# Married Man Who's Only Sex Life is Internet Porn



## besticanbe (Oct 8, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. I'm 29 and she is 34. We have no children. I have a very high sex drive (I'd prefer sex twice a day but would be happy to settle for once a week) and my wife it seems has no sex drive anymore. I'm active duty military and we is a stay at home wife. I tend to work long hours but I'm always willing to fight through exhaustion if it means I'll get to make love to my wife. My wife is on the heavy set side with a curvy shape that I love. I know she is self conscious about her weight and appearance and I try to do everything possible to reassure her that I think she is beautiful. It's completely out of my control how attracted to her I am. For example, we'll be in our bedroom changing clothes, I'll be in my underwear and she'll take off her shirt and bra which immediately results in me getting an erection. The combination of my attraction to my beautiful wife and the lack of sex makes this a sure thing to happen every time. She usually just sees it happen and playfully says "wow really, that's ridiculous. I tell her that I find her very sexy and she turns me on, to which she usually replies, "Wow, I'm sorry."

I can go on and on but to put it simply the only time we ever have sex is when I initiate and she's tired of telling me no and decides its just easier to give in and have sex than it is to say no again. This only seems to happen once every few months. I've read that sometimes the person with the higher sex drive needs to back on and let the other person initiate when the mood hits them so they feel more like they're the one with the urge rather than the person just giving in to their partners constant attempts for sex. I tried this method... it resulted in no sex for 7 months and during this time my wife never tried to initiate sex, never even mentioned it once for that matter.

Like I said, we've been married for 5 years, together for 6. Of course at first we couldn't keep our hands off of each other but over the first year the frequency slowly reduced. No it's the the point where I'm usually masturbating to internet porn twice daily just to keep my pent up urges in check. I am a married man and take that very seriously so I would never have an affair, however, given my currently situation, I can very well see why someone would. I vowed to be faithful, not celibate.

Theres a new interesting development with this situation. My wife has told me that she's ready to have a child. She wants to try for a baby but doesn't seem to have any interest in the process for making that happen. When we first got married we didn't have the money for a honeymoon. Well, we recently went on our "5 years after we got married" honeymoon. We went to Ireland for 21 days. Prior to the trip I talked to my wife and asked if we could come to an agreement. We'll be on our honeymoon for 21 days in a country we've both dreamed of visiting all our lives and we're both feel now is the right time to have a baby. Can we at least agree to have sex every night during the honeymoon. My wife said that was fair and sounded like it would be fun. I was shocked but reserved in my enthusiasm. Long story short, by the time we returned from the honeymoon we had only had sex twice and both times she pretty much just laid there and let me do my thing so I'd leave her along about it. Call me crazy but somehow the sex just isn't as enjoyable or passionate when I'm making love to a living sex doll.

Anyway I could go on for hours and hours about this. I'm open to any suggestions.

If I've been too vague in any part of my description please let me know. I welcome all advise and criticism.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Do not, under any circumstances, make a baby with this woman. If you do, it will be difficult and expensive to get out of this make-believe marriage. Knock off the porn, feel the full massive weight of the misery she's willfully subjecting you to. Your use of porn is like a pain killer that prevents you from feeling a deadly ailment and doing something about it. No kids? No sex? Kick her to the curb while you can and waste not another day of your life begging to be treated like a human being. She promised to be your wife but for reasons known only to her, she quit the job long ago. Make it official.


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## besticanbe (Oct 8, 2013)

I should make it clear that I'm very happy with my wife and other than the lack of sex she is a warm supportive and loving wife in every other way. I suspect the major source of her lack of sex drive is due to some of her own self esteem issues. I am nowhere near "kicking her to the curb" over this. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to your advise as I did welcome all input, however, I feel that working through this lack of sex issue will be worth the effort. As far as having a baby with someone who doesn't want sex, well, that is sort of self correcting. She can't expect to get pregnant if she's not willing to have sex. I don't like that is is our situation, but it's our situation non the less. My big thing I'm trying to figure out is, how to you convince someone they're beautiful, sexy, attractive, and all you desire, when they feel they're non of those things and you're only after sex to get yourself off? By the way, she has not said any of that to me, this is my assumption. Whenever I bring up our non sex life and try to have a conversation, all I ever get out of her is "I'm never really in the mood" or "I just don't feel sexy and can't get into it."


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Then, drive on with all possible haste and Godspeed!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Are you sure that your wife does not know about you masturbating to porn? I ask because many women suffer from body image issues and if she knows that you are watching porn, she may feel woefully inadequate, and unable to compete with those surgery modified, lust crazy fantasy women of porn. For a minute imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and she was masturbating to men with monstrous size penises? So quit the porn ASAP.

Seek out a professional counselor that is experienced in helping women deal with body image issues and ask what you can do to help your wife embrace her body and abandon that internal myth that she is not worthy of enjoying sex.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Usually what looks like LD is really a symptom of other problems in the relationship. So let's look there first.

You are in the military. Have you been deployed and they away from your wife for long periods of time?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you, doing date-like things? What I mean by date-like are things like going for walks together and holding hands, just sitting together and talking... it can also be dinner out. Watching a movie when the two of you are not talking and not cuddling does not count.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

besticanbe said:


> My wife and I have been married for 5 years. I'm 29 and she is 34. We have no children. I have a very high sex drive (I'd prefer sex twice a day but would be happy to settle for once a week) and my wife it seems has no sex drive anymore. I'm active duty military and we is a stay at home wife. I tend to work long hours but I'm always willing to fight through exhaustion if it means I'll get to make love to my wife. My wife is on the heavy set side with a curvy shape that I love. I know she is self conscious about her weight and appearance and I try to do everything possible to reassure her that I think she is beautiful. It's completely out of my control how attracted to her I am. For example, we'll be in our bedroom changing clothes, I'll be in my underwear and she'll take off her shirt and bra which immediately results in me getting an erection. The combination of my attraction to my beautiful wife and the lack of sex makes this a sure thing to happen every time. She usually just sees it happen and playfully says "wow really, that's ridiculous. I tell her that I find her very sexy and she turns me on, to which she usually replies, "Wow, I'm sorry."
> 
> I can go on and on but to put it simply the only time we ever have sex is when I initiate and she's tired of telling me no and decides its just easier to give in and have sex than it is to say no again. This only seems to happen once every few months. I've read that sometimes the person with the higher sex drive needs to back on and let the other person initiate when the mood hits them so they feel more like they're the one with the urge rather than the person just giving in to their partners constant attempts for sex. I tried this method... it resulted in no sex for 7 months and during this time my wife never tried to initiate sex, never even mentioned it once for that matter.
> 
> ...



Did you marry my wifee?

Sounds similar to my situation. If I don't initiate, because she has a much lower sex drive, no pressure, no sex happens. I too could have sex 1 - 2x day but I would settle for sex once every two days, maybe 3 - 4x week.

For goodness sake, don't have children with this woman. If she is LD now, wait until having kids and her sex drive is zero and she still sees nothing wrong with this.

You will jump through more hoops, read more books, more posts and threads but in the end, you will compromise your HD down to LD for her or view more porn or have an affair.

She is to take care of your needs as her own and not what she only wants. Since she knows you are HD, find her sexy and want to have sex with her often, she should be happy and flattered you only want to be with her.

Some LD's just don't clue in and by the time they do, 10 to 15+ years later.....its too late.

Maybe she only married you just to get married, have children and no sex? Bait and switch?

She needs to get help, figure out why she is LD. Family Doctor, hormones, physical, abused as a child?, bad ex bf?

My wifee is a larger woman too but until she decided to start taking care of herself and lost the 50+ lbs, her sex drive was only 1x month and sometimes even worse than that. Now that she is much fitter, healthier and happier, her sex drive is higher, maybe 2x week but I still have to initiate or its back to 1x month or longer.

If we only knew before we got married.......run away.

I feel for yah brother.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure how you looking at porn is helping to relieve your wife's self image problem. If your wife was getting off while looking at other men, how would your self-image be?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I understand why you are viewing porn. You are a HD hubby that needs sex almost daily and your LD wifee isn't taking care of business and knows this.

If your wifee is a bigger girl and self conscious, she needs to get off her butt, go to a local gym, weight, cardio and eat better lower calories meals. She needs to lose the weight, get in shape and only then will her confidence go up, and her sex drive as well. And you don't even have kids....so she can't say, I am raising 2, 3 or 4 kids and I'm exhausted. She is raising no kids and a stay at home wifee.......with no excuses and still a low sex drive?! Sounds like she is comfy.

It took Mrs.CuddleBug about 15 years to get off her butt, go to a gym, start loosing the weight, new clothes, new hairstyles, braces, feeling much better about herself, confidence went up and start to get a sex drive.......about 15 years of nothing before then. Are you prepared for that? And I too viewed the porn often......just like you.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Not sure how you looking at porn is helping to relieve your wife's self image problem. If your wife was getting off while looking at other men, how would your self-image be?


Her self image problem was there before that. What, is the guy supposed to go without ANY kind of stimulation? Bullcrap. Her issue is HER issue...not one he created for her by looking at porn after a quarter of a year, time after time, without sex.

She needs to get over it. And I don't say that lightly, or say it thinking it an easy thing. But, she's going to LOSE A GOOD HUSBAND over it, and her insecurity. And that is HER responsibility, NOT HIS. However, as he loves and cares for her, he can help her with this.

To the OP...It seems, from what you say, that all else is good in the relationship except for the sex (or lack thereof), apparently caused by her body issues and lack of self esteem and confidence. Like many women, she believes your interest in her is sexual only, and you are not so much attracted to her as you are her vagina. "Any port in a storm" mentality...reversed. 

About all I could recommend in this situation is to put the two of you in situations, romantic situations, where sex is IMPOSSIBLE. And then lay it on her. How sexy you think she is. How beautiful she is to you. Little comments as you're walking..."damn babe, you are looking good!". She will naturally roll her eyes (I'm sure you've seen this), or "tsk" and say "yeah right". That's when you get assertive, grab her, turn her to you and tell her "listen, I'm not bull****ting you...you look great. What kind of guy do you think I am, or do you think you married? A guy that will tell you a bunch of bullchit just to get laid?!!! Because I AM NOT THAT GUY! So STOP with the insecurity crap, like it or not, I'm attracted to you, but if you keep this nonsense up, questioning my integrity or the kind of man I am, I can lose this attraction for you in a hurry".

Sometimes a not so gentle proverbial kick in the butt to let them know you don't appreciate your motives and integrity being questioned in such a way can go a long way towards reassuring them. This is a time where standing up for YOURSELF can make them truly believe and feel better about THEMSELVES. Think about it....would you be insulted if your buddies said she was less than attractive and the only reason you were with her was to get laid? Of course you would, and your buddies would probably be spitting teeth out like they were chiclets were they to say that to you. So why allow her to do the same? Maybe stand up for yourself a little here, and make her feel better about herself at the same time.

(I have dealt with this. My W has body issues, that strangely enough got WORSE the BETTER she looked! She looks AMAZING for a 50 yr old woman. Top 5 percent body wise without a doubt for her age group...and legs that most 25 year old women would sell off their first born for. Tits most guys would kill for. She can rock a bikini pretty damn good. A now very athletic build after 2 years of solid working out. She looks killer! Most 30 year old women would sell their soul for her body, let alone a 50 year old. But she has this issue with her belly, stretch marks, "body image issues" as she says, etc. It has taken me a year of "joshing her" back when she says things like "I'm fat", or "my belly is huge". It seems only with me turning that around on her has she realized how ridiculous she sounds. I finally told her she looked great, better get used to it, and frankly it was insulting to me and pizzing me off for her to question my integrity when I told her she looked amazing, and questioned what she really thought about me to think I'd lie to her just to appease her, or her thinking that I was "settling for less". Informed her I was not happy that she thought I was the kind of guy that would "settle" for anything less than what I thought I deserved or was seriously attracted to, and asked her what did she think that was supposed to tell me about what SHE thought of ME? That little kick in her skinny azz seems to have worked. She's not over it yet, but I can see how she looks at herself in the mirror differently now. Confident, sexy, and she believes it. And I love it. Nothing better than covertly watching your woman get dressed, checking herself out in the mirror, and seeing her SMILE!)


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

gueyestan said:


> Not sure how you looking at porn is helping to relieve your wife's self image problem.


Not sure how his wife withholding sex is helping to relieve his porn "problem"...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

besticanbe said:


> I should make it clear that I'm very happy with my wife and other than the lack of sex she is a warm supportive and loving wife in every other way. I suspect the major source of her lack of sex drive is due to some of her own self esteem issues. I am nowhere near "kicking her to the curb" over this. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to your advise as I did welcome all input, however, I feel that working through this lack of sex issue will be worth the effort. As far as having a baby with someone who doesn't want sex, well, that is sort of self correcting. She can't expect to get pregnant if she's not willing to have sex. I don't like that is is our situation, but it's our situation non the less. My big thing I'm trying to figure out is, how to you convince someone they're beautiful, sexy, attractive, and all you desire, when they feel they're non of those things and you're only after sex to get yourself off? By the way, she has not said any of that to me, this is my assumption. Whenever I bring up our non sex life and try to have a conversation, all I ever get out of her is "I'm never really in the mood" or "I just don't feel sexy and can't get into it."


When you're looking at porn and taking care of your "problem", who are you pleasing other than yourself? You are training yourself to only be concerned with your own release. How do you convince the one dimensional women you are viewing while you rub one out that they are loved and valued? You don't. You care nothing about them and they return the sentiment. How are you supposed to convince your wife that she's all you desire while you're getting yourself off looking at assorted other women? 
You can talk till you're blue in the face, but your actions will always be more convincing than your words will ever hope to be. She's obviously not all you desire and you obviously do use women only for sex. You don't discuss your hopes, plans, and dreams with those models or porn stars. You look at them and take care of business. You don't care if they even have brains or feelings. If your wife believes you objectify women (including herself) as primarily sex objects, your watching porn only validates those beliefs.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> When you're looking at porn and taking care of your "problem", who are you pleasing other than yourself? You are training yourself to only be concerned with your own release. How do you convince the one dimensional women you are viewing while you rub one out that they are loved and valued? You don't. You care nothing about them and they return the sentiment. How are you supposed to convince your wife that she's all you desire while you're getting yourself off looking at assorted other women?
> You can talk till you're blue in the face, but your actions will always be more convincing than your words will ever hope to be. She's obviously not all you desire and you obviously do use women only for sex. You don't discuss your hopes, plans, and dreams with those models or porn stars. You look at them and take care of business. You don't care if they even have brains or feelings. If your wife believes you objectify women (including herself) as primarily sex objects, your watching porn only validates those beliefs.


This does create an interesting chicken and egg issue. In my experience men who watch a lot of porn tend to be selfish lovers for the very reasons you've stated, so if OP is jerking off to porn twice a day it's tough to imagine that this hasn't affected him as a lover. 

That begs the question of when it started. Has it always been there or did it only start when the sex started dropping off? My guess is that it was probably intertwined and came on gradually; sex with wife is every other day and porn fills in the twice a day urge. But little by little porn selfishness makes it's way into the bedroom and she becomes less excited about sex with him as there's less and less in it for her. Now sex is once a month with porn still filling in twice per day.....so what are the odds that for that one time a month OP is a selfless, giving lover? Possible, but he is only human and it's a natural response to that much porn.

That could be way off and OP could be the most giving lover ever, we can't know that from his posts. But it is worth him having a conversation with his wife. OP, have you asked your wife is sex is satisfying for her when you do have it? Does she orgasm? You need to ask her that directly because this board is filled with men insisting that their once a month LD wife has multiple orgasms, and as a woman I can tell you that women who orgasm like that want more sex. How can you not want sex when you orgasm? Women fake all the time to spare an ego and guy's can seldom tell.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

His wifee is to take care of herself, be fit, and take care of his need, which is sex. But she has let herself go, bigger girl, needs to get in shape and isn't into sex much starving her poor hubby. Does that sound like an adult woman and loving wifee? No. So over time, he is sexually starved, she knows this, does nothing, and he starts going to porn to relieve himself and we blame him!?

I think we need to find out why she has let herself go, bigger girl, needs to loose weight and why she has done nothing? Why she is LD and does nothing about it?

Porn is a symptom of the root problem, she needs to get a sex drive and get in shape instead of doing neither.

Really?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What culture and family situation is she coming from? And how was intimacy before marriage??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

No job, no responsibilities, no kids and refuses to have sex. And that's not a deal breaker for you? Oh brother. She's using you. She wants a kid because it'll be a perfect excuse. It only takes one time so she's planning to do the minimum to get you completely locked in.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No job, no responsibilities, no kids and refuses to have sex. And that's not a deal breaker for you? Oh brother. She's using you. She wants a kid because it'll be a perfect excuse. It only takes one time so she's planning to do the minimum to get you completely locked in.



This!!!:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Give her a kid, its all on you at that point.

Could she be having an affair???

In my books, she is a free loading bum, taking advantage of you and controlling you with sex, not having much and then trying to have a kid so she can continue the lifystyle and give you no sex.....divorce papers ready.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Do NOT have children until the frequency issue is worked out. One of the things that happened to me is once we had kids (3 awesome, incredible boys), my wife cut me off & said I needed to be happy with it or she would take the boys & leave, not letting me see them anymore. This actually happened to a good friend of mine. Judges will do the most *&^*&^%&^ things.

I spent my time with the kids, now that they are almost all grown, I've starting being able to be assertive again, pushing her to see a counselor to deal with her problems. Kids are wonderful, but they will give your wife a incredible hold on you. If you are not happy now, it will only get worse when she has all the leverage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If a woman doesn't take care of her husband and she isn't taking care of herself, why would anyone assume she would take care of a baby properly? What happens if she just doesn't feel like or "can't" feed or change her infant? A baby can't get on-line and get cyber-food or a cyber-bath or a virtual diaper change. Being "Mom" is a full time commitment to sacrifice for another human being and the only other person on earth who currently depends on this woman to have needs met is being serially neglected. 
People cannot be happy (content) unless they are first content with themselves. If she is unhappy with her weight and she is the only person capable of doing anything about that, she must be unhappy with herself. A baby, along with the natural weight gain and very possible postpartum depression, isn't likely to improve her self image and is certainly unlikely to make her husband a more significant feature in her life (which is rather the goal of the OP). If he thinks he's not occupying much of her attention now, wait till a baby shows up.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

besticanbe said:


> I should make it clear that I'm very happy with my wife and other than the lack of sex she is a warm supportive and loving wife in every other way.


If its that great just get use to rejection and substituting the real thing with pixels and your fingers my man. It ain't gonna change. To award yourself even more torment, go ahead and get saddled with a kid. Give it a few more years and you'll be singing a different tune about how happy you are with this iceberg.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

How can you even think about bringing an innocent child into a unhealthy marriage? Take it from all of us who have been divorced, with kids, it stinks all the way around.
You can pretend to push problems under the rug, but they will still be there and will reappear at will. The fact that you posted on here proves you are not happy with your situation, so don't go and make your child unhappy as well.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

besticanbe said:


> * As far as having a baby with someone who doesn't want sex, well, that is sort of self correcting.* She can't expect to get pregnant if she's not willing to have sex.


Yes. In much the same way that nuclear annihilation brings about peace and harmony after the fact.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

No kids, no job, yet she doesn't even work out?
Not trying to be offensive, but what exactly does she do all day?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Agree tommyr
She has the opportunity to improve her image. She also has the opportunity to seek some IC. 
I can't say your wife if hurt from the porn but I can say when my ex watched it, it brought my self esteem down. But I also wasn't saying no to sex at any time.
Talk to her give her the option of moving forward because there should be consequences if the answer is no. 

No kids whatever you decide to do.

Best wishes!


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Never understood the whole porn thing? If you can't eat pizza, why would you want to watch someone else eating it? I'm celiac and can't eat gluten, that is my analogy.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

A superb analogy WoundedWarrior.


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

CuddleBug

Hit the Nail on the head in all posts here so far.


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## runnergal (Dec 29, 2014)

Hello. I thought maybe my viewpoint may help. I have caught my significant other masturbating to porn several times during the course of our relationship. I finally asked him yesterday why he doesn't come to me for his sexual needs and he says it's because I am not in the mood. Mind you I am not in the mood for a reason and I haven't told him yet. It's because he doesn't do foreplay at all and it makes sex hurt so I avoid it. I have got to the point now where I don't enjoy kissing him because I feel he is very selfish. Do you do foreplay? I am not talking about 5 minutes of kissing, I am talking about spending a lot of time on her to get her worked up. She may have body issues, but if you arouse a woman enough, she will forget those issues. And if she is having issues with foreplay, you need to do foreplay outside of the bedroom - such as a romantic night out. I know you are tired, but if you truly want to have sex with more than your hand, try this a few times. You need to stop watching porn because it's teaching you the wrong ways of pleasuring your lady. Women need time to warm up. Warm her up.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

runnergal said:


> Hello. I thought maybe my viewpoint may help. I have caught my significant other masturbating to porn several times during the course of our relationship. I finally asked him yesterday why he doesn't come to me for his sexual needs and he says it's because I am not in the mood. Mind you I am not in the mood for a reason and* I haven't told him yet*. It's because he doesn't do foreplay at all and it makes sex hurt so I avoid it. I have got to the point now where I don't enjoy kissing him because I feel he is very selfish. Do you do foreplay? I am not talking about 5 minutes of kissing, I am talking about spending a lot of time on her to get her worked up. She may have body issues, but if you arouse a woman enough, she will forget those issues. And if she is having issues with foreplay, you need to do foreplay outside of the bedroom - such as a romantic night out. I know you are tired, but if you truly want to have sex with more than your hand, try this a few times. You need to stop watching porn because it's teaching you the wrong ways of pleasuring your lady. Women need time to warm up. Warm her up.


Your partner is probably frustrated beyond belief, and wants to give you pleasure, WHY haven't you told him?:scratchhead:


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Do not, under any circumstances, make a baby with this woman. If you do, it will be difficult and expensive to get out of this make-believe marriage. *Knock off the porn*, feel the full massive weight of the misery she's willfully subjecting you to. Your use of porn is like a pain killer that prevents you from feeling a deadly ailment and doing something about it. No kids? No sex? Kick her to the curb while you can and waste not another day of your life begging to be treated like a human being. She promised to be your wife but for reasons known only to her, she quit the job long ago. Make it official.


OP If your wife knows or suspects the porn use (and my guess is she does) That can't help her self esteem.

Save all of your sexual energy for her.Regain her trust emotionally. Reconnect emotionally trust me ,unless there are other issues i.e. health or psychological she will come around.

If not time to move on. No children until this is resolved.
You both are far too young to live like this.

55 
.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Trust me, once you have kids, sex will stop. We've had sex once in three plus years, and she's too tired from trying to be SuperMom to even think about sex (kids napping? - forget sex, she needs a nap). Get out while you can, as it won't get any better.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

besticanbe said:


> I should make it clear that I'm very happy with my wife and other than the lack of sex she is a warm supportive and loving wife in every other way.


I see statements like this all the time here and all I can think is to me it's like saying, "I love my car...it's got all the bells and whistles I could every want...except for the fact it doesn't run...it's great". 

If your wife is not interested in sex with you there is either something wrong with her or something wrong with your relationship. If she's prepared to work with you you can address the relationship. If it's her things won't change until she's motivated to change. By that time you may be so used to internet porn you won't be able to perform with a real woman.

I think it's time to rock the boat. You have to make it clear in no uncertain terms you will not participate in a sexless marriage...and mean it. Anything less and you might as well resign yourself to the porn.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

I am in a similar situation where the marriage became sexless or maybe once a month after the first couple years. I tried to give my wife more and more thinking if all her needs we're met mine would be too. Quite the opposite has happened. I have 3 kids that i love more than anything in the world and our toxic relationship has been awful for them.
Do not have kids with this woman, you will be giving up any chance of happiness and having your needs fulfilled and at the same time enabling someone that is using you to take more and more without giving back. 
She will probably make up any and every excuse to justify her actions and behavior. Add a child into this neglectful relationship and you will be too deep. You claim that you love her but are having trouble accepting that she completely neglects what is important to you after giving that to you freely in the beginning. She made you feel so good and loved and she took care of needs that only your lover could take care of. Now she sees your needs as unimportant and an annoyance to her comfortable day. She does not love you enough to enjoy providing you with what you need. If she loved you she would enjoy giving that to you. 
You are in love with the girl that took care of all your needs and she is already gone. You are to afraid to get out because you want that girl back and are chasing that feeling of being loved and taken care of. She is not willing to provide it and you are determined to find it again in her and afraid that you won't find it in someone else. 
Right now there is still a chance that you will believe in yourself and what you deserve and stop accepting being mistreated and neglected. Of you have a baby with her you will probably never be willing to ruin that child's world by splitting up mom and dad. 
Do Not Have A Baby With Her, please! I understand that your heart is attached to these hopes and dreams of the future you want with her. You will never feel loved by a girl that continues to neglect your basic needs that you have trusted her with.
Everyone wants to believe that their situation is special and different and that it will work out. It is not easy to give up on something that your whole heart is attached to. Everything inside your heart wants to take care of her every need and protect her. Everyday when you feel neglected and unloved, your heart will hurt. Your self esteem will suffer and you will become more and more consumed by what's missing. The resentment will grow as the hurt sets in deeper and deeper. She will be content with the situation in which her needs are being met and not understand why you can't be. She will convince you that something is wrong with YOU. 
Believe in yourself and what you need. Don't let her belittle it and label it as unimportant. You need to be strong enough to go through the pain and get to the other side of this one way relationship. 
Pm me if you want any more of my advice


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Sorry to chime in on the negative, but even if it seems unimaginable now, your marriage is on shakey ground. If it didn't change on your honeymoon I can't imagine there will be a lasting change under any circumstances. 

Based on what you said I gather it won't make a difference. I know I wouldn't have for me because in my mind I was thining "our relationship is different". But before you have a kid, make a conscious decision and then be prepared to live with it.

Given the extreme differences in your interest in sex I am going to disagree with most here and say I don't think the porn matters one way or the other.Particulary if the decline happens first and the porn followed. The only thing worse than her disapproving of your use of porn would be for her to say go ahead. And if you guys fight about sex enough, at some point she will likely say that.

Maybe your commitment and love to her to still reflected to a degree in her return of non-sexual affection. I think it is very likely that with a kid or two, and a year to so down the road, that will dry up too.

I do find it interesting, since I was in a similar situation, about the bizarre disconnect between the thought of wanting a child and having sex. It is a sign of just how little she actually thinks about sex.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There a more than a few sexless threads on TAM. John, BostonBruinFan, neuklas, Bagdon. There is a lot to learn.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

The lack of sex in the marriage is not the only thing wrong.

Usually when sex is lacking it is a symptom of many things being wrong.

I am also a firm believer that when sex dries up in a marriage the possibillity that the Refuser is engaging in an affair should always discreetly be examined.

Given that you are away a fair bit do you think she might be seeing someone on the side? 

That said she might not be but dont be of the opoinion my wife would never do that to me. Plenty here including myself have found out otherwise.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Sports Fan said:


> The lack of sex in the marriage is not the only thing wrong.
> 
> Usually when sex is lacking it is a symptom of many things being wrong.
> .


Is there any reason to think it might just as likely be the other way around?


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