# Ladies, I'd like to request your advice...



## husband1973 (Aug 13, 2010)

Here's the skinny.
My wife is the major breadwinner (for now). I am employed but looking for a better job (just finished a grad. degree). Money is tight, and we both work hard to make it work.

We are VERY happy together. Seriously, there is no other woman I have ever met who "gets me" the way she does, and who works as hard as she does to support our family and to be my partner. I own the fact that I don't always see as broadly as she does, and I am the cause of my share of problems around the house, but I'm not an addict, or a womanizer, nor am I a spendthrift. I try to back her up by sharing the household work evenly, and often I do it all--feed/wash/clothe kids, do dishes, wash/fold laundry, clean house, etc.--I do not perceive ANY of the household work as HERS, but I do struggle in prioritizing in the way that she would prefer--e.g. sometimes I'm folding laundry when what I should be doing is getting the kids ready to go out. Now, most of the time, she is incredibly aware of my great contribution to running the family, and she says so, lavishing thanks and love on me for being the clutch husband she needs me to be. The problem I have is that when there is disharmony, she uses language that makes me wonder if she's lying with the positive stuff.

Our moments of disagreement come about once every month or so. I have worked VERY Hard to come to a place where I will try to say something like: "I'm upset/angry/disappointed in X because I had expectation Y. Can we please talk about this?"

My wife, on the other hand, comes from the school of, when you're angry, blame someone. Hard. When she is upset, she is most likely to raise her voice, use accusatory language, or say something incredibly hurtful. This is especially painful when she does it in front of our small children. 

When I point out the fact that she is being very unnecessarily nasty, she will most often accuse me of trying to turn the argument around on her, as a defense against having to own my part. I always feel like I would be willing to own/eat my garbage if it didn't come to me covered in so much of hers. 

When it comes to making up, I am pretty good about apologizing the moment I become aware of my own garbage. I don't want to cling to something that is undesirable or hurtful out of some macho sense of always being right. So I will say I'm sorry very quickly. When this happens, she accuses me of being insincere, trying to shut her up, etc. In fact, I am trying to move the conversation into the realm of actually fixing the problem instead of just screaming about it, but this effort is lost on her. In the very rare case that it is clear to her that she has done something wrong, her apology comes at the end of a tooth and nail fight on my part, in which I usually have to raise my voice. 

I grew up in an environment where yelling was the the way my dad expressed his anger, and only he was allowed to yell or get angry. This oppressive environment made me swear I would never yell like him or tolerate anyone else doing so. There is a difference between raising one's voice in a venting moment and yelling at someone because one is angry. My wife thinks they are one and the same.

I feel like I need to record her when she's like this so that I can play it back later, because she really has no idea how hurtful she can be when she is angry.

Is there a way that I can navigate through this to a place where we are both able to own our parts without having to go through the hurtful part? How can I get her to vent in a way that isn't directed at me? I don't mind if she needs to scream to get her agitation out, but why does she need to scream AT me? Is there a way that I can help her to learn how to scream NEAR me?


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi husband ~

You wife needs to learn how to vent in a more appropriate way. You shouldn't have to tolerate someone screaming at you.

Instead, when your wife gets to this state, you simply and very calmly state - "I can see that you are too agitated to discuss this in a calm voice. When you calm down and are ready, we can talk. I am going out for a walk now." And then simply remove yourself, and your kids if necessary, from her presence for awhile. Repeat as needed. Just keep yourself calm, cool, and collected.

Best wishes.


----------



## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

I wish i had something to say...as an advise ,but i can only understand what is like when she's like that. I coulnd never learn to calm my husband down when something upset him. My father is also like that / like the only one who has the right to get angry and yell/ now i understand that's one of my biggest problems with my relationship: When he yells something breaks inside of me. In time i feel i'm starting to lose respect for him.

I can only hope thing work out better for you.
Best of luck


----------



## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

I agree with Enchantment, only your wife can change your wife, but you are able to make choices about how you respond. Refusing to engage with her when she's talking in a disrespectful/disagreeable manner is a good boundary to have. When she sees it isn't getting her anywhere, she will naturally adjust. Just be warned, it will get worse before it gets better, so stick to your guns and she'll eventually figure it out.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This is exactly the type of issue that marriage counseling can address. Your wife probably grew up in a household where she had critical parents who yelled at her and judged her often. And now she is doing the same thing to you - blaming, criticizing and shaming you when she's angry. This can erode good feelings in a marriage and she needs to understand this.....and that if she works on this, it will make it easier for you to give her what she needs emotionally, too.

I would bring up this issue when you are NOT fighting. Tell her that you want to talk sometime over a glass of wine when the kids are in bed. Tell her that you love her and that you want to discuss something that has been bothering you.

Whatever you say, don't be accusatory. Say things like "When we are having a disagreement, and you yell at me and say "x, y z", it makes it harder for me to feel good/trusting in the relationship. I know you don't mean this, but that is how I feel. I am worried that your true feelings (name some stuff she's said) are coming out when you are angry and so when you say something nice to me later on, I start to doubt if you are being sincere or not."

If she can't honor your truth, your best bet is to work with a MC on the marriage. My husband and I had this issue and we have worked hard to change it through therapy and we have! We still argue, but it's not intense and nasty like it was. 

Don't let this go because over time it WILL erode your positive feelings for your wife and negatively impact your relationship.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

husband,

it sounds to me like you and your w come from similar childhood family backgrounds. but you decided to be the opposite and she is still exactly as she was, probably without even knowing it.

take a look at this site and see if it helps

Get Your ANGRIES Out

lynne can be very helpful once you get over her thinking it is only men that yell


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> I feel like I need to record her when she's like this so that I can play it back later, because she really has no idea how hurtful she can be when she is angry.


This might be a good idea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

