# Is it normal for a married couple to go on trips/vacations separately



## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. Is it normal in a marriage to go on trips separately? For instance, this year, at work I have not been able to take vacation during the summer because we are implementing a new System in place. My vacation is being put on hold. My sister's wife, who lives in another state invited the both of us to a wedding she is in with her best friend. I could not end up taking vacation so we decided that my wife go by herself. Do you think this is normal in a healthy marriage? Or do you think should have said to me, "I know you can't take vacation now at work, so what I will do is instead of leaving for the wedding on Wed I will only attend during the weekend." The wedding is a Friday night wedding. I understand that she is not only going up for the wedding, but to spend time with her sister as well, and also see her cousins which she has not seen in about 1 year.

I will paint a cleaner picture so you can all understand where I am coming from and what my situation may be. My wife has always been very close to her family. She has always made time for her family. I on the other hand have grown up with very little family because my parents and I don't have much family living in the United States. 

So I guess you can say I have come to ask the question if married couples should take vacations by themselves? My wife tells me she is perfectly happy with me if I decide to visit my friend who lives out of state, etc.

To be honest, I got this whole notion that "married couples can't take separate" vacations from a few older people as well as my parents. My thinking is they are coming from a standpoint that they are more conservative in nature and more family guided I guess? I really can't put it to words?

Any advice and opinions? If you don't understand something or need more explanation, please let me know and I will be happy to provide it.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi gimpstl, welcome to TAM.

I hope my experience helps you with this...

My H and I are British, moved to the US East Coast almost 7 years ago, for my husbands work. Been very happy but i do miss my family, who are all in the UK. Husband is not as close to his family, but he does have relatives across the UK, US, Canada, Jamaica and Australia!

I have taken a few trips on my own to visit family in the UK. This has worked for us for a few reasons...i get to sit and chat with my old Dad (85 but more like 65) and my Mum, without H's eyes starting to glaze over LOL....i see my oldest best friend (met 30 years ago) and we go shop together...while my H works and takes care of our son. Due mostly to cost i only do this usually once a year.

My husband has taken a few trips without me, like to a sporting event i have no interest in, or a road trip to drive fast cars on a race track etc. No interest for me, and i would cramp his enjoyment.

I am also going to the UK for a long weekend in September to my nieces wedding, hubby needs to be here for our son who starts High School the week i leave.

I would only be concerned if he started taking lots of 'male only' trips with buddies to places like Vegas, and deliberately excluding me...then i might think something was up!

I also would never take what i call a real vacation without him, such as a week on a beach, because...well, i just wouldnt want to, and i wouldnt want him to either. But i dont think you are talking about that kind of vacation?

I suggest you do what works for you and your wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd be concerned if it happened "all the time", and you never took vacations together. But the situation you're talking about seems like a great compromise.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

This trip isn't what I would call a vacation. Going to see family isn't a vacation. 

Part of this depends on the length of the trip. If she is leaving on Wednesday and returning on Sunday, then I don't see a problem. If she is going for a couple of weeks and using all her vacation time, then I might have an issue.

I have gone on a few one week golf trips with buddies. My wife has gone for a few long weekends with girl friends. We do these things because we also have two or three weeks of vacation time together each year on top of that.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'd be concerned if it happened "all the time", and you never took vacations together. But the situation you're talking about seems like a great compromise.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Every marriage is different, who is to say whats normal?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree, that's a trip not a vacation. It's not like she's going to some tropical island by herself to just have fun. It's about family. I think it's perfectly fine, it should make a good marriage stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

great advice thanks...



FRANC said:


> Hi gimpstl, welcome to TAM.
> 
> I hope my experience helps you with this...
> 
> ...


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

what do you consider to be "all the time"?

Well, for the last 8-10 months we have not really been able to take vacations together because my vacations are on hold at work.



PBear said:


> I'd be concerned if it happened "all the time", and you never took vacations together. But the situation you're talking about seems like a great compromise.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

well its more than just going to see family. My wife is also going to a wedding her sister is going to be in.

to me a vacation is any time I spend away from "home". For example, if I am going to see a college football game, and spending a few days in my old college stomping grounds...that is a vacation to me.

She is leaving Wed mid day and returning Monday afternoon. Vacation time for her is not the issue, its more of an issue for me, she has plenty of vacation time.

The problem is we don't have the "income" yet to be able to support "multiple vacations or get aways"



SadSamIAm said:


> This trip isn't what I would call a vacation. Going to see family isn't a vacation.
> 
> Part of this depends on the length of the trip. If she is leaving on Wednesday and returning on Sunday, then I don't see a problem. If she is going for a couple of weeks and using all her vacation time, then I might have an issue.
> 
> I have gone on a few one week golf trips with buddies. My wife has gone for a few long weekends with girl friends. We do these things because we also have two or three weeks of vacation time together each year on top of that.


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

To be honest, about this vacation thing...my mom and dad kind of put this in my head...or trying to influence me....that they are bothered by my wife taking "separate vacations". Maybe they are trying to instill in me their own style of marriage they have.



wiigirl said:


> Every marriage is different, who is to say whats normal?


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

The big difference here is that I grew up mostly alone and without family besides my parents. I have one brother who is 13 years apart in age with me. So I guess you can say "all this family stuff is new and un familiar to me".





diwali123 said:


> I agree, that's a trip not a vacation. It's not like she's going to some tropical island by herself to just have fun. It's about family. I think it's perfectly fine, it should make a good marriage stronger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When we first started out, our vacations were very inexpensive. We bought a tent for $60 and went camping for 10 days. Very fond memories of that trip. Was very inexpensive.

Now that you bring money into the discussion it gets a bit cloudy. If you can hardly eat and pay your bills, then maybe she shouldn't be going.

If you can afford her trip, then I say, let her go. Make sure you spend vacation time together though when you get a chance.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I honestly don't think a 5 day trip for an event and to catch up with family and friends once in a blue moon is any sort of problem. 

If affordability is the issue, then that's something else of course

I think there are couples who promote never spending a night apart but I don't actually know any myself and most of my circle take the odd trip without their spouse for lots of different reasons


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds to me like you just need to smile and nod at your parents and then just throw their 'advice' out the bloody window. Sheesh. They're laying a guilt trip on you when they shouldn't be.

A wedding is not a 'vacation'. A vacation is when you go somewhere to relax and unwind, see the sights, do touristy things. You can take a vacation WITH your family, but going to see your family where they live and attending a wedding of theirs is not a vacation. Extending the wedding by a couple of days on either side isn't a vacation either.

If your wife was traipsing off to tropical islands without you then I'd say yeah, that's not good. But this? Nope. Not to worry.

Just last week I went camping with my parents on Wed and hubby didn't join me till Fri, because he has no more vacation time at work. I missed him terribly and hated doing it, but I did it for my parents. I haven't gone anywhere without hubby since summer 2010.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

gimpstl said:


> To be honest, about this vacation thing...my mom and dad kind of put this in my head...or trying to influence me....that they are bothered by my wife taking "separate vacations". Maybe they are trying to instill in me their own style of marriage they have.


Well, there's your problem. Stop listening to your mom and dad.

There's nothing wrong with this, it's not like she's going off to a Club Med resort for two weeks. She's going to a family wedding.

Now - what's up that your parents are trying to sow discord in your marriage? I'd be more concerned about that, honestly.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm... You do need to make time together a priority, and even weekend getaways are better than nothing. IMHO. Find low costs things to do, if money is an issue. Been there, done that. 

So to answer your original question, as asked... No, I don't think spouses need to do EVERY holiday together. But I would add that they definitely should do some holidays together. If that means sacrificing college football trips and doing a local bed & breakfast, then suck it up, buttercup.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yep, don't listen to your parents. Your wife shouldn't miss a family event because you can't go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Never until I married STBXW! It was standard operating procedure with her.

In the last two years, however, it was largely propogated, in my opinion, for her to go see OM, or when sending me off on one, largely opened the door for OM to either come see her or for her to go visit him.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

gimpstl said:


> My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. Is it normal in a marriage to go on trips separately? For instance, this year, at work I have not been able to take vacation during the summer because we are implementing a new System in place. My vacation is being put on hold. My sister's wife, who lives in another state invited the both of us to a wedding she is in with her best friend. I could not end up taking vacation so we decided that my wife go by herself. Do you think this is normal in a healthy marriage? Or do you think should have said to me, "I know you can't take vacation now at work, so what I will do is instead of leaving for the wedding on Wed I will only attend during the weekend." The wedding is a Friday night wedding. I understand that she is not only going up for the wedding, but to spend time with her sister as well, and also see her cousins which she has not seen in about 1 year.
> 
> I will paint a cleaner picture so you can all understand where I am coming from and what my situation may be. My wife has always been very close to her family. She has always made time for her family. I on the other hand have grown up with very little family because my parents and I don't have much family living in the United States.
> 
> ...


I agree with the poster who says seeing family is not really a vacation. I cannot stand my husbands son. His son is very rude to me. He and his wife live in Boston so my husband will go there alone to visit them. While I would love to sightsee in Boston his son always ruins the trip for me and so does my husband. I would rather stay home.

Now if we went on a cruise by ourselves I certainly would go with him!


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

My husband and I take separate vacations at least once a year, but we also vacation together at least once a year.

We both work jobs that don't allow for really long vacations, so instead we each get several mini-vacations of 4-5 days. I like to scrapbook, so each year I go to at least one scrapbook retreat, either alone or with a friend or my sisters-in-law. My husband likes NASCAR, but I don't, so he goes to a race each year with his brothers and our son. Neither of us mind when the other takes time to relax without us, because we know that "absence makes the heart grow fonder", and there are plenty of times when we go on trips together. A little time apart makes us appreciate each other all the more, and we both know that there isn't any need to worry about any cheating or anything like that. 

We believe that a couple needs separate interests and time spent apart as well as common interests and time spent together to have a happy, long term relationship. We've been married 22 years and it's worked for us so far.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My wife has done it quite a few times.
But , she goes with either my mother or her [ my wife ]best friend.
I have known this friend even before we were married.
They are accustomed going on cruises etc.
She travels a lot with my mom.
So I have nothing to worry about.
Recently she told me she wanted to visit another island with another one of her female friend [ who I don't trust ] and I told her I was not comfortable. She tried to assure me,but my mind was set against it. 
So I promised her that I will carry her later this year.
She was cool with that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Is it normal for a married couple to go on trips/vacations separately


 I would think this is very normal for special occasions, out with the girls, a woman's retreat, family, once in a blue moon or the Guys get together to go hunting, fishing, some activity he is involved in...

As for our marriage, we really love the togetherness. Always been this way.... we have no desire whatsoever to go anywhere without the other..overnight. We heartily enjoy the ball & chain. 

I've had many opportunities over the yrs to go on little trips with GF's but never cared to go -He would let me go- no problem. He tells me he can hardly sleep when I am not home, if I come in late, he never went to sleep! But it just ain't my cup of tea. I'd rather be with my man, or even a little family vacation. We wouldn't waste them on friends or extended family - or we'd be together while joining them. My husbands motto to questions like this is... 
"Why get married if you don't want to be together all the time".....he has said this a # of times and I am happy he feels that way, cause I think just like him!

The only time he has went anywhere in our 22 yr marraige, spending nights away from me ...was work related training for a week. I missed him so much!

I think we are a little extreme on the togetherness front though....but it works very well for us .  Just cause others think that is not healthy - we know this is not true, every couple is different, just like getting away without your spouse is OK too, it just isn't something we JUMP at. We'd rather do it all together.


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

Honestly, I don't think either of us would like to do a camping vacation. I like staying at the Holiday Inn. 

Its hardly to the point where we can't hardly eat and pay our bills.





SadSamIAm said:


> When we first started out, our vacations were very inexpensive. We bought a tent for $60 and went camping for 10 days. Very fond memories of that trip. Was very inexpensive.
> 
> Now that you bring money into the discussion it gets a bit cloudy. If you can hardly eat and pay your bills, then maybe she shouldn't be going.
> 
> If you can afford her trip, then I say, let her go. Make sure you spend vacation time together though when you get a chance.


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

So let me ask you this...what do you consider a blue moon to be? What time frame are we talking about?





YellowRoses said:


> I honestly don't think a 5 day trip for an event and to catch up with family and friends once in a blue moon is any sort of problem.
> 
> If affordability is the issue, then that's something else of course
> 
> I think there are couples who promote never spending a night apart but I don't actually know any myself and most of my circle take the odd trip without their spouse for lots of different reasons


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

The problem is they may feel like they can lay out the guilt trip on me because I always tell them how to live their lives and how to act "more American". They have also helped me financially at times so I guess they figure they have a right to give me their opinion. They just said they don't want to seem get hurt or let my wife take advantage of me and treat me like a dog, in so many words.

Again, anytime I get a chance to leave my home town for an extended period of time, besides having to do it for work purposes, is a vacation for me.





Hope1964 said:


> Sounds to me like you just need to smile and nod at your parents and then just throw their 'advice' out the bloody window. Sheesh. They're laying a guilt trip on you when they shouldn't be.
> 
> A wedding is not a 'vacation'. A vacation is when you go somewhere to relax and unwind, see the sights, do touristy things. You can take a vacation WITH your family, but going to see your family where they live and attending a wedding of theirs is not a vacation. Extending the wedding by a couple of days on either side isn't a vacation either.
> 
> ...


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

honestly, its not really a family wedding. Her sister has a friend and thats who the wedding is for.

I don't think my parents are showing discord or anything, its more that they are giving their own opinion, and want me to be happy. Its how they lived and being married for 40 years, I figure they know what they are talking about? I think they have a right to do it because I always give them grief about how they are living their lives so I think this may be a pay back of sorts. 



lamaga said:


> Well, there's your problem. Stop listening to your mom and dad.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with this, it's not like she's going off to a Club Med resort for two weeks. She's going to a family wedding.
> 
> Now - what's up that your parents are trying to sow discord in your marriage? I'd be more concerned about that, honestly.


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## gimpstl (Jul 4, 2012)

there is no question that we have spent many vacations together and have enjoyed many great outings, etc. Its just that in the last 8-10 months, things for me have been hectic at work and I have not been able to take off the time I would like. 



PBear said:


> Hmmm... You do need to make time together a priority, and even weekend getaways are better than nothing. IMHO. Find low costs things to do, if money is an issue. Been there, done that.
> 
> So to answer your original question, as asked... No, I don't think spouses need to do EVERY holiday together. But I would add that they definitely should do some holidays together. If that means sacrificing college football trips and doing a local bed & breakfast, then suck it up, buttercup.
> 
> ...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

well, gimp, you've gotten a lot of answers and a lot of perspectives here -- it's up to you now.


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## wimps30 (Jul 6, 2012)

This sounds fun, sometimes couples' vacation time cannot align up. I don't consider seeing family a vacation. Some times I want to visit my parents and my wife doesn't want to use her limited vacation time (i have more than her).


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