# Help please!!!



## hubby32 (May 7, 2009)

I have been with my wife in total now for for nearly 13 years and married for 6 of those years. There is no question in my mind that she is the one for me and that is why I married her. Till this day my feelings for her are just like we met. Here is my problem. I am very attracted to my wife and if it were up to me I would like to have sex every day. But I am reasonable, we both have full time jobs and are you of the house for more than 13 hours a day. By the time we get home, dinner has to be cooked my 3 year old daughter has to be fed, homework, and put to bed by 9pm. After that is complete, my wife wants her "me" time which consists of facebook, and being on the phonw with friends. In total, I would say that we have sex once a week. I think that 3 times per week is reasonable. I have mentioned this to her on several occasions but it just doesn't improve the situation. Another thing that doesn't help is that my daughter and her are attached at the hip so i can't ven get alone time with her. They even sleep together and I end up sleeping on the couch. What am I to do?


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I think I would sit down with her and ask a few questions.
1. Is she happy with the marriage and also the amount of intimacy?

2. Does she care if you are happy sexualy since you have commited to her that you will always remain faithful to her?

3. Tell her your not happy with the intimacy your sharing with her and you would like to have more time alone with her.

4. Ask if she can think of ways to improve time alone with each other? See if you can make the ways come from her.

5. Ask her to watch the movie Fireproof with you. See what her reaction is.

6.Ask if she would be willing to make changes if it increase that happiness of your marriage?


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## hubby32 (May 7, 2009)

Thanks, I will try all of these and let you know if anything improves


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## hubby32 (May 7, 2009)

This morning I told her that I was unhappy with our situation. She said that she never knew that I was unhappy. I told her that I have been sharing this with you for years now. She then said "Why stay in a plave where you are unhappy?" I just responded "I don't know." She walked away from me and at the current moment she isn't speaking to me.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

> She then said "Why stay in a plave where you are unhappy?" I just responded "I don't know." She walked away from me and at the current moment she isn't speaking to me.


hubby32. I feel for you. Why, oh why do people react like that?
It's just emotional bullying. Instead of addressing the situation, and trying to do anything about it, they just act like the cause of your distress is a given - unchangeable - and then go about their business.
It's no way to run a relationship, IMO.

Anyhow, in your situation, it's early days. This could just be a shock reaction "in the moment", and in time she may come round and decide to discuss it further, and maybe even deem to look for a solution.

I think you've done the right thing trying to talk about it. Now wait to see if she responds. Good luck.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Wow something is not right there. My responce would be this...

I was kind of taken back by your responce and not sure what it meant. It sounded to me like you are not happy with our relationship and questioning if you wanted to stay where you not happy. Do you want to work at making each other happy or are you telling me you would rather part ways? Tell her your all for working toward a happy marriage.

Are you sure there is not an EA happening some place with her. Her responce makes it sound like she already has a rock picked out to jump too if things dont get better with you. :scratchhead:


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## hubby32 (May 7, 2009)

So my wife waits until she gets to work to continue the conversation see below

her: sorry

me: for what?

her: for the news u gave me this AM honestly didn't know

me: ? I have been telling you this for years

her: it oks...you can leave me
I will deal with it mks no sense to be like that u only have 1 life

me: that's true

her: funny...U are the one talking about 6 years and still going strong and u so in love thanks for lying

me: forget it it's not worth it you yourself from time to time have even agreed that you can do more on your part

her: the only I need to do is have sex more...But I am a hell of a woman...no one is going to tell me different
but I am tried from long days out the house just like u
so I agreed to you getting it elsewhere ..There nothing more I can do...I can't kill myself
so if you think I am lacking a wife...leave me
I know I am damn good woman

me: ok

her: If sex mks ur whole relationship...then it should be easy for u to find someone else
sorry I brought too much to the table

me: fine. I just wanted to know in my heart that I have mentioned it to you

me: and to make sure it's no surprise to you

her: glad I know how u prioritize things in ur life

me: I am not going to feel bad or apologize about how I feel
I am a damn good man as well

her: now I know what holds more weight to u

me: you know this makes no sense I try and try and try
why? because I am a good man

her: so...what the hell is the conversation for..I told u to go elswhere and have sex and do what u want. 

me: ok,just forget every thing and have a nice day

her: I notice u go thru these fits when u are in heat. My damn Back hurts, I have cramps...I feel sick and I am have to get up and go to work...Come home Clean, cook, and take care of a family...Find time for myself (don't know how) and u want to complain
You have a nice day
I am starting to believe there is no sense in being a good girl...I get nothing for it

me: DROP IT
this is the last time I want to talk about this
I just go around in circles

her: cool


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ah yes, good old deflection. It's _your_ fault that you aren't considering her needs. And of course that you are shallow for framing your marriage around sex. 

You can engage her about trying to reconnect - but sounds like she's entrenched and defensive.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Ah yes, good old deflection. It's _your_ fault that you aren't considering her needs. And of course that you are shallow for framing your marriage around sex.
> 
> You can engage her about trying to reconnect - but sounds like she's entrenched and defensive.


Yep. Sounds exactly like the conversation I was having with my other half just when the OP posted that conversation.
Same old, same old. Deflective, argumentative, fatalistic (It isn't to be considered that I'll actually _address_ the issues you're bringing up, they are are immutable).

Sometimes, it's very frustrating that they think we're not seeing that that's exactly what they're doing.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sorry, if that was a response i got from my wife i would hit the bricks. i am in a similar situation but i havent recieved a cold response like that


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Hubby,

In my book this is a huge betrayal of your marriage. In refusing to acknowledge, much less address, your concerns she is basiclly saying "its my way or the highway" "if you don't like it I will make your life even more misserable". It comes across as if she sees you as an appliance in her life. You play a specified role but don't get out of line or she will beat you with an emotional whip. I also have one just like her.........


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## hubby32 (May 7, 2009)

Well, since the discussion, the topic has been avoided all together. She has got her period and I am thinking about not even mentioning it any more since she feels it's my only priority


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## Zev Love (May 11, 2009)

Since she has given you the go ahead to look for sex outside I reckon you should proceed to do so...preferrably find another equally miserable working woman of discretion or a single but self sustaining woman...if all else fails...consider getting a young lady whom you could set up in a small apartment (love nest) which would be your home away from home!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Zev,

Just what century ARE you living in? Mistresses went out for all but the elite in the 19th century.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hubby,

I have the same problem but in reverse. I want sex, my SO says sex once a year or so is fine. He also says if I want sex I should go out and get it. 

Try again and this week is PERFECT. For one, unless you regularly have sex during her period she will know you aren't out for sex 'tonight'.

Hmm. How to start this... How about:

Honey, I'd like to talk. Is now a good time or at X? Make ex a few hours from now. Tell her first that you love her and want to work things out. Wait for a response. Any response. Use pauses between your sentences. This will all change the dynamic of the conversation. 

Tell her again that you are unhappy with your situation. Tell her that you heard her when she said she didn't know you were unhappy. She may be feeling picked on or guilty. Something Like this:

Honey, I'd like to talk. Is now a good time or is 9pm better for you?

A. If She says 'neither' or something like that, say 'ok sweetie. just remember I tried. If you change your mind we still have a few days before I need to make some decisions. I hope I can make them with you, to bring us back together. But that's your choice.' Then walk away. Keep your tone light and sweet and loving and a little sad. If she throws a fit at this point (some spouses will) just tell her you love her too much to argue with her. Walk away, take a drive etc. If she later comes to you, even in anger and wants to talk, go ahead and talk! She may feel she 'needs' to get angry to get her side heard. 

Take the good information "i'm tired, i'm on my period, I feel undervalued - IE I'm a good woman - nobody says that to their spouse unless they feel their spouse thinks otherwise 

"U are the one talking about 6 years and still going strong and u so in love thanks for lying"

Ah, she doesn't believe you still love her or are in love with her. Tell her you are (or want to be) and you miss that place too. Can we work on it together before we both fall so far apart we can't find each other anymore?

"I am starting to believe there is no sense in being a good girl"

Hmmm... what does she mean by that? She sounds sooo ripe for an affair. 

Sit down with her and go over your schedules. What time do you both get home? what needs to be done when you get there? what can you help with? 

Set some rules. You and your wife are the only two allowed in your bed. No exceptions. I have seven kids including a 1 yr old and I would NEVER get any time with my SO if I didn't put my foot down. 

Evening time you split (for now) M W F You two get time in the evenings for both of you to do something together. T TH she gets 'me' time. Weekends you can negotiate on. 

M W F you two do something special. Play a game, talk, snuggle, have sex, do the Marriage Fitness program, read a self help book TOGETHER. Rules are

1. No kids
2. Nothing where you are looking in the same direction (no movies)

Anything else is ok. 

Try that and see what happens. Seems to me she is feeling overwhelmed, unloved and unconnected. She wants sex too, you can tell by her responses. 

See what happens and get back to us 

Good luck!


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## dorado23 (May 11, 2009)

You have to be careful in this situation because if you seem to pushy then it might make her want it less. Try to do little things to make her feel good. Cook for her or buy her flowers so that there is a reward. As for your daughter you should put her to bed in ur room and as soon as she falls asleep carry her to her room and get in ur room w ur room and lock the door  If this doesnt help then talk to her and express ur feelings, ask her what she dislikes and likes and try to make her feel like she is special which she should be but if you only bug her for sex then she might think thats all u want her for.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

dorado23 said:


> You have to be careful in this situation because if you seem to pushy then it might make her want it less. Try to do little things to make her feel good. Cook for her or buy her flowers so that there is a reward. As for your daughter you should put her to bed in ur room and as soon as she falls asleep carry her to her room and get in ur room w ur room and lock the door  If this doesnt help then talk to her and express ur feelings, ask her what she dislikes and likes and try to make her feel like she is special which she should be but if you only bug her for sex then she might think thats all u want her for.


Well ... the reality is that can become the case. The moment you even try a positive approach, the SO automatically assumes you are only being nice to get laid. At the point where an SO is more interested in maintaining control rather than connecting (sexual or otherwise), you are now in an untenable position. Only bad things can happen once this becomes how a couple operates.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Did you ever think to ask her if SHE wanted to part ways? She is giving you the ok too, but what does SHE feel about it. This might give you an insight to what she is thinking, but not telling you.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Well ... the reality is that can become the case. The moment you even try a positive approach, the SO automatically assumes you are only being nice to get laid. At the point where an SO is more interested in maintaining control rather than connecting (sexual or otherwise), you are now in an untenable position. Only bad things can happen once this becomes how a couple operates.


This is the cycle my wife and I are in. My wife is exactly like hubby's wife.

How does on break thru? break the cycle?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hubby32-

I read that little online exchange you had with your wife. Of course we don't know the whole context and background, but what comes across is that she does not value or respect you. You are chasing her more than she is chasing you. 

So there are two issues here. 

1) Why doesn't she respect and desire you?
2) Why do you keep chasing her when she constantly rejects you.

Her mock-threatening to kill her self if she is not good enough for you is just passive aggressive blackmail. I suspect you are just too nice a guy for her.

The trouble is, when nice guys get turned down, they try to compensate by being nicer. That just makes it worse, because it's the niceness that's turns them off in the first place.


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