# Smoking, sex, and porn. Plus we're expecting... Please help!



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

*I know this is a long post, and i apologize. But please read it. I really need some help.. its only long because our problems and so large. (and maybe i went into too much detail). And keep in mind, i love my husband. Im not trying to make him sound like a bad person or husband. We just need help. I've tried everything.. I don't want to live like this anymore..*

My husband is in the marines. He just turned 20 and i'm almost 19. We got married so i could move with him wherever the corps sent him. He started smoking after boot-camp. When he went for other training, i guess the other guys got him into it. He has promised me countless times that he would stop smoking, made it seem like he did, hid it from me, lied to me about it. He just recently got an electronic cigarette so that he could get on the path to stop smoking.

Recently we have been having lots of problems so we finally tried to talk about it and he thought i knew (and for once, i didnt) that he had been smoking. So he admitted to it. When i asked how he was smoking without me knowing (cause i could always smell it) he said its because it was just one each morning, so the smell was gone by the time he got home. It hurt me so much because we basically wasted $100-150 on two different electronic cigarettes so he could stop all for him just to deliberately find ways to smoke behind my back. I think what hurt the most this time is that i kept thinking that with all our problems, at least he isnt smoking any more, or at least real cigs. 

The other thing that hurts, is the fact that im pregnant. It hurt knowing that the couldnt quit for me, but he made me a promise that he would for this baby. because he knew he needed to. Im a little more that 4 months along, and the talk where he admitted about smoking just happened about 2 nights ago. He cant quit for me or our baby. I dont know what else to do to make him quit. I love him and would never think about leaving, but this is hurting me every day.

But wait.. There's more. :/

So on top of the smoking problems, when im gone, such as before i moved up here and when i went back home for a month to help plan our wedding, and who knows how many other times. He watches porn and does (you know what) to it. I found videos on his computer that he took with his phone of a porn chatroom thing. He paid for it. Two different times. Its a girl on video doing sexual stuff and them talking dirty to eachother. And in the video you can hear him doing (you know what). He has gone to websites and looked at dirty pictures and had audio of a girl having sex that he got off the internet i guess on his phone. and he used all that to pleasure himself. And again, he has told me over and over that he will stop and said he does it just cause he used to before we were together so he just kept doing it i guess. But he doesnt stop and thats no excuse.

In our house we have two bathrooms and only one has a lock. The one without the lock gives me a chance to catch him. I believe he goes and looks at his porn or whatever when he is in there (doing number 2) and he always takes his phone. Sometimes he is playing a game he always plays or reading news. But there have been some times where ive walked in and he exits something really fast. I brought it up a long long time ago when this was going on, but i started checking again and not telling him. So i dont say anything. im sure he knows though. And in the bathroom with the lock. Sometimes he will leave the door open or unlocked and sometimes he will lock it. When i knock he has opened it right up for me. but othertimes he doesnt open it or he has tried to stall me and take a long time to open it. He always has the fan on in the bathroom, but i have tried to listen and i am pretty sure i have heard him doing stuff.

I know it sounds bad that im always trying to catch him, snooping and stuff. But he has caused me to not trust him and to be paranoid every second of the day. I have been extremely unhappy recently and i know thats bad for the baby. I cry almost everyday. Im not working right now so i'm always at home. And things have gotten so bad between us.

I assume that if your reading this you saw the title. So your probably asking yourself, whats wrong with the sex part? well. here it is..

It ties in with the porn subject. First off, he is constantly asking for sex and other sexual acts. Constantly. And i love having sex with him but i haven't had much of an urge since ive been pregnant and the constant asking and touching me and trying to persuade me to all the time, just makes me not want to do it at all. but sometimes im scared that if i don't have enough sex with him, that he will turn to porn. I think he already has been doing that. And he makes me feel bad about it sometime by saying we never do anything any more and joking about how im not attracted to him anymore and never have sex with him. But it makes me feel horrible. even though he claims hes "only joking". He also gets extremely mad and in a bad mood if i tell him early in the day that we might make love that night and then i end up being too tired or something. He says its messed up to tease him or get him excited about that and just not do it. Because apparently i did it a lot. But its usually because im either too tired because the pregnancy or sometimes i just change my mind because he asks about it or talks about it all day and makes me not want to.

With all these problems, he also doesn't help around the house, gets mad if i don't do laundry that i promised and then just doesn't acknowledge it when i finally do it. He doesn't think about anyone but him self, doesn't help with anything, uses the "m tired from work" excuse, promised to help with the dogs cause they always almost knock me down and we are scared that i will fall and lose the baby, but he hasn't helped one. Things have gotten so bad that i came out with it the other day and told him that he treats me like **** and lies to me all the time.

Im sorry this post is so long, i didnt know I would type so much. But please help me. And keep in mind, hes not a bad guy. I am head over heels in love with him and he is the sweetest guy ive ever met. I married the man of my dreams. Hes just making bad decisions and i dont know why. I love him and want us to be happy. I want him to treat me like he used to. And to act like he loves me. I want to see and feel his love. Not just know that its there. We really need some help. I dont want to have all these problems when the baby comes. Please give any advice that you can. Anything will help.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1. Re the smoking - you cannot force him to quit, and he cannot quit for anyone else. He has to WANT to quit FOR HIMSELF. And even then he will struggle mightily. I have 'quit' many times over the years and am still smoking - it's harder than anything else I have ever encountered. Except for recovering from my husband cheating.

That brings me to #2.

Your husband is cheating on you and may be a cybersex/sex addict. Please read all the links in my signature, and google the effects of porn on the brain. This isn't something to be taken lightly. Your husband has moved past porn to having one on one sex with other women via webcam. THIS IS CHEATING, make no mistake about it. The next step will be to meet up with them in person, if he hasn't already done so. You must take this VERY seriously.

You have to develop a zero tolerance policy. You can either give him the ultimatum now, with what you know, or you can do more digging to find out if he HAS gone farther than the webcam stuff. If I were you I would figure out how to get everything off his phone so you can see just what he's been up to, and also keylog his computer and put a VAR in his car. He very well could be talking to these women too.

Please don't sweep this under the rug. If you do, he WILL progress to physical acts if he hasn't already, and you could very well end up with an STD or HIV. Find out how far he has already gone and put a stop to it. What he is doing is TOTALLY unacceptable.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Also, though - do what you promise. If you say you'll do laundry, do it. If you say you'll have sex, do it. If you let yourself get into if you enjoyed it before you still will. Approach it with a positive attitude of how wonderful it is to reaffirm you still find him attractive.

After all, you'll want him to still find YOU sexy, right? Someone has to take the first step. I suggest you compromise. 

I don't have issues with porn but I wouldn't like the two-way chat. Agree that you'll take a nap or do whatever to get in the mood. Maybe you have to skip TV and go to bed at 8pm if that's what it takes to not be exhausted. So find out how much he'd like and agree to some terms - he stops doing chats/porn but you will try to get in the mood and will have sex even if you're tired 5x a week. And try something he thinks will be fun once a week.

A lot of this stuff sounds petty. If you start the day thinking "how can I make my husband happy/have a good day today" you will cultivate the same from him. He'll be happy, he'll help out, you'll be happy and have energy for sex... it will be come a cycle of positive feelings instead of negative ones.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

About the webcam sex chat room. i thought i would mention that its only a viewing and semi chat site. she could not see him. its pretty much to watch live porn and reply to it.

As far as him talking to other people or physically cheating on me, I check his phone all the time. and he has no free time where he could cheat.

I know that its mentally cheating, and i know he has a porn problem. But he has never looked at or talked to another woman like that. On the porn chat site the replies were all like. little things to keep her going and show he was enjoying it. no actual chatting.

Also like i said he is in the marine corps. And he is well aware of what could happen if he cheated. We both are. We have seen/heard the consequences up close via friends and other marines/military personnel.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

I usually do what i say as far as laundry. That example was just one day he asked me to and i said i would do it the next day and i forgot. but i did it the very next day.

I do agree about the promising sex. i just need to make time for rest.

The problem is, being pregnant i dont usually have the urge or i hurt alot. We do still occasionally have sex, i guess i should have mentioned that. Its not a sexless marriage, just not frequent like it used to be. He just seems not to care that i cant do what i used to before getting pregnant and still expects the same amount of sex as we used to have.

And i used to wake up happy every day and always want to do things to make him happy and id wait impatiently all day for him to get home every day because i couldn't wait to see him. I still like to do nice things for him and surprise him. But now i feel myself thinking why do all these things for him when he is just going to treat me bad or just want sex. 

When we have sex he is happy and says all these sweet things after he will say what do you want to do now. We can do what ever you want. blah, blah, blah. We had sex the other night and i dressed up for him, so he is doing the dishes today. (supposedly)

And whenever i want to do something, he says okay, if you make love to me or do a little something for me. in a joking manner but i know he is serious. Whenever i ask to do something it turns to a deal where i have to do some sexual act for him.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Tried counseling yet?


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Tried counseling yet?


Not yet. We don't really have the time or money for that. And i really don't want to have to do that. I wanted to try to fix this between us. I just needed a little outside help and advice on how to handle it.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> About the webcam sex chat room. i thought i would mention that its only a viewing and semi chat site. she could not see him. its pretty much to watch live porn and reply to it.
> 
> As far as him talking to other people or physically cheating on me, I check his phone all the time. and he has no free time where he could cheat.
> 
> ...


You are making excuses for him. Stop it. Stop it right now. Have you read my story? My husband 'only' viewed porn for a few years, which led to 'only' chatting where women couldn't see him, which led to 'only' signing up for sexsearch and adult friend finder, which led to 'only' trying to meet up in person etc etc etc.

He has no free time where he could cheat? Are you with him 24/7? You have NO idea to what lengths cheaters go to cover their tracks.

You are not taking this seriously enough.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> And whenever i want to do something, he says okay, if you make love to me or do a little something for me. in a joking manner but i know he is serious. Whenever i ask to do something it turns to a deal where i have to do some sexual act for him.


He has a PROBLEM. If you don't insist that he do something about it, prepare for a life of repeated heartache.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You are making excuses for him. Stop it. Stop it right now. Have you read my story? My husband 'only' viewed porn for a few years, which led to 'only' chatting where women couldn't see him, which led to 'only' signing up for sexsearch and adult friend finder, which led to 'only' trying to meet up in person etc etc etc.
> 
> He has no free time where he could cheat? Are you with him 24/7? You have NO idea to what lengths cheaters go to cover their tracks.
> 
> You are not taking this seriously enough.


I believe he has no free time. He works from 7:30 am to 3:00 pm. And He cant do anything at work. And if hes home i am too. and the only other time were are apart is for marine things. where he is with groups of people for pt or uniform inspections and such.

im not trying to make excuses. and i know it is possible, it just that most days he doesn't even spent and hour alone. I am taking this seriously. And considering what you said about your husband i understand what it can lead to. Also, thank you for taking the time to read my forum and give me advice.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> Not yet. We don't really have the time or money for that. And i really don't want to have to do that. I wanted to try to fix this between us. I just needed a little outside help and advice on how to handle it.


He needs professional help. He has addictions, and addictions need special treatment. If he's in the military, you both can get it for free. You have to be willing to ask his CO for the help though. If you could handle it on your own then you would have already.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> He needs professional help. He has addictions, and addictions need special treatment. If he's in the military, you both can get it for free. You have to be willing to ask his CO for the help though. If you could handle it on your own then you would have already.


Hes not going to ask his CO for help. And i doubt he would try counseling anyway. But you're right. That's why i'm on here asking for help.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please, do some reading around here. You don't know what he does at work. You don't know what he does in his car. You don't know what he does at work functions. There are stories all over here about BS's (that's what you are - betrayed spouse) having the wool COMPLETELY pulled over their eyes. You have no idea how much I want to be wrong here, but we've seen this SO many times, and all the signs are there. You need to protect yourself and your baby. How will you feel if you find out in a year or two or five that he gave you HIV while you were pregnant and you passed it on to your child?

I am sorry that I sound harsh. I just want what's best for you, and it's frustrating to see you say things like "its only a viewing and semi chat site" "I know that its mentally cheating, and i know he has a porn problem. But......" "no actual chatting" etc. You ARE making excuses for him. Please, don't.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> Hes not going to ask his CO for help. And i doubt he would try counseling anyway. But you're right. That's why i'm on here asking for help.


YOU should let his CO know about his behavior. It's not becoming of an officer. He has a standard to uphold as a soldier.

If you aren't willing to go there, then you really don't want help.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Every man who looks at porn does not have an addiction or cheat. That may be some people's experience - doesn't mean it's his.

I don't get why being pregnant (and only 5 months) would make for discomfort. In fact you should be hitting the super horny part and getting out of the tired all the time part.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Please, do some reading around here. You don't know what he does at work. You don't know what he does in his car. You don't know what he does at work functions. There are stories all over here about BS's (that's what you are - betrayed spouse) having the wool COMPLETELY pulled over their eyes. You have no idea how much I want to be wrong here, but we've seen this SO many times, and all the signs are there. You need to protect yourself and your baby. How will you feel if you find out in a year or two or five that he gave you HIV while you were pregnant and you passed it on to your child?
> 
> I am sorry that I sound harsh. I just want what's best for you, and it's frustrating to see you say things like "its only a viewing and semi chat site" "I know that its mentally cheating, and i know he has a porn problem. But......" "no actual chatting" etc. You ARE making excuses for him. Please, don't.


I understand. Like i said i'm not trying to make excuses for him. And like i said i know it is a possibility. I have a somewhat off topic question for you. But it still has to do with my problem.

One main factor in all this that is a problem. I have trouble talking to him about all of this. I have confronted him multiple times after he has done such acts. But we never have had a full conversation about it. Its usually an apology and a promise not to do it again. And recently i haven't been able to at all. Like i said, the other night all i could tell him is that he is lying to me all the time and treating me bad. (I apologize, i didn't realize i typed and posted the actual word earlier) But i have never fully laid everything out for him to see or expressed everything. I think its partially my fault its gotten so bad because for the longest time i told myself id rather live like this than say all the stuff i need and hurt him. But he needs to see my side of things and an outside look at it as ya'll have given me. So that brings me to my question..

Do you think i should show him my post and let him read all the replies and advice that you all have given? I think its the only way for him to be able to see whats going on.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Every man who looks at porn does not have an addiction or cheat. That may be some people's experience - doesn't mean it's his.
> 
> I don't get why being pregnant (and only 5 months) would make for discomfort. In fact you should be hitting the super horny part and getting out of the tired all the time part.


I agree. And ive had a rough time with my pregnancy. But i am supposed to be getting my libido and energy back. Thats probably why I surprised him the other night. I think its just the problems at this point. And as for the energy. If we stay home and dont go out im usually okay. But if we go on a walk or to the mall or something, im usually out of energy. And time is a factor.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> Do you think i should show him my post and let him read all the replies and advice that you all have given? I think its the only way for him to be able to see whats going on.


No!!!!! No no no no no. Because if he IS up to anything you don't know about, you've tipped your hand.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> No!!!!! No no no no no. Because if he IS up to anything you don't know about, you've tipped your hand.


Okay. Lets say he isnt. And its just the porn and wanting sex problem. Because like i said i know its possible, but i dont believe he is cheating. Plus im not trying to prove that he is. When i posted on here it was never my intention to try to get help in catching him cheating.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you cannot do it on your own, see a counselor who can help you do it. 

As for the fact that not everyone who uses porn has a problem, of course they don't. But this guy has gone beyond porn. He INTERACTS with OTHER WOMEN one on one. That's what they do in chats. Especially PAID chats. This guy is PAYING FOR SEX. THAT IS a problem.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> Okay. Lets say he isnt. And its just the porn and wanting sex problem. Because like i said i know its possible, but i dont believe he is cheating. Plus im not trying to prove that he is. When i posted on here it was never my intention to try to get help in catching him cheating.


You don't KNOW that he isn't. And he IS cheating. He is paying for extramarital sex.




Hope1964 said:


> If you cannot do it on your own, see a counselor who can help you do it.
> 
> As for the fact that not everyone who uses porn has a problem, of course they don't. But this guy has gone beyond porn. He INTERACTS with OTHER WOMEN one on one. That's what they do in chats. Especially PAID chats. This guy is PAYING FOR SEX. THAT IS a problem.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If he can't abstain because his pregnant wife doesn't feel up to it as much as he'd like and turns to porn because of that, he has a problem. I assume that before you were pg the sex frequency was higher?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

This really needs to go to counseling. The CO needs to be contacted. 

You want this to stop OP? It can. You have to take the lead here and get help for you both.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If he can't abstain because his pregnant wife doesn't feel up to it as much as he'd like and turns to porn because of that, he has a problem. I assume that before you were pg the sex frequency was higher?


Yes, we had sex a lot more frequently before. Obviously, im only 18 and he just turned 20. I think it just dropped so low and he wasn't expecting that.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> This really needs to go to counseling. The CO needs to be contacted.
> 
> You want this to stop OP? It can. You have to take the lead here and get help for you both.


I appreciate everything you are saying, but im not going to put his future in the marine corps in danger because of our problems. He could delay promotion or encourage demotion if he were to act out of conduct. Hes not a "soldier" hes a marine. There's a difference. They have high standards. I wont risk it. His CO will be left out of this.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

God, I just realized you're the same age as my daughter.

Look, you know what I think. I'll leave it at telling you that you're making a huge mistake and that if you were my daughter I'd be yelling some sense into you and NOT standing by and letting you be treated this way.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> I appreciate everything you are saying, but im not going to put his future in the marine corps in danger because of our problems.* He could delay promotion or encourage demotion if he were to act out of conduct. Hes not a "soldier" hes a marine. There's a difference. They have high standards*. I wont risk it. His CO will be left out of this.


Exactly what I was saying earlier. 

You don't really want help. Good luck to you both. Maybe he'll stop all of this on his own.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Porn doesn't equal cheating. Many men and women use it and remain in happy relationships. Some of the folks here are oversensitized to it because of what happened in their relationship. This should be obvious to anyone who takes an objective look at it. 

There is one sure way to end a marriage. Act like his mother and try to control him. Not sexy at all. I guarantee the harder you push him on these two subjects the more underground he will go and the more severe it will get. If your running around trying to catch him in the bathroom or in the car smoking the only thing your accomplishing is the eventual destruction of your marriage. You two are so young. Go to MC and figure out if your values are one the same page or even in the same book.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Porn doesn't equal cheating. Many men and women use it and remain in happy relationships. Some of the folks here are oversensitized to it because of what happened in their relationship. This should be obvious to anyone who takes a objective look at it.
> 
> There is one sure way to end a marriage. Act like his mother and try to control him. Not sexy at all. I guarantee the harder you push him on these two subjects the more underground he will go and the more severe it will get. If your running around trying to catch him in the bathroom or in the car smoking the only thing your accomplishing is the eventual destruction of your marriage. You two are so young. Go to MC and figure out if your values are one the same page or even in the same book.


Thank you. I agree.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> Porn doesn't equal cheating. Many men and women use it and remain in happy relationships. Some of the folks here are oversensitized to it because of what happened in their relationship. This should be obvious to anyone who takes a objective look at it.


HE ISN'T JUST LOOKING AT PORN. HE IS PAYING FOR SEX CHATS. On what planet is that ok?!?!?!?!?!


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't have a problem with porn generally speaking. I have a problem with it when it interferes with my relationship with my H. He shouldn't replace sex with me with porn. That said, he has all he wants from me because I have a high drive. I don't deny him. 

I'm objective about the porn all day long until it's cutting ME off in the bedroom.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> Thank you. I agree.


:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> HE ISN'T JUST LOOKING AT PORN. *HE IS PAYING FOR SEX CHATS* On what planet is that ok?!?!?!?!?!


This wouldn't be okay with me ever.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> HE ISN'T JUST LOOKING AT PORN. HE IS PAYING FOR SEX CHATS. On what planet is that ok?!?!?!?!?!


Its not. And although that is mentally cheating. Just because it led to more in your situation, doesn't mean it will in mine or all others who have this problem.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> You two are so young. *Go to MC *and figure out if your values are one the same page or even in the same book


.

I think you missed this part of Enginerd's post.

GO TO COUNSELING. MC is short for Marriage Counseling.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> .
> 
> I think you missed this part of Enginerd's post.
> 
> GO TO COUNSELING. MC is short for Marriage Counseling.


I didnt miss it, i know what it means, and i know i need to. Despite what you think, i do want help and i do want this resolved. Obviously, thats why im asking for advice. But im not willing to risk his future. Keep in mind he is my husband and i love him. And i would do anything for him. I cant tell his CO.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> I didnt miss it, i know what it means, and i know i need to. Despite what you think, i do want help and i do want this resolved. Obviously, thats why im asking for advice. But im not willing to risk his future. Keep in mind he is my husband and i love him. And i would do anything for him. I cant tell his CO.


I love my husband too, but if he was doing something that hurt us as a family I would do whatever I needed to do to put a stop to it. Part of loving a person is protecting them, even from themselves.

You'll learn. You have a lot of learning to still do. And with a baby coming you'll REALLY feel it sooner than later. You'll need to take some drastic actions out of the love you have for your child and sometimes that SUPERCEDES what you feel for your man. I have 2 kids older than you and I know a few things about life. You two aren't starting out on the right foot AT ALL.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I love my husband too, but if he was doing something that hurt us as a family I would do whatever I needed to do to put a stop to it. Part of loving a person is protecting them, even from themselves.
> 
> You'll learn. You have a lot of learning to still do. And with a baby coming you'll REALLY feel it sooner than later. You'll need to take some drastic actions out of the love you have for your child and sometimes that SUPERCEDES what you feel for your man. I have 2 kids older than you and I know a few things about life. *You two aren't starting out on the right foot AT ALL*.


I know. But id rather try to use the advice ya'll give and try to handle it. I know i should tell his CO and get professional help. But if they were to look into it and he was cheating. He could get kicked out of the marines. And that would ruin our future and our baby's. I just cant risk it.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I just cant risk it


He already is risking it though. He's making these choices every day, not YOU. He's putting his own future (with or without you) in danger. 

Think honey. Think really long and hard about this. Maybe if you brought it to him in this way he will stop on his own. He needs to realize he's putting himself and your family in a bad way and it needs to stop OR you'll go to his CO. Period.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> He already is risking it though. He's making these choices every day, not YOU. He's putting his own future (with or without you) in danger.
> 
> Think honey. Think really long and hard about this. Maybe if you brought it to him in this way he will stop on his own. He needs to realize he's putting himself and your family in a bad way and it needs to stop OR you'll go to his CO. Period.


That's the thing though. I know he is still smoking. But i don't know if he is looking at porn anymore. i haven't found anything. And should i show him this?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

loganelichau said:


> I know. But id rather try to use the advice ya'll give and try to handle it. I know i should tell his CO and get professional help. But *if they were to look into it and he was cheating.* He could get kicked out of the marines. And that would ruin our future and our baby's. I just cant risk it.


OMG. So you're perfectly fine with not knowing if he IS physically cheating on you?!?! He IS cheating. Why do you keep denying that?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wouldn't confront him without solid proof of what he was doing when it comes to the porn and chat sites. The smoking? Ya, that's a tough one. My son smokes and I hate it. I've done the lectures and talked about how it was really a bad habit, but he still does it. Just not in the house. I have a brother that has smoked since he was a teen and the Army amped that up for him big time. Quitting the cigs is really really hard for most people.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

loganelichau said:


> I know. But id rather try to use the advice ya'll give and try to handle it. I know i should tell his CO and get professional help. But if they were to look into it and he was cheating. He could get kicked out of the marines. And that would ruin our future and our baby's. I just cant risk it.


That risk has already been taken by his actions, when he is not even thinking about you or the baby. He is acting selfish and he needs help. Talk to him tonight about getting help for these problems and tell him, if he does not go to his CO, then you will. It is better to find out what your husband is up to now instead of learning about things down the road. He very well may be physically cheating on you and that puts your health and the baby's health at risk(STDs/STIs). Think about yourself and the baby, and make sure you actually get help for these problems. It is not okay to say it's "too much of a risk"... it's too much of a risk to not do anything.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Im not trying to "confront" him about anything, not really. He knows we have all these problems and that i am paranoid about him doing stuff. I just dont know how to get it all out and talk to him about it. Thats why i thought maybe since i wrote it all out, showing him this would be a good way to do it.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

loganelichau said:


> Im not trying to "confront" him about anything, not really. He knows we have all these problems and that i am paranoid about him doing stuff. I just dont know how to get it all out and talk to him about it. Thats why i thought maybe since i wrote it all out, showing him this would be a good way to do it.


No, that would not be a good idea. You have to just talk to him, not matter how hard it may be for you. If you are hesitant, think about what you want to say and write it down on paper. Briefly bring up the issues you are having and then talk about how you want to have a good marriage and want him to get help. Then make sure it actually happens... that he gets help. If you sit there in fear(that he might get kicked out of the Marines or something else), then you will never solve these problems. It's time to step up to the plate and work on these problems.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

I tried the other night. I cant talk to him about it. All i got out was about how he treats me and lies to me. And that we it and i felt horrible and was just bawling my eyes out. And just apologized to him later. Showing him this is the only way its all gonna come out. I am scared for him to know everything ive been thinking, but he needs to know.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

loganelichau said:


> I tried the other night. I cant talk to him about it. All i got out was about how he treats me and lies to me. And that we it and i felt horrible and was just bawling my eyes out. And just apologized to him later. Showing him this is the only way its all gonna come out. I am scared for him to know everything ive been thinking, but he needs to know.


Multiple people have already told you it is a bad idea and I hope you think about that, really take it to heart. I know you are 18, but it's time to grow up right now and deal with this. You can't hide behind the computer to do the talking for you and don't apologize to your husband for bringing up issues that bother you. He's watching porn online against your wishes, hiding his smoking habits, and lying to you. That is NOT okay. As I said before, write down a brief outline on paper of what you want to say to him, so that way you make sure to say everything you need to/want to say. Don't allow your husband to manipulate you or make you feel like the "bad guy".


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> Multiple people have already told you it is a bad idea and I hope you think about that, really take it to heart. I know you are 18, but it's time to grow up right now and deal with this. You can't hide behind the computer to do the talking for you and don't apologize to your husband for bringing up issues that bother you. He's watching porn online against your wishes, hiding his smoking habits, and lying to you. That is NOT okay. As I said before, write down a brief outline on paper of what you want to say to him, so that way you make sure to say everything you need to/want to say. Don't allow your husband to manipulate you or make you feel like the "bad guy".


Okay. Well. Thank you for your time and advice.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

loganelichau said:


> Okay. Well. Thank you for your time and advice.


Good luck. Hope it goes well.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'd tell him, "Since I'm too tired for you (and this is never going to improve if you are this tired NOW!) and don't want to have sex, you can look at porn and jack off but no more sex chat. I want you to quit smoking for obvious reasons but I can't make you. I'm going to start having a life outside of my husband and his body functions, and since I'm not working I will take care of the household." Period. 

Then do it. 

On the other hand. More sex could equal less porn. You said if you want something he tries to make you owe him sex. AND you said that since you did something sexual that he wanted that he is doing the dishes. Not only are you witholding sex, you are bartering with it... just the same as he is. Maybe make the announcement "No more bartering"...sex should be loving and fun and maybe sometimes downright raunchy.... not a bartering tool tho. 

And really, too tired for sex? I mean how hard is it? It all feels good once you get close and get into it... I don't understand "too tired for sex". The next five months are going to suck for him then.... and then, there will be "the baby". We can't have sex, I have a baby to take care of. 

I think you have to mature some. No reason for a non-working 18 year old to be tired... even when pregnant. Might be something to whine, I mean TALK to the doctor about. 

Back off of H, get yourself figured out. 

And if sex is made into something negative at your house, then of course he is going to pleasure himself. Stop trying to catch him at it. If you don't want sex, then you should be happy that he is doing himself!


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> I'd tell him, "Since I'm too tired for you (and this is never going to improve if you are this tired NOW!) and don't want to have sex, you can look at porn and jack off but no more sex chat. I want you to quit smoking for obvious reasons but I can't make you. I'm going to start having a life outside of my husband and his body functions, and since I'm not working I will take care of the household." Period.
> 
> Then do it.
> 
> ...


My whole main point to this forum is about the porn. No matter why or when he is doing it, it hurts. How can he tell me i'm beautiful and no girl compares, etc, etc. When he is looking at grown, mature, beautiful naked women online. I've had self esteem problems my whole life, and he tries to convince me that i am beautiful, but i never believe it because i've seen the kind of women that he looks at and thinks are beautiful. I want the porn gone. period.

Also, i'm not trying to withhold sex from him. And it is never that i don't WANT to have sex with him. I love him and i'm attracted to him and i love making love to him.

My reasons for not having sex are 
1: We do too much that day and i'm tired. 
2: I'm not in the mood or have the urge. (libido is supposed to be returning though)
3: I'm scared.

Yeah, i admit it. I'm scared. I forgot to mention it to other members. I am constantly scared that when we are making love that he is imaging other women from the photos or videos he has watched.

This porn problem has taken over my life and all i think about is if he is looking at porn or other women or imaging them. If it was once or twice and he promised to stop and did stop. it wouldn't be a problem. And i would trust him and not worry.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Then read the posts about guys and porn. Most of the guys say it's just extra visual crap to jerk off to. NOT a replacement. NOT even wanting something different. Just visual junk. 

You can't control what other people do. You can only control how you react. You make it sound like you have no control over yourself, but he should have more control over himself. 

IF porn is a deal breaker for you.... then get a job and prepare to confront him and divorce. You can't have it both ways.


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

I would almost guarantee that his porn viewing has nothing at all to do with you or your sex life and no matter how many times he will tell you it does, it doesn't. I would also guess that he watches porn because he wants to, not because you do not 'give him' enough. 

Every man that I have ever met that looked at porn, did it WAY before they met their wives, so wives you are NOT to "blame" for this. Many men were taught that it was okay for them to do this because society has accept it as a norm and they do not care how it effects their partners. They were told that women were insecure if they did not agree with it, which is quite a fail safe for pushing an agenda if you ask me. 

My marriage counselor told me that online porn is the 'new addiction' along with video games and it is growing exponentially. It is sad really. This is something I have personal first hand experience with and I fell into this trap before it became popular. 

As for his cigarette smoking, to get him more interested in the E-cig and its many benefits, check out some of the movies on youtube of people making their own e-juice and e-cigs. The first e-cigs that we got were crap compared to the mods and being able to customize your own e-juice flavor is amazing. There are recipe books online on how to make the different flavors of your choice. Maybe that will get him back into trying them. Remember, you cannot force someone to stop an addiction, you can only help them by giving them support, but do not enable them. Good luck!


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

anony2 said:


> I would almost guarantee that his porn viewing has nothing at all to do with you or your sex life and no matter how many times he will tell you it does, it doesn't. I would also guess that he watches porn because he wants to, not because you do not 'give him' enough.
> 
> Every man that I have ever met that looked at porn, did it WAY before they met their wives, so wives you are NOT to "blame" for this. Many men were taught that it was okay for them to do this because society has accept it as a norm and they do not care how it effects their partners. They were told that women were insecure if they did not agree with it, which is quite a fail safe for pushing an agenda if you ask me.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. That is probably the best advice i got all day. I'll definitely look into it.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> I'd tell him, "Since I'm too tired for you (and this is never going to improve if you are this tired NOW!) and don't want to have sex, you can look at porn and jack off but no more sex chat. I want you to quit smoking for obvious reasons but I can't make you. I'm going to start having a life outside of my husband and his body functions, and since I'm not working I will take care of the household." Period.
> 
> Then do it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Choose one fight. Deal with the sex issue first. He can quit smoking when he's ready - the rule is he doesn't do it around you or the baby.

And trying to catch him masturbating is juvenile. Do YOU masturbate? You should. Maybe you wouldn't be so uptight. You're making him feel guilty for something that is natural. 

It's only going to get harder because a baby is going to zap any semblance of energy from you you may have had so buck up. You chose to be a grown up - now act like one.


----------



## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

Respectfully, its easy for people online and outside the military to say that going to his co or forcing him into formal military counseling is the best course of action, but the Marines have a very specific culture and it really could hurt his career. 

That said, if he commits to stopping with the porn and doesn't that's an addiction. There are other resources to help you. There are excellent support groups and non-profits designed to help military spouses and I would look into them. There are other ways to find help and I would find someone (or a group) familiar with your specific situation.


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

loganelichau said:


> My whole main point to this forum is about the porn. No matter why or when he is doing it, it hurts. How can he tell me i'm beautiful and no girl compares, etc, etc. When he is looking at grown, mature, beautiful naked women online. I've had self esteem problems my whole life, and he tries to convince me that i am beautiful, but i never believe it because i've seen the kind of women that he looks at and thinks are beautiful. I want the porn gone. period.
> 
> Also, i'm not trying to withhold sex from him. And it is never that i don't WANT to have sex with him. I love him and i'm attracted to him and i love making love to him.
> 
> ...


What you are describing above is the same thing that the people that have had cheating spouses may experience, it is called 'mental movies'. What happens is when our brain doesn't have a full picture of what is going on, our imagination tends to fill the gaps with all sorts of movies. You are not secure in the relationship or his commitment to you, so these are the images that play in your mind. 

I would suggest that you talk to him about this and ask him if this is what he does. I had a long playing mental movie of my husband of the time when I was in the hospital having a miscarriage. I imagined that he was in the other bed thinking of the woman that he had just told me that he had a crush on. Every time I thought of this, it broke my heart. My justification of never asking him if this is what he was doing was because I was afraid that the answer would have been yes. I was wrong.


----------



## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> This wouldn't be okay with me ever.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

loganelichau said:


> Its not. And although that is mentally cheating. Just because it led to more in your situation, doesn't mean it will in mine or all others who have this problem.


 Chances are that it will. He will be looking for more and when porn and sex chats are no longer good enough, it will escalate to him meeting woman off sex sites. I am not saying it will happen, i am only saying that it more then likely will.

You wanted help, and the people who have posted have given you very good advice. It is your choice to take it or leave it. They want to help you, they have been through it.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> ShawnD Even if it did cause a miscarriage, who cares? Just have another one. This is really not that complicated.


This has to be the most heartless thing I've ever heard anyone say to a pregnant woman, and about the most disgusting thing I've ever read on this forum.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> YOU should let his CO know about his behavior. It's not becoming of an officer. He has a standard to uphold as a soldier.
> 
> If you aren't willing to go there, then you really don't want help.


Bad advice!
I hate when I see people getting told to go to Command.
Keep your personal life separate, don't go running to your husband's boss to tattle, they really don't care.
It could hurt his career, which in turn will affect you & your family. 

To the OP, contact Military One Source, you can get 12 FREE therapy sessions & best of all it's annonymous.
http://www.militaryonesource.mil/MOS/f?p=MOS:CONTENT:0::::SV,UT,LG,CID,TID,COHE:Army
There are a ton of free therapy programs geared to military members & their families, even Tri Care offers therapy.


----------



## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> This has to be the most heartless thing I've ever heard anyone say to a pregnant woman, and about the most disgusting thing I've ever read on this forum.


As a catholic, I take offense to this. I'm trying to follow God's Law, and people rip on me like I'm the worst person in the world. Also, you'll have a heart attack if you learn how often miscarriages happen.
Miscarriage Statistics


> Sources vary, but many estimate that approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage; and some estimates are as high as 1 in 3.


Thank God most people don't care if they have a miscarriage. Our society would be severely damaged if 1/4 of all pregnant women became extremely depressed due to miscarriages.

Don't worry, the bible says fetus death is not a big deal:


> If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. And if any mischief follow, then thou shalt give life for life.
> -- Exodus 21:22-23


This needs to be read in context. The punishment for gathering sticks on the sabbath is death, but the punishment for causing a miscarriage is negotiable. Having a miscarriage is not a big deal. God will be more angry if you work overtime on sunday.

It's even less of a big deal if the dead fetus was female:


> And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver. -- Leviticus 27:6


So the value of a human male between the age of 1 month and 5 years is 5 shekels. The value of a female between 1 month and 5 years is 3 shekels. Babies less than 1 month old are completely worthless, and you can throw them in the garbage if you want. To put this in context, the fine for raping a woman is 50 shekels. 

That punishment for causing a miscarriage only applies sometimes.


> And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. -- Numbers 31:15-17


You can't get pregnant unless you know men, so it's totally cool to kill pregnant women in some cases. 

Miscarriage and baby murder is also totally cool if the OP is not religious.


> Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
> -- Hosea 13:16


Another cause of miscarriage that we often forget is saying things that offend God.


> Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die.
> -- 2 Samuel 12:14


It's also cool to force a miscarriage if the woman is not married.


> Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by *****dom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt.
> -- Genesis 38:24


I trust my bible as much as I trust my God. If it says don't worry about miscarriage, then I'm forced to believe it. I can't pick and choose parts of the bible I want to follow. I could do that on my own, without any religious affiliation.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> This has to be the most heartless thing I've ever heard anyone say to a pregnant woman, and about the most disgusting thing I've ever read on this forum.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: And it pisses me off to hear someone here say that


----------



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Seriously? He is a horny and fit 20 year old. He has MASSIVE primal urges. His primary focal point (the wife) is no longer playing, and he is using porn to substitute. The only thing I see as remotely wrong in all this is that he is on interactive porn-sites.... Think about it, if he were cheating, you think he would need the constant release from masturbation to porn?!?

He has some tact to learn, but you really need to be careful right now, as he sees constant rejections to his advances and this will create resentments, and these generally fester and grow. Not pretty.

Good luck.


----------



## MillionDollarBrideToBe (Nov 7, 2012)

loganelichau said:


> Not yet. We don't really have the time or money for that. And i really don't want to have to do that. I wanted to try to fix this between us. I just needed a little outside help and advice on how to handle it.


Sometime you need help... if you really need, money won't be a stop....


----------



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Oh, and Hope, you are projecting so badly you need your own cinema!


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Every man who looks at porn does not have an addiction or cheat. That may be some people's experience - doesn't mean it's his.
> 
> I don't get why being pregnant (and only 5 months) would make for discomfort. In fact you should be hitting the super horny part and getting out of the tired all the time part.


To be fair.... When I was pregnant I never once had the desire to do anything sexual, I was nausious through the entire thing, uncomfortable, among many other things buut I had alot of stress I had to deal with. Also... Despite not desiring sex during pregnancy... Afterwards I went back up to wanting it all the time so not all women continue to have no desire when the baby comes. 

Another thing, the chats he should do away with imo. The porn.... Give the guy a break on that. He needs some kind of release. If your able.. Watch it with him. Stop trying to "catch" him masterbating. That is immature as another poster said. 

Cut him some slack on the smoking issue as well. Its not easy for smokers to quit. If he has a slip up just tell him its ok and you hope he does better the next time. 

I do have to disagree with ShawnD on a miscarriage being no big deal. It may not be to some, but to others it is and thats perfectly fine. We all have different povs in areas like this so there is really no right or wrong except on a personal note. 

Oh and lastly.... Try to follow through with doing things you say your going to do. It is messed up to say you will have sex.. Then tell him later that you wont.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Smoking is incredibly hard to quit. Especially when your deep in the habit and others smoke around you. He only can quit for himself. This I wouldn't be so upset about. I would want him to quit though.

I do understand why he's getting upset with you. Like the earlier poster said, don't promise him something your unwilling to do later on. It's a HUGE disappointment for him. It hurts deep down inside too.

He's using porn as an outlet because he is a high drive/testosterone man. Some people see it as a bad thing while others don't. If your too tired to have full blown sex, try to please him in other ways. Give him oral or a HJ a few days a week. Ask him to quit or cut back on the porn. Once this baby comes, you may even be less interested in sex, especially if you plan on nursing.

Are you working outside the home? I'm a SAHM and my husband rarely does any housework. He works very hard outside the home providing for us. However, this is okay with me. If something doesn't get done(which isn't very often), we don't get upset.

I do believe marriage is definitely savable at this point. You both need to work on things. Once this baby comes, your going to be a lot more exhausted the first 3 months or so then you are now. Raising little ones is not easy. I have 3 of my own, one is grown and out of the house. I had her young at your age. Having a child at 19 was very hard. My first marriage did not last. My ex h was cheating with other women. I became a single parent at 20. 

Marriage counseling would really help you both. I would look into it right away. You both need to start working on your marriage and make it your number one priority. The porn chat needs to stop immediately. He should not be talking at other women even if they are not responding back. That is crossing the boundaries. Do these sites cost money? I've never heard of them before. If he's on chat sites conversing with other women(them typing back) and having cybersex, this is cheating. 

Good luck with everything.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> ShawnD: As a catholic, I take offense to this.


As a Christian you should know better than to try to hurt a pregnant young woman with callous remarks.


----------



## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Does this guy even know how much problems you have with him watching porn? I'd assume that he knows he's doing something wrong with the sexchat thing as there are very, very few people who are okay with their partner doing that sort of stuff behind their back. But it seems that a lot of guys are either really oblivious to the pain they cause their partner because of their porn habit or are faking the innocence to make themselves look better. I've always known it was a painful issue with woman and I wasn't suprised mine didn't like it either.

Either way I'd say it's a bad idea to quit porn and smoking cold turkey at the same time. I personally think porn is more dangerous as he's upping it to personal interaction levels and it obviously hurts you a lot.

People are only going to willingly quit stuff if they actually believe in quitting stuff. I still smoke but I'm happily reducing my amount of cigarettes currently and I have planned to stop within two weeks. My last quitting attempt lasted from end of April 2012 till end of August 2012. Not perfect I know, but at least I feel motived to it again. I want to stop - it costs me money and my health. 

I've never actually wanted to quit porn but did so begrudgingly because it makes my girlfriend feel insecure and cheated on. Hence I hated quitting porn much more then quitting cigarettes. Bottomline: if you want to have people really quit the things they enjoy then they should want it for themselves. Otherwise it's always going to be hard and tiring. 

Maybe you should just point him out how you are specifically feeling about this issue? Perhaps he does find an inner reason to quit porn or smoking?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Phenix70 said:


> Bad advice!
> I hate when I see people getting told to go to Command.
> Keep your personal life separate, don't go running to your husband's boss to tattle, they really don't care.
> It could hurt his career, which in turn will affect you & your family.
> ...


Thanks for the resource. 

The very first thing I suggested in this thread was counseling. They need the help.

And I get the possible ramifications of hurting his career if his CO knew the extent of his problems. That said... the OP's H doesn't seem to understand them enough to do something about it in his relationship. If you stood to lose so much, would you make these types of decisions? It's not smart.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Okay. Ya'll are getting way out of had with this.

What ShawnD said about miscarriages, that was extremely rude and careless. Obviously i know its a possibility, but we happen to love this baby and don't want to lose it. What you said was just disgusting.

I also think everyone is missing some info about the sex. We do still have sex. When i first got pregnant, no. I got a kidney stone when i was about 7 weeks pregnant. and before then i was feeling extremely sick. It took me over a month to pass it but as the pain and symptoms were at a come and go, sometimes i thought i had passed it, so towards the end of the month we started having sex again.

While we are still having sex, obviously it has gone down. I am starting to want it more, but i cant always do it. My pregnancy has risks. I'm (technically) underweight. I always have been just because of my metabolism. But that doesn't cause problems. But i am very petite. So where most women are usually doing fine at this point, i'm getting a lot of pains. and I get horrible abdomen pains when we make love depending on how long it goes and position. With all this is also makes me worry about the baby.

But like i said, we don't have a sexless marriage. Ya'll seem to thing i'm withholding all sex from him and that's why he is doing this. When it's simply i just cant put out enough right now. I do try though.

I am more aware of what my promises that i end up breaking cause. Like i said before, its not on purpose. But i've learned how to be negotiable and say no when i need to. And to follow through when i need to. In my situation, its just not something to plan. if at the end of the day we both feel up to it, then is when to do it. Because i cant guarantee how i will feel at the end of the day.

On the smoking issue. Before he tried the ecigs, he said he was trying to stop. And he was. He cut down on how much he smoked and how often. He was working on it. I had no problem with that. I was happy because he was trying. It was when he made me think he was completely off real cigs and did it behind my back that made me mad. Luckily work has been busy so he has only had time for one in the morning. I have no problem with it, as long as he is trying and not lying to me.

Also, back to another rude thing ShawnD said. No, he is not retarded. He said he started smoking the real cigs again because the ecigs aren't the same. he got a lower nicotine level than he is used to. And he was really stressed out at work and it wasn't helping him.

Okay. Now most of you will be mad about this, but after thinking it over i felt it was the right think to do. I showed him this site. I asked him to read my post, and said he didn't have to read the replies. But there were a few that i wanted to show him.

When i showed him this he just fell to my arms and just could speak. He laid in my lap for a while as i explained a few more things. And then finally i asked him to sit up so we could actually talk and so i could show him some replies.

He is not cheating on me. He went through all the reasons why because of the marines he couldn't and the reasons why even if he could, he wouldn't. I don't want anymore talk about him physically cheating on me. At the moment he is not and like i tried to explain, he cant. His friend almost got kicked out because they claimed he was trying to get this chick to cheat on her husband, when in reality they were just friends. I know him and he would never do that. Now they aren't even able to speak to each other. The marines are always watching. They cant do anything. While ya'll may disagree, i don't want anymore talk about it. I want to focus on the actual problems.

Also, the porn chat site. I failed to mention. It was two times and it was back in July before i got here. he hasn't done it since. He did admit to me that he is watching porn in the bathroom and that he is trying to stop.

Its something that he got into and used to do before we were together, and i knew that, i just thought it had stopped. He said he wants to stop and he knows how much it hurts me, and he is trying.

We still have some more talking to do, and i am aware i have some work to do also. And please, when you are posting on here. Remember the guy we are talking about isn't some random person, he is my husband and i love him. You are supposed to be giving me advice on how to help my marriage, not call my husband names and tear him to pieces. Please don't be rude, all I want is some help.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, I'm glad you and your H have managed to talk about this.

You're both young and those who use porn often haven't got a clue as to the real reasons why their partners are unhappy with it; often thinking that they're simply insecure / jealous and need to "get over it." Of course it goes a lot deeper than that, and I'm glad that you and your H are managing to communicate about it.

The early stages of pregnancy can be difficult for some, and I hope you're feeling healthier and more energetic soon.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OP, I'm glad you and your H have managed to talk about this.
> 
> You're both young and those who use porn haven't got a clue as to the real reasons why their partners are unhappy with it; often thinking that they're simply insecure and need to "get over it." Of course it goes a lot deeper than that, and I'm glad that you and your H are managing to communicate about.


Thank you. And i should have thought a little harder about all this because thinking back, he has told me before (about both) that he wants to and is trying to stop. It was just the lying and secrets that made it worse along with a few other things.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

loganelichau said:


> Thank you. And i should have thought a little harder about all this because thinking back, he has told me before (about both) that he wants to and is trying to stop. It was just the lying and secrets that made it worse along with a few other things.


Yes, I can see that the lying and secrecy would get your mind working overtime - particularly being pregnant! But it's all out in the open, now, and I hope you both manage to work things out 

Of course sex is important in any relationship (and hopefully that will get back on track once you're feeling well enough), but when we're pregnant we're also in need of a good dose of TLC and reassurance from our spouses.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Yes, I can see that the lying and secrecy would get your mind working overtime - particularly being pregnant! But it's all out in the open, now, and I hope you both manage to work things out
> 
> Of course sex is important in any relationship (and hopefully that will get back on track once you're feeling well enough), but when we're pregnant we're also in need of a good dose of TLC and reassurance from our spouses.


Haha. I completely agree. I think thats one of our problems too. Right now he has soo much marine stuff going on and my pregnancy stuff and all this other stuff that we dont have much free time and, to be honest, we dont really pamper ourselves or each other for that matter. And thank you again. Im sure it will be a little awkward and rough for a few days, but we will keep working on it. Neither of us want to lose each other.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

loganelichau said:


> Haha. I completely agree. I think thats one of our problems too. Right now he has soo much marine stuff going on and my pregnancy stuff and all this other stuff that we dont have much free time and, to be honest, we dont really pamper ourselves or each other for that matter. And thank you again. Im sure it will be a little awkward and rough for a few days, but we will keep working on it. Neither of us want to lose each other.


Yes, that's a lot of responsibility for a young man of his age.

When you do get free time together, try to make it really count - rather like Date Night. Bring out the candles, plan special meals together and give one another some reassuring massages?


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Yes, that's a lot of responsibility for a young man of his age.
> 
> When you do get free time together, try to make it really count - rather like Date Night. Bring out the candles, plan special meals together and give one another some reassuring massages?


I agree. And I admit, i'm not making it much easier. I have my problems with the pregnancy, but I just have to work with my body. I can definitely do more than I am currently. And we really do need more one on one time and romance in our lives. And some stress free time. Looks like I have some work to do!


----------



## LearningLifeQDay (Oct 20, 2012)

"He has no free time where he could cheat? Are you with him 24/7? You have NO idea to what lengths cheaters go to cover their tracks." Hope1964's right on the nose...A person who's driven will always find the time to fulfull their goal be it recreational, work related, addictive, or whatever. So, please don't be to complacent and assume he has no time.
You don't have a problem (from what you say), he has problems. Hold fast. If you give him an inch he'll take a foot, etc. Do you do many activities together? Take his hand and say, "Let's go do this tonight..." There's more to life than sex...You married young and that's very hard on a marriage. We, men and women, are constantly bombarded with shows and images with sexual overtones. Temptation's so hard to resist. (I'm not condescending, because I'm doing my best to sort out my own issues.) Please do activities to occupy the time he'd be using to relieve himself. That's a part of caring. Hopefully, he's smart enough to see beyond his own needs and can see how much these issues are hurting you and the marriage.


----------



## loganelichau (Nov 6, 2012)

LearningLifeQDay said:


> "He has no free time where he could cheat? Are you with him 24/7? You have NO idea to what lengths cheaters go to cover their tracks." Hope1964's right on the nose...A person who's driven will always find the time to fulfull their goal be it recreational, work related, addictive, or whatever. So, please don't be to complacent and assume he has no time.
> You don't have a problem (from what you say), he has problems. Hold fast. If you give him an inch he'll take a foot, etc. Do you do many activities together? Take his hand and say, "Let's go do this tonight..." There's more to life than sex...You married young and that's very hard on a marriage. We, men and women, are constantly bombarded with shows and images with sexual overtones. Temptation's so hard to resist. (I'm not condescending, because I'm doing my best to sort out my own issues.) Please do activities to occupy the time he'd be using to relieve himself. That's a part of caring. Hopefully, he's smart enough to see beyond his own needs and can see how much these issues are hurting you and the marriage.


I have explained why he cant cheat. You all dont know what the military life is like, especially when you are married. No, im not with him 24/7, but when im not with him tons of other people are. I said no more on the cheating subject. He has a porn problem that he is working on, not a cheating problem.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think your on the right track now. Getting the government or military more involved in your private life is beyond stupid. Anyone who suggests otherwise is clueless about the consequences and doesn't realize that the government/military doesn't have your best interests in mind. Their rules and regulations are designed to sustain their control over you. Keep talking to your husband and things may work out. 

Peace


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I think your on the right track now. *Getting the government or military more involved in your private life is beyond stupid. Anyone who suggests otherwise is clueless about the consequences and doesn't realize that the government/military doesn't have your best interests in mind*. Their rules and regulations are designed to sustain their control over you. Keep talking to your husband and things may work out.
> 
> Peace


Got it. Thanks for driving the point home for me though. I needed to hear it just one more time.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I think you have blown these problems way out of proportion. In all honesty I think these are your problems, not his. If his porn viewing is affecting your sex life then yes it is a problem but it isn't, he still wants to have sex with you and you said you are still having sex.

You haven't been married long and are too young IMO to think that he has changed since you married him. He obviously likes porn and that isn't unusual. You don't like it because you have self esteem issues. That isn't an issue of porn watching. I don't care what he tells you he will watch porn again. He may cut back significantly but if you expect him to never watch it again you are mistaken.

The more you dictate to him what he can and cannot do the more he will start to feel as though he can't be himself around you and has to hide things. He needs to be able to communicate with you, even about porn without you becoming judgmental or angry. You don't have to like it but he has to know that he doesn't have to change who he is.

I think you should get IC for your self esteem issues. Once you feel better about yourself you may be able to find a certain level of acceptability with the porn. Once the baby comes your self esteem is probably going to only get worse so I would highly suggest to get into counseling now and try to head some of that off.


----------



## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

You can't 'fix' self-esteem issues concerning porn through inner counceling. Maybe you can convince someone to pretend to themselves that they don't care but sooner or later they're going to realize that it's not who they really are.

Either it just changes over the course of time or it doesn't.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> HE ISN'T JUST LOOKING AT PORN. HE IS PAYING FOR SEX CHATS. On what planet is that ok?!?!?!?!?!


:iagree:

Once you cross the line and begin interacting with other women online for sex, it's not the same. Porn is viewing something already out there - this is direct, one one one interaction and it is a step in progression.

Typically, someone who has addictive tendencies starts off with regular porn, then interactive web cams, then that isn't enough and starts looking for one on one interaction.

I'm with Hope - you're the same age as my youngest daughter and I would be livid if this were her situation. He should be doting on you as the mother of his unborn child. This should still be the honeymoon phase of your marriage.

You mention not being able to afford counseling but I'm pretty sure the Corp benefits cover this. If not, maybe he can carve out some of his porn and cigarette budget. 

I'm not trying to be mean or harsh - just direct. Consider this going on for another 10 years, with a child you're raising AND these issues. Is that something you can live with?


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Quitting smoking is very hard! I have tried many many times, and sad to say i never kicked the habit. Also spent a lot of money on e-cigs, but it was missing something. He really has to want to quite and sometimes that is not enough, even then.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> As a Christian you should know better than to try to hurt a pregnant young woman with callous remarks.


morals dont come from being religious.


----------



## amata (Nov 8, 2012)

I think you should monitor it. There are phone monitoring apps you can install with GPS, text message and call monitoring, you can see photos, etc. They are nice to have to get answers and stop the paranoia. You just have to be patient and only expose him (hopefully never happens) when it is enough evidence that they can not weasel their way out of. I had a small problem, and actually talked to the girl he was hanging out with on an official military trip pat the local bar, and she confirmed that absolutely nothing happened, and that is because she did not let it happen but that he acted very friendly. I did what I had to, and I think that he thought he was going to get away. I had suspicions before but could never prove anything, and this time I listened to my gut and followed through with things that I never had the nerve to do before. It took courage for me to not sweep it under the rug and say that I am being paranoid. I was also pregnant, and proud that I handled it calmly without yelling, which I think it is important to keep your cool, especially for the baby. But I would address this issue, as exposing that you know about the behavior and are concerned that it will escalate can help bring awareness from him too maybe. I used to be bothered by porn and alone time, but I understand its a part of his nature. 

I also was firm that if I found out any funny business happened or ever will happen, that I would not tolerate it, and move out of state to my mother's and that he could pretty much guarentee his kid would be raised by another man (pretty harsh, huh?). He was in tears, so either he is a good actor, or he is really sorry, for now. But I know people can get back in their own habits, so I have that handy little phone spy app, and if he says he is somewhere with the guys or at a work function, I check the GPS and texts and calls for weird numbers and compare it to his story. Good Luck, and hope it all works out.


----------



## amata (Nov 8, 2012)

BTW, I am planning on going to counseling for these issues, as even though I think we are good, this definitely caused cracks because I hate having to check to see if what he says is true. I want to go for my own personal issues too. 

So one day I will expose this fact to him I think, as I could see him saying that he understands why I did it, and he is open about being transparent about his credit card charges, phone logs, etc. He doesn't even deny watching porn if I ask him if he's watched any good ones recently. But aside from that, He has been an excellent father, strong partner, and good friend, so I think that guys can redeem themselves, but it is by action. I also feel pressure that we have to keep it interesting for them too, which includes mind, body and soul.


----------

