# Facing the end after 22 years



## Cisco (Jul 7, 2015)

Just writing to vent and need some good vibes

Married 22 years and 1 year ago I got the "I don't feel the same speech".

We had a fantastic marriage but she feels different now! omg

(she gave reasons but they seem illogical to me, I realise it's her right to end it but I don't understand any of it, it's like speaking to an accountant )

So for the last year it's been hell. She needed time, then more time, then more time, then while separated I met someone.

Suddenly she wanted to reconcile!

I couldn't simply turn round and accept reconciliation after being given the run around so long so I asked for time. The motives seemed skewed to say the least.

Her desire for reconciliation seemed hollow to me and atonement was minimal.

We are now a step away from full divorce.

Even after all the **** she has put me through I can't seem to move on emotionally.

The thought of losing her is soul destroying.
The thought of her with another guy rips me apart every day.
And the thought of the rest of my life without her is horrible.

To summarise I feel totally abandoned after giving everything for 22 years.

I'm walking around in a trance and the thought of selling the house is like an elephant in the room.

In denial, heartbroken and v anxious.

Cisco


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hello Cisco,

Your W dated while separated? It appears to me your W was working on an affair thus the wanting to separate. After separating your W could test the waters with OM? It appears OM did not really work out. You sir are plan B. Plan A went south now your W wants to R with you. Is this how it appears?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Cisco said:


> Just writing to vent and need some good vibes
> 
> *Married 22 years and 1 year ago I got the "I don't feel the same speech*".
> 
> ...


Odds are really high she was in an affair. You finding someone else made her want you just long enough to drop the other relationship. 

You are her fallback plan, aka Plan B.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> Hello Cisco,
> 
> Your W dated while separated? It appears to me your W was working on an affair thus the wanting to separate. After separating your W could test the waters with OM? It appears OM did not really work out. You sir are plan B. Plan A went south now your W wants to R with you. Is this how it appears?


It might be that, or it might be the age-old "I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to want him, either." If that's what's going on, the unfortunate bottom line is that she still doesn't want you.

Either way, I think you're exactly right to be suspicious of her motives.


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## Cisco (Jul 7, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Hello Cisco,
> 
> Your W dated while separated? It appears to me your W was working on an affair thus the wanting to separate. After separating your W could test the waters with OM? It appears OM did not really work out. You sir are plan B. Plan A went south now your W wants to R with you. Is this how it appears?


hey,
Its complicated, off course.
But yes, that is true.

She has been confused without doubt.

I wanted recon for 6 months straight. When I appeared happy'ish and involved with another girl ( part of the separation agreement, I was free to date as she had been guilty of infidelity ) she suddenly wanted us back.

there has been a massive amount of confusion from her. Unclear signals since her infidelity 1 yr ago.

This is why this is such a mess and I am so messed up.

The vascilating has really destroyed my mind and heart.

Cisco


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Cisco said:


> hey,
> Its complicated, off course.
> But yes, that is true.
> 
> ...



Ok Cisco, I was not sure if you were the one that dated. I don't see how a marriage can be fixed when both are separated and dating others is involved. At any rate, what is done is done. Your W sees that other women are interested in you and she turned the tables wanting R. Why the heck would your W want to see you single from here on out is beyond me. Did your W get to date or did she find that dating again is hard? Your W then wanted the easy road back to a relationship(you) and even more so when you appear to be happy moving on with another woman?

It appears to me your W wanted to test the waters. You got to test as well. However, you were passing the test. Your W appears to have failed at the test and wants you back. You are still plan B. The safe bet. The guy who will always be there. I would not want to be plan B. Do you?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is a cheater and a manipulator. When she heard you had a new gal she panicked and tried to get you to break up with this new lady. The only reason your WW wants you to stay single is in case things don't work out for her with her other man, or with other guys. She needs to keep you in case she cannot replace you. 

Yeah, we get that you love her, but why would you want to be the backup plan to a user like her? She checked out on you loooong ago, long before you knew about it. 

No, stick with your new woman.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is not clear from the OP that the wife actually cheated but everyone else assumes she has. Did she cheat and this led to the separation? 
You mention infidelity, when did that happen or is that ancient history? Or is it a matter of a crap marriage which she wanted to leave? You are separated but still married but you decide to date other women, that is a recipe for disaster.
Neither of you have shown any real desire to fix the problems in your marriage. You are simply whinging about it, how your heart is broken etc but you are interested in another woman, etc etc, No wonder the whole thing is a mess.

You should both not be dating anyone if you wanted to work on the marriage, that is usually R 101
I'd say both of you should move on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This is exactly why I never dated separated people. Please don't date anyone while you're hung up on your ex, it's not fair to the new person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Have you already been through marriage counseling?
If nothing else, it might reveal why your wife thinks maybe she wants you back, or show her that she really doesn't, that she was just reacting to your moving on.
But if she was unfaithful, and that relationship has ended, chances are she will be again, as soon as she meets someone new. So you may be facing this all over again.
I would accept that it is over, go ahead with a divorce and then begin...slowly...to date.


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## Cisco (Jul 7, 2015)

aine said:


> It is not clear from the OP that the wife actually cheated but everyone else assumes she has. Did she cheat and this led to the separation?
> You mention infidelity, when did that happen or is that ancient history? Or is it a matter of a crap marriage which she wanted to leave? You are separated but still married but you decide to date other women, that is a recipe for disaster.
> Neither of you have shown any real desire to fix the problems in your marriage. You are simply whinging about it, how your heart is broken etc but you are interested in another woman, etc etc, No wonder the whole thing is a mess.
> 
> ...


she cheated. that's what started this.
I was 100% green for reconciliation despite her infidelity.
But she wasn't interested and we separated.
While alone I met someone by complete chance, there was absolutely no desire to date anyone.
They my wife wanted us back but I wasn't convinced. I had been clear with the girlfriend about everything.

Turns out I was right to be paranoid about the wifes agenda. I was option 2.


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## Cisco (Jul 7, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is exactly why I never dated separated people. Please don't date anyone while you're hung up on your ex, it's not fair to the new person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


fully agree. Separated people r dealing with too much stuff to give full attention to anyone else. Even if they claim otherwise.

How long does it take to work through the end of a 22 year old relationship?

there is no answer to that!


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## Cisco (Jul 7, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Your wife is a cheater and a manipulator. When she heard you had a new gal she panicked and tried to get you to break up with this new lady. The only reason your WW wants you to stay single is in case things don't work out for her with her other man, or with other guys. She needs to keep you in case she cannot replace you.
> 
> Yeah, we get that you love her, but why would you want to be the backup plan to a user like her? She checked out on you loooong ago, long before you knew about it.
> 
> No, stick with your new woman.


why would I want to be backup plan? Well it's not so simple. We react to conditioning and our own loyalty as well as reason and pride.

People have been telling me to move on for ages but I've not been able to.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Cisco,
what do you want to do? The way you've described the situation, she wanted to separate, she wanted to reconcile, everything seemed to be her decision. What do YOU really want out of this? I think that's the first thing you need to figure out, and once you do that I think your path forward may become a little clearer.


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## Cisco (Jul 7, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Cisco,
> what do you want to do? The way you've described the situation, she wanted to separate, she wanted to reconcile, everything seemed to be her decision. What do YOU really want out of this? I think that's the first thing you need to figure out, and once you do that I think your path forward may become a little clearer.


Lloyd,
u hit the nail.
I wanted reconcile all the way BUT I have seen now that her reconciliation desires were absolutely full of holes.

I have been played like a cheap guitar.

C


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Cisco said:


> The thought of losing her is soul destroying.
> The thought of her with another guy rips me apart every day.
> And the thought of the rest of my life without her is horrible.


I hear you, and it's absolutely infuriating. You want to move on so badly, yet you're distraught at the thought of living life without her.

Some people can turn it off (i.e., their affection for the stbx spouse), while others struggle with powerful feelings...feelings that cloud their judgment and convince them to stay, even whey they know that the right decision is to leave.

Why do we get married, again?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She told your herself, "she does not feel the same" she lost attraction, got bored, etc and there was not enough character in her to work on the marriage. She takes to pursuing her own interests and happiness, these are the impetus that now (almost exclusively) govern her her interactions with you.

It can only be a toxic situation for you.

Women like this become takers, its almost imperceptible to them.

The women who show true remorse have genuine character as a core and can genuinely contribute to reconciliation.

Perhaps with your new girlfriend you saw how one sided your relationship with you stbx was, maybe you were shocked at the consideration and effort you girlfriend was willing to show.

I hope whatever you do you will not settle for anything less.

Take care.


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## Cisco (Jul 7, 2015)

Decorum said:


> She told your herself, "she does not feel the same" she lost attraction, got bored, etc and there was not enough character in her to work on the marriage. She takes to pursuing her own interests and happiness, these are the impetus that now (almost exclusively) govern her her interactions with you.
> 
> It can only be a toxic situation for you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the positive message. Really I'm just stunned at the whole situation. It's like it can't be real. Just cannot grasp that after so many great years she has done this to me.
But did I ever really know her? The change in her character is just monumental.


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