# ACOA's and other dysfunctional trauma and its effects on life and relationships.



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Boy howdy.... There comes a time in life where after all the work you have done up to this point and all the progress that's been made that you realize.... you still have a long way to go. Well, that's me today and after seeing SO many posters here lately or their spouses that are clearly ACOA's or Adult Children of Alcoholics and digging into the issues, it is clear to me that I need to dig back in myself. That this is just a life long process. 

I recently bumped up against an OLD issue resurfacing again. I already knew I had fear of abandonment and as much work as I have done on that it is MUCH MUCH better. It hardly causes any issues anymore, but what I did not know is that many times it is linked to a twin fear... fear of success. 

This one is quirky... I have a goal, put my foot on the gas and as SOON as I feel the power of that momentum, I take my foot off the gas. It is some kind of fear of losing control?? This is a new area of study for me and already found many articles that apply to other threads around TAM. If it resonates... chime in. 

Many of you describe mate who pull you in but push you away.... here is an article that might help....


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2013/08/02/people-should-treat-me-better-but-i-wont-let-them/


*People Should Treat Me Better – But I Won’t Let Them*

08/02/2013 dmtorbi 


ACoAs ARE IN A DOUBLE BIND –
either way we lose ourselves,
to stay loyal to the family


PREVIOUS: Healthy Give & Take (#2)

READ posts re. Double Messages / Binds

ACoAs have a terrible dilemma :
1. On the one hand we desperately want to be loved, acknowledged, seen, heard. We complain bitterly for years that we have to chase people down, do all the work in relationships, friends don’t come thru for us, we’re too isolated, hate being lonely, we can’t trust anyone…
You know what kids used to say: ”No one loves me, everyone hates me, I’m going to eat worms & die!” (Toxic Rules)

Because we’re not allowed to be loved, comfortable and comforted, happy, thriving… we chase after those few who don’t want us at all, &/or are unavailable in some way, even if there was an initial attraction. They let us know in a 1000 ways they’re not really able to connect (because of their self-hate & fear of intimacy) – but we don’t want to deal with that info, even when we hear it!

✶ The real reason for chasing the ‘impossible dream’ is that these unavailables are parent substitutes. Our family gave us the message we were too much trouble, not worth bothering with, in their way, messy, greedy, unruly pain in the a–es. We couldn’t live with that. We had to figure impossible dreamout a way to win them over, to love us, if only we knew how to fix ourselves & them. BUT we never did.

✶ So now, with the current unavailables, we’re determined: this time we’ll get them, this time we’ll win – if only we’re perfect & persistent enough. OY! (“Perfectionism”)

2. On the other hand, we’re terrified of getting too much attention, are  uncomfortable with compliments, don’t want to ‘put anyone out’, can’t accept being given to. We think (conscious or unconscious):
a. I don’t deserve good things. After all, my family wasn’t that nice to me & they knew me best. So, when anyone else gets to know me they’ll also be disgusted, & leave me
b. If someone likes me, then they’re stupid, weak, needy (no one I’d want to be with) because they’re too dumb to know I’m not worth liking

c. OR if they’re being nice – they’re conning me, being polite, people-pleasing – & then just when I start enjoying things they’ll leave or want something from me I don’t have. Sooner or later the real them will show up & I’ll be disappointed – againpush away
d. I don’t want to owe anyone – no one gives anything for free, everyone has an agenda….
e. If I admit I want to be liked & given to, then I’m the weak one, & that  disgusts me. I’d rather be alone than be that vulnerable

f. People are just trying to control me by being nice, so they can get what they want, & make me do things their way…

ACoAs waffle back & forth between opposites – BUT only Negative ones —
✶ either are too alone or chase people who aren’t interested / abuse them
✶ isolate for years or stay way too long with the wrong people
✶ keep hurting themselves & then find some addiction (not always a chemical) to dull the pain
✶ hate themselves for being too much or for not being enough
✶ act out Victim Role or act out Perpetrator role (aggressor, abuser) ….

WHY WE STAY IN THE OLD PATTERN (even IF we know better)
✶ Loyalty to the family & it’s system (still think we need them)
✶ Don’t want to disobey the Toxic rules : they represent our connection to home AND we don’t want to be punished, AND if we obey them, the family will love / accept us
✶ MOST OF ALL : we don’t want to ‘get depressed’ ie. feel all that pain (sad, lonely, terror, hopeless, rage, powerless… ) of our parents not loving us the way we needed. broken loveWe knew the truth back then but it was too much to bear & we didn’t have many options, so we stuffed it down.

SO, NOW : If we give up our fantasies & illusions about the unavailables – and walk away – we’ll get flooded by that accumulated old pain! But if we know where all that pain is coming from, we can learn to manage it until it passes. “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”

It takes quite a bit of recovery (growing a Loving Inner Parent) to be able to tolerate feeling that awful! & still be ok. With enough time & the right kind of support, we can go through it KNOWING that it was NOT our fault that our family (& others) couldn’t love us, & that now it’s OK to LET LOVE IN, today & every day from now on.

NEXT: Resist talking the the IC? – #1


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This is really helpful to me, thank you!!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm glad!!! I think there are a LOT of us out there. I will keep posting more articles. I'm finding a lot that may help. I've got to figure out this success thing on my side, so I'll be researching for a while.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Thanks!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

My best friend put it to me this way: don't let the little girl I was, pick my partners now. She can't be trusted to pick someone healthy (she is used to getting just crumbs)!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2014/03/15/being-confident-part-1/

*BEING A CONFIDENT PERSON*
makes me happy, not arrogant

PREVIOUS: Double Messages (#9)

QUOTES: “To wish you were someone else is a waste of the person you are.” Meelia121

“Don’t let what you can’t do stop you from doing what you can do.” John Wooden, sports coach & motivational writer

DEF: Confidence comes from a positive & realistic assessment of one’s
abilities, talents, creativity, knowledge, personal judgment, power and worth.

CONFIDENT people are usually HAPPY PEOPLE
ACoAs: Remember that we were not allowed to be ourselves from the get-go, so we have to work hard at uncovering our True Self, fighting the toxic parent voice which doesn’t want us to find this out. Contrary to what many of us have been taught, self-confidence is not arrogance, which is an over-evaluation of one’s worth, often displayed in offensive expressions of superiority & false pride.Wellness aspects

➼ The following are some basic characteristics of mentally healthy people – GOALs which everyone can strive for. No one is confident all the time, so we are NOT looking for perfection in anything – only progress!

CONFIDENT People:
• have a clear sense of self – they know who they are, fundamentally – their basic inborn qualities, special abilities & gifts, their hard-earned accumulated knowledge, likes & dislikes, dreams & hopes. They’re not afraid to admit their flaws & limitations, but don’t dwell on them.

• show it in how they carry themselves. Unless they’re ill or disabled – (which does not diminish truly confident people), they have a self-assured walk, stand or sit with head straight, shoulders back, give eye contact when engaged in conversation…. In any case, they are comfortable in their skin.

• don‘t beat themselves up. Being human is to not be perfect, which they accept, & are therefore not ashamed of being limited or of having shortcoming. When they don’t know something or have a ‘weak’ moment, they identify the issue, try to find a solution, dust themselves off and keep going. There is never a legitimate reason for self-abuse.

THEY:
• take care of themselves. They don’t wait for others to do for them what they can do for themselves. They are willing to learn better & easier ways to do things, & look for ways to make their life less complicated or stressful.

Screen Shot 2015-09-29 at 1.58.05 PM• pay attention to their health. GIGO (Garbage in, Garbage out) applies to the body as well as the mind, both of which they treat with respect. As much as their circumstances will allow – they give themselves quality nourishment in the form of healthy food, fresh air, relaxation & activity, get regular medical attention, taking appropriate vitamins & medication, as needed.

• learn from their past without dwelling on it. They’re willing to acknowledged & deal with old trauma, but don’t get stuck in it. They recognize when their old thinking & behavior patterns limit their progress, & are determined to improve whatever they can. They keep moving forward, but accept & learn from the past, knowing it’s part of their identity.

THEY:
• don’t absorb criticism. Because they regard themselves positively, they don’t feel judged or belittled, even if someone is trying to do that, especially by people who know very little or nothing about them. They’re not shaken by others’ opinions of them, & in many cases they don’t even bother defending themselves.

• refuse to be victims. Not everyone had a painful or traumatic childhood, but everyone has had difficulties & challenges some time in their life. The confident person refuses to let stressors get them down for too long – even if they truly were victims as children. Feeling compassion for oneself in not the same as self-pity, which is more about believing one is powerless & hopeless, than feeling sad about experiencing painful events.
— AND they refuse to be victimized. They don’t let others abuse or take advantage of them, because they know their own worth, without arrogance.boundaries

• have strong personal boundaries. This requires knowing their needs & rights in order to ask for what they want, or to stop others from inappropriately imposing their needs or desires. They don’t try to please others just for the sake of making others happy, in order to prevent feeling abandoned. They know when to say Yes & when to say No, but not as a way to be controlling or boost their ego.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/list-of-healthy-boundaries-part-1/

*I WANT TO CONNECT,
NOT be enmeshed*!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Bs – Info (Part 2)

REVIEW: ‘ACoAs & Self-Esteem‘


WHAT BOUNDARIES (Bs) CAN NOT DO
• having boundaries ourselves can not create Bs for others
• by themselves, they can’t change our ‘spirit’. When we continually break the same boundary, or let others B invade us – it’s caused by some wound in our Child part which needs to be healed before we can enforce our Bs

• they can’t be be imposed as a control to change someone else’s actions. Bs won’t stop narcissist & pathological liars from trying to manipulate or control us. We must decide what we will or will not allow, but can’t force another person to change. Usually we have to get away from them

• a B should not be used to encourage negative behavior which is counter to our morals & values, like saying that someone can ‘act self-destructively but not around us’. If a ‘boundary’ encourages unhealthy behavior, it has no element of love and protection in it. It doesn’t mean we can control the outcome, only that we state our concerns clearly

PRACTICAL EXAMPLES of Healthy Boundaries

1. EMOTIONAL (Es = emotions)
Having healthy Emotions. Bboundaries is to truly know:
• Es just ARE: not good or bad, but rather – range from most painful to most joyful
• As adults Es don’t depend on others’ actionslove Bs
• good Es come from our own behavior
• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es
• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es
• we choose to not blame, ie. responsible for ones own Es
• we’re accepting of & self-forgiving for Es we’ve been taught to disapprove of, like jealousy, greed, shame, indifference, rage….
• we can have access to a wide range of Es
• we have control over which Es we express to others (to whom & where)

With regard to YOURSELF
Healthy Bs means that we:
• have a strong sense of identity – know ourselves well, have good self-esteem & respect for ourselves – without arrogance
• know our own wmy spaceants, needs and feelings
• value our opinions and feelings as much as others (sometimes more)
• become our own good parent, to take care of our needs
• talk to ourselves with gentleness, respect and humor
• acknowledge our shadow self, but without judgment or self-hate
• are able to ask for help when we need it
• are committed to and responsible for exploring & nurturing our full potential
• are responsible for our own happiness & fulfillment
• know our limits – not giving too much, hoping someone will like us
• don’t compromise our values or integrity to avoid possible rejection
• know when a problem is ours & when it is NOT

With regard to OTHERS
Healthy Bs means that we communicate our Bs clearly in all relationships
• are ok with others having intense emotions, without having to fix them
• have respect for others — don’t take advantage of someone’s generosity AND don’t let others take advantage of ours
• develop appropriate trust, based on current reality (what we know about them)
• share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationshipme vs you
• have an equal partnership & expect reciprocity in close relationships —sharing responsibility & power
• allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment
• don’t tolerate emotional abuse or disrespect from anyone
• know when a problem belongs to someone else
• allow others to define their own Bs & limits
• move carefully, thoughtfully, step-by-step into intimacy


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Thank you for this thread. I am realizing I still have a lot of work to do. The adultery brought back my own fear of abandonment. I also have the fear of success. I fear that if I am too successful, I will get to deeply into it and not pay attention to my family, and then they will abandon me. When I was 16 I had high hopes for myself and my career. I was not looking for a husband, but wanted a career. Love would also be nice, but I figured it would come when I met the right guy. My father (a high functioning alcoholic) told me, "If you get too independent, no man will ever love you." I can remember everything about the room we were in, and hear his voice telling me that. Even though I know what he said was not true, it stuck.

My husband also has ACOA tendencies. Because of his parents divorce when he was 10 (and his mother is also an alcoholic BTW) he felt abandoned. He said to himself that he would never rely on anyone ever again. While he as been loving and attentive, when I actually begin to count on him, he begins to pull away and finds a reason to be snippy. I sensed after 10 years that he was an island, and then at 25 years of marriage I realized that he had never bonded with me, become one.

I look forward to the information you post here.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

When my H and I first met my abandonment fears were so raw fresh off a divorce, it was severe. I was a crazy woman. My H had the patience of Job. So we've been through a lot and I worked hard to not remain crazy with fear of abandonment, but this fear of success has been pervasive and is my new project.

I've had four events decades apart. Two of them were the "you dont have a skill problem, you have a confidence problem". The third was I had someone ask me "if you achieve this position how do you see yourself?" And my response was "alone."

The fourth was this week. I'm working on a new real estate project and I am aware enough now that despite great success with it in just two weeks, I jerked my foot off the gas pedal and started distracting myself with TAM, something I'm good at. 

So I fessed up to my H that I caught myself and told him something tells me this is ACOA related and sure enough, just the little bit of digging I've done links a dual fear od abandonment and success. I dont fully understand it yet, but its definitely there.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hey... by the way a LOT of us are here because of Narcissistic abuse, so this is probably a good time to park this resource here....

Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families

"Courage is being scared to death- but saddling up anyway."....John Wayne



If I asked you what you think is the biggest problem in your abusive relationship, would you say the biggest problem is that there are no boundaries or limits? Well, if that's what you think, you'd be wrong. 

You see, there are plenty of boundaries and limits in your relationship, and there always have been. The thing is, all the boundaries are one-way, and all the limits are on YOU. Are YOU free to voice your honest opinion, say whatever is on your mind, and do whatever you'd like to do? No? Well, your abuser is! Are YOU able to express your feelings of anger and upset, or to protest something you don't like? Of course not. But your abuser is! Can YOU let anything that pops into your head pop out of your mouth? No? Well, your abuser can! 

Do you have to think before you speak? Do you have to walk on eggshells? Why? Your abuser doesn't! Your abuser never had the slightest problem making it crystal clear to you just how she expects to be treated. And that's exactly how you treated her. You wouldn't dare do anything else. But how come nobody ever has to *****foot around YOU?

See, there were boundaries and limits all along. Set by your abuser, on YOU and YOUR behavior. And without even realizing it, you've been simply toeing the line all this time, adjusting everything you do, say, think, and feel in order to pacify your abuser, without ever requiring anything in return. 

Aren't you getting tired of always playing by somebody else's rules? Isn't it time for a two-way relationship with a little give-and-take? Are you ready to be an EQUAL player in this little game of dominance and control? Then maybe it's time to start having some requirements of your own, and to start setting some boundaries and limits of your own. In a balanced relationship, between equal adults, BOTH people share equally in setting the parameters.

And by the way, if you really want to know what the biggest problem is in your relationship, it's that the other person in your relationship is an ABUSER! Which means all bets are off. You can never expect anything normal and nice. Carrying on this relationship will be an uphill battle all the way. Still want to try? Well, then read on.....


Sister, did you know that God gave you the right to refuse to allow others to abuse you? Do you understand that it is not sinful or un-Christianlike to refuse to allow yourself or your loved ones to be exposed to destructive behavior?

You gladly put up with fools since you are so wise! In fact, you even put up with anyone who enslaves you or exploits you or takes advantage of you or pushes himself forward or slaps you in the face. To my shame I admit that we were too weak for that!....2 Corinthians 11:19-21 NIV 

Wow. Paul said that it’s okay with God if we stand up and defend ourselves from abuse! Does God actually want us to tell our parent or sibling that she is WRONG? And that what she is doing is EVIL? God not only wants us to speak up, he pretty much ORDERS us to speak up –

When I say to the wicked,'O wicked man, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man to turn from his ways and he does not do so, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself.....Ezekiel 33:8-9 NIV

Well, that seems pretty clear. But what if our relative won’t listen? Oh well, then he will have to suffer the consequences. Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned….Titus 3:10-11 NIV. Better a poor but wise youth than an old but foolish king who no longer knows how to take warning....Ecclesiastes 4:13 NIV

Having been raised to be people pleasers, brainwashed into feeling unworthy of love, caring or consideration, and indoctrinated into sacrificing for our relatives while burying our own needs and feelings, we have precious little experience in setting limits on the behavior of others. Defining our boundaries, protecting ourselves, informing our abusers what we will and will not tolerate, enforcing consequences for offensive behavior, and standing up to evil does not come naturally. At first, it feels very alien, and we find that we have to force ourselves to go beyond our comfort zone to do it. But in time, with some practice and the glorious grace of God, setting limits on our abusers will come more easily. And one day, it will be second nature, and we will be able to do it without feeling anxious or guilty.

Yes, our families made us feel unworthy of love and caring, but that’s just another one of the devil’s lies. Do you know that your real Father considers you to be so worthy of love and care that he sent his precious Son to die for you? So then, brethren, we are not children of the bondwoman but of the free...Galatians 4:31NKJV

Do you know that you belong to God, and not your birth-family? You are HIS child, not theirs anymore. Do you realize that God gives no man the right to abuse one of his children? Now I say that the heir, as long as he is a child, does not differ at all from a slave, though he is master of all, but is under guardians and stewards until the time appointed by the father. Even so we,when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world. But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, 'Abba, Father!' Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ. But then, indeed, when you did not know God, you served those which by nature are not gods. But now after you have known God, how is it that you turn again to the weak and beggardly elements, to which you desire again to be in bondage?....Galatians 4:1-9 NKJV 

Sister, are you ready to claim the freedom that is your birthright as a child of God? Are you ready to stand by His grace? Are you ready to live in peace as HIS daughter, rejoicing in your inheritance? Our Father wants to set you free. Will you let him? 

They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.....Psalm 129:2-4 NIV


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

*ACoAs – ACCEPTING & ACCESSING Emotions (Part 1)*

11/12/2014 dmtorbi https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2014/11/12/acoas-accept-access-emotions-part-1/


Accept Emotions -IT TAKES A LEAP OF FAITH
to believe it’s OK to have my feelings!

PREVIOUS: Ennea – Triad Emotions (Part 3)

REVIEW all posts: “What about Es // the Body & Es // ACoAs & Es // Repressing Es”

SITE: “...Why Feeling Bad is Actually Good”

QUOTE: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” ~ Sigmund Freud

ACoA have been conditioned to believe that having emotions is as evil as killing someone. (See 8 posts re. positive purposes for emotions). Also, people living with an intense mood disorder for a long time (panic d., obsessive-compulsive d., manic-depression, rage-aholism, paranoia….) tend to reject various emotions as unacceptable. Unfortunately, this can lead to some very dangerous behaviors such as self-harming, sexual acting out, addictions…..

• The popular field of Positive Psychology is sometimes used to justify pushing away ‘unfriendly’ emotions. This suits many people who do not want deal with their pain, partly because they never learned how to handle uncomfortable feelings.
— However “emotions, no matter how painful or dark, are natural expressions of what it means to be human. They all have a message for us that will ultimately lead to greater clarity, if acknowledged, contemplated, & not repressed. They are just like thoughts – merely symptoms of more deeply held beliefs, which must be fundamentally changed if we want to modify the experience of uncomfortable emotions.” Why Feeling Bad is Good”

ACCEPTANCE
In general, having access to all our Es is essential to being fully integrated & functioning well in the world. We should never expect to do this continually or ‘perfectly’*. It’s just important to accept all of them.
While it is sometimes necessary to have a bit of distance from our emotions or to even be temporarily shut down – as self-protection – long-term suppression causes bigger problems than whatever was being avoided in the first place.
• SO – it is our responsibility, as much as possible, to gently check in every day with ourselves, in order to keep track of what we’re feeling, on our own &/or with help. This gives us invaluable information about how well we’re taking care of our PMES & how safe or unsafe our environment is!

✶ Naturally we have to take into account the WIC’s over-reaction to people & situations, from stock-piled old wounds, & to our under-reaction from obeying the Toxic Messages, rather than our True Self. As we heal & develop our “Unit” we can usually tell the difference between historical vs present-day emotional responses to our environment (“Getting to our Es”)

• While we do want to aim for serenity & a balanced life, it’s not healthy to cover up painful emotions & harmful beliefs with a bunch of platitudes & ‘positive thinking’, especially without first cleaning out old pain accumulated from as far back as earliest childhood.

KEEP IN MIND that WE:
• can experience Emotions & not act on them at all
• can have our Es & find the right place to ‘get them out’
• will notice Es shifting from pain to pleasure – when hearing a kind word or being with an accepting, comforting friend, loved one or group
• change how we feel emotionally by coming to an aha moment, or by mentally understanding what’s going on with us

EXP: In her 30s Amy was dating a very ‘religious’ man who made it clear he did not approve of anger. For a few weeks Amy let this information slide, trying to be the person Carl wanted. When she began noticing aching joints not related to age or illness, she started searching for an internal cause. Finally Amy realized she was holding in her rage about being told not to have certain feelings, just like her religious parents had done. As soon as she put those pieces together – the joint pain disappeared!

Emotional intelligence (E.I., also called E.Q.) refers to our ability to understand & use emotional information to guide our thinking & behavior. E.I. includes:
Self-awareness: recognize internal feelings/emotions
Manage emotions: handle Es suitably, according to the situation
Motivation: use self-control to channel Es toward a goal
Empathy: understand emotional perspective/experiences of others, especially if different from ours
Handle relationships: use information about self & others to appropriately manage social relationships & develop healthy interpersonal skills (MORE……)

• Researchers are beginning to develop tests that can measure emotional intelligence. It seems obvious that — people with high E.I. have greater mental health, show great job performance, & usually work well in cooperative situations, being good at motivating & managing others,
— people with low E.I. have low(er) self-esteem, often misinterpret emotional signals, have difficulty with relationships & are not as motivated to be cooperative or perform well in work situations.

Although E.I. probably has an inherited component, many psychologists believe that people can be guided into making better use of the E.I. they were born with but which is as yet under/undeveloped.

NEXT: ACoAs – ACCESSING our Emotions (Part 2)


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I was reading some of what I posted ealier and really saw some of these patterns in me. ugh... I hate looking I the mirror. Frustrates the stew out of me. I don't like being broken.



Blossom Leigh said:


> https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2013/08/02/people-should-treat-me-better-but-i-wont-let-them/
> 
> 
> *People Should Treat Me Better – But I Won’t Let Them*
> ...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

AH HA!!!! Found a plausible link to the search for why I take my foot off the gas fast when I start experiencing success. The excitement of success can trigger brain responses as if I'm in a trauma event and my brain sends signals to self protect... Aka, take the foot off the gas and withdraw. And it happens fast. I knew this thing felt triggery. I had this weird combination of obvious confidence and competence, but then all of a sudden would totally shrink back. I had two people tell me I gave a confidence problem. Well, now I know that wasnt wholly accurate, I have a tauma trigger during the excitement of success that short circuits my confidence, triggering a flight response. Now, how the hell I fix that, I have no friggen idea, but it is a relief to know my "confidence issue" wasn't that at all. Happy!!! Now off to figure out how to kick the trigger in the butt 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/201101/fear-success


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> AH HA!!!! Found a plausible link to the search for why I take my foot off the gas fast when I start experiencing success. The excitement of success can trigger brain responses as if I'm in a trauma event and my brain sends signals to self protect... Aka, take the foot off the gas and withdraw. And it happens fast. I knew this thing felt triggery. I had this weird combination of obvious confidence and competence, but then all of a sudden would totally shrink back. I had two people tell me I gave a confidence problem. Well, now I know that wasnt wholly accurate, I have a tauma trigger during the excitement of success that short circuits my confidence, triggering a flight response. Now, how the hell I fix that, I have no friggen idea, but it is a relief to know my "confidence issue" wasn't that at all. Happy!!! Now off to figure out how to kick the trigger in the butt
> 
> https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/201101/fear-success


And just the success of finding this trigger is triggering the response. Wow....

Hope this helps one of you.. @ IMFarAboveRubies this may play into your relationship with success as well. Does yours feel triggery?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Best definition of Boundaries I have seen so far..

Boundaries*- Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Zanne said:


> Hey @Blossom Leigh, good stuff here. Thanks for sharing it! As an ACOA myself, I see so much that I still need to work on. I'll keep reading, but I wanted to share that I've also experienced the backing off of success in my life. In fact, I often aim low (i.e., easy and low-paying jobs) because it's safe. Interesting stuff! Always a work in progress! LOL


Very Welcome Girl. That's the area I'm focused on now. The abandonment thing hardly ever crosses my mind now. But this success thing needs work.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Hey... by the way a LOT of us are here because of Narcissistic abuse, so this is probably a good time to park this resource here....


It just occurred me that there is a lot of overlap between ACOAs and Adult Children of Narcissists. Thanks for all the content here. Very helpful.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> It just occurred me that there is a lot of overlap between ACOAs and Adult Children of Narcissists. Thanks for all the content here. Very helpful.


Totally agree... hang on a sec and I've got an article for that you just reminded me to post here...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Found it:

http://www.alanrappoport.com/pdf/Co-Narcissism Article.pdf


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> And just the success of finding this trigger is triggering the response. Wow....
> 
> Hope this helps one of you.. @ IMFarAboveRubies this may play into your relationship with success as well. Does yours feel triggery?


I do get overwhelmed easily when I have a deadline, or too many things that have to happen together. The next time I just don't want to do the thing at all, because it was too stressful, and I fear my family will resent me for taking the time to do it enough times that I no longer feel stress.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I do get overwhelmed easily when I have a deadline, or too many things that have to happen together. The next time I just don't want to do the thing at all, because it was too stressful, and I fear my family will resent me for taking the time to do it enough times that I no longer feel stress.


I do too. In fact if I cannot envision a way forward I won't touch it. 

Though lately I'm learning to shake off some things and rock and roll anyway. So definitely some progress. Had a great week this week at my real estate group. Especially considering that it's a high turnover position and I am the ONLY rep performing. The rest are literally doing nothing and one just quit.


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