# Sex without love



## MonicaBU (Mar 2, 2017)

Hi,

My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.

Does anybody else out there do this? Is this normal?

Monica


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If you and your husband feel that you each truly hate each other, but yet have the problem solving skills to be compassionate, understanding, kind, patient and respectful towards each other's sexual needs, there is a reason that feels good for both of you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MonicaBU said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.
> 
> ...


I would suggest some form of MC, so that as you move forward into divorce and into legal single status, you figure out what is driving each of you to copulate with someone you "hate.". Otherwise, post divorce as you try to establish new long term relationships, the two of you might find you have lots of bad habits that get in the way of finding future happy marriages.

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MonicaBU said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.
> 
> ...



Monica, when it comes to sex, everything is normal. Everything is normal because there is no way to define normal except in terms of statistics. But human sexuality never should be limited to what percentage of the population also engages in this specific sex act. Personally, I don't give a crap if 55% of the population orgasm by this one specific method, this method is how I orgasm!!! Make sense?

So yes, it is normal to continue to have sex with a partner you no longer feel attached to and even look forward to separating from. Sex is sex and as long as everyone is on the same page and agrees, it's all good!

Beside, I hear hate sex is awesome? Lemme know?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Monica, I couldn't do what you're doing, personally. 

Not without feeling I was setting myself up to stop feeling altogether. 

Some people can't compartmentalize sex and intimacy as separate things. I am one of those people.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Been there, done that. I loathed my exH, but any port in a storm.

During the time I was having "I need to get laid and you're available" sex with my exH, I had a condom malfunction and got pregnant with DD#2, so be extra cautious if you're still fertile.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

MonicaBU said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.
> 
> ...


I can't imagine wanting physical intimacy with someone who I actually hate.

How do you know you hate each other? Is this a mental, emotional, or spiritual hatred?

I've had relationships that begin with sex, usually on date #3, before there's really any love, but the love develops after a time. Except on one occasion...sex on date #1, then not so much hatred as a realization that I could not respect someone who did not respect herself, and I moved on having developed no depth of connection.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like a perfectly fine arrangement. In fact, you could move into separate bedrooms, date others, have the occasional tryst with the spouse, and go on like that for many years.,


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's something, but it isn't hate. 



> Love can become a fertile ground for the emergence of hate. When the intensity and intimacy of love turns sour, hate may be generated. In these circumstances, hate serves as a channel of communication when other paths are blocked, and it functions to preserve the powerful closeness of the relationship, in which both connection and separation are impossible. Consider the following testimony of a man convicted of killing his wife (cited in the book, In the Name of Love): "You don't always kill a woman or feel jealousy about a woman or shout at a woman because you hate her. No. Because you love her, that's love." No doubt, love can be extremely dangerous, and people have committed the most horrific crimes in the name of love (and religion).
> 
> The claim that love and hate exist simultaneously is a more difficult case to explain; here we need to understand how two such divergent attitudes can be directed at the same person at the same time. A woman may say that she dearly loves her partner in general but hates him because he of his dishonesty. Accordingly, people do say something like: "I love and hate you at the same time." In this kind of attitude the profound positive and negative evaluations are directed at different aspects of the person. In a similar vein, an unmarried person in an extra-marital relationship might love the married person deeply, while also hating the beloved for preferring to maintain the bond with the spouse. Likewise, we may hate someone because we love him and are unable to free ourselves of our love for him, or because this love is not reciprocated.
> 
> ...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think this really happens more than people realize. I never did this with my x wife because she was gross to me but I did this with an x gf. If this is what you need and both get something out of it then no problems I see. You are both consenting adults have at it.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

DustyDog said:


> I can't imagine wanting physical intimacy with someone who I actually hate.
> 
> How do you know you hate each other? Is this a mental, emotional, or spiritual hatred?
> 
> I've had relationships that begin with sex, usually on date #3, before there's really any love, but the love develops after a time. Except on one occasion...sex on date #1, then not so much hatred as *a realization that I could not respect someone who did not respect herself*, and I moved on having developed no depth of connection.


So did you lose respect for yourself afterwards as well? That seems like quite a double standard you're working with.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

normal....not relevant.....


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

After I broke up with my girlfriend/fiancee of 5 years, we continued to have sex. Same with a few others. It is fairly common for exes to have sex because after a long marriage it is not easy to get naked after having a few kids and/or gaining a few pounds. My wife and I learned early on that sex does not have to mean making love. We often had sex with others just to enjoy the sex. I had sex with about 19 women and only had relationships with 3. Where sex is concerned, what does love have to do with it. :wink2:


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> . Where sex is concerned, what does love have to do with it.


so will it cause great outrage if i believe it has everything to do with it?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Gseries said:


> so will it cause great outrage if i believe it has everything to do with it?


For me, the sex had no lasting value without love. I needed it more often in an attempt to satisfy something inexplicable. My guess is that the chemicals produced weren't the same as when it's done in mutual love. 

Could needing it more often be a sign of a lack of love? I suppose it depends on the individual.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

WonkyNinja said:


> > Originally Posted by DustyDog
> > I can't imagine wanting physical intimacy with someone who I actually hate.
> >
> > How do you know you hate each other? Is this a mental, emotional, or spiritual hatred?
> ...


Took me a while to realize what you were talking about.

No, I did not lose respect for myself. Nor was her lack of self-respect based on anything having to do with her sexual behavior. Rather, as I got to know her, I realized she let everybody walk all over her...her alcoholic parents expected, and got, a bail-out from her any time they were in the drunk tank, even to the extent that she got fired from jobs due to asbsence and had a very expensive legal battle to not have her children taken by CPS.

Her lack of self-respect led her to be voluntarily dishonest about the kids - that is, I did not ask who the father was, didn't seem to be my business, but she stated that it was husband #1 out of 2...and then later she admitted she didn't know who the father was. As the week went on, everything she'd told me in our first date (which went on for 8 hours before she invited me to her place) was replaced by something else...and often twice.

I do not lose respect for a man or woman simply because they have sex on the first date. As long as they do it openly, honestly, and without expecting anything that hasn't been said, other than simple honesty. So, no double standard.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

DustyDog said:


> Took me a while to realize what you were talking about.
> 
> No, I did not lose respect for myself. Nor was her lack of self-respect based on anything having to do with her sexual behavior. Rather, as I got to know her, I realized she let everybody walk all over her...her alcoholic parents expected, and got, a bail-out from her any time they were in the drunk tank, even to the extent that she got fired from jobs due to asbsence and had a very expensive legal battle to not have her children taken by CPS.
> 
> ...


In that case I apologize for my comment, your situation was not as I read it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Satya said:


> Monica, I couldn't do what you're doing, personally.
> 
> Not without feeling I was setting myself up to stop feeling altogether.
> 
> Some people can't compartmentalize sex and intimacy as separate things. I am one of those people.


Same here...don't think I could do this, without wanting more or to make up somehow.. if me & my husband are at odds.. he can't get erect unless it's settled...he's the same way...that's why our fights get resolved so fast.. the make up sex is great... 

Though when I read the opening thread.. couldn't help but think of a couple Rock songs that mention *Hate *in them... and they are clearly about the act.. still erotic passion there -for a needed release. I'd find it terribly conflicting emotionally.... If you both don't have a problem with it though .. that's all that matters...


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Satya said:


> Monica, I couldn't do what you're doing, personally.
> 
> Not without feeling I was setting myself up to stop feeling altogether.
> 
> Some people can't compartmentalize sex and intimacy as separate things. I am one of those people.


Some CAN compartmentalize which is how we get spouses with affairs who don't see the damage they have done to their marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Same here...don't think I could do this, without wanting more or to make up somehow.. if me & my husband are at odds.. he can't get erect unless it's settled...he's the same way...that's why our fights get resolved so fast.. the make up sex is great...
> 
> Though when I read the opening thread.. couldn't help but think of a couple Rock songs that mention *Hate *in them... and they are clearly about the act.. still erotic passion there -for a needed release. I'd find it terribly conflicting emotionally.... If you both don't have a problem with it though .. that's all that matters...


It's not emotionally conflicting IF both spouses have already emotionally detached (checked out), yet are still physically attracted to each other. It's like the emotions are dead (or never existed in the first place), but the hormones are alive and kicking.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gseries said:


> so will it cause great outrage if i believe it has everything to do with it?


I agree. Sex without love is empty and meaningless. I could never have sex with a man I hated.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

WonkyNinja said:


> In that case I apologize for my comment, your situation was not as I read it.


You didn't do anything wrong. Our society is thick with memes such as losing respect for someone who will have sex on the first date...as with many memes, that one is true for maybe 1 in 20 men and women. But the message is repeated often enough that folks believe it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MJJEAN said:


> It's not emotionally conflicting IF both spouses have already emotionally detached (checked out), yet are still physically attracted to each other. It's like the emotions are dead (or never existed in the first place), but the hormones are alive and kicking.


I'm going to to against the modern grain here.. I think this isn't such a wonderful thing.. people who can do this... lets' face it.. sure makes extra marital affairs easier too... I frown on it.. and would rather be with someone who can't do this, where it is awfully conflicting emotionally. ..


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm going to to against the modern grain here.. I think this isn't such a wonderful thing.. people who can do this... lets' face it.. sure makes extra marital affairs easier too... I frown on it.. and would rather be with someone who can't do this, where it is awfully conflicting emotionally. ..


Love being a "requirement" for sex is actually the more modern concept.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Love being a "requirement" for sex is actually the more modern concept.


I disagree, far far more people have casual sex now than say 50-60 years ago. 

For me sex is about expressing love in a committed relationship. Without love I wouldn't want sex, ever.Its been cheapened and emptied of all its true meaning.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I think it very much depends on the situation. My first ex and I had sex during and even after the divorce. During it was some of the best, most erotic, and satisfying sex I've ever had. We were both "checked out" as someone else stated, so it was straight out raw use each other for what we wanted. No "be concerned about the other" and satisfying them - just straight out selfish satisfaction. It was great. I think maybe some of it was familiarity with each other - don't know. I don't think either of us ever regretted any of it. My second ex I never even considered touching again once divorce was going to happen - her personality and actions just repulsed me to gag even thinking about it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Diana7 said:


> I disagree, far far more people have casual sex now than say 50-60 years ago.
> 
> For me sex is about expressing love in a committed relationship. Without love I wouldn't want sex, ever.Its been cheapened and emptied of all its true meaning.


Believe it or not @Diana7 ... me and you agree on some core values.. some of us just NEED more, this would never fulfill, or be OK in any way..

I might not be able to say that I wouldn't want sex - if I was alone & Single, the craving would be like wild fire.... but I know the conflict would not be healthy for my soul, what ultimately I seek from a man..... Sex has always been deeply meaningful to me, at it's core IS "emotional bonding"... something very very special... to even speak like this today.. we'd be called old fashioned or worse..

There are articles like this even ... Hate sex: how to have it ? Metro That's the world we live in.. couldn't help but notice the 1 reply under this article.. can you imagine.. it's a free for all. 

It's a typical defense when one gets caught cheating .... "It didn't mean anything!"... I guess it should be comforting.. It probably didn't !! ...or Playboys who bed numerous women then talk very ugly/ disrespectful about them in the locker room ... sure these things have always been around.. always will.. what has changed is.. it's now acceptable when we don't care about someone, or don't even know them from Adam... all in the name of lust, scratching an itch and a good time ...

This is a first coming across a thread that went as far as "Hating" though.. plenty have done it... I guess they know more than I.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MonicaBU said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband and I hate each other. It is a long story, but we both know it is going to divorce court. However, he and I both agreed we have "needs". We both have strong sex drives, and both agree we will no longer make love but we have sex about once a week. It is completely physical, very rarely with kissing. But, it feels good and it is a release.
> 
> ...


*Not a snowball's chance in hell that that would ever happen with Ol' Arb!

Just to even think about such an occurrence happening literally makes me want to heave!*


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Personally I've found having sex with someone I don't love very easy and for the most part it has been a fine experience.

Which is a given since all of my sexual relationships have started with having sex with women I didn't love at the time, within minutes of meeting them through hours, or by the 4th date with the majority of them being on the 1st or 2nd date.

On the other hand I have only ever had sex with one woman, who I hated with contempt at the time. Even though the sex in and of itself was enjoyable. It afforded me the clarity to realise that there was no way I was going to continue to date my now ex-wife (despite her prostration and supplication). In a lacklustre attempt at reconciliation (due to her pleading) after our separation as a consequence of her infidelity.

Incidentally as someone who has had no trouble having sex with people I don't love, I have never cheated on any of my sexual partners in spite of having had some attractive and explicit offers in the past.


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