# Less Sex vs Bad Relationship



## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

Sex is often the basis of the tension that arises between men and women, both within relationship and outside. All research shows that sex is the single biggest factor in couples having problem getting on with each other, whether it's about different levels of desire, different timing of desire of simply one person no longer fancying the other. When it comes to complaints about sex, men usually say there is not enough, while women claim there is too much. 

The question is, does lack of sex contribute to a bad relationship, or does a bad relationship lead to less sex?

I would like to hear what you think.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Does the egg come before the chicken? Who knows. It varies, I think, from couple to couple.


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## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

I would think both being sex less and bad relationship are likely leading to trouble in marriage. Sexual fulfillment is one of the most emotional need for men while its put in less priority to most women. Any more comments?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I agree it depends...relationships can be complicated and messy and that is why therapist are often needed to get to the heart of the matter.

In my case it was external issues that led to lack of sex, which then exacerbated both the relationship and sex. It snowballs over time and becomes a bit like a never ending game of snakes and ladders. 

There is never 1 simple answer to these problems, sometimes it even goes right back to childhood or dissatisfaction with sex mix in stress at work, followed by resentment outside of sex, plus lack of communication and so on and so forth. Over several years it is hard to pinpoint where it all went wrong.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

terrylee said:


> The question is, does lack of sex contribute to a bad relationship, or does a bad relationship lead to less sex?


Yes, and yes. Either can be true, depending on the couple, and both can be true for one couple. It's not an either/or proposition.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

terrylee said:


> Sex is often the basis of the tension that arises between men and women, both within relationship and outside. All research shows that sex is the single biggest factor in couples having problem getting on with each other, whether it's about different levels of desire, different timing of desire of simply one person no longer fancying the other. When it comes to complaints about sex, men usually say there is not enough, while women claim there is too much.
> 
> The question is, does lack of sex contribute to a bad relationship, or does a bad relationship lead to less sex?
> 
> I would like to hear what you think.


It really varies and depends on the people.

With my ex wife, we had fairly frequent sex, but it wasn't good, and our relationship wasn't that great, either. Yet we still had sex ~3 times a week.

Currently, my relationship is very good, but we have great sex 3 or 4 times a _month_.

However, I have to say that sex is really the only thing we fight about, and it's often a bone of contention for one or both of us.

It's often (like in my case) not the actual physical sex that's the issue, but everything that goes with it, including having a partner that wants to meet your needs, or is in to you, or simply has a sex drive to begin with. A mismatch in these regards can create doubt and, over time, resentment.

My ex wife, for all her faults (and a generally bad marriage for various reasons) was still a sexual person. My current wife is not. Outside of the 20, 30, 40 minutes a week (usually on the same day) there's absolutely no sexuality in any way, shape or form. So with that comes no anticipation or build-up, and that's my actual need - not the physical sex.

Everybody has different relationship needs. What I've learned in 25+ years of dating and relationships and marriage is that when it comes to these needs, sex is pretty much the only one that some people feel is 'okay' to not meet for their partners sakes, if they don't want to, and especially if they're confronted. It's often a case of one person's 'compromise' being the bare minimum in the eyes of the other. Or worse, no compromise at all (such as in the case of BJ's or HJ's).


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree with @Married but Happy. Not either / or. It is both. A bad sex life leads to a worse relationship and a bad relationship leads to a worse sex life. And it is the same in the other direction. Sometimes improving the relationship will lead to a better sex life. And sometimes improving the sex life will lead to a better relationship.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

terrylee said:


> The question is, does lack of sex contribute to a bad relationship, or does a bad relationship lead to less sex?


I think it's both and one feeds the other. For me lack of sex contributed as did a long list of other things to establish our marriage as a bad relationship. Once that was established the lack of sex continued.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I agree with other posters - it varies. My relationship with my wife is generaly good, but the sex is bad and that has hurt the rest of the relationship. I know a couple who are about to divorce where their sex life was good, but the relationship was terrible - and that eventually wrecked their sex life. 

In both situations I think there are basic differences in what different people want. Sometimes a couple is incompatible but it isn't obvious for a long time. Sometimes one or the other is just selfish.


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## terrylee (Mar 23, 2017)

To maintain an intimacy, good marital relationship, both husband and wife must serve up eath other's primary emotional needs. Sex tension releasing is the most common needs for the husband, and the emotional desire should be met by the wive, and vice versa. One or more lacks of meeting most important emotional needs is the missing ingredents for couple relationship, and that ultimately lead to terrible relationship down the road.

What causes less sex drive may be a stress at work, financial worry, serious health issues and other concerns from the member in family. And a bad relationship is caused by numerous factors including being incompatible to the parter, marital conflicts, having an affair, being cheated on and so forth.

All in all, the couple should better learn and find what the most important emotional needs are to each other, and do his/her best effort to meet them in order to secure their marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

terrylee said:


> Sex is often the basis of the tension that arises between men and women, both within relationship and outside. All research shows that sex is the single biggest factor in couples having problem getting on with each other, whether it's about different levels of desire, different timing of desire of simply one person no longer fancying the other. When it comes to complaints about sex, men usually say there is not enough, while women claim there is too much.
> 
> *The question is, does lack of sex contribute to a bad relationship, or does a bad relationship lead to less sex?*
> 
> I would like to hear what you think.


*I'm afraid to say that both preeminently go hand in hand!

What on earth is even remotely wrong about the presence of a heartfelt, mutually-loving sexual relationship?*


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