# Stay-at-Home Dad's Plea for Advice: My Wife's Latest Emotional Affair



## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

I’m not an expressive person (_except on paper_). I don’t talk enough. My wife of 10 years, Polly, tells me these things all the time. Well, here comes an outpouring of feelings.

I’m going to share my view of the situation, along with how it kicks me right in the gut. For the past couple of months, I get nauseous every two or three days just thinking of how easily my wife and daughters can be stripped away from me. 

She literally said it herself, she’s addicted to another man. And I often cry in my breakfast about it.

*A New Hope*

So, I’ve been a stay-at home-dad since 2015. My company laid off half the workforce before going bankrupt a year later. My 2nd daughter was due in only a few months.

I absolutely loved the newfound freedom that came with the burden of staying home with a little non-English-speaking gremlin. It’s so nice to not see Lumbergh any more. But, come to find out recently that it’s a strong point of resentment for Polly. 

Thankfully, I’d been with the company about a dozen years and had a decent severance, which kept me afloat for about a year before I took up a part-time business venture with my mom, and launched an affiliate marketing website, which both have been falling by the wayside lately.

But once I had to start dipping into my 401k, Polly half-seriously told me she was going to kick me out to go drive for Uber or something. So I did!

In August of 2017, I began delivering for Postmates and Uber Eats. 

Now, to make a decent wage, you have to keep both APPs running and turn one off after accepting an order from the other. And you have to drive A LOT.

I was out of the house most nights and at least one entire day over the weekend. Polly would typically come home from work, tag me out, and take over caring for the kids so I could hit the road…

*When the Cat's Away*

About a month or two into my new driving gig, along came chef Madden. He was newly hired at my wife’s work, and they recognized each other from previously working together. They really hit it off and became good buds really fast.

It’s important to note here that Madden was not the first flirty emotional attention-seeking relationship my wife has engaged in during our 18 years together.

There was Kevin and Gray and Brian and Ken and even a few girls thrown in the mix. Point is, every few years, Polly finds someone outside of our relationship to exchange feelings with.

I didn’t discover this until around Xmas, but Madden had been regularly coming over to the house to cook dinner. He called late on Xmas eve. And the week before, Polly thought it’d be cool if he came over to hang up lights on OUR house.

This situation is absolutely infuriating. By doing the EXACT thing my wife told me to do, she goes behind my back and starts having a dude come over while I’m out doing it.

*The Wake-up Call*

I realize that her unhappiness over the years stemmed, in part, from my lack of effort in nurturing our relationship. I haven’t done enough to treat her like the princess she is. I’ve been pushing her away.

And I’m working on that. Just about a month ago, I’m proud to say, she told me, “you gave me exactly what I needed” in reference to an emotional situation at work. I’m really trying to be a better father and husband and I hope she’s recognized the effort.

To be fair, we recently made a few discoveries together. We’re both a bit depressed and have been in therapy, her much longer than myself.

And honestly, I absolutely love it. Her therapist is a well-qualified professional. Once a week, Polly comes home with nuggets of knowledge that help us see things from the other’s perspective. We have things to talk about that help strengthen our relationship.

I feel like we’ve made big strides lately in reconnecting with each other. Through it all, the drama and the dudes and the hurt feelings, I’ve been there for her. And she can definitely be supportive of me as well.

And that’s the part that’s so devastating. We’re FINALLY figuring out why we’ve been unhappy for so long. We’re talking about feelings much more than I’m used to. We’re much more open in our dealings with each other. We’re making progress on our relationship.

But it’s still not enough...

*Goodnight, Wesley, I'll Most Likely Kill You in the Morning*

One item that therapy unearthed was how Polly identifies somebody’s ONE flaw and then proceeds to hate on them because they’re not perfect.

But nobody is perfect and nothing is perfect. Sure, there are always enhancements and upgrades but striving for perfection is time-wasting madness.

And certainly not a reason to be spiteful towards somebody. 

I feel that happened very early in our relationship, which lead to years of fights over the most trivial bull**** that was so insignificant I can’t remember what it was! 

All I know is there were arguments, and I came away feeling like and insignificant loser. Polly never has appreciated my entrepreneurial spirit. College-job-retirement-death is her path. I sometimes like to mix it up.

Whatever it is that I’ve done or haven’t done, Polly always does a great job of making me feel inadequate. There’s no doubt we love each other immensely, but I feel that any day now she’s going to wake up and say, “sorry, I can’t be a family anymore.”

I’m always walking the plank. I could be pushed into the shark-infested waters at any moment and it’s a terrible feeling.

*Super Butt-hurt!*

Now, I’ve heard some things lately that I never thought I would. It’s been an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. The last few months have been very rough on my wellbeing.

Here’s a taste of the heart-breaking words thrown at my ears lately:



“I love you, but I’m not in love with you”

While lying in our bed, talking to Madden on the phone, in a slowed-down, very smitten voice: “Yeaah? I’d like thaat.” Prior to that statement, EVERYTHING was sooo funny during the conversation

“Daddy, Madden took me and mommy and little sis to play mini-golf”

“I want to block Madden out of my life by I can’t. I’m addicted to him”

Talking to me, in a loving voice: “There’s just something about Madden”

“I can’t decide between you and Madden”

“I want to go on a date with Madden, but it wouldn’t work out because he’s married”

“I don’t have feelings for Madden”

Wait, “I lied earlier about having feelings for Madden”

“Madden always jokes about his little ****”

“I want to be a good wife and mom but I’m not sure I can”

“I switch back and forth thinking about the two of you every hour”

“If Madden says something I don’t like and we get into a fight then I’ll talk to you, and vice versa”

“I’m so torn that I had to put pros and cons into an APP but when I hit “get results” even the APP was undecided”

“You and Madden are both telling me the same thing, I have to decide between the two of you but I can’t”

“I lied about those hotel discounts. They weren’t from Barney at work, they were actually from Madden”

During a “mom’s time off” weekend in one of those discounted rooms: “I went to visit Madden at his restaurant”

“One night, Madden’s wife showed up to the bar and made a scene while Madden and I were drinking beers together”

“I told Madden I wanted to work on my marriage”

The next day: “Not to rub salt on the wound, but I’m used to hearing from Madden A LOT and it’s nice to not be distracted”

A week later, in response to “so when’s the last time you talked to Madden?” -- “today. And yesterday. And the day before. I lasted about 2 days without talking to him”

I’m so torn up inside. Even writing all of that out, while cleansing, was painful to remember.

Some of those chats were followed by an argument and me sleeping in the spare bedroom, giving Polly the silent treatment until I missed her so much that I caved in.

And sometimes those statements made me want to punch walls and destroy laundry hampers in the garage. I often feel like going to the batting cages with balls displaying BOTH of their faces, and smashing the **** out of them as hard as I can.

But no matter how hurt I get or how mad I get or how many times I tell Polly that it hurts when she gives her feelings away to others, I always come back for more.

*Sandcastles*

I used to trust Polly. Sure, we’ve always had our share of issues but I always felt confident that we could work through them.

I cheated on a girlfriend a long, long time ago. And it was the last time I ever did that because it was so very hurtful. I had the empathy to put myself in Giulia’s ballerina slippers and actually confessed the whole thing to her.

I’ve had my chances. There’ve been plenty of girls who made it obvious they wished I wasn’t with Polly, but I’ve never so much as given another woman a peck on the cheek. I wish I could be confident in saying the same about her and Madden. I can only imagine what goes on between them when they’re getting drunk together.

Meanwhile, she’s always been SO suspicious of me. Always poking and prodding and just hoping to find out that I cheated on her. She's been cheated on several times and I although I constantly remind her I'm not like the others, she never believes me.

But now that my trust for her is shattered, it’s really hard to get things back to the way they were. And maybe they never will be. Ouch.

*My Short-term Plan*

First and foremost, I have to think of my daughters. I don’t want to disrupt their lives in any way. They deserve a solid, loving environment to grow up in and I want to give that to them.

But it's so hard to live my life with the stress of knowing that every day could be my last as a part of a four-person family. My wife is contemplating a stint with another man. Or as she says, “if I try this thing out with Madden for realz.” Sorry but I just threw up in my mouth a little.

So, in the effort to keep up the facade of a happy family, I will continue to feel like an empty shell of a ghost inside. Polly and I will be nothing more than roommates.

Until she can commit to me, I won’t commit to her and don’t even consider us married. Until she can prove to me that goddamn Madden is out of our lives for good, I can’t feel like a husband. And let me tell you, it’s an awful feeling.

If our older daughter wises up to separate beds, we can always say that the bigger bed makes daddy's back hurt.

*What Would You Do?

I’m hoping to get a little advice here. Have any of you been in a similar situation? What did you do about it? What would you do in my place?

As Polly loves to point out, I’m only working part-time right now since I’m caring for a two-year-old most days. I kinda feel trapped since I don’t have a solid income.

We’ve discussed selling our house and splitting the proceeds and going our separate ways but that would be very disruptive for our kids. We have wonderful kids. I love them so much. Polly and I had difficult childhoods and I’d like to break the cycle.

I truly love Polly, too, and want things to work out between us.*

*UPDATE -- JULY 1*

Madden left his wife. He wrote Polly a big email about it. She took her time telling me about it but finally spilled it. And, thanks, these aren't the same names we're talking about here.

This would be a much, much easier decision if not for the kids. I love my girls so much. I took a 20% pay cut to stay home with my younger daughter on Mondays. I loved looking forward to an entire day with her. 

Life isn't all about money, as many of you are programmed to believe. Ever buy stupid **** just because you can? How long does that initial rush last for? A day or two? Maybe a week? And then what? You're stuck with an overpriced POS cluttering up your space. Damn, some fools even rent storage units to hoard things they'll "someday" use.

No, I don't work to buy more things. I admit she buys groceries more often than I do, but I've not missed any mortgage or bill payments since being laid off. We split all bills down the middle and I'm never short. I do freelance writing while my little one is sleeping, and at night after spending a few hours chatting with Polly. 

Point is, to all you "get a job" haters, time with two-year-old is more important than a swollen bank account. It's just numbers on a screen, which can admittedly afford certain freedoms, but I feel today's society focuses too much on wealth accumulation vs. living your life by the rules you set for yourself.

I can't even begin to tell you how empowering it was to work 4 days on and 3 days off back in corporate America. Such a better balance and I encourage all parents to try it if their Gestapo corporation will go for it. 

*I DON'T WANT TO BE A PART-TIME DAD*

Until I started driving my own car, I saw my dad only every other weekend. He's a cool guy but the abusive step-dad I lived with was the opposite. Mom and I were in hell and she took 30 damn years before finally leaving that bastard.

I don't trust anyone else with my children 50% of the time. It's my duty to read them a story every night and wake up every day and be there for them.

Having a PT dad is total bull****. I don't want to put the girls through it. Why else would I put up with such a disrespectful wife?

You mention sending signals to the kids. They don't know a thing. Madden hasn't been around in a long time (so I've been told) and my older daughter snitches on everybody so I'd hear about it.

I still love Polly very much, as I said. She's been through a lot and has issues of her own and is genuinely working on self-improvement. I see the good in her. She knows she's messed up and at least professes to be sorry about it. And our sex life is absolutely mind-blowing for both of us. In fact, it just keeps getting better. It's not like there's no spark between us. 

But I can only take so much and will be taking everyone's advice into consideration. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the situation.

*UPDATE -- JULY 2*

As a new member, I gotta say this place has the vibe of a cult. We've got grammar nazis, weird poems, trolls, haters who stereotype rather than consider individuality, miserable souls seeking suffering to prey upon... 

It's pretty sh*tty to throw stones at emotional people in a negative head-space, don't you think? Maybe you'd rather take your BS to the YouTube comments where that ignorant behavior is expected?

To say the least, you've got a very interesting community!

And as there always are within groups of this size, there are some good guys. The people who show genuine concern and offer thoughtful suggestions that apply to an individual's situation. 

No matter which camp you fall into, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. Nobody forced you to do all that finger-tapping and I appreciate the effort.

Special thanks to @Affaircare who gave me the lion's share of food for thought. I took this advice to heart and put it into action... 

My original post was written on Saturday night while I was staying away from home. On Sunday, I thought a lot about what I was going to say and came home in the evening, totally prepared for a very difficult conversation. 

Because if I were to believe the comments from this thread, there was a 100% certified guarantee that sex was going on in our bed and I wasn't part of it.

Of course, I had my suspicions but I was going to get the truth out of her. I know that calm, patient, yet relentless questioning always makes Polly open up. As much as it would pain me to hear it, I wanted to know _exactly _what was going on.

And I did hear about it. But it wasn't what I was expecting. She kissed a guy during a rough patch of our early relationship. We hadn't even been dating for very long. It took a really long time for her to confess that to me. But it's not even a big deal to me. 

I gave her every opportunity to tell me about any physical misconduct with Madden and I don't believe there's anything to share. 

On Sunday, knowing that I was gone as well as pissed, Polly saw her opportunity to give it a try with Adam. Then quickly realized she was more attracted to _the idea_ of Madden than to Madden himself. They met, and poof. The spell was broken. 

When I came home looking to talk, she bombarded me with a hug and couldn't wipe a big smile off her face. But I was there to tell her it was time to make a choice or I was going to make it easy for her. 

But she'd made her decision before I got there. I feel like I have my family back now.

And now that we've talked it out, I know exactly what I need to do to prevent this same situation from happening again. 

I'm sure I'll get comments like "how could you go back after everything she's done to you?" Well, maybe you're a little more prideful than I am. Polly and I both had very rough upbringings. And there are most definitely mental scars we're both trying to work through.

Rather than lashing out, I choose to empathize with what she's going through. And like one commenter said, it was I who pushed her into "find a mate" mode. I agree. But I disagree about the "failure" as a lover. That's something I do best.

I choose to forgive rather than run or hate. I choose to fight through rather than leaving when things got uncomfortable. There's no denying our love for each other, which is tough to just push aside as some would have me do.

Together, we identified a problem -- she recognizes it was wrong and that she doesn't need a Madden in her life -- and then we talked about why it happened and how we can prevent it in the future.

Luckily, we got to the root of the issue before any irreparable damage occurred. And at this point, I feel like we'd talk about it before it did happen again. Time will tell but I think the chances of our family being in a similar situation are now slim.

Remember "for better or worse?" This was the part that's "worse." But over the past 18 years together, there's been more "better." 

If we totally cut Madden out, the past 2 weeks have been amazing. By spending so much time communicating, we've really reconnected--but only until Madden effed it all up. 

But if he's gone, as Polly claims, I see a brighter future.

I guess it's time to show myself the door now...

Peace


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

You are going to get some pretty rough posts that follow mine but they will speak the bold truth.

I'm usually pro reconciliation. Like you, I have been a doornat before but likely not to this extent. My STBXW denied everything always and said our issues had nothing to do with another man. Your wife is flat out telling you it's another man.

There's so much here that I just want to throw out some points;

- your kids would not be stripped from you, you would get at least 50% custody 

- your kids lives are already being disrupted tremendously. They are seeing everything wrong with what a marriage and partnership should be

- your wife has no respect for you, what marriage is and herself

- forget finances and holding you back from making decisions. See a lawyer tomorrow and find out all of your options. You will be surprised in what you will be entitled to.

- she has already chosen Madden. She just fully can't have him because he's married. 

- tell Madden's wife everything your wife told you about her feelings for him. Seriously. It's only fair to his wife and it is not petty nor more harmful than what is already going on.

- your indecision and strategy for trying to keep your wife is actually solidifying more that she would rather have another man. It sucks but this is how a wayward wife's mind thinks. You think you should be given credit for compassion or forgiveness but it's telling your wife you are weak.

- your wife sounds like a serial cheater and it's very unlikely that these have just been emotional affairs and even if they were, it's still cause to file.

As I have said man, I have been where you are to some extent. My beliefs, dedication to family and faith drove me to do anything I could do to save my family but in the end when one person makes the decision to end what marriage is, one person cannot save it. 

See a lawyer tomorrow, tell the other low life's wife and don't tell your wife ANY of this. Stop talking to her unless it's about the kids. If there was EVER a case for the 180 it's this.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Do you cry into cornflakes or muesli...or scrambled eggs?

Get a job.

Nice story.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

You can't control her. You are seeing that.

You won't be able to nice her back into doing the right thing, or reason with her, or charm her. Because right now she has you, and the other guy, on her terms. Why should she give that up?

You do need to improve your life together. Tag team where only one of you is home at a time is a recipe for problems. You need time together. You can't have a relationship unless you are relating. But beyond that, all you can do, is make your decisions, your plans, and position your life as best you can, then blow up her world and force a choice. Really force a choice. 

If you go that route, do it properly. Seek legal advice, figure out how the finances look.

My wife had an affair over a quarter century ago. I stayed for the kids, and over time we worked things out, but some things were only resolved when I put divorce on the table. Not angrily. Not threateningly (if that is possible). Just "I want to be with you but not at any cost. Maybe we can't get through this." Just, don't do it until you mean it and are ready. Because if you play that card and nothing changes, you can leave or lose all negotiating power.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you put in one quarter of the effort you did in writing this post......do so towards finding employment, you will be fine. 
Find time, meaningful, well paid employment.

You will be fine.

...............................................................

Order of Business:

Get a job, a real job. One that pays well, does not require more than 50 hours per week work. Maybe in sales!
Get a lawyer, get a divorce.
Start a new life.
Upgrade your education. We can all become more employable.
Make yourself solid, not garrulous, talky, maybe somewhat, uh, not flaky? 
Get in shape, make yourself feel good about yourself.

Do not make excuses for her behavior by playing up on your own misgivings. 
Yes, you have faults. We all do.


Find a women who is loyal.

Do not be bitter, use this failed relationship as a learning lesson.
You are lucky. You have your health and plenty of time to start over. 





L-


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Your next step is talking to Madden’s wife. 
Also, can you get ahold of your wife’s mobile?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If this is for realz, your first job is to change the name of the characters for anonymity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> If this is 'for real', your first job is to change the name of the characters for anonymity.


Yes.

Good advice.

Do you want me to do this also, too, likewise, in addition?

My HeadMates 'are' over-and-above, withal, rather revealing!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Yes.
> 
> Good advice.
> 
> ...


Naw, don't wanna upset the little muffins. I would appreciate it if you would not change the spelling in my posts, though.:grin2: For realz, man.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Naw, don't wanna upset the little muffins. I would appreciate it if you would not change the spelling in my posts, though.:grin2: For realz, man.


It was Lilith...
She is a stickler for accuracy.

Next time put parenthesis, or apostrophes around the purposefully 'misspelled' word or phrase.

Lilith never miss spells. She leaves that tasking to the magical Leprechaun King, Brian.
He has made some major, private, corporal fatal errors in life. 
It takes a lot of practice to perform magic; to do so flawlessly.




The Typist II-


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

She is trying to pick between one guy with a teeny weenie and the other with no balls.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> It was Lilith...
> She is a stickler for accuracy.
> 
> Next time put parenthesis, or apostrophes around the purposefully 'misspelled' word or phrase.
> ...


The Typist II, please tell Lilith that my middle finger is getting itchy.

Back to the OP, I agree that he needs to get a full-time job.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> She is trying to pick between one guy with a teeny weenie and the other with no balls.


Oh God, help us all..
The humor in Spicy's remark is so real.
Is surreal. 

OP, a man underfoot, he is.

Help "stay-at-home dad" to overcome his throes, his woes.

Become his own man.
Do so in an image, not his presently known image. 
The image we know, she knows..... image.
A dis-respected image, a disrespected man, OP now be, now is.

Rather a new image of his own making.
Making himself not passive, becoming firm.
Becoming steadfast.

OP, stand up to this nonsense...give her the boot.



The Martian- fluffed up by Lilith.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> You are going to get some pretty rough posts that follow mine but they will speak the bold truth.
> 
> I'm usually pro reconciliation. Like you, I have been a doornat before but likely not to this extent. My STBXW denied everything always and said our issues had nothing to do with another man. Your wife is flat out telling you it's another man.
> 
> ...


OP, you need to read this post many times. Now SFFU is a guy that made so many mistakes, but I agree not as many as you already have, and it took a while, but he learned. 

And he knows what he is talking about. You have to find your balls. When is the last time you saw them that you remember?

And lets be really clear, the Emotional affairs that she has been having, I mean you don't actually believe that do you? 

Brother, she has been sleeping around on you for a long time, most of your marriage if not all. 

And her and the cook, has sex in your bed if you did not realize that already... How does that make you feel. 

Please don't be stupid anymore. You have not had a marriage of a really long time. Just file for divorce, tell her to move out, get a job, and end this thing, please...


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

He already left his wife a few months ago. Just found out. Thanks for sharing your opinion.


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

"get a job" isn't easy as snapping your fingers. I've applied for several and have different versions of my resume to match the gig I'm after. And, actually, I like oats. Thanks for your 2 cents tho.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Cheaters typically blame their spouse in order to avoid guilt and to avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior. She's not cheating because of your lack of income ...that's just a convenient excuse. It sounds like she supports you. You're the primary caregiver to your kids so you have a strong case to argue for full custody plus child support from her. Make sure you have the last 3 years of tax returns to support your situation. 

She's been deceitful, disrespectful and selfish for much much too long .... this behavior is 'who' she is (and it's pretty mean spirited toward you).
Cheaters think that if you don't actually catch them having sex that they're safe from consequences.

Her behavior is disrespectful (and mean) and probably doesn't take anything you say seriously. 
File for divorce immediately with no advance warning to her (then notify the other guy's spouse). 

She has the statutory waiting or divorce processing time to change your mind. It's up to her to convince you that she deserves a second chance. 

I think you should seek counseling on your own to understand why you tolerate her mistreatment of you (I think it's much more complicated than "it's for the kids"). Currently she is not a good mother or wife ....and you are allowing her to provide a self destructive role model for the kids. Some day your kids will either be 'you' or 'her' in a marriage....it's up to you to prevent that.


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

We do have time together now. Although it conflicts with side-work and job-hunting, we spend a few hours talking just about every night after the kids go to bed.


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

These aren't the actual names but thanks for looking out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just divorce already.

Geez.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@stabbedintheheart

I understand that you want to save your marriage, but in order for your marriage to be save, SHE would also need to want to save your marriage. If she does not, you will not be able to save it "all by yourself," and if she wants to destroy it, she can destroy it by doing the opposite of what you want her to do! She can end the marriage entirely all by herself whether you agree to end it or not. 

So think of it like this: a marriage can survive an angry partner...it can NOT survive active infidelity. She is currently actively unfaithful, and if that continues your marriage will not survive no matter what you say or do. So don't be afraid of "making her mad"...be afraid of the truth that if she continues to commit adultery it will end your marriage!

Now, this is my own humble opinion--you can take what you find useful or ignore it as you wish. After all, you're an adult and you are the one who has to live your life, not me. However, if it were me I would not find it acceptable that she can not choose between you and OM. She made moral and legal promises TO YOU when the two of you married, not the least of which is forsaking all others! She made no such commitment to him, and yet she is giving away to some other man what is rightfully yours--morally and legally! Therefore, if it were me, I'd tell her that my boundary for a life partner is someone who will honor their promises 100% (that means 0% or anyone else)!! If she can't honor her promises fully, then you will make the decision FOR HER and take yourself out of the equation because you have too much self-worth to do the "Pick Me" dance. 

I would strongly suggest that you realize that you are like every other person on the planet--but you have pros and cons--she is trying to keep your pros, get the pros from another person, and have to deal with NO CONS! That's not real! Soooo...either she is the kind of woman who wants to be honest and faithful right now...or she's not. And if she's not, then stop giving her the choice to decide if she can have you as a partner or not. You decide...and with some courage and self-confidence, choose to ONLY have a life partner who will be honest and faithful to YOU.


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

Affaircare said:


> @stabbedintheheart
> 
> I understand that you want to save your marriage, but in order for your marriage to be save, SHE would also need to want to save your marriage. If she does not, you will not be able to save it "all by yourself," and if she wants to destroy it, she can destroy it by doing the opposite of what you want her to do! She can end the marriage entirely all by herself whether you agree to end it or not.
> 
> ...


 @Affaircare,

You hit it smack on the head and we're actively working towards reconnecting, which is what I think we both want. I certainly don't feel like we've crossed the point of no return. I often hear people say "we tried everything" but they often haven't.

Thank you for providing the wisdom I was hoping to encounter here.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

stabbedintheheart said:


> "get a job" isn't easy as snapping your fingers. I've applied for several and have different versions of my resume to match the gig I'm after. And, actually, I like oats. Thanks for your 2 cents tho.


Life does not care if things are not easy... of course it's hard. Sassy come backs and essays will not help your cause.

Of course if you have an alternate suggestion/plan you wouldn't be here in a forum looking for "advise".

Don't let the oats get too soggy now you hear?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Wow. Well, your overall situation is painfully common, but the severity and outright openness of the situation are relatively rare. I'll keep this concise and to the point. 

1. Get your testosterone checked. Tomorrow.
2. Men come in two categories: Lovers and Providers. Ideally, you want to be a combination of both. You failed at the lover thing then painfully failed at providing. That tore her boundaries down and put her in "must procure new mate" mode. It's basically totally out of her control. That ain't your wife no more, my friend.
3. Your marriage is over. It's been over for a while. Stop doing what you're doing now and accept that. Accept REALITY not what SHOULD be.

I could link you to about a dozen posts of mine, but google my username and read my blog. It was made for guys like you and me. Message me and I'll shoot you a free copy of my book. No cost... no money... I just grow tired of good-hearted guys like you getting sh*t on in life.

Good luck.


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

I thought we were talking about marriage in this thread? This isn't about finances. My "mission" here is to hear from guys in similar situations, not to get sh*t on by trolls. Didn't your mamma teach you some respect?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

stabbedintheheart said:


> I thought we were talking about marriage in this thread? This isn't about finances. My "mission" here is to hear from guys in similar situations, not to get sh*t on by trolls. Didn't your mamma teach you some respect?




Easy killer. I’ve been around here long enough to know that no one who responded to you is a troll. Be careful with that because it can get you banned. 

These awesome folks have seen ‘em all come and go. You be wise to drop the defense and at least consider what they’re telling you before you dismiss it. In the end, take the advice you can use and leave the rest behind. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

stabbedintheheart said:


> I thought we were talking about marriage in this thread? This isn't about finances. My "mission" here is to hear from guys in similar situations, not to get sh*t on by trolls. Didn't your mamma teach you some respect?


My brother, please, take a breath. 

The Trolls that you speak of are men that have been through this stuff before, and lived through it. 

If there was a marriage that was worth saving, or a women worth being with in this post we would tell you that, there is not. 

And please calmly respond and tell at least me that you read this post. 

When a woman has a man over while hubby is working all night it is to have sex. What you don't want to understand is that more that likely the EA's that you speak of are not EA's at all. 

They are full blown, physical affairs complete with wild monkey sex that you as her husband have never come close to getting. 

The red flags are so cleat that a blind man could see them. 

You have got to come out of the state of denial that you are living in. 

Please tell us that you at least understand what we are saying...


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Easy killer. I’ve been around here long enough to know that no one who responded to you is a troll. Be careful with that because it can get you banned.
> 
> These awesome folks have seen ‘em all come and go. You be wise to drop the defense and at least consider what they’re telling you before you dismiss it. In the end, take the advice you can use and leave the rest behind.
> 
> ...


My point exactly. Some provide thoughtful, constructive suggestions. Others spew insults and provide no value to the thread.


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

We have our own wild monkey sex. That's never, ever been an issue. We always take care of each other in bed. And the older we get the more in tune we are. 

Yes, bruh, I hear what you're saying. But I think some are quick to generalize and put all women in the same boat. Wait, is that what y'all are trying to holler at me and I just discovered the secret to a peaceful life...?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

stabbedintheheart said:


> We have our own wild monkey sex. That's never, ever been an issue. We always take care of each other in bed. And the older we get the more in tune we are.
> 
> Yes, bruh, I hear what you're saying. But I think some are quick to generalize and put all women in the same boat. Wait, is that what y'all are trying to holler at me and I just discovered the secret to a peaceful life...?


There is nothing that we can do here folks. 
@stabbedintheheart, I wish you well. I hope everything works out for you...


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I've seen this play out many times. It isn't fair and people will try to deny it, but being a stay-at-home-dad often ends in disaster. I don't know if it is cultural or built into our DNA, but I've seen very, very few SAHD situations that didn't end up in him going back to work in a few years or ending in disaster.

For whatever reason, women lose respect for men that stay home. Maybe it isn't a "manly" thing to do. I don't know what the cause, but I think you're a victim of this bias. It sounds like it is already too late for you.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

FalCod said:


> I've seen this play out many times. It isn't fair and people will try to deny it, but being a stay-at-home-dad often ends in disaster. I don't know if it is cultural or built into our DNA, but I've seen very, very few SAHD situations that didn't end up in him going back to work in a few years or ending in disaster.
> 
> For whatever reason, women lose respect for men that stay home. Maybe it isn't a "manly" thing to do. I don't know what the cause, but I think you're a victim of this bias. It sounds like it is already too late for you.


Statistically, women are more likely to divorce a SAHD than a fully-employed guy.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

We have a nice parting gift for you...........Next contestant please, Bob...........


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

stabbedintheheart said:


> She literally said it herself, she’s addicted to another man. And I often cry in my breakfast about it......
> There was Kevin and Gray and Brian and Ken and even a few girls thrown in the mix. Point is, every few years, Polly finds someone outside of our relationship to exchange feelings with.
> 
> I didn’t discover this until around Xmas, but Madden had been regularly coming over to the house to cook dinner. He called late on Xmas eve. And the week before, Polly thought it’d be cool if he came over to hang up lights on OUR house.
> ...





stabbedintheheart said:


> We do have time together now. Although it conflicts with side-work and job-hunting, we spend a few hours talking just about every night after the kids go to bed.


You are there, we aren’t. Do you have a marriage? Or not?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Confucius say "never trust a person who claims they're not expressive and then goes on to deliver a 1000+ word statement".


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Get a REAL job. Simple


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So....... you think your wife has never had sex with little weenie but she is willing to leave her family for him and can’t make up her mind. Do you realize how obvious your wife’s motives are to the folks here that have seen thousands of stories just like yours.


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

Thanks for the suggestion for getting a T check. Just found out the old man has low T and it's hard for me to keep weight on. I can eat like a pig but haven't been fat since 8th grade.


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> There is nothing that we can do here folks.
> @stabbedintheheart, I wish you well. I hope everything works out for you...


thanks for feigning concern and yes, things are looking up. You can put away your jump-to-conclusions mat now, Smykowski


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## stabbedintheheart (Jul 1, 2018)

Chaparral said:


> So....... you think your wife has never had sex with little weenie but she is willing to leave her family for him and can’t make up her mind. Do you realize how obvious your wife’s motives are to the folks here that have seen thousands of stories just like you.


After a thorough interrogation, no, I don't believe she has. Sure, you can generalize and stereotype and assume the worst in everyone. But after last night's talk, I really don't feel I have a need for concern in that dept. Good luck out there on the racetrack! When speed and danger come together it makes for serious exhilaration


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, sadly, and I know it hurts, but she's already left you in her mind, in the real world, and her future plans. She has slept with OM(s). 

Your kids won't be stripped from you. The D road hurts, is difficult, but in some situations is the only choice. 

Somewhere there is a woman who'll care for you and have a truly loving relationship with you. The fact you're accepting W talking to OM while you are with her, in your own bed even, is so far away from a real H-W relationship it's mind boggling. 

You've given her approval to cheat by your actions. You are NOT responsible for her cheating. There's a difference. 

Stand up straight and start telling her no.

You can do it.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Guys that post these should be required to read the hundreds if not thousands of posts just like his here on TAM. The ones where the guys swore she wasn't cheating only to find out she was. 

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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

You have been friendzoned by your wife. The biggest red flag is that you talk to her for "a couple of hours" every night. I don't talk a couple of hours with my wife in three months combined. You are playing the role of one of her girlfriends, her "emotional support squirrel", as it were. You are her husband. Talk to her about the children or about generic other subjects ("looks like it might rain tomorrow" etc) but nothing emotional. 

In a woman's mind a husband fills certain roles in life but emotional support is never one of them. You didn't know this (to be fair, there's no owner's manual for this kind of stuff) and have placed yourself in a box you, frankly, will never escape from.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, if you were half as firm with your wayward wife as you are with posters on this forum with whom you disagree, your problems would be much smaller.

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