# Need marriage advice- long situation inside



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

Hello everyone- Not sure if I am doing this more as a place to vent- Or if I can get some actual advice (other than just, get counseling, I know...). 

So a quick run down while being somewhat vague. Married 7 years, older kid I have full custody of young teenage), younger kid from this marriage. Married in my home town of over 30 years. Moved about 4 years ago to another state for her job. 

So I'll start with the easiest areas first- career. Before the move we made about the same money. I'm in sales and bounced around since. Finally in a good position where I should make the same as her. This comes up frequently in arguments. Her career has gone great. I look at it as, great, thats why we moved for your job. But it gets held over my head some by her about how successful she is while I havent been. 

Since the move 4 years ago- she has developed a very tight group of friends. All with kids the age of our youngest, and its a very close knit group. We recently moved about an hour away from them. I would say in our first two months away, she spent 50% of her weekends nights at their place. Not just at their house, but spending the night there. Our youngest will go with her to see friends. I dont like this, but I would get it if it were less frequent. They all drink a lot together too. She probably drinks the most. Even if I wanted to go for the evening (I wouldnt stay the night), my oldest kid has no desire to go hang around a bunch of kids 9-10 years younger. So I'm here in the new town with the oldest a lot. This leads to a frequent source of arguments, as I very much feel she puts her friends way above me and my child from the first marriage (whom she has known since 2 yrs old). She even missed his first sports event in the new town because she was in the old town partying with the old friends. We were both very upset about that. 

Which leads me to the biggest source of our problems now. About 2 weeks ago I discovered she was sexting with another guy, an old flame from high school. No pics or anything, at least I dont think. But they were planning to meet for drinks on a work trip they both were arranging to be in the same town at the same time for. The messages I discovered were not blatant about what would happen, but more like-what could happen if they met for drinks. If that makes sense? She's adamant that nothing would have happened and that it was all part of the flirting. I don't really buy it. Anyways, I contacted the guys wife and put an end to it. Back in December she was snap chatting with this guy, and I told her I thought it was inappropriate. She said it was innocent but acknowledged the nature of snapchat was not appropriate. Years ago, like maybe when we were dating even, I found out she was secretly arranging to meet this same guy on a trip back home. I saw that and ended it. 

Also, about a year into our marriage, I found a draft email that hadn't sent where she was arranging to meet a guy at a hotel for a weekend from college. This almost ended things there. She told me she was visiting a friend for the weekend. I found out about 2 weeks prior. We moved on and things on that end had been fine, at least I think, since then. 

So in the last two weeks, we've fought like crazy, made up, fought again. Typical stuff. I don't think she really cares that much to be honest. I told her my trust is destroyed and it will take time to rebuild. She seems to have the attitude of, you'll never trust me, why bother. Being that I don't trust her, I've become super snooper and amateur detective now too. Which sucks, I know. Like I started going through our cell phone stuff, which I never looked at. Which brings me to...last week after a trip back to her friends for the night in our old town, driving home she spoke for 1 hour to some guy I've never heard of. An old friend from college. She claims its purely innocent. I see they've spoke on the phone for about 4 hours over the past month. This is a guy I've never heard of until this month. Yet their old friends that talk this much. Makes no sense to me. I also found she texted him at 2am one night. I dont text anyone at that time. No idea what was in the text though. 

I also just got a traffic ticket in the mail where she ran a red light. Long story short but it led to her telling me that over the past few months she would tell me she was working late a few times when she was really at happy hour. Oh, and this weekend she had happy hour Friday night, Saturday night drunk night with her friends (and decided to stay with for the night at the beach), and Sunday night concert with coworkers where she came home so drunk she has no memory of it. Luckily no one was killed. 

So with all that- it kinda wraps up where I am at. I want to fix things for the family sake. I dont want to do that to our kids. I've been divorced and know what that is like. If it werent for the kids I would have been out the door two weeks ago. I'd like to fix things and make them better though, for us and the kids. Given her history, and her lack of concern now, I just dont know where to go or what to do. Shes locked up everything she can password wise and all that. She will no longer share the password to her phone. Part of me gets it, right? Like who wants a snoop around. But at the same time, I feel like she's lost that right, at least for a while. Stuff like that is driving me crazy and has my head spinning. 

Anyways, anyone with any decent, or even half-assed  advice I would be appreciative. Thanks for sticking til the end!


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

OK, so you divorced and married someone who is clearly not loyal or interested in you (anymore, or previously... i dont know)

There are enough red flags here that show that she is promiscuous... if you found THAT many clues just imagine how many you HAVENT found. All her weekend trips to your old town could have been to anyone's house along the way.

I really dont know what you are trying to fix though. She sounds like someone I wouldnt want to be married to


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Run.

I know that isn't realistic with your child from this marriage, but she has likely been cheating on you your entire marriage.

If you caught her twice, how many times has she gotten away with it? 

Oh, and the weekends with her "girlfriends"? How do you know she is where she says? How do you know she wasn't meeting him?

So, my initial, one word response stands: run.

Here is some extra advice:

Run fast.

Sorry you are here, brother.


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

All the weekend trips with the girlfriends and what not, she does always have our child with her. So I do know she's not stopping on the way or anything like that. I don't know that she doesn't drop our kid off to run errands or something during the trip, but I dont think thats likely. 

Oh, and said friends are having a party in two weeks. She is turning this into another weekend in the old town (again with youngest child). I'm invited, but have zero desire to go, and the oldest has -100 desire to go. But there is no conversation if she is going- its this is where I'll be and your welcome or not. Again, if I had been caught like she was, I would be bending over backwards to prove myself, rehab things, etc, but there is just zero concern.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> All the weekend trips with the girlfriends and what not, she does always have our child with her. So I do know she's not stopping on the way or anything like that. I don't know that she doesn't drop our kid off to run errands or something during the trip, but I dont think thats likely.
> 
> Oh, and said friends are having a party in two weeks. She is turning this into another weekend in the old town (again with youngest child). I'm invited, but have zero desire to go, and the oldest has -100 desire to go. But there is no conversation if she is going- its this is where I'll be and your welcome or not. Again, if I had been caught like she was, I would be bending over backwards to prove myself, rehab things, etc, but there is just zero concern.


you nailed it...you have a conscious, you have integrity, you have a desire to make the marriage work...she doesn't and she won't...she has not hit rock bottom with her drinking, frankly i would not let her any where near the kids if she is drinking...better yet, if i were you, and i knew she was driving drunk i would call the cops on her and let the police take care of her. because at the rate she is going she will either kill herself, and sadly taking someone else with her. She is a drunk...a drunk...let alone serial cheater, but more importantly a drunk.


----------



## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Gees, I was a cheater once upon a time, but was careful not to leave around so many clues. 

She has guy friends you don't know, and talks to them for a hours at a time? Texts at 2 am? What the hell is that?

Sexsts other men?!?! Makes plans to meet other men she has flirted with while out of town. 

Gets trashed at parties and doesn't make it home?!?!? *Drinks and drives*?!?! And seriously, I am not just talking about the black out drunk night, but all of those happy hours as well. Drinking and driving is the most selfish dirt bag thing someone can do in my book. 

But it appears we are looking at a track record of recklessly selfish behavior. 

I will tell you this much, I do not have kids (so I do not have the level of duty and responsibility she does). And I like to go out, I like to go to parties with my friends, and you know who else goes with me? MY HUSBAND. We don't do this "oh I am going to go have fun, you stay home and be responsible okay?" thing. 

From what I can tell - from what you have told us. Your wife has zero respect for you, and I would be very very surprised if she hasn't repeatedly cheated on you. She figures she can get away with it, and you have shown her she can.





theirrelevanthusband said:


> I also just got a traffic ticket in the mail where she ran a red light. Long story short but it led to her telling me that over the past few months she would tell me she was working late a few times when she was really at happy hour. Oh, and this weekend she had happy hour Friday night, Saturday night drunk night with her friends (and decided to stay with for the night at the beach), and Sunday night concert with coworkers where she came home so drunk she has no memory of it. Luckily no one was killed.


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

Oh, I left out one other little nugget. Around Christmas, she took the kids to see family in a neighboring state. I see a text in her phone from a guy I didn't know saying something about it was good to see you. I ask her about it and she says a group were supposed to meet but the other two (girls) cancelled last minute. I have her phone while asking this and message the guy back, and of course no one else was supposed to meet them. 

Now I'm 99 percent sure nothing happened here, but again it's the lying and she gets off on the flirtatious attention of these guys.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your wife is a serial cheating drunk who lies a lot. Why are you here? You know what you need to do.


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

If nothing else, this is helping me get it off my chest. I've confided in some close about the prioritizing friends over me and things like that. But never told others about the flirting and other guys things. When I see it all here, it is pretty crazy.

I always feel partially bad because it's not like I am perfect and, well it is snooping when I find this stuff. I haven't always been like that but sometimes you can just tell (like when your phone is dead and you ask to use theirs to make a call and they act like it's a live grenade).


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> So, your wife is a serial cheating drunk who lies a lot. Why are you here? You know what you need to do.


I don't know that she's actually cheated. Not sure if that even really matters, but with all the evidence I have found, I've never found that.


----------



## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Dude.... I am sorry, but really, I am not the betting type, but I would be pretty comfortably putting down $1,000 that she has been in contact with another mans penis. Likes the flirting and attention? And she has been MEETING these guys? 

Walks like a duck, talks like a duck.... and take it from this duck, I never left so many clues around, or was so brazen. 

How many men does she know and talk with, that you have no clue who they are?

I mean honestly, she is living the dream, gets to be single and party when she feels like, and have home married life with you when she feels like. 



theirrelevanthusband said:


> I always feel partially bad because it's not like I am perfect and, well it is snooping when I find this stuff. I haven't always been like that but sometimes you can just tell (like when your phone is dead and you ask to use theirs to make a call and they act like it's a live grenade).


This is like saying you feel bad you picked a dollar off the floor, after the bank robber dropped one on their way out with millions. 


If.... If I didn't already think your wife was cheating, I would say both of you should have absolute, no holds barred access to each other phones, and email, and internet history and so on. My husband and I have broken each other trust before - and this is what we have now. What is mine is yours, what is yours is mine. Our phones are practically interchangable. 

Oh and snap chat? What is she? A 19 year old party girl or? Oh yeah, a successful business woman who thinks she has the world by the balls right now. 

Look again... I have been there. I had a big promotion, I cleared 2x what my husband did. I was getting lots of attention from young guys - Power can go to our heads just like it can for men. I thought I could get away with anything... and I think your wife does too.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> I don't know that she's actually cheated. Not sure if that even really matters, but with all the evidence I have found, I've never found that.


I was a wayward wife in my first marriage. I know em when I see em. You know, too, you just don't want to know.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> I don't know that she's actually cheated. Not sure if that even really matters, but with all the evidence I have found, I've never found that.


OP, if you get a chance, read my threads. I like you thought I had control to save my marriage, with hard work, a will that wouldn't quit, forgiveness and a lot of prayer.

I went beyond a reasonable doubt to try and do the 'right' thing and each time "no good deed goes unpunished" was an understatement. 

You want to save your family but your wife has made that impossible. Even in my case and how it transpired and is almost at an end, I still am on the side of trying to save marriages at almost all cost to say you left it on the field, if I see a thread of hope, a will, a way. Then there are instances like this, where you wife's carefree, careless, inconsiderate and downright disrespectful lifestyle leaves no room for doubt that this will never be good for you. People like this lack fortitude and the ability to be a genuinely good person. The only thing that makes this easy is how sloppy she is at being a cheater. In my case, my wife would deny things even when I had the evidence right in front of her face and would still swear to God it wasn't true (a devout Catholic) mind you. 

Time to see a lawyer and save your family that members in it that are innocent of this.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I shouldnthave said:


> Gees, I was a cheater once upon a time, but was careful not to leave around so many clues.


What's your story? Why don't you tell us what changed you.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There's More red flags here than at a Mexicali bullfight!

Methinks that your W has developed an affinity for that younger, stiffer stuff, if you know what I mean! You've been covertly relegated by her to "Plan B" status!

If I were you, I'd be visiting with a good family attorney to be assessed of all of my legal and custodial rights!*


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

In her defense everytime I've caught her doing this stuff it's been someone out of town where things would be difficult to impossible for things to happen. 

There's two theories I have to that. One, she loves the attention and fantasy of it all. (Yeah, yeah, that's probably wishful and naive, I know). Two, there are others that are close by that I just don't know about. The problem with that is she has been very sloppy hiding stuff. It would have to be a married work colleague or friend...which just seems unlikely. 

So I'm probably a sucker and naive, everyone on here seems to have zero doubts, but I'm still not sure on the end result. Of course, I'm still not sure how much that matters. I think a random drunken hook up is easier than a drawn out emotional affair.


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

A lot of people say they're going to stay in untenable marriages for "the sake of the kids." Sometimes that really is the primary motivation. However, sometimes that's a convenient excuse to hide behind because it sounds honorable. The real reason a lot of people stay is because they're afraid for themselves, which is understandable to a degree. I would challenge you to do so some hard work and discern what your true barrier to ending your marriage is and then proceed accordingly. Sorry for this mess your in btw. Very sad stuff.


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> So with all that- it kinda wraps up where I am at. I want to fix things for the family sake. I dont want to do that to our kids. I've been divorced and know what that is like. *If it werent for the kids I would have been out the door two weeks ago. * I'd like to fix things and make them better though, for us and the kids. Given her history, and her lack of concern now, I just dont know where to go or what to do.


Let me guess, if it weren't for the kids you also wouldn't be codependent, wouldn't be naive, wouldn't lack conflict resolution skills, wouldn't lack boundaries, wouldn't fail to demand to be treated with respect and wouldn't have chosen to be with a woman who's been trying to **** another man way before you even married her. 

The children are not the reason you have chosen to address your situation so poorly, your problems outlined above are. That's what got you into this situation to begin with.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> You know, too, you just don't want to know.


He does know, he just doesn't want to admit it.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

TIH,

You have caught your wife multiple times trying to set up a **** date with another man.

She calls other men for hours on end.

She sexts other men. 

She texts other men at 2am.

She spends whole weekends away from home with her friends. 

She sleeps overnight at other people's houses. 

She gets blistering drunk with her friends. 

She drinks and drives. 

She holds over your head the fact that you supported her in her career and don't make as much money as her because of it. 

The list goes on and in and on.

I hate to be rude, but you need a 2x4.

What in the actual ****? Why in the hell would you spend your time in the presence of someone who holds absolutely nothing but contempt for you.

She doesn't love you, hell she don't even like you from the sounds of it. I at least will ghost someone I don't like. I don't treat them as less than dog**** stuck in the tread of my boots.

Your woman picker is severely and utterly broke. You would have better luck with and get more loyalty from a heroine addict you pick up off the streets.

You know divorce isn't scary. So what the hell are you waiting for? You have kids to protect. Are you waiting until she gives you a death sentence from some damn STD she gives you? Are you waiting for her to kill someone from driving drunk and lose everything you have?.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so harsh, but you, your livelihood, and your children are in clear and present danger from this ****ing selfish lunatic you are married to. At least protect your kids.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> So I'm probably a sucker and naive, everyone on here seems to have zero doubts, but I'm still not sure on the end result. Of course, I'm still not sure how much that matters. I think a random drunken hook up is easier than a drawn out emotional affair.


What exactly do you need to happen for you to see that she has been screwing a host of men for your entire marraige. I mean not to be rude but do you need some type of gangbang video or something? 

I mean you need for a PI to video tape everything or what man. 

Your wife is a bicycle and everyone has taken a ride, though out your entire marriage. 

I mean really? You don't understand what is going on here. When is the last time you had an STD test? 

Really????


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> Let me guess, if it weren't for the kids you also wouldn't be codependent, wouldn't be naive, wouldn't lack conflict resolution skills, wouldn't lack boundaries, wouldn't fail to demand to be treated with respect and wouldn't have chosen to be with a woman who's been trying to **** another man way before you even married her.
> 
> The children are not the reason you have chosen to address your situation so poorly, your problems outlined above are. That's what got you into this situation to begin with.


There is a lot of truth there. Thanks. 

I think we are going to go to counseling. Trying to set that up. Whats odd is she suggested two weeks ago, I told her to set it up. Last week it came up again, and she told me I never agreed to it. I told her I did, and to set it up (it would go through her insurance). Last night the exact same conversation. Either she is drunk more than I realize and hides it, or she doesn't really want counseling as much as she acted like. I mean, I'm pretty sure a counselor, with all that has been going on, isn't going to tell me to back off and trust my wife.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> I was a wayward wife in my first marriage. I know em when I see em. You know, too, you just don't want to know.


QFT.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> There is a lot of truth there. Thanks.
> 
> I think we are going to go to counseling. Trying to set that up. Whats odd is she suggested two weeks ago, I told her to set it up. Last week it came up again, and she told me I never agreed to it. I told her I did, and to set it up (it would go through her insurance). Last night the exact same conversation. Either she is drunk more than I realize and hides it, or she doesn't really want counseling as much as she acted like. I mean, I'm pretty sure a counselor, with all that has been going on, isn't going to tell me to back off and trust my wife.


She is playing you.

She doesn't want to go to counseling.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Divorce

Or play this game the rest of your life


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I see you are a new member on this forum... if you spend some time in the 'infidelity' subgroup you will find your story happening dozens of times:

"my wife is chating with men, but not having sex b/c theres no logical way she could and I can just feel it"
3-4 pages later (after advice from this forum) they find proof of physical affair

You are so close to this that you are having trouble disconnecting and seeing things clearly. Maybe its self preservation b/c the thought of a physical affair will result in a future (and pain) you dont want to deal with..

All of her reasons sound like cheaters excuses... Theres no way that this women is meeting this many men and not doing something


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> I see you are a new member on this forum... if you spend some time in the 'infidelity' subgroup you will find your story happening dozens of times:
> 
> "my wife is chating with men, but not having sex b/c theres no logical way she could and I can just feel it"
> 3-4 pages later (after advice from this forum) they find proof of physical affair
> ...


I completely get what your saying. However I only know of one time she secretly met with someone. And I know nothing happened there (because I know the time frame/location and that is the one I texted from her phone and found out she was lying about it being a group thing). Now, I don't know a good reason why I would secretly meet with a girl from high school behind her back...so there was at a minimum flirting or hoping it lead to something in the future. The 3 other times (damn, writing that seems ridiculous), I found out before any meeting. 

I guess I don't know that she is secretly meeting with all these men, just that I know she is lying about conversations/texting/social media that stuff. But again, you typically don't do that unless you have something to have. 

Yes, I am talking myself in circles.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She is a drunk s-l-u-t. What more do you want to know?


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> I completely get what your saying. However I only know of one time she secretly met with someone. And I know nothing happened there (because I know the time frame/location and that is the one I texted from her phone and found out she was lying about it being a group thing). Now, I don't know a good reason why I would secretly meet with a girl from high school behind her back...so there was at a minimum flirting or hoping it lead to something in the future. The 3 other times (damn, writing that seems ridiculous), I found out before any meeting.
> 
> I guess I don't know that she is secretly meeting with all these men, just that I know she is lying about conversations/texting/social media that stuff. But again, you typically don't do that unless you have something to have.
> 
> Yes, I am talking myself in circles.


What kind of timeline are you figuring out?
Do you know how long it can take for a quick oral/sex session? I can get one done in 5 minutes. 

Dont assume affairs include 30 minutes of foreplay, 60 minutes of sex, and 20 minutes of cuddling. There is excitement and heat and sometimes all those things can be skipped for the main event


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

Nah, when I was on his her phone replying to the "It was nice seeing you" comment, I replied back something like...Hope I didn't cross a line...or something to that effect. He replied back..."just two old friends having lunch and some drinks, no biggie". That pretty much destroyed any hint of anything physical happening in my head.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> In her defense everytime I've caught her doing this stuff it's been someone out of town where things would be difficult to impossible for things to happen.
> 
> Tahere's two theories I have to that. One, she loves the attention and fantasy of it all. (Yeah, yeah, that's probably wishful and naive, I know). Two, there are others that are close by that I just don't know about. The problem with that is she has been very sloppy hiding stuff. It would have to be a married work colleague or friend...which just seems unlikely.
> 
> So I'm probably a sucker and naive, everyone on here seems to have zero doubts, but I'm still not sure on the end result. Of course, I'm still not sure how much that matters. I think a random drunken hook up is easier than a drawn out emotional affair.


You are in denial and well on your way to achieving doormat status. 

You really want to spend your life looking over your shoulder trying to fend off one man after another? Geese man


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> Nah, when I was on his her phone replying to the "It was nice seeing you" comment, I replied back something like...Hope I didn't cross a line...or something to that effect. He replied back..."just two old friends having lunch and some drinks, no biggie". That pretty much destroyed any hint of anything physical happening in my head.


I hope that you pm me later when you find out how many other men your wife has been screwing. 

Because I want you to member this post.... You are completely and totally delusional in every sense of the word. You are acting like you "Know" all of these things. You know nothing. 

What about all the other 150 times that you did not catch the text or she deleted them before you saw them. 

Really, you cannot be this stupid, so you have to be in some kind of delusional alternative universe that the rest of us are not privy to...


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> Nah, when I was on his her phone replying to the "It was nice seeing you" comment, I replied back something like...Hope I didn't cross a line...or something to that effect. He replied back..."just two old friends having lunch and some drinks, no biggie". That pretty much destroyed any hint of anything physical happening in my head.


OK, so what about all the connections you are not aware of..

Most importantly.. why does she have so many male friends but doesnt seem to want to spend time with her husband?


----------



## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> Long story short but it led to her telling me that over the past few months *she would tell me she was working late a few times when she was really at happy hour. * Oh, and this weekend she had happy hour Friday night, Saturday night drunk night with her friends (and decided to stay with for the night at the beach), and Sunday night concert with coworkers where she came home so drunk she has no memory of it. Luckily no one was killed.





theirrelevanthusband said:


> I* However I only know of one time she secretly met with someone*. And I know nothing happened there (because I know the time frame/location and that is the one I texted from her phone and found out she was lying about it being a group thing). Now, I don't know a good reason why I would secretly meet with a girl from high school behind her back...so there was at a minimum flirting or hoping it lead to something in the future. The 3 other times (damn, writing that seems ridiculous), I found out before any meeting.


Dude - you act like you know where she is all the time - When she had admitted to lying to your face about her whereabouts! Do you really think she followed the lie with the truth? My bets on another lie!! 

Let see.....



She spent 50% of her weekends nights at their place. 

She probably drinks the most. 

She even missed his first sports event in the new town because she was in the old town partying with the old friends. 

she was sexting with another guy, 

they were planning to meet for drinks on a work trip they both were arranging to be in the same town at the same time for. 

adamant that nothing would have happened and that it was all part of the *flirting*. 

she was snap chatting with this guy, 

she was secretly arranging to meet this guy on a trip back home

I found a draft email that hadn't sent where she was arranging to meet a guy at a hotel for a weekend from college. 

she spoke for 1 hour to some guy I've never heard of. 

she texted him at 2am one night.

How do you allow any of this? Why do you let this be okay? Could you imagine doing these things yourself? Snap chatting with women, flirting with women, meeting women for drinks, making arrangements to meet women at hotels. 

I mean REALLY?!? Here, if she has nothing to hide, then she should hide nothing. Ask her to hand over her phone and all password. 

Check out her google time line in maps. If she is like most of us that thing tracks EVERYWHERE you go 24/7. Review it. If location services have been turned off, or show blank days - she has explaining to do - But not really, because she is just going to lie to you, you have proven yourself very easy to lie to. You don't call her out on her BS - so she walks all over you.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Work affairs are the hardest to catch and the hardest to detect. Most are never found out. 

Just food for thought


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

So chalk one up to "I told you so" on here. Found out the guy she was talking to for an hour last week is an ex-boyfriend from college. Not the original story I was told. She still sees it as no big deal, that it was just a platonic conversation. 

Also, her new group of friends (all just met in the past 1-3 years), one just left her husband, was actively sexting and carrying on side business that my wife told me about. Even brought a random guy friend to a group outing with all of us before leaving her husband as her date (not romantically we were told), but come to find out the husband didn't know. Another of this group of 4 is actively texting, I don't know to what extent, an ex boyfriend from her hometown. When I found out about all this months ago, I told her I didn't like it as even if they weren't actively encouraging this behavior from her, them doing it would eventually make it ok or a consideration for her. And months later here I am.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> So chalk one up to "I told you so" on here. Found out the guy she was talking to for an hour last week is an ex-boyfriend from college. Not the original story I was told. She still sees it as no big deal, that it was just a platonic conversation.
> 
> Also, her new group of friends (all just met in the past 1-3 years), one just left her husband, was actively sexting and carrying on side business that my wife told me about. Even brought a random guy friend to a group outing with all of us before leaving her husband as her date (not romantically we were told), but come to find out the husband didn't know. Another of this group of 4 is actively texting, I don't know to what extent, an ex boyfriend from her hometown. When I found out about all this months ago, I told her I didn't like it as even if they weren't actively encouraging this behavior from her, them doing it would eventually make it ok or a consideration for her. And months later here I am.


I applaud your courage for admitting this to everyone. 

Now, you start to see why we say the things we say, when to the uninformed eye, How could we know. 

We know because we have Freaking Been through all this crap before. 

So now do you understand that she is physically cheating on you? Now do you understand why we said you are being a doormat? Now do you understand why you need to file for divorce? 

If not tell us that and we will explain it AGAIN...


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> There is a lot of truth there. Thanks.
> 
> I think we are going to go to counseling. Trying to set that up. Whats odd is she suggested two weeks ago, I told her to set it up. Last week it came up again, and she told me I never agreed to it. I told her I did, and to set it up (it would go through her insurance). Last night the exact same conversation. Either she is drunk more than I realize and hides it, or she doesn't really want counseling as much as she acted like. I mean, I'm pretty sure a counselor, with all that has been going on, isn't going to tell me to back off and trust my wife.


This is no way to live and nothing that marriage counseling can fix. The best thing for you to do is to start living life again, improve your self-esteem, and find the strength to leave. Do this while you are still young enough to have a real second chance in life.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your whole situation.

Listen to what everyone is telling you.

At this point your wife is too far gone to change. The only thing you can change/control is YOU.

Yes it is scary and you never wanted to be here, but you are.

Take a breath. Now take charge of your own life and do what you need to for yourself.

No matter what that is, do it for you and your kids.

Good luck.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> So chalk one up to "I told you so" on here. Found out the guy she was talking to for an hour last week is an ex-boyfriend from college. Not the original story I was told. She still sees it as no big deal, that it was just a platonic conversation.
> 
> Also, her new group of friends (all just met in the past 1-3 years), one just left her husband, was actively sexting and carrying on side business that my wife told me about. Even brought a random guy friend to a group outing with all of us before leaving her husband as her date (not romantically we were told), but come to find out the husband didn't know. Another of this group of 4 is actively texting, I don't know to what extent, an ex boyfriend from her hometown. When I found out about all this months ago, I told her I didn't like it as even if they weren't actively encouraging this behavior from her, them doing it would eventually make it ok or a consideration for her. And months later here I am.


Birds of a feather.

Your wife has a group of friends that are cheaters. You don't think that agenda is pushed among friends? You think that they won't encourage her to sow her wild oats? You think that will rat her out to you?

Your wife travels with a glorified orgy group, FFS!
This also shows me your wife's moral compass.

This thread belong in the coping with infidelity section.
You would get better advise there.

You need to get smart and file.
She's a serial cheater.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> In her defense everytime I've caught her doing this stuff it's been someone out of town where things would be difficult to impossible for things to happen.
> 
> There's two theories I have to that. One, she loves the attention and fantasy of it all. (Yeah, yeah, that's probably wishful and naive, I know). Two, there are others that are close by that I just don't know about. The problem with that is she has been very sloppy hiding stuff. It would have to be a married work colleague or friend...which just seems unlikely.
> 
> So I'm probably a sucker and naive, everyone on here seems to have zero doubts, but I'm still not sure on the end result. Of course, I'm still not sure how much that matters. I think a random drunken hook up is easier than a drawn out emotional affair.


You would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book explains a lot about affairs and has a plan for dealing with them.

In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is what you would do for about 2 weeks. The example of Plan A in the book lasts a lot longer than 2 weeks. Most people can only do it for about 2 weeks. So, don't do plan A. Go right to Plan B. Plan B is what you do until either she ends all this nonsense and agrees to work on your marriage or you get to the point where you have fallen out of move and are ready to file for divorce.

The reason I suggest the book is that beside Plan A and Plan B, it talks about what you need to do... expose the affairs and her bad behavior; what you need to demand from her in order for you to remain in this marriage, etc.

For one thing she has to give you all her passwords to all of her devices. She does not get to have passwords and secrets. That's not what marriage is about. Oh, and you have to share your passwords with her as well.

Here is a webpage about "*Radical Honesty*" and more "*Radical Honesty*"

Check out the links in my signature block below. The links to Plan B and 180 are where you should be now. 

Your wife is not ready or willing to reconcile at this point. She's in a fog where she thinks you will stay with her while she plays around. That's nuts. You need to let her know that until she agrees to return to the marriage, you are not going to even consider reconciliation. 

Read the book. Do Plan B (similar to the 180)


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* theirrelevanthusband
Now I'm 99 percent sure nothing happened .....*

I think everyone on this forum sees it the other way. To me there is a 99.9% chance she is in multiple affairs and some or most are sexual.

She can get her friends to look after the younger child real easy. Kids play together and time goes by with both or all the kids non the wiser.


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

theirrelevanthusband said:


> Hello everyone- Not sure if I am doing this more as a place to vent- Or if I can get some actual advice (other than just, get counseling, I know...).
> 
> So a quick run down while being somewhat vague. Married 7 years, older kid I have full custody of young teenage), younger kid from this marriage. Married in my home town of over 30 years. Moved about 4 years ago to another state for her job.
> 
> ...


Dude, why are you even still married to her? She has gone so, so far over the line and has bailed on you and the marriage and has probably had several affairs on you already. She's only fessing up to what you've directly caught. Overnighting in other cities while out drinking and sexting other guys and meeting up but of course, it was all innocent, she wasn't going to have sex. 

Dude, what is there to talk about. She's betrayed you and broken the seal of your marriage, what make is exclusive and unique. She's broken her vows and has chosen her friends, drinking and other men over you and the kids. 

Why would you even want her back? Doesn't she disgust you now? This is an easy situation where divorce is the only option.....unless you just like being a weak, cuckhold who shares his wife with other men.


----------



## theirrelevanthusband (Apr 23, 2018)

I am going to see what a VAR turns up as well. That should give me more confirmation/proof.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, you may not enjoy it but all those 2x4 hitting you in the head are for your own benefit.
Whenever I read posts like yours, I think back to when I came to this forum. I was so much in denial - "not MY wife! She would never do anything like THAT!"
I do not know whether my ex was or wasn't having an affair(s). I have no idea whether your's is either. What I do know is that she has moved on, just as mine did.
At this point you need to understand there is NOTHING you can do about it. So your best course of action is boot her azz to the curb and get on with your life. Honestly if I have any regrets about how things went down in my life, it was that I hadn't been man enough to do what I knew (even at the time) I needed to do. Instead I doubled down on the whole I-will-do-anything-to-save-my-marriage schtick. In the end it didn't matter anyways. Had I been a stronger person earlier I would have called her out on her BS and saved myself years of pain and suffering. 
She would have either understood I was serious and made an effort or more likely she would have still bolted. But either way I wouldn't have gone thru the years of self doubt and pain that I went thru.
Don't make the same mistakes I did.


----------

