# Am I wrong for demanding a decision?



## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

Its been two months since she found out I solicited a prostitute for sex online. Never met up with the woman only emailed but stopped on my own before wife found emails.

I've been kissing her butt (rightfully so since I was wrong) everyday. I've given her all my email account passwords my cell phone passwords and have been honest and totally willing to fix our marriage. I started counseling alone.

Inspite of this she won't well me if she wants to get through this or not. I'm not asking her to forgive me immediatly or to ever forget this crap but tell me if you love me enough to want to work on our marraige. I understand still being hurt two months later. Being scared to commit to slimeball who was comunicating with a paid wh*** but am I wrong to demand her to let me know if were going to go in one direction or another?

I want to know so I can focus my energy properly. She says 'Well, I deidn't know what you were doing. Why should you know what I want to do know?' 

How can a real honest foundation be rebuilt like this? Am I out of line?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

In your wife’s eyes you’ve lost your personal credibility and integrity. Those things take a while to build, but are lost in an instant.

You’ve been secretive. Your wife’s secrecy is probably a direct response to that. Reckon she’s giving you a taste of your own medicine.

What can be done? Trust her? And give it time, patience and tolerance.

Bob


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wouldn't even call that a demand mate, but that's just me. Think she's rubbing it in a little so she can inflict her own punishment on you to make her feel better. That's understandable too considering it's only been 2 months


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

AFEH said:


> In your wife’s eyes you’ve lost your personal credibility and integrity. Those things take a while to build, but are lost in an instant.
> 
> You’ve been secretive. Your wife’s secrecy is probably a direct response to that. Reckon she’s giving you a taste of your own medicine.
> 
> ...


I understand her being mean and upset. I only want to know if she _wants_ the marraige to work if she _wants_ to try. Is this wrong and controlling or reasonable?


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I wouldn't even call that a demand mate, but that's just me. Think she's rubbing it in a little so she can inflict her own punishment on you to make her feel better. That's understandable too considering it's only been 2 months


She's intitled to rub it in and be an emotional moody being. I don't mind those things and I'm prepared for her swings and outbursts. I only want to know if we have a chance to get past this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, that's fair I guess.

What I would do in your shoes is to tell her that you understand that she's hurt, moody, etc etc, and then tell her that you want to make it work, that you have been doing counselling, etc etc for both you and her, and need to know where you stand - *whenever* she's willing and ready to tell you, and tell her that you'll be patient.

But that's just me...


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## kingsqueen (Nov 25, 2010)

The question is, do you want to work on the relationship? That's all you have to know in this second. If you want this to work out, then put your heart into it. Either she will or she won't - you can't control that. If you want this relationship to work, continue being honest with her and continue being patient. She is working through a lot of anger.

That being said, yes, I do think that you deserve to know one way or another. Just because I think so, doesn't mean it will/should happen that way.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You deserve an answer, but she also deserves to let out her steam and punish you a bit to help collect herself. Not really a right and wrong, heh come to think of it now, it's never really about right and wrong is it?


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, that's fair I guess.
> 
> What I would do in your shoes is to tell her that you understand that she's hurt, moody, etc etc, and then tell her that you want to make it work, that you have been doing counselling, etc etc for both you and her, and need to know where you stand - *whenever* she's willing and ready to tell you, and tell her that you'll be patient.
> 
> But that's just me...


Thanks I'll try this. I tell her i can put up with abuse and retaliation as long as I know its part of the reconciliation process. Its hard not knowing if I'm suffering for the sake of suffering.


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

kingsqueen said:


> The question is, do you want to work on the relationship? That's all you have to know in this second. If you want this to work out, then put your heart into it. Either she will or she won't - you can't control that. If you want this relationship to work, continue being honest with her and continue being patient. She is working through a lot of anger.
> 
> That being said, yes, I do think that you deserve to know one way or another. Just because I think so, doesn't mean it will/should happen that way.


You are right and I have to remain strong and pray and hope for the best. I just want opinions to see if I'm being irrational for wanting to know. I guess in the grand scheme of life 2 months is nothing and I'm very happy to be here in the same house with her. And her not telling me no she can't get past this is something good I can hold on to.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Dude - if she is still living with you 2 months later isn't that enough evidence that she isn't prepared to lose you!?

She would have left already or kicked you oit
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

brokendog said:


> You are right and I have to remain strong and pray and hope for the best. I just want opinions to see if I'm being irrational for wanting to know. I guess in the grand scheme of life 2 months is nothing and I'm very happy to be here in the same house with her. And her not telling me no she can't get past this is something good I can hold on to.


You are notbeing unreasonable. Although you don't have the verbal reassurance that you seek you do have a very strong nonverbal answer and that is that you are still in the house, she is showing emotions and she is talking to you, albeit in anger. So take heart in that because if she were indifferent then you would know she did not care. 

You may have done this already but write down how you have hurt her specifically, look at it totally from her point of view no matter how painful to say or think - and then tell her again you regret what you did and let her know in detail that you know how it has effected her. If you think about it, if she trusted you for years and did not think of you as the type of man who would do this, she is in a state of shock and trying to digest the person she now has to accept. 

Don't worry about when you will have a chance to explain why you felt so deprived that you sought satisfaction from a prostitute. You seem to take full responsibility for how your action has hurt her but you have to look at the relationship and how you both came to this point and what you can do so that you never get to this point again. If you have been surviving with little sex you have to talk about this and what you need. It is too soon now but not too soon for you to begin doing some thinking and reading and working on your relationship. Some good books are "her needs his needs " and there is material on this site that is very helpful. Please be patient, she is shocked and needs time. While you are being patient take up your time reading about infidelity and the stages that the deceived spouse goes through so that you recognize and understand. 

It is not impossible to recover from this and come out stronger if you are both willing to look at the problems that brought you to this point. I can see that you understand that no problem justifies cheating. There are other ways to handle problems, if you feel you have exhausted all options, it may be better for your dignity to conside if you should leave. That is better than resorting to desperate actions and things that you would never do if you were not desperate. I wish you the very best and I hope you will make it with your wife and you come out of this with a marriage in which both your needs are being met. This will take time and work but if you love each other it will be worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> Dude - if she is still living with you 2 months later isn't that enough evidence that she isn't prepared to lose you!?
> 
> She would have left already or kicked you oit
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



True but its hard to see it that way when I get the cold shoulder, mean comments and very little affection.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Demanding anything is never the answer, although wanting reassurance that she is in this marriage too and wanting to help fix it is reasonable. I noticed that you are in counseling but have you guys considered going to counseling together to work on your marriage?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there and I'm sorry you find yourself here, 
I think your wife is hurt that you chose to engage another woman at all, prositute or not..........
Tell her over and over that you made a terrible selfish mistake and that you are sorry that you hurt her, tell her if you could change things you would give up anything to have that happen..
Tell her you understand that she needs more time to come to terms with her feelings towards you because of your actions, but tell her that this has opened your eyes and would like to get on to loving her the way you always should have and that means never having contact with any woman for any reason.........
Tell her you would love to spend the rest of your life making things up to her, making her feel like the only woman worth giving any of your time to..........
Tell her you are willing to do anything to make her feel better, communication is key here, meeting her needs is key, being totally transparent, deleting any web sites that could possibly lead to any doubt.......spending lots of time with her, just laughing and playing............listening............
Don't get impatient, don't make excuses..........never blame her...........for anything..........
in time she will see you just made a mistake and she should be willing to love you faults and all..........
good luck


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

brokendog said:


> I understand her being mean and upset. I only want to know if she _wants_ the marraige to work if she _wants_ to try. Is this wrong and controlling or reasonable?



No it’s not wrong, it’s not at all wrong.

There is a benefit in the way your wife is behaving towards you. The benefit is that you actually know something is wrong. You know you have conflict between you.

Your wife resents you for what you did. That is a very natural response. Resentment is strong anger and dislike for another person. I believe it can cripple a marriage if not “treated”. When anger and dislike is there, love is pushed out and can’t get back in.

If the resentment is still there after 6 months then there is another term for it, embitterment. And when embitterment has taken hold it’s almost impossible to deal with.

But what can you do? 

One possible way is to make an apology. You’ve probably done this already and it hasn’t worked. So maybe make a very big statement out of your apology. And I mean big. Research what apologising is all about and the various ways of going about it. Depends on your wife but filling the living room with flowers, big box of chocolates and a very big statement on a wall and a meal waiting for her when she gets in may well work. Put some humour in if you can.

At the end of the day your wife needs to forgive you. You’ll know that your apology has worked if she says the words “I forgive you”. If she doesn’t say them then you’ll need to ask the question “Am I forgiven?”.

If she hasn’t forgiven you then there are other issues to resolve as well. Either that or you are married to an exceedingly unforgiving woman.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my thoughts... 2 months would not be a long time if you had acted upon your initial thoughts. But if us guys got in that much trouble for everything that we'd thought about but not done, we'd never get out of the doghouse. 

Unfortunately, she may not believe that you chose not to act upon your thoughts, and that either you may have acted and not got caught, or would have acted. So maybe in her mind, it's as bad as if you've gone through with it.

Having said all that, I'm thinking that you're going to have to decide how much you far you're willing to go with it. If it was me, I'd think I'd give her another month or so before trying to get a decision/direction from her. If she won't do that after 3 months, then tell her that you've apologized, been trying to make amends, but you're not willing to get beat up for the rest of your life for it. Maybe she needs a dose of what she'd be giving up if she's not willing to begin to forgive you.

Have you asked her what she wants you to do to regain her trust? Are you two doing any counseling? Any communication on the issue at all? I guess I feel that if she's not willing to take any steps to improve things, then she's just holding a grudge and isn't interested in actually fixing things. And after a certain point, it wouldn't be worth it to hang around waiting for that to change.

C


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't think you should be demanding--period.

I also don't think she believes you regarding NOT actually going through with your "transaction."

I also suspect that there is far more about you that she is annoyed about than this--and this is so huge that if you use words like "I demand an answer!" then you will certainly get one.

Maybe you ought to be completely transparent with her. Share all your passwords, cell phone records, etc.

You wiped out all trust she had in you. You hardly get points for not going through with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

brokendog said:


> Its been two months since she found out I solicited a prostitute for sex online. Never met up with the woman only emailed but stopped on my own before wife found emails.
> 
> I've been kissing her butt (rightfully so since I was wrong) everyday. I've given her all my email account passwords my cell phone passwords and have been honest and totally willing to fix our marriage. I started counseling alone.
> 
> ...


You've just hurt her terribly and how can she know what to do if you don't show her that you're trustworthy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

brokendog said:


> True but its hard to see it that way when I get the cold shoulder, mean comments and very little affection.


Those are the consequences of being dishonest and sneaking around to meet a call girl. What were you expecting? Constant sex and kissing when you broke her heart? I hope that your counseling is teaching you about accepting responsibility for your actions.
Wait for your wife to open up to you. Demanding a decision will only make you look worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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