# wife has broken us, time to get out?



## sunk (Apr 29, 2014)

New user here, just trying to get advise on the situation. Sorry for the long story, just wanted to throw it all out there.

My wife is several years older than me, and when we were married she handled the finances. I thought that she seemed to know what she was doing, having been a divorced mother for some time. We bought a house, bought a car, and basically racked up a bunch of debt. Neither one of us grew up with money, so not sure if we just didn't know how to manage our money or what. So basically we struggled financially for years, both of us spending beyond our limits. Both of had a lot of short term, high interest debt, with her having a TON of the payday loans. Granted I had several myself, but I always tried to get out of them. She on the other hand borrowed more to make the payments on what she had. 

Long story short several years go by, both our credit is shot, mortgage and car company calling non-stop. Went to my dad to co-sign a loan, cleaned up our act for awhile, then started slipping again. Several years later, went back to my dad to help again, this time was a clean slate deal. Once in a life time deal. Borrowed enough to clean up all of our short term debt, leaving us the mortgage, car, and student loan. Somehow she started slipping again, and started hitting up the payday loan places again.

Last spring she was really in a bind so she even borrowed money from her ex-husband to bale her out. Then in the fall she floored me with the news that she was sunk in payday loans again, so she borrowed money from her sister. She already owed her mom, several loans. All the while I was making payments on our joint loan that my dad helped us with.

Just a few weeks ago I found out that she had also taken out several internet loans last spring. Then I found out that she was in debt again with several payday loan places. This after asking her repeatedly if she had borrowed or owed anything more or new. 

I took over all of the bills in the fall when she wasn't making the payments on utilities anymore. Since then I've got everything caught up, paid on time, paying on everything except her loans. We both make good money for our area, and her entire paycheck goes towards loan payments. Mine goes towards all of the bills, plus my gas for work, and the family groceries.

She's lied to me so many times, saying that she didn't have any loans, then I find out she's got a ton again. She's borrowed money from everyone. I confronted her a few weeks ago saying that I was done with it all, basically saying everything except I'm filing. We have 2 kids together, and really feel for them, however I'm worried that there won't be any retirement for me if I don't end it now. I'm only 40 and still somewhat young enough to fix this, but the rate she's going, there won't be any money left for anything. 

My step-daughter is getting married in a month, and then I was going to file for divorce. Even tonight I try and talk about bills for the upcoming month, and she immediately starts to get agitated. Am I really out of line for wanting a divorce? There are other issues with our marriage, but for me the money problems are the biggest.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You're perfectly within your rights to divorce over this.

How old are your kids?

Is your step daughter the last to leave the nest?


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## sunk (Apr 29, 2014)

We still have 2 kids at home, preteen/teenager, that are both of ours.

She had 2 kids that I helped raise. The step daughter is the oldest. My thinking on that was that I didn't want to ruin her day with it being so close. Plans have already been laid out for me to be a part of it, and didn't want to ruin that for her. 

Overall I think that I've learned from my financial mistakes and have matured somewhat in that area, where as she hasn't, even going to the extent of lieing to me about them.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So what's your plan?

You're in a bit of a predicament with those kids concerning the money situation with her.

You can almost be certain any child support you give is lost.

What's the potential for alimony?

I'm just wondering if you're going to be stuck paying for her financial idiocy even if you leave.

Maybe you should talk to a lawyer and see what they say about that aspect.
How would a judge respond where custody is concerned due to her problems?


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## sunk (Apr 29, 2014)

Not sure on the details yet. Going to have to talk to a lawyer to see what's going to be possible before filing. We both make the same salary, so I don't foresee alimony, not sure on the child support. 

My problem right now is that all of my check goes to bills/gas/groceries. I'm not wanting to screw her over and kick her to the curb, but I don't have a dime to spare to help her get on her feet. Being that we're still married, not sure if all of her loans (personal and payday) would be counted as half mine as well.

My only hope is that here in a couple of months, a couple of her loans will be paid off, maybe giving her some leeway to start making things better.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

How horrible! My first reaction to the secret borrowed money was what is she doing with the money? 

God yes, divorce. Yesterday isn't fast enough.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

OMG!! Why does she need to keep going to payday loans? They are like the worst place on the planet. 

And what does she do with the money? What does she need to buy? Have you considered that she may have a drug problem or gambling problem?

Even if you still love her, I would likely recommend divorce for financial reasons. You could still stay together, but then she could declare personal bankruptcy and keep you out of the mess.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Divorce might be tricky in this situation.

Sunk is correct, he could be liable for her loans due to marriage.
He needs a lawyer.

On the flip side if he divorces her and he's liable for the loans at least there's an end to the madness because he won't be liable for any loans post divorce.

Meaning he could pay off "his half" and be done.

Might be the only way out depending on what the lawyer says.

Let us know what the lawyer says sunk because I'd love to know the legalities of your situation.

I'm very sorry she's done this to you.

Where is this money going?
If you're paying the bills and all she has is her phone and car payment and you both make the same pay, what's she doing with the cash?


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Divorce means your taking at least half the debt. Also child support too, Stop letting her handle the bills.-she's inept with money that's obvious!!!


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## sunk (Apr 29, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies. I think the biggest thing that she spending money on is gambling. That added to the lack of managing money. She's not a planner by any means, lives paycheck to paycheck, and for whatever reason doesn't think past the next one. So she'll borrow a payday loan to save her ass today, but no plan as to how to actually pay it off.

Right now she isn't paying a dime towards household bills. She pays for her own gas in her car, we don't currently have any car loans, and whatever for her lunch. All the rest of her paycheck goes to all of these loans. I've taken over all of the bills that I need to worry about, and its taking all of my check just to stay afloat. No savings or anything to fall back on emergency wise, so I'm really in a bad situation. 

I'm actually used to a lot of this behavior, however the recent discovery of all the lieing and going behind my back has just made me really step back and take a look at the big picture. 

In the fall, I actually did suggest that she file for bankrupcy by herself, since everything she wanted to take care of was hers, and she really acted insulted. She couldn't believe I would suggest that. She got her sister to bail her out, so that was off the table for the time being. She did check into it with a lawyer but considering the amount of short term debt she's accumulated, the lawyer told her it may be considered as bankrupcy fraud (racking up tons of loans and then turning around and filing backrupcy).

I'll proceed first with the lawyer and seek advise from there. I just wanted some second opinions to make sure I was really thinking about this the right way, that divorce in this case really was justified and I wasn't just being selfish.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

sunk said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I think the biggest thing that she spending money on is gambling.


Might as well be a heroin addict then. I'd leave my husband in a heartbeat if he was doing this to us and not seeking treatment.


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## sunk (Apr 29, 2014)

Even after blowing up at her about a month ago, finding out what loans she has, and her swearing up and down that was all, she hits me today with news of even more to the tune of about two grand more.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I don't know that I've ever suggested anything like this before, but here's a thought:

See if you can assume at least somewhat more than your share of the debt in lieu of paying her alimony and maybe even child support. After the divorce is final, file for bankruptcy under either chapter 7 or 13 (advantages and disadvantages to both).

Talk to some lawyers and financial people. There may be some kinks that would make this unworkable, but it may be worth exploring.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

At first I was thinking she had a spending problem much like a gambler has a gambling addiction - but then read what you added later, that she IS gambling.  I feel so very badly for you! Regardless of what you decide, can you ever trust her by just continuing to give her more and more chances to wreck your finances without her first getting addiction counseling? Has she ever had it? If you pay this all off for her, she's just going to slide back into it again and again, right? Your trust in her has been broken, so you're not at all wrong by laying down the law, whatever that may be, at this point. If you decide to pursue reconciliation, I hope you can invest in counseling, both for your marriage as well as her addiction. So sorry for you, friend!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How about having her assume all of her debt and you take your children and forgo alimony and child support? At least you'll know your children will have a roof over their heads, food and clothing. I wouldn't trust her to take care of the children without you having to bail her out.


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## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

Sunk: "..the biggest thing that she spending money on is gambling."
Happy family:" *Might as well be a heroin addict then.* I'd leave my husband in a heartbeat if he was doing this to us and not seeking treatment."

Happy family nailed it here. Read that a dozen times. 

Literally, no amount of money will be enough, when your spouse is an uncontrolled gambler. By uncontrolled, I mean can't help themselves, lies to others and themselves. That's when it has become a mental illness - when there are unmanageable consequences but the denial persists. Self deception is absolutely key to the condition. 

I really hate to say this because treating people with respect for their autonomy is important. But *you have an addict in the house*. Take her check. Cut up her cards - she pays cash only. She produces receipts for everything - she gets no scratchcards. But first - she accepts she is an addict and gets treatment. She may even thank you. But time to play absolutely straight, without anger, more in sorry, but absolutely hardball on this one. After the wedding if you must, but no need really to wait to take control.


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