# Ryo's reconciliation attempt



## Ryo

Original thread on our separation: Confused and don't know what to do

I will be posting in this new thread from now on for as long as we are working towards R.

to sum things up I knew something was wrong and suspected cheating early this year but failed to find anything when I looked. She had an online relationship developing with someone in a video game (she has a problem with playing online roleplaying games too much) and proceeded to pack up and move out in late march, in her mind she had not cheated as she left before it became physical. She left me holding the bag on the rental house and a lot of her things she left behind that i had to box up. Threatened to leave town with S4 forcing me to file for separation very early on. Her thread was veiled in a possible need to move because she only works 12 hours a week and cannot afford to live. I stopped seeing my Step daughter who is 9 (SD) at the advise of legal counsel and my W took this as me totally abandoning her as I was a little too honest (i am too honest all the time) and I let her know I didn't love SD the way I do S4 but SD has oppositional defiant disorder and she really can push you away over time. We have an active divorce case with an agreement she signed at the beginning of July a day before we started sleeping together again. I have 50/50 custody of S4 and have maintained that since about 3 weeks after she moved out. Since July I have had SD on Friday and or Saturday every week against my lawyers advise. We have steadily ramped up the number of nights a week we stay together since July 4th which was the first night. Got to the point I was going home for 2-3 nights a week a month ago and now in the last month I have slept at my place a total of 3 nights, I basically live with her as I have not gone home for a night in 2 1/2 weeks. She is still only working 12 hours a week, I had told her I wasn't interested in R unless she got more hours as she was not a very good stay at home mom and played video games all day while i supported her for years. She is however in school now going to be a nurse so I will take that as something productive her time is being used for. She does still play that game but her EA/PA is no longer playing with her (long story short he threatened her when she broke it off and was harassing her and threatening to post nude pics of her online she has the police involved)

I am moving in at the end of the month and told her that I am not willing to move in without MC, so we will be starting MC this month.

I am completely aware I fall into the "plan B" possibility and that is a risk I am prepared to take. I truly love my wife and my family. Thanks to the good people in the divorce and separation forum I now have an understanding of my nice guy issues and am working to curb that. I am also working on "doing more and talking less" as Conrad frequently reminds me to do


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## Conrad

She'll fit in great as a nurse.


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## 06Daddio08

You make sure you hold yourself just as accountable as she should be, no rug sweeping.


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## Ryo

Conrad said:


> She'll fit in great as a nurse.


I don't get it. 

Daddio I am perfectly willing to hold myself accountable for where I screwed things up. I think the hard part will be pointing out where she fails to hold herself accountable without coming off as I'm on the offensive because I know she is not the type to openly admit a mistake.


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## 06Daddio08

*Re: Re: Ryo's reconciliation attempt*



Ryo said:


> I don't get it.
> 
> Daddio I am perfectly willing to hold myself accountable for where I screwed things up. I think the hard part will be pointing out where she fails to hold herself accountable without coming off as I'm on the offensive because I know she is not the type to openly admit a mistake.


Not being okay with a behaviour isn't pointing a finger at anyone but yourself.


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> I don't get it.
> 
> Daddio I am perfectly willing to hold myself accountable for where I screwed things up. I think the hard part will be pointing out where she fails to hold herself accountable without coming off as I'm on the offensive because I know she is not the type to openly admit a mistake.


Nurses are the among the professions that exhibits the highest rates of codependency.

Healing others.. saving the world... that kind of stuff.

As long as you stick with what you are - and what you are not - ok with, and don't get trapped into explaining, it will work.

Trust it.


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## Ryo

Not sure if I posted this but I took the kids and the W and got them 2 cats at SPCA Thursday, kids are so happy. She thanked me for getting them cats and oddly apologized for the vet bill I had today (SPCA cats apparently don't come without problems needed treatment) just reminded her sick cats aren't her fault no need to be sorry. 

We've been slowly been discussing money more and more and talking budgeting. Surprisingly I'm finding no resistance to the idea of budgeting money and saving money. Maybe my approach this time is partly responsible, but I'm hoping her attitude has changed as well. 

She said one thing that set off warning bells in my head today that I need to talk about. She has found some work from home thing that is an amazon.com program. She wants to get started, see if she can make enough money to replace the pizza job, and even
Mentioned quoting the pizza delivery job if she can make enough money doing this. My problem is not her intentions, I trust her to be sincere in what she means to so. What I don't trust is her ability to follow through and make good on it, without a boss to make her get online and do this work she might not keep it up. Then I would be left supporting her again and she wouldn't be pulling her weight, we've tried the stay at home mom route, she's no good at keeping the house clean, and cooking often enough to warrant being home all day. That ended up me paying the bills and her playing games all day. 

How should I approach my concerns here?


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## 06Daddio08

So, you bought cats. Have you booked the MC?


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> Not sure if I posted this but I took the kids and the W and got them 2 cats at SPCA Thursday, kids are so happy. She thanked me for getting them cats and oddly apologized for the vet bill I had today (SPCA cats apparently don't come without problems needed treatment) just reminded her sick cats aren't her fault no need to be sorry.
> 
> We've been slowly been discussing money more and more and talking budgeting. Surprisingly I'm finding no resistance to the idea of budgeting money and saving money. Maybe my approach this time is partly responsible, but I'm hoping her attitude has changed as well.
> 
> She said one thing that set off warning bells in my head today that I need to talk about. She has found some work from home thing that is an amazon.com program. She wants to get started, see if she can make enough money to replace the pizza job, and even
> Mentioned quoting the pizza delivery job if she can make enough money doing this. My problem is not her intentions, I trust her to be sincere in what she means to so. What I don't trust is her ability to follow through and make good on it, without a boss to make her get online and do this work she might not keep it up. Then I would be left supporting her again and she wouldn't be pulling her weight, we've tried the stay at home mom route, she's no good at keeping the house clean, and cooking often enough to warrant being home all day. That ended up me paying the bills and her playing games all day.
> 
> How should I approach my concerns here?


Tell her you're not ok with her quitting the pizza job until she shows she can duplicate the income on the Amazon opportunity for 3 straight months.

Bank that money if she's able to do it.

Then turn her loose - with that rainy day fund.

If - after two months - things are going in the wrong direction (again), tell her the trial period is over and she needs to get back into the delivery game.


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## Ryo

I like the idea of the 3 month trial. 

Yes I bought the cats and MC is in the process of being scheduled. I get a list of 3 providers at a time from my insurance and if I don't like them I can get more names to look up I just got called back today from the one I called Friday but she called to early in the morning for me to answer and "unknown" number. I don't roll out of bed for random phone calls in the middle of my sleeping. Once I find one who has open appointments that match both my wife's and my schedules we will be going. She thought we were going this week already but I havnt got it set up yet. 

Just drove all the way across town for my ic appointment. Whoops turns out it was yesterday and I had my days mixed up, forgot to set a notification on my phone for the event lol.


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> I like the idea of the 3 month trial.
> 
> Yes I bought the cats and MC is in the process of being scheduled. I get a list of 3 providers at a time from my insurance and if I don't like them I can get more names to look up I just got called back today from the one I called Friday but she called to early in the morning for me to answer and "unknown" number. I don't roll out of bed for random phone calls in the middle of my sleeping. Once I find one who has open appointments that match both my wife's and my schedules we will be going. She thought we were going this week already but I havnt got it set up yet.
> 
> Just drove all the way across town for my ic appointment. Whoops turns out it was yesterday and I had my days mixed up, forgot to set a notification on my phone for the event lol.


Hang in there brother.

Fun is just starting.


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## Ryo

Just figured I'd share a fun little comment of hers. 

"So is your family as thrilled as mine were living together?" Lol her mom wasn't very happy, she doesn't like me, which works out fine if you consider I don't like her much.


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## tracyishere

RYO, Why did she have the affair?


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## Ryo

Long story short. Neither of us knows how to make a relationship work. We're both products of very bad marriages. So we got stuck in a rut so to speak. An we eventually both stopped trying. He was a friend in her game for I think about a year then she slowly lost interest in talking to me. From what I've read this is the typically start to an EA. she simply justified it to herself by saying she wasn't sleeping with him just talking to him. And when it got to the point she wasn't interested in our relationship anymore she left. 

A big part of it was her need to feel attractive. I stopped telling her she was because all I saw anymore was a woman who was terribly put of shape from spending all her time in front of a game. She wasn't too big just clearly completely out of shape, it was all I saw anymore. The woman who sat on he's a$$ all day playing games and leaving the house a mess while I worked 40-80 hours a week. We both have our own thins we need to work on. I'm working on mine, she appears to in her own way be realizing her own problems and hopefully we can move past this together.


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## tracyishere

What is it you value about your marriage to her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryo

The typical things you value out of a relationship. But the big thing is that I love her. Messed up or not I've always loved her. I did grow to resent her at times, but even then I wouldn't have wanted her out of my life. This time around I'm not out to fix her, but if she asks for help I'm more than willing to help her. 

I also absolutely love having a family, and having a family is not being a part time dad.


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## tracyishere

Have you been able to forgive her? Or are you still taking/placing blame?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryo

I've forgiven her. I accept that my failures in our relationship contributed to the situation but they did not cause the EA. she has never said she was sorry but I can tell talking to her she understands she was wrong and I don't need to hear an apology to move past this.


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## tracyishere

Wow. You are stronger than me. I needed that apology, in order to let go. I'd say you're doing pretty good. Just work on making her feel desirable as that is what she got out of the EA relationship. She needs that from you now and always.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryo

I wouldn't say it's strength. 

The way she left and going through the 50/50 custody experience was horribly painful for me. My wife and kids are the most important things in my life. They are what I've always wanted out of life. Living without that was miserable, and after that some things that seemed horrible simply are put in perspective. 

I'm also a forgiving person and a believer in the fact that everyone makes mistakes. Provided they learn from them that's ok.


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## tracyishere

I understand. I don't think I experienced anything more painful in my life. But, I have learned so much from it. Neither of us were happy and this forced us to deal with the issues that were plaguing our marriage. As a result we have been able to make great changes to ourselves and there is no longer any hidden resentments. 

There are stills my days though that his "giving up on me" triggers and I find myself questioning his love. Love was such a magical thing for me before. It is was kept me from falling apart through our unhappy times. The fact that he could stop loving me, made me question everything about love. I still don't hold those words with as much value as I used to. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryo

I completely understand this. I know that my wife never stopped loving me she just developed an infatuation with her EA and once that had ended she was able to see it again. I'm hoping that the experience combined with MC will improve our marriage. We sure could use the help.


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## tracyishere

Well I don't think that her remaining in love with you minimizes your pain. I think counselling is important, but I also think it's best not to dwell on the affair. One cannot move forward if they are stuck in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryo

That's a lesson I've learned the hard way in a previous relationship. I dwelled on things that had happened and it was probably the biggest contributing factor to the end of that relationship. I also swore I wouldn't make that mistake again if I found myself in a similar situation. 

Interesting comment she made today is that the only reason she hasn't put her rings back on is because she's worried the welfare people might stop by and notice she's wearing them, no idea what led to that comment I was actually in the middle of something else when she brought is up. But interesting to see she pointed it out herself as I had been wondering when she would put them on without me asking.


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> That's a lesson I've learned the hard way in a previous relationship. I dwelled on things that had happened and it was probably the biggest contributing factor to the end of that relationship. I also swore I wouldn't make that mistake again if I found myself in a similar situation.
> 
> Interesting comment she made today is that the only reason she hasn't put her rings back on is because she's worried the welfare people might stop by and notice she's wearing them, no idea what led to that comment I was actually in the middle of something else when she brought is up. But interesting to see she pointed it out herself as I had been wondering when she would put them on without me asking.


Guilt led her to that comment.

Great observation

Keep it up.

Don't take the bait.


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## Ryo

My reply was a simple "oh I was wondering I you were going to put it back on, that makes sense don't wear it yet." Then I went back to what I was in the middle of (looking up storage unit prices)


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> My reply was a simple "oh I was wondering I you were going to put it back on, that makes sense don't wear it yet." Then I went back to what I was in the middle of (looking up storage unit prices)


A better response would have been "ok"


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## Ryo

She's trying to get ahold of her welfare case worker to inform them that I'm moving in. He scared shell get busted for welfare fraud if she doesn't. Sadly my insurance which sucks has spent the last 3 months dragging their feet on all of S4s dental work he needs and now when it finally gets approved she won't have Medicaid anymore. Here comes a 2000-3000 bill.  had to vent and post that. Ugh makes me mad. 

Will be interesting if her welfare stops and he hasn't gotten to the point she is ok re-combining our finances. I know she had it in her head that we could be married and jut keep our finances separate (something I find unacceptable) we haven't really discussed it yet but I'm curious as to how she thinks our finances can stay separate if she cannot come up with half the money for the bills. Her boss is moving her inside so she can stop destroying her car delivering pizza. She will cook them now. Less money as no tips but her insurance will go down $100 a month and her monthly gas usage will go way down too should about break even.


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## Conrad

Why are separate finances unacceptable?

It would seem they are PREFERABLE in this case.


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## tom67

Conrad said:


> Why are separate finances unacceptable?
> 
> It would seem they are PREFERABLE in this case.


I would keep them separate for the time being.


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## ThreeStrikes

Ryo,

Many people work 40, 50, 60+ hours a week to make ends meet.

Why isn't she? Because she knows she's got you to rescue her.

Is she sharing the cost of the dental bill?

Do you want a partner, or an adult child to care for?

*"The way she left and going through the 50/50 custody experience was horribly painful for me. My wife and kids are the most important things in my life. They are what I've always wanted out of life. Living without that was miserable, and after that some things that seemed horrible simply are put in perspective."*

This blue text is a problem.


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## Ryo

Sorry guys haven't been on in a few days. Had a lot going on and other things to worry about. Lost my job this week. 

As far as combining or having separate finances goes. For now separate is preferable but in the long run I want a partner who is willing to work together financially towards both mutual goals and each others separate goals. But to clarify i am not looking to combine them right now that's why I never brought it up until she made a comment which I can't even remember right now about it. Although if she gets off welfare I will have to pick up more than half of the bills but that's still not guaranteed to be what happens I may not disqualify her from welfare now that I have no job. Then again my call way over peoples heads to corporate might get me my job back too.

The blue text... Well I'll think more on this I've got too much on my mind this week that takes a higher priority. 

Think I'm going to sit down and do a bunch of those career tests you can find online. Let unemployment pay the bills and go learn to do something new. Hard part is I make 50-70k a year as a construction laborer (this year was on the low side of that). I am going to take a giant pay cut doing anything else.


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## tom67

Sorry to hear that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryo

It's ok I actually figured it would happen this year. The boss in the division I worked for hates me because I talk right back to him when he bullies and insults you. He's one of those. I figured its a slow year it would be the year he managed to get rid of me. He fired me the day after another guy who was out for over a year on injury returned to work. He didn't need one more employee. Just sucks I usually have 2-3x the money saved up at the end of summer but there's been almost no overtime this year.


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> Sorry guys haven't been on in a few days. Had a lot going on and other things to worry about. Lost my job this week.
> 
> As far as combining or having separate finances goes. For now separate is preferable but in the long run I want a partner who is willing to work together financially towards both mutual goals and each others separate goals. But to clarify i am not looking to combine them right now that's why I never brought it up until she made a comment which I can't even remember right now about it. Although if she gets off welfare I will have to pick up more than half of the bills but that's still not guaranteed to be what happens I may not disqualify her from welfare now that I have no job. Then again my call way over peoples heads to corporate might get me my job back too.
> 
> The blue text... Well I'll think more on this I've got too much on my mind this week that takes a higher priority.
> 
> Think I'm going to sit down and do a bunch of those career tests you can find online. Let unemployment pay the bills and go learn to do something new. Hard part is I make 50-70k a year as a construction laborer (this year was on the low side of that). I am going to take a giant pay cut doing anything else.


You anywhere near North Dakota?


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## Ryo

No we considered moving there last year. Her sister moved her whole family there last year. At that time I could have gone but the hourly pay was equivalent for what I do I just would have gotten more hours. It's too cold for me up there I've lived in a desert all my life I get cold in the ac inside. Sit with a blanket if it's 75 degrees lol much happier if it's hot.


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> No we considered moving there last year. Her sister moved her whole family there last year. At that time I could have gone but the hourly pay was equivalent for what I do I just would have gotten more hours. It's too cold for me up there I've lived in a desert all my life I get cold in the ac inside. Sit with a blanket if it's 75 degrees lol much happier if it's hot.


Plentiful jobs.

Good pay.

Before you burn through your savings, think about it.

Fresh start.


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## Ryo

I have thought about it a lot. My savings is only $6k right now. Luckily unemployment plus her little income is enough. I seriously think I would be miserable up there. I really hate it when it's cold and windy. I'm 5'6" and 130 lbs I'm not built with much insulation  although a fresh start sounds tempting. Nice and away from my family, somewhere the landscape is more than just dirt.


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> I have thought about it a lot. My savings is only $6k right now. Luckily unemployment plus her little income is enough. I seriously think I would be miserable up there. I really hate it when it's cold and windy. I'm 5'6" and 130 lbs I'm not built with much insulation  although a fresh start sounds tempting. Nice and away from my family, somewhere the landscape is more than just dirt.


Dirt up there - and oil.

That's why you can get paid.

It's on private land, the government can't keep you from getting it.

Williston is the epicenter

6k is enough to get there.

That's all you need to do.

It's an option if you want to lead.


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## Ryo

It might be the option I suggest. I think I'll get through winter on unemployment if need be then consider going. Take the time to track down and take a ton of career tests, maybe figure something out to try that's new. It's time for a change, without my good paying job I no longer have a good reason to avoid changing careers. Between my knee, my back, my wrist, and just how small I am it's definitely time to get out of construction.


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## Ryo

Lol it's never just one thing that goes wrong. 

Her car took a sh!t today while she was at work. That slightly squeaky clutch / vibration is now a roasted clutch complete with clanging noises to go with the wonderful burnt clutch smell. 

I've been minding my own business on the car subject kinda let her problem be her problem. Which means of coarse it was never fixed and now it's a much bigger problem which I know she has no money to fix. She asked me to be the one to take it to the mechanic but problem is I don't think she can pay the bill. 
Part that really makes me mad is the fact I had a shop replace the clutch in jan or feb this year but I know at first sign of trouble she never took it in until it was bad. I can't blame them for not wanting to fix it I wouldn't either if someone let a problem persist and get worse before bringing it back.


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## tracyishere

I hate going to the mechanics, I always leave feeling insulted and stupid. Maybe your wife is similar. Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryo

She knows they treat a woman different. Thing is the mechanic I use is a woman so she shouldn't have that problem. But they definitely didn't do a good job on her car, no problems on mine I've been going there for 2 years for my car. Might take hers somewhere else though and see what they say. Somewhere where they will be honest and not try to cover their butts.


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## Ryo

Been a month since I have posted. We started MC last week nothing really to report there the first session was more the therapist getting to know about us. For the most part things have been good but I don't think sitting at home without a job is doing me any good. My former employer is fighting me on unemployment too. Telling them I violated company safety policy which when I call the safety guy he says I didn't lol. So I'm having to take that too a hearing. 

I think the biggest things I can see in the relationship that are a problem are the role reversal. For years she sat at home doing nothing while I worked now she works all of 12 hours a week and is in school for 6 hours a week with additional study groups she seems to feel its ok to constantly tell me this or that needs done. I don't mind doing the things because I'm home but Im starting to get tired of being told things need done like they are all my jobs. Maybe I'm just letting it get to me because I'm not used to being home all the time. 
I could go back to work right now for another company but non union work is about half the pay right now because there's not a lot of prevailing wage projects going on. At half the pay if I manage to get my unemployment it's not financially a good move to go to work until I find a replacement job at my normal pay rate. 
I am happy to say I took a career test at the college and am once the results are in considering going back to school. 

I'll try to get back to posting often as I feel it has helped me a lot.


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## remorseful strayer

Ryo said:


> The woman who sat on he's a$$ all day playing games and leaving the house a mess while I worked 40-80 hours a week. We both have our own thins we need to work on. I'm working on mine, she appears to in her own way be realizing her own problems and hopefully we can move past this together.


I hear this a lot from men, and I thought it too for a bit. I was out busting my butt while my wife just sat home........or so I thought. 

After my affair she moved out. Boy did the house get messy quick. It's amazing how the same clean ups need to be done daily and sometimes two or three times daily. 

The house even got dusty when I was rarely in it. 

After my wife left, I realized how much work she actually did while at home. 

She did cooking (big clean up after meals) she cleaned the toilets, vacuumed some rooms daily, and others twice weekly. She went shopping. She dusted the furniture (which by the way gets dusty even when you aren't there)

She washed a folded a load of laundry per day, (towels, underwear, socks, etc. She brought might suits to and from the cleaners, and maybe did three loads of dishes per day because she cooked breakfast and dinner most days and nights. 

I will never again resent her for being home. She was working a full time job cleaning the home and cooking and shopping for us.


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## Ryo

I'm glad yours did that stuff. Before we split up she maybe ran the vacuum once every 6 weeks. I know this because I had to empty it each time she never did. Cooked probably 2-3 meals a week the rest was drive thru. Dusted never. She wasn't a productive person when staying home. Used to drive me nuts. 

Now I've been out of work for over a month and I've discovered I'm no better. I do vacuum twice a week because we have a cat with ringworm and have been cooking 3-4 dinners a week and doing the dishes but the kids laundry is way behind. My laundry is too. I've discovered its a lot harder to get things done at home than at work. We both need jobs and a maid lol.


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## 06Daddio08

You both playing games still?


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## Ryo

She plays a little but she spends a lot of her free time studying for school. She works about 12-15 hours a week and goes to school about the same then spends probably 15 hours a week studying. I spend more time than I should gaming right now, without a job that's so easy to do. Not sure how much time I've been playing video games lately probably about 8 hours a day on average. 

Going to be volunteering at the church starting next week one day a week.


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## 06Daddio08

You're playing a full-time jobs worth of video games a day?


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## Ryo

Yeah I have been. On the plus side it gives me something to do that doesn't cost me anything (game is paid for). Without a job there's a lot of time in each day. Hoping to be back to work in January when a new project starts up, union rep said he could call in a favor to get me hired on without waiting for the 600 or more people ahead of me on the list. 
The 8 hours isn't in one sitting. I play a few hours in the afternoon usually 1 or 2. then do stuff around the house an make dinner. After dinner I play until bed. I am definitely over doing it but I don't have a whole lot else to do. I do clean the house a bit and this is an average of days I have days I'm too busy to play that much and only play an hour to get my daily rewards for my character. Then there's days like the weekend where I have nothing to do and can play more.


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## Ryo

Went today to see an attorney about my unemployment. Went and visited a friend in the hospital who just had a stroke. Also went and registered to volunteer 8 hours at a church for tomorrow. Sucks I have to be there at 730 am I'm used to working nights as I have for 8 years but it will be good to go do something. 

Going to schedule out next MC for next week if I can now that I have the next step to unemployment out of the way.


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## Conrad

Ryo said:


> Went today to see an attorney about my unemployment. Went and visited a friend in the hospital who just had a stroke. Also went and registered to volunteer 8 hours at a church for tomorrow. Sucks I have to be there at 730 am I'm used to working nights as I have for 8 years but it will be good to go do something.
> 
> Going to schedule out next MC for next week if I can now that I have the next step to unemployment out of the way.


Ryo my man...

You just going to leave us hanging?


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