# Detached sex...am I broken?



## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

So from another thread I learned this new term -detached sex, which I believe to be what I am experiencing. I love having sex, orgasming, foreplay, toys, etc...but...I don't have many, if any, emotions/emotional connection. I remember having feelings before/during/after sex with my H, so I don't think I have always been this way. I mostly get excited from needing the release. I guess I've just built up so many walls that I have emotionally detached myself?? As another poster put it "Maybe I'm just jaded". 

I'm trying trying trying and I want to get these emotions back! It's not fair to either of us. He knows I'm disconnected, but H thinks sex = things are great! 

Does anyone have any similar experiences...good or bad to share with me?

Once again...thanks for reading and letting me vent!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> So from another thread I learned this new term -detached sex, which I believe to be what I am experiencing. I love having sex, orgasming, foreplay, toys, etc...but...I don't have many, if any, emotions/emotional connection. I remember having feelings before/during/after sex with my H, so I don't think I have always been this way. I mostly get excited from needing the release. I guess I've just built up so many walls that I have emotionally detached myself?? As another poster put it "Maybe I'm just jaded".
> 
> I'm trying trying trying and I want to get these emotions back! It's not fair to either of us. He knows I'm disconnected, but H thinks sex = things are great!
> 
> ...


I think to heal, most people have to be alone for an extended period of time. If you are in a relationship while trying to heal its probably not going to work unfortunately. So the walls need a lot of work to remove them, but there is no real alone time to work on yourself. Does this make sense? DUDE


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you are married no?

and you love sex and your husband is more than satisfied with sex. this is what i am hearing.

but, you want to feel more than the physical. you want that bonding feeling?

and you remember those feelings from some time ago.

well, in my opinion, that's certainly not asking for too much, but your situation is pretty good nonetheless!

i'll let others give you advice on where how re-discover that emotional side.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

CatJayBird said:


> So from another thread I learned this new term -detached sex, which I believe to be what I am experiencing. I love having sex, orgasming, foreplay, toys, etc...but...I don't have many, if any, emotions/emotional connection. I remember having feelings before/during/after sex with my H, so I don't think I have always been this way. I mostly get excited from needing the release. I guess I've just built up so many walls that I have emotionally detached myself?? As another poster put it "Maybe I'm just jaded".
> 
> I'm trying trying trying and I want to get these emotions back! It's not fair to either of us. He knows I'm disconnected, but H thinks sex = things are great!
> 
> ...


I became convinced that women have little emotional attachment to sex.....My wife and I had a Rock Star sex life...

I can look back on those thousands of encounters, and remember the feelings, and emotions...

The time we made love in the big chair....

The time we went to the lake...Strawberries were growing down to the water, and we lay on the ground, ate strawberries and made love by the water....

The way she whispered "I Love You" a hundred times the first time we made love"

I bring it up to my wife, and it's like... 

"Remember the day we got the Kroger Ad"....

No emotional attachment whatever....Is it a "woman" thing?

At least I have my memories and feelings...


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> I think to heal, most people have to be alone for an extended period of time. If you are in a relationship while trying to heal its probably not going to work unfortunately. So the walls need a lot of work to remove them, but there is no real alone time to work on yourself. Does this make sense? DUDE


It makes complete sense. In IC my counselor keeps telling me to make time for myself...what am I doing for myself? Uh....I got a haircut... I think my H is afraid to let me have alone time because he knows I will enjoy it too much and that scares him.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> you are married no?
> 
> and you love sex and your husband is more than satisfied with sex. this is what i am hearing.
> 
> ...


Yes...married. Sex makes H have rose colored glasses with our other issues. I don't want to withhold because we did go through a sexless marriage spell and I don't want to use that. And yes...I want to feel more...I want to feel SOMETHING when we kiss and have sex... Thanks!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> I became convinced that women have little emotional attachment to sex.....My wife and I had a Rock Star sex life...
> 
> I can look back on those thousands of encounters, and remember the feelings, and emotions...
> 
> ...


You are lucky to have had those times. Some of us never have them. I only remember times of feeling deceived.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

maybe try to remember and dwell in those past moments when things were fresh and had feeling.

try to recapture by memory and maybe they will lead you back to a place in your head that has forgotten them and stowed them away.

go to a beautiful place alone and try to remember the exact feelings and see if you can somehow grasp them.
not that you will necessarily be able to re-feel them right away, but you will bring them out of your memory banks to surface.
i think they used to say 'get in touch with your feelings' in this case, feeling from long ago.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Those are great suggestions...Thanks! Every time I mention going somewhere alone or doing something by myself, H says he doesn't understand "why I would want to be alone"..."How I would WANT to do things without him"..."I can't go by myself"...

I normally don't push the issue because I know where it will end up. Early in our marriage, I once left while he was in the shower to go get breakfast. I thought it would be quick trip and be back before he was done. Well...it took longer than I expected and when I got back....I got the wrath! He questioned where I was, who I was with, why did I leave him? He even called my sister and yelled at her and asked her what she did with me? Yes...I guess I could have avoided all that by just peeking my head in and saying I'm going to get bfast...BRB....but I wanted to surprise him... Never again. I don't even go to the bathroom without telling him where I am...

And rereading that......ugh.....a marriage shouldn't be like that....


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> Those are great suggestions...Thanks! Every time I mention going somewhere alone or doing something by myself, H says he doesn't understand "why I would want to be alone"..."How I would WANT to do things without him"..."I can't go by myself"...
> 
> I normally don't push the issue because I know where it will end up. Early in our marriage, I once left while he was in the shower to go get breakfast. I thought it would be quick trip and be back before he was done. Well...it took longer than I expected and when I got back....I got the wrath! He questioned where I was, who I was with, why did I leave him? He even called my sister and yelled at her and asked her what she did with me? Yes...I guess I could have avoided all that by just peeking my head in and saying I'm going to get bfast...BRB....but I wanted to surprise him... Never again. I don't even go to the bathroom without telling him where I am...
> 
> And rereading that......ugh.....a marriage shouldn't be like that....


Its funny, I'm the opposite which is just as bad. My wife would go somewhere and I was so aloof I didn't even notice. And of course, because I didn't notice and didn't get upset, then I didn't "treasure" her.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I think your situation is different than most because usually if one spouse is enjoying "detached sex", the other is slowly losing their desire to participate. Even though your husband feels you are detached, but you can "turn it on" during sex, and he is fine with it. as long as the sex remains good, he is happy.

I went through this phase and sex is the ultimate distraction or cover up from everything else missing. If you are truly not emotionally connected to your husband, sooner or later you will lose your sexual attraction toward him, unless you're doing frequent one night stands, emotions always are linked to sex and one of you will eventually realize you need both.

There is a challenge, similar to the 30 day sex challenge, but really the opposite, in which instead of having sex daily for 30 days, you go 14 days without it. During those 14 days you explore every other aspect of your marriage, communicating more, spending more time together doing activities, dining out etc, you can still show affection, but no sex. This will help you realize why you had feeling for him in the first place, I'm assuming it wasn't because he was "hung like a bear". lol.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> You are lucky to have had those times. Some of us never have them. I only remember times of feeling deceived.


I hear you, and I understand, but I don't know when no hurts the most....After 5 times or 5,000 times...It is still no....And usually with blatant lies as the reason for no....


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

He sounds insecure to say the least. Insecurity and anger issues are definitely not attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ms. GP said:


> He sounds insecure to say the least. Insecurity and anger issues are definitely not attractive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately, sometimes, no amount of security will ensure attraction.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I was doing the Thanksgiving grocery shopping....I came home (pitch black) and the wife was gone...Her phone was on the couch, I went out and walked around the house to see if she had gone out in the dark and fallen...Then I saw my fishing truck was missing....She got a wild hare to take back a pair of sweats....Still a few moments of concern...She acted like it pleased her that I was worried...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you emotionally detached outside the bedroom? Do you feel detached from your H in general?

Do you experience emotional intimacy with your H in other ways?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

woundedwarrior said:


> I think your situation is different than most because usually if one spouse is enjoying "detached sex", the other is slowly losing their desire to participate. Even though your husband feels you are detached, but you can "turn it on" during sex, and he is fine with it. as long as the sex remains good, he is happy.
> 
> *As long as the sex is good/great/awesome and both partners are into it and fully participating in giving and receiving physical pleasure, I don't think most people would notice it was "detached sex" without being told specifically that their partner isn't feeling emotion. Most people assume committed LTR or marriage + good/great/awesome sex means there is an emotional connection.*
> 
> ...


OP, when you say detached sex, do you mean you don't feel anything much at all or that you're not focused on emotion during sex and instead are focusing on the physical pleasure?

I adore my DH and am far closer to him than I have been to any other human in my life. After nearly 16 years, I still think about him all the time and can't wait to see him when we've been separated even for just hours. He's the best conversation and by far the best sex of my life. And yet, I very rarely feel emotion during sex. It's not anything lacking in our relationship or in me. It's just that I naturally focus on the physical pleasure, giving and receiving, when I'm having sex. I connect emotionally to him at other times.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Here's a link to a woman author that has many articles on tearing down emotional walls and rebuilding a connection.

http://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/

As a husband, I found reading her articles helped me understand my wife better. Several articles I forwarded to my wife really spoke to her.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

norajane said:


> Are you emotionally detached outside the bedroom? Do you feel detached from your H in general?
> 
> Do you experience emotional intimacy with your H in other ways?



Yes. I feel like we have vastly grown apart. 

We used to, but not so much in recent years. I'm working on working my heart back to him...

I feel more emotionally connected to other family members and friends than I currently do my H.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> OP, when you say detached sex, do you mean you don't feel anything much at all or that you're not focused on emotion during sex and instead are focusing on the physical pleasure?
> 
> I adore my DH and am far closer to him than I have been to any other human in my life. After nearly 16 years, I still think about him all the time and can't wait to see him when we've been separated even for just hours. He's the best conversation and by far the best sex of my life. And yet, I very rarely feel emotion during sex. It's not anything lacking in our relationship or in me. It's just that I naturally focus on the physical pleasure, giving and receiving, when I'm having sex. I connect emotionally to him at other times.


I feel the physical, but I'm not only focused on that. I don't feel connected to him emotionally....no sparks, no "i could just look into his eyes forever", no "damn..i'm so in love with this man", nothing when we kiss (which is physical and emotional)....

I don't usually think about him anymore throughout the day...I shut myself off to that when I tried to communicate and never got any responses...and I don't have that "I can't wait to get home to see him" feeling...


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Here's a link to a woman author that has many articles on tearing down emotional walls and rebuilding a connection.
> 
> New to this blog? Start here. - The Forgiven Wife
> 
> As a husband, I found reading her articles helped me understand my wife better. Several articles I forwarded to my wife really spoke to her.


Thank you! I will read these!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

CatJayBird said:


> Yes. I feel like we have vastly grown apart.
> 
> We used to, but not so much in recent years. I'm working on working my heart back to him...
> 
> I feel more emotionally connected to other family members and friends than I currently do my H.


It makes it really easy to understand how some women cheat....


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I don't really have emotion when I have sex either. 

I feel emotional connection at other times. Being close, serious conversations etc.

When I hear people say that sex is better with someone you love - that has never been true for me.

I also focus more on the physical aspects of what is going on. I guess much like someone riding a roller coaster??? Some rides are better than others. 

It might be because the romantic "love making" doesn't do a thing for me. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with us.

If you are feeling disconnected outside the bedroom and that is new, then that's a different problem. In my opinion of course.


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