# I give so much away!



## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

I think that this last marriage has me reevaluating my worth. I cant believe the way he thought he could treat me and the root of that is my relationship with my parents. While my children were growing up, a relationship with my parents was deemed too risky in terms of safety so I pretty much severed the relationship. Once my children were grown, my Mother started reaching out to me and I thought maybe it would be a good time to reconcile. I was wrong. I feel like I am being stomped down further by my parents and really need to feel happy about life again. I am a Christian, I don't want too hurt people-I want to HELP people! I know the inherent weaknesses in human beings but I also see some miraculous acts of love also. 

Someone please tell me I am on the right track to want to enjoy life and be positive. Please tell me sometimes we have t let go of people, even family, in order to be happy. My Father is a child molestor and my Mother is his enabler. It would be ok to say goodbye to them again, right? They are sucking the life right out of me and are trying to make me question there is anything at all good about me. 

Tomorrow, I will be going to work, seeing some people at their worst, some people at their best and I have to love them all (but not necessarily their behaviors). I have to set healthy boundaries, forget about my personal troubles and make sure my heart and my mind is ready and engaged to help those entrusted to my care. This seems like a WAY better use of my time than investing in unrepentant monsters that I share DNA with. Why does this feel like such a tough decision?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes.. you are on the right path of being positive.. Sometimes ppl drain us mentally or being negative which becomes a dead weight. We must set boundaries. I know a couple of people who have cut out certain family members from their life. It's ok, there are reasons!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

LTCNurse said:


> I think that this last marriage has me reevaluating my worth. I cant believe the way he thought he could treat me and the root of that is my relationship with my parents. While my children were growing up, a relationship with my parents was deemed too risky in terms of safety so I pretty much severed the relationship. Once my children were grown, my Mother started reaching out to me and I thought maybe it would be a good time to reconcile. I was wrong. I feel like I am being stomped down further by my parents and really need to feel happy about life again. I am a Christian, I don't want too hurt people-I want to HELP people! I know the inherent weaknesses in human beings but I also see some miraculous acts of love also.
> 
> Someone please tell me I am on the right track to want to enjoy life and be positive. Please tell me sometimes we have t let go of people, even family, in order to be happy. My Father is a child molestor and my Mother is his enabler. It would be ok to say goodbye to them again, right? They are sucking the life right out of me and are trying to make me question there is anything at all good about me.
> 
> Tomorrow, I will be going to work, seeing some people at their worst, some people at their best and I have to love them all (but not necessarily their behaviors). I have to set healthy boundaries, forget about my personal troubles and make sure my heart and my mind is ready and engaged to help those entrusted to my care. This seems like a WAY better use of my time than investing in unrepentant monsters that I share DNA with. Why does this feel like such a tough decision?


I am also a Christian and I can tell you that the Bible does not teach that we are to put up with abuse. In the Bible it is called oppression. Verbal abuse is called reviling in the New Testament. We can forgive without having relationship with someone. Often it is best to sever contact with someone who is hurting us. In your case, I would say absolutely sever contact with your parents and don't look back.

If you saw them bleeding on the side of the road, call 911 and let the authorities handle it. Don't leave them there to die, but don't take them home with you either.

I recommend you read through the entire Bible cover to cover at least twice and look for themes about how to handle abuse. We don't lash out and take revenge, but we don't stick around and try to make it work with someone who is an evildoer either. We also don't get into the drama of a fool or evildoer by responding to their questions or accusations. We move away from it like how we don't put our hand on a hot stove.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Thank you both!

I am afraid I will have to terminate the relationship with others in the family, also, to skip the ensuing drama that will continue until forever. One one hand, it makes me feel as if I'm losing more relationships and I must not be any good at all in carrying out relationships! Who will I have left?? And the answer is that I may only have my daughter who lives with me, but that my heart will be able to heal and receive others once the dead branches are cut away.

CynthiaD- Great suggestion!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

LTCNurse said:


> Thank you both!
> 
> I am afraid I will have to terminate the relationship with others in the family, also, to skip the ensuing drama that will continue until forever. One one hand, it makes me feel as if I'm losing more relationships and I must not be any good at all in carrying out relationships! Who will I have left?? And the answer is that I may only have my daughter who lives with me, but that my heart will be able to heal and receive others once the dead branches are cut away.
> 
> CynthiaD- Great suggestion!


Exactly. You cut away the diseased and prepare for new, healthier growth.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

I love you guys here, what an awesome community!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I had to cut off contact with my father and his wife. It was really hard, but if I had to do it again the thing I'd change would be to do it much sooner and with no discussion. You don't owe anyone an explanation. If they don't already get it, you giving them an explanation is not going to help. Sure you can say that the relationship is unhealthy for you or whatever, but don't go into detail. Going into detail is getting sucked into pointless argument and drama. 

Proverbs 26:4-5 says not to answer a fool according to his folly. If you read the gospels, Jesus did not get sucked into foolish arguments. He turned everything around to truth and when he knew it was pointless, he just walked away.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> I had to cut off contact with my father and his wife. It was really hard, but if I had to do it again the thing I'd change would be to do it much sooner and with no discussion. You don't owe anyone an explanation. If they don't already get it, you giving them an explanation is not going to help. Sure you can say that the relationship is unhealthy for you or whatever, but don't go into detail. Going into detail is getting sucked into pointless argument and drama.
> 
> Proverbs 26:4-5 says not to answer a fool according to his folly. If you read the gospels, Jesus did not get sucked into foolish arguments. He turned everything around to truth and when he knew it was pointless, he just walked away.


A little too late? I texted sister and told her I was thinking of eliminating contact again and a whoosh of red hot flaming of me ensued. That's all I had to say, how could that possibly make her so mad? It's almost comical! 

I will have to change my number. It's amazing how angry people get when you just want to withdraw and keep from continual wounding. They need a dog to kick and they really enjoyed my marriage going up in flames. There is nothing to salvage in my "family".


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

That's too bad, but at least you can see clearly for what it is and not take on false guilt. Reject their accusations and move on. You shouldn't have any trouble getting a new phone number.

Anyone who enjoys watching you suffer or fail is no friend. That is what an enemy is.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Yes, sometime you have to cut toxic people out of your life. You have to ask yourself a couple of questions as a Christian: 

1. am I amble to serve the Lord and fulfill my purpose better with these people in my life or am I less able with these people in my life?
2. am I able to have these parents in my life and "honor" them?
3. Whose defines my worth? My earthly parents or God, my heavenly father?

Ultimately, we are asked to forgive when people hurt us, but we are not asked to allow ourselves to continue to be hurt.

I suggest you read "In My Father's House" by Mary Kassian. It's about knowing God as a father (written with women in mind). My father was not horrible to me as an adult, but he was unable to be a real father. I felt like an orphan when I realized I did not have a father like most people have. This book was very comforting and interesting.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Can I ask LTC what the behaviors are that have you wanting to end contact? 

No judgement from me btw. I ended contact with my toxic mother a little over a year ago.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Ms. GP said:


> Can I ask LTC what the behaviors are that have you wanting to end contact?
> 
> No judgement from me btw. I ended contact with my toxic mother a little over a year ago.


Multi-generational incest with Mother enabling.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

NickyT said:


> I suggest you read "In My Father's House" by Mary Kassian.
> .



Thanks! I wonder if I have read it? I've read so many things...


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Looks like I scared y'all. You probably wonder WHY in the WORLD I would keep in touch with such horrible family. And I have no good answer. I guess after 17 years without them and then my Mother said, "We don't want to die without you in our lives" I just thought, "Wow. It's finally going to happen. I will have the family I always wanted!"

So much for fairy tales.

The good news is that I'm done. Every family member is blocked. There is not a single good thing they add to my life and I'm letting it go. I can tell you that there is NO WAY the rest of my life is worse off without them! A huge weight is off my shoulders. They will die at some point but I've already said goodbye.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

LTCNurse said:


> Multi-generational incest with Mother enabling.


I am a Christian as well. Incest is worthy of stoning according to God's law. God knows the repulsiveness and damage of incest, and that is why He forbade it. Your mother would not be stoned, but she would be sans husband, which would have been an extreme wake-up call for her. The entire community would have known what she allowed (or endured in that case that she actually tried to stop it but was unsuccessful.)

Jewish (and Christian) society no longer stones pedophiles, we let them go to jail, according to the secular laws of our nation, where other criminals punish them for their wicked deeds. Even hardened criminals hate pedophiles, so that should tell you something.

Don't feel guilty for cutting them out of your life. They caused it.

I'm sorry you feel lonely. Family does not always include blood relatives. Non relatives, like people who love, edify, appreciate and treat you with respect will become your family.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

LTCNurse said:


> Looks like I scared y'all. You probably wonder WHY in the WORLD I would keep in touch with such horrible family. And I have no good answer. I guess after 17 years without them and then my Mother said, "We don't want to die without you in our lives" I just thought, "Wow. It's finally going to happen. I will have the family I always wanted!"
> 
> So much for fairy tales.
> 
> The good news is that I'm done. Every family member is blocked. There is not a single good thing they add to my life and I'm letting it go. I can tell you that there is NO WAY the rest of my life is worse off without them! A huge weight is off my shoulders. They will die at some point but I've already said goodbye.


Don't blame yourself for giving them another chance after 17 years had passed. People can change. But they didn't.

The next time they try to reach out to you (which they will) remind yourself that there is not a door in that wall, you figured it out last time you tried to walk through it and hit your face on the wall.

I had to do a similar things many years ago. Eventually I allowed a limited relationship with my dad. He was still unhealthy, and I held my boundaries. He came to visit once (we lived 4 hours away from him.) When he got mad, he got in his car and left. I sat on our porch with our children, calmly watching him drive away, while I explained to them that it was not our fault he left. He was an unhealthy man, and he left because he didn't respect us, and wanted his way, but decided to leave when he didn't get it.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Thanks for not treating me like I have leprosy (going along with the Christian theme here)!

It was child sexual abuse. When my father molested my oldest daughter, I then spoke with his sisters, who, thankfully, told me the truth. Then I cut them all out of my life for 17 years. Do you know what my own sister said? She said, "I'm sitting on the fence because I don't have children." YOU HAVE A NIECE!!! WHO IS ONLY TWO YEARS OLD!!!

It was so heartbreaking. I have no good reason why I ever attempted to reconcile with them


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm not sure the pedophile has to be ostracized by adults. But the elephant in the room needs to be acknowledged by everyone, and everyone has to be vigilant of him with regard to children. My father molested my older sister, so I was determined to never spend the night at his home, or have him spend the night at our home, or even let our girls sit on his lap. If he didn't like it, too bad!

It never came to that, because I had cut off him and my mother before I was married or had children. When I let him back in my life, he lived far away. The only time he came over was the one time I referred to above. He spent the first night in a hotel nearby (we didn't have room for him.) He spent a few hours with us, and then left angry, because I was not about to let him drive us to the store to get her birthday present. He was a horrible driver, and his wreckless driving frightened me (and my mother) when I was a child. I remember closing my eyes many times when he passed a car on a one lane highway with hardly enough room to get back in the lane. I was not going to experience that again, or have my daughter have to fear for her life.

When I asked for the keys to drive, he said, "You're not going to drive my car, you're a terrible driver." I responded, "Well I'm sorry you feel that way, but I won't be your passenger and be frightened by your driving ever again. I guess we won't be going then." (Our car was in the shop, so I couldn't follow him to the store.) He drove off, thinking he was punishing us, but he punished himself. It felt weird, and my daughter and I talked about it, and I explained why I wouldn't let him drive us.

I've experienced the ignorance and resulting cruelty of some Christians when they are faced by someone else's messy life. Glib biblical answers and judgement don't work for me. I don't hang out with people like that (anymore.) No sense being hurt by people who are supposed to help bear your burdens, right?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

LTCNurse said:


> It was so heartbreaking. I have no good reason why I ever attempted to reconcile with them


Could it be because you are a daughter, wanting parents and a family, and you hoped they had changed?


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Could it be because you are a daughter, wanting parents and a family, and you hoped they had changed?


I see what you did there. And it worked. I was feeling ashamed that I wanted a family. And you acknowledged that it was perfectly normal and human to want this. I don't have to hate myself for it. Bless you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I yearn for a family too. As unhealthy as my parents were, I loved them. The little girl in me needed them. My mother was loving in her own way when I was a little girl, and I loved her. I still wish I had a mother (I'm 57.)

My MIL is still alive. She is catty, very materialistic (name dropper, nouveau riche snob who thinks money makes a person classy, but she is lacking in culture) and she is competitive with me (I have culture, not $), so I have an arm's length relationship with her. She always tries to put me down in her subtle ways, and I don't need that in my life.

Even so, I sometimes think of calling her to chat, since she is my husband's mother, and could be a surrogate mother if she were different. It takes about 2 seconds to remind myself that the conversation would only cause me to feel diminished or disgusted and I'd regret calling her.

That little girl inside of me (and you) still wishes for a mommy and daddy. Acknowledging that helps me remember where those irrational urges to reach out come from.

You're fine.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> nouveau riche snob


I like that!

I am 55. It has taken me every bit of my 55 years to get over this mess. I've had:

first marriage-physically abusive to me and my daughters, Pushed oldest daughter down the steps backwards, alcoholic (13 years)

2nd marriage- alcoholic and bipolar (10 years)

3rd marriage-just getting out of it, alcoholic and verbally abusive lasting only 1 yr, 8 months

I know I am healing but it is just so dang slow! I hope God says to me, "Well done good and faithful servant" and He will mean that I kept going, kept improving, kept my faith and still loved people. Because other wise, my life looks like a big f****** mess!

The damage to my oldest daughter has been HUGE with Daddy issues. When she was 17, I got her into a private rehab and it cost me 80k and I am still paying it today. Payments are $600 a month until I die but I would definitely do that again.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

LTCNurse said:


> I see what you did there. And it worked. I was feeling ashamed that I wanted a family. And you acknowledged that it was perfectly normal and human to want this. I don't have to hate myself for it. Bless you.


Oh my goodness. Of course you want a happy, healthy family. You have some serious shame issues going on over things that you had absolutely no control over. The problem with your parents was there long before you were even born. I recommend you look into toxic shame.

There is a counselor, Patrick Doyle, who has a lot of really good things to say. I think you would like him. He has videos on YouTube. Here's the latest one I watched. You may benefit from watching it: 



 In this video he briefly mentions toxic shame.

As a Christian, Jesus solved this, but it doesn't happen overnight and you need knowledge in order to be released from it. 

You did well by removing yourself from the company of fools, even if they are your family. I hope that you are able to develop a strong group of friends. You are not alone in feeling the way you do and lots and lots of people do not have families they can rely on. Many of those people are looking to build healthy, supportive relationships.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> The problem with your parents was there long before you were even born.


The really weird thing is, I thought it was because of me...which I know is common with child abuse survivors. But I thought it so much that I didn't think it would happen to my daughter. Is that not the dumbest thing ever? I know, I know...it's common, but try to overcome the shame/guilt of THAT! The way I even remembered and acknowledged the abuse was watching my Father with my daughter and watching her blink away her fear. I KNEW. 

My moment of salvation was one night thinking of this awful stuff and how I was creating the exact environment for my daughter that I hoped like crazy to avoid. AMAZING GRACE! I remember it like it was yesterday.

LOTS of individual counseling followed. I was diagnosed with PTSD. Both daughters have had tons of IC. I wish it had not taken me so long but it sure has been the hardest battle I have ever fought. 

I will watch the videos, so glad I found this forum.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Wow. I'm so sorry. You were acting out of what you believed, even though you were believing a lie. How do we know that we are believing a lie? Something has to alert us to the facts and we have to let go of denial to allow the truth to penetrate our hearts. It took a huge event that rocked you to your core for you to come out of that state of denial, but thank God you did come out.

Now you are coming out of another state of denial. You believe it was possible to have a happy, healthy relationship with your FOO. (family of origin) Now you realize that is not true. The problem doesn't lie with you and you cannot fix them. You can only change yourself.

Sometimes I wonder why some things that are so obvious once I recognize them took me so stinking long to see the truth, even when I'm praying for the truth! Ugh! It's a journey that's for sure. But it's better to be on the right road through all the trials and perils along the way than to stick to a blind road that leads to hell.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> I've experienced the ignorance and resulting cruelty of some Christians when they are faced by someone else's messy life. Glib biblical answers and judgement don't work for me. I don't hang out with people like that (anymore.) No sense being hurt by people who are supposed to help bear your burdens, right?



That has been tough. My daughters' had a last name that wasn't mine and I was married to a man who wasn't their father. Then, I was divorced from him. Try fitting into a church! People ask questions and then they judge. It's not a good reason not to go to church (Hebrews: don't give up the gathering together with other believers, especially as you see the day approaching (loosely worded, not quoted). There is that element in every church so my advice is to be prepared to face it. It is painful.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Sometimes I wonder why some things that are so obvious once I recognize them took me so stinking long to see the truth, even when I'm praying for the truth! Ugh! It's a journey that's for sure. But it's better to be on the right road through all the trials and perils along the way than to stick to a blind road that leads to hell.



Thank God my salvation moment was so powerful! I was so lost that it had to be I guess. There is nothing that hurts more than to realize you caused your child to be harmed. That's another good reason to believe in Jesus....I've never read a more compelling story than the one where God the Father allowed his Son to take on all sin as a sacrifice so that we may live life more abundantly and also have eternal life. And the history of the jewish people who shed the blood of animals as a sacrifice to cover sin. Blood is life and Christ shed His for me.:grin2:


Pardon my tangent.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

LTCNurse said:


> Pardon my tangent.


I think you need it. The Holy Spirit is empowering you and giving you renewed hope. I'm glad you came here.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

LTCNurse said:


> That has been tough. My daughters' had a last name that wasn't mine and I was married to a man who wasn't their father. Then, I was divorced from him. Try fitting into a church! People ask questions and then they judge. It's not a good reason not to go to church (Hebrews: don't give up the gathering together with other believers, especially as you see the day approaching (loosely worded, not quoted). There is that element in every church so my advice is to be prepared to face it. It is painful.


We haven't forsaken the gathering together with other believers, except for a few months after we left a church, while we regrouped as a family. Where we are now attending, the pastor himself has suffered, so he does not judge and seems to set a good example. Even so, we are taking our time to get to know people, and we're not overwhelming them with TMI too soon. I used to do that, thinking that Christians would understand (what happened to our family because of my husband's EA), but I had to learn the lesson that Christians are just people, who believe in Jesus, and who still have their own issues they are working on....like being judgmental, even though they know we all live in the same fallen world, and sometimes fall ourselves.

I'm glad you found this forum. There aren't a lot of Christians here, but a few, and we are free to help other Christians, and encourage each other in the Bible and Jesus.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Even so, we are taking our time to get to know people, and we're not overwhelming them with TMI too soon. I used to do that, thinking that Christians would understand (what happened to our family because of my husband's EA), but I had to learn the lesson that Christians are just people, who believe in Jesus, and who still have their own issues they are working on....like being judgmental, even though they know we all live in the same fallen world, and sometimes fall ourselves.


We sure do learn that lesson, huh? :smthumbup:


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

I've been following this thread for a bit, and just wanted to remind you of something that is said in the Bible:

_For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”_

This is generally taken to mean that wherever there are two or more people gathered to worship Jesus, He's there. So it's okay if it's not comfortable for you to go to a brick building right now. Grab your Bible and find comfort at home. My husband and I do it over a messaging app at the moment since he's overseas.

As for your situation, my family has cut my husband's FOO nearly completely out of our lives. We don't call them, they aren't on our social media, and if they try to come visit, they can pay for a hotel. My FIL is a sweet man, but my MIL has berated me, torn me down, and after our last visit, accused me of wanting my DD to physically beaten by someone. Shes threatened to call CPS over a diaper rash, over perceived abuse (by one of my 6 brothers who all live 1 hr plus from us and hardly see her), and for me being a neglectful/unfit parent. So shes not a good influence for us. 

It's okay to cut people out permanently, because it's not their life, it's your. Even the Bible says that two people say leave their families and become one. And you're not wrong for trying re-establish...hell hunny, I'm just in my 2nd month of not having contact with my mil after trying. We are all human, we crave connections.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Akinaura said:


> I've been following this thread for a bit, and just wanted to remind you of something that is said in the Bible:
> 
> _For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”_


I have many opportunities to pray with patients at work. I really don't crave being a prayer leader, but sometimes it is requested and I have to do it! It is awesome when a patient finds comfort in a prayer with staff. 

Your MIL sounds difficult. I'm sorry you and your husband are having to deal with that! She is going to miss out on having grandchildren.:frown2:


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Report the molestation to authorities.


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