# Going Through Divorce or Separation



## John Gent (Apr 21, 2011)

Hi, New to forum.. My wife wants a divorce & is pushing hard. I do not & want to work on things. I do have mood swings especially on this subject. I still love her..She does not love me (17 years & 4 Children youngest 10 years old. She says she has wasted 17 years & wants to enjoy life. I have finally agreed to the separation, & told her that i would like to work on things. I also told her that cheating before the divorce was final was against the law.. We have both seen Lawyers & want this to be peaceable, but her response of catching & proving anything would cost 1000.00's & they would do little anyway. My heart is broken & I don't want this. She went from mom & wife to Cell Texting & Facebook constantly..Planing trips without me & trying to push me out. Is she right, can she cheat or should I just worry about myself & kids? P.S she will give me children every weekend so she can go out. HELP ~


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

She can do whatever she wants to do. The truth is, the only actions and feelings you can control are your own. People break the law all the time.

I'm not saying it to be harsh, I am just trying to get you to see that you can't control anyone else's behavior or actions but your own.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would suggest counseling for yourself and your children to help them cope.

What are you doing for YOU during this time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Gent (Apr 21, 2011)

Just trying to deal.. Having trouble sleeping. Not helping matters< I work 3rd shift & am trying to change that. She is just so Ok with it, Says shes been dealing with it for a year & a half. Hit me like a bus. Guess i am naive


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## John Gent (Apr 21, 2011)

Yes, I am in counseling.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

John, I'm the one that told my wife I wanted a separation. Like your wife, I'd been processing it for awhile before it all came out. It's really not fair to the "other" spouse when this happens, because the spouse making the decision often has time to process the end of the marriage. As my counselor said, I had already gone through the grieving process for it. And the spouse that's left has to process things quickly, which is tough.

I've thought about it like the difference between someone being sick for an extended period and passing away, vs someone young and vibrant dieing from an accident. The end result is the same, but in the first case, the other people have time to adjust to the idea, and in the end, it is almost a relief it's over. In the second case, it can be exceedingly painful to deal with, when the shock and pain combine.

Sorry you're going through this... You should talk to your lawyer about the cheating/dating after separation aspect. Different areas have different laws. But I think she's likely right... It's difficult to prove, expensive, and things just get messy. The only people who win in that case are the lawyers. It depends on how badly you want to keep things civil, I guess. 

C


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I know how hard dealing with this can be. My H & I have been separated for 2 months now.

I do promise you, this will get easier as time goes on. It might not feel like it right now, and trust me, I do know how you feel. When H first left it took all my strength to get out of bed in the morning.
Like you, I am also in counseling. I started it a few months before I left and it is amazing how much better I feel. I still have my days, but they get easier. I hope my H & I can work through this, but if we can't, at least I know I tried everything.

Continue with counseling, spend time with friends, try something new. This is your chance to change things about you that you've wanted to but never quite got around to.

Keep your chin up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

John-

Like you, I was blindsided. I never knew she was as unhappy as she was. I did not want to separate or divorce. I didn't want to lose her and the happy life we had together. I would've cut my feet off to make it go away and things be normal again. That was a little over two months ago. We've been separated a week today.

I saw her this morning before I left for work. She had come to pick up some more stuff. Oddly enough, I was the strong one today. She got teary several times while we talked. I had to hug her a few times and tell her she'll be OK, that her life will come together just fine. I told her that I'm excited about my new life. Truth is, I really am.

I adored her. She was my everything. She had an affair and came home and told me she didn't love me. She threw me away. Now, I remember all of the little things I didn't like about her but overlooked because they were a small part of the whole of our marriage. I can find someone who fits me better.
She called me more times today than she has all week. I ended the conversation each time with "OK, I have to get back to work." I'm starting to get scared that she may want to reconcile in the future. Not bad for a guy who wanted to die so recently.

It doesn't seem like it now, but you ARE going to be OK. Try this thought out : Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if she's happy and waiting for the other shoe to drop? That alone is pretty much what helped me. The woman I loved died and left someone else behind. It was sad, but life goes on.

Be strong, and believe in yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I dont understand the poll...are you asking us if we are divorced or going through a divorce and/or if you want our opinion that you should divorce or go through a separation?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you and your children are having to deal with this. It sounds as though you and your wife are separated and she is dating. My guess is that she was cheating before separation. It really hurts. Unfortunately, there will be no reasoning with her at this point. Get ready for a crazy roller coaster ride. And don't believe a thing she tells you; trying to believe her will only cause more frustration and pain.

Although adultery seems to be acceptable in most states as far as the judicial system goes, there is one one area adultery causes problems. That area is responsibility. That's where your wife will fail. It is already evident--she wants you to have the children every weekend. Keep a journal documenting everything. Things like that will sway a judge's opinion.

I really wish you and your children the best.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yes, sounds like she's got someone else, and therefore she is in the "fog". Maybe post in the "Coping with Infidelity" section and see if they can share their wisdom there. You'll learn that a lot of what she says isn't really true, it's the "fog" speaking. I'm dealing with that right now. 

My H actually just sat there and told me the other day that he can do what he wants because our marriage is over and I can't do anything about it.  Hurts.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

John Gent said:


> Just trying to deal.. Having trouble sleeping. Not helping matters< I work 3rd shift & am trying to change that. She is just so Ok with it, Says shes been dealing with it for a year & a half. Hit me like a bus. Guess i am naive


My H first said he has been unhappy for a year, then he said 2, then he said 4. I asked him if he was going to start adding Zero's next. Something important to remember Is that she knows what she is doing is wrong, she feels shame when she sees you and the kids, and that's why she wants to get away. She will justify her behavior by blaming you, but it's just a coping mechanism , not the truth. Everyone is going to tell you this, but it's the best advice. DO NOT peruse her, chase her, chastise her, try to reason with her; it will just push her further away and help justify her feeling of unhappiness in her own mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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