# How to "not" have regrets??



## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I am back - after posting a bunch in the spring just after my seperation & trying to sort out my feelings. Life got a little crazy & haven't found the time to post/reply like I used to. 

Background: My husband & I have been seperated for 6 months now. I miss living as a family but am enjoying my time on my own. That was missing in our marriage - I was always giving of myself to him, our girls or my work but never to myself. 
This time apart has been wonderful for me to have time for myself - I forgot what it felt like. 

Our girls seem to be adjusting to their lives of mommy & daddy not living in same house. Which I was very worried how this would affect them. I think partly that my husband & I can get along well has definitely helped that situation. In addition, we decided prior to the seperation that would spend 1 day/week as a family. 

I am leaning much more towards divorce than I thought I would be at this stage. I think it really will be the best solution in the end but am having such a hard time getting myself to take the next step - maybe because it seems so final - divorce. NO turning back. . . 
I fret that maybe I am making the wrong decision? That what if I make the wrong decision - that it will affect me & my children for the rest of our lives. 
Maybe I am just afraid of what lies ahead? maybe it is the fear that is causing me to do nothing & not move forward. 

How do I get the courage to make the decision & stick with it & take action? How do I get past that fear of the unknown? 

Give me some words of wisdom to make a decision & got with it without any regrets? . . . .


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

"what if i make the wrong decision..."

try this on for size:One path (stay and forgive and truly try to make the marriage work) is scary and risky and the other path (separate and/or divorce) is scary and unknown and risky. The divorce path is a one-way street; if you go down that road, there is no return. If you choose to take a chance and make an effort, even if things don't work out, you can go back and take the other path as this road goes in both directions. 

i know what the decision is if we're talking about anything else. take the path that has the lowest risk.

you're digging being by yourself. maybe you've found that you are stronger than you thought. good, you've grown. the separation served a purpose. that's called a gift horse. give some back now. to you children, to your husband, who selflessly allowed you the space to find that out about yourself. we're talking about a marriage.


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## NikiVicious (Oct 2, 2008)

I understand where you are comming from, but since I am new, I don't know the reasons for your seperation, it's hard to offer an opinion to what path you should be on. It sounds like you are enjoying your life more. Maybe things are looking up. Are both of you in agreement that a divorce would be better? 

That fear of NOT making the right choice is there for a reason. There are more than just your life here at steak! Weigh it out, write down good ol' fashioned pros and cons. 

If you are like me you've reached a crossroads in your life, where things just HAVE to change. Unfortunately I waited too long to make this move of seperating, and my heart is so distant and broken. (I am newly seperated as of Sept 14th) My husbad is still living with me and my daughter until he has a place to move out to. 

Voivod, I agree that it's a marriage and you should do what it takes to make it work. You my friend have a marriage where both parties DO and TRY. 

BUT (and here it is)

But IT TAKES *TWO*. So, if one's not in it?

If the marriage is dangerous, and the partner has done everything to fix it and the other is unwilling to grow or work on themselves. What then?


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi Nikivious & Voivod
Thanks for you comments it was always so encouraging when I first seperated to read/hear that others could relate to what I was going through & do give words of encouragement. 

You both inquired as to the circumstances of the seperation - will recap as briefly as possible. 
Found out my husband was having an affair (2005) when I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. Confronted him about it & he denied it. Moved out (kind of)for 4 months - stayed approx. 3 night with me. In this time I didn't believe him about the affair so kept snooping & found out planning a trip with her. Only then did he confess ( when evidence was impossible to deny). 
Said he was unsure who he wanted to be with. I am devestated by the inevitable truth - confused as to why there should be any doubt as to whom he should be with. 
He agrees to go to counseling but does not put forth much effort. We agreed that he would move back in (he requested 1 month to break it off with her & say goodbye) I agreed. Then the agreement was to have NO contact with the other woman from for the 3 months prior to the birth of child. 
Had suspicions he broke that agreement but nothing concrete. Then 2 months after our daughter is born, he drops some more wonderful news: that the other woman is pregnant with his child. That he tried talking her out of having it but she refused. 
That should have been IT right there. 
But still being home with our child & not working at the moment. Still being grateful that he chose to stay with me instead of her - I allow him to see the other woman - when she goes for Dr. appts, etc. 
The child arrives later that year (2006) & I allow him to have contact because I wouldn't want to deprive a child of knowing it's father. However, I did not feel comfortable about him seeing the other woman but I put that aside for the sake of the child. 

1 year later ( 2007) I find some evidence of wrong doing but it was from early 2006. I seek counseling to help me sort out what to do. She helps me realize that my husband it going to keep treating me poorly until he gets some consequences - which he has not had all along. I tell him I want him to move out in Oct. He asks if he can stay through the holidays - I agree ( I'm too nice). It was April before he finally moved - I think he was hoping I would change me mind if waited long enough. 
Sorry for the long winded explaination but having the history will make it easier to offer advice.

As I mentioned in my above post, Divorce is so final. And I keep thinking maybe he has changed? And maybe I should give him another chance? But then I think about how many chances he has been given & kept making bad decisions. I think now that he is on his own & he found out that the other woman is possesive & very needy only NOW does he realize what he had. 
But I am sooo ready to say - sorry but it's too late now. You built you bed & now get to lie in it. 

What bothers me the most is that he was only looking out for himself all along - what makes him happy. And not considering the consquences or maybe not thinking I would ever take action? 

So here I am - do we just remain seperated? (I have a court order for support due to the other child -didn't want her to file & it affect my payments when/if I file for divorce). Or do move forward with the divorce so we can "officially" move on with our lives? 

Your comments. . . .


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

believer--
you said"
>>>>"Our girls seem to be adjusting to their lives of mommy & daddy not living in same house.<<<<

don't kid yourself...they'll never fully "adjust" to daddy being gone...remember how you felt when you found out...it's kinda like a death in the family...you felt like your marriage died...there is a grieving process...problem with daddy being "gone" is there really is no complete grieving process...i know this from recent counseling...the problem here is that it WILL pop up, 5...10..20 years down the road...it did with me AND my sister...it took different forms, but it was brutal...

from what i can tell, you have legal separation, but not divorce, right??? pardon me for being partial to marriage, but...

you sound like you're almost convinced he's "learned his lesson." has he made a solid commitment to you about NO MORE CONTACT...NO MORE ADULTERY????

you have to demand that, contractually if you have to...make him sign off on it...make it grounds for divorce and mean it...if he HAS changed, that will not be a problem. i'd demand couples counseling as well...

Q: what led to this dalliance? have you asked?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think by reading your posts, he wasn't making bad decisions but rather selfish decisions.

You have to ask yourself can you live like this for the rest of your life?

Can you ever trust him?

Make a list of all the things you would want him to do. Make it into a contract.

If he is without a job and you are married to him the IRS/DHHS can take claim to any return YOU might have if you file jointly.

draconis


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi Voidod
Just checking my post before I signed off & saw you message.

I agree with you about the kids - I thought there might be behavioral issues or problems in schook after the break up, etc. We have not seen that but you are right - they just may be concealed & not being dealt with. 
I am sure that my older daughter (8) is still hoping we may get back together so maybe she has done the mourning with hopes that it will all work out. 

I think that has been part of MY problem as well - hoping that we will work out & keep holding onto that hope. And thus dragging this out over 3 years now. 
Through counseling I was giving my 100% but felt like he was going because he had to. I kept thinking he is going only so when he decided to go with the other woman he could say "we tried counseling & it didn't work" - therefore absolving himself of any guilt. 
Through counseling it helped me to express how I felt - I was afraid/didn't know how to ask for help with things around the house, etc. I felt that I would be imposing on my husband but yet I was resentful when he wouldn't help. We discussed & came up with a game plan to resolve that & we were working on it. We also agreed that we were not "finding time for us as a couple" - so we starting doing date night. So through counseling I think we definitely improved our communication & addresses some issues that were bothering both of us but most importantly tried to come up with a solution ( in the past that where we had gone wrong - we would bring up an issue, argue about it but never fix the problem). Did I ever think things were that bad in our marriage & that my husband was so unhappy to find another woman - no way. I NEVER saw it coming - even when I first was suspicious & found the clues - I still couldn't believe it. He thought he was dropping hint to me but I "wasn't catching on" - he thought I didn't care about him. He thought our life was too "boring & routine". 
So to answer your question about what made him stray & how we attempted to fix it - that's the answer. 

I do really think he may have learned his lesson & realizes now what he risked. 
However, I have given him so many chances. 1) to admit it the 1st time I confronted him- he denied, denied, denied 2) I had produce evidence of his planned trip with her before he finally told me the truth. 3) He asked for a month to say :good bye to other woman" -I agreed but then he broke that agreement ( I might add we did have a written agreement from our couples counseling). 4) He never admitted to seeing/talking to her during his 3 month commitment to me that he would have NO contact ( he only has some indisputable evidence - a child & numerous phone calls on his cell phone from her.) 
Once the child was in the picture, I could not find it in my heart to deny the child from seeing her father - so I allowed contact 2x/week. But I was very uncomfortable with that situation but didn't know how to resolve it. 

Has he given me the commitment that there would not be adultery again - no. He has said he was sorry for hurting me. We tried the written contract before but that didn't seem to do any good but possibly an option if I would decide to try one final time. 

I just don't know if I am willing for more disappointment if he would let me down again. 
I thought the actual seperation might be a "wake up call " to him that I am not going to put up with his behaviour anymore & to let him know I'm serious. 

But within the month we seperated/he moved out, I saw I receipt in his wallet (yes, I admit to snooping) for an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant that wasn't with me. I didn't even ask him about it - you want to know why? Because I have been lied to sooo many times, that even if he was telling me the truth - I wouldn't believe it. 
Seeing that receipt & knowing that no matter what he said - a lie or the truth - I wouldn't beleive it was a my turning point towards divorce. Up until that I was still hopeful. But I said to myself - "do I want to live the rest of my life always wondering?" . . . and the answer is NO.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi D
You are on the money about his decisions being selfish - that is for sure. He has always been an impulsive one & not always thinking the whole process through before he acts. 
So I can understand having an affair - making that 1 selfish decision. And I was willing to forgive him & work on our marriage - especially when I got that kind of a "wake up call". I was onboard 100% to try to work things out. But then his continued selfish decisions - even when he knew how much he hurt me. And his continued selfish decisions when he knew what the consequences might be but he still did it anyways. 

You questions about can I live with it? I really thought I could live with it and do think we might have been able to make it if it hadn't been for the other child. Then there would have been no reason to continue contact & he could have possiblly made a "break" from the other woman. Not to say that he would have or been willing to do but the child gave reason not to. 
I was tellin myself that I could forgive him & live with it but then there was always something reminding me of the other woman of the other child, etc. And every time it would rub me the wrong way as much as I tried to deny it. I thought it would get better with time & as I tried to rebuild trust with my husband. But he never gave me much reason to "trust" again but I did try. 

If you read my recent post to voidod - I mention that after our seperation I found a receipt for an expensive dinner ( not with me) & that was my turning point about - can I ever trust him again? I thought he might get the message loud & clear that I mean business by asking him to move out & that our marriage is at stake. But after seeing the receipt - no matter what he told me , I wouldn't believe it. 
Prior to the seeing the receipt - I was mentally preparing my list - if we work it out - these would be the conditions: only seeing child at park or public location or maybe not at all, me having 1 night/weekend day for myself, etc. But after seeing the receipt - it became a mute point in my opinion. 

Funny you should mention that if he is unemployed - as of a few weeks ago that is the case. What exactly are you saying I should be concerned about? Besides the obviuos of him not paying me my "support".


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

believer--
you said:
(regarding your kids handling the separation well)
>>>>>"I agree with you about the kids - I thought there might be behavioral issues or problems in schook after the break up, etc. We have not seen that but you are right - they just may be concealed & not being dealt with. 
I am sure that my older daughter (8) is still hoping we may get back together so maybe she has done the mourning with hopes that it will all work out."<<<<<

i'm not talking about behavior problems. i'm talking about: the grieving process will complete the cycle on it's own. you never know when it'll decide to complete itself. but it will. and it ain't pretty. i'm balanced precariously on a marriage that could blow up. my grieving process has played itself out in my marriage. too complex to explain here, let's just say that alcohol, separation anxiety, clinical depression are just some of the things that popped up. and it has affected my life, my wifes life and my kids life.

you also said:
"But within the month we seperated/he moved out, I saw I receipt in his wallet (yes, I admit to snooping)"

hey at this point you aren't snooping, you're verifying. he should be forced (by you) to live a transparent life.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

but is that the life I want to live - always checking up on him= transparency - right? 
I figure there will be ways that he could hide things he doesn't want me to know about. ( getting a p.o. box, paying cash for things, etc.) So even if he really is transparent - there are ways around it.
Am I a skeptic or what?

signing off for night - will check what you have to say another time
good nite


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