# She says she is not at fault. What should I do?



## fir (Oct 31, 2012)

My wife of 6 years had a torrid, albeit brief, affair in February this year. When I found out about it I was devastated and there was this period of massive emotional turbulence. Eventually I decided to forgive her and move on, as she convinced me that it was a very brief spur of the moment thing and I knew for a fact that she had been faithful till that point. But I made one point very clear that she could not be in touch with him henceforth in any way -- which I thought is an obvious pre-requisite to move on. 

A couple of days back I found out that she has been communicating with him over phone calls and SMS -- around 20 calls this month and 12 the month before. On confronting her on this, she is saying that this guy was pestering her to restart the relationship and she was arguing with him that it is not worth it. It seems to me that my wife was open to the idea of a casual occasional non-physical "friendship" thingy continuing while the guy wanted more (which she was against and hence all the debate over calls). She says, and I tend to believe her on this, that she never met the guy during this time.

On my part, I can understand a couple of calls to tell off someone or to achieve closure. I feel very very cheated given the amount of communication which she had and which she took pains to conceal from me. I feel that if she had the same love and respect for me as I have for her and if she valued our marriage as strongly as I do, she should have told the guy off and also been transparent about this to me.

I feel this is reason enough for me to call it quits. She feels I am being unfair because she actually did not "do" anything apart from trying to convince the guy that a serious relationship between them is not possible. The reason she did not tell me about these communication was because she was "handling" the issue herself and did not want to upset me. She really wants continue the marriage.

What should I do?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

32 calls to convince the guy that she's not interested? 

And why do you believe her that she never met the guy during this time? Always remember: Cheaters lie and liars cheat.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Also....how many text messages and emails have you found?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The problem stems from the fact that she didn't have to face any consequences back when you found out. I would pack her stuff in black garbage bags and drive her to om house. I wouldn't care if he's married or not if he's married explain to omw she is still talking to him. There have to be consequences for people's bad behaviour.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

start here, read it, learn it, live it...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

she possibly took it underground, and you are being gaslighted big time, get one thing straight she didnt tell you about the contact because she KNEW she was wrong, not to keep you from being upset..

SHE can not continue to have contact, no way no how....


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

She has demonstrated that she will repeatedly ignore your boundaries, and that she has little respect for you. Time to call it quits...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get this book and tell her she has 6 hours to read it. If, after she reads it, she still doesn't think she's done anything wrong, kick her out.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

If she DOES admit she's been wrong, tell her what she has to do to convince you she means it:
reconciliation vs rug sweeping

And read the rest of the newbie link in my signature. Good luck.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

If I find myself in the same position, she's already had EA / PA (kissed OM), I would call it quits. I'm having a hard enough time this first go round.

If she doesn't value your marriage enough, and continues to talk or whatever with the OM, it should give clear insight as to your decision.

This is frustrating. Now I continue to check cell phone records, and even read text messages between my W and her gf the other day to get more answers. For my own sanity, I will not allow myself to go thru this again. I would be done!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She feels I am being unfair because she actually did not "do" anything apart from trying to convince the guy that a serious relationship between them is not possible.

She is lying...I am 100% sure about it.. Don't even doubt that part. And it is not even unfair if she is taking so many calls to "convince him" either...She is obviously enjoying the talks and is hiding something more

You might have to re-inspect her claims of it being the spur of the moment. How did you conform this ?

Who is the OM? Is he married ? Have you exposed him ? have you confronted him ?



> I feel this is reason enough for me to call it quits.


Absolutely!! You should probably do it unless you guys have kids(then you might want to take some time before you make the final decision). Fool me twice...! And both the times, you had to find out while she was trying very hard to hide this stuff. How did you find out this time ? Next time, she will just get better at hiding


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## Simple kind of man (Oct 22, 2012)

How long were the calls?
Why did she even answer the phone?
Why didn't she immediately tell you that he was trying to contact her and that she wanted nothing to do with it?

She's hiding it from you and she's lying to your face about it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She feels I am being unfair because she actually did not "do" anything apart from trying to convince the guy that a serious relationship between them is not possible.
> 
> She is lying...I am 100% sure about it.. And it is not even unfair if she is taking so many calls to "convince him" either...She is obviously enjoying the talks and is hiding something more
> 
> ...


Expose today to friends and family, do you know the om?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you deside to try and work this out, then I suggest a polygraph for your wife. Also I would think that the both of you call OM and confront him, have your wife write a no contact letter and you send it. 

Have you tried to plant a VAR?


If you do lean towards leaving then I suggest you chill out act like all is good and keep investigating.....the information you gather will either validate your next step or confirm your wifes commitment. In short give her enough rope to hanger her self.

Is the OM single?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

She is lying, lower the boom on her. Do you have kids?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well she broke her promise to you and that alone justifies you to divorce her and move on. When you said "torrid", I'm assuming you meant a very physical affair. For me being physical multiple times, that's generally a deal breaker that requires divorce. However, if you can live with that, then it's fine. What gets me is the continued contact; I never understood the whole closure thing. Once you disclose you your BS about an affair and promise "No Contact", what is the value of closure other than to get another fix. I just don't fvcking get it. So, I say she is lying to you. I would ask her to see all the texts. If she doesn't do it, then you know where you stand.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

She's still carrying on with it in some regard...at a minimum "in her head". 

This is easy. "It's over" means just that. "Do not contact me again" means just that. She does not owe him soothed feelings, explanations, or anything else. He got involved with a married woman. He knew the risks.

No contact means just that. She either goes completely NC with this guy, and drops off the face of the earth as far as he's concerned, or you come down on her like a ton of bricks.

It's not that hard. Tell her to stop answering his calls, texts, emails, etc. It is just that simple.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

fir said:


> But I made one point very clear that she could not be in touch with him henceforth in any way...


It's *very clear* that she *was in touch* with the other man, henceforth.

Now, are you a man of your word? Are you a paper tiger? Do you mean what you say?

*On this, she will judge you.*

T


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## fir (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks for the replies guys. To answer your questions:

@Cubby: This is her call record. The longest call was 25 minutes and the shortest for a minute
Calls	SMS
Oct	12	50
Sep	1	16
Aug	0	0
July	4	75
June	0	0
May	0	0

About the OM
-------------
He is a strange sod. He doesn't work and claims to have a fortune stacked up (which I doubt) but his wife has a very good job. He has a bohemian lifestyle, travelling a lot on pleasure. It seems they have a dont ask/dont tell kind of policy between the husband and wife. I had told his wife the first time around and she seemed upset more from my point of view than anything else. So, as I said, it is very strange. I had socially interacted with them a few times before the affair happened but dont know them or their circle of friends very well.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How long did the affair go ? 

Looks like one of those wacky couples in open relationships, only with absolutely no integrity. Have you considered exposing him at work place and his family ? Have you confronted him about it ?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

fir said:


> Thanks for the replies guys. To answer your questions:
> 
> @Cubby: This is her call record. The longest call was 25 minutes and the shortest for a minute
> Calls SMS
> ...


 Well to me what you have to do is clear; you tell her all contact ends immediately and you want to see the texts or you throw her and her stuff into the street. Then you get on the phone and let everyone know how "badly she behaved".


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How long did the affair go ?
> 
> Looks like one of those wacky couples in open relationships, only with absolutely no integrity. Have you considered exposing him at work place and his family ? Have you confronted him about it ?


You have nothing to lose at this point other than kicking her out.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Ever had a woman reject your advances?

Did it take 32 calls?

After she turned you down, did SHE keep calling YOU to reject you over and over again?

Your wife still is interested in this guy and likely still is physically having sex with him.

Don't make statements like you KNOW she's never cheated before unless you have a tape of her telling that to a priest on her deathbed.

You have no basis to believe her story. You told her no contact and she had contact anyway. Time to enforce whatever consequences you gave her.

Do you have kids? That's the only reason I could see for trying to work it out but, no matter what, I think a hard line is called for. 

She must know that she can manipulate you or she is not that afraid of losing you. 

Many if not most men, especially if no kids are involved, would just move on after the cheating. You gave her a second chance and she still had contact with the guy and hid it from you.

So she figures that she can do whatever she wants, lie to you, cheat on you, and she always will be able to manipulate you into accepting it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Well she broke her promise to you and that alone justifies you to divorce her and move on. When you said "torrid", I'm assuming you meant a very physical affair. For me being physical multiple times, that's generally a deal breaker that requires divorce. However, if you can live with that, then it's fine. What gets me is the continued contact; I never understood the whole closure thing. Once you disclose you your BS about an affair and promise "No Contact", what is the value of closure other than to get another fix. I just don't fvcking get it. So, I say she is lying to you. I would ask her to see all the texts. If she doesn't do it, then you know where you stand.


I would ask her to take a polygraph if you still want to r with her, I wouldn't after all the lies.


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## fir (Oct 31, 2012)

@warlock07: The total duration of interaction was for around 4 months. The emotional angle started probably 1-2 months of knowing each other socially. The physical part was over a 3 week period.

I have not considered exposing them yet. One issue with this is, who do I expose them to? I barely know a couple of their friends. I had briefly confronted him the first time around and he was trying to be apologetic but I was so angry that I did not give him much chance to speak.


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## fir (Oct 31, 2012)

I have a 4 year old kid whom I simply adore and die for but the kid is very attached to his mother also. This is making it hard for me...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

fir said:


> I have a 4 year old kid whom I simply adore and die for but the kid is very attached to his mother also. This is making it hard for me...


It depends how much more disrespect and lying are you willing to take and don't think kids aren't perceptive enough to see this.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

My wife of 6 years had a torrid, albeit brief, affair in February this year. When I found out about it I was devastated and there was this period of massive emotional turbulence. Eventually I decided to forgive her and move on, 

*Error #1. It is impossible to forgive and move on immediately. Probably impossible after five years as well. Way to soon.*

as she convinced me that it was a very brief spur of the moment thing 

*Error #2. When is a cheating spouse forthcoming?*

and I knew for a fact that she had been faithful till that point. 

*Error #3. Anyone who says this is just foolish, period!!*

But I made one point very clear that she could not be in touch with him henceforth in any way -- which I thought is an obvious pre-requisite to move on. 

*Error #4. We now know how meaningful your boundaries were.*

A couple of days back I found out that she has been communicating with him over phone calls and SMS -- around 20 calls this month and 12 the month before. 

*Error #5 DUH!!*

On confronting her on this, she is saying that this guy was pestering her to restart the relationship and she was arguing with him that it is not worth it.

*Error #6. All cheating spouses are HONEST!!*

It seems to me that my wife was open to the idea of a casual occasional non-physical "friendship" thingy continuing while the guy wanted more (which she was against and hence all the debate over calls). She says, and I tend to believe her on this, that she never met the guy during this time.

*Error #7. If only I had some useless swampland to sell you.*

On my part, I can understand a couple of calls to tell off someone or to achieve closure. I feel very very cheated given the amount of communication which she had and which she took pains to conceal from me. I feel that if she had the same love and respect for me as I have for her and if she valued our marriage as strongly as I do, she should have told the guy off and also been transparent about this to me.

*Error #8. You feel cheated, you should feel CUCKOLD!!*

I feel this is reason enough for me to call it quits. She feels I am being unfair because she actually did not "do" anything apart from trying to convince the guy that a serious relationship between them is not possible. The reason she did not tell me about these communication was because she was "handling" the issue herself and did not want to upset me. 

*Error #9. What a kind and remorseful wife you have, NOT*

She really wants continue the marriage.

What should I do?

*Error #10. After reading the above I would expect you to ask that. *


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

show her what you think of her honesty by doing a DNA test on your kid.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

It doesn't make sense, because it is not true. Don't ever forget that or let someone think there is something wrong with u for thinking it doesn't make sense when it doesn't. 

Stick by that rule and you will get to the truth.

She is definitely up to something...it just depends if you are ready to find out. 

Don't let her think you don't believe her, or are questioning her, nod in agreement, believable agreement, maybe a little raised eyebrow or vague question and let her brush it off. Then you need to snoop like mad, spyware definitely on the phone so you can read the texts. You will then catch her pretty quick. 

....have you asked to see her phone and texts yet? Like demanded? Because as a cheater she should be being transparent and showing you all this communication to set your mind at rest? Right? Don't tell me, they are all deleted!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> show her what you think of her honesty by doing a DNA test on your kid.


Contact his wife again. His sorrow to you re the affair seems to have faded, somewhat. Time for him to see the consequences of his actions re cheating on a family with kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

fir said:


> @warlock07: The total duration of interaction was for around 4 months. The emotional angle started probably 1-2 months of knowing each other socially. The physical part was over a 3 week period.
> 
> I have not considered exposing them yet. One issue with this is, who do I expose them to? I barely know a couple of their friends. I had briefly confronted him the first time around and he was trying to be apologetic but I was so angry that I did not give him much chance to speak.


These guys are snakes(Is that insulting the snakes?). We have one other poster who's OM cried and thanked him for not exposing him to his wife.. Few months later, the affair resumed.


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## fir (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, the calls and texts are all deleted. She deleted them as soon as she read it (also the call logs on her phone). I found out accidentally while glancing through her phone bill (for changing her plan) and noticing the number.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You have two choices.

You can either end this marriage because you feel too betrayed (your call, not mine, not anyone else's)....

or you can firmly demand she stop all contact forever, and hold her to that.

There are no other options. If you *****-foot around and don't be firm with her about this affair, she will just walk all over you and it will just get worse.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

fir said:


> I have a 4 year old kid whom I simply adore and die for but the kid is very attached to his mother also. This is making it hard for me...


Where do you draw the line then ? I am guessing you never found out the complete truth the first time either..


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man, she's going to leave and you're keeping the kid. Here are the conditions:

1. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

2. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

3. She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts.

4. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

5. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

6. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness.

7. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful, not interested in committing to you, just interested in appeasing you with words. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which if you really look at them are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and place it under the seat of her car. Also keylog her computer and monitor phone bills. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

If it weren't for the kid, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth. 

If you think it would help, expose the affair to her and your families and friends. Tell them other man's name, that your wife admitted that she had an affair, still is in contact, and you have no way of knowing that the affair still is going on or not but that based on the length and number of communication still going on between them, you think it probably is. Ask for their support of your marriage and your family. *Definitely do this if you find out the affair is ongoing. *

I think the affair never ended, maybe took a short break, but they still are meeting up for sex. That's based on hundreds or thousands of stories on this website and my reading of your situation through your post. They were physical once, if they are still in constant contact, it isn't just to talk - it is to hook up. If you found 32 calls, there probably were many more that you didn't find that were made via other avenues. *In any event, I KNOW that your wife's story about needing 32 phone contacts to tell the other guy they can't have a relationship is a big whopping lie.*


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

As someone else posted, contact his wife again. Let her know there is continued contact. Keep it short unless she wants to know more. See if she lets slip with any additional details.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

fir said:


> Yes, the calls and texts are all deleted. She deleted them as soon as she read it (also the call logs on her phone). I found out accidentally while glancing through her phone bill (for changing her plan) and noticing the number.


They could also be texting using the data plan(which will not show up on the bill)..What phone does she have ? How can you confirm that they did not meet again ?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

fir said:


> I knew for a fact that she had been faithful till that point.


 Really? 

Just like you knew for a fact that she hadn't cheated - UNTIL YOU FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAD!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If she is continuing contact with him for whatever reason the affair is not over in her mind. Why would she be trying to convince him of anything if she valued her marriage? Why would she even answer the phone or return and email if she respected you and was over him? She should have just ignored all his attempts at contact but she could not bring herself to do that.

Continued contact means no respect or love for you. She knew you would be hurt all over again but did it anyway.

I think you are justified in divorce. You gave her a second chance and she threw it back in your face.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look. I really appreciate all the posters above me who have suggested that you confront her with an ulimatum. But really? Let's examin this rationally. You already had that confrontation and you already set a boundry and she decided you didn't mean it and she broke it. Now you are proving that she is correct!

I know you would like to have your marriage work out.I personally would not want to continue in a relationship with her; but, that is your choice. The only way to have this work ut is to file for divorce and mean it. She has seen no concequences for her actions. Only meaningless threats from you that show you are a doormat. Your ONLY hope is to show her you are willing to live without her. 
1)See a lawyer and learn your rights. File and have her served.
2) Expose to her family, your family, your an her friends.
3) Do the "180" while working on yourself.
4) IF and ONLY IF there is true genuine remorse and total transparency should you even consider a third chance for her. (you already gave her her second chance when you confronted her).

Remember, you can always call of the divorce, w=even at the last minute.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Look. I really appreciate all the posters above me who have suggested that you confront her with an ulimatum. But really? Let's examin this rationally. You already had that confrontation and you already set a boundry and she decided you didn't mean it and she broke it. Now you are proving that she is correct!
> 
> I know you would like to have your marriage work out.I personally would not want to continue in a relationship with her; but, that is your choice. The only way to have this work ut is to file for divorce and mean it. She has seen no concequences for her actions. Only meaningless threats from you that show you are a doormat. Your ONLY hope is to show her you are willing to live without her.
> 1)See a lawyer and learn your rights. File and have her served.
> ...


Yep. She understands english right?
So you told her you had a firm boundary and there would be sonesquences - yet she ignored your demands. 

People fall in love, or lust, or jusr CHANGE every day. Your wife has done all three. It is obvious even to the most casual observer whats going on YET you want to issue MORE conditions. 

WHY? are you going to use a different language this time. You think its over between them and its taking MONTHS and 32 messages to say "LISTEN you butthead, you help me to almost ruin my marriage. GET LOST!"

Why does it take that many giggling texts to say no (if you even believe that - because i dont- not one bit).

Unless you TAKE BOLD STEPS rather than issue more warnings you will be here for months explaing how progress is being made - because the monthly texts are down to 30.

Your situation is sad, very sad - but you did not cause it. Yet its only you that seems to want to do something about it. 

Well you have 3 pages of solid proven steps you should take. Taking them will SAVE you and maybe - just maybe - your marriage.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Will_Kane said:


> Get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man, she's going to leave and you're keeping the kid. Here are the conditions:
> 
> 1. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.
> 
> ...





> If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful, not interested in committing to you, just interested in appeasing you with words. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which if you really look at them are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.
> 
> If she does agree, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and place it under the seat of her car. Also keylog her computer and monitor phone bills. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.
> 
> Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.


Will Kane got it 100% correct. I'm just *QFT* (quoting for truth)/


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm really sorry. She's lying to you and still in the "affair fog" and giving you lies!

You have to decide whether to buckle down on her or file for divorce. This is no way your fault in any way possible. She is choosing this other man over you. Again, I'm sorry.

My ex h cheated on me, lied about it and then said it was my fault. This was before cell phones and Internet. I was able to find solid proof he cheated. After I left him is when I found out he slept with many women. 19 years later he's still cheating today. He got caught 3 times and I know about them.

Cheating is my number 1 deal breaker with NO second chances.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest the following actions:

1. She must give up her phone #. she can have a new phone with only basic service - no texting.

2. she must tell you now each and everytime he tried to contact her. she doesn't respond or answer him.

3. post him on cheaterville.com - send your wife and his wife the link.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm with KanDo on this one. Yo already caught her once and gave her a second chance. Yet she managed to fawk that up as well. Dump her stuff at the boyfriends house and divorce the skank.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

My jaw dropped when i read this:



> and I knew for a fact that she had been faithful till that point.


As far as i know i have never been cheated on. But i would never say these words about my partner... I know for a fact she hasn't cheated...

No guy can know for a fact this you just said. Not even guys like me who have never had reasons to suspect foul play. And here it is, a guy who has just found out his wife is cheating on him, saying he knows for a fact that she was faithful until this point!!

You gave her a condition. No contact. Condition broken. Now what? Are you ready to be a cuckhold?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Look. I really appreciate all the posters above me who have suggested that you confront her with an ulimatum. But really? Let's examin this rationally. You already had that confrontation and you already set a boundry and she decided you didn't mean it and she broke it. Now you are proving that she is correct!
> 
> I know you would like to have your marriage work out.I personally would not want to continue in a relationship with her; but, that is your choice. The only way to have this work ut is to file for divorce and mean it. She has seen no concequences for her actions. Only meaningless threats from you that show you are a doormat. Your ONLY hope is to show her you are willing to live without her.
> 1)See a lawyer and learn your rights. File and have her served.
> ...


If you look at the BS that have had success, this is what you need to do. No playing around. You may not have to file but at least go to a legal consultation and bring it home. Tell her you want her to move out and you want to file for a D. Her reaction will tell you everything. She is back in contact and is lying to you. The calls and the texts have increased. She thinks she is past and now wants him back.

If you allow to continue you will be doing this for months or even years. Do not play games.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let's talk turkey.

fir, we know why you are extending the olive branch yet again.

You are afraid. And you are right to be. The future which you held in your heart for so long, of growing old with this person, of sitting next to her while your daughter goes down the aisle in her own marriage...of golfing Scotland while she buys new tartan skirts (okay, maybe not THAT specific one). Anyway, your future is now shattered.

And we all can plainly see what your future *COULD* be: an estranged daughter you see monthly...until she hits teen years and starts acting...well, not to put too fine a point on it, but like her mother, a crappy apartment, alimony, sadness, lonliness, your wife finding Daddy Warbucks with a 10 inch pianist (not sure of that last spelling...) 

Who the hell wants that??? NOONE. Better the slightly respectful contempt of your spouse with the occasional bout of sex and strained dinner conversations that no one listens to. At least you still LOOK intact. At least your daughter doesn't need frequent flier miles to see you. At least you are with someone who PRETENDS to care...and who knows. It might be slightly true.

And I'll tell you, if I was given the choice of plan A with the crappy apartment and your current plan B, I'd pick plan B every time. No question about it. There is a lot of emotional damage you'll be taking, but it is better then sinking into oblivion in an apartment where no one knows or cares about you.

And I won't lie to you: it IS possible, that plan A.

Then why is everyone telling you to take steps which lead to plan A?

They have been through it (I have not. I am an internet troll and anything I say to you should be not only ignored, but sealed and buried somewhere...so you only have yourself to blame if you keep reading)

They know, that there is a plan C. This plan is similar to my father's experiences. He married a cheatin slvt (Hi Mom!) and divorced. It was hard. He had a bunch of fights leading up to it. He bought her a house in a neighborhood she always wanted so she'd get her head out of her butt.

It didn't work.

And for a while, he was alone...for about a year. Because Dad, while not perfect, wasn't a bad guy. And he found a woman who wasn't daunted by having not one, but TWO damaged pre-teens to deal with. They married and they loved and supported one another.

He died, still married to the same woman, but with two more kids.

I won't lie and say his life was perfect. But he found a balanced life with a good deal of contentment in it. That is Plan C.

It exists.

You do not need to fear the future.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

fir said:


> A couple of days back I found out that she has been communicating with him over phone calls and SMS -- around 20 calls this month and 12 the month before.


 It takes only one call to tell him that for the sake of her marraige she cannot talk to him ever again. Every call after the first one was to maintain the relationship long term for when things cool down and you drop your guard. 



fir said:


> On confronting her on this, she is saying that this guy was pestering her to restart the relationship and she was arguing with him that it is not worth it.


 She is telling you to your face that this guy is flat out "pestering her" to f*ck her again. Since when was it alright for a married woman not to hang up on such a person? If they are done, what is there for her to be arguing about with him? Clearly they are not done and you know it.

The bottom line is, what are you going to do about it? Talking to her is not working.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why is it that the betrayed can talk and talk and talk, but once the 180 is implimented, divorce papers are floating around the house with words on them that read "division of assets", "custody", and "allienation of affection" then the wayward starts to turn a corner/get off the fence?

I guess I can answer my own question....actions speak louder then words!!!!!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> Why is it that the betrayed can talk and talk and talk, but once the 180 is implimented, divorce papers are floating around the house with words on them that read "division of assets", "custody", and "allienation of affection" then the wayward starts to turn a corner/get off the fence?
> 
> I guess I can answer my own question....actions speak louder then words!!!!!


On both sides.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Gee...I wonder why she would delete all of those texts back and forth? I think I've got like a bajillion texts cuz I never NEED to delete them. 

Makes one wonder, doesn't it?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> *Gee...I wonder why she would delete all of those texts back and forth?* I think I've got like a bajillion texts cuz I never NEED to delete them.
> 
> Makes one wonder, doesn't it?


They're weighty texts so a reasonable excuse is that they weigh too much. A real burden to carry around.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Gee...I wonder why she would delete all of those texts back and forth? I think I've got like a bajillion texts cuz I never NEED to delete them.
> 
> Makes one wonder, doesn't it?


Ha, I have over ten thousand on this phone, about the same on my old one. I'm starting to push the limit on memory, I actually will have to delete some at some point soon!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> Let's talk turkey.
> 
> fir, we know why you are extending the olive branch yet again.
> 
> ...


Preach my brother, preach!

For an Internet troll, you write some really good sh!t.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

We trolls have little else to do while waiting for the goats to cross the bridge so we refine our prose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

And I forgot to mention plan D, in which the who....horse DOES sing and you actually reconcile. So there are two wins (new life or reconcile) vs one loss (plan A) and one status quo (plan B)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SadandAngry said:


> Ha, I have over ten thousand on this phone, about the same on my old one. I'm starting to push the limit on memory, I actually will have to delete some at some point soon!


Cheater...:lol:


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

That plan C thing.. For me that is a plan to get a plan. 

For so long I was unable to look past next Monday. The world collapsed. I had been retrenched the week before my Dday so it was not a good time. 
I really fought for my marriage but when I look back now I wonder what was worth fighting for. 
I look at her now and there is someone there that I barely recognise The old one, you know, the one that loved me, has gone.
Then thinking back not one,two years, but many more and there is a realization that she hadn't loved me for such a long time that I had grown used to it. Grown used to the uncomfortable silence and hanging off the side of the bed. Grown used to being told that I hadn't provided her with enough and taking it on.

It has taken me almost two years but now there is plan C. It feels good to wander home, cook dinner for the kids and then do what the hell I please. 

You already gave her a chance and she decided to rip your heart out again. I know all about that because I Intercpeted actual plans to decieve me which gave me the step ahead that BS so rarely have. It also gave me a peak inside thier world. A world where. The kids will get used to it. They will like you AP. Really they will. She would lie to me, staright at me. Not a flicker of love or consideration. It was, and is, all about her needs and her wants, it doesn't matter a damn about yours or the kid.

It is up to you what you do, but don't do things to save her. 
You will have to accept that you are going to lose at least 50% access to your kid. It will probably be more, since a 4 year old identifies witn Mom, but over time you can build that relationship. 
It's easy to build really. Act with integrity. That's it. nothing more. You make a mistake you admit it. They move on. 

Your wife can do that too. Thing is, she is choosing not to. She is choosing to continue the affair. It is selfish and petulant. It is immature and sickening, foul and loathsome behaviour which impacts on the emotional and financial security of her child. She may come around yet, you never know. 

Know that there is a plan C though.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

*Another hit and run poster.
Elvis has left the building.*

5 posts in less than 2 hours and then gone. It has been days. Nothing to see here, move along.


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