# This was new to me ..... Need help



## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Hi all,

To understand the following post I'll give some background.

I am 31 , W 30, married for almost 4 years and a kid of almost 3 years.
My wife never had a lot of sexual desire, rather almost has no desire, because of the cultural background where she was told from Childhood that Sex is something which a Girl should never do, and she strongly believes that if she has to do it then has to do it only for the husband, and should take minimum part in the sex.
I don't want to go in a long detail, but in short, she doesn't like to have sex but for me sex is very very very important.

Sometimes she gives me a so called HJ, but she always keeps lying down in the bed on my side with her eyes closed and one arm on her eyes, and the other hand stretched to my d*ck and rub it, mostly my d*ick being inside the underwear. I have always asked her to take more interest, atleast sit up so that I can feel she is involved in it rather than just giving me a feeling that she hates it and just wants to get over with it.
I always hatted it but come on, mostly thats the BEST sex I can get so I always took it, but yesterday, there was something new.

I gave her an orgasm with my hand (I am ready to give oral but she won't take it) and then she was trying to give me one with her hand in upmentioned style. I once again asked her to sit up and show some interest but she simply said, no I can't do that. But suddenly while she was rubbing me I completely LOST my seduction. I rather started hating her touching me. and just asked her to take her hand away and I just didn't even want to look at her or talk to her.

This was totally new to me. Can anybody help, what the hell is happening to me???

P.S. I have talked to my wife about our unhealthy and boring sex life, and me not being satisfied. The problem is yet to be resolved.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

question, if you knew her ethnical background and you knew how she was brought up in this manner, why did you marry her if you don't accept her beliefs?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

roostr said:


> question, if you knew her ethnical background and you knew how she was brought up in this manner, why did you marry her if you don't accept her beliefs?


This....maybe some mc? 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

roostr said:


> question, if you knew her ethnical background and you knew how she was brought up in this manner, why did you marry her if you don't accept her beliefs?


We share the BELIEFS and there is nothing in the belief that you can not have fun and good sex with your spouse. 

And to answer that question, it was an arranged marriage (Lets not talk about that, because I don't want to detract the discussion).


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> But suddenly while she was rubbing me I completely LOST my seduction. I rather started hating her touching me. and just asked her to take her hand away and I just didn't even want to look at her or talk to her.
> 
> This was totally new to me. Can anybody help, what the hell is happening to me???


Hi
I think if it becomes forced or planned then we can go from hot to luke warm or cold. Sex is not just physical but involves the mind an emotions, if a part is missing then the whole thing might ground to a stop. 

My view is that it isn't about finding a fault, but trying something different, something new. If we spend time finding the broken part we head off in a different direction. I am not suggesting you are, but hope this addresses what I think is the question you are asking.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'd suggest some individual counseling for her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How did she react when you told her to stop, effectively rejecting her? I'm wondering if it was a "learning" moment for her.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

I hope it was, she was like, "Why what happened?" But I was too disturbed and just closed my eyes and said, "Nothing I just lost it and not feeling it any more", and then she said, "You think alot". Then she put her hand on my chest and I kept lying there.
I am not sure about the last time but before that if I ever say "No" after something like that, she feels relieved and sleeps comfortably. But last time it was early in the morning and she could go to sleep, but in a few minutes she started acting like, as if NOTHING HAPPENED. ...........
I am totally confused not about her behavior as it is totally expected and she has explicitly mentioned many times that she doesn't have as much sexual desire as I have, but I am worried what the hell happened to me. I had almost never said no to sex in my life before. Even if I don't want I do it anyways but last time the feeling was so strong that I lost the seduction, and erection and just didn't want to touch her or neither wanted her to touch me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Nothing to be worried about on your part. It's hard to keep it up with a woman who clearly is not that into you. Personally I would probably move to a different bedroom. Show her through your actions that this is a serious problem. She's not taking it seriously at all. She thinks the whole thing is your problem and no big deal. She knows you'll never leave no matter how she treats you, and she's probably right in that respect. So you just need to find a way to cope.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi
> My view is that it isn't about finding a fault, but trying something different, something new. If we spend time finding the broken part we head off in a different direction. I am not suggesting you are, but hope this addresses what I think is the question you are asking.


I agree with you, but the problem is she WON'T EXPERIMENT ANYTHING. I am NOT ALLOWED to give her Oral, She wouldn't even look at my d!ck and only allowed position is missionary or if, if if she is feeling it then she would ride me BUT WITHOUT INSERTING .... just rubbing. Even if I ask to insert she would just say NO.

So she is NOT open to any experiment or change. Its becoming boring its very simple, I give her orgasm with my fingers, and sometimes touching and even fewer time sucking her nipples and then after she has the orgasm, She would lie down completely static, closed eyes, mostly with a face saying (Get over it) and I have to come over for missionary, Once I am done, then simply I have to go to washroom and then she'll go to washroom .......then thats it as if, HER JOB IS OVER.
Did I mention we have never ever used tongue or open mouth while kissing.
And in upmentioned SO CALLED HANDJOB if I ask her to kiss me anywhere in the body including my face, the answer will be "NO".


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> I hope it was, she was like, "Why what happened?" But I was too disturbed and just closed my eyes and said, "Nothing I just lost it and not feeling it any more", and then she said, "You think alot". Then she put her hand on my chest and I kept lying there.
> I am not sure about the last time but before that if I ever say "No" after something like that, she feels relieved and sleeps comfortably. But last time it was early in the morning and she could go to sleep, but in a few minutes she started acting like, as if NOTHING HAPPENED. ...........
> I am totally confused not about her behavior as it is totally expected and she has explicitly mentioned many times that she doesn't have as much sexual desire as I have, but I am worried what the hell happened to me. I had almost never said no to sex in my life before. Even if I don't want I do it anyways but last time the feeling was so strong that I lost the seduction, and erection and just didn't want to touch her or neither wanted her to touch me.


this is your body rejecting her.

have a talk with her about how her advoidance/disgust towords your body(penis) make you feel undesired and how your sex lfe is starting to be unfullfilling. tell her sex and marriage are beautiful and that god would want you guys to be the best lovers you can be to each other. ask her if she is willing to try to make sex better for both of you .


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> I agree with you, but the problem is she WON'T EXPERIMENT ANYTHING. I am NOT ALLOWED to give her Oral, She wouldn't even look at my d!ck and only allowed position is missionary or if, if if she is feeling it then she would ride me BUT WITHOUT INSERTING .... just rubbing. Even if I ask to insert she would just say NO.
> 
> So she is NOT open to any experiment or change. Its becoming boring its very simple, I give her orgasm with my fingers, and sometimes touching and even fewer time sucking her nipples and then after she has the orgasm, She would lie down completely static, closed eyes, mostly with a face saying (Get over it) and I have to come over for missionary, Once I am done, then simply I have to go to washroom and then she'll go to washroom .......then thats it as if, HER JOB IS OVER.
> Did I mention we have never ever used tongue or open mouth while kissing.
> And in upmentioned SO CALLED HANDJOB if I ask her to kiss me anywhere in the body including my face, the answer will be "NO".


forget my previous post. this is something for the professionals.
she has some serious hang up about sex sorry dude your in for a long haul if you want this to change.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> forget my previous post. this is something for the professionals.
> she has some serious hang up about sex sorry dude your in for a long haul if you want this to change.


I'm not an expert either but some that reject sex like that have been sexually abused in the past you should read up on that.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Personally I would probably move to a different bedroom. Show her through your actions that this is a serious problem.


I have tried that, sleeping other bedroom, actually she prefers that, and if I sleep in the other bedroom, she likes and sleeps even better. the only thing she wants is if she is not being able to sleep then she wants me to rub her back and then she sleeps, after that she prefers if I sleep in another room 

There is no need of showing as if it is a very serious problem, because I have actually clearly mentioned it to her that "IT IS A VERY VERY VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM AND IT IS EFFECTING OUR RELATIONSHIP BADLY, AND MY INTEREST IN YOU IS DECREASING EVERYDAY. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT OR I DON'T THINK ITS WORKING."



WorkingOnMe said:


> She's not taking it seriously at all. She thinks the whole thing is your problem and no big deal.


You are 100% right about that, and she has said it many times that she has no interest in sex, may be once in a month or in two months and thats it otherwise sex is just my problem, and she thinks there is nothing wrong. She lets me get off, once in one or two weeks, and if I get ejaculation once in a week or two weeks, no matter how, then she thinks her JOB IS DONE.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

tom67 said:


> I'm not an expert either but some that reject sex like that have been sexually abused in the past you should read up on that.


I have, and there is nothing like that. (I mean being sexually abused in the past) But there is one really abnormal thing I have seen in her family, I have known her family for almost 4 years now, and I have stayed at her parents home many times, but I have never seen her parents sleeping in the same room, they have their own rooms and sleep separate. And I have never even seen them sitting together, just themselves.

I have discussed me being not satisfied with our sex, and her reply was, "I have talked to my mom and my sister about it, and they also say that we don't want to have sex either and do it only for our husbands." I have thought to talk to her sister's husband about their sex life, to get a view, if they have the same issues or not.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> I have tried that, sleeping other bedroom, actually she prefers that, and if I sleep in the other bedroom, she likes and sleeps even better. the only thing she wants is if she is not being able to sleep then she wants me to rub her back and then she sleeps, after that she prefers if I sleep in another room


Because you're the butler. The butler comes in and rubs the mistress's back. He doesn't sleep with her.



needyForHelp said:


> There is no need of showing as if it is a very serious problem, because I have actually clearly mentioned it to her that "IT IS A VERY VERY VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM AND IT IS EFFECTING OUR RELATIONSHIP BADLY, AND MY INTEREST IN YOU IS DECREASING EVERYDAY. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT OR I DON'T THINK ITS WORKING."


Wrong. There are two kinds of communication, verbal and non-verbal. You are verbally telling her that you have a problem. Non-verbally, you are telling her that everything is fine. You are giving her exactly what she wants (infrequent sex, sleeping in another room, etc.) You have given her the power in your relationship. So, she ignores your words and pays attention to your actions. If your actions were consistent with your words, then she would believe you.



needyForHelp said:


> You are 100% right about that, and she has said it many times that she has no interest in sex, may be once in a month or in two months and thats it otherwise sex is just my problem, and she thinks there is nothing wrong.


That's because to her, everything is great. She wants sex once a month, and she gets sex once a month. Mission accomplished. She's willing to give you two handjobs a month, and you're willing to accept two handjobs a month. Perfect match. From her perspective, there's no reason to change.

The only way you will change her actions is to stop accepting them. If you demand sex once a week, then she will either have sex once a week, or she will divorce you. She might go either way. But at least you won't be having sex once a month.

Good luck.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

I have even asked her, that she should wear nice beautiful clothes, I love jewelry so she should wear jewelry, so that I shouldn't be looking at girls outside, as they do attract me alot, and her answer was, sure you may look at them and get attracted to them, but I don't feel beautiful so I don't want to accessories my self. ............ I was totally shocked and stunned and couldn't say anything.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> I have even asked her, that she should wear nice beautiful clothes, I love jewelry so she should wear jewelry, so that I shouldn't be looking at girls outside, as they do attract me alot, and her answer was, sure you may look at them and get attracted to them, but I don't feel beautiful so I don't want to accessories my self. ............ I was totally shocked and stunned and couldn't say anything.


That's sad, but it's not surprising. She doesn't want to have sex with you. She's not attracted to you. She's giving you permission to lust after other women. She will probably give you permission to have sex with other women. As long as you don't bother her for sex.

I don't know if you can draw her attraction, or not. But, you need to run Athol's MAP to try to. And you need to decide if you are willing to divorce her over this issue.

Good luck.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

IF you are religious you should arrange an appointment with a priest and he should explain to her that the marriage bed is MEANT for mutual enjoyment. Maybe she needs an 'authority figure' to tell this. 

As for her mother and sister, she is not married to them, she's married to you. You as her husband are unhappy and that should very much concern her! No wonder you got turned off! She makes no attempt, and that is not loving. 

All aspects of a marriage should be worked on together. She seems a little immature for her age. 

Is there divorce in your culture?


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Is there divorce in your culture?


Well divorce is a HUGE thing in my culture, but its not something IMPOSSIBLE or ILLEGAL. Secondly I don't live in that culture.
But I can't divorce her, because I don't want to lose my daughter. I don't want my daughter to suffer for this. It would just kill me.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Well not trying to get sympathies, but just putting some facts down, 

I am the one who is full time working, she is a full time SAHM. But still I help her in cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the baby. 

Well Explained 



PHTlump said:


> Because you're the butler. The butler comes in and rubs the mistress's back. He doesn't sleep with her.


I know that all qualifies, for being a "Butler" but when we got married, I thought to give the best to my wife, but it looks like now she takes me for granted.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> I am the one who is full time working, she is a full time SAHM. But still I help her in cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the baby.


So, your wife really has no need of your help. Sure, an occasional hand, especially with the baby would be appropriate. But a competent SAHM with one child should be able to cook, clean, and take care of the child. The fact that you regularly help with her chores just marks you for a chump. I know that wasn't your intention. It's just the reality that you have to wake up to.



needyForHelp said:


> I know that all qualifies, for being a "Butler" but when we got married, I thought to give the best to my wife, but it looks like now she takes me for granted.


Right. Look, if you're going to get grudging sex once a month, then why are you busting your ass for it? Match her level of effort. Bust your ass for your kid. Screw your wife (figuratively).


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Well I agree with you that I need to do less, and I shouldn't bust my ass, but I have a very strong urge to make her happy. Not just her, but I have to make everyone happy. I know its a problem but I can't help it. 
If I don't do what I do to help her in house hold then she would cry, and not even talk to me for days. I know it sounds like a pus$y talking but, dunno what to do. I have alot to go through whole day and I can't just make more tension and frustration at home also. I need some time in the day where I can relax and I believe its home which is supposed to be a place to relax, and for me mental relaxation is more important than lying down on my back. So if me working my ass off and get tired but that makes it sure that she would keep on talking to me and won't give me a mental torture then I just keep doing it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

needyForHelp said:


> I have even asked her, that she should wear nice beautiful clothes, I love jewelry so she should wear jewelry, so that I shouldn't be looking at girls outside, as they do attract me alot, and her answer was, sure you may look at them and get attracted to them, but I don't feel beautiful so I don't want to accessories my self. ............ I was totally shocked and stunned and couldn't say anything.


She has no self esteem and may think you don't like the looks of her body. I think there is self esteem issues on her part.

Also, your wife has no idea how important this is to you. Even coming from a different culture, I had no idea how important sex was to a man. My husband quit asking and after 8 months I noticed. A couple years prior I had a massive neck injury/surgery and it didn't help the pain, so I needed time to accept this new life. Meanwhile, I had no idea what I was doing to my husband. I couldn't help myself wondering why he stopped perusing me.

I finally understood why, but my drive for sex was super high myself due to my age. Now I want it more then my husband. I did not intentionally hurt my husbands feelings.

I don't know how to solve your issue, but coming from a woman myself. I had no clue how important this was to a man until 10 1/2 years after we married and I read it online. Plus, I experience these feelings myself. If your wife thinks her body is bad in some way, this will make it more difficult. A lot of us woman worry a lot about our own bodies and what our husbands think.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> She has no self esteem and may think you don't like the looks of her body. I think there is self esteem issues on her part.


Well she has put on almost 125 pounds since we got married and she was not a skinny girl when we got married she was already 180 pounds and in last less than 4 years now she is 306 pounds. It worries her, I am OK with that, look wise but I am concerned about her health. She worries about that ALOT but doesn't let me talk about it, if I talk about it and try to help her by asking to join gym together or do something, she takes it as if it is her insult and gets hurt and angry. 

But she mentions it herself and says because of this I don't feel myself attractive and don't want to put on any jewelry or nice clothes.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> Well I agree with you that I need to do less, and I shouldn't bust my ass, but I have a very strong urge to make her happy. Not just her, but I have to make everyone happy. I know its a problem but I can't help it.


Of course you can help it. You have free will. You can choose to do something, or not do something, and then carry out that decision. You're just choosing to cater to your wife.



needyForHelp said:


> If I don't do what I do to help her in house hold then she would cry, and not even talk to me for days. I know it sounds like a pus$y talking but, dunno what to do.


You make a decision. You man up, be a husband, and lead her, or you can continue to be her butler.



needyForHelp said:


> So if me working my ass off and get tired but that makes it sure that she would keep on talking to me and won't give me a mental torture then I just keep doing it.


So, you've made your decision. You're going to continue being her butler. That's fine with me. You will have a relatively peaceful, and sexless, household. If that's what works for you, then great.

However, I suggest you stop posting on forums such as this. It's a waste of time. Over the last two months, you've started four threads asking for advice on how to make your marriage sexual. And when you get advice, you reject it all so that you can continue to be your wife's butler and your wife can continue to reject you sexually. At this point, I think you're just trolling.

I understand that you are in an arranged marriage with a woman who was never attracted to you. That is tragic. You have my sympathy. But, my sympathy only goes so far. If you are unwilling to take any action to change your status quo, then good luck. Maybe your wife will have a miraculous change of heart. I doubt it, but maybe you're willing to pray for change. You wouldn't have to actually change any of your behaviors, just wish really hard. Good luck with that strategy.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So, you've made your decision. You're going to continue being her butler. That's fine with me. You will have a relatively peaceful, and sexless, household. If that's what works for you, then great.


Thanks for you response, but I don't agree about a few points.

I haven't made this decision of living like a butler, I was trying to explain, WHY I USED TO BE LIKE THIS. And actually I have made my mind and decision (Mostly because of all the discussion and suggestions given on TAM) that I am not gonna be a butler anymore and I actually am working on it. The transition is going right now, its being a bit difficult but I am going through it right now. 



PHTlump said:


> However, I suggest you stop posting on forums such as this. It's a waste of time. Over the last two months, you've started four threads asking for advice on how to make your marriage sexual. And when you get advice, you reject it all so that you can continue to be your wife's butler and your wife can continue to reject you sexually. At this point, I think you're just trolling.


I am sorry if you got that impression but it is not true, I take TAM to be a serious forum to discuss serious issues in my life, and I take all the suggestions VERY VERY VERY seriously. And actually it has helped me since I have joined it. And I don't reject the advises, I just try to clear the ambiguities I might have so that nothing gets backfired at me.



PHTlump said:


> I understand that you are in an arranged marriage with a woman who was never attracted to you. That is tragic. You have my sympathy. But, my sympathy only goes so far. If you are unwilling to take any action to change your status quo, then good luck. Maybe your wife will have a miraculous change of heart. I doubt it, but maybe you're willing to pray for change. You wouldn't have to actually change any of your behaviors, just wish really hard. Good luck with that strategy.


I appreciate the efforts done by all the people at TAM and out of them especially you, because I have found your advises to be very to the point and exact. So again my apologies if I gave you a wrong impression.

And yes I WANT TO BREAK THE STATUS QUO. And I am working on it, but I understand it can not happen over night it will take time. And I am damn sure no miracle is gonna happen. If something is suppose to happen then I WILL HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN myself.

Being in an arranged marriage might be difficult for me, because of my personal attitude and mindset but its not something I have seen for the first time. 

So *PHTlump* please don't take me as one just trolling, but a serious guy with a very serious issue, and who wants to improve and have a good healthy married life.

Once again please accept my apologies if I gave a wrong impression. And I would be looking forward to your beneficial advises.


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

is some type of counseling available through your church?


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

farside said:


> is some type of counseling available through your church?


Not sure but I would prefer a professional (Psychiatrist or Marriage counselor) instead of church. 

But I need to find one and then convince my wife to go for the sessions. Haven't tried it before so I don't know what is the process to get sessions, in the country I live.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> And yes I WANT TO BREAK THE STATUS QUO. And I am working on it, but I understand it can not happen over night it will take time. And I am damn sure no miracle is gonna happen. If something is suppose to happen then I WILL HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN myself.


Fair enough. I misunderstood your post. I thought you were just trying to justify your service to her and rationalize why you shouldn't change. Some men will do that, even when faced with reality.

Your new reality is like the red pill from the Matrix. You thought the world worked one way, and now you're finding out it's completely different. You've been dreaming up until now. Some men will react to that by refusing to accept it and trying to go back to the dream. The smart ones will accept the new reality and try to live accordingly. Maybe you'll get your butt kicked. Maybe you'll be a great success. But, at least you'll have your eyes open and understand what is happening.



needyForHelp said:


> Once again please accept my apologies if I gave a wrong impression. And I would be looking forward to your beneficial advises.


No need to apologize. If your prior posts were just your way of identifying your problems and a strategy for dealing with them, then great. That's what we're here for. I'm glad that's your attitude. There's nothing sadder than a man in a sexless marriage who simply pines away hoping that more of the same behavior will somehow change things. Men of action are exciting. Men of action have a chance to succeed.

Good luck.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

I don't know if it was because of what I have been doing (Changed behaviour trying to be a bit more Alpha, and also rejecting her, giving me HJ), or what something I said is working. But it is working last night my wife kinda initiated it, although we did the normal procedure which we always do, but I could see her involvement in it, and I believe it helped her to have a HUGE orgasm too. But I am happy that it improved and hopefully it was not only one time thing and then she comes back to normal, if it remains then I hope I can introduce other new techniques in the bed.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Can anybody help me with another question. I didn't want to start a new thread.

Q) How can I increase my wife's libido and how can I convince her to get Oral from me?


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