# Wife on vacation with OM



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

She moved in with him 2 months ago, and we're one week away from our court date, and the two of them went to visit his dying mother for 6 days. For some reason this is really hard for me to take.

Maybe because I feel that the reason he's taking her there is to possibly to tell her that they will be marrying after the divorces are final? I know I'm not completely over her yet, so that prospect does bother me. Makes me think back to vacations we took as a family and now she's gone away with him. Also, the fact that she can leave her daughter for 6 consecutive days angers me (she's never not seen my daughter for anywhere near that long). My daughter hasn't taken it well.

I guess I just shouldn't care. One of those things that are out of my control. It's just one selfish act after another.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

So sorry.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Of course, you could come to Germany for a vacation and I could show you some sights that would cause her head to explode!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

after reading your other post I would have to say you will be much better off with out her.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Did she leave you or did you her? 
Did she started her seeing the OM previously or after the separation?
Does she know you still have feelings for her?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> She moved in with him 2 months ago, and we're one week away from our court date, and the two of them went to visit his dying mother for 6 days. For some reason this is really hard for me to take.
> 
> Maybe because I feel that the reason he's taking her there is to possibly to tell her that they will be marrying after the divorces are final? I know I'm not completely over her yet, so that prospect does bother me. Makes me think back to vacations we took as a family and now she's gone away with him. Also, the fact that she can leave her daughter for 6 consecutive days angers me (she's never not seen my daughter for anywhere near that long). My daughter hasn't taken it well.
> 
> I guess I just shouldn't care. One of those things that are out of my control. It's just one selfish act after another.


Life will get better main course. For you and your D.

And the odds of her relationship working out long term are very low

Just give it time. Time heals all wounds.

And use this time to better you. Get in shape. Bond with your D like you are the only parent because right now you are!

Find your self worth. 

And he next time you are in a relationship just remember you are trading up!!!

:smthumbup:

Never look back, only forward.

Hm64


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Did she leave you or did you her? 
Did she started her seeing the OM previously or after the separation?
Does she know you still have feelings for her?_

She left me, actually I convinced her to leave (thank goodness). The two of them worked together for 9 months prior to Dday in May and said she was "in love" with him since March. Since I've done the 180, I don't think she knows whether I have feelings for her or not and I have no intention of telling her.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

So sorry. It will get better.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_after reading your other post I would have to say you will be much better off with out her._

You are no doubt correct.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

When my husband was living with the OW I drove myself crazy wondering if they did the same things together. Did she sit on the toilet while he took a bath and talk to him? Did she sit next to him on the couch and watch tv, cuddled up? Did he do the silly little things in front of her that he would do in front of me? It was horrible. I know we are at different stages in our relationships but I applaud you for your strength and know that it will get better for you and your D.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> "Did she leave you or did you her?
> Did she started her seeing the OM previously or after the separation?
> Does she know you still have feelings for her?"
> 
> ...


You are going through a life changing event and entering a new phase in your life. I know that you must be feeling very emotional and stressed! Those feelings are normal, considering what you are going through. 
Continue with 180. One day you will look back and see that the day she left, was your luckiest day in years!
Good luck and stay strong!


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

There is no reason to not feel down. That would bother anyone with a heart. My wife left me for another man and she is still with him to this day. They haven't married yet (I even ask her why they haven't) but it has been a sore spot. 

What did I do? I became strong and realized that she was weak and had to have someone in her life to be happy. I was determined to be happy without anyone except my/our son.

That is how I got through it in addition to dating a multitude of fantastic women - most didn't workout b/c I was unwilling to settle.

My ex and I even drove to the courthouse together the day of our divorce and had breakfast that morning. She asked about working it out and I said no (this was two days before xmas). She was still with this other guy - at the time I wasn't dating anyone b/c I wanted to be sure the divorce was right.

Bottom line is you are strong and only going to get stronger. You will have memories. They come and go. It is up to you to move on and design your new life. The past doesnt' equal the future.

I will give you a little bit of hope - I have since met the woman that was right for me all along. It gets better my friend.

Take care of your child as well. They are what is important to get through this. This is affecting them and it sounds like it is up to you to be there for your daughter.

Joe


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Don’t worry about what she is doing, its not near as bad as you think.

My FWW went on a weeklong vacation to Hawaii with the OM before our first false R then she took him to New Mexico for some family function during our third breakup. She was living with the OM both times yet in the end we still R’d.

Your goal is to convince yourself that you are better off this way and she is doing you a favor by leaving because truth be told she is. Reconciliation won’t be an option until you no longer want to reconcile.

Start dating.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

My heighbor is a great guy. A "Nice guy" type. His wife met a younger guy at class and had an A. He was devastaed. But he kicked her out and started working on himself.

He ended up meeting a great woman quickly and they got married within a year of his D. She has moved in. His x looks like sh!t. You can tell she is alone and realizes she let a great guy get away. She will never find one as good as him. And he is doing so well. His new wife is sooo much better looking and cool. He doesn't know about my situation, but he is kinda my hero. Sometimes, we do get what we deserve.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

slater said:


> My heighbor is a great guy. A "Nice guy" type. His wife met a younger guy at class and had an A. He was devastaed. But he kicked her out and started working on himself.
> 
> He ended up meeting a great woman quickly and they got married within a year of his D. She has moved in. His x looks like sh!t. You can tell she is alone and realizes she let a great guy get away. She will never find one as good as him. And he is doing so well. His new wife is sooo much better looking and cool. He doesn't know about my situation, but he is kinda my hero. Sometimes, we do get what we deserve.


Sounds like my husband and I! :lol: My only complaint is that she still calls to tell him she wants him back.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Memento said:


> Sounds like my husband and I! :lol: My only complaint is that she still calls to tell him she wants him back.


they really do affair down


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

You're alright man, its normal and completely healthy to grieve the end of a relationship.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Years later when you're with a new partner. You'll look back and say, who?.......


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, going through the divorce process sucks. It helped me to focus on the next phase. Consider this, you are about to be given the opportunity to rebuild your life without a cheating spouse in it. You will find happiness. It does exist post divorce. Stay focused, take care of yourself and your daughter. You can do this and will make it!!

If you want another way to look at it. Her OM just let a cheater into his life. Dumba$$... smile when you think of his future.

Stay strong
WD


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

So during this little vacation my STBXW is texting with my daughter and keeping her updated on what she's doing, and of course my daughter relays some info to me. Finally had to tell her I really don't want to know. Felt bad, but everything related to my STBXW, her voice, presence, texts or ANYTHING that is going on in her life makes me anxious and depressed. I know I have PTSD from Dday. 

This is why i haven't had any problems with the 180 I guess, really my only option to remain sane.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> So during this little vacation my STBXW is texting with my daughter and keeping her updated on what she's doing, and of course my daughter relays some info to me. Finally had to tell her I really don't want to know. Felt bad, but everything related to my STBXW, her voice, presence, texts or ANYTHING that is going on in her life makes me anxious and depressed. I know I have PTSD from Dday.
> 
> This is why i haven't had any problems with the 180 I guess, really my only option to remain sane.


You should take your D out on a Daddy date. Invite a female friend along to help with your D.

It will give your D something to text back to her wayward mother.

Nothing wrong with a little tit for tat.

And I do not blame you one bit not knowing what is going on with her.

The less contact with her or her life the better you will be.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

maincourse99 said:


> So during this little vacation my STBXW is texting with my daughter and keeping her updated on what she's doing, and of course my daughter relays some info to me. Finally had to tell her I really don't want to know. Felt bad, but everything related to my STBXW, her voice, presence, texts or ANYTHING that is going on in her life makes me anxious and depressed. I know I have PTSD from Dday.
> 
> This is why i haven't had any problems with the 180 I guess, really my only option to remain sane.


Have you been seeing a counselor versed in PTSD? That is an absolute must and many here can testify.

The comment that she affaired down is 100% true. By definition dating/having a rel;ationship with an aduterer is of the charts stupid. There is a reason only 3% of affair partners have a succesfull , long term relationship. The odds are so bad that its basically impossible.


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## Sand_Castles (Sep 27, 2012)

We are sort of on the same boat right now MainC99...my STBXW started an A with OM 8 mo. ago ( D papers are in the process) and have her own place now.The OM is married so she basically lives alone except when I bring our kids (2 daughters and a son) over at her place every weekend and if the OM finds time to escape her wife and stays with her for a few days.

I also was doing the 180 since 3 months ago and things are already starting to feel fine as in having fewer thoughts of the STBXW and having more focus and fun with the other things going on with my life.Things are also getting sort of 'normal' whenever I see her after dropping and picking up the kids at her place.

Then a couple of weeks ago,she called to say if I can keep the kids for the weekend because she is so busy with work and some things that she's doing that she really have to work on overtime and if I can take care on some of our kids few needed expenses since she's kinda short of cash at the moment...so I said it's fine.

Then a few days ago I found out that she and OM went for a few days of vacation in Thailand that same week she said she's doing overtime for some company work that she have so that her boss won't be pissed off at her.

Found out that she paid for all their vacation expenses and even bought the OM an expensive Bulgari..and from a photo I've seen of the OM it seems that he is wearing the wayfarer that the STBXW borrowed from me...that leech.

Finding out about this started to piss me off again and leaves me feeling depressed once more and triggered those old cheating stuffs in my head that I'm already starting to forget about, because I knew that she lied AGAIN to me about her hectic work schedules that she had to skip the kids weekend stay at her place and also about the short on cash BS she said, because obviously she have the dough which she just spent a lot on her OM.

But I will just take what people here say about it...that you need to forget the things you can't control (especially the cheating W),and don't ever believe the words of these cheaters because you will just get disappointed.

Right now,I am just telling myself that she is no longer my wife and no longer a part of me... and she just so happens to be the mom of my kids... so that I won't be that "attached" to her any more ergo will care less about what she does anymore ergo relieving myself of this useless and unproductive feeling of being depressed over someone who...really isn't worth much of a person or human for that matter.

Easier said than done but hopefully this "flashback" issues will be shorter lived than the past ones i had...and as all guys here who had been there before says..... "this too shall pass" 

Good luck to you and your D too..


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

She really is not worth much of you time or thoughts. She is very broken and its good that you get to start fresh. I know that you are still in pain, but this will pass when you meet the next love, it comming, have faith. good luck david


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Sand_Castles said:


> We are sort of on the same boat right now MainC99...my STBXW started an A with OM 8 mo. ago ( D papers are in the process) and have her own place now.The OM is married so she basically lives alone except when I bring our kids (2 daughters and a son) over at her place every weekend and if the OM finds time to escape her wife and stays with her for a few days.
> 
> I also was doing the 180 since 3 months ago and things are already starting to feel fine as in having fewer thoughts of the STBXW and having more focus and fun with the other things going on with my life.Things are also getting sort of 'normal' whenever I see her after dropping and picking up the kids at her place.
> 
> ...


does his wife know? have you exposed both the parties at their workplace?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

It simply shows that you are the better person. You still care a little even though you know in your head that you should not. This is NOT a bad thing, but a sign of your good character ! It will get better and easier over time. Hang in there !


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> So during this little vacation my STBXW is texting with my daughter and keeping her updated on what she's doing


Crikey! That's really magnanimous of her, isn't it?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> does his wife know? have you exposed both the parties at their workplace?


I'd show up on the prick's doorstep asking for my sunglasses back. Let the wife know your wife gave them to the [email protected] while they were in Thailand!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> does his wife know? have you exposed both the parties at their workplace?


If he hasn't told the dude's wife he is an accessory and just as gulity as they are, IMHO.


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## Sand_Castles (Sep 27, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> does his wife know? have you exposed both the parties at their workplace?


I believe the OMW have hints about it already from the grape vines because my STBXW told me few months ago that the OMW called her up...she denied about the A, same denial bull she was telling me about way back then...after the D is over,I "might" drop the nuclear on those who needed to know if in case they still don't know it by then

I'm afraid that me exposing the A might disrupt their affair and I don't want her coming back to me (if remorseful) or prolonging or complicating the D process (if angry/vengeful)...I just want to continue having my own life back and make it thrive WITHOUT her at the soonest possible time.

But I know "justice" will be served somehow someway to these wayward cheaters, and we BS will have our satisfaction served along the road... it's not a theory, it's a law in fact called the "karmatic law"


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sand_Castles said:


> I believe the OMW have hints about it already from the grape vines because my STBXW told me few months ago that the OMW called her up...she denied about the A, same denial bull she was telling me about way back then...after the D is over,I "might" drop the nuclear on those who needed to know if in case they still don't know it by then
> 
> I'm afraid that me exposing the A might disrupt their affair and I don't want her coming back to me (if remorseful) or prolonging or complicating the D process (if angry/vengeful)...I just want to continue having my own life back and make it thrive WITHOUT her at the soonest possible time.
> 
> But I know "justice" will be served somehow someway to these wayward cheaters, and we BS will have our satisfaction served along the road... it's not a theory, it's a law in fact called the "karmatic law"


You are hurting the OM's wife as much as they are. You should be ashamed. Sounds like maybe your karma is screwed.


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## Sand_Castles (Sep 27, 2012)

chapparal said:


> You are hurting the OM's wife as much as they are. You should be ashamed. Sounds like maybe your karma is screwed.


Me,hurting the OMW?...Me,the one who should be ashamed?

And I thought this site is where you find people who are willing to help you out and maybe ease out the pain you're going through by their support. Hey mate chapparal...we both don't know each other and haven't walked in each others shoe...you definitely don't have the slightest idea on what may be my motivation for my actions at the moment.

And simply doesn't prescribing to your "usual" ideology doesn't have the right for you to bash someone and judge someone.

Of course the OMW has the right to know and WILL definitely know what she needs to know..either from me or from somebody else...all that I'm saying is that I need to deal with my own D issues and own self issues first, then when everything is A-okay and if I believe she is still clueless about the whole A of her WS,then I will drop the bomb on her...in fact not just on her but to the multitude of others who still needs to know.

Its not like no one knows about it mate...my STBXW family already knows about it...most of the STBXW and OM co workers knows about it...my own family already knows about it...I've already told my STBXW closest friends about it...most of the people around their lives already knows about it...the OMW already knows about it (that's why she called my STBXW about it), only thing is it wasn't me who told her... news travel fast in our part of town...

When the time is right,I will CONFIRM everything to her complete with hard rock evidence I assure you,if she still needs a confirmation from me and if the things she knew coming from other people isn't enough yet..You see the OMW is 8 mo.pregnant and I don't wanna be a part of any fetal distress or miscarriage brought upon by some vengeful spouse.I am just a BS not a murderer..and as I was sayin "justice" has its own arms in leveling the fields.

I am the one who has been cheated...I am the one who am raising my kids alone because of this stupid A...I am the one who felt empathy to a pregnant BS fearing that it might hurt or kill their unborn child... and you're saying that karma should screw me up?..c'mon

I came to TAM to get help in picking up the pieces and rebuilding the shattered life of me and my kids...and hopefully helping others in telling them that they are not alone in this journey towards being anew.

I certainly didn't come here to be "judged" by by some trigger happy know it all guy...telling me I should be ashamed, basing his assumption on just a few paragraphs he read, instead of asking questions first and trying to asses things out to be able to help someone who is going through a very tough period in his life and his children...always consider a small amount of empathy to people trying to reach out in here first IMO.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Yeah, I could not resist exposing the affair to OM wife. It got him kicked out and paying child support. My court date is in two days. Once that's behind me, I can truly move on. As far as justice for cheaters, who knows. Some stay together, some don't, all I know is that my wife destroyed our family and I'm trying to move from hate to indifference.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Sand_Castles said:


> -post-


If you're not telling the OMW that shes living a lie just so you don't have to handle YOUR business with YOUR wife, then you certainly aren't doing her any favors at best. 

At worse you're an accomplice in keeping their affair secret.


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## Sand_Castles (Sep 27, 2012)

Kasler said:


> If you're not telling the OMW that shes living a lie just so you don't have to handle YOUR business with YOUR wife, then you certainly aren't doing her any favors at best.
> 
> At worse you're an accomplice in keeping their affair secret.


Mate,please read the entire post.

First,their affair is no secret anymore since my STBXW family and most co workers already knows...my family already knows..the OM co workers already knows...the OMW already knows (just that the news didn't came from me)...The OMW already called and confronted my STBXW about it.

As I've said the OMW is 8 mo. pregnant right now and I don't want any further confirmation of the A to be coming from me at the moment...BUT in due time after she delivers safely and by that time the D papers might be in order, I WILL definitely confirm everything to her...as I've said OMW already knows it, not just coming from my own lips.

So it's not entirely and exclusively to avoid any complication with regards to any business concerning my STBXW.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sand_Castles, I think being selfish is fine at this moment, even if it means to leave BW in the dark (it seems she's not actually). Finalize the divorce, take adventage of it. Wait for BW's child and then contact BW and deliver the evidence. 
I'd apologize to her in advance for not contacting her earlier, despite she has the same opportunities (I asume the pregnancy, the timing is making her to refrain to go nuclear on this too).

BW can't get "unpregnant" now, she can make long lasting decisions after "DDay" with the complete info tough, same way you used the info to your adventage. She deserve it, I know you already know.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks everyone for stealing my thread. I empathize with you sandcastles, but start your own thread.


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## Sand_Castles (Sep 27, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> Thanks everyone for stealing my thread. I empathize with you sandcastles, but start your own thread.


I apologize mate, no intention of doing so...

I just have this really bad way of replying in loooong posts and I just can't resist replying on a few comments where I believe I have to explain some things for some mates here to realize my point of view.

That's why I didn't replied anymore to Acabados comment on my last post...thanks by the way mate (Acabado) :smthumbup:

Sorry again mate MC99...I believe our situation have very much in common and I hope we both get through this sooner than later


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