# Handling the kids and the GF during divorce



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm currently going through the divorce proceedings, after splitting from my stbxw in October, last year.

To make a long story short, she had a (supposedly, see below) EA last year that I found out about and after months of her being ambivalent about it I couldn't take it anymore and left. The months that followed showed me that her affair had been also physical (get access to some emails) and, if I couple that with the fact that we hadn't been happy together for many years, it made no sense in going back.

Cue to the present day. I've had a girlfriend for a few months that I love and we get along brilliantly because we are very much more alike. My stbxw, on the other hand, has been through what I perceive as a mad emotional trip with the other guy: they never really got it together because he's married and because they are both incredibly fatalistic in their view of love (we are meant to be together, but destiny blah blah).

What happened is that, while my kids (2 girls, 10 and 4 y/o) really liked my GF when they first met her, my stbxw started "formatting" them against my GF and now my eldest is convinced that it's my gf's fault I don't get back together with her mother.

Despite the fact that my eldest is incredibly bright for her age and knows it was her mom's actions that caused the original split, she's now channeling all guilt towards my GF, says she doesn't want to be with her and even called her mother up on the phone on one of the few times we were together with my GF. I have talked to her about these things but, unfortunately and much to my surprise, she won't budge.

Unfortunately my stbxw, instead of disregarding that and moving on, seems to thrive on this sort of mexican soap opera nonsense and actually supports this idiocy.

I think it's kind of fresh that she is all jilted (hell hath no fury) when it was her doing that got us into this, but I'm more interested in knowing how I should tackle the GF/daughters relationship.

I understand the need to have alone time with the kids, which I very much enjoy too, but I find that I'm bending over backwards to not have my GF with us EVER (not during the weekends, not during the summer holidays). I honestly believe the girls will benefit from my GF's presence (as a mom herself, she's great with kids), and seeing a healthy relationship for a change.

When is it too much imposing my GF on the kids? Conversely, when is is too much bending to a 10-year old and my stbxw's schemes NOT to have my GF with us? 

Any thoughts and personal experience in where is the sweet spot? And, while at it, how do I get any basic rules of civility in my stbxw think head so she can just let us all be?


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

First and foremost, your priorities are way off, sorry to say. In my opinion, and in the opinion of likely anyone who works in divorce or with children, you introduced a new partner way, way, way too soon to your children. The general rule of thumb is to wait, at minimum, a year after the actual divorce before introducing anyone new to your children. More conservative people encourage waiting two years.

Furthermore, why does your oldest even know why the marriage between her parents ended? That information is not her burden to bear. 

I think your gf needs to be put on the back burner. And before you think that's not fair to you -- stop and think about what's fair to your children. They need time to heal from their parents splitting up and their family dynamic changing. Instead, you seem to be worried more about what you and your gf want.

If you want to stop the drama, both you and your STBXW need to put aside your partners and start focusing on your children. Instead of trying to force new people into their lives when their parents aren't even divorced yet, take some inventory on how they're feeling and how they're doing through all of this.
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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I agree 100% with SVL. I understand that the blame lies with your wife for her adultery. But you are not divorced yet and you and your stbx have significant others around your children. What are you teaching your children about marriage? Or where they stand on your priority list? 

IMHO, you should keep your gf away from the children completely until you're divorced and your girls are healing. There is plenty of time to see your gf when your kids aren't with you. If she is a good mom she will understand.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> First and foremost, your priorities are way off, sorry to say. In my opinion, and in the opinion of likely anyone who works in divorce or with children, you introduced a new partner way, way, way too soon to your children. The general rule of thumb is to wait, at minimum, a year after the actual divorce before introducing anyone new to your children. More conservative people encourage waiting two years.
> 
> Furthermore, why does your oldest even know why the marriage between her parents ended? That information is not her burden to bear.
> 
> ...












This....i know its probably hard to takr, but its your kids...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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