# who wants to have sex with someone who complains all the time



## bluesunset (Aug 31, 2013)

my husband and I have been married for 17 years . I have never enjoyed sex as much as he does but would at times. lately he has not been feeling well,his back hurts his feet hurt he's tired and sleeps alot but still wants sex. He even makes jokes about having to go without. how can i be attracted to a man that complains all thetime . hes never happy, there's always something bothering him. I just cant feel anything for him. am I wrong to avoid sex and him most of the time. {sex more oten than not}


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

Honey....is that you?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

bluesunset said:


> my husband and I have been married for 17 years . I have never enjoyed sex as much as he does but would at times. lately he has not been feeling well,his back hurts his feet hurt he's tired and sleeps alot but still wants sex. He even makes jokes about having to go without. how can i be attracted to a man that complains all thetime . hes never happy, there's always something bothering him. I just cant feel anything for him. am I wrong to avoid sex and him most of the time. {sex more oten than not}


Don't blame you, but get ready for the bitter HD brigade. Stick around a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

How much would you say you are having sex and how often would you say you are turning down sex?

And no, I would not care to have sex with someone who is a chronic complainer.

Does he complain about everything then or just a lack of sex?


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

bluesunset said:


> my husband and I have been married for 17 years ... am I wrong to avoid sex and him...


That really depends on what you're looking for in the next 17 years. You didn't give us much information to go on, but I'll take a wild guess anyway. One spouse is never going to take over the relationship, but there can be periods of time where one takes the lead for a while, and not just in sex, but perhaps in lots of things. Have you finished fantisizing of youself as a sexless old person, "bluesunset the dominitrix?"


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

techmom said:


> Don't blame you, but get ready for the bitter HD brigade. Stick around a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha! Well, I'm HD married to an LD woman and here is my take:

Negativity / chronic complaining is about the biggest turnoff there is. They are energy vampires. It is toxic. You can try to have sympathy for their crisis of the day but in the end, it just turns to noise. Some people are only happy when they are unhappy. They choose their unhappiness. I would quickly lose sexual attraction to a person like that, no matter how physically attractive they might be. 

OP, I'm not quite clear. At first it sounded like this is something recent ... related to some health issues / pains. You left it off sounding like he has always been like this. Can you provide more information?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

To super generalize: You're not sexually attracted to your husband and therefore don't want to have sex with him. 

Men are supposed to be stoic, strong and have a high tolerance for pain. As adults we know this is kind of unfair to men. 

Bluesunset, write more about this. Do you feel like his mommy sometimes? Or maybe a lot of times? That certainly doesn't promote sexual attraction. Are there times that you DO see him in a sexually attractive light?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Ha! Well, I'm HD married to an LD woman and here is my take:
> 
> Negativity / chronic complaining is about the biggest turnoff there is. They are energy vampires. It is toxic. You can try to have sympathy for their crisis of the day but in the end, it just turns to noise. Some people are only happy when they are unhappy. They choose their unhappiness. I would quickly lose sexual attraction to a person like that, no matter how physically attractive they might be.
> 
> OP, I'm not quite clear. At first it sounded like this is something recent ... related to some health issues / pains. You left it off sounding like he has always been like this. Can you provide more information?


Yep. Took me a long time to figure this out. Just the past few months I have quit moping and complaining, and it has had a positive impact in my life.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thound, I'm glad you're here. Early Grayce has stolen your line!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Thound, I'm glad you're here. Early Grayce has stolen your line!


I'm honored. :smthumbup:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think that at this point, you either try to fix it (counseling, explore other medical options for his conditions, etc.), or end it. Neither of you is happy or making the marriage work, and both of you need to do so to keep it together. Leaving things as they are will just let things deteriorate and the decision will be made for you.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Perhaps more sex would equal less complaining. Just Saying...


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## bluesunset (Aug 31, 2013)

well maybe I didnt give enough information,just trying to make a long story short. I'm 47 and my husband is 43, the age difference doesn't bother us . we havent had sex in over 2 months. and then it didnt work out . he couldnt ,you know what i mean ,it happened twice . it started with me only doing it to be a good wife and show him i still care,but then he couldnt. he is seeing a doctor but they cant find anything . he's like a dark cloud hanging over my head. we always had our hard times but lately the rain won't stop and i feel like i'm being pulled under.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Okay, wow you've got a MUCH more serious issue here than his complaining about aches and pains.

You don't want to have sex with him, but give in on occasion. Do you think this makes him feel loved and desired? If he has gone several years of sex that is mostly you giving in, he likely feels completely and totally inadaquate and unloved. That is more than enough to make a man impotent.

So now your husband has ED and I'm gonna be totally honest here, it's your fault. he hasn't felt loved or desired by you for a long time. That makes a man feel inadequate in the sex deptartment, putting heaps of performance pressure on himself because maybe if he was a better lover you'd be more inclined to love him. 

Men equate sex with love. To a man, having sex fills him with a sense of love so much so that he simply can't feel LOVED unless sex is part of the picture. Your husband NEEDS you to show him you love him by enthusiastically having sex with him.

This will snowball straight into hell if you don't work on showing each other the kind of love you each need.

Buy the book The 5 Love Languages. Read it with your husband.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Do you expect your husband to remain faithful on the days you are unpleasant? Do you expect him to go to work on the days he's unhappy with you or on days he'd just rather not? My vows didn't mention anything about "if you feel like it."


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay, wow you've got a MUCH more serious issue here than his complaining about aches and pains.
> 
> You don't want to have sex with him, but give in on occasion. Do you think this makes him feel loved and desired? If he has gone several years of sex that is mostly you giving in, he likely feels completely and totally inadaquate and unloved. That is more than enough to make a man impotent.
> 
> ...


:iagree::smthumbup:

Let me add also, the desire to enjoy enthusiastic sex is not the monopoly of men.. Some women also has that desire, if they love their husband really truly (but not women who says "he's ok as a provider, but not ok as a lover)


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## bluesunset (Aug 31, 2013)

How can it be my fault? he rarely spends any time with me, when he does he's telling me how bad he hurts. or asking me does he look tired . yea thats a real turn on. if sex is the only way a man can feel or express love then i guess alot of men are in deep trouble , a laugh a smile a hug goes along way. sex does not equal love. we used to have fun together but not any more ,I feel like im being used.


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## bluesunset (Aug 31, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> :iagree::smthumbup:
> 
> Let me add also, the desire to enjoy enthusiastic sex is not the monopoly of men.. Some women also has that desire, if they love their husband really truly (but not women who says "he's ok as a provider, but not ok as a lover)


what does this mean?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

bluesunset said:


> How can it be my fault? he rarely spends any time with me, when he does he's telling me how bad he hurts. or asking me does he look tired . yea thats a real turn on. if sex is the only way a man can feel or express love then i guess alot of men are in deep trouble , a laugh a smile a hug goes along way. sex does not equal love. we used to have fun together but not any more ,I feel like im being used.


Well then, you are both at loggerheads aren't you.

It's the old cruel trick of nature, A man needs sex to feel love a woman needs to be loved to want sex. (in general).

One of you is going to have to be the bigger 'man' here aren't you?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What a cruel tick of nature....
landing me with such a louse! 
God knows how I've lasted, 
living with this bastard in the house.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Neither of your needs are being met. What is it that makes you happy? In order to get that you need to stop the cycle your in and start making some changes. And that means changing you. Start being the best wife you can be and pretty soon you should start getting something in return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Apologies Blue..couldn't help breaking into song.

Your predicament is a relatively common one. I suggest you read through several threads here paying particular attention to the ones where a husband is upset about his wife turning him down and turning him away.

You both need to get back in touch with those love birds who did nice things for each other, said nice things to each other and essentially acted like they loved each other. Both of you need this. Someone has to get the ball rolling and since you're the one here we select you to do it!

Do you want a good marriage? Do you want to be. Love with your husband and have him treat you as if he loves you too? Read, buy the books suggested. Talk with your husband and post here when you feel stuck. This is kind of like self help for the sexual lives of committed couples. We can't do the work for you, but we can point you to where the best info can be found, the rest is up to you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay, wow you've got a MUCH more serious issue here than his complaining about aches and pains.
> 
> You don't want to have sex with him, but give in on occasion. Do you think this makes him feel loved and desired? If he has gone several years of sex that is mostly you giving in, he likely feels completely and totally inadaquate and unloved. That is more than enough to make a man impotent.
> 
> ...


Wow, so eloquently said. Anon you hit it right on the head. Kudos!!!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

bluesunset said:


> what does this mean?


What does it mean? It means not laying there like a slab of meat. It means making passionate love to your man, and acting like you can't get enough of his good loving, and it means forcing yourself to act this way even if your not feeling it. At least thats the way I feel about it.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

bluesunset said:


> what does this mean?


There are women out who loves sex very much, so they have desire to enjoy having sex with their husbands.

There are women who does not enjoy having sex with their husbands much, even though their husbands already being good partner and/or provider.

There are men who does not enjoy having sex with their wives too, for various reasons.

I personally think, if a husband or wife does not enjoy having sex with their wife or husband, to the point where doing it feels like "work" and/or even "being raped" or "being taken advantages of", then why bother continuing the marriage. It is obvious that the libido and/or desire are not compatible, and continuing this kind of life is a torture. But this is just my own observation. I am sure other people thinks differently.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Bluesunset- there is a book called His Needs Her Needs that addresses 'Why men *need* sex'. 
I had so many 'Ah-ha' the first time i read it.... 

It also addresses the other most common needs for men and women. It would be a great read for both of you as neither of you are getting your needs met at the moment.

We read this book together...one chapter a night and we talked about each chapter.

I'm certain you would learn a lot about a mans thinking/feelings on sex from reading it. I know i did. On the whole men DO think differently than females ...but it's a not a right or wrong thing. We're just wired differently. 

You probably know this deep down but few marriages can be happy and healthy without a happy and healthy sex life. Sex is a bonding behavior designed by god/mother nature to keep us together. Without it the bond lessens and lessens...until you no longer feel bonded to each other. If it sounds silly read up on pair bonding or love hormones.



OK..... there's heaps more going on here... I just read your other post about the financial controlling and refusing to get your vehicle fixed.
I imagine your mad as hell...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband always complains about something.. Too tired, back hurts, feet hurt and on and on and it is a huge turn off.. When you hear the same thing over and over again it becomes an annoyance. Like complaining about it is going to make it better! I have aches and pains too, but i never complain about them because it won't change anything and it's not like he will rub my back anyway.

It is the same every freaking day


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## bluesunset (Aug 31, 2013)

Thound said:


> What does it mean? It means not laying there like a slab of meat. It means making passionate love to your man, and acting like you can't get enough of his good loving, and it means forcing yourself to act this way even if your not feeling it. At least thats the way I feel about it.


Passionate love? whats that? and who said he was any good at it? do you ever just tune someone or somethinng out because they have said it all before ,you were passionate about their passion at one time but your just tired of it. so your mind wanders and you nod and smile in the right places just to let them know your still listening but your not. Thats kinda the way it is with me and making love


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## bluesunset (Aug 31, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Bluesunset.
> OK..... there's heaps more going on here... I just read your other post about the financial controlling and refusing to get your vehicle fixed.
> I imagine your mad as hell...


yea your right I am mad,and hurt ,disappointed, angry,and confussed. how did we go so wrong and why do I still care so much about him? I know he tries and I don't even think he know how much he does control me.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This is something I haven't mastered yet. My aches and pains are more like wretched ancient torture. As soon as the complaints leave my mouth I immediately regret it. But the damage is done...the wife is repulsed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you a stay at home wife?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ladybird said:


> My husband always complains about something.. Too tired, back hurts, feet hurt and on and on and it is a huge turn off.. When you hear the same thing over and over again it becomes an annoyance. Like complaining about it is going to make it better! I have aches and pains too, but i never complain about them because it won't change anything and it's not like he will rub my back anyway.
> 
> It is the same every freaking day


Why won't he rub your back? Do you rub his back?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bluesunset said:


> yea your right I am mad,and hurt ,disappointed, angry,and confussed. how did we go so wrong and why do I still care so much about him? I know he tries and I don't even think he know how much he does control me.


Oh Blue...you are really hurting right now. Youve got two threads, one about your husband controlling the finances, and you through them and this one.

It's all related honey. Of course you're mad, angry, confused, upset, sometimes hate him but know you also love him.

Can you talk a little bit about the biggest 3 things that make you feel hurt and disappointed? Lets just focus on those things right here in this thread?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bluesunset said:


> yea your right I am mad,and hurt ,disappointed, angry,and confussed. how did we go so wrong and why do I still care so much about him? I know he tries and I don't even think he know how much he does control me.


To add to that, neither of you is meeting the others needs from the sounds of it.

You can choose to stay and be miserable, or leave and deal with starting your life over or do something about this.

Marriage is a journey. Sometimes you get stuck in quicksand.. and sometimes it takes a long time to figure how to get out of it. But there is a way out.

You are the one here looking for solutions.. good for you. So you get to be the one who brings positive changes to your relationship.

Start by reading "Divorce Busting". Then, as suggest above read "His Needs, Her Needs" with your husband, discuss it and do the work. Then read "Love Busters" together and do the work together.

If you do that and put your heart into it, you will come out the other end in a very good place.. and no more quicksand.

ETA: I did not put 2+2 together.. that you are the poster with the husband how is soooo controlling. You can do the above. If he will not cooperate then leaving your marriage is probably your best bet.


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## bluesunset (Aug 31, 2013)

Thank you for the advice. It helps so much just to be able to talk about things. I guess the top three things are money,love and sex. I feel like his mommy and a little kid both at the same time. Our marriage has been a roller coaster but now I want on the lazy river. He is the person I want to be on it with. I want to be able to lean on him when times get tough,to feel safe . To look forward to him coming home,and to bedtime when he pulls me close. someone to talk to and share the small stuff with. Tell me am I asking for too much,am I?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Personally speaking, a little pick-me-up loving does wonders for my hubs when he's feeling grumpy.....just say'in....


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Why won't he rub your back? Do you rub his back?


 Usually i do. I just did it today


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bluesunset said:


> Thank you for the advice. It helps so much just to be able to talk about things. I guess the top three things are money,love and sex. I feel like his mommy and a little kid both at the same time. Our marriage has been a roller coaster but now I want on the lazy river. He is the person I want to be on it with. I want to be able to lean on him when times get tough,to feel safe . To look forward to him coming home,and to bedtime when he pulls me close. someone to talk to and share the small stuff with. Tell me am I asking for too much,am I?


No, I don't think this is too much to ask for, but this doesn't seem to connect to what you wrote in your other posts.

I get the connection between feeling like his Mommy when he complains of aches and pains. And I get the connection with his control over money and you feeling like a kid.

it would be helpful if you wrote more about things that youwant him to do for you, being specific. For instance you could say I want him to help with the kids with out being asked, or I want him to let me be a partner in in the financial aspect, we could pay bills and balance the check book together, we could shop together... That kind of specifics...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Personally speaking, a little pick-me-up loving does wonders for my hubs when he's feeling grumpy.....just say'in....


Kinda like medicine, huh?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Doesn't sound sexy to me. In fact, have you told him this?

I mean, you can only speak your needs. He can speak his. But...i couldn't have sex with someone that I am annoyed by or feel pity for. Yuck.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Been there, recently. The W took to complaining a lot...about everything. Back hurts. Arm hurts. Puzzy hurts. Back hurts some more. Ovarian cysts. Too hot. Too cold. Too tired (not as an excuse to avoid sex, she never does that, but just generally griping about way too much). And on and on. Now, I'm the most compassionate guy in the world when it comes to real issues (like the cysts, etc), and have ZERO problem helping and abstaining for as long as it's an issue...but most of this stuff was minor annoyances. 

My high drive went into the basement. I talked to her about it a couple of times, to little avail. Then I just got pizzed. And when I got pizzed, I let her know she was being an annoying pain in my butt, and I was losing attraction for her. I waa avoiding her. 

Work is a bummer. The commute is a bummer. I don't want to come home to another bummer! 

For the first time ever, less real health issues, our sex became non-existent. And it was me who was avoiding it. I was seriously losing attraction for her. I thought I knew why, and I'm sure I did, but I actually lost physical attraction for her as well. 

Whatever happened, she finally stopped complaining about all but the most serious issues. And I, after a little while, found I couldn't keep my hands off her again. 

She commented the other day "wow, you're back, aren't you". I just said "yes, because you are too". 

All of that crap has a VERY REAL affect on your attractiveness to someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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