# My wife filed... Dazed and confused



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Yesterday I got my wife to admit that she had filed. Although I did not want it to happen, I expected it would, based on all that we have been through in our years together. I imagine this is what it feels like to be shot and know that your time is limited. Things actually started to look dark when she said the words. I don't feel much better today, as the initial shock is wearing off and now it is just the hurt.

I think she is feeling some of that, as when she saw I had an appointment with my lawyer on Thursday, she got upset and just stared at the calendar. She said again, "I hope I don't get screwed". I have told her countless times that is not my intent. In fact, I am already thinking of ways to take care of her needs, as she has not worked in years, and my job will take me out of town for multiple weeks, so she will be caring for the kids most of the time. I can't bear to think of being away from them or her, especially right now, but that is the state I am in.

Last night I was like a zombie at work. I am surprised I did not get hurt or killed, as I work in a factory. It can be pretty dangerous, if you are not paying attention. I tried to stay in my office as much as I could, but that really is not my choice, others have control over where I am needed.

I don't know how to feel right now. I am angry, mostly at myself for letting this build for so long. I am angry at the situation, angry at the other man for being what she needs, upset, confused, tired, hungry, lonely, depressed, you name it, its there. I don't even know how to manage them all.

In the meantime, we have two beautiful kids that don't even know what is going on. I can't bear to tell them of what will most likely happen.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

Hang in there for your kids. I am in the same boat. I moved out Friday, got hit with we can be friends and then told that I needed to get all my personal stuff out, told she talked to the lawyer and said to give her the keys to our home all that day. Granted the house, car and all is in my name it is half and half. She lives there, works from there and my heart is still there. I am praying everyday and keeping the faith that my kids will be ok. Today I got hit with the kid next door went to a work cookout with her, mind you he is 24 she is 37, my 2 kids in the back seat, and it is her friends boyfriend to boot but they arent gtting along. WTF!!! The only thing I want is to keep the house in my name and joint custody on the kids. In my heart I want back in the house but know it wont happen. I love her dearly and I am changing for the better everyday. So I tell you to please take it easy, think before react (though it is the toughest) and keep your kids in your mind. DO NOT do anythnig to jeopardize you seeing the kids, stay sane and you will be better off.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I met with my lawyer today and its already getting ugly. W's lawyer suggested sole custody for the kids. I am not willing to go that far and relinquish legal rights to the kids activites, medical procedures, say in schools, etc. She went nuts when I told her of that and is now worried about all aspects of things. Money, posessions, all items. I understand her concern, as right now she has nothing - no job, no income, no future insurance, no house, etc. However, I am not the one that brought this on her. She is the one who is not willing to at least try for any sort of reconsiliation.

She went earlier to see pastor for help, but my issues were keeping me from proceding with her. Now I have come around and understand love and marriage and what to give more and am willing/desiring to work on this. As I said before, she is now pursuing someone else, and says its too late. She is too hurt to work with me. 

In earlier discussions, she said that when talking to pastor, he asked her if she would keep the status quo or take the risk. She said take the risk without hesitation. Well, you are now in the middle of the risk.

I am a bit surprised that she has not done any research on anything. The guy she is building a relationship with has gone thru a divorce, and he is her sole source of information. She spends more time on shopping and gossip sites than finding out any informaton on what will be happening to her.

So far, nothing I have said has reassured her that I am not out to hose her, but I am not going to give her everything either. 

Man, this sucks. It is only the first day and papers haven't even been served. I imagine one of us is going to be moving out soon...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

In discussons we had over the past weekend she had mentioned about little things like saying good morning again I had stopped. If you read my other thread in the considering divorce you know that she has spent many minutes on the cell phone. I let things like that get to me and I ended up stopping some of the littler things. I still did the larger things for her, like the bathrooms, the laundry and some cleaning of the kitchen so she would not have to. I just did not do the little things. 

Geez = I spend 4 hrs weeding and caring for the garden and flowers so she doesn't have to go out in the hot afternoon sun and she complains about me not saying hello in the morning? I don't' understand sometimes.

She also used some of the where have you been for 5 years talk. I had not heard this before this weekend, so apparently she is thinking of our time together? Its a twisted way to think of it, but maybe?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Another blow this morning. She came down to talk before the kids got up and said that we may need to each go away for alternating weekends, as she can't handle the stress now. Yesterdays talks over the lawyer issues are pushing her to the edge. I tried to be calm and talk rationally about the difference of the issues, but she takes that as I am talking down to her. I can't even talk right! 

Not only that, but later when we were talking of how to move out after divorce is finalized and what items we will need to establish two households, she insists that shortly after divorce, she will be having a relationship with him. I take this to mean that they will be getting married. I just can't believe that within 2 months all this is happening. Not that we did not have issues before, we did, but at my older daughters birthday on June 19, he was not in the picture. Now, two months later, she is talking of getting married. 

I don't know how to deal...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

tryntoo: yea, staying sane is the tough part. as I said above, when I try to talk calmly and reasurringly, she takes it as belittling and talking down. I guess I just don't know how to say things.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your wife is scared and unhappy. This guy that she's involved with is "filling her up" emotionally or so it seems. It's much easier to run from a marriage if you are running "to" someone else. 

Don't be so sure that they are going to be together. Once the sneaking and planning with the boyfriend is out in the open are out for all to see, it won't be as thrilling. When you are separated/divorced, then the true colors of their relationship will shine for the both of them. 

It doesn't sound like she very rational at this point. It's very common. Plus, she will also be defensive as you have the upper hand financially. At this point she will be looking for your ulterior motives. Don't feed into it. 

Protect yourself and your kids, like you have been. She will wake up at one point. It might, however, be too late when the time comes.....


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

CW: Not only that, but the guy she is involved with is also going through a divorce. The both have the same mess they are in the middle of. To me that just spells disaster, as she has said that his STBX2 (divorced her twice) is aggressive towards him being with my stbx. These items will bring twice the stress into the relationship. 

Yeah, she is scared and angry. At this point, all i can really do is the LMBT ideas and stand back, be loving in my behaviors to her, be the ultimate dad for the two kids (I already rock at that) and get out of my funk and do something for me so I am not a wreck. 

I don't have any alterior motives, as pretty much all will be gone and neither of us will have much when this goes thru. She is going to get what she needs to provide for the kids and herself while I am away. I will be left with the basics. She was shocked when I told her my lawyer thought it may be a year to year and a half till this is done. There is just so many divorces in the system, it will take that to get through the courts.

Maybe it is too late, but as I said before, I at least want a chance to try. I could not do that before, but now I can. I think we owe it to God, ourselves, and our family.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

It looks like this is becoming my "blog", as it is for all the others here...

Thanks to everyone for letting me vent...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Not completely hidden*

CW: Thanks for the info, however not everything is hidden. Her family knows of this person. They have met for dinner, met her sisters family, gone to her dads grave. Our kids have met him and his daughter. I am pretty much the only one who has not met this person. Good thing too, as I probably would have a few choice words with a Chaplain, 12 years senior to my stbxw who is still married himself! Normally I am not an agressive person, but this is pushing it.

Maybe I should just get out. This is one of my weak moments. I didn't get a chance to eat lunch today, as I had some errands to do before work, and obviously I don't sleep too well.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*sleeping and dreams*

After posting that last line, I got the image that has come up in my dreams lately, and has woken me up. It is like I am viewing myself sleeping in a white room, alone, and all of a sudden in my dream I wake up paranoid of being alone. Then I wake up in real life, alone. Then, obviously, I stumble around the house as I am too freaked out to fall back asleep.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Boy this guy has some serious nerve. I would be so ashamed if I were him. What a loser. Do women or men not realize that if the guy or girl is cheating with them...that is not a good sign of them being trustworthy. How can you start a relationship with someone you know is not trustworthy? 

Ugh.....this makes me sick.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

you and me too, dearie....


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*I screwed up tonite...*

When I went to the lawyers yesterday, I had the kids as my w was at the docotrs. I had the car seat in my car, and I dropped the kids off with her at the gym . I forgot to put the car set in her car when I dropped them off. Then again, I forgot to take it out when I went to work. She had a volunteer thing tonight and did not have a car seat. OOPS!! She is pissed! I got a statement of "you think you want joint custody and you can't even remember the car seat?"

oh, well, she has her faults too. I feel bad, but mistakes happen and there is not usually a car seat in my car. I guess it did not help my situation any...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Re: I screwed up tonite...*

Oh, I forgot. I dropped what I was doing at work and went to where she was at and put the seat in the car.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Your wife is making decisions while her brain is flooded with infatuation hormones that are distorting her perception of what is real and what isn't. Soon the infatuation will be over and she will either try to put her life back together or she will seek out a new infatuation. 

I'm sorry you are on this path and only hope that you stay strong and level for your kids. As mom goes through her turmoil they will need someone they can count on to pay attention to them. I pray for God to deliver you out of pain and into hope.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Thank you so much, Gomez. You took the words out of my mouth. I am not sure what all is going through her right now, but I know initially it was someone that was able to give her something to fill the void left by me. Now, she is confused, nervous, afraid, scared to death. She is so strung out, that pretty much anything I say or the kids say she is yelling over. It is pretty tense in the house. I am a bit worried, for everyones safety. I don't think something woudl happen intentionally, however she has had some quite irrational outbursts when stress levels have been overly high. I'd like to reach out to her more, but I know that it will be rejected. I hope I have the chance and strength to do it anyway. It guess it can't hurt anything, as we already have papers filed.

Every day lately I have been stopping by the sanctuary for a prayer on the way to work, asking for this to be lifted and for some sense to come back to discussions.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*is this good or not?*

So what does anyone think, was this a good thing or not what she suggested - taking alternating weekends to go to our parents to get a feel of what being with and without the kids will be like? I really am not sure.

I suggested that we actually sit and talk first before things get out of hand, as they have on this first issue. I know she is scared and afraid of pretty much everything about what is happening. However, if you she is not willing to work on this issue, nothing is going to be easy. She has asked that we be open to discussing the issues, but she won't do so with this one... not sure what this means.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I suppose the alternating weekends would work. She is testing the waters. She gets the security of home and her honey. I guess I may be a bit vindictive. 

Do what is best for your girls and you. She is going to be confused for along while. Don't expect her to be rational at this point. You know what is right and what you need to do. 

Keep praying!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

He is not coming over. I have checked with my older daughter and she is pretty honest. Although I can't say for sure if she is over at his place when she is "at her moms", she does call the kids from her house at night, so I don't know. I threw out moving out to her, and that would be a bigger blow I think, as she would have to do everything. I guess her lawyer said no dates, no overnights, and such. 

Oh, I do. Many times per day!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Angry*

I am going through one of those angry times. Some with myself, some with W, some just about the situation. Two months, a married chaplain, my wife. I may have to leave. I will probably go out and do something away from her today, as I am just feeling too frustrated right now. There are so many things I would love to unleash on her for what she is doing.... but I know that it would not help any. Yes, I realize that we had trouble for years, but I was not the one who said yes to this affair. Although I damaged them with what I did, I was not the one that *destroyed *our vows. She is the only one who doesn't think what is going on is an affair. She keeps calling this a friendship. She is just afraid of being labeled as an adulteress and carrying that with her. WELL SHE IS!

None of this will help though. All this will do is just incite more anger between the two of us and further drive her away. In the end, that is the last thing I want. Even this morning, I looked at her and I still love her. I would still love to just hold on to her and say all is starting over.

Thanks for letting me vent. I had a bad night.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I understand what you are going through No1. You feel the guilt of what occurred in the past, but would never cross the line that she did.

I am in a similar situation. Not sure if the line has been crossed, but rules regarding a seperation were broken. And before you ask he is married with 3 kids of his own. I struggle with what to do. I go from angry and packing up her remaining things and just moving on without her to just wanting to work on us. I think the answer may lie in the fact that those aren't necessarily mutually exclusive paths. That doing the first will help with the second.

And yes I have a son.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

She has said that there is nothing else going on but a friendship. I have no evidence to doubt her, and what I know of her morality, I don't think she would actually move to a physical relationship. However, I feel that the emotional connection is harder for me to deal with. If it was just sex, that would hurt a lot, but not like being to talk to and confide in someone.

Every day I wonder what what things would be like if I was able to open up earlier and start the healing. As it was, I never said what was going on with my own realizations, and then he came into the picture. If I would have talked to her.... who knows. Maybe we would still be in the same place, but at least we would have dropped the false assumptions of each other. 

How long has your issues been happening? All this has happened to me since the last week of June (the affair that is). Is that CRAZY or what?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I forgot to mention, yesterday I called our EAP rep where I work. I am not sure what types of assistance they have, as we will be meeting on Tuesday, but maybe there is some form of counseling that can be provided through there. I guess I am looking more for myself, as I am a mess.

Also, if I ever get back on day shift, this fall our church has an evening class called "Finding Your Purpose". I would love to be able to attend. I really enjoy the supportive and friendly atmosphere there is at our church, but being on an offshift left me not able to take advantage of things they offered in the evenings. Hopefully that will change soon.

Looking for help everywhere...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Lets begin by saying her issues with me were brewing for a while (year to year and a half). I'm like you -- can't emotionally connect for some darn reason which I now understand through counseling. And I was just always trying to please her and avoid conflict with her, again counseling has shown me why. So her attachment for this guy started at least a few months ago. But she had stated her issues with me before I realized anything was going on. I of course was hit with the proverbial slap in the face and acted exactly the opposite of how I should of based on LMBT. 

It is not crazy. At least it hasn't been for years.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

We are in the same boat, dude... Only for me, it was much more years.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I know. I'm thinking she ws initially giving me LMBT (not from reading just doing) and I didn't react right for a while. Of course that is because you get into a highly emotional state and can't think correctly. But counseling is really helping me and so is reading. 

Besides reading marriage books I am also reading Norman Vincent Peale's "The Power of Positive Thinking". It helps. I'm just trying to improve myself for me. Find out what makes me happy and do it.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I have been reading too. I have half of lmbt read, and am trying to put its principles to use. It is hard and it hurts lots. She still lashes out at me.

Today I said I took my name off our discover and kohls card and opened my own kohls. I had to get a couple of shirts for my new job as I won't be supplied uniforms. She got PISSED!

Her birthday is in a couple of weeks and she does not want anything from me. I am not sure if I should get something anyway or what. Her mom is coming up to be with the kids and she is planning on going out to dinner with the OM. I am pissed about that, but what can I do. 

Although I am not giving up on trying anything, LMBT and some of the stuff in Love Dare, I really think this is done. She is just becoming too focused on this train wreck she is heading into. As I said before, I don't believe this will be a lasting relationship. She is going to get hurt, as it is moving too fast to far. She is already picking out baby names. Another strange thing is in the internet history is stuff about belly button piercing. That is not her. Stress is getting to her. She is acting irrational. Honestly I am a bit fearful for her safety.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Feelingalone: PM me if there is anything I can do. We are in the same spot. I have been running lots of stuff thru my head too, so we may have some shared approaches and notes to go thru.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Every day she becomes more of someone that I don't even know. I don't know if that is from her gaining independence during this divorce or if it is from stress causing her to do things she wouldn't normally do.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I actually read the LMBT twice this week. Yes it does seem like we are in similar situations. My w -- still don't if the there really is an OM situation or not -- has just lost my respect.

Avoidance of conflict made her think that I didn't have guts. When we dated I didn't care if I made her mad etc. I guess having a child for me changed me or I just didn't want to play the games of dating in a marriage. Doesn't matter though. I just have to go back to how I was with regards that aspect and act like I used to in that way. 

No1 please PM to discuss. What part of michigan are you in.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. Two years ago her dad died of cancer. On her birthday. Since then, birthdays have not been the same.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*She is lost*

Well, there is items to report. Nothing really earthshattering. We went to church today, and first she yelled at me for wearing a tie. Not so sure what that means. Then she yelled at me again for holding the doors, which she says I have not done in years. Truth be told, usually she got out of the car and headed to wherever we were going, while I got the kids out and brought them in. Tough to open doors when you have your hands full with daughters. Then I got a few of the where have you been for 5 years, spiritual renewal stuff, a question on why I have started to use the common cup, rather than the individuals (not sure why, really, just felt right doing it). Overall a bad experience with her at church.

She is acting more strange again. Lately she has been obsessed with having the OM's children. I have seen more and more baby names looked up in internet history, looking up hospital information, she had a physical and got a prescrip for pre-natal vitamins. 

I am running out of steam...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I forgot to mention a couple of other things. Does anyone know of the song "White Horse" by Taylor Swift? Essentially it is a song about a guy who comes to the table too late, and is rejected by her. I guess she is playing this for me. If you get a chance, listen to it. It does hurt, but I probably deserve it.

Another thing. For some reason, she mentioned that although I never thought so (which is a lie), but plenty of men find her attractive. Yes, she is right. I gave up on letting her know how special and beautiful she is. It never got received. I never got thanked for it. She never thought any expression of what I thought of her was honest. I just gave up after a while. I never thought any other woman matched her. So many times I remember being shopping with her and just watching her from across the store, thinking she was the most beautiful woman anywhere, amazed that she was here with me. (note to others... DONT GIVE UP ON MAKING HER FEEL BEAUTIFUL!!!!) Is there any other reason she should say this other than to hurt me?


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

No1wife2kids, I got to get this off my chest, your W is a coward, dude! No disrespect, but what the hell? You seem like the kinda guy that can really communicate (as evident by your posts & which most men seem to lack), while she sounds as if though she is being quite immature!

The only thought that came to my mind right away was that you need to write to her, letters, the way you write us.

You sound like a good man, obtain some hobbies to stay sane and get a therapist. I should probably follow my own advice.

:smthumbup: 
A


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Thanks for the comments and I love your last line. I appreciate the support, but the level of communication and expression is only recently arrived for me. I was pretty locked up and that is what caused this problem between me and W. However, I never cheated, I never abused, I just did not support the way I should have. She is the one that decided to say yes to a date. Part of me doesn't blame her after 5 years. However that is is pretty small part, as my vows mean something to me.

I will be spending time for myself, as that is the only way I can support myself. I am going to focus my time on being the person that I want to be, the person that I actually am. Not the one that lived up to false expectations.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

*Re: She is lost*



no1.daddy2kids said:


> She is acting more strange again. Lately she has been obsessed with having the OM's children. I have seen more and more baby names looked up in internet history, looking up hospital information, she had a physical and got a prescrip for pre-natal vitamins.



A Dr. Appt AND an Rx for pre-natal vitamins? 

Kinda staring you in the face here....you sure she's not pregnant by the OM?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Re: She is lost*

Not based on what started last night...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Just thinking... It seems since this started, she is getting more dependent. On me, and on the OM. I would have thought being the one filing for divorce, you should be gaining freedom and wanting to exercise more independence. She is more clingy and crabby. I'm just trying to do what I have to do for myself and the two monkies...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Keep going No.1 things do work out.

Here is a quote that I'm using these days.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me".


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

*Re: She is lost*



no1.daddy2kids said:


> Not based on what started last night...


LOL! You know what though, it really sounds as if though you love her a ton. Not to bring more hurt to your situation. 

I think maybe, she has house-wife syndrome. She has perhaps lost the meaning of her life and is going through a crisis. 

I think she needs to see a psychiatrist and you need to go with her. She sounds depressed and is having a mid-life crisis, y'all.

G'luck, 
A

P.S. I'm serious about you needing to write to her, although don't give her lawyer any evidence!


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

One more thing. I thing she needs to be straightened out. Put your foot down, if you can (I can't believe I just said that- I sound like my husband). No more OM stuff, that's so disrespectful to you. She should at least have the courtesy to wait until the D is finalized, unless she's trying to make you jealous, which she very well may, she sounds immature! 

My husband would have a field day with this. Also, you know what my husband always tickles the hell out of me when we fight, perhaps y'all should develop some sort of stress relief.

 A


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am beginning to see things Airee's way...the way she is flaunting all this does sound like she is TRYING awful hard for you to see what she is doing and thinking.
Either this woman is not in her right mind or she is really does want you to be jealous. For one...having an affair even if it isn't physical does not look good during a divorce. Her attorney would have had to advise her of this....and so she would know that any judge would look down on that.

Come on...prenatal vitamines..baby names.....who does this? Think about it....most people try to hide affairs....sometimes even after the divorce is final.....cause there reallly never is an excuse. So....why would she want you to know this stuff?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Yes, Airee, I guess I do. Only, with all this going on, I am not sure I really want the fight any more. I really think this is a train wreck that just has to happen. Pretty much I can't speak to her about any of this. It is just not worth the agressiveness that comes out. We can do things about the house, or groceries, or things like that.

I have hurt her too deep. I am going to send an email to her mom about this, as not only do I think it is strange, I really don't want her to get hurt. The way she is talking, a few months after D is final, they will be married. Then family starts. I just really believe that is nuts. No matter what happens to us, I don't want her to get even more messed up. She has not been completely open about the baby stuff, but she is not good at hiding things. Notes left on counter... that sort of thing. My guess on the vitamins is that near the end, she will fill the scrip. That way, insurance gets to pay for it. She won't be able to afford it and I don't think his is like mine.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I tried to write, a couple of times. She just does not believe me. Remember, this is going on 5 years here. I think it has just gone on too far too deeply and I have no trust left. No faith left. I can't say as I blame her.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Today I have felt lonelier than I believe any other time in recent memory. I think I have already said that since being married and having two kids, I am not going to do well being divorced. Question - why is it that the standard image of the guy is being the one that avoids commitment, doesn't want to be married, doesn't want the responsibilities, looks only for sex and one night stands, and I don't want any of that? I loved the commitment part, loved being part of a family, am probably going to have to fight to get legal rights of joint legal custody so I can fulfil my commitment to my kids and their upbringing, love the sex but realize it is not the only part of being close in a relationship? Am I the odd man out here?

Man, I long to wake up next to someone again and just feel good about having that person next to me and feel the warmth.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Perhaps because you were an older man committing and ready to commit. IMHO men are not totally baked until they are nearly 30. 

If I were to repeat life over, I'd not marry a man less than 30 years of age. AND I would not get married unless I were at least 27. 

Growth and development reasons.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Hey there guy,

First of all, I made my significant other read your posts and it has actually in the span of a day, helped us. So thank you.

Second, you're beating up on yourself. You need to stop this behavior, for your health. I have experience in mental health, are you seeing a therapist? You sound beat/depressed, I mean who else wouldn't be depressed with what you're facing. This is a loss. There are 5 stages to loss/grief and you are full on in the Bargaining stage. The stages don't go in a particular order, but you sound trademark. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality...sounds like you.

It sounds like you made some mistakes and you tried to fix them up. You think you were too late, well it took you some time to get there, meanwhile your W went ahead and had an affair. I mean comeon, she needs to grow up! 

Third, stop beating up on yourself, again. 

Fourth, stop making excuses for her.

Fifth, worry about your kids as top priority and then yourself and then her, as you can see, she is worried about herself and the OM before her own kids. I know you feel guilty for not being there for her for 5 years, but you've unleashed your power. I mean, I'm worried that she's walking all over you vulnerability...not healthy at all.

Sixth, keep writing us. Good work! :smthumbup: ,
A


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

I forgot to say, you're enabling her mania. Allowing triple minutes on the cell-phone so she can chat with the sicko OM? 
Not good 2kids(your new nickname!! Not good at all.

Hope I'm not being to hard on ya, just trying to help. I see it differently than you do, obviously


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Go ahead, slap me around when I'm down... (I'M KIDDING! )

No, you are right. I have an appt to seek help on tues. Yea, the phone thing was crazy, but remember, that was on week 3 of this thing. At that point, I did not know what was happening. This whole thing started the 1st wk of July. Yes, that is right, 6 wks from an unhappy, but together family to 2 divorces and even more unpleasantness with the kids hearing mom screaming I WANT A DIVORCE!! at the top of her lungs. 

The other thing is I only have time to write at night. Night is the time I am tired and lonely. Come sit with me and we can talk and maybe my messages will be better... 

I am not easily offended, and thanks for the abuse. Sometimes you gotta be whacked around to help the situation.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*the latest*

I was on the way to work and stopped at church to check out a class coming up in the fall. I called back and left a message to W that I saw pastor, so she didnot get mad when they called. Turns out that she and OM are planning on going to the bible study class that our pastor is having. The one that told me he would do nothing but reconsiliation for us. The one that said he would be pretty stern on what direction W needed to go. She said that they wanted to go and see if OM can be a guest speaker at the class. WTF? Maybe I will move out after we get the finances separated. I am not sure I can live with this...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Wow! Maybe the pastor doesn't know that this is the OM involved? She may have just signed up and he didn't look at the roster. Bring this up to your pastor. 

Your wife is off the deep end! You know this... but she is living in another world! Get out as soon as possible. Otherwise, you are going to have a pregnant wife from the OM...he may/may not stick around. Then what?


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yes....this is reduculous. I agree.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

*Re: the latest*



no1.daddy2kids said:


> I was on the way to work and stopped at church to check out a class coming up in the fall. I called back and left a message to W that I saw pastor, so she didnot get mad when they called. Turns out that she and OM are planning on going to the bible study class that our pastor is having. The one that told me he would do nothing but reconsiliation for us. The one that said he would be pretty stern on what direction W needed to go. She said that they wanted to go and see if OM can be a guest speaker at the class. WTF? Maybe I will move out after we get the finances separated. I am not sure I can live with this...


There is something so wrong with this. You need to look clearly. Is it possible your wife is mis-labelling you in the community and the church is seeing pity on this? B/c let me tell you, there is NO WAY my church would let me bring in an OM to the church when I'm still married. Are you sure they're signed up? He's going to be a guest-speaker? Guest speak on what, INFIDELITY? That guy is a creep! Wish I could get a piece of him! issed::gun:
Hang in there!
I sympathize for you. Your situation is really humbling for me. Do not lose your self-worth. Head up, chin up. You're alright!
:smthumbup:
I love the avatars!
Sorry for smacking you around...I've kinda got that strong personality thing going on. My significant other impersonates me sometimes...I can be a tool 

A


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Re: the latest*

I dont' think that pastor knows that W/OM are coming, and that he wants to guest speak. I am glad that I am not the only one that is sitting back and laughing at this. Maybe I should write a book, half comedy and half what not do do in a relationship. Its like a soap opera!

I dont' think there is mislabling in the community/church. W does not have many friends, and I have talked my side w/ both pastors, so they know where the whole thing is coming from both sides. I hope I haven't painted too negative a picture only of W, as I am not sinless in this situation either. Lately I have probably been more angry and distant at times, because of what has been happening over the last week. Check back on my other threads, and I have not been a perfect husband. However, I have learned lots about me, and am more ready to accept the challenge of marriage now. I am willing to change and grow. I have fully admited what I did was wrong and am willing to be the one now.

Airee - no worries. I need it sometimes. My wife has given up on me, so someone needs to keep me in line now. Single men can't be trusted... right?


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## IWantLove (Jun 20, 2009)

No1.daddy2kids, I just have to tell you that I'm heartbroken for you. I've been following your posts but haven't really known what to say or what advice I can give. In my recent experience, though, I know that it just helps to know that people are thinking about and praying for you, even if there's nothing tangible they can do to help (because really, what can they do?).

So, all I can say is hang in there. Do what YOU need to do to keep yourself and your kids healthy. You can't make your W change her mind or heart, and that lack of control can be really scary. But, you can control what you do for yourself and how you approach the situation.

Keep calm and carry on.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Iwantlove and all others - yeah, you are right. Sometimes it is nice to know that there is somewhere to just open up. Not that anyone really has an answer, but just an I'm sorry that happend to you is comforting. I guess this is probably what should have happened in our marriage?

As you can see, I have been doing like so many others, using this thread as a sounding board for what happens to this crazy mixed up thing called divorce that is happening to me. I apologize to all of you if I ramble on, sometimes maybe incoherently, but oh, well. We are all in the same boat, arent' we?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No apologies are necessary. Just know that people are pulling for you.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

*Re: the latest*



no1.daddy2kids said:


> Maybe I should write a book, half comedy and half what not do do in a relationship. Its like a soap opera!
> 
> I hope I haven't painted too negative a picture only of W, as I am not sinless in this situation either.
> 
> Single men can't be trusted... right?


1. Writing a book is a great idea. You should do it. Your life experience would be a great love-comedy. Although, I don't mean to make a mockery out of it. I think it would be a great way to channel your energy. If I was you I'd start from where you met and go through time...

2. You haven't painted a negative picture of your wife. You're suprisingly neutral and can address your own wrongs, very good! I am just not fond of the OM! Hence the need to blow him away. Although, I know I shouldn't judge. 

3. Single men can be trusted. My significant other, is the example of this. Self-control comes from a spiritually strong individual, this is my s/o. If he can do it, anyone can.

4. IWL/IWantLove your post was excellent and so eloquently said. I agree.

,
A

P.S. Have you all read Niffenneger's; "The Time Traveller's Wife"? It's in the thatres now and I saw it. I liked it, I hope I'm not straying (but, I am), but it was a wonderful movie. Y'all should see it- it's a love story


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Birthday*

Any thoughts on her upcoming birthday? Her birthday is the same day her dad died of cancer 2 years ago, which puts a damper on things. The kids want to do something fun for her, 7yr old making a few things. Her mom is coming to take her out to lunch. OM is surely taking her out to dinner, other reason why mom is coming (I work nights, so I won't even be around). I hate the thought of not doing anything. However, the whole situation leaves me pretty angry. 

I could use some help here. I just don't know how to do this one. part of me is so angry because of the OM that I don't want to do anything. Not only that, she will probably throw anything I do away. BUT, she is my wife. I love her even through this.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

If you do anything at all I would think a simple card wishing a happy birthday from a friend. That would be my thoughts.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

IF you have to do something, please, just a card.

Personally, I would help the kids to make something nice and that's it.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

What would she do for you on your b-day? You do the same...
B-day card is OK too...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

This year she got stuff basically from the kids. And the cards were made from the kids. Nothing from her. However, we were not at this stage. that was 3 months prior to the OM


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> This year she got stuff basically from the kids. And the cards were made from the kids. Nothing from her. However, we were not at this stage. that was 3 months prior to the OM


birthday is the weirdest time. more so than anniversary or any other holiday. it's the one time they can "oops" you and not be held responsible. y'know, it's not their birthday, huh?

i got a lot of stuff from the kids. but the most touching thing i got was a "happy birthday" phone call from beth. she was emotional (not weepy) about it, i heard it in her voice. i studded up until she hung up. then i cried like a little baby.

christmas is ours. it starts the morning after thanksgiving. we have a big ol' breakfast together, watch christmas classic movie till we fall asleep, shop late and begin decorating. we did it all last yr (our first christmas of separation) and it had great meaning.

do what makes YOU feel good. if it makes you feel good to buy a cake, buy a cake. if it makes you feel good to send flowers, send flowers.

i guarantee it, it'll be appreciated.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Apparently I am the AntiChrist. I left a couple of socks balled up in the laundry.

W is having a hard time coming down from Celexa. I think that is more the issue... Doc said to just stop taking them. She doesn't think she needs them now that OM is in her life and he makes everything perfect. 

Do I sound bitter and angry right now?....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> W is having a hard time coming down from Celexa. I think that is more the issue... Doc said to just stop taking them.


what doctor is this!?!? doctor doolittle???

"just stop taking them? dudes about one "incident" from malpractice. 

doctors? opinions please.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

One should never follow the opinions of someone online. The information I am providing below is my knowlege and research and should NOT be followed without contacting your own health care provider.

It is my understanding that all anti-depressants need to be discontinued in a step-down fashion. Are you sure this is what the physician said? Sometimes, ppl hear what they want to hear, especially psychiatry patients. I believe Citalopram causes anxiety, mood-laibility, etc on abrupt d/c...Some anti-depressants have the well-known side effect of increased risk of suicidal ideations upon abrupt d/c.

Are you sure this is an MD? Not a psychologist or a therapist (MSW) or PA/NP? In some states the latter have prescription writing priveleges. 

Did you hear the MD say she can discontinue the Celexa yourself? Perhaps the Celexa was contraindicated (ie. pregnancy). The mayo clinic had a lay article on Celexa causing lung problems (PPHN) in the NB in the last trimester of the pregnancy.

Your W, sounds Bipolar aka Manic/Depressive. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder. Read the signs and symptoms. It may also be a milder form, such as Cyclothymia. If this is the case the treatment is different (a mood stabilizer). Consider a 2nd opinion. Ask yourself are there other ppl in the family with BPD?

One last thing folks, mental illness runs in the family and has behavioral components. Put your kids first and in the most healthiest enviornment as possible.

You must do your own research and come up with your own opinions AND contact your health-care provider and speak with them. An online forum can not and should not be trusted. You never know who is on the other end...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

voivod said:


> do what makes YOU feel good. if it makes you feel good to buy a cake, buy a cake. if it makes you feel good to send flowers, send flowers.
> 
> i guarantee it, it'll be appreciated.



I agree with this over my aforementioned advice actually. You do what makes you feel good.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Airee: Thanks for the info. No I did not actually hear this myself. However W has not taken them since Friday. There are no more bottles. I agree with what you wrote about stepping down the dosage. 

As far as the birthday, I will probably just get a card, as it will be thrown away anyway. She is going out for lunch with the kids and is hoping to go out with OM for dinner. I'm pissed about this and this is part of the reason that I want to get the finances separated and possibly move out. I can't live with this any more. I am sick of the criticisms, of the arguments, of the constant negativity thrown my way. I don't feel I deserve it. Like yesterday. I got harassed for the laundry? A couple of socks not straightened out? I got a couple of shirts for my new job since I won't be supplied uniforms and now I don't have room in my closet for anything? This morning I got yelled at for not having a life, because I work 12 hrs a day on 2nd shift and have to take care of the house and kids in the morning? She said, you don't want to go to your parents or something for the weekend? What, and sit there and putz around, no if that is going to happen, I guess I would rather do it in my own house.

The only thing she can focus on is the OM and how perfect her life would be, and her not being labeled as an adultress. She gets P%@@$d when I comment on her "affair". Sorry - you two are both married and are seeking strong emotional contact. I have no reason to believe it is more right now, but if I sense anything, I may out the whole thing.

She is upset that Pastor has not called her back. She thinks that she may be being shunned for what she is doing. Duh!

She is not the person I married now. She is not behaving rationally.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No1,

She is emotional not logical. You are trying to apply logic to an emotional situation. I know, I do too. Emotions are a funny thing -- they run hot and cold. I know mine do. Just keep on for you and the kids. The rest unfortunately will run its course in time one way or the other. Remember the truth will come out all on its own.

Keep strong.


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## Guest (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm sorry to say this but I would bet the farm that it is already a physical affair. I would hire a PI and let them get to the bottom of what she is doing when your not around her. I'm also very curious if she is pregnant, I can't imagine why on earth she would be looking up baby names and prenatal vitamines if she wasn't pg. Can you physically tell if she was beginning to show? How long a timespan has it been since you found out about the OM, the baby names and prenatal vitamines?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Feelingalone: Yeah, that is the issue - she has NO logical thought. She is going full speed into an oncoming train with this relationship. I have spoken to no-one that sees this as a good thing. 

Jason: As of Sunday night, no she was not pg. Period started. By the way, this whole thing (short of our problems) has only been going on since the beginning of July. 6 weeks to a perfect life. She has always been an obsessive person, looking up doctors, teachers, family members, creating a fantasy vision of what their life is like. Plus, when divorced, she will not have insurance. I am paying for the vitamins. Not sure what a PI would show, as I already know this is an affair. A few weeks ago, if things changed, I would be willing to start over with her. Now... not so sure anymore. I just want out. Knowing how she is acting and changing, I don't know if I can trust her. The big issue now is me leaving the kids, and if I am not in the house, will he be over. If I ever saw that, I'd out the whole thing to their hospice, his church, our church, school, wherever.

Now I'm getting upset. I just raised my voice with my 7yr old. I feel bad. I was trying to get the bathroom cleaned and she was in the way, just wanting to help me and spend time with me. Normally I love that, but today I guess I am just wound up. None of this is their fault, but they are going to take so much of the heat, just because they are here.


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## Guest (Aug 19, 2009)

To be honest, I would hire a PI because you will need that going into court and I can not stress enough to protect yourself in that process. It's expensive but not nearly as much as what will cost you in court without some form of proof on your side as to her actions. Trust me, you need to get yourself proof of what she is doing for the courts. I also would be inclined to let your hospices, churches, and other appropriate entities know what is going on. It seems most divorces are ugly and the **** that will be flung your way in this will probably leave you speechless. My own X has done things to me that I can't even believe she would do. Her most recent thing was a protection against abuse order, yet I have never laid a hand on her or threatened her in our entire 20 year marriage and she knows how adamently I am against abused women as my own mother was beaten to a pulp by my father when he left. Yet she threw that out at me too. 

You have to protect yourself and expect that she will take things to a whole new level beyond the verbal abuse she is now inflicting you with.

Be patient with your children and try to protect them from the ugly part of this process, it will be hard enough on them as it is.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Hey 2kids,

How's your day today? Sounds like you're still going through a tough spell, but the good news is you sound more empowered.

As for Jason's advice, I'm inclined to agree. He really seems to know what he's advising, can you believe he found his wife on here? Oh boy! 

You've both been through a lot.

Here to listen,
A


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I tell you, I don't feel empowered. I feel incredibly weak tonight. I don't know what to do. I want to stay, and be with my children. I want to have my wife back. I want to restart a relationship stronger than before and make an even better family of these crumbling parts I have in front of me. However, with each word I speak, with each step I take, it all crumbles more. I am getting more frazled from being with her. It comes out in shortness in most situations.

Last week she said to me that she never really loved me. Hearing that and looking back at 6 weeks of lies and decit, I feel like all is drained out of me. I guess I was a fool for believing. It can't go only one way. It can't be one sided.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No1,

I think you need your space, but take the kids with you. Or better yet, tell her that since she has the OM she can pack her bags and get out for a while. I really mean that. I think you need your space more than she does. Quit thinking about her needs and focus in our yours. Be selfish -- it is okay as long as you are only selfish with her and not with the kids.

But heck, you need a break from her. It would do you good. It will hurt to do it, but it will help you far more in the long run.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I agree with Feelingalone.....put her out. Let her take responsibility...and move out for a while. The kids are what's important....just don't forget that.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Sounds good, but what do I do with a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old from 12:30pm until 1:00am when I get back from work?


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

A dilema many working moms face daily. I should know....lol. You do what you have to do....hire a sitter.....nanny...get help from family. Sucks totally. Again...I know.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

:iagree: :iagree: with feelingalone and deniseK.

It's vacay time with the kids. When my hubby and I get over-worked, frustrated with each other, he'll always spring a vacay weekend when we can, drive 2 hrs away to the beach and stay the night, get in a lot of beach activities. We come back feeling great. Do it with the kids! 

I feel really upset for you 2kids, I've learned life works out in it's own way. Perhaps when this door closes, other better ones will open. This is easier said than done, but you may have tunnel vision with what you're dealing with and perhaps can't see beyond that tunnel...

:sleeping: :sleeping: ,
A


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> Sounds good, but what do I do with a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old from 12:30pm until 1:00am when I get back from work?


okay, you've weathered the worst storm of your life. i think you can figure out how to get the kids taken care of for those hours...this is life now, at least for the time being...what a take charge moment for you...now go do it man!


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Oh, I just clicked on your avatar and saw the picture bigger. Your daughters are so SCRUMPTIOUS! Also, you're not too bad yourself, sir! There's a lot of fish in the sea. You'll be OK!

Ariee!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Actually it will have to be a live in, as soon I will be spending two out of every three weeks in Ohio from January thru 2012. I got my new work schedule...

Airee - you are hired!

Something I will have to start looking into I guess...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Another bad day brewing. I guess I just can't communicate. W asked for papers for her lawyer - 3 yrs tax statements, deed to house, retirement info, 401 info, current pay info. All of which are no problem, and I told her that multiple times already. There is no sense in getting a subpoena and paying extra when the stuff is sitting here in the house. That is just stupid.

She was taking our 4yr old to church preschool and picking up kids pictures, so before she left, I told her that I'll get the stuff, but the pay in the tax info is not what I make. With the hit in the auto industry, I have lost a chunk of my pay. Yeah, I screwed up and said that I hoped she would not "screw me" and base her compensation on the tax papers from last year. Probably not a good thing to say, I realize, but she keeps saying the same to me about supporting her. I guess the old 2 wrongs/1 right applies here too, huh? So things blew up. Got into the same old her concerns, my concerns, she just wanted the info and was not going to do that. I said I wasn't going to "screw her" over on her payments either. However, she can be trusted, and I can't... 

Its just so draining getting in these things with her. I HATE working in wedges between us. I always have. Love aint easy, but it always was easier than this...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with Feelingalone. You aren't doing the wrong here. Tell her she needs to leave. Protect yourself legally. Get an attorney, file for temp. custody with visitation rights and boot her out. 

I know this isn't easy. You want your family back! She won't come back to the family as long as she is with the OM. My goodness! She is planning on another child with a man she's known for 2 months. She is planning on attending classes, at your church, with the OM. Do you want this woman taking care of your kids full time?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

AAAHHHHHGGGGGGGG! I'M GONNA LOSE IT!!

Things are getting pretty messy at work right now. I'm working in automotive and my facility in the spring was targeted to close - Stressor #1. Just before summer break, I got picked for a new job where I would be traveling away from home 2/3 of the year, plus when I was home, my drive time went up by 50% - Stressor #2. W starts relationship with OM and divorce comes up - Stressor #3. Now, over the last few days, the facility is realizing that it can't continue along as we have been going, as most of th technical talent is retireing, both hourly and salary. Originally when gievn this opportunity, they said that we won't hold you back, when needed, you will be released. Now, because the talent is getting REAL thin, it is looking more and more every day that I won't be released to my new job. If I can't at least spend some time there during the week, the job will be filled with another person. Then what, I get stuck at a closing facility, with resources draining away by the day, and when we are done, I'm let go - stressor #4. Great, after 20 years, countless personal sacrafices, extra hours, late night phone calls in emergencies, always being the go-to-guy who can somehow put the square peg in the round hole, I get the big one in the backside.

Just what I need. Not looking for a pity party, I just needed to scream. I can't do that at my desk.

AAAHHHHHGGGGGGGG! I'M GONNA LOSE IT!!

Its tiring bouncing back and forth between sorrowful and angry. Thats a pretty big swing.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Have you heard of the silent scream? It's when you open your mouth, let out the AAAAGHH & don't actually make any noise...or just let it out on the computer .

I wish I could help more...

Sorry about your job, you can't talk to your bosses about the other job and being held to this closing facility is not fair?

When I was a kid, I never understood why my childhood was so difficult. Mom always said, God was testing the one's he loved the most the hardest. Although as a grown up, I dont totally agree with that concept, I've realized one thing, that being, if your childhood sucked, what you make out of your adulthood is up to you. I think I've suceeded at that almost. At times, I let my childhood come in and it creates the feelings of tension and anger for me. But I've become pretty good at living a happy, grown up life. My point? Slowly but surely, start taking control over your own life. You control how you feel, that power is in your hands, not your boss's and not your bipolar W. 

We're not perfect, I get these urges sometimes to dwell in the difficulties I've had. I had to pay for my undergraduate training and post-graduate training and work full-time and keep my scholarships. It made me resentful sometimes and I can sit here and dwell on all the liesures that ppl in school had and I didn't b/c I had to work hard, but you know what, I made it b/c I made the most out of it.

Let go of the past, the memories, you need a bucket-list. So far, I've learned to play the piano (I'm no Beethoven), take yoga classes, go kayaking and my next task is to go para-gliding (I'm training myself not to pee my pants though) and talk the hubby into dance classes with me.

All of you on here, need a bucket list, this includes: feeling alone, IWL (Iwantlove), DeniseK. Who's first?

Stay positive. A healthy body is a healthy mind. :scratchhead:

On another note, I don't mean to be 2yrs old, but I love these smiley faces! :smthumbup::rofl::lol:

Ariee


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I just got off the phone with W and the little monkeys, well the older monkey. Younger one was in bed. I just called to say goodnight and see if all was ok. It was something I rarely did over the past few years, but something I should have been doing to show I cared. I get that. Well, the monkey liked it, as she had a tooth come out. Its under her pillow. I so love my kids...

W did not like it. Got *****ed out because of the changes I am doing are not for her, they are for the next relationship. "Why did you not do anything for me over the past years. You don't care about me. How come you never wore a tie for me in church? How come you are getting new clothes now? You got nothing to say about me wanting to see OM if you are doing this."


Uuhhh, What? Me making changes to make be a better person are the same as you wanting to see your boyfriend?

I guess at least she is seeing changes in me...


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Did you mention to her that the changes were for her.....and she smacked them away. Just wondering.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

DeniseK: Yes, as you say.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Ya, I seriously don't understand what she wants from you. It's like you're trying everything and she will shoot you down no matter what, because she is living and breathing OM hooha...

This is why I suggested alll that stuff in my previous post. Call on your self-strength.

Where is your bucket list? What does 2kids want to do with the rest of his life? Bucket list, bucket list, bucket list!!! :moon::moon::moon:FYI, the bucket list is the things you put in your "bucket" of things you've got to do in your life. 

Bucket list please???

A


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Another trip in whackytown*

Get this. I get a phone call from W saying it is important. I call back, as I was working on a machine. She says OM is real upset, crying about what happened with his stbx and them working on his divorce. My guess, she whacked him about having an affair. Anyway, W asked if I could come home so she could go see a friend and make sure he is ok... WHAT! NO, of course not. I am at work. I have things I am doing. It is wrong, hurtful and dysfunctional as well. I gotta go.

Then after a bit, she calls back and says that her mom was no help, and she should just call him. 

She is mad, but I am smiling...  Made me feel good.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Airee: 
Can you give me a minute? I am at work, ya know...


As I have been trying to put myself and kids first, I have been thinkning of things I want to do. I need to get back into my hobbies - beer and wine making, photography, My car, and step out more and look for other opportunities to share these. I am making some calls and such to do this, so yes, that is my intent. I'd like to take the kids camping, someting I did many times while a child myself. Nothing to adventurous for me, I guess... I am a pretty simple guy. Simple needs.. No jumping out of planes or such...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Is hooha a better word? Lol! J/K, you know you and Denise are my favorite internet friends!

I like your bucket list! I see you have been thinking about it! Good for you!!!

Also, I love that you put her in her place and that momma didn't bail her out! She sounds like a big whiny-pants to me! Feels good to feel good, huh? I'm proud of ya! 

What does stbx mean?

Are you smiling! I hope so! That's why I degraded myself to mooning you on the internet!

I gotta go, I have so much paperwork to work on...I hate being a professional. This is why I'm hooked to this forum. I can be a normal adult on here, not so darn serious all the time! 

Nite,
A


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

*Re: Another trip in whackytown*



no1.daddy2kids said:


> Get this. I get a phone call from W saying it is important. I call back, as I was working on a machine. She says OM is real upset, crying about what happened with his stbx and them working on his divorce. My guess, she whacked him about having an affair. Anyway, W asked if I could come home so she could go see a friend and make sure he is ok... WHAT! NO, of course not. I am at work. I have things I am doing. It is wrong, hurtful and dysfunctional as well. I gotta go.
> 
> Then after a bit, she calls back and says that her mom was no help, and she should just call him.
> 
> She is mad, but I am smiling...  Made me feel good.


make sure he's okay!?!?!?

how's this: he's NOT okay! he's diseased. he's a goddam adulterer. he's destroying two families.

okay?!?! no if i get my hands on him!

sorry. i can't hold it in when it's just me and this keyboard.

what gall. unbelievable!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Airee: No, I don't think that is better. of the two, Juice is preferred. Less of an image...

stbx = soon to be ex

Yes, the little smiley butts did make me laugh. especially because there was three of them!

To all of you, THANKS! You all validate what I feel and help me through what is happening. I was down earlier today, and now I am better. I may actually get some sleep tonight. Probably get yelled at tomorrow for this evenings events, but I still feel good about it. I hope I do the same for someone else here sometimes.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I think you need to share what you know with more than just us. You need to tell everyone what your wife is doing. If you get proof of what she is doing a judge wont give her custody or alimony, thats why a PI would be smart. After 20 years of marriage this is insane. I hope you stay strong.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

J/K ?:scratchhead: (I put that there for you)

what is J/K?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Two out of three...

I always liked their music... Its different...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> J/K ?:scratchhead: (I put that there for you)
> 
> what is J/K?


 j/k= just kidding...haha 

Hubby is taking me on a kayak trip. I hope I don't drown and there is no alligators in the waters! Will be back on Monday!
I'll try to steal some internet time in though

Vovoid- I love your post! :rofl::rofl::rofl:

2kids, way to tell your wife! And let her know screaming is not appropriate when she talks to you. Here!
:allhail::allhail::allhail:


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*dissolution of the terms of marriage*

I can't believe I just read those words. A little before heading to work, my wife gave me my divorce papers. She almost seemed happy about it, cold at the least. Its going to be a useless night at work. 

Right now I don't even know what to think.. dazed, stunned, shocked. I reallize that it was coming, and I knew that. However, when the stack of papers is right in front of you, its a different story. Lots of hurt. Lots of... I dont' know what.

I'll write more later, as I have to go stumble around work and try to be productive. Hopefully I don't get hurt.

Sucky part... I was feeling pretty good in the morning...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Hey 2kids,

So sorry. Here for ya...Will check more frequently today, even if it's from my mobile. 

Hang in there. You knew this was coming. Remember what I told you about you having the control of yourself. You hold that power. Don't give it to her anymore. Especially, if she was happy about it. I mean :WTF: is she trying to hurt you on purpose or something? That is really wrong. 

Hugs,
A


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Remember, for 5 years, I have hurt her. Looking back as I am now, it should have been obvious to me then. Even if it is not consious behavior, I imagine there is something of her that wants to get even.

Hard to not just stare at things.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

no1...this is going to be a tough day! When I read your posts, I can tell that you are a strong person. 

I can only imagine, no matter how prepared you are, getting those papers. I think I would want to puke! 

I know you've hurt each other...we all have played roles in our marriage problems. You can't live with another human without saying or doing things that you regret. It's called being Human!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No1,

I agree with Corpuswife. I'm here for you if you need. From one original Michigander to another. Yes I was actually born in Dearborn although I don't call that home, moved when 9 months and only went back for three years to work at Big Blue. Ya, know for the Fords.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

THANK YOU. You people are incredible. Gotta run, another site down. go go go...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Deafening silence*

Its so unbelivably silent here right now. W took the kids to go to her moms this weekend. She probably will leave them with her sometime and go see OM. I on the other hand have a well tank to replace in our water system. Great weekend huh? At least it is cooling down, the windows are open and since we had a rainy couple of days, the frog noise is outside. Love that sound, as it reminds me of camping and boy scouts. 

No kids running around, no TV on, no doll shoes to step on. Our oldest tends to be a free spirited individual with a soaring heart. She will break out in song most any time and always has a story to tell. The 4yr old tends to dance lots and considers herself the "pincess" of the house. I look across the living room and see them, even now. (pix in my profile)

Any other night I would be frustrated at them, trying to get them to pick up their junk in the house, get in the shower , hang up the towel, Did you brush your teeth, rinse the pink toothpaste spit down, get your reading done and get in bed! (mumble D$%^ kids), mind your self. PICK THIS UP. Comeon, NOW, is your reading done, did you write it on the worksheet? Your teacher wants to see you read this summer, you know... NO, you don't get another snack! More water? Come on, stop singing for your prayers, LIGHTS OUT! Get out from under your bed and lay down....

Now it is just silent... I turned on some music, but it is not what I want to hear. What I want is my family. 

This is going to be hard.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

It is hard No1. No doubt about it. Just have to buck up and remember all those things are special when you have the kids. Makes you look at it differently, at least for a while I imagine.

I have no words to soothe your soul. Just a prayer for and a phrase, you can do all things through Christ which strenghen you. You are in my prayers tonight.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Thanks, but really I don't expect anything. I'm just venting in between cleaning and putting things away. I got out of work early today, as I worked late a few days this week. I'm just writing to clear my head, so please bear with me...


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> Thanks, but really I don't expect anything. I'm just venting in between cleaning and putting things away. I got out of work early today, as I worked late a few days this week. I'm just writing to clear my head, so please bear with me...


Getting it out does help! Keep posting. I understand the eerie silence. We are separated and when the kids go to H's, I have to turn the radio or tv on, because the silence is too much.

Saying a prayer for you!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I knew all this would happen. I knew papers would come my way eventually. I knew things would be a mess. Somehow, its different when you see those words in front of you - dissolution, nullify, separation, termination. Then, right next to them, is the name of the woman you love... The one you pledged sacred vows to... The one you are bettering your life for... the one who wants to get rid of you.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

tough to lie in bed. i just cry and reach over to where she lays.


man i'm tired.

sorry, i gust gotta vent. relly hurts when you want it but she is runningat an on coming train. more than i thought.

denisek: what was that about rollercoaster?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Books and status*

I wanted to pass along a couple of books I am reading now. I just got them from the library, but a cursory read and looking at other reviews at other sites, they seem informative...

Always Dad

Building a parenting agreement that works

I also got a chance to look at the papers a LITTLE calmer, and noticed that the lawyer did not write things as sole custody for her. It is full joint legal with W having full physical. I need to look at this some more and know what the ramifications are for me seeing my children. I HATE THIS!!! THIS IS NOT RIGHT!!!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Ya know..after the hell ( sorry for the bad word) I just faced....I say get to a saine place and stay there. No one is worth what she is putting you through. It might get a lot worse. I understand frustration with the kids. I feel it too. Mine love me and I practically worship them.....and I feel like I am constantly nagging them....Its not them, though....it's that load you are carrying.

Get away from her...soon as possible....and it will get better. Just give her the divorce and walk away and pretend it makes you happy until it does. Hopefully she will be civil then. If not.....get ready...this is why I keep saying that divorce is HELL ....Literally.

Sorry....I hope I didn't offend anyone....No1...you know where I'm coming from, right?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Another long day of thinking and reflecting. I called to talk to the monkeys, and no-one is home. Makes me wonder...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Ugly call*

After church I called to moms to see what was up for the day. Things got heated, I used the word affair again(good, bad, I don't know). Its ugly now. I may not be home for a bit. I don't know. She hung up on me.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I'm writing at Starbucks. Not sure if I am going to go to my parents for a couple of days or to a guy from works to crash. I just needed to get out. She said that now papers are filed, she wanted to start moving things along with OM. I said, one of us are going to have to leave if that is the case. I'm not going to have that happen in my house. Told her that her explanations have been a lie since they started. She was yelling and swearing on the phone. Not pretty.

I packed up stuff for a few days (hope I have it all), threw it in the car and took off to here. I figured I'd drive a bit, drive thru a few apartments and see what is in my area closer, then figure out where I will stay.

Thursday is our meeting with pastor to discuss what to do. HHmmm... probably did not help things at all, but I am not the one who is having an affair...

The ironic thing - one of the readings at church today was Ephesians 5, discussing how a husband and wife should love each other.... hhmmm... affairs, running away from commitment, leaving the house... this is not it.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Mommy22: She doesn't think it is, as she says there is nothing sexual going on. To me, that doesn't matter. She is pursuing a close, deep emotional connection with another person while married. Uuummmm, .... thats an affair, right? Anyone with her on this... hands.... anyone...(Bueler)? I would almost rather have it be sexual, as the way things are now, it may be easier to take. 

Yeah, there were a few things hurled at me like... loser... pathetic life... bad husband.... enough 4 letter words to make a sailor blush, which angers me, as she was yelling, and I could hear the kids in the background.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

It was just me at church. She and the kids are at moms for the weekend. It was just a reading too, not the sermon. I wish it was though, as the sermons go onlne and it was the good pastor that did the talk. W checks out the sermons from when she was not home. I would have gotten a chuckle seeing her response to that one!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Wow. She is so heartless. This is so difficult to live through something like this.

I can't help but think..she wants out with her OM. She wants another baby by him. She's irrational. 

Tell me why you can't stay in the house with the girls? Do you want that? Is it the girls, being young, need their mother?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Right now the girls are with W and their grandmother. I was home for the weekend alone. Not sure when they are coming back, as things blew up on the phone (see above). On a regular day, I work 2nd shift, ~12:30pm till ~11:30-1:00 or so. Soon, I will be doing traveling, and being away week to two weeks at a time, then back for a week.

Yes, I do realize that many working families arrange things to work on schedules where parents aren't home. Obviously this makes costs higher and doesn't give kids the time with their parents they need and deserve.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

She just left a p#$%@ off message about me leaving the kids and the house and them having a doctor appt this week, and pastors meeting on Thurs. "A judge won't take too well with that" Well, she wont have help every day when separated. Not only that, but I don't think a judge will take too well with an affair either.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Proof*



Gomez said:


> I think you need to share what you know with more than just us. You need to tell everyone what your wife is doing. If you get proof of what she is doing a judge wont give her custody or alimony, thats why a PI would be smart. After 20 years of marriage this is insane. I hope you stay strong.


What proof? I have made notes as this has progressed and I do have cell phone records from the bills. I really don't want to take this to extreme, as I don't want to ruin her life, or keep the kids from her. I don't really have any proof of anything physical, and I just don't think she would do that (am I naieve?). However, I don't think discussing your future marriage and children while going through a divorce is the right way to handle things. Especially so soon into all this mess.

Yes, we have had trouble for some time. Yes, the topic of divorce has come up, but never in serious, long term discussions.

By the way, it has only been 9 years together this October, 2 yrs prior dating.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I'm here to tell you that judges don't like petty crap. They only want the serious stuff...like her little "friendship" that is something the judge will take seriously. the phone calls and stuff is just going to make him ill. No judge wants to sit through he said she said crap.

The only things that matter are abuse....infidelity....neglect ...abandonment....not much else will matter. In fact it will look childish. Heck my mediator didn't even care about the fact that Nick might be on steroids. So....that should tell you something. All they want is to shut you up and get it over with.

I suggest bringing up the infidelity. You have a big case on that and you do not have to prove it was physical. Also this doesn't mean you have to take the girls from her....judges dont' like to do that any way...unless it's really necessary. But...she does need to see that she didn't get away with her actions....there are always consequences and your daughters are going to pay the highest price here. She should feel bad and take responsiblity for her part in this.

Sorry for the tone but I am really aggrivated that some women have men willing to try hard to change and just throw that away....I wish Nick had gone this far....made a milisec of the effort some of the guys on here are making.

Women wake up.....No man is gonna be perfect....and only the good ones are willing to try.....Wait till mr. perfect turns out to be a giant toad.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I'm just sick of taking the crap. Listening to the lies. Hearing the giggles and such on the phone when I come home. I think the worst is the mental anguish of wondering... thinking... anger.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Divorce is almost alway ugly...( few exceptions) and yours sounds like it will be ugly even if you don't make it that way. You have done all you can do....now it's time to really stand up to her.

I hate to say that...but there is a time for anger and this is the time. Just don't let it destroy you.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I'll take it. Its the two girls that I dont want destroyed. They are already seeing the bad side from what W has done whenever this comes up. I try EXTREMELY hard to keep calm, but all W does is yell. She is not getting what she wants. It is not fitting her plan. Things are going outside her control and she does not like it.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Of course not. It isn't as pretty as Hank has painted it to be. And she dreamed this up in her fantasy world and nothing...I mean nothing is ever that perfect.

You aren't hurting your girls. what goes on in court does not have to affect them. You don't have to take the girls from her to make her answer for her wrongs.

On the other hand....you could just let it go....give her all she wants and then look back one day and say you took the high road. It is what you want...so do it. There is nothing wrong with that.

You aren't hurting those kids...she is. So...dont' worry about it. All you can do is be a good daddy and if you can work this out without it getting ugly....by all means....do it.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

In many states infidelity means ZIP. I don't know about Michigan. Judges only care about the PROPERTY and the KID settlement. 

They care if the parent has been arrested, is a druggie or an alcoholic, or if she/he beats the kids or is a bad parent to the child, mistreats or neglects to the point of someone calling CPS.

Judges could care less about infidelity in no-fault states, at least that is what I have been informed.

A woman can have the kids and shack up with three guys before the court date and a judge will ignore such, same with a guy.

The BEST thing is to NEGOTIATE a settlement about the kids OUT OF COURT. DO NOT let a judge decide what your custody and visitation will be...it is like a box of chocolates if you let a judge decide. And MANY MANY judges are morons.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

MI is a no fault state, so I don't think it will really matter. However, I know from talking to others, that there has been no visitation after xx oclock rules instated, as well as its ok if its a stable person - ie not a new man every night rules. The lawyers all said though to cool it unitl after the divorce is done, but she wants to pursue this now. My point is that we are not living as the 4 of us in the same house if this is happening. Its time for the rude awakenings to start. Tonight is one of those.

We talked (uh, she yelled, actually) on the phone and I said I was staying with a guy i work with tonight. He is a modern gospel singer/songwriter and is an all around real great guy to talk to. Informally does some counseling at his church too. He and I have talked about this before, so he knows whats up. I said I would be home Monday, after work. On tuesday, after the kids checkups, we will go to the credit union and get her a bank acct setup. tonight she can apply for her main credit card. Stunned silence on the phone...

Then the finances will be separated. Maybe Wed, we can establish what her initial deposit amounts will be. I will remove her name from the main accounts and then we can start to look for an apartment depending on what the lawyers say to do. I am not going to be living as the 4 of us in a house with her having an affair. she got mad at that word again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> MI is a no fault state, so I don't think it will really matter. However, I know from talking to others, that there has been no visitation after xx oclock rules instated, as well as its ok if its a stable person - ie not a new man every night rules. The lawyers all said though to cool it unitl after the divorce is done, but she wants to pursue this now. My point is that we are not living as the 4 of us in the same house if this is happening. Its time for the rude awakenings to start. Tonight is one of those.
> 
> We talked (uh, she yelled, actually) on the phone and I said I was staying with a guy i work with tonight. He is a modern gospel singer/songwriter and is an all around real great guy to talk to. Informally does some counseling at his church too. He and I have talked about this before, so he knows whats up. I said I would be home Monday, after work. On tuesday, after the kids checkups, we will go to the credit union and get her a bank acct setup. tonight she can apply for her main credit card. Stunned silence on the phone...
> 
> Then the finances will be separated. Maybe Wed, we can establish what her initial deposit amounts will be. I will remove her name from the main accounts and then we can start to look for an apartment depending on what the lawyers say to do. I am not going to be living as the 4 of us in a house with her having an affair. she got mad at that word again.



No1,

It's good that you are taking care of business. Show her who is in control (even though you don't feel it always)! This is part of her "waking up" process. This is how divorce goes honey. 
She needs a huge wake up call.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

**slap**


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Another big Thank You to you all*

I got some sleep last night. Not much, as we talked until about 1:00a. Some good insight. Some slapping around for my own stupidity over the years. Some caring words. 

It hurts to be away. More than I thought and it is only one day. I can't comprehend how some people can just leave and not care. Yes, we have had trouble, but we have been together for OVER 10 YEARS! We are not strangers! We have shared many good times as well as two wonderful daughters. 

It scares me to think this is how each day is going to be - either when at home or traveling. Away from those that I love and care deeply for. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be vengeful. I don't want to hurt them. I am their husband and father. I am supposed to protect them from those things, not be the bringer of those things. I signed up for life, not for a 9 year stint. This was a full time job, not part time.

You people are all great. Thanks for the support.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*Reflections...*

Its Tuesday afternoon, and W and I are not really speaking, other than casual comments on daily things. We had to take the daughters for their wellness checkups. I like to go too, as there re thing that W misses at things like this. When the dr asked questions, I almost felt like I was in competition with W as to who was going to answer the questions. After a while, I just left her to answer and I commented as needed. Just awkward. 

I sorta p$#%$ her off today as there was not much in the fridge. I grilled some fish with dill and lemon. She does not do the cooking. She gets mad lately when I make something nice, as she never has taken the time to learn. I'd be more than happy to show her, but she wants instructions, and I just go by feel and what I have on hand. Oh, well. I guess sometime she will have to learn to cook.

Ugly job news, as it looks like my new project is getting pushed back, thus I stay at a closing plant. I hope someting breaks loose before I am out of a job. Like I need more worries.

Best part of coming home - two GREAT BIG HUGS and kisses from my monkeys. They sat on my lap while waiting for the doctor in the room. Its a good thing I have strong legs from years of bicycling, as they are getting BIG!

Found out from the kids that OM and W and mom got together this weekend to go to the zoo on Saturday. Then they went to moms city for dinner and a walk around town. Not that I necessarily care as I just want this over so the lies can stop. It is just frustrating and causes more anger. Frustrating that he is there. Frustrating that all this happened. Frustrating that someone is stepping in on my grounds. Maybe if I didn't still care, it wouldn't matter.

I'm sitting at work listening to music, doing an online class, and drinking a cup of tea. If anyone is familiar with it, a song just came on that was played at the wedding... Jill, by Harry Connick Jr... A beautiful love song, a poem almost. Why do I do this to myself...

Sorry, not really saying much, not really needing much, just babbling about what is on my mind as my world just spins and spins...

Thanks for bearing with me


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Brilliant post, D :yay:
Agreed.



DeniseK said:


> I'm here to tell you that judges don't like petty crap. They only want the serious stuff...like her little "friendship" that is something the judge will take seriously. the phone calls and stuff is just going to make him ill. No judge wants to sit through he said she said crap.
> 
> The only things that matter are abuse....infidelity....neglect ...abandonment....not much else will matter. In fact it will look childish. Heck my mediator didn't even care about the fact that Nick might be on steroids. So....that should tell you something. All they want is to shut you up and get it over with.
> 
> ...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Hi 2kids,

How're you? 

You know what came to me when I read your posts, especially about wife not cooking. She is dependent. She is replacing the OM with you, b/c she is too weak to go through this divorce by herself or justify it. This is an immature type of personality disorder. She sounds like she's regressing into her teenage years, where she is giggling on the phone with her new boy-friend. I believe dependent personality d/o is the most immature type vs. humor which is the most mature, which seems to be you. Therefore you have an immature and mature person together, this says a lot. 

Have you ever accompanied the wife to her counselling sessions? There is behavioral modification and medication for these d/o's. 

Also, why are you always saying: "I really pi$$ed her off today." Dang it, good, what's she going to do, throw a tempter tantrum. Let her...

Lastly, I DO NOT recc Kayaking to anyone out there, blisters on both thumb bases. Ppl expected hubby and I to be at it by the end of the session, they thought it was some sort of marriage counselling. We were both laughing so hard, b/c we were paddling and hitting each other as we tried to race our way out of the water and out of that place...

Apologies to be away so long, work=hectic...

Good news, I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Here: :fro::bunny::fish::butterfly::flowerkitty:


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

> Also, why are you always saying: "I really pi$$ed her off today." Dang it, good, what's she going to do, throw a tempter tantrum. Let her...


Just observations from what I see i her expressions and behavior. I did not do anything different than I normally do, as I take care of the house in the morning. Her reactions are different. She is realizing that this will be gone soon, at least that is what I see. In a phone conversation she confessed that she is scared as she is not going to be one of the happy family group in church any more, since she is now in divorceland. 

Airee: Did my PM explain things? You would have a field day with me...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

> This is an immature type of personality disorder. She sounds like she's regressing into her teenage years, where she is giggling on the phone with her new boy-friend. I believe dependent personality d/o is the most immature type vs. humor which is the most mature, which seems to be you. Therefore you have an immature and mature person together, this says a lot.


[Head spinning round]... Huh? Says a lot... says what?


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> Just observations from what I see i her expressions and behavior. I did not do anything different than I normally do, as I take care of the house in the morning. Her reactions are different. She is realizing that this will be gone soon, at least that is what I see. In a phone conversation she confessed that she is scared as she is not going to be one of the happy family group in church any more, since she is now in divorceland.
> 
> Airee: Did my PM explain things? You would have a field day with me...


That was a rhetorical question, silly billy! You need to realize how you put her emotions on a pedestal...

Ya, I told you, she is dependent. Now you need to seriously follow my advice in my PM to you and above. She needs to see a psychiatrist & you need to go with her to at least one session...

What PM, I didn't get a PM, I got the how was your trip one? What did you do 2kids??? Field day, oh boy!


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> [Head spinning round]... Huh? Says a lot... says what?


Dependent is immature; Humor is mature

Dependent is as to your wife as humor is to you. 

Therefore an immature PD (similar to a child) needs a mature personality to survive. If times get tough and the mature personality is not "playing" with the immature PD, you go and find another immature PD to "play" with, so that the immature can feel OK with themselves.

It explains how she is coping with her mid-life manic crisis.

I dont' really consider humor a personality disorder, it's a trait, we all have it. Your wife exhibits psychiatric problems. I can't say for sure, but they do warrrant a physician/psychiatrist visit. 

Just by reading, she sounds manic, depressed, immature/dependent personality disorder. If this is the case there is therapy for this...

Is your wife super-clingy? Can't make decisions? Does she go on erratic shopping sprees? Does she wear excessive make-up? Does she talk quite fast? Does she have mood swings? Is it an all-nothing with her?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

> Just by reading, she sounds manic, depressed, immature/dependent personality disorder. If this is the case there is therapy for this...
> 
> Is your wife super-clingy? Can't make decisions? Does she go on erratic shopping sprees? Does she wear excessive make-up? Does she talk quite fast? Does she have mood swings? Is it an all-nothing with her?


Geez, have you met her? she has ALWAYS been depressed. yes, on the decisions. eehhh on the shopping, although she likes ebay. Yes, on the makeup, althogh I am not a makeup person. eehhh on the talking. Mood swings - DEFINATELY! all or nothing - DEFINATELY!

I sent a PM with my history and my discovery, unless I screwed up the PM. Answer to the I don't know what you did...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Yes, I did get that PM, I read it twice actually on my cellphone...I didn't have a chance to reply, but I still think you're making excuses for her. So what if you were too late to come around. I've read all your posts by the way, I just haven't memorized all the facts as I'm not an internet stalker . I mean if my hubby came around, that means he came around. Not, oh you're too late, so I'm going to throw away my ten years of marriage to be with this OM.

She needs a good psychiatrist. Answer to the questions aren't clear cut. I can't say by just reading off the internet. Diagnoses aren't made this way. Based on what I'm hearing, this mandates a health & wellness exam by a psychiatrist. Now this doesn't mean it's going to save your marriage, perhaps it would give you a better understanding of what's going on and that YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. There are 5 stages to loss/grief, described by Kubler, Ross: denial, anger, bargainning, acceptance, depression...not in this specific order, ppl go through it at different orders. You are A CLASSIC BARGAINNER. Do not bargain with yourself. You ARE NOT AT FAULT. 

I know what you're going to say to me next. "But this has been going on for 5 years. See my previous posts." I know, snap out of it. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

AGAIN, my friend. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF, NOT HER. DO NOT NOT NOT LET HER TAKE OVER YOUR MIND. Quite frankly this is your biggest mistake as I'm not sure your wife has a stable mind...what kind of a person let's someone without a stable mind, dictate theirs? Someone going through loss/grief, you are bargainning, time to move on to ACCEPTANCE...

Really got to get some sleep now...PONDER, THINK, DON'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR ME CUZ I'M GETTING CRANKY WITHOUT MY SLEEP. We'll talk about it 2morrow.

Hugs my internet friend,
A


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Airee: I understand. Posts on the internet are no substitute for a dr visit. Thank you so much for your thoughts and insight. I'll see what I can do. I mean, she is the mother of our children, but she is single focused on ending this and nothing else seems to matter. Nothing else gets in the way anymore. Because of the aggressiveness directed towards me, I really think all I can do is stand aside. Not sure what I would do if she wanted to come back either. I mean, yes, I care about her, but too much hurts right now, and it is an angry kind of hurt. I don't like that.

Oh, and just to clarify.. This is not my fault, right? :rofl: (smiley for you)


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Hi 2kids!

Yes, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT!!! :rofl: (loved it!)

"I mean, yes, I care about her, but too much hurts right now, and it is an angry kind of hurt. I don't like that."

It's OK that you don't like it, because you still want to bargain and not accept it, that's probably why you don't like it. But you are entitled to feel that way and you should bask in it's comfort. 

If you can, do your best to take her. If it's impossible you've done your best, and you should be comforted by that!

So, what's crackalacking (I'm preparing you for your kids, means going on) at work today?

:rules: (haha, this smiley looks PISSED!)

Gotta run,
A


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

> So, what's crackalacking (I'm preparing you for your kids, means going on) at work today?


You are so much more into it than I. Just mess after mess. need to do some redesign for 15 yo equipment as we don't even have parts to keep it running... ugh... gotta run..


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Well...I have to say Airee...I have missed you. Glad you are back....the smilies are hilarious....how do you do it? lol.

I can't say I disagree with you....definately won't put kyaking on my bucket list....LOL

I think you should tick her off more often...no1. I mean....I think Airee's right...let her have her temportantrum. It's not like she can threaten you with divorce...ahh she already has.....right?


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Hiya D ! :corkysm60:

How are ya??? Well I'm good. 2kids, we're highjacking 
:2gunsfiring_v1: your thread !

Ya, def do NOT add, kayaking to the bucket list! No, thank you! Those kayaks need motors on them!

Yep, I will def internet divorce 2kids, but not ya, you're a keeper ! Haha, j/k! But, I really think I'm right on this one, 2kids W seems to have serious psychiatric problems, from what it sounds like, although I definitiely can't be sure...

You and 2kids seem to have the same story going on. I sure hope you 2 can get through these times with each others friendship. I kinda feel like I can't really speak from experience, all I can provide to you 2 is funnies linked with some insight & smiley faces...

You're both in my thoughts!
A :circle::circle::circle:


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

hijack away [SIGH]... I guess I can't control the women in my life....



> Yep, I will def internet divorce 2kids


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Love the funnies....and smilie faces.... 

NO1 doesn't mind if we hijack his thread...right? lol

Yep....If i make it out with my sanity...I'll be happy. But one thing good has come out of this...some of the people I have met on here.....you guys are great. I have definately made some buddies.

I like that nick name you have for him...2kids....lol. Sounds like a Cherokee name..... (I have an indian grandmother....Cherokee)

...lol. So funny.

keep it up.


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## IWantLove (Jun 20, 2009)

Airee said:


> Yes, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT!!! :rofl: (loved it!)
> 
> "I mean, yes, I care about her, but too much hurts right now, and it is an angry kind of hurt. I don't like that."
> 
> It's OK that you don't like it, because you still want to bargain and not accept it, that's probably why you don't like it. But you are entitled to feel that way and you should bask in it's comfort.


Airee, you hit the nail on the head! So, I know I don't post that often, but I do try to keep up with these posts (although I've been busy the past week). As I've been thinking about your situation, 2kids, this is exactly what I've concluded. You know that you're terribly sorry for your behavior earlier in the marriage, and I'd bet your wife does too, though she won't cut you any slack. And it sounds like you've made some great efforts at showing how you want to improve yourself as a husband. 

But there is NO excuse for your wife's affair--emotional, physical, whatever. You can't justify that and her other manic behaviors by saying, "Well, I suppose I wasn't a very good husband, so I had this coming." You need to cut YOURSELF some slack here, and since your wife seems to be interested only in the OM, you need to focus on what's healthiest for your kids and yourself, like I said earlier. Stop looking backwards and begin looking to the future. I know that what you see in the future completely sucks--at least in the short term--and unfortunately, there's no two ways about it. But nothing is going to get any better if you continue to beat yourself up. 

Two of the best things my dear friends have said to me while my marriage is failing: 1) Is there anything I can do? 2) Be kind to yourself. Take my friends' advice! Things WILL get better. Hang in there.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Hi y'all-

Thanks for agreeing with me IWL. 

You know it is very interesting and I am quite surprised at myself, that I have developed friends over the internet . I am the kinda gal that watches 20/20 and tries very hard to keep anonymous on the internet. But, I do have a very special place in my heart for y'all. You 2 (2kids, D, IWL and everyone else) are going through such a hard time. I am learning from you all as well. In the meanwhile, I hope to put a smile on your faces. 

Here is what I've learned, surround yourself with the kind of ppl that will put smiles on your faces. Y'all CLARIFIED that for me. Also, I came on here to complain about my husband. I took my post down after I read some of the REAL problems you guys have. I kinda felt embarassed and thought that I was complaining in hindsight. I'm learning so much through y'all and learning how to make my relationship successful, for that I can't thank y'all enough. For example, 2kids posts and D's posts really grabbed my attn, b/c you 2 both describe the things you could have done differently and the aftermath of divorce. So THANK YOU! I'm glad my smilies make y'all smile. 

I'm working on one heck of a report tonight. I hate it for the life of me. Reports are a bunch of beauracratic :bsflag::bsflag::bsflag:

Hey, y'all want to see what 2kids W looks like??? Here she is:
:crazy::bounce::woohoo:

:rofl:,
A


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Omg....just when I thought I couldn't laugh harder.....Sorry....no1...oh wait....2kids. But you have to admit...that is hilarious. Airee....honestly you missed your calling...i am laughing my butt off.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

You know... Lately I must agree... And yes, that was funny. I tend to think the third one is the closest WHOOO

Today she started to go through the house and make a list of stuff and wants to start assigning names to items... Plus she got a new plate set for her in her apartment or wherever...

HELLO... I think we have time... unless she is planning on moving out (hey y'all party at my place!) the lawyers said it would be a year to year and a half to get this through the courts around here.

Puhhleeeze!!

OK, OK , OK all of you... You are right... Its time for me to pull out of my pity. I don't like it myself. Its so easy to do in the environment I am in, which I guess is a good reason for one of us to go. For everyones survival... 

As you say DeniseK, all of you here are great! I could not imagine getting this far without you all.

Airee: I thought you had a report to write...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Fine, I'm going to go finish it. I'm almost done actually and will need to proof it...


lympic1:,
A


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

*The next step*

Tomorrow I will be going to meet with our Pastor together with W. Not sure of the outcome of this meeting, as when Pastor and I met last, the direction between him and I was one of reconsiliation and trying again. However, that was a month ago. A lot has happened since then. If you have read this thread, LOTS has been heaped on me. I have tried to heap some back on W, as we are both at fault in this over the years. This is not something that just came since OM was introduced. He merely became the tirgger for our divorce. However, over the past few weeks, I guess I have come to realize that I cannot change this now, especially on my own. Years of resentment and anger and pain have been accumulated on both of us. Even though I have gone through a renewal of sorts on my part, we may have ended up here anyway. I do feel like I am a changed person from the things I have read, listened to, and learned here. Changed for the better. Many questions I always had concerning why W acted the way she did have become clear now. I wish I had known this 10 years ago. I may have been able to avoid this for my family. However, those feelings are now reserved for what my future holds. Whatever the outcome of this meeting, and this impending divorce, I feel better about myself.

I feel that my best days are ahead of me, even though I know I won't comprehend the pain that will be coming my way over the coming months. I will get through this. I am sure to post a new thread on the confusing and crazy things that happen to me while moving forward with a divorce. This one has run its course and has started to show its age (A great THANK YOU to DeniseK and Airee for ending this chapter on a high note - big love to you both for who you are and the help you have provided me). Thanks to all of you for helping me deal with this situation. You have lifted me up when I had fallen. You have given me direction when I needed it. You have shown compassion and love when I had none. I could not have done it without you. I am moving forward in a new direction and taking my first step to a new life. Its scary, but I have friends...


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

*Re: The next step*

I AM SO ECSTATIC AND PROUD OF YOU!!! 

:yay::yay::yay::yay::circle::circle::circle:
:yay::yay::yay::yay::circle::circle::circle:
:yay::yay::yay::yay::circle::circle::circle:
:yay::yay::yay::yay::circle::circle::circle:
:yay::yay::yay::yay::circle::circle::circle:
:yay::yay::yay::yay::circle::circle::circle:
:yay::yay::yay::yay::circle::circle::circle:

Darn'd smiley faces were misbehaving, have to show em who the boss is!

Good job D, you were around way before I, she gets 85% of the credit and I get 15%. Yes, I work for the IRS, I'm making sure the credit goes where it is deserved!

K, can't wait for a new thread from 2kids!

A







no1.daddy2kids said:


> Tomorrow I will be going to meet with our Pastor together with W. Not sure of the outcome of this meeting, as when Pastor and I met last, the direction between him and I was one of reconsiliation and trying again. However, that was a month ago. A lot has happened since then. If you have read this thread, LOTS has been heaped on me. I have tried to heap some back on W, as we are both at fault in this over the years. This is not something that just came since OM was introduced. He merely became the tirgger for our divorce. However, over the past few weeks, I guess I have come to realize that I cannot change this now, especially on my own. Years of resentment and anger and pain have been accumulated on both of us. Even though I have gone through a renewal of sorts on my part, we may have ended up here anyway. I do feel like I am a changed person from the things I have read, listened to, and learned here. Changed for the better. Many questions I always had concerning why W acted the way she did have become clear now. I wish I had known this 10 years ago. I may have been able to avoid this for my family. However, those feelings are now reserved for what my future holds. Whatever the outcome of this meeting, and this impending divorce, I feel better about myself.
> 
> I feel that my best days are ahead of me, even though I know I won't comprehend the pain that will be coming my way over the coming months. I will get through this. I am sure to post a new thread on the confusing and crazy things that happen to me while moving forward with a divorce. This one has run its course and has started to show its age (A great THANK YOU to DeniseK and Airee for ending this chapter on a high note - big love to you both for who you are and the help you have provided me). Thanks to all of you for helping me deal with this situation. You have lifted me up when I had fallen. You have given me direction when I needed it. You have shown compassion and love when I had none. I could not have done it without you. I am moving forward in a new direction and taking my first step to a new life. Its scary, but I have friends...


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yes. you do have friends.  Keep it up...you will be fine...just get on here and post away when you need to vent. It helps to get that encouragment. And we are always here to give it. See you on the next thread.....LOL


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