# Strip clubs and marriage



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Hey guys, 
I had a very strange thing happen to me.
Went to strip club with hubby for 3rd time. He winded up turning his seat away from me and getting a 20 min lap dance from 1 lady while I was sitting next to him. When they were done, stripper came to me and said he said she told him she was beautiful and I am going to get jealous! I was very embarrassed and upset and told him "Lets go!" I am very hurt. We talked about it and he has apologized, but the night it happened he first denied saying it, then said he only tried to get her to leave and that he felt uncomfortable but didnt want to insult her. She wasnt even hot, but he did eventually admit that he said to her that she is looking good and needs to leave before i get jealous. I have always trusted him but now I feel my trust is broken. He never behaved this way before. I am trying to get past it and I will, but I just need to vent my hurt and frustration. I only did this to make him happy and I feel that him whispering stuff like that to strippers is disrespectful and a 20 minute lap dance from the same person is crazy. I dont understand why he did this. He says he wanted me involved but he turned his chair away from me and I tried to give him privacy but clearly I made a mistake. I dont know if I should go back to these places with him anymore since he crossed the line. What do you guys think?

We were there to make him happy. It was our 3rd time. Never had any issues before. But thats because he has always been respectful and just kind've watched and talked to girls together with me. I was trying to spice up our marriage. We have been together over 10 years and he hadn't been there since we got married. 

So now I am obsesses with this and need to talk to someone. Do I go back there and give him a chance to behave correctly or should I shut it down all together. He really likes going and I would never allow him to go without me.

One thing I am upset about is that I didn't get involved. I feel like I could've jumped in and said something, but I didn't want to embarrass him or myself and I was trying to let him have some fun. It boggles my mind he did this, sorry.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You're going to strip clubs for him? 

Thats the start of the problem right there. You are doing something you do not care to do, but only doing it because its something he wants to do. You are compromising your beliefs or how you feel for him. 

I believe in doing things for and with the people we love, and making sacrifices sometimes because we love the person etc. HOWEVER, I also think there comes a time where you have to set boundaries. There are some things IMO that you just don't do. 

If you do not want to go to the strip clubs, you need to tell him. If you figure he is going to go anyway, then let him. Then decide what you want to do with your marriage. Its really all in what you are willing to allow or not.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Nope, if he's going to go with you he has to be with you.

He was trying to act like you weren't even there so I'd kill the whole strip club thing.

It's a shame that he has a wife secure enough to want to have that kind of fun with him and can't respect you for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd never go with my husband to look at naked women. I would find it degrading not only to the women on stage but myself as well. And to get a lap dance? Wtf? You need to really draw up your boundaries. Do not go back.

My husband isn't into that anyway, so I don't need to worry.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Do you or do you not want to go to strip clubs with him? I'm meaning, do you want to go because YOU want to, not because HE wants you to?

My guess is once you nix the strip club thing, IF its something he truly enjoys he will likely go, without your knowledge. Or perhaps you will know and he will not care. If that is the case then you have a even bigger issue on your hands. Apparently he doesn't care anyway to do what he did with you right there.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

To be honest, there is no real desire to go to strip clubs at all. I do however have a desire to please him. I really love him and try my best to make him happy. The first time we went I was forced into it because it was a friends birthday party that the wife planned!!! After going, I didnt think it was that bad if I was there. I must say to the women out there, not all strip clubs are alike. This particular club is wild, I mean anything goes, touching is ok. So those of you who think its ok for your man to go alone, would be terrified if they saw what I saw.
In general though, it is an aphrodisiac. After going the previous two times, I was very aroused when I got home and he had a great night. Something about all that sexuality can be arousing. But the strippers themselves do nothing for me.

But my hubby says its entertaining. We tried a different club that was more in line with the safe clubs most people think about where thee is just a dancer on stage and thats it. We had a good time and he was very happy so we went a 3rd time back to the original place where it is wild and the friend had a party. He solicited them to give him a dance, which is ok because usually its like 1 or 2 min and they go. But of course, you see what happened to me.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wanting to please your husband doesn't mean you have to allow him lap dances...especially in front of you. Nor does it mean sacrificing your boundaries.

If he wanted to cheat, would you let him just to please him?


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

sharonND said:


> I do however have a desire to please him.
> 
> 
> But my hubby says its entertaining.
> ...



There are other ways to please him.

There are other forms of entertainment.

Is it, or is it not ok? I'm getting mixed messages. You can't say you don't care for the strip clubs and what he did, but then turn around and say it was OK because the lap dance lasted 1 or 2 mins. Its either ok or not ok that he got a lap dance.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

That Girl, yes you are right. I never agreed to this lap dance stuff, he just did it. We talked about it before which is the odd part. He just felt adventurous I guess. The lap dances are usually harmless, but again, this night got wild.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Trey69,
Getting a lap dance was not the issue. Getting a 20 minute lap dance from same girl and telling her she looks good and I am going to be jealous is the issue. I am an attractive woman. She was not. If he tells unattractive women they look better than me, I am gonna have a problem with it. 20 minute lap dances are crazy dont you think?


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

The craziest thing about the situation is my husband has NEVER made me feel insecure or not trust him before. He has always been the greatest husband in the world. He was so happy that I went to the strip club with him. I just wanted to make him really happy again. Sheesh, I feel like an idiot.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

sharonND said:


> Trey69,
> Getting a lap dance was not the issue. Getting a 20 minute lap dance from same girl and telling her she looks good and I am going to be jealous is the issue. I am an attractive woman. She was not. If he tells unattractive women they look better than me, I am gonna have a problem with it. 20 minute lap dances are crazy dont you think?


The main issue is really being at the strip club period. I mean lap dances regardless of their length of time, is what goes on there sometimes. 

You should have a problem with it. The man who claims to love you is at the strip club getting a lap dance with you right there. Some how I guess in his mind he sees that as being ok. 

Does he know you do not really care to be there at the clubs? Or have you given him the impression that you like going with him, even though you really don't like it?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Hey guys,
> I had a very strange thing happen to me.
> Went to strip club with hubby for 3rd time. He winded up turning his seat away from me and getting a 20 min lap dance from 1 lady while I was sitting next to him. When they were done, stripper came to me and said he said she told him she was beautiful and I am going to get jealous! I was very embarrassed and upset and told him "Lets go!" I am very hurt. We talked about it and he has apologized, but the night it happened he first denied saying it, then said he only tried to get her to leave and that he felt uncomfortable but didnt want to insult her. She wasnt even hot, but he did eventually admit that he said to her that she is looking good and needs to leave before i get jealous. I have always trusted him but now I feel my trust is broken. He never behaved this way before. I am trying to get past it and I will, but I just need to vent my hurt and frustration. I only did this to make him happy and I feel that him whispering stuff like that to strippers is disrespectful and a 20 minute lap dance from the same person is crazy. I dont understand why he did this. He says he wanted me involved but he turned his chair away from me and I tried to give him privacy but clearly I made a mistake. I dont know if I should go back to these places with him anymore since he crossed the line. What do you guys think?
> 
> ...


Lap dances are a whole other level. It is equivalent in my opinion to him taking you out dancing, you grinding on a guy for 20 minutes and the guy coming over to you and saying your wife told me I was hot.

Boundaries.

Do His Needs Her Needs together and establish agreed upon boundaries. From your post it sounds like his very first lapdance with you there was a 20 minute lap dance. 

So does he go to the strip club without you?

I know some coules go to strip clubs together and make it work for them. There is probably much more to your story of how you ended up going to the strip club to begin with.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Trey, after yelling and threatening to beat him up, he says he understands now that I did it to make him happy and he says he understands he messed up.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Entropy,
We talked about strip clubs after the first time. I thought I made the boundaries very clear. I told him he must stay with me at all times and can only get a lap dance if I allow it. He doesnt go to strip clubs without me and hadnt been to one since we got together (dating). He had been there of course as a single man before me. The night in question he got one very short lap dance like 1 min, then this girl. It seemed like they had some kind of connection going on. No one gets 20 min lap dances. He didnt even pay a lot for this. He only gave her a few dollars. Its crazy really. She mustve liked him I guess.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Entropy,
> We talked about strip clubs after the first time. I thought I made the boundaries very clear. I told him he must stay with me at all times and can only get a lap dance if I allow it. He doesnt go to strip clubs without me and hadnt been to one since we got together (dating). He had been there of course as a single man before me. The night in question he got one very short lap dance like 1 min, then this girl. It seemed like they had some kind of connection going on. No one gets 20 min lap dances. He didnt even pay a lot for this. He only gave her a few dollars. Its crazy really. She mustve liked him I guess.


She was getting off on trying to make you jealous. At any rate he crossed a boundary but they were too gray in that you were ok with lap dances you approved. So it was not the boundary of no lap dances. If you continue to go then try that boundary. That said, I think you can check this activity off the list and say that is dod not work out. You should also set a boundary on him going. Like not at all or no lap dances.

I went to strip clubs many years ago when I was in the Navy. I was very young. Now I consider them disrespectful to my wife and not something I would want to do anyway. Strippers are a real turn off for me. I feel sorry for them frankly.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

I wish my hubby felt that way. The club we went to is a crazy club, The women run around and hump on every one for free with the hopes they will get tips. My hubby said that even though we never agreed to him getting lap dances that he cant stop women from humping on him. In this case, he solicited this and every time I looked back to see what was going on, he was happy and smiling. So, when he said he told the girl this to get her to leave, I was confused. I said, if you wanted her to leave you shouldn't have been smiling and egging her on. He claims he stopped tipping but she wouldnt leave until he made that statement to her.

If he never told her that, I would feel a little uncomfortable but to add insult to injury? I am just so surprised at him. I think he took me for granted. There were tons of couples there and the men were just chilling. But my hubby was getting a 20 min lap dance in a spot where 1 to 2 min is the norm. FYI, this lap dance included breasts in the face and flashing vagina.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Trey, after yelling and threatening to beat him up, he says he understands now that I did it to make him happy and he says he understands he messed up.


Wow this whole thing doesn't good at all. :scratchhead:


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, I was crying and everything. In the heat of us arguing he said if I cant handle the strip club I shouldn't be there and I was ready to knock his head off. I said you shouldn't be there if you cant handle it. He says he didnt mean that and he sees now that I was doing this all for him and he messed up.

Needless to say, I can't seem to let this go. I am just so bothered by his behavior and then his lying afterwards. I keep bringing it up. I am trying to get past it. I don't want to beat a dead horse. He has apologized and claims he wont do it again, but man how do I let this go?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sharonND said:


> I wish my hubby felt that way. The club we went to is a crazy club, The women run around and hump on every one for free with the hopes they will get tips. My hubby said that even though we never agreed to him getting lap dances that he cant stop women from humping on him. In this case, he solicited this and every time I looked back to see what was going on, he was happy and smiling. So, when he said he told the girl this to get her to leave, I was confused. I said, if you wanted her to leave you shouldn't have been smiling and egging her on. He claims he stopped tipping but she wouldnt leave until he made that statement to her.
> 
> If he never told her that, I would feel a little uncomfortable but to add insult to injury? I am just so surprised at him. I think he took me for granted. There were tons of couples there and the men were just chilling. But my hubby was getting a 20 min lap dance in a spot where 1 to 2 min is the norm. FYI, this lap dance included breasts in the face and flashing vagina.


A man can indeed stop women from humping on him. If all else fails ... you leave.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You've got to set boundaries with him. Firm ones, that let him know that this type of behaviour is NOT ok. Lapdances? You may as well just give him license to cheat. Giving an inch and taking a mile and all that...


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Needless to say, I can't seem to let this go. I am just so bothered by his behavior and then his lying afterwards. I keep bringing it up. I am trying to get past it. I don't want to beat a dead horse. He has apologized and claims he wont do it again, but man how do I let this go?


IMO, I think as long as he continues to go to these strip clubs with or without you, this is how its going to be. 

If he were to say to you, "lets go out Friday night to the strip club." Are you going to go? 

The best way to maybe get past it, is for neither of you to go.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Calla, I have been thinking about this. I think that we probably shouldn't go since hes proven he doesn't know how to act. But psychologically I was wondering if maybe if I did go and he behaved, that it may help me get past this. As you women know, as women, sometimes we get obsessed with something. I just need to get past this and its very hard. I am terrified now. I don't trust him. Thankfully he never goes out alone we are always together. But this may have turned me into a crazy person, lol.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

I am glad to know I wasn't overreacting. I am hoping that no married man would behave such as this. I think that any man who has a beautiful wife that will go to a strip club with him, should not mess that up. I just cant understand what man would do this and think its ok.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If you don't like going to strip clubs then you shouldn't go. You already went 3 times even though you say you don't care for them.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

On the upside, sometimes the hooker dies.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Needless to say, I can't seem to let this go. I am just so bothered by his behavior and then his lying afterwards. I keep bringing it up. I am trying to get past it. I don't want to beat a dead horse. He has apologized and claims he wont do it again, but man how do I let this go?


Maybe you need to sit down with him and say:

"You know I think this whole strip club thing has caused a rift in our marriage. I really don't want that. I love you, so lets not go anymore."

Then just see what he says.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Well I asked him if he could live with not going anymore and he was silent. But he said if that's what I need, then he will do it. So in other words, he still wants to go. But he will NEVER be able to go without me. But you all are correct in saying it is probably best we don't go. We have been great for 10 years and now this. We will have to find something else to do, lol.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He can't stop them from humping on him?

:rofl:

Wow. He must be so passive.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

He's full of crap. I told him there were so many things he could've done. He is not passive. He enjoyed it and is trying to make excuses as men do when they mess up.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

sharonND said:


> The club we went to is a crazy club, The women run around and hump on every one for free with the hopes they will get tips.
> 
> My hubby said that even though we never agreed to him getting lap dances that he cant stop women from humping on him.


:lol:


They run around and hump people? Sounds like maybe that place needs to be shut down. 

He can't control them from humping him? Sure he can, he can not go. Or he can go to a club where they don't run around humping.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Jamison,
LOL, we went to a regular strip club and I could tell it was boring for him. I had a great time at the regular strip club because no one did anything crazy nor was it allowed and they actually were very respectful. After that he of course opted for the wild place.

All you women out there who think your man going to a strip club is harmless, should check out the club. Some are very harmless, some are very dangerous. This club we went to is very wild and men can do whatever they want in there. And it was completely nude.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Do any men out there think what my hubby did was ok?


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Do any men out there think what my hubby did was ok?


I'm sure there are, and they're probably scrambling as we speak, to find out which strip club it is....:rofl:

Why don't you two file this one under 'it seemed like a good idea at the time' and go find something else to do. There are plenty of other activities that don't involve naked women grinding and humping your husband. Like naked men, grinding and humping all over you! :lol:


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Candiegirl, lol.
Yes I agree. But I just cant help feeling that I can't trust this man anymore. I have trusted him for over 10 years and now I don't trust him. That's just so hard for me. Like I literally would never let him go out alone. That's how I feel right now. I mean of course he has to go to work and stuff, but he's just not the man I thought he was and that's the hardest part about all of this.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Candiegirl, lol.
> Yes I agree. But I just cant help feeling that I can't trust this man anymore. I have trusted him for over 10 years and now I don't trust him. That's just so hard for me. Like I literally would never let him go out alone. That's how I feel right now. I mean of course he has to go to work and stuff, but he's just not the man I thought he was and that's the hardest part about all of this.


Why did he all of a sudden want to start going to strip clubs?


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't mean to poke fun...I do know how hard it is to trust a man, a problem I've had all my life! I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes. I'm not a big fan of strip clubs, porn, or the likes...But it's not like you can forbid someone to go somewhere...all you can really do is tell him the truth about how this makes you feel. If he goes ahead and keeps on visiting this club, unfortunately, that will tell you all you need to know.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Jamison,
His friends are why we went. We NEVER would have even went had it not been for his friends wife throwing a birthday party there. They dont have a good marriage either which is the crazy part. I never wanted to go but was forced to by my husband. I think had that not happened maybe I would have went, but it never came up before and then all of a sudden, my husband loves strip clubs. My husband did not have a bachelor party and has not been to a strip club since we started dating. It just creeped up. I think from watching tv and the internet he started getting curious, I dont know.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I don't mean to poke fun...I do know how hard it is to trust a man, a problem I've had all my life! I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes. I'm not a big fan of strip clubs, porn, or the likes...But it's not like you can forbid someone to go somewhere...all you can really do is tell him the truth about how this makes you feel. If he goes ahead and keeps on visiting this club, unfortunately, that will tell you all you need to know.


Candie,
He doesn't go to strip clubs. He only went with me. He will not be visiting the club alone ever. I told him if he ever goes without me, the marriage is over. I hate to be like that but I am a really good catch in my opinion and after all of this, if he were to go to a strip club without me, I could never trust him and it would kill me wondering if he semi cheated on me. I couldn't take it. I know people who have been cheated on and it is a horrible thing to swallow. Maybe I wouldn't leave, but in the end it would destroy the marriage. I couldn't go through anything like this again.

He told me that if he were single, he wouldnt have had an issue with what happened. He's crazy I think.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I don't mean to poke fun...I do know how hard it is to trust a man, a problem I've had all my life! I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes. I'm not a big fan of strip clubs, porn, or the likes...But it's not like you can forbid someone to go somewhere...all you can really do is tell him the truth about how this makes you feel. If he goes ahead and keeps on visiting this club, unfortunately, that will tell you all you need to know.


Another thing, he kind of implied to me that his friend had a really cool, secure wife by doing that for him. I think he tricked me into thinking that I wasn't cool if I didn't allow this.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Maybe you need to sit down with him and say:
> 
> "You know I think this whole strip club thing has caused a rift in our marriage. I really don't want that. I love you, so lets not go anymore."
> 
> Then just see what he says.


:iagree: This sounds like the best plan.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Do any men out there think what my hubby did was ok?


:rofl:


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Another thing, he kind of implied to me that his friend had a really cool, secure wife by doing that for him. I think he tricked me into thinking that I wasn't cool if I didn't allow this.


I bet he was lying.

ALWAYS trust your gut. Who cares what the Jones' are doing. It's not their marriage or self respect, it's yours.


----------



## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I agree with everyone else you shouldn't go back there or any strip club for that matter. 

Lord help my husband if he asks to go with or without me. 
I just wouldn't be OK with it at all for many reasons like feeling disrespected, degraded etc another reason is cause we work hard for our money and I'll be damned if he is going to give it to some random chick for shaking her jibblys for a few minutes.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A married man has no business getting a fully nude lap dance from someone who is not his wife. Sorry, that's just what I believe.


----------



## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> A married man has no business getting a fully nude lap dance from someone who is not his wife. Sorry, that's just what I believe.


You're like a guru


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

square1 said:


> You're like a guru


:scratchhead:

No, I'm just that girl.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

square1 said:


> I agree with everyone else you shouldn't go back there or any strip club for that matter.
> 
> Lord help my husband if he asks to go with or without me.
> I just wouldn't be OK with it at all for many reasons like feeling disrespected, degraded etc another reason is cause we work hard for our money and I'll be damned if he is going to give it to some random chick for shaking her jibblys for a few minutes.


I'm with you on this one...! Besides, where I live, it's downplayed prostitution...We have full contact lap dancing, those girls do just about anything. They even have private booths. What exactly do you think goes on in there?

I have an old friend who goes all the time. The same old schtick...he says he is sex starved at home, and his wife doesn't care if he goes, so he goes there to 'massage' the girls, who are all struggling young law/med students, by the way...Bullsh!t his wife 'doesn't care'. Any wife who doesn't care has a fricken screw loose. There's nothing 'cool' about it, either.


----------



## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

First let me say that I don't have a problem going to a strip club with my SO, HOWEVER I do have a problem with the total nude grinding for 20 minutes!

This may be inappropriate to ask but a total nude girl grinding on your husband with breasts in the face, who turn his chair away from you for 20 minutes- did he get off? Men are visual beings.

Not that makes any difference in the behavior but I am wondering why HE let it go on for so long. Unless he is totally oblivious to your feelings and felt that it was ok since you were sitting right there.

Your not wrong for feeling the way you do, I would too, and like I said, I don't mind going to a strip clubs. 

Sit down and talk to him, that's all you can do.

Good luck.


----------



## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> A married man has no business getting a fully nude lap dance from someone who is not his wife. Sorry, that's just what I believe.


:iagree:


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If you went the first time because of a friends party being there, then there was no need to return two more times. 

You were not forced to go to the one at the party either. Forced would be gun to head, put in car and driven there, with no way to get out the strip club.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Thank you guys so much for the replies. This is really helping me. I don't get it either. He actually said he was trying not to hurt the girls feelings so he didn't tell her to go, can you believe that? And I said, "oh so you care more about strippers feelings than your wife's?!!" I cant get the image out of my head either. It just drives me crazy to think that he thought what he did was going to be ok. I am telling you ladies, he was a model husband and has been for 10 years and then this. It's the biggest slap in the face ever.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> If you went the first time because of a friends party being there, then there was no need to return two more times.
> 
> You were not forced to go to the one at the party either. Forced would be gun to head, put in car and driven there, with no way to get out the strip club.


Calla, it was a very difficult situation where I was put on the spot in front of 20 people. You can pm me if you want more details but trust me, we agreed at home we weren't going and then in front of everyone he said we were. I could've acted like a fool and embarrassed both of us but I took one for the team. Maybe I should have acted like a fool and shut it down. Too little, too late. I was just trying to be a good wife and it backfired.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

sharonND said:


> . He actually said he was trying not to hurt the girls feelings so he didn't tell her to go, can you believe that? And I said, "oh so you care more about strippers feelings than your wife's?!!"
> 
> I am telling you ladies, he was a model husband and has been for 10 years and then this. It's the biggest slap in the face ever.


Yes, it does sound like he was more concerned about the strippers feelings than yours. I think that was apparent when he turned away from you to enjoy the lap dance. 

As far as he used to be a model husband. "Used to be" are the key words. IMO, he was possibly this way before and you didn't know it, OR something drastic changed for him to start liking strip clubs all of a sudden.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would have made the biggest stink if my husband tricked me like that. lol. I would have acted a fool and then some. Seriously.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Any particular reason, you are trying so hard to hold on to your husband? Has he done something before the whole strip club issue to make you feel like you need to compromise how you feel on certain issues, or to "take one for the team, instead of showing how you really felt? It isn't so much good wife/bad wife, as it is what you truly believe is right or wrong.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Calla, it was a very difficult situation where I was put on the spot in front of 20 people. You can pm me if you want more details but trust me, we agreed at home we weren't going and then in front of everyone he said we were. I could've acted like a fool and embarrassed both of us but I took one for the team. Maybe I should have acted like a fool and shut it down. Too little, too late. I was just trying to be a good wife and it backfired.


Dollars to doughnuts, you'd have been applauded by all the wives in that group if you'd stood up and said "Like phuck we're going, pal!"...that's the problem with this, you made a concession to be 'cool' like all the other wives who 'let' their husbands go to strip clubs, when in reality, all those other couples have probably been fighting about it like cats and dogs too. By agreeing to go the once, you opened the door just a crack, but hubs is pushing his way through.

I have a policy with my H. If I don't like something, or it makes me even one BIT uncomfortable, no matter what it is, I tell him right away. That way, I will never hear "Oh, you were OK with it last time...". It goes the opposite way, too, of course.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Dollars to doughnuts, you'd have been applauded by all the wives in that group if you'd stood up and said "Like phuck we're going, pal!"...that's the problem with this, you made a concession to be 'cool' like all the other wives who 'let' their husbands go to strip clubs, when in reality, all those other couples have probably been fighting about it like cats and dogs too. By agreeing to go the once, you opened the door just a crack, but hubs is pushing his way through.
> 
> *I have a policy with my H. If I don't like something, or it makes me even one BIT uncomfortable, no matter what it is, I tell him right away.* That way, I will never hear "Oh, you were OK with it last time...". It goes the opposite way, too, of course.


Excellent!!! Very good policy. :iagree:


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Any particular reason, you are trying so hard to hold on to your husband? Has he done something before the whole strip club issue to make you feel like you need to compromise how you feel on certain issues, or to "take one for the team, instead of showing how you really felt? It isn't so much good wife/bad wife, as it is what you truly believe is right or wrong.


Actually yes, he had made comments about certain women care about pleasing their husband and stuff of that nature. We have had a great marriage, but I am very strong minded and opinionated and have bee trying to tone it down because my hubby doesnt like it. I think as we get older, we tend to calm down anyway. I just truly had no idea he would do this. Had I known I would have never entertained this. He really made me believe it would be fine. When we were there with friends he didn't do anything wrong at all.

I think kim kardashian and the rest of these tv hoes are making the regular womans life miserable. Maybe he wants a hoe instead of a wife? Who knows, lol.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Excellent!!! Very good policy. :iagree:


I did tell him originally that I hate strip clubs and don't want to go, but he has wanted to go for some time and I finally gave in. He wants what he wants. But things are going to change around here.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sharonND said:


> I did tell him originally that I hate strip clubs and don't want to go, *but he has wanted to go for some time and I finally gave in*. He wants what he wants. But things are going to change around here.


Oooh nip that fast. You don't want that pattern in your relationship.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

The funny thing is some of his friends have disclosed how they have cheated on their significant other in strip clubs yet most women I know think its no big deal. I think we as women don't realize what is really going on. Some places are ok but a strip club is really no place for a committed man to be without his women or with his women in my case, lol. Wherever there are hoes running around there is going to be the possibility of bad behavior. It apparently takes too much for men to respect their wives in the heat of the moment, lol.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Its probably best to get you a sex board game and play if you both want entertainment. 

Stay out of the clubs. Next thing you know he might want to try swinging.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Its probably best to get you a sex board game and play if you both want entertainment.
> 
> Stay out of the clubs. Next thing you know he might want to try swinging.


LOL, somehow I think he definitely would love that, LOL.


----------



## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

sharonND said:


> I think we as women don't realize what is really going on.


I may not know for sure but i can take a damn good guess and thats why my husband ain't going.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I have a policy with my H. If I don't like something, or it makes me even one BIT uncomfortable, no matter what it is, I tell him right away. That way, I will never hear "Oh, you were OK with it last time...". It goes the opposite way, too, of course.


Dr. Harley, the author of His Needs, Her Needs, recommends what he calls the 1. Policy of Joint Agreement and 2. Policy of Care.

1. POJA means that neither spouse will EVER do anything without and enthusiastic agreement from the other. This means that you won't do anything that your spouse doesn't know about nor will they be displeased with what you do. This may mean that negotiations are necessary. I like this because you it means their is the need for compromise quite often. If you do what your spouse disapproves of or dislikes, isn't that being disrespectful anyway?

2. POC means you do all you can to never be the source of your spouses displeasure. If there is a POJA, this shouldn't happen. 

I wish I'd known these things before I married. We live and we learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

If I told my friends, they wouldn't believe it. My husband has that good of a reputation. Man, these men.......
I dont know what has happened. I asked him if there are some things I need to work on or if he was unhappy sexually and he says he has everything he wants, but its just entertainment. A man who claims he has everything he wants and does this, I guess I cant win.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Look at it this way, you both will not be visiting the strip clubs anymore. For a friends party or just for entertainment value. So now is a chance for both of you to start fresh, without the strip club/lap dances being an issue.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Look at it this way, you both will not be visiting the strip clubs anymore. For a friends party or just for entertainment value. So now is a chance for both of you to start fresh, without the strip club/lap dances being an issue.


Except that I don't trust him anymore.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Except that I don't trust him anymore.


Trust can be rebuilt. It will take time though, wont happen overnight. He needs to prove to you that he will not be attending those clubs.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sharonND said:


> The funny thing is some of his friends have disclosed how they have cheated on their significant other in strip clubs yet most women I know think its no big deal. *I think we as women don't realize what is really going on.* Some places are ok but a strip club is really no place for a committed man to be without his women or with his women in my case, lol. Wherever there are hoes running around there is going to be the possibility of bad behavior. It apparently takes too much for men to respect their wives in the heat of the moment, lol.


No, YOU don't know what's going on. I am well aware. My roommate in college was a stripper. 

A respectful man wouldn't put himself in that situation to begin with.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> No, YOU don't know what's going on. I am well aware. My roommate in college was a stripper.
> 
> A respectful man wouldn't put himself in that situation to begin with.


LOL, what did she tell you exactly. Great for you. Every woman I know thinks strip clubs are no big deal. I am so glad that not every one is that naive. You rock! Yes, you are right, I was in the dark and now I am in the light. I am glad to have experienced this because now he will NEVER be able to go to one again.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sharonND said:


> LOL, what did she tell you exactly. Great for you. Every woman I know thinks strip clubs are no big deal. I am so glad that not every one is that naive. You rock! Yes, you are right, I was in the dark and now I am in the light. I am glad to have experienced this because now he will NEVER be able to go to one again.


I can't believe that every woman you know thinks strip clubs are ok. :scratchhead:

My roommate quit after 3 months. I'm surprised she lasted that long. Made good money though.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I can't believe that every woman you know thinks strip clubs are ok. :scratchhead:
> 
> My roommate quit after 3 months. I'm surprised she lasted that long. Made good money though.


Yes and these woman are also ones that their men cheat. Not all of them, but yes its crazy isnt it? One friend of mine even lets her husband go out of state to strip clubs and bachelor parties. She says its no big deal. I thought that was crazy when I heard it. She has never been to one. I know he is cheating. It's not like the men are having sex in there, but blow jobs apparently happen there according to the men I have talked to. And as we see with my hubby, nude women rubbing their parts on you is also happening at some establishments.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sharonND said:


> I did tell him originally that I hate strip clubs and don't want to go, but he has wanted to go for some time and I finally gave in. *He wants what he wants.* But things are going to change around here.


This is why we set boundaries. You let him cross a known boundary for whatever reason. Since there was an original boundary it is easier to re-establish it. If you cannot trust him to keep the boundary I agree there are bigger issues. 

If the marriage is the #1 priority then he should have no issue. Just hold your boundaries.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Yes and these woman are also ones that their men cheat. Not all of them, but yes its crazy isnt it? One friend of mine even lets her husband go out of state to strip clubs and bachelor parties. She says its no big deal.


Its possibly "Not a big deal" because maybe she is out doing the same thing or she is so disconnected form the marriage, she no longer cares.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Yes and these woman are also ones that their men cheat. Not all of them, but yes its crazy isnt it? One friend of mine even lets her husband go out of state to strip clubs and bachelor parties. She says its no big deal. I thought that was crazy when I heard it. She has never been to one. I know he is cheating. It's not like the men are having sex in there, but blow jobs apparently happen there according to the men I have talked to. And as we see with my hubby, nude women rubbing their parts on you is also happening at some establishments.


Classy.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

clear heels and dead eyes, single moms and ex meth head lesbians. daddy didn't love you enough. sweat, stretch marks, desperation and contempt.

pinch me I'm dreamin.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> clear heels and dead eyes, single moms and ex meth head lesbians. daddy didn't love you enough. sweat, stretch marks, desperation and contempt.
> 
> pinch me I'm dreamin.


Same with porn. A turn on, right?


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> clear heels and dead eyes, single moms and ex meth head lesbians. daddy didn't love you enough. sweat, stretch marks, desperation and contempt.
> 
> pinch me I'm dreamin.


LOL, my hubby loves it. Says its like being a millionaire when he goes in there.

I saw several similar threads on this website where the woman thought strip clubs were awesome and had no problems letting their men go. Hmm I want them to read this thread.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

sharonND said:


> LOL, my hubby loves it. Says its like being a millionaire when he goes in there.
> 
> I saw several similar threads on this website where the woman thought strip clubs were awesome and had no problems letting their men go. Hmm I want them to read this thread.


Just let him know that next Friday night you and your girlfriends are going out to a club, high heels, looks to kill and you will come home smelling of another man's scent and cologne and if he has a problem with it just let him know he made his bed.
If strip clubs are awesome and cool then the men who go to them should have no problem when the wives left at home decide f-this, I'm going out.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

He would never allow me to go out with friends dressed to kill. He says he is too jealous for that. He says he wont let me go see male strippers either. Yes, I am serious. I told him I will get him back and he says he wont care because he knows I am being spiteful. But he is very jealous.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sharonND said:


> He would never allow me to go out with friends dressed to kill. He says he is too jealous for that. He says he wont let me go see male strippers either. Yes, I am serious. I told him I will get him back and he says he wont care because he knows I am being spiteful. But he is very jealous.


:scratchhead:

Allow? But he's allowed to be grinded on by another woman...in front of your face.

He's a jerk. Sorry. And you seem to think this is all very funny with all your "LOLs". You have done this to yourself. I had to say it.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Same with porn. A turn on, right?


Yuk. Never been a porn consumer. To me it's like watching surgery.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

sharonND said:


> He would never allow me to go out with friends dressed to kill. He says he is too jealous for that. He says he wont let me go see male strippers either. Yes, I am serious. I told him I will get him back and he says he wont care because he knows I am being spiteful. But he is very jealous.


What a surprise that this jerk has a one sided relationship. You might want to give serious thought if you want to stay with someone who cares little about you and only about him.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Allow? But he's allowed to be grinded on by another woman...in front of your face.
> 
> He's a jerk. Sorry. And you seem to think this is all very very with all your "LOLs". You have done this to yourself. I had to say it.


That Girl,
That's a little harsh. I spent the weekend crying my eyes out and threatening to hurt my husband. I am trying to calm down and get past this. Trust you me, it hurts a lot and is very difficult and embarrassing to deal with. It's not a joke but some of the replies are a little funny. I came here to help calm myself down. Please don't think I am not taking this serious.

What my husband did was wrong whether anyone agrees with it or not. Its wrong because it hurt me and is disrespectful among other things. I am obsessed over it now and don't trust my husband. I want things to work out but this is how I feel right now. Please don't make me out to be the bad guy. I went there because the first 2 times my husband knew how to act. Then out of nowhere he straight disrespects me. Yes I wish I could take it back and never have been so naive but whats done is done. There are a lot of naive women out there who think there husband would never do such a thing, I am not the only one. Sadly, I am the only one who is mistaken.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sharonND said:


> That Girl,
> That's a little harsh. I spent the weekend crying my eyes out and threatening to hurt my husband. I am trying to calm down and get past this. Trust you me, it hurts a lot and is very difficult and embarrassing to deal with. It's not a joke but some of the replies are a little funny. I came here to help calm myself down. Please don't think I am not taking this serious.
> 
> *What my husband did was wrong whether anyone agrees with it or not. Its wrong because it hurt me and is disrespectful among other things. I am obsessed over it now and don't trust my husband.* I want things to work out but this is how I feel right now. Please don't make me out to be the bad guy. I went there because the first 2 times my husband knew how to act. Then out of nowhere he straight disrespects me. Yes I wish I could take it back and never have been so naive but whats done is done. There are a lot of naive women out there who think there husband would never do such a thing, I am not the only one. Sadly, I am the only one who is mistaken.


I agree with what you wrote there. Now, does he know it?

He's still a jerk, as harsh as that sounds. No man who respects his wife would behave this way. I am sorry you are hurt. You have every right to be angry, hurt, sad, etc. Now the question is, what will you do about it?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> Dr. Harley, the author of His Needs, Her Needs, recommends what he calls the 1. Policy of Joint Agreement and 2. Policy of Care.
> 
> 1. POJA means that neither spouse will EVER do anything without and enthusiastic agreement from the other. This means that you won't do anything that your spouse doesn't know about nor will they be displeased with what you do. This may mean that negotiations are necessary. I like this because you it means their is the need for compromise quite often. If you do what your spouse disapproves of or dislikes, isn't that being disrespectful anyway?
> 
> ...


Yes. These are awesome concepts. It simplifies and prevents so much of the drama we see.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Yes and these woman are also ones that their men cheat. Not all of them, but yes its crazy isnt it? One friend of mine even lets her husband go out of state to strip clubs and bachelor parties. She says its no big deal. I thought that was crazy when I heard it. She has never been to one. I know he is cheating. It's not like the men are having sex in there, but blow jobs apparently happen there according to the men I have talked to. And as we see with my hubby, nude women rubbing their parts on you is also happening at some establishments.


Just like many men on here think it is no big deal for their wives to go out on the prowl. Harmless fun.? Not so much.

So it comes down to your personal boundaries and not your friends boundaries.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sharonND said:


> That Girl,
> That's a little harsh. I spent the weekend crying my eyes out and threatening to hurt my husband. I am trying to calm down and get past this. Trust you me, it hurts a lot and is very difficult and embarrassing to deal with. It's not a joke but some of the replies are a little funny. I came here to help calm myself down. Please don't think I am not taking this serious.
> 
> What my husband did was wrong whether anyone agrees with it or not. Its wrong because it hurt me and is disrespectful among other things. I am obsessed over it now and don't trust my husband. I want things to work out but this is how I feel right now. Please don't make me out to be the bad guy. I went there because the first 2 times my husband knew how to act. Then out of nowhere he straight disrespects me. Yes I wish I could take it back and never have been so naive but whats done is done. There are a lot of naive women out there who think there husband would never do such a thing, I am not the only one. Sadly, I am the only one who is mistaken.


I think that was meant to be a bit of tough love. And I think there's some truth to it as well.

Doesn't make you the bad guy - and you aren't the only one who is mistaken - its not nearly that dramatic. But you may be making a mistake if you try too hard to appease your husband.

To think that he went from well-mannered boy to rude guy so quickly makes me think he's probably had a bit of practice in between. I'm also thinking that pure lack of opportunity may have kept him out of trouble the first couple of times.

You don't need to go back. He needs to somehow make amends. But YOU in the future need to be careful about "giving a moose a muffin."


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sharonND said:


> LOL, my hubby loves it. Says its like being a millionaire when he goes in there.
> 
> I saw several similar threads on this website where the woman thought strip clubs were awesome and had no problems letting their men go. Hmm I want them to read this thread.


Then he has relatively low self esteem IMHO. But whethwr that is true or not is not the issue. It is about respect for your partner.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I think that was meant to be a bit of tough love. And I think there's some truth to it as well.
> 
> Doesn't make you the bad guy - and you aren't the only one who is mistaken - its not nearly that dramatic. But you may be making a mistake if you try too hard to appease your husband.
> 
> ...


How can this be my fault? Lots of people were there with their spouse and they were fine. I guess the blame I take is not believing my husband could ever disrespect me. Yes I take blame for that, but going to a strip club with my husband out of love and trying to make him happy is not a bad thing. Had he behaved I wouldnt be here complaining about it. Please dont say that I gave him a muffin. He chose to behave badly. I didnt force it upon him. But in the end you guys are right, I think its best he not be in that environment. Yes he must be a wild freak, how could I not have known, lol.


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

On one hand, I think it would be interesting, fun and sexy to go to a strip club with my wife. on the other hand, I would not want to for exactly the reason that you describe. Eventually you will do something wrong and all hell will break loose. You said that he didn't ask for a 20 min lap dance and didn't pay for that long of a dance. Maybe she gave it to him because he was with a sexy woman and and that made him less threatening to her, more fun and maybe more attractive. Who knows? And complementing a stripper on her looks is just something guys do. It doesn't mean that he thinks his wife is less attractive.

If you want to go to strip clubs with your husband then go but don't get upset if he doesn't shoo away a free lengthened lap dance or if he tells a girl that she is good looking. Going to a strip club as a wife requires a bit of flexibility and 'cool'. not all women can do this so you certainly wouldn't be alone. I understand that rules are rules but you are going for fun. You can't tell a man that he can get a lap dance and then get upset when she continues it for 'too long' and he doesn't stop her. I would bet many women that go to strip clubs tell the strippers that they are beautiful. Men and women go to strip clubs to see beautiful women. I don't see the problem with telling a stripper she's beautiful when she's dancing for you.

The problem is that you are going with him when you don't really like it. If you aren't into it, you shouldn't go. Having you there is no fun for him if you don't like it and clearly it makes trouble for you so don't do it again.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm NOT saying this was your fault. I'm saying I would be careful next time you agree to do something - for HIM - that you aren't comfortable with. 

You said you are trying to loosen up. He thinks your too "strong" - or something similar. I don't remember the exact words - sorry. 

Given the way he acted, I get the idea that he guilted you into going.

He sounds like he's trying to bully you into being more open - sexually. And you sound like you want him to be happy. Can be a bad combination if you don't look after yourself and be sure to say "NO" from time to time.

Instead of reading "blame" - please read as "possible learning experience."

And yes - I could be TOTALLY off the mark here.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

couple said:


> On one hand, I think it would be interesting, fun and sexy to go to a strip club with my wife. on the other hand, I would not want to for exactly the reason that you describe. Eventually you will do something wrong and all hell will break loose. You said that he didn't ask for a 20 min lap dance and didn't pay for that long of a dance. Maybe she gave it to him because he was with a sexy woman and and that made him less threatening to her, more fun and maybe more attractive. Who knows? And complementing a stripper on her looks is just something guys do. It doesn't mean that he thinks his wife is less attractive.
> 
> If you want to go to strip clubs with your husband then go but don't get upset if he doesn't shoo away a free lengthened lap dance or if he tells a girl that she is good looking. Going to a strip club as a wife requires a bit of flexibility and 'cool'. not all women can do this so you certainly wouldn't be alone. I understand that rules are rules but you are going for fun. You can't tell a man that he can get a lap dance and then get upset when she continues it for 'too long' and he doesn't stop her. I would bet many women that go to strip clubs tell the strippers that they are beautiful. Men and women go to strip clubs to see beautiful women. I don't see the problem with telling a stripper she's beautiful when she's dancing for you.
> 
> The problem is that you are going with him when you don't really like it. If you aren't into it, you shouldn't go. Having you there is no fun for him if you don't like it and clearly it makes trouble for you so don't do it again.


That is a crazy post. You are missing the point. He has no right to tell a nude woman grinding on him that she looks so good his wife will be jealous. Mind you, he whispered this in her ear and she came to me and told me. She had no idea he was there with his wife. She kept apologizing to me because she felt bad about the whole thing. It sounds like you frequent the clubs and probably are misbehaving. The bottom line as a man that you should ask yourself is "would i be ok if my wife did this to me?" If the answer is no, then you shouldnt do it period. 20 minutes for one chick is crazy whether he asked for it or not. The problem is he didnt stop it. No one else in the club was getting 20 minute lap dances, if they were I wouldnt be complaining. And, whispering sweet nothings while your wife is next to you in insane. He turned around so she had no idea we were together.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I'm NOT saying this was your fault. I'm saying I would be careful next time you agree to do something - for HIM - that you aren't comfortable with.
> 
> You said you are trying to loosen up. He thinks your too "strong" - or something similar. I don't remember the exact words - sorry.
> 
> ...


Nice guy, I want to make my husband happy. Up to this point he was a great hubby and if I need to loosen up more, I am cool with that. This is why I did this. I don't feel I was guilted. I went there pure and simply to let him have a good time with me so we could go home and have a great time. It worked 2x before so I expected the same thing. He messed up. Thats the jist. Now I know better.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

How about we focus on getting past this. I have talked about it with him all weekend. Is that enough? I dont want to beat a dead horse.


----------



## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

What is he looking for in a strip club that he can't find at home with you?

I haven't been to such a place since in 20+ years. That was for a bachelor party and I've declined any and all invites since then to go to such a place. I actually felt sorry/bad for the women there and for the guys thrilled abot being there. Just a sad scenario in my mind.

How abot suprising him at home with you giving him a lap dance?


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes I will. I do stuff like that all the time. Everything they do, I do for him. But yes I guess he needs more.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Yardman said:


> What is he looking for in a strip club that he can't find at home with you?
> 
> I haven't been to such a place since in 20+ years. That was for a bachelor party and I've declined any and all invites since then to go to such a place. I actually felt sorry/bad for the women there and for the guys thrilled abot being there. Just a sad scenario in my mind.
> 
> How abot suprising him at home with you giving him a lap dance?


Man Yardman, I wish my hubby shared your sentiments.


----------



## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

If he is not satisfied with you doing those things for him, then he is an arsehole/jerk/creep and you may/probably never keep him happy.

How would he feel if you took him to see male strippers and had a lap dance or whatever the equivilant is from a male stripper? Then have the male stripper make remarks to him about being "inadequate"?


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

This stripper was not attractive which makes it all the more terrible.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sharon I'd like to offer another take on this. He took advantage of your liberality by getting his rocks off for 20 mins with his wife sitting right beside him. He forgot respect, gratitude for a little sizzle in the relationship and got greedy. Your idea was that there was something for both of you in the strip club thing - you get to have hot sex with your husband. Your husband thought about having hot sex for himself. 

I don't think the answer is that you need to do more for him to prevent him from being self- centered . Don't reward him for being selfish. You whent the extra mile doing something the average woman would not do with husbands. He is a lucky man, but instead of showing his appreciation of his wife he takes the opurtunity to have some private pleasure. 

Don't do any more special treats to make him happy at present. You are the one who needs to have your love bank filled. Let him work off the debt and then review things. The way you are going to get over this is to have him reassure you that he understands what he did was a slap in the face to a wife that was being very good to him. He should take stock. If you give him more you will resent him so don't do that. It is time fir him to go the extra mile for you then you will be able to move on. 

You have been far too accommodating and he does not appear to appreciate it, so stop. Don't try to please him so much let him do some work now to show you that he realizes that he has a special woman at his side. He has to make up with you. Don't give him cheap forgiveness, make him work he will respect you better and think 3 times before crossing the line. 

I would be very careful about indulging in male fantasies that have to do with you allowing him to come into proximity with OW. As you can see it is easy to get carried away and take advantage of the situation. Lines get blurred, he may think well if she lets me do this then she won't mind if I do that. When he is sxually arroused he will not be thinking of what you said was allowed and not allowed. Don't go there set firm bounderies, and stick to them. Don't go for the sleaze it taints things and fires the imagination in the wrong way. You two should spice it up concentrating on each other and make it mutual. Don't do things just for him, he will forget who brought him to the feast, as you can see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So what are your options? What do you want to do? What will makes this "better"?


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Thanks Catherine. I really liked your post.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> So what are your options? What do you want to do? What will makes this "better"?


I cant think straight until the anger and disappointment goes away. I told him yesterday I forgive him, but I dont anymore. I am mad and hes walking around like nothing happened. I just need some time to get over it I guess. Talking about it with you guys has been great therapy for me. I know that we need to stay out of those places period. We need to get back to where things were before the friends party. He needs to flush this out of his system for good.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You jumped the gun in saying you forgave him. 

You do need time, but not to get over it. That just tells him it's ok to do these things.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

sharonND said:


> How about we focus on getting past this. I have talked about it with him all weekend. Is that enough? I dont want to beat a dead horse.


I think you are having a hard time getting past this because your husband essentially betrayed you right in front of you and thought nothing of it. I think his defensive reaction, his grudging agreement to not go back (but that he still wanted to) are all very good reasons why you are not getting past this. It's because your husband truly doesn't get how deeply he hurt you or how destructive his behavior has been and will continue to be until he adjusts his attitude. 

There isn't a woman I know who would feel okay with what happened to you. In a way, it's like he semi-cheated on you right in front of you and then betrayed you even more by siding with the stripper instead of you. Many men get off on lap dances (meaning they come) so I wonder if that was what he was doing.

I am also troubled that you feel the need to please your husband so much that you are willing to do things that you don't want to do, that don't fit into your values, etc. I'm not sure your "great" marriage is so great after all.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

sharonND said:


> I cant think straight until the anger and disappointment goes away. I told him yesterday I forgive him, but I dont anymore. I am mad and hes walking around like nothing happened. I just need some time to get over it I guess. Talking about it with you guys has been great therapy for me. I know that we need to stay out of those places period. We need to get back to where things were before the friends party. He needs to flush this out of his system for good.


You gave him cheap forgiveness that's why you are still upset. I have a feeling you are very loving and appreciative of him and he may not be as appreciative of you. You dont ask much of him but you give a great deal. Well stop it if that is the case. That will make him selfish and entitled. 

There are a couple of component to be able to fully forgive. is that the transgressor realizes that what he/ she did was wrong and that their actions and deeds brought pain to another. The wrong- doer must then be willing to seek forgiveness by listening to the injured party and atoning. Doing what ever it takes to relieve the pain of the person that has been hurt. They have to be willing to walk in the pain they have caused. 

You made it seem like not a big deal so he is doing the same. He is probably ashamed of what he did and would sooner forget. The problem is that this is big and the way you handle this is a harbinger of the future. What he did was wrong on many levels, he took advantage of your liberal attitude to grab a little something, something. He forgot about his wife who was sitting right beside him because he was caught up in sexual pleasure. He showed a glaring lack of restraint and foresight. 

First calm down. Don't say anything until you think things out. You have to give him specific things that he needs to do to atone. Make it specific. You need to make it clears that you now realize that he is not the type of man that can handle situations that require control and consideration so you tell him that anything of this nature will no longer happen while he is married to you. No strip clubs under any circumstances. 

You may also be angry at yourself. You did something for your husband that you thought would bring you favor in his eyes not a slap in the face. In a way you had to expect him to go too far. By giving permission to look at and touch naked women you were giving him permission to cross the line in his head. Fantasy land endless naked women and his wife is cool with it. Playing into a man desire for variety by pushing his face into the cleavage of strippers is no way to spice things up. First of all it is one sided makes him think it is all about him which is just what he acted on. 

You are not having Just sex which is pleasure for the man using women, you are making love with your husband. Mutually satifying loving sexual pleasure for the man and woman. That means nay spice is geared towards both of you not him only. Make up you mind now to never let this happen again and make it clear to him that you made a mistake. He is not mature enough to take the lead here so you need to. 

Get back to basics. Tell him you want him to romance you to make you feel special just like you wanted to make him happy. Don't let this go, get it resolved and don't let up until you do. If you let this fester it will effect your ability to have sex with him. So if he wants to sweep it under the rug let him know that he may be sweeping his sex life along with it. 

You have to take some responsibility too. Not now so much but for the future. Don't do so much to please a man. Make them work for you, if you make too easy and give more than you get men put less value on you. Men like what is hard won, let him do nice things for you and only give what you get. That may sound mean but it will cause a lot less trouble. Nice girls finish last. You can't be too nice or accomadating. It helps to have an edge then he will know you are there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

As a wife myself, you sound like a great, loving, sexual wife yourself. try not to take this personally. Men's minds have boxes. they can have a work box, a chore box, a bill box, a family box, a friend box, a wife box and yes even a women box. it hurts for me to admit it. first of all as a married couple u shouldnt go to those places at all.It opens up to much temptation and arguments. It's not your husbands fault that he enjoyed the lap dance. If we , as women were honest with ourselves, we know of men in our lives who are super cute, sweet, great listeners,providers and so on who give us the same kind of satisfaction. Don't give up on your man. He loves u , but do clarify boundaries for your marriage.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

annagarret said:


> As a wife myself, you sound like a great, loving, sexual wife yourself. try not to take this personally. Men's minds have boxes. they can have a work box, a chore box, a bill box, a family box, a friend box, a wife box and yes even a women box. it hurts for me to admit it. first of all as a married couple u shouldnt go to those places at all.It opens up to much temptation and arguments. It's not your husbands fault that he enjoyed the lap dance. If we , as women were honest with ourselves, we know of men in our lives who are super cute, sweet, great listeners,providers and so on who give us the same kind of satisfaction. Don't give up on your man. He loves u , but do clarify boundaries for your marriage.


This is a load of horseshet.

Women always try to excuse crappy behaviour away just because he's a man. What he did was wrong and disrespectful. End of story.

A good man doesn't take his wife to a strip club and then get a 20 minute lap dance, back turned to his wife, and the stripper is buck naked. Sorry, no dice. It IS his fault. He allowed it to happen.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

couple said:


> On one hand, I think it would be interesting, fun and sexy to go to a strip club with my wife. on the other hand, I would not want to for exactly the reason that you describe. Eventually you will do something wrong and all hell will break loose. You said that he didn't ask for a 20 min lap dance and didn't pay for that long of a dance. Maybe she gave it to him because he was with a sexy woman and and that made him less threatening to her, more fun and maybe more attractive. Who knows? And complementing a stripper on her looks is just something guys do. It doesn't mean that he thinks his wife is less attractive.
> 
> If you want to go to strip clubs with your husband then go but don't get upset if he doesn't shoo away a free lengthened lap dance or if he tells a girl that she is good looking. Going to a strip club as a wife requires a bit of flexibility and 'cool'. not all women can do this so you certainly wouldn't be alone. I understand that rules are rules but you are going for fun. You can't tell a man that he can get a lap dance and then get upset when she continues it for 'too long' and he doesn't stop her. I would bet many women that go to strip clubs tell the strippers that they are beautiful. Men and women go to strip clubs to see beautiful women. I don't see the problem with telling a stripper she's beautiful when she's dancing for you.
> 
> The problem is that you are going with him when you don't really like it. If you aren't into it, you shouldn't go. Having you there is no fun for him if you don't like it and clearly it makes trouble for you so don't do it again.


:iagree: I have to agree with this read. You participated in this strip club trip x3 and now are upset because your husband got a lap dance in a strip club???? Who would have thought that would happen:rofl: I bet your husband is damn confused about the mixed messages this whole thing sent. Stop being angry, tell him this is no bueno and chalk it up to stupid things we do in our lives.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thought I would pipe in here. I go to the Strip Club with my husband from time to time. We only started doing this in our 40's, after being married for over 20 yrs though. He has never even experienced this in his younger years, though his flavor of porn has always been erotic dancing & poles. 

I used to be very conservative in my youth & would have frowned mightily on anything like this back then, He respected that & never went. But that changed a few yrs ago, we started going cause we both got a little more sexually wild in our 40's at my leading... I am not a wife who is against an "air grinding Strip club"- I enjoy it myself, and seeing him happy, I can understand your motives in going the 1st couple times. Don't blame yourself too much..... 

Sounds as though your husband was a MODEL loving husband in all respects-for the last 10 yrs - who knew. right ! This doesn't have to end in disaster and unforgiveness, I hope. We all do stupid things from time to time, get a little off track, learn something along the way. Learn we have a little more temptation in some areas than we realized, yeah sometimes we may even open a box that should have remained closed. Sounds like the 1st time , maybe 2nd, you both visited a TAMER club ...but he got "BORED"? 

Why would he get bored ? See, I would think the visual stimulation should be enough -it is very generous for any married woman to allow this. You will find that a very rare thing even on these open forums. 

But I agree with you, the Club you describe sounds much too WILD and his HIDING that fact you are his wife -- this was his 1st mistake. Do you feel that was *intentional *or just an oversight-yeah getting caught up in the moment, you know, some men just don't talk too much, they just go with the flow. His whispering in her ear about getting jealous, are you sure he meant it in the way it was relayed to you? The stripper who came to you, what do you feel was her motives in that ... Was it very obvious she was Concerned for YOU, feeling he was being inappropriate/ What was your husbands DEFENSE I wonder ? Did this woman truly care about YOU, how she felt you was being treated ...you got this vibe from her, from woman to woman?

If so, I can clearly see WHY you would be very HURT over this. Is it possible he just spoke carelessly and this spiraled out of control somehow. The thing that would bother me the most is the Touching /contact/grinding - the wildness of the atmosphere and if you feel he is getting an attachment to any one particular woman there? These places would never be good for an obsessive personality -or a sexually addictive man, would be like booze to the alcoholic. 

The 1st time we went, my husband pointed me out across the table to the stripper he fancied. It was his 1st time going and her 1st night, she remained his favorite until she moved away. He asked me if he could go back for a lap dance -that 1st night. I let him. It was a little weird at 1st but I kinda liked feeling a little jealous over my husband, I don't think I EVER felt that in all of our years together. In this club, every wife or GF is allowed to go back and watch the dance, though I never cared to do this when he gets his. I had my own motives for going, it wasn't all about him, my sex drive was higher than his and I could use all the help I could get ! 

I will admit the 2nd time we went, he seemed pretty wrapped up into watching & I felt he wasn't paying enough attention to me. His chair was in front of mine too, a friend mentioned "where is the kiss" when he got back from his dance, and my husband thought he meant the stripper, but our friend meant a kiss for ME! He just blew that off. I did make a little of an issue about feeling a tad neglected later that night & into the next day. My husband is on the quiet side to begin with. We talked it out, he had no idea I was feeling like that & was very apologetic, he reasoning was...He felt that was the last time he would get to go & he was "taking it all in".... He felt bad about it & didn't want to do anything to hurt me, and was very willing to never go back --but admitted he enjoys it ! I wanted his honesty, but still he He gave ME the choice. 

I personally did not want it to end that way, as my only issue was -"Hey, touch my leg, talk to me a little while we sit there, show I am with you" kinda thing, I was not jealous of his time getting a dance, or going up to the stage with his $1's for his favorite at all. And we've went back a good 7 or so times since then in the past 2 yrs - it has been an enjoyable experience for us. 

It sounds as though if you had remained at a place like this - rules of NO touching, you may still be enjoying it like your 1st coulple times, but boundaries were overstepped, feelings hurt, some wounds need healed now. 

I would ask...Is your husband going through a Mid life Crisis of sorts? Does he have an addictive personality? 

Do you feel he has HEARD you, deeply heard the WHY'S to your pain in this? or so far, have you & his communicating been more on the argumentative and defensive? Missing some of the careful listening to each side. With 10 wonderful years behind you, I am sure he is not fool enough to throw this all away. 

It all starts with communcation -to get past these things. I am hoping much of this is a misunderstanding, and he will apologize for his "in the heat of the sexual moment carelessness" and come to his senses and see what he has at home .


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't get all this excuse making for your husbands, ladies...obviously the stripper thing bothers (most) wives, I don't understand the rationale behind 'making him happy' by going with him, letting him get lap dances. What next, dropping him off at his lover's while you wait in the car? Come on...!


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

KanDo said:


> :iagree: I have to agree with this read. You participated in this strip club trip x3 and now are upset because your husband got a lap dance in a strip club???? Who would have thought that would happen:rofl: I bet your husband is damn confused about the mixed messages this whole thing sent. Stop being angry, tell him this is no bueno and chalk it up to stupid things we do in our lives.


Kando, you totally missed the point of the thread. I wish thats all it was. He had a lap dance before this woman for like 3 min and I was cool with that. BUT I actually had told him no lap dances unless initiated by me after the first time he went. 

As a man, you need to understand something: if you need to go to these places and your wife is nice enough to go with you, you should go out of your way not to do anything to make her feel disrespected, you should want her to enjoy herself there so you don't get in trouble when you get home. Its very simple. The men who understand this are having the time of their lives.

He messed up. He admits he messed up. He wouldnt like it if I did it to him and at the end of the day, therein lies the issue. And whispering in her ear was the icing on the cake. He actually admitted he didn't know she would tell me. He shouldn't do things if he wouldn't like the consequences of getting caught.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

You both had a hand in this situation and how it played out. 

If you choose to go again, go where its not such a "wild club". Make boundaries clear to him as far as lap dances etc. If he crosses them, then set your consequence, and follow through with it. 

OR

You could both not go to those kinds of clubs again, and you wouldn't have to worry about what may or may not happen. 

Stay home, give him your own lap dance.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Buy a stripper pole. Take some lessons. Have stripper night at home with your husband.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

entropy3000 said:


> buy a stripper pole. Take some lessons. Have stripper night at home with your husband.


so much fun!


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> Buy a stripper pole. Take some lessons. Have stripper night at home with your husband.


Hey - that whole "how do I feel better about this" thing?

Make HIM give YOU a personal dance! Or make him clean the kitchen while wearing a thong and dancing around to you some sexy, up-tempo music!

(if you really, really want to feel better - secretly tape it and put in on youtube!)

I know you said to let this thing die - but I agree with Catherine above who said you offered him "cheap forgivenss." What a great term. You wanted to move past it - but apparently you really haven't dealt with it.

Sometimes the people we love hurt us and it just takes a little time to truly forgive them for it.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> so much fun!


I actually joke with my wife that I am going to do this. Even where in the living room where I think we should put it ....


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So he's sorry he got caught? That's what that sounded like to me. ...He doesn't like the consequence of getting caught....hrmmm


----------



## squirrel211 (Sep 7, 2011)

I read almost the entire thread looking for the "guy" perspective, and I never really saw it. So, here's my 2 cents:

The banter with strippers, and the stories that result are what makes going to a strip club fun. It has nothing to do with getting a lap dance, or cheating of your spouse. If you need more sexual interaction, you're probably online, or trolling bars.

Your reaction is rooted in other things. You have issues going on in your marriage that need to be addressed, and they do not involve strip clubs.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Squirrel you are very interesting. I am curious if you are married and if so what your spouse thinks about you. Your posts have a condescending tone all the time so I gather you probably annoy the heck out of whoever deals with you on a daily basis.

The last line of your post is key, but I still think what my hubby did was wrong and thats all that matters. I sleep well at night knowing that I dont do things to make my husband jealous. I am not saying I am Angelina Jolie, but I am a very good looking woman and could really have fun with it but I don't because I know making my husband jealous is not healthy for the relationship. Its a shame he doesnt have the same value system as me.


----------



## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

This indeed takes the cake.


----------



## squirrel211 (Sep 7, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Squirrel you are very interesting. I am curious if you are married and if so what your spouse thinks about you. Your posts have a condescending tone all the time so I gather you probably annoy the heck out of whoever deals with you on a daily basis.
> 
> The last line of your post is key, but I still think what my hubby did was wrong and thats all that matters. I sleep well at night knowing that I dont do things to make my husband jealous. I am not saying I am Angelina Jolie, but I am a very good looking woman and could really have fun with it but I don't because I know making my husband jealous is not healthy for the relationship. Its a shame he doesnt have the same value system as me.


Sharon, sometimes tone is read into posts/text messages, and I fear that you are focusing on what you perceive is my tone rather than the intended message. 

I certainly don't know you, or your husband, so take these posts for what they're worth, i.e. not much! When I read the problems that you are having, I find myself seeking the causes. You can treat a sore throat with a lozenge, but the cause could be strep throat, post nasal drip, or yelling too much at a party the night before. You're telling us you have a sore throat, but in order to properly advise you, we need to know why.

As to my personal life, I am married! Expecting my first baby in late spring. I am laid back in general, but I will admit that relationships in general are bothersome to me. I see so many people fill their relationships with drama and head games, when a simple line of communication and some good looks in the mirror would leave both much happier. But it's easier to see these things from the outside looking in.


----------



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Squirrel, your last paragraph is spot on! Sorry if I misread you. Congrats on the baby!


----------

