# I don't think my husband wants kids. ...



## stacyjen (Mar 27, 2013)

This fathers day just passing had sort of opened my eyes again. My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage 9 and 7. When we first started dating (6 yrs ago) he knew I wanted kids, I have none. I was pregnant with my first marriage but miscarried. We are going on 2 years being married, and he never talks about kids. It's like a very strange subject when it comes up so I try not to. But lately I have been thinking about previous spoken conversations and our life now, and I truly believe he doesn't want kids. He's always working, I'm taking care of his kids when they are over since the start. When I mention a friend/relative having a baby he gets this look and attitude like eehhhh. Hes 37 and I feel like his first wife got it out of him. He came from a very small family, and I from a big family. He has 1 sister and I have 4 siblings. I'm starting to feel like he's used up and im being used also. This past fathers day when his kids framed pictured of themselves as newborns with their dad smiling and laughing I feel resentful. Like, why doesn't he want that with me. I told him before we were engaged that I can't be with someone who doesn't want babies. But I think a lot of times itgoes in one ear and out the other like he thinks Im not true to my word bc its love and I wouldn't leave him for that. Or he simply just doesn't want anymore. I have been dreaming about my ex alot. ...to much for comfort. Don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

He already has 2 kids, he doesn't want anymore.

If he did you wouldn't be meeting so much resistance.

So what are you going to do about it?

- Tell him you're going to have a couple of kids whether or not he wants to

- Tell him that if he doesn't change his attitude about having kids you're going to leave him and find a guy who wants to have kids

- Accept the fact that the only kids you're going to have are the ones that you have obtained by marrying him.

But whatever you do, it's time to put it all out on the table, stop beating around the bush and get some real answers. I suspect that he's pretty much where I am now. I have 2 daughters, one is almost 21 the other is almost 18 and I would never want to go through it again from the start, the idea of changing a diaper is completely revolting to me at this point and when you think about the costs of raising a child through the age of majority is just overwhelming. Not to mention the sacrifices we make of our own time that could be spent traveling or doing things we just never get around to.

Your husband's biggest problem is that he's not man enough to tell you that's where his mind is at, and sorry that he told you something different a couple of years ago and if you want a divorce he completely understands.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

I really like lenzi post. She hits a lot of nails on the head.

The two of you married for the wrong reasons! That is the bottom line! You married, because you had expectations of having future kids and he married because he wanted sex, because he was lonely, and because he wants someone to mother his kids. This is a terrible reason to get married. And now the two of you are at a stage in life of regret, bitterness, resentment, etc.

Yes, your husband was deceptive before you got married with empty promises. He probably only said things that wanted to hear and you gladly accepted them for face value. So what now? I think lenzi's last answer of, "Accept the fact that the only kids you're going to have are the ones that you have obtained by marrying him."

If you cannot accept this, you will be bitter at him and throw away your marriage commitment to him. Yes, marriage is about commitment! Its not about feelings! When you say, "I do" you are saying that you want to be committed to your husband when things go south, when things get difficult, when finances dry up, when there is no possibility of having more kids, etc.

If you want to walk away from that commitment, you do that on your own accord. But you two need to come to an open table and discuss your feelings...NOT to lord it over them or give ultimatums such as, "If we do not have kid(s), than I am leaving you." That is NOT love! That is a selfish one-sided love. Love is patient and love does not take into account the wrongs that have been suffered.

Your daydreams and thoughts about your ex needs to stop. You are killing your marriage. Don't play any longer into those thoughts! Cut those thoughts off! Don't go there! Stay away! Commitment! Commitment! Commitment!


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

I would give him one last opportunity to discuss it and make my decision from there. If having children is most important & he isn't wiling to give you that, then you may need to consider ending the marriage and moving on.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Goodgrl said:


> I would give him one last opportunity to discuss it and make my decision from there. If having children is most important & he isn't wiling to give you that, then you may need to consider ending the marriage and moving on.


How sad and shallow. Where have we gone as a culture? The value of marriage is trampled upon in our society...it means nothing. The real problem with it and how people get to a place that they realize they are not compatible is that they skipped the dating stage and jumped straight into marriage. They treat marriage as the means to figure out who their love is. This is so backwards from the way life is. You take a couple of years to figure who the person is, before deciding whether you should marry or not. You don't marry just upon a feeling or emotion. I would venture to say that 85% of all marriages today are based upon this value. "Sparks are flying, so we should get married." WRONG!

Marriage is about commitment and honor. If you cannot be happy in your marriage now, I promise you that you will NEVER be happy with someone else. NEVER! If all you want out of a marriage is what you want, than its not really a marriage, but one-sided. You might as well just marry yourself.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

stacyjen said:


> This fathers day just passing had sort of opened my eyes again. My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage 9 and 7. When we first started dating (6 yrs ago) he knew I wanted kids, I have none. I was pregnant with my first marriage but miscarried. We are going on 2 years being married, and he never talks about kids. It's like a very strange subject when it comes up so I try not to. But lately I have been thinking about previous spoken conversations and our life now, and I truly believe he doesn't want kids. He's always working, I'm taking care of his kids when they are over since the start. When I mention a friend/relative having a baby he gets this look and attitude like eehhhh. Hes 37 and I feel like his first wife got it out of him. He came from a very small family, and I from a big family. He has 1 sister and I have 4 siblings. I'm starting to feel like he's used up and im being used also. This past fathers day when his kids framed pictured of themselves as newborns with their dad smiling and laughing I feel resentful. Like, why doesn't he want that with me. I told him before we were engaged that I can't be with someone who doesn't want babies. But I think a lot of times itgoes in one ear and out the other like he thinks Im not true to my word bc its love and I wouldn't leave him for that. Or he simply just doesn't want anymore. I have been dreaming about my ex alot. ...to much for comfort. Don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're situation is similar to mine except my husband has one child from a previous relationship and truth be told (he won't say it outright) he has absolutely NO interest in having anymore children. I've already reached my breaking point with him on the subject and my mind is made up to have a child of my own some way somehow even if he's not apart of the scenario. I tried going to marriage counseling for this subject and the therapist even commented that my husband isn't on the same page with me when it comes to having more children.

If this is your wish you need to discuss it with him and don't back down when he starts becoming too negative. Tell him it's been enjoyable raising his children and now you'd like the same honor of raising your own biological little ones.

You have to be realistic and understand that if you do get pregnant he can and is likely to leave you. Are you ok with being a single mother? That's just the way some men are once they have a couple of their own; the desire to parent in males a child comes and goes quickly.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I've already reached my breaking point with him on the subject and my mind is made up to have a child of my own some way somehow even if he's not apart of the scenario.


mtpromises -

Why did you marry him to begin with, if your mind was made up that you were going to call the shots at all costs, regardless of his approval. I am not excusing any of your husband's negative actions upon you, but you are treating your husband as a tool...a means to an end to accomplish your will and desires. That is just a one-sided selfish marriage.

Why are you so bent upon having a child so badly that it cost you the very essence of what being a parent is about. You take this approach of yours into parenthood and you will raise your children to be cynical, selfish, and spoiled, because I promise you that they will watch and learn it from you. Children learn what they live and see and they will grow up the same way.

And kids need a father in their lives! I don't care how strong you may think you are, thinking that you can handle parenting alone, thinking fathers have no place with kids. Marriage is about a team...a union. It sounds like the two of you are living your separate lives apart from each other, but under the same roof. Where did you start down this path?


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> mtpromises -
> 
> Why did you marry him to begin with, if your mind was made up that you were going to call the shots at all costs, regardless of his approval. I am not excusing any of your husband's negative actions upon you, but you are treating your husband as a tool...a means to an end to accomplish your will and desires. That is just a one-sided selfish marriage.
> 
> ...


This isn't my question and I don't want to take away from the OP. 

All I have to say is my husband and I married with the intent to have children. Somewhere along the lines my husband has hinted that's not what he wants because he already has one. It felt like the rug was yanked from me.

I'm not really 'bent' on the idea of having a child. If you would've said this to me a year ago I would've agreed, but I'm in college right now working towards my teaching certificate. I'm not sure if I really am strong enough to be a single parent, but I know the idea doesn't scare me anymore.

Living separate lives is an understatement. It's been this way since the beginning I suppose.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To the OP... Have you ever directly asked him whether he wants kids or not? From your post, it seems like you've just stated your position. But never asked for his. 

C


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Please TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.

Most men (myself included) do not get hints or pick up on moods as well as women seem to. If you want to KNOW if he wants to have / is ready to have more children you need to ASK HIM.

BTW IMHO you should have had this conversation BEFORE you decided to get married.

If couples would spend a few nights fumbling with their words instead of each other’s clothing there might be fewer nasty surprises in store.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but from the OP’s original post it does not appear that this was discussed in advance.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Living separate lives is an understatement. It's been this way since the beginning I suppose.


So why did you marry in the first place?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Commitment isn't only one sided. And a commitment made under false pretenses is shaky at best. She clearly expressed her desires to have children the entire time they were dating, and before her proposed he knew that was one of her desires. 

The OP indicates they did date -for years-. If my interpretation and math from her post is correct, they dated for 4 years, then married - and now have been married for 2 years. So your interpretation of "sparks flying" and bad planning isn't in line with the OPs situation. 

So sorry - I don't think the onus is all on her for "having a selfish kind of love." I'd say being deceptive to get what you wanted (s stepmother for your children) is selfish, being honest about what you want, and still wanting it - isn't selfish.


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## Sacha (Jul 12, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> How sad and shallow. Where have we gone as a culture? The value of marriage is trampled upon in our society...it means nothing. The real problem with it and how people get to a place that they realize they are not compatible is that they skipped the dating stage and jumped straight into marriage. They treat marriage as the means to figure out who their love is. This is so backwards from the way life is. You take a couple of years to figure who the person is, before deciding whether you should marry or not. You don't marry just upon a feeling or emotion. I would venture to say that 85% of all marriages today are based upon this value. "Sparks are flying, so we should get married." WRONG!
> 
> Marriage is about commitment and honor. If you cannot be happy in your marriage now, I promise you that you will NEVER be happy with someone else. NEVER! If all you want out of a marriage is what you want, than its not really a marriage, but one-sided. You might as well just marry yourself.


I think you are being completely judgmental and self-righteous, marriage is just a piece of paper that ties 2 people together. What makes a union lasts is when 2 people are in the same direction, who want and respect the same things in life. My husband and I have one child together but that child only existed because I wanted him, I am not saying that my husband isn't a good father in fact he is the best father I have ever seen and one that my son is extremely lucky to have. But the fact of the matter is, it IS a big deal when your partner doesn't want the same thing in life as you. Before I married my husband, he knew I wanted a large family - 5 children in fact - but since we have been married he has always puts up some kind resistance to having children, if it's not about finances then it's about my "skills" as a parent well quite frankly I am tired of hearing the same BS and I'm not afraid to end it knowing the ramification of my action. Marriage is but a piece of paper that ties 2 people together and nothing more. A union is about commitment, compromise and love if you want it to last, if you don't have these then what is the point in carrying on? Life is too short. I'm not telling the OP to get rid of her husband but I understand how it feels to feel complete in a marriage. Having a husband a couple of children that you can call your own but when your husband denies you of that, it doesn't make you feel a whole lot "woman". 

OP - let your husband know how serious this is, don't beat about the bush. Men don't play guessing games, once you know where you stand only then can you make a concise decision for your future. You only live once and life is too short! 

Sacha.


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