# HELP! Separation + Seeing Other People?



## Scared_Wife (May 17, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for about 2.5 years, We are 23 yrs old, dated for 3 yrs & lived together before marriage. We work together like a well oiled machine - we own 2 cars, 2 motorcycles, and now 2 houses (one's a rental prop) and we did it all on our own. *Had ups and downs but we've been good at talking / working things out.*

*Then intimacy dropped. I was never in the mood *and I know it really put a lot of stress on our relationship. Then a couple (who are our best friends) started having serious issues (some violence and possibly rape) and my husband was helping them long before I knew anything happened. *Over the past 4 months he has been helping them and I think the stress and anger in him from that made him more distant*.

*Few weeks ago he told me that he wasn't sure if he was "in love" with me anymore and he wanted to "pretend we're roommates" *(no relationship obligations: hugging kissing I Love You, etc.) He was feeling like he didn't even want to attempt to fix our situation and hoping the distance would help him want to work things out. *Did that for 3 weeks.*

We had a good long talk last night and *he is still not feeling "in love" with me.*  He says he does love me and when he thinks about divorce it sounds so awful, but when he thinks about staying married he can't stand that idea either. *He's also confused about his feelings toward our abused friend who is now going through a trial separation. I'm so devastated and scared that my marriage is over.* I am still in love and I don't want us to split.

*We are going to try a trial separation because we're so young and never knew what its like to be single * and so that we can find out what we want from life & for him to sort out his feelings towards me and towards our friend. We have not made a solid plan yet, but I think I want to temp move out so he can feel the results. 

*He thinks that we should see other people and he wants to try dating our friend to see if there is a spark there. He is afraid if he doesn't try it that his entire life he will regret / wonder what could have been if he had just left me and tried what he wanted.* He is being very civil and trying his hardest to comfort me. He has told me he still loves and cares about me but that he's not sure how he feels is marriage-worthy. We've always been very honest with each other and have no secrets. I trust him so *please don't tell me he's cheating - I know he's not.* 

*I am afraid that in the excitement with this woman that he will forget about me and the magical love we used to have.* He says that his goal is to see if he is still in love with me and that the new fling won't affect his judgement. I'm afraid that us seeing other people isn't a good idea, but also *we never experienced dating in our adult lives and maybe we aren't meant to be together*  :scratchhead: it's hard for me to imagine because I'm still in love and feel like there's no one else better for me. But I could be wrong too...maybe I will meet prince charming? I mean I'll admit I always wondered what it would have been like to date so-and-so. Was never something to think twice about, but now maybe??  

*After 3 months of this we are planning on seeing a marriage counselor* and working on it from there whether we try more separation, get back together, or divorce 

*Im just so scared and I want advice from others. Do you think dating / seeing other people is a good idea? bad idea? neutral? Any other suggestions?*


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

For sure go see a marriage counselor. And yes he is already having an affair with the "friend"; it's an emotional one. That is not fair to you. Dating others while you are married is not going to work since you will more than likely carry some resentment with you from now on. You are young and have no children from what I gather from your post. You are dead on about his next relationship getting stale after 4 years, it probably will because he doesn't know what he is looking for. I hope and wish you the best with marriage counseling - hopefully that will really stir him up to realize what he has. If it doesn't, move on - you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Obviously you love him, but if it does not go both ways, it won't work - and you can not force him; you will both be unhappy. I know it will hurt you greatly if you had to break up your marriage but if it's going to happen, better now than when you have children. Right now it probably looks daunting to you and scary to take that step if you have to but it would be best for you since you are young. You don't want to get 10, 15, 20 years out in a loveless marriage. It happened to me and if not for my children (they are the best thing that ever happened to me) I wish I had those years of my youth back. I am so sorry you are in this situation and I do feel for you, it's terrible. It probably doesn't help for me tell you this but there are folks on here in worse situation than you - they are going through the same but with children - that has to be so hard. Your marriage does not have to be total loss, you can learn from this experience and become a better and wiser person because of it if it does not work out. I wish you the best.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He already knows who he wants to Datetell him hell no. If he wants an affair he can do it after you divorce.

No separation. Insist on MC and no contact with ow. She's the problem here. She's also got a lot of problems. Your hub was helping himself to someone elses woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scared_Wife (May 17, 2011)

Thanks for thoughts, keep them coming.

I don't want to be overbearing and tell him how to live his life. It will make him resent me on top of his confusion. Plus this woman is one of my best friends. She didn't even know he had feelings for her until I told her. She is confused and thinks she has feelings for him too. She is okay with not dating him, but again I am just confused whether or not this is okay.

Like I said neither of us experienced other people before we got married. A mistake I see now, but don't know if it's too late. Maybe we are meant to be together, maybe not. If we are, then it will work out? If I try to make him patch things up now he will be unwilling and it might work anyway...but then he will regret not seeing what else was out there his whole life.

I don't want him to regret his decision for the rest of our marriage. I want him to be happy. I want me to be happy. I'm not sure how to accomplish this.

Marriage counseling now? soon? After 3 month separation?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yes MC now. He should have thought about that before he married you. And your "friend"? She's not your friend - no friend gets in the middle of their friends marriage. Your situation is weird to me; it appears that you are willing to risk your self esteem just to hold on to someone who really does not respect you. You are his wife - I don't see anything right with this. I am sure you will get some more feed back from others.

BTW, MC is important. Also, if there is hope you should plan out how you both will continue to be affectionate to each other, date nights to see if you can get that magic back but for sure no more OW. He has to cut that off now.


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## Scared_Wife (May 17, 2011)

She didn't realize she was getting in the middle nor was she trying - she really loves her husband despite his violence. I asked my husband if he had feelings for her he said he didn't know. I told her I was scared that my husband had feelings for her. She was surprised and taken aback and asked me what she should do. I didn't know. The next day my hub said he thought about it and thinks he does have feelings for her and is confused. 

Yes, I know this is a weird situation.

My thing is, what if we aren't meant to be together? This separation will prove that. What if we are? Then we will make it through. But I still am not sure about the seeing other people. Thanks for your thoughts. I really do appreciate it even if it seems like I'm just arguing or standing up for him.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are really putting up with BS here. A married man is in no position to "see if there is a spark" with another woman. That makes you--and his commitment to you--a "fall back plan," and it will only be a matter of time before he moves on to someone NEW if his "spark" doesn't develop with your friend. 

I would strongly suggest you get some individual counseling so you can learn to detect loads of BS when they come your way. He will have no real respect or value for you if you hold yourself so cheaply that you let him get alway with this.

As for your friend--she asked you what she should do? Seriously? By 23 every girl/guy knows you do NOT take up with a best- or good-friend's ex. It is just not done. It is low class and desperate. There are now over 4 billion people in the world; she can find someone else and tell HIM to go to Hell for the way he is treating you AND her.

Love does NOT mean sacrificing yourself for the happiness of others. You need to have firm boundaries so others will know you value yourself. An abused woman is likely to have problems with boundaries, too, as your friend has already demonstrated (that's not a criticism of her--just a reality). Stop excusing poor behavior in others and hold yourself high as the treasure you are. Good luck.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> You are really putting up with BS here. A married man is in no position to "see if there is a spark" with another woman. That makes you--and his commitment to you--a "fall back plan," and it will only be a matter of time before he moves on to someone NEW if his "spark" doesn't develop with your friend.
> 
> I would strongly suggest you get some individual counseling so you can learn to detect loads of BS when they come your way. He will have no real respect or value for you if you hold yourself so cheaply that you let him get alway with this.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Go to MC now and insist your husband have no contact with the friend.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

your so called best friend is lying to you . if you didn't have a good chance of getting this woman to go out with him never ever would of said that he wants to try to you .the risk would be too great . people who cheat want it all . 

he wants to cheat with your permission .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sorry SW, but it looks to be unanimous with the folks here. You deserve better. Don't sacrifice your self respect. I understand what you are saying about, if it was meant to be then it is meant to be but really, it already is not meant to be because he is cheating on you and is asking for your OK on it. Really, uh uh, I don't think so. You probably don't see this now, but you are young, there are so many better men for you out there; men that will treat you with respect, cherish you and honor you. Go to individual counseling and let the counselor know all of this; do what is best for you. I wish you the best, you deserve it and you will be just fine. I wish I had the advantage of youth on my side.


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## Scared_Wife (May 17, 2011)

Thank you all. I think a huge part of the problem is that he has never really believed in monogamy. We married anyway and I thought that he could stifle these feelings if his love for me was strong enough and if he respected me. We married anyway which I don't want to believe was a mistake, but...well...

Now that this woman is getting between us, he is curious and his feelings of wanting to explore outside of a monogamous relationship are back. He says he loves both of us. I believe what he says is true but he committed himself to me in marriage and I don't agree with polygamy and I'm not willing to waver. I know what I want and deserve right now.

I think we have our own issues that have pried us apart and then her stepping in has made things worse. I want my hub and I to work on us and for him to stop his thoughts about her in that way. I don't want him to sacrifice his friendship, but he needs to respect me. 

I sort of told him this last night. I am writing him a letter to calmly express how I feel and what I deserve so he can decide if he is willing to do that.

Thanks for your help all


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Ok, yes this is weird but every situation has varying degrees of "weirdness".

Here is the thing, you can't agree to this separation and certainly not to him dating anyone. Separations are for people who so thoroughly can't stand to be around each other anymore that it is both healthy and necessary. (or if there is abuse of some kind going on) Any other reason is just an excuse to be alone to pursue others.

You need MC NOW, not three months from now. And while I believe you value the other woman as a friend, there should be zero question that her dating your husband is completely inappropriate and will destroy all of the relationships involved. Your husband said he wasn't sure if he had feelings for her? That's bull****, he has known for sometime, at the latest he figured that out when he got involved in trying to help her relationship with her husband. (Speaking of which, he should never have been trying to help her out in that situation, he should have left her needs as a friend to you while he helped the husband) Seriously, if you agree to this your marriage is over, as is your friendship with this woman.

Your husband says he still cares for her, he knows he is putting you in emotional turmoil and you are beginning to consider courses of action that you never would have agreed to in the past. Perhaps his relationship with the other woman hasn't become physical but it has most definitely become an emotional affair and while we aren't privy to every detail of the relationships involved here, I feel 98% confident in saying that the other woman knew VERY CLEARLY that your husband has interests in her beyond mere friendship. I'm telling you, he absolutely will not (and can not) figure himself out or what he wants while he is pursuing another woman. It is the definition of a distraction. Further, you were right that he will experience the joys of a new relationship, the excitement of a new sexual partner, and when he holds your relationship up to that new light, he will have a false impression of what he thinks he wants. Of course, it very likely won't last for more than 6 months to a few years as has been mentioned here, but that is plenty of time for him to burn your marriage to the ground and move on.

You do not have to choose between giving in to his requests or offering him a divorce ultimatum. I know that is what it feels like in situations like these. The third choice could simply be that you tell him that you will not agree to a separation (certainly not one that involves you leaving the home), and that you will not give your blessing to him dating your friend or anyone else. Then tell him that if he really does love you as he says he does, if he really does value the time you have spent together, the life you have both built together and does not want to go through a divorce, then he will commit to ending all contact with the other woman and spend his time and effort focusing on your marriage which absolutely has to include Marriage Counseling, right now. Let him prove that he is telling you the truth. You are his wife and you deserve the truth and you deserve his commitment until the day he decides that he is ready for it to be over. You not only deserve it but you have also earned it through your commitment to him.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

So him never believing in monogamy is his excuse? What were your vows?
You had better be ready to insist this friendship goes, and tell her husband about it, to boot. Your marriage is on deep trouble. And no more "we didn't explore before marriage" garbage. You got married. End of exploration. That's how marriage works.

She can have zero contact with your husband or you might as well file.for divorce now.

Your h sounds like a boy, not a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scared_Wife (May 17, 2011)

The OW is in extreme turmoil in her new and 99% probable abusive marriage. Her husband and her just decided on a 3 month trial separation with an O.K. to date other people from both parties. 

Her husband knows she has feeling for my husband and wants more answers. He is (to my understanding) okay with this. Basically all three of them believe that humans are not monogamous by nature and that society has made it inappropriate and wrong to think or do otherwise.

I am the only one here who is really struggling with this which makes me feel like the crazy one with a ball and chain around my husband's ankles. I don't care what society believes a marriage is or what is expected of me and my husband. I know that I, personally, want a full commitment from him and I have the full intention of giving him my full commitment for the remainder of my life.

I don't know/remember quite technically if our vows expressly said we would be monogamous.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

If that is his view, your friends view and your friends husband's view, then that is what they feel is right. I don't agree with it. You, on the other hand, want commitment, trust and honour/respect in your relationship. You both have different points of view. I don't see how this is going to work unless one of you goes over to the other side - and if I were you, I would not even consider it. Definitely go to marriage counseling and see if someone can knock some sense into him. If not, move on. You seem like a loving, caring, wonderful person and you deserve better. You can do better! Don't compromise your intergrity, your self worth is one of the few things that no one can take away if you don't let them. If you can not get your H to commit to his marriage and his vows; which by the way to answer your question on that - "to honour, to love, and to cherish for better or for worse", in my opinion means just that. There is no honour in wh^%ring around with other woman. I hope he can change and that you two will be able to resolve this together; if not, again, move on.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Listen, it really doesn't matter. He has surely always known how you feel about what a marriage is and should be. I'm sure there hasn't been any question regarding what your expectations are and he agreed to them. Yes you both married young but the truth is that whether you married at 19 or 29, eventually we all need to find someone we can truly trust and be committed to. I have spent a great deal of time learning about the poly-relationships, swinging, swapping, etc and have even dabbled in it with my spouse but from what I have found, it seems to be destructive for most people who enter those relationships, the vast majority in fact, given enough time.

Put simply, I wouldn't bet that your husband has any idea what he wants, or understands what he is asking for. I bet you 10 years from now he will be married to one person that he is committed to, or wish he was, hopefully with you of course. Yeah you both missed a chance to sew some wild oats, but that's all it would have been, a few experiences here and there that might have been fun, lots of them you would likely regret, etc. If he (or you or your friends) want to sacrifice your marriages in order to try to go back in time for a little while, then so be it. I strongly feel that you'll all regret it ultimately. (I say this because you haven't described any major problems between the two of you, it sounds like it is mostly about him worrying that he missed out on a few flings while ignoring the prize that he's already won)

Again, if you allow it to happen, everyone is going to get hurt, some immediately, the rest in the long term. Thank God that there aren't any kids involved, but either way, you can't give in to this. If he is telling you that he loves you, that he doesn't want a divorce, then present him with the opportunity to prove that rather than giving him your blessing to actively go about destroying your marriage. This is a crossroads for you, right now. If you give him the freedom he's requested for a few months it will already be too late.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

No wonder your husband was "helping" them. Seems to me they schemed to set this situation up. You're the one they left out of initial talks.

These people are enemies of marriage, in particularv yours. They must both be cut out of your lives like a cancer. It doesn't matter if they are great people in every other aspect. They do not respect their own marriage let alone yours.

You seem to be real naive, willing to believe anything they tell you. Wise up orvyour husband will be having sex with her. And, more. He talked of feelings. That's polyamourous, not swinging. More dangerous. But I wouldn't be surprised if they already had sex.

Like I said, you don't risk telling your wife you have feelings for another if you aren't 100% certain the other person feels the same way. So no joke, this separation and dating idea was concocted as a cover story.

Also, get an STD test.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Scared_Wife said:


> *Im just so scared and I want advice from others. Do you think dating / seeing other people is a good idea? bad idea? neutral? Any other suggestions?*


As a rule, I think dating while separating is a STUPID idea if either of you has any hope for reconciling.

You are 23. You have your entire life ahead of you. My advice would be to tell him to get lost if he honestly had the audacity to tell you he wants to date YOUR FRIEND. WTF is that??? It's disgusting and disrespecting. SHe is not your friend either if she is entertaining this.

That says everything you need to know about him.


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## Scared_Wife (May 17, 2011)

I don't know if this is over or what. I think I am naive a bit...I think most people don't/can't understand this partiucular situation because it has such deep complicated roots that I can't explain. 

Last night he told me he's leaving. Starting a year of separation, the first step towards divorce. He says he needs to learn who he is independent from me. He also agreed to read any relationship self-help books I suggest and to go with me to Marriage Counseling. He just needs time and space to figure out if he wants to fight for our marriage.

Seems sucky now, and I don't know if I do deserve better. 

and BTW, I know they have had sex, cuz I was there. The 4 of us have swung together a few times. A few more times with just me, my hub, and her. He thinks he is polyamorous and I think I'm monogamous/ok with a little swing here or there if we are BOTH present. I might change along the road, but I know I would always put him first and I would want him to do the same. Might just be a plain recipe for disaster. We'll see.:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow. that does add a new layer of complication.
Well my dear... the fact remains: if he is leaving, you need to accept that and move on. Don't waste your time waiting for him or putting your life on hold.
In the future, decide if you want to be in an open relationship like the one you had w/ him (swinging, whatnot).


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Why on earth are some of you folks recommending MC for this crappy marriage?
The guy is playing the field, banging another girl while keeping his wife as plan B.

Dump the bum, give yourself plenty of time to heal and DO NOT contact him. He's a loser that does not value you. Plenty of men out there would wrestle a hungry bear naked with two raw steaks taped to their buttocks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

You guys are swingers? You deserve everything you got sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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