# At my wit's end with husband's failing business, have to choose between bills or food



## amiwrong75 (May 17, 2012)

I'm just so frustrated I don't know what to do. My husband has had his own web design one-man-show for 10+ years now and we are still struggling. We are in a position where we have defaulted on our house payments, our electric, water and phone are consistantly a month or two behind and our children are growing out of their clothes and I can't replace them. When he started this business 10 years ago he promised me that if we couldn't make the bills, he would find work. Well, when I remind him of this he always has reasons that this business isn't profitable, no employees to help, his independent contractors aren't relyable, his client defaulted on their payments, the economy, I'm not helping him, or my mother who was helping for a while quit. He seems to always find ways that nothing is ever because of him. I'm tired of him not taking any responsiblity.

We've been married for 12 years, together for 18. 2 boys, 4yrs and 6yrs. I have been very ill for most of these years with 6 month bouts of feeling good and 6 or so months of not feeling good. When I'm sick, I really can't do anything. Moving from the bed to the kitchen to make lunch for the kids hurts. I work full time for pennies, and he works from home (harder than me as he likes to remind me)

A few years ago I realized that not only were we in severe financial trouble, but that he had been unfaithful with my best friend and that his way of talking to me was very destructive, manipulative and controlling. Last year after counceling, I had had enough and we tried an inhome separation that lasted for a few months. Things have gotten much better. I don't have the resentment like I did have, but we are still in this financial hole. 

While we were separated, I brought up the business and he said that if he couldn't make it profitable by such and such a date, he would fold and find full time work. Well that date came and went and nothing has changed. He has hired a financial adviser and CPA on trade and says things will come around after all the unbilled money comes in. Well, we are still waiting, and I feel that is just another excuse. When I ask him to help clean or cook, he says he can't because he's working on this project or that project. We've inherited at least two homes worth of stuff from other people that he can't say no to and our house is filthy and clutterd with stuff everywhere. We don't even have a table to sit and eat at because his office clutter is all over it because his office is stacked with boxes of office and house stuff. He won't let me go through any of it or get rid of any of it.

I'm tired of living in a house that we are on the verge of loosing and trying to raise two children in filth. He no longer disrespects me like he did or calls me names so there is definate progress on that point, but I'm at my end of my patience. I feel that this life is detrimental to my children. Every where I look there is either clutter or disrepair because we can't afford to fix anything. I tried to talk him into letting the house go and finding somehting that we can afford but then we worked with our mortgage company and reduced our payments. He still gets angry if I spend more than $60 at the grocery store every week, but yet doesn't want to help me make nutritional dinners for the kids even though he says he does. I don't know what to do. I can't stand this life anymore and I'm thinking of returning to our separation, but this time in seperate homes. I just don't want to make the wrong choice. I'm so dissapointed in this life. I really thought things would be different. I'm trying to change my attitude because I want to make sure I am doing everything to make this work, but...I'm so full of anger and depression I just can't seem to do it. I feel like gutting our whole house and saying nothing can come back in. I'm embarased to have anyone over ever and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. I think he probably tells them I'm a slob. UGGG! Help please!!!


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

So you set a date and nothing changed. What were the consequences to him missing this date? Nothing, right? So he doesn't take you seriously.

Your husband has failed in many ways. What else does he need to fail at for you to put your foot down?

Your children come first. He cannot provide for them. Do you have someplace you can go?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

How often do you have sex?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I feel for you. You deserve better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At this point you probably need to look at how you are going to move on with your life. Doing this will open up opportunities for you. When the time comes your choice to stay or leave will be come very clear to you. So don't try to make a decision just yet. Instead work on you.

Do you have anyone who can help you empty out the house? Start going through the boxes. To heck with what he says. My house would look the same if I payed attention to my husband's hording.

Right now the chicken coup (we don't have chickens right now  )wil filled with boxes of things that belong to my husband. they are not in our house. When he moves they go with him. We are divorced now so he will be moving here soon enough.

Go through the piles of junk, extra furnature, etc and divide it up...

1) garage sale stuff (what does not sell at a garage sale goes to charity for a tax writeoff)

2) stuff for the dump

3) things your husband will keep (box them for his move)

4) things that you want to keep.

If your husband fights you tell him that you need the money to support your children so you are selling everything you can do without. He has no choice. Just put your foot down.

Do you belong to a church? IF so you might be able to get some people from the church to help you out with this.

If you need free boxes for packing, check craig's list. People are always putting good moving boxes out and putting ads on craigs list to just come pick them up. .. we even did that when we moved here... we used the free boxes. Then when we were done we put an add on craigslist to get ride of them.

Now see if you can get EBT/foodstamps and other help. ARe you disabled enough with your illness to qualify for Social Security Disabilty? You might wnat to do that.

Start looking at how you can restructure your house and your life to feel better about things. 

If your hsuband is lucky he will wake up and join you in this new path in life.


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## troubadour (Jul 8, 2012)

With all due respect, your husband needs to get his act together. If he can't provide for his family and contribute a fair share of the household income, he doesn't deserve to be called your husband. 

Do what's best for you and your kids. He clearly does not appreciate the effort you put into taking care of them.


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## LoveIsEverything (Jul 18, 2012)

You have only 3 choices in any situation:
1) Change it
2) Accept it
3) Walk away

You can't change him, but you can change yourself. 
Decide which of the 3 alternatives you want to pursue, and then go for it.


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