# Unsure how to solve this problem.....



## kelsh (Nov 29, 2017)

I've been a visitor here for a while and just registered today to make a post I wish I never had to. Sorry for the long-winded backstory, but here goes.......

My husband is 32, and I am 35. We love each other very much, and our relationship is perfect in every aspect except intimacy. About 6 years ago we went through a pretty bad phase of life, we moved back into my parents house because I lost my job, he was very unhappy at his job, and we became disconnected. As result I felt like he didn't care about me, and that he didn't appreciate me. I knew he loved me, but I didn't feel truly appreciated by him. This caused me to disconnect, I was dumb and started talking with a friend at work. My husband caught wind of my friendship and continually told me what was going on, and that this friend of mine only wanted 1 thing. I was blind at the time and didn't see it, or didn't want to see it. At the time I seriously just thought this guy was a great friend, he went on a 300 mile round trip to get a car part I needed and was upset that my husband didn't do the same thing. Looking back I see that I was selfish as my husband was working 70-80 hours weeks. My friend brought over the bumper to our house and delivered it, even met my husband. My husband again told me that he didn't like the guy and wanted me to stop talking to him. I became angry with my husband and insisted we were just friends. A couple weeks passed and my husband came into our bedroom one night with my phone and woke me up while he was in a furious rage about a text he read. He had been trying to get my phone for several days and must have seen me put my password in the phone, that's the only thing I can think of that happened. I broke down and told him I had feelings for my friend and was sorry. I was hysterical and felt horrible.

The next day my husband called my work and filed sexual harassment charges against my friend which infuriated me. I called my husband and told him he needed to drop the complaint immediately since I could get in trouble. He immediately called back in and cancelled the complaint. Time went on and my husband was trying to connect with me and had told me how he needed to be intimate with me, even showed me articles about what not having sex would do to him. At this point we had not had any intimacy for 6 months, and I was ignorant to the situation and just continued on with the mindset that men are just horny animals and he could use his hand. About 2 weeks later he found on my phone where I was playing words with friends with my friend from work, and a few of the words were; sex, suck, wet, etc. He broke down at that point and started crying saying he didn't know what to do. He had nobody to move in with and no money to move out and get his own place, he felt stuck. I wanted to take some time apart and get my thoughts in order and priorities straight. I left him at my parents and went to stay with a friend for a few days and felt much better. My husband on the other hand had taken a much worse turn, he hadn't went to work for almost 2 weeks, couldn't think straight, and was just overall unhappy. We went to marriage counseling and the counselor was beyond horrible, looking back at the situation it was a good choice to go, but we should have went to another counselor. She told him to not even speak to me about the issue any more because I would get so mad and upset about it, she wanted him to call her if he needed to talk about the EA.

The years went by and we have gotten so much better, and reconnected on all levels except our intimacy. In the last 2 years both my husband and I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety. My husband has severe anxiety and depression as it runs in his family.

Towards the beginning of Summer my husband was on facebook and received a message from a fake account asking him if he noticed how I had been dressing up more for work, and to watch my reaction when he mentioned this person's name. This was a friend at work and he would flirt with me and give me compliments which felt good since I don't get that kind of attention so I went along with it. I know, another stupid choice. Well my husband was furious and called my work, spoke to the Vice President over this other guy's department and ended up getting him fired. I wanted to deal with the situation myself, but my husband was intent on taking this action. Ever sense then he has sunken into a new level of depression and anxiety. I feel like my actions may have something to do with how he has changed into the person he is today.

Fast forward to today, we have no intimacy in our marriage, no romance, and only have sex once or twice per year. He has a hard time getting an erection which is very odd for someone his age, he is in his prime, he is in great shape, goes to the gym 5 days per week, but the last time we tried to have sex, we had to stop because he lost his erection half way through. I'm starting to shut down sexually as this seems like a lost cause, and I am left having to satisfy my own needs. I have considered a marriage counselor again but I feel like we will be going in circles if we do that. What can I do to get the intimacy back in our relationship and get my husband to have sex with me again?

Again, sorry for the long post.
-Kelsy


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

wasn't worth my time


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## kelsh (Nov 29, 2017)

toblerone said:


> It isn't really that odd to have the inability to maintain an erection if the mind isn't in the right place.
> 
> Is there foreplay? Is there physical contact between the two of you that doesn't lead to sex?


When we have sex there is foreplay, we will kiss, he will usually perform oral on me, and then sometimes ask that I return the favor. I'd say foreplay usually lasts about 45 minutes to an hour or so, then we start having sex.

We kiss, hug, and cuddle, he will fondle my breasts at times, or give me the occasional pat on the behind, but nothing more than that.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

nevermind


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Too much porn will do that to an erection!


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Depends on the man.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

One word

Viagra.


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## kelsh (Nov 29, 2017)

toblerone said:


> How often is all of this physical intimacy that you describe in your final paragraph?
> 
> Have you thought about cutting out some of the extracurriculars in your foreplay and get down to business sooner?
> 
> ...


We have tried cutting out foreplay, or reducing the time with foreplay. It's odd since it doesn't always happen, it just recently started happening after I had a friend from work contacting him telling him how he was going to take me away from my husband.



leon2100 said:


> Too much porn will do that to an erection!


That's what I was thinking too. He has tried to tell me that I did this to him but I did find it a bit hard to believe that he could have these issues due to me.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

kelsh said:


> It's odd since it doesn't always happen, it just recently started happening after I had a friend from work contacting him telling him how he was going to take me away from my husband.



oh is that all?

goodbye.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

kelsh said:


> We have tried cutting out foreplay, or reducing the time with foreplay. It's odd since it doesn't always happen, it just recently started happening after I had a friend from work contacting him telling him how he was going to take me away from my husband.


:lol:


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If this is for realz, then divorce him.

You two are not compatible. Also, please don't ever have kids.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

kelsh said:


> We love each other very much, and our relationship is perfect in every aspect except intimacy.


I'm not sure I would say everything is perfect except for the intimacy.

I'm not trying to be too harsh, but it actually sounds like you may not have the right personality for marriage, or maybe he's not the right man for you. It sounds like you enjoy, seek out, and don't discourage male attention. Maybe you don't notice it, but you certainly seem to feel better when other men are doing stuff for you and flirting with you. That's not a good personality trait for marriage. You should only get that kind of attention from your husband and actively shut down that kind of attention from other men.

If a guy is doing you favors, chatting with you, hanging around, etc., it's almost certain he's doing it to flirt. If you need that sort of attention, you probably shouldn't be married so that way you can indulge all you like.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

So you broke someone and you're wondering why he's broken? Are you still on the prowl for men to flirt with, just so your "needs" can be met? Do your husband a favor and divorce him so that he can find a woman who's ready for an adult relationship.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Anyone who is still responding with advice on this thread, did you miss where the Op wrote "I had one of my work friends contact him and tell him that he is going to take me away from him"

Because if you read it, and you are still responding, I just have to wonder why.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

edit: nevermind, going through proper channel


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

It's not odd that he can't get hard for you. You completely emasculated him and crushed the essence of his manhood with your multiple EA's and your complete lack of empathy or remorse about them. I'd tell him to divorce you if he came here asking for advice. You're a serial cheater with no remorse.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The accurate quote would be ". . . I had a friend from work contacting him telling him how he was going to take me away from my husband." Which could as easily be interpreted quite differently. 

Other than that, I have no advice. If I was lying there thinking about my wife's repeated emotional affairs I wouldn't keep it up either. Even if it isn't true it's a hell of a set of mind movies.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> The accurate quote would be ". . . I had a friend from work contacting him telling him how he was going to take me away from my husband." Which could as easily be interpreted quite differently.
> 
> Other than that, I have no advice. If I was lying there thinking about my wife's repeated emotional affairs I wouldn't keep it up either. Even if it isn't true it's a hell of a set of mind movies.


I look at it this way, trolls tend craft their stories in ways which trickle out incredibly important details that there's no way it could have been ignored as part of their original post. They also tend to not post much or follow up once they feel like they've been found out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Why not just divorce the guy that you can’t seem to stop cheating on?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I personally think you are a troll, but if not, the most dense and ignorant person I have ever met.

You are a serial cheater. A unrepentant serial cheater who had a "friend" from work tell your husband that he would lose you to them. You sound like "I am Jack's" evil wife, or at least her sister.

Perfect karma would be for you to catch him in the act or railing 2 women that make you look like a English bulldog, but I would never condone cheating. 

Instead, he needs to file for divorce and legally stomp a mud hole in your ass and walk it dry!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Windwalker said:


> I personally think you are a troll, but if not, the most dense and ignorant person I have ever met.
> 
> You are a serial cheater. A unrepentant serial cheater who had a "friend" from work tell your husband that he would lose you to them. You sound like "I am Jack's" evil wife, or at least her sister.
> 
> ...


I'm not exactly sure what this actually means, but I'm going to try to use it in conversation soon.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> I'm not exactly sure what this actually means, but I'm going to try to use it in conversation soon.


Hopefully it's not with anyone you like. >


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

toblerone said:


> Mr. Nail said:
> 
> 
> > The accurate quote would be ". . . I had a friend from work contacting him telling him how he was going to take me away from my husband." Which could as easily be interpreted quite differently.
> ...


Sorry to TJ, but in this case I don’t think OP minds. I think it would be a great thread to start about how you spot trolls on TAM!


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