# Not horrible marriage but not happy/fulfilled - help?



## confused27f

I am so sorry - this is LONG!

I'm 27, husband 32 - dated for over 4 years/married for 2.5yrs

I was 20 when I started dating him and was not initially attracted to his physical appearance or personality. He did not blow me away but I was not really looking for a serious relationship. I wasn't even old enough to legally drink alcohol and had just transferred home from out of town college. He, on the other hand was extremely persistent and infatuated. He was very sweet, stable, reliable, thoughtful, attentive, hardworking, intelligent, etc. He grew on me and I convinced myself he was what I "needed" and the type of guy that you "marry" vs the fun, outgoing, lookers I was dating. 

The problems started right off the bat. About a month into dating him, he started interrogating me about talking to my ex bfs and checking my cell phone for texts. We were not even in a serious relationship at that point IMO. I thought we were casually dating. About 3 mos in, I decided to finally sleep with him. The sex was not great. He wasn't experienced or confident in bed but I felt like a little vixen because he was blown away by my experience, creativity and performance in the bedroom. However, a few months later he started avoiding sex, saying he was tired. This completely freaked me out as a 20-21yr old female. Every other guy I dated wanted it anytime, anywhere and initiated most of the time. I stayed over his place often because I lived/worked 45min away. Sometimes I would use his computer when he wasn't there and always found massive amounts of porn. At first I just assumed he was like any other guy and had a collection over time. As our relationship went on, he continued to show less interest in me and or sex/affection but the porn continued. I questioned him and he said it was no big deal and every guy does it. All of my exes did look at porn but we had healthy sex lives as well. I felt like he was using porn as a substitute and it did a number on my self esteem and our relationship. We moved in together and it was highlighted more and more. I would lay in bed night after night feeling neglected and angry. We fought a lot and he started lying and hiding it. I'd find it over and over and he'd lie over and over. I asked for break at one point and broke up with him for about 3 months at another point. When I would try ending things, he would completely break down, cry, beg, plead, tell me he had nothing to live for, felt worthless, etc. He was abused (physically/emotionally/verbally) as a child and raised to feel worthless so I understood the root of the issues. I suggested counseling several times but he never wanted to and would become angry if I tried to discuss his childhood issues. I loved him deeply as a person and didn't want to hurt him. I felt like he could change, we could change and be something more so I kept trying. 

We started talking about marriage more and more and even looked at rings. He promised me he would never look at porn again and understood that if I found any, it was over. A few weeks before a trip to NYC, I found porn. Instead of asking him about it, I installed spyware on the computer. I found he was accessing it almost everytime he was home alone and was in yahoo fanclubs, belonged to sites, made up email addresses, etc. He even accessed one from work because the emails were timestamped. This made me sick and I didn't know what to do. I asked him about it and he lied so I presented him with the proof. He was on best behavior for a few weeks and then proposed. I said yes (mistake, I know but I felt it was right at the time.) 

I didn't trust him after that and the lack of sex and affection continued. The next year was focused around planning the wedding and I did find porn a few times. I was obsessed with checking his phone, email, the comp. etc. I went to a psychologist before the wedding to try to gain direction and insight. I wanted to call off the wedding. I tried telling husband I wanted to call it off but he broke down and convinced me it would work and that we were just under stress, etc. We got married (mistake#2, I know but I felt it was right at the time and couldn't see my life any other way. I truly loved and cared about him.)

The next 2 years were focused on trying to get pregnant. We both desperately wanted a child. We went through IVF 2x and miscarried 2x. It was an extremely stressful time and I found porn 2x since being married. I threatened divorce and have not found any since but it controlled me. I continued checking for porn and obsessing. I finally let go and decided I couldn't care about it anymore. My attitude was that if he wanted to do that then screw him. I guess it was self preservation. I continued encouraging therapy and went on my own. He went 1x and didn't like it. I gained a lot of weight over the time we were together - especially through IVF with all of the drugs and depression. Over the last 6 mos, I've focused completely on working out and dieting and improving my life and attitude. I'm happy in every aspect except marriage. I tried talking to him a few times and nothing came of it. I found myself completely disengaging and he noticed more and more. 2 weeks after I had a serious talk with him about counseling and not being happy, he found a conversation with a casual short term ex that I am friends with. In that convo I spilled everything about not being happy, regretting marriage, etc. My husband was livid but put all his focus into the guy I was talking to vs. the marrital issues. The last 3 wks have been hell - since he found it. He's been checking my email, phone, phone records, and asking daily if I talked to him. He's also been trying to be the guy I wanted all along - affectionate, initiating, etc. It doesn't feel right and I've basically decided in my heart and gut that things are not right and that I want out. I tried talking to my husband about it and we even tried couples therapy. HE is in denial and does not consider separation or divorce an option. He's really pushing to stay together and crying and I feel horribly guilty, scared and confused. However, that is what got me into this mess to begin with so I feel like I need to pursue it. I just don't know how to go about this or if it's something I'm going to regret. He's a great guy - thoughtful, hardworking, respectful, intelligent, etc. I am a passionate person who believes in living life to the fullest with no regrets. I feel empty in this marriage. Sure, on paper, it looks great and sure, I could stay in it and lead a decent life but not be truly happy. I LOVE him...truly, deeply care for him as a person. I just do not feel any spark - emotionally or physically. I am an idiot for getting married with reservations but I made a mistake and can't go back. I just don't know how to go forth with this. Keep trying to work on things? Trial separation? Dissolution? The consequences of any will not be easy but I want to be true to myself and him.

I also see family and friends blaming this on my weightloss and pinning me as superficial since husband is overweight. It is not that at all! I was smaller than I am now when I started dating him and he's been the same size all along. I know that is not a reason to stay but it makes me sick to think about it. If we do split, I'd like to be single for a good while and continue working on myself.


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## cayest

I think you guys should try counseling together to see if that helps. Sometimes there is an adjustment period as people evolve in a marriage. I get the "nice-guy-but-I'm-not-in-love" phenomenon - that's partially my own story - but I think you owe it to each other and to the marriage to at least try counseling before you throw in the towel. Good luck!


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## DennisNLA

Confused,

Take some time to determine which course of action you would like to take and then passionately execute that plan. Make the decision that will make YOU happy! Do not dwell on the mistakes of the past, they are the past and you can not change them now. You are still young, and there are no children involved. This is the time to make a decision that revolves 100% around what will make you the happiest.

good luck in your journey.


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## truthfully

*I reply with 'love' in mind & true-ness to yourself & dedication to Jesus always!*

_Girl,
First, I say, pray about it!!!! Or whatever you do, meditate, etc....

Then I say this in "love", RUN! Especially if you guys don't have children!
You still have a chance to have a life! 
OK you have been married for 2.5 years, I have almost the same situation and have been married for almost 9 years, been with for almost 14 total years. Trust me, it will not change, unless he really wants it to change, and chances are he doesn't know how.... 
Run!
Get out!
You guys can still be friends!
Love yourself enough to have a real life!

I am currently trapped in the same situation, yet, we now have twin boys with autism which just puts icing on the cake, let me tell ya, NOT.
I'm older than you, too, I'm 44. So don't get down on yourself, we all make mistakes. I don't come to this answer easy, I am a christian AND totally support marriage. But I as a christian have legal rights to leave my husband because of Jesus, in Matthew 16, I believe. Of course, God says absolutely no divorce in the Old testament. But Jesus gives me a way out... I am currently working towards my degree but that will take years, then when I'm an older woman, I can stand on my own two feet and carry both of my boys .. I can divorce. 

Leave now while you can.
We have gone to many therapists too... I still see one to date, for breathing purposes alone, ha-ha! It is a lonely life, girl, if you stay you will be miserable. Life is too short!!! The porn is a direct violation of your wedding vows, even more so, if you are a christian!!!!
I pray that you will do whatever it is the Holy spirit tells you to do. Maybe your husband will turn on to Jesus and want to be pleasing to both Him and you...my husband doesn't follow Christianity so I am screwed- 
Good luck in your future endeavors... Me, maybe someday I will get out...now I will continue to do everything... home management, school, and taking care of the children! 
Good luck to you again! Walk by faith not by sight._


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## SurpriseMyself

Go. Please go. I'm married in a very very similar situation. What I thought he would be in marriage isn't what he turned out to be. No emotional connection. No physical connection. I can't stand the way he chews gum, or that he eats cold leftovers for breakfast, or [fill in the blank.] If I loved him, none of that would matter. I so wish I could leave right this second, today, now. But we have two children.

Do not get pregnant. And go. Good luck. You have your entire life ahead of you.


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## sisters359

You told him you would leave if he used porn, and he did. He chose porn over you from the beginning. I think his message was pretty clear and the real question is, why do you still beat up yourself about leaving? Who cares what others think? 

Also, because you mention it, I want to speak to another point: You married someone you were not all that attracted to, to begin with. You convinced yourself of what you "needed" and stayed with him. Please, don't make this mistake again. If you are not head-over-heels CRAZY about a man--sexually, intellecually, emotionally, etc.--don't marry him. It will create all sorts of new troubles in your relationship, down the road. Too many of us (yes, me included) make this mistake and chances are, it won't work out.

Be good to yourself and leave. If you try counseling, make it clear that the porn isn't "just about porn," but rather, he chooses porn over sex with you. This is an addiction. Yes, many men use porn but NOT when they could be having sex with their wife. 

But I think you have to leave to get him to even attempt a change--you threatened it in the past but he has called your bluff. 

And don't stay with him or go back simply out of guilt; again, no one but you can say if you feel true love and passion for him again. If not, you pursue divorce. Who cares what others think about why you did it? You know the truth and so does he. That is all that matters.


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## a.mckay26

Wow, your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I have also lost weight recently and I feel like I have re-awakened because of it. Yes on paper my marriage/life looks perfect, but I don't feel fulfilled. My thought is, I don't want to look back in 10 years and think "I should have got out of this relationship back then" I don't want to make excuses anymore or put my happiness on the back burner because in the beginning, it will be the hard choice.

Good luck with whatever you decide. You only live once.


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## jaawest

I say go! I am stuck with a guy who is wonderful to others and even to me sometimes. BUT i don't love him and am not attracted to him anymore. There's nothing i want more than to leave him but we have 2 kids which complicate things! I cant afford to take the kids and find another house. And who says he'll let me take the kids? 
Get out, he will never change. My partner still messes up all the time by doing silly things and not thinking about the consequences. He clearly choose porn over you. If your not happy then run, you deserve happiness and someone better.


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## Tiredspouse0297

Go! You aren't responsible for the messed up way your husband was raised. I'm trying to get past that myself. You have no kids as of yet so as others said, run!


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