# Troubled Family



## smg

My husband is angry with me and our 22 year old son because my son will not go into the service. My husband feels like the service will make a better man out of our son. Our son does not want to go into the service. My husband has never had a good relationship with our son but I have. My husband keeps saying our son will not listen to him but he will listen to me. I feel like this is because my husband never really tried that hard to have a really close relationship with our son. He gave him love and money but never really tried hard to spend a lot of father and son time with him. For the past two years my husband has been trying to get my son to go into the service. Because I have a closer relationship with my son my husband has been recently getting angry with me on a daily basis because I will not try to convince my son to go into the service. He feels like I can do it. I feel like my son has the right to make his own decisions. He is 22 years old. I do not care whether my son goes into the service just as long as it is his decision. My husband does not believe me. He thinks I do not want my son in the service. My husband argues with me on a daily basis about convincing our son to go into the service. Our son does not live with us but is working and staying out of trouble. This does not satisfy my husband. If my son is not talking about going into the service nothing he does is right according to my husband. My husband blames me for anything my son does. I feel like this is because my husband knows he was not as close to our son when he was growing us as he should have been and now regrets it. Because I am the closes person to my husband he is taking all of his anger out on me. Anything I do that my husband does not like I am constantly told you are just like your son. My son loves both me and my husband. He has told my husband he loves him but my husband feels like if he's not talking about going into the service then he's not showing his love for him. My husband's obsession with my son going into the service is destroying his relationship with our son and our marriage. I prayer everyday is for God to remove the pain and evilness that my husband is going through. I also pray for a closer relationship between my son and husband and for our marriage.


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## demora

It sounds like your husband is having some guilt issues. Maybe he woke up one day and realized that his little boy is now a man and he missed so much by not taking the time to be close. It sounds like he lashes out at you because you have the relationship with your son that he has missed out on and maybe he sees the service as something that would bring them together....like your son did it just for him (not a rational reason to join the military, but it doesn't sound like your husband is being rational right now).

I'm no professional, but I would think maybe some family counseling could help the situation, or maybe just some father son time to really connect...if there's something they both enjoy doing. But it doesn't sound like this would really work. 

Was your husband in the service? A lot of times, I think men who were in the service have aspirations of their sons following in their footsteps. 

Best wishes. I will keep you and your family in my prayers


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## smg

No, my husband has never been in the service. However his brother has. My husband's mother and brother agrees with my husband that my son should be in the service. This is another reason why he strongly feels he should go. However other members of his family feel like I do. That my son should be allowed to make his own decision. My husband is a person that believes what he feels is correct no matter what.


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## draconis

I come from a long line of military in my family and can pass on a bit of wisdom passed to me and I have seen proven as true.

On my fathers side they have been in the military back to the revolutionary war and even before (The settling of Virgina) My mother and her father were also military. I grew up on base. Both of my grand fathers fought in WWII and my father in Nam.

My father always cautioned that you need to go in for the right reasons and you can only get from it what you want to get if that. For some people it is a really good thing, for others it is the biggest mistake of their life. I wanted to join but could not for medical reasons.

Several of my friends are or have been in the military. For some it has been the best thing they ever did. For others it was a waste of time, still a very few it was a bad decision.

If your son at 22 doesn't want to join then he should not. Your husband needs to get a grip because he is going to drive your son farther away.

He also should not be yelling at you.

draconis


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## kajira

Making the choice to go into the service has be a personal choice, your sons choice. From reading your posts there seems to be other underlying issues that your husband may have that he is directing towards your son in an effort to get him to join the serivce. I suggest you following you true feelings and let your son decide for himself.


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## sarahdale24

Other than 'becoming a better man' I would find out any other reasons why he thinks he should join? Tell him that in order to have an honest discussion with your son, he needs to know why his father is so dead set on this. I agree your husband needs to realize that he can't control other peoples lives. And he's only pushing his son away. Big hugs to you for dealing with this, being caught in the middle is no fun!


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## demora

My husband was in the military, and he said that for some people it was the greated decision they ever made. For some it was okay, and for a few, it was the worst thing they had ever done.

Going into the military needs to be a personal decision. It can't be forced on someone. Either it's right for you, or it's not. Just like everything else in life, you only get out of it what you put in to it, however, with today's world going into the service with less then your whole heart is a dangerous move. 

I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share to make this easier. I guess maybe find out if your husband's parents dictated his career and life choices and keep expressing that he should be free to lead the life he wants to lead and as long as he's not screwing it up with drugs and drinking, what's the problem? (not that it will work)


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## draconis

ANy updates?

draconis


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## stav

Does your son have something he particularly wants to do instead? Has he already made a career choice, maybe something hubby is not impressed with? Perhaps if he hasn't, the reason your husband is pushing it so much, is that he is worried that your son has no direction in life, no career plans?

Just a thought, as if your husband is not military himself, then I don't see why that is the choice he would make for his son, unless he was concerned that he is going nowhere with his life?


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## Liza

Is it a case where your son is perhaps out of control or is showing no interest in something that would make him a success on life? Why is your husband so bend on him serving?


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