# Did I lead her on?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is something that I've been pondering since seperation, I am wondering now, considering I've realised I've fallen out of love with my STBX, if I had actually led her on.

The problems that we had kept getting worse and better at the same time, through it all I tried to convince myself to love her, looking at the positives of her, trying to tell myself that I still loved her... and I thought I felt it then. But when D-day happened, I felt nothing but complete indifference.

My question is, did I lead her on?
In the future, is telling myself that I love someone an unhealthy dynamic?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Have you finished reading Awareness yet? 

Does it really matter if you did? Cuz it cannot be changed.

In the future, try not to "tell yourself" anything. Just be real.
Go with it. Let the pendulum swing back and forth. Find your center, RD. It will come to you, and you can stop chasing it. 

The drama isn't you. It's just your snow globe. Stay out of it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Of course not yet, it's a HUGE read! lol I've printed it out though as I'm never going to read it while it's on electronic form, taking it to the bathroom breaks and sleeping with it atm.
It's actually quite interesting, aside from the religious mumble jumble but I can cope with that. There's so many chapters, and I am resisting skipping them, otherwise I may not get the full message heh

Well, I know it can't be changed, but if anything, it's something I have to learn NOT to do in the future, if I truly led her on, but I don't know if I did, at that time I did think I loved her, but now after falling out of love with this much indifference it made me think twice I guess... I'm still a bit confused at all this to be honest, but I'm less psychotic now


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You still think YOU are in charge of someone else's feelings??

You never were, you never will be. Doesn't matter what you do or don't do, for someone, to someone, or in omission even.

She's in charge of how she reacts to you, how she feels about you. 

You can do the exact same thing to someone else, and get a completely different reaction. So don't focus on how people "react". It's much deeper than just saying "focus on you and how you treat people". That's for the NOW. For the moment. for making your own choices. For choosing not to participate in the drama, and standing still and letting it come to you. To do that, you have to accept people. And stop being afraid that they won't like you unless you do A, B, C. It's about liking YOU first. 
Does that make any sense?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, but if I did lead her on - then I figured it's best I correct my own flaws yes? Lest I end up hurting the next potential future ex wife


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Deejov... I don't think I get what you mean exactly, maybe I should read more on the book but it's going to take me awhile. I'm just trying to find some clarity atm in regards to how I felt about her and how I'm feeling now. It's still a haze...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Good point, but taken out of context. Flaws are things like not using the "filter", or not paying attention to an important need, or love busters, or any other combination.

Leading her on is a phrase that implies you are controlling someone's feelings \ reactions to YOU. You have zero control over that. Zippo. If you are being REAL, you will get a 100 different reactions from a 100 different people. That's life. 

If you want to be accepted for who you are, then you have to do the same for others. Let them react however they want. If they fall in love with you, so be it. They are allowed to do that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ah... I see

Guess that relieves the guilt a bit, thanks for that, in the end I wonder if I led MYSELF on as well too... guess have to keep it real


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> This is something that I've been pondering since seperation, I am wondering now, considering I've realised I've fallen out of love with my STBX, if I had actually led her on.
> 
> The problems that we had kept getting worse and better at the same time, through it all I tried to convince myself to love her, looking at the positives of her, trying to tell myself that I still loved her... and I thought I felt it then. But when D-day happened, I felt nothing but complete indifference.
> 
> ...


Sometimes we shut ourselves down and turn ourselves off as a form of protection from further pain. I believe people do this either consciously or subconsciously. Mine was a very conscious act. To prevent any further pain, for the very first time I decided to not love my wife anymore. I found that I could stop my loving actions (although I still struggle with that) but I can’t actually turn my love for her off. I have become indifferent to her situation. I too worry about that and wonder what it means about me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Sometimes we shut ourselves down and turn ourselves off as a form of protection from further pain. I believe people do this either consciously or subconsciously. Mine was a very conscious act. To prevent any further pain, for the very first time I decided to not love my wife anymore. I found that I could stop my loving actions (although I still struggle with that) but I can’t actually turn my love for her off. I have become indifferent to her situation. I too worry about that and wonder what it means about me.


Yes! The lockdown! It's strange though, I am aware, but wondering why my emotions still seem to be in lockdown towards her, yet I can feel other stuff, regret, guilt... You mentioned you couldn't turn your love for her off... maybe that's a bad sign for me, because it seems that I have. Or I think I have, I don't know anymore.

I no longer know what love is or what it's meant to feel like or if it's even real or if it was even real for the last 4-5 years. I just feel lost and confused at all of this.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I do think you led her on. I ALWAYS though you were leading her on. But I don't think it was intentional on your part. I think you truly tried to make it work and your brain was fighting that battle with your heart. The brain never wins that fight. Never.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I assume your wife is an adult with a functioning brain. She makes decisions for her life the same as you make them for your's. She is responsible for her own happiness or unhappiness. If there was a disconnect between your words and your actions, she either ignored it or she wasn't paying attention and missed it. That's on her. If she hadn't chosen poorly with you, she would have done so with someone else..maybe someone a lot worse.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> The problems that we had kept getting worse and better at the same time, through it all I tried to convince myself to love her, looking at the positives of her, trying to tell myself that I still loved her... and I thought I felt it then. But when D-day happened, I felt nothing but complete indifference.


Just because you feel numb at the moment doesn't mean you always will, it doesn't mean that sometime in the not so distant future that it catches up with you or hits you suddenly and you mourn the loss in your life. Just live each day, don't rehash the past and don't worry about tomorrow. 

Do you believe you lied? If not, stop worry about "leading her on". Start working on your life and coping with your life as it has become.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys, we just had a rather awkward talk yesterday when she came to drop off our daughter who's staying with me over the weekend. I got my hands full atm but I'll write an update thread on the situation when I have the time.


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