# He's gone... won't talk to me



## missyoualready (May 18, 2012)

Hello. A little back story. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 and 1/2 years. He was previously in the military, but last year his contract ended shortly after returning home from Afghanistan. He's had a hard time dealing with the things that he had to do and see over there, and it's definitely affected our marriage. He's been angry, and gets upset over the stupidest things. 

In December of last year he moved out, saying he needed to work on himself. I moved in with my mother, and 2 weeks later he was living with me again because he realized he had made a mistake. We began renting a house in February, and lately things have been rough. We've been arguing a lot over stupid things, and our life was just kind of in a rut. Work, home, TV/ computer, sleep, cycle continues. 

3 Days ago I come home from work and he tells me he wants a divorce. I break down, crying, upset, etc. We decided to go to marriage counseling and try and make things work. He had a friend he was going to stay with, but for the night he cuddled with me in bed and held me and told me he loved me. 

The next day was rough, we texted back and forth and he went to our house to collect his things. He waited for me to come home (I get off work later than him) and he re-assured me that everything would be okay and we would work on us. I still have some of his things at our home. 

Yesterday during the day we texted back and forth about our days, he told me he loved me, told me he hated where he was staying. We talked about our plans for today to go and get him signed up to start getting therapy for his issues stemming from his duty in Afghanistan. 

I talked him around 4:30, he told me to call him when I got home so we could make plans. I tried to call... his phone was off. Almost 4 hours later I get a text from him saying "I'm thinking of going back home (to his home state) and I just can't be here reminded of what I've done" meaning to us. I royally freak out, send him tons of text messages, try to call, but his phone is off again. Almost 2 hours later, another message, "I just need to think about what my heart wants that's all, I'm not sure what I'm doing and I don't want to see you and put that pain in you anymore." I tried to call, his phone was on the first time, then he turned it off and nothing since then. I sent him a heartfelt message this morning, it said:

"Good morning, my love. I hope you slept well. I'm sorry I was being so emotional last night, i'm sure that just made it harder on you.

I know you're dealing with a lot of guilt and anger towards yourself right now, but nobody is perfect. I'm definitely not. I've made mistakes in this relationship, wronged you emotionally many times. I've shut you out and stopped thinking about how much the way I was acting was hurting you. That was wrong of me and I'm so sorry.

Last night you wanted to be alone, but really you werren't. I know I was in your thoughts and heart because you love me and it kills you to be away from me like this. I know you don't want this. I can feel your pain in my heart and I'm so sorry you're hurting.

I know you know that we aren't the problem. Running away to Oregon wont make anything better. You'll still have the same pain and hurt, and you'll have even more regrets. We were made for each other. Our hearts are one.

I know you don't want to hurt me anymore, and I'd be lying if I said that this wasn't hurting me, but the fact that you care so much about how I feel proves that you do love me. You're just pushing down that love with all the hate you have for yourself.

I know we have marraige problems, but that isn't the reason you're ogne right now. Your demons are dragging you away. Our marraige problems just made your inner demons stronger. But we can fight them togheter, bubby.

I know getting help is scary, but I"ll be with you every step of the way. I'm more than your wife, I'm your friend and I'm here for you.

I'm sorry I didn't see this before. I'm sorry I didn't know how bad you were hurting. That's the difference this time. I know how much you hurt inside from everything and you're not just lashing out because your'e angry at something silly.

Knowing that, I can be more gentle and loving and understanding when you get upset. We can do this together.

You're not trying to run from me,, you're trying to run from the pain. You can't outrun what's living inside of you, baby.

We are the best thing that has ever happened to each other, losing me and all that we have together won't make it easier to work on yourself. You'll just have even more regret and hate yourself more for losing me.

Giving up on us is giving up on yourself and your lfie, just like your father gave up on his life. I don't want that for you, or for us

I love you and I'm always going to be here for you. I'd love to hear from you today, please talk to me. Maybe we can go to together like we planned? I miss you so so much and i love you with all of my heart. I'll wait for you." 

I'm so confused, scared, heart broken. I'm hurting because he's hurting. I'm scared that he's never going to talk to me again. I'm scared he's going to leave without saying goodbye.

I just need help, advice, anything. Before he offered to tell me where he was staying, and now I wish I had took him up on it. I know the general area but I don't want to be a creep and go look for him. I'm worried and I feel sick. I can't think about anything else.


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Honey, I want first to welcome you to TAM. For many of us, this place is our primary support group. You will find a lot of people here in surprisingly similar situations. I myself am just a month into being left by my husband, who also has issues (not PTSD but others) that he needs to work on but instead runs away. I also do not know where he is living. The best advice I can give you is to take a deep breath. Right now. Take a few more. Now, know that as much as you want to talk your way out of this, you can't...nothing you say or do will make your husband come home to stay within the immediate future...but a lot of what you can say will make him run. He is clearly confused and as much as it hurts, if he wants to be alone right now, you can't change that. The good news is that tomorrow will be a little better. There is a lot to learn about being separated...things none of us knew when we started our journeys here...but you can learn from us. We will be here for you. So please start to read other threads, and tell us how you are feeling as often as you need to!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

