# How do you get past the hurts?



## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

I need some help from some other wives out there... I know we've all been hurt by our husbands... some small, others bigger. But how do you get over them? I think I have a problem obsessing over something until I feel it's been "made right."

i.e. (and I'm copying this from my other post) We just had our 20 year anniversary. And he did nothing. We talked about trips... I said I would go on any one of them, but none of them seemed right or *perfect* to him. It finally arrived and I bought him flowers, made dinner reservations, hired a babysitter and made a video for him of our 20 years together. He didn't do anything except pay for dinner. I don't think there was a card or a flower at all. The only thing I'm left feeling is that a trip with _just_ _me_ wasn't good or exciting enough. He needed some other event to coincide with it in order to make the trip worthwhile.

We did go on an un-related weekend getaway... something he said he didn't want to "count" as our 20 year trip... just a trip to Vegas to see his favorite band. But I still saw it as an opportunity for him to DO SOMETHING with me or for me to kind of make up for our lack of an anniversary event. But he didn't plan anything. The worst part is that I KNEW he wouldn't even when I still had hope. I was packing in my closet and broke down in tears... thinking of all the possibilities that were open in Vegas without junior, and knowing that he would do none of them. I guess it doesn't occur to him? Sometimes I feel like I'm just one of the guys to him. I have always worked in a male-dominated field and I don't typically do a lot of "girly" things. I don't know if I should expect those types of feminine things from him if I'm not going to be a girly-girl.

On the same vein, this past year I've lost weight with Weight Watchers. I finally reached my goal weight... something that is celebrated in the meeting and rewarded with a Lifetime Keychain, etc., but I got nothing from him other than a "Hey that's great. That must make you really happy."

I don't really expect physical gifts from him... he's not a flowers & candy kind of guy. But I expected something. I just don't see those actions as the kind of thing a man does if he wants to stay married. Aren't those all things you would do if you wanted to start a fight? Consciously or not? It feels like Marriage 101 is to compliment your wife when she loses weight. Celebrating an anniversary with a heartfelt emotion is what's normally expected, right?

I have no idea why he's shutting me out like this. It feels very unconscious on his part. It doesn't occur to him to compliment me on my weight loss, he doesn't approach me for sex, and he very rarely has positive things to say to me. I think his words say "You know I love you baby," but his actions say "Get the hell away from me, you repulse me."

We've started going to MC and the C says H may be making me into one of the guys. C wants me to work on "receiving" what care and attention I do get from hubby... but I find myself so hardened and closed off I don't receive anything. I just want him to leave me alone with my child so I can enjoy Christmas without him. I'm hurt and until he fixes this I don't want to try anything else and I don't want to be open to anything else.

So how do I get over that feeling? I've told him (in the counselor's office and at home) that I NEED some type of acknowledgment of our anniversary. That I would LIKE some type of "congratulations" on my weight loss. So I feel like I've told him what I want... I'm not expecting him to be a mind reader.

But he's obviously not going to do it... or at least not anytime soon. I just want to enjoy my son's Christmas and not be hurting all the time thinking of how little my H thinks of me.

How do you get over the hurt?


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

I can relate to your experience. Since we were married 12 years ago, my H has not remembered a single anniversary or birthday of mine. It hurt me tremendously for the first 1/2 of our marriage. I don't think I obsessed about it, but maybe he would see it differently. 

Now, I'm simply used to it. How did I get over it? I DECIDED that I would not let his actions define my special events. I stopped looking to him for affirmation and instead chose to look at and to myself. I did this in a tangible way. Rather than thinking about it constantly and focusing on the big events he missed, I tried to catch him doing the little things that matter day to day. I kept two journals - one for me and one about him. The first, the one about me, was dedicated to writing down things I was proud of accomplishing. Somedays it was simple - I finished everything on my list or spent a whole hour reading with my kids and didn't let anything else interrupt that time. Somedays it was big news - I graduated with my Masters' Degree or Our daughter was born. The second one, the one about him, I forced myself to identify AT LEAST one thing that he did every day that was helpful to me or good for our family - i.e. H started a load of laundry without being asked, H helped me with the dishes after dinner, H spent hours pitching with our son. Instead of focusing on the stuff that made me crazy, it helped me see the little things. 

I'm not sure I'm one to give advice here considering the state of my marriage at this point, but I know that it really helped me. It helped alter my mindset and made me a stronger, more independent woman without a dependency on my husband.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't have much of a memory for dates and things, and if it wasn't for the calendar in my Mac and my iPhone I would barely be able to keep track of my own birthday, let alone anyone else's. And when special days arrive, I only know what to do because my sister wrote it down for me on a piece of paper when I had my first girlfriend. (I still keep it in my sock drawer.)

And so I remember our anniversary, because my phone tells me when it is, and I get flowers and we go to dinner, because that's what my sister said to do. But internally, I don't know why it matters so much what we do on that day as compared to everything we do for each other on every other day. I don't need a "special" day, and I don't think of it as "special" any more than any other day. Every morning when I wake up next to her is special to me; I don't feel anything different on particular days. I know that she does, so I follow the accepted protocol because it makes her happy, but inside I don't have any intuitive feel for it whatever.


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