# Single Mom question



## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

In posting in the other board about considering divorce, I realize my biggest issue is being a single mom with a 11yo daughter.

Any single moms out there with young daughters that can discuss the realities of being single with a yd?

My fear that keeps me from leaving my husband stem from my own childhood after my mom finally divorced my very abusive father. I was 12 when they divorced and was happy about it. My mom didn't date officially in her words to keep bad things from happening to me. But she would have male coworkers come to the house or friends. Several 'friends' made sex type remarks to me when mom wasn't in the room. Nothing bad happened except for when my mom went away for a month from depression and left me and my brother with her married couple friends - the husband forcefully kissed me, so then I went to stay with my uncle til she came back.

I don't want any of my stories though to ever happen to my daughter. Even though nothing happened, it changed how I thought of men. I was a shy, immature 12 not like 12yo today. I had no thought or want or idea of any of that then. During that time though, I grew up fast. My daughter is 11 but she is really like 8 maybe 9 - she is the shy, innocent me and I want to keep it that way - until she becomes the normal obstinate teen normally.

How do you single moms handle these issues - having a social life and dating while keeping your daughters safe?


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

wow 109 views and no one wants to share a story about how single parenting is okay?

I see that as a big promoter to stay married in my situation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am really sorry that happened to you, OP. I have heard similar concerns from other single moms.

I admire your devotion to your daughter.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

mjgh06 said:


> wow 109 views and no one wants to share a story about how single parenting is okay?
> 
> I see that as a big promoter to stay married in my situation.


Hi Again migh. :smile2: You asked for advice from a very small subset of TAM SM with YD. So expect the ratio of views to comments to be very high.

I just wanted to say you sound like an awesome mom. It is truly inspiring to see you want to make a happy life for you and your daughter. Best wishes

Signed, 
Not at SM with YD


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

And if you do not get many responses, you can ask a moderator to move this to the Ladies Forum. That might help.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I'm not a single mum, I'm a single daddy with my little cuteness! Daughter's 6 

I'm not with her all the time, other times my ex-wife has her and we both keep her in trusted circles. What is your question exactly? How to keep your daughter safe?

Hard to answer, because one can never be fully safe; for my daughter most of the time, others knowing that she has a violent psychopathic dad who actively hunted down people years ago who even spoke ill about her seems to have kept others from hurting her over the years lol. Even more so now that I'm a position where there are plenty of ways I can circumvent the law to my benefit and within our circles they know it.

The last time someone tried anything was at church when a couple slapped her as a disciplinary measure so I confronted them and ensured them I have nothing against breaking in their ribs and have them coughing out blood from their lungs if they dared to try anything like that again lol (well, ok, not that graphic, but it was implied  ). They stopped, though they complained to my ex-wife that whenever I'm there they feel threatened that I'm going to do something to them but I don't care heh

Either than that, and ensuring to keep her in trusted supervision, I really have no idea either how else to prevent harm coming to her either than ensuring that people know there will be consequences if they dared to hurt my baby girl.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

I was a single mom for about year in between my first marriage and marriage now. 
Basically I just made a rule- no men meeting or being around my daughter. Period. 
Only bc you don't want to expose your daughter to a bunch of different guys while dating. You just have to find a sitter or someone to watch her while you go out on dates. Although she's getting old enough soon to be able to stay home and understand dating. But not this young. 
I also looked for someone who had kids as well when I was dating as that's easier than being with someone who doesn't have kids already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the idea of not letting anyone you date meet your daughter before dating them for a pretty long time, maybe a year or so.

There are men who look for single moms and divorced women with children for the purpose of getting close to the children. These guys often come off as the most wonder 'father' figure types. So a mom can be easily fooled. 

So if a guy like this finds out that he will not get access to your daughter, he's not going to stick around.

However, this topic should not stop you from divorcing if you really need to get a divorce.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Simple. You just keep your dating life completely separate from your kids. You don't introduce your kids to anyone until you're SURE they are marriage material. Honestly, it is not rocket science.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Well, I'm not a single mum, I'm a single daddy with my little cuteness! Daughter's 6
> 
> I'm not with her all the time, other times my ex-wife has her and we both keep her in trusted circles. What is your question exactly? How to keep your daughter safe?
> 
> ...


Wait, what? Do you seriously consider yourself a violent psychopath?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Myself? No I consider myself fully functional  despite the diagnose during my teens

Still I like to jest about it 

Don't mind me, I'm still figuring out what OP is actually even asking =/


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Myself? No I consider myself fully functional  despite the diagnose during my teens
> 
> Still I like to jest about it
> 
> Don't mind me, I'm still figuring out what OP is actually even asking =/


LOL! Hence my "it's not rocket science" comment!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I admire you for your dedication to your daughter, and her safety. I also echo @EleGirl when she says not to let this stop you, if you really need to get a divorce. Are you able to elaborate on your reasons for wanting to leave your husband?

With regard to your daughter and your dating, don't bring other men around to meet her until you're sure that it's a serious relationship - partly for the reason elegirl stated above, and partly so as your daughter doesn't get attached to someone and then they're gone. No sleepovers while your daughter is with you. I have a good friend who followed that when dating after her divorce, and her now grown daughter thanked her for not having men sleep over when they were there. When the kids were with their dad it was different, but when the kids were with her, she never had her boyfriends come to the house (she only had a couple).

The sad fact is, that if single mum's have a man move in, their daughter is at extreme risk. The statistics scream it all over the place. So it's really important that you take it slow with a new relationship, don't get your daughter involved in your dating life until you've been dating for a while and don't leave her alone with him after they've met.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

> My fear that keeps me from leaving my husband stem from my own childhood after my mom finally divorced my very abusive father.


Why don't you divorce your H first and THEN ask about dating as a single mom. Or are you one of these people that needs a replacement to jump to before leaving your current spouse?

I think you have bigger issues to consider before dating. Like making sure your child is protected emotionally during your divorce. Priorities, right?

Good luck.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

Thanks everyone for the comments - was beginning to wonder if I would get any.
@RandomDude
I started another post in contemplating divorce. My question here was how do you handle a social life - having friends not necessarily bfs around a young daughter and not allow your fear to control you having a life. From my experience even though my mom didn't date after the divorce she did have guy coworkers/friends that came over and there were times where I was uncomfortable.
@SecondTime'Round
I agree with the no guys around my daughter 100%.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mjgh06 said:


> Thanks everyone for the comments - was beginning to wonder if I would get any.
> 
> @RandomDude
> I started another post in contemplating divorce. My question here was how do you handle a social life - having friends not necessarily bfs around a young daughter and not allow your fear to control you having a life. *From my experience even though my mom didn't date after the divorce she did have guy coworkers/friends that came over and there were times where I was uncomfortable*.
> ...


This is something you can talk to your daughter about. Tell her what to be careful of, to get out of anything that seems odd immediately. Maybe the two of you could set up a safe word so that she could just blurt that out. 

You are talking about casual friend situations. Just don't leave your daughter alone with any man and make sure that none pay too much attention to her.

Not all men are bad men after children. Not by a long shot. But the problem is that predators pick their situations and have high numbers of victims.

This sounds like an issue that you have from your youth. What have you done to come to term with it for yourself? Maybe if you got some counseling on the topic and had the counselor help you develop a healthy way to handle with your daughter.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

@sapientia

Yes I very much know protecting my daughter is top priority. You may think that this is backwards thinking, but right now I see two scenarios for me in my situation - stay unhappy with where I am at, but with the guarantee that my dd is protected, loved and safe; or D and be happy alone with my dd until she is grown out on her own, but with potential emotional issues from going through a D. This is part of it in my contemplating D. I choose to try to see the big picture before making such a drastic decision. 

I don't know. I personally don't see how any woman can have a social life with or without dating after D if they have children at home. With my past, I would not be able to trust any man meeting my daughter ever and that to me is a big reason why I may choose not to D. I was looking for viewpoints from others who have successfully done so and how they feel their children have held up.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> This sounds like an issue that you have from your youth. What have you done to come to term with it for yourself? Maybe if you got some counseling on the topic and had the counselor help you develop a healthy way to handle with your daughter.


It is definitely from my past, and I went through a lot of counseling for it when I was younger. I agree it would be something I would have to discuss with a counselor if I decide to D. Honestly though I don't think any counseling will ever remove my fear and protective instincts until dd is grown. That's where I am at now - thinking if I did D I would choose to be without a social life until she is grown on her own. I was hoping others here had experiences that would help me feel more grounded.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mjgh06 said:


> @sapientia
> 
> Yes I very much know protecting my daughter is top priority. You may think that this is backwards thinking, but right now I see two scenarios for me in my situation - stay unhappy with where I am at, but with the guarantee that my dd is protected, loved and safe; or D and be happy alone with my dd until she is grown out on her own, but with potential emotional issues from going through a D. This is part of it in my contemplating D. I choose to try to see the big picture before making such a drastic decision.
> 
> I don't know. I personally don't see how any woman can have a social life with or without dating after D if they have children at home. With my past, I would not be able to trust any man meeting my daughter ever and that to me is a big reason why I may choose not to D. I was looking for viewpoints from others who have successfully done so and how they feel their children have held up.


Is your daughter going to be with her father sometimes? It sounds like you anticipate having her 100% of the time.

After I divorced my husband in 1996, I dated. I just planned my dates for the days that my son was not with me.

I did something similar with work. We had comp time. So I would work longer hours when my son was with his dad. That way I could work fewer hours on the days that I had my son.

After the divorce, my son had some issues. We divorced when my son was 7. But he grew out of them. A couple of years after the divorce he was in a kids of divorce support group at school. One of the assignments was to write about how divorce has affected them, etc.

He wrote that divorce was great. He gets double the vacations, two Christmases, two of every other holiday, birthday celebrations, etc. That's my kid...looking at all angles.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mjgh06 said:


> It is definitely from my past, and I went through a lot of counseling for it when I was younger. I agree it would be something I would have to discuss with a counselor if I decide to D. Honestly though I don't think any counseling will ever remove my fear and protective instincts until dd is grown. That's where I am at now - thinking if I did D I would choose to be without a social life until she is grown on her own. I was hoping others here had experiences that would help me feel more grounded.


Being protective is good. That's what parents do. My son did not spend any time in the care of someone who was not close family/friend until he was about 10 or 11. 

The thing that concerns me is if you will end up teaching her to fear men. Some men are cads, some are not. What you need to do is to help her learn how to tell the difference and what to do if some man tries something inappropriate with her. You will make her stronger if you teach her how to handle this... that not all men are just looking to molest her.

When I was a kid my dad had you military guys over at our house all the time. He felt it was important to provide a home away from home situation for the guys. I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers. Not one of those guys tried anything with any of us. It was not until I was an adult that I learned that some creeps those sorts of things.

Don't teach your daughter to fear men. Instead teach her to be strong and to be able to stand up to him, and report it to you, of any male every does anything wrong to her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

Are you co-parenting with your ex btw?

I don't know, ex-wife takes my daughter everywhere with her, most of the time, and doesn't leave her alone unless it's with trusted friends - couples/families only when it comes to our daughter. Since marriage I've seen her circles changed, as they should, so did mine. For me personally I make it a rule that my days with my daughter I commit to her unless I have plans and if I do have plans she tags along as well. I don't see how having my little cuteness under my wings hampered my social life at all nor my ex's. We did have to let go of others within our social circle however, lifestyles just change as parents.

Maybe you just need to find the right set of friends who you and your daughter can trust and associate freely with, away from the fear that "they might do something"


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

mjgh06 said:


> @sapientia I was looking for viewpoints from others who have successfully done so and how they feel their children have held up.


My point is to focus on divorce and recovery from divorce first BEFORE even thinking about dating. Create a stable loving home for your child first. Reclaim your own emotional balance.

I'm deliberately not answering your dating question because I think you are asking the wrong question. Others are enabling you by entertaining you down this mental path.

You should ONLY focus on creating a stable home for your child, together or divorced, before even considering bringing another person into the equation. Be single for at least a year; find your own centre and create stability for your child FIRST.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Are you co-parenting with your ex btw?


No, when we divorced, there was no communication. We neither got out of the car for drop off/pickup. I think back to that time and I went to work and spent time with my son - that was it. The only reason I ended up married again was because my current husband is the brother of my best friend. I knew his family well enough to know he could be trusted.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

@EleGirl
I know my past shaded me. I think I have so far been able to keep my daughter from getting any bad notions or fears. She has no baggage and I want it to stay that way.
@sapientia
You are absolutely right. My issue isn't with dating it is with social - friends. In my mind, parent's interactions shape the idea future of the kids interactions. I want my dd to know you can have friends and be safe. After my first divorce, I was completely alone except for people I saw at work. Me and my son were both isolated and it made him self-reliant to a fault.

I have my answer and thank everyone for posting.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

mjgh06 said:


> You may think that this is backwards thinking, but right now I see two scenarios for me in my situation - stay unhappy with where I am at, but with the guarantee that my dd is protected, loved and safe; or D and be happy alone with my dd until she is grown out on her own, but with potential emotional issues from going through a D. This is part of it in my contemplating D. I choose to try to see the big picture before making such a drastic decision.


As long as you're examining the big picture, keep in mind that the two choices you are describing above aren't accurate.

If you stay unhappily married, you may think your daughter would be protected, loved and safe, but what kind of role model for a marriage would you be teaching her? You'd be teaching her that it's normal and okay for her to choose a husband who acts like yours (which is presumably not good because otherwise you wouldn't be contemplating divorce). And you would not be providing the best parenting you are capable of if you are perennially unhappy.

And if you divorce, you aren't necessarily going to be causing your daughter emotional issues, nor are you guaranteed to be alone until she moves out. Presumably her dad would have parenting time with her, and you could have a social life during your child-free time. And she may be better off away from all the tension she can sense now, even if you think you are keeping it from her.

As they say, better to come from a broken home than to have to continue to live in one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm not, but my mom was, divorced when I was 12. She never dated, not until after I graduated. I have to say, I'm so grateful to her for not dating, though I'm not sure she did it for me as much as she was just burned out on men. If I'd had to 'share' her with a bunch of men over those years, I think I'd have been in worse shape than I was. But then, she became a workaholic after my dad left, and I rarely saw her. So...not sure if that helps or hurts.

I DO know that I didn't leave but my DD25 has told me she wishes I had.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I was a single mom for a few years when my kids were younger. My daughter was 7 when I remarried. I also think you shouldn't even be worried about dating yet. You will need to focus on your daughter if and when you do get a divorce.

Dating wasn't even on my radar for years after I left my first husband. It never was - I ended up in a relationship when it was the last thing I was looking for. We spent months dating before I introduced him to the kids.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

OP I'm sorry for what happened to you when you were young. Not feeling safe while your mother was away is a scary feeling, but I'm glad you had someone you trusted to stay with, like your uncle. I'm sorry you're here.

I have a son rather than a daughter, and he's still pretty small, but believe it or not, single parents of boys worry constantly about this too. Whenever I date someone new, in addition to the usual basic background checks I would do as a single woman, i run several additional checks before going on a date. It sounds totally paranoid but you can't be too careful. I am extremely wary of any guy who voluntarily spends lots of time around young boys. It is sexist and unfair of me, but statistically, they are more likely to be abusers than women. I only leave my son at schools who are very rigorous with their background checks. I stick to the same (female) babysitter who my son loves. And I more or less never leave my son in a room alone with an adult. Since your daughter is older, I would imagine you are less stringent with a lot of these issues. Your concerns about being single and dating with a vulnerable daughter at home are totally valid. I wouldn't bring a date home or have them pick you up at home until several months have passed and you have a real gage of who they are as a person. But you might also want to consider what you're conveying to your daughter if you teach her never to trust a man. It's such a tough balance and honestly I haven't found it yet, completely. Recently realized I almost never have people over to the house because I want this to feel like a safe space. But as a result, he hasn't had a play date yet. Which seems ridiculous. Maybe consider dating other single parents? Good luck!


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## Confused8 (Mar 16, 2016)

It is important for you to take care of your daughter after the divorce. You both will need to heal your wounds. When you are both comfortable with just the two of you, then you can start thinking about dating. But you must learn to love yourself fully first, so you may attract the right kind of guy for you. Take your time and enjoy the gifts that you have, mainly your daughter.

Just my two cents from my firsthand experience.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Good video on why it's not cool to choose to be a single mom. He equates it to child abuse:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeEk4HZGqLo


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