# The "Normal" Amount of Sex



## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

I've long thought that it is odd when people judge the health of a relationship by the amount of sex a couple has. I think a lot of the time, it sounds like 2-3 times per week is the norm for all married couples, and some marriage counselors and psychologists may even perpetuate the notion (I haven't met any myself who have done so, but judging from some other postings around here, this seems to be the case). 

Often on these forums, people will ask how much sex a couple is having, in an attempt to gauge the health of a relationship. And while it certainly sounds like a plausible concern, there are a few problems. First, there is no baseline to compare to (how much sex the couple would be having under "normal" conditions, whatever those are), and second, we can't really tell how strong the sex drive is for each spouse at any given time. 

In my own relationship, sex is an ever shifting quantity—sometimes my SO and I go at it like rabbits, and sometimes we go a month or so without any sex at all. We've been together some 13-odd years now, and we don't have much tension about our sex life. Lucky? Maybe. Or maybe we just don't stress about it much. 

It hasn't always been the case—I would say I have a higher sex drive than my SO, and there have been tense moments in the past where I felt like I wasn't getting what I need. I think that's a discussion for another thread (if there's enough interest and I feel up to typing another manuscript on here). But I think the point is, it's not about the number of times per week or month or day. It's about whether you're feeling physically connected enough to your spouse, and whether your body's needs are being met. 

Anyway, to finally get to the point:

I came across this data and thought it might be helpful to some couples who think their relationship is somehow lacking because they aren't having as much sex as their neighbours, or that other guy on the forum. 

Kinsey Institute - Frequency of Sex

Basically, the data indicates that *nearly half of married men and women indicate they have sex a few times a month*. About a third indicated they have sex 2-3 times per week. But there are a significant number of outliers to these numbers—couples that have sex more or less frequently. "Normal" isn't as easy to define as we like to think.

The site references studies performed in 1994—20 years ago now—but while I am sure relationships have changed slightly in 20 years due to societal changes, I doubt the gap is significant enough that the data no longer applies. The study followed sound scientific research practices, and had a sample group of 3400. 

*The thing to keep in mind, in my opinion:* It's not about how much sex you have—not even a little bit. It's about how satisfied your sex drive is; in other words, whether you feel like you're getting what you need. 

Perhaps more importantly: Don't assume your relationship should look (or sound through the walls) like your neighbours' relationship.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is no "normal." Some couples may be entirely content together with 3x a week, and some might find that far too much - or far too little.

What does matter is what you each want, and how well you match in this regard. If you are happy with once every two weeks, and he wants sex daily, then you'll likely have problems!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

People get in trouble when they fall into the whole "Keeping up with the Jones' " mentality, and sex is no different. You need to find what works in your relationship because no one else's has any bearing.

My wife and I have sex 10-15 times a week, and are both very happy, satisfied, and comfortable with that number.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> People get in trouble when they fall into the whole "Keeping up with the Jones' " mentality, and sex is no different. You need to find what works in your relationship because no one else's has any bearing.
> 
> My wife and I have sex 10-15 times a week, and are both very happy, satisfied, and comfortable with that number.


Ya'll are both happy and extremely pleased with life.


----------



## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> My wife and I have sex 10-15 times a week, and are both very happy, satisfied, and comfortable with that number.


Whew! That sounds like lots of calories burned...


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

While you're premise is correct, you cannot discount tools in evaluating the health of a marriage. 

The frequency of sex is only one tool used by therapists to gauge a couples connection. For example, lets say you go to the doctor and he finds a rough odd shaped patch on your skin. Not 'normal'. Time to freak out? No, time to look closer that's all. Send you to a dermatologist, take a biopsy, et. Turns out everything is fine and go on with life.

Same with these 'normal' issues of sex frequency. Of course every couple is different and as several posters have already pointed out, it's whatever floats both of your boats. 

BUT

sex frequency is just another of any number of tools the therapist will go through to evaluate; "sex only twice in last year? Hmmmm, why is that?" Lets look closer, ask some more questions, et.
Maybe everything's fine, maybe not. But it's an initial trigger (or one of many) that prompts more questions. Then on to the next one...........


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If the amount of sex causes no tension in the relationship, then that's good.

I think people assume that those couples who go at it like Sam and his wife have such a great relationship because it takes a lot of passion and zest to keep that up. People with a lot of passion and zest for life seem to enjoy life more, deeper, better than the rest of us mortals.

If you tell a joke and no one laughs was the joke funny?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faiora said:


> Whew! That sounds like lots of calories burned...


Yes it does and the most fulfilling workout regiment you can have.

I would be practicing all kind of core and stabilization movements if I had that access available to me today.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I think sex is an overall indication of the state of the marriage. For those couples who are happy with sex once a week or once every two weeks, I wonder did they both get to the point of resignation? What happened? So yes, while they might say it works for them, I am curious why so many would forgo further frequency.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It depends on age to a degree.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I think sex is an overall indication of the state of the marriage. For those couples who are happy with sex once a week or once every two weeks, I wonder why. Did they both get to the point of resignation, or to fulfill some sort of duty. What happened? So yes, while they might say it works for them, I am curious why so many would forgo further frequency.


Maybe they don't have any desire for more sex than that and never did. Not everyone wants to have it 3x a day or anywhere close. I'm not sure why that is suspect if they themselves don't think it's a defect of some sort?

Some people sleep 5 or 6 hours a night; others need 8 or 9. Some are morning people, some are night owls. Some need to eat small meals all day long, some are satisfied with 3 larger meals a day. Some are adrenaline junkies and do extreme sports, others are content with yoga and pilates. It's not a defect in either type of person, is it?

I say if the couple is content with their frequency and satisfaction, no one outside their relationship ought to be questioning it because it isn't broken.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I seem to recall seeing that the average married couple of any age has sex 67 times a year.

It's possible that some spouses read that to say 6 to 7 times a year.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

norajane said:


> Maybe they don't have any desire for more sex than that and never did. Not everyone wants to have it 3x a day or anywhere close. I'm not sure why that is suspect if they themselves don't think it's a defect of some sort?
> 
> Some people sleep 5 or 6 hours a night; others need 8 or 9. Some are morning people, some are night owls. Some need to eat small meals all day long, some are satisfied with 3 larger meals a day. Some are adrenaline junkies and do extreme sports, others are content with yoga and pilates. It's not a defect in either type of person, is it?
> 
> I say if the couple is content with their frequency and satisfaction, no one outside their relationship ought to be questioning it because it isn't broken.


If sex once a week was a compromise both made, then one or the other wanted more or less. That is an indication of the marriage, baring health issues. I really don't care how often somebody else has sex, it was just interesting to me to see the frequency reported and wondered if that meant everybody was truly happy with the arrangement.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

when someone comes here and asks whats normal they are unsatisfied and are trying to gather ammo to shoot their partner with. Or evaluate if their expectations of wanting more or less sax is reasonable.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'm not sure if any of the Kinsey material is respected. wasn't there some sort of scandal about falsifying data?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Most of Kinsey is respected, though there were some methodological problems and population bias that apparently did not greatly affect the results. Even with the modest errors, the publications started an open dialog about sex that had been sorely lacking previously, where there had previously been some gross misconceptions and assumptions about human sexuality.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> If the amount of sex causes no tension in the relationship, then that's good.
> 
> I think people assume that those couples who go at it like Sam and his wife have such a great relationship because it takes a lot of passion and zest to keep that up. *People with a lot of passion and zest for life seem to enjoy life more, deeper, better than the rest of us mortals.*
> 
> If you tell a joke and no one laughs was the joke funny?


You're onto something here AP. Yes, we have lots of sex because we enjoy it with each other..a lot. Neither of us had nearly as much sex in our past relationships, not even close, even when we were much younger...but...

If you look at the bigger picture, what my wife and I share is not unlike couples who love to go biking or hiking together. It is an activity we both enjoy doing with each other, and I think the real indicator, the real meaning is not so much the sex in and of itself, but rather we enjoy spending time together engaged in an activity our partner also enjoys with us.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I suppose it's been established in our society that there is no normal, and I suppose that is true. If a couple wants sex once a year and it works for them, I suppose that is great. So, I always look at it like this, there may be no normal, but what is a reasonable request. 

For example, if a person expected sex on their wedding night as long as there were no extenuating circumstances(nobody fell and broke a leg or anything), would that be reasonable or unreasonable? I think I can assume how most would answer. Can't that idea be applied to more than just the wedding night?

If a person wants sex 5 times a day or once every six months, that may be what they want, but is it reasonable? It seems that the LD person often wants to make the HD person out to be a sex maniac, but they are often just making a reasonable request.

I realize there are all kinds of personal situations, but I've often wondered why a young, healthy person in love with their spouse wouldn't want sex on a regular basis. What could be the reason? 

That doesn't solve anything or make the LD person want it more, but I feel that's the way it is.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Our normal is 10 plus times per week, me 48, him 54, 5 kids between us but not all at home at the same time. We are busy, happy people that do have a great zest for life. Our normal is very important to me, it represents a great passion and desire for each other. I did not have that in my past marriage, the difference between the two relationships is massive. Having sex a few times a year in my past marriage never felt normal. Each person/couple decides what their normal is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Both 42, together 20+ years.

We have sex usually 4-5 times a week, unless someone is sick or we are fighting, which is rare. If we drop below twice a week for more than a couple of weeks we start detaching emotionally. 

I wouldn't want to have sex every day or twice a day. I'd get bored. I need a bit of time to build tension.

Before kids we sometimes had sex 2/3 times a day especially on holidays. Maybe those times will come again.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I think there are a heck of a lot of divorced wives out there that found out 2 times a month is NOT normal or sufficient. :rofl:


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

If you are both happy, that's your normal.

I am intimate with my spouse each day. It keeps us connected, happy, and totally into each other. We find time for each other no matter how busy our day is, to make sure we let each other know, what's the point of working so hard in our life, for each other, but never actually being together. For us, this makes us happy. Not to mention all the positives that come along with intimacy. 

It's easy to forget the big picture when you ignore the canvas.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Lyris said:


> Both 42, together 20+ years.
> 
> We have sex usually 4-5 times a week, unless someone is sick or we are fighting, which is rare. If we drop below twice a week for more than a couple of weeks we start detaching emotionally.
> 
> ...


Even with me being intimate daily after 16 years, I find this reply inspirational. I can only hope that in 20+ years it would still be around 4-5 times a week, and we both notice the "detach" when it slips under that number. The key for me would be, noticing the detach. 

The detach is extremely real. I think some couples just think the "attached" feeling is the first year of marriage. The rest is detached and what they call, "normal." Every year should be like your first, and it can be, if you focus on remaining intimate with each other. It's hard to really get upset, stay mad, fight, or cheat, when you are totally attached to your spouse.

Good reply Lyris.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Everyone has their own "normal"

To me, every day is normal (unless period). Sometime few times a day.

But wife and I both have a high sex drive/expectations.....what can I say. We are ****ing nymphos.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

murphy5 said:


> I think there are a heck of a lot of divorced wives out there that found out 2 times a month is NOT normal or sufficient. :rofl:



Exactly! Every woman should ditch their useless flotsam and find a guy that puts out WAY more than that! Life is SO much better that way!


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Personal said:


> We both find it's a more intense experience when there's been a gap of 2 or even 3 days and then we'll easily go at least once in an evening and again during the following morning.


That's definitely how I prefer it. Physically I could have sex several times a day, every day. I'm always "up" for it. Actually we both are.

But I much prefer really satisfying sessions and some build time. I was reading in another thread about sex every day and mentioned that my wife and I have talked about doing that. Still I could see us eventually going back to a level 2-4 times a week. My issue with significantly upping the frequency is that I'd miss the build and am afraid I'd tempt sex becoming a bit too routine for our needs.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

michzz said:


> It depends on age to a degree.


Yes.

As an older guy I could go once a day, however I prefer every two days. Up to three days is ok but longer than I'd like, any longer than that and I get really grumpy and edgy.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Faiora said:


> I've long thought that it is odd when people judge the health of a relationship by the amount of sex a couple has. I think a lot of the time, it sounds like 2-3 times per week is the norm for all married couples, and some marriage counselors and psychologists may even perpetuate the notion (I haven't met any myself who have done so, but judging from some other postings around here, this seems to be the case).
> 
> Often on these forums, people will ask how much sex a couple is having, in an attempt to gauge the health of a relationship. And while it certainly sounds like a plausible concern, there are a few problems. First, there is no baseline to compare to (how much sex the couple would be having under "normal" conditions, whatever those are), and second, we can't really tell how strong the sex drive is for each spouse at any given time.
> 
> ...


I have never counted sexual frequency as the complete measuring stick to the health of a marriage, yeah people who are getting along usually will have more sex but not always. Some women(IMO) will have sex with their husband because they are scared he will leave even if he is not a very good husband or their marriage struggles in other areas.
On the men's side well most of the time(99%) if she is willing or naked then I am good to go, tired, sick or angry usually doesn't get in my way of getting some.

Like some here we go in spurts (haha pun intended) every day multiple times especially weekends, any more than 2 or 3 days and the dog runs and hides. Don't know if I could go a month, I remember those long weeks right after the children were born but you know you have to be polite.

All that for this I don't care how many times anyone else gets it that is their business, I may high five a buddy if he boasts over a beer that he has been knocking the bottom out of it, or lament with another when his wife cuts him off if she doesn't like the weather that day. 
But when it comes to sex all I am really worried about is my sexual well being and my wife's pleasure the happier and more fun she has the more fun I have whether that is 10 times a day or 3 times a week.


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Our sex life depends on my mans disability and my mental health. It fluctuates a lot. He is sore a lot, so I understand that and we can sometimes work around it.

If I am crazy manic, I can be satisfied by his amazing oral skills.

If he didn't have a disability, we would have sex a lot more.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife believes in a normal amount of sex.

For a giant panda :rofl:


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Both 42, together 20+ years.
> 
> We have sex usually 4-5 times a week, unless someone is sick or we are fighting, which is rare. If we drop below twice a week for more than a couple of weeks we start detaching emotionally.
> 
> ...


We are only 3 years in, daily sex is what we both want and enjoy. It will slow down over time I guess but for now I don't need time to build tension, if anything our pattern has changed to having sex twice a night a few nights a week and less morning sex due to it being a crazy busy life ATM.

You guys are inspirational Lyris, I can only hope that Mr H and I are still on this mortal coil for 20 more years and still enjoying each other.


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I don't think there is anything I'd rather be doing. So a day going by without it seems like a waste of opportunity. I've rarely not appreciated something even when it was available in abundance.


----------



## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

There is a lot that determines the frequency of a couple's sex life. When I was infected with a couple of pathogens and had a couple of body parts temporally removed, our sex life took an nose dive into the cellar. Bless my wife as she did her best to keep me from crawling the hospital room walls but she is so shy that we had to block my hospital room door with chairs to keep the nurses out Could have been interesting if the door block failed!:smthumbup:

Now that I have my parts back, we are ramping up to a very satisfying frequency. I am happy to say that she is enjoying her "O's" more than ever and that has helped the quality as well as the quantity. Happy Wife -- Happy Life!!!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> My wife believes in a normal amount of sex.
> 
> For a giant panda :rofl:


----------



## pushing50 (Aug 5, 2010)

At 30 yrs, our normal? 2/wk. More than she (admits she) wants, less than I want. But better than it was for most of our marriage.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Or evaluate if their expectations of wanting more or less *sax* is reasonable.


More sax or not... there's always room for more cowbell.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

As stress can hinder libido, my husband and I are very aware of keeping our current stress levels lower, aiming for quality sleep and supporting one another. We've got a few things happening at once at the moment in terms of change. All manageable and positive but stressful nonetheless.

We both like tension to build and are on the same page with regards to frequency. Hasn't always been this way though. We've each had to own our crap in the relationship so that we could both be open (mind and body) with one another. 

I feel if there's a disconnect with intimacy, there's a disconnect in other areas of the relationship. In saying that, some can go at it like rabbits and not stand each other beyond sex. 

In summary... I know nothing.


----------



## just_james (Oct 27, 2008)

I completely agree. It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing ow what they consider normal, it's about you being happy with your sex life. If your partner is not at the same level as you and makes no effort to change, that's when I think things fall apart.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

GTdad said:


> I seem to recall seeing that the average married couple of any age has sex 67 times a year.
> 
> It's possible that some spouses read that to say 6 to 7 times a year.


My husband uses reading glasses but they obviously need replacing - I'm lucky if we have sex 6 or 7 times a year. 67 times a year sounds like heaven to me


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

doobie said:


> My husband uses reading glasses but they obviously need replacing - I'm lucky if we have sex 6 or 7 times a year. 67 times a year sounds like heaven to me


What about 670?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> What about 670?


That's about where my wife and I will be for the year...maybe a bit more than that...


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> That's about where my wife and I will be for the year...maybe a bit more than that...


Some TAM members won't hit that in 10 years, others in 60 years, some in 100 years and others over 1000 years....


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That's about where my wife and I will be for the year...maybe a bit more than that...


Same, as you know. I don't count anymore but it would be well over 600 per yr. 

I doubt the ex and I did it that many times in 20 years.


----------



## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

pushing50 said:


> At 30 yrs, our normal? 2/wk. More than she (admits she) wants, less than I want. But better than it was for most of our marriage.


Same for us, but I had to fight for it.
Got her a vibrator we use together (as far as i know...) and she seems to want it more now!
:smthumbup:


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Same, as you know. I don't count anymore but it would be well over 600 per yr.
> 
> I doubt the ex and I did it that many times in 20 years.


Yeah, I gave up counting a long time ago. It's funny you said that about you and you ex because just last night my wife said that she figured we have had sex more times in the past two years than the entire rest of her life combined.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

It's interesting how we tend to view things through our own life.

I always assumed that I was a relatively high drive individual for my age but reading some of this stuff makes me realise that I am medium drive at best.

(And happy with my drive too.)


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> It's interesting how we tend to view things through our own life.
> 
> I always assumed that I was a relatively high drive individual for my age but reading some of this stuff makes me realise that I am medium drive at best.
> 
> (And happy with my drive too.)


Ahh Wysh...you got a few years on me, and I hope I've got your drive when I catch up to where you are right now...and I hope Mrs Yeagar still has it too like Mrs Wysh does


----------



## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

We're both early 50’s, 25+ years, and have been 3-4 times/week throughout. When the frequency drops below that, I start paying attention more to what's going on with us. Kind of like using temps to measure health: 98.6 F is good, any higher and we need to bolster the immune system.

When our dd was seriously ill a few years ago, we had a lot of tension in our M because we disagreed on how to approach the illness. He wanted mainstream meds; I wanted to avoid side effects. One thing we kept doing to connect was maintain our sexual frequency. Even though we were at a complete tug-of-war over the stress of illness, we stayed bonded. Now that our dd is recovered, we are enjoying each other again outside of the bedroom. But having lots of sex probably saved our marriage.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

treyvion said:


> What about 670?


Yeah, I can do that


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That's about where my wife and I will be for the year...maybe a bit more than that...


670 is an average of almost 13 times...per week, every week of the year.

I can't even imagine wanting to have sex that much, but damn kudos to you guys for having sex almost twice a day, every day!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jaquen said:


> 670 is an average of almost 13 times...per week, every week of the year.
> 
> I can't even imagine wanting to have sex that much, but damn kudos to you guys for having sex almost twice a day, every day!


Cheap and easy entertainment for a couple who doesn't have a whole lot of money  Some couples enjoy biking, others enjoy video games...we happen to really enjoy sex together.

We do take days off every now and then, but not too many, and the longest drought since we've been together is two days...and then there's the occasional five times in a day so it all evens out. Lately, she been having to get up earlier for work, and so morning sex has become more common.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Faiora said:


> Anyway, to finally get to the point:
> 
> I came across this data and thought it might be helpful to some couples who think their relationship is somehow lacking because they aren't having as much sex as their neighbours, or that other guy on the forum.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with your interpretation at point B. I only would want to add that you can steer your sex drive by slowly shifting in the desired direction. And there is a danger of going to a sexless marriage by external causes, and your sex drive is getting used to it, where suddenly it gets inflamed by a new situation, a new love, and the danger of cheating.

So I would like to advise to have a lot of sex, to stay intimate, to keep and grow a kind of togetherness that is very healing and satisfying to both the relation and yourself.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

All I know is ... in the past my Husband wanted MORE... so he could have been happier.. and I needed a brick to my head.. then the tables shifted, I got a taste of THAT .. and didn't like it AT ALL... but he was there for me in every way he could...what a man!....otherwise I would have been pulling my hair out.. 

I learned my lesson... Now we are totally in sync - Geez.. finally..after 20 + years of marriage... I just wish he was more vocal in the past to his needs.. cause I was capable of SO MUCH MORE...and I would not have wanted him to suffer...

A rule of thumb seems to be for women to understand men have a very antsy craving "Needing to be filled" sex drive in their younger years...and we need to step up even if we aren't feeling it .... be willing to take care of them.. so when these tables switch for us in mid life and our men are slowing down, he will remember how we were there for HIM...and hopefully do all he can to keep up with us.. 

It's almost like a cruel joke from the Gods that men's drives are SKY HIGH in his 20's...into 30's...then slowly.. He starts slowing down...when women finally come into their prime with that crazy testosterone surge in mid life... (I know it's not like this for everyone but it's part of our story...and I wish I was aware of these truths back in the day)...


----------



## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Can I borrow that brick SA? We can all pass it around. :rofl:


----------



## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Holland said:


> Same, as you know. I don't count anymore but it would be well over 600 per yr.
> 
> I doubt the ex and I did it that many times in 20 years.


Funny you mentioned that. I've had the same through in reverse. I've had less sex in 16 years of marriage than in 1 year with my ex.

Damn, love and life sure get in the way of fun.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Sex is not about having one's needs fulfilled as much as it is about having the emotional connection between partners refilled or recharged.

Yea, the physical act is fun for half an hour or so and releases lots of good hormones, but so is driving my Mini S thru some nice twisted back roads... At the end of the day you look for the meaning of it all and what has it done to move your relationship forward. If that's not happening then the physical act is not of much value.

People are emotional creatures as much as they are physical creatures. Probably more so.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

the normal in the first two years of my marriage was once every month or two. 

the normal now is once or twice a day... sometimes sex is about all we think about. 
its a hell of a lot better than the arguments we used to get into all the time.
i couldnt imaging putting a standard on sex frequency... but it does seem that the health of our relationship is directly reflected in how turned on we feel.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In the words of Dr. House "Everyone Lies"


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> All I know is ... in the past my Husband wanted MORE... so he could have been happier.. and I needed a brick to my head.. then the tables shifted, I got a taste of THAT .. and didn't like it AT ALL... but he was there for me in every way he could...what a man!....otherwise I would have been pulling my hair out..
> 
> I learned my lesson... Now we are totally in sync - Geez.. finally..after 20 + years of marriage... I just wish he was more vocal in the past to his needs.. cause I was capable of SO MUCH MORE...and I would not have wanted him to suffer...
> 
> ...



To be honest SA I think your experience is more common than you might think.
In many respects we were like this and I know from chatting with friends their marriages are similar.

It is pointless beating yourself up about what you did or didn't do, you must have done some canoodling or where did your children come from?
In your particular family dynamic you are a SAHM and I know from experience that looking after the home and kids can be very tiring.
Perhaps this is somewhere that some men are lacking a bit. We perhaps get home and expect a sex kitten waiting for us to ravish. However said sex kitten has spent all day up to her elbows in nappies (diapers), dishes, laundry, dusting, sick child, school runs, shopping, cooking etc etc. and frankly feels as far away from a sex kitten as you could imagine. Maybe men could help more by trying to let the kitten out to play?

And in fairness the opposite can apply, hubby gets home and the wife expects Mr Darcy to enter the room or the guy from Shades of Grey, whatever. And in reality a guy who has done the commute to work, had to deal with sh1tty customers all day long, unhelpful colleagues, impossible deadlines, impending threats to his job and numerous other setbacks.

Life just gets in the way sometimes.


What is a typical amount of sex will, I think, vary over the course of a marriage. So long as you are both happy with what you have then all is good.

Yes I would have liked more when I was younger, and yes Mrs Wysh practically tapped me out on a few occasions as we moved into our late forties early fifties and yes she has now slowed down as she has moved into menopause. as I say, it varies.


----------



## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> While you're premise is correct, you cannot discount tools in evaluating the health of a marriage.
> 
> The frequency of sex is only one tool used by therapists to gauge a couples connection. For example, lets say you go to the doctor and he finds a rough odd shaped patch on your skin. Not 'normal'. Time to freak out? No, time to look closer that's all. Send you to a dermatologist, take a biopsy, et. Turns out everything is fine and go on with life.
> 
> ...


I haven't had counselling related to my relationship (although I have seen psychologists and a psychiatrist for other reason), so any information I have about the relationship counselling process is second-hand, or a result of information from this site. In other words, I may be off-base. 

But it seems to me that using *any* number (times per week) as a baseline is problematic. 

When I've seen a psychologist, they've let me bring up issues on my own, presumably so they could tell what I'm having problems with, instead of projecting their own perceptions onto my life. If a psychologist (or anyone) asks you how many times you have sex every week, they're bringing in a new problem that might not have been there before, by making you wonder whether you're normal, or whether your sex life is indicative of some larger problem. What I'm getting at is that there can't be a problem with your sex life if neither you nor your SO has a problem with it. If someone must ask, why not say "are you satisfied" instead of "how often"?

A doctor who sees an irregular mole is working with quantitative data, and whether the mole bothers you or not (or whether the doctor expresses concern or asks you questions), the lab results from the biopsy are unlikely to change. Not so with psychologists/psychiatrists/counsellors. I'm sure they're acutely aware of that, and I'm sure they keep it in mind. But it's not so easy for us to do that for ourselves, when we read about other people's perceptions of what's normal. 

(To clarify the above: It is not my intention to express any problem with psychologists/psychiatrists/counselors. I think most (hopefully all) of them do good work and keep their clients' health in mind. But our perceptions of the things we read or hear can be a major problem for us.)

Anyway, I'll get off my soap box now.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

not on your 'soapbox'

your view is as valid as anybody's

"What I'm getting at is that there can't be a problem with your sex life if neither you nor your SO has a problem with it." Faiora

however, statistics (in my view) whether they are objective or subjective are of value to the social sciences as well as the 'hard' sciences. a therapist may never ask you about your sex life.

However, they may ask something like "how is your intimacy?"
you may say "great!" and they leave it at that.

However, while the average statistically may have very little to do with your particular situation, in a broader sense, data on intimacy has value just like anything else.

For example, let's say you answer; "our intimacy sucks!" Then the therapist may ask "how often are you intimate?" and you answer "10 times a week!" Well, then, how is the therapist suppose to take that? He/She is not going to say "well, everything's fine then, let's go on to another subject". Rather, they will probably get you to discuss the 'quality' of the intimacy rather than quantity.

If on the other hand the average frequency of couples was 2 times per year, don't you think it would trigger a different path of inquiry?

sex statistics are a tool that's all. Nothing more. One tool of thousands that make up the analysis of human behavior.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

And the statistics are valuable because if you're three sigma to one side of the mean, 98% of the rest of us are getting more or less sex than are you. There may well be very good information to be learned from why. Statistical outliers always require more scrutiny.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I've been at both minus AND plus three sigma!


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I've been at both minus AND plus three sigma!


Then I guess that just puts you at the mean.


----------



## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

michzz said:


> It depends on age to a degree.


Ahhh maybe it does but does not mean that the frequency of sex will necessarily decrease. Believe me, my wife and I are in our 70's and are better rabbits today than ever before (no more baby bunnies though)! And we both enjoy the finish immensely! :smthumbup:


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Then I guess that just puts you at the mean.


What's the population mean (lifetime, or maybe by age group)? Besides, there may be time-weighting needed to arrive at the correct numbers!


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Age, marital status, financial status, and culture are the basic variables I would throw in my SPSS model... Probably using a nice categorical data analysis model targeted towards measurements of association... Good stuff yum!

You can't simply look at means and decide because of all the other variables involved.


----------



## ahsorandy (Sep 10, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> People get in trouble when they fall into the whole "Keeping up with the Jones' " mentality, and sex is no different. You need to find what works in your relationship because no one else's has any bearing.
> 
> *My wife and I have sex 10-15 times a week*, and are both very happy, satisfied, and comfortable with that number.


10-15 times a week! WOW. I'm fortunate to reach 10-15 times in a year!

You are one very lucky man!

Boy, would I like a marriage do over! Can I get a marriage mulligan?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ahsorandy said:


> 10-15 times a week! WOW. I'm fortunate to reach 10-15 times in a year!
> 
> You are one very lucky man!
> 
> Boy, would I like a marriage do over! Can I get a marriage mulligan?


I'm a lucky man because I have a great wife in so many ways...sex just happens to be one of them.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

For me it would be even more interesting to know how often and how long together. Because that's the real key here


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> For me it would be even more interesting to know how often and how long together. Because that's the real key here


I'm 55, he's 54, we've been married for just under 2 years and have had sex 11 times in the past year (some of those times were after I had come to the end of my tether and freaked out a bit about it). Earlier this year we went for 13 weeks without any sex.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> For me it would be even more interesting to know how often and how long together. Because that's the real key here


I'm 42 and she's 39. We've been together over two years, and we've maintained the 10+ times a week from the very first time we had sex.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Personal said:


> Our current frequency is 4-6 times a week, we are 43m & 44f, together 18+ years.
> 
> What about you?


i'm 44, he is 45, twenty years . 2-3 a week was very long time ago.... now closer to 2-3- amonth if at all, although last year was exception. It is not for the lack of desire. My marriage is on its way south. 

It almost physically hurts to read about these 2.3.... 100 times a week. Sad for me.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> For me it would be even more interesting to know how often and how long together. Because that's the real key here


25 years next year. We go for it approximately every two days but this has slowed down recently, so approximately 2 to 3 times a week.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

38m/38f. Approx 1 or 2 per month on average. This is an increase.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> 38m/38f. Approx 1 or 2 per month on average. This is an increase.


how long together?


----------



## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

This is a long series of posts and may have already been said to some degree, but what matters is the norm for YOU, in your relationship. When that number starts to vary drastically, you have to ask why. And if both of you understand why and then agree the number should change, you're good. Just be on the same page. Whether it's 10 times a year or 10 times a week. The norm for you is what matters and that norm will change over time and with outside factors. All in all we should be rating our level of happiness/contentment/love with each other as opposed to the number of times we have sex. Probably. Don't quote me on that. : )


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> how long together?


Together 20 years, married 11.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

tryagain13 said:


> This is a long series of posts and may have already been said to some degree, but what matters is the norm for YOU, in your relationship. When that number starts to vary drastically, you have to ask why. And if both of you understand why and then agree the number should change, you're good. Just be on the same page. Whether it's 10 times a year or 10 times a week. The norm for you is what matters and that norm will change over time and with outside factors. All in all we should be rating our level of happiness/contentment/love with each other as opposed to the number of times we have sex. Probably. Don't quote me on that. : )


it is not about norm. People are simply curious. This is not something that's easy to find real life data on. and it's good to see if your expectations or hopes are realistic.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I think there is a 'norm'.

Based on what I read on TAM most men are wanting something like 3-4 times a week, some want it every day, some are satisfied with a couple of times a month, but not many!


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don't usually read these threads... they make me depressed, one way or another...


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> For me it would be even more interesting to know how often and how long together. Because that's the real key here


Almost 20 years...


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I think there is a 'norm'.
> 
> Based on what I read on TAM most men are wanting something like 3-4 times a week, some want it every day, some are satisfied with a couple of times a month, but not many!


I wish my husband wanted it at all - I'd love to get it 3 or 4 times a week (in my fifties) but I'm lucky if we do it once every six weeks or so.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In the last couple of months we've had a dramatic decline to about 4x a week (from at least 7-10x for the last 14 years). That's because of a major spinal injury at work, constant severe pain, and recent surgery that will require at least several months of physical therapy - but at least her pain is intermittent now so we can try to find positions that work better and hopefully return to our normal soon. She woke me up early this morning, though!


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There are statistical averages but there is no "norm".


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I applaud all those here and elsewhere, those married for 10-15 + years who still connect intimately multiple times per week.

As the years go by I would think intimacy would decline and just the natural 'blahs' that go with life and marriage as time rolls by.
The old saying 'familiarity breeds contempt'.
The longer we are together, the more the hurts, disappointments, resentments naturally build up and intimacy declines as a result I would think.

so to those long time married who still have it for each other, and don't let the years piling up get in their way...........Good for you!!

I am a newbie (1.5 year married) 3 times a week, and I'll try to keep it that way.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jaquen said:


> There are statistical averages but there is no "norm".



Culture defines expectations which in term HELP define the "norm"...


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

jaquen said:


> There are statistical averages but there is no "norm".


we don't care abuot the name, we are just curious bunch


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

doobie said:


> I wish my husband wanted it at all - I'd love to get it 3 or 4 times a week (in my fifties) but I'm lucky if we do it once every six weeks or so.


Unless there is a medical problem, diabetes etc, he can grow his interest back in my opinion.

I think in a lot of marriages the sex is equal to boredom and a not worth the trouble chore, for at least one of the partners.

It is a taboo, it needs to be lifted.

What is his explanation?


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Unless there is a medical problem, diabetes etc, he can grow his interest back in my opinion.
> 
> I think in a lot of marriages the sex is equal to boredom and a not worth the trouble chore, for at least one of the partners.
> 
> ...


His explanation is that we're in our fifties and too old to be thinking about sex and that he just doesn't think about it from one month to the next. However, I'm having to have a rethink after WorkingOnMe pointed out that he probably doesn't like the type of sex I like and that that is his real reason for not wanting sex with me. I must say, I hadn't thought that this could be down to my lack of expertise in being able to please him and find pleasure in what he likes to do to me. I've started a new thread on this and it will be interesting to see what others have to say about it. I really do welcome the advice and friendship available here on TAM  .


----------

