# H and I are roomates



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

My H and I have been married for 2.5 years, together about 6. We never really had a lot of "passion" is our relationship, but anything we did have hit rock bottom once we got engaged 4 years ago. It seemed like things just changed, he's turned into his father.

1. If I talk to him, alot of times he'll look right past me, as though ignoring me on purpose.
2. He baby talks ALOT "I'm hungry...I'm sleepy"...there is nothing sexy about feeling like your H's mother.
3. He doesn't like to be around my family, but at the same time will make me feel guilty for going alone "oh, I'll just sit here with the dog..."
4. We have separate bank accounts and he makes twice as much as me, but we split the bills down the middle. I live paycheck to paycheck and he just paid off his new car (~$10K at once).
5. He won't do things that I like to do (I'm very outdoorsy and so is my family. He pretended to like those things too, until we were married).
6. He says very hurtful things, but says he didn't mean it that way...
-getting ready for Valentine's Day...he sees me and says "oh, I thought you were going to look nice"....
-his mom plays favorites between he and his brother, I told him it bothered me because what if we had kids (this was a few years ago)...he told his mom that I don't like her...You can only imagine how that went overe..
-at his friends playing cards, he told his friend he should get a house with his g/f before they get married so that if they divorce she'll have no rights to it. I said "that's not true" he said "trust me, i looked it up" Why say something like that, especially when we were working on things?

We haven't had sex is a LONG time, but even if he tried, I just can't...years of being ignored and treated like his mother made me feel unattracted to him (although he's handsome..smart...etc). 

We generally have fun together, but still live as roomates...a peck goodnight, and sleep. We separated for awhile and I felt like I could finally breath, although I missed him..he is my best friend...sighs..

We went to MC, but now I am in IC, I am on antidepressants and they seem to be working. I believe that I'm just expecting more from someone who I am going to be with for the rest of my life. I don't want to be ignored, I don't want to be married to someone I can't be intimate with...

Looking for some advice. I keep thinking we should divorce, he deserves someone who is in love with him for exactly the way that he is, people cannot change. I have single friends and I know they would kill to just have someone. Here I am with this overall great man, and I still feel like I want out...

I told my therapist...it's like..."I've made my bed,while it's like a california king size bed, with 800 thread count sheets, I'm not sure I want to lay in it"

How can I love someone SO much, but not have those feelings of intimacy?


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## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

Based on some of the things you said about him, he is not an "overall great man." For example, separate bank accounts while you live paycheck to paycheck, saying hurtful things to you, ignoring you...


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> How can I love someone SO much, but not have those feelings of intimacy?


My opinion is stress. 

I love my husband. I am at a point I can't stand the thought of being intimate with my husband because when I try, I keep thinking of all the negative things in our relationship.

I feel like being intimate, I am telling him everything is okay and everything is not okay. I am hurt and he isn't trying to fix that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

madteach said:


> Based on some of the things you said about him, he is not an "overall great man." For example, separate bank accounts while you live paycheck to paycheck, saying hurtful things to you, ignoring you...


Yea, the money thing has to stop. You should both be paying the same percentage towards bills...even though the totals won't equal each other.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Red_Dolphin said:


> My opinion is stress.
> 
> I love my husband. I am at a point I can't stand the thought of being intimate with my husband because when I try, I keep thinking of all the negative things in our relationship.
> 
> I feel like being intimate, I am telling him everything is okay and everything is not okay. I am hurt and he isn't trying to fix that.


Stop telling him everything is ok. If he thinks things are fine, he won't try to fix a darn thing.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention if he loves you. Basically all you can say bad about him is that he ignores you. Have you ever asked him why.
I think its possible that you look at him worse than he really is. That stops you having sex with him as well. Why did you marry him.


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

I agree that if you get intimate that gives the impression that all is well.I find in my case that hurt and resentment tears out that desire to be intimate.And I find myself "servicing " him.But then again mine does not have the ability to just cuddle or be close without sex.

Having separate bank accounts is alright for some,i lived with my hubby for 9 years before we married so it was normal but married people usually function financially as a team,sounds like he is slightly selfish..

I have been there I am paying off the remainder of my hospital bill myself,all the while he is complaining that i am slacking on my regular quota of the bills and throwing it on him lol

Some days all i can do is laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
Hang in there hun we are all here to lend an ear and commiserate.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe you're in love with love?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*You dont mention if he loves you. Basically all you can say bad about him is that he ignores you.*

Not what I read.... seems like he ignores her (which can be a huge issue), is unrealistic and unfair about the finances (showing a lack of "team"), is degrading in his speech to her and about her... 

It seems like he doesn't like you much. I soooooooooo get that...and I'm sorry you are going through it. All you have to know is that you can't change him, and he has no reason to change. You can change YOU tho. You can stand up for yourself, you can do some soul searching and figure out what you want you life to look like and start the new year working toward that.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Stop telling him everything is ok. If he thinks things are fine, he won't try to fix a darn thing.


I don't want to hi-jack the OP thread, but I'm not telling him everything is okay. What I meant is that I feel like if I am intimate with him it is telling him that everything is okay when in reality everything isn't okay. 

This is just how I feel and offering to the OP that it could be something of the same with her as well.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

bluebeauty said:


> My H and I have been married for 2.5 years, together about 6. We never really had a lot of "passion" is our relationship, but anything we did have hit rock bottom once we got engaged 4 years ago. It seemed like things just changed, he's turned into his father.
> 
> If I talk to him, alot of times he'll look right past me, as though ignoring me on purpose.
> 
> ...


Well..you described my marriage of 23 years. Yah, that's TWENTY THREE YEARS. You want another 20 years of this? I could've written this 20 years ago. It never changes. It won't change. Trust me.

If you don't have kids, then consider yourself lucky. You can pack up, leave and never look back. I suggest you do exactly that. I wish I could. But I got two kids and need my husband for things and yes, I still love the jerk. Perhaps if I could just separate completely I would fall out of love because I don't understand why I still love him. Bad habit I suppose. 

Break the habit and don't waste your life like I did mine.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi All - thanks to everyone for all of the responses. With the holidays, it's been hard to get some alone time online. I want to get back to each of you 

madteach - I still feel he's an overall good man, good provider, we do have fun together and I do love him, I just feel there is no bond anymore, probably from all the hurtful things/ignoring me. 

Newest example, 12/30, we went grocery shopping, he was just walking around, not saying a word to me, I asked him if he was ___ for dinner, he ignored me, this continued the rest of the time. He ASKED to go to the store with me, I didn't even ask him. It's so upsetting. I almost broke down in the grocery store. Anyways, we get in the car, and he asks me:

H: what are you doing for New Years?
Me: spending it with you
H: oh, no plans to go out with friends or anything?

REALLY?????? So I asked if he really thought I would ever not spend the time with him. He has no reason to think that. He got irritated. I asked him why he acts like that. He said he will continue to act like that until I decide what I want.

Me: So you're going to continue to treat me like this until I say "we're fine and going to be together forever," then you'll start being nice to me?
H: Yes, I'll treat you however I want until then.

WOW...I came home, put the groceries away and left. He pushed our dog outside the door and said "take her with you"..no leash, or anything. I went to my parents. He called/texted a million times. Minus a few details, I ended up coming home the next day (New Years Eve). I walked in the door and he was standing there arms open, and in what seems like a recording "Come here, I'm sorry" ugh..


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Red_Dolphin - I pretended everything was okay for a long time, just to have some peace, then I snapped...

I think it's hard because we are wired to concentrate on the negative. I have forced myself to try to see the positive, that when I try to end it, I can't because I feel dumb. Like I said above, so many people would be happy just to have someone...

I'm here if you need an ear.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

that_girl - from your amount of posts, it looks like you have a lot of experience. I asked him about picking up another bill, but he said "why, your bills, equal my bills?"

It's just so frustrating. It was fine when we made the same amount of money, but just doesn't seem right now.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

accept - I have thought about that. It's why I always try to remember the good. Unfortuneatly, it's making me crazy 

He says that he loves me, but I feel like actions speak louder than words. He can't show me he loves me. His way of showing me is to buy me something. I hate that. I know that sounds even crazier, but I don't want flowers, I don't want fancy dinners, I want someone who listens to me, and is there for me. He's been trying, but the switch seems to be on (overly involved in my life - asking me about every tv show im watching, standing over me while i cook dinner) or off (non-existant)


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Thanks 
Have you ever asked him why he ignores you. That was my question maybe he doesnt even realise it. Maybe he just doesnt know how to show it the way you want it to be shown.
The on-off thing sounds like he doesnt know what you really want.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Madbunny - Yes, I don't want to be intimate. Every fight we've ever had, we've never really made up (except for maybe a few). Everything has just been swept under the rug. He goes to the basement and plays video games for a few hours and I stew upstairs cleaning or watching tv. Then, he pretends like nothing is wrong. We do cuddle sometimes, but even that is few and far between anymore.

Seperate finances were fine, we use to make around the same amount of money. He now makes double and just paid off his car..just doesn't seem fair!

I've tried to be positive, but it's so hard. I'm just tired and completely wore down...


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

SunnyT - I just talked to my parents about "him liking me" this weekend. I know he loves me, but yes, I don't think he likes me. I've given up alot of the things I love, and just how I act as a person has changed. I use to be SO happy. The more I try to get back to my old self, I feel like the less he likes me.

I'm still in IC and it's given me a lot of hope and confidence, but I still hold on


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Freak on a Leash - we don't have any children. He turns 30 this year and keeps telling me he wants kids and I keep telling him I won't, because everything is so uneasy/bad.

You said "you love the jerk" I feel you on that. I love my H, but I just don't feel like we have that bond that you need to get through hard times. I don't feel "in love" but I do feel love for him.

23 years of this is crazy, how do you do it?


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

accept - I have told him constantly for the past like 3 years. Begged him to please just talk to me. I've asked him that when I speak to him, if he doesn't have a response to just reply with "ok" or something, just to let me know that he atleast hears me. Also, if he doesn't understand, to just ask.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

bluebeauty said:


> Freak on a Leash - we don't have any children. He turns 30 this year and keeps telling me he wants kids and I keep telling him I won't, because everything is so uneasy/bad.
> 
> You said "you love the jerk" I feel you on that. I love my H, but I just don't feel like we have that bond that you need to get through hard times. I don't feel "in love" but I do feel love for him.
> 
> 23 years of this is crazy, how do you do it?


I don't. We separated last year. I'm telling you my story by way of illustrating to you what your life can be if you continue on. Consider me the "Ghost of Christmas Future"....

For 23 years my husband and I had years of on and off again emotional/verbal abuse. I did bad things and so did he. We lived as two separate, sad entities under one roof. At one point we'd climb into be with each other fully clothed. He would sleep in a sweater and pants and we'd be at opposite ends of the bed. We took separate vacations, had separate sets of friends and separate bank account. But we were "married". 

I stayed because of the kids. It was EXACTLY the same way when I was 30 and I WISH I'd had the strength to leave then...but I HOPED it would get better. He was my "best friend". My "soulmate". 

The hardest part about separation isn't LEAVING. It's breaking the EMOTIONAL bond. But you can't do that if you keep coming back and being hopeful..especially when there's no hope. 

Now I'm almost 50 years old. Out of those 23 years, we've had TWO good years. Was it worth it? NO. Two years ago we talked everything out and we really did make some changes. He became, for the briefest flicker of time, the man I always wanted to have as my husband. I thought we'd reconciled but he wouldn't let the past go. He kept beating me with it like a man beats a dog with a bloodied stick. He wouldn't stop no matter how much I begged him to stop and move on. 

As the song says.."I tried so hard and got so far..but in the end it doesn't really matter". 

In mid 2010 he started drinking heavily, ALL day and night..then, after flirting with rehab and drinking again, he stopped working completely and moved in with his father, who promptly dropped dead and left him a large inheritance. So now, at Age 50 he is "retired" and is going to "live his life and "no one had better get in his way." It's his way of enacting his "revenge" against all the perceived wrongs I'd done over the years. Yes, I did do bad things so I guess in his view "Two Wrongs Make a Right." 

Too bad about the wife and kids, eh? 

Fortunately I was able to salvage what was left of our savings in a secret bank account (ALWAYS do this in a bad marriage!) and I was able to put together our family business after he almost trashed it. I got my own apartment with my two kids and with the exception of our $1600/month health insurance and the kids medical expenses, I pay EVERYTHING. I work full time while he stays home and plays with his new toys and makes plans for where his next fishing expedition will be this summer with his new $50,000 boat. 

His plans for this coming summer? I asked him about that the other day under the misconception that perhaps things were getting better and would be changing. WRONG AGAIN.

He informed me that he's going to do like LAST summer and do exactly what he wants. BTW, he informed me that he "enjoys" my company and I'm "welcome" to come up to the lake and "join him." Too bad I have to do this nasty little thing called "work."

But last summer I was a fool and took time off and chased after him like a little lost puppy dog. He paid for my gas and food expenses then and then complained non stop to me about having done so and when I had the NERVE to suggest that maybe we should spend more quality time TOGETHER I was "hassling him." No, I'm not playing that game THIS year. 

Yep, so he lives like a king and we're the paupers. This past October he was on another "drunkfest" and hospitalized as a result. Once again, I was right there with him, cleaning him up after he crapped and vomited all over himself and all over his house. Paying his back bills, calling everyone from the tax collector in his town to his credit card bills and cleaning up his money messes. I also spent days shopping for food and cleaning his house and once he got into the hospital (for the third time in a year)..I was there for him day after day, night after night after working all day, in the hospital.

The doctors told him that if he continued to drink he was a dead man. Losing his business, his wife, his kids, most of his friends didn't convince him but he doesn't want to lose his life. After 3 weeks in the hospital and rehab, he finally manged to sober up and has remained sober for the past two months.

All I got was abuse for it. Not even a "thanks". That's when I'd FINALLY had my fill and started avoiding him. That's when I said "Enough". I had FINALLY put some distance between us and was finally starting to feel like I got my life back. I guess he sensed that and started pouring on the charm again...flowers, phone calls, sweet talk, etc. 

Stupid me fell for it and starting spending "Quality Time" again with him. We did Thanksgiving and it was nice. Then came Christmas and he was telling me how wonderful it was "to be a family again" so I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe, we could REALLY change things for the better. 

Then last night came the "talk" about our "future" together. What a "revelation" that was! More of the same:

He informed me that he'd "LOVE'' to share his life and home with me and we'd be splitting the bills 50/50 but he would NOT be sharing any of his money with me and that I was on my own. In other words, he wants a roommate, not a wife. He wasn't going to work if he didn't want to and I wasn't to expect anything from him so I'd better "get to work" and "take care of myself" (WTF have I BEEN doing for the past year? :scratchhead

This from a man who barely shows any affection. Barely looks at me when I stand naked before him (and I'm not bad to look at!) and feels "pressured" to have sex with me.  But I've been willing to put that aside and work things out but NO WAY am I going to continue to live the SAME way for the NEXT 20 years with him like I did for the LAST 20 years AND watch him saunter off to the beach or go fishing while I work my a*ss off. 

I told him "No way, we start fresh and with a CLEAN slate and put the past behind us once and for all.. and put our lives AND finances together." To his surprise I stood firm on this. I said "No way am I going to live as roommates under the same roof. It's not a marriage." He doesn't seem to understand about this. To me, it seems quite reasonable. So we are at an impasse. There IS no middle road. Just his way and my way. 

He then said to "let it drop for now". He still doesn't want a divorce and told me today that he wants things to be like they were over the past month and that "I mean a lot to him and can we just go back to the way it was last week (at Christmas)."

The ONE good thing about that talk I had last night is that there's no hope and it's once again firmed up my resolve. THIS time it's for real. I'm REALLY going to make the break. I suggest you do the same. 

It's NEVER going to change..EVER. Why continue to beat my head against a wall? :banghead: All you get is a headache! Does ANY OF THIS sound familiar to you? 

He wants to keep perpetuating the same "on again-off again" cycle we've been in for 20 years. I don't want that. I want a husband, someone to share their life and heart with me. I want a man who wants to be affectionate and have sex with me as a result. He isn't that man....

Does THAT sound familiar to you? Oh..it is, isn't it? Only you aren't standing at the end of a 20 year road..but at the beginning. 

Rewind back 20 years and I am YOU. YOU have that opportunity and choice NOW. Take it from me, there's no changing a selfish, abusive, controlling, manipulative man. You are married to one; just as I am. 

In a few years my kids will be grown and gone and I will have come full circle. I will be free too and I'm going to make the RIGHT choice as a result. The ONE good thing about growing older is that you can look back on your mistakes and learn from them. The WORST mistake you can make is the one you don't learn from. It's time to wise up!

HOW many times is your husband going to have to put you down, to abuse you, to make you feel like crap before you have had enough? Are you going to give in and in the hopes that it will make things better, add children to the mix and drag THEM through the same pain and suffering that you going through? At least YOU have a choice. Your kids won't have that same choice. 

Having kids WILL NOT make things better..it'll make it far worse. I will say that my kids are the BEST thing that ever happened to me as a result of my marriage but I paid a terrible price and so did they. Years of hearing screaming, yelling, crying and worse. 

Why do you think your husband WANTS children? To keep you anchored to him, THAT'S why! Because without you to control and manipulate he's NOTHING. You are like a a pitiful fly that he enjoys pulling the wings off of. You are his play toy, nothing more. 

It's the way of the abuser and nothing will change it...Not even when you are standing there with blood dripping down your arms and legs from the cuts that YOU YOURSELF put there as a result of all his emotional/verbal abuse.

Yes, you will come to feel so bad and guilty and horrible about yourself that eventually you will come to blame, hate and inflict pain and punish yourself. You'll do his job FOR HIM....Just as I did. 

SO THAT is where I'm at after 23 years. Take a good look at my story and walk a different path.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*accept - I have told him constantly for the past like 3 years. Begged him to please just talk to me. I've asked him that when I speak to him, if he doesn't have a response to just reply with "ok" or something, just to let me know that he atleast hears me. Also, if he doesn't understand, to just ask.*
Cant you like just watch a movie together and discuss it afterwards. There must be some way of talking to each other.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

accept said:


> Cant you like just watch a movie together and discuss it afterwards. There must be some way of talking to each other.


Yes, we do. I'm talking about serious things. Like if I'm upset and I try to talk to him about it, he looks right past me.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Freak on a Leash - Your story is amazing. I sympathize with you  I guess I'm worried about regret. I hate the unknown. I will NOT have children with him. He's a big kid himself. I know it's not a good idea. I had very loving parents, but when they did fight, I still remember it, and I can't imagine that happening everyday. How did you get past fear of the unknown?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

* Like if I'm upset and I try to talk to him about it, he looks right past me.*
Has it always been like this. Maybe he is somehow scared to mix in if youre upset. It often happens you may be upset about something else entirely nothing to do with him and then it suddenly gets to be upset about him as well.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

bluebeauty said:


> How did you get past fear of the unknown?


The "unknown"? That's interesting. I've never had that fear. I look at every new thing as something interesting and challenging.

I will say that I hesitated to leave for many years because I was afraid of being on my own. Yes, I'd lived by myself before. I've started my own business, traveled all over and done all sorts of things from racing cars, four wheeling to whitewater rafting and kayaking.

But to be truly alone, without the man I considered my life partner, to be the sole supporter and responsible for two kids? Relationships are like habits and they can be hard to break. It was daunting to be alone, to say the least. But when it happened I stepped up and did it and I'm proud of it. I'm a better person for it in the end. It gave me confidence and self esteem much more than any counseling or therapy ever did. . 

But it was the best thing that happened to me in the end because once you've swum across the ocean then a puddle is nothing.  I got thrown into the fire, got scorched but am stronger as a result. 

The way to get over your fear of the unknown is not to look at the "unknown" as something to fear but as an adventure, something to be embraced and explored. Not the end, but instead the start of a new beginning. 

You are still young, have no obligation or responsibility to anyone but yourself. You are in a very enviable position. WHY stay with someone who makes you miserable? What is the point. :scratchhead: How can you regret taking steps to make yourself happier? Think about the regret you will feel if you waste your life being miserable. You only get one shot down the road of life so make the journey an good one. 

The most difficult part of a journey is the first step.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you so much for your response. I'm trying so hard to make a clear decision in my mind. I don't know why it's so hard, no intimacy, we argue alot, he doesn't want to spend time with my family and still I hang on...I don't know why???!?!?!?! It's driving me nuts.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

I think I'm having a hard time admitting that this happened...how did we fall out of love  Sorry, feeling desperate and sad today...


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