# Advice needed!



## Struggle4Happiness (May 27, 2009)

Where to start... I am new to the forums... I feel as though I have used all my resources with family and friends (who all.. despite their efforts to not be...are biased on way or the other) and thought anonymity from people elsewhere could help me and my marriage.

I know most people would say to go to a counselor but I could never get my husband to go. I assume I should give some background information on our relationship before I jump into the problems that I need help solving.

We started dating when we were in high school. We have had our ups and downs. From break-ups to make-ups and so forth. While we were dating, he decided he needed to get his life on the right track. He joined the military and has been Active Duty since. We got married 3 years into his military career. He was deployed shortly thereafter. For the next 2 years, our marriage was not spent together but rather apart. He lived in one state and would come home weekends to where I lived with my parents. 

Last September his 4 years was up and we were deciding on whether or not he would re-enlist. We wanted to buy a house and their were orders to where we wanted to live. We bought a house and moved 2 hours south of our family and friends. Everything seemed to go downhill after that. He hates where we live now. We don’t know anyone and only see family/some friends on weekends. Our bills have grown and our "splurge" money dwindled away to almost nothing. We get by just fine but we can not go out and just throw money away like we could a few years ago.

The problems I am having revolve around him. I LOVE being able to wake up every morning and go to bed every night with him by my side. He doesn’t seem as thrilled. He is NEVER happy and the smallest of things set him off into a violent rage (my walls have the holes to prove it). He has been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety issues in the past but he is not on any medication for them. Our sex life (I actually was told from the wife of one his friends that he mentioned he is not attracted to me anymore. When I heard that my heart sank and broke into a million pieces. I have since lost almost 40 lbs. I have about 30 more to go until i am at my goal weight) is almost nothing unless I start it up. He says he "hates his life" from the bills we pay to his job to where we live... he hates them all. I am apart of his life and I personally do not feel as though I have done anything wrong to warrant him hating our life together. 

How can I make him happy? I am terrified of his rage outbursts. We don’t have any children yet... I thank my lucky stars. I don’t think I ever want to bring children into this world with him as the father. He scares the crap out of me and that isn’t normal. He doesn’t seem to sleep at all anymore.

Sorry this is a novel but I needed to vent and hopefully someone can help me. I know he needs to go to the doctor and get help but he wont. What can I do? Is there any hope? I also feel like ALL OF THIS is somehow my fault. 

I apologize if I skip around and jump to new topics. I have wanted to get all this off my chest for some time now and once I started writing, I couldn’t stop.

All help is appreciated.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Depression is a killer relationship wise, it takes work to be w/someone whom is depressed especially one who won't get help. I've been there, I'm separated because of it now. It's the most painful thing ever. This is NOT your fault. You have not made him "hate" his life. Whatever you do, do NOT let yourself believe that. My DH has just now started getting help (after he left ) 

Does he talk to you about why he's so unhappy? I mean I'm a military brat moving is a part of the deal, being away from family etc. But look around you there's an entire base filled w/people whom are away from home. 

Not sure really what to tell you here, my DH didn't seek help until his job made him and it was pretty much the depression causes him to lose his job or he goes to see a psych. Broke my heart that I begged him for years to get some help and nothing but when the employer said go he went.

Keep trying to talk to him, don't push too hard as that will push him away but reassure him that you are there for him no matter what, no matter how hard nor long it takes that you are supporting him. I wish you the best of luck keep talking come here and write it all out there are wonderful people on these boards and we're all here to support each other.

My blessings and prayers are with you and your family.


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## Struggle4Happiness (May 27, 2009)

Rhea said:


> Depression is a killer relationship wise, it takes work to be w/someone whom is depressed especially one who won't get help. I've been there, I'm separated because of it now. It's the most painful thing ever. This is NOT your fault. You have not made him "hate" his life. Whatever you do, do NOT let yourself believe that. My DH has just now started getting help (after he left )
> 
> Does he talk to you about why he's so unhappy? I mean I'm a military brat moving is a part of the deal, being away from family etc. But look around you there's an entire base filled w/people whom are away from home.
> 
> ...


He says he isnt happy because we dont live where we used to growing up. He has no friends down here and refuses to hang out with the people he works with. Then the fact that we have tons of bills which usually leaves us with no "splurge money". He hates his job and the stress that comes with it. He keeps saying that "I should have NEVER re-enlisted". He seems to think that if we lived back where we used to live that ALL of his problems would mysteriously disappear and his life will be perfect. I try so hard to be supportive but it's getting so hard. I've recently turned to just tuning him out and not responding to his "temper tantrums". I dont know how else to deal with it and maintain my sanity and the itty bitty little bit of happiness I have left inside me. It is literally tearing me apart from the inside out.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You, unfortunately, cannot "fix" what ails him. You can be supportive, but not at the expense of your own self-esteem and safety. Anyone who rages and puts holes through things or does other physical damage (or verbal abuse) is a threat to your mental health and safety. While I'm sure he has traits that are loveable, you need to separate those from this behavior and see it for what it is--intimidation, bullying, etc. He is taking out his frustrations on you and who can say when they will escalate? How lucky you are smart enough not to have had children with him; that would make it so much more difficult. 

If he won't go to counseling, go on your own. Find out why you "love" someone who behaves like this. You will learn how to stand up for yourself. That may or may not involve ending the marriage, but that is not the question for right now. Take care of yourself, and other things will fall into place. A "stronger" you may be able to have more influence on him, but even if not, you will be so much better off for looking after yourself. Good luck.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

PTSD? check for that, too...


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## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Being a military spouse can be so frustrating when you live your comfort zone and your life and your family and friends for this man to be with him and follow him in his career. 
I dont think you can change his depression and anger issues thats more of a personal issue. If he doesnt want to get counseling, i dont know if there really is anything you can do.
But I feel your pain, trust me. My active duty hubby just told me he is going to legal to ask about divorce and it sucks. 
Good luck, girl


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## drrhudy (May 28, 2009)

Tolstoy Was Right - "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." Platitudes are easy. My heart goes out to you.

My first, and most sincere, recommendation is to commit this issue to prayer. Secondly, I would encourage you to take a quick inventory of your own life and role in this relationship. 

After almost 40 years of marriage, I realize (finally) that there is little I can do to change my spouse. However, it is in my power to change me.

Victor Frankl, a survivor of Nazi concentration camps, stated that he obtained the greatest freedom in realizing that, frequently, there is little that we can do about the circumstances in which we find ourselves. However, irrespective of the circumstance, we can always control our reponse to that circumstance.

Research shows that unhappily married adults who had divorced were no happier than those who had stayed married. The research measured, among other things, well-being, self-esteem, personal mastery, depression, purpose in life, and alcohol consumption.

Research also revealed that the unhappiest marriages had encountered the most dramatic turnarounds when spouses addressed problems together. Commitment served as the underlying foundation for a lasting and often happy marriage.

Dr. Mark Goulston, an Assistant Clinical Professor at UCLA's Neuropsychiatric Institute reported that these findings were consistent with his own clinical experiences. 

It is important to keep in mind that marriages end not because couples stop loving each other. Marriages end when couples can't stop hating each other. 

Give your marriage your absolute best effort before calling it quits. If you don't, you could end up with deep regrets and more unhappiness down the road.


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