# So confused...and hurt.



## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. I was 18 when we married, he was 22. I would say we have had a good married most of the times. There were a couple times in the past where I suspected him of cheating. After we had been married 5 years, I contract herpes. But the dr explained that my husband (he is the only man I have EVER been with) could just be a carrier, and that the this is when I contracted it. So, after crying and asking him about it, he denies anything, and I am set to believe he is just a carrier, and contracted it from someone prior to me, as I have never seen anything on him, (on his genitals) it made sense. At ten years marriage, I was pregnant with my first, our daughter. I snooped in his wallet (it do it once in a while, with no reason.) I found a phone number on a slip of paper. Called it, and it was a voice mail for a Stacey. I asked him about that, and of course, he has no idea who it is, and where this slip of paper magically appeared from. Now, we have bee married almost 16 years (this September) and I am now pregnant with our second. His phone buzzed in the middle of the night one night last week. I got up to check it. First off, he never usually has it on vibrate. Turns out the call was a emergency call from a customer of ours, as I found out the next morning, and I called the guy back. But, that call in the night peaked my curiosity, and I checked through his text messages. Let me just say, he ALWAYS deletes everything. Never much to see in his phone. But this time, in the OUT box, I found 2 text messages from Monday morning, which would have been during our drive to work time. They were to the same number. One said, "Call you in a bit love u" and the other said "Miss your love my sexy bad girl." I was floored, to say the least. I waiting til I got to work. Didn't act like anything was up. Let me also point out, we work together, own a business together. I run the office, and he and two others work on the road, doing repairs and services on equipment. After I go him and the other on the road, I went on Intellius and check the number. It gave me a woman's name in a local town. I called the number from my fax line, in case no one answered, when they called back, they would just think a fax misdialed them. But, she answered. I asked her name, and she gave me the same name that Intellius did. I asked her did she know my husband, and gave his name. She acted confused, and said no. I asked if anyone else used this line, and she said sometimes her husband did. Hmmm. After that I just said ok, thank you, and hung up. About ten minutes later, my husband texted me and asked it I was alright, he could tell I was mad about something. I texted him back that I didn't want to talk about it right now. He called me. I wasn't going to say anything, but he just kept pushing me. I told him that I saw the two texts in his OUT box to this woman by this name. He acted stupid, said he didn't have those texts in his phone. I told him I called the woman, he said he didn't know that name. Might I add, the number was actually saved to his phone as a friends home number, which obviously, it was not. I told him what the texts said, he said well I would not sent that to (his friend, who is a guy). I said, well, it isn't his number, and those texts didn't magically jump into his phone. So, he proceeded to make me feel crazy, I don't know that name, I didn't send those texts, do you think if I did I would leave them in my phone, etc, etc. Just constant reasoning. I was crying, and he was saying that he loved me, a wanted to be with me, and that he was not messing around with anyone else. He wouldn't let me off the phone, because he thought I was so upset, which I was, but I was trying to cover it. I told him, I didn't want to be a fool, and he said you're not, I'm not doing anything. He says we have a child and one on the way, why would I do that? Then he just started getting aggrivated, because if all this was true, HOW DID THOSE TEXTS GET IN YOUR PHONE?! He said you tell me what you want, a divorce? He says we can stay in the same house and keep running the business together and be divorced. I'm thinking, he's crazy as hell. If we divorced I would do neither, I would want the chance to start over! He got madder throughout the day ask I have to talk to him on the phone randomly. He was getting angry that I didn't trust him and I snooped through his phone. Since then, I tried to just act like nothing has happened. He is doing the same basically. But now he is toteing his phone in his pocket everywhere, never leaving it out except for at night to charge. If I check it then, everything is absolutely empty. My plan is to wait until the next cell bill comes in and see how many times he has used that number since the day I confronted him. Especially that morning, before he asked me what was wrong? How else would those texts appear on his phone? Why would he risk losing everything we have? Not to be funny, but I never deny him sex. Over the course of our 16 years, I can honestly say this man get it almost everynight, no questions asked. So he can't use that as an excuse. Bad part is, I don't think I COULD leave. Everything is so tied up together. The house, the business, the kids, all our money. If we divorced, and I left the company, I'm not scared to say it would crash, and the others would lose their jobs. I certainly would not train anyone to take my place for his sake! My brain keeps telling me, what if he isn't, what if it is just some big misunderstanding? I still love him. But if he isn't admitting to anything, and still carrying on with it, how can we get past it? Should I even try? Should I stay here for my daughter and the child to come, and the business, and just hope it stops? I would give anything be able to see the messages he is sending out. I just don't know what I did to deserve this. And what steps to take next. It's almost as if I should turn a blind eye, and pretend nothing is happening. But my heart is breaking and it's the only thing I can think about. I am a Christian woman, and I could never sleep around to get even, that isn't a option for me. Please help me. I am falling apart. I almost want to send something to her husband, and out her to him, but maybe he doesn't care. I will add, according to Intellius, the woman attached to this number is almost 10 years older than him. Which isn't surprising, he has always like older women. Should I advise her husband? Should I wait for the next phone bill. Or just forget everything?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

He's gaslighting you and he's definitely cheating. If your evidence is 100% solid then immediatley tell her husband, exposure is one of the best ways to end an affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you had to come here, but glad you made it.

*Please remember: It is not your fault.*


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I am so sorry (((((((hugs)))))

Do not forget anything!!!

If i were you I would start looking for a paper trail (affairs are not cheap) Credit card statements, bank statements. Also look at the old cell phone bills and see when her number started showing up (that will give you a time line, of how long it has been going on).
Once you can come up with solid proof with the affair, I would let the husband know and show him proof of the affair(he will want proof).

I do agree he is gas lighting you. Making you think you didn't see what you saw on his phone. Don't think for one second that you are crazy. I know you are confused right now, but you are not crazy. He wants you to think you are crazy and "imagining" things. 

Get a digital voice activated recorder hide it under his seat in his car, you will be able to hear him on the phone. Do not confront him again, until you get all of your ducks in a row. 

An FYI. Since you found the texts on his phone, he may not use that phone anymore to contact her, he might get a throw away phone to carry on with her. If your husband is an idiot then he will continue to use his phone, if not he will get another phone.

Start back tracking as mentioned above.. If you need anything else, please send me a PM


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Check the phone bill online if you can, look for the number of texts and calls to that number. What kind of phone does he have? You may be able to read his deleted texts.

So sorry this is happening, but it definitely sounds like he's cheating...and he's scared that you're onto him, so now the big lies are going to come into play. He will also be on high alert for the short term, so any investigation you do, keep it to yourself, even if you find small things here and there.

That said, you definitely should tell the other woman's husband. Maybe check and see if the phone bill shows insane amounts of contact first though. Those couple texts you have are damning enough though. Outgoing texts don't show up on phones unless they were sent. Just doesn't happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

brokenmama--

I mean this in a loving way, and I don't want to kick you when you're already down.

How can you possibly let him get away with LYING to your face when you have more evidence than most people do that he is absolutely 100% cheating on you?

You know that those texts didn't magically appear on his phone.

What you do think his girlfriend is going to say if a woman calls her and asks if she knows her husband? Truly, she said EXACTLY what any of us would have predicted whether you had told us or not. Calling the girlfriend of a cheater is phenomenal waste of time--except to confirm that yes, in deed, Stacey is a woman and yes, indeed, the person who he was calling his sexy bad girl isn't a man.

Let me tell you: you already know it's outrageous, selfish, and immoral for him to treat you this way. Here you have a young child, you're pregnant, he's given you HERPES for goodness' sake--you have caught him WITH HIS PANTS DOWN and he has the NERVE to continue to LIE TO YOUR FACE.

Don't beat yourself up about confronting him the way you did--you had more than enough evidence. You do not need to search any more to determine the truth. You are done with that! 

You basically have two cards to play: exposure and filing for divorce.

Realize that many, many divorce papers are filed every year only to be withdrawn. You can delay the divorce or retract it altogether if things were to suddenly take a turn that showed he was remorseful and 100% dedicated to making up to you the horrible wounds he's inflicted.

But right now, he's 1000 miles away from remorse. Here he's suggesting you get a divorce and continue to live together. I'm sure you've never heard such a bizarre thing in your life--but that just shows how much up to his neck he is with cheating. Cheaters live in a fantasy world where they have their cake and eat it too! I bet he even thinks that the two of you would occasionally sleep together while divorced in the same house! But this arrangement would obviously ease his conscious about his nasty girlfriend on the side.

Exposure is where you sit down with his parents and anyone else that he respects and looks up to, and you tell them what is happening. Explain that you contracted herpes. Explain that he texted a woman saying these things. Explain to them that his reaction is to lie through his teeth. DO NOT BUDGE ONE INCH TO IN ANY WAY DIGNIFY HIS OUTRAGEOUS LIES.

Please let your post above be the very last time you pretend that anything he's said about those texts is in any way in the same universe as truth. He clearly thinks: a. you are stupid and b. you are guillible and c. he just might get away with his plan to have you both, which is what he's been enjoying for quite some time.

I am so sorry you are here. Please be strong and brave. It takes every ounce of your wits about you to duel with a cheater. Just remember that every word they say is a lie--as if his body has been invaded by aliens. He is deep inside a fantasy he's constructed and he's going to fight to keep it. Your job is to show him you are a human being who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity and if he can't manage that, he must go.


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