# I don't want to hurt my wife but I'm not happy



## badguy

Hi,

I'm going to be completely honest and say right off the bat that I'm not a good person. I've cheated on my wife and know it's wrong and if she found out I'd deserve whatever bad thing happened to me. 

I know 100% that if I told her about this it would lead to divorce. Actually I would welcome it as I'm really not happy, however, I know it would devastate her and I would feel so bad thinking about her alone. I do love my wife but it's almost more of a father's love for a child. I would feel so sorry for her and worry that she'd end up lonely. She has said a while back that she doesn't know what she would ever do without me. Plus, it would feel like throwing away all those years of memories (almost 12 years of marriage). She's a very nice person and it kills me to think about her with a broken heart. 

I am unhappy in the marriage for a few reasons but one of the biggest is that she stopped working about 2 years ago and I really resent that I work and she doesn't. At first I was fine with it as I know she had a really hard time of it at work but I thought after a break she'd find a different job. About 6 months ago I asked if she'd planned on going back to work and she cried for quite a long time about that and what it boiled down to was that it was too hard to work while I was going back and forth from my job. (I work about 1/2 the year away from home and the other half I'm off). I cold see if we had kids to take care of but we don't so it's just the two of us and honestly, it makes me very angry. It's not about the money but If I would have know my wife would quite working completely at the age of 35 I doubt I would've married her (although I can't say for sure).

One other thing that I really resent happened early in the marriage but still bothers me. She would constantly reject me as far as sex goes and would only do it when she initiated it. After a while I just gave up trying. I think that really hurt me and,like I said, I still resent that to this day. Although now she is much more receptive to sex since she quit working it almost makes it seem worse. I know this happened a long time ago and I should get over it but I can't.

There are a lot of other things that I could bore you with but I'm sure if she posted she'd have a laundry list of things that bother her too so I'm not going to (this is a little long already).

I've got a job lead that we could stay together and not be apart but she's against it as we'd have to move a long way away. I don't think this would solve our problems but at least the stress of being away would be removed (plus I'm having a hard time of it at my job.) 

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## HoopsFan

I can tell that the affair is killing you from the inside - the secret is killing you. It should hurt you, it should feel awful that you've betrayed your wife, so it's good that you do feel sorry for it.

As difficult as it will be, I think you have to tell your W about the affair. It will probably devastate her and it will take a while to heal, but as long as you carry this secret there will always be emotional distance between you two as you try to protect your secret. And obviously, you need to end the affair if it's still going on.

There are alot of cheated on spouses on these boards, so get ready for some backlash I'm guessing.


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## Jellybeans

Tell her you cheated on her. You are lying to every day you act like you didn't cheat. She has a right to know you haven't been faithful to her.

Are you still involved in the affair or not? If you are, cut it off and either work on your marriage or leave. 

Tell her that you want sex if that is what you want. Why doesn't she work?


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## WhereAmI

If you were worried that an affair would devastate her you wouldn't have gone through with it in the first place. I'm not sure if you're fooling yourself or assuming you're fooling the forum with that one. You're protecting your interests, not hers. 

Grow some balls and tell the woman. She deserves that much.


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## Niceguy13

WhereAmI said:


> If you were worried that an affair would devastate her you wouldn't have gone through with it in the first place. I'm not sure if you're fooling yourself or assuming you're fooling the forum with that one. You're protecting your interests, not hers.
> 
> Grow some balls and tell the woman. She deserves that much.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Having a wife that won'tnown up to it even after caught. Chances are she already knows anyways and is waiting for to come clean. And she has some balls well she did I recently removed them from her purse and reattached them inbetween my legs.

As for hating you no I don't hate you I think what youdid was low and spineless and for the act of the affair you should be held responsible but you need to tell your wife. At the very least tell her you want a divorce as it is defnitley seems you are cake eating. Though you should tellher about the affair to and be honest about it. If you actualy do care about her being devastated or not at least this will give her self esteem a fighting chance knowing it wasn't her it was you. That you acted like a d-bag (don't know you well enough to know if you are one but that action is a d-bag move) and couldn't handle talking with her about whatever problems their were in the relationship.

and yes that is all coming off a lot harsher then I mean it but well its only been two weeks since D-day for me.


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## Mephisto

OK, then roughneck, man up, tell the girl. She deserves to know. As for what you did and who you did it with, I am going to hazard a guess and say it isn't an ongoing thing with the same woman, but rather several instances with randoms, judging by your work rota. 

You WILL have to live with the fallout, but if you genuinely feel bad about it, and REALLY don't want it to happen again, then stay away from situations where it could happen, stay off the drink, out of bars, and come straight home to her after every hitch away. Take the steps to ensure it won't happen and make sure she knows you are doing these things.

It isn't going to win her trust back, but it may be enough to convince her not to kick your ass to the kerb and take you for 60% of your **** and a hefty lump of your pay-cheque as well.


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## anx

I agree, you have to tell her. You may want to get into MC before. There really isn't a good way to do it though.

People do forgive affairs. You should have gotten into MC to talk about issues and unhappiness before it came to this.


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## brazillian

You guys just go on and on about how he should tell the woman and get balls and everything. Did you even read that HE IS NOT HAPPY? 
I say don't tell her. Just get a divorce. Tell her you are not happy.
Part ways as friends!


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## Mavash.

I hear what you are saying and my first thought is when I hear someone say that they aren't happy and start blaming said unhappiness on others it's a red flag.

Before you jump ship and move far far away which btw won't solve your problems have you considered IC to learn how to set boundaries in a healthy way vs letting resentment build? I mean your wife hasn't worked in TWO years and you are just now deciding to do something about it? That's a sign you don't know how to stand up for yourself.

I'm not saying don't leave I'm saying you need some skills before you get involved with someone else otherwise you will end up in this same position again.


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## arcticfox

Do you want to stay married to your wife?


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## HisMrs83

Honestly, if you know you aren't a good person, why did you ever get married???


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## bluebeauty

arcticfox said:


> Do you want to stay married to your wife?


Agreed. Do you want to stay married to her?


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## Marcy222

At 35 years of age, your wife should be working. I don't blame you for being upset about that. Divorce stinks, it makes everybody poor. I live in MA, it's a 50 50 state. A year ago I was debt free, now I'm up to my neck in debt, not to mention the expensive divorce lawyer. Don't tell her about the affair, it'll only kill her. My husband cheated on me for 12 years, with the same woman. It drove me over the edge. I stayed because I was afraid to start over, afraid of having no money. Well, I'm broke but happy. Mentally, I'm at peace. If you plan on staying don't tell your wife about the affair. If you decide to leave, just leave, don't tell her about the affair, it takes years to get over. She'll have enough on her plate trying to deal with the divorce.


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## tennisstar

If you are truly unhappy, why not divorce her? I understand it would be hard on her. Sounds like she probably will have trouble supporting herself but she's a grown woman. She will have to learn. Maybe this is what she needs to make her take on adult responsibilities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls

A w know whens something is not right. It might be the reason for her not working, crying and breaking down? I know for me, who used to be the most outgoing/positive/active person ever, when I could sense something off I immediately shut down. Hard to explain "why" but I can tell you I couldn't control the daze I was in. Which, in-turn, can add even more stress in a relationship...like it sounds like in yours.
I don't know if, when or how you tell her but IF you want to stay married then maybe consider the cycle you two have needs to be broken. 12 years is a long time invested. It's too bad you chose to make it harder on ya'll but maybe it can be fixed.


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## dyen12

I can understand her not wanting to work, she may have perhaps lost her confidence. Which is what I've done and I'm sure my husband resents me for not working. But he runs his own business and we make a hell of a lot of money. Except he expects me to walk around like a 'trophy' wife - and I'm not like that all. Do you ever think that she resents you for working away for such a long time?


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## sunnyman

Hi, 

I think I fully understand you, I have married to my wife for 3 years and she didn't continue her job after our marriage. In fact, she didn't have a full time job, as she was student. She is not working now and cries after any talk about job.
For whom wonder why my wife don't work :
The real reason your wife doesn't want to work/.

I am not happy with my relationship too, and I have thought about cheating. I am from a culture that having relationship before marriage is strongly prevented. I am thinking about having relationship now more than when I was single. And all is because my wife treat like a child not like a mature person. "I don't feel married, I feel I became a single dad".

I have the same sexual relational as you mentioned. About the divorce, I have the same feeling that leaving my wife is like leaving my little dependent child.

The fact is my wife and maybe yours is making themselves dependent to control and abuse us. and as we more likely are co-dependent people we will take it.
 hostile dependency: is your wife, girlfriend or ex a child masquerading in the body of a woman/

I have visited a therapist and have read some book. The books I have found useful are

codependant no more
Too good to leave too bad to stay
Bailing out

I hope you can* bail out* soon


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## grenville

HisMrs83 said:


> Honestly, if you know you aren't a good person, why did you ever get married???


We all do things that seemed like a good idea at the time but, with hindsight, turned out to be anything but.


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## nutellaking

You say you are not happy.

Have you considered that perhaps a spouse is NOT supposed to provide complete happiness for the other? Maybe your unhappiness is within you, and you are focusing on your wife as a justification for leaving your marriage. The fact that you have resentment and anger about her issues such as not getting a job, feeling dissatisfied, is NOT a reason to walk away from her without some serious introspection. It's too easy in today's throw-away society to look around and assume the grass is greener on the other side. Otherwise you leave one set of problems and exchange it with another. It sounds as if your anger and resentment has buried your love. It can be revived!

I would suggest that you look at the cause of your unhappiness, and consider that your leaving your marriage would do nothing to solve things. After all, you may be running from something that has nothing to do with her and a change of attitude may be in order.


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## Jiffy

You should tell your wife you cheated. She deserves at least that much. Have you tried marriage counseling...I dont think its fair for you to be unhappy, but have you truely told her how you feel about her working. Regardless how she reacted when you asked her about working... I don't get the sense that she is completely unwilling. If she knew how you really felt maybe she would reconsider.

Best of luck.


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## BeachGuy

This thread is 8 months old. OP only posted once and is gone.


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## LiamN

Maybe the person who posted this thread is no longer here, but for people in this same situation, think about this:
Why is is that we feel responsible for how others feel? Someone wise once said to me, "You worry about what you think and I'll worry about what I think, OK?"
Of course she will be upset if you tell her you want to leave, but she is an adult and how she deals with it is really her own concern.
Your responsibility to yourself and to the people around you is to BE yourself and to seek your own happiness and allow others to either accept that or not. Whatever, it is their issue.
Do what is in your heart. Aside from anything else, it's the best possible example you could set for your children.


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## ladybird

Have you ever told your wife how unhappy you have been? Does she know how you feel. 


You need to tell your wife, I know you would rather avoid it, but you need to tell her. Chances are she knows that things are off.


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## ladybird

nutellaking said:


> You say you are not happy.
> 
> Have you considered that perhaps a spouse is NOT supposed to provide complete happiness for the other? Maybe your unhappiness is within you, and you are focusing on your wife as a justification for leaving your marriage. The fact that you have resentment and anger about her issues such as not getting a job, feeling dissatisfied, is NOT a reason to walk away from her without some serious introspection. It's too easy in today's throw-away society to look around and assume the grass is greener on the other side. Otherwise you leave one set of problems and exchange it with another. It sounds as if your anger and resentment has buried your love. It can be revived!
> 
> I would suggest that you look at the cause of your unhappiness, and consider that your leaving your marriage would do nothing to solve things. After all, you may be running from something that has nothing to do with her and a change of attitude may be in order.


 Exactly. I could not have said it any better


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## MSC71

Your wife is not responsible for your happiness. The things you are doing do t help either. If you are unhappy, look in the mirror and figure it out.


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## moxy

It sounds like you don't want to stay married to her. Just tell her so and file for divorce. And, give her your reasons. She will be upset and she will hurt for a little while, but she will get over it and she will find someone else and so can you. It's much worse to string her along when you don't care about her and don't want to stay in the marriage. So, file for divorce, sit her down and tell her that you cheated and you want out of the marriage, and give her the divorce papers. Try and be amicable. Be compassionate. It will be okay. You both deserve to be happy and this isn't it. 

Alternatively, she sounds depressed and your cheating doesn't help. Get her to a counselor. If you are not sure you want a D, go to Marriage Counselling with her and really open up. But...you sound sure and like you're looking for some kind of permission. Sure, cheating was a terrible thing to do, but worse is keeping her around out of pity and obligation instead of letting her go be with someone who might value her.


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## MrBond

Be careful before you tell your wife you have had an affair and prepare for hell on earth.

If you want to go then go quickly - tell her you are unhappy and just go. If you have no kids - nothing is stopping you.

But do not under any circumstances admit to having an affair - you may end up being shamed by your wife and emotionally blackmailed into staying plus she will have ammunition against you in any divorce settlement. You have valid grounds for leaving the marriage and it is not necessary to stick two knives in when one will do.


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## natasha1983

I know that its been a while since the OP started this thread but I am having a serious problem with the fact that he resented his wife for not working...Many people just get unlucky..I myself have a masters degree but was unable to find a job because of my lack of experience but also because I had graduated at a time when the recession was at its peak, most of the kids who graduated with me did not get jobs in the field and opted later to take another degree..I was considered for interviews but somehow they never fell through because of my lack of experience and also because of the market situation...My husband started resenting me for it and accused me of not trying hard enough..It was not enough that I packed his lunch for him every morning, and that he had his food on his table every evening when he returned, it was not enough that I was a loving wife. He finally asked me for a divorce because he was not happy and because he thought we were two different people and we would never work out...I found out later that he had become close to his co worker and was telling her about all our problems and how he was planning to leave me for her (which he did in an email)..I wish I had not let him off easy..
Im pretty sure that even if his wife had a job, he would find some thing else to be dissatisfied about...He is looking for a justification for cheating..He himself says that his wife is a nice person and loves him very much...if the spark is missing it can easily be revived through communication and a planned vacation...I hope he gave her the divorce, and that she found a nice man who respects her and makes him feel like an ass for leaving her..and for the person who suggested that he should part ways amicably..there is no way that this divorce can be amicable...she probably already knows about his cheating, all wives know ..I hope she gathers proof of his cheating ways ..And that she screws him for every penny has has got, the SOB deserves it...Rant over :/


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I'm on the fence on this one but I'm leaning towards you telling her about the cheating.

I don't necessarily believe that because you have cheated, you are inherently a bad person. I can understand why you feel you are a bad person though, if it is the cheating that makes you feel this way. You don't seem to be making excuses or trying to justify the cheating itself. You can't change what you have done and what you decide to do now is what will define you. What that means is making a clean break from what you have done. Do not live that life. Start living the life that you should have been leading; start being the husband that you should have been. That means no cheating. Complete transparency with your spouse. Being home when you should be and avoid putting yourself in situations where in the past you've made poor choices. 

You have said that you are unhappy in your marriage. I believe that even if you decide to keep your past a secret, you need to attend counseling. Do that for your wife; she deserves that and so do you. Figure out why you have done the things that you have done. Under no circumstances should you blame your wife for your poor choices. You own them; figure out why you did it and resolve to not repeat those mistakes.

I am leaning towards admitting this to your wife for a couple of reasons:

1) You need to ask the question: if you had never cheated would the relationship you have with your wife be different? Has the burden of carrying that knowledge in secret kept you at a distance from her and prevented you from being the husband you should be? If so then I think really the only solution is to confess. She has done nothing to deserve this; she deserves the husband who hasn't cheated. Betrayed spouses often say that in order to save the marriage you need to risk losing it. I think this applies to you too as the wayward spouse.

2) If you are unable to resolve being unhappy in your marriage and decide to divorce then it is likely she will feel as if she is the bad guy. That her deficiencies are the reason why you are divorcing her. Is that fair to her? I don't think so; she isn't the one who cheated. She may have decided to divorce long ago if she knew and yet because you have kept it a secret, it will be her accepting blame. The only moral thing to do in this case is confess.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

natasha1983 said:


> I know that its been a while since the OP started this thread but I am having a serious problem with the fact that he resented his wife for not working...Many people just get unlucky..I myself have a masters degree but was unable to find a job because of my lack of experience but also because I had graduated at a time when the recession was at its peak, most of the kids who graduated with me did not get jobs in the field and opted later to take another degree..I was considered for interviews but somehow they never fell through because of my lack of experience and also because of the market situation...My husband started resenting me for it and accused me of not trying hard enough..It was not enough that I packed his lunch for him every morning, and that he had his food on his table every evening when he returned, it was not enough that I was a loving wife. He finally asked me for a divorce because he was not happy and because he thought we were two different people and we would never work out...I found out later that he had become close to his co worker and was telling her about all our problems and how he was planning to leave me for her (which he did in an email)..I wish I had not let him off easy..
> Im pretty sure that even if his wife had a job, he would find some thing else to be dissatisfied about...He is looking for a justification for cheating..He himself says that his wife is a nice person and loves him very much...if the spark is missing it can easily be revived through communication and a planned vacation...I hope he gave her the divorce, and that she found a nice man who respects her and makes him feel like an ass for leaving her..and for the person who suggested that he should part ways amicably..there is no way that this divorce can be amicable...she probably already knows about his cheating, all wives know ..I hope she gathers proof of his cheating ways ..And that she screws him for every penny has has got, the SOB deserves it...Rant over :/


Wow, I didn't realize how old this thread is.

Sounds like this hits close to home for you. I think his situation is a little different in that his wife has decided not to work.

I have to admit that I had a lot of resentment with my wife not working. I have to clarify though ... I fully supported her decision to stop being employed by somebody so that she could take the full time job of being a stay at home mom. What I resented though was when she stopped doing that job ... or at least doing it well. When I am the one who is working full time and then also responsible for the grocery shopping, finances, laundry, CLEANING the house, maintaining the house/yard/autos, etc. ... while she is using her time socializing and spending far more of the money I earned than she should ... then yes, resentment builds.


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## natasha1983

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Wow, I didn't realize how old this thread is.
> 
> Sounds like this hits close to home for you. I think his situation is a little different in that his wife has decided not to work.
> 
> I have to admit that I had a lot of resentment with my wife not working. I have to clarify though ... I fully supported her decision to stop being employed by somebody so that she could take the full time job of being a stay at home mom. What I resented though was when she stopped doing that job ... or at least doing it well. When I am the one who is working full time and then also responsible for the grocery shopping, finances, laundry, CLEANING the house, maintaining the house/yard/autos, etc. ... while she is using her time socializing and spending far more of the money I earned than she should ... then yes, resentment builds.


Hi Justsomeguywho,

I am sure you have a valid reason to resent your wife, I would be too if I were in your place. But I am pretty sure that you at least communicated with her about your dissatisfaction or at least suggested counseling or a trial separation or something( do you have a thread on this site?)....This guy basically seems to have decided that he wants to end the marriage...she seems to be unaware of what his feelings are...just like I was when my husband dropped the bomb on me (in an email when I was visiting my mother) basically saying that he has been unhappy, one of the reasons he had stated was because I had stopped attending church, and that I had not tried hard enough to get a job and that I was coming in the way of his happiness and also that he had stopped feeling it for me for a while..(ofcourse that did not stop him from expecting the usual sexual intimacy , and his laundry to be done and his meals even after we were separated since we were staying in the same apartment)
His wife might have her flaws but it is not her fault he cheated...And he seems to be justifying his behavior throughout the post...and he almost hopes she will leave him if he tells her...That is cold, considering the fact that he states that she is a good person and that she loves him...He seems fixated instead on her negative points and some stuff that happened in the beginning of their marriage and she is trying to remedy it...He seems to have already made up his mind to end his marriage and seems to be looking for validation on this site...


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## JustSomeGuyWho

natasha1983 said:


> Hi Justsomeguywho,
> 
> I am sure you have a valid reason to resent your wife, I would be too if I were in your place. But I am pretty sure that you at least communicated with her about your dissatisfaction or at least suggested counseling or a trial separation or something( do you have a thread on this site?)....This guy basically seems to have decided that he wants to end the marriage...she seems to be unaware of what his feelings are...just like I was when my husband dropped the bomb on me (in an email when I was visiting my mother) basically saying that he has been unhappy, one of the reasons he had stated was because I had stopped attending church, and that I had not tried hard enough to get a job and that I was coming in the way of his happiness and also that he had stopped feeling it for me for a while..(ofcourse that did not stop him from expecting the usual sexual intimacy , and his laundry to be done and his meals even after we were separated since we were staying in the same apartment)
> His wife might have her flaws but it is not her fault he cheated...And he seems to be justifying his behavior throughout the post...and he almost hopes she will leave him if he tells her...That is cold, considering the fact that he states that she is a good person and that she loves him...He seems fixated instead on her negative points and some stuff that happened in the beginning of their marriage and she is trying to remedy it...He seems to have already made up his mind to end his marriage and seems to be looking for validation on this site...


Valid points Natasha. I didn't quite read it the same way but you may be on target.

Yes, I expressed my concerns over a long period of time and I did eventually separate. Hardest thing I ever did. I felt utterly destroyed. I explained the terms of the separation to her, that I was going to go NC for one month and then at that point if she wanted to attend marriage counseling, I would commit to that. I wanted to save the marriage but I had reached my breaking point. It is a long and complicated story but it did bring about many positive changes that would not have happened otherwise. We are back together. Not all of our problems are resolved but we're still working on them. Not sure we are going to make it. Story to be continued ... 

Wow, what a cold way that your husband handled that. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that.


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## natasha1983

I am glad that your marriage at least reached the point of a reconciliation..And you do say that there have been a lot of positive changes...So thats good right??...Its better than nothing at all..and I am pretty sure that it can only get better from now on..I hope everything works out well for the both of you and if you are meant to separate, that both of you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and move on to better things..I saw on your profile that you have been married for 20 years..Wow, Thats a long time, I have not even been married for half that time. I can imagine the disappointment and pain of separation must have been even more intense for both of you...I will have to catch up on your threads soon...The way I am feeling right now, I need all the emotional support I can get...I have been on this forum the last one month, reading through these threads like a crazy woman, trying to make sense of it all. And to think that I had moved on from all that pain (Our separation happened a year ago and we are now in the middle of a divorce). Its like the actual divorce process has opened up all these old wounds, I was not even aware of and I am now actually going through my anger phase, (more like a rage). A part of the reason I am so hurt, is because I found out that he is on a dating site and is pretty active on it. A friend who does not know our situation, spotted him on it and was kind(!???) enough to let me know of it...I wonder sometimes if all this pain and humiliation is even worth it..Anyway, Thanks for being patient enough to read through my rant.....its refreshing to see things from the other side...


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## natasha1983

LiamN said:


> Maybe the person who posted this thread is no longer here, but for people in this same situation, think about this:
> Why is is that we feel responsible for how others feel? Someone wise once said to me, "You worry about what you think and I'll worry about what I think, OK?"
> Of course she will be upset if you tell her you want to leave, but she is an adult and how she deals with it is really her own concern.
> Your responsibility to yourself and to the people around you is to BE yourself and to seek your own happiness and allow others to either accept that or not. Whatever, it is their issue.
> Do what is in your heart. Aside from anything else, it's the best possible example you could set for your children.



Ummm, yes you do become responsible for another person's feelings especially when you are married to that person...That is the difference between dealing with a stranger and with someone who is a part of your life....To walk out on a spouse who loves you, just because you are not feeling it anymore or you are feeling unhappy speaks of a lack of empathy and inherent selfishness. If you are unable to look beyond your own selfish happiness, you should not be married, because marriage involves compromise and putting another person's happiness above your own...And if you are not ready to do that, you are better off seeking your "personal happiness", paying for sexual favors or finding someone who shares your selfish views on life in a FWB relationship. That way you will have your own lives independent of each other and will not be accountable to each other..and no that is not the best example to set for your kids, because you would be training them to be selfish, entitled brats just like yourself..its better not to spawn kids if that is the case...


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## DontDoItBro

Natasha,
Obviously you are the kind of woman that thinks everyone should give you everything you want no matter what you do because you just deserve it. Sorry, but it don’t work that way. No one but you is responsible for you. If you can’t cut it on your own, then you’re only going to make your husband miserable having to carry you like a child. It’s not fair to him. You don’t deserve anything. You haven’t earned anything. You’re not special. Life sucks, buy a helmet and figure it out for yourself. 
As for the situation, I understand you better than most as I am in almost the exact situation. My wife of 9 years hasn’t worked for the last 5. She is chronically depressed, anorexic, lazy, adverse to sexual contact, and making me miserable. To her credit, most of her issues are due to childhood sexual abuse (sadly very common amongst women these days). She is in therapy, and has been for years, but it’s not helping. All she says is “I’m doing my best” and cries whenever I ask her to get a job, clean the house, anything. Well I’m sorry, but her best isn’t good enough. She only says that she “tries” in order to have an excuse when she never actually does anything to change. I believe your wife is similar. I work nearly 70 hours a week, clean when I get home, help my 5 year old do her home work, etc. All she does is take our daughter to school in the morning and then go back to sleep or play the guitar and dream of making it big. Believe me, I’m just as frustrated as you are and can see why you would have cheated on her. (I haven’t yet, but I do understand.) If you’d been satisfied in your marriage, you never would have stepped outside of it. For all you're giving her, you're not getting enough back. Women need to start to understand this, if you’re not holding up your end, then don’t expect your man to. It’s that simple. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Your's (and mine) aren’t and it’s making you very unhappy. I suggest you get a divorce in order to find someone you will be happy with. There are plenty of fish in the sea and though a divorce might be painful and expensive, it would be worth it to have a chance at happiness. And as for your wife, you shouldn’t worry about whether or not she’s going to be lonely. You’re already lonely in your marriage and you deserve happiness as much as she does. She can find someone else to put up with her crap. You’re a “nice guy”, that’s your problem. People on here have told you to “get your balls back”, but the problem is you actually love her, don’t want to hurt her, and do want to make her happy so you hold back. But ask yourself this, does she hold back? Does she actually try to make you happy? I’m sure the answer is no, so the solution should be clear. It’s not worth your time.
P.S. And for heaven’s sake don’t tell her about cheating on her. She’ll only try to use it to take your money, etc in a divorce. For many women, divorce is a business and they’re just waiting for that 10 year mark before they file on you. She hasn’t earned it and she doesn’t deserve it so don’t just give it to her.


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## natasha1983

DontDoItBro said:


> Natasha,
> Obviously you are the kind of woman that thinks everyone should give you everything you want no matter what you do because you just deserve it. Sorry, but it don’t work that way. No one but you is responsible for you. If you can’t cut it on your own, then you’re only going to make your husband miserable having to carry you like a child. It’s not fair to him. You don’t deserve anything. You haven’t earned anything. You’re not special. Life sucks, buy a helmet and figure it out for yourself.
> As for the situation, I understand you better than most as I am in almost the exact situation. My wife of 9 years hasn’t worked for the last 5. She is chronically depressed, anorexic, lazy, adverse to sexual contact, and making me miserable. To her credit, most of her issues are due to childhood sexual abuse (sadly very common amongst women these days). She is in therapy, and has been for years, but it’s not helping. All she says is “I’m doing my best” and cries whenever I ask her to get a job, clean the house, anything. Well I’m sorry, but her best isn’t good enough. She only says that she “tries” in order to have an excuse when she never actually does anything to change. I believe your wife is similar. I work nearly 70 hours a week, clean when I get home, help my 5 year old do her home work, etc. All she does is take our daughter to school in the morning and then go back to sleep or play the guitar and dream of making it big. Believe me, I’m just as frustrated as you are and can see why you would have cheated on her. (I haven’t yet, but I do understand.) If you’d been satisfied in your marriage, you never would have stepped outside of it. For all you're giving her, you're not getting enough back. Women need to start to understand this, if you’re not holding up your end, then don’t expect your man to. It’s that simple. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Your's (and mine) aren’t and it’s making you very unhappy. I suggest you get a divorce in order to find someone you will be happy with. There are plenty of fish in the sea and though a divorce might be painful and expensive, it would be worth it to have a chance at happiness. And as for your wife, you shouldn’t worry about whether or not she’s going to be lonely. You’re already lonely in your marriage and you deserve happiness as much as she does. She can find someone else to put up with her crap. You’re a “nice guy”, that’s your problem. People on here have told you to “get your balls back”, but the problem is you actually love her, don’t want to hurt her, and do want to make her happy so you hold back. But ask yourself this, does she hold back? Does she actually try to make you happy? I’m sure the answer is no, so the solution should be clear. It’s not worth your time.
> P.S. And for heaven’s sake don’t tell her about cheating on her. She’ll only try to use it to take your money, etc in a divorce. For many women, divorce is a business and they’re just waiting for that 10 year mark before they file on you. She hasn’t earned it and she doesn’t deserve it so don’t just give it to her.


You obviously don't know my situation well enough to comment on it. Your wife's case and mine are totally different...While I was looking actively for a job four months after my graduation, I was cleaning the house, helping my husband to move to our new apartment in a new state while he got settled in his new job, cooking, and doing all chores around the house. He did not even know how to operate our washing machine since his mommy used to do all his laundry for him when he was staying with her before our marriage and he could not cook to save his life, not that I minded it, I was more than happy to do the chores since I loved him and I appreciated that he was working hard and coming home tired... I am pretty sure that you know that it sometimes takes more than a year to get a job, I dont know what his hurry was, had he waited for a few months more he would have had a wife who works, but no he was in a hurry to improve his lifestyle, better furniture, better car, better designer clothes for himself as soon as possible..So yes I do deserve a commitment ... at this point of our separation, he is eating out everyday and coming to me for free meals sometimes since he "misses my home cooking" when he does not feel like spending, yeah right....I am not perfect, but neither was he...So Unless you know our situation, I would advice you to resist from drawing conclusions.....Just because your wife does not care enough about you and your marriage to hold her end of the marriage, does not mean, everyone else feels the same way...Maybe if you focused more on her good points than on nagging her to get a job, she would be more interested in getting a job, and less averse to having sex with you..just saying...no one likes a nag..

And I cannot believe you are condoning his cheating..no matter what, its a marriage ..if he wanted to cheat, he should have asked her for a separation before that...He is not a "nice guy"...he is a coward who has made a mistake and is looking for validation for his cowardly act...However his wife is, she did not deserve to be hurt...Unless she slept around and was mentally and verbally abusive she did not deserve to be treated the way he treated her...And if he loved his wife as you say he does, he would not be *****ing on his wife on a public forum and looking for excuses to leave her, he would be trying to see what can be done to save the marriage...and so would you, if you loved yours..So stop complaining about your wives and honor your vows, you sound like whiny little pansy boys...Or better yet Do her a favor and leave her, she will be alright, she can stay without your "love"..Trust me, she will get over you and don't worry she won't be lonely for too long...


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## DontDoItBro

Wow, I really struck a nerve. First, I didn’t comment on your situation, I commented on your comments. You virtually said that she deserves everything he has to give, though she isn’t giving anything back; thus, my comments. However, something I said must have struck really close to home to elicit such a heated reaction from you. Either way, it’s all about who’s brining what to the table. He provides for her home, her clothes, her healthcare, her food, her hygiene, her phone, her car, her entertainment, her LIFE and she is literally not giving him anything back. That would make any man unhappy in their relationship. Everyone has needs and expectations in a relationship. He’s fulfilling hers and holding up his end of the deal. That she is not fulfilling his, is where the problem is coming from. And no, I don’t condone his actions, but I do understand them. Actions are merely symptoms of circumstances. If the circumstances were different, the actions would be different. But, I also understand you well enough. There’s no room for logic or reason in your argument. Just as long as you feel like you’re right and get to call someone names, you’re self justified and it doesn’t matter what the truth is. You’re going to blame the male’s side every time regardless of the situation simply because of your situation. Seemingly, you’re saying that men have no right to complain about anything (because they’re just being “pansy boys”) and should just be happy having to support someone that’s not willing to support themselves or give anything back at all. I bet you also believe in alimony and spousal support because sitting on your ass all day while someone else works to support you is deserving of compensation right? Either way, there is really only one question that matters. Whether or not someone is better off married, or divorced? I’ll be much better off after mine. Will you be better off after yours?


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## natasha1983

DontDoItBro said:


> Wow, I really struck a nerve. First, I didn’t comment on your situation, I commented on your comments. You virtually said that she deserves everything he has to give, though she isn’t giving anything back; thus, my comments. However, something I said must have struck really close to home to elicit such a heated reaction from you. Either way, it’s all about who’s brining what to the table. He provides for her home, her clothes, her healthcare, her food, her hygiene, her phone, her car, her entertainment, her LIFE and she is literally not giving him anything back. That would make any man unhappy in their relationship. Everyone has needs and expectations in a relationship. He’s fulfilling hers and holding up his end of the deal. That she is not fulfilling his, is where the problem is coming from. And no, I don’t condone his actions, but I do understand them. Actions are merely symptoms of circumstances. If the circumstances were different, the actions would be different. But, I also understand you well enough. There’s no room for logic or reason in your argument. Just as long as you feel like you’re right and get to call someone names, you’re self justified and it doesn’t matter what the truth is. You’re going to blame the male’s side every time regardless of the situation simply because of your situation. Seemingly, you’re saying that men have no right to complain about anything (because they’re just being “pansy boys”) and should just be happy having to support someone that’s not willing to support themselves or give anything back at all. I bet you also believe in alimony and spousal support because sitting on your ass all day while someone else works to support you is deserving of compensation right? Either way, there is really only one question that matters. Whether or not someone is better off married, or divorced? I’ll be much better off after mine. Will you be better off after yours?



Not really, I have a job now and can support my self quite well....so I really don't need his money..I do however care about commitment, and vows, I was only out of a job for 4 months after I graduated as is the case with most graduates, and while we were both students, I was working and sharing the rent, and bills with him. He started getting impatient in those 4 months and pressurizing me to hurry up as he wanted to started living the lifestyle, ...If your wife is depressed, there is something in the marriage which must have set off her depression...Have you thought about that?? Yes I understand your frustration, I would be frustrated, in your situation, but then again, is she mean to you and your child, does she abuse you, is she having affairs? Maybe she is not satisfied in the job she used to do, maybe she needs to find something that interests her...or as you say maybe she is just plain lazy and has gotten complacent...People tend to take the people they love for granted...It happens...But just because its the case with you, it is not the case with other women, You sound bitter...You seem to be generalizing all women into one category, lazy, gold diggers who are in the marriage just for the alimony...when that's not the case at all,..so lets just agree that our situations are different..and end it at that..peace...


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## VFW

I think that it is time to man up, own up and move on. Get your legal affairs in order, file and have a very frank and honest discussion with her, you owe her that much. Move on quickly, it will hurt her, but the longer you draw it out the worse it will be for all.


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## Coop_39

Sounds somewhat like my situation. I married a Taiwanese lady while thinking life was going to be all fine and dandy just because she has nursing skills and perhaps could use them in America...and that outgoing personality of hers....well....after coming back to the U.S., she refused to learn how to drive and refused to try and do something the help ourselves. I feel like such a loser...two kids, and a reluctant wife....all living with relatives. <sigh> I feel like giving up and just telling her to go back to where she came from. Why, in fact, why not? I've been depressed these past several years...always fighting and arguing because she won't conform to American way of life...any comments anyone?


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## Happilymarried25

Coop_39 said:


> Sounds somewhat like my situation. I married a Taiwanese lady while thinking life was going to be all fine and dandy just because she has nursing skills and perhaps could use them in America...and that outgoing personality of hers....well....after coming back to the U.S., she refused to learn how to drive and refused to try and do something the help ourselves. I feel like such a loser...two kids, and a reluctant wife....all living with relatives. <sigh> I feel like giving up and just telling her to go back to where she came from. Why, in fact, why not? I've been depressed these past several years...always fighting and arguing because she won't conform to American way of life...any comments anyone?


If you wanted a women who comforms to the American way of life you should have married an American women. She probably just married you so she could live a nice comfortable life in America. You made your own bed. In the meantime be there for your children and when they move out of the house then you can leave her and look for your next wife in America.


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## PBear

Happilymarried25 said:


> If you wanted a women who comforms to the American way of life you should have married an American women. She probably just married you so she could live a nice comfortable life in America. You made your own bed. In the meantime be there for your children and when they move out of the house then you can leave her and look for your next wife in America.


My first thought is to open up a new thread of your own, instead of reopening a 4 year old zombie thread. 

My second thought is you gave too much priority on a "practical" partner, rather than one you loved and were well matched to. At this point, your options are pretty limited. 

C


Coop_39 said:


> Sounds somewhat like my situation. I married a Taiwanese lady while thinking life was going to be all fine and dandy just because she has nursing skills and perhaps could use them in America...and that outgoing personality of hers....well....after coming back to the U.S., she refused to learn how to drive and refused to try and do something the help ourselves. I feel like such a loser...two kids, and a reluctant wife....all living with relatives. <sigh> I feel like giving up and just telling her to go back to where she came from. Why, in fact, why not? I've been depressed these past several years...always fighting and arguing because she won't conform to American way of life...any comments anyone?


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## daisybush

If you are not happy dnt play with you and your wife life time. just separate as you have made mind clearly in this direction.


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