# Boyfriend flirting with best friend?



## LilaGrace111 (Aug 27, 2011)

My boyfriend and my best friend have always got on well, and she has been dating a friend of ours since we met. 

A few months ago my best friend was dumped, and was upset and came to stay for the weekend with me and my boyfriend. They got very drunk, and she was talking about how upset she was about being dumped, and that she felt she was unattractive etc. My boyfriend said to her: “Listen, he is a fool, you´re a wonderful person and any man would be lucky to be with you. If I wasn´t with Grace, I would definitely go for you.”. I was obviously FUMING that he said this, and my best friend actually said it made her uncomfortable, so it wasn´t just me who felt it was not appropriate. 

His reaction at the time was quite aggressive, as if I was crazy, and he said he was just trying to comfort her because he felt sorry for her. He had NEVER said a cross or angry word to me before, so I was very upset with this reaction. I went to sleep in the spare room, he came to find me and begged me to forgive him. I told him to get the hell away from me. He was awake all night crying, and even vomiting from stress and in the end I relented in the morning, but for weeks things were bad between us. He says he never meant it that way and was just drunk. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Then this weekend she came to stay again, and I asked him before she arrived to make sure he didn´t say ANYTHING remotely on those lines to her ever again, as it really hurt me. He told me not to worry, of course he wouldn´t. then he got drunk AGAIN and she showed him a picture of a wedding dress in my bridal magazine and asked her what he thought of it. He replied “I think you´d look seriously hot in that”.

I was pretty upset he´d said this, in context with what had happened before, but when I raised it he made a big scene, made her feel really uncomfortable and basically made it sound like it was me being crazy. He got angry at me and even threw a cushion at me (he is THE most gentle person in the world usually) and stormed off saying he could not believe I didn´t trust him, and that I was the only woman in the world for him blah, blah, blah.

As my friend was there, I just let it go, but now I want advice on whether other people think I am over-reacting or not. 

Usually my boyfriend does insensitive stuff and feigns cluelessness, but honestly, I did warn him before not to say or do anything remotely like this, and it seems like the "i didn´t mean it like that" card is a little lame...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop having your friend come over to get drunk.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Yes, the 'I didn't mean it like that' card is really lame. 

Really? how many way cant you take what he said? And then he tries to put the blame on you and say it is your fault for not taking it the correct way? Jerk. 

And I agree, stop having your friend over to get drunk. Obviously it doesn't end well.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Does he have a histroy of dating jealous women? If so, it could explain his overly defensive position when you got upset over it.

As for what he said whilst drunk.... All the time people do and say stupid things while drunk, this could be one of those moments. He very well could have meant to cheer up your friend, and it came out a little flirtatious.

Does he usually compliment other women on their looks, or just this one friend on two seperate occasions?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Set some boundries and it is your job to comfort your best friend not his.
His appropreaite response should have beed to say "I'm sorry for you" anything other then that is wrong. 
It is one thing to feel for someones pain but when compliment start to fly well I woud worry too.

But I quess thats what happens when your drunk.

Next weekend pretend to go to bed early and spy on them, that will for sure show you there true colors.


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## LilaGrace111 (Aug 27, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Does he have a histroy of dating jealous women? If so, it could explain his overly defensive position when you got upset over it.
> 
> As for what he said whilst drunk.... All the time people do and say stupid things while drunk, this could be one of those moments. He very well could have meant to cheer up your friend, and it came out a little flirtatious.
> 
> Does he usually compliment other women on their looks, or just this one friend on two seperate occasions?


No, he has never dated anyone jealous before. His previous wife did not care what he did. she was sleepign with the neighbour for 4 years though....

I think he DID mean to cheer my friend up, but I do think he thinks she is attractive. It just makes me feel sick and humiliated that he has vocalised it - drunk or not.

No he doesn´t say things like this to anyone else.


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## LilaGrace111 (Aug 27, 2011)

the guy said:


> Set some boundries and it is your job to comfort your best friend not his.
> His appropreaite response should have beed to say "I'm sorry for you" anything other then that is wrong.
> It is one thing to feel for someones pain but when compliment start to fly well I woud worry too.
> 
> ...


Well, I am 100% sure if I spied on them nothing would happen. She is not interested in him AT ALL. She also lives far away, and only visits every few months. I doubt after this she will come here again.

It doesn´t happen to ME when I am drunk 

Thanks for the responses though, it really helps to have it confirmed that other agree it isn´t quite right.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

LilaGrace111 said:


> Well, I am 100% sure if I spied on them nothing would happen. She is not interested in him AT ALL. She also lives far away, and only visits every few months. I doubt after this she will come here again.
> 
> It doesn´t happen to ME when I am drunk
> 
> Thanks for the responses though, it really helps to have it confirmed that other agree it isn´t quite right.


While I'd be annoyed, I don't think I'd have been quite as upset as you. I don't know, my friend's husbands have been quite flirtatious with me along those lines when I was single and my friends just laughed it off as did I. I took it as, 'I love my wife and am committed to her but I think you're nice and pretty'. Now if he said, 'let's ditch Grace and go get a room!', there would be hell to pay!
You are entitled to your feelings and he does need to respet them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

LilaGrace111 said:


> Well, I am 100% sure if I spied on them nothing would happen. She is not interested in him AT ALL. She also lives far away, and only visits every few months. I doubt after this she will come here again.
> 
> It doesn´t happen to ME when I am drunk
> 
> Thanks for the responses though, it really helps to have it confirmed that other agree it isn´t quite right.


It's interesting that you say you are 100% sure nothing would happen - _because your friend is not interested in him_. It is kind of telling that you didn't say nothing would happen because you know you know you can trust your boyfriend. That is something to think about. 

Being drunk is not an excuse. I can't believe people make that excuse for him. I wonder if those people's SO had sex with someone else while drunk they would be so forgiving! People do know what is going on when they are drunk, but it does lower their inhibitions. I've always heard you are your true self when you are drunk.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> While I'd be annoyed, I don't think I'd have been quite as upset as you. I took it as, 'I love my wife and am committed to her but I think you're nice and pretty'.


I took it the same way. Personally, I think he sounds like a nice and compassionate guy trying to cheer up a friend.

If there aren't trust issues, I wouldn't think there'd be a need to get very upset here.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Lighten up a bit. It sounds to me that you are the in charge type and your man is very submisive.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Being drunk is not an excuse for doing the same kind of thing twice, with you having already asked/warned him not to say anything that might be considered flirtatious. You mentioned that he was married before and that he slept around on his wife. I think that you two need to set some clear boundaries and I'm in agreement with another poster who said that it's your job to comfort your friend, not his.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OK so he's attracted to your friend... people do that, get attracted to the opposite sex. Seems like he is not the kind of guy that would be open about it if he was sober, and you seem to value that, so it is pretty obvious that the problem is what others are writing here - alcohol is a known social lubricant and you are bringing a woman that you know he is attracted to into the mix. Solution is pretty obvious, no alcohol when she is around and vice versa - when you and H are drinking don't bring her around, unless of course you can cope with seeing him flirt with her, and her be receptive to it (even if she says she isn't).


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

You said he was up crying and really stressed. Assuming that's true and he wasn't just sick from getting trashed, that should tell you a lot. Maybe when that happened you should have said, "He's right! You'd look hot in that dress!" When you go overboard with jealousy you make yourself unattractive. You could end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he's going to suffer for something he didn't do he might think he may as well do it. It really sounds like you have some insecurities here. Keep in mind, we can only comment on what you tell us, though.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

LilaGrace111 said:


> My boyfriend and my best friend have always got on well, and she has been dating a friend of ours since we met.
> 
> A few months ago my best friend was dumped, and was upset and came to stay for the weekend with me and my boyfriend. They got very drunk, and she was talking about how upset she was about being dumped, and that she felt she was unattractive etc. My boyfriend said to her: “Listen, he is a fool, you´re a wonderful person and any man would be lucky to be with you. If I wasn´t with Grace, I would definitely go for you.”. I was obviously FUMING that he said this, and my best friend actually said it made her uncomfortable, so it wasn´t just me who felt it was not appropriate.
> 
> ...


Both of the things he said may not have been smart, but neither of them is in any way out of line. Your being way too sensitive. Telling a friend that they are smoking hot when asked an opinion of a photo is within reason. 

Trying to make a dumped woman feel better by saying you would go out with them if the situation was different is also reasonable and perfectly acceptable. 

Your acting like he is hitting on a complete stranger he met at a bar. This situation is completely different. This is no stranger. Its your best friend. A girl that you both know well and are both comfortable with. You should be able to make jokes, and be more relaxed socially with a close friend. In this context, his behavior is reasonable (if not very smart) and its mo opinion that your over reacting.


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