# I'm disgusted by my husband....



## MotherOfDragons (Feb 19, 2018)

So I am 22. I have two kids with my husband (3+1) . I think I’m repulsed by my husband . He’s unhygienic . There were small things when we were younger but as the kids were born it’s gotten worse and worse . I’ve always had to bribe him to get him to shave or cut his hair. I’ve tried compromising and asking him to please just trim his facial hair if he wants a beard but he puts zero effort into it . Doesn’t care if it gets dirty or whatever . I don’t even like him kissing me because of it . He knows that and still it stays . He wears the same clothes for 3-4 days on average . Throws a fit if he has to dress nice and by nice I mean a plain colored polo and pants . My husband is morbidly obese . His weight doesn’t bother me - what bothers me is health problems he’s had at the age of 23 because of it and still he doesn’t care.
My husband loves video games . Loves them . We set up a rule a year ago he can’t touch video games when kids are awake and it went great but somehow that rule has translated into him playing video games every second he can otherwise . He works late so he comes home at midnight and plays video games every single night for hours on end even if I’m awake . On his days off he pushes the rule more and plays video games as much as he can . I can honestly say there’s never been a day in months he hasn’t played his video games . I think it repulses me at this point and I grimace every time his games come on and he knows ....

I started a seasonal job recently . Pretty huge because Its the first time working in my field- I’m set to graduate this year . Up until now I was an online student/ stay at home mom The problem is I’m working with tons of professionals and realizing how much I’ve changed in the past couple years and my husband didn’t . So I keep thinking what if we can’t agree on the life we want ? I constantly discuss needing to move if I find a job because there’s nothing in our area . I currently commute 1 hour each way every day . He not only hates the idea of moving but says if we do he won’t apply to work anywhere else and wants to be a stay at home dad . I can’t imagine him doing that =

He’s also a strong introvert . He has one friend he’s kept . Never ever goes out . I’m talking in all of our relationship he never went out . I’m somewhere between introvert/ extrovert . I’ve built a few very strong circles of friends through the year . I go out occasionally (like once every few months) and usually just for dinner and drinks . My husband has not only refused the idea of going out with friends and their husbands.. but makes me feel awful about going on whether he means to or not . He doesn’t drink and I drink very little max of 1-2 drinks when I’m out . I’ve never been drunk. Still he makes comments that remind me of what a young child would say, “so how wasted are you?” “How can you drink that grossness?” “It tastes so yucky.”

I’ve kept bringing up just him and I having a night out at a bar because honestly I feel so bad going out even with friends as a married woman without my husband —- he’s told me in all honestly that he really doesn’t want to and not to ask again and he’s fine with what I do =

In regards to that ... my work has a big party in a few months in a bar . They’ve told me spouses are invlted ..:. Everyone’s getting drunk because free drinks whatever .... I started thinking about how I really didn’t want my husband to go . I think I’d lose my mind if he starts commenting if I drink. I think it’d be a fight to get him to dress nice. I know he’s introverted and will avoid making any small talk and sit there. I also .... and this is the horrible part just don’t see him fitting in with co-workers and their spouses because of their professional nature . I’m scared they might view me differently when they’re grooming me to join the firm at graduation .

Everything I’ve said here my husband is aware of . What do I do ? How do I make our marriage work ? Will I ever stop feeling this way ?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Honestly you're going to have to decide whether you can live with being held back in this one life you get. And once you decide, either way you'll have to own that choice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You say he has never gone out during your relationship. What did you do prior to marriage, when you were dating?


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## MotherOfDragons (Feb 19, 2018)

So we've been together 6 years. Part of that as high schoolers of course. He had friends in school- from the football team went out with them. Then broke off all communication with them after high school. I encouraged him to contact them and reach out but he refused. He's made several friends at work since but still doesn't ever want to hang out outside work. I've introduced him to plenty of similar husband's of my friends I thought he'd kick it off with and every time it was awkward and he'd avoid any conversation with them. So he made his one friend he actually talks to. He's met him for lunch a few times with the kids with him... but that's it for going out. I know it almost sounds unbelievable. Meanwhile I've always had some form of social circle. Whether my friends came over and I hung out with them with/ without kids didn't matter. I only get together with people maybe once a month at most. Like I said though he's very introverted... he always makes the case he just feels better being alone. His only hobbies are video games and reading fiction novels.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AGAIN, what did the two of you do when dating? Did you actually go out on dates together or not? 

So your husband is dirty, slovenly, obese, buries his head in online gaming. He could be severely depressed. To determine that, he would need to see a doctor. Any chance of that?

I'm trying to figure out how your husband even got up the energy to get married. It sounds like he is checked out. Again, could be a depressive disorder that a doctor could evaluate.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

As someone else has said, you need to decide whether or not you are willing to be held back in this one life you have been given or if you want to see where life takes you. Honestly, this guy sounds like a real loser. But that is the way you described him, so I don't know. But what I do know is how you see him and quite frankly it doesn't paint a picture of years of marital bliss.


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## MotherOfDragons (Feb 19, 2018)

Of course we went out just to restaurants or on walks together. We moved in together when I was 18. Most my time was consumed with school and work as was his. In our spare time we'd have date nights at home or go out for a bite to eat. Then I got pregnant when I was 19 and life just got even busier. We just went out the other night for a date night and it's just normal awkward conversation. Most the time if we're out we play a table side trivia game together because conversation can be grueling. Lately all he wants to talk about is video games because as he puts it "I should care about his interests more". While I personally believe how he acts is partially due to depression he seems unwilling to see anyone. He says it's just how he is and he's happy how he is. That I should accept him as he is and so should the rest of the world. 

Even though I'm writing the negatives I did want to add. We are best friends. He's a great father to our kids and we co-parent really well together. It's really just our relationship together that struggles.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you for your response. It helps to get a better picture of what is going on.

Okay, you're not going to like this, but here goes: You two got married too young. Granted, you sound responsible and are handling a great deal of responsibility. But people change a great deal in their 20s. It's just life. And your husband comes across as a child. Online gaming is fine, but it sounds like it takes away from his role as a husband. Sadly, it sounds like you have a big kid on your hands.

As I see it, you will grow up and also grow beyond him. Especially if he insists on staying in checked-out gaming mode. You can't make your marriage work alone. He sounds perfectly content to play games and remain a slob. It sounds like you will, sooner or later, be faced with the inevitable need to make the decision to stay or leave.

JMO.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The thing is that you married him knowing most of this about him, and then you had 2 children with him knowing all this about him, and now you except him to change suddenly. If you didn't like what you had and you couldn't love him as he was, then you should have left then. Now you have 2 small children to think about and you said yourself he is a great dad. 
Get some good MC is my advise, but I cant see why he deserves a divorce.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

You absolutely do deserve a divorce because your husband is a gamer addict.

Just file and let him cybersex with his gamer chicks.


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## MotherOfDragons (Feb 19, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that you married him knowing most of this about him, and then you had 2 children with him knowing all this about him, and now you except him to change suddenly. If you didn't like what you had and you couldn't love him as he was, then you should have left then. Now you have 2 small children to think about and you said yourself he is a great dad.
> Get some good MC is my advise, but I cant see why he deserves a divorce.


But that's really my question. I feel so disgusted by him. I don't want to kiss him. I'm constantly putting energy into asking him to change his clothes just into something clean or without holes. We're really to the point where I'm stuck wondering if this is stuff I can be okay with. It's the same small fights over and over and it's harder when you have a 3 year old that constantly tells mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Then I feel like the bad person for asking him to shave or change clothes... but it's the only way I can even get over my disgust. At one point last year his mom got involved in this same old fight and told him he needs to think more about what he wears in public since it's representative of his family..... but then also told me I need to learn to throw away his clothes and buy him new ones so I did. It didn't change the fact that he chooses maybe 2 things he likes in his closet and wears them over and over until they are riddled with holes and stains. 
Obviously, I'm aware I have two young kids to think about. All I do is think about them and how great we do parenting together but it doesn't stop me from flinching away when he touches me and longing for him to show effort on anything without having to beg/ plead/ fight/ bribe.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MotherOfDragons said:


> At one point last year his mom got involved in this same old fight and told him he needs to think more about what he wears in public since it's representative of his family..... but then also told me *I need to learn to throw away his clothes and buy him new ones *so I did.


You MIL should butt out and go pound sand. What the heck type of advice is it to tell you to buy her baby boy clothes and throw away his old ones? And from you have written, it sounds like he's been slovenly his entire life and let his mommy take care of cleaning up his messes. Guess what? Now you're his mommy. 

I fail to understand how a lazy slob who is spending most of his time online gaming is a great parent. Seriously.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

He is a pig. He has no drive or ambition. If you stay with him he will suck the life out of you. The answer is obvious. Get out.


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## MotherOfDragons (Feb 19, 2018)

That's what I feel I am afraid of. I want to look into working things out. I know he has a long list of things I do he'd have issues with but on my list is I'd expect him to not be video-game obsessed, care about his appearance, spend more time going out with me and make somewhat of an effort for small talk, and come to a compromise over moving to a city where I can have a viable career. I keep looking at my list just thinking if that's even feasible to expect of him. I also keep asking myself if all of my list was fulfilled and I worked on the things he'd find an issue with me.... would I then feel attraction between us? or will we just never be the same...? What do we even do know about it? Work on counseling? Then what if that doesn't work spend years trying to figure it out for the kids..?



Prodigal said:


> Thank you for your response. It helps to get a better picture of what is going on.
> 
> Okay, you're not going to like this, but here goes: You two got married too young. Granted, you sound responsible and are handling a great deal of responsibility. But people change a great deal in their 20s. It's just life. And your husband comes across as a child. Online gaming is fine, but it sounds like it takes away from his role as a husband. Sadly, it sounds like you have a big kid on your hands.
> 
> ...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Until he gets his weight under control, your relationship will remain the same. He's embarrassed to be seen in public, he wears the same clothes because that's what he's most comfortable in. He doesn't take pride in his appearance, so his hygiene isn't important to him. Video games are easy because it requires no in-person human interaction. And, it sounds so cliche, but the games are an escape from his reality. Has he always been morbidly obese?


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## MotherOfDragons (Feb 19, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> Until he gets his weight under control, your relationship will remain the same. He's embarrassed to be seen in public, he wears the same clothes because that's what he's most comfortable in. He doesn't take pride in his appearance, so his hygiene isn't important to him. Video games are easy because it requires no in-person human interaction. And, it sounds so cliche, but the games are an escape from his reality. Has he always been morbidly obese?


So he's always been big. He was a linebacker in highschool for football. He worked out for hours everyday and had records for lifting. After football ended he didn't care. It used to be a constant debate that came down to he doesn't like lifting unless he had to. I've encouraged him to join teams for sports in our town- but he's too introverted for that. We had a gym membership but I was the only one who went because he would only go if I would go with him and then when we went together I would have to push him to get ready and he'd complain not only about the effort into getting the kids ready to go and going... but that'd he had better things to do . He refused to ever go alone. Then when we got there he'd follow everything I did even though I like cardio and he likes lifting and keep telling me how gyms are awkward and he felt awkward. 

See that's how I see video games. I've never been anti-video games but I definetely feel with a family you should be able to step away at any time and he can't.... there's always something more important for him to do on his game that's in the back of his mind. Honestly...this sounds terrible but I feel like he just isn't "living" like there's nothing about life he enjoys and I just want to experience life. That sounds depressing but he doesn't seem to see it that way- just a part of who he is. He just describes himself as simple.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Strikes me that you have an addict on your hands. I was married to an alcoholic. Doesn't matter ... addiction is addiction. And, yeah, they become slovenly, don't care about their appearance, aren't interested in interacting with other people, and are willing to give up everything for their "drug" of choice.

You are only 22. You deserve a helluva lot more than this, particularly with your entire life ahead of you. He has every right to throw his life away. After all, it is HIS life. But you have only one life to own and that's yours. Don't hang around for years trying to get him to change. If he wants to change, he will. 

I walked away from the addict in my life. And I was a LOT older than you. The way I see it, we only get one time around in this life, and it's darned short. But to keep hoping and wishing he'll change when he shows no inclination to do so is wasting YOUR life. Think about it.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

MOD-
Did your husband have aspirations of college football?

Trying for a scholarship that he did not get?


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## MotherOfDragons (Feb 19, 2018)

sandcastle said:


> MOD-
> Did your husband have aspirations of college football?
> 
> Trying for a scholarship that he did not get?


None. He actually only went to community college because his coaches pushed him. Dropped out after a year because he just didn't like anything and decided he couldn't decide on a career anyway. He says he just honestly would hate any job. Has no ambition at work. Does his job and does it well but would never want a promotion. Says he just wants me to hurry up and get a good career so he can quit his job and just be a stay at home dad like he's always wanted to. He says that's only fair since I've been a stay at home mom/ full-time student the past two years.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Well- the thought that he might be suffering from depression because football is out of his life was a bust-

And based on the fact that he is actually telling you he wants to be a sloth and SAHD-

I dunno- GTFO


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

My guess is that you'll leave. You will be graduating soon with a new job on the way. You'll get tired of the same old person with no new changes with him. He has 2 young kids and should be getting his health issues under control. Also he needs to be careful about gaming in front of the kids-- I would be afraid that they become addicted so young since they see daddy playing them.


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## MotherOfDragons (Feb 19, 2018)

Full disclosure I have a history of anxiety and depression- but have had both in control for the past 3 years since after my first child was born. He keeps assuming all of ours problems are because "I must be depressed again" but I've never felt better mentally in my life than now. He personally doesn't feel like he is depressed. I think it's possible he is but I think a lot of this has more to do with his personality. Like I said originally though he's very aware of what I have a problem with just like I know he has issues with me. He loves me so very much. I love him but more and more as a friend as I find I'm just struggling so much romantically with him. He wants to work on fixing this and I'm just really wondering if it even sounds fixable. I'm just not sure but I want to do what's best for our family so we really have to decide how to proceed together. Counseling might be in our future but that would be months away and that's even if we find someone since we don't have many services in our rural area.


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## lorikeet25 (Jun 22, 2016)

It sounds like his aspiration is to have you take care of him. Knowing that, you need to decide if that is okay with you. It is unlikely to change imo. I personally would run as fast as I could, but you need to decide what is best for you and then own that decision.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think he is depressed. I would try to give him some compliments and love and try to help mold things. A compliment sandwich (before and after advice) can help and baby steps. Does he smoke a lot of pot, sounds like he has lost ambition. 

So you are married, I would be upbeat, try to work things out, see if he can get a counselor, minimize nasty comments about his weight and hygience. Do try to have some sex and bolster his self-esteem. I agree he has the problem, not you. Give it some time, give it your best try and then if it does not work out, you can look to other things if it cannot or will not change.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Does he have a job?

If not, you need to pull the plug. He's neglecting his responsibilities. Only a wake-up call will snap him back into reality. Stop taking care of him like a mother. Let him face the consequences of his neglect.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Remember this.If you get a well paying job while you two are still married,he will somehow lose his job and be a sahd which is what he wants.If you divorce after that you will be on the hook for child support and alimony.
Do you really want this leech being an anchor around your neck for years to come.
Act now and act decisively before it’s too late.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

Seems to be you are both immature and your starting to grow up and got some education. 

Does he have plans to better himself or noe that he supported you getting a better situation do you just think you are better than him all the sudden.

I think you should tell him things direct and that you’d like him to take better care of himself

Set up a hair appt and take him. 

If it were me I’d take the video games away completely and remove from the house.

Tell him you two need spend time together and you want to make your lives better that it’s not punishment but that it’s hurting the marriage. If you make it like a punishment then he will get mad.

Can he enrol in classes to better himself?

If you start having a high and mighty attitude things will get worse.

He needs to grow up but you can either try and help or become vindictive you need to decide which way to go.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MotherOfDragons said:


> But that's really my question. I feel so disgusted by him. I don't want to kiss him. I'm constantly putting energy into asking him to change his clothes just into something clean or without holes. We're really to the point where I'm stuck wondering if this is stuff I can be okay with. It's the same small fights over and over and it's harder when you have a 3 year old that constantly tells mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Then I feel like the bad person for asking him to shave or change clothes... but it's the only way I can even get over my disgust. At one point last year his mom got involved in this same old fight and told him he needs to think more about what he wears in public since it's representative of his family..... but then also told me I need to learn to throw away his clothes and buy him new ones so I did. It didn't change the fact that he chooses maybe 2 things he likes in his closet and wears them over and over until they are riddled with holes and stains.
> Obviously, I'm aware I have two young kids to think about. All I do is think about them and how great we do parenting together but it doesn't stop me from flinching away when he touches me and longing for him to show effort on anything without having to beg/ plead/ fight/ bribe.


but why did you marry him and have children when you knew what he was like?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

MotherOfDragons said:


> I know he has a long list of things I do he'd have issues with but on my list is I'd expect him to not be video-game obsessed, care about his appearance, spend more time going out with me and make somewhat of an effort for small talk, and come to a compromise over moving to a city where I can have a viable career. I keep looking at my list just thinking if that's even feasible to expect of him. I also keep asking myself if all of my list was fulfilled and I worked on the things he'd find an issue with me.... would I then feel attraction between us? or will we just never be the same...? What do we even do know about it? Work on counseling? Then what if that doesn't work spend years trying to figure it out for the kids..?


What exactly are the things that are on his "List"? 

You've said quite a few things that seem more like mothering to me instead of being a wife. He has a mother, so don't mother him. That's not hot.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

MotherOfDragons said:


> None. He actually only went to community college because his coaches pushed him. Dropped out after a year because he just didn't like anything and decided he couldn't decide on a career anyway. He says he just honestly would hate any job. Has no ambition at work. Does his job and does it well but would never want a promotion. *Says he just wants me to hurry up and get a good career so he can quit his job and just be a stay at home dad like he's always wanted to. *He says that's only fair since I've been a stay at home mom/ full-time student the past two years.


Was this his line of thinking when the two of you were talking marriage? Or is it his escape now so that he can further feed his gaming addiction?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, any way I look at it, you will be leaving. Or you will have to resign yourself to a life of more of the same. If you think you had anxiety and depression before, just wait until you get a few more years into this thing called marriage. He is the only person who can change himself. There is nothing you can do about it except to accept it or reject it. From your post you reject it. Now that you have made a decision, you need to take action. File for divorce and explain why. If you, your children and your marriage mean anything to him he may make the decision to change and you might decide to stay. 
Nothing will change as long as you keep doing the same thing.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MotherOfDragons said:


> He not only hates the idea of moving but says if we do he won’t apply to work anywhere else and wants to be a stay at home dad .


I have to be honest and say I'm really not surprised to hear that a morbidly obese social misfit would rather stay home and sit on his lazy ass claiming to be a 'SAHD' so he can really play his video games all day long while grudgingly doing the absolute MINIMUM for his kids and letting his wife support him. That's about as unappealing as it can possibly get. Yuck.



> Still he makes comments that remind me of what a young child would say, “so how wasted are you?” “How can you drink that grossness?” “It tastes so yucky.”


Ugh. I guess it CAN get more unappealing. It's pretty ironic when you look at whose pointing fingers about what *others* put into their mouths. Damn, that's rich. But that's all I'm going to say about that.

Your biggest mistake was marrying too young. And having two kids right away wasn't helpful either, if I'm being honest. Nothing against the kids, just the fact that you're only 21 and already a mother of two (well actually 3, if you count the man-child). It's like you sold your youth and exchanged it for the life of a 35 year old woman.



> I started thinking about how I really didn’t want my husband to go .


I wouldn't want him there, either, and it's NOT just because of his ignorant childish comments.

Honestly? Your brain isn't even done developing yet - that doesn't happen until you're 25. Who you are now is NOT who you'll be in 5 years. You are forward moving and growing as a young adult should; you're educating yourself and working towards a productive, lifelong career. He, however, is *stagnating* in every single sense of the word - physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually - right down to his unskilled night-shift job that he'd ditch tomorrow if someone else were willing to support him. Yuck.

Is that the life you want to lead? Growing and moving forward and becoming successful in your chosen field only to have to come home to a morbidly obese shut-in whose spent the day the same way he does EVERY day? Sitting on his lazy ass playing video games all day and eating, doing the absolute* minimum* he can get away with, and expecting YOU to support his ass while he does it? And you can BET it's going to be you doing all the housework and all the things he didn't do for the kids during the day on TOP of being the breadwinner.

Honestly, what is the POINT of that? He's just an albatross around your neck dragging you down. 

As someone else said, you only get this *ONE* life and all you keep doing is depriving yourself of LIVING it and thriving in it.

And Andy1001 is absolutely correct - if you start working at a good paying job full time and this deadbeat finds a way to 'lose' his job and stay home, you're going to be stuck supporting this slob with alimony when you divorce him. DO NOT let this happen.

I'm going to make a prediction. You will NOT be married to this man 5 years from now. I'm certain of it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> As I see it, you will grow up and also grow beyond him. Especially if he insists on staying in checked-out gaming mode. You can't make your marriage work alone. He sounds perfectly content to play games and remain a slob. It sounds like you will, sooner or later, be faced with the inevitable need to make the decision to stay or leave.JMO.


I agree* 100%.*

OP, you have already BEGUN to grow beyond him. It's already happening.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MotherOfDragons said:


> So he's always been big. He was a linebacker in highschool for football. He worked out for hours everyday and had records for lifting. After football ended he didn't care. It used to be a constant debate that came down to he doesn't like lifting unless he had to. I've encouraged him to join teams for sports in our town- but he's too introverted for that.


That doesn't make any sense, OP.

He was on the high school football team, so how 'introverted' can he really be?

I think the truth is, he's just too damned lazy and unmotivated.

You deserve SO much more than this pitiful situation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Couldn't even make it through your first post.

He sounds like he is a pathetic, detached and lazy slob.

I would advise you to get your ducks in a row and leave.

This man needs a babysitter, not a wife and partner.

Go better yourself and find an actual man instead of a manbaby.

Best wishes.


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