# After her year in rehab, my wife isn't attracted to me



## Loyal (Aug 3, 2011)

My wife just spent a year away from our family because of a heroin addiction. Both of our daughters were born positive tox due to her using, so 99% of the world told me it was time to dump her and move on. I did not.

Instead, I sent her money when I could, visited somewhat regularly though she was 200 miles away, and moved hell and high water to get us all back together again (our daughters are 5 & 1.

We had a monthlong, sex-filled reunion while my sister watched the kids, but when the little ones returned, my wife suddenly lost interest in sex.

She said she needed time to adjust (which was fair), but I freaked out 10 days ago when I discovered her texting photos of her vagina to one of her counselors. She swears that nothing ever happened between them (and I believe her), but I reacted angrily and we had a lot of emotional talks over the last week.

That's when she told me she's no longer attracted to me. She's 100% devoted to being there for the kids, but can't promise anything towards me. She says she has no interest in another man, but it bothers me that she seemingly doesn't care for me either. She has no real reaction to how hurt I feel either, and that's killing me.

I need her help to raise the kids. Financially there's just no way I can do it alone, but part of me wants to kick her out. She has nowhere to go.

I'd do anything to get her all the way back. The best I can come up with is just to be supportive and stop the arguing and pressure.

Any help out there? Thanks!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A drug addiction is huge. Coming down from an addiction is even bigger. I don't know the emotions personally but from what friends have told me, they were never the same afterwards and if they DID become the same, it took a long while.

I commend you for sticking this out. Drugs are a deal breaker for me.


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## Loyal (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks that girl. 

She told me she had to make peace with the possibility that I wouldn't take her back, so now that I did she's just not feeling it.

I really want to do what's best for the kids (i.e. keeping them with dad AND mom if mom stays clean), but I need love and affection, too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I guess time is the answer. She's gone through a lot (as you have as well)...I hope things work out.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

She's gone through a lot, but there's a whole different issue going on. Her counselor needs to be reported to the state board and to the facility she was at. To be sexting a recent patient, well past the point of words...to the point of naked photos, is not ethical at any point. It's very likely that this started while she was still in treatment, which makes him unprofessional at best, a predator at worst and the facility itself complicit in the whole matter.

Regardless of how or where it began though, it sounds to me like you're dealing with total affair fog. It's been over a year since she went into treatment, she long past detox, she's switched one 'high' for another.

Oh, and women don't send pictures of their hoo-ha's to guys as a 'joke', to 'friends' or 'just because'. If we send them, it's to someone we've slept with or want to sleep with.

You can be patient and not pressure her if you think that's best, but look carefully at what you're really dealing with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes, that's true about the hoo-haw pics.

Men are different...I've had friends (in the distant past) send me pics of their members as a joke. Nice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You have your wife back, but it's likely that her ability to deal with life on life's terms is limited, at best. She drugged herself out, initially, to keep from dealing with the challenges of life. Now she has to take the tools she was given in recovery and learn to live without her drug of choice.

Her texting photos of her anatomy to one of her counselors isn't necessarily indictative that the counselor had anything other than a professional relationship with her.

Realize that you may not get her back. I don't know how long she was addicted during your relationship, but during her active addiction she wasn't available to you anyway. Ever consider going to open Nar-Anon or A.A. meetings? Addicts can give you excellent insight as to what your wife is going through.

How about counseling for yourself? Al-Anon is basically for friends and family of alcoholics, but I have personally known people who attended who had spouses who were sex addicts, gambling addicts, and drug addicts. The meetings focus on your own need to deal with the struggles you encounter with the addict. There are a lot of folks in those rooms who have walked in your shoes and can give you support. You might want to attend several different meetings, just go see if it works for you.

You can't change her, but you can find constructive change for yourself .... and it can make a world of difference.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Your wife sent a picture of what to who??? She’s an absolute fruit case. Do you really want a woman like that around your children? The reason she is with you is because she has no place to go, other wise she’d be out of there make no mistake about that. Treat her as an adult, not some sort of dependent (it will be good for her too) and stop being a codependent.


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## Loyal (Aug 3, 2011)

I'm 40, my wife's 38 and we've been together for 9 years (married for 6).

I learned about her addiction the day our first child was born, and it started before we met. The only time she hasn't used for sure was the year children's services tested her weekly at home. When they stopped, she started up again (I found out too late).

She bankrupted us, got us evicted and on and on it goes. 

The kids love her, and at this point, the heartbreaking idea of breaking them apart so soon after they were reunited is all that I'm hanging onto.

She destroyed my trust in her before this latest stuff, and now I'm realizing how far gone she must be.

I've dabbled in counselors and NA meetings, but we're way behind in life and I need to be out working as much as possible. I just want my wife to take care of the kids and not share herself (in 2D or 3D) with other men. 

Our reunion is still fresh, but I'm already feeling like it was a mistake. Just can't decide what's best for the kids in this situation.

(Thanks for all the honest replies)


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

STOP,


do whats right for you and your children divorce this loser and raise your children before this woman ruins everybodys life.

MAN UP and do whats you know in your heart is right.

! she bankedrupted you 
! she hid her drug addiction from you
! she is sending pics of her vagina to her therapist
(he should be reported because I would bet my last dollar he was banging her )
! she used drugs while pregnate
! she has no desire for you



What are you getting out of this relationship? besides hard ship and pain!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Shes devoted your your kids so you have to pay child suport and she can still do drugs.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Given her past, no judge in their right mind would give her custody.

But, she probably feels that you may never forgive her, and she's waiting for you to yank the rug out of under her and divorce. You already said that she resigned herself to the fact that you may not take her back. If you want to keep her, give her time, she needs to see that you won't give up on her.

But of course, there's the issue of the pics.

I'd turn this counselor in, whether he solicited those pics or not.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> Her texting photos of her anatomy to one of her counselors isn't necessarily indictative that the counselor had anything other than a professional relationship with her.


The indication would be her having his personal cell phone number, which isn't appropriate within a professional therapeutic relationship. We're not talking about an AA sponsor, this seems to be a paid employee of a treatment facility. She's either gone to great lengths to obtain this information from other means, (which he should have reported for a whole host of other reasons) or else he gave her his number. As the professional, he has a much greater responsibility for enforcing the boundary either way.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ant councler worth his weight would immeadiatly turn thoese pics over to his supervisor to protect his job if he wasn't activly involved with her somehow.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

All we know is the wife sent extremely inappropriate photos to one of her counselors. The OP mentions no further details. At one time, I had my psychologist's cell phone number in case I needed to contact him in an emergency. It's not the norm, but I don't think it violates professional ethics.

The OP doesn't say if the counselor deleted the photos, showed the photos to his supervisor, or if he sent the wife photos of his wee-wee in response.

A lot of assumptions being made here with very little info. to go on. The poster could certainly call the counselor, confront the guy, and find out what's going on. Doesn't sound like he's taken any action regarding the situation, other than having it out with his wife.


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## Loyal (Aug 3, 2011)

re: the photos

The counselor works at the halfway house where my wife spent 7 months. They now go to a couple of the same weekly NA meetings.

I saw undeleted sent texts on my wife's phone sent to the counselor. Other undeleted texts made it seem like he'd sent pictures to her too (from what she said), but there was no evidence of that on her phone.

I did call the counselor immediately & he hung up on me after denying everything. Then I texted him threatening to turn the proof (bluffing a bit) over to local media outlets if he didn't tell me what happened.

Days later I confronted him in person, and he basically said what she told me. They'd talked a lot on the phone because she felt more comfortable relating to him, and he'd tried to cheer her up when she mentioned the problems she was having with me.

I don't feel like I'm getting the whole truth from either of them, but I think it may really be true that it hadn't progressed beyond a phone relationship yet. She just "graduated" from her rehab a couple months ago, and she said he too afraid of losing his job to approach her for anything more than pictures (still awful).

I suspect this guy does this to lots of girls in the rehab, but I really have no proof to get him in trouble because I smashed my wife's phone beyond repair in anger. To make matters worse, I'm on thin ice with children's services (despite not being a drug user) myself because I "allowed" both of of my kids to be born positive for heroin. They indicated to me that next time they have to get involved, they'll take the kids first and sort it out later. This counselor hinted to me that he may make trouble for us with children's services if I do anything to jeopardize his job or marriage.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So basically the only reason your kids are still in the home is because your wife has gone to treatment, right?

Two kids, two pos-tox births which equals evidence that you knew that the mother was using in the home, at least after the first one and were complicit in that child endangerment. That's the CPS stance, anyway.

So basically, you've used two strikes when it comes to family services and they've flat-out told you that you that next time they're called, the kids are out.

So to keep going with my little baseball analogy....with one strike left, in the bottom of the ninth, you're putting a person up to bat who:

**Has pretty much told you the only reason she ISN'T having a full-blown physical affair is because the guy is afraid of losing his job.

**Is sexting with a guy who's more than willing to hold the threat of CPS over you for interfering with his job, his wife or his time with your wife.

**Beyond her own questionable moral actions, she hasn't actively parented in over a year and now is presumably going to be a primary caretaker while you work? 

I get that you feel like you need another body there to manage kids, house and work. But you've been getting by without that for a year already. She's not only a train wreck for herself and your marriage, she's already put the two of you in a good position to lose your kids and it's only been a month! I ran a visitation center for a few years and let me tell you--even when you get cleared of accusations, it's far harder to prove you're a good parent when you've already got a history in the system that it is for them to stack more in the file.

There's a fine line between loyalty and doormat. For God's sake, don't risk your kids just to prove what decent guy you are to "stand by your woman".


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

Loyal said:


> re: the photos
> This counselor hinted to me that he may make trouble for us with children's services if I do anything to jeopardize his job or marriage.


If he said that to me I would immediately tell both his wife AND his employer, not just about the texts/images BUT also about the threat to your children, but that is me.

Having said that, I was once in your wife's shoes, so to speak. I was addicted to opiates and when I finally quit using them, I was a hollowed out, emotionless wreck. It took me well over a year before I could deal with life and be a husband/father. I was serious and took steps to fix myself, went and got my GED, enrolled in college courses and got a degree and a career. Why she stuck by me I will never know, but she said that she knew I was serious about making things right. We now have a good relationship. We travel and ski and do all sorts of things together. There is always hope, but the ball is in her court. It has to be her effort. All you can do is lay down the law and enforce it if need be.


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