# Why can't I cry???



## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

I have posted on here before. I have been married 25 years and my husband is an alcoholic. Last year I found out he cheated on me with a crack wh*re and had an EA with another and also made many attempts with even more women. I am in IC, and also I am in a group therapy with several other women. I am also on anti- depressants.

I guess I want to know if it is unusual that I have not cried over this since it happened. I have been very angry and sad, but have not been able to cry. And I am the type to cry over a movie very easily.

Any thoughts will be helpful.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Probably because people often cry when they've lost something they thought was important and relied on. You're being honest with yourself about it and hence, there ain't much to cry about. Truth is you'd probably jump for joy if he just hit the trail and set you free. How right am I?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I agree with TPhe. Also, the anti-depressants are helping level your moods. I'm wondering if you feel much more than a little of any emotion? That would be a test of the meds. See if you laugh at things which made you do so, in the past?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Too much pain already. Sounds like you already detached. That would be my guess.

I had a friend who died recently and I was shocked to find out that his wife was relieved. I did not know how obsessive and controlling my friend was and I mean over the top obsessive and controlling.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I have posted on here before. I have been married 25 years and my husband is an alcoholic. Last year I found out he cheated on me with a crack wh*re and had an EA with another and also made many attempts with even more women. I am in IC, and also I am in a group therapy with several other women. I am also on anti- depressants.
> 
> I guess I want to know if it is unusual that I have not cried over this since it happened. I have been very angry and sad, but have not been able to cry. And I am the type to cry over a movie very easily.
> 
> Any thoughts will be helpful.


Crying may come later. Or it might not. It's ok either way.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. It sounds like you are taking all of the necessary steps to find healing for your heart. Keep it up. 

The lack of tears may be attributed to your emotions being in a state of shock. I agree with Thorburn, all of this is probably so painful and harsh, you've lost your capacity to respond as you normally would. 

What has his response been to all of this? Is he showing remorse and a willingness to work on your marriage?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you watch movies and cry, that's sufficient. Crying is crying, the subconscious doesn't distinguish the reason, it's all the same. Movies and stories provide a good opportunity to cry about real stuff, without having to ruminate on the real stuff directly. I wouldn't worry too much about it.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree with Thorburn... Denial. I'm glad you are in counseling -- I did group counseling after I left and it was a huge help.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Antidepressants can make you numb, I'd say it can be that or you have just cried and suffered enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Are you still with your WH, Ginger? Did he ever come clean?

I suspect he just wore you out with his bizarre lies. Perhaps you lost respect for him & subconsciously don't think he's worth crying over (?).


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Some things just hurt too much to cry about. The pain just sort of burns away all the tears. I know after my husband finally confessed his serial cheating, I didn't cry. It was a combination of the burning pain, shock, anger and humiliation that resulted in a sort of brittleness that lasted for a long while.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Probably because people often cry when they've lost something they thought was important and relied on. You're being honest with yourself about it and hence, there ain't much to cry about. Truth is you'd probably jump for joy if he just hit the trail and set you free. How right am I?


You are right in that I never really felt I could rely on him. With his drinking I could never count on him to help me drive our children around to their activities. So you may have a point.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I agree with TPhe. Also, the anti-depressants are helping level your moods. I'm wondering if you feel much more than a little of any emotion? That would be a test of the meds. See if you laugh at things which made you do so, in the past?


I feel like the only emotion I feel right now is pain and I feel very anxious about my life direction.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Its very hard to answer this as everyone reacts differently. I surprised myself when I remained calm, (not in my character). But maybe its a reflection of how you handle other things in your life. 

Have you suspected him for a long time? Maybe when you found out for sure was in a way comforting as you confirmed your gut wrenching suspicion. I say this because for some reason, not knowing but suspecting to me was far more stressful, in a different way than Dday. I don't know why.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Too much pain already. Sounds like you already detached. That would be my guess.
> 
> I had a friend who died recently and I was shocked to find out that his wife was relieved. I did not know how obsessive and controlling my friend was and I mean over the top obsessive and controlling.


Through my MC I am working on detaching myself.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

ecotime47 said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. It sounds like you are taking all of the necessary steps to find healing for your heart. Keep it up.
> 
> The lack of tears may be attributed to your emotions being in a state of shock. I agree with Thorburn, all of this is probably so painful and harsh, you've lost your capacity to respond as you normally would.
> 
> What has his response been to all of this? Is he showing remorse and a willingness to work on your marriage?


He thinks I am okay with things since I haven't cried over this. He says he is sorry, but that he is done with other women. And he thinks I should be over them also.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I feel like the only emotion I feel right now is pain and I feel very anxious about my life direction.


Get in to see a psychologist or psychiatrist asap. You need counseling if you aren't in it already. I think you need to tell your psychiatrist about this, if he is prescribing the meds. I think you need to discuss it with you psychologist, also. Please do so, soon.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sweet Ginger said:


> I have posted on here before. I have been married 25 years and my husband is an alcoholic. Last year I found out he cheated on me with a crack wh*re and had an EA with another and also made many attempts with even more women. I am in IC, and also I am in a group therapy with several other women. I am also on anti- depressants.
> 
> I guess I want to know if it is unusual that I have not cried over this since it happened. I have been very angry and sad, but have not been able to cry. And I am the type to cry over a movie very easily.
> 
> Any thoughts will be helpful.


Shock. It can do that.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Are you still with your WH, Ginger? Did he ever come clean?
> 
> I suspect he just wore you out with his bizarre lies. Perhaps you lost respect for him & subconsciously don't think he's worth crying over (?).


Hello alte Dame, 
He still only admits to being naked with the crack wh*re. He claims he never had actual intercourse with her. (everything but that). Which doesn't make sense because he was seeing her for at least 2 years. The MC saw no need for him to keep coming because he only admits so much on each incident and is not going to say more. So I am seeing our MC as IC. 

I am still with him. Although have not had sex with him since the discovery of the crack wh*re. He keeps insisting on having sex, and says I should be over this, since he is not going to be with other women anymore. 

I am waiting until my third child finishes high school this spring to make any kind of decision. I am going to the local employment office and taking classes to better my job skills. I had quit my job after the birth of my third child, so my skills need updating. 

It's funny that you use the word respect, because that is how I feel about him right now. I don't respect him, but I do care about what happens to him. And I am not "in love" with him, but I still do love him at some level. Crazy I know.

About twice a week there is still a white napkin being dropped. And I am still in search of the two years of the "sex calenders", that I know he didn't throw away, but hide them somewhere. My MC thinks he probably has asperger's syndrome, which would explain some of his bizarre behavior.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Some things just hurt too much to cry about. The pain just sort of burns away all the tears. I know after my husband finally confessed his serial cheating, I didn't cry. It was a combination of the burning pain, shock, anger and humiliation that resulted in a sort of brittleness that lasted for a long while.


Hi Rowan,
I think I feel what you are describing. My husband is also a serial cheater. Can I ask if you are still with your husband? And how long ago did this happen to you?


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

roostr said:


> Its very hard to answer this as everyone reacts differently. I surprised myself when I remained calm, (not in my character). But maybe its a reflection of how you handle other things in your life.
> 
> Have you suspected him for a long time? Maybe when you found out for sure was in a way comforting as you confirmed your gut wrenching suspicion. I say this because for some reason, not knowing but suspecting to me was far more stressful, in a different way than Dday. I don't know why.


Hi roostr,
It may be how I do handle some things in my life. I can understand the not knowing part being so stressful. He still has not come clean with admitting to actual intercourse. But we both know that isn't true, especially since I made him have a sexual wart removed from a part of his body last summer. He only admits to being with several different women, and that he didn't actually do anything.
I feel stressed that he just can't admit to what he actually did. It is like he only told me the first part of several short stories and left the ending blank.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I was going to ask about the napkins. One of the posters here bought a camera and positioned it in his driveway. He caught his WW in her affair the first weekend he had it turned on. Could you set something like that up for the napkins? The fact that they continue points to his not stopping his cheating.

And didn't he contract an STD from the wh0re?

The way you've described him would make something like Aspergers make sense. His reactions are strange, to say the least.

You know, Ginger, sometimes crying just doesn't work for the pain. Sometimes we need a lot of time to process and the crying comes much later, if at all. I'm glad you're in IC. PTSD is not unusual in cases of infidelity. There are many threads here that describe people's struggles with it.


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Shock. It can do that.


Is it possible to be in shock for almost a year?


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I was going to ask about the napkins. One of the posters here bought a camera and positioned it in his driveway. He caught his WW in her affair the first weekend he had it turned on. Could you set something like that up for the napkins? The fact that they continue points to his not stopping his cheating.
> 
> And didn't he contract an STD from the wh0re?
> 
> ...


About the napkins, one night in early fall I got up at 2:30am and went out with my camera and binoculars and stayed awake to watch. Of course the napkin wasn't dropped that night. But when I mentioned during one of our MC sessions that I got up and watched to try to catch the person, suddenly the napkins stopped for about a month. 

And yes he did have a wart which I made him get it removed last summer.

I never thought about PTSD. I will have to look that up. I know some of the things my husband has blurted out to me have been traumatic for me to hear.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WH has stonewalled, trickle-truthed, and gaslighted you in a surreal way. I remember reading your reports of what he was saying & I was always thinking 'WTH.' It really was just this side of what we hear from the standard cheater. Maybe you are just having an unusually hard time wrapping your mind around what he has done. It's hard enough to begin with, but with him it's bizarre. The napkin thing is just weird.

Would it help you to squeeze more truth out of him? Tell him that he tells you the truth about the napkins or you are done, for example.

I don't know, Ginger. You're stuck in limbo, not even able to muster a tear, while he just keeps chugging along.


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