# The holidays and working on reconsilation, but not there yet



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I just got home from spending thanksgiving with his family. It was nice for the most part. My husband wanted to spend some alone time with me in his room to get away from the crowd of people I guess. It was just watching tv with no cuddling or anything like that.

I'm really mourning the normal go home together thing. The kids are staying with him at his parents house for this whole weekend because HUsband wanted to do our usual Black Friday shopping together. I'm finding it difficult that he wants to do some of the usual things, but without the I love you's, hello/good bye kisses and coming home together. 

I have no idea how long this seperation like this will be. I'm just feeling like I need the I love you at the end of visits and especially on holidays because when I ask him he does say he loves me nad is in love with me, but he just does not say the word. There is many times that I almost slip up and say it or text it. I don't want to be the one to say it cause what if he doesn't say it back and what if its too soon for him. 

We have been seperated for about 3 months now and have not had sexual relations for 4 months or more. Is it wrong of me to so desire the physical contact? I'm really missing the hello and good bye kisses so much!! I'm also really missing the cuddling..

I'm really gettign worried about how Christmas is going to be. I don't want to be the one with the kids on christmas morning alone. I know I will be probably going to his parents house, but I don't want to wake up christmas morning as not the whole family. Since we are workign to put the marriage back together, I don't want to say to the kids These are from Mommy and we will be going to grandmas to open daddy's presents. Its hard enough I'm decorating the x-mas tree without him living here.

I'm having serius doubts about everything that lead up to the divorce/seperation.(its still divorce right now, but husband is changing it to seperation this friday)
I'm the one who made the seperation happen and I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I feel that I didn't do the right thing. If you have been following my posts than you know that my parents had a huge hand in the crumbling of my marriage that has been happening for years. Of course there are other factors too, but my parents were the ones who constantly put bad thoughts in my head. 

I don't want to rush the marriage back together, but the holidays are really really hard. 

Its gettign harder to keep my feelings for my husband in my head. I have told him how I'm feeling closer to him, but I have not told him that I keep almost slipping and saying I love him. That I dream of a hello kiss and/or good bye kiss. That I dream of the same electrifying kisses to show him how I feel and not just tell him.


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