# Lost, hurt and confused



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

I apologize if this is all over the place, I have no idea what to do here. 

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 8. We had a child almost 4 years ago, and 2 weeks after the birth of our child, my husband completely threw a wrench in our relationship. He wasn't sure he wanted to stay married to me, but couldn't describe what was going on. We tried marriage counseling for a while. It seems like we just keep staying in this relationship, sometimes trying. 
It's hard to tell where we are at because he is currently out of state finishing up his doctorate (he has 2.5 more years). Meanwhile I am at home with our child, taking care of everything. 
I haven't been able to get over the hurt from almost 4 years ago. And still, my husband does not tell me he loves me (I've been lucky to year him actually say "I love you" once a year). We still communicate (although difficult with distance), have skype dates etc....but I have built walls and am wary. 
My recent issue has been that he also doesn't say "I love you" to our daughter. It's one thing to not say it to me, but to his own child really pisses me off. 

I guess I wonder, is there anything normal about this? How do I know when to be done? There are so many times I am lonely only for the fact that I think being married to be with someone should be different...but I've been doing it so long I feel ok with being just me. It's not that I need him to love me, it would be nice....but I don't really want to stay with him if there is no love. I also fear that if I leave, that I will find myself alone, or that nobody will love me, or I make the wrong choice. 

I wish this was cut and dry, it's just so complicated.


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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

> I also fear that if I leave, that I will find myself alone, or that nobody will love me


Self-esteem low? I believe there's more than one potential match out there for everyone, and if you put yourself in the right place, both mentally and physically, you'll do fine. So don't worry about that, worry more about the lack of closeness in your relationship.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

ZaphodBeeblebrox, that part of my post that you quoted is more of the back of my mind thought. And yes I have self esteem issues, doesn't help that I've had these relationship issues either. The idea of even dating if I left this relationship isn't on my radar at this point.


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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

Good. Don't worry about that. You need to put your energy on figuring out what you're going to do with your relationship. Time also for self-inventory - acknowledging you have an issue with self-esteem is a good first step. Know your issues, and come up with a plan to overcome them.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Well I can tell you what I think I see here, but without more information, it is hard to tell for sure.

What I think is going on is that as long as it was just the two of you, he never really had to fully commit. For some people, they can get married because they know if things don't work out they can always get a divorce. Once the baby came along everything changed. He saw responsibility and he didn't like it. Kind of like "buyers remorse".

How was your relationship before? How was he during the pregnancy?

Four years is plenty of time for him to figure out what is wrong. Do you have a way of supporting yourself?

As for finding someone else, we never know, you didn't know if you would find love the first time - until you found it. You are young, and if that is you in your avatar, you are very attractive. There is no reason to think you could not find a great guy who would love you and your daughter.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

JustHer said:


> How was your relationship before? How was he during the pregnancy?


Our relationship seemed fine, happy for the most part. He didn't seem to freak out until after our daughter was born. We had been trying for 2 years to conceive. 

And right now, yes I'm completely independent. My husband was accepted into pharmacy school out of state and when he was accepted he stopped working (with the exception of a few days on his breaks). So, I know that I could financially support myself and my daughter without him...and for 9 months out the year, I've been pretty much a single parent. 

I'm just not sure if this relationship is worth fighting for anymore. I don't know if him not saying that he loves me means that he doesn't (he says it's hard for him to say), and a few weeks ago our daughter told him she loved him and his response was "thanks". 

He says that he wants a second child (when he's done with school), but I want him to be the type of husband that he would want for his daughter before I would even consider the idea.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Why didn't you and your daughter move with him? Honestly I don't see your marriage surviving another 2.5 years of separation.

The other question is, if your needs aren't getting met, how long are you willing to live that way? Is it worth it?

No one can tell you what to do, we can help you look at the bigger picture and support in what ever you decide.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Why are you two not together when he is in school? 9 months without him is crazy. Does he see you weekly when he is in school? I think he needs to be a husband and not a student. I've known people that can do both. Sorry your here.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Why didn't you and your daughter move with him? Honestly I don't see your marriage surviving another 2.5 years of separation.


We didn't move because we own a home in an area where the market is horrible. We owe more than the home is currently worth and there are so many foreclosures in our neighborhood. And our home owners association doesn't allow renters. 

We still talk almost every day on skype and he has visited once a month so far this year. It isn't easy, but it was the best financial decision. Him going to school out of state was because he had been wait listed for the past couple of years for the two pharmacy schools in our area, so when he got accepted to a nearby state (it's only a 4 hour drive), we went with it.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

> We tried marriage counseling for a while.


How did that go? Did things change for a little bit and then go back to this? 

About not saying I love you to his kid.. very strange. How was his childhood?

The thing that concerns me is that he is gone 9 out of 12 months a year while you are financially supporting the kid/rent/etc. I take it? No I love yous? Are you being used? It is not going to get better when he comes back with tons and tons of student loans on top of the passionless marriage. 

Right now, at this point, it is best to cut your losses. It sounds like you have tried in the past to better the relationship and it has obviously not worked. Why live so miserable?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

How is he living up there? Is his housing paid for by the school?


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> How is he living up there? Is his housing paid for by the school?


He is basically living in a dorm covering everything with his student loans.
He is such an introvert and locks himself in his room playing videogames when he isn't studying that there is no worry about him cheating, I have even opened a discussion of open marriage which he opposed.

I am still losing out from his income because I am paying for his home and isn't like he pays child support. So I don't think he realizes how easy he has it.

We have discussed the IF things fell apart because I want to finish my degrees as well (we doubt know what we wanted til mid 20s and I never had the financial support of my family). He said he would be willing to do a post nuptial agreement where he will help me since I supported him. I have not done it...but I don't think he would be a complete jerk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

H30 said:


> He is basically living in a dorm covering everything with his student loans.
> He is such an introvert and locks himself in his room playing videogames when he isn't studying that there is no worry about him cheating, I have even opened a discussion of open marriage which he opposed.
> 
> I am still losing out from his income because I am paying for his home and isn't like he pays child support. So I don't think he realizes how easy he has it.
> ...


Well if you get divorced I can almost promise you he won't be paying for any of your college. I think he wants to be the man you want. He's trying to get a better paying career so he can support you and your child but your already doing that. I think you two need get back into MC, up there where he's at. Stay with him on the weekend. He needs to be a husband a father and a student last. He also needs to emotionally/physically take care of you. You can't do that on skype. You also need to clear to him that you are unhappy and something needs to change. Tell him even if he doesn't mean it to tell his child he loves him/her. If his priority has gone to being a full time student rather then a father and spouse it probably won't get better. You need to tell him what you need. He cannot read your mind. If let him do what he wants without knowing it hurts you, you will get trampled. Sorry your here, Ill be following your posts.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I am not sure if this is helpful,but I think this may be more about your husband's inner life than anything else. Some men are emotionally very repressed. It puts me in mind of my father who never said 'I love you' to us as children. In fact he barely spoke to us (he died when I was 18 so we never really had a relationship). I never heard him say'I love you' to my mother. In fact I barely ever saw him touch her. One can speculate why he was like this (I have my theories) but after the person has died that is of limited usefulness.

If my instinct is right, this may be a question of your husband learning to understand himself (he probably does love you in his fashion but is frightened by the responsibility of being a father). How that can be achieved, I confess I am unsure but I wish you well. Perseverence on your part and time may have an effect. Maybe counselling? Others may have better ideas.

I think we men do mellow somewhat as we get older and do perhaps get a little more in touch with our emotions as we age, but I think it is generally a slow process. 

I often recommend His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages and you might find those of interest. Others may have better recommendations.

Good luck.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Have you ever asked him point blank, "Why don't you tell us you love us?" Most likely he'll say something to the effect of, "It goes without saying" or "I would think that you would know because of everything I am doing for our family." 

If you tell him you want to hear him say it, and he keeps backpedalling then he has a problem. No, this is not normal.

And don't worry. You appear to be very attractive. The picture you have as an avatar is very pretty. You won't be alone. But I hope you are very choosey. Wait for a man of quality, not just any port in the storm. You won't be alone.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can't decide if he's just biding his time and treating you like his SugarMama or if it's a love language thing. If he was open and affection before your daughter was born, then I'd say he's going to graduate and walk away. I'd also say that he absolutely does understand how good he has it, and that you'd be wise to get that agreement in writing now, before he's close to graduating. 

On the other hand, if he didn't tell you he loved you before you had her, either, then consider what his love language is. How does he demonstrate that he cares for other important people in his life? By spending time with them? Providing for them financially or giving gifts? By doing things for them? Through touch? Figure this out and then consider if he's showing you and your daughter love in a way that might not be YOUR native love language. 

I agree that you should live together, too. You have a variety of options for dealing with your house. Since you can't rent it out, you can contact your lender, explain your hardship (husband went to school and has been unable to find work is a good one) and work toward a short sale or ask them to accept a deed-in-lieu of foreclosure. If you divorce, that house could wind up being a nightmare for you if you're underwater now. (I'm a real estate agent and have seen this happen quite a few times. It wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to a financial planner who specializes in divorce financial planning, either.) In any case, if you can rid yourself of the house and move together, you're more likely to find ways to reconnect.


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## eyjdkdyqing (Dec 27, 2013)

I apologize if this is all over the place,


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Update so far: I had begun to really consider divorce, or at least prepare for the possibility,
ready to look up lawyers. I decided I would give it a chance to see how things could be when my husband came home for his winter break...if things were the same or worse, I would start getting my ducks in a row. 
And my husband came home, and while we both were working...we got to spend a lot of quality time together. There were no fights (or those we had were mere calm discussions that didn't and in tears or shutting down)
I felt like I did when we first married. We only got one date ..but it was amazing. Dropped our kiddo off with my sister, went to the city for a fancy dinner and to see Phantom of the Opera. During our drive we even spoke of future, my schooling plans, where we want to live, etc 
To be honest...this has been his first trip all home in a year and a half that I wasn't waiting him to leave back for school.
He left yesterday, called me a couple minutes after he left to tell me that he loves me and our daughter...I really needed that. He is making changes.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

:smthumbup: Very good H30, I am happy for you........


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I am soooooo happpy for you both!!


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