# Any soccer parents here?



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I really don't know if this is appropriate on this forum/website as it is not 100% related to marriage issues, although that is a factor. Just seeking advice.

I have a son, age 12, who plays soccer. Last year was his first year on a travel team (division 8, not not high level, but it was a brand new team) after playing a few years on club teams. Long story short, every single family ended up leaving that team because coach is a jackass. My son, the goalkeeper, left before the season was even over, and so did 2 other kids. (The coach has no team at all this year....not one child showed up for tryouts).

Anyway, my son really, really wants to play with his buddies from school, who were on his travel team that folded. They are twin boys, in his class. He liked the other kids from his team, too, but these boys are two of his best friends and vice versa. Really nice kids. They all tried out for the same travel team this month, a "new" one for all of them, this year. It's also a new team for this club, as they have not had a U13 team prior (or at least recently). I'll call that Team A. Also, my son and the twins tried out for another team (I'll call team B) and the twins, separately tried out for yet a third team (team C), that my son did not try out for because it's just too far from our house--the practices.

Long story short, my son was immediately invited to the team since he is the best goalkeeper.....he showed no hustle on the field (mainly due to an injury, but also because something just feels "off" to him about this team), but he really is a good goalie, and he is tall and definitely has that on his side. The twins are still in limbo, but they had to accept at Team B since they were offered, and they were not getting return phone calls from Team A. (Even though one of the coaches was a dad from last year's travel team...rude!). My son and I are both shocked that the twins were not accepted (and so and so was) because they are really good defensive players. Very solid. 

There is no chance of my son moving to their team because A. He didn't try out and B. It's too far. Team C is still an option floating in the air because they haven't made any decisions. My son liked the vibe of that team better, although I'm not sure why. I also really liked what I saw there in terms of the president being there, talking to all the parents, etc.

So here's my question. We have accepted Team A, but only because we were given a time limit of 48 hours (which was this morning) and I kind had to. No signing a contract, no payment. Found out tonight about the twins. My son is not very motivated by his love of the sport to play. He loves being with his buds/team and that is what motivates him, but now that the twins are not there, he's left with only 2 boys from prior team that made it (the twins and about 4 others did not). He likes them, but they are not his BFFs since they all go to different schools. My son is just not that motivated to get off his butt all that much in general (which drives his father, a great athlete, crazy.). 

The travel team will be anywhere from $1200 - $1500 for a year. 

These are the things I'm thinking about and wondering, are we NOT supposed to do this?? Are we supposed to take a year off??

1. He has an injury. He's definitely in a growth spurt at age 12, and will be for a while with his genes (tall dad) and build. He was just diagnosed with Sever's Disease and we are also awaiting approval for an MRI because he may have a fracture, as seen on X-ray. He was given inserts for his shoes this week, instructions to ice/advil/stretch, but there's a very, very good chance he'll be put in a boot for at least a month, and I don't see that even happening for another 2 weeks until we get the MRI sorted out. He could be in a boot regardless of results of MRI.

2. His buds are not going to be on the team, and I'm concerned about his motivation and enthusiasm for practices especially. I've talked to him about this and asked him to think hard about what his attitude will be. I was encouraged at least when he said, "well, yes, i'll still do it because what else am I going to do?" (TRUTH!)

3. I found out today that two MAJOR roads to get us to the practices are going to be closing very soon -- one for 6 months and one for THREE YEARS.......this is a HUGE inconvenience! UGH! (This would not exist for other teams, such as Team C, which has yet to make any decisions, and may not even have enough to field a team) 

4. Our family dynamic. Long story short, his dad and I are divorced, but reconciled last year, it failed (due to him) and I am moving out, settlement on my new house is June 15. So obviously, there's a lot going on with that emotionally and logistically.

I'm not at all looking for anyone to validate us backing out of this soccer commitment. I really WANT to do it....I WANT my son to be all in. I just don't know if he really WILL be when it comes down to it, and I'm wondering if all these "strikes against us" are telling me that maybe now is not the best time and we need to take a year off?? But then, how does he keep us his skills? . (The middle school soccer coach at school is terrible....he hated it and didn't last very long on that team, and neither did any other players who were also playing travel soccer....he goes to a small Christian school and they kinda take when they can get as far as coaches go :/)


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Question - are these premier teams? In Connecticut, we have travel teams (I coach my youngest son's travel team) but they're all town-based and play other towns, while there are premier leagues which are club teams that may get players from various nearby towns, and these teams usually have paid coaches. What your describing sounds like premier teams here. My two older sons have played premier soccer, and my senior in high school will be playing soccer in college and his time playing with his premier team DEFINITELY helped him in that regard.

Another question - how do you see your son's future in soccer? More importantly, how does he see it? What I mean is, does he want to play high school soccer, or maybe even in college? If he has any ideas like that, he should be thinking of the best team/organization rather than playing with his buddies. I know it's a little hard to see that far in the future for a U13 player, but I think you should ask him the question.

It sounds like he's not that motivated to play, and I think that's OK. If his motivation is to play with his buddies, that's the direction I'd pursue. One other thought - if his Dad is a really good athlete, that can be hard for a kid to deal with, especially if Dad's sport was soccer. If there's any of that, I wouldn't push him too much in any direction - just let him know you'll support whatever decision he makes.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Question - are these premier teams? In Connecticut, we have travel teams (I coach my youngest son's travel team) but they're all town-based and play other towns, while there are premier leagues which are club teams that may get players from various nearby towns, and these teams usually have paid coaches. What your describing sounds like premier teams here. My two older sons have played premier soccer, and my senior in high school will be playing soccer in college and his time playing with his premier team DEFINITELY helped him in that regard.
> 
> Another question - how do you see your son's future in soccer? More importantly, how does he see it? What I mean is, does he want to play high school soccer, or maybe even in college? If he has any ideas like that, he should be thinking of the best team/organization rather than playing with his buddies. I know it's a little hard to see that far in the future for a U13 player, but I think you should ask him the question.
> 
> It sounds like he's not that motivated to play, and I think that's OK. If his motivation is to play with his buddies, that's the direction I'd pursue. One other thought - if his Dad is a really good athlete, that can be hard for a kid to deal with, especially if Dad's sport was soccer. If there's any of that, I wouldn't push him too much in any direction - just let him know you'll support whatever decision he makes.


All great questions. His dad did play soccer, but his sport was basketball, so that is not a pressure, since my son is more interested in soccer (although he was on the middle school basketball team). The pressure is just that his dad is very athletic, still (i.e. addicted to the gym) and can't stand that he has a son who plays video games.

I'm not sure if it is the same here in PA....as far as premier teams....we're not traveling out of the state, although we do travel to other counties. 

I really do not see my son pursuing this as an option for college, although I do see the athletic potential in him doing so, if he would apply it. He's a VERY good goalkeeper, but lacks the desire. I'm not telling him this, or my daughter, but they don't have to work for college scholarships since my deceased father/alive mother have already provided for all of that. I still want my kids to work for it.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> All great questions. His dad did play soccer, but his sport was basketball, so that is not a pressure, since my son is more interested in soccer (although he was on the middle school basketball team). The pressure is just that his dad is very athletic, still (i.e. addicted to the gym) and can't stand that he has a son who plays video games.
> 
> I'm not sure if it is the same here in PA....as far as premier teams....we're not traveling out of the state, although we do travel to other counties.
> 
> I really do not see my son pursuing this as an option for college, although I do see the athletic potential in him doing so, if he would apply it. He's a VERY good goalkeeper, but lacks the desire. I'm not telling him this, or my daughter, but they don't have to work for college scholarships since my deceased father/alive mother have already provided for all of that. I still want my kids to work for it.


Then if you can somehow manage it, have your son play with his friends because that's really his motivation. Who knows, though - maybe he'll run into a really good coach who knows how to motivate his players. Good goalkeepers are hard to find, so a good coach might be able to get your son to look at the possibilities beyond his current situation. Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Go where your son will be happiest. Since completion itself is way below good social time, stick with the team with the friends.

Nothing's worse than shelling out money for the season then duking it out with your child about going to practices and games because they're not happy without their friends.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Soccer mom here! Well, my soccer player is a sophomore in college now, but played travel club from ages 8-18 and high school soccer. I was team manager for many years too and he played a high level of travel so we were literally all over the country. I miss it- it was so fun and also such a huge commitment. 

I can tell you that every year builds upon itself. That it is important to love the game and that at some point while you want them to have fun you also realize they are really in it for themselves and not for their friends. As they get older and their skills change and their needs change and the needs of the various teams change you will need to do what is best for your child. For us it meant leaving our "home" team at 8th grade and going to a different club. It was higher level with better coaching etc. A little scary to leave friends, but a HUGE growth experience. Know that there is room for negotiation a lot of times too. Keep it all in perspective. Each year buids upon the next so taking time off is challenging. BUT injuries are a challenge too.

In your shoes I'd contemplate how serious your child is. Where we live it is very competitive and taking a year off would have hurt. Maybe different where you are? I also know the challenges when your life is in crisis (husband and I are recovering from his affair for the past year). For me it was a nice distraction to watch my kids do their activities- a nice family activity that we all enjoyed. It is really a lifestyle if you choose it. Those of us who do travel sports get it- everyone else thinks we are a little crazy


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Swim Dad (Former Soccer Parents), go with what motivates him. And at age 12, he’s getting close to maybe being a volunteer assistant for the little kids at the YMCA. You’re looking to build more than a skill-set but leadership, character, and moral grounding. We all too often forget that in sport now-a-days.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SpinDaddy said:


> Swim Dad (Former Soccer Parents), go with what motivates him. And at age 12, he’s getting close to maybe being a volunteer assistant for the little kids at the YMCA. *You’re looking to build more than a skill-set but leadership, character, and moral grounding. *We all too often forget that in sport now-a-days.



This!

OP, let this be your guide.

My middle daughter was a D1 athletic scholarshipped on a highly competitive team. She made it that far because she was BLESSED with the best damn middle school and high school aged club coaches I've ever seen, and I seen a lot! Those coaches all had a few things in common.

They didn't give a sh!t about the score. They kept track of personal improvement and that's the only thing they talked about. The girls learned quickly not to ask about the score or even who won. They looked at themselves and their peers in terms of how well they played and how they improved. This was exceptionally character building. One coach had a team meeting with parents and yelled, 

"If you only care about winning, I can do that. I can tell everyone to always pass the ball to sally who will take the ball and score. Leaving all of the rest of your daughters undeveloped. That's not what I do but if that's what you want find another team!"

In high school her club coaches demanded copies of their report cards and if they didn't like what they saw they told the kid and parent to get tutors. They demanded the kids keep their grades up.

They also insisted the girls get jobs. Even the ones with ridiculously wealthy parents, they insisted every girl have a part time job over the summer.

This group of coaches from this club were insistent of development on the field, in the school and in their personal life.

That's what sports involvement should do. Not teach a skill, but develope the child into the best whole version of that child through sports.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Recovering soccer parent here.

We were sort of stuck one year. Do to a last minute move that didn't quite stick (long story), my DD age 13 missed the tryouts for the travel team. She would most definitely have made the team. So she had the option of playing the rec team or sitting out a year. I thought for sure she was going to sit out since the rec league is not at all competitive and often have to forfeit for lack of players on any given Saturday.
She chose to be a referee for a year. The training was good and it gave her a better understanding of the rules, and the parents and coaches. Giving a red card to an obnoxious parent who made a six year old cry took guts on her part.

So consider this option. If it just won't work, or if your son is not interested, I would honestly allow your son to sit out a year. He'll soon be off to school teams if his interest remains.


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