# My wife might be gay



## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Please help...

I'm in the middle of what might be the end of my marriage. I've been with my wife for nearly 10 years. We've been married for 3 and a half years and we have 2 kids under 4 together.

After sensing something was wrong for some time I finally worked up the courage to ask my wife if there was anything that had gone wrong, a reason why she was pushing me away.

She told me that she has feelings for a girl that she works with and that she wasn't sure if she wanted to pursue it.

I was in complete shock when she told me. I had no idea that she was interested in girls. She told me that she wasn't sure if she was gay, but couldn't deny her feelings. She had felt something for another girl before we met but those feelings faded so she thought that perhaps she was straight afterall.

She didn't want to throw our marriage away, especially if the feelings she had were just a passing phase like before. The girl she has feelings for is also her best friend and by opening up about how she feels she was afraid she was going to lose her as a friend too.

As you might imagine I'm pretty gutted by the whole revelation. The possibility of losing my family over something I seem to have no control over is tearing me up inside.

The question asked of me was - can I live in a relationship where my partner had openly confessed to wanting to be with someone else? Live with the possibility that should their friendship evolve into something more I would lose my wife.

After spending the day thinking it over I came to the conclusion that I was prepared to work on our relationship, but only if my wife confronted her feelings for her friend and decided that she wanted to stay in this marriage. And if that was to happen she needed to cut her ties with this girl. I never wanted to be the type of husband that says "It's her or me" but I can't see how our marriage can survive with this other person in our life.

My wife insisted that she couldn't decide on what she wants to do without first telling her friend how she felt. She said that it didn't mean that she would leave if the feelings were mutual, just that she would need to consider who she wants to be with. And further to that, even if nothing came of her confession, she did not want to give up her best friend.

I asked her to go to her friend straight away and confront her feelings. I just couldn't live with this hanging over us any longer. So she did and her friend didn't feel the same way.

My wife now says that she wants to work on our relationship, and she will do anything to make things right. But she doesn't want to stop spending time with her friend. She insists that I'm not her "second prize" and that she still loves me but I can't help but feel like I am. It hurts me deeply that she would feel this way for someone else. I feel like I deserve to be with someone who isn't confused about who she loves.

The only other option I have is to walk away. As much as that might be the best thing to do I just can't comtemplate leaving my family. They are everything to me and without them I literary have nothing...

So I just want to know if I'm just being stupid to think that a relationship can outlast this kind of problem. If I had to leave my family I will have nowhere to go. I moved intestate to be with her and the only family we have here is hers. I have no support network, not enough money to rent a new place to stay and the only place I can go to get those things takes me too far away from my kids.

And I would like to know if anyone else thinks it's unreasonable for her to insist on still spending time with her friend? I'm not ok with it. I feel for my wife because I know she finds it hard to make friends but I can't accept it. Risking her family for a friendship says a lot to me about what value she places on those relationships.

I have no one talk to about this. I love my wife very much and as much as she has hurt me it wouldn't be fair for me to "out" her confusion about her sexuality to anyone else.

I'm so confused right now. I just want to know if we can be happy again.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

torn2012 said:


> Please help...
> 
> I'm in the middle of what might be the end of my marriage. I've been with my wife for nearly 10 years. We've been married for 3 and a half years and we have 2 kids under 4 together.
> 
> ...


If she loves you and wants your marriage to work, I don't think that it is unfair for you to request she quit spending time with that friend.... In a marriage, if you want it to work, you have to take the other person's feelings into consideration, and if it makes them uncomfortable or upset you need to do what you can, within reason, to help ease that....

Her admitting that she has feelings for her friend and is attracted to her is grounds for you to request she quit hanging out with her since you consider that cheating...My H would not consider that cheating haha, he would be on cloud 9 if I said I wanted another chick. However, in your case since you consider it a violation of your relationship, if she really wants it to work with you, she'll respect that.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

There is no way your marriage can work if she continues contact, which if she does can and will harbor the feelings of attraction. She must cut off contact for this to work and it is completely normal for you to demand this and she must do it before you can work on anything. Counseling is key imo.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

If your wife had a male co-worker as a friend and she developed feelings for this male friend that made her confused about staying married to you, would you let her keep this male co-worker as a friend after she told him that she was in love with him and he told her that he did not feel the same? Of course not. Just because your wife is bisexual does not give her a free pass to operate outside of the normal rules of marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Also if her friend was male would you have her approach him to find out if he had feeling s for her before she re-committed to her? I think not. Not sure why this was different just because she was female.

The bottomline is that you are currently her second choice.

She needs to go total NC with her friend and go through withdrawal from her EA.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Thanks for your help.

Yes I understand some men would be excited about their partners being into girls but i'm not. When we got married we promised our hearts to each other. The thought of her heart being with someone else, man or woman, is very upsetting.

I tried to use the male co-worker scenario to explain to her that it's not ok. Even tried asking how she'd feel if I was to do the same with a female co-worker.

I guess her finally "coming out" to somebody has taken her full focus and blinds her to some of the pain her actions have caused. She said that she's relieved to finally be able to talk about it with someone. It's a secret she's kept for a long time.

I'm glad that I've been able to help her deal with those feelings because it may bring us closer together to have everything out in the open.

Not trying to excuse her behavior. Just giving context.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Wow. I can't believe what I have read here. You wife is in an emotional affair with another person and you are ok with her going to the other person to see if they are interested in a=furthering their romantic relationship and when the other person doesn't want a physical relationship, you are supposed to be ok with her continuing in an emotional affair. 

Friend. I feel for you. And I have been in a similar place (although not same sex). Read my story. Grow some self-respect. If you wife wants to really work on the marriage, she absolutely must go no contact with this "lover" and she you guys need some intense couseling. If that doesn't happen, you marriage is already over. Contact a lawyer and get out.

Sorry man.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

don't care what your wife TOLD you, you are her second choice... what are you going to do WHEN she finds a lady she is attracted to, and the feelings are returned?


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

For the record I was never "ok" with her confessing her feelings to her friend. From the moment she left until she got back I was in absolute agony. The thought that the fate of my marriage was being decided by someone else was horrible. I hardly ever cry but I wept uncontrollably while I was waiting.

But at that time I couldn't deal with not knowing. That's why I asked her to do it.

My head is telling me that you are right, I am her second choice. My heart wants to believe that there's a chance she's not lying. I know that makes me a sucker but I can't help the way I feel. And yes, the threat of another girl coming along scares me.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look Torn, you are a "nice guy". and that is a big part of your problem. I have 3 things to say to you:
1. MAN UP
2. MAN UP
3. MAN UP

Read the 180 and start. This woman needs to come to you remorseful, not settling. If you just let this go, YOU WILL BE HERE AGAIN


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think your wife is bisexual. I've dated bisexual girls before and it's a constant pendulum to be honest, too much drama to deal with. 

Anyway, I think the two of you should have a trial separation so that she could get her head together and you to accumulate some funds should you decide to proceed with a divorce. This isn't something that will swept under the rug, you'll have a constant paranoia about her feelings towards you and those around you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

First you say:


torn2012 said:


> For the record I was never "ok" with her confessing her feelings to her friend.


Then you say:


torn2012 said:


> I couldn't deal with not knowing. That's why I asked her to do it.


 You asking “her to do it” means that she did it with your permission, which is what we all find hard to believe. Stop playing word games with yourself to justify your inaction. 



torn2012 said:


> From the moment she left until she got back I was in absolute agony. The thought that the fate of my marriage was being decided by someone else was horrible. I hardly ever cry but I wept uncontrollably while I was waiting.


 Your weakness in this matter just gave her a green light to hunt for another female lovers. This other woman (OW) that does not even feel the same way toward your wife that your wife feels for the OW is more important to your wife than you, and you let this OW decide the fate of your life and marriage? Your wife is happy to have just learned that she can not only be open with you about her being bisexual, but that she can openly date other woman until she finds one that loves her back.

Man up and do not be a place holder until your wife decides to move on. Your marriage is over. She has no respect for you at all and in reading your posts, it is hard to blame her. You best chance of having a real long term marriage is to tell your wife that you are moving on with divorce and mean it. The only chance that you have in having this work long term is for you to only take her back if she shows real remorse. One thing that you should know for sure. You must value yourself and only be in a marriage with someone that puts you first. If your wife is not that person, it is better to learn it now and find someone that does. You sound like a decent person. There is someone out there for you. You do not know that there is someone else out there for you because you have been true to your marriage and have not been looking. There is someone out there that would never in a million years think of leaving you in agony as she decide to leave you based on the decision of another.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

I wouldn't worry about the friendship thing too much if I were you. Try to put it in to perspective. If your best friend said to you that he was attracted to you, would you suddenly become gay ( assuming you weren't before) . If anything her friend may be a bit freaked out by this admission and she may try and put a little distance between the pair of them. The main issue that I see is her confusion over her sexuality. I agree with complexity, I think there is a good chance she may be bisexual. In which case she needs toa crept this and decide if she loves you enough to stay with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

I think a marriage is a solemn agreement for LIFE. I think for her HUSBAND and FAMILY she needs to focus on what really important and has been for many years.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Most of us will develop a bit of a crush on someone at some point in a 40-50 year marriage, that is natural, but of course we shouldn't try and take, or be given, the leeway to explore those feelings.

She has to break contact and get over this, or leave. Gender is not relevant despite the fact that another woman might seem less threatening than a man.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Also if her friend was male would you have her approach him to find out if he had feeling s for her before she re-committed to her? I think not. Not sure why this was different just because she was female.
> 
> The bottomline is that you are currently her second choice.
> 
> She needs to go total NC with her friend and go through withdrawal from her EA.


Because this situation is more complicated. It's more than about her feelings for another person but her confusion about who she is and sexuality. Her confusion interferes in their relationship. 

My advice to you is to tell your wife you need to separate for a short length of time (several months minimum). She needs to explore her sexuality. At the end of that discussed length of time, you guys come back together and re-evaluate your relationship. 

Normally I would not suggest this, a marriage should not be on and off, It should be consistent. But in order for your wife to be whole she needs to know who she is without a dought and not always question herself because of her sexuality confusion. She can not do this within the restraints of a marriage. You may think that this isn't something that may work for you, that you could never do the separation. But until she completes this and knows for sure who she is, it will ALWAYS for the rest of her life come in between her feelings for you. 

Let her go, when she comes back to you you wont feel like the 2nd best. Because she will have chosen you knowing you had her best interest at heart.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

In the cold light of day I can see that I come across as weak and lacking in self respect. In my defense when it all went down my life was rapidly falling apart and my emotional state was interfering with my decision making.

Love song has done a much better job of describing my wifes position than I have so far. In her words it is more about the uncertainty of her sexuality than the emotional connection she felt for a particular person.

I'm not in favor of letting her go and explore her sexuality love song. A physical affair is crossing the line as far as I'm concerned and I won't sanction it. If that is what she needs to do then our marriage is over. 

I'm leaning towards demanding a trial separation so we both have time to clear our heads. Complicating this are the inevitable questions that our families and friends will ask. I'm not comfortable about lying to them, not giving them the full story will only lead to them jumping to conclusions and full disclosure means making public a deeply personal issue for my wife.

She wants to try and patch things up between us. I hope that somehow it can be achieved and I am willing to give her the chance to prove it can be done. But I agree that she needs to be truly remorseful about what she has done and willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. She also needs to be certain that me and this marriage is what she wants above all else.

Having said that, I concede that the sexual confusion will not just go away. If she is unable to truly love a man in the way that I need her to love me then we are headed for separation or a pretend marriage. Neither of which I want.

Discussing it here is helping.


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## sophiem (Mar 22, 2012)

I want to say that it might be necessary for her to use this opportunity to explore parts of herself that need to be realized. As hard as this is emotionally, she may not be able to become a complete person without this self-discovery process.

Be there for her. support her. She has chose you as a life partner, but you must let her be fully herself to be everything she needs to be.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

BTW I took your advice and read your story KanDo. I'm sorry you went through that. I hope that in time I can get my life back on track like you have.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Torn - don't let some of the comments here by other posters fool you. This is not the typical infidelity case and shouldn't be treated as such. You did the right thing in asking her to speak to this other woman. 

I know that from your point this whole idea of separating temporarily without restrictions is hard. You would be waiting in limbo for months. Believe me, I feel for you. But consider what you are really saying. You are saying that you are choosing to give her happiness for the rest of her life up for your convenience.

Let me explain. As it is now, she is talking about reconciling. She wants to try to make things work, after all it really sounds like she wants to be with you. Meanwhile she will always question everything in your relationship and she will always question herself. Things will never be great but just ok (it'll seem that way) because the whole time she will be playing a role she doesn't feel she fits in. 

Eventually after a while she wont be able to keep it up. After all you cant give what you don't have and not knowing who she is and being confident in herself does not bring her happiness. She wont have happiness to give. She'll continue to pull away. You wont feel love because she won't have love to give either. If you don't give this to her, you may end up splitting anyway because like you said you cant be with her if she cant love you like you need her to love you. 

From what I've read from your posts it seems like she wants to be with you. I do believe if you let her go, no strings attached that she will come back to you. But for you to not allow her that happiness is wrong. You swore under oath for better or for worse. Now that the worse is here you need to do what's better for her and not whats best for you in this moment. If you don't that's betrayal of the highest regard, from a spouse.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I disagree. Just because someone is attracted to both sexes doesn't mean they are gay! People think of this in such black and white terms. I have a friend who actually likes women more than men but fell in love with her h. She knows she is attracted to women so it's not a huge thing for her. Your wife seems very confused. I don't think this is really the doom and gloom story. I have another friend who thought she was a lesbian and then found herself attracted to men and now she's married to a man. She still
is attracted to women but it doesn't hurt their relationship. 
I'd suggest MC. Sexual preference isn't so solid and certain. It could work out if she can just figure out what is really going on and you can too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

what if the shoe was on the other foot?

hey hon, I think I might have feeling for FRANK at work and I'm not sure what to do about it do you mind hanging around until I decide to kick you to the curb while I start my new Gay lifestyle.


sounds like second best to me.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Love song, some of what you say rings true to me. But I don't see how me not letting her go of and have romantic liaisons with other people is a betrayal of our wedding vows on my behalf! In fact i'm pretty sure she would be the one in breach of the commitments we made to each other.

Hypotheticaly, if we separated so she could explore her feelings I'm certain it won't be resolved in months. I know my wife well enough to know that her shyness will prevent her from seizing any opportunities that came up. we live in a small town so opportunities are limited and the risk of exposure is high. She might come back after a short time if the distance strengthens her feelings for me. But that won't clear up the uncertainty she has about who she is.

So it's more than likely I'll have to wait in limbo for years rather than months. Meanwhile, our two little girls suffer the consequences of separated parents.

Definitely not a black and white situation.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

I have been reading through posts and am just now starting to feel like I want to share some of the things that are going through my mind. First off, Torn is in a very similar situation to what I am going through. I am at a month now from the entire ILYBNILWY (I Love you but Not IN love with you) discussion. She said she is no longer attracted to me or any men for that matter. Has not wanted sex for years (so she tells me now).

The W says she might be gay but has not come to that conclusion yet. She has not acted on her feelings, other than telling her co-worker (who she is infatuated with). But their friendship has gone through some bumpy times. Just this past week I told the W that she needed to cut the contact with the OW. She agreed. However, she still seems distant and not all there. I sometimes feel that she says one thing but she acts another way. 

We are in MC and that seems to be helping our communication levels. We have talked more openly than any time in the past 10 years of our marriage. 

I think Torn needs to put his foot down and say no more contact with the OW. Separation may be an option, but I would start with the no contact thing first. Ask her openly if she is willing to work on the marriage. Counseling would be a good place to go as well.

I am sticking around for now to see how things shake out. She told me she loved me today for what I thought was the first time in a month. She said she has said the words at other times in the last month, but I honestly do not remember that. Marriage is a tough thing no matter what your decisions are with the OW and the W. You need to do what feels right to you. In my case, I want to see if I can be in the minority and make it work. 

The best advice I can give would be to keep talking in places like this. It helps to get your feelings, frustrations and thoughts out in the open in a place where you will not be judged either way. Do things for yourself. I have been going to the gym for three weeks and have joined a men's softball league. Wanted to do both for quite some time. I know it may sound repetitious but get out and do things for yourself.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> Love song, some of what you say rings true to me. But I don't see how me not letting her go of and have romantic liaisons with other people is a betrayal of our wedding vows on my behalf! In fact i'm pretty sure she would be the one in breach of the commitments we made to each other.


It wouldn't be a betrayal because it would be something ya'll would agree on. No commitment for x amount of months. Have you talked to her about this yet? 



> Hypotheticaly, if we separated so she could explore her feelings I'm certain it won't be resolved in months. I know my wife well enough to know that her shyness will prevent her from seizing any opportunities that came up. we live in a small town so opportunities are limited and the risk of exposure is high. She might come back after a short time if the distance strengthens her feelings for me. But that won't clear up the uncertainty she has about who she is.
> 
> So it's more than likely I'll have to wait in limbo for years rather than months. Meanwhile, our two little girls suffer the consequences of separated parents.
> 
> Definitely not a black and white situation.


I didn't say this would be easy for either one of you or your children. YOu both would have to have a talk with the kids about mommy moving away for a little bit. If it doesn't happen the kids could suffer in a home where mommy isn't happy and no one will be happy. The reason this needs to happen is because she didn't take care of it before she married you. I think you have a point. If she were to do this she would need to open up about it (not be shy) and have a normal female on female relationship. 

I don't agree with years. If it takes her longer than a year to do this than the two of you really need to completely separate. You shouldn't have to wait longer than that for her to figure this out.

Have a talk with her about exploring her sexuality and what I've discussed with you here. Come back and let us know how it goes. I really hope things work out for you.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

torn2012 said:


> Love song, some of what you say rings true to me. But I don't see how me not letting her go of and have romantic liaisons with other people is a betrayal of our wedding vows on my behalf!


Never, ever allow this to happen. Trust me, she'll lose all respect for you and could potentially fall in love with her girlfriend. Either 100% commitment or no commitment. The trial separation is your best bet. She has to decide what and who she wants to have in life.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

hurtandc0nfused said:


> I have been reading through posts and am just now starting to feel like I want to share some of the things that are going through my mind. First off, Torn is in a very similar situation to what I am going through. I am at a month now from the entire ILYBNILWY (I Love you but Not IN love with you) discussion. She said she is no longer attracted to me or any men for that matter. Has not wanted sex for years (so she tells me now).
> 
> The W says she might be gay but has not come to that conclusion yet. She has not acted on her feelings, other than telling her co-worker (who she is infatuated with). But their friendship has gone through some bumpy times. Just this past week I told the W that she needed to cut the contact with the OW. She agreed. However, she still seems distant and not all there. I sometimes feel that she says one thing but she acts another way.
> 
> ...



YOur example proves my point. Her not being sure about what her sexuality is and therefore who she is is interfering in your relationship. I would suggest for you what I've suggested for Torn. Go through my posts to him on this thread and you'll know what i'm talking about. Until you separate (temporarily) your relationship with your wife will continue to deteriorate.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Love Song said:


> It wouldn't be a betrayal because it would be something ya'll would agree on. No commitment for x amount of months. Have you talked to her about this yet?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Are you really telling him he should give his wife a "hall pass"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Quick update guys.

Although my wife agreed to try to save our marriage I could sense that her heart wasn't in it. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she wasn't happy. So she left. Took the kids with her.

I've felt the worst feelings I've ever felt this last week but none of that compared to saying goodbye to my kids... I'm shattered. I don't know what to do...


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Are you really telling him he should give his wife a "hall pass"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you read all the posts here? Do you know what's going on? Do you have actual advice you would like to give?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> Quick update guys.
> 
> Although my wife agreed to try to save our marriage I could sense that her heart wasn't in it. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she wasn't happy. So she left. Took the kids with her.
> 
> I've felt the worst feelings I've ever felt this last week but none of that compared to saying goodbye to my kids... I'm shattered. I don't know what to do...


You could have talked to her about this after I discussed it with you. By not doing so you have now taken yourself out of the loop. She's going to go figure things out on her on and good for her. But I'm not sure she'll come back. I wished you would have taken my advice, I hate to see this happen to you this way. sigh

Edit - maybe you can still talk to her about what I've discussed with you. Dont know that it'll do any good now but it's worth a try. your choice.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She had no right to take your kids


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sophiem said:


> I want to say that it might be necessary for her to use this opportunity to explore parts of herself that need to be realized. As hard as this is emotionally, she may not be able to become a complete person without this self-discovery process.
> 
> Be there for her. support her. She has chose you as a life partner, but you must let her be fully herself to be everything she needs to be.


Are you suggesting that he has to let his wife carry on an affair so she can be a 'complete' person? :scratchhead:

What nonsense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

torn2012 said:


> Quick update guys.
> 
> Although my wife agreed to try to save our marriage I could sense that her heart wasn't in it. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she wasn't happy. So she left. Took the kids with her.
> 
> I've felt the worst feelings I've ever felt this last week but none of that compared to saying goodbye to my kids... I'm shattered. I don't know what to do...


Your wife cannot move the children out of the family home without your premission. 

If you object to her doing this go see an attorney. Ask for an emergency court hearing to have the children returned to the the family home.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Sorry if I gave the impression that she was taking the kids and not bringing them back. That's not the case. We both decided that neither of us are in the right emotional state to care for the kids on our own. She is staying with her mother now so grandma will help look after them while we get our heads straight. I'm by myself in the family home.

I won't be cut off completely and they will still come and stay with dad. The when and how still needs to be worked out. What a mess.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Sorry.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Love Song said:


> Have you read all the posts here? Do you know what's going on? Do you have actual advice you would like to give?


Actually, I have read all the posts. I don't really have any advice, hence the reason I didn't give any. To suggest that he let his wife go explore her sexuality while they are still married, is a breach of their marriage vows. OP is obviously not comfortable doing so and you are stating your advice is the ONLY thing that could save his marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Love Song said:


> You could have talked to her about this after I discussed it with you. By not doing so you have now taken yourself out of the loop. She's going to go figure things out on her on and good for her. But I'm not sure she'll come back. I wished you would have taken my advice, I hate to see this happen to you this way. sigh
> 
> Edit - maybe you can still talk to her about what I've discussed with you. Dont know that it'll do any good now but it's worth a try. your choice.


 Your advice was to let her have both a emotional affair (EA) and a physical affair (PA) with others as she explores her sexuality. You are saying that what he wants and feels does not matter and that only her happiness matters. That is ridiculous. Their vows specifically said that they would forsake all other, thus the open marriage that you are recommending is not part of the deal. He has every right to expect his wife not to cheat on him. He has every right to expect that he be happy. He has every right to expect that what he thinks and feels matters. What you are proposing is a one sided relationship that has nothing to do with the marriage vows that he took. It is not all about her. A marriage requires both to care about the other.

Your advice was bad advice and he was right to ignore it.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

TRy said:


> Your advice was to let her have both a emotional affair (EA) and a physical affair (PA) with others as she explores her sexuality. You are saying that what he wants and feels does not matter and that only her happiness matters. That is ridiculous. Their vows specifically said that they would forsake all other, thus the open marriage that you are recommending is not part of the deal. He has every right to expect his wife not to cheat on him. He has every right to expect that he be happy. He has every right to expect that what he thinks and feels matters. What you are proposing is a one sided relationship that has nothing to do with the marriage vows that he took. It is not all about her. A marriage requires both to care about the other.
> 
> Your advice was bad advice and he was right to ignore it.


:iagree: Wholeheartedly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OP, I can't even imagine how hard this is--because if you are a decent person, you understand that your wife has had to struggle to overcome all the social stigma that kept her in denial of her sexuality for so long. You are right that she cannot explore this within the context of marriage, and commiting to a straight lifestyle when she might be gay would be disastrous for both of you. 

I honestly think you have done the right thing--letting her go. You need to be free, too, so you can find someone (eventually) who is not confused, who knows that they want to be with you in all ways.

Letting your wife go and not using the kids as a weapon will contribute to a much better outcome. Right now you are feeling all the pain of the realization that everything will have to change--but remember, that does not mean the changes will be horrible, disastrous, ruinous. When both parents strive to do what is best for the kids w/o letting their anger at each other interfere with those decisions, the outcome will be just fine. Really. Tons of research proves that it is not divorce that hurts kids, it is being forced to choose sides--in any way. 

It will be ok because you seem to have your head on straight and are making good decisions. God bless.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

You've described the situation well sisters. I am torn between my desire to have the woman I love love me and her desire to be whole and eventually happy.

We can't both have what we want if we stay together. And I love her enough to want her to be happy, even if it means a lot of pain right now.

I'd like some advice on the following if anyone has any to give. You have all been mostly helpful so far.

My wife has labelled this a "trial separation". I desperately want to hold on to the hope that there's a chance we can put our family back together. But I don't want false hope, it will just keep tearing me apart.

Do relationships recover after trial separations? The only example I've seen was between my mother and step father. We all knew that it was over from the moment she left and calling it a trial was just denying the inevitable...

If my wife doesn't develop a relationship with another girl before coming back to me then she may always be unhappy. But if she does engage in a relationship with someone else before deciding she wants to come back then I can't be with her either. I couldn't live with knowing she was with someone else. And as some of you have already said - I need to have some self respect and not be someone else's back up plan.

Would it be wiser to start moving on with my life now rather than holding on to hope? I have followed my heart rather than listening to my instinct so far. Up until now my instinct has been right. My instincts tell me now that while she is saying she hopes she can figure it all out and come back her body language and actions are saying she's gone for good.

When she broke the news to me about how she felt, when she promised to give us another try and when we decided she should leave I was visibly emotional about it. For the most part she wasn't. I read that as her having moved on long before now.

Knowing what she has to lose, and the pain it has caused, and still going through with it says to me that this marriage isn't the most important thing in her life.

I've ignored the warning signs so far, I don't want to fool myself any longer.

Should I just accept that it's over and move on?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Actually, I have read all the posts. I don't really have any advice, hence the reason I didn't give any. To suggest that he let his wife go explore her sexuality while they are still married, is a breach of their marriage vows. OP is obviously not comfortable doing so and you are stating your advice is the ONLY thing that could save his marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





TRy said:


> Your advice was to let her have both a emotional affair (EA) and a physical affair (PA) with others as she explores her sexuality. You are saying that what he wants and feels does not matter and that only her happiness matters. That is ridiculous. Their vows specifically said that they would forsake all other, thus the open marriage that you are recommending is not part of the deal. He has every right to expect his wife not to cheat on him. He has every right to expect that he be happy. He has every right to expect that what he thinks and feels matters. What you are proposing is a one sided relationship that has nothing to do with the marriage vows that he took. It is not all about her. A marriage requires both to care about the other.
> 
> Your advice was bad advice and he was right to ignore it.



A marriage is about whatever life throws at you good or bad, sticking it out you are together to go through it. However this is the only situation that I know of where staying together WILL NOT work. I know all about marriage, I am married. And I don't take my words lightly in telling him what needed to be done. 

Also it would not have been an EA or PA. They would not have been together, they would have separated. If the OP had taken my advice he still may have been able to salvage his relationship. Now they aren't even together. 

I'm interested to know what you think would be his best move here would be, would have been?


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Love song, I just don't agree with you on this one. Regardless of her confusion about who she is I can't be with someone who leaves me to be with someone else. Some people might accept it, but it's a deal breaker for me. It's a betrayal of OUR relationship.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> You've described the situation well sisters. I am torn between my desire to have the woman I love love me and her desire to be whole and eventually happy.
> 
> We can't both have what we want if we stay together. And I love her enough to want her to be happy, even if it means a lot of pain right now.
> 
> ...




This is the last time I will be giving you advice as obviously I am not being heard. The advice I've given you was for the best interests of both parties. How do I know it to be best? Because I lived through it. I know exactly what that confusion is like. I know how your wife feels. And it rings clear to me that you have no idea what she is going through in your posts over and over.

I went to my husband and told him this is what I needed. I didn't want to be married to any other man or woman but I had to figure things out for myself. Eventually he saw what staying in the relationship was doing to me and let me go. We came back together and our love for one another has been stronger than before. 

If you had talked to her, the separation might have worked. The separation was not about you. It was about healing her so that ya'll could get back to having the best marriage you can possibly have. Those who have never gone through being confused over their sexuality don't know what hell that is on a person to try to remain in the marriage. And it is hell. 

If you couldn't live with her doing things than just separate now and move on. And you should know that it is not selfish on her part to want to be whole. She shouldn't have to sacrifice who she is to remain married to you.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Love song - My wife and I discussed many things after she broke the news to me. One of the things I asked was if she needed my blessing to go off and experiment (even though I wasn't willing to give it). She said she couldn't do that to me. 

I get the feeling you are trying to validate what you did to your husband. If he can live with it then you are one lucky person and I wish you well. I'm sorry if you feel like you are being ignored.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

torn2012 said:


> You've described the situation well sisters. I am torn between my desire to have the woman I love love me and her desire to be whole and eventually happy.
> 
> We can't both have what we want if we stay together. And I love her enough to want her to be happy, even if it means a lot of pain right now.
> 
> ...


Problems like a sexuality crisis can't be easily mended over like problems concerning lack of attention, affection or whatever else people may get separated for. 

This is a much deeper issue. 

I do sense she started to check herself out of the marriage for a long time hence her lack of emotion when she broke the news to you. Your situation is particularly difficult because as you said, she won't be happy unless she experiences the "other-side" and if she decides to come home she still won't be happy for what she missed out. There will be a lot of resentment on both sides. I think you should still hold out hope for reconciliation because who knows, the fantasy is never as good as the reality and she might realise that lifestyle isn't for her after all. At the same time however you shouldn't delude yourself, she's evidently thought about this for a long time so you should prepare yourself mentally for the worst case scenario. Definitely begin to detach yourself from her in a cordial, respectful manner. 

I think you should read up on this, they're usually reserved to those impacted by infidelity but the rules are still applicable .

The Healing Heart: The 180

I personally think divorcing and a possible future reconciliation should be for the best, that is if she decides that lifestyle isn't for her and you could get over her being with other women.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Love Song said:


> Also it would not have been an EA or PA. They would not have been together, they would have separated.


 A separation is not a divorce as you are still married. A separation is a time to think things over, it does not give you permission to cheat. Thus it is still an EA and a PA if you cheat while separated. Separated or not, bisexual or not, you cannot have sex with others while married and not call it cheating.



Love Song said:


> I'm interested to know what you think would be his best move here would be, would have been?


 If she wants to separate to think things over OK. If she want to explore having sex and EAs with others, then he needs to go straight to divorce and move on with his life. He needs a partner in life that values his needs as well as her own.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Honestly, I would say, divorce and move on. If she figures things out before you become attached to someone else, and both of you want to try again, then great. But you might be happier alone, or find someone else. She's taking a risk, too. The point of divorcing is so that you can let her go and do whatever she needs and not consider it cheating or an affront to marriage. If she is with someone else when you are divorced, you are more likely to accept that fact--just like people accept the fact that their partner wasn't a virgin when they met (is anyone anymore?) But if you know that for you divorce means no turning back ever, that's ok too. I just do not see anyway for this to work without being excruciatingly painful to you unless you do separate. She really needs to figure this out.

I believe some people in your situation can handle the spouse experimenting with a same-sex partner, because they "get" the sexual confusion thing and don't take it personally. Not everyone is like that, although Love Song's husband was. That's ok--you are not trying to punish your wife for her confusion, and that is really admirable. But she can't expect you to sit and wait, either.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I'm really sorry your going through this, but she should have never agreed to marry you in the first place if she has/had these sexual orientation issues. If somehow this is "dealt" with, its still going to be an ongoing issue until she meets a receptive partner of the same sex or finally leaves you because she does not find men attractive anymore. Yes she is living a lie. 

Furthermore, do you really want to be known as a man that his wife left him for another woman? Do you realize what that does to a man's self esteem, ego and mental health? Take the bull by the horns and head this one at pass brother. 

Be completely honest with her and ask her if she wants to pursue this gay relationship. If so, simply talk to her and just draw up divorce papers that state that you both have irreconcilable differences and that's that. Don't bring the kids into this and don't blame the failure on the wife. Simply move on.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

I guess you haven't read the entire thread bittersweet. A lot of those questions have already been answered.

Yes she has her support network here. She has now moved out and is staying with her mother.

Yes we discussed the scenario of her friend feeling the same way. My wife said that it wouldn't mean she would automatically leave, she would have to decide what she wanted. I read that as "if she wants to be with me then I want to be with her. But first we have decide if our feelings are strong enough to overcome that guilt of breaking up 2 families."

Honestly I think she was a little heart broken that her crush rejected her. I don't know if she expected that.

As for how she is accepting her sexuality... Only she could answer that. She has come a long way in the last few days. After keeping it a secret from everyone for more than a decade she has owned up to her husband, best friend and some family.

As for the kids - we both want what's best for them. My wife won't deny access. She's not a cruel person. Just confused.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> After keeping it a secret from everyone for more than a decade she has owned up to her husband, best friend and some family.


According to the following article, science suggests that most women swing both ways, or at least have the capacity to do so if the right girl comes into the picture.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?pagewanted=all

Read it through a couple of times so you thoroughly understand it, then deal with your wife just as if she was having an affair with some random dude rather than a sexual identity crisis. Go Alpha, in other words.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> According to the following article, science suggests that most women swing both ways, or at least have the capacity to do so if the right girl comes into the picture.
> 
> http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?pagewanted=all
> 
> Read it through a couple of times so you thoroughly understand it, then deal with your wife just as if she was having an affair with some random dude rather than a sexual identity crisis. Go Alpha, in other words.


Intensely interesting article. Thanks for posting it. I don't want to threadjack but the statement that jumped out at me was _"And within a committed relationship, the crucial stimulus of being desired decreases considerably, not only because the woman’s partner loses a degree of interest but also, more important, because the woman feels that her partner is trapped, that a choice — the choosing of her — is no longer being carried out."_ That would seem to confirm the following statement from those who push the alpha position in relationships "women want men that CAN cheat but CHOOSE not to."


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow you really have let her push you around.

Honestly, your wife is an extremely selfish person who is treating you and the kids horribly just so she can cheat. The sex of the partner is irrelevant. She plans on cheating and she wants you to accept it,heck events encourage her. And that's both selfish and sick. 

Get those kids back in the family home with you. Your wife is the one with the desire to cheat you and to end your children's family.

Your wife can have her affair while she signs the divorce papers and leaves the home and family. She very clearly values her selfish wants much more then her family or children. All of you need to stop tolerating her horrible treatment of you. Tell her to divorce and leave the family so the rest of you can move on without her. She can go be totally focused inherent her her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Intensely interesting article. Thanks for posting it. I don't want to threadjack but the statement that jumped out at me was _"And within a committed relationship, the crucial stimulus of being desired decreases considerably, not only because the woman’s partner loses a degree of interest but also, more important, because the woman feels that her partner is trapped, that a choice — the choosing of her — is no longer being carried out."_ That would seem to confirm the following statement from those who push the alpha position in relationships "women want men that CAN cheat but CHOOSE not to."


This is very profound really. You also see women who have the fantasy of a lover who has had many women and knows how to please them but tells her she is the best. This is part of the bad bot thing it seems. Why some women think they can take a bad boy and change him to just be thiers. 

It is is part of preselection as well. She wants the man that other women want. Part of the search for the fittest male available. If she feels she has the fittest male available, she will be attracted to him and would be less likely to look elsewhere. It is just a difficult task for the husband to be all things to his wife all the time. So now add to this the ability to make her feel he could still be desired by other women without actually being availble to other women.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Torn,

I have refrained from posting here because honestly I didn't have much advice to share. Having thought about it for the last 24 hours or so I must say I agree with Shaggy, Machievelli and others. Whether your wife is gay or not is immaterial to the issue. She has fixated on another person and is confused about her relationship to you. Whether that person is male or female is not the point. That person is not you, the one she promised to cherish and love above all others. If she were committed to a woman and chose to cheat on her partner with a male it would be the same. It is betrayal.

If your wife cannot commit to you the marriage is over, plain and simple. If your wife cannot commit to you then you should pursue a divorce so that you can find someone who will choose to love you and not look outside the marriage. Many spouses who begin to look for their needs to be fulfilled outside their marriages will emotionally disconnect from their spouses. If your wife decided she wanted a man who was taller than you, made more money than you, or was more aggressive than you would you be ok with it? The fact that she has turned her attention to having a female fulfill her needs instead of you makes no difference. She has chosen another over her husband. That's enough to file for divorce and move on. If she decides to recommit to her marriage then you have to decide if its worth all the work it will take for you to forgive her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should talk to her friend. She just may be revolted by the whole idea.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Well guys it has been 2 nights since she left. The first was extremely hard because I was completely alone. Just waking up and seeing my bed and the cot next to it empty broke my heart.

Second night was better because I had the kids and I put on a brave face. It went well up until the point that my now 4 year old daughter started asking why mummy doesn't want to live with daddy anymore. She said she doesn't want to stay at nans anymore and she just wants mum to come home. My little girl is smarter than we give her credit for. She knows what's going on and it's hurting her. I'm so sorry that she has to go through this


Also her closest family members have spoken to me about their concerns for her (my wife). She is refusing to talk to anyone about anything and has completely shut them out. Even her sister who she is closer to than anyone. I'm worried that she is in a downward spiral and the damage she is causing will leave her with no one to turn to.

I hate to see her destroy her life over this! I feel a lot of guilt for forcing her to own up to how she felt instead of just letting her deal with it. I know that will sound ridiculous to most of you!

I'm coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is now over. I'm trying my best to follow the 180 and start moving on. Today I'm going to visit the doc to see if they can help me cope with the physical side effects of the duress I've been under. Then I'm going to start buying the things that I need to get by as a single Dad (new car seat, extra bottles, etc...) Hopefully these are the first few steps I need to take to get my life back together. Time to start looking after Torn!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

torn2012 said:


> Well guys it has been 2 nights since she left. The first was extremely hard because I was completely alone. Just waking up and seeing my bed and the cot next to it empty broke my heart.
> 
> Second night was better because I had the kids and I put on a brave face. It went well up until the point that my now 4 year old daughter started asking why mummy doesn't want to live with daddy anymore. She said she doesn't want to stay at nans anymore and she just wants mum to come home. My little girl is smarter than we give her credit for. She knows what's going on and it's hurting her. I'm so sorry that she has to go through this
> 
> ...


So sorry you're going through this torn. The loneliness is often the hardest thing to deal with but it'll eventually get better. Kids know how to rapidly adjust too. 

Regarding your wife, you say she's a good hearted person and was a good wife to you, have you tried reaching out to her? I know it's only been two days, but perhaps maybe you can tell her that you've accepted the reality of things and bear no grudges. I say this because when people recluse to this extent, it's a very worrying sign. She's probably dealing with a lot of guilt right now and that feeling makes people do very irrational things. Perhaps being there for her in this transition period might do some good in the long run.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Whoops - wrong thread


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I feel for you torn; but, I think you are making the right decision for you and your family. Losing your partner is a traumatic experience. This is all new to you and will be difficult. Start looking after yourself and your chikdren. I wonder if the her family know the truth? I hope you are not being villified by her.

Good luck.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

After several days of refection, thinking about all the little indicators about my wife's sexuality i have finally realised what is going on...

My wife IS gay.

It isn't any one thing on its own. It's the sum of all the little things that make her undeniably gay.

I had the epiphany. I sat down and wrote her a letter. Told her that I now know that her struggle now has not been about sexual confusion but rather acceptance of the consequences of coming out.

I told her that I'm ok with it. I love her enough to want her to be happy no matter what. And that I was now ready to let her go...

I thanked her for the wonderful memories she has given me and for providing me with 2 beautiful girls. I told her that I would always be there for them.

In a way it was a gamble because if I was wrong I might have made her decide to choose to go when she still might have stayed. But it felt like the right thing to do.

Turns out it was. My wife came around to pick up some clothes and we had a talk about it. She finally showed the emotion that she had held back this whole time.

She didn't understand why I of all people would understand and forgive. I told her it was because I love her... 

She apologised for what has happened. She never meant to hurt any of us. But she knew it wasn't fair on either of us to continue when she couldn't give all of herself to me. 

Truth was she had known for some time now and she was trying to suppress it, live with it for the sake of me and the kids.

We had a hug, cried a bit. Now that I have accepted her I feel the weight lifting from hers and my shoulders. She started communicating with her family again. I think all she needed was someone to understand her.

So it's official. This is no longer a trail separaiton. Change the thread title. I'm now a single dad. Looks like you were right all along Love Song. I had to let her go. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it's also the only path to happiness for all of us.


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

KanDo. Some of her family know and they know the reason why. Like me they had a hard time accepting at first but they are starting to come around. They havent villified me. In fact my wife has been the target of some of their anger. Mostly because she has been less than honest with them by telling them there is a chance that she might not be gay - "confused". It was her way of softening the blow for everyone. In a way it would have been better to be honest from the start.

Hopefully now she knows that I can accept her for who she is the rest will too and she can tell the whole truth. That way we can all start to learn how to live with was is rather than fight to save what isn't.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

torn2012 said:


> After several days of refection, thinking about all the little indicators about my wife's sexuality i have finally realised what is going on...
> 
> My wife IS gay.
> 
> ...



Good for you for supporting and loving her through it. I hope for you love and happiness in the days and years ahead.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Love Song said:


> Good for you for supporting and loving her through it. I hope for you love and happiness in the days and years ahead.


Why should he support her? She has betrayed and left him. She wasnt gay apparently to have married him and has to kids. Just because she decided to cheat with a person of. The same sex is no reason give her a pass, and that is exactly what you advocate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why should he support her? She has betrayed and left him. She wasnt gay apparently to have married him and has to kids. Just because she decided to cheat with a person of. The same sex is no reason give her a pass, and that is exactly what you advocate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



for all those reading this I DO NOT ADVOCATE INFIDELITY!!!! ahem i am a married woman and would not tolerate such mess. I think it's hard for you to understand what I am saying because you don't understand or know completely what it's like to be bi-sexual or gay in America. 

You've never been told that god doesn't love you and you will forever burn in hell for being who you are. That isn't something you can change (being bi-sexual or gay). When your hated so much for being who you are you respond differently to your environment. 

You keep responding to the OP's situation as if it were the same thing as a heterosexual relationship and it isn't. And shouldn't be treated as such. 

I WAS ADVOCATING THE HEALING OF THE OP'S WIFE AS A PERSON. 

what makes you think she isn't gay? Have you been gay in your life before? Are you gay? Only she can say weather or not she is gay and as we've been told, she is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

But would we feel the same way if she decided she found her soulmate and it was a man? People are looking beyond gender here.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> But would we feel the same way if she decided she found her soulmate and it was a man? People are looking beyond gender here.


That's part of the problem. People continue to think "well if this were a guy, I wouldn't stand for it so than why is this any different"

If it turned out Entropy3000 that your wife was gay and was staying with you because she felt obligated to because "society" tells her it's right, would you want her to stay? Mind you the entire time, her marriage to you would be a lie because she isn't heterosexual or bisexual. No matter what you did, she would never be happy. Having a successful marriage is dependent on both of you taking care of each others needs but you could never do that for her because your not a woman (as she would be gay). And to live that lie would be hell for her, no matter how much she loved you. 

Would you want her to stay knowing the truth?


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

You put things very well Love Song.

Just to tidy up because I don't think it has so far been mentioned directly:

If either or both of the daughters are gay or bisexual then their mother having come through this and their father having been such a star in supporting her through it will make it a lot healthier and easier for them to be themselves. Since there is nothing new under the sun it would be foolish to think that this woman is the first ever gay woman in her family either so what a shame there was no overt pattern of support ready for her. Torn - you certainly faced what was tearing you like a man. Hats off to you and all the best. You will gain all you deserve.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Love Song said:


> for all those reading this I DO NOT ADVOCATE INFIDELITY!!!!
> 
> You keep responding to the OP's situation as if it were the same thing as a heterosexual relationship and it isn't. And shouldn't be treated as such.


I don't think you are advocating or condoning cheating, but I do think you are giving the wife a pass here, and you are pressuring her betrayed husband to not only buck up and take it, but to actually support her.

It's still cheating and the rules and consequences for dealing with cheaters should apply in my opinion.

I don't know if she's gay or not. But she was obviously atleast not enough gay that she built a marriage and a family, and she bears a responsibility to that a they are commitments she made in her vows, and I do believe that ones vows like that do somewhat trump personal desires and wants. 

In the case, the wife has deliberatedly pursued and built a relationship with someone not her spouse. She has abandoned the marriage and family to pursue the affair. This is unethical and selfish behavior regardless of gay or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Love Song said:


> That's part of the problem. People continue to think "well if this were a guy, I wouldn't stand for it so than why is this any different"
> 
> If it turned out Entropy3000 that your wife was gay and was staying with you because she felt obligated to because "society" tells her it's right, would you want her to stay? Mind you the entire time, her marriage to you would be a lie because she isn't heterosexual or bisexual. No matter what you did, she would never be happy. Having a successful marriage is dependent on both of you taking care of each others needs but you could never do that for her because your not a woman (as she would be gay). And to live that lie would be hell for her, no matter how much she loved you.
> 
> Would you want her to stay knowing the truth?


I am not Entropy but I will answer that question. No I would not want her to stay. But I would be just as angry, hurt and upset as I would be if she had cheated with another man. The fact is betrayal is betrayal and as far as I'm concerned the OP was betrayed on a level even worse than someone who simply gets cheated on. His wife married him KNOWING she had these feelings. She did something so cruel that I cannot even fathom it. She married him, allowed him to invest all of his emotions and dreams in her all the while she knew it was a lie. I do not believe in hell but if there were a hell she would definitely end up there. Not because she is gay but because she has committed a 10 year crime and destroyed a family. And please do not tell me it was due to the pressure of conforming to society. There have been many instances where people have done horrible things and tried to use societal influence as justification. I don't buy it.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I don't think you are advocating or condoning cheating, but I do think you are giving the wife a pass here, and you are pressuring her betrayed husband to not only buck up and take it, but to actually support her.
> 
> It's still cheating and the rules and consequences for dealing with cheaters should apply in my opinion.
> 
> ...






Beowulf said:


> I am not Entropy but I will answer that question. No I would not want her to stay. But I would be just as angry, hurt and upset as I would be if she had cheated with another man. The fact is betrayal is betrayal and as far as I'm concerned the OP was betrayed on a level even worse than someone who simply gets cheated on. His wife married him KNOWING she had these feelings. She did something so cruel that I cannot even fathom it. She married him, allowed him to invest all of his emotions and dreams in her all the while she knew it was a lie. I do not believe in hell but if there were a hell she would definitely end up there. Not because she is gay but because she has committed a 10 year crime and destroyed a family. And please do not tell me it was due to the pressure of conforming to society. There have been many instances where people have done horrible things and tried to use societal influence as justification. I don't buy it.


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## Aardvark (Jun 10, 2012)

You have matched my situation 99%. My wife was abused for years during her chiledhood and was never really interested in sex. We are now in marriage counceling and she is going to see if hey fmale feelings are well founded or just a defense mechanism for her abuse. I dont think I will be able to stay married is she is gay and will have no sexual desire for me. All this after 20 years of marrige.....


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

GreenEyes said:


> If she loves you and wants your marriage to work, I don't think that it is unfair for you to request she quit spending time with that friend.... In a marriage, if you want it to work, you have to take the other person's feelings into consideration, and if it makes them uncomfortable or upset you need to do what you can, within reason, to help ease that....
> 
> Her admitting that she has feelings for her friend and is attracted to her is grounds for you to request she quit hanging out with her since you consider that cheating...My H would not consider that cheating haha, he would be on cloud 9 if I said I wanted another chick. However, in your case since you consider it a violation of your relationship, if she really wants it to work with you, she'll respect that.


Yeah, my wife early in our relationship told me she is attracted to women and had one previous relationship with a woman. Our relationship is on the rocks right now but now because of another woman. I've openly let my wife kiss other women in public as me and the other husband watched. It wasn't a big deal because it didn't go any further than that but I would imagine if it did go further than that I might have an issue with it. Careless fun in public is not much of an issue to me, just like college girls at parties who make out, not a big deal.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

But this guys wife actually emotionally cheating on him with another woman is totally different. I think the mental connection is most important, even more so than the physical aspect so when that is breached its a big deal. Atleast she was honest about it though.


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## SportBilly (Jul 13, 2012)

Hi Torn, I relate entirely to what you are saying. I am married to a beautiful woman with two amazing kids. The events of the last 12 months have blown my mind - the highest highs and the lowest lows. My wife and I were engaged in a relationship with her best friend - i wasn't aware that my wife was bisexual prior. Because i was involved the impact of her declaration was far less traumatic in the beginning but then i saw her 'give' herself to this woman in a way that i had been craving for the 17 years i have known her. That moment was when i realised that she was beginning to fall in love with her friend..from there she spent almost every other night at her friends house. I too am from somewhere else where i have a large extended family and friends, so have no support network here. When i left the country we were living in my wife became my support network..when she started to spend more and more time with the friend I realised the importance i'd placed on her for that support. She too pushed me further and further away so i stepped in and really told her how i felt..and i cried alot and i mean alot. Her friend cares about me and so she pulled back from both me and my wife so that she didn't become the cause of our marriage breakdown..we had both grown attached to her seeking an emotional connection that had been missing. 

However, my wife continued to see her as a 'friend' which has always bothered me and the distrust began. I guess I had hoped that this was just a phase but she is now really trying to determine whether it is or not. There is nothing i can do. She cannot be changed. She must decide. 

You must start to make decisions yourself as at the moment you will feel out of control of everything. To help me understand what the f was going on I got a hold of marriage fitness by mort fertel. One of the key messages in this program is that in order for someone to change it has to be their idea. You can't change them and the more needy and upset you get the more distant they get - it is f-up. In listening to the program i realised that we need space apart so that she has the space and mental energy to start to progress with her decision. Me being all over-emotional and melodramatic is pushing her the wrong way..me being strong and accepting will bring her closer...this requires discipline which is easier said than done.

I am intending to move out for 1 week in a couple of weeks and you know just making that decision has made me feel better, more in control of my life. The fitness program talks about fixing yourself..many of the issues you now face are your issues and not hers..including self esteem and self confidence..work to sort those out now otherwise they will rear their heads in other relationships should you decide to move on from your wife. 

I agree with most of the other posts..emotional infidelity is worse than sexual infidelity...

The important thing for you to focus on is (a) you and (b) your children. Imagining a world without your wife is heart-wrenching. A friend of mine has just gone through a separation and one year on after all the phases of a breakup including severe depression he believes he's found his soulmate..isn't that unbelievable..one year or less. A woman that only in his dreams has become a reality. So there are other fantastic woman out there waiting for someone like you.

I'm on anti-depressives as my serotonin levels were all over the show - don't be afraid to talk to your doctor. The drugs (as much as i hate to take them) have calmed me to a point where i am much more centred and able to think clearly - before it was just a big haze like missile had just gone off feet from where i stood. You need support and you need to surround yourself with positive people. Then you will become grateful for what you have..your health and (probably) amazing kids. 

The one thing that makes it slightly easier for me is that my wife is sharing everything with me. She is hiding nothing - this scares the shi% out of me but also shows me she cares and still loves me.

Start thinking about yourself, as a person, as a father and as a man. Put yourself in her position and try to understand what she needs or just ask her. I too am struggling with the thought that to keep my relationship going with my wife it may have to be shared with another woman. That i think is compromising my values of a loving, connected marriage and therefore if that happens i will probably move on.

Regards
SB























torn2012 said:


> Please help...
> 
> I'm in the middle of what might be the end of my marriage. I've been with my wife for nearly 10 years. We've been married for 3 and a half years and we have 2 kids under 4 together.
> 
> ...


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## torn2012 (Mar 23, 2012)

Hi All.
*
It’s been over a year since I started this thread so I’ll fill you in on what has been happening since my wife came out.
*
First of all, I’d like to apologise for my long absence. I am very grateful for the support I received from the TAM community during my difficult time. I recognize that I need to return the favor afforded to me by helping others. But after dealing with the initial shock of what occurred, I needed to spend some time away from TAM. Reading everyone else’s sad stories was giving me a warped view of relationships. Now I am in a much better place so I’m ready to give others the benefit of my experience.
*
Sport Billy and Aardvark – If you are still out there I’m more than happy to talk about your situations if I can be of any assistance.
*
So now to the update. The first few months after separating from my wife were quite difficult. Fortunately I was wise enough to seek help straight away. My doctor diagnosed me with depression and helped me deal with the chemical imbalance. I spent time with counselors who helped me deal with the emotional trauma and gave me guidance on how to get my life in order. Most importantly I accepted offers of help from close friends and family which was instrumental in me getting back on my feet.
*
It wasn’t easy. It was an emotional roller coaster. Some days I was ok with things. Some days I’d be angry at the injustice of it all. But after a few months something finally clicked.
*
The fog lifted enough for me to be able to look back on my marriage and see it for what it was. Terrible. My wife wasn’t the right person for me, gay or not. She never gave me the affection I craved. She was very lazy. She was verbally and emotionally abusive. She didn’t support me in the way a partner should as I had done for her. I know now that most of her behavior was about her resentment of the situation she was in and not because of my failings as a husband.
*
I wasn’t perfect either mind you. I grew disheartened by the lack of communication, the affection starvation and her general lack of effort in keeping our marriage healthy. Over time I my efforts also fell away.
*
So now I was able to recognise that the break up wasn’t something I should view as a loss. It was an opportunity to find someone who could be all the things I had wanted and deserved.
*
From that point on things gradually got better.
*
I became a better father to my kids. The 50/50 custody arrangement forced me to spend all my time and energy on them during my days and gave me the time to sort out my affairs during her days.
*
I mentioned my ex was lazy – well when she left my household workload actually dropped! I hadn’t realized just how much time I spent cleaning up after her until she went. I suddenly had time for a social life again!
*
I dated a girl for a brief time. She clearly wasn’t right for me… Rebound anyone? One step forward, two steps back. Fortunately I was wise enough to end it before anyone got too hurt. As much as I wished it didn’t happen I guess it was helpful in my development. My confidence had taken a beating during my marriage so it was good to know that I could be worthy of someone’s affection.
*
Meanwhile my ex started a relationship with the girl that she left me for (the one that initially rejected her advances). This didn’t concern me nearly as much as I thought it would. In fact, I was glad. My biggest fear was that the confusion of sexuality was just an excuse to for her to leave. If she had engaged in a heterosexual relationship after leaving it would have been a bigger blow to my self esteem.
*
She is still publicly in the closet. I expect that when she finally comes out the people in my life who didn’t know will be a little more sympathetic to my plight. When you fail to tell people the full story they tend to fill the gaps with their imagination. There was a nasty rumour that the marriage ended because I was unfaithful. It didn’t concern me because the people spreading it weren’t people I care for and anyone who knew me well enough dismissed it.
*
I hired a lawyer and sorted out the separation of assets. That was one of the most difficult things to come to terms with. My lawyer told me upfront that I shouldn’t expect the result to be “fair” or “just”. The legal system in Australia when enforced was heavily in her favour. I’d love to go into further detail about this but that’s a story for another day.
*
I filed for divorce soon after the minimum separation time had expired (1 year in Aus) and I expect it will be finalized in June.
*
My mental health improved significantly after about 3 months of separation. There was the odd momentary lapse but overall life was better than it had been for a long time.
*
Then, unexpectedly, I met a remarkable woman. We hit it off immediately. I could tell straight away that she was all the things I’ve always wished for in a partner. Kind, affectionate, funny, intelligent and a great communicator. The added bonus is that she is stunningly beautiful.
*
She had a similarly difficult time with a relationship in the past and seemed to be in the same headspace as I was. Despite both of us being cautious because of being burnt by bad relationships, we both knew from the moment we met that there was something special between us. We immediately let go of our fears and let ourselves be swept up in the moment.
*
That was 8 months ago and we’re still together now. It’s still early days but I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be. One might say that the universe (or God if you believe) prepared us for this moment by showing us how much worse things could be. Because of this we both have a deep appreciation for this relationship.
*
I am much better off now that I am out of the bad relationship I was in. My children are also better off despite the whole two homes deal. Being raised in two happy homes is better than living in one unhappy home.
*
So for anyone who followed my story as it unfolded, and for anyone who stumbles across it later – the lesson that can be learned from my experience is that the old saying is true. Time heals all wounds. I’ll admit that it happened much quicker than I expected. And I’ll acknowledge that it’s still too early to know for sure that there won’t be problems down the track. But for anyone going through what I’m going through you need to know that in time the pain that you are experiencing will subside.
*
Happy living guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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