# I’m in a pickle



## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


He gets his sick fetishes from porn. You'll never be able to satisfy him because a porn addict cannot be satisfied. He does not want to do these things with you to grow closer and connect, he wants to use you to act out what he watches on the screen. It's all about him getting off and using your body as his personal masturbatoty aid. This has nothing to do with you and your value, it hs everything to do with his addiction training his brain to seek out dopamine hits. You are enough. You are worthy, far more worthy than allowing yourself to be used as his c*m dumpster.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Maybe he is the one who wants to be bandaged up like a mummy and hang from the ceiling. If it's you he wants to do that, I think it's crossing into sadism.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


Maybe it’s due to the pandemic, but everyone we know is also suddenly into bat role play & hanging upside down. There’s not much else to do...
Whatever you do, make sure you have a safe word (ours is batshit crazy) as it’s too easy to get injured (gravity’nstuff)


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

AndStilliRise said:


> He gets his sick fetishes from porn. You'll never be able to satisfy him because a porn addict cannot be satisfied. He does not want to do these things with you to grow closer and connect, he wants to use you to act out what he watches on the screen. It's all about him getting off and using your body as his personal masturbatoty aid. This has nothing to do with you and your value, it hs everything to do with his addiction training his brain to seek out dopamine hits. You are enough. You are worthy, far more worthy than allowing yourself to be used as his c*m dumpster.


How do you know he’s using me? He knows he won’t do it with me and he says it’s a interest he’s into but respects my boundaries.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe he is the one who wants to be bandaged up like a mummy and hang from the ceiling. If it's you he wants to do that, I think it's crossing into sadism.


He wan to do it to me. Is it bad if he’s into sadism?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Laevans7 said:


> I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


As one who is in the BDSM community, I first want to give your husband credit for respecting your boundaries. 

With that said, most BDSM plays can be done without any actual sex. Many can be done without any "sexual" contact (e.g. touching breast even covered, etc). So it is possible that he can get his satisfaction in various links without having sex with anyone but else. The question is then what are both you and he comfortable with.

I can help you to a point in figuring some of this out. You can PM on that aspect of you wish. However, you might be better served in connecting with the local kink community. Plenty of monogamous couples are active in the community, so it's not like you'll be asked to play with others. From there, you can talk with others and they can help you figure out where you two stand and what might help you both to be satisfied. You might even discover plays that you didn't know existed that you both like.

I know plenty of people who do kink plays with people other than their SO and then go back to that SO for great sex. It's a situation that works for them. This is just one option. 

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe he is the one who wants to be bandaged up like a mummy and hang from the ceiling. If it's you he wants to do that, I think it's crossing into sadism.


Sadism is the deriving of sexual pleasure from the pain of others. Mummification and suspension does not do that in and of itself. They do not fall even remotely under the sadism aspect.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Laevans7 said:


> He wan to do it to me. Is it bad if he’s into sadism?


It's only bad if he is doing it or wants to do it to unwilling victims. If it's only with willing partners, then that's not a problem. As noted the plays you mentioned do not fall under the sadism category, although they can certainly be used in conjunction with various sadism plays. Are these his only kinks or just the ones that trigger issues like your claustrophobia?

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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> As one who is in the BDSM community, I first want to give your husband credit for respecting your boundaries.
> 
> With that said, most BDSM plays can be done without any actual sex. Many can be done without any "sexual" contact (e.g. touching breast even covered, etc). So it is possible that he can get his satisfaction in various links without having sex with anyone but else. The question is then what are both you and he comfortable with.
> 
> ...


Thank you, but with me being claustrophobic and having no desire to be restrained. I am not sure how joining a kink community would help since I’m only comfortable with my hands tied and that’s if they are in front of me and I’m easily able to pull my hand out.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> It's only bad if he is doing it or wants to do it to unwilling victims. If it's only with willing partners, then that's not a problem. As noted the plays you mentioned do not fall under the sadism category, although they can certainly be used in conjunction with various sadism plays. Are these his only kinks or just the ones that trigger issues like your claustrophobia?
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


I can’t be in elevators, airplanes or small rooms. In a car I have to drive since I can’t be in any other seat knowing I’m in a small space


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AndStilliRise said:


> He gets his sick fetishes from porn. You'll never be able to satisfy him because a porn addict cannot be satisfied. He does not want to do these things with you to grow closer and connect, he wants to use you to act out what he watches on the screen. It's all about him getting off and using your body as his personal masturbatoty aid. This has nothing to do with you and your value, it hs everything to do with his addiction training his brain to seek out dopamine hits. You are enough. You are worthy, far more worthy than allowing yourself to be used as his c*m dumpster.


That’s a bit harsh and it’s also a big leap to jump right in to porn addiction. She didn’t say a word about porn. 

BDSM is a kink or fetish. Everyone has some kind of quirk that others may kind of roll their eyes or shake their head. 

There is nothing here implying that he is abusive or demanding or mean or anything. The guy has a kink that she’s not really into and she’s looking for a way to meet in the middle and address it.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Laevans7 said:


> Thank you, but with me being claustrophobic and having no desire to be restrained. I am not sure how joining a kink community would help since I’m only comfortable with my hands tied and that’s if they are in front of me and I’m easily able to pull my hand out.


There's a few reasons that it might be helpful. One it can help the two of you find compatible plays that you would both enjoy. BDSM is not limited to binding. Secondly, if you and your husband can manage as much, it's possible that he can find someone to do the kink plays with, even without sex, thus allowing him to fulfill those desires without you getting tiggered.

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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


You have boundaries. Keep them. Your H needs to respect your boundaries. End of story.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

maquiscat said:


> Sadism is the deriving of sexual pleasure from the pain of others. Mummification and suspension does not do that in and of itself. They do not fall even remotely under the sadism aspect.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


If she's claustrophobic and he swaddles her up, he is the one deriving sexual pleasure from her discomfort. Yeah, that's sadism in my book.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nailhead said:


> You have boundaries. Keep them. Your H needs to respect your boundaries. End of story.


he is respecting her boundaries. She is looking for a way to meet in the middle. nothing wrong with it . Maybe she will find it, maybe not, but at least she is trying.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Would rope art like shibari be a middle ground? 
You don't have to be restrained just tied in a pretty way instead.
Almost like rope under wear sometimes, but you can still be free.

It might not appeal enough to your husband's kink, but it's still fun anyway, for some people.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> If she's claustrophobic and he swaddles her up, he is the one deriving sexual pleasure from her discomfort. Yeah, that's sadism in my book.


But she hasn't said anything about any of his pleasure coming from her discomfort. For all we know he may not want her to experience any discomfort at all. From what she has said thus far, it sounds like he does NOT want her experiencing any distress or discomfort. 

Bondage and sadism do not always go hand in hand. 

Some people that are in to bondage are also in to pain. Others are not. 

From what she has said thus far, I am getting the impression that he is the one shelving this idea because it is outside of her comfort zone and SHE is the one looking for ways to move this forward.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> he is respecting her boundaries. She is looking for a way to meet in the middle. nothing wrong with it . Maybe she will find it, maybe not, but at least she is trying.


And good on him! I don't see a middle ground for this...um...request.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nailhead said:


> And good on him! I don't see a middle ground for this...um...request.


yes, it will be hard considering that she is claustrophobic.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> You have boundaries. Keep them. Your H needs to respect your boundaries. End of story.


I am and he is. I was saying how I love and care for him and want him to be happy so I was trying to find ways to do so that’s all


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Laevans7 said:


> I am and he is. I was saying how I love and care for him and want him to be happy so I was trying to find ways to do so that’s all


There are some things that are just way too far over from what is acceptable for most of us. People have actually died from doing things similar that have gone wrong. I am wondering where he gets his ideas from? Porn? If so then it would be best if he stops looking because as may have happened in his case it seems that watching pretty middle of the road porn can lead to all sorts of other things.The more he feeds his fantasies the more they will grow. I cant see how the things he likes would be in anyway loving or respectful towards you, even if you were sort of ok with it. To be honest the fact that he mentioned it may mean he is still wanting you to take part otherwise why bother.
In life we do need to have boundaries and there is NOTHING wrong with saying no to something that you KNOW just isnt right for you or the marriage, OR him come to that. Not all fantasies are good ones that result in respectful loving sex.
Sorry but desiring a woman to be completely bound, mummified and hung from the ceiling upside down is just horrible, as well as being very dangerous, and more something that a deranged sadistic serial killer would do and the stuff of nightmares. I just dont get why you feel guilty for saying no to that, you SHOULD say no to that. Its good that at least one of you has some boundaries.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> But she hasn't said anything about any of his pleasure coming from her discomfort. *For all we know he may not want her to experience any discomfort at all. * From what she has said thus far, it sounds like he does NOT want her experiencing any distress or discomfort.
> 
> Bondage and sadism do not always go hand in hand.
> 
> ...


Maybe he doesn't. That would not negate the fact that a claustrophobic person would feel discomfort if swaddled up and/or hung from the ceiling. Since he already knows she is claustrophobic, why did he even mention it to her? Don't bother answering. Cause you will spin it that he would be doing it for her benefit - kinda like getting a person over their fear of snakes by throwing them into a snake pit or some other horseshit.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> If she's claustrophobic and he swaddles her up, he is the one deriving sexual pleasure from her discomfort. Yeah, that's sadism in my book.


You seem to have missed quite a bit of her post. He's not doing that to her, out of respect for her boundaries, per her own words. The play itself isn't a sadistic one, and the fact that he's not violating her limits, indicates that he is not seeking sadistic ends in his desire for this play. From what the OP has said, he would much rather have a willing partner for the play.

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m also claustrophobic and the thought of that makes me freak out so, no, I don’t believe that kink is for you. Find something else to do.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

EveningThoughts said:


> Would rope art like shibari be a middle ground?
> You don't have to be restrained just tied in a pretty way instead.
> Almost like rope under wear sometimes, but you can still be free.
> 
> It might not appeal enough to your husband's kink, but it's still fun anyway, for some people.


It's a possibility, but much would depend upon the extent of her claustrophobia. Some people are so bad that they can't take tight fitting clothes.

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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe he doesn't. That would not negate the fact that a claustrophobic person would feel discomfort if swaddled up and/or hung from the ceiling. Since he already knows she is claustrophobic, why did he even mention it to her? Don't bother answering. Cause you will spin it that he would be doing it for her benefit - kinda like getting a person over their fear of snakes by throwing them into a snake pit or some other horseshit.


there is really nothing wrong with asking. Let;s not turn the guy into a monster, it seems like they have a good marriage. I would not connect that this might be a problem for claustrophobic person. Now I know.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe he doesn't. That would not negate the fact that a claustrophobic person would feel discomfort if swaddled up and/or hung from the ceiling. Since he already knows she is claustrophobic, why did he even mention it to her? Don't bother answering. Cause you will spin it that he would be doing it for her benefit - kinda like getting a person over their fear of snakes by throwing them into a snake pit or some other horseshit.


This isn't really all that different from people saying that a person just has to deal without sex in their lives if they are otherwise happy in their marriage. First off, knowing your spouse's desires and wants is never a bad thing. It's not been expressly said whether he just spring it on her, or was mentioned due to her inquiries of his desires. You are just using your bias to assume the worst of the husband, beyond the OP's words.

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

maquiscat said:


> You seem to have missed quite a bit of her post. He's not doing that to her, out of respect for her boundaries, per her own words. The play itself isn't a sadistic one, and the fact that he's not violating her limits, indicates that he is not seeking sadistic ends in his desire for this play. From what the OP has said, he would much rather have a willing partner for the play.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


I didn't miss any of her post. I get that he isn't pushing this on her. 

I really don't get why you think just because I don't agree with you that I must not have read the entire post. Condescending much? You wanting to be seen as the king of kink on here doesn't bother me in the least. You can mummify and hang from the rafters your husband and both of your wives and it is no sweat off my brow.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

If you think it’s sick and weird you get to decide that, no one else, especially here. If you think it’s sick and weird no need to be sophisticated about it. It's your decision. It's your body. Your husband is asking you to do something that causes extreme discomfort and terror for you. This is an unloving act.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> I am and he is. I was saying how I love and care for him and want him to be happy so I was trying to find ways to do so that’s all


I understand and I'm glad your H is respecting your boundaries.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> I didn't miss any of her post. I get that he isn't pushing this on her.
> 
> I really don't get why you think just because I don't agree with you that I must not have read the entire post. Condescending much? You wanting to be seen as the king of kink on here doesn't bother me in the least. You can mummify and hang from the rafters your husband and both of your wives and it is no sweat off my brow.


Your posts have been about him being sadistic for wanting this, and even the non kink people have called you out on it. I could really care less if you agree with me or not on possible solutions for this couple. Opinions vary. But when others beside myself, including the OP, point out that you are incorrectly attributing sadism to the situation, then obviously any intent to the contrary on your part failed.

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> You seem to have missed quite a bit of her post. He's not doing that to her, out of respect for her boundaries, per her own words. The play itself isn't a sadistic one, and the fact that he's not violating her limits, indicates that he is not seeking sadistic ends in his desire for this play. From what the OP has said, he would much rather have a willing partner for the play.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


He didnt need to mention it at all, knowing that she cant do it. What he wants IS actualy pretty sadistic, the sort of thing that a torturer would do to cause extreme distress.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe he doesn't. That would not negate the fact that a claustrophobic person would feel discomfort if swaddled up and/or hung from the ceiling. Since he already knows she is claustrophobic, why did he even mention it to her? Don't bother answering. Cause you will spin it that he would be doing it for her benefit - kinda like getting a person over their fear of snakes by throwing them into a snake pit or some other horseshit.


To be honest I think that many who arent claustrophobic would feel very panicked at having that done to them. Not being able to move or see and not hear much, and hung upside down?? The blood fast running to their head??? Just so someone can get their weird kicks from seeing their partner completely helpless and under their control and power? How is that in ANYway loving or respectful? 
I would feel very concerned if a man I was with even wanted to do that let alone mentioned it to me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Laevans7 said:


> I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


First off to direct this generally, if no one is getting hurt I really hate when people shame people for what they are into. You don't have to be into it, but how does it hurt anyone if he is into stuff that seems weird to anyone. Get over yourself. Sex should be like Music, many different style, played soft and loud to fit the mood.

There is another thread where the wife is desperate for the husband to give her an idea of what he is into to help their sex-life. How great it is that your husband loves and TRUSTS you enough to tell you. That's really great for both of you. Also good on you for being willing to try. This is the bases for a great sex-life.

So a couple of things, do you have to start with hanging from the ceiling, like isn't there some happy medium? Besides that why do you have to be into it? Can't you just try to enjoy his enjoyment from it? OK I get you are claustrophobic but I bet there is a solution for that that someone has made up, like something that gives the impression of restriction but isn't really, like a quick release or something? If you can find that maybe you can surprise him with this every once in a while. 

In general I really want to deal with this question of having to be into it. I don't understand this, now I get it if this is all your spouse wants but every once in a while I think both people in the marriage should just have times when they are giving and not expecting much. Trying to enjoy their partner getting off.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> He didnt need to mention it at all, knowing that she cant do it. What he wants IS actualy pretty sadistic, the sort of thing that a torturer would do to cause extreme distress.


The husband isn't the one here trying to figure out out how to get this to work or something else. Neither is the OP here at the husband's behest. We struggle daily within the BDSM community to ensure that boundaries are respected and never intentionally violated. This man exemplifies the kind of trust that is needed to safely engage in such plays. He isn't begging her at every turn to do this play. SHE is the one looking for some way to make it work for both of them. She has made it clear that he is being loving and honorable in all this. I really don't get this need to instantly berate the husband, especially against the word of the OP. Why don't you just outright claim her to be suffering from Stockholm? Because that is effectively the stance being given when you claim that the husband is acting other than what the OP claims.

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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Laevans7 said:


> He wan to do it to me. Is it bad if he’s into sadism?


If you are not, yes.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

what about verbally fantasizing about it together, and not actually doing it. Sometimes it is more about what is going on in the mind than what is actually physically happening.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe I'm crazy but "respecting boundaries" doesn’t represent real caring to me. It only means that he'd go along with it if she said ok even if he knew full well she was uncomfortable.

There's no way i could derive pleasure from anything if I knew my partner didn't really want it.

There is an element of sadism in a person that simply "respects boundaries" as opposed to outright rejecting that which they know if going to make their partner really uncomfortable unless there's a damn good reason said act has to be done.

That part bothers me about people like this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe I'm crazy but "respecting boundaries" doesn’t represent real caring to me. It only means that he'd go along with it if she said ok even if he knew full well she was uncomfortable.
> 
> There's no way i could derive pleasure from anything if I knew my partner didn't really want it.
> 
> ...


I agree, and I suspect that many couples who do certain things such as this have one who wants it and one who is pressured/forced/cajoled/maniputated. Where are HIS boundaries to stop feeding his skewed desires?To concente on his wife and her needs and wants? To love cherish and respect her, not to want to her to act out horriific scenes that he has no doubt seen in porn and that he is allowing to damage and skew his mind?.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@sokillme this is a quote from one of your responses, and is the greatest: 

Sex should be like Music, many different style, played soft and loud to fit the mood.

Well said.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> First off to direct this generally, if no one is getting hurt I really hate when people shame people for what they are into. You don't have to be into it, but how does it hurt anyone if he is into stuff that seems weird to anyone. Get over yourself. Sex should be like Music, many different style, played soft and loud to fit the mood.
> 
> There is another thread where the wife is desperate for the husband to give her an idea of what he is into to help their sex-life. How great it is that your husband loves and TRUSTS you enough to tell you. That's really great for both of you. Also good on you for being willing to try. This is the bases for a great sex-life.
> 
> ...


So basically you think that a spouse should go along with whatever their spouse wants no matter how weird, skewed, damaged, scary or dangerous it is? Where do you draw the line? Isnt the onus on the one who wants it not to feed such fantasies with porn etc which make them want this? To love and respect their spouse? Not to want them trussed up like a peice of meat hanging on a meat hook?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @sokillme this is a quote from one of your responses, and is the greatest:
> 
> Sex should be like Music, many different style, played soft and loud to fit the mood.
> 
> Well said.


This isnt healthy sex or love making.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> This isnt healthy sex or love making.


My comment is for skm's excerpt I quoted. 

That's a great way to describe sex in general. 

Each to their own.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I agree, and I suspect that many couples who do certain things such as this have one who wants it and one who is pressured/forced/cajoled/maniputated. Where are HIS boundaries to stop feeding his skewed desires?To concente on his wife and her needs and wants? To love cherish and respect her, not to want to her to act out horriific scenes that he has no doubt seen in porn and that he is allowing to damage and skew his mind?.


Many couples who do ‘certain things’ end up enjoying doing them as it brings them closer together.

Sometimes it is difficult (and even completely off putting) for a woman to voice her sexual preferences to her husband. Sometimes she may not even be entirely sure what her sexual kinks exactly are..but she might be curious and trusting that her partner would never cause her any harm, letting him take the lead role and taking her on a journey...

Think of it as a Prince Charming arriving on a horse, sweeping you off your feet with a gentle kiss and you ‘surrendering’ yourself completely to him, letting him lead the way. He then puts you into a bag and hangs you upside down from the ceiling..And so they lived happily ever after. (Better than the Blue Beard stories I was read to as a child anyway).

As long as it is consensual and you know that you can always put a stop to it (hence the safe word), what if being pretend-scared could be fun? 
Why does it matter what two, slightly bored consensual adults do behind closed doors/bags anyway? I sure am glad there isn’t only one way to enjoy each other’s company.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I just want to say in the nicest way that I really like the title of this thread.
For anyone doubting the claustrophobia issue, I'll toss in a personal experience.
My wife used to get panicked if I put a blanket over MY face. It took her years to get past this. (I grew up camping and often sleep undercover)


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> I just want to say in the nicest way that I really like the title of this thread.
> For anyone doubting the claustrophobia issue, I'll toss in a personal experience.
> My wife used to get panicked if I put a blanket over MY face. It took her years to get past this. (I grew up camping and often sleep undercover)


I'm not claustrophobic but I can't stand this either. It has always been an issue for me. These damn masks are killing me.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Laevans7 said:


> I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


Yikes. This is weird as hell. He needs help. Do not. I repeat. Do not subject yourself to this crap. Run!


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe I'm crazy but "respecting boundaries" doesn’t represent real caring to me. It only means that he'd go along with it if she said ok even if he knew full well she was uncomfortable.
> 
> *There's no way i could derive pleasure from anything if I knew my partner didn't really want it.*
> 
> ...


Have you ever done some activity with your spouse that you didn't enjoy, but did it for their sake? Not an activity that you hated, just simply didn't enjoy it. Such as shopping for clothes, or riding roller coasters, or attending a flower show? You do them because your spouse enjoys them and maybe you get pleasure out of their enjoyment, but not the activity itself. In some cases, you might do it for those reasons even if you hate it.

I am afraid of really high roller coasters or ones with loops. Yet I have gone on them because that is what my daughters wanted to do with their dad. Because they loved them. According to you, my daughters didn't really care about me because they went along with my riding the coaster with them even though they knew how much I fear them.

The principle is the same here. Even if I didn't ride the coaster with my daughter, there is nothing wrong with them expressing their desire to ride them. Nor is there a problem with the husband here.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I agree, and I suspect that many couples who do certain things such as this have one who wants it and one who is pressured/forced/cajoled/maniputated. Where are HIS boundaries to stop feeding his skewed desires?To concente on his wife and her needs and wants? To love cherish and respect her, not to want to her to act out horriific scenes that he has no doubt seen in porn and that he is allowing to damage and skew his mind?.


And there is it again, that automatic "it must be porn" knee jerk response. I can easily point out dozens of sites that provide educational content on many plays without ever delving once into porn. You don't have to like any kind of kink, and no one is asking you too. But this response is really no different than judging all Christianity by the standards of WBC.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> So basically you think that a spouse should go along with whatever their spouse wants no matter how weird, skewed, damaged, scary or dangerous it is? Where do you draw the line? Isnt the onus on the one who wants it not to feed such fantasies with porn etc which make them want this? To love and respect their spouse? Not to want them trussed up like a peice of meat hanging on a meat hook?


That is not at all what @sokillme said. They pointed out that this woman is actually seeking a way give her husband what he desires without triggering herself. The OP isn't in the situation that you described above.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

maquiscat said:


> Have you ever done some activity with your spouse that you didn't enjoy, but did it for their sake? Not an activity that you hated, just simply didn't enjoy it. Such as shopping for clothes, or riding roller coasters, or attending a flower show? You do them because your spouse enjoys them and maybe you get pleasure out of their enjoyment, but not the activity itself. In some cases, you might do it for those reasons even if you hate it.
> 
> I am afraid of really high roller coasters or ones with loops. Yet I have gone on them because that is what my daughters wanted to do with their dad. Because they loved them. According to you, my daughters didn't really care about me because they went along with my riding the coaster with them even though they knew how much I fear them.
> 
> The principle is the same here. Even if I didn't ride the coaster with my daughter, there is nothing wrong with them expressing their desire to ride them. Nor is there a problem with the husband here.


Of course we all do, but IMO that is a false equivalency. Sexual acts are intimate in a way nothing else is, so while I appreciate it if my guy goes to a show he doesn't care about with me in the same way he appreciates it when I watch his football team and ask him all about the players and history (though in fairness I don't mind watching a football game, I just don't care on the level he does) i just don't see it as the same thing.

For me I just have no interest in sex acts he doesn't want....there's no intimacy in that for me. Mutually enjoyable sex is bonding for me. I would certainly be happy to do things I could take or leave for my partner but for him to push sex acts he knows I don't like would cause me to feel unsafe, and that's bad for intimacy.

But to each his own....if you're both happy with your sex life carry on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Laevans7 said:


> He wan to do it to me. Is it bad if he’s into sadism?


What do you get out of any of it? If your answer is nothing much then it is unfair for him to expect this. A relationship should for the most part be MUTUALLY satisfying, not about you helping him get off doing something you don't enjoy or want. No loving partner does this to another, it is simple.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe I'm crazy but "respecting boundaries" doesn’t represent real caring to me. It only means that he'd go along with it if she said ok even if he knew full well she was uncomfortable.
> 
> There's no way i could derive pleasure from anything if I knew my partner didn't really want it.
> 
> ...


👆 👆 👆 THIS!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Imperfections said:


> Think of it as a Prince Charming arriving on a horse, sweeping you off your feet with a gentle kiss and you ‘surrendering’ yourself completely to him, letting him lead the way. He then puts you into a bag and hangs you upside down from the ceiling..And so they lived happily ever after. (Better than the Blue Beard stories I was read to as a child anyway).


LMAO!!!!!


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

aine said:


> What do you get out of any of it? If your answer is nothing much then it is unfair for him to expect this. A relationship should for the most part be MUTUALLY satisfying, not about you helping him get off doing something you don't enjoy or want. No loving partner does this to another, it is simple.


How would she know what she would get out of it if she never tried it?

This is another thing I don’t understand: how can one be convinced beforehand that they would hate something before trying it once or even a few times.

Also what’s the worst thing that can happen trying something in bed that isn’t going to become ‘standard repertoire’.
It happened so many times that we tried things she said she would not like and then eventually completely change her mind (and conveniently forgetting she thought she wouldn’t like them..)

Once we did something and she even cried afterwards (I’m not sure why; it wasn’t anything painful. Maybe it was embarrassment). Now a week won’t go by when we don’t do it and she is the one asking for it (and calls it herself ‘liberating experience’). However that very uncomfortable memory of her crying stuck with me and I can’t get it out of my head.

One thing is certain: if there is ever something I feel she genuinely does not like, I almost immediately develop a physical or mental aversion to it. Maybe it is similar to what some guys experience who feel that their wife doesn’t enjoy the sex: eventually they probably also develop an aversion to it, or turn to porn.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I would certainly be happy to do things I could take or leave for my partner but *for him to push sex acts he knows I don't like* would cause me to feel unsafe,


I think this is the crux of the issue here. By the OP, he is _not _pushing for this act. She is _aware _of his desire to do it, and she is aware that her phobia would prohibit it. She in turn is seeking some advice on what else can she do so that she can provide him something he wants or some kind of middle ground. But for some reason, some people here are automatically assuming that he is pushing the sex act with her despite no indication from her that such is the case.

I fully agree that if he was constantly pushing the act and she was asking how she could get him to stop asking, then he _would _be in the wrong, and things need to change. But that is not the case, despite people wanting to make it the case.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Imperfections said:


> How would she know what she would get out of it if she never tried it?
> 
> This is another thing I don’t understand: how can one be convinced beforehand that they would hate something before trying it once or even a few times.
> 
> ...


In this case, I think it is a logical conclusion that if just having her hands loosely bound in front of her is only this side of not triggering her phobia, then mummification is likely to. I can agree with you that in most cases, trying something once isn't harmful and can lead to new discoveries of enjoyable activities. This is especially true if the exploring partners honor the immediate backing out if one or the other become uncomfortable. And if a phobia, previously unknown, were discovered in this exploration, it's understandable to be exploring in that direction, since they didn't know. But the OP _does _have a known full blown phobia and presumably has a good idea what triggers it. If this was, say, hot wax play, then the excuse of claustrophobia would be suspect. But predicting that mummification would trigger her claustrophobia is pretty spot on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> How do you know he’s using me? He knows he won’t do it with me and he says it’s a interest he’s into but respects my boundaries.


I think what she means if I can interpret it a little and correct me if I'm wrong, is that it's just physical and not about his love for you. Like another poster said, this is where porn got him, and it's largely masturbatory. So you shouldn't get all guilty feeling about it. I don't know anyone who would go along with his request except a paid hooker and not too many of them. And besides, there are a lot of fantasies that don't play well in real life.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

sokillme said:


> First off to direct this generally, *if no one is getting hurt I really hate when people shame people for what they are into*. You don't have to be into it, but how does it hurt anyone if he is into stuff that seems weird to anyone. Get over yourself. Sex should be like Music, many different style, played soft and loud to fit the mood.
> 
> There is another thread where the wife is desperate for the husband to give her an idea of what he is into to help their sex-life. How great it is that your husband loves and TRUSTS you enough to tell you. That's really great for both of you. Also good on you for being willing to try. This is the bases for a great sex-life.


Oh, THANK YOU so much for posting this!!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude doesn't need help, he is not a rapist or a sadomasochist, he has a fetish. Most people do, some are more extreme then others. He told his wife this in the safety of their marriage which is a WONDERFUL thing. It means he trusts her with even the parts of himself that a weird to most people (and from the reaction he was not wrong). She should be thrilled he trust her enough to do that, that he feels the have built a relationship where they can talk about this stuff, he is not sneaking some porn and being ashamed of himself. He also has never disrespected her boundaries as far as OP has said. He is also not using her more then any spouse uses the other when they want to have sex.

All and all he sounds like a decent guy.

OP if you can find a way to help him enjoy this without having to deal with your claustrophobia then go for it. Try to enjoy it through his eyes, he wants to experience pleasure and you are the conduit for that. YOU GIVE HIM PLEASURE.

Also I suggest you take some risk and open up and tell him about what you are into, if you haven't, sounds like he will be open and willing to see it through your eyes. I bet he will enjoy that just as much.

And don't let this upset you, use this as a dialog to grow your marriage and your sex-life. This can be the beginning, you can do other stuff the maybe neither one of you even knows you are into. It's OK to say "this is a bridge to far for me but I am willing to try this" or "I can't do this but I really appreciate that you want to build our relationship and lets see if we can find fun things we can do". Don't feel guilty about that. That is how it works.

People really need to get to the point that something uncomfortable doesn't cause them to automatically assume it's nefarious.

Nope it's just uncomfortable.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So basically you think that a spouse should go along with whatever their spouse wants no matter how weird, skewed, damaged, scary or dangerous it is? Where do you draw the line? Isnt the onus on the one who wants it not to feed such fantasies with porn etc which make them want this? To love and respect their spouse? Not to want them trussed up like a peice of meat hanging on a meat hook?


Sigh....

Yeah that is what I was advocating for exactly. /s

First of all, it's not my thing but what exactly is damaging about it. I will admit the hanging upside down stuff sounds cool and in the right circumstances I would be all for trying but I digress. If she didn't have claustrophobia it's not much different in my mind as dressing up really. Especially if there is some system where she is not really bound but just looks that way, (it took me all of 10 seconds to look up quick release panic snaps for bondage). What if he wanted to dress up as Cat Women and Bat Man, who cares. This is really no different. The only real difference is her condition, which SHE was asking for help with.

I draw the line where someone really gets hurt or the participation isn't willing and that is it.

OP quite plainly states she want to fulfill his fantasies but can't because of her claustrophobia and was asking for help. What she got was a bunch of people telling her husband was a selfish monster. I personally don't think you can have a really strong intimate relationship if you can't be honest with your spouse even about your weirdness's. I mean if you want to have a marriage where can only act in a way as to never make them uncomfortable then so be it. Seems kind of phony to me though. Like acting like you always having company over your house. I would rather be myself. Like I wrote in another post - My philosophy in love is - this is who I am, now will you love me. That is what the best marriages are built on in my mind.

Diana, not everything you are uncomfortable with is a sin.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Have you ever done some activity with your spouse that you didn't enjoy, but did it for their sake? Not an activity that you hated, just simply didn't enjoy it. Such as shopping for clothes, or riding roller coasters, or attending a flower show? You do them because your spouse enjoys them and maybe you get pleasure out of their enjoyment, but not the activity itself. In some cases, you might do it for those reasons even if you hate it.
> 
> I am afraid of really high roller coasters or ones with loops. Yet I have gone on them because that is what my daughters wanted to do with their dad. Because they loved them. According to you, my daughters didn't really care about me because they went along with my riding the coaster with them even though they knew how much I fear them.
> 
> The principle is the same here. Even if I didn't ride the coaster with my daughter, there is nothing wrong with them expressing their desire to ride them. Nor is there a problem with the husband here.


This is good advice but why do we even have to assume that it's going to be scary. I am willing to bet with some research there is some middle ground.

I just googled - quick release panic snaps for bondage - Took me all of 10 second. I bet there are a bunch of other stuff like this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

aine said:


> What do you get out of any of it? If your answer is nothing much then it is unfair for him to expect this. A relationship should for the most part be MUTUALLY satisfying, not about you helping him get off doing something you don't enjoy or want. No loving partner does this to another, it is simple.


UM really??

What do you get out of giving oral sex besides seeing the pleasure it gives yours spouse. How about bringing home flowers? Lots of men are not into them, might even make them sneeze, but they bring them all the same. How about doing something for them around the house, like going out and cleaning your spouses car (I've done that). I mean taken to the extrema no marriage would work. It's presumed that what she gets is giving him pleasure which is exactly how sex is supposed to work, it's supposed to be about giving to your spouse not not worrying if it's equatable. This would be a different story if he was a selfish lover but OP didn't say that.

I suspect most marriage would end if one spouse only did things they expected to get something out of.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Not to want them trussed up like a peice of meat hanging on a meat hook?


That's some imagery. Once watched a movie with giant spiders who would capture humans, spin a cocoon around them and hang them on hooks for snacking on later. They were kind, though - they didn't hang them upside down.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

sokillme said:


> This is good advice but why do we even have to assume that it's going to be scary. I am willing to bet with some research there is some middle ground.
> 
> I just googled - quick release panic snaps for bondage - Took me all of 10 second. I bet there are a bunch of other stuff like this.


The problem here is the fetish in question is mummification, which is almost certain to trigger her phobia. Your suggestions is great for general bondage, especially when coupled with cuffs and tie down points. I'm willing to bet the similar to the loose hands tied together in front of her, wrists in cuffs and quick snaps spread to the two bedpost would be about the same, she is seeking help with the more involved bondage aspects.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Dude doesn't need help, he is not a rapist or a sadomasochist, he has a fetish. Most people do, some are more extreme then others. He told his wife this in the safety of their marriage which is a WONDERFUL thing. It means he trusts her with even the parts of himself that a weird to most people (and from the reaction he was not wrong). She should be thrilled he trust her enough to do that, that he feels the have built a relationship where they can talk about this stuff, he is not sneaking some porn and being ashamed of himself. He also has never disrespected her boundaries as far as OP has said. He is also not using her more then any spouse uses the other when they want to have sex.
> 
> All and all he sounds like a decent guy.
> 
> ...


Wow nailed it! I agree with everything you said. In the past he went about it all wrong which lead to a lot of traumatic damage in our marriage. Because years ago he did keep it secret from me behind my back online and when i caught him he became very abusive demanding it from me for years putting our relationship/family through hell over it. He feels horrible for how he went about it and is trying to approach it correctly this time. He never got bored of regular porn, this was a fetish he had since a child and was too ashamed to tell me. He had no idea how to express something to me as a 12 year old kid what he was into and didn’t want to lose me because of it. He has apologized and has since been attending sex addiction therapy and we have been in marriage counseling. I have forgiven him because we do love each other unconditionally. Moving past all his horrible mistakes and the bad way he use to go about it, I’m having an open mind with it despite being claustrophobic. The more we rebuild after past trauma together, the more I connect with him. As my connection grows, I want to satisfy him fully because I care for him. With that being said, I’m trying to figure out ways to satisfy him without me feeling claustrophobic.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Laevans7 said:


> Wow nailed it! I agree with everything you said. In the past he went about it all wrong which lead to a lot of traumatic damage in our marriage. Because years ago he did keep it secret from me behind my back online and when i caught him he became very abusive demanding it from me for years putting our relationship/family through hell over it. He feels horrible for how he went about it and is trying to approach it correctly this time. He never got bored of regular porn, this was a fetish he had since a child and was too ashamed to tell me. He had no idea how to express something to me as a 12 year old kid what he was into and didn’t want to lose me because of it. He has apologized and has since been attending sex addiction therapy and we have been in marriage counseling. I have forgiven him because we do love each other unconditionally. Moving past all his horrible mistakes and the bad way he use to go about it, I’m having an open mind with it despite being claustrophobic. The more we rebuild after past trauma together, the more I connect with him. As my connection grows, I want to satisfy him fully because I care for him. With that being said, I’m trying to figure out ways to satisfy him without me feeling claustrophobic.


He's in "sex addiction therapy" because he has a fetish and acted like an idiot trying to make you engage in it years ago? I'm guessing your "therapist" is straight out of the yellow pages.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> He's in "sex addiction therapy" because he has a fetish and acted like an idiot trying to make you engage in it years ago? I'm guessing your "therapist" is straight out of the yellow pages.


There’s other sexual interests that are unhealthy that he is into and seeking help for because he himself does not like what he’s into. He’s been an addict for a long time and trying to over come sex addiction at the same time incorporate a fetish into our marriage which he should have done long before developing an addiction but again no unguided/undisciplined kid knows how to properly go about that hence it turned into a mess and we are trying to move on from it all


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I believe this 'fetish' is classified under the sado-masochism heading of kink. With the one being mummified the masochist which leaves the partner as what? It can't possibly be sadist, could it? Nah, because our so-called experts say it ain't so.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> He's in "sex addiction therapy" because he has a fetish and acted like an idiot trying to make you engage in it years ago? I'm guessing your "therapist" is straight out of the yellow pages.


WTF? Usually the advice given is "get (him/her) addiction therapy to get off the porn" and "go to marriage counseling". Now that someone has come here having already done that, they get derided for it? Seems rather hypocritical to me.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> I believe this 'fetish' is classified under the sado-masochism heading of kink. With the one being mummified the masochist which leaves the partner as what? It can't possibly be sadist, could it? Nah, because our so-called experts say it ain't so.


My husband has no desire to harm me. Hence why he is going about it properly now and we signed up to take bondage courses. He is not seeking to mummify me or hang me from a selling. I just know that’s what he’s into and was trying to find ways to help both of us be satisfied that’s all. We are coming to a middle ground of tying my hands but I was thinking of other ways to work with him because I care for him and want him to be satisfied.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Laevans7 said:


> My husband has no desire to harm me. Hence why he is going about it properly now and we signed up to take bondage courses. He is not seeking to mummify me or hang me from a selling. I just know that’s what he’s into and was trying to find ways to help both of us be satisfied that’s all. We are coming to a middle ground of tying my hands but I was thinking of other ways to work with him because I care for him and want him to be satisfied.


This approach is what is called the frog in the pot approach. Good luck.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> This approach is what is called the frog in the pot approach. Good luck.


Why are you so against commitment and making a marriage work? I understand in today’s society divorce is passed around like cigarettes and it’s common to give up on marriage easily but there’s nothing wrong with loving someone and working past issues. It would be one thing if my husband denied all of it but he’s not. He’s seeing where he was wrong in the past and I have forgiven him and we both want to work I making things better. Marriage isn’t a game. It’s a forever commitment to a person despite differences/issues. It’s a constant building and working for the better. Not a “ your sick or you have issue or you hurt me goodbye” this isn’t a dating/hookup....it’s a marriage


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> I believe this 'fetish' is classified under the sado-masochism heading of kink. With the one being mummified the masochist which leaves the partner as what? It can't possibly be sadist, could it? Nah, because our so-called experts say it ain't so.


You are incorrect on this. The fetish comes under the bondage category. Most people who are into the bondage and mummification aspects from the bottom side, find comfort in it, much as a baby might from being swaddled.

What you are doing is conflating one fetish with another. Mummification in and of itself is not an SM play. If a bottom has an issue with anything, not just mummification, and the top uses that in conjunction with another fetish, the use of the fear itself would come under SM. If they have an aversion to fur, would you call rubbing fur on a person sadistic? Or would you note that while the sensation play of fur is not sadistic, it's use in the specific context is.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Laevans7 said:


> My husband has no desire to harm me. Hence why he is going about it properly now and we signed up to take bondage courses. He is not seeking to mummify me or hang me from a selling. I just know that’s what he’s into and was trying to find ways to help both of us be satisfied that’s all. We are coming to a middle ground of tying my hands but I was thinking of other ways to work with him because I care for him and want him to be satisfied.


Excellent. I am a huge advocate of classes. Our local munch group ran an educational series for years. And it included first aid and cyber safety as well as many other topics not directly plays. Good luck with them.

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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I've never heard of mummification before. 

This is creepy as h*ll!! What's going on with people now a days?

Those ancient Egyptians were a little "knotty!"


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I had to google it... lol... I think her husband is very lucky that his wife is prepared to forgive him in such an understanding way.

EDIT: not because he has a "weird" fetish, but because he went the wrong way about it, trying to impose it onto his wife ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

maquiscat said:


> You are incorrect on this. The fetish comes under the bondage category. Most people who are into the bondage and mummification aspects from the bottom side, find comfort in it, much as a baby might from being swaddled.
> 
> What you are doing is conflating one fetish with another. Mummification in and of itself is not an SM play. If a bottom has an issue with anything, not just mummification, and the top uses that in conjunction with another fetish, the use of the fear itself would come under SM. If they have an aversion to fur, would you call rubbing fur on a person sadistic? Or would you note that while the sensation play of fur is not sadistic, it's use in the specific context is.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


What you are refusing to acknowledge is that he is the one into mummification - not her and it's her he wants to do this to. If someone gets off on being swaddled up then that's their bag. This isn't what is going on here. And, you consistently denying it is ridiculous and dangerous for her.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The problem is: a half-baked fetish won't do for the husband. So, there is no solution...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's all moot anyway as the idea is shelved (for now). At least until they take enough classes and he can work up to convincing her to try it for her own benefit.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Laevans7 said:


> Wow nailed it! I agree with everything you said. In the past he went about it all wrong which lead to a lot of traumatic damage in our marriage. Because years ago he did keep it secret from me behind my back online and when i caught him he became very abusive demanding it from me for years putting our relationship/family through hell over it. He feels horrible for how he went about it and is trying to approach it correctly this time. He never got bored of regular porn, this was a fetish he had since a child and was too ashamed to tell me. He had no idea how to express something to me as a 12 year old kid what he was into and didn’t want to lose me because of it. He has apologized and has since been attending sex addiction therapy and we have been in marriage counseling. I have forgiven him because we do love each other unconditionally. Moving past all his horrible mistakes and the bad way he use to go about it, I’m having an open mind with it despite being claustrophobic. The more we rebuild after past trauma together, the more I connect with him. As my connection grows, I want to satisfy him fully because I care for him. With that being said, I’m trying to figure out ways to satisfy him without me feeling claustrophobic.


Well having this info changes my advice a little. I think because of the past history it may be harder for you to trust him to do this stuff and I think that is reasonable. Maybe it's also about building trust and overcoming your history.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It's all moot anyway as the idea is shelved (for now). At least until they take enough classes and he can work up to convincing her to try it for her own benefit.


I don't see how she can try it, since she is claustrophobic!


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> There’s other sexual interests that are unhealthy that he is into and seeking help for because he himself does not like what he’s into.


Is it possible to get an idea what the other ‘unhealthy interests’ might be?
I think it is a difficult balance for posters being accepting of various fetishes while also mindful of your own personal safety. The fact that you want to help him and the fact that he himself is being considerate and respecting your reservations is a very positive sign.
Have you tried tried other sex/kink forums? (Reddit etc). You’ll probably get more balanced/practical perspectives without judgement on whether his kinks are ‘reasonable’ or not.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> Why are you so against commitment and making a marriage work? I understand in today’s society divorce is passed around like cigarettes and it’s common to give up on marriage easily but there’s nothing wrong with loving someone and working past issues. It would be one thing if my husband denied all of it but he’s not. He’s seeing where he was wrong in the past and I have forgiven him and we both want to work I making things better. Marriage isn’t a game. It’s a forever commitment to a person despite differences/issues. It’s a constant building and working for the better. Not a “ your sick or you have issue or you hurt me goodbye” this isn’t a dating/hookup....it’s a marriage


Some are here for banter/popcorn/entertainment/humour, some are here because they are curious or identify with other people’s issues, some genuinely want to help, some enjoy the put downs...All seem to have different (and valid) reasons from what it looks like. But everyone’s view will be coloured by their own personal experiences...And people that manage to figure out or resolve their issues, don’t tend to stick around, at a guess and get on with their marriage.
It’s the only way I can explain why divorce seems such a go-to solution. 
But I think it’s valid in your case to be concerned for your safety, given what you have written so far.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Laevans7 said:


> Why are you so against commitment and making a marriage work? I understand in today’s society divorce is passed around like cigarettes and it’s common to give up on marriage easily but there’s nothing wrong with loving someone and working past issues. It would be one thing if my husband denied all of it but he’s not. He’s seeing where he was wrong in the past and I have forgiven him and we both want to work I making things better. Marriage isn’t a game. It’s a forever commitment to a person despite differences/issues. It’s a constant building and working for the better. Not a “ your sick or you have issue or you hurt me goodbye” this isn’t a dating/hookup....it’s a marriage


I'm not against commitment and making a marriage work. I was married (only once) for 43 years until my husband passed on. The one thing that is required for a marriage to survive is mutual respect. Your husband is working himself out of a hole in that regard. You also need to respect yourself and take care of yourself. Twisting yourself into a pretzel for your partner's desires is not respecting yourself. 

I do hope you are able to find mutually satisfying activities to enrich your lives. Please don't do anything that could compromise your physical, mental or emotional health for the sake of his sex addiction.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> What you are refusing to acknowledge is that he is the one into mummification - not her and it's her he wants to do this to. If someone gets off on being swaddled up then that's their bag. This isn't what is going on here. And, you consistently denying it is ridiculous and dangerous for her.


You are still trying to conflate two different things. Your claim of mummification as an SM play with her personal phobias. Just because she has a phobia, it does not make mummification an SM play. At no point am I advocating that she herself engage in mummification. Quote me where I have, if you want to claim as much. You obviously aren't reading her posts as you keep making claims that she is denying.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> The problem is: a half-baked fetish won't do for the husband. So, there is no solution...


And from where do you derive that conclusion?

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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Imperfections said:


> Sometimes it is difficult (and even completely off putting) for a woman to voice her sexual preferences to her husband. Sometimes she may not even be entirely sure what her sexual kinks exactly are..but she might be curious and trusting that her partner would never cause her any harm, letting him take the lead role and taking her on a journey...
> 
> Think of it as a Prince Charming arriving on a horse, sweeping you off your feet with a gentle kiss and you ‘surrendering’ yourself completely to him, letting him lead the way. He then puts you into a bag and hangs you upside down from the ceiling..And so they lived happily ever after. (Better than the Blue Beard stories I was read to as a child anyway).


What I just read was, "She likes it, she just doesn't know she likes it yet. So keep the pressure on because women really like to be dominated."


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Have you ever done some activity with your spouse that you didn't enjoy, but did it for their sake? Not an activity that you hated, just simply didn't enjoy it. Such as shopping for clothes, or riding roller coasters, or attending a flower show? You do them because your spouse enjoys them and maybe you get pleasure out of their enjoyment, but not the activity itself. In some cases, you might do it for those reasons even if you hate it.
> 
> I am afraid of really high roller coasters or ones with loops. Yet I have gone on them because that is what my daughters wanted to do with their dad. Because they loved them. According to you, my daughters didn't really care about me because they went along with my riding the coaster with them even though they knew how much I fear them.
> 
> The principle is the same here. Even if I didn't ride the coaster with my daughter, there is nothing wrong with them expressing their desire to ride them. Nor is there a problem with the husband here.


Not even close to the same thing. The fact that you equate them as such is scary.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

maquiscat said:


> You are still trying to conflate two different things. Your claim of mummification as an SM play with her personal phobias. Just because she has a phobia, it does not make mummification an SM play. At no point am I advocating that she herself engage in mummification. Quote me where I have, if you want to claim as much. You obviously aren't reading her posts as you keep making claims that she is denying.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


I can't even figure out what you are trying to argue about. Geez, just put me on ignore.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Imperfections said:


> How would she know what she would get out of it if she never tried it?
> 
> This is another thing I don’t understand: how can one be convinced beforehand that they would hate something before trying it once or even a few times.
> 
> ...


Another "she likes it, she just doesn't know it."


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

AndStilliRise said:


> Not even close to the same thing. The fact that you equate them as such is scary.


If you think I am equating the OP's phobia issue with what was in the post you quoted, you are mistaken. I was referring to the claim that "There's no way i could derive pleasure from anything if I knew my partner didn't really want it." People do it all the time. That's not the same as trying to force the person to do it. 

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> I can't even figure out what you are trying to argue about. Geez, just put me on ignore.


If you want an ignore, you can do it yourself.

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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> Wow nailed it! I agree with everything you said. In the past he went about it all wrong which lead to a lot of traumatic damage in our marriage. Because years ago he did keep it secret from me behind my back online and when i caught him he became very abusive demanding it from me for years putting our relationship/family through hell over it. He feels horrible for how he went about it and is trying to approach it correctly this time. He never got bored of regular porn, this was a fetish he had since a child and was too ashamed to tell me. He had no idea how to express something to me as a 12 year old kid what he was into and didn’t want to lose me because of it. He has apologized and has since been attending sex addiction therapy and we have been in marriage counseling. I have forgiven him because we do love each other unconditionally. Moving past all his horrible mistakes and the bad way he use to go about it, I’m having an open mind with it despite being claustrophobic. The more we rebuild after past trauma together, the more I connect with him. As my connection grows, I want to satisfy him fully because I care for him. With that being said, I’m trying to figure out ways to satisfy him without me feeling claustrophobic.


His wanting to act out this fetish is addict behavior. He may be "sober" but he is clearly not in recovery. He has not changed his thinking and it is still driving him to seek and satisfy the dopamine fix that fuels the addiction. If he were in recovery he would be seeking connection with you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

AndStilliRise said:


> Another "she likes it, she just doesn't know it."


Another "let me change the meaning to suit my bias". Their point is she _might_ like it, but won't know one way or the other till they try it. You know, the same logic we use on our kids all the time.

That said, they weren't taking the phobia into account for this specific activity and have been called out on it.

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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> He's in "sex addiction therapy" because he has a fetish and acted like an idiot trying to make you engage in it years ago? I'm guessing your "therapist" is straight out of the yellow pages.


He needs to see a CSAT or CMAT.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> There’s other sexual interests that are unhealthy that he is into and seeking help for because he himself does not like what he’s into. He’s been an addict for a long time and trying to over come sex addiction at the same time incorporate a fetish into our marriage which he should have done long before developing an addiction but again no unguided/undisciplined kid knows how to properly go about that hence it turned into a mess and we are trying to move on from it all


You need to understand that this fetish is part of the addiction.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Laevans7 said:


> My husband has no desire to harm me. Hence why he is going about it properly now and we signed up to take bondage courses. He is not seeking to mummify me or hang me from a selling. I just know that’s what he’s into and was trying to find ways to help both of us be satisfied that’s all. We are coming to a middle ground of tying my hands but I was thinking of other ways to work with him because I care for him and want him to be satisfied.


My advice would be that just talking about things openly and with confidence with your husband can be a powerful thing. Many psychology books I have read simply state that it is important for a couple to fully know each other. So if your husband can tell you these things and the following conversations are respectful without any shame and caring towards one another... THAT in and of itself will likely be 95% of the battle. You may find that his desires to actually try some of the things he wants tend to subside a little and become rather tame once you remove all the guilt and shame from this topic of conversation. 

One idea I have reading this thread is that perhaps you could find a comfortable hammock. You enjoy getting in it and there is no claustrophobia, while you husband gets underneath. From his perspective it may look like you are in a pickle that you have described and that could be a fun way to have fun with this idea. I cam up with this idea as my wife once found a sex book that had all sorts of fun sex positions that could be accomplished with a hammock. I think the book was even called Hammock-sutra! 

At the end of the day, be glad that you and your husband can talk about challenging and awkward topics as a loving couple!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AndStilliRise said:


> Another "she likes it, she just doesn't know it."


Yeah, which is the same lack of respect as saying, I know what's best for you better than you do because my brain is better.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Original poster, don't do anything you're not comfortable with! Follow your instincts. They've been honed over thousands of years and they're there to protect you. Problem is, if you're uncomfortable once up there, as you will be, this will only thrill a sadist more. And yes, this is a sadist fetish. He needs to respect your right to say no. You have already gone above and beyond for him. All you're going to do by cooperating is let him get further down the sadism road. And one day you'll wonder where the guy went you married.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Original poster, don't do anything you're not comfortable with! Follow your instincts. They've been honed over thousands of years and they're there to protect you. Problem is, if you're uncomfortable once up there, as you will be, this will only thrill a sadist more. And yes, this is a sadist fetish. He needs to respect your right to say no. You have already gone above and beyond for him. All you're going to do by cooperating is let him get further down the sadism road. And one day you'll wonder where the guy went you married.


Mummification and suspension (two separate plays) are not sadist fetishes. Where are you getting that from? What pain is being caused by the two plays? And to be correct it would be a SM fetish, because you have to consider it from both the top and bottom sides. But from direct experience, I can tell you neither of those two things are fetishes/plays. That's not to say you can't combine them with SM plays. Just that they themselves are not.

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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hey, sadism also encompasses extreme fear and discomfort. Are you telling me that's not going to be extremely fearful and uncomfortable in the extreme?

This is also necrophiliac.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Laevans7 said:


> Wow nailed it! I agree with everything you said. In the past he went about it all wrong which lead to a lot of traumatic damage in our marriage. Because years ago he did keep it secret from me behind my back online and when i caught him he became very abusive demanding it from me for years putting our relationship/family through hell over it. He feels horrible for how he went about it and is trying to approach it correctly this time. He never got bored of regular porn, this was a fetish he had since a child and was too ashamed to tell me. He had no idea how to express something to me as a 12 year old kid what he was into and didn’t want to lose me because of it. He has apologized and has since been attending sex addiction therapy and we have been in marriage counseling. I have forgiven him because we do love each other unconditionally. Moving past all his horrible mistakes and the bad way he use to go about it, I’m having an open mind with it despite being claustrophobic. The more we rebuild after past trauma together, the more I connect with him. As my connection grows, I want to satisfy him fully because I care for him. With that being said, I’m trying to figure out ways to satisfy him without me feeling claustrophobic.


Do you think its helpful for him or the marriage if you are the one who feels they MUST find a way to satisfy his skewed fetishes no matter what they are? That you have no say in setting boundaries in what you would and wouldn't accept? That you dont ask him to stop the porn that is feeding these desires and making them more extreme as time passes(which they will) 
I am amazed at what some will do because they feel they must go along with what theis spouse wants no matter what it is. 
As I see it, HE is the one who needs help, who needs to stop the porn, who needs to stop feeding these very skewed and dark fantasies. 
By thinking that you should do whatever he asks, you are enabling this to carry on and get more extreme. As you have said it has already caused a LOT of pain, hurt and anguish in the marriage with him being a very abusive spouse for many years. That is not love, that is not respect. Honestly some fantasies need to just stay as fantasies. I just dont get how he can love you and still want you to go long with his dark plans.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Imperfections said:


> How would she know what she would get out of it if she never tried it?
> 
> This is another thing I don’t understand: how can one be convinced beforehand that they would hate something before trying it once or even a few times.
> 
> ...


Come on now, we are perfectly able to know whether we would enjoy being completely bound up, not being able to see, hear well, move and be hung upside down or not. 
Maybe if I suggest that someone beats the bottom of your feet with an iron bar and if you say no thanks, I could say well you have never tried it, so how do you know you wouldnt actually like the pain and being controlled? Or how about you get put in a coffin and buried under ground for a few hours or days? Yes? No? Well you may really like it, how will you know if you havent tried it? . 
Most of us are self aware enough to know that certain things are just plain cruel, weird, sadistic, skewed and that unless we are very damaged ourselves we KNOW that we would hate it. We also have boundaries and enough self respect to be able to say, nope.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Laevans7 said:


> I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me.





aine said:


> What do you get out of any of it? If your answer is nothing much then it is unfair for him to expect this. A relationship should for the most part be MUTUALLY satisfying, not about you helping him get off doing something you don't enjoy or want. No loving partner does this to another, it is simple.


To me this sums up the entire thread. Laevans' desire to be his everything runs up against her inability to be that, and against the Mutuality principle. There is a lot of thread jacking about a supposed violation of only do what you want to principle.
So #1 Laevens' desire vs her fears. Fears can be overcome through desensitization. That's about the only advice I have there. If you want to do it, if you feel safe doing it, if you can feel loved doing it. then go ahead (safely). 
#2 Laevens desire vs mutual satisfaction. It seems to me you are chasing unicorns there. I don't think anyone in any relationship hasn't done something they don't want to do. I think I have never felt any satisfaction in watching the many hours of figure skating I have sat through. I try to be a good sport. But honestly mutual satisfaction, even in sex is an impossible goal. The best you can do appreciate the joy of bringing pleasure to another. I see a lot of people here who sexually do a lot of unusual things because they just like watching their spouse enjoy it.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Hey, sadism also encompasses extreme fear and discomfort. Are you telling me that's not going to be extremely fearful and uncomfortable in the extreme?


Mummification and suspension? Not in and of themselves. Yeah some people, such as the OP can have issues, but that becomes a point of the person, not the play. Unless you have some kind of misunderstanding as to what the two plays encompass, or are trying for some kind of bad word play (pun not intended)



> This is also necrophiliac.


Wait! What?

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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Hey, sadism also encompasses extreme fear and discomfort. Are you telling me that's not going to be extremely fearful and uncomfortable in the extreme?
> 
> This is also necrophiliac.


I’ve researched what he’s into. Being mummified does not mean death. There are holes for nose and mouth and there’s no way I could ever do such a thing but have read people who do


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have 2 mummy style sleeping bags. They also kind of freak out my wife. But, I don't think that climbing into a close fitting sleeping bag makes me

restrained
abused
dead.
I'm not really sure this has anything to do with this thread. If I was thinking of attempting mummification bondage (which Laevans is not) I would start by zipping myself into a mummy bag. 
Unfortunately the whole thread is going all about "extreme fear and discomfort" and based on my life's experience this is hogwash. I live in ranch / dairy country. When you need to work with a cow medically you put it into a squeeze chute which presses in from both sides. This simulates the crowded feeling of being in a herd and calms the cow. My daughter (adult diagnosed autistic spectrum) tells me they are developing similar things for autistic persons. Also weighted blankets. This kind of self bondage is calming. (yes they monitor heart and stress) Again this depends on the person. But, as a final example, claustrophobic Mrs. Nail likes a big long, full body hug.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe if I suggest that someone beats the bottom of your feet with an iron bar and if you say no thanks, I could say well you have never tried it, so how do you know you wouldnt actually like the pain and being controlled?


You are right, I probably wouldn’t say “no, thanks”, I would just go for it, if I knew it was something that really turned my wife on...
But at no point have I suggested the OP should do ANYtHING she isn’t comfortable with or any part of it.

Btw let’s not completely lose the plot here: they are only considering using a rope to tie her on the ground. They already decided there will be no hanging or mummifications (because she said she was is uncomfortable and he is respectful of that).

How is using a rope a ‘twisted, dark fantasy’, equivalent to putting me into a coffin underground? 
(how did I suddenly become part of the plot anyway. Although I would supply my own, disposable coffin, due to Covid restrictions, just in case..).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Imperfections said:


> You are right, I probably wouldn’t say “no, thanks”, I would just go for it, if I knew it was something that really turned my wife on...
> But at no point have I suggested the OP should do ANYtHING she isn’t comfortable with or any part of it.
> 
> Btw let’s not completely lose the plot here: they are only considering using a rope to tie her on the ground. They already decided there will be no hanging or mummifications (because she said she was is uncomfortable and he is respectful of that).
> ...


His desires that he has told her about over their marriage and that have caused a lot of trouble and hurt and abuse sound twisted and dark going by what she has said here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> I have 2 mummy style sleeping bags. They also kind of freak out my wife. But, I don't think that climbing into a close fitting sleeping bag makes me
> 
> restrained
> abused
> ...


Sorry but a sleeping bag just isnt what is being refered to here in anyway.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Sorry but a sleeping bag just isnt what is being refered to here in anyway.


Actually such sleeping bags are not uncommon in the play. It's considered the lighter end of the play.

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> To me this sums up the entire thread. Laevans' desire to be his everything runs up against her inability to be that, and against the Mutuality principle. There is a lot of thread jacking about a supposed violation of only do what you want to principle.
> So #1 Laevens' desire vs her fears. Fears can be overcome through desensitization. That's about the only advice I have there. If you want to do it, if you feel safe doing it, if you can feel loved doing it. then go ahead (safely).
> #2 Laevens desire vs mutual satisfaction. It seems to me you are chasing unicorns there. I don't think anyone in any relationship hasn't done something they don't want to do. I think I have never felt any satisfaction in watching the many hours of figure skating I have sat through. I try to be a good sport. But honestly mutual satisfaction, even in sex is an impossible goal. The best you can do appreciate the joy of bringing pleasure to another. I see a lot of people here who sexually do a lot of unusual things because they just like watching their spouse enjoy it.


Isn't watching your SO enjoy something a form of satisfaction, i.e you have happy that you brought your SO satisfaction? In this case she is scared, not very satisfying


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

let's examine the case I proposed. I sit for 2 hours bored out of my skull watching my wife enjoy the pretty costumes , skilled ice dancing and classical music. Explain to me again how mutual the satisfaction is?


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


Update......
I told him I want him to show me what he wants without having sex just tie me the ways he wants and ill see what I’m comfortable. So he tied my hands and feet with rope. He wanted to tie my thighs but idk why I started to freak out when he began so that’s a no. He has like an arm sac thing with straps where I put it on like a back pack on my shoulders and my hands go behind me sitting in the sac. I was fine with that as long as my elbows were outside of it so I can pull out easily. Lastly, he loves body art with rope. So he tied the rope above my breasts wrapping them below to my hips. To summarize, I was completely fine with everything he showed me except I don’t want any of it tight. He was like but that’s the point and I said ya but I want to easily get out of everything and I don’t like it feeling tight on my body. Since I’m claustrophobic I get that walls closing in on me feeling when it’s tight on me. So he said he doesn’t know how we are going to make this work. He doesn’t think he can ever be fully sexually satisfied with me. Because I love him I want him to be sexually satisfied and it kills me knowing I can’t physically offer him that. I can’t fathom waking up everyday knowing I can’t please the man I love it’s very painful. Unfortuanlty this is something that he’s longed for since a kid and is super important for him meaning he needs it to connect with a women on an intimate level. I’m so hurt and lost any advice helps. Thank you!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The point is he wants you uncomfortable because that is what turns him on. 

I think you're going to have to accept that you two are sexually incompatible. The poor guy has been ruined from his early exposure to porn because he didn't start fantasizing about mummification at the age of twelve from watching The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser, IMO. [Please, no lectures on how wrong I am because I used the caveat "IMO"]

Some therapists recommend resetting the brain by abstaining from all sexual activity, porn and masturbating for a period of months. Perhaps you can approach him with this idea and have him check with his therapist.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> Update......
> I told him I want him to show me what he wants without having sex just tie me the ways he wants and ill see what I’m comfortable. So he tied my hands and feet with rope. He wanted to tie my thighs but idk why I started to freak out when he began so that’s a no. He has like an arm sac thing with straps where I put it on like a back pack on my shoulders and my hands go behind me sitting in the sac. I was fine with that as long as my elbows were outside of it so I can pull out easily. Lastly, he loves body art with rope. So he tied the rope above my breasts wrapping them below to my hips. To summarize, I was completely fine with everything he showed me except I don’t want any of it tight. He was like but that’s the point and I said ya but I want to easily get out of everything and I don’t like it feeling tight on my body. Since I’m claustrophobic I get that walls closing in on me feeling when it’s tight on me. So he said he doesn’t know how we are going to make this work. He doesn’t think he can ever be fully sexually satisfied with me. Because I love him I want him to be sexually satisfied and it kills me knowing I can’t physically offer him that. I can’t fathom waking up everyday knowing I can’t please the man I love it’s very painful. Unfortuanlty this is something that he’s longed for since a kid and is super important for him meaning he needs it to connect with a women on an intimate level. I’m so hurt and lost any advice helps. Thank you!


I don’t know a lot about this particular kink (is it bondage?) but my guess is, it is about you completely relinquishing control to him. As always with those things, it is more about the psychology of it; while the tools & ropes just help getting there, mentally. I do not think this is to do with sadism (pain). It’s about control.

I’m not sure not liking being tied up is called claustrophobia but I think I understand exactly what it is you are uncomfortable about.

Why don’t you two start small, without any ropes: would you be able to give up all control to him and let him guide you or do you need to be able to know exactly what is happening and be in control yourself, during the acts? You can then add slowly, tying hands etc and then become more elaborate. I am not sure there is much point rehearsing these things in a non sexual setting, as it’s just going to be frustrating or might scare you more.

My wife has sometimes difficulties giving up control; the games, role play, talking etc all help achieve a mental state where you fully trust your partner that they won’t hurt you and that you can put a stop to anything at ANY TIME (with a safe word). 

Having said that. Do YOU have preferences or ways how you’d wish to bond with your husband, in a sexual setting? We made weeks, “His and Hers” (during “her” week, I only prioritise things I know she wants; which doesn’t always include unloading the dishwasher). Otherwise it can become one sided. 

Another way is perhaps to watch some (gentle) bondage videos to get a better idea of what to expect.

I am only saying all this because you wrote that you seem to want to help him experience it with you. If you said ‘my husband is crazy and I don’t want to get tied up, should I leave him?’ I would not have written any of it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Thanks for the update. 
I'm not sure how to say this, it keeps coming out wrong.
I get the feeling that as frustrated as your mr. is, he appreciates every attempt you make.
This game requires a lot of communication. Don't be afraid to ask " what do you mean?"


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Laevans7 said:


> Update......
> I told him I want him to show me what he wants without having sex just tie me the ways he wants and ill see what I’m comfortable. So he tied my hands and feet with rope. He wanted to tie my thighs but idk why I started to freak out when he began so that’s a no.


Don't be afraid to experiment to see exactly where your limits are. Obviously back off as you did here as soon as you start to feel anything. But maybe it's not the thighs, but the combination of two or three points. Or you might realize it's because you can't as easily slip out of it. Or because it's too new. Still take your time and don't push too fast.



> He has like an arm sac thing with straps where I put it on like a back pack on my shoulders and my hands go behind me sitting in the sac. I was fine with that as long as my elbows were outside of it so I can pull out easily.


Arm binder. You can also do them with rope which can give it a high degree of tightness variability.



> Lastly, he loves body art with rope. So he tied the rope above my breasts wrapping them below to my hips. To summarize, I was completely fine with everything he showed me except I don’t want any of it tight. He was like but that’s the point


Not necessarily, and that is probably ignorance showing through. However, for some types of bindings, yes tightness is a factor. Now there is a difference between snug and constricting. Assuming that you continue with this exploration, you are going to have to figure out where your comfort level is, and maybe snug works but anything more will trigger. However, this is where classes come in. He can learn to do various ties that don't necessarily need to be tight. Also, you are remembering to have safety scissors or something to quickly cut the rope if something goes wrong, yes?



> and I said ya but I want to easily get out of everything and I don’t like it feeling tight on my body. Since I’m claustrophobic I get that walls closing in on me feeling when it’s tight on me.


That is going to have to be the limiting factor. There is a major difference between pushing your limits and breaking them. You are going the extra mile by trying. His part of the equation is to be patient. Oh and to learn.



> So he said he doesn’t know how we are going to make this work. He doesn’t think he can ever be fully sexually satisfied with me.


So here is the point that I actually start to berate him a little. A kink should never be the factor to being sexually satisfied. A kink can highlight and it can even be a need. But if it gets to a point where it's a requirement of sex, then help is needed. And that is different than being able to do the kink every time you have sex, because it happens to be doable. Right now my one wife is in a LD part of her cycle (not monthly cycle). Kink really isn't a part of her abilities right not, especially top activities. But regular sex still is. I am fully sexually satisfied with her, even though I am not getting my kink needs met by her. Now I am lucky in that I have other possible outlets for that need. But even without them, I still would be sexually satisfied with her. He has to learn to keep sex and kink separate, especially for your sake.



> Because I love him I want him to be sexually satisfied and it kills me knowing I can’t physically offer him that. I can’t fathom waking up everyday knowing I can’t please the man I love it’s very painful. Unfortuanlty this is something that he’s longed for since a kid and is super important for him meaning he needs it to connect with a women on an intimate level. I’m so hurt and lost any advice helps. Thank you!


I'm glad that you are willing to try for him. Just continue to stay safe and hold fast to your limits. Given what you said here, I doubt that he would try to violate them. Remember what I said earlier that kink plays and sex do NOT have to go hand in hand. This might be a situation where him having a rope bunny on the side. Now many here are going to try to tell you that it will ruin your marriage. But they no more get to say what will and will not ruin your marriage than they get to say that he is being sadistic when he's not. You two get to decide what will and will not ruin your marriage. If you know the marriage can't handle a person for the kink only on the side, don't go there. But you can't consider an option if you don't know about it.

No matter what the ultimate solution is, or where you two end up, this is a situation that is going to take time. Personal therapy for you is probably going to be involved as well as couples therapy. Try to get kink aware professionals if you can. There is a list online that has a number of them. Encourage him to be patient. I am like him, having these desires since I was little (although not understanding them) I was in my 30's before I ever found someone with whom I could actually explore kink with. And even then, I had a lot to learn. You have a phobia to overcome. That's going to take even longer. That assumes that you want to overcome it. But if you do try, to it with a professional, not just the two of you


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Imperfections said:


> I don’t know a lot about this particular kink (is it bondage?)


Correct



> but my guess is, it is about you completely relinquishing control to him. As always with those things, it is more about the psychology of it; while the tools & ropes just help getting there, mentally. I do not think this is to do with sadism (pain). It’s about control.


Certainly possible. It's important to keep the plays separate from things like D/s and SM, because they can be independent from each other or they can be done together. If his desire is more along the lines of D/s then there are other plays that he can learn and do that will not trigger her phobia. I can understand wanting both the rope and the D/s, but he might have to give the rope up to fulfill his other kinks instead, if she can't find a way to work around or reduce her claustrophobia.



> I’m not sure not liking being tied up is called claustrophobia but I think I understand exactly what it is you are uncomfortable about.


Each person has different triggers for their phobia. I know a guy who loves tight restrictive bondage, but a blindfold, even by itself with no bindings, will trigger his claustrophobia. She might be fine with being blindfolded (she's not mentioned it so she also might not be), but not the tight bondage.



> Another way is perhaps to watch some (gentle) bondage videos to get a better idea of what to expect.


Two Knotty Guys is a great resource for bondage tutorials without any porn.



> I am only saying all this because you wrote that you seem to want to help him experience it with you. If you said ‘my husband is crazy and I don’t want to get tied up, should I leave him?’ I would not have written any of it.


Now if only some of the others would get this point....


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Just tell him to get a life now... you tried.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Laevans7 said:


> Update......
> So he said he doesn’t know how we are going to make this work. He doesn’t think he can ever be fully sexually satisfied with me. Because I love him I want him to be sexually satisfied and it kills me knowing I can’t physically offer him that. I can’t fathom waking up everyday knowing I can’t please the man I love it’s very painful.


He is still very active in his addiction. Neither you, nor any other real woman will ever sayisfy him. You can't compete with porn or fantasy. It's not you, it's him. You need to be willing to recognize that his addiction is killing your marriage and do something anout it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AndStilliRise said:


> He is still very active in his addiction. Neither you, nor any other real woman will ever sayisfy him. You can't compete with porn or fantasy. It's not you, it's him. You need to be willing to recognize that his addiction is killing your marriage and do something anout it.


👌👆


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Laevans7 said:


> Update......
> I told him I want him to show me what he wants without having sex just tie me the ways he wants and ill see what I’m comfortable. So he tied my hands and feet with rope. He wanted to tie my thighs but idk why I started to freak out when he began so that’s a no. He has like an arm sac thing with straps where I put it on like a back pack on my shoulders and my hands go behind me sitting in the sac. I was fine with that as long as my elbows were outside of it so I can pull out easily. Lastly, he loves body art with rope. So he tied the rope above my breasts wrapping them below to my hips. To summarize, I was completely fine with everything he showed me except I don’t want any of it tight. He was like but that’s the point and I said ya but I want to easily get out of everything and I don’t like it feeling tight on my body. Since I’m claustrophobic I get that walls closing in on me feeling when it’s tight on me. So he said he doesn’t know how we are going to make this work. He doesn’t think he can ever be fully sexually satisfied with me. Because I love him I want him to be sexually satisfied and it kills me knowing I can’t physically offer him that. I can’t fathom waking up everyday knowing I can’t please the man I love it’s very painful. Unfortuanlty this is something that he’s longed for since a kid and is super important for him meaning he needs it to connect with a women on an intimate level. I’m so hurt and lost any advice helps. Thank you!


Laevans, I feel so so sorry and so so sad for you, that you think you must do all these things or he will not want you and wont be sexually satisfied. I SO wish you could see that the deep issues and problems are entirely with him and not you. If he even as a child wanted to tie women up, to mummify them, to hang them upside down so they couldn't move see or escape, what does that say to you?Cant you see how dark and damaged and skewed his sexuality already was even as a child? How using women in that way is completely wrong and deranged? How making you feel less than because you cant go along with his skewed desires is cruel and hurting the wrong person? You are not supposed to feed his already damaged sexual desires. He shouldnt be feeding them in porn, or elsewhere.
He needs help, he really does.Help to get out of the deep mess he is in. Help to be able to enjoy a healthy sex with his wife. You trying to go along with this is just making things so much worse. Honestly I would never ever expect my husband to go along with something that so clearly troubled him, that was so clearly a terrible way to treat a partner, that was so clearly completely skewed.
Nothing will change until he gets help, until he stops feeding these dark fantasies. Its possible that he may never be able to enjoy healthy sex with you as his wife after such a long time, but until he realises he needs help nothing will ever change.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Laevans7 said:


> Update......
> I told him I want him to show me what he wants without having sex just tie me the ways he wants and ill see what I’m comfortable.


Well at least he should appreciate that you were willing to talk about this topic and try



Laevans7 said:


> ...I was completely fine with everything he showed me except I don’t want any of it tight. He was like but that’s the point .... So he said he doesn’t know how we are going to make this work. *He doesn’t think he can ever be fully sexually satisfied with me. *


That is rather unfortunate. Generally speaking as one matures, sexual satisfaction becomes a personal responsibility and you share it with the one you love. It shouldn't be something that is derived from a give and take scenario. In my opinion. You should NOT hold yourself responsible for his pleasure. Wanting to please a spouse and make that person happy is a youthful expression of love. 

*My advice at this point is tough love!* Set your boundaries and do so with unapologetic confidence knowing that you honestly tried. Your husband will either A) learn to appreciate what he has or B) allow his kinks and fetishes destroy his marriage.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Laevans7 said:


> I love my husband so very much unconditionally. We are 32 and have been together since we were 12 and inseparable. We are best friends more than anything and get along great. One issue...SEX! he expressed to me he is really into mummification and extreme bondage/hanging from ceiling. I for one am claustrophobic, second we have never done bondage really except like hands and third I have no interest in it whatsoever. Issue is I love him so much and it hurts me to know I can’t fully sexually satisfy him. He won’t ask it if me because he knows I would never ever do something like that so he’s settling for partial body tie up which I’m assuming should be fine as long as it’s not too tight. I know he loves me and won’t demand it from me but again I want to be his everything sexually and waking up everyday knowing he desires something I won’t do hurts me. We are remaining monogamous. What advice do you have?


are you saying he wants YOU to be mumified?
Or he wants you to do it to him????

tell him to F.off if it is the first.
if the second, go ahead, tie him up and humiliiate him. You might find you enjoy it.

if he wants to experiment with bondage for you, maybe you can do some velcro handcuffs and leg restraints/spreader bar, and he will be content with that. being velcro, they are not real restraints, like metal handcuffs or thick rope, so you will probably not be intimidated.

Have him concentrate on what kinky sexual acts he wants to do to your body when you are bound, rather than the actual binding process. get his mind thinking in a more productive direction


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, she never got into talking about just what he would be doing after she was all bound up. I think I don't want to know and I think she doesn't either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> are you saying he wants YOU to be mumified?
> Or he wants you to do it to him????
> 
> tell him to F.off if it is the first.
> ...


He wants HER to be tied up and strung up.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, she never got into talking about just what he would be doing after she was all bound up. I think I don't want to know and I think she doesn't either.


She’s probably busy. It’s not easy to write a reply when you are all tied up...I tried (typing this with my tongue ).
I’m sure they’ll work it out...


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