# Marriage Down the Drain



## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

Where to start... I have been married for 6 years and have a 5 year old daughter with my spouse. To put it upfront I feel sad in my marriage 80% of the time. I am not the perfect wife, I know. Let me start by describing how I am before I start pointing fingers. I do not trust anyone, including my husband. I find myself questioning what he is doing all the time. Why I do I will say later. I consider myself just enough jealous and I am guilty of looking through his cellphone and nosing through his social media accounts. I am also too needy when it comes to attention. I like to spend time with my family and would get irritated, for example, if he goes to the gym because that takes time from our already hectic schedules. 
Now I will describe what has me questioning my marriage all of the time. My husband is hardworking and a great dad. However, I have found him erasing things (like his web history, chat history) from his cellphone so that I won't see and that for me is very suspicious. Also, I have caught him sending short porn flicks and random sexy pictures of women to his friends and commenting things like "She is delicious. I would eat her all day". That made my heart sink especially since he hardly kisses me or even makes love to me. To add to this I caught him masturbating in the bathroom while he thought I was in bed. I mean come on, I am in bed, so why doesn't he make love to me instead. I feel like he has lost all the spark he once had for me. He doesn't take any time to do anything special for me and most of the time he forgets anniversaries and special events. When he does remember he congratulates me and end of story, nothing else. Like I said before I question him all the time because I have caught him lying to me about where he has been. I want to add that I try communicating with him my thoughts, ideas, interests and feelings but he is uninterested. When we argue he always grabs his keys and tells me that he is leaving and I find myself stopping him all the time. Dragging myself down each time. All I think about is divorce although I love him so much and that would probably depress me as much as not feeling his love right now. I also think about him grabbing his keys one more time and me letting him go so that this drama can end already. Anyone please help


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What are each of your ages?. What is the frequency of your sex life? How has it changed over the years?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

PhillyGuy13
I am 28 and he is 30. We have sex if I get lucky maybe twice a week. When we first got married we had sex multiple times a week and even a day.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is he concerned about your marriage?


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

Lila,
Nothing seems to point to an affair, but then again, who knows because he is really good at erasing most things. His excuse for erasing some things is that I "misinterpret". My way of seeing it is if you owe nothing you fear nothing. I always leave my accounts open because I have nothing at all to hide.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> Is he concerned about your marriage?


I am not sure. I feel that he doesn't even care about communicating and talking things out because he just threatens to leave and always puts the blame on me. For example, the very world-wide used "Why are you checking my things?"


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I would gladly take twice a week with a smile on my face.

Any changes to jobs for either of you? Just the one child? How often do you date, just the two of you?

Some may say deleting phone histories are a sign of cheating. And that is true but by no means not always the case. He knows you get upset at porn, and being crude with his friends. So maybe he deleted the history because he "doesn't want to hear it".

As far as the masterbation, well, guys masterbate. Even some guys who get laid daily. Now if my wife was available and wanted the sex and I masterbated instead then that's a problem. Did you get angry at him for masterbating? How did you catch him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just saw the postings that you've suspected infidelity in the past. And now he is deleting history so you don't "misinterpret".

I subscribe to the "where there is smoke, there is fire" theory.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I would gladly take twice a week with a smile on my face.
> 
> Any changes to jobs for either of you? Just the one child? How often do you date, just the two of you?
> 
> ...


Only one child and he's had the same job for all of these years. I have been in the same job for 2 yrs and also going to school. We hardly date because like I mentioned on the previous post he doesn't make any effort at all to do anything special for me. He knows I love flowers and I can't remember the last time he gave me some. He knows I like going out to eat but he is always too tired to take me out or he "doesn't like eating out". 

I caught him masturbating because in his case the shower didn't help and I can hear it all. I went in the bathroom and he got tomato red when he saw me and his penis went from erect to flaccid. I felt like I wasn't worth it. I felt angry, sad, frustrated, etc.

And as far as the sex, only if I am lucky it's twice a week.:scratchhead:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I would think something is up, then. Use the evidence post linked earlier. The snow job that you got from him and your cousin five years ago is very concerning.

Too bad most of us weren't here five years ago. The advice you got to rugsweep it all away was -- -and is -- harmful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

Thank you all for your postings. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to make life changing decisions when there is a child involved and so many mixed feelings


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Sweetheart03,

Many wives say that their husbands use of porn makes them feel inadequate, others say they understand that a man drive is highly visual and unrelenting so some porn use just helps them to cope with it, and is understandable.

I think it would be better if you are able to be more open about it.

Like this,... "I get that men's sex drive is often unrelenting and that your drive needs an outlet like porn and masturbation, and I will not think less of you because of it, I know its common among men. What I can't live with is to be made to feel undesired, that will affect my unrelenting need to be love and cherished. Can we find some middle ground where both our needs can be met and our relationship built up?"

I am only offering this as another perspective and to give you something to think about, it's not a zero sum game, you may find that some acceptance on both your parts will greatly help your relationship.

This will reduce the need for him to maintain such secrecy and perhaps give you some reassurance about his fidelity.


Perhaps this is something that can be discussed in counseling.

Just a thought, hope this helps.

Take care!


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## icemans.insights (May 5, 2015)

Sounds like you have good reason to be suspicious Sweetheart. I guess given his comments to other women, that's a BIG trouble sign. 

I think I can safely speak for all guys when I say making inappropriately candid sexual remarks to women is pretty much the same thing as advertising he's available and ready. 

If my wife were writing comments like that to other men, I'd be crushed and I'm not sure there's be much marriage left afterward. Once the trust is diminished, the marriage is on the downhill slide to the abyss.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Next time he pulls the "I'm leaving" stunt, say "don't let the door hit you on the way out."

He's gaslighting you, and using emotional manipulation tactics to keep you in your place and feeling like it's all your fault. 

You'll need to enforce some boundaries to put a stop to that.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Next time he pulls the "I'm leaving" stunt, say "don't let the door hit you on the way out."
> 
> He's gaslighting you, and using emotional manipulation tactics to keep you in your place and feeling like it's all your fault.
> 
> You'll need to enforce some boundaries to put a stop to that.


I agree. Let him grab his keys and actually go. I imagine that if you didn't try to convince him to stay he wouldn't know what to think or do. Call his bluff. He expects you to keep him from leaving - don't do that the next time. It would be interesting to see what he does. He's playing a game and he thinks he's the 'winner' every time. He KNOWS you will stop him. Next time, don't stop him.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

To add onto my previous post - 

My DH would only be able to grab his keys and threaten to leave his family so many times before it became a reality for him. IMO, repeatedly threatening to leave is emotional abuse and needs to be addressed.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

always_alone said:


> Next time he pulls the "I'm leaving" stunt, say "don't let the door hit you on the way out."
> 
> He's gaslighting you, and using emotional manipulation tactics to keep you in your place and feeling like it's all your fault.
> 
> You'll need to enforce some boundaries to put a stop to that.


That is exactly how I feel. I am an emotional wreck and feel like another one of those threats will be it. It's even strange to say that I am just waiting for it to happen to give him a little bit of his own medicine.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

Decorum said:


> Sweetheart03,
> 
> 
> Like this,... "I get that men's sex drive is often unrelenting and that your drive needs an outlet like porn and masturbation, and I will not think less of you because of it, I know its common among men. What I can't live with is to be made to feel undesired, that will affect my unrelenting need to be love and cherished. Can we find some middle ground where both our needs can be met and our relationship built up?"
> ...


Thank you for your words. I have tried discussing my feelings with him but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. There is no good communication between us.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

Yes said:


> To add onto my previous post -
> 
> My DH would only be able to grab his keys and threaten to leave his family so many times before it became a reality for him. IMO, repeatedly threatening to leave is emotional abuse and needs to be addressed.


Agreed. This is something that we will definitely have to talk about. That's if he actually sits down to converse with me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sweetheart03 said:


> I have tried discussing my feelings with him but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. There is no good communication between us.


I'm only reading your side, so I'll give my opinion based on what you have reported.

To begin with, if you are trying to have a reasonable conversation with him about your concerns, and he's unwilling to listen, it doesn't amount to bad communication between you guys.

It possibly signals he's just not interested in hearing what you have to say. Frankly, I'd quit being suspicious and check everything out thoroughly.

VAR the car. Put a key-logger on the computer.

I am not one to jump at suspecting a spouse of an affair. After all, I was married to two alcoholics; their mistress was the bottle. They didn't appear to have any interest in women; just online porn. A couple of losers.

But in your case? I'd verify what I suspect.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Sweetheart03 said:


> Thank you for your words. I have tried discussing my feelings with him but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. There is no good communication between us.


I see not much indication of an affair. Just the usual process of two people holding each other hostage in a marriage the never was a real marriage....

Sorry but it looks not positive. Indeed your observation about communication is the key element. You state some terrible character traits about yourself, and he seems to be indifferent towards you.

The two of you need counselling and the motivation to work on your relation. That is anyway necessary, because possible other relations the two of you would have would go down the same path as this one if nothing changes in your thoughts and behavior relating to loved ones...or has there never been any real ove at all??


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

The core person that your husband is will not change. If he likes to look at other women and make lude comments, he will continue to do that. He obviously sees nothing wrong with this. You however, are offended and you owe it to you and your marriage to identify with this and express this to him. You can say, "I find it very hurtful and degrading towards women when you say______. Could you be of my feelings and not say these things in my presence?" that doesn't mean it will stop him completely, infact it probably will not but he might become aware of what he can and cannot say around you. My husband was the same way....it reminded me of a teenager who never learned how to understand the opposite sex.

Sounds to me that you have reason to be looking at history, sound like trust issues and you have not quite your husband red-handed yet. Men like this can be very sneaky....they know how to hide the history, they know to keep more than one window open on the computer to cover their actions quickly. You're seeing it, you're no fool. Have you ever asked? And when you do, what does he say? 

My husband was the same. Finally the KIDS caught him....don't know why I never could but they did. That hit me harder than if I would have found it. Husband was a porn addict and hid it and lied about it for many years. I hauled his rear to counseling after that. can't say I trust him even still.

One of the things my husband told the counselor is that he thought this was normal behavior for men. he knew very well how I felt about porn but that made no difference, he was going to get his fix anyway he could. 

If this is what you are dealing with, it could be a very long hard ride.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If you all take a look at her brief thread from 2010, linked on first page,there was some kind of mind/f**k going on between her husband and her cousin. Either he is a lech, hitting on his pregnant wife's cousin, or she is a liar and made up the whole situation.

Most logical answer is they were messing around and jealous cousin wanted him for herself.

sweetheart - Where is cousin today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

icemans.insights said:


> I think I can safely speak for all guys when I say making inappropriately candid sexual remarks to women is pretty much the same thing as advertising he's available and ready.


He didn't make that remark directly to a woman(that I know of). He sent a picture of a very sexy woman to his friend in a message and made the comment "She is delicious, I would eat her all day". Regardless, it made me feel horrible. I confronted him about that and he said it's just the way that us "men" talk and it didn't mean anything. He also stated that it was so meaningless that if he didn't want me to see it he would have erased it. Then of course he pulled the "he who seeks finds" bs. He told me he would stop doing it but of course I don't believe a thing he says anymore.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> sweetheart - Where is cousin today?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't heard from her in a couple of years. I am still wondering who was the liar but, one day everything will come to light.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

I see a couple of options for our marriage:
1. therapy- I love him and don't want to hurt our child
2. divorce- I don't see myself living in this type of marriage anymore
3. try and sit down with him and talk things out- this is the hardest of them all because he simply doesn't want to hear it. He backfires at me causing so much emotional confusion.

Anyone who has gone or is going through the same thing please give me advice.
I would hate to destroy my family but then again I think I am being destroyed internally.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

so you read when he wrote she looks delicious I would eat her all day.

This jives with the vernacular that he used with your cousin when he supposedly told her that he wanted to taste her back in 2010.

At a minimum your husband has low social and moral boundaries. At worst he's a downright cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sweetheart03 said:


> Where to start... I have been married for 6 years and have a 5 year old daughter with my spouse. To put it upfront I feel sad in my marriage 80% of the time. I am not the perfect wife, I know. Let me start by describing how I am before I start pointing fingers. I do not trust anyone, including my husband. I find myself questioning what he is doing all the time. Why I do I will say later. I consider myself just enough jealous and I am guilty of looking through his cellphone and nosing through his social media accounts. I am also too needy when it comes to attention. I like to spend time with my family and would get irritated, for example, if he goes to the gym because that takes time from our already hectic schedules.
> Now I will describe what has me questioning my marriage all of the time. My husband is hardworking and a great dad. However, I have found him erasing things (like his web history, chat history) from his cellphone so that I won't see and that for me is very suspicious. *Also, I have caught him sending short porn flicks and random sexy pictures of women to his friends and commenting things like "She is delicious. I would eat her all day". That made my heart sink especially since he hardly kisses me or even makes love to me. To add to this I caught him masturbating in the bathroom* while he thought I was in bed. I mean come on, I am in bed, so why doesn't he make love to me instead. I feel like he has lost all the spark he once had for me. He doesn't take any time to do anything special for me and most of the time he forgets anniversaries and special events. When he does remember he congratulates me and end of story, nothing else. Like I said before I question him all the time because I have caught him lying to me about where he has been. I want to add that I try communicating with him my thoughts, ideas, interests and feelings but he is uninterested. When we argue he always grabs his keys and tells me that he is leaving and I find myself stopping him all the time. Dragging myself down each time. All I think about is divorce although I love him so much and that would probably depress me as much as not feeling his love right now. *I also think about him grabbing his keys one more time and me letting him go so that this drama can end already. *Anyone please help


In bold, your H is self satisfying himself and probably more than you know. What has caused this other than access to porn 24/7 I cannot say.

Yes, next time your H pulls the "I'm leaving" act let him leave. He has little respect for you with watching porn and sending vids/pics to his buds.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sweetheart, i know emotionally this is really difficult for you but you have to put emotions aside and look at your situation objectively. Do you have any close friends who know you both, that you can talkk with? 
Your husband is emotionally abusing you and has no respect for you at all. He may or may not have had sexual encounters with other women but his use of porn and his behaviour is not that of a decent married man. You need to take action. It looks like you have been on this emotional roller coaster for years and he threatens to walk out etc. he is the one causing all the problems, then give him a problem to consider. You need to change the balance of power in your relationship.

Serve him with papers, that ought to wake him up! If he is not listening to you now it means he thinks he has the power in the relationship which he does. Men like him rarely change unless he is a very juvenile 30 year old who has more growing up to do. Some young men are downright selfish and stupid and put their wives through so much **** at this age! He may be one of them

You don't have to go through with the divorce if he is
a. willing to go to counselling with you
b. willing to stop all of his nonsense and act with respect towards you
c. stop accessing porn (imo it can destroy a marriage)
d. be involved in your lives as a dependable husband and father

The problem is you have let him cross boundaries for so long that he doesn't care what you think because you will fret and complain but nothing will change in his world, he still has his wife, child, home and his bad behaviour and treatment of you. You need to change that and shake things up and follow through. 

If he is a true cad and incapable of meeting you on those terms then go through with the divorce. You are young and can still meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and respected. You don't want to wake up at 50 and wish you had got out now. This kind of life can wear you down and destroy you as a person.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Sweetheart03 said:


> I see a couple of options for our marriage:
> 1. therapy- I love him and don't want to hurt our child
> 2. divorce- I don't see myself living in this type of marriage anymore
> 3. try and sit down with him and talk things out- this is the hardest of them all because he simply doesn't want to hear it. He backfires at me causing so much emotional confusion.
> ...


Write a letter. You cant be interrupted. Keep a copy in case he crumples it. You can refer to it later on as a reminder to how you were feeling at the time coupled with his reaction to it to get thru whatever is to come.

My spouse cant keep her mouth shut for me to complete a sentence so I have to write her mouthy azz to penetrate that crap. It works.


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## icemans.insights (May 5, 2015)

Sweetheart03 said:


> He didn't make that remark directly to a woman(that I know of). He sent a picture of a very sexy woman to his friend in a message and made the comment "She is delicious, I would eat her all day". Regardless, it made me feel horrible. I confronted him about that and he said it's just the way that us "men" talk and it didn't mean anything. He also stated that it was so meaningless that if he didn't want me to see it he would have erased it. Then of course he pulled the "he who seeks finds" bs. He told me he would stop doing it but of course I don't believe a thing he says anymore.


I may have misunderstood your original post Sweetheart. Sorry. I would agree that many men do talk to one another that way. I personally do not because I would never disrespect my wife by saying that to another individual. I've been around the "locker room talk" much of my life. I don't participate because it's just not who I am. 

But the broader point here is this I believe. If that comment by your husband hurts you because you're his wife, that's what matters and nothing else. 

And if my wife was talking to another women and making a comment about some guy along the lines of "I could have him do me all night long" I'd be hurt frankly. 

We all get it that we as human beings feel moments of attraction to the opposite sex. It's naive to think otherwise. But to verbalize it is crass and tacky and it's particularly disrespectful to your significant other (in this case you).


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## icemans.insights (May 5, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> so you read when he wrote she looks delicious I would eat her all day.
> 
> This jives with the vernacular that he used with your cousin when he supposedly told her that he wanted to taste her back in 2010.
> 
> ...


This then gets back to what I originally said Sweetheart. If a man is verbalizing and communicating this to another woman, you can assume he's making himself available. There's no other reason to really say it. That's the calling card he's using as tacky as it is. Perhaps he uses a more "high class" approach with women he sees as blowing him off for using such a low-brow type of approach, and if he believes a woman is sl**ty and willing, he uses gutter type of approach. The point is, he's putting his calling card out there.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

He grabs his keys because i believe hes hiding things, and he does not want confrontation. He also knows that he can do this time and time again and your going to beg him back.. This has got to stop. Do not call him back. Let him go tell him to take his coat and a bag and do not come back until he can answer your questions.

I have no problem with porn and masturbation as i believe its normal, but if i was in bed and willing and my hubby was in the bathroom satisfying himself while i wanted to have sex with him and he would rather be getting his Jolly off on his own.. Well pissed off would not be the word.

From what your saying i believe hes lying to you about things, deleting history... sending porn to his mates telling them what he wants to do to these women is bloody awful... Hes not giving you any reason to trust him.

Hes known for lying to you and this is why you cant trust him. I am not sure if hes having an affair, but i do believe he is hiding something definitely.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> In bold, your H is self satisfying himself and probably more than you know. What has caused this other than access to porn 24/7 I cannot say.
> 
> Yes, next time your H pulls the "I'm leaving" act let him leave. He has little respect for you with watching porn and sending vids/pics to his buds.


I truly believe that the next time he pulls that card out I will shuffle him out the door. I've had it.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

aine said:


> Sweetheart, i know emotionally this is really difficult for you but you have to put emotions aside and look at your situation objectively. Do you have any close friends who know you both, that you can talkk with?


I don't have anyone I can trust enough to talk with and that makes it even more difficult because I am keeping all this rage to myself. I feel like counseling should be our next step but I am sure he won't agree to it. He has too much pride.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

thread the needle said:


> Write a letter. You cant be interrupted. Keep a copy in case he crumples it. You can refer to it later on as a reminder to how you were feeling at the time coupled with his reaction to it to get thru whatever is to come.
> 
> My spouse cant keep her mouth shut for me to complete a sentence so I have to write her mouthy azz to penetrate that crap. It works.


I've tried writing letters explaining exactly what I like or dislike. Again, it's like it's written in invisible ink. I am glad it works for you. I really like the idea of writing because there is no interruption involved.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

icemans.insights said:


> I may have misunderstood your original post Sweetheart. Sorry. I would agree that many men do talk to one another that way. I personally do not because I would never disrespect my wife by saying that to another individual. I've been around the "locker room talk" much of my life. I don't participate because it's just not who I am.
> 
> But the broader point here is this I believe. If that comment by your husband hurts you because you're his wife, that's what matters and nothing else.
> 
> ...


Exactly my point. I would never say things like that because that will break anyone's heart and self esteem. I did tell him how it made me feel and asked him how would he feel if it was the other way around and I was saying things like that. He agreed that it will make him feel bad and then said I won't do again. He sure will do it again I believe... just this time he will leave no trace.


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## Sweetheart03 (May 15, 2010)

melw74 said:


> He grabs his keys because i believe hes hiding things, and he does not want confrontation. He also knows that he can do this time and time again and your going to beg him back.. This has got to stop. Do not call him back. Let him go tell him to take his coat and a bag and do not come back until he can answer your questions.
> 
> I have no problem with porn and masturbation as i believe its normal, but if i was in bed and willing and my hubby was in the bathroom satisfying himself while i wanted to have sex with him and he would rather be getting his Jolly off on his own.. Well pissed off would not be the word.
> 
> ...


If he grabs his keys again he will be gone for good. There is no way I will allow him to keep stepping on me even if he comes with the right answers. I am a very intelligent young woman who has worked hard for her education and has kept her home beautifully. Not to mention that I am a good mother and I love my daughter dearly. She is one of the reasons that I have let this happen for so long. I don't want her to be without her father. But living in such a sad marriage environment where there is tension between her parents can only cause her more harm. I have to be clear, my daughter has never and will never see her parents argue. For us, she comes first.


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## icemans.insights (May 5, 2015)

Sweetheart03 said:


> Exactly my point. I would never say things like that because that will break anyone's heart and self esteem. I did tell him how it made me feel and asked him how would he feel if it was the other way around and I was saying things like that. He agreed that it will make him feel bad and then said I won't do again. He sure will do it again I believe... just this time he will leave no trace.


At his core, he is who he is. His pride won't allow him to go to counseling, and he doesn't care if you write down your concerns because it's like "invisible ink" to him. 

My dear, you don't have much of a marriage going on here. It seems you're hooked into a very selfish and self-absorbed individual and they make lousy marriage partners.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

Maybe neither of you are speaking your respective love languages? The 5 love languages book has helped many a marriage.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Personally, hubby is a dog. Could be fifty love languages, that's not gonna help Sweetheart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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