# I should man up and divorce. Right guys?



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Sorry for long post.

We have been married for 4 years. perfect marriage. We never argue or disagree on anything. We fight once or twice a year maximum and in these fights, the police has to be called because my wife gets too angry and start throwing everything on the walls and brake anything she can get her hands on and threaten that she will kill her self. And they usually take her to the mental health hospital for a night or two and thats all because of her having and been diagnosed by having borderline disorder.

The past 3 months we been having many fights, once or twice a month but small fights and she would end up sleeping in other room or I do. We are not used to have this many fights at all and I have been feeling that someone else is in her life.

We had our last fight a week ago, she got very angry and throw her rings on me and said we got to divorce. I was very hurt from the fans things she said about me and I said fine I will print the divorce papers and file it tomorrow.

Came next day and I feel bad to divorce her because of having mental illness which is borderline disorder so I went talked to her and told her I don’t want us to brake up, I love you and I want us to continue on things we started tougher and for the sake of our step daughters (no children together) I told her I understand about your diagnoses and think you should take your meds again and get pro advice. She said she would love to do that and after that, she said I have to tell you I have a crush on a guy that work with her and she has been having it for 4 months and she has a crush on one of her girl friends as well. She said she didn’t try to talk or have any relations with any of them and didn’t try to act up on her feeling. I got silent didn’t know what to say or d and walked away.

I researched if its okay for married ppl to have crushes at work and every where it said that is very normal and it usually take few weeks and goes away and one should try to move on that crush asap.

Few hours later I asked her if the crush on the guy the reason for her having hard times sleeping for the past 4 months and she said yes maybe, and she said maybe thats why she doesn’t enjoy sex with me anymore and she said she yes maybe. I asked her if she talked to her frieds about that crush and she said yes she told one of her friends about it. she said she doesn’t have the guy phone and she don’t even know if he is married or single and doesn’t talk with him much.

I told her I can’t live with you no longer and can’t sleep by you while you are having hardtiems sleeping because you are thinking of another dude and we got to end this because I can’t sweep all this under the carpet. and she said ok and she understand.

Then next day she went to work which was valentine day, and 2 hours after her shift started she texted me plz don’t file divorce and she offered me to quit her job in 2 months because she has a contract.

I think she went to work and something happened at work on that valentine day that made her change her mind about the guy. I think she was expecting him to buy her flowers or something and he didn’t. I think maybe she saw him carrying flowers or something made her think he is not available. Thats an emotional affair she had, I have crushes too but never lost sleep over no body and always moved on quick on my crushes and never felt the need to discuss my crush with friends or my wife. I think shes checked out long time ago and is gone too far in the heart.

I should man up and divorce, guys right?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

no i think you should stay in this marriage and be okay with plan B...sorry brother but you had me leaving the marriage when she started throwing things and you had to call the cops.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Her behavior makes it impossible to feel safe and happy with her. Add to that she is interested in someone else…yes, divorce while you can get out without kids!

You can still live someone but when their behavior is unacceptable - you shouldn’t stay.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There is no doubt that you need to end this, like yesterday.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gtfo 
Why would you stay with a BPD cheater? Are you crazy too?


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The children are yours, or hers?

What were the fights about? The ones where the police have been called? What was she saying/what were you saying in the fights?


----------



## One Eighty (Apr 30, 2018)

If this has been going on for months, it is HIGHLY unlikely that she has not had sex with him. Adults with feeling like this, they have sex. It is what they do. Why would you believe her when she says she didn't? Four months is a long time to be carrying on and still be platonic. She said she wanted a divorce. Believe her. Don't let her take that back. She meant it. 

It sounds like her mental health is deteriorating. This is possibly either a cause for her to have gotten into this inappropriate relationship or possible a result of the stress of being in an affair. They are very stressful to the participants as well as the victims, such as yourself.

Whether it is a cause or an effect, you have to protect yourself. Ask yourself, is this the kind of relationship I want? Do I deserve to be treated like this? Hopefully the answer to both is no.

Get out while you can. Quickly. There will be less damage to your finances the less time you are married. There will be more time to start over with someone new. Or time to just to get on with a happier life without this horrible situation as part of your daily life.

If you had been married for 30 years and now suddenly she was having a mental breakdown, I'd say maybe you owe it to her to help her out. Maybe. If she cheated like this you would still be best to divorce her but maybe keep in contact to do what you could to help her out. In the case of a 4 year marriage with no kids, just get out. No looking back.

You dodged a bullet here. Be thankful this happened now rather than after you had kids or decades of time together.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> no i think you should stay in this marriage and be okay with plan B...sorry brother but you had me leaving the marriage when she started throwing things and you had to call the cops.


She was going to kill her self and destroy the apartment. That's why I needed medical and police assistance. We have children in the house. I had to do that for everyone's safety..


Luckylucky said:


> The children are yours, or hers?
> 
> What were the fights about? The ones where the police have been called? What was she saying/what were you saying in the fights?


Her child only lives with us. She a use me of things I never did. She tells me weird things like I take her away from her friends (I her let her spend nights with friends and travel other states knowing she meeting girl friends) she tells me I don't let her check the mail alone because I would think she will cheat on her way!!!! Never ever talked or brought the subject of cheating together. Whenever she loss argument she make things up.

I just see it at the emotional affair that's why she is not enjoying anything with me. How are we supposed to work on our marriage while this person in her head. I don't know what to do with the information she gave me. she is flip flobing all over our marriage and me and children with what she call mental issues which actually is behavior and personality issues and is not mental like other diseases. she has borderline disorder.

Everyone develops crushes on friends and co-workers, and when that happens you keep it to yourself and it will pass. her work crush is beeing invasive to her daily tasks and she been losing sleep thinking of this guy for 4 months!!!!

The fact that she felt the need to act on it and talk to her friend about her crush means she's no longer wife material. never in our relationship have I questioned her integrity, loyalty or trust.

I'm a old fashioned and always voted family first. I'm sure that part of her personality is not new. That personality trait is not 'suddenly' born. A person who cheats on a marriage (even if it's just emotional cheating not actually having sex) and puts her family at risk is a very, very Selfish Person and Has Evidenced That Character Trait In Other Ways. She may not have cheated before but the "character" of a person who has cheats is present and is evidenced in other ways that I can't choose not to see, sweep under the rug. she's playing mind games, either maliciously, or because she doesn't know what's going on in her own head. Either way, i shouldn't tolerate it. I feel that im not a man anymore. so hurt.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@John18736 you deserve better. 
You don't have kids.

I know it must not be easy to think about divorce because you are here asking. But really? 

Could you work it out maybe. But I don't think you can turn her into a good person.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

So you wifed up a BPD single mother who is violent and cheats. Now you want to know what you should do? Run........... before you knock her up and are tied to her forever.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Married only 4 years and she’s already involved with another man? I hope you realize that you just received a partial confession. Usually when WW is involved in an affair, she starts fights with her husband to avoid intimacy. When they do have sex with their husband, it will be very mechanical. She will also usually avoid kissing and performing oral. That’s because having sex with you makes her feel guilty for cheating on her man.

Now throw in that your arguments get so out of control that she’s getting violent and the police have to get involved and that you have no kids together, then I have to ask, what is it you want to save?

Btw, the violence can come from her deep repulsion to you because she is completely on team other man.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Married only 4 years and she’s already involved with another man? I hope you realize that you just received a partial confession. Usually when WW is involved in an affair, she starts fights with her husband to avoid intimacy. When they do have sex with their husband, it will be very mechanical. She will also usually avoid kissing and performing oral. That’s because having sex with you makes her feel guilty for cheating on her man.
> 
> Now throw in that your arguments get so out of control that she’s getting violent and the police have to get involved and that you have no kids together, then I have to ask, what is it you want to save?
> 
> Btw, the violence can come from her deep repulsion to you because she is completely on team other man.


She is and has been always available for me anytime I want sex. Never in her life she refused sex even when we were in fights. As a matter of fact she always ask for sex way more than I do. I'm 40 and she is 33.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

She is a cheat and is violent. If you stay with her you will wake up one morning in a couple of years with your throat cut.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> She is a cheat and is violent. If you stay with her you will wake up one morning in a couple of years with your throat cut.


Emotional cheat. She never said he touched her. You are right, I always lock my bedroom when I sleep because I always thought she will stab me at some point.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"Everyone develops crushes on coworkers and friends". This is NOT true!

The word that comes to mind reading your relationship with this woman is toxic. 

Just don't see how you'd ever have any peace with such a person. How old is her daughter?


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

sideways said:


> "Everyone develops crushes on coworkers and friends". This is NOT true!
> 
> The word that comes to mind reading your relationship with this woman is toxic.
> 
> Just don't see how you'd ever have any peace with such a person. How old is her daughter?


Her daughter lives with us. She is 12 years old. Why don't you Google this and read what comes "do married people get romantic crushes" it's been said it's normal and natural.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just don’t let the pain of ending the relationship keep you from getting out of something that’s obviously a black cloud over your life.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

John18736 said:


> Her daughter lives with us. She is 12 years old. Why don't you Google this and read what comes "do married people get romantic crushes" it's been said it's normal and natural.


I'm not disagreeing that some people get crushes with coworkers and friends, but that's not what you said. You said "everyone" which is not true.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're in a tough spot. It doesn't sound like she has hardly any control over her own emotions. Have you ever talked to her psychologist or psychiatrist to find out if what she has is even treatable? When she has gone into the mental hospital if she has not come out with meds that help her then I don't think she's going to get better. 

She's going to be a roller coaster if she just keeps getting crushes on people just because she's mentally unstable. Most of those aren't ever going to do anything but cause her chaos at work and cause people to wonder what the hell's wrong with her at work and hurt her career for being so indiscriminate. 

So I'm afraid she's just going to be on a downward spiral. I wouldn't want to be on it with her. It's your personal decision and only you know what your capacity is there but I certainly wouldn't have any kids with her and would make sure she didn't accidentally get pregnant. Because then there will be no way out. 

Unless someone professional has given you a hope that she could get better, I would not stay in the middle of that. There's nothing that says you can't still care about her after you're in your own separate place and don't have to fight with her and worry about other relationships. Sorry you're going through that.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

John18736 said:


> Her daughter lives with us. She is 12 years old. Why don't you Google this and read what comes "do married people get romantic crushes" it's been said it's normal and natural.


So it is normal I guess. I haven't had a crush on a co-worker but I can see that. What isn't normal is detaching from your spouse. Yelling, throwing things. Needing to lock your door. None of that is normal.

Nurturing the crush instead of fighting it isn't normal (unless you count the cheaters).

She isn't being fair to you and no you shouldn't give it another go.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude, the first thing you need to understand is that she's not going to get better. She's going to get worse as she ages.

Is either you or her fixed? I ask because, since you are active sexually, why would you take a chance to have a child with a mentally ill person? Do you know or understand the genetic implications to a child of yours being engendered with her? Are you willing to take that chance.

When you married her were you aware of her mental problems? If yes, how could you? Were you that desperate?

Do you understand the concept of survival of the fittest? Do you understand self preservation?

You need to be gone from this marriage. Is such a shame for her daughter, but you got to do what's best for you. Is there family that can take the daughter and take care of her?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you stay this will be your life.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I hate that saying 'man up'


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

This is only going to get worse. Possibly much, much worse. Get out while you still can. Whatever you do, don't let her fool you into getting her pregnant.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, the first thing you need to understand is that she's not going to get better. She's going to get worse as she ages.
> 
> Is either you or her fixed? I ask because, since you are active sexually, why would you take a chance to have a child with a mentally ill person? Do you know or understand the genetic implications to a child of yours being engendered with her? Are you willing to take that chance.
> 
> ...


I wasn't aware of her mental issues before marriage no. I Texted her parents asking for help and to talk to me but they didn't respond. We don't want to have kids together anyway.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

John18736 said:


> I wasn't aware of her mental issues before marriage no. I Texted her parents asking for help and to talk to me but they didn't respond. We don't want to have kids together anyway.


That’s what my brothers girlfriend said before she got pregnant.

Don’t be so naive.


----------



## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

As a survivor of a marriage to a BPD... run!! Divorce like yesterday!!. I was unaware or my ex' mental issues when I married her as you were. They don't get better. They manipulate and "project" everything.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

John18736 said:


> She is and has been always available for me anytime I want sex. Never in her life she refused sex even when we were in fights. As a matter of fact she always ask for sex way more than I do. I'm 40 and she is 33.


My friend, you will come to the decision which is best for you. 
I agree with the others that you should not be married to this person, but you must come to that decision yourself. 

What is MOST IMPORTANT is that while you are making the journey to reach that final decision, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GET HER PREGNANT. 
You will be tied with her for the rest of your life, and the prospect of a newborn child would complicate your decisions and choices.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Get some Crown Royal, Viagra, box of rubbers and enjoy a drunken (crazy) night of fun and games. Tell her this is the latest treatment for her condition and frequent treatment is key.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

John18736 said:


> Emotional cheat. She never said he touched her. You are right, I always lock my bedroom when I sleep because I always thought she will stab me at some point.


Yikes!!!
My fear is for those poor children. Are the police ok with the children living with such a volatile and dangerous mother? One who threatens suicide? Do they have contact with their dad? Does she have family who look out for these children?


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Get some Crown Royal, Viagra, box of rubbers and enjoy a drunken (crazy) night of fun and games. Tell her this is the latest treatment for her condition and frequent treatment is key.


You are funny bro. You made me smile thanks. On my dead body.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What do you like about a woman with bpd?
She’s younger, hot, and great in bed?

that doesn’t get you very far. Just a huge batch of hellacious heartache that takes years to get over. I’ve been there.

you can try to have a relationship with a person with BPD. I don’t know if anyone has survived it without some major f’ed up ness.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Yikes!!!
> My fear is for those poor children. Are the police ok with the children living with such a volatile and dangerous mother? One who threatens suicide? Do they have contact with their dad? Does she have family who look out for these children?


Everything is safe and manageable. Yes her family and her daughters father is involved. She just signed her divorce papers now after we had a 3rd conversation about the guy she's crushing on. I told her sorry and can't be in bed with you while your head is with another man, sorry I can't go to work and let you find new job and be worried your falling in love with a new guy or a neighbor... I love her so much and worrie about her so much but I'm not an angel and I can't live in fear thinking she with another man. I have to go at this point.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

John18736 said:


> Everything is safe and manageable. Yes her family and her daughters father is involved. She just signed her divorce papers now after we had a 3rd conversation about the guy she's crushing on. I told her sorry and can't be in bed with you while your head is with another man, sorry I can't go to work and let you find new job and be worried your falling in love with a new guy or a neighbor... I love her so much and worrie about her so much but I'm not an angel and I can't live in fear thinking she with another man. I have to go at this point.


You need to fix your picker. Something is wrong here. Being a martyr is hard thankless work.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

The warning signs were there, you just missed them. Take a break and start reading. There’s a wealth of knowledge at your fingers tips. In almost every post you say “I love her”. You’re not ready for divorce. Do some reading.


----------



## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

> You are right, I always lock my bedroom when I sleep because I always thought she will stab me at some point.


Sweet dreams. Jesus.

You've got a tiger by the tail here. I don't think there's any taming her, your marriage going forward will be violent and crazy.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

John18736 said:


> Sorry for long post.
> 
> We have been married for 4 years. perfect marriage. We never argue or disagree on anything. We fight once or twice a year maximum and in these fights, the police has to be called because my wife gets too angry and start throwing everything on the walls and brake anything she can get her hands on and threaten that she will kill her self. And they usually take her to the mental health hospital for a night or two and thats all because of her having and been diagnosed by having borderline disorder.
> 
> ...


I have only read your first post. It is very clear that she has a mental problem. I know people who committed suicide. Any statement about someone committing suicide should be taken very seriously, which is why I am responding.

As to manning up and divorcing? I think that you really should hold an intervention either a private one with your wife and a mental health professional and/or with her extended family and close friends to discuss what needs to be done so your wife can lead a healthy life without being a risk to either herself or you. 

You are in a "no-win" situation. You vowed in sickness and health, any you are now facing mental sickness. In theory you love her "most of the time, except when she get's crazy." You do have a right to protect yourself from physical violence by your wife. That is not abandoning her. 

If posting is your form of an intervention, then my vote is to work with your wife, a mental heath professional to see if there is some way that your wife can get more control over her anger episodes, either from therapy or medications she can take at the outset of an episode, or on some regular basis. If that doesn't work, talk about how you can leave her or arrange to take her somewhere for both your safety during such episodes. If the three of you can't come up with anything, then yes, you should divorce her. 

However, if you do, her family really need to know what you have been through, and tried to work out, so they understand why you divorced and that they may need to step-up as a support for her.

Good luck.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

John18736 said:


> I wasn't aware of her mental issues before marriage no. I Texted her parents asking for help and to talk to me but they didn't respond. We don't want to have kids together anyway.


She would have a child with you to trap you and prevent your easy escape.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

BPD meds often ALLOW women to cheat, it lowers their ability to not make bad decisions.

so its odd she would be cheating after gettting off her meds.

still, if she is crazy, she has to take those meds. there is NO other solution. maybe have her give permission for you to talk with her doctor? perhaps the meds need to be changed, or the dosage changed.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

These types of situations are so predictable. I believe you are probably mid 20s and desperate for a relationship and somehow found her. Probably told her that her having a kid is no problem. You guys progressed rapidly to the point of marriage where all the baggage is now coming to light.

You obviously are going to do whatever you want. But do you honestly want to deal with this for life? I can almost guarantee with her illness that she will cheat if she hasn't already done so. She already told you that she has a crush on someone. But seriously, you looked it up and found some nonsense to justify this as normal?

Dude, do not have a kid with this lady. She will probably at some point say having a child will make you guys stronger. It will not! You will suddenly find that she will up and leave and you will be paying child support for years to come..... Also be careful about her previous kid. Its been known for a guy to be ordered to pay child support for a step child because you were in the marriage long enough 

I suggest you leave the marriage as peacefully as possible before you really get yourself screwed up with this woman. She is probably going to get worse. If she is capable of trashing the house to the point of the police hauling her to the mental hospital. She might get to the point of physically attacking you while you are sleeping.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> BPD meds often ALLOW women to cheat, it lowers their ability to not make bad decisions.
> 
> so its odd she would be cheating after gettting off her meds.
> 
> still, if she is crazy, she has to take those meds. there is NO other solution. maybe have her give permission for you to talk with her doctor? perhaps the meds need to be changed, or the dosage changed.


She took the meds for a few weeks only two years ago and when I told her to start taking them she said the pills makes her want to drive of a cliff.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

John18736 said:


> She took the meds for a few weeks only two years ago and when I told her to start taking them she said the pills makes her want to drive of a cliff.


Even more reason to run as she is resisting help.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> These types of situations are so predictable. I believe you are probably mid 20s and desperate for a relationship and somehow found her. Probably told her that her having a kid is no problem. You guys progressed rapidly to the point of marriage where all the baggage is now coming to light.
> 
> You obviously are going to do whatever you want. But do you honestly want to deal with this for life? I can almost guarantee with her illness that she will cheat if she hasn't already done so. She already told you that she has a crush on someone. But seriously, you looked it up and found some nonsense to justify this as normal?
> 
> ...


Thanks brother. I'm 41. She's 34.


----------



## Djani1979 (Jan 2, 2022)

Wait,you are locking your door with fear for your life,and you dont know should you divorce your wife? Are you serious? Divorce her like tomorow!


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

John18736 said:


> She took the meds for a few weeks only two years ago and when I told her to start taking them she said the pills makes her want to drive of a cliff.


Sadly this is often the case, these drugs have SERIOUS and UNPLEASANT side effects, or so i am told by some crazy people.

but here is the problem. to fix bipolar, you need to do this, in this order:
1) have a psychiatrist evaluate the patient, preferably with input from the spouse on how the bp person is acting
2) have the psychiatrist prescribe pills for it.
3) the BP person takes the pills, religiously, for a couple weeks. (this sometimes requires that they be committed to a medical facility)
4) that same psychiatrist looks at the effectiveness of the pills, and the side effects, and keep them, modifies the dosage, or tries a completely new drug. back to 3) above until the right mix of pills and dosages are found
5) then for the next 50 years of your marriage, YOU have to make sure she is still taking those pills (possibly getting newer drugs with less side effects as they come out)

anything else, and you are just pissing into the wind.

and any time during that 50 years, she can say to herself "I feel great, Therefore i am cured, and i do not need these pills anymore". and 2 weeks later she thinks she is the smartest person in the world, and there you are again at square one.

seriously, i could see dating a Bipolar woman. you would never know who was going to show up that day: the wild nymphomaniac, the thrill seeker, the chaiste school marm....
It would be a wild ride. but i bet a few years married to her, and that "thrill" would be gone. BB King sings a good song about that very topic.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

lakshya.dignitas said:


> First and foremost, you should make an effort to improve things in the proper manner. Talk to your partner about the things that aren't working in your relationship and come up with a plan to improve them. If things are still not working and you believe they will not in the future, you should seek the assistance of a collaborative divorce lawyer who can assist you in taking legal action based on mutual problem solving.


No to both.

This is a dire situation with an unstable person.

Nicey nice isn't going to work.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

It's amazing how ALL the responds I got are from males ONLY!!. I thank you all for the support. I just came from the court and filed the divorce already.

she said she never cheated and wasn’t going to pursue it, she did decide (before she told.me about the crushes) she wanted to separate for a while and live like roommates or divorce rather than work to distance herself from the situation and try to squash these feelings, she indulged them and distanced herself from me instead. She never did pursue him but she allowed herself to wallow in those feelings and grow them in intensity and fantasize (for 4 months) while brushing off any of my attempts to fix things or get closer to me or any concerns i had. Divorced.. I feel like **** or better now.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John18736 said:


> It's amazing how ALL the responds I got are from males ONLY!!. I thank you all for the support. I just came from the court and filed the divorce already.


Before I reply to this, I'd like to say that I'm glad you filed for divorce. No one should ever stay in a marriage with a violent person.

It's amazing that you assume that all those who responded to you are males. How do you even know who is male and who is female when most members don't indicate if they are male or female. It's interesting that you jumped to this conclusion with zero evidence.

Keep in mind that TAM has far more male members than female members. So, it would make sense that most who replied to you are male.

You are wrong. There are females who responded to you. For some of them it's clear from their names, such as @Diana7. For other women it's not clear if they are male or female from their names. I'm not going to list who the females are as it's up to each member to reveal what they wish about themselves.

I will say that I did not reply earlier to this thread because those who posted had already said what I would have said. So why just repeat it? Oh, and in case you can't tell, I'm female.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> @John18736 you deserve better.
> You don't have kids.
> 
> I know it must not be easy to think about divorce because you are here asking. But really?
> ...


Replied on page one.

Hint Anastasia is a girl.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Replied on page one.
> 
> Hint Anastasia is a girl.


I posted on medhelp the exact post and all the responds i got was attacking me and blaming me for everything. So I asked are you all women's here and they said yes. But on this forum I got all the support so, I thought this must be a all men group or something. I appreciate everyone's respond anyway. I didn't mean all that in a bad way. I was just thinking.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

John18736 said:


> I just came from the court and filed the divorce already.


Now you need to be prepared. You must carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) with you any time you're with her. You never know what she might tried against you. 👁 Protect yourself against possible DV accusations.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well everything varies. People to tend to tribe. So we have a large group mostly men, that will tell you to divorce the woman pretty much no matter what problem you have. We have some women, like me that tend to see the woman's view point because we are women.

But your story as you present it doesn't seem to have much hope or reason. You are in an abusive relationship with someone who doesn't want help. Why would you stay? I do feel sorry for the child but that's a big ask to give up 12 more years?

Like I said in my first post you can't make her into a better person. Forget the mental illness she is already go a wondering eye and you are only 4 years in.

So the child, if you feel the parent is really bad after divorcing call social services. You can date plenty of women with children who desperately need a dad. There are other children to save. It's a stretch to give up 12 years of your life to try to save this one. And you don't know if you'd be successful. Mom could still kill herself in a way her daughter will find her. It says a lot about your character that you want to her the child. You are either of good character or really shady pedophile. I choose to assume you are of good character.

Mental illness is one thing but she either already cheated on you or only didn't cause he turned her donw.

You deserve better.

Says a woman who regularly defends women on the internet.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Now you need to be prepared. You must carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) with you any time you're with her. You never know what she might tried against you. 👁 Protect yourself against possible DV accusations.


I was thinking that brother. If you have any recommendations on a device or preferably an app send it please.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

John18736 said:


> I was thinking that brother. If you have any recommendations on a device or preferably an app send it please.


At Best Buy:

*Sony - PX Series Digital Voice Recorder - Black*
*Model*:ICDPX370
*SKU*:5774900

They have others that you can browse. I recomend Sony.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

John18736 said:


> It's amazing how ALL the responds I got are from males ONLY!!. I thank you all for the support. I just came from the court and filed the divorce already.
> 
> she said she never cheated and wasn’t going to pursue it, she did decide (before she told.me about the crushes) she wanted to separate for a while and live like roommates or divorce rather than work to distance herself from the situation and try to squash these feelings, she indulged them and distanced herself from me instead. She never did pursue him but she allowed herself to wallow in those feelings and grow them in intensity and fantasize (for 4 months) while brushing off any of my attempts to fix things or get closer to me or any concerns i had. Divorced.. I feel like **** or better now.


she is crazy.
this other guy might just be a fiction in her mind that she fantasized about! 
who knows. but i have heard and seen some seriously screwed up and unbelievable stuff from people who are clinically crazy. there is no way to talk logically to them.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

I want to thank everyone for his time and honest opinion. Every time I feel I want to back up, I go back and read ALL the responds and it helps me hold my grounds...

Now is just the time to start connect little non sense things, for example, the past weeks I noticed very strong perfume smells every morning qhen she and her daughter go to work, like if one of them had a perfume bath. I did once asked her and she said it's her daughter, she likes to pour a lot of perfume on her self before school. Lol this was the perfumes I bought for my wife. And now of course once she told me about that guy, and she want to quit her job so I don't divorce her and all the perfumes stopped because she is trying to act like she's behaving.... I can't wait to find good time to ask my step daughter if she was the one using all the perfumes.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> she is crazy.
> this other guy might just be a fiction in her mind that she fantasized about!
> who knows. but i have heard and seen some seriously screwed up and unbelievable stuff from people who are clinically crazy. there is no way to talk logically to them.


That's what she has said actually, she said this could all be just in her head because she is delusional.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

John18736 said:


> I want to thank everyone for his time and honest opinion. Every time I feel I want to back up, I go back and read ALL the responds and it helps me hold my grounds...
> 
> Now is just the time to start connect little non sense things, for example, the past weeks I noticed very strong perfume smells every morning qhen she and her daughter go to work, like if one of them had a perfume bath. I did once asked her and she said it's her daughter, she likes to pour a lot of perfume on her self before school. Lol this was the perfumes I bought for my wife. And now of course once she told me about that guy, and she want to quit her job so I don't divorce her and all the perfumes stopped because she is trying to act like she's behaving.... I can't wait to find good time to ask my step daughter if she was the one using all the perfumes.


You already know the answer…..


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if you want to give it one more try, ask her if it is ok for you to get her an appointment for a psychiatrist, and you bring her to it. 
Hey she might be one of the small percent that responds well to bipolar medication, and actually takes it religiously. 
She failed that treatment regimen in the past, but she now suspects that you really are planning to leave her....and one of her personalities is freaked out about that happening.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> if you want to give it one more try, ask her if it is ok for you to get her an appointment for a psychiatrist, and you bring her to it.
> Hey she might be one of the small percent that responds well to bipolar medication, and actually takes it religiously.
> She failed that treatment regimen in the past, but she now suspects that you really are planning to leave her....and one of her personalities is freaked out about that happening.


She has borderline personality disorder not bipolar. I already filled the divorce and I can't move past the fact that she was dressing up and perfuming for someone that's not me and who knows what else she has been doing. 4 months she's losing sleep over another man. Too much for me to handle. Sorry I'm not an angel. She said she only told.me about her crush or that guy she fall in love with because she figured we are braking up so she was I might as well tell him.... I can't stay with her any more.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I responded and I am a woman. You can’t help her. Staying is a life of misery.

Proceed and let the filed divorce be finalized.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you filed for divorce, can't you move out so you don't see her anymore?


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> I responded and I am a woman. You can’t help her. Staying is a life of misery.
> 
> Proceed and let the filed divorce be finalized.


I think you are very right. Thanks.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Since you filed for divorce, can't you move out so you don't see her anymore?


We wrote an agreement.and it's included in the divorce papers..I'll buy her out of the house and I told.her she should stay until her daughter school year is over. We have the house separated into two so we don't see or interact with each other. She's home. I haven't see her all day but she's here.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

I need to mention something. Maybe it will make you think I should go pull the divorce back from the court.

If I'm taking about her "emotional cheating" and falling in love with a guy for 4 months, well, I have been emotionally cheating too. I look at women's everyday at work and everywhere and I watch porn. And I sometimes have crushes on other women's. But I never lost sleep over someone and never tried to brake up with her for anybody. And I never had the feel that I need to discuss any of that with her. I know it was little things that I kept for my self. And my disgusting habits didn't effect my marriage.

Double standards? Should I pull the papers?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

John18736 said:


> I need to mention something. Maybe it will make you think I should go pull the divorce back from the court.
> 
> If I'm taking about her "emotional cheating" and falling in love with a guy for 4 months, well, I have been emotionally cheating too. I look at women's everyday at work and everywhere and I watch porn. And I sometimes have crushes on other women's. But I never lost sleep over someone and never tried to brake up with her for anybody. And I never had the feel that I need to discuss any of that with her. I know it was little things that I kept for my self. And my disgusting habits didn't effect my marriage.
> 
> Double standards? Should I pull the papers?


NO!

That's not what "emotionally cheating" is. You may be lusting after other women, but it is NOT the same as a displaced emotional INTIMACY with another person. That shifts the shared emotional ties which build relationships from a spouse onto another person. And that's how marriages are destroyed. 

So don't even THINK that there's any sort of equivalency here.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

John18736 said:


> I need to mention something. *Maybe it will make you think I should go pull the divorce back from the court.*
> 
> If I'm taking about her "emotional cheating" and falling in love with a guy for 4 months, well, I have been emotionally cheating too. I look at women's everyday at work and everywhere and* I watch porn*. And *I sometimes have crushes on other women's*. But I never lost sleep over someone and never tried to brake up with her for anybody. And I never had the feel that I need to discuss any of that with her. I know it was little things that I kept for my self. And my disgusting habits didn't effect my marriage.
> 
> *Double standards? Should I pull the papers?*


Let's not loose site of the big picture. In your first post you said:


> We fight once or twice a year maximum and *in these fights, the police has to be called* because my wife gets too angry and *start throwing everything on the walls and brake anything she can get her hands on *and threaten that she will kill her self. And *they usually take her to the mental health hospital for a night or two* and thats all because of her having and been diagnosed by having borderline disorder.


Your focusing on your watching porn or lusting in your heart of some other woman is not the greatest behavior, but you are not being hauled away by the police and ending up in a psych-evaluation as a possible danger to yourself.

The reason you are or should be divorcing is because this woman and your blended family are put in danger when she looses control and becomes suicidal. You need to save yourself, your kid and if possible her kids. 

No don't pull the divorce papers.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

John18736 said:


> She has borderline personality disorder not bipolar. I already filled the divorce and I can't move past the fact that she was dressing up and perfuming for someone that's not me and who knows what else she has been doing. 4 months she's losing sleep over another man. Too much for me to handle. Sorry I'm not an angel. She said she only told.me about her crush or that guy she fall in love with because she figured we are braking up so she was I might as well tell him.... I can't stay with her any more.


i have a nephew, and he has similar issues, maybe even more pronounced than your wife. His wife separated last month. She has some illness, and he was nowhere to be found. in fact, we found some evidence he was hiding her medicine to taunt her. 
basically he was a jerk.

even though he is the one i am related to by blood, i approve her decision. when someone is being a jerk, and is deliberately screwing with your mind....there is no coming back from that. Even IF they got treatment and got better, you saw a version of their personality that was evil, and that you can never forget.

Good luck, and have a better day after the divorce goes thru.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

John18736 said:


> Double standards? Should I pull the papers?


Those two questions are not related.
Meaning... yes or no you could have double standards. That's something only you would know for sure. Based on your description I don't see "emotional cheating" so much as normal human behavior. I agree with @Wolfman1968 on this point. But only you would know if it crossed the line. Also I would say that watching porn, having crushes, wandering lustful eyes, and (I assume) wandering lustful heart... yes those are all bad signs for a marriage especially if they are in secret.

Should you pull the papers?
From my comfy armchair her behavior looks like it has crossed the line of infidelity (of the heart at least!) many times. I haven't heard you say anything about her actions such as feeling remorse and wanting to make it up to you, etc. In fact I think you mentioned she wanted a separation. So in my opinion, No, you should not pull the papers. Staying with her at this point will only end in disaster for you when she eventually accomplishes her goal of being with the other guy(s).

If you were a hypocrite with double standards, the divorce should still go through based on her behavior and you should straighten your **** out for the next relationship.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

John18736 said:


> She took the meds for a few weeks only two years ago and when I told her to start taking them she said the pills makes her want to drive of a cliff.


When my wife was mis-diagnosed with bi-polar and they put her on a mood stabilizer, it made things worse. She said it made her a zombie with no emotion other than thought her family would be better off without her as she is totally screwed in the head. It was all just hormones being F'ed up.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Those two questions are not related.
> Meaning... yes or no you could have double standards. That's something only you would know for sure. Based on your description I don't see "emotional cheating" so much as normal human behavior. I agree with @Wolfman1968 on this point. But only you would know if it crossed the line. Also I would say that watching porn, having crushes, wandering lustful eyes, and (I assume) wandering lustful heart... yes those are all bad signs for a marriage especially if they are in secret.
> 
> Should you pull the papers?
> ...


I'm confused. You are saying (Based on your description I don't see "emotional cheating" so much as normal human behavior.) Which you are saying me looking at other women's sometimes or watching porn is not emotional cheating but you came back and said (Also I would say that watching porn, having crushes, wandering lustful eyes, and (I assume) wandering lustful heart... yes those are all bad signs for a marriage especially if they are in secret.) which here your saying I been emotionally cheating too? And you are saying I shouldn't have kept these bad habits secret and should have told her?

Sometimes I think we are even. We both emotionally cheated and need to stop that. And we need to figure out a solution for her snapping and her anger issues due to her bpd medical issue.


----------



## ThrowAway123 (Sep 25, 2021)

John18736 said:


> well, I have been emotionally cheating too. I look at women's everyday at work and everywhere and I watch porn.


No. What you have been feeling/doing is lust, same we feel with a beautiful actress. We dont lose our sleep over them. We don't discard the feelings of our SO over them. 

What she curently doing is removing herself from you and starting to engage in an emotional affair(initial stage). Think it over, she told you about her crush. So, from her end she's trying to communicate with you.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

ThrowAway123 said:


> No. What you have been feeling/doing is lust, same we feel with a beautiful actress. We dont lose our sleep over them. We don't discard the feelings of our SO over them.
> 
> What she curently doing is removing herself from you and starting to engage in an emotional affair(initial stage). Think it over, she told you about her crush. So, from her end she's trying to communicate with you.


You are saying she is trying to communicate with me that she has checked out from the marriage by telling me about her 4 months crush/falling in love with another man.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

John18736 said:


> I'm confused. You are saying (Based on your description I don't see "emotional cheating" so much as normal human behavior.) Which you are saying me looking at other women's sometimes or watching porn is not emotional cheating but you came back and said (Also I would say that watching porn, having crushes, wandering lustful eyes, and (I assume) wandering lustful heart... yes those are all bad signs for a marriage especially if they are in secret.) which here your saying I been emotionally cheating too? And you are saying I shouldn't have kept these bad habits secret and should have told her?


What I meant by "secret".
-Honest relationships include transparency about failures. 
-There are also times when a married couple will share these things together.

Secrets are generally bad and potentially destructive in a marriage. Privacy is fine, secrets are not.

In your case I suspect there was nothing you did that crossed any lines so I wouldn't be overly concerned about that. But, in future relationships, think about being open with your mate before starting down a slippery slope. The activities you mentioned could be hard for a mate to be ok with, so treat her with respect and don't, or talk to her if you do.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What I meant by "secret".
> -Honest relationships include transparency about failures.
> -There is also times when a married couple will share these things together.
> 
> ...


She's been open to me about her secrets and for that reason we are divorcing. (Honest relationships include transparency about failures) your words. And that's exactly what she did and for it, she is being divorced!!!!


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

John18736 said:


> She's been open to me about her secrets and for that reason we are divorcing. (Honest relationships include transparency about failures) your words. And that's exactly what she did and for it, she is being divorced!!!!


Being honest didn't kill your marriage. Her infidelity did (among other things). Her being honest saved you from a bunch of pain and misery. If you found out about it from a friend, or walked in and caught them, you would have to deal with her lying to you on top of infidelity. Like the perfume issue, for example. Wouldn't it have been better for you if she was just honest about that instead of you not knowing the truth and also not believing her? I see how that is eating you up, you mentioned you want to hear form your daughter.

Her being honest with you about the emotional affair is a blessing you should be thankful for.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

John18736 said:


> I need to mention something. Maybe it will make you think I should go pull the divorce back from the court.
> 
> If I'm taking about her "emotional cheating" and falling in love with a guy for 4 months, well, I have been emotionally cheating too. I look at women's everyday at work and everywhere and I watch porn. And I sometimes have crushes on other women's. But I never lost sleep over someone and never tried to brake up with her for anybody. And I never had the feel that I need to discuss any of that with her. I know it was little things that I kept for my self. And my disgusting habits didn't effect my marriage.
> 
> Double standards? Should I pull the papers?


No. That is not cheating. It is just your mental gymnastics looking for an excuse to stay.

You are simply wanting a normal, healthy relationship like everyone else and are looking towards other women because your wife is a train wreck and your relationship is not healthy or satisfying.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

John18736 said:


> Sorry for long post.
> 
> We have been married for 4 years. perfect marriage. We never argue or disagree on anything. We fight once or twice a year maximum and in these fights, the police has to be called because my wife gets too angry and start throwing everything on the walls and brake anything she can get her hands on and threaten that she will kill her self. And they usually take her to the mental health hospital for a night or two and thats all because of her having and been diagnosed by having borderline disorder.
> 
> ...


Right.


----------



## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

While not perfect, your looking at porn and lusting after strangers, I assume you don't know the women while here lusting is after real live people she knows.
If she has not acted on her feelings, then maybe you did jump the gun but she sounds like a handful in the best of times...
Not sure what the answer is....


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Al_Bundy said:


> So you wifed up a BPD single mother who is violent and cheats. Now you want to know what you should do? Run........... before you knock her up and are tied to her forever.


And she came into the marriage with $95k student loan. Can't get a better house or business loan due to that.


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Are you saying you tried to do things to attract the women to you so they would help you cheat? Because that is what she did. I see that as proactive not passive. What you did was passive. You observed women and kept it to yourself. She went on the hunt. That is not standing by her marriage vows. 

There is no comparison. what she did was cheating. If she wanted to rebuild she’d get herself into therapy to figure out why. But I don’t think she cares enough about you to do so.

So for right now your only path is to divorce. If she changes her tune and starts to do rebuilding actions, then you can slow things down. Until then, proceed as you are.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

John18736 said:


> Her daughter lives with us. She is 12 years old. Why don't you Google this and read what comes "do married people get romantic crushes" it's been said it's normal and natural.


I would disagree with it being normal for romantic crush. Normal would be finds others attractive without fantasies about being with them. With a crush you make a choice to think about being with that person.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

John18736 said:


> You are saying she is trying to communicate with me that she has checked out from the marriage by telling me about her 4 months crush/falling in love with another man.


This sounds about right. Your STBXW was actively going after another man.

You were not pursuing another woman.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

John18736 said:


> She's been open to me about her secrets and for that reason we are divorcing. (Honest relationships include transparency about failures) your words. And that's exactly what she did and for it, she is being divorced!!!!


Omg. You are trying to justify staying with this toxic woman.

Why?

Please go into individual counseling to figure out why you have been okay with, and are now trying to find a reason to stay in such a completely TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.


----------



## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

I get it. I stayed for years with an emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive woman. I stayed in part because she beat me down and I felt that not only wouldn't I ever be able to get anyone better than her, I didn't deserve anyone better than her.

Could I have left at any time? Yes, but I really didn't understand that. It seems like you maybe understand that but are making excuses to stay.

Yes, leaving and starting over is extremely scary. The unknown always looks worse than the known - until you actually do it and figure out how much time you wasted being scared over literally nothing.

At this point you're just trolling for reasons you can tell yourself that staying is better. Even though no one here is playing ball, you're still looking for those reasons. No one here is ever going to be able to convince you - not even me, and I lived just like you do now.

When it finally becomes enough, then you'll go. Not before. Hopefully it'll happen before you're too old and/or emotionally beaten up to start over, but in all honestly, I don't think it will. You don't seem the least bit ready to me, which is an actual tragedy, because she treats you like ****. She's always going to treat you like ****. Some day you'll realize that and then you'll be full of regret for the time you wasted with her. But it sounds to me like that's going to be years and years away.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Notself said:


> I get it. I stayed for years with an emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive woman. I stayed in part because she beat me down and I felt that not only wouldn't I ever be able to get anyone better than her, I didn't deserve anyone better than her.
> 
> Could I have left at any time? Yes, but I really didn't understand that. It seems like you maybe understand that but are making excuses to stay.
> 
> ...


She has some really good qualities that I never found with anybody. She listens and do everything I ask her for. She treats my daughter very very good. She's financially very stable. And she has said many times that she never physically cheated on me.

It's only that we fight a couple big fights a year. But lately with that guy involved we been fighting every week. I'm leaving because of her anger issues and because she is always board and unhappy and because of the crush she has and because she doesn't like to talk or discuss anything I like say it's a business idea I have or anything. And with that guy now in her head she loses patience with me very quick and seems very unhappy.

I understand I got married to a BPD person who is volant and not stable and want to cheat and is a single mother and she also has $95k students loans that's holding us from taking business loans or even a loan for a better house. She is 34 and I'm 41.

And I'm leaving because im not satisfied with her effort to fix the relationship. I didn't get enough apologies from her. If she has broken down on her knees crying and asking me to not divorce I would have stayed. Ppl with BPD don't like separation and have feelings of abandoned or left alone. But she is ready for it and is not afraid from divorce because she has a backup plan with that guy.


----------



## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

Everyone has good qualities. That doesn't make them a good fit for you. I learned the hard way that when abuse happens, that's the point I should be out the door. But I stayed and took it, because my ex-wife had other good qualities.

Nothing balances out abuse. At some point you start to abuse yourself. Your partner doesn't even have to do it to you anymore.


----------



## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

John18736 said:


> Sorry for long post.
> 
> We have been married for 4 years. perfect marriage. We never argue or disagree on anything. We fight once or twice a year maximum and in these fights, the police has to be called because my wife gets too angry and start throwing everything on the walls and brake anything she can get her hands on and threaten that she will kill her self. And they usually take her to the mental health hospital for a night or two and thats all because of her having and been diagnosed by having borderline disorder.
> 
> ...


It sounds like it.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Divorce papers are pending now at the court. I'm just really sad because of how she gave up on our marriage, on our kids, on the house we bought together and gave up on me, on our cats and everything she gave up on everything for this guy.
Shee gave up without even trying to fight for us.

She didn't apologize deeply . she didn't ask harder that she can fix things she just offered to quit her job. And she doesn't even know him based on what she's saying, she never talk to him she just sees him and they say hi and hello at work that's it based on her.

Man I wish she asked me hard to not divorce. I really wish she asked me to fix things, get counseling to take the meds. I wish when she was apologizing that she would told me you're more important for me than anybody, I wish she said this guy is really nothing for me it's just a fantasy, but if she can just say please forgive me and give me another chance just say anything.

I'm just sad and jealous and very angry. I wish she even lied to me and tell me she forgot about him. Where the conversation about this guy three times and every time I'll ask her and she would say she has been having a crush on him for 4 months. She never said this crashes over or she has passed it or anything. It's like she's admitting to me every time we'll talk about him that she is still in a crush with him. Damn this.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

John18736 said:


> Divorce papers are pending now at the court. I'm just really sad because of how she gave up on our marriage, on our kids, on the house we bought together and gave up on me, on our cats and everything she gave up on everything for this guy.
> Shee gave up without even trying to fight for us.
> 
> She didn't apologize deeply . she didn't ask harder that she can fix things she just offered to quit her job. And she doesn't even know him based on what she's saying, she never talk to him she just sees him and they say hi and hello at work that's it based on her.
> ...


Don't beat yourself up trying to understand what motivates someone to act a certain way. Especially if they have a known mental illness. It's hard enough to figure out a "normal" person's motives.

I get you wish she would have done all those things but that's just now her, it's not who she is and maybe not who you thought she was. 

Best of luck moving forward. Look after yourself.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cheaters all say it was never physical. She’s been having sex with him for 4 months.
Grown women have zero need for crushes. They show interest and 99% of the time he’s all over it. If you think she’s awake all night abd throwing her marriage away for a guy she’s not banging, you’re very naive.

you have no choice but to divorce her. I’m sorry


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Cheaters all say it was never physical. She’s been having sex with him for 4 months.
> Grown women have zero need for crushes. They show interest and 99% of the time he’s all over it. If you think she’s awake all night abd throwing her marriage away for a guy she’s not banging, you’re very naive.
> 
> you have no choice but to divorce her. I’m sorry


Your too harsh on me I'm down and broken already... She said she never cheated on me. I walk up like a crazy mf last night and went in her room and asked her. But I was very calm. I asked her 2 times she said he didn't touch her. my heart beats too fast every time I think she is having emotional relationship and is in love with someone while she is and been married to me.

She broke my heart so bad. I wish it was just a divorce because of us not getting along or any other reason. Divorce by it self is so hard. Divorce + cheating emotionally is too much because I'm not only losing my partner, family, life and everything, I'm losing it for someone else. Killing my confidence about everything and feeling so small.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What difference does it make what she says? People lie. She’s headed out the door without asking you not to divorce her or whatever, you can see she’s not really invested in you, she has a personality disorder…..

it hurts. We’ve all been there. Try not to let the pain blind you from the obvious correct thing to do, which is file for divorce. You’ve filed. Good for you. Let it go through. You’ll get over the pain and have the opportunity to meet someone without a personality disorder that may actually care about you.


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

I knowyou are hurting. This **** is hard. It’s painful to have the one you’ve loved for so long to admit they love someone more. 

But you can’t stay with someone who is pining for someone else. At least I couldn’t. Doesn’t make it easy. But it’s the truth.

Find yourself a good trauma therapist to work with. And spend time with friends and family if you can. Try to preoccupy your mind.

who knows. She may come out of it and realize what sheis losing andstart to work a plan to rebuild. Hang in there.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

Landofblue said:


> I knowyou are hurting. This **** is hard. It’s painful to have the one you’ve loved for so long to admit they love someone more.
> 
> But you can’t stay with someone who is pining for someone else. At least I couldn’t. Doesn’t make it easy. But it’s the truth.
> 
> ...


Thanks very much. I will never get back with her no matter what she do.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

John18736 said:


> If she has broken down on her knees crying and asking me to not divorce I would have stayed





John18736 said:


> I wish she even lied to me and tell me she forgot about him


Its tough to end a long relationship, but you have every reason to do so and frankly you need to follow through with divorce.

Afterwards, you need to do some work on yourself to figure out why you would say the things you said above. You can't just put your head in the sand and pretend like everything is ok. You need to have strong convictions about what is acceptable or not in a relationship. If someone treats you poorly, you don't accept that.


----------



## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

IMO, your wife is extremely unhappy in the marriage and can't figure her way out or how to correct things (which, honestly, may or may not be her fault. It does take two to make a marriage work.) She becomes very agitated and has now sought solace outside the marriage because she does not know what to do or how to do it.

Yes, you should move forward. The process can be stopped at any time if you guys figure things out.


----------



## One Eighty (Apr 30, 2018)

John18736 said:


> Your too harsh on me I'm down and broken already... She said she never cheated on me. I walk up like a crazy mf last night and went in her room and asked her. But I was very calm. I asked her 2 times she said he didn't touch her. my heart beats too fast every time I think she is having emotional relationship and is in love with someone while she is and been married to me.
> 
> She broke my heart so bad. I wish it was just a divorce because of us not getting along or any other reason. Divorce by it self is so hard. Divorce + cheating emotionally is too much because I'm not only losing my partner, family, life and everything, I'm losing it for someone else. Killing my confidence about everything and feeling so small.


Dude, you are 41. You have at least half of your life ahead of you. 

I know, because I've been there, that you feel like this is it for you. You are only getting divorced because your backed into a corner. You will never find another woman or if you do you won't find one as compatible. 

I know my saying this will have little effect right now but hopefully in the not to distant future you will realize, you are going to be ok. And not just ok but way better than you have been for the last four years. When you look back on this just a year from now you will be so happy you did this. You will wonder why it took backing you into a corner to get free of her. You are on a path to improving your life. 

Take a break but then get out there. Find a good woman. They exist.


----------



## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

Do not stay for the kids sake. For the kids sake they need to be removed from that situation. Doing whats best for kids is a healthy home environment free from abuse and property destruction and police response. It is not about fixing a marriage for their sake when one is out of control and cannot control their behavior. 

Her BPD and or mental illness is not your responsibilty to fix. Do not enable this to go further. 

Even if she called you because she found out that her crush isnt wanting her doesnt mean she suddenly only has feelings towards you.. please dont let yourself feel inferior to another man it will eat away at your soul. 

Love her but from a far distance.


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

michelleM68 said:


> Do not stay for the kids sake. For the kids sake they need to be removed from that situation. Doing whats best for kids is a healthy home environment free from abuse and property destruction and police response. It is not about fixing a marriage for their sake when one is out of control and cannot control their behavior.
> 
> Her BPD and or mental illness is not your responsibilty to fix. Do not enable this to go further.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate your response. Thanks.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

John18736 said:


> Divorce papers are pending now at the court. I'm just really sad because of how she gave up on our marriage, on our kids, on the house we bought together and gave up on me, on our cats and everything she gave up on everything for this guy.
> Shee gave up without even trying to fight for us.
> 
> She didn't apologize deeply . she didn't ask harder that she can fix things she just offered to quit her job. And she doesn't even know him based on what she's saying, she never talk to him she just sees him and they say hi and hello at work that's it based on her.
> ...


dude, she was cheating on you, you were an ATM card fer her. You got used. Glad you are getting out. She is a disease


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

michelleM68 said:


> Do not stay for the kids sake. For the kids sake they need to be removed from that situation. Doing whats best for kids is a healthy home environment free from abuse and property destruction and police response. It is not about fixing a marriage for their sake when one is out of control and cannot control their behavior.
> 
> Her BPD and or mental illness is not your responsibilty to fix. Do not enable this to go further.
> 
> ...


amen. This woman is a user


----------



## John18736 (11 mo ago)

wmn1 said:


> dude, she was cheating on you, you were an ATM card fer her. You got used. Glad you are getting out. She is a disease


She didn't said she cheated. She was a perfect wife except for her anger issues, violence and unstable emotions. Dude I'm so sad. But satisfied with my effort because I tried so much.. And she never used me for money. She made and has more than me but we always split all bills.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

John18736 said:


> She didn't said she cheated. She was a perfect wife except for her anger issues, violence and unstable emotions. Dude I'm so sad. But satisfied with my effort because I tried so much.. And she never used me for money. She made and has more than me but we always split all bills.


Sorry man but there’s nothing perfect about that at all.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

John18736 said:


> She didn't said she cheated. *She was a perfect wife except for her anger issues, violence and unstable emotions.* Dude I'm so sad. But satisfied with my effort because I tried so much.. And she never used me for money. She made and has more than me but we always split all bills.


Sounds like a pretty horrid wife to me.
Btw, 99.9999% of cheaters will lie and say they didn’t cheat. Find out why you EVER considered a woman that is violent, emotionally unstable, and has anger issues as a “perfect wife”.
You’re liable to wake up Bobbitted with a woman like this. No thanks.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

John18736 said:


> She didn't said she cheated. She was a perfect wife except for her anger issues, violence and unstable emotions. Dude I'm so sad. But satisfied with my effort because I tried so much.. And she never used me for money. She made and has more than me but we always split all bills.


Emotional affairs are cheating too. So it depends on how deep this ‘crush’ is, but from your description plus 4 months worth of chasing him, I’d say the line of cheating has been crossed.

Doesn’t matter if she slept with him. She replaced you in her mind and tried to make that real. Your marriage was already over you just didn’t know it.


----------



## Djani1979 (Jan 2, 2022)

Wait,you continue to say that she said that she didnt cheated. Are you realy believing that? And what on earth do you expect her to say? Yes,i cheated??? Her to admit that without no prof?? Wow,you are very naive my man. Of course she will say that she didnt cheated,why on earth would she admit? If you want to know the thruth make her take a polygraph test.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

How hot is her female friend? 👌


----------

