# Depressed Wife on Meds & No Drive



## samboliajones (Jan 3, 2015)

I have a depressed wife on my hands. She's on meds, and not freaking out anymore. I've changed my behaviors over the past 2 years, and things have turned around. She still sleeps 11 hours a day, and I do about 75% of everything, including making 70% of the money. Watching kids, doing chores, paying bills, cleaning up, etc... We had gone to counseling a while ago, and were able to rectify some issues, but the no sex thing is touchy and it's killing me. 

We go for weeks/months without it, and I'm always the one initiating. I have to basically give her the pary-line that it's good for the marriage and if you want a healthy relationship we should do it regularly. I try very hard at making life enjoyable. We go out for dinner, I buy her stylish dresses (Marc Jacobs, Klein, Lucky Brand), Jewelry, and designer bags. We've been having a lot of fun. But, still there's no sex and no initiation. 

When we do manage to do it, she's disinterested. And, every time I bring it up, I become more resentful. I'm having panic attacks over the thought of bringing it up again. I'm extremely tired of this routine, and am tired of going to the counselor. I think it might be the meds, but I can't totally be sure. She doesn't tell the psych doc anything, and that doesn't help either. 

I'm at the point where I want to stop doing what I'm doing, and just have an affair. I don't want to break up, but I don't think I deserve this anymore. I'm tired of having her go to bed at 8pm with no intimacy.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Depression meds can lower sex drive.
I was also on a med that made me tired and need to sleep too much. I had more energy with my untreated depression. 
She can try other meds, adjust the dose. Can you go with her to the Dr to help explain what's going on?
Can you explain how you initiate? Does she enjoy sex when you have it?


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I agree, depression meds are the worst and most dangerous. I guess the thinking is "if you are always sleeping, you won't be depressed". In my opinion, meds are never the answer. When you start messing with your natural brain signals, nothing good becomes of it. Sadly, doctors are all about money instead of curing people. I agree with SGC, go with her to the doctor and explain how bad things have gotten and maybe wean her off of them. As long as she is "drugged up", you're out of luck I'm afraid.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

woundedwarrior said:


> I agree, depression meds are the worst and most dangerous. I guess the thinking is "if you are always sleeping, you won't be depressed". In my opinion, meds are never the answer. When you start messing with your natural brain signals, nothing good becomes of it. Sadly, doctors are all about money instead of curing people. I agree with SGC, go with her to the doctor and explain how bad things have gotten and maybe wean her off of them. As long as she is "drugged up", you're out of luck I'm afraid.


Depression messes with natural brain signals. The right meds in the right dose fixes that. I am now on the right meds and I feel like myself again. I am not drugged up, I am simply me. 
I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression in my post. I do not agree with going off meds if she needs them, just finding the right ones for her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sleeping 11hrs a day isn't normal. Something's not working or not right. I suspect the wrong drugs or the wrong dosages.


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## samboliajones (Jan 3, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sleeping 11hrs a day isn't normal. Something's not working or not right. I suspect the wrong drugs or the wrong dosages.


I agree. The 11 hours a day is killing me and it's killing our family. She's literally in bed before the kids. She has always slept a lot (probably due to being depressed for most of her life). I think she likes the sleep and likes the current routine. If I'm willing to put up with it, doing the majority of chores, then she's content with the status-quo. I used to challenge this by being much more independent and go-getting. But, that all stopped when she had a break down a few years ago.


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## samboliajones (Jan 3, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Depression meds can lower sex drive.
> I was also on a med that made me tired and need to sleep too much. I had more energy with my untreated depression.
> She can try other meds, adjust the dose. Can you go with her to the Dr to help explain what's going on?
> Can you explain how you initiate? Does she enjoy sex when you have it?


I want to go with her to the doctor. But, she's reluctant. I know she lies to the doctors because when she had a breakdown she refused to tell the doctor about her depressed mood and actions. I had to tell her GP about everything that was going on, and the GP was very upset. That's what got her on the psych meds. 

I initiate in different ways. It might be date night with kids in bed when we get home. But, its too late, she has to go to sleep right away. It might be spare of the moment. Tons of compliments, lots of smiles. She appreciates them all. There is PDA, and hugs, but later on there's nothing to speak of. She usually acts like "let's get this over with" if we do end up having sex. It's very frustrating. The phrase is "Oh, just stick it in." 

Edit: I do try to please her with "helping" her before I start, but there's usually a ton of push back involved.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

May I ask what meds she is currently taking? If that's too nosy or TMI, you can refrain from answering. I'm just asking because different classes of meds have different effects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samboliajones (Jan 3, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> May I ask what meds she is currently taking? If that's too nosy or TMI, you can refrain from answering. I'm just asking because different classes of meds have different effects.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, it's cool. She's on effexor.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

samboliajones said:


> No, it's cool. She's on effexor.


That's the one I'm currently on. Taking it at night seems to help some people if it makes them tired, so can upping the dose- even though it sounds like it would make it worse. If she's on 75 or lower, I'd see if she'd try the 150. That's where a lot of people say the tiredness stopped.


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## samboliajones (Jan 3, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> That's the one I'm currently on. Taking it at night seems to help some people if it makes them tired, so can upping the dose- even though it sounds like it would make it worse. If she's on 75 or lower, I'd see if she'd try the 150. That's where a lot of people say the tiredness stopped.


She's at 150. Two big pills a day.

I guess I'm wondering if she should be on a different med? How do I break the cycle of sleeping for 11 hours. How do I break the cycle of doing everything and her not even initiating? I feel like a slave at times, and totally unappreciated. I'm so tired of the fighting and the working to help her pull out of the depression. Then even if she's happy, there's no sex.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

samboliajones said:


> She's at 150. Two big pills a day.
> 
> I guess I'm wondering if she should be on a different med? How do I break the cycle of sleeping for 11 hours. How do I break the cycle of doing everything and her not even initiating? I feel like a slave at times, and totally unappreciated. I'm so tired of the fighting and the working to help her pull out of the depression. Then even if she's happy, there's no sex.


She has to be willing to work on herself. It's not fair to you to do all the work. Meds are just 1 part of the solution. She should try new ones but she has to want things to change too. I'd say put your foot down. She either starts working towards fixing this or it's over. You can't expect a magical change overnight but she should be working with you to get there.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Depression messes with natural brain signals. The right meds in the right dose fixes that. I am now on the right meds and I feel like myself again. I am not drugged up, I am simply me.
> I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression in my post. I do not agree with going off meds if she needs them, just finding the right ones for her.


I didn't mean to mislead the OP either, I am just so anti drugs, unless they are necessary and anti depressants are the worst. I know two friends whose kids committed suicide while on them and my nephew has tried twice. They have changed drugs, doses, strengths so many times, he is barely recognizable as he was 3 years ago. I'm probably the wrong person to comment when it comes to putting stuff in your body that doesn't belong.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

"The phrase is "Oh, just stick it in.""

Wow. That's romantic. Have you talked with her about this? What does she say? I'm sorry. It sounds like she was low energy before the meds too. The meds are supposed to make her feel better. But it doesn't sound like she wants to make any changes. You have been the proactive one about this. Does she see a therapist?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

samboliajones said:


> I want to go with her to the doctor. But, she's reluctant. I know she lies to the doctors because when she had a breakdown she refused to tell the doctor about her depressed mood and actions. I had to tell her GP about everything that was going on, and the GP was very upset. That's what got her on the psych meds.
> .


So she gets her psych mess from GP? Take her to the psychiatrist for real psychiatric evaluation. If she sleeps eleven hours and does nothing around the house those meds are not working. It takes time to find the right ****tail mix. Not mentioning individual counseling should be a must.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm not hearing any upside to being married to this shrew. Why not just move on to someone who loves you?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

3 problems with effexor; 1) it conks out for no known reason for many people, 2) it has the weird effect that if you up the dose it stops working if you lower the dose later, 3) has the worst cessation effects of them all.

I'd also add that effexor has the shortest metabolic half life of all SNRIs so you have to be religious with taking it on time. People can experience cessation effects in as few as 7-11hrs past the time they're supposed to take it. And - importantly if you're on a 2 pill a day regimen then you HAVE to take it twice a day spread out by that same 7-11 hr range. 

Normally when SSRIs/SNRIs make you sleepy you can get away with taking them at bedtime and sleep off the rest of them. Not with this one.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Sorry to hear about your difficulties and an issue like this in life can knock hell out of all involved. You mentioned in first post 2 years if this has been going on that long I would strongly suggest you stepping in and talking to her care providers. SSRI are useful drugs and short to midterm use can stabilise people enough to get them back on track give them room to see the light but if this is 2 years you got to be asking health care where are we going here, what is care plan, right she is functional to a point how do we move it on. Remember depression she will not be at her best and you really need to take her by the hand and help her and maybe be more involved and pushy than you’re comfortable with. Even booking an appointment with GP and getting her to sign they can discuss case with you someone needs o take a hold of these issues your marriage is obviously suffering and your going to end up in a worse way than her. 

SSRI will effect her libido and well in short if your blue as well last feelings you have is being all sexy with your husband so no quick fix could be cruel and say it probably takes a huge effort from her to say go on then get it done. So get her proper health care with a clear care plan and work at building her up. Lots of fun days out and physical exercise, start feeding in the compliments on how well she is doing and building her confidence and self esteem again only then will the bedroom stuff come together and hey be sneaky tell her doctor told you to will make her feel better natural endorphins get turned on lots of chemicals flood the body great excuse for a naughty game of doctor and nurse if you ask me. 

Hope it all comes together for you beak her out of the just getting by routine you seem to have fallen into and aim for a good life together.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

samboliajones said:


> She's at 150. Two big pills a day.
> 
> I guess I'm wondering if she should be on a different med? How do I break the cycle of sleeping for 11 hours. How do I break the cycle of doing everything and her not even initiating? I feel like a slave at times, and totally unappreciated. I'm so tired of the fighting and the working to help her pull out of the depression. Then even if she's happy, there's no sex.


I can honestly tell you many years ago when my wife was suffering with depression she was on Effexor 150 twice a day. Our sex life was still good. If anything Effexor worked well.

I found out from experience that altough your wife might be depressed she will play on this big time when it suits her.

Lets look at it objectively, at present You make most the money, pull half the housework if not more, whilst she sleeps 11 hours a day, has husband substitute her share of the housework, and gets bought nice things, and doesn't have to put out sex to boot.

Life is great for her. Unfortunately until you start giving her some consequences for her actions nothing will ever change. In short i believe your wife is taking the pi..ss


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, how long has she been diagnosed with depression and what was her sex drive like before her diagnosis? How many married years have you had with her in which you could say you had something resembling a "normal" sex life?


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## dealing (Sep 30, 2014)

I feel for you as im experiencing the same thing, lethargic always tired just stick it in etc


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