# I got an email from an old friend, how do I respond?



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I just got an email from an old high school friend that says simply, "I've always had a crush on you."

I would just defriend/block if it was anyone else, but this guy is a veteran who's currently awaiting discharge from the military for traumatic brain injury. I've seen him write similar things on other friends' walls, so it's not just me. However, I know he did always have a crush on me (back in high school, 15 years ago!), so it's probably not untrue. 

He and his wife, and their 3 kids, are moving back to our hometown, where Husband and I and our 2 kids live, as soon as his discharge comes through. I'd rather respond in a sensitive way than just block/defriend. It's a small town, so I'll see him.

What should I do/say? There's no chance that I would have an affair with him, so I'm not worried about putting up a solid boundary to prevent that. I told my husband about it but he has no suggestions. This guy has served our country for 15 years and more than anything, I feel angry that he's obviously not getting the help he needs for what's probably a combination of PTSD and traumatic brain injury.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi!

Hope you are doing well under the circumstances. I see that you, your wife and 3 children are moving back to our hometown once your discharge comes through.

My husband and I would like to extend our thanks to you for serving our country!

Best,

Northernlights


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Don't even mention the crush. It might just be an innocent comment. I ran into a high school friend years later who walked up and said the same thing to me. We chatted about high school, laughed some and that was the end of it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Telling your husband was a great thing to do. Reinforce that boundary!

On Facebook making your communication public is good. Just don't respond to private messages. I wouldn't blow this open on one message yet. Maybe a direct response to this one message along the lines of..
"Wow you have a good memory  
H, I and the kids are doing great."

Don't ask him about his marriage ,his life. his desires. Keep it distancing and if he goes fishing again then you will have to block him.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Thanks elegirl, that sounds perfect.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

thanks ing, I learned it from TAM! I might normally have not told him because the email is kind of embarrassing for me. Awkward. But I've learned here that no matter what, a united front and no secrets!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I just got an email from an old high school friend that says simply, *"I've always had a crush on you."*
> 
> I would just defriend/block if it was anyone else, but this guy is a veteran who's currently awaiting discharge from the military for traumatic brain injury. I've seen him write similar things on other friends' walls, so it's not just me. However, I know he did always have a crush on me (back in high school, 15 years ago!), so it's probably not untrue.
> 
> ...


Just block him. Let him focus on his other crushes. I'm sure he will find one that will be up for it.

If you see him around town and he brings anything up, tell him you just felt it was extremely inappropriate and way out of bounds to send a married woman a message like that, especially with him being a married man.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Tell your husband what you think about this, and tell him also what you are doing about this.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

The answer here should be obvious. This man should not be saying thing like this to you..he is MARRIED. YOU are MARRIED. This is precisely how online affairs start. It doesnt matter if he's a vet. This is just a sympathy ploy. He is MARRIED and should in no way be saying anything of this nature to you. Block or unfriend him..Tell his wife, then tell your husband.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Two of my brothers are Veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan and I understand the respect for wounded Veterans. Having said that, I find his "crush" comment to be inappropriate. I agree with some of the others that blocking him is a good idea, but I understand why you don't want to do that. Telling your husband was a good idea and when you do reply back, I would mention to him that the "crush" comment was in appropriate and that he shouldn't mention it again. Draw the line.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I just got an email from an old high school friend that says simply, "I've always had a crush on you."
> 
> I would just defriend/block if it was anyone else, but this guy is a veteran who's currently awaiting discharge from the military for traumatic brain injury. I've seen him write similar things on other friends' walls, so it's not just me. However, I know he did always have a crush on me (back in high school, 15 years ago!), so it's probably not untrue.
> 
> ...


It shouldn't make any difference if he's a vet or facing a surgery. His actions are unacceptable- to you, your marriage and his family & marriage.

Unacceptable.

I think you need to tell him so. Anything less is leading him on. Even if you don't mean it as such, he will. We guys are pigs, so cut him off now.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I have an idea.

Ignore it.

If you run into him later and he asks - just tell him, oh, huh, I never check my FB messages.

5 will get you 10 he'll take the non-response as a rejection and never bring it up even if he does run into you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I just got an email from an old high school friend that says simply, "I've always had a crush on you."
> 
> I would just defriend/block if it was anyone else, but this guy is a veteran who's currently awaiting discharge from the military for traumatic brain injury. I've seen him write similar things on other friends' walls, so it's not just me. However, I know he did always have a crush on me (back in high school, 15 years ago!), so it's probably not untrue.
> 
> ...


Email back That's good to know Thank God you have found your gorgeous wife who gave you your wonderful children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I just got an email from an old high school friend that says simply, "I've always had a crush on you."
> 
> I would just defriend/block if it was anyone else, but this guy is a veteran who's currently awaiting discharge from the military for traumatic brain injury. I've seen him write similar things on other friends' walls, so it's not just me. However, I know he did always have a crush on me (back in high school, 15 years ago!), so it's probably not untrue.
> 
> ...


Dear northernlights,

You did the right thing by telling your husband and you clearly want to do what's right by your marriage. However, the statement in your post that I've *bolded* troubles me.

I believe it's a mistake for any married person (man or woman) to think that there is "no chance" that they would ever cheat or to say that they are not "worried" about their ever cheating. Better to realize and accept the fact that we can all go astray if we don't vigilantly protect the sanctity of our marriages (as you are obviously trying to do).

Likewise, when you speak of "putting up a solid boundary to prevent" yourself from cheating, I wonder what you have in mind. Boundaries only work if they are respected, and respecting them is something we must do every day. We can cross a boundary at any time, so the fact that we have boundaries and have honored them in the past is no guarantee -- and should not give us a false sense of security -- that we will never to anything wrong in the future.

I am also troubled by the fact that your husband "had no suggestions" as to how you should handle this. You went to him for help. As your huband, he had an obligation to help you and to ensure that you did the right thing by your marriage. For me, his failure to advise you was a breach of his obligation to protect you and your marriage. He probably did this because he trusts you totally but, as you and other veteran readers of TAM will recognize, this is a potentially dangerous mindset. I suggest that you discuss this with him and tell him that, in the future, you would like him to be more proactive in regard to such matters.

Perhaps I'm reading to much into this and, if so, I apologize but I'm responding in the hope that my observations are of some value to you.

Finally, as I have a son who is on active duty in a war zone, I really respect the fact that you care about your high school friend who was injured in service to his country.

Wishing the best for you and your family (and the injured vet).


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Please do not respond. This is how my husband ended up in an affair. She stated that she always had a crush on him. 

Also, it would not bother you so much if it did not peak your interest.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> If you run into him later and he asks - just tell him, oh, huh, I never check my FB messages.


Facebook now shows you if your message has been seen, so I don't think I'd go that route. No need to lie about whether you've seen the message or not, especially if the other person is going to know you are lying about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear northernlights,
> 
> You did the right thing by telling your husband and you clearly want to do what's right by your marriage. However, the statement in your post that I've *bolded* troubles me.
> 
> I am also troubled by the fact that your husband "had no suggestions" as to how you should handle this.


Thanks for your thoughts Carmen, I was vague in that sentence you bolded. I just meant that there's no way I would have an affair with a guy with a brain injury. My husband is being evaluated for a neurological problem, and there's just no way I would even invite more of that into my life! I do have more sympathy for my friend and his wife than I would have 6 months ago, because I think I have a better understanding of what they're going through. 
That's also probably why H had no suggestions for me in regards to responding to the email. Though he's not through with the testing yet, so I'm still not sure what he's capable of and just not doing, versus incapable of.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Thanks for your thoughts Carmen, I was vague in that sentence you bolded. I just meant that there's no way I would have an affair with a guy with a brain injury. My husband is being evaluated for a neurological problem, and there's just no way I would even invite more of that into my life! I do have more sympathy for my friend and his wife than I would have 6 months ago, because I think I have a better understanding of what they're going through.
> That's also probably why H had no suggestions for me in regards to responding to the email. Though he's not through with the testing yet, so I'm still not sure what he's capable of and just not doing, versus incapable of.


Sorry to hear all this, northernlights. I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers.


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