# Should I initiate communication during the separation?



## ColoNeto (Oct 8, 2013)

My wife have been together for nine years and married for three of those. We recently separated.

The context
There is a never ending cycle of blame so it is difficult for me to pinpoint the starting point. In general, for me, it was more about my perceived observation that she tends to want to control things in her life as a means of feeling secure. I am also taking a guess, from our time together, that she has been afraid of not being accepted, of being judged and of being truly intimate in her relationships, including with her family. 

From my perspective, our issues seemed to really spiral when I moved in with her soon after our engagement. There was a seemingly never ending criticism and nagging about my cleaning the house: either in terms of regularity or thoroughness. The extent of the criticism seemed to me to be much more disproportional than was needed. I kept sensing that there was an underlying issue but she insisted that there was none. I kept trying to reassure her that we are on the same team but she kept insisting that she felt like she was doing it (the responsibilities of our life) on her own and was terrified to think that would be the rest of her life, especially with children.

We went to counselling where the recommendation was for me to keep on trying to do my best with the chores, riding out the waves of criticism to reassure her that I would always do my part. Unfortunately, she felt that the counselling sessions provided a forum for me to blame her for the troubles in our relationship and felt that the counsellor had taken my side. She had initially felt uncomfortable about us discussing our issues with a counsellor but had reluctantly agreed to do so long as she got to pick who it was we saw.

As the criticism continued, I began to really withdraw and in the later stages became depressed and hostile towards her (refusing any attempt or gesture of affection or interest in me from her). This lasted for over a year, mainly during the second year of our marriage. The damaging nature of my approach is very clear to me after working with a relationship counsellor and my own personal growth.

This personal growth and healing phase for me was sparked a year ago when she got a job opportunity across the country. The job offer presented an opportunity for us to have a long distance relationship (LDR) with the intent of my moving to her city within a year. This provided time and space for me to think things through as I was feeling very conflicted about if she really loved and wanted me, or if I was merely a checkbox on her meticulously planned life.

It felt good to have that time and space and I really began focusing on myself physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I had more energy, which stimulated me to learn more about relationships and eventually, to begin to realize my part hurting her, and moving away from thinking that the main issue in our relationship was with her. And that if she could only change, then there would be hope for us.

Through the initial four months of the LDR, we talked regularly by phone and with visits about every month. This was right at the beginning for our third year of marriage.

A turning point in my own journey was the moment I realized just how large my faults were and how much I had been pushing her away. I had opportunities to stay connected, to reassure her but I choose to play the victim. And, more importantly, reaffirmed for me that I love her.

I wrote a letter which started off as a breakup letter, expressing my remorse and guilt for how much I had hurt her, giving her the option of leaving or staying, but letting her know that I would always love her. I couldn't change that, regardless of if she stayed or left.

I gave her the letter at our next visit and she melted upon reading it. However, a few weeks later, a coldness and increasing hostility began to come from her. She said that the few weeks together showed her that nothing had truly changed.

I didn't loose hope and kept on my own healing and growth, kept being positive with our interactions through the LDR, even through the increasing indifference and hostility mix of interactions from her. There were sparse moments of emotional connection and physical intimacy in the last ten months but which only seemed to last for a day before the familiar patterns returned.

It felt like the more I tried to be affectionate, romantic (dinner on Valentine's, flowers, gifts,etc), the more hostile she became. Additional information about others' experiences made me realize that my approach was the wrong approach.

This hostility and coldness combo has been in play for the last ten months. I keep rationalizing that I need be as patient with her as she was with me, when I went through very similar feelings of ambivalence about us and the eventual hostility towards her.

However, a few months ago, I began to sense that there could be another reason. I checked her email and found out that she had reconnected with someone she had an EA with before we met. The OM was in a serious relationship but they had a very strong EA which was never really resolved as he was with someone else and eventually moved away. Her reach out email to him was a few months into our LDR. His response indicated that they could only be friends as he was now married. They agreed to talk by phone and Facebook. 

When I asked her about her feelings for him, she reassured me that he was an important person in her life but that she did not have any romantic feelings for him and that they could not be compatible as a couple.

I also discovered that she has developed feelings for a co-worker over the last year. From what I found, it sounds like it is a one-sided attraction and EA. She confided to a friend she is struggling with her feelings as he is gay. I had been dismissing their closeness as a good friendship which I felt happy about as she was happy and surrounded by good people. I got to meet him a couple of times he is a genuinely very nice person. 

I approached her tenderly about this as it sounded absurd that I should be worried about this scenario. I had rationalized that the reason for her hostility and the tension she said she felt when around me, was due to this secret she was carrying. She denied it at first but then admitted that she was attracted to him and had been getting the kind of emotional love and support from him that she could not get from me.

We talked about it and it seemed to open up the door a little wider. 

I moved to her city a month ago. I was not prepared emotionally for this. I had unrealistic expectations that she would be over-joyed at us being together again and give me a warm welcome. It was a very cold reception and an overwhelming, unbearable tension. I tried to engage her on what would be the best way forward for us but she said that she just did not have the energy to work on our relationship as she was focused on her career. I unfortunately caved and moved out the very same night I arrived while she was out.

I left her a letter where I said that I was leaving as I felt that she was not being honest and respectful with me. That the door would always be open for her, and to us, if she was willing to trust me enough to be honest with me. 

My intent was not a breakup but to do a 180 and to go silent (based on the Divorce Busting book) as it felt like I had been doing the same thing over and over in the last year, of reaching out, being gentle and trying to be supportive. 

However, when she found the letter, she was shocked. She thought I had ended our marriage. She called asking for us to talk to clarify what had just happened as she was confused. 

We had a good and honest conversation where she told me how both anxious and angry the letter made her feel as she believed that I had decided to end our marriage. She said she was even more confused as she thought that though things had not been great, that we had been making progress. It was one of the most open and honest conversations we had had in a long time.

We didn't see each other again until a week later and spent a good weekend at a conference back in our home city. However, soon after, I discovered a list where she had compared me to both her co-worker as well as the person she had been in an EA with. There was also a fourth person on the list who I think is someone else from her past but may also be someone she also works with.

For a second time in as many weeks, I let my anger and pain get the better of me and I sent her a harsh email accusing her of not being honest and of having emotional affairs.

I went through a week of utter confusion wafting from regret at having sent the email to questioning if she was a good person and if she had ever really been honest with me, or even loved me. It really hurt to realize she had recently been comparing me to someone she said she could not see herself with and who was just a friend.

A session with my relationship coach helped me to clarify that my preferred outcome was for us to reconcile. My email had not provided any room of that. I sent a follow up email a couple of weeks later apologizing for putting her in that spot.

She replied, apologizing of using email to do so, but requested that I do not move back to her city. She said that I seemed bent on making her out to be unfaithful so that I could find a reason to end our marriage. That the email I sent had made her feel unloved, and worse, hated. That I did not seem to want to see things from her perspective.

She also opened up to really share with me just what she had been feeling: uncertainty about our compatibility, the emotional distance between us, the lack of support from me, her pain and her loneliness. She needed time to think things through but is not feeling certain about our future together.

I should have been devastated by this but I was overjoyed. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like she actually cares about me and about us. And it made me understand that her anger and hostility had been coming from a place of deep pain and uncertainty.

The dilemma
This served as another wake up call to me. Despite my belief that I was making good progress on my own growth, I had been looking at the situation from my side primarily. 

However, I am not certain whether or not I should keep on with my initial 180 approach of not getting in touch with her, as well as honouring her request for space and time. What makes me uncertain is that there is no communication to re-build any trust or connection. I fear that this will only serve to magnify the distance between us. This is compounded by the LDR and what I sense to be her emotional vulnerability at this point in time.

I also think that rebuilding a good level of communication and trust is necessary before we discuss my lingering questions about her EA.

Should I maintain the 180 approach and not contact her unless she makes the first step?

Or should I be making attempts to reach out to her, to maintain some sort of connection between us?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Keep up the 180. If she doesn't come back then she didn't want you anyway and you should be well on your way to detaching.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Agree with Chris. Stick with the 180. Do it for yourself. Either way, you will be better off in the end.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That gay chap. If he'd been straight or bi-sexual, how likely would it have been that she and he would, to use an old British rural expression, "have been at it like a rat up a pump"?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

ColoNeto, forget the 180. Its a huge waste of time. I take it you have no kids. Your wife is a liar, a cheater, and she is just holding on to you long enough to find a better deal for herself. Why do you hang on to such a terrible situation. She has done PLENTY to disrespect you, to show you just how low her opinion of you is. You are playing the fool. Wake up and get out. Show some self respect and flush her out of your life, like the terd that she is! You tell her you'd always keep the door open? What she heard when you told her this was "I am an idiot, and I will make it easy for you to go shopping for a better guy. Further, I have no self-respect, and you have reason to not want me.".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You both are playing games and not fully committing to the marriage, she especially appears to be shopping for an affair , she'll find it soon enough.

My advice - just divorce her. Marriage is work, but it isn't begging the other person to want to be with you.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Let her go and start detaching. You are allowing her to define who you are as a man. Never do this. It's like a epidemic on this forum. You blame yourself for everything, but you did not make her cheat. Set a deadline to move on and keep it.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

ColoNeto said:


> My wife have been together for nine years and married for three of those. We recently separated.
> 
> The context
> *There is a never ending cycle of blame so it is difficult for me to pinpoint the starting point. In general, for me, it was more about my perceived observation that she tends to want to control things in her life as a means of feeling secure.* I am also taking a guess, from our time together, that she has been afraid of not being accepted, of being judged and of being truly intimate in her relationships, including with her family.
> ...


Dear ColoNedo,

I suggest you keep doing what you've been doing for your entire marriage:

1) Excusing her abusive behavior;

2) Blaming yourself for the way she's mistreated you;

3) Sending her letters in which you assume responsibility for all the problems in your marriage and admit that you are not worthy of her;

4) Following her around like a little lost puppy while she works on her career;

5) Treating her "tenderly" when you discover that she is chasing after other men;

6) Being a human yo-yo, sending her notes that indicate that you are through and then apologizing and begging her to forgive you for doing so;

7) Being "overjoyed" when she tells you not to move back, that the two of you are not compatibility, that you don't support her, that you have caused her pain and loneliness and that the two of you have no future together; and

8) Rationalizing that she treats you the way she does because she is "emotionally vulnerable."

If you continue to do this, you can continue to abide for a few more months or maybe even a couple of years in the miserable marriage you so long to preserve, and she can continue to treat you like sh*t for as long as she likes.

Of course, this is only a temporary solution because, one day, she will find another victim, probably one who makes a lot more money than you, and she will have to dump you. But that's good, too, because that is probably the only way that a guy with as little self-respect as you will finally realize that it's time to find your b*lls, move on with your life and find a decent woman who will treat you with love and respect.

OK, I admit, that was pretty harsh, but you seemed so oblivious to the extent of your W's cruelty and to your co-dependency behavior that I thought you needed a wake-up call. I hope you are now awake. 

Please read "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. If you do, you will realize that your W is a toxic person whom you need to remove from your life. Then read "Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay to find out how to attract and hold onto a woman worth having in your life.

Good luck.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

ColoNeto,

This is a mess. You guys should not have separated (that's a free ticket to cheat). Even worse, living across the country from one another is a recipe for disaster. Out of sight, out of mind right?

At this point, my advice is for you to chalk this one up to experiences of what not to do and go your separate ways. Sounds like she's moved on already, so should you.

If you want more pain, then start living together for starters and find out just what she's been up to. My guess, you won't like what you find.

Just my 2 cents.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sorry to say this but you don't have a marriage. your one statement, *"And that if she could only change, then there would be hope for us." *really sums it up. You have sent her breakup letters, which confused her. Whether she is cheating or not to me is not the big issue at this point. There seems to be smoke. You have pushed her away big time. Reread your thread if you need to be reminded. During the year you guys were apart there was no passion.


*"She also opened up to really share with me just what she had been feeling: uncertainty about our compatibility, the emotional distance between us, the lack of support from me, her pain and her loneliness. She needed time to think things through but is not feeling certain about our future together.

I should have been devastated by this but I was overjoyed. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like she actually cares about me and about us. And it made me understand that her anger and hostility had been coming from a place of deep pain and uncertainty."*

Frankly and honestly, if I were your wife, I would not want to be with you. I would not cheat on you, but divorce would be in the near future. 

I am dealing with a couple right now in counseling and they are basically doing the same thing. If I was to wager that they will still be marriaged next year I would say I would lose that wager. Last night they fought for over 40 minutes and the other counselor has no clue what they were arguing over. She kept asking them what is the issue and they skirted it and he kept threatening to D her and then apologized for saying that. Last week I had him in for individual counseling and I was so confused by the end of the session and I am rarely confused in these sessions. 

I am very confused at how you have been dealing with your wife. Sending breakup letters, emails, then apologizing. Working on yourself, getting yourself in a better place but you seem to leave your wife out of all this.

i am confused. And i do believe your wife is really confused.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Thorn, if they're not telling you what the issue is, then they're fighting about sex.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear ColoNedo,
> 
> I suggest you keep doing what you've been doing for your entire marriage:
> 
> ...




:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I could write several paragraphs saying the same as others here(not quite as elequently)

BUT SIMPLY PUT..............Listen to the people here they know what they are talking about


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

MrHappyHat said:


> Thorn, if they're not telling you what the issue is, then they're fighting about sex.


Actually, I know about their sex life, they do talk about it and right now there is none. Short version, she had a difficult pregnancy and has some complications and combined with that poor communications and intimacy issues have not helped in that department.

And that seems to be part of the probelm with the OP. Poor communication skills and very little intimacy.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Sorry to say this but you don't have a marriage. your one statement, *"And that if she could only change, then there would be hope for us." *really sums it up. You have sent her breakup letters, which confused her. Whether she is cheating or not to me is not the big issue at this point. There seems to be smoke. You have pushed her away big time. Reread your thread if you need to be reminded. During the year you guys were apart there was no passion.
> 
> 
> *"She also opened up to really share with me just what she had been feeling: uncertainty about our compatibility, the emotional distance between us, the lack of support from me, her pain and her loneliness. She needed time to think things through but is not feeling certain about our future together.
> ...


Thornburn,

While I greatly admire you and believe that your advice is usually spot on, in this case, I think it misses the mark.

OP had more than enough justification for pushing his W away (as you call it), given the way she has treated him since even before they were married. His mistake, IMO, was losing his nerve every time he started to pull away and apologizing for it.

I also don't see OP's W as being "confused" but rather claiming confusion in order to keep him around but at arm's length while she figures out the best time to move on.

I see in OP the signs of a co-dependent man. Most telling is his description of how he felt and what he concluded the year they were physically separated:



> This personal growth and healing phase for me was sparked a year ago when she got a job opportunity across the country. The job offer presented an opportunity for us to have a long distance relationship (LDR) with the intent of my moving to her city within a year. This provided time and space for me to think things through as I was feeling very conflicted about if she really loved and wanted me, or if I was merely a checkbox on her meticulously planned life.
> 
> It felt good to have that time and space and I really began focusing on myself physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I had more energy, which stimulated me to learn more about relationships and eventually, to begin to realize my part hurting her, and moving away from thinking that the main issue in our relationship was with her. And that if she could only change, then there would be hope for us.


Thus, while OP actually felt better while they were apart, he ultimately concluded that he was the cause of their marital problems (when all the facts he recites suggests otherwise). [Note: I believe you misinterpret the statement, "And that if she could only change, then there would be hope for us." I read what he is saying is that he was "moving away from thinking" this.]

I agree with you that OP's marriage is unlikely to last long, not because of what he has done/is doing but because she will end it when she is ready no matter what he does. I see this as a good thing for OP (even better would be for him to end the marriage himself, but I see little likelihood of this happening) because the marriage is not good for him and is hindering his personal growth.

Perhaps I misunderstand what you are saying but, if you are telling him that he is to blame for the state of his marriage and advising him that he should try to hold on to his W, I disagree and believe this will only lead to further heartache for OP.


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## ColoNeto (Oct 8, 2013)

Some great advice here. Hard hitting but definitely necessary for me to hear.

Carmen Ohio, you got it right. It is not that I think the solution is to change her. It was a belief that I did have in the past but not any longer. The only person I can change is myself.

To move on, and to really grow, I also need to understand my part in all of this. I want to be a stronger, wiser, healthier man in all of my relationships, and not just my romantic ones. 

If I don't, this will all most likely happen again.

To that end, I am looking at my current situation as a learning experience and gleaning a lot from all of the advice provided.

Thank you for the book recommendations. I just started "Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" and what an eye opener! I had an 'Aha!' moment jjust from reading the first few chapters. They should make books like this a core part of any high school and college curriculum. 

Thorburn, you also got it right. I am and have been very confused. And for a long time, unclear about what I want. Emotionally, very immature.

I am not a conselor but I think the following book may help the couple you are working with gain some clarity: 'Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love' (Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson). 

This is another book I read recently where a lot of things, in my particular situation, became very clear.

However, what is done is done. 

The way foward is very clear to me. 

Thank you all for the no BS advice.


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## ColoNeto (Oct 8, 2013)

Thank you everyone. Some hard hitting advice and feedback but which I do need to hear.

You have it right carmen ohio. I have moved away from this thinking. The only person I can change is myself.

My challenge here, and moving forward, is to become a stronger man and a better person, with great relationships, including those non-romantic ones, and most importantly with myself.

The reality is that I do have a part to play in all of this and I can learn from this. 

Thank you for the recommendation on the Marriage Primer book! One of those 'aha' moments which I wish I had earlier in life. They should make this book a core part of any high school curriculum.

It certainly helped me to understand a lot of things and to clear up my confusion about this situation. So many things really clicked.

Thorburn, I am not a counselor but have a feeling that the following book may be helpful for the couple you are working with: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love)

Thank you again all. This makes the way forward very clear and easy for me.


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