# Seeking women's perspectives



## AGuy (Aug 15, 2013)

Hi,

I'm looking for some women's perspectives, because I have an emotional and moral dilemma and I don't know what to do about it.

My wife and I are growing apart. I love her more than anything, she's my best friend and her happiness means the world to me. But the "marriage" stuff isn't there -- sex life, attraction, taking care of her body or the house, etc. I do a fair amount of housework, she does none. There is no abuse of any kind or infidelity on either end. Compared to some of what I've read on this site this seems like small stuff, but I can't help but think a lot about how much happier I'd be if I were not in this marriage. By the way, we've talked about how much these things bother me but she hasn't changed.

The complication is, she's 35 and desperately wants to have kids and is very scared about her biological clock. 

On the one hand, divorce seems very cruel because of how hard it will be for her to find somebody else in time to have children. 

On the other hand, if we have kids now and then the marriage falls apart, that would be unfair for the kids and probably both of us. To be honest, the things that are bothering me about the relationship are only likely to get worse if we have kids. It's not like she'd have more time or energy to take care of her body or clean up after herself. 

And if we delay kids for a year or two while we sort things out and then break up, she'd be even older.

My main question is -- in this situation, if you were my wife, how would you want me to handle it? How open would you want me to be about my feelings? She knows I'm not happy but I don't think she knows how unhappy I am.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Well I would appreciate brutal honesty. Although it is most painful it really makes it become a serious issue that she can choose to address or not. If you just beat around the bush while trying to make such a life altering decision it really doesn't give her a fair chance to make the necessary changes. Especially if you have spoken to her about it before and she just thinks of it as "one of those things". Be clear about your needs, your wants, your desires and tell her what the consequence will be if she doesn't take you seriously. 

I agree that children will only make things worse. You are fortunate that you are childless as this could be traumatic for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think your feelings are extremely serious and should be treated as such. In my opinion, you should be direct and honest about how you feel. There is always a chance to recover the marriage, but both of you have to be in it & you are not giving her a chance to do her best if she doesn't know the extent of your unhappiness. She may step up. She may not. You won't know unless you've been as clear as you can be.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Could she suffer from low-level depression? You say she's not taking care of herself or the house or the marriage. If not depression, then is this disengagement her normal state? In either case, she needs to change if she wants to save the marriage and may need help to do so. Clearly yet lovingly stating your concerns and firmly asking her to get help with your help seems the reasonable thing to do.

Give yourself a timeframe and deadline for action and improvement, and if things have not changed sufficiently to give real hope, you'll know what to do.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I think you need to give her an ultimatum. You are thinking about divorcing over this issue so why not enlighten her. She might snap out of it. Give her 6 months and if no improvement then you can at least walk away knowing you gave her a chance. Also look at yourself and figure out how you might be contributing. I would refuse to have kids until it was worked out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AGuy said:


> My main question is -- in this situation, if you were my wife, how would you want me to handle it? *How open would you want me to be about my feelings?*


*WIDE OPEN.
*
How can you resolve anything if you haven't even told her how you feel? 

Be open and honest, even if it hurts. You will not get anywhere by stifling your thoughts/feelings on the subject.

SO tell her point blank, TODAY, how you feel in your marriage.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

From a dude who was somewhat in your situation...

*On the one hand, divorce seems very cruel because of how hard it will be for her to find somebody else in time to have children*. 
No. "Very cruel" would be you deciding to bring kids into a bad marriage.

*And if we delay kids for a year or two while we sort things out and then break up, she'd be even old*er.
So be it. Don't let her clock pressure you into this decision.

*She knows I'm not happy but I don't think she knows how unhappy I am.* 
She probably knows, but it doesn't matter. She thinks you won't leave her, and you sure as hell won't leave her after a kid comes along. Her needs are being met at some min level in this marriage, so she sees no need to change. My experience...having kids will likely cause increased tension in your already-not-good marriage.


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## GridGal (Jul 3, 2012)

I can't tell you what to do because I'm not in your wife's shoes, and I'm sure there are many other dynamics that may be involved. I will say though that there have been times when my husband and I are at an impasse about ongoing issues, and the only option that's helped has been going to see a counselor who can speak into the situation from a neutral perspective. If it's an issue that's obviously been there a while, then it's going to take work - individually, but maybe also with professional help from someone who can really get at the heart of what's behind each of your responses toward the situation. Determine that you're in it for the long haul, for better or worse. Show her that you're fighting for her by being willing to do what it takes to fight for your marriage, even it means confronting things that are painful and unhealthy in your relationship. Hard as it might be to go through, it's what I'd want my husband to do.


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