# Confused and Feeling Guilty



## ConfusedandGuilty (Oct 30, 2009)

I'm looking for some input or advice or validation or maybe all of the above ... 

I've been married almost 30 years. We have two wonderful children (22 and 18 years old) who are both away at college and doing extremely well. I have a wonderful relationship with both my children and they mean the world to me. My marriage, however, has been upside down and tumultuous for at least the last 8 years. The passion and love left long before that but I resiled myself to an unhappy life for the sake of my children. My wife is an alcoholic who sought treatment last year but has had many relapses this year only making things more difficult in our home. I'd like to blame the alcoholism for the state of our marriage, but I truly believe that we'd be at the stage now with or without her addiction. I've tried to get her to counseling or therapy (couples and individual) or treatment, but she refuses. Now that both my children are out of the house, it feels more than ever like my wife and I are simply roommates leading separate lives. I have only stayed this long because of our children.

Almost one year ago I met a wonderful woman. She lives about two hours by car from me and we see each other at least once a week. We've carried on a PA for almost 8 months. I want to be with only this woman. She is strong, independent, kind, loving, caring, passionate, beautiful, intelligent, funny and I love her more than I have ever loved my wife or any other woman. I want to be with this woman and I feel guilty when I am away from her.

There is only one thing holding me back: the fear that I will hurt my children. I feel no guilt towards my wife (to be honest, I'm not sure she'd even notice if I was gone) but I do feel guilt about hurting and losing my children. I also feel guilty about not being able to devote my full attention and time to the woman I love. She has not asked for anything other than my time and it hurts me that I am not with her every minute of every day.

So, this is where I am now. I have decided to leave my wife (I have not told anyone this, not even my lover), but I cannot seem to pull the trigger. I have just started therapy but wonder if anyone out there has been in a similar situation and can offer me an advice. How have your children reacted? How has this affected your relationship with your children? I feel very confused about how to make this work so that the hurt to my children (and my wife) is minimized and I feel very guilty about the affect this will have on my children and that I cannot seem to pull the trigger and leave.


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## timeagain (Oct 30, 2009)

well buddy I have blew it I lost both of them...because I could not pull the trigger like you said....your kids will get over it...they want you to be strong and make your mind...I have been there and blew it....be fair to yourself in the 2 women in your life...if you are happy your kids will see it. take care buddy...and wish you the best....


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

They are 18 and 22. Time to learn to love yourself. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and it sounds like you tried your best.

Pull the trigger and your children, if you raised them right, will be happy for you.

good luck.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I'm in the same boat - married 23+ years with 2 kids, S20 & D16. My marriage is a sham and always has been. Wife has told me she hasn't felt close to me since we first started dating. That might explain why we haven't had sex in over 6 years and only 15-20 times in 23+ years.

I sooooo want to move on with my life (I'm 50) but remain in a complete unhappy mess due to my kids. I'm encouraged by the replies to the original post.

I wish you the best. Please keep us updated on what happens. I might be following your path to happiness.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

If you are leaving your wife to be with this other woman, I'd suggest that you are doing it for the wrong reasons. One doesn't equal the other. If you want to leave, then leave. Your kids will understand. But making leaving contingent on a soft landing, is a cowardly way to act. 

Cheating is cruel, no matter what the circumstances. The right thing to do is end it with the OW, get out of the marriage, and then figure out your next steps. 

Oh, and "she won't even notice" if you leave is a massive lie to yourself. Ending a long marriage is going to be a hell of a lot more emotional then you think. Your senses (and judgment) are totally clouded by this other woman.

Divorcing your wife is the least of your concerns regarding your children. The way they'd view you being in an affair is the much more pressing issue.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ConfusedandGuilty said:


> I feel very confused about how to make this work so that the hurt to my children (and my wife) is minimized and I feel very guilty about the affect this will have on my children and that I cannot seem to pull the trigger and leave.


How exactly do you think it will affect the children? Can you go into detail?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

100 percent disagree with this. His wife has chosen alcohol over their marriage again and again. This is a type of infidelity - she has broken her vows. He has found someone else. Good for him. Certain things are simply grounds for divorce - the fact he has a soft landing - well maybe if his wife had focused on being a wife instead of a drunk, she wouldn't be in this situation. 

My experience with alcoholics - is they will always choose a bottle over their family. 










seeking sanity said:


> If you are leaving your wife to be with this other woman, I'd suggest that you are doing it for the wrong reasons. One doesn't equal the other. If you want to leave, then leave. Your kids will understand. But making leaving contingent on a soft landing, is a cowardly way to act.
> 
> Cheating is cruel, no matter what the circumstances. The right thing to do is end it with the OW, get out of the marriage, and then figure out your next steps.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

the kids know what their mother is like. won't they be happy for you?





ConfusedandGuilty said:


> I'm looking for some input or advice or validation or maybe all of the above ...
> 
> I've been married almost 30 years. We have two wonderful children (22 and 18 years old) who are both away at college and doing extremely well. I have a wonderful relationship with both my children and they mean the world to me. My marriage, however, has been upside down and tumultuous for at least the last 8 years. The passion and love left long before that but I resiled myself to an unhappy life for the sake of my children. My wife is an alcoholic who sought treatment last year but has had many relapses this year only making things more difficult in our home. I'd like to blame the alcoholism for the state of our marriage, but I truly believe that we'd be at the stage now with or without her addiction. I've tried to get her to counseling or therapy (couples and individual) or treatment, but she refuses. Now that both my children are out of the house, it feels more than ever like my wife and I are simply roommates leading separate lives. I have only stayed this long because of our children.
> 
> ...


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

MEM - He said: 



> I'd like to blame the alcoholism for the state of our marriage, but I truly believe that we'd be at the stage now with or without her addiction.


The booze is an issue, but his kids are not going to jump for joy that he found a new woman. AND the affair has been going on for 8 month. He's not some victim here, he's a cheater. All cheaters rationalize their decision to cheat based on the spouse.

Or, F**k it - take the soft landing. Choose what makes you happy. Just don't be surprised when the whole thing goes to hell - your lover gets bored, and your kids don't respect you. After all your lover chose to be with a married man which wouldn't be my first choice for a life partner.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

PS: Usually when I read about someone hanging on to a bad marriage "for the kids" it ends up being some rationalization for the affair they are having. As if, by toughing it out, he was noble which makes the active affair more understandable. It's the same rewriting of marital history all cheaters employ to be able to sleep at night.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

To be fair I have no direct experience with cheating. My parents were faithful to each other - to my knowledge. My wife and I are faithful to each other. 

Maybe I am missing something - I have read so many stories here about people being treated so badly - maybe it is just their side of the story and they are lying - but if I were treated that badly - not sure I would have stayed married/and or faithful. 

And I do believe some partners pretend to be good until you are married/with kids and then they treat you like dirt. And when that happens I tend to be sympathetic to the person who got tricked. 







seeking sanity said:


> PS: Usually when I read about someone hanging on to a bad marriage "for the kids" it ends up being some rationalization for the affair they are having. As if, by toughing it out, he was noble which makes the active affair more understandable. It's the same rewriting of marital history all cheaters employ to be able to sleep at night.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

MEM - I want to be clear too, that if she's a drunk and it's untenable for him, then by all means leave the marriage. But one wrong doesn't justify another wrong. And really, he's asked for marriage counselling while he's involved with another woman. What kind of honesty is he really going to bring to the table.

Confused and Guilty - you need to get honest with yourself. This new woman isn't some saviour, you're just experiencing limerance. It passes. And the high you feel right now isn't much different than any other addiction. You're high on the feeling this woman gives you, probably partly because it's not a real relationship. It's a fantasy, made all the more sweeter by the forbidden nature of it.

It never ceases to amaze me how willing people are to dishonor themselves.


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## ConfusedandGuilty (Oct 30, 2009)

I appreciate the comments.

To "Seeking Sanity", I tried to get my wife into counseling continuously over a period of at least 5 years before I met the other woman. And I have been the only parent that my children have had for at least the last 10 years. My wife comes into and out of their lives depending on what she needs from them (for example, when my oldest hit legal drinking age, she became his best friend and tried to convince him to buy her alcohol; or when she drank a large bottle of vanilla extract that she convinced my daughter to buy for cookies they were baking while I was out of town on business, and then blamed my daughter for helping her fall off the wagon). Every situation is different and fact specific and I really don't think it's fair to judge until you've walked a mile. I know what I've done isn't ideal or a great example for my kids -- I should have been a man left my wife 5 years ago. What held me back was my children because my wife has a great capacity for endearing sympathy from others and making herself out to be a martyr. I did not want them to be swayed by her "victim" act at such an early age. I'm looking for objective advice here, not to be judged. 

Some developments. I told my wife over the weekend that I want a divorce. Her response was "as long as I get half of your sh*t, I don't care." I broke the news (about the divorce and my friend) to my kids yesterday and after initial silence, they both asked why I didn't do it sooner. So there you have it. It was all much easier than I could have ever imagined and I am now looking forward to moving on with my life.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"What held me back was my children because my wife has a great capacity for endearing sympathy from others and making herself out to be a martyr. I did not want them to be swayed by her "victim" act at such an early age."

Wow, I could have written that! Exact same situation.

Good luck C&G. I envy you and admire your courage. Please keep us updated.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Hey, if you need to get out, get out. Good that you took the step of asking for a divorce. However, I am being objective. But it sounds like she doesn't give a damn anyway, so I guess, in that way, your not hurting her. Good luck.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

C&G, I am a supporter of working things out in a marriage. That is my preference in most cases. But in your case, I want to tell you that I am happy for you. The kids provide a valuable perspective from the outside looking in and by your wife telling you she does not care you basically had your wish handed to you. I wish the best for you, it seems like you have what you wanted and you get your kids support as well. Wow, you are lucky. Good luck.


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## princefan86 (Aug 23, 2012)

I have to agree with seeking sanity! To be abandoned is hard enough, but to be abandoned for another woman is devastating. I understand that living with an alcoholic is trying at least. But you are running away from your problems and numbing yourself in the arms of someone else. Its no different than your wife numbing herself with alcohol. 

I can see a separation if it is to better yourselves and come back to the marriage better people. In which time you should ask your wife to seek treatment. And you would need to seek treatment yourself.

But might I suggest that a woman who would have an affair with a married man is not all she appears. There takes a certain amount of insecurity and neediness to do such a thing. You may be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. 

Stop a minute and ask yourself if your parents were to get a divorce at this time in your life how would you feel. As a child we will take on the responsibility for the parent left behind. All that you are running away from will fall on them. Eventually they may resent you in part for it. 

I don't advocate divorce, you could separate and seek help first something like a family is always worth trying to do everything possible before making it final!


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Princefan - see the post where he asks for the divorce and she says "I don't care as long as I get half your Sh!t". 

No one is going to step away from this awful relationship and return better people committed to a better marriage.

I congratulate you on asking for the divorce and telling your children. Prior to reading that post, my response was going to be "your kids aren't stupid and they're more than likely going to 100% support you." Seems that's what happened.

Spend some time living along. Don't jump right in with your friend. Get the divorce finalized and then start dating your friend. Real dating. Try and build a solid base for a future relationship and make sure that she's not just an escape from your crappy marriage. She seems legit and that's nice. I don't abide by the mantra that women who have affairs with married men are bad people. People are people. We do things we sometimes aren't proud of. It's not an indication of our goodness or badness. 

I truly hope your divorce goes well and your children are there to support you. I equally hope this woman is all that she seems to be and after dating her for an appropriate amount of time (and yes, dating can involve awesome sex!) you can introduce her to your children without problem.

Good luck!


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

And by the way, I'm not advocating cutting ties with your friend during the divorce process. I reread my post and that's what it sounded like. You can and should continue with that because it makes you so happy but at some point you should really "date" her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wish I could call you a name but thats against forum rules so I will just ask you a guestion.
Why are you so weak that you couldn't confront her booze long ago, and leave instead of hiding and decieving your family?

I guess the harder road is honesty......its so much easier to step out of a marriage and keep it to your self. Hell even as you type you can't even man up and tell your wife its over.

Years a go your kids would have been best served to have a better examble of a healthy relationships and how unexceptable alcoholism is by leaving for that reason rather then leaving for another chic.



BTW I think name calling should be allowed here at TAM


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I wish people would read all of the posts on the thread before jumping in with their untimely opinion. You can't really give an opinion or advice without knowing what's happening up to date.

The Guy - He told her it's over. She said fine. His kids supported him.


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## princefan86 (Aug 23, 2012)

C123 We don't know if that was said in an alcoholic rage. And I'd hate to say they have both taken the easy way out from life thus far. Its a pattern bound to repeat itself eventually. What has he learned from this other woman. Its ok to abandon your spouse on some level and step out of the relationship for fulfillment, she in a sense is already enabling him. Marriage are restored everyday. People change everyday, there is nothing saying that it can't happened. But because his mind is clouded by another woman he found is cushion for the fall he would have experienced had he left before this all happened. 

Sorry but it seems the cowards way out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

C123 said:


> I wish people would read all of the posts on the thread before jumping in with their untimely opinion. You can't really give an opinion or advice without knowing what's happening up to date.
> 
> The Guy - He told her it's over. She said fine. His kids supported him.


I wish people would look at the date of posts before they bump 3 year old threads.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Touche!

Hahaha. That's funny.


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## princefan86 (Aug 23, 2012)

I bet they are back together!! LOL My bad first day on here!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I stand corrected...even though it was 8 years late!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SOB........GOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even the-guy lets one get past


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@princefan86, 

WAY TO GO...THANKS FOR STARTING UP A ZOMBIE THREAD!!!

I need a good laught today


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## princefan86 (Aug 23, 2012)

LOL sorry guys... and the-guy... Being a woman I guess I led with heart first. Hate to see marriages break up!


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## princefan86 (Aug 23, 2012)

Next time I PROMISE to look at the dates!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Lol


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## fisherkings (Nov 5, 2014)

She is sick...why does that not apply in your vows anymore? Dont listen to the people that want to feel less guilty about their own bull**** they pull off on people. Your wife is dieing. Help her live by helping her. Go to Al Anon learn how to help her. You married her for a reason. You want someone to suck your ****. Pay a hooker. Go home and take care of your family like you said you would and stop crying about it on a thread like this. These people are idiots. Get some professional assistance and do it right. Would you let her get hit by a car? Prob not..so dont watch her die because youre tired.

Be a man and a husband and a dad and get it done.


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