# What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I was wondering, signs of lying....cheaters are very good at it! And it is almost impossible to pinpoint them. But everyone has them, and all signs are different. And indeed, in my research, just because a 'sign' is there, it doesn't mean a definite lie. So what were the signs of your wayward?

(Edit: When I mean signs of lying, I mean the physical signs as they lie to you face. Not the signs of cheating.)

I don't usually like these kind of posts, but I haven't seen one that asks this before. And I am interested in if there is a general lying signs script of cheaters, along with their word script.

Mine initially was when we got to a certain point he would get angry and defensive and walk out. I knew after a while of getting this that he was protecting his lies. I only learnt this once I came here.

Often, when I bring a certain bit up his hands start shaking. I believe his nervousness is due to his lying.

His 'I don't know's, frequent. And then his changed stories. And then after a while of I don't know and I can't remember, suddenly he can! Suddenly he remembers again. 

Though some of these are circumstances that he dropped himself into, what I am interested in is the SIGNS of lying, at the time that they are doing it. I wish I was better at detecting them, though I think deep down I know. They are so subtle. But I am pretty sure of quite a few things. And that he is lying. Shame there isn't a red beacon above their head that goes off each time they lie! It would be so much easier.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

For me it was the anger she directed at me. Seems obvious in retrospect.

She would be on Facebook and I would come upstairs and ask her to come snuggle with me. Then she would blow up and yell at me saying, "you spend all that time on your game, and as soon as you are done I'm supposed to drop what I'm doing? Not going to happen!"

What she said wasn't unreasonable. But the anger in the way she said it was key. If she wasn't feeling guilty about it, she wouldn't have been so pissed off.

Turns out she was having cybersex with multiple OM over FB chat. She lied to me about until I presented her with a word for word transcript of one of her sessions.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He opened his mouth.

I'm not trying to be too flippant here, but the last year of our marriage there was precious little that came out of his mouth that wasn't a lie. His family, his attempts to work, his art, his cellphone, how he felt about me, the children, my cooking. Everything.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Anger and defensiveness, big red flags almost always. My WS's affair was with a co-worker and when it was active, he all of a sudden had to work until 5pm without question (that's when she was off work; his normal schedule isn't as late). When I called him out on his all of a sudden inflexible schedule he again got angry and defensive.

My WS was pretty transparent it seems. He didn't realize how much his behavior changed during that time but it was more than obvious to me he was lying about something. 

He once tried lying to me about something he did after work. He came home on a Friday much later than he normally would. I asked him where he had been (I was already onto his suspicious behavior at this point, it was shortly before dDay) and he told me he had been at the store looking at different tackle and such for fishing. He came home with absolutely nothing which was quite unlike him....he's a spender and cannot go into a store, any store, without buying something, even if it's just a bottle of water.

As it turns out, the other BS compared notes after dDay and that day the two WS's had been trying to get time alone together but the other BS came home early and tracked his WS down to go out to dinner. Blew the WS's plans out of the water. That day was the day the other BS became suspicious as well.

All the signs of lying were there and my WS isn't a very good liar, as it turns out.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> He opened his mouth.
> 
> I'm not trying to be too flippant here, but the last year of our marriage there was precious little that came out of his mouth that wasn't a lie. His family, his attempts to work, his art, his cellphone, how he felt about me, the children, my cooking. Everything.


Exactly the same for my STBXW. Even when she smiled, or when we made love, it was all a charade. We took a 3 week vacation in July/Aug last year. Great time, kids were with us but we had alone time too. Golfed, walked hand in hand along the beach and talked about "our" future. Laughed together. I actually was stupid enough to think we were re-connecting. Within two weeks of returning she was being introduced to other men by her toxic friends. One month later we were separated, just shy of our 25th Anniversary.

So when she opens her mouth, I know she's lying. That's a sure sign.

She's started lying directly to our daughters now, too. And she blames me when they get angry at her!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would say his schedule was different than it had been in years, leaving for work earlier, coming home a lot later, missing the dinner all together, he was just so busy at work, always had to be there.
He also would pick fights out of the blue and be out of the house in a storm, to go see her, it does made sense now.
His gaslighting If I ask about his long hours at work he would turn things on me about being sucspious or ungrateful for him providing a good life for our family.
He basically lied to me everyday for months, he never looked at me when I started to ask if something was going on and with a certain someone said it was just my imagination, your gut knows.....it was right.....


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

My stbxw would being leaving earlier and earlier for work, staying later and later. She began hanging out with new friends, lost interest in our friends, dressed different, got new birth control, guarded the phone with her life. It was all pretty standard stuff, I was just blind to it. When accused she would get defensive, gas light like crazy, and trickle truth me to death. One thing that I learned in my situation, which I'm sure other BS can relate too as well, is that the cheater doesn't realize that you (the loyal one) knows how to read them. They conveniently forget that while they forgot/don't care about loving you, you were loyal, trusting, and loving and know them better than anyone. Its insulting.

Its like finding a "tell" in poker. I could read my wife's eyes like a book, I always knew there was something wrong but I couldn't prove it for the longest time. She would also always play with her fingernails and press them against another as a nervous habit. Subtle cues told the whole story, I was just too far in denial to realize it.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Tired to convince me I was crazy and it was just a close friendship. guarding her cell phone, going in early and staying late at work
She screamed it with her body language, I was just to blind to see it.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I would ask who he was texting and he would say his friend Ed. 

Had to pick up his check on his day off so we would have money when we went out to do our running around, but it was to see her while I was at work.

Would call work and he was never there and then would call cell phone and it wouldn't be on.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

It was all about his behavior. I knew for a long time I just could not get any evidence. He was attached to his Iphone, suddenly the amount of text messages received was less, sex life changed, attention to me and my son was not there, no calls during the day, no texts and no emails. It was too obvious; I have to say Dday for me was more of a relief than a painful situation.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> It was all about his behavior. I knew for a long time I just could not get any evidence. He was attached to his Iphone, suddenly the amount of text messages received was less, sex life changed, attention to me and my son was not there, no calls during the day, no texts and no emails. It was too obvious; I have to say Dday for me was more of a relief than a painful situation.


^^ this. Extremely secretive with his cell phone. More meticulous than usual about his appearance. And kept telling me my paranoia that he was up to something was from post-partum 'crazies', as he so lovingly called it, and stated that was why he wasn't spending time at home, I was driving him away.

Finding out my hunch was right was an absolute relief....NO, I WASN'T CRAZY!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Tired to convince me I was crazy and it was just a close friendship. guarding her cell phone, going in early and staying late at work
> She screamed it with her body language, I was just to blind to see it.


What was her body language? 

That was what I was wanting from this thread. Not so much the signs of cheating, but the physical signs of lying.

I think another thing my man does is that when he is lying he insists more but explains less. And he would bring things into the issue that I never had, or turn one thing into something else. I guess that is his guilty conscience screaming at him and making his brain foggy. Therefore, the only thing on his mind is that, that he is trying to avoid. And so it comes out sideways.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She would not get into subjects on affairs.
In hindsight, all these were straight on my face, I did not pick up those lies. So trusting was I.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

*My ex's signs were:*


Anger and defensiveness as others have said


Treating me like absolute garbage (tone of voice, calling me names, acting impatient at everything I did...) to being sickeningly sweet the next (fetching me drinks, telling jokes, buying presents, checking if I needed him to get me anything on the way home.)

I've read a bit about lying in the aftermath of this. Contrary to what others believe (and we often read in magazines) looking away when speaking IS NOT a sign of lying. Looking you dead in the eyes without looking away is. He did that too.
There is also something called the "duper's grin" when people smile when they tell a lie - they often try to mask it/don't know they're doing it. He did that too.

Starting fights out of nothing and then leaving the house - he never just took off even at our worst fights. Now he was starting fights over non-issues (I asked him to repeat himself about what time he had to start work and he flipped out) and getting in the car and driving off. - This was probably a cover to go see an AP.

*Other obvious signs (obvious now, not obvious then) were:*


New obsession with working out - he'd always been active enough but put more emphasis into working out. At the time, I assumed he was trying to manage his diabetes better.

New clothes, new cologne, new shoes. He'd been dressing pretty scrubby for years before that.

Cleaning the car - he's a slob and had been for years, now it was always wiped down and vacuumed.

Going outside in the dark to sit at the fire pit or dock (it was pitch black outside) with no fire lit and taking cell with him at night

Never making progress on his real estate course even though I gave him ample time to study.

 Saying things like, _"How do I know you're not upstairs talking to men on your computer?"_ He could have just said, _"Just so you know, I'm downstairs talking to women on my computer."_ For it was that out of character for me to even assume that of me and to people that've been cheated on and realized it -- blatantly obvious that he was projecting.


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

A couple weeks after my d-day Dr Phil had a show about liars it mentioned ways to spot a liar & sure enough stbxh did some of them the day I confronted him.

It was mentioned that the liar will try to put a physical wall up. Stbxh left the room & sat at our dinning room table so the table was between him & I after I started my confrontation.

Another thing was touching their face ecspecially their mouth when they lie. Stbxh sat with his hands cupped to his mouth & chin while he denied his A.

They also said liars will say no but then nod their head yes...the nod is the truth not the words. I've never experienced this first hand.

Like it was mentioned before we were loyal & observant. Others may have known them their whole lives (their parents & siblings) but nobody knows them like their spouse.

I know my stbxh's eyes, I was trusting so I wasn't looking but the moment he started a fight over nothing & I looked into his eyes I could see something was not right. I finally listened to my gut instead of listening to him telling me I was crazy.

For me his verbal cues are if I speak the truth he will respond "are you crazy?" or "what are you talking about?" this gives him a second to think of his next lie.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Shockingly, very few lies.... Omissions galore. My wife is extremely skilled. She tells the truth, just half-truths... enough that could be verified. Where she would lie. She would ‘go to the grocery store’ come home with groceries; but be gone a couple hours. She’d lie about how busy the store was, about getting gas on the way, about waiting in line, then forgetting something and going back for it. Etc. 

The pattern was in the time accountability; It always took longer. There was always a reason it took so long, and seldom did it not take ‘a normal amount of time’. Sort of like she had to be the unluckiest person in the world because nothing went smoothly and she couldn’t ever get home in the reasonable amount of time. So many stories and alibi’s... that’s where to look. Start looking hard at receipts (times), charges (where, like the grocery store that isn’t convenient to your house), car mileage and the phone logs (time stamped). Get a VAR and gps and track. Things won’t add up to her story. Part of it was true, a lot was left off that might paint a completely different picture..


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

*His lips were moving. *I'm serious. Knowing what I know now I don't think he's told the truth for the past 2 years or so.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I feel for you BS that were lied to. I never got that. I got honest directness. "I am going to have an affair."

And at that moment, I wished I was dead. You know, maybe honesty is not all it's cracked up to be?

It's like a sharp knife. It can cut your bread or it can cut you.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Going to work earlier and coming home later. Working opposite schedules makes whoring around very convenient for the WS. It was only shortly before dday I thought about bugging her purse. Then she just up and left. Not until I asked her straight out, 4 days after she left, did she admit to posom. :cussing:


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Racer said:


> Shockingly, very few lies.... Omissions galore. My wife is extremely skilled. She tells the truth, just half-truths... enough that could be verified.


My stbxw was a master at this too. Eg: She told me all of her girlfriends were "married with kids". She told me this to justify going out with them and made me feel like I was the odd husband for not allowing it. It turns out that all of her friends... ALL were separated or divorced (yes, with kids - but shared custody). When I called her on this my stbxw said "I said married.... I didn't say HAPPILY married".

A half truth is really a full lie.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lies. Oooh....yea.

I dunno. Trust your gut. I should have. Turns out our whole marriage is a lie, but not because of cheating, but because he was too much of a coward to NOT marry me. Yea.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It got bad when we were going to bed at night, me waking up in the middle of the night to find her gone, only to wake up the next morning fast asleep next to me.

Poor SOB OM, she never showerd/douched before her midnight rondivou.

At this point in the " marraige" I knew to get mine first!

Poor WW took her punishmnet like a wh0re with my morning wood.

Thank God those days are over, now I get woken up in the middle of the night...she still gets her punishment in the AM.


Granted I am wired different then most, but those lies, deciet, and betrayal eat at me more then the act its self.

I would have never shared her, but the conviencing lies she told me (GNO's,work late,work early) are just so damb scary.

At least when I grabbed her she knew what was coming, she was truely a sl^t not only in my bed but in others.

Why did she have to lie about it? Why did I have to turn her out like I did?

Becareful what you wish for!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I started to get the feeling that my fiancé was being negligent in our relationship which made me wonder if his mind was somewhere else.

1. At Christmas, he said he wanted to travel with me but then as the new year came in and turned to spring, he turned all plans to travel.
2. I told him that we should exchange gifts after Christmas. the first time we saw each other after X-mas, he had completely forgotten.
3. When my b-day came around at the end of spring, he didn't get me a gift.
4. He told that he was planning 5 months into the future a trip with a friend, but was careful not to give the gender of his travel partner. His travel partner was a male friend, but I did find an e-mail exchange between him and his EA in which he gave her all the details of his trip -- 4 months in advance of the trip -- but stopped short of actually asking her to join him.
5. Even though he knew I was not working due to getting cancer treatments, he still hassled me to pay for stuff. the usual "I forgot to go to the cash machine, could you get this this time"..... this from someone who makes 6 figures and has 0 dependants. I later found credit card statements and receipts that showed a more generous person when he was out with "his just a friend."
6. He forgot his cellphone on 2 occasions.
7. Every time he went to a concert without me, mentioned it on FB wall, she would do a "Like." I think there is a one to one relationship between those likes and their going to the concert together. 
One time he mentioned three concerts in one entry; one in which I went with him. She still did a "like" on that entry.
7. He tried to demonise me over a conflict I had with someone else. I noticed that he brought the topic up on St. Pat's weekend, three months after it had happened and there were no new developments related to it. That put my antenna up. I later saw though FB snooping and e-mails that St. Pat's day and ensuing pub crawls was a watershed activity between the two of them before I met him. His "good friend" failed to invite him after we started dating exclusively and I guess he was pissed off.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I feel for you BS that were lied to. I never got that. I got honest directness. "I am going to have an affair."
> 
> And at that moment, I wished I was dead. You know, maybe honesty is not all it's cracked up to be?
> 
> It's like a sharp knife. It can cut your bread or it can cut you.


No, surely we were lucky. Our WS's were just lying to protect _us_.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> *His lips were moving. *I'm serious. Knowing what I know now I don't think he's told the truth for the past 2 years or so.


Yea. I think this is my answer. Although my gut was tingly, I thought it was my anxiety, etc. nah. I guess I knew he was lying.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

For me,
When she would get mad, she would be nasty and cold...
She faked being happy for so long, I actually thought she was happy..
Password change on email... (That is basically an automatic affair... I thought nothing of it... I was totally blind until DDay)
The Phone fixation for texts etc... (Dead giveaway... ) That is what finally got me looking too late...
So many lies... Can't count...

To this day she can't stop the me me me me story... I'm taking my kids to counseling and she wants to go to give the counselor her story... The counseling is for the kids... I don't even sit in. I sit in the lobby... 

The utter selfishness and neglect of the family for her OM fix... That was also big... 

I wasn't looking for those things to be honest, but now it is clear as day.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I feel for you BS that were lied to. I never got that. I got honest directness. "I am going to have an affair."
> 
> And at that moment, I wished I was dead. You know, maybe honesty is not all it's cracked up to be?
> 
> It's like a sharp knife. It can cut your bread or it can cut you.



I would have rather had the honesty. At least then, he wouldn't have needed to make me feel insane for questioning him. He was very good at that. He had me convinced I was crazy and not loyal to accuse him of such a horrible thing. 

I could actually forgive him for the cheating easier than for the lies and making me question my own sanity.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Did I turn her into a lier? As long as I got mine, what the hell did I care?

Sorry for the thread jack.

I seem to be typing that alot lately...d-day 2-12-10 (1st post.. I think 8-00-10 " the guy with the cheating wife) and it been 3 years



AND NO MORE LIES

After telling me about blowing guy #17 or maybe #19 with a piercing, whats there to lie about?

I haven't hit her in years, but 3 years ago, 52 sessions of anger management paid off, I know I am no longer lying to my self, the rest is on her if she wants to stick around! 

I think it should be a law that lier's get to get punched no matter what gender. I'm I wrong?

I wanted to hit the guy that cut me off, but I have tools.

I wanted to to hit my dog for digging but I have tools.

I want to hit poeple (everyone) that lie to me but I have tools.

Again sorry for the rant, not only have I been lied to but I have been lying to my self.

These are the worst of lies, when you lie to your self! 

So guys if you think your old lady is the cats meewow, well think again when you get told to " go to bed I will be home late"


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

my hubby was just NEVER happy, he would complain about everything i did. not listen to me when i would make a suggestion, he loved the TV more than me or the kids too.
he never wanted to go anywhere with us or me or hardly ever anyway and no matter what i did in the bedroom he always had something to complain about.

we had healthy sex life. 2 to 3 times a week. i would have fun, be spontaneous, then he complained i wasnt making moves often enough so i did that more..
then he complained i didnt give him enough oral
i wasnt clean enough..... i wasnt being the best mum i could, the car hadnt been washed


....
his unhappiness just went on and on and on........

so i would say his behavior towards me slowly got worse and worse, i NEVER thought he had been unfaithful and was blown away when he confessed it to me 3 years after he did it !!!!!!!!!!!!!

its hard to trust again


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

goodwife4

Are you on R now since?

As for signs of lying. Mine (WS) was secretive and evasive and also became unreliable. He lied, lied and lied more to cover up what he was actually up to. 

Once we were scheduled to see a therapist together one Friday, suddenly, he said he couldn't make it because his car had broken down right in front of where he worked. He called me and told me over the phone. Unusual...I thought, because his car is a high spec motor..not one of those which is prone to break down..

I gathered that he simply couldn't bring himself to say he hates going to see the therapist. The more likely reason why his car suddenly broken down was that he has "in the mood" to see his long-term "sex friend", who kept stalking him to see her online. (But she was in a "Fog" over the years thinking he loves her LOL!)

That was before DDay. I think we know when someone is lying. Things just don't make any sense and there's something "odd" about what he says. I didn't believe what he told me. I "felt" he was messing around.

As someone said in other thread, I told his Mother, older Brother, my doctor and contacted all women he was busy grooming behind my back all these years. That was the only "remedy" to treat/cure his lying habit. After he went to see her post-DDay, I did this again. I doubt he's in the Fog anymore. 

I paid off his cc debts accumulated over the years philandering and we are relocating to pasture new at the moment. We'll see what our new life will bring to us.


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

Here's one I've seen a lot.

It starts off as an EA online. The soon to be WS gives the soon to be AP a lot of attention, it seems very suspicious. Comments everywhere on facebook. Constant texts (probably in front of the soon to be BS but it's not a problem because they're 'just friends'). Then the EA turns into a PA and all the online attention and affection between the WS/AP becomes nonexistent.

When they go from being suspiciously chummy BFFs to just being acquaintances that rarely exchange a public comment from one day to the next you can bet something physical happened on the night in between.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My stbxw's typical lie pattern would be the trickle truth. The lie of omission. The half-truth.

So she never outright lies COMPLETELY. That is how she keeps her vestigial conscience clear.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Remains said:


> I was wondering, signs of lying....cheaters are very good at it! And it is almost impossible to pinpoint them. But everyone has them, and all signs are different. And indeed, in my research, just because a 'sign' is there, it doesn't mean a definite lie. So what were the signs of your wayward?
> 
> (Edit: When I mean signs of lying, I mean the physical signs as they lie to you face. Not the signs of cheating.)
> 
> ...


Well I can tell you he would barely look me in the face. But he got really defensive, like freaked out and started "assuming" I was thinking he had sex with his AP (when he was still trying to hide their relationship as "just friends") and the funny thing is I didn't hint that I thought anything like that was going on. So a huge sign is being overly defensive at any question that pertains to what they are trying to hide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

Omegaa said:


> goodwife4
> 
> Are you on R now since?
> *yes trying. it is hard but hes willing to try to change and as long as that happens theres a faint hope we may survive *
> ...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

There were none. I didn't suspect him for a minute.
I thought we were just going through a little lull in the marriage. I knew something wasn't right but him cheating never crossed my mind once.
That's what so dammed scary about it.
The first time I suspected anything is when I discovered he had a password in his phone. Never ever had passwords. Then I just Guessed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> Are you on R now since?
> 
> yes trying. it is hard but hes willing to try to change and as long as that happens theres a faint hope we may survive


Hi Good for you! :smthumbup:
Don't let OW win! You're 100% better than "her"  (I have a pet hate for sad women after a married man!)


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