# Is this fixable...at my wits end!



## can'tgetitright (Apr 20, 2011)

Ok...gonna try to make this as short as possible

My H and I have had money problems since we met and now it is driving me insane and causing me to think I need out.

We met in 2007, had our first child in 2008 and got married 6 months after she was born. The whole time he was in and out of 10-15 jobs. I should have been worried but I stuck by him. I went through 2 jobs, and after having my daughter found my perfect job, but my poor income and his job hopping caught up with us and we moved in with his parents at the end of 2008.

2009 both of us had kept our jobs and I was pregnant with our second...he gets demoted and a pay cut for something not his fault and I get laid off at 7 months pregnant...we are still living with his parents :-( I collect unemployment and a month before our son is born he starts a new job paying $.50 and hour more ($8.75 an hour for a soon to be family of 4?) They promised him he'd be making more quickly.

2010 I started my own business while on unemployment doing what I love to do...the business is still getting built up, so I do not have a very good income, but I still have some. I want to be able to take care of my kids...they occasionally go with me for work, because its my business. It is also not cost effiecient to find childcare for 2 kids under 4 (200 a week minimum)

Present- He is still at said job making $8.90 and hour now to support our family..we are still living with his parents. I am going crazy. I make around $10,000 a year right now- building up a client base slowly but surely. He is irritated with his job and wants a new one. I found him one starting at $9.25 and guaranteed $11.75 within 6 months...he went for 2 days and went back to the crap job. 

Fast food shift manager= irratic hours, bad benefits, crap pay

I have put in close to 100 applications for myself in the past month to try and get a job to help (i have a BA but have a hard time finding work due to a misdemeanor-bad desicion in my past) I am at my wits end.....

We pay his mother $300 a month for rent and can't make ends meet. 

He will not put in applications on his own...i got him his last 2 jobs. He says I spend all the money (i spend money on the kids not myself) but he somehow finds a way to pay for his online game, cell phone, buy video games for his ps3, and cigarettes everyday. 

I do not know how to fix this or what is in my families best interest anymore. 

We always fight about money or me working from home cause he says that's all i do when the kids are asleep...i can't do it when they're awake.

Do I stay? How do I change this? I can't take living with his parents anymore but moving out on our own with him making $8.90 an hour isn't happening either. I am at a loss and any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately, I don't see him changing. You didn't give his age, but I see he is immature. Since he is unmotivated and places a priority on cigarettes and video games, I honestly don't know how your situation is fixable.


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## can'tgetitright (Apr 20, 2011)

Thanks for your reply! He is 26 and i am 28. I am having issues because this kind of stress makes me look at him different and question the marriage. I don't feel like leaving would be fair to my children cause they are happy but we can't live on our own which isn't healthy for any of us either. 

He is very immature but insists that he loves me he just doesn't do what is necessary, in my opinion to make the marriage work. He is more concerned with sex, video games, and smoking than trying to find a job that can support us. I know its not all his job, but I am trying as best I can to build my business and find a job too while I take care of our children. 

Am I in the wrong? Is leaving the best option? Is there any way to get him to see how bad this really is? I talk to him about it over and over and he just sorta lets it roll off.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Have you discussed the problem with his mother? I'm thinking your husband is a "Peter Pan". That's a branch of narcissism in men who basically remain stuck at age 19 forever. He has enough age on him to see his behavior is not normal for a 26 year old man. There's a book titled _The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up _ by Dan Kiley. If that's what is going on, the book will give you some insight.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is how I look at it. You chose to have children. How would leaving him financially benefit your children? It would not. Money would be taken out of the meager income you have to maintain another household and that money would come at the expense of the children. It looks like you want to leave because he is not doing a good job of providing financially, but it seems that you are doing it to teach him that you are serious and try to get him to be more responsible. 

Now, I think that it would be better to show him that you are willing to provide certain things into the marriage such as sex, x household work, y parental work, z income but you expect him to provide A financially, B parentally etc.. In other words straightly tell him that you will do things that benefit him but expect him to live up to his side by doing things for you. You raise up the confrontation over a few months until he is either on board with the marriage and your needs, or he very clearly understands that he himself is responsible for the pain an losses that will be inflicted by his refusal to participate.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Dont get pregnant
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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