# I think she is cheating...



## turok (Aug 10, 2011)

basically i have suspicions of my wife cheating on me.. i have covered and researched the basic and most popular signs of cheating and she shows all the signs...
now what do i do ? i know i have to find concrete evidence before the accusation but i dont feel a private investigator could help me here because the guy lives out of state and dont really have that kind of money..
is it ok for me to do the detective work ? I have access to her laptop and it will open up her email and get me to her facebook from there.. do i do this ? thanks...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do it. But be prepared for what you find. Be calm, know this isn't your fault and proceed with a level head.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Have you tried talking to her about the state of your marriage? I am guessing by 'most popular signs' she may seem distant, disconnected from you and that may be the place to start (open discussion on your relationship)...if you have already done that, what is her response? What signs are you seeing?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Sometimes people who accuse their spouse of cheating are insecure in their relationship, or have cheated themselves in the past. I imagine that those are not your circumstances, but what kind of evidence do you have to support that she is cheating? are they just suspicions? on what grounds?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

turok said:


> basically i have suspicions of my wife cheating on me.. i have covered and researched the basic and most popular signs of cheating and she shows all the signs...
> now what do i do ? i know i have to find concrete evidence before the accusation but i dont feel a private investigator could help me here because the guy lives out of state and dont really have that kind of money..
> is it ok for me to do the detective work ? I have access to her laptop and it will open up her email and get me to her facebook from there.. do i do this ? thanks...


Well, Dinosaur Hunter, you haven't really given much info here. What signs? What's the status of the relationship? How many years? Any kids? Do you have an idea on who the OM is? Do you think its a workplace affair? Do you think this is an EA or a full on PA? Does she work or is she a SAHM? All these factors and more come into play if you want to investigate before confrontation on DDay.

Sure we can give you suggestions on what to do, but need more info.


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## turok (Aug 10, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> Sometimes people who accuse their spouse of cheating are insecure in their relationship, or have cheated themselves in the past. I imagine that those are not your circumstances, but what kind of evidence do you have to support that she is cheating? are they just suspicions? on what grounds?


I have no evidence or grounds of cheating. I have suspicions atm as I had stated above.. I have looked online to see comon signs of infidelity and we begin with this first -

1.A new friend she talks too on the phone a lot . She wont keep her phone far away from her watches it like a hawk.
2.She tells me she wants space all of the sudden..
3.She wants to go on vacations without me .
4. She has lost 14lbs on the treadmill out of nowhere. The only time she has ever been on the treadmill to lose weight was when I first met her.(seems like she was losing weight then to attract me) It has sat for years in the corner covered in dust since we got together.
5. She acts odd and says a lot of things that dont add up ..Almost like white lies but more like leaving out pertinent parts of stories she tells me.
6.She kind of has stopped caring about what is going on in my life . And doesnt pay me much attention. distant
7. She says her heart just isnt in it anymore. But loves me and never would want to lose me..
8. My gut tells me something is going on.
...
all these signs came after a fight we had and she left town with a friend.. Since then she has been leaving town a lot. And I watch her and her friends facebook now and things look pretty fishy ..

She says she wants to get couples counseling and individual counselling but she is out of town now with another man I am guessing.. Not sure if the counseling thing is for real.. And if it is 
I want to know if she has cheated.


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## turok (Aug 10, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Well, Dinosaur Hunter, you haven't really given much info here. What signs? What's the status of the relationship? How many years? Any kids? Do you have an idea on who the OM is? Do you think its a workplace affair? Do you think this is an EA or a full on PA? Does she work or is she a SAHM? All these factors and more come into play if you want to investigate before confrontation on DDay.
> 
> Sure we can give you suggestions on what to do, but need more info.


Signs i listed above.
We arent seperated but we are on and off per say.
3 years
One kid but I am not the father.
I do have a good idea on who the OM is.
Not a workplace affair.
I beleive a exhisting affair or one about to happen.
She does work.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Those are the classic signs alright. The emotional and physical detachment, the sudden wanting to improve their physical appearance, guarding the cell phone, the new friend, the lies that don't add up, suddenly wanting space, wanting separate vacations without you, etc. Most of all your gut is screaming at you. Okay, it looks like you have reasonable suspicion to start investigating further. 

I'll just copy and past my standard advice. Are you in the US?

_First off, know that the affair is not your fault. Have you been the perfect husband? Of course not, no one is. What I see clearly is that you are blaming yourself for her affair. She had other options besides cheating, such as communicating with you on working out the marital problems, going to Marriage Counseling (MC), divorce, etc. Yet she chose the easy option: cheating. Most likely because the Other Man (OM) stroked her ego and provided the shoulder to cry on. Your wife is now a Wayward Wife (WW), so consider as such. She will give the common excuses: You weren’t there for her, OM provided for her needs because you couldn’t, etc.

The last thing you should do is to cry, beg, and/or plead with her. This not only makes you unattractive, it drives her away. Trying your best to be the best husband doesn’t work either, because you cannot compete with the fantasy she has built up with the OM.

Now you have to play detective in order to save your marriage, or to get the proof you need to end it. If you can afford it, hire a PI. If not, you will have to do this on your own. What you also need to find out is who exactly the OM is, his identity, if he’s married, and if he’s married, his Betrayed Wife’s (BW) contact information. You will need this info later on.

We Betrayed Spouses (BS) call this investigating. Others call it snooping. The cardinal rule about investigating is NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! This will prevent her from denying the A, which they almost always do at first until presented with proof of the A. This will also prevent her from gas lighting you. Gas lighting is a term used when the WW, when confronted, will say that you are just jealous, imagining things, and that you are just crazy. Gathering enough proof of the A, also prevents the Wayward Spouse (WS) her, from giving you the Trickle Truth (TT). TT is when the WS minimizes what they have done in the A, and will only admit to what they think you know. For example: Most will say they only kissed their Affair Partner (AP) once, when in fact they went much farther than that. If the A has gone to a PA, they usually only admit to doing it once & with a condom! 

If the WS is using a computer as part of the tools of the A, then you will need to install computer monitoring software, the basic ones are keyloggers. There are free ones, which basically only record keystrokes, to the more expensive ones that record keystrokes, capture screenshots of the computer, email you the results, etc. There are good ones like Spector Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc. There are also free ones, but you get what you pay for. Why do you need a keylogger? So you can be aware of their communications, such as how long this has been going on, what they have done, and what they are planning to do. Another key tool cheaters use is the secret email account. A keylogger will capture their usernames and passwords. 

Now you might feel guilty about investigating/verifying. Sorry, but their privacy went out the window the second they endangered the marriage by having an A. It is your right to investigate now, so don’t lose any sleep or feel guilty about it. If they try to turn it around on you (blame shift), tell them it’s your right because they are having an A. 

Another tool that cheaters use is the cell phone of course. Some carriers allow you to check online who the other person is calling and/or texting. If you don’t have access to this information, then use the keylogger to obtain it. If your WS has a smart phone, you may be able to install phone monitoring software such as Mobile Spy or Mobistealth. This will allow you to see their text messages. The more expensive versions of Mobile Spy and Mobistealth even allow you to listen in on their conversations in near real time, and use the GPS to track their location. If your WS suspects that you are on to them, they may purchase a secret cell phone. A clue that your WS has a secret cell phone is if they suddenly leave their regular cell phone lying about when before they were guarding it at all times. This brings me to the Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). 

A VAR can be purchased very cheap, usually around $40 or more, at either Walmart, Best Buy, or your local electronics store. A VAR can be very useful at determining if your WS has a secret cell phone. Also, a strategically placed VAR can be very useful if you are unable to install phone monitoring software on their cell phone. A good place to hide a VAR is in the WS vehicle. If there is one place they feel secure in talking with their AP, it’s in their vehicle. Some place it under the drivers seat with industrial strength Velcro. It’s up to you where you can place your VAR. You may want to hide one in your bedroom or the bathroom in order to record their conversations.

Once you have gathered your proof, it is time to confront your WW. This is called the Day of Discovery (DDay). This may well be the most traumatic day of your life. If you have gathered enough proof, your WW will not be able to deny, gas light, or TT you. Your WW will either go into crying fits, be angry, or both. She will try to blame you for the A, tell you she has been unhappy for months or years. Re-Writing the history of the marriage is a common tactic, they use it to justify the A to themselves. Stay strong and know this is not your fault! This is hers!

She will say that she does not know what she wants. This is called fence sitting. She wants the security of marriage, but wants to play around with her OM. Do not stand for this. It is either you or him. There is no room in a marriage for 3 partners. 

Another common occurrence is that the WS will leave the house when confronted on DDay. This is usually only for a few days or weeks. The WW will usually contact the OM about what happened. The WW usually comes home after a few days, but sometimes they don’t. DO NOT beg her to come home. Like I said earlier, this makes you look weak. 

Another common tactic that the WS does is to cry and plead that they want to fix the marriage after they have been caught, but then they take the A “underground”. This is when the WS has talked to the AP about ways to continue the A without your knowledge. This is usually when they resort to using a secret email account and a secret cell phone. If you have not revealed your sources, then you can usually find out if they have taken the A underground. 

If they wish to stay in the marriage, then you have to remain firm and demand No Contact (NC). They must end the affair and go NC. That is the ONLY way to save your marriage, by killing the affair. An A is exactly like a drug, because the WS receives a “high” from the affair. Feel good chemicals like dopamine and others, are excreted in the brain during the A. Giving them a high feeling, the feeling of being in love, etc. 

If your WS is very deep in the fog of the A, and refuses to go NC, or the OM/OW refuses to go NC, then the next step is exposing the A. This means contacting the other BS. This serves two purposes. This helps kill the affair by bringing it into the light of day, and you have another set of eyes watching the other side of the affair. You might even be able to compare notes with the BS and find out more information, or they may have information about the A that you didn’t know about. The other reason is because it’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you want someone to have told you what was going on?

Remember the monitoring I was telling you about? Monitoring the WW will allow you to know if she has broken NC. If the OM contacts her and she doesn’t tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. And if you ultimately decide to Reconcile (R), then monitoring will help rebuild trust. After you keep finding nothing, and she is doing her part in R, then you will find yourself monitoring less and less. Eventually you may be able to wean yourself off from monitoring her since she has rebuilt some trust._

Now with all that said, you've only been married to her for 3 years and the child is not yours. If you do find evidence of an affair, do you want to go through the hard process of R?


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## turok (Aug 10, 2011)

Wow great info there thx .. Something to think about for sure.. Yea I don't know what I want to do really .. I guess the easiest way is to quit huh ? I do love her and we have been through some tough times and she has agreed to therapy . Maybe she will open up and tell all in therapy .. Do they encourage couples to do that ?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

turok said:


> Wow great info there thx .. Something to think about for sure.. Yea I don't know what I want to do really .. I guess the easiest way is to quit huh ? I do love her and we have been through some tough times and she has agreed to therapy . Maybe she will open up and tell all in therapy .. Do they encourage couples to do that ?


I've read that MC is not helpful until the A is over and she is 100% committed to R. You have to kill the A first. I've never heard of WS's giving full disclosure in MC. What I have heard is that they will even lie to the MC.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> *I've read that MC is not helpful until the A is over and she is 100% committed to R. * You have to kill the A first. I've never heard of WS's giving full disclosure in MC. What I have heard is that they will even lie to the MC.


:iagree: 

MC has worked wonders for our marriage BUT if these two factors weren't present I feel it would have been pointless.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bs193 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> MC has worked wonders for our marriage BUT if these two factors weren't present I feel it would have been pointless.


Not only pointless but self serving for the unfaithful spouse. 

She can use the MC sessions as justification for her cheating behavior, especially with an incompetent one with very little to no experience dealing with infidelity.

Whether the affair has ended or not, it's always wise to shop around for a good MC.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bs193 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> MC has worked wonders for our marriage BUT if these two factors weren't present I feel it would have been pointless.


Exactly! Far too many newly betrayed pin all their hopes on MC, like its the magic pill that will solve all the marital problems and stop the WS's affair. MC is for the reconciliation phase.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How about sitting down and communicating---and I mean communicating----force it all up---and get it on the table

You don't need anything more than what you already have to talk about things

Bring up the phone issues---if she has nothing to hide----then she doesn't need to hide her phone

Why is she demonizing you, and putting down ther mge----make her talk about it

Make her talk about everything---that's what would happen at a MC---so do it yourself

If she refuses---then tell her fine this mge. is over, and I will file for D.---manana

You wanna know what will happen---the minute you actually mention D., and filing, she will wake up---reality will come poring back into her, believe me she doesn't wanna be on her own

She talks about leaving---I am willing to bet all her talk is nothing more than cover up, and bluff for whatever she has going on

COMMUNICATE


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The only thing I'd add is that when you confront her and if she is in fact is having an affair (which I agree it sounds probable), don't expect the affair to instantly end. Affairs are very very hard to quit/kill. Think along the lines of getting an addict off of drugs. It's a hard, ugly, grueling process. She's likely to tell you all kinds of bad things about you, the marriage and anything else she can think of to justify an affair. Just saying be prepared that if you confront her - even in the face of insurmountable proof - that she will likely not just roll over and end the affair. It's a lot harder than that and only after the affair is dead can reconciliation begin.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You say she has been spending hours on the phone to a particular number. Do you know who's number it is? I would begin with a search on that to see if you can determine who she is talking to...that in itself is suspect in addition to leaving town a lot if she has not done that before...where is she going and with who?


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

I would get some hard evidence. I was impatient and confronted my wife before I had indisputable evidence. My love for her lead me to believe her lies and the affair continued for another month, she of course was more careful that last month. I got the truth from the OM. 
Sorry you are here, but there is good advice and support on this site.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

turok said:


> Signs i listed above.
> We arent seperated but we are on and off per say.
> 3 years
> One kid but I am not the father.
> ...



You need to text her and tell her you have changed the locks and sent her clothes to the other man's house. Also wish her the best of luck. When she texts or calls back ignore it. If she doesn't come running home you have your answer.

The next time she leaves tell her you will be putting all her things on the front porch. Man up.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turok said:


> I have no evidence or grounds of cheating. I have suspicions atm as I had stated above.. I have looked online to see comon signs of infidelity and we begin with this first -
> 
> 1.A new friend she talks too on the phone a lot . She wont keep her phone far away from her watches it like a hawk.
> 2.She tells me she wants space all of the sudden..
> ...


This is absolutely classic affair behavior. What friend did she leave with? A man!? What was the fight about? She has been leaving town a lot!? Without you? Why?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You mentioned a PI, if you know where she is going then hire one in that state. Contact one and they will give you your options. I would think the only thing they need is a picture and her travel plans. Some will even help "fix" her computor if need be.


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