# newly married, husband gets angry easily



## whattodowithhim (Jul 27, 2017)

Long but PLEASE read.

Please be nice to me. Please. I cannot take any more being blamed got someone else's demons. I will try to be brief.

Met my husband at work mid 2015. We got together after friendship in October 2015. We click. In most every way. We are in love. He pursued me and wanted to be with me. I moved in with him in March 2016. Life was good. I could see from time to time he got irritated with some things, like if he cannot find something or it doesn't work. I should mention he is or was a combat marine that did a tour of Iraq in 2003. He was a machine gunner, right there on the front lines. The thing is I am very feisty too. Have had issues before like when my mother died among others close to me. Hardly any left. But I have been in therapy for years, committed to change and am light years better than I was. My first husband would have loved who I am today. I left him by the way. I wasn't in love and as I grew older and matured, I realized that. I also went through a few jerks, including a violent NUT in 2010-11. All this made me determined to be the best I could be for the "one" when he came along. I have volunteered in Africa, I am Australian and like who I am. 

Now enter P we will call him. I was eager to marry soon as we want a family. His one son of 16 lives with us. The first year together, I was the one that had a few moments where I was out of line and yelled, had a tantrum etc. Not scary like when he does it but still not ok. He told me regarding marriage, he was concerned about that and how we interact. So, I dedicated myself even harder to therapy, calmed down even more and 7 months later we married in May 2017. Now, he has had some incidents that are NOT OKAY and will NOT alter his behavior. I beg him to not take things so seriously and not ruin the day, he gets this look that gives me chills. He says, "YOU PICK PICK PICK AT ME". We have gone to premarital counseling and again now we are married. One incident was about 6 weeks back. We had a disagreement. I wasn’t going nuts in his face, name calling etc. It was an somewhat heated argument. He came around from behind the island in the kitchen, got really close and started screaming in my face. I walked into the next room and grabbed a chair to put between us. He screamed at me, “Quit playing the victim!” 5’11, 230 pounds of him, raging at me. He did this earlier at the park too because I wouldn’t get up to help him find the cheese. Yes, that seems reasonable. OMG. Having gone through this with the ex, I know things can escalate. I honestly cannot get him to grasp how anger is a CHOICE. It is up to him how he reacts. I get blamed. I am getting sick of it. Fast. 

I have been and gone through this with the ex jerk and lack the patience for terrifying tantrums. I beg you all hear me. I have reflected hard and done soul searching. While I am not a passive cupcake, this in my heart feels very wrong. I try to give him respect. The latest- Last night we were on our old sailboat we just got. The motor has some issues which have showed themselves a few times and it is frustrating. Every time, I hear about it, complete with the fuming and cursing. Yes I get it. We paid to have it fixed and it is still broken. I am not allowed to address this behavior or I "frustrate him". See guys, I am dealing with my OWN **** as it is and trying to deal. I have tried it his way, anger etc and it DOES NOT WORK OR HELP MATTERS! My mother's death made me someone I never want to be again. I try to focus on SOLUTIONS now. He is not there yet. Thing is, at work selling cars, the level of patience he has I cannot even compete with. If there is a car deal and money at stake, he is a different person. Well, I have tried to tell him, this is his marriage at stake, I want to same patience and respect his clients get. What if we both fumed and huffed at everything? This marriage would never have been!!! He will not budge or attempt to stay calm. Not for a moment.

So, the boat last night. We head off and the motor dies. Close by a boat, a man yells can he throw a rope and help us? We are very close to our slip where we park. My husband said no, told me he will jump in the water and swim the boat in to park it. I said NO it's not safe. For those of you who don't know, you’re not supposed to swim in marinas because of the chance of ESD (Electric Shock Drowning). There are SIGNS saying NO SWIMMING. Not many people know this but people die quite often as electricity can leak from faulty wiring. Look it up, it is real and scary. He knows this and we agreed no swimming there for safe reasons. So I tell the guy, please throw a rope. In my mind I am simply thinking “ I don’t want him swimming and he knows this, it is not safe”. He gives this look, the guy rescues us but boy is P pissed. Just silent and I can feel the bad vibes oozing. I try to explain that not only is it for safety not to swim, but I also wanted the boat to mingle and meet people and learn off of them.

I said, very calmly and choosing my words carefully so as not to upset him, “Look, they helped and we met some nice people who referred us to a mechanic”. We wouldn’t have had this chance if we turned their help down. The fact is we are novices and don’t know what we are doing. This is the point of the boat. It is a community”. We have plans to sail across to my country in a bigger boat in 2 years and need the help and practice we can get! We both work in sales so he says, “don’t try to close me”. He won’t see my point, he is cold and shut down. I start crying, “We are not salespeople now. We are married and I am trying to communicate!”. He was so angry that I chose to get help. He took it as this huge disrespect to him because I insisted on getting help. He said we should have had a conversation about it. “You ignored me and did your own thing!!“ he said. I told him, it is not safe to swim. To me I was keeping us safe and had good motives. He is insecure I believe. Most rageaholics are. I said, “this isn’t a dictatorship, it’s a partnership”. I told him it’s not a safe place to get in water. He shrugs it off. “Everyone does it”, he says flippantly. I can’t believe it. All my talks about staying safe, completely ignored, disregarded. If he made a judgment call on something and told me a good reason for it, I would not act like this if roles reversed. Example- “Baby, I was keeping us safe. You can’t swim here. You know this”. I would be cool and trust him.

Start BBQ. I cannot get him to talk. Can’t see what he is thinking even though I ask. Won’t snap out of it. I say, “I feel very scared and upset that this sort of thing has to go on. Anger to me is selfish and cruel, I fell you have no regard for those around you when you do this”. His face distorts as UGLY and full of rage as possible and he leans over aggressively to get in my face. “You’re always picking at me!” he growls. I says, “Get out of my face”. I pack my things, get off boat. I said “You’re going to end up alone, P”, very calmly as I walk off. “I will meet you at front, I would like to go home please”.

Yes, he is usually great and funny and nice, aren’t they always? Blah blah blah. I don’t care. I want some effort made to be calmer, some acceptance that this is OVER REACTING. I am not perfect but this do not deserve this behavior. I get blamed for his rage. He has no idea how bad I can be if I want to. Ha! What sucks is I was counting on this child. I am 40. I haven’t had one yet as I keep getting jerks. Time nearly out, I have no family almost and this feels like a huge setback and now I wonder if I will ever get my chance. No lectures. I get it. I am always the one to try and fix things. He doesn’t even come to me and say sorry. Just excuses. “Oh I didn’t get a chance to, you wouldn’t let me”. Not this time. I will keep my distance until he is willing to discuss. He will get therapy. He will change. Or, I won’t be here. I am here online because I need to know I am not crazy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I know this will not be what you want to hear, but you will not be able to change him and any time you spend doing so will simply be wasted time.

Most of us want to believe that our love for each other will cause our partners to grow and learn and pull out of their own patterns and become better partners and do the things they "should" do in order to keep us and make us happy.

But the reality is that people (especially people like you've described your H to be) do not change and trying to make them change is like trying to push a noodle.

I'm sorry, I just don't see where he's giving you any hope to hang on.

I don't sense that you are crazy, however, staying in this situation and continuing to hope that it will change will make you crazy over time.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You are in a tricky position. Damned if you do or don't.

Let’s be real thou. P has severe anger issues… that WILL NOT go away on their own. A marriage, even if its 10 years old, etc – shouldn’t not involve one partner walking on eggshells. Yeah, I get angry too. I had a very crappy day at work yesterday. I took a 5min break from people to burn off steam. On the way home, got me an ice-cream to comfort my thoughts. I was so pissed, I vented to my wife about my crappy time. Not anger towards her. She doesn’t walk on egg-shells. Only time she’s made me mad is when she cheated on me.

So, take that in perspective. His anger at small things. What about the big issues when they come up?
Likely his anger and fuse will get worse with time and age. If he isn’t willing to do something about it – then that should tell you that the marriage isn’t that meaningful to him. He’s blind to his rage and blind to reason. You cannot change him... you can point out the problems and he will have to decide if he wants to change for the better.

Imagine 2 years from now, more rage and being stuck on a boat with him. Oh, and doing a long-distance sailing trip with a few years of experience – that isn’t safe. Easy to DIE out there. Or have an “accident”.

Here is me, if that boat situation happened: “oh? I didn’t know/forgot about that. Thanks for telling me.”.

You have a few choices and you need to convey them to him. Maybe a letter so he reads it when you are not near so it gives him time to process. Time is not on your side if you want to have a baby. Consider adopting.

A - No active changes (you stay silent) – things get worse until you divorce years later.
B - No active changes (you stay silent) – and things somehow get better (after they get worse) and things get better. You wait to see how he gets before you get pregnant.

C- He refuses your recommendations for anger management (could be combat related). Gets angry. Then you’re back to A or B.

D – He goes to get help (VA maybe?) doesn’t improve or gets worse – then what? Want to have a child in that environment?
E – He gets help, improves – then you are happy and he is happy.

Either way, you’re looking at 1~3 years of him getting his issues sorted out. You should see some noticeable chanced in a few months in the right direction.

F – Things get worse, you cut your loses. It hurts. Will take you 1-2 years to recover and hopefully meet someone else who is better.

The older you get, the more likely there were be complications with the pregnancy and/or the fetus. This isn’t about fantasy “Older people have babies all the time” – yeah, they do. But the failure rate shoots up each year over the age of 30, gets worse in the 40s. Autism rates skyrocket. If you haven’t – you can look this up yourself. Either way, you’re looking at another 1~3 years to sort this mess out.

Point is : HE has to make an effort to do something or nothing now. Find out where he stands and willing to go. Don’t wait another 6 months to find out.

So either you live with it, things get better or you leave for another possibility. 

He also increases the chances of you having an affair, maybe you met a nicer guy and so you test the waters before switch over… women do this. It’s a very WRONG thing to do.

Good luck… hopefully he will see his actions are hurting you. Tell him that “Someone you love – shouldn’t live in fear of you”


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I agree with Faithful Wife. You may have a 10~15% chance to get through to him NOW. Things will get worse with time.

It sucks... but either cut your losses now or in the future. You maybe more miserable if you have a child with him - and a divorce later. Since he already has a teenage kid, that means he already has done his child-rearing. He may not be looking forward to that (and could be a part of his problem).


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

How old are you. Young guys are stupid. They get angry for no reason. I was an idiot in my twenties. I am still an idiot at 30, but at least no longer quick to anger.


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