# Communication????



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I've read in many threads that couples have to communicate. I've been talking with my wife a lot lately about our relationship, kids, finances etc.

So I send her a text a while ago asking if she would give me a haircut. What a fvcking mistake!!! I get an encyclopedia length response about her being tired, stressed, no time to herself and so on. It seems like anytime we talk all I can feel from her is utter resentment!!! 

I replied if she is too busy I understand and we can do it another time no biggie. Well!!!, another page long reply. I'm thinking to myself, all this over a fvcking haircut??? I know I'm not perfect, I'll be the first to admit that that. I do quite a bit around the house, cooking 5-6 times a week, getting the kids ready for school everyday, the dishes are always done driveway is always shoveled on her side for sure. I clean up when I see a mess etc. 
it's gotten to the point that if I wake up, in the morning I've done something to piss her off!!!! 

I'm damn near the end of my rope, all this over a haircut???? I just don't know what to think anymore. If I do A she gets upset because I should have done B. If I did B, I should have done A as well. Thankfully I. Didn't even hint at sex!!! God only knows what kind of response that would conjure. 

I'm getting to the pint that maybe separation may be in order. I'm constantly turned down for sex to the point I'm starting to search for porn sites to watch on my phone. I don't even think of her any more when I rub one out. 

Any ideas?? I'm at a loss as to what she wants from me (if anything).


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Maybe you need to communicate what you wrote here, rather than about a haircut.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Nub... This seems to be a complete contradiction to the progress you were making in your other thread. Things seemed to be improving dramatically in your recent posts in that thread. You had some good talks and I thought (maybe incorrectly) there was an agreement about the sexual part as well.

What has changed? Or maybe I should ask, has nothing really changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

thenub said:


> I've read in many threads that couples have to communicate. I've been talking with my wife a lot lately about our relationship, kids, finances etc.
> 
> So I send her a text a while ago asking if she would give me a haircut. What a fvcking mistake!!! I get an encyclopedia length response about her being tired, stressed, no time to herself and so on. It seems like anytime we talk all I can feel from her is utter resentment!!!
> 
> ...


Did you communicate this to her? Not about the haircut but that you were so tired of being a emotional punching bag that you were considering leaving?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It's not the haircut. Get past that. She is trying to tell you how she feels and the haircut just prompted feelings to come out. So without the connection to the haircut, take in account all the things she has said, she means it all and you are best to understand what she is feeling.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

The only time I get really upset over a simple request is when I feel I'm being taken for granted and used. I might be getting upset because I was asked to do 1 little thing but it's really the hundreds of other little things he's asked for over the past little while all together. It doesn't sound like you're putting too much on her plate if you're doing your share though. Do you ask her to do stuff like this for you often? 
She's an Acts of Service person, right?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Happy as a clam
In my other thread I figured things were going great. We were discussing all aspects of the relationship.
Her monthly visitor showed up so I know anything sexual is off the table. I had asked her when we had out blow up why she resents me. She never did answer. Said it was in the past. 
I know she is completely stressed about our financial situation as well. She seems to think I don't care about it. I told her I'm stressed too, but I know if I toss and turn and lose sleep over it, the problem will still be there in the morning.i can face the fact that worrying about things doesn't change the facts. 
Years ago when the paper industry took a hit, I lost my job of almost 22years. It stressed me out but all the worrying in the world wouldn't change the fact that I was about to loose my job.she has always been a worrier and then takes it out on me when I'm not showing I'm as worried about things as she is. 
I seriously thought we were making progress in our relationship but maybe I was fooling myself, I just don't know. Maybe she/we need therapy idk?? 
She has always tried to be super mom and never asks for help, I offer but she says she's fine. Then this happens and I feel like I'm being blamed for causing all the strife on this planet. Nothing I do is good enough anymore. 
Maybe she's upset that I've been getting more looks from women since I started lifting?? Idk!! 
I just feel like I'm backed into a corner.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
when there are communication issues DO NOT use texts, emails etc. These lack all of the normal clues to human interaction so the recipient may unconsciously fill in what they were expecting. 

A simple and reasonable request might be read as a "demand".


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

thenub said:


> I've read in many threads that couples have to communicate. I've been talking with my wife a lot lately about our relationship, kids, finances etc.
> 
> So I send her a text a while ago asking if she would give me a haircut. What a fvcking mistake!!! I get an encyclopedia length response about her being tired, stressed, no time to herself and so on. It seems like anytime we talk all I can feel from her is utter resentment!!!
> 
> ...


It may come to separation but maybe the first step is to explain what you're willing to live with and what's not going to work. For starters that resentful anger where everything you do is wrong is a showstopper in my opinion. If that gets fixed then some of the other stuff might come around on it's own. It's about defending your own worth and not giving her the right to treat you disrespectfully if she wants you around.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Here's where we are now. My wife came home and apologized for bring "psyco" ok, no problem. I told her I keep trying to make our relationship better and it seems like she just pushes me away. I then said maybe we should just sell the house and get two apartments because I think she doesn't want me around. Maybe a separation??? So I suggested she think about it because I'm just going to keep working on me.
I suggest to go through her EAP and maybe try councilling to help her cope with stress management (no response there). 
I told her I am always willing to step in and take on more if she feels overwhelmed (which I would do in a heartbeat) but she never asks. Maybe she's afraid of looking weak? Idk. 
I also suggested no more discussions by text or email. She agreed saying I seem to take things out of context. Where as I'll be straight to the point (short and sometimes not too sweet). 

Badsanta;
I see you sent a pm. I can't log into messages on my phone so I'll check my computer later (I hope I can remember my log in info)


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> The only time I get really upset over a simple request is when I feel I'm being taken for granted and used. I might be getting upset because I was asked to do 1 little thing but it's really the hundreds of other little things he's asked for over the past little while all together. It doesn't sound like you're putting too much on her plate if you're doing your share though. Do you ask her to do stuff like this for you often?
> She's an Acts of Service person, right?


The thing is, I dont ask her to do anything that I am capable of doing myself. for example, she will ask if she can get me another coffee in the morning, I'll tell her it's ok, I can do it. I will however do things for her just because I know her love language is acts of service. But I will refuse to do things I think are just unreasonable (fitness tests). Maybe I do too much for her??? Again IDK. 
when things in the house break, they are fixed asap. If the girls start acting up/disrespectful, I deal with them. If her tires need air I fill them. 
Maybe we both suffer from seasonal disorder (I hate winter with a passion) maybe I need a break(i've had one week off in the last 31/2 years. I am stressed but I know how to not let it get to me. I also have sleep apnea. I can sleep for 10 hours or 3 hours and i'm always tired,yet I dont let it get to me(finally had my doc refer me to a sleep clinic. also getting T levels checked).

some weeks go by and everything is great, then the next week it's like i'm the one that introduced cancer to the human race WTF???

Im hoping once these finacial problems are under control things will get better. As for now??? I'm just going to keep keeping on.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

thenub said:


> The thing is, I dont ask her to do anything that I am capable of doing myself. for example, she will ask if she can get me another coffee in the morning, I'll tell her it's ok, I can do it. I will however do things for her just because I know her love language is acts of service. But I will refuse to do things I think are just unreasonable (fitness tests). Maybe I do too much for her??? Again IDK.
> when things in the house break, they are fixed asap. If the girls start acting up/disrespectful, I deal with them. If her tires need air I fill them.
> Maybe we both suffer from seasonal disorder (I hate winter with a passion) maybe I need a break(i've had one week off in the last 31/2 years. I am stressed but I know how to not let it get to me. I also have sleep apnea. I can sleep for 10 hours or 3 hours and i'm always tired,yet I dont let it get to me(finally had my doc refer me to a sleep clinic. also getting T levels checked).
> 
> ...


I think it's about her, not you. While she's taking it out on you, it's her s**t to own.

Don't be too discouraged though, being able to stay calm while she's panicking will impress her as time goes on. I know you are taking this personally, but I've been learning this myself, it's just her reacting. It's not really directed at you. It's tough, but it's honestly her problem, not anything you're doing wrong. She needs to learn better ways to manage her emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

It'll be just the girls and I next week as my wife leaves Monday morning for a week of working out of town. I don't know why, but I can hardly wait.
Maybe the time apart will give her a chance to think about what we talked about earlier this evening. It's going to be a rough week between driving back and forth dropping the girls off at gymnastics everyday, teaching them to cook on alternate days and dealing with their constant arguing plus being on call for after hours emergencies as well. I guess I can call it another challenge?? 
I remember a few years back my W was acting the same way towards me, but for the life of me I can't remember the cause of it or what made her calm back down (damn I hate aging).
We did arrange to have sex twice a week so I'm figuring maybe this weekend before she's gone for a week??? I won't hold my breath waiting for it to happen though. I have enough work lined up to keep me busy so if I'm not fvcking, I can at least make some $$ to pay down some debt.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

I know the feeling, you'll have a weak of peace. If she explodes again, remember she's reacting to her own issues. You are doing wonderfully, dealing with your stuff. Just don't expect a medal for it just yet.
Maybe you could try being supportive and ask her what is in her mind?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

thenub said:


> ... I told her I am always willing to step in and take on more if she feels overwhelmed ... but she never asks.


How do you offer?

"If you need any help, just let me know"? She may - perhaps unconsciously - sense this as insinuating that she should be able to, but maybe can't, manage things by herself in the household domain.

"What can I do right now to help"? = Ready, willing, able NOW but I need a steer. You may get back "Can't you see the [..whatever...] needs doing?" - sh1t test, let it go, you have the answer you sought, get on with it. 

Another tip: never do household things 100%. Always leave some small element not quite right (miss a couple of cups lying around when doing washing up, that sort of thing). You may get an earful - another sh1t test - just let it go in the knowledge that your less-than-100% hasn't "undermined" her superior competence in the household domain.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> good evening all
> when there are communication issues do not use texts, emails etc. These lack all of the normal clues to human interaction so the recipient may unconsciously fill in what they were expecting.
> 
> A simple and reasonable request might be read as a "demand".


amen!!!!!!!!


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I just read through our text exchange again. It was definitely one sided. I think she's pissed that I kept myself courteous and didn't let myself get sucked into arguing with her. Kind of comical now that I look at it again. 

She was all pleasant again last night, came and cuddled up on the couch with me. I told her that if I could figure her out, I'd be so rich, Bill Gates would be my butler. 
I'll see how today goes. We have an appointment at the bank to sign some paperwork. I'll not let myself get sucked into any more of her text kriegs.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

thenub said:


> The thing is, I dont ask her to do anything that I am capable of doing myself. for example, she will ask if she can get me another coffee in the morning, I'll tell her it's ok, I can do it. I will however do things for her just because I know her love language is acts of service. But I will refuse to do things I think are just unreasonable (fitness tests). Maybe I do too much for her??? Again IDK.
> when things in the house break, they are fixed asap. If the girls start acting up/disrespectful, I deal with them. If her tires need air I fill them.
> Maybe we both suffer from seasonal disorder (I hate winter with a passion) maybe I need a break(i've had one week off in the last 31/2 years. I am stressed but I know how to not let it get to me. I also have sleep apnea. I can sleep for 10 hours or 3 hours and i'm always tired,yet I dont let it get to me(finally had my doc refer me to a sleep clinic. also getting T levels checked).
> 
> ...


I don't buy into the whole fitness test thing and as an acts of service gal myself, no request is unreasonable and it hurts when it's turned down but that's for you to decide. Might seem counterproductive but I wonder if it might make her feel good if she offers you an AoS, like getting your coffee, and you accept. It can be her way of showing love too. Just be appreciative of it and make sure you keep returning the favours.

If she does have some depression, seasonal or otherwise, it could be making it so she can't deal with the stress and just feels overwhelmed by everything. The up and down can be caused by depression as well. Try not to make it a competition (well I can deal with stress even with X,Y and Z!) Maybe suggest some vitamins, walks together in the evening and her going to a Dr.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Well, I never thought of it that way. My parents always drilled it into our heads that if you want/need something to just do it yourself. Maybe I'm trying to get the kids to see that. 
She did plug my truck in for me last night without asking or saying anything. I did thank her for it. I have told her I appreciate all the work she does around the house as well. 
Maybe I'm just too f'ing nice all the time. 
She did text me earlier today, almost seemed like she was fishing for another argument. This time I didn't bite. If she want to say something she can say it directly to me. 
Maybe I will ask her to do the odd little thing for me and see how it goes.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Good thoughts SlowlyGoingCrazy! If she's busy all the time but you don't seem to appreciate what she does, she may feel like she's "running on empty" for appreciation. If she sees love as AoS, it could well be that she's wanting to show love in her own way and feeling rejected even.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

You mention she's supermom and wants to do all she can for the kids. Could it be that she resents that she has to be the breadwinner, when maybe deep down inside she always wanted to be the primary caretaker? Maybe she wanted to have the freedom to choose a lower-paying, lower-stress job that would allow her to focus on motherhood, but since your career unfortunately was derailed, she no longer has that option and she resents you for it. Just a thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

She does have the option to change careers if she wants but says she loves her job (gov't pension plan, benefits etc). The only thing is we would have to sell our house and downsize which is fine by me as I never really loved our house, but she on the other hand will do anything to keep it. 
I asked if she wanted to move and it was a quick no. 
Between my cabinet business and my full time job, I bring in a respectable amount. Unfortunately where we live, everything happens to be very expensive. We consistently have the highest fuel prices in the province, electricity prices are outrageous and grocery prices only go up. 
We will be taking the kids out of gymnastics for a year until we get things settled that'll be $10k to use to pay down debt. 
I've taken on repairs/upgrades to make the house more efficient to help save some $$ as well. I have also increased the # of hours I work per week. 
I predict that a year from now we will be financially better off.


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