# Getting him to feel alpha again



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Trying to make this short but in his first marriage, he had a college degree and she didn't. He had a good stable job and she worked part time and made a lot less. He was a lot smarter than her. He says that she was a strong controlling person but I think in my gut the economic and job situation made him feel alpha. 
So now he's with me, we both have degrees, make around the same amount and both have good jobs. He pays his ex child support and I get child support from mine do in the end I bring in more to the home.
In addition I am as smart as him if not more in a lot of areas. There are areas where he is a lot more smart then me. 
He wanted to get his kids half time but couldn't. It seems like his ex has so much control over his kids. 
He does do "manly" things like fixing things around the house, lives to get his tools out, he mows the lawn and takes care of the manly stuff. 
Also my ex made 20k more than he does. I truly honestly don't care, I am
perfectly fine with our money situation and our jobs. 
He told me the other day he feels like he has no control over anything. 

Is there anything I can do or we can do to get him to feel more in control and alpha?
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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

He can't just "feel" it. He has to "be" it. And it's not about income, it's more about how your interactions happen.



> He told me the other day he feels like he has no control over anything.


This is something really deep for a guy to admit. 



> Also my ex made 20k more than he does.


Does your husband know this? If so, how did he got to know it? Did you tell him this?

Anyway you should get your hubby to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. It's not a sex manual. It's about teaching a man how to be the needed mixture of Alpha and Beta that he needs to be a functioning man in our society while keeping his wife interested in him (which implies having Alpha traits). 

Just don't read it yourself right now. Let him work it out first.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

For him to feel alpha, you have to submit. Not sure that's what you want, but it's unlikely that he'll "take" that role. You have to "give" him that role. 

You may think you're being submissive around him, but somehow I doubt that you really are.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> For him to feel alpha, you have to submit. Not sure that's what you want, but it's unlikely that he'll "take" that role. You have to "give" him that role.
> 
> You may think you're being submissive around him, but somehow I doubt that you really are.


Exactly and you are all over this board trying to find ways to change your husband. That's not submitting.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't think I'm being submissive at all. Never said I was. Thanks for the recommendation on the book. Sorry if I offended anyone.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh and I think I mentioned how much the ex made in passing when I was talking about a situation with our past and his reluctance to pay me child support. I honestly didn't think anything of it but now I regret saying it.
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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I don't think I'm being submissive at all. Never said I was. Thanks for the recommendation on the book. Sorry if I offended anyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My advice remains the same. You want him to feel alpha? You have to be submissive.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Oh and I think I mentioned how much the ex made in passing when I was talking about a situation with our past and his reluctance to pay me child support. I honestly didn't think anything of it but now I regret saying it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah... You kinda dropped the ball a bit there. But don't worry, just give him the book and keep rubbing his ego a bit.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> My advice remains the same. You want him to feel alpha? You have to be submissive.


None of us are offended. In fact I've been where you are. If you want your husband to be more in control and more alpha YOU have to submit and give up control. There is no other way. He isn't going to do it on his own unless you give it to him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know how to be submissive. Seriously. I hope that we share power evenly, I really do. I guess it's hard for me to know how to rub his ego because I don't know what he wants to hear. It feels like when I compliment him on things he doesn't really respond. 
It's hard for his because I have had to do so much in my own and then after my first marriage I was really on my own. I know there are times when I defer to him and let him make decisions. It's hard when someone is looking to you to make decisions with them or doesn't have ideas about to do, where to go, etc. 
I need to think about this. Sometimes we end up in a "I don't know what do you want to do" loop.
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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah, this is a tough one. For him to be Alpha, HE has to take on that persona. You can be more submissive but which is a small piece but you might eventually grow to resent having to constantly put yourself in that role if he's not taking his part.

One of the best lessons I learned at a young age was about confidence. I was struggling with girls because, even at a young age, I wasn't a hound dog and always looked for "relationships". I could never get a girl to like me beyond "friends" until I was a senior in high school (well the girls I wanted to be more than friends). My dad pulled me aside and told me about confidence. 

How women tell you they want "sensitivity" but what they really want is a man who can communicate beyond grunts. They don't want a wuss, they just want a guy who understands who he is and can communicate that.

They also want a guy to take charge and be the protector, but they also don't want a guy to be controlling. The difference is where the guy comes from. If you're confident, you'll be a great protector, if you're not, you'll be controlling.

I asked, well how do I get confidence....."Ahhhh, well go get a pen" I went and got a pen. "Go get a hammer" I went and got a hammer. "Go get me a sandwich" (no joke, I went and got him a peanut butter sandwich). As he sat there eating his sandwich, he then says "Go get me your confidence". I just stared at him. "Huh, how do I get that". "EXACTLY, confidence is a thought and if you think it enough, you believe it and when you believe it enough, it will become part of your core. So stop thinking your not confident and start thinking you are. You're good in school right?" "Yeah" "Do you think you'll do well on your next test?" "Yeah" "Because you think you will...that's confidence. So start thinking that girls will want you for who you are. Communicate yourself but never cry and be strong for them when needed".

Went into college as a whole new man.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've never recommended anyone to read this book, and to tell the truth I've not read it myself. But I've heard good things about "The Surrendered Wife".

I'm not saying you have to go that extreme. But I'll bet there are a lot of little nuggets you can pick up from that book on how to stroke his ego and bring some of his alpha out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I asked, well how do I get confidence....."Ahhhh, well go get a pen" I went and got a pen. "Go get a hammer" I went and got a hammer. "Go get me a sandwich" (no joke, I went and got him a peanut butter sandwich). As he sat there eating his sandwich, he then says "Go get me your confidence". I just stared at him. "Huh, how do I get that". "EXACTLY, confidence is a thought and if you think it enough, you believe it and when you believe it enough, it will become part of your core. So stop thinking your not confident and start thinking you are. You're good in school right?" "Yeah" "Do you think you'll do well on your next test?" "Yeah" "Because you think you will...that's confidence. So start thinking that girls will want you for who you are. Communicate yourself but never cry and be strong for them when needed".


I love this. But this has to be said by a man who is respected. It would never have the same effect coming from a woman. Especially a man's wife.

I think I may say this same thing to my sons.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh what a great father! That's wonderful. 
My h is very confident in his job, his career, his brain, and with his kids. 
I could be full of sh*t and I'm the problem which I will accept and work on but I feel like his ex is the biggest issue. Personally I think he needs to take more control with her, set boundaries, stop trying to be nice when she's being a stupid selfish cow. 
I used to try to give him advice about how to deal with her but I told him it wasn't my place and that it wasn't right. So now I just tell him he did the right thing or I say nothing or like "that sucks". 

As far as confidence with me, I don't know what to think. I believe he feels like he can talk to me about anything, he can tell me how he feels and I hope that he can ask for what he wants.
Sexually I don't think he is as confident because I have way more experience than he does and I want it more than he does. I have told him over and over how great he is in bed.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I used to try to give him advice about how to deal with her


I'm glad you've stopped doing this.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Me too but I need more suggestions...
Part of my deal is I used to be way too submissive and clingy and didn't stand up for myself. And circumstances forced me to bring out my warrior side. I don't even like it but it's there for survival purposes. Anytime someone messes with some one I care about it comes out and it's hard to tame that.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

And MMSL from what I know is about getting more sex from your wife but we are in the opposite situation
so even if I suggest it it's like I'm trying to pressure him to get more sex or he will say it doesn't apply.
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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> And MMSL from what I know is about getting more sex from your wife but we are in the opposite situation
> so even if I suggest it it's like I'm trying to pressure him to get more sex or he will say it doesn't apply.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It has that component yes, but if he understands the book and plays it well you will want to have more sex with him. But it goes well beyond that. Don't let the name and initial promises fool you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

But he doesn't want me to want to have more sex with him. I will be in the nuthouse if my horniness for him increases and he still only wants it once a week.
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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

First you should ALWAYS stand up for yourself if you are being mistreated. That is not the type of Submissiveness we are talking about. Would you consider yourself submissive in the bedroom?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes. But he isn't very dominant. Sometimes he does like to be dominated within certain parameters. 
Ok here's a conversation we had
Me "want to go to the dog park on the way?"
Him "we can"
Me "but do you WANT to go?"
Him "sounds like a good idea"

He does that a lot with half passive answers and I never know what he really wants.
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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

clear something up for me please "he does like to be dominated'? as in you dominate him? or did you mean dominant?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He likes me to dominate him sometimes but it's rare. 
I usually let him take the lead and set the pace for what we do. 
However we've an into issues because he stopped doing things I really like and got mad if I asked for it. We started getting in fights about that and about frequency and now we're in MC. I mean if he wants to be dominant then let's get into it and play the game. I'm all for it. I guess I just don't like the vanilla version of we do what he wants and it's the same thing everytime. We used to do all kinds of crazy stuff and now it's make out and maybe I give a Bj and then missionary and it's done. I orgasm but it doesn't feel as fun.
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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Diwali, you know a little of me, such as that I have suffered with niceguy syndrome and am working at my recovery... in my marriage I was NEVER dominant, but I was confident and somewhat decisive the first couple years of our marriage... then as a settled into a comfort zone, and also as my ex W continuously pushed the boundaries of it I just let her have more and more free slack, she was for the most part decent but I had relinquished all control (pretty much the point your H is coming to soon from what I can perceive) and by the end I was COMPLETELY submissive, and after the marriage ended my submissiveness peaked to the point where I I felt just like I think a "surrendered wife" would feel, except had nobody to lead and it was scary and lonely/empty.

After my marriage I soon met a persian lady, whose culture is certainly very dominant/submissive gender based - I found out she was supremely "submissive" in the bedroom and in certain other ways, but had a way of boosting my confidence a lot, and becoming actually very dominant in bed (it wasn't spilling over into other aspects of my life but it did stir something new and very exciting in me, and had the relationship lasted longer I feel pretty certain I would have felt more dominance into other parts of my life). However, at this point in life I still have this huge submissiveness streak that extends from real life into the bedroom, but honestly there are not as many dominant women out there as truly submissives, it just the way the genders are in society.

One thing about this submissive lady I was seeing is that she had a real mischievous side, and actually acted quite naughty in ways that if I wanted to be with her meant I had to step up my dominance and match her feisty aggression. One example is pinching, she would do this all the time to me, and it annoyed the hell out of me... but you know what it really made it possible for me to get rough with her the way she was craving, and it also made me really sexually hungry. Meanwhile I am now seeing a lot of a nice "Canadian" lady, who is very kind and also wants me to get a little more aggressive, but she does nothing to instigate me in any kind of sexual or physical way and I am finding it really tough to get that stirring feeling.

So one suggestion I might have for you to be in the submissive kind of way you want to be, and for your H to be the one getting a little more aggressive and playful, is talk him up in front of others (not just to him like you have been working at) and when its just you two be very feisty, devious and get yourself in trouble so he has to take control of your naughty behavior. Make him WANT to spank you! be a shrew, it will bother him, and he may complain and try controlling you with manipulation but don't let him, steer it so he has to control you physically.

Just my thoughts, based on a small little taste I got not very long ago


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Ok here's a conversation we had
> Me "want to go to the dog park on the way?"
> Him "we can"
> Me "but do you WANT to go?"
> ...


Gently push him for a yes or no answer. Make it light hearted and sweet when you do. Tease him a bit.

My heart goes out to you though. Learning how to deal with a passive man isn't easy. I've read everything I could get my hands on, studied here and I think I've finally got it. He's no alpha but he will tell me what he wants. Problem is it's meek so I have to really pay attention. Was out today and remembered something he said and thought "wait that was him telling me what he wants" so I shot him a text to say I agreed. Better late than never right.  Turns out he'd been thinking about this for a while and that one little comment was all I got.

What I've learned is passive men will lead it's just quieter. And when they do you agree (within reason of course - I'm no doormat). So far my passive man has yet to ask me to do anything that wasn't in the best interest of our family so I'm listening and showing my willingness to let him lead.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't really mind if he isn't alpha, I just think maybe it would feel better about himself and like he has more control in his life. It's hard to submit when you don't know what someone wants. 
Im more of a power sharer but right now it seems like he doesn't feel powerful and I don't like that.
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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Gently push him for a yes or no answer. Make it light hearted and sweet when you do. Tease him a bit.
> 
> My heart goes out to you though. Learning how to deal with a passive man isn't easy. I've read everything I could get my hands on, studied here and I think I've finally got it. He's no alpha but he will tell me what he wants. Problem is it's meek so I have to really pay attention. Was out today and remembered something he said and thought "wait that was him telling me what he wants" so I shot him a text to say I agreed. Better late than never right.  Turns out he'd been thinking about this for a while and that one little comment was all I got.
> 
> What I've learned is passive men will lead it's just quieter. And when they do you agree (within reason of course - I'm no doormat). So far my passive man has yet to ask me to do anything that wasn't in the best interest of our family so I'm listening and showing my willingness to let him lead.


I always learn something when you post.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's interesting about the pinching. I don't really know how that would go over but I get what you're saying. I need to think about that.
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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

tell him how awesome he is


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I do that. Sometimes it just seems like it doesn't matter because he feels like so much else is wrong.
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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> tell him how awesome he is


In person... but especially in front of others - that is the biggest ego boost a guy can get.


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