# Not sure what to do



## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*I've been with my gf for nearly 4 years. Things started slow. We went out together and were friends. Then...BOOM! We were a couple. Sex was awesome. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Sometimes we'd have arguments but for the most part we got along great.

Fast forward about 2 1/2 years. The sex started slowing down. She said things would pick back up but they didn't. She said her hormones were messed up and she lost her desire and I didn't push the matter a lot. It would come up sometimes but I waited. Well now it has been over a year since any kind of sex has happened. None at all in 2015. 

We've been fussing and arguing more and don't get along as good since then either and I believe it is because of the lack of sex. But she also started claiming that touching of any kind hurt as well. Fibromyalgia is what she has. So we have not cuddled or snuggled or any kind of physical affection, not just sex.

I love her and have waited for her. Well in November we had a bad fight. It just blew up. Issues came up. It was bad but we both apologized. But after that she has said she has wanted to leave. Her family lives a few towns over and she has been driving back and forth. She still "lived" here. Long story short, she has started staying with them for days at a time. Cost of gas, wear and tare on the car and her mom passed. So she's been staying with her dad. Understandable. But she has been bringing up breaking up but still being friends. She says she doesn't think she loves me like a "lover" anymore but that she still has a lot of love for me. As a friend. She doesn't know if things will go back to the way they were and she doesn't want me to wait on something that may never happen. I told her I don't want to break up and that we shouldn't. I told her I would wait on her. She says we can continue to try but I don't think she really wants to.

In my head, I feel like she left me over a year ago. But my heart says to hang onto her no matter what.

I know this is long but I have left a lot out because nobody has time for a book.

Anyway, any advice?*


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

This is one of those "plenty of fish in the sea" things. I know it really hurts but you need to move on. I think that you are right; she left you a year ago. She has pretty much made everything crystal clear but it seems like she doesn't want to hurt you. I fully believe that someday you will look back and be grateful that she had the guts to end it. Love gets way, way better than what you described.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Birdie,
I know she doesn't want to hurt me. The reason I hold out hope is because she was the best I ever had. The love was there. Love doesn't just move on when things get rough and inconvenient. 

Thank you for the advice. My head thinks your right but my heart says no. Very difficult.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You dont have a girlfriend my friend. She is your female friend and nothing more sorry.

Find yourself another girl.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I do believe her hormones are out of whack. Her thyroid is off and she has been to the dr. She also got pregnant and had a miscarriage. So I know there are issues. I don't know if she's thinking clearly. I think of the closeness that we had and how good things were. She tends to think of what I didn't do right in her opinion. 

In the past, she told me that she believed that we were meant to be together and that we always would be. I still have the text message. Well I just found some cards that she had given me and she wrote it in there as well. I know I meant a lot to her and she treated me like a king. I know about the honeymoon phase it obviously ended a long time ago but there's got to be something more. I feel it.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

LostinMO said:


> The reason I hold out hope is because she was the best I ever had.


Sorry friend but 'the best you ever had' doesn't look like it was all that good.

There is lots, and I mean lots, better out there.

Don't be sucked in by the sunken cost fallacy.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Hard to end a relationship of 4 years. Too bad it's your only choice. Sorry man.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

LostInMO:

Do me a favor. Read your opening post. Then read post #5. The very things you say are a problem in the OP you begin making excuses for later. 

You know what you need to do. Now stop making excuses for it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I am just saying that I know there are issues, besides the ones I already mentioned. It's not that she just stopped for no reason and because of that I am done with her. I am trying to understand and hang in there. 

I know you all are right though. She was here Sunday and she hasn't been talking to me much. I messaged her last night and again today but have not heard back from her. That's no way to treat the "love of your life" though.

And things were awesome. Still yet she says she loves me. I know I should just let go and move on but ...emotions and stuff!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

could there be someone else ?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Lost: Did she at anytime ever seek out hormonal therapy through a medical doctor?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Xenote said:


> could there be someone else ?


No. I am very sure of that.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Lost: Did she at anytime ever seek out hormonal therapy through a medical doctor?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. She is taking medicine for her thyroid. I've been to the dr with her. It all started with the pregnancy and miscarriage.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It doesn't sound like there's much good there for you to save; count your blessings and move on.

Are you afraid of being alone?


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

marduk said:


> It doesn't sound like there's much good there for you to save; count your blessings and move on.
> 
> Are you afraid of being alone?


I don't think I am afraid of being alone but it is on my mind. I would rather be alone that be in a bad relationship. I am a loner by nature. Right now I feel pretty isolated. Don't really speak to my dad much right now and my son has been alienated against me and he doesn't talk to me. Unless he wants something.

I do not have a support network. I just got off the phone with her and I feel a little better.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

LostinMO said:


> I don't think I am afraid of being alone but it is on my mind. I would rather be alone that be in a bad relationship. I am a loner by nature. Right now I feel pretty isolated. Don't really speak to my dad much right now and my son has been alienated against me and he doesn't talk to me. Unless he wants something.
> 
> I do not have a support network. I just got off the phone with her and I feel a little better.


See, there's the problem.

You're still looking to her to make you feel better.

Stop that.

Get to a place where you can make you feel better.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

We talked and texted last night and she still says that she loves me. I suppose that if she said that she didn't love me anymore, it'd be easier. I'm thinking of talking to her about the relationship 1 more time but telling her if she still wants to leave, that I won't stop her.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

LostinMO said:


> We talked and texted last night and she still says that she loves me. I suppose that if she said that she didn't love me anymore, it'd be easier. I'm thinking of talking to her about the relationship 1 more time but telling her if she still wants to leave, that I won't stop her.


Yeah...holding out hope. Ok for a day or two, but as I said, it's time.

Sure she loves you. She said so, remember? You wrote it.



LostinMO said:


> *
> She says she doesn't think she loves me like a "lover" anymore but that she still has a lot of love for me. As a friend. S*


She does still love you. As a friend. Is that what you want?


Oh, and this is important too:



LostinMO said:


> * my gf *


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

She wants to be friends with you, that's it and it is clear even from here. You're best move is to say no dice and end contact with her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

when she says she loves you is that love as in lover or brother ? huge difference, if the latter move on


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Unfortunately, you are grasping at straws. You don't have a future with this woman and at most you are delaying and extending the pain for both of you. 

She is your gf not your wife of 25 years. You will drive yourself crazy with theories and explanations and "what ifs" that will all end up in the same place with the same fundamental truth. You need to find someone new.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Thanks for the advice all. Sorry to be so thick headed. Yes she loves me but she's not sure it's as a lover anymore. 

How can someone go from thinking you are the one and that we were meant for eachother to just slowly choking the life out of the relationship til she says she's had enough?


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## mimihalo (Jan 29, 2016)

Wow that's a very short story I am sure there is a lot more to it . hopefully you are getting thru this if you still need advice or to talk let me know I have had similar situations a little different but hurt is hurt and its tough to deal with let me know how things worked out or if you would like to trade some opinions advice or just vent ! Take care


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Xenote said:


> could there be someone else ?


YES!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

LostinMO said:


> No. I am very sure of that.


Don't be so sure... We've seen it here a million times .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She has smoked you out. I'm afraid it's over, my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

What gets me about these little ILYBINILWY speeches is that it should generally be the other person saying it. Of course she doesn't love you like a lover; she refused to have sex! I would bet a fortune that as soon as she starts another relationship she'll have sex with him all the time.

You should be saying, "well honey, you're not really doing much for me in the lover department either, nothing in fact".

You're the only one trying here. Just let this dead carcass of a relationship go. You sound like a necrophiliac.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

OliviaG,
While I appreciate everyone's comments here you are the first to get why I am trying to hang on. Yes, she was pregnant and had a miscarriage. We did not realize what had happened until after the miscarriage. She went into early menopause and the Dr said she couldn't get pregnant. We just did not expect it to happen. It's been a year to a year and a half on the thyroid issue. They are still adjusting her medication for it. In fact she was tested for it yesterday and they have to adjust her medication lvl again.

I have been to the rheumatologist with her so I know first hand that she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The only thing the dr suggested was working out and exercise. 

I know she loves me but she seems to be trying to push me away. I haven't seen her in almost a week. I know she is very tired from helping her dad and watching her grandson but it doesn't seem that she is reaching out to me like someone who loves me should. She gives excuses to things. She doesn't talk to me much on the phone because she's tired. She's not sure if she's coming home this weekend because she doesn't feel good. She's been at her dad's for most of the month and she doesn't know when she's coming back home because she told her dad that she'll stay there as long as he needs her to. She promised her mom that she'd take care of her dogs. The 2 dogs she had, 1 was her son's and the other was her daughter's so all the reasons she gives me just seems like excuses and I almost feel as if she is hoping that I get fed up and end it since I am still hanging on.

I want to talk to her try to convince her to stay in the relationship one last time but she's not giving me much a chance to do so for the last few weeks.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I do appreciate everyone's opinions and advice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

LostinMO said:


> How can someone go from thinking you are the one and that we were meant for eachother to just slowly choking the life out of the relationship til she says she's had enough?


Well, for what it's worth, relationships run their course. As far as "how" can someone go from thinking you're their soul mate to just wanting to be friends (and she probably doesn't even really want to be friends) is she's moved on. The only way you would really know how it all came about is to crawl inside her head and become her. 

She's being nice and letting you down easy. Believe me, she really is being nice. When a guy comes across as needy and clingy, it's about as attractive as toxic waste. I would have blocked you on social media and my phone when you started with the let's-try-one-more-time stuff.

But that's just me. When I'm done, I'm done. No need to stick a fork in me to find out. JMO.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Come on. Of course she's already been seeing someone else. Which why she cut the sex off. She wants to be loyal to her man. You're just the guy she doesn't know how to let go. She has some fondness for you and doesn't want to hurt you. Also stringing you along, keeps you as plan B just in case but it does sound like she's starting to gather the strength to let you go. It starts slowly with the ILYBINILWY speech but will devolve into really mean ugliness when your neediness gets to tiresome or her new man tells her to cut you off.

Implement the 180 to help you detach. You're WAY to needy. Go push yourself out of your comfort zone. I understand you're very introverted but that doesn't mean you give up on life. Set some physical, educational, spiritual goals for yourself so you can immerse yourself in. Striving for something new will help ease the pain of the breakup. 

As you slowly become a new man, you'll attract the right person into your life. Right now you have this girl on a pedestal and you've convinced yourself that you'll never find a comparable woman. There are many women out there and some would love a strong guy with a gentle spirit. But you'll never find her as long as you continue to worship at the alter of this girl. Let this one go and find out what life has for you.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

To those who say she is cheating...she is not. She is not giving it to anyone else because she has ZERO sex drive now. Her hormones are screwed up. Also, the fibromyalgia makes it so that it hurts for her to be touched. This is not a matter of there being someone else. I can understand why some of you would think that.

As for being clingy, good God. She was way more clingy than me. She thought that we should do EVERYTHING together. That didn't happen. Almost impossible. I'm holding on because I love her. She says she loves me and wants to stay close. Last I saw her, we hugged and then she initiated a kiss. It's not like I am clinging to someone who wants NOTHING to do with me. If she wanted out, all she would have to do is TELL me without making it sound like she still loves me.

It is not cut and dry. If I took the majority's advice, I'd end it and do the 180. But there are issues and under all those issues is love. It's tough for me, as a person, to say you are no longer giving me what I want so now I am done with you. Love wouldn't do that.

I know you all mean well and I am not certain what I will do yet.  This is very hard on me. We all have issues. I have plenty of them. I wouldn't want someone to just walk away from me if I didn't, for whatever legitimate reason, give her what she needs.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

LostinMO said:


> To those who say she is cheating...she is not. She is not giving it to anyone else because she has ZERO sex drive now. Her hormones are screwed up. Also, the fibromyalgia makes it so that it hurts for her to be touched. This is not a matter of there being someone else. I can understand why some of you would think that.
> 
> As for being clingy, good God. She was way more clingy than me. She thought that we should do EVERYTHING together. That didn't happen. Almost impossible. I'm holding on because I love her. She says she loves me and wants to stay close. Last I saw her, we hugged and then she initiated a kiss. It's not like I am clinging to someone who wants NOTHING to do with me. If she wanted out, all she would have to do is TELL me without making it sound like she still loves me.
> 
> ...


sorry but you are kidding yourself. she doesn't love you.

most likely she is emotionally invested in someone else. other here have said it. 

drop her like a bad habit.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

> It's tough for me, as a person, to say you are no longer giving me what I want so now I am done with you. Love wouldn't do that.


 Try applying that to her actions.


Her entire stance is just excuses, and I don't buy the altruistic line Olivia is selling. So she has fibromyalgia and can't have sex, fine. She's obviously not incapacitated, what with all the driving and babysitting and helping mom and dog-wrangling. So does she give you blowjobs? Hand jobs? Put on lingerie and crawl around on all fours while you masturbate? Talk dirty, tie you up, f.uck you with a strap-on? The specifics aren't important here, the point is there are plenty of ways a truly loving person (AKA "the best thing that's ever happened to you") would try to meet your needs, and she is doing NONE of them. 

Instead, you get to listen to the "friend" speech and watch her hide behind weaselly semantics re: "love" while figuring out how to leave you without looking like the bad guy because you're nice and did nothing wrong. Your "big fight" provided that for her in everything but name, by the way--she MOVED OUT to live with her parents! She's ALREADY left you; she just won't call it what it is until you agree to auto-friendzone yourself and serve as her emotional tampon so she won't have to feel like a heartless b|tch for dumping her prize of a BF. 

You have terminal oneitis right now. Your best chance with her is to do exactly what you'll have to do anyway if there's zero chance: Stand up for yourself by cutting her off, busying yourself with self-improvement and dating other women. Seeing this, she'll either wake up and miss you, or not, and maybe by then you won't care so much once you see who else is out there waiting for you.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I wish I could tell you all (except for Olivia) that you were wrong. But I can't. She says she's happy at her dad's and isn't coming back. We've still been seeing eachother on weekends. She even invited me over to have dinner with her family on Easter. I've been hanging on but it hasn't resulted in the outcome that I wanted.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

Years and years ago, I was kind of in a similar situation. I found the "girl of my dreams" in college and someone I had my eye on for a while. She just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We were pretty much together all the time and I figured I would just wait for her since she was worth. Then another man came in the picture and then I became so blinded by the thought of her that I missed everything around me. Im not saying your girlfriend is doing this, but I wish at the time she would have just told me earlier to take a hike. It would have hurt at first, but been much better off. 

Then again, if that would have happened then I wouldn't have asked advice from her friend who I eventually fell in love wth and married


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She is friend zoning you. You are not hearing what she's been telling you.

You are not using your head only your heart. The heart will always betray you in these situations.

Her actions are speaking. She moved out and distanced herself. 

You keep clinging on like a lost puppy and are the only one that isn't seeing what everyone else is.

Why?????


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I see it what you all see. I cling to hope because I love her. My head and my heart are not on the same page just yet. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Just cut it off and that's that. There is no better way to handle a situation, to get over someone than to just move on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LostinMO said:


> I see it what you all see. I cling to hope because I love her. My head and my heart are not on the same page just yet. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.


Your feelings are normal. When a relationship ends one is bound to get hurt. 

Look at it if you were in her shoes. Would you want someone hanging around if you had no feelings left for them?

Just let her go. You don't want to be the clingy needy guys who just hangs.

Go dark and block her phone, FB, etc. it'll help you get past this faster.

Why linger on like this?????? Plus it makes you look pathetic.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Oh and please don't do the lets be friends. Ugh

Go dark and get a life


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## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I think you need to take some time and do some soul searching here. This is a situation that has bad written all over it. Some of us really like to cling to the past because of some significant events that have transpired, affecting us all through the present. I know this and have experienced it too. Some on this thread have posted on mine I just put up recently. While it comes off as rude and rash, it make sense! 

The best thing to do is to keep yourself busy now. DO NOT under any circumstances start dating again or you will drag yourself down deeper. Focus on your hobbies and what you are good at. You are going to need time to yourself for a LONG TIME to recover. You will know when the time is right to date again.

Good luck and take this piece of advice that wasn't given to me soon enough: The best thing to do IS NOT FOCUS ON WHAT ONCE WAS, BUT WHAT IS, AND WILL BE.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I got an e-mail (a response to mine). This is the jist of it:

"I'm sorry but we can't go back, I'm not the same person I was. I've changed too much. I love you but it's not the same kind of love as it was before. Idk exactly what made me change, I'm sure it was several things, like the miscarriage, the dogs, being in pain all the time and having a grandson. I don't want to hurt you and I want to remain close friends."

Hence my confusion and trying to hold on to what was.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Hard to end a relationship of 4 years. Too bad it's your only choice. Sorry man.


Dude. Accept it. Brush yourself off, lick your wounds and move on.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

I know. It's a little easier now that I got a definite answer from her.


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## Threats5 (Mar 31, 2016)

As people on the outside we can say what we want and give you advice that we deem easy for you to do. That's because we don't have the emotions behind it like you do.

It seems like you want her and you want the situation to change so you guys can go back to the way you were. Maybe even do some counseling. You also have to consider what she is going through outside of you and her as well. You honestly don't want to be with someone who's heart isn't in it like yours is but it's hard to come to that or have it even be a possibility. 

Sounds like a pro/con list is in order.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*Now that I accept that it's over, I'm not sure how to move on. I know I should take time to heal and do stuff/hobbies/whatever to take my mind off of her. 

She says she still loves me and wants to remain close. I read comments about going dark. Cutting her off. Is it possible for us to be friends? Obviously I still love her. Do I have to cut her off no matter what? We were friends before. Before we became lovers. I don't want to be mean to her and I want to be good to her. 

I have 4 pictures of us in my living room, 1 in the bedroom. She's my wall paper on my computer and phone. I know I need to take them down. I thought about leaving 1 up that was taken when we were just friends. What do I do with them? I don't want to throw them away. I have two pics that she gave my of her by herself before we met. Do I put them away or give them back to her? Probably stupid questions to all of you but I'm not sure what the SOP usually is in these situations.

And she still has almost all of her stuff here. Lots of furniture and crap that she'll have to move out. I'm giving her some time to get that taken care of.*


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, you cannot e trends and in regular contact now or in the near future. You can"t because staying in contact with her keeps your hopes up. This is not on her, it is on you. You are incapable of this type of relationship at this tme with her. On adultery threads we urge the BS to go NC. We do so in an attempt to get the BS to clear their head. 

Be well


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Put those pictures in boxes along with all of her things and ship them to her. No note. No phone call.

Just do it.

Go dark as night.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

*She's got way to much crap here for me to put in boxes and ship to her. Furniture, appliances, the key to my house.

I hear of people that break up and, after a while, get back together. Going dark, there is no chance. Maybe there is no chance anyway but I think I can handle doing this on friendly terms. I am no expert though.*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to grow up. 

Going dark helps you to move on like she has.

You are clinging to any breadcrumbs or the slightest hope of anything. Everyone goes through this at one time or another and while it seems like the end of the world I can assure you it isn't.

Your gf leaving isn't the problem it's you not being able to let go. 

Read your entire thread and pretend it's a friend needing your advice. What would you tell him???

If you're smart you'll get rid of everything about her (pics, mementos, etc) block phone, FB, etc and move n with your life. Like everyone here has told you.

The alternative is to put your life on hold waiting in limbo hell. I can assure you she won't be.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LostinMO said:


> *
> I hear of people that break up and, after a while, get back together. Going dark, there is no chance. Maybe there is no chance anyway but I think I can handle doing this on friendly terms. I am no expert though.*


Friends keeps you in limbo and prohibits you from moving on. Can you be friends with her when she starts dating going out with others????

All it does is hold you back and keeps you from moving on.

You need to work on being a better person. Not dependent on someone else. Be your own man. That's what women want.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Going dark isn't a punishment. If anything, it lets her see you won't just sit around and wait - which actually makes you look more attractive to her. Focus on yourself, reconnect with old friends, join a club, volunteer somewhere - fill your life with stuff.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

If you remain her friend what will you do or feel when she starts a relationship with someone else?

If you encounter her on the street or in a store exchange pleasantries but don't take a demotion and become her buddy.

Just sayin',

Seasalt


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, you are prepared to spend the rest of your life sexless if you manage to talk her into staying with you? I don't know, but that seems pretty drastic for a woman who has told you that she just wants to be 'friends'. And it seems downright desperate of you.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Don't be FRIENDS!

When you open Facebook, your gonna see some pic she posted where her & her new bf are busy tasting each other's tonsils and it will KILL you inside.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> So, you are prepared to spend the rest of your life sexless if you manage to talk her into staying with you? I don't know, but that seems pretty drastic for a woman who has told you that she just wants to be 'friends'. And it seems downright desperate of you.


Yep. 

Desperation = clinging to hope when hope is all gone.


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