# Got the First Draft of Divorce Settlement Yesterday



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Another sad day. The hits just keep on comin'... Got the first draft of the Uncontested Marriage Dissolution Settlement and family Plan (as they call them in Florida - a "No Fault" state) yesterday.

In a nutshell: I found out in February that STBXH was having an affair that he started last September. He had asked for a divorce in January before I found out about her, saying he just wanted to be on his own and free to pursue other relationships because he was not happy in ours (though he said he still loved me), and he claimed he had no one in mind at that time. We've been married for 25 years, and it was not a sexless, loveless marriage in general, but he started becoming distant a couple years ago and we were living largely separate lives for the last two years (separate vacations, friends, etc.), while still getting along very well, I thought, as friends. We have a 13-year-old son that we just told about all this last Friday. STBXH is moving out in early May.

The settlement we agreed upon is more than satisfactorily in my favor, because the one thing STBXH is still honorable about is money. The lawyer misrepresented a couple of things they had discussed and made them largely in his favor instead of in mine, and we were both a little upset about that last night, but he's going to meet with the lawyer and have him re-do a couple points tomorrow.

Just sad at how fast this is all happening. STBX is still very much in the Affair Fog and, in my mind, is not thinking clearly at all. You're supposed to have a "cooling off" period, I think, to help keep people like him from stupidly rushing into another committed relationship with someone they barely know (this is a long-distance affair - he's only actually seen her twice since the whole thing started!). As a friend, early on I advised him not to rush in to marriage with her, and he claims he won't. Yet they've already made plans for her to move down here, and out of the only state she's ever lived in and away from her grown children, by October. He seems to think he can ask her to do that without putting a ring on her finger, but as the line in "Moonstruck" goes, what he doesn't know about women is a lot.

This has been the worst year of my life. I'm 50, and I'm about to be divorced after being married for half of it to the same man, and to be a single Mom. To add insult to injury, I've already been replaced.

Please help talk me off the ledge.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

don't sign anything for the time being....and at the same time don't respond to his calls, emails and everything else....you need a quiet period yourself, and tell him that...tell him that you need a cooling down period just for you....if you can, get away for a while. maybe just maybe, when you are out of his life for a while he will realize how much he misses you.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

You can't control what another person does, only how you respond to it. When the agreement reads the way you want it, sign it. Let him move on and make his mistakes. Which he surely will, if he commits again so soon. You may still like, or even love him in a way, but he is already "gone" from the marriage.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

I understand only so too well a lot of your story. Im 60, married 30 yr, and may be starting over, will be $ ok, ((havent been replaced as of yet)) but finding myself facing a lot of the same fears. 

I have been struggling for over 3 years, and finally it's all getting better. But I'M finally making it get better. No one else is, just me. It was a long slow painful lesson for me to learn, but it is true. It what one does, and how one handles things that make ones life better. 

I suffered and dont get me wrong, still do, for too long, but what has really help since,... Ive join on the web, several women empowering post disvorse groups. How to not be bitter, how not to ruin our own lives any more than we already feel. How to accept, there is some really good stuff out there, but I had to look for it. And from there, led me to real live women groups, where I went and met other empowering women who went down this path before me. It's all been getting better, slowly, but it is.

So try to take care of yourself. This is your time, might not be what we really wanted, but we are living the life we are meant to be. 

~sammy


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Nomorebeans

One TAM suggestion would be to try to keep it all in one thread. That makes it easier for posters to keep everything straight.

And the suggestion about not responding for certain period of time is great. Don't tell him looks good, I agree, just nothing. This is a huge step and it takes time for it all to sink in. Looking back I would have done things differently, and I got everything I asked for. I was still too emotional and co-dependent and let him slide. I regretted that. Listen, I am not suggesting you been vindictive or greedy, just thoughtful.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Okay, I'll make you feel better. You had 25 years; I had 45 years (and took a gigantic financial hit that I'll never recover from). And yet I have never been happier. Why? Because all of the unfortunate things that had to do with my ex-husband are now in the past and finally I'm at peace with my life. 

My ex-husband didn't marry his AP but he did immediately marry someone he met online (and had known only a few months) -- the moment the judge signed the final decree. I had previously told him -- as a friend -- it would be better not to rush into another marriage so soon but he didn't listen and your husband probably won't listen either. But it's not your problem so don't let it be. 

As to my relationship with my ex-husband now, we are friends (and I'm friends with his new wife as well). I see him at family functions and am happy to enjoy his company for awhile but I'm happiest of all to leave him behind when I go home. 

My life is good. Yours will be too.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Jane139 said:


> You can't control what another person does, only how you respond to it. When the agreement reads the way you want it, sign it. Let him move on and make his mistakes. Which he surely will, if he commits again so soon. You may still like, or even love him in a way, but he is already "gone" from the marriage.


Can't be said better than this.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> You can't control what another person does, only how you respond to it. When the agreement reads the way you want it, sign it. Let him move on and make his mistakes. Which he surely will, if he commits again so soon. You may still like, or even love him in a way, but he is already "gone" from the marriage.


I agree completely with this sentiment, and I don't intend to hold up the overall proceedings, once the settlement reads exactly the way I want it to. It doesn't yet - his attorney got more than a few things wrong, and omitted a couple clauses I'd like him to add.

And I don't still love him in any way - he's kicked the crap out of that with his actions and words over the last 3 months. I don't even like him, anymore. It's just my pride that won't let me let it go - that irritating little voice that keeps invading my more rational thoughts with "I can't believe he's already replaced me, and with someone like her."

How do I make that voice stop? It'll probably just take some time to continue to see the person he really is, not the one I thought he was, and to come to believe that's not someone I care to know.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You might not love him, but you were attached to him and the loss of attachment is painful. It's really painful.

My advice in terms of the voice, argue with it. Remind it you were replaced, because he wasn't worthy. And he replaced you with someone of lesser caliber. (Because you know a woman that messes with a man who she knows is married is trash. ) Start looking at the positives of being free. 

One of the things that really helped me was journaling. I wrote letters to him got all the pain out...every entry was a letter to him or other people who hurt me. But after every letter, I forced myself to think of something I was grateful for. 

But truth...it still took a really long time to shut that voice off. And it's still there, just not as loud and I can tune it out.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> It's just my pride that won't let me let it go - that irritating little voice that keeps invading my more rational thoughts with "I can't believe he's already replaced me, and with someone like her."
> 
> How do I make that voice stop? It'll probably just take some time to continue to see the person he really is, not the one I thought he was, and to come to believe that's not someone I care to know.


In time that lil voice will start to say if he is dumb enough to leave me for that good riddance. 

Its not as much about watching and seeing who he really is or isn't but you regaining some of your self esteem, learning how to live life without him around.


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