# I don't even know who I am anymore



## Renee44 (Feb 16, 2020)

I dont even know where to start...this has so much more to it than just infidelity. I'll give some background. 

I was married for 10 yrs and had 3 kids with my ex spouse. 

As a single mom, I had a great career, a nice home, car and I was able to make the best of my life as a single mom. Fast forward 7 yrs and i met a man who is now my current husband. We've been together 11 yrs. When I met my husband, he had been sober for 5 yrs. He'd had a drinking problem during his marriage and his wife had left him for a younger man. 

Things have been rocky from the start between his ex wife and I. His ex has always been malicious and created problems. His kids have always gotten by with everything and they were a source of contention for us in the passed. Now that the youngest is 16, not so much anymore. My husband parented from a guilty standpoint. Guilty for being an alcoholic in the passed. My kids, in the other hand, have always been well behaved. Not perfect, but clearly raised to be way more respectful. 

Everything fell apart 4 years ago. 

My husband wanted to work on becoming debt free, which is very admirable but that choice has come at a much bigger cost. Ya see, we sold our home and paid cash for a very dilapidated home, that was in need of extensive repair and remodel. My husband has failed to do the work that he promised to do. Not one room in our home is finished. Believe me, this home should be condemned. 

I found out I was pregnant a year into trying to make this place our home and my husband wanted me to be a stay at home mom. Career gone. I soon found out after becoming pregnant, that my husband had been unfaithful. Not once, but twice. The kicker? It was with his ex wife. 

So here I am...dealing with his affair. Living in a crappy home, no job. And a baby. Let's add to It. Debt. He'd gone behind my back, and gotten credit cards that I knew nothing about. He got bank loans that I knew nothing about. There are now times that we dont have $50 to last between pay dates. 

He spends thousands on his 16 yr old to play sports. He never did anything like this for my kids. He buys his son $200 shoes. My 4 yr old wears clothes from good will. And to make matters worse, he comes home from work and tells at my little boy out of frustration because of the situation we are now drowning in. 

I have threatened divorce and my husband always gives me a guilt trip. I know I can't leave and make it on our own. I can't stand to even look at my husband half of the time. I am not intimate with him. He is NOT the man I married. 

I recently found out that he's been stopping off to have a beer after work at times. I even found some sexually e explicit messages between he and another woman on Facebook. 

I've decided to get a job but I do NOT trust my husband home alone with my son. So I do have a sitter lined up. I have been having a difficult time getting a job because of the last 3 years of not working. 

I dont know if I need to vent. Need advice. Need reassurance. I don't know. All I know is that I'm not happy and I dont think there is any fixing this. I'm just broken.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it's very hard.

Now take a deep breath.

You have more power here than you realize.

You say that you have found some messages between him and some woman on Facebook. Do you know who this woman is? If you have not confronted him about this do not do it yet. I would only lie anyway.

I don't see anyway to savage this marriage since he seems to be the kind of person who makes one bad decision after another. This is not going to change. Do you agree with this?

You need a plan that will lead to you having control in your own life.

This is not a healthy situation in which to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). What sort of work did you do before you quit your job? You need to a job. That's the first step to you getting some control in your life.


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## Renee44 (Feb 16, 2020)

I was a supervising insurance agent for a large company. I have let my licenses lapse and have to start from square one now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Renee44 said:


> I was a supervising insurance agent for a large company. I have let my licenses lapse and have to start from square one now.


Now long does will it take to get your license back?


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## Renee44 (Feb 16, 2020)

I will have to tale the state tests all over again, but that's not the issue. The issue is that I have to pay $500 to take them. 

And to answer your previous question, the facebook messages were between him and who I found to be his highschool sweetheart. He did try lying to me. I had screen shotted the messages so he was caught.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So are you planning on divorcing him or do you want to save your marriage? How is your husband acting? Remorseful?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Renee44 said:


> I will have to tale the state tests all over again, but that's not the issue. The issue is that I have to pay $500 to take them.


Looks like some brain storming is needed here.

What is your relationship like with your extended family? Are there any family member who would lend you the money to do this?

Do you have access to money right now? Or does he control all the money?

Is there anything in your home that you could sell to get any of the money for this?

If you were a supervisor, that experience should be good to get you a job of some type. That's good experience. Then you could use money from that job to pay the fee for that test and license.

At this point, if your husband has built up debt, it might also make sense for you to add $500 to that debt for the test & license. If you told your husband that you want to go back to work, would he be willing to pay it or charge it? Could you get a card for something to charge it to?



Renee44 said:


> And to answer your previous question, the facebook messages were between him and who I found to be his highschool sweetheart. He did try lying to me. I had screen shotted the messages so he was caught.


So he knows that you know. Besides lying, what has been his reaction. Has he changed anything?

How old are your children?


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## Renee44 (Feb 16, 2020)

My husband controls the money. I have sold everything I have that is of value to make ends meet in the last several months. My older kids are 18, 21, 23. Our son, is 3. I have literally applied for 30 jobs in the last 2 weeks and have only gotten interviews for 2 of them. I'm still waiting to hear back. As far as family, I do not have any extended family. Only my kids. My son is away at school. My oldest daughter is married and my middle daughter is engaged, living with her boyfriend. All, out of state. 

My husbands you get son will be 17 in 2 weeks. His mom just filed for full custody ( yes, at this age, it's ridiculous) so all of the extra money we would have had went towards an attorney for my husband. 

He knows I am not happy. I've tried really hard to make things work but it seems as though he's never going to change. He thinks I'm a stick in the mud because I dont want sex. He says he knew I wouldnt stick around, so just leave and he always says I'm trying to take our son away just like his ex has tries to do. It's utterly ridiculous. I don't even cry anymore. I'm just numb. To everything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Renee44 said:


> My husband controls the money. I have sold everything I have that is of value to make ends meet in the last several months. My older kids are 18, 21, 23. Our son, is 3. I have literally applied for 30 jobs in the last 2 weeks and have only gotten interviews for 2 of them. I'm still waiting to hear back. As far as family, I do not have any extended family. Only my kids. My son is away at school. My oldest daughter is married and my middle daughter is engaged, living with her boyfriend. All, out of state.
> 
> My husbands you get son will be 17 in 2 weeks. His mom just filed for full custody ( yes, at this age, it's ridiculous) so all of the extra money we would have had went towards an attorney for my husband.
> 
> He knows I am not happy. I've tried really hard to make things work but it seems as though he's never going to change. He thinks I'm a stick in the mud because I dont want sex. He says he knew I wouldnt stick around, so just leave and he always says I'm trying to take our son away just like his ex has tries to do. It's utterly ridiculous. I don't even cry anymore. I'm just numb. To everything.


I've been in a similar situation. I was married and the sole support while my husband went to medical school. Then when he started his residency he moved to another state. Our then 3.5 year old son started acting out horribly so I ended up quitting my job and moving to live with my husband so our son would not be so traumatized. My ex controlled all the money. He was also abusive (verbally and eventually physically). And I found out he'd been cheating through our entire marriage and was still doing it. It took me a while to get out of the depression that set in and to realize that I had way more power in the situation than I realized. I've been there.

I was eventually able to leave and get some interim spousal support while the divorce was in progress. That helped me get away from him and eventually find a job.

Have you considered filing for divorce and filing for interim spousal support? The two of you might need to file for bankruptcy and let the house go. But it sounds like the house is not worth keeping anyway. Then you would get cash in hand and you could do what you need to do.

One of the things that I really benefited from was to get into counseling. There are programs that provide free counseling. It would help you to have some one to talk to, to help you through this. Of course you can post here and we can help you too and at the very least give you some support.

Sadly it can take a lot to find a job these days even though the economy is good. I truly do not like the online job sites because you have to know how to word your resume to get the software to grade your resume as a good one. Are you aware of how this works?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Renee44 your husband has destroyed one marriage and is working hard on destroying this one.

You need to see a lawyer to protect you and your child.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ugh. Before you met this loser, you were doing *fine*. You had a good job a nice home and things were good for you and your kids.

Then you met this leech and suddenly, you're SELLING your house (I'm betting anything you sold your house to use part of the cash to help HIM get out of some kind of debt) and buying some practically condemned piece of crap that said leech was supposed to fix up. Not surprisingly, he hasn't done jack **** to the place. But I'm willing to bet he was more than happy to get his hands on the money you received from the sale of your home. 

I'm also betting that over the last 11 years, he let YOU do most of the work when his kids spent time at your house. Well after all, Prince Charming was MUCH too busy to do it since he had his wife to romance behind your back and to sneak off to have sex with - and what better time to _*do*_ that than when *you* were stuck watching their kids for them? He's a special kind of disgusting, OP.

Sadly, this guy has dragged you down into the mud WITH him and you've given up all that was *good *in your life before you married this loser and lost it all.

And now, just to add even more insult to injury, he's back to acting like a horse's ass and drinking again.

There just isn't *ONE* positive thing about him. Not even ONE. Why on earth anyone would even try to convince you to stay with someone this low down the food chain boggles my brain.

*Get to a lawyer* and find out how you can extricate yourself from him with as little damage as possible. Every day you stay with this idiot he gets you further and further into debt. He's completely WORTHLESS. What kind of blundering IDIOT pays a layer to fight for custody for a freakin' *17 year old teenage kid*? 

For the love of all that's good and holy, get to a lawyer.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You had it all once before, you can do it again. You have to take a first step, and it sounds like getting your licenses back would be it. Keep your head down and work on your exit plan, he doesnt need to know until he needs to know. What a disgusting example of a man.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Did you leave your last job on good terms? Do you think they would take you back, if not at the same level at a lower level? 

You may be able to get help if you go to the state. They often have programs for displaced homemakers.

Do you have a mortgage on the home?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you know what to do. You made poor decisions with him, so it will take some time to dig out, but if you make a plan and follow it you will eventually recover.

There's light at the end of the tunnel, but only you can walk towards it. You need to pull the albatross off your shoulder and do what you already know how to do, which is live responsibly and self-sufficiently.

You talk about restarting your career and getting some daycare. These are hard changes, but they are your first two steps to freedom. Keep applying to jobs and start saving for your license exam.

Your H is like Typhoid Mary to you. Work to get free of him. He only infects you with his rotten character.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Renee, Renee, Renee
Good god, I wish I had ten minutes with you before you committed to this man. Damn, alcoholism is both a disease and a symptom of an even more extensive disease. In short, you were deceived into believing he was marriagable. You have put yourself into a difficult position. First, approach the insurance authority and see if you can just pay your back licensing fees to get them current. If this is not at all possible, you need to fall back on others. Please, he is just not worth this trouble. New baby and a husband whose grasp on reality is not quite what it should be, PLUS, his intense guilt over his bio kids witnessing his alcoholism leads to an untenable situation. I suggest that you find family that can take you and the baby in. Then, do whatever is necessary to get licensed, and get back to work. Find a good divorce attorney and extricate yourself from this financial dogs breakfast. You NEED not to be in this position. Get you and the baby out and do not look back. Get your hands on a good attorney and get going.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Taxman's recommendation that you try to get your license back by going to the insurance authority is certainly worth a try and will probably work. If not, you are not sunk yet. While you obviously can't afford an attorney right now, you know you are capable and able to get back on your own two feet, so you will be able to afford an attorney in the future.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is your name on the deed to the house? If he used the house as collateral for the loans and you didn't sign, then you may have legal recourse to not be responsible for the debt. An attorney will be able to advise you. 

He has his nerve trying to guilt you into staying. Don't fall for it. Your responsibility is to your young son and yourself because your husband (term used derisively) certainly isn't willing to take care of you.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> He has his nerve trying to guilt you into staying. Don't fall for it. Your responsibility is to your young son and yourself because your husband (term used derisively) certainly isn't willing to take care of you.


Actually it amazes me the ability to manipulate that goes hand in hand with addiction. Worked with one coke head who took a multi-million dollar practice in LA and snorted it all. Him and the boss used to work together, and the boss must have felt charitable. Boss asked me to keep an eye on him. Easy job. 9:05 am first day, I hear the snort from the desk next to mine. Walked into the boss' office and made my report. Idiot still had residue on his nose. Managed to get the hardest assed auditor on the face of this planet to give him a second chance. How? Still do not know. Other time, a client's coked out husband showed up to a meeting unannounced. We were dealing with an audit of the company she owned and he was convinced that she was there for our divorce support services. This time, my partner finished the meeting with the wife, while I walked this guy through our building. Keep em talking and walking until they come down. This dude manipulated his ex into staying, and pretty much paying for his habit. Eventually he was arrested. He demanded that she supply him with an attorney. My firm put in a call for a criminal mouthpiece using our regular channels. Quickly discovered the police had him dead to rights on an assault beef, and even better, with a sex worker. Reports that the wife had to see before committing funds to his defence. Went over like a pork chop at a Bar Mitzvah. She certainly did engage a lawyer, and he was served the D papers while in jail.


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