# Going thru grief process again



## gold5932

My ex has just been approved for hospice. I dealt with the grief process after a very long marriage and divorce. I am trying my best to be there for my daughter but I appear to be a cold hearted woman because I'm not crying and carrying on. We haven't been together for almost 4 years and it's very awkward for me. 

I left because he was a raging alcoholic and I couldn't take it anymore. I am in a great place now and I don't want to go back to the dark place. But how do I comfort my kid without going to the dark place?


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## LisaDiane

gold5932 said:


> My ex has just been approved for hospice. I dealt with the grief process after a very long marriage and divorce. I am trying my best to be there for my daughter but I appear to be a cold hearted woman because I'm not crying and carrying on. We haven't been together for almost 4 years and it's very awkward for me.
> 
> I left because he was a raging alcoholic and I couldn't take it anymore. I am in a great place now and I don't want to go back to the dark place. But how do I comfort my kid without going to the dark place?


How old is your daughter?


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## gold5932

Late 20's.


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## sokillme

So my response would be something like -

"Daughter I am heartbroken for you. And I am sad about him however there is a lot of history with your father that leaves me a little numb. Please try and understand this."

Then the women is in her late 20s, she will get over it with you.


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## LisaDiane

gold5932 said:


> Late 20's.


Has she SAID she thinks you are being cold-hearted? Because she should be old enough to understand that he wasn't your beloved husband, nor your father (like he is to her), so you aren't going to feel the same sense of LOSS that she is feeling. You didn't love him -- HE killed that love you used to have for him, so you are not obligated to feel anything except however YOU REALLY FEEL about his impending death.

This could be a very valuable life-lesson for your daughter as well, that everyone has a different process for their grief, and should be allowed the freedom to experience it without the expectations of anyone else intruding on what is very personal and REAL for the person going through it...just like how YOU shouldn't tell HER how to grieve, and what's "the right way" to do so.

Also, I think it would be best for your daughter that you are able to be strong for HER, as her sense of loss is bound to be greater than yours will be. My young aunt was killed when I was a teenager, and my mother was totally unable to help any of her kids deal with it, creating devastating consequences for us all. Your daughter will be much better off for you to stay OUT of that dark place, so you are able to be fully present to comfort her in her grief.

All she will need from you is to simply BE THERE with her while she goes through it. She should be allowed to feel her feelings while you just listen and hug her if she needs that. Let her talk as much as she wants about how she feels, and try not to direct her in any way, so she can release those feelings as she is able to. This will be terrible for her, and will be a life-long pain that she will have and need to learn to live with. 

I'm SO sorry for you both!!!!


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## gold5932

LisaDiane said:


> Has she SAID she thinks you are being cold-hearted? Because she should be old enough to understand that he wasn't your beloved husband, nor your father (like he is to her), so you aren't going to feel the same sense of LOSS that she is feeling. You didn't love him -- HE killed that love you used to have for him, so you are not obligated to feel anything except however YOU REALLY FEEL about his impending death.
> 
> This could be a very valuable life-lesson for your daughter as well, that everyone has a different process for their grief, and should be allowed the freedom to experience it without the expectations of anyone else intruding on what is very personal and REAL for the person going through it...just like how YOU shouldn't tell HER how to grieve, and what's "the right way" to do so.
> 
> Also, I think it would be best for your daughter that you are able to be strong for HER, as her sense of loss is bound to be greater than yours will be. My young aunt was killed when I was a teenager, and my mother was totally unable to help any of her kids deal with it, creating devastating consequences for us all. Your daughter will be much better off for you to stay OUT of that dark place, so you are able to be fully present to comfort her in her grief.
> 
> All she will need from you is to simply BE THERE with her while she goes through it. She should be allowed to feel her feelings while you just listen and hug her if she needs that. Let her talk as much as she wants about how she feels, and try not to direct her in any way, so she can release those feelings as she is able to. This will be terrible for her, and will be a life-long pain that she will have and need to learn to live with.
> 
> I'm SO sorry for you both!!!!


Thank you so much for your advice It means a lot.


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## Affaircare

gold5932 said:


> My ex has just been approved for hospice. I dealt with the grief process after a very long marriage and divorce. I am trying my best to be there for my daughter but I appear to be a cold hearted woman because I'm not crying and carrying on. We haven't been together for almost 4 years and it's very awkward for me.
> 
> I left because he was a raging alcoholic and I couldn't take it anymore. I am in a great place now and I don't want to go back to the dark place. But how do I comfort my kid without going to the dark place?


@gold5932,

My Dear Hubby died in Sept. 2017, and he was married to two other women before me. The first wife was a decent lady but they were kids, she got pregnant, they tried to "do the right thing" and it just did not work out. They were too young. After a little time she grew as a person and as I said, she became a decent person. The second wife was not so much. He worked low-paying jobs to put her through her doctorate-level education, and the idea was that she would have the "career" and the high-paying job then, right? Well she lived off student loans, got her degree, then cheated on him and left him to care for their kids. I am not judging, but she didn't treat him well, and she hurt him like no other could.

So in Sept. 2017 he died quickly. He had heart failure so it wasn't as if we didn't know the day was coming, but I'm so thankful that he was alive and living until the day he died, and then it was very quick. His funeral was for family and friends, and yep, both of his ex-wives came. His mom and his second wife made it "all about them" as they cried and carried on, yet both of them didn't really treat him all that well. His first wife and I did cry, privately and quietly, because in real life, we did care about HIM as a person and not about us or our image or the attention.

Just because you don't "cry and carry on" doesn't mean you don't grieve. Likewise "crying and carrying on" usually has a lot more to do with drama and attention than actually feeling sorrow over the loss of a person. If your daughter is in her 20's she's no longer a child. I suspect she might understand if you, as a person, just are not a drama queen or a production-maker. It's who you are. Your inner being already mourned the loss of the man "you thought you married" and now your inner being is mourning his physical death, but it's still in your way, which is more private and quieter.


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## GC1234

When my grandmother died, my mom had told my grandfather (who were divorced for years). He said he was sorry to her for losing her mom. She knew they were not together, and his reaction is what is should have been. Makes sense you're not distraught.


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## gold5932

I had a long talk with her over the weekend. She has come to terms with her Dad dying and she understands my reaction. I do wish they would of been closer but he was so caught up in alcohol he just let the time go by.

I did tell her I did not want to be in the room at time of death but I would be if she wanted that. I think it's a difficult decision for a child to make. I was by my Mom's side and she died very peaceful and it was an surreal experience. I don't think this death will be like that due to he's in a lot of pain.

Again, thank you for all the kind responses.


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## SunCMars

When you are at your end, your end should be forgiven. Within reason.

I want no spiteful angry eyes peering at me from the other side of the veil.

I would sit in the room with your daughter. If not to the end, then part ways, not parting ways.


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## lifeistooshort

A kid in their late 20's expecting you to go to pieces over your ex is ridiculous. She's a grown woman. 

When my dad died I didn't expect my mom to go to pieces. I appreciated that she was sorry for my loss and I agree that's all you need to convey.

If you have to you can tell her that you're sorry to see him go but that your relationship with him is different then hers and you understand it's a difficult loss.

Adults should understand this stuff.


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## SunCMars

lifeistooshort said:


> A kid in their late 20's expecting you to go to pieces over your ex is ridiculous. She's a grown woman.
> 
> When my dad died I didn't expect my mom to go to pieces. I appreciated that she was sorry for my loss and I agree that's all you need to convey.
> 
> If you have to you can tell her that you're sorry to see him go but that your relationship with him is different then hers and you understand it's a difficult loss.
> 
> Adults should understand this stuff.


Those should's are rarely adhered to, even though they are that sticking point.


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## SunCMars

Those alive should give a break to those leaving this life.
And, why not?

Does it not then show who is the better person?
This, of course, should not be goal, but it often is.

The dying person should take with them some measure of grace.


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## SunCMars

Those hardest on the outside are usually softest in the middle.


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## DownByTheRiver

I hope you are not feeling bad about not grieving now, because you have already grieved the loss. Everyone goes about it different. I'm like you. By the time my parents each passed, I had already grieved them, already felt the loss. It may be especially that way when the person becomes someone different, whether through age or substance abuse or head injury or anything else. You grieve the loss of who they used to be. 

I think you should just give your daughter a few pearls of wisdom help her get through it. If it applies, you can tell her that he hasn't been the same for quite a while and even explain that you feel you lost him little by little as he changed. 

Then just the conventional truths. How long you mourn is no measure of how much you love someone. They always knew you loved them and you will always have that love in memories to be grateful for. 

If you passed away (went to heaven, whatever) and were looking down on your loved ones, would you want them to suffer and be sad any longer than necessary or would you want them to get back to finding joy and living? Your dad wouldn't want to look down and find you still unhappy once you've gotten through the worst of your grief. He would want you to remember the good times, the happy times with him, and not the way it ended, how sick he was, and the misery. Try to remember the good times in his honor.


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## gold5932

I don't feel bad about not grieving. I was stuck in that process for years and it's gone. Am I sad he's dying? Sure. But he made a choice a long time ago and that's on him. Is that cold? Yes. but how long does a loved one have to put up with all the crap addiction brings. I still have to deal with the freaking bills and the calls from hospice because he listed me as point of contact. Do I want to do that? Hell no.


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