# devastated....alone....scared....



## CCNew (Feb 25, 2012)

my husband and i are newly married (1.5 yrs) and were together for two and a half before that. (We are in our thirties, and both of us are attractive people, who work full time in the professions.)
after only 6 months, my daughter and i joined him in his new job territory across the country. 
we ended up moving again... even further across the country to where he is originally from. we've been here two years now. 
It took me that long to finally start to adjust to this new life, with new people. I desperately miss my family and friends from back home, and my parents have had a few health issues making it even harder. 
my daughter loves my husband, and she is now 13, and calls him dad. they have a great relationship.
over the past few years i really struggled with depression: i felt isolated, alone, scared, and lonely. at first my husband was loving, and kind. i admit i turned him down a few times for sex because i was so depressed. he started to pull away farther and farther from me, and over time, any gestures of love, affection and attention dwindled down to nothing. he would try to get me to come out to do things he enjoyed - but i don't like 'drinking in the garage with the boys' or alternately, heading to hang out with the 'women' in the kitchen. women that were ten years younger than me btw. 
our first new years eve, (6 months after our arrival here) he left me at home to go party with his friends. i was deeply hurt by this, but my personality is to not want to hold him back, or really say anything. I encouraged him to go out and have fun, and not let me keep him from living life. I am not a martyr er either, and i didn't do it to be manipulative, sad and whine-y, i honestly just knew i wasn't feeling well, and didn't really know how to get better - or make myself 'go out' all the time. 
many times he has went off on snowmobile trips, or down to his parents cabin with his brothers, or off to Wednesday night garage night etc. 
Rather than trying to figure out a few things I would like to do, or asking me what i would like to do, he continued to live in his own world and just do what he wanted to do. 
last October i started to feel more adjusted, after much work on myself (counselling, seeing my doctor - found out i had a thyroid problem which can cause depression, lethargy, etc.- talking to support systems, getting out more, making more friends...)
In December, when i broached the subject of our deteriorating marriage (which i had tried to do in the past, but he refused to talk or communicate about what was going on) he as usual tried to deflect, ignore - and after him rolling his eyes, and sighing and finally sitting down... i poured out everything. 
He told me he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. He mentioned we should separate. He mentioned the D word. He was not happy. He didn't know what to do, but didn't want to feel this way. 
I was devastated. I thought that he had held strong with me, through the depression ( I am a full time working professional btw, and my daughter has very demanding dance that is very time consuming, and i do volunteer work etc. His job is full time and requires a lot of travelling during the week). I thought that when I did all this work, he would be happy that i was more like my normal old self and that the romance could be rekindled. 
Near Christmas - all of this went down. 
I called my parents, and my mom told his parents. People got involved. The moment i was to walk out the door, he stopped me and agreed to try to work things out. He said, lets try counselling. 
We went to 2 sessions. The counselor didn't get to know us very well (we are agreeable seeming people, all friendly right?) and I think because we are not violent, don't have addictions problems (well my husband does drink a bit too much), etc. that we didn't really have much wrong, compared to the other clientele. Apparently, we had nothing to worry about, and he suggested we rekindle the romance - enjoy one another again. Well, not two weeks went by (with minimal effort from him) when he was offered an opportunity within the same company to work back where I am originally from. I guess in my excitement, some of the marital problems seem to fade and not seem so insurmountable anymore. I tried to initiate romance, and invited him out several times with friends, and tried to be 'lighter and more carefree'. He rejected me when i tried to kiss him, rejected me when i tried to get intimate with him, and the one time we did get intimate (after i pushed it) he told me, while i was pleasuring him and delaying it a bit to "hurry it up already".
Devastated, I thought, well maybe i need to go slower... I need to take more time? 
Before he left, he went on a previously scheduled snowmobile trip.... he left on valentines day (he did get me flowers).... and went on a 5 day trip... and then drove the rest of the way across the country.
Now he is there, and I am here because I want my daughter to finish out her school year and then we are suppose to move. 
I recently have been feeling under a tremendous amount of stress... and it along with anxiety has been building and building... until i couldn't take it any longer. all this stuff came to the surface. 
i called him and said, "why haven't we had sex?"
"I don't want to talk about this right now"
"well, I do. No time is a good time.... so answer me please"
"I don't know"
"Do I repulse you?"
"no"
"Do you love me"
"yes"
"well, either one of three things: you have some deep rooted psych. issues/physical issues, you are gay, or you are having an affair. Are you having an affair?"
"no" (i have asked him this before and there is no evidence and has sworn he has not cheated, and is not - physical or emotional)
"are you gay"
"I don't think so" (sarcastic like. I really know he's not.)
"well, what's going on?"
"I don't know, I am really under a lot of pressure, and am stressed out. I am just not happy"
"well, i know it's been hard" I said. "remember back when we first met? we had to go through long distance for a while, and you used to text me and call.... maybe we can rebuild some of that right now, and take our time. Do you want to try?"
"I don't know"

So.... the conversation wanes with more wishy washy talk on his side. He is not happy, and he doesn't want to be unhappy anymore. He doesn't know if he will like it out there or not. 
I tell him that, I can't do this anymore. Either you want a marriage to work, or you don't. There is no grey area. Really. 
So, I say, this is it. We are officially separated, and if he wants to meet someone else, then go ahead. We will sort out the finances in the most amicable way possible. I will go ahead as planned, and move in June. 


Even though we don't have these crisis issues like violence, addictions, etc. We have a sexless marriage. Since we've been married we have had sex like 5 times, and nothing in the last seven months. He is like a ghost, he hasn't been around due to his work - and i am left alone, rejected, and feeling like everything i have done, and everything i am, is ****. My self esteem is sooooo low, even though everyone tells me I am pretty, smart, funny/goofy, and loving - I feel so low and even lower when i think about how he just doesn't love me and that I am not good enough. 

I am doing the only thing I can, right? 

I am so scared that I am going to lose it, that i won't be able to handle the next few months. I am so greatly fearful of going through more emotional trauma, like i did at Christmas time. 
My friends and family tell me that this is abuse- I am being emotionally abused, and neglected... rejected... and that his actions have caused much of how I am feeling. I did try to analyze the why of him before, and now, I just don't know. 
I know that all i can do is focus on me, and making myself a better person and learn from this. I am so damn scared, and so damn alone here. 
To me, Marriage is for life- and I didn't ever forsee myself going down this path. I never thought I would be a divorcee. 
How on earth does anyone make it through this - when the rest of the world trivializes divorce and makes it seem so commonplace. 
How can I go back home, and not hang my head when I tell people I was only married for a short time. 
I feel like I don't know how to have a relationship, how to hang onto love, and I feel unloveable. 
When does it get better?


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