# I Desparately Need Advice



## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

*I Desperately Need Advice*

What should I do about my marriage? 

I have been married over 15 yrs., have been a stay at home wife and mother, and basically done all the "wifely duties" that I am supposed to do. My husband and I have major problems, and I don't seem to be able to foster any loving feelings toward him, and I despise and endure his touch. Now for you to 
understand my situation, you understand when a woman is a stay at home mom, she doesn't have her "own money." Just her husbands. 

From the beginning of our marriage, he is been so overbearing and controlling when it comes to money. It started right from the get-go. We would go to the store for some groceries (or whatever), and he would give me the money to buy them, and when I returned to the car or returned home, he would want the change back. Just like if someone's child went into a store to buy something, and when they came back, the parent would ask for the change back. That was before we had any credit cards. After we got credit cards, even though I do use them, it is not without great care. I have dealt with his "reaction" for years if I bought something he didn't think was an absolute necessity. "What did you get that for? You didn't need that did you? Etc. I guess for me to get something for myself must be the worst crime. Well, because of how he is about money, and how he reacts, I have learned to simply NOT spend money b/c he has made it clear that I am not allowed to. So for years I have told him he should GIVE me money. That way if I wanted something for myself, I would have the money to buy it. OR if we were out somewhere with the kids, and they got hungry or thirsty, I could buy them something. But, he would use the excuse "You have credit cards and a checkbook." Then, I would point out to him that I can't use them b/c of how mad he gets and the fits he throws. The only times that I have actually had money in my pocket or bought myself something that cost more than a few dollars is because his mom is so gracious to give me money for Christmas and on my birthday. For years, those are the only 2 times I actually have money in my pocket.

We were married in 1991 and bought a new house in 2003. I wanted to buy some nice things to put on the walls, so I was at a Home Interior Party. I thought to myself, I have NEVER spent even $100 on myself at one time in over 10 years of marriage, so surely it would be ok to now. So I bought over $100 of Home Interior to put on the walls. What do you think happened when he found out? You guessed it! He got so mad, and was throwing a fit, and wanted to know if I could cancel the order. I lied and said NO. In my heart when he reacted in that way, it hurt me so deeply, it was literally like a knife stabbed me. I had a very sharp chest pain, and thought "he loves money, but doesn't love me." 

Now you need to understand something else to get the clear picture. I can understand when people are poor, and they need that money to pay bills, that a husband would get very angry if the wife spent it. But that is entirely not the case here. We have NEVER needed money. We have always had plenty in the bank, and we have been able to pay for things like buying a car, and pay for it in full without having to take out a loan. AND, I know this will come as a surprise to many, but we have bought our house, and when we did so we paid for it in full! So if we can afford to pay cash for cars, and a house, and STILL have money in the bank...well, then surely I can afford to buy some Home Interior for the walls. Surely I can spend some money on myself once in awhile. But he has made it clear by his actions, that money is more important than his wife. 

I have told him, I would rather be in debt than to be in a miserable marriage. He has destroyed my feelings for him. The worst is that this has went on for 10, 12, 15, and more years. I have talked to him, and it has done no good. Years of years of being treated that way. Years and years of my trying to talk to him about this, and he has ignored me and ignored me. He is not a communicator. I have sat on the foot of the bed, trying to talk to him. Trying to speak in a calm voice, and not be a nag, but try to show him the problem in this situation. And all he does is ignore me. He keeps his face in the book he is reading, like I am not even there, and like he doesn't hear me saying a word. And the worst is that after I said what I have said, nothing changes. It is literally like he never heard it. Like I never said it.

So after 18 years of marriage, I decided that he ISN'T going to change. So if things are going to change, I will have to change it for myself. I started working, and now I can't stop. I have a desparate need... I mean, I am consumed with the desire to make enough money that I would never have to need or want another dollar from him. I want to be completely independent, and so on.

I once told him that we need marriage counseling. I told him that for several months. But he figured that going to marriage counselor would cost him some of his precious money, so we never went.

Now, it's no longer constant nagging and resentment spewing at him. I have withdrawn from him mentally and emotionally. I no longer tell him what I think. I speak to him as little as possible so that I can avoid the pain of being ignored. Because of the hurt, because we have no communication, I am no longer physically interested in him. I feel like if he wants sex that he wants to get out of the marriage what HE wants. While he has never cared to give me what I want.

We have children, and I do not see how our marriage is going to get better. I feel like it is only going to get worse. I feel like it is irrepairable. I do not love him, all I see is a stingy, selfish man, who can't even talk about problems when I try to bring them up. And absolutely CAN'T do anything or is not willing to change them.

I honestly think if he changed now, that it would do no good, that the problems are so long been left unresolved that I could not love him now even if he did try. 

I am told to stay together for the sake of the kids. And I don't make enough money to live on my own either. But how can someone stay in a marriage where I feel soon we won't even be sleeping in the same room? 
If we did get marriage counseling now, would it even help? I feel like our marriage can't be fixed, that it is too late, that the damage is irrepairable.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Two words:

“GET OUT”

Make a plan and move with the kids, he changes and loves you or looses out. Don’t discuss it. Do not let him prepare for it, just go as soon as you are ready. 

As for money, earn what you can, he will be required to top up support for the children. If you do not change the landscape you will be in eternal misery.

and the kids will learn to be free under your guidance.. 

Bless you..


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Well, the problem is that I don't want or care about if he changes or not. Not anymore. I used to want things from him, and used to want communication and money. I have done without it so long that I have realized that it is alot less painful NOT wanting things from him. It is the same broken record that has continued to play. I talk, he ignores. Now I don't talk, so there. I have changed, so are things better off? My withdrawing from him, of course that hasn't helped. But it is HE that has pushed me away. He has thought that pushing me away is the best, because isn't it better to avoid controversy than to face it? As long as I do my wifely duties for him physically, that is all he tries to get me to do. It is time he wakes up, and becomes the man he has never been willing to be. He will have to earn my love, and seek my communication. If it is even possible for our relationship to get better, it will be a miracle. I cannot change the way I feel about him. I cannot feel close to someone whom has ignored my feelings constantly for over 18 years. Also, it is very hard to want to improve myself when I harbor no good feelings toward him at all.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I think our marriage is irrepairable. If it isn't, it will take serious counseling and a miracle.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"ignored my feelings constantly for over 18 years"....My post still stands


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I have been there, done that. My changing does not take away the problems. When someone "sweeps the dirt under the rug," the dirt doesn't go away; the pile just gets bigger. We have went so long with the problems we have that they are so big now that it truly does look hopeless. He tries to have sex with me, and all I can think about is how HE has ignored me when I have talked to him, but he doesn't want me to ignore him physically. I feel like all he wants from the relationship is to satisfy himself; while satisfying me (meeting my needs) has never even entered his mind.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Have you considered why he might be like this about money? Could it be that he sees himself as the sole breadwinner, and is worried that he may not earn enough, that life could throw you a curveball and he may not be able to sustain your lives / afford treatment for something life threatening? 

People have different views on how much is enough, what is frivolous spending and what is essential. If your communication on money is twisted before you begin then you will struggle to ever be on the same page. 

Are your kids in school now? Could you do some part time work to give yourself a little mad money? Start up an internet based business? Losing that complete dependency could be transformational for both of you. 

I agree with the recommendation about doing some reading up on relationships. get 'His Needs, Her Needs' , and 'the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'. Also explore what your Love Languages are. You might feel too resentful to initiate change for your husband's sake but it is never too late to learn and change for your own sake. And you will know you did everything you could wherever it all ends up.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

What is the automatic response of touching a hot skillet or getting burned? You get away from what burns you! That is what I have done in my marriage. I know it isn't good, but I feel like I am safer withdrawn from that which causes me much pain; which in this case is my husband.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Great tips Hunt Brown! 

If you change, he will have to adjust. 

Of course, as you can't stand to touch him and have some really deep resentments, I would say, try the counseling first. There are just so many years behind you with this man, it would be a shame to walk away before you are sure you tried EVERYTHING to make things better.

I think perhaps your husband has irrational fears about money. It's not that he doesn't love you, but he loves you so much that he's scared to death that he won't be able to provide for you - so he hoards money to make sure he can always take care of you and the kids. 

It's understandable that you are upset, as he hasn't been working with you about the finances as a team, and has been very controlling about "HIS" money. But "HIS" money is YOUR money too. He works for it yes, but that's his contribution to your family. Your contribution is taking care of the children and house. I assume you openly share the benefits of your hard work with him, and it's only fair that he do the same with you. So, yes, there is an understandable reason to feel upset and that your marriage isn't balanced at a healthy and successful level for both of you to feel fulfilled with it.

Even with this going on I am still wondering if being so upset is leading you to create unfair negative judgments about him? I mean, all those years with him - there has to have been some love in there, right? It might be deeply buried right now, but I don't believe you would've made it so many years without some deep feelings.

I would suggest that you pick several counselors and try them out until you find the one you relate to best. Go with or without your husband. This will help you gain better clarity, negotiation skills, and perhaps help gain some much needed balance between you.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

His Needs Her Needs is right here next to me on my bookshelf. It is hard to pick up a book like that if I don't want to meet his needs.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

I'd have thought the answer to that would be to learn to work with the skillet so you can benefit from what it brings to you and what you can bring to your family from what it cooks.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

lynst said:


> His Needs Her Needs is right here next to me on my bookshelf. It is hard to pick up a book like that if I don't want to meet his needs.


I do understand, I have been that far estranged myself. But read it for you, read it to learn from other people's experiences.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

The negative feelings I have toward him control my life. It is like even if he went to doing all the things I have wanted him to do, that these feelings are so deeply rooted that they wouldn't go away.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

You cannot change him. But you CAN change you. And from your changes it mayinstigate some change in him, it may not. 

However you need to get yourself out of the mindset of the negativity being in control of your life. Not just for you but as the most important role model in the lives of your children too. You can begin to change your attitude now. Of course it will be a struggle, but this is your life, no dress rehersal, no chance to cut and do another take if you flunk this one.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It sounds as if you all ready know that you want to leave him. Are you here to get permission? If you are that unhappy and don't think it's worth the attempts to make things better, then get out. 

It would be a shame to look back in a couple years and wonder if you really did everything that YOU could do in order to save your marriage. But, if you all ready feel that way, then why bother considering any alternatives?


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I am not sure I want to have good feelings toward him. Although I need this situation is not good, and I want to be happy. I just don't want to be happy wit HIM.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

We did have a few counseling sessions with our pastor. But all he could say is stay together for the sake of the kids. I wanted HELP. I didn't want to be told what is right. I already know that. If someone can't help us resolve the issues that have torn our relationship apart (because I sure don't know how to even begin to fix them. Besides, I am not willing to fix them if he doesn't do a complete 180 on communication and the way he has treated me.) Well, the only reason I haven't already left IS because of the kids AND because I can't support myself financially.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

He treated you very shabbily. He didn't love you. He made you feel like a nothing, a nobody. He never considered you or your feelings. You were his object all these years. He never gave you a moment's consideration, and now he does not deserve any from you. He is the worst God-awful person on this earth.

There now, I agreed with you. And honestly, I do agree.

You want someone to know how you feel. You want everyone to know how badly he treated you all these years. You want to vent and get this all out and off your chest. You want people to listen and understand. You finally found someplace where you can be heard and not ignored the way he did for so long.

Okay, enough of that. It's time you make a decision.

No matter what anyone says to you, you just keep coming back with more complaints about him and telling them you don't want to fix anything. But, just like in your marriage, you are not getting anywhere. You are not listening to anyone. You are not taking any responsibility. And, you are not doing anything about your situation. You put up with this man for nearly 20 years. He is never going to change from counseling. There is no amount of counseling that can help him. Why? Because he will never listen to someone telling him he CANNOT do what you have firmly implanted in his mind that he CAN do. You allowed this. You told him over and over to "please treat me badly" because you put up with it. You tolerated him. You tried to talk. You begged and pleaded to no avail. But you stayed. You stayed and took it. Just like you accuse him of treating you like his child, you treated him like your father because you allowed him to treat you like a child. Therefore, in every way possible and every way imaginable, the relationship was not one-sided. It was of mutual consent.

So, who do you blame now?

You are as much to blame as he is. You now have a job, but why didn't you get one 17, 15, 10 years ago and move out and get away from him if you were so unhappy? If you were so sad in your marriage and did not like the way he treated you, why didn't you do anything about it? And why, for goodness sakes, don't you do anything now? Instead of complaining over and over about him, make a decision. If you want to leave, then leave. If you don't want to try to fix the marriage because you feel it is irreparable, then why are you still there? If you do not love him or have any feelings for him anymore, then what is the miracle you are waiting for?

I disagree with all these people telling you to stay and read a book or whatever. But, you have become the walk-away-wife who won't walk away. Are you enjoying your misery? Some people love being the victim. Is that you?


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

No, that isn't me. I have felt like I have had no choice because of the fact that I have spent my life raising the children (and he was a bystander when it came to that), and haven't had the time to get a job sooner. I feel I may be at blame as well. That I cowered like a wounded puppy with hurt, and wouldn't stand up to his emotional bullying. But I do know this, I have tried so very hard to get him to understand that we have major problems and have needed help for a long time. I feel like I am not going to put up with this much longer. He is so angry at me because I am an iceberg to him physically. He should know how I angry I am at him because of all the years he has been an iceberg to me mentally/ emotionally. You have heard the saying, "if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting." Well, I have quit doing what I had been doing. I have quit allowing his selfishness to hurt me. I have quit wanting things from him. I am working to make things happen for myself. I have realized that if I want things to change, I have to change things for myself. I have changed and it isn't for the good (if you consider that I am not willing to put up with his junk anymore a bad thing). I just wish I knew what or how to tell him exactly why I feel the way I do about him. He really needs to understand. But he has never understood or never wanted to understand in almost 20 yrs.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

lynst said:


> I just wish I knew what or how to tell him exactly why I feel the way I do about him. He really needs to understand. But he has never understood or never wanted to understand in almost 20 yrs.


See, that is what I mean. You want to be heard while you complain. No he does not need to understand. Nothing will make him understand, so what is the point except being heard?

You have played the victim your entire marriage and keep doing it. If you want a standing ovation for finally getting tired of it, then okay I applaud you. If you want to keep complaining, okay to that too. No doubt someone will read. In the end, you still only have two choices. Either stay and keep taking it, or get out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a thread over at marriagebuilders.com, in the general section (I forget what it's called) by a person called catperson. Read that thread. Read the advice she was given. You will recognize yourself in her words. And you will see that you CAN change the dynamics in your marriage and, not only will your husband have to change and adapt because YOU are, it CAN soften your heart to him. 

Is that a guarantee you'll love him again? No. She didn't. But she did learn to live with him again without hating his guts. As HER perception of her life and HER resentment faded - because she took control of her life and stopped blaming it all on him - her view of her husband changed as well.

Half of what you describe is YOUR fault. YOU accepted his poor treatment of you. And now you resent him for it. Not entirely fair. That's not a criticism of you, but an explanation of how you got where you are.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Let me know if you can find it. I am having a hard time finding it on marriagebuilders.com.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Well, marriage IS supposed to be "for better of for worse." So I have put up with alot. I have tried for so many years to voice my feelings on this, just to have him disregard those feelings altogether. I heard someone say this, "talking is sharing, and listening is caring." I have tried to talk to him, but he has not listened for so long. I knew if he really cared about my feelings and about making an effort in having a good marriage, he would have listened. He would have communicated. He would have tried. And he would have done it a long ago. I have stayed with him because:

#1. I do not believe in divorce.

#2. I cannot take care of myself financially.

And #3. Because of the kids.

I am not waiting on him to be a better husband. He is who he has chosen to be. I do not expect him to listen. What I am doing is working to create 100% independence for myself so that I won't HAVE to stay with him if I decide not to. 

I have tried the "you change, he'll change" scenario. I have heard all the sermons, books, etc. I am just not willing to try anymore. He is going to have to wake up and do what he should have been doing all long. Then, if there IS any hope at all, I am sure it will change things and change my feelings toward him. I doubt it though. I have given up a long time ago, and actually, it is less painful to not care. You can't repair something that is irrepairable. And I would rather be single and happy, than to be married and miserable. But, then there's the thought that if we divorce the kids will be miserable. So it may be that I will have to forsake my own happiness for the sake of my kids. But I am not sure I can do that. 
I cannot promise him or anyone else that I will always be his wife. Because right now the grass really looks alot greener (and alot less stressful) on the other side.


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## Serenityy (Aug 16, 2010)

i know exactly what you mean , i was a stay at home mom and after leaving him i was like a child in a big world , i made the mistake of coming back and am now leaving after 2 years . Never ever again , I will be alone for the rest of my life , Sad to say I dont trust anyone anymore and will never date again . I wish you luck .my prayers are with you .
Serenityy


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Tell me this...why does a man want something physically from a woman? They can treat their wives like dirt, but still expect us to fulfill them sexually. I know they (supposedly) need sex, and that it is very important to a man, etc. Well, I wouldn't give in to him physically a couple nights ago. He didn't like it so the next day he pulled up a couple of articles on men's need for sex, that basically said that men feel close to their wife because of sex. Well, why on earth should I want him to feel the way he wants to feel? While he doesn't care about making me feel close to him? I feel like if I "keep doing what I'm doing, I'll keep getting what I'm getting." So I don't want to keep giving to my husband sexually because I will keep getting what I have got...a man who gets what HE wants from the relationship, while he has NEVER cared about (my needs) giving me what I want.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So go find some articles that say 'a woman has to be emotionally connected to a man BEFORE she will want to have sex with him' and hand them to HIM.

Then say 'so let's sit down and figure out how you can meet my needs so I can meet yours.'


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## irenesavarese (Aug 19, 2010)

I agree with several people saying that you need to focus on yourself.
We can not change another person, but we can influence a partner by doing something different, and not continue to do what did not work in the first place.
My advise is to stay focused on what you want (not what you don't want).
You are already in the process of changing; you are working, reading books on relationships etc. That is great! Take the next step in mapping out how you picture your life both individually and in marriage. What is it that you want - describe in positive terms and start doing the change yourself. Keep working and create friendships and get going with developing your interests.
Your husband will react - it's like a dance, you start to change the steps and he either change them with you to keep the dance moving, or he steps on your toes one time to many.
Give him time to change and catch up to you. He need to learn the new steps in your new marriage dance. The script of your marriage have to be created together, but each of you have to do your individual work before you sit together and negotiate your plan. How much you can take, only you know. Remind yourself how long it took you to act/change! Most people don't change unless they have to, even if what they have is not very satisfying. We need some kind of push. It can be a crisis of some kind or depression etc.
Let me know what you think? Sincerely Irene


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Well, I agree with you partly. But I have done the whole "me change, he'll change" scenario. It didn't work. It takes two. He has to see the need to change first. Then he has to be willing to change. I have given him what he wants for years. It left me empty b/c I felt used, ignored, etc. I would give him what he wanted, he got what he wanted out of the relationship. But if I dared even try to talk to him about something I am upset about, all he would do is keep his face in the book he was reading and act as though I wasn't even there and never even said a word. He doesn't try to communicate. When I give him what HE wants physically, I believe it causes him to feel satisfied mentally and emotionally. When he gets what he wants, he never even attempts to give me what I want/need. Actually, the thing is, all he has ever tried is to get what he wants. It is amazing to me he wants me to read articles on how men need sex, and how it makes them feel close to their wives. Like he is trying to preach to me. Well, women need communication. Women need their husbands to listen and to care about them, their needs, and their opinions. Without that we are just being used. Used to be their cook, their maid, and to fulfill them sexually...all the while we are screaming for what they never want or are not willing to give. Maybe I am not willing to change. Well, I'm not. The only strength I have is to not give in. I am not going to give one inch, because he will use it to take a mile. He will go to sleep feeling good after sex. I will go to sleep feeling angry b/c I see what he wants out of our relationship. All for him, and nothing for me. If he can't put effort in our marriage any further than trying to get physical fulfillment from me, he may as well forget having anything to do with me period.


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## dsjenkins (Aug 19, 2010)

I have been married for 9 years now. I can in to the marriage with 1 son and he had two kids, now we have two togetther. He lets his son talk to me any way he wants to and he says its his personality and I have to get use to it. I dont really see how thats right. Everything I say is wrong and im never right. He knows everything about everything. I work full time and go to school full time and take care of five kids. He says I dont do enough, but when he comes home he sits and plays the xbox all night and does not help me with the kids or dinner. He calls me stupid and i do everything wrong. So every day I have to hear that Im stupid, that makes me feel really bad about myself. He has been making my son do more than the other kids. I have tryed to talk to him about my son, but he said Im playing favorites. I dont like doing anything in bed with him anymore but I have to beacuse if I dont he thinks im cheating on him and I get called a *****. What sould I do?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lynst said:


> Well, I agree with you partly. But I have done the whole "me change, he'll change" scenario. It didn't work. It takes two. He has to see the need to change first. Then he has to be willing to change. I have given him what he wants for years. It left me empty b/c I felt used, ignored, etc. I would give him what he wanted, he got what he wanted out of the relationship. But if I dared even try to talk to him about something I am upset about, all he would do is keep his face in the book he was reading and act as though I wasn't even there and never even said a word. He doesn't try to communicate. When I give him what HE wants physically, I believe it causes him to feel satisfied mentally and emotionally. When he gets what he wants, he never even attempts to give me what I want/need. Actually, the thing is, all he has ever tried is to get what he wants. It is amazing to me he wants me to read articles on how men need sex, and how it makes them feel close to their wives. Like he is trying to preach to me. Well, women need communication. Women need their husbands to listen and to care about them, their needs, and their opinions. Without that we are just being used. Used to be their cook, their maid, and to fulfill them sexually...all the while we are screaming for what they never want or are not willing to give. Maybe I am not willing to change. Well, I'm not. The only strength I have is to not give in. I am not going to give one inch, because he will use it to take a mile. He will go to sleep feeling good after sex. I will go to sleep feeling angry b/c I see what he wants out of our relationship. All for him, and nothing for me. If he can't put effort in our marriage any further than trying to get physical fulfillment from me, he may as well forget having anything to do with me period.


 The bottom line is that he is this way because you LET him be this way. That doesn't excuse his behavior. I'm just explaining that people treat us the way we TEACH them to treat us. If you want to stop giving sex, you can. But you have to be willing to also do the work of showing him what you expect of him. I know that's trite, but the truth is, people like you and me are stuck with the spouses we got, so it's up to US to make the changes.

You say you made changes, but apparently you still kept giving him sex, right? Why should he change?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dsjenkins, start your own thread so people can find it and help you.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

dsjenkins said:


> I have been married for 9 years now. I can in to the marriage with 1 son and he had two kids, now we have two togetther. He lets his son talk to me any way he wants to and he says its his personality and I have to get use to it. I dont really see how thats right. Everything I say is wrong and im never right. He knows everything about everything. I work full time and go to school full time and take care of five kids. He says I dont do enough, but when he comes home he sits and plays the xbox all night and does not help me with the kids or dinner. He calls me stupid and i do everything wrong. So every day I have to hear that Im stupid, that makes me feel really bad about myself. He has been making my son do more than the other kids. I have tryed to talk to him about my son, but he said Im playing favorites. I dont like doing anything in bed with him anymore but I have to beacuse if I dont he thinks im cheating on him and I get called a *****. What sould I do?


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Do you have somewhere to go? How old is his son, the one who talks to you like dirt? I would leave your husband AND his son. Go to a family friend, stay there awhile. Tell him you won't come back without professional counseling.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I found a couple of articles I sent to my husband.

What Women Need in Marriage – Marriage Message #197 | Marriage Missions International

Why Women Leave Men


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

This is something else I sent to him:

Women Spell Intimacy T-A-L-K
A Seven Part Article
By Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
(c) 2000 Used with Permission
Part One: Barbara Talks to Husbands: intimacy in marriage

Part Two: Men and Women are Wired Differently:
intimacy in marriage

Part Three: Understanding Your Wife's Need for Emotional Intimacy: 
intimacy in marriage

Part Four: What Happens When Your Wife's Need for Intimacy is Not Met?:
intimacy in marriage

Part Five: How Can You Meet Your Wife's Need for Emotional Intimacy?:
intimacy in marriage

Part Six: Safeguard Your Relationships: 
intimacy in marriage

Part Seven: The Rewards of Emotional Intimacy:
intimacy in marriage


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Lynst,

Just read your last post, and could change the gender and send it to my wife. A long time ago I opened up the so called feminine side of my brain, realizing that beyond sex I want intimacy, both together are far more satisfying than sex alone. 

Sex can be had easily in this day of Craigslist (I've read advts, haven't done anything other than fantasize), real connections, exposing oneself in full, being accepted despite many flaws, sharing thoughts more significant than telling me who did what at work, is what I need and want, along with passion and sex.

My wife's limited conversations with me are 95% complaints about her boss or co-workers. I don't know where the woman I loved and married went, I miss her, but am moving on.

Mark


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lynst, 

I believe I would simply get a job or begin preparing to take a job. He'll, naturally, have a fit. When he does, calmly explain that adults need money and they shouldn't have to jump through hoops for it. If he chooses to have a full time housekeeper, that requires treating you as a full and equal partner in financial matters. You and he can arrive at a reasonable distribution voluntarily or high dollar attorneys can split his present and future finances for him (after extracting hefty fees). I wouldn't worry about not being able to support the kids if you leave. Between child support and alimony (which, after 15 years, you would also almost certainly get), you'll be sitting in butter. He may not understand simple respect but I'm pretty sure he can perform simple math. He'll quickly see that his testicles are in a vice and that it's to his financial advantage to play nice. If he balks, his issue isn't money, it's just plain abusive control and you're probably better off without him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sending him things to read and telling him to change will do no more good than all the subtle hints you've been throwing at him all these years. He has no reason to change. You don't give HIM what he wants, and you LET him treat you this way. You would have much more success if you follow the marriagebuilders Plan A, and give him a reason to care about you.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

How do you look a man in the eye and tell him that in your eyes, the marriage is over, and that I don't want to work it out? That I would rather not have the right relationship, because I don't desire to be with him anymore. That if he was going to change and try to have the right kind of relationship, he should have done it a long time ago, when I still cared, instead of ignoring me for years and years.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Sending him things to read and telling him to change will do no more good than all the subtle hints you've been throwing at him all these years. He has no reason to change. You don't give HIM what he wants, and you LET him treat you this way. You would have much more success if you follow the marriagebuilders Plan A, and give him a reason to care about you.


I am sending him these things not to change him. But to inform him. These articles will basically tell him why I am where I am emotionally when it comes to our (dissolving) marriage. Even if he did change now, I doubt it would change the harm that's already done. And I doubt I will ever have loving feelings for him again. All I want in life now is to be 100% independent from him. I am working toward that end.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gotcha. BTDT.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

If I was a man, and had only a man's needs, I probably would be fine. If all I wanted was sex, and financialy stability, I have that. My husbands "abnormal" stinginess and hoarding of money is unforgivable. Also, his complete inability (or maybe he just doesn't want to) to meet my emotional needs of intimacy. He is completely "communication impaired." He has a personality that I truly disdain. I don't even enjoy his company. He is so uninvolved, boring, and silent that I could live a week without him, and we'd hardly notice he was gone. So if all I needed was physical and financial I would be ok. But that leaves out my needs entirely. I need a husband who puts our relationship first, NOT his money. I need a man who cares, listens, and communicates. But after 19 yrs. of marriage, I realize that I married a man who will not or cannot do those things. If all he gets is sex once every few weeks, he is fine. Why? He gets his needs met. But his silence, his unconcern, his stinginess, and even sex once every three weeks, is causing me to disdain him more. He really has destroyed all hopes of closeness that may have ever been possible. Now I have learned by reading this article that I have what is called The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Willow said:


> I'd have thought the answer to that would be to learn to work with the skillet so you can benefit from what it brings to you and what you can bring to your family from what it cooks.


I've tried to "work with the skillet" for 19 years; and it can't be done. You can't work things out with someone who can't or won't put forth their own effort to work things out.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He sounds awful. He ALSO sounds totally consistent - from day one. When did you get a part time job so you could have some of your "own" money you could do whatever you want with? Even an unskilled job like waitressing at night 2-3 nights a week would change this financial dynamic. 

Or work on the weekends and let him watch the kids while you do. The fact you are almost 20 years into a marriage with a totally consistent man, and you cannot support yourself financially strikes me as out of synch with all your complaints. 

I am not justifying his behavior it is 100 percent different than mine. This isn't about him - it is about you. 




lynst said:


> I've tried to "work with the skillet" for 19 years; and it can't be done. You can't work things out with someone who can't or won't put forth their own effort to work things out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have to agree. Glad you're moving on.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> He sounds awful. He ALSO sounds totally consistent - from day one. When did you get a part time job so you could have some of your "own" money you could do whatever you want with? Even an unskilled job like waitressing at night 2-3 nights a week would change this financial dynamic.
> 
> Or work on the weekends and let him watch the kids while you do. The fact you are almost 20 years into a marriage with a totally consistent man, and you cannot support yourself financially strikes me as out of synch with all your complaints.
> 
> I am not justifying his behavior it is 100 percent different than mine. This isn't about him - it is about you.


Married for 19+ yrs. To me, I think someone should have changed their selfish behaviour years and years ago. I was talking to him a couple nights ago and told him that I have figured out why he didn't want me to spend any money. It is for one of two reasons: #1. He doesn't care anything about my opinions or how I feel whatsoever. Or #2. I am just not worth anything to him. Then I asked him which one is it. He really wouldn't/didn't want to say anything. So I did ask him to answer me several times. When he finally answered, he said he didn't think we had it (money to spend). Then he said, but it must have came from somewhere (because of the huge amount of money we have saved). 

I think about this more and more, and the madder I get. If that is the only reason/excuse he could come up with; then it is obvious that all those years of my talking about money went through one ear and out the other. (I knew that anyway.) So therefore, what HE thought about our financial situation is all that has mattered to him. All my pleading with him, talking to him, never phased him. I guess it never even entered his mind that he should try to take my opinions into consideration on this issue.

Maybe he HAS been consistent. He has consistently been selfish and stingy with money. He has consistently ignored my opinions and feelings. Even though I have done my best to rationally explain the situation to him, it has never phased him at all. Now this IS about me. It is about the fact that I shouldn't have put up with this for so long. It is about the fact that his "reason" for being the way he is isn't a reason at all. It is an issue of stinginess. But it is more an issue of his years and years of ignoring my opinions. What HE has thought about our financial situation is the ONLY thought he has considered. It is an issue of him being a literal jerk to me consistently for 19 years; and I have had enough.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I have been working for almost 2 years now. I make very little money. Sometimes only a hundred dollars a month. I work at JC Penney part time. When I started I was working 5 days a week before the holidays. Now the hours they are giving me aren't enough to bother with (one day a week). But I keep working there hoping that I will work 5 days a week again soon.
I want to earn enough money to be independent so that I wouldn't want or need another dollar from him. Money is just part of the equation. Yes, I CAN work and earn a few hundred dollars a month to spend. But that doesn't make me feel any better about my husband at all. The fact that I despise this man is the real issue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lynst said:


> To me, I think someone should have changed their selfish behaviour years and years ago.


Why would someone stop being selfish?


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