# Be in-love but still cheat?



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Interesting conversation today. Bunch of guys talking about cheating,, all admitting that they have. I asked if they were in love with there wives??? Why cheat. Couple said they are madly in love but the passion fades and the temptation is great plus the women todsy are more aggressive and don't care if your married. 
I never cheated so I thought I would ask here. I did look up some statistics sbd they say 8 out of 10 men cheat. Wow!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If you define love as a feeling, I guess swabbing walking commodes with your stick and then going and sticking it in your wife really is love.

Right.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

rep said:


> Interesting conversation today. Bunch of guys talking about cheating,, all admitting that they have. I asked if they were in love with there wives??? Why cheat. Couple said they are madly in love but the passion fades and the temptation is great plus the women todsy are more aggressive and don't care if your married.
> I never cheated so I thought I would ask here. I did look up some statistics sbd they say 8 out of 10 men cheat. Wow!!


honestly, and as a man mind you, they are full of ****. if you are able to lie, decieve, manipualte, break vows, hurt the one you swore to protect then guess what...you aren't in love

they are full of ****

and while the 8 out of 10 maybe true, that seems high to me, women are doing that just as much now


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

People define in-love and love so many different ways these days. The moment I think I've heard it all, someone says something new that sounds ridiculous to me. 

IMO being "in-love" has everything to do with emotions, and real love supersedes feelings. Cheating is completely based on self-love, so being "in-love" has nothing to do with it.


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## 'CuseGal (Feb 5, 2015)

This breaks my heart. If you are truly madly in love you aren't going to do anything that will hurt your spouse that badly if they find out. Wonder how these same guys would feel if they found out their wives were cheating too?

I can guarantee if their wives found out, they wouldn't feel very loved.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Stat sounds bogus.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

That's the advantage of polyamory and some other unconventional relationships. You can be deeply in love and still love others and have sex with others without any cheating, lying, or deception.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> That's the advantage of polyamory and some other unconventional relationships. You can be deeply in love and still love others and have sex with others without any cheating, lying, or deception.


I can't, but glad it works for you.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Love is not an exclusive emotion. Love is a biological response to neural connections formed in the brain. See my link below in Fog v. love. We all love multiple people. We love our spouses, mothers, children and others in our family. All of this is love to different degrees. 

That there can be only one true love is a myth. Downgrading all other relationships as not "real" love is contradictory to biology and chemistry. 

You can be in love with your wife and someone else at the same time.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sure. I classify real love as action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> I can't, but glad it works for you.


Some people are monogamous by nature, some are not. Most are also heavily influenced by social expectations and conditioning, and some can overcome that thinking. I would never claim that one is better than the other, just better for some people than others.

My take: be happy, whatever you choose.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Sure. I classify real love as action.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actions made in response to the predilections of the neural connections that exist.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I can't know

I do know I wouldn't trust myself if a gorgeous lady got naked in front of mean and wanted to give me a blowjob.... I'd have a hard time thinking about forsaking all others. 

I'm weak.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

meson said:


> Love is not an exclusive emotion. Love is a biological response to neural connections formed in the brain. See my link below in Fog v. love. We all love multiple people. We love our spouses, mothers, children and others in our family. All of this is love to different degrees.
> 
> That there can be only one true love is a myth. Downgrading all other relationships as not "real" love is contradictory to biology and chemistry.
> 
> You can be in love with your wife and someone else at the same time.



Love is tied to the reward center, and rarely if ever we love two people the same amount. If my siblings and me all needed an organ transplant, I know which child my mother would save. True that you can love multiple people, but only to a certain extent. We are only capable of forming a number of intimate attachments.

A poly therapist researched showed over a 50 percent divorce rate in her community. The average poly marriage in her area lasts on 6 years on average. Her research showed the more people involved, the faster the group marriage breakdown.

On reddit, look up the thread from primary to secondary. The op was planning on marrying his gf, but his gf fell more DEEPLY in love with another man. He was originally suppose to be the father to her children, and she wanted someone else instead to be the father. Plus, he asked her if she had to pick someone, whom would she picked, whom would it be. Needless to say, it is not him. She loved them both, but she loved the other person more.

You cannot equate biological attachment to ones we choose to form either. There is a breakdown of people whom do not at least spend 15 to 20 hours of quality time. Hell, another poster on reddit was relegated to the back seat, and he was the father of her children. His wife ended up loving her bf more than her husband. She is more fulfilled with her bf. He is second place in her life, and he is miserable. Hell, if I had to choose whom to save for my siblings, I know whom I would pick. I do not even love my siblings the same amount. My bond with them are on different levels. A man can love his wife and his gf, but his attachment to his gf can be stronger than his bond to his wife, because his gf could light up his reward center higher than his wife. If he is only 70 percent fullfilled in his marriage while his gf fulfills 80 percent of his needs, which person is he likely more to choose, and would his wife be okay with her husband loving someone more than her. Some people can do it, they do not mind being secondaries.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Mr.Fisty said:


> _Love is tied to the reward center, and rarely if ever we love two people the same amount. _ If my siblings and me all needed an organ transplant, I know which child my mother would save. True that you can love multiple people, but only to a certain extent. We are only capable of forming a number of intimate attachments.
> 
> A poly therapist researched showed over a 50 percent divorce rate in her community. The average poly marriage in her area lasts on 6 years on average. Her research showed the more people involved, the faster the group marriage breakdown.
> 
> ...


Love is certainly not egalitarian. Love is ephemeral unless it is reinforced. Whom we love and to what degree can and does change with time. 

There is an old saying about what kept a marriage for so many years. The answer was that they didn't both fall out of love at the same time. That saying is meant to be humorous but there is some truth to it.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Love, depends what sort. I say the word all the time, sometimes it's endearing, but mainly because I just love the of sound it, underrated. The giggly love is ok, for a giggle, whereas the other stuff is far more serious and should never be undertaken lightly. I also say 'I love you" to family, friends and whoever I think worthy of the word.....I say it to the pet guinea pigs all the time, they seem non-plussed by it and go on their way. The important thing is, is to say it, they are nice words and life is far too short for all the other awful stuff. Be Good xxx


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## bastian36 (Feb 11, 2015)

rep said:


> Interesting conversation today. Bunch of guys talking about cheating,, all admitting that they have. I asked if they were in love with there wives??? Why cheat. Couple said they are madly in love but the passion fades and the temptation is great plus the women todsy are more aggressive and don't care if your married.
> I never cheated so I thought I would ask here. I did look up some statistics sbd they say 8 out of 10 men cheat. Wow!!


Love and passion are 2 completely different things. If you're in love, you don't cheat. If you feel passion, you shouldn't talk about love.

Basically, those who cheat their loved ones, don't love them.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> *Some people are monogamous by nature, some are not.* Most are also heavily influenced by social expectations and conditioning, and some can overcome that thinking. I would never claim that one is better than the other, just better for some people than others.
> 
> *My take: be happy, whatever you choose.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Just FWIW - MY take: some people are lying, cheating, self-centered deceivers - some are honest, faithful and not completely self-absorbed in "whatever makes ME happy".


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

'CuseGal said:


> This breaks my heart. If you are truly madly in love you aren't going to do anything that will hurt your spouse that badly if they find out. Wonder how these same guys would feel if they found out their wives were cheating too?
> 
> I can guarantee if their wives found out, they wouldn't feel very loved.


:iagree:


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

LOVE or LUST, never get the two mixed up, complicated! Be on your best behaviour at all times and if you can't get away with kissing the so called person in the busiest pub or bar then don't even go there. LOVE, such a lovely word don't you think? I shall say it several times over today and the next and the next.....Be Good xxx


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Love and lust are very closely tied together. Picture your favorite romantic story, and remove any sexual attraction (make the two people the same sex and straight....). Try it on say Titanic and see how the story seems. (or Romeo and Juliette, or Pride and Prejudice, etc etc).

When you love one person you don't lose you attraction to others.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> honestly, and as a man mind you, they are full of ****. if you are able to lie, decieve, manipualte, break vows, hurt the one you swore to protect then guess what...you aren't in love
> 
> they are full of ****
> 
> and while the 8 out of 10 maybe true, that seems high to me, women are doing that just as much now


This

Plus, whatever "men" (it sounds like boys) you were around......stay away from them, they are pieces of ****.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes I believe you can cheat on someone you're in love with. In fact I think it's quite common, especially for men.

I've never bought the bunk that you wouldn't cheat on someone that you truly love. People do selfish, destructive things against people they truly love all the time. I also don't think all cheating is indicative of a relationship problem. Some people do cheat purely for raw sexual reasons alone.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> On reddit, look up the thread from primary to secondary. The op was planning on marrying his gf, but his gf fell more DEEPLY in love with another man. He was originally suppose to be the father to her children, and she wanted someone else instead to be the father. Plus, he asked her if she had to pick someone, whom would she picked, whom would it be. Needless to say, it is not him. She loved them both, but she loved the other person more.
> 
> You cannot equate biological attachment to ones we choose to form either. There is a breakdown of people whom do not at least spend 15 to 20 hours of quality time. Hell, another poster on reddit was relegated to the back seat, and he was the father of her children. His wife ended up loving her bf more than her husband. She is more fulfilled with her bf. He is second place in her life, and he is miserable. Hell, if I had to choose whom to save for my siblings, I know whom I would pick. I do not even love my siblings the same amount. My bond with them are on different levels. A man can love his wife and his gf, but his attachment to his gf can be stronger than his bond to his wife, because his gf could light up his reward center higher than his wife. If he is only 70 percent fullfilled in his marriage while his gf fulfills 80 percent of his needs, which person is he likely more to choose, and would his wife be okay with her husband loving someone more than her. Some people can do it, they do not mind being secondaries.


Could someone link those Reddits?

I can not imagine being willing to play second to a cheating wife. That is why my ex is EX. I loved her. She destroyed that connection. I would have willingly walked in front of a bullet for her. It hurt like HELL to find I have been replaced. I am now only beginning to admit to myself that I may some day love again. (BTW Thanks to the five-ish people on my thread who kicked my butt in that area. Ill say it again to make you feel good. You were all right.) Im not in love or anything and nothing on the horizon but the future is blank rather than me saying never.

I would rather date my right hand and be a life subscriber of some porn site for the rest of my life than let my GF/Wife put me second in her life to someone else. I of course will make her first in turn. Its Plan A or plan nothing.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I think some folks do a lot of rationalizing and justifying their behavior so they can live with themselves.

Love is an emotion that includes a partiality-I love *that person but not that person. Love fights for exclusivity. Of course there are different levels to that emotion. It starts with an infatuation, then lust, then a more comfortable familiarity. But I do not believe for one minute you can truly love someone and willingly cheat, anymore than I believe you can love two people at the same time.

I acknowledge that it is possible to love someone, cheat, and fall in love again with your spouse. There are successful R's on this cite. So its possible, but not with me.*


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Love is a word. Marriage and commitment is an act. What you say is of no meaning if it is not backed by action. I should know as I am the King of the Universe.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

No, I don't think its possible to Love your partner and then cheat on him/her. 

The love you feel for the other person would preclude your ability to do something so horribly damaging to the other. BUT

Do I think cheaters love their spouse...yes, many do i am sure. But in the moment that they commit to the act of infidelity- part of that love died- the part that puts the well being of the other on top of their priority list -the part that allows them to see through the eyes of their partner and feel empathy and respect and so on. 

It's that moment -right before the act occurs, when the love is tested. Many fail -that loved died. But many -regret the act -and over time -love their spouse again- if they are lucky -the love has evolved into something greater than it once was that created the circumstance for infidelity. The wounded and healed heart is far stronger than the untested. 

Just as the BS -I believe they can love and despise the WS at the same time. It makes sense. They mourning a death -the death of the perceived future they had. The future they expected before the event -is dead. Many, if lucky and strong, will create a new future, better than the other.

Sticky thing Love....It is, like us, ever evolving, growing, changing. Imperfect and dangerous. But worth it anyway.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

frankman said:


> I would rather date my right hand and be a life subscriber of some porn site for the rest of my life than let my GF/Wife put me second in her life to someone else. I of course will make her first in turn. Its Plan A or plan nothing.



That's my take on it. No you can't be in love and cheat. It's all or nothing. Once you cheat it takes something away from the relationship you have with your SO. The cheater respects the partner less.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Married but Happy said:
> 
> 
> > Some people are monogamous by nature, some are not. Most are also heavily influenced by social expectations and conditioning, and some can overcome that thinking. I would never claim that one is better than the other, just better for some people than others.
> ...


I agree. Those who prioritize their own happiness over that of others can never truly love anyone but themselves. That was a big part of my ex's justification for cheating. "But it's making me happy, so it must be okay!" and never once thought about how this happiness came at the expense of my own.

If you can cheat, you are no longer 'in love' with your spouse. Love comes with respect included. You may still love what they provide for you, but you don't love THEM.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Sticking to the original question of loving your partner while cheating my answer is a resounding no. Cheating implies a breaking of the rules or vows. Cheating is not honest and a highly dishonorable action be it in sport, cards or marriage.

Those that knowingly break the rules are doing so for their own advantage. Self serving actions may be an act of love but they are directed at ones self.

What do you think, did Lance Armstrong love the sport of cycling or himself?

~ Passio


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> Love is a word. Marriage and commitment is an act. What you say is of no meaning if it is not backed by action..


Indeed. I believe actions speak louder than words. 

I feel the answer is not always completely mutually exclusive. A wayward may feel love for his spouse but exhibit unloving action by cheating, which in turn erodes the love the wayward feels toward the betrayed. 

Though the cheater may love the betrayed somewhat, they probably love the cheating more. I am convinced that cheating reduces the ABILITY of a cheater to love all others. 

I also believe it is possible for a cheater to repent and regain their decency, but it is somewhat rare. Because of this I doubt I would ever take a chance on a cheater. 

I prefer to define love as an action verb instead of an emotion. I have found that emotions are sometimes fickle liars that can't be trusted. Give me love in the form of loyalty, service and faithfulness any day. I can do without the fleeting emotional fluff that often leaves a vacuum of despair.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> If you define love as a feeling, I guess swabbing walking commodes with your stick and then going and sticking it in your wife really is love.
> 
> Right.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG. I think I just realized what it means to some when someone posts that love is a feeling. 

Do you mean feelings as in how it physically feels to put your...in, take your...out, do the hokey pokey and shake it all about? 

Funny, but serious. That's how I read your post. How it feels to my penis. Never what I meant and the feelings I speak of keep me dedicated and wanting to do things for her as well as me, not the physical sensations of my penis inside her. Make that all past tense since we are divorced. Sorry, I was too lazy to change it all after I realized. 

To rep:

There's a lot of temptation out there. Yeah, the emotions or lustful and desirous feelings do wane over time for so many. What is lacking is character in men and women. I think. IMO, it is not love and they are lying when they disrespect their wives by having sex with other women, even if their wives don't know and the AP's are more than willing. 

The world has changed because there are no laws and religious beliefs have been made to look as though only naive and foolish people believe in and do their best to follow them. There are record numbers now, of infidelity. Man will have to make secular laws to handle this, or there will be worse consequences with time.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds like your friends are not the committed type. Marriage can be very bad and very difficult at times, sometimes it does not ease itself for a long long time but reaching for someone else only complicates the situation. Your friends need to focus on their wives and out the other women aside and maybe if they gave their wives more time and attention they would feel the passion fade. Be careful not to take these men's advise or think they have something you do not. Cheating is selfish behavior and will do nothing to improve a marriage. Even if the wife never find out the thoughts that invade the male mind create a change in the behavior of the man and that is what the wife will feel. This benefits no one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> If you define love as a feeling, I guess swabbing walking commodes with your stick and then going and sticking it in your wife really is love.
> 
> Right.....


Please do not call women "walking commodes". That is beyond disgusting.

It's these men who are cheating on their wives. But you are insulting the women? For all you know these cheaters are lying up a storm to the woman they cheat with... and she thinks she's in a relationship with a single guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rep said:


> Interesting conversation today. Bunch of guys talking about cheating,, all admitting that they have. I asked if they were in love with there wives??? Why cheat. Couple said they are madly in love but the passion fades and the temptation is great plus the women todsy are more aggressive and don't care if your married.
> I never cheated so I thought I would ask here. I did look up some statistics sbd they say 8 out of 10 men cheat. Wow!!


The stats are about cheating very widely, from 20% to 70% of men. The one thing that is consistent is that women cheat less than men do with numbers in about the 18% to 60% range.

I think it depends on group of people being asked.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

On a day like this, we fall in and out of Love all the time, consciously or not. It's no bad thing and shows we are human and care, sort of difficult to define, but you'll find it almost everywhere and when you least expect it. I'm all for wearing mine on my sleeve, it should never be locked away in some dark, dismal, little box.....no, never. I'm Lovin the thought of a cuppa, oh yes xxx


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

BS. 

If you go behind your partner's back and cheat on them, knowing that they would be hurt if they knew, you obviously don't love them at all. "OMG but the temptation! But women are so aggressive!" Excuses. We're human beings, we have control over our actions. You consciously make the choice to cheat. If you really want to bone someone else that bad, break up with your damn spouse first. If you don't want to dump them, then DON'T CHEAT.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

"In love" and "love" refer to different states. The former covers the intense period of infatuation. Rarely does someone cheat when they are in love.

Some who love their spouses are capable of cheating. A person who is weak or resentful may cheat to gain power, perhaps even hoping to make their betrayed spouse love them more.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There are people who love themselves, yet are diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, continue to eat poorly, gain weight, and even in the face of amputation still won't change their habits. Human beings are notorious for making bad, destructive decisions, no matter how much love is in the air.

It's a delusion that a person can't, or won't, cheat just because they're in love. If a person can love themselves and still destroy their own bodies; with food, alcohol, drugs, inactivity, a person sure can slip into some strange even when a good spouse is sitting at home.

Hundreds of millions of human beings are cheating, or have cheated, on their partners all over the world. Are we really going to suggest that all those people don't love their partners? Adultery and infidelity are far too pervasive to make it that black and white IMO.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

jaquen said:


> It's a delusion that a person can't, or won't, cheat just because they're in love.


I don't think it's delusional to expect that a person would have consideration for the feelings of the person they're supposedly in love with.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

batsociety said:


> I don't think it's delusional to expect that a person would have consideration for the feelings of the person they're supposedly in love with.


You are right. I agree 100%.

But what you stated has nothing to do with my point.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> It's a delusion that a person can't, or won't, cheat just because they're in love. If a person can love themselves and still destroy their own bodies; with food, alcohol, drugs, inactivity, a person sure can slip into some strange even when a good spouse is sitting at home.


You are assuming that such people in self-destruct mode genuinely love themselves, and I think this is highly debatable. Some people are literally attempting to hasten their demise, eg, drinking oneself to death. This is not love of self.

Indeed, millions of people are filled with self-loathing, and their poor lifestyle habits are a reflection of this. 

Just as millions of people are ambivalent about their life or sex partners, and would be happy enough to trade them in for someone better.

It is possible to love more than one person, but if you do, you wouldn't want to hurt them by lying to them OR by making them complicit in your cheating. 

And cheating just for raw sex demonstrates that your primary concern is for oneself, not anyone else.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Please do not call women "walking commodes". That is beyond disgusting.
> 
> It's these men who are cheating on their wives. But you are insulting the women? For all you know these cheaters are lying up a storm to the woman they cheat with... and she thinks she's in a relationship with a single guy.


A couple clarifications. I was slamming the men who do this. I will never grace crappie sexual behaviors with graceful terms.

I was deriding men first, they treat their sticks like a toilet brush and then "lovingly" stick it in their wives. Secondly, women who knowingly sleep with married men or just don't care, will be compared to commodes, because all they are apparently good for is the temporary relief of men.

Women who are honestly duped by these wastes of skin parading as men are just as victimized as the BW.

Sorry for the vagueness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

My point, however, was that I am ridiculing men that claim to love their wives and children while behaving like a goat in season.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

There is a thing that happens when a person cheats. Even if they can say that they love the person they are betraying. Every interaction, every encounter with the outside force chips away at the marriage.

A behavior that was never noticed before is a nuisance.
An appointment is missed because of distraction.
Everyday joys and sorrows are no longer shared because one person is not fully present.

No, I do not believe that you can cheat on someone you love. Once you reach the point of action, you have opened Pandora's Box.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

So much has been said about who the cheating spouse is capable of loving, but there is one consistent fact. Cheaters love themeselves far more than anyone else.....Keyword "far"


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