# Would you take on children that aren't biologically yours?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

So following on from the popular thread also going on in the Men's Clubhouse, I got to ask... How do the men in here feel about taking on children that aren't their own?

Speak from experience or not, whichever is fine.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

All of the women I have dated have had children. 

To me personally, it's a huge deal. I have a special needs child.

Presuming that you can just hope that a co-mingled family will work out and everyone will be happy seems extraordinarily naive to me.

You don't have to look far on these boards to find plenty of posts about step parents that either begrudge the other spouses kids, or they want to choke the sh!t out of them.

I love kids. From a partnering perspective, the person I can see myself with long term either has kids at or close to mine in age, or has grown kids. 

I patently do not want to deal with someone's teenagers while I have youngsters.

That said, have a date tomorrow with a woman that has 2 teen sons.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

tobio said:


> So following on from the popular thread also going on in the Men's Clubhouse, I got to ask... How do the men in here feel about taking on children that aren't their own?
> 
> Speak from experience or not, whichever is fine.


The only man whose opinion counts is the one you’re with 


But for me it would “depend”. I think a lot of men go wrong “moving in” with a ready made family where it’s the mother who has the home solely in her name. I’d feel way too vulnerable.

I’d never ever do that if I didn’t have a place of my own to go to if the sh!te hit the fan. My independence in these things is of great value and paramount importance to me.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

tobio said:


> So following on from the popular thread also going on in the Men's Clubhouse, I got to ask... How do the men in here feel about taking on children that aren't their own?
> 
> Speak from experience or not, whichever is fine.


When I was single, prior to age 28, I knew a lot of divorced women who had kids. I knew they wanted to date me. I never dated any of them for the reason that they had kids. One woman told me I was being "unfair." In those long ago days, the term "pump and dump" was yet to be coined, but I wouldn't have done it anyway, considering my views on sex at the time. 

I looked at dating as part of the road to marriage and had absolutely no intention of ever marrying a woman with kids. We didn't throw around terms like "beta" or "gamma" but that's what it would have been. That was the 28 year old me.


Now If I were to find myself single again at my advanced age, I would certainly consider taking on a 35 year old lady with a couple of kids.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

no...... at this stage in my life i could date someone with kids but would not get serious until they were adults.Obviously that would mean the kids would be older ...say like 15,14


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I married a woman who had a three year old son. She left us (yeah, you read that correctly) when he was about 8. He is now 31 and still my son.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I married a woman who had a three year old son. She left us (yeah, you read that correctly) when he was about 8. He is now 31 and still my son.


very cool of you


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm sure I benefited from the deal more than he did.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I figured you'd just do your best and work to love them like your own.

I didn't consider they'd have a vote.

Or that their mother would largely back them up.

Let's just say it's been a real education.

I would advise any man to tread very lightly here - ala Deejo.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I did it.

I wouldn`t do it again, and would advise any friend of mine not to do it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I might have for the right woman.

However if the kid was from cheating, or worse cheating on me. Then nope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I would take on more children, I love kids. No matter what I'd do my best to try and make it work.

The only thing that would concern me would be if I would be considered a father or not in the child's mind. If I was the proper father, then I think things would work out relatively well.

If the child is a teenager and doesn't want me to supplant his natural father... well that would make the job very difficult when the child is rebellious.

If children don't respect the parent(s) then things can get out of hand very quickly, especially in their teenage years.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

When I was 21 I met and married my ex husband, and I had a 2 year old little boy. My sons sperm donar bailed on him (funny since he begged me for a child) and my ex husband raised my son from 2 and even after we divorced, he still takes "our" son when he picks up our other children for the weekends and vacations. We may have our differences and didn't have a good marriage, but he is an excellent dad to our children. He had full custody of his children (his daughter was adopted from his first ex wife, so not his biologically). 

The only thing I regret not doing was to have my sons sperm donars rights terminated and have my ex husband adopt him, so if anything ever happens to me, all the kids go to my ex husband.

I don't get offended if guys wouldn't want to take on kids that aren't theirs. I do get offended when one of those guys does, and then it creates drama, and everything is blamed on those horrible children, woah is me, bullcrap. If you really don't want to parent step kids, then DON'T get involved, those kids are probably already dealing with their parents splitting up, if they start to love you and you feel you can't deal with them and leave, you're hurting them again.

Being a step parent is challenging, and sometimes it can downright suck, but you're the only one that knows if you can or can't do it. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to. Don't lead someone on, making them think they have a shot with you, and then you say "Well sorry, I can't be with you, you have kids" just don't get involved AT ALL and make everyone's life that much easier.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think step children are going to be more and more these days. In the UK there are over a million single parent families, mainly mothers.

It wasn’t so in my day, it didn’t really come into the equation. I think society’s gone to pot in some ways. There was a debate on TV recently as to whether girls as young as thirteen should be allowed to get birth control from the pharmacist without either their parents or doctors knowledge and approval.

Thirteen years old. Having sex. And all with the approval of the State.

For me (in my day!) there was a lot of shame associated with under sixteen pregnancies and even birth outside of wedlock. All that seems to have gone by in the wind and we literally have an explosion of unmarried mothers living off the State.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Quickest way to make sure voters are dependent on government officials for life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> When I was 21 I met and married my ex husband, and I had a 2 year old little boy. My sons sperm donar bailed on him (funny since he begged me for a child) and my ex husband raised my son from 2 and even after we divorced, he still takes "our" son when he picks up our other children for the weekends and vacations. We may have our differences and didn't have a good marriage, but he is an excellent dad to our children. He had full custody of his children (his daughter was adopted from his first ex wife, so not his biologically).
> 
> The only thing I regret not doing was to have my sons sperm donars rights terminated and have my ex husband adopt him, so if anything ever happens to me, all the kids go to my ex husband.
> 
> ...


Quick question for you.

Let's say your husband enjoys his food and eats BBQ'd chicken with his fingers.

Your 14 y/o daughter thinks it's "gross"

Your daughter sits at dinner every night glaring at your husband who figures something is wrong, but you allow this to persist for 3 months.

When you and your daughter discuss this, do you:

1) Tell her you "know it's gross", but he makes you happy - and ask her to put up with it.

2) Advise her he bought the food and she should lighten up as everyone's personal habits may not fit her mold

3) Get them both together and talk about things to clear the air and perhaps forge a bond of understanding with them.


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

Wife had an 8yo son that I adopted after we were married. I would not reccomend it. We never bonded. Created alot of grief between the rest of the family. I could see it differently if the kids were younger but at 8, he was pretty set in his ways and I was a disruption to him being the man of the house. 

Good luck!


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm marrying a woman with a 7 year old in 1 week. Her son and I have already bonded quite a bit. His dad is only in the picture every other weekend, and most of the time her son doesn't even want to go see his dad, and has to be pretty much forced into it.

I'm going in with no regrets whatsoever. He's my best little bud, and I'll be proud to be his step-dad, and hope to make him proud to have me as his step.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Quick question for you.
> 
> Let's say your husband enjoys his food and eats BBQ'd chicken with his fingers.
> 
> ...


None of the above.

You should inform your daughter that eating BBQ chicken with your fingers is the only accepotable way to eat it


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tacoma said:


> None of the above.
> 
> You should inform your daughter that eating BBQ chicken with your fingers is the only accepotable way to eat it
> 
> ...


But, your 14 y/o daughter insists that others "should use" a knife and fork.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I married a woman who had a three year old son. She left us (yeah, you read that correctly) when he was about 8. He is now 31 and still my son.


My uncle did the same thing. Bio-dad was a total bastard who had no interest in the kid. Mom turned bi-polar and when my uncle fought for custody it got ugly. Eventually she was ruled an unfit mother and her older kid became a ward of the state. He wanted to stay with ex-stepdad because it was the only stability he knew in his life. 10 years later they still are very close and my uncle is "dad."


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Conrad said:


> But, your 14 y/o daughter insists that others "should use" a knife and fork.


Make baby back ribs the next day, give her a knife and fork and forbid her from using her fingers

See how that goes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

tacoma said:


> None of the above.
> 
> You should inform your daughter that eating BBQ chicken with your fingers is the only accepotable way to eat it
> 
> ...


Tell your daughter that it's rude to glare at other diners and she can knock it off or eat with the dog. When we eat barbecue she made from meat she bought in a home she bought, we will eat it with whatever utensils she provides. Till then, she can sit down, wipe the glare off her face, act like a human being, or leave the table.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Tell your daughter that it's rude to glare at other diners and she can knock it off or eat with the dog. When we eat barbecue she made from meat she bought in a home she bought, we will eat it with whatever utensils she provides. Till then, she can sit down, wipe the glare off her face, act like a human being, or leave the table.


Suffice it to say, I'm one of those that believe we should treat our spouses better than our children. I'm not in the habit of indulging a 14 y/o when it comes to their idea of "how things should be" in our home.

I was alone in that perception.

When women actually connect with what "respect" means to a man, they'd never do this. Alas, when these subjects are brought up, we often get anger, personalization, and resentment.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

Conrad said:


> But, your 14 y/o daughter insists that others "should use" a knife and fork.


Drumsticks come with a handle, ready made to pick up and nom nom nom on. 

Does she eat popsicles with utensils? 

How about hot wings? Who in the world would eat hot wings with utensils?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Drumsticks come with a handle, ready made to pick up and nom nom nom on.
> 
> Does she eat popsicles with utensils?
> 
> How about hot wings? Who in the world would eat hot wings with utensils?


I notice the women have grown silent.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I notice the women have grown silent.


I thought I heard crickets chirping...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In what universe do 14 year olds run the show? Nobody gives a rat's butt what they find "gross". The whole idea of good manners is to make others feel welcomed and comfortable. Glaring isn't good manners. Openly complaining about others' table manners is bad manners. I don't argue with kids. I don't normally even explain myself to kids. I have always made it clear to mine that disrespect to my wife is the same as disrespect to me and won't be tolerated. If she's too much a princess to eat in peace with the rest of the family, she can dine alone if there's anything left.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> In what universe do 14 year olds run the show? Nobody gives a rat's butt what they find "gross". The whole idea of good manners is to make others feel welcomed and comfortable. Glaring isn't good manners. Openly complaining about others' table manners is bad manners. I don't argue with kids. I don't normally even explain myself to kids. I have always made it clear to mine that disrespect to my wife is the same as disrespect to me and won't be tolerated. If she's too much a princess to eat in peace with the rest of the family, she can dine alone if there's anything left.


I don't think any good man would disagree with the idea that nurturing children into productive, moral, honorable adults is actually a primary goal in life - and SHOULD be the stuff that families are about.

Subverting that into "getting what you can" to indulge the appetites and passions of adolescents is a one-way ticket to hell. Yet, these things happen one transaction at a time.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

This is why I was routinely thrown out of the house at that age. Teenagers are intolerable.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I would have no problem with that. Sorry, I'm happily married.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Children having respect for parents (step, adopted or otherwise) is really important. Without that you have a house filled with conflict, and children don't learn to respect authority.

Let's face it everyone has a boss, best to learn to respect it while remaining an individual at a young age.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Quick question for you.
> 
> Let's say your husband enjoys his food and eats BBQ'd chicken with his fingers.
> 
> ...


I don't know what this has to do with me at all.

I will say that if my daughter feels the need to glare at anyone be it me, her brothers, my future husband or future step sister, she can go sit in her room until she acts less rude, I didn't raise my kids to be jerks (though that will remain to be seen when she actually hits her teens, but she's far, far from it). Why did you ask me this question?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I don't know what this has to do with me at all.
> 
> I will say that if my daughter feels the need to glare at anyone be it me, her brothers, my future husband or future step sister, she can go sit in her room until she acts less rude, I didn't raise my kids to be jerks (though that will remain to be seen when she actually hits her teens, but she's far, far from it). Why did you ask me this question?


Who wrote the following:

_* I do get offended when one of those guys does, and then it creates drama, and everything is blamed on those horrible children, woah is me, bullcrap. If you really don't want to parent step kids, then DON'T get involved, those kids are probably already dealing with their parents splitting up, if they start to love you and you feel you can't deal with them and leave, you're hurting them again.*_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Who wrote the following:
> 
> _* I do get offended when one of those guys does, and then it creates drama, and everything is blamed on those horrible children, woah is me, bullcrap. If you really don't want to parent step kids, then DON'T get involved, those kids are probably already dealing with their parents splitting up, if they start to love you and you feel you can't deal with them and leave, you're hurting them again.*_


Correct, I wrote that. I stand by the "if you don't want to deal with someone else's child/ren, then don't even bother getting involved with someone who has them" What's wrong with that?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Correct, I wrote that. I stand by the "if you don't want to deal with someone else's child/ren, then don't even bother getting involved with someone who has them" What's wrong with that?


What if you have no problem with it, but are confronted with the scenario I laid out?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I raised a step daughter as my own since she was two.

Anyone man or woman who takes on a ready made family deserves special respect.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

My experience comes from a little different angle than most who have answered, but I can answer from experience, and it answers the original question. It's the topic of the article I wrote in this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/45282-adoption-beautiful-option.html

Written from my experience.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I would certainly be open to it, with a few conditions:

1) I'd insisted on being respected as an adult in the home (no rudeness, no talking to me like I'm one of their friends).

2) No open contradiction from my wife.

3) Contribution would be commensurate with involvement. If the kids have an involved and providing dad, I'll gladly stay in the background. If the kids need a dad, I'll fill that role. But I won't be a blank check who pays all the bills and stays out of the way. That dynamic simply does not work for me.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I don't know if I'd be able to date someone who already has kids because I'm sure his ex would still be in the picture and they would have daily/weekly contacts.
To me, every ex of my supposed partner is a threat.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Perhaps. But at this point I would NEVER get involved with anyone who's children weren't adults. I am past that.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Conrad said:


> What if you have no problem with it, but are confronted with the scenario I laid out?


And I said, my child would be punished. My spouse also has a say so on punishments and laying down the rules. He doesn't go over the line (which would be physical punishment, which is only done by me or my ex husband, not my guy or my ex's wife). If they are in the wrong, they are punished (grounded, things taken away, etc) At the moment they respect him, and love having him around. I'm sure it's not going to always be smooth sailing, and there is most likely going to be problems when they get older.


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## ahhnold (Mar 28, 2012)

Generally im fine with dating other women who have kids or even a marriage with one. BUT the child has to be reasonably accepting of me being in his mother's life. If the child is not then im gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> And I said, my child would be punished. My spouse also has a say so on punishments and laying down the rules. He doesn't go over the line (which would be physical punishment, which is only done by me or my ex husband, not my guy or my ex's wife). If they are in the wrong, they are punished (grounded, things taken away, etc) At the moment they respect him, and love having him around. I'm sure it's not going to always be smooth sailing, and there is most likely going to be problems when they get older.


Just be careful.

If that sort of behavior is treated sympathetically by the mother - and she asks her husband to put up with it? The couple won't make it to the finish line.

Kids test boundaries.

Boundaries require enforcement.


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

On the BBQ thing: That is hard, 14 y/o girl probably has a mental image of men as the models on the A&F catalogs, hairless, muscled, and perfect.

To see a middle age man with possible body hair and cellulite who is porking your mom suck BBQ sauce off of his fingers at the dinner table. That might be a little much for a early teens view of reality.

She SHOULD be able to laugh a little about it instead of glaring.

On the accepting another's kid into your family:

I see it in my inlaws side. The current couple fights about the bio-dad etc, they set no boundaries there. And the kid calls step-dad (my BOL) dad, and BOL does nothing that even resembles parenting.

But these people are white trash... Not going to take care of ANY kid in a nice way.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The kids take their cue from their bio parent.

If she doesn't respect the man, no way they will.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

I could never date a person that had children. I have no children by choice and no way I'd take on parenthood at this stage in my life. Thankfully, my Man has no children, either--perfect couple 

One of my coworkers said he had no problem dating a woman that had children as long as the relationship with her ex husband was amicable. He said (and I quote), "I ain't got time for baby daddy drama". I thought that was pretty funny.


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## gav (Nov 13, 2011)

My wife had three kids when we got married, and I had two (I have full custody of them)

I have since adopted them and we're a full on family. Most people don't think that we're blended, and I'm Dad to all five, not just the two that are biologically mine.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't know if I'd be able to date someone who already has kids because I'm sure his ex would still be in the picture and they would have daily/weekly contacts.
> To me, every ex of my supposed partner is a threat.


I can totally sympathize with this. IMO the threat is not so much she wants him back but rather she is angered about him moving on and being happy with his life, having another woman in her kid's life, etc. As a result, she decides to stir up trouble.

You hear stories about how an ex will make false abuse allegations and what not. Scary thing is if someone will do that to an ex spouse you know he or she will do it to a new boyfriend / girlfriend as well.

I should have added this to my list from earlier. If I got with a lady and she had a crazy ex making threats, false allegations, etc. things would have to change in a hurry. Get him acting straight or I'm out.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

DTO said:


> I can totally sympathize with this. IMO the threat is not so much she wants him back but rather she is angered about him moving on and being happy with his life, having another woman in her kid's life, etc. As a result, she decides to stir up trouble.
> 
> You hear stories about how an ex will make false abuse allegations and what not. Scary thing is if someone will do that to an ex spouse you know he or she will do it to a new boyfriend / girlfriend as well.
> 
> I should have added this to my list from earlier. If I got with a lady and she had a crazy ex making threats, false allegations, etc. things would have to change in a hurry. Get him acting straight or I'm out.


That last paragraph. If you know the way to get a crazy person acting straight then I'm surprised you haven't shared this with the world! You would be minted! Seriously though - how does one get their ex to stop acting like a tool because I do not know the secret to this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gav (Nov 13, 2011)

tobio said:


> That last paragraph. If you know the way to get a crazy person acting straight then I'm surprised you haven't shared this with the world! You would be minted! Seriously though - how does one get their ex to stop acting like a tool because I do not know the secret to this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think it's possible...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tobio said:


> That last paragraph. If you know the way to get a crazy person acting straight then I'm surprised you haven't shared this with the world! You would be minted! Seriously though - how does one get their ex to stop acting like a tool because I do not know the secret to this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't mean to say that I'm bothered by the every day tool that makes snarky comments and gives you crusty looks. I am way past that point in my life, plus I am pretty quick with a response of my own.

I meant that I would avoid somebody with an ex that actively tried to disrupt our lives. I think that such activities can effectively be shut down through the appropriate channels, and would expect my partner to do so to respect our relationship.

For instance, I had a friend with an ex b/f who kept finding reasons to call or try to come over. If that happened to someone I was seriously dating or married to, I would say to get a restraining order if necessary, but stop the constant interruptions. Or, you hear about people who file false child abuse complaints as a form of revenge. I would say that the law provides sanctions for such activity so she needs to get a lawyer, clear our names, and go to court over this - period.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

i would not like to or prefer to do it but if i was without a woman and single and met someone who had children i would if i liked the woman.

always the horror if the child hates you


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

And don't get talked into adoption. 

A distant relative meets and marries a woman with two kids. Four years later - with her applying a lot of pressure - he adopts them. Her pressure was due to: His income was much higher than her ex husbands. 

Two years after the adoptions are finalized she divorces him and he is now fully on the hook for child support until they reach
18. I did the math. I believe he is looking at about 400K in child support. 




DTO said:


> I would certainly be open to it, with a few conditions:
> 
> 1) I'd insisted on being respected as an adult in the home (no rudeness, no talking to me like I'm one of their friends).
> 
> ...


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