# Is asking for/requesting or even complaining about lack of sex pathetic?



## RacingHeart (Aug 10, 2012)

Just wondering what the general thoughts are on this. My husband and I often argue about this. He is the one not willing to have any kind of healthy sex life and it is over years destroying me inside and out. 

A little background. I am in my early 30's and he is in his late 30's. Married for 7 and together for like 7 lol. Literally married a few months after meeting. Anyway it is a common thing for it to come up and it never ends well. Always being called pathetic and that there is something wrong with because I can remember the last time we did it. He makes feel like a complete fool for enjoying it with him. You would think over time that I would just throw in the towel. I can't, I'm pissed and sick of it.

Anyone have any thoughts on how I can approach this without coming off as pathetic and needy?


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

I don't think it's pathetic or needy. I think it's normal to want to have sex with the person you married, love and are IN love with. Is he resentful about anything? Have you nurtured your friendship? Are you meeting his primary Love Language? Believe me, that is HUGE. When you aren't getting your needs met, even if you think you're being a good wife [and you probably ARE], if HE feels like his needs aren't being met, then no roll in the hay for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, I'm going to have a gazillion questions.... 

How often do you want to have sex?
How often are you asking for sex?
How often do you get sex with him?

What was your sex life like with him before? Was it always like this?

Does your husband use porn? masterbate often? Would you even know if he does these things?

Has he had his hormone levels checked to see if his problem is low hormones? Does he suffer from ED?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing date-like things... just the two of you with no one else?

Does he work? How many hours a week?

Do you work outside the home? if so how many hours a week?

Do you have children? If so how many and ages?

What are his major complants about your (list no more than the top 4)?

I can give a better response after all of that is answered. But to let you know... there is nothing wrong with you. Withholding sex for a long period of time can be considered emotional abuse if there is no good reason for it ... like his ying yang fell off. 

I've gone through this as well. My husband's problem is that about 5 years ago he seems to have decided that internet porn and virtual sex worlds online are better than real life sex.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*The Talk: Yes - the dreaded talk - a script for an HD-LD conversation*

RH,
I am going to start with a disclaimer: I believe that this approach is most likely to be effective if your spouse is reasonably sane. But it is also most likely to be effective if you WANT the truth, regardless of whether it hurts.

I really think the only possible shot you have at fixing a SM is to truly understand WHY you are being refused. Focusing on "having sex" or persuading your partner to have sex, when you don't even know why they don't want to, is a big mistake because it is NOT sustainable. If however you can really find out WHY they dislike sex with you, you will at least know whether or not you have a prayer of fixing it.

What I describe below is technically simple. It is likely to be emotionally hard to execute. It is a given you need to pick a time/place where you won't have interruptions. Before you start prepare yourself mentally/emotionally. The reason this is going to be SO DIFFICULT is that your refuser is going to feel:
- Anxious or possibly even frightened
- Fear often expresses as anger
- Their goal is going to be to put all the blame on you, but not typically in a manner that lends itself to a "solution".
- They generally do NOT want to be specific, certainly not specific about intimate desire related thoughts, feelings, and preferences

The ideal "affect" for this conversation is "calm and open minded, the focus is on gaining a greater understanding of your partner, and also FIRM and FOCUSED. Determined to obtain that understanding even if it is uncomfortable". With that preamble - you lead off with (1) below, and proceed through the script. 


1. I know you realize how distressed I am about our lack of sex life. Lets not spend a lot of time talking about how I feel, since that isn't going to produce a good result or a fair one. At best I might cause you to feel guilty enough to connect with me a few times purely out of guilt, but that outcome isn't healthy or fair to either of us. At worst it is just going to make both of us angry or sad or both. So lets just acknowledge that this is a huge issue to me and move on. AND YOU NEED TO FORCE AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THIS - SIMPLY TO AVOID LATER PSYCHO CONVERSATIONS WHERE YOU ARE TOLD THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THIS WAS TROUBLING YOU.

If you get resistance on obtaining that acknowledgement, there is a way to make it all but impossible for your refuser to skip this step. And that can be done like this:
a. You need to understand that I am NOT asking you to accept some/much/all the blame for this. In fact recognizing that this is really hurting me does not imply you have ANY blame for the situation. It is not step one in blaming you for anything. It is however step 1 in you conveying that you hear and understand me.
b. Given that - I am simply asking you to acknowledge that you understand how much this hurts ME.

If you cannot get this - it is pointless to proceed. You are dealing with someone who either lacks a sense of fairness or who doesn't respect you enough to even acknowledge your feelings. If you choose to remain with this person, you should calibrate your expectations accordingly.

Assuming you were able to get acknowledgement that this is a BIG issue to you. And do not for a second lose sight of how important that is. The refusers explicit acknowledgement of your pain is the emotional fuel/lever for the entire rest of the talk. If you allow them to minimize your pain/your needs, it becomes VERY easy for them to rationalize not being cooperative, not being willing to put much effort into the rest of the discussion.

2. I accept (you need to mask your anger/resentment/frustration here or you are fuvked) neither of us directly controls our feelings of desire/arousal. And I recognize that somehow that process - is somewhat "autonomic" - like our heart rate. We don't directly control our heart rate any more than our "desire" level.

Pause here and get them to react - if need be ask if this makes any sense. If you want someone to open up, first you have to make them feel safe. The basis for comparing desire to heart rate is we DON'T have direct control of either, but have huge indirect control of both. If they ask what this has to do with anything - just ask them to bear with you.

3. So I don't blame you/hold you responsible for not automatically feeling desire for me "you need to accept and believe this because ultimately it IS true". What I DO hold you responsible for is TELLING ME what turns you on and off. Because I thought I knew but clearly I don't understand you as well as I need to.

4. I need you to take a leap of faith here and trust me. I need to know you can be honest with me about what triggers and what kills, your desires. I wish I could read your mind but I can't. I promise not to get defensive or complain, as long as YOU are talking about factors that effect desire, not general purpose things like "I wish you did more housework".

The response you get to (4) will be very helpful ONLY IF two things are true. Your refuser actually believes that these things are "fixable" and they believe you will not erupt if you don't like what you hear.

If you sense they are "on the fence" you may be able to tilt them over the edge by asking very specific questions. Only you will know what to ask - I throw some out below just as an example.
- Forget about me for the moment, what stuff in general gets you going? I used to think that watching a racy movie got you hot, has that changed?
- Is there certain stuff you like to read - vampire stories - whatever - that is a turn on?

As for me - I just need you to help me out. Forget about hurting my feelings - be raw.
- Am I too thin, to fat
- Am I too emotional, not emotional enough
- Do I not last long enough when we have intercourse
- Am I too gentle, too rough, too boring to kinky? TELL ME
- Talk to me - tell me what the deal is

The interesting thing about 4 is this. The more anxious and avoidant they become when you are pressing for answers, the more likely that THEY believe the desire problem is not fixable.

Blocking techniques all fall into one of four categories:
- Stating that they simply "don't know" what turns them on. (this is where you have to start deciding how much pressure you want to apply)

- Hostile silence (your response: You seem angry, why is that? I am the one who is feeling rejected and unloved, all I am doing is trying to understand WHY, how come that is making you angry?)

- Describing the MYTHICAL PERFECT ENVIRONMENT. If only YOU could remove all stressors and distractions from my life I might be able to have sex with you.
- Asking for an unspecified amount of additional time to get over:
a. Being mad at you about something that is a fabricated construct to avoid sex
b. The death of a parent, a third cousin by marriage, the pet goldfish they brought home from the fish store that died after 2 days

It is easier to not get angry if you recognize the type of blocking being used.







RacingHeart said:


> Just wondering what the general thoughts are on this. My husband and I often argue about this. He is the one not willing to have any kind of healthy sex life and it is over years destroying me inside and out.
> 
> A little background. I am in my early 30's and he is in his late 30's. Married for 7 and together for like 7 lol. Literally married a few months after meeting. Anyway it is a common thing for it to come up and it never ends well. Always being called pathetic and that there is something wrong with because I can remember the last time we did it. He makes feel like a complete fool for enjoying it with him. You would think over time that I would just throw in the towel. I can't, I'm pissed and sick of it.
> 
> Anyone have any thoughts on how I can approach this without coming off as pathetic and needy?


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

*Re: The Talk: Yes - the dreaded talk - a script for an HD-LD conversation*



MEM11363 said:


> RH,
> I am going to start with a disclaimer: I believe that this approach is most likely to be effective if your spouse is reasonably sane. But it is also most likely to be effective if you WANT the truth, regardless of whether it hurts.
> 
> I really think the only possible shot you have at fixing a SM is to truly understand WHY you are being refused. Focusing on "having sex" or persuading your partner to have sex, when you don't even know why they don't want to, is a big mistake because it is NOT sustainable. If however you can really find out WHY they dislike sex with you, you will at least know whether or not you have a prayer of fixing it.
> ...


TAM Hall of Fame post :smthumbup: :iagree:


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

yeah, what Voice said!


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## RacingHeart (Aug 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, I'm going to have a gazillion questions....
> 
> How often do you want to have sex?
> How often are you asking for sex?
> ...


Maybe once or twice a week!

Like daily

Once a month at best

Kind of, 2nd marriage

No, no porn that I know of

No health stuff

He spends all day, 11 hours a day running our business

I work from home as of 9 mths ago!! Making money yay!!

We have 2, 4 and 6

Just lack of


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: The Talk: Yes - the dreaded talk - a script for an HD-LD conversation*

Thank you voice - this was not a "top of mind" post. 




Voiceofreason said:


> TAM Hall of Fame post :smthumbup: :iagree:


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Racing,

Fix this issue fast!

The passing of time will not make it better

If this is that impor5tant to you, tell your husband that you don't see yourself spending the rest of your life with him if he is unwilling to try and fix this issue

At your age, you still have time to meet someone with a similar drive as yours.


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