# Advise needed asap!



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Hey everyone, I posted on here about my cheating partner who was sex caming and actively looking for a new relationship and wasn't afraid to tell me while still with me. A very abusive and toxic situation. He finally left in September last year after I begged him to just go, and I actually thanked him for leaving as it ended two years of complete hell for me. I had a breakdown, I was having seizures due to the stress and couldn't see that what he was doing was so unkind and abusive that I wonder why I kept fighting for the relationship to continue. Any feel free to read my old posts. 

So I'm in Australia. I own the house that we lived in for 14 years. We have two children that also live with me. 18 and 9. (he left once before a very long story) I have a business that I run from here as well. It's the type of business that needs tooling and space. Not a computer and an office.

He is taking me to court to try and get me to sell the house to pay him out. I'm due in court for the first hearing this month. He is on a 6 figure wage and I'm very far from that. I can't even get a bank loan even though I'm debt free and own the house approx 500,000. Being self-employed and going through this has left my business not in healthy shape at all. 

Do I go for a Lawyer who is mediation focussed? Working on settling before we get to litigation? Or a lawyer that is intent on proving that I have been badly done by? They both charge around 500 / hour. I could go into it on my own and just face the judge in 2 years time. That would be free. There are long court delays.

The kind lawyer that I was talking to put in a lot of free help but didn't even talk about trying to fix it before seeing a judge and talked about looking through bank records and tax records for the years we were together. He was only 400/h but I think his methods will end up costing me more. Where the lawyer all out working out a fair solution for both seemed much more to the point and told me that family court tends to look a the time a couple is together it's more looked equal contribution.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. 

I don't have the money to go crazy with lawyers, legal aid won't help as its property settlement. He isn't after custody or orders involving the children so it should be quiet straightforward. I just want to be fair. Though him being approved for a home loan based on his wage with a brand new job seems unfair when I can't even borrow a cent.

m.t.t


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

m.t.t, sorry you are here, great question picking the right lawyer. If I was in your shoes, I would look for a "shark" lawyer. To use your own words - "a lawyer that is intent on proving that I have been badly done by? " <--This one...While you are in state of mind, its important to remember that the decisions we make now are going to affect the way we live our lives in the future. That's just my opinion and I wish you nothing but the best and know that you are NOT ALONE.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Hi m.t.t ,

I would agree with the above regarding getting a 'shark' lawyer.

I feel your pain regarding being self employed and loans. The banks in this country are happy to loan you money if you already have debt or loan in place, but make it difficult if you actually own as asset for goodness sake! Doubly so if you run your own business. I think it's because of the current Royal Commission into banking that they are tightening up even more with their so-called rules.

Quick question, you have the kids, and he has a high figure salary. Is he currently paying child support for your 9 year old? 

Unless I have missed something, the fact that you have no debt, run your own business from home, and he has a high paying job, I can't imagine the court system ruling in his favour.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Thanks irish 925

Luminous, it's great to hear from you, wasn't sure I would come across another Australian on here. 

Yes new tight banking laws, and yes I agree it seems strange that once you became debt free you are stuffed. It's a shame that I can't use my redraw facility anymore I would feel more comfortable.

Yes he does pay for child support, not a cent more, doesn't pay for swimming or anything else like school fees. He cut and paste a thing from the child support website stating that he doesn't have too.

I'm not sure at the end of the day if judges will look at what is fair in black and white or make a ruling on him being selfish and abusive etc. I was told it's more unusual for a man to take a woman for what she has. His job prospects are great mine are not. we are both mid 40's.

My thinking was to try and negotiate through a lawyer and get all the paperwork done etc and if he won't settle and accept a deal that works for me in the first two hearings then I will go it alone in front of a judge. I will have least have all the proper paperwork sorted out. That is the most daunting thing. 

I worry a shark lawyer will just get my ex-more spiteful and it will cost a lot more. lawyers fees and his share of the house. I have very little savings and no ability to get a traditional loan. I don't want to sell.

He is the sort that cheats, gaslights and wanted out to fall in love and start a new life, not as a family man. But sees it as all my fault. He is as he told be jealous that I have the children and the house, my work and a great social network. He is now renting and alone as he puts it he is miserable. This is about punishing me for being ok. 

By the way, I am the happiest I have ever been. Him leaving was the best thing that ever happened. I no longer feel anxious and sick. He was mentally and sexually abusive in the end. I am alone and facing court but I feel lighter than ever. Crazy huh.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

m.t.t said:


> Thanks irish 925
> 
> Luminous, it's great to hear from you, wasn't sure I would come across another Australian on here.
> 
> ...


Not crazy at all m.t.t . 

Being free from a partner's destructive behaviour is a gift in itself.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I saw the lawyer today. It's not looking good for me at all. I have no way of paying him back unless I sell the house. I feel like I'm a bit screwed and not sure what to do. It would be great if someone existed that was some sort of adviser that sat you down and looked a what your skills are and what you have and brainstormed ideas and options with you. I feel so lost.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

m.t.t said:


> I saw the lawyer today. It's not looking good for me at all. I have no way of paying him back unless I sell the house. I feel like I'm a bit screwed and not sure what to do. It would be great if someone existed that was some sort of adviser that sat you down and looked a what your skills are and what you have and brainstormed ideas and options with you. I feel so lost.


If I can make a recommendation, get another lawyer's perspective.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Luminous said:


> If I can make a recommendation, get another lawyer's perspective.


Thanks Luminous, I don't really have the time and I have been told most are sharks. 

Papers served last Sunday and sue in court in 3 weeks. I was speaking to another lawyer, he quoted more and didn't even mention that he would try to settle it before it got to the litigation stage. I sought the opinion of around 4 lawyers just before separation and in the year that we have been separated and every opinion varies. It's not easy to get an estimate of things in your free hour. 

I know a lot woman talked to me about their marriages before my ex-left and they were all too worried about what would happen to them if they did leave their often violent relationships. I can kind of see why in terms of money and housing but not in terms of being free of it all.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Mediation is a possible solution when you don't have a proper hand of cards to play!

As is, he has no real right to your earnings!
Procure an attorney who will take pleasure in sticking it to him!

Go the "piranha attorney" route, that will place him on the defensive!*


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Mediation is a possible solution when you don't have a proper hand of cards to play!
> 
> As is, he has no real right to your earnings!
> Procure an attorney who will take pleasure in sticking it to him!
> ...


Thanks but I'm even struggling to pay a lawyer... The quicker it can be resolved the better. I've come to realize that the shark lawyers will drag it out in court. I was speaking to an acquaintance yesterday that it ended up costing her $550,000 in legal fees fighting for her children and home. 

He legally has the right to his share.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> Thanks but I'm even struggling to pay a lawyer... The quicker it can be resolved the better. I've come to realize that the shark lawyers will drag it out in court. I was speaking to an acquaintance yesterday that it ended up costing her $550,000 in legal fees fighting for her children and home.
> 
> *He legally has the right to his share.*


*And you're entitled to your fair share of his earnings and retirement as well!*


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What exactly is it that you have to pay him out for? Are divorces in Australia no fault, or can you file on adultery?


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If what he's asking for is in line with the current law then I'd just settle with him and avoid the lawyers. If what he wants far exceeds the law then I'd fight it. What does the law say in your country and are his terms "fair" as per the terms of the law?


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What is the timeline for when the house was bought? What was the value of the house at the start of the marriage compared to now? For example:

2000 - Bought house for 200,000
2004 - Got married. House would have been worth about 300,000
2018 - House currently worth 500,000

In this case, he would only be entitled to the 1/2 increase in value between when you got married and today. So 500-300 = 200, of which he gets 1/2, so 100. But I'm not sure if that's the way it works in Australia. Did the lawyers go over stuff like this?


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *And you're entitled to your fair share of his earnings and retirement as well!*


I thought about this as well.

It is like he is robbing Peter to pay Paul, except m.t.t is both!


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

yes it's all dependant on how much the house was worth when he moved in and now - the amount that was still owing when he moved in.

Because of the difference in earning potential, super (his retirement) there is negotiation on that amount. It's goes to % of that amount owed. It's not 50/50. 

I've got a bad habit of being very submissive with this man. So I am wary of trying to negotiate with him. But I was wondering if I should try that. He is very it's my way or else though. When he left the first time early 2000 because he had fallen in love (within a week or meeting her) we had just bought a home together, out child was still a baby. He told me what to pay him and I did what he asked. I'm not the same woman or the same one that agonized over him on this forum. 

I'm happy to pay him what I owe him but until we get the house figures it a stab in the dark. We are going to use his super % as leverage. Let him have more to reduce the amount owed. I've been told not to worry about what I owe him let the lawyers deal with that an just move on. 

My lawyer is going to try and settle this at the first hearing. I trust her, she is connected to a women's service but a damn good Lawyer. Being a self-employed creative for the last 10 years makes getting a loan difficult. I'm thinking about crowdfunding.

He wanted to try and work it out between ourselves and he did offer suggestions but I guess the advice that I initially got from Lawyers was misleading as they told me it could be brought down to a handshake and walk away. I guess the relief that I felt to be out of this relationship this made me not want to get into negotiations with him. Everything is already in separate names. He is pushing me to sell off part of the land and give it to him. I just don't want to be told what to do and if I can work this out then I have something for retirement. I will never re-partner after this. Ever.

If you read my other posts from when I was going through this in 2016 you might see that he wasn't that great to be with and he still maintains that this is my fault and my doing after I begged him to leave to stop the mental torment. I would rather be penniless.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He really is a POS. You never should have allowed him back in the first place way back when. 

If you tend to be submissive when dealing with him, then you absolutely SHOULD NOT negotiate with him on your own. You would end up getting the short end, I'm sure. I am trying to figure out why he is entitled to any value of the house, if YOU own the house.... guess I am just not understanding this. 

Maybe you could come to an agreement that you leave his retirement alone, he leaves the house alone, and you both walk away with what is yours...


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> He really is a POS. You never should have allowed him back in the first place way back when.
> 
> If you tend to be submissive when dealing with him, then you absolutely SHOULD NOT negotiate with him on your own. You would end up getting the short end, I'm sure. I am trying to figure out why he is entitled to any value of the house, if YOU own the house.... guess I am just not understanding this.
> 
> Maybe you could come to an agreement that you leave his retirement alone, he leaves the house alone, and you both walk away with what is yours...


In Australia, in defacto law if you are in a defacto relationship for a year you have a claim to your partners assets based on contribution. Which the court usually sees as equal. Whether it's looking after children or paying bills etc. What I should have down is signed up a financial agreement on his return. In that, he returned for me and the children not to gain access to my asset. It's dangerous to co-habit if you own property. The best way is to never have them pay for anything.

So yes he is entitled. I'm not begrudging that. But he has already been caught by me not declaring a bank account that I know of. It's an account that is his but I have access to viewing it. Not sure If I can remove funds.
This shows me that unlike myself just wanting what is fair he is playing unfairly. The account had 3k in it. I was tempted though.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@m.t.t , I went back and read your previous threads.... UGH.... would you mind please PM-ing me the name of the website/sites that he uses?


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> He is on a 6 figure wage and I'm very far from that. I can't even get a bank loan even though I'm debt free and own the house approx 500,000. Being self-employed and going through this has left my business not in healthy shape at all.


A 500k house sounds like a lot based on your income. How much did he contribute to the house? Also, you say you own it, but is his name also on the deed? If he made contributions and is on the deed, it will be very hard to argue in court that he isn't entitled to 1/2 the value even if he had affairs and such. You may be able to lower his share by documenting when he didn't live in the house, since he wouldn't have been contributing at that time. Sorry you have to deal with that.

Since the house is essential to your business, you may be able to argue that it would be unduly harsh to force you to sell, as it would impact your ability to make a living. The court may agree to some other financial arrangement, such as you making regular payments to him to make up the value. Or perhaps he doesn't have to pay child support, or something like that.

I'm sure none of your options look good, but it's unlikely that you'll be able to keep your assets and the house and he gets nothing. You'll likely need to figure out some sort of arrangement, and that will likely be painful for you in some way. It's a tragedy you have to deal with this, but hopefully you can find an option that isn't too painful.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@m.t.t

I have a couple of thoughts, and some may not be your favorite possibilities:

1) Since he is the type who "cheats, gaslights and wanted out to fall in love and start a new life" the chances of him being fair and negotiating in good faith are slim to none. I strongly recommend that you remember/consider the sort of man he has shown you that he is...and expect him to act consistently with how he has shown you he will act. In other words, he has demonstrated his willingness to "cheat and gaslight" in order to hurt you and get what he wants (which is not assets, but rather "a reaction of some sort from you"). Please be honest with yourself: he is not very likely to negotiate reasonably, but rather he is much more likely to be demanding and entitled. You know the saying, right? "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." 

2) It would behoove you to get the old bank statements and income taxes and any financial documents you have from the time you were together, and begin to build your case YOURSELF as to why you have the financial right to keep the house in full. As an example, make a spreadsheet that shows each bank statement over the years (or a summary, year-by-year) showing his contributions and yours, showing mutual bills he paid and you paid, etc. Make a spreadsheet of what assets YOU brought to the relationship, the value when it started and when it ended--and the assets HE brought to the relationship, the value when it started and when it ended--and the assets the two of you bought together during the relationship, the value when you bought it and when it ended. 

The idea is to show that he gets his big salary, his retirement, this asset of his, that asset of his, this asset that the two of you bought, that asset that the two of you saved....and you got CS and the house, yet his "pile of assets" and your "pile of assets" are approximately equal. The trick is that you have to use copies of the bank statements, and copies of tax papers, and copies of the values as evidence for the court to support all this. You can't just assert it--you have to prove it with facts, so YOU do the digging and the legwork. 

3) As much as you don't want to sell the house and give him any share, maybe that is what you'll have to do. I know in my own case, my exH got his big salary and this and that, and I just gave him the proceeds of the house to get him out of my hair (our equity wasn't huge). I decided that for me, the freedom from him and his oppression was worth losing a little money--and by the way, it was!  So then I had to wrap my head around moving, even though I had no desire whatsoever to do so. So since that may be what you have to do, rather than thinking "I can't ___... I can't ___..." why not change your thinking? How COULD you? What kind of place would it take for you to do your business? Do you have to do it from home? 

I'm going to use an example that is "out there" a little...let's say that you are a farrier (which for those who don't know--that's a person who trims horse hooves and does horseshoes). So you'd need a place to heat and shape the horse shoes, and a trailer for your welding equipment, and maybe a truck for your farrier tools... and you could run it from an outbuilding at home, or you could run it from a welding shop at your local community college. 

All I'm saying is to let your mind "go there"...how COULD you do it? What would it take? What could you do a little different to make it work? In the end, you might find that you could sell your $500k house, give him his $100k and take your $400k and get a little townhouse with no yard, and get a job as a part-time farrier professor at the community college that also lets you run your farrier business out of the shop!! It's an example, but see what I mean?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Aren't there any women's groups that may help you get legal advice at a decent rate?


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> @m.t.t , I went back and read your previous threads.... UGH.... would you mind please PM-ing me the name of the website/sites that he uses?


curious to know why you would like to know? 

They were sites designed to match people up randomly to talk. Not cam girls sites but everyday people (cough) that like to talk etc. Lots of men with their pants down and webcam sex. 

I couldn't go on living in a house with a man that did this when I wasn't home. He would lie to my face about it. A very convincing liar. He told me the fact that I knew he was still using the site but I kept quiet about it for months was what destroyed our relationship. (I had caught him previously and I threatened that if he used it again that was the end and he agreed)

He said If I had just told him that I had evidence of him doing so we could have worked on things. He said the fact that I confronted him in front of my counselor with evidence is why the relationship ended. He said now that you have done that we can't go on.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> Aren't there any women's groups that may help you get legal advice at a decent rate?


there are but they can't run a case for you just give you advice and no paperwork for courts etc.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

wilson said:


> A 500k house sounds like a lot based on your income. How much did he contribute to the house? Also, you say you own it, but is his name also on the deed? If he made contributions and is on the deed, it will be very hard to argue in court that he isn't entitled to 1/2 the value even if he had affairs and such. You may be able to lower his share by documenting when he didn't live in the house, since he wouldn't have been contributing at that time. Sorry you have to deal with that.
> 
> Since the house is essential to your business, you may be able to argue that it would be unduly harsh to force you to sell, as it would impact your ability to make a living. The court may agree to some other financial arrangement, such as you making regular payments to him to make up the value. Or perhaps he doesn't have to pay child support, or something like that.
> 
> I'm sure none of your options look good, but it's unlikely that you'll be able to keep your assets and the house and he gets nothing. You'll likely need to figure out some sort of arrangement, and that will likely be painful for you in some way. It's a tragedy you have to deal with this, but hopefully you can find an option that isn't too painful.


we bought the house together originally in 1999 so it was only 70,000 he left very soon after and so the house is now in my name only. (he ran off with a girl from work) We got back together a few years later and he moved back into what was now my house. The house is paid off and has increased in value during that time.

I don't want to do him out of what he is owed but I need to fight to keep my home. He is not playing fair and is out for revenge but I am now just trying to look after the children and myself and trying to worry if I am making him mad.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> @m.t.t
> 
> 
> 3) As much as you don't want to sell the house and give him any share, maybe that is what you'll have to do. I know in my own case, my exH got his big salary and this and that, and I just gave him the proceeds of the house to get him out of my hair (our equity wasn't huge). I decided that for me, the freedom from him and his oppression was worth losing a little money--and by the way, it was!  So then I had to wrap my head around moving, even though I had no desire whatsoever to do so. So since that may be what you have to do, rather than thinking "I can't ___... I can't ___..." why not change your thinking? How COULD you? What kind of place would it take for you to do your business? Do you have to do it from home?
> ...


I am thinking along those lines too.. I just want to live a simple life. To me it's not about winning but to be free. I'm expecting my life to change and I'm ready for it. I just want to get to a place where he has no control over me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> curious to know why you would like to know?
> 
> They were sites designed to match people up randomly to talk. Not cam girls sites but everyday people (cough) that like to talk etc. Lots of men with their pants down and webcam sex.
> 
> ...


Holy crap, talk about a blameshifter! HE is the one doing wrong, yet YOU are the reason the relationship is ending. Just... wow...

I would like to know the sites because I have some suspicions that something similar may be going on in my own relationship. Sorry, I didn't mean to come off as creepy or something lol...


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Holy crap, talk about a blameshifter! HE is the one doing wrong, yet YOU are the reason the relationship is ending. Just... wow...
> 
> I would like to know the sites because I have some suspicions that something similar may be going on in my own relationship. Sorry, I didn't mean to come off as creepy or something lol...


I sent you a PM - don't understand why I can't see my sent messages though.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You have to go into the SENT folder... its a little awkward, but you should be able to see it. I did get your PM, thank you!


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

update-

I had considered trying to negotiate with him away from the lawyers but what I realized I was just trying to make him feel better about things so he doesn't punish me. This is huge for me. I'm very submissive around him.
I have enlisted a good lawyer and I like that she is fair but great. Old school 20 years under her belt in family law.

Meanwhile, my ex is blowing up my phone texting me aggressively, accusing me of being a bad parent, of being selfish, stingy with money. I'm not sure what it is about but I can hear the frustration and anger coming through in his texts. I have asked him to stop sending aggressive text messages. One complaint is swimming. He asked is she going next term and I said no as she went first term and did pay for school intensive swimming this term. So it will be first term next year. She is a great swimmer, hates swimming. He is calling me a lier as I promised first and last term. Demanding that I take her. No, he isn't paying for it. He wants me to do that. It's also a 60km round trip to the pool. yes, that is the closest one. I don't mind but it does cost a lot in fuel and lesson fees. He is insisting that I do it and is angry that I am not. I see that going with the school and paying for it is the same as first and last term. He is asking if I will take her first term or just a hollow promise.

I stood my ground. 10 mins later it was dental visits asking why are you not taking her? My reply is that both the children go once a year unless there is an issue. He asked when I last took her and I said after you left late last year. She doesn't have any teeth complaints. It's like he is just trying to find things. There is a lot or him saying this behavior is unacceptable. I really am not perfect but I think aside from me having less money my parenting is better than it has ever been. I'm more there mentally for the children. I have strict boundaries, we talk, laugh and have a great time. But I'm still a mum and we sit down to a meal together nearly every night and talk about our days. I don't think I'm a bad parent at all.

He is telling me I'm causing him to be frustrated as I'm not doing as I say that I'm going to do. I think it's in my rights that I can swap swimming lessons around. This term instead of next.He said from his perspective I'm becoming an increasingly bad parent.

I don't get this. Why is he blowing up my phone with these aggressive texts? I just reply back when I feel that I should state the fact in a pleasant and calm manner. Eg, she went out last year and is due for her annual check-up soon etc. Or please stop sending these aggressive texts.

I'm feeling a bit like this is about control.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is actually a great update, good for you for standing your ground! He doesn't like that he is no longer in control, that's why he is being such a difficult ass, I mean how dare you not do things his way! Tell him that the aggressive texts stop or you will file a complaint of harassment against him. Suggest that when he has anything regarding the CHILDREN ONLY, that he send an email. and to stop texing you. This way, you can take your time reading and responding, and you have a written record of all your interactions. And too damn bad if he is frustrated, his feelings are no longer of your concern. Not your circus, not your monkeys. 

Super proud of you, keep it up!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's mad at you because you caught him again and ended his fun. Everything going forward will likely be adversarial. That's just how some are when the truth comes out.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I saw my lawyer yesterday and she let me know that there has been no response from my ex's lawyer and we are in court soon. She said he must know and has chosen not to respond. I had a gut feeling that he didn't know about our proposal that we had put forward. I had a feeling that I should talk to him and try and get on good terms to make this process easier.

We had dinner and discussed that we both want to just sort it out as soon as possible and we had a nice evening. He was complimentary, I was friendly but didn't give too much away just let him talk about his dating life and work. 

But I did feel like we didn't have to be enemies, that we could have a good working co-parent situation. As it turns out his lawyer is hopeless, as in too old to do much expect charge $$$ this would be a good thing but they didn't let my ex-know that my lawyer had responded and put a proposal on the table. My ex said that she takes weeks to respond and isn't really computer literate so maybe didn't open the email from my lawyer. I also heard from another source today that she is bat**** crazy but that is hearsay she just sounds very incompetent to me. My ex said she got her law degree in the 70's but she is hardcore. Yes probably strang that we are having dinner together and I noticed that I got slightly off balance after being with him. I started to feel like I'm being unkind and I have made a big deal out of all of this.

So we parted on good terms with him giving me a big hug. He said he would get onto his lawyer and let them know that he wants to sort things out quickly. All good.

So today I get a text from the ex. He is unhappy about something, tells me that maybe he needs to get me audited by the tax office then tells me that I need to be careful as this could get ugly. He is upset that I don't have a big super amount. Feels that this is somehow dishonest as he thought paying into your super was mandatory. It isn't. He threatened me, was abusive and said if we're going to go down this path then I had better watch out.

I explained to him over dinner we just need to agree to get the house valued and then we can work out what is owing. He said that he thought I just wanted to make a straightforward agreement.

So this morning I was thinking he isn't that bad, I have been harsh, this afternoon I'm feeling what is wrong with me. He cannot even ask about my super without it being abusive and threatening.


----------



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

m.t.t said:


> I saw my lawyer yesterday and she let me know that there has been no response from my ex's lawyer and we are in court soon. She said he must know and has chosen not to respond. I had a gut feeling that he didn't know about our proposal that we had put forward. I had a feeling that I should talk to him and try and get on good terms to make this process easier.
> 
> We had dinner and discussed that we both want to just sort it out as soon as possible and we had a nice evening. He was complimentary, I was friendly but didn't give too much away just let him talk about his dating life and work.
> 
> ...


Going to be a little blunt here: stop giving him chances. 

He has already shown you his true colors if/when he doesn't get his way and when you no longer play into his narrative. I'm willing to bet that his display of kindness at dinner was to see if he could get you to lower your guard.

If you're working out an agreement, make sure to get it reviewed through your lawyer.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> So today I get a text from the ex. He is unhappy about something, tells me that maybe he needs to get me audited by the tax office then tells me that I need to be careful as this could get ugly. He is upset that I don't have a big super amount. Feels that this is somehow dishonest as he thought paying into your super was mandatory. It isn't. He threatened me, was abusive and said if we're going to go down this path then I had better watch out.
> 
> I explained to him over dinner we just need to agree to get the house valued and then we can work out what is owing. He said that he thought I just wanted to make a straightforward agreement.
> 
> So this morning I was thinking he isn't that bad, I have been harsh, this afternoon I'm feeling what is wrong with me. He cannot even ask about my super without it being abusive and threatening.


Welp.. that's it, no more talking one on one. All correspondence now needs to go through your attorneys since he decided he had to be a d!ck. You were never being harsh at any point, by the way, just taking care of business. He has shown you YET AGAIN who he is, this time believe him and don't get sucked in again. Yes, it would be awesome to be able to be amicable, but that will have to be sometime down the line, not now. This should be your reminder of how vile this person really is. I am sorry you're dealing with this crap at this point.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

UPDATE-

we have another and hopefully the final court hearing early next month. It's a type of meditation thing to hopefully settle before it goes to a full hearing... we have to agree on the settlement. This has been stressful but I have realized and I don't know why but I'm walking around and acting like I'm fine. I'm facing losing my home, being put into possibly massive debt, starting over etc and I'm all like it will be what it will be. No point worrying about it.

This is I realized a lie, I'm lying to myself. I had an old friend over that I hadn't been in my home for 15 years over the weekend. We had dated when my ex and I divorced last time. We are now friends. It was really weird having him in my house the house that I lived in when we were going out. After he left I burst into tears, I had the awful realization that this I'm all good just look at me survive this is utter rubbish. I'm such a great pretender that I have even fooled myself! But having this freind over felt wrong because it's like I'm bringing the past back into my life and it doesn't sit well. It caused and awful feeling. Not sure what it is but it's not pleasant.

The fact is I'm deeply lonely, scared, and in some sort of denial. I'm very good at pretending that everything is ok. It's not. I am not.

One thing my psychologist said to me many times actually, was that there is no right or wrong but what is right or wrong for you. What is acceptable for you, what are your boundaries? The thing is my boundaries seen to be on wheels! This came into effect yesterday when I picked up my daughter, I craved to have dinner with my ex. I missed him, I carved his company. I asked for a hug for goodness sake and we hugged hard, while we were hugging he kissed me on my neck and told me he missed me too. I miss you just came out of my mouth. We are going through a divorce and I just want to be close to him. I kept thinking that maybe I have overreacted, we separated too soon etc.

I was driving today and I thought this is why people never get free from abusive toxic relationships. They always go back.

And why am I still not able to pull the plug on this guy that I'm dating? 

I'm questing is my ex really that bad? I'm such a mess. Looped around it all is the truth that I'm very lonely despite my good friends and many acquaintances. 

sigh...


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> I'm questing is my ex really that bad? I'm such a mess.
> sigh...


He's currently trying to take YOUR home and business ... Yeah, he's that bad.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Try not to forget m.t.t., the last time you had lunch with him, he was all nice and warm whilst having lunch, but the next day he did a 180 and was confrontational and spiteful.

From what is posted it always seems like he is trying to lull you into letting your defenses down, before he strikes. Sounds like that is his strategy because he knows it has always worked previously.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

YES, he IS THAT BAD! Write that crap down somewhere and keep it with you at all times!


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> He's currently trying to take YOUR home and business ... Yeah, he's that bad.





Luminous said:


> Try not to forget m.t.t., the last time you had lunch with him, he was all nice and warm whilst having lunch, but the next day he did a 180 and was confrontational and spiteful.
> 
> From what is posted it always seems like he is trying to lull you into letting your defenses down, before he strikes. Sounds like that is his strategy because he knows it has always worked previously.





3Xnocharm said:


> YES, he IS THAT BAD! Write that crap down somewhere and keep it with you at all times!


Thank you !

It took a few days but I feel a bit more in the right frame of mind...filling out and submitting all of my legal financial requirements to everything that I own, including all of my studio work made me see things clearly. He is nitpicking... If he did feel some sort of care he would not be going after my income source and tearing it apart... He would at least text his oldest child to say hey how did your day go..Your year 12 assignments... what is new in your world son? Instead, our son hears radio silence.

I will continue to be fair and try my heart out to keep walking away from this. It's just hard to not still care about a crumb of something.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

UPDATE- for anyone that might find this helpful...

I ended up getting a good lawyer, she was a bit $$ and from what I can tell I have paid more than my ex but I feel like I came out on top at the end of the day and going through the family courts as very much worth it both for me. The judge suggested a 75-80% split in my favour. I owned the house before he moved in. My ex pushed and pushed for me to just give him part of the land that the house sits on (the block can be subdivided but this would have meant that he was my neighbor and the control would still have been an issue) I was also entitled to 50% of his super something he didn't want me to have.

This is one of the hardest things that I have had to do emotionally but it was very much worth it. I owe him money as a payout but I can manage it.

My lawyer, bank manager and some friends said I wouldn't get a bank loan even though I own my own house. I took this as a truth. I ended up going to a mortgage broker who tried his best to use my situation against me by asking for 1100 to secure a loan as I was a very difficult case to put forward to a bank and he had already done so much work on my case and the amount of money I was needing was so small etc that he would not make anything from it and he insisted that I could only go with one of the lesser known lenders.

I heard through the words and heard a man trying to manipulate me. One of the things he said to me was -I'm not trying to take advantage of your situation BUT..... so I cut the phone call short, thanked him and said I will have to think about it. I then called another broke and explained my situation. I then told him of the 1100 request of the other broker and explained that I wanted to know if this was typical as it was my belief that brokers get paid by the banks not the client. He laughed and said the guy is an ***** he said the most he has ever had to charge was 200 and that was for a very complex client that was needing to change down a few mortgages for multiple properties. 

So I then took myself to 3 banks. Two of the big banks said we see no issue and one of these was the bank that the broker told me wouldn't touch me and don't accept child support payments as income. It was a lie.

So I now have my home, a small loan that I'm almost excited to pay it back because I'm doing it for myself and a super payout and an ex-husband. I see that as a huge win even though I'm out of pocket of some 20k in lawyers fees.

But I have realized that I have been left emotionally vulnerable but I'm getting there. One day at a time. It is hard when you have children together though. I still find it hard not to engage with him. Such a tough habit to break.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You probably have to pay some money to a lawyer but need to be constantly aware of costs, evaluating steps in terms of cost-effectiveness. 





m.t.t said:


> Hey everyone, I posted on here about my cheating partner who was sex caming and actively looking for a new relationship and wasn't afraid to tell me while still with me. A very abusive and toxic situation. He finally left in September last year after I begged him to just go, and I actually thanked him for leaving as it ended two years of complete hell for me. I had a breakdown, I was having seizures due to the stress and couldn't see that what he was doing was so unkind and abusive that I wonder why I kept fighting for the relationship to continue. Any feel free to read my old posts.
> 
> So I'm in Australia. I own the house that we lived in for 14 years. We have two children that also live with me. 18 and 9. (he left once before a very long story) I have a business that I run from here as well. It's the type of business that needs tooling and space. Not a computer and an office.
> 
> ...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am so happy for you that you are finally free! Work very hard on not engaging him, the only contact should be regarding your children and NOTHING else. Keep in mind this man is NOT your friend. 

Happy new year indeed!


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> I am so happy for you that you are finally free! Work very hard on not engaging him, the only contact should be regarding your children and NOTHING else. Keep in mind this man is NOT your friend.
> 
> Happy new year indeed!


Happy new year to you!

Thank you, I really needed to hear this. 

I'm finding myself letting him back in a little. It's hard after having someone in my life for so long. I'm an emotional pushover. I have a good friend she is much older and very kind and wise when I caught up with her last she was shocked about him taking me through family court, and that I was still on friendly terms with him. She said something along the lines of you are way too kind. Coming from this woman, one of the kindest and giving church going, volunteering people it was a bit ouch and made me realize that maybe just maybe I have a long way to go.

He is in manipulation mode again, telling me how lucky I am having Saturday nights free to go out if I want to, how he really doesn't have any time to himself as he works 5 days a week. Sometimes he can't have his daughter or he will be late in having her as he needs to have a life too. I feel like he is slowly edging out of her life and she is only 10. This I stand up for, call him out on calmy I might add. But then I find myself throwing him a birthday dinner, as if I didn't he would be alone. I find myself still looking out for him. It would be easier if we didn't have the children together. 

But my elation in my previous post still stands, I feel so good about moving on, I just fee like I have a small thread of my jumper caught.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Repeat this to yourself daily, hell, get a T-shirt made!











His relationship with his daughter is HIS responsibility, not yours. If he allows it to slip away, that’s on him. Just be there for her if it happens. Stop engaging. He is no longer your problem or responsibility.. not your monkey!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He will take advantage of you and manipulate you -- which is what he's doing -- as long as you allow him to.


----------

