# Wife spends the night at another man's house



## Aragorn

Hi,

I was wondering what is everyone's feeling about letting your spouse spending the night at the house of someone of the opposite sex.

1 What are your thoughts on this subject in general?

2. Under the following circumstances would you still do it?

My wife's female best friend moved out and her husband let's call him John stays behind in order to wrap things up with the house and his job.

We cannot do yardsale where we live and John happens to be doing a yardsale in order to clear some stuff out.

My wife will do a yard sale at John's place since we cannot do it where we live.

On Friday my wife tells me that she needs to go over to his place to prepare all the prices and have everything ready to start early.
She leaves around 8pm. By 10pm, she calls me saying that she has been drinking and that I should come over. I told her that I would pass as I didn't feel like loading the kids in the car just to have a few drinks.
A little bit latter, she calls me and asked if she could spend the night since it is late and they are going to start setting up all the signs early.
I felt convinced by her that it would be a good idea since she had been drinking and it would save time and sleep, so I told her that it was okay to sleep at his place even though his wife had moved out of state for a month now.

The question is, would you still do it under these circumstances?

When I woke up the next, I felt like I made the wrong decision.

*Urgent update:
She confessed to having cheated on Friday the 23rd but only that one night... She said that she did not go there with the intent to cheat. The guy took her to the store and bought some alcohol. They were chatting and decided to have a few drinks. After a few drinks he started playing the guitar and she joined him by singing and as they talked more one thing led to another...
She slept with him without any protection!!! She doesn't remember all the details as she was drunk and it was an accident.

She also said that if I had picked up her up maybe it would not have happen with him, but she admitted that it's very possible that she would have cheated in the future.*

Regards,

Aragorn


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## okeydokie

Not a chance in hell. She has kids and a husband at home, but goes to another mans house and starts drinking? She did ask you to come get her, i guess, and i think i would have been right over there to get her.


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## greeneyeddolphin

Personally, I would not be happy if my boyfriend spent the night at another woman's house. On the other hand, she told you to come over, and you refused. What other options did she have? She told you she'd been drinking, and you didn't go over there? Yes, I suppose she could have called a cab, but then you could be complaining about the money spent on a cab and having to get up early to take her back over there. 

That's my initial take on it. After some more thinking, in order to honestly answer your questions, I need to ask a couple of my own. 

1. You say your wife's best friend "moved out" and this is the best friend's husband. You then mention the best friend having left the state. Are best friend and hubby still together and simply moving out of state, or are they separating? The reason I ask this is that this is your wife's best friend's husband. If they are still together, unless your wife is a really horrible person, I highly doubt she's going to jeopardize her friendship to sleep with her friend's husband. As a general rule, we women don't mess with our friend's men, or ex-men. Now, if the friend and her hubby are splitting up, I suppose it could be possible that your wife and her hubby are hooking up, but really...I doubt it. 

2. Has your wife ever given you reason to not trust her? If she hasn't, then why are you so worried? I'll be honest, I've been cheated on by numerous ex-boyfriends and my ex-husband. So, it's really easy for me to take a missed phone call or a lack of contact for a day and turn it into my boyfriend is cheating on me, banging some waitress somewhere. But...he's NEVER done anything to make me think he would do that. He's NEVER cheated, NEVER lied, NEVER done anything that could even be remotely termed dishonest or vague. He's very honest, very straightforward. So, when those doubts begin to enter my head, I remind myself of all the "nevers" and force the doubts to go away, because I know they're unfounded. And unless your wife has given you reason to think she can't be trusted, I think that's what you need to do: remind yourself that she's never cheated, never lied, and so on. If you can't do that, then one of two things has happened: either she has done something to earn your distrust and you're pretending otherwise, or you have some serious issues of your own to work on.


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## Amplexor

Aragorn said:


> 2. Under the following circumstances would you still do it?


NFW Bad Plan!


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## Chris Taylor

Drinking and an overnight stay?

No way. Irresponsible on her part to be drinking and unable to get home and call you at 10 p.m.


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## MyDog8em

I would in no way be ok with this. I would question why she started drinking in the 1st place and 2ndly, I would've gone right over there when she asked. Not because I don't trust my W, but since you never really said how well you know the husband, whose to say he wouldn't slip her a 'mickey'? You never know and I wouldn't allow my W to be put in a situation that could bring her harm.


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## dblkman

yeah that is one situation where you should have "sucked it up" and packed up the kids and went to get your wife. The if for any other reason than she had been drinking and we all know what "can" happen when too much alcohol is consumed.


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## Stardust

No matter the circumstances, my answer would be NO. 

They should have cut down on the drinking too.


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## CH

No, wife does not sleep over at another man's house by herself unless it's her father, brother or my parent's house.

No exceptions.


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## Aragorn

I do regret my decision and I should have loaded my three and one year old in the car, but now I can never go back...

Do you guys think it's okay for a spouse to even sleep over in general? My wife has told me last week that she intends to do sleep over at her gay friend's place who is moving downtown.

To atruckersgirl, 

To question 1: I do not know why her best friend had to move out so suddenly a month ago. The story that I was told is that they were no longer happy to live here. My wife has not been able to reach best friend on the phone for month since she last move.

To question 2:
Two years ago my wife introduced some doubts in the marriage when she told me that she was going out clubbing with some girls. In reality, I found out when I looked at the phone record that it was a guy that she went with. She had deleted the calls, but I was able to retrieve them through my phone carrier. That night, my wife came home at 5am!

Now back to 2010. 
I started getting nervous about the sleeping over incident when she told me that she sold only two dollars where as she normally sells a lot more(did they even do a yardsale?). My wife normally post on craiglist, but I never found it.
On Sunday, I went to see my mom with the kids. She calls me and said that she had gone over to John to pick up some remaining things from the yardsale.
During last week, she called John everyday especially on Monday and Wednesday where she is home alone as my mom watches the kids.

In addition, my wife has been distant and argumentative a lot last week. I don't think I have ever been so unhappy in this marriage.
She also seem to have the mommy crisis. She said that she needs to spend more time with her friends and that she needs to be going out more.

By the way, I did confront her last weekend, but she maintains that nothing happen and she sees John only like a brother that she can talk to. She also said that it is ridiculous for me to think that she would cheat with the husband of her best friend.

I want to believe my wife but she has been showing some suspicious signs:
Make up on everyday as opposed to only when we go out.
She dresses very sexy during the day.(one of my neighbor even mentioned my wife very sexy dresses).
She said that she needs space to figure out what she wants to do with her life.


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## dblkman

aragorn, there are some serious red flags here that suggest there is some type of affair going on, whether physical or emotional. I would get some hard evidence and press her with that info to get some answers.


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## voivod

atruckersgirl said:


> Personally, I would not be happy if my boyfriend spent the night at another woman's house. On the other hand, she told you to come over, and you refused. What other options did she have? She told you she'd been drinking, and you didn't go over there? Yes, I suppose she could have called a cab, but then you could be complaining about the money spent on a cab and having to get up early to take her back over there.


what other options did she have? how about SKIP THE DRINKING?!? was that an option? wasd that a requisite to the yard sale? get drunk? so drunk she couldnt make it home? bulls#!t!

and how do YOU know he'd complain about ther cab money or getting up early to take her back over there?


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## the guy

This was wife for 13 years, and today I regrett the "long leash" I gave her. 
5-1/2 months ago she came completely clean and it was not pleasant. 
After confronting her,I gave her 1/2 an hour to decide what she wanted, as I started packing. She stopped me so I began laying out the new ground rules. as she rebut each new rule she didn't like I threw more things in my bags. she final submitted.
It is a shame my wife has to be treated like my teenager duaghter, with all the investigating I have to do but that is the result of her disloyality. She can take or leave it
Man up and take control 
tough love or set them free
You will respect your self in the end Ineeded this I felt direspected for years.


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## Aragorn

I just ordered a gps, so at least I will get an idea of where she goes it's just her by herself especially on Monday and Wednesday!

I will be meeting a psychologist specializing in marriage counseling next week.

Last Thursday she meet a gay friend to chat. However, by 10:30pm I knew the place where they were chatting was closing so I called her. She said that she was having a good time and I heard a friend in the background say hi to me.
At 1:30AM, she still wasn't home so I decided that I was going to do a quick drive by where John lives. Her car was parked outside and John's van as well.

I was really upset, I focused my mind to come down and then called and asked her nicely where she was and when she was planning on coming home. She told me that she was at John's house with her gay friend. Once again, I heard her gay friend who I heard him that I should come over. Anyway, my wife told me that she would come home for sure before I have to leave for work.
She came home at 3:30AM.
Had a gay friend not been at John's house I would have been sure of an affair, but because the friend was there I want to remain hopeful.


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## dblkman

the guy said:


> This was wife for 13 years, and today I regrett the "long leash" I gave her.
> 5-1/2 months ago she came completely clean and it was not pleasant.
> After confronting her,I gave her 1/2 an hour to decide what she wanted, as I started packing. She stopped me so I began laying out the new ground rules. as she rebut each new rule she didn't like I threw more things in my bags. she final submitted.
> It is a shame my wife has to be treated like my teenager duaghter, with all the investigating I have to do but that is the result of her disloyality. She can take or leave it
> Man up and take control
> tough love or set them free
> You will respect your self in the end Ineeded this I felt direspected for years.


yeah i agree with ya, that was similar to my previous marriage too but at last I grew tired of being the freaking "affair police" and just left....


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## greeneyeddolphin

voivod said:


> what other options did she have? how about SKIP THE DRINKING?!? was that an option? wasd that a requisite to the yard sale? get drunk? so drunk she couldnt make it home? bulls#!t!
> 
> and how do YOU know he'd complain about ther cab money or getting up early to take her back over there?


Hmmm...a little over the top in your reaction, don't you think? 

As for what other options, she called and had already been drinking, and asked him to come. He refused. At that point, WHAT OTHER OPTION WAS THERE? Last I checked, there is no machine that enables anyone to go back in time and change things. 

And I never said he would complain, I said he *could* complain. 

What exactly did I say that irritated you so much? Perhaps something that hit a bit close to home?


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## the guy

A,
Remaining hopeful is fine. I've been there. Tell her to stop or leave.
I bet you can pack most of her stuff by 3:00 am and have it on the front porch.
When the light of day shines on her behavior, she may not like what she is doing under the cover of darlness.
And you will see her back soon enough. If she does not see her un healty behavior and continues then you know you gave her the time she wanted, it has run out, and you are now making the the dicisions for both of you.


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## rainbows

Wow...

This situation sucks. in your wife's defense, maybe she's having a midlife crisis.

But really...she needs to open her eyes. She has babies, for goodness sake. She is being destructive and you need to find out why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 76Trombones

Yeah I was thinking midlife crisis also.


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## AFEH

Aragorn,
Have you contacted John’s wife? She moved out for a reason and just maybe that reason was his relationship with your wife. If something is going on she may well tell you.

Bob


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## Aragorn

Last night, when I got home from work the kids were taking a nap so we started talking.
She asked me why I looked upset and unhappy. I told her that something feels really wrong in our relationship since she spent the night with the other guy. I told her that I strongly suspect that she has not told me all the details and that I suspect something.

She confessed to having cheated on Friday the 23rd but only that one night... She said that she did not go there with the intent to cheat. The guy took her to the store and bought some alcohol. They were chatting and decided to have a few drinks. After a few drinks he started playing the guitar and she joined him by singing and as they talked more one thing led to another...
She slept with him without any protection!!! She doesn't remember all the details as she was drunk and it was an accident.

She also said that if I had picked up her up maybe it would not have happen with him, but she admitted that it's very possible that she would have cheated in the future.

Thank you for your support. I'm going to the doctor to get tested. Wish me luck.


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## Chris Taylor

Sorry to hear that.

Good luck.


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## Amplexor

Aragorn said:


> After a few drinks he started playing the guitar and she joined him by singing and as they talked more one thing led to another...
> 
> She also said that if I had picked up her up maybe it would not have happen with him, but she admitted that it's very possible that she would have cheated in the future.


Yeah, right, it's your fault. Typical of a cheater. She put her self in the position to compromise her marriage. Drunk or not she is the one that did the deed. I'll admit that it does sound as if TOM set the stage and orchestrated the seducing of her but the fault is on her not you. And sorry I don't buy the "its the only time it happened" either. 

Your marriage just took the ultimate blow, I'm sorry. But there is hope and there are others here on this board that had marriages survives some kind of affair. Including myself. Good luck, your road to recovery is just starting. I hope.


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## sprite59

guess you should have put the kids in the car and gone and got her or called a taxi , sorry this happen to you


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## the guy

Aragron,
I sounds like there wasn't much remorse on her part, just excuses.
Is she willing to see a marriage therapist?
Are you going to confront the OM?
Are you looking into some sort of survelance GPS,recorders,phone records and so on?
Some spouses can be "accident' prone, you may need some extra"insurance" (if you know what I mean?)
Your kids are counting on you fighting for this Family.
Good luck and stay alert for more signs. 
Recovery works if both partners commit


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## DawnD

So sorry to hear this Aragon. Always sorry to hear of a spouse cheating. I hope you two can work through this, and now would be a time to start talking about what boundaries you need in place. Access to cell phone, emails, etc. Lots of good advice on here for that stuff. Best of luck.


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## Scannerguard

As per the movie _When Harry Met Sally _- men and women can't "just be friends."

No, men and women can't spend the night at each other's house.

Don't be silly.

Along about the age of 11ish for girls, 13ish for boys, the boys penis starts to grow hair. . .the female's body develops curves. . .and so on. I'll refer you back to 7th grade health for an entire explanation on why men and women can't spend the night at each other's house.

Sorry this happened.


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## AFEH

Aragorn said:


> Last night, when I got home from work the kids were taking a nap so we started talking.
> She asked me why I looked upset and unhappy. I told her that something feels really wrong in our relationship since she spent the night with the other guy. I told her that I strongly suspect that she has not told me all the details and that I suspect something.
> 
> She confessed to having cheated on Friday the 23rd but only that one night... She said that she did not go there with the intent to cheat. The guy took her to the store and bought some alcohol. They were chatting and decided to have a few drinks. After a few drinks he started playing the guitar and she joined him by singing and as they talked more one thing led to another...
> She slept with him without any protection!!! She doesn't remember all the details as she was drunk and it was an accident.
> 
> She also said that if I had picked up her up maybe it would not have happen with him, but she admitted that it's very possible that she would have cheated in the future.
> 
> Thank you for your support. I'm going to the doctor to get tested. Wish me luck.


Aragon,
The other guy's wife will know far more than you do. Now you know she may well open up to you.

Bob


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## Harpo

Dear Aragorn, I am very sorry you had to go through that. I am curious to know how she behaved with you immediately after that night, before she confessed, was she distant from you or were you intimate with each other?


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## trove99

you where the cause. i would never let my wife sleep in anothes house even with her female friend. because i am a jealous lover..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

Nobody has sex by accident. Long before any sex, there were thoughts and ideas. She decided to go there. She decided to drink. She decided to cuddle, kiss, etc. and then she decided to have sex with this guy. She leaves at 8:00 and by 10:00 she's been drinking? Sounds like she went over there and pretty much immediately started drinking. She said once there, they decided to drive together to get alcohol. If it wasn't her plan to drink and get it on when she went there, it's pretty obvious it was his plan and would have been obvious to her shortly after she arrived.


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## Robrobb

I was getting ready to answer that there are circumstance under which I would allow my wife to spend the night at another man's house - if there is trust between us. You clearly didn't trust her - or already suspected that you couldn't - so you were right to be upset.

Don't let up. She clearly is under the spell of an affair of one kind or another - read up on emotional affairs and get yourselves into counseling (I think you said you were doing that). If there are issues with one or both of you, work them out as best you can before anyone decides to move out. And she must stop seeing John RIGHT NOW.


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## unbelievable

I trust my wife but there is NO WAY, NO HOW that I'd be cool with her spending the night in the home of an adult male, especially not drinking and especially not right after the dude had a relationship breakup. That's a real stressful time for everyone and we all know how guys like to beat stress. Right after my ex left me, I would have jumped on a rock pile if I had thought a snake was in it! 
If I had an irreplaceable diamond, I wouldn't leave it laying around in public or even around my friends. It's not that I don't trust them, it's that I value the diamond. I wouldn't spend the night alone at the home of an adult woman whether there was the possibility of sex or not. Why even create the appearance or leave open the possibility?? Why make your mate even wonder? just a bad idea.


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