# My Mom HATES my new boyfriend...HELP!



## superchef85 (Sep 5, 2009)

About 6 months ago, I met this great guy. I'm very spiritual, and so is he. We bonded first on that, and then once we started spending time together, many other things. We were actually introduced on a very popular social networking site through several mutual friends. He is extremely opinionated, and always speaks his mind, and feels very passionate about his beliefs both for politics and religion. This is actually one of the things that attracts me to him, to see that he is not willing to stand down on his beliefs. He is not overbearing, he is not unwilling to agree to disagree. My mother is also on this site, and let me first describe her. She and I probably are just starting to get along for the first time since I was a small child, and I am 24 now. She sees arguing as an art, and will be the first to admit if you don't come to a battle of wits with her armed, she will mentally annihilate you. She's not kidding. My parents divorced when I was 16, and I immediately went to live with my father because she and I could not go 5 minutes without fighting, and she also remarried very quickly which made me uncomfortable. My boyfriend and my mom have never met, however, they have already gotten into it on this social networking site via comments and short quips at each other. My mother then follows up these conversations with messages to me like, "Why won't he just go away?" and "Is he stupid? Why would you date anyone like this?" She hasn't even met him, and has already written him off. Granted, when they get into these argurments, they are both extremely passionate and they both say things that shouldn't be said, and they both hit below the belt. He will compare her to Hitler or Satan, while she will tell him that God lost his number and he just needs to crawl in a hole and die. Neither seem to want to act like adults. What really bothers me is that we are all educated, usually very rational people. This is not the first boyfriend she has been unable to get along with, in fact she's never really gotten along with any of them, except my high school sweetheart who was too much of a pushover to tell her no and said "how high?" anytime she said "Jump". I really love this person, and we've even started talking about marriage recently. He always treats me with respect, and he's great to me, he makes me laugh, he gets along great with my friends, and I don't want to let him go. I've also been in relationships before where they don't get along with my family, and it is pure hell, and I don't want to go through that again. What can I do to bring these two back together? Neither of them are the type to budge...they both bring the word "stubborn" to a whole new level. Do I let go of someone I really care about because once again, my mother can't keep her mouth shut? Or do I isolate myself from my mother and start a life with someone?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Not sure what I'd do. You're mother will not change, that has already been established. You can set better boundaries with her, lay down some ground rules regarding your boyfriends, but essetially that is up to you to enforce and her innate behavior will not change. But on the other hand, here is a guy who has NOT met your mother. No matter what she says to him, I believe HE should have kept his mouth shut, or heavily guarded. 

I believe there is a level of respect due your mother, simply because she is your mother. Especially, and more importantly, because he has not met her. I don't care how often they have "chatted" on the site. In my world, you respect my mother period. 

So it depends. Do you want a man who right at the starting gate "gets into it" with your mother? He has no self control? He has to get into it with her even though he knows it upsets you? You don't get to call names and hit below the belt because someone likes to argue or disagrees with you. If he truly loves and respects YOU, he would censor himself with your mother.


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## superchef85 (Sep 5, 2009)

Thanks for the response. I'll be honest, I've thought all of the same things. It's obvious I have to set boundaries with my mother now, even if this man doesn't stay in the picture. However, as for him...I completely agree that he should have kept his mouth shut and shown self-restraint. I'm conflicted on this. I've never been the type to stay with a man when I know it's not right, and even now, I don't know that I can say that I feel it isn't right. Part of me feels that it really is. He has so many redeeming qualities that I ask myself if this incident is just a huge red flag or something that we can move past?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I think it's a red flag.

Bottom line to me is, if he cannot control himself with your Mother, what about other people who are important to you and not to him? To me this clearly shows a lack of respect for YOU. And definitely a lack of self control. You have only known him six months and this will surface in other areas down the road. He's supposed to be putting his best self forward in getting to know your family and friends at this point.

While you are deciding what to do, I would tell him that I found the confrontations between him and my mother to be disrespectful. Both to her and to you. If he wants to continue with the relationship this needs to be fixed. He either respects you and that fact that she is your mother (no matter what!) or the relationship isn't going to work. If you really think this is right, give him a chance to re-establish himself in your mothers eyes, and Yours (because your mother probably will not change her opinion of him, but YOU will know). And if he can't do that, because his politics, religion, opinion, whatever is so important that he cannot restrain himself, then you have the answer.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MsStacy said:


> I think it's a red flag.
> 
> Bottom line to me is, if he cannot control himself with your Mother, what about other people who are important to you and not to him? To me this clearly shows a lack of respect for YOU. And definitely a lack of self control.


:iagree:

I couldnt agree more with the above. if he treats your mom this way, just wait until you get under his skin. it'll be ugly. clearly he is immature.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Depends greatly how you view your mother and your relationship with her... as she could just be trying to prevent you from making bad mistakes, maybe ones she made herself... and to spare you grief.

The thing is if you move on without caring what your mother thinks, don't be calling her when problems arise from this relationship, for help or advice.

You are just dating and can so easily walk away... dating is nothing like marriage.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i admit my mum and i sincerely wish i'd listened now in hindsight. well she was right about the fellas i'd dated and married. just no good for me. mums have their own instincts because shes your mum. she just wants the best for you .


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the other posters.

Plus, it sounds like you may be in love with someone like your mother?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

sounds liekt ehy both need to grow up.

Your mother is very controlling and manipulitive.

But your BF sounds the same way, as Corous wife says, you seem to be attracted to that type because you grew up with it, even though you despise it.

1. I would go for self counselling.

2. I would move away from the boyfriend since he will eventually turn on you.

3. I would keep all future boyfriends away from your mother. I would also tell your mother not to argue with your boyfriends or tell your boyfriends just to simple agree with her.

Plus you said your mother is a poster ont his bored, I think I know which one by your description, I would like to see if she admits to it on this thread, since she likes to argue.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> I agree with the other posters.
> 
> Plus, it sounds like you may be in love with someone like your mother?


I totally agree. The REASON they fight is because they are ALIKE.

Run away. From both.

You are attracted to HIM because he is HER.


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