# my life feels like its falling apart



## lincagi (Jul 11, 2009)

My husband and I have been married a little over 2 years and just had our first baby 3 weeks ago. While I was pregnant I found out my husband had been having Excessive phone conversation with a girl that he works with 10 years younger than him. He claimed it was JUST conversation and needed someone to vent to about our problems. I decided to forgive him and work things out. He promised to end all contact with her and never to anyone else with his problems but me. Not even a month later, I came to find out the phone calls were still continuing. And they were in the same excessive manner- a few times a day, sometimes several- every single day. Once again I forgive him. He told me he was unhappy, but couldnt tell me why. Just that he was miserable. He also told me that "it was the little things that counted in a marriage and because I didnt make the bed everyday I didnt take his feelings into consideration." I told him this was a completely ridiculous reason to end a marriage with someone you love. And told him he had his faults as well but nothing that would make me unhappy with him and in our marriage...We both broke down cried and agreed to work things out- we had a baby on the way in a month. In that time til the baby was born he was great.. Attentive to my needs, seemed to be excited about the baby... etc.
Well here we are 3 weeks later, our daughter is here and I found out he was speaking to this girl again. The day he talked to her on the phone I walked into our garage and found him hysterical crying and he told me that he was just "miserable".. I have access to his phone records and he had 8000 text messages this month. I can only assume the excessive phone convos he was having with this girl has turned into excessive texting. He claims he jsut needs to vent to someone.
He left our nome to stay at his mothers house, then is going to our vacation home for an unspecified amount of time to "get his head together". I cant take this emotional roller coaster and having my life and our daughters life in limbo. His selfishness is extremely sickeing to me at this point. The fact he can just walk away form his daughter is shocking to me. These are not the actions of the man i married. He told me he did not want to leave me, but is bringing up scenarios like we are going to be apart. He talks about when he will see our daughter, what we would do with our cars, how he would pay for the bills without me etc....

So here I am alone with a newborn, 24/7 trying to keep it together for her... He has stopped by the house before and after work to see her, but thats it. Hes having his cake and eating it too by just coming and going as he pleases....I just dont know how long I can take this... can anyone give me any insight on this? I want this to work more than anything in the world but im afraid he is just going to drag this out and hurt me everyday more and more by not coming home to his family and im going to resent him.. and if and when he does decide to work it out its going to be too late.,...


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

This next line is said all too often in these forums....At the very least he is having an emotional affair...but most likely physical too. This other girl is more than just a friend to vent to. 

I would say he is torn....he loves you and your child, but also wants some time of relationship with this other woman. 

Maybe he has crossed the line and is affraid to admit it to you figuring you would boot him out.

He is a first time father....maybe he is really stressed about it. Becoming a father really freaks some guys out.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lincagi--

i've been in your husbands shoes. please accept my perception as just that, my perception.

i believe that he is at a point where he is seeing his own life in the rear-view mirror. this girl that he is carrying on with represents life in easier times. life without care, worry responsibility. it's not fair to you. it just is.

this other girl is giving him attention. he has no responsibility to her. none. it feels to him like unconditional love. his feelings are very "6th grade crush-ish."

to see or hear them together would likely sicken you. you'd probably say something like "we used to act like that together" and you'd be right. this new girl is filling a niche that you used to fill. maybe you can't anymore. or just don't.

this crush will pass. but don't be lazy about it. talk about it like adults. tell him how much it hurts you. ask him how you can assume the position that this girl, that your relationship depends upon each of you fulfilling that role of emotional supporter to survive. remind him that you've always looked to him for that kind of love and support and you're asking for that now. you're heart will take over. good luck. i wish you the best.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Please accept my sincere sympathy for what you are having to deal with your husbands affair with a girl 10 years younger than you, on top of having just become a new mother. 

Perhaps your dh got married and was not ready? Perhaps the new role of becoming a father made the "finality" of his (conflicted?) decision to marry and then becoming a dad, feel like a resounding trap closing on him? 

Women often adjust to parenthood by assimilating a baby easier, a man sees it as responsibility BIG TIME. Sometimes he also sees the baby as something you love more than him...selfish, but true. Men sometimes don't understand the idea the love for a child is SO much different than mature couple love.

I agree with what V stated is the basis of this affair: 

"_i believe that he is at a point where he is seeing his own life in the rear-view mirror. this girl that he is carrying on with represents life in easier times. life without care, worry responsibility. it's not fair to you. it just is_." 

I am going to use another statement from V's post:

"this new girl is filling a niche that you used to fill. maybe you can't anymore. or just don't.".

I believe the role this "girl" is filling *has nothing to do with what YOU used to fill or can't fill, or don't fill - as his affair has nothing to do with what he is missing from YOU,* it has *everything* to do with what he is missing from his CHARACTER - _at this time_: 

the ability to take on responsibility, to make a vow and stick with it. :smthumbup:

You sound very mature and capable. You are hurt and disappointed, angry and rightly so! *What you must decide now is how to proceed now that you have discovered you have not one baby on your hands, but two.* 

He has issues that is for SURE. I would try to focus on yourself and the baby, as those obviously are the most pressing. Let your dh "flop" around and ruin HIS life, but don't let him ruin yours or this once in a lifetime moment of mothering with your NEW tiny and precious daughter.

If it were me I would text this young lady myself, or call her, or go see her and let her know you know all about her and that SHE has a man on her fishing line that hasn't a clue what he is doing....and if he leaves you, he will do to her what he is doing to you, it will only be a matter of time.

Let her think about that. 

In the mean time, ask your dh to get some counseling with or without you to sort out where he wants to go with this new direction he chose for himself, because you are not going that direction WITH him. Put the ball back in HIS court and then go take care of yourself.

Sorry this is so long, but he has lost his mind and my heart goes out to you. He is an idiot right now.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Another few questions to help clear the dynamic in my head:

How OLD is he?
Has he been married before?
How long did you date before you married?
Did you cohabit before you married for very long?
Does he have employment issues?
Any other issues going on?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

voivod said:


> lincagi--
> 
> i've been in your husbands shoes. please accept my perception as just that, my perception.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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