# Wife doesn't initiate. Should I care?



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

My wife very rarely initiates sex. It may happen once in maybe 40-50 times that we have sex. We do it maybe once a week, usually once every 2 weeks. 

Some years after we got married, I decided that I wanted her to initiate too, so I stopped. And there was no sex. But when we do have sex, she enjoys it. She basically wants me to start, maybe she is still shy and doesn't want to be seen as a "h0rny ****", even though we have been married for almost 15 years. Indian girls are that way many times.

In the early years, I would initiate every time and she would be receptive. In the middle years, she would shoot me down now and then saying she was tired or if she was mad at me. Lately, I just give her a back rub and get her warmed up and start feeling her up and get started and she lets me. Some weeks ago, I gave her an awesome back massage and didn't make any moves. I just rolled over and closed my eyes. When the lights were off, she made aggressive moves on me and totally had her way with me. And I enjoyed it thoroughly. 

So my question is, what do you guys do? Do you not care that your wife does not initiate (assuming this is the case) and make moves yourself?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you ever tried getting her aroused (no groping) but simply embracing her, giving her long kisses throughout the day, leaving her alone, and repeating the process throughout the day?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I find that laying next to my wife, getting naked and fussing that I am not in the mood while I have an erection tends to create the perfect setting for her to initiate. I'll tell her NOT to touch me and that my penis is only erect because I got a little too excited eating nachos and I'm trying to calm down. She will be like, "what???" I'll tell her that I have "nacho penis!" Then she will ask me to elaborate and I'll tell her that, "it's _not chyo_ penis woman!"

Then the situation is like, how dare I tell her something it not hers! >


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Here's a woman's point of view.

I was never much of an initiator of sex in my marriage, which lasted for 25 years. I would reach out for him in an affectionate way quite regularly - hug him, put my arm around him, take his hand, put my hand on his thigh when watching TV or a movie - but I guess he thought that was just affection and not animal lust. Apparently, the latter is what he wanted. He left me recently for a woman who does apparently initiate it quite readily (OK, she throws herself at him), because, he's come to tell me, he's felt unwanted by me for years. He didn't bother to mention these feelings to me until he already was in the affair. The truth is, he wasn't unwanted. I wish we would have talked about it some years ago, and either tried to work it out then, or gone our separate ways. If we'd talked about it, I might have mentioned to him that I wanted to feel like I mattered on a serious, emotional level - like what I said and did mattered. I would have mentioned that I wanted him to reach out for me and kiss me passionately because he just couldn't help himself. And then eventually, I would have felt secure in doing the same for him. Instead, he asked for sex and it was always a planned, orchestrated thing. Even so, I enjoyed it once we got started because I have no sexual inabilities or hang-ups. But that wasn't what he really wanted. And frankly, it's pretty much sucked for me, too.

Please talk to your wife about this. Sweeping it under the rug will just lead to endless heartache in the end.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

my $0.02, is to just initiate. Part of being the man.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You've found one scenario where she may initiate. Try that one occasionally, and look for more. Mostly, though, you're going to have to initiate if you want sex. That's just the way it is with some women.

My ex rarely if ever initiated, and rarely responded to me initiating. The latter is the main reason she's my ex! In this relationship, my wife initiates half of the time - or maybe more. And it's extremely rare that either of us ever turns the other down.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I like my wife to initiate too. But lately, I've had to be the one to initiate 100% of the time. She is almost always receptive, so I have no complaints.
But she used to quite often. She claims she's 'shy' about it. Afterwards she will say something like "I really wanted to jump you last night". so I tell her "you should have!"
But she's still too shy.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My wife claims she doesn't know how to initiate.


Ummmm...grab my junk and say "let's do it". I don't need a box of candy.


----------



## len51 (May 22, 2015)

In over 40 years I think my wife initiated sex a dozen times, if that. She enjoys sex a lot but feels that the guy should initiate it. I think it makes her feel desirable because I am asking for sex. If she asks she may think I am only doing it to accommodate her. In any event, it does not bother me. I do not think I ever had a girlfriend who initiated sex. That could be because I prefer non sexually aggressive women.

I would not worry. What we are doing now is scheduling sex nights that are mandatory. My wife has a busy social life because she is fully retired and I am still working 3-4 days a week. We were always too busy or too tired. Both of us would be waiting for the other to initiate sex so we went weeks without it until one of us asked the other what the problem was. Now we have at least two nights to be intimate. It may not be spontaneous but it assures us of reinforcing our intimacy and allows us most days to be spontaneous if we want to be.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nirvana,

I believe that everyone wants to feel desirable. Even folks who are not super fond of sex, want to feel desirable as long as their lack of interest doesn't create a lot of conflict. 

The most dysfunctional form of this is when a LD spouse teases and then rejects their HD partner. 

That said if I was starting over with someone this is what I'd tell them. Eventually one or the other of us will likely lose that spontaneous desire we feel now. That's the 'norm' and that's ok provided that the two of you both learn to work with the LD person's responsive desire. 

That's mainly a matter of the LD person relaxing and letting nature take its course. And the HD person not rushing things. 







nirvana said:


> My wife very rarely initiates sex. It may happen once in maybe 40-50 times that we have sex. We do it maybe once a week, usually once every 2 weeks.
> 
> Some years after we got married, I decided that I wanted her to initiate too, so I stopped. And there was no sex. But when we do have sex, she enjoys it. She basically wants me to start, maybe she is still shy and doesn't want to be seen as a "h0rny ****", even though we have been married for almost 15 years. Indian girls are that way many times.
> 
> ...


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Here's a woman's point of view.
> 
> I was never much of an initiator of sex in my marriage, which lasted for 25 years. I would reach out for him in an affectionate way quite regularly - hug him, put my arm around him, take his hand, put my hand on his thigh when watching TV or a movie - but I guess he thought that was just affection and not animal lust. Apparently, the latter is what he wanted. He left me recently for a woman who does apparently initiate it quite readily (OK, she throws herself at him), because, he's come to tell me, he's felt unwanted by me for years. He didn't bother to mention these feelings to me until he already was in the affair. The truth is, he wasn't unwanted. I wish we would have talked about it some years ago, and either tried to work it out then, or gone our separate ways. *If we'd talked about it, I might have mentioned to him that I wanted to feel like I mattered on a serious, emotional level - like what I said and did mattered. I would have mentioned that I wanted him to reach out for me and kiss me passionately because he just couldn't help himself. And then eventually, I would have felt secure in doing the same for him. * Instead, he asked for sex and it was always a planned, orchestrated thing. Even so, I enjoyed it once we got started because I have no sexual inabilities or hang-ups. But that wasn't what he really wanted. And frankly, it's pretty much sucked for me, too.
> 
> Please talk to your wife about this. Sweeping it under the rug will just lead to endless heartache in the end.



Nirvana, I've read enough of your posts to have a very strong suspicion that what was written and bolded above is something about which you have little grasp.

What is written and bolded above is what just about every woman wants. Most especially, what you wife says and does and thinks and feels matters to you. It matters to you if she is happy, not because it reflects poorly or well on you, but because you desire her happiness.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I've had my own issues with my wife not initiating. It can be hurtful, especially if your wife used to initiate but no longer does.

What I've found for myself is that what I was really missing wasn't so much that I wanted my wife to want me sexually (although that would be nice), but also that I wanted to feel needed in some way. How I normally felt that was through her initiating.

Does your wife do a decent job of making you feel needed and wanted non-sexually?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes you should care. A partner who expects you to service her while she begrudgingly looks at the ceiling is a big deal. A third of discussions here @Tam are about women who aren't interested in sex and another third are about how they imagine it's your problem to deal with.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> I've had my own issues with my wife not initiating. It can be hurtful, especially if your wife used to initiate but no longer does.
> 
> What I've found for myself is that what I was really missing wasn't so much that I wanted my wife to want me sexually (although that would be nice), but also that I wanted to feel needed in some way. How I normally felt that was through her initiating.
> 
> Does your wife do a decent job of making you feel needed and wanted non-sexually?


Well, not really. After kids, she has become all mommy. I feel that I am below the kids in priority though she refuses to acknowledge this to be the case. 

Indian women are generally not sexually aggressive and on the shy side. They will not generally talk to men on their own, guys have to approach them. Etc etc. 

So maybe its not a bad thing that she doesn't initiate? So I was wondering that maybe I should not take it as an affront and just play "man" every time and initiate myself. 

There is a high chance of sex if she is kept happy throughout the day. If there is some cause for a tiff, then forget it.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

If she's never been one to initiate, I wouldn't put a whole lot of expectations on her starting to now, especially after kids.

Have a sit-down talk with her and let her know that you feel de-prioritized non-sexually. Saying to her "we don't have enough sex" or "you never initiate sex" is not going to have the same impact on her as saying "I don't feel valued in this relationship". Be prepared for her to tell you the same thing, and be prepared to own your part in it. It's the only way to make headway.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tone is so very powerful. Mapped purely to words:

I feel closer to you when we do X,Y,Z a few times a week

Versus

I'm unhappy with you because we aren't doing X,Y,Z a few times a week

--------
The latter approach almost always elicits a response that is focused on the mechanics of life: I'm too busy, too tired, etc.

It's a standard defense mechanism when feeling criticized. 
---------

If you want to change a dynamic, steer the marriage in the direction that you want it to go. Focus on the spirit of the marriage and you'll find your spouse WANTS to do what you WANT them to do. 






Fozzy said:


> If she's never been one to initiate, I wouldn't put a whole lot of expectations on her starting to now, especially after kids.
> 
> Have a sit-down talk with her and let her know that you feel de-prioritized non-sexually. Saying to her "we don't have enough sex" or "you never initiate sex" is not going to have the same impact on her as saying "I don't feel valued in this relationship". Be prepared for her to tell you the same thing, and be prepared to own your part in it. It's the only way to make headway.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> If she's never been one to initiate, I wouldn't put a whole lot of expectations on her starting to now, especially after kids.
> 
> Have a sit-down talk with her and let her know that you feel de-prioritized non-sexually. Saying to her "we don't have enough sex" or "you never initiate sex" is not going to have the same impact on her as saying "I don't feel valued in this relationship". Be prepared for her to tell you the same thing, and be prepared to own your part in it. It's the only way to make headway.


The only kind of predictable time she initiates is after I have done something for her right then... like a nice back-rub and I am good at backrubs. And if it is a Friday or Saturday, she doesn't have to worry about work the next day, so she snuggles up, puts her feet on mine to signal that she is ready. Then she moves ahead with a kiss and more.  It has a hit rate of about 60%. The other time is when I make a move on her and she shoots me down. Then I retreat, but don't be an a-hole about it and turn away in anger or something. If I slowly withdraw while still displaying affection, then she feels bad at her reaction after about 10 mins and then something might happen. Lol whatever...


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Nirvana, I've read enough of your posts to have a very strong suspicion that what was written and bolded above is something about which you have little grasp.
> 
> What is written and bolded above is what just about every woman wants. Most especially, what you wife says and does and thinks and feels matters to you. It matters to you if she is happy, not because it reflects poorly or well on you, but because you desire her happiness.


I might have said this on a different thread, but she shuts off when I anger her over something or if I overreact. So my solution is to not try to fix her problems but just to listen to them and really listen. Men love to fix problems and engineers like me even more so. But I need to resist the temptation. Another thing is she likes to toot her horn about herself from time to time, especially about how good a mom she is and how everyone praises her for managing work + home + kids. I need to agree with her and make it evident that I do and even say that loudly and openly myself, not just when she brings it up. That seems to be her ego "thing" so feeding it will make her happy. Just like "good provider" is my ego "thing" (which she does not feed at all). 
Another thing she has is "I do so much work!". My reaction usually is "so what, I do so much work too" which is true but pisses her off. I need to improve how I react to it.
I need to start the positive cycle.

God, she looks so beautiful today. A nice top she bought last weekend which she wore to work. You can't tell that she is nearing her 40s.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> my $0.02, is to just initiate. Part of being the man.


I think you are right!!!
I just put my ego aside and initiate. She shoots me down and earlier I would take it badly and mope, but now I just gracefully withdraw and she feels bad about herself. Sometimes it leads to sex.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

nirvana said:


> The other time is when I make a move on her and she shoots me down. Then I retreat, but don't be an a-hole about it and turn away in anger or something. If I slowly withdraw while still displaying affection, then she feels bad at her reaction after about 10 mins and then something might happen. Lol whatever...


Funny, that's how it happens 100% of the time when I initiate. Which is why I no longer do...so we only have sex when she initiates, which is on a fairly regular basis I guess. Not satisfactory at all, but enough that I don't leave. Barely.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Funny, that's how it happens 100% of the time when I initiate. Which is why I no longer do...so we only have sex when she initiates, which is on a fairly regular basis I guess. Not satisfactory at all, but enough that I don't leave. Barely.


Yeah, that wouldn't work for me either. If she shot me down, and then came back and had sex out of guilt....nope.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Yeah, that wouldn't work for me either. If she shot me down, and then came back and had sex out of guilt....nope.


I am not strong enough to shoot her down. Are you?
More power to you if so!


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I think if it followed that pattern, I'd probably be like Workingonme. If I knew it was going to result in guilt sex, I'd probably just stop initiating altogether. I don't need that on my conscience.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is a highly assymetric situation.

Rejecting your wife for sex is comparable to telling her she is getting fat. 

I have never rejected M2 when I knew she wanted to. I sometimes decline when I know she is only offering out of kindness. But that's completely different and we both know what's happening. 

Once - yes I have a clear memory of it - I misread her. She WAS initiating for real, I thought she was just being kind. But I figured it out in time to salvage the situation. 

And I sincerely apologized for that the next day - said it truly was a misunderstanding. 

Rejecting your wife is not a show of strength, it's an act of cruelty. 





nirvana said:


> I am not strong enough to shoot her down. Are you?
> More power to you if so!


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

@MEM11363

Mem, do you similarly feel it's an act of cruelty when a wife rejects her husband's advance?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

nirvana said:


> I am not strong enough to shoot her down. Are you?
> More power to you if so!


After years of very consistent rejection, I completely stopped initiating and turned her down the few times she ever did express interest. It was far easier to have NO sex, than have hope that never amounted to anything.

Of course, that was the beginning of the end, and I divorced her not long afterwards. Good decision!


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fozzy,

In some cases, the LD spouses rejection is an act of cruelty. 

Clearly there are a lot of marriages with a 'dysfunctional initiation dynamic'. 

And that is really painful. Maybe in many cases it is also painful for the LD spouse if when rejecting they feel guilty or inadequate. Or when they are sincerely trying and then feel that it still isn't enough, they feel defeated. 

There's a big difference between 'I don't want to tonight, can we connect tomorrow'? And a straight - NO. 

For example, there's a simple metric for dysfunction. What percentages of initiation result in rejection. I read about folks who describe years of a 90% or higher reject rate. That's very dysfunctional IMO. Mutually so. 

In those cases you have some deep rooted dishonesty at work. E LD spouse saying they 'can't' initiate. The HD spouse accepting that at face value. 

Occasional rejection is normal, it's healthy. You don't want a partner doing THAT if they truly don't want to. But very high rejection rates are generally harmful. 











Fozzy said:


> @MEM11363
> 
> Mem, do you similarly feel it's an act of cruelty when a wife rejects her husband's advance?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just for clarity.

If your partner initiates and physically you want them - but reject to punish them or teach them a lesson or as a power play - that's cruel. 

If you decline because you really don't want to - and do it tactfully - that's not cruel. Obviously this gets more complicated when you are only ok with once a week and they are imitating daily. 





Fozzy said:


> @MEM11363
> 
> Mem, do you similarly feel it's an act of cruelty when a wife rejects her husband's advance?


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

My wife rejects when she is tired or its late or its a working day the next day. I am up for sex at 4am if need be,rain or shine. 
She spends so much time with the kids each night that the window is small.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

nirvana said:


> My wife rejects when she is tired or its late or its a working day the next day. I am up for sex at 4am if need be,rain or shine.
> She spends so much time with the kids each night that the window is small.


this is the bigger issue. Your W is putting your kids ahead of your M, that is not healthy.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, naive... that is the case, but I think there is a cultural aspect to it as well (my wife and I are both Indian). Traditionally, wives have been child rearers and home keepers. The Indian community is undergoing changes but we still remember how our parents behaved and sub-conciously copy that. My wife is a very good mom. I only wish she put that much thought into being my wife as well in a romantic sense. She cooks for me, she many times irons my office clothes, and does so many things around the house. But I feel the need for some more romance/love in my life. She does do it, but I feel that I need more. Maybe I am at fault, I have been prickly at times and sometimes go "looking for trouble" and ruin a nice day. 

These days I take great care to keep her in good spirits. I can tell she is when she calls me with a special name rather than my official first name or just use nothing at all. Another thing I do is I don't contest anything she says because she takes it the wrong way. I let her decide for herself, that way she cannot blame me for being controlling. There's this race nearby she wanted us all to do. It is $50 per person, so $200 for all of us. She asked me, I said I am okay, but she can decide. I think it is too expensive but if I say no, then she will complain about it forever. So I let her decide and said I am okay either way. She's decided it was too expensive herself. Now she feels empowered and I don't face flak. She is happier, and so am I. When a woman is happy, higher chance she feels like sex


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

nirvana said:


> Well, naive... that is the case, but I think there is a cultural aspect to it as well (my wife and I are both Indian). *Traditionally, wives have been child rearers and home keepers. The Indian community is undergoing changes but we still remember how our parents behaved and sub-conciously copy that.* My wife is a very good mom. I only wish she put that much thought into being my wife as well in a romantic sense. She cooks for me, she many times irons my office clothes, and does so many things around the house. But I feel the need for some more romance/love in my life. She does do it, but I feel that I need more. Maybe I am at fault, I have been prickly at times and sometimes go "looking for trouble" and ruin a nice day.
> 
> These days I take great care to keep her in good spirits. I can tell she is when she calls me with a special name rather than my official first name or just use nothing at all. Another thing I do is I don't contest anything she says because she takes it the wrong way. I let her decide for herself, that way she cannot blame me for being controlling. There's this race nearby she wanted us all to do. It is $50 per person, so $200 for all of us. She asked me, I said I am okay, but she can decide. I think it is too expensive but if I say no, then she will complain about it forever. So I let her decide and said I am okay either way. She's decided it was too expensive herself. Now she feels empowered and I don't face flak. She is happier, and so am I. When a woman is happy, higher chance she feels like sex


Whether conscious of it or not, it is extremely difficult for a Mom to turn off Mom Mode and I think a lot of fathers misunderstand that. It is not so much that she is putting the children ahead of the marriage, it is driven by the fact that she cannot turn off Mom Mode.

Men compartmentalize easily, generally. Women do not, generally. I am always a Mom but I am not always a horny wife. It took a while for me to be able to synthesize Mom with horny wife. 

If your wife has trouble with this, your best bet is to take weekends away from home. Whether you camp for the weekend or shack up in a hotel and order room service, if your wife can't let go of Mom Mode, she needs to get out of the house and away from the kids.

My husband and I started doing this 4 years ago. It took 2-3 different weekend before I was able to fully leave Mom mode behind and focus on wife/horny wife mode.

Nirvanna, I really liked your post because it showed a great understanding of your wife and her needs and feelings.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

In hindsight I realize how lucky I was. M2 found her off switch and flipped it most nights - for me. 

That was not an easy thing for her to do - but she learned how to do it. 




Anon Pink said:


> Whether conscious of it or not, it is extremely difficult for a Mom to turn off Mom Mode and I think a lot of fathers misunderstand that. It is not so much that she is putting the children ahead of the marriage, it is driven by the fact that she cannot turn off Mom Mode.
> 
> Men compartmentalize easily, generally. Women do not, generally. I am always a Mom but I am not always a horny wife. It took a while for me to be able to synthesize Mom with horny wife.
> 
> ...


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

True...
Yesterday, she came to bed in her T shirt and it was warm so she was complaining about the heat. I asked her to take her shirt off.  She was wearing a bra underneath. She said no, she is not used to it. So I said you don't have to worry, some change is good. Then she says what if the kids come in? I said they won't and in any case I can lock the door if she wants to. I even told her I won't touch her but no. That's okay... I am working on it. She needs to loosen up a bit. It's not like I am some strange guy in the house. Its Friday night so I'll take a second crack at it. The goal is to get her to take her top off and come cuddle and I give her a nice massage and some love. She needs to feel less sub-conscious and less guilty. Sex does not need to happen today (unless she jumps me!)


----------



## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

I think this is most likely the number one killer of relationships or the seed which leads to other issues.

My wife told me once she read in a women's magazine that it's perfectly normal for one person to initiate sex, so she took this as there was no need to do so since I would do it. Wrong! both should show equal interest in the relationship or at least try.

The problem is men can't handle the rejection, the reason is we are asking for intimacy, sex is the way we express it. Women need to be aware of this and if they are not in the mood when asked then choose your words wisely while expressing some affection.


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

My husband is an amazing husband. He initiate sex 15% though he is sexy and interested. I know he just likes me to....end of story. I love sex.....I initiate. We are good as long as he is interested. Just a style difference. I am loved and valued, but he isn't a great initiator. We've had twenty years of fantastic everyday sex. Im not complaining and I'm the girl!


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

If you guys want to change this...stop acting like sex is dirty if a girl does it! Stop calling girls who do a **** and stop letting religion say they are *****s! This is the problem.

P.S are there children on this site? If not, why can't we use WORDS that aren't bleeped out? If this is a religious site, can you recommend something else less fantastical!


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

nirvana said:


> I am not strong enough to shoot her down. Are you?
> More power to you if so!


What I've found over the last year or so (same situation you're in, by the way) is that my rejection of my wife really pisses her off.

I once (and once only) rejected her advances (which were really not advances to most people) purposefully, and no, it wasn't difficult.

Basically, her idea of initiating sex with me is very similar to your wife - back rubs, etc. I have to get her in the mood, first, then she "takes over". To her, this IS her initiating. Which, really, it isn't, is it? 

In any case, the one time I rejected her, I heard about it the next day. It really bothered her. I rejected her in the same way she'll reject me, I wasn't rude or spiteful or flippant or anything. I was definitely in the mood, physically, but the mental side just wasn't "on" - so I said no.

This, apparently, really hurt her feelings. I gently informed her that this is how I feel every time she rejects me. She said "Oh". She genuinely didn't understand what it was like to be rejected, as I guess she literally never had been before. Crazy.

Since then, I haven't chased her any more. She still won't come to me, but our sex life really hasn't changed, ironically enough. It's still 3 or 4 times a month and it's still good when it happens. But I no longer show her all that much interest, sexually.

Is it enough for me? No. But it is what it is. Our marriage is good otherwise.

But when it comes to sex, she's learned what rejection feels like, she now knows that I have no expectations of her and that I don't follow her around like a horny puppy dog.

But it's in the back of my mind that this may backfire horribly on me at some point. She may wake up one day, 5 years from now, and wonder where my sexual passion for her has gone. As it's obviously been something she's taken for granted her entire sexually active life (ie. others have always come to her), she may very well miss that in the future. It's at that hypothetical point in time where we'll make it or break it. If I continue down this road of not making a big deal out of it, she may lose any or all passion for me entirely, and that'll be that. But if I go back to my un-ending chase of her, then I end up in the never-ending cycle myself.

*ETA - I'm not acting out of spite, I feel it's important to mention. The reality is that it does me no good to continually chase something that will just end up frustrating me in the end. The fact that, over the years, it was entirely me doing the chasing, showing interest sexually, initiating, etc. gets old. It didn't matter what the success rate was, it's tiresome.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Good post, alexm.
Generally whenever we have sex it is on a weekend night as other nights are busy and we have to wake up early in the morning. We last did it 2 weeks ago and last weekend was her monthly thing so we skipped. Yesterday I initiated (kind of) and it was almost funny to see her close her eyes, body get rigid and stiff and the meaning of this all was "leave me alone". Then she says "Yes, I am an object to you" because I was kissing her neck. Whatever. After a few minutes, I went back to my side and began to watch TV. So she puts her hand on my chest but goes no further. Then she says "oh you are angry now". I did not respond. Then she goes to sleep. Every morning I usually hug her good morning and today I did not. 

I feel taken advantage of overall. My wife seems to have some intimacy issues. So from now onwards, I will just do what I want to do, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing. No compliments on her cooking, her figure, her clothes. I will show disinterest just like she shows disinterest in what matters to me. I have seen that if I don't praise her cooking, she asks how the food is. I will say "good" and stop there. 

She loves to tell me how lucky I am to have her as my wife and of course NEVER tells me that she is lucky to have me as her husband. Very narcisstic. Actually her whole family is that way, right from her father who loves to take credit for work he didn't do. Sometimes my wife puts on a nice dress and says "see how do I look?". When I rave about it she goes "see how lucky you are... imagine if you had married a fat woman". I am here thinking what is the use of marrying a hot woman when you can barely kiss or have sex or even have some deeper conversation with her? It's like someone making a juicy steak and putting it in front of you but you are not allowed to take a bite. I'd rather there be oatmeal (a fat woman) in front of me, I won't feel tempted. I actually told her that one time. I have an iPad and I love to read so that will be good enough. Its just a matter of expectations.

Like you say, it may backfire. But it is no better now and I feel like a dog being tempted all the time. Women love to play this game. She is one of those women who have been spoiled by years of being a SAHM (while I went to work) and thinks that it was all to her credit and none of mine for making it possible.

I should stop caring.


----------

