# Love him, but don't want to be with him



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

How can you love someone so much, but not want to be with them? Taken so much, that you lost feelings for them, but the love is still strong - like family. You don't want to lose them, but you can't be with them.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

My brother had a similar relationship.

Married, divorced, started dating again, they got preganant, married again, then divorced

My wife pegged it perfectly. They love each other but can't live together


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> How can you love someone so much, but not want to be with them?
> 
> You don't want to lose them, but you can't be with them.


Because LOVE isn't everything.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Because LOVE isn't everything.


You wouldn't believe how many people have said that to me. You are one smart lady.

Why can't I seem to get that? Fear of being alone? Fear of failure? Fear of regret? Until I understand that love isn't everything, I'm afraid I won't be able to move forward...it's so scary.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bluebeauty said:


> You wouldn't believe how many people have said that to me. You are one smart lady.
> 
> Why can't I seem to get that? Fear of being alone? Fear of failure? Fear of regret? Until I understand that love isn't everything, I'm afraid I won't be able to move forward...it's so scary.


Have you been to counseling?

The only source for the answers to these questions is staring at you in the mirror.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Have you been to counseling?
> 
> The only source for the answers to these questions is staring at you in the mirror.


Yes, every week.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> So what are you afraid of?
> 
> Are you afraid of really living life and being happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I just know what I have if I stay where I am. It could be better, but it could be worse. I sound like a coward/idiot and I know that. I am a very successful woman, but this whole thing just brings me to my knees. I don't know why I am so weak.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

he's not happy, but he won't do anything about it. he'd rather have me like this, than not at all...his words..


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

on both of our parts...

My parents feel helpless, they just want me to be happy...


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

thanks Dean for your thoughts. Much appreciated!


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I'm in the process of getting divorced. One thing I've learned is exactly what you've been told -- love is not everything. I actually believe now which is something I thought was not true that you can be much happier with someone you have chemistry with, share intersts with, get along, someone who dances the dance of life without stepping on your toes and not be in love than being in love with someone who you just have nothing in common with and don't understand each other. Good luck blue. You deserve to be happy, don't settle for less.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

thank you Lifescript. I appreciate your kind words.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> You wouldn't believe how many people have said that to me. You are one smart lady.
> 
> Why can't I seem to get that? Fear of being alone? Fear of failure? Fear of regret? Until I understand that love isn't everything, I'm afraid I won't be able to move forward...it's so scary.




It took me a long time (5 1/2 months) to finally get over all of the fears that you just listed. Give it time. Eventually you will get over all the fears and be ok. Trust me!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds like your husband is scared of change. You both are, but you are torturing each other by dragging it out.

You may have to suck it up and be the bad guy and file for the divorce. Put this dying horse out of its misery. Your husband may be angry with you for a long time, but eventually he will see you did it for both of you. 

Move on.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you for the link. Hopefully I can become a stronger person. I am very much a creature of habit. Turning my whole world upside down (even though I kind of have already by separating) terrifys me.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> How can you love someone so much, but not want to be with them? Taken so much, that you lost feelings for them, but the love is still strong - like family. You don't want to lose them, but you can't be with them.


When you figure it out please let me know because that's what my husband tells me he feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think Bandit (welcome back) is spot on you might be afraid of change.

What you describe is very much like my ex and I. We had a very intense toxic relationship, we loved to hate each other. We can't live together, yet I think we both miss each other as well. Just today we laughed and actually joked around like old times....grrrr, sometimes you have to just let go and be happy. 

Fear of the unknown can't be any worse than being miserable.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Working_together - did you have doubts about leaving, because if you miss each other, there's some sort of a connection, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Because we love each other, and im scared of change, am I always going to question myself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

It's more about focusing on myself right? I'm having a hard time. It seems like something that should happen after D. Can it help me now? Help me make a decision?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Well we are separated. He travels for work too. He got back on Friday. We do not stay together. I'm staying at my parents. We talk on the phone and text everyday. On Saturday, we went to dinner. It was nice, but just not the same. We're very good friends and have love for each other, but no intimacy. 

While he is traveling, I stay at our house because we have a large dog. We both agreed that it was best. I cleaned the entire house. When I showed up he hadn't taken the garbage out, dishes piled in the sink, no food, no toilet paper, shoes and laundry everywhere, a pipe leaking with a bucket underneath. Even with all that, I still miss my home. I put so much into it.

We both said last weekend if we were just dating, we wouldn't be together. I know he doesn't want to lose me, I feel like I'm abandoning him. Ugh...I'm just terrified. It's nice to not feel alone though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

In mid January. I made the decision. We separated once in September and I came back to work on things after many promises from him. Nothing changed. I tried to talk to him about it in January over the phone (because he was traveling) and he didn't want to listen or talk to me. I tried to tell him how I was still unhappy and we had been trying. He basically flipped out, said "let's just get a divorce then and when we do, i never want to see or speak to you ever again," then he shut off his phone. I knew he had a flight, but he left it like that. I fell apart. I had been tryin and for him to just toss that around after I was just trying to tell him how I was feeling killed me. I actually had IC scheduled right after that. I was distraught. I ended up calling my parents. I packed up some stuff and left. When he landed (5 hrs later or so) he texted me asking if I wanted him to pick up food. He completely ignored what had happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm so sorry your going through this. On the other side of the coin, in our own marriage, it was the sex that was good but every other aspect was crap.

We both felt that it was the sex that was the glue and even after years of abuse and infidelity me and Mrs. the_guy seemed to have that intimate connection.

After 20 years it came to a head 2 years ago when we found some one to teach us both how to have healthier behaviors as individuals and we shared these behaviors with one another.

I really don't have a point but I do know that we tried everything to make it work and we both have a better marriage for it.

Now flip the coin back over;

You guys are good together, sound alot healthier then my old marriage but you can't make love........start with sex ...just sex and see if it Can grow?

IDK....fake it until you make it! It just sucks that you guys can't figure it out. Sorry I wish I had better advice.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks for sharing your story. Im very glad you guys made it!!

Unfortunately we never had strong glue. I don't want to live without intimacy and I can't fake it anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

We own ithe house.

He said he took me for granted and didn't appreciate me. I asked him why he basically stopped talking to me for like 2 years and he said "I was busy with other things." he said he understood why I left and that we would fix it. 

We tried to have more dates. But, I didn't need more dinners. I wanted intimate conversation. Ugh. I remember laying in bed with him at 730 on a Friday night. It was shortly after I went back ome. He asked if I wanted to o out to the bar with friends. I said no. We kept watching tv and at 9, he jumped out of bed and started changing. I asked where he was going and he said he was going out. I must have given him a look because he was like "what? I asked you if you wanted to go and you said no."

So much resentment has set in...on both our parts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

He pays the mortgage, I pay all other bills. We bought the house before we were married, even though we both moved in the same day. The house is in his name. We never combined our finances, so it stayed that way even now that he makes double what I do. When we moved in, we made about the same. 

I feel love, but not intimacy...I feel like he misses me being around, watching tv, playing with the dog, etc. lack of intimacy has been for a VERY long time. He said he was trying really hard when I went back, but I couldn't feel it. Could be the pressure and resentment.

I will be as open as I need to be. He wants to have a serious talk this week and I feel so unprepared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you value intimacy over love? Not just for short term but for the long run as well.

Maybe you shouldn't prepare yourself for the talk rather say whatever comes from your heart at that moment.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

When I say intimacy, I don't mean sex. I mean a bond, an understanding. Knowing how each other feels by the sound of their voice or a look in their eyes. I believe with intimacy, there is love. It didn't seem as important to me before. I mean, I was marrying my best friend! Someone I could spend hours having fun with. That lack of "intimate bond" has reaked havoc on me. Thought it would just come...I know I sound like a fool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Also, 99% of our talks. I talk and he just looks at me, so I feel like I should maybe have some ideas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> When I say intimacy, I don't mean sex. I mean a bond, an understanding. Knowing how each other feels by the sound of their voice or a look in their eyes. I believe with intimacy, there is love. It didn't seem as important to me before. I mean, I was marrying my best friend! Someone I could spend hours having fun with. That lack of "intimate bond" has reaked havoc on me. Thought it would just come...I know I sound like a fool.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How much time are/were you spending together? You mentioned he travels for work which makes it 10x worser for the condition ya'll are in.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

We were spending every moment together. He just started traveling like this last April. 

Dean - I know 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Dean - he'll talk easily if it's not about us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How was your relationship prior to his job change/travel? Any major difference's it made?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

It was the same, we actually thought his job change would be good. Maybe give ourselves a chance to miss each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is he open with his thoughts? WHen you have conversation's, does he say things you never heard before or is he more closed/introvert?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Introvert for sure....he's actually looked at me during a serious convo after I say to him "please say something," he said/snapped "I have NOTHING to say to you"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm like that as well. If I feel I'm being pushed or forced to say something, even in the slightest, I "explode" and say things I later regret. Some times I bottle things up because I can't/wont say them too. Its hard to keep my family/friends around being happy around me with the way I act. Unfortunately I'm still like this so I can't give you any idea on that aspect. Is he willing to socialize more? Go to therapy or other methods to open him up and feel less pressured?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you for the advice. That's how I feel. It's everything. It seems critical.

As far as the house. I have to stay with the dog when he is gone, but I'll stop cleaning excessively. If I don't stay there,, we'd have to board her and she's like my kid...lol

We haven't had sex in awhile....I won't/couldn't without that bond
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Keko - he has many friends and is very social. He clams up about serious stuff though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Im going to see how much I could get approved for, for a loan for a house. 

I hate this  itd be easier if I hated him or if he was a bad guy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> Im going to see how much I could get approved for, for a loan for a house.
> 
> I hate this  itd be easier if I hated him or if he was a bad guy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know the feeling....It would be so much easier if they were horrible people. But it's rarely this straight forward.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I just always felt like I should stick with it...I feel like such a fool though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey BB
It seems like you already know what you have to do. I married my wife/best friend after 8 years of living together, hoping that would improve our intimacy. That didn’t work. The we had a baby after a few years of being married and that didn’t really work. Then I did my 180 and we went from sex 2-3 time a month to 3+ times a week for over a year now, we still don’t have the intimacy that I need. She is really such a sweet woman and is still my best friend, even though I get so angry. Maybe it is just the resentment setting in. If you don’t leave now, there is a good chance you will be dealing with this in 10 years. Now we have a8 year old child and my wife refuses to get a job. It is great you have your parents. You are still young and there are other people out there. If you stay too much longer, you may grow to hate your hubby. It will be much easier to leave now than later.


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> I just always felt like I should stick with it...I feel like such a fool though
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From what I've read so far, it doesn't seem like the relationship was that good to begin with. Am I right? So unless BOTH of you are willing to start from scratch with intense MC, I don't know if there is anything worth saving. 

(I am in a very similar situation to you by the way.) I've been HUNGRY for a level of intimacy that my H could never give me. It's just not a part of his culture. I have to decide if I can spend the rest of my life trying to live with it or seek a more meaningful relationship in the future.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> When I say intimacy, I don't mean sex. I mean a bond, an understanding. Knowing how each other feels by the sound of their voice or a look in their eyes. I believe with intimacy, there is love. It didn't seem as important to me before. I mean, I was marrying my best friend! Someone I could spend hours having fun with. That lack of "intimate bond" has reaked havoc on me. Thought it would just come...I know I sound like a fool.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you don't sound like a fool to me, you are speaking my language


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

cabbage65 said:


> you don't sound like a fool to me, you are speaking my language


I thought maybe I was being a hopeless romantic...lol...emphasis on the hopeless part.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Blue: I think it's good that you don't hate him/each other. It's sad but this is better than ending it because of betrayal, cheating. It could happen that you two can still be friends after divorce although it would be weird and your next partner wouldn't like it/approve. If he's willing to go to counseling, try that. There must be something you guys can do to get the spark and emotional connection you seek. Maybe time apart will be good. Good luck to you.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Lifescript - we tried counseling..

We're both tired of being alone. Married, but alone. Even when I was home with him, I was so lonely. Sighs...separating was my way of ripping the wound open, and it will heal or not...I don't feel prepared at all to lose the friendship.

Thank you for your kind words.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How would your financial situation change if you divorced?


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Your story is moving. You are both good people but apparently are just not in love with each other. But you miss each other and are best friends. I think the best thing for you two is time away. You've tried counseling and it didn't work. Perhaps having time apart and dating other people will let both of you know you really do love each other (what is love anyways?), my experience has distorted my view of love or makes me question if it even exists -- it's all really confusing, lust, love, attraction, passion, friendship, closeness. There's one question that I think is a tell tell sign that you should or shouldn't be with a person? Do you want to have kids with him/her now or in the future? If you know that it would be a huge mistake because of x, y, z then you're with the wrong person. This helped me make the decision to divorce. I have a child with STBXW but know that I'd never want to have anymore kids with her. That's unless you are one of those individuals (I have friends like this) who don't aspire to have children, which is fine -- a personal choice.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Lifescript - sorry to hear about your D. No matter what the situation, I believe it's always hard. My H and I have everything going for us that usually breaks up a marriage, secure finances, nice house, nice cars...

We're separated, but not seeing other people. It's weird because if we were dating, maybe we'd be that couple that broke up for awhile and then got back together. Who knows? I don't think he'd go for dating, and it would probably be weird, right? Just seems weird.

I want children so badly, but refused to have them because I felt like we weren't in it together. I'm getting older, going to be 28 (don't laugh, I know to most ppl I am young), but I thought I'd be on my 2nd or 3rd by now. He wants kids too. He's going to be 30 and frustrated he doesn't have children yet.

I wish I could define love for you. I have major "Jack and Diane Syndrome" ...love should be easy, marriage is hard.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

The fact that you and perhaps both of youtelling would not be comfortable dating other people tells me there is still some love there. When you feel no love/connection/interest with spouse seeing them or thinking about them with someone else doesnt really bother you. 

You said you are both tired of being alone, together but alone. If do he will understand where you are at rmotionally and why the split.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

We split because there is no intimate bond. 

I'm saying, I don't think it's right to be married and date other people.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I want him to be happy. It would hurt me to see him with someone else because we haven't be able to make it easy and make it work, so yes, it would hurt.

There is no doubt love there, but not an intimate bond.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Ok. Got you. You're right. I don't think its right either but some people separate and agree to date others. Weird I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

And you have gone to MC with developing emotional bond as the central issue. Nothing worked ... take pride/solace in the fact that both if you tried.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

We went and he wouldn't talk, at all. Our therapist suggested IC, in his IC session he talked about how I need therapy, so I go, and he doesn't.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Ok. So the problem is he doesnt show you affection? No flowers, love note note, love surprises? Have you ever felt he loves you like a woman should be loved or no? He may have personal issues from childhood he hasnt diaclosed to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah, he's bought me stuff (I don't need stuff). He's wrote me notes (right out of a magazine).

I always felt like he kinda did what he thought he should do. I felt like he did a lot of very nice things for me, but not what I needed most, someone to talk to, someone to understand me, someone to romance me (NOT BUYING FLOWERS AND GOING TO DINNER). 

I think it has a lot to do with how he was raised. I've never seen his parents kiss or hug, but they have a lot of stuff....

His mom told me, if there is love, we can work through this. Wish I would have told her "Love isn't enough"

I probably sound like a brat. To everyone he looks like a prince who swpt me off my feet. Why shouldn't I be in love with him?


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Wao, I see your point. One of my best friends almost lost his wife because of not knowing how to show his love ro her and also wanting too much control (this is what he saw his father do at home). His wive left him and that was a wake up call. They went to MC and he changed his behavior. 

Maybe there is hope still for you. Not saying you should go back with him but maybe knowing this is how he was raised buys more time for him to change? If he loves you although doesnt know how to show it but is a good man and good friend maybe you guys should give it a last try. Have you shown him affection or also have problems with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I figured 3 years of marriage and 2+ years of dating would be long enough for him to learn how to show me affection.

Prior to the separation/everything getting REALLY bad - i use to show him affection by getting up early and making him breakfast in bed, going to his games and cheering him on, listening to him talk about cars and sports til the cows come home and never once seeming uninterested, telling him how handsome he is, buying him little presents, slipping notes into his suitcase for him to find later, learning all the NFL, NHL, etc mascots so we could play games in the car (he'd day a city and sport, i'd say the mascot), scratching his back..etc...

when I went back in Sept, that was supposed to be the one last try...and we did the one last try vacation last year...I'm just so destroyed at this point, and I think I'll always feel like maybe I should have given it another chance, cause that's what I've been doing for like 2 years.

He loves me so much, and he says he is in love with me, problem is, I haven't felt that for a long time. I've completely lost who I am, he made me feel like I am crazy. How can I not be in love with this guy who is so great.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

FYI - I kept telling him I need more...like I would be telling him something I was really upset about (even stuff not about him) and he would almost have a smirk on his face.

Or, I'd pour my heart out to him about our relationship and he would just stare at me, like I wasn't even there, like I wasn't crying, like I wasn't hanging by a thread...


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I totally get your point about giving it another try, but I just don't think I have it left in me. 

Some people are not wired to be affectionate....


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Blue: Your situation is starting to look a lot like what I was experiencing with STBXW. I would be there to listen, she would say I'm not listening. "You're not emotionally available" she'd say. She had a traumatic experience during her childhood that destroyed her self-esteem and made her think she was not worthy of love so no matter what I did (Im not perfect but did my best to show her affection) it wasnt enough because of her personal problems/depression. I need to ask .. have you thought about maybe you are the type of person that needs extra attention, more caring. Nothing wrong with this some people need more than others. My ex admitted she needed a lot lot of emotional support, etc. Did u go through a traumatic experience in childhood. How were you raised, what was childhood like? Something to consider also is loyalty. He hasnt cheated and has been loyal. Its something valuable and rare these days. What exactly (please be as specific as you can) do you wish to find in future partner or would like husband to have right now. If it seems like Im making a case for another try I am. Sounds like you two love each other. Maybe change counselors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I llove how this is suddenly all my fault..... 

I had a wonderful childhood. My family didn't have a lot of money, but we always had fun. I was a very happy kid. 

I want an intimate bond and attraction. I want to not have a massive amount of resentment towards whoever I'm with. I don't think I'm needy or require extra attention. My therapist is the best in the area - my H actually found him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I know you're just trying to help...I should just forget everything? We do love each other like family/best friends. He's been unhappy for a long time too. He actually told me in anger if we're going to get back together I need to change and I need to try to win him back, and im going to have to win his (use to be our) friends back too. It just shows me how much he doesn't get me 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

IBlue: I'm sorry if I made u feel like this is your fault. I was only trying to see if there are other issues at hand. Since you are both good people it's sad to see couples like you not make it. In the end, I feel for both of you. I think I understand your H situation because my friend was in the same boat. He absolutely loved his W but just didnt know how to show it. I think u shoul feel proud that you have communicated and done everything (counseling) to save the marriage. He had a choice. Learn to give you what you need and he has failed at that. In np way am I saying you should live the rest of your life without the emotional connection. My advice: dont let doubts and guilt control ur life. As you move forward know u did your best and leave it all in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

It's hard to feel like I did my best...I feel like if I did I wouldn't have let it get to this . Thank you so ,uh for your advice and perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Yeah but you said you showed him affection doing things for him. Expressed what you needed. Went to both MC and IC. You feel like this because you are grieving the loss if your marriage. Seeing from afar u have done wverything possible honey. Dont feel down. U will get out of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I hate that this happened. I was the happiest person until I started to question a life long decision I had made (marriage). I looked to my H to help me, to remove doubts. He couldn't.  I'm absolutely falling apart....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks lifescript. I always felt like I could accomplish anything though. Idk how I'm going to get past this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Btw..the loss of my marriage and the lost of my best friend....I can't deal 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

If you are like me u will wrestle with this for a long time. STBXW told me for years she wanted D. I couldnt believe my ears couldnt accept it and kept fighting until she had a PA while we were separated. This I couldnt forgive. Sounds like resentment is building up based on him telling u you would have to earn him back. Its better to split amicably than in a nasty unpleasant way. Have you ever suspected him cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

No. I don't feel like he would cheat. Idk though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ES780 (May 4, 2012)

Blue, I can relate very well to this post. I was married for 7 years to my best friend. I think I ignored the lack of physical chemistry because everything else was so good. We had a child after 5 years and I think because we had achieved all our milestones what was missing became glaringly obvious. We had also grown apart emotionally and the friendship we had once shared had deteriorated. Our divorce will be final in June and I swing from devastation and panic to confidence it is right choice. He is quite angry with me of recent and I feel very torn up about losing a best friend. It is so hard. But it was so good to read about someone else who had a good guy but no intimacy and that being a huge problem. I have often felt like a villain in this situation and like I am placing too much value on that but it is important and no one should spend their entire lives trying to get someone else to emote the way they need them to. Stay Strong.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

ES780 said:


> Blue, I can relate very well to this post. I was married for 7 years to my best friend. I think I ignored the lack of physical chemistry because everything else was so good. We had a child after 5 years and I think because we had achieved all our milestones what was missing became glaringly obvious. We had also grown apart emotionally and the friendship we had once shared had deteriorated. Our divorce will be final in June and I swing from devastation and panic to confidence it is right choice. He is quite angry with me of recent and I feel very torn up about losing a best friend. It is so hard. But it was so good to read about someone else who had a good guy but no intimacy and that being a huge problem. I have often felt like a villain in this situation and like I am placing too much value on that but it is important and no one should spend their entire lives trying to get someone else to emote the way they need them to. Stay Strong.


I actually cried as I was reading this...and I even read it over again. WOW. You know exactly how I feel. How are you dealing? I keep thinking...I have to start my life completely over, with nothing and I'm terrified, and the one person I want to help me get through it, can't. He said after D he doesn't want to talk to me or see me ever again. Part of feels like I'm making a huge mistake because "everything else was so good." 

I'm very curious of how you managed, because we haven't even filed yet and I'm already shattered.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Anyone else relate?


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> Anyone else relate?


If you read any of my threads, I think I can somewhat relate. It is a Too Bad to stay, Too Good to Leave situation. I feel like I should just be satisfied with the fact that he is a good provider and an attentive father. I mean, wouldn't many women just love my situation? But my needs have never ever been material. I am unconventional, passionate about sharing thoughts, emotions, etc. but can't get it from him. It's just not his culture nor personality. He is practical and a black and white thinker. I am soo opposite. The only difference is I have two teens to think about. 

The decision of divorce has me swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other. One day, I am sure. The next day, I am not so sure if I have tried everything. I am so confused!! Good luck to you in whatever you choose!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

the guy said:


> I'm so sorry your going through this. On the other side of the coin, in our own marriage, it was the sex that was good but every other aspect was crap.
> 
> *We both felt that it was the sex that was the glue* and even after years of abuse and infidelity me and Mrs. the_guy seemed to have that* intimate connection*.
> 
> ...


My stbx felt that sex was the last good thing we had together. But he checked out and found something better. It's nice to know that you all have come back and found how to make it work. It takes strength and conviction to do this ... good on ya! Happy for you!!


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## ES780 (May 4, 2012)

bluebeauty said:


> I actually cried as I was reading this...and I even read it over again. WOW. You know exactly how I feel. How are you dealing? I keep thinking...I have to start my life completely over, with nothing and I'm terrified, and the one person I want to help me get through it, can't. He said after D he doesn't want to talk to me or see me ever again. Part of feels like I'm making a huge mistake because "everything else was so good."
> 
> I'm very curious of how you managed, because we haven't even filed yet and I'm already shattered.


Well, when I first left it was rough, then it got better. He was very understanding and even supportive. We still shared holidays with our son and talked quite often. He assured me no matter what happened we would always be friends. Then about a year later, we filed...everything changed. I think he is just so hurt he can't stand to be around me very long. We have to see each other and interact on some level because of our son but it is really hard. I often feel I made a mistake but once I am around him for any length of time I start to remember how miserable I was when I was still there. We had a period of "trying" where we dated and even after months of no physical contact I had no urge to kiss him, etc. And even when we did my mind was elsewhere. That chemistry was just gone...if it even ever was there. I felt that was a huge sign. Whenever I am having rough regretful days I just remind myself how "trapped" i felt when I was there and how hopeless I felt about it all. All my friends tell me that I am a lighter happier person now (in between my crying spells of course ). 

I chose to leave when I did for a many reasons. First because my son was young enough to adjust to having 2 homes as a way of life versus a devastating event. I also felt I owed it to my ex (someone I still care for so much) to have the chance to be with someone who was truly IN LOVE with them and not just going through the motions. I think there is a huge difference between love and in love. Many people don't understand this and I think it all boils down to individual levels of emotional intensity. In addition, I (selfishly) felt I was still young enough to hopefully find someone else who I was more compatible with too. I knew I would only lose courage as I got older and more and more rooted. I kept imagining life after everything slows down, kids are gone, etc and I couldn't picture myself with him and being happy. It wasn't fair to me and it certainly wasn't fair to him.

Your ex may not view it this way now but it really is better for both of you to split. The marriage did not break down because of one person and it can't be put back together if both of your hearts are not in it. It isn't easy. You will have good days and really, really bad days. My advice is to reach out to friends and family, stay busy but also give yourself alone time to decompress about it all. Focus on positive things, career, exercise etc and before you know it this "new life" will look pretty good. I have messed so much up so I am by no means an expert but I can certainly try and help you learn from my mistakes, lol


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

lol


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

bluebeauty, I think it is impossible to be in the situation that you are without just a little ambivalence. All bonds loosen over time, and it is a mistake to think that even though parts of you have started to pull away; that some parts of you are still not somewhat or even firmly attached.

I believe that your statement that "you don't want to be with him" says just about everything that needs to be said. You can rationalize it to yourself by "wanting to be fair to him", but frankly that is patronizing. You have said he isn't a bad guy, so he at least deserves your honesty.

My advice is if you are intent on leaving, be gracious and leave. Try to be expedient in your court dealings, and kind in your contacts with him. You did say that you love him, so try not to leave him too damaged for the next girl.

lil,
just one man's thoughts


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

lastinline said:


> bluebeauty, I think it is impossible to be in the situation that you are without just a little ambivalence. All bonds loosen over time, and it is a mistake to think that even though parts of you have started to pull away; that some parts of you are still not somewhat or even firmly attached.
> 
> I believe that your statement that "you don't want to be with him" says just about everything that needs to be said. You can rationalize it to yourself by "wanting to be fair to him", but frankly that is patronizing. You have said he isn't a bad guy, so he at least deserves your honesty.
> 
> ...


Not sure what you mean? I'm not trying to rationalize...wtf
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

capacity83 said:


> lol


Why lol? Glad you find amusement at my pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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