# Bondage



## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Ok, so my husband has been doing bondage all wrong by abusing/raping me. He’s only been with me so he has 0 experience except by watching bondage porn. I’ve been doing research and explained to him that me as the sub has boundaries and it is your job as a dom to respect them. So I told him my boundaries which were tying hands only, outfits, blind fold, toys, tape/rope and covering mouth. Mind you, I have come a long way as bondage is not my thing at all and it took me years to finally say yes and learn to have an open mind about it with him. He came to me last year and put his foot down and said he is so tired of not being happy/sexually satisfied in the marriage and we either do this or don’t make the marriage work. I obviously agreed to do it by being more open and not so shut out about it. So yesterday, I told him my boundaries, he went uhhhh and starting sulking. As if he’s not appreciative at all that I made it this far! He said idk what to do because I really love tying your entire body up and feet. I told him the issue with tying my body up is it’s super boring. Like I literally stand like a doll while he takes forever tying my body. He’s very detailed and slow. I get so bored and out of the mood to the point I don’t want sex. Question for doms, how do you take the time to tie up a sub without it killing he mood?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ve got much bigger problems than how long it takes him to tie you up. But you know that already.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

So lots going on here, dismissive comments aside. I'm going to break this down by your post, but understand that there are a lot of overlapping issues here, so the advice might seem disjointed. For reference, I am an educator in the BDSM community and rope 101 is one of the classes I teach.



Laevans7 said:


> Ok, so my husband has been doing bondage all wrong by abusing/raping me. He’s only been with me so he has 0 experience except by watching bondage porn.


Problem number 1 right here. Relying on porn to educate. Granted there are many instructional videos and such out there, and I highly recommend them. For rope bondage specifically, Two Knotty Boys is a wonderful resource. A better resource is seeing if there are any local groups, or ones within your driving range, that have educational classes. Hands on classes are by far, IMHO, the best way to learn various plays. Keep in mind that many of the things you can learn do not have to involve doing things sexually with others. While the instructor might do something with the ropes on your to show your husband how it is done, they will respect limits, such as not breasts or crotch. 



> I’ve been doing research and explained to him that me as the sub has boundaries and it is your job as a dom to respect them.


Make sure that you look up the submissive's bill of rights. And then make sure he reads it. Rape within marriage is very real and you should not put up with it. Rape fantasy play is one thing, but actual rape is not acceptable. However, given the post, you are at best, it seems, a bottom, not a submissive. You might not be even that. Being something and doing something are two different things. For example, I am a Dom/submissive switch, but I have frequently topped or bottomed for others. I am not Domming or submitting to them at the time, even though that is still what I am. I honestly don't think you are either. You have bottomed and maybe even submitted to him, but it is not what and who you are, as far as I can tell from the post.



> So I told him my boundaries which were tying hands only, outfits, blind fold, toys, tape/rope and covering mouth. Mind you, I have come a long way as bondage is not my thing at all and it took me years to finally say yes and learn to have an open mind about it with him.


So good that you have an open mind. It doesn't have to be your thing to be willing to allow him to indulge in his needs. Just don't let it be the only thing that happens between you two. If you are willing to do bondage for him, he needs to be willing to do whatever you want (assuming no limits violations for him) as well.



> He came to me last year and put his foot down and said he is so tired of not being happy/sexually satisfied in the marriage and we either do this or don’t make the marriage work.


He has needs as well and should not be denied them anymore than you should be denied your needs. The question then becomes whether the needs violate the limits.



> I obviously agreed to do it by being more open and not so shut out about it. So yesterday, I told him my boundaries, he went uhhhh and starting sulking. As if he’s not appreciative at all that I made it this far!


This is a problem on his part. While it's good to join him in his needs, he needs to appreciate that you are doing this against your nature. And by this I don't mean that it repulses you, but that it is not a need within you, nor something that you don't need but enjoy when you do it.



> He said idk what to do because I really love tying your entire body up and feet. I told him the issue with tying my body up is it’s super boring. Like I literally stand like a doll while he takes forever tying my body. He’s very detailed and slow. I get so bored and out of the mood to the point I don’t want sex. Question for doms, how do you take the time to tie up a sub without it killing he mood?


That is the problem with rope play it does take time. But first, from this, it seems like your limits are based on you getting bored, as opposed to there being a problem with your feet being tied or other parts. Is that correct? So once again, this is where I recommend classes. By being able to learn to do rope properly, and having a chance to practice, he can get faster with what he does. And it sounds like he likes the more intricate ties. Is he looking at a lot of Shibari? If so, point out that one has to walk before they run, and he needs to master his basics before trying the fancy stuff.

When it comes to the bored part of the sub, most of the bottom types who end up doing rope enjoy it, so it's not boring to them. They love the feel of the rope sliding across the skin, and the pressure and tightness of it. Some can enter subspace on rope alone. You are obviously not one of these types. A solution might be to allow him to have some rope bunnies. Just for the bondage aspect. If there is a play space nearby, maybe the two of you can go and he can have a change to tie someone up, and learn more techniques. Or if you trust him enough, let him go on his own. I suggest that you go for the first few times at least. If nothing else, you can see experienced riggers at work, and maybe you'll see something that interests you. Keep in mind that I am not suggesting that you open up your marriage to sex here. Many of the plays within BDSM can be done with no sexual contact (in this context, I mean touching the breast and genital areas). I've done whole rope scenes where after the person is tied up, I then run fingers along shoulders and stomach and feet and such to add in sensation play. Or start some knife play (can easily be done without drawing any blood). There are lots of options available. The questions is where are your limits and those of your husband?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I am going to follow up here. I went through some of your other threads, and there is an issue here. I am not going to totally dismiss your husband. He has needs, and I personally know what it is like to not have those needs met. However, the lack of communication is highly detrimental. The fact that he was not up front about his desires for BDSM spelled disaster for your marriage from the start. At this point you need to make a decision, because this has been going on too long. He has needs that you can't provide. Not won't or don't want to. Can't. He's a sadist, and I am not using that negatively, but you're not a masochist. You simply do not have what it takes to satisfy his needs. If you had been one of those people like my one wife, who can enjoy the activities even though they are not a need, you would have already determined such. Even if you find other BDSM plays that you enjoy, there is still the fact that he has ones that you cannot fulfill. So either he is going to have to get playmates, in your case non-sexual, so that his needs can get fulfilled, or you are going to have to look into separating. It's possible that therapy/counselling can aid in this, but given your other threads, I am not hopeful. Mind you, all I have is your view of the situation. Hearing his directly might provide other insights.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Laevans7 said:


> Ok, so my husband has been doing bondage all wrong by abusing/raping me. He’s only been with me so he has 0 experience except by watching bondage porn. I’ve been doing research and explained to him that me as the sub has boundaries and it is your job as a dom to respect them. So I told him my boundaries which were tying hands only, outfits, blind fold, toys, tape/rope and covering mouth. Mind you, I have come a long way as bondage is not my thing at all and it took me years to finally say yes and learn to have an open mind about it with him. He came to me last year and put his foot down and said he is so tired of not being happy/sexually satisfied in the marriage and we either do this or don’t make the marriage work. I obviously agreed to do it by being more open and not so shut out about it. So yesterday, I told him my boundaries, he went uhhhh and starting sulking. As if he’s not appreciative at all that I made it this far! He said idk what to do because I really love tying your entire body up and feet. I told him the issue with tying my body up is it’s super boring. Like I literally stand like a doll while he takes forever tying my body. He’s very detailed and slow. I get so bored and out of the mood to the point I don’t want sex. Question for doms, how do you take the time to tie up a sub without it killing he mood?


You: Superhero
Husband: Super Douche Bag


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

maquiscat said:


> I am going to follow up here. I went through some of your other threads, and there is an issue here. I am not going to totally dismiss your husband. He has needs, and I personally know what it is like to not have those needs met. However, the lack of communication is highly detrimental. The fact that he was not up front about his desires for BDSM spelled disaster for your marriage from the start. At this point you need to make a decision, because this has been going on too long. He has needs that you can't provide. Not won't or don't want to. Can't. He's a sadist, and I am not using that negatively, but you're not a masochist. You simply do not have what it takes to satisfy his needs. If you had been one of those people like my one wife, who can enjoy the activities even though they are not a need, you would have already determined such. Even if you find other BDSM plays that you enjoy, there is still the fact that he has ones that you cannot fulfill. So either he is going to have to get playmates, in your case non-sexual, so that his needs can get fulfilled, or you are going to have to look into separating. It's possible that therapy/counselling can aid in this, but given your other threads, I am not hopeful. Mind you, all I have is your view of the situation. Hearing his directly might provide other insights.


*Laevans7 *I hope you understand most of us are disgusted by your husbands behavior and would have you leave on that alone. But Maquiscat lives in this world of BSDM and truly isn't judgemental. But even he sees the true problem. Your husband is a sadist and will not be happy if he isn't hurting you. It seems this is verbally as well as physically. I implore you stop trying to save the marriage and start making your plans to exit.

I personally am worried about what his reaction might be to you trying to leave so please contact any local women's shelters and look at the resources available in your area.

Also think do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is how men act? How women should be treated?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Your husband is a sadist and will not be happy if he isn't hurting you.


I need to make a point here. I am a sadist _and _a masochist. The key in whether there is a problem or not is the use of consent and of concern for the other. Not saying that @Anastasia6 doesn't get that point but, I wanted to make sure that you, @Laevans7, understand that being a sadist in and of itself is not a problem. The DSM itself, has actually separated out various philias with disorders. For something to be a disorder now, several criteria have to accompany it. So now one can be a sadist without having a Sadism disorder.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yes but the real point is She isn't a masochist. He is a sadist. So therapeutic nuances really don't matter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have no idea why you would still be with this man who watches sadisit porn and wants to test it on you.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

So I put together a list of all the sexual things in ok/enjoy doing and a list of donts which are my boundaries that he has to respect. He literally said that’s upsetting because he is so sick of being sexually deprived to the specific bondage he wants that he said he’s hoping everything on my do list is everything he wants from A-Z with nothing left out. I’m like are you serious!? So even if I have 100 amazing sexual thing in my list that you love, your willing to divorce me over one or two things that aren’t on the list and be said yup because he needs his sub to be a specific way. In like wow, good like with finding that perfect sub lol Geesh. I’m like doing so much for him and he can’t see or appreciate that because it’s not exactly matching every ounce of his fantasy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Jeez ..... talk about black mail.

I would bet he would cry his little eyes out if you turned the tables on his power trip. You say “ Ok I’ll get the paperwork started.” I believe he thinks he has you backed into a corner. Take the upper hand away from him.

Maquiscat seems to have this type of stuff figured out well with his insights. I don’t doubt your husband has this kink but the way he is going about it is horrible..... not to mention it’s on your no list.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Laevans7 said:


> So I put together a list of all the sexual things in ok/enjoy doing and a list of donts which are my boundaries that he has to respect. He literally said that’s upsetting because he is so sick of being sexually deprived to the specific bondage he wants that he said *he’s hoping everything on my do list is everything he wants from A-Z with nothing left out*. I’m like are you serious!? So even if I have 100 amazing sexual thing in my list that you love, your willing to divorce me over one or two things that aren’t on the list and be said yup because he needs his sub to be a specific way. In like wow, good like with finding that perfect sub lol Geesh. I’m like doing so much for him and he can’t see or appreciate that because it’s not exactly matching every ounce of his fantasy.


He is hoping??? Does that mean you have now shown the list to him yet?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

I won't pretend to know much about Bondage etc.

However, anything that bothers YOU and is offensive FOR YOU to endure, should be respected!

If he can't respect your limits, then tie your Dom up and serve him with divorce papers ASAP.

There are plenty of men out there that would be happy to respect your limits.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn’t matter what concessions you make. If it’s not exactly 100% what he wants then it’s not going to work for him. The two of you aren’t sexually compatible and he’s not willing to compromise.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

I agree we are not sexually compatible and of course know that. We are trying to come together now. I gave him my list and he said he was bummed out but is hoping later in the future we eventually end up doing it. He said he still wants to make the marriage work and will respect my boundaries. He knows that if he chooses not to respect my boundaries we will divorce. So hopefully this works. We have come a long way


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

He also expressed to me how he knows he’s always had a bunch of hatred towards women because of the torment/abuse his mother put him through since birth. Yes she is extremely crazy and abusive to all her kids. I told him this makes sense of why he has such a deep need to control on this power trip since his mom robbed him of that. I totally get it but of course does not justify his actions. He is going to counseling to work through that because he doesn’t like the person he is and wants to be better for himself even if we divorced


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Laevans7 said:


> I agree we are not sexually compatible and of course know that. We are trying to come together now. I gave him my list and he said he was bummed out but is hoping later in the future we eventually end up doing it. He said he still wants to make the marriage work and will respect my boundaries. He knows that if he chooses not to respect my boundaries we will divorce. So hopefully this works. We have come a long way





Laevans7 said:


> He also expressed to me how he knows he’s always had a bunch of hatred towards women because of the torment/abuse his mother put him through since birth. Yes she is extremely crazy and abusive to all her kids. I told him this makes sense of why he has such a deep need to control on this power trip since his mom robbed him of that. I totally get it but of course does not justify his actions. He is going to counseling to work through that because he doesn’t like the person he is and wants to be better for himself even if we divorced


At this point you are running a lot of risk. But, optimist that I am, it is possible he might change. However, might I suggest a separation? One where you can get together for sex every so often and see if he behaves himself. And counseling now, regardless. There are some who will work online and with other concessions for Covid. He needs to know how serious this is, and you need to assert your rights. One of the early lessons I teach in my 101 class when I get to the power exchange section is that the sub actually has the most power. The sub is the one to give consent and they are the one who can withdraw it at anytime. You might also want to point out that anytime he violates your consent, it stops being BDSM and becomes sexual assault/rape. And that you will not be afraid to press charges. Being ignorant of how BDSM works is alright, as long as one takes steps to correct that. Being stupid about it is not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Laevans7 said:


> He also expressed to me how he knows he’s always had a bunch of hatred towards women because of the torment/abuse his mother put him through since birth. Yes she is extremely crazy and abusive to all her kids. I told him this makes sense of why he has such a deep need to control on this power trip since his mom robbed him of that. I totally get it but of course does not justify his actions. He is going to counseling to work through that because he doesn’t like the person he is and wants to be better for himself even if we divorced


Yes it makes sense that he has to deal with the issues he has with his mother. 

But it's unfair to you for him to be using you as the surrogate to work through his issues about his mother. Talk about something that is a huge sexual turnoff. It's also sort of scary (to me).


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think this makes a great point of why men should stay away from porn.

I mean, he’s left reality and thinks you exist almost purely for his sexual gratification-regardless of your thoughts and feelings. That’s a significant departure from the reality of what marriage is and should be.


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