# parent wants joint saving with me and spouse



## New2marriage (Mar 21, 2012)

I am newly married about 5 months now. My husband and I live with my mother, younger sister, and older brother. My mother has been a huge support to me since I graduated college (5 years ago) and had trouble find secure work. I met my husband 2 years ago out of the country and my mother supported me in getting him here. I found a stable job for 9 months now and we are all getting along great. But this year I was able to claim my husband on my taxes because he is not working. My return/refund was pretty good about $2,600. Also because of my marital status I was able to get a huge break on my students loans which were $440 a month. The issue is that we there are a lot of things we planned to do this year. We planned to have a more traditional wedding, for my husband to take esl courses, for him to get career training, and I also wanted to return to school. My mother suggested that I open a joint savings account with her name, mine and my husbands on it so she can help monitor it and so we could all work towards these goals. She also suggested I put some that money away ($1,000) in a private account with her so my husband doesn't know about it in case things go wrong/bad. I am not to comfortable doing this and have held off on making a decision. I don't want to betray my husband as we are just starting out in our marriage. I want my financial freedom and independence. At the same time I know my mother has my best interest at heart. What is the best way to handle this?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I wouldn`t have an account with three people as signatories.

Waaay to much room for problems.

The single account in your name only is not a bad idea.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

New2marriage said:


> .... My mother suggested that I open a joint savings account with her name, mine and my husbands on it so she can help monitor it and so we could all work towards these goals. She also suggested I put some that money away ($1,000) in a private account with her so my husband doesn't know about it in case things go wrong/bad.


If your mother wants to monitor your savings,and you don't mind, show her the statement once a month. Do not hide money from your husband!

Now is the time to strengthen your ties with your husband and start to figure out how the two of you are going to handle your finances together. Remember your vows, for richer or poorer, were with your husband not your mother. 

Good luck!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

ChelseaBlue said:


> Do not hide money from your husband!


This. And I wouldn't get a joint account with three people on it. It should be with your H, not your mother too.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

New2marriage said:


> ...My mother suggested that I open a joint savings account with her name, mine and my husbands on it so she can help monitor it and so we could all work towards these goals. ..


The best way to handle it is say "No Effing Way."

You are all adults now. You - as a couple - dont need mommys fingers in your bank accounts. That is WAY over the line.

Take her advice if you like with respect to savings tactics, but come to agreement and act on your own, and as a couple.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tell mom no.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you not think you are able to handle your own money? Why are you even considering your mothers request to have her name on the account? BAD idea.

As for the money that your husband doesn't know about - that isn't a _bad_ idea, but it isn't something I would do unless I had reason to. Think very carefully about that one. If you have reason to think your husband and you might run into problems, then consider a 'secret' account. But know that if he finds out about it, it will cause problems where none were before.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Getting advice on things going wrong/bad at such an early point in marriage isn't healthy to listen to. Do you have any reason to hide money from your husband? Why not make joint accoutns with ONLY your husband and keep an individual for yourself?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you're mature enough to get married, you're mature enough to cut the apron strings to your mom, and start building ties to your husband.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

wow! I'm a therapist at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. I have never heard of a mother wanting to be a joint owner of her adult, married daughter's savings account. There is no good that can come from this. Think about it. There is no possible way that he would be fine with your mother being involved on the account. This is such a sign of mistrust and a meddling mother-in-law that he shouldn't be okay with this. If he was okay with this, then you should be questioning what kind of man you married.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Very nice of your mom to agree to take in your husband. I would hold off on spending money on a wedding until able to afford to move out of mom's and start a new life on your own with your husband. Your mom might be trying to ensure you stay on track with becoming independent from her.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Absolutley NOT! I can't believe your MOM even suggested this, all behind your husband's back????? I would question your Mom's motive and her true intentions. Further more, question what her true feelings towards your husband.

If your husband finds about this, he will feel betrayed by your Mom and it will cause friction in your marriage.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No that's all a bad idea, for you and for your marriage. I don't know why your mom would want that other than she's jealous of your husband and is trying to find a way to come between you and keep in control.
I wouldn't do it. Just politely say no.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You and your husband are living with your mother. How much rent, utilities and food do you pay for monthly?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You and your husband are living with your mother. How much rent, utilities and food do you pay for monthly?


Good point, but regardless should she really be part of the marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keko said:


> Good point, but regardless should she really be part of the marriage?


No, her mother should not be on her bank accounts since the OP is married.

But I have a feeling that the mom has several valid concerns here with the OP who has been majorly dependent on her mom. And now with a husband who has no good job skills... who mom had to shell out money to bring to her home country.

Maybe mom is concerned that she keeps having to hand out support for her daughter and now the husband... so she thinks she should have some say in the way her daughter and husband spend their money.

I had a similar situation with my step son. He and his wife moved in last spring to save money as they were having financial troubles. I found out that they had plenty of income but were spending it on things like fancy finger nails, partying, etc. So I told them that the only way they could continue to stay at my house was if they allowed me to help them set a budget and then I could keep an eye on it. They said no. I showed them the door.

They were taking advantage of me. I was willing to help but only if they were using my help in the way it was intended... to help them save and get on their feet ... not so that they have more money to party.


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## New2marriage (Mar 21, 2012)

Hello all
Just wanted to update. Thank you all for the replies. After reading through your suggestions I decided to hold off opening an account until my husband had an income. My husband is working now and for those who asked we do contribute for rent, bills, groceries, house maintenance. We recently opened a joint savings account (without my mom). It just seemed more appropriate. We are starting out lives together an don't need another person on the account. Thank you all again


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## althea0212 (Apr 6, 2013)

New2marriage said:


> I met my husband 2 years ago out of the country and my mother supported me in getting him here.
> 
> My mother suggested that I open a joint savings account with her name, mine and my husbands on it so she can help monitor it and so we could all work towards these goals. She also suggested I put some that money away ($1,000) in a private account with her so my husband doesn't know about it in case things go wrong/bad.


Since your mother helped you in getting your husband here, she may have felt that she is also responsible in your marriage. She must have felt unsure if your husband can be trusted to stick it out with you or if he can be trusted with money since he is a foreigner. She may even feel that he may squander your money. 

Assure your mother that you can handle your own money. For security purposes, you may open your own bank account if you want to keep something for yourself. This is something you can show your mother if you are comfortable with it. You may also have a joint account (with 2 signatories) with your husband so you both can manage your finances. Your mother may have the best interest for you but there are boundaries that she also need to respect.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks for the update. You have done the right thing. Good for you.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I would not allow my mother to have a joint account with me so she can monitor me. I also wouldn't allow her to tell me to put money aside behind my husband's back.

It's YOUR marriage, YOUR husband, YOUR money - not your Mom's.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I am normally 100% in agreement with everyone in this thread that mom should not be a part of the savings account. But do you know what? I don't blame the mother for suggesting it at all. Let's face it. The OP basically:
> 
> 
> Go to college? Mom paid for it
> ...



I had a similar line of thought. I don't think mom should be judged too harshly. She has been a large financial contributor to these two people's financial lives. I don't think it was out of bounds for her to suggest this...it sounds like she's trying to teach her daughter and son-in-law how to handle their money. Perhaps so she won't be so responsible for these two grown, married adults?

I don't think OP should put mom on the account. But I think you should consider why she suggested it. It may not be about control or other nefarious intentions. She may be very frustrated and trying to figure out a way to help y'all eventually stand on your own feet...and need less from her.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

There is some merit to maintaining a joint account with the Mother from a planning perspective. Ownership of the property (money) would immediately vest in the surviving account holders upon any one of the three’s death. This would provide for immediate liquidity to manage financial matters in such a situation – particularly germane here as the two “children” are to a degree intertwined, if not somewhat financially dependent upon the Mother. That said:


Such an account should only be opened as an account that is collateral to the Husband and Wife’s main marital account, and

For either spouse to open a secret account, this would necessarily constitute an act of subterfuge and deceit. Such behavior would not be a good foundation to a lasting marital relationship and open dialogue.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

There is nothing wrong with giving read-only online access to the mother if both H and W agree for the savings account only. This is easily done at the bank level. Lemme ask, is your Mom a financial genius? Made a lot of money investing? An Accountant? How does she plan to help that account help you reach your goals? Just knowing it is there? You could name her a beneficiary if you choose and think that she may need the funds upon you and your spouses death to handle expenses. It sounds like your Mom wants your M to succeed, that's great, but being an account owner is too much help.

On the other hand, she wants you to shelter money from your H. That mere suggestion, to me, sounds like your Mom has somewhat a distrust in your M (or M in general) on some level. I'd politely ask her that if she thinks things may not work out, to open her own account valued at $1000 that you will use (and pay her back) should things go poorly. You will then satisfy her wanting to manage money that is yours AND her wanting you to have something just in case.


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