# Odd Reaction to Odd Night



## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

Last night was poker night at my house -- two of my husband's long-time friends and two newer friends from his work. Not my favorite way to spend an evening, but I had made snacks, asked when they wanted beers, tried to dress cute for him, etc.

About two hours into it, I was picking up plates and putting down new snacks and they were laughing and having fun and I noticed my husband was almost out of chips. I remarked, "Someone's not playing his cards very well." And our old time friends laughed but one of his new work friends reacted odd. My husband's reaction was mixed -- initial laughter but then subdued as if trying to read how others reacted. I heard muffled discussion as I headed back into the kitchen but just shrugged it off as a comment that fell a bit flat.

About a minute later, my husband strides into the kitchen -- which is out of view from where they were playing but not out of earshot - grabs me by the wrist, leans in and says in a low but threatening tone, "New rule. Speak when spoken to." I guess I smiled and started to laugh in disbelief, and next thing I knew he had turned me sideways with a twist of my wrist and spanked me -- HARD. He said, "Remember your place" and left to go back to the game.

I got the silent treatment the rest of the night and every time I started to open my mouth, he just glared at me and raised an eyebrow.

(to be continued -- can't finish now, sorry)


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Does he normally react to situations like that? That is just awful, I would have freaked out and possibly called the cops if a man threatened me in that manner.

It was totally uncalled for, incredibly disrespectful towards you and IMO abusive.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You gotta be sh**ting me!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Tell him " I know my place well DH!" and it ain't the doormat. Then tell him I hope you sleep well tonight!!!!

Jeez guys like that take the fun out of a good spanking!!!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

interlocutor said:


> troll?
> _posted via mobile device_



50/50


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Hailey2009 said:


> Last night was poker night at my house -- two of my husband's long-time friends and two newer friends from his work. Not my favorite way to spend an evening, but I had made snacks, asked when they wanted beers, tried to dress cute for him, etc.
> 
> About two hours into it, I was picking up plates and putting down new snacks and they were laughing and having fun and I noticed my husband was almost out of chips. I remarked, "Someone's not playing his cards very well." And our old time friends laughed but one of his new work friends reacted odd. My husband's reaction was mixed -- initial laughter but then subdued as if trying to read how others reacted. I heard muffled discussion as I headed back into the kitchen but just shrugged it off as a comment that fell a bit flat.
> 
> ...


Well if you're not a troll... Tell him to go f himself because that's all he'll be getting from now on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Well if you're not a troll... Tell him to go f himself because that's all he'll be getting from now on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh and his new little friend would not be welcome in my house again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

So there was more I was going to add, but I think I'll just stop there. Not sure if I was giving too much detail. Sorry if I was, new to this.

And yes, concerned new friend is a bad influence and that he seems to want to spend more time with this friend. Our relationship has always been great, and equal. His parents marriage is 100% old-fashioned roles of man versus woman.

Open to any help in sorting through thoughts, because mine are confusing/mixed at the moment. Will share more if needed but not in here I guess.

Married 3 yrs in Iowa.


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## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

That doesn't sound like normal behavior on his part in anything that I would consider a healthy relationship or anyONE I would consider a healthy person. New friend from out of town or not, a grown man who could be swayed so easily by wanting to be liked, like some schoolyard popularity contest, such that he would manhandle his wife like that in response to the influence of someone else is a real ***** in my book, and it would seriously damage the way I thought of him from then on out.


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

He's not a monster or a troll or anything like that. I've known him since we were kids. I think I described this poorly. And my real question is/was a different thing entirely. 

But thank you all for trying to reach out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hey Hailey, please go ahead and tell the rest of the story. Ignore the troll comment!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

...he probably already felt bad about not playing well....and viewed your comment as putting him down publicly. Just let things calm, and then ask him.....plus, what was your goal of pointing his poor playing out, in front of his friends? He and they already knew he was losing. Put yourself in his shoes...guys take cards, etc (any type of competition with other guys) pretty seriously. Plus, they may have already been giving him a hard time about his lack of success.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hailey2009 said:


> He's not a monster or a troll or anything like that. I've known him since we were kids. I think I described this poorly. And my real question is/was a different thing entirely.
> 
> But thank you all for trying to reach out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go ahead and tell the second half of the story. I think the "troll" commenters have already finished your story in their imaginations and it is something they read in "Penthouse."

Either way, you're H is a weirdo. Get him therapy or get rid of him.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> ...he probably already felt bad about not playing well....and viewed your comment as putting him down publicly. Just let things calm, and then ask him.....plus, what was your goal of pointing his poor playing out, in front of his friends? He and they already knew he was losing. Put yourself in his shoes...guys take cards, etc (any type of competition with other guys) pretty seriously. Plus, they may have already been giving him a hard time about his lack of success.


None of that justifies the way he responded to her comment. It was wrong on so many levels. If my stbxh ever grabbed me like that and then demeaned me by spanking me and talking to me like an abusive father would talk to a child. Let's just say I hope the cops get there before any male family members of mine.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Hailey2009 said:


> He's not a monster or a troll or anything like that. I've known him since we were kids. I think I described this poorly. And my real question is/was a different thing entirely.
> 
> But thank you all for trying to reach out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


By troll, I meant you being an Internet Troll, meaning your story sounded so fictional as to have the possibility of being designed to incite angry reactions instead of sincere advice-seeking. If your story is real, well, you're in quite the predicament.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> ...he probably already felt bad about not playing well....and viewed your comment as putting him down publicly. Just let things calm, and then ask him.....plus, what was your goal of pointing his poor playing out, in front of his friends? He and they already knew he was losing. Put yourself in his shoes...guys take cards, etc (any type of competition with other guys) pretty seriously. Plus, they may have already been giving him a hard time about his lack of success.


Why are you only focusing on her comment? 

Do you think he was justified in putting his hands on her like that. ?

Who cares how competitive he is? 

If his guy friends are giving him a hard time about his lack of success why didn't he put his hands on one of them?

I know why. 

Hailey, you are married to a weak minded bully who allows pier pressure to dictate how he treats his wife. 

Get rid of him and get a real man.


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

Omg, no, I was not just trying to make people angry. And like this thing all played out in maybe three seconds and even the hard spanking didn't more than sting. The fact that he got goaded into playing macho bothers me, he might have already been getting a hard time from them for losing but idk that just seems like what guys do with each other. I was most bothered by the fact they probably could hear and then the silent treatment thing. I was extremely self-conscious the rest of the night. And I'm usually not that way at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

jfv said:


> Why are you only focusing on her comment?
> 
> Do you think he was justified in putting his hands on her like that. ?
> 
> ...


...follow any of my posts, and you might rethink how you are responding to my comments.

From her posts...this was not characteristic, so calling him "a weak minded bully" seems to be you taking a small slice of time and pasting it over his entire life and personality.

....for situational (one time) behavior, it is effective to evaluate the situation thoroughly before coming up with massive judgements. And yes, I do think the "get rid of him and get a real man" is quite over the top for this. And please, before doing another post flaming me, the OP might be best served by a careful review of her posts and what she seems to be hunting for, as far as useful insight and information. And at no point did I say his reaction was appropriate (yes...you need to reread my post)....I was trying to dig into what prompted his reaction.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Hailey2009 said:


> Omg, no, I was not just trying to make people angry. And like this thing all played out in maybe three seconds and even the hard spanking didn't more than sting. The fact that he got goaded into playing macho bothers me, he might have already been getting a hard time from them for losing but idk that just seems like what guys do with each other. I was most bothered by the fact they probably could hear and then the silent treatment thing. I was extremely self-conscious the rest of the night. And I'm usually not that way at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


...your feelings are quite justified......and I would imagine that if he could, your husband would go back and change how he reacted to the whole situation.....I suspect he let frustration/embarrassment keep him from giving any proper thought to his actions. Talk to him and make it clear that what he did was waaaay past your personal boundaries for his behavior. Take care.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Hailey2009 said:


> Omg, no, I was not just trying to make people angry. And like this thing all played out in maybe three seconds and even the hard spanking didn't more than sting. The fact that he got goaded into playing macho bothers me, he might have already been getting a hard time from them for losing but idk that just seems like what guys do with each other. I was most bothered by the fact they probably could hear and then the silent treatment thing. I was extremely self-conscious the rest of the night. And I'm usually not that way at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Spouses hitting eachother should make people angry. 
What bothers me is that he took his losing at a game out on you. And played 'macho' for the benefit of this new friend. And yes, anyone who has to wait to see the reaction of his male friends to decide how to react to his wife is weak. Make absolutely certain hailey that he understands that you did NOTHING to deserve that kind treatment from him. Especially the violence. It doesn't matter that lasted 3 seconds and only stung. It's the thought that counts. 
Careful that this is not establishing a precendent of some kind. Put your foot down now. If he doesn't apologize, red flag. 
Personally, if my Significant other ever put their hands on me and mistreated me for the benefit of their ego or any one else.
The relationship would be done. But I'm a bit of an extremist with this kind of thing.


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

He's been extremely sweet and gentle and kissy today -- which is his normal self. I haven't confronted him yet, because my emotions are still a mixed bag. Thing is, if he had asked me to play the "50s wife" for him, I would have totally said yes. Not sure if his nice mood today is back to normal or his way of acting happy for last night.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Hailey,

You had better set the boundry. Nobody, not ever your husband, should believe he has the green light to get physical with you to make a point. If you do not let him know this you should not be surprised that this could escalate into something worse in the future.

What he did is entirely unacceptable.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

If this had been some type of setup for some play later, awesome. Or had he said something like "Get in the kitchen before you get a spanking" in response to your comment, perfect. 

Don't wait too long before confronting he'll get too comfortable and he might not take it seriously. 

Your pain and dignity should never be ointment for his bruised ego.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Dissing him was insensitive. His reaction was out of line as well. 

I didn't care for the "tried to dress cute for him" comment either. 

It is unclear to me why so many wives feel the compulsion to parade themselves in front of their husbands friends in a flirtatious manner.

I would certainly welcome an explanation what you were thinking making the comment that embarrassed your husband and why the comment about dressing cute for him.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Wow. You people are over the top! If I had a dollar for everytime my SO swatted my butt, I'd be rich! And I have been known to come up behind my love encircle her chest and tell her she was mine and I was going to have my way with her later. MrsOldNews would have me in handcuffs for that!

In my opinion the real issue here is why the OP chose to disrespect her husband with the card playing comment. his subsequent behavior, because she didn't appreciate it, was inappropriate. but the acrimnoy here is over the top


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Yes, I would inquire if this is typical behavior for him to "spank you" or grab you like that??


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

KanDo said:


> If I had a dollar for everytime my SO swatted my butt, I'd be rich!


The difference is the playful nature of your situation and the angry nature of hers. 

Pretending you don't get that seems like you being opportunistic for a chance to brag.

Insisting other posters are over the top when they are concerned about an entirely different situation (angry) than being playful is transparent B.S. 

All couples are playful. That isn't unique to your relationship but it has nothing to do with the OP's situation either


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

YupItsMe -- I was wearing a knee-length shift and boots, just dressy casual. If I'm going to scramble to have the house look nice for company, then why wouldn't I want to look like nice too? Fun to think your spouse can feel lucky to have you sometimes isn't it?

As for the card comment, we kid each other frequently. I just think I didn't appreciate the dynamic with these work friends and maybe he had gotten a rough go of it already from them. 

Hope this answers your questions?

We talked tonight and I expressed my feelings. He's been real sweet all day but we agreed to agree a date to try traditional roles for an evening. Will see how it goes.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Hailey2009 said:


> YupItsMe -- I was wearing a knee-length shift and boots, just dressy casual. If I'm going to scramble to have the house look nice for company, then why wouldn't I want to look like nice too? Fun to think your spouse can feel lucky to have you sometimes isn't it?
> 
> As for the card comment, we kid each other frequently. I just think I didn't appreciate the dynamic with these work friends and maybe he had gotten a rough go of it already from them.
> 
> ...


I'm curious how each of you plan to act on the "traditional" night. ?? :scratchhead:


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Hmm, grabbed your wrist ( tightly I imagine )

New rules- "Speak when spoken too" ( WTF ? ) 

Spanked so it hurt and not in fun. ( WTF ?)

And then " remember your place" ( WTF ? )

Maybe he needs to remember that you clean the house for his buddies and are now serving them. Some guys.:scratchhead: I did not take your comment as disrespectful at all. I thought it was funny. If you would have said that to me I would have laughed. 

If I knew that any of my guy friends had done that to their wife I would not be his friend any longer. 

When does he ask you to wear a burqua.....?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Is he trying to steer your marriage into a sort of a bdsm relationship where he is the dominant? The date night thing sounds sort of like that too.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Cardinal Rule--No man ever wants his wife to insult or demean him in front of his friends. 

The muttering you were hearing as you left was his friends calling him a pu**y.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Hailey2009, hi hun
This is a mostly male board (it seems) which is why you are getting the responses you are getting. A lot of men don't get that grabbing a woman agressively, threatining her, and hitting her hard enough that it stings is wrong. Chivalry and "gentlemaness" is seen as beta here so not really promoted all that much from what I can tell. So, as a woman, I will tell you. That was wrong. It was abusive and it may escalate. You should not be threatened because you playfully teased your husband. I assume he has also playfully teased you at times in front of friends without you reacting abusively.
Your husband is stronger than you, taller than you, and bigger than you. He has absolutely no right to threaten you or hit you. Talk to him soon, now even, and nip this in the bud. Your husband needs to understand, clearly and quickly, that you will not tolerate being threatened or hit aggressively in your own home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

You embarrased him in front of his friends.

He took this as "Fitness Test" requiring a firm response.

His response was a too firm.

Miscommunication. End of story.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

By the way ladies, if you publicly put down your man like the OP did and he doesn't respond, other men will see that as an invitation to move on you. On a subconcious level it's like saying "I'm open for business boys, don't worry about hubby, he won't do anything."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

HA! My H would have been met with my foot in his ass.

Your comment was probably a slam to his ego...but for him to do that? Is this an episode of "I Love Lucy"? dang.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Mine too
And if he'd felt embarrased before, he would've felt it even more so when I told his friends that they needed to leave because my husand and I needed to discuss why he felt it was ok to threaten and hit his wife.



that_girl said:


> HA! My H would have been met with my foot in his ass.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

aribabe said:


> A lot of men don't get that grabbing a woman agressively, threatining her, and hitting her hard enough that it stings is wrong. Chivalry and "gentlemaness" is seen as beta here so not really promoted all that much from what I can tell.


You got all the answers about men because you're an enlightened woman in the know? Gimme a break. Offensive and inaccurate. 

Your post indicates a lack of comprehension and a lack of appreciation for the honesty offered here by countless sincere. loving, civilized men. 

Stereotypes may be a tool for soothing bitterness but they have no place on a forum full of well meaning folks of both genders looking for something useful to better understand one another.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

sorry you feel offended, that's never pleasant is it?

I will never comprehend or appreciate " the honesty offered here by countless sincere, loving, civilized men" when they are telling a woman that her husand grabbing, threatning, and hitting her is ok because she teased him in front of his friends. 




YupItsMe said:


> You got all the answers about men because you're an enlightened woman in the know? Gimme a break. Offensive and inaccurate.
> 
> Your post indicates a lack of comprehension and a lack of appreciation for the honesty offered here by countless sincere. loving, civilized men.
> 
> Stereotypes may be a tool for soothing bitterness but they have no place on a forum full of well meaning folks of both genders looking for something useful to better understand one another.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your husband's reaction was not ok at all imo.

Yes he needed to respond somehow when you put him down in front of his male buddies. But he could have done it very differently in a playful way. I think the comments are correct that it is an insult to him, and he has to somehow establish his dominance as the male.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

aribabe said:


> sorry you feel offended, that's never pleasant is it?
> 
> I will never comprehend or appreciate " the honesty offered here by countless sincere, loving, civilized men" when they are telling a woman that her husand grabbing, threatning, and hitting her is ok because she teased him in front of his friends.
> 
> ...


I reread every post. Not ONE male made any assertion even close to its ok. That is your bitter delusion. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps you wont ever get it. This is where you apologize.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

east2west said:


> By the way ladies, if you publicly put down your man like the OP did and he doesn't respond, other men will see that as an invitation to move on you. On a subconcious level it's like saying "I'm open for business boys, don't worry about hubby, he won't do anything."


Does this work for you as a pickup strategy? I would have thought it more likely to lose you a lot of friendships. 

My wife and I are a partnership of equals. Our dynamic is so different from what you write that I just cannot relate to it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

YupItsMe said:


> I reread every post. Not ONE male made any assertion even close to its ok. That is your bitter delusion. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps you wont ever get it. This is where you apologize.


Retread post 13, 26, 33, 35, 36.

They don't black and white say it's ok but they seem to justify the husband to an extent.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Clearly, your reading comprehension is less than stellar if you can not recognize the theme of this thread, that it was ok because she teased him.

that's your issue

an apology is something you will not be getting from me, sorry 



YupItsMe said:


> I reread every post. Not ONE male made any assertion even close to its ok. That is your bitter delusion. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps you wont ever get it. This is where you apologize.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Retread post 13, 26, 33, 35, 36.
> 
> They don't black and white say it's ok but they seem to justify the husband to an extent.


There is an important distinction to be made between explaining someone's behavior and excusing their behavior.

For my part I thought that the OP was looking for an explanation of her husband's behavior.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Does this work for you as a pickup strategy? I would have thought it more likely to lose you a lot of friendships.


I am not out to pick up married women. But there are other men that are, and they don't give a sh!t about friendships. If you think this type of thing doesn't happen, you are naive. Spend some more time following TAM or other forums like MSSL.



> My wife and I are a partnership of equals. Our dynamic is so different from what you write that I just cannot relate to it.


Either that's fabulous, or again, you are naive. I'm not saying I know which one it is.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

KanDo said:


> his subsequent behavior was inappropriate


Thats simple english



Cre8ify said:


> Cardinal Rule--No man ever wants his wife to insult or demean him in front of his friends. The muttering you were hearing as you left was his friends calling him a pu**y.


Where does this mention that hitting or grabbing a woman is ok? ANSWER NOWHERE



east2west said:


> His response was a too firm


Again simple english



east2west said:


> By the way ladies, if you publicly put down your man like the OP did and he doesn't respond, other men will see that as an invitation to move on you. On a subconcious level it's like saying "I'm open for business boys, don't worry about hubby, he won't do anything."


Where does this mention that hitting or grabbing a woman is ok? ANSWER NOWHERE

The assertion that men are saying its ok and the assertion that lots of men on TAM think its ok is total B.S. Reading your own emotional baggage into a post does not change the posters intent which was in most cases to explicitely express that it was NOT OK.

Expanding on the subject to explain the source of the anger is not condoning inappropriate actions. 

To assert some underlying message is at play is bogus since they are not underlying at all. Its nearly unanimous the action was out of bounds AND the follow up is men dont like being insulted by their wives in front of their friends. Thats not an endorsement of bad or angry behavior. Its ONLY an explanation of where the anger came from.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

east2west said:


> I am not out to pick up married women. But there are other men that are, and they don't give a sh!t about friendships. If you think this type of thing doesn't happen, you are naive. Spend some more time following TAM or other forums like MSSL.
> 
> 
> 
> Either that's fabulous, or again, you are naive. I'm not saying I know which one it is.


Not naive. If a male makes the choice to hit on my wife they are no longer welcome in our company. If my wife makes a choice to respond the marriage is over. If her morals are so loose that one little gaff could see her end up in bed with a poker buddy...well either there was a lot more to the story or she's a ***** and the marriage is doomed anyway.

She wants me, she better have boundaries. We are equals. She has a right to choose to sleep around if she wants. Should she exercise that right, or otherwise engage in inappropriate behaviour, I will exercise my right to end the marriage.

I'm not going to slap her, publicly or privately, to assert my dominance. That's weak behaviour, nothing alpha about it. I have no interest in being so emasculated.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

YupItsMe said:


> Thats simple english
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If we are agreed husband was wrong that's the main thing. Others can read the posts I mentioned, look at your references to SOME of them and decide for themselves whether you have dealt with the full context of those posts.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

east2west said:


> There is an important distinction to be made between explaining someone's behavior and excusing their behavior.
> 
> For my part I thought that the OP was looking for an explanation of her husband's behavior.


Interesting distinction. Not sure it is that black and white but will give it some thought.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

east2west said:


> There is an important distinction to be made between explaining someone's behavior and excusing their behavior


And BINGO was his NAMO


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Craziness. I would have ended the party and told them they needed to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

If you are only married a few years you are likely a young person. Here is a tip born of experience---On poker night, spend 20-30 minutes at the beginning of the night exchanging pleasantries and greeting his friends. Then...get out of dodge! 

They can get their own snacks, bank their empty beer cans off the call into the garbage can and act like guys. After the first case of beer and the Southern Comfort is gone...you don't want to see and no good can come of it.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Mine too
> And if he'd felt embarrased before, he would've felt it even more so when I told his friends that they needed to leave because my husand and I needed to discuss why he felt it was ok to threaten and hit his wife.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


F ucking eh, my husband would not have made it out of our kitchen in one piece.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Response to hard?
To harsh?
He only overreactted to he insult?

Are you kidding me? She was making a joke, a witism, light banter.

Man say woman is sensitive what a freaking crock, start wearing skirts boys. If your buddies ribbing hurts you itsy bitsy feelings you need to mature some.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Michie said:


> F ucking eh, my husband would not have made it out of our kitchen in one piece.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This isnt mature either.



Michie said:


> Response to hard?
> To harsh?
> He only overreactted to he insult?
> 
> ...


Nor this.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

aribabe said:


> Hailey2009, hi hun
> This is a mostly male board (it seems) which is why you are getting the responses you are getting. A lot of men don't get that grabbing a woman agressively, threatining her, and hitting her hard enough that it stings is wrong. Chivalry and "gentlemaness" is seen as beta here so not really promoted all that much from what I can tell.


This is wrong on so many levels I don't have time.



> So, as a woman, I will tell you. That was wrong. It was abusive and it may escalate. You should not be threatened because you playfully teased your husband. I assume he has also playfully teased you at times in front of friends without you reacting abusively.
> Your husband is stronger than you, taller than you, and bigger than you. He has absolutely no right to threaten you or hit you. Talk to him soon, now even, and nip this in the bud. Your husband needs to understand, clearly and quickly, that you will not tolerate being threatened or hit aggressively in your own home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What he did was absolutely wrong. It was not playful or fun, but rather sounds like he was taking his frustration out on you. Not cool, and you need to address that with him immediately.

I won't justify his action, but do think about whether this was an appropriate time to tease him. If you don't know the others in the room, consider whether your comments could be misinturpreted or lead to embarassment that you did not intend. Something to consider in the future.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

not good

but people learn the hard way

best of luck


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

My view: the H's reaction shows deep insecurities and proves that he's not a "real man." If that was his concern, he shot himself in the foot.

A confident guy would have laughed and responded with a wisecrack, maybe something like "she may think I don't play my cards well in poker but she sings a different tune behind closed doors." With a wink to her.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

That's abusive behavior for sure. You do not have the right to hit someone just because you are angry or offended. That is something I'm teaching my _20-month-old_ right now. He's a baby, but he already understands the concept.

Sure, the OP offended her husband. It happens. We all say things we shouldn't sometimes, and vow to do better next time. The OP's husband needs to GROW UP. You don't hit, even if you feel angry or insulted. If you can't abide by those rules, you are obviously not mature enough for an adult relationship such as marriage.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

*Odd Reaction to Odd Night........Open to any help in sorting through thoughts, because mine are confusing/mixed at the moment.*

Gosh....I do really just love this place. You can always count on getting a ton of information and feedback of all types and paradigms, and I think the OP has certainly received it all, including finding out what a troll was, and that some thought she fit that category....

I do imagine that her thoughts may be still as confused as she started with, because of how this thread has taken off on somewhat of a tangent. But remember, she was asking for help in sorting through her confusion, not asking for divorce advice.

The best I can figure is that the evolving debate seems to be whether a no tolerance rule (once and divorce happens) should apply in relationships, regarding physical contact during arguments/confrontations. I can only ask everyone to honestly ask themselves if their advice is best for the specific situation at hand.....and ask followup information before coming down hard on one extreme or another. In my case, early in our marriage my bride kicked me in the shin in frustration (not as hard as she could, but making her point) when I was going out of my way to be a butt, under some high stress (preg, new job, building a house). My wife is the most loving person, and would not hurt a flea (and has never touched me since in anger).....but what advice would be offered if I just said we had an argument and she kicked me?? Context and background is important to offering useful advice, and I hope that is what we all are trying to do here.

As for me, I am waiting to hear how date night went...:smthumbup:


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

jaharthur said:


> A confident guy would have laughed.
> 
> Agreed
> 
> ...


IMHO A confident man would not elaborate about private matters in the bedroom unless he was also a tacky tasteless idiot. Comments like that are obnoxious TMI and a further demonstration of insecurity.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

YupItsMe said:


> IMHO A confident man would not elaborate about private matters in the bedroom unless he was also a tacky tasteless idiot. Comments like that are obnoxious TMI and a further demonstration of insecurity.


On second thought, I agree with this. A confident man would simply laugh and let the whole thing roll off his back like water on a duck.

If there were to be a wisecrack it should be more along the lines, "I've got these suckers exactly where I want them now."


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

jaharthur said:


> On second thought, I agree with this. A confident man would simply laugh and let the whole thing roll off his back like water on a duck.
> 
> If there were to be a wisecrack it should be more along the lines, "I've got these suckers exactly where I want them now."


Agree 100%


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

1) I have little use for a man that would physically abuse a woman.

2) Yes he should have laughed it off and told her to get into the kitchen and make him a sammich and that he did not need any help in losing as he had that taken care of himself. Or some such thing that would defuse the situation.

3) She posted this in the Sex In Marriage section for some reason.

4) Her comments about 50s wife and dressing cute and the whole spanking thing and serving the men ... yadda yadda says to me she had a prupose for posting this thread where she did and that she was going for the sexual aspects of things.

5) Also no doubt this was intended to get the reaction it did as well.

So I see the huband as over reacting. There seems to be some new dynamic with this new friend. Hopefully this will not turn into some weird indecent proposal story as we find out the hubby lost all their money ... that has been done to death. 

But indeed, there are times when a spouse can make comments that end up sending the wrong message in a group.

All this said, I have never asked now nor will I ever ask for my wife to serve a bunch of my buddies. Would it be ok for her to help with the planning and the setup of food and drinks and so on? Sure. I do plenty for her. For sure there was no time that I would ask her to "dress up cute" for my friends.

Maybe the other person will tell us the rest as she has done the "set" well and gotten great reaction.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

I don`t agree with many many people on this board and am incredibly shocked at some people`s 50`s attitude.

The OP actually did play the role to the hilt, dressing appropriately and serving the guys.

100% wrong and scary now that she is sloughing it off and all will be okay with this supposed `date`night.

Anyone supporting the husband or thinking it was not too bad a situation, further reinforces my view of TAM.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

justbidingtime said:


> I don`t agree with many many people on this board and am incredibly shocked at *some people`s 50`s attitude*.
> 
> The OP actually did play the role to the hilt, dressing appropriately and serving the guys.
> 
> ...


Yeah that Stalin guy was awful. Oooops wrong decade. :rofl:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Hailey2009 said:


> And yes, concerned new friend is a bad influence and that he seems to want to spend more time with this friend. Our relationship has always been great, and equal. His parents marriage is 100% old-fashioned roles of man versus woman.
> 
> Open to any help in sorting through thoughts, because mine are confusing/mixed at the moment. Will share more if needed but not in here I guess.
> 
> Married 3 yrs in Iowa.


I don't agree with your thoughts and those of others that this is somehow old-fashioned or traditional behavior. I don't recall seeing Ozzie ever spank Harriet.

My guess is that you embarrassed your husband by joking about his chips getting low. He responded to that by being a real [email protected] and spanking you. I also guess that his spanking you was supposed to be a 50 Shades of Grey-type thing to both save face for him and turn you on as well. Maybe he thought you would like it?

Since you've said that this one instance is the only thing marring your 3-year marriage, and presumably your time spent dating before that, I will also disagree with those posters who insist that your husband belongs in prison.

Once you've come to terms with how you feel about this, you should talk to your husband. Your post seems to suggest that you're more confused than angry about this. Were you turned on by being spanked? Or is it something you definitely don't want to encourage? Either way, you need to communicate that to your husband.

And I agree with the other poster who said poker nights are a good time for you to hole up in your room while the boys are inappropriate with each other. Well, you know what I mean.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I don't agree with your thoughts and those of others that this is somehow old-fashioned or traditional behavior. I don't recall seeing Ozzie ever spank Harriet.
> 
> My guess is that you embarrassed your husband by joking about his chips getting low. He responded to that by being a real [email protected] and spanking you. I also guess that his spanking you was supposed to be a 50 Shades of Grey-type thing to both save face for him and turn you on as well. Maybe he thought you would like it?
> 
> ...


Amazing!!!! Fifty Shades of Gray, Really????? This is why I am always hesitant to respond to those in their 20's as a fuddy old duddy almost 50. 

He was an ass and completely innappropriate and some respond happily sloughing it off. Maybe just a one off, but she posted nonetheless and frankly sounds too nice looking after her man. 

Jail no, but she should ignore him and wait for true contrition from him, which has not happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I'm amazed at some of the posters on this board trying to downplay this man's repulsive behavior. While these posters are not necessarily saying it is "ok," they are still justifying his behavior to an extent by implying that her comment led to his actions. As I stated before, self-control is something I'm teaching my baby. 

I don't think this man belongs in "prison," but I DO think he has some serious issues. What's to happen the next time she offends him? Will he bring out the wooden spoon?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> 1) I have little use for a man that would physically abuse a woman.
> 
> And that is unimous here despite some dragging their emotional man bashing baggage into their failed reading comprehension by insisting that which is not there is indeed there.
> 
> ...


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

justbidingtime said:


> I don`t agree with many many people on this board and am incredibly shocked at some people`s 50`s attitude.
> 
> Which came directly from the OP intentionally introducing it into the discussion
> 
> Anyone supporting the husband or thinking it was not too bad a situation, further reinforces my view of TAM.


That would be absolutely no one. Again, explaining isnt condoning, agreeing with or downplaying. It is unclear how that is such a difficult concept to grasp


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> My guess is that you embarrassed your husband by joking about his chips getting low. He responded to that by being a real [email protected] and spanking you.
> 
> Unanimous to here
> 
> ...


Good call


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

justbidingtime said:


> Amazing!!!! Fifty Shades of Gray, Really?????
> 
> This is over the top and embarrassing
> 
> ...


I totally disagree she should ignore him. Quite the contrary. 

She should confront him when she is ready and tell him it isnt acceptable under any circumstances and she will not tolerate it ever. 

The silent tgreatment is childish, ineffective, passive aggressive and unhealthy all the way around and is horrible advice.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> I'm amazed at some of the posters on this board trying to downplay this man's repulsive behavior.
> 
> Never happened. Explaining is not condoning, downplaying, sloughing off, agreeing with or any other word used for the same point. Insisting anyone agrees with it here is man bashing
> 
> ...


Violence tends to escalate


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I was born in the northeast but since I have travelled and seen more of the world. I can have a sense of humor in situations that can diffuse things where others have trouble. So the get in the kitchen and make me a sammich was intended to have some humor in it. It would have if I said it. YMMV. In that situation it would have worked fine. That said, again I do not ask my wife to serve my buddies. 

But indeed it has become tiresome with the bashing of anyone frankly. As they say ... haters gotta hate. I do understand that some folks have serious agendas or have just flat been through some bad times in their lives and they feel they need to fight at every opportunity.

We agree on most of this but I am not convinced by this story line yet. She has not finished it.


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## BicMarkit (Oct 30, 2012)

Hi Hailey,
I think that you shouldn't be serving him and his friends during the poker game. On that night, do your own thing, even if you're staying at home. 
It's possible the dynamic was different with the 2 new friends, maybe more competitive than usual.
Anyway - it wasn't right what he did, and I was appalled when i read your post. He seemed really angry. 
You just need to out your foot down. I think he's grown enough to get his own food etc during poker, and friends are probably comfortable enough to serve themselves as well. I mean you can have things ready but they can go get it from the kitchen or whatever. 
This was no way to be treated. i also wouldn;t wear a special outfit on his poker nights - it entices the other men too. My hubby doesn't like it if I look tooo nice when guy friends come over

anyways - good luck!


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I was born in the northeast but since I have travelled and seen more of the world I can have a sense of humor in situations that can difuse things where others have trouble. So the get in the kitchen and make me a sammich was intended to have some humor in it. It would have if I said it. YMMV. In that situation it would have worked fine


I have an equally impressive travel resume and have been paid professionally for comedy. 

Self deprecating humor as suggested earlier by another poster diffuses situations best. 

An offensive, chauvanistic joke is uncalled for and isnt funny in this situation nor elsewhere except for a few grandmothers maybe nor is embarrassing ones spouse when she is outnumbered and has had the decency to help you make your entertaining an otherwise enjoyable evening.

I am glad we have agreement elsewhere. On this, "now Ive got them right where I want them" is the clear winner.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

justbidingtime said:


> Amazing!!!! Fifty Shades of Gray, Really????? This is why I am always hesitant to respond to those in their 20's as a fuddy old duddy almost 50.


 I'm not as young as you think. And yes, I think it's more likely that the OP's husband was trying out some misguided attempt to dominate his wife, because he thought she would like it, than that he had a sudden psychotic break and he is, all of a sudden and contrary to his entire post-pubescent history, a dangerous and fearsome monster. To believe that he has suddenly become a monster is nothing less than hysterical.



justbidingtime said:


> He was an ass and completely innappropriate and some respond happily sloughing it off. Maybe just a one off, but she posted nonetheless and frankly sounds too nice looking after her man.


Again, there hasn't been a single post on this thread excusing his behavior. Every single post has acknowledged that he was an ass. Unsurprisingly, that's not good enough for you. We can't say that he was an ass. We are supposed to go farther. This is where your man-bashing agenda becomes apparent. A man who calls the OP's husband an ass is somehow complicit in his behavior. I promise he didn't ask me for advice beforehand. I would have told him not to spank his wife in that manner. Honest.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

YupItsMe said:


> Way off but we finally have a winner. Finally someone blatently thinks it was good intentioned. It wasnt but it is a first in this thread despite all the unfair bogus man bashing up to this point.


I don't know how clear it is that the OP's husband didn't have good intentions. I can think of three possibilities to explain his spanking his wife. First, that he had a sudden psychotic attack and has now, for the first time, become a dangerous wife beater. Second, that he has always been a psychopath, but has hidden it well until now. The OP said she has known her husband since they were children, after all. Now that he has been married to her for a few years, he feels comfortable unleashing his demons on her. Third, he is the same nice guy she has always known. But, he just thought she would enjoy being spanked/dominated. Given the fact that the OP stated that she is more concerned with her husband scolding her where the others might have heard and then giving her the silent treatment than she is with the spanking, he might not be too far off. Perhaps he has some insight into her that the rest of us lack and he thought she would be into it.

Any of those three scenarios are possible. I just think the third is most likely.



YupItsMe said:


> Not one person suggested he belongs in prison. NOT ONE. For the record, to suggest so would be unhinged.


Fair enough. I was using hyperbole to make my point that I didn't feel the OP's husband was a danger to society. My point was clumsily made. And you are correct that it would be unhinged to suggest that this man belongs in jail.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

YupItsMe said:


> An offensive, chauvanistic joke is uncalled for and isnt funny in this situation nor elsewhere ...


Were you the opening act for the Vagina Monologues?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Boy this is entertaining! I am so glad to have other people tell me what I posted and explain that what I wrote in plain English doesn't mean what it said. I think I need to get my tuition money back. My education clearly was defective!


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Boy this is entertaining! I am so glad to have other people tell me what I posted and explain that what I wrote in plain English doesn't mean what it said. I think I need to get my tuition money back. My education clearly was defective!


Yep you should..... Read it and your comments was one of the reasons I bothered to post. How someone could consider what she said was disrespectful in any way........

Seems to me KanDo that to you women should be seen not heard. 

If you know anything about poker, Phil Ivey, Daniel Negraneau, Phil Hellmouth, Phil Locke or any of the best poker players can lose at any time and that is in the end the luck of the draw and cards.

So he was losing and she joked about it..... Whoopdy Doo.....

His reaction, was violent, completely uncalled for and enough to get her to post.

Again I bet you (gambling & playing poker) that the OP won't heed 90% of what was posted here and will tell us this was a one off.

I only responded due to the others who responded thinking it not a big deal.....


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

KanDo said:


> Boy this is entertaining! I am so glad to have other people tell me what I posted and explain that what I wrote in plain English doesn't mean what it said. I think I need to get my tuition money back. My education clearly was defective!


I don't think your education was defective. It was just incomplete. See, your education probably taught you how to express yourself assuming your reader was a rational person who would only infer what is clearly stated, or implied, in your writing. That's blue pill madness.

The red pill teaches us that irrational women will take what you write or say and infer any damn thing they please. You wrote that the OP's husband's behavior was inappropriate. Well, my English to Womanese dictionary says that, since you wrote that on a Saturday, and you're a man, a woman may very well infer that you actually meant that his behavior was *appropriate*.

It's an honest mistake and I can see how you could be confused.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds like a d!ck.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If I was one of your husbands buddies sitting at the table while all this was going on, I would think your husband was a total jerk. 

What kind of guy cusses out his wife when his friends can hear? Especially about such an obviously light hearted comment. 

If the other guys heard your husband slap your butt, I am surprised one of them didn't beat him up. 

Real men don't hit their wives. Real men don't tolerate other men hitting their wives.

People might think your husband was being Alpha, but he was really just being an A$$Hole.

I fear for you the next time he loses his temper. Seems like he can lose it over something very minor. And that he is capable of violence. His comments to you about 'knowing your place' and then striking you should be taken very seriously as a predictor of what he is capable of.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

I think this guy is a ***** if he can't take a little good natured ribbing from his wife....sounds like he was misplacing his anger on his wife. Being the head of the house doesn't mean you have license to be an *******.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> If I was one of your husbands buddies sitting at the table while all this was going on, I would think your husband was a total jerk.
> 
> What kind of guy cusses out his wife when his friends can hear? Especially about such an obviously light hearted comment.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Perfect response sadsamiam:smthumbup:

i knew there was a real man or two reading this read


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> If I was one of your husbands buddies sitting at the table while all this was going on, I would think your husband was a total jerk.
> 
> *What kind of guy* cusses out his wife when his friends can hear? .


The kind of guy who is a [email protected]!



SadSamIAm said:


> People might think your husband was being Alpha, but he was really just being an A$$Hole.


:iagree:

This is why I can't get on board with this is so-called "alpha" crap. To me, that is plain and simple RUDE and disgusting behavior.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Boy this is entertaining! I am so glad to have other people tell me what I posted and explain that what I wrote in plain English doesn't mean what it said. I think I need to get my tuition money back. My education clearly was defective!


......boy my friend..you stepped into it...and so did I by more or less taking a more or less neutral stance......

It is clear that for many posting on this thread, it is heresy to not immediately condemn the husband in the harshest of terms and strongly recommend divorcing him.

While I am now putting on my flame suit, I strongly urge those wishing to lambast me go to my post above, and really consider what type of input the OP is asking for. On the basis of side correspondence, I do not believe for a second that she was looking for reactionary extreme viewpoints. She wants her relationship to be the best it can possibly be, not to end it. Oh well....bracing for the incoming....


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> ......boy my friend..you stepped into it...and so did I by more or less taking a more or less neutral stance......
> 
> It is clear that for many posting on this thread, it is heresy to not immediately condemn the husband in the harshest of terms and strongly recommend divorcing him.
> 
> While I am now putting on my flame suit, I strongly urge those wishing to lambast me go to my post above, and really consider what type of input the OP is asking for. On the basis of side correspondence, I do not believe for a second that she was looking for reactionary extreme viewpoints. She wants her relationship to be the best it can possibly be, not to end it. Oh well....bracing for the incoming....


No many of us responded as to the cavalier attitude some men (and I am one) and maybe some women reacted to responses that seemed to condone the behaviour and "blame the victim". 

I am amazed that some people don't read closely the OP and the violence of "hubby's" reaction to a joke on a friendly card game.

Of course we do agree that I expect the OP to ignore what many have posted and come back gushing what a wonderful husband he is and that we were wrong and it was all a misunderstanding, even though well after the fact he felt he did absolutely nothing wrong nor feigned an apology.

Oh and I did read your post, and while not inflammatory, certainly seemed to shrug your shoulder and condemn her for saying something at her husband's exense.....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> I have an equally impressive travel resume and have been paid professionally for comedy.
> 
> Self deprecating humor as suggested earlier by another poster diffuses situations best.
> 
> ...


Sorry, there is no reason to start calling people names. For sure me. LOL. For one I won't put up with it. As we both know folks from where we come from can be quite "pushy". Myself included. But at least I know it. Like I said, you probably would not get away with such a comment. I would. Why? Because people know me. Also people are not the same across the country. Where I live now it is just fine to show chivalry and so on. I can actually open a door for a woman here where as if I was elsewhere I would just as likely get a dirty look.

For the third time I would not have my wife serving my buddies. However, if she made a rude comment I would diffuse it ... my way. And it would work just fine. But then again my wife does not do that kind of thing.

Good luck with your Comedy tour.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He sounds like a d!ck.


No argument here. And extra points for being concise.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The kind of guy who is a [email protected]!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think he was a d!ck for embarrassing his wife while she was really trying to help him out.

That said please do not redefine as "alpha" crap what this guy did. An alpha would not have been intimidated here. He would have been intimidating these other guys. Not his wife.

The OP has yet to respond further. Sure someone will say they were run off and that is arguable. However, I still say there was a reason they posted in the Sex In Marriage and that it involved spanking and a 50s reference. I suspect this was not by accident.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I still think chicks should avoid guys poker games. Mostly so we can cuss.

Now ...queu the crickets...


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

justbidingtime said:


> No many of us responded as to the cavalier attitude some men (and I am one) and maybe some women reacted to responses that seemed to condone the behaviour and "blame the victim".
> 
> Didnt happen. Its your lack of reading comprehension, lack of due care in reading the posts and your inserting your negative beliefs about men into the meaning of teir posts despite them all condemning this idiot husbands behavior. You should be overjoyed its unanimous but after some 90 posts you still just insist a total falsehood imagined in your mind exists when it clearly doesnt. Id suggest relying on black and white instead of adding a bunch of imaginary negative crap into what isnt there.
> 
> ...


What he did and said was obnoxious and inexcusable. What she said was a poor choice on many levels for reasons stated. 

Explaining that is not an excuse or endorsement for his behavior. No one excused his behavior in this thread. NO ONE. 

An explanation is what the OP asked for and then all the innaccurate man bashing bull**** started.

Very disappointing. 

Ill donate a quarter to every recovered male basher's favorite charity that confesses to have learned the difference between explaining bad behavior and excusing, condoning, supporting, sloughing off, minimizing, endorsing or shrugging your shoulders (in print) in regard to douchbag behavior.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

They talked about it, and hopefully learned from the experience. When you are young, you do things you wish you could take back. I bet he wishes he had a do over. 

I would be more uncomfortable with him afterwards, if I was at the poker table.


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