# Do you think ex spouses should/can be "friends"?



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

This is assuming there are no kids involved. I understand that if a couple has kids together, they are going to have to be in contact with each other and be at least somewhat cordial with one another for the sake of the children. 

But what about when there are no kids involved? Do you think its appropriate for them to still socialize with each other through phone calls/texts/ etc.. especially when they are both in new relationships with someone else? Do you think its appropriate for them to tell the ex spouse about all the details of their current relationship with their new partner? Do you think its even possible for two ex spouses to JUST be friends, or will it more than likely turn into something else since they have a past together?

Personally, I think it just causes problems. I think most people are not going to be happy with their partner socializing with their ex... unless they absolutely HAVE to. (such as if kids are involved). Even if the ex spouses still share assets together such as a mortgage or something of the sort, I still see no reason why they should have to pry into each other's personal lives. If they contact each other, it should be about business and nothing else. I just think when you have an ex, they need to stay your ex.... you arent with them for a reason. I see no point in opening up to them about your personal life/ your new relationships. Its none of their business. Im not saying exes should hate each others guts, but I do think people need to leave them in the past and worry about working on their NEW relationships. 

Thoughts/Opinions?


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

I would just say if I were the new person in a relationship with that person that would not work for me. I was dating someone where there was the 'kid' connection but they were overly friendly with him even asking me if I wanted to talk to his x about what 'a great guy he was' because she will back him up. It definitely made me feel they were not over and the relationship did not last.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

wifeiam said:


> I would just say if I were the new person in a relationship with that person that would not work for me. I was dating someone where there was the 'kid' connection but they were overly friendly with him even asking me if I wanted to talk to his x about what 'a great guy he was' because she will back him up. It definitely made me feel they were not over and the relationship did not last.


I would not have liked that either. Id be thinking "well if hes such a great guy, why doesnt she just get back with him?". Dont blame you at all for not sticking around. 

Even if there is a kid involved, yes you have to still be in contact with the ex and its best to not act like you hate each other in front of your kid... but theres still no reason to be overly chummy with each other. Maybe if there wasn't a new partner involved, it wouldnt be so bad... but when youre with someone new, you have to respect their feelings on the matter. If they think youre stepping over your boundaries, then you need to make a change... that is, if you care about them and want to be with them. 

And I love how some guys think that if they try to hide something from their partner, everything will be fine and noone will ever know. Then they wonder why their partner has trust issues... when you start off a relationship doing something behind your partner's back that you KNOW they wouldnt like, youre just setting yourself up to have trust problems in the relationship.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Anyone else? Im curious. Come on guys.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If ex's without kids want to be friends, I think that is all fine and good. However...once one of them becomes involved in a relationship, then casual contact should stop. I think that of ex's with kids as well, actually. There needs to be respect for the new relationships and partners. I am speaking as a woman who lost her husband to the ex wife because they continued to have contact. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/56070-just-divorced-my-story.html


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I would not be okay with a man I was in a relationship with hanging around with his ex. It's just way too easy and tempting for them to fall into bed together.


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## Jen862013 (Mar 19, 2013)

I would NOT be okay with my boyfriend/SO talking to his ex because she was some who used him for to get a better job through his family connections , lied to him many time, stole money then cheated on him multiply times and said it was his fault. He left after he found out she was f***ing their boss to. Then it all came all out in the open all lies and deceit and he divorced her. I would a lose lot of respect if he was to still talk to her after all she did to him. Although she still tries to contact him that I can’t control and control him either but I can control the boundaries in our relationship.

Besides I couldn't tolerate that not even pretend. If he feels like he needs to talk to his ex then he should go back but I’m more then fine with him having friends of opposite sex it just can’t an ex and the same goes for me


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I never understood that concept. If two people like socializing, why did they divorce in the first place?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Once I destroy a man-eating zombie, I don't dig it back up and take it to Starbucks.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> If ex's without kids want to be friends, I think that is all fine and good. However...once one of them becomes involved in a relationship, then casual contact should stop. I think that of ex's with kids as well, actually. There needs to be respect for the new relationships and partners. I am speaking as a woman who lost her husband to the ex wife because they continued to have contact.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/56070-just-divorced-my-story.html


Thanks for your response, and I agree with you. When your ex was in contact with his ex wife, did you know about it or did he do it behind your back? 

The type of scenario that I'm thinking of is a guy whose ex divorced him, moved hundreds of miles away, no kids together, the only thing still binding them was that they had a couple of home loans together with both their names on them. They both ended up getting new partners, but they would still contact each other through emails/ phone calls on a fairly regular basis. Supposedly the ex wife's knew partner new about them having contact but didnt care.... the ex husband knew that his new partner most likely would care, so instead of making her aware that he and the ex still talked to each other, he kept it a secret. He made her believe that him and the ex never spoke to each other anymore at all.

Then one day, the ex husbands new partner found out about the emails that they had been sending each other... emails containing all types of conversations they had, telling each other all kinds of personal details about their current relationships, along with tons of other personal things. 

The husband was confronted about it and was told by his new partner that she did not want him contacting the ex anymore at all, unless it was something absolutely URGENT having to do with one of their loans. If they were going to talk it had to be business only and it had to be urgent. He was also told to tell the ex not to contact him anymore either, unless it was something urgent. The husband agreed but yet he changed his email password and wont let his new wife look through his emails anymore and doesnt like for her to look at his phone or any other personal items. So it still makes it seem kind of suspicious to me. 

Keep in mind, the husband and his new partner were not married at the time that all these personal emails were being exchanged... but they were in a serious relationship... it was a long term relationship, but they were seeing each other at least a few days out of every month, talking on the phone everyday, and the new partner even had plans on moving out of state in order to go be with him, and eventually she did and got married to him. 

I certainly don't blame her for feeling the way that she did.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> I would not be okay with a man I was in a relationship with hanging around with his ex. It's just way too easy and tempting for them to fall into bed together.


What if they weren't actually physically hanging out.... what if they lived far away from each other and all they could do was communicate over the phone or through the internet? Would you still not be ok with it?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

southbound said:


> I never understood that concept. If two people like socializing, why did they divorce in the first place?


I wonder this exact thing. To me, it just makes it look like maybe they shouldn't have gotten divorced if they love talking to each other so much. Just makes me feel like there might possibly still be feelings there... and if thats the case then they dont need to be in new relationships... they need to just get back together and then they can socialize with each other all they want.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Thanks for your response, and I agree with you. When your ex was in contact with his ex wife, did you know about it or did he do it behind your back?
> 
> The type of scenario that I'm thinking of is a guy whose ex divorced him, moved hundreds of miles away, no kids together, the only thing still binding them was that they had a couple of home loans together with both their names on them. They both ended up getting new partners, but they would still contact each other through emails/ phone calls on a fairly regular basis. Supposedly the ex wife's knew partner new about them having contact but didnt care.... the ex husband knew that his new partner most likely would care, so instead of making her aware that he and the ex still talked to each other, he kept it a secret. He made her believe that him and the ex never spoke to each other anymore at all.
> 
> ...


Yes, I knew. It started out with him sharing most of the texts with me. However, when I would express to him how I felt about some of the things she would say, he started hiding them from me so he "didnt have to hear it". (she said some pretty awful things about me, and he wasnt defending me) They were talking on the phone while he was at work, discussing our relationships, etc, the whole EA script you read on here all the time. 

Yeah the husband you are talking about here is very much in the wrong. This shows the serious need for BOUNDARIES in our relationships, something my ex would never respect for me.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, I knew. It started out with him sharing most of the texts with me. However, when I would express to him how I felt about some of the things she would say, he started hiding them from me so he "didnt have to hear it". (she said some pretty awful things about me, and he wasnt defending me) They were talking on the phone while he was at work, discussing our relationships, etc, the whole EA script you read on here all the time.
> 
> Yeah the husband you are talking about here is very much in the wrong. This shows the serious need for BOUNDARIES in our relationships, something my ex would never respect for me.


Your story reminds me a lot of the person I have in mind. I feel like by not letting the wife see his emails anymore, I feel like thats just his way of not having to hear the wife complain about it, if the ex does so happen to send him a message. In fact I think thats the reason why he didn't tell her about them having contact with each other in the first place. As if not talking about it is going to make the issue go away. 

I think knowing that your partner is discussing your own relationship with his ex would have to feel the worst... I'd be thinking "How is our relationship any of her business?" And an even better question would be, why the hell would HE care about her new relationships and whats going on in her life? Like I said, if theyre such good buddies and love to have these converstations, they should have just stayed together. When you get divorced, thats supposed to be it. Youre supposed to be done, IMO. 

It beats the heck out of me... I mean out of all the people in the world that you could be friends with, why your ex? Why would you rather not have these deep, intellectual, satisfying conversations with someone else... like say... oh i dont know.. the person that you're currently with!? The only reason I can think of as to why someone would be friends with their ex is if they still had feelings for them... and in your case, unfortunately your ex has proven that to definitely be true.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Today my husband and I got divorced. He is now officially my "ex". We have two kids and have tried hard to remain friendly and cordial thoughout this whole ordeal. It was the desire to do this that made me make certain decisions to have the uncontested divorce that we did and I'm glad we did it that way. 

Now he's AA, has been sober and greatly resembles the man I originally married. People often can't live together and are better off separate but still have a friendship. We started out as friends and that's how we ended. I have no regrets. I made the right decision and would do it again. What's really strange is that we grew closer during the divorce process, not further apart, because we were so cooperative and went through it together the way we did. 

We had a long talk today and both admitted that we still loved each other. We both agreed that we would tell each other when either of us started dating someone else. We even discussed the possibility of a FWB type deal. I ruled it out immediately and told hm that we could never truly have that kind of relationship because it would be too easy to fall back into a "marital" type relationship as opposed to a "friend" one. 

As pleasant an idea as that may sound on the surface, it would open us up to the kind of conflict, pain and hurt that we experienced during our marriage. I like where I've arrived emotionally now and don't want to go back to that place. I also told him that neither of us would be able to move on emotionally and be available and open to a new relationship if retained that kind of physical and emotional contact with one another. 

I also stressed that it was important that we don't get in each other's way in the event each of us does start seeing other people. I don't want to be oveshadowing whatever relationship he might have with someone else and I certainly don't want that to be the problem for me. We each have to have not only the legal and physical freedom to move on but the emotional freedom as well. 

When we were married I retained a close, personal relationship with an old lover that really did damage to our marriage. My ex experienced a lot of pain because of the nature of our relationship with my ex lover. I don't want to do that to whomever I may get involved with in the future or have that done to my ex. 

So we agreed to keep each other informed as to our dating life. Right now both of us aren't interested in dating someone else and aren't at that stage yet but chances it will happen at some point so we still have to conduct ourselves in a manner that allows each other our space. It would be too easy to fall back into our marital relatiohship and sabotage whatever future relationship either would have with someone new. 

We have kids so we always will need to be pleasant, friendly and cordial and I'd like to remain friends with him but we can't have a close, personal relationship of an intimate nature, even if it only emotional, especially when we start to date someone else. It isn't fair to that other person. I wouldn't like it if I were dating someone who was *that* close to their ex. It would definitely be a deal breaker for me and I woudn't want to do it to someone else. 

So I think ex spouses can be "friendly" to a point but once one or both of them are involved with someone else there should be minimal contact. That's when it time to walk away and wish each other well.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> Here's my experience. My wife and I are still friends with each of our previous SERIOUS relationships. Mind you, we have been together for 26 years so the memories and feelings about the old relationships are kind of fossilized.
> 
> W is really only FB friends with her ex these days. We are both in touch with my ex and her husband. In fact, it was only a few years after me and ex split that my ex shared an apartment with me and my (now) wife. W and I had a small role in getting my ex together with her now husband.
> 
> ...


That is a very... unusual story. I dont think Ive ever heard of someone having their ex live with them and their current partner. I certainly couldnt handle anything like that. You and your wife sound like a good match though... it sounds like she was ok with it... and as long as she was ok with it, and you were ok with it, there was no problem. 

If someone ever told me that their ex was the perfect woman, I would have probably told them to go with her if shes so great.

Your wife sounds like a very tolerant woman.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> I think knowing that your partner is discussing your own relationship with his ex would have to feel the worst... I'd be thinking "How is our relationship any of her business?" And an even better question would be, why the hell would HE care about her new relationships and whats going on in her life? Like I said, if theyre such good buddies and love to have these converstations, they should have just stayed together. When you get divorced, thats supposed to be it. Youre supposed to be done, IMO.


Yeah, our relationship was SO not her business! They were married 19 years, he wanted out and divorced her, it was MY turn. 

Now, my first husband and I have always stayed on good terms. BUT, when he started seeing someone, I respected her as his significant other, and when she requested something I complied. Things like not walking into the house without knocking, (was previously my home) not calling him pet names any more, that kind of thing. It never would have crossed my mind to call him to discuss MY relationship at that time, or any other personal reason aside from our daughter. NEVER. 

Never underestimate the power that an ex can have over someone.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A man returns to his folly like a dog returns to his vomit.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

No.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hanging out with your ex is a little like a liberated Jew vacationing at Auschwitz. If you manage to survive and get out, why would you want to hang around?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ex and I are friends, we have kids together, we still care about each others well being. We also hold investments together.
We do stuff with our kids as a family on the odd occasion, we do all the kids school stuff together. We have friends in common, we are in contact at times with each others family.

I find it interesting that people seem to turn against a person they supposedly once loved and then treat them like they are the devil. My ex is a good man that is why I married him, he is a great father but our marriage came to its natural end, so be it.

I have re-partnered, my partner has met my ex but I have not yet met his ex mainly as she is bipolar and I am not ready to get involved with her drama.

It is of no relevance to me what others that are not in my family or friends circle think about the situation. In fact ALL of my friends and family like my ex and happily include him in celebrations and events.
There is no plan B here, we both just want the best for our children and each other.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Nope, no desire to be friends with any ex. Burn those bridges!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If the split was amicable, then yes. 

If not, why bother? I'm not 'friends' with my ex's. They aren't friends in any sense of the word, and stopped being MY friend during our relationship. Thus the break.

I have to keep in contact with ex husband #1 since he's my sons father. #2 can go kick rocks as far as I'm concerned.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Seems weird to me.

No go at my house.

Out of sight out of mind comes in handy.

It doesnt work for married couples in my view.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

*michzz* I know that our situation is not the norm however I do know others that are similar.
The first 12 months it was not so much like this, it was very difficult but it so important to ex and I that we have the relationship that we do for the kids. For me it was vital for my own health and spiritual peace of mind to fully forgive both ex and I for our parts in the marriage ending. I have never carried any bitterness towards anyone in my life and did not want to start with the ex. 

Sorry but I don't understand what you mean with this sentence...


> But even in your own situation you see the problem with your partner's ex.


My partner would like to have a friendship with his ex but it just isn't possible, it takes both parties to actively forgive each other and make the effort to be friends, she is not in this place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that ex's don't make good friends. And they usually cause trouble in new relationships.

But some people can do it on some level. One of my brother's and his wife are each other's second marriage. While they are not best buddies with their ex's, the ex's are in their lives. They both have children with their ex's. Every time I've gone to their house on a holiday the ex's are there with even their new children. When my brother lived in another state, the ex's would come stay at their home when they were in town to visit their children. They all seem to get along well enough. It's acutally nice to see people be able to handle it well.


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