# Is my husband cheating or am I just paranoid?



## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

I never thought I’d find myself posting in a site like this, at least not for a reason like this.

I need some outside perspective. I’ve started to wonder if my husband might be cheating on me. I’ve had a bad feeling for a while but told myself it was just me being paranoid. As more time goes on I can’t shake the feeling. I’ve asked him about it but of course he denies it.

My hubby and I have been together since we were teenagers. We were each other’s first everythings. We broke up a few times as teens but always got back together. We got married in our early 20s and had our first baby several years later. Everything seemed perfect. When our daughter was 5 years old I got pregnant again. We were blessed with triplets, conceived naturally. It was a shock to say the least. Two boys and 1 girl. It was a complicated pregnancy, which eventually led me to have to quit my job and be on bedrest. The triplets were born at 30 weeks and spent 2 months in hospital. It was the most stressful, exhausting time of my life, that was until they were allowed to come home and the stress and exhaustion doubled. They are 18 months now.

It was during my pregnancy that he started to change. I figured it was just the stress and everything would right itself eventually. He started making comments about the triplets not being his children. Neither of us have multiples in our families at all. I thought he was just joking but after a while it became obvious to me that he was genuinely accusing me of possibly being with somebody else. I wasn’t, but even true the fathers genetics have nothing to do with conceiving multiples.

He seems disconnected with us here at home. He was a great father to our first child but he does the bare minimum for the triplets. He seems distracted all the time. He is always on his phone and won’t ever let me see it or use it. He is frequently gone late hours after work and claims it’s because somebody has to provide for our family. The thing is, his job is not the type where you put in overtime hours. He gets paid a salary so working 5 extra hours 3 nights a week isn’t going to earn him anything additional. When I bring it up he tries to make me feel stupid, like I can’t understand. I just can’t think of any other reason why he’d be gone for hours after he should be home several days a week. If there was any honest explanation beyond work why wouldn’t he tell me?

I think he’s suddenly regretting family life and settling down without exploring his options. I’m terrified he’s going to just spring it on me that he’s leaving me for somebody else.

Do I sound crazy? What other things should I watch out of that might indicate my suspicions are true?


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Do you and your husband share a cell phone plan? If you do you should be able to go online and look at your bill and see what numbers he's calling or receiving calls and texts from. Look at his phone if you can while hes not a around. Don't worry about "invading his privacy." The only privacy you're entitled to while married is being able to go the bathroom in peace. Look at your financials as well, where he is he spending money and how often is he doing it. You can also get a VAR(voice activated recorder) and hide it in his car or place he talks on the phone a lot. It does sound like something is going on with him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Don’t wait for him to “spring it on you.” You have four children, you need to start getting yourself ready. Do you have family nearby you can rely on? Do you have your own bank account? A credit card in your name? I’m not suggesting hiding money, I’m talking about building your own credit history in case you need to borrow money or rent an apartment or set up utilities. Research daycare centers close by, maybe get on some waiting lists. Start arranging things just in case. If he notices, tell him why.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

"He started making comments about the triplets not being his children."

First thing is to prove to him that you did not cheat on him. Get a DNA paternity test done ASAP. 

Hubby stating that he doesn't think the triplets are his children might reflect on him being a cheater and projecting that on you.

Having an instant large family can be a shock. Your hubby needs to really decide if he can commit to being a good husband and father. If he thinks he can't, then he needs to own up to this and walk away while also knowing that he'll be paying you child support.

In the mean time you need to start moving towards being independent financially. Don't wait for the shoe to drop.

JMHO.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Do you and your husband share a cell phone plan? If you do you should be able to go online and look at your bill and see what numbers he's calling or receiving calls and texts from. Look at his phone if you can while hes not a around. Don't worry about "invading his privacy." The only privacy you're entitled to while married is being able to go the bathroom in peace. Look at your financials as well, where he is he spending money and how often is he doing it. You can also get a VAR(voice activated recorder) and hide it in his car or place he talks on the phone a lot. It does sound like something is going on with him.


We share a cell phone plan but he has the login info. I thought I knew the password but I can’t get into the account anymore. He had his own bank account so I don’t know how I’ll access that. We have a shared account but nothing looks weird on that one. Lately he has been stressed about money. Our family costs a lot but it’s like we were managing fine until the past few months where for some reason he’s started to claim all of the money is very tight but I can’t figure out where all this supposed extra cost is coming from.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Don’t wait for him to “spring it on you.” You have four children, you need to start getting yourself ready. Do you have family nearby you can rely on? Do you have your own bank account? A credit card in your name? I’m not suggesting hiding money, I’m talking about building your own credit history in case you need to borrow money or rent an apartment or set up utilities. Research daycare centers close by, maybe get on some waiting lists. Start arranging things just in case. If he notices, tell him why.


I have family nearby. I haven’t told them about my suspicions because I don’t want them to view or treat him a certain way since I don’t know what’s really goi

I have a bank account but the balance is literally zero. I haven’t worked in nearly 2 years so everything in my bank account was spent awhile ago. I have credit cards in my name but they are almost all maxed. It all sounds really terrible. We weren’t prepared for me to not work. After the triplets came home they still needed specialized care and it was most cost effective for me to stay home instead of hiring somebody to care for them. We have considered me staying at home to care for them until they can enter preschool; however, I’ve mentioned several times about me maybe needing to get a job sooner and each time I suggest it my husband will say things like “No no no that’s not what you want to do.” It will take me a while to be able to save up any money on my own.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

ah_sorandy said:


> "He started making comments about the triplets not being his children."
> 
> First thing is to prove to him that you did not cheat on him. Get a DNA paternity test done ASAP.
> 
> ...


I suggested he order paternity tests and pay for them himself if he’s so worried, since I’ve nothing to hide. It used to just annoy me quite a bit but when I piece it together with other things I start to think it may be projection. He claims he’s only joking, but why bring it up again and again?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Whatever he may be he sounds like a **** father


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Trust your gut.
Start paying closer attention. Put a tracker on his car. Like now!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BelleShelle said:


> I have family nearby. I haven’t told them about my suspicions because I don’t want them to view or treat him a certain way since I don’t know what’s really goi
> 
> I have a bank account but the balance is literally zero. I haven’t worked in nearly 2 years so everything in my bank account was spent awhile ago. I have credit cards in my name but they are almost all maxed. It all sounds really terrible. We weren’t prepared for me to not work. After the triplets came home they still needed specialized care and it was most cost effective for me to stay home instead of hiring somebody to care for them. We have considered me staying at home to care for them until they can enter preschool; however, I’ve mentioned several times about me maybe needing to get a job sooner and each time I suggest it my husband will say things like “No no no that’s not what you want to do.” It will take me a while to be able to save up any money on my own.


Its hard to know how you working would make money. With the cost of childcare for three children you would need to be in a very high paid job to make it worthwhile. Even once they are at school you have the long holidays and when one or more of them are ill. When my three were small I had long spells of not having a single week where they were all well and in school. There is no way I could have worked full time.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> I have family nearby. I haven’t told them about my suspicions because I don’t want them to view or treat him a certain way since I don’t know what’s really goi
> 
> I have a bank account but the balance is literally zero. I haven’t worked in nearly 2 years so everything in my bank account was spent awhile ago. I have credit cards in my name but they are almost all maxed. It all sounds really terrible. We weren’t prepared for me to not work. After the triplets came home they still needed specialized care and it was most cost effective for me to stay home instead of hiring somebody to care for them. We have considered me staying at home to care for them until they can enter preschool; however, I’ve mentioned several times about me maybe needing to get a job sooner and each time I suggest it my husband will say things like “No no no that’s not what you want to do.” It will take me a while to be able to save up any money on my own.


I have a friend with triplets (2 friends actually) and it’s going to be near impossible for you to work. It’s really more about you having a credit history.

I hear you about your family. Maybe it’s time for a tough conversation with your husband. If he’s planning to leave, you need to prepare. You’re not in a position, with four children, for him to just disappear. He needs to tell you what’s going on.

If he wants a DNA test, I mean, do what you think is best, but I’d tell him he can have his divorce attorney ask the family court judge and then you’ll do it, because an accusation like that would be the end for me.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

I don’t have any qualifications for a high paying career field. I cannot go back to the field I used to work in because the jobs aren’t often flexible. I’ve considered a part-time job that would include a combinations of days and time where family may be able to provide care for a short time and when my husband would _should_ be home such as evenings and weekends. My parents can care for the triplets but for short periods of time. It is a lot of work with 3 of them at this stage they’re in. I’m already exhausted round the clock and adding a job outside the home wouldn’t be ideal. I don’t know what else to do.

I’ve tried talking to him about my worries. I don’t know if it sounds strange or not but it took a while for me to be able to ask him about it. I felt a bit ridiculous and still do to an extent. His behavior had been odd but it’s still hard for me to imagine him cheating or having an affair. When I’ve tried to ask him about it he gets defensive, denies, gets mad, and shuts the conversation down.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Whatever he may be he sounds like a **** father


He was a great father when our older daughter was born. He was so happy and everything seemed wonderful. He never said outright that he didn’t want to have the trips but he was never over the moon about it like I was. I think he resents me but he claims I’m being absolutely ridiculous.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> I have family nearby. I haven’t told them about my suspicions because I don’t want them to view or treat him a certain way since I don’t know what’s really goi


This is actually very wise of you. Since you have no solid evidence currently, You want your family all on-board as one cohesive unit and if they have reason to believe his is mistreating you, they can alienate him or even intentionally sabotage your relationship with him and make things even worse. 

Families can make or break relationships by how much they accept your partner. Until you actually know that he is cheating or leaving, do not do anything that will turn them against him. 

Even if infidelity is found to be the case, there are those that advocate not telling your own family if you believe that an honest reconciliation is possible because the BS's family will forever be resentful and undermining. 

But in those circumstances it can be helpful to disclose to the WS's family so the WS cannot write his/her own narative painting the BS as the bad guy and if the WS's family are generally decent and supportive people, they may be able to offer the WS to get their head out of their azz and take care of their family. 

The caveat to that however is when push comes to shove, at the end of the day, people are generally going to support their own flesh and blood.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now as far as whether he is actively engaging with anyone or whether he is just stressed and possibly depressed or just feeling the weight of the world trying to keep all these mouths fed and roof over everyone's head is hard to say with what you have so far. 

From my personal experience, I HATED having babies and young children and it was some of the most stressful and miserable periods of my life. 

Now I know that makes me sound like some kind of monster, but the reality is I was a very good, loving, supportive husband and father in actions and in deed. I was just suffering on the inside. 

I think a lot of men go through this but it just isn't talked about and no one comes out and says it because it makes one look like,,,,,well, an asshole. 

But the truth is most men are not cut out to be doting, over-the-moon fathers and men do not yearn and crave parenthood and having babies and toddlers underfoot like many women do. 

The silver lining here is as the kids grow and develop and start to become more independent and functioning beings, fathers become more appreciative and involved and personally invested. This can take a few years,,, you just have to get through the torture period. But once one score their first goal in pee wee soccer or hits his/her first single and gets on base or catches their first pop-fly, it's a game changer for Dear Ol' Dad. 

cont....


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Don’t know. Usually, that gut feeling you have and the way he responds to your concerns are something that shouldn’t be ignored imo. Not to mention the questioning of paternity, the phone attached to the hip, and changing account passwords only makes it even more sketchy.

Did you ask him why he changed the password? Does he normally do that?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now as far as what to do about it, I agree with the others that say to be vigilant and keep your eyes open and your ears to the ground and at least be prepared financially and legally in order to protect your assets and ability to keep everyone fed. 

It's really not feasible for you to get a job now because as was mentioned earlier, with 4 young kids especially those with special needs, you will never go more than a few days without one or the other of them being sick. It's really not until they are roughly school age and have had the tubes in the ears and all the tonsils and everything out and get their immune systems built up enough that they aren't sick every matter of weeks. 

It's time to not just ask him while he's walking by on his way to get the towel to clean up puke while you are trying to settle down the one that's currently screaming to ask him if there is something going on. 

You need to actually schedule a time to have a serious sit-down, eye-to-eye, heart to heart conversation on how BOTH of you are doing and what BOTH of you need to be united and working together to keep this family functioning. 

This is going to rile up some of the mothers and the feminists here, but what men need to keep going and stay in the game during what is often one of the most miserable times of men's lives, is to remain connected emotionally and physically to the wife. 

I'm sorry that fathers do not transform into additional mothers with penises, but the reality is that fathers remain the same man they were before the arrival of Baby. They still need that love and affection and respect and admiration and desire from their partners that they needed to enter into that marriage in the first place. Men do not transform into additional women and mothers in the house when babies arrive. 

The quickest and surest and most efficient way to turn a husband and father into a miserable, whiney, resentful, man-child that does yearn for his single and carefree days that does have a wandering eye, is to treat him like a incompetent and deficient mother and treat him as incompetent and unimportant and completely disregard and malign his innate need for connection and intimacy with his wife. 

Again, I am sorry that men don't transform into an additional mother in the house that fusses over which laundry pile the towels vs the underwear vs the puke rags go into or sprint to the other room the second he hears a sniffle or a whimper, but fathers are not mothers. 

If you expect a father to be another mother and judge him according to a mother's metric, you will always be disappointed. If you treat a father like a defective mother and lose all respect and acceptance and desire for him, there's going to be problems. 

I need to be clear that I am not saying that people need to be swinging from the chandeliers having wild monkey sex with him the moment he walks in the door, concessions will need to be made on both sides. 

Based on what you have provided thus far, I do not know if he is cheating currently or not. But I can say that for countless men, the period of child rearing with babies and toddlers etc is in reality a miserable and even soul-sucking experience for them. 

Mothers obviously need a lot of support and understanding and the world gets that. But the reality is fathers need support and understanding too but often in this day and age, men and fathers are maligned and disparaged for being defective women and mothers and for having needs of their own. 

He may or may not be cheating, but he is at minimum going through a lot of stress and pressure too and while he may not cry and outwardly complain and express his stress and angst like a woman, that stress and angst and mourning for the loss of simple and carefree times is there. 

It's a challenge for both of you to support each other and work together collaboratively as a team and every team needs huddles and team meetings and the manager to walk out on the pitcher's mound and have status check on how things are going.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> When I’ve tried to ask him about it he gets defensive, denies, gets mad, and shuts the conversation down.


Sadly, this is pretty much an admission of guilt. I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone, but unfortunately while the courts may tell him to pay child support they can’t force him to spend time with or care about his children.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I would sit the selfish guy down and tell him he has two choices:
Either become the man and father the household deserves or
You’ll end the marriage so quickly his head will spin!
He KNOWS how to do this role well - it’s been his choice not to do it well this time! So you just tell him if he’s not on board right away - the ship is sailing without him!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> He was a great father when our older daughter was born. He was so happy and everything seemed wonderful. He never said outright that he didn’t want to have the trips but he was never over the moon about it like I was. I think he resents me but he claims I’m being absolutely ridiculous.


the fact that he consistently minimizes your feelings is disgusting!
Call him out on completely disrespecting you!!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rule of Thumb #1: If you have to ASK others if your spouse is cheating, he likely is.

*



I think he’s suddenly regretting family life and settling down without exploring his options. I’m terrified he’s going to just spring it on me that he’s leaving me for somebody else.

Click to expand...

*He's disengaged and his attention is now elsewhere. 

I'm going to be being brutally honest here. It sounds like he was okay with one kid and then two - and probably thought that would be the last of them. Then it suddenly became FOUR kids - with 3 of them showing up at once, and I think he just saw that as a huge nail in his coffin. I know I would see it the same exact way if I had been taxed with triplets. One of you had better think about permanent birth control real SOON.

It's doubtful he'll leave because he probably looked up child support for 4 kids (yikes) and possible spousal support as well, and realized he'll have to move into his mommy's house if he wants to leave because he won't be able to afford to live anywhere else. That's why he won't leave you - why should he support your whole household while living in his old bedroom at his mother's house? Not happening. He'll stay right where he is, thanks, and just live his secret life behind your back. Changing his password, hiding his phone, suddenly working all those "late hours" even though he's an Exempt employee. Yeah, he's not shady at all.

I'm actually *laughing* at some of the responses here that he "might be" or "could be" cheating on you. Yes, all men who are SALARIED work extra hours at night to "earn more money" for their large families. And all HONEST men with INTEGRITY change their phone passwords and refuse to let their wives see their phones and protect them and guard them like a watchdog. And all men who have NOTHING TO HIDE have their own private bank accounts their wives can't access and have made the cell phone bill impossible to access because they've changed the password.🙄🙄🙄 

Why, how _*crazy*_ it is for anyone to say he's cheating. 😲

You married a real prince, OP. But trust me, he's not unique - he's as predictable and as transparent as they come. Lots of cheaters will vilify their spouses and be negative about everything their betrayed spouses do because it helps _them_ justify their cheating. In their minds, what they're doing really isn't that bad because _you_ are failing so miserably that they almost "deserve" to do what they're doing. See how that works?

I'd go visit a LAWYER if I were you. Stop allowing yourself to be so disrespected by this piece of ****.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Now as far as whether he is actively engaging with anyone or whether he is just stressed and possibly depressed or just feeling the weight of the world trying to keep all these mouths fed and roof over everyone's head is hard to say with what you have so far.
> 
> From my personal experience, I HATED having babies and young children and it was some of the most stressful and miserable periods of my life.
> 
> ...


I know that he is stressed out and feels the pressure of our suddenly larger than planned family, but I don’t understand why that would result in him coming home from work hours late without any believable explanation and always being in his phone and taking it everywhere with him including I to the shower!

Maybe he just doesn’t come home immediately after work because he doesn’t want to deal with everything going on here and not because he’s off having sex with someone. I’ve even wished that were the case. I still hope it’s the case. Maybe he feels like you’ve described but he just won’t tell me. I don’t think he’d ever be so honest about those feelings if he feels the same way you did about babies and small children.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Spoons027 said:


> Don’t know. Usually, that gut feeling you have and the way he responds to your concerns are something that shouldn’t be ignored imo. Not to mention the questioning of paternity, the phone attached to the hip, and changing account passwords only makes it even more sketchy.
> 
> Did you ask him why he changed the password? Does he normally do that?


I asked him what the username and password was. I really thought I might have just forgot because I never had need to access the account but had on occasion in the past. He said he forgot the password and reset it. I asked him to give me the new password then. He questioned why I needed it and I couldn’t come up with a good excuse on the spot. I’ve suggested that we should probably have the username and passwords for all of our accounts, including credit cards, bank accounts, any additional accounts of any sort just in case something happens to one of us. I was not asking for his info to get into email or social media. I legitimately felt we should each know all of the financial accounts that we have because I’m scared of something happening and not having access. He thinks that’s stupid and refuses.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Refusing is guilt


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> He thinks that’s stupid and refuses.


Oh H*LL no.
You have just as much a right to your shared accounts as he does.

This is highly suspect and shady behavior. Huge red flags.

Your answer on the spot…”because I want them”.
You don’t need a reason.

Go after him girl, he is a liar and very likely a cheater.
He changed the passwords to hide what he was doing.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Yep. That’s pretty darn incriminating for sure. I’m sorry.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> I asked him what the username and password was. I really thought I might have just forgot because I never had need to access the account but had on occasion in the past. He said he forgot the password and reset it. I asked him to give me the new password then. He questioned why I needed it and I couldn’t come up with a good excuse on the spot. I’ve suggested that we should probably have the username and passwords for all of our accounts, including credit cards, bank accounts, any additional accounts of any sort just in case something happens to one of us. I was not asking for his info to get into email or social media. I legitimately felt we should each know all of the financial accounts that we have because I’m scared of something happening and not having access. He thinks that’s stupid and refuses.


Let me put it this way - he is not trying to hide good news.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Now as far as what to do about it, I agree with the others that say to be vigilant and keep your eyes open and your ears to the ground and at least be prepared financially and legally in order to protect your assets and ability to keep everyone fed.
> 
> It's really not feasible for you to get a job now because as was mentioned earlier, with 4 young kids especially those with special needs, you will never go more than a few days without one or the other of them being sick. It's really not until they are roughly school age and have had the tubes in the ears and all the tonsils and everything out and get their immune systems built up enough that they aren't sick every matter of weeks.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your honesty. I will try to take the advice to have a sit down, adults only conversation with him. Easier said than done around this house and with the limited amount of time he seems to be here anymore but I will try.

Some of this was brutal to read. Do you really think most men find having babies and small children to be the most miserable time of their lives?

I don’t think I’ve ever expected my husband to turn into another mother or a woman. I know men and women are different. I expected him to be a good, present, and involved father and husband.

Of course with 3 babies and another small child our lives completely changed and there really is rarely any time where it’s just the two of us without a little one present. I enjoy sex and while we used to have what I thought was a fairly active and enjoyable sex life, even after our first daughter, it changed dramatically once I got pregnant with the triplets. From the time we find out we were expecting 3, sex stopped for the remainder of the pregnancy because I was scared of something bad happening. I still tried to give him attention and affection and things like oral sex. Then once they were born everything became about caring for them and there were times when doctors didn’t know if all 3 would survive so there was no sex or intimacy of any kind for several additional months. After they came home I was so tired all of the time (we both were) that any time not spent feeding or changing or calming a screaming baby was sent sleeping. I even used the restroom and showered while holding a baby most of the times or those things would almost never have happened.

I got used to the chaos. I’m still totally run down every day but I have routines and methods and have found ways to manages during the day all by myself most days. It’s like when you start training for a marathon and at first it seems impossible that you’ll even be able to reach the finish line but with enough training your reaching the finish line and beating your time record each time.

Sex was able to start again but it’s not the same. i try to make myself available and I do initiate it. I want it and he seems to be less interested these days. He’s tired or he doesn’t feel like having a quicky in the 5 minutes we might actually have time. Again, total opposite of the guy I married.


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## pk1at (7 mo ago)

BelleShelle said:


> I appreciate your honesty. I will try to take the advice to have a sit down, adults only conversation with him. Easier said than done around this house and with the limited amount of time he seems to be here anymore but I will try.
> 
> Some of this was brutal to read. Do you really think most men find having babies and small children to be the most miserable time of their lives?
> 
> ...


Things must be really tough with 3 babies. I feel your husband will come around when the kids are 3-5 years older. I understand each family is different but life in families with 3+ kids becomes much easier when the oldest one gets somewhat mature. The younger kids tend to follow their older sibling and the older ones tend to parent. So hang in there, have a mature conversation etc. but don't give up


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> I know that he is stressed out and feels the pressure of our suddenly larger than planned family, but I don’t understand why that would result in him coming home from work hours late without any believable explanation and always being in his phone and taking it everywhere with him including I to the shower!
> 
> Maybe he just doesn’t come home immediately after work because he doesn’t want to deal with everything going on here and not because he’s off having sex with someone. I’ve even wished that were the case. I still hope it’s the case. Maybe he feels like you’ve described but he just won’t tell me. I don’t think he’d ever be so honest about those feelings if he feels the same way you did about babies and small children.


yep, all typical behaviors of someone who is definitely cheating!!!

fwiw - people don’t stay hours after work when they don’t get extra money! Find out where he’s going after hours!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

After reading the whole thread…..
Yep, he’s a cheater. 
evidence:
1. You think he is. Gut is right 99.9%
2 phone guarding. Ask for the password and by all means wait until you have papers in hand at the ready when he says no. Give them, abd mean it.
3. Acceding you of cheating. Dead giveaway he’s deflecting
4 won’t give password to phone records. Guilty as hell
5 hours late for work several days a week??
Heck just load up the kids and go to his job and find him!

I suggest a GPS tracker and VAR under the seat of his car. Get the truth and act on it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If anyone in my home came home 3-5 hours late even once a week - I’d be finding out why and who he’s with in the first week!

it’s NOT ok that he is completely disrespecting and disregarding you!

Tell him - he’s not acting like a husband - and since he isn’t you plan to divorce him asap!

even IF he isn’t (which I think he is) he sure as heck isn’t being a decent husband and father!!!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Tell him it’s Test Time. You’re going to take a DNA test, and he’s going to take a polygraph. “What days are good for you?”


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

It’s past 2 am and I can’t sleep. He got home about an hour late today. I tried to initiate sex later in bed and he said no because he had too much to drink. I just wanted to feel like he loved me. He didn’t seem drunk to me. I was really hoping that people would tell me I was probably being overly worried but now I’m beginning to feel like I’ve probably buried my head in the sand for way too long. 

I’ve thought about going to his place of work when he’s supposed to get off and seeing what’s really going on but then I convince myself I’m just being way too dramatic. I have a mind to go do it this week now. I feel absolutely sick.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Wait, you have this much evidence that he’s cheating and you decide to reward his horrible behavior by initiating sex? NO!

Why didn’t you ask him why the hell he is going for drinks when he has a family at home that needs him?

start asking the tough tough questions! Demand answers! If he won’t - divorce the scumbag!


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

I’m sorry this is happening to you, having triplets is a rare gift (I have twins) and your H should have seen it that way.

You don’t have formal proof, just *lots* of red flags. Marriage is a commitment of making a life together and you should have access to all accounts and financials, you are not just a baby sitter.

He says money is tight. Well then, *demand* access to all bank accounts, bills (including phone bills) right there next time you talk to him. If he refuses, then you don’t have a marriage (whether he is cheating or not). If he asks why, it’s because you are his spouse.

This is not the Middle Ages where women had no rights and were there to make babies.

As a spouse, you are entitled to half of his salary ( and half the bills too). He cannot make you dependent on his good will money wise. You are not his employee or slave.

If he refuses to give you access to all you are *entitled to know* as a spouse, then start the D process ( ask your family for initial financial support).

It is up to you to demand what you deserve as a spouse, and take action if your spouse is not behaving like one. It might hurt, but you will be a much happier person in the long run. And your children deserve a happy mother, and a role model of a person who stand out for herself in a relationship.

If he relentand give access to all accounts, then you’ll be in a better position to figure out what is happening.

stay strong


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I think he turned you down because he had sex earlier😕


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Go to his place of work. You deserve to know


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Wait, you have this much evidence that he’s cheating and you decide to reward his horrible behavior by initiating sex? NO!
> 
> Why didn’t you ask him why the hell he is going for drinks when he has a family at home that needs him?
> 
> start asking the tough tough questions! Demand answers! If he won’t - divorce the scumbag!


Yeah and I know it was probably pathetic now but I just wanted him to love me. I suppose it was a test of sorts too.

I don’t think he really went for drinks, at least not with male work mates.

Im scared of divorce.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Go to his place of work. You deserve to know


I think I will but have to arrange for somebody to kind the kids at that time. It’s a pain loading them all up in the car and it feels kinda scummy to take them along to spy on their dad.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

don't do it yourself, have someone trusted do it - friend, sibling, cousin, someone else. You wouldn't want him to see your car anyway.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

BelleShelle said:


> Im scared of divorce.


surround yourself with friends and family.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Triplets? Man, I'd be out the second floor window.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Looks seriously like cheating.
But, even still, IF it’s not - he’s been ignoring your needs and his kids needs at home! And that alone is reason to leave him. You need help at home. If he’s not going to participate - at least you’ll understand you don’t have someone living with you that’s expected to help.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> don't do it yourself, have someone trusted do it - friend, sibling, cousin, someone else. You wouldn't want him to see your car anyway.



I didn’t think of that but I want to see it with my own eyes or I won’t be able to believe it.




UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Triplets? Man, I'd be out the second floor window.


I can understand this sentiment, but when I found out I was pregnant with triplets it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Conceiving triplets unassisted by fertility treatments and in a family with no history of multiples is so incredibly rare that I might as well have been directly touched by the hand of God and that still wouldn’t have been as big of a deal as having 3 babies growing inside of me at once. The only thing that would have been more incredible would have been if they were identical, which almost never happens. I was deliriously happy and I walked around floating on clouds for the first few weeks until I got so lightheaded I fainted one day and the hospital staff told me I had to eat between 4000 to 5000 calories a day to keep fainting from becoming a regular problem that I realized this wasn’t going to be an easy pregnancy, an easy birth, or an easy time raising and providing for 3 babies. There have been trying times and sometimes I wonder how I haven’t gone completely bald from ripping all of my hair out but I genuinely am in love with my life now, except for my husband’s recent behavior. It’s the most happy challenge I never expected.

I assumed my husband felt the same. We never discussed any possibility other than doing whatever we could to bring all 3 babies safely into the world. From the moment I found out, my life became all about being a mum to multiples. I joined groups online, I started reading everything I could, began meticulously planning everything and spending hours just thinking of 3 perfect names. When I wasn’t doing that I was making sure my older daughter felt loved, included, and seen. My hubby may have inadvertently become an afterthought. This is all ever before they were born. I guess I went into full blown mummy mode. When my first daughter was born I was of course totally obsessed with her but it was still easy to do adult things or to pack her up in the pram and go out to eat or visit friends. We had plenty of quiet time because she was the easiest baby in the world and we both would talk about how the parenthood thing wasn’t as hard as everyone said.

I wonder if I’ve caused him to be the way he is now. I thought I had made time for him. He never told me he didn’t want the triplets, but I can’t imagine he’d ever admit that to me anyway. I never asked.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Please stop making excuses for his completely inadequate behavior.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

Your husband is not a child. You don’t need to take care of him. His role and responsibilities is to help you raise your 4 children the best he can.

Raising multiples is incredibly hard when they are babies. I remember sleeping with my head on my desk at lunch time while my coworker would keep an eye out… I probably had QWERTY printed in my forehead lol.

When they grow out of their diapers and make their nights, they will be a blast. Do you have multiple association in your area?


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

So far so good said:


> Your husband is not a child. You don’t need to take care of him. His role and responsibilities is to help you raise your 4 children the best he can.
> 
> Raising multiples is incredibly hard when they are babies. I remember sleeping with my head on my desk at lunch time while my coworker would keep an eye out… I probably had QWERTY printed in my forehead lol.
> 
> When they grow out of their diapers and make their nights, they will be a blast. Do you have multiple association in your area?


I know he doesn’t need me to take care of him but if anything that that other person said could be true, about him not feeling like he’s getting any attention or affection from me then maybe I’m to blame. I thought I did the best I could as far as that goes but know I’m focused on the children the majority of the time.

You mean it gets better when you’re not spending your entire day in a constant poo and pee changing rotation? As soon as you’ve just cleaned the third one up the first one has already gone again 😵‍💫 I don’t know how anyone could handle this and go to a full time job during the day. Luckily they all sleep through the night for the most part but they’re no longer interested in naps.

We have a multiples association that had stopped accepting new memberships during the pandemic. They’re accepting new members now but they’ve had no meetings or events since reopening that I can tell. I’m part of a few online groups that I’ve found great support in. Meetups are more difficult as it takes me about two hours in total to get out the door if I have to get them in the car and drive any sort of distance outside our town.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Last night everything seemed normal at home. He got home when he was supposed to and even brought takeaway so I didn’t have to cook dinner. I decided to ask him about everything that’s bothering me while things seemed even and calm. He insisted he’s not seeing someone else, but that he doesn’t want to come right home from work and immediately have to change nappies, deal with screaming babies, or clean messes. He wants to just be able to come home and relax or do what he wants to do but he feels guilty if he does that. Somehow in his head he doesn’t feel guilty just not coming home for a few hours and leaving me alone with 4 children for 13 hours.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Please, please, please…..,..,

if ever there was a woman that makes excuses and let’s a person walk all over them, it’s you. You have a problem with being insecure and in spite of the fact that you’re basically raising 4 children alone—— you’re scared to be alone!

your husband lies. Anything a liar says can’t be trusted. What can be trusted is that he is lying.

I have three kids. Not triplets. But babies cry, babies are stressful at times. I can be as selfish as the next guy. I’m my work I deal with over 130 kids all day. Never once was I not eager to come home and hold each of my children. I don’t even like dealing with babies but enjoyed holding, rocking, feedingabd burping mine. I admit I hated changing diapers. And I never adored my rotten ex wife more than when she was being a mother to my kids.

something is up with your husband. Stop asking him and take an actual step toward getting the truth.

stop being too afraid to see the truth.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

You’re right. I am scared of the truth.

I don’t believe what he’s told me. I do believe that he doesn’t want to be here, that much is obvious. I don’t believe that it’s the whole story. He had an excuse for everything I questioned him about. His reason for not wanting to sit down and go over all of our financial accounts and ensure we both had the login credentials was that he just didn’t feel like doing it when I suggested and I was accusing him of lying and cheating so it was my fault that he became defensive and didn’t want to give me the information that I wanted. 

The person I was several years ago would have already followed him to and from work. I would not be simply sitting at home and crying about it. I don’t know if I’m just so tired that I don’t even have the energy to argue about it or if I’m just far more scared of having to divorce him and be left alone with 4 kids.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are utterly afraid. Afraid that all you think is true and the consequences of having that truth hitting you in the face. 

Whether he's cheating or if he's just not having the balls and manhood to face his obligations, the facts are that he's being a coward, either way, and you are letting him disrespect you because you're afraid. 

Stop with the paralyzing attitude and do something to get the "real" true of the matter. Then proceed as you wish with facts in your hands.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He can’t just be there for the fun times. He says he doesn’t want to come home. That is telling. He’s not a good guy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s the only one who knows what he’s hiding but he’s not going to tell you the truth because it doesn’t benefit him to be honest.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Correction - you have 5 kids - because HE is acting like the biggest baby of them all!

you tell him if he doesn’t kick participating into high gear - he’s out!
Seriously, he’s terrible!!!! Stop being so nice about HIS terrible way he treats you and the kids! He sucks! He needs to be put out asap!


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Well he is participating by working and making the money that supports our family. I can understand working all day and just wanting to be able to come home and relax for a bit, but what does he think I’m going all day? Sitting around watching soaps with my feet up while somebody serves me food and drink at the ring of a bell? Half the time I don’t even have a chance to eat during the day!

It’s after midnight and he’s sound asleep. I’m in another room trying to log into his computer since I think all of his passwords are on there. He didn’t use to even have a password on his computer. I can’t figure it out the password for the life of me and I’m so frustrated I’ve just started crying.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

He was a good person. I’ve known him since I was 14. This isn’t like how he’s ever been before. I just don’t understand it or why he would do something like this to me, whatever it is that he’s doing and lying about and hiding.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

BelleShelle said:


> Well he is participating by working and making the money that supports our family. I can understand working all day and just wanting to be able to come home and relax for a bit, *but what does he think I’m going all day?* Sitting around watching soaps with my feet up while somebody serves me food and drink at the ring of a bell? Half the time I don’t even have a chance to eat during the day!


No Belle, he does not know what you do all day. When a person is out in the world; getting up, dressed, out, long hours dealing with people and bringing home the money; what they want is to be home. All of that is for home, that's why we go and it's where we want to be.
He absolutely is jealous as heck that you stay and he goes. Does he ponder what your day is actually like, nope. 

I do think from what you have posted that your husband is probably cheating. If a person is where they do not want to be for the majority of the time, they may find ways to make such time more tolerable, fun.
When your husband arrives home, there is more work to be done.

You really need to do several things: You must let your husband spend a day or more with the children without you. I know as a mom that this may be difficult but if you want him to know what you do, he must do it himself.

It's not unreasonable for him to need some space when he gets home, let him have that. Organize your time as a stay at home mom that you are not every day needing him to take over when he walks in the door. I'd lose my crap if I couldn't have an hour to decompress when I walked in the front door of home after work.every.day. Save that for when the fan is high, which should be rare.

Get some help. If your are overwhelmed, find resources to help manage and organize these early years, it's a lot and you need to recharge as much, if not more than him.

The overwhelming problem is that your husband is a liar. For that, there isn't much help. Understand that the father of your children is a liar. Make all decisions with that truth.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

He’s been commenting on the instagram posts of one particular woman lately. I spent almost all night awake and trying to spy on whatever activity of his I could actually see, which wasn’t much. I also found a broken earring in this little dish of his miscellaneous things, like stuff he takes out of his pockets. It’s definitely not my earring but I feel like finding another woman’s earring would be just about the most cliche thing that could happen to me.

I feel so ridiculous thinking about buying a GPS tracker or voice activated device. Is this really how most people catch their spouses cheating these days? I’m going to call the phone company today and try to get into our account since he’s blocking me.

I’m praying for anything else right now. Never thought I’d be praying for something like a gambling addiction but I am now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband blocks you out of everything.
That’s CLEARLY wrong, and there’s a reason.

how do you find that reason? However you can. But in reality it doesn’t to matter the reason he treats you like crap, just that he does. So see an attorney.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

BelleShelle said:


> He’s been commenting on the instagram posts of one particular woman lately. I spent almost all night awake and trying to spy on whatever activity of his I could actually see, which wasn’t much. I also found a broken earring in this little dish of his miscellaneous things, like stuff he takes out of his pockets. It’s definitely not my earring but I feel like finding another woman’s earring would be just about the most cliche thing that could happen to me.
> 
> I feel so ridiculous thinking about buying a GPS tracker or voice activated device. Is this really how most people catch their spouses cheating these days? I’m going to call the phone company today and try to get into our account since he’s blocking me.
> 
> I’m praying for anything else right now. Never thought I’d be praying for something like a gambling addiction but I am now.


I am really sorry that you are going through this. 😞 All indicates what many here have said... We want to believe the latter, but deep inside of our gut, it doesn't lie. 

🙏


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> I suggested he order paternity tests and pay for them himself if he’s so worried, since I’ve nothing to hide. It used to just annoy me quite a bit but when I piece it together with other things I start to think it may be projection. He claims he’s only joking, but why bring it up again and again?


You order them and pay for them out of the common account -- that will stop THAT particular line of argument for him, but I suspect it won't stop the way he is acting.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> You order them and pay for them out of the common account -- that will stop THAT particular line of argument for him, but I suspect it won't stop the way he is acting.


I’ve refused to orchestrate paternity testing this far mainly out of principle. If he’s so concerned about it why doesn’t he take the initiative to get them tested? But I have a right mind to do it now. I’m going to give him some straight answers and demand some from him. I’ve just looked it up and found a local company that will send me at home tests for all 3 babies, my husband, and myself for 369 euros.

I called our phone company and they won’t allow me access to our account because I’m not the account holder.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

harperlee said:


> No Belle, he does not know what you do all day. When a person is out in the world; getting up, dressed, out, long hours dealing with people and bringing home the money; what they want is to be home. All of that is for home, that's why we go and it's where we want to be.
> He absolutely is jealous as heck that you stay and he goes. Does he ponder what your day is actually like, nope.
> 
> I do think from what you have posted that your husband is probably cheating. If a person is where they do not want to be for the majority of the time, they may find ways to make such time more tolerable, fun.
> ...


I thought he understood what my days were like because he was here during lockdown.

I do usually give him space when he gets home. I’m not standing by the door waiting to hand a baby off to him as soon as he gets in. I don’t expect him to take over. I certainly get no down time once he comes home. I can’t help that my older daughter immediately wants to chat with him and play with him or that it tends to be a time when the babies are eating and an extra hand is usually nice right about then. What about me? If I give him an hour or so to himself when he gets home should he then give me an hour of relief?

I feel that given the circumstances I do a good job of managing all by myself for most of the day. There was a lot of stumbling for the first year. Most of it was stumbling and just trying to get through day by day for the first year. I’ve learned to be very organized and thanks to parents who have gone before me I’ve implemented many tips and tricks to make things more manageable. I can do things with 4 children I never dreamed of doing solo before, like trips to the park and to the shop. There will always be times when I get overwhelmed but overall I am thriving as a parent of multiples. I am very tired at the end of each day and when our routine is greatly disrupted it takes me some time to find my feet again but I’m happy. It’s very obvious my husband is not. There are times when things seem like they used to be but getting him to go out and do things as a family barely ever happens anymore and he always has an excuse. WhenI have had to leave the children with him for a few hours I always give him detailed instructions in writing and he never follows any of them, which I find very disrespectful.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If he’s not doing anything dangerous let him parent on his terms. Directions sound a bit over the top


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Token earring. I’d give it to him saying “ not mine so….”


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How’s the sex life with you and MIA?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BelleShelle said:


> I’ve refused to orchestrate paternity testing this far mainly out of principle. If he’s so concerned about it why doesn’t he take the initiative to get them tested? But I have a right mind to do it now. I’m going to give him some straight answers and demand some from him. I’ve just looked it up and found a local company that will send me at home tests for all 3 babies, my husband, and myself for 369 euros.
> 
> I called our phone company and they won’t allow me access to our account because I’m not the account holder.


Um since they are triplets wouldn't testing one of them suffice, realistically?


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

In theory, yes. They’re not identical. Although extremely rare, fraternal twins and triplets can have different fathers. I wouldn’t be doing this because I need to know. I’d be doing it to prove a point, I’m which case I think testing all three would be irrefutable proof. If I were to test just one of them it would only save me about 80 euros anyway. 

I can’t bring myself to order the tests though because I don’t want to spend the money on something that is so stupid!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

harperlee said:


> No Belle, he does not know what you do all day. When a person is out in the world; getting up, dressed, out, long hours dealing with people and bringing home the money; what they want is to be home. All of that is for home, that's why we go and it's where we want to be.
> He absolutely is jealous as heck that you stay and he goes. Does he ponder what your day is actually like, nope.
> 
> I do think from what you have posted that your husband is probably cheating. If a person is where they do not want to be for the majority of the time, they may find ways to make such time more tolerable, fun.
> ...


No. You shouldn't post stuff like this as if it's truth.

Not true that what "everyone" wants is to be at home with 4 kids including a set of young triplets they didn't think they were signing up for. There are people, both male and female, who think that would be hellish and try to avoid going home to that.

And no, pretty safe to say he's not "jealous as heck" that he's not the one staying home with the 4 kids.That did make me laugh out loud.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BelleShelle said:


> In theory, yes. They’re not identical. Although extremely rare, fraternal twins and triplets can have different fathers. I wouldn’t be doing this because I need to know. I’d be doing it to prove a point, I’m which case I think testing all three would be irrefutable proof. If I were to test just one of them it would only save me about 80 euros anyway.
> 
> I can’t bring myself to order the tests though because I don’t want to spend the money on something that is so stupid!


He knows they’re his. He’s just deflecting, it’s a common cheater tactic. He’s a cheater, so he thinks you are too…… or wants to think it.
You really need to take some action to get answers.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Could be he's not cheating but just hates his life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> No. You shouldn't post stuff like this as if it's truth.
> 
> Not true that what "everyone" wants is to be at home with 4 kids including a set of young triplets they didn't think they were signing up for. There are people, both male and female, who think that would be hellish and try to avoid going home to that.
> 
> And no, pretty safe to say he's not "jealous as heck" that he's not the one staying home with the 4 kids.That did make me laugh out loud.


I agree, but I would want to come hone abd see my wife and kids when I got off work, even if they were all a pain in the butt. But that’s just me.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> How’s the sex life with you and MIA?


Before children it was practically every day. Still very frequent even after our first child was born. Since sometime during the pregnancy with the triplets it’s completely changed course with months of no sex for one reason or another. Semi regular sex did start back up again when they were maybe 10 months old but nowhere near the frequency of before. We are honestly both so tired most of the time and free moments were pretty rare but we made it work for some time, even if it was mainly very quick sessions or sometimes not full sex but oral or something. I thought I was doing the best I could to give him that sort of attention. Over the past several months I feel more desire for sex now that I’ve found ways to manage my life and don’t feel like I’m running around blind. I feel like I look more like myself now. I take care of my appearance, although it’s not a full face of makeup and fancy dress clothes anymore. It’s not as if I gained 100 kilos. He doesn’t initiate sex as often anymore. He says he figures I’m tired of that I don’t want to or says he’s just too tired or stressed or whatever. We do have sex still but this used to be a guy who would say yes when sex was offered or suggested no matter what and now it’s different.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BelleShelle said:


> Before children it was practically every day. Still very frequent even after our first child was born. Since sometime during the pregnancy with the triplets it’s completely changed course with months of no sex for one reason or another. Semi regular sex did start back up again when they were maybe 10 months old but nowhere near the frequency of before. We are honestly both so tired most of the time and free moments were pretty rare but we made it work for some time, even if it was mainly very quick sessions or sometimes not full sex but oral or something. I thought I was doing the best I could to give him that sort of attention. Over the past several months I feel more desire for sex now that I’ve found ways to manage my life and don’t feel like I’m running around blind. I feel like I look more like myself now. I take care of my appearance, although it’s not a full face of makeup and fancy dress clothes anymore. It’s not as if I gained 100 kilos. He doesn’t initiate sex as often anymore. He says he figures I’m tired of that I don’t want to or says he’s just too tired or stressed or whatever. We do have sex still but this used to be a guy who would say yes when sex was offered or suggested no matter what and now it’s different.


Then that is a big change…. Agreed?


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Livvie said:


> No. You shouldn't post stuff like this as if it's truth.
> 
> Not true that what "everyone" wants is to be at home with 4 kids including a set of young triplets they didn't think they were signing up for. There are people, both male and female, who think that would be hellish and try to avoid going home to that.
> 
> And no, pretty safe to say he's not "jealous as heck" that he's not the one staying home with the 4 kids.That did make me laugh out loud.


That isn't the extent of what I posted but I'm ok with not elaborating. I understand when I post on a public forum that my opinion won't be interpreted the same way by every person who reads.



Livvie said:


> Um since they are triplets wouldn't testing one of them suffice, realistically?


Trizygotic triplets

Most triplets are trizygotic, meaning that *each individual formed from a separate zygote, or egg and sperm combination*. They are commonly described as "fraternal" multiples and share the same genetic similarities as any siblings.Jul 11, 2021


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Could be he's not cheating but just hates his life.


But then why is he hiding everything from me, putting passwords in things that never had passwords or changing existing passwords that I used to know? I could believe maybe he just hated his life. I know he must resent me somehow, but it doesn’t explain the other things he’s doing.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Then that is a big change…. Agreed?


Yes it is.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Regardless of cheating or not, he’s not really coming home. He’s not really there when he is there. You won’t be losing anything if you divorce him. You’ll be getting free of an anchor around your neck.

My advice: See an attorney and find out what divorce looks like financially for you.
Do what you need to do to find out if he’s cheating. Knowledge of cheating will give you some resolution.
File for divorce and serve him with papers. At that point, he has two choices: Fix his **** or get divorced.
Your desire to have a husband and a father isn’t unreasonable. His behavior is. You can always stop the divorce if he has an epiphany and changes his ways.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Have you checked on the price for a polygraph for him?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Whether the man is cheating or not it does not sound like your husband is available to you or your children. Is this the way you want to live your life? I think I would have the paternity test done, show him the results and then tell him what you need from him as a partner, a father, and a husband. If he can not contribute then you have to question whether you want to stay. Living with an available partner is a cruel existence. What I can tell you also is that there will not be a day that he wakes up and decides h wants to be a better father or a better husband. This is who he is and he is very comfortable with the situation the way it is. You take care of things so he can do whatever he wants to do. 

Many times I think men see themselves as the provider and don't see how important it is to be a mutual partner in a relationship.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You aren’t happy he doesn’t want to be there.
He’s trying hard not to be there.

no one is happy with this scenario.
Start making changes! If he doesn’t intend to participate at home then why do you expect him to be there? Tell him to get out… that this isn’t working for you.

our expectations are what get us disappointed - you had expected him to be a loving husband and father. And he obviously doesn’t want to DO that.

so give him what his actions have been telling you. Tell him to move today. At least that way you know the home life is only on you.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Have you checked on the price for a polygraph for him?


No. I doubt he would ever agree to that.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Whether the man is cheating or not it does not sound like your husband is available to you or your children. Is this the way you want to live your life? I think I would have the paternity test done, show him the results and then tell him what you need from him as a partner, a father, and a husband. If he can not contribute then you have to question whether you want to stay. Living with an available partner is a cruel existence. What I can tell you also is that there will not be a day that he wakes up and decides h wants to be a better father or a better husband. This is who he is and he is very comfortable with the situation the way it is. You take care of things so he can do whatever he wants to do.
> 
> Many times I think men see themselves as the provider and don't see how important it is to be a mutual partner in a relationship.


When I’ve brought up his not physically being here or his constant use of his phone or other distractions when he is here his first defense is that he does his part by working and paying for everything. I really think part of him he truly believes that he’s fulfilling his duty and nothing more should be expected, but he’s admitted to feeling guilty if he doesn’t help when he’s at home, which is apparently why he just avoids coming home. That way he doesn’t have to help and he apparently doesn’t feel guilty about it either because he manages to just block us all out when we’re not right in front of him. It would be easier for me to understand if he’d been that way after our first child was born, but he was a hands on dad with her. This is like a different person. He’s arrogant now too, really full of himself. He’s just changed and I don’t know what happened.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> You aren’t happy he doesn’t want to be there.
> He’s trying hard not to be there.
> 
> no one is happy with this scenario.
> ...


I’m scared to be on my own. Even with support payments I don’t know how I’d manage to afford things on my own and how I could ever manage to find a job to make enough to support my kids until they’re all in school. 

I’ve been with him so long. I think my identity is so wrapped up in being a wife and mother and I love being a wife and mother. I don’t know how to lose part of that identity. I sound so pathetic. I need to know more about what is going on with him. Right now I’m just sad and not angry enough to do anything about it.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s cheating that’s what happened


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You have to realize he’s happiest when he’s not with you. Doesn’t that make you furious? He’d rather be anywhere else. He’s an ass.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He’s cheating that’s what happened


I just want actual proof.



snowbum said:


> You have to realize he’s happiest when he’s not with you. Doesn’t that make you furious? He’d rather be anywhere else. He’s an ass.


It makes me question what I did to make him dislike me so much. I feel like it must be something about me.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

It’s probably the fact he can hang out without responsibility.
Truthfully…. Has he let in he didn’t like you before the triplets? Because asking for a paternity test is the biggest F you he could throw at you


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BelleShelle said:


> When I’ve brought up his not physically being here or his constant use of his phone or other distractions when he is here his first defense is that he does his part by working and paying for everything. I really think part of him he truly believes that he’s fulfilling his duty and nothing more should be expected, but he’s admitted to feeling guilty if he doesn’t help when he’s at home, which is apparently why he just avoids coming home. That way he doesn’t have to help and he apparently doesn’t feel guilty about it either because he manages to just block us all out when we’re not right in front of him. It would be easier for me to understand if he’d been that way after our first child was born, but he was a hands on dad with her. This is like a different person. He’s arrogant now too, really full of himself. He’s just changed and I don’t know what happened.


What's happened is that you had triplets, on top of an existing child, to boot. For some people, it would feel like their life was ruined. Sounds like he is of them. 

It probably doesn't help that from when you found out it was triplets you felt like it was the best thing ever, the coolest thing to ever happen to anyone. A huge gulf there about your views.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> It’s probably the fact he can hang out without responsibility.
> Truthfully…. Has he let in he didn’t like you before the triplets? Because asking for a paternity test is the biggest F you he could throw at you


Things seemed normal or as they’d always been before I got pregnant. The pregnancy was intentional and we discussed it for quite a while beforehand. I actually thought we should hold off until after COVID-19, but we of course had no idea how long it’d be going on. He predicted it’d be happening for years and he convinced me get pregnant when we did instead of waiting for what he predicted might be years. I don’t know why he’d do that if he had decided he didn’t like me anymore.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> What's happened is that you had triplets, on top of an existing child, to boot. For some people, it would feel like their life was ruined. Sounds like he is of them.
> 
> It probably doesn't help that from when you found out it was triplets you felt like it was the best thing ever, the coolest thing to ever happen to anyone. A huge gulf there about your views.


I can understand feeling that way before they were born but I don’t understand how anyone, especially their parent, could look at them and think their life is ruined because they’re here.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BelleShelle said:


> I can understand feeling that way before they were born but I don’t understand how anyone, especially their parent, could look at them and think their life is ruined because they’re here.


He went from thinking he would have 2 kids, to now it's 4 kids. 

He went from having a wife who contributed financially, to a wife who might not work again for a decade or more, and now with huge expenses he never anticipated.

That's not even considering the absolute chaos and massive life change triplets convey. Massive. Every aspect of life.

I'm a mother, and I love being a mother, but the thought of triplets makes me want to run screaming, and I'm a woman. 

If you can't even understand how he could be feeling like the life he planned on having has been now replaced with something he never wanted, that might be a huge part of the problem. 

You were on cloud nine from the start, you said, and feel like you.were "touched by god", right?

He never felt that way. He felt stressed and like the life he wanted was now gone and he was thrust into a nightmare, basically. 

And if you can't even aknowledge that a man could be feeling that in the face of a total and completely different life than the one he wanted there's part of the problem right there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

BelleShelle said:


> I can understand feeling that way before they were born but I don’t understand how anyone, especially their parent, could look at them and think their life is ruined because they’re here.


I don’t think too many dads would react as he has but it happens. Maybe he’ll adjust one day but he may not. Not everyone accepts different circumstances than what they were expecting. My guess is that once they were born he was totally overwhelmed at the huge change in his life and hasn’t gotten back to where he is. It’s a problem with him and not a problem with you so don’t think you made him do whatever he’s doing. There are plenty of people who think they are prepared for whatever parenthood brings — including unexpected multiples — but some just aren’t. As for possible cheating, proof (really conclusive proof) can be a difficult thing to find. Sometimes you have to make a decision based on less than you would prefer having.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

BelleShelle said:


> When I’ve brought up his not physically being here or his constant use of his phone or other distractions when he is here his first defense is that he does his part by working and paying for everything. I really think part of him he truly believes that he’s fulfilling his duty and nothing more should be expected, but he’s admitted to feeling guilty if he doesn’t help when he’s at home, which is apparently why he just avoids coming home. That way he doesn’t have to help and he apparently doesn’t feel guilty about it either because he manages to just block us all out when we’re not right in front of him. It would be easier for me to understand if he’d been that way after our first child was born, but he was a hands on dad with her. This is like a different person. He’s arrogant now too, really full of himself. He’s just changed and I don’t know what happened.


He does feel he is fulfu=illing his obligation to his family by going to work and supporting you financially. He does feel that this is all he needs to provide to you. I believe he sees his home time as his leisure down time and for you to expect anything different probably feels like you are hounding him and I truly do not feel he understands. He does see the house and raising the children as your responsibility. Many times you see men chase, turn on the charm, do whatever they have to get what they want. If the goal was marriage then they reached that goal and in their mind all is good and nothing more needs to happen. Unfortunately, too many times these men get bored in their every day life but rather than seeing their marriage as something to work and continue to build they reach for excitement. Of course it is flattering to have someone interested in you and if a lady come along that gives these men the time of day they again are on the pursuit. Remember, he has you.....you are in place.....you are where he needs you in his life.....you are caring for his other needs.....caregiver to his children, cook, wife, partner.....he gets that, he gets his obligation. What he does not understand is that he has to show up emotionally to make his marriage work. He does not know how. He cannot be vulnerable and you are waiting for the day when this man shows you love and attention once again like he did when he was on the chase. He has to become fully aware of your emotional needs from him, he has to be willing to give this and not just for a couple weeks. The two of you need time together as a couple to nurture your relationship.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

BelleShelle said:


> No. I doubt he would ever agree to that.


I wonder why.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I would make sure you are fully protected or your husband, so you can't bring any more children into this. Maybe he can get a vasectomy. He will probably be terrified you may get pregnant again and have more triplets and avoid sex. He could be riddled with anxiety because he is the sole earner, and now has 4 children instead of 2 to feed, feeling under a lot of pressure. His way of coping could be by avoiding you, home and the children, which is sad  I've seen it happen a few times. Do you nag him as soon as he walks in the door? That could be another reason to avoid going home. He has to realise you need breaks too though and you also need support. I hope he isn't cheating and this is a case of daddy is scared he might fail and not earn enough etc. The hiding all passwords for banks, messages, emails etc is not good and could point towards him cheating  it's also financial abuse if he is keeping you locked out of all accounts. If he isn't cheating he needs to give you all passwords and whatever else you need to feel safe in your marriage. 

You have a lot going on and maybe counselling will help you both. You both need to sit down and talk. Get family to look after children for a few hours when he isn't working, and get everything out into the open. Then discuss ways to solve them. 

He needs to realise his behaviour is suspicious and he needs to make you feel safe and secure.

If you do end up alone their are jobs you can do at home. Other parents of multiple births work at home in between looking after the children. Your husband would have to give you child support too and spousal support too I think, so you will have money going forward.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> He went from thinking he would have 2 kids, to now it's 4 kids.
> 
> He went from having a wife who contributed financially, to a wife who might not work again for a decade or more, and now with huge expenses he never anticipated.
> 
> ...


Thank you for enlightening me.

I do understand, actually. I know he has a lot of responsibility and feels a lot of pressure. I also know this isn’t what we planned. I deal with the chaos every day, but I enjoy it for the most part. I get stressed too. He’s not the only one with a lot of responsibility here, but I look at these 4 little faces and just melt. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my children. I didn’t realize right away that he didn’t feel the same, but I understand that he’s not really happy. I’m not oblivious. I realized some time ago that there’s some resentment towards me and I’m sure his accusations of not actually being father to the triplets is his way of saying he holds me accountable for the situation.

He should have been man enough to tell me the truth about how he felt a long time ago.

There’s still a big difference in my heart if it’s just a matter of him avoiding being at home because he doesn’t want this life we have or his family and whether or not he’s avoiding being at home and cheating on me. I feel like if cheating isn’t involved it may be something we can work through. If it’s that and cheating as well, I can’t stay with him and maintain any sort of respect for myself.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have him take a polygraph. He’s not being honest with you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

my dear belleshelle both of you planned to have one extra child and you ended up with 3 +1 which changed your life and his, you now have no job and everything from the money side of family life is now on him and he is at best hiding from helping around the house, he might feel in to deep but he changing passwords and you not knowing what he is spending is not helping he looks like a cheat .
just to try put yourself in his place today , could it be that he can not afford the extra expence , we all know that car expences, heat, food, have went through the roof, he could be hiding from you his bank account hoping you don't find out things are as bad as they could well be ,I take it he has to run 2 car a house and 4 kids and with 3 the same age you can't even use hand me downs form older kids and one wage less and no hope you you getting a job for some time the gun has been put the both your heads you have had to change so much so fast it is hard to keep up .
could it be that he is working harder longer hours so he has no chance of been replaced, 

not only is it hard for families today but it is hard for companies with the cost of everything now , one place we work with has never been strong and we are afraid they could shut down any day .
as I don't live in IRELAND I don't know what people do now after work and after covid a lot must have changed , 
do the lads go to the pub together after work, 
I see where we work many go home a little late but there is one guy that seems to not want to go home and he likes to talk to the others for 2h after work, but I know his woman is not home as she works late ,

you are asking him for passwords and by right in my mind you should not have to ask, 
I think you need to find help and tell him that you see your life together in danger and let him know you don't want this but hiding from the way things are going sepration is on the way ,
you need to keep away from the cheating mindset for now as when it comes down to it 
what you have now is two people living together but not together , 

both here are stressed both here are throughing crap around and dugging the real issue 
if he said he thinks the kids are not his a dna test only will prove that the kids are his but it does not resopnd to the fact what he is saying is he thinks you might have had relationship with someone and it could have gone that for , 
I know there is a side in many couples that they joke about the post man or jack been the father of their kids but in this case it seem it was not a joke


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

I managed to get into his computer. I know he has a document with all passwords somewhere on there but I can’t find it. I was able to get into his Facebook account and I saw a message of him telling the same girl that he’s been liking all the pics of on Instagram that they could go get drinks. I also was able to auto log in to a message board he goes on regularly regarding one of his hobbies and he has a bunch of posts about me about how things are not the same between us anymore and all of the people on there feeling sorry for him! I haven’t told him I found this information yet because I really don’t know what to do with it. Im going to get back on tomorrow night and try to find the passwords to other accounts. Due to time I had to give up last night, but now I have his computer passcode and I’m not going to tell him that I do.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The thing about this thread is that a few people are talking about his shock at now having 4 kids.

Is no-one thinking of how she’s adjusted, and my GAWD! Carrying 3 kids??

But one of them is being responsible and trying her best to be an adult, while trying to understand and be a better spouse. The other is not.

Lady, you are a prize. I am so sorry for your situation. He’s being pretty awful. And he could have raised his hand to see a doctor or psychologist. I hope things work out for you, you are a great mother and wife.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s telling strangers he doesn’t feel the same. With that info I’d talk about separating before he springs news of an affair in you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

snowbum said:


> He’s telling strangers he doesn’t feel the same. With that info I’d talk about separating before he springs news of an affair in you.


if your not happy why stay around untill the cheating starts


frenchpaddy said:


> I recommend that you just end it.
> he cheated and that did not help ,
> you see him in a different light now so end it and don't feel sorry for changing ,
> I just wish you well


i posted this for another person i think it fits here as well


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

BelleShelle said:


> I’m scared to be on my own. Even with support payments I don’t know how I’d manage to afford things on my own and how I could ever manage to find a job to make enough to support my kids until they’re all in school.
> 
> I’ve been with him so long. I think my identity is so wrapped up in being a wife and mother and I love being a wife and mother. I don’t know how to lose part of that identity. I sound so pathetic. I need to know more about what is going on with him. Right now I’m just sad and not angry enough to do anything about it.


Please don't ever call yourself pathetic again.. I went through the same with my ex-husband, we didn't have children so it was a bit different... But I didn't know how I would come back "home" to FL from CA after he basically left me homeless and moved to a new place with his coworker... but I made it, I did it.. and I'm still doing it. 

You're doing the best you can given your current situation, and you sound like an amazing mother to your babies. ❤


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If it's a Windows computer and you can find a way to install it without him knowing you've done so, go to https://www.voidtools.com, and download and install the appropriate version (32 or 64 bit) of Search Anything. Run it. You will see every file on his computer. If you can think of any word in the title of his password document, you might be able to find it. You can sort by date. You can search on file extension. If you install it and remove it, be sure to remove the installer file and any folders it creates. Remove them from the Recycle Bin individually. 

If you could make an image of his hard drive and restore it to another hard drive, you could search it to your heart's content on another computer. You need to be somewhat of a techie to do that, however.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Apparently I’m not much of a prize to my husband anymore.

It’s come out that he’s not attracted to me anymore and that there are many other younger women who are more attractive to him and give him more attention that I do. He is not sure that he loves me anymore but claims he does love all 4 of our children and has just had a hard time to adjusting to this new life since the day I was admitted to hospital on bed rest prior to giving birth. He is stressed and I “can’t possibly understand.”

My life revolves around the children and I’m obsessive about it, supposedly.

Yes there is somebody else he’s interested. She works with him. Yes they flirt and talk and text but he’s not slept with her yet even though she wants to. Oh great what a gentlemen for resisting!

It’s probably best that I don’t express what I really want to do to him right now.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Well make sure he gets 50% custody of the kids. See how attractive he is to her when he's swamped with the kids, broke and has no time for her lol!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Not said:


> Well make sure he gets 50% custody of the kids. See how attractive he is to her when he's swamped with the kids, broke and has no time for her lol!


He won’t want them. He’ll say he does to get out of paying child support, but he showed he doesn’t care about his children when he complained his wife paid more attention to their children than to him. 🙄

Chances are zero he hasn’t already slept with new girl.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Not said:


> Well make sure he gets 50% custody of the kids. See how attractive he is to her when he's swamped with the kids, broke and has no time for her lol!


However that could backfire, if they are financially very well off. Hire nanny, problem solved. This appears to be international, Italy?


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

I feel like such a fool! I can’t believe he’s not slept with her yet no matter what he says. He’s probably only told me a tenth of the truth.

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. It’s hard to even think straight.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> However that could backfire, if they are financially very well off. Hire nanny, problem solved. This appears to be international, Italy?


Ireland.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Not said:


> Well make sure he gets 50% custody of the kids. See how attractive he is to her when he's swamped with the kids, broke and has no time for her lol!


Not to mention that it takes something like 5 years to get a divorce in Ireland. Yeah, he's a hot commodity alright. Add in three tykes still in diapers and any sane woman will want to jump off a cliff.

This guy doesn't even realize he's shot himself in the foot. I'd divorce him just for being so friggin' stupid.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> I feel like such a fool! I can’t believe he’s not slept with her yet no matter what he says. He’s probably only told me a tenth of the truth.
> 
> I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. It’s hard to even think straight.


I’m so sorry Belle. The first thing you need to do is go to your family. Surround yourself with those who love you.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

And record every conversation with him from this point onward.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Kick his ass out.what a tool. Do not engage with this dbag


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Any **** that would consider screwing around with a married dude who has triplets has a screw lose.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Not said:


> I’m so sorry Belle. The first thing you need to do is go to your family. Surround yourself with those who love you.


I haven’t told them yet because I feel so embarrassed. Why should I be the one who feels embarrassed? I don’t know, but I do.

I confessed to looking through his computer and accounts I probably should have told him what I did. I just couldn’t help myself. He tried to blame me like I was in the wrong for looking through his stuff. I was in the wrong? What married father of 4 abandons his family for a 20 something **** that the whole town has probably screwed? Who does that?????


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

I’ve seen her social media. She gets off on being hot and wanted by men. She probably considers this an accomplishment. It’s taking all my strength and self respect to not show up where they work and confront her. I won’t stoop that low


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Kick his ass out.what a tool. Do not engage with this dbag


I asked him to not come home tonight. He said it’s his house and he pays all the bills and I can’t tell him he can’t come home to his own house. Funny that, since he hasn’t wanted to be home with us in months! Now he finally has the freedom to not come home with no complaints from me. I can’t be around him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Call his mommy. I bet she would love to have him home to fawn over.
When she asks what's up, tell her you don't like his girlfriend.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BelleShelle said:


> Ireland.


Whoops.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> I haven’t told them yet because I feel so embarrassed. Why should I be the one who feels embarrassed? I don’t know, but I do.
> 
> I confessed to looking through his computer and accounts I probably should have told him what I did. I just couldn’t help myself. He tried to blame me like I was in the wrong for looking through his stuff. I was in the wrong? What married father of 4 abandons his family for a 20 something **** that the whole town has probably screwed? Who does that?????


You’re in shock right now. Take some time to lose it, rage and get it out. Then you need to get yourself under control. You need your family to lean on. They are your perfect sounding board for your weak moments. Your husband? He gets nothing from you. Neither positive nor negative. He no longer deserves any part of you, not even your anger.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

@BelleShelle 

Hope you are doing OK.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

I’m feeling very hurt and confused.

He’s starting crying and begging for me to not leave him, saying how much he loves me and our children and that he was just stupid and got a bit full of himself. I feel paralyzed.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Do not believe him. Do not accept this


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He left you and told you he doesn’t find you attractive, he’s afraid of owing you $


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

When you get caught and you begin to beg, you're done. That's my opinion. 

When I was caught doing something that jeopardized my marriage I owned up to it immediately, packed my bags, and left (She asked that I leave) No excuses, no "I didn't mean it". I was wrong, and I took responsibility for it. 

When you suddenly realize you could lose everything you loved and held dear (and yes, the prospect of having a lighter paycheck), denial is a powerful demon. Help him see the light.. tell him it's hotel time and he's on his own... and follow the advice so many give here... give yourself time to think and have no contact with him aside from child visitation, and make sure you don't listen to anymore of his begging and pleading.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

This guy *****ed about you online and told you the name of the woman he planned to have sex with. He’s a cheater and he’s not sorry. 4 kids don’t make him sorry.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Make him leave today! You need some space to clear your mind and not be manipulated by his emotions - emotions that he got caught.

he’s not sorry he did this to you - he’s sorry he got caught.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s playing you and he’ll continue as long as you let him.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> I’m feeling very hurt and confused.
> 
> He’s starting crying and begging for me to not leave him, saying how much he loves me and our children and that he was just stupid and got a bit full of himself. I feel paralyzed.


For gosh sakes, he screwed up and bad. The least he can do is go away for awhile and give you some space to process this! He was already sounding just completely selfish and if he won't give you some space, well then there you go! Totally selfish.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Not to mention that it takes something like 5 years to get a divorce in Ireland.


Omg is this true? 5 years? We can be done in 4-6 months in Canada!


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sadly, this is pretty much an admission of guilt. I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone, but unfortunately while the courts may tell him to pay child support they can’t force him to spend time with or care about his children.



Unfortunately, they can't force him to pay child support if he were to terminate all his parental rights.. 


Op needs to prepare for the future.

Try to get on assistance and benefits, free childcare if eligible, free housing, whatever benefits and programs that she is able to apply for she should do.

You need free childcare inside of your home though.


Maybe work from home. 
Emergency housing and assistance 


Op can't or should rely on her family to help.

It's op responsibility to care for her children, not theirs. Op shouldn't even ask them to stay with any of them. It's too much. Especially with 4 children.


Op has to make plans ASAP.

Cheating or not, his behavior is unacceptable, and he hasn't been a father, husband, or any support, except financially. 

You cannot continue to stick around in an unhealthy, toxic environment for both op and her children. Op is going to make herself sick with worry and stress and winding up in the hospital or not here anymore.


Make plans to leave. Once plans are concrete, leave.


This is not an healthy environment for any of you to be in


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

BelleShelle said:


> I haven’t told them yet because I feel so embarrassed. Why should I be the one who feels embarrassed? I don’t know, but I do.
> 
> I confessed to looking through his computer and accounts I probably should have told him what I did. I just couldn’t help myself. He tried to blame me like I was in the wrong for looking through his stuff. I was in the wrong? What married father of 4 abandons his family for a 20 something **** that the whole town has probably screwed? Who does that?????


Your anger and frustration and problem is with your husband only and not her. 

Also its terrible that you're bashing, insulting, and making terrible insinuations and accusations about someone that you don't know.

Either stay or leave.

What are you going to do?


Stay, tolerate, accept, subject, expose you and your children to this type of toxic environment, while also teaching your children to become doormats,

Or leave and rebuild your life, with you and your children at a place of peace and happiness... eventually???


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

A 20 year old screwing around with a married man with 4 kids has flawed character


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Not said:


> Well make sure he gets 50% custody of the kids. See how attractive he is to her when he's swamped with the kids, broke and has no time for her lol!


That's a terrible idea. Why let the children be alone with and in the care of someone who doesn't treat them well, and is disinterested, neglects them now...


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> A 20 year old screwing around with a married man with 4 kids has flawed character


It's the husband's fault only. He should never allow or entertain other women.


Does she even know that he's married or have kids???
He could be acting and telling women that he's single without kids


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So she’s to stupid to ask? She can’t question why a guy 20 years older is interested in her? Doesn’t take her home? Meet the relatives?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

It takes 2. The hot young thing is not totally innocent.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> However that could backfire, if they are financially very well off. Hire nanny, problem solved. This appears to be international, Italy?



A father being negligent and disinterested in fatherhood Soo much that he hires nannies to deal with them so that he doesn't have to be bothered with them won't solve anything, and will only leave the kids scarred with complexes and traumas and issues of abandonment. 

Plus not everyone is to be trusted with kids, nannies included.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> It takes 2. The hot young thing is not totally innocent.


He's in the marriage. Its his fault only. He took the vows. If he didn't make himself freely available to anyone else, nobody would be involved with him. He knows that he should turn down advances, not put himself out there. He knows how to be committed, and faithful. He doesn't want to be. He probably hasn't been since they were dating. There probably are multiple women. Probably have been. 

He's taking advantage of young, naive, gullible women who just recently stopped being teenagers. That is hunterish behavior. Disgusting behavior


Nobody knows what the true situation is.

She could be being manipulated or threatened by him..etc...



Even if she knows, it's still all his fault for pursuing and becoming involved with other women while in a relationship called marriage.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Not to mention that it takes something like 5 years to get a divorce in Ireland. Yeah, he's a hot commodity alright. Add in three tykes still in diapers and any sane woman will want to jump off a cliff.
> 
> This guy doesn't even realize he's shot himself in the foot. I'd divorce him just for being so friggin' stupid.


Google saids:


This can take anywhere from 3 to 9 months depending on where you are in Ireland. When it comes to a contested divorce, that is you and your spouse cannot agree, then it can take anywhere between 9 months and 2 or 3 years to complete.






Even if she has to wait for the divorce op can still leave him.


There will always be women out there who would want him.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

The unthinkable has happened to me. He left and is staying with the woman he’s been cheating on me with. He told me he was staying with his brother’s family but I confirmed with my SIL that was a lie. Eventually I discovered where he was because I followed him. Why should I care anymore, right? I’m embarrassed to say I stopped low enough to follow him at that point, once he’d already admitted to everything he has.

I hate him. I trusted him with absolutely everything. He’s been my only love, the only man I’ve ever been with. We’ve been together since we were teenagers. I can’t believe he would do this to me and humiliate me by being with this woman on top of it.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Tiddytok5 said:


> Google saids:
> 
> 
> This can take anywhere from 3 to 9 months depending on where you are in Ireland. When it comes to a contested divorce, that is you and your spouse cannot agree, then it can take anywhere between 9 months and 2 or 3 years to complete.
> ...


There are several legal forms of separation but to be granted a true divorce we have to have lived apart for 2 out of the 3 years beforehand. We can technically live in the same house as long as we are not living together as a couple in a committed (ha) relationship, or in other words not behaving like husband and wife.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What a cowardly excuse of a man. Out him to his family. File for support. Do not take him back


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Sorry to hear of the latest update.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

@BelleShelle 

I'm sorry for what has happened... just you wait and see, in time, you're going to be the happiest you've ever been after all of this.. 

🙏 ❤ 

We are all here for you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> He went from thinking he would have 2 kids, to now it's 4 kids.
> 
> He went from having a wife who contributed financially, to a wife who might not work again for a decade or more, and now with huge expenses he never anticipated.
> 
> ...


I’m gonna have to disagree a little. He’s cheating and that’s all.
A normal man just works and does whatever is needed, and doesn’t feel constantly burdened. We just do our thing.

He’d be enjoying being a dad if his heart wasn’t somewhere else.

the main problem is his head is on someone else’s vagina. OP needs to accept that.

edit: I was on page 4 and just read to page 8. You are a prize. Don’t forget that. Blondilocks was right, he’s too damn stupid to keep as a husband.
Please don’t take him back when you finally remove the parasite. His AP will undoubtedly dump him and he will come slithering back. Stomp him like any other snake.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Move at least half of any available money into your name only. Try to keep track of spending he does on his OW. Show evidence on paper of his spending for later (court).

Make sure you get a plan together about how to support the household while he is off with her.

See if you can petition the court for a quicker divorce since he has moved in with her.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Get a lawyer and don’t communicate with him personally


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BelleShelle said:


> There are several legal forms of separation but to be granted a true divorce we have to have lived apart for 2 out of the 3 years beforehand. We can technically live in the same house as long as we are not living together as a couple in a committed (ha) relationship, or in other words not behaving like husband and wife.


See this thread by one of your fellow countrymen:








Destroyed


Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this. Not sure where to start but here goes. Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10 Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





You might find something useful in it.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Works said:


> @BelleShelle
> 
> I'm sorry for what has happened... just you wait and see, in time, you're going to be the happiest you've ever been after all of this..
> 
> ...


I hope so for her sake. She said she loved being a wife and mother and he’s basically just pulled the rug out from under her entire existence. I cannot imagine what she’s feeling right now.

@BelleShelle I know divorce is being thrown around here but is that what you are planning to do at this point? Not that I don’t think you should, because I do. Just wondering what you’re thinking right now and how we strangers might be able to support you.

I know guys like this exist everywhere (and women too), but the idea of not only cheating on your wife but leaving your 4 young kids behind to go live with your mistress is just sickening.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I hope so for her sake. She said she loved being a wife and mother and he’s basically just pulled the rug out from under her entire existence. I cannot imagine what she’s feeling right now.
> 
> @BelleShelle I know divorce is being thrown around here but is that what you are planning to do at this point? Not that I don’t think you should, because I do. Just wondering what you’re thinking right now and how we strangers might be able to support you.
> 
> I know guys like this exist everywhere (and women too), but the idea of not only cheating on your wife but leaving your 4 young kids behind to go live with your mistress is just sickening.


I once was a wife and loved it as well, without the kids, so her situation is a lot different than mine was in that sense. But I know what having the rug pulled out from under you feels like. I was left homeless while my now exH moved into a new place with his coworker... Wouldn't wish that on my own worst enemy.

One day at a time is all she can do at this moment... she's an amazing woman and mother and I know that she will be able to come out of this.

As far as the husband moving with the mistress, that won't last and I am sure he will be back begging her... hopefully by that time, she will be strong enough to not allow it. My ex and his ho*bag aren't together anymore... only took less than 2 years, while we were together almost 10.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

I can’t believe it’s all come out so quickly. Not that I think the husband should continue to lie to her but he sounds none too bright if you ask me. Seems like he didn’t even care that much when he finally got caught. I suppose she had enough evidence that he realized he couldn’t lie his way out of it anymore. It almost seems as if he was happy since he sure went running to the other woman very quickly. What does this 20 something woman want with this much older, married father of 4 anyway?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

His $, which his wife should be locking down asap


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> His $, which his wife should be locking down asap


But I don’t think she’s mentioned that they’re particularly well off. Obviously he’s making enough to support a family of 6 but I’m curious if money is really tight as he says or that was all a lie and the only reason money might be tight is because he’s been lavishing the OW. I mean, if I was looking to get with a guy with money to support me I wouldn’t be going after a married dad of 4 kids!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some take what they can get and maybe he’s the best the OW can do financially. She may well regret that soon. Not to mention how much he may end up regretting it. If he doesn't like being the parent of four he may really dislike being the parent of more and she’ll probably want a baby or two to lock him down. What a sad mess.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Works said:


> I once was a wife and loved it as well, without the kids, so her situation is a lot different than mine was in that sense. But I know what having the rug pulled out from under you feels like. I was left homeless while my now exH moved into a new place with his coworker... Wouldn't wish that on my own worst enemy.
> 
> One day at a time is all she can do at this moment... she's an amazing woman and mother and I know that she will be able to come out of this.
> 
> As far as the husband moving with the mistress, that won't last and I am sure he will be back begging her... hopefully by that time, she will be strong enough to not allow it. My ex and his ho*bag aren't together anymore... only took less than 2 years, while we were together almost 10.


I’m so sorry that happened to you. Being homeless is one of my worst fears! We had been planning to buy a larger house further out in the country. This house is ok for now but won’t be large enough for 4 kids once the triplets are bigger. We had been saving for it and I have been looking at houses and planning everything. I know it sounds so petty but that’s been a huge blow to me - knowing that I thought all of this was going to happen and he was living this lie the whole time. Everything I planned for my family is now in total limbo. I feel silly being so upset about this, of all things. I guess it’s just that he wasn’t sincere about any of it, or I don’t believe he could have been knowing what he was doing behind my back.

When he was still here he was at least another adult in the house. Even if he was super engaged he would play with our older daughter if I was doing something for the babies or he would at least feed one of them or hold one of them if I had to bathe another. Now being the only one here 24/7, it’s really all I can do to just get through each day.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m gonna have to disagree a little. He’s cheating and that’s all.
> A normal man just works and does whatever is needed, and doesn’t feel constantly burdened. We just do our thing.
> 
> He’d be enjoying being a dad if his heart wasn’t somewhere else.
> ...


I don’t know. I think @Livvie isn’t completely wrong. He’s changed since the triplets. He hasn’t said it in any exact words but it’s pretty obvious to me that he’s not happy with our life as it is now. Maybe that’s his “excuse” as to why he cheated on me. Maybe he feels like since he’s working and supporting all of us he deserves to do what he wants. All I know is that he’s not even really the same person that he was before. I wonder if this would have happened if we didnt have the triplets. I don’t blame them. I would choose them over him any day. I can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

He also called me fat yesterday. I’m maybe 25 lbs over what I was before kids. This young girl he’s with has got the perfect body, of course. and sure she has the perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect tan. She’s got time to do all of those things because she has nothing better to do with her time. I mean I don’t think I’ve let myself go. I’m still young and I don’t look old and frumpy but according to him I do. I feel so confused by all of these things he’s said to me lately. I don’t really know if they’re true or not anymore.

I haven’t begged him to not leave me for her though. I’ve maintained most of my dignity so far, I think. Part of me wishes he’d come home and beg me again and take all of the horrible things he’s said and done back, even though I know it wouldn’t be enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She may be young and perfect at the moment but for sure she won’t stay that way. Time marches on for all of us. How he reacts to that, after a couple of babies with her, is likely to be the same as he’s been with you. He’s chasing his lost youth and that never turns out well.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Like I said in that other thread - don’t listen to anything your husband says about you or your appearance. If he’s just started saying that stuff now since he’s been caught he’s probably just doing it because you found out his secret and he’s losing the control he thought he had over you and the situation.

Don’t compare yourself to his little tart. I know, he’s the one who broke your marriage vows, but she’s an adult and she knows that she’s been sleeping with a married man, a father to 4 small children. She may be beautiful on the outside but she’s very ugly on the inside.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to get temporary child visitation worked out. Let's see how long he's welcome to stay with her when they have the 4 kids over. Yes, he is going to be entitled to and have to be responsible for his offspring part of the time.

Anticipating the destruction of their love nest is making me a little giddy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BelleShelle said:


> He also called me fat yesterday. I’m maybe 25 lbs over what I was before kids. This young girl he’s with has got the perfect body, of course. and sure she has the perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect tan. She’s got time to do all of those things because she has nothing better to do with her time. I mean I don’t think I’ve let myself go. I’m still young and I don’t look old and frumpy but according to him I do. I feel so confused by all of these things he’s said to me lately. I don’t really know if they’re true or not anymore.
> 
> I haven’t begged him to not leave me for her though. I’ve maintained most of my dignity so far, I think. Part of me wishes he’d come home and beg me again and take all of the horrible things he’s said and done back, even though I know it wouldn’t be enough.


You're definitely enough for a good boyfriend or H. You're present H is neither and doesn't deserve to keep you. His loss!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

BelleShelle said:


> He also called me fat yesterday. I’m maybe 25 lbs over what I was before kids. This young girl he’s with has got the perfect body, of course. and sure she has the perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect tan. She’s got time to do all of those things because she has nothing better to do with her time. I mean I don’t think I’ve let myself go. I’m still young and I don’t look old and frumpy but according to him I do. I feel so confused by all of these things he’s said to me lately. I don’t really know if they’re true or not anymore.
> 
> I haven’t begged him to not leave me for her though. I’ve maintained most of my dignity so far, I think. Part of me wishes he’d come home and beg me again and take all of the horrible things he’s said and done back, even though I know it wouldn’t be enough.


Don't pay him any mind.. he is deflecting to make himself feel better after being caught and screwing up royally.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

As hard as it is, as much as you wish he’d change…do not beg him or take him back. He’s a cold hearted chest who is hateful. He’s a lying ahole who gets off humiliating you.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Is your husband staying over at his side piece's home? How is he or isn't seeing his children? If he isn't spending time with children go to citizens advice and ask what help is available because your husband has abandoned you with new triplets and another young child and no money. You deserve so much better.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> He also called me fat yesterday. I’m maybe 25 lbs over what I was before kids. This young girl he’s with has got the perfect body, of course. and sure she has the perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect tan. She’s got time to do all of those things because she has nothing better to do with her time. I mean I don’t think I’ve let myself go. I’m still young and I don’t look old and frumpy but according to him I do. I feel so confused by all of these things he’s said to me lately. I don’t really know if they’re true or not anymore.
> 
> I haven’t begged him to not leave me for her though. I’ve maintained most of my dignity so far, I think. Part of me wishes he’d come home and beg me again and take all of the horrible things he’s said and done back, even though I know it wouldn’t be enough.


She may look good on the outside, but her actions indicate she is ugly and disgusting on the inside. Same goes for your "husband". 

Don't let the opinion of a loser like him get to you. I know that is easier said than done. 

There is a chance he will come back begging, when this 20 something decide she wants a new toy. Don't give into him. He can never take back what he has said and done. You can't believe a word he says. Hang onto your dignity and don't let go.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

@BelleShelle here is a link of Ireland's citizen advice. Get in touch with them. They can get you good support and take a lot of pressure off you. Good luck.





__





Breakdown of a marriage or other relationship


The breakdown of a marriage or other relationship is a difficult and traumatic process. This page outlines the issues that may arise.




www.citizensinformation.ie


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> He also called me fat yesterday. I’m maybe 25 lbs over what I was before kids. This young girl he’s with has got the perfect body, of course. and sure she has the perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect tan. She’s got time to do all of those things because she has nothing better to do with her time. I mean I don’t think I’ve let myself go. I’m still young and I don’t look old and frumpy but according to him I do. I feel so confused by all of these things he’s said to me lately. I don’t really know if they’re true or not anymore.
> 
> I haven’t begged him to not leave me for her though. I’ve maintained most of my dignity so far, I think. Part of me wishes he’d come home and beg me again and take all of the horrible things he’s said and done back, even though I know it wouldn’t be enough.


Once little miss perfect morphs from an affair partner to an actual girlfriend who makes demands, he will be back. Just remember, you've seen who he is. The two of them deserve each other. Neither of them deserve YOU. He has to make you out to be the bad guy so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for what he's done. It has nothing to do with you or how you look or what you've done. He did this because HE is a bad person.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BelleShelle said:


> I don’t know. I think @Livvie isn’t completely wrong. He’s changed since the triplets. He hasn’t said it in any exact words but it’s pretty obvious to me that he’s not happy with our life as it is now. Maybe that’s his “excuse” as to why he cheated on me. Maybe he feels like since he’s working and supporting all of us he deserves to do what he wants. All I know is that he’s not even really the same person that he was before. I wonder if this would have happened if we didnt have the triplets. I don’t blame them. I would choose them over him any day. I can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong.


I was guessing about this internal reasons and feelings. That doesn't mean I think it's right, though.

He's betrayed you in a huge way. He's not a stand up, good man. 

I know what it's like to be betrayed and it's awful.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You're never going to know exactly why he's done what he's done. You may have an idea but at the end of the day it's an exercise in futility. Ultimately who cares why.

I know it's hard to do but who gives a damn what he thinks about you and what he says. Any man that truly loves his wife will look at her (after giving birth to his child) as even more beautiful then before. 

Sorry you're having to go through this nightmare but you'll get through it. Keep the faith!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BelleShelle said:


> He also called me fat yesterday. I’m maybe 25 lbs over what I was before kids. This young girl he’s with has got the perfect body, of course. and sure she has the perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect tan. She’s got time to do all of those things because she has nothing better to do with her time. I mean I don’t think I’ve let myself go. I’m still young and I don’t look old and frumpy but according to him I do. I feel so confused by all of these things he’s said to me lately. I don’t really know if they’re true or not anymore.
> 
> I haven’t begged him to not leave me for her though. I’ve maintained most of my dignity so far, I think. Part of me wishes he’d come home and beg me again and take all of the horrible things he’s said and done back, even though I know it wouldn’t be enough.


@BelleShelle , so sorry for what you are going through. I understand the difficulty of the sudden family but you have been a star, your WH on the other hand needs a good slap up the side of the head. Don’t take this POS back.

Tell everyone, friends, his family your family what he has done. Shame is a great motivator in Ireland esp.
go see a lawyer to see what your rights are. There are probably some organisations that can give you with free advice also.
is there some way you can get support in handling all the children, from a govt agency for example?
get std tested
your WH is an evil piece of work to undermine you with his hateful comments on your appearance, you have had 4 babies for goodness sake, what kind of shallow bastard is he? I’m sure his mammy will be delighted at his behaviour.
keep your chin up, the karma train will get him.
He will have to pay child support, get a good lawyer. I know your world is crumbling , get the support of your family and friends. You can do this. You are a wonderful mum to those beautiful children


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I hope you have exposed his affair to all friends and family! 
Be strong! File the papers needed to start the divorce. He checked out long ago.
Get a visitation schedule in place. He will need to take 4 kids as assigned by the court. 

Just wait until he and his OW are strapped for a weekend with 4 small kids. That will ring true some reality very quickly.

Whatever you do - don’t take him back! He doesn’t deserve you!


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to get temporary child visitation worked out. Let's see how long he's welcome to stay with her when they have the 4 kids over. Yes, he is going to be entitled to and have to be responsible for his offspring part of the time.
> 
> Anticipating the destruction of their love nest is making me a little giddy.


Funny thinking about them having to deal with 4 kids and my oldest daughter probably being able to better explain the triplets routine than their own father knows!

It really just makes me sad though because I don’t want to have to split time with my kids 50/50 because he decided that he doesn’t want us anymore. The little **** gets to play mommy to my kids and that hurts even worst than her sleeping with my husband. And yes I’ll call her whatever I want to call her. She didn’t cheat on me. My husband cheated on me. But she still knows that he’s married and that we have children. Everyone where he works knows that we just had triplets because that’s not really something that flies under the radar.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're definitely enough for a good boyfriend or H. You're present H is neither and doesn't deserve to keep you. His loss!


Thanks. I doubt I’ll be a hot commodity with all of my children in tow but luckily jumping in bed with a new person isn’t a concern of *mine* right now. In some of my worse moments of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself this week I have thought about how nobody will want me because apparently I’m unattractive and have 4 children and spend so much time focusing on my children that their own father doesn’t even want to be around any of us any more. I then felt very guilty for even being concerned about something like that and cried even more. I think I’ll swear off men for a very long time. I can’t imagine trusting somebody again.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Is your husband staying over at his side piece's home? How is he or isn't seeing his children? If he isn't spending time with children go to citizens advice and ask what help is available because your husband has abandoned you with new triplets and another young child and no money. You deserve so much better.


He’s staying with her. Me and the children are still in our home. He came by unannounced to get some clothes and things but he has not come by the visit the kids.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

We could be crass and take bets on how long she'll want to play 'mommy' to 4 kids. But, common sense tells us it won't be long.

Work out the visitation pronto.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I agree with your assessment of the OW. She didn’t make vows but willingly ruined your relationship. That’s slutty behavior. Do not talk to him. Do not give him a chance to insult you. Cut off all contact. Don’t give him the time of day.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He abandoned you. I wouldn’t let him be with the kids.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Question: did he call you fat to your face? Who the F betrays their wife like that and throws in “oh and you’re fat?????”. He seriously showed no signs of being an ahole before this?


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Question: did he call you fat to your face? Who the F betrays their wife like that and throws in “oh and you’re fat?????”. He seriously showed no signs of being an ahole before this?


When he came by unannounced to get some clothing and other things I had some choice words for him and what I thought of him and that “woman.” I couldn’t help myself. I wish I had just stayed quiet and not given him the satisfaction. He was smirking the entire time. It’s like this woman touched his knob and suddenly he’s better than everyone else! He told me he isn’t attracted to me anymore, she gives him attention and appreciates him (what?!), that I don’t spend time making myself look nice anymore and I’m fat and should lose some weight.

I’m a small person. I’m 152 cm which is just under 5 ft for those who don’t know. I do weight more now than I did but I used to weigh like 44 kgs. That’s not even 100 pounds for those Americans here. I weigh equivalent to about 125 pounds now. I’m not happy with it myself but I’m not obese and I don’t have flabby skin hanging over my pants or out anywhere for that matter. But he made me feel like I’ve turned into some sort of fat, flabby, frumpy old lady and I didn’t think I was that at all but now that’s all I can think about when I look at myself. I wish I could just ignore what he said but I admit that I can’t and it’s really been playing over and over in my head since he said it.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

I’ve found a free legal advice centre where I can go to speak with a volunteer lawyer to start. I am going to ring to make an appointment today since you apparently can’t make them online and the centre near me says no drop ins.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s horrible. Horrible. The fact that he did what he did after having babies is beyond words. Let him smirk, he has to live with himself. I’d bet when he’s alone with himself, he knows he’s a pile of ****. So the only thing he cares about are looks? Nice. Honestly I’d tell everyone what he did


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> When he came by unannounced to get some clothing and other things I had some choice words for him and what I thought of him and that “woman.” I couldn’t help myself. I wish I had just stayed quiet and not given him the satisfaction. He was smirking the entire time. It’s like this woman touched his knob and suddenly he’s better than everyone else! He told me he isn’t attracted to me anymore, she gives him attention and appreciates him (what?!), that I don’t spend time making myself look nice anymore and I’m fat and should lose some weight.
> 
> I’m a small person. I’m 152 cm which is just under 5 ft for those who don’t know. I do weight more now than I did but I used to weigh like 44 kgs. That’s not even 100 pounds for those Americans here. I weigh equivalent to about 125 pounds now. I’m not happy with it myself but I’m not obese and I don’t have flabby skin hanging over my pants or out anywhere for that matter. But he made me feel like I’ve turned into some sort of fat, flabby, frumpy old lady and I didn’t think I was that at all but now that’s all I can think about when I look at myself. I wish I could just ignore what he said but I admit that I can’t and it’s really been playing over and over in my head since he said it.


Cheaters love to re-write history to make themselves the innocent. "I had to cheat on you because you're not even trying." "She had babies and got fat, what else was I supposed to do than cheat?" "She spent time taking care of the children instead of focusing exclusively and only on me. She needs to be a wife FIRST, those kids don't matter as much as I do." He is attacking you because he is never responsible for anything that happens, it is ALWAYS someone else's fault. This is just cheaters justifying cheating. I know it's hurtful, I'm so sorry he did this. What a loser, he doesn't deserve you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Good for you. Show no mercy. Don’t fall for his crap. And do not speak to him anymore. That will get to him. He thinks he’s hot **** with a hot young thing. He looks like a jackass


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He’s horrible. Horrible. The fact that he did what he did after having babies is beyond words. Let him smirk, he has to live with himself. I’d bet when he’s alone with himself, he knows he’s a pile of ****. So the only thing he cares about are looks? Nice. Honestly I’d tell everyone what he did


He was never like this before. He’s never said mean things to me or about my appearance. We’ve been together since we were teenagers. We broke up a few times as teens over stupid teenager things but we’ve basically been together since then. This isn’t like him at all. He’s a different person. He was always so loving to me before. We did everything together. We don’t have a history of arguing or fights beyond just the normal small disagreements. I thought my life was as perfect as it could get for somebody like me but I was wrong.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Good for you. Show no mercy. Don’t fall for his crap. And do not speak to him anymore. That will get to him. He thinks he’s hot **** with a hot young thing. He looks like a jackass


I know _he_ should be embarrassed but why am I the one feeling embarrassed and ashamed? I don’t even want to go out of my house because I feel like everyone knows and is laughing at me.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I hate to say it but I wonder if he was sniffing around at work awhile. Anyway to find out?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> He was never like this before. He’s never said mean things to me or about my appearance. We’ve been together since we were teenagers. We broke up a few times as teens over stupid teenager things but we’ve basically been together since then. This isn’t like him at all. He’s a different person. He was always so loving to me before. We did everything together. We don’t have a history of arguing or fights beyond just the normal small disagreements. I thought my life was as perfect as it could get for somebody like me but I was wrong.


He has fallen for someone else and has replaced you in his mind and heart with her. Love and lust are powerful. I've been with my wife since we were teens. While still a teen we broke up once and another girl pursued me hard. It was scary how fast the person I had been in love with for nearly two years started to fade as I felt an infatuation with that new person. Thankfully I snapped out of it and realized how genuinely in love I was with my future wife. Sadly your husband went completely over the edge of that cliff and there is no coming back.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

They aren’t laughing at you. If anything they think he’s a douche


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> I know _he_ should be embarrassed but why am I the one feeling embarrassed and ashamed? I don’t even want to go out of my house because I feel like everyone knows and is laughing at me.


No one is laughing. He is rewriting history to make himself feel good about what he is doing. That means he knows what he is doing is wrong. Try your best to hold your head up. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> I know _he_ should be embarrassed but why am I the one feeling embarrassed and ashamed? I don’t even want to go out of my house because I feel like everyone knows and is laughing at me.


Because you're human and he betrayed you. It's natural to feel humiliated. Trust me, no one is laughing at you. When it comes out what he's done, no one whose company you ever would want to keep is going to think he isn't the bad guy here. You've done nothing wrong, that's why he has to keep being so hateful to you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> I know _he_ should be embarrassed but why am I the one feeling embarrassed and ashamed? I don’t even want to go out of my house because I feel like everyone knows and is laughing at me.


As a fellow Irish person I know people are not laughing even his family will think he is the lowest form of life , this has been a huge change in your life to think it was only about a month ago you posted here first , and never fully expected this .

There was times you even thought you were going mad , 
YOU NEED to get help , a lot has changed from the time I used to live there , but there is help , 
Has his family contacted you , it is a very sad time for you


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How tall is your husband and how much does he weigh (in pounds, please)?


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> He was never like this before. He’s never said mean things to me or about my appearance. We’ve been together since we were teenagers. We broke up a few times as teens over stupid teenager things but we’ve basically been together since then. This isn’t like him at all. He’s a different person. He was always so loving to me before. We did everything together. We don’t have a history of arguing or fights beyond just the normal small disagreements. I thought my life was as perfect as it could get for somebody like me but I was wrong.


His level of selfishness is extreme. There is no way this side of him has just popped up out of nowhere. I bet if you look back over the years there were signs of it before now. Maybe a tantrum here or there? Or perhaps times where his focus was clearly on himself and how he'd benefit from a situation?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

BelleShelle said:


> I feel like everyone knows and is laughing at me.


We're not laughing. 

You probably answered this, but have you had other sexual relationships before him?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The problem obviously lies with him and not with you. He’ll find out soon enough that he can’t run away from it although he may spend his life trying to.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

BelleShelle said:


> He was never like this before. He’s never said mean things to me or about my appearance. We’ve been together since we were teenagers. We broke up a few times as teens over stupid teenager things but we’ve basically been together since then. This isn’t like him at all. He’s a different person. He was always so loving to me before. We did everything together. We don’t have a history of arguing or fights beyond just the normal small disagreements. I thought my life was as perfect as it could get for somebody like me but I was wrong.


He may not have been like this before… but this is who he is now.
Expose his cheating to all family and friends! They need to know what he’s doing to you… you need support around you!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

😞


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> He may not have been like this before… but this is who he is now.
> Expose his cheating to all family and friends! They need to know what he’s doing to you… you need support around you!


What am I supposed to do? Text everyone we know? My family knows. I haven’t told his. I’m not about to put it out there on social media. I’d like to announce it publicly at their workplace 🤔


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> We're not laughing.
> 
> You probably answered this, but have you had other sexual relationships before him?


No, he’s the only man I’ve ever been with. The most I’ve ever done with another guy is kiss, prior to being with him of course).


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Hell yes you tell his family. Seriously? He’s banging other women and abandoning you. You bet your ass mom and dad need to know about their son. Like now. Immediately.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

And you tell them you married innocent and he’s an adulterer. I guarantee he’s telling them you’re awful


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Honestly I’d call and say “ your son moved out to bang his slur coworker, don’t try to contact him here he left his kids”


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Not said:


> His level of selfishness is extreme. There is no way this side of him has just popped up out of nowhere. I bet if you look back over the years there were signs of it before now. Maybe a tantrum here or there? Or perhaps times where his focus was clearly on himself and how he'd benefit from a situation?


I noticed a change progressively happen since my pregnancy with the triplets, so it’s about 2 years since I first noticed to get where we are now. It was very gradual. He has always been into appearance and looks but he never criticized me before.

During my first pregnancy he was so sweet, attentive, and loving. He would do anything for me and he seemed just as happy as I was. And afterwards I felt like our love for each other just grew even more and instead of the stereotypical decline in sex after baby I feel like our sex life got even better. I loved seeing him be a father to our baby, it was very attractive to me.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> How tall is your husband and how much does he weigh (in pounds, please)?


In US terms he’s 5 ft 10 and around 160 lbs. why?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He wasn’t into the triplets at all. That’s a red flag. And a.guy super obsessed with looks is also not cool. He wanted a life of convenience while accepting compliments for his gorgeous kids. Shallow V man syndrome. If you made him look good he loved you. When it wasn’t about him, he moved on. Immature shallow guy


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BelleShelle said:


> In US terms he’s 5 ft 10 and around 160 lbs. why?


If he comments on your appearance again, tell him that you're about to lose 160 pounds of ugly fat. Don't take his insults lying down. And, get his mama involved.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

File for divorce and request spousal support and child support for four kids!

That ought to show him what he’s really done to his future.

He will likely have to pay you a bunch in monthly support funds.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Just tell him that sex with him has been unfulfilling because his size is inadequate. It doesn’t matter what his size is unless he’s unnaturally large. Men don’t like women talking bad about their junk.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Just tell him that sex with him has been unfulfilling because his size is inadequate. It doesn’t matter what his size is unless he’s unnaturally large. Men don’t like women talking bad about their junk.


I don’t want it to become all about us throwing made up insults are each other just to make the other person feel bad and maybe ourselves feel a tiny bit better.

Anyway, I doubt he’ll care what I think about his size as long as he’s got her sucking it.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> File for divorce and request spousal support and child support for four kids!
> 
> That ought to show him what he’s really done to his future.
> 
> He will likely have to pay you a bunch in monthly support funds.


I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do right now but I’ve got an appointment next week to talk to somebody at the free legal advice centre just to see all my options.

He texted me this morning to say sorry he was broke and he will try to get all our our household bills paid but he can’t give me anything else right now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How does he expect you to provide food for his 4 children? You have got to get some legal representation so he can't just leave you and the kids in the lurch.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Well of course that’s what he will say. Girlfriends are expensive, and he doesn’t want to waste money on his old life, he wants to start a new one as though he were 22. Get a lawyer. Today.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

His family is now aware. They are not happy. It sounds like they had no clue and at least like he hasn’t been badmouthing me to them. He just wanted to leave them in the dark for as long as possible. His mother is sending me money which makes me feel horrible but she will not let me refuse it. His brother has already contacted me to ask exactly where he is and I think he’s ready go find him and beat him up. My insides are burning so bad I think I might develop an ulcer. I’ve already committed twice today.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> His family is now aware. They are not happy. It sounds like they had no clue and at least like he hasn’t been badmouthing me to them. He just wanted to leave them in the dark for as long as possible. His mother is sending me money which makes me feel horrible but she will not let me refuse it. His brother has already contacted me to ask exactly where he is and I think he’s ready go find him and beat him up. My insides are burning so bad I think I might develop an ulcer. I’ve already committed twice today.


I’m so glad they’re being kind. Let his mother help you. As a boy mom, if my son did this to the mother of his children I would be sending money, gifts, a puppy… then I would find my boy and make fire rain down from the sky. 🤬 Bless your heart, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Remember this is HIS flaw, not yours, and this isn’t the end of anything, it the beginning of your new and better life. ❤


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

I loaded all of the kids up and went to the bank and withdrew €300, which is the daily ATM limit. I will go back tomorrow and do the same thing. It’s as much as I can get out right now since I can’t go inside to request more until they open next week.

I passed a pawn shop and considered getting rid of my wedding rings. They mean nothing anymore. I couldn’t do it yet. Plus I can get more if I sell them another way.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

BelleShelle said:


> I loaded all of the kids up and went to the bank and withdrew €300, which is the daily ATM limit. I will go back tomorrow and do the same thing. It’s as much as I can get out right now since I can’t go inside to request more until they open next week.
> 
> I passed a pawn shop and considered getting rid of my wedding rings. They mean nothing anymore. I couldn’t do it yet. Plus I can get more if I sell them another way.


My wedding rings are buried somewhere in CA.. about 2 years later a friend sent me a picture of them (I forgot that I gave them to him to hold)... He said, I'm moving.. you want these back? I said, weren't you redoing the yard?? He said yes and I said.. bury that sh&t.

I am so glad you told his family... and I am glad you're taking the minimum out everyday as you can. Little miss good for nothing and him will soon be reaping what they are sowing. The grass being green is spray painted that color right now, but that color will soon wash away.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> His mother is sending me money which makes me feel horrible but she will not let me refuse it.


She's not taking care of you. She's taking care of her grandchildren because her son's a bag of ****s and isn't doing it himself. Think of it that way. It's not about you.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

He discovered that I took money out of the account and he called me a name I can’t say on here. I said yeah I am and then I went back today and did it again. It felt really good doing it today, just imagining him being so mad at me taking €600 out of the account. I stood there at the ATM laughing honestly. It might be because I’m going a bit mad at this point but I had a big smile on my face as I withdrew that money.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> He discovered that I took money out of the account and he called me a name I can’t say on here. I said yeah I am and then I went back today and did it again. It felt really good doing it today, just imagining him being so mad at me taking €600 out of the account. I stood there at the ATM laughing honestly. It might be because I’m going a bit mad at this point but I had a big smile on my face as I withdrew that money.


He wants that cash for his girlfriend. Men have been using money to control women for, well, always. Those are HIS children too. He doesn’t get to just abandon them because he’s decided he needs to sow oats or whatever. Adults have responsibilities whether they like it or not, and you’re not his servant, his property or his inferior. Stand up for yourself and your kids.


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He wants that cash for his girlfriend. Men have been using money to control women for, well, always. Those are HIS children too. He doesn’t get to just abandon them because he’s decided he needs to sow oats or whatever. Adults have responsibilities whether they like it or not, and you’re not his servant, his property or his inferior. Stand up for yourself and your kids.


He was so mad and said he told me he’d pay all of the bills so there was no need for me to take the money out. I told him he said he’d _try_ to pay all of the bills and that he couldn’t give me anything more and that wasn’t good enough. I don’t care about money itself but I care about being able to provide for my children. Him spending money on her and saying he would try to pay all of our household bills was probably a bigger betrayal than anything he’s done so far because even if he hates me now how could he do that to his own kids? I’m actually becoming frightened of this new evil person he is. As bad as it may sound I wish I had just pretended to be oblivious to the changes in him and his behavior. I wish I would not have snooped and confronted him and just gone on pretending. I don’t think this would be happening now if I hadn’t found things out and made it known that I was aware. I feel responsible for the situation now. It was easier just to pretend.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No it’s not easier. He would have left you in the cold


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> He was so mad and said he told me he’d pay all of the bills so there was no need for me to take the money out. I told him he said he’d _try_ to pay all of the bills and that he couldn’t give me anything more and that wasn’t good enough. I don’t care about money itself but I care about being able to provide for my children. Him spending money on her and saying he would try to pay all of our household bills was probably a bigger betrayal than anything he’s done so far because even if he hates me now how could he do that to his own kids? I’m actually becoming frightened of this new evil person he is. As bad as it may sound I wish I had just pretended to be oblivious to the changes in him and his behavior. I wish I would not have snooped and confronted him and just gone on pretending. I don’t think this would be happening now if I hadn’t found things out and made it known that I was aware. I feel responsible for the situation now. It was easier just to pretend.


It may seem like it was easier, but it was eating at your soul. This evil would have come out eventually, the difference is he would have had time to ensure you had ZERO way to support the children. He was not planning to pay any bills. I know it seems so dark now, so overwhelming. The way you feel right now is what he wants you to feel: lost and afraid and dependent on him. He wants control so he can hurt you and the kids; be sure you tell your lawyer he’s trying to keep you from accessing money to support the children, that he is cutting them off as well. His attorney will advise him against doing that and it will get easier. It may be socially acceptable to do this to your wife, but only the most red-pill, manosphere, NMMNG, MGTOW extremists would support abandoning his children too.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

And tell him he will never speak to you like that. Save it for his ho


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## BelleShelle (7 mo ago)

One of the things that hurts the most is that he’s never indicated he loves her or that they’re in love with each other. He’s just left me to bed a woman who has probably slept with half the town already. All she does is post sexy barely clothed pics of herself online. He’s left his family for that? He just wants to be with a dense ***** desperate for male attention?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BelleShelle said:


> One of the things that hurts the most is that he’s never indicated he loves her or that they’re in love with each other. He’s just left me to bed a woman who has probably slept with half the town already. All she does is post sexy barely clothed pics of herself online. He’s left his family for that? He just wants to be with a dense *** desperate for male attention?


She’s exciting.

My husband told me once that while a stripper is sexy and exciting at 2 am, at 9 am you’re waking up with an emotionally damaged hooker with a coke problem and daddy issues who despite making a lot of money can’t seem to manage to pay her bills. Trust me, the gild on this particular lily is going to tarnish, and soon, and he will come crawling back to you full of fake remorse. I know how hard this is; you’re strong, stay the course and speak to him only through your attorneys.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm actually *laughing* at some of the responses here that he "might be" or "could be" cheating on you. Yes, all men who are SALARIED work extra hours at night to "earn more money" for their large families.
> 
> 
> And all HONEST men with INTEGRITY change their phone passwords and refuse to let their wives see their phones and protect them and guard them like a watchdog.
> ...


Well, the first part is not necessarily true. Many salaried individuals have a bonus situation, or a salaried individual may be working hard in order to get a promotion or ask for a raise. So I'm going to say this observation is not meaningful.

I do agree that the change in passwords and phone guarding is very suspicious. Especially since it is a change. I'm 100% on board with you there.

The private bank account issue depends on how they had their finances before. Many couples maintain separate finances, with some agreement on how to pay for shared expenses. So whether this is suspicious or not depends on what their own arrangement is.


Although, note I am just commenting on whether the behaviors above are suspicious in and of themselves. Further reading in the thread did show that in this particular case, the husband is cheating.


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## bobprophet (6 mo ago)

Out them to all. Who leaves his wife and 4 young children for a wh***? Let people know just what kind of people those two are. Maybe a little peer pressure will help things a bit.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

BelleShelle said:


> He discovered that I took money out of the account and he called me a name I can’t say on here. I said yeah I am and then I went back today and did it again. It felt really good doing it today, just imagining him being so mad at me taking €600 out of the account. I stood there at the ATM laughing honestly. It might be because I’m going a bit mad at this point but I had a big smile on my face as I withdrew that money.


This has me laughing as well... 🤣

I remember when I tried to do that with my now exH... the next day he "accidently" canceled my card.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

@BelleShelle 

Hi... just checking to make sure you're doing ok.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You


BelleShelle said:


> No, he’s the only man I’ve ever been with. The most I’ve ever done with another guy is kiss, prior to being with him of course).


Your husband’s total betrayal has your mind working overtime trying to come up with a solution to this problem, even if it means you feel badly about yourself. A woman that had only been with him (he never had to worry about you comparing him to anyone), loyal only to him, a totally trustworthy and living wife——

make no mistake..... a good man would TREASURE such a wife. Yours has not.

my ex wife told me the same type of things your husband has told you, except in my heart I know I wasn’t a perfect husband and that made me even more susceptible to feeling I was lower than dirt. She has since had to eat almost all of those words.

Your husband will with 99.9% Probability eat all of his. It is highly unlikely (basically impossible since she knew he was married and pursued him) his affair partner will turn out to be a person that makes him happy in the long run and he will want you back.

please save up an emphatic hell no for him when he does. In the mean time, do what you’re doing and get an attorney and get loose from this anchor around your neck.

Let me say again: All the nonsense he spouted about you being fat and unattractive? Remember his perspective of you when other men are lusting after you hungrily, which I assure you will happen.

This stuff is incredibly hurtful. Just know you aren’t the first to experience it and we do truly know how it turns out. And it will turn out that you will be happy again and he won’t. You know why? Because you know how to be happy and content, and he doesn’t.
Any man of substance and wisdom will recognize you for the jewel you are, and will treat you as such. You’ll be so happy that this fool let you go. One day you’ll see this as the gift it really is.


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