# He left a year ago today...



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So today marks the one year anniversary of him leaving. I'm not sure even where to start. I can't believe that a year has gone by.

I had a bad nights sleep last night and woke up this morning with an empty feeling. I stood at my dresser this morning and it popped into my head, the way he got up early that morning, showered and said he was going to the gym. I was half asleep when I realized he was putting on cologne. I woke up and asked him why and he gave me some dumb excuse. He left and I went back to sleep. It was the last time he did that routine here.

Evening came and he called me on the way home from work to ask me to meet him in the car. He had something to tell me and at that point I knew what was going on. All the strange behavior over the last week since Christmas was making sense now. 

When I walked out to the car it was facing in the wrong direction against the curb. I knew what was coming. I got the I love you but I'm not happy so I'm leaving speech. Eventually, after my constant questioning for answers it came out that there was someone else. He left that night and hasn't been in this house since then.

I have two other threads here. One that I wrote in February when I joined and one when I found out who the ow was. I'm not going to go into that again. It's been a long journey but I'd like to think that with the help and guidance of certain people I have made it through. I am over him. I realize how much better my life is without him and I'm much happier now.

It doesn't change the fact that today is proving to be very hard. I'm drained and numb. Every insecurity I felt a year ago is back on the surface. I need to work through it again. I need to remember how far I've come. That I'm not that person anymore. It's just something I have to do I guess. This feels terrible.

The thing is today marks the end of all the "firsts". It's done as of today. Tomorrow is the one year a anniversary of the start of my new life. It's something to look forward to.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> So today marks the one year anniversary of him leaving. I'm not sure even where to start. I can't believe that a year has gone by.
> 
> I had a bad nights sleep last night and woke up this morning with an empty feeling. I stood at my dresser this morning and it popped into my head, the way he got up early that morning, showered and said he was going to the gym. I was half asleep when I realized he was putting on cologne. I woke up and asked him why and he gave me some dumb excuse. He left and I went back to sleep. It was the last time he did that routine here.
> 
> ...


Many times I've hoped he'd choke on a chunk of cream cheese.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Smallsteps, the manner in which you ended your post speaks volumes for your recovery. You are looking forward to the life you chose to build, a life that will be on your terms and not the terms of a lying, manipulative piece of stale bread. (just to continue the bagel and cream cheese theme).
IMO, losing you will turn out to be one of the big regrets of his life. Finding yourself during this last year will be one of your true joys in life.
Happy New Year, literally.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Smallsteps
Throw yourself a party. You are free, you are amazing, and you are almost at your destination.

Good luck!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

your mind and spirit and eyes are in the right direction - forward to new and better days. there will still be tough days but you sound like many who have tread similar ground and slowly the tough days get fewer and less difficult. keep going. you are making it just fine even on the days when it doesn't feel so much so.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SS

Tomorrow when the it stops snowing take $10 and go buy yourself a lottery ticket for yourself.

Celebrate the date you found out as the day you finally got the truth.

And when you know what you are dealing with then you can truly deal with it.

Keep moving forward.

HM


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

SS Please list your top 3 goals with this new freedom


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> SS Please list your top 3 goals with this new freedom


To live a happy, peaceful life

To never let anyone take advantage of me again

To find a man to grow old and have fun with


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> To live a happy, peaceful life
> 
> To never let anyone take advantage of me again
> 
> To find a man to grow old and have fun with


I love the order very healthy and appropriate

You can do it

55


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Mark it down as another Independence Day! You have your freedom! 

I still struggle but it's normal. This too will pass!

When she left it was the greatest gift she ever gave me. No longer bound to her unhappiness. That's what she brought to our marriage.

What do I miss? Hugs, kisses, love, companionship. Guess what? Plenty or women out there want that too AND commitment. I picked a loser. It happens. 

You have so much to offer and give the right person. But don't do so if it make you unhappy. That's what I've learned from this trial.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hang in there SS. You're the bee's knees. You'll find a good guy but be happy being you first. Happy New Year!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thank you all. Your kind words got me through a very bad time.

I'm feeling a little better today. Had a couple of conversations with some friends throughout the day yesterday and had a conversation with someone who knows how to make me smile before bed last night.

I got a good night's sleep and woke up feeling better about things this morning.

I know I am better off. I am much happier. My mom posted a response to something I posted on Facebook : "I should thank him for giving me back the daughter you once were". That statement says a lot.

I'll never settle again. I know one lie will lead to others so I pretty much have no tolerance for lying. I'd rather hear the truth and deal with it no matter how much it hurts. The future is scary but hopefully it all works out. I guess for now it's best to deal with the present

LW - Happy New Year to you too!

HM - the roads are clear so I'll be off to work later. I'll pick that lottery ticket up then.


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## Wanttoliveagain (Nov 2, 2013)

All the best SS..You sound like you are in a good place. To never settle again...and have hope and faith in the truth. 

Keep being strong and all the best for 2014!! Onwards and upwards to all of us!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Get that ticket SS.

I won $2,800.00 last year.

This year I am looking for a few more zeros to add on to that. 

HM


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Thank you all. Your kind words got me through a very bad time.
> 
> I'm feeling a little better today. Had a couple of conversations with some friends throughout the day yesterday and had a conversation with someone who knows how to make me smile before bed last night.
> 
> ...


Don't forget the bagels.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Don't forget the bagels.


You are never going to forget that "Bagel Boy" comment are you?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lol, no he probably won't. Truth is when I think of stbxh or have to deal with him, it's the first place my mind goes. Those damn bagels lol!!

HM- that type of a win is awesome. Throw a few more zeroes on that and it would be unbelievably awesome!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Lol, no he probably won't. Truth is when I think of stbxh or have to deal with him, it's the first place my mind goes. Those damn bagels lol!!
> 
> HM- that type of a win is awesome. Throw a few more zeroes on that and it would be unbelievably awesome!!


Humor is therapeutic.

Morituri is a long-time poster here. Seems like a really good guy.

I remember him revealing the horror of actually discovering a videotape of his wife having sex with posOM.

His therapist suggested that he imagine them in clown suits doing the deed. He does this and is now able to laugh about it.

I see the bagels in that same fashion for smallsteps.

Good old Bagel Boy.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I get it.

Now if we can just get SS to teach the dog that he misses so much to pee on his leg the next time he comes over to visit the dog...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

happyman64 said:


> I get it.
> 
> Now if we can just get SS to teach the dog that he misses so much to pee on his leg the next time he comes over to visit the dog...


Tell him the piss goes great with cream cheese.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yes Conrad you are right. Humor has got me through this journey and kept me from losing my mind.

I found this site six weeks after he left. You all missed the part where I could hardly move, stopped eating and cried non stop for days on end. I was still bad and devastated when I found this place. It took me two weeks of lurking until I posted. It took about another two weeks, when I met a certain someone on here, who got me to stop crying on a daily basis. That person got me out of my dark place.

Once the crying stopped and all didn't seem so hopeless is when I started to realize I could still laugh. That has been the greatest healer for me. Sometimes the story seems so ridiculous I have no choice but to laugh. Someday I should write a book lol!


You'd be quite proud of me today. I was pretty proud of myself. He called this morning at 8:45. He needed the title to an old car he has. I told him to give me 15 minutes, I was just getting up. He called back in 5. I reminded him I said 15 and hung up. I had the title in my hand. I called him back 10 minutes later. Like I said - 15 minutes.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Yes Conrad you are right. Humor has got me through this journey and kept me from losing my mind.
> 
> I found this site six weeks after he left. You all missed the part where I could hardly move, stopped eating and cried non stop for days on end. I was still bad and devastated when I found this place. It took me two weeks of lurking until I posted. It took about another two weeks, when I met a certain someone on here, who got me to stop crying on a daily basis. That person got me out of my dark place.
> 
> ...


When you were still with this POS were you compelled jump when he said so ?

And by the way we are all proud of you but more importantly

See in *RED*


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Yes Conrad you are right. Humor has got me through this journey and kept me from losing my mind.
> 
> I found this site six weeks after he left. You all missed the part where I could hardly move, stopped eating and cried non stop for days on end. I was still bad and devastated when I found this place. It took me two weeks of lurking until I posted. It took about another two weeks, when I met a certain someone on here, who got me to stop crying on a daily basis. That person got me out of my dark place.
> 
> ...


The key to having others respect you is respecting yourself.

That's where it MUST start.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

just got it 55 said:


> When you were still with this POS were you compelled jump when he said so ?
> 
> And by the way we are all proud of you but more importantly
> 
> See in *RED*


55,

It may sound ridiculous.

But, I find the first step to breaking codependent behavior is to force yourself to wait at least 10 minutes until you text back.

Being available 24/7 may seem like a loving act.

ROFLFMAO

Look where it gets you.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Conrad said:


> 55,
> 
> It may sound ridiculous.
> 
> ...


No Not at all ridiculous

Make perfect sence to me
a recovering codependent nice guy

Regaining my self respect made an immediate impact on the way my wife interacted with me

one day at a time as it were

55


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> When you were still with this POS were you compelled jump when he said so ?
> 
> And by the way we are all proud of you but more importantly
> 
> See in *RED*



Of course I was. Part of the downfall of our marriage though was when I stopped doing that. You see then I was told I didn't love him anymore.


I think I have mentioned before that in 2006 I suffered two miscarriages. That had a profound affect on me. I always felt in my heart that if we were going to have a 4th child it would have to be before I was 35/36 years old. Well he laughed at me and thought I was crazy. He said no. So the year I turned 38 he agrees to try. The results were devastating.

Something started to change at that point. I felt if he took me seriously and listened all that wouldn't have happened and I'd have my 4th child. Well I was done listening to him. It took a while but little by little I stopped jumping when he said so. The rest is history.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> The key to having others respect you is respecting yourself.
> 
> That's where it MUST start.


Very true, I couldn't agree more.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So its been pretty quiet but of course that ended last week.

He called early in the morning to let me know his job "let him go".
When I spoke to him I asked what he was planning to do and the reply was he didn't know.

Now this is upsetting news because of course this affects me but then he said something to me. He couldn't get over the fact they made him drive two hours to fire him.

He explained to me what happened. Apparently they called to ask him if he was coming into the office. He told them yes but he thought about it and asked if it was something bad, because if it was then they could just tell him over the phone. They told him no to just come in so they could talk. As soon as he got there he got the speech and was let go. A smile crossed my face.

I'm pretty sure I have explained how things went down the night he left. I got the call telling me to come out to the car when he got home. When I asked if something was wrong I got told no. Had to wait until he got home and then he dropped the news on me that he was leaving. Well now he knew how that felt. What goes around comes around I guess.

That being said when I heard from him this morning he wasn't so laid back about finding a new job. I guess OW didn't take the news so well.

I also got a little insight as to what their relationship is like - not that it matters. They moved recently and S21 helped. He's been quiet about it but since his father lost his job he's been talking. First he told me that as soon as they got to the new place he began to complain that he doesn't like it there. OW blurts out in front of my son "it was your idea to move here. You wanted to get away from everyone" hmmm...

S21 also said that she mentioned wanting to paint the place and he said no. She said she could paint it herself. He said they aren't painting anything. S21 said "ma - they argue just like you and he used to" 

Well thank God it's not my problem anymore. All I thought to myself when my son told me this was "I don't have to deal with that anymore" I do what I want when I want. It was such a great feeling.

So yes it has taken a year to hear this. Truth is it doesn't matter because I'm happy with the way my life is now but it was sort of like icing on the cake. He has not changed and she's stuck with him now. 

So for all of you who are just starting this journey out there, who think what is happening is the end of your world and your walk away spouse and the ow/om are living some great fantasy life - all is not what it appears to be.

Hopefully by the time you see what the truth is you will have realized, like I have, that your life is so much better without them. That you like the person you have become. That you have found someone to make you smile. That you realize that it doesn't matter what your ex's life is like, you're just glad it's not you in that position anymore.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> So its been pretty quiet but of course that ended last week.
> 
> He called early in the morning to let me know his job "let him go".
> When I spoke to him I asked what he was planning to do and the reply was he didn't know.
> ...


That's why you are one of my favorites.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Let me ask, why do you even accept his calls and listen to him as he describes his dilemma of losing his job? 

If you've truly moved on, why do you even know what his new life is about?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Let me ask, why do you even accept his calls and listen to him as he describes his dilemma of losing his job?
> 
> If you've truly moved on, why do you even know what his new life is about?


Well since he has to pay me a certain amount of money each week it is my concern. Why do I listen? Because after a year I know how to strike a balance. I know my boundaries and I know when to end the conversation.

As for his new life, I really don't care. My son was just talking because he's realizing his father really hasn't changed. I am his mother, he talks to me. Do I ask questions - heck no.

Please before you question me read my threads, ask others who have regularly responded to me and have gotten to know me - this has been a very long and painful journey for me but I have listened to wise people who have given me advice. I have learned so much from them. I am still learning, I am far from done, but I am over him and I have moved on. That much I know.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> That's why you are one of my favorites.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks RG. You are one of mine too. You've come a long way since you started your journey.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> So its been pretty quiet but of course that ended last week.
> 
> He called early in the morning to let me know his job "let him go".
> When I spoke to him I asked what he was planning to do and the reply was he didn't know.
> ...


Steps I've been looking forward to saying this

*I fvcken told you so*

They are going to crash and burn 

Now send him a baglegram

55


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Well since he has to pay me a certain amount of money each week it is my concern. Why do I listen? Because after a year I know how to strike a balance. I know my boundaries and I know when to end the conversation.
> 
> As for his new life, I really don't care. My son was just talking because he's realizing his father really hasn't changed. I am his mother, he talks to me. Do I ask questions - heck no.
> 
> Please before you question me read my threads, ask others who have regularly responded to me and have gotten to know me - this has been a very long and painful journey for me but I have listened to wise people who have given me advice. I have learned so much from them. I am still learning, I am far from done, but I am over him and I have moved on. That much I know.


And that's why you are one of *MY *favorites there Jersey Girl 

55


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks 55 and thanks for all your advice and support. 

You know what, let them crash and burn. I don't care anymore! Lololololol!! 

Now she knows what I went through for 24&1/2 years!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Thanks 55 and thanks for all your advice and support.
> 
> You know what, let them crash and burn. I don't care anymore! Lololololol!!
> 
> Now she knows what I went through for 24&1/2 years!



Sweetie you know it couldn't end any other way

He's a classic POS and you know what she is

Now do you think she is going to carry his sorry ass ?

All you are going to do is pity them and let them see it

Now the question will be who will get the boot

Him or her

I'm betting him anyone care to wager ?

55


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> Sweetie you know it couldn't end any other way
> 
> He's a classic POS and you know what she is
> 
> ...


But, but, but... What happened to the fantasy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> But, but, but... What happened to the fantasy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Never mind RG Just Put UP or well....... you know

55


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'll stay out of this and let you guys place your bets. Lol


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Honestly I think the dog is happier too!

And keep taking his calls. Remind him to keep the check on time and no he cannot substitute $$$ for bagels. 😜
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Smallsteps,
This is the karma bus rolling over him.
I personally believe that folks either evolve as a result of what "should" be a life-changing event, or they stagnate. You are a perfect example of someone who has evolved. Him-not so much. 
Now without his weekly money, can you make ends meet?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Smallsteps,
> This is the karma bus rolling over him.
> I personally believe that folks either evolve as a result of what "should" be a life-changing event, or they stagnate. You are a perfect example of someone who has evolved. Him-not so much.
> Now without his weekly money, can you make ends meet?


I can for a little while.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> I can for a little while.


Do you have a line on a second job?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hey ss. Big congrats on you getting through this and beyond. Spose the ride continues it is for me but hey , the bumps do get smaller don't they and l like to think of it like we've got better suspension these days :rofl:
Here's to a nicer 2014 and who knows , maybe life brings us something nice this year eh :smthumbup:

Lots of hugs.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Hey ss. Big congrats on you getting through this and beyond. Spose the ride continues it is for me but hey , the bumps do get smaller don't they and l like to think of it like we've got better suspension these days :rofl:
> Here's to a nicer 2014 and who knows , maybe life brings us something nice this year eh :smthumbup:
> 
> Lots of hugs.


Thanks. 

I think that's just it, as we get stronger and we learn about ourselves the "bumps" do get smaller. We begin to let go of what was, what could have been and we begin to live in what our new realty is and we start looking toward the future.

2014 is off to a bumpy start so far - I hope it gets better from here lol.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Honestly I think the dog is happier too!
> 
> And keep taking his calls. Remind him to keep the check on time and no he cannot substitute $$$ for bagels. 😜
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He took S15 to the dentist today. I texted him to see how the visit went. 

He called back. I made sure to ask how that job search was going. 

He supposedly has some offers. I reminded him there are still bills to pay here so he needs to let me know what's going on.

He agreed to keep me updated. 

We'll see how this goes.......


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

How about an update SS?

I picked up my oldest daughter yesterday at the train station as she returned from college.

She told me she was going out with friends that night.

She asked me if I would stop at a store so she could pickup a quick outfit to wear in NY City.

I asked her what store.

her answer "KOLHLS".

I immediately thought of you. Funny how our minds work. LOL 

So how about that update???

HM


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Hi SS ~
How are you doing?
VH


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey sorry for the dry spell. An update.... hmmm...

Well actually things are really good. I'm doing good. I've moved beyond anything bothering me anymore. Yes he still does things to annoy me but it's strange - it just doesn't upset me at all. It's like I'm detached, like what he does really doesn't concern me. All I care about is he gives me the money each week. I guess I'm indifferent lol. 

Kids are great. S21 graduated from college last week with an accounting degree. He landed a great job that he started last Tuesday. 

D24 (almost 25 - yikes!) Had a car accident a few weeks ago. She was fine but it led to stbx and I spending time in the emergency room with her. We did ok. Made small talk. Since I was at work when it happened I looked nice - he showed up looking disheveled. The nurses and doctors all spoke to d24 & me. They ignored him. It was good lol 

S16 is getting ready to wrap up his sophomore year in HS and will take driving lessons this summer. Look out NJ!

Of course the ex was at s21' s graduation. We only gave him one ticket for himself. OW had no place there. We sat together, the two kids between us. We made one or two passing comments. When it was over s21 met us at the cars. As it turns out we were parked a row away from each other. Again, small talk, that's it. In the end I could see he wanted a picture of him and s21 together. I suggested it and they took one. Then we went our way and he went his. 

They now moved an hour away so the kids don't see him much. They did go there for one dinner with them. It didn't go so well. Kids weren't comfortable. Funny thing is he must have painted himself to be father of the year but with the kids actually there, he showed another side 

Anyway, like I said things are good. I'm content. I'm happy. The kids are happy. Life is good. 

I hope all of you are doing well too.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SS

Great update!

Congratulations on your sons graduation and I am glad your D's scrape was not life threatening.

Never miss him. Just the bagels.

Keep being happy.

HM


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> SS
> 
> Great update!
> 
> ...


Excellent update
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> SS
> 
> Great update!
> 
> ...


I don't miss him at all! As a matter of fact I look back now and can't figure out how I lived for so many years that way. I'm so much happier with my life now.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

SS you are ready young lady

Have at it 

Have fun always

55


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> SS you are ready young lady
> 
> Have at it
> 
> ...


Thanks


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

SS very inspiring. All the best and thanks for posting.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

lancaster said:


> SS very inspiring. All the best and thanks for posting.


Thank you. It's been a long year and a half but I have learned so much. 

What would have been my anniversary is coming up next week. Truth is it doesn't matter at all anymore. It's become just another day. I wouldn't have even though about it except that the coupon that my store I work expires on July 9th and I had to circle it in red every time a customer earned one. 

Life gets better as you move on.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How's your love life, SS?


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