# Sex life dried up is she over me that way



## Ihearyah (Nov 1, 2012)

I know we’ve all seen the post about the guy that use to check the dresser drawer to see if his wife’s vibrator has changed positions to know she has used it. So mine is a little bit different here. My partner and I had the best sex life ever then just stop she blames weight gain and anxiety says she is not in mood. To add some color to this she would regularly just plain tell me in the past that she used her toys and I bought them for her and it always got me off to think about her using her toys when i wasn’t around or heck she would use them right in front of me. Not anymore nothing from her in any area.

In the last year I have caught her watching porn right in front of me when she thought I was asleep or seen it on her phone when she opened her phone when I was sitting by her etc etc. Lately, anytime I run an errand and come back it’s obvious she has used her toys I mean she just plain doesn’t put them away but doesn’t give me highlights anymore. And I’m talking she uses them multiple times a day sometimes. Even if I step out for a second. Still shows no interest in sex says she has too much anxiety and feels lazy and fat. I get the need to get off anyway and might not have anything to do with me but what do I make of this. I feel like she is just not into me that way anymore. I originally found the porn and any aspect of the toys hot now it’s slowing grinding on me. I would still love all of it if we were having sex but since we are not anytime I see that vibrator just sitting there it now just makes me feel completely useless. Thoughts? Oh and talking to her about it hasn’t been effective she shuts completely down for a week. So the usual advice of did you try talking... yes multiple times.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Time for a trade-in?


----------



## Ihearyah (Nov 1, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Time for a trade-in?


I don’t know I promised myself after the divorce I wouldnt get myself into another sexless relationship. at the same time I do love her and created a whole new family here. It’s not like I wasn’t in a sexless relationship forever before. I could just deal with it I guess. I always ask myself if the situation was reversed would she be cool with me rejecting sex but viewing porn right in front of her? And yes if she leaves the house I get myself off as well but the difference is I’ve never rejected sex with her once. It’s not the toys I have a problem with.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It’s not common for women to become so into porn that they completely stiff-arm their partner, but I suppose it could happen. ......but I doubt it. 

If I had to lay odds, I’d say some other dude has her attention. 

But whether it’s another dude or being hung up in porn and vibrator, the end result is the same - she has shifted her desire to someone/something else. 

That being said, I think if you even want to remain in this relationship, you need to address it as if she were having an affair. 

Draw a line in the sand and either cut off contact with other man/porn/vibe and commit to counseling and reestablishing trust and rapport or end the relationship. 

In my opinion if someone is rebuffing their partner due to porn/vibe, then I see no real differentiation to another person because the end result is the same.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you were single, would you continue to date someone that didn’t want to be be sexual with you due to weight gain and anxiety and would you put up with someone that would give you the silent treatment for a week if you tried to communicate with them about something that was important to you?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There’s been numerous threads on tam about men who prefer to masturbate rather than have sex with a willing partner. It’s exactly the same thing that your girlfriend is doing except the sexes are reversed. 
I agree with the oldshirt, she’s got some dude in mind when she’s playing with herself. 
I don’t know your story but you seem to have been in a sexless relationship before so why on earth would you be willing to do it again.


----------



## Ihearyah (Nov 1, 2012)

I definitely know there is no other man on her mind as with covid and her being unemployed no way to pull that off. I mean could it be she just has to work through this anxiety and those things and everything will go back to normal or is that wishful thinking. I mean there are some medications and other mental things at play here but also it’s been almost two years since she initiated sex.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She resents you for some slight. A big one.

That slight extends down her arm to her wrist.

It ends in her hand.

She has replaced you with a sleight-of-hand. A hand with a sex toy in it.

What have you done to disappoint her, to the point of pissing her off?

Yes, with this Wuhan Virus being in our face, we are locked down together.

Familiarity is said to bring contempt.

Your marital courting with her has brought on this contempt of court.

It seems, this. 
Umm.


Gwendolyn-


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

We've seen over and over hiw men watching porn can erode real sex for them, but it's less usual for that to be the case with women but certainly not out of the question. It is easy and conflict free and you can watch it however you like to watch it and get into a routine that may be hard to break. I don't think this is just about the sex toys. If anything I think it's about the porn. 

Lots of women don't feel like having sex if they've gained weight and feel unattractive or don't want you to see them with their clothes off. And of course a lot of men don't want to see that either. 

And of course it's a possibility that she has lost that feeling for you. She might love you to death but if she's lost the sexual feelings for you, she certainly wouldn't be the first woman to lose them. 

Sometimes living with someone you can take on rolls that become too familiar or familial. If a man starts to seem more like your father or your kid or your brother to you, which can certainly happen over time, that is nearly always a sex killer. 

I'm just throwing that out there because I have no idea what roles you play in each other's lives. I don't know if she has to pick up after you like a kid or if you boss her around like you're her father or if you've just become such buddies that she just thinks of you as a buddy, but it's something to consider because it's not working right now so it's at least something you could look at and go maybe I should at least change up how I act or my approach to her and try to change how she perceives me. 

it's bad that she's not communicating with you about this other than to say she feels fat and lazy but as someone who feels fat and lazy herself, that may be the absolute truth . But she still owes you a conversation where she hears you out on it and talks about where does this leave you and your relationship. 

Probably for now you should both agree to not use porn. 
So you might have to get into counseling. Good luck.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ihearyah said:


> I don’t know I promised myself after the divorce I wouldnt get myself into another sexless relationship. at the same time I do love her and created a whole new family here. It’s not like I wasn’t in a sexless relationship forever before. I could just deal with it I guess. I always ask myself if the situation was reversed would she be cool with me rejecting sex but viewing porn right in front of her? And yes if she leaves the house I get myself off as well but the difference is I’ve never rejected sex with her once. It’s not the toys I have a problem with.


My first marriage was sexless, so I divorced and _promised_ myself I'd never accept another sexless relationship unless I was beyond the point of caring about having a sex life. I got lucky in my choice of another relationship, so I think this marriage will stand the test of time and sex.

If your wife is still using her toys but avoiding you, then there is a lot more wrong here. Either get to the bottom of it and fix it, live with it (if you can and think it's worth it), ... or leave. Part of your decision may be influenced by your age and health, how important sex is to you, and how many sexually active years you think you may have left.


----------



## Ihearyah (Nov 1, 2012)

I don’t know if it makes sense but in my first marriage the sex was always lame so it was easy to put up for 10 years but in this relationship the sex was over the top awesome.... maybe my expectation was unrealistic that this would keep up?


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I don't mean harm but brace yourself because this might sting a little bit.

I think it's time you look into yourself to find the answers. Two women now have abandoned you sexually. That makes you the common denominator. 

Obviously, I can't know if the problem is in or out of the bedroom. The few things I do know are that I guy never really knows how a woman feels about sex. You can only go by her cues or maybe what she says, which is something she might not be completely honest about so as not to hurt your feelings. But if it's not as satisfying for her as you think it is, she may never open up about it. A woman may love a man and want to be with him, but that doesn't automatically mean she sexually satisfied.

The other thing is resentment can cause people to be vengeful, and that includes loving relationships because people are people. Those types of primal inclinations don't necessarily change just because we love someone, particularly if the offenses are multiple. That she gives you excuses (which could be entirely true) but also doesn't hide the fact that she uses her toys, it could be that she's paying you back for something or some things that you've done/said to her. Even if not getting back at you but maybe giving you the same type of treatment you give/gave to her. If you're inconsiderate, dismissive, neglectful, minimize her feelings and concerns, shut her down, ridiculously forgetful regarding her requests, downright abusive, or such as any of that, she might feel you deserve the same treatment so you know how it feels. She turned against what is important to you because you did that to her, or you frequently did that to her. 

In the very least, if not intending to pay you back, it could just be that she just doesn't want to engage because of these types of things that you do to her. A woman can begin to feel like he doesn't deserve her because of the way he treats her. Ill treatment is a soul killer. A woman doesn't want to give herself to a man who treats her poorly.

So people post here about their situations, but there's little likelihood that they tell all of the story. Few people admit to doing the types of things I mentioned above. They just tell the parts about their SO/spouse. So, I'm not asking you to confirm or deny anything. I'm not trying to put you on the spot or make you defensive. I'm not that deeply invested, and I don't ask people to lie to me. There could even be some things that you're not aware of doing, so please don't respond to extol your wonderfulness or how good you are in bed or how hard you try. Those are for your girl, not us here. There is something going on, and the same thing with two women no less, so you don't have to feel it necessary to redeem yourself. I'm only suggesting things, not accusing.

What I think you should do is talk with a marriage counselor by yourself. Ask him/her to quiz you on the types of reasons they are accustomed to women giving for refusing sex. Some of your answers just might match their reasons. Again, I don't really think you are aware of all of your girl's reasons, but you should be able to answer some if you are completely honest with yourself. Then ask the therapist what you should do about it. If none of your answers match, then it's time to get your girl in with the counselor too.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ihearyah said:


> I don’t know if it makes sense but in my first marriage the sex was always lame so it was easy to put up for 10 years but in this relationship the sex was over the top awesome.... maybe my expectation was unrealistic that this would keep up?


Think back to the transition period between over the top sex to her her no longer having any interest in you.

What changed in your life/lives at that time? 

Did she get a big promotion at work? Did you lose/quit or get demoted in your job? Did you or she start a different shift? Was there a loss of a family member or close friend? Did you have any fights or disagree on something that was important to her? Have you gained a lot of weight or changed anything in your life? Did she start talking about some new guy at work or the gym or some activity she is involved in? Does she have a close friend that got divorced or single that she is hanging out with a lot? 

Other than the sex, what is different in your world today than back when you were having over the top sex?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ihearyah said:


> I definitely know there is no other man on her mind as with covid and her being unemployed no way to pull that off.


Spend some time reading through the infidelity forum and you will quickly learn that people have time for affairs and that people have been screwing around for millennia long before covid ever came on to the scene. 

The one thing that every guy that has been cheated on have in common is they all said their partner wasn’t the type and wouldn’t have time. 

She has the same 24!hours in day and the same 7 days in a week that we’ll all do so she has time.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Ihearyah said:


> I don’t know if it makes sense but in my first marriage the sex was always lame so it was easy to put up for 10 years


I don't have any idea what you mean by this. But I can tell you there is a clue in there somewhere.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ihearyah said:


> I mean could it be she just has to work through this anxiety and those things and everything will go back to normal or is that wishful thinking. I mean there are some medications and other mental things at play here but also it’s been almost two years since she initiated sex.


I don’t believe in anxiety being a reason women reject their partners. Every woman on the planet knows that men value sexuality and that if they are denied long enough that they will either seek it elsewhere or they will just pack their bags and leave.

To me it stands to reason that the possibility of getting cheated on or outright dumped would probably be more anxiety generating than sex, so I don’t buy it. I think it is just an excuse she pulled out of her butt to get you to drop it.

Now mental issues and medications etc can have significant impact on libido and sex drive etc etc. 

But those people are probably not spanking to porn and wearing out their vibrator every day.

Most women I know would rather stick sharp objects in their eyes than let anyone know they have ever seen a porn and many would rather be tortured to death than admit to using a vibrator all the time. 

She seems pretty unabashed that you know she’s watching porn and using a vibe - that tells me she simply doesn’t care what you think. 

This is either a relationship issue (resentment, anger, disconnected) An attraction issue ( ie you’ve gained weight, gotten slovenly, lazy or whiney) Or there is another person that she is attracted to.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ihearyah said:


> I don’t know if it makes sense but in my first marriage the sex was always lame so it was easy to put up for 10 years but in this relationship the sex was over the top awesome.... maybe my expectation was unrealistic that this would keep up?


Most relationships see a reduction in the frequency and/or quality of sex over time, but still manage to maintain a decent sex life of 2 or 3x a week at least. I'm at 20 years with my current partner, and the quality and quantity is still better than most newlyweds - obviously, this varies tremendously for each couple, but a statistically average sex life shouldn't be difficult to maintain for most unless there are some serious undisclosed or unresolved issues.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ihearyah said:


> My partner and I had the best sex life ever then just stop she blames weight gain and anxiety says she is not in mood.


This makes NO sense to me...I cannot understand not wanting ANY sex with a partner who wants me, just because of my own body issues or anxiety - your desire should be able to break through those feelings at least some of the time! If my husband wanted my body, even if I thought it didn't look good, I would want to give it to him! Especially if sex was fun and exciting for us!!

And if "anxiety" is the issue, then why does she enjoy using toys...?? Her physical feelings of desire and her "mood" are obviously NOT being affected by the anxiety, so then why wouldn't she want to be sexual WITH YOU...?

You need to make sure she understands that you KNOW something has changed and you are unsatisfied with the lack of sex, and that it's not sustainable for you and your relationship. I believe that people who expect monogamy and "fidelity" from their partners have an obligation to make sure the sexual needs of those partners are being met, out of LOVE and CARE. 
You have EVERY RIGHT to expect her to work to get to the root of any issues that are keeping her from wanting to have sex with you, with your love and support if she wants it.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Suddenly stopped. You haven’t had sex in two years with your wife. Ten years with previous? 
clearoy she still has a sex drive, just not for you. You tolerate that? Who cares why? Get the heck out of there.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Most women I know would rather stick sharp objects in their eyes than let anyone know they have ever seen a porn and many would rather be tortured to death than admit to using a vibrator all the time.


THIS is hysterically funny to me...!!!! Lolol!


----------



## Ihearyah (Nov 1, 2012)

She has no job I work from home another partner is impossible and this goes back to before covid. To the person that says something doesn’t make sense imagine us staying up every morning till 5am having sex 3-4 times a week to then nothing.
It’s not that we haven’t had sex in two years
It’s that she hasn’t initiated in two years and I’m to the point where imitating seems pointless.
It’s not the type of sex I want. I mean even if I don’t get rejected she is not into it.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

First.....


Ihearyah said:


> My partner and I had the best sex life ever then just stop she blames weight gain and anxiety says she is not in mood.....Not anymore nothing from her in any area.....Still shows no interest in sex says she has too much anxiety and feels lazy and fat.....I would still love all of it if we were having sex but since we are not.....


And now.....


Ihearyah said:


> It’s not that we haven’t had sex in two years .It’s that she hasn’t initiated in two years and I’m to the point where imitating seems pointless. It’s not the type of sex I want. I mean even if I don’t get rejected she is not into it.


You're kidding, aren't you???


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ihearyah said:


> ..... My partner and I had the best sex life ever then just stop she blames weight gain and anxiety says she is not in mood.
> 
> ...In the last year I have caught her watching porn right in front of me when she thought I was asleep or seen it on her phone when she opened her phone when I was sitting by her etc etc.
> 
> ...


Look, this is a serious problem. Your marriage has a serious problem and you need to make your wife understand that.

I am sure you have "talked to her," but have you had a real conversation with her and "listened to her?" Often the hardest part in having a real conversation is keeping quite and establishing a feeling of safety where your partner can talk so you can listen.

It is time to sit her down, tell her that there is a very serious problem with your marriage that if not fixed could destroy the marriage over time. Then suggest that since you have tried to talk with her about the problem and you may not have had the skills to discuss the issues with her, that you would like the two of you to see a marriage counselor as you want the marriage to work.

On the positive side, I would say lots of people during Covid-19 are having anxiety problems and depression. People who have lost jobs or seen their companies financially destroyed, question their worth and their ability to regain a meaningful career. That can put a buz-kill on most people's libido. Her reasons may have nothing to do with you. However, her actions have everything to do with both you and your marriage.

Good Luck.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You really need to figure out what had happened that sex went from 100 to 0 overnight. Anxiety won't explain it. like oldshirt said above - try to focus what was different in your lives when that happened? and then talk to her, really talk to her , not letting her use anxiety as an excuse. And let her know that this can not continue as it - her reaction to this will tell you everything you need to know.


----------



## Ihearyah (Nov 1, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> You really need to figure out what had happened that sex went from 100 to 0 overnight. Anxiety won't explain it. like oldshirt said above - try to focus what was different in your lives when that happened? and then talk to her, really talk to her , not letting her use anxiety as an excuse. And let her know that this can not continue as it - her reaction to this will tell you everything you need to know.


Well I did talk to her last night. Got the it isnt you it’s me. She says she hasn’t just isolated herself from me but from all family and friends which is probably true. I just can’t get past the porn contradicting some of her other statements though. Says she is also depressed. I don’t know I should probably remain supportive through all of this but at the same time I think the possible porn addiction or whatever we call it was going on before this latest isolation/depression. I don’t know.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Have you tried sabotaging her vibrator and setting up parental controls on her digital devices to block adult content? 

Better yet, lock up her vibrator along with any other novelties and wear the key around your neck. Buy her a new toy and lock it away as well after showing her the packaging. 

Sexuality tends to thrive as long as you are doing something very counterintuitive, passive aggressive, and somehow ironically playful.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

What kind of porn is she watching BSDM, gang bang, girl on girl.?

That might provide part of your answer.

Are there past lovers or ex'es she pines away for, this is more common than you think.

Yea the lifeless sex while she watches porn and masturbates just dosen't add up.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sounds as if she is addicted to porn, and until she stops nothing will change.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well it's a addiction like any other, either she deals with it or it will escalate. I would keep an eye on her presence on the internet, particularly chat apps and things like that.

I have this theory that a lot of women's affairs also begin with porn and escalate to the real thing.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe you should have second guessed buying her the XXL model. (Joking)


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Maybe you should have second guessed buying her the XXL model. (Joking)


Your posts are always SO helpful...Lolol!!!!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Well it's a addiction like any other, either she deals with it or it will escalate. I would keep an eye on her presence on the internet, particularly chat apps and things like that.
> 
> I have this theory that a lot of women's affairs also begin with porn and escalate to the real thing.


Same with some men. I know a lady whose husband did just that.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Well it's a addiction like any other, either she deals with it or it will escalate. I would keep an eye on her presence on the internet, particularly chat apps and things like that.
> 
> I have this theory that a lot of women's affairs also begin with porn and escalate to the real thing.


I think anything that takes sexual attention away from our partners is dangerous to the future of the sexual relationship, with numerous outcomes...almost all negative.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Same with some men. I know a lady whose husband did just that.


Which is why there is an "also" in my statement. The also meaning it's implied for men.


----------

