# I need a woman's advice on this problem I have with my girlfriend



## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Recently, my girlfriend told me that she has a rape fantasy. I was shocked at first but I said no. She keeps on bringing it up even though my answer is no. But it's not just rape she also want's me to rape her anally too and I just can't understand why. I really want this relationship to work out but it starting to sag all because I will not go along with her fantasy. How do I get her to stop?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Have you ever had anal sex with her? If not, this is a VERY bad idea. She could suffer real injury. 

As for vaginal rape fantasy, if you google it, you'll find that this is actually one of the top secret fantasies women have. It's not about being beaten to a pulp and being hurt...it's about being totally dominated, being ravished by a strong man, giving up all control to him.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

im not a woman but if you have told her no and she keeps on pushing it i say RUN.

my wife read this and was speechless "a woman being raped is the most demeaning thing ever wow i suggest he leave now just wow"


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Have you ever had anal sex with her? If not, this is a VERY bad idea. She could suffer real injury.
> 
> As for vaginal rape fantasy, if you google it, you'll find that this is actually one of the top secret fantasies women have. It's not about being beaten to a pulp and being hurt...it's about being totally dominated, being ravished by a strong man, giving up all control to him.


Anal sex yes. She happens to like more than I do...but I'm not raping her. I really want this to work but I'm going to do something that makes me feel as if I'm an animal. I just want her to realize that's just not going to happen. All I want is for her to understand that it just won't happen. I love but I cannot bring myself to even think about such an act.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> im not a woman but if you have told her no and she keeps on pushing it i say RUN.
> 
> my wife read this and was speechless "a woman being raped is the most demeaning thing ever wow i suggest he leave now just wow"


I can't leave her. She''s special to me. We've been together for 3 years. I'm letting go of the only girl that likes me for me. The only other gf I have ever had was only for 3 months because at the time I had a lot of money but when the Stock market crashed I had nothing and she was gone. So, I am not leaving her.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I think some people have the wrong idea of what a "rape fantasy" is really about. It's not about a woman who decides to walk down a dark alley hoping she'll get raped by some nasty thug. It's about trusting her SO to do this in a safe role playing kind of manner. This article may help explain it better: Why Do Women Have Erotic Rape Fantasies? | Psychology Today


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Enacting a rape fantasy (using a safe word) is one thing, but what your partner is suggesting sounds a bit out there, IMO.

Has your partner ever suffered sexual abuse?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A rape fantasy is common.

Not taking your SO's "no" is not.

And you do realize not every fantasy has to be fulfilled right?


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Enacting a rape fantasy (using a safe word) is one thing, but what your partner is suggesting sounds a bit out there, IMO.
> 
> Has your partner ever suffered sexual abuse?


no. She's just a wild one.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> A rape fantasy is common.
> 
> Not taking your SO's "no" is not.
> 
> And you do realize not every fantasy has to be fulfilled right?


Yes but she is being very persisted about it. It's been about 3 weeks and she brings it up when we're alone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

So you've been rocking along everything peachy keen for 3 years and now suddenly she won't take no for an answer?

What changed 3 weeks ago?


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> So you've been rocking along everything peachy keen for 3 years and now suddenly she won't take no for an answer?
> 
> What changed 3 weeks ago?


When I said no to her rape fantasy. I mean at first I thought she was joking but a few seconds later she gave me a serious so I stopped laughing and I knew she wasn't joking and I just don't know why. She won't tell me why or when she thought about this or why she decided to bring this up to me now all of a sudden. We were just watching a porno (We do watch them together) and the conversation about fantasies came up and that's when she said it


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> So you've been rocking along everything peachy keen for 3 years and now suddenly she won't take no for an answer?
> 
> What changed 3 weeks ago?


We haven't hit rock bottom but I noticed a little bit of distance forming and I don't want it to get worse.


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

Is the norm of your sexual interactions more mellow, and not you taking a dominant roll…?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If she felt rejected she'd stop bringing it up but she's not she's just getting more persistent.

Do you know why she's been getting more distant?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Waking up to life said:


> Have you ever had anal sex with her? If not, this is a VERY bad idea. She could suffer real injury.
> 
> As for vaginal rape fantasy, if you google it, you'll find that this is actually one of the top secret fantasies women have.* It's not about being beaten to a pulp and being hurt...it's about being totally dominated, being ravished by a strong man, giving up all control to him.*


 This is it exactly


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

unsanemaker said:


> no. She's just a wild one.


Well, you just need to stick to your guns. Your partner shouldn't be pushing you into doing something you're uncomfortable with. No means No.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Cobre said:


> Is the norm of your sexual interactions more mellow, and not you taking a dominant roll…?


no, we interchange the dominant role but it's just that I'm more of a romantic type not a crazy sexual antic type


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

butterscotch said:


> I wonder if part of the distance comes from her feeling as though she put this deep, dark, part of herself out in the open with you and now feels rejected because you don't want to participate. Maybe it's just the awkwardness of letting something like that out in the open, you know? I imagine that must have been very hard for her to tell you about, and it would be very easy to misunderstand your response as rejection.
> 
> Perhaps you should sit down and tell her that you appreciated her letting you in like that, and just because you're not able to fulfill that fantasy doesn't mean that you're rejecting her as a person. I don't know if that might help or not, but I just wonder if that might be going through her mind.
> 
> Something like, "I'm so screwed up for wanting this, and now he knows it too!" I just know that would be running through my head if I were in her shoes. She might just need some help realizing that you still love her even after she's opened up about such a twisty part of her. Good luck.


This works for me


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Well, you just need to stick to your guns. Your partner shouldn't be pushing you into doing something you're uncomfortable with. No means No.


Well, I don't it to seem like I'm making a sexual deviant out of her.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> If she felt rejected she'd stop bringing it up but she's not she's just getting more persistent.
> 
> Do you know why she's been getting more distant?


She's a sexual person but not like 'OMG I'M A ****'. She just enjoys a lot sex. But I feel like the distance is because when she does bring it up I just say "I'm sorry but the answer is no. I'm not doing something that may hurt you or demean you" she just says okay and our day just goes along.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Do you use restraints during sex?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Whats the big deal about acting out a rape fantasy for her?

You can go through all the motions, act like some sort of crazed assailant jumping out of the closet, pull her clothes off, rough handle her a little bit.. doesn't mean you have to then go ahead and shove it in her ass to the hilt while she's still dry. 

Do it slow, and use astroglide. Talk to her all dirty while you're pounding away, faster and harder than usual, saying things such as "you know you like it B!tch". End it with a messy facial and call it a night.

You might enjoy it more than you realize. I know I sure would.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

TiggyBlue said:


> Do you use restraints during sex?


No. We tried it a few time but we didn't like it


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

totamm said:


> Whats the big deal about acting out a rape fantasy for her?
> 
> You can go through all the motions, act like some sort of crazed assailant jumping out of the closet, pull her clothes off, rough handle her a little bit.. doesn't mean you have to then go ahead and shove it in her ass to the hilt while she's still dry.
> 
> ...


I find rape to be a very horrible thing and I doubt it would be any enjoyable for me.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

butterscotch said:


> If it's bothering her so much, she might be bringing it up because she can't stop thinking about it now. That still plays into the rejection thing for me..... She's trying to badger him into it so as to get affirmation that she's OK for having the fantasy.
> 
> I think differently than most people, though, so you might be right and it's not about rejection at all. I think that sitting her down and telling her that she's still loved even if the fantasy's not going to happen won't hurt anything, even if it's not about rejection.


Butterscotch I tried this and now she's more pleased that I still love her and she urges me to give it some thought. Should I consider it?


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

butterscotch said:


> That's up to you. I hope the conversation took some pressure off of her mind and vis a vis you. Ideally, since she has the reassurance that you still love and accept her even with her twisty side out in the open, she'll realize that she will still love and respect you no matter if you indulge the fantasy or not.
> 
> I do have a thought - would you be comfortable writing or talking her through some fantasies? No physical violence, but maybe just some very intense erotica that could get her mind going into some alternate directions. Maybe if you tap into your creative side, you might find something that will get you both excited and you can move away from this. The rape fantasy is all about losing control, and feeling helpless, but still safe because she trusts you. There are other ways to tap into that same feeling that aren't so brutal.
> 
> ...




To be honest I'm sexually boring. I'm more of a romantic type and i can't think of anything like that. I think one problem is that she enjoys rough sex and I don't. I'll consider it for the sake of our relationship.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Tie her to the bed using neckties.

Then you can screw her any way you want to and it's still in line with her fantasy of being taken by force.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Well, you just need to stick to your guns. Your partner shouldn't be pushing you into doing something you're uncomfortable with. No means No.


THIS. You should not be expected to do this if you arent comfortable any more than she should be expected to do something SHE is uncomfortable with. Its called having respect for your partner. The two of you have different sexual preferences, and over time, that could become a serious issue for the relationship, because one of you will always be unfulfilled because the other isnt meeting your needs. Rough sex for you isnt fulfilling and evidently romantic sex doesnt do it for her. I know you said you wont leave because she is your first real relationship, but you need to realize what you may be setting yourself up for with that stance.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS. You should not be expected to do this if you arent comfortable any more than she should be expected to do something SHE is uncomfortable with. Its called having respect for your partner. The two of you have different sexual preferences, and over time, that could become a serious issue for the relationship, because one of you will always be unfulfilled because the other isnt meeting your needs. Rough sex for you isnt fulfilling and evidently romantic sex doesnt do it for her. I know you said you wont leave because she is your first real relationship, but you need to realize what you may be setting yourself up for with that stance.


Like I said I'm going to try and go for it once just to save the relationship. If it work I'll talk with her to see she wants to go further. If not then at least it was done. I'm still not 100% on the idea but if it saves this relationship that I have then I don't what I have to lose besides her.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

What she is looking for is not weird, not demeaning, not wrong. Why not just ask her what it would involve....ask her for more details and just see if perhaps you cannot open up a bit and try to please her? Why not. If it is not hurting her....if it is not wrong....why not try to move out of your comfort zone and see if you can please her? 
I do not understand why you have an issue with this. She is really not asking for a whole lot here.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

youkiddingme said:


> What she is looking for is not weird, not demeaning, not wrong. Why not just ask her what it would involve....ask her for more details and just see if perhaps you cannot open up a bit and try to please her? Why not. If it is not hurting her....if it is not wrong....why not try to move out of your comfort zone and see if you can please her?
> I do not understand why you have an issue with this. She is really not asking for a whole lot here.


I'm going to try it as i said in my last post but the issue is that it's rape. Something I can't really understand why any woman would have a fantasy about it.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I don't think this is so much about rape as it is about being dominated in bed. That's what she really wants, and that is where you are lacking - well, you said it yourself that you are the romantic type and "boring."

She wants you to be the man - seize the moment - go for it. Sometimes women just want to be f*****.

I don't think you need to do it to save the relationship. I think you are probably okay there - but you need to seize your alpha-ness. You are in big danger of losing that and really becoming boring.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

As long as there was plenty of communication and a safe word I would welcome this or almost any other fantasy my wife wanted. I dig me some spice now.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> I don't think this is so much about rape as it is about being dominated in bed. That's what she really wants, and that is where you are lacking - well, you said it yourself that you are the romantic type and "boring."
> 
> She wants you to be the man - seize the moment - go for it. Sometimes women just want to be f*****.
> 
> I don't think you need to do it to save the relationship. I think you are probably okay there - but you need to seize your alpha-ness. You are in big danger of losing that and really becoming boring.



Alpha-ness? That makes it sound like I own her. It's not okay.


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## unsanemaker (Mar 4, 2013)

We've talked about it and everything is planned but this still feels weird to me.


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