# Age-gap relationships



## on_the_verge

Hi Ladies, I am just wondering what your experiences are if you have been in or are in an age gap relationship. I will share a few of my recent concerns in my age gap relationship. 

I met my partner (fiancée) when I was 17 and we got together when I was 18. He is almost exactly 20 years my senior so he was 37 when I met him. 

We have been together for 12 years and we have two lovely children together and they are now almost 8 and 6.

My problem is that, although I do love him dearly, I feel like I am growing apart from him and that I have changed a lot as a person in this time. Also, I feel like he is much the same person as when I met him. I no longer feel sexually attracted to him either and am finding myself fantasising about men who are closer to my age. But, in a practical sense, we have a solid relationship and we are both equally devoted to the kids. I also know that he would be very offended/hurt if I was to tell him these things so I keep them to myself and that doesn't make me feel good either. He has also said that he would do anything to keep our family together and he maintains the attitude that a family should stay together no matter what.

If anyone has similar experiences or can help me with some advice about how I am feeling then I would really appreciate someone to talk to. We live far away from friends and family so my support network is limited. Thank you so much for taking the time.


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## alexm

That's tough, and I feel for you (and I feel for him, too), but - and I mean this nicely - did it never occur to you that this time would come?

You certainly can't help who you fall in love with, and sometimes you just ride that train without looking back, but ideally you'd want somebody to grow with you, go through the same things (including stages of life) with you, etc.

The problem, obviously, was that your husband was already "grown up" by the time you started dating him, whereas you had many years of maturity and experience to catch up on.

As a guy who was with somebody from the age of 19 to 33, I can tell you that I feel like I missed out on a lot - and she was the same age as me. I have no regrets, it is what it is, but at the same time, I didn't experience a lot of the same things many of my peers did. Most of all, find myself. Instead, I was married by 25, and had to settle down, earn an income, etc. I had a mortgage payment by the age of 26.

Anyway, ask yourself this - is your lack of attraction to him related to his age, or is it simply the fact that he's all you know, and all you've really experienced? Are you having a mid-life crisis of sorts?

My ex wife spent almost literally half her life with me (she was 17 when we met), and all of her life experience was with me, not to mention her relationship experience. She had only had "high school" relationships before me, the ones that last a month or two. She most definitely had a mini mid-life crisis by the time she hit 30, and acted out accordingly.


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## SunCMars

Wow...

One cannot, cannot ignore what the mind and body desires. 

I see these these choices, all bad.

a) Ignore your feelings. Impossible
b) Masturbate and fantasize. A lot. And for the next 25 years or more.
c) Divorce. Go through a slew of men. Like a hot knife through butter. Maybe find a perfect match after a few. Maybe. Maybe not.
d) Get on anti anxiety medications. Some of which, damp down, tamp down your sexual urges. A terrible solution.
e) Go to counseling. Get your head straight. Huh? Nothing wrong with your head. You have matured and have rued your decisions in this life.

I recommend Divorce. Sooner than later. Your husband knows he robbed the cradle. He knows the score. He fears the worst.

He won't like divorce, but he will understand. 

Take your time, after divorce. Give yourself a couple of years of being single. Easy to say, Eh?


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## uhtred

People change over time and that change varies with age. For most people there is a much bigger change from 17-27 than from 37-47. 

Its always fair to re-evaluate a relationship. 

Relationships with big age differences can work, but they have this additional problem along with all the normal relationship issues.


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## Keke24

@on_the_verge, in my last relationship, my partner was double my age. It didn't even take a year before I started to recognize the issues stemming from our age gap. I realized that I was missing out on a lot of experiences because he'd already been there/done that and was no longer interested. He always felt the need to give his experience/advice and guide my actions. He just couldn't help always telling me what to do and believing that his way was the right one. There was definitely a growing parent-child dynamic and I hated it. I wanted the opportunity to make my own mistakes and learn from them, to see and experience things for myself, and to spend more time with people my own age.


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## jb02157

This is a tough situation and I definitely feel for you. My parents were 15 years apart and I know they had at least some of the same issues. As they got older they had less and less in common. It was tough on me because I thought, perhaps, there was a limited amount of time they would stay together. When you married your H you were really just a kid and still growing your personality whereas your H was already established. It's not surprising you find he is not changing and you are. 

As far as feeling sexually attraction to your spouse begin to wane, you don't have to be apart in age to have that happen. I think that's more about how you take care of yourself and care about how how that may make your spouse feel. 

It sounds like you have a great, strong family. You'll have to decide whether your differences and need for a younger spouse outweigh that.


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## Satya

I think that age gaps in general, can work in relationships. My husband is 16 years older, however when we married I was 36, a bit older than you were when you got together. I believe that there is a greater chance for issues to arise when one spouse marries the older spouse at a very young age, before the brain finishes developing (which doesn't happen until late 20s).

I'm not sure if I can offer you any practical advice for your situation. If your husband has no clue about how you feel then I do feel sorry for you both.


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## Faithful Wife

It seems odd that your husband was going after you when you were only 17 and he was 38. It just seems that much of an age difference when you were so young was a problem in itself.


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## SunCMars

Keke24 said:


> @on_the_verge, in my last relationship, my partner was double my age. It didn't even take a year before I started to recognize the issues stemming from our age gap. I realized that I was missing out on a lot of experiences because he'd already been there/done that and was no longer interested. He always felt the need to give his experience/advice and guide my actions. He just couldn't help always telling me what to do and believing that his way was the right one. There was definitely a growing parent-child dynamic and I hated it. I wanted the opportunity to make my own mistakes and learn from them, to see and experience things for myself, and to spend more time with people my own age.


You gave that older man a gift. A joy ride of a lifetime.

Lucky him. He was a fool to think that he could hold you for long.

Besides, there are so many women his age, or older, that could better hold his attention and his love handle. Appreciate his worth.

Sounds like both of you gained something out of this relationship.

Life is great! If you want it to be.


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## Keke24

SunCMars said:


> You gave that older man a gift. A joy ride of a lifetime.
> 
> Lucky him. He was a fool to think that he could hold you for long.
> *
> Besides, there are so many women his age, or older, that could better hold his attention and his love handle. Appreciate his worth.*
> 
> Sounds like both of you gained something out of this relationship.
> 
> Life is great! If you want it to be.


Before I quit all small talk/catching up with him at the request of my current partner, he was asking for my advice on dealing with his new gf. My advice was your bolded above, to stick to women his age but that's not what he wanted to hear. He was stuck in a similar dynamic with a woman 2 years younger than me. She had lost interest within months, quicker than I did. 

So unfortunately I think I gained a lot more than he did. Perhaps he's subconsciously chasing some feeling of youthfulness that he believes will bring him ultimate satisfaction...


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## SunCMars

Keke24 said:


> Before I quit all small talk/catching up with him at the request of my current partner, he was asking for my advice on dealing with his new gf. My advice was your bolded above, to stick to women his age but that's not what he wanted to hear. He was stuck in a similar dynamic with a woman 2 years younger than me. She had lost interest within months, quicker than I did.
> 
> So unfortunately I think I gained a lot more than he did. Perhaps he's subconsciously chasing some feeling of youthfulness that he believes will bring him ultimate satisfaction...


Yikes!

Your "current" partner?

Not promising..that word!


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## Diana7

I have never understood the attraction of a partner who is 20 or so older or younger than me. The biggest age gap I had was 8 years and that felt like a lot. 
I think that a lot of marriages/relationships with such large age gaps don't last. One issue is when one is an old person and the other still only middle-aged and wanting to get out there and be active and do things. They may end up being a carer for their spouse for many years, probably at the same time that their own parents need carers as well. 

The thing is that you have children and what sounds like a good husband and father, so my advice is to stop fantasizing about other men and set your thought on your family. Discontentment is deadly for any relationship.

You are not married but you have the children to think of and they would be devastated if you ended up splitting up.


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## Blondilocks

Is there a reason the father of your children is still only your fiance?

Look, the guy was a predator with you. Of course, he thinks 'a family should stay together no matter what'. Not many young women are going to want a 50 year old guy who has two young children. Not many middle-aged women, either.

You need to contemplate what the rest of your life is going to look like if you stay with him. Hint: it won't be pretty. He's going to start feeling the effects of aging in the not too distant future.


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## uhtred

I can see the appeal of an age-gap relationship. 

For the older person, the younger person is energetic, excited by life, easy to please because so much is new for them. 

For the younger person, the older has so much experience, can provide for them in so many ways.


I can see it being great fun for a while - but gradually wearing think for all the reasons that were discussed. 


I agree with the importance of caring for children, but I'm not convinced that staying together is always the best option. My parents stayed together, never fought - but there was no love, no intimacy - I basically never saw them touch. I think it taught me the wrong lesson about what what a happy marriage looks like, while they always described themselves as being "very happy" and in love. In retrospect, I realize that they were both very unhappy in the relationship. 






Diana7 said:


> I have never understood the attraction of a partner who is 20 or so older or younger than me. The biggest age gap I had was 8 years and that felt like a lot.
> I think that a lot of marriages/relationships with such large age gaps don't last. One issue is when one is an old person and the other still only middle-aged and wanting to get out there and be active and do things. They may end up being a carer for their spouse for many years, probably at the same time that their own parents need carers as well.
> 
> The thing is that you have children and what sounds like a good husband and father, so my advice is to stop fantasizing about other men and set your thought on your family. Discontentment is deadly for any relationship.
> 
> You are not married but you have the children to think of and they would be devastated if you ended up splitting up.


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## on_the_verge

What are the chances that these are passing feelings and that I could find a way back to this being a fullfilling relationship? How does one know when a relationship has run its course? It's hugely subjective, no?, as a positive person may find the best in almost any situation.


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## Faithful Wife

on_the_verge said:


> What are the chances that these are passing feelings and that I could find a way back to this being a fullfilling relationship? How does one know when a relationship has run its course? It's hugely subjective, no?, as a positive person may find the best in almost any situation.


Sure, you could do this. You would have to find a way to make your husband be sexually attractive in your eyes. Check out Marriage Builders. If you and he both followed their plan you may find yourself so in love with him again and having great sex together.

However, to follow their plan you would have to completely stop fantasizing about other men and replace those fantasies with your husband. Are you willing and ready to do that? Because I don't see how you will ever find him attractive again as long as you are focused on and fantasizing about men who are the opposite of him. Fantasies like this can be totally harmless, but in your case, they are not.


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## TaDor

Yeah, I thought it was rather strange of a 37yr old man checking out a 17yr old. (or 18 vs 38)

I've fooled around with a few 19~20 yr olds in my 30s, but the idea of a "relationship" with such a young person was out of the question. I always kept the thought that THEY need to mature, meet people, and find out who they are. People don't mature until they are 25+ years old. Because I was not in a good place, at age 37 - I did reject the advances of a 19yr old cutie. A few years later - I did admit to her I found her attractive back then - but wasn't in the mood to be with someone so young who was also very much into wanting a boyfriend. Just kept it simply friends (non-sexual). Perhaps if she wanted only sex and fun, I'd be more open to taking her out for a spin. But that wasn't the vibe. She did soon get a BF.

You need to talk to your husband, come up with options.
I'm 15 yrs older than my wife. But I'm still quite young at heart. And we enjoy many of the same things together.


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## Diana7

on_the_verge said:


> What are the chances that these are passing feelings and that I could find a way back to this being a fullfilling relationship? How does one know when a relationship has run its course? It's hugely subjective, no?, as a positive person may find the best in almost any situation.


These feelings are under your control. We can stop thinking about things that are unhelpful and destructive for us and our family. Instead, think of things that you like and love about your husband and family. 
How about some good marriage counseling?

You say you are engaged to be married, when is the wedding?


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## peacem

on_the_verge said:


> What are the chances that these are passing feelings and that I could find a way back to this being a fullfilling relationship? How does one know when a relationship has run its course? It's hugely subjective, no?, as a positive person may find the best in almost any situation.


Be careful. 

It is not unusual at the age of 30 to be going through the 'grass is greener' phase. Please don't think this is meant to patronize you at all, but you are still young and it is a common feeling that young people have, that life is passing you by. When I became 40+ I settled more into being content with everything I have, warts and all. I no longer upgrade my furniture unless it needs it, I run my car into the ground, I have stopped fretting about a career as I am happy being at home with my family, I don't need anymore money than just enough, I don't care what others have, I have a much smaller group of quality friends.

What I am saying is, it may not be the age gap that is the issue here but the stage you are at in your life and you may be scapegoating what sounds like a wonderful fiance and father. 

But obviously I may be wrong.


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## jld

Blondilocks said:


> Is there a reason the father of your children is still only your fiance?
> 
> Look, *the guy was a predator with you*. Of course, he thinks 'a family should stay together no matter what'. Not many young women are going to want a 50 year old guy who has two young children. Not many middle-aged women, either.
> 
> You need to contemplate what the rest of your life is going to look like if you stay with him. Hint: it won't be pretty. He's going to start feeling the effects of aging in the not too distant future.


I agree. But she has children with him. They are now the priority, imo.

OP, do you have a job? Could you support yourself and the kids if you decided to leave him?


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## Diana7

Blondilocks said:


> Is there a reason the father of your children is still only your fiance?
> 
> Look, the guy was a predator with you. Of course, he thinks 'a family should stay together no matter what'. Not many young women are going to want a 50 year old guy who has two young children. Not many middle-aged women, either.
> 
> You need to contemplate what the rest of your life is going to look like if you stay with him. Hint: it won't be pretty. He's going to start feeling the effects of aging in the not too distant future.


A friend of mine started dating a man 10 years older than her. She was 15/16 and he 26. They married when she was 19 and they have been happily married now for 42 years. Some may say he was a predator but they didn't have sex till they married and were so right for each other.


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## She'sStillGotIt

on_the_verge said:


> Hi Ladies, I am just wondering what your experiences are if you have been in or are in an age gap relationship. I will share a few of my recent concerns in my age gap relationship.
> 
> I met my partner (fiancée) when I was 17 and we got together when I was 18. He is almost exactly 20 years my senior so he was 37 when I met him.
> 
> We have been together for 12 years and we have two lovely children together and they are now almost 8 and 6.
> 
> My problem is that, although I do love him dearly, I feel like I am growing apart from him and that I have changed a lot as a person in this time. Also, I feel like he is much the same person as when I met him. I no longer feel sexually attracted to him either and am finding myself fantasising about men who are closer to my age. But, in a practical sense, we have a solid relationship and we are both equally devoted to the kids. I also know that he would be very offended/hurt if I was to tell him these things so I keep them to myself and that doesn't make me feel good either. He has also said that he would do anything to keep our family together and he maintains the attitude that a family should stay together no matter what.
> 
> If anyone has similar experiences or can help me with some advice about how I am feeling then I would really appreciate someone to talk to. We live far away from friends and family so my support network is limited. Thank you so much for taking the time.


I participated in your last thread that was something about you being tempted to seek out the attentions of other men in your age group if I remember correctly.

I also remember being utterly disgusted by a man in his late 30's sniffing around a 17 year old teenage GIRL, grooming her to one day be his wife. It's creepy and it's repulsive and if I had a teenage daughter and some almost 40 year old letch was hitting on her, I'd make the bastard bleed. There's nothing honorable about men like this at all. NOTHING. And before the nay-sayers start in, I would have felt the EXACT same way about my teenage son had some almost 40-year old woman been hitting on him. She would have bled, too.

OP, I''m actually surprised it took you THIS long to discover your youth was stolen by this miscreant.

Actually, Blondilock's term "predator" perfectly describes him. He knew what he was doing. He knew the daddy/daughter thing would always put you in a subservient position to him, making you doubt your own intellect and always assuming he's so wise and always right.

He's real lucky your father didn't rip his head off and **** down his neck back when you were 17 and Mr. Midlife Crisis was sniffing around you. *Someone* should have.


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## Diana7

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I participated in your last thread that was something about you being tempted to seek out the attentions of other men in your age group if I remember correctly.
> 
> I also remember being utterly disgusted by a man in his late 30's sniffing around a 17 year old teenage GIRL, grooming her to one day be his wife. It's creepy and it's repulsive and if I had a teenage daughter and some almost 40 year old letch was hitting on her, I'd make the bastard bleed. There's nothing honorable about men like this at all. NOTHING. And before the nay-sayers start in, I would have felt the EXACT same way about my teenage son had some almost 40-year old woman been hitting on him. She would have bled, too.
> 
> OP, I''m actually surprised it took you THIS long to discover your youth was stolen by this miscreant.
> 
> Actually, Blondilock's term "predator" perfectly describes him. He knew what he was doing. He knew the daddy/daughter thing would always put you in a subservient position to him, making you doubt your own intellect and always assuming he's so wise and always right.
> 
> He's real lucky your father didn't rip his head off and **** down his neck back when you were 17 and Mr. Midlife Crisis was sniffing around you. *Someone* should have.


I have a good friend whose relationship began when he was 26 and she 16. They were engaged when she was 18 and married when she was 19. Still happily married 42 years later. 

While I find it creepy when middle-aged men and old men lust after teenagers, she was almost an adult and over the age of consent. She wasn't groomed, she had agreed to be with him and have children with him. 
I know several women who married at 18/19. Most still married many years later.


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## brooklynAnn

@dianna, I think a 10 years gap ain't so bad. But he was 38 and she was 17....that's a really big gap...a whole generation.


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## uhtred

I think that is too harsh. 

He didn't have sex with her and dump her. He got into a multi-year relationship. I may have missed it but I don't see any clear signs that he was abusive / controlling. 

It may have been unwise for both of them to get into the relationship, but its not clear to me that there was any ill intent, or even any real problem. Many marriages run into problems. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> I participated in your last thread that was something about you being tempted to seek out the attentions of other men in your age group if I remember correctly.
> 
> I also remember being utterly disgusted by a man in his late 30's sniffing around a 17 year old teenage GIRL, grooming her to one day be his wife. It's creepy and it's repulsive and if I had a teenage daughter and some almost 40 year old letch was hitting on her, I'd make the bastard bleed. There's nothing honorable about men like this at all. NOTHING. And before the nay-sayers start in, I would have felt the EXACT same way about my teenage son had some almost 40-year old woman been hitting on him. She would have bled, too.
> 
> OP, I''m actually surprised it took you THIS long to discover your youth was stolen by this miscreant.
> 
> Actually, Blondilock's term "predator" perfectly describes him. He knew what he was doing. He knew the daddy/daughter thing would always put you in a subservient position to him, making you doubt your own intellect and always assuming he's so wise and always right.
> 
> He's real lucky your father didn't rip his head off and **** down his neck back when you were 17 and Mr. Midlife Crisis was sniffing around you. *Someone* should have.


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## FeministInPink

brooklynAnn said:


> @dianna, I think a 10 years gap ain't so bad. But he was 38 and she was 17....that's a really big gap...a whole generation.


Yeah... he was more than twice her age when they met.


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## Jessica38

You're now 29 and he's 49, correct? 

Honestly, I'd look at it like this: in ANY long-term marriage, you're bound to change and grow. In any marriage, kids and daily life/stress can drive out the romance, if you let it. I've been married 15 years. I'm now hearing from several of our friends in long-term marriages that the attraction is gone, and it has nothing to do with a difference in age.

You have kids together and you've been married over a decade. I'd treat this situation like any other LTR where the desire is at risk of declining. Start by making improvements to get back the feelings of romantic love you had for each other. I'd get the books His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters. 

I'd also change the perspective that this is due to the age difference. Couples closer together in age also struggle with this issue in a long term marriage with kids.

*I'll also add that if you came here at age 17 and told us you were getting involved with a man who is 37, I'd advise you to not get involved and wait before settling down so young. But since you're both adults now and have been married a while and have children, I see this issue as fixable, for the sake of your family.


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## Diana7

brooklynAnn said:


> @dianna, I think a 10 years gap ain't so bad. But he was 38 and she was 17....that's a really big gap...a whole generation.


He was still well into adulthood and she only 15/16. Younger than the OP.


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## Diana7

Jessica38 said:


> You're now 29 and he's 49, correct?
> 
> Honestly, I'd look at it like this: in ANY long-term marriage, you're bound to change and grow. In any marriage, kids and daily life/stress can drive out the romance, if you let it. I've been married 15 years. I'm now hearing from several of our friends in long-term marriages that the attraction is gone, and it has nothing to do with a difference in age.
> 
> You have kids together and you've been married over a decade. I'd treat this situation like any other LTR where the desire is at risk of declining. Start by making improvements to get back the feelings of romantic love you had for each other. I'd get the books His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters.
> 
> I'd also change the perspective that this is due to the age difference. Couples closer together in age also struggle with this issue in a long term marriage with kids.
> 
> *I'll also add that if you came here at age 17 and told us you were getting involved with a man who is 37, I'd advise you to not get involved and wait before settling down so young. But since you're both adults now and have been married a while and have children, I see this issue as fixable, for the sake of your family.


They arent married. However I agree with you.


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## DTO

brooklynAnn said:


> @dianna, I think a 10 years gap ain't so bad. But he was 38 and she was 17....that's a really big gap...a whole generation.


Most importantly, IMO, she hadn't started living life yet.


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## Diana7

DTO said:


> Most importantly, IMO, she hadn't started living life yet.


 I was engaged at 18 and married at 19. Had my first child at 21. That was normal not long ago. It's only recently that people wait so long to get married and have children. I never regretted it.


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## NoChoice

OP,
There is some debate over your fiance being a predator. I do not believe this is the case. Predators are ruthless and consume their prey, he could have easily left after he "got what he wanted" but he instead stayed with you and has been partner for 12 years. And, although I find the union ill advised, I do believe that it can work, predicated on whether or not you want it to.

One has control over what they think unless their mind is so underdeveloped that they cannot fight/alter their own thoughts, in which case they are left to be led by the baser instincts, such as physical desire. I have stated before that want is the root of all evil and the root of want is immaturity. You are now allowing yourself to be consumed with thoughts of WANTING to be with other men. You are committed and have children yet you WANT to see what you have missed and you have convinced yourself that this will fulfill you and make you happy. I challenge you to read through this site and see how common your story is, age notwithstanding.

Let us say that you split and break up the family and find someone closer to your own age. Again, read on here how many thirty something year olds are into games, spending hours and hours playing video games. Realize how many cannot budget and plunge headlong into debt. And realize how many have the same want that you have and cheat on their wives to "see what they are missing" Although age plays a role in this its role is less significant than most acknowledge. 

My wife and I married quite young, she was 17 and I 18. I will admit that I was mentally much more mature at 18 than most and I realized full well what I was vowing to uphold. My wife was not. She, like you, began to see me as an impediment to her "experiencing life" and filled her mind with "what have I missed" thoughts. She found out however, that what she missed was all in her head and looks back now on her indiscretions with deep regret and sadness as she has forever altered the dynamic of our union. I, on the other hand, may have had passing thoughts about what else was out there but mine was driven by my wife's neglect of our marriage and my frustration over no intimacy. However, I did not dwell on it because I swore a vow and I realized that no situation is without its problems and I knew that my happiness was not paramount. Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.

It is counterproductive to wonder what else is out there and what you may be missing and I can assure you it will not end if you find someone else because the void you feel is within and cannot be filled by outside circumstances. What you are missing is nothing save for pain, disruption of your family and a different set of issues that may make you wonder what else is out there. If your fiance is honorable, trustworthy, non abusive, considerate, a good parent and dedicated to the relationship then I can assure you that you are missing nothing. There may be issues with what you two find "fun" but there is much more to life than having fun. Find the things that you both enjoy and work on those, do not allow the "what ifs" to destroy your family. 

However, if you have reached the point where you have convinced yourself that your happiness lies in the arms of a different man, then at least do the honorable thing and inform your fiance that you need to seek out that which you WANT and spare him the pain of neglect and ignorance. He may be hurt by your decision but he will eventually recover and possibly find a woman that will not wonder but rather will know. As you contemplate your decision do be mindful that there will always be different men about which to wonder. I wish you good fortune.

Edit: Is not proceeding with the formality of marriage his idea or yours or are you perhaps looking to be included in Ripley's book for longest engagement? In some instances, the law will see you as married after a number of years together so, depending on geography, it may not be erroneous to refer to this relationship as a marriage. I have altered my references nonetheless.


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## Blondilocks

Let's try this one more time: they are NOT married.


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## Tiggy!

Maybe wait on getting married while until your sure about the relationship.


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## MattMatt

Blondilocks said:


> Let's try this one more time: they are NOT married.


But she first described him as her partner, then added the word fiance.

And if she wasn't sure about the relationship enough to marry, how come she was sure enough about the relationship to allow him to father two children with her? :scratchhead:


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## lifeistooshort

MattMatt said:


> But she first described him as her partner, then added the word fiance.
> 
> And if she wasn't sure about the relationship enough to marry, how come she was sure enough about the relationship to allow him to father two children with her? :scratchhead:


Because teenagers are emotionally stupid?

I think it says a lot more about him that at 38 he got together with and fathered two kids by an 18 year old little girl that in 12 years he hasn't even thought enough of to marry.

No grown, healthy woman would want this loser.....relatively speaking he's a lot more immature then her.


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## Haiku

lifeistooshort said:


> Because teenagers are emotionally stupid?
> 
> I think it says a lot more about him that at 38 he got together with and fathered two kids by an 18 year old little girl that in 12 years he hasn't even thought enough of to marry.
> 
> No grown, healthy woman would want this loser.....relatively speaking he's a lot more immature then her.


Emotional fragility is not bound by age.


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## DTO

Diana7 said:


> I was engaged at 18 and married at 19. Had my first child at 21. That was normal not long ago. It's only recently that people wait so long to get married and have children. I never regretted it.


Understood. But the OP does seem to be regretting it. And while your marriage worked out great, I think in general that people who wait a few years to get married tend to have more successful marriages.

On that subject, I think there's a good reason people wait longer to get married: it simply takes so much more training and preparation these days to be a self-sufficient adult with a decent lifestyle.


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## Diana7

lifeistooshort said:


> Because teenagers are emotionally stupid?
> 
> I think it says a lot more about him that at 38 he got together with and fathered two kids by an 18 year old little girl that in 12 years he hasn't even thought enough of to marry.
> 
> No grown, healthy woman would want this loser.....relatively speaking he's a lot more immature then her.


18 is an adult. That was the normal age to marry not that long ago.


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## lifeistooshort

Haiku said:


> Emotional fragility is not bound by age.


 That's true, but with young people there's a decent chance they'll grow out if it if they're allowed to live their life.

By his age you're stuck with it.


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## Diana7

DTO said:


> Understood. But the OP does seem to be regretting it. And while your marriage worked out great, I think in general that people who wait a few years to get married tend to have more successful marriages.
> 
> On that subject, I think there's a good reason people wait longer to get married: it simply takes so much more training and preparation these days to be a self-sufficient adult with a decent lifestyle.


The reason people marry much later now is that they live together for years first. That didn't happen when I was that age. Two of the best marriages I know were with 19-year-old wives. They are both still happily married after 40 years.


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## Haiku

lifeistooshort said:


> That's true, but with young people there's a decent chance they'll grow out if it if they're allowed to live their life.
> 
> By his age you're stuck with it.


Really good point. You're wise.


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## lifeistooshort

Haiku said:


> Really good point. You're wise.


Ha ha, that's why I prefer older men. They've matured as much as they're going to so I can decide if it's enough.

I met my hb when he was 50.....i told him he was as mature as he was going to get and it was enough. 

He thought it was hilarious.


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## DTO

Diana7 said:


> The reason people marry much later now is that they live together for years first. That didn't happen when I was that age. Two of the best marriages I know were with 19-year-old wives. They are both still happily married after 40 years.


Perhaps that's part of it, or maybe a symptom of what I see. I see lots of people who just do their own thing (maybe have a boyfriend / girlfriend, maybe not). There is a large group of people

My point was that with it being so hard to establish oneself and hit the typical younger-adult milestones (being self sufficient, owning a home) while paying off debt and thinking about retirement someday, of course people are taking longer to make that ultimate commitment.

My parent's generation (Baby Boomers) were the last where you could have a middle-class life without going to college (or at least picking a really lucrative trade). My generation (Gen X) was the last where you could go to school and make a serious dent in the cost of tuition with a part-time job. Now, even the cheapest public university (the CSU system - I live in SoCal) runs about $10k per year with tuition, all fees, and books considered.

So, now these young adults are coming out of school, in debt usually, looking at relocating to find jobs, struggling with high costs of living, etc. Or maybe they don't have the aptitude / opportunity to be students first, and are even further behind their more-educated peers (or working multiple jobs). Settling down and taking on even more responsibility is a daunting prospect.

I have lots of family and a number of friends in their 20s, and I see it all the time. Even the ones that have good jobs and are building careers are not getting married or having live-in partners for the most part. They are just trying to get themselves going.


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## DTO

As noted before, anyone can lose attraction to their spouse. Also, I think that the sense you've missed out on life is not necessarily due to the age gap, but more having to do with the age at which you got with this guy.

That being said, age gaps can be problematic in relationships - so can differences in life stage. And you have both issues. As for whether this can be saved, that depends on you. You will have to find a way to be attracted to him again, and the age gap and sense that you've missed out are things he cannot change.

I think you need to consider the source of your dissatisfaction (internal vs. stuff he's doing / not doing), what can be done about it, and what you'd be able to do differently if you were single. I will caution that with two kids and maintaining a household on your own, you won't have much time to go out and explore life, at least until the kids get older. So, if you are just wanting to be single again, I'd think long and hard about making a move just on that.

FWIW, I find it very odd that a guy in his late 30s would pursue a teenager. I can’t see there being enough in common to have a partnership. I have been dating a lady 15 years my junior for six months now and that took a lot of getting used to (on both our parts - we actually took a break to get some perspective and consider what we were going). That is despite the fact we are pretty close in life stage – we both are divorced with minor children. And I’m young at heart, so we find it easy to have fun doing random stuff when together. We’ve lived enough to know what we want in a partner and be ready to commit without wondering if we missed out and are still taking really slow.

For a guy to just jump in with a teenager, knowing how those early adult years impact our wants and needs, and outlook, just seems really off. And, the fact that you are not married yet troubles me also. Is it possible he is also rethinking things?


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## SunCMars

I hate to say this. I just cannot say IT.

I too have a Gap Issue.

A Sage gap..............compared to my live-in younger Earth Mates, of course.

A Sage and these paper pages. Pages from blank books. blank stares, blank eyes.

Just Sayin'


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## on_the_verge

Hello everyone, sorry for such a huge delay in thanking everyone for their comments. Life took over for a while.


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## FeministInPink

on_the_verge said:


> Hello everyone, sorry for such a huge delay in thanking everyone for their comments. Life took over for a while.


Any updates on your situation?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Jayg14

In my opinion, OP, your husband did it wrong. These type of relationships are never supposed to be permanent. Well, unless one of the parties, usually the man, has a lot of money. These are only meant to be flings and fun times for a couple of years, max. Once these issues start creeping in on the younger half, they're supposed to end. At least, the two relationships I'm aware of (that had an age gap) went.


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## RandomDude

on_the_verge said:


> My problem is that, although I do love him dearly, I feel like I am growing apart from him and that I have changed a lot as a person in this time.


Hmmm...



> Also, I feel like he is much the same person as when I met him. I no longer feel sexually attracted to him either and am finding myself fantasising about men who are closer to my age. But, in a practical sense, we have a solid relationship and we are both equally devoted to the kids. I also know that he would be very offended/hurt if I was to tell him these things so I keep them to myself and that doesn't make me feel good either. He has also said that he would do anything to keep our family together and he maintains the attitude that a family should stay together no matter what.


How did it start? How did it wane? What happened exactly? Relationships in general do tend to grow apart, instead of growing together, regardless of age difference. I'm curious what makes an age gap unique in the drift.



> If anyone has similar experiences or can help me with some advice about how I am feeling then I would really appreciate someone to talk to. We live far away from friends and family so my support network is limited. Thank you so much for taking the time.


Not sure about advice, but I would sincerely appreciate your opinion on my thread on the private section.


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## personofinterest

My parents were 18 years apart. In the later years, it was tough on my mother because she became his caretaker, but she was very committed to him. We have talked at length about pretty much everything as we are very close, and they were "in love" throughout their marriage, though the intensity of "feeling" in all authentic marriage waxes and wanes. I believe one thing that helped was that my father was a bit of a health nut, and he was always reading and learning and such. So they both grew. Even when his tremors were so severe he could not hold a book, she read to him.

Is your partner healthy? Is he in shape? Does he do things to improve himself intellectually? If not, perhaps you can both do these things together and reconnect in that way.


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## Faithful Wife

Zombie thread.


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## MZMEE

Me and my husband are 15 years apart.

Unfortunately you married your husband as a teen so it is expected that you would change. You hadn't even begun to discover your own self. So here it is. 

But you have to ask yourself what is more important...capturing what you never got to experience or staying committed to your husband and marriage and continuing to build your lives together.

It is only natural to have the feelings you have but you have to watch how you act upon them. That will get you in trouble. My husband is 63. I know i probably have cheated myself out of the vigor of a man in his 40s and 50s but I had to make a decision.....do I nuture that thought or do i just stay the course with my husband and make our lives what it is. I chose the latter. Heck he's always dated younger women...for all I know he has fantasies of younger women as I get older. Long as it stays a fantasy I am not going to stress myself. I can't do all the things I used to do. My legs can't stretch like they did before so sex is limiting...do I fear he is going to get a newer model? Nope.

Good luck.


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