# GAH... It really is tough to have friends of the opposite sex...



## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

As so many others' here have experienced, it's really hard to have opposite sex friendships sometimes! When I was younger, no problem. It seems to get more and more complicated with age. 

I have a good friend, he was my teacher and advocate in high school. Then we established a nice friendship after I graduated. We are both artists and would create together, help each other with projects, etc. 

After a friendship that started in the freakin' 80's... I have to take a big step back. He asked me to come by to help with a project. Sure, normal. I went. For the hour and a half I was there he was handsy... I blew it off, figured he was in a tactile mood. He asked me to rub a sore shoulder... nope, no thanks. And then when I left, a kiss on the cheek or a hug are normal for us, he went for close to the lips. 

It wasn't until I got in my car that I could process it. Told my husband about it, he thought it was odd too. Anyway. Now, I'm just annoyed. WTF was he thinking? I tried to analyze my actions.. but I don't think there is much there. He was gone all winter, I hadn't talked to him since he left last fall. This was the first time we hung out this year. We don't really call or text, just catch each other at work or home usually. Sigh. 

What about y'all? Tell me about your complicated friendship roads so I feel like I'm in good company.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I do not know all the details so this may be way off the mark.
Things may change in this person life and he may be looking for something new or different.
After my Wife died in 2002 and I was ready to start dating again I did look at all my single female friends; I was a bit upfront with them about exploring if there was more to the friendship.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Another example that people in a relationship do not need
opposite sex friends. Their spouse's job is to take care of the
job of being the opposite sex friend.

This artist teacher, now friend, has been wanting to bang you when
it would of been statutory rape. It just took him a long time to
make his move.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> Another example that people in a relationship do not need
> opposite sex friends. Their spouse's job is to take care of the
> job of being the opposite sex friend.


This seems to be the prevailing opinion, but I've never agreed with it. A spouse seldom has all the attributes to fulfill all friendship roles, and same sex friends may not either. I've always been friends with both men and women, and have not had any problems or drama with it, or have easily dealt with any before they became an issue. There have been very few that didn't respond to this, so I've only decided to end a very few friendships over persistent pushing of boundaries.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

My thoughts mirrored @Max.HeadRoom's:
"Things may change in this person life and he may be looking for something new or different."

Has something changed in your friend's life that would cause him to act out (inappropriately) in a manner inconsistent with your very long-term friendship? Profound loneliness? 

While I do have friendships with the opposite sex (gasp!) none of them are complicated. I treasure and value these relationships, as you clearly do with your friend and mentor. Years ago when a close friend went through a painful divorce, the energy with him changed. He put out metaphorical, vague "feelers" my way. I did what you have done, told my husband. We talked about it, sympathized with this man's situation and assumed he was slightly, temporarily, out of his mind. Which of course he was. And that was that. Our friend started dating, found a wonderful new woman, confidence restored, sanity returned, end of complication. 

I hope your relationship recovers and your friend's out of character actions have an explanation. If not, and the handsy, inappropriate attempts continue, you will probably have to end the friendship.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It is possible for men and women to be friends and nothing more.

As long as neither of them is attracted to the other.

Otherwise, forget it.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Saige said:


> What about y'all? Tell me about your complicated friendship roads so I feel like I'm in good company.


It would appear this friend has always had feeling for you beyond friendship, and for various reasons (you being too young, you being in a relationship) he has pushed those feelings aside to keep you in his life. Something has changed or the feelings have grown to much for him to ignore them. It is sad but he has changed the dynamic. 

My wife and I both have opposite sex friends. Mostly friends who are or were part of a couple we are friendly with. Sometimes the strongest part of the friendship is between me and the woman in the other couple or my wife and the man. One female friend of ours is part of a couple and her and I are very close. We text often, go out to lunch or hang out with our kids together without the spouses from time to time because my wife and her husband both travel quite a bit for work. Now there is nothing sexual to this friendship in any way and I am also close to the guy and my wife is close to her. It just so happens that both her and I work from home, volunteer for stuff at our kids school. We're pals.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

Don't Panic said:


> My thoughts mirrored @Max.HeadRoom's:
> "*Things may change in this person life and he may be looking for something new or different."
> *
> *Has something changed in your friend's life that would cause him to act out (inappropriately) in a manner inconsistent with your very long-term friendship? Profound loneliness?
> ...


When he was a bit more touchy then normal, I thought he was maybe sad and needed a hug or something. He had a pretty big health scare a couple years ago, I thought maybe something like that was up. This is the first time in almost 30 years I've even gotten a little bit of this vibe from him. Something has changed, I don't know what... and he's put me in a position where I can't ask. We weren't really talking personal stuff, we got right down to business, he wanted help with setting up an online sales site, so we were doing that.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

oldtruck said:


> Another example that people in a relationship do not need
> opposite sex friends. Their spouse's job is to take care of the
> job of being the opposite sex friend.
> 
> ...


My husband and I are polar opposites. There is no way he can fill every role in my life. 

I'm decades and decades beyond statutory rape.... lol. That's just silly.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> This seems to be the prevailing opinion, but I've never agreed with it. A spouse seldom has all the attributes to fulfill all friendship roles, and same sex friends may not either. *I've always been friends with both men and women*, and have not had any problems or drama with it, or have easily dealt with any before they became an issue. There have been very few that didn't respond to this, so I've only decided to end a very few friendships over persistent pushing of boundaries.


Same here for the most part. I really like this friendship. And romance or flirtation have never been part of our interaction, no drama. It definitely threw me for a loop. I still call him Mr. .. in my head even though he's insisted for 20+ years I should call him by his first name.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

happyhusband0005 said:


> It *would appear this friend has always had feeling for you beyond friendship*, and for various reasons (you being too young, you being in a relationship) he has pushed those feelings aside to keep you in his life. Something has changed or the feelings have grown to much for him to ignore them. *It is sad but he has changed the dynamic. *
> 
> My wife and I both have opposite sex friends. Mostly friends who are or were part of a couple we are friendly with. Sometimes the strongest part of the friendship is between me and the woman in the other couple or my wife and the man. One female friend of ours is part of a couple and her and I are very close. We text often, go out to lunch or hang out with our kids together without the spouses from time to time because my wife and her husband both travel quite a bit for work. Now there is nothing sexual to this friendship in any way and I am also close to the guy and my wife is close to her. It just so happens that both her and I work from home, volunteer for stuff at our kids school. We're pals.


There is nothing here to indicate that. 

Yes, I agree, the dynamic has changed!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Saige said:


> Same here for the most part. I really like this friendship. And romance or flirtation have never been part of our interaction, no drama. It definitely threw me for a loop. I still call him Mr. .. in my head even though he's insisted for 20+ years I should call him by his first name.


Perhaps it will suffice to talk to him and set a firm boundary. He may be able to observe it, once you're clear with him, and not jeopardize the friendship. I think many such problems are easily resolved, but often, people won't try to discuss it - they just disappear.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Opinions fall across the spectrum, but mine is that close friendships with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship is not only a bad idea, but also unnecessary. There is only one thing an opposite sex friend can offer that a same sex friend can't - and in both cases it's between their legs. 

My wife and I have no close friends of the opposite sex. I can't imagine it being any other way. 

So, what are you going to do regarding your "friend"? Did your husband have any reaction beyond thinking it was odd?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is possible for *some* people to have friendships with the opposite sex, but for others it isn't. Unfortunately for it to work BOTH people need to be able to do this.

Don't give up, but you do need to keep your eyes open for warning signs that the other person wants more than friendship - and don't forget to keep an eye on your own feelings as well.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Saige said:


> My husband and I are polar opposites. There is no way he can fill every role in my life.
> 
> *I'm decades and decades beyond statutory rape*.... lol. That's just silly.


You may be decades beyond it now, but that is how long your teacher has been wanting to make his move on you.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> You may be decades beyond it now, but that is how long your teacher has been wanting to make his move on you.


I'm married now.... 

Before this marriage, for 5 years I was single. And so was he. If he was waiting out statutory rape, he had a five year window 15 years ago. 

And actually, I moved out of my parents into my own apartment while in high school... he freakin' could have done it then if he was such a scum bag. 

Still pure silliness... I wouldn't entertain a almost 3 decade long friendship with a jerk.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> Perhaps it will suffice to talk to him and set a firm boundary. He may be able to observe it, once you're clear with him, and not jeopardize the friendship. I think many such problems are easily resolved, but often, people won't try to discuss it - they just disappear.


Yes. I've had to have 'the talk' with other male friends. I'm going to wait it out for a bit though. Too much on my plate right now to take on new drama.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> Opinions fall across the spectrum, but mine is that close friendships with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship is not only a bad idea, but also unnecessary. There is only one thing an opposite sex friend can offer that a same sex friend can't - and in both cases it's between their legs.
> 
> My wife and I have no close friends of the opposite sex. I can't imagine it being any other way.
> 
> So, what a*re you going to do *regarding your "friend"? Did your *husband have any reaction *beyond thinking it was odd?


Stepping back, not interacting for now. Which isn't a big deal, we typically don't see each other or talk on a regular basis.

Nope, not really. Just encouraged me to work it out. Asked if he was OK, we both thought it might have something to do with his health or a problem.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

uhtred said:


> It is possible for *some* people to have friendships with the opposite sex, but for others it isn't. Unfortunately for it to work BOTH people need to be able to do this.
> 
> *Don't give up, but you do need to keep your eyes open for warning signs that the other person wants more than friendship* - and don't forget to keep an *eye on your own feelings *as well.


Yes, very good advice. Thanks! 

I'll be super careful with transparency with my husband too. Normally if I make plans with other males, I am always sure my husband knows, well, any friend for the most part. But, I'll be sure to keep him in the loop more then usual. He really doesn't worry, and trusts me, but I would want it from him, so I'll keep him informed even though he doesn't expect it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think in some cases you can help by guiding conversations in the right direction. Work, politics, travel sports etc are all neutral. Avoid discussions of personal lives or relationships, and in particular making or listening to any negative comments about romantic partners.


Still, it can be really frustrating when you want a friend and the other person wants something more. 




Saige said:


> Yes, very good advice. Thanks!
> 
> I'll be super careful with transparency with my husband too. Normally if I make plans with other males, I am always sure my husband knows, well, any friend for the most part. But, I'll be sure to keep him in the loop more then usual.  He really doesn't worry, and trusts me, but I would want it from him, so I'll keep him informed even though he doesn't expect it.


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