# I'm sharing my husband with my in-laws



## silentgypsy (Sep 8, 2017)

We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 2 ½. I love him dearly but we have a problem. I feel like I’m sharing him with his family (my in-laws).

Here’s one of the incident that stands out:
I have the flu with 101 F fever. I’m coughing like crazy and couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. At this time, we were staying with his uncle who is an hour away from the house that my SIL and her boyfriend shares. My SIL and her son got the cold too so my husband decided to go stay with them coz somebody has to take care of them. He left me that night, and the next day was our first wedding anniversary. I felt betrayed. I left everything to be with him and he chose to take care of his sick sister and nephew instead of me. We had this big fight about it and all he could say was “What am I supposed to do when the mother and child were sick too?” I said “You chose your wife and let your sister’s boyfriend take care of them (his family).”
My husband used to be in the military and is now retired. He was in multiple deployments. His personal property? His 1996 Toyota Corolla. What happened with all his paycheck? His parents own a 300k house & a 2005 GMC Yukon thanks to him. His sister owned a 2004 mustang gt convertible thanks to my husband in exchange that she finishes college. What did his sister do? Dropped out college and runaway with a guy. Husband has been more than generous to his family. He promised that I would be the priority when we got married. I feel like he is breaking his promise.

His parents constantly ask for monetary help. His sister will buy a new Michael Kors bag (she has a nice and big collection) instead of buying groceries. His sister will then ask for help because “his son doesn’t have food to eat”. I hate arguing about money but we do. I want the best for both of us but his family is sucking us dry. I just started a job and makes more than he does. I bought us a car we can share while looking for a house we can call home. I don’t have savings. I pay most of the bills because I want him to save his money for our future home. I came to find out today that he just touched our savings to send ‘emergency money’ to his sister because she didn’t have money to buy canned goods to prepare for the coming hurricane. He did all this before telling me.

What should I do? I am upset but more importantly, I am tired.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Run.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Make damn sure he has ZERO access to your money, if you dont already, you need to get your own account. Knowing how he is, how can you possibly expect that he is going to save money for a house for the two of you? That is naive of you, you should know better. 

I would be pissed as hell if my husband left me home sick to go take care of his sister instead of me.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> I would be pissed as hell if my husband left me home sick to go take care of his sister instead of me.


Indeed. Of all the reprehensible behavior in the original post, for some reason that's the one that leaped out at me, even moreso than the financial buffoonery, which has more long term impact.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What percentage of your joint income do you bring in?

Do the two of you have joint finances, or separate?

If he paying at least half of your (both yours and his) bills/expenses?


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## silentgypsy (Sep 8, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Make damn sure he has ZERO access to your money, if you dont already, you need to get your own account. Knowing how he is, how can you possibly expect that he is going to save money for a house for the two of you? That is naive of you, you should know better.
> 
> I would be pissed as hell if my husband left me home sick to go take care of his sister instead of me.


Wishful thinking that he'd do it for our future. I guess there's no chance of changing his ways.



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Indeed. Of all the reprehensible behavior in the original post, for some reason that's the one that leaped out at me, even moreso than the financial buffoonery, which has more long term impact.



I have never told a soul about that time he left me when I was sick. I really thought I was insane to even feel upset about it. He is surprised that I would not let that go. Was I petty that I will never forget that he did that to me?
That incident was brought up recently and he told me, "it just dawned to me that if it's a matter of life and death and I have to choose who to save, that I have to let my family die because I HAVE TO CHOOSE YOU." I told him, "when you married me, I became YOUR family."

I just opened up my own account.


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## silentgypsy (Sep 8, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What percentage of your joint income do you bring in?
> 
> Do the two of you have joint finances, or separate?
> 
> If he paying at least half of your (both yours and his) bills/expenses?


We have joint account, where the savings should go. I just opened up my own account where I will redirect my paycheck. I don't touch any of his pension.

He pays for the rent and electric bill. I pay for phone line, internet, and everyday necessities and luxuries like going out to eat, shopping.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I think you should have a chat with him about what the definition of marriage is to HIM.
Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and you left him TOTALLY ALONE when he was sick with the flu?
It shouldn't be this hard for him. Does he get from you what you are expecting back from him? 
If not, ask him why he thinks the disparity is okay.

Some people are slow to realize that being half of a partnership means you also have to GIVE as well as receive.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

silentgypsy said:


> Wishful thinking that he'd do it for our future. I guess there's no chance of changing his ways.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The failure to make the transition from one family to the other has always baffled me. As I grew up, I felt a very keen and very strong bond in my immediate family (father, mother, brother and myself). When I got married, rather than think my primary connection had to remain with them, it instantly transitioned to my wife, and subsequently our three children--so in essence, I followed the example I grew up with. 
To keep the original biological family at the center is, ironically, to abandon the original template. I'm a huge believer in the spousal relationship taking precedence over anything that came before.

That's not to say I abandoned or neglected my original biological family. There's room in my heart and my schedule for both, and then some. But my first and foremost priority since "I Do" has been to honor and nurture the marriage, and the woman who entered into it with me. I could never, ever, ever, think of leaving my wife at a time of sickness or discomfort. Of course, I could never imagine tapping into the finances of the family I created to support the family I originally came from. His parents and sibling are all adults responsible for their own financial situations. They have ZERO claim on the resources earned since you two exchanged rings. 

Kudos for getting your own account. Manage it well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

silentgypsy said:


> Wishful thinking that he'd do it for our future. I guess there's no chance of changing his ways.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What did he say when you told him that?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

silentgypsy said:


> I hate arguing about money but we do. *I want the best for both of us *but his family is sucking us dry. I just started a job and makes more than he does.* I bought us a car *we can share while looking for a house we can call home. I don’t have savings. I pay most of the bills because I want him to save his money for our future home. *I came to find out today that he just touched our savings to send ‘emergency money’ to his sister *because she didn’t have money to buy canned goods to prepare for the coming hurricane. He did all this before telling me.
> 
> What should I do? I am upset but more importantly, I am tired.


What do you do? You immediately take the "us" and "our" out of any money and assets and divide it into "me" and "him." Seriously.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

silentgypsy said:


> We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 2 ½. I love him dearly but we have a problem. I feel like I’m sharing him with his family (my in-laws).
> 
> Here’s one of the incident that stands out:
> I have the flu with 101 F fever. I’m coughing like crazy and couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. At this time, we were staying with his uncle who is an hour away from the house that my SIL and her boyfriend shares. My SIL and her son got the cold too so my husband decided to go stay with them coz somebody has to take care of them. He left me that night, and the next day was our first wedding anniversary. I felt betrayed. I left everything to be with him and he chose to take care of his sick sister and nephew instead of me. We had this big fight about it and all he could say was “What am I supposed to do when the mother and child were sick too?” I said “You chose your wife and let your sister’s boyfriend take care of them (his family).”
> ...


Time for tough love. 

Separate your banking accounts so he can't get to your money. 

What ever the amount was in savings before he took the money out for his sister, take half and open a new savings account with it. 

Give him half of the bills a tell him he is responsible for them. 

Let him know he is responsible for buying groceries every other week.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that you need to separate your finances. But.. he can still get his hands into your income/savings because legally it's all his too.

Has he ever co-signed a loan for a family member? Or taken out a loan for them?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am usually all for joint bank accounts, but in this case no. I would make sure that you pay 50% each of all bills, that you have your own account, and a separate savings account for a house that you both pay into that cant be touched unless you BOTH sign for it. 

it may be an idea if you can get some MC help to sort this out. He is being used by his family and he is enabling their irresponsibility. He hasn't cut the emotional ties to his family.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

silentgypsy said:


> We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 2 ½. I love him dearly but we have a problem. I feel like I’m sharing him with his family (my in-laws).
> 
> Here’s one of the incident that stands out:
> I have the flu with 101 F fever. I’m coughing like crazy and couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. At this time, we were staying with his uncle who is an hour away from the house that my SIL and her boyfriend shares. My SIL and her son got the cold too so my husband decided to go stay with them coz somebody has to take care of them. He left me that night, and the next day was our first wedding anniversary. I felt betrayed. I left everything to be with him and he chose to take care of his sick sister and nephew instead of me. We had this big fight about it and all he could say was “What am I supposed to do when the mother and child were sick too?” I said “You chose your wife and let your sister’s boyfriend take care of them (his family).”
> ...


Did you not know this about him before he got married? How old are you both? From now on start saving your money separately, insist he pays half of everything for your living expenses. Alternatively, you pay for yourself not for him and do the savings, that way he will be forced to pay the bills. He is not saving, he will eventually spend it all on his family. He needs to see what he is doing. A more drastic measure is to move out and get your own place and take care of yourself. He does not know how to take care of a wife. 
It may be time to call it quits tbh.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

silentgypsy said:


> What should I do? I am upset but more importantly, I am tired.


Come on - do you seriously need to even *ask* this question?

Just think - if you get married, your asset portfolio will now include a car older than God _and_ a broke husband you'll ALWAYS have to support because he's so busy letting his leech family suck him dry.

Oh joy.

ETA: Oh crap, I missed the part where you already married him.

Separate accounts and a post-nup. The faster, the better.


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## sissyphus (Feb 1, 2012)

you should come first. everyone else should take second place. period


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

silentgypsy said:


> Wishful thinking that he'd do it for our future. I guess there's no chance of changing his ways.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Sorry, did he actually say "I have to chose you"?

Not I would chose you. 

Is it out of love? Or is it out of duty because he is married to you?

This is a play on words I know but the meaning of what he said is the difference between night and day.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Come on - do you seriously need to even *ask* this question?
> 
> Just think - if you get married, your asset portfolio will now include a car older than God _and_ a broke husband you'll ALWAYS have to support because he's so busy letting his leech family suck him dry.
> 
> ...


I hate when I do this. :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omfg...I'm speechless.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Sorry, did he actually say "I have to chose you"?
> 
> Not I would chose you.
> 
> ...


Ya, this stood out glaringly to me too. Its not a play on words, this is exactly what he means... he resents you. He doesnt have any idea what marriage is about and never should have entered into it. That statement right there IN MY OPINION is grounds for divorce, no question. He sees you as a burden.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ya, this stood out glaringly to me too. Its not a play on words, this is exactly what he means... he resents you. He doesnt have any idea what marriage is about and never should have entered into it. That statement right there IN MY OPINION is grounds for divorce, no question. He sees you as a burden.


I took it the same way.

IMO, the statement was made because he was saying that according to HER, he HAS TO choose her over his family. And he is not ok with the idea of putting her ahead of his family.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Men like this, will never be "yours." They'll always be too busy saving everyone's childish arse and you'll get crumbs for the rest of your life.

The irony is the best way to save someone is to let them learn how to save themselves (if they're perfectly capable of doing so).

Let him go and find a man who has his priorities straight about marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The failure to make the transition from one family to the other has always baffled me. As I grew up, I felt a very keen and very strong bond in my immediate family (father, mother, brother and myself). When I got married, rather than think my primary connection had to remain with them, it instantly transitioned to my wife, and subsequently our three children--so in essence, I followed the example I grew up with.
> To keep the original biological family at the center is, ironically, to abandon the original template. I'm a huge believer in the spousal relationship taking precedence over anything that came before.
> 
> That's not to say I abandoned or neglected my original biological family. There's room in my heart and my schedule for both, and then some. But my first and foremost priority since "I Do" has been to honor and nurture the marriage, and the woman who entered into it with me. I could never, ever, ever, think of leaving my wife at a time of sickness or discomfort. Of course, I could never imagine tapping into the finances of the family I created to support the family I originally came from. His parents and sibling are all adults responsible for their own financial situations. They have ZERO claim on the resources earned since you two exchanged rings.
> ...



Some men take years to make the transition. My h only did after we had been married 6 years with two kids and when we moved from his home country so I guess I had to be his immediate family.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree with the other posters here... this is unacceptable, and he sees you as a burden, rather than _choosing_ you as his first responsibility and loyalty. (Which is what marriage is meant to be.)

If you don't draw a hard boundary with him and MAKE him understand that he is damaging your marriage with this behavior, it will never stop. And, sadly, if he doesn't already understand it, it's likely that he never will. So, the question to ask yourself, is this something you're willing to put up with the rest of your life? Because, as one other poster put it, even if you open account sin your own name, he still has legal access to that money, because it's marital property.

Have you ever seen the movie _This is 40_? I just saw it yesterday, and it's an awful, awful movie (I normally love Judd Apatow's stuff, as misogynistic as it can be, it's still funny, but this movie was BAD). BUT!!! I think there's a very good lesson in it for you. I'll try not to go into too much detail, but the family is facing a financial crisis; he owns an independent music label which is facing bankruptcy (because he has made a number of bad financial/business decision), and she owns a clothing boutique which should be doing well, but is barely breaking even (not because she messed up the business, but because one of her employees/managers has been stealing a LOT of money, and it took them a while to discover it). Which they could have weathered ok, because they had a healthy emergency fund--or so the wife thinks, until she discovers that her husband has been financially bailing out HIS father/family for years... to the tune of $80,000. Which means they are in a position that they have to sell their house, except that this is in 2010, and their house is significantly underwater, and so if they sell the house, they might get back enough to pay off the mortgage, but not to save the business or replenish their emergency fund.

It sounds like an extreme case, but something like this could happen to you, if you don't establish boundaries and put an end to your husband's behavior now. He is compromising the health of your marriage and your financial future, and you need to find a way to make him see that. If he can't, then you will have to consider if you want to stay in this marriage.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Please be very careful with your money and try to make sure that for the foreseeable future you each pay half towards all expenses so that it's fair. I paid for just about everything in my marriage because my H stopped working and the only income he had was what his retired father was sending him. This resulted in me paying all the bills, my savings being totally trashed and spending the last year of our marriage desperate to leave as he became increasingly more abusive, but unable to save the money to do so because all my income went on paying our rent and bills. I eventually managed to leave because my best friend sent me the money to do so when the abuse became physical. 

By all means, stay with your H while you try to sort out your problems if that's what you want, but make sure all expenses are divided 50/50 and, in the meantime, save up some money for you for the future in case you should need to leave.


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## silentgypsy (Sep 8, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> I think you should have a chat with him about what the definition of marriage is to HIM.
> Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and you left him TOTALLY ALONE when he was sick with the flu?
> It shouldn't be this hard for him. Does he get from you what you are expecting back from him?
> If not, ask him why he thinks the disparity is okay.
> ...





Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The failure to make the transition from one family to the other has always baffled me. As I grew up, I felt a very keen and very strong bond in my immediate family (father, mother, brother and myself). When I got married, rather than think my primary connection had to remain with them, it instantly transitioned to my wife, and subsequently our three children--so in essence, I followed the example I grew up with.
> To keep the original biological family at the center is, ironically, to abandon the original template. I'm a huge believer in the spousal relationship taking precedence over anything that came before.
> 
> That's not to say I abandoned or neglected my original biological family. There's room in my heart and my schedule for both, and then some. But my first and foremost priority since "I Do" has been to honor and nurture the marriage, and the woman who entered into it with me. I could never, ever, ever, think of leaving my wife at a time of sickness or discomfort. Of course, I could never imagine tapping into the finances of the family I created to support the family I originally came from. His parents and sibling are all adults responsible for their own financial situations. They have ZERO claim on the resources earned since you two exchanged rings.
> ...





Diana7 said:


> I am usually all for joint bank accounts, but in this case no. I would make sure that you pay 50% each of all bills, that you have your own account, and a separate savings account for a house that you both pay into that cant be touched unless you BOTH sign for it.
> 
> it may be an idea if you can get some MC help to sort this out. He is being used by his family and he is enabling their irresponsibility. He hasn't cut the emotional ties to his family.





ABHale said:


> Time for tough love.
> 
> Separate your banking accounts so he can't get to your money.
> 
> ...


Thank you guys for your input. He feels that his family is his responsibility, being the eldest child. You guys are right, his family are perfectly capable adults responsible for their own welfare. If he continues to enable them and neglects our well-being as a married couple, the time will come that when we are in need and NO ONE will rescue us the way he does for them.

His reason for "helping" is that we are financially well-off than any of his family. He is nice...too nice and generous when it comes to his family.




EleGirl said:


> I agree that you need to separate your finances. But.. he can still get his hands into your income/savings because legally it's all his too.
> 
> Has he ever co-signed a loan for a family member? Or taken out a loan for them?


He has taken out a loan for his parents where his parents promised to pay back but now his mother is disputing that she never got any of that money.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

silentgypsy said:


> Thank you guys for your input. He feels that his family is his responsibility, being the eldest child. You guys are right, his family are perfectly capable adults responsible for their own welfare. If he continues to enable them and neglects our well-being as a married couple, the time will come that when we are in need and NO ONE will rescue us the way he does for them.


Indeed--you need to be able to rescue yourselves--which you will not be able to do if you allow his family to siphon off your resources. 


The next two statements, taken in tandem, are particularly disturbing:


silentgypsy said:


> His reason for "helping" is that we are financially well-off than any of his family. He is nice...too nice and generous when it comes to his family.
> 
> He has taken out a loan for his parents where his parents promised to pay back but now his mother is disputing that she never got any of that money.


So, you are financially better off than them, meaning you are somehow obliged to help them ...
....but ...
.... he had to take out a loan to help them?!?!?!?!

That does not compute. Not one bit.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm curious, doesn't make anything he is doing right, but what is his ethnic background? The situation sounds very familiar, no not you yourself, it may be a bigger problem than you think.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears to me your H runs the marriage and family as a military unit. No one left behind. One for all and all for one. 

However, he has it wrong. You are to be his #1 in all things.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> It appears to me your H runs the marriage and family as a military unit. No one left behind. One for all and all for one.
> 
> However, he has it wrong. You are to be his #1 in all things.


I disagree with the analogy. In a military unit all members are expected to carry their weight and have each others backs. 

Dude's family is just leeching, plain and simple. They contribute nothing. They bring nothing to the fight. The are where they are because they handle their money poorly. Any military member who constantly finds themselves in trouble due to their own incompetence and has to be bailed out by the unit, putting others at unnecessary risk , or worse, threatening the success of the overall mission, will be removed from the unit. 

If he was treating his family in a military manner, he would have separated from them, not continue to prop them up.


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## silentgypsy (Sep 8, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I took it the same way.
> 
> IMO, the statement was made because he was saying that according to HER, he HAS TO choose her over his family. And he is not ok with the idea of putting her ahead of his family.


He said it pains him to realize that this is what NEEDS to be done since we are married. It hurts him that I wouldn't forget about what he did. I told him how he continually puts me after his family. He asked me why I married him if I do not believe that I am his priority and I said "because I love you and I will always chose you, not because of marital duties but because I sincerely love you. I wish it was easy for you to do the same."




doobie said:


> Please be very careful with your money and try to make sure that for the foreseeable future you each pay half towards all expenses so that it's fair. I paid for just about everything in my marriage because my H stopped working and the only income he had was what his retired father was sending him. This resulted in me paying all the bills, my savings being totally trashed and spending the last year of our marriage desperate to leave as he became increasingly more abusive, but unable to save the money to do so because all my income went on paying our rent and bills. I eventually managed to leave because my best friend sent me the money to do so when the abuse became physical.
> 
> By all means, stay with your H while you try to sort out your problems if that's what you want, but make sure all expenses are divided 50/50 and, in the meantime, save up some money for you for the future in case you should need to leave.


He returned the money in the savings account. He apologized for not asking me first before touching the money. He said he will change. His family doesn't talk to me anymore. I am being cautious and hope for the day that his promises lines up with his actions.

Thank you all for your advice.


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## silentgypsy (Sep 8, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Indeed--you need to be able to rescue yourselves--which you will not be able to do if you allow his family to siphon off your resources.
> 
> 
> The next two statements, taken in tandem, are particularly disturbing:
> ...


Sorry for the confusion. He took out that loan before he met me.

We are currently financially better than them.


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## silentgypsy (Sep 8, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'm curious, doesn't make anything he is doing right, but what is his ethnic background? The situation sounds very familiar, no not you yourself, it may be a bigger problem than you think.


He is a Pacific Islander, born and raised here.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

silentgypsy said:


> He said it pains him to realize that this is what NEEDS to be done since we are married. It hurts him that I wouldn't forget about what he did. I told him how he continually puts me after his family. He asked me why I married him if I do not believe that I am his priority and I said "because I love you and I will always chose you, not because of marital duties but because I sincerely love you. I wish it was easy for you to do the same."
> 
> 
> 
> ...


gypsy, are you guys doing marital counseling? I think you might want to give it a go, because right now it's just you saying "this is the way a marriage should be." If he hears it from an outside authority, he might be better able to accept it... and he may need some help working through his conflicting emotions about this topic. Because rationally, he may understand that you're right, but he may also feel tremendous guilt. His family may be guilt-tripping him, or trying to manipulate him, or slandering you behind your back. His dynamic with them is dysfunctional, and they will try to stop him from changing and making healthy decisions, so they can keep manipulating him for cash and support. It can be a difficult thing to withstand, and he will likely need support. From someone other than you, from someone who isn't involved in the problem.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thank you. Now, one other question based on your answer. Are you a pacific islander?


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## Copycat (Feb 28, 2019)

If I were you, I would do three things:
- do my research by reading online about this problem (him staying too attached to his family of origin at the expense of his own new family);
- dedicate an evening or a couple of evenings to talk about it, to read together what you have found, to read notes from your diary that express your emotions ("I" phrases), and make it very clear that you cannot stand it in the future and that you need to find a solution that will work for both of you;
- and set clear rules and boundaries that you both find acceptable and satisfactory.

If you cannot find rules and boundaries that you both find acceptable, or if he does not respect the rules that you both once set, then I would leave. But before leaving, I would certainly try to do my research, talk to him, and suggest a solution, or better try to find a solution together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Uhh this is a zombie thread


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Closing Zombie thread.


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