# Writing an old girlfriend in hospice



## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

An old girlfriend who is married and a grandmother was dying and in a hospice. I got told by her husband. So I wrote her a long letter reminiscing about the old funny things that happened in our relationship 50 years ago. About the time we tried to cook a soufflé, how her excited dog ran up to us and knocked us both down into a leaf,pile,the snowball fight we had with her brother, how we both ended up with the best spouse for us, etc.

I ended by saying I will never forget her and next time I go to church I will ask the congregation to pray for her.

I also made the offer if there is anything she wants or needs, do not hesitate to ask.

I was up and up about this letter with my spouse and let her read,it before,I sent it. She did not object to anything at the time.

The old GF has since died and I wrote a short condolence,letter to her family and elderly family.

Now I have a slightly upset spouse.

Did I do,wrong or is my wife wrong?




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

"I got told by her husband."

The correct response should of been. 

'I am so sorry, I will pray for her and your family.'

And then you should of left it at that. 

Now your wife is upset you gave another woman attention. A past love/flame. Now she feels she has to compete with a dead woman.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok so get with your wife and ruin a souffle, get a big dog to knock you both into a pile of leaves and get in a snowball fight with one of her relatives.

Then you'll be even!:smile2:

Did your letter make a difference?

Why did her husband think of you during that time?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FieryHairedLady said:


> "I got told by her husband."
> 
> The correct response should of been.
> 
> ...


The time for her to object was when he showed her the letter and asked her if it was appropriate and if she minded him sending it.

Not way after it was sent. That's not fair.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You did the right and conscionable thing, @whowouldhavethought ~

Both your old flame and God heartily approves!

Meanwhile, just let well enough alone and go on living for your family and close friends!*


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You didn't do wrong, that's the take away. 

Your DW will have some feelings about the activity. I'm not saying good, bad, other but it's normal she will have some emotional feelings.

Likely any negative responses however slight will fade as you just continue on.

Personally I'd not have used some of the wording but our differences are slim.

You did the whole thing right keeping W fully in the loop. 

But, I agree with others now W may at times feel she's competing with a woman who's passed, but I'm sure you're making sure to spell out how an old gf isn't even near the same level of love as the woman you married and have a great life with.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> The time for her to object was when he showed her the letter and asked her if it was appropriate and if she minded him sending it.
> 
> Not way after it was sent. That's not fair.


But, there is a wrinkle, good sir!

He sent another letter, for which we got no details. 

What was in the second letter that upset her? Was it shown to her like the first letter? Are you constantly reminiscing about the other woman? What about the second letter is the source of her being upset?

Not nearly enough info to make a proper speculation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why did you feel the need for a letter in the first place?? Had I been your wife, I would have been upset with it when you wrote it. Then you sent a second one to the family, and Im sure makes her feel like now you just cant let it go. You should have just maybe shared some memories from the past with this woman with your wife when you learned of her situation, and then just let it drop. I'm sure she would have been understanding that you wanted to share a little, with the woman's demise looming.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

OnTheFly said:


> He sent another letter, for which we got no details.
> 
> What was in the second letter that upset her? Was it shown to her like the first letter? Are you constantly reminiscing about the other woman? What about the second letter is the source of her being upset?


The OP stated that “The old GF has since died and I wrote a short condolence,letter to her family and elderly family”. Thus the second letter of condolence was not to the ex girlfriend, but to her family (which includes her husband), and to her parents. I doubt that the second letter is why she would be upset.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> The time for her to object was when he showed her the letter and asked her if it was appropriate and if she minded him sending it.
> 
> Not way after it was sent. That's not fair.


Yes in a perfect world that is how it should be, but this is women we are talking about.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

No you did nothing wrong.

You were open and honest with your
wife. She read the letter first.

You did not sneak off and see the old GF.

Her husband knew about it.

This relationship was 50 years ago also. 
You even expressed how you both found
the best spouses for you.

You found out someone who was part of 
your early life was dying and comforted them.
From reading some of the things you wrote about
she may may not have been your first love. 
If so you never forget first loves.

I am sure that since t has been 50 years ago
you have told your wife about her. Since she 
has now died your wife and you should let it go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@whowouldhavethought

How much interaction have you had with this woman and her husband over the years? Does your wife know her and her husband?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Now,

I can say I've not told DW about all my old gfs pre M.

Even ltrs, or live ins. DW knew I was promiscuous but we didn't choose to make pasts key issues.

She would find it strange if I did this. But that's us.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Has this woman been a "theme" in your life with your wife? Someone you talked about or thought about much? Have you talked about her a lot since the dying and death came up?

Regardless, I think your wife is just experiencing natural jealousy and a little insecurity. I would go out of my way to reassure her of your love for her. Maybe reminisc with her about some of your wonderful times and memories and how you felt when you met her and knew you were falling in love with her. (Do that spontaneously, not in response to this.) In response to this I would just tell your wife that you have had absolutely no romantic feelings for the woman since well before you met your wife, but she was a good person and you knew she was dying and wanted to make her feel special, like her life had meaning to many people.

I don't think what you did was wrong at all, especially since you told your wife in advance. I think it was a really kind and generous thing to do and in the long run you'll be glad you did it and hopefully your wife will be proud of you. Your wife probably did not protest the letter because she knew all this logically. Her feelings of jealousy/insecurity probably caught her by surprise too, but they are definitely natural.

You might also tell your wife you are sorry, but *because* you have no romantic feelings at all for this woman and have never once wished you were still with her over your wife, it simply didn't occur to you how it might end up seeming to your wife once she had some time to think about it. You were just trying to brighten the final days of a former friend.




whowouldhavethought said:


> An old girlfriend who is married and a grandmother was dying and in a hospice. I got told by her husband. So I wrote her a long letter reminiscing about the old funny things that happened in our relationship 50 years ago. About the time we tried to cook a soufflé, how her excited dog ran up to us and knocked us both down into a leaf,pile,the snowball fight we had with her brother, how we both ended up with the best spouse for us, etc.
> 
> I ended by saying I will never forget her and next time I go to church I will ask the congregation to pray for her.
> 
> ...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

FieryHairedLady said:


> "I got told by her husband."
> 
> The correct response should of been.
> 
> ...


Wow..... that is the exact premise of my three book trilogy.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ConanHub wrote, 

"Why did her husband think of you during that time?"

Possibly because he may have always felt that he wasn't the one throughout their marriage, many spouses feel this way. 

The finality of death can make people generous or accepting.

Perhaps too she may have asked for him. 

My relatives exWW was emotionally destroyed when he died despite having left him for another man. exWW even drove miles and miles to see him.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Yes in a perfect world that is how it should be, but this is women we are talking about.


It's as a perfect world as we will ever have. 
It's perfectly fine when you understand female solipsism.
There's a woman, then there's everyone else.
Excluding her children that is....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Yes in a perfect world that is how it should be, but this is women we are talking about.


So, women really do have a right to behave in a contrary, ornery fashion?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wonder if OP's wife really felt free to object to the original letter, given the horrible circumstances?

Just throwing it out as a possibility. She may have felt like she'd look heartless....or maybe she even thought she'd be ok with it until she realized she wasn't.

I think it was kind of a crappy position for OP to put her in....to put her in the awkward position of having to say no where a human being is dying.

And why would her husband even contact OP? Seems a little odd.

Either way, he says she's slightly upset. Slightly upset cam usually be dealt with by offering understanding and reassurance.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think it was kind of a crappy position for OP to put her in....to put her in the awkward position of having to say no where a human being is dying.
> 
> And why would her husband even contact OP?


The fact of the matter is that the ex's husband put the OP in the "crappy position" of having to deal with an awkward situation "where a human being is dying". The OP did what he was suppose to do, and took it to his wife in full transparency. The OP did not create the awkward situation, the reality of a human death just imposed itself on the OP and his wife, and he dealt with it as best as he could in open consultation with his wife. The wife's second thoughts on the matter is also normal for such an unfortunate situation. The situation sucked big time. It just is what it is, no one was wrong here.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Tell us about yourself. Are you a sentimental person? Do you have a lot of nostalgia, in general? Do you express yourself in ways like this often, and have you ever reminisced about the great times you've had with your wife? If you're a science/logic type and usually not an overly expressive or emotional person I can see where this might be surprising and possibly hurtful to your wife. Like, she may be wondering if you've been burning a candle for this woman for a long time, for her death to inspire such a response from you. Especially if you've never done anything like that for her. However, if you're an emotional/writer type and sentimental then it may just be par for the course and she might be upset about something else entirely.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I would find nothing wrong with my husband sending out a note like this to a dying woman. It's not like he wrote "remember the passionate lovemaking we did all night until the sun came up" He wrote about fun and silly times. That tells me has fond memories of her but no great love. 

OP, my suggestion is to write a letter to your wife, as if she were the one you were reminiscing with...include the funner memories of your time together, the best times of your marriage, and some of the more risque stuff as well. Make sure the letter shows that with your wife, you do feel a great love, not just fondness. Give it to her and say "this is what I would send you." It might help her to see the difference in your feelings for the old girlfriend vs the feelings you have for her after spending so many years together. It's worth a shot anyway.

Good luck!!


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I wonder if OP's wife really felt free to object to the original letter, given the horrible circumstances?
> 
> Just throwing it out as a possibility. She may have felt like she'd look heartless....or maybe she even thought she'd be ok with it until she realized she wasn't.
> 
> ...


That was my first thought.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

My husband had a high school sweetheart who he talked about, both with his first wife and with me. He was a highly dramatic person, and he told both of us that when he parents made him break it off (he was Jewish, she wasn't), he made some kind of poison pill in lab and sat on the side of his bed with the pill in hand, crying. Neither of us took the drama very seriously, nor did we feel threatened. But, if he was still talking about her 25 or so years later, I might have second thoughts. He wasn't.

That's kind of a toughie.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> The fact of the matter is that the ex's husband put the OP in the "crappy position" of having to deal with an awkward situation "where a human being is dying". The OP did what he was suppose to do, and took it to his wife in full transparency. The OP did not create the awkward situation, the reality of a human death just imposed itself on the OP and his wife, and he dealt with it as best as he could in open consultation with his wife. The wife's second thoughts on the matter is also normal for such an unfortunate situation. The situation sucked big time. It just is what it is, no one was wrong here.


I understand your point but disagree. OP could've easily responded to the husband and asked him to share his prayers with the family. Since the hb contacted him its likely he would've passed the message on.

Instead he wrote a personal letter to another guy's wife reminiscing about their days as a couple. It seems to me that communications should've been addressed at very least to the woman and her husband.

Perhaps OP didn't mean anything by it but this wasn't well thought out and somewhat inappropriate.

Just my humble opinion.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Without knowing the content of the letters, it's difficult to make any kind of judgment. If the letter made someone's passing easier by feeling cared for, and memories treasured, that's a good thing, even if the living have unreasonable jealousies after the fact. I am so lucky that my wife would never question a gesture of kindness on my part, especially if I'd solicited her opinion before making it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

IMHO, anything you say to comfort a dying person and to make their last days a bit happier is good.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

I think you showed great compassion and human decency.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I understand your point but disagree. OP could've easily responded to the husband and asked him to share his prayers with the family. Since the hb contacted him its likely he would've passed the message on.
> 
> *Instead he wrote a personal letter to another guy's wife reminiscing about their days as a couple. It seems to me that communications should've been addressed at very least to the woman and her husband.
> 
> ...


 I can totally agree with this, not sure I'd be too keen on it if I was in the OP's wife's shoes.

That being said the time to voice her disapproval was when she reviewed the letter. To hell with appearances if you're going to be resentful about it after you gave it a thumbs up. I believe in being a straight shooter. I guess it's the pragmatist in me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Of course he could have ignored her and not sent a letter.

Or he could have sent a cold, unemotional letter that perhaps quoted a scripture or two.

Basically acting like a cold fish.

But! Would his wife have married such a harsh and unfeeling man? 

So he acted in a kind, Christian way, in the way his wife would have expected him to react, reaching out to his friend and her husband and her extended family.

But he still did the wrong thing. OP, sometimes we have to do the thing that feels right to us. No matter what others might think.

You did the authentic thing. If your wife wanted you to go against your natural inclinations to do an inauthentic thing, that's possibly a reflection on her, rather than you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

whowouldhavethought said:


> Now I have a slightly upset spouse.


Tell her to get over it.

Why on earth she'd be ok with the FIRST letter you originally sent to your old girlfriend (who was dying) reminiscing about snowball fights and failed souffle's yet NOT be ok with a simple *condolence *letter to her husband and family after her death doesn't even make any sense. :scratchhead:

I'm inclined to agree with the other poster who mused that the OP's wife may _not_ have actually been ok with his original letter to the girlfriend when she was alive but she didn't want to look like a jealous, mean-spirited witch if she told him not to send it, so she pretended she was fine with it. Now that the girlfriend is gone, her hurt feelings have surfaced again and she's now aiming them at the condolence letter.

She'll eventually get over it, OP.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> But! Would his wife have married such a harsh and unfeeling man?


"But! Would his wife have married such a harsh and unfeeling man?" says it all. The wife is too close to the situation to realize that the same person that for a brief period of time acted with compassion when sending that letter, is the same guy that she get in her life every day. If she thought about it, would she really want him to be any other way?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Of course he could have ignored her and not sent a letter.
> 
> Or he could have sent a cold, unemotional letter that perhaps quoted a scripture or two.
> 
> ...




IMO the appropriate thing to do would've been to send a letter from he and his wife to her and her husband telling them how sorry they are to hear of her situation and wish them all prayers and comfort. 

Couple to couple. Then you've extended a kind word and kept boundaries. Reminiscing about their couple time wasn't necessary.

But its probably not that big of a deal, and OP said his wife was slightly upset. Not that she was threatening divorce.

Offering her understanding and reassurance would likely clear this up. Being pig headed about whether he was wrong or not will let it drag on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> IMO the appropriate thing to do would've been to send a letter from he and his wife to her and her husband telling them how sorry they are to hear of her situation and wish them all prayers and comfort.
> 
> Couple to couple. Then you've extended a kind word and kept boundaries. Reminiscing about their couple time wasn't necessary.
> 
> ...


I think when he showed his wife the letter before he sent it, that was probably what he thought was happening?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Has anyone read any of his previous posts? He has multiple posts over the last five years about issues with this same old GF. He had coffee with her whenever he went home, but it was “okay” because his wife was invited. When he got ill himself he went to his hometown to have a “goodbye” lunch with a group and was upset that his wife didn’t want this GF to attend. She has spoken up about this women and was silenced by him. I can only imagine the guilt trip he laid about the lunch being the last time he would be able to visit them (read: her) in person. And the hospice letter would be the same - imagine what it took for her to swallow that bile down thinking at least it would be the last time. But nope, now we have the post death letters. She is probably wondering when it will ever end. I have a five-spot that he posts a year from now that his wife is upset he is holding a memorial for the GF. 

The wife’s reaction is normal. His attachment is not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> Has anyone read any of his previous posts? He has multiple posts over the last five years about issues with this same old GF. He had coffee with her whenever he went home, but it was “okay” because his wife was invited. When he got ill himself he went to his hometown to have a “goodbye” lunch with a group and was upset that his wife didn’t want this GF to attend. She has spoken up about this women and was silenced by him. I can only imagine the guilt trip he laid about the lunch being the last time he would be able to visit them (read: her) in person. And the hospice letter would be the same - imagine what it took for her to swallow that bile down thinking at least it would be the last time. But nope, now we have the post death letters. She is probably wondering when it will ever end. I have a five-spot that he posts a year from now that his wife is upset he is holding a memorial for the GF.
> 
> The wife’s reaction is normal. His attachment is not.


No. I can't recall them. I think I would like some links to them please, if you could find them?


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Different girlfriend. That one is alive and kicking.

When I was young and unmarried I had a number of relationships. This was one of them. It lasted about 9 months right after I graduated college. We mutually agreed to end it. We had completely different goals in life. 

This one, I hadn’t seen in nearly 45 years (before I met my wife). After I got married, I did get a semi-regular (about every 2-3 years) Xmas card along with a form letter about her family. 

Upon receipt,of her card, wife sent her ours.

I do keep in touch with another ex-gf. She found God and has been running a missionary school/orphanage in India for over 30 years. On a regular basis, with wife’s full knowledge, I send her a check for $100-$200 for the school.

No other personal communication with ex-gfs other than (1) running into two at church and we would talk at the end,of the services, (2) two at a high school reunion, and (3) since I was a successful book author, I would get the occasional email out out of the blue from fellow classmates including women I dated once or twice, asking how did I break into the field. (My first book was published by Prentice Hall three years after graduate school.) Wife was present and at my side for first two and the after the introductions, we talked about our lives since graduation. Wife sees all of the emails for number 3 and is amused by my standard answers.

Only other women whom I communicated with on a regular basis and went out to lunch/dinner occasionally without my wife were the female editors who worked on my books. We would discuss the book and see what projects,I was working on. In the publishing business, it is a semi- SOP to offer your new book/project to your current publishing house. 

WWHT

P.S. I am now retired. In my career I wrote 10 books, two of which sold year after year, wrote over 100 articles, and once had a semi-regular column in a national magazine.

P.P.S. Sorry for also the typos, etc but I am doing this on an IPad


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> Has anyone read any of his previous posts? He has multiple posts over the last five years about issues with this same old GF. He had coffee with her whenever he went home, but it was “okay” because his wife was invited. When he got ill himself he went to his hometown to have a “goodbye” lunch with a group and was upset that his wife didn’t want this GF to attend. She has spoken up about this women and was silenced by him. I can only imagine the guilt trip he laid about the lunch being the last time he would be able to visit them (read: her) in person. And the hospice letter would be the same - imagine what it took for her to swallow that bile down thinking at least it would be the last time. But nope, now we have the post death letters. She is probably wondering when it will ever end. I have a five-spot that he posts a year from now that his wife is upset he is holding a memorial for the GF.
> 
> The wife’s reaction is normal. His attachment is not.


Following OP's reply to you it seems you would not be able to provide links because you did not correctly remember what you thought you remembered. It's easily done, however.

I think that it might be nice if you offered him an apology?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I would like to ask the op this. If your wife had said she wasn’t comfortable about the letter would you still have sent it?
Another thing which occurs to me is why the husband got in contact with an ex boyfriend of his wife’s who she hadn’t seen in forty five years. Has the op unknowingly been a problem in his ex’s marriage?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Has your wife been able to determine what it was about the 2nd letter that bothered her?


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Thank you for the extra insight. You're a writer and have socialized a lot with women through your career and also dating. So writing a letter to your dying ex-gf seems right in the norm and not out of character. It definitely isn't a case of her being your one true love who got away and you've pined for her all these years. I'm not sure why your wife was upset. It may be about something else, or maybe she'd like a letter too. Knowing this extra information, what you did was very sweet. I'm sorry for your loss.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

whowouldhavethought said:


> Different girlfriend. That one is alive and kicking.
> 
> When I was young and unmarried I had a number of relationships. This was one of them. It lasted about 9 months right after I graduated college. We mutually agreed to end it. We had completely different goals in life.
> 
> ...


Please accept my condolences on the loss of someone 
who you knew ( before marriage ) and had a some contact
with since then. ( with your wife;s knowledge). Your marriage
has lasted 39 years according to one of your other threads. 
Open and honest communication, and working on things together.
Just as you have done here in this situation. I think you and her
will work this out also. 

Before my 30 + year marriage I had other relationships also. My wife 
did to. We each know about them all. Have ran into a few now and then 
but nothing else. I am also semi- retired and during my previous job met I
many different people. Became friends with many of them male and female.
Still stay in contact with several, but sadly have lost a few along the way.
Wife knows about all of them, some ( when I miss traveling ) she will encourage
me to contact them. My wife knows by my actions and everything I have and 
still do that she is the one and only one. Soul mates, forever and a day!!

As I posted before in my viewpoint you did nothing wrong.
You were open and honest in everything, just showed some 
compassion and caring for an old friend, someone from long ago.
No doubt it was some comfort for her remembering old times. 

True lifelong friends are becoming harder and harder to find.
The ones who have and are there during good and bad times.
Hold on to them all, I do so does my wife. 

Keep making good memories with your wife and friends

Take care


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@whowouldhavethought, is it possible that the letter/s are not what is really bothering your wife?

Is it possible that they have triggered your wife in some way to start dwelling on another, perhaps even unrelated, issue?

You could ask her, perhaps she will tell you?

After all, if you don't know that there's a problem or an issue, how can you even begin to address it?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

whowouldhavethought said:


> Different girlfriend. That one is alive and kicking.
> 
> When I was young and unmarried I had a number of relationships. This was one of them. It lasted about 9 months right after I graduated college. We mutually agreed to end it. We had completely different goals in life.
> 
> ...


That is what happens when I jump to conclusions and think 2+2=5. Sorry about the snarky comment WWHT, I probably owe you $5 as well. 

However, you have posted about your wife having issues with the old GF’s and I don’t think it really matters if it was this one or that one. She has had some sense of insecurity regarding them. You clearly laid out that you have little contact with them and no inappropriate contact with them so there should be no issue. But she feels the way she feels because feelings aren’t always based on logic. 

This is of course all conjecture because I don’t know how your wife feels, but putting myself in her shoes I would be hurt. Logic dictates that you had a life and experiences before you met your wife that you remember fondly. I would want to be such a shining force in your life that all those memories would become shadows, all but forgotten. That you would have to strain to even see that they were still there. But your gift of words brings those memories to life, makes them vibrant and important to you. You casting the light on those memories casts a shadow on my shine, dims my importance. That is how I would feel, even it wasn’t logical or true. 

Have you discussed with your wife how she really feels about it? Since you said she was only slightly upset I would also guess she might know her feelings don’t align with the facts and she is trying to sort them out as opposed to giving in to them? As on over-feeler, that is what I do. I also wouldn’t expect you to not write your memories in the future. It would be up to me to figure out how to deal with the “feelings”.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

I think I figured it out. We had a talk and Listening between the words, I think it is not so much that I wrote this old gf who was dying, but the fact that she was dying and did die.

Tell me if this makes sense to you.

My wife is looking in the mirror and sees illness and death approaching. We have both had friends die but those were out of the blue deaths.

Wife is in her mid 70s and has already had and survived breast cancer. She has already said if her cancer returns she is going to let nature take its course

One sister has had her cancer come back for the third time. Wife and I both know she is a dead woman walking

Sister two had cancer years ago.

Sister three husband has Alzheimer’s and cannot be left alone.

She and the sisters recently decided to have a get together (each sister lives in a different part of the country) with the “understanding” while they will talk with each other, this is the final meeting.

When her mother got “old” she went in a nursing home. My wife has vowed she will never live like that.

Add in the fact, I had a couple of mini-strokes a few years ago which has affected my health

So I think she is more upset because our generation is finally dying and writing the old gf brought this feeling to the front.

She is also afraid for my health and fears being left alone and eventually having to go into a home.

Does this make sense to you?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I think I figured it out. We had a talk and Listening between the words, I think it is not so much that I wrote this old gf who was dying, but the fact that she was dying and did die.
> 
> Tell me if this makes sense to you.
> 
> ...



Yes makes some sense to me. My wife comes from a large
family. One of her sisters is currently in a home and some 
other older relatives have passed. My wife sometimes talks
about how she would not want to be that way. Her oldest 
brother lives in the family home and can hardly see anything.
Everyone takes care of him, checking up on him and taking 
him places. 

My father died in a home ( 70 yo ) and my mother never wanted to be 
put in one. She died at home with family around. ( 80 yo ) My grandfather
lived to be 95 yo. My health so so, bad knees, back and places I never 
knew hurt sometimes. I would never want to be placed in a home either.
Living and quality of life are two different things to me. I don't think about 
that however. My wife does sometimes when one of her family gets sick.
She sometimes says " We are getting older " I tell her yep that happens.
Then I plan something fun and we go do it. 

I am not being rude or anything but when I go, well I can't control that.
Then I am gone. Until then I ride my motorcycle, almost taken out by bad
drivers a few time but not going to stop. Have a blast with the grand kids.
and everything else. My sons sometimes tell me " Dad you need to slow down"
I tell them never. that is just who I am I guess.

Sometimes things happen and make us think about how precious and 
short our live can be. That is why I tell people live your life the fullest.
You only got the one.


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