# He will go down with the ship



## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

Hello,

I have posted before about my husband and I having a not-so-great marriage. Basically, we got married because I was pregnant, and I later found out he was in love with someone else at the time. I spent the better part of two years angry and depressed and constantly feeling like I couldn't bring it up because I should just get over it and move on. Finally I did just that. I let it go and focused on making myself happy where I was. That included making friends, exercising, finding a job, etc. He got more and more unhappy and withdrew into himself. We've spent years cohabitating with no real connection. Finally I got a full time job, my own vehicle (that was a fight), and the nerve to stand up to him. I told him I couldn't deal with the angry, bitter man anymore. That I couldn't continue to do all the cooking and cleaning. That I wanted to actually be happy in my life and his negativity was dragging me down and hurting our child (who had become afraid of him). We have long disagreed over finances, religion, parenting, etc.

So, after our talk, my husband became a different man. He is cheery, he has started learning to cook (he loves it), he went holiday shopping with me with no complaints about crowds or spending money. He has started wanting to eat lunch with me at work, and he doesn't roll his eyes at my choice of TV shows and books. 

He has become pleasant to live with. But he still won't address some larger issues, like our differing views of religion. I have a hard time getting to talk to him about it. 

And there are the years of unhappiness that I am starting to have to deal with. I got used to essentially being a single parent. To doing the shopping on my own. To retreating to my own corner of the house and being content to be ignored. It feels like he is trying just when I was ready to throw in the towel. 

And now I don't know. I feel horrible saying "too little, too late", but I feel no connection to him. I enjoy being around him and it has been extremely pleasant to have an active member of the household sharing responsibilities. But I can't bring myself to be attracted to him. I can't see him as a "husband" anymore. I don't feel the love that I once had for him. It's just this hollowness. 

I guess I can't really get into it all in one post. I know people do come back from this sort of disconnect, but I just don't know if I want to, and it feels extremely selfish to say so. Sometimes I look around and think I would be happier as a single mom making her own life than as the wife of someone who has to be reminded to love me and treat me well. And I know we are masters of our own happiness, but is there a point when what makes two people happy just can't be made to be compatible?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

laniegirl84 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have posted before about my husband and I having a not-so-great marriage. Basically, we got married because I was pregnant, and I later found out he was in love with someone else at the time. I spent the better part of two years angry and depressed and constantly feeling like I couldn't bring it up because I should just get over it and move on. Finally I did just that. I let it go and focused on making myself happy where I was. That included making friends, exercising, finding a job, etc. He got more and more unhappy and withdrew into himself. We've spent years cohabitating with no real connection. Finally I got a full time job, my own vehicle (that was a fight), and the nerve to stand up to him. I told him I couldn't deal with the angry, bitter man anymore. That I couldn't continue to do all the cooking and cleaning. That I wanted to actually be happy in my life and his negativity was dragging me down and hurting our child (who had become afraid of him). We have long disagreed over finances, religion, parenting, etc.
> 
> ...


The religion needs to be set aside for now. If you wanting to address that issue means he has to agree with your views on religion then, that is a you problem.
He sounds like he has woken up, and many men and woman only wake up once the consequences of their selfish behavior are soon to be realized. The point is he woke up. Now that he is doing all he can, you want to shut down this last chance at fixing this between you. So can you reconnect, sure you can IF YOU BOTH, are willing to address the issues, communicate and do your best to try. If he starts trying and you stop then you are being what he was to you.
I think a good counselor can help and you both need to be loving and respectful of one another. People do not "address" religious views, they discuss their own views. There is a difference. If religion was so important for you then why are you with a man who feels differently to begin with. Again, a you problem. I am not someone who thinks religion needs to be so agreed upon. Faith is faith, I could care less how often my wife went to church, or prayed. Those are her choices and they do not directly impact me. They could if I let them, but that would be a me problem, not her problem.
Just sounds like you both have some work to do, and it sounds like he is trying for your family, you should IMO give it a chance.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Leave him now, when he's doing so many of those things you want from him, and he'll just make another woman the husband you've been wanting (and starting to get). As of now, it almost sounds as if you're talking yourself into sabotaging what's starting to work better.

Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome - YouTube

Take special not of the part where she talks about wives saying "too little, too late!" Hear it.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I completely understand what you are going through. It is really hard once you block those feelings to get them back, but you can - if you want to. One of the problems are that you don't emotionally trust him. It will take time for him to prove to you that he can be trusted with your love and won't hurt you or pull away again. If you are willing to put in the time and effort, you may end up with a good marriage. But, it will take a while. 

The brain is an amazing organ. It believes what it is told. For years you had to tell yourself, he doesn't love me, he is not there for me, etc. Now, you need to start allowing your inner voice to talk to yourself differently. 

Dare to believe it will be different.

As for the religion, been there too. I finally decided that I don't really care what choices he makes pertaining to his spirituality. If he is a good husband and father, then that is good enough. After all, we come into this world alone, we make our own choices while here, and we die and are judged alone. So although it would be great if we had that in common, it really is an individual journey and we have to allow others to make theirs how they choose.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

The title of your thread makes it look like you have already made up your mind. You're going to punish him for the past.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> The religion needs to be set aside for now. If you wanting to address that issue means he has to agree with your views on religion then, that is a you problem.
> He sounds like he has woken up, and many men and woman only wake up once the consequences of their selfish behavior are soon to be realized. The point is he woke up. Now that he is doing all he can, you want to shut down this last chance at fixing this between you. So can you reconnect, sure you can IF YOU BOTH, are willing to address the issues, communicate and do your best to try. If he starts trying and you stop then you are being what he was to you.
> I think a good counselor can help and you both need to be loving and respectful of one another. People do not "address" religious views, they discuss their own views. There is a difference. If religion was so important for you then why are you with a man who feels differently to begin with. Again, a you problem. I am not someone who thinks religion needs to be so agreed upon. Faith is faith, I could care less how often my wife went to church, or prayed. Those are her choices and they do not directly impact me. They could if I let them, but that would be a me problem, not her problem.
> Just sounds like you both have some work to do, and it sounds like he is trying for your family, you should IMO give it a chance.


It sounds like he has completely turned himself around, and it's no BS at all.

You can't put a value on that. Even in the dating world, with all the glitz and glamour, where is the substance?

So you have an admireable and dedicated man now, but the "attraction" and "feelings" are lost...

That can come back you know. So you have to look at your priorities in a relationship.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. I am aware that I am now the "problem" in the marriage. I get that. But how do you just get over years of building walls in the matter of a few weeks? 

As far as religion, it can be a big problem when one is very religious and expects the family to go to church together every week and be involved actively in church life, and the other person is not a believer at all. Me being the non-believer. I told him I would try going to church years ago to see if our marriage could be made stronger when surrounded by a family of faith. He feels like he needs to be a part of a church for completeness, but only if we go together. I feel like a fraud every week, and no matter how much I have tried, I can't believe in any of it. I feel myself trying not to laugh every Sunday. He needs this to be a huge part of his life. I need to have it not be a part of mine. I am ok with my child going and him going, but I know he is very concerned with how it looks if I don't go. He is very concerned with appearances. Always has been. He would rather act happy in public than admit when something is not working. I just can't help but feel like his recommitment to me has more to do with saving face than losing me. I just don't know how to tell the difference.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I guess the argument about religion depends upon how vital and important your religious beliefs are to you and what impact that faith has on a marriage relationship. If it's not a big deal (eg catholic, mormon, jew) then don't worry about it. Table it for now. 
Feelings and moods and such are all very very temporary and fleeting. If your religious convictions are big though, then you have to decide whether you want to put those beliefs aside in favor of this guy.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

laniegirl84 said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I am aware that I am now the "problem" in the marriage. I get that. But how do you just get over years of building walls in the matter of a few weeks?


You don't. But, when you see signs of positive change, it's important to roll with it and be part of that yourself. It will reinforce the changes he made, and make it much more likely to continue. The walls took time to build, and can take some time to tear down, but it absolutely can be done.



> As far as religion, it can be a big problem when one is very religious and expects the family to go to church together every week and be involved actively in church life, and the other person is not a believer at all. Me being the non-believer. I told him I would try going to church years ago to see if our marriage could be made stronger when surrounded by a family of faith. He feels like he needs to be a part of a church for completeness, but only if we go together. I feel like a fraud every week, and no matter how much I have tried, I can't believe in any of it. I feel myself trying not to laugh every Sunday. He needs this to be a huge part of his life. I need to have it not be a part of mine. I am ok with my child going and him going, but I know he is very concerned with how it looks if I don't go. He is very concerned with appearances. Always has been. He would rather act happy in public than admit when something is not working. I just can't help but feel like his recommitment to me has more to do with saving face than losing me. I just don't know how to tell the difference.


I think this would be difficult. I'm a complete non-believer myself, but when we first got together, my wife was still attending church, though was coming to something of a crossroads in this part of her life. We both respected each others' differences in this area: she didn't pressure me to attend with her, and I wouldn't dream of asking her to drop it. Over time, she grew less and less connected to the church, quit going, and today says that she's inclined to believe in any of it.

For us, though, when that difference in spiritual beliefs was present, it was respect for each others' views that helped the most. Are appearances THAT important to him? Do you feel like you can be honest with him about this?

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him that you don't feel genuine when you attend something which you don't believe in.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

Thanks. I am trying to roll with it. But right now it is forced. I try to be upbeat, but I still feel all mixed up about it. Like I said, I have zero physical attraction to him. I try to go with it, but for the most part, I just want him to stop touching me and leave me alone. And it isn't like I've lost my desire. I feel sexually aroused, but once he starts kissing me, it goes away. I try to fake it so we can have that intimacy, but mostly I just want it to be over. IC used to be hot with us, it isn't like that started out mediocore, but the past couple of years have really taken their toll on it and the whole thing becomes a chore.


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

And I have told him I don't believe and don't want to attend church, but he will not go without me. It is that big to him. I don't want to make him give up something so important to him simply because I don't want to be involved.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I have to agree that it sounds like you already made tote mind up. If do, why didn't you tell him it was over when have him the talk. I'm guessing its because you didn't expect him to make an effort to straighten up. Shame you didn't have the talk earlier. 

If your willing to give it a shot I would have a serious talk with him to let him know where you are at and ask him if he is going to keep the new him alive. If this goes well you need to get into counsoling ASAP. Counsoling is necessary because what ever made him act that way is still present and needs to be delt with, or else he will eventually revert back. I would say that you need to work as hard to rekindle your love for him as he works to show that he is worthy of that love. 

I have a similar story to yours. But at my first thoughts of D I had the talk with my wife and pulled the trigger on getting things back on track. Although we had messed things up quite a bit, I still loved her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's a big boy and can go to church by himself. Don't let him guilt you into going if you don't want to. His religious beliefs are his -- not yours. If he wants to stay home because you won't go then let him. That's on him.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The walls weren't built in a few weeks, they won't come down in a few weeks, but they can come down. You day it's been years that you've been waiting for a change. Now YOU finally addressed YOUR problem and opened your mouth in a way that he heard you. He is starting to own his problems and tackle them. Now you're in a big rush? Why not give it some time to see where this is going? Start doing things to work on your problems (you do realize you co created your marital situation, right? It wasn't all him). 

You already made some positive steps. MC might be a way to go. That might be a safer way to deal with the religious thing. I would not go to church either, I'd be worried about showing contempt, and that won't help anything. As was pointed out before, he can choose for himself to go or not, and that's his choice, he can't legitimately lay that on you not going.

Are you a reader? There are tons of books with ideas and strategies that can help you. Divorce Busters, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, His Needs, Her Needs, No More Mr Nice Guy, etc, etc. The list is huge, but you just dive in at the bookstore, or online, and find something that resonates with you.

Even the sex. Have you told him you've lost your attraction, honestly and openly? Or do you not talk about it? Your behaviour has probably sent the message loud and clear either way. You need to be honest. to start having those hard talks, they aren't actually as hard as they seem once you start. And surprise, surprise, if you can be honest with each other. you might find you have common goals that you can work on together, you might find you can start building trust, you can start truly finding a connection.


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## daSaint (Sep 20, 2013)

laniegirl how old are the both of you?
Now your husband is becoming the man you wanted him to be all these years and its time to enjoy the harvest of the years you've sown in tears. Do not lose this harvest or someone else will enjoy it! The grass always seems greener on the other side. He did a lot of damage that can't just disappear with the snap of the finger, but if you LOVE him, you'll work through it.
1. Truly forgive him for everything he's done to you and let go of every bitterness you're nursing.
2. See and accept him for who he is right now
3. Show him explicit appreciation for the things he does which you like. Appreciate him with words, touches, little gifts, etc
4. Encourage him and feed his ego, make him want to impress you (you're a woman, so you should know how to 'charm' your man)
5. Love him. Love is waaaaaaaaaaayyy beyond feelings. Love is patient, kind, hopes for the best, rejoices in the truth, is not puffed up or selfish nor demands its rights, endures, gives and forgives, seeks the good of the other. If you treat him in light of all these, your feelings and attraction for him will eventually be restored.

About the religion issue, if you love him and its so important to him, i believe you can both work out a compromise, but you have to be willing to go out of your comfort zone.
Change is the essence of life, so be willing to surrender what you are for what you can become.

Just my 1.5 cents
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

laniegirl84, I went back and read your other posts. You are spoon feeding us, which I can understand because it is hard to tell all on here with out writing a book or divulging everything about you. But, if you want real advice, you need to give all the information.

Your husband had a hard time with you moving in, didn't like you touching any of his things.

Your husband is controlling with money. Sold your car and then held the fact that you were now only down to one car, which was in his name, over your head as to why you couldn't leave the marriage.

Your husband confessed his love to another woman after you were married, only for you to find out that he "settled" for you because you got pregnant.

Your husband has never treated you as if you were "special", or that he was proud of you and to be seen with you.

Your husband won't pay his debts.

Your husband insists that you attend his church.

Your husband punishes you with the silent treatment.

Your husband is boring, won't get involved in family activities, does his own thing, by himself.

Your husband is quite a bit older than you and your relationship has taken on more of a parent - child roll.

Your husband is pessimistic and angry much of the time.

*Your husband will change - for a while - when you lay it on the line, but always slips back to his old self after a couple of weeks.

YOU, got sucked into a negative, controlling environment, lost who you were and many of your friends. You are now finding your love for life again, independence and enjoying friends. 

Chances are your husband will not keep up his "new self", he will slip back in a couple of weeks as per his M.O. only time will tell. Maybe he will step it up this time, but the question is, even if he steps it up, do you want to stay? When I read this post, I thought maybe your marriage had a chance, but after reading your older posts, I am not so sure any more. Perhaps the thing to do is to start putting some money away and setting up a plan incase things don't work out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

laniegirl84 said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I am aware that I am now the "problem" in the marriage. I get that. But how do you just get over years of building walls in the matter of a few weeks?


You can - IF you attend professional counseling together to get past all the hurt and see each others' sides and learn to empathize again, IF his controlling personality and your victim status isn't there for good, and IF you are not already daydreaming about the other men you want to meet (ie, no longer willing to consider him as a partner).


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## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

Thank you, JustHer for your insights from past posts. I guess I forget to reiterate those points or am not sure if they matter. I don't know if I do want to continue. I guess that is the point of the post. After all these years, I just don't know if I have it in me to continue. I just know at this point, it will all fall on me if I leave. And what about our child? What will it do to him to have his parents separated? 

daSaint: he is midforties, I am late twenties. 

Turnera: That feels like a lot of ifs. And if I have started fantasizing about other men, does that mean it is really over? Is that not something other women do? 

I do know what you mean. There was a male friend that I started getting close to, we realized we had more than friendly feelings for each other, so we backed off, stopped seeing each other casually and that was it. Nothing ever happened. I think we both just liked the attention. Did I think about how it would be to be with him? Sure. But I also recognize that no relationship is ever perfect and the pain and confusion that would arise from leaving one man for another or starting some sort of affair was not going to get me what I want in my future. I need to work out getting my life straight before I even consider anyone else as a potential mate.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Other women may do it, but in your case it would mean that you are not giving YOUR marriage any dedication, because you're already 'exploring other options.' So any attempt to make it work...won't.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

When you are in an emotionally starved or abusive relationship, it is very normal to fantasize about other men.

I would suggest to just hang in there for a while, chances are he is not going to keep his good attitude and eventually regress to where he is more comfortable as he always dose. Just because he finally stepped up to the plate doesn't mean it will be your fault if you leave, stop taking all the blame.

As for the religion, you said that you don't want to be responsible for him not going because you don't go. He has full accountability for his actions. Putting the blame on you is nonsense. His going weather you go or not is not your doing. He is a big boy, quit taking responsibility for his choices.


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