# Looking for advice



## Mary Mayo (May 14, 2019)

I’m a 50 year old woman whose battling reconciliation. I’ve recently found out that my husband of 8 years was having several affairs. He is 60 years old and the women he was seeing were all under 35. One affair specifically resulted in a illegitimate child that he hid for 4 years. I found out because he was with the woman at the time.She took his phone and called me to let me know about their relationship AND the child. She had pictures of them on several occasions with HIS and HER family. As well as proof that the child was his. He was living a double life. At this time and afterwards, did I find out about all the other women. If she would not have called me, I’m not sure how much longer this would have went on. He has several businesses out of town and this is where the affairs took place. It’s been two years since this happened. We’ve been going through a divorce but recently he wants to make our marriage work. I do love him and I think about making our relationship work. I’m a religious woman and believe in our vows that we both took. My problem is, I am so hurt and feel betrayed by him and his family. I can’t trust him and ask myself can I really deal with the child that has come from all this. We don’t have children together but all my children( who are all grown) are not too fond of us reconciling. We’ve recently gone to mediation to try to make things work. One of his wishes were for me to move out of state with him, where his businesses are and where the affairs took place. My mind is made up, and I honestly can’t allow myself to be apart of that but, I would love to hear other people’s opinions about the situation. My question is: If you were in my shoes, would you stay or go and why?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Mary Mayo what is it about this man that you love? What is it about him that at 60 he's able to attract <35 year old women like hot cakes? Is he Rich?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Go find yourself a real man. This one is a disgusting, lying, cheating slimeball. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM!!!!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I can't imagine ever staying with someone who cheated that much and hid a child from me for 4 years. He's a complete ******* and you deserve so much better!!!!! 

It's wonderful that you believe in marriage and your vows, but unfortunately, you are married to someone who doesn't. It's impossible for two people to have a healthy relationship when one of them is wearing a mask. He's been wearing one for years. You had NO idea who you were making those vows to so they really don't count in my book. He had no business making vows when he knew he'd be sleeping around and making babies.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. *hugs*


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## Mary Mayo (May 14, 2019)

Hi Lila,
He isn’t rich but he is very well established, own several businesses and lives a very flashy lifestyle.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Mary Mayo said:


> Hi Lila,
> He isn’t rich but he is very well established, own several businesses and lives a very flashy lifestyle.


What is it you hope to do to determine whether the reconciliation has worked or not? If truth is told, your husband will not stop cheating. It will be easier for you to accept that he cheats on you than it is for him to stop. That fact that you love him may actually be what encourages him to carry on. Love is just a decision we make about someone we have met. If it is reciprocated, all well and good, If not then you get into your kind of situation. Yours is a serous issue in that any of us could find ourselves in such a situation. 

Our reactions may be different but the hurt may well be the same. 

I would say you should do whatever you feel inclined to do but you should not think he will at some point stop cheating.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

Did you make vows that you would remain married and faithful while he acted like a husband with other women?

Your marriage covenant has been made void by the fact that it was not kept by your husband.

All you have left is to do the legal things so the government recognizes the marriage no longer exists.

Don't move to another state. Listen to your children who love you and will always be there for you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mary Mayo said:


> I can’t trust him and ask myself can I really deal with the child that has come from all this.


There's no good reason why you should trust him, unless he earns your trust again by being completely open and forthright about all his future activities.

I, for one, could not deal with the extraneous child. It is a good question to ask yourself, indeed.

I recommend you go. You have every right to end your marriage, and I think you'll be happier if you do.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I don’t understand how you love a man who lies to your face. 

A man who has no respect for you. 

A man who cheats and has unprotected sex with young women. 

A man who has illegitimate children and thus isn’t a good father to them. 

Where is your love and respect for yourself? Religion and vows? He threw the vows away long ago. 

It’s not like you two were young virgins who have now shared decades of life together before he had one drunken slip up. 

In the grand scheme of things your marriage has been brief and the majority of it has been a sham. 

Boy your husband has quite a deal. Dedicated wife while he enjoys sex with a variety of girlfriends. 

I simplify can’t imagine why you would want to stay with him. 

Love is an action not a word. He has demonstrated a real lack of love or compassion for you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: Looking for Opinions*

No... no... no... take your time here.

Whatever his reasons for reconciliation are I would not invite that suffering back into my life.

Love isn't perfect and mistakes are made... but a mistake repeated is a choice.

Time to leave that which hurts you...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Looking for Opinions*



Mary Mayo said:


> I’m a 50 year old woman whose battling reconciliation. I’ve recently found out that my husband of 8 years was having several affairs. He is 60 years old and the women he was seeing were all under 35. One affair specifically resulted in a illegitimate child that he hid for 4 years. I found out because he was with the woman at the time.She took his phone and called me to let me know about their relationship AND the child. She had pictures of them on several occasions with HIS and HER family. As well as proof that the child was his. He was living a double life. At this time and afterwards, did I find out about all the other women. If she would not have called me, I’m not sure how much longer this would have went on. He has several businesses out of town and this is where the affairs took place. It’s been two years since this happened. We’ve been going through a divorce but recently he wants to make our marriage work. I do love him and I think about making our relationship work. I’m a religious woman and believe in our vows that we both took. My problem is, I am so hurt and feel betrayed by him and his family. I can’t trust him and ask myself can I really deal with the child that has come from all this. We don’t have children together but all my children( who are all grown) are not too fond of us reconciling. We’ve recently gone to mediation to try to make things work. One of his wishes were for me to move out of state with him, where his businesses are and where the affairs took place. My mind is made up, and I honestly can’t allow myself to be apart of that but, I would love to hear other people’s opinions about the situation. My question is: If you were in my shoes, would you stay or go and why?


When you say religious, not sure if you mean a Christian, but God has always treated adultery very seriously and divorce for adultery is absolutely permitted. The affairs destroy the marriage covenant, the divorce makes it legal. You meant your vows but he has broken his countless times. I
have no idea how you could trust a word he says, he has cheated many times, lied, deceived you and treated you appallingly. He is a man with no character, decency, integrity or moral values. Let the divorce end the marriage and listen to your children. 
As for him wanting you to move to be near him, what a cheek. Stay near your family and friends and move on, unless you want more lies, more cheating and more pain.


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

Hi I'm so sorry to hear your story ! I wish I could give you some advice . But i send my prayers .


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Should I go through with it?*

Dump his cheating ass YESTERDAY. Same advise I gave before. Dont you think you deserve better than a cheating piece of crap for a husband??


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Looking for Opinions*

Worthless cheater, divorce him asap!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: Looking for Opinions*

Being religious shouldn't make anyone dumb. 

Trying to have a healthy marriage with someone like that would be dumb.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Should I go through with it?*



Mary Mayo said:


> Looking for advice
> I’m a 50 year old woman whose battling reconciliation. I’ve recently found out that my husband of 8 years was having several affairs. He is 60 years old and the women he was seeing were all under 35. One affair specifically resulted in a illegitimate child that he hid for 4 years. I found out because he was with the woman at the time.She took his phone and called me to let me know about their relationship AND the child. She had pictures of them on several occasions with HIS and HER family. As well as proof that the child was his. He was living a double life. At this time and afterwards, did I find out about all the other women. If she would not have called me, I’m not sure how much longer this would have went on. He has several businesses out of town and this is where the affairs took place. It’s been two years since this happened. We’ve been going through a divorce but recently he wants to make our marriage work. I do love him and I think about making our relationship work. I’m a religious woman and believe in our vows that we both took. My problem is, I am so hurt and feel betrayed by him and his family. I can’t trust him and ask myself can I really deal with the child that has come from all this. We don’t have children together but all my children( who are all grown) are not too fond of us reconciling. We’ve recently gone to mediation to try to make things work. One of his wishes were for me to move out of state with him, where his businesses are and where the affairs took place. My mind is made up, and I honestly can’t allow myself to be apart of that but, I would love to hear other people’s opinions about the situation. My question is: If you were in my shoes, would you stay or go and why?


I would go. Be aware in the old testament you husband would be stoned to death. You didn't get a choice to stay with him, he would just be put to death. So you have no obligation just because he gets to live that you have to stay with him. 

Bottom line is you deserve better, being alone would be better. Hire a shark lawyer and take him to the cleaners. Like it says Shake the dirt from your shoes.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

*Re: Should I go through with it?*

Putting everything else aside, if you can't see moving to where ever his businesses are located then I don't see much point to reconciliation. The parameters that caused him to seek an affair in the first place won't have changed and the chances of him having more affairs because you don't know what he's doing when he's away, are too great. Distance is not a virtue, in any sense, in a marriage.

I assume there are reasons why he can't sell his businesses in the remote locations and start one within a reasonable distance of your domicile so he would be home, and/or available all the time. Otherwise one of you would have suggested it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

*Re: Should I go through with it?*



Mary Mayo said:


> Looking for advice
> I’m a 50 year old woman whose battling reconciliation. I’ve recently found out that my husband of 8 years was having several affairs. He is 60 years old and the women he was seeing were all under 35. One affair specifically resulted in a illegitimate child that he hid for 4 years. I found out because he was with the woman at the time.She took his phone and called me to let me know about their relationship AND the child. She had pictures of them on several occasions with HIS and HER family. As well as proof that the child was his. He was living a double life. At this time and afterwards, did I find out about all the other women. If she would not have called me, I’m not sure how much longer this would have went on. He has several businesses out of town and this is where the affairs took place. It’s been two years since this happened. We’ve been going through a divorce but recently he wants to make our marriage work. I do love him and I think about making our relationship work. I’m a religious woman and believe in our vows that we both took. My problem is, I am so hurt and feel betrayed by him and his family. I can’t trust him and ask myself can I really deal with the child that has come from all this. We don’t have children together but all my children( who are all grown) are not too fond of us reconciling. We’ve recently gone to mediation to try to make things work. One of his wishes were for me to move out of state with him, where his businesses are and where the affairs took place. My mind is made up, and I honestly can’t allow myself to be apart of that but, I would love to hear other people’s opinions about the situation. My question is: If you were in my shoes, would you stay or go and why?


If you stayed his behavior won't change. Your 2 years into a divorce process and now he "wants" to work on the marriage? It looks on the surface that's he's trying to do damage control from the financial hit much more than wanting to stay married. His wanting you to move to where the affairs happened and being closer to his illegitimate child almost seems like rubbing salt into the wound for you. 

His family knowing the was going on and leaving you completely in the dark is completely disrepectful. It's time to cut your losses and divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Looking for Opinions*

Your husband doesn't deserve you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Looking for Opinions*

If you take him back you will only prove to him that he can do absolutely the worst things possible to you and get away with it. You will only get more of the same treatment
down the road despite whatever it is he is telling you now.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Should I go through with it?*

Do you hate yourself so much that you would even consider staying ?


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

I can’t believe what I just read; multiple affairs AND an illegitimate child? After being stunned by that, there’s also photos of them with HIS family? He cared enough about her to introduce her to his family - and what kind of decent family would be OK with that? How can you ever forgive the extent of all these betrayals? 

Lose that POS. I’m so dumbfounded right now I don’t even know what else to say. Unreal.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Should I go through with it?*

Leave.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

*Re: Should I go through with it?*

Why would you want to reconcile? What are the pros and cons in your situation?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: Looking for Opinions*

Sorry Mary Mayo, he will never change. you would uproot yourself from what you know and the support you have and he would have the wife at home and the young chicks on the side. Please divorce this useless man ASAP and take him to the cleaners. You deserve to live the latter half of your life in peace. Listen to your familly. Go see a lawyer and file.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

*Re: Looking for Opinions*

Because you ARE religious you need to divorce this man who broke the marriage covenant multiple times!

If God created us to be free, why would you feel the need to stay married and trapped in this marriage you WS desrespected so terribly?


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Personally I wouldn't move out of state seems like a scheme to kick the can sort of speak. If I was in your shoes I would wait six months that way you can think clearly then decide from there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you moved to where is businesses are, would you be moving away from your children, your extended family, and your friends? Moving away from everything in your life such that you have no one but him would only give him the power to cheat and abuse you even more. You would be at his mercy. 

I use the word "abuse" because what he has done is a form of horrid emotional abuse. This I know because I've been though this, without the affair-child.

And add to it all the disrespect towards you from his family. They will rubber stamp anything this man does. 

You say that you love him. I think you love the potential of who he could be, who you thought he was. But you have now found out that the man you thought you were married to does not exist. Someone here said he was wearing a mask. That's a good analogy. Now that the mask is off, you have found out that you are not married to the man you thought you were. Instead you are married to a man hiding behind a mask. Take your love, it belongs to you, and save it for someone who is deserving.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Mary Mayo

I merged your threads as you will get better input with one thread.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

When I was a little more than half your age, I used the three strike rule. Then I grew up and realized you might get one more chance. Three, nope. With a kid, not even one. 

That's why you are "battling" instead of "working" reconciliation. Once is a mistake, a choice, but a mistake. Twice is a habit and three times with a kid is normal. His normal behavior is to cheat. You know what to do and age doesn't matter.


Stay where you are comfortable. Do not uproot yourself to be chelates on a fourth time.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I'm sorry, OP, but love just isn't enough.

Please consider why, 2 years out in this process, he now wants to work things out. Is he doing it out of love for you or does he not want to lose his flashy lifestyle?

Vows don't mean much in a marriage when only one person means them.

He's had _several_ affairs. Several. Were you intimate in that time? Do you know what kind of diseases he could have picked up from them? Are you willing to deal with the OC (other child) for the rest of your life with him?

Not to mention him wanting you to move with him to where the affairs took place. Does he even realize what he's asking? If that's not inconsiderate enough, I don't know what is.

I encourage you, OP, to sit down and write down the pros/benefits for you in staying with him. His _family_ knew about it and seemed completely fine with it. Are you really okay with having a family like that? 

"I love him" isn't going to cut it. He needs some serious therapy and introspection if he wants to work it out with you.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

The saddest thread I read so far


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

..... 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

stefanjames said:


> Give him ONE LAST CHANCE, if hes worth keeping and fighting for. If that decision is good then do all the work if you still love him and you still see that theres a chance to let him love you again.
> 
> Most women think they can earn a man’s appreciation by doing lots of things for him and I think thats the one reason his love fade away in your relationship&#55357;&#56468;
> They’ve got it backwards.
> ...



You got to be kidding me. Give him a chance to cheat on her again and mentally and emotionally abuse her for the rest of her life. The fact that she is even considering reconciliation is more than enough 'appreciation.' Incidentally, you posted the same drivel on another person's thread verbatim.


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