# Update.



## TheFlood117

Hello TAM community. 


I was the guy with the cheating wife. The one that found the evidence, yuck

Well, I thought I give an update, since I got such great support and advice from this awesome forum. 


Things are pretty good, all things considered, The divorce will be finalized in about 7 weeks hopefully. It's gone relatively smooth on the splitting of assets and custody. A few bumps here and there. He agreed to joint custody 50/50 for our son. As I believe than a son needs his mom, even if his mom cheated on her husband. 

Speaking of, I can't help but kinda give my self a high five and chest bump the way I handled D-day and exposure. Not only did I accomplish the goal of having ex-wife served at work. But it happened in front of everyone, including the d-bag OM. At the same time, I exposed her to friends and family, far and wide. It was legit. 

She freaked, lol. Came home in tears and absolutely shocked, she was crying and shaking. I thought about holding her, but then I realized I didn't want to catch "cheating dumb wh0re" syndrome. So I just watched the breakdown. 

Then I said, in a cold, calculating tone. "I need you to pack a few things and go stay with your sister or parents for a while, I don't think our son needs to see you in this state. So please, get off the floor and start packing some things and leave". 

And she did. 

OWNED. 

It worked, lol. I really couldn't believe it, but full on exposure and a cool, calm attitude crushed her into submission. I wanted to like do a huge celebration maybe dance the dougie or something. But I kept my cool demeanor as she got packed in tears, saying how she "loves me" and "I'm her heart and soul"... Dafuq???? :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

And how she didn't love OM and that she thought of me during her time with him... blah, blah, blah. 

I just was like "yeah, I understand. But you need to leave, so just focus on packing your clothes."

She said she wanted to go get our son and take him with her, I said "NOT. GOING. To. Happen." I guess I kinda got all alpha male on her and kinda intimidated her a bit, and she really started crying. She even said, that I could go have other girls and stuff, and then we could be even. All sorts of really crazy and f*cked up things started coming out of her mouth. Like "she thought I was having an affair when she was pregnant, and that she feels that she's not good enough for me and that she doesn't like how women look and flirt with me, and that I could even bring another girl home (like all guys, I've fantasized about my wife with another girl, but I was never really serious about it) and it would "break her heart" but she would let it happen. I mean, just some wacky stuff. 

Well, she left but not after she tried to f*ck me, I mean full on like c*ck hungry slvt, but I turned her down ( I gotta admit, it was really tough as my wife is so beautiful, even when she cries). Then she just got quite and cried into my chest, she said "do you hate me". I said, I don't hate you, but I can't stand the sight or sound of you and you really need to leave. But yes, I kinda hate you. 

Then she left. 


And then I cried, uncontrollably. I wept. I think it was just the stress and the realization that this all happened in about 2 hours . I just set on the couch and cried, for a while. Then I stopped, and took a long cold shower. After I felt pretty good. 

Our son, was confused that mom wasn't living in the house anymore, but I told him that Mommy and Daddy are going to not be around each other like we used to. That Mom and Dad have decided the best thing would be to just be Mom and Dad. Then I hugged him and held him for what seemed like an eternity. 


Big changes happened. But with my incredibly family support and great friends I adopted to being a single dad pretty well. 

The ex-wife moved in with her Parents for a few months, then got herself a small house to rent. 

I never kept our son from his mom. When he wanted to see her and stay with her, I let him. I feel that, because I have such a strong relationship with my mother, my son deserves at least the opportunity to form a bond with his mom, even if his mom did something bad to his father. I felt that being a good father and adult required me to encourage a good relationship with his mom. 


But it hasn't been all smooth sailing. I've had some setback and have almost or been on the verge of f*cking everything up. When I told the OM wife, she wanted to meet. After we met, she totally wanted to bang. I could have banged the wife of the guy that banged my wife. I thought about it. I really did. But then I thought that I wouldn't' let my wife's behavior curve mine, so I didn't do it, but again, it was so, oh so tempting. My exwife didn't stop trying to "win" me back. She consistently (still does) makes advancements towards me. And I've almost slipped up. Almost. But I've done ok. This has been a very emotional time in my life. And I've found a new found energy, an extra gear I guess. I have trucked through it. 

Now, I have had some fun, when my son is with his mother. And oh boy, has ex-wife really gotten jealous. I can't help it. With all this stress I need release. And there are plenty of women who are willing to release it with me, lol. Nothing serious, but I got a consistent booty call list going on. It's nice. 

But I do miss my wife, I won't lie, I love her. Big time. It's been so, so tough. I mean, my god, she's absolutely stunning and we just have "it". Now, I am going full steam into the divorce. I will not reconcile with her or placate and become a doormat. But I do crave her. It makes me sad and anxious. I wish I could go no contact, but that's impossible. And plus, If I'm honest, I don't really want to. Like I said. Emotionally draining. This has been the only thing that's shocked me about this- how much I still love my exwife. On d-day I basically despised and lamented her. But it did change, and we have had some arguments and she has gotten crude and downright mean to be, but for the most part, I can tell she's very, very remorseful about what she did. 

I have thought about taking her back, but then I think about the lying and the pictures. And I just can't do it. There's something in me that won't let me I guess. I just wish it never had happened. I wish it were an emotional affair or ONS or something. Maybe then I could have reconciled. But I can't. And I won't. And I'm sad about it. But life goes on and I'm a better man and father because of this. So like my grandpa used to say "Shave that dog at teach it to hunt. Chin up cowboy, saddle in, you got things to do". 



Thanks TAM for being here. Thanks for the advice. A great community. 

And for all betrayed spouse on here looking for advice, lost in the void of betrayal. It's dark. It's cold. But TAM is a warm place and has some great people on it. Vent it out here and seek advice. 


Thanks.


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## WyshIknew

Well I'm probably perverse but I would have been so tempted to eff OM's wife.

And I would have made it the best I could manage, really go to town on her, do my damndest to give her the hump of her life.

Then send her back to OM.

But I suppose you did the right thing.


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## TheFlood117

WyshIknew said:


> Well I'm probably perverse but I would have been so tempted to eff OM's wife.
> 
> And I would have made it the best I could manage, really go to town on her, do my damndest to give her the hump of her life.
> 
> Then send her back to OM.
> 
> But I suppose you did the right thing.



Like I said, it was really tempting. If I didn't have a son, I would have done it. I would have handled this whole thing differently. But I didn't' want my wife or scum bag OM finding out somehow and it hurting me in the eyes of the courts. Funny thing tho, that evening my ex wife tried to bang me again. So in theory I could have pounded OM's wife, then banged my ex-wife in the same day. 

But like I said, I'm trying to keep the drama at bay. 

Plus, I'm doing fine in that area. I getting plenty of play.


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## WyshIknew

TheFlood117 said:


> Like I said, it was really tempting. If I didn't have a son, I would have done it. I would have handled this whole thing differently. But I didn't' want my wife or scum bag OM finding out somehow and it hurting me in the eyes of the courts. Funny thing tho, that evening my ex wife tried to bang me again. So in theory I could have pounded OM's wife, then banged my ex-wife in the same day.
> 
> But like I said, I'm trying to keep the drama at bay.
> 
> Plus, I'm doing fine in that area. I getting plenty of play.


Yea I think you are handling things right, just saying I could understand the temptation.

Maybe after the divorce........

Paybacks a ***** MR OM.


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## illwill

I think your are my new hero.


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## MattMatt

And the great thing is, should you want to get back with your wife at some future date, you can! Or not! Because the choice is yours! :smthumbup:


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## Vanguard

Flood.


You're my goddamn hero. 

That is all.


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## movin on

Having her served at work in front of om.. Priceless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

movin on said:


> Having her served at work in front of om.. Priceless
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And the colleagues, too... Class act!:smthumbup:


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## hibiscus

TheFlood117 said:


> Like I said, it was really tempting. If I didn't have a son, I would have done it. I would have handled this whole thing differently. But I didn't' want my wife or scum bag OM finding out somehow and it hurting me in the eyes of the courts. Funny thing tho, that evening my ex wife tried to bang me again. So in theory I could have pounded OM's wife, then banged my ex-wife in the same day.
> 
> But like I said, I'm trying to keep the drama at bay.
> 
> Plus, I'm doing fine in that area. I getting plenty of play.


Flood well done for keeping yourself together during this crazy period of your life. I admire the fact that you are thinking of your son and you are not falling for any temptation to hurt others or create more drama. Be proud that you are showing everyone that you are the only grown up in this situation. 

Your wife wants to sleep with you to get close to you. Dont. That will kill her. She is never allowed to have sex with you again.She lost that privilege. That thought will burn her up.

I bet she is thinking that the A wasn't worth it. Especailly losing her family because of it. I bet she has lost that craving to go out and sleep with people. Not so exciting when you are single.

Some people do the most stupid things for sex. It never ceases to amaze me what they will throw away for just that.


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## barbados

This is how you handle cheaters !! Flood117's post should be a shining example to others who find themselves in the same situation. There are several current threads in CWI where the BH's are doing everything exactly opposite, and hurting because of it.

Bravo Flood117 !


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## barbados

hibiscus said:


> Flood well done for keeping yourself together during this crazy period of your life. I admire the fact that you are thinking of your son and you are not falling for any temptation to hurt others or create more drama. Be proud that you are showing everyone that you are the only grown up in this situation.
> 
> Your wife wants to sleep with you to get close to you. Dont. That will kill her. She is never allowed to have sex with you again.She lost that privilege. That thought will burn her up.
> 
> I bet she is thinking that the A wasn't worth it. Especailly losing her family because of it. I bet she has lost that craving to go out and sleep with people. Not so exciting when you are single.
> 
> Some people do the most stupid things for sex. It never ceases to amaze me what they will throw away for just that.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## missthelove2013

WyshIknew said:


> Well I'm probably perverse but I would have been so tempted to eff OM's wife.
> 
> And I would have made it the best I could manage, really go to town on her, do my damndest to give her the hump of her life.
> 
> Then send her back to OM.
> 
> But I suppose you did the right thing.


Oh I would have banged OM's wife like a cymbal...bang bang bang...and dont for a SECOND feel guilty about the fun you've had since she moved out, SHE is the one who destroyed your marriage...AND if it were me, id have no problem re-tapping the ex after the divorce, treat her like the ***** she is and send her home (NOT calling your stbx a *****, im talking about if it were MY wife)

I HATE to say "good story" because it isnt, its painful heartbreaking on your part....but I DO love to read these stories where the betrayed is moving forward, doing well, and the WS is paying for their "on purpose" (an affair is NOT a mistake, its an on purpose)...

Love the fact you outed her and the om to their families...the om should regret the day he met your wife for the rest of his life, *********...

good luck to you man, you sound like you have your head on your shoulders and no where near up your ass lol...you will NOT be a doormate or a cuckold...


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## chillymorn

Nice!

a man of charachater and strength!


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## hibiscus

barbados said:


> This is how you handle cheaters !! Flood117's post should be a shining example to others who find themselves in the same situation. There are several current threads in CWI where the BH's are doing everything exactly opposite, and hurting because of it.
> 
> Bravo Flood117 !


With all due respect Barbados I don't 100% agree with you there as I am in R with my partner ( have been for 10 months). I agree with you that it has been difficult at times for me but its the right decision for me.

Its a very personal matter between couples to rebuild together or move on. I believe in R if the WS is willing to do all the groundwork necessary to show their partner that they can be trusted again. But yes I agree in some cases, the BS should end the relationship. But that's my personal opinion.
 Peace


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## LongWalk

Amazing that kept your cool. Does she ask for any sort hope of R? What do you say? 

Rookie reconciled with his cheating wife after she kept her nose clean for two years. He slept with... He lost count but more than dozen. He had new GF who was in love with him and he had to break it off her to R. 

He invited his wife to a movie on the phone and she wept. 

Tears, an English WW, is trying really hard to win her husband back. TAMers are now rooting for her, as she is remorseful and genuine.

*Does your ex read you well enough to know you still have feelings for her?

Do you think she is becoming a better person?*

Re: OMX?w revenge sex
I would not do it for revenge. But you could go on a date. A warm hug might feel amazing. FB friend her.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## TheFlood117

Hey guys and gals, thank you for all your kind responses and words. This is great place for Betrayed spouses. So much support and wise advice. I'm glad I found it. Cause I gotta tell ya, if I didn't have support in my original post I might have had a lot harder time for sure. Thanks. 

About the scum bag POS OM, I haven't a clue what's up with him. However, his wife did tell me that his oldest daughter, I think she's a teenager or something, is basically totally ignoring and shunning him. 


That just tears me up inside. Poor ole' fellow. 


But I don't really keep up with my wife's d-bag OM. 


I'm to busy living and progressing into a better man and father. 

Speaking of, he'll be up soon, so I gotta get him ready for his day and maybe throw the ole' pig skin around. 

He's a pretty cool kid, if I do say so myself. 

So, thanks again TAM. 

I think I'll drop by maybe a little more often. 

Thanks. 


Flood out.


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## harrybrown

So did your wife try to keep with the OM? How did you catch her?


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## Rob774

All caught up... read or re-read (can't remember) the OP's original post, and now i read this one. Good for you dog - in regards to the way you handled this. The nerve of her, thinking she can somehow, heal this...with s-x. She needs to remind herself how this is partly what caused her problem in the first place. Its like she has that young-girl mentality, that their vag can solve all problems with men. I wouldn't touch her.

I would shag the OM's ex though, but much latter down the line. That can be all for fun between you two, so you can get a good laugh. 

You know when this will really sink in... Christmas time! She'll recall what it used to feel like to have a full family. And that her direct actions are why she no longer has that. Everytime in the future, when some guy isn't treating her right, is disrespecting her etc, she'll recall of what she used to have.


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## The Middleman

illwill said:


> I think your are my new hero.


Ditto


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## Foghorn

Very well done, Flood. You are an example of how to confront and how to behave during and after D-Day.

You're my hero, too. Enjoy your son and the fun & games of being single. If you want to, I am sure you can find someone "special" But for now..  Just enjoy.

Take care.


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## bryanp

You are the man!


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## ArmyofJuan

The beauty of handling the WS in this way is that the BS now has the option to R on his terms if he so chooses. In this case he feels he is better off without her so is moving to that end.

This should be the goal for all BS's, to be in control of the situation and whether to R or not be their decision, not the WS's. Don't let the WS make the choice, you choose (you technically can only make one choice which is head to a D) and show you are able to take action and not be weak. The WS always want to opposite of what the BS wants.

I hope other BS's read this thread and see how putting your foot down gets results. Not only that but you can be happy without being with the WS (and in many cases MUCH happier).


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## LongWalk

Thanks for the update. I bolded my questions in post No. 16


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## 6301

When my wife and I got divorced, I was in contact with the OM's wife. We just talked and compared notes but her husband couldn't leave well enough alone and when he saw me and he showed up on my job site and rubbed my nose in it about screwing my wife, I got pissed. His wife and I talked and one day she came over to my house and one thing led to another and I slept with her. Then again and then we both knew that the only thing that would happen was the kids would get caught up in this mess and we stopped and I regretted doing something so foolish.

The only good thing about it was that the OM kept up his little thing about rubbing my nose in it and I finally looked at him, smiled and said, "Oh well, I guess the best man won" and walked away. I was so tempted to turn around and say, "By the way, that cute little tattoo your wife has on her butt is really nice" but I let it go and to this day he still has no idea. This took place in 1993.


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## sammy3

OP.. You too have become my hero !!! but, honestly, many have too... 

Its funny , I've been away from TAM for about a yr.,and just returned as I found myself in need of support & immediately turned to this site.

Lo & behold it's been posts like ops & co, that I've been reading,thats been helping me through, 

god,sooooooo lucky to still have your children in your life !!!! I dont like thinking only of me now , lololo .... grrrrrrrrrrrrr:-(

~sammy


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## happyman64

harrybrown said:


> So did your wife try to keep with the OM? How did you catch her?


harry
read his original thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/70069-just-got-confirmation-wow-shocking.html

HM


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## happyman64

Flood

Glad you are coming out of the other side a better man and better father.

I will tell you that a few times we have seen a truly remorseful WW become a better woman and mother after the divorce.

So if you still have that love for her and you can get over the mind movies in time well, you know.

But so far IMO you have done what is best for you and your son. 

And do not give the OM a thought. They always affair down, not up.

And she knows it.

Good Luck

HM64


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## Shaggy

Thanks fir the update.

Btw, did you post the OM on cheatervile?


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## Philat

6301 said:


> When my wife and I got divorced, I was in contact with the OM's wife. We just talked and compared notes but her husband couldn't leave well enough alone and when he saw me and he showed up on my job site and rubbed my nose in it about screwing my wife, I got pissed. His wife and I talked and one day she came over to my house and one thing led to another and I slept with her. Then again and then we both knew that the only thing that would happen was the kids would get caught up in this mess and we stopped and I regretted doing something so foolish.
> 
> The only good thing about it was that the OM kept up his little thing about rubbing my nose in it and I finally looked at him, smiled and said, "Oh well, I guess the best man won" and walked away. I was so tempted to turn around and say, "By the way, that cute little tattoo your wife has on her butt is really nice" but I let it go and to this day he still has no idea. This took place in 1993.


6301: I like this post too, but I can't help thinking .... 20 years ago, kids no longer an issue.... Wouldn't it be sweet if POSOM just happened to find out? Just daydreaming here...


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## BetrayedDad

TheFlood117 said:


> With all this stress I need release. And there are plenty of women who are willing to release it with me, lol. Nothing serious, but I got a consistent booty call list going on. It's nice.


I could use some stress relieve myself at this point. Any tips for newly betrayed spouses on how to construct a booty call list LOL?


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## LongWalk

6301 said:


> When my wife and I got divorced, I was in contact with the OM's wife. We just talked and compared notes but her husband couldn't leave well enough alone and when he saw me and he showed up on my job site and rubbed my nose in it about screwing my wife, I got pissed. His wife and I talked and one day she came over to my house and one thing led to another and I slept with her. Then again and then we both knew that the only thing that would happen was the kids would get caught up in this mess and we stopped and I regretted doing something so foolish.
> 
> The only good thing about it was that the OM kept up his little thing about rubbing my nose in it and I finally looked at him, smiled and said, "Oh well, I guess the best man won" and walked away. I was so tempted to turn around and say, "By the way, that cute little tattoo your wife has on her butt is really nice" but I let it go and to this day he still has no idea. This took place in 1993.


Did they divorce?

The paradox in all of this feelings whose existence is uncertain and disputed. A WAW wife becomes indifferent to her husband. Has sex with another man and degrades her husband to be true to the affair partner. Sometimes she feels in love. Dday can blow OM out of the water. WW can suddenly love BS again but her words and tears become difficult to judge. Besides feelings go back an forth.

One thing is certain: when BS manages to burn down the affair in dramatic fashion, his sex ranking is likely to rise. When the affair partner's marriage is rocked, then the affair, whether it was great or pretty good or lame, then gets a new evaluation, usually not for the better.

My uncle had an affair that destroyed his marriage. He married OW but that marriage never gained respectability with his children. OW and uncle worked for years to scrub the cheating stench off. It proved impossible.

6301, even if OMW never said anything to her WH, she must have smirked inside. One can imagine that when two BS hook up like you did the climax is like an injection of pain killer.


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## Thorburn

Flood, all I can say is this is classic.


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## barbados

hibiscus said:


> With all due respect Barbados I don't 100% agree with you there as I am in R with my partner ( have been for 10 months). I agree with you that it has been difficult at times for me but its the right decision for me.
> 
> Its a very personal matter between couples to rebuild together or move on. I believe in R if the WS is willing to do all the groundwork necessary to show their partner that they can be trusted again. But yes I agree in some cases, the BS should end the relationship. But that's my personal opinion.
> Peace


I have no problem adding that this is how you handle cheaters if you do not want R, as Flood117 did not. Yes, if you want R, then of course some of the things would go differently.

However, his initial strength in standing up for himself and making WW face real consequences would not change whether it is R or D, IMO.


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## LostViking

Did your ex wife's family come down on her hard or did they take her side?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Working1

that is interesting to read, your whole story. Glad to hear you have navigated through it all!


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## TheFlood117

Hey all, thought I'd jump back on for a bit. So my exwife's parents were massively disappointed in her. Both her father and mother, but they didn't shun her or disown her, but suffice it to say, they gave her some harsh truth and advice. 

The only real shunning she has gotten is from her best friend- who has also been cheated on by her ex hubby. She is very, very upset with her still- and it's been nearly 7 months. I think they might never be friends again- she's also a pretty good friend of mine. Also, my parents- especially my mom, is disgusted and p!ssed off big time. They haven't talked to her. Nothing in 7 months. Shame, cause they got along pretty well, but not know. 

However, some jerks and bottom feeder friends have really come to her aid and really talked up her cheating and talked down my reaction. Especially, this one ho she works with-toxic friend. But what can you expect. Rumor has it she's cheating or cheated on here hubby lots. So.... Birds of a Feather, you know. 

But my ex is really regretting what she's done and I have no doubt she's still 'in love' with me. Problem is.... I don't need or want that her type of 'love'. But I can't help but miss her and I do crave her- I've had a lot of women since, but I think of my ex a lot. Not good. But damn, nothings perfect and I think I executed my plan pretty well I can't help how I feel, I just feel the way I feel you know. 


My only question is what should I do to maybe not think about her so much? I can't have no contact- and even if I could, I don't think I'd really want to, lol. 


This is really the only hangup right now. 

someone asked if my wife new that I still love her. 

I know she does, I mean I haven't told her, but she can feel it. 

Prior to my wife we had such an incredible bond. Not just sexual, which despite having a little kid, was really, really good. But the emotional bond is what I loved the most, I just felt so close to her. I felt that she was a part of my being. I can't really explain it, It was just so good. 

A little background about me, I know that I've come across as a pretty good guy, but prior to me meeting my wife and having my kid I was a very selfish person. Very. I was a bad boy too. I got into fights a lot and basically my routine was this- f*ck, fight and drink. I did things in my early and even till I was about 24ish that I'm not proud of. I've been the "other man" many times when I was younger. So partly I feel that I deserved this in way. And that's why I really don't want to engage in poor selfish behavior. 

Karma. 

But most importantly my son. He needs his father to be a strong leader- a man who's got character, toughness, confidence and wisdom. 

Not the 23 year old version of his dad. 

It's all about being the best for my son. It's my only purpose here. I failed being a husband. I will not fail being a dad. That. Will. Not. Happen. 

Thanks again for your responses.


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## happyman64

TheFlood117 said:


> Hey all, thought I'd jump back on for a bit. So my exwife's parents were massively disappointed in her. Both her father and mother, but they didn't shun her or disown her, but suffice it to say, they gave her some harsh truth and advice.
> 
> The only real shunning she has gotten is from her best friend- who has also been cheated on by her ex hubby. She is very, very upset with her still- and it's been nearly 7 months. I think they might never be friends again- she's also a pretty good friend of mine. Also, my parents- especially my mom, is disgusted and p!ssed off big time. They haven't talked to her. Nothing in 7 months. Shame, cause they got along pretty well, but not know.
> 
> However, some jerks and bottom feeder friends have really come to her aid and really talked up her cheating and talked down my reaction. Especially, this one ho she works with-toxic friend. But what can you expect. Rumor has it she's cheating or cheated on here hubby lots. So.... Birds of a Feather, you know.
> 
> But my ex is really regretting what she's done and I have no doubt she's still 'in love' with me. Problem is.... I don't need or want that her type of 'love'. But I can't help but miss her and I do crave her- I've had a lot of women since, but I think of my ex a lot. Not good. But damn, nothings perfect and I think I executed my plan pretty well I can't help how I feel, I just feel the way I feel you know.
> 
> 
> My only question is what should I do to maybe not think about her so much? I can't have no contact- and even if I could, I don't think I'd really want to, lol.
> 
> 
> This is really the only hangup right now.
> 
> someone asked if my wife new that I still love her.
> 
> I know she does, I mean I haven't told her, but she can feel it.
> 
> Prior to my wife we had such an incredible bond. Not just sexual, which despite having a little kid, was really, really good. But the emotional bond is what I loved the most, I just felt so close to her. I felt that she was a part of my being. I can't really explain it, It was just so good.
> 
> A little background about me, I know that I've come across as a pretty good guy, but prior to me meeting my wife and having my kid I was a very selfish person. Very. I was a bad boy too. I got into fights a lot and basically my routine was this- f*ck, fight and drink. I did things in my early and even till I was about 24ish that I'm not proud of. I've been the "other man" many times when I was younger. So partly I feel that I deserved this in way. And that's why I really don't want to engage in poor selfish behavior.
> 
> Karma.
> 
> But most importantly my son. He needs his father to be a strong leader- a man who's got character, toughness, confidence and wisdom.
> 
> Not the 23 year old version of his dad.
> 
> It's all about being the best for my son. It's my only purpose here. I failed being a husband. I will not fail being a dad. That. Will. Not. Happen.
> 
> Thanks again for your responses.


So true flood.

I was a little of a bad boy too.

My karma was being blessed with 3 daughters.

Now I spend some of my time steering my daughters away from "me".

It is a curse and a blessing wrapped up in one.

I call that karma.

Take care of that boy. I understand your feelings with respect to your wife.

It just goes to show just how stupid and selfish she became to throw that away.

Live and learn. There is nothing wrong with still loving her. Hopefully you can turn that into a feeling of respect to her as the mother of your son.

HM


----------



## Philat

_This is really the only hangup right now.

someone asked if my wife new that I still love her.

I know she does, I mean I haven't told her, but she can feel it. _

Flood, I think you're being too hard on yourself by calling yourself a failure as a husband. Be that as it may, the response to your continued feelings for your W might be that love simply does not conquer all. Tears' story (very well known among CWI readers) is ample illustration of this. Hang in there and stay on the high road.


----------



## illwill

You handle cheaters this way even if you do want r. I wish we could borrow this guys balls and loan them out to some of the guys on here. Flood there is no need to ever take her back, too many great and honest women out there. Keep it movin, bro.


----------



## happyman64

:iagree:

Read rookies story. That is a good example of consequences, a lesson learned and a truly remorseful spouse.

The truly hard job is not divorce but a real reconciliation.

And that takes two.

Keep moving forward Flood.

Take care of you.


----------



## illwill

You want to think of her less, but you don't want nc?


----------



## illwill

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Read rookies story. That is a good example of consequences, a lesson learned and a truly remorseful spouse.
> 
> The truly hard job is not divorce but a real reconciliation.
> 
> And that takes two.
> 
> Keep moving forward Flood.
> 
> Take care of you.


You should try divorce before you make that comment.


----------



## pplwatching

I have to admit that this thread has me somewhat confused. On the one hand you say that you're happy and don't want to reconcile with your wife. That's fine, and of course that's a choice that I don't question. On the other hand, you say that you are missing her, crave her, and love her. Those are understandable emotions given that your marriage was pulled out from under you, and you're still grieving much the same way you would be if she had died. You also say that you're confident that she's remorseful, still loves you, and wants to reconcile.

As an outsider looking at what you're saying, it seems like reconciling could lead you back to a relationship that has the potential to become very fulfilling for you and actually has a very good chance of being successful. I know that it would take a lot of work on her part to rebuild trust, and that it wouldn't be easy for either of you.

The question that I have for you is, can you write about why you are unwilling to consider reconciling? I am not questioning your decision, just picking up on the fact that you write as though it could actually be good for you.

Best to you


----------



## TheFlood117

illwill said:


> You want to think of her less, but you don't want nc?



Yeah, kinda dumb huh 

I don't want her out of my life, I just don't. I'm still in love with her. I wrestle with hatred and disgust with her and then love and craving her. 

She knows this. 

One of the reasons I got back on TAM was cause what was going one late last night. She started texting me. First it was about are son and stuff. Then she started really ramping it up. She was sexting me, really, really illicitly. I mean stuff that was like, really hot. I can't help it. 

So I guess we had like textsex or whatever. 

After this I was really confused and felt embarrassed. 


Then this morning she started up again and told be me she loved me and that after the divorce she still won't give up getting me back. 

I just, am shocked I guess. I'm very, very confused. I actually want her to hate me or be disgusted with me. It would make this go easier. 

Right now, I don't know whats up. 

Thanks. It helps to talk about this. Cause I don't feel comfortable really telling anyone this stuff. Thanks.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

TheFlood117 said:


> Yeah, kinda dumb huh
> 
> I don't want her out of my life, I just don't. I'm still in love with her. I wrestle with hatred and disgust with her and then love and craving her.
> 
> She knows this.
> 
> One of the reasons I got back on TAM was cause what was going one late last night. She started texting me. First it was about are son and stuff. Then she started really ramping it up. She was sexting me, really, really illicitly. I mean stuff that was like, really hot. I can't help it.
> 
> So I guess we had like textsex or whatever.
> 
> After this I was really confused and felt embarrassed.
> 
> 
> Then this morning she started up again and told be me she loved me and that after the divorce she still won't give up getting me back.
> 
> I just, am shocked I guess. I'm very, very confused. I actually want her to hate me or be disgusted with me. It would make this go easier.
> 
> Right now, I don't know whats up.
> 
> Thanks. It helps to talk about this. Cause I don't feel comfortable really telling anyone this stuff. Thanks.


There is a thread on TAM that is very similar to your situation. I forget who the poster was, but in a nutshell his wife cheated on him, he divorced and had lots and lots of women. His ex regretted it and kept working hard at getting him back - even remaining "faithful" to him while he continued to have sex with plenty of women. They eventually reconciled. Another poster can link it here because I forget who it was TBH.


----------



## Truthseeker1

TheFlood117 said:


> Yeah, kinda dumb huh
> 
> I don't want her out of my life, I just don't. I'm still in love with her. I wrestle with hatred and disgust with her and then love and craving her.
> 
> She knows this.
> 
> One of the reasons I got back on TAM was cause what was going one late last night. She started texting me. First it was about are son and stuff. Then she started really ramping it up. She was sexting me, really, really illicitly. I mean stuff that was like, really hot. I can't help it.
> 
> So I guess we had like textsex or whatever.
> 
> After this I was really confused and felt embarrassed.
> 
> 
> Then this morning she started up again and told be me she loved me and that after the divorce she still won't give up getting me back.
> 
> I just, am shocked I guess. I'm very, very confused. I actually want her to hate me or be disgusted with me. It would make this go easier.
> 
> Right now, I don't know whats up.
> 
> Thanks. It helps to talk about this. Cause I don't feel comfortable really telling anyone this stuff. Thanks.


Is she dating anyone now?


----------



## Shaggy

A great way to get past her is build new experiences and memories with someone else.

Not just sex, but shared emotional experiences.


----------



## Lovemytruck

I missed the time since your d-day. Looks like your joined in March, so if that was near the time it has only been 7-8 months.

It takes a great deal of time, distance, and effort to emotionally detach. My marriage was for 23 years, and d-day was just shy of 3 years ago. The feelings of fondness and love on an emotional level smolder for some time.

In my case a new relationship did help to fill the void from the loss.

The attraction you feel may also be seperated in your mind from love. The attraction may always be there on some level. Attraction is not exclusive. Attraction *should* be a part of any future relationship, but it is like fire. We should recognize attraction and *treat it with caution*.

Your story is amazing. Glad to see the contrast from most of us that suffer in limbo before we see things clearly.

Best wishes, and thanks for sharing!

Just my $0.02.


----------



## TheFlood117

Truthseeker1 said:


> Is she dating anyone now?



No. And get this one, so when she heard that I was getting some action when she was with our son. The next week when he was with me, she posted stuff on FB of her going out and dancing and she even bragged about having "game" and that she took a young guy home. And that she and I quote- "learned from the best player in the game". 

Me. That's a private joke we had about my past when we we're dating and newly weds, she use to say that she married the best player in the game and she was proud she could tame the beast, lol. 

This was purposely done. 

It's like she did this to get my attention, which is scary and dumb. 

I think she's got poor coping skills, or something. Or she's just batsh!t nuts. 

But then again, so am I. I guess. 

Like I said, it hasn't gone all according to plan. 

But the divorce is on the way. And I will not relent or hesitate. Nor for a second. I am 100 percent committed to dissolving the marriage. 

It's just the games she's playing. 

I mean she hasn't really fought me on anything. She moved out. Like I asked. She's giving me the house. Like I asked. Custody agreement. like I asked. Everything. 

Then she's kept trying to get me back. 

I feel like Al Pacino in Godfather part 3 you know. 

"just when I think I'm out.... The pull me back in!!", lol. 

I can't help it. 

But it's nice to get this stuff off my chest. Thanks.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Sounds like the game is her priority. Batsh!t crazy. Lol!

I kind of think most relationships go through a phase of it. Sounds like she wanted to play, but didn't plan on losing the game.

Is she competive? Maybe her motive is having it all. You were the prize.


----------



## Truthseeker1

TheFlood117 said:


> No. And get this one, so when she heard that I was getting some action when she was with our son. *The next week when he was with me, she posted stuff on FB of her going out and dancing and she even bragged about having "game" and that she took a young guy home. And that she and I quote- "learned from the best player in the game". *
> 
> Me. That's a private joke we had about my past when we we're dating and newly weds, she use to say that she married the best player in the game and she was proud she could tame the beast, lol.
> 
> This was purposely done.
> 
> It's like she did this to get my attention, which is scary and dumb.
> 
> I think she's got poor coping skills, or something. Or she's just batsh!t nuts.
> 
> But then again, so am I. I guess.
> 
> Like I said, it hasn't gone all according to plan.
> 
> But the divorce is on the way. And I will not relent or hesitate. Nor for a second. I am 100 percent committed to dissolving the marriage.
> 
> It's just the games she's playing.
> 
> I mean she hasn't really fought me on anything. She moved out. Like I asked. She's giving me the house. Like I asked. Custody agreement. like I asked. Everything.
> 
> Then she's kept trying to get me back.
> 
> I feel like Al Pacino in Godfather part 3 you know.
> 
> "just when I think I'm out.... The pull me back in!!", lol.
> 
> I can't help it.
> 
> But it's nice to get this stuff off my chest. Thanks.


wow how old is this woman? do you think she was lying?


----------



## Healer

illwill said:


> You want to think of her less, but you don't want nc?


NC unless it's about kids or finances (necessary stuff) is the only way.

You need to try and put her out of your head - tough as that may be. This is embarrassing, but up until recently I would picture my stbxww when I was "pulling at it". I didn't feel love or miss her, but I guess it was just habit because she was all I knew for 15 years. I don't do that any more. That was a HUGE part of disconnecting - removing her from my sexual thoughts. Now I picture one of her friends. 

But seriously, letting go of that sexual hold she had on me was paramount to detaching and moving on. I never fantasize about her any more. And that in and of itself is a good felling - a feeling of moving on with my life.


----------



## Lordhavok

TheFlood117 said:


> And how she didn't love OM and that she thought of me during her time with him... blah, blah, blah.
> 
> Yeah right, I'm sure she was thinking all about you while the other guy was on top of her pounding away.
> 
> When I told the OM wife, she wanted to meet. After we met, she totally wanted to bang. I could have banged the wife of the guy that banged my wife.
> 
> I would have totally done that dude, I would have f*cked her silly and sent her back home to that peice of sh*t.
> 
> Dude, your a better man than I. I wish I had half of the composure that you have displayed here, others should take note and use the high road as you have. Good going man.


----------



## illwill

Stop playing games if you are serious about divorce. My story is very similar. I had her out the house on dday. We were divorced in 6 months. No flirting or hysterical bonding. I simply no longer respected or loved her. If you feel the same you need to start nc. If not, then perhaps leave the door open. Don't live in limbo.


----------



## Jasel

Plan 9 from OS said:


> There is a thread on TAM that is very similar to your situation. I forget who the poster was, but in a nutshell his wife cheated on him, he divorced and had lots and lots of women. His ex regretted it and kept working hard at getting him back - even remaining "faithful" to him while he continued to have sex with plenty of women. They eventually reconciled. Another poster can link it here because I forget who it was TBH.


You're probably thinking of Rookie4


----------



## happyman64

illwill said:


> You should try divorce before you make that comment.


Iwill

Read Rookies story.

He threw his wife out. Divorced his wife.

Banged about 20 chicks which drove her insane.

Long story short they both very much love each other, wanted to be with each other and are working on Reconciliation.

Both processes are difficult. 

But Reconciliation takes a lot more work and a lot more time.

HM


----------



## LostViking

Why not ask her to move back in after the divorce is final? She can be your live in girlfriend, you can live as a married couple, and you can watch her like a hawk while you are banging the daylights out of her. If after a few years, she has not strayed and has proven to you she can stay faithful and her affair was a one-off, you can get remarried. 

The beauty of it is there will be no marital bonds and you can kick her azz out at any time if she strays again.


----------



## just got it 55

Hey Flood
I have read many posts of men in your position If I were one of them I would be curled up in a corner in a fetal position. Many are in such denial it seems pathetic .But to them it is an abyss of pain and disillusion.
But you my brother are a FREEKIN ROCK STAR. I am so proud of you and your strength. You do what you must to get you and your son’s life on track.
All the best
D 
BY Just got it 55 From your 1st thread


----------



## happyman64

TheFlood117 said:


> No. And get this one, so when she heard that I was getting some action when she was with our son. The next week when he was with me, she posted stuff on FB of her going out and dancing and she even bragged about having "game" and that she took a young guy home. And that she and I quote- "learned from the best player in the game".
> 
> Me. That's a private joke we had about my past when we we're dating and newly weds, she use to say that she married the best player in the game and she was proud she could tame the beast, lol.
> 
> This was purposely done.
> 
> It's like she did this to get my attention, which is scary and dumb.
> 
> I think she's got poor coping skills, or something. Or she's just batsh!t nuts.
> 
> But then again, so am I. I guess.
> 
> Like I said, it hasn't gone all according to plan.
> 
> But the divorce is on the way. And I will not relent or hesitate. Nor for a second. I am 100 percent committed to dissolving the marriage.
> 
> It's just the games she's playing.
> 
> I mean she hasn't really fought me on anything. She moved out. Like I asked. She's giving me the house. Like I asked. Custody agreement. like I asked. Everything.
> 
> Then she's kept trying to get me back.
> 
> I feel like Al Pacino in Godfather part 3 you know.
> 
> "just when I think I'm out.... The pull me back in!!", lol.
> 
> I can't help it.
> 
> But it's nice to get this stuff off my chest. Thanks.


Flood

Isn't amazing how a smart, beautiful woman can have a wonderful marriage, family and life but throw it all away for a stupid, selfish act.

What a shame your STBXW has such low self esteem. Her horrible actions have very little to do with you.

While you are rebuilding your manhood she is still slinging mud. Sadly she thinks you evening the score. She has no clue what she has taken from you.

Keep rebuilding. It does get better.

Glad you came back flood.

HM


----------



## KanDo

Congratulations on your resolve and on your success to date. Your story parallels mine in some respects in that the WW repeatedly attempted to reconcile. I am glad your divorce is rapidly coming to completion. I am STILL not divorced. Money is a strong motivator.


----------



## illwill

happyman64 said:


> Iwill
> 
> Read Rookies story.
> 
> He threw his wife out. Divorced his wife.
> 
> Banged about 20 chicks which drove her insane.
> 
> Long story short they both very much love each other, wanted to be with each other and are working on Reconciliation.
> 
> Both processes are difficult.
> 
> But Reconciliation takes a lot more work and a lot more time.
> 
> HM


I read rookie story. All of it. I don't see the relevance. How about losing the house you saved up for and repaired for years? Or the looks of failure you get from family? Or the friends that were not yours, but actually your wife's? And don't get me started on the financial fallout. I have a friend who is still sleeping on my couch because of a divorce. And the children? Seeing them half the time is hell. What about the om in your house trying to replace you? Can u imagine the fear of never finding another mate? Never minimize what you don't understand. Many people never recover from divorce.


----------



## happyman64

illwill said:


> I read rookie story. All of it. I don't see the relevance. How about losing the house you saved up for and repaired for years? Or the looks of failure you get from family? Or the friends that were not yours, but actually your wife's? And don't get me started on the financial fallout. I have a friend who is still sleeping on my couch because of a divorce. And the children? Seeing them half the time is hell. What about the om in your house trying to replace you? Can u imagine the fear of never finding another mate? Never minimize what you don't understand. Many people never recover from divorce.


illwill
start your own thread. You have very deep posts.

But IMO every item above is an excuse.

Divorce does not equate devastation unless you let it.

So the house is gone. So the money is gone. So you see the children 50% of the time.

Everyone of those things are real and painful.

But they only remain that way if you let it. Will it be easy recovering? No.

Will it cost a lot? Yes it will.

Can it all be overcome including your children turning out ok? Yes it can.

But it takes a lot of hardwork.

HM


----------



## illwill

My divorce turned out great. But many do not. I advocate it often. But i do that knowing how hard it can be for others. Because i have empathy. I would never be arrogant enough to tell a person in reconciliation that divorce is harder. And neither should you. And don't direct me to start my own post.


----------



## happyman64

I wish you nothing but the best illwill.


----------



## illwill

You too, brother.


----------



## Vulcan2013

OP, sh!tty hand well played.


----------



## LongWalk

HM wishes a brother TAMer nothing but the "best illwill". 

Rookie's thread is absolutely relevant. And Tears, too.

Flood taught his stbx, the mother of his child, a lesson. Naturally, he is interested to see the result of it.

Divorce is part of the lesson. Perhaps when it is final he'll invite her for a drink and feel nothing. Perhaps he'll see such pain in her eyes that he will open the door.

Relations between men and women are not rational. Who in truth would want them to be?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## illwill

I don't believe in following through with a divorce to teach a lesson. Filing is one thing, but following through to simply teach is wreckless and immature. I don't bluff. And i don't play games. I got the sense rookie divorced because he was done. His wife's reaction to the divorce, as well as all the other women not measuring up, is what changed his mind. I could be wrong, but so could you. You can keep the childish and irrational women. I want a adult. If you still struggle with my points, pm me. But bring a better argument. Brother.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

She want's you back so bad because she can't have you.

If you want her to stop wanting you so bad, take her back. She'll start pulling away again in less than a year.

Mark my words.

The next time she get's pushy, ask her why she's not calling/texting her new "best player".


----------



## azteca1986

LostViking said:


> Why not ask her to move back in after the divorce is final? She can be your live in girlfriend, you can live as a married couple, and you can watch her like a hawk while you are banging the daylights out of her. If after a few years, she has not strayed and has proven to you she can stay faithful and her affair was a one-off, you can get remarried.
> 
> The beauty of it is there will be no marital bonds and you can kick her azz out at any time if she strays again.


They have a young son together. It would be too confusing for him; getting his hopes up one day, only to dash them the next. And what he'd learn about married life in the meantime is anyone's guess.


----------



## workindad

OP are you assuming that she didn't bring some young guy home? Do you care? 

Building new experiences with someone who can be in a healthy relationship will help your present struggles. 

If you want her to stop sexting you... Ask her if the messages and photos are being shared with any other men now or if she just copied her messages from the dbag she cheated on you with. 


Good luck

Stay the course. It does get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

illwill said:


> I don't believe in following through with a divorce to teach a lesson. Filing is one thing, but following through to simply teach is wreckless and immature. I don't bluff. And i don't play games. I got the sense rookie divorced because he was done. His wife's reaction to the divorce, as well as all the other women not measuring up, is what changed his mind. I could be wrong, but so could you. You can keep the childish and irrational women. I want a adult. If you still struggle with my points, pm me. But bring a better argument. Brother.


I don't think we really have any disagreement. Divorce is not a lesson but the resolution to a failed marriage. The process of divorce and the post divorce life are new for all and in that sense are a lesson.


----------



## TheFlood117

Hey, all. thanks for the kind words and support. 

A poster asked if my wife is competitive. 

She is very competitive. She likes to win at things. She' a lot like me in that respect. 

I think this is her way of coping with losing me. She's perceiving that she can win me back. 

It's sad, but I can't help that. 

My son told me today that he wants to see his mom. So I think I'll let him stay with her for at least a couple days. 

When I told my wife she was overwhelmed with happiness. She said that the way she's encouraged and let her spend time with our son as been amazing. She told me that I was an amazing man. Full on charm. I tried to not let it make me happy. But it did. Guess, I still do care how she views me. But I think time will fade that. I hope, lol. 

And I am not going to not divorce her. 

I am fully committed to that. I have been un-unrelentingly methodical in the way I have gotten everything I wanted. 

After d-day I contemplated not letting her see our son. Possession is 9/10 of the law. But I thought that would be overtly abusive and nasty, using my son against his mother. Plus, she is a good mom. Her affair stuff happened during her work hours. Never did her affair impact her time with our son. She's a good mom, just a p!ss poor wife and lying cheating wh0re. 

But live and learn you know. 

Thanks for all the support.


----------



## Garry2012

TheFlood117 said:


> After d-day I contemplated not letting her see our son. Possession is 9/10 of the law. But I thought that would be overtly abusive and nasty, using my son against his mother. Plus, she is a good mom. Her affair stuff happened during her work hours. Never did her affair impact her time with our son. She's a good mom, just a p!ss poor wife and lying cheating wh0re.
> 
> But live and learn you know.
> 
> Thanks for all the support.


Yeah, keep in mind that you are hurting your son too when you do that. I havent read most of your thread, I am just reading the regret piece in hopes that some day I get to be in the position you are. My x was a bad wife and a lying cheater too, and frankly a mostly uninvolved mother. But she is the mother and the kids will ALWAYS see her that way. You will only make yourself look bad in his eyes for keeping him from her.


----------



## illwill

I agree with your wife's view of you.


----------



## LongWalk

"Not going to not divorce her" is nice double negative. Rookie only reconciled after divorce. Tears is also trying to R after D. In her last post, a couple if weeks ago, she said that her ex was now sleeping over on weekends. 

Daddy was now the special guest and the kids were overjoyed. They had not been intimate yet, but she seemed hopeful. The fall off in her posts may a positive sign.

If your post D wife is still working her butt off to win you back, there is no law that says your selfish genes cannot fall for hers. The competitive streak and diplomacy on her side is a sign of quality, perhaps. What's your read?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## bandit.45

illwill said:


> I agree with your wife's view of you.


Damn....and I thought I was a hardazz...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheFlood117

Like I said, I'm going through with the divorce. But I am still highly attracted to my wife. I'd say just on looks alone she's a 9, so it's hard to not want her. Plus, she's not a bad person. She just made a really, really bad choice. It's only been 7 months since I got confirmation of the physical affair. I talked to a therapist about this and he said it's perfectly normal, and that when one is connected emotionally and physically the way I was with my ex, it's going to take a very, very long time. And it sometimes never fades. 


Would I take my wife back after the divorce? 

The chance is slim. 


But she has handled her self very well during this. And I couldn't be happier about that. For our sons sake. 

I'm glad the kids with her. Cause I think it's time for daddy flood to have a little fun and cut loose this weekend. 


I think some Beer, football, video games and booty calls are on the schedule. 

Thanks TAM.


----------



## theroad

TheFlood117 said:


> Hello TAM community.
> 
> 
> I was the guy with the cheating wife. The one that found the evidence, yuck
> 
> Well, I thought I give an update, since I got such great support and advice from this awesome forum.
> 
> 
> Things are pretty good, all things considered, The divorce will be finalized in about 7 weeks hopefully. It's gone relatively smooth on the splitting of assets and custody. A few bumps here and there. He agreed to joint custody 50/50 for our son. As I believe than a son needs his mom, even if his mom cheated on her husband.
> 
> Speaking of, I can't help but kinda give my self a high five and chest bump the way I handled D-day and exposure. Not only did I accomplish the goal of having ex-wife served at work. But it happened in front of everyone, including the d-bag OM. At the same time, I exposed her to friends and family, far and wide. It was legit.
> 
> She freaked, lol. Came home in tears and absolutely shocked, she was crying and shaking. I thought about holding her, but then I realized I didn't want to catch "cheating dumb wh0re" syndrome. So I just watched the breakdown.
> 
> Then I said, in a cold, calculating tone. "I need you to pack a few things and go stay with your sister or parents for a while, I don't think our son needs to see you in this state. So please, get off the floor and start packing some things and leave".
> 
> And she did.
> 
> OWNED.
> 
> It worked, lol. I really couldn't believe it, but full on exposure and a cool, calm attitude crushed her into submission. I wanted to like do a huge celebration maybe dance the dougie or something. But I kept my cool demeanor as she got packed in tears, saying how she "loves me" and "I'm her heart and soul"... Dafuq???? :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:
> 
> And how she didn't love OM and that she thought of me during her time with him... blah, blah, blah.
> 
> I just was like "yeah, I understand. But you need to leave, so just focus on packing your clothes."
> 
> She said she wanted to go get our son and take him with her, I said "NOT. GOING. To. Happen." I guess I kinda got all alpha male on her and kinda intimidated her a bit, and she really started crying. She even said, that I could go have other girls and stuff, and then we could be even. All sorts of really crazy and f*cked up things started coming out of her mouth. Like "she thought I was having an affair when she was pregnant, and that she feels that she's not good enough for me and that she doesn't like how women look and flirt with me, and that I could even bring another girl home (like all guys, I've fantasized about my wife with another girl, but I was never really serious about it) and it would "break her heart" but she would let it happen. I mean, just some wacky stuff.
> 
> Well, she left but not after she tried to f*ck me, I mean full on like c*ck hungry slvt, but I turned her down ( I gotta admit, it was really tough as my wife is so beautiful, even when she cries). Then she just got quite and cried into my chest, she said "do you hate me". I said, I don't hate you, but I can't stand the sight or sound of you and you really need to leave. But yes, I kinda hate you.
> 
> Then she left.
> 
> 
> And then I cried, uncontrollably. I wept. I think it was just the stress and the realization that this all happened in about 2 hours . I just set on the couch and cried, for a while. Then I stopped, and took a long cold shower. After I felt pretty good.
> 
> Our son, was confused that mom wasn't living in the house anymore, but I told him that Mommy and Daddy are going to not be around each other like we used to. That Mom and Dad have decided the best thing would be to just be Mom and Dad. Then I hugged him and held him for what seemed like an eternity.
> 
> 
> Big changes happened. But with my incredibly family support and great friends I adopted to being a single dad pretty well.
> 
> The ex-wife moved in with her Parents for a few months, then got herself a small house to rent.
> 
> I never kept our son from his mom. When he wanted to see her and stay with her, I let him. I feel that, because I have such a strong relationship with my mother, my son deserves at least the opportunity to form a bond with his mom, even if his mom did something bad to his father. I felt that being a good father and adult required me to encourage a good relationship with his mom.
> 
> 
> But it hasn't been all smooth sailing. I've had some setback and have almost or been on the verge of f*cking everything up. When I told the OM wife, she wanted to meet. After we met, she totally wanted to bang. I could have banged the wife of the guy that banged my wife. I thought about it. I really did. But then I thought that I wouldn't' let my wife's behavior curve mine, so I didn't do it, but again, it was so, oh so tempting. My exwife didn't stop trying to "win" me back. She consistently (still does) makes advancements towards me. And I've almost slipped up. Almost. But I've done ok. This has been a very emotional time in my life. And I've found a new found energy, an extra gear I guess. I have trucked through it.
> 
> Now, I have had some fun, when my son is with his mother. And oh boy, has ex-wife really gotten jealous. I can't help it. With all this stress I need release. And there are plenty of women who are willing to release it with me, lol. Nothing serious, but I got a consistent booty call list going on. It's nice.
> 
> But I do miss my wife, I won't lie, I love her. Big time. It's been so, so tough. I mean, my god, she's absolutely stunning and we just have "it". Now, I am going full steam into the divorce. I will not reconcile with her or placate and become a doormat. But I do crave her. It makes me sad and anxious. I wish I could go no contact, but that's impossible. And plus, If I'm honest, I don't really want to. Like I said. Emotionally draining. This has been the only thing that's shocked me about this- how much I still love my exwife. On d-day I basically despised and lamented her. But it did change, and we have had some arguments and she has gotten crude and downright mean to be, but for the most part, I can tell she's very, very remorseful about what she did.
> 
> I have thought about taking her back, but then I think about the lying and the pictures. And I just can't do it. There's something in me that won't let me I guess. I just wish it never had happened. I wish it were an emotional affair or ONS or something. Maybe then I could have reconciled. But I can't. And I won't. And I'm sad about it. But life goes on and I'm a better man and father because of this. So like my grandpa used to say "Shave that dog at teach it to hunt. Chin up cowboy, saddle in, you got things to do".
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks TAM for being here. Thanks for the advice. A great community.
> 
> And for all betrayed spouse on here looking for advice, lost in the void of betrayal. It's dark. It's cold. But TAM is a warm place and has some great people on it. Vent it out here and seek advice.
> 
> 
> Thanks.


Normal to be conflicted to want her and want to divorce her at the same time. This is the reason why BS's are told to wait 6 months before making life changing decisions.

Even though you are getting a divorce you should get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley to help you heal from this affair.


----------



## illwill

So many people turn that 6 months into self imposed limbo.


----------



## TheFlood117

No limbo for me. Staying the course. Had a good night. Gonna have a great day. Thanks TAM for all your support. This forum has been a valuable tool and resource for me. Thank-you. I don't know if I'll update again for awhile unless something big happens. But I think I'll float around here, chiming in to help other betrayed spouses. It's the least I can do. As I got great support and advice here. 

Thanks again.


----------



## bandit.45

Keep us updated Flood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## raven3321

Maybe I missed it Flood, but did you ever ask or find out "why" she go together with the OM? Did she feel something was missing or did he just charm the pants off her?


----------



## TheFlood117

raven3321 said:


> Maybe I missed it Flood, but did you ever ask or find out "why" she go together with the OM? Did she feel something was missing or did he just charm the pants off her?



She began emotionally being a little distant to me about 6 or 7 weeks prior to d-day. I believe this is when the PA began, I think she was in an emotional affair probably 2 or 3 weeks prior to that with scumbag. She told me she had an affair because she felt that I had or was having lots of affairs in the past and stuff, and she felt that I can be and I quote- "emotionally vacant", lol. She told me she was not in love with OM, that I was a better lover and blah, blah, blah.

A bunch of crazy WW talk. She tells me almost everytime we talk that she loves me still and isn't giving up on "us" even after the divorce. But lately she's been volatile and nasty to me, she's cruel and mean one day- like recently she told me that she wished she would have cheated more and that I am abusive to her :scratchhead::scratchhead:
then the next she say's she loves me and can't fathom me not in her life. Then the next she calls me a womanizer and tells me that I'm gonna turn our son into me :rofl::rofl: ha, he should be so lucky .

So.... Yeah. I guess she's just really seeing that her affair was not worth our family and that she is really, really getting jealous of all the hotties I've been slayin'. Bout it really. 

I still do love her. I am in therapy about it. It sucks. Divorce sucks. But it's really the only way to go with a WW. Really tho, my biggest concern is an easy transition for my son, my feelings and issues are secondary. 

My short answer to why she cheated is. 

Because she wanted too and because she could- like all cheaters. But she got caught, like all cheaters eventually do. And like all cheaters, she is regretting her life choices.


----------



## MovingAhead

I know that dating a gorgeous woman drove my EX nuts. Living well really is for you but the fact that it sticks in the craw of the cheater that they cheated on you and you traded up, well yes I can be immature at times but it feels good.


----------



## tom67

TheFlood117 said:


> She began emotionally being a little distant to me about 6 or 7 weeks prior to d-day. I believe this is when the PA began, I think she was in an emotional affair probably 2 or 3 weeks prior to that with scumbag. She told me she had an affair because she felt that I had or was having lots of affairs in the past and stuff, and she felt that I can be and I quote- "emotionally vacant", lol. She told me she was not in love with OM, that I was a better lover and blah, blah, blah.
> 
> A bunch of crazy WW talk. She tells me almost everytime we talk that she loves me still and isn't giving up on "us" even after the divorce. But lately she's been volatile and nasty to me, she's cruel and mean one day- like recently she told me that she wished she would have cheated more and that I am abusive to her :scratchhead::scratchhead:
> then the next she say's she loves me and can't fathom me not in her life. Then the next she calls me a womanizer and tells me that I'm gonna turn our son into me :rofl::rofl: ha, he should be so lucky .
> 
> So.... Yeah. I guess she's just really seeing that her affair was not worth our family and that she is really, really getting jealous of all the hotties I've been slayin'. Bout it really.
> 
> I still do love her. I am in therapy about it. It sucks. Divorce sucks. But it's really the only way to go with a WW. Really tho, my biggest concern is an easy transition for my son, my feelings and issues are secondary.
> 
> My short answer to why she cheated is.
> 
> Because she wanted too and because she could- like all cheaters. But she got caught, like all cheaters eventually do. And like all cheaters, she is regretting her life choices.


She can't face her guilt.
Look up the rationalization hampster.

Right now she can't live with what she did.
Have you done the omw yet.
Just kidding take care.


----------



## happyman64

> Because she wanted too and because she could- like all cheaters. But she got caught, like all cheaters eventually do. And like all cheaters, she is regretting her life choices.


Selfishness and Entitlement in its simplest form.

How sad.

Keep moving forward Flood.

What truly sucks is that you still love her. And she knows it.

It gets better in time.

HM


----------



## Chaparral

TheFlood117 said:


> She began emotionally being a little distant to me about 6 or 7 weeks prior to d-day. I believe this is when the PA began, I think she was in an emotional affair probably 2 or 3 weeks prior to that with scumbag. She told me she had an affair because she felt that I had or was having lots of affairs in the past and stuff, and she felt that I can be and I quote- "emotionally vacant", lol. She told me she was not in love with OM, that I was a better lover and blah, blah, blah.
> 
> A bunch of crazy WW talk. She tells me almost everytime we talk that she loves me still and isn't giving up on "us" even after the divorce. But lately she's been volatile and nasty to me, she's cruel and mean one day- like recently she told me that she wished she would have cheated more and that I am abusive to her :scratchhead::scratchhead:
> then the next she say's she loves me and can't fathom me not in her life. Then the next she calls me a womanizer and tells me that I'm gonna turn our son into me :rofl::rofl: ha, he should be so lucky .
> 
> So.... Yeah. I guess she's just really seeing that her affair was not worth our family and that she is really, really getting jealous of all the hotties I've been slayin'. Bout it really.
> 
> I still do love her. I am in therapy about it. It sucks. Divorce sucks. But it's really the only way to go with a WW. Really tho, my biggest concern is an easy transition for my son, my feelings and issues are secondary.
> 
> My short answer to why she cheated is.
> 
> Because she wanted too and because she could- like all cheaters. But she got caught, like all cheaters eventually do. And like all cheaters, she is regretting her life choices.


Here are two things I believe you should print off and give your wife in order. It may save the mother of your child in the future. 

Good luck


The first one is by the kind of guy your wife fell for.

*Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. He posted something similar to me, here it is.:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
*


The second is what she did to herself

*You’re Sorry? 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For what? For getting caught? For failing as a wife and mother? For hurting me? Yourself? Letting down everyone who has a stake in our marriage? It’s never really been clear to me why you’re sorry. If I understood you and your actions, this thing might be easier for us both.

If you’re sorry for what you did to me, you can let it go. I’m well beyond the worst of the pain and long ago accepted the fact that a person like me can never really understand why you engaged in an extended adulterous relationship and an even more extended period of cover-ups.

Yes, it’s true that I was emotionally crippled by your infidelity, and was continually and effectively beat-down by your lying and gaslighting, but I’m a tough man. Much tougher than you. You only have the power to destroy me if I give you that power, and I hereby officially revoke your privileges. I’m back on my feet, much stronger and much wiser.

Now that the pain has subsided, ration and logic prevail. With the veil of love and intimacy -- through which I viewed and idealized you – rent asunder, your true nature and character are revealed to me. I no longer deceive myself. I no longer believe what my heart wants to believe, but believe what I see; I believe the evidence. This does not bode well for you.

For so many years, even when things were tough between us, I considered you easily within the top 5th percentile of women. Truly, that was a function of me being gravely deceived by my heart. Now that ration prevails, let’s do the calculations, shall we?

Channeling the various experts, generally accepted statistics show that 60% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Out of that 60%, approximately 65% of the offenders are men, and 35% are women. So, calculating that back out into the general population, you are already solidly in the lower 25th percentile.

Out of that lower 25th percentile, I can speculate that few would’ve gone to the extent of lying, deceiving, and gaslighting to which you stooped. As your secrets unraveled around you, I sometimes marveled as just how stupid you sounded, and was astounded that you expected me to believe your outrageous drivel. No, I can’t help but believe that a goodly number of the lower 25th percentile would’ve understood when the gig was up, and would’ve come clean long before creating a circus for the sole purpose of acting the chief clown, as you did.

By my calculations, the woman my heart thought was a top five-percenter turned out to easily reside in the realm of the lower 10th percentile.

Caveat emptor, indeed.

How could you treat me with such contempt? How could you think me so stupid as to accept your lies? How could you risk your financial well-being, the respect of your children, your health, your employment, your reputation, everything that we built together over 25 years? 

I think I know. Contrary to my earlier contention, I guess I do understand you: it’s called projection.

You thought me gullible, yet you were the one to drop your panties to the first little piggy that blew a few kind words under your skirt.

You thought me desperate, yet you’re the one who left no lie untold in order to remain in our home.

You thought me ignorant, yet you followed the script of every other adulterous woman, shining the spotlight of shame so brightly on yourself that the Three Wise Men themselves couldn’t have helped but follow the trail.

You thought me manipulative, yet you carefully orchestrated an environment where I continued to support you materially while you secretly fed my treasure to another.

You thought me weak. You thought me vindictive. You thought me needy. You thought me controlling. You thought me immoral. You thought me dishonest. You thought me uncaring. You thought me an unfit parent.

I was simply your mirror. You looked at me, but you saw yourself. You hated what you saw, so you set out to destroy it.

And so you did.

You thought me a cold, callous man. In this one instance, you were correct – as you now find. *


----------



## BetrayedDad

Chaparral said:


> *Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. He posted something similar to me, here it is.:
> ***********************************************
> 
> My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.
> 
> For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.
> 
> I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
> 1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
> 2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
> 3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.
> 
> The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.
> 
> If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.
> 
> Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.
> 
> I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.
> 
> I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.
> 
> As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.
> 
> The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.
> 
> I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.
> 
> 
> I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.
> 
> I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.
> 
> It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.
> 
> Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.
> 
> It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
> *



Thanks for reposting that. 

Seems to be very accurate of the mindset of most of these types of guys. The sad part is I think most of these women DO know better. They don't fall for anything. They WANT to have fun and the opportunity is presenting itself. They knowingly play the game too.


----------



## warlock07

> But lately she's been volatile and nasty to me, she's cruel and mean one day- like recently she told me that she wished she would have cheated more and that I am abusive to her


Maybe she is seeing other people now. Will that matter to you ?

Also, are you dating around?

Did the affair not effect her job?


----------



## LostViking

It's all projection of her own self loathing and self-hatred. 

She's caught in a Catch 22. She needs validation from other men to feel desirable and important, but the act of sleeping with them to get that validation leaves her feeling cheap and used. It really is pathetic that the one thing cheaters like her do to feel good about themselves ends up dragging them down into the abyss. 

She sees Flood moving on, going out and dating these younger, better looking women, and she knows she blew it big time. Couple that with the self-loathing, and the only avenue she has to release that pain is onto Flood himself... so she erupts and says cold cruel things to him as a way to drag him down to her level.


----------



## LongWalk

Of course her out bursts of nastiness are just an expression of desperation. Being scorned is very tough when you have begged and pleaded.



> She even said, that I could go have other girls and stuff, and then we could be even. All sorts of really crazy and f*cked up things started coming out of her mouth. Like "she thought I was having an affair when she was pregnant, and that she feels that she's not good enough for me and that she doesn't like how women look and flirt with me, and that* I could even bring another girl home (like all guys, I've fantasized about my wife with another girl, but I was never really serious about it) and it would "break her heart" but she would let it happen. I mean, just some wacky stuff.*


It is amazing how she spontaneously could cook up this suggestion. The threesome offer is probably not on the table anymore.


----------



## sammy3

LostViking said:


> It's all projection of her own self loathing and self-hatred.
> 
> She's caught in a Catch 22. She needs validation from other men to feel desirable and important, but the act of sleeping with them to get that validation leaves her feeling cheap and used. It really is pathetic that the one thing cheaters like her do to feel good about themselves ends up dragging them down into the abyss.


One could very easily replace "she" with "he", as many men go the same. 

~ sammy


----------



## LongWalk

Sammy,

Don't you think that although both men and women can hurt themselve through this sort of behavior, women naturally suffer more because they have an instinct to modesty?

For both men and women simply having too many sex partners must eventually cause psychological damage.

Flood,

How long do you think her desire to reconcile wil last? She must be losing hope. Do you hope that she informs you when she decides to date to kill the pain? Do you anticipate momentary regret when she moves on?


----------



## hawx20

WyshIknew said:


> Well I'm probably perverse but I would have been so tempted to eff OM's wife.
> 
> And I would have made it the best I could manage, really go to town on her, do my damndest to give her the hump of her life.
> 
> Then send her back to OM.
> 
> But I suppose you did the right thing.


:lol:
F'ng love this....Yeah, i would have broken the bed with her....show her how a real man does it...i know I would bang the wife of the OM mine had an affair with. Her face isnt as pretty as my wifes, but her body is banging and better than my wifes


----------



## happyman64

So Flood I saw in a post on another site that you are officially divorced.

Congrats.

I also saw you say that you still love your wife.

TBH I am not surprised.......

Update us on how you are doing and if your EXW is still fighting your you.

Stay safe Flood at work.

Let us know how your son is doing as well.

HM


----------



## LongWalk

Flood's exposure was done so well that his wife was blown away. Is it effect of his resolute action that fired her remorse? Perhaps she does not really love him and just wants to have what has been take from her?

Flood seems compare his subsequent GFs with his ex.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## sammy3

Flood, 

I would think that a man who cheats and cheats and cheat on his wife, or goes from one women to one women, may find that after awhile,it's empty...it's just not where it at, that one needs more in life than just fulling sexual desires.

I know men are "dogs" but an empty life of just wandering from one women to the next... Searching and searching, same conversation with the next... I dunno. 

A man so unhappy in his life, jumping from one women to another to stroke his ego, if he's got half of a brain he might see that this isn't going to do it. His life is only going to go downhill into that abyss.

I'm not referring to happy healthy people here... 

~ sammy


----------



## TheFlood117

Doing alright, it's been a tough week- not just divorce related, had a tough work week too. But I'm hanging in there. Son is doing well, took him to shoot hoops the other day for the first time. It was epic. Still sad but coping. Bout all you can do really. Just cope. Thanks TAM.


----------



## sammy3

Ooops, sorry flood, my responds was to go to Longwalk, sorry Longwalk.

But hang in there too, flood... 

~sammy


----------



## happyman64

TheFlood117 said:


> Doing alright, it's been a tough week- not just divorce related, had a tough work week too. But I'm hanging in there. Son is doing well, took him to shoot hoops the other day for the first time. It was epic. Still sad but coping. Bout all you can do really. Just cope. Thanks TAM.


You cope for awhile. Lick the wounds.

But do not wait for too long. 

Set a time limit then decide when it is time for Flood 2.0 to emerge as a new man ready to conquer the world.

Glad your boy is well and shooting hoops.

Keep moving forward a Flood or I will send the Master Chief after you. 

Peace.

HM


----------



## manticore

TheFlood117 said:


> Prior to my wife we had such an incredible bond. Not just sexual, which despite having a little kid, was really, really good. But the emotional bond is what I loved the most, I just felt so close to her. I felt that she was a part of my being. I can't really explain it, It was just so good.





TheFlood117 said:


> She began emotionally being a little distant to me about 6 or 7 weeks prior to d-day. I believe this is when the PA began, I think she was in an emotional affair probably 2 or 3 weeks prior to that with scumbag. She told me she had an affair because she felt that I had or was having lots of affairs in the past and stuff, and she felt that I can be and I quote- "emotionally vacant", lol. She told me she was not in love with OM, that I was a better lover and blah, blah, blah.
> 
> Because she wanted too and because she could- like all cheaters. But she got caught, like all cheaters eventually do. And like all cheaters, she is regretting her life choices.


Man I have seen your latest posts where you are considering having dinner and sex with your ex, I have also seen that you are don't hate the idea of R if she proves herself worthy of it.

My advice is, if you ever consider R you have to begin at looking what was the real situation in your marrigae prior to the affair.

you described that you had an amazing bond amotionally and sexually speaking, but women in this conditions normally don't allow themeselves to involve emotionally with other person.

you may have to see if your connection and marriage was as good as you thought or maybe you was the only one in the relatinship that saw things like that, if what she said about you having affairs is what she really thought (maybe she just said that because she did not find a better excuse for her behaviour) then she did not shared what she really thought or feared during the marriage.

anyway, she have to go to IC to find the root of her cheating and why she will destroy such a good relationship for a little thrill, or maybe is as you wrote, she was just selfish, but I wonder if you were married to a woman who have this level of selfishness and you were not aware of it?


----------



## DoveEnigma13

TheFlood117 said:


> I think some Beer, football, video games and booty calls are on the schedule.


Add pizza in there and that's where I'm at.


----------



## TheFlood117

I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. Mine was epic. My son and I had it with my parents and family and my kid and his cousins played football till it was dark outside. It was a real awesome moment. It was cool. Damn, sometimes- well most of the time lol, I wish I was kid again. It was a great day. 

But......... My ex and I were chatting yesterday and she asked me something that has bothered me. She said, "do you regret that you met me?", I was shocked and said "Hell no. Meeting you and having you in my life, saved my life. You made me become a better man. I was on a path of poor behavior and destruction before I started with you. I was not a good guy. Partying all the time. Lying, cheating, fighting. No direction. Before you, I sucked at life pretty hard. It may have appeared that I was the ultimate player with a great life and stuff. But I was a broken person.". Then I said, "why do you ask that?"

She said, "Well, you've moved on so well. The way you handled my stupid affair then the separation and on top of that being the dad you are, then getting a promotion. Then you've have had a lot of other women. I just feel I'm not and never have been good enough for you. I just feel empty. I feel that you'll forget about me"



Again, a convo that turned from how cool our son is and the AFC west playoff picture turned into this. 

It caught me off guard. It really did.

Thoughts??? 

I am trying to disconnect with her but I can't. She and I just are to similar and have common stuff I guess. It's beginning to get murky here. I was so sure of everything prior to Divorce. I mean, I was a calm, cool, methodical BS ready to set flame to the marriage and her affair. I think this is just repressed emotions. It has to be right? Some sort of delayed sadness and second guessing mechanisms?? 

I'm confused. Shouldn't it be easier after divorce?? 

I hate this now. I feel dumb. I feel off. 

Part of me is like, this is all a ploy. She's a selfish dumb c*nt who has no respect for you. It's all about her. She's trying to manipulate you. Don't be dumb

Then part of me is like. Wow, I guess she really is having a hard time with this. And she does still love me. What do I do now. 

Thoughts? And please guys and gals, say whatever you really think. I'm a blunt kinda guy. Don't kid gloves this. I value your objectivity. Because I think mine is dwindling here. 

Thanks.


----------



## WyshIknew

I think as you've mentioned you do still love her, at least to some extent. And she obviously loves you.

Did you ever have that dinner date?

Just my tuppence worth but I feel that with what you've posted both now and in the past, even if you do find a new Mrs Flood there will always be that 'what if' and 'maybe' feeling going on.

Have you thought about accepting that dinner date, maybe asking her out yourself afterwards, as friends and co parents only, and seeing where this might lead?

A relationship might grow again, or it might give you the final push to be able to say "no, sorry we are co-parents only."

You really seem as though you are stuck on the horns of a dilemma at the moment and can't move on.

Must ask this, not really 'having a dig at you' just curious.

You mention that in the past, you and especially your buds were 'players' and targeted? married women.

Do you ever wonder if some of the husbands of those married women went through what you are going through now?

Did you or your buds ever get wind of any fall out from your escapades?

ETA The past is in the past and I know you aren't that guy now, just wondering is all.


----------



## illwill

It should be easier, but you are spending too much time with her. If u need to talk about your child you can text or email.

At the very least u should have your distance for from her for months. Unless u want to reconcile. Which you do.


----------



## LongWalk

Since you love her and she been remorseful, you need not apologize. You are divorced and that puts you a position of some safety... You can have a trial relationship.

Heck, if you are confident in your gut that she has come clean you even surprize her and just marry her after the dinner date. Women love that romantic stuff.

One thing you might ask her is: "Are you going to forgive yourself?"

She has a responsibility to make something of her life, despite the affair. You can ask her to forgive you for all of your failures as a husband. Tell her that you forgive her.

She burnt your marriage to nothing. She wants a new one. Can you see yourself going to Home Depot together in 10 years time?


----------



## warlock07

> I just feel I'm not and never have been good enough for you. I just feel empty. I feel that you'll forget about me..


Man, I don't exactly remember, but why did your marriage end ? Something major should have happened...Why did you divorce your wife ?


----------



## Will_Kane

TheFlood117 said:


> Thoughts? And please guys and gals, *say whatever you really think. I'm a blunt kinda guy. Don't kid gloves this*. I value your objectivity. Because I think mine is dwindling here.
> 
> Thanks.


You're asking this crew to be blunt? Sometimes I think they should re-name this site "blunt about marriage."

Let's say you get divorced. By the way, how much longer until it's final? And after the divorce, or maybe even before, your wife/ex comes to you and says, "I met somebody and I really like him. And you know what? I think he is going to be a good influence on our son, too. I'm sorry what I put you through, and at times I thought I never would get over you, but this new guy, he's a lot like you. I think you and him will be good friends. And our son seems to like him already, though he only met him once."

That's where you are headed. You will get there someday. Your wife will get there someday. Are you OK with it?

Watching your wife suck another guy off, the visual alone, is probably 100 times worse than just the knowledge that it happened.

I can't be sure, but can you, that your wife has not already dated or had sex with other guys since you broke up?

I have always suspected that real estate office co-worker d-bag was not your wife's first affair, just the one she got a little too into, and the one she got caught with. Your wife seems a little wild, so I am guessing that there also were other guys she blew before she met you? Does the thought of her doing that with other guys before she met you bother you? If not, why not? She only did with them the same thing she did with real estate co-worker d-bag. Difference is that you KNOW about this one, you SAW A PICTURE of this one, this one is a BETRAYAL, but if it is just the PHYSICAL ACT you are hung up on, it is no different, as a matter of fact, your wife thought the guy wasn't as good as you, that much is completely obvious.

Your wife got involved with this guy because he was showing her attention and giving her compliments, he was "courting" her, and she traded sex for the attention. You caught it fairly early and demolished it by the way you had her served and the way you exposed it, so the affair died a quick death.

You had your wife on a pedestal before this. Over the past eight months, you have systematically been placing her back up on the pedestal.

I believe it is best for your son if you reconcile with your wife, or at least try. It seems like you might be happier reconciling also. A lot of people who get divorced are not happier for it, even if they were "right" to get divorced.

Whatever path you take, you always will wonder what would have happened if you took the other path.


----------



## happyman64

Congratulations Flood.

Your wife and you have learned very valuable lessons.

She has learned that there are consequences for her selfish decisions.

You have learned to be a man. What it takes to be a great father.

Why don't you sit your Ex down and ask her what she wants. Why don't you tell her what you want.

When a man and a woman have a family divorce does not end that. It changes the relationship dynamic but you are still a family unit.

There is nothing wrong with still being in love with your Ex. Maybe it will last maybe it will fade away.

What you need to determine is if she has grown up? 
Has higher self esteem?
Places her child's needs above her own? (That is what great moms do Flood.)
Can she place your need for honesty, trust and love in a relationship above her selfishness?


It sounds like she has learned a few of those lessons. But I think you should ask her.

Divorce to some means the end of a marriage.
Divorce to some means the end of a relationship.
Divorce to some means the beginning of new relationships to new people.
And Divorce to some means a "do-over". A new relationship to the same person that they still love. But know where the extra work needs to be done not to have a lousy ending.

I think your wife is asking you a question Flood.

Think hard before you answer it.

But the key is to do what you want do Flood. 

Glad you and your boy had a great Thanksgiving. keep growing Flood. It is a never ending process. It can hurt sometimes but the rewards can be great.

*No pain equals no gain.*

HM


----------



## sammy3

Flood, 

I followed your story from the beginning, and what I am amazed about, with your story and many others, is how quickly everyone jumps into the D line. 

I know I have zero room to speak, as I have dragged on way to long, yes, and it's the opposite of what many have done, and I'm suffering the consequences of that as well, but I have learned, never to make major life changes for at least 1 year after. Yes, a separation may have been in order, time away, a step back... but D seems to me so final, so soon, so quickly... Imho ... 

~sammy


----------



## LostViking

I think it boils down to this: she needs to understand why she really let her boundaries fall and why she allowed herself to be seduced. All that bull about you being emotionally vacant and her thinking you were having affairs is right out of the cheater handbook of excuses. 

Tell her this: if she goes to IC once a week for three months, works on her issues, works on her piss poor boundaries, then maybe you would consider going to couples counseling for a while. If that works to your satisfaction, and she comes to a place where she takes true ownership of her actions and admits that she banged this guy because of lust and because she wanted to, then maybe the two of you have a shot at getting back together. 

Because what you have from her right now is just more blame shifting. From what you have told us there was absolutely no reason for her to have wanted to cheat. You were a good husband, a good dad, and the relationship was strong. 

She had an affair because she wanted to. She lusted after this guy, got off on the excitement of it and gave into it. Bone simple. She just won't admit it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

You have gotten very good posts here. Will and HappyMan are super as usual. Maybe if you go to this expensive dinner, you should use the opportunity to talk honestly. I sense that you remember the married women you cheated with. Were they all horrible people with the darkest of black hearts?

No. You remember them as individuals who were looking for something. Affirmation. Sex. Could it be that some were searching for meaning? An affair need not be a mere exit affair or revenge affair. It could also be an existential affair. Did you ever tell any of those married women who loved their husbands anything to encourage them to fly straight? After all people who do wrong sometimes discuss it. You were younger then and did not have the insight you have today.

It could be that you want to forgive your wife because you want to forgive yourself for hurting those other husbands. That is not bad, but you should be clear about your motivations. Perhaps you should discuss this with your ex.

I will repeat what I wrote earlier: your ex needs to forgive herself and rebuild her self esteem. That should not come just from you. Can you tell her that if you give her a good pounding that might be a happy moment for the two of you. However, loss of self in pleasure is not going to rebuild her self worth.

Tell her that all the grown up things she has done post Dday have made you proud of her. Her willingness to do the threesome was a very good example of what would not have restored her self respect. If the two of you wanted to swing and were happy to do it without jealousy, that would be one thing. But to submit to humiliation to even the score would just have reduced her further.

In contrast she was cooperative in the divorce and has been a good mother. These you noted and appreciated.

You have taught your ex a lesson. Everybody who read your story believes you handled things very well, given a horrible situation. Make your decision based on the same quality of thinking that got you through the crisis.


----------



## just got it 55

TheFlood117 said:


> I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. Mine was epic. My son and I had it with my parents and family and my kid and his cousins played football till it was dark outside. It was a real awesome moment. It was cool. Damn, sometimes- well most of the time lol, I wish I was kid again. It was a great day.
> 
> But......... My ex and I were chatting yesterday and she asked me something that has bothered me. She said, "do you regret that you met me?", I was shocked and said "Hell no. Meeting you and having you in my life, saved my life. You made me become a better man. I was on a path of poor behavior and destruction before I started with you. I was not a good guy. Partying all the time. Lying, cheating, fighting. No direction. Before you, I sucked at life pretty hard. It may have appeared that I was the ultimate player with a great life and stuff. But I was a broken person.". Then I said, "why do you ask that?"
> 
> She said, "Well, you've moved on so well. The way you handled my stupid affair then the separation and on top of that being the dad you are, then getting a promotion. Then you've have had a lot of other women. I just feel I'm not and never have been good enough for you. I just feel empty. I feel that you'll forget about me"
> 
> 
> 
> Again, a convo that turned from how cool our son is and the AFC west playoff picture turned into this.
> 
> It caught me off guard. It really did.
> 
> Thoughts???
> 
> I am trying to disconnect with her but I can't. She and I just are to similar and have common stuff I guess. It's beginning to get murky here. I was so sure of everything prior to Divorce. I mean, I was a calm, cool, methodical BS ready to set flame to the marriage and her affair. I think this is just repressed emotions. It has to be right? Some sort of delayed sadness and second guessing mechanisms??
> 
> I'm confused. Shouldn't it be easier after divorce??
> 
> I hate this now. I feel dumb. I feel off.
> 
> Part of me is like, this is all a ploy. She's a selfish dumb c*nt who has no respect for you. It's all about her. She's trying to manipulate you. Don't be dumb
> 
> Then part of me is like. Wow, I guess she really is having a hard time with this. And she does still love me. What do I do now.
> 
> Thoughts? And please guys and gals, say whatever you really think. I'm a blunt kinda guy. Don't kid gloves this. I value your objectivity. Because I think mine is dwindling here.
> 
> Thanks.


Flood: Don’t rely on internet consensus on this. There is no need to do anything RIGHT NOW.

Clearly you are still in love with her. Clearly she is as well. Clearly she is fully and truly remorseful of her actions.

If you have ALL the truth can you live and get beyond it? Only you can answer this. It will take you a period of time only YOU can determine, and that answer will change from one moment to another.

You are living and breathing it. This is your world turning.
You came off as a tough guy the way you handled this. 
I think you drew strength and validation from your actions. This may be the defense mechanism you speak of.
You were proclaimed an internet hero.

You got everything from her reactions to your actions that have been determined as acceptable on this board, the basis of a real reconciliation.

You have those pictures burning in your mind still.
Understandable this will take years to get past, if ever. This would be my hang up. It’s real not a mind movie so fvckin hard to deal with.

Read Just Grindings post on forgiveness. You may find some answers there.

Take your time. Be patient

Your answers will come to you when you have that "moment"

55


----------



## sandc

Personally I think you show demonstrate to both her and yourself that your yes means yes and your no means no. Continue on the course you are on. Let the D happen. Even when there is forgiveness, a penalty usually still has to be paid. You have said that penalty for infidelity in your marriage is divorce. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. 

But if you are so inclined, tell her that you would like to take her to dinner after the D is final. That it's too late to save the old marriage, it's dead. But maybe you two can talk over dinner what the future will look like for both of you. 

It's not uncommon for people to find out the grass isn't greener out there and remarry.


----------



## Philat

You can still love your ex in a way, but she will be your ex for a reason. The world is full of people who get along much better as a divorced couple than they did as a married couple. Your W defiled your "marriage space" and you could not abide her in that space any longer. But outside that space it might be an entirely different story. You don't have to choose between full R or complete severance.

LongWalk raises an interesting point about your past history as the OM. You clearly regret having done some of the things you did when you were younger--could these memories be a factor in your current confusion?

I think all of TAM wishes you a bright future, whatever it might hold.


----------



## LongWalk

Hard to Detach has a similar situation.
As Philat says, you can examine your relationship over time.

Above all do let your decision be directly connected to hysterical bonding. She should have to show that she is coming together.

Rookie, another reconciliation thread, ended with him quitting R. He had developed stronger feelings for another woman.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## illwill

One thing there is no doubt about: She knows she had a husband who did not tolerate cheating. A man who does not need her to survive. This is huge for a wayward to know. I am sure she actually respects you more than before. If more men handled things the way you have, there would be a much greater chance at recovery.

Could be you think karma caught up with you. So, you are willing to try again.

Whatever you do let the marriage truly end. You can always leave the door open. But make sure what you feel is not guilt, lonliness, or fear.


----------



## The Middleman

Flood,

Don't every forget why you dumped her in the first place. Don't ever forget how she humiliated you.


----------



## sidney2718

missthelove2013 said:


> I HATE to say "good story" because it isnt, its painful heartbreaking on your part....but I DO love to read these stories where the betrayed is moving forward, doing well, and the WS is paying for their "on purpose" (an affair is NOT a mistake, its an on purpose)...


BINGO! It is a great story and well-handled. But as you say in the quote, it is also heartbreaking. If only we could see into the hearts of others, then we would know if the WS is deeply sincere or not. There's a tragedy here too.


----------



## BetrayedDad

TheFlood117 said:


> Part of me is like, this is all a ploy. She's a selfish dumb c*nt who has no respect for you. It's all about her. She's trying to manipulate you. Don't be dumb.
> 
> Then part of me is like. Wow, I guess she really is having a hard time with this. And she does still love me. What do I do now.


How hard of a time did you think she had putting someone else's junk in her mouth? Then taking pictures of it to remember how good it was... She's only sorry SHE GOT CAUGHT, not that she did it. Because she did it over and Over and OVER again. Find a good friend or relative to smack some sense into you before you do something dumb like take her back.




TheFlood117 said:


> Thoughts? And please guys and gals, say whatever you really think. I'm a blunt kinda guy. Don't kid gloves this. I value your objectivity. Because I think mine is dwindling here.


Yeah. She's a selfish dumb c*nt who has no respect for you. It's all about her. She's trying to manipulate you. Don't be dumb.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive

Betrayed Dad, don't sugarcoat things...tell us how you really feel


----------



## LostViking

BD is right about the pics. These were keepsakes for her. She was proud of her conquest. She may be a great mom and may have it in her to be a decent wife, but the wh0re factor cannot be forgotten. Some people have sh!t for morals and she is one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill

She cannot be a great mom considering how she ruined her family. Maybe she was and maybe she will be again. But she needs therapy. And sodo you.
And i agree with betrayed dad, the picture says a lot about how proud she was about her acts. Always remember that.


----------



## barbados

This is a quote from your very first post :

_"I'll never forget these. Ever. In my life. These pictures of her f*cking and S*cking this guy's little pecker will forever be in my brain"_

So now you want to go out with her again ? I guess then you have already forgotten :scratchhead:


----------



## TheFlood117

Great posts. Thanks. 

Yeah the pics are bad. They just are what they are. In one of the more heated "conversations" I had with her. This was about 2 or 3 weeks after she got the boot. I asked her why she had the pics and kept them on OUR home computer. She said- "I don't know. I'm a bad person. It was the thrill of doing this. I don't know. I'm just a terrible person and wife and mother. I don't know why, I just did it"

So... Yeah, the pics are the "icing on the cake" so to speak. 

If I even do consider. IF. A really, really big IF. Consider reconciling, there will be certain aspects that we will have to address in therapy big time. She's already seeing a therapist-which is good for her. Cause obviously her low self esteem, impulse control and deceitful nature ruined her marriage and family. 

I'm not taking her back. At least in the immediate future I see no reconciling. The divorce is finalized. The marriage is dissolved. I got everything I wanted it was a very clean break for me. 

But, I think of her all the time. And I love her. I have not told her that. But I do. The dinner is Saturday. So I guess we'll see. 

I still can't believe she had an affair. It is the ultimate enigma and paradoxical event in my life. We were fine with finances. We still made each other laugh. And most importantly, even into the emotional- an I think even a bit into the PA, part of the affair we were having sex 4-5 times a week. Really good sex. It did almost cease the last 5 or so weeks of her affair-that's when I knew. 

But I run through all the scenarios about the marriage that may have cause her affair. As I do think we did become distant- but that was because of her affair!!! lulz. But I really can't think of a reason why she cheated. 

And that is scary. Cause it just affirms my perspective about my wife. 

She cheated just to do it. She cheated so she could have that over me. She cheated for the thrill and rush. 

I don't think I can take someone like that back. 

About karma. Um, yeah. This is karma. I believe in it. I thought having a gun to my head and begging for my life after gettin' sucked off by someones fiance was karma enough for all my "deeds" when I was younger. But no, The powers that be issued Karma in a bad way. Not that I deserved any of this. But I'm just sayin'. 

What goes around comes around I guess. I ruined relationships when I was younger. I was a punk and douche to the extreme.

But I did change. I can't imagine being the "other man" now. I just can't. I never cheated on my ex wife. I never needed to. I had a very, very wild and "fun" time form the age of 20 to 24. I grew outta that area of my life-thank God. 

Too bad I can't say the same for my ex. She just had to have a little taste. Stupid girl. She's immature. And again, this is something SHE can only work on and fix. She has a lot of work to do with herself. 

And our son loves his mom so, so much. She's a great mother. She even was during her **** sessions with OM- they only occurred at work. And that, is the sole reason I didn't fully destroy her world and crush her. My son loves his mom. As long as she continues to have a great relationship with our kid. I'm okay. 

The other stuff with her, I'll figure out. It's just gonna take awhile. I thought I had a quick recovery going on. I guess not. 

Thanks TAM.


----------



## WyshIknew

TheFlood117 said:


> Great posts. Thanks.
> 
> Yeah the pics are bad. They just are what they are. In one of the more heated "conversations" I had with her. This was about 2 or 3 weeks after she got the boot. I asked her why she had the pics and kept them on OUR home computer. She said- "I don't know. I'm a bad person. It was the thrill of doing this. I don't know. I'm just a terrible person and wife and mother. I don't know why, I just did it"
> 
> So... Yeah, the pics are the "icing on the cake" so to speak.
> 
> If I even do consider. IF. A really, really big IF. Consider reconciling, there will be certain aspects that we will have to address in therapy big time. She's already seeing a therapist-which is good for her. Cause obviously her low self esteem, impulse control and deceitful nature ruined her marriage and family.
> 
> I'm not taking her back. At least in the immediate future I see no reconciling. The divorce is finalized. The marriage is dissolved. I got everything I wanted it was a very clean break for me.
> 
> But, I think of her all the time. And I love her. I have not told her that. But I do. The dinner is Saturday. So I guess we'll see.
> 
> I still can't believe she had an affair. It is the ultimate enigma and paradoxical event in my life. We were fine with finances. We still made each other laugh. And most importantly, even into the emotional- an I think even a bit into the PA, part of the affair we were having sex 4-5 times a week. Really good sex. It did almost cease the last 5 or so weeks of her affair-that's when I knew.
> 
> But I run through all the scenarios about the marriage that may have cause her affair. As I do think we did become distant- but that was because of her affair!!! lulz. But I really can't think of a reason why she cheated.
> 
> And that is scary. Cause it just affirms my perspective about my wife.
> 
> She cheated just to do it. She cheated so she could have that over me. She cheated for the thrill and rush.
> 
> I don't think I can take someone like that back.
> 
> About karma. Um, yeah. This is karma. I believe in it. I thought having a gun to my head and begging for my life after gettin' sucked off by someones fiance was karma enough for all my "deeds" when I was younger. But no, The powers that be issued Karma in a bad way. Not that I deserved any of this. But I'm just sayin'.
> 
> What goes around comes around I guess. I ruined relationships when I was younger. I was a punk and douche to the extreme.
> 
> But I did change. I can't imagine being the "other man" now. I just can't. I never cheated on my ex wife. I never needed to. I had a very, very wild and "fun" time form the age of 20 to 24. I grew outta that area of my life-thank God.
> 
> Too bad I can't say the same for my ex. She just had to have a little taste. Stupid girl. She's immature. And again, this is something SHE can only work on and fix. She has a lot of work to do with herself.
> 
> And our son loves his mom so, so much. She's a great mother. She even was during her **** sessions with OM- they only occurred at work. And that, is the sole reason I didn't fully destroy her world and crush her. My son loves his mom. As long as she continues to have a great relationship with our kid. I'm okay.
> 
> The other stuff with her, I'll figure out. It's just gonna take awhile. I thought I had a quick recovery going on. I guess not.
> 
> Thanks TAM.


Don't beat yourself up to much Flood.

It never happened to me but at 18-22 if some hottie woman had made a play for me and she was married I'm not too sure I'd have turned it down.

I'd like to think I would have turned it down but when you're young you often think with your little head.

If you believe in karma, how about building some good karma up by hanging around and giving some advice to freshly betrayed spouses?


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## TheFlood117

TAM is a great forum. I don't expect to leave anytime soon. And with all my issues, I probably need it as much as I did when I found out about her affair. 

Thanks.


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## The Middleman

TheFlood117 said:


> TAM is a great forum. I don't expect to leave anytime soon. And with all my issues, I probably need it as much as I did when I found out about her affair.
> 
> Thanks.


Actually, I think you need TAM now more than ever. As far as being in love with her ... You'll get over that ... Keep the pictures in mind. However, if you do decide to get back with her in any way shape or form, DON'T MARRY HER AGAIN. And if you decide to live together again ... put a mile of paper (legal agreements) between you and never have another child. She can't be trusted.


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## LongWalk

So she has never adequately explained what was going on in her head prior to the affair and during it?

Things did not got well for the OM if I remember correctly. What does your wife think about that now?

On Saturday the plan now is to have nice dinner, shake hands and go home?

You have never told your wife that you still love her. Do you think she knows? Is smart at reading you?

You got favorable divorce settlement because she was willing to take some punishment in return for softening the blow to you. Do you feel that you owe her something because she took this gamble?

We are wondering what a 5 star dinner is like. If you just talk about heavy stuff it will make for poor enjoyment. But it you drink and look into her eyes while smiles like all get out, she'll reel you in, haha, at least for night.


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## LostViking

She cheated because she wanted to Flood. That's it. A large part of her personality is ho. Simple as that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

LostViking said:


> She cheated because she wanted to*, *Flood. That's it. A large part of her personality is ho. Simple as that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ftfy (added comma  )


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## Wolfman1968

TheFlood117 said:


> She said, "Well, you've moved on so well. The way you handled my stupid affair then the separation and on top of that being the dad you are, then getting a promotion. Then you've have had a lot of other women. I just feel I'm not and never have been good enough for you. I just feel empty. I feel that you'll forget about me"


Think about this. It's still about her, in many ways.

Your being able to survive her actions, means she is "not good enough" for you. What would she rather have? That her affair destroy your life forever?

My take is that this is still a selfish perspective on her part.


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## sammy3

Hang in there Flood, this is a long journey. Those who came before me warned it all could take 3, maybe 5 years before I would see my world making sense again. I thought at that time, "Lordly, please, I'll shoot myself!" 

It does change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not, the only thing is certain is it's not the same. 

I think every single one of us can agree with you how unreal that feeling and thoughts are, when we stop and we look at our spouse and we say to ourself, "I just cant beliveve it" ... 

~sammy


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## verpin zal

Hmm.

You've gone from "...she tried to hug me but i held myself back, i didn't want any of that cheating dumb wh0re syndrome" to "she asked me out, need ideas".

What's different now? Last time i checked, you were about to dance with some imaginary band behind you, playing some merry jig while she was packing. Telling about pics in which she was on OM's little yangdoodle.

I can't help but notice when someone said "man, please.. you saw videos of her bangin' another guy!" to which you responded "not videos, those were pics." Right.

"She's beautiful."
"she's gorgeous, even when she cries.."
"i crave her"
"et cetera"

What is this, she's some kind of major deity of beauty and elegance? You were so determined to send her away packing. What changed?

Is your "love" for her the only explanation for your.. 180? Wavering? Second thoughts?


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## illwill

Is it love? We love to say it is. But it seems to me many times it is something else that does not sound classy and romantic. And then if it is love, you must ask yourself why you would love someone who could hurt you and your child like this, for no reason. At all. Seriously. You need therapy just like her. Like most of us who go through this. 
You are no beta. That is clear, but look at why you cannot close this door.


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## verpin zal

Seeing pics. (or worse yet, videos. Refer to morituri on seeing videos of infidelity.)

Along with my SO badmouthing me and exchanging marital or personal issues with another man, "seeing" is an instant deal breaker for me. An instant |deal breaker| in "absolute value" bars. Reconciliation is out of the equation, without any arguments, explanations or proofs. Of course everybody's take on it is different.

It also seemed to be the case for you, in the first post of this very thread. It may help you try to write down why.


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## happyman64

> But I run through all the scenarios about the marriage that may have cause her affair. As I do think we did become distant- but that was because of her affair!!! lulz. But I really can't think of a reason why she cheated.


Actually the reason why is very simple answer.

She cheated because she could. She was selfish, entitled and has very low self esteem.

It is that simple.

You and your son did not even come into her mind when she chose to cheat or carry on her affair.

Her common sense and loyalty to you and your son went right out the window. I am sure the OM does not compare to you in the looks dept. Or bed dept. Either. 

You were not even thought of. The marriage was not even an issue.

That is good because you are not to blame. It is bad because that is just how selfish your wife became.

The pictures on the home pc just goes to show just how " out to lunch " her common sense was Flood.

I am glad she is in IC.

She needs it.

Every once in a while a WS realizes that they are a good person that made a horrible decision and ultimately paid the high price.

A divorce they did not want and the break up of their family. Sometimes they are deserving of a 2nd chance. 

Only you can decide that and if you are capable of having a new, deep relationship with your Ex.

Let us know if she is starting to have that AHA! moment.

There is no rush Flood. 

Stand back and observe her. Then determine what level of your attention she is worthy of.

If any at all.

HM


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## tom67

happyman64 said:


> Actually the reason why is very simple answer.
> 
> She cheated because she could. She was selfish, entitled and has very low self esteem.
> 
> It is that simple.
> 
> You and your son did not even come into her mind when she chose to cheat or carry on her affair.
> 
> Her common sense and loyalty to you and your son went right out the window. I am sure the OM does not compare to you in the looks dept. Or bed dept. Either.
> 
> You were not even thought of. The marriage was not even an issue.
> 
> That is good because you are not to blame. It us bad because that is just how selfish your wife became.
> 
> The pictures on the home pc just goes to sow just how " out to lunch " her common sense was Flood.
> 
> I am glad she is in IC.
> 
> She needs it.
> 
> Every once in a while a WS realizes that they are a good person that made a horrible decision and ultimately paid the high price.
> 
> A divorce they did not want and the break up of their family. Sometimes they are deserving of a 2nd chance.
> 
> Only you can decide that and if you are capable of having a new, deep relationship with your Ex.
> 
> Let us know if she is starting to have that AHA! moment.
> 
> There is no rush Flood.
> 
> Stand back and observe her. Then determine what level of your attention she is worthy of.
> 
> If any at all.
> 
> HM


:iagree::iagree:
Dead on Flood
She is on your timetable.
If in time you want to tell her there is a chance that is up to you.
You could live with her and not remarry.


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## LostViking

I like the "living together but not getting married" idea.


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## tom67

LostViking said:


> I like the "living together but not getting married" idea.


Why not?
Heck he already married her once plus the bs with cali laws in divorce.
Flood...SHE has to win you back.
I know you will be fine either way.

Maybe make a gesture...I said maybe... and invite her for christmas for your kid IF you see a potential future with her.


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## illwill

Careful about the "take your time" advice. It is always tossed out there on this place. Limbo is never a good place to be in. And while your in limbo other great chances can pass you by. This place is loaded with people who never left limbo. There are women who would not do this to you. And they are just as sexy as your ex wife.

You strike me as a decisive man. That is a good thing. My advice is to put a time limit on this little ... whatever you want to call it. I know a few guys who never actually move on from their ex wives, even years after divorce. They always get reeled back in. And it does destroy their chances in a happy future.

She will always be in your life, but it does not have to be romantic.


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## tom67

illwill said:


> Careful about the "take your time" advice. It is always tossed out there on this place. Limbo is never a good place to be in. And while your in limbo other great chances can pass you by. This place is loaded with people who never left limbo. There are women who would not do this to you. And they are just as sexy as your ex wife.
> 
> You strike me as a decisive man. That is a good thing. My advice is to put a time limit on this little ... whatever you want to call it. I know a few guys who never actually move on from their ex wives, even years after divorce. They always get reeled back in. And it does destroy their chances in a happy future.
> 
> She will always be in your life, but it does not have to be romantic.


:iagree:

Totally give it 2 to 3 months.


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## sammy3

illwill said:


> Careful about the "take your time" advice. It is always tossed out there on this place. Limbo is never a good place to be in. And while your in limbo other great chances can pass you by. This place is loaded with people who never left limbo. There are women who would not do this to you. And they are just as sexy as your ex wife.
> 
> You strike me as a decisive man. That is a good thing. My advice is to put a time limit on this little ... whatever you want to call it. I know a few guys who never actually move on from their ex wives, even years after divorce. They always get reeled back in. And it does destroy their chances in a happy future.
> 
> She will always be in your life, but it does not have to be romantic.



Limbo is hell !!!!! 

~sammy


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## MrHappyHat

TheFlood117 said:


> She cheated just to do it. She cheated so she could have that over me. She cheated for the thrill and rush.
> 
> I don't think I can take someone like that back.



I'm late to this party, but I'll chime in.

You can't go NC with your ex because of your son. So you're always going to have to deal with her.

You describe your wife as a '9.' That means she's very attractive, sexy and good-looking, no?

Unless they fumble things, attractive people generally get their way. Highly attractive people (9's) almost always get their own way. It's accepted. 

In her mind, her default state is her getting her own way.

When you first met this highly attractive person, you were a CHALLENGE. She had to work to get you. That's not normal for a highly attractive person. You were a CHALLENGE.

Then she landed you. Over the years, you went from a CHALLENGE to a CHUMP. But it wasn't permament. Your *default* position in her eyes was CHALLENGE. She wanted a CHALLENGE, but she had a CHUMP on her hands.

CHALLENGES are thrilling. CHUMPS are boring.

How to get the thrill of a CHALLENGE?

That affair? That was a CHALLENGE. Not so much the POSOM she bagged. The CHALLENGE was getting away with it.

But once she started in on the physical, she lost respect for you. Your default in her eyes went from CHALLENGE to CHUMP.

Once you blew the doors of off her life, you went back to being a CHALLENGE. There's a thrill in dealing with you now. In her brain, the game's back on.

But once she ****ed that other guy, your natural default status (in her mind) is CHUMP. You're a temporary CHALLENGE. If she bags you, she's going to internally flip that switch and you're going to be a CHUMP again. 

Why? Because she was able to get you into bed again after all of the pain she put you through. Only a CHUMP would let her do that.


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