# All of this talk about dating......



## Paradise

So, today I'm playing with my child in a fountain in a city park near where I live and there is a nice looking lady sitting close to me. We start striking up a conversation while the kids played in the water for a while. It was nice just to sit there and chat with a member of the opposite sex and talk the afternoon away. She lives 10 hours away so I eliminated the thought of asking her out but it was still just a really good time. 

On the drive home I was thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about the last girl I dated a bit, the lady I was talking to today, the potential dates that my friends have been trying to set me up on, and yes, a little about the ex. What really struck me was how little I was actually thinking about my ex. A year ago, with the divorce still very fresh, she was the first thought of my day and just dominated my thoughts. My days were emotional roller coasters. I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it. Emotionally, I was all over the place. 

Now, I'm a bit embarrassed by how hard I took everything. I'm embarrassed that she just moved on, moved in with her new man, and is now going to be married soon and I was stuck in a rut for so long. Just kind of made me realize that she checked out 2 years ago but didn't have the balls to either fix things with us or leave. She waited around and used me until she could find something else to replace it all and then leave. 

Back to my original thoughts....I realized on the way home that I am indeed ok with myself right now. I'm ok being alone. I don't have to have someone although the adult conversation today was really nice. I find myself not looking for a relationship but at the same time noticing all of the nice ladies who are out there. It took a year but I feel like I have now gotten to the point where I am ready to start allowing myself to open up a bit to someone new and to allow another into my world. I feel like I am strong enough to accept that I may not be right for everyone, and I won't ever allow myself to be something I am not just so another person will want me. Nor do I want to pressure anyone into being something they aren't. Looking back, I think my ex became what I wanted but she could only keep it up for so long. She was scared to be on her own and after we hooked up she said all the right things and did all the right things, even though deep down I knew it was all wrong. 

Strange, but I felt like I have somewhat turned a corner. Like all of the turmoil in my life and all of the sadness and anger and depressing moments just somehow phased away over the past year without me really noticing. Somehow my life has started to take shape, although it has not been easy. New job, new home, new life. A year ago I just completely blew the old life up. Walked away. Yes, some ridiculed me for that. I lost a few friends, I walked away from a wonderful job, I buried what was left of "comfortable" at that point. Guess I just figured that if my ex wanted out and away from me so bad then I would just completely start over on my own. True, in some sense I'm sure my decision to leave everything made it harder for me in the beginning, but I am now seeing that it was most likely the best decision...Either that or I am now starting to just make the best of my decision. Don't know how that works yet. 

So, I'm sitting here now thinking that perhaps this is my time. Time for me to jump back into life with two feet. That it is time to finally disassemble the old roller coaster and enjoy the new ride that I have embarked upon and enjoy the new scenery a bit more. And, perhaps if I am lucky enough I'll find some new friends and perhaps a new lady to join in and enjoy the ride with me. 

To be continued....


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## Deejo

Self awareness is great and all ... but it doesn't really mean squat until you actually DO something with it.

The doing is when things start to change around you. Congratulations, you made it. As for the embarassing part? Don't fret that stuff. When it comes down to it, it says something GOOD about you and how you value the intimate ties that you forge. I don't look back on my marriage and feel like a sucker ... not anymore. 

It just is ... or was. We learn. We accept. We adjust. We move on.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Paradise said:


> So, I'm sitting here now thinking that perhaps this is my time. Time for me to jump back into life with two feet. That it is time to finally disassemble the old roller coaster and enjoy the new ride that I have embarked upon and enjoy the new scenery a bit more. And, perhaps if I am lucky enough I'll find some new friends and perhaps a new lady to join in and enjoy the ride with me.


Sounds good. Reminds me of something I hear watching TV with my kids: "Ferb, I know what we are going to do today..."


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## Paradise

Worked a special olympics track meet this weekend. I really think this is something that everyone should do at least once in their lives. After I got home I really didn't have any desire to go out so I just sat here last night thinking. I looked at those kids and saw so much enthusiasm for life. It was their day and they were going to enjoy it. I also got more hugs and high fives in one day than I have ever before gotten in my life. 

Dance class tomorrow night, continuing to step out of my comfort zone and get moving on with life. I'll get a bit of a break from my job in a few weeks so I'm looking forward to that. 

I'm not going to waste time in the past anymore. It is time to climb a new mountain. I've been sitting at the bottom for a year wondering which mountain to climb. Have decided it really doesn't matter which one as long as I'm moving up. 

Hope everyone had a great weekend.


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## Deejo

Was at Special Olympics on Friday for my son, with our 21st century family ... my kids, ex, and the boyfriend 

Anyone that thinks 'people suck' needs to attend one of these events. If what these kids experience, and those who volunteer and advocate for them, don't touch you ... then other people aren't the problem.


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## Paradise

Yes, Deejo, some people don't have a pulse. But, when you see all of those volunteers working these events (and it takes hundreds) then you do see some good in the world. 

We had a group of bikers who were timing at the finish line. They were awesome. The kids loved them. Wal-mart sent a group helping kids to their awards, a high school football team was there surrounding the track cheering on the athletes and working an event. A group of bankers were there as well wearing shorts, T-shirts, and ties. Funny as heck. Hard not to get choked up here and there when you see that many people putting themselves aside for an afternoon. 

This is the type of thing I should have done before my mess of a divorce instead of wallowing in my own self pity.


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## remmons

Paradise said:


> So, today I'm playing with my child in a fountain in a city park near where I live and there is a nice looking lady sitting close to me. We start striking up a conversation while the kids played in the water for a while. It was nice just to sit there and chat with a member of the opposite sex and talk the afternoon away. She lives 10 hours away so I eliminated the thought of asking her out but it was still just a really good time.
> 
> On the drive home I was thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about the last girl I dated a bit, the lady I was talking to today, the potential dates that my friends have been trying to set me up on, and yes, a little about the ex. What really struck me was how little I was actually thinking about my ex. A year ago, with the divorce still very fresh, she was the first thought of my day and just dominated my thoughts. My days were emotional roller coasters. I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it. Emotionally, I was all over the place.
> 
> Now, I'm a bit embarrassed by how hard I took everything. I'm embarrassed that she just moved on, moved in with her new man, and is now going to be married soon and I was stuck in a rut for so long. Just kind of made me realize that she checked out 2 years ago but didn't have the balls to either fix things with us or leave. She waited around and used me until she could find something else to replace it all and then leave.
> 
> Back to my original thoughts....I realized on the way home that I am indeed ok with myself right now. I'm ok being alone. I don't have to have someone although the adult conversation today was really nice. I find myself not looking for a relationship but at the same time noticing all of the nice ladies who are out there. It took a year but I feel like I have now gotten to the point where I am ready to start allowing myself to open up a bit to someone new and to allow another into my world. I feel like I am strong enough to accept that I may not be right for everyone, and I won't ever allow myself to be something I am not just so another person will want me. Nor do I want to pressure anyone into being something they aren't. Looking back, I think my ex became what I wanted but she could only keep it up for so long. She was scared to be on her own and after we hooked up she said all the right things and did all the right things, even though deep down I knew it was all wrong.
> 
> Strange, but I felt like I have somewhat turned a corner. Like all of the turmoil in my life and all of the sadness and anger and depressing moments just somehow phased away over the past year without me really noticing. Somehow my life has started to take shape, although it has not been easy. New job, new home, new life. A year ago I just completely blew the old life up. Walked away. Yes, some ridiculed me for that. I lost a few friends, I walked away from a wonderful job, I buried what was left of "comfortable" at that point. Guess I just figured that if my ex wanted out and away from me so bad then I would just completely start over on my own. True, in some sense I'm sure my decision to leave everything made it harder for me in the beginning, but I am now seeing that it was most likely the best decision...Either that or I am now starting to just make the best of my decision. Don't know how that works yet.
> 
> So, I'm sitting here now thinking that perhaps this is my time. Time for me to jump back into life with two feet. That it is time to finally disassemble the old roller coaster and enjoy the new ride that I have embarked upon and enjoy the new scenery a bit more. And, perhaps if I am lucky enough I'll find some new friends and perhaps a new lady to join in and enjoy the ride with me.
> 
> To be continued....


WOW! As I was reading your story I couldn't help but see the many similarities of what I was (and currently am) going through.


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## madaboutlove

Paradise, I love the mountain analogy, thought I was at the top for a long time, realized I'd been slipping down and now that I have been at the bottom, its time to pick myself up and start the climb all over again.


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## Paradise

madaboutlove, 

I think life is kind of like climbing a mountain. sometimes you slip a little and go backwards, sometimes you completely fall on you arse and find yourself at the bottom again. I think a lot of people (myself included over the past year) fell pretty hard and are scared to start climbing again. Kind of like my teaching my 4 year old riding a bike. Fall down, be scared, get back up, dust off, try again. 

I'll admit, over the past year I've been scared. Not really sure why. Still haven't decided why I let someone who does not want me control my choices in life. It really doesn't make any sense. In the end, the rejection and replacement really put a damper on my self-esteem and then the thought of picking myself back up and doing it all alone for the first time in years was just a difficult concept to grasp. Just could not ever figure out how someone could say they are going to love you forever pack up and move on that quickly. 

And you know what? I won't ever know....I don't think like that and I'm glad I don't. I'm not like my ex and I must be grateful for that because when I do find the lady I'm going to share my life with she will be getting me forever. Through thick and thin. 

I also know that in the ex's eyes I am completely at fault. That's finally ok with me. For so long I believed her. I know what I contributed to the problems in the marriage. But, the only way i got any closure at all was from within. I spent a long time trying to figure everything out and spent a long time chasing bunnies around in my mind. Can't pinpoint when I determined that to be futile but it just kind of phased away. No trumpets, no voice calling me at night to tell me it's time to move on....None of that. Guess I finally just got tired of searching for that answer and decided to bury it. 

Sorry for being all over the place, folks. My thoughts are racing faster than I can type. Guess that is what this site is for, eh?


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## Paradise

Slipped a bit down the mountain at the start of this weekend but quickly pulled it back together. a year ago I would be wallowing at the bottom in despair, feeling sorry for myself. This time, called a few people and found out that the other side isn't quite as peachy as I thought. 

ex is getting married soon and has forced this on all of the kids. They are acting like a big happy family. But, it's easy to act like that when the wedding is all about them. My child has mentioned a few things about the wedding but is still too young to really understand it all. Will eventually, though. I just change the subject right now and move on. 

Went to the grocery store a few days ago and saw the most amazing woman I've ever laid eyes on. She gave me a smile that just about did me in. Of course I was too chicken to strike up a conversation but at the same time it made me realize a few things. I am still not 100% healed. My self-esteem still is not all that great. 

I'm not a player and am not "smooth" by any means. But I caught myself still thinking "this woman is completely out of my league." WTH? Why? I'm decent looking, I've got a good job, why think that way about myself? What if I am exactly what she finds attractive? But, I didn't "go for it" because I was 99.9% certain that she was too good for a divorce single father. 

Just made me aware that there is still some work to be done. FOR ME! This is not about the ex, not about my child, not about anything else other than just working on "me" and becoming the best, most confident, happy, and healthy person I can.


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## Deejo

You know what?

Maybe you SHOULD be more like a player.
Part of my prescription plan for middle aged divorced dudes that fall on the 'Nice Guy' spectrum is to purchase a pickup artist, or dating book.

Not so that you can become a pickup artist. So that you can become intimately familiar with how relationship and attraction dynamics work. Would recommend the original 'Mystery Method'. I'm absolutely serious.

Had a date Saturday. Had a date Sunday. Have a date with a woman that I am VERY attracted to next weekend. Date #2.

I wouldn't call myself a player. But ... I'm now perfectly comfortable describing myself as smooth. I don't mean in a 'picking up women' way. I mean with myself ... and particularly with others be they male or female. I am very confident and comfortable interacting ... and in a nutshell ... THAT is attractive.

Dating can help you heal as long as you are grounded enough to define your purpose for dating.

If it is simply to get yourself out there, involved, and learn how to interact with people ... then I say go for it.

If it is intended as an emotional bandaid, well ... that just won't go well for anyone.

Sounds like you are on the right track. Don't worry about the slips. Don't fret about them, don't dwell on them. Acknowledge the pain or sadness, feel it, then let it go and move on.

One of the most unusual corollaries of having to go through the pain of a failed marriage, is that if you truly do invest in yourself and do the work ... the end result is that the failed relationship becomes the catalyst and engine for creating a better version of yourself.

I like who I am. I'm more in tune. I'm more effective. I carry myself differently. I dress better. All in all, I am much more aware of my life, those around me, and how their lives impact mine. People see it ... and they comment on it.

I'm not happy to be divorced. But ... had I remained in an unsatisfying and struggling marriage, I would not be the man I am now.

And if anything, I know how difficult it can be when you are suffering with betrayal, heartbreak, and hardship.


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## Paradise

Been thinking about something that is often posted on here. Most of us at some point states how we hope the karma train kicks into high gear and blows our exs off the face of the planet, or for them to finally have an awakening and see the light and realize that we were indeed the greatest thing since sliced bread. What's the point? 

I've almost reached the point of indifference. Complete and total. I think before I really didn't care what my ex did or is doing, but deep down I hoped that after a year of being divorced I would be better off than she would be. Seems kind of childish. 

Fact is, my ex is a stranger now. I have a hard time even remembering any of the specifics of my marriage.....Only thing I remember is the feeling of pain in the end. I never got any closure to that. Never got an apology. And....I never will. But, I'm ok with that. 

I am honestly to the point where, good or bad, I really don't care what happens to my ex any more than I would someone I don't know that I pass walking down the street. It's a nice place to be. Now, does this mean I want to be friends with her? Not a chance. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I'm not totally stupid. I know maintaining my distance is the best because I still know what she is like. But, at least I can say that I don't hold a bunch of resentment towards her anymore. I aided in the breakdown of our marriage. Yes, she was having an EA/PA for over a year, but you know, I can accept why she was unhappy to a certain extent. 

Big thing now is the fact that I do know and very much understand what I did to create the marriage stress and now I can act to not let that ever happen again. Will she go down the same path with Number 3 hubby that she went down with me and number 1? Who knows and who cares.


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## Paradise

Deejo said:


> You know what?
> 
> Maybe you SHOULD be more like a player.
> Part of my prescription plan for middle aged divorced dudes that fall on the 'Nice Guy' spectrum is to purchase a pickup artist, or dating book.
> 
> Not so that you can become a pickup artist. So that you can become intimately familiar with how relationship and attraction dynamics work. Would recommend the original 'Mystery Method'. I'm absolutely serious.


I read that book!!! No, I don't want to be a pickup artist but I did learn some things from reading it. 

My problem right now is that I pursue a lady and if I get a date or a 2 month mini-relationship then that is great and it pretty much stops then. The ones who turn me down or blow me off are the ladies I can't get out of my head. 

May get to psychological here (or psychotic)....but, I almost think that after being rejected by the ex for so long and trying to make it work I have become somewhat conditioned to chasing after anyone who rejects me. Then once I accomplish my mission I get bored. Not a characteristic I want to possess.


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## mr. blue

Paradise said:


> I have become somewhat conditioned to chasing after anyone who rejects me. Then once I accomplish my mission I get bored. Not a characteristic I want to possess.


Ditto. It’s human nature to chase that which retreats. 

I hate that it always goes this way, and wonder why I can’t seem to value what I have. It’s only a matter of time before I long for a new chase. :scratchhead:


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## mr. blue

I guess it just means I haven't met the right one, or am not ready to settle down again.


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## remmons

Paradise, I think that I am starting to feel the same as you towards the X. I no longer wish that she gets hit by the bus, I only want to wish her the best of luck in life.


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## Deejo

remmons said:


> Paradise, I think that I am starting to feel the same as you towards the X.* I no longer wish that she gets hit by the bus,* I only want to wish her the best of luck in life.


And that my friend, is what we call healing and growth 

Caveat* Wish yourself at least as much if not more happiness than her ...


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## nice777guy

remmons said:


> Paradise, I think that I am starting to feel the same as you towards the X. I no longer wish that she gets hit by the bus, I only want to wish her the best of luck in life.


I still have moments of both feelings.

Lately - a lot more "quality time" seeing one another due to school / kid issues.

The less I see her, the easier it is to wish her well...


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## Paradise

@ Nice.....Cannot say I am perfect in this line of thought all the time! Matter of fact, I still have many hours and days where I wish nothing more than for her and the new soon to be hubby to crash and burn. But....I don't depend on it. Will I have a chuckle if/when they face a bit of reality? Perhaps. But, isn't that inevitable? All relationships face some hard times. The difference between both of these people is that when hard times hit they tend to run in the other direction and seek something new and exciting. 

Only a small part of me would get any satisfaction out of them struggling a bit. Even saying that, I have come a long way!!! 

On another note, looks like I will be moving apartments once again. In an effort to streamline my finances a bit I am moving into a an apartment that is cheaper but larger for my child and myself. Dang, this is going to take a really long time to get out of this financial nightmare. It is hard, that's for sure. 

On another, another note.....Had a nice evening on Saturday with a girl that I dated for about 3 months. We still talk quite a bit but the mini-relationship kind of ran its course. We still got pretty tipsy and had a nice make-out session in the parking lot before we left. Kind of felt like a teen again!!! lol


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## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> @ Nice.....Cannot say I am perfect in this line of thought all the time! Matter of fact, I still have many hours and days where I wish nothing more than for her and the new soon to be hubby to crash and burn. But....I don't depend on it. Will I have a chuckle if/when they face a bit of reality? Perhaps. But, isn't that inevitable? All relationships face some hard times. The difference between both of these people is that when hard times hit they tend to run in the other direction and seek something new and exciting.
> 
> Only a small part of me would get any satisfaction out of them struggling a bit. Even saying that, I have come a long way!!!
> 
> On another note, looks like I will be moving apartments once again. In an effort to streamline my finances a bit I am moving into a an apartment that is cheaper but larger for my child and myself. Dang, this is going to take a really long time to get out of this financial nightmare. It is hard, that's for sure.
> 
> On another, another note.....Had a nice evening on Saturday with a girl that I dated for about 3 months. We still talk quite a bit but the mini-relationship kind of ran its course. We still got pretty tipsy and had a nice make-out session in the parking lot before we left. Kind of felt like a teen again!!! lol


Maybe if we spent more time making out with women, we'd probably care a lot less about what our Ex was doing...


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## Paradise

Yes, it was pretty cool. I've known this girl my entire life. We really just don't have all that much in common but yet we can talk the night away. We sat and talked from 9 til 1:30 am and it seemed like only a few minutes went by. 

I kind of feel bad because I know if i declared us a couple then she would be all in but I just cannot make myself do it. Nothing really wrong with her. I just cannot seem to pull the trigger and commit to someone. 

Starting to think I might need to take advantage of the 5 free visits to my employer's psychologist to discuss some of this. Might do me some good.


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## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> Yes, it was pretty cool. I've known this girl my entire life. We really just don't have all that much in common but yet we can talk the night away. We sat and talked from 9 til 1:30 am and it seemed like only a few minutes went by.
> 
> I kind of feel bad because I know if i declared us a couple then she would be all in but I just cannot make myself do it. Nothing really wrong with her. I just cannot seem to pull the trigger and commit to someone.
> 
> Starting to think I might need to take advantage of the 5 free visits to my employer's psychologist to discuss some of this. Might do me some good.


You aren't ready. If she understands that and still enjoys spending time and making out with you - sounds like a good situation!

Unless she's really a good true friend that you don't want to lose...

I would make an appointment - especially if they are covered by your employer. Can't really hurt anything.


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## Paradise

Darn I screwed up this weekend. Decided after all the talk on here to put my profile back up on a dating site. E-mailed a few ladies and one responded. After a couple of e-mails I went ahead and asked if she wanted to meet. Gave my number and she texted about 5 minutes later. A few rounds of texts and then she said she wanted to meet that night (this was Friday). No problem, didn't have plans as i was going to just do some cleaning and chill with a movie. Get a text later on that she couldn't make it but could tomorrow night (which is why I'm sitting at home on a saturday). Needless to say she backed out again. 

Next time I agree to meet someone it is going to be for coffee. That was my original idea but she wanted to meet later so I didn't schedule anything with friends tonight. So now I'm freaking sitting here by myself again. 

So, if anyone lives in the midwest look me up. I'm sitting here drinking a beer and playing my guitar. 

On top of this, there is a lady that I met last year and she is one of those people who will flirt, txt every so often, etc. but she's scared to death to date anyone. I like her but she won't give me the time of day. She lures me in and then vanishes. Pisses me off that I fall for it!!!! 

I guess I'm just too much of a direct communicator. If I like someone I tell them....If I don't want to date, I tell them. Wish ladies could just be that way. 

Alright, having a bad weekend here with the ladies. Think I'm going to pull my profile again and just do this the old fashioned way.


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## nice777guy

You took a chance and it didn't work out - this time. I give you credit for trying!


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## Paradise

Appreciate it niceguy. 

I think what ticks me off is that the ex just packed up, moved in with her affair partner, living the good life, getting married soon, etc, and here I am sitting at home alone on Saturday. WTH????

Plus, I get the glorious job of trying to find someone in this world who is dare I say "normal?" 

Have to admit, the "lonely" bug has kind of hit me the past couple of weeks. All of my friends are married with young kids and they are doing things with the family all the time. Good for them. That is exactly what I would like to be doing, too. Just starting to realize that it has been over a year now since my divorce, I've dated several women...Some didn't work out because I wasn't interested....Some because they weren't interested....Have had months at a time where I didn't date anyone nor had any real prospects....And now, I am back to square one. 

What a crappy weekend.


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## unsure78

paradise you didnt screw up, after being on match myself for the last month (also in the midwest) there are a lot of flaky people out there- first guy i was supposed to go out on a date with blew me off for a "fwmily emergency" and didnt reschedule. But second guy I had a nice date out with (no sparks though). I think the key to it is not taking it personally, since its only on line people are going to flake out because you havent met yet their is no investment. Dont give up so easily-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise

Unsure....I wasn't mad at anyone but myself. I know that is the way those sites work. This weekend was a bit of a combination of things and I kind of let them all get to me a bit. Nothing major. Just came on here to vent a bit. 

I left my profile up for now but it is on plentyoffish and that site is just plain weird. Match was better but I am not going to spend money on there right now. Went on OKC and there were like 2 women in my area on there. 

For some reason, however, I am missing female companionship a bit more here lately.


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## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> For some reason, however, I am missing female companionship a bit more here lately.


I know the feeling. The reason doesn't really matter - does it?


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## Paradise

@nice....No, the reason doesn't really matter. I keep thinking that I am ready for something substantial in my life but then I have a day like today with my daughter and I realize that it is going to be next to impossible for me to allow anyone into my life right now. I have my daughter close to half the time and I just refuse to give up that time and I know that for a relationship to work in the long run I have to be able to put the adult relationship first. I'm just not willing to do that to my daughter. 

Maybe I'm just not ready. I really don't know what to think about it, to be honest. 

Too much alone time right now. I'm going to drive myself crazy if I don't snap out of this! 

On another note....I am absolutely dreading the end of this week. Due to our similar professions I'm going to be at the same place as the OM and will get to spend an entire morning with him in my immediate vicinity. Not going to be fun.


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## ABeautifulDisaster

@Paradise - I think you can have both. Granted I don't know that for sure but gosh I have to believe it or I am going to be single forever...lol...But seriously eventually you have to find that person who you feel you can let into that relationship with your child. I haven't found it yet but I see it in others....The right person would fit in I think.

I could of written some of your words.....they hit home with me....I feel a lot of the same feelings....and it is so very frustrating....but seriously if you are ever feeling bad log onto PoF....You'll feel better...lol...or at least I do....gosh there is someone more screwed up than me!

Good Luck.


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## Deejo

You need to stop thinking about the word 'relationship' in terms of how you _used_ to think about it.

Just doesn't work that way any more.

I was in a great, six month relationship. If I count up the number of times we actually got together in that timeframe? It was maybe 30 at most. We probably averaged getting together 5 times per month. That included sleep-overs during the work week when she didn't have her daughter. Our kids never met while we were dating.

Time is a premium as a divorced, professional, part-time parent.

There isn't a lot of 'hanging out'. Everything is planned. I mean everything.

But ... if you want it, you make it work.


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## Paradise

Good stuff, Deejo. Amazing how life changes the way we use to think about things, doesn't it? 

I have a feeling I will continue with my 2 to 3 months on, 2 to 3 months off dating extravaganza. When my daughter gets a bit older and is able to think a little more on her own and starts to hang out with her "friends" and dad isn't as important then I will probably find the time to maybe settle down a bit. Until then, I think I just need to understand that it's ok to have some female companionship without getting serious as long as I let them know this up front. I can see how I need to change my thinking about this. Maybe become a "typical" guy? 

Part of my problem....I always wanted a family. To have a couple of little rug rats running around and to be the all-American family. That dream got shattered and I feel it completely slipping away. Hard to take.


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## sd212

Paradise said:


> Part of my problem....I always wanted a family. To have a couple of little rug rats running around and to be the all-American family. That dream got shattered and I feel it completely slipping away. Hard to take.


Man, this is the hardest part for me too. I was so enchanted with living the dream and boy did I have it all. Shattered in every sense of the word. Financially even, now I won't be able to live the "picture" I had in my head.

It doesn't matter at all though. The dream is something new now. You don't have to be a typical guy. You just have to redefine the dream. 

Hang in there!


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## Deejo

Paradise said:


> I can see how I need to change my thinking about this. Maybe become a "typical" guy?


Interesting turn of phrase. I think I know exactly what you mean, but feel compelled to ask ... can you expand on that?


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## Shooboomafoo

Typical guy? Beer swilling sit on his-ass-all-day bad boy type that gives no emotional attachment and uses women for sex. You know, the kind women fall all over themselves for, and forsake and betray the honorable ones for.
Hell, my ex apparently has "never been happier in her life"....
fking loser.. geezus.


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## MyselfAgain

This definition makes me so sad. I can not wait to find a man who is marriage and family minded. I keep finding nothing but selfish, immature boys...where are the real men????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo

MyselfAgain said:


> This definition makes me so sad. I can not wait to find a man who is marriage and family minded. I keep finding nothing but selfish, immature boys...where are the real men????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Still married and getting sexually rejected by their wives ... but give it time. They'll be available soon enough


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## nice777guy

MyselfAgain said:


> This definition makes me so sad. I can not wait to find a man who is marriage and family minded. I keep finding nothing but selfish, immature boys...where are the real men????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm family minded - but my focus is on my two daughters. I also work long hours, so my free time lately has been very limited.

I'm sure as hell not "marriage minded"!!! At least not after the last several years!!! But that doesn't mean I don't believe in monogamy and faithfulness - even outside of marriage.

Just sayin!


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## notreadytoquit

I also want to know where those family minded men are, you know the faithful kind.


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## nice777guy

notreadytoquit said:


> I also want to know where those family minded men are, you know the faithful kind.


Did you miss my answer?!?

We're too busy being great parents and taking care of our responsibilities to be out looking for dates.


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## Paradise

Deejo said:


> Interesting turn of phrase. I think I know exactly what you mean, but feel compelled to ask ... can you expand on that?


Deejo, I've been thinking about this for 2 days now and I'm still not 100% sure how to state it. I think I am going into each situation with women specifically looking for something to develop like a long term relationship. I still find myself looking for women slightly younger than myself and deep down I think I still have this agenda of this "happy family" in my head. Lot of pressure to put on someone, eh? LOL...

Guess when I state a "typical guy" it is not quite what Shoo's definition of this is above, but partially. Guess it means not putting all of my eggs in one basket right off the bat. Not worrying so much about finding "the one" and instead enjoy dating several until I find someone who is compatible. 

Sometimes I do wish I was like Shoo's version of a "typical guy." I've passed up on opportunities to have sex with women because deep down I knew it wasn't going to work out and I just wanted sex. I didn't want to be like the "typical guy" and just use them and leave a week or two later.


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## Paradise

nice777guy said:


> Did you miss my answer?!?
> 
> We're too busy being great parents and taking care of our responsibilities to be out looking for dates.


Yes, we are trying our best to do that part, Nice....But...Doesn't keep me from looking! :smthumbup:

Just wish my fragile ego would allow me to "act" a little more often rather than just look.


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## ABeautifulDisaster

I think what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.


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## Paradise

ABeautifulDisaster said:


> I think what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.


Honestly, I'm not sure what the point is in marriage anymore. It's basically like graduation from dating. I think my idea of marriage was "through thick and thin, til death" and all of that crap. Not sure I believe in that anymore. Especially since we live in this current "what have you done for me lately" society. 

Had an awkward moment today. Was chatting with a gal online for a bit but she is a 31 yr old lady who has never had a relationship longer than a few months. Really hard to read her. Anyway, she was the one last weekend who suggested getting together Friday and Saturday nights and then stood me up on both of them. Then, there's another lady that works near where I work. I noticed her a couple of months ago and she is very attractive. I have a buddy who's dad is a manager there and asked him about her but never followed through with it. 

Make a long story short, I'm shopping with my daughter this morning and I see this lady. Guess she stood and looked at me in just the right way because I suddenly realized it was the same person. She doesn't look anything like her online pics. I talked to her for a second and she put two and two together as well. At least I tried but I could tell she wasn't interested. 

Oh well....But, my ego is definitely being deflated almost on a daily basis. I seriously don't get it.


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## nice777guy

But I read that and wonder why a woman her age has never had a serious relationship...

A woman I was chatting with a few months ago had the same kind of history - and I found out it was for good reason!!!


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## Paradise

I kind of wondered that as well, to be honest. Girls that beautiful usually have them lined up and maybe she does. Who knows what the truth really is.


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## COguy

MyselfAgain said:


> This definition makes me so sad. I can not wait to find a man who is marriage and family minded. I keep finding nothing but selfish, immature boys...where are the real men????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We married who we thought were real women, now we're bitter and jaded


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## Paradise

I was a little "off" with my daughter this past weekend. She was in her own little world most of the time and whiny the rest. I think I need to find a good parenting book for single fathers. Very hard only seeing her half the time. 

I have to admit, I'm putting too much pressure on myself trying to find the right person to be in my life. I need to shift my mind-set to friends first and then see what develops from that. Perhaps I am appearing as somewhat desperate? Maybe I come on too strong and scare them away? Not sure. Honestly, I am not desperate and I don't intend on coming on too strong. I don't need a relationship with anyone. 

Anyway....Just thinking out loud. Wish I was better at this dating game.


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## Deejo

"Don't focus on finding the right person. Focus on _being_ the right person, and they will find you ..."

Don't know where that quote is from but I've always liked it.

Said another way. Don't focus on who you want to meet. Focus on who you want to be.


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## Paradise

Well, I've had a couple of weeks to relax a bit and think but I've caught myself getting into bad habits again over-thinking life. I've come to a couple of conclusions, though....

First, right now I really don't have any friends and haven't for several years. I'm afraid if I get involved with someone again then I'll go back into co-dependent mode. That isn't cool. Of course, I do have my daughter who would prevent a lot of that from happening. All of my old buddies from college live far away and have families of their own. Trying to get in touch with them is difficult. The friends I developed over the last 12 yrs have kind of ignored me after I left my last job. Of course, I had a major part in that since I trigger almost every time I go back to that town. It was the exW home town and a small town at that, so everyone knows what happened. 

Second, the financial aspect of this new life is brutal. It is going to take years for me to feel really comfortable doing much of anything. I feel like I am boring as hell. 

Have to admit, I am bored to tears right now. Kind of lonely and to be honest, not sure what the he!! to do with my spare time and my life. I find myself sitting around wasting a bunch of time each day when I should be kicking a$$ and getting out there doing something. I've checked out meet-up.com but most of the groups I would be interested in do things on nights when I have my kiddo and that is just out of the question. 

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself right now. Have been for a couple of weeks, now. Been working out like crazy and dropped a few lbs but I still look old when I look in the mirror. Dating sites have not helped at all. Been back on POF for a month and the only e-mails I get are from some whack jobs that are extremely overweight and appear drugged out of their minds. I've even e-mailed women who I would never date and don't get any responses. Starting to think perhaps I am just butt ugly and got lucky with my supermodel exW for a few years. 

Not sure what I am getting at with this thread but I need to get up off of this computer and start living life again. I started my journey a few months ago and was doing pretty good but kind of slid into a funk. 

Oh, and been having dreams of the ex the past few weeks as well. Haven't had any for a long time but now all of the sudden. They all are of her and her family and following her fiance leaving her. Most of the conversation in the dreams occur between her family and I but she is there. I think since she's getting married next week to the OM that I am starting to have these dreams of them breaking up. Not sure but they are driving me nuts.


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## sd212

@Paradise: This is a really tough post to read man. I'm so sorry that you're feeling all of these horrible things. I really think that the end of you post explained alot of it though, her getting married to OM next week and all.

No matter how you think that makes you feel, it is bound to hurt somewhere inside. 

I just really don't know what to say other than I'm sorry you're feeling all of this. I can honestly say that I felt the same until all of the sudden one day I was better. I wish I knew the formula but it just happened. It sounds like not having the social aspect of your life is the most lacking. I was in the same boat and really had to force myself to get out there. I hung out w/ some folks that I really didn't even want to hang out with but once I tried it out, it was fun.

Forcing myself to hang w/ those people got me through things and actually developed a couple of really great friendships. 

Sorry man, this sucks. It WILL get better.


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## Deejo

Endure.

Nothing wrong with feeling sad, lonely, bored. It's all part of the arc that you must go through.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> Endure.
> 
> Nothing wrong with feeling sad, lonely, bored. It's all part of the arc that you must go through.


Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.


----------



## Shoeguy

Paradise,
I've been thinking about obtaining a part-time job to help with the financial aspect. Maybe that is an avenue you could look into as well. It gets you out of the house interacting with new folks and puts some coin in your pocket.


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## Paradise

Shoeguy said:


> Paradise,
> I've been thinking about obtaining a part-time job to help with the financial aspect. Maybe that is an avenue you could look into as well. It gets you out of the house interacting with new folks and puts some coin in your pocket.


Yes, I've been working for my parents on some days when I don't have my daughter. I started picking that up a little more here lately. Gives me something to do, earning a few extra dollars, and I feel good because my parents need the help. Plus, it is manual labor and I like that during the summer. 

I know a lot of what I am feeling is due to the wedding. A lot of old feelings coming up. I think I am forgetting what the marriage to her was actually like and dreaming up something that never actually was. Big reason is because I am lonely right now. I am just missing the idea of family. I'm missing what I wanted, not necessarily what I had. I've negotiated the grieving process of my marriage. None of that really bothers me anymore. I know for a fact I DO NOT want my ex back. However, the one area that I have to work on is my desire to see them fail. Like it would make everything ok for me if they have their problems and their marriage dissolves just like mine did and just like her first marriage did. I want so badly to be able to say "see, the karma bus ran over your ass didn't it?" But......I know this is ridiculously shallow and is a sign that I have not moved on completely. 

Really, this is my one sticking point. Anyone have any answers to this? Every part of me knows what it is and yet I cannot seem to let that part go. 

Oh, one more thing....Seems like the past year and a half just flew by but I was running on adrenaline most of the time. Between the emotional fall-out and the financial ruin and moving 5 times (will be 6 in 2 weeks) plus a new job, new town, new everything, I was just moving and reacting. Now, well, I have a lot of time to sit and think and there is no adrenaline rush. Now I'm bored. Now I don't know which way to go and I'm scared to death to make a mistake. 

Shoe, shoo, nice, deejo....I know you guys have all been here to a certain extent. Any ideas on how to move forward from here? Not like I'm sitting around wallowing in pity (even though a few of my recent posts do suggest that). I'm actually thinking quite clearly at the moment but fill stuck.


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## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> Yes, I've been working for my parents on some days when I don't have my daughter. I started picking that up a little more here lately. Gives me something to do, earning a few extra dollars, and I feel good because my parents need the help. Plus, it is manual labor and I like that during the summer.
> 
> I know a lot of what I am feeling is due to the wedding. A lot of old feelings coming up. I think I am forgetting what the marriage to her was actually like and dreaming up something that never actually was. Big reason is because I am lonely right now. I am just missing the idea of family. I'm missing what I wanted, not necessarily what I had. I've negotiated the grieving process of my marriage. None of that really bothers me anymore. I know for a fact I DO NOT want my ex back. However, the one area that I have to work on is my desire to see them fail. Like it would make everything ok for me if they have their problems and their marriage dissolves just like mine did and just like her first marriage did. I want so badly to be able to say "see, the karma bus ran over your ass didn't it?" But......I know this is ridiculously shallow and is a sign that I have not moved on completely.
> 
> Really, this is my one sticking point. Anyone have any answers to this? Every part of me knows what it is and yet I cannot seem to let that part go.
> 
> Oh, one more thing....Seems like the past year and a half just flew by but I was running on adrenaline most of the time. Between the emotional fall-out and the financial ruin and moving 5 times (will be 6 in 2 weeks) plus a new job, new town, new everything, I was just moving and reacting. Now, well, I have a lot of time to sit and think and there is no adrenaline rush. Now I'm bored. Now I don't know which way to go and I'm scared to death to make a mistake.
> 
> Shoe, shoo, nice, deejo....I know you guys have all been here to a certain extent. Any ideas on how to move forward from here? Not like I'm sitting around wallowing in pity (even though a few of my recent posts do suggest that). I'm actually thinking quite clearly at the moment but fill stuck.


You and I are in about the same place. No words of wisdom - although it may be of small comfort to know you aren't the only one who feels this way...


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## Paradise

nice777guy said:


> You and I are in about the same place. No words of wisdom - although it may be of small comfort to know you aren't the only one who feels this way...


Ha....Well, I appreciate that! Really don't wish this on anyone else, though!!! 

Yes, I know us guys are kind of in this place. I think this is the place where a lot of guys jump into a relationship really quickly following their divorce just to fill the void. I'm not like that. I'm too picky with whom I spend my time with, regarding the female species. I've had opportunities to go ahead and have relationships but I am gun-shy. Kind of funny because I'm lonely and I want someone in my life but I don't want this person or this person or....etc....


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## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> Ha....Well, I appreciate that! Really don't wish this on anyone else, though!!!
> 
> Yes, I know us guys are kind of in this place. I think this is the place where a lot of guys jump into a relationship really quickly following their divorce just to fill the void. I'm not like that. I'm too picky with whom I spend my time with, regarding the female species. I've had opportunities to go ahead and have relationships but I am gun-shy. Kind of funny because I'm lonely and I want someone in my life but I don't want this person or this person or....etc....


Again - right there with you. But I think it's a good time to be picky.

Would rather be alone than to be using someone to temporarily plug a hole.


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## Shoeguy

Paradise,

I would love to be able let you know how to defeat those feeling because that would mean I had solved the riddle.

I think keeping busy is the key but I'm finding out that I'm getting worn out. sounds like you are right there with me. I beleive it is true that all four or five of us are all on the same path about the same time. I moved out Feb 11 and divorced Apr 11.

I find that I need to stay off the couch. I planted my a$$ on that for basically six months and never made any progress on getting whole. I now spend more time outside the house. I golf more or go talk with my family and I have also started dating.

Dating is a slippery slope. I have met someone and now dated for about 7 months. What I struggle with weekly about is I'm not sure where the relationship is headed and I don't want to hurt/use someone to fill a void like Nice mentioned. The way I've come to terms is I've been open with her about my feelings and thoughts. I've told her I'm trying to solve tons of things because my life was completely flipped upside down last year and my girls come first. She understands and realizes I need my space. We talk daily and see each other around once or twice a week. But a version of that I'm thinking and feeling seems to come up every month or so. Which i'm fine in telling and explaining. She seems to appreciate that.

I wish you well and look forward to hearing about your progress if you care to tell it.

Shoeguy


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## Paradise

@ Shoe, 

I've gotten into a bad habit of sitting at home by myself and being in front of the computer. Keep telling myself to get my rear up and get moving. Yes, this is my first habit I need to break. 

Using my free counseling visits starting this Thursday. I've already thought a little about what I am going there for. I'm hoping it turns more into how to move forward rather than looking at the past. I'm ready to move forward. Just not sure how to do that at the moment. 

ANother thing I might need to do is get to the doctor and get some sleeping pills. I've always had a hard time sleeping but lately it has become even worst. 

Time to get up off this chair and off of this computer. Gonna try to move forward today.


----------



## Paradise

What a whirlwind of a few days. Went to my first counseling session on Thursday and I broke down and cried for the first time in over a year and a half. I started talking and the next thing I knew the hour was up. Obviously, I haven't had anyone in my life that I could just open up to and allow me to talk about what I feel. It is definitely true that men do not have the support network and are taught at an early age to suppress their feelings. I needed that session. Now, will think more about moving forward in the next session. 

Friday was the day my ex got married, a year and 2 months after our divorce. Of course, she has been seeing the other dude for over 2 yrs. I really think they will make it. They are identical people. I just have to make it to the point where that is ok. That's what I'm striving for. Complete indifference. Not like I want that crazy chick back anyway. My life has so much less drama with her not being here every day. 

Went to my folks to do manual labor on the farm all day Friday. Got in my truck early evening to drive home and picked up my phone for the first time all day. Had a text from the OM's exwife. She wanted to grab a beer. We txt every now and then to check up on each other but I had not seen her in more than a year when we met to exchange evidence of the affair right before the divorce was final. 

Ended up having a few drinks and the conversation lasted over 3 hours. The first hour was devoted to sharing some war stories about the ex spouses. I could finish her sentences and vice versa. It was creepy to a point. But, the last 2 hours of the conversation had nothing to do with the OM or my exwife. We were just two people who are at the same point in life and trying to move forward. Creepy again how similar of a place her and I are in regarding thinking about the future, etc. It was nice to just talk to someone else who went through the same thing as myself and was still seeking personal answers about the future. 

Now, I have my daughter for the next week. We already went swimming and I'm looking forward to spending some time with her. 

I haven't been home more than just to sleep and shower over the last 3 days. This is something I will have to continue doing. I cannot allow myself to sit here alone anymore. 

Anyway, just an update. 

Hope all is well everyone......

Paradise


----------



## MyselfAgain

I'm really glad you are doing well and beginning to really open up. The more you learn to express your feelings and self-reflect, the easier it will become. Good luck with this new chapter!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shoeguy

Paradise,

Sounds like anohter chapter has been closed in your relationship with your ex. Part of me wishes my ex would marry so I could make sure the nails are secure on the door we shut when we divorced.

Sounds like you are making it and I'm in your same type of boat. I try to keep busy myself. I was only home for a few hours on Saturday after a whirlwind of activities (mainly golf) this past weekend starting Early Friday monring. Heck I didn't even sleep in my house on Saturday night. 

Take care and I hope you have a gerat time with your daughter.

Shoeguy


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## proudwidaddy

Paradise you are doing a great job with your progress, keep it up


----------



## Paradise

It was hard but I asked my 4 yr old if she enjoyed the wedding. We talked about it for a while. I actually found it amusing how they wanted this "traditional" wedding and spent a ton of money on it and the honeymoon after both of them have now broken up two families with their infidelity. She deserves to wed in a church in a white dress! lol

Also found out that they didn't get the house that they wanted and it was a nice dang home. I don't get how they could even think about affording it? My ex is now doing the exact same thing for a 3rd time. I would love to call him an idiot but then I have to remember that I agreed to the same thing 4 years ago as I wanted to make her happy. Now that my ex has this in her head there is no stopping it. They will own a big home before Christmas. 

Only bad thing is when they do crash and burn financially she will come after me for money. I've got to do a better job documenting things now because it is going to get silly here in a year or two. 

Also asked the other ex wife last weekend when we met if my ex ever speaks to her when they pick up his daughter. She said that my ex sometimes sits in the car and will not even waive and will not acknowledge her presence. I didn't think she would like being a step-mom and not being in control. But, they only see his daughter every other weekend. This dude left his wife (who is pretty darn good looking and sweet as can be) for my ex who has been married twice and has children from both marriages. Good choice, brother! haha. 

I find it awesome that I am able to laugh a little about this stuff now. Before it really bothered me but his ex helped me to remember the bad things. I kind of got back into the blaming myself mode and remembering all of the dumba$$ things I did and said. But, it is ok to remember the things I did to contribute to the downfall of the marriage but I cannot dwell on them anymore. I must just use them to remind me never to do it again. To learn from my mistakes. 

On another note. I am having one heck of a time going anywhere and handling all of the beautiful women I see. Summer makes it worst because the skin is showing and they are tan and, well, you get the point. I want to have someone. I miss the physical touch. I miss having someone to come home to. I have a date next weekend with a new gal and I'm ready to just relax and talk. I already know this is not someone who I would date but it won't hurt to make a new friend and it also gives me a chance to get out of the house again. 

My daughter and I are having a ball this week. Just wish it wasn't so damn hot outside. 

Best 5 day stretch I've had since the divorce. Had a few grenades thrown at me from other aspects of my life but I was able to think it through and brush them aside pretty quickly. Victory is going to be mine. 

The quest for my personal paradise continues.


----------



## Catherine602

Paradise don't become emotionally involved with the first or even the 5th woman you meet. Plan to date at lest 10 or so women before you begin to look for someone you would like a serious relationship. 

There are plenty of eligible woman who are not put off by a divorced man with a child or even 3. I think you are ready to Take the plunge now but don't let youself esteem sink or swim on the basis of success or failure. That has to come from the core of your being. . Do you have male friends? If not, cultivate some, maybe from a group in a shared activity. 

That is important when you are in a relationship. It keeps you from becoming emotionally isolated and depending on your partner to meet all of your emotional needs. You also don't stay in a relationship that is bad but you are reluctant to leave because the partner is your only emotional support. The best of luck on your new exciting journey!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Paradise

@ Catherine...

You make great points here and I am well aware of this. I have already dated and even had a few mini-relationships. First one would definitely meet the criteria you stated above! The second one was fine but we were just not right for each other. If I was just wanting a relationship just to have one then I could have with that lady. 

There have been others who I was interested in but the interest was not reciprocated. At first I did take this hard as my self-esteem was at an all-time low, but it is coming back....Slowly, but I can see and feel it. 

As for the "male friends" issue...Well, all of my "friends" are married with kids so I really don't have close male friends. That was one of my issues in my marriage and I do agree I need to spend some time cultivating those friendships. Most of my male friends I did have were at my old town and old job and I really don't think they knew what to say to me during and after the divorce. I can't blame them. I wouldn't have known what to say to someone either if I didn't go through it.


----------



## Mamatomany

Paradise said:


> Honestly, I'm not sure what the point is in marriage anymore. It's basically like graduation from dating. I think my idea of marriage was "through thick and thin, til death" and all of that crap. Not sure I believe in that anymore. Especially since we live in this current "what have you done for me lately" society.


I am just reading through this thread and thought I'd jump in (because that's what I do ) 
You aren't the first person to ask this. My divorce will be final in a month (fingers crossed) and my mom has told me not to get married again, just live with them. She said since we weren't going to have babies why worry!!? This is my 66 yr old mother who was pro-marriage but has seen so many marriages that are in middle aged and w/ kids already in the mix. 
My personal thought which someone I fall for may be able to change my mind but for now:
I like marriage. I think it's too easy to leave if it's just a 'live in' situation. But I love living w/ someone. Cooking for them. Waking up w/ them. Sex anytime of the day. Touching as we walk past each other. Chatting. Just being able to gaze at them... I love living w/ someone that I can adore 24/7. But to have absolutely no commitment from them makes it hard for me. I may feel like someone is just using the other. Does that make sense?


----------



## Mamatomany

Shoeguy said:


> Paradise,
> 
> Dating is a slippery slope. I have met someone and now dated for about 7 months. What I struggle with weekly about is I'm not sure where the relationship is headed and I don't want to hurt/use someone to fill a void like Nice mentioned. The way I've come to terms is I've been open with her about my feelings and thoughts. I've told her I'm trying to solve tons of things because my life was completely flipped upside down last year and my girls come first. She understands and realizes I need my space. We talk daily and see each other around once or twice a week. But a version of that I'm thinking and feeling seems to come up every month or so. Which i'm fine in telling and explaining. She seems to appreciate that.
> 
> I wish you well and look forward to hearing about your progress if you care to tell it.
> 
> Shoeguy


Women may not like what you have to say in the beginning of your honesty ... but it will be liked and respected. Trust me on this. I had dated a guy for 4 wks and he was going back and forth on the fact he didn't want little ppl in a relationship. He was honest w/ me about why we couldn't ever be more than FWB if that's what I wanted. I respect him. I know if I ever need a FWB he's there, but I also know to move on. Honesty is good.


----------



## Paradise

Moved into my two bedroom apartment this weekend! My daughter now has a room for herself and the extra work on my parents farm over the summer allowed me to buy some furniture for her room. Found an entire set on craigslist. That place is becoming my new best friend! I like it so far but I still miss owning my home. 

I remember when the ex and I started building our house and I wanted to find an old home to remodel and fix up. She wanted to build a new home. Looking back that house really put a damper on our relationship. It never did feel like a home. The day I'm done paying for the debt on that place will be one of the happiest days of my life! I'm going to do it my way next time but I will never again allow a home to own me. 

I was wondering if I was going to have any backslides due to my ex getting married but amazingly I have felt nothing. Matter of fact, I have not thought about it at all. It's been long enough and I've let go of what "we" had so it really does not matter. My entire focus is and has been on the future. It's really too bad, though, how long it takes financially to move forward following a divorce. I know several on here are in the same situation but it's hard writing those checks every month paying for something that I never wanted in the first place. I realize in the long run financially I'll be a lot better off than I would have been if we had stayed together but it is still going to take a few years to get on solid ground. I'm still not very patient with regard to my financial issues. So many things I want to do and have and places I want to go but I continue to put them on stand-by. Sometimes I wonder, is this all that life has to offer? Guess it is all part of this wonderful learning experience I have the joy of partaking in. 

There are only 2 things I am still bitter about. One is the financial aspect. My ex was able to move on with someone else and compile finances with her new hubby so they are living the good life. Vacations, new home in the works, etc. I still don't know how they are doing it. The other thing is my daughter. I still feel sad for her but she is doing well. I'm proud of myself that I've been a steady influence and role model for her since the divorce. I have been able to give her my undivided attention when I have her and I just have to believe that in the long run it will pay off. 

Not really much to add or much to say. My life has been, well, dare I say steady for the first time in over a year. I feel a strange sense of peace and even though I have a long way to go I look back on my life a year ago and there is absolutely no comparison. 

Still missing having "someone" in my life, but I have accepted that it will happen when it is suppose to happen. I don't understand the purpose or the reason why the last year plus of my life has gone the way it has but I have accepted it and am ok with it for now. Guess I'm sort of in the midst of a calm spell in my life right now. I know one thing is certain and that is I am ok being alone. I do not need someone but would love to find the one that enhances my life. It's nice to reach that point. 

Paradise


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## heartsbeating

Congrats on getting your own place. Well done on being a good father to your daughter. And mostly, good for you for getting to where you're at emotionally. 

Calm and steady is good.


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## Shooboomafoo

YES!! congratulations Paradise!
So nice to have a place of your own, so nice to be your own man. That peaceful place.

I still cave occasionally to the sense of disappointment in the past year or two of my life. NEVER wouldve thought this was where I would be, and its a real shocker. I think still, part of me is coping with the complete tilling of the field..
But you nailed it right there, that whole concept of taking it easy. I miss the touch of a woman too, and havent gone out looking or dating or talking to women at all. Ive just been keeping out of the game for a little while. This heart is guarded for awhile. 
I got a call from an old buddy of mine who needs a singer, and the thought really stuck with me. Ive sang in bands for fourteen years until the last three years Ive shunned the whole scene.
Maybe I'll load up the JBL's and head over there..


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## Shoeguy

Good for you Paradise. I enjoy reading good posts about progress people make. It makes it a little easier for me I think. (Sorry selfish I know). Kicka$$ on the progress to give you daughter her own space while in your home.

Mamatomany,
thanks for the words of support. I just can't seem to get my finger on the issue. Maybe I will never figure it out. I know I enjoy spending time with this woman and we talk all the time so those are positives. I need to figure out how to focus on those facts and enjoy the now but I struggle hoping I'm not stringing her along in some way.

Shoeguy


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## Paradise

Hello all. Sorry this turned out to be very long. I'm writing a lot here trying to make sense of some things so don't feel bad if you skip this post. 

Well, my summer is almost over. I have managed to waste a lot of days on this computer and not really living and I'm realizing that it is about time for me to quit playing on the internet and get back into the swing of things. There's always a list of things to do a mile long and to be honest I have kind of wasted away time. It has not been a total waste. I have spent lots of really quality time with my daughter and we have made some awesome memories. 

Was talking to my "girl friend" about a week ago and after I had made a few comments about things regarding my kid, my ex, my possible future, etc she asked me if I was ever going to be divorced. In addition to a few other things she said to me this comment really resonated. She woke me up. 

So, after spending a week or so in my cocoon and a weekend at the book store reading and thinking I have come to a few conclusions. 

First and most important, I am scared to death....Of EVERYTHING. I am scared to let anyone get close to me. I am scared of my job that I started last year. I am intimidated by those I work with. I am scared to talk to women for fear of rejection and if I do somehow attract them I get scared of letting them get close so I push them away. I'm scared if I'm not a perfect father then my daughter will get taken away from me. I'm scared what the ex is going to try to do at the end of this year when my daughter will begin school. I'm scared because I left a job where I was kind of "the man" and now I'm treated like absolute crap. I'm scared of waking up a year from now and feeling exactly the way I am feeling right now. 

I could go on. I realize that I have been hiding it to everyone but I have so much anxiety every night before bed that I can hardly ever sleep. I fear the following day. I dread it. And I am miserable. I put on a good face each day and act like I'm doing great and am happy but inside I am torn apart with fear. Funny thing is, I've always been a nice, respectful person, and my self esteem and confidence use to be very high. Now, I'm scared of everything. Anxiety consumes me right now. My diet, health, self esteem, etc. All of it is in the sh!tter right now. Why do I allow people to have so much control over me now? I was never this way before. This is beyond the ex. It has now permeated my entire life. 

I know the rollercoaster of emotions that I go through is due to the fact that I don't have high self-esteem right now. I'm not sure how it happened. Did I allow my ex to completely strip that away from me? Was my pride damaged so much I'm still licking my wounds? How did I become such a pu$$y? I'm allowing people to bully me now when in the past I would have told them to F-off and not have wasted another moment thinking about them. 

I have taken my profiles down off of the dating sites I was on. Waste of time right now. I'm searching for something that I'm not going to find there. I'm attracting people who are like me right now and I don't want them. It's time I quit trying to make it happen and figure out who I am and where I am going before I allow anyone else into my life. Fact is, I am not ready for a relationship. Hell, I've dated enough. I don't really like it. Other than desiring a female's touch i really don't have any room for one in my life yet. And yes....I'm scared that I'm going to be alone forever....But, do I really want to put someone through the fire with me as I try to heal from this mess? 

I'm actually glad that I have woken up and seen some things that I am allowing to happen. The fear, the anxiety, the self-esteem issues. These are all on me and I recognize them. I accept it. But....it is going to take a hell of a lot of work to overcome this and I'm "afraid" I might not be able to do it. Yes, afraid.....

Not sure how much longer I'm going to be on here. I feel like I need to take a break from this site. I really feel I am at this sort of cross-roads in life and this is a significant moment. Like I can continue doing what I am doing and live an ok life and suppress all of my fears like I've been doing and continue to hide when it gets too scary or I can choose another route and see where it takes me and embrace my fears and challenge them. 

I have no answers. I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea where life is leading me. I just feel like I'm at this major point where I need to make a huge decision that may affect the path of the rest of my life. 

I fear not living life to its fullest. I fear going through the rest of my days just allowing things to happen to me. I'm tired of reacting to everyone else. I'm tired of not understanding my purpose and not having confidence in myself to go out each day and kick a$$. 

Wish me luck on this next phase. I really do feel like this is a major turning point for me. 

Paradise....


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## Shoeguy

Paradise,

Good luck. Turn that fear into motivation. Accomplish some things on your bucket list and establish some routines. Who knows where it will take you.

We seem to have things in common. Your words and insight has helped me when trying to figure out the next step or just vent frustration.

I may or not be here when you come back. I enjoy the site but have decided not to put to much energy into trying to see the future.

Take care,

Shoeguy


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## OhhShiney

Paradise said:


> She lives 10 hours away so I eliminated the thought of asking her out but it was still just a really good time.


From the rest of your note, it sounds like you may have reached a point where you are ready to take some steps.

I will warn you, distance doesn't guarantee an emotional safety buffer 

I met my wife on a social networking site not long after my marriage was over. The fact that she was a 4 hour drive away made us feel certain there was no danger that we'd fall in love. We felt safe and opened up our hearts to each other.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

OhhShiney said:


> From the rest of your note, it sounds like you may have reached a point where you are ready to take some steps.
> 
> I will warn you, distance doesn't guarantee an emotional safety buffer
> 
> I met my wife on a social networking site not long after my marriage was over. The fact that she was a 4 hour drive away made us feel certain there was no danger that we'd fall in love. We felt safe and opened up our hearts to each other.


9000 miles doesnt necessarily work either. :/


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## COguy

I love it man, get out there and grab life by the balls! 

Everyone has fears. Recognizing them is the first step. Confronting them is what makes us men.


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## frigginlost

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> 9000 miles doesnt necessarily work either. :/


I dig that! 

I'd drive, swim, fly, or crawl to the ends of the earth to see someone I really liked.

Sometimes there are no bounds....


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