# To move back or move on?



## elwe7513 (Mar 26, 2017)

My husband and I have been separated since the end of November, I am devastated. Our real downfall started when my sister passed away two years ago, I slipped into a deep depression. My husband and I grew further and further apart, he didn't want to stay at home with someone so sad and I didn't feel like going out. On the occasion when I did go out with him it would be to a bar we frequent. I made a horrible mistake and kissed another guy at this bar, I don't even know why. He saw us, kicked me out of the house that night and I moved to NC (we live in FL) the next day to stay with my mom. He threatened if I moved back into the house he would file for divorce immediately, so I have stayed away. He has since dated other women (I have dated no one) and says he has only kissed one of them. He barely wants to talk to me and a couple of months ago said he thinks we should divorce, after crying together on the phone he stated he wanted to try one more thing and see a pastor about our marriage. He has been twice, but won't really budge on moving forward.
He states the past couple years have been bad in our marriage, it felt like we were roommates and he doesn't think our marriage can be saved. He is in a very "me, me, me" place and doesn't feel like fighting. I want to move back, into my own apartment to be near him and try to work things out. He states he can not promise he will spend any time with me , and doesn't think it's a good idea. I feel if I don't move down, I'm just giving up. I fear if I do, it will be a constant rejection, that I don't know that I can handle. Any thoughts, ideas? Please help. Any advise would be helpful.
Thank you!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

elwe7513 said:


> My husband and I have been separated since the end of November, I am devastated. Our real downfall started when my sister passed away two years ago, I slipped into a deep depression. My husband and I grew further and further apart, he didn't want to stay at home with someone so sad and I didn't feel like going out. On the occasion when I did go out with him it would be to a bar we frequent. I made a horrible mistake and kissed another guy at this bar, I don't even know why. He saw us, kicked me out of the house that night and I moved to NC (we live in FL) the next day to stay with my mom. He threatened if I moved back into the house he would file for divorce immediately, so I have stayed away. He has since dated other women (I have dated no one) and says he has only kissed one of them. He barely wants to talk to me and a couple of months ago said he thinks we should divorce, after crying together on the phone he stated he wanted to try one more thing and see a pastor about our marriage. He has been twice, but won't really budge on moving forward.
> He states the past couple years have been bad in our marriage, it felt like we were roommates and he doesn't think our marriage can be saved. He is in a very "me, me, me" place and doesn't feel like fighting. I want to move back, into my own apartment to be near him and try to work things out. He states he can not promise he will spend any time with me , and doesn't think it's a good idea. I feel if I don't move down, I'm just giving up. I fear if I do, it will be a constant rejection, that I don't know that I can handle. Any thoughts, ideas? Please help. Any advise would be helpful.
> Thank you!


Why not try going back for a week or so and see how you get along together.Kissing another man may have been the final straw for him though.After putting up with your depression for two years and then to see you kissing another man in public,probably in front of his friends,that would have been unforgivable in my opinion.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How old are you? How long were you married? Do you have a job?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

This is a tough one, it sounds like is his already done, and you will more than likely push him away further by moving back.

I would advise staying where you are and work on yourself, he is just being honest with you that if you go back he can't promise that he will spend time with you. You cheated on him and that is something he probably can't get over.


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## elwe7513 (Mar 26, 2017)

that is what he said, he doesn't want to be the guy that lets his wife walk all over him and allow her back.


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## elwe7513 (Mar 26, 2017)

I do have a job in NC, I'm 35, married 6 years in July. No kids, I gave that up for him.


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## elwe7513 (Mar 26, 2017)

He says still he is not ready to get a divorce, that there's a small percent chance of reconciliation. I have been working on me, and trust me it's hard for me to think of moving down there, especially since he cheated now too, out of spite. I just know I'll regret not trying. But unsure of how much I can take of his refection


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What have you learned about yourself in this time?

What is different in you now than there was then?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

elwe7513 said:


> He says still he is not ready to get a divorce, that there's a small percent chance of reconciliation. I have been working on me, and trust me it's hard for me to think of moving down there, especially since he cheated now too, out of spite. I just know I'll regret not trying. But unsure of how much I can take of his refection


All the senses are required for reconciliation... sight, sound, touch, taste, smell... they all affect the heart and mind when we are with those we love and they help as presence ties it all together. Being there will be needed if you are to exist again in your marriage.

You cannot be as you were, those days are done... please do not allow things to be defined by those dark days.

It's painful to realize we were the mortar in somebody's walls... all we can do after the fact is offer them a design for building a better hammer so that the value in tearing down their wall has more value than keeping it.

That design is in how we have learned to build ourselves...

No design is perfect, but even the most imperfect thing can accomplish the task quite well.

Forgiveness is mutually assured compassion...


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## elwe7513 (Mar 26, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What have you learned about yourself in this time?
> 
> What is different in you now than there was then?



I have grown stronger in my faith, putting my trust in God. Stopped blaming God for the loss of my sister, which has helped me with depression.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

elwe7513 said:


> I have grown stronger in my faith, putting my trust in God. Stopped blaming God for the loss of my sister, which has helped me with depression.


This is wonderful growth... trusting one's spiritual connection is critical for peace within. Have you shared this with him?

If the best you can do is offer closure, then that is your best... nothing wrong in that, but request to do it in person.

Sometimes we don't get that though... but if you do, let sadness take it's proper place.

It's proper place is behind many others... confidence, acceptance, courage, patience... even uncertainty of what you are facing today.

Show him what you have let go... and share with him what you would like to keep.

You cannot control what the future brings, but you can bring the good that contributes to it's success.

Bad things happen to good people, I am sorry for your the loss of your sister and while it was heartbreaking, you have learned it doesn't define you... now show him.

Peace be with you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Why not try going back for a week or so and see how you get along together.*Kissing another man may have been the final straw for him though.After putting up with your depression for two years *and then to see you kissing another man in public,probably in front of his friends,that would have been unforgivable in my opinion.


I agree. 

It sounds like you have needed professional help to deal with your grief, you were not handling it well on your own. I would suggest that you get into therapy to help yourself heal.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

elwe7513 said:


> My husband and I have been separated since the end of November, I am devastated. Our real downfall started when my sister passed away two years ago, I slipped into a deep depression. My husband and I grew further and further apart, he didn't want to stay at home with someone so sad and I didn't feel like going out. On the occasion when I did go out with him it would be to a bar we frequent. I made a horrible mistake and kissed another guy at this bar, I don't even know why. He saw us, kicked me out of the house that night and I moved to NC (we live in FL) the next day to stay with my mom. He threatened if I moved back into the house he would file for divorce immediately, so I have stayed away. He has since dated other women (I have dated no one) and says he has only kissed one of them. He barely wants to talk to me and a couple of months ago said he thinks we should divorce, after crying together on the phone he stated he wanted to try one more thing and see a pastor about our marriage. He has been twice, but won't really budge on moving forward.
> He states the past couple years have been bad in our marriage, it felt like we were roommates and he doesn't think our marriage can be saved. He is in a very "me, me, me" place and doesn't feel like fighting. I want to move back, into my own apartment to be near him and try to work things out. He states he can not promise he will spend any time with me , and doesn't think it's a good idea. I feel if I don't move down, I'm just giving up. I fear if I do, it will be a constant rejection, that I don't know that I can handle. Any thoughts, ideas? Please help. Any advise would be helpful.
> Thank you!


Sounds like he is done. Some things you can't take back. He doesn't want to break you but he has moved on. You should to. Use the time to work on you. You are depressed and you are married women who kissed a man in public with your husband in the room. That is pretty severe. Unless you make yourself safer you have the potential to do this kind of thing again.

What have you done about your poor boundaries? What do you think is the reason you would disrespect your husband so publicly? This isn't your common cheating behind close doors this was a very public thing you did. Were you angry with him?

Have you learned techniques to help when the next crisis appears in your life. 

Just because he is done doesn't mean your life is over. It means this relationship is over. From your post I think you still have some stuff to deal with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

elwe7513 said:


> I have been working on me, and trust me it's hard for me to think of moving down there, especially since he cheated now too, out of spite.


This is questionable some would say you broke the contract, so there is no contract (this is how I feel personally, but I would immediately divorce for legal reasons, in my mind we would no longer be married.). He also was honest with you about what he was doing. If you feel this way I am not sure why you are trying to save this?

I have to be honest what you did would probably cause most marriages to be over right there and then. He really doesn't have to do anything for you and he has done nothing wrong. You sound angry that he hasn't taken you back yet.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

There are millions of other single men out there. Learn from your mistakes and start over with a new man. You both need to start over and find what you're looking for. I see no need to save this marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

While he certainly is within his rights to divorce you, what is not ok is him jerking you around while here dates others.

Frankly I sense a double standard here.....let's reverse genders:

Guy is depressed and kisses other woman. Wife is understandably upset abs asks him to move out, but then tells him she's not ready for a divorce while she dates other men. 

I doubt most posters here would be ok with that. 

If he needs time to think that's fine, but if he's going to date other women just file for divorce now. Sounds like an excuse for him to see others.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> While he certainly is within his rights to divorce you, what is not ok is him jerking you around while here dates others.
> 
> Frankly I sense a double standard here.....let's reverse genders:
> 
> ...


I agree if he is done he should be done. However if he told her and she still wants to hold on that is on her. I think OP needs to give up hope. I would say the same no matter what gender.


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