# Depressed Frustrated Confused and Selfish



## neverhappy (Dec 2, 2010)

Thats me in a nutshell these days. I don't know which way to turn, because every decision I've made for the past 5 years seems to be the wrong one. I'm sorry this is going to be long. I hope someone will take the time to read it & give me some perspective.

Someone I used to be friends with recently told me just how selfish I am. I guess I have to agree.

My parents divorced when I was 15 & my older brother died that year too. The last time I remember being happy was before that. In the past when things have gotten hard or too difficult to deal with I just leave the situation. Stop talking to these people or just move. I can't do that this time, as I have a 2 year old little girl. I want to leave again but I can't take her, as it would destroy her father & I can't leave her cause it would destroy me. I feel truly stuck.

I met my husband 8 years ago while on vacation. The next year I moved to his city. It was a good excuse to leave the situation I was in, as I having problems with some family members. We dated for 4 years. It wasn't a great relationship to begin with. He lived with his parents, worked & went to college. I found a job, but if I wanted to see him it was always at his parents house. I would get frustrated that he would never stay at my place or make an effort to really "date". It was always more like hangin out. We would argue & break up. He would always call me & tell me he was sorry. He would say he wouldn't want to lose me & he loved me. After 4 years I asked him what we were doing. I asked him did he want to marry me or not. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have just left then. IF he couldnt make that decision on his own I should have known it would only get worse. But I was nearing the end of my 20's and I had it in my head that I should be getting married by then & having babies...so I asked him. He said he wanted to marry me & didn't want to lose me. So I spent the next 18 months planning the wedding. He left all the decisions to me. His family did not participate at all. Even to this day, I don't think they expected us to get married. His mom didn't even buy her dress until a few weeks before. Since I was planning the wedding, he was suppose to take care of the honeymoon. I found out a few weeks before he had only paid a couple hundred of the $2500 vacation. His dad came to the rescue & paid the rest of it. When we were driving there I asked him where the directions were... he never had any. He assumed there would be signs. He really just expected it would just "appear", I think. And thats how our marriage continued.

I do all the work and he just expects things to magically appear. When we got home, within a month I realized he had never done a single chore at his parents house. He never paid a bill. His parents did it all for him. He did not know how to write a check, use an ATM, or even turn on the washing machine. I tried to teach him but sometimes it was easier to just do it myself. So now I carry all the stress of the house & the bills. He does nothing unless I yell & scream & throw a fit. That is the only time I get help.

6 months after we got married I didn't get pregnant yet, event tho we were actively trying (charting, temping, ovulation testing). I went to my dr & had a TON of tests done. They couldn't find anything wrong so they sent us to a specialist. They found male infertility. He had good sperm count, but they just barely move. The dr suggest several things he could do to help, one was quitting tobacco use. He refused. We did several attemps at other things to try to get us pregnant. It didn't work. I wanted to adopt & he wanted to do Invitro (so he would have a child that looked like him). I just wanted a family. So I agreed to empty my retirement fund & my mom loaded us money to do the IVF. It worked. About 1/2 way thru the pregnancy I told him I was scared. I felt like this was all a mistake. The marriage, the baby, everything. Obviously, a little late. He said it was just the hormones from the fertility drugs & the pregnancy. 

The baby came & she is beautiful & we were good for about 6 months. Our sex life was even worse than before tho. It had been 2 or 3 times a month. Now I was lucky if he was interested once a month. Usually more like once every 3 months. My job was high stress & I hated leaving the baby. He said I could stop working & he would support us. I told him he had to make X amount of $ to do that & he said he could. I left my job. He took on 2 jobs but it still wasn't enough. I started babysitting to make ends meet. We barely did that. 

Around that time I got an email from an old boyfriend. It started off innocently enough. Just asking how life is. He is married with 3 kids (only 1 is his) and says he is happy. I told him I was happy. For a while we just chat about daily life. Then he says how much his misses me. I miss him too. He was always very attentive & sexually aggressive. I had met him the year after my parents divorced & brother died. He was my first love. Basically my 1st everything. But I was in high school & he was in the military. We dated long distance on/off for years but the distance was too far. Now he is some big wig in the military & travels all over the place. Last year he made up an excuse & came to see me. When my husband worked, I took our daughter to his parents house & I stayed with the boyfriend. It was the happiest I had felt in a long time, except for the guilt. It was rip your clothes off, romance book sex. 

After he left the guilt ate me alive, I was so depressed. I cried contantly. If I wasn't crying I was sleeping. I was always angry. My husband & I argued constantly. I emailed the boyfriend & told him it was over. I couldn't do it anymore. He said he would miss me & he understood. I know he would never leave his family. I finally fessed up & told my husband. He was upset and asked if I wanted to leave. Thats when I got scared. I have no job, no insurance. Nothing. How would I support my daughter? So we went to counselling. We discussed the affair a little, but mostly finances & chores & things that led up to it. 

We went for a few months every week. At the end we had 2 good weeks for him & I so they declared us healed. Sent us on our way.

Well nothing changed really. My husband got a new job, so he is home a lot more. He only works 36 hours a week, but still only helps around the house if I yell & scream. We only have sex if I innitiate it, and that is usually once a month.

I am so sad. I feel like I am slipping back into depression. I miss the attention from the old boyfriend. I know that is a lost cause but I still miss it. 

I don't want my daughter to grow up with a miserable mom but at the same time I don't want her to grow up in a broken home & get screwed up like I am.

I don't know what to do. I'm looking for a job to support us, but this economy is awful. I'm hoping my old employer will let me back. The job was hard on me, but the pay was good.

I don't see the point in going back to counselling. It didn't help before. 

I feel like if I stay its living a lie & another mistake. If I leave, well what if thats a mistake?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow. Best of luck to you.

You both have done some serious damage to your relationship. It sounds like both of you never really knew how to treat the other person or make the relationship work. That doesn't mean there isn't hope if you want to make it work.

Your only option are to leave or try for counseling again - if not counseling that something else to change the course of your marriage. If you stay in the current situation, you won't be happy and only bad things will come of it. I think counseling would still be a good option if you are both still committed. Sometimes the first round can help the immediate issues and then several other issues can resurface. I had a somewhat similar experience. We fixed at least somethings, took a break from counseling, another huge blowup, went back to counseling, and now I feel like I'm actually understanding what I need to do to be a good husband.

The attention for your boyfriend sounds like its not a real relationship. Its easy to have a great night or weekend with crazy passion or to feel listened to by e-mail. Your old boyfriend is married and an A$$H*LE for cheating on his wife and you cheating with him. Please end this. Nothing good can come from pursuing it.

It really sounds like you started out in a bad situation when you were growing up, had a bad start to your marriage, and both you and your husband did major harm to the relationship.

In my opion, go back to your husband and say you are really not happy still. Say that counseling did at least help and you are thinking of either leaving or the relationship has to change significantly.


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## neverhappy (Dec 2, 2010)

Thank you anx for taking the time to read my (very long) post. 

It feels a little better now that I have written it all out. At least its all out there instead of bottled up.

The old boyfriend thing is hard to let go of. I am trying. Every day I wake up & tell myself I am not responding to him. It has been about a week. I'm not so naive to believe things would ever work between him & I. There are reasons it did not work before. But he is just the one I always wonder "what if?" What if things had worked out, would I have been happier with him...what if things had worked out, would I be the one he is cheating on instead of with? 

I take full responsibility for my actions. I know that they were not the way to fix the problems, they simply made them worse. 

I don't want to make any more mistakes. I'm not so sure my husband is the person I am suppose to be with. I did tell him a little while ago that I want to go back to our marriage counselor but this time I want to go alone for awhile, since I am the one apparently with all the problems to fix.

I truly belive that if I did not complain, my husband would be perfectly happy in our marriage. Messy house, unpaid bills, no sex life... If I didn't complain, he would think it was all just fine.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

There are DEFINITELY things that both of you should fix. Its not just you. Going to counseling alone for a bit though isn't a bad idea. Its really helpful for some people to think issues through before bringing it up to the other person.

Communicate to your husband how you feel. Really tell him that you are thinking of ending it or things really need to change. Your husband might be happy with the way things are because he doesn't fully understand how much you are hurt. Even if he does understand that you are hurt, he may not know how to fix that. Even if he know both of those, he may be too hurt to act towards the health the relationship.

It is a really good sign that you got at least something out of counseling the first time.


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