# Is My Wife Cheating?



## Unbelieving (Oct 15, 2013)

This fall, my wife started coming home late from work almost every night. She attributed it to having a lot more work to do. One night, she came home with a bruise on her hip and behind her knees. She didn't know about the bruises behind her knees, and I didn't tell her. She said the bruise on her hip was from the dog jumping on her. She came home last night with another bruise on her hip, and she said that was from me. Maybe it was. I'm not sure.

A few weeks ago, I walked into the bedroom and found my wife in bed, in the dark, pleasuring herself with her phone in her hand. She quickly put the phone down. I asked her what she was doing. She told me that she was looking at porn.

I strongly suspected that she was having a conversation with someone. I suspect that it was through text messages or a program like Facebook.

She has denied this. 

About a week ago, a package came for her from a friend from college. It's a guy. He sent sort of a gift for a charity she's involved in. I checked her chat history on Facebook and discovered that there are no messages between the time he told her he was going to send it and when it arrived. But you can go in there and delete specific messages from the chat log. I suspect that happened since there was nothing around the date of the big bedroom discovery. 

A few days ago, I discovered that her phone cannot access porn sites. It has setting that blocks them. But she recently switched her phone plan. She claims that the sites weren't blocked before she switched her plan. I have a cell phone from the same company. I just switched my plan. And porn sites still aren't blocked on my phone.

It seems unlikely that this glitch would happen to her phone but not to mine. 

Now we are fighting. She insists that she was looking at porn. And I insist that she was having a conversation with someone.

This is not exactly the first time. About five years ago, she was spending a lot of time online. And I suspected that she was talking to guys. I looked at her computer, and I found an amateur webcam video of a guy masturbating. It seemed more like the sort of thing that someone would send to another person than something that someone would download. I mean, there is tons of porn on the net. Who would download a single video like that? About the same time, she received several CDs in the mail. It was all music, and it was all sent by some internet friend, a guy. I was suspicious, but I never said anything.

It might be worth noting that we met online about 15 years ago. We have been married for 14 years. We have two kids. There is always stress in our lives from one thing or another, but I love her very much. And I am very confused right now. It seems like the ball is in my court. I can choose to believe her even if she's lying or I can follow my intuition and the facts and keep saying that she's lying. If I choose the latter, it might be the end of our marriage even if she's telling me the truth. I am having a hard time with this. One thing that seems clear is that I have suspicions that I just can't get over. And I worry that this will all be on me if our marriage ends.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Trust but verify. 

You need to stay alert.

She may be telling the truth, but sometimes trusting that little voice in your head is a good thing to do. 

As for the bruising. My wife bruises like a ripe tomato. If I just grab her wrist, sometimes bruises will appear if I did it a bit too hard, when being affectionate. 

Some people do bruise easily.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Unbelieving,

While the likelihood is that your wife is cheating, you need to go into stealth mode to get evidence that she can't deny. And for that, you've come to the right place.

Take a breath and let her think that you've gotten past this. In the mean time, educate yourself on how to catch her.

There are a number of tools at your disposal. VAR's, cellphone spyware, key loggers, GPS trackers, and e-mail/text recovery methods for computers and cell phones. Placing a hidden VAR in her car would be the first thing I would look at. Other posters will follow up with the details.

Sorry you're here by the way.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Stop confronting her, and pretend the whole thing has blown over for you. Otherwise she will be all the more careful if she is up to something, making it harder for you to bust her.


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## Esco (Oct 3, 2013)

Bro, I feel for you I’m going through the same thing right now. Brace yourself because it’s a lot worse before it gets better.

On a side note all the stories on her are so similar it’s not even funny


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Unbelieving yes she is cheating. She's externalized her affection and her stimulation seeking outside the marriage.

One of my conditions for reconciliation with my wife was 0 porn usage. Taking into account the hysterical bonding we engaged in post d-day, our average sexual activity has increased. 

Why? She isn't externalizing and decoupling her sexual desires from our marriage - through porn, masturbation, or online things.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You ought to do a search for evidence gathering on the forum. You do have enough to take action imo, but given your past, you'll likely need undeniable evidence to get you in the necessary mindset to do what you need to do. Sorry you're here.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Voice activates recorders in your house and in her car.

You can also set up your home router to use opendns. Thus let's you monitor what domains are being used, and possibly when as well, I can't remember for sure if it does time logging.

But it will let you see if she's going to porn or going to skype

I'd go with the vars first.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The bruises I could discount. Hell, I get bruises and scratches and have no idea where they came from.

The staying for work late...maybe.

But couple it with the phone/bed incident and the package from the old friend, and I would be suspicious, too.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If and when you do get evidence, think about it before you confront. Do your best not to reveal exactly what you know, or precisely how you know it. Think of ways to put the pressure on to get her to volunteer information, and to deflect any queries as to the nature of your knowledge. Do not blow your sources for info. Should you choose to R, you will want to be able to verify, it will aid in building trust.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

She's cheating. You don't need to investigate.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

How would someone get bruises behind their knees?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered a semen test kit for her underwear?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Standard advice pasted below.

For heavens sakes be quiet already and stop asking her about everything. Play dumb husband.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

I don't know if other browsers save the passwords where you can view them but you should be able to google and find out!


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## Unbelieving (Oct 15, 2013)

I really want to believe that she's not cheating. But I just can't get myself there. She screamed at me tonight and told me that I'm crazy and paranoid and that she would never do that to me nor to our children. She also told me that some stuff that happened in the past never happened and that I dreamed it or imagined it. But there's no way it didn't happen. I remember her getting CDs in the mail from some guy who burned a CD or two or three for her. And she's even lying about that. She acts like she doesn't remember it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I believe this has been mentioned earlier in this thread but I'll repeat for clarification. 

*STOP CONFRONTING HER!*


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Ah the paranoid accusation - I still have the text my ex sent to me accusing me of being paranoid....guess what - she was living with him 6 months later - that's how paranoid I was..


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother,

I am sorry you are here. So many of us have been through something like this... She is DEFINITELY cheating. If she is masturbating with a phone in her hand, she is being way over the top. Porn on her phone... You know it's a lie. We all know it's a lie.

The gift out of nowhere... I do not believe in coincidences. You need to play it cool and do one of two things. If you want to save your marriage, throw her out of the house and be strong. If you want to leave her because she is cheating, act like everything is OK, and snoop like crazy. Weightlifter gives good advice. Hire a PI. You know she is cheating. You would just rather not believe it. I am sorry you are here.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Yeah, she's cheating. And is probably going to take it underground. 

What you need to do:

Recon- do what weightlifter and others are telling you- VAR's, keylogger and so on. 

Stop confronting. 

Do a 180, ignore her, detach and begin to move on with life, knowing and preparing that she may not be apart of it. Lift weights, new hair cut, up sex rank and go out. Get a hobby that's just about you. 

Do not engage her. Only if she wants to have sex, in which you always use protection. Even then, this might not be helpful for you. I say go cold on her, but that's just me. 

See an attorney and find out about your options and your rights. 

Expose affair once conformation of it. 

Move on. 

Sorry your here. Stay on TAM and LISTEN to advice. 

Good luck.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You have 2 posts. Did you lurk before you posted? Have you read threads? If you have not, the advice you get will seem to be the absolute wrong thing to do to you. It is not. You are not unique. Your wife is not unique. Your situation is not somehow different. Taking a strong line will not push your wife away and ruin your one and only chance to save your family. If taking a strong line results in your wife leaving, she is already gone, and nothing you can do will nice her back into the way things were. It will only increase your pain, suffering and humiliation. Go back and read the responses you have received very carefully. You know what, try to take your ego out of the equation, read it as if it were a problem in someone else's life. Figure out a plan. Do you need more evidence? How will you get it? Follow the advice. Do you already have enough? Then ask how to proceed in that instance (this takes nerves of steel, but will save time). Part of this plan will involve getting your legal affairs in order, and being prepared to serve her divorce papers. I believe you can file on the basis of adultery and demand access via the courts to fb messages and texts to supply proof. That is one of the only ways to access deleted fb messages in the US. Other jurisdictions can theoretically force access to your own deleted messages using privacy laws. But that's beside the point. The question is, are you ready to face the reality of your marriage?


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## Unbelieving (Oct 15, 2013)

Okay. I am going to clarify some stuff and see if you all still think she's cheating.

She is involved in a club for kids. A guy who shares an interest in the same stuff mailed her some stuff to give to kids in the club. It wasn't like someone sent her a ring or a necklace or something. She is now telling me that she barely talks to this guy but that she has set him up with a friend of hers and that her friend is having an online relationship with him and that he's supposed to come to the area to meet this girl soon. This guy lives about 1,000 miles away. So she's clearly not spending time with him in real life. She does have his phone number on her phone. And that didn't seem good.

My wife doesn't really go out at night or anything. She basically goes to work and comes home. But she has been coming home an hour or two later a few times. When I asked her about it, she asked me to do some of her work for her. I did, and it took a lot of time. I can see how she might need that extra time at work. I know for a fact that her workload is heavier now than it was in the past. 

My wife is kind of nerdy and not really all that pretty. I doubt that many guys would approach her. But I'm not ruling out that it could happen.

Last night, she told me that she sometimes connects her phone to our WiFi. We discovered that she can access porn on her phone when she does that. There is no block from the phone company. So that would make it possible for her to be telling the truth about looking at porn on her phone when I caught her. She said she uses the WiFi at home because she heard it saves your phone plan. But she has unlimited internet. By the way, she has a laptop, but it's locked down. She can't use it to look at smut.

She told me Monday morning that she wondered what had happened since some sites were suddenly blocked on her phone beginning a few weeks ago. So I'm sort of getting two different stories there. One is that her phone recently started blocking sites but wasn't doing so a few weeks ago. The other is that she must have been watching porn while being connected to the WiFi. Keep in mind that it took her two full days to come up with that.

Despite me accusing her, she was really quick to forgive me after I pretended that the WiFi explained it all away. She said something like, "You big goofball. I can't believe this was all because I was on WiFi instead of my phone service!"

During our conversation last night, I brought up the time that she had a webcam video of some guy on her computer and the time that some guy sent her music CDs he burned himself. She pretended not to remember either of those things and even accused me of making it up. She asked me if maybe I dreamt it. But I know these things happened. We got into it for a few days when i found the video. I am having trouble believing that she doesn't remember either of these things. And I think I may be more suspicious about her pretending that never happened than about anything else that she has said or done or denied doing.

I also discovered that she changed the password to her phone account. I set up that account a long time ago with a common password that we both know. I can't imagine why she would have changed the password.

She has Facebook on her phone. And there is a setting to store the password. She has chosen not to store the password. That seems suspicious since she's the only one who really uses her phone. It's the same way with her Gmail account. I haven't really asked her why she is being so secretive about her accounts. I'm sure she'll have an answer ready.

I suspect that a VAR in her car won't do much good. I doubt that she talks to anyone in the car. I don't even know if this is an internet relationship or a real one or if it's just my imagination. The fact that she's been so defensive tells me that it's not a one-time thing with some guy she knows. 

Anyway, she doesn't suspect anything right now. So I guess I will just sit back and pretend that things are fine. But I don't know how anyone can be steaming mad and just act like things are great.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she is using her phone to talk with another man, she will do it in her car, they always do. That's a safe place where no one can hear them. Get the var , if she is cheating you will soon know.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Oh you got the "it's not me, I'm setting him up with my friend" excuse. Yeah, we've never heard that one before.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Unbelieving said:


> During our conversation last night, I brought up the time that she had a webcam video of some guy on her computer and the time that some guy sent her music CDs he burned himself. She pretended not to remember either of those things and even accused me of making it up. She asked me if maybe I dreamt it. But I know these things happened. We got into it for a few days when i found the video. I am having trouble believing that she doesn't remember either of these things. And I think I may be more suspicious about her pretending that never happened than about anything else that she has said or done or denied doing.


This is called gaslighting, a special kind of lying designed not just to cover something up, but to try to make you doubt yourself and your perception of the world around you. Not a good sign, at least regarding the meaning of that video and the CDs.

You need to be in "trust but verify" mode. It seems her suspicions of you might have relaxed a little bit (with the "you big goofball" comment). Keep playing along. Acknowledge you were being a goofball. Hopefully, if anything is going on she's not on alert as much as she might have otherwise been.

Get the VARs that were recommended immediately, and do what you need to do to track her movements (GPS her car) and her computer and phone activity.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Brother, so sorry you are here.

I got the "just friends" line for a long time. I had to pry like hell to even get her to acknowledge she found him attractive.

If she is denying old facts you know to be true, then she's denying new facts you suspect are true. Cheaters LIE. They lie to themselves, they lie to you, they lie to their AP. The lie again to cover lies.

You cannot trust anything she says, only what she does. These guys are right on track with telling you how to do a little spying to see what's really going on. Heed their advice for your own sake.

Stop confronting her. You might have actually put her in a place where she has now a false sense of security about any affair, since she thinks it was so easily explained away. It might even embolden her. But your constant confrontations will only force an unrepentant WW to take it further underground where it will be much harder to get the facts.

BTW I don't recall if you said if her phone was on your family plan? If so, have you gone to the phone company and pulled her usage logs?


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## Unbelieving (Oct 15, 2013)

She has a prepaid phone. So do I. I prefer it. It's cheaper, for one thing. It was my recommendation. Because they are prepaid, none of the call logs or anything else shows up on the account. I'm going to check into a key logger for her phone.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It is quite possible that she may be telling the truth, and other things may be coincidences or she just couldn't be remembered by her at the moment, but...

...she may be up to no good and simply not realize it. Many affairs happen when a spouse believes that they are simply being a good friend in time of need/steady shoulder to cry on/source of good advice. They really don't realize that they are crossing the line of appropriate/inappropriate behavior. And because there may very well have been no physical contact (i.e., they only chat online/the OM lives 500 miles away/they are in a workplace where physical contact is impossible), she may truly believe that it is really not cheating. Far too many people go by the mantra of "It's not cheating if there's no sex".

She may honest-to-god believe in her head that she is doing nothing wrong.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

A VAR in her car will help to verify when she leaves work and when she gets home. Cheaters like to talk and typically in their cars. If she is cheating the VAR will soon reveal it (IMO). If not then it will show that she is telling you the truth about work.

When folks go secret on their accounts that is a huge red flag. One that I ignored and thought nothing about. My wife did this and I was not even aware of it. She changed her phone settings and laptop password. The night I caught her in 2010 she left this stuff open. 

Your gut is telling you that she may be cheating. That my friend is the first and most powerful indication that she may indeed be cheating.

Like others have said, stop confronting her. Go stealth. I would also learn as much as you can about this guy who is coming. It could be that your wife set him up with her friend, or it could be that this is just a screen, a ploy, and this is when she really goes PA witht the guy. 

Your wife's memory is not that bad, I imagine she remembers and the fact that you got so upset shows you that you know better. You are not crazy. She is blowing it off because I do believe that there is more there with the CD's.

And it does not matter how attractive or unattractive your wife is, she could be obese, or thin. Cheaters come in all sizes. For anyone to say I would never have sex with that person there are many others who would.

My advice:

1. Get several VARs. Weightlifter has the info. Put one in her car. Get one that has tons of memory and good battery life. Figure out where she may be getting off. I imagine the bedroom and if she is doing herself via phone, you are going to hear her speaking to someone.
2. Get a GPS for her Car.
3. Remember this. Some on TAM will say you already have enough. My wife, like so many here on TAM will attest, denied and denied even with hard proof. I though I had enough and she was able to wiggle out of some of it. It ws the VAR recording of her and the XOM moaning, etc that finally did her in. I would not wish this on anyone to listen to this crap. Get someone else to do so for you.
4. Plan out your confrontation carefully. Doing so too soon will set you back big time. You have confronted too early as it is (IMO) and all they do is get smarter. It is hard and I did not do it, I confronted right away. IF I had not, I would have found her secret phone, etc. I did not listen to the entire recording, I got so upset when they had sex the first time (they did the deed three times that day) I went off on my wife. Had I listened to the entire recording, I would have found where she kept her secret phone, found out that this was the same guy from 2011 that she never ended it with, etc. It would have saved me quite a bit of time and I would have busted it up more quickly.

Sorry you are here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would get the var for the car and one for the bedroom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Quite confronting her NOW! You need to go 007 completely.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Has she sworn on her children's lives yet? 

Oh and echoing. Dude when it comes to confronting your wife. SHUT THE EFF UP ALREADY!

Playing captain clueless is EASY and most cheating women buy the act because they want to.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Unbelieving said:


> I really want to believe that she's not cheating. But I just can't get myself there. She screamed at me tonight and told me that I'm crazy and paranoid and that she would never do that to me nor to our children. She also told me that some stuff that happened in the past never happened and that I dreamed it or imagined it. But there's no way it didn't happen. I remember her getting CDs in the mail from some guy who burned a CD or two or three for her. And she's even lying about that. She acts like she doesn't remember it.


It's possible she's "gaslighting" you. Google the term. 

Her behaviors, even if innocent, have crossed the marriage boundaries. 

She is wrong to scream at you. Your concerns are legitimate. 

The fact that she now denies even receiving the CDs concerns me. 

Counseling might help.


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## Unbelieving (Oct 15, 2013)

I just remembered something else that I thought I should share. Like I said, my wife is a geek. And I'm not. She gets really into some geeky movies and TV shows, and I discovered several years ago that she writes and reads fan fics. I don't know jack about them. But they are usually graphic. A few years ago, we talked about the fan fics she was writing and how they made me uncomfortable. I don't know if I was being fair about that. But it's bizarre to me. I just did some googling and found that she was writing some as recently as the summer. I also discovered that she has a separate Twitter account for her fan fic stuff. She also has a tumblr I knew nothing about. I can't see much there that is a red flag, but it's really weird to me. It's like there is this whole side to her that is foreign to me. I noticed that she has a good friend among the fan fic people. I don't know whether it's a guy. I can't tell. But the person knows her enough to post a big happy birthday for her. And I saw one or two comments of "love ya" sort of stuff.

I completely forgot about the fan fic thing. I believe that I discovered that stuff and that is how I found the webcam video several years ago.

I also discovered that she has another fan fic email address. At last count, she has a work account, two gmail accounts that are supposed to be "other" work accounts, a persona gmail account and now a fan fic gmail account.


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## Unbelieving (Oct 15, 2013)

I figured out who her fan fic friend is. It's a lady she knows. This woman lives far away. They are good friends. This lady had flown down here a few times, and they hung out together and went to watch movies and such. They also shared a hotel room. But I do not believe they have an intimate relationship. The lady is rather large and unattractive.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Let's assume the WiFi connection allows the wife to look up porn on her phone. Did you ever confront her directly about that assumption, i.e. "if she was so hard up to use porn and masturbate, why didn't she call you into the bedroom for some wild sex???". 

Do the two of you share any real common interests or even want to try to spend quality time together? I see a strong disconnect between the two of you that will still be there whether there is cheating going on or not. You called her a geek and a nerd while you profess to be neither. She's into SciFi, maybe fantasy, and likes to write stories based on her interests. You don't like them and they actually make you feel uncomfortable. So how many interests to you have that she wants nothing to do with? 

How long have the two of you just been roommates? How has your sex life been lately - or even for the duration of your relationship?


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## Unbelieving (Oct 15, 2013)

Last night, she claimed that she pleasured me and I didn't reciprocate. So she went into the bedroom. I have trouble believing that. But it's possible. But she should have said something instead of sneaking off to the bedroom. I can't recall that night. But I was under the impression that the kids weren't even in bed yet. So I don't know how she could have pleasured me.

We have similar political views and we enjoy some of the same TV shows. But we don't have a lot of the same interests. I'm into sports and she's into SciFi, anime, D&D and stuff. She doesn't really play D&D, though. She hasn't done that for years. 

Our lives mostly revolve around our kids. They are very active and keep us very busy.

I want to spend time with her. But she seems distant most of the time. She's either on her phone or reading her Kindle or on her laptop.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Unbelieving said:


> *Last night, she claimed that she pleasured me and I didn't reciprocate. So she went into the bedroom. I have trouble believing that. But it's possible.* But she should have said something instead of sneaking off to the bedroom. I can't recall that night. But I was under the impression that the kids weren't even in bed yet. So I don't know how she could have pleasured me.


How could you not remember if she pleasured you or not? Any normal person should remember when they had some fun with the spouse sexually easily even a week ago.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Your wife lives in a fantasy world. All this fan fiction is making me believe she doesn't have a terribly firm grip on real life. She's escaping into her own mind all day.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> How could you not remember if she pleasured you or not? Any normal person should remember when they had some fun with the spouse sexually easily even a week ago.


Yeah I question this as well. How do you not know whether or not she pleasured you?

If your memory is this hazy, she's going to rewrite the whole marriage on you.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> How could you not remember if she pleasured you or not? Any normal person should remember when they had some fun with the spouse sexually easily even a week ago.


He's referring to the event several weeks ago, when he caught her. The conversation last night was referencing that event, which he doesn't remember.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Unbelieving said:


> We have similar political views and we enjoy some of the same TV shows. But *we don't have a lot of the same interests*. I'm into sports and she's into SciFi, anime, D&D and stuff. She doesn't really play D&D, though. She hasn't done that for years.
> 
> *Our lives mostly revolve around our kids.* They are very active and keep us very busy.
> 
> I want to spend time with her. But she seems distant most of the time. She's either on her phone or reading her Kindle or on her laptop.


The two of you have little common interests, your kids are running you ragged and whenever you do have free time she's burying her nose in her multimedia devices. 

The biggest issues I see are that 1) you and your wife overindulge your kids and 2) neither of you are trying to come up with shared interests to spend time together. If she is cheating on you, I would say it is because of the distance that developed between the two of you due to competing interests and falling into the "parent trap" where the two of you sacrifice your marriage for the "benefit of the children". 

I'm inclined to think that your wife probably found escape via an EA. But even if that's not the case, I think the two of you need to start spending more time together and to do so via simplifying your lives. Doe the kids really need to be in ALL of those activities? Can't the two of you commit to setting aside an hour or 2 a day for just the two of you - ALONE?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The two of you have little common interests, your kids are running you ragged and whenever you do have free time she's burying her nose in her multimedia devices.
> 
> The biggest issues I see are that 1) you and your wife overindulge your kids and 2) neither of you are trying to come up with shared interests to spend time together. If she is cheating on you, I would say it is because of the distance that developed between the two of you due to competing interests and falling into the "parent trap" where the two of you sacrifice your marriage for the "benefit of the children".
> 
> I'm inclined to think that your wife probably found escape via an EA. But even if that's not the case, I think the two of you need to start spending more time together and to do so via simplifying your lives. Doe the kids really need to be in ALL of those activities? Can't the two of you commit to setting aside an hour or 2 a day for just the two of you - ALONE?


Totally agree with this. The minute you start taking each other for granted, you can be sure someone outside your marriage will find a way in.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother,

I think you are in denial. You don't want it to be true but you know it could be. You don't want to find out because it might ruin your marriage, but you want to find out because you are living in a limbo hell. (been there)

You are being weak. That is so very unattractive on a man. Women will turn away from you. You are making serious mistakes. DO NOT CONFRONT her unless you have proof!

Some of the stuff she does is just not right. If she is masturbating to a picture of Gandalf the Grey, then that is wrong on so many levels. If it's not Dumbledore or Harry Potter or whomever, it is some guy. She is cheating on you. Whether it is with someone real or if it is a picture of Ronald Weasley, it doesn't matter.

Your marriage is in serious trouble. You need to stand up and take charge of your life. Get your act together and be authoritative. Take her out to dinner, get a baby sitter and buy her some lingerie and take her to a hotel if you think she is just losing interest. Be her man, not her little whiny fish. If you think she is cheating, don't run your mouth to her, get the information by covertly spying on her.

Good luck to you brother.


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