# Can talking about attractions help avoid infidelity?



## Kittle (Aug 10, 2009)

I don't know if this is really the right place for this, but I'm struggling with my fiance's position on attraction and communication.

We're in our late 20s, and both have failed marriages behind us. He has suffered through a couple of relationships that were really doomed by jealousy--situations in which he couldn't look at a woman on the street without being labeled evil and unloving. I'm not like that, but we are talking about marriage, and the topic of fidelity has come up.

His theory is this: that, as a male, he's going to have impulses, and he refuses to believe that the impulses themselves are wrong. Clearly, acting on them would be. His solution is to talk to me about them, believing that open communication will keep anything from festering privately, and will keep us close by avoiding guilty secrets. 

I like this in theory, but at the same time I'm really nervous about these potential conversations--after a day of working and taking care of our son, if he comes home to tell me that he's attracted to a girl at work, will I just burst into tears? Please give me some feedback; I don't want my nervousness to turn into the kind of thing that itself ruins a relationship, but I also don't want to agree to a marital condition (listening and trusting) if I can't uphold it
. 
Help?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think there is a difference between, you not slapping up side the head everytime you see him look at an attractive female, and him coming home and listing all the fine qualities of every female he saw that day. I think guys are just going to look, but unless you WANT to discuss it, he should keep his comments to himself. It is bound to do a number on your self esteem over time and then all the open communication in the world isn't going to make you feel good about yourself, which then is likely to lead to that jealousy he is so afraid of.


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## Kittle (Aug 10, 2009)

Right--see, that's my concern. I don't think he intends to come home and list every attractive girl who walked by him that day, but I do know that he feels it's vitally important--in fact, necessary for fidelity--to tell me when he interacts with someone who strikes him as "special." Not to get permission; not to cause hurt; but to know that we have no secrets. 

My problem is that I know he's going to meet people he likes out in the world. And so will I. And maybe I'm blowing the conversations out of proportion--I can imagine myself coming home and talking about some awesome guy I met at the farmers market who we should invite over to dinner. I think that kind of ease may be what he's aiming for, but the vital importance of the beforehand establishment is making me nervous.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I trusted my H. He shared things - sometimes. He shared enough to make me feel like I was in the know. I didn't trust my gut. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After 20 years of knowing him, and 15 years of marriage he admitted to one physical and one emotional affair. I was blindsided - not because I didn't know. Because when I look back, I knew. I just never thought he'd do it because of how strong our communication/relationship was. Now he in many ways is like a stranger. He's just flat out not the person I thought he was. Not sure how this helps. Just trust you gut. Say what you need to say. And if something is bothering you be clear and get clarity. You know.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

As a guy I can tell you talking helps. I sometimes build up situations and fantasies that I never intend to act on, but unless I express them somehow they can detract from my attention to the real situation. Actually saying out loud to another person 99% of the time makes me realize how rediculous the idea is and then I can toss it aside like the crap it is. I think your man is just being honest with you that he sometimes has flashes of infidelity and exposing them to the light of reality through telling them to you is a way he wants to deal with them.

This is in no way a reflection on you or your relationship. I think all people, men and wemon, have these thoughts and your man is just suggesting a way of handeling them if those thoughts start to run away with us. You shouldn't be confused that it is something that he feels is lacking or that he even really wants.

It is similar to dreaming. How often to you actually dream about something you actually want to happen? My awnser would be less than 5%. Usually dreams aren't even remembered, but I have had a few that recurred and became a source of some anxiety. Talking about them helps, but just because I have a dream about falling doesn't mean I am afraid of heights.

In that same way just because he has thoughts about a different girl doesn't mean he actually wants her. When I fantasize about a girl she is perfect for me because I have no clue what she is really like. Once you get to see the real thing the folly of assuming is exposed. Just like once you actually talk about it with someone the folly is exposed. I think he just wants you to be comfortable listening to him make a fool of himself from time to time as a gaurd against actually becomming a fool. It is a very good thing.


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## Kittle (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks for the replies! I feel a whole lot better now, after freaking myself out a bit yesterday. I know he loves me, and the fact that he wants to be able to talk is a really great thing, even if honesty might sometimes be painful.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

stillINshock said:


> I trusted my H. He shared things - sometimes. He shared enough to make me feel like I was in the know. I didn't trust my gut. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After 20 years of knowing him, and 15 years of marriage he admitted to one physical and one emotional affair. I was blindsided - not because I didn't know. Because when I look back, I knew. I just never thought he'd do it because of how strong our communication/relationship was. Now he in many ways is like a stranger. He's just flat out not the person I thought he was. Not sure how this helps. Just trust you gut. Say what you need to say. And if something is bothering you be clear and get clarity. You know.


stillINshock, I completely understand, as I loved and trusted my H more than virtually anyone on this Earth...until I discovered he was having an affair, that lasted for seven months. I thought he was darn near perfect. Now I wonder if I really ever even knew him. It was a shock and totally devastated me. I will never truly trust him, and I probably will never feel the same about him again. Not much shocks me, but this sent me reeling. 

It has changed me a great deal and I hate the person that I have become. I was never like this before, with all the anger, resentment and pain like I had never experienced before. I am slowly trying to work this out, but it certainly hasn't been easy.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

My wife and I used to talk about attractions during sex as a turn on but then she took it too far and had an affair with a friend of mine. I think this can be done in some cases but you have to watch that it is not taken too far, especially if your own sex life is suffering. By the way, ours was not at all and it still happened.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

If people are looking for guarantees, they're fooling themselves.

The best way for someone to deal with an attraction to someone "special" is to cut that person out of their life. So if he finds someone special and discusses it with you but continues to interact with them, how will this talking help? It'll only make you think that you're in the clear when you're not. 

Is he willing to get rid of the other person or does he really believe that if he's truly interested in her that talking with you will magically make the interest disappear?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, so if I happen to glance at a girl just being out somewhere and I notice she is good looking, I will think to myself, wow, she is beautiful. BUT, do I go home and tell W, hey I just checked out this woman and she was hot, etc., etc. Oh, hell no! And I don't expect her to to tell me if the shoe was on the other foot, because I think that would be hurtful. It is something that I think should be kept personal and it does not mean anything at all - I believe this is natural instinct. It doesn't make me love my W less, it doesn't make me want to go have an affiar with the good looking girl. It is just what it is, we men look. Now, IMO that is NOT the same as going to my office and striking up a conversation with another woman and taking an interest in her and then going home and telling my wife, "hey, guess what, I met this really interesting woman today and we talked for while," etc., etc. To me there is a VERY fine line there between a glancing look and an emotional affair. I wouldn't trying to lay the groundwork for having an EA if you were you two but that is just my opinion.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

My wife and I are very open and honest about this, I can honestly say if I see a woman I think is atractive or not.

I also have, wow she is really pretty, but a complete psycho. My wife can say the same thing about males, if she finds a male attractive or not.

I have friend that is attractive but his personality sucks, and she says that, He is good looking but a DB.

We trust each other fully and neither get jealous. When my guys ask me about this I say, well let's get realistic, if I tell my wife that Cindy is good looking, that I am not going to dump my wife to run off with Cindy, for what? sex? I get plenty.

I always viewed affairs as a waste of time, money and a headache...what allt his "stealth" worrying for what? sex??? 

There is so much more to a woman then sex, and my wife has everything I look for and somethings I wasn't looking for and somethings I rather not see...lol

But it's a package deal, not like I am brad pitt either.


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## variety (Sep 6, 2009)

sure, I see that man can find other than wife/girlfriend/significant-other attractive and woman can too. Everything in moderation and if "looking" hurts your partner than don't do it in front of them, if "talking about it" hurts your partner than don't do it.... 
It is common sense. I think it is more of a problem if someone keeps on doing things knowing that it hurts the person you love.

Slightly off the topic, but you hear when a woman is scantily dressed and men respond by "giving them what they want". Yes, perhaps the woman should have dressed respectively if that is how she wants to be treated, however, men should also mind their responses and think about the consequences.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Since most affairs are not about sex, but just include sex, I think GA is missing a large point about affairs. People risk an awful lot for affairs so there has to be more to it than just sex. 

I wonder how many guys don't think about going after the really hot girl simply because they know they would have no chance with her and how different it might be if they knew they could get her. So does talking about the attraction really have no meaning or is it a lie that if they had the choice of trading in the present "OK" looking wife for the hot woman that they'd do it. There's a huge difference between being realistic that they coldn't get the girl and another thing truly meaning, "I choose you over everyone else."


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well Kittle do you trust him?

I work with two very attractive women, one single one Married.

I tell my wife about these women and I do say they are very attractive.

The single one, I find is very attractive, very controlling and a bit of a "psycho case"...I tell this to my wife and this is my opinion of her.

the married one, is very sweet but a Alchoholic, A big tiome Alchoholic, how big? the kind that goes across the street to drink a Liter of vodka in 10 min and come back to work...Hammered at 10AM. 

But I am completely open with my wife, I tell her all this, I tell her how I feel sorry for these women or their husbands/boyfriends.


My wife trusts me, she knows to trust me, we built a life together and I get ewverything I need from her and our kids.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Kittle said:


> after a day of working and taking care of our son, if he comes home to tell me that he's attracted to a girl at work, will I just burst into tears?


This is what would worry me as well. While I don't think it's necessary or beneficial to announce every person you come in contact with that you might find attractive, I can understand his point if it is someone that you have frequent contact with and you feel yourself drawn to them. Talking about it would somewhat remove the fantasy aspect.

I suppose if this were the case, timing should be taken into account...it isn't as if you need to spill the beans the minute you have these feelings, but perhaps carefully guage the right time/place to bring it up.

The bigger issue is if someone has made inappropriate advances, comments, etc. that draw the line and it happens to be someone you are attracted to, that you discuss it. In those cases, if there's stuff going on at home, temptation can be pretty high.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

nope she isn't, but hard not to look at her and feel bad, I mean she is very pretty and she has this horrible self confidence issue and this addiction...She will probably be fired soon


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> She will probably be fired soon


I would certainly hope so...for everyone's sake! ray:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You know, you'd think that people like that would get fired "soon" but in my limited experience, with litigation being what it is these days, it usually takes a lot longer than you'd expect. I've been baffled how someone at my workplace has been able to hold on to her >100K/year job while being sloshed as often as she is. It is sad for her and shameful for our organization. Her reports are very unhappy and people simply don't take her seriously any longer. But she's still employed...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

hmmm this is a difficult one because I agree with you but on the other hand having open communication can make a strong marriage. My H had an affair and we both wish he would have come to me and said something was wrong. Ultimately we are trying to fix it but now so much more to fix. So I would not have been happy to hear about his feelings then but it would have saved so much pain later on. 

But this has to be handled delicately, and at the right time and you don't need to know every time a pretty girl past him, nor should you need to tell him every time a guy caught your eye. 

Attraction in itself is not wrong, acting on those impulses is and that means obsessing on them too. In other words, someone who continues to fantasize about having an affair with a coworker, that could have a negative impact on the marriage. 

I think encourage open communication with him and you will work it out.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

"In other words, someone who continues to fantasize about having an affair with a coworker, that could have a negative impact on the marriage. "

Absolutely!! Not all fantasy is harmless and this is one area where all you're doing is lowering resistance.


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