# Is he being controlling?



## RideofmyLife

Went out with a friend last night. Told husband I planned to be back by 11pm because I needed to work the next morning early. He said okay and goodbye. 
I get a text at 9pm from him reminding me I have to get up early the next day. 
I text back about 9:30 saying I'm planning on leaving in an hour. 
I ended up leaving 20 minutes after I said I would. 

Got home and he said I didn't leave much time for me to sleep, I said, well that's on me. 
He mentioned I didn't leave when I said I would. I told him due to the topic of conversation, I couldn't just walk out on my friend at that moment. 

We went to sleep. 
Next morning he asks to talk to me before I leave for work. He says I didn't come home in time to give myself enough time to sleep. I said that's my problem (in a nice way). He then says, well, you woke me up and I tossed and turned forever getting back to sleep. 
I apologized and told him I'd try to be quieter next time and that my friend and I had discussed starting our get together earlier next time so that I could get home earlier. 

I told him that I only got home 10 minutes after I said I'd be home (I was in the driveway by 11:10) and he acted confused. I reminded him that I told him I'd said I'd be home by 11pm. He said he doesn't remember. I told him I'd try to be quieter next time or get home earlier next time or get together with her on a day where he's not getting up early the next day. Kissed him goodbye and went to work. 

Once at work, I have a text from him:
It was closer to 11:30 by the time you got home, so even then that would make you late. When you give someone a time, it's when you will be home, not heading home. I don't mind you going out with your friends but would appreciate you back home closer to a decent hour. 
I responded: 
I'll do what I can not to wake you up next time. And friend and I discussed getting together earlier next time. But there may be times when I'm out later than planned and I'll let you know if that happens. 

So, this morning I was an anxious mess... felt on the verge of a panic attack, too. My stomach clenches up and I can't think straight. It's annoying and concerning because my mom dealt with a stressful relationship and she died young of a pulmonary embolism. 

Is he being controlling here? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing? We have our issues that we're still working through. I also have another thread here, the only other one if you want to read through it. I'm an adult and not his daughter and I feel that it's reasonable to go out once every two weeks and maybe stay out late with my friend. I always text when I'm headed home and always tell him when I expect to start heading home. I always let him know when I'm running later than expected, as well. Thanks for your input.


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## ButtPunch

Why is this in the reconciliation forum? 

Did you divorce and get back together? Any infidelity?


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## lorikeet25

He is acting like your mom. The story as you present it makes him look controlling or at the very least hovering. I would have been annoyed by that. Remind him that he is not your dad and refuse to engage further. You did nothing wrong.


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## 225985

Yes, it is all him. At first I thought he was just being overprotective and worrying, like I do with my wife being out with me. But when he said "I don't mind you going out with your friends but would appreciate you back home closer to a decent hour", that was all wrong. Maybe not being controlling as much as acting like your father. I am guilty of that with my wife so I can recognize that.

Ask him some probing questions:

1) What is your real concern here?
2) What specifically bothers you about this and why?
3) Do you trust me to handle my sleep arrangements and to be safe?

Ask these in a non-confrontation way.

Yes, he might just be a controlling jerk, but there might be a higher level issue that is driving this on his end. 

Also, tell him that issues like this should be addressed the next day in person, not via texting when you are at work. Texting is a very poor way to communicate relationship issues and prone to misinterpretation. 

Good luck.


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## Lostinthought61

much in the same vein as blueinbr expressed, is this behavior of recent discovery? has he always displayed this behavior with you on this topic or other topics? how long have you been married?


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## Ceegee

ButtPunch said:


> Why is this in the reconciliation forum?
> 
> Did you divorce and get back together? Any infidelity?



Yeah, you need to read the other thread to get a hint of what's going on here.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...icking-up-pieces-after-om-suicide-threat.html


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## MrsAldi

Having been with a controlling psychopath in my past, this behaviour lateness, if he was worried about you, OK that's normal. 

But the texting while you were in work is something. 
It's slightly controlling, I mean you were home safe. You were fine. 
So why can't he forget about it? 
Most normal guys would. 
Because it's about control. 

Abuse grows from the tiniest amount of control. 
He says "would appreciate you come back home closer to a decent hour" 
Now next time you go out you'll be clock watching & not having fun. 
That's him controlling you. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## RideofmyLife

Yeah, there's a ton of crap we've gone through. Open marriage which is now closed, he was in the mental hospital for awhile... I've been trying to accommodate his fears, one of which is I'm going out swinging with this particular friend. That's not happening and we had a good talk a while back. I just feel as though I'm at a point where we've done so much damage to each other that I don't even have a right to stand up for myself, even a little. Should I just accept this behavior and feel resentful or talk to him and cause a big scene where I might have to take a lorazepam just to get through the day. We're in marriage counseling and things have actually been pretty good between us for awhile. I've been told here by some that our issues are beyond the scope of this forum. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.


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## Lostinthought61

Now i recall you Ride, its clear that he still has a trust issue with you, that he does not trust you? have both of you gone to marriage couseling? have you demonstrated to him that you are transparent and open to building that trust? because it sounds to me reading the above statement that there is still a lot of work to be done, and venting is fine but are both of you working rebuilding a foundation?


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## RideofmyLife

Xenote said:


> Now i recall you Ride, its clear that he still has a trust issue with you, that he does not trust you? have both of you gone to marriage couseling? have you demonstrated to him that you are transparent and open to building that trust? because it sounds to me reading the above statement that there is still a lot of work to be done, and venting is fine but are both of you working rebuilding a foundation?


Yes, we are trying. I've opened all my accounts to him, even this one although I don't think he's reading anymore. I'm trying to be sensitive to the fact that he felt betrayed by my contacting a couple men online while we were separated. I think there's still a lot of buried stuff we haven't gotten into. We each know that our relationship isn't what it used to be. The trust, love and respect has taken a hit, that's for sure. He still doesn't trust me. I know that and he's admitted it to me as recently as a few weeks ago. 

I went out recently and decided to curl my hair for the first time in years. It had finally gotten long enough. He saw the iron left out, and started spiraling, thinking about how I've taken over the budget, been staying out later (my friend works nights now and her schedules are horrendous), I wear makeup and smell good when I come back from her place (not unusual - I usually try to look/feel good when going out) and that I had been to True swingers recently. He said he'd found it in my browser history. I hadn't gone there deliberately. The only thing I could think of is that I browse the threads on talk about marriage that are about poly/open marriage occasionally and I probably clicked on a link someone posted in that thread. 

We worked through it and I know he's still struggling. I am trying to be transparent and I know I need to be patient, I just want to be able to enjoy my time with my friend without, as someone above said, be clockwatching the entire time. Or worried about if he thinks we're off swinging. I even offered to take pics of her and I wherever we end up going to prove I'm not at a swing party.


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## LucasJackson

Considering the past behavior in this relationship, what you did triggered him and really bothered him. He's trying to be civil about it but he keeps bringing it up because it scared the hell out of him. A safe partner should assuage those fears.


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## LucasJackson

RideofmyLife said:


> Yeah, there's a ton of crap we've gone through. Open marriage which is now closed, he was in the mental hospital for awhile... I've been trying to accommodate his fears, one of which is I'm going out swinging with this particular friend. That's not happening and we had a good talk a while back. I just feel as though I'm at a point where we've done so much damage to each other that I don't even have a right to stand up for myself, even a little. Should I just accept this behavior and feel resentful or talk to him and cause a big scene where I might have to take a lorazepam just to get through the day. We're in marriage counseling and things have actually been pretty good between us for awhile. I've been told here by some that our issues are beyond the scope of this forum. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.


When the relationship was "open" was that equally or was it him sitting at home while you went out and had fun?


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## RideofmyLife

LucasJackson said:


> When the relationship was "open" was that equally or was it him sitting at home while you went out and had fun?


We each had a partner.


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## LucasJackson

RideofmyLife said:


> We each had a partner.


Somebody had a partner first. Who opened the marriage? Who closed it? If you say "mutual" that's cool but someone made the first statement about opening and then closing the marriage. That will help explain his mindset even though I can already tell that he's triggering badly. You going out on the town without him doesn't help.


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## KillerClown

OK, I had to go back and read your previous thread. :surprise:

You husband is not controlling. He is a basket case. He needs serious help. You seem to think that things can go back to normal. It's not going to happen.

Kinky open marriage is for tough skinned people who can put on the polyester leisure suit and live the part. Guys like your husband who would have a seizure with a smile on his face while being handcuffed, anal-probed and ball-gagged shouldn't be trying it. Now he's seriously broken and you need to decide if you want to be his nursemaid or move on with your life.

You don't need to feel guilty for how things turned out. Your husband would have done this to himself with or without you.


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## RideofmyLife

LucasJackson said:


> Somebody had a partner first. Who opened the marriage? Who closed it? If you say "mutual" that's cool but someone made the first statement about opening and then closing the marriage. That will help explain his mindset even though I can already tell that he's triggering badly. You going out on the town without him doesn't help.


He was the one that suggested being with other people. We made a joint decision to open. I closed it.


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## Lostinthought61

my fear Ride is that he is still in a fragile state of paranoia, that he is almost fixated this fear that you will find another partner, you'll fall in love with them, and he will lose you and in the process of is suffocating you because he's afraid to let go, if he loosen the collar you will slip out and find a new partner and leave him...its a vicious circle where no one is happy, he needs Individual couseling and then both of you need marriage couseling, it maybe that you can't do it right now, but you might want to get the book affair proofing your marriage and also his needs your needs


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## RideofmyLife

Xenote said:


> my fear Ride is that he is still in a fragile state of paranoia, that he is almost fixated this fear that you will find another partner, you'll fall in love with them, and he will lose you and in the process of is suffocating you because he's afraid to let go, if he loosen the collar you will slip out and find a new partner and leave him...its a vicious circle where no one is happy, he needs Individual couseling and then both of you need marriage couseling, it maybe that you can't do it right now, but you might want to get the book affair proofing your marriage and also his needs your needs


Thank you, I keep meaning to read his needs her needs, but haven't picked it up yet. I'll check out the other one. I admit, I think about being with other people sometimes just because it would be so much easier than dealing with all the baggage. But he's a good dad and husband and I'm not going to cheat. I want to work through our issues. He isn't in individual counseling now. He was in the past. I suggested it back during the curling iron incident, but he hasn't gone back yet.


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## turnera

RideofmyLife said:


> I just feel as though I'm at a point where we've done so much damage to each other that I don't even have a right to stand up for myself, even a little.


Explain this.

And explain why you two didn't go back to IC.


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## turnera

RideofmyLife said:


> I admit, I think about being with other people sometimes just because it would be so much easier than dealing with all the baggage.


No, it wouldn't. You would just create NEW baggage with the new person.


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## straightshooter

Ride,

I just have a few thoughts. You two have a past that needs a scorecard so lets leave that aside for now. 

My question is this friend.?/ Is this a friend who 
(1) knew about the open marriage or participated
(2) encouraged you to sext other men and lie to husband
(3) are you going out to talk with this friend or out clubbing in sex charged environments.

his reactions have been over the top, no doubt about that, but everything I have read says that even in healthy relationships, separate vacations, GNO or BNO constantly, and friends who are not helpful to the marriage are not the way to build a healthy relationship and maintain one.

So obviously he needs some tone down here, but i am just asking if what you are doing is just a nice quiet evening with a friend or constant nights out in meat market bars with someone who he does not have a reason to think is a friend of your marriage.


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## Spotthedeaddog

RideofmyLife said:


> Once at work, I have a text from him:
> It was closer to 11:30 by the time you got home, so even then that would make you late. When you give someone a time, it's when you will be home, not heading home. I don't mind you going out with your friends but would appreciate you back home closer to a decent hour.
> I responded:
> I'll do what I can not to wake you up next time. And friend and I discussed getting together earlier next time. But there may be times when I'm out later than planned and I'll let you know if that happens.


Did he say the problem was that you woke him up???

From what you've said, he was concerned that you'd given your word, your assurance that you'd be back at a certain time; which turned out to be a falsehood.

And then to compound the falsehood, you give lousy excuses (like it not really being that late, that you were in transit, that it's about waking him) but don't admit fault to the mistake/lie.
If you won't admit to the error, and continue to dismiss it, how can you be trusted at your word or to personally fix the problem in the future. (recommended way is, leave extra time, and aim for arrival at 10 minutes early. eg say 11pm, target 10:50pm)

"Controlling" perhaps.
"Dealing with a liar" definitely. One who clearly doesn't rank keeping her word to her "loved" one as something of much importance.


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## Spotthedeaddog

lorikeet25 said:


> He is acting like your mom. The story as you present it makes him look controlling or at the very least hovering. I would have been annoyed by that. Remind him that he is not your dad and refuse to engage further. You did nothing wrong.


And then prepared for him to dump your lying butt (especially if you refuse to communicate)


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## Spotthedeaddog

MrsAldi said:


> Having been with a controlling psychopath in my past, this behaviour lateness, if he was worried about you, OK that's normal.
> 
> But the texting while you were in work is something.
> It's slightly controlling, I mean you were home safe. You were fine.
> So why can't he forget about it?
> Most normal guys would.
> Because it's about control.


Control? no. lying, yes.

It would have rubbed on his mind because he was cleared concerned about her being there at 11pm and time ticked by.

This would aggravate any other concerns that exist about fidelity or family priorities such as importance of good showing at work if they are on a budget or saving for something together or if there are issues at work.

With the work text clearly he had good reason for argument at night (that it wasn't 11:10 when she got in) but dropped it because it wasn't the time for that kind of argument, since she was already late at home and had work the next day.
So next day is the time to bring up the incorrect data that she used as her proof. Doesn't surprise me that with her self-absorbtion that she has already shaved a few minutes of all the numbers and going from the time she got in the gate not unloaded after coming in the door ("at home") and is already busy believing her lie.

Although I am biased in this because I had a lengthy relationship with a woman who used to constantly do such things. It would be "couldn't get away". who was there? "no-one important". what were you doing? "nothing". why couldnt you get away? "I just couldnt, it would have been rude". You said 10:30pm, "Yes but it's only 11:30pm, I still have time to do the wrapping". 
So "nothing" with "no-one important" was so critical that she'd blow off me, the person waiting at home, so we could wrap the presents (which I wasn't allowed to do because she liked doing that bit), hoping for a bit of "us" time. It wasnt until much later that I have realised how much I just didn't rank in her priorities and just how much I'd been outright _used_.

So if she gave a damn about her partner, she'd have been home, in the door, noticeably before 11pm. (but she was not, and closer to 11:30pm he knows it too)


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## Spotthedeaddog

Xenote said:


> my fear Ride is that he is still in a fragile state of paranoia, that he is almost fixated this fear that you will find another partner, you'll fall in love with them, and he will lose you and in the process of is suffocating you because he's afraid to let go, if he loosen the collar you will slip out and find a new partner and leave him...its a vicious circle where no one is happy, he needs Individual couseling and then both of you need marriage couseling, it maybe that you can't do it right now, but you might want to get the book affair proofing your marriage and also his needs your needs


Probably he's more concerned about the dishonesty and placing him behind her other frivolities. Clearly what she said to him is not an important priority in her mind. (and she's worrying more about what the flow on consequences will be for her). Exactly the type of reason I keep going on about female self-obsession/self-focus.


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## Spotthedeaddog

RideofmyLife said:


> I wear makeup and smell good when I come back from her place (not unusual - I usually try to look/feel good when going out)



Don't you mean to say "you love your partner and want to look special for him"? not the other way around... that you reserving looking good for strangers and to get attention from people not your partner.


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## MarriedDude

My first thought is...10 min...not a big deal. I do a +/- 60 min when my wife states she will be somehwere...just from experience. 

BUT..having read the back story...and what you have stated about rebuilding trust...just be on time. If you will be late...let him know. Consistently doing what you say you will is rhe sureat way to increase his comfort level. Its really just the considerate thing to do. 

Once you have sincerely apologized...that really needs to be it. He will need to learn to stop adding extranious BS to his complaint...that takes it quickly from legitimate to merely whining edging pretty close to control land. 

It does sound like IC could help him....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee

Is that an elephant over in the corner?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine

based on the history of your marriage, this particular incident is not of much significance. 
You have been a bit flaky for a spouse who is supposed to put the other spouse at ease, initially until trust is built again, you ought to do what you say you will do and follow through and not simply change the goal posts, whether it is timing, the people you hang out with etc. Your H is going to have triggers.


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## GusPolinski

ButtPunch said:


> Why is this in the reconciliation forum?
> 
> Did you divorce and get back together? Any infidelity?


Prepare yourself for quite a read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

spotthedeaddog said:


> And then prepared for him to dump your lying butt (especially if you refuse to communicate)


Yeah, it's all on her.

HE wanted an open marriage. Fvcking other people was more important than his marriage.

She ended it. 

He is not a victim here.

She might be better off if he dumped her, then he could take his baggage elsewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

I fail to see went why OP needs to be kissing his arse. It was him who wanted an open marriage, and they'd still have one if not for her ending it.

So clearly fidelity is actually more important to her than it is to him.

His issues are his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

spotthedeaddog said:


> Probably he's more concerned about the dishonesty and placing him behind her other frivolities. Clearly what she said to him is not an important priority in her mind. (and she's worrying more about what the flow on consequences will be for her). Exactly the type of reason I keep going on about female self-obsession/self-focus.


I'm going to guess you're not happily married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157

I don't think I'd call it controlling, just being an ass. You said you'd be more quiet the next time and you were figuring out ways to leave earlier next time. You gave him ways that you were addressing what happened, but that wasn't good enough. Your solution sounded fine to be. He started out looking out for you but it turned out he was just looking out for him and was concerned because he lost sleep and didn't seem to care whether you did or not.


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## KillerClown

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm going to guess you're not happily married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Check out the 3 threads he started. You'll understand Spot a whole lot more. :grin2:


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## RideofmyLife

turnera said:


> Explain this.
> 
> And explain why you two didn't go back to IC.


He didn't think they were helping all that much, and I just started forgetting to reschedule. I want to start going back, him not so much. He's not so sure they can help him, but we had a great conversation Monday night and I encouraged him to go back since he admitted he had some issues to deal with.


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## RideofmyLife

straightshooter said:


> Ride,
> 
> I just have a few thoughts. You two have a past that needs a scorecard so lets leave that aside for now.
> 
> My question is this friend.?/ Is this a friend who
> (1) knew about the open marriage or participated
> (2) encouraged you to sext other men and lie to husband
> (3) are you going out to talk with this friend or out clubbing in sex charged environments.
> 
> his reactions have been over the top, no doubt about that, but everything I have read says that even in healthy relationships, separate vacations, GNO or BNO constantly, and friends who are not helpful to the marriage are not the way to build a healthy relationship and maintain one.
> 
> So obviously he needs some tone down here, but i am just asking if what you are doing is just a nice quiet evening with a friend or constant nights out in meat market bars with someone who he does not have a reason to think is a friend of your marriage.


These are nice, quiet evenings. Sometimes we go out for sushi or to a local mall, but we mostly talk about her divorce. He kids are going through a hard time with their father and she mostly vents on me about how hard it's been. She's supportive of me staying with my husband in order to avoid all of what she's been through. 

She did swing with her husband (not with us) around the time my husband and I were open. That's why they divorced. But there's no way she's dragging me to swing parties nor is she going to them. She never encouraged me to lie or cheat on my husband. She was there through a very difficult time and I leaned on her when it was all going down.


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## lifeistooshort

KillerClown said:


> Check out the 3 threads he started. You'll understand Spot a whole lot more. :grin2:


Fair enough, I will do that. 

Just strikes me that his posts are usually nasty and misogynistic. 

Lots of us have gone through stuff. My ex hb was abusive, yet I don't think most men are abusive and am happily remarried to one that isn't. 

Some people are simply too bitter to offer anything constructive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RideofmyLife

spotthedeaddog said:


> Don't you mean to say "you love your partner and want to look special for him"? not the other way around... that you reserving looking good for strangers and to get attention from people not your partner.


I try to look good going out with my friend AND with my husband, as we try to do frequent date nights.


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## RideofmyLife

So, Monday night he came home and the minute I saw he wasn't upset, I calmed down. We sat on the sofa later and we talked and it was a good talk. He assumed I'd be home at 10, and I explained that I had said 11pm. He hadn't heard me. He said he assumed I was having light-hearted talk with my friend and wouldn't be that long since I had to get up early. (I normally stay out until 11, 11:30.) His assumption about when I'd be home and the fact I woke him up were the two reasons for his anger.

I told him that I felt he was pretty harsh considering that I told him when I'd be back and I was only a few minutes late. Plus, I always let him know when I'm heading home and I texted him 10 minutes prior to leaving. I explained that my friend was pretty emotional and I felt it would be rude to pick up my phone and text him that I thought I'd be late. He apologized again and I told him that I appreciated it, but I was concerned about my reaction to his anger. That it felt really unhealthy and I think we need to go back to counseling. I said I felt almost like a part of an abusive relationship. 

We talked about this past vacation that we took. It was a reunion with my family. Evidently he was unhappy most of the trip, but didn't let on to me and I didn't pick up on it until he got nasty with a text he sent about 3/4 through the trip. He told me that with some hindsight and clarity he sees that he blamed me for how he was feeling and I didn't deserve that. I told him he needs to let me in on his feelings next time so that we can address the issue. He admitted he holds him feelings inside and doesn't know how to let them out in a healthy way. (He grew up without his mom, alcoholic dad that had PTSD stuff going on.)

I'm going to make sure that I am home when I plan to be home in the future and continue to let him know if I think I'll be late. I will continue to text before I head for home. We worked through it, thank God, but probably need to address this in marriage counseling. Our counselor isn't the best, I don't think. She does more talking than listening. We just dread having to explain everything all over again to someone new. Thanks for everyone's input.


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