# Update on my situation



## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

So, my wife called me twice in the last few days...we talked, and by that I mean she didn't yell at me this time. We talked about a lot of stuff, and I kept getting this sense that she felt very guilty about everything.

She admitted that she was angry at the time she filed for divorce, and apologized, and seemed like she didn't want it now, but gave me the vibe that "well the wheels are set in motion so there's no stopping this train now" kind of feeling...

It's awkward. I have to go see her tomorrow and discuss circumstances and stuff...but she is not doing well. She has been sick, losing weight (despite eating, and eating unhealthy at that) very depressed and lonely and actually passed out while at her job today. She isn't handling it nearly as well as I am. It is painful to see her going through this, despite that she was the one who wanted to divorce...still it doesn't feel good.

I still have hope for reconciliation...maybe that's the fool in me, but what can I say, I love the woman. I just also happen to know the odds...still, it's a comforting thought for now, but I'm not holding my breath.

*EDIT* OH! She also just noticed I removed her from facebook...she doesn't use it very often i guess...I did it a week ago when she blew up on me, and said some nasty things..so I detagged her and removed my "married" status....she seemed very sad, and hurt by this...though that wasn't my intention...

She asked about it, and then asked me If I was seeing someone. Made me feel weird because she wants me to move on and start dating, yet doesn't seem to want me to see anyone...


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

It sounds like she's questioning the wisdom of her rash actions, which starts up the emotional rollercoaster for you. It may be the fool in you making you feel that way, but personally I think it takes a bit of a fool in all of us to fall and stay in love in the first place. The true fools are the ones that can turn it off and on like a light switch.

I'm glad you have hope and comforting thoughts, as Yogi said "It ain't over till it's over"

I haven't been here long but I've come across a lot of your posts and advice you give people. You are very insightful and admirably wise beyond your years. No matter how this turns out, you're going to come out of this far ahead of most of us.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

SailingSoloAgain said:


> I think it takes a bit of a fool in all of us to fall and stay in love in the first place. The true fools are the ones that can turn it off and on like a light switch.


words of wisdom


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> I still have hope for reconciliation...maybe that's the fool in me, but what can I say, I love the woman. I just also happen to know the odds...still, it's a comforting thought for now, but I'm not holding my breath.
> ...


I am struggling with this too. I was unfaithful and we tried to work it out for 3 months. Then she said she couldn't get over it and left filing for divorce the same day. We are both now drownding in debt and I am miserable. When her and I have talked she tells me that if I love her I need to let her go. I keep telling her I don't want a divorce and will do what ever it takes to get her back.

She texted me the other day to let me know that she might have broken her wrist and might have to go to the ER. I thought it was just for attention but then she didn't let me know when she was going to the ER so I couldn't go with her or help her. She now says that it was just a sprain but she is sick also and will be off work for a week. 

I am struggling every second of the day and she somewhat seems to be struggling but won't agree to work on the marriage to save us both. I am so confused and hurting.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I think its a good sign she is talking to you and feels regret. My husband has left me in the dark for a year and feels not one bit of remorse for leaving a 22 year relationship.

I hope it works out the way you want it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> So, my wife called me twice in the last few days...we talked, and by that I mean she didn't yell at me this time. We talked about a lot of stuff, and I kept getting this sense that she felt very guilty about everything.
> 
> *EDIT* OH! She also just noticed I removed her from facebook...she doesn't use it very often i guess...I did it a week ago when she blew up on me, and said some nasty things..so I detagged her and removed my "married" status....she seemed very sad, and hurt by this...though that wasn't my intention...


Don't discount the possibility that the first and last paragraphs are related. Perhaps your removing her from facebook and changing your status were signs to her that you were preparing to move on without her...and that stirred up the other feelings in her. 

IMO, don't apologize for doing so. Make it clear that although you weren't seeking the divorce, you're not sitting at home pining for her and all that she's taken from you (even if you are). Your strength is attractive to her. Your weakness isn't.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

So she wanted to meet to discuss stuff today..she told me last night.

However, I texted her this morning to ask when would be a good time. No answer...I called her once a bit later from my work phone, i guess she didn't have that number in her phone, because she answered like she didn't know it was me...so when she realized it was me, she sounded frustrated and said "I'm on the other line i'll call you later."

So about 5 hours later...i text her, because she never got back to me and we're supposed to meet to take care of stuff. She didn't answer.

Why do I get the feeling she's suddenly avoiding me now, after spending the last week trying to reach out and talk to me?


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

She is conflicted about her decision to divorce you, it seems. This is possibly good news. She definately isn't "full speed ahead" on moving on without you, she seems to still feel attachment to you.

I don't think there's a whole lot you can do right now. As frustrating as it is, you probably don't want to push her to meet with you, or deal with this, at least not yet. She's hesitating, but if you try to force her hand, she might act rashly. You don't want that, whatever she does, because she won't be doing it rationally or with her heart in it.

Obviously, you can't just let her keep you on a rollercoaster for an extended period of time, but right now, I'd say it might be good to just give her a couple days of space, and see if she contacts you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Is it possible she's reading your posts here?


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

who knows, possibly...but it's not like i've said anything bad about her, or deviated from the truth.

It does make me wonder though...she was the one trying to contact me...eventually i gave in...she wanted to sit down and talk today...

suddenly, she's completely blowing me off as if i'm bother her? it is very frustrating.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Go dark for a while. You have enough reason to not want to be bothered by her. She's having mind episodes of her own and possibly trying to drag you into it (who else would she do it to? no one puts up with her crap like you do).

Go dark.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I would consider this...however...we were discussing splitting things without doing a contested divorce....meaning deciding things together, without bringing our own lawyers into it...

I postponed a meeting with my lawyer today, because she wanted to sit down and discuss stuff....if I "go dark" i'll have no choice but to get my lawyer involved, which I was really hoping we were going to avoid


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Dude, you're clearly not over her and said it yourself that reconciliation is something you still hope for.

Why pretend like you want this divorce thing to happen right away? 

She doesn't seem to be eager to divorce either.

Give it time. Go "no contact" for a while and just look ahead. Don't look back. I don't think the fog between you two is completely cleared up yet.

The dark period might only last a couple of days, but you need to have the mindset of someone who is content all by himself and doesn't need anyone at this moment. 

Take it one hour at a time. It helped me a lot through my separation to take things one hour at a time. Despite being the neediest person and the pu$$y that I am during these times, I managed to not call or text my wife even once during our separation. She was the one that initiated contact every single time. I can't believe I actually managed to do that considering how f***ed up I was the whole time. 

One hour at a time and no initiating of contact. If I did it, anyone can do it.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

who was pretending? I have flat out said I don't want it....

I also clearly made mention that she did in fact file for divorce already...and I am to be served this week. That is why I was hoping to hash things out face to face and decide...instead of bringing in lawyers and let things get ugly.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

Has she always been flighty? It seems to me this behavior is beyond uncertainty about getting a divorce. 

Or... she spoke to her lawyer about working out the settlement with you. He saw a business opportunity and advised against it.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Yea she's always been the type to run when things get difficult /emotional etc....

She was against even considering splitting anything...her original idea was...for me to sign over the house to her name entirely...and walk away with absolutely nothing other than what i owned before we got married.

She changed her mind the other day and did a 180 and said if I wanted the house and whatever, I could have it...it was never my intention to go after her money, for the sake of going after money. That's not me.

It is possible her lawyer advised her, who knows. If she didn't file for divorce already, this wouldn't be an issue...but since the clock is ticking (because she started the clock)...we need to take care of this in a time frame...otherwise things may end up getting ugly.

I still don't want any of this...i'm just trying to mitigate the damage. However, it's very difficult when the other party is playing the avoidance game


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Remember this. If you continue as you are now, not only will you end with a divorce, you will end up being burned. You are still dancing to her tunes. She will drain you off emotionally and financially as much as she can. Remove the hope of reconciling for now. She might just be playing nice just for the financial aspect of the divorce. Only once you are strong enough to let her go do you have any chance of reconciling


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Warlock - Divorce is going to happen regardless. Just because I want to reconcile, doesn't mean anything I do will change how it's going to happen.

She contacted me, and told me she doesn't have any money (again, only concerned with her money...) and that her lawyer said all negotiations go through him. I think that was an excuse. She was literally dodging me. Either way, it's going to end...just maybe not the way she thought.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

Sorry to hear hear that C, I suspected there might be a lawyer behind that behavior.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

yeah she texted me...basically saying any negotiating etc, goes through her lawyer now...even though it was her idea to sit down and sort things out....so I am sure he intervened and told her what to do.

As far as avoiding me, and not acknowledging me at all....i don't know...she says her physical illness, and fact that she is super depressed is from me, and talking / hearing from me...she literally is blaming *ME* because she is sick, over a decision *She chose to make*....funny world isn't it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> yeah she texted me...basically saying any negotiating etc, goes through her lawyer now...even though it was her idea to sit down and sort things out....so I am sure he intervened and told her what to do.
> 
> As far as avoiding me, and not acknowledging me at all....i don't know...she says her physical illness, and fact that she is super depressed is from me, and talking / hearing from me...she literally is blaming *ME* because she is sick, over a decision *She chose to make*....funny world isn't it?


My goodness, what is this physical illness you caused?


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

oh EleGirl....she has been depressed....losing a lot of weight, despite eating only junk food / fast food..yet still dropping weight quickly....she passed out while at work Monday, said she was dizzy, had tunnel vision, light headed etc and passed out...I told her to go to the doctor. she did. He said it was from depression / stress / duress....she said today that "talking to you is making me physically ill it raises my blood pressure...it's literally killing me.'

Funny thing is? I AVOIDED HER for a whole week...not so much as a text...and she suddenly got sick because of me?... blame shifting, that's what that is...her guilt of everything is ripping her apart. And it should be....

Maybe it's just the bitter, angry, hurt part of me speaking here...but I hope it gets worse. It's the bed she made, she deserves to sleep in it.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

Hey C. Sooner or later she will realize in what direction that finger should be pointing, and it will hit her like a hammer. If she thinks she's depressed and stressed now, she ain't seen nothin yet. You won't be there to see it happen, but you'll see the aftermath.

There are people that sail through life leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wakes and don't give it a second thought. I doubt she's one, you're too levelheaded to marry someone like that. Rest assured it may not be tomorrow, may not be next week, but it's coming.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Wow CS. I see so much of my situation in your story here. She wanted out, I didn't. She got ill and the stress was all blamed shifted on me, even after she walked away and I went dark. The other thing that relates to the illiness and depression, is before this all happened she blamed me for her unhappiness. The big lesson learned was that we are all responsible for our own happiness and in a marriage, we are basically looking at a reflection of ourselves. I was content and mostly happy.

You sound like you have a good understanding of th big picture here and outside the loss of this love, you will very likely end up in a much better place after this. 

I wish you well!


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I appreciate the kind words...I have always tried to be level headed..the opposite of my father who while growing up, I saw him over-react and have an explosive temper about everything...so I guess I do in fact have him to thank for shaping me into a relatively rational and level headed person...

I still love my stbxw, very much. I don't think she's a bad person, I think she just can't cope, and that she struggles internally. I am angry, and bitter, and a lot of negative emotions are stirring, but despite those, I still cling firmly to the good feelings too...it helps me keep perspective in such trying times.

I hope things do work out in my life some day, It may be a long lonely road for quite some time because we're both walking away quite damaged, perhaps me more-so than her. 

I know i'll come out of this alive, but I fear for the bits and peaces of my mind, heart, and soul that won't make it out of the fire.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Like you I still have mostly fond and loving memories, but I think there is a point where it is in our best interest to move on to someone who appreciates us. It seems like these types can drag us types through the mud forever, and we put up with it still seeing that half full glass.

I don't know many guys that would have put up with it as long as I have.

Be strong, better days ahead my friend!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@ Cery I look at the fire and see all the pieces of my mind, heart and soul in the fire. I'm starting to think that there is more in the fire than in my body anymore. I miss my stbxw every day, and I struggle not talking to her every day. However, after our talk this morning when I dropped the kids stuff off I have to realize that the person who is there is her evil twin, my wife is not there anymore. My wife would not do this to me. The evil twin says she misses me to my face, says she hurts that I hurt. She says she is a fool for throwing this away.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks brother...I've heard a lot of people say "Wow, I can't believe you're still calm about all this, or that you don't completely hate her!"

It's just not me...while I love her deeply and wish things could have worked...I know that in the end I walked away knowing I tried everything to make things work, and that she was the weak link in the chain. I hope one day to move on, and find someone that can appreciate me for me, and someone that I can love entirely.

I think my fear at the time is, moving forward, anyone I meet, I'll constantly (in some way) compare them to my stbxw...and I don't want that to be me...I don't want that to be a pattern in my future. Is that an odd thing to be afraid of? I guess that just makes me damaged like the rest of the world?


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> @ Cery I look at the fire and see all the pieces of my mind, heart and soul in the fire. I'm starting to think that there is more in the fire than in my body anymore. I miss my stbxw every day, and I struggle not talking to her every day. However, after our talk this morning when I dropped the kids stuff off I have to realize that the person who is there is her evil twin, my wife is not there anymore. My wife would not do this to me. The evil twin says she misses me to my face, says she hurts that I hurt. She says she is a fool for throwing this away.


I try to remind myself of that too...that the person I'm left dealing with, is not the person I loved or married....that she died long ago.

Maybe it's twisted...but I almost prefer the lie that "she died" ...that way I can tell myself, she died loving me...as opposed to how she really divorced me hating me.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah I would love to think that she died loving me, as opposed to changing into this person now. I love both my kids with all my heart, but it would be so much easier to deal with this if I didn't have to talk/see her all the times because of the kids.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

CSeryllum said:


> I think my fear at the time is, moving forward, anyone I meet, I'll constantly (in some way) compare them to my stbxw...and I don't want that to be me...I don't want that to be a pattern in my future. Is that an odd thing to be afraid of? I guess that just makes me damaged like the rest of the world?


You may compare them, until you're completely over her. Little things - nail polish color, perfume, physical attributes. Then you'll compare things as better - Wow I sure like the way the new one does or says this differently from the old one. There will be things about the new one(s) that will blow you away. And before long you will realize you haven't thought about the old one in a favorable way in a long time. And not long after that her memory will be about as emotionally powerful as the memory one of your less exciting high school girlfriends is to you now.

When we parted ways, I loved my 2 exes as much as I love my current wife now. If I am unable to reconcile with my current wife, I would not under any circumstance get together with either of them to 'catch up'. I'm not going to look for them on facebook. I don't hate them, don't wish misfortune on them, but I've seen inside them with the clarity of hindsight.

Less insightful people call that 'baggage'. I call it experience. 
You'll get there, faster than you think you will.

Last thought - When you do get to the point of dating and progress a relationship beyond that, do not make any comparison whatsoever out loud, no matter how innocuous it seems to you, unless you like walking around sporting a pair of Irish sunglasses.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"...unless you like walking around sporting a pair of Irish sunglasses. "


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