# Ladies perspective please, fight or resign...



## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years, together 15, and we have three children ages 6,3, and almost 2. Sparing the details of prior to the rift I'll jump right into the rest of the story.

Last fall I noticed that she was extremely unhappy, bordering on severe depression. I was, of course, very concerned and tried to help her pinpoint the reason for that depression. This has always been my role in our relationship. In January, after a discussion with an anonymous friend, she informed me that I was the problem.

I had become complacent (my words) and allowed the quality of our life to slip. I've been a stay-at-home dad since my son was born 6 years ago. In that time, there has been a slow decline in the quality of my work as a housekeeper. In addition, I realize now that I was going through some depression over not working or going to school and I'm certain that affected the situation.

In all other regards, I've been a good husband. Loving, caring, going out on date nights, traveling with the family, and I love doing so. But I missed what was important to her. She felt betrayed and used, and was done in January. I asked her to give me a year, and she agreed.

Personally, I have done a 180 in my daily life and routine and I have never felt better. I'm in better shape, the kids are happier, the house is cleaner, and the daily life is fantastic. However, our marriage has not improved. I went through the stages that all people go through and made mistakes; anger, resentment, to name a few. Our normal interaction has been fine, but the love has not grown.

A few weeks ago I asked her what her intentions were (she doesn't like to talk to me about personal things anymore, so I have to ask on occasion) and she told me she was done. She used up all of her love, and doesn't have anything left to give. I told her I released her from her 1 year commitment and we are now in separation talks.

My confusion lies with the fact that no one, her closest friends and family included, understands why she doesn't want to try to make our marriage work. She has not, in the 7 months since we've been doing this, said she wants it to work, despite asking multiple times. She has also not forgiven me, again despite asking multiple times.

She is sad and cries to her sister when I bring up separation plans, but she continues to want to do it. In the past month I've become accepting and wanting her to heal, no matter what it means for me. I've reminded her that I'm only doing this because it's what she wants; not because it is what I want.

I haven't actually moved out yet, though we are nearing the time. We have both seen counselors a few times, and so far it's just healing.

Now to my question: should I ask for couples counseling despite her claim that she is done, or should I just continue on the path laid out and be supportive or her decision. What it comes down to is: should I fight or resign?

Thanks for any comments.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Something seems off to me. Are you sure there isn't anyone else (another man) in the picture?

That aside, I think your wife is holding you responsible for 100% of her happiness and that's just not realistic or fair.

I would start going to counseling by yourself. If she's done and thinks life without you wil be happier, she should go for it and see what divorce is really like. Continue to live your best life possible. Go out with friends, do stuff with the kids, etc. Maybe if she sees you happy and moving on, she'll snap out of her funk and want to work on the marriage.

It just seems odd that you have done all she's asked and yet she still doesn't want to work on the marriage. I would explore if she's involved with someone else and just disengage with her and live your best life.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

I've read many stories that many people don't think their wives or husbands would ever cheat and then they find out that they have. I would be extremely surprised if she were actively cheating. What makes more sense to me is that she has become attached/fallen in love with someone else and she thinks it may be better without me. Though it would help make sense of it, I don't have any real inclination to believe it, nor do I think it matters as it would be just a symptom of the bigger problem.

I think that the heartbreak she felt was genuine, and for all the reasons she mentioned. I've told her that I understand how she got there. What I fail to understand is why she doesn't want to try. Her response is that she doesn't know why, and she doesn't want to know. That is the part that confuses me the most.

Any EA she may have had would have formed since our rift, and as I said isn't really my concern. If we are able to get back on track, then it will fall away. If we aren't, then it doesn't matter anyway. 

I continue to make steps to improve my life, and she sees that, but it makes no difference to her as far as our marriage is concerned. I care enough about her still to want her to be happy, but I've been advised by my friends and hers as well not to let her walk all over me.

So I'm still torn between fighting for the marriage, even though she doesn't appear to want it, and just letting her have her way.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Well, to be frank, it definitely DOES matter if she's having an EA. There will be zero chance for your marriage to work if she's having an EA/PA. It won't just "fall away" when things start getting better because things won't get better with someone else in the picture.

If she's having an EA, exposing it helps to end it. Exposing the other person to their spouse also helps.

The problem with affairs is that they are fantasy and real life can't compete with them. 

If you don't do anything about your wife's EA (if she's having one), you deprive both of you the opportunity to turn your marriage around. What will happen is that you will divorce and THEN she'll realize she was a fool to let you go. But it will be too late by then.

So snoop around and see if she's having an EA. Check her cell phone. Check her email activity. And confront her and get it out in the open. Then there is a chance for you.

I agree with your friends. You should not be a doormat. Be strong, live your best life and don't grovel to her for crumbs.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

I'm aware that it would be a major issue if she were having an EA/PA, however there are several additional problems.

Snooping, especially if she is NOT having an affair, will only severely damage our relationship further. I know my wife fairly well, and this would break her for certain beyond repair.

She works from home, and I'm a stay at home dad, so any activities she has are when I'm at home with the kids. I can't go snooping during that time and I can't hack into phones or facebook either.

Even if she is having an EA, confronting her about it would just end up in her saying she was driven to it by me. Disagree all I want, she'd say it doesn't matter because she doesn't love me anyway and she needs to be loved.


Basically, I don't think there is one, and even if there is, I feel that it's not going to be beneficial to deal with it directly. We have to be able to reconnect in some way; any way. I don't know if I can do that with a wife who doesn't want to try, and I don't know if I want to keep banging my head against the wall.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

After doing some more heaving thinking, I've decided to have a talk with her. While I'm close to giving up on her ability to change, I've realized that I'm nowhere near giving up on an unbroken family for our children.

We got in this together (it is not ALL my fault) and we need to get out of this together, wether married or not by the end. Communication and willingness to change has to be there, regardless of selfishness, for our children to have a loving atmosphere.

I'm going to ask for some time to talk her in day or two, so it won't be an ambush. I'll lay it all out, and though I know she'll be pissed, I hope she's also a little bit upset. At least then I'll know I'm getting through.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

silveryposter said:


> My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years, together 15, and we have three children ages 6,3, and almost 2. Sparing the details of prior to the rift I'll jump right into the rest of the story.
> 
> Last fall I noticed that she was extremely unhappy, bordering on severe depression. I was, of course, very concerned and tried to help her pinpoint the reason for that depression. This has always been my role in our relationship. In January, after a discussion with an anonymous friend, she informed me that I was the problem.
> 
> ...


I've highlighted what I consider to be the BIG issue here.

I'm a man, and I can't imaging a woman being attracted to me under the terms you mention above.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

Attraction notwithstanding, the issue is that she wants to be done with our marriage.

After much reading here and other places, I've decided to grow some balls and not move out. We agreed that I would be the one to stay at home for the kids so that they could have a better quality of life. We also need to agree on what direction to take to maintain that quality of life. Since everything but our H/W relationship is better than ever, and I disagree that me moving out would be the best thing, we have some work to do. WE being the key here.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But it is about attraction.

Women cannot be attracted to men they don't respect.

I believe once you start asserting yourself more and holding your ground, she will start to change her mind.


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## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I believe once you start asserting yourself more and holding your ground, she will start to change her mind.


That's what I'm hoping. Going to be diplomatic but firm. I feel very energized by this new perspective, and have noticed that when it comes down to it, if she's the one that doesn't wants to quit, then she should be the one to move out. Not going to mention that yet, but it's high time I stood my ground and stopped letting her dictate how this is going to go.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions thus far.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But do it for yourself! Take your [email protected] back.

One of the reason my husband was soooo sexy to me when we met was because he was his own man.  

Slowly, because of my stupid issues and his stupid issues, we deteriorated ourselves until he felt he had to move out. I admit I wasn't too attracted to him the last 5 months or so as we were spinning into that hole. I love him, very much...but....yea.

Slowly, we are healing and his dominance is coming back and omggggg it's so sexy  

Good luck to you. Be your own man...it will help YOU in the long run.


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