# Loveless marriage - need a perspective



## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

Hi!

I didn't knew such a platform existed where I could share my situation and seek advice.

Ours is a weird situation. We have been married for over 10 years now. We both are close to 40 yrs. It was kind of an arranged marriage where we chatted for around a year before deciding to get married. My husband has few health issues. Nothing major but food intolerance which affects his mood and energy. I knew about his condition before we got married. The problem is, he is not interested in me in any which way. Either emotionally, romantically or physically. He just keeps to himself. In the early years I though he was just shy and might take time to open up. But years passed by, yet nothing changed. We used to be intimate in the first couple of years of our marriage, but that too seemed like a chore from his side. Later even that fizzled out. Now we are in a situation where he doesn't even kiss or hug or even hold my hand. Our daily conversations are nothing but about domestic things. Even if I try to start a conversation, it usually ends in a minute or two with no participation or interest from his side. He lets me hug him, or hold his hand, but just waits till I let him go. It really hurts. He is a nice guy. There is nothing that I don't like about him. But sometimes I wonder, why are we even together? We both are decently good looking and doing reasonably well professionally. But his ignorance is killing me one day at a time. Before you ask, he is not having an affair. Trust me, I would have known if he did.

Long story short I have been friend zoned by my own husband. Or maybe not even that. I don't think he loves me. I am just a responsibility. If you ask me whether I love him, the answer is I do. And I want to make this marriage work. But I don't know where to start. I know I need to talk to him and ask why is he so indifferent, but I don't have the courage. Not only that it will be awkward, but I am also not sure what kind of answer am I expecting from him. I am losing my peace in all of this. Everyone else, including our parents think we are made for each other having the time of our lives with no kids to take care of and nothing to bother about. But they have no idea how far they are from the truth.

I would like to have a third person's perspective. It is difficult talking about it to anyone in family or friends.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is a tough one.......need to think........


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

You really just need to talk to him. If you don't have open communication you don't have a marriage. He's the only one who can give you answers.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Is he on any medication that can be interfering---he sounds dysphoric (NOT related to gender). Y'all are now roommates, not a marriage--do you want to spend your life like this?

I'd suggest that he have a medical check up addressing this and then try MC before considering other more extreme options. Do you want a family as your clock is ticking?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

PrincessDiaries said:


> The problem is, he is not interested in me in any which way. Either emotionally, romantically or physically. He just keeps to himself. In the early years I though he was just shy and might take time to open up. But years passed by, yet nothing changed. We used to be intimate in the first couple of years of our marriage, but that too seemed like a chore from his side. Later even that fizzled out. Now we are in a situation where he doesn't even kiss or hug or even hold my hand. Our daily conversations are nothing but about domestic things.
> 
> Long story short I have been friend zoned by my own husband. Or maybe not even that. I don't think he loves me. I am just a responsibility.


It sounds like he hasn't been interested in you at all for several years (at least!). Having conversations that are superficial at best indicates to me that he isn't emotionally invested at all in the marriage. You can't make him change, only he can do that. And from what you've reported, he's just fine with the status quo.

What do you love about a man who doesn't appear to want you and has no interest in you as a person?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You need to first communicate and ask him. Tell him how unhappy you are and ask him why he is like that. Marriage counselling may help.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Is arranged marriage part of your culture? If so, some of the advice here might not be applicable since it will be based more around Western marriages. What would commonly be done in your culture in a case like this? Can you talk to your mother or other wives you are friends with to get their perspective on it?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

PrincessDiaries said:


> I know I need to talk to him and ask why is he so indifferent, but I don't have the courage. Not only that it will be awkward, but I am also not sure what kind of answer am I expecting from him. I am losing my peace in all of this.


Your marriage is between you and your husband. What others believe about you is not relevant.

The starting point is you telling him how you feel. Can you start by copying off what you wrote here and letting him read it?


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> You really just need to talk to him. If you don't have open communication you don't have a marriage. He's the only one who can give you answers.


"If you don't have open communication you don't have a marriage" that pretty much summarizes my current state. We both are struggling with the communication. Me more than him, apparently. But I guess I need to have the "talk", no matter how awkward it is, sooner than later. Thanks for your advice!!


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Is he on any medication that can be interfering---he sounds dysphoric (NOT related to gender). Y'all are now roommates, not a marriage--do you want to spend your life like this?
> 
> I'd suggest that he have a medical check up addressing this and then try MC before considering other more extreme options. Do you want a family as your clock is ticking?


No, he is not on any medication. He has good days and bad days, health-wise. Has brain fog or extreme tiredness on worse days. But nothing changes between us, regardless of how he is feeling. 

You are right. We are practically like roommates. And I keep asking that question to myself, if I want to spend the rest of my life like this? Honestly, I don't know. After living with him for more than a decade, I don't know how it will be living without him. It's not like I expect to find anyone at this age. However, I do know that I cannot continue living like this. I would rather be lonely alone than be with someone who is indifferent towards me. Appreciate your response!! Thanks


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> It sounds like he hasn't been interested in you at all for several years (at least!). Having conversations that are superficial at best indicates to me that he isn't emotionally invested at all in the marriage. You can't make him change, only he can do that. And from what you've reported, he's just fine with the status quo.
> 
> What do you love about a man who doesn't appear to want you and has no interest in you as a person?


Yes, he is comfortable with the status quo. In fact now that I think about it, he is quite happy with it. It might come as a surprise to him that I am not :-D

I have never been in any relationship before I got married. So falling in love with my husband came naturally to me, I guess. Its a perfectly valid question, but I have no answer as to why I would love a person who has absolutely no interest in me. If only I did!


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> You need to first communicate and ask him. Tell him how unhappy you are and ask him why he is like that. Marriage counselling may help.


That is what the common sense tells me too. And I know I have to. I just don't know how. Thanks for replying.


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Your marriage is between you and your husband. What others believe about you is not relevant.
> 
> The starting point is you telling him how you feel. Can you start by copying off what you wrote here and letting him read it?


I may not be able to say the exact words to him, but I can definitely start a conversation on this topic. All these responses are definitely helping me is some way or the other. Thanks!!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Do you have children together?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

OK....I have thunk.......You need to put it out there to him if you want to affect change. IF YOU DO THIS, you need to be ready to accept whatever the outcome is to be. This could help you along or blow up in your face. It's really pretty simple.....you are in Vegas and it's a roll of the roulette wheel. You have to be willing to accept the consequences.


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

wilson said:


> Is arranged marriage part of your culture? If so, some of the advice here might not be applicable since it will be based more around Western marriages. What would commonly be done in your culture in a case like this? Can you talk to your mother or other wives you are friends with to get their perspective on it?


Yes, arranged marriages are part of our culture. Involving family doesn't seem like the best idea at the moment. And definitely not my Mom. I would let them know when I/we make a decision. I did talk to two of my friends. One was totally in the favor of divorce, while other was of the opinion, as long as you guys can stay together amicably, try to work towards improving the relation. Didn't really have a suggestion on the "how" part. I have few friends who are divorced. Some of them are happy with the current situation, while others are miserable and regret their decision. I understand every relation is different and what's true for others may not be the same for me. I am working on it, and as a first step I have decided to talk about what I feel directly with my husband. Still struggling with the right words, but I have to begin somewhere! Thanks for taking the time to reply!


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Do you have children together?


No


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Before you think (or talk) about divorce, you really should see if you can improve the situation by talking with him, and getting counseling. If he refuses to acknowledge the problem, or change, then you can think about divorce.


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

Betrayedone said:


> OK....I have thunk.......You need to put it out there to him if you want to affect change. IF YOU DO THIS, you need to be ready to accept whatever the outcome is to be. This could help you along or blow up in your face. It's really pretty simple.....you are in Vegas and it's a roll of the roulette wheel. You have to be willing to accept the consequences.


And that is exactly what scares me. What am I really expecting from him? It's kinda obvious he doesn't really love me, in a way a husband is supposed to love his wife. So if he does say he will "work" on it, can I really hope that he will fall in love with me, when I have clearly failed to do so in past 10 years? And the other outcome, if we decide to part ways...then what? I am not dependent on him financially (Thankfully), but my whole life revolves around him. I will be a mess if it comes to that. Just the thought makes me come up with the worse possible scenarios. With that said, I understand that nothing is really going to change until we talk. And talk we will. Thanks for replying. With every piece of advice I am getting more determined to talk to him


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Before you think (or talk) about divorce, you really should see if you can improve the situation by talking with him, and getting counseling. If he refuses to acknowledge the problem, or change, then you can think about divorce.


True. I definitely do not plan to start the conversation with divorce in my mind. I just want to know where is he in this marriage, and if he wants to improve the things between us. He probably doesn't feel like there is anything wrong in our situation. Like Prodigal mentioned before, he seems to be fine with the status quo. But I want hear it from him rather than assume something on my own.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

PrincessDiaries said:


> It's kinda obvious he doesn't really love me, in a way a husband is supposed to love his wife. So if he does say he will "work" on it, can I really hope that he will fall in love with me, when I have clearly failed to do so in past 10 years? ... my whole life revolves around him.


Let me suggest something to you. When I asked you what it is you love about a man who is indifferent to you, you didn't know.

So why don't you take a little time to think about what it is about you that makes you revolve your "whole life" around a man who doesn't love or respect you. I think it is very, very important that you look deep within yourself to at least try to figure out what's going on that makes you cling to an unloving man in a loveless, sexless marriage.

Because from where I'm sitting a lot of the problem stems from you not valuing yourself. Think about it: He's not interested in sex with you. He isn't interested in having meaningful conversations with you. He isn't interested in showing you affection.

I don't think what you are feeling is love. It sounds like a total lack of self-esteem that keeps you thinking this is the best you deserve. Frankly, your husband sounds like he might be asexual or homosexual and feels trapped in the marriage.

And why would you fall apart if he left? He gives you nothing of himself now. I really think this is about your fear of being on your own. But you only get one short go-around in this life. Consider not wasting it on a man who doesn't love you. Seriously.


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## PrincessDiaries (Dec 28, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Let me suggest something to you. When I asked you what it is you love about a man who is indifferent to you, you didn't know.
> 
> So why don't you take a little time to think about what it is about you that makes you revolve your "whole life" around a man who doesn't love or respect you. I think it is very, very important that you look deep within yourself to at least try to figure out what's going on that makes you cling to an unloving man in a loveless, sexless marriage.
> 
> ...


These are some really valid points. I need to mull over these. Thanks!!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You are allowing your fears and your wild imagination to chain you to the bondage that has become your marriage. You're afraid to talk to him. You're afraid of the right words to use. You're afraid of what he might say. You're afraid of life without him. You're afraid of everything.

And no, you cannot rely on him saying he will work on it. That is a "just do it" mentality that I absolutely loathe. And nobody appreciates being made to feel they are supposed to "just do it" because it is expected. A person has to want to do it. Perhaps they can be moved or prompted to want to do it, but the last thing you want to do is confront him just to get a promise out of obligation. That will be done begrudgingly. And it won't make him fall in love with you either. It will only make him say and do things as a matter of duty in order to maintain the status quo.

Where is he in this marriage?
This is what you want to know, but this is something else you are afraid to know. Keep driving yourself mad like this, and you won't get anywhere except 10 more years of unhappiness. Or more.

I don't think you need to find out where he is. That is something you already know very clearly, hence your problem that brought you here and that prompted you to talk with your friends about it. So, there's no point in asking him where he is in this marriage. That kind of question usually makes a person lie because they are too afraid of hurting your feelings with the truth. Therefore, he will, of course, claim to love you. It will also make him feel forced to show you that he loves you with displays of affection and love-making, which will only be short-lived since it's not his true nature to show any affection and he also has no desire to make love. 

I think you should begin the discussion by expressing your own feelings. Because I am not afraid to speak my mind, this approach might not work for you, so tailor it as you need. I would say something like, "I love you, but I'm not getting what I need from our marriage, so I think it would be best for me to take a break to have time to think of what I want to do." He might welcome the prospect of ending the marriage and he might not. But even he does, he likely won't show it and won't confess it. He will just start trying to win back your faith in him.

People do strange and desperate things when they fear they are about to lose something, and that happens even when they don't want what it is they are losing. The reason is that our psyches won't allow us to be reduced in character or value, which is why nobody likes being left, broken up with, or cheated on. A person can plan to break up with their partner or spouse but if the partner or spouse does it first, then the person becomes desperate to change their mind and keep the relationship, when it's really what they wanted in the first place. Our ego just won't tolerate that kind of blow, so we can't stand for the other person to be the one to do it.

Your husband may not be planning to leave or anything like that, but he's also not planning to change the relationship because he doesn't want to. You expressing your plan will, as I said above, likely make him start doing all those things to prove how wrongly you have judged him and the marriage. But again, it will be short-lived. He will start hugging, kissing, holding hands, making love, openly communicating, and all that jazz, but you will be in the same boat in about 3 weeks time. So you will have to stick to your guns, and go somewhere else for a week or two. This will give you time to sort out your feelings and work on your fears, and it will also give him time to do some reflecting. Don't have any contact with him during this time. You will know how he feels when you return.

It's always perplexing to me when a man is like this. It makes me wonder if he's not attracted to women or if he's having an affair. If your husband is not attracted to women or if he is A-sexual, then it seems to me he did some pretty good duping you in the beginning of your marriage and then welcomed the time arriving that he felt he did his duty and didn't have to touch you anymore.

I will also say that you should be careful who you speak with about this because those who are not of your same culture will offer advice based on their own culture, such as we here have done. It can only be confusing and misleading to you. I'll tell you that if you are of Indian/Asian descent, then your problem sounds a little common to me. There haven't been a lot but of those I am familiar with, it appears women of those cultures had the same complaint as yours. It's as though, despite being told the contrary (such as being told love will come later in arranged marriages) marriage is for the purpose of having children and maintaining appearances, but the men are not particularly interested in their wives.

So, if you are from an Indian/Asian background, it would be best to find a mature female therapist or doctor to speak with. You also need someone to talk to about your fears that you allow to control your life.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

StarFires said:


> YAnd no, you cannot rely on him saying he will work on it. That is a "just do it" mentality that I absolutely loathe. And nobody appreciates being made to feel they are supposed to "just do it" because it is expected. A person has to want to do it. Perhaps they can be moved or prompted to want to do it, but the last thing you want to do is confront him just to get a promise out of obligation. That will be done begrudgingly. And it won't make him fall in love with you either. It will only make him say and do things as a matter of duty in order to maintain the status quo.


I couldn't agree more.

This is exactly what's likely to happen. When a marriage is so bad that you have* tell* someone that their_ complete indifference _toward you is unacceptable, then what the hell have you really got? What - he's not intelligent enough to know that a marriage includes intimacy and love and respect and devotion and goals, etc. etc.? Seriously??? You have to TELL him that?

People don't do what they don't want to do. If he's not happily and willingly coming to you for affection, sex, intimacy, etc. etc., then he obviously isn't wanting it or feeling it with you. Do you honestly think telling him how you feel about that is going to magically turn everything around and suddenly, all this love and affection and desire for you will just ooze out of his pores?

Starfires is right. If he hasn't been feeling it for years, he's not going to suddenly *start* feeling it just because he knows you're sad. If he'd been feeling it all along, you wouldn't be here telling us about this problem. I agree with Starfires that he'll likely suddenly start doing the things you expect of him out of fear of changing the status quo, but because it won't be *AUTHENTIC*, you'll eventually be right back to where you started.

It's sad that you think this is the best you can do in life and that this is all you deserve. And for the love of God, you're only 40 and you actually said you were too old to be able to ever find anyone else. LOL. I remarried at 54, so I'm not sure where you're getting that silliness.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

StarFires said:


> I don't think you need to find out where he is. That is something you already know very clearly, hence your problem that brought you here and that prompted you to talk with your friends about it. So, there's no point in asking him where he is in this marriage. That kind of question usually makes a person lie because they are too afraid of hurting your feelings with the truth. Therefore, he will, of course, claim to love you. It will also make him feel forced to show you that he loves you with displays of affection and love-making, which will only be short-lived since it's not his true nature to show any affection and he also has no desire to make love.


This ^^^^^^


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did he feel pressure from his family to marry?

I know very little about arranged marriages but my guess is not everyone learns to love their spouse and so they just endure. Can you continue to live like that if it turns out this is just who he is? 

Would your family and friends be supportive if you divorced?


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