# Sound Advice -- This Could Add Clarity



## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

A long distance friend of mine, someone who regularly helps keep my feet on the ground (a mutual thing as she also needs a sounding board), consulted her church pastor about my situation. He came back with a reply that amazes me with his ability to put himself in my shoes. His response really adds clarity to my situation. 

I hope this helps whoever reads it:

_"Here is a brief reply as if I am speaking to your friend.

First, this may sound strange but the truth that you are struggling is a good sign - a sign that you still have faith in Christ and that you believe His promises to care and sustain you in this difficult time. If you had not faith - you would not struggle and would not be persisting for two years in seeking help from God through His Church. While there is no pleasure in the struggle there is good in that struggle. A man with no faith in God's Word and promise would long ago have left his wife and not been faithful to his wedding vows.

More than faith - you have Christ (or better said He has you) as He promised. While your wife for some time has not loved you as she should and you have been deeply hurt by her lack of love (and even abuse of "love") Christ has loved you to death and to life again. He has withheld nothing of Himself but given His flesh and blood over to death and the cross for you. And there is not a part of you He has not redeemed, a sin He has not forgiven, even these struggles of divorce and separation.

On to practical matters - bluntly practical. A Christian counselor will probably serve you well - although it looks like that has been a struggle (to find and receive such help). In the midst of these troubles you have developed all sorts of habits and beliefs to deal with the abuse you are receiving. Christian counseling can address both those false beliefs and unhealthy practices. Above all you need someone to give you a regular and healthy dose of Christ. You do not need someone telling what you need to do for your marriage or about your situation - you need the comfort of what Christ has done for you and how His atoning death cleanses us of the shame and guilt that tempts us to sin. It sounds like your wife has been this way for a long time and that means even if she is willing it will take her a long time to change (and you cannot change her - only God in Christ can do that.) You both will need strength to overcome 10 years of such a broken marriage. As a Christian pastor I can never encourage or advocate divorce, however if your physical well-being is in danger and you are being abused then for your own health and safety you need to leave. Also by separating (not divorcing) you can send a clear message that you want the marriage to work, but not under this abuse. You obviously don't want to separate or divorce - you want to work on things, but your wife must also come to the point of realizing that something is wrong and be willing to work on your marriage. Perhaps separation will send that message.

As a pastor (if I were your pastor) I would want to know what you mean by "restore your sanity." What is this doing to you? Sleeping? Eating? Work? Other relationships? Life? God made you body and soul and you cannot separate the two - if there are some physical things going on you might need to look at those to become healthy enough to meet some of the other problems. (Often these things compound one another - soul problems lead to body problems lead to soul problems). Finally I leave with you this promise of Jesus "Never will I leave you or forsake you." (Heb 13:5). May God defend you against the temptations of the Evil One, comfort you with His mercy and love, and grant you wisdom as you seek to help your wife and save your marriage.

Pastor T"_


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