# Near Sexless Relationship - Need advice



## fkinglost (Jan 5, 2014)

I am new here and just found this forum a couple of nights ago, but it seems there are several others in my situation here and the posts do not seem to be as depressing as the deadbedroom section on reddit. I actually see some people overcoming this issue on this forum so I am really hoping for some advice. Warning: This is a long read, I will provide some cliffs at the bottom though. Thanks for reading.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, we have lived together for 4 of them. I am 25 and she is 26. Since we moved in together 4 years ago, our sex has gone from every other day to once a week and now to once a month. At first I did not even notice the decline and was comfortable in the relationship. I began to notice and started to initiate more and my initiations were always turned down. I have considered leaving for a long time because of this but I don't really have any savings so moving out would be very hard financially. However, we have moved 4 times and every time we move, I do have a chance to go my own way, but for some reason I stay thinking it may get better.

When I first noticed the lack of sex, I was shocked as in the beginning, she wanted sex more often than I did, although I never told her this and never turned her down. She initiated going to sex shops and wearing lingerie and getting toys and all that. It all just stopped, I thought for sure it was just temporary and just went with it. I started to count the weeks that we didn't have sex and started to care for her less. It got to the point that she seemed like an annoying roommate. I never initiated any sexual or intimate contact with her, at all. I would do my own thing and barely talk to her. Every time I looked at her, I felt angry towards her. How could this girl claim to love me so much and talk about marriage and spending the rest of her life with me, yet not want to anything intimate with me?? Our sex went like this: One random morning, once a month, she would wake up and want to have sex with me, I went through with it, half-asleep and she would always come. That was the only sex until next month. She always wants to get right to sex, no foreplay at all, I love going down on her, but she just wants straight sex. She hardly ever gives me head anymore, and never to completion. In the last year, she has maybe a combined total of one minute of head. 2 years ago, I bought her lingerie for valentines day, she has never put it on. 

Any attempt to talk about this leadsto an excuse, usually a different excuse every couple of months. She has said that she just doesn't enjoy sex and would be ok with never having sex again. She seems to have a split personality, when she is in the mood, she seems to love everything I do, and talks about how she loves it. When she is out of the mood, she hates sex. When I bring up any sexual act that is even slightly dirty that we have done before(and that she seemed to love at the time), she gives this attitude like "she would never do that" and acts like she doesn't remember the doing it. 

About 2 months ago, I noticed her texting a male coworker quite a bit, and confronted her about it. She, of course, said he was just a friend but after prying for awhile, she finally admitted she had feelings for him. She says she had never done anything with him, and I am still on the fence about believing it. I told her to cut off contact with him. After this long fight about her possible cheating, she got horny and talked about how sorry she was for not ever wanting to have sex. She said she wanted to have sex more, give me head more, blah blah blah. I of course, believed it and decided to stay with her thinking we had finally come to some understanding that our relationship was about dead and we were going to actually do something about it. 

This has led to me being the only one trying to do anything about it. And since the thought of loosing her to another guy, I have become more attracted to her than I have been for a LONG time. It was like a spark for me to try again. This has made it worse than ever. I think about sex all the time now, and she turns me down literally every single time I try. I have tried talking about it repeatedly and she is tired of talking about it as well. When I do talk about it, she looks for any possible way to change the subject. Her new excuse, is that she is not in the mood because she feels pressured, I didn't try to have sex with her for 3 years, and now after 2 months of me trying once every 3 days, she is pressured.... 

I have realized that the only way possible to get her in the mood is after a fight where I mention leaving her but it cannot have anything to do with sex. During this fights, she will constantly try to touch me. All I have to do is pull away and reject her for 5 minutes and she turns into a freak. She will do anything for sex at that point. Once I noticed this, I intentionally started a fight on 2 different occasions with the sole purpose of having sex. It worked both times, but I plan on limiting the amount of times I use this and save it for my really desperate sad nights. 

Lately, I have been a mess, I feel unmotivated to do anything and it is hard to sleep. I have spent a lot of time reading how to be more manly, more dominant, how to be better at sex, how to turn her on, how to be more romantic and nothing has worked at all. Because she doesn't want sex, I assume she is cheating and using me to pay half the bills, that she can't possibly love me if she never wants sex. These past couple of weeks, I have probably come off as needy as one could be, and she seems to have pulled back even further. She never touches me at all anymore, no hugs, kisses, anything. I have realized this and started pulling away again myself. I have not brought up anything sexual at this week and have not tried to touch her whatsoever. This seems all too familiar though, and will lead right back to several more years of the "annoying roommate stage". I am becoming more and more un-trusting of her during this time, and I started checking her internet history. I see that she looks at porn occasionally, and she has admitted that she masturbates sometimes. This blows my mind, and leads me even further to the belief that she does not want to have sex with ME, and me specifically. 

I know I should leave her and I know that I will probably have to. But right now, I am not full ready to do that and even if I was, I couldn't afford to do it. I have started putting money aside for when that time comes, but for the time being, I would love to take one last shot at making it work. I really don't care to much about what I have to try at this point because it is not like I can do any worse. As it is, we have not had sex for 1 1/2 months. 

One last thing I will mention is our talks. She doesn't seem to understand why sex is important to me. She thinks it is completely about the physical aspect and that I could just do it with anyone, it doesn't matter if its her. I explain to her that I don't feel close to her at all without sex and intimacy. I feel like her friend. She just throws this in my face every time: "what If I had a disability where I couldn't have sex with you, you would leave me! Sex is all you care about" This usually just leaves me baffled, and I realize that she uses absolutely no logic at all while she is talking about this subject, I then proceed to just say "forget it" and wait until the next time I can't take it anymore. 

Please give me some advice on how to salvage this relationship. I am willing to try anything at this point. For those that read this far, thank you. 

Cliffs:
-4.5 year relationship
-living together for 3 years
-sex dwindled to once a month
-treat each other like roomates
-I was about to leave her
-close call with her possibly cheating
-I am suddenly crazy about her
-sex life worse than ever
-she makes no effort to fix it
-can't afford to move out yet and would like to salvage if possible


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow... that's a lot to deal with. I am new to these boards too. I'm sure you will get lots of helpful responses.

I just want to point out if you are already having these problems with her and you're not even married yet -- I STRONGLY recommend you think twice about marrying her.

I recently left a 20-year loveless, sexless marriage. ALL of the warning signs were there during my engagement; I chose to ignore them thinking things would get better, you know the old "Love conquers all" theory. I can assure you, in a marriage, love does NOT conquer all.

Also, the fact that you already have serious trust issues with her is a HUGE red flag.

I would urge you to read my thread on this same board titled "For those of you in a low sex marriage considering leaving..." I realize that my ex-husband probably has A LOT more psycho baggage from his childhood than your girlfriend does, but the end result is the same: No sex, no intimacy = lousy relationship.



Due to your financial constraints, perhaps you can find a roommate or two to split costs while you are getting back on your feet.

I wish you the very best. Be smart about marriage to her while you are still can.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

She may be more interested in the pursuit -as long as she does not have you she is interested. 

I would guess that unless you are interested in a different life style you may want to find someone else better suited to you. 

Have you asked her if she is interested in swinging? Maybe you should just consider her a roommate and start working on yourself until you can split.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

fkinglost said:


> She has said that she just doesn't enjoy sex and would be ok with never having sex again.


This is all you really need to know. When someone flat out tells you something this bad about themselves, BELIEVE THEM!!! You need to decide if you want to live a sexless life, because that's where she's taking you. I'd be out and fast. No kids, not married, no finances tied up together. RUN!!!


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> This is all you really need to know. When someone flat out tells you something this bad about themselves, BELIEVE THEM!!! You need to decide if you want to live a sexless life, because that's where she's taking you. I'd be out and fast. No kids, not married, no finances tied up together. RUN!!!


I gotta agree with this.

You really have no ties except the history together which obviously has issues.

Finances should not be a reason to stick around a relationship.

Crash a friends couch for a while, borrow a little cash from mom or dad or a friend of family member and make a clean break.

Sounds like she has some issues that are causing this and its NOT NATURAL to not want to be intimate with your partner. Its a huge part of any loving relationship.


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## endlessdrought (Jan 1, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> This is all you really need to know. When someone flat out tells you something this bad about themselves, BELIEVE THEM!!! You need to decide if you want to live a sexless life, because that's where she's taking you. I'd be out and fast. No kids, not married, no finances tied up together. RUN!!!


To fkinglost -- Yep. RUN!!

Mine said she could live without sex just fine. But when the every 6-8 weeks comes around, she seem to and says she enjoys it very much. It seems she won't allow herself to be jump started. 

If I were in your situation, I would be gone!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Run


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

I always find it hard to believe that in the majority of SIM threads, the excuses and reason are always the same.

I have heard all of this myself, so I understand your pain OP.

The sooner you understand that she likes sex but doesnt want to have it with YOU, the better off you will be.

Do you really think she is going to be this sexless person if she was single again? Hell No!

I left after 7 months, would never go back, and would never do it again. No Thanks.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

fkinglost said:


> I really don't care to much about what I have to try at this point because i*t is not like I can do any worse.* As it is, we have not had sex for 1 1/2 months.


Yes, yes, you CAN do worse.

You could get her pregnant. Or you could also just keep chasing her and have her continually lose more respect for you.

It is NEVER easy to leave a relationship...and there's never a good time. Spend 100% of your time making an exit plan, now. There is nothing to salvage here....she's only interested when you're leaving her. And it sounds like the same story is for you. Do not spend another minute trying to find ways to salvage this and put your energies into leaving. You've given her 4 years of your life. Time to spend the rest of the years looking out for your own happiness...because it's not with her. Sorry.

Oh, and likely she will sense that you are planning to part ways and suddenly step up her game. Please don't be a sucker and fall for it. Because you already have several times. Have enough love and respect for yourself to go after what you deserve. She isn't it.


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## FLman (Nov 6, 2013)

Cliffs:
-4.5 year relationship
How do you feel about her, do you truly love her or you don't
want to lose her?
-living together for 3 years
-sex dwindled to once a month
For her its not all about sex, but how she feels toward your
relationship, if she is not being emotionally fulfilled then she will have some resentment, inturn this will brew in you and you
keep your distance, this is somewhat common in most long term relationships, married or not

-treat each other like roomates
She feels like she has nothing in common with you...
-I was about to leave her
Thinking this is not going well, she is not responding to my
pleads, better cut the ties...
-close call with her possibly cheating
She is seeking out approval, attention and wanting outside,
she is not getting that from you!
-I am suddenly crazy about her
Normal jealously, very normal and it makes you want to try to
save your relationship, the above of her seeking out does not help this feeling either!
-sex life worse than ever
I'll explain later...
-she makes no effort to fix it
I'll explain later...
-can't afford to move out yet and would like to salvage if possible[/QUOTE]

I've learned a great lesson, and want to share if I can help you,
first you have to understand that no matter how practical, grounded your partner is, the essential part of a relationship is having things in common such as sharing time, goals and ambitions. 

Try the following;
1. Give her time and attention, leave sex out of this, don't mention it at all and do not think this can fix it self in a day, week or month, give it at least 3 months before deciding to stay or leave...
give her a 10 sec hug every day, do not crowd her, be yourself and your person, if she has any interest like working out, books, walking, biking, without seeming over enthusiastic, tag along with her, don't make it look like your prying into her life.
Essentially what I mean is to take time and do things jointly...
2. She has either fallen out of love with you, or has reservation about her commitment to you, the only way you can save this is reach out and reestablish your relationship with her as it was before, #1 will help you the most!
3. Do not pressure her on sex, she might feel like thats all the relationship is about, and that is why she is holding back, try to reach out to her in other ways (#1), if there is love between you I can bet you will see huge improvements in a month or so...
4. I believe, most women and men, will not seek out attention if
they love someone, they are only seeking something they cannot find at home, for men most likely this is sex, but most men cannot be fulfilled with sex along either, thats why most do not leave their wives and GFs but do not work hard toward their own relationship...on the other hand women seek out some sort of emotional attention that cannot be fulfilled at home, if they can "trade up" then they will leave a bad relationship in blind sight that this new one might work out...
5. Do not put her on a pedestal or on the opposite treat her like crap, if you both start to see eye to eye things will be better.
6. Again do open up the communication channels, do not bring intimacy in the picture, rather focus on what she is looking for, and what you want from her, I can bet it will not match up, but give her what she wants and she will do the same in return...
7. Don't spy on her, this can become obsessive and can very hurtful in her eye...learn to trust each other, she might trust you that you care for her, but trust is not always about cheating, its the comfort to know that you are there and you can talk about anything, mistrust dissolves this bond!
8. Start to think like her, try to understand you, try to see yourself in her eye, this is harder than it sounds, but my point is that sometimes we don't realize our own actions and the effects they have, but after realization you realize you were in the wrong (or sometimes the right)...
9. LISTEN to the most subtle signs, they are given off all the time by women, most men choose or blind not to hear it! If she says "come for a walk with me", just get up and go, don't say "I need to get something done"...this slowly drowns her in a feeling of not having a "life partner"!!! 

Hope this helps, if she deeply loves you its worth it, if she is already checked out then its best to break it off, but give it a little time!!!! Good luck!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well first I was going to suggest that you no longer live together but still be together. This would likely change the sexual dynamic.

However - it sounds like when either one of you tries to change or starts to withdrawl it triggers hysterical bonding in the other. This is going to make your relationship very difficult to get out of because every time you try she will give you what you want and likewise.

The bottom issue, though, is that she does not care about sex in the way you do. She is very young and your sex life absolutely should not be at this stage already. 

I'm nearing 20 years of marriage and every sexual issue I have with my husband was there in the beginning. Oh, he will change, I will work on it, certainly our sexual situation will progress and grow over the years. Some couples are lucky in that their sexual relationship does grow in time. But I doubt when those couples got married one was already saying they would be happy never having sex again.

The other problem is her irritating roommate habits. These are also going to wear on you in time. 

I hope you are able to work things out if that is what you want. Perhaps couples counseling so she is able to understand this issue better and realize compromise is going to need to take place for you two to be together.


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## fkinglost (Jan 5, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Wow... that's a lot to deal with. I am new to these boards too. I'm sure you will get lots of helpful responses.
> 
> I just want to point out if you are already having these problems with her and you're not even married yet -- I STRONGLY recommend you think twice about marrying her.
> 
> ...


I have absolutely no plans to marry her if things stay the same. Whenever she talked about marrying me(which was quite a bit), I was honestly a little amazed. Why in the world does she want to marry me so much and spend the rest of her life together with me when she has no desire to even have sex with me. For me to marry her at this point, she would have to completely do a 180 in the intimacy department(that includes general affection also) and keep it up for at least 2 years before I considered proposing. 



usmarriedguy said:


> She may be more interested in the pursuit -as long as she does not have you she is interested.
> 
> I would guess that unless you are interested in a different life style you may want to find someone else better suited to you.
> 
> Have you asked her if she is interested in swinging? Maybe you should just consider her a roommate and start working on yourself until you can split.


I absolutely could not do invite anyone else into the bedroom or share. If she ever asked, I would have to end it. Just the thought of her with another guy is extremely painful. 



I Don't Know said:


> This is all you really need to know. When someone flat out tells you something this bad about themselves, BELIEVE THEM!!! You need to decide if you want to live a sexless life, because that's where she's taking you. I'd be out and fast. No kids, not married, no finances tied up together. RUN!!!


I would agree under different circumstances. The thing is that this is just one of many reasons that she has given me. I feel that most of her reasons are in the moment. Whatever she is feeling that moment, she will tell me. So I end up disregarding most of what she says because she will often say something to counter it later when she is in a different moment. When we first started dating, she told me "I never enjoyed sex until I met you, I never understood why people made such a big deal out of it, but it is amazing with you." Now it is "I have never enjoyed sex, I don't know why other people make such a big deal out of it." So this is obviously bad, but when we first met, she felt something for me that made sex seem amazing, and I assumed she had in the past with other guys. Whatever she felt for me, she has lost, so I am in search of how to find that again and re-ignite those feelings. I don't know if its possible, or even worth the effort at this point. I am in a constant battle in my head. I start thinking about working really hard to better the relationship(in every way, not just sex) but then I start to think about what effort she has ever put into the relationship and I think to myself, why bother. Why waste my time on someone that doesn't seem to care. I really don't believe her words ("I could go the rest of my life without sex"). I don't really even believe in permanently high-libido/ low-libido people. I feel that if she is genuinely interested in a guy, that she will love sex with him. My girlfriend has obviously lost her interest for me, so I would like to figure out how to get that back. It is sad that I have to ask a board full of strangers for this, when everything I need to know is sitting in her head, but I just don't know how to get it out of her. 


Cyclist said:


> I gotta agree with this.
> 
> You really have no ties except the history together which obviously has issues.
> 
> ...


I wish  could say that finances weren't a reason to waste my life with her, but it is just not that easy. My girlfriend and I have moved to 4 different cities since meeting, and I have lost touch with all of my friends and have not made any new ones. My parents finances are worse than mine, they just separated. If I just up and left tomorrow, I would have to give up all of my possessions, and I would be homeless. 

I agree that it is not natural to not want to be intimate with your partner WHEN everything in the relationship is good. But everything in ours is not good, I am missing out on my need to have her desire me, but I am thinking she is missing out on something from me as well. 



endlessdrought said:


> To fkinglost -- Yep. RUN!!
> 
> Mine said she could live without sex just fine. But when the every 6-8 weeks comes around, she seem to and says she enjoys it very much. It seems she won't allow herself to be jump started.
> 
> If I were in your situation, I would be gone!


I know the feeling.. I have definitely considered running, and I had planned on it. There was a year-long period of time where I fantasized about living alone.. This close call with her cheating seems to have reignited some feeling for her and I am finding myself wanting to stay more-so than not. But I have given myself a deadline. If I cannot repair the relationship by the time I have enough money saved up to go my own way, then I will leave. Probably 4-6 months.


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## fkinglost (Jan 5, 2014)

Janky said:


> I always find it hard to believe that in the majority of SIM threads, the excuses and reason are always the same.
> 
> I have heard all of this myself, so I understand your pain OP.
> 
> ...


It took me 4 years to research this problem and I cannot believe it either. So many people living my exact same life. I know for a fact that she will continue to have sex with every guy she dates in the future. I know she will enthusiastically give them head. This thought is ****ing painful to me. I know that most on this forum are in 10+ year relationships, but my 4 year relationship has seemed like a lifetime. How can this person that I share everything with feel this way about me. I know I have not been a great boyfriend, but I know I only stopped trying a LONG time after she did. In the end, I am sure we will go out separate ways and I will regret this wasting my early 20's on her. But for some reason, I am wanting to stay at the moment. Will I regret it later, probably. If this keeps up again, I am sure I will naturally fall back into wanting to leave like I did before the "near-cheating situation".



daffodilly said:


> Yes, yes, you CAN do worse.
> 
> You could get her pregnant. Or you could also just keep chasing her and have her continually lose more respect for you.
> 
> ...


I guess you are right. Getting her pregnant would be a nightmare at this point. I have definitely taken your advice into consideration. It is definitely the logical thing to do.


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## fkinglost (Jan 5, 2014)

FLman said:


> Cliffs:
> -4.5 year relationship
> How do you feel about her, do you truly love her or you don't
> want to lose her?
> ...


Thank you, this is the type of advice I was looking for when I signed up here. No disrespect towards others answers at all, I know I should leave, but right now I am giving it one last shot. 

To answer your question, I don't know if I love her. My feelings towards her are so back and forth. Sometimes I really enjoy being with her, but most of the time I am angry at her because she seems so distant. 

1. I went an entire year without bringing up sex, but I also left out almost all affection. Is leaving out the affection where I went wrong? We definitely do not do as much together anymore, I will explain in the next post what are life is like. I have my interests that she has no interest in and vice-versa. 

3. She has definitely said that she thinks all I want is sex. I am almost sure that she thinks that me doing any new activities with her is just a way for me to try to have sex with her. Therefore, I think she is holding back from doing things with me. I have tried several times in the past couple of weeks to do new things and she is always too tired to go. I will make sure that I do not try to have sex with her after any new activities though.

4. When I confronted her about this guy, she pretty much said that she liked the attention he gave her. I was very upset and angry at the time and she even told me "why can't you show me you want me this much all the time". The thing is, now when I give her attention, I feel like she gets more distant. Like she is so un-interested in me that any attention I give her is just me being needy. Or maybe she is mistaking my attention for trying to have sex with her. I am obviously not meeting 1 or many needs from her, so it is hard to figure out what they are and how to meet them. She told me yesterday "a lot of the time I feel like you don't love me" and then she didn't want to talk about it. It is just so hard to try to meet all her needs when she puts no effort to meet any of mine. 

6. How do you suggest that I find out what she is looking for? I asked her about a week ago if there was anything that was bothering her about me and she said no. I will admit that in the past, whenever we fought and she brought up something she didn't like about me, I didn't listen at all. I never put myself in her shoes to see if she had a point. I immediately blew up on her and tried to turn it back around on her. This is because I have felt a constant anger towards her for so long, I always thought "how dare she complain about me, I do much more for her than she does for me". Because of my blow-ups towards her, she has stopped telling me things that she things I will get mad at. I have avoided getting mad at her this as much as possible lately but it may be too late.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"I absolutely could not do invite anyone else into the bedroom or share. If she ever asked, I would have to end it. Just the thought of her with another guy is extremely painful."

-Yes I feel the same way but would be curious about her answer. 

"Because of my blow-ups towards her, she has stopped telling me things that she things I will get mad at. I have avoided getting mad at her this as much as possible lately but it may be too late."


-This might take a long time to repair. She has to know that she can talk honestly without you blowing up or getting excessively defensive.

My theory is that some women like the pursuit and are truly interested in sex during courtship. Once they have you some switch turns off and they start using sex as a tool also men can become pretty passive about sex. 

Your Wife Has No Desire for Sex? You Better Read This - Yahoo Voices - voices.yahoo.com

The problem as I see it is that it is harder to maintain the illusion of courtship than it seems like it would. I do not know if it is always really possible because you are always going to be the same man even if you are trying to behave in a different way.


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## fkinglost (Jan 5, 2014)

I absolutely could not do invite anyone else into the bedroom or share. If she ever asked, I would have to end it. Just the thought of her with another guy is extremely painful."

-Yes I feel the same way but would be curious about her answer. 

_Well I she did want a threesome, I am sure she would not tell me. When I mentioned earlier that I saw she looked up porn, the most recent time, she looked up threesome, followed by dp(double penetration). When I saw that, I literally felt sick as it is not something I can provide her with myself. When we have sex, I usually stick my finger in her ass and she cums shortly after, she used to really get off on anal too but hasn't been in the mood for 2 years now, one time we used a toy in her vagina while I was in her ass but I don't remember her reaction being all that spectacular. I asked her about the porn she looked up and she referred to the time when I used a toy along with myself in her, well that would be believable if she didn't look up threesome right after. I didn't press the issue because I didn't think she would tell me the truth. Maybe I am looking into it too much, I definitely look up all kinds of random things when I am looking at porn, doesn't mean I want to do it. If it was an actual fantasy of hers, it is sad, but I don't think I would be either one of the guys she fantasizes about being in her. _

"Because of my blow-ups towards her, she has stopped telling me things that she thinks I will get mad at. I have avoided getting mad at her as much as possible lately but it may be too late."


-This might take a long time to repair. She has to know that she can talk honestly without you blowing up or getting excessively defensive.

_I agree 100%. I tried to talk to her last night about working on our relationship because I feel like we are getting distant in every aspect. She barely said a word and when I asked her about it, she just said "these talks always turn into a fight". I told her that I have realized how angry I have gotten in the past and I have toned it down quite a bit. She doesn't seem to notice though, she often accuses me of being angry when I am not angry at all lately. Obviously she doesn't trust me either, so this is probably why it seems like she sugar coats everything or just avoids communication about anything serious. Not sure to build any trust when I can't talk to her though. _

My theory is that some women like the pursuit and are truly interested in sex during courtship. Once they have you some switch turns off and they start using sex as a tool also men can become pretty passive about sex. 

Your Wife Has No Desire for Sex? You Better Read This - Yahoo Voices - voices.yahoo.com

The problem as I see it is that it is harder to maintain the illusion of courtship than it seems like it would. I do not know if it is always really possible because you are always going to be the same man even if you are trying to behave in a different way.


_Yeah, from what I have read, I need to get her chasing me again, but that seems impossible when she doesn't seem to have any interest anymore. I mean, I have spent the last year or so treating her like a roommate, if there was a time for her to try to win me over again, I would think she would have done it then. Although, maybe she did and I missed it because I was pretty much checked out of the relationship at that point. Speaking of that, my own situation is the only thing giving me hope here. I was so done with her, everything she did annoyed me. Then she managed to completely turn it around and have me chasing her by talking to this other guy(although I am sure that getting my attention again wasn't her intentions, but it worked). I have contemplated talking to other girls and leaving her slight hints, but considering she still works with him, I fear that it would just give her an excuse to pursue him more. _


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I've read this whole thread and I'm going to tell you to make plans to leave this woman, but for a different reason.

She has no insight into her behavior and instead of being able to tell you what she wants and needs from you, she pursues other exciting things. When you stand up for yourself, she anxiously clings to you. When you are affectionate, she actively pushes you away.

This, in a nut shell, is the foundation of an unstable woman.

She seeks excitement, she wants the chase, she wants passion but on her terms only. 

Because this has been going on for 4 years your day to day interactions have taken on a deep and nasty meaning. You are affectionate, she thinks it's all about sex. You pull away, she seeks out excitement elsewhere. You initiate sex, she turns you down. You initiate a fight, she wants sex.

Do you see how fvcking crazy and back asswards that is? You two can no longer relate to each other in a healthy way and please believe me when I say this, it will take YEARS for her to get her sh!t together and own her side of the street! YEARS, I am not exaggerating. And that's IF she is prompted to even examine how she herself has contributed to this unhealthy dynamic...a big if!

Also, whose idea was it to move each year? Was it hers, her job, a mutual idea, your job? If it was her prompting this move each year that is a clear indication this woman doesn't really want stable and is chasing something she will never find. Life and relationships take work, but she isn't working toward stability. While she has you in her life she doesn't need to examine herself. You bring her enough validation that she can continue to chase the new shiny thing.

Just save your money, and make a plan to leave. I honestly believe that, even as functional as she appears to be she will make your life totally miserable because she is very unstable emotionally.


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## wanderingwheat (Oct 27, 2013)

I've been to r/deadbedrooms as well and I agree, it's pretty grim. 

Firstly, I'd just like to share my sympathy for your situation. You sound like you are suffering and there is nothing worse than feeling so alone when your partner is right next to you. I was going to ask you if you love this woman and want to salvage this relationship, but you have stated you want to, so here is my thoughts. 

It sounds like you both have gotten into a kind of gridlock. Now just the word "sex" is loaded, and has become a trigger, probably for both of you. In my mind, what that means is that both of you slip into the same roles and fall into the same arguments every time it comes up. It sounds like you have tried a number of different ways to get things rolling again. 

I totally agree with the steps you are taking with backing off, not being too needy-I'm going through the same thing with my partner now (day 3!) Have you read this thread? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

What I learned from reading that is that I was the "warm" spouse and often suffocating my "cold" partner. It sounds like you've been in a similar place. 

I think that if you have decided to try to salvage the relationship, there are going to be stages you are going to need to go through that may take time, and even then might prove to be fruitless. That said, I would say that continuing to ramp down the physical contact and sex talks are a good first step. Give her some room. Then after some time you can bring your feelings to the table. I would be very specific in telling her how you feel using "I" statements as much as possible. I would tell her that you can't live like this. Ask her what you and her can do together to change things. If she refuses or gets angry, I would have to ask her why she is still in a relationship with you? You can point to the way things were before, and say that clearly she once had interest in sex, so it is obvious something has changed. What is it?


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