# Am I over reacting?



## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

Me and my wife have been together for 8 years now. I recently started a second job so that she could quit hers and study for massage license. This way we still have benefits. I work from 730 am to 11pm Monday through friday. Some nights she stays up with me others she's asleep. This doesn't bother me usually but over the past couple weeks she's had been waking up to go the gym with her friends around 430 am. And then is too tired to give me 20 mins when I get home. Am I crazy to feel slighted? This has really taken a toll on our marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Working the two jobs has taken the toll. You need to spend at least 15 hours per week together doing things. You are working your way to disconnect with your W. 

As far as the 0430 gym visit. Some go this early because it is not busy.

Before you bury yourself and your marriage from overwork look into losing the 1st and 2nd job for one that pays what you need plus the benefits. If this is troublesome you will need to talk with the W of your concerns.


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

If we were in a place were I didn't have to work two jobs I wouldn't. I don't like it it just offsets the loss of her job. The plan was to tough it out until she gets licensed and into her new job. Then I would be able to go back to working one job.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jec9187 said:


> If we were in a place were I didn't have to work two jobs I wouldn't. I don't like it it just offsets the loss of her job. The plan was to tough it out until she gets licensed and into her new job. Then I would be able to go back to working one job.


You yourself said it is taking it's toll on the marriage. You appear to be toughing it out by yourself. When your W gets the license you might be standing there alone still toughing it out. I suggest your W finds a job and looks to night school that offers classes in massage therapy. The local community college?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

does she understand the sacrifice your doing to allow her the opportunity to do this? granted no relationship is ever 50/50 but if your willing to do this for her she in turn should be willing to do this for you....i much longer before she gets her license?
have you communicated this to her?


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

She has a degree already, she just has to take the licensing test for our state. She's pretty much being a housewife while studying.


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

She thinks I'm being ridiculous for being hurt.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

A marriage is suppose to be an "agreement between TWO parties" (in the traditional conservative sense, no political biases here).

If the marriage is not working out for you, its not working.

If you think about it...what are you getting from the deal.

(I know, marriage is not suppose to be based on give and take but more caring and sharing....but sometimes....)

Does your wife at least seem to understand what you are giving to the marriage to make what she wants possible?


Good luck.


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

She's acts as if its owed to her.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Jec9187 said:


> She thinks I'm being ridiculous for being hurt.


Very rarely is anyone ever being ridiculous by being hurt.

What you do about that hurt can be ridiculous. 

Tricky situation here. You want your needs met and want her to understand. Completely fair. 

Communicate that wrong and you'll come off as clingy. Do it right and you still might.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

Her problem is more she doesn't see why I'm upset that she gets up early and can't then stay up with me for a few mins.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Jec9187 said:


> She has a degree already, she just has to take the licensing test for our state. She's pretty much being a housewife while studying.


Was original agreement that you would work 2 jobs until she got degree? 

If so, tell her how proud of her you are and inform her that you'll now be putting in your 2 weeks notice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

More that I'm being unreasonable to ask her to choose me over gym during the week than I'm being clingy.


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

No the origfinal agreement was to get her license. She had the degree for a couple years now. The two jobs has been for a couple months now.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Jec9187 said:


> Her problem is more she doesn't see why I'm upset that she gets up early and can't then stay up with me for a few mins.


Had a similar issue with ex-wife, but reverse hours. Wouldn't get up for time together during the day. Was all about her needs there, and mine were unreasonable. 

I can tell you, talking about it never helped. Unless I said, "be up by #. We're going _____."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Does she have a date to take her test for her license? She's been purely studying for the last few months? No kids or other obligations?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Jec9187 said:


> No the origfinal agreement was to get her license. She had the degree for a couple years now. The two jobs has been for a couple months now.


Is she studying? Is there a deadline? 

Agreement sounds too open ended for me, while only you suffer.

I'd set a deadline. "This situation is hurting our marriage. I've expressed my concerns. Something needs to change by ____"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

We have three children. One six year old two year twins. They are babysat by mother in law when we both worked and my oldest is in school. So she spends the majority of the time finding housework to do.


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

Any complaint is met with "If its so bad then leave"


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you certainly have the right to feel the way you do about this. What you are doing is for her. She should show at least some appreciation for what you are doing. If she can't work out at another time so you can at least talk to her when you get home, then she's not doing what she should be for the marriage.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Jec9187 said:


> We have three children. One six year old two year twins. They are babysat by mother in law when we both worked and my oldest is in school. So she spends the majority of the time finding housework to do.


Can MIL sit kids for 3 hrs a day set aside for Just studying? Hard to study with kids under foot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Jec9187 said:


> Any complaint is met with "If its so bad then leave"


Hard to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn't take you seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Jec9187 said:


> She thinks I'm being ridiculous for being hurt.


You need to call her on this, this is a $hit test. Your feelings are what they are, and you are killing yourself to make her life easy.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Does the gym provide childcare so she can put the kids in care while she works out at some point later in the day, enabling her to stay awake later to spend some time with you?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> You need to call her on this, this is a $hit test. Your feelings are what they are, and you are killing yourself to make her life easy.


"I'm not OK with my concerns being ignored."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Does the gym provide childcare so she can put the kids in care while she works out at some point later in the day, enabling her to stay awake later to spend some time with you?


Might work, but he's working two jobs so she can study, not go to the gym.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jec9187 (Jun 9, 2015)

The gym doesn't offer daycare.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

zillard said:


> Might work, but he's working two jobs so she can study, not go to the gym.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True, but that's a whole 'nother issue and it's certainly not wrong of her to want to keep her body healthy. I don't think she needs to do it at 4:30 in the morning, though, if is interfering with her relationship with her husband.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Jec9187 said:


> Any complaint is met with "If its so bad then leave"


She is saying she is not willing to change. When people show you who they are... believe them. 

You: I am disappointed that you so easily dismiss my feelings/needs, and that you are suggesting we end the relationship instead of working on it (shallow commitment to the marriage) 

DW: Not everything is about you.

You: My feelings are 100% about me. This marriage is 50% about me. If you cannot or will not respond to me, we are roommates.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> True, but that's a whole 'nother issue and it's certainly not wrong of her to want to keep her body healthy. I don't think she needs to do it at 4:30 in the morning, though, if is interfering with her relationship with her husband.


He's sacrificing for her. Studying should be a higher priority.

Focusing on studying will decrease the time he is away from the kids and also the time he is away from his wife.

If she can get up at 430am to work out, she can get up at 430am to study. Going a month without the gym won't hurt her.

He's gone months without his wife and kids - with no clear end in sight.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jec9187 said:


> Any complaint is met with "If its so bad then leave"


Then leave. Sometimes you got to be willing to lose it to save it. 




Jec9187 said:


> The gym doesn't offer daycare.


She should find a gym that does. 



Jec9187 said:


> More that I'm being unreasonable to ask her to choose me over gym during the week than I'm being clingy.


 It is not an unreasonable request. Your W should go to the gym in the evening and have MIL watch the kids. She is not making the marriage work for you. She is making the marriage work to her benefit.

You are appearing to be a doormat.


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

How about a compromise? 
She can go to the gym 1/2 hour earlier & get home from the gym 1/2 hour earlier. You wake up 1/2 hour earlier and maybe she could make breakfast and the two of you could have a meal and quiet time together.


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