# At a loss for what what to do!? Any advice?



## Ergovirgo (Apr 6, 2016)

My wife and I have been married going on 3 years. We were recently separated for about 6 months after infidelity on her part and general unhappiness. We rekindled and were doing wonderful. Sex dropped off to absolutely nothing and she said that the thought of having sex with me makes her anxious. Since that discussion, nothing has been improving, if anything, it has gotten worse. Very little physical affection and more emotional distance. I have been supportive, have been much less clingy than normal. We are still living in separate homes and I went from staying over 4 nights a week, to just one. She is slow to respond, stopped calling for the most part and answers questions and bids for attention as minimally as possible. I am not quite sure what to do anymore. I have stepped back and let her have space, been supportive of her needing time to process feelings as well. But even after dates and trying I need help. She is hard to approach and talking to her about any issue leads to her being more distant and taking even more space. I dont want to push her away by persevering and attempting to resolve anything but this half marriage isnt working for me. 

Note: I have a tendency to be anxious and I fear bringing up how I feel as she either stonewalls me or turns it around on how she feels and how I make her feel bad by talking about thing. At the end of my rope people! 
Another note: I am taking steps to control my anxiety and have been doing extremely well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How do you know she's not still cheating?


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## Ergovirgo (Apr 6, 2016)

Not sure. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ergo,

She can still be cheating or at least still in love with the other man. Now is not the time to "let her have space". I am sorry for the next words here, but she was banging another guy - probably still is. Stop being weak and being "supportive of her needing time to process feelings as well". Time for what? For the other guy to dump her. Really? WTF? 

You don't want to push her away? She already IS away. And you have much less than half a marriage.

I am all for reconciliation but here there is none - by her choice. Serve her with divorce papers. She either then returns or you keep with the divorce. You have no marriage. I am sorry. You deserve much better.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Ergovirgo said:


> My wife and I have been married going on 3 years. We were recently separated for about 6 months after infidelity on her part and general unhappiness. We rekindled and were doing wonderful. *Sex dropped off to absolutely nothing and she said that the thought of having sex with me makes her anxious. Since that discussion, nothing has been improving, if anything, it has gotten worse. Very little physical affection and more emotional distance. I have been supportive, have been much less clingy than normal. We are still living in separate homes and I went from staying over 4 nights a week, to just one. She is slow to respond, stopped calling for the most part and answers questions and bids for attention as minimally as possible.* I am not quite sure what to do anymore. I have stepped back and let her have space, been supportive of her needing time to process feelings as well. But even after dates and trying I need help. She is hard to approach and talking to her about any issue leads to her being more distant and taking even more space. I dont want to push her away by persevering and attempting to resolve anything but this half marriage isnt working for me.
> 
> Note: I have a tendency to be anxious and I fear bringing up how I feel as she either stonewalls me or turns it around on how she feels and how I make her feel bad by talking about thing. At the end of my rope people!
> Another note: I am taking steps to control my anxiety and have been doing extremely well.


If you were dating this woman.....and she did the things you described above....what would you do?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your wife had an affair, moved out, doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't want to communicate with you, and has reduced the time you're allowed to spend the night with her to one day a week. 

Why haven't you filed for divorce? There is no marriage here other than on paper.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Once you separate, intimacy should be the absolute minimum requirement before getting back together. Married to a cheater who also won't have sex with you should be a hard line deal breaker. Why did she return? Do you support her financially? I'd recommend separating again and letting her make her choices. Don't take her back without a solid commitment from her. And really, if you don't do this don't be surprised when she takes advantage.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Ergovirgo said:


> Not sure. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt?


Why?

She's a cheater.

She gets no benefit of any doubt - pretty much never again.

I would hazard a guess you're interfering with her AP.

1) Lawyer
2) STD test (cause she's still with him) 
3) initiate 180 like two months ago


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I'm so sorry you're here and in this position 

Your wife cheated on you - if she was serious about reconciliation she would be back living with you and bending over backwards to reassure you that there is nothing to worry about. You have EVERY right to ask her questions, you are her husband.

You don't solve marriage problems by living apart. Tell her to get her butt home right now, or serve her with papers.

Her conduct and treatment of you is absolutely disgusting.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You gave her the benefit of the doubt once...and look how that turned out....something is up......time to play the d card and see what she says. In other words get your head out of the sand.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

No kids? Easy, divorce her. You have only 3 years invested in this worthless marriage.

Have kids? I'd still divorce her a$$.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She's cheating, probably never stopped. 

Check your phone bill first. Go online see who she's calling/texting.

You'll have your answer in 15 minutes.

She's not having sex with you because it would be cheating on her other man. That's how this works.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop begging for this marriage or her affection. Do you think her boyfriend has to beg her?

She is chasing him like she used to chase you when you guys first met.

Chicks dig confident guys.

At least she has enough heart to string you a long instead of rubbing her infidelity in your face....some guys really get screwed...at least yours is trying to let you down easy!

Let her go and file for divorce...by summer she will be texting you and calling you left and right.....once her boyfriend dumps her that is!

One more thing....I bet as soon as she finds out you are dating again you just might start getting the texts and phone calls before the end of spring.

Stop begging a pleading for a women that has no respect for beggers!

Maybe I'm wrong ....maybe she is just waiting to see if her new guy feels the same way as she does and she is just keeping you close by for "plan B"....maybe she is heartless..IDK!

I suggest you do some of our own investigation in to the fact that she is or is not still seeing someone , you at least have the answer you are looking for , instead of depending on the word of someone who already stabbed you in the back once already.

You need to find out...it would really shed some light on her character if she was in fact still seeing someone and telling you all this bull shyt, finding out the facts would at least give an honest direction in how to move on with your life.

Hell maybe she isn't seeing someone still and then you have a chance and all your efforts will go towards something positive instead of being the butt of her and her boyfriends jokes.

Please do you own research and find out what's really going on instead of listening to a proven cheater's word.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It;s actually real simple....just ask to use her phone...when she refuses you have your answer.

She may be commited to work on it and hand over the phone with out question....but...I have been here to long to see this coming...she will tell you to phuck off and tell you to wait for your own phone to be charged.

At the very least ...wait for her to call you before you call her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Ergovirgo (Apr 6, 2016)

So I sat down and talked to her. I got that she isnt happy and doesnt know why. I got that she doesnt think she gave herself enough time to be single and work through her issues herself and experience that part of life. She broke up with the man she was dating to be with me again. Not the one she cheated with.... She isnt a bad person. To be honest I believe that she has deep seeded intimacy issues yet wont deal with them. This happens in any long term relationship she has been in. Typical of her to self sabotage. I suppose in some way I want to help and be supportive.
I ended up going home after our talk because she was "done with this conversation". The truth can be hard to hear but I told her how I felt. I was sick of being strung along. I deserve someone who reciprocates my love in a similar fashion. She then blamed me for making things more complicated by talking about the issues and while we are still technically together, I dont really think that will last much longer. Now that she is working and catching up, I have become obsolete. I am not a toy that can be summoned for her convenience and I have come to the conclusion that as much as I want things to work out and as against divorce as I am, I am left with very little options. 
I am awaiting her response tomorrow and to see what she decides. She may be making the biggest mistake of her life letting someone like me go. I am actually a relatively confident person, just not around her, perhaps because she hurt me so much and makes me feel as if I am never going to be enough. Maybe I wont be for her. But I sure a hell will be for someone who appreciates someone like me.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Do I have this right? She cheated. You separated for six months. She dated ANOTHER guy during that time and broke up with him to go back to you?

Did you date others during the separation?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The only reason she says you're together is because you've shown her you're happy to be strung along. Fact is, you're not at all together. She is manipulating you. 

If you really don't want to be strung along, then DON'T be strung along. End this limbo. Never make someone a priority that only ever makes you an option. Stop waiting for her to decide. YOU decide and ACT.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Ergovirgo said:


> She then blamed me for


Yes it's your fault she cheated :banghead:

If you believe that, well, whatever, I can't help if you believe that.




Ergovirgo said:


> She may be making the biggest mistake of her life letting someone like me go.


No need to read further.

There is no she may...

She already let you go.

You need to accept that.


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