying in this, you have to shift your focus on to yourself. I'm surprised that you married him knowing his past and that he is an active drinker. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

iH,
We train our spouse how to treat us. You are training him to know you will tolerate being yelled at and talked down to.
You need to explain to your husband that you aren't tolerating his behavior and will move out if necessary. Then do it. 
Don't tolerate it and it won't happen if he really loves you.
I know it's hard when you have a SO that is both attractive and successful. You probably worry you won't find another personas successful and attractive as him. If you allow that fear to control you, you will be a victim of his terrible behavior. You just have to do it. Pull the trigger. Show him how serious you are about not being yelled and cursed at and told he can do whatever he wants. 
If he doesn't care enough to change that, you will be miserable with him.


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Training my husband how he treats me? That seems a little extreme to me. So does moving out. The majority of the time, my husband is good. It is every now and again when he has been drinking that he is not very nice. I really haven't worried about not finding anyone else, I'm very firm on my commitment to my marriage. It's just dealing with someone who drinks is hard on me. I'm sorry, but I really needed support. Is calling me a fing jerk over and over on the phone abusive? Or was I in the wrong for asking him where he had been, and who he had been with, since he was obviously drunk. Am I overreacting to my husband being on a buisness trip out late drunk with his team that works for him? I honestly don't know


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Indianahoosier said:


> Hello, I am a 40 year old women from Indiana, who has been remarried a year now. I really just need support. My husband is a very attractive, very successful businesses man. He has a past history of drinking issues, which I knew about when we were married. He is currently on a buisness trip overseas and it was his last night with his team from around the world. He called me after midnight there, and I could tell he was completely drunk. We started talking and I did ask where he went to dinner and with whom. This lead to twenty minutes of him yelling at me and calling me a jerk. After a few minutes I recorded the conversation because tomorrow he won't have a clue. After about 15 minutes, I called him back and the name calling continued. Should I just ignore it, or say something? If I treated him that way, he'd be fuming! He always says, and continues to say if I made hundreds of thousands of dollars, he wouldn't care of I was out all night, drunk with men. I find this insulting and bs, he'd be furious if I was out drunk. I'm just drained and don't know what to do. Thanks


Sounds like your new H is an alcoholic or alcohol dependent. If you allow this treatment of you to continue it will destroy you unless you are a very strong person. I know because I put up with my AH and his emotional abuse and fits of violent behavior when I confronted him for years.

You can never argue with an alcoholic so it is best to avoid conversing with him when he is in that state.
It is good that you recorded him, play it back to him and see what he says. He may need to be confronted with the reality of who he is when drunk. He may be in denial.
You may have a man who will make promises to make things right but keep doing the same thing over and over, it will make you feel helpless because unless the man admits he has a problem there will be no changing, no trying to get help. 
Already you are doubting your response, already he is walking over your boundaries, you will begin to accept more and more crap and expect less and less respect. Read all you can on alcoholism, understand it, read Bottled Up. com website and listen to the videos, having knowledge will help. Join the SoberRecovery.com website, lots of people there in the same position as you, share your story.
I suggest you join Al-Anon to learn how to handle your H also and to get back your peace. If you stay with him you are in for a roller coaster ride unless he gets help. You also have to realise that people who drink like this have less boundaries which can lead to infidelity issues too.


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Aine, thank you! I actually have a degree in addition counseling but dealing it with it personally is a totally different ball game. My husband has admitted that he has an issue he needs to work on. He does much better, but when he drinking at times he can be mean and confrontational. I've voiced my concern that I would think a person who is intoxicated is more likely to cheat, he has said he's not a scum bag and would never. I do think he has a problem drinking, I don't believe he would cheat on me. He's 45, and did tell me in his previous marriage when he was 28 or so he did kiss another women. I appreciated his honesty and we all make mistakes. Do I worry about my husband away from me drinking, I do. Does it make me feel uncomfortable that he goes out on a buisness trip with his team of men and women and gets drunk, I do. What no one has given there insight on is whether it would bother them or not if there spouse stayed out till midnight in a different country and got drunk? Am I overreacting, or should I just trust he'd never do anything? He's never given me a reason to believe he'd cheat, but maybe I'm just insecure regarding the idea of him out late with women who work for him, even though men are there too


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Indianahoosier said:


> Training my husband how he treats me? That seems a little extreme to me. So does moving out. The majority of the time, my husband is good. It is every now and again when he has been drinking that he is not very nice. I really haven't worried about not finding anyone else, I'm very firm on my commitment to my marriage. It's just dealing with someone who drinks is hard on me. I'm sorry, but I really needed support. Is calling me a fing jerk over and over on the phone abusive? Or was I in the wrong for asking him where he had been, and who he had been with, since he was obviously drunk. Am I overreacting to my husband being on a buisness trip out late drunk with his team that works for him? I honestly don't know


Of course you're not wrong to ask him that question. You ar his wife, you are allowed to ask him anything you want. He is your husband and should WANT to make you feel secure when he's away. He called you drunk. Of course that alone would make any normal person worry.
You have to wonder if being called a jerk over and over is wrong? Wow. 
Yes, it's wrong. Every couPle has fights. Lots of couples yell and curse. But, it should be pretty rare that there's name calling in a healthy relationship.

I'm don't think you should look for another man, and am not saying you should divorce at all.
I'm saying you should give a consequence that hits him hard over this clearly bad behavior, or it won't stop and will likely get worse.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Apologies...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Indianahoosier said:


> Andy,
> 
> Hello, I'm a bit confused about your reply? I never stated anything about moving on or moving out? I'm new to this and not sure what I am doing, so maybe you are responding to something I don't see?


My iPad is messed up,sorry


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like a ****. I'd start planning your exit... as in stashing cash and having him put his $$ into assets you can split with him. Take him for all he's worth.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he acts this way again then put the phone down immediately. I cant understand why you rang him back. I dont think its ever appropriate for a married man to hang around in bars when he is away from home, especially when he is getting drunk.The fact that he gets angry when you ask him where he has been and who with is a big red flag. Probably guilt. 

He seems to think that because he earns a lot he can act as he likes doing goodness knows what and you should put up with it. His attitude is terrible. Why did his first marriage end?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Indianahoosier said:


> Aine, thank you! I actually have a degree in addition counseling but dealing it with it personally is a totally different ball game. My husband has admitted that he has an issue he needs to work on. He does much better, but when he drinking at times he can be mean and confrontational. I've voiced my concern that I would think a person who is intoxicated is more likely to cheat, he has said he's not a scum bag and would never. I do think he has a problem drinking, I don't believe he would cheat on me. He's 45, and did tell me in his previous marriage when he was 28 or so he did kiss another women. I appreciated his honesty and we all make mistakes. Do I worry about my husband away from me drinking, I do. Does it make me feel uncomfortable that he goes out on a buisness trip with his team of men and women and gets drunk, I do. What no one has given there insight on is whether it would bother them or not if there spouse stayed out till midnight in a different country and got drunk? Am I overreacting, or should I just trust he'd never do anything? He's never given me a reason to believe he'd cheat, but maybe I'm just insecure regarding the idea of him out late with women who work for him, even though men are there too


No you are not overreacting at all. Hanging around in bars with other women and getting drunk are massively dangerous things to do. I have heard that affairs happening on work trips away are rife.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hes a great guy expcept hes an angry drunk!
Hes a really great guy most of the time except hes a rude angry drunk!

Hmm.......... sounds like a great catch!

You can't fix him he needs to want to fix himself. And being a wealthy man traveling to world doing what he wants when he pleases. Yea i don't see him changing.

Start your exit plan


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

Indianahoosier said:


> Hello, I am a 40 year old women from Indiana, who has been remarried a year now. I really just need support. My husband is a very attractive, very successful businesses man. He has a past history of drinking issues, which I knew about when we were married. He is currently on a buisness trip overseas and it was his last night with his team from around the world. He called me after midnight there, and I could tell he was completely drunk. We started talking and I did ask where he went to dinner and with whom. This lead to twenty minutes of him yelling at me and calling me a jerk. After a few minutes I recorded the conversation because tomorrow he won't have a clue. After about 15 minutes, I called him back and the name calling continued. Should I just ignore it, or say something? If I treated him that way, he'd be fuming! He always says, and continues to say if I made hundreds of thousands of dollars, he wouldn't care of I was out all night, drunk with men. I find this insulting and bs, he'd be furious if I was out drunk. I'm just drained and don't know what to do. Thanks


Hi @Indianahoosier

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry you're going through this situation cause I know how tough and challenging it can be. 

I do agree with @Evinrude58 - it's really important here that he recognises the consequences of his behaviour otherwise he will just settle in knowing that he can get away with it. The way he speaks to you whilst drunk is completely unacceptable and does need to be sorted out. 

We get what we tolerate in life. In other words, whatever you set your standards as, you will get.
So if your standard is to have a man who will treat you with respect and love because thats what you deserve, then you will ensure that if he crosses the line, that there are consequences for that action. I'm not saying you have to verbally 'go off' at him, just communicate it in such as way that he knows in no uncertain terms that he needs to shape up. I know how hard this can be but the most important thing here is to ensure that you are treated well and I know women who have used this approach with success and has led to the male partner recognising that they need to shift their behaviour. One thing to add here is that, if he has some serious alcohol addictions (which I can't be sure of), then some professional help will probably be required. 

In short, it is important to address this behaviour and not ignore it. Set your boundaries and ensure that if he crosses them, he is aware of it. 

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Indianahoosier said:


> Training my husband how he treats me? That seems a little extreme to me. So does moving out. The majority of the time, my husband is good. It is every now and again when he has been drinking that he is not very nice. I really haven't worried about not finding anyone else, I'm very firm on my commitment to my marriage. It's just dealing with someone who drinks is hard on me. I'm sorry, but I really needed support. Is calling me a fing jerk over and over on the phone abusive? Or was I in the wrong for asking him where he had been, and who he had been with, since he was obviously drunk. Am I overreacting to my husband being on a buisness trip out late drunk with his team that works for him? I honestly don't know


Just because you're offended doesn't negate the fact that this poster was correct in saying you've pretty much taught your husband how badly he can treat you because you ALLOW it.

You're so busy wearing your rose-colored glasses and talking about how 'wonderful' he is in every other aspect that you're almost willing to overlook this utterly disgusting and disrespectful treatment from him. I said ALMOST. And I say that because there are NO consequences for this **** behavior. The truth is that he's an abusive DRUNK.

And I'd be wondering what he's up to *too*, especially since he's always hating on YOU every time he's out somewhere getting drunk. This situation kind of sounds like the guy who *purposely* causes an argument with his wife so he can storm out of the house in righteous indignant anger but what he was REALLY doing was finding a way to get out of the house to go see his other woman. Maybe your husband is hating on you so he can hang up and justify doing whatever it *is* he does after hanging up on you.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I don't think you are overreacting at all to him getting drunk and calling you names. The bar hopping in and of itself seems to be the norm with work travel but how he conducts himself is key. I might be naive but I know my H does a LOT of sports bar hopping when he travels. He doesn't drink so no opportunity to get drunk but when he is with coworkers that's all they want to do and they love it that they have a designated driver. I don't THINK my H has ever cheated on me but when I ask him about his co workers hooking he has been quite evasive. But he does admit there is questionable behavior when they get drunk. 

I assume that you married him because you thought his alcohol issues were behind him? Are you concerned at all that he may be back on that path? Because if he is you probably have some heartbreaking days ahead of you. Does he admit at all to having a problem with alcohol?


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

My husband just texted me using WiFi on his way back to the states from the UK. I told him I recorded the conversation and what happened. He said he wasn't sorry for going out and having fun with his team, and that when some of them started to get goofy drunk and all wanted to go to a nightclub, he left. I stay at home now, but before I worked in counseling, so there was never any buisness travel. It just seems a bit odd to me. I understand his behavior was not acceptable, but how do I hold him accountable? I can tell him how it made me feel, and play the recording, I doubt he will listen to it though. He will say he's sorry, and he wants to move on and have a good weekend.... 

First of all, I have an idea of who his staff is from around the world and a few people from here. Most our are age, 40's married with kids, only one female I've met once from here is maybe 30ish, married with a young son. Maybe I'm insane, I can see all going out, but the fact that they were quiet frankly it sounds like getting sh## faced drunk in front of their boss and then all wanting to go out to a night club in London on a Thursday night? It's not like they are a bunch of twenty somethings. Is this normal behavior on work trips, to get wasted and going to night clubs? 

My husband I think realized at the end of our texts he probably messed up and he said he's apparently a bad husband. I know he will come home, apologize and not want to talk about it. His drunkenness has caused a few (3) occasions at home this year. Once out with friends, when he got drunk and started talking about how much of a pain I was being pregnant. (I was mortified, I got pregnant with twins on my honeymoon, and then miscarried identical girls which no one knew about, and I suffered severe depression after) they other couple, especially the wife seemed confused as we obviously don't have kids together. We haven't heard from them since. It's that kind of weird drunk behavior he will do, or become mean at times. I'd say in the past year there has been five times, with the first two being very bad when he was drunk.


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Before we were married, he admitted to me that he knew he had an issue with drinking, his father was an alcoholic and it's all he and his ex wife did together. They divorced because she had an affair, she is a nut job and I know this because she has harassed me and sent my husband flirtatious text messages wanting him back, which he told her to only contact about the kids and then ignored. 

He has done much better with the drinking and he has tried. It's when he drinks too much that sometimes issues occur. He stated to me before the marriage, that he didn't want to drink during the week and only on the weekends. Since my degree is I'm addictions, I explained that I felt he couldn't drink again, and trying to "control" drinking to only certain times would be almost impossible. He has cut back a lot, but will drink during the week here and there around the kids. That type of drinking in front of kids wouldn't normally be an issue, but with his past and the fact that his ex is a functioning alcoholic and they see her drunk, hurts me that they shouldn't be around him drinking during the week at our house. 

I'm sorry for the rambling. We're not some Jerry Springer family, we have great children who are honor roll students, involved in sports. I'm a soccer mom, who happens to be married to a successful man who at times drinks too much. Thanks for the input and time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Another rug-sweeping event for you. 

Might as well get your sleeves rolled up and prepare for more frequent "events', and eventually a big problem.
I don't think you were told what you wanted to hear. You really are allowing him to treat you like poo, tell you he's sorry when it's obvious he's not, he says he is ready to "move on". What he's really saying is that he is not listening to your complaints, not hearing your complaints, not changing his behavior, and you are expected to accept it and that's that. His attitude on this is about as arrogant and cold as one's attitude can get. It's quite obvious he knows he is in control and you aren't going to do anything about his bad behavior.
My suggestion is to leave indefinitely until he comes to realize that you are not accepting this drunken verbal/emotional abuse from him. Force him to either come to you and make amends, or move on with your life because you have enough intellect to know that his alcohol addiction is going to get worse and worse until it's no longer 95% good days and 5% bad, but 5% good and 95% bad.


It's your life. I personally think your modus operandi of rug-sweeping this stuff is going to come back and bite you in the rear like a starving Great White, but..........

GOOD LUCK!!!!! And I mean that. Relationships are hard.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Perhaps he needs to find a new "addiction"?

Since your degree is in this area, how does one swap unmindful addictions for mindful ones?

For example, meditation has become one of my foremost "addictions", it has taken the place of many unmindful things and interestingly enough, those friends and workmates who encouraged such unmindfulness before have unintentionally become thinned out too and my happiness is much more apparent in all other things touched.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Alcohol releases the inner you.
..........................................................................................................................
If the inner you is sweet "that" will be "the You" that emerges. If you are selfish, hateful, jealous, amorous, vicious, untrustworthy....alcohol brings "this" person out of the shadows.
..........................................................................................................................

You love the sober man, who keeps the "nasty" man in abeyance.
Problem: you married a conflicted person. You married two men and have "committed" yourself to a lifetime of facing both of them...living with both of them.

I believe you did this for a few reasons:

a) Like many women, you believe you can change him. Good Luck.
b) Like many people, you married for good looks.
c) Like many people, you are nice and kind. You are going to used by people who take advantage of this. You will be kicked in the teeth for being kind and understanding..until you say no more.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

It's very common for guys to drink heavily on business trips. I do it myself if I'm with guys I get along well with. But assuming the marriage is healthy, they know they have an amazing woman waiting for them when they get back and the sex will be off the charts for a few days. There should be little or zero temptation to see if they "still got it" and try to hookup. 

I traveled with one guy who would take his wedding band off and hookup with a girl every night. He lost his ring on one trip but he had a bunch of duplicates at home hidden. I can't believe he's still married, it's a joke.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> It's very common for guys to drink heavily on business trips. I do it myself if I'm with guys I get along well with. But assuming the marriage is healthy, they know they have an amazing woman waiting for them when they get back and the sex will be off the charts for a few days. There should be little or zero temptation to see if they "still got it" and try to hookup.
> 
> *I traveled with one guy who would take his wedding band off and hookup with a girl every night.* He lost his ring on one trip but he had a bunch of duplicates at home hidden. I can't believe he's still married, it's a joke.


I hope this guy is not a straw man.......

A straw man who lives in your pocket....gets taken out.....on trips.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You seriously need to stop making excuses for him. I cannot believe you married an alcoholic when YOU are an addiction counselor! What were you thinking? And you try to excuse YOUR choices away stating how its "different" when its your own situation! Your husband is an ALCOHOLIC. So you'd best start coming at this from that angle, this is the FACT. His behavior and treatment of you is abhorrent, and just because he isnt constantly in such a state does NOT make it ok. What would you advise one of your clients in your situation?? You need to pull yourself out of denial.


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

I really didn't deal with relationship advice, I did get a get a bachelor's degree in addiction, and finished my practicum working with women in a addiction center. My work after consisted of working with children who have behavioral /emotional issues in the home, schools, in clinic. 

I guess my advice to someone suffering from addiction would be to get yourself right before attempting to get into a relationship. While I knew before I married my husband he had dealt with alcohol issues before, they were not glaringly apparent and there was only one time he was out of line drunk, and after a year and a half I chalked that up to just being an idiot for that night. Since we've been married (a year next weekend) there have been five times, with the first two being insanly verbally abusive. While I did study it, it is completely different living it. For instance, I didn't know not to engage a drunk like I am learning now. The first two instances were when I went after him and stood my ground and yelled back. This year, I didn't really say anything, other than after the Super Bowl which was the first time I recorded him. Out of litteraly no where (he's not even a football fan) he became irate and started yelling that when my 14 year old son came back, he better not rub it in. I was shocked because my son and my husband have a good relationship, with the normal razzing each other about sports teams. It was crazy and I slept upstairs, which I had never done. My husband knew the next day he had made a huge mistake. The pregnancy misery out with another couple and the super bowl have been the only incidents this year before last night. So, I didn't realize how much alcohol would have an effect until we were married. I love my husband very much. I am a smart, caring attractive woman who feels empty right now. My husband constantly tells me all he wants is for me to be happy, but I feel like an insecure idiot. He tells me that I am make little things into big things, and I'm always playing the victim. When things like this come up, if he's home he will say (I was sexually abused as a young girl, and when I finally told my mom a few years later when we were supposed to go to this person's house for dinner, she did nothing and let me stay home but she and my father went to the dinner ; she didn't tell my father apparently till years later) he says I'm the victim and don't hold myself accountable. Maybe he is right, I don't. I apparently let people treat me like ****, but if I said that he'd say the victim thing. I was married before for over ten years, and my ex and his wife and I get along for the kids sake. I'm not a bad person, I guess I am in denial because I am truly in love for the first time. And no, it had nothing to do with his money or looks, even though we have an amazing sex life I've never had with anyone. He is usually a good person and he's ana amazing father, to the point I wonder sometimes how he says he loves me and obviously loves his children. When they throw a fit, he is upset that they are mad, but when things with me happens it's like he could care less, even though later he says that's not true.... Maybe I needed a good kick in the rear to hear what most of you are saying. I guess in my mind him calling me a fing jerk over and over wasn't like he was calling me a B. Apparently I need to go speak to someone.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is deflecting blame. If he can make this about YOU then it takes all blame from him and makes YOU responsible for HIS horrible behavior. I think its important to note that he is doing this when he is sober. Look up articles about crazymaking, gaslighting, blameshifting. Typical alcoholic behavior/logic. Does any of this sound familiar:


*How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.*


Here is a link in regards to gaslighting and addiction, though you may be familiar already:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/05/gaslighting-how-addicts-drive-loved-ones-over-the-edge/


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You seriously need to stop making excuses for him. I cannot believe you married an alcoholic when YOU are an addiction counselor! What were you thinking? And you try to excuse YOUR choices away stating how its "different" when its your own situation! Your husband is an ALCOHOLIC. So you'd best start coming at this from that angle, this is the FACT. His behavior and treatment of you is abhorrent, and just because he isnt constantly in such a state does NOT make it ok. What would you advise one of your clients in your situation?? You need to pull yourself out of denial.


Some good will come out of this marriage.

When people come in to be counseled by you you will have:

a) Book knowledge
b) A degree, a fancy diploma on the wall.
c) The diploma in your heart and mind; one awarded by "The School of Hard Knocks". 

You can help other people more effectively...after you help yourself out of this mess.

The best people to teach others how to tame lions are former Lion Tamers.

You are going to get good at taming "Lying Timers". You married a two-timer. He has you and he has an Irish cutey. She goes by "Redbreast", lives in Middleton, Ireland. She has a very small bum. And, as such, she is a Single Pot lass, not a two-seater, that one gives a wide berth to.


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Wow 3xnocharm... I'm here sitting under the dryer my hair tin foiled so I look great when my husband gets home. The list of gaslighting makes me sick, I can check almost all of them off. I constantly feel to blame, I'm too emotional, I second guess everything, almost the entire list. My husband does do this when he is sober and I know he knows I'm madly in love and wouldn't leave, and when I have challenged him, he asks if I am threatening him and I better think again because he doesn't do threats. I'm trying not to cry here in the hair salon. I'm horrified. I've always been a strong women, went back and got the addiction degree as a single mom, felt confident. Thank you


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Indianahoosier said:


> Wow 3xnocharm... I'm here sitting under the dryer my hair tin foiled so I look great when my husband gets home. The list of gaslighting makes me sick, I can check almost all of them off. I constantly feel to blame, I'm too emotional, I second guess everything, almost the entire list. My husband does do this when he is sober and I know he knows I'm madly in love and wouldn't leave, and when I have challenged him, he asks if I am threatening him and I better think again because he doesn't do threats. I'm trying not to cry here in the hair salon. I'm horrified. I've always been a strong women, went back and got the addiction degree as a single mom, felt confident. Thank you


I'm sorry. You ARE strong and confident, he has just made you believe you arent. He says he doesnt do threats.. then if he ever does say he's out, be sure and hold the door.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are riding the roller coaster that is alcoholism. I always tell the codies (codependents) in these relationships that alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer. It will take down anyone in its path. You are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. And it's starting to progress, so be prepared.

First and foremost, you don't set consequences for HIS behavior; you set boundaries for what YOU will not accept. Until you do that, he'll just continue to crap on you whenever the mood hits him. And unpredictable, out-of-left-field behavior is par for the course when it comes to drunks. I married two alcoholics, so I know of what I speak.

Don't try to figure out why he does what he does and don't waste your time trying to make sense of nonsense. Don't try to make him see the light and seek help, have a come to Jesus moment, or believe any of his promises to cut back. For all you know, he's hiding how much he drinks. I was surprised where I'd find bottles when I cleaned house. 

You want to talk to someone? Go sit in on a few Al-Anon meetings. The usual suggestion is to try six different meetings to see if you find one or several that are a good fit. I've been going to Al-Anon for over 20 years. I learned to keep my side of the street clean. Most importantly, I learned NOT to make any attempts to make an alkie see the light. It's an exercise in futility. I had to respect my husband's right to drink himself to death. And he did just that when he was found dead in January 2015.

Your husband may only have benders now and then (from what you actually know) but unless he addresses the problem himself, there is nothing you can really do. Detachment is a skill that takes time to learn. I am forever thankful that Al-Anon equipped me with the tools to learn how.

Something to consider. JMO.


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## Indianahoosier (Apr 21, 2017)

Thank you for that, and I'm very sorry about your husband. You have been through much pain, and I can't imagine. I don't believe my husband hides his drinking, he has no reason to. I'm here with him and he doesn't go out alone. Obviously on buisness trips, it's different but he is gone now only four days every other month, sometimes once a month but he could travel much more if he wanted. He is a CSO for a multi billion dollar company, which sounds glamorous maybe. It's so funny to me because I'm a target shopper, goodwill hunter at times, I grew up in a working class home. I'm a social worker when I work, which we decided last year I'd stay home for the next year now while our two youngest (happen to each have our own, same age/grade) finish elementary school. You said you attended meetings for years, may I ask why other than the obvious but that is a very long time to go. What made you stay in the relationship? Thank you for sharing such private information. H


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Indianahoosier said:


> You said you attended meetings for years, may I ask why other than the obvious but that is a very long time to go.


Probably the same reason an old-timer I know, who has 40 years sobriety, is still sitting in A.A. meetings. One drink is too many, and a thousand drinks are never enough. The after effects of being exposed to alcoholism just don't go away after a year of counseling. Plus, old timers sponsor newbies and keep working the program the rest of their lives.

You have minimized your husband's problem, which even he admits having. That is certainly your right. But someone who gets drunk five times a year? Uh, no ... that isn't remotely normal drinking. It certainly isn't social drinking by any stretch of the imagination.




Indianahoosier said:


> What made you stay in the relationship?


I didn't stay. I walked away from the mess in September 2009. I had intermittent contact with my husband until the final year of his life. There was no point in talking to him any longer; he as too far gone. We were legally married when he died. I stayed with him because I was mired in what-if thinking: "What if I can't financially make it on my own?" "What if he kicks me to the curb and leaves me destitute?" "What if my friends abandon me and I don't have a support system?"

When I left, I was done. I was nearly as crazy as the alcoholic. I left for my sanity. It was worth it.


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

he sounds abusive if he hits you please leave him.


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