# Would You Stay or Would You Go?



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

As in any situation, there are a lot of details I will need to leave out to keep it readable...but please give me your opinion about what YOU would do in this situation. 

I have been lied to by my boyfriend of 7 years. We have lived together for over 6 of those years in a home we co-own and basically function as if we were married. I/we have always considered our relationship to be great...we are good friends and always want to be around each other. I have been rattled by a few recent disclosures.

1st Incident: Found a photo of a friend's wife on his laptop in which she was seductively posed. I confronted him about it and he reported that they were jokingly texting back and forth and it went too far (both individuals are known to be very obnoxious and extreme in their joking) and their joking sexual texts led her to send him a few photos. He didn't know how to react to not make her feel weird and also wanted to protect me, therefore he never told me about it.

2nd Incident: Found out that he was communicating with a friend from work for three months via text, three or four phone calls, g-chat and at-work lunches etc. I was shocked in learning this because when I previously asked about her (prior to finding out about the communications), he reported to me that he "has not seen her in awhile" and "barely ever talks to her on text". I found over a thousand texts back and forth with her over the last three months. He is a person who texts and talks on the phone as often a a 13 year-old girl, but there were more communications with her than with any other person. After confronted, he maintains that they are "just friends"

3rd Incident: After the first two incidents, I became very suspicious about everything and was often asking him about what else he was hiding (he changed his online account passwords and other strange things during this time) to which he often replied that I need to start to try to trust him again and that I am not trying to heal us. For 6 months, I became upset on occasion and would ask him about what else he was hiding. He would always reply, "you are obviously upset about something specific...is there something you found out about that upset you?" In fact, I just knew in my heart he was still hiding things and that he was playing a game with me. After manipulating him into thinking I knew more than I really did, he finally admitted to one instance of having lunch with a high school friend, then going on a drive to the beach to talk and then having Facebook conversation with her in which she indicated she was interested in him. He deleted all of these. 

4th Incident: I persuaded him that I knew there was more and he admitted to *another* incident of being hit on by a mutual acquaintance multiple times, one of which went as far as her kissing him. This was a few years ago.

We have a counseling session this evening.

what would you do?


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## debbieok (Mar 28, 2011)

asking him about what else he was hiding (he changed his online account passwords and other strange things during this time) to which he often replied that I need to start to try to trust him again 


If he isn't going to have these things transparent for you to see then he cannot expect you to just trust him, sounds he has got away with this quite awhile. I have experienced this myself it would stop for awhile and when I let my guard down it would start again, hope it turns out different for you and the counseling helps. It is hard to trust again and tears couples apart so you will have to decide whether you can move past if he changes or not, if he continues I would go. take care


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

how do I know when it has gone on long enough? Maybe if another thing that he lied about comes out? I am having a hard time figuring out when enough is enough!!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

anonymous1978 said:


> how do I know when it has gone on long enough? Maybe if another thing that he lied about comes out? I am having a hard time figuring out when enough is enough!!


No one can tell you for sure when enough is enough, only you can decide that. I can tell you when I have had enough though. After I have tried all things I could to salvage the relationship. My signature pretty much sums it up when it comes to people and certain things or relationships in their life. 

There are some people who will say all day long how sick they are of something, however IMO they really must not be, if so they would get out of it. So obviously they aren't that sick of it and must be getting something from staying.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> As in any situation, there are a lot of details I will need to leave out to keep it readable...but please give me your opinion about what YOU would do in this situation.
> 
> I have been lied to by my boyfriend of 7 years. We have lived together for over 6 of those years in a home we co-own and basically function as if we were married. I/we have always considered our relationship to be great...we are good friends and always want to be around each other. I have been rattled by a few recent disclosures.
> 
> ...


 Girl you got yourself a man who just can't commit and keep his johnson parked only in your relantionship. Time to consider your options and see if this it what you want. Remember that if he cheats on you with somebody who has something (herpes, HPV, HIV) guess what? You are going to get it. Kick to the curb. Is your life worth the house? 

PS: 7 years? Come on the guy is getting the milk for free.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Update...almost a year later, and I'm still here. More disclosures of more inappropriate interactions, and I'm still in this house. What the hell is wrong with me?!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> I have been lied to by my boyfriend of 7 years.


That's all I had to read to know I'd be out of there as fast as I could.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> Update...almost a year later, and I'm still here. More disclosures of more inappropriate interactions, and I'm still in this house. What the hell is wrong with me?!!


I don't know, what is wrong with you?


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

anonymous1978 said:


> Update...almost a year later, and I'm still here. More disclosures of more inappropriate interactions, and I'm still in this house. What the hell is wrong with me?!!


Low self esteem, fear, the need to punish yourself for perceive transgressions in your past for which you feel guilty, you're emotionally brainwashed by him, he's a master manipulator who controls your every action.. that's some ideas to get you started.

Could be all of the above, none of the above but I'd say it basically boils down to fear. 

Whatever else is "out there" after this relationship ends could be worse! It could be better too, a whole lot better but fear doesn't work that way, it always paints the worst case scenario and we become trapped in our own indecisiveness and unwillingness to take what we know is the right step.

And that person, to whom we have given so much of ourselves to.. well they just know they can keep on doing whatever they're doing with no repurcussions whatsoever because so far, nothing has happened to stop them. 

It's a sad and vicious cycle and it's only going to be be broken when you either get your **** together or he leaves you for one of these other women he's screwing.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

It is definitely a sad, vicious cycle...I know what I need to do, but I don't do it. So weak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

HE should leave. HE should have to uproot his entire life and get out...not me. All I've done so far is been staying in a separate room. He wants to pretend to everyone like things are ok with us because he can't deal with the idea of being alone... I am disgusted with my own inaction and allowing myself to believe him and think htat I may be overreacting. ARGH!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

I will answer your original question first: I would go.

But then again I would be lying because I know I couldn't do it- at least not immediately. After all I'm still living with my wife and still trying to fix things. We've been married for six years and I'm effectively a virgin. To make matters worse, my wife has had a very rocky relationship with my family, to say the least. (See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/41758-breaking-down-when-things-could-work-out.html).

Anyway, back to you. Please don't be too harsh on yourself just because you stayed. This has nothing to do with low self-esteem or him being successful in trapping you in his emotional web, or anything of that sort. You stayed, and continue to stay because you don't want to give up hope. At the back of your head you still remember the person you fell in love with, and you don't want to lose him.

Unfortunately for you that person has changed. Even worse, maybe he was like this the whole time- you just didn't see it. Both possibilities are extremely painful and hard to come to terms with. But to be happy again someday you need to be strong today. Get back on your feet, lay down your demands. At the back of your head set your BF a deadline to meet your demands convincingly- and this time, stick to it.

Remember there are literally millions of men on the planet who could make you happy. The beauty of the universe is infinite.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> It is definitely a sad, vicious cycle...I know what I need to do, but I don't do it. So weak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need more concrete evidence to drive it home for you. Then you can look at it when you start to get weak.

Put a key stroke logger on his computer. Get one that either emails the info to you or that maintains it on a web site. Then you will have what you need to convice yourself that you are not making too much out of nothing. It should only take a few days to get enough. 

Then tell him to leave. If he will not leave then seen an attorney about how to proceed to get him out of the house. Do you have a common law or other sort of palimoney type situation that you can use for a 'divorce' to get rid of him. 

can you buy him out of the house? YOu will need to buy out his half if the house has any equity in this crazy market.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

anonymous1978 said:


> I am having a hard time figuring out when enough is enough!!


Enough is enough on the very first incident in which he got those pictures from that girl that you found.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Welcome any I would have to say " Nothing changes Nothing changes" sounds like he is up to his same old tricks you have been to marriage counseling etc I would think that it is time to do something different. 

Good Luck


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

When I was dating I worked with mindset of I didn't have time to waste on relationships that aren't going to go anywhere. Marriages are already hard enough and I'm telling you from experience that the beginning of your relationship when your both genuinely into each other and coming from a place of love and respect is crucial to sustaining your relationship sometimes. You don't have that with this guy because he doesn't even have enough respect for himself to be honest in his relationship with you. 

If I were in your shoes I would leave and find someone who treats me better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

To clarify, the recent disclosures are not new betrayals...just MORE old ones...now going all the way back to 2004/the beginning of our relationship.

Strangebound: thank you for your response it really resonated with me. I do feel like I have finally given up hope and come to terms with the fact that he is not the person he pretended to be all these years...and I was stupid enough to fall for it.

I have given myself a timeframe to leave, but I don't trust myself to actually follow it. I am a teacher and intend to leave at the end of this school year...but I remember thinking the same thing last year and here I am. So weak.

the funny side effect that I never could have predicated is the fact that I have NO interest in dating anyone...EVER again. I am sure this is temporary, but my feelings of betrayal are so deep that my distrust has spread to everyone...

EleGirl: unfortunately, after getting caught, he has stopped all such communications (at least that are detectable to me...and trust me, I have gotten VERY savvy).


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

I wouldn't stay with him. I'd see a lawyer ASAP and figure out what to do about the house. A lot of people feel like they never want to date again after getting out of horrible relationships. You'll recover in time.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He knows you've gotten savvy and so he's gone underground-a phone you don't know about, for example. 

Find the courage--you'll feel so much better about yourself if you do. At the very least, insist he move out, make plans to have a roommate (and tell him when the roomie is moving out), and let him know your thoughts on selling the house or buying out his part, if you choose to stay. But yeah, he's the one who has cheated, so he needs to be the one to go.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

I've spoken with a lawyer and learned that the first step would be a certified appraisal to determine the price of the home and then we determine buyout cost...

I have contacted an appraiser, which is the biggest step I've taken so far.


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## jtut21 (Mar 21, 2012)

It sounds to me that you have caught him in some unusual circumstances. However, it also appears that perhaps you are looking for reasons to find him doing something that would harm the relationship. The first incident could very easily have been innocent on his part even though it is not okay for him to have that picture. I don't agree with some of the incidents that have occurred but when you are looking to find something you will find it. Be careful in searching too far because you could harm the relationship with too many accusations but be observant. You are taking a great step in getting counseling.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Break up with the guy. He's lying to you and he's a serial cheater. This is going to get wayyyyyy worse after you get married, if you do get married. Come visit the Coping With Infidelity Board and look at what you're in for if you stay.

You deserve someone who will respect you. You're not married. Walk away.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

You need to get out! He is a lying *********


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Everyone is basically saying the same thing.

Get out, leave him, he's a cheater, etc.

People, she already knows these things!

The problem is she is completely powerless to do anything about it. 

Odds are he's going to leave her first. Of course he'd be doing her the biggest favor in the world, he'd be setting her free, something she is unable to do herself.

Like an animal in the cage, afraid to open the unlocked door and step out into the world..for reasons that even she is unable to explain or begin to understand. 

A good therapist might be a consideration.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

i do wish he would leave...that would make it so much easier. so much... I know that he won't leave. He wants nothing more than things to go back to the way they were and is doing everything he can to fix it...but by the time he started trying to fix things, it was far too late...there was over a year of trickle truth, lying, blaming, and defending. 

I wish I could agree that I am completely powerless, but I think I am just weak and sad...pure apathy

I've tried a couple therapists, but they only focus on the death of my mother when I was a child...i've never really gotten anywhere with any of them. Somehow, going to therapy stresses me out (kinda backwards, huh?)


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

hisfac...i think you explained it pretty accurately when you described the animal unable to leave the cage. It's funny how after you're in the cage for so long...you dont realize its there anymore...


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

anonymous1978 said:


> hisfac...i think you explained it pretty accurately when you described the animal unable to leave the cage. It's funny how after you're in the cage for so long...you dont realize its there anymore...


You know it's there.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

i know, now. The events of the last year and a half have been a not-so-subtle reminder.


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