# My Fiance left without proper closure...help!



## gigi9999

I have been with fiance for close to two years. Soon after we moved in with each other, his son came and started to live with us. I have a lot of difficulties adjusting to it because his son lack the basic skill a teenager his age should have. Basically, he have to be reminded of everything from brushing teeth to bathing. We tried many methods to work these issue with no success. While going through all these, the tension between his son and me grew as well to the point this boy will not even say hi or bye to me. Early this week, I asked my fiance to have a talk with him because I do not find this behavior to be acceptable. The evening after the talk, everyone started to act more normal. However, the next day I found out the biological mom came and picked the boy up. I think nothing of it because it is quite normal for her to do everything on her own schedule. Two days later, I returned from work and found out the boy have moved out. I asked my fiance what happened and he just say he no longer wants to live here. I pressed for more info and my fiance said he needed more time to work through this before he can talk about it. The next day I went to work like normal but returned to an empty house with a note from my fiance. He stated he need some alone time. He have informed his work that he will need a couple of months off and that i should not contact him for at least a couple of weeks. 

Well, I am super confused now. I guess he is taking his son leaving as fully my fault. He only took some clothing and left everything else behind. What should I do next? Should I box the rest of his stuff because I have no clue if this means it is the end or what. Please help as I am still feeling very numbed and not sure what to do next.


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## 225985

I know you are in shock at this sudden turn of events, so take some time to decide any action about the belongings. I would box them up and put them in an unused room or the garage.

But think about this. You dated to determine if you and him were compatible. You both passes that test, at least initially. So you set a marriage date. But typically a person is at their best during the courting phase. If he just cuts and runs without explanation when times get tough, do you think that will get better AFTER you marriage? I sure don't. And most TAMers where would agree. 

Your fiance has baggage and issues that he needs to work out. In the meantime, make sure not to spend any more money on the wedding and look to see what you have to do to get any deposits back, if possible.

You should go about YOUR life for the next 1-2 months to determine what YOU want. It will help you if you get back together or if you do not.

BTW, you did nothing wrong. The behavior of the son is on him, his dad and his money. Your only "fault" was trying to help the som become a normal person. 

Do not chase your fiance or beg him. Otherwise, you will set up a pattern that you will regret the rest of your life.


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## Emerging Buddhist

I am not sure you would know what is your fault, he hasn't communicated that with you, so until then simply know that this something that you should learn from.

By learn from, it is clear how poorly he does communicate and that he would leave you with only a note tells you that this is not a person you may be able to grow with.

Respectfully box up all his stuff (this is for self, not for him), send him one communication when he can collect it, and change the locks if he still has a key as he has relinquished his rights to fair access to you and your home. This is not done out of spite, this is again for you so you can have closure and open your heart and mind to understand why you chose a person who would leave you in such a disrespectful manner and find a partner that will be better in communicating and dedicated to working with you to solve problems together.

I think you held your standards well, communicated well, and had expectations that it would be resolved well... now you will have to find the acceptance that this was not the right person for you.

Be with peace...


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## gigi9999

Part of me see why he left the way he did. His personality is one that bottle things up. I am a typical girl that wants to talk about issue. It create a lot of stress on him because all he want is space. I am not trying to find excuses for him. What he did is wrong but I understand he is in pain. He even went so far as to say he is going through a mid-life crisis.

I feel like my heart is in pieces but for some reason I cannot even cry. I have no idea what to do at this point since everything is just so confusion to me. I just feel like time have stopped for me.


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## DustyDog

I can't say that I've ever felt "closure" when a relationship ends. And it's never been one thing, it's always been a build-up of things that don't get resolved.

If the "dumper" (the person who initiates the split) doesn't communicate well, or if the "dumpee" (the person who feels like the victim afterwards) doesn't fully comprehend the issues or their gravity, then when the split finally happens, the "dumpee" thinks it was only that one last thing that came up.

My ex, from a 10-year LTR, to this day, sends me birthday and holiday wishes, always ended with "there was no reason for us to part". Poor thing.


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## gigi9999

The closure I am looking for is if everything is over. Now I just dont know where thing stands. I understand it is painful for him to hear his son no longer wants to live with us but he should at least tell me things are over.


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## Emerging Buddhist

gigi9999 said:


> Part of me see why he left the way he did. His personality is one that bottle things up. I am a typical girl that wants to talk about issue. It create a lot of stress on him because all he want is space. I am not trying to find excuses for him. What he did is wrong but I understand he is in pain. He even went so far as to say he is going through a mid-life crisis.
> 
> I feel like my heart is in pieces but for some reason I cannot even cry. I have no idea what to do at this point since everything is just so confusion to me. I just feel like time have stopped for me.


Such is fair, you are assessing eyes wide open in this area of your relationship and you have compassion for why he is searching like he is... but life together requires paths together and in that is now also the silence that comes with it as well, it is painful I know. Making such a statement as feeling he is in a "mid-life crisis" is letting you know he is very unsettled by things he cannot identify at the present, or as you shared, will not talk about. Whether he is or isn't is something only he can initially sort out. If he opens up and allows you to be part then it will be much easier. Perhaps his abandonment is a one time sorting, but adult relationships are voluntary -all the time. If there is not full commitment, there will never be a full relationship.

While it seems to stand still, moment to moment is happening and makes the difference. There are moments in this that it is perfectly fine to take the time to find what exactly is confusing you, if you can identify those areas then you can rebuild the confidence you need to make good decisions for yourself.

Believe in yourself, take the time you now have to identify where you are, where you need to be, and how you need to place yourself there. Find a peaceful place to meditate or calm yourself so that when the right time comes you will have the clarity you need for sound decisions.

He is your Fiancé... these things are meant to be sorted out in this time, hope for the best but prepare yourself for the things you can strengthen within so that if this does not end the way you wish, it will give you the foundation for building something new that you can stand on tomorrow.


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## Emerging Buddhist

DustyDog said:


> I can't say that I've ever felt "closure" when a relationship ends. And it's never been one thing, it's always been a build-up of things that don't get resolved.
> 
> If the "dumper" (the person who initiates the split) doesn't communicate well, or if the "dumpee" (the person who feels like the victim afterwards) doesn't fully comprehend the issues or their gravity, then when the split finally happens, the "dumpee" thinks it was only that one last thing that came up.
> 
> My ex, from a 10-year LTR, to this day, sends me birthday and holiday wishes, always ended with "there was no reason for us to part". Poor thing.


Closure is acceptance and forgiveness for yourself... either side, just the same.


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## gigi9999

Thanks for all the support! It would be much easier if he just came out and said that he decided to go on with his life with his son because his son refuse to live with us together. The silent or no answer is the toughest part of it.


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## Openminded

He may want time to decide if it's really over or he may already have decided that it is and just not told you. Unfortunately, some people don't communicate well -- and don't want to learn how to. 

Be glad you found that out before you married him.


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## kingsman

From the brief story you wrote it seems likely that his son didn't want to be told what to do by you, and rebelled.

That is indeed a tough situation to be in when you're in that step parent role, especially when the kids have major problems. Do you sit back and do nothing or do you try to make things better? In retrospect you could have let dad handle it and just give dad some suggestions as to how to handle his troublesome child.

Probably Dad took offense to what he perceived as you over stepping or he felt he had to make a choice between his son and you.

Unfortunate.


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## gigi9999

kingsman said:


> From the brief story you wrote it seems likely that his son didn't want to be told what to do by you, and rebelled.
> 
> That is indeed a tough situation to be in when you're in that step parent role, especially when the kids have major problems. Do you sit back and do nothing or do you try to make things better? In retrospect you could have let dad handle it and just give dad some suggestions as to how to handle his troublesome child.
> 
> Probably Dad took offense to what he perceived as you over stepping or he felt he had to make a choice between his son and you.
> 
> Unfortunate.


I tried to let my fiance handle things but that just ended up being the kid goes without brushing his teeth for days because he does not check on him. I have asked my fiance how he would like to get this behavior to change and he could not come up with any idea other than keep reminding him. I really wanted him to help me adjust and take the lead to resolve the issue but he have no clue how not to be a weekend dad. To him, his kid is just forgetful. I tried backing off and that is when I realized the kid was failing his classes because he was not doing homework. He will come home and tell us that he finished his homework at school. I realized something does not sound right because it was happening daily. I asked my fiance to check and he just reply that he believe his son until I found his hidden report card and showed it to him. Yes, there are a number of time I lost my coolness because simple things just keep on repeating even after we put a whiteboard and wrote it all down on it.

The strangest part to this all is that for a whole month my fiance suggested sending his kid back to his mom so that it does not destroy our relationship. I kept telling him we need to solve the issue because sending him away does not resolve anything. The resentment is there already so that really needs to be resolved. All I ever wanted was his son to start acting responsible and respectful. 

To me, something he told his son earlier in the week is what caused his son to want to move out. Because that evening, he was acting politely with me. I am just not sure what my fiance told him that day that caused his son to ask his mom to come pick him up the very next day.


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## 225985

gigi9999 said:


> Thanks for all the support! It would be much easier if he just came out and said that he decided to go on with his life with his son because his son refuse to live with us together. *The silent or no answer is the toughest part of it.*


The silent or no answer IS an answer.


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## gigi9999

blueinbr said:


> The silent or no answer IS an answer.


If he took his son and moved out then I have an answer. Instead, his son is with his bio mom and he went to his brother who is out of the state.


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## 225985

How long did you know him before you moved in together and did he move in to your place? Also, why did your son move from living with his bio mom to living with you?


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## bandit.45

He's a passive aggressive douche. Tell him to stay gone, while you go find an adult male to date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gigi9999

blueinbr said:


> How long did you know him before you moved in together and did he move in to your place? Also, why did your son move from living with his bio mom to living with you?


We were together for 6 months before he moved in to my place. About 3 months after that is when his son's bio mom decided her son should come stay with us. I did not think it was a great idea since we are just adjusting and bring a third person will complicate things even more.

His son been living with us for a whole year before his son told his bio mom that he wanted to be back with her. Per my fiance, they just showed up and packed his son stuff up.

I have no kids.


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## WorkingOnMe

Wow, a teenager who had to be yelled at to brush his teeth? How awful.


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## She'sStillGotIt

gigi9999 said:


> I have been with fiance for close to two years. Soon after we moved in with each other, his son came and started to live with us.


I'd be real curious to know if this arrangement - his obnoxious, disrespectful teenage kid moving in with both of you - had been discussed *BEFORE* you moved in together? Or, was it just thrown in your lap one day afteryou started living together? 

I'm thinking it's the latter.

Look, that was _your_ house your boyfriend moved into and quite honestly, he's got a brass set of cajones just expecting you to become insta-stepmom and move his kid in and start taking care of him when you barely were getting used to living with each *other*. I'm willing to bet your ex had no problem letting _you_ do the kid's laundry, pick up after him, clean up the house after him, cook his meals for him and do everything ELSE the kid needed. 

Funny how that works, isn't it?

Yet he apparently thought it was just fine that the kid continually disrespected you in your OWN home.



> Well, I am super confused now. I guess he is taking his son leaving as fully my fault. He only took some clothing and left everything else behind. What should I do next? Should I box the rest of his stuff because I have no clue if this means it is the end or what. Please help as I am still feeling very numbed and not sure what to do next.


Who gives a crap what Mr. Self Entitled thinks. This ass seems to think anyone he gets involved with has to bend over backwards for he *and* his kid who is obviously the result of bad parenting. That's what you get when you over-indulge kids - a disrespectful little brat like his son.

Throw his stuff in a few Hefty bags and let him know he's got one week to come get his sh*t or you'll be dumping it at the AmVets bin.

I'm not sure what 'closure' you think you need. You GOT your closure. This self-entitled douche bag up and left you without a word - he showed you EXACTLY who he is. I think he did you a HUGE favor - you just don't realize it yet.


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## She'sStillGotIt

gigi9999 said:


> Thanks for all the support! It would be much easier if he just came out and said that he decided to go on with his life with his son because his son refuse to live with us together. The silent or no answer is the toughest part of it.


So, you find *weasel *behavior like this - acting like a sneaky little coward and moving out of the house while you're at work so you have to come home to the devastation of having been *deserted *- ACCEPTABLE?

You're actually going to overlook this disgustingly disrespectful behavior and let HIM decide whether this sham of a relationship is over or not?

Please find your *dignity*. You're literally letting this low life walk all over you and then begging for crumbs from him. Ugh.


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## gigi9999

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So, you find *weasel *behavior like this - acting like a sneaky little coward and moving out of the house while you're at work so you have to come home to the devastation of having been *deserted *- ACCEPTABLE?
> 
> You're actually going to overlook this disgustingly disrespectful behavior and let HIM decide whether this sham of a relationship is over or not?
> 
> Please find your *dignity*. You're literally letting this low life walk all over you and then begging for crumbs from him. Ugh.


For every story, there are his side, my side and the truth. The truth is I really had a hard time adjusting to his son. Especially, after the 8 months point, when I saw little to no improvement. I was so disappointed in him that I tried my best not to engage in him. It was at this time that his son started his rude behavior. The truth of the matter is it is what it is because all three of us handled it poorly. If one out of the three have better EQ, it would not have gotten this bad. I see it as all three of us had fault and is now feeling the pain our choices landed us.

I am not going to let him decided if this relationship is going forward or not. I will decide once I know the whole story. I need the whole story to determine if this was something I could forgive or not. My gut is telling me whatever he said to his son on Monday deeply hurt his son to the point that it permanently damaged a father & son relationship. What if his son told him he never want to see him again and that is what caused him to mentally have a meltdown? Or could the bio mom overreacted sine she only hear her son part and is now refusing to share custody? I just want and need to know the story before I know what path I should take. To me, this does not equate to me having no dignity.


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## EleGirl

Something like 70% of second marriages fail. And most of the time they fail because of this type of situation with step-children. I know that you are not married, but I think you have the same dynamic going on. It's just very hard to make this work.


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## 225985

gigi9999 said:


> For every story, there are his side, my side and the truth.


We responded based on just the facts of him leaving and the way he left. That is the truth



gigi9999 said:


> I am not going to let him decided if this relationship is going forward or not. I will decide once I know the whole story. I need the whole story to determine if this was something I could forgive or not.


Ok, but you must understand you might never get the whole story or the truthful story



gigi9999 said:


> What if his son told him he never want to see him again and that is what caused him to mentally have a meltdown? Or could the bio mom overreacted sine she only hear her son part and is now refusing to share custody?


You are probably being overly dramatic. Probably a million teenagers today will tell there parents or step parents that they never want to see them again. That is part of being a teenager.



gigi9999 said:


> He stated he need some alone time. He have informed his work that he will need a couple of months off and that i should not contact him for at least a couple of weeks.


He is taking two months off from work?? Really?? Who does that? And what employer allows that, unless under the FMLA? What were the circumstances under which he divorced and how long ago was that? Any chance that he moved back in with ex-wife and he told you he left his job so that you do not go to see him? And is he REALLY with his brother from out of state? Maybe not.


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## 225985

Deleted a double post.


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## gigi9999

blueinbr said:


> He is taking two months off from work?? Really?? Who does that? And what employer allows that, unless under the FMLA? What were the circumstances under which he divorced and how long ago was that? Any chance that he moved back in with ex-wife and he told you he left his job so that you do not go to see him? And is he REALLY with his brother from out of state? Maybe not.



He work for himself. Yes, it sound really strange that someone can just stop working. That is why I a part of me is thinking he must be a mess right now. He was never married to the bio mom of his son. He caught her cheating on him and he left. She have since gotten married and just had a new born so I doubt he is with her.

Could he have lied about going to live with his brother? Yes but there is really no way for me to find out so I can only accept what was on the note. The only way I can find out is go to his brother's and check but I am not that crazy to do it. LOL

I accept the fact that this could very well mean the end of this relationship. Given he is or was my fiance and not just someone I dated with, I think I should give him some compassion if all he wrote in his note were true. Compassion does not mean I think he handled things well. Compassion means I will empathize this and not jump to conclusion. 

I suspect most of you guys are parent. I do not have a kid of my own but I can imagine the struggle that he is facing when two person he love just do not get along. Most parent I know would immediate pick the kid side and leave the drama, but he didn't. 

Yes, there is probably no fixing anything but that does not mean I have to hate him as well or call him names. I do not agree with his action. We all have made poor decision or handle things poorly because of our emotion. To be 100% truthful, my heart is telling me it is over because I probably will not be able to forgive him even if he comes back. I just did not like the fact that I was told to have more dignity because I wanted to have more empathy.

To me, it takes more strength to put my own emotion aside and give compassion. We as people can give compassion to stranger so why I am I not allowed to be more compassionate to someone that I loved so much that we were thinking about getting married?


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## 225985

gigi9999 said:


> I not allowed


You are allowed to be anything you want. We are not judging you but instead trying to prod you along out of this relationship that most of us think is bad for you. You will leave in your own time, under your own terms, or not leave at all. The choice is yours alone.

Also be aware that the advice may change as you post more information, or the advice might soften. But some people will post after reading only your initial post, not having read the whole thread. This is more likely as your thread becomes longer. 

Do you think he has commitment issues? He did not marry is baby mama, and he is cutting and running on you, despite the engagement. The others are however right in that it is better you learn this now rather than after marriage. It still hurts, and hurts alot.

It is also possible that he asked the bio mom to pick up the kid because your fiance was ready to leave and he wanted to make sure the kid was ok before leaving.

Any chance teenage told Dad (he lied) that you were cheating on him, as a way for the kid to get back at you? That could send F off on an emotional breakdown and also explain his reluctance to talk to you. The possibilities are endless. 

Take some time to grieve the relationship and do box up his stuff. If he comes back you still will have to decide to keep him or not. If he asks why did you box his stuff, tell him that truth - that you did not think he was coming back and you wanted to make sure he got his stuff back. 

And it would not be undignified of you to call or text his brother in a week just to make sure he is doing ok. You don't have to talk to him. 

So what are you doing today to make yourself feel "better"?


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## gigi9999

blueinbr said:


> You are allowed to be anything you want. We are not judging you but instead trying to prod you along out of this relationship that most of us think is bad for you. You will leave in your own time, under your own terms, or not leave at all. The choice is yours alone.
> 
> Also be aware that the advice may change as you post more information, or the advice might soften. But some people will post after reading only your initial post, not having read the whole thread. This is more likely as your thread becomes longer.
> 
> Do you think he has commitment issues? He did not marry is baby mama, and he is cutting and running on you, despite the engagement. The others are however right in that it is better you learn this now rather than after marriage. It still hurts, and hurts alot.
> 
> It is also possible that he asked the bio mom to pick up the kid because your fiance was ready to leave and he wanted to make sure the kid was ok before leaving.
> 
> Any chance teenage told Dad (he lied) that you were cheating on him, as a way for the kid to get back at you? That could send F off on an emotional breakdown and also explain his reluctance to talk to you. The possibilities are endless.
> 
> Take some time to grieve the relationship and do box up his stuff. If he comes back you still will have to decide to keep him or not. If he asks why did you box his stuff, tell him that truth - that you did not think he was coming back and you wanted to make sure he got his stuff back.
> 
> And it would not be undignified of you to call or text his brother in a week just to make sure he is doing ok. You don't have to talk to him.
> 
> So what are you doing today to make yourself feel "better"?


He does not have commitment issue. He never married his kid's mom because he just does not love her in that way. This kid was an accident and he stayed in the relationship due to it.

I am quite sure he is drinking himself till he pass out. He is not good with handling stress. I have put a lot of stress on him to fix the issue with his son because I see it as a major issue. To him, I am an additional stress that he just cannot handle. If everything was planned, I am pretty sure I would have came home to an empty house Thursday.

Yes, maturity level wise he is not good for me at all. He is not mature at age 40. However, he does love me to pieces and I do love him just as much back. It is just unforunate that there is a third person in this relationship (his son) that is affecting it.

I am heading out to go eat with mom today. I am just able to bring myself to tell her what is going on. Thanks for the support and understanding!


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## soccermom2three

Do you really want to be married to someone that runs away when things get hard?


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## *Deidre*

gigi9999 said:


> The closure I am looking for is if everything is over. Now I just dont know where thing stands. I understand it is painful for him to hear his son no longer wants to live with us but he should at least tell me things are over.


Why would you want to stay with this guy? He left you. Didn't tell you why. You should want it over, and if you go back with him, he will do it again, because you are telling him that he calls all the shots. He decides if the relationship is still in tact, he decides the next steps, etc.

I'd not contact him. I'd move on, heal and eventually some day...you will meet a man worthy of YOU.


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## SunCMars

The Wormy Whiny Crab Apple did not fall far from the tree.

Your Fiancée's son hated to be told "anything"...hence, rebellious....spoiled...untrained.

Your Fiancée hated to be told "anything"....hence, rebellious....spoiled...untrained. He did not like YOU telling him how to discipline HIS son. Conflict Avoiding Twit, he be. 

Your Fiancée is not disciplined...so, how can "Laxity in Motion" stabilize a wayward Teen?

Now you know why is EX dumped him.....or he fled the Stables...out the barn door.

Immature head atop an Middle-Age Dufuss.


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## gigi9999

I am starting to wonder where did I say I will call him, forgive him, marry him, beg him, or ask him to stay with me. All I said was I am going to respect his need for space and use this time for myself. I do not plan to just go pick up another man right now so what is the hurry of making a decision when I do not have his side of the story. I am going on with my life as if he will be gone forever. If he reach out to me, I will hear him out and then decide what is best for me at that time. If I do not hear from him ever, then I would have healed by then and can move on as well.


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## frusdil

OP, stepmum here. 5 years in, 3 years married. My circumstances are little different to yours in that I came into my SD's life while she was still only little - you came into your SS's when he was a teen - that's a big difference. A whole different ballgame altogether, and much harder to navigate.

Take out the SS issue for a moment. Do you honestly want to be with a man who just ups and leaves when things get tough? All relationships go through tough times, you don't just bail! How do you know he wouldn't do this again? Can you really live like that? Too scared to speak up in case he leaves you?

I often find myself wondering when parents became such wussy sooks. A teenager should not need reminding to brush his teeth. A friend of mine is a kindergarten teacher and is often shocked at the number of children who aren't toilet trained, or can't wipe their own butts! Four year olds. One parent said to her on the first day of kinder this year "My son has never heard the word no". My friend replied "He will this year!". 

When our generation were kids our parents didn't ask us, they told us to do things and we did them. My parents weren't overly strict or authoritarian but they were the parents, they made the rules and we the kids did as we were told. When did it change to kids running the house?

Anyway, that ^^ is neither here or there, it's not the kids fault that neither of his parents have bothered to teach him life skills. The problem isn't the child, it's his father.



gigi9999 said:


> *I have put a lot of stress on him to fix the issue with his son because I see it as a major issue.*
> 
> Yes, maturity level wise he is not good for me at all. He is not mature at age 40. *However, he does love me to pieces* and I do love him just as much back. It is just unfortunate that there is a third person in this relationship (his son) that is affecting it.


That's because it IS major issue. You were right to bring it up.

He loves you so much that he just ups and leaves, skulking away while you're at work because he doesn't have the [email protected] to face you?

If I were you I would send him ONE text. Tell him that you consider his leaving to be abandonment of the relationship (because that's what it is), you'll box up his things and they'll be on the verandah at 3 pm on X day to collect. If he doesn't collect them you'll give them to charity. Or take them to his brothers - his family can deal with it. Real men don't just up and leave honey. 

Don't sit around waiting for HIM to decide what's going to happen with YOUR life.


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## gigi9999

Frusdil - What you are saying is what I am trying to process right now. I am trying to see if I think I can forgive or trust him. 

Initially when I saw his note, I wanted to react and immediately was about to call him and say we are over. I started looking for boxes in the house to pack up the rest of his clothing. While doing it, it all the sudden hit me that he could not have talked to me about his need for space to sort himself out because I would have broken it off with him or just keep asking him questions. He would then have to work on smoothing things with me instead of taking care of himself. In the past, no matter what he was going through, if I am unhappy he always put himself aside and take care of me first so it is only fair for me to do this for him this time. 

Even if he comes back tonight, I probably will tell him to leave and give me space to think things through. I need time to process if I can trust him again. Once I have that answer, I will know if I want this relationship or not.

Throughout my life, I have not been one that have empathy while I am in pain. When I am in pain, I tend to react very selfishly. This time I just want to relax a bit and be a bit less selfish. I believe this is the only way I can really make the correct decision whether if it is I accept him or not. For whatever reason, I believe I need to work this out on my own terms (not his) so I can become a better person at the end.

Believe me, if I read a story like this, I would have suggested the same thing like what you are telling me. =P


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## frusdil

gigi9999 said:


> Frusdil - What you are saying is what I am trying to process right now. I am trying to see if I think I can forgive or trust him.
> 
> Initially when I saw his note, I wanted to react and immediately was about to call him and say we are over. I started looking for boxes in the house to pack up the rest of his clothing. While doing it, it all the sudden hit me that he could not have talked to me about his need for space to sort himself out because I would have broken it off with him or just keep asking him questions. He would then have to work on smoothing things with me instead of taking care of himself. In the past, no matter what he was going through, if I am unhappy he always put himself aside and take care of me first so it is only fair for me to do this for him this time.
> 
> Even if he comes back tonight, I probably will tell him to leave and give me space to think things through. I need time to process if I can trust him again. Once I have that answer, I will know if I want this relationship or not.
> 
> Throughout my life, I have not been one that have empathy while I am in pain. When I am in pain, I tend to react very selfishly. This time I just want to relax a bit and be a bit less selfish. I believe this is the only way I can really make the correct decision whether if it is I accept him or not. For whatever reason, I believe I need to work this out on my own terms (not his) so I can become a better person at the end.
> 
> Believe me, if I read a story like this, I would have suggested the same thing like what you are telling me. =P


Honey, you two aren't just dating...you're living together and engaged to be married AND there's a child involved. He doesn't get to just "I need space" and up and leave because he's stressed! It doesn't work like that. Of course you'll ask him questions and want to talk it through - that's what grown ups do.

What happens when you're married and a stressful issue surfaces?


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## Emerging Buddhist

gigi9999, if you look at your first post and see where you are now, you will see how your thoughts are coming together with patience and understanding to what your Fiancé's actions have meant to your relationship. As you said, your own terms are the important mind at this point and showing yourself patience and compassion to not rush into any decision is your best ally right now, you truly need this to be complete.

As always said, all you can control is you, but that is all that is necessary as your self-awareness of all this comes to the clarity you need for your commitment to whatever path you take. The confusion in your words at the beginning are not as prominent, listening to you as you work things out tell me you see your role with more strength, use that as you weigh your trust in whether your relationship can survive the risk. 

If he is too overwhelmed to communicate in the here and now, then your hurdles may be too great and the breakdown too much to overcome... his openness and communication are critical in the next few days if you are to have any confidence in your future.

If the decision is to try to continue in the relationship and I were in your shoes with the love you know, my Fiancé would have to go through some dedicated counseling before I would consider entering into any additional commitment. 3-6 months is nothing compared to the grief of having this happen again, possibly after being married, and have to sort through many additional hurdles. In that time, it may not help if you are living together and might should have separate households so that he can focus on the things he needs to and not deal with the distractions, and he needs to do it for himself so he can learn to deal with the stresses that drive him to these actions. If you remain in a relationship during this time, perhaps arrange weekly dates to talk and rebuild such trust as is needed while he is in his counseling.

Doors open and close for many reasons... but never forget that the keys are often in your own pocket, use them with confidence.


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## gigi9999

Yes, my view have changed. Mostly because friends and more importantly my mom and stepdad all think I should hear him out first. This is the reason I am doing some self reflection as to what I have done to cause him to react this way.

To me, the most important part is learn from this and improve myself with our without this relationship.


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