# so lost



## destinywieberg39

soooo, here it is. my husband has a thing for betrayal or so it seems, he went out of state and the moment his plane landed instead of contacting me he was seeking a prostitute. i had no clue, he got home and was odd, he left his phone in his truck one day i went to go get it for him and found multiple messages between him and whores, we had a few words and all he could do was walk out the door and leave then text me and tell me it is my fault. I asked him if he had sex or oral sex or met up with any of them he swears no, but still acts like he is burdened by something, that same week he goes to las Vegas for a job interview and is a total **** to me on the phone the entire time he is gone, he lost all of our money in the casinos and managed to rent a car in his name for a total stranger not only did he put the car in his name he put it on his credit card. he tells me nothing of this, i have to send him money to come home with and meet him halfway, well i find out about this car and that he now may have a warrant for his arrest, he tells me I wasn't supposed to find out about this. well i guess same goes for prostitutes also. I am mad, angry, hurt and destroyed, i look in the mirror and question everything about who i thought i was, I feel my marriage is over i am unsure of what i am holding on to, we now have to move out of home and have no money to go anywhere, we are self-employed as a team so no work, i feel betrayed and defeated and i just want to disappear. i have always thought myself to be a good person that is loving and kind, i have always thought i may not be beautiful with a perfect body but i am not terrible to look at, i have had 4 kids and i have some health problems but i clean up every day and i take care of myself, i keep a clean home, i have done everything i know to do and i feel like i am not good enough. i want to scream and yell and hit him. i want to ask him why me why us and how could he, and for him to get mad at me for having an attitude for him to tell me its my fault he has done these things. i just want someone to put their arms around me and let me cry.


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## sokillme

Hello, sorry you are here. (First thing, you shouldn't use a picture of your face as your avatar because with reverse search someone could use it to find your identity.)

Dear lady there is no - GOOD ENOUGH in relationships at least when it comes to reasons for cheating, please stop talking like this. You are raising his 4 kids, and he can't be loyal enough to you so that orgasm isn't more important. That's bull****. Nah that is all on him.

Listen people cheat because of a lack of character, no other reason. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT! I know this because there are people in terrible relationships who don't cheat and folks in great ones who do. ONE MORE TIME. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WORTH, NOTHING. So many people get cheated on, the experience is universal. So often there is nothing the betrayed spouse (BS) can do because the problem is the Wayward Spouse's (WS) nature. It's like the story of the scorpion and the frog.

Now this next part will probably be hard to hear, but generally speaking when a man goes on vacation and the first thing he does is get a prostitute, there is a good chance that this is a typical thing for him. Something he has been doing for a long time. Besides this other trouble he got into, it sounds like to me your husband has some serious stuff going on that you have no idea about. Cheaters lie and they are really good at it.

I know this sucks to read, I don't like writing it but you need to really have your guard up now, I would bet that you have no idea who your husband really is. You need to protect your kids. Again I am not trying to scare you but to warn you. Honestly, I believe 85% of your chances of success in you marriage happens at the point when you pick someone. Sometimes you just don't have a chance. Unless you deal with someone who can lie and cheat you have no context to see the red flags.

Now I am sorry I had to be all doom and gloom here, I know you are suffering. Unfortunately it's probably going to be like this for a while. But I promise you, even though it doesn't feel like it, YOU WILL RECOVER. We all did. It will be hard for a little while but you will, eventually you will even have joy again. Surround yourself with friends and family. Focus on your kids. Detach from your husband. And when you start feeling a little better, please give yourself permission to have hope, because there is nothing wrong with you, and there is hope left.


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## jlg07

This is not you -- you trusted your H which is what a good wife and person does. The problem is your H is NOT worthy of that trust. Him seeing hookers and blaming YOU?? PURE BS. That is 100% on him. Doing whatever he pulled in Vegas -- again ALL him and shows you his true character. You had an image of who you thought he was -- now he has shown you who he TRULY is.

This has NOTHING with YOU not being good enough -- it is 100% that HE is not good enough. He is just trying to turn it around on you -- that is just a manipulation technique.

Get to a laywer ASAP so that you can at least see what divorce would look like -- child custody/support, alimony, finances, etc.. BTW, did you get a copy of those messages from his phone? I hope you did -- keep them safe.

Start trying to find a different job that you can work without him being involved. Also start doing the 180 (The 180) -- this will help you to detach emotionally from him.

Do you have family/friends you can lean on? If not (and even if you DO), you may want to seek individual counseling for yourself. Sleep, eat right, exercise to help you de-stress -- work on YOU and your relationship with your kids. He should no longer be your priority (or even ON your list of priorities).


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## EleGirl

@destinywieberg39 

I sent you a private message. It looks like you are using your real name and photo. It's better to remain anonymous here on TAM. Please check your private messages. 

Here's how you find the private message section. Click on your icon in the top right corner of the screen. When the popup menu appears, click on "Conversations".


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## EleGirl

destinywieberg39 said:


> soooo, here it is. my husband has a thing for betrayal or so it seems, he went out of state and the moment his plane landed instead of contacting me he was seeking a prostitute. i had no clue, he got home and was odd, he left his phone in his truck one day i went to go get it for him and found multiple messages between him and whores, we had a few words and all he could do was walk out the door and leave then text me and tell me it is my fault. I asked him if he had sex or oral sex or met up with any of them he swears no, but still acts like he is burdened by something, that same week he goes to las Vegas for a job interview and is a total **** to me on the phone the entire time he is gone, he lost all of our money in the casinos and managed to rent a car in his name for a total stranger not only did he put the car in his name he put it on his credit card. he tells me nothing of this, i have to send him money to come home with and meet him halfway, well i find out about this car and that he now may have a warrant for his arrest, he tells me I wasn't supposed to find out about this. well i guess same goes for prostitutes also. I am mad, angry, hurt and destroyed, i look in the mirror and question everything about who i thought i was, I feel my marriage is over i am unsure of what i am holding on to, we now have to move out of home and have no money to go anywhere, we are self-employed as a team so no work, i feel betrayed and defeated and i just want to disappear. i have always thought myself to be a good person that is loving and kind, i have always thought i may not be beautiful with a perfect body but i am not terrible to look at, i have had 4 kids and i have some health problems but i clean up every day and i take care of myself, i keep a clean home, i have done everything i know to do and i feel like i am not good enough. i want to scream and yell and hit him. i want to ask him why me why us and how could he, and for him to get mad at me for having an attitude for him to tell me its my fault he has done these things. i just want someone to put their arms around me and let me cry.


He's telling you that it's your fault to deflect his own guilt. He knows that what he is doing is horribly wrong. So, it's easier to just blame you.

How long have you married to this man? Is he the father of your 4 children? Did you raise 4 children with this man? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you have been married to him for a long time and suddenly, he's acting very much out of character. Or is this a fairly new marriage and you are only now finally finding out who he really is.

All of this is on him. You have zero responsibility for his bad behavior and mistreatment of you.

Do you have any friends or family who you can live with for a while so you can find a job and get enough money saved to rent a place to live?

Is your husband still working and earning money? Or is he now also unemployed?

Also, if you have no money, you can go to the welfare office and get at least EBT (food stamps) and maybe even some cash to get you over the hump.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.


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## thunderchad

Leave this lying, cheating loser.


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## BeyondRepair007

I can hear from your post how much you're looking for an answer to the "what went wrong" question.
And you're looking at yourself for what you might have done or said or didn't do or say.

Don't do this to yourself. You won't get any answers there.
All this bad behavior is 100% on him and his brokenness.

In a real marriage if you're unhappy about something you talk to the spouse and work it out.
Going outside the marriage is NEVER justifiable.

He was never in a real marriage.
It looks to me like you were never married to the person you thought you were.

Now you have to regroup and start planning life without him.
Get him out of your head, let him go. 
Start focusing on taking care of yourself and kids.

I'm so sorry you are here but please take care of yourself and those little lives.


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## Trustless Marriage

The only one that should be looking in the mirror is the dirtbag you married. This dirtbag has no respect for you and probably considers you property more than anything. The damage has been done. Don't count on him changing. Save what is left of your life and get out.


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## QuietGuy

Please get this man out of your life as soon as possible. He is extremely broken and will ruin you emotionally, financially and every other way. None of his actions are your fault. They are 100% his and it is difficult to see how he could ever be a safe partner. Don't walk, Run. Save yourself. Run fast.


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