# Shall I divorce her?



## Fangt

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. I am 35 and she is 31. We have a 5 year old son and a 3 years old daughter. When our son was two years old, she had an affair with a construction worker, they did not go physical. I find out about it and forgave her about that affair. One year later, I had two work in an different city from my family and only be home for a week for every two weeks, that was when she began to start this relationship with her high school friend, ( I did not find about this until recently when I got into her email account). I am sure that they went physical from the email they sent between them. This "friend" of her lives in a different city, and she mentioned him to me, but during the whole time, she keep saying that their friendship is pure friendship.about one year ago, I got transferred back be with my family about one year ago. Last month, this friend of hers visited us, during his visit, I noticed that their relationship is beyond friendship, so I interfered. After that she said their relationship was over because obvious that this guy only want to have sex with her. This guy stop sending her email. I keep monitor her email and find out that her keeps email this guy saying I still love you and such. When I asked her if she still in touch with this person she says no. 
I feel cheated and do not think that I can trust her anymore, I want to end our marriage but I am afraid that our divorce will hurt our children too badly. At this stage, I stay married to her only because of our children sake.
What shall I do? Shall I let her know that I know everything about her and her friend? I am thinking about pretend that I do not know everything and just let it be until our children are 18, meanwhile keep collecting evidence, and divorce her once our children are 18. And let our children know the reason of divorce. But there are still 15 more years to go, that seems to be a long time to live like this. Another option is to expose her and divorce now, but this will hurt our children badly, especially at this young age. I can also confront her now and hope she can change, but what is the chance that she will change? She might just hide her affair better.
What shall I do?


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## Mr The Other

Fangt said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 years. I am 35 and she is 31. We have a 5 year old son and a 3 years old daughter. When our son was two years old, she had *an affair with a construction worker, they did not go physical*. I find out about it and forgave her about that affair. One year later, I had two work in an different city from my family and only be home for a week for every two weeks, that was when she began to start this *relationship with her high school friend, ( I did not find about this until recently when I got into her email account). I am sure that they went physical* from the email they sent between them. This "friend" of her lives in a different city, and she mentioned him to me, but during the whole time, she keep saying that their friendship is pure friendship.about one year ago, I got transferred back be with my family about one year ago. Last month, this friend of hers visited us, during his visit, *I noticed that their relationship is beyond friendship, so I interfered*. After that she said their relationship was over because *obvious that this guy only want to have sex with her*. This guy stop sending her email. I keep monitor her email and find out that her keeps email this guy saying I still love you and such. When I asked her if she still in touch with this person she says no.
> I feel cheated and do not think that I can trust her anymore, I want to end our marriage but I am afraid that our divorce will hurt our children too badly. At this stage, I stay married to her only because of our children sake.
> What shall I do? Shall I let her know that I know everything about her and her friend? I am thinking about pretend that I do not know everything and just let it be until our children are 18, meanwhile keep collecting evidence, and divorce her once our children are 18. And let our children know the reason of divorce. But there are still 15 more years to go, that seems to be a long time to live like this. Another option is to expose her and divorce now, but this will hurt our children badly, especially at this young age. I can also confront her now and hope she can change, but what is the chance that she will change? She might just hide her affair better.
> What shall I do?


I am sorry that I have no wise advice. I do have a couple of questions, and excuse me if they seem harsh. It seems to me that you are extremely concerned about your wife having an affair, but that you have never caught her having a physical affair.

You say the affair with the contruction worker was not physical. Could it have been a friendship? 

The next part I bolded you state that it was obvious it went beyond friendship. Does this mean they discussed personal matters? I have women I discuss personal matters with, I have one friend who told me very clearly that I was clearly having domestic problems and I should not keep them a secret from her, would that have been beyond friendship?

My concern is that you might be over-reacting and possibly a little more controlling than you realise. This is making a big leap. However, you are considering divorcing a woman who may be guilty of having slightly different boundries to yourself.


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## Almostrecovered

click the newbie link in my signature


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## EleGirl

My suggestion is that you start with reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book will give you very good guidance on what to do. Along with that you can get support here.

Staying in a marriage that is not working for 15 years is not a good idea. But you can turn it around if she is willing (and you) are willing to work on fixing your marriage.


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## Clay2013

She clearly is a serial Cheater. Your never going to be able to have a good life with her. You will do more damage to your children by staying with her than you will be leaving. 

If it was me I would file and start setting myself up to have a active role in my kids life. 


I am sorry that you are going through this but know it does get better once you get away from her. There are far better women out there. 

Clay


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## turnera

IF she is still contacting him, tell her to stop. If she refuses, expose to her parents and siblings and see what happens. 

But also, are you taking a hard look at your marriage to see what she has to stay for? What about him looks better than what she has with you? Have you read His Needs Her Needs yet? Get on that today.


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## Fangt

First of all, thanks for all the reply and suggestions. To answer some of the questions.i know she went physical with the second affair, because I monitor her email. In her email she said to the second guy something like" I cannot forget your taste in my mouth, next time you want another blow job, please eat me out." These are not exact words but something to that effect. I never have any evidence that she had physical affair with the first guy ( the construction worker). So I give her the benefit of doubt. The reason that she stay with me is that I am a good provider. I am decent money to give her and our children a relatively comfortable life. The guy in her second affair cannot hold a stable job, he is living with his girl friend in her mom's basement. He had tried to break out with his girlfriend for years but never did so, meanwhile, he also dates and flirts with other girls.My wife knows it. However, he is somewhat handsome and can be very charming to girls.
Him and my wife have known each other since grade 7, they almost had a thing going back then, but did not due to circumstance.
I believe that I have three choices at this stage. 1, divorce her now. Which will our kids badly, since they are only two and five. 2. Wait till the kids are 18, then divorce. And hope by letting my kids know the reason of divorce I can win them over, or at least let them know that my wife is the reason of divorce. This seems to be the best option for my kids at this stage, even it means 15 years of my life wasted, I can portend to be happy and turn my back on her affairs. I have the strength to do it for my children's sake. 3. Talks to her and hope she can change her way of which I really doubt, as it says" once a cheater always a cheater" and she cheated on me twice already.(once if only consider physical contact). We had many talks and I have shown great understanding and forgiveness. I am afraid that she sees me as a fool to whom she can give empty promises.
What you think is the best option for me at this stage? Reasons?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other

Fangt said:


> First of all, thanks for all the reply and suggestions. To answer some of the questions.i know she went physical with the second affair, because I monitor her email. In her email she said to the second guy something like" I cannot forget your taste in my mouth, next time you want another blow job, please eat me out." These are not exact words but something to that effect. I never have any evidence that she had physical affair with the first guy ( the construction worker). So I give her the benefit of doubt. The reason that she stay with me is that I am a good provider. I am decent money to give her and our children a relatively comfortable life. The guy in her second affair cannot hold a stable job, he is living with his girl friend in her mom's basement. He had tried to break out with his girlfriend for years but never did so, meanwhile, he also dates and flirts with other girls.My wife knows it. However, he is somewhat handsome and can be very charming to girls.
> Him and my wife have known each other since grade 7, they almost had a thing going back then, but did not due to circumstance.
> I believe that I have three choices at this stage. 1, divorce her now. Which will our kids badly, since they are only two and five. 2. Wait till the kids are 18, then divorce. And hope by letting my kids know the reason of divorce I can win them over, or at least let them know that my wife is the reason of divorce. This seems to be the best option for my kids at this stage, even it means 15 years of my life wasted, I can portend to be happy and turn my back on her affairs. I have the strength to do it for my children's sake. 3. Talks to her and hope she can change her way of which I really doubt, as it says" once a cheater always a cheater" and she cheated on me twice already.(once if only consider physical contact). We had many talks and I have shown great understanding and forgiveness. I am afraid that she sees me as a fool to whom she can give empty promises.
> What you think is the best option for me at this stage? Reasons?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for addressing my post in the spirit in which it was intended. My previous post is clearly void as that is clear proof.


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## Fangt

to Mr the other: the affair with the construction if not pure friendship, because in one of her emails to the construction worker she said I am having a shower and thinking about you, hope you will think about me being naked in the shower as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61

Fangt,
i am afraid that she will see you as weak and she will always see you as weak if you do not set demands and expectation...to be frank while you may be a loving father, but what you teaching your children that is is okay to marry a cheater and stay with them....you need to take control of this marriage because right now she has control and she will only continue.


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## ButtPunch

Fangt said:


> I believe that I have three choices at this stage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At this stage, you really only have one choice. DIVORCE. Don't hide behind the kids. Start the ball rolling, employ the 180, and see where you are in six months.

Your other two choices at this juncture are well terrible.


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## Fangt

I'd like to put everything on the table with her, and try to save our marriage, (I know what her reaction will be, she will say that she was wrong, it will not happen again and so on),but I cannot do so without letting her know that I have hacked into her email account, If she knows that I monitor her email account she will try to hide her track better to a degree that I will not be able keep track of her. She had lied and gave me empty promises, without being able to monitor her activity? how can I know that it will not just be another empty promise? I'd like to be able to trust her again, but it is so hard now, considering all the lie she has told. I'd like to keep track of her to ensure that she start to be honest with me if that ever is going to happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch

Fangt said:


> I'd like to put everything on the table with her, and try to save our marriage, (I know what her reaction will be, she will say that she was wrong, it will not happen again and so on),but I cannot do so without letting her know that I have hacked into her email account, If she knows that I monitor her email account she will try to hide her track better to a degree that I will not be able keep track of her. She had lied and gave me empty promises, without being able to monitor her activity? how can I know that it will not just be another empty promise? I'd like to be able to trust her again, but it is so hard now, considering all the lie she has told. I'd like to keep track of her to ensure that she start to be honest with me if that ever is going to happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Trust me. You are in shock and don't know what you want. You are right she will lie and give you empty promises. Put the Divorce papers in front of her. She must feel the consequences otherwise her behavior will never change. 

I am of the mind she may be a serial cheat. No chance to work things out but that is just conjecture on my part. File for divorce and watch what she does? If she is truly remorseful, dumps om, and gives 100% of herself into fixing the marriage then maybe you got a shot. However, your wife is giving out BJ's so it is a long shot in my opinion.


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## ButtPunch

Do not let her know your sources. Never ever give up your hand.


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## Thor

Don't stay for your kids. Your marriage will be bad, and the kids will know it. The kids will learn from watching you that this is how marriages are supposed to be. Your kids will duplicate your marriage when they are adults.

Meanwhile, you will be miserable until you older. At which time you will have fewer choices in finding a new partner. You may owe permanent alimony if you wait to divorce.

Your wife may bring home serious diseases, including diseases which could kill you. You could suffer the rest of your life, not just the next 15 years, if you catch an incurable disease from her such as herpes or hpv.

In your case with a serial cheater, there is no hope she will ever be faithful to you in the future. Normally I am very pro marriage, and I encourage people to work hard at saving their marriage especially if there are children.

For you, my advice is to run like your a$$ is on fire! Talk to a lawyer to find out how things work where you live. Don't say a thing to your wife about anything yet. Don't tell her you know about the affairs or the emails. Follow your lawyer's advice on how to get the best deal for you and the best deal for your children.


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## synthetic

Both your children probably know that their mom is cheating on their dad (and there has definitely been more than the 2 guys you know about. She's a serial cheater)

If you don't divorce your wife, your daughter will learn to cheat on her future partners without expecting consequences, and your son will learn to put up with the most painful betrayals because "Daddy did it".

Why do you think wasting 15 years of your life is a good idea? Don't hide behind your fears by claiming you're doing this for the kids. You're not doing it for the kids. You're doing it because you fear divorce.

Find your balls and divorce this cheater. She's never going to be faithful to you.


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## GusPolinski

Serial cheater. Young children.

DNA the kids. Once you have the results, file for divorce. If one or both of them turns out to be not (biologically) yours, file citing infidelity. And even if they're both yours, file anyway.

As for the e-mails, back up EVERYTHING.


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## bandit.45

Shall you divorce her?

Yes. I think you shall..


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## turnera

Fangt said:


> I'd like to put everything on the table with her, and try to save our marriage, (I know what her reaction will be, she will say that she was wrong, it will not happen again and so on),but I cannot do so without letting her know that I have hacked into her email account, If she knows that I monitor her email account she will try to hide her track better to a degree that I will not be able keep track of her. She had lied and gave me empty promises, without being able to monitor her activity? how can I know that it will not just be another empty promise? I'd like to be able to trust her again, but it is so hard now, considering all the lie she has told. I'd like to keep track of her to ensure that she start to be honest with me if that ever is going to happen.


You don't have to tell her how you know. In fact, NEVER tell her how you know. Let her guess. Throw out hints about friends, hiring a private investigator, overhearing, whatever. Just don't tell her how you know. 

It makes NO DIFFERENCE how you know. You need to be MAD AS HELL right now and as such, she doesn't DESERVE to know how you know. Got it?

Sit her down and say "you get ONE CHANCE ONLY to stay here and under my support - stop ALL cheating, 100% transparency, and therapy until the IC and I feel you have figured out why what you did was wrong. If you won't agree to that, I'm heading to the lawyer right now."


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## Just dandy

My first post here but I have to say, I grew up in a home with parents that had the same kind of relationship you are describing with you and your spouse. I knew everything that was going on even though they believed I was oblivious (I got really good at pretending I didn't know things). 

When I went off the college and my parents divorced - I can't tell you the relief I felt at not having to carry that baggage anymore.

Your kids know more than you think. Even if they don't, they will see how your and your wife interact with each other and think that is how they are supposed to be in a relationship (no affection, resentment etc…). Coming from a home like that I say 100% end it now and give your kids a chance of seeing what a real mutual relationship should be.


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## Fangt

Thank you all for being so supportive.Looks like at this stage, most people believe that divorce is the only way to go. Does anyone believe that there might still be a little chance of us working it out?
I have thought about the whole thing through the night. I am thinking giving it a shot by confronting her, if that did not work out, I will go down the road of divorce without regret, knowing that I give it my best shot. I still believe that she has feeling for me and vice versa. Once again thanks for the support. As you know the divorce is not a easy decision to make and the process and fallout of it is even harder. I am not afraid of doing it, I just think it is the last resource and not a light decision to make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound

I may be wrong, but I think you will do more damage to your kids if you stay married to an unrepentant cheater. Your kids will see that there are no consequences to bad behaivours and the will not know what boundries are all about. Sorry for your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch

Given the climate of your marriage divorce isn't the last resource but the only resource.

BTW, I am pro-marriage. I like to see couples make it. I myself am a BS and was able to reconcile. 

However, right now you really have one direction to go. Doesn't mean it will stay that way but it is what it is.


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## Thound

Fangt said:


> Thank you all for being so supportive.Looks like at this stage, most people believe that divorce is the only way to go. Does anyone believe that there might still be a little chance of us working it out?
> I have thought about the whole thing through the night. I am thinking giving it a shot by confronting her, if that did not work out, I will go down the road of divorce without regret, knowing that I give it my best shot. I still believe that she has feeling for me and vice versa. Once again thanks for the support. As you know the divorce is not a easy decision to make and the process and fallout of it is even harder. I am not afraid of doing it, I just think it is the last resource and not a light decision to make.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh you can reconcile if you believe she can truly remain loyal. If you go that route you have to establish some hard and fast boundries and enforce them. The both of you will need intensive MC. You will need to learn to put the daddy pants on and not put up with any more BS. She will have to be open with all of her communications no passwords that you dont know. She will have to be open to scrutinty. Then maybe yo will have a 20% chance of having a great marriage. All that is up to you. You have to decide whats best for you and your children
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Fangt said:


> Thank you all for being so supportive.Looks like at this stage, most people believe that divorce is the only way to go. Does anyone believe that there might still be a little chance of us working it out?


I already told you how to save your marriage. But you ignored my advice. Are you afraid of standing up for yourself? Then you will lose her. Women crave strong men. By not standing up for yourself you are being weak. So you are losing your wife. She will respond to you saying "Stop" a hell of a lot more than you saying NOTHING.


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## Dyokemm

She is a serial cheat....divorce is by far the best option.

The worst option you mentioned is staying for the kids....my maternal grandfather did that and it was a f*cking disaster that my family still has never fully recovered from....lots of issues that will probably never be resolved.

Expose her As (both of them) to both your families, all friends, and file papers on her ASAP.

Only talk to her about your children and the D proceedings.

And also expose this POS to his gf....hopefully she boots his useless a** out so he can enjoy being homeless for awhile.


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## Fangt

I thought about it for a long long time and made a plan. I told her that the boufriend of hers forward all the emails she sent to him to me. This way I can put things on the table without letting her know that I hacked into her account. I am going to tell her I do not trust her at all at this stage, I want a divorce, however, if she want to save our marriage she has to do the following:
1.Write a letter to her boyfriend to say this is over.
2. Give me all of her password, phone, email and such. Since her words worth nothing, it is time for her to put out some action to show that she really cares about our marriage.
3. Go to the lawyer and sign a piece of paper saying if we have a divorce, she will get nothing. Unless I cheated on her, or I am the one at fault.
What do you think this plan? I have not talked to her about it yet, listen to your suggestions before I put it into action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound

I doubt she will believe you. What are you going to do when she asks to see the emails?


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## Fangt

I have her emails printed out, and with a little effort, it looks like being forwarded to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Didn't I just say never show her the proof, never tell her where you got it? 

You don't OWE her anything. You don't HAVE to show her ANYTHING. SHE knows what she did. Now she'll know that YOU know what she did. 

That is enough.

REFUSE to talk about what you know and how you know. That makes you look weak. You have to be strong. "I will not discuss that with you. The only thing I'm discussing with you is that I want you to stop cheating. If you won't discuss that, I'll make plans to separate."


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## Fangt

What a strange twist of fate happened this morning. She left the house with her email account open and I pretend I went throught account and let her know after she came back home. Now thing are on the table. It is like some kind of invisible hand is in play here. I have made up my mind, I will torment her and let her stew for awhile, then pretend that I forgive her. Meanwhile I am going to talk to laywer to maximize my share when I divorce her. I have the screen shot of the email she sent him, also, this morning I actually find a letter he wrote her about their sex. I think I can use these evidence to file divorce under adultery. It is surprise that she does not cover her track all that well once I set my mind on finding them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Good development. Like the invisible hand of God


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## GusPolinski

Fangt said:


> I have her emails printed out, and with a little effort, it looks like being forwarded to me.


Paper copies of anything can be destroyed. You need to back up digital copies of EVERYTHING, and put them someplace where she can't get to them. Think "Cloud".


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## GusPolinski

turnera said:


> Didn't I just say never show her the proof, never tell her where you got it?
> 
> You don't OWE her anything. You don't HAVE to show her ANYTHING. SHE knows what she did. Now she'll know that YOU know what she did.
> 
> That is enough.
> 
> REFUSE to talk about what you know and how you know. That makes you look weak. You have to be strong. "I will not discuss that with you. The only thing I'm discussing with you is that I want you to stop cheating. If you won't discuss that, I'll make plans to separate."


Agreed.


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## GusPolinski

Fangt said:


> What a strange twist of fate happened this morning. She left the house with her email account open and I pretend I went throught account and let her know after she came back home. Now thing are on the table. It is like some kind of invisible hand is in play here. I have made up my mind, I will torment her and let her stew for awhile, then pretend that I forgive her. Meanwhile I am going to talk to laywer to maximize my share when I divorce her. I have the screen shot of the email she sent him, also, this morning I actually find a letter he wrote her about their sex. I think I can use these evidence to file divorce under adultery. It is surprise that she does not cover her track all that well once I set my mind on finding them.


Major derp on her part. Again, BACK UP EVERYTHING.


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## Fangt

Thank you for asking. I feel angry and I want actions NOW. I know what to do, I am anxious to do it. However I have to wait due to cicumstance. The waiting is excruciating.
I will be strang and wait to do whatever I have to do. I hate her. I want to ruin her life just like what she did to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fangt

Now it come to what can I do to leave her with as little as possible. Of course I need to talk to a lawyer. Does any one in here have a rough idea and suggestion of what I can expect or shall do to prepare for the divorce? We have a common account and each of us has our own account. We know each other's pin code. We are paying mortgage and have equity on our house. We have one vehicle which is under both of our names. She drives the vehicle daily. I drive company vehicle.
So, what shall I expect after divorce and what can I do to give her what she deserves?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fangt

Locke.Stratos said:


> I understand, patience has never beeon one of my strong suits. The anxiety and anticipation from waiting, the overwhelming intense emotions, it's mind consuming. Is there anyone in your life you've shared this with, and do you have a planned course of actions of how you'll be proceeding?


I do not share this with anyone, I know it is hard to hold in all by myself. I do have a planned course of action. I feel thing are preceding too slow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

Fangt said:


> Now it come to what can I do to leave her with as little as possible. Of course I need to talk to a lawyer. Does any one in here have a rough idea and suggestion of what I can expect or shall do to prepare for the divorce? We have a common account and each of us has our own account. We know each other's pin code. We are paying mortgage and have equity on our house. We have one vehicle which is under both of our names. She drives the vehicle daily. I drive company vehicle.
> So, what shall I expect after divorce and what can I do to give her what she deserves?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't really do much to hurt her as far as financials are concerned. Everything will most likely get split 50/50 (including the equity on your house).

I know it's hard, but try not to think of this as a financial war. It rarely works in the man's favor even when there's infidelity involved.

Take the high road whenever you can. Vengeful behavior rarely yields good results. She will lose the most precious thing in her life, her rock and her security (YOU) in the process, while you can easily move on to better things. She will be the one regretting this. You don't even have to try hard.


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## Fangt

What if I take a loan on the equity of the house and spend it all? What if I empty all of our account on what I'd like to do? Buy the luxury stuff and just spend the money, hell, maybe even spend it on women for all I care. Then I start the divorce process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Fangt said:


> What if I take a loan on the equity of the house and spend it all? What if I empty all of our account on what I'd like to do? Buy the luxury stuff and just spend the money, ]


Judges are not idiots. You will OWE HER half of what you spend. Even if you end up in debt to her for the next 10 years to pay it back, you WILL be ordered to pay it back.


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## Thor

You need good legal advice before you do anything drastic. In Canada your laws may be a lot different than here. Here, your finances are separated upon a specific event which varies by location. It could be when you file for separation, file for divorce, or put a public notice in the newspaper that you are no longer co-responsible for her debts and obligations.

Again, Canadian rules may be quite different but this is what I would suggest for an American:

First thing on Monday move all your money from your private account and half the money from any joint accounts into a new account at a different bank. You aren't hiding this, you are just protecting it from her spending it or hiding it herself. ALWAYS fully declare through your lawyer all assets. Don't hide anything from the courts!!

Cancel credit cards which are in joint names so that she cannot spend (or get cash advances) in your name. Get new credit cards in your name only, at a different bank than hers.

Make copies of important documents of hers such as her birth certificate, passport, drivers license, etc. Take all the important documents of yours and the children, and put all of those in a safe deposit box at the new bank. Or, in a fireproof safe at a very trusted friend/relative's house. Also take or make copies of all financial documents including bank statements, tax returns, mortgage, car loans, investment and retirement accounts, paychecks, etc. Put these in the safe box or fireproof safe.

Get onto all of her accounts right now and download copies of all her financial records going back as far as you can. This may be critically important if she tries to screw you over financially. You want to be able to prove her earnings and how much she has saved or invested. She will change all the passwords as soon as she suspects you might be going for divorce, and then you will not be able to get access to that information.

Download copies of all her cell phone records. Download all emails and also her entire FaceBook (get some expert advice on Facebook before you do it because there are a few tricks).

Store several copies of everything which is electronic, and store them off site. Put them on thumb drives or burn data DVDs and put them in the safe box. Store them in the cloud with a new password you have never used anywhere else.

Be sure your computer is set to not store cookies or history for the new bank accounts and the cloud accounts. You don't want her to spy on you and get access!

Call several lawyers. Get recommendations from men you know who talked positively about their divorce lawyer. If there is a lawyer you think she would use, go talk to that one because then she cannot use that one. Most lawyers will give you a brief free consultation and answer your basic questions.


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## Fangt

Thank you for all the advices, they are great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fangt

Little update, after I confront her, we had a talk last night. she said she want to go to marriage consulting. I agreed, even though, I had my doubt if marriage consulting will work. What is the chance that marriage consulting a couple of hours once a couple weeks can change a clinical cheater? She agreed to block the guys contact from her phone and email address and she give me the password for her phone and email, I see them as a good gesture but not the ulitimate solution, aha can always get another phone and get another email. She did not agree to sign the paper saying if she cheat again she will agree to leave with nothing. We are about to do marriage consulting in a couple of days. At this stage I still apt to divorce. Do you think that she will change after consulting? Another thing is that I still cannot forgive her at this stage. I know that our marriage is not going to work if I cannot forgive her, but I just cannot do it at this stage, further down the road, maybe, if she shows good behaviour. My plan is to still do the consulting ( give our marriage a chance, also keep her guard down) meanwhile prepare for the divorce. Ultimately, give her two piece of paper to choose to sign, divorce paper or the paper saying if she cheat again, she will leave with nothing. Hope the best and prepare for the worst. What do you think of my plan? 
Another thing happened last night is that at one stage our talk went sour she backhand slapped me
In the ear and I punched back (once). she started it first. Will it cause me trouble further down the road? What can I do to reduce the damage if she wants to make something out of it? I am ashamed of myself for punching her, I always dispise the man who raise their hand to women, I am ashamed that I am one of them now. But that was just my nature reaction after she punched me, my brain was not working at all. I still free horrible for punching her now, afterword I give apologized to her and give her water and Tylenol.
What do you think of this whole thing? Is my plan feasible? 
You support has been very important to me for that I want to say thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

1) Every human has the right to defend himself/herself against physical attack. But, the law is not on your side as a man. In the future, walk away if she becomes physical with you.

Get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and have it with you all the time, especially if you are having talks with her. Weightlifter is a member here with specific recommendations on make and model VAR. Even if it is not "legal" to record without her knowledge, do it anyway. If she becomes hostile or physical, or if she corners you and becomes verbally abusive, say calmly and clearly that she is being abusive and to stop. Say clearly and calmly that you want to leave. If she won't get out of your way, say clearly and calmly that you want to leave and she is preventing you from leaving. If she hits you, say something so it is on the recording. "You just hit me. Please don't do that again. I am leaving the room now. Please get out of my way".

The reason for all that is for your legal defense. Her physical abuse of you is a good predictor that she will be nasty in a divorce. There is a good chance she'll make a false claim that you hit her. Also if you have to push past her to get out of a room when she is being abusive to you, she may call the police and report that you assaulted her. Your recording will prove you were the victim and not the criminal.

If the police ever get involved, never ever admit to touching her in any way. The police generally will arrest the man. Even if you have bruises on your face from her, they will arrest you if you admit to touching her. Even if she admits to hitting you first, the police may arrest you! So shut the F up and don't ever admit to touching her!

2) Her refusing to sign anything seems to me she is not feeling very guilty for what she has done. However, such agreements probably have no legal standing and are useless to you. You have to talk to a lawyer and get a solid post-nup contract if that is what you want.

3) Filing for divorce is probably a good move even if you want to try to rebuild the marriage. This tells her that you are taking action to end the marriage because of her behavior. She can't just string you along, she has to actually do something to save the marriage. If you don't file for divorce, she can do the minimum she thinks she can get away with and still have you not leave her.

I you file for divorce and she doesn't make the effort you need, you let the divorce go through. If you don't file for divorce until after you work for several years on the marriage, you lose the head start on the divorce process which is a full year in Canada if I recall accurately. 

4) Your wife will not change with a little bit of marriage counseling. She has to understand why she is a cheater, and then she has to be motivated to change. Someone hopefully will post on your thread the difference between Real Remorse and False Remorse, and the difference between Real Reconciliation and False Reconciliation. There are several good lists on this website but I don't have links to them.

Your wife has to demonstrate she is truly remorseful for having hurt you and having cheated. She has to then take strong actions to rebuild a new marriage with you.

Reconciliation does not happen quickly or easily! Don't let things slide. Don't let her get away easily.

Also, you always have the right to divorce her even if she is doing everything right. If this is too much for you, it is your right to decide you cannot stay with her even if she completely changes and is working hard to rebuild.


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## the guy

You don't need the second paper to sign. The first one you have is good enough she either signs it or plan on her cheating again....so file!

Your wife has zero remorse.

By the why does your wife have a glass jaw and drop like a rock or did she hold her own?


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## synthetic

Jesus Christ man. If you find yourself having to punch your wife in defense I'd say you're walking on a seriously thin line.

Divorce her asap before you end up in jail. She has already started resenting you for finding out about her cheating. She will do anything to level the playing field. Watch for domestic abuse accusations coming your ways. She's got the entire police force and the judicial system on her side.

Divorce NOW.


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## turnera

Fangt said:


> She did not agree to sign the paper saying if she cheat again she will agree to leave with nothing. We are about to do marriage consulting in a couple of days. At this stage I still apt to divorce. Do you think that she will change after consulting?
> 
> Ultimately, give her two piece of paper to choose to sign, divorce paper or the paper saying if she cheat again, she will leave with nothing.


You should have done that initially. She called your bluff and you bit it. Oh well. Do you have a VAR installed under the seat of her car? Have you actually CHECKED her phone? Is there a keylogger on her computer?

As for hitting a woman? Wow, IIWY, I would have an appointment for tomorrow at 9am with a psychologist to prove that you take this seriously, so that you never EVER do it again. I'll tell you though, as a woman, I just lost half my respect for you.


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## Fangt

I do not have VAR. I am going to get one, it sounds very handy. The only thing I have monitored so far is the computer, of which she does not use often, thanks for smart phones. 
I have not checked her phone yet, since she give me the passcode of her phone, she must have deleted anything relevant. So does all the relevant emails in her account.( thanks god that I have backup). 
As for hitting a woman......I am ashamed of it.problem is that I am not sure I will not do it again if she hit me, which scares me, because at that moment it is almost like pure muscle reaction. I have to think of a way to occupy my hands with something, so when she hit me, I have to drop the thing to be able to hit back, and that dropping will give me enough time to stop myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301

Best thing to do it cover your half of the finances, get a lawyer, hand her the papers and let her know that she's not worth the salt of your tears and be done with her.

If she pleads and wants another chance, then you can put money on the saying that a leopard never changes it's spots and remember that it wasn't just one time she cheated but two. One is bad enough and it's obvious that she can't or wont change her ways.


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## bandit.45

Cmon quit trading punches with her. You're a guy, you can take a hit. Don't let her bait you like that. Take the hit and walk away. Laugh at her. File for divorce and do a hard 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Fangt said:


> I have not checked her phone yet, since she give me the passcode of her phone, she must have deleted anything relevant.


So? Take it right now. Take it tonight when she gets home or when she goes to bed. The point of the passwords is to KEEP checking. And the instant you find that she has changed passwords, kick her out IMMEDIATELY.



Fangt said:


> As for hitting a woman......I am ashamed of it.problem is that I am not sure I will not do it again if she hit me, which scares me, because at that moment it is almost like pure muscle reaction. I have to think of a way to occupy my hands with something, so when she hit me, I have to drop the thing to be able to hit back, and that dropping will give me enough time to stop myself.


Keep your phone in your hand at all times. That way, if she hits you again, you immediately dial 911. It will shock her so much that she probably won't hit you again. Although I'm not sure she will now anyway; I doubt she expected to get punched.


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## Thor

Fangt said:


> As for hitting a woman......I am ashamed of it.problem is that I am not sure I will not do it again if she hit me, which scares me, because at that moment it is almost like pure muscle reaction.


Unless you believe you are at risk of injury, be dispassionate and view this as a chance to gather evidence against her. You should in fact attempt to be as dispassionate as possible in every interaction you have with her from now on. You are now in a business negotiation with her, not an intimate personal relationship.

So be cold and calculating like a shark business negotiator. Never show your weakness. Take advantage of her weaknesses. Avoid her strengths.

The law is her strength against you, as you are presumed a wife beater by the law. All she has to do is say it, and it is so.

Your weakness? Emotions. Especially an anger when struck. You gotta learn to laugh when she starts preparing to strike you. Really.

And then when you get it on the recording that she is hitting you, you win big time. Now don't bait her into it, but if she does it, she loses.

Follow the advice you're getting from everyone. VAR the car. VAR on you whenever you interact with her. EXPECT her to make false accusations, and learn how to react when she does. NEVER admit to touching her in any way if the police show up. Don't lie to the police, but don't admit to even pushing her out of the way. Tell them "I don't feel comfortable making a statement right now. I am a bit shaken up". Be the first to dial 911 if your wife gets physical. Press charges, and use your VAR as evidence. TALK TO AN ATTORNEY to be sure what the legalities are where you live.

Visit dadsdivorce.com and look at The List. Document everything. Make copies of all important documents and financial records.

Your wife is going to get really really nasty on you. This is hard ball, and the game is heavily stacked against you if you aren't prepared.


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## Thor

turnera said:


> As for hitting a woman? Wow, IIWY, I would have an appointment for tomorrow at 9am with a psychologist to prove that you take this seriously, so that you never EVER do it again. I'll tell you though, as a woman, I just lost half my respect for you.


A lot of men are physically abused by women, suffering physical and emotional trauma. We don't know the specifics of this case so I am not going to judge him.


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## Roselyn

I don't believe that marriage counseling will work in your situation. Your wife is a serial cheater. She will continue this behavior. If you can accept this wayward behavior, in addition to exposing you to diseases such as aids, then proceed to reconcile. Otherwise, consult with your attorney and complete the divorce process. You've gone to physical fighting. This will only land you in jail in the road ahead. Jail time is not good for your work record. You can lose your present employment or future ones for being a "jailbird" with assault charges. 

Don't stay in a bad marriage because of the children. They will suffer in a bad marriage. You have a rough road ahead. I believe that in your case, a divorce is in order. You deserve a better life.


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## missthelove2013

Being a cuckold in front of your kids is NOT in their best interest...
your kids need a stable healthy environment to counteract the one your wife is creating...she is a serial cheater and you have already let her off the hook once...she wont stop...next time she might be more careful and keep it hidden...i cant imagine the poon is that good, cut your losses, continue to be a great stable dad, and divorce her skank arse


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