# Therapist Recommending Separation?



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Hey . . . do a lot of therapists regularly recommend couples separate as part of their marriage recovery?? I seem to have read a lot about this on TAM, and my wife has mentioned separation a few times after starting therapy (and our subsequent MC - with the same therapist). My wife is NOT one to say, "my/our therapist recommended we separate" but rather would pose it as her own idea. (Which I doubt.) Just wondering. In our case, I can't see how it would have helped (and . . . we have been making some positive steps ourselves).


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I dont know of any that would recommend a separation.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

MC or ICs guide the process, not necessarily lead it. 

If your W is giving signs that she wants a separation, the MC may be allowing her to explore it. Your W may be telling the MC things she isn't sharing with you. I know that sucks - and it happened to me - but that's part of the process.

Blanketly saying that no MC/IC wouldn't recommend it isn't true. 

As for a separation - do you have kids, a house, etc? I think you read my thread. Don't move out - let her go. It's better for you in case of D.

Sorry you're here. Best of luck.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sadly, some do.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

jayde said:


> Hey . . . do a lot of therapists regularly recommend couples separate as part of their marriage recovery?? I seem to have read a lot about this on TAM, and my wife has mentioned separation a few times after starting therapy (and our subsequent MC - with the same therapist). My wife is NOT one to say, "my/our therapist recommended we separate" but rather would pose it as her own idea. (Which I doubt.) Just wondering. In our case, I can't see how it would have helped (and . . . we have been making some positive steps ourselves).



You should not have an MC that is providing IC to your wife......


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Separation is a ludicrous solution to repair a marriage unless you have serious issues such as domestic violence, infidelity or substance abuse. If none of these are present then you should investigate what is the force behind the desire to separate.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

I have had two professionals recommend that a separation be a route to consider to regain the marriage.

My religious advisor was the first to recommend it. He noted that the toxins and poisons were so great in the household that no peace could be found within the home. He suggested that the separation would give us both peace within ourselves to reconcile with God first... then ourselves.

Our therapist also recommended it, again for the same reason, the toxicity of us even being in the same house was driving us apart. The emotional was FAR overruling any chance of us thinking reasonably or rationally. 

We separated in January... over 9 months, 1 week and 4 days we have regained 'ourselves' individually, discovered a whole new mindset and beautiful clarity that now has us back together under one roof. Now comes the wonderful challenge of applying all that we have learnt pretty much 24/7. We still have 2 major issues to get through.. but this can only be accomplished as a couple. I am hopeful that we can solve these problems, but we both realize that since these issues are very fundamental ones, they possibly may not be resolved and we may still divorce. We respect each other greatly to hold no ill will to one another if they cannot be reconciled. 

We remain hopeful!


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Here's my 5 cents (inflation.)
My H was in touch with the MC before we went back to him a 2nd time. I learned later that he had just enlisted his help to break it to me that we were separating. MC told "us" the 1st meeting that he tries to help mend the marriage, but if it isn't salvageable, he helps facilitate a civil separation. 

Man, I was so gullible. I'm getting farsighted, but my hindsight is clearer than ever.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Best of luck, Rose.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Here's my 5 cents (inflation.)
> My H was in touch with the MC before we went back to him a 2nd time. I learned later that he had just enlisted his help to break it to me that we were separating. MC told "us" the 1st meeting that he tries to help mend the marriage, but if it isn't salvageable, he helps facilitate a civil separation.
> 
> Man, I was so gullible. I'm getting farsighted, but my hindsight is clearer than ever.


Oh my! That sounds like your H manipulated the MC to get his justification for the separation. I think he hoodwinked both you and the MC.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Best of luck, Rose.


Thank you...


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Here's my 5 cents (inflation.)
> My H was in touch with the MC before we went back to him a 2nd time. I learned later that he had just enlisted his help to break it to me that we were separating. MC told "us" the 1st meeting that he tries to help mend the marriage, but if it isn't salvageable, he helps facilitate a civil separation.
> 
> Man, I was so gullible. I'm getting farsighted, but my hindsight is clearer than ever.


Uhaul . . . this is wrong on so many levels. . . your H (stbx ?) and MC were both so whimpy about this. I hope you're feeling you'll be better off. All the best to you.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses.

KanDo - yes - the same therapist for IC/MC is a really bad idea (I now know). And that it was his idea is even more alarming to me.

Walt - yes, I know that if she suggests it, I am NOT the one leaving (I know this from TAM). And when I turned it around and said she could leave - it seemed to have lost some of its appeal. And when I started talking about it openly with friends (and it wasn't our 'little secret' anymore, it became a mistake to have mentioned it). Hmmm.

RoseRed - glad to hear that this has been a positive thing for your marriage - good to read different perspectives. Good luck.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My marriage counselor thought it would be good for my wife and I to separate although she never said this to us together and only said it to me after my wife quit going to counseling and filed for divorce.

She thinks my wife needs to experience life on her own so that she can decide if she really wants to be single. The counselor said that about 50% of her couples who separate get back together.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

jayde said:


> Walt - yes, I know that if she suggests it, I am NOT the one leaving (I know this from TAM). And when I turned it around and said she could leave - it seemed to have lost some of its appeal. And when I started talking about it openly with friends (and it wasn't our 'little secret' anymore, it became a mistake to have mentioned it). Hmmm.
> 
> .


When I said to my W (a SAHM) that she could leave (not me) and I'd bust my a$$ to take care of the kids, she had a mini-breakdown. I guess what's good for the goose wasn't good for the gander. :rofl:

Separation only works if both spouses have similar goals. If one wants to live the single life (date others, etc.) and the other doesn't, than it won't work.

IF both want to work on the M -just can't do it together- than it might have a shot....might...


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