# When you think you can't live without her



## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

I started a thread about having driven my wife away because of my lack of desire for sex and intamacy ("Roomates and now cheating"), and as things have progressed, I have discovered more and more, by little things my wife is saying through the few texts we've had, I can see that the chances that we'll reconcile are slim to none. 

So I now have to look ahead to a life without her, and that's not something I feel I can deal with. First of all, our situation dictates that neither of us can move out (horrible financial situation - just paying bills is a stretch every month, let alone paying for an apartment). More importantly, I don't wnat to give her up. I'm willing, pretty much, to forgive her affiar and try and mend things, but if she won't go there, then I have to face life alone. 

I'm a person who doesn't do "alone" well - I'm 56, and have been married 3 times with little in the way of gaps in between. Yeah, I need to be in relationship. 

So, how have you dealt with a new "alone"? How has it worked out, and looking back, how could you have done it better? 

I'm sure some folks will say that I have the unique opportunity to have a "do-over" and do things differently. But what I really want is my wife, and my life back. How do I go on?


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

Do you have children? Part time job = more money yeah working all the time sucks but 1. it gets you out of the house and on your own 2. it will keep you busy and take your mind off of it all.
Married a few times I am sure you feel snake bit can't help there except to say never give up on love and try to learn from your mistakes.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

This probably isn't gonna be helpful, but in terms of moving on, you just do.

Whether its rough or easy we all do it when stuff like this happens. 

What I found helpful though was exercise to keep my mind off things. 

Also you want your wife back, but do you want her back enough to forsake your ideals and self respect in the process?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Kasler said:


> This probably isn't gonna be helpful, but in terms of moving on, you just do.
> 
> Whether its rough or easy we all do it when stuff like this happens.
> 
> ...


Between this and my original thread, I keep hearing a lot about self-respect. I guess I've focused more on others-respect, and perhaps ignored the self-respect thing. I'm not sure what good respecting myself will do for me, considering the fact that I'm looking at life alone in my future. I cannot be by own best friend. I had one, but squandered it.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

bobka said:


> Between this and my original thread, I keep hearing a lot about self-respect. I guess I've focused more on others-respect, and perhaps ignored the self-respect thing. I'm not sure what good respecting myself will do for me, considering the fact that I'm looking at life alone in my future. I cannot be by own best friend. I had one, but squandered it.


Because as long as you have self respect, theres really nothing to fear. 

I'd rather be alone and love myself than forfeit my self respect and dignity so I can be with a woman who doesn't respect or care for me, and and treats me like sh!t.(which is why I left my ex)

You're far too dependent, and you relationships are probably self destructing because of you wanting to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I was a wreck when ww left for om 2yrs ago. Well ww left om after a year and I'm dating a great girl now yes I went through alot of ic but it takes work and time but if I could do it you can too.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Because as long as you have self respect, theres really nothing to fear.
> 
> I'd rather be alone and love myself than forfeit my self respect and dignity so I can be with a woman who doesn't respect or care for me, and and treats me like sh!t.(which is why I left my ex)
> 
> You're far too dependent, and you relationships are probably self destructing because of you wanting to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship.


Well, that's probably right, I probably am too dependent. That's something I guess I'll have to change if I'm to learn to live a life alone.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

tom67 said:


> I was a wreck when ww left for om 2yrs ago. Well ww left om after a year and I'm dating a great girl now yes I went through alot of ic but it takes work and time but if I could do it you can too.


That's what I need to hear.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

You have to invest in yourself. You can be alone, and you should prefer it over being with just anyone who can treat you any old way.

You do sound dependent and frankly, you don't sound like much of a partner. CHANGE that. 

Why would a healthy, together woman want a man who isn't into her sexually (have you been to a doctor about your lack of interest, btw?) Or who just wants to be with her, NOT because she is fabulously interesting, but because he doesn't want to be alone.

You need to be whole on your own before you can be a good partner to anyone else. 

So, get therapy, see a doc about your sex issues, get exercise, volunteer, have a passion for something, be curious. Get outside yourself.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

bobka said:


> Yeah, I need to be in relationship.


This. Until you fix this I fear nothing else can be helped.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

The hardest part about being alone is learning who you are for the first time in many years. I was faced with this after my first marriage ended with her leaving. We had no children together, but she had kids who I still see to this day.

Back to the point... At first, it was quiet and lonely. It was even scary at first. I started noticing things that went "bump" in the night. I stayed up late to avoid the fears of the night. Time heals those things. Soon, you stop hearing the strange sounds of the night. You realize that you have already looked at every possible interesting website that the website has to offer. Life will become "normal". you do indeed learn to live by yourself and even learn to appreciate the time you have to yourself.

Make some friends and find some sort of activity to keep busy. Even if it means going to the diner late nights and getting to know the regular customers and forging a friendship of sorts with them. 

The first thing to do is to get to know yourself and learn to like yourself... Then you can be happy without the aid of someone else!

If my marriage were to end today, I would go out and get me a single-wide trailer with a bigscreen TV and spend my evenings watching CSI and House MD reruns while eating microwave meals out of a frisbee.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

moogvo said:


> The hardest part about being alone is learning who you are for the first time in many years. I was faced with this after my first marriage ended with her leaving. We had no children together, but she had kids who I still see to this day.
> 
> Back to the point... At first, it was quiet and lonely. It was even scary at first. I started noticing things that went "bump" in the night. I stayed up late to avoid the fears of the night. Time heals those things. Soon, you stop hearing the strange sounds of the night. You realize that you have already looked at every possible interesting website that the website has to offer. Life will become "normal". you do indeed learn to live by yourself and even learn to appreciate the time you have to yourself.
> 
> ...


Now, this was helpful. You know, learning who I am again is exactly where I need to start. I guess I've been a very needy and dependent person, and that's "helped" me to not focus on what I was really about. I get so many responses that tell me to "man up" and go work out and become some super-hunk, but that's not the me I see in me. I'm a spiritual guy, and I typically think of others, and not myself, and that may be what's gotten me here today. 

On the other side of the coin, I guess my neediness has made it appear as though I'm me-focused, but that's not the case. I'm others-focused. I just need to be with people. I guess that's going to have to be other people than my wife.

My wife has left for a couple of weeks to be with the guy she's been having an emotional affair with, and I'm sure it's turned physical by now. I'm already over the bump-in-the-night syndrome. I'm more concerned with what being 56, in fair health and on a small, fixed income is going to look like.

I'm glad you've gotten it together. I hope you remain happy, and thank you for your thoughtful reply.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Falene said:


> This. Until you fix this I fear nothing else can be helped.


Have you been able to manage running a relationship-free life?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Bobka

I agree with all above. Give those suggestions plenty of thought. 

Also consider that living with someone who ignores, belittles, and disrespects you is probably much lonelier than living alone. 

You'll get through this....a little progress each day. Make a plan to meet a new person at least each week. Hang out with friends-make new friends. Develop hobbies - join interest groups - volunteer at a food bank or homeless shelter. Or just get a second/third job. In two years you'll wonder what you were so worried about today.

DO NOT worry about _'relationships_' - they'll develop naturally


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

chumplady said:


> You have to invest in yourself. You can be alone, and you should prefer it over being with just anyone who can treat you any old way.
> 
> You do sound dependent and frankly, you don't sound like much of a partner. CHANGE that.
> 
> ...


Just to clarify for you, I have a mental health condition that requires that I take meds that are libido killers. I have worked with my doctor on shifts to this, but it has not helped, and obviously there is other stuff underlying all of this as well. My wife is not completely together and issue-free, so whether she would stay with me under the current conditions isn't the issue. 

You are right in that I need to become whole on my own. That needs to be my new mission.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

bobka said:


> I'm more concerned with what being 56, in fair health and on a small, fixed income is going to look like.


Who FIXED your income? Are you disabled? If you're otherwise healthy, there's no reason why you can't create income for yourself. When I left corporate America over three years ago, I was making a good six-figure salary. But you know what? It was fixed by my employer. Never again. I make as much or as little money as I want to now.

In your case, unfix your income by getting a part-time job to supplement your income.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Who FIXED your income? Are you disabled? If you're otherwise healthy, there's no reason why you can't create income for yourself. When I left corporate America over three years ago, I was making a good six-figure salary. But you know what? It was fixed by my employer. Never again. I make as much or as little money as I want to now.
> 
> In your case, unfix your income by getting a part-time job to supplement your income.


I'm disabled.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Follow me on this for a second... Single wide mobile home, bigscreen, hungry man meals in frisbees... LOL! you just need to find your "you" time. the rest of it will come together! Find something to do that makes YOU happy. If income is a problem, go work part time at Home Depot showing the potential guys you could hang out with where to find the deck boards! get paid to hang around with the guys! Then, after work, go over to the all night diner and find more guys to chat with over the bottomless cup of coffee!

my parents used to HATE the fact tht I hung out at the Waffle House. I forced my dad to go a few times and now they can't get him out of the place. They are gonna charge him rent!

At the end of the day, what I am hearing is that your life is suddenly empty because of a decision that was taken out of your hands. There is an entire world out there that you can pick and choose the things that you want to fill the emptiness up with!

Be the guy you never allowed yourself to be! Don't rely on other people to make you happy... That is on you! And as for the low income... I have been dirt poor my whole adult life! It doesn't get in the way of me finding fun stuff to do!

We're all on this Earth doing nothing more than filling our days and burning time until our time is up. Start living for YOU and use the rest of your time being happy. If that is to include another partner, then so be it. Don't make it DEPENDENT on another partner though!

Let us know how we can help!


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

moogvo said:


> Follow me on this for a second... Single wide mobile home, bigscreen, hungry man meals in frisbees... LOL! you just need to find your "you" time. the rest of it will come together! Find something to do that makes YOU happy. If income is a problem, go work part time at Home Depot showing the potential guys you could hang out with where to find the deck boards! get paid to hang around with the guys! Then, after work, go over to the all night diner and find more guys to chat with over the bottomless cup of coffee!
> 
> my parents used to HATE the fact tht I hung out at the Waffle House. I forced my dad to go a few times and now they can't get him out of the place. They are gonna charge him rent!
> 
> ...


I read your whole story on another post, and was surprised to see that you somehow salvaged your marriage. Yet you have wise advise about single-wides and big-screen TVs. Sounds like you spent some time on your own before you put things back together. I'd like to know more about that, if you're willing.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I will certainly share anything I can to help you in your situation! I do have quite a history on this site. Yes, my wife and I were able to salvage out marriage and breathe new life into it. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary... I sold the single wide 4 years ago! LOL! 

I was like you, Bobka! When my first wife took off, she took my sanity and happiness with her. I was in SUCH a hurry to find a replacement that I hit all of the dating sites and hangouts. I was desperate to find a new companion.

I met some really scary people online and then dated them. In each of those relationships, I started missing my ex. You can guess where the new relationships went from there. I spent a LOT of time running away from myself. I stayed up late at night online, surfing every single website of interest until the sun came up. I totally neglected my business to the point where I had to go find another job to make ends meet. Eventually, I ran out of new websites to explore and realized that by running away from being alone, I was actually running away from a pretty cool guy... Me!

I was able to get my business back in line and leave my "real" job again. I had to set limits on how late I was willing to stay out because that directly affected what time I was going to get up and start working.

While dating this one particular social outcast who depended on me and my actions to "make her happy", I realized that her dependence on me to make her happy was making us both miserable. This is when I realized that it was not my responsibility to make anyone happy, just as I could not depend on someone else to make me happy. That gives an emence amount of responsibility to someone else... Similarly, if your happiness comes from the hand of someone else, then that same hand can take it away...

I concluded that I was completely responsible for my own happiness, and ONLY for my own happiness! I didn't want someone else to depend on me for that. Likewise, I didn't want to take the blame if I were to stop providing it for them.

That's when I discovered that the kind of happiness I could give myself was far superior to the kind anyone else could offer... Kind of like a good back scratch. Sure, someone else can help you ouot, but only YOU know to do it right! Same thing applies here. If you are already happy, someone else can come along and enhance that happiness, which is even BETTER than it was to begin with...

Okay... enough preaching...I will gleefully help you through this in any way I can. If you have questions, I do indeed have answers... Answers that worked wonders for me, but your personal mileage may vary!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Being alone isn't that bad. If my wife left and took the kids I have a ton of hobbies and some close buddies I could fall back on to kill time.

Playing hockey again, hunting, fishing, snowboarding during the winter months. Biking during the fall/spring season. Boating and camping during the summer months.

Travel all over Asia and restart my bucket list that I gave up when I met and married my wife.

But I've had to give all that up for the wife and kids and it has been more than worth it. But in the off chance that things do go wrong, I've got a lot of catching up to do in life if I go single again.

Why don't I do that with my family, my wife and kids are not outdoors people at all. Camping is a hotel room near the woods.

I'm still doing one thing once I retire though, I am going to walk/camp my way all through the appalachian trail. And no I'm not going to be pulling a Senator Mark Sanford.

You should never be dependent on anyone else as an adult. There is so much to live for with or without that someone special.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

moogvo said:


> I will certainly share anything I can to help you in your situation! I do have quite a history on this site. Yes, my wife and I were able to salvage out marriage and breathe new life into it. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary... I sold the single wide 4 years ago! LOL!
> 
> I was like you, Bobka! When my first wife took off, she took my sanity and happiness with her. I was in SUCH a hurry to find a replacement that I hit all of the dating sites and hangouts. I was desperate to find a new companion.
> 
> ...


Well, not to be a downer, but there will likely be no single-wide in my future. Because our finances are so bad, I'm certain that if we split, there will be a foreclosure as well as a bankruptcy, but, since we survived them both before years ago over a a failed business, I suppose we could survive them again. But maybe a nice apartment. And TV dinners are okay with me. 

The thing with me is the "me" part - do I even know me? You see, I suffer from bipolar disorder, and am disabled because of it. Yes, it's that severe. So seeing things clearly is not always my strong suit. And seeing what's good about me is hard. I know people think I'm clever and witty. Hell, I am - why fight it? But the focus is rarely on me, what makes ME feel good. You know, right now in my loneliness, I AM finding interesting websites and doing just about anything I can to make the pain of being alone go away. 

So in repsonse to you and a couple of others who don't think becoming a muscle-man is the answer, I've deduced that finding myself is the next mission. I'm a spiritual guy, too, so I'm off looking for myself in the context of what God would want me to be, and am trying to hear from Him in all of this, too. It's hard when I'm so focused on my pain. But people like you are a light in my world right now, so I am blessed.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> You should never be dependent on anyone else as an adult. There is so much to live for with or without that someone special.


Explain that to me more fully from your perspective, please.


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