# Resentment - the retrospective kind!



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Had dealings with my very near stbxw this week and we had a face to face for half an hour and spoke about the past 

Her resentment in order to justify her actions is truly of worldly phenomenon.

She's still brings up incredible things from the past even from the days when we were in the first bubble of love 16 and half years ago !! when I know we were both in that cocooned lovers bliss and her diary records which show she was in heaven 

but no now that's "you made me a get a part time job" and I never forgave you that" ( the records show she was delighted I supported in this job etc etc ) 

I just sat there the other day incredulously and actually feeling sorry for her 

Any one else had a lot of this the back dated retrospective resentment trick / excuse?
Using what you both know to be great times but later got re-written into their heads as "the dark times you made me do ...."

:scratchhead:


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It's easier to re-write history so that we can feel better about ourselves and blame others for our short comings. It's an unfortunate part of human nature as it stalls our ability to grow and learn from our mistakes. I'm sure it left you a feeling of bewilderment. 

You also lived those moments, you know exactly what happened, and you are right in feeling sorry for her.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

mablenc said:


> It's easier to re-write history so that we can feel better about ourselves and blame others for our short comings. It's an unfortunate part of human nature as it stalls our ability to grow and learn from our mistakes. I'm sure it left you a feeling of bewilderment.
> 
> You also lived those moments, you know exactly what happened, and you are right in feeling sorry for her.


Trouble is with this stuff is that a year and a half after dday divorce imminent and effectively new lives forged, you kind of expect both parties to sort of wake up with a few home truths and self assessment but from her her denial of any wrongdoing is simply, well ....words fail me


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Yeah that's she is still trying to justify her actions. At some point though it becomes more about justifing it to themselves than to you. I am 10 yrs out from his affair....it took many years for him to finally turn his vision internal and evaluate himself. It will come, but don't look for it to soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Well maybe I should clarify it took him 8 yrs to admit he really screwed up and wasn't justified.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

My old email account still has hundreds of letters from my ex, all of them sappy declarations of love and faithfulness. There's one that talks about how happy it makes her to see me eat, that she cries with tears of joy when she thinks of all the wonderful memories we're making together. 

_"These are the times I will cherish forever, my love,"_ she said.

She talks about some ladies at work who laugh about how they're spending all their husbands' money. 

_"My darling, I could never do that to you. If I ever disrespect you in any way I hope you slap me."_

After she left she wrote a letter to one of our mutual friends. This is what she said:

_"I don't regret a thing, Ash. I'm glad I left and I have freedom and love now. I just had to keep my head down through the tough times- the entire 11 year relationship."_ 

I didn't understand the mind and script of a cheater back then, and so it was a brutal sentiment for me. I was confused and horrified, and just saddened. 

Over the years I've come to understand that her new life is a lie because it was predicated upon, contingent upon, and spawned from a lie. 

Understand, my friend-- they *have* to lie about the past. To themselves most of all- how else can they validate what they've done, and by extension, themselves? 

Even the SS party had to justify themselves. They had to convince themselves and others that the Jews were dangerous- a threat to all mankind. They couldn't just kill them.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Trouble is with this stuff is that a year and a half after dday divorce imminent and effectively new lives forged, you kind of expect both parties to sort of wake up with a few home truths and self assessment but from her her denial of any wrongdoing is simply, well ....words fail me


My ex is remarried. In June, he abandoned the marital home he was awarded in the divorce. During email exchanges (he refuses to talk to on phone or in person) there was a line he threw in "there will be no malicious retaliation for the things you have done" :scratchhead:

Wait, for what I have done? He was in an EA on his way to cheat on me again. I left to protect myself.

There was retaliation. He took light fixtures, left 30yrds worth of crap throughout the house, didn't pay the water bill since Jan (its tied to the property), dug up landscaping plants and took patio bricks, busted the gate to the yard, took doors off....ugh it was a mess. And he won't respond to any communication from me. 

I just can't believe after almost a year and a half of me moving out, the divorce being finalized and him getting re-married and moving on that he is holding onto whatever he is holding onto.

I mean sh!t, I honestly say I could sit down and have lunch with the guy and be totally civil and amicable. I have so moved on from what happened between us. I have forgiven him and accepted that we do not have the same values when it comes to marriage and he is who he is. I learned alot from the experience. I'm thinking he hasn't to purposefully do everything he did in the abandoning of the house.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Trouble is with this stuff is that a year and a half after dday divorce imminent and effectively new lives forged, you kind of expect both parties to sort of wake up with a few home truths and self assessment but from her her denial of any wrongdoing is simply, well ....words fail me


You only expect this from her because it's what you have done and would do. She, however, has based her view of herself on you being the bad guy. 

Her subconscious is running in a loop that serves to support her own self-worth: Good people don't cheat without a valid reason. She needs to see herself as a good person. She cheated. Ergo, there must have been a valid reason. Insert rewriting of the history of the relationship here. 

Her view of self is based on her being a good person and you being a bad person who "made" her cheat. She needs to hold onto that in order to maintain her view of self. She lacks the strength of character for the deep self-assessment that might lead her to think of herself as anything other than a good person. She's literally in self-preservation mode. She may never get out of it.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

After reading your message it really made me think about where hubby and I are now with the entire resentment thing. The counselor has told us both we need to let it go, we need to be able to put it all behind us and let go of the old pain we caused each other. I am working on it, but at times....I do feel my resentments are going to be the final breaking point in our marriage. Most of hubbys resentments toward me are from many, many years ago, while most of mine are much newer. I am not sure if the more recent pain is why I am having such a difficult time dealing with the issue of resentments. It has been suggested to us that we not discuss the past, and concentrate on our future, and what to do to rebuild the trust needed for a healthy marriage. I guess that's part of my problem....is that possible with such new resentments?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

havenrose33 said:


> After reading your message it really made me think about where hubby and I are now with the entire resentment thing. The counselor has told us both we need to let it go, we need to be able to put it all behind us and let go of the old pain we caused each other. I am working on it, but at times....I do feel my resentments are going to be the final breaking point in our marriage. Most of hubbys resentments toward me are from many, many years ago, while most of mine are much newer. I am not sure if the more recent pain is why I am having such a difficult time dealing with the issue of resentments. It has been suggested to us that we not discuss the past, and concentrate on our future, and what to do to rebuild the trust needed for a healthy marriage. I guess that's part of my problem....is that possible with such new resentments?


In my experience, resentment tends to fade over time. So, your new resentments may take a while. However, resentment doesn't fade if whatever is causing it is still an ongoing issue.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When my wife was in the fog of her A it too was amazing the things she was saying about me. Things from 30 years ago. We were out one night at a concert and I "looked" at a girl wearing spandex. H*ll, that was 30 years ago and she remembers it as if it was yesterday. And I could go on and on the stuff she was bringing up to her family, lover and friends. 

Now that she is out of the "fog" she has said several times that she regrets this and that she was looking at anything and everything to make me look bad. I told my wife to hang on to those resentments is not healthy and in all the things that she brought up I had thought we had dealt with them.

For my wife I do think those resentments are over. But as we are seeing in the responces those that hand on to those resentments or rewritten marriage history are those who are for the most part using it as justification for why they did what they did.

I remember my wife saying to me last year that one of the reasons she had her A was that I was not there for her when her mother died. I had to remind her that I was there but she pushed me away because she was already involved with the XOM and was going to him for comfort and would tell me when I told her I can leave work to be with her, her response was, I will be OK, you don't have to come home. 

I see resentment as a real issue but often times it is something that should have been dealt with in the past and is used quite a bit for jusification for an A.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Yes my H still does this. I get to hear now how he never wanted to marry me or have children and by doing so I ruined his life! Really, this is news to me. We discussed having children, we both wanted them. Now granted, looking back we should have waited but we didn't, we were young and weren't thinking things through. I'm the one who asked him to get married and at first he said no, he didn't want to get married because of the terrible marriage his parents had. I was okay with that, sure it hurt at first but I didn't mention it again. It was him that came back to me and said he thought about everything, he was tired when I asked him but yes he did want to get married. But of course, now it has all changed and it becomes I never wanted to marry you in the first place.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My STBX was a horrible historian before our demise, now he re-writes family history on a whim, just to suit his present narrative. I laugh. Even our youngest has called him out on his blatant inaccuracies over major events that our family has gone through. 
He remains totally unwilling to accept one smidgen of responsibility for the choices he has made. The most honest thing he has ever said concerning his infidelity is "I get that DD needs to paint me as the bad guy." But then he has to add. "And you let her get away with it" Unbelievable.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

That is just part of the justification process. My WW has re-written history to the tune of "Creating" things and situations that never have happened. The kids are even old enough that they have called her on it, stating that things never happened the way she describes them. It is hard dealing with this. The worst part is that she seems to be sharp as a tack when it comes to remembering things from the past (no matter how far back they occurred) when they pertain to things I have done that have justified her actions (even when they are in writing in a diary differently than she describes) and swears it all is true, yet can't recall the smallest of details when it comes to her As (and that until D-Day was recently occurring). She claims it is the compartmentalization, yet that seems to only apply to the As. Where is the closed compartment of my deeds in her mind? It doesn't exist and seems to always be at the forefront of her thoughts. SO you are not alone.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

thanks many of you - interesting stuff

It's fascinating that what comes out of this is the self preservation thing but it's so warped, it misses or overides the fact that a future life for this kind of cheat must begin in yet another tissue of lies, it just never ends.

I of course am not perfect but I learned a long time ago if you get caught, red handed, lie once and see how that puts you ten feet further down in the **** so you learn to just own it. 

Put your hand up and face up to it. It's hurts, you do get humiliated but there is a cleanliness about trying to wipe the slate clean with honesty. You can, I found, move forward as difficult as it might be whereas you just lie and blame your way forward and you get deeper and deeper in the shvt. 

They can't see it, it's blind spot, they find some spurious reasons/justification for their deceit and betrayals and hang on to it like grim death even if you can prove right in their face it never happened like that or that their recollections are pure invention

It is a mild form of madness I feel


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> ...... when they pertain to things I have done that have justified her actions (even when they are in writing in a diary differently than she describes) and swears it all is true, ...... SO you are not alone.


Well this is right where I sat - diary entries in her own hand 16 and 1/2 years ago , in journals I only recently discovered wallowing in our first months of love and sexual bliss. Even when I put it in her face "Why should I even look at that it was a different life" !!!

er ........yeah exactly!


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Wow the WH and resentments. I am sitting here as the BS having to rewrite my entire marriage from day one. I have resentments lot and loads of them. WH wants nothing more than to move forward that's in the past and aI said I was sorry I would never do it again. The same words I have heard over and over again every time he had done something wrong in the past. He can eat all the letter where he would end them with, " Your devoted loving faithful husband." He was the one that wanted me to be faithful I can see now that did not apply to him.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My ex and I are talking a lot and one of the things that came up in conversation is that I never _let him_ go out with his friends. This is total bulls_it. I was always encouraging him to go out and have a life, he is the one who chose not to. I also went out with my own friends quite a bit – even to girls nights out (and no, I didn’t cheat or act inappropriately during GNOs). He was such a homebody/hermit crab and I"m very extroverted and need to socialize to be happy. So I had to do this without him or in his "safety bubble" meaning his family if I was going to have a social life with or without him.

From the first day we met, he practically dumped all of his friends and acquaintances and engrossed himself in me. I was even worried and brought it up to him that he should go out with his friends. His response was, “I always do this. Once I meet a girl, I want to spend as much time with her and when I’m single; I hang out with my friends again.” 

He’d get invited to go out and do things all the time over our 9 years and tell me about it. I’d encourage him to go and have a good time. He’d always say he was too tired. The one or two times he actually did go out, he came back within two hours or less. His choice, not mine. I never called when he was out or asked him to come home.

The truth is, he was a functional alcoholic for those 9 years and probably wanted to drink and since he doesn’t drink and drive (good on him, you shouldn’t D&D), instead of calling a taxi and drinking with his buddies or opting not to drink and hang out sober, he opted not to go out at all.

He also has moderate to severe social anxiety – and actually gets the shakes/nervous, turns beet red doing simple things like standing in line at the bank... Something he's only come to acknowledge in the last two years or so. But of course, I was the problem. I was the one keeping him on a tight leash all of those years and not wanting him to socialize. RIGHT!

After he tried to pin this on me last week, I said all of the above to him. He knows I’m right as there was no rebuttal on his part.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> My ex and I are talking a lot and one of the things that came up in conversation is that I never _let him_ go out with his friends. This is total bulls_it. I was always encouraging him to go out and have a life, he is the one who chose not to. I also went out with my own friends quite a bit – even to girls nights out (and no, I didn’t cheat or act inappropriately during GNOs). He was such a homebody/hermit crab and I"m very extroverted and need to socialize to be happy. So I had to do this without him or in his "safety bubble" meaning his family if I was going to have a social life with or without him.
> 
> From the first day we met, he practically dumped all of his friends and acquaintances and engrossed himself in me. I was even worried and brought it up to him that he should go out with his friends. His response was, “I always do this. Once I meet a girl, I want to spend as much time with her and when I’m single; I hang out with my friends again.”
> 
> ...


When the reality hits you in the face it is in a word startling. Like in the film A Beautiful Mind when he realizes everything in his life is a manifestation of his schizophrenia (Thank God for Spellcheck)

This creates a moment of absolute terror to come to this realization. I personally have had such a moment that took me years to reconcile that my actions of betrayal were completely all of my own doing I for years tried to invent reasoning to justify my actions of betrayal. It’s hard to own but own it I did as my wife is nearly perfect.

This created an environment necessary to heal your relationship and marriage.
OWN YOUR SH!T IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO MOVE FORWARD


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

My good buddy went through all sorts of this when his wife wouldn't break off an EA and he had to dump her. Well at least he thinks it's only and EA, but will never know.

She re-wrote her entire marriage in her mind. Both had grown up in broken homes, and both made a promise to each other that they'd never do that to their kids. Some of the stuff was she claimed was just unbelievable. "I never loved him" was the best. He kept all of her letters and notes she wrote. She was one of those wives who'd leave him little notes and letters all over - he'd have lunch and find one... or they'd be in his car. Never any sign of being unhappy and then this hit out of the blue.


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