# husband negativity has turned me off



## pomegranate

i am hoping someone else has the same problem as i do. my husband is a very negative person and everything is such a big deal to him. i can't go out in public with him and enjoy myself because he is constantly talking about people or complaining about something. i try to ignore it but i have gotten to the point that i don't want to go anywhere with him. i've talked to him about it and he doesn't think he is negative. i don't feel close to him anymore. he used to be so funny and made me laugh a lot. i have lost interest in being intimate with him and don't know if it's because of this or not. i don't know what to do. i have started taking anti-depressants to deal with it. i think he lives in an unrealistic world where everything is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong. please give me some advice.


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## okeydokie

i will profess to being somewhat similar to your husband. bottom line is I have very little making me happy in my life.


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## HappyHer

Negativity can destroy many things. Continue trying to communicate your feelings to him about this, but also look into counseling. There may be depression on both sides of the fence to deal with.


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## skitown

I do have the same issue. I am not quite sure when this really started to bother me - but I do try to give my H some slack as he has a job where he sees the worst of our society and works in a non-supportive environment. 

Despite this, I find it difficult to do anything with him - as sometimes I am embarrassed by the things he says and his behavior in front of our child ( another topic!). What I try to do - is turn the situation into a positive. For example, if a negative comment is said about a person (a stranger), I will try to respond by saying something positive about the individual - like - oh I think he looks really nice - or he reminds me of a coworker I like, etc. Sometimes, I will make a comment about how the person remindes me of a friend of my H's. Just try to remain positive - it will help you get through it and hopefully your behavior will have a good influence on him. 

And yes, this has had a negative impact on the relationship - all the way around. I have not found a solution to that.


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## cb45

I am sarcastic, esp when trying to be humorous, but am sure my
wife can take this as negative too often when its not really.
(funny but she used to laugh more at my comments)

Yet, i too can cross the line sometimes
I grew up in NYC. thats my excuse :rofl:

I feel W can be too much of a stuffed shirt sometimes. so do my sons, 
who appreciate my humor, and share it to some degree. 
(they're def not the milkmans, or the postmans, or the.....)



But really, like i post often here, communications the key, and
most H/W's dont hold off on blasting their mates once n awhile,
so OPEN up yer traps and let 'em flap in a positive dialogue for 
this once. who knows, it may become a new habit?:scratchhead:

-----------------cb45----------------------------------


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## momof6girls

i can relate my issue is when you find it funny that he I call pick's on people then i grew up and he didn't... what is worse though is when to strangers he is the best guy the person people like to talk to and then at home or behind that persons back well a different story...

i guess there is a fine line between houmous and hurtful.


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## lolalou

I was an unabashed optimist when I met my husband. Also, I was horribly naive. I put myself in so many bad situations by refusing to see the bad in anyone or any situation. In some ways, my husbands negativity saved me. Sometimes you have to consider the ugly truths in life. That being said, I'm older and wiser and long to have my optimism back. 
I know his outlook on life, he knows mine. It tends to turn into fights where there is no need to fight. I decided not to let his negativity seep into my mood. The frustration being that he won't let my sunny side interfere with his. Damn it. I just remember that in the end we we're both usually right. And being right just isn't that important in the long run. I value the moments he's at peace, and know it must be really good when he says something positive-.


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## turnera

okeydokie said:


> i will profess to being somewhat similar to your husband. bottom line is I have very little making me happy in my life.


 ok, not a dis at you, just an observation that you still have CHOICE in your life...to look at the bad in your life and work PAST it, instead of letting it color your whole life as a negative. It's called attitude.

My life has sucked WAY more than yours ever has, but I still try to wake up every morning and look for the potential in today.


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## turnera

Negativity...

My DD19 and I once asked my husband to go 30 minutes without saying a negative thing about something. He couldn't make it.

I, too, was the one who laughed all the time. I saw the good in everyone. I expected the best in every day. I was ok, despite the bad hand I'd been dealt.

Until I met my husband. He was the poorest...had to dig through trash bins to find food for his younger siblings and mother. But he busted his BUTT to earn a living and he bought a house at 18. Working three jobs. He's brilliant and amazing. Smartest uneducated man I've ever met.

But because of his childhood, and his alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother, he sees the world as him against it ALL.

I can't even remember all the times he's yelled at a cashier because she didn't respect him enough. On and on. He screamed at our next door neighbors because their lawn crew smashed our sprinkler head several times, despite the fact that I kept asking him to TELL the neighbors their lawn crew was doing it - no, he waited until he'd had enough, replaced 3 sprinkler heads, and stormed over to their house and screamed at them - when he had never even told them he had a problem. They almost called the police on us because of his negative, me against the world attitude.

For 30 years, I protected him from himself. Agreed with him. Never told him that he was sounding like an ass. Making a fool of himself. Losing clients and contacts because no one wantd to deal with him.

I'm trying, today. To show him how his negativity hurts him, me, our daughter, his coworkers, society. But he can't hear it. If I even HINT at the possibility that he is anything but wonderful, it is ME who gets reamed over the coals. For not supporting him.

Don't make the same mistake of silencing yourself to keep the peace.

Tell him the truth. 

Let him SEE what damage he is creating by CHOOSING this attitude.


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## Mike188

turnera said:


> Negativity...
> 
> My DD19 and I once asked my husband to go 30 minutes without saying a negative thing about something. He couldn't make it.
> 
> I, too, was the one who laughed all the time. I saw the good in everyone. I expected the best in every day. I was ok, despite the bad hand I'd been dealt.
> 
> Until I met my husband. He was the poorest...had to dig through trash bins to find food for his younger siblings and mother. But he busted his BUTT to earn a living and he bought a house at 18. Working three jobs. He's brilliant and amazing. Smartest uneducated man I've ever met.
> 
> But because of his childhood, and his alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother, he sees the world as him against it ALL.
> 
> I can't even remember all the times he's yelled at a cashier because she didn't respect him enough. On and on. He screamed at our next door neighbors because their lawn crew smashed our sprinkler head several times, despite the fact that I kept asking him to TELL the neighbors their lawn crew was doing it - no, he waited until he'd had enough, replaced 3 sprinkler heads, and stormed over to their house and screamed at them - when he had never even told them he had a problem. They almost called the police on us because of his negative, me against the world attitude.
> 
> For 30 years, I protected him from himself. Agreed with him. Never told him that he was sounding like an ass. Making a food of himself. Losing clients and contacts because no one wantd to deal with him.
> 
> I'm trying, today. To show him how his negativity hurts him, me, our daughter, his coworkers, society. But he can't hear it. If I even HINT at the possibility that he is anything but wonderful, it is ME who gets reamed over the coals. For not supporting him.
> 
> Don't make the same mistake of silencing yourself to keep the peace.
> 
> Tell him the truth.
> 
> Let him SEE what damage he is creating by CHOOSING this attitude.



You need to record him and then play it back at a later date. I did that to my 13 year old to show him how immature and mean he was towards his mother and younger brothers. Give me his phone number and I will call him and pretend to be a former client and tell him what an ass he is.


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## turnera

lol, I'll think about it.

I have recorded him. He just thinks he's got the right to be mad at the world. Everyone is out to get him.

Yesterday, he was talking about the boys running around outside the restaurant, saying they should be quiet and refined and respectful, and I was saying something like isn't that - the way they were roughhousing with each other - how boys are supposed to be? And he went into how he never got to BE a kid cos his dad had him working from the time he was 5, putting roofs on houses. I tried to say something about how his childhood was bad, but why did that mean that _other_ boys couldn't enjoy being a boy? So he changed the subject.


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## okeydokie

turnera said:


> My life has sucked WAY more than yours ever has, but I still try to wake up every morning and look for the potential in today.


i'm really not sure how you arrived at that conclusion :scratchhead:


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## sisters359

When I went into pre-term labor, my ex sat down and sad, "Why do these things always happen to me?" When a friend's child had a life threatening asthma attack, he said, "Well at least they have money." Same thing when the same friend had another child diagnosed with autism. And not said in a "let's find a silver lining" kind of way--said in the spirit of "everyone is so much better off than me." 

My dh's mother is equally negative and self-pitying. It is so draining. I had NO idea how dragged down I felt until my separation. OMG. Like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders--I'm so much happier not to bearing the weight of his constant negativity. My kids are too. I had no idea it was affecting them so much, either. 

I obviously don't have any good advice for improving things within the marriage. I ended mine. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck!


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## turnera

okeydokie said:


> i'm really not sure how you arrived at that conclusion :scratchhead:


 Just going to assume that you haven't been through the things I've been through.


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## pomegranate

sisters359 said:


> When I went into pre-term labor, my ex sat down and sad, "Why do these things always happen to me?" When a friend's child had a life threatening asthma attack, he said, "Well at least they have money." Same thing when the same friend had another child diagnosed with autism. And not said in a "let's find a silver lining" kind of way--said in the spirit of "everyone is so much better off than me."
> 
> My dh's mother is equally negative and self-pitying. It is so draining. I had NO idea how dragged down I felt until my separation. OMG. Like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders--I'm so much happier not to bearing the weight of his constant negativity. My kids are too. I had no idea it was affecting them so much, either.
> 
> I obviously don't have any good advice for improving things within the marriage. I ended mine. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck!


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## pomegranate

OMG, are you sure my H and your ex are not brothers? LOL. I dread going out to eat because I know he is going to comment on everyone in the restaurant about something. He will stare at someone and come up with something negative to say every time. One time some older people sat down in the table across from us and he said, why did they have to sit those *******s next to us? They looked like nice people so why would he automatically call them *******s? I don't get it. I try to be positive but I can only listen to so much until I get fed up and I say something and that ends up in an argument. He always says I never support anything he says. No, I'm not going to support making fun of complete strangers. Anything bad that happens, it's almost as though he thinks it was directed straight at him. I hardly ever hear him say something nice about a person. His father was negative and I think this is the only way he knows how to be. He even does it in church and I always tell him, You're in God's house, can't you not be this way"? I have sat and thought about how I got myself into this but like all men, he didn't show me this side while we were dating. I'm sure I'm *****ier than I was when we were dating but if he tells me something that I do bothers him, I try to fix it. I don't want a divorce. I can't get him to go to marriage counseling so I guess I'll have to go by myself to deal with it.


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## Cooper

I read your post the other day and didn't answer but have kept thinking about it. A couple of your comments really struck home with some of the things my ex would accuse me of, the main theme was I was Mr. NEGITIVE. Before I write another word please do not get all huffy and defensive, I am not accusing you of anything just trying to get you to look at things with maybe different perspective.

I was not negative in any other aspect of my life except anything to do with my wife. Doesn't that sound terrible? Most of the time I felt like my wife was just another child, an incorrigible one at that. When I would try and settle the kids in a resturant she would tell me and them I was just being controlling and stupid, and the people at the other tables need to learn to lighten up, who cares if they had a carrot thrown on their table. I was hurt, frustrated, overwhelmed and pissed off almost anytime we were together. You made the comment about not wanting to go anywhere with him, I got to the point where I didn't want to go anywhere with my wife because of her behavior and attitudes. I will leave out all the details and scenarios that got me to that point unless you need to know.

So I ask you to look at a couple things. How different are you and your husband? Parenting styles, social desires, financial philosophies, work ethics, how close or far apart are you on the basic nuts and bolts of day to day living? I'm not saying there is any right or wrong, but is it possible you two are just such polar opposites that he is just plain old unhappy all the time? People grow in different directions and we change and expect others to change with us but that's just not how it always works. 

I guess I don't have any advice to really give but maybe his biggest problem is you, after all it sounds like he's one of your biggest problems, or should I say source of unhappiness. When my wife became my ex it was like someone flipped a light switch and my life got a hundred times brighter! 

Just something to think about, please don't be offended, I'm just trying to point out how easy it is to be unhappy and become negitive when you're married to someone who is your complete opposite. Something YOU recognize in the marriage but do you recognize it for him as well? Or maybe I'm way off base and he has a screw lose.....

Cooper


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## cherrypie18

Cooper said:


> I read your post the other day and didn't answer but have kept thinking about it. A couple of your comments really struck home with some of the things my ex would accuse me of, the main theme was I was Mr. NEGITIVE. Before I write another word please do not get all huffy and defensive, I am not accusing you of anything just trying to get you to look at things with maybe different perspective.
> 
> I was not negative in any other aspect of my life except anything to do with my wife. Doesn't that sound terrible? Most of the time I felt like my wife was just another child, an incorrigible one at that. When I would try and settle the kids in a resturant she would tell me and them I was just being controlling and stupid, and the people at the other tables need to learn to lighten up, who cares if they had a carrot thrown on their table. I was hurt, frustrated, overwhelmed and pissed off almost anytime we were together. You made the comment about not wanting to go anywhere with him, I got to the point where I didn't want to go anywhere with my wife because of her behavior and attitudes. I will leave out all the details and scenarios that got me to that point unless you need to know.
> 
> So I ask you to look at a couple things. How different are you and your husband? Parenting styles, social desires, financial philosophies, work ethics, how close or far apart are you on the basic nuts and bolts of day to day living? I'm not saying there is any right or wrong, but is it possible you two are just such polar opposites that he is just plain old unhappy all the time? People grow in different directions and we change and expect others to change with us but that's just not how it always works.
> 
> I guess I don't have any advice to really give but maybe his biggest problem is you, after all it sounds like he's one of your biggest problems, or should I say source of unhappiness. When my wife became my ex it was like someone flipped a light switch and my life got a hundred times brighter!
> 
> Just something to think about, please don't be offended, I'm just trying to point out how easy it is to be unhappy and become negitive when you're married to someone who is your complete opposite. Something YOU recognize in the marriage but do you recognize it for him as well? Or maybe I'm way off base and he has a screw lose.....
> 
> Cooper


That could be true, BUT there are people in this world who are just pessimists and are simply looking for a reason to complain and put others down just so they feel better about themselves.


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## cherrypie18

sisters359 said:


> When I went into pre-term labor, my ex sat down and sad, "Why do these things always happen to me?" When a friend's child had a life threatening asthma attack, he said, "Well at least they have money." Same thing when the same friend had another child diagnosed with autism. And not said in a "let's find a silver lining" kind of way--said in the spirit of "everyone is so much better off than me."
> 
> My dh's mother is equally negative and self-pitying. It is so draining. I had NO idea how dragged down I felt until my separation. OMG. Like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders--I'm so much happier not to bearing the weight of his constant negativity. My kids are too. I had no idea it was affecting them so much, either.
> 
> I obviously don't have any good advice for improving things within the marriage. I ended mine. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck!


Wow this is exactly how my husband and in laws are. The world revolves around them and they have so many problems and everything bad happens to them and them only.

My family went through hell the last year but people keep smiling, being grateful for what they have, being optimistic that things didn't turn out way worse, and when we have guests, we get compliments on how there's a lot of light and positive energy in our home lol
In my husband/in laws house I felt like something was suffocating me and it was all the negativity. 
I really don't have advice but just thought I'd share my experience and let you know you're not the only one dealing with negative people and you should do your best to stay positive and not let them get to you.


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## turnera

I just had the second-most worst night of my marriage last night, in terms of being willing to walk away. Why? Because of my husband's negativity and attitude that it's him against the world. Didn't see him til around 6pm, went out to eat to my favorite restaurant with daughter. So I'm talking 4 hours total, plus a couple phone calls. Afterward, I wrote down the negative things I had to deal with in one day. In FOUR hours. In one day, he:
Told me our daughter was lazy
Condemned her best friend for partying at school
Complained about the company DD19 was trying to get hired at, saying he should go in and give them hell for not hiring her
Complained at least 3 or 4 times about his work and how screwed up it is
Talked about a contractor getting a job who he think is one of the scummiest people on earth
Complained about a coworker who happens to work at the restaurant we went to as a side job, and how he steals from the restaurant, and how the restaurant is screwed up for not doing something about him and how WE have to pay more to cover for what the guy steals
While waiting in the bar area, took a tray and cleaned off the table we took cos they were busy and no one had cleaned it, and then the waiter said "I was going to USE that!" so husband got in a big fight not only with waiter for disrespecting him (who then refused to wait on us) but also the two bikers sitting next to us; at which point I went to the bathroom in tears
Complained about rap music and how we have to listen to 'stupid, lazy, convict Black people' spewing their music on the world
Talked about all the 'stupid lazy illegal' Mexicans that are stealing us blind
Complained about daughter going downtown and getting lost and how he has to follow her to make sure she doesn't get lost
Complained about how daughter's friend 'stole' her job last year because her dad was best friends with the hiring manager at the store and that said friend was a 's l u t' and rubs up against guys to get what she wants
Complained about same friend's stepdad because he got his daughter a job there, but wouldn't get one for OUR daughter

All of this happened BEFORE the waiter incident - on the phone or on the way to the restaurant. So basically, it really happened within about an hour, not counting the phone calls where I had to listen to him complain.

I'm so freakin' sick of living with a person who will NEVER see anything positive about ANYONE, and having to listen to him expound on it ad nauseum. TO ME. No one else. Just me.

Came home, I went straight to bed, he asked me if I was mad. For one of maybe 4 times in 30 years, I told him the truth and said yes. He asked why! I said 'Your negativity permeates EVERYTHING we do. And it makes me ILL. And you KNOW it, (we've discussed it many many times) and you won't do anything about it.'

OH, and we were AT that restaurant ONLY because they had sent us a gift certificate for the LAST time we'd been there and he made a big stink about how poorly we were being treated.


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## Cooper

OK, I posted my response to your original post the other day without reading all the post, my apologies, and after reading your last post all I can say is WOW!

Your husband sounds like someone who is just angry at the world because he was born. No one can be happy around someone like that, not you, the kids, or even himself. He could have anger issues, mental instability, chemical imbalance or has just got in a habit of being mad. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around him, if he can't see the problem or won't admit it is a problem there will be no change for the future, not much to look foreward too. 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Good luck.

Cooper


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## turnera

Cooper, were you talking to pomegranate, the OP?


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## cb45

T,

has he always been this way, or is he getting crabbier

as he gets older (like many of us?)?

i didnt like what he did re: throwing qtips on floor, if

i recall correctly, what u posted earlier. not a good

sign, unless he's retaliating for something u did.



peace------------------------cb45


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## turnera

When I met him, his mom was living with him. Fine with me. I moved in, married, and she moved out after about 3 years of marriage. Then the house fell apart. I had been doing my share, but apparently, his mother had been doing HIS share. I was young and stupid and I just picked up where she left off. Back then, I had no idea I had the right to suggest that he pull his weight, if he wasn't willing to do it. He honestly doesn't understand. We've talked, I've railed, I've made lists, asked him to help...it's just not in his genes. He honestly doesn't THINK about what he's doing. And our marriage was so in the toilet that, by the last 5 years, he sees me as a replacement of his mom in the nagging department, so he flat out refused to make life easier for me. I'd ask him to pick up a Qtip he'd leave on the kitchen counter, he'd stare at me and without a word turn around and go sit on the couch.

I've tried to own up to my 50% of our problems, Plan A, not LB him, which makes things better. But he never took me seriously until the day last year that I told him - in tears after yet another fight over all this - that I was ready to leave if things didn't change. He's a little better now. But it still doesn't occur to him; it's like he grew up believing the cleaning fairy followed him around, picking up after him so it wasn't part of his life to concern himself with junk - and she DID! His MOTHER!

As for his negativity, it definitely has gotten worse with age, but it's not the age - it's that he expected to be a billionaire by the time he was 30, but he never made plans for how to achieve it. And, between his abrasive personality and his lack of willpower to make it through college, he's been getting shut down over and over so that he is now so jaded he believes the world is out to get him. 

That, and his extremely low self esteem from growing up dirt poor, thinking anyone who acts with any sort of authority has the right to rule him, he is stymying _himself_. So any time he comes up against someone more assertive or aggressive he runs away with his tail between his legs. He's lucky he spent 23 years as a successful salesperson with one great company, but now that he's left that, everything has been one big mistake after another for the last 5 years. So he is supremely depressed about his lot in life. And his low self esteem drives him to pick apart everyone else, to make himself feel better. Example: he couldn't get his chain saw to start, so he's cussing up a storm about the f'ing lazy stupid Mexicans they have to build this stuff for, cos all they do is use it and return it, cos they're all a bunch of thieves. Does the same with Blacks. And yet his best friend, and our daughter's godfather, was Black. So it's truly just a coping mechanism.

I've never demanded anything of him in my life, but I'm getting real close to telling him if he doesn't go to therapy I'm leaving.


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## cb45

ah, now it makes more sense.

Turnera,

u both have alot of anger-resentment issues(duh, i no) & its
amazing how many of us get this far, turnera, as its like
storing up some kinda explosive in our home/basements!

i can relate to both of u, in this e.g., but as the initiator
of all these problems, its easier to start w/ him.
he represents many a male/female dreamer walking this
earth, seeing/hearing stories of "how i made my mi$$ions".
too bad, he didnt get a coach/mentor to help pt out some
of the things u've mentioned, and show him the way to 
true success. a success where u could be proud of him
as he'd be proud of himself, mi$$ions or not. other than 
this, his mom obviously has molded him. can u break
the mold but not harm whats inside? hard to do.

as 4 u, hindsight is 20-20 no? i'm sure u can relate to
my quote in my profile. u wouldve handled the past
alot differently eh? :scratchhead: 
i wont tick ya off by telling u stuff u already know
(as judged by some of yer posts i've read here). 
yet i wil say/ask what is it that attracted u to yer H in 1st place? 
does he still have some of that "charm" now?
AND, what is yer plan going forward? is it well thought
out or is it irrationally/emotionally based?

i ask these Q's as its easy to lose focus after many yrs
buildup of A & R, wouldnt u agree? :scratchhead: 

u have alot invested, and i dont mean just the kids/home
stuff. unless he's not providing other basic needs also,
i dont get the impression he's walk away material.

do what u/we tell others to do here. step back, chill out,
and map a plan to get what u want(or close to).
the more u can remove yerself from it, the better yer focus. 

just a reminder, cuz u know all this. :slap:


peace---------------wisdom----------love----------cb45

ray:


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## turnera

Thanks for the input, cb. My plan is to help him start a business, first. He's brilliant and could easily make millions and become all he wants to be - IF he had the faith in himself and IF he could learn to prioritize and just get things done. He's had a role of Christmas lights on the floor of the kitchen since December that he was going to take back, and then he was going to mail it in to someone...here it sits. Such is our life.

But he has 3 businesses that could make a lot of money and get him out of the job he hates, but he simply hasn't the logistical skills to make it happen. So that's my goal for now. 

And I think if I could get him to a life coach or something, he could visualize, and realize, his goals. 

For the next couple years, it's to get rid of our $80,000 of debt (long story). 

After that, we'll see how his livelihood is going. If he's finally where he deserves to be, we could get along fine. If he stays miserable and spewing out expletives every 15 minutes, I don't think I can last another 30 years. I literally daydream about living alone, or about him just never coming home. Just for some peace. It's not as bad as it used to be, because I've learned to stand up for myself. So I'm learning, too.


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