# Lost soul, no one to talk to



## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

Howdy, obviously new here.

Not quite sure where to start but here goes.

I am in my mid 40's, I am to the point I feel my marriage/life is a total lie.

I met my wife in High school. Dated for 8 years and got married. Married over 20 years. 2 kids age 18 and 13.

We had a normal "life", normal sex etc etc

I have always had some dark sexual desires, kinky rough sex. Stuff aside of the norm. Tried with my wife(tried to do stuff with my wife, didn't tell her my urges) to always be shunned. I get it, it is not for every one. People tick in different ways.

A few years after marriage I hooked up with a woman 17 years older than me. I was young thought I knew how to please a woman but didn't. She taught me, I learned and studied and absorbed it all in. Didn't last long and I called it off when her feelings got to strong.

My urges would always come back. I could subdue them for a while but they always returned. Each time stronger than before. I just needed some kinky rough sex.

13 years ago I met a young woman at work, we connected and yes we hooked up.

As I would began to try things with her, she would never stopped me. She was eager to learn and try new things. She would do whatever I wanted to try. I'll spare you the details.

So I'll add, there really wasn't feelings involved on my side (yes some, but not strong like hers). She quit and moved on. But her, like me now had the urges that would come on and need to be subdued. We began to hook up once or twice a year with just pure carnal animal sex. Urge would go away, then slowly return, so we would hook up again. the last time was September.

So now I feel so many things.

1) I'm just not happy. period. With life in General. Other areas outshine other areas, but just unhappy. These feelings have been with me for about a year now, but the worst has been the last 90 days.
2) GUILT and living with the lies. It is eating me up. In a big way.
3) incompatibility...We have nothing in common these days but the kids, last one leaves the coop in 5 years. total different interests. She Can't/Won't satisfy me sexually. We do V. little together except occasional date night.
4) I deserve to be happy now and later in life. My wife deserves better than this and deserves to be happy now and later in life too. I have stayed for the kids, and for the fact I don't want to hurt her. I am a lot of things, but I do have feelings, and I have not told her to spare her feelings but it just doesn't seem fair to her now or in the long run either........
5) I am so racked up in guilt and thoughts and unhappiness these days, it is reaching unhealthy limits. Last 8 days. 30 hrs of total sleep. Lost 15 lbs last 3 weeks. Drinking way to much, which I do anyways, but it is bad right now.

I KNOW I need to talk to her, but not sure to.

Lost lost lost.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think a lot of your indecisiveness and confusion will be clarified, and the pressure of hiding and lying to your wife will be ended, by sitting your wife down and telling her that's you've been cheating on her - off and on - for your _entire_ marriage. In order to chase a BDSM fetish you never respected her enough to have an honest conversation with her about. 

Have the number of a good attorney for her and the number of a good marriage counselor for both of you, immediately available to her once you've told her the truth. Allow her to decide which direction she wants to move in - whether it will be MC or straight to divorce. Keep the attorney's number handy in case after the shock wears off, she really realizes the reality of you being a serial cheater, and she decides she's ready to ditch MC in favor of a divorce. If she opts for divorce, be generous and amicable about the split. 

And no matter what she decides, get yourself into IC immediately, to help you figure out why you're a serial cheater. I'm not saying you're a terrible human being, but you're clearly a bad husband and you lack appropriate coping skills to manage conflict in healthy ways. There's a reason you weren't honest with your wife about your kink, but also didn't divorce her and set both of you free when it became clear she didn't share it. All that's on you. 

By the way, a lot of the discontent you report in your marriage may have it's roots in your cheating, rather than being the cause of that cheating. That is to say, cheating spouses often rationalize their behavior by building their partner up to be the enemy of all things good and decent. Even a great spouse looks like a loser when your brain is helping you justify betraying them.


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## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

Thank you Rowan. Please make no mistake, everything you said is true and I accept that for what it is. Didn't take it as being mean, just honest. 

I appreciate that, I really do. THIS IS 100% ON ME. She has done it all right, I have done very little right.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I think a lot of your indecisiveness and confusion will be clarified, and the pressure of hiding and lying to your wife will be ended, by sitting your wife down and telling her that's you've been cheating on her - off and on - for your _entire_ marriage. In order to chase a BDSM fetish you never respected her enough to have an honest conversation with her about.
> 
> Have the number of a good attorney for her and the number of a good marriage counselor for both of you, immediately available to her once you've told her the truth. Allow her to decide which direction she wants to move in - whether it will be MC or straight to divorce. Keep the attorney's number handy in case after the shock wears off, she really realizes the reality of you being a serial cheater, and she decides she's ready to ditch MC in favor of a divorce. If she opts for divorce, be generous and amicable about the split.
> 
> ...


Agree 100%. In addition, your cheating has shackled your wife in working on the marriage. Your cheating circumvented any chance at a better life for you...and your wife. You have made a mockery of her life. Be prepared for her rage (which is justified) and do not expect it to disappear.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Things will start to change once you simply make a decision and follow it through, doesn't much matter which decision you make. Matters what you DO.

And circumventing them has led you to where you are now.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

You "deserve to be happy", huh? That has to be one of my favorite cheater lines. Tell your wife and leave. *She* deserves to be happy. You deserve to pay her alimony through the nose and be shamed by everyone you know.


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## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

Spoke with her for two hrs last night. accepted all responsibility. Going to visit some more tonight.



Deejo said:


> Things will start to change once you simply make a decision and follow it through, doesn't much matter which decision you make. Matters what you DO.
> 
> And circumventing them has led you to where you are now.


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## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

Yup said she deserved to be happy. Maybe you didn't read down far enough.



Healer said:


> You "deserve to be happy", huh? That has to be one of my favorite cheater lines. Tell your wife and leave. *She* deserves to be happy. You deserve to pay her alimony through the nose and be shamed by everyone you know.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I don't have a problem with the other poster's suggestion to confess everything to your wife and let her choose what to do.

But; I read nothing that suggests you want to save your marriage or change your behavior. So instead, I would suggest that you do your wife a favor, and end your marriage quickly and as amicably as possible.

I don't know your wife, but she has to deserve better than that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

badmemory said:


> I don't know your wife, but she has to deserve better than that.


You're right. You don't know his wife. So how exactly do you know she deserves better? 

It's a rhetorical question, no need to respond.

The man is taking steps. He's here after all.

But apparently first he has to run the TAM gauntlet of the bitter and betrayed, reinforcing that he should feel like sh!t, and his poor wife, despite the fact that he owned that he feels like sh!t, and doesn't like the choices he has made for himself or his marriage.


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## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

If I felt I could stop, then I would be all for saving. Have gone in for IC many a times and end results is there is nothing they can do and to learn the fight the trait/desire whatever it is.

Don't want any more hurt, but feel if we stay together its a matter of time. I don't want that. Don't want to that again to ay woman.

I need to fix my self before I am with any woman. 

I have messed up royally, ready to accept my medicine, what ever it may be.

I told my wife All this and she still want to talk tonight.



badmemory said:


> I don't have a problem with the other poster's suggestion to confess everything to your wife and let her choose what to do.
> 
> But; I read nothing that suggests you want to save your marriage or change your behavior. So instead, I would suggest that you do your wife a favor, and end your marriage quickly and as amicably as possible.
> 
> I don't know your wife, but she has to deserve better than that.


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## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

Thank you Deejo, but the criticism is fair and just. Maybe they are bitter from experience and are right in voicing their opinion. I accept that.

Judge me, belittle me, bash me. It is all justified, I do it all day long every day TO MYSELF. If you want to help along with it all, please do. It has become a full time job.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I think a lot of your indecisiveness and confusion will be clarified, and the pressure of hiding and lying to your wife will be ended, by sitting your wife down and telling her that's you've been cheating on her - off and on - for your _entire_ marriage. In order to chase a BDSM fetish you never respected her enough to have an honest conversation with her about.
> 
> Have the number of a good attorney for her and the number of a good marriage counselor for both of you, immediately available to her once you've told her the truth. Allow her to decide which direction she wants to move in - whether it will be MC or straight to divorce. Keep the attorney's number handy in case after the shock wears off, she really realizes the reality of you being a serial cheater, and she decides she's ready to ditch MC in favor of a divorce. If she opts for divorce, be generous and amicable about the split.
> 
> ...


WOW!!!!
This is great advice! Rowan you are a wise man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Deejo said:


> You're right. You don't know his wife. So how exactly do you know she deserves better?
> 
> It's a rhetorical question, no need to respond.
> 
> ...


Deejo,

If you want to ban me; go ahead. I thought my comments were fairly reserved and I stand by them.

OP, if I'm wrong about your motivation to stay in the marriage or that your wife deserves better than what she's getting, feel free to set me straight.


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## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

I answered above and took no offense to it. I would love to stay, but not if there is a chance to hurt her again.


badmemory said:


> Deejo,
> 
> If you want to ban me; go ahead. I thought my comments were fairly reserved and I stand by them.
> 
> OP, if I'm wrong about your motivation to stay in the marriage or that your wife deserves better than what she's getting, feel free to set me straight.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

badmemory said:


> Deejo,
> 
> If you want to ban me; go ahead. I thought my comments were fairly reserved and I stand by them.
> 
> OP, if I'm wrong about your motivation to stay in the marriage or that your wife deserves better than what she's getting, feel free to set me straight.


Didn't mean to call you out personally badmemory, I apologize, because upon second reading that's exactly what it looks like.

Quoted your post in terms of setting 'tone'.

The dude basically outlined that he doesn't like himself or his behavior much. We don't need 20+ pages reminding him that he doesn't feel bad ENOUGH. Again, the message is for the community, not you specifically.

Nothing you said was over the top.

I have no intention of banning you.

Yet.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Didn't mean to call you out personally badmemory, I apologize, because upon second reading that's exactly what it looks like.
> 
> Quoted your post in terms of setting 'tone'.
> 
> ...


Now here is the conundrum.
Some will say if he confesses he is just relieving his guilt and being selfish.
Although I believe honesty is the best policy.
Darned if you do darned if you don't.
I don't envy him tough call either way.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Thound said:


> WOW!!!!
> This is great advice! Rowan you are a wise man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you! 

But I'm a woman. Sometimes, even a lady.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

tom67 said:


> Now here is the conundrum.
> Some will say if he confesses he is just relieving his guilt and being selfish.
> Although I believe honesty is the best policy.
> Darned if you do darned if you don't.
> I don't envy him tough call either way.


I just think making the choice, and following through with it, is what gets you to the other side of 'darned'. Otherwise, you just stay there and stew. 

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I just think making the choice, and following through with it, is what gets you to the other side of 'darned'. Otherwise, you just stay there and stew.
> 
> Nothing changes if nothing changes.


:iagree:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Deejo said:


> You're right. You don't know his wife. So how exactly do you know she deserves better?
> 
> It's a rhetorical question, no need to respond.
> 
> ...


I don't need to know his wife. I do know that cheating is wrong And not deserved. While I have little sympathy for anyone who cheats and betrays others in such a way I do have respect for anyone who admits to making a mistake and comes clean on what they did wrong such as the op is in process of doing. Life isn't perfect and everyone along the road makes dumb decisions but to own them is about the best thing any of us could do


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Deejo said:


> You're right. You don't know his wife. So how exactly do you know she deserves better?
> 
> It's a rhetorical question, no need to respond.
> 
> ...


You are not the only one that is irked by this.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

I will start off with saying I'm a Woman, 45 and been with my husband since 22 years old.

I wont be able to give you any insight to what your feeling. However, my husband has fetish issues as well. Although his are different than yours, they are no less destructive in nature.

I found out the hard way at 23 years old with a new born baby and a cop at my door. looking back I should have ran and never looked back.

This was the beginning of many incidents that would get him in trouble over many years. Each and every time He would say the same things that I'm hearing you say. You don't deserve it and the pull is so strong, you would be better off without me. etc.

He went to IC (court mandated) and group therapy to help him understand why this thing has such a hold on him. He told me group just gave him more ideas and how to be creative.

I was finally invited to a therapy session about 10 year into our marriage and it was the first time I had a glimpse into his mind and the therapist helped me to understand.

The Therapist in no way condoned the things he was doing, however was helping me to see that the urges/pulls that someone goes through can take on a life of there own.

I believe I stayed because I love him and know the wonderful man he is and can be, the price of this is low self esteem and codependency issues.

We talk in detail about this and when he is feeling the pull/urge I try to listen and not judge and he has not been in legal trouble for over 10 years.

I do believe all of the things that have happened did help to contribute to my cheating on my husband 3 years ago this August. I'm in no way blaming my husband for my poor boundaries and choices and the things he did do not condone my cheating. 

I often wonder if he stopped having sex with me for years because of his heavy porn usage (daily taking care of his needs)
or if it helped to control his urge to return to other activities. I guess one will never know.

My point is, there is a huge chance your wife will want to work this out and will actually blame herself for your fetish. I know I did. 

If you want any chance of saving your marriage you have to be willing to try and control it, Your wife will need IC as well as this should not become her burden.


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## StayInIt (Jul 27, 2012)

Mutually agreed upon BDSM involving adults is not destructive.

Repeatedly having sex with randos while married is. 

The Kink is NOT the issue.

The Man is.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

StayInIt said:


> Mutually agreed upon BDSM involving adults is not destructive.
> 
> Repeatedly having sex with randos while married is.
> 
> ...


Let me clarify, I have no problem with kink in fact, I'm very similar to him and my level of desires and needs.

Yet when his wife was not into the same things as him, he instead of getting her approval to do this with someone else, he took it upon his self to get his fetish taken care of by an outside person. 

I believe him when he said there is a pull that he cant control and that in its self is destructive.

Kink is not the issue or point I'm trying to make. I bet his needs started off small and have taken on a life of there own.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I hope you can all work this out to the benefit of all concerned, you, your wife and your children.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT said:


> So now I feel so many things.
> 
> 1) I'm just not happy. period. With life in General. Other areas outshine other areas, but just unhappy. These feelings have been with me for about a year now, but the worst has been the last 90 days.
> 2) GUILT and living with the lies. It is eating me up. In a big way.
> ...


No matter how you slice it and dice it, There ain't a lot of confusion about the direction you need to take Dawg. The below song sez it all.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LC0AWtM3RuE


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## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

learning to love myself said:


> Let me clarify, I have no problem with kink in fact, I'm very similar to him and my level of desires and needs.
> 
> Yet when his wife was not into the same things as him, he instead of getting her approval to do this with someone else, he took it upon his self to get his fetish taken care of by an outside person.
> 
> ...


While this is true without question.

I'm broken as a person by my own doing. I have set up IC to help understand myself, why I am broke, and why I have continually tried to wreck my marriage and family. By virtue of all this I have broken my marriage, and it appears beyond repair.

I want and need to know WHY I do this(serial cheating). If I can control it. If I can't for whatever reason, then obviously never need to be in a long term relationship of any kind.

Thanks you all for the feedback. This website has been very helpful for me.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Fetishes can be stopped.


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