# Wife can't make me feel loved or the most important thing in her life - just venting



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I don't know what to do...I have talked to her and written to her about how I feel. To me, it is just getting to a point where i am about to stop asking her anything...she just doesn't understand the need for me to see that she wants to fix our problems...she doesn't invest in our relationship...doesn't think how to surprise you, how to show you she loves you - in a way that you need - she just doesn't get or it is not withing her to do it...she doesn't understand that sometimes once in a while I need to feel that she is there for me...she doesn't talk to me about anything relationship related...she avoids conflict or when I talk to her about sex, she seems unconfortable...she says that when I ask her new things, I come across as being unsatisfied when I just communicating what I would like to experience next time is she is up for it....i just don't feel like i can talk to her....she takes everything in the negative - maybe is my fault for being kind of aggressive when talking about it, but when i look at her, and see her face, i can't help to feel like here we go again...she doesn't feel confortable or confident about our sex life....i guess is my fault too, but to be honest i don't know what to do to fix myself and stop asking to feel loved....she doesn't make me feel like I am the most important thing in the world to her....she doesn't think about sex, which makes me feel very sad as i feel like everything she does she does it for me and not because she wants it....wich is killing me.....just can't find in me to accept what we have....you don't understand, that if I stop trying to be closer to her, we'll grow apart...she doesn't know how to communicate (her parents and siblings are the same)....so what to do...don't know...


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Print that out and hand it to her? I wonder if that would awaken her? OR show her some stats on EA and PA and divorce. Maybe then she will pay attention.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I confess it makes me very frustrated when spouses don't take each other seriously. What *else* is there in life that is more important?


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Sometimes you tell us your wife is a sweet lady and does her best to fulfill your needs. 

Sometimes you feel bad that she doesn't fulfill your fantasy. 

If she tries hard to fulfill your needs, then you are happy. 

If she doesn't, then you are here telling us you are not happy. 

You are not stable emotionally. 

A man who is not emotional stable is difficult to live with, hope you understand this. 

I feel sorry for your wife.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think the fact that you posted that your wife doesn't makes you feel loved in the sex section is very telling. It seems you strongly associate having sex with love. Your wife doesn't seem to have quite the same strength of association of sex and love. 

While I do see some indication that your wife doesn't take you seriously, I also think, based on your posts here, that you push really hard. If there's a reason why she brushes you off, you pushing so hard only makes her back off farther. I also think you're so focused on getting her to do what you want sexually so you'll feel loved that maybe you don't see other things that she does to make you feel loved. And if you don't see, and appreciate what she does to make you feel loved, she'll be even less inclined to do what you want. So...you end up here. 

Try backing off the sex issue for a bit. Try looking to see if you can find some things that she does to show you love. If you see those things, show her some appreciation for them. See if that changes anything.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Your wife sounds like my husband.

I associate sex with love, always have, probably always will. While I know it's screwed up, it's just who I am. Reject me sexually, I don't feel loved - period - end of story. And yes, I've expressed this to my husband, he's aware of it but acts like it doesn't matter. Or, if it does matter, he doesn't show it to me.

I've also tried backing off the sex, all that does it make the times between intimacy just longer, has solved no problems.

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't. First I'm pressuring, then I don't want to have sex because I stopped pressuring, then its all about me because I want to have a good time too. There is no winning here for anyone in my house.

Good luck - for those that feel loved by their spouses - I'm happy for you - for those that don't - I know how you feel.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Go reread all your posts and then ask yourself if she should meet you halfway. You say nothing positive about her and feel entitled to everything. Sex 5 times a week still doesn't make you happy. You want her to be willing and up for anything, anytime, at your beck and call. She is a living, human being and somebody you vowed to love, honor and cherish. I don't see much of that from your posts.
Just my two cents.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

It is not about sex, it is about showing you that you know your spouse...she doesn't know me...you cannot expect to give love to somebody in the way you would like to receive it...you have to understand that men and women are different, so if I give my wife love the way she understands it, then she should be able to give me love in the way I needed....is so hard to think about your spouse and try to do something for them that you know will bring happiness to their hearts?....i tell her everyday how much i love her, i deal with her lack of communication, i understand i need to accept her the way she is, but i need to feel like she understands the importance of having some emotion some excitement in our marriage...if not, what is left?


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Sometimes you tell us your wife is a sweet lady and does her best to fulfill your needs.
> 
> Sometimes you feel bad that she doesn't fulfill your fantasy.
> 
> ...


Greenpearl, you know what happens when you are trying to fix your marriage, when you and your spouse are complete opposite, you are in a rollercoster, goes from feeling hopefull, to feeling sad.....i have been with my w for 22 years in total, and i lover her very much, i just am tired of not having in my life the kind of closeness that feeling your spouse attention for your gives......you have your problems and keep dealing with them everyday, and i am happy that you more or less make peace with your demons, me, i am still trying to find balance or a way to let go of them.....if i stop asking for my wife better, i know we'll grow apart, i know our sex life will be more or less the same all the time, i know, she won't do much to change anything we have...now my question is, how to heck i find peace?


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Greenpearl, you know what happens when you are trying to fix your marriage, when you and your spouse are complete opposite, you are in a rollercoster, goes from feeling hopefull, to feeling sad.....i have been with my w for 22 years in total, and i lover her very much, i just am tired of not having in my life the kind of closeness that feeling your spouse attention for your gives......you have your problems and keep dealing with them everyday, and i am happy that you more or less make peace with your demons, me, i am still trying to find balance or a way to let go of them.....if i stop asking for my wife better, i know we'll grow apart, i know our sex life will be more or less the same all the time, i know, she won't do much to change anything we have...now my question is, how to heck i find peace?


And that's the problem. You know the problem, you're trying to work on it, but no one can tell you "how" to "deal" with it!

I'm in counselling and I get a lot of sound advice, but it doesn't change how it feels in my heart - where is the fix for that?


----------



## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I think the fact that you posted that your wife doesn't makes you feel loved in the sex section is very telling. It seems you strongly associate having sex with love. Your wife doesn't seem to have quite the same strength of association of sex and love.
> 
> While I do see some indication that your wife doesn't take you seriously, I also think, based on your posts here, that you push really hard. If there's a reason why she brushes you off, you pushing so hard only makes her back off farther. I also think you're so focused on getting her to do what you want sexually so you'll feel loved that maybe you don't see other things that she does to make you feel loved. And if you don't see, and appreciate what she does to make you feel loved, she'll be even less inclined to do what you want. So...you end up here.
> 
> Try backing off the sex issue for a bit. Try looking to see if you can find some things that she does to show you love. If you see those things, show her some appreciation for them. See if that changes anything.


:iagree:


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Marco, I haven't commented on any of your posts previously, but here goes...

You seem like a very selfish lover. Everything you've posted is about you... What you want, what makes you feel good, etc. You never seem satisfied with what you have.

Given that, it's no wonder your wife doesn't want to invest in the relationship, isn't comfortable talking about sex, isn't confident, and takes things negatively. If you had a supervisor at work who was constantly pushing you to do better at work, that would never be happy with your current performance, how would you feel? 

And then it seems like you also want her to act like it's the best thing she's ever experienced, even if she didn't particularly care for it. You can't force someone to enjoy something... 

My advice, slow down on the constant pushing of new experiences and ideas... Savor what you currently have. Add things in gradually, see what she likes. If she likes something, keep it in the toolkit. If she doesn't, try something else in a bit that she might. Work WITH her, not ON her. 

Either that, or find someone who matches you better. You'll never be happy with her, apparently. The odd thing is, with most people that post in forums, you hear the good side of that person posting, and the bad side of the person being posted about. In your case, your wife seems like a saint for putting up with you, and you... Not so much.

Just my $0.02. I don't know you at all, and I'm sure you're a great guy to have a beer with. So don't take this the wrong way. Just throwing out ideas.

C


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Give her clear instructions. So she can't mistake. I would do whatever I can to please my husband but he seemed not needing a thing. It seems I'm the only person who needs sex in the marriage.
I don't mean he doesn't love me. He does love me and spoil me in many ways, including sex, he loves to do all the work and focus on me, as long as I have my O, even he's without ejaculation is totally fine with him. Marco, we're really 2 extreme cases. Our spouse never seeks for a balance point. So now I asked him to give me clear instructions. How would he love his tool being sucked? Tell me, I'm all ears.
So give your wife instructions, for example, "open your legs and finger yourself in front of me, meanwhile suck my c, harder, faster..." Whatever you love to see her do, give her clear instructions!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

PBear said:


> Marco, I haven't commented on any of your posts previously, but here goes...
> 
> You seem like a very selfish lover. Everything you've posted is about you... What you want, what makes you feel good, etc. You never seem satisfied with what you have.


I went back and read some of your posts. (Yay, finally figured out how to do that!) And I cannot help but agree with this. You want vid. You want squirt....

Does she feel pressured? If she feels pressured to go outside her comfort zone, that can be very demotivating.



> My advice, slow down on the constant pushing of new experiences and ideas... Savor what you currently have.
> Add things in gradually, see what she likes. If she likes something, keep it in the toolkit. If she doesn't, try something else in a bit that she might. Work WITH her, not ON her.


I would add VISIBLY savor. Let her see your happiness. Let her build confidence.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

PBear said:


> Marco, I haven't commented on any of your posts previously, but here goes...
> 
> You seem like a very selfish lover. Everything you've posted is about you... What you want, what makes you feel good, etc. You never seem satisfied with what you have.
> 
> Given that, it's no wonder your wife doesn't want to invest in the relationship, isn't comfortable talking about sex, isn't confident, and takes things negatively. If you had a supervisor at work who was constantly pushing you to do better at work, that would never be happy with your current performance, how would you feel?


Well of course its about him on his posts, he's the one who is posting. We don't see his wife out here.

You're right, he's not satisfied with what he has, he's made that clear. He's also told us (his side of the story), that his wife knows it too and has decided not to change.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...sex is like air, you don't know how much you need it until you don't have any.

It appears that he needs sex to feel loved, if he's not getting sex, he feels unloved - pretty simple to me. And since he's not feeling loved and sex is the reason - then it's become his #1 priority and it's overshadowing everything else and becoming his primary focus - I am in the same boat and totally understand what he is saying and how he feels.

And I agree with not pressuring and trying to focus on other things and see what happens. That can work and does for some, but doesn't for others - but nothing tried, nothing gained.

Instead of focusing on how selfish or self-centered anyone thinks he is, trying emphathizing and putting yourself in "his shoes."

If your sex life is satisfying, then you can't really know how he feels, can you?

And that beer sounds good to me too!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It appears that he needs sex to feel loved, if he's not getting sex, he feels unloved - pretty simple to me.


I thought somewhere he said he was having sex 5 x per week. Did I misread that?



> And I agree with not pressuring and trying to focus on other things and see what happens. That can work and does for some, but doesn't for others - but nothing tried, nothing gained.


The thing that sucks is that one can only change oneself. And HOPE that that change causes some kind of positive reaction in the other. You can't MAKE someone else change. So the only thing you are left with is trying to puzzle out what motivators to touch to get the desired change.



> Instead of focusing on how selfish or self-centered anyone thinks he is, trying emphathizing and putting yourself in "his shoes."


I think people were trying to help him. Your opinion of help differs. That's good. Different PoV can be nothing but helpful.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Marco, your wife is a rational woman, so she needs you to give her a written manual- how to please your man in bed. 
My husband is an engineer, so his brain works like engineering. After I wrote him 100 letters I realise I can't get him to express his emotional needs, so it's better he prepares for me a manual of instructions. So I know how to make him happy in bed exactly the way he wants. 
Same for your wife. Forget about she can't understand you want love. Give her instructions when it's time to get naked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trust me, I'm not getting nearly as much sex/air as I'd like either, so I know what it's like. It's been multiple months since my last breath (long story, current drought is self-inflicted, but it was once a week to once a month before that). So I don't have too much sympathy for someone whining about how their wife doesn't ENJOY anal (even though she was willing to try), or that they only have sex 4x a week or whatever.

To me, it seems that his wife has bent over backwards (literally, in some cases) to accomodate his wishes... But his wishes keep getting more and more... Demanding? Kinky? Whatever... How can anyone NOT feel pressured or lose confident when their partner keeps moving the target like that? I have a vision that every time he opens his mouth to talk about sex, her eyes roll back in her head, and she thinks "What is it this time? When do the midgets and Great Danes come in?"...

Like I said, I realize that we only get his side... But usually, the poster's side is portrayed in a way that makes them look good. 

C


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I thought somewhere he said he was having sex 5 x per week. Did I misread that?
> 
> 
> The thing that sucks is that one can only change oneself. And HOPE that that change causes some kind of positive reaction in the other. You can't MAKE someone else change. So the only thing you are left with is trying to puzzle out what motivators to touch to get the desired change.
> ...


He did have lots of unsatisfied sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

PBear said:


> Trust me, I'm not getting nearly as much sex/air as I'd like either, so I know what it's like. It's been multiple months since my last breath (long story, current drought is self-inflicted, but it was once a week to once a month before that). So I don't have too much sympathy for someone whining about how their wife doesn't ENJOY anal (even though she was willing to try), or that they only have sex 4x a week or whatever.
> 
> To me, it seems that his wife has bent over backwards (literally, in some cases) to accomodate his wishes... But his wishes keep getting more and more... Demanding? Kinky? Whatever... How can anyone NOT feel pressured or lose confident when their partner keeps moving the target like that? I have a vision that every time he opens his mouth to talk about sex, her eyes roll back in her head, and she thinks "What is it this time? When do the midgets and Great Danes come in?"...
> 
> ...


The portray can look perfect, but he has a problem in marriage that he wishes to be solved.
To ask for love, he might vent to his wife, then she thought she just needed to open her legs more often as her work for him, but his wife didn't understand that he simply wants to be desired and he simply wishes to see his wife want him badly by herself, so she would give him a surprise instead of a convenient ass.
When he must always tell her what to do, and then see she's just offering her ass to pity him, it turns him off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

PBear said:


> Trust me, I'm not getting nearly as much sex/air as I'd like either, so I know what it's like. It's been multiple months since my last breath (long story, current drought is self-inflicted, but it was once a week to once a month before that). So I don't have too much sympathy for someone whining about how their wife doesn't ENJOY anal (even though she was willing to try), or that they only have sex 4x a week or whatever.
> 
> To me, it seems that his wife has bent over backwards (literally, in some cases) to accomodate his wishes... But his wishes keep getting more and more... Demanding? Kinky? Whatever... How can anyone NOT feel pressured or lose confident when their partner keeps moving the target like that? I have a vision that every time he opens his mouth to talk about sex, her eyes roll back in her head, and she thinks "What is it this time? When do the midgets and Great Danes come in?"...
> 
> ...


Okay - some of this was pretty funny...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> The portray can look perfect, but he has a problem in marriage that he wishes to be solved.
> To ask for love, he might vent to his wife, then she thought she just needed to open her legs more often as her work for him, but his wife didn't understand that he simply wants to be desired and he simply wishes to see his wife want him badly by herself, so she would give him a surprise instead of a convenient ass.
> When he must always tell her what to do, and then see she's just offering her ass to pity him, it turns him off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This one was good too!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> When he must always tell her what to do, and then see she's just offering her ass to pity him, it turns him off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


God help her then. What is she supposed to do at that point? What a conundrum.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MsLonely, I agree with you that he's got a problem in his marriage, and he's trying to resolve it. And to be honest, he's doing a better job of trying to resolve his issues than I did with mine. Much better communication than I used. I made the mistake of not talking about my dissatisfaction, and building up my resentment. As our counselor says... You can pay early (by talking about something when it happens), or you can pay later with interest (talk about it after years of resentment)... Either way, you're going to pay.

The problem I see though is that he's trying to get her to change the way she feels about sex, or about what she wants. It's much easier to change your actions than it is to change your feelings. It's like a man complaining that his wife never has an orgasm... Would it be better if she fakes the orgasm just to make him feel better, or should they work together to help her achieve the orgasm. He doesn't seem to be working on what SHE enjoys, but what HE enjoys. If you want your partner to enjoy sex more, I think you'd get more mileage out of working on what they enjoy. And if it turns out that they like vanilla, but you like wild tropical mango with sprinkles, then there may be an issue...

If they're not compatible sexually, and it's that bad for him, I don't see a lot of options... Accept the fact that she does things but doesn't necessarily get into them as much... Get an "open relationship" agreement so he can go outside the marriage to get his kink on... Have an affair without her knowledge... Or end the marriage and find someone who shares his passions. There may be others, but that's off the top of my head.

And for the record, I also wouldn't be accepting of a dead-fish sex life... It wouldn't be satisfying for me, and I'd likely pick one of the options I mentioned above. In my case, I'm going with the last one, as there's other significant issues as well.

C


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The more I read his posts, the more I wonder if he posts just to get a rise out of people. 
Again, just my two cents.


----------



## Gemini85 (Dec 17, 2010)

Have a serious sit-down with her Marco...the only way you two can get down to the core of the problem is if you both communicate about it...which you are...but she isn't. It takes TWO...she needs to realize that. I would ask her a simple question......ask her does she want the marriage to work? .....See what she says.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And that's the problem. You know the problem, you're trying to work on it, but no one can tell you "how" to "deal" with it!
> 
> I'm in counselling and I get a lot of sound advice, but it doesn't change how it feels in my heart - where is the fix for that?


EXACTLY!!:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I went back and read some of your posts. (Yay, finally figured out how to do that!) And I cannot help but agree with this. You want vid. You want squirt....
> 
> Does she feel pressured? If she feels pressured to go outside her comfort zone, that can be very demotivating.
> 
> ...


Thanks....i try, i let the time go by, and focus on what we have until one day there is something that brings back all the negative memories...the other day we were in the mall and she wanted to get a nutcracker, a gift for my 11 year old. I told her why? when I saw the thing and I realized i rather spend 25 dollars and something i know she'll use, my wife kept it pushing it until we started fighting. i mean where is the respect for the man?? - if you or your spouse disagree about something and after an exchange of argument, no one changes their point of view, the fact that one disagree wouldn't be enough for the purchase not to go ahead?....anyhow, i don't take your comments personal because i know you don't understand the whole situation but i do appreciate your help.


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Brennan said:


> The more I read his posts, the more I wonder if he posts just to get a rise out of people.
> Again, just my two cents.



I'm starting to agree with Brennan. We've seen this exact same type of thread from Marco at least 5 times over the last few weeks. It seems to polarize into two camps - those who agree and sympathize with Marco and those who think he is whiny and is NEVER going to be happy no matter what his wife does (I happen to belong to the latter camp). Either way, nothing seems to change and we just keep going through this over and over.

Marco - My advice is that if your wife isn't listening the way you want her to, go to marriage counseling. Nobody here can give you a magic answer that will make your wife a firecracker in bed. Your posts are a little hard to follow from a communication standpoint. Maybe you just aren't communicating clearly. Or, as others have pointed out, you are putting too much pressure on her and that's causing the exact opposite reaction in her than you are hoping for. Either way, counseling will help you communicate. If that doesn't work, then you need to decide whether to continue in this marriage or not. Either way, just make *some* kind of change. Coming here to vent is fine but you just keep saying the same thing over and over and over again, expecting some different result.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Thanks....i try, i let the time go by, and focus on what we have until one day there is something that brings back all the negative memories...the other day we were in the mall and she wanted to get a nutcracker, a gift for my 11 year old. I told her why? when I saw the thing and I realized i rather spend 25 dollars and something i know she'll use, my wife kept it pushing it until we started fighting. i mean where is the respect for the man??


What does that mean? What about respect for the man? The way that reads to me is that you had a difference of opinion on what to get, and you assumed that your way was right and that she should just cede to you. I don't know your wife, but for ME the fact that you have testicles doesn't make you right.

Who "pushed?" I would say you both did.



> - if you or your spouse disagree about something and after an exchange of argument, no one changes their point of view, the fact that one disagree wouldn't be enough for the purchase not to go ahead?


I don't know what the default position in there is. You two have to hash that out. I DO know that if both of you decide to fight over who is RIGHT instead of coming to the table with an open mind, then you are gonna have a harder time.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Well of course its about him on his posts, he's the one who is posting. We don't see his wife out here.
> 
> You're right, he's not satisfied with what he has, he's made that clear. He's also told us (his side of the story), that his wife knows it too and has decided not to change.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the support, i email her and we are leaving work a bi early so we can sit down with a cup of coffe and talk a bit more. she knows is not only about sex is also about emotional connexion, i feel like after 22 years she doesn't know me or doesn't realized the importance of thinking forcibly in how to make your spouse happy. she enjoys very much the time we are good, breakfast in bed, lots of shopping, cleaning around the house, helping the kids with homework, giving bath to our little one while she can do her stuff around the house, painting, etc....i keep telling her how pretty she is, how hot she is to me, how much i enjoy her body etc...make sure have movies to wash over the weekend, am in charge of grocery shopping, paying the bills, and driving everybody, etc.....so what I am saying is please love of my life, show me you love me... surprise me ever!...that's to me love, but not, i have to be the one asking for everything and after a while is not enough, it has to come from her (something...anything...) if not, why it has to be only me surprising her all the time....don't i deserve the same?


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Thanks....i try, i let the time go by, and focus on what we have until one day there is something that brings back all the negative memories...the other day we were in the mall and she wanted to get a nutcracker, a gift for my 11 year old. I told her why? when I saw the thing and I realized i rather spend 25 dollars and something i know she'll use, my wife kept it pushing it until we started fighting. *i mean where is the respect for the man*??


Wow - I couldn't let this go by. This, to me, summarizes Marco's whole outlook on his marriage. It's all about what HE wants, not about his wife's feelings at all and he clearly thinks that he is the important one who should always get his way.

The fact that this relatively small argument "brings back all the negative memories" shows how impossible he is to please. Life isn't perfect, people argue but you don't change your whole outlook on your marriage over something this insignificant. IMO.

Wow. I can't believe she has put up with him this long.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> The portray can look perfect, but he has a problem in marriage that he wishes to be solved.
> To ask for love, he might vent to his wife, then she thought she just needed to open her legs more often as her work for him, but his wife didn't understand that he simply wants to be desired and he simply wishes to see his wife want him badly by herself, so she would give him a surprise instead of a convenient ass.
> When he must always tell her what to do, and then see she's just offering her ass to pity him, it turns him off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly.....i understand those who don't have as much sex, maybe wondering what the heck this guy is talking, but it is not about how much or she willing to do this or that, is about feeling loved...is about feeling desired, how many woman would hug their men through the neck and be there and tell them how much they love them - i have that 1 or 2 this year....the rest of the time is just business as usual and when we go to bed, she enjoys very much our love making, but most of the time i do the work....and when is her turn, is well not very exiting..but don't tell her that, i just accept that i am the one with all the moves...but after a while stop being exciting...


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I still think it's about his wife's enthusiasm and attitude and that's what he's missing. That's why the more sex he gets (in various positions, blowjobs, whatever), he doesn't see her smile, enjoy it, want it too. He'd probably want her to be more open about her fantasies, more in heat, you know kinda like a woman is with a secret lover kind of thing or what we most experience during the first few months of our relationships (those fuzzies). 

If that's what's the problem here, naturally he'll keep trying to seek that attitude in her while she doesn't get it because she's already safe in the marriage, doing whatever he tells her to and just plain doesn't get what he's asking of her (and probably already content with the decently hot sex life they have now). 
" i have to be the one asking for everything and after a while is not enough, it has to come from her (something...anything...) if not, why it has to be only me surprising her all the time....don't i deserve the same?"

She might be submissive too which means she'll do whatever he asks of her but won't take any initiative. Marco...listen to this...few women initiate. That's because they don't understand they need to. Or maybe they are scared and afraid of risking it. Or maybe that's just their nature and they enjoy their man initiating (i personally think you guys are hotter when you do the initiating). 

Just an idea. Could be a bad one... 

Oh btw, i also think that even though you're happy, you're probably really bored with your marriage (or your life) and expect your wife to somehow get you out of that state. If that's the case, there's absolutely nothing she can do. You need to find happiness and excitement inside yourself.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

justonelife said:


> Wow - I couldn't let this go by. This, to me, summarizes Marco's whole outlook on his marriage. It's all about what HE wants, not about his wife's feelings at all and he clearly thinks that he is the important one who should always get his way.
> 
> The fact that this relatively small argument "brings back all the negative memories" shows how impossible he is to please. Life isn't perfect, people argue but you don't change your whole outlook on your marriage over something this insignificant. IMO.
> 
> Wow. I can't believe she has put up with him this long.


Exactly. Yet in his universe she is a bad wife for ONLY having sex 5 times a week. She doesn't do anal, water sports and all kinds of other things Marco has come up with. Tsk tsk, what a terrible woman she is.
My spidey senses are tingling that perhaps this really isn't a married man at all but rather somebody who gets their kicks getting a rise out of others and somebody with a bit too much time on their hands.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Brennan said:


> The more I read his posts, the more I wonder if he posts just to get a rise out of people.
> Again, just my two cents.


How can you say that....my wife is the opposite of me in many aspects and for a while i just accepted it, you have no idea the level of rejection i have endured, and when i have the things i wonted, the level of drama and fights....i am tired....but i lover her too much and have 3 children with her....so i need to keep communicating....she has advanced a lot, she enjoys herself more, but the lack of communication about sex (what she likes what she doesn't much) and initiating....why can she initiate? or why can she bring something....to me is painfull not feeling she wants to find a balance with me by understanding that i need to feel loved, desired, and respected.....i can do so much with accepting what she can give and forgetting what i need - she thinking of me in how could she make me happy?....is about surprise, passion, respect, admiration.....i just want to have filled in the emptiness i feel sometimes


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

justonelife said:


> Wow - I couldn't let this go by. This, to me, summarizes Marco's whole outlook on his marriage. It's all about what HE wants, not about his wife's feelings at all and he clearly thinks that he is the important one who should always get his way.
> 
> The fact that this relatively small argument "brings back all the negative memories" shows how impossible he is to please. Life isn't perfect, people argue but you don't change your whole outlook on your marriage over something this insignificant. IMO.
> 
> Wow. I can't believe she has put up with him this long.


See, you come here to vent and people decide that knows me enough to arrive to conclusions...before that incident, in my birthday, i told her that i did not want to have my brother in law invited because we were dealing with an issue - he is 41 still living with his parents and I was waiting for the right time to face the conflict and try to talk to him so we could show our feelings and hopefully find peace...well, she went and invited him anyways without telling me all because of her mother....i have forgiven her but what can i say....not too much respect for the man....you got it?...without respect, no relationship stand to survive....but usually she is good to me....we talked about this and was usual, she has hard time accepting her wrong doing


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Nekko said:


> I still think it's about his wife's enthusiasm and attitude and that's what he's missing. That's why the more sex he gets (in various positions, blowjobs, whatever), he doesn't see her smile, enjoy it, want it too. He'd probably want her to be more open about her fantasies, more in heat, you know kinda like a woman is with a secret lover kind of thing or what we most experience during the first few months of our relationships (those fuzzies).
> 
> If that's what's the problem here, naturally he'll keep trying to seek that attitude in her while she doesn't get it because she's already safe in the marriage, doing whatever he tells her to and just plain doesn't get what he's asking of her (and probably already content with the decently hot sex life they have now).
> " i have to be the one asking for everything and after a while is not enough, it has to come from her (something...anything...) if not, why it has to be only me surprising her all the time....don't i deserve the same?"
> ...


Wise words, and i understand all our lives so far is being about working, studding and rising kids and when finally we reached stability and i happen to turn 40 my world came down....why i have to masturbate to fulfill my needs, or why our sex life has to be so boring....and why i cannot talk to her about this things?....that how everything started....


----------



## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Maybe he is one of those people that expects more to come out of sex than is possible? You know those people that are never happy with what sex they have no matter how good it is? I'm not talking just in the normal way (ie two people in a partnership having varying levels of satisfaction from the sex they have), I'm talking the serious hangup way. In single people, some of them go from person to person their whole LIVES looking for this magical "thing" that they think sex will give them psychologically, going from sex partner to sex partner but never ever materialising? They have hundreds of partners throughout their lives. But what they don't realise is that they can never get this "thing" out of sex. It has to come from somewhere else (be it through therapy or within themselves or something like that, I think the treatment is psychotherapy but I'm not sure).

Yeah, this is probably just a far-fetched idea but I'm just throwing it out there. Apparently it is something that negatively affects the person for their whole life and is not uncommon in the psychological sphere. I could see how, for a married person without the opportunity to look for this thing via various partners, would feel trapped and like they will never get whatever it is that they are looking for.

I had a psychologist friend tell me about this once a while back and I thought it was quite fascinating.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I have no idea why you have to masturbate at 40 either if you are having sex 5 times a week and blowjobs on command as you have posted in the past. 
In fact, I don't know many 40 year olds who could keep up with that level of sexual activity. 
Like I said previously, my spidey senses are up. Sounds like you don't need to be fed anymore.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Brennan said:


> I have no idea why you have to masturbate at 40 either if you are having sex 5 times a week and blowjobs on command as you have posted in the past.
> In fact, I don't know many 40 year olds who could keep up with that level of sexual activity.



I think this is out of the norm also but everyone's sexuality & drive is different. I think Marco is high on Dopamine & he is also thinking on sexual thoughts/connecting more than the average person - can't seem to help himself, this will rev up his Tesosterone to want it more so. 

I have a friend who is 49 , can't remember how this subject came up ,he is separated right now but masterbates 2-3 times a day! I was like wow, wish my husband wanted it that much!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

SA,
Simply put, I think he is a troll. Read his posts. He is trying to incite the most amount of information from the viewing audience. His posts are always of a sexual nature, always. He wants opinions about certain things and he wants graphic descriptions. He doesn't post on any other board other than the sex board. 
A "40" year old man who has sex 5 times a week and blowjobs 3 other times and still feels like his sex life sucks sounds normal to you? Go back and read his posts. He cranks it up about sex and then when called out about his lack of understanding, compassion and what not, backs off a bit and says he just is trying to get intimacy from his "wife". In the next thread he talks about how she doesn't want anal and should he find someone else?
Sniff, sniff.....I smell troll. 
Like I said, Spidey senses.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I've read many of your post Marco and it is easy to misinterpret the type of person you are, your intentions and what you are giving in the relationship. The more I read the fuller the picture gets. These post may seem like me me me but I'll bet this does not reflect who he really are in your day to day life. You are not self centered you do more than 95% of the men on the planet in terms of involvement with your family. You focus your attentions, love and sexual feelings, on your wife still after more than 20 yr. You appear not to be a sex crazed insensitive dolt that reading just a few of your post would leave that impression. The fact that you are venting here to avoid losing patience with your wife is an excellent use of technology. Venting is like a two year old having a tantrum it is a self- centered, inconsiderate, demanding and unreasonable diatribe but, for me anyway, vital to sanity. I think venting is a way for an adult to have a tantrum safely and derive the benefits of catharsis and calm afterwards and still be able to function as an adult. 

So Marco understand when you vent you sound like a two year old and people don't know enough about your life to know what you are really like so they naturally react negatively. take the negative comments with a grain of salts. I will have to agree with Greenpearl, your emotional state seems labile - you are very happy in one post and very sad in he next. The swing from one pole to another seems extreamm to me anyway. You mentioned that you are inpatient in another post how are you doing with working on that?

Marco I am not sure if your wife will ever do all of the things you need to make you feel loved it is certainly not that she does not love you it's just not who she is. She is showing you love the way she can and you are doing the same. I am Catholic brought up strict 2nd generation immigrant family, I don't feel comfortable doing some things sexually, initiating is one of them. I know it is a big deal but I can't do it, I would hate to have that lack overshadow all of the strides forward that I have made. There is a very strong female sexuality suppressive force in the western society. We are in a hypersexed pop culture but the sex is geared to what men want and what women should look and act like in reference to men. That's all fiction, woman don't spend all day thinking about how she should be to make a men happy and like her, that's for HS.

After the early teens and through maturing, woman focus on their place in the world and the many different roles they will play. It's impossible to spend every waking moment coming up with the imaginative ways to have sex .I don't equate sexual performance with how much I love my husband per se, not the way most men seem to. I don't get the enthusiasm thing either. I am very into sex and I thought that it was obvious by my actions but my H wanted more activity. I felt hurt and it made me withdraw a bit. I felt he did not want to have sex with me but to turn me into to someone else. I finally told him how I felt, I know men don't understand but sex is an intimate act and reflects the personality and qualities of the person, it is not a time that I feel like acting a part. If i can't relax and be my self it is no fun, if I feel I am being judged,or I have to follow a script it's no fun. If I feel my husband is a director and I am a bit player then it does not work for me. For me, if the sex is too impersonal, focussed on toys, positions, jumping from one activity to the next, too much of the time I begin to feel disconnected and lose interest. 

Could this be how your wife feels? You are asking her to put on a performance to be some ideal that matches what you have in your head. Put you self in her place just for an hour - her background, life, personality, likes and dislikes. The enormity of what she is doing just to please you and show you her love should be reassuring. I have said this before but I think you can't have everything you want especially when it takes an extraordinary amount of effort on the part of someone else to get you everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Brennan said:


> SA,
> Simply put, I think he is a troll. Read his posts. He is trying to incite the most amount of information from the viewing audience. His posts are always of a sexual nature, always. He wants opinions about certain things and he wants graphic descriptions. He doesn't post on any other board other than the sex board.



I do not know much about trolls or what their possible purpose could be, maybe you think I am a troll as well, I love posting on the SEX board probably the most - I was doing a little complaining of my own when I 1st came here cause My husband was not "aggressive" enough, even though I was getting 5 orgasms a week. I was not stomped on for this -thankfully. 



Brennan said:


> A "40" year old man who has sex 5 times a week and blowjobs 3 other times and still feels like his sex life sucks sounds normal to you?


 I figured the BJ's were within those 5 times, not in addition. IF his wife is somewhat of a cold fish and he feels like everything she gives is "mercy Sex" -yeah. But I doubt that is what is happening here, he is blowing it out of proportion --just as I was when I 1st came here. I am sure his wife loves him but her drive is not what his is, this freaking bothers him. And he keeps letting HER Desire/lust for him be more important than her LOVE for him. He is equating sexual desire with feeling emotionally loved. 

I was doing the same thing at one point, so I dont think he is a troll.


----------



## Becker0109 (Aug 9, 2010)

Well, just for the record, sex is a need built into a man just like the need for "air" or "food." A overview of Neuropsychology shows this as a FACT and it shows up on an FMRI as a biological need. For all of the women who are commenting, try going weeks or months without your emotional needs being met. Soon you'll withdrawal, maybe get depressed, and then you'll know it just is not a "release" man seek but love.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Becker0109 said:


> Well, just for the record, sex is a need built into a man just like the need for "air" or "food." A overview of Neuropsychology shows this as a FACT and it shows up on an FMRI as a biological need. For all of the women who are commenting, try going weeks or months without your emotional needs being met. Soon you'll withdrawal, maybe get depressed, and then you'll know it just is not a "release" man seek but love.


Thanks for your words...it is true!...when man feel so attracted to experience something in bed, the fact that he may not have access to it with the W, after a while, may become the big elephant in the room. I had a conversation with my wife, and I told her, that once a week maybe on Saturdays or Sundays, that I was expecting or desiring to do to her a lot of staff; for example, oral both places at the same time, f...k her face, 69, but plug, or dildo playing, etc...and that it was important for me that she would be also thinking of me and be ready for that one night a week that I get to enjoy her body like a primal....where I can take all my desires off my chest...she has been doing it..and it is great!....but I do my part as well, give her space, take her shopping, helping around the house big time so she can have time to do her things, keep sending her love texts, and giving her gifts as well.....see??......is that simple, I have a need to experience my wife body in a way where I can satisfy all my sexual desires and she now is enjoying it and showing entuciasm....so what else can I ask for?..well, I asked her to keep meeting to talk about our relationship once a month or every three weeks....the idea is that hour we talk about our sex life as well as our emotional connection...the idea is to make sure we are in the same page and talking about something that we never talked before...it is the adult way to deal with relationships....


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I could have written this post myself. Unfortunately I have no advise for you, i am going through pretty much the same thing with my husband right now. The only thing i can suggest is talk to her and try not to use I, use we, us etc. Or you can print out what you wrote out here and give it to her. I thought that was a good idea. Good luck!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Becker0109 said:


> Well, just for the record, sex is a need built into a man just like the need for "air" or "food." A overview of Neuropsychology shows this as a FACT and it shows up on an FMRI as a biological need. For all of the women who are commenting, try going weeks or months without your emotional needs being met. Soon you'll withdrawal, maybe get depressed, and then you'll know it just is not a "release" man seek but love.


I have. Four months to be specific. If it's love he is seeking, he is going about it the wrong way. Love to me isn't water sports or squirting.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Brennan said:


> I have. Four months to be specific. If it's love he is seeking, he is going about it the wrong way. Love to me isn't water sports or squirting.


Love can be water sport, squirt, love can be gentle kiss, hugs, love can be the acts of service, helping around the house, love can be hot sex, all kind of sex, facial, 69, love is to reach orgasms together, love can be kinky. Love is you feel comfortable and free to do and play with your spouse naked in the bed room! Love is to reach the maximum satisfaction with your spouse and enjoy what marriage and sex can offer! Love is not shy to ask and not stingy to give!


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Love can be water sport, squirt, love can be gentle kiss, hugs, love can be the acts of service, helping around the house, love can be hot sex, all kind of sex, facial, 69, love is to reach orgasms together, love can be kinky. Love is you feel comfortable and free to do and play with your spouse naked in the bed room! Love is to reach the maximum satisfaction with your spouse and enjoy what marriage and sex can offer! Love is not shy to ask and not stingy to give!


Well said MsLonely....everyone needs to make peace with the fact that men and woman both need to worry about the other needs to feel loved. If they are able to be truly intimate without the need for kinky sex fine!...but don't suggests that those of us who need kinky sex have no the same goal in life which is feeling loved....


----------

