# Need Advice on Spouse's Friend



## zimmcomm (Sep 21, 2015)

Hi,

We met a couple that moved in down the street about 2 years ago. I noticed some weird things. Where I live it is a huge swingers city which is a problem for me. So I noticed that the other woman would make comments to my wife about kissing , hanging out in the spa , touching etc.. I told my wife and her response is she didn't notice anything. We then had a discussion and my wife said she won't do anything until something happens. I wasn't happy with the response but of course I just dealt with it. I even said if it happens I will not ever hang out with them again. When there is a block party or any event where they are at I am in a foul mood before and after. 

Ok here comes the excitement, We were out a few weeks ago with them and one of our really good friends. I guess a comment from the so called swinger about threesomes. I didn't really get involved but my wife's friend just basically said that it will never never happen and none of us will do that. I thought that was good. So my wife goes to the bathroom and I am sitting down and the "swinger" decides to make comments about my ass and decides to grab my ass and then start caressing my leg. I took her hand off and moved. I didn't say anything as I didn't want to start a war. So the next day I tell my wife and she tells me that now since it happened she will talk to her. You would think my wife would be upset about what she did to me. She showed very little emotion. I never even got an apology from my wife about her friend. So we have been fighting for over a week now and why should we. This is not my fault , what did I do?

What it seems like is my wife doesn't want to loose her friend since her best friend is moving away. I need some advice? I want to know whether I am right or wrong and how to fix this. I have no problem being wrong and if I am I owe her an apology.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I don't see you doing anything wrong. However, why do you need your wife to apologize for the actions of her friend?

How is everything else in your marriage? Are you concerned your wife may be giving the "swingers" ideas more thought without letting it on to you?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So basically you're mad at your wife for under-reacting.


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## zimmcomm (Sep 21, 2015)

The reason for the apology is because my wife's attitude has been horrible and she has been in a crazy mood all week. I think it is a big deal that she wants me to still hang oiut with them and my wife wants to have her as a friend after doing this to me. I think it's crazy for us to hang out with someone that had no problem rubbing my leg up and down and grabbing my ass. Oh BTW she doesn't remember most of the night. I think thats BS

The only thing we have problems with in our marriage is her engaging in sex. If I don't engage we would never have sex. This has been going on for awhile and she keeps telling me she will try. I see no effort on her part.


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## zimmcomm (Sep 21, 2015)

No more really she thinks we should hang out with these people. Why should I waste my time with people in their mid 40's act like this? I don't have time for people like this.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Do you think maybe she really wants to swing?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

If her friend hit on you I think it is unacceptable for you guys to still hang out with them. There has to be something else there that your wife is willing to just blow it off. Does she not believe you, has she explained to you why it is not a big deal?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you need to take the higher road for the moment, this is what i would call a first offense , with her supposedly not recalling the event...okay let it slide but just be a little more aware the next time and also DON'T EVER ALLOW YOUR WIFE with both of them alone....if your not there she is not to go out with her girlfriend and husband...


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## zimmcomm (Sep 21, 2015)

I really don't think my wife wants too!!! Even if they are not swingers I still feel she steps over the line.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Cletus said:


> Do you think maybe she really wants to swing?


This is what I was thinking. Maybe she had her friend test you knowingly when she stepped away ... If it worked great for her, if not she would just plead ignorance


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## zimmcomm (Sep 21, 2015)

Do I trust the wife? When she drinks she is a trainwreck


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## zimmcomm (Sep 21, 2015)

The wife said to me that this is how she is and she won't do it again. THe other thing is when we were talking about this my Wife blurted out that this is the only friend that likes to have fun and are very similar outside the swinging and bull**** and my best friend is moving out of state. To keep a friend just to keep someone is nuts


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## zimmcomm (Sep 21, 2015)

You think I should have my wife hang out with her alone? I think if this is causing a huge strain on our marriage why should we be around these people unless there is something I don't know


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## zimmcomm (Sep 21, 2015)

Xenote said:


> I think you need to take the higher road for the moment, this is what i would call a first offense , with her supposedly not recalling the event...okay let it slide but just be a little more aware the next time and also DON'T EVER ALLOW YOUR WIFE with both of them alone....if your not there she is not to go out with her girlfriend and husband...


You think I should have my wife hang out with her alone? I think if this is causing a huge strain on our marriage why should we be around these people unless there is something I don't know


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I think her allowing a toxic friendship is a hugh issue, without the OW making advances on you. It screams she is either increadible naive, or does not value her marriage. Toxic friends are like a slow acting acid that rot a marriage from the inside out. 

Have you ever bluntly confronted her and asked her why she never initiates sex, does she want you to fck her friend? Does She think so little of you that she thinks nobody in their right mind would want a romp in the sack with you? 

When a spouse shows so little reaction to this situation it is a hugh red flag for trouble ahead. Read the 180 and implement where appropriate. To avoid future disaster make this the hill you live or die on. She will claim you are making a mountain out of a mole hill -your not. She will claim you are controlling (I don't know if true, could be) but you have the right to respond to another's actions.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. The best thing I can tell you is to keep a close eye on this couple and on your wife. You can't lock your wife up in the house forever. 

You know your wife better than we do so you'll know if something is out of kilter. Where was this other woman's husband when this took place and did he say anything?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Zimcomm, I'm with you all the way. Your spouse is insisting that you two hang out with another couple that you always had your doubts with.

The wife does something to you that is totally unacceptable that your wife either does not want to believe or to deal with. 

If I insisted that my husband and I hang out with someone who ultimately does something weird and unacceptable, I would be apologizing. But I have noticed that apologies are hard to get.

That couple sounds very toxic. If your wife does not see it, I would start contemplating your exit strategy.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hmmmmmmm, your wife has a gf that likes to swing.

This woman sits beside you, grabs your bum, puts her hand on your leg and moves up......if you wouldn't of moved over to stop this, she would of had her hand in your pants and maybe oral sex? All before your wife came back......

This other woman talks sexy and flirty to your wife. About kissing, touching, , etc...sex......

You tell your wife about this and she doesn't get mad.


I would find new friends because sooner or later, this other woman will party with your wife, they will both drink, get tipsy, party and then this other woman will suddenly kiss her and put her hands on her and your wife may not stop her because she is tipsy. Sex happens between your wife and this other woman.

And then she'll say, I'm confused and need some time alone and I'm staying at their place for a while......


I'm just saying, this is a real possibility.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Hmmmmmmm, your wife has a gf that likes to swing.
> 
> This woman sits beside you, grabs your bum, puts her hand on your leg and moves up......if you wouldn't of moved over to stop this, she would of had her hand in your pants and maybe oral sex? All before your wife came back......
> 
> ...


Not gonna lie, I am slightly turned on by this post


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My wife sometimes has a habit of hanging onto friends because she likes to be liked and looks for acceptance from other women.

Even when said friends are actually nasty people and it takes her a while to figure that out. And then there's a lot of drama and yelling and not talking and such and I feel like I'm on 90210.

If I push it before hand, I'm a **** that doesn't like her friends.

If I say "I told you so" afterward, I'm a **** that does that kind of thing.

So I reserve both occasions for when something really bad is gonna happen, like my wife is going to start swinging.

Which is what's going to happen to your wife. So time to be a **** about it and throw these people the hell out of both of your lives. It's quite easy to do if you put your mind to it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

zimmcomm said:


> Hi,
> 
> We met a couple that moved in down the street about 2 years ago. I noticed some weird things. Where I live it is a huge swingers city which is a problem for me. So I noticed that the other woman would make comments to my wife about kissing , hanging out in the spa , touching etc.. I told my wife and her response is she didn't notice anything. We then had a discussion and my wife said she won't do anything until something happens. I wasn't happy with the response but of course I just dealt with it. I even said if it happens I will not ever hang out with them again. When there is a block party or any event where they are at I am in a foul mood before and after.
> 
> ...


Sounds like your wife is OK w/ her lover (or one *OF* her lover_s_) making passes at her husband.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't think you need to do the 180 or contemplate divorcing at this point. 

I think you and your wife needs to sit down...like adults... and set down some firm boundaries in your relationship. You cannot control what you wife is going to do. If she wants to continue hanging out with this nasty woman, then really there is nothing you can do to force her to stop. So to protect your position you clearly state to your wife what your boundaries are. Then, tell her if she crosses those boundaries, then you will take the appropriate steps to do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Marriage is as much a business arrangement as it is an emotional relationship, so if you have a business partner who is screwing over the company by making bad decisions, you react in a business like fashion...by clearly communicating your issues so that she understands clearly where you stand. 

As for the sex? She is actively hanging out with people who are into the swinging lifestyle, yet she consistently neglects you at home? Big red flag! Big, BIG red flag!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

If another woman touched my husband like that, call the police. Because I will break her freaking hand. I don't care how good a friend she is or how desperate I am for a new friend. 

You wife is very naive or she knows exactly what is going down. You are being groomed by this couple. Bet they have already started with wifey. Before you know wife is a third in their marriage and you will be kicked to the curb. Because you are not fun. 

Theses people are toxic and bored in their marriage, you guys are the new entertainment. Be very careful, you marriage has been targeted and they are working your wife.


Tell her she does not need a new bestie right now. Friendships takes awhile to develope, she better learn her to pick hers. Do not agree for her to party or visit these people. They are off limits. Not if she wants to stay married.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'd handle this straightforwardly. 

Go out with them. Smile and laugh and wait until everything's cool. 

Then look the husband in the eye and say "your wife has made it clear she wants me to **** her brains out by doing x and y. I'm not interested in ****ing your wife, and please tell this ***** to keep her hands to herself. I suggest you do the same as it pertains to my wife - we want nothing to do with your disrespectful sex games. Now **** the hell off."

Do it loudly and preferably in front of others. 

Trust me, neither them or your wife will ever ask you to hang out again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

To be clear: to those in open marriages/swingers, if you're open and good, then I'm good with that.

But the way about testing the waters with another couple isn't by groping one of them. It's by explaining what your deal is, and inviting them to join you.


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