# A thread for cmf, finallyseewhy, and Iamnottheonlyone



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm writing this post to the three of you because all three of you seem to be in a sort of similar place, and it's driving you nuts. So I need to remind all three of you of something. All three of you are making some major mis-steps with your disloyal spouses and by doing so, you're causing yourself heartache. All three of you are in PLAN A--CARROT & STICK. All three of you keep letting your disloyal call the shots and keep taking their disloyally dizzy bait. All three of you keep hoping/expecting your disloyal spouse to be "reasonable." All three of you are focusing on your disloyal and what they're doing, rather than keeping your attention on yourself and the work you need to do. All three of you are losing some focus and freaking out. 

Sooooo...I have fact for you. PLAN A--CARROT & STICK is not about your disloyal spouse!! Nope, not one bit! This stage of ending the affair is focused on you and your family--protecting yourself and your family from the damage your disloyal could do. All three of you are feeling knocked off kilter because you are not focusing on what you need to do and instead you're focusing on the disloyal who clearly is not doing what they should be doing and this makes you all upset and you have a meltdown! So, let's get back on track, shall we? Let's review what PLAN A--CARROT & STICK is and is not; let's review where you're hurting yourself; and let's review what you could be doing differently. Okay? Here we go! 

First, I need each one of you to hear this in your heart. I know you've heard me say it but somehow it hasn't sunk in yet: the person in your spouse's skin right now is not them. I call the disloyal spouse the Evil Twin, and it's not to be funny. It's because you know your spouse for decades, and you know their character and you know THEM...and this is not them. Some people say they are taken over by aliens. Some call it something else. But the point is the same! You need to accept the fact that the person in your disloyal's skin right now is not the man or woman you knew and loved. I like the Evil Twin analogy because during an affair, a side of them emerges that is so unlike them and so selfish that they will do and say the most evil, mean, hurtful, destructive things it's unimaginable...and they have no conscience (or clue) about the damage they're doing! Yet inside them IS the spouse you know and love--that person of character is in there! The Evil Twin has just pushed that part down so hard, and hardened their heart so viciously that it is almost like a whole other personality. 

*So accept that the person in your disloyal's skin is not the "them" that you know. It's someone else right now...temporarily. (Yes there are some that never recover, like Help123's wife--but many/most do eventually.) They are not going to be "reasonable" and most of what comes out of their mouth with be confusing, hurtful spite. Don't expect them to be anything other than self-centered and lashing out at you.* 

Second, I want you all to study, think about, consider, ponder, and see if you can come up with examples of what I call "Disloyal Dizziness." This is that kind of thinking (and talking) that makes no sense whatsoever and in fact is so confusing it makes you say :scratchhead: "Huh?" Have you ever had a situation where your disloyal said something and you thought to yourself, "Ummm....did you just hear what you just said?" Yeah...THAT is Disloyal Dizziness. When a person is disloyal, they are a drug addict--remember? And you are trying to take away their drug!!! So you tell me, when you try to take the heroin away from the addict, do they act all reasonably, responsibly, and calmly--thinking things through rationally? Or do they lash out? Blame and threaten? Spew the most vile vitriol imaginable? Plus their thinking is all centered on getting what they want any way they can--who cares who it may or may not hurt? 

Let me look at some of your recent posts, show you some Disloyal Dizziness, interpret it for you, and then give you a good reply. (Usually my format is to agree with their nonsense and completely turn it around on them.)

finallyseewhy: "H told me that he is going to drop the child support by $50 a week so he can live."

INTERPRETATION: "This reality bites and is stopping me from my fantasy so I'm going to become a liar and go back on my word. I'm going to take food out of my kids' mouths so I continue to take my wistress out dancing."

DIZZINESS-BUSTING REPLY: "Yes being a responsible parent and caring for your children ahead of yourself IS hard. Breaking your vows and leaving your kids costs in many, many ways. It is not an option for you to change child support at your whim. This is what you'll be ordered to pay if you continue to choose the affair. And the courts will take it and put you in jail if you don't pay. Wow, huh?"


finallyseewhy: "... if you really loved me that you would not be doing this. You really don't want to work on any of this and you are the one that told me to leave. That THIS is the problem I have with you that you can't compromise. "

INTERPRETATION: "I want to break all my commitments, be irresponsible, and keep everything for MEEEEEEEE and you keep making me pay for things for the kids. This isn't as easy as I thought it would be."

DIZZINESS-BUSTING REPLY: "You're right. If you really loved me or the children you would not be putting us in this position for your own selfishness. I asked you many times to work on the marriage and you chose to live in an expensive hotel and now you are financially blackmailing us because it's not going your way. My love for you is rapidly draining because you're treating me so poorly." 


finallyseewhy: "why in the hell would I want to be with a person like you? You call and text me all the time and give me no space and are relentless. You can not compromise and are not willing to see anything from my perspective and if this continues I can never work on anything. You are not even giving me a fair chance..."

INTERPRETATION: "You keep reminding me that what I'm doing is wrong! You tell me the truth that I'm trying to deny, and make me be responsible! You don't fall for one of my tricks and I'm going to threaten you to see if I can get you to leave me alone so I can have my affair!"

DIZZINESS-BUSTING REPLY: "You're right--why would a person who's honest, moral and faithful like me want to be with a person like you? I have to remind you to be a parent to your own children and you can't even see the damage you're doing to our family. If this continues I will no longer be willing to give you a chance to be my partner for life." 


cmf: "...he would recommit but that we had many issues. He still admits no wrong doing, even saying that he never had sex with anyone while living with me so it doesn't count??? He was irritable."

INTERPRETATION: "Since it's going to cost me all this money that I can't keep, I'll move back in and tell you I'm not having an affair, but I'll make your life miserable and blame everything on you. All of our marriage issues--past present and future--were you not me. I never got caught and deny anything wrong even though I know differently. I'm mad that I can't just have my affair and you won't let me."

DIZZINESS-BUSTING REPLY: "You're right we had so many issues I'm not positive I'm ready to be with you until you address your issues. I'm fully committed to you and only you, but I won't have a partner in my life who can't admit when he did wrong and then work on himself to be a better husband and father. When you've done the work I'll consider whether I'm ready to be with you and not before I've seen the changes in effect already because I won't be treated like I was or how I have been recently."


iamnottheonlyone: "...It was the credit card issue that pushed me over the top. I am very angry with you! Not only about the money but also VERY angry about talking to my parents. There is absolutely nothing you can do now. I haven't been in love with you for years. I am particularly ticked off because you told my parents about my spending habits. You're wasting your breath."

INTERPRETATION: "You didn't give me all the money I ever wanted all the time! You made me be responsible and I wanted to blow it! Plus not only did you not hide my habit to blow money, but you didn't hide other things I'm doing wrong either! How can I continue to spend and have an affair if people know? I have to come up with some reason to justify my choices so .. oh yeah I haven't loved you for a long time! So there! HUH!"

DIZZINESS-BUSTING REPLY: "You're right--the way you've been treating me for a long time does not indicate love or respect for me as a human being. I am more than willing to share my SELF and my money with an emotionally mature, adult partner. Telling people the truth is not what hurts you--it's your choices and actions that are hurting you and you can make different choices!"

*So all three of you have an assignment. Take the very latest hurtful things that your spouses have told you--the things that are ringing in your ears and hurting your hearts--and do an interpretation for me and a dizziness-busting reply. Start to learn when their talk is DIZZINESS!*

Third, all three of you are letting your disloyal spouses call the shots and focusing on them, when all three of you are supposedly in PLAN A--CARROT & STICK. Nope that's not how it goes! In this step, you focus on YOU and you work on you. Be honest and admit the Love Extinguishers you did that hurt your spouse and damaged your marriage. Work on ending all of the Love Extinguishers. Were there angry explosions? Go to anger management! Were you enabling their bad behavior? go to counseling or a support group for self-esteem. Read self-help books. Learn about marriage. Go to classes. Become the YOU that you are (the one who attracted them in the first place) and stop putting all your thoughts and energy into reacting to them. If you are distracted like that, they cal the shot and that giant flushing sound you hear is your marriage! They are disloyal. They are doing what they know is wrong and the ultimate betrayal. Their life is going to be hard and they are going to try to blame all their ills on you, but at the same time have their cake and eat it too! So knowing that they are going to be spinning out of control right beside you, for the most part ignore them and focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE. Do the right thing. Be moral. Take time for your kids. Swing. Enjoy life. Meet people who are wise and loving. And let them spin out of control but don't let them suck you into their tornado. 

The PLAN A--CARROT part is returning to the you that you can be; ending the Love Extinguishers; working on your own issues in counseling; going back to church, etc. That is to say, live a life that looks calm, happy and peaceful in comparison to theirs. Are you poor but content with what you have? Are you grateful to have clothing, a roof over your head, and food? Does their drama and attempts to bait you into being blamed for their choices not work? The CARROT entices them to see that life "at home" with their family can be GOOD!! So how are you showing your disloyals that your life is GOOD--that you are working on you and have a whole new, satisfied, peaceful attitude? 

The PLAN A--STICK part is allowing your disloyal to endure the results of their own choices even though it is temporarily scary and hurts them. This part of this step would reveal to the disloyal that life with OP is not all it's cracked up to be! That it will cost them money, it will hurt, and they will still not have their needs met. The disloyal is going to fight against this and that's because they desperately want to believe that their affair fantasy is real! Their drug can go on forever---they can be loved forever, have all their needs met, and never have to put any effort into it! But we all know that the OP is a person who is willing to be unfaithful WITH THEM so they will likely be unfaithful TO THEM! We all know that the OP can't read minds, never had to deal with your disloyal's "dark side," never had to support or pay for your disloyal, etc. The more those realities are seen by your disloyal, the more they'll see the wrinkles and ugliness of the affair! If you continue to enable your disloyal, you are doing them a disservice--but even moreso you are not in your PLAN!!!

*So I want each one of you to tell me what you are doing for YOU to grow as a person. I will hold you accountable to continue your personal growth to become a better spouse! And I want each one of you to tell me how you are allowing your disloyal to experience the consequences of their choices. You have until tomorrow night*  :rofl:

Finally, on this point you don't "have to" listen to me but it is a fairly strong suggestion. I suggest that each one of you stop allowing your disloyals to call the shots and make decisions that affect you and "the family" and instead take the bull by the horns and start making decisions for yourselves. All three of you get into situations where you are on a call or texting with your disloyal, and they are basically reaming you and you are basically defending yourself. That does not end the affair or profit the marriage! I would highly suggest that if you sense that starting (phone or text) that you just say, "I'm sorry I'm only willing to talk if we can be civil and I'm treated with respect." Then if they continue spewing, say, "Oh sorry. I said I'd only be willing to talk if we can be civil. I'm going to go then. Bye." Then hang up, click, turn off the phone, take it off the hook, WHATEVER. Do not continue in the hostilities, do not continue to hear 19 calls in a row, do not continue to look at 19 more texts with expletives in them! Turn it off, focus on you, and go do something you enjoy ...right then and there. 

Your family--your spouse and your children--are depending on YOU to be a guiding light standing firmly for the family. Your children need to you to a lighthouse for their parent! Your spouse needs you to love them enough to let them learn their life lessons and struggle through it without losing focus. It is up to you to be the one who stands for the commitment and values your family enough to stand firm. You need to do this! You need to learn to see through their foggy-dizzy talk and not fall for it. You need to learn to see it's not them...it's their Evil Twin. You need to learn protect your family and children as your spouse goes through this really hard, painful lesson. You need to let them learn it as fast as they can. You need to endure this pain so your family can come through this! So stay focused! Stay on track! Work the Plan and don't let a dizzy, fogged in, Evil Twin call the shots for a family they will destroy unintentionally. Okay?


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

THANK YOU!!! I just bookmarked this on my computer and I am going to read it 1st thing in the morning when I sit down with my coffee before I start my day. In fact I am going to go back right now and re-read it


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Affaircare,
STANDING, [email protected], OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVO.
I just sent this to my best friend who had her heart ripped out after her husband's affair and her divorce.
My hat is tipped in your direction.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

WoW, I guess we had that coming...thanks for the wake-up call! I feel I have taken the steps to protect the kids and I ( legally and hopefully financially soon). I have been losing sight on the "carrot" part of plan A. I have stated to him what I needed and I WILL stop getting dragged into these irrational discussions with him. I am starting to see less of that evil twin - hopefully that will continue.


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## culinary1972 (Oct 14, 2009)

thanks for the awesome thread. i am going to focus on me as my wife's evil twin is still in control 8 months after the affair supposedly ended. question; i am focusing on the job alot and will begin to work ou at the gym, why am i falling out of love with her? if anyone has read my thread 'going insane', i was so desperate for the truth and now i just don't give a damn. it's like i know there are so many secrets now but why waste the time and effort if she will continue to lie. anyways thanks for the post and i will focus on plan A
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:allhail:

What a great post!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Thank you A! I read your post after I saw my wife this morning. But even without reading it a have learned enough from you to stay away from most traps. I did let her take the car. She is saying how I make her mad for various things. You can see my post for the details. Her most outrageous "DD" was saying that her home has "Never been my home". That is beyond silly. I have learned not to respond to the finger pointing. No arguing.
I have been doing a lot of reading in an effort to improve my self. I have continued to do all the things a good parent does. 
As to consequence? I am empowering her to see her boyfriend. She has a 300 mile round trip: time and money. She can spend time in the real world with him. I can't stop it. It has to run its course. The only real obstruction to outlasting the affair is divorce.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Actually IANTOO, I did read on your thread and I would like to ask you to "Interpret" and then "Dizziness-Busting Reply" to these *EXTREMELY DIZZY* STATEMENTS that your wife made. Remember, most (maybe 90%) of what a disloyal says is dizziness and not to be taken as a logical, well-thought-out, real statement. 

1. "You may not be welcome at the party. The hostess J. may be concerned that it would become a pity party for you instead of a party for her daughter. Your son is conflicted about going to the game with you. He may be feeling guilty about taking my wife's place."

2. "Our relationship is over. I am not coming back. If you keep this up I'm going to change our financial relationship so that it would be more difficult for both of us."

3. Then she "manipulated" me into trading the truck for the car. "I am angry that you couldn't get it fixed while I was gone. You had the truck for the week...while I took the car to my boyfriend's or to work. A long drive is very expensive."

4. "You made things much worse for us with the exposure. You told people way too much and way too many people. I am still really mad about the fact that you talked to my parents. "

Naturally there are several more examples of completely AFFAIR-FOGGED, DEEP, DARK DIZZINESS, but what I want to see is if you can tell the difference between her nonsensical statements and what is really happening--and if you can think of a reply that is loving but assertive.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> (
> 
> *So accept that the person in your disloyal's skin is not the "them" that you know. It's someone else right now...temporarily. (Yes there are some that never recover, like Help123's wife--but many/most do eventually.) They are not going to be "reasonable" and most of what comes out of their mouth with be confusing, hurtful spite. Don't expect them to be anything other than self-centered and lashing out at you.*


I guess my husband will be joining soon Help123's wife based on his recent actions.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I will need to work on that. As I am coming out of my own fog I will try to keep my perspective. Carrot/stick. 
I have the ball game and the party tomorrow. I will check in around 11 pm. I am going to have fun. YES.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yes--for a while put all this to the side and remember that life is still good. There are still celebrations with your son and your friends and his girlfriend and very happy occasions. And you are well-respected, looked up to, and admired in your group for honoring your commitment to your wife. So hold your head up high, plant a lampshade on it, and do the Monty Python Ministry of Sillywalks sketch. Yeah--that should be a hoot!  :lol: :rofl:


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