# Sex Is... Eww? [Help]



## RosABay (Aug 17, 2013)

So, here is the story:

Hubby and I met three years ago. I knew right away this was the guy I wanted, and we were married a year later. He really is good guy - honest, loyal, trustworthy, hard-working, affectionate. We had some problems leading up to our wedding, though. Long story short, he kept saying he would be able to "finish" when we actually did the deed (vaginally). We had tried many different things, and it just didn't work for him. So, I took him at his word when he said everything would be fine when it came time for the real deal. Well, that didn't work out either. Our wedding night was an absolute disaster with him saying "It just doesn't feel as good as everybody said it would". That hurt.

It took months for us to get where we were both comfortable having sex, enjoying it. Then we had little guy this past January. Everything was fine the first few months, sex was enjoyable. I had a c-section and tubal ligation, and had been worried about hormones being off. Like I said, first few months, everything was fine. This is August, though, and it had been about three months since I've wanted any kind of intimacy with my husband. We haven't had sex in six weeks, and he's getting upset... understandably.

What bothers me is that it isn't just sex - I don't want any kind of intimacy with him. When he hugs me or tries to kiss me, I feel smothered and sometimes just disgusted. I don't mind holding hands, but that is about it. He's getting more and more frustrated with the lack of affection, especially as he is a very physical person, he craves touch. Now, I've never been physical - I actually prefer not to be touched most of the time. But I've always been okay with my husband, so I'm wondering why this is coming back now?

I know there is a lot going on. He doesn't do diddly around the house, he is slacking at his job, I constantly feel overwhelmed. I hate my body (always have, but especially now), I hate the way I feel most of the time - snippy and insensitive, quick to criticize, temperamental. The more he pushes this whole intimacy thing, the angrier I become. I feel more and more lately like I just don't really love my husband, not the way I should. But I don't want to end our marriage - I just would prefer a marriage with no sex. XD That isn't going to happen, though.

I am at the point where something is wrong with me and I need to see a doctor? I mean, every time we even try, it is like my body just shuts down. We haven't had sex in six weeks, and it isn't because I have been telling him 'no'. I've told him to go ahead, but he says if I'm not going to be involved and enjoy it, he wants no part of it. Should I just fake it? He never tell the difference anyhow. 

I just don't know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

See a doctor. It sounds like you changed after your surgery and child birth. 

Lack of non-sexual touching (non-sexual intimacy) can lead to not wanting sex. Lack of spending enough time together will do this as well. Look up the hormone oxytocin. It's often referred to as the bonding hormone. Find articles about how to increase in and how a woman react when it's low. This is not something your doc will talk about. they are more focused on estrogen, etc.

See what the doc says first. Tell your husband that you are going through something strange but you are working on it.

How many hours a week to you and your husband spend together doing things that the two of you enjoy, just the two of you?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I would say to seek a therapist. It sounds as if you haven't ever really enjoyed sex with him and weren't able to realize this before you were married due to waiting.

Do you ever feel aroused not related to him? I know its difficult to feel sexy when you are a new mom in general - however it sounds like your aversion to your husband is emotional in nature. Not that things wouldn't be working fine with someone else.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Yeah, there is a lot going on. Your description of him "he doesn't do diddly around the house, he's slacking at his job..." says to me that you are losing respect for him. The more respect you lose, the more "disgusted" you will feel toward him and not want him touching you. Sounds like it's time to have a heart to heart and discuss with him if he would be willing to do counseling, provided you are too. It's definitely needed!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A woman who is overwhelmed, stressed out, sleep deprived, and hormonal isn't going to be terribly open to sex. Add in a new baby, along with the new baby body... So, what you're feeling is kind of normal, but that doesn't mean you simply ride this out. It's hurting your husband too. even though right now you're probably rolling your eyes thinking, like I give a sh!t!

What can you do to reduce your stress? Can you adjust your expectations about house cleaning?

How often do you take time away from the baby to relax? Not to work or shop or cook or clean, but to relax.

When was the last time you and your husband spent time with each other, with no baby? Aside from sleeping?

You mention in the beginning of your post that your husband said something pretty insensitive to you when you were first married, then you talked about the length of time it took to work things out sexually. I wonder if you mentioned this because it validates your reasons to be mad at him? Are you trying to push him away do you think?

I really wish doctors didn't SUCK at preparing new mothers for that completely overwhelming first year!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Start IC and MC ASAP. You two might also have to see a sex therapist. Your husband was good for you when met him. And he still craves you. You need to open a line of communication with him. 
Good luck.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm curious. Is there a guy you've been looking at recently that's been floating your boat?

A friend's husband or coworker or guy at the store? Someone that's been turning you on? Or a male friend you've been connecting with recently that really seems to understand you?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I know how lonely your husband must feel. I hope you figure it out fast or divorce him.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

Pity sex, for me, is way worse than no sex. I finally realized that months ago, and stopped. I can totally understand your husbands view on that.

For you, you need to figure this out. Lack of intimacy in your marriage is like the lack of a particular nutrient in your diet. The effects may not be too obvious, or seem too severe now, but it can cascade. At the end, with the remnants of a shattered family and marriage around your feet, are you going to be ok with the result?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Our wedding night was an absolute disaster with him saying "It just doesn't feel as good as everybody said it would". That hurt.


This, I'm afraid, would have been a _huge _turn off for me... Despite you eventually managing to have sex, do you think you have ever got over the resentment of those incredibly insensitive words of his?

I think it might be a good idea for you and your H to consider MC, OP.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

RosAbay, My wife and I have been together for 21 years and recently found out my wife has your same attitude...I was always the affectionate type and she just went along with it.

My wife did all she could do to avoid being intimate. So many years of me being so stupid and repressed my desires just to have the companionship of my wife. I wish my wife would have told me this many years ago. I would have hurt back then as well, but it is devastating to me now knowing that was how she felt all these years. I am just a friend and financial security to her.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

You are completely in your masculine. When you feel you are doing everything (feeling overwhelmed and stressed) and your husband is doing "diddly" then he has become a child not a man. No one wants to have sex with a child or have intimacy with a child. I see this time and time again in relationships. Think about your husband for a second. Is he another child to take care of or a man that pulls his weight and then some?

He needs to step up, take charge become masculine in the relationship. This will allow you to step back into your feminine and feel sexual.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

FemBot said:


> You are completely in your masculine. When you feel you are doing everything (feeling overwhelmed and stressed) and your husband is doing "diddly" then he has become a child not a man. No one wants to have sex with a child or have intimacy with a child. I see this time and time again in relationships. Think about your husband for a second. Is he another child to take care of or a man that pulls his weight and then some?
> 
> He needs to step up, take charge become masculine in the relationship. This will allow you to step back into your feminine and feel sexual.


Quality sound advice, but how does she go about getting him to do that?

My husband was utterly clueless and if I told him I needed him to step up and take charge, he'd go wash the damn car! So I made him chores lists just as the kids got a chore list, only he didn't get stickers for completing them...another child to direct, instruct, and supervise. UGH!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Quality sound advice, but how does she go about getting him to do that?
> 
> My husband was utterly clueless and if I told him I needed him to step up and take charge, he'd go wash the damn car! So I made him chores lists just as the kids got a chore list, only he didn't get stickers for completing them...another child to direct, instruct, and supervise. UGH!


Honey? Is that you?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thound said:


> Honey? Is that you?


:lol:

Wouldn't that be a hoot!

You're Mr. Pink and I'm Mrs. Thound!!!!


I wonder if that has ever happened?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Quality sound advice, but how does she go about getting him to do that?
> 
> My husband was utterly clueless and if I told him I needed him to step up and take charge, he'd go wash the damn car! So I made him chores lists just as the kids got a chore list, only he didn't get stickers for completing them...another child to direct, instruct, and supervise. UGH!


She really needs to step back and allow him to take charge then TRUST. It's very difficult because we women are so good at directing and multitasking and want stuff done NOW. Our brains are wired to stay focused on a task until it's completed. This in turn makes the man in our life feel pretty useless and they revert to childlike behavior. 

Have a very frank discussion about how the behavior is making you feel and how you need more balance. Ask his opinion and then tell him you are choosing to trust him in certain areas. Then let go and trust. Don't nag if it doesn't happen immediately. Just trust. Start doing things for yourself and step back. Stop doing so much and taking over. Stop telling him how to do things, let him do it his own way. Stop being the mother and he will stop being a kid! Be very conscious of how your own actions create this dynamic.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

FemBot said:


> She really needs to step back and allow him to take charge then TRUST. It's very difficult because we women are so good at directing and multitasking and want stuff done NOW. Our brains are wired to stay focused on a task until it's completed. This in turn makes the man in our life feel pretty useless and they revert to childlike behavior.
> 
> Have a very frank discussion about how the behavior is making you feel and how you need more balance. Ask his opinion and then tell him you are choosing to trust him in certain areas. Then let go and trust. Don't nag if it doesn't happen immediately. Just trust. Start doing things for yourself and step back. Stop doing so much and taking over. Stop telling him how to do things, let him do it his own way. Stop being the mother and he will stop being a kid! Be very conscious of how your own actions create this dynamic.


 You are right. Speake your needs... Trust your husband... Let go.... Ouch that is so hard to do.... Hopefully the OP can learn to do that before too much resentment builds.


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## Bluto_B (Aug 19, 2013)

Trickster said:


> My wife did all she could do to avoid being intimate. So many years of me being so stupid and repressed my desires just to have the companionship of my wife. I wish my wife would have told me this many years ago. I would have hurt back then as well, but it is devastating to me now knowing that was how she felt all these years. I am just a friend and financial security to her.


I've been reading through many of the threads on this site, debating whether or not to post, and your comment hit me like a hammer. This is EXACTLY how my wife has been behaving over the last few years, and it is devastating. 

I try to help around the house, I go out of my way to run errands, pick up the kids, do whatever I can to make things easier on her, and all i get is the constant cold shoulder. 

I guess it's comforting (somewhat) to know that i'm not the only one in this kind of situation...


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

RosABay said:


> So, here is the story:
> 
> Hubby and I met three years ago. I knew right away this was the guy I wanted, and we were married a year later. He really is good guy - honest, loyal, trustworthy, hard-working, affectionate. We had some problems leading up to our wedding, though. Long story short, he kept saying he would be able to "finish" when we actually did the deed (vaginally). We had tried many different things, and it just didn't work for him. So, I took him at his word when he said everything would be fine when it came time for the real deal. Well, that didn't work out either. Our wedding night was an absolute disaster with him saying "It just doesn't feel as good as everybody said it would". That hurt.
> 
> ...


It's jumbled up but chronologically you never liked being touched to begin with. You did not say anything about your husband being attractive to you. Honest, hardworking, etc. - but no heart-stopping physical attraction. 

The hardworking part is no longer true as far as you are concerned, causing resentment. You resent him for the past instances of not being able to please him, and have some insecurities about your body that are amplified because of it.

His resentments about lack of intimacy and attempts to change it cause even greater resentment on your part.

Sex was OK after the child. It is more recently all these resentments are bubbling up. You have to make these resentments clear to him as opposed to snapping at him over other things.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> :lol:
> 
> Wouldn't that be a hoot!
> 
> ...


This isn't funny by any means but you guys are really making me laugh!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ros,
Well said on all fronts. Open, honest and balanced. 

Some general observations: 
- How well does H read your body language? Can he tell at a glance if you are happy, relaxed, tense or angry? 
- if he reads you well does he respond accordingly? 
- when you are open to affection is he able to touch you in a non sexual way that feels good? 
- or has he not yet learned the art of affection?
-has he learned how to make sex fun for you or does he start touching sensitive spots before you are warmed up?

Smothering is always fatal to desire. I have a post on that somewhere. If you'd like I will send you a link to a post I wrote on this topic. 


QUOTE=RosABay;3710849]So, here is the story:

Hubby and I met three years ago. I knew right away this was the guy I wanted, and we were married a year later. He really is good guy - honest, loyal, trustworthy, hard-working, affectionate. We had some problems leading up to our wedding, though. Long story short, he kept saying he would be able to "finish" when we actually did the deed (vaginally). We had tried many different things, and it just didn't work for him. So, I took him at his word when he said everything would be fine when it came time for the real deal. Well, that didn't work out either. Our wedding night was an absolute disaster with him saying "It just doesn't feel as good as everybody said it would". That hurt.

It took months for us to get where we were both comfortable having sex, enjoying it. Then we had little guy this past January. Everything was fine the first few months, sex was enjoyable. I had a c-section and tubal ligation, and had been worried about hormones being off. Like I said, first few months, everything was fine. This is August, though, and it had been about three months since I've wanted any kind of intimacy with my husband. We haven't had sex in six weeks, and he's getting upset... understandably.

What bothers me is that it isn't just sex - I don't want any kind of intimacy with him. When he hugs me or tries to kiss me, I feel smothered and sometimes just disgusted. I don't mind holding hands, but that is about it. He's getting more and more frustrated with the lack of affection, especially as he is a very physical person, he craves touch. Now, I've never been physical - I actually prefer not to be touched most of the time. But I've always been okay with my husband, so I'm wondering why this is coming back now?

I know there is a lot going on. He doesn't do diddly around the house, he is slacking at his job, I constantly feel overwhelmed. I hate my body (always have, but especially now), I hate the way I feel most of the time - snippy and insensitive, quick to criticize, temperamental. The more he pushes this whole intimacy thing, the angrier I become. I feel more and more lately like I just don't really love my husband, not the way I should. But I don't want to end our marriage - I just would prefer a marriage with no sex. XD That isn't going to happen, though.

I am at the point where something is wrong with me and I need to see a doctor? I mean, every time we even try, it is like my body just shuts down. We haven't had sex in six weeks, and it isn't because I have been telling him 'no'. I've told him to go ahead, but he says if I'm not going to be involved and enjoy it, he wants no part of it. Should I just fake it? He never tell the difference anyhow. 

I just don't know.[/QUOTE]


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Forget sex and back rubs and what not.

Did you ever feel emotionally connected to him or was it one of those "well, it looked like a good idea at the time" type marriages? Forget the sex early on... 

Can you prioritize and compartmentalize things so that it all does NOT look like a big pain as it looks now?

Would you like to connect/reconnect with H or its just too much work? 

If any of the above is a NO, that's all she wrote.

As a bonus question,  How did you manage the process on when you're not a physical person and he is very physical? Was he aware of it from early on by your actions or attitude?

Also, any cultural differences vis a vis intimacy attitudes he should be aware of?


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