# Disrespectful...thoughts?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My husband has recently - within the last two weeks - started being quite nasty to me at times seemingly out of nowhere. I have told him I do not appreciate being treated that way and won't stand for it, to which he quiets down and apologizes, until he snaps again the next day.

It is very unlike him to behave that way, what's with the sudden change in behavior? We both are known to have opinions but usually express them easily and without fighting. I listen to his opinions about things. I don't know...I am sure this is one of those things where he's really angry about something else completely unrelated and I have to figure out what it is. I am trying to figure out if this is caused by something I did or didn't do and the guessing game is maddening. He refuses to talk about it.

For an example of the kinds of things Im talking about -

Looking to buy a shed at Home Depot, we disagree on what size and when I tell him I think we should really think about it before making a decision, he responds yelling "Just do whatever you want, your ideas are so stupid I wont even try to talk sense into you, I won't even be involved just get what you want and don't come to me for help getting it home or putting it together." This was said in a very loud and volatile tone right in the middle of the store with a crowd of people watching.

Tonight talking about the cat, who I think might be sick and need to go to the vet, I asked him some questions about her recent behavior trying to figure out her health, and he raises his voice at me in front of our kids saying "why the fick are you asking me about the cat, like I give a sh!t what the cat does all day and watch her every move, I don't care take her to the vet, let her die, I don't care." 

I don't get it. Thoughts? What should I be doing or saying to figure this out right now? This has been just about every day for the last two weeks. Its always in response to something completely mundane too...like no.precipitation to the fight, just a normal convo and then bam - claws are out. It has consistently caught me off guard and I find it unsettling. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Any other signs of oddness? Phone usage, gone more, etc?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I forgot to mention - nothing really out of the ordinary that would be obvious to me anyway. I have no reason to believe he's cheating or anything, we seriously don't have time and we are open book on everything...passwords and accounts and phones so I can check on him anytime. I dunno...I think I did something to piss him off but who knows what??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

change of patterns, taking you for granted,,,How are his emotions, maybe something with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Talk to him?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

What about work or money stresses? Sick parents or kids??
What other stresses does he have?

Really until he tells you it's guess work but until he does keep pulling him up on it...it is disrespectful!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

My WH/EH/STBXH started doing this, too. We used to get along so amazingly. Out of nowhere, he started being a complete jerk. No matter what I did, it was wrong and he'd snap about everything. He also yelled at me in a store. After months, it escalated into verbal and emotional abuse.

I never in a million years would have believed he would cheat on me. But, that's what it turned out to be. 

Secret accounts, fake names, going out when he was supposedly elsewhere or I was asleep or at work. I didn't see it coming. I fell apart. I would advise anyone else in the future to always be a little wary of red flags.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's contempt. When people start being condescending to those they supposedly love for no reason that you can find, it's because their love is going somewhere else. Are there any other red flags for cheating? Any precursors to his weird behavior?

Keep an eye on him. See if he's hiding anything. See if he has weird stress in his life that's making him volatile. It could be cheating. It could be an EA. It could be stress from work. Try talking to him. See how he responds. Don't rug-sweep this. Something is going on and you want to find out what it is.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

That's stress.

Something is stressing him off the wall.

You may not understand it, but he does. 

You need to catch him in a calm moment and ask him straight up about what is wrong.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> That's stress.
> 
> Something is stressing him off the wall.
> 
> ...


Thanks.

Yea, we have a LOT of stress in our lives. And even that is a huge understatement. I could make lists for days - but most recent top stressors that have happened over the last month - 

- We owe a sizeable amount of money on taxes this year. We knew about the money and had saved enough last year to cover this expense but then one of the cars died unexpectedly and that money went to purchasing a new (used) car. So we've been really pinching pennies since January in order to meet this April 15th payment. I recently was able to sell a lot of our old stuff on consignement and made a good profit, enough to cover half of these expenses, and I have budgeted that it will be tight but we should be able to pay in full in cash on April 15 - however it's been a lot of uncertainty in getting there. 

- A couple of weeks ago his company laid off half of it's employees, he was spared from the lay offs. It appears that his companies future is in doubts and there's a lot of rumors going around that it might shut down. We both work FT jobs, but he makes twice my salary and is the "breadwinner" so to speak. My salary alone is not enough to support us if he lost his job. 

There is other stuff going on, not marraige related, that is stressful for both of us but I wont list it all. I have been keeping my own complaints/vents to myself for about the last month and have been trying to be quietly supportive for him...really making an effort here to be kind and gentle with him...and it feels like a slap in the face to be lashed at constantly. 

When I attempt to talk to him, he won't speak about it. Obviously I tried that first, before coming here. He simply says "I don't know what's wrong with me, sorry." and that is it. The more I press, the more he shuts down, so I dont push the issue. He is like a vault.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rule out an affair. All the classic signs are there.

But ... having to pay a big amount in taxes and him doubting his employment is major stress for anyone. Talk to him about how he feels and validate his feelings but also stand your ground and tell him you do not appreciate him taking out his bad moods on you. 

My exH was like this too--but he was that way constantly. It got very old.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Okay, now I KNOW I am sounding like a broken record, but this sounds like borderline personality, I just need more facts. How long have you been married? Some people with borderline don't show signs of it well into adulthood and it's usually taken out on the person they love most. 

How many children do you have? Talking about the cat in front of the kids hits a sore spot with me. When I was little, my cat Punkin died in the basement of old age. I found out years later that my father was in a rage and was sick of the smell of cat piss so he drowned her in the downstairs sink. I have never told another soul about it until now. 

Start looking up stuff on borderline personality, a great book is STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, I don't know the author but I am sure you can find it just by the title. See if your H has any of these behaviors, then you will know how to proceed.

As others have mentioned, he may be in an affair, or he may not be getting enough sex. There are so many variables, but we will all work it out together. That is what we are here for.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and btw, I did (and do) wonder many times if my exH was BPD (as Endless suggested).


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

ya know... sometimes males and females react to stress in exactly opposite ways.

males - sometimes.. feel like they are making progress and feel better by achieving objectives. Say - by buying a shed. Task complete.

women - sometimes.. feel like they are making progress and feel better by working through the process. Say by talking for an hour over all the nuances of getting said shed, where it would go, how big, what color.. how many shelves are on the inside, where the door goes.. windows?

If you both atr stressed out - and it sounds like you are - it may help him to explain that it helps you to talk about this sort of thing if you think that this is part of it. He may feel you are simply complicating things and mindlessly babbling about 'stupid' irrelevant things. Bottom line is.. he is too fixated on the goal to really see your side of the equation.

The cat thing is the same thing - you need to talk it through and he acts like it is a simple binary question - go to the vet or dont.

He is being a bit of an a$$ and a jerk, but if it is really out of character - than the both of you may simply be misunderstanding each others motives. He does need to find a better way to deal with the conflict than blowing up, or giving up or dishing out abuse - and he should be told so. He may react differently if you explain where you are coming from?

I may be totally off base, just thinking out loud.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kag123 said:


> Thanks.
> 
> Yea, we have a LOT of stress in our lives. And even that is a huge understatement. I could make lists for days - but most recent top stressors that have happened over the last month -
> 
> ...


Even if you are not hit directly by a layoff it strikes home. Everyone around you is more stressed. You may have to work harder and longer hours because they are gone. 

In general stress increases a man's sex drive. However, financial stress will suppress this.

If you say the stress is too long to go into, it may just be that it has overwhelmed him.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

endlessgrief said:


> This sounds like borderline personality....


I disagree, Endless. There is nothing in this thread indicating that the H is emotionally unstable, has a fragile self image, has persistent temper tantrums, is unable to trust, always thinks of himself as a victim, or frequently does black-white thinking. Moreover, if you read Kag's 31 posts in her other threads, I don't believe you will find any discussion of such behaviors there. I did not find them.

Further, even if Kag had identified most of the BPD traits, the most she would be able to say would be that her H "has strong BPD traits." She could not conclude that "he has BPD" because only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to constitute the full blown disorder.


> Some people with borderline don't show signs of it well into adulthood ....


I've never heard of that happening so, if you have a cite to a professional making such a statement, I would appreciate your giving it to us. That seems contrary to what the Diagnostic Manual requires for a diagnosis because one criteria is that the dysfunctional behavior "be persistent." If I am mistaken about that, I sure would like to know because I like to learn from my mistakes.

It is my understanding that, because the damage to the emotional core is fully established in early childhood, BPD traits typically start showing themselves at puberty -- when the adolescent is starting to form LTRs outside the home and is having to deal with hormone changes. After the traits emerge, they are persistent and do not disappear for years at a time. Anyone who has the full-blown disorder is simply so handicapped by the thought distortion (which is what BPD is) that he is incapable of suppressing the traits until "well into adulthood."

In Kag's case, she and her H have been together for seven years and she says "he started being quite nasty to me" only two weeks ago. If being nasty for two weeks in seven years were sufficient to constitute BPD, then nearly every adult on the planet would have that disorder.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

lol....this forum.

Not only do people use those ridiculous acronyms all the time, but there's that immediate suspicion of cheating when something is off.

The dude is stressed about money and losing his job and is snapping at someone he sees all the time. Typical human behavior actually.

Not excusing his behavior but sometimes the simple answer is the right one.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I don't get it. Thoughts? What should I be doing or saying to figure this out right now? This has been just about every day for the last two weeks. Its always in response to something completely mundane too...like no.precipitation to the fight, just a normal convo and then bam - claws are out. It has consistently caught me off guard and I find it unsettling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some external stressor is causing him to revert to a dysfunctional behavior pattern, probably without his even realizing it. The exact cause is not that important because if it wasn't this, it would be something else. The question is where did he see this behavior (maybe his father) or when did he use it before (maybe when he was 5). If he can put it together that he is being overcome by something from his past, he may well be able to identify when it is coming on and short circuit the impulses using modern anger management techniques


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

From the timing perspective looks like the layoff related stress seems to have pushed him over the edge, unfortunately he seems to be using you as the punching bag to release the stress and takes you for granted. Further looks like he has closed down to any discussion.

From the tone of your post you seem to be a very calm and reasonable lady. Sometimes when I am in a fix I meditate and ask myself for an advice and I seem to find a good answer. It is weird but sometimes husbands behave in a very child-like manner with their wives. And sometimes it works to treat them as such - shout back at him and ask him to behave (not in front of anyone that could damage his ego), or ask him open ended questions and get him to talk while being patient etc... watch some comedy movies to lighten the situation, get him involved in a hobby where he can release the emotions.

Not sure about the affair scenario. I hope that's no the case. You would be the best judge in determining that. 

Goodluck!!


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I wanted to thank you all for the responses....the layoff thing certainly is causing a lot of stress (for us both, although I wouldn't tell him that). I have to admit I am a little shocked at some of the extreme suggestions of cheating and personality disorders! I have no reason to suspect either...although I have to admit that I did end up checking his email and his phone (we openly share all electronics and passwords) and of course found nothing, and in the process couldn't believe I was actually looking for this kind of thing.

Anyway he has gotten a bit better, there haven't been any more mean comments in the last week. I was pretty firm with him that I wouldn't tolerate it. But there's still no real talking going on about his current stress, so I can only stand quietly and hope that my presence is supportive enough for him. I've been making an effort to be kind and keep his non-work related stress to a minimum.

As for a shed...I actually suggested that we build our own shed from scratch ...husband is an architect and enjoys those kinds of projects...and that seemed to lift his spirits some. I thought it might be a nice project for him to do in his spare time to keep his mind off of stress. Hopefully it works. He enjoys tinkering around in the yard and in his garden so I have been trying to give him time to do things he enjoys doing. Hopefully the kindness doesn't go unnoticed? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

You are handling this in a very mature fashion! That is amazing. I am sure your kindness and support will not go unnoticed!! From your posts I personally don't think it could be affair or disorder related as well... probably just a passing phase that will go away soon. Building a shed is a great idea!

I would also recommend, keep yourself busy by reading some good books to avoid the 'empty devils mind' scenario. It is easy to go into a negative thinking cycle. My personal favorites are 'The Secret', 'Positive Mental Attitude', Dale Carnegie books - 'How to Influence People and Win Friends' as well as 'How to Stop worrying and start living', 'Mars and Venus' series, '7 Habits of Highly Effective People'.... all amazing books (general reads, not marriage related in particular)


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