# Husband emotionally cheated



## Justno1 (May 11, 2019)

Hi tam fam 

It’s a long read but please bear with me 

So my husband and I have been married for 3 years. We are both 26. We hVe known each other our whole lives. We attended the same school and lived in the same community. I don’t think we ever exchanged a word even till senior year where we sat a few centimetres away from each other. I eventually moved on to study for 4 years and I moved for work in the 5th year to a rural area. 

I then got a message from him asking how I was. I found it strange because we barely exchanged even one word and I decided to respond. He asked if we could meet up for coffee when I was visiting home so I agreed. Our first date was lovely. I could tell that he liked me a lot, he kept staring at me and trying to impress me. He admitted that he’d liked me from primary school days and never had the courage to tell me. Anyway, a year later we got married. 

Was I 100% sure ? No. Probably 99%. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, I lost my virginity to him after we married. I wasn’t his first but I was ok with that, because I loved him dearly and those things don’t matter to me. 

Moving on, I’m so gullible and trusting, I did not realise how much his family and friends despised me. His mum didn’t like me particularly because my husband was basically her ‘husband’ he took care of her financially and emotionally after his father left. He unfortunately had to drop out of university to get a job because his dad refused to support them. The mother is selfish and goes through many sugar daddies. Anyway, she didn’t like me from the get go and keeps asking for money and spoils (which is a story for another day). My husband did not know how to create boundaries and this caused a lot of friction in our marriage from the start. It’s better now yes, but boy did we struggle to get here. As for his father he pleaded with my husband not to marry me. If we had an Argument my husband would ask his dad for advice and his dad would tell him to leave me. Him and his new family took a bet on how long we’d stay married for. His father started ignoring me even when we went to visit him and I’d had enough. This cause a lot of friction because my husband felt I wasn’t trying but they hadn’t even given me a chance and I was judged. The other thing is I’m 100% introverted, i find it completely hard to socialize nevermind open up, but I definitely do reciprocate peoples attempts and I’m better one on one. So they mistook this for pride and being stuck up. Anyway he tried to patch things up with his dad and i and his dad ended up abusing me for about 2 hours telling me I’m a wh*re and I’ve slept with 99 men (I guess my husband was the 100th) I cried and fell apart and my husband couldn’t stand up for me because his father asked him to be quiet. I was so mad at him because he never protected me. I saw the small boy who grew up being bullied by his dad and was too afraid to stand up, he wasn’t a man. This all broke my heart. So this also took a long time to repair, his father eventually cut us both off. A year ago he got in touch and didn’t exactly apologize but he tried with actions so I reciprocated, obviously With caution. My husband is more attentive around them and he stands up for me so they don’t feel like they can get away with just saying anything. I think that the trauma from affected the time he took to stand up. Ever since he started standing up for me his mum has been having a hard time with it because for her it’s not about justice it’s about taking her side. I’m not 100% he will have my back but his made good head way I would say he is 80% there. I’m happy he’s trying to change and he did. Still, those scars didn’t heal overnight. 

Our sex life is extremely good. We both have high sex drives. Initially sex was very painful for me and it was not pleasurable whatsoever. Penetration had me crying and just enduring it until it was over. This was for about the first few months. I knew I had to persevere so that it would eventually get better. Eventually I had my first orgasm and he puts my needs before his, he always takes care of me first in the bedroom which I find very sexy and I’m 100% attracted to this man. Now that I don’t experience any pain we have sex about 4-5 times a week, sometimes more than once a day. I think my sex drive is higher than his but for the most part we really enjoy each other this way. 

A few months ago I looked at him and thought wow, I’m so in love, everything is so good, I actually feel overwhelming love when I look at this man. The next day I decided to look through his phone. This is a routine thing, not to find anything, we literally just look at each other’s pics and chats we both have access to each other’s phones. So I came across a chat between him and another woman. He had deleted the messages but for some strange strange reason , the whole thread appeared and then disappeared again. He flirted and asked this woman if she’d ever consider marrying him. She was flirting too. I could see it was fresh, provably going on for about a week. I was so furious and broken. He was shocked that I had found it because obviously he had deleted it. We had a huge fallout. I spoke to his uncle because he’s the one voice of reason and person who truly cares for him and he had a chat with him we tried to talk things through but I needed space. I really thought this would never have happened. His dad cheated on his mum for 5 years. He told my husband while he was in school and his academics suffered. My dad cheated on my mum. We both knew the pain affairs had on families and yet, here he was, just like his father. No it wasn’t a physical affair but cheating is cheating. It doesn’t have to be physical. 

So I slept in another bedroom and I ignored him for a week. I just couldn’t deal with the pain and work was busy so I had to keep it together. The one day he made me lunch and wrote a note and i read it but I left it the same way he did (maybe this was immature but I was so hurt) and when he returned home he thought that I hadn’t even touched the stuff. Yes, I didn’t touch the lunch. He got really mad, because rejection hurts on another level for him because of his dad. Anyway the next morning, I decide to look at his phone one more time. A part of me was looking for a sign because I was seriously considering leaving the marriage. Because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder because it was pretty clear to me he was uncertain of what he wanted. So there I see messages between him and his ex (who By the way tried to get him even after we were engaged and then married. She is still friends with his ‘friends’ and one of them tipped her off that there’s trouble in paradise so she immediately messaged him to ‘see if he’s ok’) ok wonderful, he told her he misses her called her beautiful, there were exchanges before that that I couldn’t see. Ok this set me over the edge , we were just recovering from his first offence and now this ? I was shocked and disgusted as hell. I packed my bags and left. When he realised what was happening he fought to get me back and said he did it cause he thought I didn’t love him anymore and was looking for comfort. He said he didn’t want to lose me and he would do anything. My mind was set on leaving and then unfortunately all the love I felt for him softened my heart. We were separated for some time but then I came back home. 

He is trying very hard to be better and to make things work and to build my trust again. The problem is, I’m really struggling with everything. I’m in constant fear he will lose interest and want someone else. It’s eating me up. I don’t trust him and I firmly believe that a cheater is a cheater. I feel stuck. And I’m so worried that 5 years down the line we will have kids and then he will go out and do this again and I’ll only have myself to blame. I don’t want to leave him but I do. I’m so angry. I’m so broken. I’m so hurt. I feel like the two of us were in this bubble of love and he popped it by inviting thorns into it. I feel so unsafe with him. I’m thinking of going to counselling but I really don’t want to. I’m in a terrible space. Yesterday we had a bad day I told him the pain is killing me and I ignored him and then he sent me this email: 


I am not sure where to start ..
*
Since the day I met you, I may not have loved you, but you have been nothing but special to me. The day I married you, was the happiest day of my life. You brought so much joy, laughter and happiness into our marriage, even when you were down and out, you kept your head high and strong, for us.. you sacrificed so much, I cannot account for all the times you have, I want you to know, I dearly appreciate it.
*
I always perceived myself as something of a loser or a weakling, which I am. Today I have come to realise that the pain I caused you, will be eternal and, its like a knife going through my rock hard heart every time I think about it. I’m sorry wont cut it. X, my ego and a wave of evil had overcome me in my moment of vulnerability, I felt so lost, so empty without you… my world was crashing… what I did, whether out of anger towards you, or egotistical, is no excuse.. what I done was disgusting and well, Wrong.
*
X, I think about you all the time. I wonder how you’re doing, how’s your day going? Are you coping? Did you eat? .. I never thought I’d know the true meaning of love, until I met you. I truly believe that no matter how much hate or anger overcomes a person, it does not justify my actions. X, I cannot thank you enough for entering my life. You are the shining star that illuminates my small, bland galaxy.
I will love you with everything I have, until I die, know that. But, your happiness is equally as important to me. If by you looking at my disgusting cheating face means that , your wound and your precious heart will be torn again, then maybe it’s best that I am not around you any longer? (this will kill me)
*
I am trying, so hard, to be a better human, a better husband. I never imagined that I would be lucky enough to have someone like you, to call my wife. I am lucky.
*
What I done goes against all my beliefs and values. The devil had won that round, but the next 11 are mine. I will be a better man, for you, for our family


...........

I don’t know how to move forward in my mind. Our lives are moving forward, our sex life hasn’t been affected. We are making plans to travel soon, we just bought a new home. But I’m stuck in my mind. 
I love him dearly. But my mind is going to all sorts of places. Like his cousin proposed to me before he did and I obviously said no but now I wonder... I wonder about the men who wanted me and I feel like I’ve missed my chance for a happier life. My one best friend who is male ( I also know him from school days) liked me too but I never felt that way and not I think what if? We are still good friends and he’s now getting married and I see the way he is with his fiancé and sometimes I wish it was me. I feel so bad but cheating in any way shape or form was my one thing I can’t handle because of my past. And he knew that and he transgressed that line. Don’t you do that to someone you don’t care for? Hurt them where you know it hurts most. I guess I’m reaching out for help on how to cope because I’m going crazy I feel like a prisoner in my own mind.

Thank you if you made it this far!


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

You two will need therapy. Individual first then together. It seems he has a lot of issues surrounding his submissiveness to his family and lack of boundaries in regards to other women.

Concentrate on yourself for a while. Yes, it’s nice of him to give you an email with many pretty promises, but as you saw in the texts, he can say anything. He needs to back those words up with actions now.

It’s also all right if it is too much.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Honestly, you need to STOP blaming his 'bad childhood' for his ****ty behavior. He's a grown ass MAN, capable of making his own decisions and more so, is old enough to know the *difference* between right and wrong.

It's NOT rocket science. Stop making excuses for the *unacceptable*.

All you've done with this guy is continually consent to lowering the bar every time he disrespects you. You lower the bar on what you're willing to accept from this fool and you make all kinds of excuses for him and justify his disgusting disrespect towards you because you want to hang onto him like grim death. And in order to do that, you once again lower your expectations and ignore your boundaries and blame his father/family/relatives/whoever else you can blame for his latest unacceptable betrayal and disrespect.

The best piece of advice I can give you is this: when someone SHOWS you who they are, _believe_ them.

He's shown you, very very *CLEARLY*, exactly who he is, more than once.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM sweetheart. 

Before I do a full reply-

What do you want the result to be?


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## Justno1 (May 11, 2019)

Spicy said:


> Welcome to TAM sweetheart.
> 
> Before I do a full reply-
> 
> What do you want the result to be?


Hi, thank you so much. Well we are staying together so I’m trying to be more positive. I’ve given him a chance so I want to move forward with him.


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## Justno1 (May 11, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Honestly, you need to STOP blaming his 'bad childhood' for his ****ty behavior. He's a grown ass MAN, capable of making his own decisions and more so, is old enough to know the *difference* between right and wrong.
> 
> It's NOT rocket science. Stop making excuses for the *unacceptable*.
> 
> ...


Yes I agree with what you said. I want to make it work, he has changed in a lot of ways and I want to give him a chance.

Edit, yes it is him. I had a ****ty childhood too but I don’t cheat on him. He’s working through his issues. I feel so heartsore but hopefully his change is sincere.


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## Justno1 (May 11, 2019)

Spoons027 said:


> You two will need therapy. Individual first then together. It seems he has a lot of issues surrounding his submissiveness to his family and lack of boundaries in regards to other women.
> 
> Concentrate on yourself for a while. Yes, it’s nice of him to give you an email with many pretty promises, but as you saw in the texts, he can say anything. He needs to back those words up with actions now.
> 
> It’s also all right if it is too much.


I’m going to think about therapy, especially for me. I’m drowning.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

op said:


> Don’t you do that to someone you don’t care for? Hurt them where you know it hurts most.


I think most cheaters think they can carry this on without their spouse knowing, and therefore, won't be hurt by it. This is a self-justifying thought for them. 
Self-justification is the basis upon which cheaters cheat.

It takes a very long time for any kind of trust, any feeling of safety, can return to the marriage. I, for one, never felt safe again with my WW following her affairs. 

Like @Spicy said, I'd like to know what is your "home run".... what would happen that would restore you....


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I feel the same way you do about cheating, and you and I have similar backgrounds.

On the family piece, do you guys ever consider moving further away from his parents?
They sounds straight up awful. I can only imagine how they will be once there are grandkids involved. Do you have a clear agreement that he will stand up for you from this day forward kinda thing?? 

Are you close to your parents or siblings? Perhaps they can also provide you some support.

I’m all for saving a marriage when possible, and I do think it is possible here from what you have written. I agree that IC and MC would benefit you tremendously. Find counselors that you know have a good reputation. Get recommendations from others. Require him to read the book “Not just friends”. 

I would also wait several years before having a child with him. Once a child is involved EVERYTHING is much harder to deal with if you have to divorce. Give him a chance to prove himself, and show he truly will never do any of this crap again. I hate how easy devices have made it to cheat!

Also decide your standard going forward, clearly discuss it with him and then stick to it.
For instance, if you stance is “If you ever cheat on me in any way again, I am filing for divorce and this is over.” Say it, then do it. 

You will sadly have to be diligent, but I do believe he might be able to put this behind him and stop. Maybe. So since your reply to me was that you are staying and want to make it work, that is my advice. I hope it all works out, and you can have a happy future, and someday this will be a distant memory.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You are SO young. If you stay with this man you will be settling in your life. Unfortunately he is a child and it's going to take a lot of YOUR pain to have him grow up, if he does at all.

The thing is cheating is a character issue not a marriage one. Can peoples change their character? Sure but it takes hard work. At this point it's doubtful he is mature enough to do that. He probably doesn't even recognize the issue, which is unsurprising seeing how his family is. 

Love is a terrible reason to be married if it is the only one. It takes a lot more then that. 

SO many people whose lives have been destroyed by cheating say that it started like where you are now but they took them back because of love. Now the bitterly wish they had move on with their lives because they are in there 30,40,50s and have to start over. 

Please think long an hard about this, you are young, it's not to late. You don't have kids that will tie you to them forever. 

You deserve better, and you can have better still.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> The thing is cheating is a character issue not a marriage one.


And, as long as your H is speaking in terms of "wave of evil" and "the devil won" and "I felt lost" and "I felt empty" .....

there's not a snowball's chance in hades that he is going to change on any kind of a permanent basis.

He must first stop blaming any "forces" which are not under his control for his actions, and understand that it was HIM who chose this, HIM who did this.... then, he has a chance to actually change.

He must understand that "wave of evil" and "the devil won" and "I felt lost" and "I felt empty" are coming again, and again, and again. It must be HIM who rejects the improper responses and chooses correct ones instead.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very concerning that he has done this at least twice, and the first time basically asked the woman if she would marry him. Thats not just a bit of flirting. His excuse that he thought you didn't love him are pathetic. Is he going to act this way every time things get a bit rocky?

I would be very very wary of trusting him at all. You have only been married for 3 years and already he is going after other women. man with his lack of character or integrity will struggle to be faithful to be honest.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your WH is a serial cheater with a big hole in his heart due to emotional neglect and abandonment as a child by the father and probably told he was perfect by the mother. The creation of a potential narcissist. I would read up on narcissism.
His behavior and melodramatic email shows that he is really all about him and the ensuing drama. He does not have the capacity to really empathize with you and our feelings at all. Reading between the lines, it is still 'oh woe is me.' 
His asking someone to marry him, is pathetic and very narcissistic, all about getting their next narcissist supply. When we were 6-7 yrs married I pointed out our marriage was in trouble due to lack of spending time and my husband took it personally that I was bringing this up and left me and slept with someone else. This is a child in a man's body reaction. It is all about soothing their pain and trauma, not about behaving like a grown up man. 
All the red flags are there.

You both need counselling or therapy apart from each other.

I suggest you separate until this is done. From what you have told us, this man may never give you the love and security you need as a young married woman and you really have to think about your options going forward. 
Marrying a damaged man ( I did, a CSA survivor, now Alcoholic) has major ramifications for your marriage and your future kids, think wisely. You may well end up on a roller-coaster that is difficult to get off.
Love is just a feeling, you must also be pragmatic.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He is definitely damaged goods. That is no excuse for what he has done. 

He needs help before he will ever change. 

Get him the help he needs if you want this to work.


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## dpoohclock (Apr 30, 2019)

Justno1 said:


> Hi, thank you so much. Well we are staying together so I’m trying to be more positive. I’ve given him a chance so I want to move forward with him.



Well, in that case counseling is definitely necessary. And expect some ups and downs, and it might take quite a while to build up trust. 

Like other posters, I do have questions about how he treats you, and how his family seems to feed into it. Those aspects would also need to improve drastically for it to be worthwhile to stay.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Justno1 said:


> Yes I agree with what you said. I want to make it work, he has changed in a lot of ways and I want to give him a chance.
> 
> Edit, yes it is him. I had a ****ty childhood too but I don’t cheat on him. He’s working through his issues. I feel so heartsore but hopefully his change is sincere.


And how many more times does he get to cheat on you before you finally figure out that this is who he is and you finally get the hell out? Three more? Five more? 10-15-20 years??


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

Justno1 said:


> Hi, thank you so much. Well we are staying together so I’m trying to be more positive. I’ve given him a chance so I want to move forward with him.


Since you want to stay together:

1. Have you two agreed to acceptable boundaries going forward?
2. Have you told him what will happen if he violates those boundaries and will you enforce those consequences if he crosses them?

I'm skeptical that most people can change much in a relationship, but I'm really skeptical when that person has nothing (like real consequences for their actions) driving them to change.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I need to advise AGAINST giving him (ANOTHER) chance. 

You seem to have glossed over catching him after the first thing you found. He went RIGHT BACK to it... He knew he hurt you. HE DIDN'T CARE. 

HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS LOSING, HE DIDN'T CARE. 

sounds to me like he has serious SERIOUS mental health issues that seem to be starting. 

I am still with my cheater husband... Long story, but I had open heart surgery before finding out. We had three kids and my dream home, and much that I was never just going to be willing to give up. Last year, in year four after the affairs were found he has officially been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.... and it has threatened our lives. 

We started dating at 16 years of age, and married at 19. We were EACHOTHERS one and only's.

You husband is a man child. Weak and likely borderline personality disordered, or something in the mentally ill spectrum either by genetics or by nurturing. 

His working on himself will be life long process and frankly....you are not enough for him to change. LOOK AT HOW HE TREATED YOU with his family, with this cheating. He is not the one honey.... He does not deserve to be and frankly the pain of staying with him will eat you up inside. 

Staying with my husband ate me up. Only finding out he has a mental health issue cleared up some things for me to where I no longer loath him. I can stay married... But there is little romance. only sentimentality and a remembrance of BETTER TIMES. Our children and our home fill me... I hope to endure a long or life long marriage with him. 

But for you, it is not too late. You dont have kids, you dont have the love of his family, RUN WHILE YOU CAN.





please.... Please heed my advice.


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## Justno1 (May 11, 2019)

Spicy said:


> I feel the same way you do about cheating, and you and I have similar backgrounds.
> 
> On the family piece, do you guys ever consider moving further away from his parents?
> They sounds straight up awful. I can only imagine how they will be once there are grandkids involved. Do you have a clear agreement that he will stand up for you from this day forward kinda thing??
> ...



Hi thank you for your advice it’s much appreciated. We do need counselling. 

His parents and family are honestly so vile I can’t deal. We have moved about 40 minutes away and it really helps. 

My family is extremely supportive although I don’t tell them everything because I’m the youngest and everyone feels very defensive for me. I’m scared to tell them I’m in an unhappy marriage because i don’t know what to do. At this point it feels like I’ve been the one fighting for our marriage I bet if I stop this marriage will stop too and maybe that’s not the worst thing that could happen. I feel he is bitter to an extent because I’m our religion he can take more than one wife but the rulings are so strict, you’ve gotta be so just even with the time you spend. He can’t even manage being just between me and his family so I don’t know. Nowadays he looks at me with resentment and even if I try to talk to him
About my anxieties and fears not even to do with our marriage he will wait to attack me and re act instead of validating how I feel, he doesn’t have to agree all I ask he hears me out. 

Thanks again, I hope I figure this out soon and that what’s best happens.


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## Justno1 (May 11, 2019)

Hi everyone. I would just like to thank everyone who resounded I appreciate it so very much. I have read all your responses and I understand both sides. Yes, I have decided to stay and fight for this marriage but I have a huge hole in my heart. 

This past few months have not been easy, my husband has come to resent me for some reason I see it in his eyes when he looks at me. I think his only regret is that I caught him, he still talks about marrying another woman. 

I don’t trust him 100%. If anything, I’ve learnt to walk alone and be strong alone. The pain has lifted from my chest and now is a memory. Although the pain of an unhappy marriage is lingering. He doesn’t love me as much,I can tell, he uses lovely words not always coupled with action, I can’t talk to him anymore he just waits to attack me or invalidate me, I have been fighting so hard for this marriage but I can almost guarantee that if I stop at it there won’t be a marriage at all. 

I don’t love him anymore. Perhaps I do, but I’m no longer in love. 

It really hurts because he’s the first man I kissed and slept with, I feel that I waited all my life onky to get someone like him, well I chose him
So I guess it’s my fault

Where to from here ? I don’t know but I need to figure that out soon. I wish he would just leave and make it simpler for me. Today was a really rough day between us so this could be partly anger talking but I can safely say I no longer am in love 😞 .


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Justno1 said:


> Hi everyone. I would just like to thank everyone who resounded I appreciate it so very much. I have read all your responses and I understand both sides. Yes, I have decided to stay and fight for this marriage but I have a huge hole in my heart.
> 
> This past few months have not been easy, my husband has come to resent me for some reason I see it in his eyes when he looks at me. I think his only regret is that I caught him, he still talks about marrying another woman.
> 
> ...



You just said in one post that you have decided to stay and fight for a marriage to a guy you don’t love, and he doesn’t appear to love you, either.

I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for. The decision is yours and yours alone. We can help you act on your decision, but we can’t make it for you.

I’m sorry you’re in this place.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I get the sense that your husband's personality flaw is that he likes the chase of a relationship. He reached out to you even though you had no real relationship. He's chasing these other girls. That initial flirting can feel good. That's what I think he seeks. Now that you want to leave, the chase is back on. He's energized that he has to win you over. Once he has you safe and secure, he'll be bored and seek out someone to chase. I suspect this will be a repeating pattern for him. 

If you don't mind me asking, is there some cultural aspect going on? The way he courted you, his cousin proposing, the family relationships, etc. all seem like there are underlying cultural traditions playing a part in this relationship.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Justno1 said:


> This past few months have not been easy, my husband has come to resent me for some reason I see it in his eyes when he looks at me. I think his only regret is that I caught him, he still talks about marrying another woman.


I think he resents you because you are what is standing between him and the other women he wants.

I think he treats you so badly and constantly tears you down because he hopes that he can break you down enough that you'll allow him to have the other women he wants, possibly in polygamous marriage. 

Who cares if he is the only man you've had sex with? Your marriage is a bad marriage. You both sound fairly miserable together. He's cheated on you multiple times. Divorce him and find a good man to share your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If your religion allows him to have more than one wife, and he acts on that at some point, is that going to be okay with you? Because it really sounds like that's what he wants.


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