# Suddenly Deflecting



## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

This is related to the thread I'd started last month in the Mental Health section (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/418617-serious-tangle-not-sure-how-move-forward.html) but I feel like I might need a more generalized range of advice for this newer development. 

This last weekend my husband and I tried to sit down with my dad and discuss what we, as a family, can do about my sister's abusive relationship. Apparently her boyfriend being banned from my parents' house didn't hold up (shocking, I know) when my dad went out of town, and instead of there being consequences on their end for this breach, my dad feels like it's his own fault for providing a loophole for them to take advantage of. He had told her that if she were frightened on her own and there was an emergency, that she could get her boyfriend to come and help her. What this apparently translated to was him arriving right after my dad left, staying almost a week, and leaving the night before my dad returned. My sister only admitted to it once my dad was home again, supposedly because she was afraid knowing about it would have ruined his trip. 

My husband, other sister, and I all feel like my dad's word was severely disrespected and now the abusive relationship has one less hurdle with the ban having been pushed aside the moment a chance came up. But when we tried explaining this to my dad, he turned on me and threw accusations and nasty comparisons at me. He's never done anything like this before, it honestly left me stunned. He's never been one to insult me or hurl blame at me for anything that's ever happened to me (I'm a survivor of child abuse through the hands of others outside of my family going back to age 3). He's extremely passive and has never been brought to a place to lash out or handle a situation beyond the act of removing himself and others from the immediate threat. I don't know if it's our being adults, or seeing my sister now go through this, but I feel like he's finally reached his limit and for some reason I was the one he directed it toward. 

He said that I was acting like a pitbull unable to drop it, demanded that I come up with a solution, and I reminded him that I wasn't the parent in the situation, just the concerned sister. He then said that unless the boyfriend actually did something horrible to my sister, there was nothing he could really do. When I tried to say otherwise, he pushed back with saying, "Well at least he hasn't raped her." Both my husband and I sat there with our mouths open. 

He has also recently taken a new stance to a situation when I was 14 and a security guard at my high school had tried to molest me (the guard had his superior hold my hands so that I couldn't fight him off of me). Instead of going to the cops, my parents had decided to remove me from the school entirely, and so I got my diploma through the department of education directly. When my dad had asked for an explanation from the guard, the guard laughed in his face and claimed that he had been watching me the whole day and was merely doing his duty by checking my outfit for code violations (by the way, later on I found out I was the fourth out of an eventual six girls he did this to, almost all resulting in the girls dropping out). My outfit was completely within the realm of code, and despite the fact that I was wearing a skirt with shorts and leggings underneath, he claimed he was able to see my underwear and needed to check. All these years later my dad has been on my side about it, but now he's admitted to me that he felt that my outfit was "asking for it" and that he remembered seeing me leave that day for school and knew it was going to cause trouble. I have no idea why he's changed his memory (he had already left for work by the time I had gone to school that day), but the fact that he's now brought it up along with other moments of my childhood that should not have happened, he's using them to defend and deflect his ability to do anything about my sister. 

I am completely at a loss, and feel like I might have lost the connection I've always thought I had with my dad. I had hoped that as a family, we could all be working toward helping my sister, but now it feels like we're splintering under the stress of it all. My other sister and I having been keeping up with each other during this, are on the same page, and are hoping that we can all sit down and discuss it as adults, but seeing that my dad seems practically unwilling to talk about the subject at all, we don't know if we have the support we once thought we did. I can tell he's in deep pain from everything, and I don't want to push him beyond his own limits, but I felt that for him to have turned it around on me (there were more things he said) shows that there is much more at stake and a lot more not being said. I know a lot of this would be easily handled with counseling, but we cannot convince our sister or parents to get help (both parents are also survivors of child abuse). My parents are perfectly happy to try to get my sister a therapist, but they think that simply printing out a set of names and having her choose one is the limit of their role in this. Beyond that they act like it's all out of their hands and are compounding under the pressure of it all. 

I'm sorry if this is all just a jumble, this entire situation is like a nightmare that will not end.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Look your sister is a grown ass adult. She knows what happened between you and this man. She has all the information, now leave her alone to gain the consequences of her actions. Sometimes, people need to learn from their own mistakes. You can be a good sister and help her pick up the pieces afterwards.

Stop asking your father to stop her from seeing him. His influence on a child over the age of 18 is nil. He must be carrying alot of guilt from you and putting this on him too, is just too much. 

Leave your sister alone and go live your life. Before long your husband is going to get pissed at your over involvement of your sister's relationship. Let it be. She has to make her own mistakes.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In your last thread on this situation, I pointed out that your sister is just as toxic as her boyfriend. I also mentioned to you that everything you described about your past, your sister, your parents, seemed to indicate a very dysfunctional family of origin. I think what you've recently seen with your father is simply more of that. It's not the aberration you seem to imagine. It's an indication of the deep dysfunction which appears to have always been a part of your family. 

Your sister is a grown woman. You are not responsible for her. She, her rapist boyfriend, and apparently also your father, are all toxic to you. This won't get better for you unless and until you stop engaging in this grossly dysfunctional dynamic. You can control you. So, I highly recommend you set up some boundaries for yourself that exclude your dealing with this situation further. Let them sort it out amongst themselves. You cannot fix them, you cannot change them and you cannot save them. Any of them. You can, if you choose, fix, change and save yourself. I would find a really great therapist and work hard on lovingly letting go of the dysfunction that apparently plagues your family of origin.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

brooklynAnn said:


> Leave your sister alone and go live your life. Before long your husband is going to get pissed at your over involvement of your sister's relationship. Let it be. She has to make her own mistakes.



It's actually my husband who keeps pulling us back to my sister. I've been trying to tell him that we should just let it alone, but he feels like because he wasn't there for me then he can be for her. He's dealing with so many different levels of betrayal that he's trying to find something he can do in the current situation to address it. 

I definitely agree that this family dysfunction has always been there, and honestly it's becoming clearer to me every day, it's just difficult to let it sink in. 

I also agree that we should just simply back off and let her make her mistakes, but it's heartbreaking knowing how bad it might end up if she doesn't get out. We had a very rough childhood, and this particular sister and I depended on one another to survive a lot of it so I feel that I owe it to her to at least keep an eye out for major red flags in case she's in danger. I'm just trying to strike a balance that keeps everyone safe. 

But in this particular case, with this post, I was just really taken aback by my dad's focused blame. Because of my childhood, and the degree of social isolation that came from a lot of factors, I really only had my parents and sisters growing up as a source of safety and reliability. No friends, no relatives. Now I'm realizing this was also a lie and that I need to become accustomed to what the family dynamic actually has always been. It's the pain of the disillusionment, I guess, that's hurting the most.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your sister is now aware of everything that went on with you. Your husband cannot save her. You cannot save her. Everyone is entitled to make their own mistakes. I understand where both of you are coming from because I always have the need to fix things in my family. 

But there must come a point when you have to back off. Your father is handling this the best way he can and at this point can only control what happens in his house when he is there. He probably blames himself for alot of the things that happened in the past and how he handled those situations. Thats why he is lashing out at you his safest place. 

Let you husband know there is nothing to be done. Leave it alone. Let her be.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I'd be inclined to never speak to my Dad again! Can you do that?

He's not working with you/for you!

And turn that security guard into the police! Not pressing charges gives him the opportunity to do it to other gals in his future...and he's proven a pattern of being a perpetrator.

Start taking action to do what's right! In doing that - we have to eliminate people in our lives that aren't supportive - that includes your sister and your Dad!

Can you do that? I hope you will.


Your husband only needs to support YOU! Not everyone else!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Obviously, there are several things going on here. 

Let's start with your dad. He is more than passive and he is not going to change. 

Further, talking about all of this makes him realize that as a father, her failed to take care of you as his daughter. 

His passivity, read weakness, caused him to do things that even now cause him shame for not doing what needed to be done to protect his family. 

Further, I guess your sister is just living there. And again, because of his passivity, he refuses to do anything when the answer is to have her leave his house. 

Which is all he can really do, and it would be the right thing to do, if he was not a weak person. No offense to your father, but he is not going to change at this age. 

For you guys and your sister. Your dad should ask her to leave if she wants to be with this man, but he won't. 

You and your sister, should just say that, you are on your own. We want him no where around us or at any family gatherings. You (sister) are welcome, he is not. 

And really all you guys can do is that. Some don't ever want to do this, but when she needs help with something, say sorry cannot help while you are dating him. 

She either gets the message or she does not...


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your family is toxic. Do not get involved in their lives anymore. Do not communicate with them unless they call you. Do not tell your husband any of your family's drama. Your husband thinks that he can help you by telling you what to do. Move away if you can. Live your life in peace!


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