# divorce over no sex?



## mmmmoore (Aug 3, 2012)

I am 22. My husband is 25. We have been married for over a year and have a son. We dont have sex, except MAYBE once a week...maybe...so far it has been over 3 weeks. He tried...and it wont get up. I can't figure out what is going on. I asked him if there was anything I could do and he says, "I don't know." Which makes me think "yeah, fatty" I try to arouse him and nothing happens. He works 6 days a week, and I am in school 5 days a week and work 1 day a week, and full time mommy, even when he's home. He just plays video games and ignores me. If I don't talk, then we don't have any conversations. He pecks me on the lips maybe once a day. Sometimes 2 or 3. But I told him yesterday I just wanted to make out and he kept just playing around. I don't see him hardly at all, so I thought our time was valuable together. He tells people, "Oh we have a kid, so thats why." But our son takes naps and sleeps at night, there aren't any excuses. He says that hes too tired, but he will stay up half the night and play video games. I am livid. I have to wait until he wants to have sex, and I get so mad because because he puts everything before me. When we first got together we would have sex 2-3 times a week. When I was 9 months pregnant, we would have sex every night we were together (he moved states before we got married). I don't think he loves me. He says he does but its not there. I don't feel a spark. And I am so hurt that it embarrasses me that he says things like ,"uh sure.. i guess we can have sex......." then complains the whole time or burps and it just turns me off. I almost hate him for it.


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## aussiechick (Jul 1, 2012)

He needs to know his actions are making you feel like a low priority. Communication is key. Write it, articulate it and ask for his full attention away from technology. Don't male about sex. That will come when the other parts of intimacy are addressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I am assuming your sex life at one time was acceptable. If so, here are a few things to do, preferably at the same time"

1. Get him to a doctor for a full check up. Something may be off physically. ED can be a sign of bigger problems. It also may be why he is not initiating, as he is embarassed and ashamed.
2. Check his computer to see if there are any bad habits, like porn or someone else. Not saying there is, but it is best to rule those out.
3. Suggest counseling. If you had sex up until the baby, he *could* be having issues with that. Perhaps seeing you as a mom is turning him off. Regardless, counseling could help him open up.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

25 is way too young for a a dude to not want to constantly be having sex with his young wife. It's got nothing to do with your size. This is HIS problem.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Is he into porn at all...............that you know of? That could have a huge effect on him.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

You were having a decent amount of sex before the baby came along. 

You gave birth, and he became unattracted to you. This is, unfortunately, a very common problem.

It could be that he's got a Madonna-W.ho.re complex, and can't see you as a sexual being now that you've given birth to a child.

It could be, and this is very passe to discuss, that he's not attracted to you larger, post-pregnancy body.

It could be that he's young, and the on some level feels that the pressure of being a father and husband is too much to handle, and he's escaping you, and his responsibilities, in porn, video games, and whatever else he can use to run away.

Whatever the case, he's not interested in you. Anger, even hatred, at least stem from a place of deep emotional connection to a person. Your husband sounds indifferent, and apathetic. That is an extremely bad sign.

Please ask him, flat out, without any anger or malice, if he feels that he's in over his head, or he made a mistake, or wants a different life. And please be prepared for whatever answer he gives you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you need to get to the root of the ED

possibilities-

1) Physical or mental ED- needs to see a doctor for testosterone levels and possible meds and even check for cancer or such
2) He's masturbating a lot without you knowing either with or without porn
3) He's having an affair- do you have any red flags at all to think this? (not trying to suggest this is the most likely scenartio, but it is a possibility)
4) Depression- does he show other signs of this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is he playing games on a game counsole or on a PC?

Does he play on-line games?

Put a keylogger on the computer he uses and find out what he's up to. There is a very good chance that he is waiting until you are asleep and has a late night online sex life going on with porn, chat rooms, virtual worlds, etc.

Do not tell him that you are gathering info because he will only get better at hiding his activities if you do.

Once you get teh info you can decide what to do...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Saying there's a "very good chance" is jumping out of line really. The OP did nothing to suggest he's got anything going on the side at all. It is a possibility, I agree, but hardly a "very good chance" at this point.

Before going through all the hassle of doinga keylogger, do some simple testing on your own. Go to bed tonight, but instead of actually going to sleep, wait an hour or so ( or even 30-45 minutes) and if you can, sneak out and see if you can get a look at what he's doing online. If he can see you coming so you can't sneak up on him, listen and wait for him to go to the bathroom or the someplace else in the house. 

If he's scrambling to cover up what you might find, then there's reason to be suspicious.

All of this on-line crap is why I've demanded full disclosure between me and my fiancee. My ex-wife dia lot of this online running around, and I'm not going through it again. I don't snoop on my fiancee at all, but I've told her I expect to have access if for some reason I ever do suspect something. We have an agreement on that, as I believe in the statement 'if there's nothing to hide, there's nothing to find' statement.

Not everyone agrees with this and takes the 'invasion of privacy' stance, and that's fine. I just find there's less trouble worrying this way for me. I'm not advocating my actions for anyone else, as to each their own.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

The chances of a 25 year old male having ED are already low enough.

Add on to the fact that he's ED mysteriously came AFTER she gave birth, and we're likely talking about factors here beyond a physical ED problem.

Two things stand out. First she says:



mmmmoore said:


> We dont have sex, except MAYBE once a week...maybe...so far it has been over 3 weeks. He tried...and it wont get up.


Then procedes to tell us:



mmmmoore said:


> I don't feel a spark. And I am so hurt that it embarrasses me that he says things like ,"uh sure.. i guess we can have sex......." then complains the whole time or burps and it just turns me off.


People with real ED desire sex, but their bodies will not cooperate with their will. Genuine, medically based ED, does not fit the bill here. She doesn't feel the spark coming form her husband, and he's indifferent to having sex with her. And again, the time is suspect as it conveniently happened at the same time he became a father, she gained weight, and they started taking care of a child and raising a family.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would only stay with this man if he owed up to what he is doing... masterbating to porn - for one... and if it is not that he is wasting his seed on the computer screen -choosing this over his young wife.... and meeting you half way to get to the roots of the problem.

If not that-rule out if he has had a drop in his Testosterone levels, also some MEDS can steal our libido .... Is he taking anything? 

IF it IS low Testosterone (the horny hormone that men have 10 times over women generally)... he would be showing other symptoms as well.... like feeling drained, tired after work suddenly...some brain fog, depression is common along with lagging erections. If he is getting morning Boners, he does NOT have a TEST Problem- that can be ruled out.

"Performance Pressure" ..you said he has tried and it won't go up....He is likely devestated about this and it is playing on his mind so bad, he is causing himself to stay limp. This IS what happens, men can get into a real Pickle with this mentally and need help to overcome. Their brains are interfering with the relaxation & Pleasure. They need to relearn how to get their mind off thier member and let nature take it's course, it can be grueling for a man. 

There are these exercises called "*Sensate Focus*" that you & he could try...what a Sex therapist would have you do at home.....

This book explains all of this -  Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems ;Barbara Keesling Ph.D.: Books

Get to the roots. Even resentment can cause a loss of desire for a partner....and attraction issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Saying there's a *"very good chance"* is jumping out of line really. The OP did nothing to suggest he's got anything going on the side at all. It is a possibility, I agree, but hardly a "very good chance" at this point.


Yes there is a very good chance. Few men his age will go for long periods of time without sex. He's getting something somewhere.

My exh was very good had changing screens at the first sound of anyone approaching.. alt-tab is the key stroke combination I think. He jokes about it when he's online sexting.. That's how I know that this is what he does.. because I put a keylogger on his computer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would only stay with this man if he owed up to what he is doing... masterbating to porn - for one... and if it is not that he is wasting his seed on the computer screen -choosing this over his young wife.... and meeting you half way to get to the roots of the problem.
> ....


If he will not do what is necessary to get your sex life back on track I would not stay with him. What he is doing is a form of emotional abuse. Look what it's doing to your emotional wellbeing.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

I know the folks on this thread are well-meaning but instead of installing spyware on his computer and becoming a secret agent porn investigator , I'd strongly suggest you sit down and communicate your feelings to him in a calm, non-hysterical, non-judgmental, loving way. 

Sit him down, take his hands, look him in the eyes, and tell him that you love him and that your marriage is really important to him. Tell him that feeling connected to him is REALLY important to you. Then tell him what you want. Focusing on telling him what you want physically that doesn't involve him having an erection. If that's kissing you, tell him. If that's holding you, tell him. Use "I" statements to describe how YOU are feeling. "I feel loved when you (hug me, kiss me, *insert what you want him to more of here*)". Also, don't tell him how he's feeling or yell at him or get angry. This is doable for you. 

Women also sometimes fail in their communication with men because they share their problem, but don't offer a solution. Men are problem-solvers and if he cares about you he'll want to solve the problem. So once you share your concern, you must also offer a solution.

The main thing here is to come from a place of love and understanding as opposed to anger and resentfulness. 

As previously alluded to, for now I'd leave the ED stuff on the back-burner. Take the pressure off for him. It may be porn related it may not. But it may also be that he's feeling emotionally disconnected to you or feeling pressured to perform (which is a libido killer). Many guys, particularly when it comes to ED, would rather bury their head in the sand. By showing that you love him and want to work on the marriage, he will be more motivated AND comfortable in addressing his "problem" if it's still a problem.

So again, I'd leave the ED stuff out for now and work on co-creating more intimacy between the two of you. See how that goes - and then if he's still having the ED issue, come back and post and we'll help you take it from there.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes there is a very good chance. Few men his age will go for long periods of time without sex. He's getting something somewhere.


My husband didn't have a lot of sex with me for the first 7 years of our marriage. His particular problem was me but he was 25.

I will admit I wonder what he did in the absense of being with me and I've never gotten up the nerve to ask (this was 14 years ago). He's not into porn (internet wasn't even around then) and there wasn't anyone else. I swear sex just isn't that high on his priority list. He's like a LD female. If things are going well he likes it but if they're not he's just as content to sleep alot and watch tv. LOL

My point is you can't always assume cheating or porn. There could be lots of other things going on. My husband also came from a very repressed childhood home surrounded by way too many women. It's complicated.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes there is a very good chance. Few men his age will go for long periods of time without sex. He's getting something somewhere.
> 
> My exh was very good had changing screens at the first sound of anyone approaching.. alt-tab is the key stroke combination I think. He jokes about it when he's online sexting.. That's how I know that this is what he does.. because I put a keylogger on his computer.


And once again, I'll state my belief there isn't a good chance.

I know your situation, I replied in the thread about it, so I know where youa re coming from. To extrapolate that to this situation though has no merit based on the OP.

You are assuming information which wasn't provided.

Just because a man appears to not want sex doesn't mean he's got a sex life going on the computer, or even that there is a very good chance. The Op doesn't even mention a computer period, so you don't know if he's playing xbox or PS3 or something else altogether. He may not even being playing online, period, nevermind at a computer.

What is more likely is that her husband has some underlying issues, such as being unattracted to her due to her body, a possible porn issue (once again, don't need a computer for that either), or maybe he handles stress badly or has a poor self-esteem issue. All of these are more likely, and more frequent, than the issue your ex had.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

mmmmoore said:


> I asked him if there was anything I could do and he says, "I don't know." Which makes me think "yeah, fatty" I try to arouse him and nothing happens.


Since you said the F word, I have to ask..

Who's the fat one, you, him or both?

Even if he's got a lot of weight on- that's not typically associated with ED especially at his age. On the other hand, if you used to be slim and sexy and now that you've had a child and perhaps you're leading a more sedentary lifestyle and you're packing on the pounds, he just isn't attracted to you anymore and he's avoiding you and sex by focusing on other things like video games, it's an escape, not only from the sex but from you.

It happens. Luckily, if that's the case, there's a cure.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

Relationship communication should be escalated as necessary.

Imagine if your neighbors dog kept running on your property and defecating. The first thing you would do wouldn't be to set his family's house on fire.

No.

You probably also wouldn't run over to his house and start screaming at him and threatening him the moment he opens his door. Again, he may have never even known this was an issue so this probably isn't the best tactic.

No.

You'd walk over and POLITELY let him know that his dog is defecating on your property. Hell, he might not be aware his dog is doing so! This way, you give him a chance to solve it without anger, resentment or overt hostility. You do your best to solve it like adults.

And chances are it stops here. If it does not, you escalate as necessary. 

One of the biggest mistakes I see is that people withhold what they're feeling until they explode or break into hysterics and then it's a much more difficult issue to address.

Make your feelings known in clear, calm, rational, and if possible loving manner, and if necessary, move on from there...


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes there is a very good chance. Few men his age will go for long periods of time without sex. *He's getting something somewhere.*My exh was very good had changing screens at the first sound of anyone approaching.. alt-tab is the key stroke combination I think. He jokes about it when he's online sexting.. That's how I know that this is what he does.. because I put a keylogger on his computer.


yep.........


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

It sounds very much like a porn addiction. I think EleGirl is right unfortunately. A key logger is a good idea. If you ask him, he will deny it and put more effort into hiding it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

go ahead and divorce than if you feel that is what you need to do. If you are not 100% on board than just divorce if its not a consummate love than its pointless and its best to leave. 

best of luck


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Your husbnd has no good excuse to not meet your sexual needs.*

I agree that you should do everything in a very loving way to help your husband resolve whatever it is that has caused him to be abnormal for a young healthy male. *However, in the end there is no excuse for a young healthy male to not take care of his wife's sexual needs.*

PS
Stop with the "fatty" talk. there is no meed in you thinking that you are the problem.


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