# Stay At Home Dads.........



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I have been seeing a few posts here on TAM about* Stay At Home Dads* who are dissatisfied. 
As usual there are arguments on both sides of the gender divide. Women love the idea, but even those men who _are_ themselves SAHD's appear to be either nonchalant, stigmatised or dissatisfied.
They never seem excited about it.
I have known a few cases in real life where it did not work well and ended in separation and divorce .
Only two cases I personally know where this arrangement has worked well.

So my questions are directed to the SAHD on TAM;


1]What has been your experience, is it positive?

2]What has been the reaction you get from other people regarding your choice to stay at home and allow your wife to become the breadwinner of the family?

3]What has been your wife's reaction. Do you think she looks at you and respects you the same as before?

4]Is being a stay at home dad as fulfilling to you as going out , working and providing for your family?

5]Is there a power differential in your marriage, and who usually has the final say when serious decisions are to be taken and there is an impasse ?

6]being a stay at home dad have an effect on your sex life, if so how?


I would like to have ladies input / point of view as well.
The main purpose of the post is to get a general idea of how men feel about it versus what women think ,
And why.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I wish I had more input. My only experience regarding this was when my last husband retired from the military and decided he was not going to work again and that I was going to support the family. He earned about $40k a year in retirement pay and I wasn't ok with him retiring. Our kids had all grown and left home except one, who was due to leave for college in a matter of months. 

I did encourage him to do something part-time if he wanted to care for our home and such. He didn't want to take care of the house interior at all, though. Mow the lawn and trim hedges was the extent of what he wanted to do on the house. 

2) I have been the breadwinner a few times. I had a LTR where the guy was out of work for about two years. Neither I nor others had much respect for him because he claimed to be looking for work and never found any, but found plenty of ways to go drinking. He would go give plasma to get money for beer. 

My first husband also went through about a year where he only earned $30 a week working four hours at a junkyard, but was also attending school. I had much more respect for that. 

5) During the "retirement" thing, there wasn't a power differential, but in the other two cases, I assumed most of the power in the relationship, which created many power struggles that ended the relationships.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I resepct stay at home's dad as much as I respect anyone that works (in home or out) and gets things done. Good work is good work.

With that said...

I would never want my husband to be a stay at home parent/spouse (we are childless). I'm sure I would end up feeling resentful if I ever started feeling that my husband couldn't PAY for this or that for me (yes I know my money would be our money... but still). I like knowing that my husband can, and does, treat me out to dinner, movies, shows etc. Makes me feel like I'm still being courted which is important to me and gives me great reasons to keep my self and my body hot and in shape. I love being his arm candy when he's treating me to somewhere nice. 

Also, I could see myslef losing respect for him if I regularly walked in on him napping, or waching tv or chilling on the sofa, especially after I've been working all day.

I do believe that men are naturally built to work, outside the home. The strength, height, testosterone , muscles all say to ME that men are,not meant to be stay at home parent'sBspouses. Women, being the weaker, shorter, less physical sex seem like the better in home parent/spouse to me.

I am a stay at home wife, hubby works 5 days a week and I keep our place homely and comfortable and go to school. We are planning on having children eventually and I will certainly be a stay at home. After getting my degree, I may decide to go to work, or I may just stay home. Either wa, it's good to know that my husban would respect whatever choice I made and could provide for me,and would do so happily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't understand the mentality of staying home and not doing something that contributes financially. Why not be a "work from home" dad?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I'm probably one of the most well known SAHD's on TAM so I'll chime in. 

Met my wife 18 years ago, I was working full time and supported her all through college. Fed her, let her live in my place so she would not have to pay room and board at school for 4 years. Got married and waited 3 1/2 years to have kids. When my son was born I moved to 3rd shift and she stayed working during the day. I'd come home at 7am take care of him with very little sleep. Did not see each other all week. Well that did not last long, so we evaluated potential incomes and I decided to stay home. Worked well at first. Had 2nd kid in 2006. My wife was moving up because of this and bought new house. 


Last year I could see a change in her, distant from me and kids. Only cared about work. She would belittle me in front of friends and family. Being the "nice guy" I never stood up for myself. Had that gut feeling she was cheating with neighbor. Made a huge mistake confronting with no evidence. She responded defensively. Ask what "proof" I had. Dumb arse me said I just had that gut feeling. 


Started reading MMSG and NMMNG books. Changed myself for the better and from April-sept this year seemed better. Then things got cold, could feel the lack of respect creeping back in. 


Got tons of advice from members here to go back to work or school. Well my job would not let me work part time. I needed to be here for kids vacations, days off and get them going in morning and after school homework and activities. So I am now on the path to start schooling next year to change my career. 


Bio of my wife: Came from a home where mom and dad showed no affection toward each other. Not much affection to my wife and her sister. Dating my wife was great, I had the job, appt, money. That put me in the drivers seat as far as dominant/Alpha. 


That's the thing that changed becoming a SAHD, roles changed, she has always been a bit Alpha female but it soared in the last few years. Disrespected me and kids. I think the combo of being breadwinner and her upbringing played a big part. Did not help that I let it get this bad without voicing my concern. But that is what changes a man when he decides to play the part of mr. Mom. It does not happen overnight either. 


Well after reading those books I am getting myself back and I can tell she liked the change early on. But in my opinion she was fearing losing control of power. So the last few months have not been good. I may have messed up by trying to have a discussion about communication and lack of intimacy. Doing this was showing too much Beta. I have all the Beta I need being a SAHD. 


Members here have givin me a lot of insight that is spot on. Going back to school is something I want to do for myself. If she continues to show lack of respect I need an out. I need to be able to support myself and kids. I can't stay in this marriage with the way things are going. 


As for infidelity on her part I am still looking for concrete proof. The VAR has picked up a few things but nothing I could show as proof. I have decided if there is cheating I will not be married to this woman. 


Final note on being a SAHD's, it is the most rewarding experience for me and kids. Never had to worry about daycare. They are safe, fed, clothed, and do amazing in school. My daughter and son love having me around and will always remember the great times growing up. 


My dad and mom got divorced when I was 5 and he was never around. That was tough on me, he died 15 years later and even though we were not close I cried like crazy when I got the news.


Oh and BTW, I don't ever take naps, watch tv or lounge around all day. I'm constantly doing project around house and volunteering at school. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

My wife and I don't have children together.

I am a professional actor. I left a decently paying job a few years ago to pursue my dreams full time, as I have a degree in Acting/Theatre from a major university. In between contracted work, it's not uncommon for her to be making more money than me, and she definitely has more steady, typical hours and works at a renowned broadcasting company, and has a great position in their HR department.

She doesn't give a sh*t. She's my biggest fan, is 1000% encouraging, and we don't have any of the mr.nice guy/disrepect/belitting crap I see all over TAM. My wife does not lord over me, the very concept is hilarious, and she loves to jump my bones. 

I have periods, like most artists pursuing the art professionally, where I do the "maybe I should just buckle and get a soulless job" dance, because I want to be a more steady provider for my baby. She tells me to shut my mouth, and encourages me to keep going. I'll ask her every once in awhile if she wants me to go back into regular, fulltime, "standard" work, and she says absolutely not. She knew who she married, she loves who she married, and we don't let a lot of the usual marriage killers get in the way.

So nothing with us has changed. When I've had a lot of cash in the pocket, and when I have not, we stay the same. My money is hers, and her money is mine.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Hi CB,

I've been lurking on here for quite a while now, hoping to learn about marital problems and how people deal with them. Obviously mine is not perfect or I would not be here. But, after reading for a few weeks about other people's issues, I think I have figured out where *I* went wrong and how to fix it. I don't know why I didn't think of it before because we've been down this road in the past and was given the advice by an MC. We've already put a few things into place and we'll be fine. I'm 100% confident in saying that. I don't know why it didn't dawn on me earlier...

Anyways, your post inspired me to join and give my 2 cents on this subject. It's something I hold very close to my heart. I consider myself to be extremely fortunate in regards to being able to stay home with my 4 children 6 months out of the year. My work is seasonal. I only work in the warmer months and when I do work VERY long hours. When home, it allowed my wife to get away from the kids an socialize at work with people that were more than 3 feet tall.  That, She very much appreciated! It allowed me to raise my children from a Man's perspective. They are very different.



Caribbean Man said:


> 1]What has been your experience, is it positive?


Very positive! Children grow up and emulate their parents in many ways. Being able to raise them half of the year gave me the opportunity to instil my values, work ethic,_attitude_ in them. I hope that comes across okay...My wife and I share the same values, but we are different people and we obviously act differently, being the opposite sex. 



Caribbean Man said:


> 2]What has been the reaction you get from other people regarding your choice to stay at home and allow your wife to become the breadwinner of the family?


My situation is a little different because I was the breadwinner, although the extra money my wife brought in helped a lot.



Caribbean Man said:


> 3]What has been your wife's reaction. Do you think she looks at you and respects you the same as before?


She loved the fact that She could get out and that I could get very close to the children. There's nothing like being with them 24/7. Going to work and seeing them for a few hours after doesn't even compare. And yes, She respected me for it, if not more.



Caribbean Man said:


> 4]Is being a stay at home dad as fulfilling to you as going out , working and providing for your family?


Let's put it this way, when that first job came up in the spring, I left with a tear in my eye. It was very rewarding. I love my work, but my kids more.



Caribbean Man said:


> 5]Is there a power differential in your marriage, and who usually has the final say when serious decisions are to be taken and there is an impasse ?


Me, we talk about things on a regular basis, but if something doesn't "add up" it's not going to happen.



Caribbean Man said:


> 6]being a stay at home dad have an effect on your sex life, if so how?


yes, I wasn't working 90 hours/week, so I got a LOT more nookie! :lol:

I get the impression, that you may feel that SAHD;s may be demasculinized (is that a word?) I think in a lot of cases they are. But, I think in a lot of cases they ALLOW it to happen. Just because you're raising your children doesn't mean you are a whimp. I am NOT and would NEVER let that be taken from me. I worked hard construction all summer and instilled values, discipline and a little bit of the crazy side of me into my children. We had a blast! I didn't want them turning into social robots that our education system wants them to be...

Long first post! Whew! :rofl:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

T&T said:


> Hi CB,
> 
> I've been lurking on here for quite a while now, hoping to learn about marital problems and how people deal with them. Obviously mine is not perfect or I would not be here. But, after reading for a few weeks about other people's issues, I think I have figured out where *I* went wrong and how to fix it. I don't know why I didn't think of it before because we've been down this road in the past and was given the advice by an MC. We've already put a few things into place and we'll be fine. I'm 100% confident in saying that. I don't know why it didn't dawn on me earlier...
> 
> ...


Thank you T&T for your honest response.
It actually made me smile because we both seem to be on the same bandwith regarding this.

In my original post, I did make mention of the fact that of all the cases of SAHD I personally know , only two were successful.
Quite interestingly, one of them was a case similar to yours.
The guy is a businessman, a personal friend of mine.
He and his wife had a son. His wife was studying for her bachelors and she worked in a corporate environment.
What he did is that during her last year of studies, he took two years off and became a full time SAHD, whilst running his business from home.

When his son was old enough he sent him out to school,and started beck going out to work.

He never had a complaint and today he and his son are inseparable

I see in your post you mentioned that you work half of the year.

I think that has worked in your favour!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Where are your kids Jaquen?:rofl::rofl:
Time to get cracking!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I will put a spin on this. I work from home. Have a full machine shop, though been very tough lately. I believe my fiance very much resents the fact that I get to go to my office in jammy pants and coffee and answer emails and such in the morning. She understands that how I look has nothing to do with what I am doing but.... I think she also hates the fact that there is flexibility in my schedule. Hell, she is also self employed but schedules her clients and must go to work and look good for it. It is almost like she needs to see her man locked and loaded with lunch pail and work boots and come home dog tired to have done anything in a day.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Thank you T&T for your honest response.
> It actually made me smile because we both seem to be on the same bandwith regarding this.
> 
> In my original post, I did make mention of the fact that of all the cases of SAHD I personally know , only two were successful.
> ...


Working half of the year did work our in our favour, even if the hours were extremely long. I loved it and thought I had the best of both worlds. I'm not sure why I wrote that post in the 'present' form. Maybe, because it triggered fond memories? :scratchhead:

The kids are grown and moved out now. Three still live in the same city as us and we see the all the time. We're very close! I'm now a business man myself, who can work from home when I see fit. My wife went back to college recently and I'm now back to looking after household chores. I want her to be able to focus completely on her grades and it's paying off! We've always swapped duties along the way. If I'm swamped, she picks up the slack. Visa-Versa if she's busy. We've been switching back and forth on the household chores and who stayed home with the children our whole marriage.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> I have been seeing a few posts here on TAM about* Stay At Home Dads* who are dissatisfied.
> As usual there are arguments on both sides of the gender divide. Women love the idea, but even those men who _are_ themselves SAHD's appear to be either nonchalant, stigmatised or dissatisfied.
> They never seem excited about it.
> I have known a few cases in real life where it did not work well and ended in separation and divorce .
> ...


My dad was a stay-at-home dad. My mom made more money after she had me, and they refused to do the daycare thing, so my dad stayed home. Once my brother and I were in school he went back to college, and then started working. For us it was great. We got to fish instead of do our homework. 

For me, I'm currently a stay-at-home wife. I would totally respect my husband if he were to be a SAHD. I know what my bother and I were like. But I would rather be the parent at home.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> My dad was a stay-at-home dad. My mom made more money after she had me, and they refused to do the daycare thing, so my dad stayed home. Once my brother and I were in school he went back to college, and then started working.* For us it was great. We got to fish instead of do our homework. *
> 
> For me, I'm currently a stay-at-home wife. I would totally respect my husband if he were to be a SAHD. I know what my bother and I were like. But I would rather be the parent at home.


^^^^^^
Lucky Girl!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

1]What has been your experience, is it positive?

Hubby enjoys it mostly but does take the baby to a sitter on occasion for 'sanity time'.

2]What has been the reaction you get from other people regarding your choice to stay at home and allow your wife to become the breadwinner of the family?

I think our family and friends have been supportive.


3]What has been your wife's reaction. Do you think she looks at you and respects you the same as before?

I get all dewy eyed and sentimental when I see hubby curled up with our son in the morning. It's a softer side of my hubby that gets me all emotional. 

4]Is being a stay at home dad as fulfilling to you as going out , working and providing for your family?

Definitely not for hubby - he's retired due to injury so he would much rather be the one going to work every day.

5]Is there a power differential in your marriage, and who usually has the final say when serious decisions are to be taken and there is an impasse ?

No - we still function fairly equally on this. Big decisions are still discussed and agreed on. 

6]being a stay at home dad have an effect on your sex life, if so how?

Actually - we have sex more now than ever before because he's home and to be honest, it's hot to see him with our son.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

1. Negative experience - i was stay at home dad 4 days a week and worked 3 days. Wife earny a little more and at times used this agianst me.

2. Being in the country and most dads work and mums stays at home still, some were surprised.

3. respected me at first but then got jealous that i had more energy at the end of the day

4. i really enjoyed seeing my daughter heaps. and i kept the house/property betetr than my wife did when she was home

5. She become hell of a lot more moody and bossy

6. well our sex life went to zero. major reason we are gettign divorced. she had no energy or love.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My ex worked from home after we broke up so he could take care of our daughter during the day while I worked (she was 2). He didn't want her in daycare and I was appreciative. He took care of her from home for 2 years while I worked during the day. Well, he worked at home too. It was a good arrangement. She didn't have to be raised by anyone else, which is good because we couldn't have afforded good care like I had now for my younger daughter.

I don't think my husband could do it. He had th ebaby on his days off while i worked which was good for bonding, but my husband is a worker and provider. He wouldn't be happy. I like taking care of my home too. I wouldn't be ok with him staying home.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I have been seeing a few posts here on TAM about* Stay At Home Dads* who are dissatisfied.
> As usual there are arguments on both sides of the gender divide. Women love the idea, but even those men who _are_ themselves SAHD's appear to be either nonchalant, stigmatised or dissatisfied.
> They never seem excited about it.
> I have known a few cases in real life where it did not work well and ended in separation and divorce .
> ...


It's going to depend on the woman. In my case, being SAHD merely caused trouble. 

Though the wife was gone a lot, when she came home, she immediately resumed "queen of the house" and undercut every level of discipline and all the rules I worked on to get a household of 7 working. 

Further, the day my wife got her job security ( probation done), at her first good paying job, was the day I can pinpoint as the day my love life died. (sex, too) Oh, not all at once, but very, very fast. 

It took me 15 years to actually come to understnd and internalize that about the woman I married... that she was that shallow about money - that money = power and the moment she had the money, she believed she deserved the power - all of it. No matter all the claims to principle and commitment and integrity and all that, it turns out that she views money as power, and if I don't have it, I don't get it. Simple enough. 

So, my experience? Relatively negative. I don't believe it has to be, but it requires good faith commitments on the part of both, and it requires some honesty, rather than just acting out and then refusing to deal with it. 

As far as dealing with the kids and being the parent, I can't say it was the best... Parenting should be done with two, it works best that way. Single parenting is a monster job no person is truly equipped to handle.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> It's going to depend on the woman. In my case, being SAHD merely caused trouble.
> 
> Though the wife was gone a lot, when she came home, she immediately resumed "queen of the house" and undercut every level of discipline and all the rules I worked on to get a household of 7 working.
> 
> ...


Your wife could want all the power in the world.

I guess my question is, did you _allow_ her to take the power in your relationship, and with the family? Where there some sort of battle for power, or did you just relent?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> *It's going to depend on the woman. In my case, being SAHD merely caused trouble.
> 
> *.


Well I think it not only depend on the woman, but the dynamics between the couple.
The fractures in the relationship that existed before the decision to become a SAHD will most likely worsen after if they were not resolved.
And yes , money = power.
But what you do with that power is totally up to you, the person with the power. There's a saying that in every person, exist both a superhero and a villain.
We chose which one we want to be.
That said,
A man who is a SAHD should also try to have a revenue stream no matter how small because,
Money = power.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> I have been seeing a few posts here on TAM about* Stay At Home Dads* who are dissatisfied.
> As usual there are arguments on both sides of the gender divide. Women love the idea, but even those men who _are_ themselves SAHD's appear to be either nonchalant, stigmatised or dissatisfied.
> They never seem excited about it.
> I have known a few cases in real life where it did not work well and ended in separation and divorce .
> ...


My husband was a SAHD for 7 years and yes he suffered hell for it from my family. BUT...in my family's defense...and mine...I would still have to come home from work and clean house and cook and do yard work, etc... so that was all he did was babysit. On one hand it was wonderful seeing my husband spend time with our child and bond with him, but on the other I was miserable and tired and cranky all the time because I worked 40-50 hours a week and did all the work around the house and also have the stigma of not being an attentive and nurturing enough mother because I was spending so much time trying to catch up on everything else I was stuck with, I didn't have time enough to spend just being a mom. 

I often regret not being able to be a SAHM...but I'm the breadwinner (or was...he has a great job now).


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

DayDream said:


> My husband was a SAHD for 7 years and yes he suffered hell for it from my family. BUT...in my family's defense...and mine...*I would still have to come home from work and clean house and cook and do yard work, etc... so that was all he did was babysit.* .


^^^^^^^^
This part made me smile, actually.
But I'm glad you shared your story, because each situation is different.
From your perspective , you were almost like a single parent, supporting both your _husband _and new born child.
So the negatives far outweighed the positive, because of his actions.
This brought resentment.

Am I correct?


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I've been a SAHD for over 4 years and I absolutely hate it. I was put on permanent disability for a spinal condition that resulted in 3 surgeries, 2 being fusions. My long time county employer feared for my long term safety, I was a meter reader and loved it, but lost a battle to stay. Because of my time spent, I do draw a monthly pension so I do contribute financially. Most of our marriage I was the "bread winner" and now my wife obviously makes more, but we rely on each other financially. I do help with a friends business several times a year but mostly a "househusband".
I do all of the daily things to keep the house running so my working wife has to do very little and I have no problem with this, but it has seriously effected my self esteem over the years coupled with my wife's lack of attention, has made me not very happy. I've worked since I was 14, so being done at 44 isn't good, I'm 48 now.
Nobody looks down on me for being at home and I've been able to help my parents & siblings more, because of the freedom. They know if it was my choice I would still be working.
This has had a bearing on our marriage but only because I have no distractions from my issues, we had problems before I was home, at least to me. My wife doesn't let much bother her and between her working and now watching our grand daughter 80% of the time, she doesn't have much left for the marriage. I think she thinks as long as we get a long and love each other then that is enough, but I feel differently, like my other postings reveal.
My 2 sons and daughter, now adults also realize that not working was forced on me and not a choice so it hasn't affected them negatively. Some of my former co workers tease me about the "good life" but I tell them after the first 3 months or so being home you will go "crazy", especially when you loved your job.
My wife has respected our decisions with money the same as she did before I was released. Most of the SAHD issues have been me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

T&T said:


> I get the impression, that you may feel that SAHD;s may be demasculinized (is that a word?) I think in a lot of cases they are. But, I think in a lot of cases they ALLOW it to happen. Just because you're raising your children doesn't mean you are a whimp. I am NOT and would NEVER let that be taken from me. I worked hard construction all summer and instilled values, discipline and a little bit of the crazy side of me into my children. We had a blast! I didn't want them turning into social robots that our education system wants them to be...
> 
> Long first post! Whew! :rofl:


Very well said, and very true.

I personally know of 3 circumstances with SAHD's, none of them worked out very well. Utterly emasculated, critiqued, and no respect from their spouse.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

(I don't "like" deejo's response, I just agree  )


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> ^^^^^^^^
> This part made me smile, actually.
> But I'm glad you shared your story, because each situation is different.
> From your perspective , you were almost like a single parent, supporting both your _husband _and new born child.
> ...


Correct.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Very well said, and very true.
> 
> I personally know of 3 circumstances with SAHD's, none of them worked out very well. Utterly emasculated, critiqued, and no respect from their spouse.


Thank you,

I don't understand why they allow it to happen. They were the same person when working. Why would that change? 

Best,


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

My husband b*tches about how he wasn't respected as a SAHD yet he didn't do anything really to earn the respect. It would have been different if I'd have come home to even just as little as the dishes being done, carpet vaccumed, maybe him providing dinner a few times a week...but I did it all still. Plus when you walk in the door after a 10 hour day and the kid has been bored and playing by himself all day and then expects you to entertain him because dad layed on the couch all day...well...you reap what you sew, man. And he can't even claim I just saw him laying down for a minute because I'd ask our kid, "What'd you and daddy do today?" and the kid would say, "Nothing. Daddy was sleeping." Plus there was the time daddy was sleeping and the kid got into the medicine cabinet (I don't know how...it was childproofed...) and then daddy had to take the kid to ER, but only after I got home and he told me about it and I made him take him to ER. God...I'm getting pi$$ed off all over again just thinking about it.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

DayDream said:


> My husband b*tches about how he wasn't respected as a SAHD yet he didn't do anything really to earn the respect. It would have been different if I'd have come home to even just as little as the dishes being done, carpet vaccumed, maybe him providing dinner a few times a week...but I did it all still. Plus when you walk in the door after a 10 hour day and the kid has been bored and playing by himself all day and then expects you to entertain him because dad layed on the couch all day...well...you reap what you sew, man. And he can't even claim I just saw him laying down for a minute because I'd ask our kid, "What'd you and daddy do today?" and the kid would say, "Nothing. Daddy was sleeping." Plus there was the time daddy was sleeping and the kid got into the medicine cabinet (I don't know how...it was childproofed...) and then daddy had to take the kid to ER, but only after I got home and he told me about it and I made him take him to ER. God...I'm getting pi$$ed off all over again just thinking about it.


While you situation sounds unfortunate, a lot of women seem to disrespect their SAHD, even when he's _perfect _at the job.

Speaking in general, the level of competency at the job doesn't seem to correlate with a change in level of respect.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> While you situation sounds unfortunate, a lot of women seem to disrespect their SAHD, even when he's _perfect _at the job.
> 
> Speaking in general, the level of competency at the job doesn't seem to correlate with a change in level of respect.


The women's movement only just happened (and is still) within the past 50 years. It'll take time for the male/female stereotypes to fade and the new norm to become THE norm. Unfortunately, a lot of people still think the man makes the dough and does yard work and the women belong at home doing "women" stuff. 

Look how long it is taking for racism to fade.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Very well said, and very true.
> 
> I personally know of 3 circumstances with SAHD's, none of them worked out very well. Utterly emasculated, critiqued, and no respect from their spouse.


The worst case I know of SAHD was with my wife's brother in law.
He was a top rated chef and had his own catering company. She was a career focused woman working for an international company. she had a son from a previous lover who was filthy rich.
When her son was just two years she got married to the chef.He stopped working, closed his business and became a SAHD about three years later.
The boy actually thought his step dad was his biological father, so close was their bond.
SAHD , used to clean house , cook and take care of things whilst mom began coming home all sorts of ridiculous hours.

He use dto drop off the kid to school, pass and pick him up, carry him fishing on weekends [ They owned a boat.].

Long story short, mom hooked back up with kids biological father, and was cheating on her husband.
He tried to beg her, he asked me to beg her, no matter what he tried, she totally disrespected him.
She took the kid to meet his real dad, and the child became confused. Bio, father had left lots of money for him in a trust fund, and told kid about it. he used to purchase all sorts of really expensive toys etc. for the kid to " buy " his affection.

The affair ended, and so to the marriage.
Money wasn't the problem because her husband was rich, the child's father was filthy rich, and she was also well off and had a high paying job .
But somewhere along the line, she lost respect for him after he became a SAHD for HER kid.

Before he became a SAHD they were really good together.
Its almost like after the SAHD thing, she just became a different person.
It was tragic.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Right. And most of it was probably sub-conscious...having grown up learning how life is "supposed to be", how men are "supposed to act", it's all socialism. You get that programmed into you and then when things aren't following the program you reject it. Just like The Matrix. (Okay, now you guys know what a real geek I am. LOL)


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

DayDream said:


> My husband b*tches about how he wasn't respected as a SAHD yet he didn't do anything really to earn the respect. It would have been different if I'd have come home to even just as little as the dishes being done, carpet vaccumed, maybe him providing dinner a few times a week...but I did it all still. Plus when you walk in the door after a 10 hour day and the kid has been bored and playing by himself all day and then expects you to entertain him because dad layed on the couch all day...well...you reap what you sew, man. And he can't even claim I just saw him laying down for a minute because I'd ask our kid, "What'd you and daddy do today?" and the kid would say, "Nothing. Daddy was sleeping." Plus there was the time daddy was sleeping and the kid got into the medicine cabinet (I don't know how...it was childproofed...) and then daddy had to take the kid to ER, but only after I got home and he told me about it and I made him take him to ER. God...I'm getting pi$$ed off all over again just thinking about it.


Yes. He deserves no respect acting like that. 

I never lay around and watch tv or sleep during the day. I am always doing something. Volunteer at kids schools, running errands, getting kids to school, preparing dinner, yard work, projects, laundry, baths, homework, read at bedtime. And I get little or no respect because she is breadwinner. 

She constantly wants me worship the ground she walks on because she is breadwinner. 

When we argue about her helping with kids her quote is "I don't ask you to come to my work and help me"...

SMH
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Although I have no doubt that men can be extraordinarily capable at running a home and child-rearing, my personal opinion is that the SAHD paradigm is unhealthy for relationship dynamics over the long term.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Your wife could want all the power in the world.
> 
> I guess my question is, did you _allow_ her to take the power in your relationship, and with the family? Where there some sort of battle for power, or did you just relent?


I'd say it was more like "not understanding" what it was about, it just happened because I viewed it differently. I never once viewed marriage as a contest for power. Or any relationship, for that matter. If there is a problem with a struggle for power, there is, in my opinion, a problem with honesty and maturity. 

No relationship can wholly succeed if one or both either seek or wield "power" or leverage over the other. Apparently this is not her view (and apparently not of a lot of people, who are talking about living in a situation where a constant tension over such things occurs) of how people relate. Or, she simply is unaware of her own behavior. 

This isn't about "alpha" or "beta" or about role playing, this is about mutual respect, manifested by your own self restraint from crossing boundaries you set out of respect for your spouse. 

In 20 years I had never thought in terms of "power" or dominance or that the person I thought loved me would engage in such behavior. Yes, it made me angry that she would make decisions for me, make demands for things and behavior, that she would not reciprocate on her own, etc, etc... but it never once occurred to me in terms of "power" in a relationship. That concept is repugnant to me. In my view, if you have any concern for the other person at all, you WILL NOT violate their boundaries nor seek advantage or control over them. It's a matter of character, in my view. Or, a lack of self and "partner" awareness. If you can't see or don't pay attention to what you're doing to the other person, then you're a narcissist, incapable of a relationship in the first place. 

The wife returns permanently from her far-off job in 10 days. And, there's going to be some "war", I suspect, after she gets back. Partly because there's going to be boundaries set and because she's going to either learn to recognize and control her own self, or she's going to exert all her control over a ghost, because I won't be here. I will not remain where I have to keep insisting on boundaries in a conflict of wills. 

I've not addressed it, really, because I've not been able to understand it. Certain assumptions on my part prevented me from seeing it.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> Yes. He deserves no respect acting like that.
> 
> I never lay around and watch tv or sleep during the day. I am always doing something. Volunteer at kids schools, running errands, getting kids to school, preparing dinner, yard work, projects, laundry, baths, homework, read at bedtime. And I get little or no respect because she is breadwinner.
> 
> ...


So she is saying that she has no obligation to "help" you with the kids. If the shoes were reversed and you told her that since you have the job, it's her sole duty to parent them... Hell could probably not contain her fury. This is a dishonest duplicity on her part and she needs to recognize it. This is a partnership, not a master / slave relationship.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

With either parent (mom or dad) staying at home, there needs to be a conversation and agreement about what duties are handled by which partner. My husband stays at home with our 4 1/2 month old son but does very little housework. He does fix dinner about 3 - 4 times a week and help with running errands. He also does about 1/2 of the laundry in addition to managing the household finances (I hate that stuff!). In exchange, I am blissfully ignorant of what bill is paid what month or what is owed. It's all in a file if I need/want to look but honestly, yuck. 

If/when that distribution of work becomes a problem, then it's time to sit down and talk about it. 

I also think it's important to make sure he gets time away from the house/baby/me to do things that are important to him. 

We had to have this discussion because the roles used to be a lot different - he worked 14 - 16 hour days 5 - 6 days a week so all of it used to fall on my shoulders but he provided the main financial backing for our household.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> *In 20 years I had never thought in terms of "power" or dominance or that the person I thought loved me would engage in such behavior. Yes, it made me angry that she would make decisions for me, make demands for things and behavior, that she would not reciprocate on her own, etc, etc... but it never once occurred to me in terms of "power" in a relationship. *



I must say that your experience is an eye opener .
However,
You do know that, 
In many ways the part highlighted above is the same situation that occurs when the wife is a SAHM and the husband the bread winner.

I am not saying this is the way it would have been if the roles were reversed in_ your_ household, and I do understand your frustration.
I also think that you are right to feel the way you feel.

But many SAHM suffer what you are going through ,
for years in silence.
Their husbands don't respect them.


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