# I don't know what to do



## KJS (Jun 28, 2014)

I'm sorry this is so long. Please bear with me. My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years; married for 9 1/2. In the beginning it was easy, and good. Then along came kids and a house. His job kept him out until late hours during the week; on the weekends he would sleep. He did very little to help out. I may not have dealt with it perfectly (let's just say, I didn't give him a hard time, but I wasn't always the Miss Happy-Go-Lucky he expected me to be, especially when I had been up for hours early in the morning taking care of the kids and keeping them quiet so he could sleep), but it was what it was. Then he started losing his jobs. 

Over the past 6 years, he has lost 4 jobs, each time taking a pay cut. With each job loss, he pissed someone off enough to help him lose his job (though he always tries to lay the blame on the other person). So financial problems added on to the stress of raising first one, then two children, essentially by myself while holding down a full-time job and taking care of our home and bills. He has a bad temper, so fights over the littlest things tend to take on a life of their own. I would constantly hear that he didn't want his children raised the way he was (his mother was married twice and had four children with three different men, and there was a lot of fighting) and that I was a miserable person and he wanted a divorce (after all, we're hardly intimate anymore; he never seems to understand that he isn't around enough, or does much here, to make me want to be intimate). 

He can also be controlling (he needs to know everything and needs to tell everyone how to do things; I'm fairly certain this is why he has been losing his jobs). So why have I stayed with him? Because deep down I knew he was a good man, who had trouble dealing with stress and who really didn't know what makes a good marriage (my parents have been happily married for 50 years; he thinks it's because my mother's controlling and my father just lets her get away with anything she wants). I also felt he really loved me and that his behavior was really out of his control (I know, I was just deluding myself). I realize we should have gotten counseling years ago; but between money and him not being around, it always seemed to be difficult to schedule it. 

About 2 years ago, he was told he had diabetes. The medicine bothered him so he stopped taking it. He dealt with the diabetes by "eating better" (though only when he felt like it). He loses his temper often with me and the kids (especially with our 5-year-old son; he's very hard on him), especially if he is hungry (he doesn't eat well) or tired (nor does he get enough sleep). I have spoken to his mother about this, with the hope that maybe she could get through to him (though she was the one who told him that all he really needed was to take cinnamon to help the diabetes, not medicine). 

One night, about a month and a half ago, I kind of got fed up with him (he was alternating between playing with our son and getting him all riled up and then getting upset with him when he didn't stop what he was doing immediately). I must have been holding my arm because my daughter asked what was wrong. I said "nothing" and went into the bathroom (where I proceeded to cry). When I came out, he asked me why I was crying. Was it my arm? I said my arm was okay, but maybe my shoulder had been bothering me. He flipped out on me, that I couldn't just answer the original question, even if it was about my arm (needless to say, he was both hungry and tired that night). I put my hands up and asked him to please not give me a hard time about this. That did it. He stormed out, cursing and throwing his shoes (barely missing our son). 

A couple of weeks went by, with us hardly speaking. My son innocently said something, and he flipped out again. This time he tells me that after work he goes over to his brother's place to watch tv, eat dinner and do work; he comes home late at night to sleep. Since I won't let his mother live with us (an issue that has been raised before) and he's tired of having to yell at the kids to clean up their stuff, he doesn't see why he has to come home. 

I let some more time go, and decided to take matters into my own hands and solve this intimacy issue (I knew this was an issue, so I wanted to show that I heard him and was making an effort). Afterwards, I thought we had made some headway (I know he doesn't like to have to say sorry for anything, I'm always the one who does it, and I figured by making a move this would kind of "let him off the hook"; I realize I do that too much and that's part of our problem). Things seemed to have gotten a little better I thought (he was telling me he loved me), so I decided to broach the issue of his staying at his brother's instead of coming home (I just questioned it, I was not giving him a hard time). He said that although he appreciated what I had "done for him" (and, that after all, he's only human), we still have big issues (translation: I still don't want his mother living with us; by the way, his sisters' won't live with her either). That he loved me, but that there was something wrong with me. 

The kids don't ask where Daddy is because they're used to him not coming home due to work. I am starting to feel he is a deadbeat and a loser. I was considering suggesting (under duress) that his mother try coming to live with us (mainly because I think that they're both delusional in thinking she could live here and help take care of the children, and that by agreeing to this they will hopefully discover themselves this would not work; by the way, he really only wants her here because she promised to give him money from the sale of her trailer and we could use the money right now; either that, or he'd have to find a 2nd job, which he says he's planning on doing, but I think he wants her money s he doesn't have to). I've even bounced the idea off one of his sisters, who thinks it will never actually come to fruition (first, because it will be too much for her mother and second, because she'll realize the life she is giving up to come take care of two very active, young children). 

I'm at a point of just telling him to go to hell, accept that I'll be losing my home, and just get a divorce. Since he told me this morning that 2 weeks ago he lost important papers from this new job and if they're not found he could lose his job and his career, there's a good chance I could be losing everything anyway. Am I being delusional in thinking that we can get through this? I know we should have gotten help a long time ago. Is it too late?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Paragraphs. Please.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, you guys have so many issues I don't even know where to start. If he won't attend counselling with you and isn't interested in trying to fix things, I'd be talking to a lawyer about a divorce. Bringing his mother in isn't going to help, I'd guess.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Letting his mother live with you will do far more harm then good. Don't even consider that.

Your husband has already left you. He's hardly home as it is.

check into a what you need to do to file for divorce.

When was the last time that you worked? You are going to need a job.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Wow, except for the mother thing, sounds very familiar to me. If I had to do it all over again, I would have left years ago. Take it from me, in 10, 15 or even 20 years from now you will still be in the same place. Nothing will change, except you and the kids will hate him.

Your house is nothing compared to you and your children's future.

And what happens when the moms money runs out and you are stuck with two delusional people, both telling you how everything is your fault?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KJS,

If you will edit your post and add breaks to form paragraphs more people will read your post. It's hard to read a wall of text.


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