# Brutal honesty in the bedroom



## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

First, just an observation about TAM - if you look at the most active forums and the forums with the most posts it's the infidelity forum and this one (the sex in marriage forum). These two forums by themselves comprise the bulk of the traffic by a wide margin. Ergo, sex is a big deal maintaining a healthy marriage. A HUGE deal. Of course we all intuitively know that but I thought that metric was interesting!

My own marriage fell victim to an ongoing EA/PA by my STBXW and I've been doing a lot of thinking what went wrong in the relationship. My STBXW always maintained (and still to this day does) that her only problem in our relationship was the sex. Namely I wasn't doing it for her. I wasn't "reading her" and fulfilling her needs (never mind about mine but that's neither here nor there). We had no physical issues, but we could never communicate sexually insofar as communicating wants/needs/desires in a way we both could understand. I now know, piecing together the evidence, she wanted me to be more alpha (I was too beta and I realize that now), she wanted me to give her more foreplay, to ravage her, to whisper sweet nothings, to basically make her feel "wanted". Yet, even when asked what was wrong before everything went to hell, she could never communicate this to me in a way I could understand. When she wanted sex she would say "I'm going to bed now" or "let's go to bed...come with me!" both of which I interpreted often as incessant nagging (I'm a nightowl she isn't...) not because I didn't want to have sex but because she was not direct with her needs. Men aren't mind readers!

I could go on but I think the real problem is that men and women aren't brutally honest with each other in relationships -- especially when it comes to sex. Women tend to treat men as women and men tend to treat women as men. For example, there are certain things a woman won't say to her girlfriend for fear of "hurting her feelings" or out of some misplaced desire to "protect her". She'll do the same thing to her man. A woman might not say that the sex wasn't good, that she needed more time to orgasm, that the guy wasn't hitting her buttons out of some misplaced notion of "protecting him" and not "hurting his feelings". Often they'll make things worse by "faking it". But see the problem? In that case a man would think everything is perfectly fine when it is anything but. That's not being brutally honest. A man isn't a woman. Men are fixers, typically, and want to know if they have a problem that needs to be fixed. We're also not mind readers so you need to be explicit with us! If you are brutally honest, you'll be responsible for YOUR happiness and communicate explicitly your needs/wants/desires. You'll say the sex sucks. You didn't orgasm because you needed more time/stimulation. You want more foreplay. You want to be taken. You'll say "I want to fu#k" instead of "I'm going to bed."


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

marriage can become a cesspool of secrecy where everybody knows the spouses better than the spouses know each other.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Interesting thoughts.

In my first real relationship, I struggled to be honest in this area. He was into alot of poem and had expectations of me to be like that, to enjoy masturvation, to desire lesbian encounters, anal etc. Truth is, I hated all that stuff, and when we did have sex I felt like a masturbation aide, or blow up doll. I would tale to make him finish, but sometimes it just made him get into it more.

In retrospect, and in a more mature and assertive state of mind, I would have been honest. Actually, I would have left him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I wrote this on my phone with autocorrect. Poem was supposed to be porn
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondboy44 (Feb 23, 2012)

Influx, you hit a key point IMHO. There's a great book "Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus" and I have found it to be so true. A marital counsellor recommended it to us. Men and women communicate in different ways. My wife expects me to "just know" things, without her telling me; I tell her that what I need is "clear, direct, English statements." I tell her that "I flunked mind-reading" in college, but she still has no understanding and I don't think she ever finished the book. Anyway, you might want to read it.


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