# How have you grown from being on TAM?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I haven't been here long, but I sure am learning a lot. 

My mind is being opened. I have read things here that have made me a lot less judgmental. I am seeing that people cannot really change their fundamental natures. I think more and more that people really need to just accept themselves and not try to be something they are not.

And I am really skeptical about all this alpha male stuff.

I am being forced to be more honest with myself, and to face painful truths. This honesty is making me more compassionate with other people. I don't feel I can be open and public about my misdeeds, but I sure appreciate reading the stories of the brave people who can. You're really educating all of us. And maybe someday we'll pluck up our courage and other people will learn from us, too.

How have you grown?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I discovered the five love languages and his needs her needs and read a lot of wise words from others.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm a big believer that anyone will essentially find what they are looking for here.

Sometimes that's a very very good thing. You can be introspective, learn and grow. Or ... you can come here and feed your pain and bitterness by learning that what happened to you, has happened to many many others.

The alpha male stuff gets lots and lots of negative press. Understandably sometimes. I personally don't even much refer to it in that way. I like referring to the experience of becoming a better man. But ... THAT is pretty much what I learned. 

And yes, I was skeptical too.

Virtually everything about my life, and how I conduct it is better than it was when I first came here, so there you have it.


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## ella1048 (Apr 11, 2013)

I've grown from this webiste....alot...

I'm married to an angry man...I didn't see this side of him til we had our child.........

and...for now, I wish to stay...

and...this WEBSITE has taught me mechanisms (more than therapy) for learning to confront his behavior when he's nasty...and when to walk away and when to revisit things....

I used to be so so scared of him....

but...

I've learned to stand up to someone who loves ENJOYS picking fights....

It's a skilll

and I couldn't do it w/o the support I've recevied from TAM...

Ella


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The Alpha Male stuff: I don't think I'm exaggerating to say learning this stuff and implementing it, where necessary, without fundamentally changing who I am, has improved my life and my marriage immensely.

I thank TAM and many of the regular posters here for giving me a red-pill education about married life.

I've learned that one shouldn't assume that your spouse can never cheat. Everyone, to varying degrees, is capable of unfaithfulness under certain circumstances.

I've learned to not to be lazy with my appearance. Dressing well keeps the attraction levels up. As the years tick by in a marriage, it's so easy to fall into a rut and get sloppy. 

Same thing goes for fitness. I now have a 32" waist and a 46" chest. Pretty close to what Machiavelli (the poster here) talks about, the "golden ratio." I knew I was on the right track when my wife told me at the gym to "stop working out so hard, I'm afraid one of these young hotties are going to scoop you up." My wife is very aware that it wouldn't be difficult for me, if I were single, to be successful dating younger and hotter women. Before TAM, I had a 36" waist, and got pretty much zero looks from other women when out. My wife's much more attracted to me now then in my fat days. And she notices the looks I now get. And she also frequently remarks that almost all of her friends are married to overweight men. Thanks to TAM, I'm now aware of "Sexual Market Value" and the importance of making sure you don't fall well below your spouse's SMV.

I've also learned from TAM to be more decisive and firm. To be a better leader of the family, and to be calm and cool rather than rant and rave, and to be a guy who doesn't take crap from anyone. It's obvious these are traits my wife is attracted to.

Edit: I've also learned a lot about the importance of establishing boundaries. Neither of us had any boundaries before, and I firmly believe that led her to conducting an EA and it also led to me not stopping the EA early on. Now we have rules of conduct established with regard to the opposite sex. Thanks to TAM for illustrating the potential destructiveness of opposite sex friendships.

Truly valuable life-education contained at this site.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

It's not all about the baby, as it probably would have been had I not read about this phenomenon on TAM. Baby is loved and cared for by both of us. And both of us are loved and cared for by each othe, even though I'm sleep deprived and going through a recent onset of LD. It will get better.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Although I've hardly posted in it, I usually read the financial section of TAM and I have learned quite a lot from an article posted there about money in marriage two years ago.

It opened my eyes to my " money personality " type and helped me correct certain deficiencies I had.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Refinement. I made some subtle adjustments to how I relate to my wife, such as paying more attention to how she wants to be loved, instead of how I want to love her. I also realized our marriage, while having its share of fights and stress, is in a lot better shape than many, and that sometimes one should be happy for what one has and let the little things go. An argument over who said what becomes a lot less important when you compare it to people dealing with cheating, abuse, emotional alienation, and mismatched sex drives, and we've had none of that. Keeping that in mind helps me to laugh off the minor annoyances.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I like to read the husband's posts. It gives me an insight to what my DH might be thinking without draining him with questions.


Thank you TAM husband's, because of your insight and advice on men's sexual needs and desires, my DH is getting laid a lot more!! Sorry I couldn't resist


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Best Lesson: Owning my "Piece of Sh*t" Tendencies.

Learning the role I play(ed) in communication breakdowns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> Best Lesson: Owning my "Piece of Sh*t" Tendencies.
> *
> Learning the role I play(ed) in communication breakdowns.*


That's^^^ something important I also learned here.


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## Bushman1972 (Dec 30, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> That's^^^ something important I also learned here.


 Ditto here too!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Best Lesson: Owning my "Piece of Sh*t" Tendencies.
> 
> Learning the role I play(ed) in communication breakdowns.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I couldn't have put it better myself.

I am also learning to love myself and others. To accept who I am with all my faults and greatness.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I have not been here long....my husband joined earlier this year. I had a very brief affair thirty years ago...we never separated and have been working on Reconciliation ever since. He was still struggling with some remorse issues and came here to find help. The best thing that could have happened is he found the book How to help your spouse get over your affair. He asked me to read the book. I did and it had an immediate effect on me. I realized all things I had said wrong...
> 
> Several people here pointed out some helpful things to help...the first was that it was very obvious how much he loved me.
> 
> ...


The two of you are a SUCCESS story, role models to a lot of us. Please stick around, all marriages have issues and problems that need to be worked through. Infidelity is NOT always the worst one to contend with.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I do not think I have "grown" but I have learned to cope and to stand up for myself.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Haven't grown a bit ... I'm still 5'10 3/4". What I have learned though is that isn't tall enough for most women on TAM.









_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

There's a pop-song that goes,_ "...the finger of blame has turned upon itself and I'm more than willing to offer myself, do you want my presence or need my help, who knows where that might lead..."_

Basically, compared to when I first came to TAM, I now see the part I was playing in our dynamic. While I came here to understand what was happening, my husband started on his own journey for himself. He looked within for understanding and to take responsibility. I admire this so much, he inspired me. Along with my husband, TAM has helped me gain understanding of certain things through reading. I then started to look more closely to my own learned behaviors, discovering what needed to change, recognizing my own bullsh*t that I could let go of and then changing things up. Together we renewed our relationship and for the better. 

Best book recommended was from Turnera, "The Dance of Anger". I'm still reading this, slowly, a bit at a time to really take it in. The way I've interacted with my family of origin has changed. That's not been easy but a shift occurred which rippled to other areas of my life. I'm still learning. Some things have been a garbled mess when first attempting a different approach and I'm becoming comfortable with that feeling, because after that initial risk of trying something new that's likely uncomfortable, it becomes much easier to do again. And then the very thing that felt awkward, becomes familiar and comfortable.

As for our marriage, we disagree more, the communication is more open, there's deeper understanding, greater boundaries, we're more vulnerable with one another, I'm learning to meet and communicate needs, and, probably the most drastic thing... (shout out to the 'dinner thread' folks) ...I've learned to enjoy cooking! When I cook for him/us it very much 'speaks' to him; it's a display of love. And I'm all about the love. The cooking and even cooking together is a big change. Strange but true!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have learned that issues in marriage are far more common than I thought, and that people are responsible for their own happiness whether that involves a proper June Cleaver wife, a sex fiend, or playing Angry Birds.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I swallowed the red pill.


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## canbhappy2 (Dec 5, 2013)

ella1048 said:


> I've grown from this webiste....alot...
> 
> I'm married to an angry man...I didn't see this side of him til we had our child.........
> 
> ...


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

I have learned that communication is crucial to a happy marriage because your spouse, despite loving you, is not a mind reader.

All marriages need boundaries, and you teach people how to treat you by enforcing your boundaries. Nip problems in the bud when they first occur. Do not allow resentments to fester.

The hardest thing you will ever do is to change ingrained habits of thought and action.

Some people love to argue, and will tell you straight up that your experience is ridiculous, absurd, or logically impossible. There is an Ignore feature for such people.


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## Bushman1972 (Dec 30, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> I couldn't have put it better myself.
> 
> I am also learning to love myself and others. To accept who I am with all my faults and greatness.


If you can't be kind to yourself then you will sink into depression like I did.Exercise helps. Also read the book "Join UP" by Monty Roberts, It has helped me with both human relations and is is insightful for my horse work. Horses are a kind animal.

If anyone reads this go give one a hug. I promise the horse will not judge you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've learned a deeper clarity to just *how important* it is for a wife to show strong desire ...care for her husband's sexual everything...enthusiasm, our want, what that does for a man's spirit...it wasn't until I, in his words "became easy" -that he became *more vulnerable* with me sharing the deeper parts of himself... 

I was in some conflict when I came here as... on the 1 hand we were having the greatest RUSH of our Marriage & on the other ...I was wanting MORE from him...in this ALPHA dominate way (it's funny I never cared before!)....

One poster, BigBadWolf ,jumped right in telling me I would resent a man who couldn't dominate me...I would feel this flame under me with these comments.....but they also *CHALLENGED ME*... .to dig deeper..to understand HIM... to understand what I was after...WHY... to our own dynamics.... 

I bought "*No More Mr Nice Guy*"/ "*Hold on to Your Nuts*"...after all my husband is a very NICE MAN....I hate how the word has been turned upside down at times to forever = doormat.... I read about *Temperaments*, *Lover styles*, *Testosterone,*, listening to how tipped Alpha men speak here -what drives THEM (they love the chase)... slowly things started to emerge for me, that MY husband is ...really.. Perfect *for who I AM*....in comparison to what I thought I wanted...We work exceptionally well together..

I mean, he could still "Pick it up" in some areas...but honestly, I could probably lower it in a few ... We're not prefect, but we Love & embrace those Imperfections at the same time....I've learned an awful lot here.. Have enjoyed the social interaction very much...
Nothing wrong with being a little ...for any of us...


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I've learned a lot. Mostly about myself. Mostly about how astoundingly dysfunctional I am emotionally.

One of the things I learned is that I can't love someone while being invulnerable to being hurt. I spent the first 23 years of my life learning how and shielding myself from being hurt emotionally, and then the next 15 practicing it to a fine art. I alienated my wife, children, friends, everyone. I have no friends, I almost had no wife, and my kids don't want much to do with me. 

My wife was the first person I ever trusted aside from my mother, and she hurt me, so I shielded myself from being hurt by her. 

Now I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to UNLEARN those things.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I learned about EAs, boundaries and how the lack of them allowed me to put my great marriage at risk. I learned about the chemistry behind love and attachment. Now I understand the need to feed the chemistry that keeps my wife and I in love with each other. 

It has also solidified my views on marriage and what's required to have a good marriage. This knowledge is being taught to my kids now especially my daughter who is at the age where she might think about marriage in a few years.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Another thing I learned, come to think about it, is the sizable cultural divide between Americans and hyphenated Americans like me in terms of what is considered success in a marriage / relationship, or trust in others, partner or spouse included, or helicopter parenting of children.

I don't think our way is better, but it takes a considerable leap of faith to open up to anyone for the emotional benefit of it, or count emotional success as much as one counts financial or professional success. It's almost hedonistic to think of one's emotional needs...


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I think being here has made me realize I'm not alone when it comes to having a terrible marriage. It has also help me realize you can't make someone into someone that you want and need they either are or aren't. If their not find other interests if your going to stay with them. Don't make them into the center of your life or be dependent on them. You should be the center of your own life.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I've learned a ton in the almost three years I've been here.

It's shockingly eye opening to see how different everyone's marriages are. Like most people everything I thought about marriage I inherited from my parents, and to see so many different POVs was quite the shock to my system. Different POVs are crucial for me now.

TAM has forced a lot of introspection on my part, and a lot of growing up. A lot of asking myself what I really want out of marriage, out of a wife, etc. TAM has helped me put into words a lot of the emotions, thoughts, and feelings that I've had about marriage but didn't really know how to say, if that makes sense.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

LOL, take a look at my early threads and tell me.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

I love this thread!!!

I've learned that people are simultaneously more diverse, and yet more similar, than I used to think, funny as that might sound.

I deal with a lot of people at work, but the structure is such that I'm unlikely to get to know any of them in any meaningful ways, so I'd been more or less tuning them out. Recently, I'm more likely to think, just because his or her life situation is manifested very differently from mine (regarding what little I might glean: parents -- children -- spouses -- sexual), I assume a similarity (or at least assume a real but hidden comprehensibility) in their fundamental needs and desires.

This is especially true regarding male / female differences!

When I'm occasionally post-trammatic-stress-disorder-ing about things that happened in my distant past, I'd thought that's just me, but then I read how many people are PTSDing about their particular issues.

I'd say that TAM has given me the confidence to accelerate the ways I was already trying to improve my marriage, and yet understand and accept how slow and elusive change often is.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I've grown to realise that I actually have a pretty damn good marriage now actually.

I've realised that I am not as alone as I thought I was as a one woman man.

I've grown to realise that I'm not as butt ugly as I thought.

I've grown to realise that a lack of wider sexual experience ≠ a lack of overall sexual experience or sexual 'skill'.

I've grown to realise that you don't have to be someone else's idea of alpha or beta, you just have to be a man and not a pvssy, and know your wife's ideal mix of alpha/beta traits.

I've also learnt not to become complacent, the best of marriages need constant nurture!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

TAM has given me insight to face unpleasant truths about myself and others. It has not fixed me but has made me much wiser. 

Many of us would benefit from therapy but the time and money involved make it difficult. TAM is costs nothing but time.

TAM can also be addictive. That is a downside.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> I've grown to realise that I actually have a pretty damn good marriage now actually.
> 
> I've realised that I am not as alone as I thought I was as a one woman man.
> 
> ...


I didn't want to interfere in the thread at all; I really just wanted to provide an open mike for folks to share whatever they felt with no judgment. But I feel compelled to speak to this post!

Wysh, you are not ugly at all! Why would you ever think that? I was just shocked to read that. Your photo looks very nice. I don't think I have seen any ugly photos of anyone on this site! My goodness! This is a good-looking group, and you are part of that, Wysh! No worries!

And you are right on with the rest of your post, as well. 

My concern with all this alpha stuff is that men may try to be something they are not. A man should be proud of himself just for himself, and when he improves himself, he does it just for himself, just to be an even better man. He starts out just fine, and gets even better!

I think women love men who love and accept themselves, in a healthy way. This is a secure man. And there is nothing so attractive, and so truly healthy, as a secure man. 

Okay, sorry to interrupt. Back to the show!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

jld said:


> I didn't want to interfere in the thread at all; I really just wanted to provide an open mike for folks to share whatever they felt with no judgment. But I feel compelled to speak to this post!
> 
> Wysh, you are not ugly at all! Why would you ever think that? I was just shocked to read that. Your photo looks very nice. I don't think I have seen any ugly photos of anyone on this site! My goodness! This is a good-looking group, and you are part of that, Wysh! No worries!
> 
> ...


It's a long story. :rofl:

I've covered it elsewhere on the site in the past and I don't want to dwell on it too much as it ends up sounding like whining.

Suffice it to say that I got turned down a lot as a teenager which wrecked my confidence with women. Could hardly get a date let alone get laid.
Eventually got snapped up by Mrs Wysh in my late 20's, big sexual awakening and lived happily ever after (with the usual marital ups and downs) 4 children and 6 grandchildren later!

Latest grandson only 2 weeks old, just posted pics in my private album.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I haven't been on the site for as long as many others have and I was a lurker for a while! But this site has been wonderful. DH and I will be married for 2 years this month, and both of us are on here. We discuss so many topics that pop up and usually on a daily basis we voice our opinions etc. I love how we use it to broaden our communication skills. TAM has also taught me to be more mature in my marriage and think about things from his POV as well, so not to be overly selfish.
There are so many positives from this site. So many lovely people who are willing to advise those having issues, it is great how everyone can learn something and not just the OP


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Well I've been living in the CWI so I may have a more 'slanted' view of things! 

Been on two years and am annoyed at this site. Had I found it 8 years ago my life would have been very very different! 

I envy all those that found TAM at the beginning of their marrital problems or ddays because I know for sure they would have learned so much about how to deal with it if you find it then.

It has brought reality right into my face about what people are and how they work and the appalling things they are capable of towards the husbands wives and famillies supposedly closest to them 

Has been a real eye opener about illustrating the true personality of people too. As somebody said the true person you are with alters little 

Sadly it has defined much clearer for me selfish greed deceit treachery and betrayal.

I often look for positives on here and truth be told it's easier to find negatives, but I spose you only need one great reconciliation or happy marriage story to know in your heart that it can be done, it can be found, so that is optimistic for me

One fundamental thinking changed to the core is that I have always lived by "my heart rules nomatter what" Never again.

TAM has given me an ability to protect myself from making stupid mistakes foolish heart lead decisions (in fact recently I experienced putting that new ability to the test and it works!) So for that alone it has already probably saved me anoth 5 years of destruction and heartache 

TAM Rules :smthumbup:


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Headspin said:


> ...
> I often look for positives on here and truth be told it's easier to find negatives...


Feeling mellow as I am at the moment, I think attitudes like this are like pendulums. We're just bound to swing off center. Like the saying, "everything in moderation": Taken to the extreme, "everything in moderation" isn't moderate at all. That said, it sounds like you've already identified your thinking as too far off center, and you're directing yourself back. Take heart!


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> I've grown to realise that I'm not as butt ugly as I thought.


My view was a little different. I thought I was at least average looking, and in any case I'd always observed that many couples were composed of very different looking people (one often much better looking than the other).

My thinking was that I must have a rotten personality, which was much more tormenting. Had I regarded myself as ugly, I might have thought, "too bad, but that's just the way it is." But thinking that I ought to be able to do something to improve my personality was an ongoing torture I imposed on myself.

Looking back, all I can think was that I had an unrefined, rather than rotten, personality, and that I had a bunch of bad luck when I could bare it the least, and too little good luck when I needed it the most in those early formative years.


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