# Here's the evidence...you decide!



## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

Ok, here goes again, I have to rewrite this freaking thing again I hit some damn key and it erased...ughhhhh. Anyhoo, Ok I'll give a little background info and then the new evidence. I haven't been on TAM in a long while, was hoping to stay away  OK so old evidence...... my husband had been sober for 4 years and started drinking again about 1 1/2 years ago. He hid it for a long time and lied to me about it, which I questioned his faithfulness because I didn't know what he was hiding. I had put a tracking thing on our phones so we could see where each other was at. He would sit behind this hotel in the parking lot and drink looking over the pond, what married man does that? Alone??? He was getting really bad at the lying so I decided this past August me and my 6 year old were moving back into our house. (We were in an apartment 2 hours away from our home because of his job) Thank God we were able to keep up with our house payments as well. Me and my 6 year old moving back into the house was because I wanted him to go to decent schools, I wanted to go back to college, and I also got tired of living with the alcoholic again.
Ok, so now we are back to seeing each other on the weekends only again, unless he is traveling, which he goes to Canada and other places for 1-2 weeks at a time about once a month or once every other month. 
Ok, new evidence.....he's in Canada at present......he had pulled $150 from our checking account last week just before losing his wallet, which he did apparently, I got a phone call from Geico because whomever found his wallet turned it into police station and they called our insurance company. He had cancelled his debit card and his Corporate Credit Card. and Thank God he had his passport at the hotel he is at. I wasn't really happy about him losing his wallet as that is his lifeline and he usually protects it as if it is life and death!! So he was drunk when he did this, he drinks EVERY day now. OK that was crazy thing number 1. next piece...... We usually call each other every night so we can say good night and pray with our 6 yr old. I had called him at 8 p.m. and got no answer, no big deal, I know he's busy, blah blah, so I tucked my son into bed and txt'd my hubby and let him know that our son was in bed and it was to late to talk to him. So at 8:30 I get a txt from him ...."baby working late getting log books squared away. Call in a bit. Working with the second shift. Love you." It's getting to be 10 p.m. and no word yet so I called his cell phone no answer, called the hanger (office) no answer, called his hotel room no ans. So I was pissed off and sent him my last txt of the night saying...."not happy with you not answering your phone again, same old **** of not being able to get ahold of you." So, the next morning I awake to a voicemail that was from 11:52 p.m. ...."baby im sorry I missed your call, we were at the hanger working the dbl shifts so I was there getting things squared away and I don't have great reception there. It's probably gonna be this way the next few nights. I know you are mad and I love you, i'll try to make sure I call tomorrow night". then following the voicemail I got a txt saying..."baby don't be upset, I have been working and following up on the second shift that we have the guys who are working it. We are at a critical time and need to keep them in order. I am sorry for missing your call but don't have the greatest reception at the hanger. I love you." Ok, so I didn't respond to that, and decided to go look on the bank account and I about had a heart attack, as there was $532 spent at a strip club last night. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This is what I saw: $5.00 atm fee, $5.00 atm fee, $232.32 atm debit, $83.73 atm debit, $63.20 card, $83.73 atm debit, $50.24 atm debit, $1.90 fee, $5.00 fee, $5.00 fee. Which none of that was our money to begin with, that was supposed to be transferred to his Corporate credit card. So I called him, no answer, so I sent a nasty txt msg and said that I know where he was last night and why I couldn't get ahold of him, I said I was tired of all his lies and I was starting to file divorce papers online. He txt'd me n said he was in a meeting and he would call when done. He did call back maybe 1/2 hour later and said that he and coworkers were at the Wacky Wings place next door and he wanted to pay in cash so I couldn't tell how much he was drinking. The wacky wings place's atm machine was not working ( I called to verify)  My thinking is this.... why would you need to pull cash when I know you're gonna drink, it hasn't been a secret for awhile now, #2 why in God's name would you go next door to the strip club to pull money, when there were other business's around?????? He lied about going out with coworkers to me on the phone, saying he was gonna be late with them, he lied about using the "outside atm machine" at the strip club. There is no atm machine outside. He later said he actually went into the club to use the atm. He said he would bring back receipts. He may not bring back any from the Wacky Wings place that shows the food/alcohol he spent. I'm so mad and hurt because I've constantly been lied to about where's he's at and what he spends money on, so you could imagine how I felt when I saw almost $600 from our account that was from an atm inside a strip club. I just don't know how much more I can take. 
I'm going to school so I can support myself if I have to, I'm in love with this stupid man and want to matter enough that he'd be willing to change his ways in order to not lose me. 
I just want someone's opinion if he could be telling the truth. What the hell do I do, what would you do?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I feel your pain, you are married to an alcoholic and nothing he does should surprise you, it is not personal.

You should be in Al-Anon to help with the emotional roller coaster. Someone very wise wrote this online and I will reproduce it below. Once you get the gist you will realise that you cannot control him (co-dependency insists on control) you can only take care of yourself and your kid.


"I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you. 

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my alcohol that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised. 

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do"


This is painful but the sooner you realise this is exactly how he is the quicker you can take care of yourself.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

Thank You,

Al-anon is a good thing, just not where I live. The first group I went to made me feel so depressed and these people seemed so helpless and played the victim so much that I couldn't handle going. The other group I went to were elderly and all they talked about was gardening, I thought I had gone to the wrong place lol. I know he's exactly what you wrote, that's why I'm going back to college to take care of myself  I just wish I knew if he was truly faithful, I guess it doesn't matter because I believe he's already guilty and I don't believe I'll ever get to the place where I feel he's trustworthy. This has left a blackened decayed spot in my heart, if/when I do leave, I'll never love again, the thought of sharing myself with another human being like that again or having sex with someone else makes me fill up inside with rage.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I completely understand you interest in finding out if he is cheating, but I don't understand why the lies themselves aren't much of an issue. You clearly don't trust your H, so where can this end up?

And please, he went to the strip club "just" to use the ATM??????


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

The lies are what has torn me apart inside and out. There is no trust whatsoever and I'm fried. I'm truly scared of the ugly fight that is ahead if I continue to fill out the divorce papers, been through one divorce already. I know he's going to make a scene in front of our son and threaten to get full custody of him, I know the laws and know that it's not up to him, I just don't want him to destroy our son. He will continue to lie about everything until he takes his last breath.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If you do indeed decide to file, is it possible to send your son to a family member's house for a weekend when you break the news. Hopefully, the worst of his wrath will be immediate and your son would then be out of the line of fire.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

I'd like to have it happen that way but sometimes emotions get the best of me, especially if he starts acting the way he does and I feel like im being attacked. I hate this, I hate having to pick myself up off the floor again and start over to being single again, I thought this marriage would work, I hate being wrong, I hate loving him.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

My ex's AP was in AA and sober. What I learned talking with another AA member was that there are some people who "wet or dry" are drunks. I had a key logger and reading his emails proved this truth.

Does this fit your husband?


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

JohnA,
If I understand what you're saying your ex had an affair with someone from their AA group? Yes, you can be sober and be a dry drunk, but my husband is back to full blown drinking, and if he's messing around it isn't with someone at work, I believe from the evidence in the first post I wrote that he went to a strip club, (not to get money only). I think he's doing things he shouldn't be while on his travels. He had spent almost $600 of our money at this place and said it was actually spent next door, he said their atm machine was broke so he went down into the strip club to pull money. I know drinks are expensive in Canada and he had his co-workers with him but I'm thinking he ended up staying at the strip club for more time than just pulling money from the atm, doing God only knows what. I know he's not messing with anyone from AA, he doesn't even go there anymore. I'd love to put a logger on his computer, but its a company computer and I can't. I'd really love to have a P.I. follow him when he's away from home but I don't have that kind of money.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lonely and Frustrated, you have to assume the worst when it comes to an alcoholic. Of course there will be no trust, you have to protect yourself. No unprotected sex with him, just focus on getting out. He may or may not hit rock bottom, work on himself if he sees you are withdrawing. Start protecting yourself emotionally, focus on your studies and your son. Lovingly detach from your WH. He will make promises and break everyone, he is not the man you used to know.

With regards to Al-Anon, there are online groups that communicate through Yahoo groups. Look them up on google. If you are based in the USA you may be able to call them also for support. 
There is also another group in the UK called Bottled Up which has wonderful material for dealing with living with an alcoholic. Remember you cannot change him, you will drive yourself crazy trying to monitor his activities, his drinking, his affairs, etc. You are most likely co-dependent too. Try and read a great book called Co Dependent No more.

That is no way to live, turn the focus back on yourself, you can only manage your reactions to him. Take one day at a time and work the 12 step programme (from Al-Anon) for yourself. i know it is difficult to switch off but you can do it.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't see that any decision is needed. You already know that he is a lying alcoholic (redundant) who spent a lot of money at a strip club, so the answer is easy: you have to divorce him, since he is unfit to be a husband.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

If I leave I don't want it to be the wrong answer. Does one get a gut feeling and know if it's right or wrong?!?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

That's a tough call. I should have divorced my h years ago, and we were even down to the wire about five years ago. He had filed, but the hearings were canceled due to weather, twice, so the final hearing was a year after he filed. We met at my lawyer's to see if we could work out an agreement. We left my lawyer's office with a decree that we agreed on with her help, and we left at 2:30 to go down the street and have a beer at one of our favorite bars. We talked and said goodbye and he got in the truck about 4:30 and I figured he'd got to the court the next day and file the decree and in a few days we'd have a judgment. But instead that night he showed up at 8:30 and said he wanted to cancel the divorce and not go through with it. I was at first ecstatic but the longer I thought about it, the more I was concerned and told him we needed to sleep on it. The next day he called my lawyer and said he wanted to dismiss the divorce, so she prepared a dismissal for each of us. Unbeknownst to me, he called her a few days later and asked if he cancel the dismissal. She said no, it would take a new filing. The dismissal was filed on and approved on his birthday in 2010, two years after I had taken him to dinner at a favorite restaurant and he looked across the table at me as though he didn't know who I was. 

I should have met him at the door at 8:30 and said that he should show up the next day in court and file the agreement and decree. When it comes to divorce, it is almost counter-intuitive. It was the last thing I wanted, but now that we're doing it again, I can't wait to get it done and hope if he's having second thoughts, he stuffs them somewhere in the place where he compartmentalizes stuff and saves it for later when he has regrets and is sorry for what he did. He can talk to me about it then, if/when it happens. 

I don't have any regrets either because I gave him every chance to reconcile and work on our relationship. But I told him that filing for divorce would run a dagger through my heart that would end us, and he did it anyway. 

If you file, you may not end up divorced; you may get your h's attention, and he could turn around, and you might dismiss the filing. But if he goes through with it and only fights because he's selfish and cheap, you have your answer. Divorce can always be stopped somewhere in the process, but the old adage "divorce is business" is true - it is a dividing of assets and determining the resources necessary for child support - but sometimes it means doing business with our demons and with our partners in ways that resonate. 

Here's what I tell my nieces and nephews and the students I advise. My gut, or intuition, never ever told me what was a right decision to make. The only times in my life I ever got into trouble was my intuition was screaming at me NOT to do something and I did it anyway. So when it comes to divorce, is your gut/intuition screaming at you to get out, making you sick to contemplate staying? Or is it quiet and not advising you at all when you contemplate filing for divorce?


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

I've been through a divorce years ago, I didn't think I'd be contemplating another one, I thought this was it. I didn't think that I'd be lied to like I have been, I guess im just scared. I don't want to be alone, but as little as he's home and when he's home, I'm already alone. I don't want to date again or try to find love again, the thought about being with someone else or trusting someone else ever again makes me sick to my stomach. I'm trying to picture my future and see myself alone and it makes me very uncomfortable. but then again being with someone and alone is worse.


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## Riptide (Nov 2, 2015)

oh dear. I am going through my first divorce after 23 years of marriage and I could not imagine going through it again. This possibly being your second I can see your apprehension in ever being in another relationship. This one seems very toxic and not worth salvaging from afar. Take the time to figure yourself out and get used to being alone then look into the possibility of dating or trying another relationship. Trying to soon just to get rid if the lonely feeling will only cause you to settle and you might find your self in another situation. Allow yourself time to heal, not feel like you need someone and stay true to yourself in what you are looking for in a partner. It is out there and don't discount finding happiness again, just do it on your terms.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

This is my second divorce, and his third. He's going to marry his OW, and this will be the fourth marriage for both of them. My h picked up a woman on the rebound while he and his first wife tried reconciliation after her cheating; she bailed on the R, and then by the time she wanted to try again, he had a woman pregnant and married her and was miserable until he left. 

I met him four years after his divorce was final and thought he had taken care of business. Look, I totally understand that you don't want to be alone, but you don't have to be. I have no intention of finding a new relationship and I have lots of things to do and friends who value me and who are important to me, and I am going to have a full life. In fact, I'm going to be able to do some things I couldn't do while h was home. It was all about him all the time, his surgery, his prescriptions, his this, his that, his depression, his mania (I would sit and listen to him for hours talk about his next million-dollar invention), and I would smile and gaze adoringly at him. He was either like the energizer bunny or he was exhausted and sitting on the couch or shopping online or in the mall spending money. Since I'm not like that and prefer a much slower and quieter existence, my life is MY life again. Do you like volunteering, at a food bank, a soup kitchen, tutoring elementary school children? What is your bliss? If you could do anything for the rest of your life and money was no object and you didn't have to work, how would you spend your time? Can you do that with this guy? Sure, marriage is give and take but it is not that you give yourself up and walk away from you. 

What are some of the things that interest you and feed your soul? Do those. If you leave him, you have time to rediscover yourself and find your values and find your own VALUE and there's always a chance that the right person will come into your life. But even IF they are the right person, you won't be right for them if you're not really and truly who you are and embrace that, and not feel you have to change and adapt to someone else in order to be compatible. 

My husband and I did great for 13 years, until a physical health issue torpedoed his mental health. Shyte happens in life. But you sound strong and you sound sure of what's wrong in your relationship and what it does to your soul. Are you going to waste who you are and what you can give to the world to stay in a relationship?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lonely&frustrated said:


> If I leave I don't want it to be the wrong answer. Does one get a gut feeling and know if it's right or wrong?!?


Leaving is the ONLY way he will ever have any reason to get and stay sober and get the REAL help he needs - AA. And in the meantime, you're protecting you and your child from being with an alcoholic. Staying accomplishes NOTHING.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

If money was no object, id be traveling the world with my son, going to places where its warm, beaches, I'd love to go see a lot of other countries. Get in an R.V. and travel the U.S.  but for now, I'm in college and working towards a degree so I can support myself. That's where I'm at. 
As far as the H, he's been through treatment, been in AA, he knows what he has to do, it's that he doesn't want to. I'm beginning to believe that he has narcissistic tendencies.


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## Riptide (Nov 2, 2015)

Lonely - You are on the right path. That is great that you are back to college and you have a vision of your future. It is not a quote I can take credit for but given your username and situation, I think it applies nicely

The Lonely Road of Faith is the least traveled road - but the least road traveled is lined with beauty, hope, and dreams.


Keep that faith and vision of you and your son getting in that RV and travelling...and someday meeting someone that will make you happy


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Lonely, I too am still in college. I have a full time job and am also writing a dissertation (using the term "writing" loosely) and it means I have less time to do a lot of things I really like. I started my PhD at another school in 1994, and was a full-time student but borrowing ridiculous amounts of student loans to do it, but realized the job market was tight. And there were not many male faculty members at the graduate level supportive of women in graduate school. I met my h, and then moved to the town where he was, finished my master's there and taught at the college level for six years. We moved when he changed jobs, and moved again when his employer transferred him, and I always kept full time jobs because I wasn't prepared to owe a mortgage and then go on the job market that was already full of candidates. So when we realized he wasn't moving again and the contract he was on ran out, we stayed put and I resumed my PhD studies. Then he had his health issue, his midlife crisis, I had surgery three times, and I am on year 8 of writing the dissertation after passing my oral comps in 2008. I can't wait to be finished and the Graduate College Dean gave me until December to at least have a working draft of the dissertation in order for me to be allowed to polish and defend it in Spring of 2016. 

I sometimes wish I'd never started it again, and had I know what was in store with h, I might not have. But I doubt it. Yes, I'll be middle aged still when I finish, on my way into the "elderly" category, but I finish what I start, always have. And I applied that principle to my marriage. 

Don't waste time; get that degree done, and you'll have a better life by the time your child is in middle school, and then you can have a life. Don't let your h's issues derail from your progress, and then you CAN travel and get that RV. 

Life beckons you, Lonely. I also thought there was plenty of time to get the things done I wanted to, and now I look around and life has almost passed me by. That doesn't have to happen to you.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

Wow TeddieG,
My problems seem so small compared to yours! School keeps me busy, but since they (admissions)messed me up a bit I have to wait until 2017 to get into the nursing program. I'm starting to look around at other schools because I WILL not wait that long. It's so dumb how colleges only start certain programs once a year, I understand the politics of it but I certainly don't agree with it. I'm so glad im not working on a PH.D. I believe I'd have to remove my eyeballs or cut off a limb!!! 
Anyhoo- My H comes home this week from Canada and even though I miss having a man in the house, I'm really not looking forward to it, yes, he will only be here for two days, but it feels like an eternity when he is home. We are just on two very different levels, he was raised to make money and pay the bills. That's all fine and dandy but there is more to a marriage than money, love and sex. He doesn't know how to safeguard his heart and protect himself from certain situations that could be questionable. He truly believes that he's never cheat or give into temptation, it's THOSE kind of people who get swept away. The thinking that they are "better" than that makes me laugh my ass off!!!
ok- back to my research paper!


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

@LonelyAndfrustrated, everyone problems are what they are, or I guess, challenges! You have a child, I don't. That's big. Good for you for looking at other schools for that nursing program! You can do this! I'd rather write about a topic for 200 pages than try to study anatomy and physiology!! At one point I did want to be a doctor, but my mother told me I wouldn't make it through my undergrad program, much less med school. She wasn't much of a cheerleader, and I absorbed her negativity. But that's a topic for another thread. In the meantime, keep up the good work and believe in yourself. You sound smart, strong, and savvy and you can do this!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's an excellent nursing program in Tyler, Texas, very high rated:
https://www.uttyler.edu/nursing/

UT Tyler nursing program receives national recognition - KYTX CBS19.tv - News, Weather, & Sports | Tyler-Longview

It's up by the north-east part of Texas. And it's absolutely beautiful there. My DD loved going there.


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## Riptide (Nov 2, 2015)

Lonely - that truly paints a picture when you will still feel lonely and not looking forward to him being around. That sounds like someone that NEEDS to move on because that is no way to exist in any relationship. At least being lonely makes sense when you are actually alone. It is fantastic that you have school to keep you occupied and some vision of the future. Hope is a powerful ally so keep plugging away. Like you, I wish we could fast forward to a year from now but part of going through life's struggles is to learn from it and make us better for it. I hope all of us on this board have success stories to share a year from now....or however long our journeys are going to take us, but you get the picture


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