# In 22days married 10yrs and he wants out



## almostmadeit (Jul 5, 2012)

This is my first post and Im in desperate need of advice. My husband and I have been together 12 years and in 22days we will be married for 10. We got together when I was 17 and he was 21. We have a 10yr old son and a 9 year old daughter. Things have been up and down for most of our relationship but we have always persevered and made it work. We have both cheated (at the beginning of the relationship) and both chose to work through it and stick together. We are best friends and have always had a healthy sex life. Lately things have been tense as we moved to a new state and are trying to adjust. 
Lately we have fought over stupid petty things, the fight lasts about an hour and then we are back to normal. The one consistant argument has been that he can not let go of the fact that I was unfaithful (though I never throw it in his face that he was as well). I dont get mad when he brings it up as I know I did something wrong and want him to be okay, to trust me.
This morning he asked me to do something, when I didnt do it the way he wanted he blew up, things were thrown, words were said and when it got too heated he told me and the kids to leave, as he was scared a neighbor may have called the police and didnt want us here if they showed up. Being new here I only knew of one place to go, his sisters. When he showed up over there about two hours later he could tell they knew we had been fighting and he was mad. He told me he wants a divorce, I had no right to tell other people our problems, he said alot of hateful mean things and then left. I found him about an hour or two later and asked if we could talk. NO was the answer. I asked him if he still loves me at all and he flatly said NO. 
Part of me thinks that this has been a long time coming due to his inability to let go of the past, but a bigger part of me wonders how can you be so in love one day (yesterday...it was an amazing day together and we were both very affectionate and lovey dovey) to having no feelings at all the next day? I dont want a divorce I dont even want him to not be here tonight. He got some of his clothes and "moved" in with his sister and told me he would pick up the rest of his things this weekend. I dont know what to do I love him so very much. I know we have issues and some of them are big ass issues but I know we have a deep love that cant possibly be gone. How can I get him to see that what we have is worth working for? How can I live without him? Someone please help, I am devistated and heartbroken. I just want him to walk through the door and have our life be the way it was yesterday. I know him better than anyone and I think he meant what he said, I just dont understand how that can be possible.


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## almostmadeit (Jul 5, 2012)

anyone? anyone at all?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

back off & give him space, leave him alone for awhile, let him sort this out on his own, dont pressure him


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## almostmadeit (Jul 5, 2012)

I am trying. Its so hard. We have spent literally nearly every day for 12 years together. I do appreciate the advice though. I wrote a note to him and gave it to him when he picked up the kids to go watch fireworks like 5 min ago. In the letter I basically told him that I take responsibility for my faults in the marriage, and told him how much I love him and want him to come home. Guess maybe that wasnt a good idea. He wouldnt come inside just stayed at the door waiting on our son. I told him I love him and he looked at me like he wanted to say it back, but didn't. He said he would bring the kids back when the fireworks were over. After I shut the door I heard my little boy tell him that he needed to read mom's letter, then he said "Dad, I miss you already." I hate that my kids have to go through this, and Im worried that Im not strong enough for all three of us to get through this if he doesnt decide to come back home. Its not a home without him, its just a place. I love him soo much and feel like I'm losing not only my husband but my best friend at the same time. I want to celebrate on the 26th (our ten yr wedding anniversary) not mourn a marriage I couldnt make work. Starting to wonder if I will ever run out of tears.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi almost and welcome.Sorry about your situation and the pain you're feeling.You say you and your H worked through the affairs you both had at the beginning of your relationship,so exactly how was that.Was there IC and/or MC? Were you both completely open and honest to one another at the time? The reason I ask is because you said he won't let it go.Btw it might be a little slow on here right now,being the 4th and all,but if you hang in I'm sure you'll get some good advice.Take care.


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## almostmadeit (Jul 5, 2012)

We were honest with eachother and took a small break. During the break we both realized we didnt want to be apart and needed eachother. I think the reason he holds onto it is due to his insecurity issues. He is a very good looking man and a wonderful person, but the abuse he suffered as a kid has followed him into adulthood and manifested into some serious insecurities. 

He just brought the kids back and I tried to talk to him. He says he doesnt want a divorce but isnt sure our marriage is healthy for either of us. We have always been intense lovers and that can lead to intense fights. I understand that but I also think that because we love eachother so intensely we should take that intensity and use it to fight for our marriage. 

I would do just about anything to keep us together, but I dont want to push him into or back into something that will never make him happy. Im so lost.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

almostmadeit said:


> We were honest with eachother and took a small break. During the break we both realized we didnt want to be apart and needed eachother. I think the reason he holds onto it is due to his insecurity issues. He is a very good looking man and a wonderful person, but the abuse he suffered as a kid has followed him into adulthood and manifested into some serious insecurities.
> 
> He just brought the kids back and I tried to talk to him. He says he doesnt want a divorce but isnt sure our marriage is healthy for either of us. We have always been intense lovers and that can lead to intense fights. I understand that but I also think that because we love eachother so intensely we should take that intensity and use it to fight for our marriage.
> 
> I would do just about anything to keep us together, but I dont want to push him into or back into something that will never make him happy. Im so lost.


Has he received any counseling to help him deal with his insecurities and childhood abuse? Negative things that happen in childhood can send us down a dark and lonely path in life and I feel bad that your H is suffering because of it.I've dealt with abuse and abandonment issues in my life that caused me to push away so many people that truly loved me,because I didn't think I was really worth it.I think you both would benefit from professional counseling as it can help steer the love you have for one another in the right direction.


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## almostmadeit (Jul 5, 2012)

I wish I could get him to go. He was on some medications for his anger and mood swings at one point but then it seemed he did better when he was off so he would go back and forth on and off the meds. 

I dont want to blame him for everything, I know I have to take responsibilities for our problems too, its just so hard to get him to communicate without anger. I love him soo much, tonight will be the first night in years we havent slept in the same bed. Im just lost. I was so young when we got together I dont know how to be without him. My heart is breaking and theres nothing I can do to stop it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Thought I would just pop on here before I sign off to give you a website both you and your husband might have a look at if he is unsure about therapy.HAVOCA Hope it can give you some incite and hope you can find your way together.Peace.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

My situation mirrored yours except I was the mean spouse & we were about 7 years in. We married young too & have 1 son (She got pregnant on the honeymoon, I swear. My awakening came when I got into target shooting & my wife told me she was a concerned for her safety that I was buying a gun. That flipped the proverbial switch on for me. I was one of those guys? Sure me & my wife had been in some heated shouting matches, & I can say the absolute meanest things knowing her every flaw, but I would never...

I made a conscience decision to seek help. My doctor has tried different combos of meds & couple that with more age & patience, I have overcome my aggressiveness. Does that mean we never argue? No, but nothing like before, & now I know when to give in. My anger is genetic as my mother has the absolute worse mood swings, bordering bipolar, but she'll never admit to it.

Point is, he is going to have to want to change. You can't force him only guide him to realize how his destructive behavior is affecting your young family. Will it be too late? That I don't know. I am sure he will get all nostalgic over the 10 year anniversary & come around. You need to have a long talk about him trying more meds. If needed, use your phone & record him yelling at you, & then you crying. Play it back when you are on good terms & talking about your marriage peacefully. Maybe his switch can be flipped too...Good Luck


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## almostmadeit (Jul 5, 2012)

Thank you for that. I stopped by his work this morning to take him breakfast...well that was the cover...I just wanted to see him. He walked up and I started bawling. He says he loves me and doesnt want a divorce but he doesnt want to hurt me anymore.He wants to do it right, so he is not coming home right away but we are going to have lunch and talk. He said he had a dream last night that I met someone else and started a new relationship, he said he woke up and realized that he doesn't want that to happen. He wants to be the man I deserve to have. He wants to be that "new man" I fall for.
I just hope that he remembers that the next time his mood takes a nosedive. People tell me that I'd be stupid to take him back because he got physical, but I understand that there is an underlying mental illness. I am not making excuses for him, but I know both sides of the man and I love him for who he is good and bad. The fact that he sees that he has a problem is enough for me to hold onto.


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

I hope it works out. I know the feeling he has when he flips out. To us, it just happens & we are overcome with pure anger & can't let anything go. Then you cool off & come back like nothing ever happened... Sound familiar? Meds are the only thing that helps. For me I take 20mg citlopram & 10mg of wellubutrin. Also a great side effect... Controlled climaxes, means as much stamina as needed in the bedroom. If you are passionate lovers, as I tend to think couples who argue a lot are, it makes for an awesome sex life. Maybe you can sell that side of it to him. I know with SSRI'S, everyone is different, so his results can vary.


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