# Married man mentoring me and things getting tricky



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Hi, a man 20 years my senior (married mid 50s) is acting as a mentor to me at work and has been extremely supportive in helping me tackle some work issues that have happened in the last year or so. It started off really innocently, I found his advice sound and he was a trustworthy ear to bounce ideas around with and come up with solutions. Fast forward and I cannot stop thinking about him… we meet up as and when we can at work , but it is tricky around other commitments and we usually try to find somewhere private to talk. His demeanour is generally upbeat , has been fairly flirty in the past…nothing has ever happened but I have experienced times around other people where our eye contact has been intense and I just get the feeling he knows I fancy him. We were meant to me this morning and he suddenly couldn’t , he said can we talk over the phone as things were really busy his end I said don’t worry and that I wanted to see him. He said phone if he can help , I said he isn’t understanding what I’m saying - he replied no I’m not, please explain. I really wanted to say something back (like I wanted to see him because I miss him etc) but bottled it and just said easier to meet face to face etc. I’ve suggested if he is busy that we stop and I find other people to mentor me , he just said happy to continue… I’m confused and I don’t know what is going on. There is absolutely no way he hasn’t guessed that I’m crushing on him, so what is he playing at ? I have tried to give him chance to say maybe we should stop now as he is busy etc but he didn’t take that opportunity. I last replied just saying you decide time / place to meet and I will try to fit in around his commitments but that we need regular time…. Can anybody help , does it sound like he knows that I’m thinking of him as more than a mentor and if so why is he going along with it ? Thanks for reading.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You should not be crushing on a married man. You should not be hoping for more. You said “ he must know I like him but acts clueless”. Have respect and leave him alone


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

OK, listen. I'm an old woman and I've been in the professional world for 30 years. I know what I'm talking about here. First off, this is not real. It's a crush. He could be a movie star for how real your feelings actually are. Why is he going along with it? He's a man and there is no downside for him to some strange at work. He does not have feelings for you. You're meat to him. Sorry to be so harsh but this is serious.

Second, and this is really important, STOP IT. You are about to blow up your career. I'm telling you, it will not matter how smart you are, how responsible you are, how skilled you are. It is different for women, that is simply the reality, and if you so much as HINT at this your professional credibility will be shot permanently. No matter what he does (because it will not matter, you will be the only one who suffers professional consequences) you will forever be labeled as an unprofessional, irresponsible, sex-crazed lunatic. You'll be professional kryptonite and NO ONE will hire you. Trust me on this. We're talking about the way you pay your bills, this is not a game. This is actual adult stuff we're talking about and it will ruin your chances for professional advancement. This stuff never stays a secret. Ever. 

Discipline. Train yourself when you start mooning over him to STOP. Pick something else you can think about and change your thoughts deliberately until it goes away (because it will, it's a crush and those never last). I advise you, if it's possible, find a new mentor until you get yourself under control. Don't beat yourself up, these things happen, it's natural. So are burps, and there are times when it's not appropriate to belch really loudly. Stop it. Not a game.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The best you can do in life us to chase after another lady’s husband who is 20 years older?
How many cats do you have?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> You should not be crushing on a married man. You should not be hoping for more. You said “ he must know I like him but acts clueless”. Have respect and leave him alone


Hi, thanks for your reply. When you say this isn’t real - he is very much engaging in whatever it is ‘this’ actually is so I’m finding it hard as to why he doesn’t just stop the contact


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> The best you can do in life us to chase after another lady’s husband who is 20 years older?
> How many cats do you have?


No, I just really am attracted to him


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Hi, thanks for your reply. When you say this isn’t real - he is very much engaging in whatever it is ‘this’ actually is so I’m finding it hard as to why he doesn’t just stop the contact


I'm finding it hard as to why YOU aren't stopping the contact, since he's married and unavailable to you, and you know it's wrong. You are not a child. You are responsible for YOUR actions.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No, I just really am attracted to him


That makes it ok to try to sleep with another woman’s husband?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm finding it hard as to why YOU aren't stopping the contact, since he's married and unavailable to you, and you know it's wrong. You are not a child. You are responsible for YOUR actions.


Because I am attracted to him, I want something to happen and I’m waiting for him to tell me no


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because I am attracted to him, I want something to happen and I’m waiting for him to tell me no





Evinrude58 said:


> That makes it ok to try to sleep with another woman’s husband?


of course it doesn’t . I have tried to keep away


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not stopping because he doesn’t want to. As to you — you’re about to do something stupid. Don’t.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because I am attracted to him, I want something to happen and I’m waiting for him to tell me no


Then why are you on a MARRIAGE site posting about this, and WHAT are you asking the married people here?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> He’s not stopping because he doesn’t want to. As to you — you’re about to do something stupid. Don’t.


He is the married one, I am single . He shouldn’t be encouraging/ allowing this to continue


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

You want to be the other woman? A side piece? Don’t you value yourself more than that? With all of the available men in this world you can’t find somebody else to have a “crush” on? You sound like you’re 15 years old. Pull your head out of your rear end and put a stop to the whole thing, the mentoring and the whole relationship. Find somebody else, maybe a strong, independent woman with a wealth of confidence and self respect to be your new mentor.

This isn’t a good look for you, seriously. This guy may want something from you (noncommittal sex and a little risky fun) or he may just enjoy toying with you and leading you on. I’ve worked with both types of men. Either way, you should remove yourself from the situation to maintain your dignity. I’m a man and although I never engaged or lead a woman at work on like this man is doing, a much younger female employee developed a crush on me and she acted so foolish that everyone in the office was aware of how she felt. It was embarrassing for me and I was glad when she no longer worked there. She was a laughing stalk, and for that I did feel bad, but this woman began making lunches for me and contacting my wife and it was all very bizarre and she was let go because of it.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Thanks for your reply . Are you saying I am behaving In the same way you experienced? He has just text ti say he will look at diary and let me know when he can meet. Does it sound as if he is leading me on knowingly? I have suggested if he is busy that we quit the mentoring thing but he says happy to continue . I’m not proud of myself for feeling this way


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Based on my own previous experience, I’m wondering if you are just reading into a lot of what he is saying and doing and you think that he is interested or had feelings beyond a normal co-worker relationship. It’s like a teenager girl who thinks a guy wants to be her boyfriend because he kind of sort of looked her way in the hall on his way to biology once.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

High and dry said:


> You want to be the other woman? A side piece? Don’t you value yourself more than that? With all of the available men in this world you can’t find somebody else to have a “crush” on? You sound like you’re 15 years old. Pull your head out of your rear end and put a stop to the whole thing, the mentoring and the whole relationship. Find somebody else, maybe a strong, independent woman with a wealth of confidence and self respect to be your new mentor.
> 
> This isn’t a good look for you, seriously. This guy may want something from you (noncommittal sex and a little risky fun) or he may just enjoy toying with you and leading you on. I’ve worked with both types of men. Either way, you should remove yourself from the situation to maintain your dignity. I’m a man and although I never engaged or lead a woman at work on like this man is doing, a much younger female employee developed a crush on me and she acted so foolish that everyone in the office was aware of how she felt. It was embarrassing for me and I was glad when she no longer worked there. She was a laughing stalk, and for that I did feel bad, but this woman began making lunches for me and contacting my wife and it was all very bizarre and she was let go because of it.


Would you have ever behaved how I am describing this man is ? I just don’t see how he thinks this is innocent


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

High and dry said:


> Based on my own previous experience, I’m wondering if you are just reading into a lot of what he is saying and doing and you think that he is interested or had feelings beyond a normal co-worker relationship. It’s like a teenager girl who thinks a guy wants to be her boyfriend because he kind of sort of looked her way in the hall on his way to biology once.


Maybe. But then is he meeting any other of our co workers for secret 1-1 meetings …


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Would you have ever behaved how I am describing this man is ? I just don’t see how he thinks this is innocent


He may realize exactly how you feel and there’s a good chance that he enjoys knowing you feel that way. Highly doubtful he has any sort of true feelings for you or wants any sort of relationship with you. He may be interested in eventual noncommittal sex or not even going that far but finding some sort of pleasure and amusement with leading you on. I would never do either but I know and work with men that do all of those things.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what he does. I thing is preventing you from just walking away from the situation entirely. Remove yourself. You are a grown adult.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He is the married one, I am single . He shouldn’t be encouraging/ allowing this to continue


Are you really that naive?


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

I’ve seen plenty of cheating in the workplace, one night stands and full blown affairs, but I’ve never seen a guy leave his wife to pursue an actual relationship with his side piece he met at work. It happens, but rarely.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Would you have ever behaved how I am describing this man is ? I just don’t see how he thinks this is innocent


He doesn’t think it’s innocent. It costs him nothing to use you and then have you fired when he’s done.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You’re sick. He’s. Married. That is a hard no. He’s legally not available, yore acting like a ****


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You are a heartless homewrecker. You have no soul, if you did you’d cut this **** out.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Just NO! Don’t step into someone’s marriage.

Ask to change mentors. Stop asking him. He may say yes because he’s obligated to a certain amount of hours to volunteer.

You have no idea what his motivation is. 

But sleeping with someone’s husband is just evil actions on your part.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

snowbum said:


> You are a heartless homewrecker. You have no soul, if you did you’d cut this **** out.


It’s kinda odd that a woman would come to a marriage forum to get permission to sleep with a married man.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> He’s not stopping because he doesn’t want to. As to you — you’re about to do something stupid. Don’t.





Openminded said:


> Are you really that naive?


if he is a happily married man in his mid 50s and he was mentoring a much younger woman at work (when he really doesn’t need to, we aren’t even in same department and have absolutely no need to interact ) if his intentions were innocent and to purely help at work I believe he would make his position very clear and wouldn’t allow the flirtation and ambiguity to your persist. I believe he is an emotionally intelligent man and find it hard to believe he doesn’t know what’s going on here. He even tried to make me say something today by saying he didnt understand and please explain. I am glad I didn’t say something stupid here as it may have crossed a line


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Are you really that naive?


Please explain - I obviously am yes


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Do you feel that by engaging in an affair you shoulder no blame? Why cannot you not do the decent thing and walk away? You are truly that selfish and entitled? You care only about yourself? You’re an adult. Act like one


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Do you feel that by engaging in an affair you shoulder no blame? Why cannot you not do the decent thing and walk away? You are truly that selfish and entitled? You care only about yourself? You’re an adult. Act like one


This is not an affair yet - I’m simply trying to work out what this is and what he is doing


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He doesn’t think it’s innocent. It costs him nothing to use you and then have you fired when he’s done.


By ‘use me’ I’m not sure what you mean. The whole idea is that he is a mentor and a person to help guide me at work .


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He doesn’t think it’s innocent. It costs him nothing to use you and then have you fired when he’s done.


The question remains , why . Would he do that if he was happy in his marriage and getting all he needs ?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Today we have messaged eachother 12 times throughout the day. That seems quite a bit if I’m just thinking things in to it


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What does it matter? Let’s say his life isn’t perfect? Let’s say he’s bored? He should be the 60 year old he is and leave. You seem to think because you want something you can have it. If you hook up with him he will use you. Meaning you’ll have sec until the younger, prettier, better @ you” comes along. Immoral people do that. And yes if you willingly help wreck a marriage your immoral


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You’re hell bent to cheat. Gross


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> The question remains , why . Would he do that if he was happy in his marriage and getting all he needs ?


That is none of your business. Every cheater in the world says his wife “doesn’t understand him.” He’s using you and will destroy your career. But hey, all I have is decades of experience watching men do this, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. 🙄


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> This is not an affair yet - I’m simply trying to work out what this is and what he is doing


How about working out what YOU are doing? And then stop all contact with him.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> The question remains , why . Would he do that if he was happy in his marriage and getting all he needs ?


Well, his marriage is his business. It does not matter why. There is nothing stopping YOU from doing the right thing, whether or not he does. And likely, if you do not stop it, you are going to get trampled over in his haste to cut you off completely.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That is none of your business. Every cheater in the world says his wife “doesn’t understand him.” He’s using you and will destroy your career. But hey, all I have is decades of experience watching men do this, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. 🙄


No I don’t know… part of me has been wanting to continue to believe that he is just a genuinely good person who wants to help me progress and develop at work. It isn’t his fault I fancy him. Maybe he has no bad motives whatsoever and I’m mis - reading the whole thing


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That is none of your business. Every cheater in the world says his wife “doesn’t understand him.” He’s using you and will destroy your career. But hey, all I have is decades of experience watching men do this, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. 🙄


We have never discussed his wife. We went to a work do a few months back and he just kept his distance from me all evening.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

This may be one of the single dumbest things I've read here.

Two things are possible here. And, I say only two because if he wanted to cheat with you, he'd have done it by now.

1. He can be kind of oblivious and was missing a lot of signals because he's an overly nice guy. Someone in the office said the optics of it are bad, so he's actively pulling back to not have 1 on 1 time with you.
2. He's been acutely aware of what's been going on, and he's either had enough of it or someone else told him to watch his back.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> We have never discussed his wife. We went to a work do a few months back and he just kept his distance from me all evening.


Smart. You’re looking for trouble.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> This may be one of the single dumbest things I've read here.
> 
> Two things are possible here. And, I say only two because if he wanted to cheat with you, he'd have done it by now.
> 
> ...


I’m not sure which part you mean - he has messaged today to say he wants to continue to meet up and he will let me know when… so nothing is stopping from his point of view


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s assigned to mentor you. Question: do you feel it’s perfectly ok to try to hook up with this guy? Don’t deflect. Are you proud of trying to seduce a married guy?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Smart. You’re looking for trouble.


No I’m really not. Normally we would chat and obviously have been seeing lots of eachother , he was there with his wife and he was acting like I was invisible - it was really uncomfortable as we talk normally


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He’s assigned to mentor you. Question: do you feel it’s perfectly ok to try to hook up with this guy? Don’t deflect. Are you proud of trying to seduce a married guy?


He has assigned himself - this is not a formal mentoring arrangement. He suggested it and has said he wants to. No , I’m not proud


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No I’m really not. Normally we would chat and obviously have been seeing lots of eachother , he was there with his wife and he was acting like I was invisible - it was really uncomfortable as we talk normally


Because you’re trying to start an affair with him and he doesn’t want his wife to know because he has no intention of ruining his life for you.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because you’re trying to start an affair with him and he doesn’t want his wife to know because he has no intention of ruining his life for you.


Perhaps he could say something like ‘let’s keep things professional , or he is too busy to continue mentoring etc etc . Lots of excuses he could use to stop this .


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because you’re trying to start an affair with him and he doesn’t want his wife to know because he has no intention of ruining his life for you.


Correct.

He's probably even told her - "there's my work stage 5 clinger I'm mentoring."


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> Correct.
> 
> He's probably even told her - "there's my work stage 5 clinger I'm mentoring."


Has he also shown her the endless messages back and forth ? I think not


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> Correct.
> 
> He's probably even told her - "there's my work stage 5 clinger I'm mentoring."


I said to him today that I should find someone else to mentor and he said he is happy to continue and will let me know time to meet next . That doesn’t sound like he is trying to get rid of me


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Has he also shown her the endless messages back and forth ? I think not


SO??? What is your point?

I will ask you again, since you conveniently ignored my previous questions...why are you posting about wanting to cheat with a married man on a marriage site?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> SO??? What is your point?
> 
> I will ask you again, since you conveniently ignored my previous questions...why are you posting about wanting to cheat with a married man on a marriage site?


I thought this was just a general relationship discussion for anything at all


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I said to him today that I should find someone else to mentor and he said he is happy to continue and will let me know time to meet next . That doesn’t sound like he is trying to get rid of me


Well, since you have all the answers about him, what are you asking the members here?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, since you have all the answers about him, what are you asking the members here?


For a different viewpoint as I’m feeling really confused . I am not trying to annoy anyone


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> For a different viewpoint as I’m feeling really confused . I am not trying to annoy anyone


You want a different viewpoint about going after a married man from a bunch of married people?? Uh-huh...

You don't sound confused, you are arguing with every "different viewpoint" you are getting.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

This is a Pro marriage anti cheating site. People aren’t supportive of what your saying, Go to an agility forum, search how to get with married coworker.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> For a different viewpoint as I’m feeling really confused . I am not trying to annoy anyone


Fine, here's a viewpoint. Grow the F up, show a shred of maturity and find a different mentor you can behave like an adult around on your own.

This entire thing is like the beginning of a terrible romance novel.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Here's the thing Catsclaw -- what EXACTLY do you think would come of this?
YES you may be crushing on him, but he is 20 years your senior, and is married with a family.
What would YOU get out of this assuming he would leave his family for you? You'd get a cheater who is significantly older than you. In 25 years, do you want to be his home health aide?
Think about your own self-respect. Could YOU be ok with yourself that you caused him to cheat and/or a marriage breaking up? Could you live with that for the rest of your life -- that you were that type of immoral person?

You wonder about him -- because he's ok flirting with a woman 20 years younger than he is.
Forget HIM and what his motives are -- you need to focus on YOUR motives and why you'd be OK doing this?
You can't control your crushes, but you can CERTAINLY control not acting on them when they are inappropriate.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Tell me I’m wrong. I bet I’m not. You want this guy to have sex with you on th sly, you want people here to say “ you’re awesome!sucks for the wife he’s known decades…. But hey! You got yours so it’s all good”. Not happening. And frankly it’s disgusting. You want to be in someone else’s shoes in 10 years??


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Tell me I’m wrong. I bet I’m not. You want this guy to have sex with you on th sly, you want people here to say “ you’re awesome!sucks for the wife he’s known decades…. But hey! You got yours so it’s all good”. Not happening. And frankly it’s disgusting. You want to be in someone else’s shoes in 10 years??


Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


Oh brother...


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


You’re wasting your time here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you don’t mind wrecking someone’s life, taking their husband, and making her lose faith in people and possibly stop believing love really exists, never trusting another man again/— because you’re “attracted to him”????
If you are being truthful, you are truly a low person. Have you no empathy whatsoever?
You should consider his wife has feelings too.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Have you no empathy whatsoever?
> You should consider his wife has feelings too.


That doesn’t matter because she’s got a crush on him and wants to see where this goes, duh! Why should his wife matter when this lady has a crush?!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You’re willing to cause heartache and depression to a woman you don’t know and has done nothing to deserve your behavior? There is no “ no strings sex” his wife will probably leave. He’ll owe support, will tire of you, and you’ll be known as a cheap ho. That’s fact. How is it you’re ok with that? If there are kids they will most likely hate you. Family friends won’t accept you. Can’t you find someone else?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What industry are you in out of curiosity?


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> You’re willing to cause heartache and depression to a woman you don’t know and gas done nothing to deserve your behavior? There is no “ no strings sex” his wife will probably leave. He’ll owe support, will tire of you, and you’ll be known as a cheap ho. That’s fact. How is it you’re ok with that? If there are kids they will most likely hate you. Family friends won’t accept you. Can’t you find someone else?


No, probably just looking to cause entertainment for herself/himself by posting this sort of thing in a marriage forum where they had to know the types of responses they’d get. If they are serious, then they’re just looking to justify pursuing this man and they won’t get it here.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you don’t mind wrecking someone’s life, taking their husband, and making her lose faith in people and possibly stop believing love really exists, never trusting another man again/— because you’re “attracted to him”????
> If you are being truthful, you are truly a low person. Have you no empathy whatsoever?
> You should consider his wife has feelings too.


I am putting the emphasis on him not taking anything forward and still am thinking he wouldn’t do anything . It is just wishful thinking by me


snowbum said:


> What industry are you in out of curiosity?


finance


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sometimes, fantasies are left best as fantasies. The reality of what this could actually look like is HR finding out, he or both of you losing your jobs and the guy, losing his marriage. 

It’s not worth it. Remember, there’s a consequence for everything we do in life and these consequences, have the potential to ruin lives.

I do think it’s sad though, that there are married people doing this crap at the workplace - flirting and pushing the envelope or worse, having affairs at work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He is the married one, I am single . He shouldn’t be encouraging/ allowing this to continue


Maybe this is why he wanted to talk via a phone conversation instead of in person. He's trying to step back and end this nonsense because he knows it's wrong for his marriage and for his career.

You are now the one pursuing him. 

He can't come out and say anything to you about whether or not he's attracted to you or that he does or does not want anything to happen between the two of you. The moment he said something like that, you could go to HR and raise a real stink.

Every time I've seen something like this happen in a company, the woman gets fired and blacklisted. You are the pursuer here. Why do you want to destroy this man's marriage?

Why do you think that you being attracted to him is so important? In your lifetime you will be attracted to many men. Are you going to pressure and chase every one of them this way? If you just ignore your feelings of attraction and limit your exposure to him, the attraction will fade away.


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## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I am putting the emphasis on him not taking anything forward and still am thinking he wouldn’t do anything . It is just wishful thinking by me


Sounds to me like you are trying to justify your intended behavior if he makes a move or even shows the slightest bit of interest. NOT ok. Never will be OK. Find someone who is single and move on. You're not only hurting yourself but potentially other innocent people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Maybe. But then is he meeting any other of our co workers for secret 1-1 meetings …


How are your meetings with him "secret"? Are they in the office during normal working hours?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


How many children does he have and how old are they?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> Tell me I’m wrong.  I bet I’m not. You want this guy to have sex with you on th sly, you want people here to say “ you’re awesome!sucks for the wife he’s known decades…. But hey! You got yours so it’s all good”. Not happening. And frankly it’s disgusting. You want to be in someone else’s shoes in 10 years??


I was thinking same.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


You know that will harm his M, and he's got a good W and kids, you don't mind destroying that for him?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> By ‘use me’ I’m not sure what you mean. The whole idea is that he is a mentor and a person to help guide me at work .


Yeah. Not a person for you to have sex with. He’s using you for sex, you mean nothing to him. When he’s done, they will fire you. You have no idea what’s coming. You are NOT special. They’ll toss you over without a second thought. But hey, get yours and see if I know what I’m talking about.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

snowbum said:


> What industry are you in out of curiosity?


Doesn’t really matter because soon it will be OnlyFans.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Catsclaws00 said:


> By ‘use me’ I’m not sure what you mean. The whole idea is that he is a mentor and a person to help guide me at work .


If you want to keep that, rule one at work especially if he's M.....DON'T sleep with him.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Perhaps he could say something like ‘let’s keep things professional , or he is too busy to continue mentoring etc etc . Lots of excuses he could use to stop this .


Perhaps you could say something like, "let's keep things professional. I'm going to find a new mentor.". 

You are in your mid-30's right? Plenty of men out there that would most likely enjoy dating you. Go find them. Sounds like this guy is willing to have an affair with you. Don't be the woman that does it with him. It'll be his fault if he destroys his wife by cheating on her let alone their kids, but don't be a part of that. 

Wouldn't it be nicer if you dated someone that was fully committed to you? What do you think is going to happen? He isn't going to leave his wife. You'll never fully have his attention. You'll just be the side piece. Don't you want something more?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Did you ever think that you got the feels for him but he is just trying to mentor you and nothing more? People mentor newer people all the time. Maybe he’s doing it so he looks better on his performance review. He may not be at all interested in you sexually. I think you need to go find a guy your age and hook up and let your work mentor simply be your work mentor.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


This is awful.

What do you think his wife would say if she saw this?

What do you think his kids would say if they saw this? 

Do you think your impulsive desires are worth what will happen to these people? All because you got a case of the feels? 

Put yourself in the shoes of his wife. What would you think if someone like you was saying all of these things?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No I’m really not. Normally we would chat and obviously have been seeing lots of eachother , he was there with his wife and he was acting like I was invisible - it was really uncomfortable as we talk normally


Ok we get that you're wanting something to happen with this guy. Have you really played this out in your mind on how this goes down?

Of course you were invisible to him being that his wife was there. Let's say he ultimately tells you that he's crushing on you as well. Let's say you all meet up somewhere and act on this crush and have sex. Again what happens afterwards? Have you thought this through on how things play after that?

Do you think he's going to leave his wife for you? Even if the two of you have sex? Because that's all it will be. Sex.

His wife will eventually find out. When she does he will dump you. People at work are going to find out and I'm sure many people already know that you're crushing on him. If he's like most men he won't keep this affair with you a secret (if he made the decision to mess around with you). When he does blab (or you blab) it's going to get back to HR and the two of you will be fired. No doubt about it.

You've been warned that this is serious business. This isn't High school. There's serious consequences. Your livelihood and your reputation are destroyed and for what? Because a man took an interest you to help mentor you?

Nothing and I mean NOTHING good comes out of this if you and this man follow through. Also, even if you don't follow through sexually but tell him you like him, he may have connections in the office to potentially help get rid of you because he sees how this could effect his career and his livelihood and ultimately his marriage.

Go find a woman mentor and just stop with this man as you are playing with FIRE and you will get burned.

Actions have consequences and there's no option with this playing out that will be to your liking. If you think there this YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF and if so you have bigger issues then crushing on this married coworker.

STOP being driven by lust and realizing that this is all this is. More then likely all the advice you've been given you'll ignore.[/QUOTE]


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Here’s the thing. There’s no no strings attached. How attractive is a guy who owes his ex 1/2 his $ and is now not the big deal you met? I’ve been with my dh for 32 years. Dealt with serious medical issues( our kids) deaths in the family and real live( you know not just sex. My kids are your age. Very sad, and before you think “ yah you’re a fat old woman”… ***** I’m running a marathon. Don’t discount his wife


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Catsclaws00 Welcome to TAM.

Your thread has caused some negative reactions, which is only to be expected.

However, you need to be careful. If management get wind of this they might decide to fire you. And if you are in one of the US states that have at will employment laws, you could end up without a job.

Which state are you in, by the way?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


So you are just another run of the mill selfish and entitle POS that wants what they want and don't give two craps about a man's wife and children. If you got what you want the only place it would lead is misery for his family. 

The only right thing you can do is to cut off contact with him ASAP. Any other action make you the bad guy. You are also putting yours and his job in jeopardy. Is that really what you want?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am not going to attack you. This kind of stuff happens at work. The circumstances set it up for that. Crushes happen. But you can't panic or do something stupid because they do.

First thing to understand about this dynamic is it's NOT REAL. You don't have to deal with this guys dirty underwear, or his snoring. Him leaving his cloths around with the expectation that you to pick them up. Him smelling. Dressed like a bum. Surfing the net for porn. You don't have to deal with the possibility that he has a tendency to be too close to young women at his job. Nope all you have is a successful guy, probably always dressed professionally and on his best behavior, who is in his element totally focusing on your success. Something I will remind you he is being paid to do. I am assuming you are young, or at least you are at your job. Sure that can be scary at times, and here is your own personal Knight in Shining Armor. But again that's not real, it's work.

He may very well be altruistic and invested in your success, but remember part of that is the fact that your success is his. I say this being someone who has mentored people at my job, it's not ALL out of the goodness of our hearts. I need these people to succeed because if they succeed my job gets easier. If they don't then it means a lot more work for me. Again I genuinely do care in the sense that I want them to go on to have good careers, some I even admire and like, but for the most part that is the impact they have on my life. Most of the time they are just too young for me to have serious relationships with, and when it comes to the women I will not allow myself to get any closer. Point is I have no expectations of them except to learn and do a good job. This is a totally different dynamic then my expectations of my wife, and her of me.

And I say that as a guy who actually married a women from my job who I worked together with on a few projects before we started dating. In that case we were both single and even then, when we started dating the dynamics changed and were very different right away. The only real benefit was that we already knew our working styles really fit. There is a lot more to a romantic relationship then that.

OP this isn't real.

Even saying that, here's the thing. It doesn't matter. It the scheme of your life's future, it's not important. As the great philosopher once said, you can't always get what you want. And I will add, what you want isn't always good for you.

Let it go. Give up. Move on. There is no chance. Stop putting any more energy into this because it's a waste of time.

Dudes married and you will hurt a whole bunch of people including yourself if you pursue this.

You will end up destroying the potential of your life if you go this route. There is no happy ending here. Listen there are probably qualities that you like about this man, these are probably the qualities that his wife liked in him, and she got there first. She has invested a lot more in him then you have. If you truly like and admire this man don't allow yourself to tempt him because even if he is an honorable person and doesn't act on it, it may still very well hurt him.

Instead look at this as a learning lesson, these qualities are ones you can look for in another younger, single man. And in that case you CAN get what you need. _ (I hope people are appreciating my the moves like Jagger in this post)_ Don't destroy something innocent and good and turn it into a cancer just because you lust. Also remember one thing, lets say you find this new guy. Then you very well might be in this guy's wife's position one day. He may be mentoring some young coworker who is secretly crushing on him. You may be busy dealing with raising this man's kids, getting a little older, feeling more tired and you wouldn't want this young upstart disrespecting you and what you and your husband had built right?

Again back to point, one of the hallmarks of maturity and one of the things that sets you up for having a good healthy life is realizing there are times where you just can't have what you want. Accept it. Another good one to learn is just because you feel the way you do today doesn't mean you will tomorrow, so don't panic if right now you don't feel comfortable. It's OK.

Learn these lessons, because it will do you as much if not more GOOD for your life as being with this guy would do BAD for it. They will bring much more sustainable contentment and great times of happiness. They will make you honorable and that is priceless. 

If you have any doubt just read here. But insert yourself in those stories. Do you want to be party to causing someone such pain?


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

This woman is the exact reason men don't ask women out to business lunches anymore. It harms everyone. I used to go to business lunches at least twice a week with men. It was business and only business and even back then we all knew what was right and wrong. Geez what a loser.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You are now the one pursuing him.
> 
> He can't come out and say anything to you about whether or not he's attracted to you or that he does or does not want anything to happen between the two of you. The moment he said something like that, you could go to HR and raise a real stink.
> 
> Every time I've seen something like this happen in a company, the woman gets fired and blacklisted. You are the pursuer here. Why do you want to destroy this man's marriage?


I do not think OP is naive at all, rather I think her moral compass is broken.

My opinion is that she knows *exactly* what she is doing and, when it fails or when she is later dumped by this man, she plans to "cry victim" and sue the company. It's a potential *payday* for her, that is why she is pushing so hard for this. She thinks it's a win-win for her ... a #ME TOO victim with a story to tell and a fatter wallet.

*I have seen this happen before* during my 40 years in the STEM industry. It's disgusting behavior.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

gold5932 said:


> This woman is the exact reason men don't ask women out to business lunches anymore. It harms everyone. I used to go to business lunches at least twice a week with men. It was business and only business and even back then we all knew what was right and wrong. Geez what a loser.


To be fair, this guy sounds like he is flirting with her to keep the sexual tension going. I think he is just as much to blame.

For the men that don't start stuff with women at the work place - I follow the script of the modern day business world. My job is too important to keep. I can't risk doing anything alone with a woman in a business setting. Too high of a chance where she could write me up on sexual harassment charges. I will only work with women in a group setting.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Red Sonja said:


> I do not think OP is naive at all, rather I think her moral compass is broken.
> 
> My opinion is that she knows *exactly* what she is doing and, when it fails or when she is later dumped by this man, she plans to "cry victim" and sue the company. It's a potential *payday* for her, that is why she is pushing so hard for this. She thinks it's a win-win for her ... a #ME TOO victim with a story to tell and a fatter wallet.
> 
> *I have seen this happen before* during my 40 years in the STEM industry. It's disgusting behavior.


It makes it more difficult for women to be taken seriously as well. I have to work twice as hard and be twice as careful because of women like this. We are all judged by the worst of us, and this poster, sorry, is one of the worst of us. I disagree her compass is broken, I'm not giving her that benefit of the doubt. She knows what she is doing and thinks she will get away with it. I don't know if she thinks she is too pretty for consequences, or too sexy, or too young, but I have seen it time and time again, and she is wrong.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

In the same way you’re reading too much into the attraction, you’re also not able to see that he’s not interested. From everything you post, I can see that he’s already avoiding you and trying to get away from you. But you still see it as him not telling you up front ‘I don’t think of you that way’. I think it’s clear to us and to him that you’re not going to hear the obvious.

You’re telling us you messaged 12 times. But we can all see what’s happening here. I am sure you’re initiating all of the contact and he’s throwing out a lot of ‘go away’ signs whether you want to accept that or not.

It sounds like the stalker who just keeps going and says, ‘She finally accepted my 24th bunch of flowers and screamed at me to not put them on her car! She likes me! I think that means she wants the flowers on her doorstep instead!’

Have you got many long-term friendships? With women? Have you had a pattern of friends just ghosting you throughout your life?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> To be fair, this guy sounds like he is flirting with her to keep the sexual tension going. I think he is just as much to blame.
> 
> For the men that don't start stuff with women at the work place - I follow the script of the modern day business world. My job is too important to keep. I can't risk doing anything alone with a woman in a business setting. Too high of a chance where she could write me up on sexual harassment charges. I will only work with women in a group setting.


I’m not so sure, I think she THINKS he’s flirting. Someone mentioned the guy at high school smiling in the corridor on the way to class. I think that’s what’s going on here. There are some very worrying people out there. I don’t see this turning out well for this man and his family. I expect this to be a decade-long obsession.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> In the same way you’re reading too much into the attraction, you’re also not able to see that he’s not interested. From everything you post, I can see that he’s already avoiding you and trying to get away from you. But you still see it as him not telling you up front ‘I don’t think of you that way’. I think it’s clear to us and to him that you’re not going to hear the obvious.
> 
> You’re telling us you messaged 12 times. But we can all see what’s happening here. I am sure you’re initiating all of the contact and he’s throwing out a lot of ‘go away’ signs whether you want to accept that or not.
> 
> ...


This is nonsense. I said to him that I would go through my uni to find a new mentor as I can see he is busy etc. he said no he is happy to continue and will look at when we can catch up uninterrupted


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because I am attracted to him, I want something to happen and I’m waiting for him to tell me no


He isn't available. Do you really want to be responsible for a marriage ending. To be known by everyone as a home wrecker? Go and find a single guy.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> This is nonsense. I said to him that I would go through my uni to find a new mentor as I can see he is busy etc. he said no he is happy to continue and will look at when we can catch up uninterrupted


It may seem one sided but the messages are not him giving one word answers or telling me to stop, he does a lot of ….. and is sounding pretty flirty also


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It 


Catsclaws00 said:


> This is nonsense. I said to him that I would go through my uni to find a new mentor as I can see he is busy etc. he said no he is happy to continue and will look at when we can catch up uninterrupted


It sounds as if wants to carry on but not encourage you. Maybe he actually loves his wife and doesn't want to be unfaithful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> It may seem one sided but the messages are not him giving one word answers or telling me to stop, he does a lot of ….. and is sounding pretty flirty also


You may be imagining it.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> It may seem one sided but the messages are not him giving one word answers or telling me to stop, he does a lot of ….. and is sounding pretty flirty also


We were meant to meet earlier but he said the department was too busy and it was tricky so suggested a phone call instead . He said we need to find some time when he doesn’t have work commitments


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It
> 
> It sounds as if wants to carry on but not encourage you. Maybe he actually loves his wife and doesn't want to be unfaithful.


Carry on but not encourage me - I don’t understand


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> This is not an affair yet - I’m simply trying to work out what this is and what he is doing


Why? He is married therefore you need to leave him alone and stop the flirting.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Carry on but not encourage me - I don’t understand


Carry on being a mentor but discouraging the flirting.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It
> 
> It sounds as if wants to carry on but not encourage you. Maybe he actually loves his wife and doesn't want to be unfaithful.


In that case I think as a highly intelligent man, he might think I don’t want to give her the wrong idea so better shut this down and let her find a new mentor through a proper channel. Instead he is saying he will look at his diary ti find a time we can meet uninterrupted


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> By ‘use me’ I’m not sure what you mean. The whole idea is that he is a mentor and a person to help guide me at work .


Then leave at that and stop the flirting.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Carry on being a mentor but discouraging the flirting.


Maybe that is true , I would hope he would say happy to continue but let’s keep things structured / progressional etc . Are texts are extremely familiar , not even a hi


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I said to him today that I should find someone else to mentor and he said he is happy to continue and will let me know time to meet next . That doesn’t sound like he is trying to get rid of me


It also doesn’t say he intends to get personal with you! 
He is MENTORING you! Keep it to that only!


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> It also doesn’t say he intends to get personal with you!
> He is MENTORING you! Keep it to that only!


No, it is almost unspoken. He clearly knows how I am feeling so is playing along I feel


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> We were meant to meet earlier but he said the department was too busy and it was tricky so suggested a phone call instead . He said we need to find some time when he doesn’t have work commitments


And you just can’t see he keeps fobbing you off. It will happen later, I’ll call you later, too busy now, can’t do it now, tomorrow, next week, sure I’m happy to keep mentoring you. You’re not taking the hint, and yes, you’re imagining it. There are so many ways he’s saying no.

I am also sure that behind the scenes it’s come to many peoples attention at work that you’re a concern. And there are many eyes watching you already. I’m pretty sure he’s already spoken to someone about this situation. I could assume that not one of his text messages to you has any flirting. Why not ask HR? Show them the text messages and see if they can point to a specific incidence of flirting via any text message or email.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> We were meant to meet earlier but he said the department was too busy and it was tricky so suggested a phone call instead . He said we need to find some time when he doesn’t have work commitments


That doesn’t sound like a man trying to get into your panties. He blew you off because he was too busy.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> And you just can’t see he keeps fobbing you off. It will happen later, I’ll call you later, too busy now, can’t do it now, tomorrow, next week, sure I’m happy to keep mentoring you. You’re not taking the hint, and yes, you’re imagining it. There are so many ways he’s saying no.
> 
> I am also sure that behind the scenes it’s come to many peoples attention at work that you’re a concern. And there are many eyes watching you already. I’m pretty sure he’s already spoken to someone about this situation. I could assume that not one of his text messages to you has any flirting. Why not ask HR? Show them the text messages and see if they can point to a specific incidence of flirting via any text message or email.


He said he will message tomorrow with a time we can meet . If he was thinking I am Harrassing him wouldn’t he just tell me to stop? Him saying happy to continue and smiley emojis etc wouldn’t look good to HR either and they would see it isn’t one sided


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> That doesn’t sound like a man trying to get into your panties. He blew you off because he was too busy.


He literally had a waiting room full of people and then text me to tell me when else he is free this week and could I pop by then instead. He really doesn’t seem like he is brushing me off


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He literally had a waiting room full of people and then text me to tell me when else he is free this week and could I pop by then instead. He really doesn’t seem like he is brushing me off


I also think maybe he is getting a bit worried that people notice we keep meeting in this particular department and people may start to talk


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He said he will message tomorrow with a time we can meet . If he was thinking I am Harrassing him wouldn’t he just tell me to stop? Him saying happy to continue and smiley emojis etc wouldn’t look good to HR either and they would see it isn’t one sided


Smile emojis? LOL. That’s what you are basing this on??? How old are you?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He said he will message tomorrow with a time we can meet . If he was thinking I am Harrassing him wouldn’t he just tell me to stop? Him saying happy to continue and smiley emojis etc wouldn’t look good to HR either and they would see it isn’t one sided


NO is pretty simple - not once has he discouraged or told me he can’t / didn’t want to meet , he always suggests another time and says sorry let’s do this time - when are you free etc


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Smile emojis? LOL. That’s what you are basing this on??? How old are you?





RebuildingMe said:


> Smile emojis? LOL. That’s what you are basing this on??? How old are you?


i was just saying that his texts aren’t subtly trying to end a conversation or shut down - I am not stupid and would know if that was the case


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If someone wanted to make up a character to shore up the redpill/MGTOW/NMMNG/ incel argument that women shouldn’t be allowed to work, how would that character be different than this poster? The situation is so absurd, it’s hard to believe it’s real. This kind of entitlement, selfishness and lack of moral character is staggering. Is this what happens when everyone gets a trophy?

I hope the OP is misreading this situation and this guy reports her to HR. It would be a good lesson for her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I actually saw this happen many years ago.

It destroyed the family of the staff member when he dumped his wife And children to live with a female trainee.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If someone wanted to make up a character to shore up the redpill/MGTOW/NMMNG/ incel argument that women shouldn’t be allowed to work, how would that character be different than this poster? The situation is so absurd, it’s hard to believe it’s real. This kind of entitlement, selfishness and lack of moral character is staggering. Is this what happens when everyone gets a trophy?
> 
> I hope the OP is misreading this situation and this guy reports her to HR. It would be a good lesson for her.


I have seen this play out in real life. Broke the wife and hurt the children.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> I have seen this play out in real life. Broke the wife and hurt the children.


I have too but I never heard from the other woman. I was always on the outside, listening to what the men were saying. I always knew who those women were and stayed away from them. Are they all this entitled? Those poor little kids. And his wife. There’s just nothing good about any of this. 🥺


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

So let's say for sake of argument that something happens and you have sex. Then what?Do you plan on being his young side piece long term? You will tire of being the booty call of a man old enough to be your father. That is a garantee. Then you realize you've invested years of your youth into some decrepid old fart who only wanted you for extramarital fun and poker night bragging rights. 
Eventually, his wife would find out and you'd be branded a home wrecker tramp throughout your place of employment. Reputations are very hard to shed once you've earned one.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I work at a very large fortune 100 company as a male manager. I’ve had countless females as subordinates, trainees and mentees. This thread is a good reminder that bunny boilers are abound and thus, as a man, I’m forced to keep my interactions short, professional and with witnesses around. This chump is about to get set up big time.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I work at a very large fortune 100 company as a male manager. I’ve had countless females as subordinates, trainees and mentees. This thread is a good reminder that bunny boilers are abound and thus, as a man, I’m forced to keep my interactions short, professional and with witnesses around. This chump is about to get set up big time.


That is really insulting, the characterisation of a bunny boiler doesn’t really fit with what I am describing.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I have too but I never heard from the other woman. I was always on the outside, listening to what the men were saying. I always knew who those women were and stayed away from them. Are they all this entitled? Those poor little kids. And his wife. There’s just nothing good about any of this. 🥺


He doesn’t have ‘little kids’ he is 55 and they are all grown up / uni etc


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No, it is almost unspoken. He clearly knows how I am feeling so is playing along I feel


Unless he outwardly says it, it's all in your head. Why are you so hell bent on having an affair with a married man at your place of work? A man who is way too old for you.

You texted him 12 times before he replied? That level of texting is stalking.

He's keeps canceling your meetups ... sound like he's trying to avoid you.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> That is really insulting, the characterisation of a bunny boiler doesn’t really fit with what I am describing.


It does. You’re pursuing.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> NO is pretty simple - not once has he discouraged or told me he can’t / didn’t want to meet , he always suggests another time and says sorry let’s do this time - when are you free etc


These proposed meetings are tapering off though, and their frequency is declining too. And smiling emojis aren’t flirting. I thought you had something really substantial. HR won’t see that as flirting either. I’m still not convinced that he likes you very much at all. This is very very one-sided. Sorry.


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Unless he outwardly says it, it's all in your head. Why are you so hell bent on having an affair with a married man at your place of work? A man who is way too old for you.
> 
> You texted him 12 times before he replied? That level of texting is stalking.
> 
> He's keeps canceling your meetups ... sound like he's trying to avoid you.


No, we text 12 times each back and forth


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> I work at a very large fortune 100 company as a male manager. I’ve had countless females as subordinates, trainees and mentees. This thread is a good reminder that bunny boilers are abound and thus, as a man, I’m forced to keep my interactions short, professional and with witnesses around. This chump is about to get set up big time.


And NEVER use a smiling emoji!! 🥳🥳🥳


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> These proposed meetings are tapering off though, and their frequency is declining too. And smiling emojis aren’t flirting. I thought you had something really substantial. HR won’t see that as flirting either. I’m still not convinced that he likes you very much at all. This is very very one-sided. Sorry.


Ok so when he messages tomorrow with when to meet I should just literally ignore him ?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He doesn’t have ‘little kids’ he is 55 and they are all grown up / uni etc


Oh well that makes it all better then. Since you’re so sure you’re such an improvement on his wife. Ugh.


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> These proposed meetings are tapering off though, and their frequency is declining too. And smiling emojis aren’t flirting. I thought you had something really substantial. HR won’t see that as flirting either. I’m still not convinced that he likes you very much at all. This is very very one-sided. Sorry.


If you are correct, thank you for the wake up call before I get my self in trouble that is irreversible. The point is now should I just cut all contact and tell him so


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He doesn’t have ‘little kids’ he is 55 and they are all grown up / uni etc


It's no unusual for 55-year-old men to have young children. When my father was 55, he had 3 young children in elementary school. The other 5 of us were in college. 

And so, what if his children are in college. If you have an affair with him and his wife finds out, it will devastate the college aged children. Generally, what happens is that the children end up hating the parent who cheats. They will hate you too.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> If you are correct, thank you for the wake up call before I get my self in trouble that is irreversible. The point is now should I just cut all contact and tell him so


If you have feelings for him, yes, find another mentor tomorrow.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> These proposed meetings are tapering off though, and their frequency is declining too. And smiling emojis aren’t flirting. I thought you had something really substantial. HR won’t see that as flirting either. I’m still not convinced that he likes you very much at all. This is very very one-sided. Sorry.


How can it be one sided if he isn’t saying no or making any effort to stop ? I want to try and stop if that is the case


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> If you are correct, thank you for the wake up call before I get my self in trouble that is irreversible. The point is now should I just cut all contact and tell him so


I think you should focus on your job, and your friendships. Maybe get a pet. A hobby.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> How can it be one sided if he isn’t saying no or making any effort to stop ? I want to try and stop if that is the case


Today when I suggested getting a proper mentor through a proper channel he just laughed and said happy to continue . That was me trying ti say to him shall we stop this now / is he fed up etc


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Today when I suggested getting a proper mentor through a proper channel he just laughed and said happy to continue . That was me trying ti say to him shall we stop this now / is he fed up etc


It does not matter if he said that he would continue. What matters to you is what is best for you. This entire situation is very likely going to blow up on you. So do what you need to do to protect yourself.

This means to get a proper mentor through the proper channel. Ask for a female mentor if at all possible. Then tell him that you appreciate all the help he's given you, but you now have a new mentor.

You are in some ways putting this on him, but you are the one responsible for yourself and your own actions.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> It does not matter if he said that he would continue. What matters to you is what is best for you. This entire situation is very likely going to blow up on you. So do what you need to do to protect yourself.
> 
> This means to get a proper mentor through the proper channel. Ask for a female mentor if at all possible. Then tell him that you appreciate all the help he's given you, but you now have a new mentor.
> 
> You are in some ways putting this on him, but you are the one responsible for yourself and your own actions.


Noted. I’m not trying to put this on him, I’m just saying to the people who seem to think I am imagining the messages or meet ups that it is real and is happening and has been for months


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He could be utterly clueless. I know I was in a similar situation. It took my wife to warn me that a woman was flirting with me. Seriously! I had not one clue!  😱


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> He could be utterly clueless. I know I was in a similar situation. It took my wife to warn me that a woman was flirting with me. Seriously! I had not one clue!  😱


What happened and what kind of thing were you clueless about ?


----------



## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I work at a very large fortune 100 company as a male manager. I’ve had countless females as subordinates, trainees and mentees. This thread is a good reminder that bunny boilers are abound and thus, as a man, I’m forced to keep my interactions short, professional and with witnesses around. This chump is about to get set up big time.


Ditto. There are two females in my office that I will not let close the door behind them if they need to come into my office to talk about something. 



Catsclaws00 said:


> Ok so when he messages tomorrow with when to meet I should just literally ignore him ?


No, you act like a f'n professional and let him do his job and teach you things about his line of business.

If you lack the ability to do that, then yes, you walk away and let him know it's not working for you because you can't keep it professional in your head.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> Ditto. There are two females in my office that I will not let close the door behind them if they need to come into my office to talk about something.
> 
> 
> No, you act like a f'n professional and let him do his job and teach you things about his line of business.
> ...


He is the one saying let’s find somewhere uninterrupted etc, not me .


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He is the one saying let’s find somewhere uninterrupted etc, not me .


We usually find a quiet office and we are always alone when we talk, never around anyone else so he obviously feels comfortable doing that


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

He has said things in the past like he thought of me , made silly comments like asking me if I was cold when I had a coat on… trying to tease etc


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He is the one saying let’s find somewhere uninterrupted etc, not me .


You're aware how rude it is to the men-tee to be interrupted while trying to learn something, right? At that point, he's literally wasting your time if people keep calling/walking into the office.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Noted. I’m not trying to put this on him, I’m just saying to the people who seem to think I am imagining the messages or meet ups that it is real and is happening and has been for months


So put the focus on yourself. You have 100% control over in that you can end this entire thing immediately. Just don't ever initiate a call or text to him again. If the calls/texts just say that you are busy. You can think him for the mentoring he's done, but right now you don't have time for this. If he challenges this, just reiterate that you don't have time and then say bye and end the discourse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No, it is almost unspoken. He clearly knows how I am feeling so is playing along I feel


I dont think he is playing along, nor should he, he is a married man maybe with children.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He is the one saying let’s find somewhere uninterrupted etc, not me .


Yes by that he means where he can help you work wise not flirt.


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> Ditto. There are two females in my office that I will not let close the door behind them if they need to come into my office to talk about something.
> 
> 
> No, you act like a f'n professional and let him do his job and teach you things about his line of business.
> ...





Diana7 said:


> I dont think he is playing along, nor should he, he is a married man maybe with children.


if a married man is knowingly engaging in communication with a woman who he knows is flirting and interested - that is going along with things


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He has said things in the past like he thought of me , made silly comments like asking me if I was cold when I had a coat on… trying to tease etc


Probably just being friendly as he does with others at work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He has said things in the past like he thought of me , made silly comments like asking me if I was cold when I had a coat on… trying to tease etc


He asked you if you were cold because you were wearing a coat and you interpret that as him showing interest in you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> if a married man is knowingly engaging in communication with a woman who he knows is flirting and interested - that is going along with things


No its not, he is your work mentor so of course he has to communicate. How do you expect him to mentor you without talking?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> He asked you if you were cold because you were wearing a coat and you interpret that as him showing interest in you?


Yes I though that weird as well.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> He asked you if you were cold because you were wearing a coat and you interpret that as him showing interest in you?


No he is was saying it in a weird way, I took off my coat and said is that better and he smiled and said yes .. these things were all flirty at the time and likely don’t come across well when describing. Not that they matter anyway as it is all just rubbish


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

You don't want advice. You want us to tell you it's ok. It's not. It won't ever be. If you want to be a horrible human, have at it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> That is really insulting, the characterisation of a bunny boiler doesn’t really fit with what I am describing.


If you have any integrity or moral values at all you will stop this nonsense and find a single guy to flirt with.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> We usually find a quiet office and we are always alone when we talk, never around anyone else so he obviously feels comfortable doing that


Maybe he loves his wife and knows that nothing will ever happen.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He doesn’t have ‘little kids’ he is 55 and they are all grown up / uni etc


He still has children who would be devastated if their parents marriage broke up because of a silly workplace affair.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Ok so when he messages tomorrow with when to meet I should just literally ignore him ?


No you act professionally and stop acting like a lovesick teenager.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> No its not, he is your work mentor so of course he has to communicate. How do you expect him to mentor you without talking?


Via teams , or in a really professional way which is clear what the boundaries are. Our texts are over familiar and n


Diana7 said:


> He still has children who would be devastated if their parents marriage broke up because of a silly workplace affair.


agreed , i understand that. From what you are saying you think this is a genuine person just mentoring with no other intent or interest , I will ignore him from tomorrow onwards and see what happens.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Via teams , or in a really professional way which is clear what the boundaries are. Our texts are over familiar and n
> 
> agreed , i understand that. From what you are saying you think this is a genuine person just mentoring with no other intent or interest , I will ignore him from tomorrow onwards and see what happens.


Or just politely say sorry I can’t meet up


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> No you act professionally and stop acting like a lovesick teenager.


I even texted him today to say I wanted to see him - he just said very busy here. I then said you don’t understand what I’m meaning , he said no I don’t please explain


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I actually saw this happen many years ago.
> 
> It destroyed the family of the staff member when he dumped his wife And children to live with a female trainee.


As far as possible women should mentor women and men mentor men.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> As far as possible women should mentor women and men mentor men.


Or adults could act like adults. I’ve been mentored by men my whole career with no issues. It’s about character.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Via teams , or in a really professional way which is clear what the boundaries are. Our texts are over familiar and n
> 
> agreed , i understand that. From what you are saying you think this is a genuine person just mentoring with no other intent or interest , I will ignore him from tomorrow onwards and see what happens.


Its really irrelevant if you want to be a good person because no decent person will ever go after a married person.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I even texted him today to say I wanted to see him - he just said very busy here. I then said you don’t understand what I’m meaning , he said no I don’t please explain


I then panicked and thought I really can’t say what I’m truly feeling so I made up some rubbish about being able to make better decisions face ti face etc . He said understood and that he would find a time etc


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Or adults could act like adults. I’ve been mentored by men my whole career with no issues. It’s about character.


Its still a good idea. Many people actually have boundaries in place for things like this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I then panicked and thought I really can’t say what I’m truly feeling so I made up some rubbish about being able to make better decisions face ti face etc . He said understood and that he would find a time etc


Dont say what you are feeling, stay completely professional unless you want to loose your job and destroy a family.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So you are texting first, again, he’s busy.

Look it’s pretty normal that men and women have to meet at work! In my career I had lots of meetings with men, because work has to get done! Women know all about their wives and families, men know all about theirs, and work gets done! Lots of texting, lots of emails, lots of mentoring at meetings. Even smiling emojis. 

Are you performing ok at work? Again, do you have any friends or a life outside work? What do you female friends say about this? Have you told your friends and family that you’re crushing on a coworker and that you can’t stop texting him?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Dont say what you are feeling, stay completely professional unless you want to loose your job and destroy a family.


That is what I was trying ti do as I realised putting it out there would be wrong


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> So you are texting first, again, he’s busy.
> 
> Look it’s pretty normal that men and women have to meet at work! In my career I had lots of meetings with men, because work has to get done! Women know all about their wives and families, men know all about theirs, and work gets done! Lots of texting, lots of emails, lots of mentoring at meetings. Even smiling emojis.
> 
> Are you performing ok at work? Again, do you have any friends or a life outside work? What do you female friends say about this? Have you told your friends and family that you’re crushing on a coworker and that you can’t stop texting him?


No he text me first to say he get held up in a meeting and was sorry but would sort a time to meet or did I want to call him to talk. I said no I wanted to see you


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> As far as possible women should mentor women and men mentor men.


Blame #metoo for that


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No he text me first to say he get held up in a meeting and was sorry but would sort a time to meet or did I want to call him to talk. I said no I wanted to see you


We then went on to both text a further 10 times in same day


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> So you are texting first, again, he’s busy.
> 
> Look it’s pretty normal that men and women have to meet at work! In my career I had lots of meetings with men, because work has to get done! Women know all about their wives and families, men know all about theirs, and work gets done! Lots of texting, lots of emails, lots of mentoring at meetings. Even smiling emojis.
> 
> Are you performing ok at work? Again, do you have any friends or a life outside work? What do you female friends say about this? Have you told your friends and family that you’re crushing on a coworker and that you can’t stop texting him?


Yes I have friends and a life, I haven’t told anyone no


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No he text me first to say he get held up in a meeting and was sorry but would sort a time to meet or did I want to call him to talk. I said no I wanted to see you


He sent me his direct dial extension but I said don’t worry about it


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Its still a good idea. Many people actually have boundaries in place for things like this.


Like professionalism, that is the boundary. Besides, women like that will find a way to get access to men regardless of whatever childish rules are put in place. I’ve seen it for years. All a rule like that would do is keep women out of STEM fields. It’s the very discrimination we’ve fought against.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No he text me first to say he get held up in a meeting and was sorry but would sort a time to meet or did I want to call him to talk. I said no I wanted to see you


You are showing your unprofessionalism and immaturity!
Ugh, only professional talk! It’s a job you are supposed to be learning! And instead you are playing head games WITH YOURSELF! 

Stick to learning the job! Stop trying to play games with him!!! You look childish!

When was the last time you actually dated? I want to know.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You disgust me. I bet if you meet up you will literally throw yourself at him or grab his crotch, you have not an ounce of professionalism. Grow the f up up and get a conscience.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Let this guy alone. Do the decent thing


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I would wager he knows exactly how you feel and yes enjoys it. I am coming from a place of experience and actually ended up marrying the man who all this occurred with. I’m the beginning I didn’t know he was married, but I did find out and felt terrible. Ended it, a time later he was divorcing wife, we got back together. I was very young, VERY naïve.. also there was a 20 year age gap. 

You don’t sound naive though, you are looking for trouble, you said it yourself and that’s exactly what this is. You’re not going to get the answers your looking for here. Stop engaging and find a new mentor.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He sent me his direct dial extension but I said don’t worry about it



Such a childish response. Such an infantile way you are approaching him!

DO a the work you are supposed to be learning! Leave all personal “feelings” in the parking lot! 

From his perspective - you spend a LOT of energy wasting his time! Just stop it.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Let this guy alone. Do the decent thing


I will do . And when he starts messaging and asking if all is ok (as I’m pretty sure he will if I gave him chance ) I will ignore that also


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Such a childish response. Such an infantile way you are approaching him!
> 
> DO a the work you are supposed to be learning! Leave all personal “feelings” in the parking lot!
> 
> From his perspective - you spend a LOT of energy wasting his time! Just stop it.


How is it childish to say I think it is better to speak in person rather than over the phone when I know he is really busy ?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You are embarrassing yourself when you should be there to learn! 
What a waste. You shouldn’t even be allowed to be mentored when your goal is to bed the mentor…at all cost.

Go date someone your own age. You’re making yourself look silly and totally desperate.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I would wager he knows exactly how you feel and yes enjoys it. I am coming from a place of experience and actually ended up marrying the man who all this occurred with. I’m the beginning I didn’t know he was married, but I did find out and felt terrible. Ended it, a time later he was divorcing wife, we got back together. I was very young, VERY naïve.. also there was a 20 year age gap.
> 
> You don’t sound naive though, you are looking for trouble, you said it yourself and that’s exactly what this is. You’re not going to get the answers your looking for here. Stop engaging and find a new mentor.


I will cut contact then as people are telling me . That should mean he does the same


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> How is it childish to say I think it is better to speak in person rather than over the phone when I know he is really busy ?


Because it’s NOT business you intend to discuss! 
Stop embarrassing yourself.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Because it’s NOT business you intend to discuss!
> Stop embarrassing yourself.


But he isn’t aware of that as I didn’t say anything in the end . He thinks I wanted ti discuss a tricky meeting I had later in the day


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You’re a calculated predator.
You shouldn’t work with married men.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> But he isn’t aware of that as I didn’t say anything in the end . He thinks I wanted ti discuss a tricky meeting I had later in the day


Ya right. Not all 50 year olds are as stupid as people your age.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Because it’s NOT business you intend to discuss!
> Stop embarrassing yourself.


I said I wanted ti see him , when he said please explain I changed course as I realised it wasn’t a good move at all


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell me, why aren’t you dating guys your age?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Ya right. Not all 50 year olds are as stupid as people your age.


Ok - so if he does know exactly what I was meaning and that what I was saying was a huge embarrassing come on - how come he still said happy to continue and that he will let me know when we can meet . Can you see this is making me think he is enjoying this somehow ?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You keep texting him and he answers. What should he do? Tell you to leave him the f alone like he probably wants to? If you’re hell bent to break his wife’s heart, cause health issues, career issues. ruin your reputation because people will see you as a cheap sleazy piece of ass, and miss out on an education by all means go do. But go to some site like quota or AITA which you are, and leave people who do not condone cheating alone


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I said I wanted ti see him , when he said please explain I changed course as I realised it wasn’t a good move at all


Yet you wasted a busy guys time with all this nonsense that amounted to nothing except to distract him from working!

Get professional help! No mentee should look so desperate that they text the mentor for empty attention!

Your need for attention looks like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum.

Maybe you aren’t cut out for the working world. You seem infantile - needing to read into the most basic texts.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Tell me, why aren’t you dating guys your age?


Because I haven’t met anyone I like and I really do have feelings for him


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So I guess jump to “ hey let’s F”. I guess you hoped you’d be encouraged to do that right🤢you really are shameless.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Yet you wasted a busy guys time with all this nonsense that amounted to nothing except to distract him from working!
> 
> Get professional help! No mentee should look so desperate that they text the mentor for empty attention!


I’m not proud of myself and I know I look really stupid


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Like professionalism, that is the boundary. Besides, women like that will find a way to get access to men regardless of whatever childish rules are put in place. I’ve seen it for years. All a rule like that would do is keep women out of STEM fields. It’s the very discrimination we’ve fought against.


That's why I said if it's possible. I really respect people who have good boundaries in place. They are loving their marriage enough to protect it.
There are enough women in most fields now to enable this to happen.
Not all affairs are planned. Many happen due to 2 people getting too close, often at work.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Beach123 said:


> Tell me, why aren’t you dating guys your age?


Answer please


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> You keep texting him and he answers. What should he do? Tell you to leave him the f alone like he probably wants to? If you’re hell bent to break his wife’s heart, cause health issues, career issues. ruin your reputation because people will see you as a cheap sleazy piece of ass, and miss out on an education by all means go do. But go to some site like quota or AITA which you are, and leave people who do not condone cheating alone


He could politely say he no longer has time or make an excuse at any time . I gave him prefect opportunity earlier when I said I would find new mentor


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Answer please


Because I can’t stop thinking about this one guy


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I’m not proud of myself and I know I look really stupid


Just do the right thing now and stop seeing him as someone you fancy and see him just as a work colleague. No more flirting.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He could politely say he no longer has time or make an excuse at any time . I gave him prefect opportunity earlier when I said I would find new mentor


He sees it as part if his work responsibilities I guess.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Find a new mentor NOW! 

And date guys your own age! AVAILABLE guys


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I will cut contact then as people are telling me . That should mean he does the same


oh don’t be surprised if he doesn’t. The way you’ve been eyeing him doesn’t just go away. But it’s a very tit for tat thing for you to say. If I stop then he has to too. _insert eyeroll_ He doesn’t have to do anything, he’s his own person. You worry about you and control you.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because I can’t stop thinking about this one guy


I


Bulfrog1987 said:


> oh don’t be surprised if he doesn’t. The way you’ve been eyeing him doesn’t just go away. But it’s a very tit for tat thing for you to say. If I stop then he has to too. _insert eyeroll_ He doesn’t have to do anything, he’s his own person. You worry about you and control you.


ok I will stop and hopefully he will not contact me again at all and be relieved that I’ve stopped harassing him


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because I can’t stop thinking about this one guy


Yes you can, you distract yourself and think about something else. Put an elastic band on your wrist and twang it to cause you pain every time he comes into your mind.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because I can’t stop thinking about this one guy


You need professional help with your processing.

Work on boundaries!

How would you like it - when you are married 20-30 years and some 20 year old gal keeps trying to find ways to have sex with YOUR husband? How would you like that?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I
> 
> ok I will stop and hopefully he will not contact me again at all and be relieved that I’ve stopped harassing him


You can be an adult and act in a professional way I hope. How much longer is the mentoring going to be for?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> You need professional help with your processing.
> 
> Work on boundaries!
> 
> How would you like it - when you are married 20-30 years and some 20 year old gal keeps trying to find ways to have sex with YOUR husband? How would you like that?


this, I’d like her to answer this.


----------



## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Hi, thanks for your reply. When you say this isn’t real - he is very much engaging in whatever it is ‘this’ actually is so I’m finding it hard as to why he doesn’t just stop the contact


What don’t you get? He’s a man and you are stroking his ego. He isn’t interested in you by any means. If you get lucky maybe he will let you give him a blow job. That’s about all you will get. Don’t be pathetic, have some self respect and look for a single, secure available man.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> You can be an adult and act in a professional way I hope. How much longer is the mentoring going to be for?


He isn’t actually needing to mentor me at all. He ain’t even a professional mentor in any legitimate capacity , he is a colleague who I have grown close to who said he is happy to support me etc etc . Absolutely no reason for us to speak or communicate if we don’t want to


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> You need professional help with your processing.
> 
> Work on boundaries!
> 
> How would you like it - when you are married 20-30 years and some 20 year old gal keeps trying to find ways to have sex with YOUR husband? How would you like that?


Clearly I wouldn’t like that. Only he knows what his marriage is like


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Also, @Catsclaws00 which state are you in? Because many states have at will employment legislation meaning if you allow this to continue they might just fire you. 









At-Will Employment


Complete Guide with State Information and Definition




www.betterteam.com




.


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Clearly I wouldn’t like that. Only he knows what his marriage is like


Yeah he is, but it doesn’t matter what shape his marriage is in. Good or bad. What does that have to do with it?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> oh don’t be surprised if he doesn’t. The way you’ve been eyeing him doesn’t just go away. But it’s a very tit for tat thing for you to say. If I stop then he has to too. _insert eyeroll_ He doesn’t have to do anything, he’s his own person. You worry about you and control you.


I wasn’t saying that. What I meant was, If this is all me and im chasing him etc - if i stop , I shouldn’t hear from him and he will be relieved it has stopped


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> Also, @Catsclaws00 which state are you in? Because many states have at will employment legislation meaning if you allow this to continue they might just fire you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I live in Texas


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Clearly I wouldn’t like that. Only he knows what his marriage is like


Read the question again! Then answer appropriately!



Beach123 said:


> You need professional help with your processing.
> 
> Work on boundaries!
> 
> How would you like it - when you are married 20-30 years and some 20 year old gal keeps trying to find ways to have sex with YOUR husband? How would you like that?


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yeah he is, but it doesn’t matter what shape his marriage is in. Good or bad. What does that have to do with it?


Because if it was good I just simply don’t think he would allow the blurred boundaries that we currently have . People have commented on the ego stroke this must be for him, he said earlier discuss when we meet up next… almost like he just knows I will be there waiting like a lap dog


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Clearly I wouldn’t like that. Only he knows what his marriage is like


I would be devastated if that were me , yes . She was giving me a funny look at the work party , almost like she knew I was crushing on him or has seen his phone perhaps


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I would be devastated if that were me , yes . She was giving me a funny look at the work party , almost like she knew I was crushing on him or has seen his phone perhaps


You’re embarrassing yourself with your behavior.

You need a counselor to work on boundaries and what a professional at work looks like.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because if it was good I just simply don’t think he would allow the blurred boundaries that we currently have . People have commented on the ego stroke this must be for him, he said earlier discuss when we meet up next… almost like he just knows I will be there waiting like a lap dog


Listen, two years ago on my husband birthday two days before our anniversary (13 years) he was messaging a crackhead looking high school classmate asking for nudes. He wasn’t in an unhappy marriage. He had me, twenty years younger who did EVERYTHING for him, literally cooking everyday, did all the laundry, all the dishes, all the household duties even mowing our 10 acres andraising our son practically single handly with the exception of him bringing in the majority of our income.

He had a life and wife most men dream of but never attain. He was however, super insecure and would fold at any instance of receiving attention. Don’t flatter yourself.

Some men are just dogs like that as some women are just trash who don’t do better knowing it’s freaking wrong. Now I’m not perfect, I had an affair over a decade ago. I’m telling you, I know exactly what I’m talking about and if you came here for advice but truly only have the intention of arguing every reason why you think it’s okay. Why are you even here?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So you’re ok being used for sex on the side. Then what? You tell his wife? He gets pushed and leaves your sorry butt? Talk to your mom, tell her you’re chasing a married man and you hope you can screw him and do not have any empathy for his wife . Why do t you have any consideration beyond what you want? Have you always been so self centered?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I would be devastated if that were me , yes . She was giving me a funny look at the work party , almost like she knew I was crushing on him or has seen his phone perhaps


And yet you do t care ? You don’t realize you’re in the wrong? Leave him alone. Stop this crap.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You could be the bigger person. You could walk away. You could find someone single. And that would be great. But if you don’t you deserve everybit of karma you get. This isn’t a game. People will be wrecked. There is no harmless affair. It never is no strings attached. Just move on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

How much time has passed since your last date with a guy?


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> if he is a happily married man in his mid 50s and he was mentoring a much younger woman at work (when he really doesn’t need to, we aren’t even in same department and have absolutely no need to interact ) if his intentions were innocent and to purely help at work I believe he would make his position very clear and wouldn’t allow the flirtation and ambiguity to your persist. I believe he is an emotionally intelligent man and find it hard to believe he doesn’t know what’s going on here. He even tried to make me say something today by saying he didnt understand and please explain. I am glad I didn’t say something stupid here as it may have crossed a line


Are you trying to justify your behavior? It sounds like you are pretty easy, if he wanted you, it wouldn’t haven’t taken much to get in his office or back seat.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because I haven’t met anyone I like and I really do have feelings for him


If you really have feelings for him, wouldn't you want what is best for him? Including not destroying his marriage?



Catsclaws00 said:


> I wasn’t saying that. What I meant was, If this is all me and im chasing him etc - if i stop , I shouldn’t hear from him and he will be relieved it has stopped


This sounds to me like you're hoping to/planning on using this as an excuse to launch the affair with him. You make the half hearted attempt to break contact, then if he presses you to keep going well then it is on him and you are innocent (in your mind). 

He isn't going to be relieved, he is going to be left wondering why you ghosted him. I can see it now, you will do everything you can to still bed this married man.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> If you really have feelings for him, wouldn't you want what is best for him? Including not destroying his marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No I won’t do that , but I am truly not understanding why he wouldn’t feel relieved as I’m getting the advice on here that I am pursuing him / chasing etc


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> View attachment 89207


Sex is as far as it will go!


Catsclaws00 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all





Catsclaws00 said:


> Hi, a man 20 years my senior (married mid 50s) is acting as a mentor to me at work and has been extremely supportive in helping me tackle some work issues that have happened in the last year or so. It started off really innocently, I found his advice sound and he was a trustworthy ear to bounce ideas around with and come up with solutions. Fast forward and I cannot stop thinking about him… we meet up as and when we can at work , but it is tricky around other commitments and we usually try to find somewhere private to talk. His demeanour is generally upbeat , has been fairly flirty in the past…nothing has ever happened but I have experienced times around other people where our eye contact has been intense and I just get the feeling he knows I fancy him. We were meant to me this morning and he suddenly couldn’t , he said can we talk over the phone as things were really busy his end I said don’t worry and that I wanted to see him. He said phone if he can help , I said he isn’t understanding what I’m saying - he replied no I’m not, please explain. I really wanted to say something back (like I wanted to see him because I miss him etc) but bottled it and just said easier to meet face to face etc. I’ve suggested if he is busy that we stop and I find other people to mentor me , he just said happy to continue… I’m confused and I don’t know what is going on. There is absolutely no way he hasn’t guessed that I’m crushing on him, so what is he playing at ? I have tried to give him chance to say maybe we should stop now as he is busy etc but he didn’t take that opportunity. I last replied just saying you decide time / place to meet and I will try to fit in around his commitments but that we need regular time…. Can anybody help , does it sound like he knows that I’m thinking of him as more than a mentor and if so why is he going along with it ? Thanks for reading.





Catsclaws00 said:


> I’m not sure which part you mean - he has messaged today to say he wants to continue to meet up and he will let me know when… so nothing is stopping from his point of view


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> No I won’t do that , but I am truly not understanding why he wouldn’t feel relieved as I’m getting the advice on here that I am pursuing him / chasing etc


I do want the best for him , and yes that means leaving him alone - I get that now . If he wonders why I’m ghosting him then I’m sure he will realise why and then we needn’t contact eachother again


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Because I am attracted to him, I want something to happen and I’m waiting for him to tell me no


Grow up and find someone else. You are toxic, childish and pathetic.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> If you really have feelings for him, wouldn't you want what is best for him? Including not destroying his marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I meant he will feel relieved that I’m not giving him unwanted attention anymore


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

You don't need to ghost him. You don't need to leave him alone. You need to be a professional.

If you CAN'T, then yes, you should just walk away.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Zedd said:


> You don't need to ghost him. You don't need to leave him alone. You need to be a professional.
> 
> If you CAN'T, then yes, you should just walk away.


this poster is right. If you haven’t blatantly stated your attracting it’s the e perfect opportunity to act like he was misreading you.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> You don't need to ghost him. You don't need to leave him alone. You need to be a professional.
> 
> If you CAN'T, then yes, you should just walk away.


I have tried to be many times , I just can’t seem to so think walking away is better tbh


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> this poster is right. If you haven’t blatantly stated your attracting it’s the e perfect opportunity to act like he was misreading you.


Please explain - confused


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Please explain - confused


I was saying what Zedd said was right. You don’t have to ghost him persay. But now that I see your response to his, it probably is in your best interest to.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I was saying what Zedd said was right. You don’t have to ghost him persay. But now that I see your response to his, it probably is in your best interest to.


I also think I have been so obviously chasing this man he clearly knows how I feel


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I meant he will feel relieved that I’m not giving him unwanted attention anymore


He may be genuinely trying to mentor you. So he may actually be disappointed, not relieved. 

You are letting emotions get in the way of your career. That seems to be what you aren't getting.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I also think I have been so obviously chasing this man he clearly knows how I feel


Why are you chasing a married man?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Then simply text him and inform him you are finished with his help - you feel it’s come to an end now. Simply thank him for his knowledge and time.

That is all. No need to respond if he responds to your text.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why are you chasing a married man?


Because I have been wanting something to happen between us (wrongly I know )


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Last time you dated a man your age was when______?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I live in Texas


Yikes. Then you are likely to be hung out to dry if things go wrong


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Then simply text him and inform him you are finished with his help - you feel it’s come to an end now. Simply thank him for his knowledge and time.
> 
> That is all. No need to respond if he responds to your text.


He text me earlier saying he would let me know when we can meet. I said sounds good and that I thought I had p’d him off earlier - he will likely respond in the morning so will say that then to him


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Catsclaws00 said:


> if he is a happily married man in his mid 50s and he was mentoring a much younger woman at work (when he really doesn’t need to, we aren’t even in same department and have absolutely no need to interact ) if his intentions were innocent and to purely help at work I believe he would make his position very clear and wouldn’t allow the flirtation and ambiguity to your persist. I believe he is an emotionally intelligent man and find it hard to believe he doesn’t know what’s going on here. He even tried to make me say something today by saying he didnt understand and please explain. I am glad I didn’t say something stupid here as it may have crossed a line


Maybe he sees what’s going on, but has no intention of having an affair with you, and is just enjoying the flirting and validation.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Be thankful you’re old enough to come the realization that this is no good at any angle. I was practically groomed from 16/17 years old. He wasn’t a bad man, but he definitely took advantage of me and my youth and lack of experience and still robbed me after what would have been 15 years this fall of marriage he decided to end his life a few months ago.

Some might look at my threads and say I dodged a bullet so to speak. I’m telling you, this is your chance to dodge a cannon with far more knowledge than I ever had. Good luck.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Last time you dated a man your age was when______?





DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe he sees what’s going on, but has no intention of having an affair with you, and is just enjoying the flirting and validation.


I am sure that is true. He must enjoy the attention and the feeling when I ask for his opinion / help etc


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I would be devastated if that were me , yes . She was giving me a funny look at the work party , almost like she knew I was crushing on him or has seen his phone perhaps


Poor woman


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why do you keep avoiding telling us how long ago you dated a man your age?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe he sees what’s going on, but has no intention of having an affair with you, and is just enjoying the flirting and validation.


Like I Will say things to him like Mike is also helping on this project but he isn’t you …


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Why do you keep avoiding telling us how long ago you dated a man your age?


About 5 months ago, what does that matter ? I just am attracted to a man who is much older / I can’t help that


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Catsclaws00 said:


> About 5 months ago, what does that matter ? I just am attracted to a man who is much older / I can’t help that


attraction is one thing. And literally I get it, doesn’t usually work out, but there are the rare occasions. I feel like I was one of them, however mine didn’t end as I thought. That wasn’t due to me though, that was issues far beyond anyones control but my husbands.

personally I don’t think it matters but inquiring minds wanted to know. The issue is your attracted knowingly to someone you shouldn’t be regardless of age I think is the main thing.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> About 5 months ago, what does that matter ? I just am attracted to a man who is much older / I can’t help that


What you can control is how YOU participate.

No one is forcing you to act like a fool and embarrassing yourself.


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> What you can control is how YOU participate.
> 
> No one is forcing you to act like a fool and embarrassing yourself.


I said to him today that If he wants to continue whatever this is …mentoring. He decides the time and place, he said he will let me know … that was me basically saying to him I’m not chasing you anymore ti meet - if he wants to, he can contact me for a change


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I said to him today that If he wants to continue whatever this is …mentoring. He decides the time and place, he said he will let me know … that was me basically saying to him I’m not chasing you anymore ti meet - if he wants to, he can contact me for a change


That is why I’m saying I don’t feel this is all me and thinking things in to it. I’ve laid it out , he said he wants to continue and I’ve said fine you tell me a time and place rather than me arranging anything


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Catsclaws00 said:


> That is why I’m saying I don’t feel this is all me and thinking things in to it. I’ve laid it out , he said he wants to continue and I’ve said fine you tell me a time and place rather than me arranging anything


I also said at the end of my message but we need regular time. He is going to find a good time and let me know


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Can you please consider the years, memories, promises, joys and sufferings he and his wife share? The fact that despite your wishes or fantasies he’s married? He’s not married and you should not even be attempting to intrude? You, on your own as an adult who can chose the right thing, should have nothing to do with him. No buts, no “ well he’ll wonder” no “ I want [email protected] Just stop. Stop. Cut the crap. He’s married. You should understand that and back off now


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Again, if you go through with this you have no integrity. You push boundaries. You are dishonest. Uncaring, untrustworthy and selfish. You won’t be happy until you’re the “ victim” when his wife finds out and kicks your ass line you need it kicked.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I also said at the end of my message but we need regular time. He is going to find a good time and let me know


I thought you just previously stated you weren’t going to be meeting him again…? Please clarify!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

14 pages of going around in circles. I hope this guy can fend OP off. She’s determined.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> How is it childish to say I think it is better to speak in person rather than over the phone when I know he is really busy ?


Do you even hear yourself?


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> I thought you just previously stated you weren’t going to be meeting him again…? Please clarify!


Yes I am not going to, that message was sent to me yesterday. My thoughts are a bit clearer now


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s busy and doesn’t want to see you. Let this go. You can’t undo this


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Ok - so if he does know exactly what I was meaning and that what I was saying was a huge embarrassing come on - how come he still said happy to continue and that he will let me know when we can meet . Can you see this is making me think he is enjoying this somehow ?


Because someone made that part of his job so he has to do it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Just seriously leave this married man alone.
Ugh, get some serious mental help.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> He isn’t actually needing to mentor me at all. He ain’t even a professional mentor in any legitimate capacity , he is a colleague who I have grown close to who said he is happy to support me etc etc . Absolutely no reason for us to speak or communicate if we don’t want to


Then stop! This is nothing but a farce and you're making an ass out of yourself.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I live in Texas


They have at will employment and can fire you for no reason in Texas.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> You could be the bigger person. You could walk away. You could find someone single. And that would be great. But if you don’t you deserve everybit of karma you get. This isn’t a game. People will be wrecked. There is no harmless affair. It never is no strings attached. Just move on.


The thing that's probably already happened is that other people in her office have noticed that this is going on and will be gossiping about it and turning against her. If he's been there for a long time he'll still be there a long time from now. She's the one who's going to end up without a job. Of course the other thing that could happen is another old guy at the office could decide to try to take advantage of this situation and see what he can get off of you.

Don't think people don't know this and don't think people don't judge. And in this case they have a right to.


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because someone made that part of his job so he has to do it.


No , I am nothing to do with him at work and he has no responsibility to mentor me . He offered to


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The thing that's probably already happened is that other people in her office have noticed that this is going on and will be gossiping about it and turning against her. If he's been there for a long time he'll still be there a long time from now. She's the one who's going to end up without a job. Of course the other thing that could happen is another old guy at the office could decide to try to take advantage of this situation and see what he can get off of you.
> 
> Don't think people don't know this and don't think people don't judge. And in this case they have a right to.


Unless people can see our emails and texts how on earth would they know anything at all ? And what even is there ti know anyway


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> About 5 months ago, what does that matter ? I just am attracted to a man who is much older / I can’t help that


Well you need to mature enough that you can help it when it comes to married men because one of these days it's going to blow up in your face.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Unless people can see our emails and texts how on earth would they know anything at all ? And what even is there ti know anyway


I don't think you realize how obvious you are being and how suspicious the whole thing looks that you and he keep meeting in private. Most people are not that stupid that they can't put two and two together and most people are just suspicious enough that they're antenna goes up about any little thing in the office.


----------



## 356435 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't think you realize how obvious you are being and how suspicious the whole thing looks that you and he keep meeting in private. Most people are not that stupid that they can't put two and two together and most people are just suspicious enough that they're antenna goes up about any little thing in the office.


But if he is genuinely wanting to mentor professionally then it is only me that is thinking in to things in a way I shouldn’t be


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Unless people can see our emails and texts how on earth would they know anything at all ? And what even is there ti know anyway


If you don’t think people notice when a young gal is crushing on an older workmate you really are infantile.

What’s to know? It’s got to be obvious to anyone around that you are making a fool of yourself with this married man.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Unless people can see our emails and texts how on earth would they know anything at all ? And what even is there ti know anyway


Do you use your work email to communicate with him?


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't think you realize how obvious you are being and how suspicious the whole thing looks that you and he keep meeting in private. Most people are not that stupid that they can't put two and two together and most people are just suspicious enough that they're antenna goes up about any little thing in the office.


Meeting him at all when I don’t need to for my job is tricky and I have to put it as something else in my calendar or else it looks bad . We have been meeting up since last year


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Do you use your work email to communicate with him?


For work things yes , then text for more causal chat


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> If you don’t think people notice when a young gal is crushing on an older workmate you really are infantile.
> 
> What’s to know? It’s got to be obvious to anyone around that you are making a fool of yourself with this married man.


In that case , what about how he looks


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> For work things yes , then text for more causal chat


Good, because they'll be able to subpoena your phone records should you manage to destroy his marriage with your persistence.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good, because they'll be able to subpoena your phone records should you manage to destroy his marriage with your persistence.


If I back off now as I intend to , I won’t be wrecking anything will I.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> For work things yes , then text for more causal chat


It sounds like you work at a fairly large firm. It's highly likely that the IP dept of your firm could read your emails if management felt there was a reason to do so.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you work at a fairly large firm. It's highly likely that the IP dept of your firm could read your emails if management felt there was a reason to do so.


Why would management decide to look at my emails ? All they are saying is about work projects ti him or when we can both meet etc. nothing untoward on my emails - he is not stupid and has remarked on needing to be careful what is written etc


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> If I back off now as I intend to , I won’t be wrecking anything will I.


That's your best chance of not wrecking anything anyway.


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## 356435 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's your best chance of not wrecking anything anyway.


If I stop messaging him all should be ok I’m guessing


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Catsclaws00 said:


> If I stop messaging him all should be ok I’m guessing


Don't know but it's your best hope.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> I will do . And when he starts messaging and asking if all is ok (as I’m pretty sure he will if I gave him chance ) I will ignore that also


You don't need to ignore him -- you just need to keep all communications at a professional level. No more flirting, no more telling him about your feelings, etc...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Why would management decide to look at my emails ? All they are saying is about work projects ti him or when we can both meet etc. nothing untoward on my emails - he is not stupid and has remarked on needing to be careful what is written etc


Anything you do using work email belongs to the firm you work for. It is not private email. Emails sent or received through _a _company email account are generally not considered private. If you do something that the company feels is a problem, then they might look at your work email.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Meeting him at all when I don’t need to for my job is tricky and I have to put it as something else in my calendar or else it looks bad . We have been meeting up since last year


What do you mean by this? It sounds like you are already having sex with him if you need to be this sneaky.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Catsclaws00 said:


> In that case , what about how he looks


Why do you always do this? You deflect. You move your own responsibility into someone else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> Meeting him at all when I don’t need to for my job is tricky and I have to put it as something else in my calendar or else it looks bad . We have been meeting up since last year


How about any future mentoring takes phone or email?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Catsclaws00 said:


> If I stop messaging him all should be ok I’m guessing


Stop the texting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

356435 said:


> Meeting him at all when I don’t need to for my job is tricky and I have to put it as something else in my calendar or else it looks bad . We have been meeting up since last year


Why does anyone else see your calendar?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

356435 said:


> In that case , what about how he looks


What?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Why does anyone else see your calendar?


Same as work email. In my company IT can and does monitor emails. Our calendar and email is through accessed with Outlook. I can see anyone else's calendar and what the meeting is unless they mark it private. 

What doesn't make sense to me is why all the secrecy if he is acting like a mentor?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Why does anyone else see your calendar?


I’m curious about this too. We can see each other’s calendars in that we can see when others are booked, but we can’t see what the specific meetings are. It allows you to schedule meetings with someone when you know they’re free. We can also set up assistants to see their boss’ calendars as well as make changes to them. If she can see when he’s booked that’s normal, if she can see what the meetings are that’s odd.

In my company, emails aren’t “monitored” per se, but they are retained as records. HR can request to see emails with approvals from Legal. If they suspected something unethical was going on, HR would request to see her emails. It is generally not the case that someone from IT is reading someone’s emails, in most large companies we provide the information to HR but don’t look at it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m curious about this too. We can see each other’s calendars in that we can see when others are booked, but we can’t see what the specific meetings are. It allows you to schedule meetings with someone when you know they’re free. We can also set up assistants to see their boss’ calendars as well as make changes to them. If she can see when he’s booked that’s normal, if she can see what the meetings are that’s odd.


OP is doing something weird with scheduling meetings or she just made an oops.

You wouldn't "rename" a meeting if you create it with somebody to call it something that it isn't.

You might do that if you have an offline calendar or one that does not include the other person.

Being in a financial org, I'm doubting it's an offline or disconnected calendar.
So... she's scheduling meetings with her mentor but calling them something else in case someone sees the calendar?

hmm.
Color me skeptical.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

356435 said:


> Can anybody help , does it sound like he knows that I’m thinking of him as more than a mentor and if so why is he going along with it ? Thanks for reading.


I don't care what he is thinking. He is married. Stop it.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

356435 said:


> He is the married one, I am single . He shouldn’t be encouraging/ allowing this to continue


So you are the one actually being inappropriate.....but he is the one with the problem? He shouldn't be encouraging this? You shouldn't be trying to hook up with someone else's husband.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> OP is doing something weird with scheduling meetings or she just made an oops.
> 
> You wouldn't "rename" a meeting if you create it with somebody to call it something that it isn't.
> 
> ...


His assistant can likely see his calendar. This entire scenario is a bit fanciful. You can rename meetings, I’ve done it, but why?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> His assistant can likely see his calendar. This entire scenario is a bit fanciful. You can rename meetings, I’ve done it, but why?


I guess my main point is that you wouldn't rename a meeting with someone, especially someone with an assistant (maybe I missed where he had that) to something like what? ... "doing my hair"? "Meeting with <someone else>"? "Discuss <unrelated project>?" It wouldn't make sense to the mentor or his assistant, or anyone else that he has allowed access to view his calendar. I gave my whole team access to view mine (I value transparency).

Sure you can rename. But to your point...'why'. Still skeptical.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

356435 said:


> Why would management decide to look at my emails ? All they are saying is about work projects ti him or when we can both meet etc. nothing untoward on my emails - he is not stupid and has remarked on needing to be careful what is written etc


If you persist, and something does happen, and his wife finds out, as I hope she does, and decides to take it to your employer since you are in a subordinate position, the company will likely need to verify because they will terminate him since his is in a position of authority over you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> If you persist, and something does happen, and his wife finds out, as I hope she does, and decides to take it to your employer since you are in a subordinate position, the company will likely need to verify because they will terminate him since his is in a position of authority over you.


Do you think so? I've NEVER seen that (not saying it doesn't happen, I do work in industries that are pretty good old boy type places). I've seen women be fired but never men. Men get called on the carpet for causing drama at work, and there's a report with HR. We had a big blow up at my company, a secretary was sleeping with a guy AND his boss. The guy's wife found out, divorced him and called his boss to tell his boss why, which is how the BOSS found out the secretary was cheating on him with his employee (the only unmarried person in this scenario is the secretary). They fired the secretary after giving her a big "severance" (hush money so the boss didn't have to pay for a divorce), and the guy got written up for "inappropriate behavior."

It did make for some scandalous gossip in the breakroom. 😉 😋


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would just email him thanking him for his mentoring and say that you dont think you need that any more. Then move on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

103 posts in 11 hours. OMG!


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Do you think so? I've NEVER seen that (not saying it doesn't happen, I do work in industries that are pretty good old boy type places). I've seen women be fired but never men.


Depends on how seriously the company is afraid of a lawsuit.

Case in point where I worked. Consensual relationship between a subordinate(woman) and a man in a position of authority. Company attorney was consulted, and even though it was consensual, if she was fired, she could have brought suit against the company for not protecting her from someone in a position of authority. So they fired him since he was a boss.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Depends on how seriously the company is afraid of a lawsuit.
> 
> Case in point where I worked. Consensual relationship between a subordinate(woman) and a man in a position of authority. Company attorney was consulted, and even though it was consensual, if she was fired, she could have brought suit against the company for not protecting her from someone in a position of authority. So they fired him since he was a boss.


This particular company had an 8-figure budget line item for settling court cases, so I guess they weren't too worried. They did pay her off, they just called it severance. It was likely "We can give you this money to go away, or you can hire and pay an attorney and share the settlement with that person."


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

356435 said:


> I thought this was just a general relationship discussion for anything at all


True, it is.

However, most people that are here have suffered at the hands of people like you and aren't going to be thrilled that someone who has no problem wanting to bed other people's husbands/wives is here telling this selfish story, especially from someone who is writing it like it is coming from some twitterpated 16 year old.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

356435 said:


> Maybe that is true , I would hope he would say happy to continue but let’s keep things structured / progressional etc . Are texts are extremely familiar , not even a hi


If I was working with someone and even if I thought they had designs on me, I'd be hesitant to tell them that we need to keep it professional....because if I misread the signals I might just get something like, "you thought I want to sleep with you? How arrogant???" So someone would want to make damn sure before telling a colleague something like that.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

356435 said:


> Today when I suggested getting a proper mentor through a proper channel he just laughed and said happy to continue . *That was me trying ti say to him shall we stop this now* / is he fed up etc


Oh FFS, stop ***** footing around and get to the point instead of speaking in code and expecting him to pick up on it. You are intentionally NOT telling him exactly WHAT you are stopping because you don't want it to stop. 

This wasn't you trying to tell him in an indirect way that the flirtations should stop. This is you fishing for a reaction in hopes that it does continue.

Too bad someone at the company doesn't know what is going on and tells his wife. That'll stop it if nothing does.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why did Cats user name change? Does she have two accounts?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Quit the constant “ he can quit” be a professional do your job and move on. My husband had women that threw themselves at coworkers. It was obvious and pathetic. Trashy humans people pitied and kept away from. Desperation reeks. You don’t want the scent of a hovering hopeful piece of ass


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

356435 said:


> Yes - I do want to have sex with him. I don’t want him to leave his wife and I don’t want people to say I am awesome. I have fallen for him and just want to see where it might lead . I don’t want any commitment from him at all


Really?

Wow, mods, @MattMatt, @EleGirl, I implore you.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> This is awful.
> 
> What do you think his wife would say if she saw this?
> 
> What do you think his kids would say if they saw this?


I wish she would and pay her a visit. 



> Do you think your impulsive desires are worth what will happen to these people? All because you got a case of the feels?


She doesn't care. She's selfish.



> Put yourself in the shoes of his wife. What would you think if someone like you was saying all of these things?


Oh, she already tried to insinuate he isn't getting his needs met, so I'm sure she'd like to post that it wouldn't happen to her because she'd meet his need and be better than the wife who has been with the guy for years.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

356435 said:


> We usually find a quiet office and we are always alone when we talk, never around anyone else so he obviously feels comfortable doing that


What you are NOT getting is this has nothing, and I mean nothing to do, with what this married dude is trying to do. 

This is about what YOU'RE trying to do and that's to have sex with this guy and hopefully have an affair with him.

Again why?
Why a married man?
Why a man who works at your place of employment?
Why risk your job?
Why risk your livelihood?
Why risk your reputation?

I've read your comments, and to be blunt, nothing anyone is saying to you is sinking in. My take away is you don't appear to be the sharpest tool in the shed. You're like a little high school girl who's all giddy because someone is paying attention to you.

My advice is to grow the F up!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beach123 said:


> Why did Cats user name change? Does she have two accounts?


It looks like she changed her email address, and the system is waiting for her to respond to the verification email sent to her. I've seen this before where the system changes the username until the new email address is verified.

If Cats is having problems with the site, she needs to create a new account and contact me. I'll help fix it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> 103 posts in 11 hours. OMG!


How this thread, silly as it seems anyway, got 16 pages in 11 hrs is unbelievable.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How this thread, silly as it seems anyway, got 16 pages in 11 hrs is unbelievable.


The poster is getting exactly what they wanted, I’m sure.

Anyway, since things like this do actually happen in real life, I think the OP or anyone considering the things OP is might want to read threads such as the one in this very same section of the forum started by a woman, wife, and mother of 4 very young children was just deserted by her husband for some young thing at his workplace. It sounds like she has been a wonderful wife and mother, but I can only imagine the lies that her husband was telling his new object of desire at work to make her believe his wife was just an ugly old hag, nagging him day and night and withholding sex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> The poster is getting exactly what they wanted, I’m sure.
> 
> Anyway, since things like this do actually happen in real life, I think the OP or anyone considering the things OP is might want to read threads such as the one in this very same section of the forum started by a woman, wife, and mother of 4 very young children was just deserted by her husband for some young thing at his workplace. It sounds like she has been a wonderful wife and mother, but I can only imagine the lies that her husband was telling his new object of desire at work to make her believe his wife was just an ugly old hag, nagging him day and night and withholding sex.


It's just not that complicated a topic. Best wishes for the W and all that though. 

OP, don't be surprised when you're let go from this job. 
Are you trying to set up a sexual harassment situation to bring up at work, in the near future?


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It's just not that complicated a topic. Best wishes for the W and all that though.
> 
> OP, don't be surprised when you're let go from this job.
> Are you trying to set up a sexual harassment situation to bring up at work, in the near future?


I was thinking that it’s just not that realistic of a topic. I have a hard time believing somebody who isn’t married would come to this site and post this. I think this person is very happy at how many responses this thread is getting because their true intention was not to really get any advice.


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## Mr What Knot (6 mo ago)

Other person you posted the same thread a while ago on lovesh..k. People gave u advice and they ended up telling u that you wasting time as youf thread kept going round in circles. What exactly are u expecting to hear here thats different from LS?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

High and dry said:


> I was thinking that it’s just not that realistic of a topic. I have a hard time believing somebody who isn’t married would come to this site and post this. I think this person is very happy at how many responses this thread is getting because their true intention was not to really get any advice.


People come to TAM and post situations similar to this fairly often. It's not easy to find a forum where people actually respond to posters.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How this thread, silly as it seems anyway, got 16 pages in 11 hrs is unbelievable.


y’all are welcome. I’m sure I made one page alone lol. Sad.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

drencrom said:


> Depends on how seriously the company is afraid of a lawsuit.
> 
> Case in point where I worked. Consensual relationship between a subordinate(woman) and a man in a position of authority. Company attorney was consulted, and even though it was consensual, if she was fired, she could have brought suit against the company for not protecting her from someone in a position of authority. So they fired him since he was a boss.


Another case, on point: Consensual relationship between a female executive assistant and a married male executive (CEO). She was fired, his wife filed for divorce, he had to take out a _large_ loan to buy wife out of her share of the company (50% of his stock, he was an original partner in the company). His name was mud amongst the other partners (me, et al), we forced him to sign an agreement that stipulated "no more executive assistants" and if a workplace affair happened in the future he would forfeit 50% of his shares and resign. We also made him pay legal fees when the paramour sued (she lost).

I voted, on the executive board, to force him out (a buy-out) immediately however I was out voted.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Red Sonja said:


> Another case, on point: Consensual relationship between a female executive assistant and a married male executive (CEO). She was fired, his wife filed for divorce, he had to take out a _large_ loan to buy wife out of her share of the company (50% of his stock, he was an original partner in the company). His name was mud amongst the other partners (me, et al), we forced him to sign an agreement that stipulated "no more executive assistants" and if a workplace affair happened in the future he would forfeit 50% of his shares and resign. We also made him pay legal fees when the paramour sued (she lost).
> 
> I voted, on the executive board, to force him out (a buy-out) immediately however I was out voted.


Hahaha  

+1 Sonja, flaming red!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> y’all are welcome. I’m sure I made one page alone lol. Sad.


On your death bed, you’re going to wish you had this time back 🤣. I wasted about a page also. FML


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> On your death bed, you’re going to wish you had this time back 🤣. I wasted about a page also. FML


I’m dead 😆😆


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

People come here and they ignore the wisdom/advice passed along to them. They just want to hear that what they're doing is ok. No matter how wrong they are.

With that said do what you've been planning all along. If this man is such a low life that he cheats on his wife with you than the two of you deserve each other. We've been trying to get you to wake up and see how messed up your thinking is but you are going to do what you're going to do.

If the two of you make this relationship sexual I hope you both get everything (and I mean everything) you have coming to you.

We've been trying to wake you up to keep you from F'ing up your life. Exercise in futility. Some people (for example YOU) need to learn the hard way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OP requested that her account be deleted. So it's banned.


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