# Sex and reconciliation



## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

*25 years married. 10 not sleeping on same bed... 3 years physically separated, due to extended family matters and covid, but not officially for the extended family neither. 
Our story is full of errors and mistakes. Our two adult kids, now, suffered the ups and downs of our relationship. He is 61. I am 51. My husband drinking problem progressed. Specially when I stopped sleeping in the same bed. As a daughter of an alcoholic father the smell that emanates from the body triggers me, from anyone who has that smell. I just can't handle it and makes me uncomfortable and upset. My husband never wanted to admit that he had a problem. I shut down and throughout the years things got worse. I have never stopped loving him. I still do and even though the last three years we were separated, we looked forward to see each other for the holidays. On his birthday last year, my sister send him a birthday wish, and in return by mistake, she received a few kind of romantic texts that were supposed to be for another woman. My sister told me and my life sunk. I thought he was going to be honest about things like that, since we were not officially separated for anyone. I confronted him but with proof, so how could he deny it... He told me that it wasn't what I was thinking and the only thing he said to the therapist was that that relationship was mostly through texts. To me that was a wake up call!
Long story short, I told him that I needed a divorce to really move on. He didn't want to divorce. We started the roller coster of the process of divorce mediation. Later after having a long talk and making us aware of the love we still have for each other, decided not to divorce and make it work. We both decided to do whatever it took to reconcile and work in our marriage.
It's been a month and we will have our second therapy session. We seem to be doing better at caring for each other and acknowledging our efforts to make each other happy but we are still sleeping in separate rooms. He holds my hand in public, gives me a kiss on the lips, hugs me and he wants to comes to my bed at night and hugs me, sleeps a little next to me but he says that he is not ready to have sex yet. But that he will. 
He says that he is very attracted to me, I can attest when I feel his heart racing when he hugs me tight, but then he pulls back. He says that it's psychological. He still feels the pain of all these years not being in the same bed and pain that I caused him and I am just "assuming" that he connected emotionally with this other person who, he said, he didn't have intention to live with her either. 
When I ask him about how he feels about it, he says that with the help of therapy he's sure he will get there, but I feel so alone and unwanted at the same time. He tells me that he is very happy with me. We are making plans for the future and he even asked me to help him stop drinking, because he recognized now that his drinking problem played a huge role in the breaking of our marriage. I agreed.
He hasn't have an alcoholic drink since then and I see he relays on me to help him when he gets the urge, I am there to help him replace that urge with something healthy. He doesn't want me to visit our kids, nor leave him alone right now. He wants me to be here with him by his side and continue to work on our new marriage. All that has been great. I am extremely happy for that but one thing I am worry about is that I feel he will never want to be intimate with me again, even though he says he will...
Am I worry for nothing? Is it too soon? Am I over reacting? Should I be more patient? 
I feel lost because after all he was the one who looked for comfort somewhere else, while supposedly being separate, and I am willing to forgo that relationship he had/has... to bring us back and continue our narrative of our lives. Any thought? Help? Advise?*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m sorry that you still have feelings for him. You are headed down the road that leads to pain and regret. If only you could see it as clearly as someone from the outside. Honey you should run …. He is worthless.


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m sorry that you still have feelings for him. You are headed down the road that leads to pain and regret. If only you could see it as clearly as someone from the outside. Honey you should run …. He is worthless.



Can you elaborate, please?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Destrozada said:


> *25 years married. 10 not sleeping on same bed... 3 years physically separated, due to extended family matters and covid, but not officially for the extended family neither.
> Our story is full of errors and mistakes. Our two adult kids, now, suffered the ups and downs of our relationship. My husband drinking problem progressed. Specially when I stopped sleeping in the same bed. As a daughter of an alcoholic father the smell that emanates from the body triggered me. I just can't handle it and makes me upset. My husband never wanted to admit that he had a problem. I shut down and throughout the years things got worse. I have never stopped loving him. I still do and even though the last three years we were separated, we look. forward to see each other for the holidays. On his birthday last year, my sister send him a birthday wish, and in return by mistake, she received a few kind of romantic texts that were supposed to be for another woman. My sister told me and my life sunk. I thought he was going to be honest about things like that, since we were not officially separated for anyone. I confronted him but with proof, so how could he deny it... He told me that it wasn't what I was thinking and the only thing he said to the therapist was that that relationship was mostly through texts. To me I think that was a wake up call!
> Long story short, after I told him that I needed a divorce to really move on, the starting roller coster of the process of divorce mediation, and later have a long talk and making us aware of the love we still have for each other, decided not to divorce and make it work. We both decided to do whatever it took to reconcile. and work in our marriage.
> It's been a month and we will have our second therapy session. We seem to be doing better at caring for each other and acknowledging our efforts to make each other happy but we are still sleeping in separate rooms. He holds my hand in public, gives me a kiss on the lips, hugs me and he wants to comes to my bed at night and hugs me, sleeps a little next to me but he says that he is not ready to have sex yet. But that he will.
> ...


This was a hard read for me.
I get upset when men aren't proper men to their ladies.
I've had my own share of being that man so it's kind of a trigger.


I tend to be pro-marriage. You have to want to married before moving down that path. Are you certain that you want to stay with him? I'm not sure you'll have a choice but you need to be clear about what you want for yourself. I'm seriously afraid this might not have a pleasant ending for you based on your description of his actions.

Are you 100% sure the other woman is out of his life? No contact with her at all? Not seeing each other on the street, no texting, nothing? That's absolutely critical before you stand a chance. Otherwise his heart will always be split and his emotions will be drawn right back into that affair.

The 'no sex' thing is a red flag to me (58m). Why would he need a buildup to get there? Why would there be something psychological? I mean, sure it's possible but _highly_ suspicious. That emotional attachment to the other woman is messing with him and I'm not sure he has let it go. He's not in a very good place for reconciliation and will likely hurt you again unless he changes his thinking.

Last then I'll stop... the drinking. It's good that he wants to stop, I would advise you tackle that with everything you can. Alcohol is probably enabling some of his bad actions and should be banned from his life forever. Don't give in on this point, he has proven he will act badly when drinking.

I really hope the best for you. But I fear that you should start bracing yourself for the worst.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Not sleeping in the same bed for 10 years and being separated for 3...that is very hard to come back from. Is it worth it?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You want someone that will fight for you and WANT to be with you. If you have to fight to MAKE someone want you then you are headed completely down the wrong ride. He is still seeing the other woman. You are totally wasting your time on this guy if you ask me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you think he’s capable of sex at this point?


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> This was a hard read for me.
> I get upset when men aren't proper men to their ladies.
> I've had my own share of being that man so it's kind of a trigger.
> 
> ...


Let me clarify that we spent those last 3 years in the country I am from. With one of our kid studying there. We have some business there too. He is white. Swedish descendant. This small town is a typical touristic town where expats live, hang out and own restaurants and bars. Once you've seen the attractions this city has to offer, there's nothing else than bars, bars and bars and women trying to get a guy to get them out of there... And you get to know the affairs and cheating of the people living there too. Many families have been broken apart in this city. He met that woman there, while he went back after the pandemic, and I was here in the US. In the two last years, he has been there two times one week where she is and the rest in other places and he has seen her briefly those two times and communicate with her only through texts in his broken Spanish because she doesn't speak English. And that, during our first session they were still texting each other. That's what he told the therapist. But seeing see each other, no. Texting? Maybe. I don't know. But we did discuss that if we wanted this to work we had to make the commitment to leave everything and anything that could jeopardize behind., and he did say that he was willing to do whatever it took him to save our marriage. So, we are leaving that topic to discuss it with the therapist. 
Up to this day, he has been caring and helps around the house without asking. Thing that he never did or care before those 10 years. I can see the change and I can see how willing he is to stop drinking. I see him happy doing things he didn't care before. That's the reason why I want to believe him but it's that "no sex yet" thing makes me anxious. Reason why I am leaving that topic to discuss it with the therapist. Thoughts?


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Do you think he’s capable of sex at this point?



I don't know. He was experiencing erectile dysfunction 10 years ago... Alcohol was part of the problem too.


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> You want someone that will fight for you and WANT to be with you. If you have to fight to MAKE someone want you then you are headed completely down the wrong ride. He is still seeing the other woman. You are totally wasting your time on this guy if you ask me.



Ok. Thanks for your oppinion.


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Not sleeping in the same bed for 10 years and being separated for 3...that is very hard to come back from. Is it worth it?


That's what I am trying to figuring out here... I know couples who have saved their marriages after worse than that...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Destrozada said:


> Let me clarify that we spent those last 3 years in the country I am from. With one of our kid studying there. We have some business there too. He is white. Swedish descendant. This small town is a typical touristic town where expats live, hang out and own restaurants and bars. Once you've seen the attractions this city has to offer, there's nothing else than bars, bars and bars and women trying to get a guy to get them out of there... And you get to know the affairs and cheating of the people living there too. Many families have been broken apart in this city. He met that woman there, while he went back after the pandemic, and I was here in the US. In the two last years, he has been there two times one week where she is and the rest in other places and he has seen her briefly those two times and communicate with her only through texts in his broken Spanish because she doesn't speak English. And that, during our first session they were still texting each other. That's what he told the therapist. But seeing see each other, no. Texting? Maybe. I don't know. But we did discuss that if we wanted this to work we had to make the commitment to leave everything and anything that could jeopardize behind., and he did say that he was willing to do whatever it took him to save our marriage. So, we are leaving that topic to discuss it with the therapist.
> Up to this day, he has been caring and helps around the house without asking. Thing that he never did or care before those 10 years. I can see the change and I can see how willing he is to stop drinking. I see him happy doing things he didn't care before. That's the reason why I want to believe him but it's that "no sex yet" thing makes me anxious. Reason why I am leaving that topic to discuss it with the therapist. Thoughts?


It sounds like good signs as far as his actions go.

Texting the other woman MUST stop. On an emotional level if he's connected at all to her it will destroy your marriage. He has to break that connection.

The 'no sex' issue could be a lot of reasons including ED. Also among the reasons are because of his continuing emotional attachment to OW. I know this for a fact because I was once in his shoes. I couldn't perform with my wife because I had another woman waiting (which I had no trouble performing with). <don't hate me, I am very much reformed for many many years>

I don't have a good feeling about the no sex issue. If it is ED then a doctor can likely help.
He visited this OW and I would bet he had no problem with sex with her.
He should be scrambling to try to figure out what is happening. But it sounds like he's not which shows you a lot about his priorities.

Don't be fooled by him. From your description I smell a rat. Watch everything! Check his phone for texts. Make SURE that he's not still connected to her.

Are you sure you want to put yourself through this?
Is he worth it?


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It sounds like good signs as far as his actions go.
> 
> Texting the other woman MUST stop. On an emotional level if he's connected at all to her it will destroy your marriage. He has to break that connection.
> 
> ...



I don't know! I want to give him the benefit of the doubt too.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Destrozada said:


> I don't know! I want to give him the benefit of the doubt too.


Sleep on it, you don't have to decide everything at this minute.

Ask yourself "if he turns it around and becomes a model husband, can you be happy with him?"

Personally I would have a hard time because violation of trust and going to another woman would be soul crushing to me.
But everyone is different.

My first wife cheated on me and I forgave her. I rugswept the whole thing and tried to believe what she told me.
That was the worst decision of my life because she did it again repeatedly and horribly.

I'm not saying he will, but you have to know it is a risk.
Once lying and deceit is in their playbook, how will you know if they pull it out again?

If you can accept the risk and think you can be happy, then I will root for you and hope it turns out great.
Take some time, then decide what you think.

You can always change your mind later, but then you've prolonged the agony.
Sorry, there's no great choices here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Another one in need of help...


51 years old, 25 years married (sort of), 2 adult kids. Trying to keep marriage together...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Another one in need of help...
> 
> 
> 51 years old, 25 years married (sort of), 2 adult kids. Trying to keep marriage together...
> ...


Maybe merge them?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Maybe merge them?





BeyondRepair007 said:


> Maybe merge them?


@EleGirl can you merge, please? Thanks.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If your marriage hangs on whether they had sex or not, I can tell you from experience you’re not likely to get the truth. Why? Because it doesn’t benefit him to tell you. I was married for 45 years to a serial cheater who, he claimed when I confronted him, may have had a “good friend” here and there but that was it. Never once did he admit anything beyond what I could prove and even then he tried to spin it. Cheaters lie and lie and lie. If you want to reconcile you’ll need to do it based on what you feel you can live with but the truth will likely not be part of that.


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Sleep on it, you don't have to decide everything at this minute.
> 
> Ask yourself "if he turns it around and becomes a model husband, can you be happy with him?"
> 
> ...





BeyondRepair007 said:


> Sleep on it, you don't have to decide everything at this minute.
> 
> Ask yourself "if he turns it around and becomes a model husband, can you be happy with him?"
> 
> ...



We are going to couples therapy, because he suggested it. He is having counseling also on his drinking problem, because he wanted it. If things don't work out at the end at least we did what we could and we would part understanding the whole situation better and with the emotional help from a therapist. But I do hope that we could mend and repair it. Many couples survive these issues and because of the issues, they have a better relationship. It takes work for a married couple maintain alive many, many thing after 10 years of marriage. Some call it quits without counseling and they get into another relationship straight to fail again because the issues weren't resolve. 
We'll see. I guess time will tell. It was good to hear different perspectives.


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If your marriage hangs on whether they had sex or not, I can tell you from experience you’re not likely to get the truth. Why? Because it doesn’t benefit him to tell you. I was married for 45 years to a serial cheater who, he claimed when I confronted him, may have had a “good friend” here and there but that was it. Never once did he admit anything beyond what I could prove and even then he tried to spin it. Cheaters lie and lie and lie. If you want to reconcile you’ll need to do it based on what you feel you can live with but the truth will likely not be part of that.



Did you ever go to couples therapy?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Destrozada said:


> Did you ever go to couples therapy?


That was before I ever knew couples therapy existed but I can’t imagine that he would have gone. He knew he had family-of-origin issues but he mostly used them as an excuse for his behavior. I’ll never know for certain all that he did, and I put up with a lot over the decades because I believed in my marriage, but eventually I realized he would never change. I strongly suggest you don’t ever trust your husband 100% again. I did and I deeply regret it. Always be aware of what could happen.

ETA: Cheaters often lie to therapists as well.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Its difficult to say if the problem is rooted in his psychology. I mean every person is different, and for him to be intimate with you, maybe he requires the right mindset. Its like say, unable to perform sex when you're upset or something. So my advice would be to give him time, body signals don't lie, if you feel his heart racing when he hugs you etc, he obviously feels some sort of way. Maybe he's working something through on how he is feeling. So yes, my advice to you would be to be a little patient. If the rest of the changes have been made, Im sure this one will come too.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Something I pulled from all of this: he doesn’t want you visiting the kids, and wants you near him all the time?


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Good




Destrozada said:


> *25 years married. 10 not sleeping on same bed... 3 years physically separated, due to extended family matters and covid, but not officially for the extended family neither.
> Our story is full of errors and mistakes. Our two adult kids, now, suffered the ups and downs of our relationship. He is 61. I am 51. My husband drinking problem progressed. Specially when I stopped sleeping in the same bed. As a daughter of an alcoholic father the smell that emanates from the body triggers me, from anyone who has that smell. I just can't handle it and makes me uncomfortable and upset. My husband never wanted to admit that he had a problem. I shut down and throughout the years things got worse. I have never stopped loving him. I still do and even though the last three years we were separated, we looked forward to see each other for the holidays. On his birthday last year, my sister send him a birthday wish, and in return by mistake, she received a few kind of romantic texts that were supposed to be for another woman. My sister told me and my life sunk. I thought he was going to be honest about things like that, since we were not officially separated for anyone. I confronted him but with proof, so how could he deny it... He told me that it wasn't what I was thinking and the only thing he said to the therapist was that that relationship was mostly through texts. To me that was a wake up call!
> Long story short, I told him that I needed a divorce to really move on. He didn't want to divorce. We started the roller coster of the process of divorce mediation. Later after having a long talk and making us aware of the love we still have for each other, decided not to divorce and make it work. We both decided to do whatever it took to reconcile and work in our marriage.
> It's been a month and we will have our second therapy session. We seem to be doing better at caring for each other and acknowledging our efforts to make each other happy but we are still sleeping in separate rooms. He holds my hand in public, gives me a kiss on the lips, hugs me and he wants to comes to my bed at night and hugs me, sleeps a little next to me but he says that he is not ready to have sex yet. But that he will.
> ...


Hi, you are making progress see a John gottman therapist see his website for you both. ONLY SEE A GOTTMAN CERTIFIED THERAPIST. CHANCE of divorce is higher with one's that are not. If the person is A lcpc or msw, do not see them. Go gottmam method. The Alcoholic, should seek separate therapist in conjunction. He is doing well, but need other peers.
Seek how to relate to him in recovery. If you become a caregiver more than a loving spouse, you will despise him and divorce. He will feel less than a man at that time- there is no saving the relationship.


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## MikaGold (11 mo ago)

Hello, 

I feel happy both of you are trying to work it out and going to couple's therapy. It's been a long marriage and you can be married forever if it works out now. 

Personally I would be affected psychologically if my partner wasn't sleeping in the same bed with me for 10 years. Knowing my actions and smell disgusted the partner enough to do that. I'd be traumatised. These things are extremely difficult to speak about. Uncomfortable, and if he's blocked, he's not ready or it's not the time yet. 

If he is an example husband now, give all you got for him. Including no judgment, only understanding. Don't reminisce the past if you're trying to move from it. You can feel the difference if someone is 100 in or not. 

1 month therapy or so is a very short time. 
I feel he is willing to have sex with you. He's had some blockages. 
Maybe he hasn't healed from it and the therapy will help but it takes time. You can't put pressure on healing if he is already doing his best. If he needs guidance, maybe he should go by himself to talk it out with a professional? It seems like trauma. 

I feel you are not at fault at present same with him


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## MikaGold (11 mo ago)

David60525 said:


> Good
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Perfect advice 
I agree 100


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Note:* Other therapists and other equally successful counselling paradigms are available.


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Something I pulled from all of this: he doesn’t want you visiting the kids, and wants you near him all the time?


Well, I practically rejected for 10 years... I slept in a different bed. Talking to my therapist I realized that I was going through depression and I didn't get any care... "You checked out" were my husband words last time we had a heart to heart conversation. Through therapy I started to find myself again. Reason why we are trying to work thing out. So far so good. He said to the therapist and to me that he feels that he is getting there (to be intimate with me). He feels that he is re-connecting with me emotionally. Our kids are fine. I just wanted to help them with the moving to another apartment... y husband doesn't want me to leave him alone. He wants me to be with him and not all the time. He works from home and I do leave the house during the mornings. He wants us to spend quality time. I think that's the marriage he and I wanted to have after all. Hopefully intimacy doesn't take that long. It hurts me thinking that I am his wife and that it's hard for him to trust me again.


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

David60525 said:


> Good
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We have, actually, a great therapist who is trained by The Gottman Institute. He is great and has help us identify and helped us with tools so we can speak and have a better communication skills. It has help a lot. He tells me that he is very happy and that he is starting to feel the connection he has with me and between the two of us. He is very positive that we will have a full marital relationship. I don't want to push it. I guess that makes him feel more secure. He is just afraid that things will change and I will "check out" like he told me he felt about me in the past. I re-assure him that therapy helped me so much and that I no longer am that person that I was, that honestly, I can't even recognize that I behave that way...


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> You want someone that will fight for you and WANT to be with you. If you have to fight to MAKE someone want you then you are headed completely down the wrong ride. He is still seeing the other woman. You are totally wasting your time on this guy if you ask me.


No, he is not seeing this woman. She doesn't live in this country. He has seen her 3 time in 3 years. The last one was to tell her that he was going to work things out with his wife and to stop texting him. She knew he was separated but still married. And not justifying him but he did tried to work thing out with me for the past 7 years. His drinking and my issues didn't let me. That's why I am trying to get him back. And things have really changed since we've been together. He hasn't drank, he's been helpful around the house, helping to cook, clean, get groceries...things that he never ever, did in the past. He has been "there"


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