# One year separated and starting to talk again..?



## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

Stats: I am 30 and she is 33. We were together 7 years, married for 4. Last year we separated and she moved out of the house and into an apartment with her mom.

So it has been a year and we haven't had much contact and I was trying to reconcile with her, but she wasn't having it. She started dating someone in December. She just recently unblocked me on social media and starting talking to me again almost on a daily. I asked her how she felt and she said she has a lot of mixed feelings. I asked her reason for reaching out and what was her hopes to come from it. She said she really didn't know. Well the guy she is dating is known to be possessive and abusive, especially verbally. She won't admit to him being that way to her, but I can tell when she is lying and she is. I miss her so much and I don't want to get lead on if there isn't a chance , but at the same time I don't want her abused, I'm not sure what to do or what her true intentions are..?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think you need to work on YOU and stop worrying about your estranged wife.
She is out banging someone else, and you are worried about HER? What about YOUR life? Are you out dating? Have you done any IC to make sure you understand why you feel like this?
You should be building YOUR life separate from her and do what is good for YOU. You sound like you may be co-dependent -- you need to fix that. SHE wanted to go out and date others (from what you have said) -- YOU need to detach from her and realize that you would be better off finding someone more compatible with you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Thenewme2018 said:


> Stats: I am 30 and she is 33. We were together 7 years, married for 4. Last year we separated and she moved out of the house and into an apartment with her mom.
> 
> So it has been a year and we haven't had much contact and I was trying to reconcile with her, but she wasn't having it. She started dating someone in December. She just recently unblocked me on social media and starting talking to me again almost on a daily. I asked her how she felt and she said she has a lot of mixed feelings. I asked her reason for reaching out and what was her hopes to come from it. She said she really didn't know. Well the guy she is dating is known to be possessive and abusive, especially verbally. She won't admit to him being that way to her, but I can tell when she is lying and she is. I miss her so much and I don't want to get lead on if there isn't a chance , but at the same time I don't want her abused, I'm not sure what to do or what her true intentions are..?


Your wife has moved on,you need to do the same. 
How do you know her new guy is abusive,is this just gossip or have you proof. 
She waited until she road tested another man (or men) and found them wanting,so now she is putting feelers out to you. 
You are plan B. Never be plan B
Edit: I had forgotten about posting on your other thread. This is the woman who went to jail for assaulting you.You never said what she did or how long she spent in jail. Is it hours or weeks?
Buddy she is bad news and I think she is just reaching out to you because she has another guy. 
Like I said earlier,move on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Whose idea was it to separate in the first place? 

Have you also been dating? 

My experience says if you do get back together it will never be the same.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Reading your other threads makes me wonder why you would want to get back together. You weren’t even attracted to each other.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is plain and simple, she wanted to separate because she wanted to bang other dudes. Notice how you've been so nice, accommodating, and understanding and she ran off on you. She then run to a guy who is the complete opposite of you. Somewhere between sappy doormat and possessive jerk is where you need to learn to be.

It's over between you and this woman. Don't be her temporary landing pad for her to get away from her bad boy. Just make it official and file for D. 

PS: Learn from this episode and date a woman YOUNGER than you. Women mature faster than men so when you're with an older woman, you're with a woman that's way past you in maturity.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP, you need to be me right now!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Clearly she doe not value her wedding vows, respect you or your marriage, her answer is to block you and run away....sorry brother but in my book that only means she moved on...but now that she realized what she had does she want to talk again...i would tell her that you are moving on. time to put on your big boy pants and grow a back bone and move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Thenewme2018 said:


> Stats: I am 30 and she is 33. We were together 7 years, married for 4. Last year we separated and she moved out of the house and into an apartment with her mom.
> 
> So it has been a year and we haven't had much contact and I was trying to reconcile with her, but she wasn't having it. She started dating someone in December. She just recently unblocked me on social media and starting talking to me again almost on a daily. I asked her how she felt and she said she has a lot of mixed feelings. I asked her reason for reaching out and what was her hopes to come from it. She said she really didn't know. Well the guy she is dating is known to be possessive and abusive, especially verbally. She won't admit to him being that way to her, but I can tell when she is lying and she is. I miss her so much and I don't want to get lead on if there isn't a chance , but at the same time I don't want her abused, I'm not sure what to do or what her true intentions are..?


The grass is not greener on the other side after all. Your W was out testing the waters. It is not working out to well. You are the fall back plan B. And apparently the KISA as you do not want her to be abused. You will come to the rescue!!!! 

Don't be the KISA. Don't be the plan B. Your W did it once, what is to stop her from doing it again when you the plan B begins to dull?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She's found her a new man and you're hoping she'll come back?

You should get some IC help


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should want better for yourself than a woman who doesnt want you. Move forward with a divorce.


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## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> I think you need to work on YOU and stop worrying about your estranged wife.
> She is out banging someone else, and you are worried about HER? What about YOUR life? Are you out dating? Have you done any IC to make sure you understand why you feel like this?
> You should be building YOUR life separate from her and do what is good for YOU. You sound like you may be co-dependent -- you need to fix that. SHE wanted to go out and date others (from what you have said) -- YOU need to detach from her and realize that you would be better off finding someone more compatible with you.


I moved on and to be honest... I've slept with nearly 3 dozen women since then last year. This isn't a new thing nor bragging but how i was before i met my wife. It seems like no matter how many I sleep with it doesnt mask the pain of missing her. I know that he is abusive from past relationships plus I've been told from a few sources... also the pictures I've seen online she looks scared and very unhappy. I think she feels like she has made a big mistake.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thenewme2018 said:


> I moved on and to be honest... I've slept with nearly 3 dozen women since then last year. This isn't a new thing nor bragging but how i was before i met my wife. It seems like no matter how many I sleep with it doesnt mask the pain of missing her. I know that he is abusive from past relationships plus I've been told from a few sources... also the pictures I've seen online *she looks scared and very unhappy. I think she feels like she has made a big mistake.*


Oh POOR little muffin!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Thenewme2018 said:


> I moved on and to be honest... I've slept with nearly 3 dozen women since then last year. This isn't a new thing nor bragging but how i was before i met my wife. It seems like no matter how many I sleep with it doesnt mask the pain of missing her. I know that he is abusive from past relationships plus I've been told from a few sources... also the pictures I've seen online she looks scared and very unhappy. I think she feels like she has made a big mistake.


If you had moved on you wouldn't even be talking to her right now. Sleeping with a bunch of women is a distraction for you to not deal with the end. 

Your trying to mind read her. If she made a mistake, she did, it's her to own and do something about it. She has contacted you again to keep her options open and for all you know she's talking to a couple others looking for a place to land. She's obviously not too scared or too unhappy to leave her current situation.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Thenewme2018 said:


> I moved on and to be honest... I've slept with nearly 3 dozen women since then last year. This isn't a new thing nor bragging but how i was before i met my wife. It seems like no matter how many I sleep with it doesnt mask the pain of missing her. I know that he is abusive from past relationships plus I've been told from a few sources... also the pictures I've seen online she looks scared and very unhappy. I think she feels like she has made a big mistake.


Geese man do you really want on be her KISA (knight in shinning armor)?

She's a big girl. Let her figure it out


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud this is breadcrumbs. She knows you're there for her. (That's why you haven't moved on with your life). All she has to do is call. After all this she doesn't know what she wants. Hint: it's not you or you'd know it. She just needed some ego kibbles and knows you'll always provide that. You should wake up now

She's like a cat playing with a mouse.

Stop being a mouse. They usually get their ass chewed off.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

TAM is an anonymous forum. It most helpful when you reveal your inner self. There's no shame in admitting that you're still not over her. But get over her you must. (Master Yoda)

What you need is a shove to get you busy becoming the best version of yourself. It's time to level up. You can't do that if you're obsessing about your ex. If it helps, get angry at how she totally disrespected you. Leaving your house to live in her parents apartment was so she can test drive her new boyfriend. That is some F'd up shi.. 

Things were good with her the new guy for a while, so she blocked you on social media. Didn't want you to see all her happy pics with her boo. Now things are not so good, so she unblocks you so you can play captain save a hoe. Well, don't do it. As a matter of fact, you should block her.

Speaking of getting her out of your life. Make it official and divorce her. You don't want to be legally tied to a woman that's out banging other dudes. 

Make the rest of 2019 be about leveling up. No more excuses.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why would you want to be with someone who basically dumped you and moved on with others.
Why did you separate in the first place?
Are you co-dependent?

There is nothing to stop her doing exactly the same thing again to you. Think about that.


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## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

aine said:


> Why would you want to be with someone who basically dumped you and moved on with others.
> Why did you separate in the first place?
> Are you co-dependent?
> 
> There is nothing to stop her doing exactly the same thing again to you. Think about that.


Well she didnt dump me because she wanted others. She left because i was staying with another woman when i was working out of state. I regret it everyday but nothing i can change now. Im not co-dependant. I'm not weak either. I can't help that I still love her.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Thenewme2018 said:


> Well she didnt dump me because she wanted others. She left because i was staying with another woman when i was working out of state. I regret it everyday but nothing i can change now. Im not co-dependant. I'm not weak either. I can't help that I still love her.


Sounds like both of you don;t really know what you want.
She leaves and gets into a bad relationship, now may 
want to come back. You were staying with someone else
and she found out now you want her back. Of course you 
say you love her, and she will say she loves you. But do either
one of you really know what that means ? What both of you 
are doing right now isn't it. 

I think both of you should stay apart for now. Maybe get 
counseling and decide what you both want. Together or apart
your relationship isn't working. You can't have it both ways.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thenewme2018 said:


> Well she didnt dump me because she wanted others. She left because i was staying with another woman when i was working out of state. I regret it everyday but nothing i can change now. Im not co-dependant. I'm not weak either. I can't help that I still love her.


If you loved her, there would not have been another woman. 

Love isnt enough.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thenewme2018 said:


> I moved on and to be honest... I've slept with nearly 3 dozen women since then last year. This isn't a new thing nor bragging but how i was before i met my wife. It seems like no matter how many I sleep with it doesnt mask the pain of missing her. I know that he is abusive from past relationships plus I've been told from a few sources... also the pictures I've seen online she looks scared and very unhappy. I think she feels like she has made a big mistake.


First off thinking that lots of sex is going to make you be any less codependent is a mistake. And as you say yourself it hasn't worked. You need to get some IC. You thinking is not healthy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thenewme2018 said:


> Well she didnt dump me because she wanted others. She left because i was staying with another woman when i was working out of state. I regret it everyday but nothing i can change now. Im not co-dependant. I'm not weak either. I can't help that I still love her.


What exactly do you think makes you strong? 

You're a guy who had an affair and seems to judge yourself by women's sexual attention for you. 

But you don't sound real happy.


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## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Thenewme2018 said:
> 
> 
> > Well she didnt dump me because she wanted others. She left because i was staying with another woman when i was working out of state. I regret it everyday but nothing i can change now. Im not co-dependant. I'm not weak either. I can't help that I still love her.
> ...


I don't judge myself by attention, I just like having sex and thats the one thing I do enjoy when single...is being able to not be tied down sexually. Would i trade it for having a stable life with my ex again, sure. I'm not real happy, you're correct. I am almost died last year due to my kidneys failing, I held my best friend while he bled out of his artery in his neck, and everyone in my family has either died or I don't speak to. When I was with my wife she was in my future as far as I could see. There was no what ifs. Now without her I feel like a piece of me is missing. What exactly makes me strong? I can think of a few things, but love makes me weak I guess. This feels like im mourning a death in all honesty.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thenewme2018 said:


> I don't judge myself by attention, I just like having sex and thats the one thing I do enjoy when single...is being able to not be tied down sexually. Would i trade it for having a stable life with my ex again, sure. I'm not real happy, you're correct. I am almost died last year due to my kidneys failing, I held my best friend while he bled out of his artery in his neck, and everyone in my family has either died or I don't speak to. When I was with my wife she was in my future as far as I could see. There was no what ifs. Now without her I feel like a piece of me is missing. What exactly makes me strong? I can think of a few things, but love makes me weak I guess. This feels like im mourning a death in all honesty.


You ARE in morning. You need to acknowledge that. Maybe you should think about getting some counseling for morning and loss. 

It's been a year it took me about a year and a half to start to feel like myself and I wasn't married. Things started getting better when I started to see clearly that the women I wanted was not really what I wanted if I was honest with myself. At least that helped. I think that will be harder if you were the one who cheated. Which it sounds like is the case.

These are the consequences of those actions. She needs to protect herself, you and your presence are probably a source of pain now more then happiness. That is what happens when someone cheats on you. They become tainted. 

Try to think of it this way. You caused her great pain and not being with her is part of your penance. Your wish should be more for her healing then you being with her. That is what love is about right? There well-being over yours.


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## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Thenewme2018 said:
> 
> 
> > I don't judge myself by attention, I just like having sex and thats the one thing I do enjoy when single...is being able to not be tied down sexually. Would i trade it for having a stable life with my ex again, sure. I'm not real happy, you're correct. I am almost died last year due to my kidneys failing, I held my best friend while he bled out of his artery in his neck, and everyone in my family has either died or I don't speak to. When I was with my wife she was in my future as far as I could see. There was no what ifs. Now without her I feel like a piece of me is missing. What exactly makes me strong? I can think of a few things, but love makes me weak I guess. This feels like im mourning a death in all honesty.
> ...


That was a great response. Thank you for that. I might regret my actions forever... I think i will. The crazy thing is, she cheated on her first husband with me and left him for me. She felt so guilty that whenever i would talk about our first memories together she didnt want to acknowledge them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thenewme2018 said:


> That was a great response. Thank you for that. I might regret my actions forever... I think i will. The crazy thing is, she cheated on her first husband with me and left him for me. She felt so guilty that whenever i would talk about our first memories together she didnt want to acknowledge them.


Infidelity is trading pleasure for death, not of a person but of love or bond or family or whatever it is that makes someone in your life IT. It's the closest thing to real life vampires we got. You suck the life force out of one person so YOU can feel good, but in the end you also kill yourself.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Maybe I am naive, or because I am not a man, I think differently, I don't know. but for me personally, if you can sleep with over 3 dozen women after separating from your wife, I don't think you truly love her, because if you did, how could you do that? Based on whats been said, I can't see a future for the two of you. You had problems to begin with obviously to separate. Now being separated and you have both been with other people...all that is going to cause hurt and jealousy. I think there is just more pain to be had if you two get back together.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I may not have this exactly right because you trickle truth information to get what? Biased answers?

She cheated with you on her first husband and felt guilt that hurt y'all's communication. You were a drunk and lousy husband-- you lived with another woman when away. She got drunk and assaulted you. Separation. You now love the freedom of sleeping with something like three dozen women. Her new guy is abusive and you worry about her (why not before now?). You both sound like you are teenagers with NO maturity and poor morals. Please don't have children.

Because you aren't honest with us, you can't truly want help? Maybe you are wanting to sell your life situation as a book? I feel a lot of SELF-LOVE only from both of you. IC for both might help someone grow up. Surely you want the rest of your life to be more upstanding?


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