# Men and Porn



## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

This isn't a big problem yet but I have noticed my husband and I's sex life is slowing down somewhat. We used to have sex twice a week, then once a week and now once every couple weeks. I am reasonably satisfied but would rather the frequency of sex happen at least once a week.

My key observation to the lack of sex is my husband's desire. My husband has issues with initiating sex. It seems he doesn't know how to go about it or is too lazy. I don't know which. This is on-going problem in our sex life and I brought it up to him a year or so ago and it improved slightly but he reverted back to old ways. I am finding that I initiate 90% of the time and the most of the time he initiates is by asking, "Do you want to have sex?" I like his direct approach but it's somewhat unsexy. He blames his lack of initiating on his back problems. He says he would like to have more sex but his back is too sore.

I wouldn't say he is low sex drive because I have been on his computer and I know he looks at porn sites. I don't know the frequency as I only use his computer occasionally. We have discussed the porn issue. I was ok with it years ago as masturbation is healthy and natural but now I am finding it hurtful because if he is feeling that horny why doesn't he put the moves on me and try to have sex. I have on occasion rejected him but very rarely. I would say I get turned down for sex more often than he does.

I am somewhat feeling like he is getting more satisfaction out of the porn sites. I'm also starting to feel less desired. I should also add that I don't get any time for self-pleasure. My husband works part time and I am full time so I get no alone to myself and in the past my husband has been very hurt that I masturbated without him. Double standard.

So my question is; Men, how often do you look at porn and get off from porn in a relationship? Do you forgo having sex with your wife/girlfriend over porn? Should I be concerned about a porn addiction? I have noticed that we do have sex it takes my husband a while to come. I know most women have the opposite problem but sometimes I would like to have a quickie rather than carve out 45 minutes to an hour to have a sex session. I also think this last statement is another reason the frequency of our sex has declined I do sometimes find sex too time consuming so I don't initiate.

I have no i


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Everyone is different, but I can't help but to notice you mentioned *back pain.* Porn and masturbation may be a distraction from back pain, while actual sex with a partner can possibly exacerbate back pain.

I also noticed your lack of personal space that you mentioned and that you have no opportunities to self sooth sexually speaking.

Those two things combined likely create an awkward dynamic. Step one is to buy some massage oil or coconut oil and give your husband a nice back rub and try to make each other aware of what is going on.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

My husband is 31, relatively young.

He tells me he is still attracted to me, says I'm pretty and beautiful on a regular basis. I take care of myself - exercise daily, dress up nice, shower.

Could it be laziness? Not to go into too much of a backstory but my husband has worked less and less for the last 5 years. He is now averaging 10 hours a week, he helps a little around the house but not as much as I would like. He blames this on his back but talking with his family and some friends, they think he is lazy and I do too. Could this be spilling over into our sex life?


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Everyone is different, but I can't help but to notice you mentioned *back pain.* Porn and masturbation may be a distraction from back pain, while actual sex with a partner can possibly exacerbate back pain.
> 
> I also noticed your lack of personal space that you mentioned and that you have no opportunities to self sooth sexually speaking.
> 
> ...


Good idea! He does get back rubs every so often. I could do it more often but how do I get him to reciprocate the back rub. I don't mean on the same night but I was finding I was giving him back rubs and I rarely got one in return. You know, it's nice to be pampered too!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

muffin1983 said:


> Could it be laziness? Not to go into too much of a backstory but my husband has worked less and less for the last 5 years. He is now averaging 10 hours a week, he helps a little around the house but not as much as I would like. He blames this on his back but talking with his family and some friends, they think he is lazy and I do too. Could this be spilling over into our sex life?


Why is he working less? Is he possibly depressed?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Also, to answer your question, if my W and I are having a somewhat active sex life i have no interest in watching porn. Even when not active (which is more often than not) I find porn just adds to my frustration.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

What happened to me and is written about by Psychologist, is that porn becomes your primary sex life. That is what happened to me after my wife and I moved away from the other woman in our marriage. I was watching porn when I should have been working. I did not want to have sex with my wife because porn had gotten me conditioned to get aroused to the type of women and sex I saw in the videos. Regular sex was no longer arousing for me. 

Then when my wife insisted on sex, the odds were that I had masturbated a few times already and therefor could not perform or even get erect. My wife started to feel that I did not find her sexy and attractive anymore. I finally told her what the real problem was. Our solution, which as worked very well in the last 4 years and completely eliminated my masturbation, is chastity play. I am not even going to tell you what that is because when I first read about it i thought it was stupid and crazy. I will just say that I am physically prevented from masturbating and only released when my wife wants to have sex. I have not masturbated in 3 years and lust after my wife every day of the week so that she feels sexy and desirable again. Our sex life got back on track and my wife fell in love with a teasing and denying fetish. Basically she gets to orgasm every time we have sex while I do not and am kept sexually aroused for a few weeks or so. 

What we are doing is becoming a very popular solution to the problem men have with porn. The devices they sell are even available from national drug store chains as medical devices to control masturbation. You can find some that are adjustable so one size fits most. If you look it up, disregard all the dominatrix stuff and just read about chastity Play on its own. It is somewhat like tantric sex where the man's orgasm is delayed for long periods of time and he learns to get pleasure from the orgasms of his wife. When I finally do have my orgasm, I speak in tongues and it is so intense that it borders on pain. 

There are many couples just using the honor system with no chastity devices at all. That will only work if your husband gives you his word and he sticks to it. It may take awhile to replace real sex with the porn version he has become accustomed to but it can be fixed if he is willing to fix it.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this. I will say that backpain makes sex less pleasurable. I am not sure what the extent of his condition is but, I have a chronic back condition. What I find is that being even 10lbs overweight makes the problem worse. Staying flexible, abdominal work and overall strength help significantly as can specific excersizes provided by a physical therapist can work wonders and can help tremendously. Is your husband TRYING to keep his back healthy. 31 is a little young to be dissabled. It is troubling that OTHER people are confirming your suspicion that his is lazy. 

I personally would have a real problem if my wife chose masturbating and/or porn over me on a regular basis. Having said that I don't agree with the narrative that if he likes porn or may be choosing it over sex with you that he is not attracted to you. Perhaps you need to make it clear that you would like him to initiate more and that "wanna F..." while ok sometime shows lack of creativity and laziness on his part. He may think it is OK....perhaps a mars/venus thing. When you say "i don't turn him down much" i wonder...my wife recently has has a spike in drive because she gott off birth control. If you asked her she would say our frequency is more than it is. I am not saying this is the case but...

It could be also that he may like a little change-up. Many men would like to try diferent things mix it up. Is there variety in your bedroom? Again i am not taking his side. he could be a porn addict, lazy or a jackwadd....I only know a few paragraphs. 

I would point out to him that 1) you are ready willing and able to have sex fairly regularly and ask him to speak up if he is not in agreement. Let him know you want to have it more. 2) I would also let him know that you are aware of his solo activities ...either by how he "cleans up or his web history...and you are cool with it ...point out that some women are all sorts of insecure and forbid ANY of that.... my wife is not exactly ok with this but, it depends on the day. 

Maybe you would enjoy watching it together....is that a non-starter? 

It is concievable to that he may like the variety that porn provides. I love making love to my wife...but, sometimes i want to just have alone time. sorry for the babbling.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My feeling is that porn is OK if, and only if it doesn't interfere with someone's sex life with their partner. In this case it sounds like it does. This is a sadly common problem. 

Any chance he'd agree to a sort of "right of first refusal" - when he is interested in sex, he goes to you first, and only watches porn if you are not available?

If back pain is the issue, then working on other positions, other things you can do will probably help.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I greatly suspect that a lot of male porn users do it basically because they are ultra-afraid of being rejected by their wives, even if they did subsequently "put the moves on her" for sex ~ as the use of porn greatly eases/minimizes the pain of their being rejected!

But in all fairness, your H's problem seems to be more medically motivated! I'd recommend getting him in to either see his personal physician or a good urologist!

And if that fails to help, then I'd readily suggest counseling!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I look at porn several times a week but it doesn't diminish my sex drive. I still want my GF all the time but 3-4 times a week is enough for her. I use porn I would say the other times.

He could have a problem with porn, could have a physical problem with having sex, could be something you are doing. Point is you have to ask him directly what is going on and lay it down like this is something you won't be ok with moving forward. Once every couple of weeks is way to long in my book.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I wanted to chime in here and say I am so proud of the posters here!!! Immediately after reading the OP, I thought, "omg they are going to chew her alive because she is going after his porn." But y'all didn't!!!! It seems like more people are being more open about the fact that sometimes - it can cause issues. It wasn't always so on this forum.

OP:

First, your H need to get to a Dr to have his back checked out (if he has not already). He needs to find a solution to the pain. My H has had back issues since an injury at work 5 years ago (He was pulled between two pallets of cargo weighing in at 5,000 lbs each), and the military JUST now decided he needed an MRI. 5 years he's waited for this. He found out he has several herniated disks and a couple of other issues. Before that, he had been to physical therapy, stretching daily, a pool exercise class, and even is doing acupuncture once a month for it. They refuse to give pain meds, but he's okay with that for now. 

So, if your H hasn't been checked out really good, he needs to go and demand to have some tests run. People shouldn't have to live in pain and there are so many options for people to relieve the pain.

Secondly, if your H is overweight, taking a walk everyday might start to help. Even lifting weights can help strengthen the muscles in his back which in turn could give some pain relief because the muscles would be supporting his weight better. 

To the porn part, if your H is never initiating with you and instead turning to porn, that causes huge intimacy problems. You need to tell him that directly. Ask him specifically what is going on and then set boundaries that you can accept. If he's going to watch porn, he needs to limit it. 

You two don't HAVE to have sex every time. There are other things you can do to help create an intimate bond. He can give you an O without doing too much movement - just need a good vibrator/dildo and be able to move both of his arms at the same time. Either you can hold the toy while he rubs you down, or he can hold it in one and touch you/rub you/be inside you with the other hand...it's really just little effort that he would need to make. There are positions that would not cause much discomfort to his back....get creative. 

Just have a very blunt, straight forward talk with him to get a better picture of where he is.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

staarz21 said:


> I wanted to chime in here and say I am so proud of the posters here!!! Immediately after reading the OP, I thought, "omg they are going to chew her alive because she is going after his porn." But y'all didn't!!!! It seems like more people are being more open about the fact that sometimes - it can cause issues. It wasn't always so on this forum.
> .


I think porn is becoming a bigger issue in relationships and more people now recognize this (or more importantly have been subject to it in a negative way)


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Why is he working less? Is he possibly depressed?


My husband is working less due to his back problems. He says his back gets too sore and he can't work a full day or even a 40 hour week. It has gotten to the point where he is now only schedule twice a week at 5 hours a day.

As for being depressed, my husband was diagnosed 4.5 years ago and is now medicated for it now. I think he is doing ok now and he has made great strides in dealing with his depression. He's more self-aware of what triggers his moods but the back pain is one of those triggers. I have also read that people with depression tend to feel more physical pain so that could be it.

The only reason I said he was lazy is because it has been in the back of mind the last couple years and I have never said it aloud except in this post but others seem to be echoing my thoughts. He's the type to rush through a task or leave it until the last minute.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Hopefully the OP will come back and clarify some of these things. 

I am wondering why is he only working 10 hours a week? 
Is he working on his fitness/back or is taking the approach (that many people take)...let me "take it easy so it will get better" usually not the best approach. See back doctor...go with him.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

peacem said:


> Is he good at talking about sex and honest communication?


Unfortunately my husband is very shy when it comes to discussing sex. He will talk about sex in general but when it comes to performance or any possible type of problem he gets very defensive. 

I honestly doubt he would even talk to a doctor about a sexual issue, he would let it fester until it could no longer and then exclaim, "well you should have forced me to go see a doctor!"


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> First, your H need to get to a Dr to have his back checked out (if he has not already). He needs to find a solution to the pain. My H has had back issues since an injury at work 5 years ago (He was pulled between two pallets of cargo weighing in at 5,000 lbs each), and the military JUST now decided he needed an MRI. 5 years he's waited for this. He found out he has several herniated disks and a couple of other issues. Before that, he had been to physical therapy, stretching daily, a pool exercise class, and even is doing acupuncture once a month for it. They refuse to give pain meds, but he's okay with that for now.
> 
> So, if your H hasn't been checked out really good, he needs to go and demand to have some tests run. People shouldn't have to live in pain and there are so many options for people to relieve the pain.
> 
> Secondly, if your H is overweight, taking a walk everyday might start to help. Even lifting weights can help strengthen the muscles in his back which in turn could give some pain relief because the muscles would be supporting his weight better.


My husband has been to countless specialists about his back problem. They have not been able to find any medical reason for it. He is about 20 pounds overweight and has been told by almost every doctor to lose weight and strengthen his core.

We have been trying together to get healthy as a joint effort, although I am not overweight to no success. We're trying to give it another go but I find all his plans to get thin are too restrictive. He was doing the low carb thing but since he is also a picky eater it was getting difficult to make meals to support him. This time around I have told him to eat healthy and cut out snacking.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

muffin1983 said:


> So my question is; Men, how often do you look at porn and get off from porn in a relationship? Do you forgo having sex with your wife/girlfriend over porn? Should I be concerned about a porn addiction? I have noticed that we do have sex it takes my husband a while to come. I know most women have the opposite problem but sometimes I would like to have a quickie rather than carve out 45 minutes to an hour to have a sex session. I also think this last statement is another reason the frequency of our sex has declined I do sometimes find sex too time consuming so I don't initiate.


Ah, my favorite subject, porn:grin2:
I do watch porn, but I use it in a positive way. Let me explain.
I have a large man cave that I use to do many things. One of them is watching porn. I will watch it for a few minutes every day or every other day. Sometimes I masturbate, sometimes I do not. However, I NEVER, EVER orgasm while watching porn. It gets my mind going and I transfer that lust to my wife. At 54, it does help.
I also sometimes watch it with my wife. Typically we start watching and after about 5 minutes we both forget about the porn.
I do not have a problem with going too fast or too long. For some reason I orgasm pretty much when I want to.

If a man watches porn and masturbates to conclusion it cannot do anything other than TAKE AWAY from his wife. An orgasm will drain a mans sexual energy faster than anything else. The older a man gets, the worse it is.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

muffin1983 said:


> My husband has been to countless specialists about his back problem. They have not been able to find any medical reason for it. He is about 20 pounds overweight and has been told by almost every doctor to lose weight and strengthen his core.
> 
> We have been trying together to get healthy as a joint effort, although I am not overweight to no success. We're trying to give it another go but I find all his plans to get thin are too restrictive. He was doing the low carb thing but since he is also a picky eater it was getting difficult to make meals to support him. This time around I have told him to eat healthy and cut out snacking.


Wow so he works only 10 hours a week with no medical reason for his back issues??

I know that sometimes, reasons for pain are overlooked accidentally be medical professionals, mainly because sometimes those things can be hard to see. However, there are those times that people are just being giant, lazy, whiny babies. I really hope your H isn't one of those, but....

Does he attempt to do anything else to help ease the "pain"? Is he stretching? Exercising? anything?

Also, has anything happened to him to cause his back pain? Like was he ever injured? What kind of work does he do for a living?


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

OK so let me get this straight, he can't work and seems reluctant to have PIV sex with you because of his bad back Yet he is doing little to remedy this I mean it is not like he is 70..he is 31...he should be VERY MOTIVATED TO REMEDY THIS.. Something smells fishy. I would tell him that he should be able to allot of crunches by the end of the month....you are being far too nice. To give the benefit of the doubt... I have heard of doctors associated with workplaces sometimes "cant find any medical reasons" not sure if it was a work injury. 

I would tell him to take an anti-inflamatory like alive (or motrin, ibiprophin).. all the same. Count the pills. Anyone with a true "bad back" would take them religiously as they would feel more pain when they wore off. I would also love to see how he moves around when you are not around. When I have back pain, my movements are very slow and calculated. 

can you set up a camera to record how he moves when you aren't around.


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## Racer69 (Aug 27, 2010)

Sorry you are going through this. I too also suffer from back pain from time to time. I have found that WOT works best for us, My wife also enjoys being on top so that helps. I enjoy other position like Doggie but I will say that when my back is hurting it less pleasurable for me. 

As far as the porn issue, I'm the Higher dive in our relationship and I have been attracted to porn on occasion. I search out thing I wish we would do in our relationship and then get frustrated when its just have vanilla sex, so I try to stay away from it.

I have a few suggestions that have worked for us: I found a great web site, it's a subscription service for adults it's called "The Fantasy Box" each month or every other month (your choice) a box arrives with a fantasy that we act out. The box comes with instruction for the male and female and most of the thing you need for the fantasy. ie massage oils sexy close and even a few toy from time to time. The Sex Toys have been good for us because my wife would have never went our an bought one for us to use, but since it was in the box she said yes lets try it. they have 3 price point on the boxes $36.00, $59.00 and $159.00 I picked the $59.00 box every other month. The second thing I would recommend is a book by Laura Corn called 101 Night of Grreat Sex or any of the book she have made. or if you have a smart phone is an app 101 nights by Laura Corn.

Hope thing get better for you


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> OK so let me get this straight, he can't work and seems reluctant to have PIV sex with you because of his bad back Yet he is doing little to remedy this I mean it is not like he is 70..he is 31...he should be VERY MOTIVATED TO REMEDY THIS.. Something smells fishy. I would tell him that he should be able to allot of crunches by the end of the month....you are being far too nice. To give the benefit of the doubt... I have heard of doctors associated with workplaces sometimes "cant find any medical reasons" not sure if it was a work injury.
> 
> I would tell him to take an anti-inflamatory like alive (or motrin, ibiprophin).. all the same. Count the pills. Anyone with a true "bad back" would take them religiously as they would feel more pain when they wore off. I would also love to see how he moves around when you are not around. When I have back pain, my movements are very slow and calculated.
> 
> can you set up a camera to record how he moves when you aren't around.


LOL!! Thanks for the suggestion but I'm not going to set up a camera...hahaha. My husband doesn't show big signs of discomfort, he does take an anti-inflammatory daily but his movements don't appear stiff. I honestly do feel he plays it up a bit. We went through a rough patch where he thought I was being unsupportive because I would nag him to go to work. He would then complain to his parents who would side with him and it created this whiny monster of sorts. He would tell me, "I didn't know how he feels and I have no idea what he is going through." This is true, I don't but even last week a friend of ours told him to suck it up and go to work because we all deal with pain. I don't want to place blame but I feel like he was coddled too much by his parents and now in many ways by me.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think you have a bigger problem than if your husband is watching porn. Working 10 hours a week is ridiculous at 31 years old, back pain or not. Is he abusing pain medication or other drugs?


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