# A false R but not the way you think



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Have any BS started an R knowing full well they were never going to stay in the marriage only staying until kids get older or money gets better?
I go through periods where I want to be here and I work hard at our relationship, but I have times that I can't even look at her without thinking of all she has done. Its at these times I think I am just here till the financials get better or the kids grow older, if those areas were different I just don't see me staying but I really don't know.
Maybe it is the time of year (1st anniversary her cheating, ddays) that are causing these doubts, I know I don't want to waste my life on something that will not get any better, but do I have a choice? I think I have stayed because I want to be here with her but the decision was made for me just how it feels sometimes.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Are the two of you addressing issues that caused the marriage to deteriorate in the first place? Is it better now than it was before (excepting the affair aftermath)? Is she remorseful?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

I am not sure if you are in MC, (you did not say) and if not, I strongly encourage you to find a person to help you and your wife. This is not something that magically heals on its own. Don't get me wrong, we are only 2 months out from DDay, but the aid of a professional and a lot of communicating on our parts has helped a lot. Also, did you read After the Affair together? The insight is helpful. Hoping time heals for you. Living like you are is not living well, and life is too short to be anything but happy. Find some peace.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I was there in the beginning. Fighting with myself over the idea of staying with someone that cast me aside so easily. I finally decided to take it a day at a time and just try to enjoy what time we had left. If she cheated again I'd be gone but at least I could say I made a go of it, and made the most of that time.


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## HampdenMom (Mar 24, 2013)

I've contemplated staying for those reasons. But, now that I've done a lot of soul-searching, and consulted an attorney, I now know that money is not a reason to stay (so that is coming off the table as a reason). When I confront WH, it will be with an ultimatum. Stay, get counseling, never see the OW again, stop seeking out old flames and act like a married adult, or get the hell out and enjoying paying me alimony for a long, long time. I thought I could spend the next few years living like this, but realized I don't want to waste any more time waiting for a cheating liar to grow up


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

She is very remorseful and does try very hard to repair her damage and we have addressed the issues that she gave for her infidelity or should I say we are working on those things. Although she does take full responsibility at times she still will fall back on I did this or that and that is why she cheated. No mc I finally start back to ic next week , I do feel better than I did but I do think if I had no outside influences (kids,money etc) my choice may have been different. I know of some who say infidelity is a deal breaker and while I am trying to work through it that thought is becoming more how I am feeling, however I don't want to tell her. One it may drive her away completely and two I am not sure that is how I truly feel or just a phase.
I do try to just live for now but the past is a weight tied to my waist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

1 year after DDay I was exactly at this same place, flip floping even when I already was commited to rebuild the marriage (not just for the kids). Perfectly natural.
I think just having the door open to "real" R is perfectly fine. Maybe the opposite would be the weird thing.
Even without infidelity in the mix it's something natural sometimes.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

love=pain said:


> She is very remorseful and does try very hard to repair her damage and we have addressed the issues that she gave for her infidelity or should I say we are working on those things. Although she does take full responsibility at times she still will fall back on I did this or that and that is why she cheated. No mc I finally start back to ic next week , I do feel better than I did but I do think if I had no outside influences (kids,money etc) my choice may have been different. I know of some who say infidelity is a deal breaker and while I am trying to work through it that thought is becoming more how I am feeling, however I don't want to tell her. One it may drive her away completely and two I am not sure that is how I truly feel or just a phase.
> I do try to just live for now but the past is a weight tied to my waist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't call it a phase. More like an understandable reaction to deep betrayal. Emotional protection from the unthinkable. Working on R with one foot out the door. 

I got through it by setting realistic boudaries. If one of the lines is crossed then I'm gone. If not I'll stay and try for a better tomorrow. What she does isn't under my control, but what I will tolerate is.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

I've been there at times, but it can be pretty exhausting.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

love=pain said:


> She is very remorseful and does try very hard to repair her damage and we have addressed the issues that she gave for her infidelity or should I say we are working on those things. Although she does take full responsibility at times she still will fall back on I did this or that and that is why she cheated. No mc I finally start back to ic next week , I do feel better than I did but I do think if I had no outside influences (kids,money etc) my choice may have been different. I know of some who say infidelity is a deal breaker and while I am trying to work through it that thought is becoming more how I am feeling, however I don't want to tell her. One it may drive her away completely and two I am not sure that is how I truly feel or just a phase.
> I do try to just live for now but the past is a weight tied to my waist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she is 'falling back' then she doesn't really accept blame. I would worry that it isn't genuine r.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

This sucks love=pain, because I think I am starting to feel the way you do. It is almost a futile feeling of "oh well". I have kids, and wouldn't want to jeopardize that for anything.

It has been a year here also, well, the beginning of this month was the end of me getting the whole picture of what happened. 

I don't really know if it gets better, as at first, after I was tired of my rage, I just kinda fell into this robot like state, and I am pretty much there now.

I think you will find that it will continue on like this, up and down. I wish I had some great words, or advice to give you, but even through searching these threads for days on end, at home and work, I think you will find it is pretty much give and take on what the course of action should be.

Do you guys still talk about it? Are you still allowed to ask questions? When you start to get blamed, I know, it is hard to even want to understand or question anymore, it sure doesn't help.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I spend a year waiting for my son to get out of high school and then bail. I figured it was just a matter of time , and it was not so much about working on the marriage as much as it was about waiting for her screw up and throwing her out ( if you know my story, I'm talking literally not figuratively) and all her dresses, shoes, and all the other crap she came with.

This was an agreement me and my adult daughter agreed on, and as I continued to work on my self and prepare my self for a single life, I found my FWW owning her unhealthy behavior and taking the steps to fix her self.

So her we are both focus on being emotionally healthier individuals for our next stage in out mid life we found the reason we married each other in the 1st place.

It used to be day by day, then it was week by week, and then month by month.....these days there is no time limit, its just a matter a respect for each other.

Granted boundaries were made and on both side in the attempt to prevent any additional pain and as we cohabited there was a must for mutual respect until graduation.

Well its been 3 years now and we both know each other capacities and as I continue to work on my self, my FWW continues to work on herself...ridding our selves of some very unhealthy behaviors, not for each other but for our selves.

Weird thing is as individuals we look very attractive to each other. When I'm not throwing her on the ground and she isn;t running off in the middle of the night we make a for a pretty healthy couple.

So here we are after tons of IC and very little MC we both find each other hanging out and meeting each others needs ( be careful for what you wish for) and more importantly know each others capacities and understanding that we both need the tools as individuals to be emotionally healthier individuals with or with out each other.


At the end of the day we both will not take any sh1t from each other and let that resentment build up. At the end of the day we both have new boundaries and those boundaries have consequences when they are crossed.

You know these days, her old life syle is just a matter of converastion, just like paying bills, who picks up the dry cleaning , and were the next vacation will be.

She owns her past and faces it and talking about it as just part of her new reality. They way we see it, if she wants that part of her life to get forgotten then she will need another guy to help her forget it, and that kind of thinking does no body any good, especially her.

One would have to be a fool to think it was healthy, one would have to be insane to keep doing it over and over again thinking things will change.

Lying and decieving is unhealthy, looking for happiness by getting some strange time and again won't work....there is a better way, to bad many don't find this out until its to late!


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