# One step away from straying



## urbanguysg (Sep 17, 2012)

I am in a great dilemma. I don't know which step to take anymore.

I am married for 11 years and have 3 kids (4,7,9 yrs old). The relationship that I have with my wife was not good. We were constantly quarreling over the smallest issues. We get into very heated quarrels and sometimes ended with blood shed. However, after a few days of cold war, we get back as if nothing happened before. This has been going on for the past 11 years. Don't ask me how we manage to stay together till "now".

Generally, if you ask me to describe our moments throughout our relationship, it will be 80% Sad, 10% Happy, 10% Don't think I am married.

Recently, in one of the heated arguments, I actually chased her out of the house and asked her never to return (I have been guilty of this for many occasions). She left, of course.

I knew at that moment, it will be game over for us and its true. She is bent on divorce except for the kids issues left unsettled. This caused some form of delay in separation procedure. Also during this time, looking back at the relationship, I wanted to give the marriage a last try. She objected violently and said she couldn't live with me anymore. I know its for real this time. 

Finally, we leave our relationship dangling this way. We still stay together but she slept in her room while I slept in mine. However, situation seems to turned from cold to lukewarm. Sometimes, we managed to talk 1 or 2 sentences compared to zero for the past many days-weeks.

I thought reconciliation may be possible. We even went for a family road trip together. However, we talked less then 10 sentences during the 3 day 2 nights. I supposed this trip was for the kids. 

At the last day of the trip, she decided to do some cloth shopping. As it was late, she cut short the shopping and I told her that we can come back the next day for more shopping. We did go back the next day for more shopping. That day was good because we talked alot. She even say I can be put on "probation".

She don't allow me to touch her, not even holding her hands. She shunned all my effort in getting close to her. It has been 2 weeks and now she still refuse to let me get close to her. Strictly no body contact and she really get mad over my initiative. 

It was very miserable for me. I have alot of thoughts pondering in my mind. 
Did she shop with me knowing that I will pay for all her purchases? (noting that the past few shopping cost me a few thousand dollar. I even bought her a Gucci bag during her birthday (just a few days ago). 

I do not know where I stand right now. I am a man. I have sexual needs as well. I don't know what should I do? I did not have sex with her for the past 3-4 months. I am afraid that I may also lose feeling for her.

To be honest, to curb my sexual appetite, I actually relent to visiting porn site and constantly masturbating (for one whole week). I know its wrong and that God (I am a Christian) will be very upset. I mustered up my courage and make a decision to confess my sins to God. I stop the habit since last Friday. Just barely a few days, I am have the urge to go back to my habit. 

I am really struggling right now. What should I do? The urge for sex is getting stronger and stronger. And my wife is rejecting all my appeal of sex. I am like sinking into depression now. I have very frequent mood swing and I couldn't seems like able to concentrate on anything. This started to affect my career and my relation with the kids. I lost control of my behavior occasionally.

I am just a step away from visiting hookers to satisfy my sexual needs. I am in great distress now. And I need to answer to God.

Can someone advice me what to do?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Get in to IC. You can not be flying off the handle at anyone simply because there is a lack of sex. Need a better excuse then that. 

But it sounds like you are in need of some meds to help with the depression (anger is part of depression) and I would stop taking her shopping and paying for it. She is either your wife there for you provide or she can provide for her self. Do not be a doormat to a woman who refuses to be your wife and work on the R but wants all the perks....IDK I just got a little angry for you. Hope the other TAM people have better advise.


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## urbanguysg (Sep 17, 2012)

Right now, she has blocked me in facebook and whatspp. I am out of her social network.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

You act like a jackass and then whine about your needs and her not having sex with you? Why would she want to have sex with you? You think buying her clothes entitles you to sex?


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## urbanguysg (Sep 17, 2012)

Drover said:


> You act like a jackass and then whine about your needs and her not having sex with you? Why would she want to have sex with you? You think buying her clothes entitles you to sex?


I don't mean that. Legally, I am married to her and of course, sex is part of the package. I am deprived of that and yet all I can do nothing. Am I suppose to live a life of living widow?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

urbanguysg said:


> I don't mean that. Legally, I am married to her and of course, sex is part of the package. I am deprived of that and yet all I can do nothing. Am I suppose to live a life of living widow?


No you're supposed to stop acting like a jackass and act like a husband. If you do that, maybe eventually she'll want sex with you. If you're not going to do that and not going to wait until she decides that, then you should put an end to your marriage.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

urbanguysg said:


> I don't mean that. Legally, I am married to her and of course, sex is part of the package. I am deprived of that and yet all I can do nothing. Am I suppose to live a life of living widow?


Part of the package also includes treating her with respect, not being violent, and working out your issues (both of you)

You can't pick and choose what part of the "package" you are entitled to. Sorry, doesn't work that way.

Legally, you are still married to her. So visiting a hooker breaks that, doesn't it???


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## urbanguysg (Sep 17, 2012)

Drover said:


> No you're supposed to stop acting like a jackass and act like a husband. If you do that, maybe eventually she'll want sex with you. If you're not going to do that and not going to wait until she decides that, then you should put an end to your marriage.


Thats where the dilemma is. On one hand, I am trying to convince myself that there is hope in the marriage, on the other hand, I was contemplating fulfillment of my sexual needs.


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## urbanguysg (Sep 17, 2012)

deejov said:


> Part of the package also includes treating her with respect, not being violent, and working out your issues (both of you)
> 
> You can't pick and choose what part of the "package" you are entitled to. Sorry, doesn't work that way.
> 
> Legally, you are still married to her. So visiting a hooker breaks that, doesn't it???


Yes you are right to a certain extend. I am facing a mental warfare right now. I couldn't think straight and all I could imagine was "what if".


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

urbanguysg said:


> Thats where the dilemma is. On one hand, I am trying to convince myself that there is hope in the marriage, on the other hand, I was contemplating fulfillment of my sexual needs.


So you can't decide if your marriage is worth a few months of your time to work on and have a chance at fixing? If this is really a dilemma get out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Drover said:


> You act like a jackass and then whine about your needs and her not having sex with you? Why would she want to have sex with you? You think buying her clothes entitles you to sex?


No kidding!!! I was thinking the same thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

urbanguysg said:


> Yes you are right to a certain extend. I am facing a mental warfare right now. I couldn't think straight and all I could imagine was "what if".


Visiting a hooker breaks the marriage vows... completely, not to a certain extent. 

You are violent, chase your wife, the mother of your children, out of the house on more than one occassion. And now all you can think of is that you are going to get sex even if it means going to a hooker.

Do your wife a favor and divorce her. Give her a chance to find a man who cares about her.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

urbanguysg said:


> I am just a step away from visiting hookers to satisfy my sexual needs. I am in great distress now. And I need to answer to God.
> 
> Can someone advice me what to do?


Start loving your wife


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Wow, there's so much you need to do about yourself to remotely think about sex. You're complaining about 3-4 months??? Get over yourself. I went a year and a half at the end of my first marriage. not that I didn't masturbate, probably every day of that year and a half LOL. 1. God will forgive you if you masturbate. Have at it and meet your girlfriend righty and your mistress lefty. I'm being serious. This will remove the tension so you can focus on what REALLY matters.

Fixing yourself. Don't even worry about your marriage. If there's blood shed and you chasing her and screaming etc. You have issues. Get into IC and work on it. You can tell your wife. "I don't know where we as husband and wife stand, but I know I haven't been a great person for much of this marriage. I'm seeking counseling. If we are together...great. If not, so be it. I still have to fix myself before I can address anything else."


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Arguments that end in bloodshed? I hope you werent hitting her. I also think that when a woman checks out you dont get sex. Mine seems to have checked out.


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