# Calling Sigma and the other WS - Daisygirl needs urgent help!



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My WH has told me he wants to break off his A. 
Long time (9 months) EA, with co worker, was exposed by OWH 4 weeks ago. EA went completely underground for 4 months., turned to PA 2 weeks ago when OWH moved out. OWH exposed A to Me and co workers.
What do I do now?
I know he needs to do the NC letter are there any examples anywhere?
Do I take a back seat and let him do this or is it something we need to do together?
I haven't decided if I am able to R with him yet. I am so afraid of getting hurt again but I need to get this part right before we can even begin to talk about our future.
I'm so scared. I was moving on without him and beginning to Plan for my future.
He has written me a letter which awaits me when I get home from work in 2 hrs. This will be the first time he has opened up to me in nearly a year.
I will update when I've seen the letter.
Thankyou in advance
X

My thread is in the seperation and divorce forum 'please don't say you told me so'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

There are samples of NC letters in the following

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thx Eli-Zor
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My first question is what happened??? A totally self initiated epiphany seems unlikely, it usually takes an action by someone else to make the fog lift enough for a cheater to want to quit the affair - typically exposure of the A or being ended by the OM/OW. So his A has been exposed for a month and rather than have the fog start to lift and express a desire to reconcile he takes it deeper by going PA?? Am I interpreting that right? 

Quitting his affair is something he has to do on his own, but in the manner and form that you want to be most effective for reconciliation. You need to approve the NC letter in advance and you need to know what you approved is what gets sent. Then the hard part with NC, he has to actually do it. Any contact - ANY - and he must tell you and not respond. It doesn't matter what it is. Anything from a direct email, to hiring a sky writer, to an innocuous post on a Facebook page that would only mean something to him, anything and he has to tell you. Transparency, taking ownership, willingly being held accountable are all things he must do. A word on transparency, the standard definition here is access to email, phones, ect.... This is an incomplete definition. True transparency is transparency into everything. It includes talking to you, answering your questions, soul searching to find answers to the questions he doesn't know the answer to today, in essence giving you a window into his heart and head - that's true transparency. Email and phones are good, but they're just ways for you to inspect what you expect. Transparency into what he thinks and feels will help you come to understand how and why he got his head up his ass, and also to reestablish some comfort that it won't happen again - if he's truly remorseful. 

I'd love to hear what that letter says and I would love to know what happened. Listen to his actions not his words. Cheaters lie and are very good salesmen. His actions will give you a much better picture of where he really is.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So I went and read your post in the thread you referenced (in the interest of time I didn't read all the replies). 

Please be careful, don't take a deep breath yet and let your guard down. He's a very confused man. While this most recent development is certainly a good sign, treat it with a very healthy dose of skepticism. If reconciliation is still what you want express to him that you're open to it, but that he's got to earn it and prove that he's serious and committed. 

I really hope this goes the way you want. Be careful until he proves to you with actions that he is no longer confused - at all.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi sigma. Thanks for your reply. I have given an update in my other thread.
It's looking good
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Just read your update, that all certainly sounds really good. I think I told you, my OW was something of a bunny boiler to. Don't you or your H be surprised if she doesn't nicely go away because your H wrote her a letter. Mine kept lobbing fishing attempts at me for a year. Just keep an eye peeled and make sure your H knows if she contacts him it's ok as long as he doesn't respond and tells you ASAP. It may come to a point where he has to "tell her off.". If it does that's still contact, so you need to agree on it first. I really hope for both of you it all goes the way you want and that the OW gets the message and goes away. Best of luck to you both. Sig.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Take it slow. It is going to take time for you to trust him again. He may also go through withdrawals from his relationship with her. Get into MC if you can so you both have a safe place to talk things out. I really pray things work out for you. What he has done so far is a very good sign and cause for lots of hope. Understand that it may not seem like it now but you personally will be stronger because of this. If your husband is really a good man he will appreciate this new strength because it will also make your relationship stronger.


----------

