# Dont know if its what I want



## feelinglost11 (Jul 6, 2015)

I need help! Here is my situation, I've been married for 4 years we have two beautiful boys two and four years old. We recently just moved into a brand new house a month ago which requires both of our salary. but I find myself very unhappy. I am no longer in love with my husband and haven't been for a while. but I figured it was just a phase. now I don't know what to do I feel stuck, the weird thing is we get along great we never fight but we also never really see each other until the weekend since we were two different shifts. I feel like I rushed into life way to fast im only 26. I just dont know what to do .. I want to be in love and find myself. Is that wrong?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

One of you find a job that matches the others hours so you can spend more time together. Try that first before you break up your family and your boys have to grow up without their Dad in the house. You are a working wife and Mom what else do you need? This is the life you made for yourself and once your have children they come first and living in a single parent household is not what is best for them.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You have grown detached over time. For a relationship to remain strong, it takes time, energy, intimacy that is just between you and him.

You need to communicate your feelings to him, and when communicating this, use we instead of you. 

Example. "Honey, I feel like we are disconnected. I want us to work together to set our relationship on a better path."

Start with that and see if you can reconnect.

Marrying young, and still developing at a high rate into your own person, you will have more self-awareness of what you want from life. Young adults still lack the maturity to make life decisions because the area of the brain that is responsible for it is not fully developed until your mid to late twenties.

It is rare that when people that marry young last. Some manage to grow together. Over the years, the two of you grew away from each other without the others influence.

Trying to reconnect can help to see if there is enough there to continue a relationship or not. But it will take effort on both parts and learning to communicate with one another.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Passing each other like to ships in the night is not conducive to a healthy marriage. One will need to change the work schedule. Your child will need daycare. It is unfortunate you thought this was just phase. The problem is you signed on for this. Your H non-the-wiser. Not telling your H before signing the mortgage was wrong. Wanting to reconnect with your H is not wrong at all. The only way to make this work is finding jobs that allow you both 16 plus hours per week to be together.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

feelinglost11 said:


> I am no longer in love with my husband and haven't been for a while.


Why do you think this is?

Is he in love with you?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Were you ever really in love with him? With strong chemistry, mutual attraction, and a satisfying sex life?

Or do you feel that you just "settled"?

What about his feelings for you?

Very important info for us to be able to offer advice or opinions.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

It takes time and attention for spouses to stay in love. You need to spend more time together.

How can you change your jobs so that you are working the same shifts? That will be priority.

I understand that you might not want to put your kids in daycare. If you get divorced, you are going to have to figure out their day time care, but with much less money.

Therefore, I recommend that you have an honest talk with your husband and that you brainstorm together to find a way to get your jobs aligned.

Here's a good read: His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley. It will help you find that love again.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

feelinglost11 said:


> I need help! Here is my situation, I've been married for 4 years we have two beautiful boys two and four years old. We recently just moved into a brand new house a month ago which requires both of our salary. but I find myself very unhappy. *(Why? That is a generic statement. Do you depend on your husband for your happiness? Happiness is found within.)* I am no longer in love with my husband *(Why? What are the reasons? Why are you no longer in love? Does your husband know this? Have you told him? He can't read your mind, tell him)* and haven't been for a while. but I figured it was just a phase. now I don't know what to do I feel stuck *(You are only stuck because you want to be stuck)*, the weird thing is we get along great we never fight but we also never really see each other until the weekend since we were two different shifts *(This is your problem. You don't see enough of each other and you feel emotionally abandoned. Not your fault, not his fault. Your hubby probably doesn't know this. Tell him. It would be terrible to throw something away simply because of life malaise. Everyone goes through this at on time or the other.)*. I feel like I rushed into life way to fast im only 26. I just dont know what to do *(Don't rewrite your entire history simply because you've hit some rough water. Communicate this to your husband)* .. I want to be in love and find myself. Is that wrong? *(Of course it's not wrong. OP, what is love? It starts with a chemical explosion in the brain. Endorphins, oxytocin and such. But as love matures it becomes an active choice. I choose to love you. I choose to be accountable to you. I choose to be faithful to you. I choose to desire you... And you are the only person on earth with whom I make this choice. OP talk to your husband. If necessary get counseling. Don't throw away a person because of a temporary feeling.)*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There appears to be an emotional disconnect and although usually both partners usually want emotional intimacy (not just sex) usually the woman feels the lack of it the worst, initially anyhow. 
EI refers to physical touch (not just sex) , hand holding, talking, sharing, hugging, kissing, etc without it a relationship usually withers and dies. 
Men can put their heads down and work as long as there is sex and may not notice the erosion of intimacy until much later. 
With your current working arrangements and all the household chores, etc there is probably little time for each other. You have probably settled into a routine where you don't really need him, you are managing quite well without him. As this continues, distance sets in and your needs (and his) are not being met, you begin to fall out of love. 

You need to find a way to rekindle that intimacy, e.g. arranging dates, having a quick coffee together, going for walks together, etc. You must make time for the marriage and each other.


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