# Todays thoughts.....any advice....



## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I honestly never wanted the "old" relationship back. Both of us made our fair number of mistakes in that . I had hoped that I was important enough to him to create a new better more open and loving relationship, but he has put up this wall of selfishness that I can't seem to get around. I guess it is not my job to make him see what he is doing is wrong. He moves out in 13 days and I guess I am just in denial on the way it is going to be. We normally get along very well, until he starts to feel guilty and then gets angry at everything I say or do, that shows him I still love him and am willing to mend our marriage.

I know that him moving out will be hard but in the long run will be the best thing. at least for now. We both are committed to the best interest of our children although I think we have different ideas on what that is. Does anyone feel guilty that their children are going to miss out on normal childhood things like vacations with both of their parents etc?? We had planned a trip to Disney next summer for our 6 year old to see Mickey for the first time. I told him he is still invited to come, and share in that but he said he would feel "uncomfortable" this is a man who has no trouble being intimate with me but can't go see Disney with me and his children???

I don't get it! 
:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I honestly never wanted the "old" relationship back. Both of us made our fair number of mistakes in that . I had hoped that I was important enough to him to create a new better more open and loving relationship, but he has put up this wall of selfishness that I can't seem to get around. I guess it is not my job to make him see what he is doing is wrong. He moves out in 13 days and I guess I am just in denial on the way it is going to be. We normally get along very well, until he starts to feel guilty and then gets angry at everything I say or do, that shows him I still love him and am willing to mend our marriage.
> 
> I know that him moving out will be hard but in the long run will be the best thing. at least for now. We both are committed to the best interest of our children although I think we have different ideas on what that is. Does anyone feel guilty that their children are going to miss out on normal childhood things like vacations with both of their parents etc?? We had planned a trip to Disney next summer for our 6 year old to see Mickey for the first time. I told him he is still invited to come, and share in that but he said he would feel "uncomfortable" this is a man who has no trouble being intimate with me but can't go see Disney with me and his children???
> 
> ...


I don't know your story, just what you have written here, but when you do or say things that show him you still love him, you come across as needy and clingy, someone to avoid. That's why he comes across as angry. 

From your second paragraph, it sounds like you are still having sex, even though he is moving out. For Heaven's sake, stop! He's leaving. Stop scratching his itch.

Going to Disney with you would be beyond uncomfortable. It would also be very confusing for your children.

You need to stop moaning after him and start working on your self-esteem. Your behavior will only ensure that he will stay as far away from you as he can.

Have you read the 180?


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

From ur reply I get the feeling that u think I wrong? Lol. 

Hey I'm not the one who cheated but I am willing to forgive him. He has given me a lot of mixed signals over the past few months but bottom line is I love him. I guess tough love is the way to go!







Frostflower said:


> I don't know your story, just what you have written here, but when you do or say things that show him you still love him, you come across as needy and clingy, someone to avoid. That's why he comes across as angry.
> 
> From your second paragraph, it sounds like you are still having sex, even though he is moving out. For Heaven's sake, stop! He's leaving. Stop scratching his itch.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

My STBX is moving out at the end of the year too. I can't wait. I'm sure I'll get emotional about it, the divorce will feel more real (finally!), but I am SO ready to move on, which is hard to do when you see your ex every day in your house. I feel some pangs for the kids too, but the 10 year old has already figured she'll get two vacations in the deal and got over the sad part.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> From ur reply I get the feeling that u think I wrong? Lol.
> 
> Hey I'm not the one who cheated but I am willing to forgive him. He has given me a lot of mixed signals over the past few months but bottom line is I love him. I guess tough love is the way to go!
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As I said, I don't know your story, but my advice still stands. What you are doing is not working.

Why is he moving out? Have you been to MC?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I honestly never wanted the "old" relationship back. Both of us made our fair number of mistakes in that . I had hoped that I was important enough to him to create a new better more open and loving relationship, but he has put up this wall of selfishness that I can't seem to get around. I guess it is not my job to make him see what he is doing is wrong. He moves out in 13 days and I guess I am just in denial on the way it is going to be. We normally get along very well, until he starts to feel guilty and then gets angry at everything I say or do, that shows him I still love him and am willing to mend our marriage.
> 
> I know that him moving out will be hard but in the long run will be the best thing. at least for now. We both are committed to the best interest of our children although I think we have different ideas on what that is. *Does anyone feel guilty that their children are going to miss out on normal childhood things like vacations with both of their parents etc??* We had planned a trip to Disney next summer for our 6 year old to see Mickey for the first time. I told him he is still invited to come, and share in that *but he said he would feel "uncomfortable"* this is a man who has no trouble being intimate with me but can't go see Disney with me and his children???
> 
> ...


My children are grown and I feel guilty every day. I can never replace the missed opportunities.

I know going with the mother of my children after we split would have torn my heart to pieces.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

hi loving w and sorry about your situation . unfortunately your not alone here.

l have massive , massive and sickening regrets and pain for things like that with my daughter. l'm finding those feelings and all the sadness with it almost unbearable.

she moved out 8wks ago and my daughter to , 11. my daughters been coming home on w/es since , plus holidays and sometimes w/ds too.
l'm still in the house. it's so hard without her and now with the holidays coming , l know it's unhealthy but l've just been wishing and wishing we could have a family holiday for her.
we only really ever had one before but now my wife has left.
how f'g sad for my girl , l so regret not having more while we could.

l've got no idea how it'd work if he went on yours to , l've thought about the same thing. lt'd be very hard on you two l guess , not sure how that would come across for your child and the same with mine.

lt seems so wrong that she can't have her family anymore , so wrong. or a holiday with them.

l'm not coping well at all with christmas on it's way.
this wk i've been doing some deco's and a tree. had to text my wife tonight to try and just figure out how in the hell we are suppose to do christmas now . it's fg sickening.

sorry lw , not much help right now am l.

all the very best of luck in your situation.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hey Frostflower....

My situation in a nutshell is my husband and I have been married for 12 years together for 18 with 3 children. Like most we have had our ups and downs but I really thought we were happy. Had some money issues and other issues with our teenagers last year.....July 14th he told me that he wasnt sure he loved me anymore. We spent the next 2 months talking, crying, went to MC, then he stopped, when I found out he had been "talking" to someone since Feb. He said that he doesn't love her, and she is not the reason for his feelings changing. He moved out for 3 weeks, but then moved back in and I thought he really didn't want to end our marriage.

Long story short he told me he can't change his feelings and would like to divorce and move out although he thinks we could live together and be divorced. (to me that just means he wants to continue being intamate with me but not be my husband, so he has the right to do what he wants) He has cried to me many times over the last 2 months about how hard it will be to leave home and his children. I think I have made it clear to him that I could forgive him and we could start over if I knew he was comitted to our marriage. He moves out Jan 1 to a place I found for him, that is safe for our children to go to (you should have seen the places he was looking at before I stepped in) 

I wrote up a letter stating what I want and need from him financially and as far as the kids, I gave him a 2013 calendar of his weekends. I have never been pushy with him but I refuse to take on all the responsibilities while he runs around playing single guy with no kids!!!! I know that he is still talking to the OW, and in 12 more days he will be in his own place. Our 6 yrar old D has been there to help him "clean" she is sad "daddy won't live with us anymore" and she is worried about him. As am I. 

I realize now that I have given so much more to this relationship than he has and I have taken care of him for so long....I think eventually he will feel that when he is gone. People keep asking my what I will do "when" he comes back. These are friends of ours who really believe it is a MLC or something. I want to say I know the answer to that....I guess it all depends on how far in my journey to heal I have gotten thru. I do love him and thought we would be together forever but I don't know that I will ever be secure in a realationship with him again.

All I know is I don't want to be the type of Ex who keeps their children away from their EX. They deserve the mose happiness in life. I hope he realizes that too. PS I don't think I am needy or moany.....I have not asked him for anything except to really think about what he is doing and *not make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings.....* and I am trying to be strong.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I have one very simple question for you.

Simple to ask.

Hard to answer.

But be honest.

Do you love yourself?


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Yes I do.

And I know I deserve more. I think about what advice I would give my daughters if they were going thru this......


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Yes I do.
> 
> And I know I deserve more. I think about what advice I would give my daughters if they were going thru this......


Then do not fall for his crying.

It's manipulation.

Do not fall for his words.

It's manipulation.

Do what you feel you need to better YOU.

It's clear you are worried about your children.

As was I.

They adapt though.

Very resilient.

The MC did not work because he's emotionally (at the time, at least) involved with someone else.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks.....Im a work in progress....getting better everyday!

I am sure it will be hard when he first moves out but once the children are into a routine with visiting him etc, it should get easier. Right???


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Thanks.....Im a work in progress....getting better everyday!
> 
> I am sure it will be hard when he first moves out but once the children are into a routine with visiting him etc, it should get easier. Right???


Of course you're a work in progress.

There is no easy button.

No short cuts.

No fast forwarding.

Detaching is the first step.

Focusing on yourself, not him.

Self awareness.

Self control.

Self regulation.

It starts and ends.

With you.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Thanks for telling your story, LW. It sounds like you have done and are continuing to do everything you can to make things work. It does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Being on his own may make him realize exactly what he has done. 

Stay strong and continue to grow. Then, should he wants to come back, you will be in a better position to decide what you want.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks everyone.....I am already "practicing" detaching......haven't texted, emailed or talked to him (other than answering his basic questions) in 2 days......funny how he seems to be reaching out more to initiate conversation now....but I read his text and if it is not an emergancy about the house burning down or the kids being sick, I ignore it. getting easier each day....

One week from today I leave with the kids for HIS parents house for 4 days, when we get back he will have moved out.

*Every new Beginning comes from some other beginnings' end.......*


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Thanks everyone.....I am already "practicing" detaching......haven't texted, emailed or talked to him (other than answering his basic questions) in 2 days......funny how he seems to be reaching out more to initiate conversation now....but I read his text and if it is not an emergancy about the house burning down or the kids being sick, I ignore it. getting easier each day....[/COLOR].[/SIZE][/B]


I didn't see that either of you have filed for divorce - is that correct?

He continues to cheat on you - is that correct?

I think you should file for divorce before leaving and begin the 180.

(and don't discuss divorce or your separation w/ the in-laws. If they ask about it, politely tell them you'd rather not discuss it. They can ask their son)


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Thanks everyone.....I am already "practicing" detaching......haven't texted, emailed or talked to him (other than answering his basic questions) in 2 days......funny how he seems to be reaching out more to initiate conversation now....but I read his text and if it is not an emergancy about the house burning down or the kids being sick, I ignore it. getting easier each day....
> 
> One week from today I leave with the kids for HIS parents house for 4 days, when we get back he will have moved out.
> 
> *Every new Beginning comes from some other beginnings' end.......*


Good for you, LW. Stay strong.


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