# Divorce: Are you the winner or the loser?



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

As the BS and the one being forced into divorce, I often feel like there's a winner and a loser here - and I'm the loser. But then I think a little deeper...

The goal of marriage is a lifelong, loving commitment. I'm still willing to play the game. She's forfeiting. So really, who's the loser? 

A slight shift in perspective makes all the difference. Hope that helps you recover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

There REALLY are no winners in divorce. You just get to see all of your hopes and dreams get run over by something really stupid, like sudden lust and high school drama. As a man, you can not back down, as a women, heck, I guess she just want's more, and no matter what you give, it's just never enough.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> There REALLY are no winners in divorce. You just get to see all of your hopes and dreams get run over by something really stupid, like sudden lust and high school drama. As a man, you can not back down, as a women, heck, I guess she just want's more, and no matter what you give, it's just never enough.


This question as well as David's answer made me sad. Yes, there REALLY are no winners in divorce...especially if the divorce is because of infidelity. There are minimum of 2 families who suffer and it's very very painful.

For short-term one party may feel like a winner.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

NotDoneYet said:


> As the BS and the one being forced into divorce, I often feel like there's a winner and a loser here - and I'm the loser. But then I think a little deeper...
> 
> The goal of marriage is a lifelong, loving commitment. I'm still willing to play the game. She's forfeiting. So really, who's the loser?
> 
> ...


Everyone has to sleep. And everyone has those moments where they reflect on life as they lie in bed waiting to sleep. 

You get to sleep soundly. 

Her? She has to deal with who she is. When she's 65 years old she'll go to bed and remember that she treated you wrong. 

Trust me man. You're the winner.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> There REALLY are no winners in divorce. You just get to see all of your hopes and dreams get run over by something really stupid, like sudden lust and high school drama. As a man, you can not back down, as a women, heck, I guess she just want's more, and no matter what you give, it's just never enough.


Well said. It's unfortunate though that society generally seems to assume there's something wrong with the one being dumped, and the sense that they're looking at me funny often makes me feel like she "won" and I "lost" - especially because she came out of it with someone else. But the truth of course is we're both miserable, she just has a drug to mask her pain (the OM).


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

People I've known who have been cheated on and left tend to come out even or on top in time. I don't look at those people as losers but as victims. Maybe that's what you see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Everyone has to sleep. And everyone has those moments where they reflect on life as they lie in bed waiting to sleep.
> 
> You get to sleep soundly.
> 
> ...


Thanks much, every affirmation helps. And I've often thought that myself. There will come a day when I'm completely over this. She will never have that, and every single time she has an argument with the OM, she will know the grass isn't greener and wonder if it was all worth it.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> People I've known who have been cheated on and left tend to come out even or on top in time. I don't look at those people as losers but as victims. Maybe that's what you see.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. I've taken this opportunity to reflect on our relationship and improve myself. She comes out of this learning nothing.

I'm going to make some woman a well-educated, loving husband. She's going to repeat the same mistakes.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

I didn't think in these terms.

Marriage to me was a team effort. Once they abandon the team they are no longer relevant. It isn't about winning and losing in the sense of me vs. her. I was on my own and she was a non-entity. 

That's what I aspired to, anyway. The more distance between you the easier this is. If you get emotionally vested in hoping the worst for her then it is wasted energy and a set-up for disappointment when she doesn't end up getting hit by a cement truck.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

DavidWYoung said:


> There REALLY are no winners in divorce. You just get to see all of your hopes and dreams get run over by something really stupid, like sudden lust and high school drama. As a man, you can not back down, as a women, heck, I guess she just want's more, and no matter what you give, it's just never enough.


you don't get "all your hopes and dreams" shattered, just some of the old ones. Better still is the knowledge that being with someone capable of cheating was more than likely a barrier to those old hopes and dreams anyway, and now there is room for some new ones.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Let's see. I am a BS. My divorce was rough but it helped me a lot.

I learned how to be more self sufficient.
I have a much better relationship with my kids.
I am in much better shape. Part of my healing therapy was to work out in the gym constantly.
I have a beautiful and loving girlfriend.
I spend much more quality time with my kids.

I am a LOSER in the divorce. I lost valuable time with my kids that I can never get back. There is nothing I can do to restore a missed Christmas or Thanksgiving.

But I know I lost some things, but I found others. I reworked my dreams and goals and my life is getting steadily better. I may have LOST somethings, but I FOUND some other better things that I love. Self Respect, better relationships, more quality time, etc...


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

2asdf2 said:


> What if she is 68 and goes to bed and does not remember that she treated me wrong?


Then you really win. 

Because she either has alzheimer's or she had to go through hell to condition herself to think that she's okay. Essentially she had to remake herself out of polarized guilt.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Winner: Me. I got a lot of good karma in my past life, so that I am getting out of this mess so early in my life.

Loser: OM. Now he has to deal with her for the rest of his life, as they are going to have children as soon as possible. Too much bad karma for him from past life.


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

I'm still in the early stages of my divorce so I feel differently about this everyday. I was told "nobody wins in a divorce you just survive it". 
I feel like a winner when I think about how I figured it out on my own. I was winning the night I threw my lawyers card in h's lap and told him how I knew about the affair & he sat there & cried. But I feel like a loser when I think about how I obviously loved him more than he loved me. I feel like a loser everytime my kids are visiting with him because I feel it's not fair to me, I didn't make a selfish decision he did so why should I suffer.
My biggest win right now is knowing more about the OW than I think my h does. After I spoke to the OW's ex-h I went for days without a tear. All of the things my h complained about in our marriage was apparently magnified in their marriage. I know right now he thinks he's winning because he's currently living a life without responsibilities in the lust stage of a relationship & the OW is on her best behavior but soon enough one of them will slip up and their relationship built on lies will come crashing down.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm the loser in mine, at least from a financial perspective. STBXW has seven figure wealth~ I barely have a vestige of my pension left. But because of a prenup, she is trying to personally sue me for what she feels that I owe her(250K to 70K) for 7-1/2 years of marriage to her.

In addition, I now feel like the loser in largely finding myself missing my in-laws( her parents/brother, sister, cousins and their families) who I came to know so well and to love so much. That aspect is almost like having your emotional legs literally taken out from under you!

But provided that I can get out of this situation without financially owing her anything, which hopefully will happen, then I'll greatly feel like the true winner, despite having to miss the comaraderie of her extended family so very much!


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Financially, I am worse off but my sanity was priceless. After I uncovered the evidence of the affair and the other things he was up to, I invited him to leave. He was quite cross when a few months down the line, I had him served with the papers at work. He sent a message via my son that I was not "allowed" to divorce him and that we must wait two years and do it my separation and everything split 50/50. Hell no 

He refused my offer of financial settlement, walked out of mediation and in court, ended up with less than my offer and an 8k bill.

I got the house, my self respect and away from the cheating control freak. A bit of a result as far as I am concerned.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

NotDoneYet said:


> As the BS and the one being forced into divorce, I often feel like there's a winner and a loser here - and I'm the loser. But then I think a little deeper...
> 
> The goal of marriage is a lifelong, loving commitment. I'm still willing to play the game. She's forfeiting. So really, who's the loser?
> 
> ...


Well, financially I have lost...temporarily. I will be fine because I was a saver...she was not. I do lose about 1/3 of that to her. I also get the house but I have to buy her out...no big deal. I keep all of my stuff...most was premarital. I have a good career so I will recover; she does not...never applied herself. She was always financially parasitical. Her life style will drop considerably. After the 5 years of spousal support is over she will have a tough time. Her POSOM has a low income and can't afford to pay for her spending habits. She always valued her lifestyle…nice home, new cars, clothes, vacations, free time, etc, that I provided. It should be interesting to see how she enjoys living without it.

Emotionally I feel I have lost...but temporarily as well. I had all of my hopes and dreams destroyed because they were wrapped up in visions of a life time spent with her. I wanted to grow old with her and always thought we would. I am feeling stronger everyday but the healing process will take time. I have learned so much from this horrible betrayal...she has not. She never did the work she needed to grow and change or even figure out why she could do what she did. She blame-shifts to me. She will undoubtedly repeat the same mistakes with POSOM or in any future relationships except she will always have the added burden of guilt. Although, she is a compartmentalizer….locks it away and forgets anything she doesn't want to deal with. At least I will always have my honor and integrity.

I will be lonely for a while…that is a lose for me. I do need to get my emotional stuff in order before searching for someone new. I won't do a rebound relationship. Unfortunately, I also acquired a mistrust of women because of STBXWW's betrayal and the betrayal by my first wife over 20 years ago. Reading all of the WW stories on sites like TAM doesn't help in that department. I have learned a lot here but along with that, I have learned that it is far too common and sometimes hard to predict. This general mistrust will be difficult to overcome.

I have lost in terms of time in my life...I am almost 50. I feel young but my age may make it more difficult to find someone new and start over. I feel I gave her my best years. STBXWW is 9 years younger then me and is very attractive. She has some good years left but she doesn't take care of herself physically or emotionally. Unlike mine, Longevity does not run in her family. That was part of her mid-life crisis.

I have lost time with my children. 50% time is not 100% time. I feel they have lost as well but they know I was the faithful parent and I tried everything to save us.

In the end I will come out of this OK but I don't consider it a win in any way at this point. If I am fortunate enough to meet a wonderful woman in the future, to replace what I have lost, I would consider that a win. To me, there are no winners in divorce but some do end up with more. I really don't know about STBXWW. I guess her concept of winning would depend on what she values. If being single or with her lying, cheating, diseased, POSOM, going out all the time, drinking and partying is what she values, then she will consider that a win for her.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Bombs don't keep score.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

Agreed there are no winners. However, financially speaking, women are the winners irrespective of the reasons for divorce.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

WhatASituation said:


> Agreed there are no winners. However, financially speaking, women are the winners irrespective of the reasons for divorce.


Which specific women? Not my ex W, she is the loser, even if she doesn't realize it yet, and even if she comes across as more contented now. I guarantee her life is more difficult currently and will continue to be in the future, especially financially speaking - though her business has tons of potential and I'm sure she is learning how to manage it better all the time, and as she does it will mean less child support payments I have to provide her and if her income surpasses mine it will mean she will have to make child support payments to me instead.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

Lon said:


> Which specific women? Not my ex W, she is the loser, even if she doesn't realize it yet, and even if she comes across as more contented now. I guarantee her life is more difficult currently and will continue to be in the future, especially financially speaking - though her business has tons of potential and I'm sure she is learning how to manage it better all the time, and as she does it will mean less child support payments I have to provide her and if her income surpasses mine it will mean she will have to make child support payments to me instead.


Sorry I should've specified. Typically in marriages of say 10+ years, if the man was making the money, with our no-fault laws in place, the woman gets nice payments on top of child support. So in other words, she could have screwed all your neighbors on the street, and as the man, you'd have to pay her sorry but for years to come.

Ok bitter mode off! lol


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

WhatASituation said:


> Sorry I should've specified. Typically in marriages of say 10+ years, if the man was making the money, with our no-fault laws in place, the woman gets nice payments on top of child support. So in other words, she could have screwed all your neighbors on the street, and as the man, you'd have to pay her sorry but for years to come.
> 
> Ok bitter mode off! lol


depends what her role was for those 10+ years... personally, if my ex had been a SAHM (the real kind, that actually child reared, cooked, and cleaned and supported me so I could have worked a more demanding career with higher salary) and sacrificed earning potential in order to do that role, then I would say she is entitled to some spousal support, and of course if she is the primary custodian she is entitled to child support.

OTOH, the kind of structure we had, I found jobs that were more flexible on hours so I could be home more to support her, and she took in daycare kids which meant that the things a SAHM would do weren't really an option - in cases like that, if the courts took a stance on the guy being a high income earner, then I would have gotten screwed... But I wasn't a high income earner, nor the clear breadwinner, and so it followed that such a support structure you mention (H having to pay large amounts of spousal and child support) wouldn't really have been applicable. I can see how the courts could get it wrong from time to time, especially going back a generation or two when it was almost expected the H be the sole income earner.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I don't know about winner vs loser, but at this point, I'm the one losing the most & paying the bigger consequences for the really crappy choices he made. It's just a slap in the face. Thankfully, I have my wits about me & don't dwell on that too much.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Decimated said:


> Well, financially I have lost...temporarily. I will be fine because I was a saver...she was not. I do lose about 1/3 of that to her. I also get the house but I have to buy her out...no big deal. I keep all of my stuff...most was premarital. I have a good career so I will recover; she does not...never applied herself. She was always financially parasitical. Her life style will drop considerably. After the 5 years of spousal support is over she will have a tough time. Her POSOM has a low income and can't afford to pay for her spending habits. She always valued her lifestyle…nice home, new cars, clothes, vacations, free time, etc, that I provided. It should be interesting to see how she enjoys living without it.
> 
> Emotionally I feel I have lost...but temporarily as well. I had all of my hopes and dreams destroyed because they were wrapped up in visions of a life time spent with her. I wanted to grow old with her and always thought we would. I am feeling stronger everyday but the healing process will take time. I have learned so much from this horrible betrayal...she has not. She never did the work she needed to grow and change or even figure out why she could do what she did. She blame-shifts to me. She will undoubtedly repeat the same mistakes with POSOM or in any future relationships except she will always have the added burden of guilt. Although, she is a compartmentalizer….locks it away and forgets anything she doesn't want to deal with. At least I will always have my honor and integrity.
> 
> ...



Your STBXW has an awful lot in common with my EX-W. All I can say is that 5 years down the road, I'll bet that you are in far better shape than her - not just financially, but emotionally and health-wise. I'm almost 50 and that's how I wound up... It cost me a quarter million in the first three years, but now I'm better off and happier than I every thought possible with the kind of partner that I though was only the stuff of stories.  I know you feel burned, but for someone who has learned from it and grown, serious relationship version 2.0 is almost always a huge improvement as you have the benefit of soooo much "hard-earned" experience. 

Your heart will take time to heal, but it *will* heal. Time and the change of scenery will do that. Don't worry about being nearly 50 keeping you from being attractive to the (younger) ladies. As long you take care of yourself.. emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.... you'll find that your options have never been better. 

My EX-W remarried the month after the alimony ended to someone making a third of what I made (which is ironic because back when married she used to often scream at me "I could so easily get a guy who makes *twice* what you do" as a way to beat me down ... ). For the first time in her in life, she's had to deal with a major lifestyle downshifting as an ongoing / permanent situation. Heck might even freeze over as apparently she's now looking for a job for the first time in nearly 20 years.

Be the best dad you can be. Don't let her take that from you, or interfere with your parenting. Be firm. Some great resources on DadsDivorce.com specific to father's issues.

One thing to watch out for is her trying to use the kids as excuses to extract more/extra money from you. If you let her do it a couple times, she'll see you as an ATM machine ("but.. the *kids* NEED it!) and treat you accordingly. I found it necessary to give her the ongoing impression that I was not doing as well financially as I actually am, not to deprive the kids of anything really needed, but to keep her from seeing me as an 'easy mark'. (She's getting over the state maximum in CS as it is).


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm the winner by a country mile. I had to pay him a lump sum to buy him out of the house but I'm the one with a secure well paying job, a house, good pension, etc. I also got out of a stultifying marriage where I provided all financial and emotional support for not to much in return.

He got some money (a lot more than he was entitled to) which is dwindling fast, he's on his second job since we split, he's moved a woman in who is 10 years older and unemployed so he's having to support her too. He doesn't have to pay me one red cent...some might say he's lucky...but I know different 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Financially I ended up the winner, got the house, the car, don't have to pay alimony or child support. She's thousands in debt and can't (or won't) find a better job and the POSOM makes peanuts. Now she's telling me her life is hell, she broke her own heart, Life is killing her, and she wants to return to me but "doesn't know how."

But I feel like I've lost far more. I lost my family. And lose big chunks of time with my daughter. I loved my ex very much, she was my best friend, and she ripped me apart. I will heal, but none of the financial advantages or her life falling apart can ever make up for what I lost.


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