# why does sex stop?



## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

I have been reading a lot off the post here. Tha main theme is that we all want that same sexlife we had when we got married. Why does it lessen, kids, stres, work time. Its not that we dont want sex. We all want that hormone driven sexlife. Is that not the reason people have affairs. They like the butterflies. The attention. But in reality life gets in the way and those things fade. Wouldend it be amazing if that emotions or lus stayed and die not fade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

sorry for the typo's. Fast fingers
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

While i may want the same sex life I had when we first married, I am not physically capable of it anymore! The stress of work (leave house 6 AM, come home 7 PM) does take it's toll!

I disagree to a point about affairs and sex. I think for men it's about attention AND sex. For women I think that it's primarily about the attention and the sex is what keeps the attention on them that they crave.

My attention to my wife didn't really fade at all. Just her response to it. All the hand-holding, kisses and gestures while nice and meaningful to both of us seems to be all she needs. Not me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Why sex stops is a variety of reasons. I think the most common reasons are bait and switch, as well as stresses and hormonal changes that come into play that weren't there in the beginning (financial stress, children, baby blues, longer work hours, etc.)

As for affairs, I'd wager most affairs aren't due to purely sex. Rather, I think they stem from having someone to talk to as a friend that slowly grows into much more than a friend and eventually sex. Toffer said it as well, it's about attention and sex. When your wife is ignoring you to watch TV all night but the cute blonde at work is actually interested in how your day is going and laughs at your jokes, over time that can cause resentment from you towards the wife and a closer connection towards the co-worker. It started innocently enough (we've all heard that line before) but as a bond forms between two people from opposite sexes, it's just natural that the element of sex at the very least starts to get mulled over in your head, especially if you're unhappy with what is at home. Some people elect to explore that option, some don't, but I don't think it's just a pure sex thing for either men or women.


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## Gaming Your Wife (Jun 16, 2011)

Ya Know I have thought about this concept for awhile. It would never work out . If there were no kids involved. Marriage sould be set up for a term. Like a 5 yr. contract and at the end you renew or depart.
This would keep sex alive.If one person is getting tired of the other. or someone is not keeping you happy. The end would be near.I situlation I have a wife who has no need for sex,affection, kissing, Romance,But she loves me to death.I need all that I don't get from her.Sex is not something that I can't have from her.She will give it up.But she is not into it.Their is no lust,no passion,She is just not Horny.She really could careless. But she is a wonderful person and I loveher alot.She was very different when she was younger.And now at 55 yrs old she makes love like a 85 yr. women.She is very nice looking, But she just has no desire for sex.Ya it hurts me,Pisses me off.But is it a deal breacker not yet.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Gaming Your Wife said:


> Ya Know I have thought about this concept for awhile. It would never work out . If there were no kids involved. Marriage sould be set up for a term. Like a 5 yr. contract and at the end you renew or depart.
> This would keep sex alive.If one person is getting tired of the other. or someone is not keeping you happy. The end would be near.I situlation I have a wife who has no need for sex,affection, kissing, Romance,But she loves me to death.I need all that I don't get from her.Sex is not something that I can't have from her.She will give it up.But she is not into it.Their is no lust,no passion,She is just not Horny.She really could careless. But she is a wonderful person and I loveher alot.She was very different when she was younger.And now at 55 yrs old she makes love like a 85 yr. women.She is very nice looking, But she just has no desire for sex.Ya it hurts me,Pisses me off.But is it a deal breacker not yet.


Sounds like living with your mother (minus the "duty sex")


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

I guess it is different for everyone. For some people, it's a change in priorities. For instance, my W has focused entirely on being a mother and doesn't believe she has enough in her to be a wife, also.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Gaming Your Wife said:


> Ya Know I have thought about this concept for awhile. It would never work out . If there were no kids involved. Marriage sould be set up for a term. Like a 5 yr. contract and at the end you renew or depart.
> This would keep sex alive.If one person is getting tired of the other. or someone is not keeping you happy. The end would be near.I situlation I have a wife who has no need for sex,affection, kissing, Romance,But she loves me to death.I need all that I don't get from her.Sex is not something that I can't have from her.She will give it up.But she is not into it.Their is no lust,no passion,She is just not Horny.She really could careless. But she is a wonderful person and I loveher alot.She was very different when she was younger.And now at 55 yrs old she makes love like a 85 yr. women.She is very nice looking, But she just has no desire for sex.Ya it hurts me,Pisses me off.But is it a deal breacker not yet.


I like the idea of a term marriage (ie... term life insurance). At the end of the 5 or 10 year term, we can renegociate the policy. If both don't agree, we don't have to sign for anoter 5 years.

Even with kids, it could work. The contract would be longer though. When the last child is 18, the contract has to be renegociated. That seems like it happens anyway. If we knew the "contract" was up soon, we would have time to fix the relationship or at least plan a future without each other.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Toper and Kingsfan said it best. It's more about the attention from somebody else which is more than what we get from home. Sex is a close second. I don't want the "duty" sex. For the first time, I turned down sex last night because it seemed like it was a job she wanted to hurry up and get it over with. I think she was happy that I said no. Go figure!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> For instance, my W has focused entirely on being a mother and doesn't believe she has enough in her to be a wife, also.


This is something I don't think I'll ever understand for as long as I'm not married.
Unless you're the same guy she married then I see no reason why you should be the last on her list.
If you respect, love and treat her right then she has no excuse to keep sex from you.
I'm not a mother yet but I don't see why the kids should be more important than the partner. Without the partner, those kids wouldn't be there at all.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> This is something I don't think I'll ever understand for as long as I'm not married.
> Unless you're the same guy she married then I see no reason why you should be the last on her list.
> If you respect, love and treat her right then she has no excuse to keep sex from you.
> I'm not a mother yet but I don't see why the kids should be more important than the partner. Without the partner, those kids wouldn't be there at all.


She blames it on the hormones from breastfeeding and fatigue. I guess I understand a lesser frequency, but I don't buy it that it would explain being sexless for not months, but 2 years.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> She blames it on the hormones from breastfeeding and fatigue. I guess I understand a lesser frequency, but I don't buy it that it would explain being sexless for not months, but 2 years.


Becuase it doesn't. There's another reason... hopefully not that she just isn't into you anymore but that's possible. I think it's going to come time for an ultimatum from you; let's fix this problem or I'm outta here.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> This is something I don't think I'll ever understand for as long as I'm not married.
> Unless you're the same guy she married then I see no reason why you should be the last on her list.
> If you respect, love and treat her right then she has no excuse to keep sex from you.
> I'm not a mother yet but I don't see why the kids should be more important than the partner. Without the partner, those kids wouldn't be there at all.


After ourDaughter was born, My wife didn't want, need, desire or care to have sex for longer than I care to say. Not that it was a lot to begin with. It's like it was my fault she had post pardon for a couple of years. Even now with or now 9 year old, she seems to come first. She still will lay down next to her until our daughter falls asleep. My wife usually ALWAYS falls asleep too and I wait and wait and wait then she is too tired for sex and I am tired of just waiting for her.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Ours slowed when my ex lied to me and decided to bring her daughter to live with us when she told me she wouldn't.

It wasn't so much that she was living with us. It was the fact that the dynamics of the relationship changed. It was an issue for me before we got married and I told her that before we got married. She assured me it wouldn't happen. 

After all, her daughter had a decent job and could have moved in with her good friend. They had the same lifestyles and they could have shared expenses. I often wonder if this was just a way for my ex's daughter to drive a wedge between us. She always seemed to talk about her dad. I think, even at nineteen, she wished her mom and dad would get back together.

She ended up staying for a number of years and her lifestyle always created conflict in our early marriage. Staying out till 2 am or later made my wife cry. I could not comfort her well enough and her daughter wouldn't hear anything I said to her.

It was the beginning of the end, in my mind. I'm sure there are many opinions as there are people.

I used to say, "Opinions are like a**holes. Everyone's got one."


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

throwing this out there, 
but decrease in sexual desire is not always the problem, it is often the symptom of another problem. Like lack of communication, lack of closeness, unspoken resentment, neglect.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> She blames it on the hormones from breastfeeding and fatigue. I guess I understand a lesser frequency, but I don't buy it that it would explain being sexless for not months, but 2 years.


Lies!
During the first months after pregnancy because of the breastfeeding and fatigue the frequency falls..that's true. [I have read tons of info about that out of curiosity] but 2 years ??
She's abusing with the "breastfeedingness". 
It's ridiculous and it's offensive how she thinks you can buy such crap.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> After ourDaughter was born, My wife didn't want, need, desire or care to have sex for longer than I care to say. Not that it was a lot to begin with. It's like it was my fault she had post pardon for a couple of years. Even now with or now 9 year old, she seems to come first. She still will lay down next to her until our daughter falls asleep. My wife usually ALWAYS falls asleep too and* I wait and wait and wait *then she is too tired for sex and I am tired of just waiting for her.


That's the problem. You wait and wait and wait and do nothing about it.
Also, sleeping next to the 9 year old daughter? How do you tolerate it?
The kiddie should learn to sleep alone!
She's ruining your intimacy.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Already Gone, is there another reason why she is in your daughter's room instead of yours, such as resenting some aspect of your relationship?


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

OT: lovelygirl, is this shaggy that you quote in your signature the same shaggy that sang the song, It Wasn't Me?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> OT: lovelygirl, is this shaggy that you quote in your signature the same shaggy that sang the song, It Wasn't Me?


lol. No, it's not the singer.
It's a member on the forum.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> lol. No, it's not the singer.
> It's a member on the forum.


LOL. Ok, I thought it was a bit inconsistent with that diddy he sings...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Because people suck.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Because people suck.


or they don't suck enough...badaboom!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

MrsPayne said:


> I have been reading a lot off the post here. Tha main theme is that we all want that same sexlife we had when we got married. Why does it lessen, kids, stres, work time. Its not that we dont want sex. We all want that hormone driven sexlife. Is that not the reason people have affairs. They like the butterflies. The attention. But in reality life gets in the way and those things fade. Wouldend it be amazing if that emotions or lus stayed and die not fade.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well... it hasn't stopped for us. 

I still get butterflies when i hear his truck come up the driveway at the end of the day, we have lots of sex, hold hands, date each other, have parkups etc... we're having more fun together now that the kids are older than we did 25 years ago.

I know I'm not alone from reading posts here... there are a few 'happily married' posters.
Although I'm not sure THIS site is a very accurate representation of marriage...most people come here for help and support for their marital issues.. many of them chronic and terminal.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

jaquen said:


> Because people suck.


Aw... jaquen. 

This doesn't sound like you! 

Are you having a rough day?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> or they don't suck enough...badaboom!



BAM!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Aw... jaquen.
> 
> This doesn't sound like you!
> 
> Are you having a rough day?


Nope, not at all.

I'm a firm believer in humanity, but also acknowledge that we, as a species, can suck really badly.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Because 'new' sex becomes 'maintenance sex' ?? For some, but apparently not for all. 

Because fatigue of life sets in? 

Because the normal resentments of living with another human being accumulate---more for some couples than for others? 

Because some partners are just not good at it, and don't care to improve, so that frustrates their partner. 

Because a man can dump a girlfriend who won't sleep with him. But a married man dumping his whole family over a wife who cuts him off is playing in a whole different ballgame.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

jaquen said:


> Nope, not at all.
> 
> I'm a firm believer in humanity, but also acknowledge that we, as a species, can suck really badly.


For jaquen.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I can't speak for everyone, but for my wife, who used to be very sexual for the first years of our marriage, and slowly lost her desire, to the point now 20 years later, where she doesn't desire it at all and if fact, we haven't had it in 4 months, her reasons are (in order)

1. lost of libedo (doesn't desire it at all anymore she says)
2. resentment issues (says I haven't followed through with what I was supposed to do with my life, make more money)
3. weight gain (not a lot, but enough to cause her to have self-esteem issues).
4. Unhappy with her life (see reason #2).

If I really pressed her, she would probably give it up to me once or twice a month, but it would be duty sex and bad duty sex at that. She would just lay there and complain if I took more than 5 minutes (no kissing, foreplay, oral, room has to be pitch dark, she has to be under the sheets, etc).

I decided it would be better to go without, then to have sex like that. I am starting to wonder if I should just get a FWB person, and let her off the hook. I still desire her more than ever though, and would have sex with her every night if she wanted to!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

russ101 said:


> I can't speak for everyone, but for my wife, who used to be very sexual for the first years of our marriage, and slowly lost her desire, to the point now 20 years later, where she doesn't desire it at all and if fact, we haven't had it in 4 months, her reasons are (in order)
> 
> 1. lost of libedo (doesn't desire it at all anymore she says)
> 2. resentment issues (says I haven't followed through with what I was supposed to do with my life, make more money)
> ...


Or you could tell her #4 will get a lot worse when you walk away, making #2 a much bigger issue...for her anyways.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

waiwera said:


> For jaquen.


BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

:rofl:

(Oops, I used an emoticon. I was just told in the "Alpha" thread that those are feminine and for girls only! I wonder when my brand spanking new vagina will arrive in the mail?)


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Nothing feminine about you jaquen... emoticon away!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

russ101 said:


> 1. lost of libedo (doesn't desire it at all anymore she says)
> 2. resentment issues (says I haven't followed through with what I was supposed to do with my life, make more money)
> 3. weight gain (not a lot, but enough to cause her to have self-esteem issues).
> 4. Unhappy with her life (see reason #2).
> ...


Sounds to be about the same thing here, except I am getting duty sex a couple times a month and she won't complain...but does just lay there. I am done with doing that.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

JoeHenderson said:


> Already Gone, is there another reason why she is in your daughter's room instead of yours, such as resenting some aspect of your relationship?


She isn't in the room all night. She will wake up after an hour or so and come to bed. I guess I should go in there a just wake her up. She's done this for 9 years now. I do tell her it time to let our daughter go to sleep on her own.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

IndyTM said:


> Sounds to be about the same thing here, except I am getting duty sex a couple times a month and she won't complain...but does just lay there. I am done with doing that.


Its the same here. She will be so sleepy, in some kind of pain or something to make me take pity on her and I soon feel guilty for wanting sex. so she will jus lay there . I am done with that too. Last night was the first time I turned her down. She said her peiod was about to start and if I wanted sex, now is the time. no foreplay no nothing. I need more time to get myself going when I never know when she wants it, which is almost never. 

She doesn't complain whe we have sex, I know she isn't into it. It takes alot of oral before that happens, even then, its just hurry up and get it over with.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> After ourDaughter was born, My wife didn't want, need, desire or care to have sex for longer than I care to say. Not that it was a lot to begin with. It's like it was my fault she had post pardon for a couple of years. Even now with or now 9 year old, she seems to come first. She still will lay down next to her until our daughter falls asleep. My wife usually ALWAYS falls asleep too and I wait and wait and wait then she is too tired for sex and I am tired of just waiting for her.


AG, from my experience it really won't get much better as time goes on

There will ALWAYS be something going on for/with the kids to divert her attention away from you. It will be school, PTA, sports, booster clubs you name it!

Take it from someone whose kids are now 14, 19 and 21!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> throwing this out there,
> but decrease in sexual desire is not always the problem, it is often the symptom of another problem. Like lack of communication, lack of closeness, unspoken resentment, neglect.


Definitely! These problems increase geometrically too as the HD partner starts to shut down after trying so many things to rectify the problem and keep the lines of communication open.

You start to think "Why even bother to try and intiate? It will most likely end in rejection"

After a while of banging your head against the wall, you learn that it hurts to do this so you stop

Great point of illustration would be when I was talking to my wife about how she would sometimes set expectations and then not follow through (she'd look at me at some point in the day and say something like "You're going to get sooo lucky tonight" and then the night would roll around and either she feel asleep because of one too many wines or something else)

I didn't mind that maybe she was tired or had one drink too many but I thought that maybe the next morning or the next night I'd get a little lovin. Nope

When I called her out on this issue I explained it to her in terms she would understand. I told her "How would you feel if I said "Hey, I'm going to take you diamond shopping tomorrow" and then tomorrow came and went without the trip and without me ever saying anything about it again.

Her response? She decided that instead of following through the next day that she would just stop saying those types of things to me! and God bless her, she's a woman of her word! She hasn't said anything along these lines since!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> Its the same here. She will be so sleepy, in some kind of pain or something to make me take pity on her and I soon feel guilty for wanting sex. so she will jus lay there . I am done with that too. Last night was the first time I turned her down. She said her peiod was about to start and if I wanted sex, now is the time. no foreplay no nothing. I need more time to get myself going when I never know when she wants it, which is almost never.
> 
> Like the old cliche says, "If I had a dime for ever night I heard about something that hurts (head, stomach, big toe) or something that was about to ooze, I'd be be a rich, single man right now. Alone, but rich and single!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Great point of illustration would be when I was talking to my wife about how she would sometimes set expectations and then not follow through (she'd look at me at some point in the day and say something like "You're going to get sooo lucky tonight" and then the night would roll around and either she feel asleep because of one too many wines or something else)
> 
> 
> Her response? She decided that instead of following through the next day that she would just stop saying those types of things to me! and God bless her, she's a woman of her word! She hasn't said anything along these lines since!


Exactly!!!!!!!!!!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sex for us diminished gradually as I began to realize that, immediately upon our marriage, my husband stopped thinking of me as a girlfriend and began thinking of me as a wife. Girlfriends you lavish attention, affection, time and energy on. Wives.....well, you just do not.

I continued to engage in an enthusiastic and frequent sex life for many years after he stopped engaging in any type of emotional life with me. Eventually, though, I just couldn't do it anymore and frequency gradually went from 5+ times a week to 1-2 times a week. His idea was that I needed to "see somebody" to fix whatever emotional problems or hormonal problems I had. Because he doesn't need an emotional connection to have sex, so it couldn't be normal for me to need one.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rowan said:


> and frequency gradually went from 5+ times a week to 1-2 times a week.
> 
> I wish MY sex life went "down" to 1 - 2 times a week!
> 
> No wait, that would be an INCREASE!


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

INDYTM, Do you think your wife would even care if you stopped having sex with her at all. What about if you said to her, I know you are not interested in sex with me anymore, and I don't want you to give me duty sex, so what if I stepped outside the marriage for it? Do you think she would be ok with that? I have stopped asking my wife for it, and guess what? We have not had it in over 4 months. I think that my wife expects that I will eventually find it elsewhere, she just doesn't want to know about it, or have the kids find out about it either. Very sad way to stay in a marriage, I know, but I don't want to lose my house, family, assests etc., so maybe this is the only way to get me needs met without losing everything,
My wife sounds a lot like yours!


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Very simple.

In new relationships couples have sex to bond intimately and further closeness and trust. As that becomes well established over time and regardless if said couple marries, women on the most know their partner is attached and they are attached to them and require different levels and displays of intimacy to know they are loved, men however on the most part require physical acts of love making to know they are loved. Also there are a number of variables, but that is the main point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## countrybumpkin (Nov 8, 2012)

In our house, I have a 2 year old and I am 19 weeks pregnant. The ONLY time I have turned down sex from my husband was when I was unable to after having a baby for about 4 weeks and this time around when I had morning sickness really bad...and I still did it even then if I wasn't feeling completely sick. I even had sex with him in the middle of the night because I didn't feel as sick then. It was pity sex or anything like that. I was completely into it. No laying around like a dead fish. He's deployed now and we're having issues anyway, so obviously there is no sex now. 

However, I did become uninterested in sex a while back. I had our son and was worried about my body, which did eventually return to normal. But, there were other things going on in our relationship that made me not want him anymore (at least temporarily). 

It felt/still feels like the only reason he's with me is because of the kids. I feel completely unattractive to him due to his constant flirting with other women and excessive porn use. In addition, he lies constantly. While those things are being worked on by him, they still weigh in on sex in a marriage...at least to me. When I gave him my life, heart, and soul...I devoted my entire existence to him. He just doesn't do the same.

Also, there were times when he was completely selfish with porn. After our son was born, I understood that he would watch it because I couldn't physically have sex. However, he would watch porn while he was supposed to be taking care of the newborn so I could finally catch some sleep. (What's wrong with the shower when it's my shift with the baby?) After 8 days of him doing this and the baby waking up 20 mins after I fell asleep...I wanted to throw his butt out of the window. He was in the bathroom with the computer for up to 2 hours at a time while I was only get 20 mins of sleep at a time because the baby kept waking up. I didn't make that baby by myself and I wasn't going to be on 24 hour baby watch while breastfeeding and getting no sleep so he could watch porn until 2am. 

Even 2 years after having my son I still want my husband (other than the temporary resentment era) and we have sex on a regular basis (when he's home). That's about 5 times or so a week. I don't always feel in the mood because life does get in the way and I am tired, but I get over it and after a few mins of foreplay, I'm good to go! 

I honestly think that if my husband was more into me and my needs (such as him not lying or flirting with other women), I would definitely be more motivated to initiate more like I did when we first got together. He just doesn't care anymore. He got bored and it shows.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MrsPayne said:


> I have been reading a lot off the post here. Tha main theme is that we all want that same sexlife we had when we got married. Why does it lessen, kids, stres, work time. Its not that we dont want sex. We all want that hormone driven sexlife. Is that not the reason people have affairs. They like the butterflies. The attention. But in reality life gets in the way and those things fade. Wouldend it be amazing if that emotions or lus stayed and die not fade.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't read all the responses, but just to respond to your post, I have become aware that this is the case for a lot of people. It's difficult to relate to, however, when it doesn't apply to oneself. I'm male, was married in my early 20s and divorced in my 40s. I never noticed any change in my sexual desire the entire time. I was married for 18 years and the thoughts and desire of sex never changed for me.

Although i desired sex more frequently than my x wife, I don't consider myself an extreme HD, but I needed sex much more regularly than she did. It didn't matter how much stress i had or what came and went in life, it didn't change my desire for my wife. I guess i never saw the relationship between stress and not wanting sex. I suppose sex was actually a stress reliever for me. If I had a bad day at work, making love to my wife somehow made it better and took the stress away because i was connecting with someone I loved.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Michie said:


> Very simple.
> 
> In new relationships couples have sex to bond intimately and further closeness and trust. In new relationships couples have sex to bond intimately and further closeness and trust. As that becomes well established over time and regardless if said couple marries, women on the most know their partner is attached and they are attached to them and require different levels and displays of intimacy to know they are loved, men however on the most part require physical acts of love making to know they are loved. Also there are a number of variables, but that is the main point.
> Posted via Mobile Device


What about the millions, if not billions, of couples throughout history, and up until today, who bonded intimately without the presence of sex before marriage?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Make it a priority and it won't change. It has to be both people aware of what can happen if it's not a priority.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Its a mind bending question. Why does it stop? Why do people start to gradually feel less desire for their SO? Theres so many factors that can play into it. For me I remember when my W and I got married it was pretty dull. We had amazing times when it did happen but it was so few and far between. I've never had a full week, twice a day or hell every other day of sex since we got married. Honestly it might have been like that last before our son was born and that was three years+ ago. What boggles me is that when we were dating, for six months it was no matter what happened. We could argue, be at each others throats, she could P me off, I'd P her off, at the end of the day we would make up and sex never stopped. It was never off the table. After we split up for a year and got back together, I noticed sex was definitely not on her priority list. I still don't know why I didn't put a halt on marrying her after realizing what had developed and we really only got back together on the strength of our son (for me debt and our son). Anyway, I think it was so much pent up resentment, disappointments, let downs, that she build a barrier that she still has now after us reconciling. We had a discussion the other day about it. I mentioned that all the bad and dumb stuff I was doing she requested me not to do when were unhappy (I didn't honor it, in one ear, out the other), I understand why we weren't having sex. Who wants to open their body to a man that spends more time at work, every weekend out with his friends, stays out late, potentially cheating and not investing more time with his son? So I reevaluated all those factors and removed them from the new picture when we reconciled. Somehow we are still in the same sexless place we were before we separated! Im definitely the better version, maybe the greatest version of myself since she first met me years ago. So for me to make all those changes and its been almost four months since we worked things out, how are things still in the same mindset of clammed up? Idk.... I think resentment can never be over with unless that person fully forgives you for the wrong you did and I think, i think my W still has not fully forgiven me. Even though I eventually found out she was keeping contacts she wasn't suppose to, those things never bothered to clam up. Now maybe its easier for me to hold less of a grudge than for her and I know a timeframe can't be put on these kind of things. 

I wish there was some foolproof solution to prevent this because you have people who have done everything right since day one that end up in this position aka sex drops off. Its thrown me to the point I told her I can't keep reaching out to only have my hand slapped. It's caused me not to have the sexual desire for her now (who knows how long it will last) and now she's mad about that! Thats not fair at all. She's saying that she will never get her sexual desire there for me if I have none for her (treating her like a platonic friend/roommate than a lover). Meaning I have to keep getting rejected, keep having her tell me she doesn't like the way I kiss her or touch her, wtf! Thats like telling a potential employee applying for a job at a company "hey we got your resume, love it, but we will call you when we have a position open". Could be waiting forever, eventually you just start looking for another job. It's like damn, this job pays well, great benefits, line of work I love to do but how much longer do I have to wait for this slot to open up? Im going broke waiting! (Im losing my mind).

I wish someone had a direct answer why it stops. Maybe the world would be a better place.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Make it a priority and it won't change. It has to be both people aware of what can happen if it's not a priority.


This is excellent. I have always keep sex as a priority between my W and I but I think her priority list made a huge change. If you make it a priority how can it ever fall to the waste side. She was pissed when I mentioned possibly retracting my "no turn down" policy. Im like why should I keep it if you don't have one for me. The only way in hell I would turn down sex from my W is if I was in excruciating pain, I was blacked out drunk, had a migraine that made me feel like my brain would burst, I had a dire emergency that needed to be handled immediately, or if my penis stopped working (be buying some cialis or viagra that day). Other than that, it has to be something extreme cause I don't even let sleep effect that decision.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> What about the millions, if not billions, of couples throughout history, and up until today, who bonded intimately without the presence of sex before marriage?


Not that I disagree with you, but that's an entirely different scenario as well. Many people married for reasons we would consider wrong today in our society, such as arranged marriages or at much to young of an age, for security, religion, etc. The reasons for marriage in the past, even 50 years ago, aren't the same as now, just like the dating isn't the same now as it was then.

Additionally, who says a lot of those couples bonded intimately at any point in their marriage? I agree some likely did, but, as an example, taking couples who married due to arranged marriages or based on purely religious backgrounds were likely at a heavy disadvantage to have a strong bond intimately. Societal rules likely played a larger role in keeping marriages together, as religion and the legal system were both heavily opposed to divorce until only recent times, and often women would stay in relationships for fear of being left penniless if they were cast out. We still see that even today, with some women staying in abusive relationships for fear of not being able to support themselves without their husbands, and women today often have a lot more supports in place than women did one hundred years ago.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Great point of illustration would be when I was talking to my wife about how she would sometimes set expectations and then not follow through (she'd look at me at some point in the day and say something like "You're going to get sooo lucky tonight" and then the night would roll around and either she feel asleep because of one too many wines or something else)
> 
> I didn't mind that maybe she was tired or had one drink too many but I thought that maybe the next morning or the next night I'd get a little lovin. Nope
> 
> ...


We use to reward each other for the special things we did for each other...like if I took it upon myself to fix anything in the house without her telling me to, I'd get a treat. If she bought me beer without me asking, I'd reward her with a treat. A typical thing she would say is, "oh, that's really nice, you deserve a treat!" These were very nice to receive and give, but over time they faded away to her not ever fulfilling her recognized treats for me. I would do something and she would verbally tell me that what I was treat worthy, but I was never able to cash in for my treat.  No longer do I get excited or my hopes up when she tells me such.



russ101 said:


> INDYTM, Do you think your wife would even care if you stopped having sex with her at all. What about if you said to her, I know you are not interested in sex with me anymore, and I don't want you to give me duty sex, so what if I stepped outside the marriage for it? Do you think she would be ok with that? I have stopped asking my wife for it, and guess what? We have not had it in over 4 months. I think that my wife expects that I will eventually find it elsewhere, she just doesn't want to know about it, or have the kids find out about it either. Very sad way to stay in a marriage, I know, but I don't want to lose my house, family, assests etc., so maybe this is the only way to get me needs met without losing everything,
> My wife sounds a lot like yours!


No, I think as long as I provided for her and she was able to continue her daily routine of doing as she pleases, she would be comfortable. She probably wouldn't want to know any of the details, but I don't think she'd leave because of it. She has suggested I find a surrogate so many times that I actually went through the process of finding me one, but ultimately stopped before I made any connections because of the additional support I have received from TAM. I realize that our marriage would be over if I went down that route, as I would most likely build an emotional connection with them and would drift further from my wife. I would resent her even more and question why I am financially supporting her, when all she would be to me is a live-in maid.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

russ101 said:


> I can't speak for everyone, but for my wife, who used to be very sexual for the first years of our marriage, and slowly lost her desire, to the point now 20 years later, where she doesn't desire it at all and if fact, we haven't had it in 4 months, her reasons are (in order)
> 
> 1. lost of libedo (doesn't desire it at all anymore she says)
> 2. resentment issues (says I haven't followed through with what I was supposed to do with my life, make more money)
> ...


Sounds a bit like my situation. Hit it often early, and now, after 12 years of marriage and together 14 years, have had it three times in the last 1 1/2 years. Reason 1 & 3 apply most here (although she did lose a lot of weight a few years ago, but after our kids arrived, gained a bunch back). Has always had self-esteem issues, and has absolutely no interest in sex. Also having two kids under age 3 tires her out, so she would much rather sleep than sex. 

Much like your wife, she would have sex if I insisted or asked, but it would be duty sex, and I would get more out of taking care of myself. She does joke (?) that I can have a girlfriend. Lucky for me, she won't complain when we're doing it, but she will encourage me to finish, which tells me that she's not into it. Mine also says she needs to be a bit drunk to get into it, but she won't drink enough to get that way (the one time we went out and I thought we would get it on, she ended up being too tired).


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Gaming Your Wife said:


> Ya Know I have thought about this concept for awhile. It would never work out . If there were no kids involved. Marriage sould be set up for a term. Like a 5 yr. contract and at the end you renew or depart.
> This would keep sex alive.If one person is getting tired of the other. or someone is not keeping you happy. The end would be near.I situlation I have a wife who has no need for sex,affection, kissing, Romance,But she loves me to death.I need all that I don't get from her.Sex is not something that I can't have from her.She will give it up.But she is not into it.Their is no lust,no passion,She is just not Horny.She really could careless. But she is a wonderful person and I loveher alot.She was very different when she was younger.And now at 55 yrs old she makes love like a 85 yr. women.She is very nice looking, But she just has no desire for sex.Ya it hurts me,Pisses me off.But is it a deal breacker not yet.


 you are as happy as you want to be. stop playing games with life, or they will eliminate their problem.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MrsPayne said:


> I have been reading a lot off the post here. Tha main theme is that we all want that same sexlife we had when we got married. Why does it lessen, kids, stres, work time. Its not that we dont want sex. We all want that hormone driven sexlife. Is that not the reason people have affairs. They like the butterflies. The attention. But in reality life gets in the way and those things fade. Wouldend it be amazing if that emotions or lus stayed and die not fade.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



People have to be true to themselves and the spouse they're going to marry about their sex drive, fantasies and what they'd like to do. Unfortunately, many have a lot of sex before they get married, then their true self comes out after marriage, LD (low sex drive) and the other spouse wonders is it me? Have discussions and nothing changes, is it me? Are they seeing someone else? etc, etc, etc.

My sex drive with fantasies is the same when I was single, while I was dating my wife to be and after we got married. I have taken care of myself and have bulked up over the years too.

I also think one spouse gets comfy in the marriage and why should they change? This is a very selfish mindset because after you get married to the one you supposedly love, you should want to meet their needs and not make excuses and let them suffer, leading to resentment and even affairs.

I would say sign a pre-nup. Sex is the same before and after marriage. If its not the same after marriage, there's the door.

Don't blame the low sex drive on kids. We all have choice if we want kids and how many. Many forms of birth control out there for everyone because everyone responds differently. You can get married, both work full time, no kids. You can get married, one works full time, have 1 kid and work part time. You can get married, have 2 -3+ kids, stay at home mom and hubby works full time. All choices we make in life.

Everyone works full time in one form or another. Everyone has daily stress as well. Nothing special there.

Sex is a way to un-stress, bond to your spouse, and helps you get through those tough times. Unfortunately, there are many that are LD that don't get it, don't want to take care of their other halves needs, don't want to meet half way out of love and don't see themselves as the problem and don't change for the betterment of the marriage.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Listen, I made a post in another thread that sums up women's views on sex. This is not concluding all women are this way, but most are.

*There are three scenarios where a woman wants to have sex, assuming there are no other variables in the mix. This is for most typical couples and relationships. 

1. Women have sex to attract a man and / or get married, or hang onto him if not married.

2. To have children

3. Once married, the husband complains or threatens to leave the marriage due to lack of sex so the wife gives him just enough to satisfy him which doesn't last long and it goes back to a sexless marriage. *

I have talked to many friends and most say the same thing. Sex was great before marriage then became sparse afterwards minus the times when conceiving was the reason. We warn friends who are getting married and they refuse to believe us and I see the same look in their faces as I did when my friends warned and poked fun at me that I'd never get another blow job again. Well they were right minus 2 or 3 I did receive shortly after getting married 7 years ago. Basically it's the classic bait and switch. If women have to put on an act to attract a man then they shouldn't get married. What is it you say? Men put on acts? Listen, every husband I know are hard working responsible fathers who care for their families and are probably more mature now than they were before marriage. Maybe we should have continued to be immature jerks to keep the spark going.

My wife made an incredible effort to get over her reservations about sex and her body while we dated and to me, it meant she cared enough about me and us. She also seemed to enjoy it. She wanted to learn, she said that to me. She was not experienced when we met. Since marriage she doesn't seem to give a sh|t. She rarely tries, and when she does it feels like she is only doing it because I want to or want more. There are less rules in a strip club than our own bedroom. I rarely see her naked, and she refuses to have any light on. It has to be pitch black. And she won't take her nightie off. Its pitch dark and she wants to keep it on. Like, WTF??

I bring it up but she just gives me excuses.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

I haven't posted for ages!

I was having issues with trying to get my partner to want sex with me more often. 

Nevertheless, I have had a really awful time of it recently and I'm so stressed out that I have just gone off sex altogether. A large part of that is the fact that I feel totally undesirable. It's pretty soul destroying when your partner thinks a quickie once a week is ok. You really start to question what is wrong with you. 

Everything has been about other people recently and I'm struggling with stuff of my own. I actually don't want sex, because I feel as though I have lost control over my life. Everybody needs or wants something and what I need or want doesn't come into the equation. Choosing whether to engage in sexual activities is something that I _do_ have control over and I don't want anyone in _my_ personal space. My energy has been sapped and I'm not about to waste what little I have left on someone who makes me feel uncomfortable. 

So, I can now understand why some people refuse sex. I think it's largely about feeling overwhelmed by the demands of others and wanting to establish boundaries for your own personal space.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

marriage is just a contract! it is only a piece of paper which says you are with someone until otherwise I have even told my wife when we were having some really bad times that it is just that a piece of paper and a f'ing expensive day/night. anyone who really thinks that it should be a term contract is kidding themselves if you both agreed with sex at 7 times a week when you went in and now its only once and you are unhappy about that then go a set and speak up make it clear that it is only money that is lost if your separate and more can always be made but happiness cant be bought.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

WellyVamp said:


> I haven't posted for ages!
> 
> I was having issues with trying to get my partner to want sex with me more often.
> 
> ...


You might like Pia Mellody's book The Intimacy Factor.
Spirtiual view on life. And boundaries.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

MrsPayne said:


> I have been reading a lot off the post here. Tha main theme is that we all want that same sexlife we had when we got married. Why does it lessen, kids, stres, work time. Its not that we dont want sex. We all want that hormone driven sexlife. Is that not the reason people have affairs. They like the butterflies. The attention. But in reality life gets in the way and those things fade. Wouldend it be amazing if that emotions or lus stayed and die not fade.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In my case I think it's because we got married. I didn't make an extravagant amount of money but I have a house that my parents own which I live in rent free and I was able to have a comfortable life. When I went back to school she seemed supportive but the more I talked to her, the more I realized that it's because I'd make a lot more money than I was (nurses make six figures in the state I live in). I realized this because about half the conversations we have begin with "I can't wait until your a nurse and we can afford..."


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