# Ladies would you talk before tattoo?



## discouraged1

So would you ladies talk to your husband first before getting a visible tattoo?
Would you go get a visible tattoo while your husband is out of town... all of your coworkers and family know and you tell your husband when he gets back?


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## SimplyAmorous

discouraged1 said:


> So would you ladies talk to your husband first before getting a visible tattoo?
> Would you go get a visible tattoo while your husband is out of town... all of your coworkers and family know and you tell your husband when he gets back?


I would never do something like that without talking to my husband 1st, I would consider it disrespectful to him. My body is his body - I am his desire, It matters how he views such a thing. That is how I look at marriage anyway.

We talk about all things together - before we go ahead... anything of High cost, relating to the family, things that are permanent -like tattoos... absolutely.


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## discouraged1

So my second question is should I tell her how this makes me feel? Part of me wants too but the other half says don't! BTW I DO NOT like it...


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## Cosmos

Never in a million years. Besides, I know he loathes tattoos, so I wouldn't have one anyway.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Absolutely!

My husband is highly against tattoos. However, I have had one since the day I turned 18.

I have thought about getting another one, I really like the ones with white ink. I've brought up the idea and my husband supports me even though he hates them. Now that is true love. 

Edit to add.... I'd definitely get one where it can easily be hidden.


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## pidge70

Cosmos said:


> Never in a million years. Besides, I know he loathes tattoos, so I wouldn't have one anyway.


:iagree: My H feels the same way. He detests tattoos. If I got one there would be Hell to pay.....lol


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## Jane_Doe

I do believe in personal bodily integrity, that your body is yours and no one else's (not even your spouse's). But I think keeping such a drastic thing a secret is a symptom of something wrong in your marriage. The fact that you can't decide whether to show your true feelings or sweep them under the rug is another symptom.

How is the communication between you guys in general? Are you always skirting around one another, worrying about their reaction, hoping they 'realise' what you think/feel? Or are you usually up-front and honest, aside from this one circumstance?


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## nandosbella

I went out of town with a friend down to miami last weekend and got a wrist tattoo without telling him. He's known I've wanted it for a while. He doesn't like tattoos either. But it was therapeutic for me, and it was important for me to get. He didn't say much when he saw it. But he's in the dog house right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

pidge70 said:


> :iagree: My H feels the same way. He detests tattoos. If I got on there would be Hell to pay.....lol


Same here and sorry but my marriage comes before any tattoo.

Not that I'd do that. I don't like them.


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## EnjoliWoman

Major body modifications should definitely be discussed. I know my BF isn't a fan of them; neither am I. But if I felt like it on a whim, I'd at LEAST text him to see what he thought.

Funny - I see other people's and I admire their convictions - that they felt SO strongly about it they made it permanent on their body, whatever that is.


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## Coffee Amore

I wouldn't get a tattoo (I don't have any) without discussing it first with my husband. Same for him. I agree with the previous poster who said major body modifications in either partner should be discussed ahead of time. Sure it's my body and his body is his, but when your partner finds you attractive a certain way, you're stupid to be petulant about it.."Well it's my body and I'm going to do with it what I like and you'll just have to get used to it." Have that kind of attitude for long and you'll be divorced.


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## Zig

OP, shave your head bald and start growing a beard and see how she feels about it. It's a lot less permanent and drastic than a tattoo but I bet she would demand that you stop. I also don't understand people who put tattoos before their marriage.

Personally, I can't stand tattoos. If I met the "perfect" woman for me who matched exactly what I want physically, mentally and emotionally in a woman and she was madly in love with me I would still drop her if she had the smallest tattoo.


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## CantePe

My bosy, my tattoos. I dont hide it from him though .. but then again he wants one too.


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## rj700

nandosbella said:


> But he's in the dog house right now.


 So that's him in your avatar? Sorry, couldn't resist.:rofl:


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## Anonymous07

discouraged1 said:


> So my second question is should I tell her how this makes me feel? Part of me wants too but the other half says don't! BTW I DO NOT like it...


I would say yes, you should talk to her about this. Communication is important and if this is bothering you, then she needs to know about it. 

For my husband and I, we talk about everything and there are no secrets. If one of us wants to make a big change, anything that costs a lot, involves family or others, or is permanent, then it has to be talked about before any one moves forward with what ever decision that is decided upon. I would be very upset if my husband just came home one day with a tattoo and vice versa.


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## ImperfectMomma

I don't believe in getting one if your spouse doesn't want you to. Your bodies belong to each other. I always wanted one but H didn't want me to have one so, I didn't. That is, until he cheated and I figured it's now my body only to do what I want. I now have one that no one can see unless I want them to.


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## CantePe

I came into this marriage with piercings and tattoos. Just like he came into this marriage a trucker. It's what I am, it's what he is. Take it or leave it... it's always said here discuss BEFORE marriage. Tattoos are no different. I hate to say this (maybe because i am stubborn in this touchy subject) but neither my husband or i are possessions "belonging " to each other. We are people who chose each other regardless of social status (sic tattoos and trucking) . Maybe it is just me but i hate that phrase "we belong to each other ". For me its like being compared to chattle, a thing, a possession.


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## CharlieParker

Not really visible but she got one when I was out of town but didn't show anyone for a while. I couldn't really complain, it's a heart with "Property of Charlie" around it. I few year later I got her initials around my arm, also not usually visible.


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## 2ntnuf

I came home from work one day and my ex-wife, then wife, told me she was getting another tattoo. I don't mind them depending on where they are and what they are.

Like someone said, it is her body. I was in a little emotional turmoil. I really didn't want her to get another tattoo. Her daughter and her were getting the same one together. I actually thought that was nice.

I appreciated my ex telling me she was going to get it and the only thing I could really do was to ask her not to get it in a really obvious place and to keep it as small as possible. I really didn't have the right to ask that, since it is her body.

I do believe, as husband and wife, we should respect each other's feelings and talk about it before it is done. I think it shows a great lack of respect when done without mentioning it. I also know that it is her body and in the end, her decision.

Too bad she doesn't respect you more.


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## MrsKy

Of course I would discuss a tattoo with my husband. He hates them and thinks they make women look trashy. While I think that some can be very beautiful, I like having skin that is not inked.


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## moxy

I would talk about it before doing it, but not to ask permission -- and his approval would be irrelevant to my ultimate decision. How I decorate my body is my business and while it might matter to me what my partner thinks of it, his response would only be one factor in my decision, not the deciding factor. too often, discussion means permission-request in marriage and that seems icky.


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## Dollystanford

agree with Moxy and CantePe - my body was emphatically NOT my husband's property. Yes I would discuss it but damn!


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## HopelesslyJaded

Ask his opinion on the design, etc. Yes Ask his permission No 

Besides I took years to ge the guts to get the one simple one I have. He would probably know I was going to get it but it wouldn't be because I needed his blessing.


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## joe kidd

To be fair my dislike for them was something that was made abundantly clear in the beginning of the relationship. If that was a deal breaker for her she had the chance to say as much. Is it her body? Yes. Do I have to be happy if she comes home with one? No. 
Just like she wouldn't be happy if I came home with a nose ring or my teeth filed to points.


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## Entropy3000

This would be a message from my wife to me that we were done and that she had developed a deep resentment for me and total lack of respect. YMMV. But this is what it would mean to me. This is in the context of my marriage.

So in the context of your marriage how does this fit with everything else that is going on. There seems to be some real self esteem issues and she is reluctant to show intimacy with you.

What else is going on in her life? Did she just do this on her own or was she encouraged but friends to just do what she wants. You know the old, he is not your dad, he does not own you and you can do what you want with your body. Does she needs to be rebellious with you. To put you in your place? If she knows you are against it and did it anyway that shows you her priorities. What is her next step? 

BTW what is the tattoo and where is it? Why did she do it?

If my wife of I were to do something like this we would need each others blessing for sure. But we abide by POJA. Policy Of Joint Agreement in improtant permanent things like this. What the tattoo would be would matter.


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## Maricha75

I would discuss with him first. If he said he didn't want me to get one, I wouldn't get one. Yes, it is my body. But my personal view is that piercings, tattoos, makeup, etc. are really NOT worth arguing about. He doesn't like them, I don't get them/wear them. It's just that simple. And, he doesn't get/wear things that _I_ don't like either.


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## HopelesslyJaded

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Ask his opinion on the design, etc. Yes Ask his permission No
> 
> Besides I took years to ge the guts to get the one simple one I have. He would probably know I was going to get it but it wouldn't be because I needed his blessing.


I will add to this saying that I already know that he doesnt have an aversion to tattoos. If I knew he did it probably would make a difference.


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## Entropy3000

Also it matters if you marry someone who is into the tattoo culture. So this is something that should be worked out at some point. What is tough is when this comes as part of a change in someone who starts chainging their behaviors in radical ways. If it is something that was agreed upon it becomes a crossed boundary. That puts other boudnaries in question. That is why I ask the context for this.


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## Maricha75

CharlieParker said:


> Not really visible but she got one when I was out of town but didn't show anyone for a while. I couldn't really complain, it's a heart with "Property of Charlie" around it. I few year later I got her initials around my arm, also not usually visible.


See, something like that, I think my husband MIGHT be more receptive to... However, if he was still adamant about NOT getting one, I still wouldn't get it.


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## FalconKing

I agree with Entropy. If you are already into that culture then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. But it's the fact that you would permanently alter something about yourself and could care less what I have to say about it that would be quite disrespectful to me. If it's in a place where she can conceal it easy, that would just make me more nervous. Sort of like women who get piercings in alternative places. The piercing makes me uncomfortable enough but knowing some dude grabbed her bare breast and stuck a needle through it would have me immediately wishing her the best as we went our separate ways.


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## Entropy3000

FalconKing said:


> I agree with Entropy. If you are already into that culture then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. But it's the fact that you would permanently alter something about yourself and could care less what I have to say about it that would be quite disrespectful to me. If it's in a place where she can conceal it easy, that would just make me more nervous. Sort of like women who get piercings in alternative places. The piercing makes me uncomfortable enough but knowing some dude grabbed her bare breast and stuck a needle through it would have me immediately wishing her the best as we went our separate ways.


Good point. I mentioned this on another thread and was told these tattoo guy are like doctors. LOL.


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## FalconKing

Entropy3000 said:


> Good point. I emtioned this on another thread and was told these tattoo guy are like doctors. LOL.


Sure because doctors are robots. My EX-GF told me she thought her male gynecologists was sexy.


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## Entropy3000

FalconKing said:


> Sure because doctors are robots. My EX-GF told me she thought her male gynecologists was sexy.


That is hilarious sir. Ummmm ... Actually maybe not. But there is some truth to this as well, whether it be doctors or massage therapists or whatever. Wow this could take us far afield for sure. I will restrain myself for now however.


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## Maricha75

Entropy3000 said:


> Good point. I mentioned this on another thread and was told these tattoo guy are like doctors. LOL.


Heh, right. I do know a guy who does tattoos. While he may be more "surgical" toward the men or even the ladies who are not so pretty...those who ARE "hot"? Yea, right! He couldn't WAIT to get his hands on them!


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## CharlieParker

TMI and not for freight of heart.



My wife's "artist" wanted to show her a sample of his "work". She stopped him when he started unbuttoning his pants.


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## Entropy3000

I have seen some very beautiful tattoo art work. But like I have said before I find a nude woman without tats most alluring. There are way too many bad looking tattoos. I get that they are a personal chocie and have meaning and so on. If a couple agrees then great. I fall on the side of a couple agreeing on this.

Anyway I still see the lower back tattoo as being a whatever happend in Vegas stays in Vegas kind of thing. I know that is narrow minded but I am not alone in this either. Generational? Perhaps.

if my wife came to me and told me she really wanted a tattoo I would listen to be sure. I suppose there could be a type I would be ok with but I know there is much I would not.

There are a limited number of possible tattoos that I would consider for myself. It is amazing really that I spent 8 years in the Navy and never got a tattoo.


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## CharlieParker

Entropy3000 said:


> Anyway I still see the lower back tattoo as being a whatever happend in Vegas stays in Vegas kind of thing.


Literally translated from W's native language a "tramp stamp" is "ass antlers".


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## Chelle D

Yes, I would talk to him before getting any tattoo... And discuss it with him first. 

However, He does not feel the same. Hubby has come home many times with a "new tattoo" that I had no idea he was getting.

In fact, of the tattoos that he has gotten since we were married, the one that I really like, is the dragon on his lower leg. And, I never thought about it before, but I think that is the only one that was talked about first... that was not sprung on me!

The worst one that caused & causes the most stress between us, is when he was working out of state for over a month. He came home with a naked lady on his shoulder blade. And then I come to find that it was a female tattoo artist. Grrr.... and that he was drunk when he got it. Hmmmmm... Nope, not happy about that one at all.


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## Tall Average Guy

moxy said:


> I would talk about it before doing it, but not to ask permission -- and his approval would be irrelevant to my ultimate decision. How I decorate my body is my business and while it might matter to me what my partner thinks of it, his response would only be one factor in my decision, not the deciding factor. too often, discussion means permission-request in marriage and that seems icky.


So if the husband said hey, I am sick and tired of being healthy, I am just going to eat what I want and gain 50 pounds, and her opinion be [email protected], every one is okay with that?

Nobody is anybodies property. But while you have the right to make any decision you want regarding it, you don't have the right to make such a decision and not have it effect your marriage. When ever you do something that is against the wishes of your spouse, you risk hurting the relationship. Sometimes that is okay, but most of the time it is not (at least in a healthy relationship). So you need to really decide how important the act is versus your marriage.

I will also note that the OPs issue seems to in large part hinge on the fact that she did not even discuss it with him. She waited till he was out of town, then got it. He also appears to have been one of the last to know. Does not sound like a guy demanding his wife obey his every command.


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## ScarletBegonias

I told my ex before I got another tattoo...even though it wasn't easily visible. I also told my exso before I got another one.

I don't ask permission, I say what I'm getting and where it will be.


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## SimplyAmorous

CharlieParker said:


> Literally translated from W's native language a "tramp stamp" is "ass antlers".


 Never heard of this "ass antlers" phrase, that's a new one for me.....but the other is what my husband refers to tattoos on women.... For him, they are nothing but a turn off... he's an all natural type man....no piercings either. 

Million Dollar Tattoo » Ass Antlers

None of this bothers me, however, I've never had a desire for one.....even the smallest risk of infection is not worth the artwork to me. No contentions with us on this issue. 

Latest news here >> Contaminated tattoo ink caused at least 22 skin and soft tissue infections - Chicago Tribune


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## Entropy3000

Chelle D said:


> Yes, I would talk to him before getting any tattoo... And discuss it with him first.
> 
> However, He does not feel the same. Hubby has come home many times with a "new tattoo" that I had no idea he was getting.
> 
> In fact, of the tattoos that he has gotten since we were married, the one that I really like, is the dragon on his lower leg. And, I never thought about it before, but I think that is the only one that was talked about first... that was not sprung on me!
> 
> The worst one that caused & causes the most stress between us, is when he was working out of state for over a month. He came home with a naked lady on his shoulder blade. And then I come to find that it was a female tattoo artist. Grrr.... and that he was drunk when he got it. Hmmmmm... Nope, not happy about that one at all.


Wow.

So I am trying to switch the genders here a bit.

Trying to imagine how I would feel if my wife came home from any trip for any purpose with a naked guy or woman for that matter on any part of her body. A tat of a well enowed or otherwise male stripper with the caption, a hard man is good to find would not be amusing. Or I like my men like I like my coffee. No offense but my wifes husband is obviosuly white and that is my point. Anything that looks to be disrespectiful to the spouse would be hard to deal with beyond the art of it all. A small butterfly or ladybug is a different level of this.

Years gone by indeed tattoos were more common with men. War time had something to do with it I suppose. Things have changed. 

So I guess I am saying I do not have a double standard on this.


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## Entropy3000

ScarletBegonias said:


> I told my ex before I got another tattoo...even though it wasn't easily visible. I also told my exso before I got another one.
> 
> I don't ask permission, I say what I'm getting and where it will be.


I do not act independently on the big things from my wife. Then again she is not my ex. This would be a big thing for us. Not a big thing for couples that are into the tattoo culture of course. 

It matters much if someone is crossing a boundary or not.

So my point is that my wife and I do not ask each others permission for most of what we do in our lives. Just the things that would matter to the other. We know what those are.


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## Entropy3000

SimplyAmorous said:


> Never heard of this "ass antlers" phrase, that's a new one for me.....but the other is what my husband refers to tattoos on women.... For him, they are nothing but a turn off... he's an all natural type man....no piercings either.
> 
> Million Dollar Tattoo » Ass Antlers
> 
> None of this bothers me, however, I've never had a desire for one.....even the smallest risk of infection is not worth the artwork to me. No contentions with us on this issue.
> 
> Latest news here >> Contaminated tattoo ink caused at least 22 skin and soft tissue infections - Chicago Tribune


The thong tattoo is hilarious. But not hilarious past about ten seconds. Tell me that was not permanent please.


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## Entropy3000

While we all can kibitz about how we may or may not feel about tattoos and how we may or may not feel permission is needed for anything ... I am asking the OP to put this into context for his marriage.

What is going on with this when you look at the whole deal? You have started a good number of threads on variety of topics. What picture are you painting of your marriage for the folks on TAM and where does this fit in? What do you see? What should we be seeing?

What is the tattoo that she got and where is it? Does your job or her job entail much business interaction where this may have an impact one way or another? If so do you feel it is a reflection on you as well as her?

Was there some sort of special symbolism for her? Sometimes someone may lose a family member nd they get a tattoo in remembrance. Was this the case?


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## ScarletBegonias

Entropy3000 said:


> I do not act independently on the big things from my wife. Then again she is not my ex. This would be a big thing for us. Not a big thing for couples that are into the tattoo culture of course.
> 
> It matters much if someone is crossing a boundary or not.
> 
> So my point is that my wife and I do not ask each others permission for most of what we do in our lives. Just the things that would matter to the other. We know what those are.


They had no opinion on tattoos. Not asking permission wasn't done out of disrespect, it wasn't necessary to get approval past the shoulder shrug of "it's your body sweetie...can't wait to see the new art"


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## Coffee Amore

Tall Average Guy said:


> So if the husband said hey, I am sick and tired of being healthy, I am just going to eat what I want and gain 50 pounds, and her opinion be [email protected], every one is okay with that?
> 
> Nobody is anybodies property. But while you have the right to make any decision you want regarding it, you don't have the right to make such a decision and not have it effect your marriage. When ever you do something that is against the wishes of your spouse, you risk hurting the relationship. Sometimes that is okay, but most of the time it is not (at least in a healthy relationship). So you need to really decide how important the act is versus your marriage.
> 
> I will also note that the OPs issue seems to in large part hinge on the fact that she did not even discuss it with him. She waited till he was out of town, then got it. He also appears to have been one of the last to know. Does not sound like a guy demanding his wife obey his every command.



:iagree:

I don't consider myself his property. He's not my property. Out of consideration for him and our marriage, I would discuss any major, permanent body modification with him be it piercings, tattoos, implants or whatever else falls into that category. If he wasn't for it, I will most likely think really hard if I want to do it. Maybe we could reach a compromise on the size or location or white ink v. color ink. I just know I would not say "it's my body, I'll do with it what I like." 

I don't have a tattoo and I'm not part of the tattoo/alternative culture. I've seen some very beautiful tattoos on people. There's a woman at the coffee shop who has a gorgeous tattoo sleeve. In my location, it's popular among the men to have abstract, tribal tattoos. But it's not for me. If I altered my body that way without taking my husband's opinion into consideration, I think it would upset him just as it would upset me if he got some prominent body piercings without asking me how I felt.


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## Entropy3000

ScarletBegonias said:


> They had no opinion on tattoos. Not asking permission wasn't done out of disrespect, it wasn't necessary to get approval past the shoulder shrug of "it's your body sweetie...can't wait to see the new art"


That is what I gathered. Then it is no big deal. This is one of those things that can vary much from couple to couple.

If my wife was into tats when we married we would have come to some undertanding over them. If either of us way down the road just went and got one it would be a WTF moment. At the least makes you wonder what else was going on in their head.

If I were to get a tat I already know what my choices would be, but I am just not driven to do it. I would discuss with my wife first.


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## Desperate_Housewife

My body is my own. I don't want nor need his permission to get a tattoo if that is my desire. I give him the same respect. I would certainly be surprised if he suddenly came home with a tattoo, but it's none of my business because it's his body, his choice.


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## Entropy3000

Desperate_Housewife said:


> My body is my own. I don't want nor need his permission to get a tattoo if that is my desire. I give him the same respect. I would certainly be surprised if he suddenly came home with a tattoo, but it's none of my business because it's his body, his choice.


I get your point but how far does this go? We all make choices. Where do you draw the line as to what you or your husband can do with your own body without agreement?

Is one free to share their body with others physically or visually? If a wife liked to go topless or nude and the husband found that not acceptable would he just have to accept it? How about how one might dress? I am talking extremes here. Or how about if one got into using drugs or was obsessed with alcohol. Or took obsessive risks without reguard to how it might impact the family?

Yes these are other things but I am wondering your thoughts on boundaries that involve what one does or does not do with their body when they are married. I also get that we do not control people but we can have our own boundaries. So a spouse who disagreed could just divorce. Hopefully a couple could work things out short of that. 

Beyond this topic I am seeing some real contention between some couples on TAM. Many of us push spouses to assert their boundaries on what their spouses are doing and yet we see many folks here asserting their independence. Makes sense of course. Yin and Yang. Just trying to reconsile the you don't own me or control me with we are a partnership and in this together camps. For sure this varies couple to couple.


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## Tall Average Guy

Desperate_Housewife said:


> My body is my own. I don't want nor need his permission to get a tattoo if that is my desire. I give him the same respect. I would certainly be surprised if he suddenly came home with a tattoo, but it's none of my business because it's his body, his choice.


And his decision on how your tattoo and getting it without asking effects his view of the marriage is entirely his own. He does not have to get your permission on that. He gets to decide if he does not care or that it is disrespectful that you don't even ask or that it is ugly and lowers his sexual attraction to you. That is the risk you take.

_Edit_ - Also, if this is your belief, it is absolutely paramount that you discuss it with your soon to be spouse to figure out where to draw the line. Because as Entropy notes, it applies to a heck of a lot of issues that most of us would consider deal-breakers.


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## Entropy3000

Tall Average Guy said:


> And his decision on how your tattoo and getting it without asking effects his view of the marriage is entirely his own. He does not have to get your permission on that. He gets to decide if he does not care or that it is disrespectful that you don't even ask or that it is ugly and lowers his sexual attraction to you. That is the risk you take.
> 
> _Edit_ - Also, if this is your belief, *it is absolutely paramount that you discuss it with your soon to be spouse to figure out where to draw the line.* Because as Entropy notes, it applies to a heck of a lot of issues that most of us would consider deal-breakers.


And this is the real takeaway. This takes into consideration both spouses and provides an opportuinity to work out the boundaries. New things come up all of the time but I guess we all asuume that the person we love feels about things the same was we do in the glow of our intitial in love feelings for them. Usually not the case.

So OP did you just lob this over the fence to see what people would say or do you have any other feedback here?


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## FalconKing

This is quite interesting. A question like this really gives you an inside look about certain values and boundaries people have in their marriages. Pretty cool.


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## chillymorn

Zig said:


> OP, shave your head bald and start growing a beard and see how she feels about it. It's a lot less permanent and drastic than a tattoo but I bet she would demand that you stop. I also don't understand people who put tattoos before their marriage.
> 
> Personally, I can't stand tattoos. If I met the "perfect" woman for me who matched exactly what I want physically, mentally and emotionally in a woman and she was madly in love with me I would still drop her if she had the smallest tattoo.


good because you don't compromise on anything and thats healthy for a marriage

the smallest tattoo wow everything else was perfect!:scratchhead:


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## chillymorn

he baby How do you like my prince albert pericing!!!!!


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## Entropy3000

BTW avoid the person with the 999 tattoo.


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## exhaustedwife

My body, My Choice. 

I would let him know, but I wouldn't ask for his advice or opinion. 

I would say, hey babe I want to get this tattoo, what do you think? 

I wouldnt keep it from him, or let him find out otherwise. . .you would think it would just come up in daily conversation . . . .


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## FalconKing

chillymorn said:


> good because you don't compromise on anything and thats healthy for a marriage
> 
> the smallest tattoo wow everything else was perfect!:scratchhead:


I think you took that the wrong way. Everybody has their standards. I've had women turn down me as a potential boyfriend for reasons I found arbitrary. Maybe he just wants a woman that would never think of putting permanent ink on her body. He has that right. I don't like women who wear dreads or braided hair. It causes your hairline to recede if worn to long and that's a permanent effect. Some people think they are sexy. It's all good.


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## exhaustedwife

I think the issue might actually not be the tattoo, but the fact that it he found out otherwise? leading to some slight mistrust and betrayal. . .\\\just my 2 tho


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## FalconKing

I wonder about some things. For those who say it's their body and they can do whatever they want, does this apply if you are pregnant? Maybe you have a desire to be a mother and your husband is not ready. Do try to get pregnant? Or what if you become pregnant but you don't want it? Do you abort without the consent of your husband? Would anybody do anything anyway if it would turn off a bit of attraction of your spouse towards you? If so, why? What about the marriage? Do you not care if your spouse finds you attractive? Just some things I've been thinking about.


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## exhaustedwife

FalconKing said:


> I wonder about some things. For those who say it's their body and they can do whatever they want, does this apply if you are pregnant? Maybe you have a desire to be a mother and your husband is not ready. Do try to get pregnant? Or what if you become pregnant but you don't want it? Do you abort without the consent of your husband? Would anybody do anything anyway if it would turn off a bit of attraction of your spouse towards you? If so, why? What about the marriage? Do you not care if your spouse finds you attractive? Just some things I've been thinking about.


Does it apply to pregnancy: pregnancy is a choice that 2 people make to create another person, not a body modifiation. It is a major life changing decision, and a tattoo is not. 

I was going to be a surrogate mother, and he was going to have to deal with it. . .I ended up not doing it because of qualification issues, but I did ask him how he felt about it and it was his decision as to whether or not he would be there for me through it. It was for the money. 

Abortion: Again, cannot compare a life changing situation, to getting a tattoo. . . .

My husband and I both have a rare gene mutation. When the recessive gene is passed by both parent to a child, it will be born with that disease. We have watched our first child suffer through this disease, not knowing about it until he was 5. There is no prenatal testing for it, there is nothing we can do to help him. No treatment. No cure. I had my tubes tied after my 2nd child, who did not receive the gene mutation from our dna. It was a joint decision. If in the event the sterilization fails, we have both decided that aborting the baby would be best. We cannot raise another child just to suffer and die it's entire life. And we certainly don't want to have another child born with this rare disease and not be able to do anything about it. When it comes to the big stuff. . . yea. But a tattoo or a piercing. . .he should want what makes her happy. 

Attraction: He should be attracted to more than just her skin, if he really loves her. . . .


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## CharlieParker

chillymorn said:


> he baby How do you like my prince albert pericing!!!!!


Almost been there, almost done that. I'm stopping at that, already tmi.


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## Caribbean Man

I don't like tattoos. My wife has no tattoos out of respect for me.

I like growing my beard. My wife hates beards.
She says bearded men don't kiss, because beards get in the way when kissing, necking, rubbing her face against mine etc.

If I grow my beard I loose out on some good lovemaking , because it turns her off.

IMO, when two people are married,if something is objectionable to one partner, at least the other partner,should consider their feeling.
Or,
like in my case, be prepared to face the "consequences."


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## FalconKing

exhaustedwife said:


> Does it apply to pregnancy: pregnancy is a choice that 2 people make to create another person, not a body modifiation. It is a major life changing decision, and a tattoo is not.
> 
> *I was going to be a surrogate mother, and he was going to have to deal with it. . .*I ended up not doing it because of qualification issues, but I did ask him how he felt about it and it was his decision as to whether or not he would be there for me through it. It was for the money.
> 
> Abortion: Again, cannot compare a life changing situation, to getting a tattoo. . . .
> 
> My husband and I both have a rare gene mutation. When the recessive gene is passed by both parent to a child, it will be born with that disease. We have watched our first child suffer through this disease, not knowing about it until he was 5. There is no prenatal testing for it, there is nothing we can do to help him. No treatment. No cure. I had my tubes tied after my 2nd child, who did not receive the gene mutation from our dna. It was a joint decision. If in the event the sterilization fails, we have both decided that aborting the baby would be best. We cannot raise another child just to suffer and die it's entire life. And we certainly don't want to have another child born with this rare disease and not be able to do anything about it. When it comes to the big stuff. . . yea. *But a tattoo or a piercing. . .he should want what makes her happy. *
> 
> *Attraction: He should be attracted to more than just her skin, if he really loves her. . . .*


Do you generally feel you have the right to do what you want with your body and expect your spouse to just get over it? You said you would be a surrogate even if your husband was against it. Do you feel because he didn't help make the baby he has no say so if you hold a child for someone else? How do you feel about open marriages? Is there anything you find physically attractive about your husband. If it was gone or changed to something you didn't find appealing would you be indifferent to it?

I agree with you about attraction. But if your spouse really likes something about you, why would you subtract or detriment that? I would just want to keep that and add to it. Do you want to decide what it is your husband finds attractive about you?


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## exhaustedwife

FalconKing said:


> Do you generally feel you have the right to do what you want with your body and expect your spouse to just get over it You said you would be a surrogate even if your husband was against it. Do you feel because he didn't help make the baby he has no say so if you hold a child for someone else? How do you feel about open marriages? Is there anything you find physically attractive about your husband. If it was gone or changed to something you didn't find appealing would you be indifferent to it?
> 
> I agree with you about attraction. But if your spouse really likes something about you, why would you subtract or detriment that? I would just want to keep that and add to it. Do you want to decide what it is your husband finds attractive about you?


I asked him about surrogacy,and his feelings about it. It's not like I didn't take it into consideration. It was something I was going to do for money. And I kept his opinions close at heart while making the decision. And I wasn't going to hold him to oblige anything with it, if he did not want to. 

I love my husband for who he is, for what he is about. We are getting older. Beauty fades, and all that will be left in the end when we are too old to care about anything is ourselves. 

My husband and I met when we were 16 and 18. We were quite a cute couple back then. I have scars all over my abdomen from surgeries, stretchmarks from children. Does he love me any less because my rock hard abs aren't as pretty as they were before???? No. All of his teeth had to be removed, he gained weight, lost weight, went in and out of muscle tone. . .DO I love him any less?? No. I am sure he might miss my pretty belly, I am sure he misses seeing my face without bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and stress but no, it doesn't make me love him any more or less now. . . .not at all. 


It will be subtracted from anyway, so why not just be agreeable and see that the other will be happy and pleased with the decision to mark up their own body. . .

I used to be vain. And by all means have not let myself go. I have scars, flaws.....but he loves those too. So, if it makes her happy to have a tattoo, I say ok. If it makes me happy to be a surrogate, why not? 

The only reason I can see for a person to be so upset over a tattoo, would be if it were someone elses name. . . .or something that signified something from another man. . .say a symbol her ex liked, or her ex's name etc. . . 

When you are in a marriage, one should quickly learn to throw out vanity. I am not saying let your self go, I am just saying it's going to go anyway. You are in it for the long haul, and if you love her for her skin now, then what the heck are you going to do when you are 60 and her boobs are hitting the floor, and she is getting wrinkles? 

Why not just be happy for her, because it is what makes her happy?


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## Entropy3000

exhaustedwife said:


> I asked him about surrogacy,and his feelings about it. It's not like I didn't take it into consideration. It was something I was going to do for money. And I kept his opinions close at heart while making the decision. And I wasn't going to hold him to oblige anything with it, if he did not want to.
> 
> I love my husband for who he is, for what he is about. We are getting older. Beauty fades, and all that will be left in the end when we are too old to care about anything is ourselves.
> 
> My husband and I met when we were 16 and 18. We were quite a cute couple back then. I have scars all over my abdomen from surgeries, stretchmarks from children. Does he love me any less because my rock hard abs aren't as pretty as they were before???? No. All of his teeth had to be removed, he gained weight, lost weight, went in and out of muscle tone. . .DO I love him any less?? No. I am sure he might miss my pretty belly, I am sure he misses seeing my face without bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and stress but no, it doesn't make me love him any more or less now. . . .not at all.
> 
> 
> It will be subtracted from anyway, so why not just be agreeable and see that the other will be happy and pleased with the decision to mark up their own body. . .
> 
> I used to be vain. And by all means have not let myself go. I have scars, flaws.....but he loves those too. So, if it makes her happy to have a tattoo, I say ok. If it makes me happy to be a surrogate, why not?
> 
> The only reason I can see for a person to be so upset over a tattoo, would be if it were someone elses name. . . .or something that signified something from another man. . .say a symbol her ex liked, or her ex's name etc. . .
> 
> When you are in a marriage, one should quickly learn to throw out vanity. I am not saying let your self go, I am just saying it's going to go anyway. You are in it for the long haul, and if you love her for her skin now, then what the heck are you going to do when you are 60 and her boobs are hitting the floor, and she is getting wrinkles?
> 
> *Why not just be happy for her, because it is what makes her happy?*


This works both ways. Priorities. Why not be concerned about your partner? 

There re all sorts of personal reasons why someone would want a tattoo and there are all sorts of persoanl reasons for a spouse to be against tattoos. Since marriage is a partnership optimlly the couple will come to agreement. Nothing is as simple as juts having one spouse go along with the other because it makes them happy. It comes down to boundaries. This particular subject is best handled prior to marriage IMO.

Just being agreeable is often conflict avoidance. If what you say works for your marriage then great. It would not work for me. Having a compatible spouse is very important.


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## moxy

I wouldn't ask permission. But then, I wouldn't be with someone for whom ink was a deal breaker. We have to be honest about ourselves to our partners. And, Different strokes for different folks, right?

I lost weight for my stbxh and when it was an issue for him, grew out my hair. He chose to dress a little differently for me and occasionally keep his body hair. I think the idea is that people should care about their partners' opinions without losing themselves. Mutual respect is important. That's why I'm all for discussion, but not permission seeking, which smacks of people pleasing and control.

Every choice comes with a cost and if one's spouse sees ink as a deal breaker, then the one who wants it should factor that info into the decision, just as the spouse with the objection should be open to considering a spouse's desire for it if it is something deeply felt and important to the person considering it rather than instinctively be repulsed. It's about considering the other. Anyway, if it isn't about control and mutual respect is maintained, discussion seems like a decent thing to do. It's often less about the transgressive act and more about what the transgressive act represents that matters, I think. 

Of course, there is a difference between a tiny flower on the ankle and a massive irizumi-style sleeve, naked mermaid is different from a stylized line of poetry. What we do to our bodies represents something of our souls. I find tattoos really sexy -- but not on the face and not if they are crass or crude. Also piercings and dyed hair and stretched ears, in my opinion, are attractive. Teeth filed to points or forked tongues or sex change operations would be deal breakers for me. If my partner were considering such, I'd hope he'd mention it and ask my input. If he wants a forked tongue over a supportive and accepting woman, at least he's been honest about his values.

FYI, my stbxh is not at all into the body modification thing; I'm accepting of both and made my aesthetic choices with him in mind. So, this is all just for analogy purposes...


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## Dad&Hubby

My opinion is first tattoo is different from multiple tattoos.

If someone is getting their first tattoo, it should be talked about. If my wife had an aversion to tattoos, why would I get one. Why would I want to make myself less attractive to her for some personal satisfaction issue (that I should have inside myself already anyway). Now if I came into the relationship will full sleeves, getting another one isn't much of an issue.

I know if I came home and found out my wife had a tat done (it would be her first) without even talking to me. I'd question a lot more than just where she got it and how much it cost.


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## FalconKing

exhaustedwife said:


> I asked him about surrogacy,and his feelings about it. It's not like I didn't take it into consideration. It was something I was going to do for money. And I kept his opinions close at heart while making the decision. And I wasn't going to hold him to oblige anything with it, if he did not want to.
> 
> I love my husband for who he is, for what he is about. We are getting older. Beauty fades, and all that will be left in the end when we are too old to care about anything is ourselves.
> 
> My husband and I met when we were 16 and 18. We were quite a cute couple back then. I have scars all over my abdomen from surgeries, stretchmarks from children. Does he love me any less because my rock hard abs aren't as pretty as they were before???? No. All of his teeth had to be removed, he gained weight, lost weight, went in and out of muscle tone. . .DO I love him any less?? No. I am sure he might miss my pretty belly, I am sure he misses seeing my face without bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and stress but no, it doesn't make me love him any more or less now. . . .not at all.
> 
> 
> It will be subtracted from anyway, so why not just be agreeable and see that the other will be happy and pleased with the decision to mark up their own body. . .
> 
> I used to be vain. And by all means have not let myself go. I have scars, flaws.....but he loves those too. So, if it makes her happy to have a tattoo, I say ok. If it makes me happy to be a surrogate, why not?
> 
> The only reason I can see for a person to be so upset over a tattoo, would be if it were someone elses name. . . .or something that signified something from another man. . .say a symbol her ex liked, or her ex's name etc. . .
> 
> When you are in a marriage, one should quickly learn to throw out vanity. I am not saying let your self go, I am just saying it's going to go anyway. You are in it for the long haul, and if you love her for her skin now, then what the heck are you going to do when you are 60 and her boobs are hitting the floor, and she is getting wrinkles?
> 
> Why not just be happy for her, because it is what makes her happy?


I understand where you are coming from. I know life does many things to us. I just would still try to work what I got. I lose hair? Well hopefully I can stay in shape. I gain a lot of weight? Well hopefully I can maintain a sense of style and good hygiene. And so forth.. I just feel like me doing something to myself my spouse would not find attractive is a bit selfish. 

I've read your story. I see you have been through a lot. I think what you been through has made you strong. Also, I think maybe you just feel you will not compromise on your happiness for anyone. I can respect that. For me, I think if i marry me and my wife giving each other that kind of independence and freedom would scare me. Thank you so much for that thorough and honest post.


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## lalsr1988

I wouldn't give a damn if my wife didn't like tattoos. I like tatts and that's all that matters to me. Fortunately she does like them. Just like with my beard. I get a lot of women who say to me "your wife lets you have a beard?" Excuse me, my wife doesn't LET me do anything. Its my face, its my beard. Take it or leave it. She didn't like it at first but U kept it anyways and now she says she can't see me without one. Sorry if I come off as harsh, but its my body to do with as I like..and whoever has a problem
..tough titty
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

I never really thought about how it would affect him, but I was in a similar situation a few years ago when I went and pierced my belly button while I was with my sis. My ex was furious about it!!! :/

I would consult with my husband, but I'm still going to do what I'm going to do. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FalconKing

boogie110 said:


> Before I found out he was a cheater - yes, of course I would tell him and hope he would support me. After - I do what I want.


Perhaps there is some sort of correlation with this. I noticed that some of the posters who feel the need to do whatever they want have experienced a loss of trust or respect in their spouses. Perhaps they no longer feel the need to discuss things with their spouses because their spouses made decisions of poor judgement or without their consent. So maybe you love your spouse but you are at a place where you feel more independent and empowered and could care less about what it is your spouse likes about you. I'm just speculating. Me personally, If I were in a marriage where I was giving more and receiving less from my spouse I would probably start doing less positive things for them and more for myself. I'd put my needs first because obviously no else is. I wouldn't have much incentive for considering them in decisions I made.


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## TCSRedhead

I think it depends. Hubby and I both have and love tattoos so this wouldn't be an issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

I'm just wondering how these "sexy" tattoos will look as the wearers start to age? No tats for us thank you.


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## TCSRedhead

sandc said:


> I'm just wondering how these "sexy" tattoos will look as the wearers start to age? No tats for us thank you.


Mine still look pretty hot, thanks for asking! LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

sandc said:


> I'm just wondering how these "sexy" tattoos will look as the wearers start to age? No tats for us thank you.


:iagree::lol::rofl:


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## Needpeace

My H & I only discussed tattoo's last night.

Personally, I don't like in your face large in clear view tatt's, we both don't have any, but it's an issue that would be discussed with each other first.

We were talking about them because a lady co-worker told him she wants to buy us both a tattoo for Xmas, :scratchhead:, we were both dumbfounded by this token of giving, like we want her to own part of our bodies, thanks but no thanks,

If we were to, it would be small, inconspicuous & hold meaningful symbolism to our life.

If either of us did this without the other knowing we both would let the other know how unimpressed we were with not being consulted first.


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## ScarletBegonias

sandc said:


> I'm just wondering how these "sexy" tattoos will look as the wearers start to age? No tats for us thank you.


i'll be old and wrinkled anyway.I don't think anyone is going to be checking me out when I'm 75 so it doesn't matter what my tattoos will look like.how awesome do you plan on looking when you're in the nursing home?

 

joking aside,that's why it's best to get them where you can cover them with clothing if necessary.no leg,arm,chest,shoulder,etc tattoos for me LOL

mine can only be seen when I'm wearing tiny summer clothes or a bikini...or naked


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## Caribbean Man

No offence French Fry,
But I think beauty is in the eyes of the beholder!

This is kick-ass to me.

Ernestine Sheppard *75 yrs old*

Ernestine Shepherd: The Guinness World Record Oldest Female Body Builder


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## Caribbean Man

FrenchFry said:


> Oh it totally is, most people aren't looking at 70+ people to hold up a standard of beauty, which is why I find the whole question of wrinkly tattoos hilarious.
> By that age I fully expect to not give an f about what my skin looks like, let alone the tattoos I got when I was younger.
> 
> *That dude in the pic I posted is totally digging on his tattooed woman...which is way more beautiful to me than what they did with their wrinkly flesh!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I read you loud and clear!


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## discouraged1

Jane_Doe said:


> I do believe in personal bodily integrity, that your body is yours and no one else's (not even your spouse's). But I think keeping such a drastic thing a secret is a symptom of something wrong in your marriage. The fact that you can't decide whether to show your true feelings or sweep them under the rug is another symptom.
> 
> How is the communication between you guys in general? Are you always skirting around one another, worrying about their reaction, hoping they 'realise' what you think/feel? Or are you usually up-front and honest, aside from this one circumstance?


Sorry for the late replies but I have been off the grid for awhile. Let me say that she does have another tattoo but it is near her bikini line and small. We have said multiple times that a visible tattoo was not what either of us wanted. Communication not the greatest but she is like talking to a brick wall.


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## discouraged1

discouraged1 said:


> So would you ladies talk to your husband first before getting a visible tattoo?
> Would you go get a visible tattoo while your husband is out of town... all of your coworkers and family know and you tell your husband when he gets back?


Sorry everyone I have been offline for awhile.. I did not expect this type of response to my post.
My wife does have a small tattoo already, not visible.. this one is on her foot and visible.
I am not happy because she did this out of the blue and while I was away. We have talked briefly about the visible tattoo thing and I thought we were on the same page.. as a matter of fact she had mixed words with a friend (female) of ours about the placement of her tattoo. My wife basically telling her she would regret it.. 
Honestly this makes me sick to my stomach as I know everytime we are out and about she has the stamp on her.
I think she crossed the line on multiple levels... I have not had the discussion about it with her yet do to some personal issues she is dealing with right now. It is coming soon though.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Absolutely! Also, I thought about getting a second tattoo. I got one the day I turned 18, which was a mistake. I don't like it at all, but I do like tattoos if done tastefully.

My husband hates tattoos, but it didn't stop him from marrying me. After I told him I wanted another, which would be very easily hidden, he said to make sure it's something I really want. He also said wait a year just to make sure it's what I want to do.

It's been 4-5 years since our conversation. I never got that second tattoo. I don't know if I ever will, but if I get that tattoo itch, I'll have this discussion again. 

Something like this needs to be discussed as I think it's a big issue. My husband also supports me in everything, even if I want a tattoo.

Also, if the tables were turned and I hated tattoos, I'd support my husbands decision as well and would okay it.


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## discouraged1

So she doesn't care that I don't like it... and says it never even crossed her mind to ask me about it! No respect. Which pushes me even further away.
I will find someone that wants to be with me and respects me one day!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My husband wouldn't care what I got as long as it wasn't too costly, I would not need his approval of what it was. He knows I would never get anything crazy. I'm sure he'd be upset if I blew $600-800 on a huge tattoo that covered my entire leg. I highly doubt I'll ever get another tattoo though. 

Our relationship is different. We don't have any expectations of one another. We are also extremely supportive of each other. Even hobbies he wants nothing to do with. We both have full respect for each other. There is never any resentments between us ever. My hubby and I are great communicators and we compromise on everything. 

I don't think your argument is really about tattoos. It seems like it goes much deeper then that. I can hear the anger and resentment your holding. I'm sure your wife's doing the same thing. I've seen this same exact scenario go on with friends I know and it did not end well. There was much more going on then just a tattoo. 

Good luck. I hope you two can work things out.


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## discouraged1

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband wouldn't care what I got as long as it wasn't too costly, I would not need his approval of what it was. He knows I would never get anything crazy. I'm sure he'd be upset if I blew $600-800 on a huge tattoo that covered my entire leg. I highly doubt I'll ever get another tattoo though.
> 
> Our relationship is different. We don't have any expectations of one another. We are also extremely supportive of each other. Even hobbies he wants nothing to do with. We both have full respect for each other. There is never any resentments between us ever. My hubby and I are great communicators and we compromise on everything.
> 
> I don't think your argument is really about tattoos. It seems like it goes much deeper then that. I can hear the anger and resentment your holding. I'm sure your wife's doing the same thing. I've seen this same exact scenario go on with friends I know and it did not end well. There was much more going on then just a tattoo.
> 
> Good luck. I hope you two can work things out.


Thanks for the response and yes it does go deeper than this... it's just icing on the cake. It is awesome you and your hubby have a supportive relationship. I am always wrong no matter what I do so it will be great when the day comes someone is in my corner!


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## discouraged1

discouraged1 said:


> Thanks for the response and yes it does go deeper than this... it's just icing on the cake. It is awesome you and your hubby have a supportive relationship. I am always wrong no matter what I do so it will be great when the day comes someone is in my corner!


BTW she did pay way too much for a little tattoo as well!


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## Pandakiss

i have been thinking about this for a while, if i never said one word about getting inked, i would def say something before hand, and talk about placement, and size and whatnot.

if i have been bangin on for a good decade about how i need to do this, than you cant be surprised i went out and got a tat. 

if i have one already, then is a goo 9 outta 10 chance i will get another one, and price does factor in...mine could run[the current one i have] a good 350-400 i would say at the least.

my husband has put off his tats because of price once or twice, but i know he has a small fund for them as well. my husband didnt tell me when he got his done, just came home with it...but i knew for a very long time he wanted one, i was kinda like why didnt you tell me....but then it didnt matter, its something he needed to do.

just like mine is something i need to do. i might/might not feel the need to call him or tell him when i go in for another one. but we talk about placement, and size, and content over months and months.


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## Tikii

Ask his opinion, yes, his permission, no. It's still my body. With both I have he was with me, but I'd still have gotten them had he not been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy

discouraged1 said:


> So she doesn't care that I don't like it... and says it never even crossed her mind to ask me about it! No respect. Which pushes me even further away.
> I will find someone that wants to be with me and respects me one day!


So is this a deal-breaker (or the last straw on an overall issue that is a deal-breaker)? Is it something you can work through, or do you think you are done?


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## discouraged1

Tall Average Guy said:


> So is this a deal-breaker (or the last straw on an overall issue that is a deal-breaker)? Is it something you can work through, or do you think you are done?


One of the last straws I can take... now on top of all the other issues I will be reminded every time we go out somewhere. She rarely wears tennis shoes, mostly sandals and flip flops. Even with dress shoes on it will be visible!
I see trashy... with visible tattoos! A private (which I like)or for your eyes only (tasteful) small one is dirty and sexy all at the same time. Not to mention how do I introduce my wife at any company or social outing with it! They all will immediately think she is a ho trash bag. Perception is reality!


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