# Sexless and sad



## longlost (Jul 26, 2011)

This post was originally in another thread, but that thread is gone, so I'm starting a whole new one - so, if you've already read this, I apologize...

I'm new to this forum, and discovered this thread during an internet search. I read several of the threads and felt compelled to share my own story - not to give or get advice (although I'd be happy to get any) but more because I wanted to tell someone, anyone - and to show that many paths can lead to the same destination. I preface this by saying that my wife and I have only had sex maybe 10 times in the past 10 years.

My wife and I had a relatively active sex life up until our first child was born, (at 25). There was no surprise there - a baby leads to a lot of stress and sleepless nights, so when intimacy dropped off I didn't really sweat it. After a year or so, sex dropped off to mostly special occasions - Valentine's Day, our anniversary, etc. I wanted more, but I didn't press it very hard because I felt bad pressuring her.

Then, shortly after our daughter turned two, I found out my wife was having an affair with a guy at her work. I was in denial about it at first, because when I confronted her, she denied it so vehemently and got so angry, I decided I must be imagining things. But eventually the evidence became overwhelming - I found cards in her dresser that he had sent her, and lingerie that I had never seen - in fact, she hadn't worn lingerie in front of me for years, at that point.

When she finally admitted it, she was actually angry at me for going through her stuff. She took our daughter and moved in with her parents, and said she needed time to think. I tried to give her her space, but I missed her and missed my daughter, and I couldn't stay away for very long. And for awhile, she'd send me these really mixed signals - one day she'd meet me for lunch, give me a passionate kiss and tell me she missed me. The next, she'd tell me she never loved me to begin with. 

We were so head over heels for each other when me got married, that I just chalked it up to her wanting to inflict as much pain on me as possible. Then one day we met to take our daughter to the playground, and she told me that she had been thinking about me and thinking about us getting back together. It was the happiest day I'd had in months. 24 hours later, she called to tell me she wanted a divorce. Literally an hour after we had met at the playground, she had hopped on a plane to meet this other guy's family, and she had stayed with him and they had had sex. I was devastated - absolutely destroyed. I had never experienced anything so cruel in my entire life.

After a few months of wallowing and self-destructive behavior, I managed to pull myself together. I poured myself into my work, moved into a studio apartment, and volunteered for the Red Cross to insure I didn't have any free time to dwell on things. Just as I was starting to feel like I might actually be able to get past it all, my wife called me at work one day to tell me she was pregnant. She told me that she wasn't sure how she felt about the new guy anymore, she was looking for an apartment, but that she would make sure none of it affected our daughter. (?!?!) I went totally numb.

I told her if there was anything she needed to let me know, and that I would keep her on my health insurance, since I knew she didn't have any.

Over the next few months, we gradually started hanging out - usually when she would bring our daughter over to stay with me. One night, she was particularly emotional, and told me she had made huge mistakes, and ran out of my apartment crying. Not long after, she told me she wanted to get back together.

I was excited because I still loved her, and I really wanted to be a full-time dad to my daughter. I told her that I wanted to raise the new baby as my own.

Now fast forward to present day - it's been 16 years since "the bad year", as we call it. I'm in my early 40s and I have always had a normal sex drive, but as I said, things ground to a halt about ten years ago. When the drought started, a couple of weeks would go by - then a couple of months. I'd try to talk about it subtly and then not so subtly, which usually resulted in an argument. Eventually, when you get shot down so much, you pretty well quit trying. To further complicate matters, I developed erectile dysfunction about seven years ago. I suspect it is largely psychological.

My wife is a great mother, but not overly affectionate - at least not with me. We sometimes go days without touching, except in the most casual way. When we do touch, it's me initiating it - holding her hand in the car, or stealing a kiss or a hug. She almost never does these things on her own. I know she doesn't realize this.

The odd thing is that in the last couple of years, she's talked about wanting to have sex more often. I really want to, but the ED gets in the way. I'm working on getting on a medication that works, but haven't found the right fit quite yet (which is part of what leads me to believe it's more psychological than physiological). 

Nevertheless, there's more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak, and I'm willing to try anything, but she's not interested in anything other than a missionary position kind of thing. She was much more sexually adventurous when we first got married, but she's downright prudish now.

It's all so weird and frustrating. I have a theory that now that our kids are grown and nearly out of the house, it's scary for her because we don't have much in common outside of our kids. We don't like the same music or TV shows; I have several hobbies, she has none; I am a social person with a wide circle of friends and a couple of close friends, she has no close friends other than me (her words). To be honest, I'm not sure she really, truly loves me. In a handful of occasions in the past, she said, "I hate you" in a fit of anger, or even invoked the "D" word once or twice. I've never said either. I don't think I've ever in my life told someone I hated them.

Our daughter is getting married next year, and our son will graduate high school around the same time. I just can't imagine how all this will play out. I already feel alone a lot of the time, and when the kids are gone, it can only get worse for both of us.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

longlost said:


> This post was originally in another thread, but that thread is gone, so I'm starting a whole new one - so, if you've already read this, I apologize...
> 
> I'm new to this forum, and discovered this thread during an internet search. I read several of the threads and felt compelled to share my own story - not to give or get advice (although I'd be happy to get any) but more because I wanted to tell someone, anyone - and to show that many paths can lead to the same destination. I preface this by saying that my wife and I have only had sex maybe 10 times in the past 10 years.
> 
> ...


 I'd guess that you were a convienent backup plan after the new relationship did not work out and you have been "tolerated" to help raise an unwanted second child. This would explain the sex frequency and lack of passion over the years. I'm not sure I would be able to trust someone who did the things you described. If things are how you describe then its clear she does not love you in a romantic way, but you all ready know this. She sounds like she is more afraid of being on her own then anything else.


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## longlost (Jul 26, 2011)

It's entirely possible you're right, but I was never blind to that. I have regrets, but not with the overall path I chose. There's nothing I wouldn't have done to benefit my children.


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## longlost (Jul 26, 2011)

Also, after re-reading my post, I feel that I should clarify certain things. It comes across as really dour, which isn't a true reflection of my marriage, but more a reflection of my mood when I wrote it.

First off, I was not without fault in our marriage problems. We got married young and I was really immature - we both were. That doesn't excuse what she did, but I acknowledge that I absolutely didn't help matters early on. In our first few years of marriage I was sometimes a selfish jerk - no doubt about it.

I would also say that despite how it sounds, though our marriage is largely sexless, it's not joyless. My wife and I do have fun together, we make each other laugh, and I make time to do the activities that we enjoy together, rather than obsesses over the things I often do alone.

I do believe that she loves me, it's just that sometimes I question what kind of love it is, if that makes sense.

I'm encouraged that she does seem to want to increase our sexual activity. My concern is that we're heading for a perfect storm. I feel like I have years of pent up resentment, and I think our differences - that is, lack of things in common - will be magnified considerably when our kids are out of the house. I think we will be forced to really question what kind of relationship we're going to have.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would read the man up and nice guy reference.
Do you have a relationship of convenience or a relationship of attraction? Seems the former. The way you handled her cheating did not make you sexually attractive to her. 

You have to decide if you want a sexual marriage or are you confortable lying to yourself saying a non sexual marriage can still be a good joyful marriage.

She is not a great wife, so elilimate the fear that she will leave you, and through your actions create a sexual marriage.


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