# Sex during a 180?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

In talking to a friend, she asked this question, as I gave her the advice to do a 180. While I am also doing a 180, my H is not being a total d!ck so I would be open to any advances. (Actually, I'm pretty close to begging since it's been almost 2 weeks.  Stay strong stay strong, LOL! ) Anyhow, her H is going out partying and being a complete jerk. But she's not sure how to be if he comes home and wants to initiate something. She's afraid if she doesn't say yes, he's going to go out and find it elsewhere. And I honestly don't know how to reject a man in a nice way that doesn't hurt his ego or seem controlling. Both of us have never told our men no. And really, all the excuses in the book are so transparent.

So, what's the verdict? If you deny sex, how do you do so?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't have sex with men I am not committed to and who are not 100% committed to me.

Why would you continue to have sex with someone who will not commit to your marriage.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

why is he going out and partying to begin with? you may be trying to diagnose a symptom and not the real problem. as much as my wife and i have issues with intimacy (frequency) neither of us lacks respect with the other to shirk our marriage 'duties" in other areas. certainly neither of us goes out partying all the time.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

All we can deduce is that he's going through some life transition phase and is probably bipolar. He's a cop and and works nights, and his fellow coworkers are all single. He's going out and drinking, because he's a night owl. She is a teacher, and they have a 2 year old. She is always telling him he should be here for his family, etc. but he just gets mad. She's really tried everything, so I told her she has to do the exact opposite because what else can she try? She loves him, he's just being really selfish.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

A 180 is about establishing and enforcing boundaries.

If you choose to have sex with someone who is riding roughshod over your boundaries, or ignoring their responsibilities to the marriage, or in general putting themselves and their whims before you and the relationship - you are sending the absolute wrong message.

Your friend is being a doormat. By having sex with her husband if he decides it's a good idea at the time ... but otherwise ignores her, she is reinforcing her doormat status.

If her fear is that he will simply go elsewhere, if she doesn't capitulate, then she is in no uncertain terms, sending him the message that she is ok with what is going on. Therefore, he has no incentive to re-evaluate his behavior.

And if he's behaving badly, and chooses an affair on top of the bad behavior ... she doesn't have much of a marriage worth saving.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

You guys are absolutely right. She should refuse and not worry about hurting his feelings. I told her she needs to stop telling him she's waiting and she wants things to be okay. She needs to tell him that she doesn't condone his actions and stand up for herself. When he wants something, she needs to just make it clear that as soon as he's ready to work on the marriage, she'll be there, but until then, she doesn't approve and is drawing a line. 

In my case, my H is just messed up in the head. He isn't being disrespectful or hurtful. He's just checked out and disconnected. HE don't think he deserves sex, so he's not going to try. I'm 2 weeks out from any nookie, and I miss it. I guess I'll have to stay strong. Makes it so hard when I see him, and he's telling me how nice I look in my dress, and giving me a hug goodbye, and telling me he loves me.

I will definitely drag my friend over to TAM. She needs to see what other people are going through and read your post, Deejo. At least I have a partner in this whole mess, lol.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Deejo said:


> A 180 is about establishing and enforcing boundaries.
> 
> If you choose to have sex with someone who is riding roughshod over your boundaries, or ignoring their responsibilities to the marriage, or in general putting themselves and their whims before you and the relationship - you are sending the absolute wrong message.
> 
> ...


thats what i meant to say


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

And although I am loathe to admit it, there is a suitable substitute for that predicament in the form of silicone and a couple of AA batteries ...

Thank goodness jack-rabbits can't open jars or take out the trash.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> And although I am loathe to admit it, there is a suitable substitute for that predicament in the form of silicone and a couple of AA batteries ...
> 
> Thank goodness jack-rabbits can't open jars or take out the trash.


:rofl: Goodness, I love TAM. I need toys.


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