# "The Whats In It For Me Syndrome"



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"The whats in it for me syndrome!" Well, that what I call it anyway. I'm not sure there is a correct name for it. 

My question is, there are people out here who live their lives by just that. They wont do for another out of the goodness of their heart or love, but they only do it if they can get something out of it for themselves. I see this lots in marriages. I have a friend who is married to someone like this. He only does certain things if there is something in it for him. He will not help with the kids, help with house stuff, be there for her when she needs him. He doesn't even have empathy for her where most people would in certain situations etc. Kind of like, If you do for me I will do for you, but if you don't, then F8ck you, I'm not doing anything. Some of those things would be what a husband/parents is supposed to do out of out love, respect, etc, but not him. 

Some examples she gave me, were (and he hasn't said this verbally, but shes going based on his actions as the way he comes across.)

*I'm not helping you with the kids because you lost your job 3 weeks ago and haven't gotten another one yet.

*I'm not going to have any empathy for you even though you got back some bad test results from the doctor because you didn't have sex with me. 

*I'm not sticking up for you because my family is talking about you like a dog, you deserved to be talked about like that.

What causes some people to act this way? Selfishness?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One thing I learned through my marriage counseling was that my wife and I made a lot of incorrect assumptions about each others thoughts and intentions because we assumed we knew what the other person was thinking. Often we would attribute a negative intention to something that wasn't intended that way.

Just my $0.02 worth...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

PBear said:


> One thing I learned through my marriage counseling was that my wife and I made a lot of incorrect assumptions about each others thoughts and intentions because we assumed we knew what the other person was thinking. Often we would attribute a negative intention to something that wasn't intended that way.
> 
> Just my $0.02 worth...
> 
> ...


I understand that. I think since they have been married close to 20 years she knows him pretty well and how he operates. Plus, when she fell down the steps not long ago off the porch, he just sat there reading the paper on the porch, didn't even act concerned or ask if she was ok. Her counselor she has talked to, actually thinks there might be some BPD there, which might explain part of it. He lived in and grew up in pure dysfunction. Healthy relationships were nothing they knew about. 

Even if there was no wondering about the BPD just seems a awful way to treat someone you supposedly love.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> What causes some people to act this way? Selfishness?


Because other people ALLOW it.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Because other people ALLOW it.


True that might be the case as far as allowing it, but it didn't start there, my guess learned behavior. Unfortunately some people don't care to unlearn a behavior for the sake of their marriage/kids.However, in her case she really can't get out at this point with no job. I'm sure if she once she got a job and saved some money she would probably be outta there. I think she had enough.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Yes, sounds like a learned behavior, especially since you stated he lived in a dysfunctional family who knew nothing about healthy relationships. People can't give what they don't have in them to give. Yes, it can be learned but he has to want to. 

Whether he has possible BPD or not, he sounds like a difficult person to live with. Some people definitely lack that empathy chip, and thats sad. I hope your friend wises up, no one deserves that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's the "giver and taker" dynamic. The "What's in it for me" is the taker.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

He sounds like a narcissist. I mean the fact your friend fell down steps, he saw it and didn't even ask if she was ok, is just plain cruel.  Its almost like, she deserved to fall if his needs weren't being meant. :scratchhead:


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> "The whats in it for me syndrome!" Well, that what I call it anyway. I'm not sure there is a correct name for it.
> 
> My question is, there are people out here who live their lives by just that. They wont do for another out of the goodness of their heart or love, but they only do it if they can get something out of it for themselves. I see this lots in marriages. I have a friend who is married to someone like this. He only does certain things if there is something in it for him. He will not help with the kids, help with house stuff, be there for her when she needs him. He doesn't even have empathy for her where most people would in certain situations etc. Kind of like, If you do for me I will do for you, but if you don't, then F8ck you, I'm not doing anything. Some of those things would be what a husband/parents is supposed to do out of out love, respect, etc, but not him.
> 
> ...


I'm only answering this because of the question you put at the end but I in some ways used to be this way. The difference being that I cared I just didn't show it. So if someone would ask something of me I would see what I could get out that person because my childhood (and this came from my family) that if you do things only for others they will ALWAYS get over on you. For a few years I was a doormat everyone got over on. And I learned from my dad to look out for yourself first and only. 

I didn't learn from my parents the whole unconditional love, taking care of your family and that whole bit. It took me moving out of my parents house and having a guy who loved me unconditionally to change. But I wanted to change. It just took him showing me that life didn't have to be that way and I could trust people not to treat me wrong.

Anyway i'm not saying that guy is right because he's an a$s but hopefully this helps you understand. I just wished people were more conscious of their behavior instead of letting their childhoods create a$ses out of them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He sounds like my students. They're 10. 

It's a maturity thing AND an empathy thing. Children LEARN empathy by age 3. If they don't, they don't have it and have to teach themselves. He didn't teach himself.

What a turd.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. 

Jamison- You are right, about he can't give what he doesn't have to give. The problem is, he is aware of it and doesn't at least try to get some help for it or seek some counseling on how to unlearn that behavior. 

Jeeybeans- He does seem like the "taker" for sure.

AgentD- I do believe "narcissist is a good word to describe it. 

Lovesong- I get what you are saying. Also my friend is the one who can give love unconditionally, to her kids, others and she tries to give it to her husband but he makes it kinda difficult. I do not think he knows what unconditional is. I would imagine growing up the way he did, he might not know a lot about how relationships should or could work. 

As far as his upbringing, I think now as an adult and the fact he is aware of his behavior, he has the power to choose to learn new things and stop being the "victim" or he can choose to stay in victim mode and continue on with the same pattern he knows. So far it seems he chooses to play victim, and not learn new things.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He sounds like my students. They're 10.
> 
> It's a maturity thing AND an empathy thing. Children LEARN empathy by age 3. If they don't, they don't have it and have to teach themselves. He didn't teach himself.
> 
> What a turd.


:smthumbup: 

Funny you should mention maturity thing. She did tell me before he sulks just like a child when he doesn't get his way, or things in life in general aren't going right etc. 

She would ask him whats wrong, just for him to say nothing was wrong even though his actions clearly stated other wise. After years of asking whats wrong just to get told nothing, she stopped asking. Well now if she doesn't ask shes is accused of not caring. Well go figure. 

there were even times when they would get into a disagreement about something and he would go sllep in his car outside regardless of what the weather might be. She would go out and ask him why he was in his car, his response, Well I figured you didn't want me in the bed." :scratchhead: He hasn't done that in a long time, but the last time he did it, she left him out there and didn't go get him or ask him any questions. She has caught him curled up in the fetal position sucking his thumb before too after a disagreement or when he is pouting. 

Its almost like a child that seeks attention but then when they get the attention they don't want it.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> Lovesong- I get what you are saying. Also my friend is the one who can give love unconditionally, to her kids, others and she tries to give it to her husband but he makes it kinda difficult. I do not think he knows what unconditional is. I would imagine growing up the way he did, he might not know a lot about how relationships should or could work.
> 
> As far as his upbringing, I think now as an adult and the fact he is aware of his behavior, he has the power to choose to learn new things and stop being the "victim" or he can choose to stay in victim mode and continue on with the same pattern he knows. So far it seems he chooses to play victim, and not learn new things.


Exactly right, he shouldn't play the victim card. Being an adult is about being responsible for your own actions. I owned up to my faults and changed. He has to be open to that kind of love to receive it and he has to want to change. 

I didn't post that to give him an excuse but to help you understand though i feel it isn't right. Unfortunately we in America I think deal with this a lot. Where people that are adults are still being influenced by the negative memories of their childhoods. They can change but no one can do it for them and they have to want to change. 

People meet me and if i tell them the horrors of how I grew up they don't believe me because I am such a nice person. Not to sound conceited but that's what they say "i don't believe you, your too nice" Or they'll say, how did you not end up like them?? Like it's magic. And I tell them by putting one foot in front of the other and making baby steps. But again that person has to want to change.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going with narcissist. And they never change.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Maybe he has been taken advantage of in the past and viewed it as a lesson learned. Maybe he was the giver and someone else took till he had nothing left. And as someone else here said, she allows it to happen.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Wow! I also agree with narcissist. Some of these things you mentioned definitley sound like learned behaviors. Unless he makes it up in his mind he wants to change, I have a feeling things will likely carry on like this. 

I hope for your friends sake and sanity she will no longer allow this. If that means her leaving and getting out of the situation then thats what she has to do. If she has been married to a man like this for almost 20 years its not likely he will change. these are ingrained behaviors. They can be extremely hard to get rid of. 

Some of the way he is acting reminds me of someone looking for that mother type of figure. Either your friend is not one of those (which is a good thing actually) Or maybe she used to be, and she wised up and now he is pissed.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

"What's in it for me syndrome" = human nature. Nobody does anything without the incentive of some real or perceived benefit. Even things we commonly describe as selfless - volunteering for a charity, donating to a good cause - we do because we're getting something out of it, i.e. it makes us feel good about ourselves, makes us look good in front of others, conforms to a religious belief, etc.
There's not wrong or right about this. It's just the way we are. Some people are just more blatant about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

AgentD said:


> He sounds like a narcissist. I mean the fact your friend fell down steps, he saw it and didn't even ask if she was ok, is just plain cruel.  Its almost like, she deserved to fall if his needs weren't being meant. :scratchhead:



:iagree: I find that to be seriously disturbing. :scratchhead:


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> "What's in it for me syndrome" = human nature. Nobody does anything without the incentive of some real or perceived benefit. Even things we commonly describe as selfless - volunteering for a charity, donating to a good cause - we do because we're getting something out of it, i.e. it makes us feel good about ourselves, makes us look good in front of others, conforms to a religious belief, etc.
> There's not wrong or right about this. It's just the way we are. Some people are just more blatant about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is true. Even the people who claim to love unconditionally. Well, there is a condition, you expect love back. Everyone does things for an expected response. just to differing degrees.


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