# No bdsm, but experiencing sub-drop?



## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

My husband and i have never tried bdsm or anything but we've had some really rough sex. The sort of "pounding in every orifice, mimicking porn" kind of sex. It was for him, i never cum, I'm made very uncomfortable and sometimes physically distressed, and i always said that i needed something more for me or at least some anticipation. Anyways he sucks and doesn't listen. Flash forward to today and I'm an emotional wreck, trying not to hate him. 

I just read about something called "sub-drop" where after a hard session, the sub has a depression episode. We didn't technically have sub/dom sessions, but i think I've still experienced sub drop time and again with NO aftercare. I feel used, abused, and left to fester. I resent him so much for all the neglect and refusal to put in any effort to understand. 

I can't find any information online about how to deal with this particular problem of long-term effects of sub drop and how to reverse it. I feel like I'm festering all the time and it takes a great deal out of me to go about my daily life. 

(I paid too much money to "talk" to a therapist recently. I was interrupted constantly and he said if i just put out more, my husband would be more generous too. He didn't listen at all, not inclined to try again)

So... How to deal with/what are the long-term effects of sub-drop? I need my husband to understand how serious this is and cannot be fixed by one party alone.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Maybe it actually is sub drop. Comfort and real intimacy after sessions is very important, for a multitude of reasons. 

Or...maybe it is your natural, emotional response to your husband being an uncaring asshole. 

Do you enjoy this type of sexual interaction? It doesn't sound like it. If not, why do you allow it to continue?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe it actually is sub drop. Comfort and real intimacy after sessions is very important, for a multitude of reasons.
> 
> Or...maybe it is your natural, emotional response to your husband being an uncaring asshole.
> 
> ...


Sorry i misled, we haven't had sex like that in a long time because of that. I did enjoy it in the beginning, it was new and exciting. Then I was upset more and more frequently until now we don't have much sex at all anymore.

But the feelings linger and I'm stuck replaying things in my head. I just can't move past the whole situation. I've been trying to work past my intense hurt and resentment but i can't get him to understand that i need HIM to work on it too. We've talked about how i have built up resentment long ago, but still he is clueless on what he needs to do. What I've requested is more sensuality, and after many dead ends i requested that he get the heck on the internet and do his own research. 

We've talked extensively and periodically. I don't harp and let much time go by, making myself available and staying attractive. His inaction is breaking my heart. I made plans to leave last month, told him i had plans, and he convinced me to stay but still hasn't changed a thing. Idk what to do to motivate him. I can't shake the feeling that his absence of motivation comes from an absence of love


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Flowersandsand said:


> I can't shake the feeling that his absence of motivation comes from an absence of love


Because that is what is happening. You "made plans" but didn't leave, signaling that you will not follow through. 

I think you should leave before this gets worse. There's a word for what he's doing to you. It's not "love."


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He talked you into staying because he doesn’t want a divorce but that doesn’t mean he’s willing to fix the marriage. I suggest you leave him to his porn and move on.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

there is being clueless and then there is being pig headed....my concern is that your husband has the mind set that if he wears you down long enough you will no longer protest and just go along which is sadly is only demostrates that he is not willing to listen. My guess is that he tries to start being senual and slow but his mind set changes into roughness shortly after....tell me has he ever said your feelings are valid at all? the first step an any improvement in this relationship if validating how someone feels. I believe that right now you have little choice infront of you.....you need to put a line in the sand and if he is not willing to listen and apply your concern then you need to do what is best for you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Flowersandsand said:


> Idk what to do to motivate him.


Answer: brutal, rough, masochistic sex. That's what he wants, that's what he craves, that's what motivates him. He's a sick puppy. he doesn't want sex with you anymore because regular sex can't get him excited enough. He is what he is, and is not going to change. That's your answer. Time to toss the sick puppy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Flowersandsand said:


> My husband and i have never tried bdsm or anything but we've had some really rough sex. The sort of "pounding in every orifice, mimicking porn" kind of sex. It was for him, i never cum, I'm made very uncomfortable and sometimes physically distressed, and i always said that i needed something more for me or at least some anticipation. Anyways he sucks and doesn't listen. Flash forward to today and I'm an emotional wreck, trying not to hate him.
> 
> I just read about something called "sub-drop" where after a hard session, the sub has a depression episode. We didn't technically have sub/dom sessions, but i think I've still experienced sub drop time and again with NO aftercare. I feel used, abused, and left to fester. I resent him so much for all the neglect and refusal to put in any effort to understand.
> 
> ...


Why would you even LET him do this? Are you stuck in this marriage or something? Anyone would be depressed at being used so badly.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Flowersandsand said:


> My husband and i have never tried bdsm or anything but we've had some really rough sex. The sort of "pounding in every orifice, mimicking porn" kind of sex. It was for him, i never cum, I'm made very uncomfortable and sometimes physically distressed, and i always said that i needed something more for me or at least some anticipation. Anyways he sucks and doesn't listen. Flash forward to today and I'm an emotional wreck, trying not to hate him.
> 
> I just read about something called "sub-drop" where after a hard session, the sub has a depression episode. We didn't technically have sub/dom sessions, but i think I've still experienced sub drop time and again with NO aftercare. I feel used, abused, and left to fester. I resent him so much for all the neglect and refusal to put in any effort to understand.
> 
> ...


I havent yet read all comments. 
there Also such a thing as Dom drop. 
Could very well be your husband is having an issue reconciling his own behavior in his mind.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I misread. 
Nope. Not a bdsm relationship. 
A bdsm relationship is about both of you. 
if he is ignoring your requests and needs he’s just being an ass.


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