# Question...



## vict0ria_b (Mar 10, 2011)

I am reading through everyone's stories/comments etc trying my best to get up to speed on everyone.  

I just have a question that I can't seem to find the answer to in any of these post. 

I know that some of you have successfully had Reconciliation or at least on the right path. Very jealous and very happy for all of you.  

But, it seems like for the people that have had reconciliation that at some point very early on that your spouse did admit that they want to try to work on things. 

I don't think I can get that from my H. He has expressed no desire once so ever to try to work on this. I am just wondering if anyone had a spouse that was "he** bent" on divorce and managed to turn things around. 

I am in IC and I have ordered some books that you all have suggested, but I am just wondering if this is possible to do if I can't get him to say this is what he wants. 

We are still in the same house, and I know he needs space, I am working on a way to physically separate us (he is military and live in NC, but ALL of our family lives in FL) but I am just so unsure.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Maybe post a thread like this in reconciliation stories and see if you get some responses. I know there are plenty of examples in the recommended books. 

I am in a similar situation. He never said he wants a divorce, but he just doesn't have it in him to try to work on this. Says he wishes things could be back to normal, but he doesn't know how. But he won't try anything I recommend. So I left town as he has been staying with his parents for the last week. I'm staying gone for 9 days and we will see what it's like when I go back. I'm trying the 180 right now. 

I think a 180 is your best bet. This is where I've seen the most reconciliation stores. If you visit divorcebusters.com, there is a forum with success stories. There's a link in this post. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

what lonelyNlost said. Do the 180 and wait is all you can do. You can't change his mind. Only he can decide.


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## vict0ria_b (Mar 10, 2011)

Thanks for sharing 180. I actually saw that set of rules when I read your story ANX. I am doing my best to implement these rules. I contacted my boss this morning about letting me work remotely from FL until he leave for his deployment in May. 

This will be the only way I can get out from under the same roof as him. 48 days is all I have until we are forced to be separated... My heart is telling me don't leave, but my head is telling me if I want to have any shot at all I have too. 

Is 48 days of no contact enough time to see any type of result from 180? 


Anyways, for those of you that have been following (THANK YOU) my post the past couple of days. We have finally talked about what happen with him in IC. Keep in mind he went to see the person I have been seeing for IC. She told me that he was very verbally about wanting a divorce. He said he didn't know when he was going to start the paperwork, but it he would be filing. 


So I approached him about this once I got home this evening. I told him that as of right now I just want to try to get some space, and I have talked to my boss about working remotely from FL until he is deployed. I told him that I understood that he wants a divorce and he has no intent on in working this out. 

I also asked that we do not start talking about the divorce (splitting things up etc.) until after I got home from FL or until he comes down to FL visit his family on leave. I told him I was not in an accepting place right this moment and I needed some time to come to terms with the fact that this was not going to be worked out. 


Yes, I will admit I have double intention with this... I want him to actually take some time to be on his own. I want him to have to think. Since all of this started we have lived under the same roof and STILL slept in the same bed. At the same time tho, I am going to try to be more accepting and work on me. 
I know if I try to talk to him about how to separate our assets I will just get angry and attempt to take everything. 


At the very least I hope to come out of this divorce still friends. This is someone I have known since I was 14 years old. I know that can't be possible if I become vindictive and try to take everything from him. 

Hoping I am making the right moves here. Thank again to everyone who is leaving comments. I know I am new here and haven't posted much on other members, but I am just not in a place where I feel I could be helpful to anyone.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

He should not be seeing the same counselor as you...and the counselor should not be sharing info...


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## vict0ria_b (Mar 10, 2011)

DJF, 

I think he signed a release to let her tell me. Before I went and met with her this morning he told me " I want you to hear what I am trying to tell you from a 3rd party.."


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Okay, I can understand that part of it...but for a counselor to hear both sides of the story and remain objective for both sides, that would be difficult...

My wife and I saw the same counselor separately, then the counselor tried to bring us togehter and it was a disaster...if nothing else, if you more into MC, use someone else!!!


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I don't have first-hand experience since my story does not end in an R. My H started with the "love you, but not in love with you" thing. He became very detached from me and our kids. He was quite cruel really and then took several months to figure out how HE wanted to deal with the situation - move out or work on it. It was an awful place for me to be - that limbo land where he was the only one who held all the cards. 

In any event, he decided to leave and I found out there was someone else, as everybody had suspected in the first place. He didn't push me to divorce, but didn't do anything to indicate that he wanted to come back home. At this point, I don't want him back here. I implemented a hard 180 once I found out the truth and filed for D about 4 months after he left and about 3 months after I got the news about the OW. (BTW, he still has not admitted that they were seeing each other while he was still living here - tried to b.s. me and say that it "just started" after he moved out. If you believe that, I have some swamp land in FL to sell you.)

Anyway, as to your question about how/when people reconcile, from what I've seen of other people's stories, it can happen any time. Sometimes, they come back right away. Other times, they try to come back a year, maybe two years, later once the excitment of trying to find the greener patch of grass wears off. Sometimes, they never come back.

The main thing for you to focus on is that you have a life and you cannot wait around to see if/when he is going to come around. You cannot control him. I know - it's an awful feeling and it's very, very scary to try to detach, but it's the only thing that is going to help you heal a bit and get a handle on this situation. As my IC has said, she's seen it a million times - we go through this horrendous grieving process right up front; the spouses who leave rarely do. If they want to come back, odds are we will have been through it and over it. Don't focus on what he wants or what he's going to do. It's all about you now.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm not sure how you talked to him about D was a good idea. You need to make it clear that you want to make it work and are committed, but will separate to give him time.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> He never said he wants a divorce,


my W hasn't mentioned the word, yet, but I am not hopeful.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> my W hasn't mentioned the word, yet, but I am not hopeful.


My H & I have semi talked about it, he's told me to file if I want, but he's not in any hurry.. this just confuses me 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Eh, my husband always threatens divorce. He's been doing that for years! I say something wrong and the "D" word comes out. I started making fun of him when he did that. 

I can't afford a divorce. It seems a waste of time and effort anyway. Go ahead, knock yourself but in the end I just want to be left alone.


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## vict0ria_b (Mar 10, 2011)

anx said:


> I'm not sure how you talked to him about D was a good idea. You need to make it clear that you want to make it work and are committed, but will separate to give him time.


ANX, 

I didn't want to talk about it at all, but right now we are at a point where he SAYS "V, a D is what is going to happen. You can either accept it or not accept it." 

All he hears when I try to tell him I want to make it work is.. this is what YOU want.. By tell him I understand what he wanted I was just trying to get him to let his guard down some so we could talk and not yell... 

I am doing my best to not push him into putting the paper work in until after he deploys. I know this is going to take time so IDK maybe I am wrong for trying 'buy time" if you will... 

Who knows asking him wait may back fire on me because he may not change his mind, but at least I will have time to cope with the situation and and get myself together. So if he does end it we can still remain friends.

Who knows, a lot can happen over a year right? 


For now all I know is that we have had ZERO time apart since he came to me and said he wanted a divorce so I need to get away from him and truly give both of us space. There is no way I can implement 180 living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed as him.


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## vict0ria_b (Mar 10, 2011)

blownaway said:


> I don't have first-hand experience since my story does not end in an R. My H started with the "love you, but not in love with you" thing. He became very detached from me and our kids. He was quite cruel really and then took several months to figure out how HE wanted to deal with the situation - move out or work on it. It was an awful place for me to be - that limbo land where he was the only one who held all the cards.
> now.


Blownaway, 

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I am sorry it didn't end in R but you should like you are in a good place. I dream about the day when I can deal with and accept whatever outcome is about to happen. 

For him I know there is no OW. I think this is coming from the "grass is greener" syndrome but for a different reason. I have been with this man since he was 17 and I was 14. We are now 25 and 22. We have no other "love experience" if you will. He has no other relationship to compare me too and the same is true for me. 

At the same point either one of us have ever had "me time" we have always, always, always been in a relationship and I truly think ( and he has told me this ) that he just wants to be able to focus on him and no one else. 

I am doing my best to focus on me but it is hard, and every part of me just keeps coming back to hoping he will see the grass isn't greener. Hopefully IC will help with this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Eh, my husband always threatens divorce.



In some ways, your situation reminds me of mine. My H would constantly throw the D word around. I remember the first time it happened like it was yesterday. He did file though. I read an article once where it said that the moment the D word is uttered, the relationship is lost. People who threaten D constantly are idiots.


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