# Do I always have to be wrong?



## DuoMaxwell (Jul 13, 2013)

Hi all,

Long time reader of the forum but first time poster! (Not even sure I'm allowed to be here as I don't actually get married for another 18 days!)

Anyway, I'll keep it short;

My fiancé and I live about 3300 miles apart - her on the East coast of America, and me in the UK. As such, our relationship involves a couple of weeks visiting every few months, and the rest of the time constantly texting each other - which causes lots of issues (mis-typed texts get taken the wrong way, correctly typed texts get mis-interpreted etc) Anyway, my biggest ask is - as a guy, do I ALWAYS have to be in the wrong? Even when I'm not?

Occasionally I mess up and say the wrong thing or forget to do something / say something, and yeah I get told I'm an ass and get the silent treatment or we argue or whatever for days, but a lot of the time it's also her being an arse to me, saying hurtful things, and then apologising most the time. When she does this, I forget about it pretty quickly, move on, and forget about it. But when it's the other way around, it's veeeeery different.

We will have countless conversations about having a family and our future together - and she will tell me how attractive it is and how much she loves the fact I can talk about such things with her, and how most guys don't - and I reply with "But I'm not most guys". But then even after doing this 10 times, the 1 time she mentions it and I add the caveat of "but not yet" for kids - which is something we've both agreed with - she flips out and accuses me of being negative? Then that opens a can of worms about how I'm negative about everything (not true - she is more negative than me, like 9:1 ratio) and she will bring up old arguments and use them as ammo against me, and will forget about all the positive and nice conversations we've had about the subject, and will just focus on the negative ones. And of course it's always my fault, because she doesn't forget that ONE comment I made when I was upset/angry.. Yet all the hurtful stuff she's said to me, I forget, and if I do bring it up, she denies she ever said it, can't remember it etc.

So I guess I'm just wondering, is this something that will get better with time, or will this carry on for the whole marriage?

I know it's hard to gauge as we're not like this in person, but at the moment it's still 8 days until we're back together, and all these conversations have a damaging affect on our relationship - i.e she remembers then and adds them together every time we argue.

FYI - She's 23 and I'm 26, so although she's had more relationships than me, I think when it comes to some world experience she isn't as mature as me. 

I'm not sure what to get out of this post, I guess it's more of a vent than anything else!

Thanks for reading


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

DuoMaxwell said:


> So I guess I'm just wondering, is this something that will get better with time, or will this carry on for the whole marriage?


It will get worse. You are still not in the companionate stage of a relationship. You're in the romantic part, and the power struggles are already in place. If you stick it out long enough, it may change, but you will have to change things soon, stick with those changes, and expect a LOT of problems as you do. For many couples, this spells breakup.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with Kathy. You both are trying to find your identities in your relationship right now. You sound exactly like I used to be and your wife sounds like what my husband used to be like. 

You relationship has to mature before you both will start to respect each other and mould into a "well oiled machine". It takes time, patience, lots of communication and compromise. 

How long have you two been together?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I dated long distance for 2 years, while its normal to disagree in can count in one hand the fights or bigger arguments we had. If you are walking on egg shells now its going to get far more worst than you can imagine. Don't be afraid to end things or at least put the breakes. But I'm telling you now, you will be miserable. 
Read some post here, especially the ones who deal with a spouse with BPD. I hope you are mature enough to see what's good for you and that you always need to put yourself first. 

"No more Mr Nice guy" is also a good book for you to read I don't have the link but you can download the pDF for free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, that's the pattern established. You are always wrong and marriage will make it worse because the opportunities are endless. Remember a breakup is easier than a divorce.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Hi I married and English girl 27 years ago. I too have often felt like I am always wrong. I have to cave into her position or life is miserable. Because in her words I'm selfish, self-focused, mean spirited, thoughtless, blah, blah, blah. wonder how we have lasted so long....

My wife is a very good women. She is strong and independent in many ways to include a black and white view of the world. You will find there are many slight differences in the way you two were raised that will sneak in and trip you up. You won't see them until after they are a problem. They will be a big issue for you and she will hammer you down until you give in. You will lose a little of your self with each fight and each time you give in to preserve the peace she will lose a little respect for you. She can't truly love you if she can't respect you. 

This is a pattern that you will have to stop right now! You will have to learn to stand up for yourself from the start. If she doesn't like it too bad. You have to be ready to walk away in order for her to really compromise. You can make this work but not the way things are going now. You really have to live near each other for a long period of time and spend a lot of time together before you marry in my opinion or else you will regret it. 

Just wanting her to be happy because you love her will not be enough to have the marriage survive. I would suggest you both get into counseling. You both have serious communication issues that need to be worked through. You both need to learn how to resolve conflict in a constructive manner and to learn how to fight fair. Just to win or lose. 

My best wishes for you. Good Luck


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

DuoMaxwell said:


> Occasionally I mess up and say the wrong thing or forget to do something / say something, and yeah I get told I'm an ass and *get the silent treatment *or we argue or whatever for days, but a lot of the time it's also her being an arse to me, saying hurtful things, and then apologising most the time.


This is going to be your biggest problem. The silent treatment is a control tactic. You need communication to have a healthy relationship. How often does she do this? For how long does she stay silent?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP I'm afraid this really don't look good. It actually seem like she have some type of mental issue. If that true it will be heartbreak city for your life together. So sorry.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Long distance relationships are hard (not as hard as they were before texts and skype etc) and this can mean that small problems can get blown out of proportion.

If you are lucky enough to have a long marriage you will find that there will be things that you and your partner do not agree on, just because you do not agree does not mean that anyone is in the wrong you may just have different points of view. (you may like Barry White she may like Barry Manelow that does not mean that one is right and one is wrong just that neither of you has any taste in music lol).

IMHO there is nothing wrong in being the first to apologies but if the disagreement was not your fault then word it accordingly "I am sorry if you miss understood what I meant" or "I did not mean that to sound so harsh but it is what I believe". There will be lots of opportunities for disagreements on large and important issues over the course of your marriage (what country to live in / if or how many kids to have / which set of in-laws to spend Christmas with) so do try and get the little stuff dealt with as soon as possible (who sleeps what side of the bed / what TV station you watch).

Might I say that the fact that you are prepared to think about what you are doing and how it could impact your relationship does you credit. If more people starting out in relationships took just a little more time and effort into each other’s happiness I fell there would be more happy endings.

That could just be the eternal optimist in me talking.


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## DuoMaxwell (Jul 13, 2013)

Thanks for all your replies guys:



somethingelse said:


> How long have you two been together?


We first started speaking October 2011 - we've been romantically involved since probably June-August 2012?



mablenc said:


> I dated long distance for 2 years, while its normal to disagree in can count in one hand the fights or bigger arguments we had. If you are walking on egg shells now its going to get far more worst than you can imagine. Don't be afraid to end things or at least put the breakes. But I'm telling you now, you will be miserable.


Sometimes it has felt like walking on eggshells, but not all the time. 



mablenc said:


> Read some post here, especially the ones who deal with a spouse with BPD. I hope you are mature enough to see what's good for you and that you always need to put yourself first.


She does seem to be a bit BPD - in fact, she has often said her mom tells her she has it, and I guess she does to some degree, although not full on if that makes sense?

About putting ME first though - I have never done this, and don't really like to / know how to. I enjoy putting her first, it makes me happy to care for her and do things for her.




Satya said:


> I'm glad you posted here, that's a lot to be anxious about. Ex H and I were 23 when we married in the UK. I was the American. We had a LDR for 5 years and it was very challenging for us both. At the time there was less texting involved which I think can be a relationship killer because of the way things can so easily be misinterpreted. We argued a lot over the phone but we were both good communicators and would never hold grudges long. I think we were just so compatible that we were able to work through just about anything, but that our personalities made it so that it was inevitable we would start something, frequently. We were both very dominating young people. His problem was that he was NEVER wrong, could never be wrong, and never said "I'm sorry," ever.


Misinterpretation over text is 95% of our argument, we never argue on the phone really. We move past things, it sometimes takes her a couple of days to get over it, myself a lot less.

We are generally good communicators - but she's very subtle and doesn't spell things out, drops hints. I'm more of a tell it like it is, and have in the past read subtle hints wrong, so now I kind of ask her to spell it out to me, and she gets annoyed at that...



Vorlon said:


> Hi I married and English girl 27 years ago. I too have often felt like I am always wrong. I have to cave into her position or life is miserable. Because in her words I'm selfish, self-focused, mean spirited, thoughtless, blah, blah, blah. wonder how we have lasted so long....
> 
> My wife is a very good women. She is strong and independent in many ways to include a black and white view of the world. You will find there are many slight differences in the way you two were raised that will sneak in and trip you up. You won't see them until after they are a problem. They will be a big issue for you and she will hammer you down until you give in. You will lose a little of your self with each fight and each time you give in to preserve the peace she will lose a little respect for you. She can't truly love you if she can't respect you.
> 
> ...


I think you're right. Whilst I've not witnessed her acting like she's lost respect for me, I've heard of other women who basically push guys into doing what they want, and if they don't stand up for themselves they end it as it's not attractive to be with a guy without a backbone! Bit harsh really.

We do have different backgrounds and cultural differences which do come up sometimes, a lot of the time we can get around it although not always.

I think we do have communication issues sometimes, but it is hard to judge because we basically spend most of our communication texting, which isn't the best method!



SaltInWound said:


> This is going to be your biggest problem. The silent treatment is a control tactic. You need communication to have a healthy relationship. How often does she do this? For how long does she stay silent?


Actually, it's not really the silent treatment, she barely goes an hour before she gives in and has to talk to me again.. It's more a case of, not the silent treatment, but not talking about the topic for a few days, and being off with me before going back to it to finish it off, she lets it boil under the surface.



Wiltshireman said:


> OP,
> 
> Long distance relationships are hard (not as hard as they were before texts and skype etc) and this can mean that small problems can get blown out of proportion.
> 
> ...



Thanks, I too am optimistic about the whole thing, which for me, who is a natural extreme pessimist, is a big deal!


Our latest issue last night,a very lengthy argument (over text of course - I was at work) was that I'm too much of a realistic, and basically I shoot down her dreams. She likes to talk about the what ifs - getting a puppy for example, and I always respond with "we can't yet, we wont be able to look after it, not enough time for it etc" which she knows I'm right, and I might be right, but the problem is I'm basically being negative about it. She's a dreamer, I'm a realistic, the balance is good but can also make her feel like I'm being negative all the time, it's made her unhappy.

The other night she was talking about kids again, and for some reason I decided to re-iterate the "but not for like 5 years" bit, and that caused a problem. We fought, I thought she got over it. The next day she was upset, wouldn't tell me why, and said it was nothing.. but she was still upset about it. She spent the night hanging out with her ex, who, is constantly on a daily basis telling her "don't get married" and has basically decided he wants her back, despite ending it with her about 3 years ago. He also has a sex tape of them too, and likes to tell her constantly how he masturbates over it.. She says he's her best friend, they have a lot in common, I hate the fact she talks to him about stuff that bothers her instead of me. Apparently his respond to the whole kids thing was "I'm ready to have kids with you"

I trust her completely, I don't trust him. It can't be good for our relationship for her to fight with me, not talk to me about it, talk to him instead and with him basically trying constantly to get her back, and there's nothing I can do as I'm not even in the country.

I'm sure a lot of our issues will go away when we're together in person, but it's so hard right now. And last night she basically made it out as if she can never talk to me about certain things because of how I am, and how I'm negative all the time - but she is negative about soooo much stuff. I can't help being realistic, It's a tease to me talking about stuff that will never be able to happen, I didn't think this would be an issue in a relationship, but it sounds like it's a big deal for her.. 

I think it's the fact she's never been out in the real world, she's been spoilt by her parents and needs to grow up a bit, but she's really letting it affect our relationship. The fact I told her she'd be **** at looking after a dog probably didn't help - whoops! (This is because she's never had any pets, only thinks about the cuddley times and doesn't realistically think about all the other stuff).


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

DuoMaxwell said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Long time reader of the forum but first time poster! (Not even sure I'm allowed to be here as I don't actually get married for another 18 days!)
> 
> ...


Vent away 

Lots of red flags here:

She isn't as mature as you.
She gives you the silent treatment (emotional abuse).
She constantly brings up all of the things she thinks you do wrong & adds them together so the list keeps getting longer.
She is always right.
She is a liar - says she "forgot" things she says.
She is a negative person by your own admission.
You are hear venting to strangers about all of this.

You are young. There is no good reason to marry anybody much less a person that you may not be compatible with right now.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I feel bad saying this, because you haven't written much, but look into borderline personality disorder. I'm not sure why I'm being an armchair psychiatrist and theorizing about this, but there are things in your post that would make me very very nervous - especially the never being wrong, the control, the silent treatment, the re-writing conversations.

You're getting married so soon, and I'm sure you'll go ahead with it, but why aren't you living together first, especially since you don't really even know each other well, living so far apart?

Since for you, this marriage will be like advanced dating, DO NOT HAVE KIDS yet. It's great that you want them, but you have to determine if she would make a good mother, or a loon. But before that you have to see if you are happily married or if you find yourself walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around her anger, never knowing what's going to set her off, and soon you'll be monitoring what you say or do, for fear of her irrational anger.

If you start wondering whether you are justified to feel the way you do, over and over, because you just can't understand why she is so angry or holds onto it, or emotionally abuses you with the silent treatment, then you have to admit to yourself that although you saw the writing on the wall, and there were major red flags, you will need to jump ship. Don't become a shell of a person who you don't recognize or like because of her treatment of you.

If you are the type of person who feels "to death do us part" and will not leave this marriage no matter what kind of sh!t you are dealt, then you'd better not get married in 18 days.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I just read your latest response. DO NOT GET MARRIED. You have too many issues for a person who is not married yet. She is stressing me out. I can imagine what she's doing to you.

And if you _think _she has BPD and if her mother _thinks _she has BPD, then I'd say there is a very good chance she DOES have BPD. You have 17 days to read up on this. Read Uptown's posts here, like "my list of hell."

It is your duty and mature responsibility to understand what it is like to live with someone with BPD and it's not pretty at all.

Your good times with her, when she is kind enough to bestow you with kindness, will not make up for when she flips that switch. 

BPD is the biggest red flag I've read to save yourself and your sanity.


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## DuoMaxwell (Jul 13, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> I just read your latest response. DO NOT GET MARRIED. You have too many issues for a person who is not married yet. She is stressing me out. I can imagine what she's doing to you.
> 
> And if you _think _she has BPD and if her mother _thinks _she has BPD, then I'd say there is a very good chance she DOES have BPD. You have 17 days to read up on this. Read Uptown's posts here, like "my list of hell."
> 
> ...


I'll look into it, but I see it as more of a teenage angst / the frustration from being apart, as it makes it hard for both of us. She gets depressed and misses me really badly, and has a hard time dealing with it, and I think that causes her to start all these irrational thoughts...

I guess it's hard to compare it to a real relationship being in person, because we've spent so little time in person compared to most people.


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## DuoMaxwell (Jul 13, 2013)

Satya said:


> It's not my call, but I strongly advise against marrying her after reading your latest posts. There are so many red flags in your situation. The biggest for me is about having children. It eerily sounds like she might be setting out to trap you.
> 
> Also when you acknowledge that your happiness is dependant on (encouraged by) making HER happy? To a small degree is a healthy feeling, but she sounds so dominant a personality that your desires are a mere flicker. Oh dear, please work on your self esteem before anything else. Read this: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
> 
> Read her articles on BPD as well. I wish you all the best. X


Thanks - I've obviously worded my posts wrongly (this might be why we argue? haha) because she is NOT out to trap me - she just likes talking about the future with me, I think that's a good thing personally!

YES I do have self esteem issues and always have done all through life, it's gotten better / gets better the last few years,but is still my biggest issue I face in life. Being insecure damages my happiness and has a negative affect on any relationship I'm in, but I'm working on it.

I am looking into BPD stuff.


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## DuoMaxwell (Jul 13, 2013)

Satya said:


> It's not my call, but I strongly advise against marrying her after reading your latest posts. There are so many red flags in your situation. The biggest for me is about having children. It eerily sounds like she might be setting out to trap you.
> 
> Also when you acknowledge that your happiness is dependant on (encouraged by) making HER happy? To a small degree is a healthy feeling, but she sounds so dominant a personality that your desires are a mere flicker. Oh dear, please work on your self esteem before anything else. Read this: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
> 
> Read her articles on BPD as well. I wish you all the best. X


I think I've obviously worded my posts wrong about her (may be why we argue so much in text? haha) But she is NOT trying to trap me with kids! We like to talk about our future together, I.E a future a few years off, but still talk about it and look forward to it - I think that's a good thing really?

I will read your link, thanks. But yes I do need to work on my self esteem, I have always have low self esteem and been insecure and it has damaged every relationship I've been in and it's something I try to work on, I've gotten better the last few years after making some physical changes so that's helped.

I will look more closely into BPD, but right now I am 8 days away from spending 10 days with her in person before the wedding, so will see how things go in those days.

Most of our relationship / our problems have only ever happened when we're apart and texting each other only, when we're together it's perfect and we have none of these issues. At all. I think it's the distance and the texting that damages us, but seeing as that's 95% of the relationship it's a big issue right now, but not a permanent one. She's been under a lot of stress with basically single handily planning the wedding, so that didn't help.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

being depressed and missing you badly has NOTHING to do with never being wrong, the silent treatment, etc. you're making excuses for her behavior, which will be your pattern, if you marry her, and why you will tolerate it. because you'll think there's a grain of truth to what she's saying or why she is behaving this way, or that there is a justification for it.

Read up on BPD. one of the characteristics, I think, is pulling you close, then pushing you away, and fear of abandonment and dozens more. There's a book, "walking on eggshells." Read all you can so that you go into this with your eyes wide open. You cannot help a person with BPD, no matter how much you love her. It is a very difficult mental disorder to deal with.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

OP, I suggest waiting a bit longer for marriage, and really think if this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. She may change, she may not. If not, then Divorce will be pending, and each year it may get worse. If she is like this now, imagine when she has a mortgage, children and other financial matters over your head. What do you think will happen then? When you can see the big picture before it's too late, you have an advantage unlike many of us who have endured for years of big issues.

Please think about what you are getting yourself into before hastily marrying this woman. It's worth it believe me.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

run


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## ice (Jul 16, 2013)

Since I'm new here I also seek help, so I don't want to give you too much advice, but because I had same sort of issue, different scenario, before I got married, I can give you some information and you take it the way you want.

And NO, you don't always have to be wrong, and you probably are not.

I also have to mention some details about my issues so please read it all so you understand.

I got married 9 years ago and it happened after less than a year of some sort of relationship. You've been seeing each other for 2 years, but the actual relationship was happening just over few months. phone conversations count but to certain extent and have limitations especially those text messages - everything is easier said on paper or on screen and also easier misunderstood - full stop.

Other thing is the distance. I'm not saying it can't happened, what I think the problem would be for both of you is; what if you really got divorced what will one of you do if you not going to be in your own country. You or her would have to move back where you came from - it depends when it is going to happen if it will happen, and what you do then.

First thing first though. Remember that the most important person in your life is YOU, no one else. If you are not happy, no one around you will be happy. So if you are not happy now (obviously you are not), you will not be happy when you are married. 
I got married even against same advice as you are getting now and trust me the marriage was not what I wanted. It was OK though, so if you want it to be OK, then go ahead, but if you want it to be more than OK then DON'T !

For 4 years after my wedding it was going OK, ups and downs, sometimes it felt worse, but let's say it was OK. I started to really know my wife and even because of her I read lot of stuff about peoples behaviour. Her father is not the nicest person and he affected all of her childhood and it is inside her so what I was really learning about her was actually her past and behaviour of her dad (this affects me to this day). Also her star sign is Leo, if it rings a bell for you. I am an Aries and we should match together perfectly and I believe we do, but she is a Leo and that's part of the problem. You either know how to deal with them or you don't. And I don't but I'm learning slowly and painfully 

Now we have two kids (twins) and we love them so much, but not enough, because we don't love each other (it's always the one way love) then the children are not getting what they should and trust me they know, without us telling them. I would be divorced long ago if we did not have the kids, but I'm too afraid to do it now, because I don't want the kids end up like most of them with divorced parents do, and I love them so much that It would be the hardest thing to do in my whole life.

As someone here mentioned you have to respect yourself and be respected, but if you are not respected in every way then the other person does not deserve you.

In simple words we are people, we are not perfect. If you understand this which I believe you do, at least from what you said, then you are good, but if the other person does not realise that you can actually make mistakes then it's not worth spending any more time with her.

Next few lines is probably what you are experiencing ->
I am still the one, in my family, who is wrong, even I know that I'm not. But you can't force some one think otherwise if they don't listen to them selfs. I "started to believe"  that my wife is a god  "she is never wrong, she does everything right and she never makes mistakes"  well, it's all BULL….
I do lot around my family and pretty much that's the only priority in my life, to make them happy, to make their life beautiful. With all this effort and things that I'm doing I'm allowed to make mistakes, which are often so small or not even important that they are not even worth mentioning, but we would argue about them very badly and my wife never says sorry - and I mean NEVER, not once. I'm the one who use to apologise, even though it was not me who did something wrong, but not anymore, as I don't feel that I should be the one apologising. I like my wife very much but there are certain things that I'm not going to forget but she probably already forgotten them. She only never forgets things that I have done wrong and that's it. When we argue she will pick things from 9 years ago and that's not sad, not even ridiculous, that's stupid and mental in my opinion. 

She is perfect person for everyone else who spends fraction of time with her either in work or friends or people she meets locally. She is surprisingly the perfect person in my life because I care, but she does not, even though sometimes you can actually get surprised when she gives you a compliment out of the blue, happened few times over past 9 years. I can compliment her as much as I want and it's doing nothing, probably just getting worse.

All I'm trying to say is simple, you probably need to postpone the wedding. It's your live, it's your freedom, it's YOU. You don't want to stress out every second of your life what will be the next thing that you do or say is wrong or misunderstood. Also if you want to carry on, move in with her (without wedding) and live like that for a year or so. Get her family to know you and you of course to know them. Also you need to know everything about her childhood, it's a MUST !

Get to know her as much as you can, all details of her life, because that is what is going to affect you, believe or not.You just can't do that with such a distance between you two.

Of course everything is easier to be said then done, especially on the screen  

Good luck !


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> She will bring up old arguments and use them as ammo against me, and will forget about all the positive and nice conversations we've had ....And of course it's always my fault, because she doesn't forget that ONE comment I made when I was upset/angry.. Yet all the hurtful stuff she's said to me, I forget, and if I do bring it up, she denies she ever said it, can't remember it etc.


Duo, I agree with Mable and IsGirl that the behaviors you describe are some of the classic traits of BPD. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have the nine BPD traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your fiancee has the nine traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she has most of them at a strong and persistent level. I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can easily learn to spot strong occurrences of those traits. What you CANNOT do is determine whether her traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can do that. Spotting the warning signs, however, is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about traits such as always being "right," verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim."

Finally, I also agree with Kathy's statement that it is a big red flag that you two are having so much conflict so early in your relationship. I therefore suggest that, before you marry her, you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. And I suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you take a look at my description of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, Duo.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you always want to be the "parent" in the relationship because that's where you are headed. She's a dreamer. You're a realist. You are the downer as far as she's concerned -- always raining on her parade. That's going to get old for both of you after awhile.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Regardless of what's going on, if you have any type of doubt or uneasy feeling. Don't marry her, it's better to end things now than to marry her, and regret it. Too much damage is caused by divorce. I found this article very interesting
Avoiding Cold Feet Down the Aisle - NYTimes.com


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

This OP is obviously going to get married anyway and probably be in denial for a few years about his marriage be a disaster. Probably going to come back to TAM in 3 or 4 year and ask if anyone else is going through this hell and what can he do to cope.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> is this something that will get better with time, or will this carry on for the whole marriage?


:rofl:

Better? Try worse! You two are on your 'best behavior' until she gets a ring on her finger. If she's that strong and manipulative and belittling and indignant now, expect it to quadruple once you get married.

I'd be rethinking my relationship at this stage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DuoMaxwell said:


> it has damaged every relationship I've been in


What makes you think anything is different now?

The ONLY thing that's going to make a difference is for you to start seeing a counselor to learn to love yourself. Once you do, you won't put UP with the crap you describe.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Run OP....run!!!!

You mentioned you have insecurity issues right now....guess what??? It's gonna get worse!!! She's gonna feed right off it...and make you feel even more insecure....and where is that going to lead you?? 

Honestly.....if that woman was my boyfriend....I would drop him like hot potato. Life is too complicated and too short as it is without someone playing manipulative mind games with me.

But...it's your life....and your decision.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but you'd be crazy to marry her now. There's all kinds of red flags waving, and you don't even know each other properly. 

What were your "post-wedding" plans, as far as who's living where? If you want my opinion, living close to each other and dating " properly" for a year or so before even considering marriage would be a good first step. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

*WOW!*

I cannot believe the parallels and many people's descriptions...I have been on these boards for a while discussing my life, marriage, wife and this behavior to a large extent is HER! 

Early on in our marriage one mistake in my wording of a sentence would ruin a weekend, a vacation, a date.... she would be silent for days. when I wanted to talk she "threatened" to blow up and she did, slamming doors, leaving the house. When I finally learned to give her her space instead of following her around trying to "talk it out" I would bring it up later after giving her space and nothing...she would latch on to something, tear up out of anger and again...silence!

Many many years of this...till I stopped feeding it...to an extent.

Still, we dont talk issues out, she still latches on to things

In addition:
-There is unfair fighting
-she has said sorry perhaps 5 times in our relationship of 10 years.
-she brings up my faults that i feel are so miniscule and petty to bring up (not that i dont have faults) - I should say she uses them against me in arguments!
-brings up my up bringing as being limited in life experience and links it to my "many faults".
-Says that people are not comfortable around me (as far as i can see thats not true - everyone comments how she is lucky to have a husband that goes out with her, how fun an evening was, etc..)
-when i concentrate on self...i am selfish
-BIG ONE: from the eyes of her friends she is awesome...receives so much praise about what an amazing mom, wife, person she is.
-Confidence: Its is totally true...over the past 9 years confidence in my self has gone down, been building it tho in mt first year of med school realizing thanks to colleagues that I am a "quality" person.

As I write this, slightly stronger than I was say a year ago, I am wondering what I am doing in this marriage. I have begin to push back and assert myself, my needs, and my wants. I feel resistence and tension. BUT when I walk into the house I feel I "own it" no longer am I at her "mercy" so to speak... dont know if that is clear...

I have personally given it till January to get better then I am gone.

I am sad vbut that will be it... I have kids and I AM a believer of staying with them... for the main reason that I will not see them nearly as much if we dont live under the same roof and cannot bear her bringing another man to "father" them....makes me sick to the stomach!

Sorrry for the MAJOR hijack, OP please consider all these peoples advice and experience. A moderate approach might be counselling then trying, but at least for me, this has all become such a time warp...10 years that has had happiness, but also filled with ALOT of anxiety, stress, fatigue...be careful!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Whenever I see the title of this post, I can't help but think, "No, but it helps!" LOL

Duo, I'm going to ask you to seriously consider what marriage will bring for you. My comments are in bold and inserted intot this post from you: 




DuoMaxwell said:


> Thanks for all your replies guys:
> 
> We first started speaking October 2011 - we've been romantically involved since probably June-August 2012?
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The mere fact that you STAY in a relationship in which she waxes nostalgic with her former lover and talks sex and babies with him is a sad statement of YOU, rather than her. Where are your cajones?


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