# Learning to trust again



## ThisGuy77 (Oct 22, 2021)

Hi, new member here.
38M divorced from 35F.
Were married for 13 years.
We have 4 children.
Ex wife had aemotional affair, with one of our really good friends, that turned physical.
She said they didn’t have sex, just kissed and touched.
We went to years of therapy to try and work through things. 
She felt that she never “chose” me and decided she didn’t want to try to make things work.
Now that I’ve decided to start dating again I am terrified of having a similar experience. I want to be chosen and to trust but I’m having a very hard time not being fearful.
Any suggestions?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Hi @ThisGuy77 sorry about your story!
Youtube: Richard Cooper
Youtube: Rich Cooper Clips
Youtube: Rational Male Clips

Listen to the youtube videos and learn some game!
And get their books:

The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide to Winning with Women & Life
The Rational Male (It's three volumes)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I didn't date again for 4 years after my marriage ended. I then actually wrote down a long list of what I wanted in a future husband. 

I think you need to understand firstly that she was one person and that if you take care about who you date, be fussy about your criteria about the sort of person you would like to meet and never settle for second best you are less likely to get hurt again. Never ever ignore red flags and don't date a women who has ever cheated before. 
Dating and trusting again is always a risk but the alternative is being alone.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Suggestions.

Put into practice the following and you should have little to fear.

*Learn to first enjoy being on single and doing things on your own. Happiness is found within yourself, not within a partner. If you are happy on your own then you will be ready to begin your search to find someone to share happiness with. *

If you meet a woman that depends on you to make her happy, part ways because nothing you will do will keep her happy. I believe you have already experienced this lesson.

Trust your gut / instincts. Unlike a cheating spouse your gut will not lie to you.

Expect that you may just share a pleasant conversation with most of the women you meet. If a woman has a sincere interest in you she will not give you mixed messages and will not waste your time. She will make time for you.

Walk away at the first sign of boredom, disrespect or betrayal. Do not entertain excuses or offer a second chance. Offer no explanation for your departure.

Don't prioritize another's interests over your own, especially to gain a woman's favor.

Give as good as you get. No more, no less.

Do not chase a woman if she pulls away. Let her go and find someone else.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ThisGuy77 said:


> Hi, new member here.
> 38M divorced from 35F.
> Were married for 13 years.
> We have 4 children.
> ...


How long have you been divorced?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Hi @ThisGuy77 sorry about your story!
> Youtube: Richard Cooper
> Youtube: Rich Cooper Clips
> Youtube: Rational Male Clips
> ...


I'll cosign this and I'd also add Donovan Sharpe. You're going to hear these guys, especially Rich, talk about getting your own life together and not focusing on women. You're only 38, you have plenty of time to recover. A lot of the fear you feel now will go away as your options increase. 

Hit the gym
Eat clen
Tren hard
Get juicy AF
Drop panties everywhere you go.


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## ThisGuy77 (Oct 22, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> How long have you been divorced?


Coming up on 2 years


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ThisGuy77 said:


> Coming up on 2 years


At what point in your 13-year marriage was the affair uncovered?

And how long had it been going on at that point? Did it end on discovery?

Is she with him now?


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## ThisGuy77 (Oct 22, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> At what point in your 13-year marriage was the affair uncovered?
> 
> And how long had it been going on at that point? Did it end on discovery?
> 
> Is she with him now?


At 10 years.
It had been going on for a few months.
No I tried and tried to make it work but at the end of it all she didn’t even want to try.

no they’re not together. 
his divorce just finalized so I wouldn’t doubt if they do get together.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When you meet the right person, trust won’t be an issue. Take your time.
The right woman won’t cause feelings of mistrust to well up. That gut mistrust should be listened to and if you feel it, get the helm out of the relationship.
A trustworthy person will never have to say “trust me”.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's the thing TG. What defines trust anyway? My way of thinking is its your expectation of what you think someone's behavior is going to be. ( hence, I can trust someone to be either a saint or a sinner ) Its going to be based on your judgement of their character and their character is a result of their thinking. Trust is always a lagging indicator of what you believe their future actions will and can turn on a dime. No matter how much you hone your judgement of their character, ain't gonna be no guarantees. There is always substantial risk of someone letting you down. You can control these risk but you cannot eliminate them. Relationship are like any investment. Based on the company (the woman) they can increase in value to you or they can go south. And like most investments, they go down much quicker than they go up.
My advise, as a start, don't get serious with high risk chicks. If they don't think you hung the moon and willing to shut other guys, including male "friends" (with the exception of maybe certified gays), eliminate, write off immediately and ghost them ASAP.


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