# CheatEE has been given green light to be a CheatER



## Canadajin (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi there again,

First off, I don't even know if "cheatee" is a word but what I mean by it is that I am the person who was cheated on, while the "cheater" is the one (my wife) who had been cheating on me.

You may remember me from this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...erous-wife-had-2-abortions-before-we-met.html

Quick update, my wife and I are getting along a lot better. We have decided, for the immediate future, not to divorce and to put things back together for the sake of our children. I did kick her out of the house for one night but it was so tough trying to take care of my 3 kids, the youngest one especially, that I allowed her to come back home.

I realize that I do love my wife but am still trying to cope with the amount of men she had been with before me and the fact that she did have 2 abortions with a chap from Nigeria before we met. I am also still trying to get over the 4 emotional affairs she maintained while dating and being married to me.

OK, now here it is: because she hid her past from me and brought some of her past into my life (3 out of the 4 guys she was having EAs with were ex-boyfriends), she has allowed me to go out and sleep with other women (ex-girlfriends, women from dating sites, escorts, massage parlor staff, professionals etc.).

I do like the thought of being allowed to go buck wild and sleep with as many girls as I like but really don't think it will help me get over what has been done to me. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go sleep with a woman years younger than me with no strings attached and the rest but will I be just making a torn apart marriage even worse? Will there be no turning back?

I'm guessing every man would love to have the opportunity I have been given but I just don't know if I am up to it or not. Again, would love to have no-strings-attached sex with random women again but...

What say you?


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Don't do it.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

It would make the situation worse.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Agree. If your marriage means anything, don't do it. Or separate first.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Canadajin said:


> Hi there again,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*NO! Not every man would want his "opportunity*". Thsi suggestion is the perfect storm for your marriage. If in fact you do love your wife, then this shold be the farthest thought from your mind.

Please don't make hasty decision to take her back or to throweverything out the window. Decide in haste and regret in leisure applies in reconcilliation.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It won't fix the problems, it will just add more to the mix.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Go for it. I started a similar thread a little while ago where I wanted to ask my wife if she'd mind if I did that. I mean, just because she hates me but wants to stay married for the kids doesn't mean I can't go looking for a little intimacy elsewhere, right?


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Don't even think about it, and no not every man wants this...


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I notice, revenge affairs never seem to yeild the intended results. 

You think it will help you feel better, and get over the betrayal. 

Well...the number of things that coud go wrong are uncountable. 
Like, your wife could go angry. Women are impossible to understand. She may have given you the green light to do this, but that doesn't mean she is expecting you to actually go through with it. 
If you do go through with it, she may lose her sex drive completely because she feels betrayed by you. 
Just because she is giving you the green light to trample her feelings (which I personally am usually all in favor of) this does not mean this is a good idea, or the correct way to do it. 
You could get the person you sleep with pregnant. There is a whole other can of worms.
You could even fall in love with the person you sleep with. You are upset and hurt with your wife. Do you really think having sex with another woman will help your situation by making you love your wife more? I don't think love works that way.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*NO! DO NOT DO IT!*

There needs to be one person in the relationship who remains, for want of a better term, out of the ditch. See, your wife fell in a ditch. It's YOUR job to pull her out, not to leap into the damn mud with her!


----------



## SelfTweaks (Nov 11, 2012)

Wow...really?

How could you even contemplate this? If you just experienced all this pain at the hands of your wife, how would you 'returning the favor' help your marriage?

I thought the reason you were hurt was because she broke her vow of commitment? Because she lacked integrity?

Someone in this marriage has to be the adult and show the other what it means to remain committed no matter what the situation or circumstance.

Remember two things: One, if two people lay down together, at least one will get up with feelings.

Two, if you do the same thing you have been complaining about in these posts....

Then what do you have to complain about in the first place?


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Boy, This is going to be one large train wreck. Please do not do that. Thank you.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you do, your children can find you both enjoying the gutter. Great example for them haw?

Shouldn't they have AT LEAST ONE parent that isnt morally bankrupt?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

You lose the moral high ground if you have a fling, even with her permission.


----------



## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

If you cheat (and that's what it'll be), she's off the hook. Is that what she wants?


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm going against conventional wisdom. If you think it will cause her the same pain it caused you (and give you an ego boost), I say do it. Too many WW's get away with "I'll be a good girl" (same for WHs). There would be a lot less cheating if there were a lot more penalties and based on what I see here, there are no penalties. Just my opinion.

Edit: I bet I don't get any "LIKES" for this posting.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I'm going against conventional wisdom. If you think it will cause her the same pain it caused you (and give you an ego boost), I say do it. Too many WW's get away with "I'll be a good girl" (same for WHs). There would be a lot less cheating if there were a lot more penalties and based on what I see here, there are no penalties. Just my opinion.
> 
> Edit: I bet I don't get any "LIKES" for this posting.


But it's not really a "penalty" if she gives permission. In fact, it's almost a reward.
Look, if you did a crime and you could choose between a year in prison or $1000 fine, you'd pay the fine. In this case, having the "cheatee" (as OP put it) do some cheating on his own is like paying the $1000 fine. It's easier than having to grovel for forgiveness every day.

And, quite frankly, I don't think it's a full penalty anyway. It doesn't involve the same lies, deceit, blow to self-esteem, disrespect, etc. that this "allowed" encounter would have. Cheating is about more than just putting a sex organ where it doesn't belong.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Revenge affairs never repair any damage but only create more damage.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I'm going against conventional wisdom. If you think it will cause her the same pain it caused you (and give you an ego boost), I say do it. Too many WW's get away with "I'll be a good girl" (same for WHs). There would be a lot less cheating if there were a lot more penalties and based on what I see here, there are no penalties. Just my opinion.
> 
> Edit: I bet I don't get any "LIKES" for this posting.


None from me, but only because I did have a revenge affair. And you know the crazy thing? My wife's affair hurt me. My affair? Broke me so totally I was on Seroxat for the crushing depression I went through. It really wasn't worth it.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> None from me, but only because I did have a revenge affair. And you know the crazy thing? My wife's affair hurt me. My affair? Broke me so totally I was on Seroxat for the crushing depression I went through. It really wasn't worth it.


Well you lived through it and I haven't. If it caused you problems then I fully understand your POV. However with my personality, I need to strike back hard when I'm hurt. I can think of anything that would hurt me more than if my wife took a lover and brought his filth home with her into our home/bed. If I can't get even, then I'd have to get out. I'm saying this now because that's how I feel now, but if I actualy go through it at some point, we'd just have to see what happens.


----------



## didntcitcoming (Oct 15, 2012)

Don't do it!! Bad idea. She gave you permission to make herself feel better for the next time she has an EA or PA.

More important though.....she sounds like a wh*re!! Why are you still with her?? If you think for a second that her destructive behaviors are over....I got swamp land in Florida to sell ya!!

Sorry about your situation and being so blunt....but sh!t, I would kick her a$$ out and hire a nanny or something. :scratchhead:


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Ugh, it sounds disgusting. Lets see who can get the most STD's.:/ 

In all seriousness... I'm with the others who say don't do it. What type of example do you want to show your children? Show your children that you are a great father with great morals. Be the better person. 

If you can't work on your marriage and get over her affairs, divorce your wife. Find a woman who is faithful.


----------



## BayArea (Sep 17, 2012)

I would say to take all that energy of wanting to sleep with other women and direct it to your marriage.. that is if you want to keep you marriage.... if you dont want to be married then do whatever you please... I dont think that this will help make your marriage better....


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's her ticket to tell you to get over it already. It's not for you, it's for her.
You entitlement won't vanish, it will increase. And you resent her for using it to rugsweep nad won't talk about her failoures anymore.
Your anger won't disappear.
The mind mobies will be there.
She won't tolerate be humble en ough to do the work, she wants AGAIN, the easy road.

Doing it in the open won't preserve your integrity. You are married or not. Even you put aside God your vows were you giving you word, your honor lays in your word. You told those vows not only to her but to yourself.

There's no quick fix to it, there's no justice or fairness, there's not balance, there's not getting even (cutting by the lower standar).
You must go through it, not around it.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Since i am already in the mud, let me drag you into it. It is so much fun rolling in the mud and we will both be equal. All my faults will be forgiven sice you are rolling in the mud too

And how did you actually confirm she did not sleep with her ex-bfs ? You had proof in her mails, right ?


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Wife offerred to let me have a revenge affair.
And because I was dumb and posted on facebook my marital crisis, there were plenty of women that wanted to 'comfort' me.

Dude, it won't help the situation. 

If you want to get closer with your WS after the affair is completely and 100% over, then hysterically bond the hell out of them.
I was so angry with my wife, I tried ripping phone books in half. Never succeeded though, but I was livid. 

Hard to stay angry with her when she wants to hysterically bond 3x a day. 
Doesn't take it all away, but it does help. Or well it helped me out.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If your even considering it I think you're missing the point entirely.

If you do want to sleep with other women, and given the betrayal by your wife I can see why other women would be much much more attractive - then answer isn't to it with her permission, it's to do it without her having any right as your wife to have a say in the matter.

So if that's your course, then go for the D. That way you will actually be able to bring them home to your own bed. And if you find a good one you can keep her.


----------



## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Don't do it. I think it's a trap. If you decide to get a divorce, and then you want to add 'Adultery' to it, she's going to say well..you can't, because you did the same thing. And also in the future, she may tell your children that YOU are the reason why you guys divorced, AND you won't be able to deny it.


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I'm going against conventional wisdom. If you think it will cause her the same pain it caused you (and give you an ego boost), I say do it. Too many WW's get away with "I'll be a good girl" (same for WHs). There would be a lot less cheating if there were a lot more penalties and based on what I see here, there are no penalties. Just my opinion.
> 
> Edit: I bet I don't get any "LIKES" for this posting.


I can sympathize. There are so many BHs on here lately that I think should just have revenge affairs if only so they become revenge exit affairs. So many of these stories involve WWs who are either totally unrepentant or lost in forever fantasy land. And then you get these poor guys who are so emasculated that they can't even think clearly and want to dive right into R. They are in the thick of the BS fog.

F*ck it. Move on. So few of these wayward women (and men) are worth it. If it takes a session of shallow, empty, meaningless sex with a rando to get the betrayed to see that then, so be it. Anything to get out of that BS fog.

...unless of course you actually want to R, for real.

I see your 0 likes and raise you a negative like.


----------



## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

How abou letting her know you have concerns about the consquences,so she will be involed in your sexual fantasies and that you will give her a list of eevry thing you have always wanted to do sexually to her and that you two wil be doing them if she is serious about getting back together.

If she was serious and did not come after you after sleeping with other people then I would go for it,but your wife does not sound to honset so I would not believe what she has to say.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You two should have never been allowed to get married. You are both way too immature. I feel sorry for your children.

Please, go find yourself a good IC, one who can help you sort out a good idea from a bad one, because between this thread and your first one, you haven't got a clue.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

If you're reconciling, bad idea. Because every issue you have in the future will somehow or the other be linked to her cheating and your revenge affair. But honestly, fidelity is a gift and its your choice to give it to someone especially after you know that they're not worthy of it.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Go and read the latest pages of this thread:
Just found out my wife's emotional affair was also physical. Don't know what to do!!?


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Don't do something stupid. 

She's handing you the half eaten apple and telling you it's ok to try it.

This story has already been written and you know how it ends.


----------



## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

Sounds like shes trying to use a 'get out of jail free card'

She knows she hurt you, she knows you feel like crap but she doesnt want to feel like crap so she says you go and do it too? then she doesnt have to feel crap about herself. she should feel crap about herself.

Dont do it, she needs to feel sorry / Remorseful for her actions not rugsweep them because you've done it too


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The MOW gave her BH permission to cheat with her friend. Then had the nerve to tell me she now knew how I felt. Bull crap!! Basically she consented to an open marriage, not an affair. But she will treat as though you cheated too. If you are prepared to deal with the fallout go for it. For me....I would become a hypocrit. But to each there own.


----------



## Canadajin (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses and insight. As it stands now I plan to be the better person, as some of you have said, by not stooping to her level and becoming a man-***** myself.

Although the lure of sleeping with random girl A, B and C is very tempting, I am over that and no longer want that in my life. Again, sleeping with some young vixen would be nice...but NO, I won't give into temptation!!

I have to keep things together for my kids. They come first, next comes myself and in dead last comes my cheating wife.


----------



## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Nope you will feel like a huge POS. I'd advise against it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

My friend, no matter how anyone tries to validate it, adultery is just plain wrong. Also adultery is not just cheating, the mere fact that a married person is engaging in sex with a person outside of their marriage, is adultery. Negotiated adultery is just as wrong as cheating. 

For your own sence of honour and integrity please do not engage in an adulterous affair. Permission or not. 

Because of your wife's dirty indisgressions, it has been thrust upon you to be the sole example of right and wrong to your children.

Please, be strong and do not forsake your honour.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Don't turn yourself into a *****. Respect your wife, your marriage and your God.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

If you decide to do this you will inevitably be hammered by the same principle that politicians routinely face. That being the law of unintended consequences. Please don't be as stupid as most politicians.


----------



## Canadajin (Oct 23, 2012)

I keep on playing this over and over in my head. One day I think I don't want to do it the next day I do.

Life with my wife is getting better somewhat but then I rage a lot too. When I am in the rage state I want to go out and do what bad boys do.

How do I get the hell out of this frame of mind?

*sigh*


----------



## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Canadajin said:


> Hi there again,
> 
> First off, I don't even know if "cheatee" is a word but what I mean by it is that I am the person who was cheated on, while the "cheater" is the one (my wife) who had been cheating on me.
> 
> ...


It would make you as bad as her. Don't do it. And, she may have an ulterior motive - does she want to cheat again?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need a montra= something you repeat to your self over and over again when those bad thought try to get in your head. Mine is " I diserve good thing"


----------



## Canadajin (Oct 23, 2012)

the guy said:


> You need a montra= something you repeat to your self over and over again when those bad thought try to get in your head. Mine is " I diserve good thing"


Yeah, I've tried to come up with some sort of mantra type dealio. Mine goes something like this, "You've also really done bad things during the marriage", and "don't stoop down to her level, be the good guy and let her be that bad guy".

It has worked at times but when times of rage take over my actions they cease to work. I sometimes wish I still smoked weed regularly.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Canadajin said:


> I keep on playing this over and over in my head. One day I think I don't want to do it the next day I do.
> 
> Life with my wife is getting better somewhat but then I rage a lot too. When I am in the rage state I want to go out and do what bad boys do.
> 
> ...


In all honesty, it is a choice you need to make. That's all in the end. One day you will decide you are tired of being angry, that you choose to not be angry anymore, and you pretty much do it. That's not to say you won't have flare ups, good days and bad days, but you stop feeding the anger, building it. What gets you to that point? Time, thoughts that focus on the good things in your life, positive things like exercise, meditation maybe, mindfulness. When you are ready, you'll make the choice, and it will stick.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And how did you actually confirm she did not sleep with her ex-bfs ? You had proof in her mails, right ?


----------



## Canadajin (Oct 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> And how did you actually confirm she did not sleep with her ex-bfs ? You had proof in her mails, right ?


I have absolutely no evidence regarding whether she plowed sausage or not. At this point in time, it doesn't matter. After long thinking, I've come to think that EAs are worse than PAs.

Quick update, I have decided to move out and separate. Will this lead to divorce? With my present feeling, yes it will.


----------



## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

It would just make things worse. Don't do it. Think about why she's giving you permission to do it--does it even the score? Let her off the hook? Give her something to throw back in your face when you talk about her affairs? I just don't see how anything positive could come of it.


----------



## shattered32 (Nov 19, 2012)

No , if i was given that option my first reaction would have been to say ok - so what we have is over , i am walking out / moving on - and once i did that then yes if opportunity would allow and the heart was willing i would see someone else.

No matter how bad things are , i would never offer such an option to my wife , unless i felt absolutely nothing for her , and in case i did fell nothing - why bother hanging around anyway?



Canadajin said:


> I'm guessing every man would love to have the opportunity I have been given but I just don't know if I am up to it or not. Again, would love to have no-strings-attached sex with random women again but...
> 
> What say you?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Talk with a lawyer before you make any decisions or take any actions. If you think D is likely, everything you do must be strategic. Moving out could be considered abandonment and thus could affect your divorce decree.


----------

