# So Confused! Husband making promises...



## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

I am sooooo confused!

My husband and I have decided that he will leave the house, for now. I just can't think with him there all the time...he's making promises, and I'm afraid I will fall for them.

H started seeing his own therapist last week, that seems to be going well. He apologizes all the time for acting like a 4 yr old when he wants my attention.

He apologizes for not thinking about how something will make me feel, for treating our oldest so mean, for everything...

He promises to get us home by the holidays.

I asked him if he understands that this is not just about the night he left for over 3 hrs with no phone call.

This is about the yrs of heartache and unhappiness...he says yes and he's so sorry.

He tells me he loves me and he can be the man I need him to be if "I just give him a chance".

He's always trying to hug me and stroking my hair.

But I am hurt and I am lost...and so confused!

Am I a fool if I give into the promises, and give him the chance to break my heart again OR am I fool if walk away and never take that chance?

Thanks so much in advance for all your words of wisdom!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Is this the first time he has said he was sorry and actually made an effort to get some help? If not, then yes, I can understand your concern, because after awhile I'm sure it gets old to have someone tell you they will stop this and that, and never do it. 

If he has done this before only to return to his ways, then you will at some point need to see what you feel is best for you, and decide what is actually false hope.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

OhioGirl, in your 25 posts, you describe a man who is exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD traits (i.e., Borderline Personality Disorder traits). Specifically, you say he is emotionally unstable, verbally abusive, lacks impulse control, cannot regulate his emotions, is incapable of trusting you, refuses to take responsibility for his own mistakes, has low self esteem, throws temper tantrums which are triggered in 10 seconds, does black-white thinking, and is very controlling. Significantly, you are describing nearly all of the traits in a classic pattern of behavioral traits called BPD, which my exW suffers from.

Whether his BPD traits are so strong as to meet the diagnostic criteria for "having full blown BPD" is a determination that only a professional can make. This is not to say, however, that you cannot spot the red flags in a person having strong BPD traits. Before you left high school, you could spot strong selfishness and grandiosity without being able to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could spot the class drama queen without diagnosing Histrionic PD. And you could identify the very shy students without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot all nine of the BPD traits when a strong pattern of them occurs -- if you take a little time to read about them. With that objective in mind, I respond below to a number of statements you have made here and in your other threads.


> He apologizes all the time for acting like a 4 yr old when he wants my attention.


Strong BPD traits are believed to be caused by a combination of heredity and environmental factors. The damage typically is done by age 3 or 4, causing the emotional development to be stuck at the age of a four year old. This means that the BPDer (i.e., person with strong BPD traits) has not learned the more mature emotional defenses (e.g., how to calm and sooth himself and regulate his own emotions). 

Hence, unless he later goes through several years of therapy, the only defenses he has to rely on are the primitive emotional defenses that are available to a young child. These include, e.g., projection (i.e., blaming others), denial, magical thinking, black-white thinking (i.e., splitting), and controlling behavior (e.g., temper tantrums). 

He has been able to act like a four year old for 20 years only because you have allowed it. That is, you've been walking on eggshells for that long to avoid triggering his tantrums. This is why the best selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses like you) is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells."


> I get physical pain when I see the look that is on my baby's face when his father says something mean...


Extreme meanness is a hallmark of strong BPD traits. It's not that a BPDer is an evil person. Rather, it is because his perceptions of other people's intentions are distorted by his intense feelings, which he gets frequently because he has little ability to regulate his emotions. This problem is compounded by his all-or-nothing thinking, wherein he classifies everyone (including himself) as "all good" or "all bad." 

The result is that, based on some minor thing your son does or says, your H can reclassify him in 10 seconds. This is why a BPDer can be adoring you for several days and, then in 10 seconds, flip to devaluing and hating you. You are suddenly perceived to be Hitler and you are treated accordingly. Fortunately, the temper tantrums typically last only about five hours.


> There are a lot of things that my husband has said or done over the years that I am just beginning to realize were emotionally abusive.


Ironically, a high functioning BPDer (as your H appears to be) usually is abusive only to the loved ones. That side of him will rarely be seen by business associates, casual friends, or complete strangers. Indeed, many BPDers show great compassion and generosity to strangers all day long and then go home to abuse their loved ones. The reason is that the casual friends and strangers pose no threat to the BPDers' two great fears: engulfment and abandonment. Simply stated, there is no intimacy to engulf him and no close relationship to be abandoned. Heaven help these folks, however, if they ever draw close to him and try to love him. This is why your H likely has no close friends who have been with him a long time (unless they live a long distance away).


> He has been sure for all of our daughters 18 yr life that she is not his, but has never wanted to get a paternity test.


This sort of bizzare behavior -- which defies any attempt at logical thinking -- occurs frequently with BPDers. There are several reasons, as I understand it. I will mention the two primary reasons. One is that BPDers never learned in childhood how to intellectually challenge the validity of an intense feeling. Because the rest of us did learn that, we know we cannot trust our intense feelings. Hence, when we get very angry, we keep our mouths shut (and our fingers off the keys) until we have time to cool down. 

In contrast, BPDers tend to accept their intense feelings as "reality" and "facts." Because they are convinced the feeling must reflect reality, they produce the most convoluted, outrageous rationals to support that unfounded belief. With my exW, I often marveled that an adult human being was capable of speaking such rationalizations while keeping a straight face.

The other reason is that, whenever a BPDer is angry, he often defends himself by splitting, i.e., by turning his conscious mind over to the control of his intuitive inner child -- while splitting off any connection to the logical adult part of his mind. Hence, when you are trying to reason with him, he essentially turns off his logical mind and forces you to deal with his intutive child, who is driven by emotions. 

Waiting for him to cool down does not help because, as soon as you bring up a sensitive issue again, his anger will be triggered in 10 seconds. This means that all sensitive issues -- when he is dealing with loved ones -- are handled by the angry child. You therefore can reason far better with your 13 year old son, who likely is 9 years more emotionally developed than your H. With strangers, however, you H's anger is unlikely to be triggered, as discussed above. So he likely is very capable of discussing things intelligently with business associates and strangers.


> He is constantly talking of new jobs near our family ... but there is always a reason for us not to go.


Perhaps he has good reasons. I note, however, that BPDers have such a strong fear of abandonment it is common for them to try to isolate you from all your friends and family so as to control you. They want to prevent you from leaving them. And they know they can control you more easily if you don't have strong support from family who might say "That is the most ridiculous explanation I've ever heard in my life."


> he will turn off a movie if we start it.


Like I said, a BPDer is extremely controlling. One reason is the fear of abandonment. Another is that reality seemed so totally out of control when they were kids. A third is that he likely is incapable of trusting you for more than a few days, if that long. Because he never learned how to love or trust himself, he is unable to trust you. Sadly, this means -- and I learned this the hard way -- you can never really trust him because he can turn on you at any time.


> We saw a marriage counselor for about 6 months.


If your H has strong BPD traits, he has a thought disorder that has been firmly entrenched (along with tremendous anger) since early childhood. MCs generally are not trained to identify such PDs, much less treat them. IME, the two MCs I took my exW to were a total waste of time. I also took her to weekly visits with six different psychologists for 15 years. Cost a small fortune. All to no avail. It is rare for a BPDer to have the ego strength and self awareness to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Even when they stay in therapy -- as my exW did -- it is useless unless they are strongly committed to getting better. Sadly, forcing them to attend therapy (as a condition of your remaining in the marriage) is unlikely to make such a commitment occur.



> H started seeing his own therapist last week, that seems to be going well.


How would you ever know? Because a BPDer is unstable, he will appear to get better during the good times and then relapse. Moreover, if he has BPD, it is unlikely (IME) that the therapist will ever tell him, much less tell you. One reason is that high functioning BPDers typically immediately terminate therapy on hearing that dreaded diagnosis. Another is that insurance usually refuse to cover BPD treatments, claiming (falsely) that it is untreatable. This is why therapists often will list the diagnosis, instead, as a related condition such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, or PTSD. A third reason is the fear that having "BPD" on a formal record may adversely affect future employment.


> He is a hypochondriac.


From what I've read, this appears to be quite common for BPDers because they hate themselves, they think of themselves as perpetual victims, and they often use the imagined hurts as a way of controlling you or getting more personal attention. My exW was the same way, claiming she has fibromyalgia and a host of other ailments. Her two sisters also have BPD and the same list of body aches and pains.


> My husband's "tantrums" are centered around our oldest child...who is 20 and in his second yr. in college.


BPDers often have more trouble dealing with children when they get older and thus more difficult to control. Moreover, a BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment, which gets closer and closer as the child nears the age of leaving home. Because the fear is so painful, a BPDer often will preemptively abandon that other person to avoid it being done to him. It therefore is not surprising that your H is directing most of his anger (i.e., his HURT) toward the oldest child.



> I wonder if I am just focusing on the bad things and not thinking of the good.


No, the reverse has been true. For twenty years. Otherwise, you would never have stayed with him. Like me, you are a caregiver who grew up too quickly, becoming the "fixer" in your dysfunctional family. You therefore have been willing to ignore all the abusive things done to you in order to help fix your H. This means that it is a good thing you are starting to think about caring for yourself -- and for your youngest son who is being bullied by his own dad.

OhioGirl, if this discussion of BPD traits sounds familiar, I suggest you read my several posts about these traits in GTRR's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. If that discussion also rings a bell, I would be glad to try and answer any questions you have and to suggest good online articles written by professionals. Take care, Caregiver.


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