# Getting over guilt and making the right decision



## GuiltyGirl77 (Jun 7, 2017)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we are very happy, we are very loving to each other and very respectful. We have integrated into each other's families so wonderfully and we hope to get married in the next year or two. I love him with all my heart and I have betrayed him so badly. Last week, we had a wonderful time at a friends birthday party, but I got very drunk. We went back to my apartment with one of his best friends and continued to drink. He got tired and went back to his apartment and his best friend and I stayed talking. I don't remember what happened exactly because of how drunk I had become but I slept with his friend. His friend is also in a relationship and we stopped halfway through because we felt so guilty. We promised never to repeat it because it would hurt our SO's so much and they both don't deserve that. I haven't been able to sleep or anything because I feel so guilty. I don't want to tell him because it'll hurt him so much and I think I'll kill myself if he leaves me. He hasn't picked up on anything happening and we've spent some lovely times together this week. 
What do you think I should do? Bury the secret? How do I get over the guilt?


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You should tell him what happened, he deserves to know. If he had sex with your best friend, would you want him to tell you or hide it from you? 

I would say that you can't rid yourself of the guilt until you confess what you did. This is why people shouldn't get drunk. One's judgement is shot, and one does things they shouldn't. Now you have to live with the consequences of the choices that were made. I feel your pain, and I'm sorry that this happened, but quite frankly, you have no one to blame but yourself. Ask him for forgiveness, and put yourself at his mercy.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He will find out.


----------



## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

its better to tell him


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is like drunk driving and killing someone. You may get away with it but it is never going to go away. One day he will find out or if you are a decent person the hiding it will kill you, or at the very least the relationship, better to just take the consequences now before marriage, kids, which will make it much worse. Frankly you are not mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone right now. You need to work on that before you should be. 

You say you love him with all your heart but it wasn't enough to stop you from doing what you did. You really need to mature enough to love better then that, because honestly what is a love like that worth? I girl who loves you with her whole heart and still sleeps with your best friend. 

How old are you by the way?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you can use the excuse of drinking as a reason to have sex with his friend but your just lying to yourself and us. The other problem you have is that if you are that loose after drinking than you either have a drinking problem or a morality issue. either way your boyfriend should honestly not be party to either. tell him or you may have a character problem on top of all that....please seek help.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you plan to give vows to this man, do not let him return them to you based on a lie of omission.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Do the right thing and confess.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Please dont blame it on alcohol. This is just excuse that some 16-18 years old use.

You also said you cant remember anything,but you do remember stoping somewhere in the half. Also you do remember talking with his Friend and trying to make up a story and cover your cheating. It is ok to lie to us,but why would you lie to yourself ?

Tell your Boyfriend and tell the other girl. Both of them deserve to know.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GuiltyGirl77 said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we are very happy, we are very loving to each other and very respectful. We have integrated into each other's families so wonderfully and we hope to get married in the next year or two. I love him with all my heart and I have betrayed him so badly. Last week, we had a wonderful time at a friends birthday party, but I got very drunk. We went back to my apartment with one of his best friends and continued to drink. He got tired and went back to his apartment and his best friend and I stayed talking. I don't remember what happened exactly because of how drunk I had become but I slept with his friend. His friend is also in a relationship and we stopped halfway through because we felt so guilty. We promised never to repeat it because it would hurt our SO's so much and they both don't deserve that. I haven't been able to sleep or anything because I feel so guilty. I don't want to tell him because it'll hurt him so much and I think I'll kill myself if he leaves me. He hasn't picked up on anything happening and we've spent some lovely times together this week.
> What do you think I should do? Bury the secret? How do I get over the guilt?


Be honest, tell him. There is no place in a relationship for lies and if you hide it now it will rear it's ugly head and his bestie or someone else who he has told will let it slip about you and when you are drunk, etc.
Get it over with. 
I find it strange that your BF would leave you alone and drunk with his drunk best friend without hanging around, that sounds very odd to me. Could be a case of him setting you up to test out your faithfulness. Something isn't right with this picture. I know my then BF and now H is a lot of things but he would never leave me alone like that because he doesn't trust other men and rightfully so methinks.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

aine said:


> Be honest, tell him. There is no place in a relationship for lies and if you hide it now it will rear it's ugly head and his bestie or someone else who he has told will let it slip about you and when you are drunk, etc.
> Get it over with.
> I find it strange that your BF would leave you alone and drunk with his drunk best friend without hanging around, that sounds very odd to me. Could be a case of him setting you up to test out your faithfulness. Something isn't right with this picture. I know my then BF and now H is a lot of things but he would never leave me alone like that because he doesn't trust other men and rightfully so methinks.


It would not occur to my husband or me to try to prevent each other from spending time with whomever each other wished. We trust each other completely.

OP, the only peace will come through full confession and humble acceptance of the consequences.

I am concerned, though, when you say you will kill yourself if he leaves you. No man is worth suicide, honey.

Do you have a trusted friend or relative you can share this with and get support from? Could you book an appointment with a counselor?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

So you don't know what happened but you had sex with his best friend.I will tell you what happened,you took your clothes off and got into bed with his friend and you ****ed.There is no stopping halfway through,as soon as his **** was inside you you were ****ing another man and cheating on your boyfriend,the man you love so much.
Don't worry about the guilt,this sort of thing gets easier every time.Try not to get an std or pregnant before the wedding.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its OK to blame it on alcohol - but if you truly believe that, then alcohol makes you do things you would never do otherwise. You should give up all alcohol - permanently. Then this won't happen again.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Tell your boyfriend what happened. He deserves to know. And, frankly, it will be so much worse if you and his best friend keep this secret from him for months or years. Can you imagine the betrayal he'll feel when he finds out that both you and his supposed best friend have been conspiring to keep this huge secret from him - every single day, every time all of you hang out together, every time you say you love him, every time he's having a beer with his best buddy? He's going to imagine the two of you have been shagging on the regular, and laughing behind his back about it, all that time. He's going to feel like every day, every interaction, your whole life together from the point of your betrayal onward, has been a lie, a fiction, that he's been an utter fool to believe. Don't compound your fault by doing _that_ to him on top of your cheating. Tell him now and take your lumps.

Also, in future, it might be wise for you to grow some boundaries. Don't drink too much. Don't spend time alone with other men when you're in a relationship. Either one might have prevented this situation, even the potential of it. And both are entirely within your control.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@GuiltyGirl77, I hope you haven't run away because of what you've been reading.

Inside, you must know that it is unfair to your boyfriend to hold back the truth. Trapping him in a lie is something that many, many posters here have faced, myself included. IF he decides to leave you, that is the natural consequence. Avoiding consequences in life will only get you so far, and is most certainly not the way to live if you wish to be recognized as an adult. If he were to find out the truth from someone other than you, you will be branded with the label of "liar," which could have ramifications in any of your future relationships.

It's your choice to determine what the "Right Thing to Do" is, but believe me... you will face consequences regardless of any choice you make. Perhaps not immediately.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Guiltygirl

I can understand why you have chosen the username that you have. There is also a problem with having this name, and I wish you had chosen remorseful girl. At the moment and judging this from just your one post, you do feel guilty and possibly very shameful as well. Remorse has not set in with you yet, but I hope for your sake it does. 

From what you did post, you have two options. You can tell the truth, or you can lie and build and a relationship on lies. I'm sure you can understand that a relationship built on lies is like building a house with playing cards, not very sturdy. Therefore I believe you know what choice to make, but maybe hoping you wouldn't have to tell. Maybe you thought you would feel better if others supported you to lie. I don't think that will happen here and judging from the responses it may seem like nobody is supporting you. What concerns me is what @Satya stated, that you would harm yourself if he left. 

I see suicidal people every day, and a large percentage do this for attention or manipulation. I'm not saying you are trying to do this, but if you do believe you would harm yourself then get help immediately. Any emergency room is equipped to handle your suicidal ideations. Once you get help I can only hope that you never feel or say suicidal ideations again. 

If I were in your position I would begin to see a therapist. I would then confess to your boyfriend, and tell OM that you are confessing. Your boyfriend is getting a double betrayal, his girlfriend and his best friend have both humiliated him. It's true what you say that this will cause him pain, but not telling him and him finding out later will be worse. Not only will he have the pain, but now the level of deception becomes that much worse, his life will appear to be fake, and no matter what he does he will never get that time back. 

Before I mentioned remorse, and for you to get to remorse you have to end the deception. While I agree you do feel guilty, it isn't close to remorse. That is where you need to get too, when you feel your boyfriends pain. Please don't tell me you feel his pain, he has none because you have lied, so you are really only feeling your own pain. 

Best of luck to you.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Please don't blame it on alcohol. Its like saying the devil made me do it. From my experience with alcohol as a teenager (I drank regularly) I didn't do anything i didn't want to do, while i was drunk. Saying i was so drunk i cheated is a cop out. You need to own your s%^& and not blame it on "The Devil" That being said

You need to tell him, regardless of the outcome. The truth always comes out eventually. How would you feel if the situation were reversed and you found out months or years later. He deserves to know the truth.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

GuiltyGirl77 said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we are very happy, we are very loving to each other and very respectful. We have integrated into each other's families so wonderfully and we hope to get married in the next year or two. I love him with all my heart and I have betrayed him so badly. Last week, we had a wonderful time at a friends birthday party, but I got very drunk. We went back to my apartment with one of his best friends and continued to drink. He got tired and went back to his apartment and his best friend and I stayed talking. I don't remember what happened exactly because of how drunk I had become but I slept with his friend. His friend is also in a relationship and we stopped halfway through because we felt so guilty. We promised never to repeat it because it would hurt our SO's so much and they both don't deserve that. I haven't been able to sleep or anything because I feel so guilty. I don't want to tell him because it'll hurt him so much and I think I'll kill myself if he leaves me. He hasn't picked up on anything happening and we've spent some lovely times together this week.
> What do you think I should do? Bury the secret? How do I get over the guilt?


The guilt will eat you alive. 

So it will be ok if he does the same as long as he doesn't tell you?

If you can't be honest with him, well you get the point. 

Hope you do the right thing and let him know. I really don't thing you are in love with him to be able to do this. Yes, you love him in a way but you are not in love with him.


----------



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

By not telling him, you will become a liar.

By burying this secret and continuing your relationship with your boyfriend, you will become a thief because you will steal precious years from his life. You will take away his choice to decide for himself whether he should stay or leave you.

By not confessing, you will become a coward because you don't want to face the consequences of what you have done.

Don't be a liar, a coward, and a thief. 

Pull up your big girl pants and confess to him. Rip the band-aid off and own your action.


----------

