# Feeling trapped



## Lostmyself (Mar 28, 2012)

I got married at age 19 and have been married 8 years. I don't feel like I have anything in common with my husband and think we married too young. We don't have anything to talk about. He hates when I talk about work and he can only ever talk about car stuff. I used to have hobbies like painting and sports, but now I only do things he likes. 
If I want to go hiking or something, he doesn't want to. But if there is an event he wants to go to, I have to jump and do it and act excited. 
Everything he does irritates me. The way he chews even bothers me. He doesn't help with any household chores; so much for the 50-50 agreement we had before marriage. I clean, and he makes a mess 5 minutes later. I often feel like I am taking care of a five year old. 
I used to want to have kids, but I really just don't want to raise one with him. I would basically be a single mother. He spends all his time on the computer, playing video games, or with his friends. I don't have anyone to talk to here, because all of my friends are married to his friends.
I also fear that I resent him because I left college to marry him because my parents tried to break us up.
He cheated on me before marriage, and I don't know if I have forgiven him or not. I unfortunately, cheated on him too once after I found out. I've never told him. I was going to leave him when I found out and then didn't just so I didn't have to hear my mother say "I told you so." 
When we first moved here, I had one of my new friends (his friends wife) ask me if he was having an affair with a girl. She called him late at night and they had lunch together. I said no, but was I right? He says that they weren't. 
He admits that he puts his friends first. If he had to choose between helping me with something and helping a friend, he would choose his friend. It's been that way since we were married. 
I have gained weight since marriage and have a poor body image. On top of that, I just have no desire to have sex with him because he drives me crazy. I've tried changing my way of thinking, but I just can't. 
I used to be "the perfect wife." I cooked, cleaned, and picked up after him with no complaints. But that gets old fast. He says he misses the old me that always wanted to do it 3 times a day. I say, I do too.
He has a good government job now. I filled out his applications and papers for his background check. He pretty much just showed up for his start date; he didn't even have an interview. I feel crummy because I am just a receptionist making under $10 an hour. 
We are in a lot of debt. He always wanted to work on his car and purchase video games so we got into debt at a young age. Four years ago we bought a house and along with that came a loan for repairs and then a new car payment. 
I feel so trapped. I feel like a horrible person. If I had a good job and not so much debt, I really feel like I would leave. I have tried to talk to him. I've told him how I feel so many times over the 8 years we've been married. He cries, I cry and then it's okay for maybe 6 months. He tries to be more of a hellp and spend time with me. Then it goes back to the same old stuff. All we do is fight when we are together on his days off. Ever minute thing turns into a huge argument. I just can't take it. I have mentioned counseling, but he says we don't need it and won't go.
I feel like he wouldn't make it on his own. He complains about money, but won't try to help me save money. He is always buying car parts for his car. I buy one thing for myself for $10 and he says "well then I get to get something." And that something is usually a few hundred dollars. He had bad credit and was in collections when we married. Now he has really good credit. He won't handle any finances and can't even write a check.
I figure I must love him still if I worry about him. But I feel like maybe we should have just been friends all along. I just don't know what to do. Maybe it's just me.


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## Beautydot (Dec 11, 2011)

X


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## HappyPractice (Mar 28, 2012)

Hey LostMyself,

Neither needs are being met in your relationship. You guys need some guidance for a sustainable relationship. Both seem to know something needs to change, but don't know what to do. Here are some quick understandings. I base my work on understandings the needs of people. There are Six Human Needs; Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth & Contribution. Put these in order of importance for yourself. This will give you an understanding of what you are needing and lacking in your relationship and life. Go over each one and take note on a scale of 0 - 10... where are you on each need. If you can, go over these with your husband. If he wont do the simple exercise, you be him and give what you believe his honest answers are. Find out what needs to append for you to have each need met.

When we meet at least 3 the needs of our partner at 6,7,8s... its becomes like an addiction. 

Love Strongly, Confidently and Vulnerably

I hope this serves you, Sending you Love


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You have to be willing to do something because your life and your happiness cannot depend on him unless you let it. As long as you lock yourself into a situation with your own mantra - "I can't do this or that because" and "If it weren't for this, I would do that" - then you're right, you really are trapped. You live in your head and are trapped by your own way of thinking.

I know you didn't expect anyone to come down on your or make you look at yourself when you came here to complain about your husband. It's a simple fact of life though that you are the master of your fate. If you do nothing and find all kinds of reasons to remain unhappy, then you are stuck there because no one can change it but you.

It's not your husband's fault that you lost yourself. I'm not blaming you either because it happens to practically everyone, but you have to stop making him the responsible party. You cannot change him, but you certainly can change yourself now that you are aware that you're not happy. You just can't keep trying to convince yourself that you're unhappy because of him. 

Take every aspect of your life that you're not happy about one at a time. Write them down and leave lots of space in between each one. In the empty spaces, write a plan of what you can do about each of the problems.

Begin with yourself. If you've gained weight and don't like your body, then do something about it. I know very well that dieting is hard, so I'm not suggesting you put yourself on a diet. I am suggesting you change at least one thing about your eating habits, and that doesn't have to be as daunting as it sounds. For example, I realized one day that I really missed eating celery after not having any for many years. I loved celery as a kid but as an adult, I barely ate any and didn't at all for a long time. So, I went to the store and bought some celery and ranch dressing. Surprisingly, that turned into my dinner each night after work. I rushed home with celery and ranch dressing on my mind. I didn't mean to go on a diet and had no intentions of trying to lose weight, but that's what happened completely by accident. I'd take a nice lunch to work or go to a restaurant, and then craved the celery for dinner. Weird, I know, and I know most women get hooked on one thing for long periods. Usually, my addictions were chips or popcorn, so I kind of inadvertently swithced my ideal snack (and dinner). Just change one thing and find something you like. You'll soon find yourself craving it and not even thinking much about the other stuff you might normally munch on.

Another thing you can do is go to counseling. Go yourself even if he won't go with you. You'll be surprised how helpful it can be. You are very down on yourself and your life right now and need a pick-me-up. Before you know it, you will have a better outlook. Something else that might be helpful is watching Oprah Winfrey's new OWN channel if you have cable/satelite TV. Many of her shows are very empowering for women and you can participate on the website. It's really fun.

Go out and do things, even if it is by yourself. Make some new friends. Start again doing the things you used to like doing. I began a new job 4 months ago, and one day a co-worker asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her, and we had a great time. A couple weeks later, I treated her to a movie. Geez, I hadn't been to the movies in quite a few years, and even then I would usually go alone. I normally went everywhere I wanted to go whether there was anyone to go with me or not. It seemed weird at first, but I realized I quite enjoyed myself all by myself. You meet new people that way, too.

Then, address the more difficult issues, like your husband, your job (and rate of pay), or the finances to figure out what you can do about those. Again, take them one at a time and commit yourself to the plan.

You can go back to school, and you really should, even if it's a 9-month program or a 2-year program. There are many options for improving your skills, knowledge base, and earning ability. You may also consider something you can do to begin a home business.

Everyone gets into these ruts in life, and everyone has to pull themselves out. Before you know it, you will have made a lot of changes and believe it not, the likelihood is hubby will make some changes, too. He will notice the changes in you and won't want to be left behind. One problem where he is concerned is you ask him to make committments, but he notices that everything else is still the same, and that makes promises hard to keep.

MarriageBuilders.com is an excellent site to help with your marital problems. Start reading. Begin with the Basic Concepts on the linked page, and then read the articles down the left-side ribbon bar. They open your eyes a lot. Make reading the articles an activity for both of you to do and create a schedule. Pick a day for reading an article, and give yourself and him 3 days to do the reading. The 4th day can be discussion day, where you each talk about what you read and how you will apply the concepts to your marriage and to each other. Give each article a couple weeks to deliberate and act on, and then start another week on a new article, and repeat every other week on a new article. At the end of each two week period, the two of you should review your progress. Don't be judgmental or overly critical, but do express how you feel. By all means, do compliment each other on improvements and express gratitude for eachothers' efforts.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

You're young. You have no kids. You can make a clean break and still have plenty if time to get you life back the way you want and still find a better mate and have a family and all that.

You know you're not happy. This relationship sounds unfulfilling and ge sounds like he takes you for granted. Just write this relationship off as a life lesson. It happens to the bestof us.

I give you permission to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Sorry, I forgot to mention the questionnaires on the MarriageBuilders website. They are very important. Begin with the Marital Problem Analysis on this page, and then move on to the other questionnaires on the left-side ribbon on the same page. Print out two copies for you both to fill out and follow the instructions.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> You're young. You have no kids. You can make a clean break and still have plenty if time to get you life back the way you want and still find a better mate and have a family and all that.
> 
> You know you're not happy. This relationship sounds unfulfilling and ge sounds like he takes you for granted. Just write this relationship off as a life lesson. It happens to the bestof us.
> 
> I give you permission to leave.


I think that sounds like really sad advice. I don't think he sounds all that bad considering how bad a husband can be. The reality is no one is perfect, not her and not him. With anyone else she finds, the problems will generally be the same after the initial meeting and honeymoon period of falling in love. And, the biggest part is her husband is not at the root of her problems.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Just be sure you don't have kids with this man until you figure out if you're going to stay with him or move on

Kids will just make all your issues worse!


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## Lostmyself (Mar 28, 2012)

Thanks for the advice everyone. I haven't been on here because I have been busy at work and training for a new position. This will be more pay, but it is not something I want to do. My boss thinks I will be good at it and so is pushing me to do it. 
I have been working out the last two months and have lost 25 lbs. I tried getting my husband to join me a couple times, but he either just said no or complained the whole time. So, I just go by myself or take my dog on jogs around the park. We spend a little time together on his days off because he still works an afternoon shift. He just wants to watch TV, play video games, and sit on the computer. I understand wanting to relax on your days off, I wish I could do it too! I end up grocery shopping, cutting the grass, and doing laundry. I wish he would help me with these things, but even if he does, he complains the whole time and it just irritates me and we end up fighting. I think that it's really said my two neighbors joke that I am the only one that does things around our house. Even our friends joke about how I do all the work. He is into cars, but I end up doing the work for him because he doesn't know how. He's not willing to learn how to do anything. One neighbor said that if they ever see him doing work they will snap a picture because no one would ever believe it. I ask him if it bothers him that people think this way and he says yes, but doesn't bother attempting to change it. Friends say that I am a saint for putting up with him and all of the things he does.
I fully understand that my marriage problems are not just my husbands and I know I am not perfect. I want to go to counseling and once when I told him I was thinking about divorce and asked him to go with me, he said we didn't need it. He cried and said things would change, but nothing happened. He won't go so I am thinking about going by myself. I try to change my way of thinking and think positive, not get upset over small things, and try to make myself interested in intercourse, but it hasn't worked.
We only have sex like once a month. I just have no desire to because I don't feel any emotional connection with him. 
I feel like we got along when we first got married because we had more in common. We were only 19 and 20 and only concerned about friends and partying. I have grown up and he hasn't. He still just wants to hang out with his friends. I have no desire to have children anymore because I feel like I would be a single parent even with being married.
Last weekend he stayed out until 5am with his friends. He left the house at 8am. I don't mind him going out, but I find this to be a bit much. He was mad that I didn't go, but I don't like cars like they do. I used to go everywhere and to all the events with him just to spend time together. But he always ended up just leaving me alone to go and talk. I have friends in the group, but I wanted to spend time with him, not them. I don't go now because I am not interested in it and he won't ever do anything I want to do. So we pretty much have gone our separate ways and don't do anything together.
We never go out to eat alone, because we really just don't have anything to talk about. We also go out with other couples. I just find it sad. He hates when I talk about work, but that's pretty much all I do. 
I've asked him before if he would be happier single because he wants to spend time with his friends; he's always needed to spend a ton of time with friends. He says no. But I can't help but feel it's because he would lose his maid and accountant. If I am this unhappy, I don't know how he could be happy, but he says he is even when I say I'm not. I've laid out everything on the table before about how I feel. I've said what I need from him and asked what he needs from me. I have tried to make an effort, I really have. It just stays the same. 
I understand the honeymoon period and all and that's not what I'm looking to get back. I just want my best friend back. 
I just don't want to be thinking about divorce everyday. I don't want to come home and see that he's made a mess and get mad at him over it. 
I am going to look into counseling because I have no one to talk to since anything I say would get back around to him. I can't talk to family because they just encourage divorce. 
My co-worker did ask me the other day if I regret getting married so young. For the first time I said yes. I've never told anyone that before and it felt good. So I think that talking to a counselor will be a big help.


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