# Post divorce and just flat-out-worn-out in life. That and the "fear" thing.



## Alright23 (May 4, 2012)

So I've been divorced for 3 years now. I was married for 9. We have three living children and she has another set of twins by her new boyfriend(? fiance?)
So basically when everything went south, from my viewpoint, it happened all at once. She had pushed me out of her life in favor of a new guy... well, an old "friend" of hers. I was devastated. I didn't lose a wife, I lost my whole family. 
-Now a little background, I have always put them first. I made many decisions based on what SHE wanted for her family as opposed to what I wanted, or felt what was right, because for me it was always about making her happy first. Don't get me wrong, I am not a saint, nor do I feel like complaining here, but I do feel the need to say, quite simply; She wronged the Hell out of me. It was a very manipulative, abusive marriage with betrayal and infidelity on her end. No, I never cheated, not even for revenge.

Since then, I had a rough time with employment until about 8 months ago. I have a steady job, it's at a grocery store. I make jack, but the ethic is real, the hunger is real and I will make it to management.
I live in a crappy room. I have no ability for my boys to spend the night with me. I get the occasional sadistic call from the ex every so often that highlights how "boyfriend is a great father figure to your kids." Basically, there are a ton of things that are trying to push me into a neurotic-self-doubting mess.

I get on dating sites. I have no idea why. I suppose because I'm lonely. I am so far away from being right for anyone or realistically having the financials for something stable. No one takes a look or is interested, though I am very sincere, though not weak. I am not an unattractive person, not a model, but not a beast. 
Yeah- I doubt myself. I was seeing one woman a year ago when I lived in another city, away from the kids. She turned out to be a mess, in and out of jail, just really a person who made me look at myself and say "What the Hell am I attracting?" But there was passion.
So I have a history of toxic relationships now... Total fear of being betrayed again, an immobilizing paralysis when it comes to even trying to attract something that might be right. A tiny circle of friends and a TON of work to accomplish before I feel back in control of my life.
Any advice for a romantic-cynic-intelligent-funny-guy? I can take the brutal truth folks, but bonus points if you can say it with humor. At times I really do feel completely rut-stuck, despite the few good things I DO have. I am really just afraid of being so damaged I will not be good for anyone.


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## srr (May 3, 2012)

*Re: Post divorce and just flat-out-worn-out in life. That and the "fear" thing.*

It is good you have a steady job and are working towards a management postion. And you have some good friends. In those ways it sounds like you are doing well. 

It's unkind of your ex to make "father-figure" comments. You could just reply that you are "glad everyone is getting along so well". Because if her boyfriend really is treating your sons well, then that is good, right? That guy is no replacement for you- but he is in their lives. 

Do you have a friend or relative who would let you stay overnight occasionally with the boys? Even if you don't, you can make your time with them great by giving them your attention- being truly interested in them and having fun with them. 

Sounds like you're still hurting a lot after three years of divorce. Maybe you just didn't mention hobbies (and maybe you don't have a lot of free time), but having some interests and fun is part of taking good care of yourself- and will make it easier to connect with other people. 
A "romantic-cynic-intelligent-funny-guy" knows he has a lot of good times ahead of him, so he knows to keep moving forward, right?


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

*Re: Post divorce and just flat-out-worn-out in life. That and the "fear" thing.*

there are some really good books out there on helping you to become the person you would want to date... your still viewing your self through the "failure" eyes of a marrage... dont let her take "your" value away!!


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