# I am confused.



## thedude! (Jul 5, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. Around 1 year ago she got a small office job after not working for 6 years to raise our boys. During this time she was emotionally getting close with her boss. Even though she would tell me everything they would say (mostly heavy flirting)to each other I never really wanted to express my jealousy because I thought that would push her away. Then she started having after hours conversations via text that started bothering me. She would stay up late after we'd put the kids to bed and "chat" with this guy. About 1 month ago she went out with a friend and tried cocaine. I didn't find out about this until last week. Then the day after I found out she had left her Facebook chat session online and she was flirting and saying inappropriate things to one of her customers. I immediately flipped out and demanded she quit her job and do away with those people to which she didn't agree. We went to a marriage therapist and she explained what would happen is she continued this job. After this things got much better between us(or so I thought). We had laid everything out on the table. She had done things financially that I had no idea. I was willing to get past all this and put full trust in her but she insists on keeping this job because of the schedule and money. I told her that once that door was opened between her and boss it's hard going back. Now she just thinks I'm trying to control her because if she goes back, I wouldn't be able to handle it and I would end up leaving. She is going to therapy by herself this week so I can only pray this helps. Thoughts?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

She is trying to have her cake and eat it too.
You have to be a bit tough here. Is it acceptable for her to have a relationship with other people while in a relationship with you?

I am afraid you can't trust her. She is cheating on you. She will lie to you. This is a horrible realization to come to but it is as you have found out a reality. 

You have to decide first if you are willing to accept the fact she is transfering her emotions to someone else. It sounds like she is RIGHT ON THE EDGE of a Physical affair with him. If it hasn't happened already.

She must cease all contact with the Other Man for you to have a chance. There are other jobs. Your marriage in on the line. Do whatever it takes to stop this.

I think your in for a rough ride... Post for help here and do not tell her about it. It is your safe place..Your going to need it.

Sorry your here. Really Sorry.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stink to your guns, you are not controling, it is her that has to suffer the consequences for her behavior. 
She will for sure take this further underground, being more careful this time.
Do not take this chance, the best thing for the marriage is her quiting her job. It will save our marriage if she does willingly. If she can see the danger and recommit to the marriage by quiting then all is good.
But if you try to control her and demand she quit, it will back fire. So to avoid resentment make her make the best dicision for the marriage. If she doesn't then move on. She will will most likely back peddle so thats when it gets tough, is she quiting for a healthier marriage that she wants or is she quiting for you? 

Bottom line is her current job will eventually break up the marriage, and it is her that has the control in this. It is her choice. She is weak and she will faulter so the only avenue is making the stance that she quit for her not you. But getting her to unbderstand this may take some time it may even take more failure in her judgment that you can show her how unhealthy her choices are.

Or

Screw it be the alpha male tell her to quit period. Some may agree that this is a good approach, being the alpha and protecting your marriage. Making her suffer the consequences for her 1st failure and not tolorating her unhealthy behavior. Again this avenue can be followed by telling her your not controling but you are protecting what you hold dear and the marriage means more then money and schedule. 

After typing this all out and the BS I personaly went through I would risk her resentment and protect my marriage.


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## thedude! (Jul 5, 2011)

What stinks is that she agreed to take a break from her job until the summer ends. I think it's a great step forward but she has started acting depressed and we are not in the best position financially but I told her our marriage is number one priority. She seems to think that I need to trust her which I will but I don't need to trust him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

She is backsliding. Hold your ground. (I actually think you should post this in the infidelity section of this website.)

She says you need to trust her? Tell her that she broke your trust and that it will take some time for her to earn your trust back. Yes, SHE is the one who has to do the work to earn your trust back, which means doing whatever is necessary to be transparent, to get therapy (this is key) and to figure out why she allowed herself to be so inappropriate and reckless with her marriage.

You need to hold her accountable. Don't afraid to be tough. You have every right to be hurt, jealous, and mistrustful of her. Just FYI, it takes 2-5 years to really work through an infidelity, even an emotional one, which is what your wife did.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There's a hell of a lot of great advice in this thread thedude!


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I have to agree w/ing & the guy. You should listen to them. I've read a lot of their posts; they know what they're talking about.

I would bet money this work relationship will progress into a full blown skin-on-skin relationship if your wife keeps working there. Let her know you don't trust her sleazy boss or his intentions. Hopefully, you can reason w/her. If she absolutely refuses to quit & turns it around on you so that you feel like a total a*****e for wanting her to quit, then it probably already has progressed. If she repeatedly defends the sleazy boss, then it probably already has progressed. Even if it's not physical yet, there's a lot more than being "just friends", & it will grow into more still.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

thedude!, you should read about "fog" & its drug-like effects, especially how it causes actual withdrawals from the OP. Maybe your wife's depression is withdrawal related? If so, I think you can both get through this. She needs to use this time away from her job to find a different one. Then there will be no need for her to go back to her job or be around the do***e boss.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Calmly, quietly and respectfully* sit her down and explain that she can do whatever she wants but if she insists on keeping the job, you will start formulating your exit strategy from the marriage. Inform her 'the choice is yours' and then leave her to ponder your words.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she wants trust have you discussed with her the rebuild process?
The things she can do to reassure you. My wife calls me all the time, she stays home with me, and we also go out together. 

She's depressed b/c you took her high away, I suggest you replace it by flirting and texting her and taking her out. Granted some folks may think this as a reward, I for one thinks it is...a reward for taking the break from work. Its a start

Main point is replace that void she now has by doing the things that you haven't done in a while and that the OM was doing...chat her up when your away from each other.

Next question, why did she step out? usually there is a problem in the marriage ...I mean the affair and unhealthy behavior is a by product of a problematic marriage. Some may want to argue that the marriage was perfect and there spouse just cheated, I for one find it hard to believe.

Its real important that the both of you understand and learn from her infidelity, hoping that you will prevent it from happening again at her next job.


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## thedude! (Jul 5, 2011)

I believe that since we've been together since a very young age and only been with each other, that she feels I'm more of a father figure at times. Or maybe this is her acting out since we never really did as teens. I've always been fully supportive in everything she has come to me with. Except this obviously. The drug use is not related to her boss. I believe she made that choice because since we where kids I've always been strongly opposed to drugs. I'm sure that's why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Don't like the looks of this, buddy. I think you're headed for troubled waters- BE PREPARED. Bring a life vest, 'cause you're gonna need it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

thedude! said:


> What stinks is that she agreed to take a break from her job until the summer ends. I think it's a great step forward but she has started acting depressed and we are not in the best position financially but I told her our marriage is number one priority. She seems to think that I need to trust her which I will but I don't need to trust him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The fact that she is depressed is GOOD. It means that she is withdrawing from the feelgood effects of the naturally occurring drugs in her system caused by her being "in love/lust" with her boss. 

I know hearing that hurts like someone hitting you in the face with a 4 x 2 but, right now you have a chance to pull her back from the brink.

If you slip now you maybe facing divorce . This is a HORRIBLE result and expensive just doesn't cover it.. Talk to her.. Sounds like she is listening at least, which is fantastic. 
Do this..
Spend savings..Rainy Day is here.

Take her out to new places and LISTEN to her.
LISTEN again.. Something is wrong. 

Do things you absolutely never did before.
Go away. Schedule a vacation . Soon. Like next week. This is an emergency,

She needs YOU to fill that gap. Right NOW


Because she is looking at BOSS types then a little bit of Alpha male won't go astray either. 

From your other post.
The Father figure is a good analogy. I realized too late that my wife was looking for that too. A person who pretends to take charge. Oh so easy when they non of the real responsibility.


IC and MC.. Yes. NOW..or Sooner..


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