# I need help winning back my wife's heart.



## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

I am here on the recommendation of a friend since she got some advice that helped her own marriage. My problem is that my wife caught me cheating on her in our bed. I knew what I was doing was wrong and that I was being selfish. Let me tell you the back story and that will bring me to today.

We have been married for 5 years. Only 1 son and just bought the house 6 months ago. I have a real good friend who is gay. His sexuality never bothered me and we all get along just fine. We go out sometimes together and party.

In early 2012, we went to a new club. We both had never been there before. It was a gay/***** club. Honestly, I was just going to enjoy some drinks and dance. I had never even thought about cheating on my wife. Anyway, while there, I met a very attractive woman.....or so I thought. Once we started talking, she asked for my phone and pulled up her facebook profile. She told me to read her profile and that if I was still interested, come find her. 

I read the profile and to make a long story short, she is a transvestite. I would have never known just by looking at her since she was very attractive. It intrigued me so found her and we started chatting again. We had fun, drank, and just partied. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch. Our relationship grew from being text buddies to oral sex and then to a full blown sexual relationship. I would have never expected myself to be in this position but I was honestly caught off guard. It also makes me feel bad for my wife because we generally get along and I had no reason to cheat on her. It was just my curiousity and poor judgement.

Now as far as the woman I have been seeing, it has been a roller coaster. I never had anything against trannys but she just took me by surprise. I felt like I had the best of both worlds. I could be in the presence of a very beautiful woman who just happens to like all the things I like such as sports and drinking. I connected to her as a man but her beauty kept me close to her. All the little nagging and small arguments I had with my wife were non-existent with my new friend. I'm guessing it's because she's a guy and we could understand each other a lot better. 

Back to the present, I urged my wife to go out on New Years with her friends. She really didn't want to go but I gave her every reason to go because I wanted to spend some time with my friend. After my wife life, my friend came over and we had sex in our bed. I don't know what my wife sensed but for some reason, she double backed to the house. She walked in our bedroom and found my friend inside of me. She was able to see my friends anatomy as well as the way she was dressed and my wife just put 2 and 2 together. She ran out the door crying and I felt so horrible.

Since then, she has moved out and wants a divorce. In fact, I just got the papers this week. This is not what I want and I know I made a bad decision. I need help in finding a way to convince my wife that I was just curious and this is not the real me. I understand that I hurt her and I'm really sorry for that. I want to keep my family together and I don't want things to end like this. She has basically been ignoring me and only contacts me if it has something to do with our son or the divorce. How can I win her back?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Seriously? _*You*_ want _*our*_ help? I'm sorry dude, but it sounds to me like your wife is doing all the right things. You made a conscious choice to hurt her, she recognizes that and wants you out of her life. Yes sir, she is doing all the right things.


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

I understand that but the thing is that I'm sorry and this was a one time thing. I just can't get her to understand this. I love her with all my heart and it was a big mistake.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Seriously? you want our help. i'm sorry dude, but it sounds to me like your wife is doing all the right things. You made a conscious choice to hurt her, she recognizes that and wants you out of her life. Yes sir, she is doing all the right things.


Yep. Your wife has taken the right decision, OP. In fact she's doing much better than many BS that come here. I wish her luck.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

derek1 said:


> I understand that but the thing is that I'm sorry and this was a one time thing. I just can't get her to understand this. I love her with all my heart and it was a big mistake.


Mistake or not you still have to deal with the consequences.


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

I found out 3 days ago I have been getting cheated on for the last 5 years of my marriage, so at heart i am sickened by you throwing away your family with your own planned selfish desires and fantasies, and you probably need counseling. But if you want her, show her don't tell her. How is for you to decide. You should be begging and pleading, with your actions and words. But before you do anything. Figure out what the **** you really want. If your curious then figure that out, only a bad person would earn their BS trust back and break it again. I wont take my wayward ***** back, but she didn't even beg and plead with her words really, and not at all with actions. She showed no true remorse.


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

..!..


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

If you were your wife, would you take yourself back?

This wasn't curiosity. It was premeditation.

You knew all along what you were doing.

People don't just "end up" with each others facebook page
links or cell numbers, and they most certainly don't mistakingly
just end up together in the bed that you and your wife make love in. 
You don't just have a lapse of judgement.... I don't buy it one bit.


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

Well yes, some parts were premeditated but I meant that I just kind of fell into it. It was never my original intention to sleep with anyone let alone her. I started out as being curious and then became friends. We got so close that before I knew it, we were in a sexual relationship. I know I should have backed out and say no but I just wanted to see how it would be. Had I known it would destroy my family, I would have never done it.


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

derek1 said:


> Well yes, some parts were premeditated but I meant that I just kind of fell into it. It was never my original intention to sleep with anyone let alone her. I started out as being curious and then became friends. We got so close that before I knew it, we were in a sexual relationship. I know I should have backed out and say no but I just wanted to see how it would be. *Had I known it would destroy my family, I would have never done it*.


You knew that if your wife caught you, even just thinking about him/her, let alone actually talking to, hanging out with, and getting physical with in your marriage bed, that it would deeply hurt your marriage, if not destroy it. You made that choice knowing that if she found out you were a cooked goose. You simply thought you would never get caught. thought you could have your loving wife, and please your wildest fantasies at the same time. Same thing mine did. You broke your vows, and she has every right to do what she is doing.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

No mention of STD testing - have you done that yet? She's got to be scared to death. Can you blame her? You've been having sex with a man at the same time as having sex with her, and you don't think she's worried about how you've endangered her life? HIV is scary stuff! And you've got a child to consider! What if you both end up HIV-positive?

No wonder she's furious.

And your second post says this was a "one time thing." What about the oral sex you mentioned? That counts too! So the time she caught you wasn't "one time." This was an ongoing thing - don't minimize it. And you practically pushed her out of her own house on New Year's when she didn't really want to go. And what did she come back to find? She is angry and SERIOUSLY traumatized.

Get tested for STD's, beg for forgiveness, tell the WHOLE truth, offer to go to counseling. It may not be enough, though. The trauma that she's been through is way over the top. Try seeing this through her eyes - try to imagine what she's going through. I know you're in pain too, but yours isn't even close to hers.


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

No I have not been tested for STDs and neither has my wife. I think it's probably best for me to try to prolong the divorce as long as possible at least so we can try counseling. This is the first time that I cheated on her and I am sorry I was caught. I was just so caught up in this affair that I didn't realize that I was hurting the ones close to me.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Frankly, you've proven incapable of having her heart. You don't deserve it. You're getting exactly what you deserve and asked for.

What you should be focusing on is bettering yourself as a person, so you don't selfishly put anybody else through the pain you've caused your wife.


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

derek1 said:


> No I have not been tested for STDs and neither has my wife. I think it's probably best for me to try to prolong the divorce as long as possible at least so we can try counseling. This is the first time that I cheated on her and *I am sorry I was caught*. I was just so caught up in this affair that I didn't realize that I was hurting the ones close to me.


You are sorry you were caught? You don't deserve your wife, He's right. You should be sorry for treating the woman that was willing to give her life to you like trash.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I hope you mean that you're sorry it was your wife who caught you because of the trauma it caused her. On some level, I hope you're glad you were caught because it ended the affair - because it was wrong to be cheating on your wife.

Please get tested for STD's ASAP. That's a gesture that she might appreciate. Bring the written results to her: she's not going to trust what you tell her or text her. Sorry, but your credibility is gone.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

derek1 said:


> I am sorry I was caught.


 That says it all. You are not truly sorry for your actions. You are only sorry that there are consequences. The fact that you do not understand the difference is why she should not take you back. BTW, stop calling a guy that dresses like a girl a she; at least be honesty about the fact that your lover is a he and that you are gay.

@ derrek1's wife: Be strong. I am sorry that you have to go through this, but you are doing the right thing. You deserve better then being some guy's beard.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

You should first admit that you are bisexual. Figure your identity sh-t out and why you like co-ck in your bum. Nothing wrong with that if that's your thing. but its not okay to cheat for exploration. You should be comfortable with who you are and the choices you make so that you dont go back on your commitments.

If you want to show your wife you are making real change then goto IC (individual counselling)... out yourself to her friends and family - this shows that you will endure any embarrassment for her and will hold nothing back. Apologize to her, write her a letter, tell her what you are willing to do, go camp outside her door and beg for her forgiveness and to give you time to prove yourself. 

Completely release all ego and surrender yourself to her and your fate.


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> You should first admit that you are bisexual. Figure your identity sh-t out and why you like co-ck in your bum. Nothing wrong with that if that's your thing. but its not okay to cheat for exploration. You should be comfortable with who you are and the choices you make so that you dont go back on your commitments.
> 
> If you want to show your wife you are making real change then goto IC (individual counselling)... out yourself to her friends and family - this shows that you will endure any embarrassment for her and will hold nothing back. Apologize to her, write her a letter, tell her what you are willing to do, go camp outside her door and beg for her forgiveness and to give you time to prove yourself.
> 
> Completely release all ego and surrender yourself to her and your fate.


See the thing is that I'm not gay or bisexual. As strange as it sounds, this was just an exploration/curiousity thing for me. In fact, most of the time, I imagined I was with a woman. I don't have to do any soul searching because I already know who I should be. I was just taken off course and I need my wife to see that.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother,

You cheated on your wife with a transexual...

I cannot see your wife ever getting over the shame that you caused her. I am not trying to be mean but you just went to a gay bar and hit it off... (Not that there is anything wrong with that)

You have bigger issues than your wife. I would have to tell her to D you. I am sorry for your predicament that you brought entirely on yourself.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You need to simply come to terms with your true sexuality, let your wife go, and both of you move on.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If you truly love your wife, do not oppose the divorce, do nothing to prolong it. Let her go, and focus on being the best father and ex husband you can be. She needs to heal herself. You need to do some serious introspection, you don't really seem to have any sort of grasp on what you've done, nor why. You made your choices, the chips are falling, and you're not happy with where things are going. Too god Damned bad, the results were entirely predictable, but you made your choices anyway.

Do not make her suffer anymore.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

derek1 said:


> I understand that but the thing is that I'm sorry and this was a one time thing. I just can't get her to understand this. I love her with all my heart and it was a big mistake.


No it wasn't a one time thing.

You cheated on your wife when you started going to clubs, flirting, getting numbers and sexting.

It was a many many time thing that you deliberately chose to do.

You are still minimizing and refusing to accept responsibility.

You are also clearly bisexual or full on gay, and are in denial. 

Your wife has chosen to not be married to a bisexual/gay cheater.

She's made her choice, a very reasonable one at that.

My advice: respect her choice, AND you yourself need to come to honest terms about your own sexuality. You are gay yourself.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

If she takes you back she needs help. This case she needs to move on fast and never look in the rearview mirror.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

derek1 said:


> See the thing is that I'm not gay or bisexual. As strange as it sounds, this was just an exploration/curiousity thing for me. In fact, most of the time, I imagined I was with a woman. I don't have to do any soul searching because I already know who I should be. I was just taken off course and I need my wife to see that.


You are in denial very much so. Really. A non gay person would not be sexually excited or allowing the transvestite to peg them. It just would not have gone down.

You are very much gay or bi. You are not straight. If you we're straight you would have been repulsed not excited that's this works.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

This is a pro-marriage forum of course, but I'm actually really proud of her for having her boundaries and standing up for herself. 

Beyond all of the other points, having sex with some guy in your own marital bed justifies her divorce decision. 

Also, as an aside....straight guys don't want a guy nailing them. Even with a nice wig or whatever.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You have completely shattered your wife's heart. I imagine she is traumatized and I sincerely hope that she is getting the love and support she needs from those that truly love her. Please respect her wishes and leave her alone. 

You can deny all you want, but no straight man is going to have oral sex with a tranny let alone let one peg him. You actively sought this relationship, and pushed your wife out on New Years Eve to indulge in it. Has it occurred to you that for the rest of her life EVERY New Years Eve will be a trigger? 

Please contact a close relative of your wife's and ask them to refer her to TAM, do NOT do so directly to her. She has done everything right so far, and she will find support here.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> You actively sought this relationship, and pushed your wife out on New Years Eve to indulge in it. Has it occurred to you that for the rest of her life EVERY New Years Eve will be a trigger?


Or that every time someone close to her insists she go somewhere, she will trigger.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Derek, you came here for advice, Right? This is the most relevent advice you will receive in this thread.

1) Lose the stubbornness, it's part of your problem.

2) Leave the poor woman alone. It's over. It's not your choice, there is NOTHING you can do to change HER choice. Accept it. Learn your lesson. Gay, Bi, Straight, or whatever, carry yourself like a man, instead of a spoiled narcissistic boy. You ****ed up in the worst possible way. Own it like a man.

3) Print out this entire thread. Check yourself into therapy. Show your therapist the print-out of this thread. Make it clear to him/her that you are posting under the name "derek1" (if your real name isn't Derek). LISTEN to whatever the therapist tells you, it's for your own benefit (Since that clearly is what is most important to you.).

4) Gain some perspective rooted in the reality the rest of humanity lives in.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Derek1, if you are still around :
Ignore these haters. You screwed up monumentally, but I for one, admire you for the courage to post here. It takes a lot of it.

From all the replies I read, you got only 2 helpful lines : "Get tested for Stds" and "Ask yourself, would you take yourself back? "

I'll expand this second. Would you take yourself back ? Probably not. What could your wife do, if roles were reversed, for you to take her back ? a lot of food for thought- do those things that would make YOU consider taking someone back after such a horrendous betrayal.
What you can try : send her flowers at work everyday, accompanied by the most heartfelt apologies. Do not stop until she talks to you- may take weeks, months, you just go on and be patient. ( I got back an ex that was mad at me by sending messages and little attentions constantly, together with how sorry I was ...it was not about cheating, but it still can help you too ). Find a band of mariachi and serenade at her window on your knees. ( You won't believe how many women actually get all mushy at these things...it's just that men rarely do them). If you can afford her favorite band employ them to serenade her instead - will be costly, but well worth it. You got the idea. You can expand it by googling "romantic surprises", "how to ask for forgiveness" and so on.

Once she agrees to speak to you, in addition of crying and apologies, promise full transparency. She'll know your whereabouts, have access to your devices at all times, and agree to whatever conditions she has. Ah, and that bed must go !! - what a terrible trigger ! even better, change the house. No more going to bars, not even straight ones- another trigger. Be prepared to do the hard work of winning her back, coz it won't be easy. Accept that the trust will never be regained more than maybe 50% if you're lucky.

I have given advice on how to try to win back your wife, as you asked. But ask yourself this question: Do you trully intend to be faithful to her from now on? You genuinely can tell yourself that you NEVER want to cheat on her again? If the answer is anything than YES, then ignore the advice above and proceed with the Divorce. 
Act wisely and never cheat again. good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hortensia said:


> Derek1, if you are still around :
> Ignore these haters. You screwed up monumentally, but I for one, admire you for the courage to post here. It takes a lot of it.
> .


Hortensia, offering advice is good and why we are here. However do not throw around dispersions like "hater", it doesn't advance the conversation and is a cheap technique to undercut the opinions of others by casting them as fuel by hate. It's just mindless rhetoric that's popular in some communities, but it's not at all helpful here.

People here who disagree with you are not haters. People here who call him out on the clear denial in his tale are not haters. 

Be please do not call sending his wife our alone on NYE so he could hookup with another person in his own arrange bed a mistake. It's. way way more than a mistake. Calculated deliberate betrayal by choice would be a good start.

Offer you advice on the problem, but please do it on its own merits and not by undermining others by attacks on our character.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You are in denial very much so. Really. A non gay person would not be sexually excited or allowing the transvestite to peg them. It just would not have gone down.
> 
> You are very much gay or bi. You are not straight. If you we're straight you would have been repulsed not excited that's this works.


I'm going to have a different take on this and open up the possibility that he is "mostly" straight.

I have a gay brother. He feels the way about men that I do about women. He is attracted to men and has no such attraction to women. Women do nothing for him but a hot guy stirs his whatever. He has a partner he is very much in love with and they act exactly the same with each other as any man and woman would in a straight relationship.

Many years ago I had a girlfriend who surprised me with a prostate "exam" It was completely erotic and arousing. There are men who have no problem getting 'pegged' by their girlfriend/wife. I'm not interested by that but I imagine the attraction is the stimulation the prostate. Just another sexual experience. Her stimulating my prostate and me enjoying it doesn't make me gay. It means I have a prostate. It doesn't make me aroused by the sight or thought of another man. Just the scent of an attractive woman gets me aroused but a man does nothing for me. The thought of doing anything sexual with a man pretty much invokes the gag reflex whereas my brother feels like that about women. 

Now, he keeps referring to this guy as a woman. An attractive "woman" who for all intents and purposes looks like a woman. I'm guessing that "she" also has breasts. "She" likes all the same things that he does and they've bonded like any guy would with their buddies ... except that she looks like a woman. The thought of having sex doesn't invoke the gag reflex because except for the hidden pen!s, she looks like a woman. Note: I would say most transvestites can't pull that off but some can. Now, honestly I would have to do all sorts of mental gymnastics once that pen!s comes out so I don't throw up in my mouth but maybe he was attracted enough to "her" that he was able to block that out. Maybe is was mentally able to have his prostate "examined" and fool himself into thinking he was with a woman.

I'm assuming from his statements that he doesn't find men attractive (the ones who look like men) and that he is also attracted to his own wife. That would mean he isn't gay but it doesn't mean he's straight either. Maybe bisexual but that would mean he is attracted to both women and men. His experience was with someone who looked like a woman except for one piece of anatomy that he clearly was able to overlook. Was he attracted to the woman he saw ... or the pen!s. Probably the woman but he needs to figure that out. I would say probably bi-curious at the least but not gay in the way most people think of it.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Now, he keeps referring to this guy as a woman. An attractive "woman" who for all intents and purposes looks like a woman. I'm guessing that "she" also has breasts.


He's a transvestite not a surgically transformed transgender male to female.

He's a dude dressed up to look like a chick, penis still intact, the only breasts he might have would be yucky manboobs.

So much for that theory.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

totamm said:


> He's a transvestite not a surgically transformed transgender male to female.
> 
> He's a dude dressed up to look like a chick, penis still intact, the only breasts he might have would be yucky manboobs.
> 
> So much for that theory.


Sorry, one of the weirdest memories I have is changing in a locker room at the hospital where I worked and the guy across from me took off his shirt to reveal his perfectly female breasts all because he took hormones.

I am making that assumption because in order to pull off looking exactly like a woman, chances are he had to be taking hormones. Soften the voice, facial features, grow breasts ... penis intact. Surgery is not required.

Similar to the bodybuilding women I've seen at some expositions. You get up close to them and they look like men. Their facial features become more angular, they grow hair ... they look BAD. It is because of the testosterone they are taking.

Absolutely if this was just some guy who put on a dress and a wig then yes, bi-sexual for sure. Pretty gross. I do not get the impression that this is the case here. This person is taking hormones.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

OP, I left something out : donno if you are aware but this site has a section called Articles toward the bottom of the page. There are a lot of helpful articles on how can a marriage survive infidelity, if you're serious about winning back your wife. Read them all.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Im going to have to agree with Hortensia on the haters comment. People who are not demonizing the fact that it was with a man are not haters. Those that put specific emphasis on the sex of the partner he cheated with and saying that THAT elevates the betrayal are.. yes.. haters. 

He cheated on his wife. Period. She deserves better.

The OP's sexuality is not the root cause of his betrayal, its his selfishness, just like ALL the other straight cheaters.

What we have here could be a truly remorseful spouse, something so many men and women on here have dreamed of having... remember that??? I've read the threads.. I know.. 

He wants advice about how to make it up to his wife.. so our goal should be two-fold:

1. Help him truly understand the betrayal he has done and the pain he has caused. (I think we got that covered)

2. How can he mend his wife's aching heart as best he can.

Don't forget how his actions, if sincere, can help alleviate some of her suffering too because even if she doesn't want to reconcile, him SHOWING her how much he loves her will ease her pain... doesn't it BS's?


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

I've copied a few helpful posts from this thread and sent them to her through email since she doesn't answer my calls. As far as having sex with a man/woman, I'm sure she would be upset either way. It just burns me so much to think about the way she caught me. I don't see how I can convince her to work on our marriage if she doesn't even believe I'm straight.

The truth is that I am STRAIGHT! I wouldn't call this an experiment but I would say that I was in the fog that I read about on here. It was never my intention for this to happen and I wish I could have woke up before it was too late. It was just fascination and curiousity that got the best of me. I love my wife and in the end, it's her I want to be with. I know it's easy to laugh when you are on the outside looking in but I'm sure that more than one man could fall for this woman the way that I did. I had never been exposed to someone like that and it caught me by surprise.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

derek1 said:


> I've copied a few helpful posts from this thread and sent them to her through email since she doesn't answer my calls. As far as having sex with a man/woman, I'm sure she would be upset either way. It just burns me so much to think about the way she caught me. I don't see how I can convince her to work on our marriage if she doesn't even believe I'm straight.
> 
> The truth is that I am STRAIGHT! I wouldn't call this an experiment but I would say that I was in the fog that I read about on here. It was never my intention for this to happen and I wish I could have woke up before it was too late. It was just fascination and curiousity that got the best of me. I love my wife and in the end, it's her I want to be with. I know it's easy to laugh when you are on the outside looking in but I'm sure that more than one man could fall for this woman the way that I did. I had never been exposed to someone like that and it caught me by surprise.


Derek, little it matters if you are straight or bi or whatever...She found you ...the way she found you, and in the marital bed ! You can't even imagine what is in her heart, and in her mind now. 

I understand you for being curious, but don't you think this is a curiousity you should have satisfied before getting married, while single? I'm curious about being with girls for ex. But if I didn't try it when I was free and single, much less I'm gonna do it now that I'm married...even less in the marital bed.
You need to understand how deeply hurt your wife is, and that you will need a whole lot of patience and effort to even make her speak to you. But I learnt from experience, that with love and perseverance, anything is possible.

You'll find very little support on this thread. My suggestion to you is to go to the Articles section and read it from top to the buttom. There is so much helpful info for your people in your situation there. I wish I had more advice, but this pretty much sums it up.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

A transvestite is not a woman, no matter how feminine they may look.

Saying you're straight may be a tough sell, if she's seen you taking it from a man. I'm not going to argue either way (it's a sliding scale, right, and s/he _seemed_ like a woman .. whatever.)

The deeper issue is, regardless of orientation - YOU CHEATED ON HER.

No matter who/what with, she's been betrayed. You broke your promises to her, and she's discovered it in the most shocking way imaginable.

If you do everything you possibly can to throw yourself on her mercy, with total, abject and honest regret, and work on fixing what is wrong with YOU - you may become a better person. Perhaps even one she might consider having a relationship with again.

Her choice, after you've done all you can, and no promises.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

derek1 said:


> I'm sure that more than one man could fall for this woman the way that I did.


 Maybe they would, right up until they saw the penis come out of the pants. Then they would know, like you did, that she was in fact a he. Again, stop calling your lover a woman. Your only chance to even get your wife to start listening to you is to start being honest. First with yourself, and then with her. As long as you deny the basic fact that your lover was a man, any conversation with your wife will go nowhere.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Have you seen 'The Crying Game' as a matter of interest?

Some parallels here.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

Derek, getting past your own denial is the first step you should take if you have ANY hope at an R. That denial only serves to roadblocking you from getting anywhere at all.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

derek1 said:


> Had I known it would destroy my family, I would have never done it.


You should have known better. Did you think that you made vows that had no meaning?

Do you remember the Rumplestiltzkin story? The girl makes a promise to the troll dude that she will give him her first-born in exchange for whatever he is giving her -- the spun gold. When the kid's born, he comes to collect. She balks and wriggles out if it. When you make a promise, you're expected to keep it, not find weasely ways to get out of it.

If you care so little for your wife that you don't take her feelings into consideration when doing stuff like this, then you do not deserve her commitment. She did the right thing. 

To be honest, you spend so much time leading up to why you were attracted to the transvestite and how your affair developed and so little time expressing any remorse or interest in salvaging your marriage that I think that if this is a legitimate scenario, you are either lying to yourself or us about things, that you really don't know what you want, that you are mainly in damage control mode and feeling bad about being caught but not about the actions that you were caught engaged in, and that you really have no clue how much you have hurt someone who you committed to love and protect. 

Frankly, you're better off being single and exploring your curiosity while your ex-wife gets on with her life and maybe finds someone who is capable of giving her what she thought you were giving her but didn't. 

Instead of trying to win her back, try to figure yourself out, because you sound pretty confused about what you're interested in and whether or not you are in the life you actually want.


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

Derek, 

I can honestly say, I feel bad for you. Not for your transgressions, but for your lack of personal understanding. I am not here to criticize you, but to help you understand. I have come across many straight men who would never even step foot in a gay bar, much less have sexual intercorse, or even THINK about the possibilities of having any sexual orientation with the opposite sex, no matter how feminine they looked (my husband primarily). My point is, you need to get a better perspective of yourself. Find out if you really truly are straight. I've dated men in my youth who were confused and are either gay or bi as of today. I'm sorry you are going through this, however, you need to see you did this to yourself. The fact that you let your gay friend take you to a club while you are "happily" married says a lot. JS. I hope you are able to get past this and find happiness, and I hope your wife will find some way to cope beyond the horrible exposure she has experienced.


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> Derek1, if you are still around :
> Ignore these haters. You screwed up monumentally, but I for one, admire you for the courage to post here. It takes a lot of it.
> 
> From all the replies I read, you got only 2 helpful lines : "Get tested for Stds" and "Ask yourself, would you take yourself back? "
> ...


Thanks for this. My main problem now is convincing her to at least listen to me. It's burning me up that she won't at least talk about what happened. If she can understand my side of the story, at least I can start to do some of the things you mentioned. I am fully committed to saving this marriage at all costs. I even broke off every thing with the other woman and she fully understands what I am going through.



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I'm going to have a different take on this and open up the possibility that he is "mostly" straight.
> 
> I have a gay brother. He feels the way about men that I do about women. He is attracted to men and has no such attraction to women. Women do nothing for him but a hot guy stirs his whatever. He has a partner he is very much in love with and they act exactly the same with each other as any man and woman would in a straight relationship.
> 
> ...


I had to re-read this twice because you completely nailed it. You said everything I Was thinking but couldn't put into words. It's not like I met this woman and was nailing her the next day. It's just I was curious about her. To start things off, everything about her was screaming that she was an attractive woman. From her breasts to her perfume, everything was feminine.

If she were not a transvestite, we probably would have never slept together. When she showed me her facebook page, I thought it was a joke and I asked her to be sure. I swear that if I posted her picture on here, men would be lining up for her number. She was just that hot.

We started off as friends and I asked her about everything from her anatomy to how she feels. She was very open about everything and didn't hide it. Before I knew it, we were closer and that's when the sex started. Maybe my mind was weak at the time but that is still no excuse to hurt my family. I wish I could have been stronger but honestly, I thought I would not be caught (who does?). I won't play stupid because I knew that she was born a man but in her presence, it totally felt like I was with a woman.


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

SouthernGrown said:


> Derek,
> 
> I can honestly say, I feel bad for you. Not for your transgressions, but for your lack of personal understanding. I am not here to criticize you, but to help you understand. I have come across many straight men who would never even step foot in a gay bar, much less have sexual intercorse, or even THINK about the possibilities of having any sexual orientation with the opposite sex, no matter how feminine they looked (my husband primarily). My point is, you need to get a better perspective of yourself. Find out if you really truly are straight. I've dated men in my youth who were confused and are either gay or bi as of today. I'm sorry you are going through this, however, you need to see you did this to yourself. The fact that you let your gay friend take you to a club while you are "happily" married says a lot. JS. I hope you are able to get past this and find happiness, and I hope your wife will find some way to cope beyond the horrible exposure she has experienced.


From all the responses I have been getting, I can see that my actions causes more damage to her than I previously thought. I don't think being gay or straight is so black and white. I also know guys who are as you describe but like I mentioned before, I have other gay friends. If I saw things so black and white, I would have missed out on a lot of friends and opportunities. We only go to the gay bars to party and have fun. We like them because people are less uptight than when we go to the straight bars. I don't think that should make me less of a man just by the type of bars I go to.


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

totamm said:


> Your point?


The point I was making was that I was so deep into the relationship that I was completely blinded to what was about to happen.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

derek1 said:


> The point I was making was that I was so deep into the relationship that I was completely blinded to what was about to happen.


You trying to convince us, yourself, or are you practicing for what you're going to say to your wife if she gives you the chance?

Regardless, it's not the right approach. 

No one wants to hear a bunch of excuses.


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: I need help winning back my wife's heart.*



derek1 said:


> From all the responses I have been getting, I can see that my actions causes more damage to her than I previously thought. I don't think being gay or straight is so black and white. I also know guys who are as you describe but like I mentioned before, I have other gay friends. If I saw things so black and white, I would have missed out on a lot of friends and opportunities. We only go to the gay bars to party and have fun. We like them because people are less uptight than when we go to the straight bars. I don't think that should make me less of a man just by the type of bars I go to.


I wasn't pointing to any factor of manhood, just my personal experience with men in experimenting. Maybe you should start (if you R) inviting your wife to tag along so the temptation is lessened.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

derek1 said:


> These are not words of remorse:
> It just burns me so much to think about the way she caught me.
> 
> I don't see how I can convince her to work on our marriage if she doesn't even believe I'm straight. The fact is you can't. You cheated on her. In your marriage bed. After sending her away. On New Years Eve. Can you stop thinking about yourself for a minute? This is about her now. It's her decision whether or not to talk to you. You have betrayed her in such a devastating manner... Please try to have just a shred of empathy for your poor wife and think about what she needs and not what you want.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

derek1 said:


> See the thing is that I'm not gay or bisexual.


Hetero men do not " experiment!" You are in denial! I'd almost believe you IF it wasn't an ongoing relationship. 



ALMOST!

Truth be told, if your wife is a black and white thinker, many people still are, there is nothing you can do.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Looking at your timeline it appears you were involved in your affair for almost a year. You went to the club early 2012, meet your AP, became "friends", exchanged several bj's, and sex on one of the "big event" special nights of the year. 

I am sure your wife thinks your entire relationship was a lie. Reading your posts it just seems to be all about you and what you want. You just don't seem to grasp the enormity of what you did. 

It doesn't matter that you were curious, enthralled, whatever....you vowed to your wife to foresake all others. Yet you seem to have felt entitled to carry on an affair...while your wife was busy with a young baby.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Aunt Ava brings up a good point - for someone who has a young son, it sounds like there's been a lot of clubbing and partying going on. Have you been an involved father, or have you been avoiding responsibilities at home? Your wife may have other reasons to see you as very selfish, even before the trauma of finding you in bed with another man - this could just be the last straw.

You need to think about things from HER point of view. Think about what kind of husband you were before you were caught as well as what it must have been like for her to walk in on you. Put yourself in her shoes. Contemplate remorse and what it truly means in your situation. 

Don't focus so much on getting her back - that shouldn't be your goal. You should focus on understanding her pain, empathizing with HER, feeling true remorse about it, and letting her know in whatever way she'll let you that you are sorry. If you truly love her and empathize with her, you'll want HER to decide what's best for her - not what's best for you. 

But you should get busy getting tested for STD's and get yourself into counseling too. You have a lot of work to do on yourself. And let her know you're doing those things; I'm sure she'll be interested in the results of the STD tests.


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## Everafter2013 (Feb 11, 2013)

derek1 said:


> Anyway, while there, I met a very attractive woman.....or so I thought. Once we started talking, she asked for my phone and pulled up her facebook profile. She told me to read her profile and that if I was still interested, come find her.
> 
> I read the profile and to make a long story short, she is a transvestite. I would have never known just by looking at her since she was very attractive. It intrigued me so found her and we started chatting again. We had fun, drank, and just partied. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch. Our relationship grew from being text buddies to oral sex and then to a full blown sexual relationship. I would have never expected myself to be in this position but *I was honestly caught off guard.*
> 
> ...


_If you love her so much, just let her go. Get tested for STD. At least that will ease her mind up a little bit. I don't think there's anything left to say here. You cheated on her. You cheated on her in your marital bed. She caught you in the act. She caught you in the act with an attractive man's penis inside of you. That's too much to take. Get IC. Figure out what it is that you really want. Figure out why you were even the slightest curious about this attractive 'woman'. And just let your wife go. She has a lot to deal with. She doesn't need to hear the lengthy explanation about how you imagined the other person was an attractive woman the whole time you had sex with her. Your wife can't care less. I can't blame her for not giving a sh*t about your confusion. She is trying to heal from your betrayal, that together with your son are her priority right now. _


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

derek1 said:


> Thanks for this. My main problem now is convincing her to at least listen to me. It's burning me up that she won't at least talk about what happened. If she can understand my side of the story, at least I can start to do some of the things you mentioned. I am fully committed to saving this marriage at all costs.


Wow, just wow. The sexual identiy, gender stuff is just all circus sideshow. It really doesn't matter, except that it is a distraction from what is the issue.

Your wife will not understand. No matter how much you talk, no matter what you say. The fact that she is not talking to you speaks volumes as to how much you have blown it. She doesn't even want to try to understand. Often betrayeds keep asking questions, the same questions over and over, trying to understand how their wayward could betray them.



> I even broke off every thing with the other woman and she fully understands what I am going through.


Golly gee, you broke it off? Man, that's no great accomplishment, that was the very least you could do. It's so great of her to be so understanding, I mean really, she must have an utterly sterling character, you know, aside from the sleeping with a married man stuff. Reading this stuff, it is almost like you aren't human, you have zero concept of what you've done. You have no business being in any sort of relationship with almost anyone, if you are really that clueless as to how your actions affect your so called loved ones.

Are you really too selfish to just let her go?


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

How is it selfish for me trying to save my marriage? People make mistakes and that's exactly what I did. Yes it went too far and yes it went on for too long. The truth is that me and my wife built something that can not be tore down overnight. This will affect both of us and on top of that, I would not want my son to grow up without his father. Furthermore, I could never imagine another man raising my son. So this isn't just about me. This is what's best for the both of them as well as myself.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

derek1 said:


> How is it selfish for me trying to save my marriage? People make mistakes and that's exactly what I did. Yes it went too far and yes it went on for too long. The truth is that me and my wife built something that can not be tore down overnight. This will affect both of us and on top of that, I would not want my son to grow up without his father. Furthermore, I could never imagine another man raising my son. So this isn't just about me. This is what's best for the both of them as well as myself.


You didn't tear it down overnight. You started tearing it down from the time you started going clubbing without your wife, as if you were single. You continued by allowing the door to infidelity to be opened, by going inside. You don't just all of a sudden find yourself in bed with someone with no clothes on, in the middle of sex. You knew you were doing things that were wrong all the way along, and you hid them from your wife. Had you bothered to think of the consequences, you could have easily predicted them, but that didn't feel good, did it? You did not make a mistake. You made a lot of them. You CHOSE to betray your family, over and over.

You made the choices that have lead your wife to choose not to have anything further to do with your, except as relating to your child. It is selfish of you not to respect her choice. It is her life, and she is trying to salvage it after your choices destroyed what she thought her world was. You utterly forfeited any input as to what is best for her. Please show her respect and accept that.

Whether your boy grows up without his father or not, is up to you. You don't need to be together to be the best father you can be (I hope for your son's sake you pick your game way, wayyyyyyy up). Umm, what exactly were you imaging in regards to your son's parenting situation as you pursued an extramarital affair? It sounds as if your wife has no intention of trying to cut you out of his life, so be grateful for that, and make the most of it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I think you are kind of lucky, in a weird sort of way, that you have so little sense of the damage. Are you in councelling?


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

derek1 said:


> Thanks for this. My main problem now is convincing her to at least listen to me.


I disagree. Your main problem seems to be that _you aren't sorry you did this._
If you are sorry, you're not coming across that way, even to us. How she views you, I can't say. Probably far worse.



derek1 said:


> I had to re-read this twice because you completely nailed it. You said everything I Was thinking but couldn't put into words. It's not like I met this woman and was nailing her the next day. It's just I was curious about her. To start things off, everything about her was screaming that she was an attractive woman. From her breasts to her perfume, everything was feminine.


Ok, get over the whole shemale thing - it's not really hugely relevant to the subject in hand (it's a complicating factor, sure, and may have you raise questions about your own sexuality, and might raise the likelyhood of STDs - not the core issue.)

The point here is:

YOU CHEATED ON HER.


With whom/what is not the point.

You don't seem to care that it hurt her, that you betrayed her (and your child.)

Until you can get to the point that you're incredibly regretful - not that you got caught, but that you did it _at all_ - I predict no hope for you, and good luck to your presumably STBXW.


No, there's nothing wrong with wanting to salvage what tattered shreds of your marriage might be left - if you desperately want it with all your heart, for non-selfish reasons.

If by some transcendant act of grace, she gives you a chance, you should spend the rest of your life making hers as perfect as possible, with total transparency - going out to bars without her ends, you have no friends that she doesn't want you to have, she knows where you are whenever she wants to know - you have no privacy, and you do this willingly and happily, for her.

A hard road, I understand, but a better one than you deserve, and still less than she deserves. If she gives you the chance - which I doubt - and for which I couldn't blame her.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Please consider this a warning.


If you cannot offer constructive advice, then DON'T post.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

derek1 said:


> How is it selfish for me trying to save my marriage? People make mistakes and that's exactly what I did. Yes it went too far and yes it went on for too long. The truth is that me and my wife built something that can not be tore down overnight. This will affect both of us and on top of that, I would not want my son to grow up without his father. Furthermore, I could never imagine another man raising my son. So this isn't just about me. This is what's best for the both of them as well as myself.



Its not selfish for you to try and save your marriage - its selfish of you to have put it in a place where it now needs to be saved

_"The truth is that me and my wife built something that can not be tore down overnight"._

Er no, the truth is *you have torn it down and overnight too.* I really don't think you get this at all 

That right there IS the gravity of it - years and years of 'togetherness' - taking on the world 'together' built up what she thought were wonderful life changing moments a union of love resulting in a wonderful child who also needs your place in his world 

and what ....? *W H A M*

Effectively overnight torn to shreds by you 

Until you really get to grips with the gravity of it all you will only lack any sencerity or real remorse in any way shape or form

I suggest you read up on any random number of stories on here. Take a few hours to digest some of the details and you may just start to understand just half of what you have demolished


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

derek1 said:


> How is it selfish for me trying to save my marriage? People make mistakes and that's exactly what I did. Yes it went too far and yes it went on for too long. The truth is that me and my wife built something that can not be tore down overnight. This will affect both of us and on top of that, I would not want my son to grow up without his father. Furthermore, I could never imagine another man raising my son. So this isn't just about me. This is what's best for the both of them as well as myself.


Derek, my wife cheated on me, so I have some idea what your wife is going through. Not totally, because I didn't actually catch my wife in the act, it wasn't done in our marital bed, she didn't actively encourage me to go out so her lover could come over, and her cheating was straight heterosexual...no reason to question her basic sexual identity. My wife had a six month affair, you appear to have had about 12. Ie what you did to your wife seems by every objective measure I can see to be worse than what my wife did to me.

And what my wife did was the most painful thing in my life, worse than my parent dying.

I chose to stay together for my kids and it was sooooo hard for so long. You need to accept that she hates you. Maybe she will forever, certainly for a very long time. She will NEVER totally trust you again, because you have demonstrated that you don't deserve it.

You need to accept that she may never get over this.

As to how you are being selfish...

First by having the affair, obviously.

Secondly, all that you have written seems to be about how to get what you want (her back). You have not asked how you can help her heal. But I will answer that anyway. You let her decide what she wants, including divorce, and make it as painless as possible for her, since you have already caused her so much pain.

Third, I have seen you write that you are sorry you got caught, it sorry you had the affair. 

Fourth, you have not been truthful. A twelve month affair is not a one off. You are minimising. What do you expect to say if she will talk to you? Do you think she will believe ANYTHING that comes out of your mouth right now? Why would you inflict what she will regard as a collection of painful lies on her?

As one who reconciled...I hate to tell you this, but if she doesn't want to you are screwed. Nothing you can do.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

derek1 said:


> How is it selfish for me trying to save my marriage? People make mistakes and that's exactly what I did. Yes it went too far and yes it went on for too long. The truth is that me and my wife built something that can not be tore down overnight. This will affect both of us and on top of that, I would not want my son to grow up without his father. Furthermore, I could never imagine another man raising my son. So this isn't just about me. This is what's best for the both of them as well as myself.


She has decided how it affects her.

Your concerns are....

You don't want to lose her
You don't want another man to raise your son.

What have I missed? And what in that list is about anyone except you?

Not trying to beat you up. Trying to help you grasp what you appear to be saying.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

If you are genueinely remorseful by what you have done and you truely wish to commit to your marriage then you need to do whatever your wife asks of you. No matter how long it takes or how rediculous it seems.

But its going to take a looooong time. I was in shock the first three months, then came the angry months after that. Eight months since D day and I still question if it was right to give my partner another chance. We are still suffering from the consequences of his cheating. The damage has been immense. I still have my days when I would like to throw him out...

I suggest to go councelling with your W when she is ready ( if she ever will be )...and you need to do some soul searching yourself to make sure that you can control yourself in the future. If you are in doubt then you need to D.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

derek1 said:


> How is it selfish for me trying to save my marriage? People make mistakes and that's exactly what I did. Yes it went too far and yes it went on for too long. The truth is that me and my wife built something that can not be tore down overnight. This will affect both of us and on top of that, I would not want my son to grow up without his father. Furthermore, I could never imagine another man raising my son. So this isn't just about me. This is what's best for the both of them as well as myself.


You got caught, you have yet to post anything regarding how she might feel, you are gaslighting, sending her select quotes to her from the board that benefit YOUR position and you are minimizing your actions.

Seriously, in what frame of mind must you be in to think that looking at a facebook profile, talking, dating, oral sex and eventually intercourse means a one time thing. Not saying that it can't be true, we have many people here whose wives had one night stands, but that doesn't mean they BELIEVED it was only a one time thing when they were betrayed.

It appears selfish from what you have written.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

You're missing an important distinction. If you truly LOVE your wife, you will not TRY to save your marriage. You WANT to save your marriage, but someone who is capable of true LOVE wants what's BEST for the person that they love. So far, you have been demonstrating a very self-centered focus in your posts, which is why so many people are hammering you. You just don't seem to get it.

Any WS who wants to hold on to any shred of hope of reconciliation has to LET GO of the idea that they have any control in the situation. You must mentally give that over to the BS. You were in control when you were keeping secrets and having your excitement and exploration of forbidden fruit. She was left in the dark; you shut her out. Now it's YOU who is shut out. SHE is now in control. She may or may not choose to let you back in, and that's ENTIRELY up to her. After the trauma that you've put her through, can you blame her? TRY for one moment to think of how it must have felt to be her in that moment of ultimate betrayal and horror to walk in on that!! If you were a wife and a mother, how would you feel? Can you imagine? TRY.

And if you truly love her, you will show your love for her by doing everything you can to show your remorse, make her life easier, cooperate in every way you can. DO NOT drag out the divorce. If she should decide to take you back later because you've been so wonderful through this, that's great. But there are consequences to selfish behavior, and if you think you can make a case that you are a remorseful man and a better man now than you were, start working on yourself NOW. It's time to get those STD tests and get that first counseling appointment.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

OP, whatever happens with your marriage or your affair partner, I think that you owe it to yourself and your son to make sense of what you've done. By that, I mean the cheating. You don't seem to see that it was a big transgression. You also seem to be under the impression that it can be easily undone if you find the right strategy. I think that perhaps you haven't given enough thought to your commitments. If your boundaries have been so weak that you didn't really understand them, then it might be time to start learning about boundaries. 

Try reading about boundaries. There are a LOT of good books out there. These will probably help you in figuring out any ambiguity you might have about what you want, too. In all honesty, your words do not convey the attitude that you feel remorseful and want a committed monogamous marriage, but they do convey a sense of damage control. My post to you wasn't meant to be snarky or aggressive or offensive, simply to point out that commitment does mean something to most people and most people don't enter into it lightly -- or, if they do, they find unpleasant consequences awaiting them. 

I think you really should leave your ex wife alone if she doesn't want to be with you and try to sort out your own feelings and issues. That way, if she happens to want to give you another chance down the line, you won't do things like this again. You're never going to be able to safeguard from infidelity if you don't, at least, try to face your issues. 

Everyone screws up at one time or another, but what you do afterwards matters more than the screw-up, in my opinion.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You want her back, because if she comes back, maybe this proves you are not gay or bi. Not because of love, if so, you would let her go.


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## derek1 (Mar 3, 2013)

Well she got pretty upset today on the phone because she thinks I am delaying the divorce (which I am). On the bright side, I convinced her to at least give me 30 days to go through counseling and see if we can salvage this marriage. I also suggested she be tested for STDs.

We won't be living with each other but we will meet at the counselors office twice a week. I'm really nervous and scared because I feel like my entire life is riding on this. I wish I could erase everything because I am truly sorry. I have been making a timeline of everything and a couple of things would break my wife's heart if she knew. for example, the first time I kissed the other woman or the first time we had sex. When we go to counseling, should I mention every last detail? I can't imagine it making my wife feel any better but I'm almost positive that they will want to know how things ended up the way they did. Is it better to just say that I don't remember instead of just driving the dagger deeper?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It wasn't another woman you cheated with, it might be PC for you to call him a her, but you should start being honest with your wife. He was a he, and she very much noticed that fact,


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

derek1 said:


> Well she got pretty upset today on the phone because she thinks I am delaying the divorce (which I am). On the bright side, I convinced her to at least give me 30 days to go through counseling and see if we can salvage this marriage. I also suggested she be tested for STDs.
> 
> We won't be living with each other but we will meet at the counselors office twice a week. I'm really nervous and scared because I feel like my entire life is riding on this. I wish I could erase everything because I am truly sorry. I have been making a timeline of everything and a couple of things would break my wife's heart if she knew. for example, the first time I kissed the other woman or the first time we had sex. When we go to counseling, should I mention every last detail? I can't imagine it making my wife feel any better but I'm almost positive that they will want to know how things ended up the way they did. Is it better to just say that I don't remember instead of just driving the dagger deeper?


You still not getting it?

No, you don't EVER lie to her (again) - you have the absolute truth available, and give her as much as SHE wants to know, with no hiding, no 'softening' and no hesitation.

You're going to have to get your head around the idea that you are not in control here, you can't be, and you mustn't be.

If she decides to give you any shot at Reconcilliation, it is a gift that you do not, and cannot deserve, and cannot earn the right to.

It is her choice - and if she gives you that chance, it is upon you to do anything and everything SHE wants to make it work.

Stop trying to spin, and run damage limitation - if she thinks she might ever trust you again, those actions will surely kill it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

derek1 said:


> Well she got pretty upset today on the phone because she thinks I am delaying the divorce (which I am). On the bright side, I convinced her to at least give me 30 days to go through counseling and see if we can salvage this marriage. I also suggested she be tested for STDs.
> 
> We won't be living with each other but we will meet at the counselors office twice a week. I'm really nervous and scared because I feel like my entire life is riding on this. I wish I could erase everything because I am truly sorry. I have been making a timeline of everything and a couple of things would break my wife's heart if she knew. for example, the first time I kissed the other woman or the first time we had sex. When we go to counseling, should I mention every last detail? I can't imagine it making my wife feel any better but I'm almost positive that they will want to know how things ended up the way they did. Is it better to just say that I don't remember instead of just driving the dagger deeper?


Where was the concern for how those actions would affect your wife at the time they were happening? It is not your prerogative to decide what she can and cannot handle anymore. She decides that, you just answer, honestly and without trying to spin, justify or minimize anything.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

First, stop lying to yourself and change the pronoun: your affair was with a MAN. Stop referring to this person as "she." A transvestite prefers to be called "she" because that adds to the illusion and fantasy, but you have to address the BIOLOGY of this situation, and in the absence of a sex change operation, you were having sex with a man. And your wife clearly SAW you having sex with a man. DO NOT TRY TO EVADE THAT TRUTH. If you slip and use "she" or "her" in counseling when talking about the affair partner, you will only make your wife angry because she will see it as proof of your being slippery with the facts.

As the others have said, you must stop ALL lying NOW. To yourself, to your wife. 

And as I mentioned in a previous post, I believe you're making a mistake if you're delaying the divorce in any way. That is NOT an act of love, that's an act of selfishness on your part. You abandoned the "we" aspect of your marriage when you cheated. There is no "we" for you to "try" to save now. You WANT to save it, but you can't have what you want now. You were in control then, doing what you wanted to do for YOU. Now the days of "we" are over, and she must do what's right for HER, and if you TRULY love her as you SAY you do, you must help her to heal, and standing in her way while she does this divorce is not helping her. She needs to do this for her own sanity. 

There's a small chance of reconciliation post-divorce, but you can't count on it. You can only offer LOVE and TOTAL HONESTY. Answer every question that is asked, and answer it with total honesty, WITHOUT a moment of hesitation. That's what she needs to heal, and that is your only hope.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

derek1 said:


> See the thing is that I'm not gay or bisexual. As strange as it sounds, this was just an exploration/curiousity thing for me. In fact, most of the time, I imagined I was with a woman. I don't have to do any soul searching because I already know who I should be. I was just taken off course and I need my wife to see that.


Listen dude women have VAGINAS or Holes not ****S OR ****S. Get a life man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Derek,

You started going to gay clubs to dance and hang.

You met a transvestite and began a long term emotional affair with him.

It went physical to you and him have gay sex.

You conspired to get your wide gone so you could hook up in your marriage bed with him to have sex.

Seriously, what tickets do you need punched before you admit even to yourself that you are not straight?

Stop dragging out the divorce. You've deeply hurt your wife in a way that will leave its mark forever on her. And you've compounded your selfish cruel actions with selfishly delaying the divorce. Stop being selfish.

Even if she wasn't headed to D, you yourself are not mentally ready to be in a relationship. You do not know who you are because you are so deeply denying the truth. 

Don't give us the lie that you fell for the OM before you knew he was a he. If you pick up a chick in a gay bar, and she isn't a hag, you can be sure it's a guy.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

derek1 said:


> I understand that but the thing is that I'm sorry and this was a one time thing. I just can't get her to understand this. I love her with all my heart and it was a big mistake.


Let me just expand upon this. You say it was a one time thing, however you mention being in a full-blown physical affair with this person. It "started with oral" and progressed from there. So no, it was NOT a one time thing.

You did this to yourself and your wife is wise to be divorcing you. You aren't even admitting the truth to yourself, let alone to her.

Let me give you a little bit of perspective. Let's say you told your wife it was a one time thing. Given that you were in your bed and had a transsexual having sex with you, any reasonable person would assume that you're lying because not only did you bring this person into your HOUSE -- which implies familiarity -- but you allowed them to have penetrative sex with you which would also imply that you're comfortable enough with them to allow them to do so. 

I'm certain that your wife is not an idiot and that she is not only upset that you allowed this person into HER bed in HER home -- which is supposed to be a sanctuary -- but that her husband allowed his desires and sexual curiosity to betray her in such a way.

Being sexually curious is a natural thing. So is wanting to explore. There were SO many avenues you could have taken if that was what it was about. But instead of communicating with your wife you ruined your marriage. 

Your wife is doing the right thing. You need to get your head on straight.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

derek1 said:


> Well she got pretty upset today on the phone because she thinks I am delaying the divorce (which I am). On the bright side, I convinced her to at least give me 30 days to go through counseling and see if we can salvage this marriage. I also suggested she be tested for STDs.
> 
> We won't be living with each other but we will meet at the counselors office twice a week. I'm really nervous and scared because I feel like my entire life is riding on this. I wish I could erase everything because I am truly sorry. I have been making a timeline of everything and a couple of things would break my wife's heart if she knew. for example, the first time I kissed the other woman or the first time we had sex. When we go to counseling, should I mention every last detail? I can't imagine it making my wife feel any better but I'm almost positive that they will want to know how things ended up the way they did. Is it better to just say that I don't remember instead of just driving the dagger deeper?


Lying to her as part of restoring trust would rival what you have already done on a scale of stupid things to do if you want a relationship.

IF she gives you a chance she will examine every word of your story with a microscope and the fact you are lying will become obvious and incredibly destructive.

The ONLY way to approach this is to tell the whole truth and hope she can handle it. No lies, no gilding, no spin.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

this man is really strange. First he sleeps with a man and calls him a woman. Now he wants to lie to her about it. If u were my husband i would not even be speaking to u coz there is something seriously freaky about the whole thing. Please help us God.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

Looks like his AP's gentleman bits are not the only thing that went up his arse. Seems to me that OP's head is there too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

derek1 said:


> Well she got pretty upset today on the phone because she thinks I am delaying the divorce (which I am). On the bright side, I convinced her to at least give me 30 days to go through counseling and see if we can salvage this marriage. I also suggested she be tested for STDs.
> 
> We won't be living with each other but we will meet at the counselors office twice a week. I'm really nervous and scared because I feel like my entire life is riding on this. I wish I could erase everything because I am truly sorry.* I have been making a timeline of everything and a couple of things would break my wife's heart if she knew.* for example, the first time I kissed the* other woman* or the first time we had sex. When we go to counseling, should I mention every last detail? I can't imagine it making my wife feel any better but I'm almost positive that they will want to know how things ended up the way they did. I*s it better to just say that I don't remember instead of just driving the dagger deeper?*


So, you think the way to get your wife to reconcile with you is to continue lying to her? (*Not* a good idea.)

You did not have sex with another woman. You had sex with another man.

Yes, this does make a difference. Why? When you have a wife, husband or girl/boy friend who cheats on you with a member of the same sex (it happened to me with one GF) it destroys your confidence. Because you know you can't fight for their love as the lover can do stuff for your partner that you can't. 

When my then gf (first LTR) left me for a woman, I felt so cut up I never dated for years.


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