# How can I win her back?



## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

I got divorced a few months ago after 10 years of marriage. We started out dating when I just got out of high school and she was still in high school. Marriage from a young age really took its toll on us and we got a divorce that we both had a hand in causing. The minute we separated I realized just how much she meant to me though and I've spent every minute since then trying to win her back. She tells me that my desperation has pushed her away more than helped. 

I asked her two days ago on the phone if I'll ever get a second chance to make it right and she told me she doesn't know. She said she is not wanting to work on it right now but she isn't sure she won't in a few months or years. She is in a relationship at the moment but she said she would never marry the guy and that she doesn't see it being long-term. She said that he makes her feel wanted though which is something that I didn't do and she likes having him around. She said being with me right now would be permanent and she doesn't want permanent at the moment. 

Basically, she says it's how I make her feel that turns her against me. Every time we talk it's me questioning her about him, about me, about the future, and it annoys her. She said she views me as pure frustration now and that probably has a lot to do with how irritated she is when she talks to me. She said she fears if we got back together things would go back to arguing and stuff. I need to show her her feelings matter and stop acting so obsessive basically. 

The problem is since we met I've only been her boyfriend or husband. I don't know how to talk to her without it being about that kind of stuff. I have to basically build a new relationship with her and win her back that way and I don't know where to start. I need some help on how to handle this. I'm not asking anyone to speak for me but basically point me in a good direction to start. Some people are telling me to act like I don't care and walk away but won't that make me look selfish? I couldn't get her to do what I wanted her to do so I gave up on her? 

The problems in our marriage started when I stopped taking care of myself. I was muscular, lean, and attractive when we got married and difficult work schedules caused me to gain about 100 pounds or so, stop working out, stop tanning, and basically let myself go downhill. I think she first lost sexual attraction to me and then she lost emotional attraction to me when I started letting my lack of self-esteem change me. This leads me to go back to the beginning on where it all went wrong and fix my appearance; therefore fixing my confidence and transforming me from a insecure person to the confident, solid man I used to be. I've dropped 40 pounds so far and have about 40-50 to go. I have been eating right, taking better care of myself and stuff, but these types of changes can take a long time. 

What do I do in the meantime? Disappear? Keep conversations short and about the kids only? 

Help?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> I got divorced a few months ago after 10 years of marriage. We started out dating when I just got out of high school and she was still in high school. Marriage from a young age really took its toll on us and we got a divorce that we both had a hand in causing. The minute we separated I realized just how much she meant to me though and I've spent every minute since then trying to win her back. She tells me that my desperation has pushed her away more than helped.
> 
> I asked her two days ago on the phone if I'll ever get a second chance to make it right and she told me she doesn't know. She said she is not wanting to work on it right now but she isn't sure she won't in a few months or years. She is in a relationship at the moment but she said she would never marry the guy and that she doesn't see it being long-term. She said that he makes her feel wanted though which is something that I didn't do and she likes having him around. She said being with me right now would be permanent and she doesn't want permanent at the moment.
> 
> ...


Well maybe she lost sexual attraction due to your looks. Most women lose it for other things. Like not being able to take care of business. It's not attractive to make your spouse call the plumber and such. Or Leave your spouse to do all the kids school work because 'she's good at it' while you also don't do clothes shopping or dishes and such.

Not saying you did that. I'm more asking when you look back in the marriage and the fighting. What did you fight about? what did she actually tell you. Many times spouses tell you what's wrong but we don't hear them, often times the eventually stop telling us.

So did she tell you, you need to lose weight? Or did she tell you she didn't feel like being sexy when you don't woo her or date her or have non-sexual contact and such.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Motivated said:


> Every time we talk it's me questioning her about him, about me, about the future, and it annoys her.


I think you need to stop discussing ^^this^^ for now. Since you are divorced, your wife can see whoever she wishes. It's none of your business. Maybe your ex doesn't want a future with you. In time, she may change her mind. But hounding her about it is one sure fire way to alienate her. 

Focus on yourself and continue working on improving your overall health. Have you considered speaking with a counselor?


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well maybe she lost sexual attraction due to your looks. Most women lose it for other things. Like not being able to take care of business. It's not attractive to make your spouse call the plumber and such. Or Leave your spouse to do all the kids school work because 'she's good at it' while you also don't do clothes shopping or dishes and such.
> 
> Not saying you did that. I'm more asking when you look back in the marriage and the fighting. What did you fight about? what did she actually tell you. Many times spouses tell you what's wrong but we don't hear them, often times the eventually stop telling us.
> 
> So did she tell you, you need to lose weight? Or did she tell you she didn't feel like being sexy when you don't woo her or date her or have non-sexual contact and such.


What you described earlier is the guy she's with right now. She bought a new car recently and had to have me put her tags on for her because she didn't want to ask him. I'm actually pretty handy around the house, so no it wasn't that. I have a really good job also so it's nothing financial. The guy she's with now has a low income and I think that's why she's saying she wouldn't marry him. I think their relationship is all physical to her. 

The fighting varied from different things. A lot of it was because her family hated me from the minute she moved in with me because it made her less dependent on them and they were always starting some form of drama and admittedly instead of ignoring it I often let it get to me. Some of the arguing was that she didn't really do much around the house and she only worked part-time so I always begged her to help me clean and stuff. 

I did wash dishes, a lot actually. I also worked long hours. My weight gain caused me to get severe sleep apnea so the first out was making me leave the bedroom. I know some people don't understand that but believe it was pretty terrible. It got to the point where I was sleeping on my knees bent over the couch. I couldn't stay awake during a movie or drive long distances without falling asleep. These things would make her really annoyed. 

She did tell me that I needed to lose weight and I did try at some points but depression and aggravation made me eat and drink a lot of soda since I didn't smoke or drink alcohol. I used it as a way to deal with stress I guess.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> I think you need to stop discussing ^^this^^ for now. Since you are divorced, your wife can see whoever she wishes. It's none of your business. Maybe your ex doesn't want a future with you. In time, she may change her mind. But hounding her about it is one sure fire way to alienate her.
> 
> Focus on yourself and continue working on improving your overall health. Have you considered speaking with a counselor?


I wouldn't have time to speak with a counselor. I wake up at 3:30 in the morning for work and get home around 7 in the evenings. I do my workouts in the evenings and then I'm in the bed. I do realize that discussing these things with her pushes her away but I'm afraid that she's going to end up marrying him and he's going to get the version of her that I always begged for her to give me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Motivated said:


> I'm afraid that she's going to end up marrying him and he's going to get the version of her that I always begged for her to give me.


Her life Her choice.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

She promised our son (who despises him) that she wouldn't marry him or be with him long-term. But she said no one was going to force her to break up with him until she's ready to do it on her own (not even our kids). I'm not sure why you'd continue being in a relationship in your 30's that you saw going nowhere and further exposing your kids to someone that you knew would soon be on their way out the door?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You can’t win her back, and you need to get that out of your head. It will not help you.

She’s done with you. She lost respect and attraction for you and now she’s done. And she’s moved on and she’s ****ing another man.

You need to work on you. Your sole focus now needs to be doing the work to become a better, stronger, more attractive man – for you.

Once you’ve built yourself up into a stronger, confident, more attractive man - you’ll have a lot more options and you’ll be far less interested in chasing after her new boyfriend‘s second hand leftovers.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> You can’t win her back, and you need to get that out of your head. It will not help you.
> 
> She’s done with you. She lost respect and attraction for you and now she’s done. And she’s moved on and she’s ****ing another man.
> 
> ...


I know I'd never win her back right now the way I am. I'm asking once I do what is in the bold there, will she change her mind then?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Motivated said:


> I'm asking once I do what is in the bold there, will she change her mind then?


How would we know? You lived with her. What's your best guess?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So look .... the ladies are doing a good job but I’m going to give it to you as a man.
She told you your desperation drives her away but you continue to be desperate.
She told you she isn’t interested in working on it but you ask her when 
She told you she likes having the other guy around. 
You got fat on her
She is no longer your wife. 

Dude straight up she is never going to be love with you again however the thought of you probably wants to make her puke in her mouth a little.

You REALLY REALLY REALLY need to leave her alone and get your own life because she already has.

Get yourself back in shape mentally and physically then go find yourself another girl.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> So look .... the ladies are doing a good job but I’m going to give it to you as a man.
> She told you your desperation drives her away but you continue to be desperate.
> She told you she isn’t interested in working on it but you ask her when
> She told you she likes having the other guy around.
> ...


She said she doesn't want to work things out "right now" and part of that is because the issues that caused the divorce have all not been fixed yet. She also told me a future between her and I is 50/50. She said she has not eliminated getting back with me from her thought process. She said she likes having the other guy around basically because he's a pushover. That's literally what she told me. 

The previous post said "you lived with her all those years, what do you think?" And that's kind of why I'm reluctant to let go. She changes her mind *a lot. *She goes through phases.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> What you described earlier is the guy she's with right now. She bought a new car recently and had to have me put her tags on for her because she didn't want to ask him. I'm actually pretty handy around the house, so no it wasn't that. I have a really good job also so it's nothing financial. The guy she's with now has a low income and I think that's why she's saying she wouldn't marry him. I think their relationship is all physical to her.
> 
> The fighting varied from different things. A lot of it was because her family hated me from the minute she moved in with me because it made her less dependent on them and they were always starting some form of drama and admittedly instead of ignoring it I often let it get to me. Some of the arguing was that she didn't really do much around the house and she only worked part-time so I always begged her to help me clean and stuff.
> 
> ...


So you know sleep apnea is completely workable with a CPAP machine.

I completely understand sleep apnea. My husband had it and it made him snore so loud I couldn't sleep in the same room. When he didn't use his machine I slept in a separate bedroom. But the got his machine and uses it. Yes losing weight will also help with sleep apnea.

So sounds like she wasn't pulling her weight. That's on her. Did you give up being the boyfriend, husband? Did you date her, take her out, say sweet things. Give her a little shoulder rub while passing?

Did you two have sex? Did it make it in the arguments?


And if she was so bad before why would you want her back? What are her good traits?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> She said she doesn't want to work things out "right now" and part of that is because the issues that caused the divorce have all not been fixed yet. She also told me a future between her and I is 50/50. She said she has not eliminated getting back with me from her thought process. She said she likes having the other guy around basically because he's a pushover. That's literally what she told me.
> 
> The previous post said "you lived with her all those years, what do you think?" And that's kind of why I'm reluctant to let go. She changes her mind *a lot. *She goes through phases.


So you’re allowing her to be in control of your life and relationship together? 
She gets to have the freedom to walk out on you, tear your family apart and go **** other men? And then MAYBE be willing to give you another chance after she’s had her fill of giving herself to other men? 
While you wait like a panting little puppy, hoping mommy will let you back into the house?

This kind of mindset comes across crystal clear to her, which is a large part of why she’s disgusted by you.

Why the hell would you ever be OK with that?

You clearly have not even recognized yet how weak, dependent/desperate and subservient you are. Nothing will change for you until you change your mindset.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Motivated said:


> She said she doesn't want to work things out "right now" and part of that is because the issues that caused the divorce have all not been fixed yet. She also told me a future between her and I is 50/50.


That’s girl speak for “How can I get him to go away without pissing him off?”

You really need to back down.... like way down..... like stop talking to her.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> She said she doesn't want to work things out "right now" and part of that is because the issues that caused the divorce have all not been fixed yet. She also told me a future between her and I is 50/50. She said she has not eliminated getting back with me from her thought process. She said she likes having the other guy around basically because he's a pushover. That's literally what she told me.
> 
> The previous post said "you lived with her all those years, what do you think?" And that's kind of why I'm reluctant to let go. She changes her mind *a lot. *She goes through phases.


Ok so what are the issues she says caused the divorce? While fixing those might not be the whole list or even a good idea let's start with what she actually told you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so what are the issues she says caused the divorce? While fixing those might not be the whole list or even a good idea let's start with what she actually told you.


A good idea for when he gets his NEXT girlfriend.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you know sleep apnea is completely workable with a CPAP machine.
> 
> I completely understand sleep apnea. My husband had it and it made him snore so loud I couldn't sleep in the same room. When he didn't use his machine I slept in a separate bedroom. But the got his machine and uses it. Yes losing weight will also help with sleep apnea.


I couldn't tolerate CPAP. My pressure setting had to be set at 18L and that's extremely uncomfortable. 



> So sounds like she wasn't pulling her weight. That's on her. Did you give up being the boyfriend, husband? Did you date her, take her out, say sweet things. Give her a little shoulder rub while passing?


She wasn't pulling her weight and honestly it made me bitter so I wasn't easy to be around. We just spent too much time together. For years, she wouldn't let me leave the room without her being with me. That kind of thing wasn't healthy and it showed later on. 



> Did you two have sex? Did it make it in the arguments?


There the last year or so I couldn't get into it. I got into weird fetiches that she didn't like and it was hard for me to stay into it. I think that's a lot of what she likes about this guy. It's new with him and he has no trouble staying motivated. 

A lot of why I couldn't get into it also is because I felt like I was unworthy of her. She's a very attractive girl. She looks like a barbie doll - blonde hair, blue eyes, real tan, nice body. I started out a dark skinned, dark haired, green eyed, muscular tan guy that she was very into it and then I let myself get 100 pounds overweight, pale, quit fixing my hair the way she liked, grew out an uneven terrible looking beard, etc. I wasn't into me so I couldn't get her into me. 

Part of me feels like she knows I'm better for her than him. I'm more financially stable, more handy around the house, more mature, I'm the kids father, she's more comfortable around me, etc. so if I could be that man again she will start to come around. She's already told me she often finds herself second guessing him. 



> And if she was so bad before why would you want her back? What are her good traits?


When things were good before, she was amazing. She has the same religious and political views that I do, same music taste, loves the same areas and vehicles, loves horror movies, she can be funny at times, we went through terrible struggles together, she makes me a stronger person. She loves working out and tanning and that's something that I actually got her into. I'm also a certified trainer, which is what I did when her and I first got together, but I turned to another field to make more money and lost myself.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so what are the issues she says caused the divorce? While fixing those might not be the whole list or even a good idea let's start with what she actually told you.


She said she didn't feel like she mattered. She said she felt like I put all emphasis on spoiling her financially but ignored her feelings. The issue is most of what she complained about was money so naturally I just decided to work more. She said sleep apnea and weight gain was making me unattractive and how I stopped taking care of myself. She said there was tension between us and we argued too much. I can see where things went wrong and I know they can be fixed, but she said how she feels around me would have to change first.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> So you’re allowing her to be in control of your life and relationship together?
> She gets to have the freedom to walk out on you, tear your family apart and go **** other men? And then MAYBE be willing to give you another chance after she’s had her fill of giving herself to other men?
> While you wait like a panting little puppy, hoping mommy will let you back into the house?
> 
> ...


I guess now is the part where I tell a little more details. She cheated on me with this guy right before the divorce and was letting him stay at my house for days at a time while we were separated. She even forced the kids to lie to me about it. She swore to me she had ended it right before the divorce and then a week or two after she comes out on facebook dating him and posting pictures of him with my kids (my kids don't like him either). 

Just asked her this morning again if she's sure she's going to break things off and she said "it probably won't be soon. I don't know exactly when, but I'm certain I won't marry him or be with him for years or anything". Kind of makes me think that's all a physical thing.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> I felt like I was unworthy of her.


Women always want to date up, marry up, **** up, etc. 
No woman is ever attracted to, in love with, respects, or will remain loyal to a man who she sees as beneath her. And if you felt it, she felt it from you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Motivated said:


> I wouldn't have time to speak with a counselor. I wake up at 3:30 in the morning for work and get home around 7 in the evenings. I do my workouts in the evenings and then I'm in the bed. I do realize that discussing these things with her pushes her away but I'm afraid that she's going to end up marrying him and he's going to get the version of her that I always begged for her to give me.


How do you manage with caring for the children with hours like that?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

All of your actions are just pushing her further away from you and yet you want to get back with her.

I find that perplexing, because if you did want to get back with her, you would change what you are doing.

Being needy won't do it.

You can't "nice" her back to you.

You're missing the forest for the tree right in front of your face.

When you met her and the two of you began dating and then got married, you were on top of your game. You were attractive to her and I'm not just talking about looks right now mind you, though that is a part of it.

You need to make yourself attractive to her again and I mean in more ways than just looks.

You need to be the best man you can be, across the board and then let the chips fall where they may.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Motivated said:


> I guess now is the part where I tell a little more details. She cheated on me with this guy right before the divorce and was letting him stay at my house for days at a time while we were separated. She even forced the kids to lie to me about it. She swore to me she had ended it right before the divorce and then a week or two after she comes out on facebook dating him and posting pictures of him with my kids (my kids don't like him either).
> 
> Just asked her this morning again if she's sure she's going to break things off and she said "it probably won't be soon. I don't know exactly when, but I'm certain I won't marry him or be with him for years or anything". Kind of makes me think that's all a physical thing.


I would just move on. Communicate about the children only. I doubt she wants to get back with you but she seems to want to keep you on a string just in case.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> How do you manage with caring for the children with hours like that?


I get them mostly on weekends, which is when I'm off. I get them on Thursday evenings and get to spend Friday evenings, Saturday and Sunday with them unless I have to work that Saturday.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> All of your actions are just pushing her further away from you and yet you want to get back with her.
> 
> I find that perplexing, because if you did want to get back with her, you would change what you are doing.
> 
> ...


This is what I'm trying to say. How do I do it though? I'm not sure where to start. I mean obviously you start by losing weight, eating healthier, maintaining good hygiene, wear proper fitting clothes, maintain good financial capability. What I want to know though is - where do I start as far as communication? Do I stop talking to her unless she contacts me first? If she does contact me, do I make it short and get off the phone or not reply?


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> I would just move on. Communicate about the children only. I doubt she wants to get back with you but she seems to want to keep you on a string just in case.


She doesn't want to get back with the person I am now. She wants to keep me on a string because time and time again she has seen be bounce back from things she didn't think I would be able to bounce back from. She's afraid I may actually make the changes she doesn't think I can make.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, so you made mistakes. But your wife cheated. No matter what problems occurred during the marriage, having sex with someone else is certainly not the answer.

So you want back a woman who lacked the character and integrity to end the marriage before boinking some other guy. Why?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> I guess now is the part where I tell a little more details. *She cheated on me with this guy r*ight before the divorce and was letting him stay at my house for days at a time while we were separated. She even forced the kids to lie to me about it. She swore to me she had ended it right before the divorce and then a week or two after she comes out on facebook dating him and posting pictures of him with my kids (my kids don't like him either).
> 
> Just asked her this morning again if she's sure she's going to break things off and she said "it probably won't be soon. I don't know exactly when, but I'm certain I won't marry him or be with him for years or anything". Kind of makes me think that's all a physical thing.


We already knew that (or at least strongly suspected).

and you still don’t seem to be getting the point.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> Okay, so you made mistakes. But your wife cheated. No matter what problems occurred during the marriage, having sex with someone else is certainly not the answer.
> 
> So you want back a woman who lacked the character and integrity to end the marriage before boinking some other guy. Why?


I don't know anything for certain. She admitted to went to his apartment and hung out with him a few times while I was at work, but she claims nothing happened sexually until after she told me she wanted a divorce and I moved out of the house. Now, we had not filed for the divorce yet as she told me at first she needed time to think on it. But while she was thinking on it, I know he was coming to the house and staying over.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Motivated said:


> This is what I'm trying to say. How do I do it though? I'm not sure where to start. I mean obviously you start by losing weight, eating healthier, maintaining good hygiene, wear proper fitting clothes, maintain good financial capability. What I want to know though is - where do I start as far as communication? Do I stop talking to her unless she contacts me first? If she does contact me, do I make it short and get off the phone or not reply?


Worry less about your looks. I can't answer exactly, but you KNOW the the type of man you were when you were courting her and when you married her.

Is the way you're acting now the way you acted towards her then?

Were you needy, basically pleading and begging her to date you? I can't imagine you were or she wouldn't have dated or married you.

She needs to see that you're a "strong" man and I'm not talking about muscles. 

You need to take care of your **** as the saying goes, do what needs to be done.

Don't call her out on things that you shouldn't, but if she does give you something to call her out on, do it. You don't need to yell or be mean, but don't grovel and take crap from her because you're worried she won't take you back.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Ok, the last post says it all. Have some self respect, cut your hours back, work out more, see a therapist, start dating other women with a new and improved you. Oh and...STOP TALKING TO HER!!! Go no contact ASAP.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> I guess now is the part where I tell a little more details. She cheated on me with this guy right before the divorce and was letting him stay at my house for days at a time while we were separated. She even forced the kids to lie to me about it. She swore to me she had ended it right before the divorce and then a week or two after she comes out on facebook dating him and posting pictures of him with my kids (my kids don't like him either).
> 
> Just asked her this morning again if she's sure she's going to break things off and she said "it probably won't be soon. I don't know exactly when, but I'm certain I won't marry him or be with him for years or anything". Kind of makes me think that's all a physical thing.


Ok so let me give you a little hard love.

You didn't listen to her. Her main complaints where you didn't connect with her emotionally and she didn't feel like she mattered to you. That is huge for a woman. Then to top it off you made her feel unattractive and unwanted cause you couldn't get into sex with her without fetishes. (I'm going to assume you watch porn)

You can blame it all on the weight gain but weight isn't going to fix it.

IMPORTANT. She's a cheater. And her character and lack of work ethic won't change no matter how fit you are.

LASTLY: she is just trying not to fight with you. She likes the guy because he make her FEEL things. See it doesn't matter that he's lacking in your eyes. She's being treated like she really matters. My niece is with the biggest loser on the planet. She works, takes care of the kids and get stuck with all the house work. But she still loves him because he make her feel special. 

FOR YOU: you do need to sit down and think more about how you made her feel and how you could have interacted differently. Like the chores how did you discuss them. The sex was it one sided. Quit the porn. Then use this introspection on the next woman. This one is most likely done. Even if she wants back, DON"T take a cheater back. Really it's a character flaw that won't change and you'll just be back her in 3 years and you can't believe she did it again.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> She doesn't want to get back with the person I am now. She wants to keep me on a string because time and time again she has seen be bounce back from things she didn't think I would be able to bounce back from. She's afraid I may actually make the changes she doesn't think I can make.


And if you allow yourself to be kept on a string like a pathetic puppy waiting in the wings, she will only be more disgusted by you. 
Because no woman respects or wants a man who would allow himself to be put in that position or tolerate that situation


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Benbutton said:


> Ok, the last post says it all. Have some self respect, cut your hours back, work out more, see a therapist, start dating other women with a new and improved you. Oh and...STOP TALKING TO HER!!! Go no contact ASAP.


That's hard because they have a son. But he can scale way back and only talk about the kids and their needs.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> I don't know anything for certain. She admitted to went to his apartment and hung out with him a few times while I was at work, but she claims nothing happened sexually until after she told me she wanted a divorce and I moved out of the house. Now, we had not filed for the divorce yet as she told me at first she needed time to think on it. But while she was thinking on it, I know he was coming to the house and staying over.


Now you’re just being a willing idiot If you believe any of that


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Motivated said:


> I guess now is the part where I tell a little more details. She cheated on me with this guy right before the divorce and was letting him stay at my house for days at a time while we were separated. She even forced the kids to lie to me about it. She swore to me she had ended it right before the divorce and then a week or two after she comes out on facebook dating him and posting pictures of him with my kids (my kids don't like him either).
> 
> Just asked her this morning again if she's sure she's going to break things off and she said "it probably won't be soon. I don't know exactly when, but I'm certain I won't marry him or be with him for years or anything". Kind of makes me think that's all a physical thing.


It's over. You shouldn't even want a cheater back. Ironically that's one reason she'll never take you back. Now if she gets in a bind, she'll gladly use you, but she'll never respect you. Ever!

You are your own worst enemy. Stop talking to her unless it's absolutely necessary for the kids, when the conversation starts to drift, cut it off. Keep working on yourself and give up any fantasy you have of her wanting you back. 

Here's the standard list of books to check out, probably find audio versions on youtube if you are too cheap to buy.

The Unplugged Alpha
The Rational Male, books 1 and 2
No More Mr Nice Guy


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The only thing I see in your future is a restraining order.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Benbutton said:


> Ok, the last post says it all. Have some self respect, cut your hours back, work out more, see a therapist, start dating other women with a new and improved you. Oh and...STOP TALKING TO HER!!! Go no contact ASAP.


I can't cut hours back, but most of my hours are the drive to and from work. I live two hours from my job. One of my next big moves is actually moving closer though.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> The only thing I see in your future is a restraining order.


I hope you're never in this situation and someone pokes a completely unnecessary and useless jab at you. My biggest flaw was letting myself love someone who I failed to see for who they really were.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Motivated said:


> I can't cut hours back, but most of my hours are the drive to and from work. I live two hours from my job. One of my next big moves is actually moving closer though.


That's 4hrs a day you can devote to changing your mindset. No more music on the commute, podcasts and audiobooks only.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Someone suggested no contact... I have tried this and it always ends with her making a fake number to call me from or emailing me from some new email asking me to talk to her. She tells me her bad feelings calm down when I'm away and she starts to miss me. 

I know you guys say she will never want me back and that may be the case, but I have been very very very good to her especially since we separated. I've made sacrifices that I know this guy will never make for her. There's no way in the world she won't miss that once it's gone. I think the problem here lies solely in the fact that she has not yet found out what it's really like to lose me just yet.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Motivated said:


> I hope you're never in this situation and someone pokes a completely unnecessary and useless jab at you. My biggest flaw was letting myself love someone who I failed to see for who they really were.


Your biggest mistake will be not learning from your mistakes. You didn’t deserve to be cheated on. You need to pick yourself up off the floor and chin up. I’m not going to go into it all but let’s say that the things you are doing is the worst possible path to get what you want. You would do yourself a huge favor to put this girl behind you and take some time to learn about human sexual behavior and attractive traits. The more you work on yourself the more everything else will take care of itself.

I know I’ve already said it but it needs to be clear..... being desperate makes women vomit.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Motivated said:


> I've made sacrifices that I know this guy will never make for her.


NONE of that matters. You can't build equity in a relationship the way you can in a house. 

Also, if she gave a damn about losing you she wouldn't have cheated and then moved in with her lover.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Al_Bundy said:


> NONE of that matters. You can't build equity in a relationship the way you can in a house.
> 
> Also, if she gave a damn about losing you she wouldn't have cheated and then moved in with her lover.


I think she knew deep down by the way I was acting, she could throw some breadcrumbs at me and I'd stick around.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> I think she knew deep down by the way I was acting, she could throw some breadcrumbs at me and I'd stick around.


Then you’d better show her she was wrong. And more importantly, you’d better show yourself that she was wrong


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> Someone suggested no contact... I have tried this and it always ends with her making a fake number to call me from or emailing me from some new email asking me to talk to her. She tells me her bad feelings calm down when I'm away and she starts to miss me.


This is all ********. No-contact does not mean making yourself unreachable. It simply means you choosing not to respond to her when she reaches out (unless it’s relevant business about the kid). 
And if it is relevant business about the kid, it means you respond briefly, succinctly, politely, aloof and non-emotionally. And then you stop responding. It means you being disciplined and choosing to act in your own best interest.



Motivated said:


> I know you guys say she will never want me back and that may be the case, but I have been very very very good to her especially since we separated. I've made sacrifices that I know this guy will never make for her. There's no way in the world she won't miss that once it's gone. I think the problem here lies solely in the fact that she has not yet found out what it's really like to lose me just yet.


None of this matters. She doesn’t care. 
You really need to learn about intersexual dynamics and female sexual nature. Desperately. Because you don’t understand any of it.
You really need to read the Rational Male and no more Mr. nice guy. Like now, today. Download them, read them on your break, at night, get audio versions if available and listen in your vehicle.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> This is all ******. No-contact does not mean making yourself unreachable. It simply means you choosing not to respond to her when she reaches out (unless it’s relevant business about the kid).
> And if it is relevant business about the kid, it means you respond briefly, succinctly, politely, aloof and non-emotionally. And then you stop responding. It means you being disciplined and choosing to act in your own best interest.


Every time I do that, she tells me I'm being immature. "You're either harassing me about working things out or you won't talk to me about anything other than the kids." 



> None of this matters. She doesn’t care.
> You really need to learn about intersexual dynamics and female sexual nature. Desperately. Because you don’t understand any of it.
> You really need to read the Rational Male and no more Mr. nice guy. Like now, today. Download them, read them on your break, at night, get audio versions if available and listen in your vehicle.


I understand that 99% of the this would be the case, but I do know this girl extremely well. Hell, I predicted everything she was doing from day one and everyone told me I was crazy. She does care, but she's blinded by her shiny new toy. She is in a completely physical relationship but knows all things will be on her back as long as she's with him. For example, he is living with her.. but he pays zero bills. She was begging me to buy her a dining room table the other day. I told her to ask him and she said it wasn't his place. 

Perhaps I just really need to cut her off completely and only talk to her about the kids. I changed my phone number last night. I haven't given it to her and probably won't. I'll just talk to her on snapchat. That's where she wants to talk to me at 99% of the time anyway.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

My biggest thing is I lost confidence. When her and I got married, I didn't make very much money. I mean I was a 20 back then. Her family used that to tell her that I wasn't worthy of her and that her dad could hook her up with a guy he works with that would be able to take really good care of her. This made me work crazy hours to show them I could support her and I stopped working out, stopped tanning, stopped doing stuff that kept up my appearance.

I've always been a guy that found myself in the gym. Once the gym was taken from me, I kind of became a shell of my old self. I went from being confident and dominant, to being insecure and a beta. I think she noticed this as well. Her and I were on and off for two years before getting married. She would do stuff like this - we'd break up and she would get with another guy. I'd never chase her and she'd come crawling back at some point. When she'd come back, I'd never ask questions and we'd brush it under the rug.

This time I chased her because I wasn't as confident. I never chased women during our break ups before, I'd always just hit the gym harder. She's always needed a companion to be happy. She wouldn't leave me until she found him. She let another guy for me in 2008 and guess what? She needed to know I was all in before she pulled the trigger. 

I do believe if I fixed myself she'd want to come back and that's why she's clinging to "I don't know how I'll feel in the future". That way she could say "I told you I wasn't done with you. I just felt like we needed a break and look what it done for you, you're so much better now, etc". But I also do believe that will only happen if I truly let go and when I truly let go, I'll never want her back. So ultimately, I do believe letting go is what needs to be done.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Self respect shouldn’t be that hard to find. You really should get some friends. You are so hung on this girl it’s pathetic. Dude you really need to get yourself together.

She would run off with other men and you would just take her back.....

Do you even hear yourself?????


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> Self respect shouldn’t be that hard to find. You really should get some friends. You are so hung on this girl it’s pathetic. Dude you really need to get yourself together.
> 
> She would run off with other men and you would just take her back.....
> 
> Do you even hear yourself?????


No, I don't mean like that. Back then we were just teenagers. She'd date them on MySpace or go to the movies or something. She lived with her grandparents back then. She never ran off and slept with them. She did sleep with one guy while we were broke up one time but I didn't find out about it until after we got married. She did leave him for me though utlimately and it was while we were not together so I let it go. 

I do have a lot of friends and they all tell me the exact same thing you guys are. They also tell me that once I do move on, she will try to come back, and they believe that I will end up taking her back. I honestly believe if I ever get through this, I'd never in a million years want to come back to it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Motivated said:


> I don't know anything for certain.


"She cheated on me." YOUR words, not mine. She either cheated or she didn't. Make up your mind. 

To begin with, whether or not your wife looks like a Barbie doll, someday she's going to be 75. She will no longer look like Barbie. No amount of plastic surgery or workouts can change the ravages of time. And those who make such attempts? Anyone seen Cher or Meg Ryan recently? Yikes!

Going no-contact can mean you discuss the kids and ONLY the kids. 

It strikes me that the suggestions you seek here are how to get your wife to realize the two of you should get back together. Sorry. Nobody here has the answer(s) to that. It would behoove you to quit bugging her about the OM. And, weighing in as a woman here, I can tell you she's politely telling you she's done. Again, sorry.

You simply cannot convince her to take you back. Unless you think you are the first person in the history of the world who has any control whatsoever over another person's thought processes.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> "She cheated on me." YOUR words, not mine. She either cheated or she didn't. Make up your mind.
> 
> To begin with, whether or not your wife looks like a Barbie doll, someday she's going to be 75. She will no longer look like Barbie. No amount of plastic surgery or workouts can change the ravages of time. And those who make such attempts? Anyone seen Cher or Meg Ryan recently? Yikes!
> 
> ...


This girl doesn't know what polite means. She's told me over and over she isn't done. She just says we need more time to go by before we even attempt anything and that she doesn't want to be alone until then. She is also the one that has suggested getting back together is a possibility - I just started asking her about it once she brought it up. 

She called me yesterday and I asked her about it. My exact words were "if you're done with me then I need to just move on and accept it, so just tell me if there's no chance" and her words were "It's not something that I've completely eliminated. I'm open to it". I said "what about him? Is there a future with him?" Her words were "I'm positive there's no future with him. He's here for now and that's it". 

Those aren't the parts that confuses me. What confuses me is how she changes her mind *a lot*. She's always been that way.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> "She cheated on me." YOUR words, not mine. She either cheated or she didn't. Make up your mind.
> 
> To begin with, whether or not your wife looks like a Barbie doll, someday she's going to be 75. She will no longer look like Barbie. No amount of plastic surgery or workouts can change the ravages of time. And those who make such attempts? Anyone seen Cher or Meg Ryan recently? Yikes!
> 
> ...


Well we were still married when she started messing with him and we hadn't even discussed divorce really when she started going to his apartment, so yeah I define that is cheating. I don't know for certain anything happened sexually prior to us agreeing on a divorce. 

I'm aware I can't convince her of anything. I'm just saying she's not convinced she won't either. I just wanted to know what the first steps to take were to moving in the right direction even though I probably already know the answer - walk away for now and fix myself. What scares me is, after I fix myself, will I still want her?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Motivated said:


> She called me yesterday and I asked her about it. My exact words were "if you're done with me then I need to just move on and accept it, so just tell me if there's no chance" and her words were "It's not something that I've completely eliminated. I'm open to it". I said "what about him? Is there a future with him?" Her words were "*I'm positive there's no future with him. He's here for now and that's it*".


 Full disclosure: this is the only post I've read. But honey, it sure sounds like you're plan B. You deserve better than that. I think you should get her in the rear view mirror as quick as possible and find someone for whom you are plan A.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are allowing her to still rely in you to do things for her. Why? You are enabling her to rely on you emotionally. Why?
You are really making things far worse for yourself. Until you stop enabling her dependance on you nothing will change.
You need to stop helping her out with anything. Stop all contact except when its specifically about the children. Stop the cosy chats. You are not even letting her have a chance to miss you. 
Act as if you have moved on, and you may get her back but remember you are both single now and the healthy thing to do is to move on and make your own life.

Oh and BTW if you believe that she and the OM just sat in the apartment and chatted you will believe anything.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

She said they watched movies and that's it. He told me she approached him first and told him she was a single mom and she says he came to her even knowing she was married. Regardless, it makes them both look bad. 

She calls me over *everything*. If something is wrong, she comes to me to fix it. It's like she's either afraid to ask him or doesn't trust him. If she leaves her lunch at home, he's at her house, she'll ask me instead. 

She just popped up on my snap five minutes ago complaining about how much his check was. She was making fun of it. She said "it's just a physical thing with him but he acts like I'm a queen where I'm so out of his league and I like that. He's like my servant". I said "he's a servant that lets you pay all the bills and takes care of him while he lives for free".


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I read the thread.
Not sure why you would want her back.
Have you no self pride or dignity?
She is having fun playing you and another guy.
She obviously is all about the DRAMA.
Here is what you do:
1. Focus on your kid. Be the best Dad you can be.
2. Get yourself sorted. Get yourself in shape. Deal with your demons.
3. Keep contact with her to the bare minimum. Everything about the kid.
4. Go out and find a woman who wants to be with you for all the right reason(s).
5. Leave this one in the dust. Let her eat her heart out.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> This girl doesn't know what polite means. She's told me over and over she isn't done. She just says we need more time to go by before we even attempt anything and that she doesn't want to be alone until then. She is also the one that has suggested getting back together is a possibility - I just started asking her about it once she brought it up.
> 
> She called me yesterday and I asked her about it. My exact words were "if you're done with me then I need to just move on and accept it, so just tell me if there's no chance" and her words were "It's not something that I've completely eliminated. I'm open to it". I said "what about him? Is there a future with him?" Her words were "I'm positive there's no future with him. He's here for now and that's it".
> 
> Those aren't the parts that confuses me. What confuses me is how she changes her mind *a lot*. She's always been that way.


Translation: 
You can treat me as badly as you want, you can walk all over me, you can spit on me, you can betray me, you can cheat on me, you can disrespect me, you can leave me for another man - but I’ll still be right here waiting to take you back if you’re willing. Because I have no self-respect, no dignity no value as a man.

The fact that you would consider giving her the option of coming back to you, and would wait around on that possibility for even one second is the problem. It’s disgusting, pathetic and ridiculous. It’s not respectable.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> Translation:
> You can treat me as badly as you want, you can walk all over me, you can spit on me, you can betray me, you can cheat on me, you can disrespect me, you can leave me for another man - but I’ll still be right here waiting to take you back if you’re willing. Because I have no self-respect, no dignity no value as a man.
> 
> The fact that you would consider giving her the option of coming back to you, and would wait around on that possibility for even one second is the problem. It’s disgusting, pathetic and ridiculous. It’s not respectable.


I just go back and forth with it. One minute and I said I'm done and then a few days later I'm asking her if she is. The whole thing has mentally exhausted me. 

On snap this morning she said "I'm more attracted to you naturally but the fact that you act like f***** Joe Goldberg on steroids makes me want to avoid you". 

I didn't start acting like that until you started playing with my mind!!!


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Tdbo said:


> I read the thread.
> Not sure why you would want her back.
> Have you no self pride or dignity?
> She is having fun playing you and another guy.
> ...


Difficult for a father of three to really move on anymore. Women see the children as baggage and often feel like they will always come second to the children's mother. A lot of the women I have met have also felt intimidated by her physical appearance and assumed she could snap her fingers and have me back. 

When we first split, she would message girls asking them if they were involved with me. She either did this to feed her guilty conscious because she was doing it or she wanted them to be aware that she was still in the picture. One girl I *really liked* she messaged and referred to herself as "my wife". The girl ran and said "you have an ex that doesn't even realize she's an ex".


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Motivated said:


> I just go back and forth with it. One minute and I said I'm done and then a few days later I'm asking her if she is. The whole thing has mentally exhausted me.
> 
> On snap this morning she said "I'm more attracted to you naturally but the fact that you act like f***** Joe Goldberg on steroids makes me want to avoid you".
> 
> I didn't start acting like that until you started playing with my mind!!!


You have all of the information / perspective / guidance we can give you at this point. You’re either ready to accept it or you’re not. There’s nothing more we can tell you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> She said they watched movies and that's it. He told me she approached him first and told him she was a single mom and she says he came to her even knowing she was married. Regardless, it makes them both look bad.
> 
> She calls me over *everything*. If something is wrong, she comes to me to fix it. It's like she's either afraid to ask him or doesn't trust him. If she leaves her lunch at home, he's at her house, she'll ask me instead.
> 
> She just popped up on my snap five minutes ago complaining about how much his check was. She was making fun of it. She said "it's just a physical thing with him but he acts like I'm a queen where I'm so out of his league and I like that. He's like my servant". I said "he's a servant that lets you pay all the bills and takes care of him while he lives for free".


Ok so if you do want her back (please try to get rid of that). I suggest.

Stop giving her all the benefits of having you around without anything in return. So new dining room table, flat out tell her it isn't your place to buy her things. She's someone else's girlfriend. Do not ask about their relationship. Do not ask about them breaking up. Do not be available for every little thing. Let her register her own car.

Do be a great dad. Don't be mean or too aloof just don't be hanging on every word. Talk, small talk, kids, movies whatever makes her laugh.

Start dating. Other women. But you could ask her on a date if you wanted. I mean really that's fair.

Get out of your head that the thing with him is all physical. IF she does look like Barbie she could have gotten a way hotter, employed boy. She wanted someone who made her feel better. 
Compliment her. Make her laugh. Find positive things to say.

He's like my servant..... That make her FEEL important.. feel worthy of having someone serve her... That isn't physical BTW.


LAST but NOT LEAST... reconsider ever letting her back in your life beyond being the mother of your child. I think for you it's physical. I think you are snockered that she is so pretty. She isn't a nice person and she is using you as a back up. So when crap hits the fan or her car needs registering she'll be around.

I noticed you completely ignored the sexual problems in your relationship as well. So if she is so beautiful why did you need fetishes to get you going? Again are you watching porn (or were you back then) are these new fetishes or have you had them the whole time? Did she know about them?

I can tell you I"m not Barbie, I'm old and a troll. But I have sex 5-10 times a week and my husband can get hard very quickly 99/100 times. We have been married 28 years and he doesn't need some weird thing to have good sex. So what is really going on? A built in true fetish from the time you were 12 or too much porn and masturbation that deadened your senses to your beautiful wife. Lastly on this subject. It sounds like she was lazy and you were resentful. That also doesn't sound like it has changed.

You say you want her back because he's getting the wife you deserve. Really is he? Is she all of a sudden doing dishes and cooking dinner? Or is he doing that?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> That's hard because they have a son. But he can scale way back and only talk about the kids and their needs.


I forgot about them having a son.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> Difficult for a father of three to really move on anymore. Women see the children as baggage and often feel like they will always come second to the children's mother. A lot of the women I have met have also felt intimidated by her physical appearance and assumed she could snap her fingers and have me back.
> 
> When we first split, she would message girls asking them if they were involved with me. She either did this to feed her guilty conscious because she was doing it or she wanted them to be aware that she was still in the picture. One girl I *really liked* she messaged and referred to herself as "my wife". The girl ran and said "you have an ex that doesn't even realize she's an ex".


and the girl was smart because your ex can have you back at the snap of the fingers.

There are plenty of great women who are willing to date good men. Right now that isn't you. You haven't processed the divorce and seem to place way too high a premium on looks. Your ex-wife treats you like crap but you'd go running back because she's pretty.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Benbutton said:


> I forgot about them having a son.


Apparently there are 3 children


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Motivated said:


> My exact words were "if you're done with me then I need to just move on and accept it, so just tell me if there's no chance" and her words were "It's not something that I've completely eliminated. I'm open to it". I said "what about him? Is there a future with him?" Her words were "I'm positive there's no future with him. He's here for now and that's it".


She's a cake eater. You are her Plan B. Don't allow her to pigeon-hole you into that role.

From where I'm sitting, she doesn't sound worth the effort. JMO.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Apparently there are 3 children


Well then I completely missed the other two mentioned...


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so if you do want her back (please try to get rid of that). I suggest.
> 
> Stop giving her all the benefits of having you around without anything in return. So new dining room table, flat out tell her it isn't your place to buy her things. She's someone else's girlfriend. Do not ask about their relationship. Do not ask about them breaking up. Do not be available for every little thing. Let her register her own car.


She asked me to put the tags on there for her. Even drove all the way to where I was for me to do it. I think it was an excuse to see me. She was demanding that I (not my mother) meet her with the kids before that and I couldn't do it because I didn't get off work in time, so after I couldn't meet her with them she drove all the way to my house over it. ANYONE can put a set of tags on a car. There was more to it. 



> Do be a great dad. Don't be mean or too aloof just don't be hanging on every word. Talk, small talk, kids, movies whatever makes her laugh.


I am already. The kids actually prefer staying with me over their mom. Our oldest son absolutely resents her. 



> Get out of your head that the thing with him is all physical. IF she does look like Barbie she could have gotten a way hotter, employed boy. She wanted someone who made her feel better.
> Compliment her. Make her laugh. Find positive things to say.
> 
> He's like my servant..... That make her FEEL important.. feel worthy of having someone serve her... That isn't physical BTW.


She's the one that said it was mostly physical, but also she said she liked being with someone beneath her. This is going to sound off but it's true - when her and I were together (up until the last couple of years where I lost myself) she was always worried and intimidated that other women wanted me. She would always complain if "x" amount off girls liked a picture of mine or if my mom was friends with someone my age. She said she isn't concerned about anyone else showing him attention. 

He's employed now also. He just doesn't make very much money. 



> LAST but NOT LEAST... reconsider ever letting her back in your life beyond being the mother of your child. I think for you it's physical. I think you are snockered that she is so pretty. She isn't a nice person and she is using you as a back up. So when crap hits the fan or her car needs registering she'll be around.


Honestly, I'm in panic mode right now. If I'm being completely honest here - I don't think it would ever work again. I just don't feel I deserve what was done to me and I deserve to be able to walk away from her by choice. I feel like if we tried again, I would probably realize it wasn't worth the fight I put up and walk away on my own and I feel like that would give me closure. 



> I noticed you completely ignored the sexual problems in your relationship as well. So if she is so beautiful why did you need fetishes to get you going? Again are you watching porn (or were you back then) are these new fetishes or have you had them the whole time? Did she know about them?


You're completely right and yes, you nailed it. I had a terrible porn addiction and it did cause a huge fight between us a lot. I did let porn get in my mind and she wasn't into that at all. She has told me sexually I was better than him, but she is so much happier not having to satisfy weird fetishes. 

In a sense, I'm kind of glad I lost her because it has made me realize these things and I would fix them next time around, but she has *taken it too far *with some of the stuff she has done. She has even forced this guy on our kids when she barely knew him. 

I accidentally erased your quote about the bad habit from when I was 12 and you were *exactly right*. Fortunately, I know her well enough to say I'm pretty sure she would be willing to try again but I'm also pretty sure I would have to fix some things and prove that to her but at this point, I think she's taken it too far. 



> You say you want her back because he's getting the wife you deserve. Really is he? Is she all of a sudden doing dishes and cooking dinner? Or is he doing that?


She is keeping a spotless house and doing dishes now, yes. She is working full-time and paying all the bills. She is also started to get frustrated with him barely a month into their "official" relationship and venting to her ex husband about it. The dude sits and plays video games all the time and at night he sleeps with her. 

She popped up on my snapchat complaining that his check was $700 for one month. She is used to me making $1,500-$2,000 per week. Hell, she makes $900 per week herself. I asked her if that's the reason she doesn't want to be with him long-term and she said that is a reason but not the only one.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Motivated said:


> Difficult for a father of three to really move on anymore. Women see the children as baggage and often feel like they will always come second to the children's mother. A lot of the women I have met have also felt intimidated by her physical appearance and assumed she could snap her fingers and have me back.
> 
> When we first split, she would message girls asking them if they were involved with me. She either did this to feed her guilty conscious because she was doing it or she wanted them to be aware that she was still in the picture. One girl I *really liked* she messaged and referred to herself as "my wife". The girl ran and said "you have an ex that doesn't even realize she's an ex".


That's why you need to get out from under her.
She no longer needs to be in the picture, except for parental issues.
You must be able to attract some women for the Dramallama to scare away.
She must have been threatened by them at some level, otherwise why would she have bothered?
You need to cure yourself.
You need to make sure that it is clear to EVERYONE (including your ex) that she can no longer snap her fingers and have you back. ABOVE ALL TO YOURSELF! The rest will take care of itself.
There are women out there who are in the same boat you are. There are women out there who want a good man.
You might end up being the BRADY BUNCH. So what if you find the right one?
Nothing changes until you take charge of your life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You chase they always move farther away. A lot like you can’t or won’t stop. 
No contact is up to you. There are no excuses.
You are the only one that can make yourself a chump and live in limbo.

From what you’ve posted you aren’t losing much.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Tdbo said:


> That's why you need to get out from under her.
> She no longer needs to be in the picture, except for parental issues.
> You must be able to attract some women for the Dramallama to scare away.
> She must have been threatened by them at some level, otherwise why would she have bothered?
> ...


The one girl that I really did like and was really into had a rough past. It was like she was making me pay for everything that her ex did. She was really beautiful like my wife and she had a son that was not even a year old who I adored. My ex-wife messaged her referring to herself as "my wife" and asking her if we were involved. Yeah, that was a huge red flag and she walked away because of it. 

Three of the other girls didn't have any kids and committing to a father of three was a little shaky to them, then of course my ex messaged two of them as well.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> She asked me to put the tags on there for her. Even drove all the way to where I was for me to do it. I think it was an excuse to see me. She was demanding that I (not my mother) meet her with the kids before that and I couldn't do it because I didn't get off work in time, so after I couldn't meet her with them she drove all the way to my house over it. ANYONE can put a set of tags on a car. There was more to it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for answering honestly.

Again it isn't physical. You made her feel less than. You made her feel like she wasn't enough. You didn't even think about changing the porn until she left. She might not stay with him but this kind of damage doesn't disappear. So even if she does come back and even if you don't do these things anymore how many ever years you did this will take double or triple for her to let go and she might not ever. 

Just like you want her back because you want to be the one to leave.  I think part of your issue is she left you. You want her back so you feel worthy. But you don't really want her back. That's something you can work on. YOu can actually get closure without her. Give up the porn. You are already losing weight. Read some mindfulness books. Get your head on straight and start with someone new that won't have the baggage that your ex will bring on both sides.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> The one girl that I really did like and was really into had a rough past. It was like she was making me pay for everything that her ex did. She was really beautiful like my wife and she had a son that was not even a year old who I adored. My ex-wife messaged her referring to herself as "my wife" and asking her if we were involved. Yeah, that was a huge red flag and she walked away because of it.
> 
> Three of the other girls didn't have any kids and committing to a father of three was a little shaky to them, then of course my ex messaged two of them as well.


I know this is hard for your type of guy. But maybe try actually dating someone who isn't really beautiful. Try pretty. Many of the beauty queens are just plain crazy or mean. You've heard of the pretty/crazy chart right?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)




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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Motivated said:


> She said they watched movies and that's it. He told me she approached him first and told him she was a single mom and she says he came to her even knowing she was married. Regardless, it makes them both look bad.
> 
> She calls me over *everything*. If something is wrong, she comes to me to fix it. It's like she's either afraid to ask him or doesn't trust him. If she leaves her lunch at home, he's at her house, she'll ask me instead.
> 
> She just popped up on my snap five minutes ago complaining about how much his check was. She was making fun of it. She said "it's just a physical thing with him but he acts like I'm a queen where I'm so out of his league and I like that. He's like my servant". I said "he's a servant that lets you pay all the bills and takes care of him while he lives for free".


That's what I mean. You must tell her that from now on you need to cut the ties and move on. That you won't be her sounding board. That you can't be her handy man any more. She is using you as her handy man and bestie. She is single. She needs to sort things on her own like millions of other single mums do. Stop trailing around her like a lost puppy and stop this stuff. 

Cut ties except for the children and move on or I guaranteed you will be in this position for a very long time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Motivated said:


> Difficult for a father of three to really move on anymore. Women see the children as baggage and often feel like they will always come second to the children's mother. A lot of the women I have met have also felt intimidated by her physical appearance and assumed she could snap her fingers and have me back.
> 
> When we first split, she would message girls asking them if they were involved with me. She either did this to feed her guilty conscious because she was doing it or she wanted them to be aware that she was still in the picture. One girl I *really liked* she messaged and referred to herself as "my wife". The girl ran and said "you have an ex that doesn't even realize she's an ex".


How did she know who you were dating for goodness sake? You two are far far too involved in each others lives. She will try and stop any relationship you have because although she doesn't want you she doesn't want anyone else to have you.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> I know this is hard for your type of guy. But maybe try actually dating someone who isn't really beautiful. Try pretty. Many of the beauty queens are just plain crazy or mean. You've heard of the pretty/crazy chart right?


They don't have to be knockout gorgeous. Sometimes a girls personality can make her appear more attractive. When I first got divorced, a girl was trying every way to move in with me. She reminded me a little of my ex wife - blonde hair, very attractive. The problem was she seemed way too desperate and didn't have her $hit together. It almost felt like talking to her was more like a job interview and she was explaining her skills to me in hopes that I would find her worthy. 

What I liked about the girl I was involved with after the divorce was she was very independent. She had her own house, her own vehicle, great mother, stable job, her personality was amazing. She was beautiful, but that wasn't so much what did me in in comparison to the other things.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> How did she know who you were dating for goodness sake? You two are far far too involved in each others lives. She will try and stop any relationship you have because although she doesn't want you she doesn't want anyone else to have you.


Facebook. When we first split I deleted and blocked her, but she was sneaking on my sons facebook and watching who and all liked my pictures and stuff. Me and this certain girl had "hearted" a few of each others pics and she just flat out asked me about it. I told her it was true and she asked me to send her proof. I didn't send her anything but I think she wanted proof so that when she was caught with him she would be able to say I did it first.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Thank you for answering honestly.
> 
> Again it isn't physical. You made her feel less than. You made her feel like she wasn't enough. You didn't even think about changing the porn until she left. She might not stay with him but this kind of damage doesn't disappear. So even if she does come back and even if you don't do these things anymore how many ever years you did this will take double or triple for her to let go and she might not ever.
> 
> Just like you want her back because you want to be the one to leave. I think part of your issue is she left you. You want her back so you feel worthy. But you don't really want her back. That's something you can work on. YOu can actually get closure without her. Give up the porn. You are already losing weight. Read some mindfulness books. Get your head on straight and start with someone new that won't have the baggage that your ex will bring on both sides.


I have given up porn honestly. I have started losing weight and getting back in shape. I was the one that filed for the divorce by the way. It was her idea initially to go forward with it and she even bugged me about it, but I was the one to file. It's not so much that I want to be the one to leave. It's that I have recognized all the things that went wrong and I want to see if we did get back together, would correcting those things matter or would I say "no this isn't worth it" and back out?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Motivated said:


> I have given up porn honestly. I have started losing weight and getting back in shape. I was the one that filed for the divorce by the way. It was her idea initially to go forward with it and she even bugged me about it, but I was the one to file. It's not so much that I want to be the one to leave. It's that I have recognized all the things that went wrong and I want to see if we did get back together, would correcting those things matter or would I say "no this isn't worth it" and back out?


Let us save you the trouble. No it isn't worth it.

Here's the thing, other than she's a cheater.....

You have damaged her. She is going to have issues with you that some other woman you haven't damaged might not. She is going to have resentment. You should have resentment. Very few people have the ability to truly get past their resentment. You can ignore it for a while but then something happens and booom there it is and now your partner doesn't even know the current fight is actually about the past.

You divorced her, good. I am honestly telling you. There is better out there. Put her in the past. When she drove over you should have handed her a screw driver as you assistance. Or disappeared. You know say hey nice to see you I was just heading out to meet Jenny. Bye. 

Also stop posting stuff on Facebook if she's using it to try to intervene with dates.

Get your head on straight, call the girl you liked back. Let her know you like her and that you aren't going to let your EX-wife get in your way anymore. Let her know that you'd like to go on another date. If you can honestly say you are giving the old ***** up.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Trust me I know that someone else telling you doesn't do it. See you are damaged too.

I had a long term boyfriend in college that was technically a fiancé. I left him. But it still haunted me for a while that didn't feel good enough. I mean I actually felt like a better catch than him but he and his family made me feel not good enough. I never wanted him back. Could have had him if I wanted. But what I really wanted was to get married to him have his family love me and then leave him.... Why closure. Didn't have anything to do with actually wanting him.

Fortunately, I didn't take him back. I started dating. Met my husband and never looked back, 28 years now.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Motivated said:


> The one girl that I really did like and was really into *had a rough past*. It was like she was making me pay for everything that her ex did. She was really beautiful like my wife and she *had a son that was not even a year* old who I adored.


Learn to recognize red flags otherwise you will end up right back in the same situation. I'm not going to tell you to date less attractive women, that's not the issue, I'm saying don't stick your thing into a walking dumpster fire. Learn to see the red flags.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Motivated, your biggest problem right now is dealing with reality and you really need to address this. Right now you will look for any excuse to continue doing all the wrong things that you are doing now or even not seeing things for what they really are.

So lets take a real good look at your ex wife::

1. She values money above everything else - in fact it is her ONLY real problem with the guy she is with.

2. She is an accomplished liar and will say ANYTHING to further her own end - so I would take everything she says with a pinch of salt, including when she says that you are better than him in the sack or that she will leave him soon. He is probably pretty good in the sack or else she would never be with him - if she is as pretty as you say she would have no problem finding someone who is. I would bet that if he miraculously landed a relly well paying job, you would be complete history.

3. She is immoral and a cheat. You can bet your bottom dollar that this monkey-brancing type of move has been in the planning for some time. It may not even be her first rodeo while looking for the next guy to branch to, At this stage she probably calculated her expenses etc and decided that now was the right time and this was the right schlong to do it with (as I said in my last point). If he does not work out, there will be another guy who is good in the sack and she will continue to do this while she can and more importantly, while you allow it but still support her.

4. Of course she will keep you dangling as a backup plan and she can't have other girls buzzing around a potential source of support for her.

5. She sees you as better at doing things for her than him - that maybe true but you shouldn't do things for her, This is bad for you as it shows you what she really thinks of you - a schmuck handyman! She and he probably have a bit of an understanding and maybe a giggle about it - oh that needs doing, no probs Motivated will take care of it.

6. If she ever came back to you it would be for all the wrong reasons which would be even more destructive to you this time round.

So you need to see ther for he immoral, flawed, greedy person that she is. You are divorced. You are over the main challenge here so start to reflect on the next stage of your life and really put her in the rear view mirror. Cut her out of your life save for things involving the kids and please stay zen on this! Eventually you will find someone that is worth your time and affection. Always let the kids know that you are there for them and be there for them. Do not let them see you as some kind of wimp. You know what you need to do so stop the self pity wallowing and making excuses not to do the right thing. Pull yourself up out of this mess and get on with your life!

Good luck and I really hope you wake up and smell the roses!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I would recommend you read up on the 180. Detach and move on. Its over. Now, how the story turns out is up to you. I see a happy ending in your future.
I see a man who realizes where he fails and takes the appropriate action to become a better man, a healthier man both physically and mentally, and moves on to a successful life.
Visualize what it is you want out of life and step back and make the plans necessary to achieve your objective.

In the Corps you learn "improvise, adapt, overcome". Make this your daily mantra. You have a mission to accomplish to better yourself. Improvise your plan as you go if you cannot develop one, adapt to your current situation, and take steps to overcome your obstacles to a better you! Prioritize your objectives and I will caution you not to attempt to reach all goals at once, but rather one at a time.
Get with a good health coach and a good counselor and I will bet you in a year from now you will be much better.

You can do it, if you BELEIVE in yourself. And no I am not channeling Ted Lasso.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Motivated said:


> They don't have to be knockout gorgeous. Sometimes a girls personality can make her appear more attractive. When I first got divorced, a girl was trying every way to move in with me. She reminded me a little of my ex wife - blonde hair, very attractive. *The problem was she seemed way too desperate* and didn't have her $hit together. It almost felt like talking to her was more like a job interview and she was explaining her skills to me in hopes that I would find her worthy.
> 
> What I liked about the girl I was involved with after the divorce was she was very independent. She had her own house, her own vehicle, great mother, stable job, her personality was amazing. She was beautiful, but that wasn't so much what did me in in comparison to the other things.


This is how your ex views you. She's stringing you along because you do things for her.
And whats with your tanning obsession?


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

manfromlamancha said:


> Motivated, your biggest problem right now is dealing with reality and you really need to address this. Right now you will look for any excuse to continue doing all the wrong things that you are doing now or even not seeing things for what they really are.
> 
> So lets take a real good look at your ex wife::
> 
> 1. She values money above everything else - in fact it is her ONLY real problem with the guy she is with.


That's not her only issue with him. She doesn't like his kids, she makes fun of how he does his hair, she says he doesn't know how to take control in situations where she needs a man and not a boy, has a whiny personality, and when he does have money he spends it on things he shouldn't be concerned with. He has shown earlier signs of jealousy too. She said the other day he asked her why she has to talk to me on snapchat and why can't it be through text. The kids told me she instructed them not to tell him I bought the dog they have because "he wouldn't like it" then. 

He's a car salesman and she said without her permission he pulled her recent car loan and started questioning her on why she settled for the vehicle she did and why she needed a co-signer. His sales were low and he was trying to convince her to let him sale her a car. She said she felt it was an invasion of privacy. Mind you, this is barely a month into the official relationship. 



> 2. She is an accomplished liar and will say ANYTHING to further her own end - so I would take everything she says with a pinch of salt, including when she says that you are better than him in the sack or that she will leave him soon. He is probably pretty good in the sack or else she would never be with him - if she is as pretty as you say she would have no problem finding someone who is. I would bet that if he miraculously landed a relly well paying job, you would be complete history.


I can't say this is true or untrue. I do know that anyone can last a month and 80% of couples can last six months, but he's divorced for a reason also. She enjoys being in control in the relationship with him where when her and I were together she depended solely upon me for everything. It's easy for her to enjoy that when I've been there making life easier for her behind the scenes in hopes of proving that I am worthy of another chance. 

She never said he sucked in the sack or anything. She has told me a lot that she likes it and even sometimes it was amazing. She just told me that I was better (before all the troubles). She works in a hospital and I always assumed she was going to end up with a surgeon or something from over there but she ended up with a guy that was unemployed and living in a broken down apartment. What she saw in him to begin with was a younger version of me. The guy has my skin complexion, hair color, eye color, even facial hair. What is different is I had gained weight and he is slim. 



> 3. She is immoral and a cheat. You can bet your bottom dollar that this monkey-brancing type of move has been in the planning for some time. It may not even be her first rodeo while looking for the next guy to branch to, At this stage she probably calculated her expenses etc and decided that now was the right time and this was the right schlong to do it with (as I said in my last point). If he does not work out, there will be another guy who is good in the sack and she will continue to do this while she can and more importantly, while you allow it but still support her.


I agree. I assumed she cheated back in 2018 but when I asked the guy I assumed she cheated with he told me they had talked and she told him her and I were broke up, but nothing happened. Part of me believes his wife was around at the time and that's why he didn't want to admit to have taken part in an affair. According to her, she asked him about it and he denied claims they even talked. The same guy did ask her to hang out with him right after I confronted him. Maybe he thought had he kept the secret he would get something out of it. 



> 4. Of course she will keep you dangling as a backup plan and she can't have other girls buzzing around a potential source of support for her.
> 
> 5. She sees you as better at doing things for her than him - that maybe true but you shouldn't do things for her, This is bad for you as it shows you what she really thinks of you - a schmuck handyman! She and he probably have a bit of an understanding and maybe a giggle about it - oh that needs doing, no probs Motivated will take care of it.


Nah, she keeps contact with me away from him. He sees on her phone when she snaps me but he doesn't know how much she does it. She was sending me nudes two weeks prior to their relationship and he's aware of that. He also has to know she chooses to talk to me on snap because she's less likely to leave evidence of what she says on there. 



> 6. If she ever came back to you it would be for all the wrong reasons which would be even more destructive to you this time round.


I agree with this unless my absence really affects her as much as her absence affected mine. I was with her initially for the wrong reasons too, but then losing her showed me there's nothing I wouldn't do for her and I cared more than I admitted to myself. 



> So you need to see ther for he immoral, flawed, greedy person that she is. You are divorced. You are over the main challenge here so start to reflect on the next stage of your life and really put her in the rear view mirror. Cut her out of your life save for things involving the kids and please stay zen on this! Eventually you will find someone that is worth your time and affection. Always let the kids know that you are there for them and be there for them. Do not let them see you as some kind of wimp. You know what you need to do so stop the self pity wallowing and making excuses not to do the right thing. Pull yourself up out of this mess and get on with your life!
> 
> Good luck and I really hope you wake up and smell the roses!


I have no choice but to do this very thing. I have to move on or else nothing will change. I won't eliminate a potential reunion in the future but only if a lot changes - starting with me. Who knows. I could get ripped up and find myself in a better area with more women and find someone I'm way more into than her. That's what I'm hoping for.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Also stop posting stuff on Facebook if she's using it to try to intervene with dates.
> 
> Get your head on straight, call the girl you liked back. Let her know you like her and that you aren't going to let your EX-wife get in your way anymore. Let her know that you'd like to go on another date. If you can honestly say you are giving the old *** up.


I don't have facebook anymore. I deleted it a while back. I don't even have instagram now. I just use snap. 

The girl I was involved with is now in a relationship and I tried a few times to talk to her post-break up and she wanted to hear nothing I had to say. She told me it was too early for me to try to get involved and that I needed to work on myself for the time being because no one could heal me but me. She said she wasn't ready or willing to get involved in a situation like the one I was in. I don't blame her. Maybe if her and the guy she's with doesn't workout we will cross pathes again someday. I doubt it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

To be honest I don't think she would come back to you unless she hit rock bottom financially. Even then I don't think she would marry you again. The only thing good you said about her was that she looks good. If she really looks good I think she's going to find herself another provider guy. I don't think you should stand around waiting for her to come back. It's not fair for her to keep you on the hook like that. Can you be a fool to just wait and see. Get yourself back in shape and start dating. She might or might not try to interfere with that. If you're smart you won't let her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Motivated said:


> That's not her only issue with him. She doesn't like his kids, she makes fun of how he does his hair, she says he doesn't know how to take control in situations where she needs a man and not a boy, has a whiny personality, and when he does have money he spends it on things he shouldn't be concerned with. He has shown earlier signs of jealousy too. She said the other day he asked her why she has to talk to me on snapchat and why can't it be through text. The kids told me she instructed them not to tell him I bought the dog they have because "he wouldn't like it" then.


None of this is your business. And I bet your wife trash talks about you to him. Maybe the guy is a complete loser. But it's a pretty bad reflection on your wife that she disses this man to her ex husband.

Your wife is not quality goods. She just ain't. She can have a smokin' hot bod, have the face of a beauty queen, and be tanned and bronzed like she lives on the beach. But she sounds like an immature asshole.

And you need to grow up too. Tell her to STFU when she starts whining about her bf. Tell her it's none of your business. Tell her to complain to one of her gf's.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

manwithnoname said:


> This is how your ex views you. She's stringing you along because you do things for her.
> And whats with your tanning obsession?


The only point I've been trying to make in all of this is this very point. Of course she doesn't miss me if I'm not gone. I didn't miss her until she was gone either. My absence will reveal the truth about how she feels. 

I just look better with a tan and honestly so does she. Some people look better without one.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Motivated said:


> My absence will reveal the truth about how she feels.


There's a big difference in missing you and missing all the stuff you do for her. Don't confuse the second one with the first. As I said before, if she really missed you she wouldn't be getting hollowed out by another dude.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

DownByTheRiver said:


> To be honest I don't think she would come back to you unless she hit rock bottom financially. Even then I don't think she would marry you again. The only thing good you said about her was that she looks good. If she really looks good I think she's going to find herself another provider guy. I don't think you should stand around waiting for her to come back. It's not fair for her to keep you on the hook like that. Can you be a fool to just wait and see. Get yourself back in shape and start dating. She might or might not try to interfere with that. If you're smart you won't let her.


She will try to come back. I know her too well. She will just wait until I have it all together again. I think she will want to get re-married but she will want to wait a few years first. 

As good as I know her (and I can be wrong) this is how I would see it playing out. 

1. She will never want to work things out with this version of me, ever. 
2. If I changed the things I needed to change - got back in shape, learned to be happy again, etc. she will try to come back
3. If I take her back instantly, this will repeat itself 
4. If I turned her down and made myself appear uninterested, she would probably shape up and change. 
5. If I do wait around on her to figure out what she wants, it would sale a good chick flick but that wont' work in real life. I would mount myself to being a permanent doormat. 
6. Repeat 1-3


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

Prodigal said:


> None of this is your business. And I bet your wife trash talks about you to him. Maybe the guy is a complete loser. But it's a pretty bad reflection on your wife that she disses this man to her ex husband.
> 
> Your wife is not quality goods. She just ain't. She can have a smokin' hot bod, have the face of a beauty queen, and be tanned and bronzed like she lives on the beach. But she sounds like an immature asshole.
> 
> And you need to grow up too. Tell her to STFU when she starts whining about her bf. Tell her it's none of your business. Tell her to complain to one of her gf's.


She doesn't have any girlfriends. She has toxic family members that put stuff in her head like two cousins that were divorced and six feet into baby daddy drama by their mid 20's and a sister that I could write six pages on how terrible she is. She has no real friends. She has work people she talks to and deadbeat family members.... and me. 

Of course she trash talks me to him. At least I'm aware that it's going both ways and not in a delusional fantasy that I found Cinderella like he is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Motivated said:


> She will try to come back. I know her too well. She will just wait until I have it all together again. I think she will want to get re-married but she will want to wait a few years first.
> 
> As good as I know her (and I can be wrong) this is how I would see it playing out.
> 
> ...


That's why I think you need to just quit trying with her and start living your life separately from her and stop doing her favors like the license tag. I love these women who try to retain their exes as plumbers and handyman. And you might be surprised and find someone who does like you just like you are but I wouldn't let that stop me from getting back in shape especially since you're a trainer. But you have to realize that if she can't handle any of that, she is not going to be a suitable person to go into your old age with.


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## Motivated (Jan 7, 2022)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's why I think you need to just quit trying with her and start living your life separately from her and stop doing her favors like the license tag. I love these women who try to retain their exes as plumbers and handyman. And you might be surprised and find someone who does like you just like you are but I wouldn't let that stop me from getting back in shape especially since you're a trainer. But you have to realize that if she can't handle any of that, she is not going to be a suitable person to go into your old age with.


Yeah, getting as lean as possible is something I am doing for me, not her. No way I'd let anyone stop me from doing that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Motivated said:


> She has no real friends.


Yeah, so what? Not your problem. It's no excuse for her trash talking about him to you. Maybe you should quit making excuses and rationalizing her behavior. Trust me, she's no prize.



Motivated said:


> Of course she trash talks me to him. At least I'm aware that it's going both ways


Wow. Just. Wow. The more you discuss her, the more I'm wondering what the hell it is about Barbie that's so great. She screws around. She lies - and believe me, she does. She talks out both sides of her mouth when it comes to dissing you and her current bf.

You need to quit putting this woman on a pedestal. Quit making excuses for her. She is NOT a quality person, and she lacks integrity and character. Seriously.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Motivated said:


> I don't have facebook anymore. I deleted it a while back. I don't even have instagram now. I just use snap.
> 
> The girl I was involved with is now in a relationship and I tried a few times to talk to her post-break up and she wanted to hear nothing I had to say. She told me it was too early for me to try to get involved and that I needed to work on myself for the time being because no one could heal me but me. She said she wasn't ready or willing to get involved in a situation like the one I was in. I don't blame her. Maybe if her and the guy she's with doesn't workout we will cross pathes again someday. I doubt it.


Any woman would be crazy to get involved with a guy who is still far far too involved with his ex. Going round all the time doing jobs for her. Listening to her complain about her new man. Stalking any woman who is interested in him. 
You have so much to do before you will be in anyway ready to date again. The first being to cut all ties with this woman before she ruins any more of your life.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Motivated said:


> I got divorced a few months ago after 10 years of marriage. We started out dating when I just got out of high school and she was still in high school. Marriage from a young age really took its toll on us and we got a divorce that we both had a hand in causing. The minute we separated I realized just how much she meant to me though and I've spent every minute since then trying to win her back. She tells me that my desperation has pushed her away more than helped.
> 
> I asked her two days ago on the phone if I'll ever get a second chance to make it right and she told me she doesn't know. She said she is not wanting to work on it right now but she isn't sure she won't in a few months or years. She is in a relationship at the moment but she said she would never marry the guy and that she doesn't see it being long-term. She said that he makes her feel wanted though which is something that I didn't do and she likes having him around. She said being with me right now would be permanent and she doesn't want permanent at the moment.
> 
> ...


What would you be getting back?
It sounds like to me that you'd be getting back a woman that doesn't care for you.
She only cares what a guy is willing to do for her and she doesn't feel obligations go both ways .


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Motivated said:


> I know I'd never win her back right now the way I am. I'm asking once I do what is in the bold there, will she change her mind then?


You’re not going to win her back, period. Once a woman falls out of love with you…… she’s done. Just STOP. I’m sorry, this is the truth you need to hear.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Motivated said:


> She said she didn't feel like she mattered. She said she felt like I put all emphasis on spoiling her financially but ignored her feelings. The issue is most of what she complained about was money so naturally I just decided to work more. She said sleep apnea and weight gain was making me unattractive and how I stopped taking care of myself. She said there was tension between us and we argued too much. I can see where things went wrong and I know they can be fixed, but she said how she feels around me would have to change first.


Friend zoned for purposes of using you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Motivated said:


> *She doesn't have any girlfriends. *She has toxic family members that put stuff in her head like two cousins that were divorced and six feet into baby daddy drama by their mid 20's and a sister that I could write six pages on how terrible she is. *She has no real friends.* She has work people she talks to and deadbeat family members.... and me.
> 
> Of course she trash talks me to him. At least I'm aware that it's going both ways and not in a delusional fantasy that I found Cinderella like he is.


I'm glad I was sitting down when I read this. At my age, I can't be falling down from shock when someone surprises me with a newsflash like this.

DUDE. Seriously.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm glad I was sitting down when I read this. At my age, I can't be falling down from shock when someone surprises me with a newsflash like this.
> 
> DUDE. Seriously.


Indeed. What a peach.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Indeed. What a peach.


Well and it's like talking to an axolotl. "She's mean to me and has basically told me she's using me and keeping me around as a plan B. But I think we can turn this around!"

Oh honey. No.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Motivated said:


> The only point I've been trying to make in all of this is this very point. Of course she doesn't miss me if I'm not gone. I didn't miss her until she was gone either. My absence will reveal the truth about how she feels.
> 
> I just look better with a tan and honestly so does she. Some people look better without one.


Trouble is that you are not absent.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dude Really???

I was wanting to call the police and file a restraining order myself just reading this. 

This is a self esteem and self image issue within yourself. 

Kudos to you on losing 40lbs. That shows you can do it. And kidos on getting off the social media and porn. But you still need a lot of work on YOU. Like professional therapist type work to determine why you went off the rails so bad and how to kick it in gear and get yourself straightened out and squared away and get your dignity and self appreciation back. 

My suggestion is as the others and go no contact. Only respond if it is about some kind of arrangement with the kids. 

In other words if she emails you and asks if you pick up Billy at 5 instead of 6, you respond with, "OK" to show you got the message. 

If she calls you because she took a big ol' crap, tell her to call a plumber. If she has a flat in rain in the middle of the night, tell her to call AAA. 

Husbands unclog toilets and change flats. You have offered to be her husband and she said no. It is no longer your circus or your monkey. 

Keep working on yourself and get your balls back. Start getting out and doing fun things with fun people. Live life. Date chicks. 

Get to be a tan, buff, good looking hunk again. When you are a squared away, good looking hunk with good confidence and good self esteem and dating chicks that are better looking and less messed up than her,,, then if you can honestly, truly say that you would rather be with her than better chicks, then take your shot again. 

In the mean time, let her go and focus on yourself.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Damned, what is it? Is it the food, the water, the air? Or is it society as a whole?

FFS I swear, but I think that there are very few men being borne these days. If I were to go by this OP; I 
would think that only sad, pathetic excuses of a man are left nowadays. 
This dude sounds so unreal that it actually is sadder to know that he's actually real. 

My take is that no matter what he's being advice is of no use. He just doesn’t get it, nor probably will.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

Apologies if I've missed this in your thread so far, but WHAT have you done to work on yourself?

Folks have suggested books. Have you read any of them?

Have you been going to counseling?

I get it, she shouldn't have cheated. It hurts. I've been cheated on so I've been in your shoes.

The ONLY person you may work on is yourself.

TAM is helpful, but it's no substitute for things like counseling, reading books, listening to podcasts etc.

Work on yourself, for yourself. It will benefit you for the rest of your life, whether it's with this untrustworthy cheating lady or with some other person you meet in the future.

Work on yourself young man.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Implement the 180.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

This is one of the saddest stories I've read here. Let her the F go. You need to go no contact and work on yourself and your future. Leave this woman behind. You deserve better.


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## Howard P.Eng. (Dec 11, 2021)

Totally worth rescuing his family and relationship. Attachment is a very, very strong force with the children and years-in, there is a TON of pull to leverage. 
Gotta go all-in here. 

*The Plan*
1. Get a good relationship counsellor and share contact # etc. 
Go as individuals, free for her to make a call to anytime, on your tab.
2. Go on the +ve offense, get back on IG. Post photos of you being the best dad ever. 
Kids smiling having fun - and do have fun. Bikes, swimming, running, scooters, ball, tennis, beach whatever it takes. 
_Teach _your kids a new skill or learn one with them. This is family fun, just down one at the moment. 
3. Might want to consider another woman in the fun w/kids too, but run that past #1. This would invoke a strong competition threat. 
4. When you meet in person, be sure to look her straight in the eyes and hold that. 
Ask her how's she's feeling today and if there is anything you can do for her. 
Leave it at that. No complaints, no criticizing, be relentlessly positive about life and your future. I mean_ relentless._
Abolish negativity. 

Work on these 4 points once a week and start back at #1


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Advice was communicate about kids *ONLY, *otherwise NO CONTACT

Response was:


Motivated said:


> Every time I do that, she tells me I'm being immature. "You're either harassing me about working things out or you won't talk to me about anything other than the kids."


SO???? That's the whole point of the advice! *NO CONTACT* (other than only what is necessary for the kids). 

How's the saying go? If you love something, let it go -- if it comes back to you (on it's own) it will be yours forever; if not, you are better off (something like that). 

You really need to Just. Let. Her. Go!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Motivated said:


> That's not her only issue with him. She doesn't like his kids, she makes fun of how he does his hair, she says he doesn't know how to take control in situations where she needs a man and not a boy, has a whiny personality, and when he does have money he spends it on things he shouldn't be concerned with. He has shown earlier signs of jealousy too. She said the other day he asked her why she has to talk to me on snapchat and why can't it be through text. The kids told me she instructed them not to tell him I bought the dog they have because "he wouldn't like it" then.
> 
> He's a car salesman and she said without her permission he pulled her recent car loan and started questioning her on why she settled for the vehicle she did and why she needed a co-signer. His sales were low and he was trying to convince her to let him sale her a car. She said she felt it was an invasion of privacy. Mind you, this is barely a month into the official relationship.
> 
> ...



I still think you are struggling with the reality of this and your above responses sound like clutching at straws to believe what you want to believe. You really do need to stop denying what is real and move on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The problem is he doesn’t understand that she’s gone and other than Disney movies, there is no such thing as “winning her back”.
That should be learned in grade school. Once they aren’t interested anymore, it doesn’t really come back unless there’s years in between and some good memories involved.
OP, you cannot Let HER Go— it’s not up to you. She’s gone. She’s with another dude whom she’s just using for sex and companionship. She’d rather have that than you. It will be far, far more likely to get a different woman to fall in love with you than this one. Gotta move on. Keeping this one in your head will just keep you down. It’s a no win situation.

I saw that she’s cheated in the past, she’s talked to you about banging this new dude…
You hanging on to this lecherous woman is pretty bad. I suspect I know what your friends are telling you….. run.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> So look .... the ladies are doing a good job but I’m going to give it to you as a man.
> She told you your desperation drives her away but you continue to be desperate.
> She told you she isn’t interested in working on it but you ask her when
> She told you she likes having the other guy around.
> ...



I agree with you, Mr. Married. But I will take it a step further.

She is stringing OP along with terms like 'maybe in the future', 50/50 to try and keep him as a Plan B person while also utilizing him as a backup for what the new boyfriend can't do. 

OP says both are to blame (him and her) for the conditions which created the divorce but only OP seems to be owning it while she moves on with her life as though there are no problems or issues.

Showing desperation and weakness hurts. Doesn't help.

OP is losing out on other opportunities with other women who may appreciate him more and who his investment in will yield greater outcomes.

Until OP realizes this, he will continue to lose time and get used more and more.

On a final note, OP said this 


'I guess now is the part where I tell a little more details. She cheated on me with this guy right before the divorce and was letting him stay at my house for days at a time while we were separated. She even forced the kids to lie to me about it. She swore to me she had ended it right before the divorce and then a week or two after she comes out on facebook dating him and posting pictures of him with my kids (my kids don't like him either).

Just asked her this morning again if she's sure she's going to break things off and she said "it probably won't be soon. I don't know exactly when, but I'm certain I won't marry him or be with him for years or anything". Kind of makes me think that's all a physical thing. '


While she may be single now and can do whatever she wants, OP being strung along or allowing himself to be for someone who cheated and has character flaws like she does reflects the OP's low self esteem and if I was him, I would work on that while cutting ties with her as the feeling of loss here seems to be one sided.


Not trying to be harsh, just putting my feelings in print


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> A good idea for when he gets his NEXT girlfriend.



exactly !!


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> She's a cake eater. You are her Plan B. Don't allow her to pigeon-hole you into that role.
> 
> From where I'm sitting, she doesn't sound worth the effort. JMO.


He isn't even plan B, just a living ATM. (and looks like her emotional pillow too)


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Howard P.Eng. said:


> Totally worth rescuing his family and relationship. Attachment is a very, very strong force with the children and years-in, there is a TON of pull to leverage.
> Gotta go all-in here.
> 
> *The Plan*
> ...


Is this a joke? This is the most pathetic, weak, undignified advice I’ve ever heard. 

This is a woman who cheated on him, betrayed him, divorced him to be with her lover, is currently with her lover/boyfriend and continues to dangle OP on a little string so she can use him as needed.

Wow.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Motivated said:


> I got divorced a few months ago after 10 years of marriage. We started out dating when I just got out of high school and she was still in high school. Marriage from a young age really took its toll on us and we got a divorce that we both had a hand in causing. The minute we separated I realized just how much she meant to me though and I've spent every minute since then trying to win her back. She tells me that my desperation has pushed her away more than helped.
> 
> I asked her two days ago on the phone if I'll ever get a second chance to make it right and she told me she doesn't know. She said she is not wanting to work on it right now but she isn't sure she won't in a few months or years. She is in a relationship at the moment but she said she would never marry the guy and that she doesn't see it being long-term. She said that he makes her feel wanted though which is something that I didn't do and she likes having him around. She said being with me right now would be permanent and she doesn't want permanent at the moment.
> 
> ...



She has moved on and she is just being nice to you or keeping you as plan C, trying to let you down gently. You are divorced, act like it, get your **** together and move on. First thing, go completely NO CONTACT. She is not your wife, not even your friend, she is someone you used to know.


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