# Getting what I deserve?



## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I'd love to be angry, or feel sorry for myself, but I think I might just be getting what I deserve. For a long time in the earlier years of my marriage I rejected my husband's sexual advances....sometimes. More than I should have probably. I blamed it on the exhaustion of raising children while holding down a full time job, or being angry with him for this or that. Doesn't really matter why, just that I did it. 

Fast forward a few years, I turn 40, and my sex drive shifts into overdrive AND I discover a rough sex fantasy that I never knew existed. I now want sex pretty much every day of the week, and my husband is the one who turns me down. Not always mind you, but....sometimes. And it sucks. I feel rejected and sexually frustrated and pissed off. I would have said no a hell of a lot less if I had known how crappy it feels.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Getting what you deserve or just maturing and becoming self-aware finally? I think we all get slapped around a little in one way or another by our earlier, immature behaviors.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

I'mAllIn said:


> I would have said no a hell of a lot less if I had known how crappy it feels.


Ah, our great friend "compassion," the shared appreciation of suffering.



I'mAllIn said:


> he ... hasn't ever experienced depression he has no idea what it feels like, and has in the past minimized the difficulty...


Maybe if your husband just a little bout of depression you and your husband would be the dream couple!

I wish I could live in a world where compassion was always maximized, with only the smallest dash of suffering. (Instead of the way it sometimes seems, the other way around.)

Thanks for sharing. Keep heart. Sounds like you're reaching a greater appreciation of life!


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

it sucks that you are going through that. when he rejects you, does he avoid touch and cuddling too, or is he still up for that type of intimacy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, I know that after years of being rejected more than not... a person turns off, the hurt is too much and they often will not allow themselves to become vulnerable to the person who rejected them so much. 

It seems that you have not really changed. You see yourself as the keeper of your marital sex life. I'm sure that this does not bode will with your husband.

Have you told him that you now realize how wrong you were all those years? Have you asked him how you can make it up to him?


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

soulsearch said:


> it sucks that you are going through that. when he rejects you, does he avoid touch and cuddling too, or is he still up for that type of intimacy?


He never avoids touching and cuddling, I'm very lucky in that way. He always gives me foot and back rubs and cuddles with me while we watch tv and holds me in bed. And I appreciate those things, I love them, but honestly they also just make me want him more. 

And just to be clear, we have a very good sex life, and have sex what most people would consider a lot. It's just hard to want it more than you're getting it, and to have your partner turn you down for one reason or another.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Well, I know that after years of being rejected more than not... a person turns off, the hurt is too much and they often will not allow themselves to become vulnerable to the person who rejected them so much.
> 
> It seems that you have not really changed. You see yourself as the keeper of your marital sex life. I'm sure that this does not bode will with your husband.
> 
> Have you told him that you now realize how wrong you were all those years? Have you asked him how you can make it up to him?


Just to be clear, I didn't reject him so often that he stopped trying. We still have sex several times a week. I've just come to realize how much it hurts to be rejected sexually AT ALL, but I wasn't able to realize that until the situation was reversed. I have told him that I'm sorry for ever rejecting him, and that I wish he had told me how much it hurt (he never once told me, or pushed the issue).


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I like your post and I hope more woman read it.
You have to realise there is a difference between men and women. Women can do it daily (ask any prostitute) if they want to, since its basically a passive act. 
Men on the other hand very rarely can do it daily. You have really no need to be angry, he is not rejecting you but just cant do it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't know that you are.getting something you deserve - but life is often funny this way when we gain clarity down the road.

On a different topic - I have teenagers and now feel poorly about how I acted as a teeneger (and I stayed out of trouble, it is more that I didn't appreciate my parents as much as I should have and now I'm the one not being appreciated.)

All part of life.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Getting what I deserve?*



I'mAllIn said:


> He never avoids touching and cuddling, I'm very lucky in that way. He always gives me foot and back rubs and cuddles with me while we watch tv and holds me in bed. And I appreciate those things, I love them, but honestly they also just make me want him more.
> 
> And just to be clear, we have a very good sex life, and have sex what most people would consider a lot. It's just hard to want it more than you're getting it, and to have your partner turn you down for one reason or another.


it sounds like he just can't keep up with your drive level right now- if you have good intimacy levels (and it sounds like you do) then perhaps try this- do your usual sex routine, but NOT TO THE POINT HE FINISHES. yep, it takes some self control, but if he can skip a day or two, his drive will be over the roof, so you should be getting much more play time, his desire level will stay high, and it may solve the rejection issue.

fwiw, I know how you feel- my wife can be much like your husband, although there are times we can go weeks without any sexual contact sometimes. it really can affect you emotionally, and hurts your self esteem.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MissScarlett said:


> On a different topic - I have teenagers and now feel poorly about how I acted as a teeneger (and I stayed out of trouble, it is more that I didn't appreciate my parents as much as I should have and now I'm the one not being appreciated.)
> 
> All part of life.


I understand exactly what you mean, if my parents were still alive I would profusely apologize and grovel for forgiveness


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

I find for my body/mind that if I go every 2-4 days, I'm really horny and ready for just about any action at all. When wife and I were hitting it hard every day during one of our binge periods, it did get to be a challenge after the 3rd or 4th day in a row to perform and enjoy the outcome enough to say it was satisfying to me, but as long as she was over the edge with pleasure, I'm ok with that


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hind site is always 20/20

is it karma?

I think in your case which dosen't sound like you were the evil rejecting b*tch that some wives/husbands are.
Its just normal.

I sure a lillte more coaxing on your part and he would rise to the occasion.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

soulsearch said:


> it sounds like he just can't keep up with your drive level right now- if you have good intimacy levels (and it sounds like you do) then perhaps try this- do your usual sex routine, but NOT TO THE POINT HE FINISHES. yep, it takes some self control, but if he can skip a day or two, his drive will be over the roof, so you should be getting much more play time, his desire level will stay high, and it may solve the rejection issue.
> 
> fwiw, I know how you feel- my wife can be much like your husband, although there are times we can go weeks without any sexual contact sometimes. it really can affect you emotionally, and hurts your self esteem.


This sounds like a really good idea, and could maybe be a lot of fun too. 

I can't even imagine going weeks without sexual contact at this point, and that really bothers me. I actually wish that sex wasn't so important to me, that I didn't like it so much or want it so often. It would be easier.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Well, basically, yes you are getting what you deserve. Doesn't mean you are a bad person or have malicious intent. But you've conditioned him to have sex 2-3x week. Just because you've changed your desire level doesn't mean he has. He started as high desire and had to accommodate you, it's your turn now.

Quick story: I have two cats that were fed out of a cupboard and so they always went to that cupboard to whine for food. We changed where their food was kept, but they still always went to the old cupboard, even though it was clear the food was now kept in a different spot.

The point is that we are all creatures of habit. Once patterns are established, even bad ones, it takes a lot to change our behaviour.

So congratulations, you now get to experience what it is like to be a man. Deal with the rejection. Try not take it personally. And spend way too much time trying to figure out how to get your spouse to want to have sex with you. Sorry.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

accept1 said:


> I like your post and I hope more woman read it.
> You have to realise there is a difference between men and women. Women can do it daily (ask any prostitute) if they want to, since its basically a passive act.
> Men on the other hand very rarely can do it daily. You have really no need to be angry, he is not rejecting you but just cant do it.


HUH??? What the....? Men can "very rarely do it daily"? Where'd you read that? On the Internet?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Don't you just hate it when life makes you see the error in your ways by giving to you what you gave to others?

I do.

Don't give up hope though. I bet he'll come around eventually.

His drive went into a bit of hibernation. 

It's likely not gone yet and when it does go there are T shots.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

It is a bit of a strange game that evolution plays on us. Women are the horniest at the end of their reproductive horizon and men the opposite. And yet we almost always marry in the middle of this.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'mAllIn said:


> I'd love to be angry, or feel sorry for myself, but I think I might just be getting what I deserve. For a long time in the earlier years of my marriage I rejected my husband's sexual advances....sometimes. More than I should have probably. I blamed it on the exhaustion of raising children while holding down a full time job, or being angry with him for this or that. Doesn't really matter why, just that I did it.
> 
> Fast forward a few years, I turn 40, and my sex drive shifts into overdrive AND I discover a rough sex fantasy that I never knew existed. I now want sex pretty much every day of the week, and my husband is the one who turns me down. Not always mind you, but....sometimes. And it sucks. I feel rejected and sexually frustrated and pissed off. I would have said no a hell of a lot less if I had known how crappy it feels.



And now you know how us guys feel when our gf's and wives, who are LD, always turns us down for this or that reason and we stop initiating.

There is an old saying, what goes around, always comes around.

Karma is a *****.

All I can say, if he is the better man, he will forgive you and go with you on this new sexual chapter in your lives together. Or, he may just of given up and doesn't really care anymore, or as much, like most of us guys.

Now if you are having great sex and not just as often as you'd like, maybe he needs to do some weight training and get his juices flowing more? As we age, we slow down. I know since I turned 40, I don't have the energy or sex drive compared to when I was in my teens, 20's.

But also my wifee is LD and I have stopped initiating because of the lame excuses and rejections. But that also means, no cuddling, hugs or kisses for the most part either.

I can still have sex every day and sometimes multiple times each day. That part of me hasn't changed, but after 13+ years of LD from my wifee, I just have had enough.

You can also using toys on yourself on the days your hubby isn't in the mood, thus having sex every day.

What I don't understand, marriage is 50 / 50. That means we are to take care of each other needs as our own. So if hubby had a high sex drive and you didn't, you meet him half way out of love. So today, you would of been having sex with him 50 / 50 a middle ground with no issues and if you want more sex now, shouldn't of been a problem.

And you could of worked a full time career and had no kids..........or worked a part time job and had 1 kid, all choices.


Wish you the best in this.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I thought she said she turned him down sometimes - and they still had sex several days per week.

But now she wants sex every day and HE turns her down sometimes - but they are still having sex several days per week.

Did I get that right? This was never a sexless marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

accept1 said:


> I like your post and I hope more woman read it.
> You have to realise there is a difference between men and women. Women can do it daily (ask any prostitute) if they want to, since its basically a passive act.
> Men on the other hand very rarely can do it daily. You have really no need to be angry, he is not rejecting you but just cant do it.


If a woman is making love to her man, it is not a passive act. This is a ridiculous assumption.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> I thought she said she turned him down sometimes - and they still had sex several days per week.
> 
> But now she wants sex every day and HE turns her down sometimes - but they are still having sex several days per week.
> 
> Did I get that right? This was never a sexless marriage.


I know... the first post and the other ones by the OP do not jive.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

In the beginning, hubby had a high sex drive, you had a lower sex drive and rejected him often, but you still had sex.

Now after raising the kids, you have hit a sexual high and want sex all the time, daily, but hubby now has a lower sex drive and doesn't want it as much anymore.

You still have sex, just not as much as you'd like.

This drives you crazy because you are now HD (high sex drive) like your hubby was way back.

I would just deal with it, get some toys and relieve yourself that way, on the days he isn't in the mood.

The roles have totally reversed and now you know what he went through and its your turn, so experience this from a man's perspective.

I wish more women would get this early on and not when they are 40+ years old.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> I thought she said she turned him down sometimes - and they still had sex several days per week.
> 
> But now she wants sex every day and HE turns her down sometimes - but they are still having sex several days per week.
> 
> Did I get that right? This was never a sexless marriage.


You're exactly right, it has never been a sexless marriage by any means. When our kids were younger and required constant care and I worked full time I maybe turned him down twice a month due to being so tired. We still had sex an average of 6 times a month I'd say, but at that time my drive was much lower and I rarely initiated.

Now our kids are out of the house and I have lots more free time and feel much more rested and relaxed. That, as well as more time to spend one on one with my husband, have led to a huge surge in sex drive/desire for my husband. Now I initiate more than half of the time, and get turned down at least once a week because he says he is tired (or he just falls asleep even though I think I've been pretty obvious about wanting to have sex). But we are having sex an average of 4 times a week, so I try not to complain. 

I love him very much and feel fortunate to have a very good marriage. The purpose of my post was just to say that if I had known how ****ty it feels to be rejected sexually I would never have done that to him. I feel in a way that I do deserve what I'm feeling, even though I know he isn't doing it on purpose to hurt me any more than I was trying to hurt him back then.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'mAllIn said:


> You're exactly right, it has never been a sexless marriage by any means. When our kids were younger and required constant care and I worked full time I maybe turned him down twice a month due to being so tired. We still had sex an average of 6 times a month I'd say, but at that time my drive was much lower and I rarely initiated.
> 
> Now our kids are out of the house and I have lots more free time and feel much more rested and relaxed. That, as well as more time to spend one on one with my husband, have led to a huge surge in sex drive/desire for my husband. Now I initiate more than half of the time, and get turned down at least once a week because he says he is tired (or he just falls asleep even though I think I've been pretty obvious about wanting to have sex). But we are having sex an average of 4 times a week, so I try not to complain.
> 
> I love him very much and feel fortunate to have a very good marriage. The purpose of my post was just to say that if I had known how ****ty it feels to be rejected sexually I would never have done that to him. I feel in a way that I do deserve what I'm feeling, even though I know he isn't doing it on purpose to hurt me any more than I was trying to hurt him back then.



See, what I don't understand, women don't have to raise kids and can just work careers. Choices. Don't blame it on having the kids.

When you were raising the kids AND work a full time job, sex was maybe once every 5 days? That's really good actually and totally understandable.

You're now having sex 4x a week and want more? WOW. That's perfect actually, sex once every 2nd day, nice middle ground.

But it does suck having the roles reversed and now you know what it feels like, from a man's perspective.


*Arginine powder does raise HGH naturally and will get him in the mood a lot more, waking up hard and ready to go. Take 10g powder, small amount of water, empty stomach, just before bed and know it is bitter but works.*

*Taking a natural test booster also works.

Find out what really turns him on, fantasies, etc. and totally surprise him.

Role play, cosplay, completely surprise him. When he gets up for work, already be in the shower waiting and have a quickie.*


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If a woman is making love to her man, it is not a passive act. This is a ridiculous assumption.


I expected this response from you. Interesting that no one else has made it. I think we dont define 'passive' the same way.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

michzz said:


> I took as she did too. An excited woman making love to her man is not passive.
> 
> However, you may have meant it in the sense that a woman doesn't have to be aroused to allow penetration. Some lube for comfort, that's all. A man has to be aroused to have sexual intercourse.


Well I meant something very simple which I am sure Elegirl, a long time poster understood. But for some reason will not acknowledge that the sexes have different roles to play and is not happy with the fact that the female role is what I call passive.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I'mAllIn said:


> I feel rejected and sexually frustrated and pissed off. I would have said no a hell of a lot less if I had known how crappy it feels.


Don't beat yourself up. Marriage is a long road, with a lot of twists and turns in it. The trick is to keep communicating, even when you feel like you might not have the right to say anything. You do have the right. You can ask your husband for his forgiveness for the times that you didn't understand or meet his needs. I'm sure a lot of those times were legitimate and don't need to be apologized for, but it's a first step. Then you can ask him for his patience while you adjust to changing hormones, and his support in helping you satisfy your new found sexual needs. IMHO that's part of marriage.



soulsearch said:


> perhaps try this- do your usual sex routine, but NOT TO THE POINT HE FINISHES. yep, it takes some self control, but if he can skip a day or two, his drive will be over the roof,





I'mAllIn said:


> This sounds like a really good idea, and could maybe be a lot of fun too.


This takes really good intimate communication to negotiate, and then some coordination to pull off. Some of us really enjoy it, though. Others don't. My wife doesn't understand why I enjoy it, but a big part of it is that it keeps me longing for her. If I didn't enjoy the way it feels, I'm not sure if I'd do it for that reason alone.

Good luck!


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

pplwatching said:


> Don't beat yourself up. Marriage is a long road, with a lot of twists and turns in it. The trick is to keep communicating, even when you feel like you might not have the right to say anything. You do have the right. You can ask your husband for his forgiveness for the times that you didn't understand or meet his needs. I'm sure a lot of those times were legitimate and don't need to be apologized for, but it's a first step. Then you can ask him for his patience while you adjust to changing hormones, and his support in helping you satisfy your new found sexual needs. IMHO that's part of marriage.


 
I have apologized to him and told him that I understand now how much I hurt him. He says he understood at the time and that he has no hard feelings at all. We also talk about my crazy libido and the fact that for the most part we both love it. I've admitted that I get frustrated and hurt when he rejects me, but he assures me that he isn't rejecting ME, he's just sometimes stressed or tired and needs a break. I try to understand.




pplwatching said:


> This takes really good intimate communication to negotiate, and then some coordination to pull off. Some of us really enjoy it, though. Others don't. My wife doesn't understand why I enjoy it, but a big part of it is that it keeps me longing for her. If I didn't enjoy the way it feels, I'm not sure if I'd do it for that reason alone.
> 
> Good luck!


My problem with the "bring him close but don't let him finish" is that it doesn't always seem to have the desired effect. In the hopes of insuring a night of great sex I've sometimes met him at the door when he comes home from work and given him a bj until he's close, but then stopped and told him we'd take up where I left off later, or let him catch me changing after work and encouraged a little preview of what's to come later, but stopped before either of us finish. Unfortunately this does not at all insure that I'll get sex later. Sometimes he makes no attempt to continue where we left off and in fact seems to forget that anything even happened, and I end up frustrated as hell. I've never tried that over a few days though. Maybe that would be different.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Honestly, it seems like the two of you need to communicate a little better at those times. You wrote that you initiate the tease and "preview" (which is great, by the way). If I understand what you wrote after that, you expect him to initiate later on to pick up where you left off. Does he know that you _expect_ him to initiate later and has he said that he would? Or could he be thinking that you will, or that if it's important to you that you'd let him know? Do you think you'd get better results if you "own the day"? When you initiate sex at the door then you also be the one to initiate again later? 

Being a pretty big fan of this sort of thing myself, I know that it seems crazy that he would be thinking of anything else until he gets you in bed. I have spent a couple of days in a row doing this sort of thing, so I have a little bit of experience with this. Honestly once I cool off I'm not jonesing for it as bad as even I think I would be. Things come up that distract my attention. If I'm tired, I might even not be thinking about sex when I go to bed. 

If you're getting sex very frequently, but just not frequently enough at this point, then perhaps you simply need to adjust your expectations and learn some coping mechanisms. Would you be alright if he helped you masturbate instead?


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

michzz said:


> Then define it. I gave you two reasonable definitions. What is your definition?


In an analogy to putting a cork in a bottle. The bottle is always there doesnt have to be made. The cork has to be made everytime.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Getting what I deserve?*



I'mAllIn said:


> This sounds like a really good idea, and could maybe be a lot of fun too.
> 
> I can't even imagine going weeks without sexual contact at this point, and that really bothers me. I actually wish that sex wasn't so important to me, that I didn't like it so much or want it so often. It would be easier.


you get it.

I honestly, at times, hope her drive goes crazy in her 40's.... and I develop ED. as much as I love sex, when I'm feeling really bitter....like tonight... I'd love to be able to say "see. now you know what it was like".

but, I'm especially bitter tonight, as it's been a few days, and when I suggested we head to bed early, she said she was fine, that we should watch a movie first. of course, by the time the movie was over, she was "exhausted" and "her tummy was a little upset away"

excuses. any will due, if you really aren't interested.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

soulsearch said:


> you get it.
> 
> I honestly, at times, hope her drive goes crazy in her 40's.... and I develop ED. as much as I love sex, when I'm feeling really bitter....like tonight... I'd love to be able to say "see. now you know what it was like".
> 
> ...



Oh man, your wife sounds like mine but I no longer initiate and we have sex 1x month. I am loosing my sex drive and when her's finally goes up, 40's?, too bad for her. What goes around comes around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

accept1 said:


> Well I meant something very simple which I am sure Elegirl, a long time poster understood. But for some reason will not acknowledge that the sexes have different roles to play and is not happy with the fact that the female role is what I call passive.


What a load of nonsense. Your imagination about what I think it nothing more than your imagination.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

The denial of sex can be a "power game" and it sounds like you did play it in the earlier years of your marriage. You probably have a dominate type personality in several ways and you felt you needed to express it with the best tool available, which was sex.
Now that being said if he is giving you the same treatment then he is taking his turn at the "power game". However it is not justified. One of the major aspects of marriage is the one of forgiveness and that is what is important. So just discuss the situation with him. 
When you do I am almost certain that you will find that there are other reasons for his lack of interest in sex. They could range from ED to health issues like diabetes. Further it could just simply be age. It could be work or financial concerns there multiple reasons.
In short, it probably is not a matter of getting what you deserve, it is more than likely one of many other reasons. Find out what they are then work with him from there and see if things change.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> For a long time in the earlier years of my marriage I rejected my husband's sexual advances....sometimes. More than I should have probably. I blamed it on the exhaustion of raising children while holding down a full time job, or being angry with him for this or that. Doesn't really matter why, just that I did it.
> 
> Fast forward a few years, I turn 40, and my sex drive shifts into overdrive AND I discover a rough sex fantasy that I never knew existed. I now want sex pretty much every day of the week, and my husband is the one who turns me down. Not always mind you, but....sometimes. And it sucks. I feel rejected and sexually frustrated and pissed off. I would have said no a hell of a lot less if I had known how crappy it feels.



Has the basic dynamic between you two actually changed? I'm asking this as a man whose wife experienced a similar surge in libido, although she is older than you. 

Regardless of whether she was only interested in sex once in awhile or interested in sex every single day of the week, the dynamic is still the same. --Her desire defines the relationship.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

ocotillo said:


> Her desire defines the relationship.


GREAT insight. I think this nails it. As a man, if feels lousy to have no power in this regard. That's the source of the problem. It's still all about you. I don't think a lot of us believe " I would have said no a hell of a lot less if I had known how crappy it feels."


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> Has the basic dynamic between you two actually changed? I'm asking this as a man whose wife experienced a similar surge in libido, although she is older than you.
> 
> Regardless of whether she was only interested in sex once in awhile or interested in sex every single day of the week, the dynamic is still the same. --Her desire defines the relationship.


Sexually the dynamic has not changed in our relationship. Neither one of us holds more "power" than the other, and really never have. For the most part if one of us wants to have sex, we have sex, no matter who initiates. There have been periods of time where one or the other took the lead so to speak in bed, either in wanting more frequency or wanting to try something new, but I think that's pretty normal

Some people took my post to mean that I rejected my husband more often than not, and that he was doing the same to me now, which is not the case. It happened/happens very infrequently, but that doesn't make it any less painful when it happens which is what I've learned and what I wish other spouses who are rejecting their partners would realize. I am lucky that overall we have a terrific sex life, I'm just so HD right now I'm not sure anyone could keep up with me.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> GREAT insight. I think this nails it. As a man, if feels lousy to have no power in this regard. That's the source of the problem. It's still all about you. I don't think a lot of us believe " I would have said no a hell of a lot less if I had known how crappy it feels."


It concerns me not one bit whether anyone believes me, I have no reason to lie here. There aren't words to even describe how much I love my husband. I would do anything for him, would never intentionally hurt him. Not once did my husband push the issue when I declined to have sex, never even hinted that it was a big deal to wait for another night. I've asked him why he didn't tell me back then how aweful it felt to be rejected and he says it wasn't a big deal for him, that he knew I really was tired and he didn't feel neglected or anything.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Maybe I didn't see it but have you broached this new kinky sex fantasy with him? What was his reaction?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Maybe I didn't see it but have you broached this new kinky sex fantasy with him? What was his reaction?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I posted a VERY long time ago about my rough sex fantasy, asking advice on how to get my nice guy husband to go for it. I got some good advice then, took some of it. I've only gotten him about...oh...1/3 of the way to where I think I'd like to get and we're stuck there with no idea how to get him to go farther. I've considered reviving the thread but some people get their panties in a wad when you do that so I haven't.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

From my personal experience and I went through the EXACT same thing.. it was his aging body. He is over 40 now and his T levels were low. His Vitamin D was low and because of some failed attempts his confidence suffered so he was scared to even try. After a few secret visits to the doctor.. he got some Cialis and Vitamin D.. we had great sex a few times that week so his confidence was boosted.. He confessed all and apologized for not telling me sooner. He still takes the C about twice a week just to keep it in his system, takes his vitamins regular and is working out at the gym more. Physical Health really makes a huge difference in the bedroom. And as an FYI, I did apologize for saying No a lot in the past.. It is a SUCKY feeling to be told NO.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'mAllIn said:


> I posted a VERY long time ago about my rough sex fantasy, asking advice on how to get my nice guy husband to go for it. I got some good advice then, took some of it. I've only gotten him about...oh...1/3 of the way to where I think I'd like to get and we're stuck there with no idea how to get him to go farther. I've considered reviving the thread but some people get their panties in a wad when you do that so I haven't.


Wow. Must be kinky as hell him to have such a hard time chewing on it.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Wow. Must be kinky as hell him to have such a hard time chewing on it.


Not really that kinky, I don't think so anyway. Just between the way he was raised and his natural personality, plus the fact that I didn't even hint that I wanted anything like this until we'd been married for 20 years means I'll probably have to pretty much draw him a picture or outright spell it out for him. Hinting and being subtle about it just isn't working.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Spelling it out if he is likely to be alarmed by it may not be the best of ideas. It may put him off sex if he thinks he might be expected to do something he doesn't much like the idea of.

My husband is pretty conservative about sex (though he wouldn't say so). Everything has to be pretty traditional. I'd happily give him a blow job right to the end (and would like to) but he has categorically said that is never going to happen.

As for the mismatch - I know how you feel. I have gone into overdrive too, now that I am in my mid forties. And he has ED to add to the mix.

We deal with the issue by my initiating most of the time (but not always) but understanding that we may well not end up with full intercourse because if he hasn't taken his pill or has had a bit to drink that just won't happen. We will just have a play.


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