# Still not over it 6 years later



## affairbuster (Aug 25, 2012)

I am unable to talk to anyone about this, I stumbled upon this forum and thought I would try it. I confronted my husband 6 years ago about an affair he was having with what I thought was a friend. They would call each other after I went to bed. All the time. Go out to the bars to listen to their favorite band while I was home with kids and carpooling. When confronting him with this, it took him days to come to me and say he would not see her again. Six years later they see each other at least twice a year at their fantasy football draft. For example this weekend they are spending 5 days together 10 hours away because of fantasy football. While they are not "alone" they are still together. My husband was so upset and distraught about having to "break it off" six years ago, yet it was never broken off. 

I tried to confront him and tell him I am still not over this and I am very angry and hurt. I can't talk to him about it because I get too upset. We have been married 20years and it has been less then great. We might say "I love you" we have went to marriage enrichment courses, we meet with couples every few months to work on our marriages. I think this is ridiculous and a waist of time. We are just playing the role we don't talk very much unless it has to do with family stuff. Lately we have been really aggravated with each other. He I believe is resentful that I went back to school (now in grad school) I actually did this so I would have an income when we split. 

I have tried to move on and forgive, but each year around this time and the end of football season, I get so angry and I really don't think he gets it. Neither of us are getting what we need out of marriage because we have nothing left. If I could leave I might consider it because I don't know how to get past it. 

What can I do to move on, get past it. I never got an I'm Sorry, I got I need to think about what to do.... if I can break off the friendship with her..... seriously you had to think about it. Maybe you didn't want me or our marriage in the first place. 

Advice would be helpful.
Thanks


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Why does somebody need to be away for five days for a fantasy football draft? That takes a few hours. Is he really telling you it takes a week? 

That being said there will be no recovery in your marriage if he's still in contact with this person and is still seeing this person. The fact that he's traveling ten hours away to be with her for five days is a joke. 

It's either complete no contact and working on the marriage or divorce. I'm sorry but tell him if he goes to the draft he can expect divorce papers when he returns.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Of course you're not over it. The OW is very much alive in the marriage! The only thing that MAY not be going on is the sex... and that's iffy, at best. He doesn't "get it" because he doesn't WANT to get it. If your marriage has ANY hope of improving, he needs to have *ZERO, NO, NONE, NADA CONTACT* with this woman... that INCLUDES the fantasy football thing. If the only way to be in this thing is by having contact with her, well guess what? He needs to quit the fantasy football. And if your marriage is worth saving, to him, then he will stop. If he doesn't, well, then you know where you stand. But the only way for you to even REMOTELY get past it is if he breaks off the "friendship"... no other alternative.


----------



## affairbuster (Aug 25, 2012)

I am trying to make since of it as well. He is in quite a few drafts and some with just the guys that he has been doing for 25+ years are a few days long as well. (Maybe I am just naive). I understand what you are saying which is why I am so angry about this weekend. Thanks for the advice


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, the ones he is in WITHOUT her, fine, let him continue (unless it turns out that she is actually involved). But whatever one(s) she is in, he needs to quit. He needs to be full NC with her, period.

Also, why are you not going along on this trip? That makes no sense to me.


----------



## affairbuster (Aug 25, 2012)

She is only in one of his, he has about 4 others though. I don't go because 1. I'm not invited of course. and 2. I have kids to take care of and support in sports, school activities etc... I am not sure I would want to go, especially with her there. I really feel like I am the one that needs to "grow up' and stop acting childish but I can't help but being that way.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

1. It doesn't matter if you're not invited. You are his wife, it is a LONG weekend away, NOT work related. It is IMPLIED that you are invited.

2. Is there no arrangement you can make with parents or other relatives that could pitch in? 

I get not wanting to be around her, I really do. But really, my husband wouldn't be allowed to be somewhere the OW was going to be. And yes, I said allowed. The choices would be clear: stay home, completely away from her...or go, and find all your belongings on the porch and in the yard by the time you get home. Your marriage is more important than some stupid game. It's about time he realized that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Edited for content.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My marriage basically ended 6 years ago. He didn't move out for another 2 years though. That two year period was beyond miserable. Therefore, I can relate to what you are going through. 
Unfortunately, phycological damage resulted from his behavior and the utter turmoil that he caused. I really feel for you and the children.

You may want to begin seeing a counselor and working on yourself. You will have to find a lot of strength to take on this situation. When you do find your strength, you need to put an end to his affair. No contact with the other woman should be allowed. And if he won't agree to that or showing any interest in working on the marriage, then show him the door. The longer he continues to treat you like he's doing, the more damage he is doing to you and the children.

Hope you can find the strength and courage to make your voice be heard.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

affairbuster said:


> I am trying to make since of it as well. He is in quite a few drafts and some with just the guys that he has been doing for 25+ years are a few days long as well. (Maybe I am just naive). I understand what you are saying which is why I am so angry about this weekend. Thanks for the advice


Sorry, but this guy sounds like a total loser. Anyone who plays in multiple fantasy football leagues, taking days at a time to draft in each league is pretty much a child still. 

I mean I like fantasy football, play in one league, and the draft takes 3 hours. There is no way it takes more than one day, especially multiple times. Pretty sure he is using that as an excuse to have a physical affair with this girl. 

You are being played a fool. Call him on this nonsense.

Even in the VERY unlikely event these are really legitimate football drafts, anyone who takes that much time and energy on fantasty football needs to grow up.


----------



## affairbuster (Aug 25, 2012)

@ 827Aug- Yeah the last 6 years have not been great. we pretty much our roomies, my kids are older but it still is not easy. and yes I do agree I need to work through this and get a lot of strength to face this. I can have all the talks in my head and as soon as I see him, they all go out the window. I have tried writing to him but everytime we do try and talk about it it never ends good. 

@ Gabril I agree that he is definitely a kid at heart and does some childish things. he is a good dad in that respect because he gets along so well with the kids, yet when it comes to priorities that is another story. I am just getting really fed up with all of this. 

Thanks for all your input I really appreciate it.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I really don't think he gets it.


Well... knowing he see his AP twice a year it's self-explanatory.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

affairbuster said:


> She is only in one of his, he has about 4 others though. I don't go because 1. I'm not invited of course. and 2. I have kids to take care of and support in sports, school activities etc... I am not sure I would want to go, especially with her there. I really feel like I am the one that needs to "grow up' and stop acting childish but I can't help but being that way.


You need to re evaluate who is wrong here. 

You have every right to be very upset and even kick him out, over this continued contact. It breaks the basic rules of R. 

I get that the marriage is less than perfect, but.... If the if recovery is done right your marriage can become better than ever. It can be a wake up call.

You both have to open up to MC and IC and do the hard stuff required. If one of you refuses it is a wound that never heals and you limp thought the rest of your life. 

I don't want to offend anyone but why do people spend so much time with something like fantasy football or baseball. That's not living, that's parasitic of others lives. iMHO a waste of valuable time.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is being unfair to you. Dreadfully unfair. He is also being unfair to your children.

Remind me, please... the OW, is she married or in a relationship?


----------



## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Some people may never get over an affair. This is true when their WS still sees his AP. I think he is playing a very dangerous game here. 

The emotions that he had with her with be reunited every time he sees her. For a marriage to heal, there needs to be no contact. If my husband's OW was going to be going to an event. I would be going as well. 

There are two reasons. She will see him with me, being happy, and know that what they had is in the past and that he is with me and staying with me.

Two, it is easy to fall back into the groove of an affair. If this was happening to me, my husband has already proved to be untrustworthy around her. I would essentially block any thought of pursuit.

During the beginnings of R, I told him that it was either me or her. He made me choose 2 years earlier. If he left without me, I would choose for him. She could have him.

I can't think of any R story that successfully concluded while he was still catching glimpses of the OW.


----------



## affairbuster (Aug 25, 2012)

Matt Matt- she is married and went through counseling (so I heard) with her hubby. He goes with her everywhere now. My hubby and I have not gone through counseling however he is too cheap to pay for it. I have a hard time getting kids to the dr. when needed because he doesn't want to pay for it. We have pretty much avoided the subject for six years except when football season happens. He comes home in about 2hrs. I am not sure what to even be like when he gets home. Happy, sad, angry. I haven't heard from him since Thursday not even a txt except for pictures of what they were doing. (IDC). It will be very hard to talk about any of this because of kids in the house the majority of the time.


----------

