# Newlywed: How to deal with wife uncontrollable behavior and verbal abuse?



## saints88 (Oct 30, 2017)

Hey guys,
I need your reasonable opinions or advice about my marriage problem. I apology for a long story. We have been married for about 2 months. I met my wife in her country more than 2 years ago. We had long distance relationship after that until last year Summer I proposed to her. We are in late 20s and have no kids. She moved in USA with me after married. To be honest we hardly have any compromise together and I felt like the whole 2 months we live through conditions without teamwork. She doesn't have job because she can't apply for job without authorized employment card (EAD) that allow her to work while she waiting for her green card. She doesn't have license to drive and most of the time she stay at home to study to improve her English while waiting for EAD. My financial is alright and pretty tight because I have some debts but it manageable. I have spent money about 60% for essential stuffs for us like groceries, out to eat, rent, water, electricity, etc. 35% on my wife like monthly allowance, haircut, English school, her medicine, etc. Then only 5% for me like I buy pack of beers to chill at my friend house to watch football game and gym membership fee. So I pretty much spent alot on her needs and I am not complaining because I love her. Ok back to the issue, every time we fight, her personally switch to totally insane and it so hard to disarm her temper. Since 2 months, she moved out to sleep in guest room 5 times. I have notice that she get very bad attitude when we fight and most of the time she talk very loud. The worst part is that she always gaslight means she never admits her action or mistake and always blame on me even though she started the problem. Of course I did admitted that I cause problem sometime and but she never did even I told her that I notice of what she have done. She always denied it and think nothing is wrong with her and it always been me. It hurt me alot and I have almost always a victim in every fight as it always my fault. She always say I NEVER did this or I ALWAYS did this blah blah which is 98% untrue and I cannot fathom understand why she say exaggerating things about me like she was belittle me. Last Spring, she told me that she notice my personal problem and suggested me to go see psychologist to improve my reaction and temper which I did attend it. But when I told her about her issue, she won't go to psychologist for her uncontrollable behavior and attitude if things don’t get what she wants. I cannot improve myself if she won't acknowledge her mistake and go see psychologist to improve her behavior because she keep repeat same behavior and action such as pestering me like I am a victim while I am in calm state until I triggered. Then all of sudden she switch to pretend to be a victim and say "What is wrong with you!? What is your problem!? Don't yell at me!" I told her that she did all of that in the beginning and I couldn't calm her down and have her listen to my reason until I got fed up and she switch to acting like a victim and gaslight no matter what I say. At first, she usually on offense and then switch to defense pretend to be a victim when it was my turn to talk. She treat me like I am a bad husband like I don't provide enough for her which I DID everything I can to support her physically and emotionally even provided her most of my money to her needs and rarely for myself. 

There are several ridiculous examples like when she asked me to subcribe a channel for her to watch her home country soccer. I went online to buy subscription channel for her while I am on computer. I asked her kindly if she can go get my wallet for my debit card so I can purchase it. She looks at me and say, "you go get it yourself." I respond to her, "I am sitting on floor ordering a channel for you and you are closer to my wallet. Can you please go get it for me?" All of sudden she got an attitude and got up and walk to get my wallet and then toss my wallet to the floor instead of handling to me. I asked her why she threw my wallet at the floor with the attitude and she gaslight like oh I am not giving you attitude and I am putting this on ground. But her action was too obviously, I do not understand why she pretended to be innocent. Then she “punished” me that she won’t cook food for us until I apology and buy channel for her. 

Another example, when I got a Halloween card in the mail from my parent. She put cash in card for us to enjoyed Halloween together. I put the card with cash on the table so my wife can see what we got mail for today. 5 minutes later she walks to me with a cash in her hand and say we will use this cash for grocery or emergency. I told her why she made decision without talking to me first of how we will use this cash? She got upset at me thinking I disagree with her idea but I never say I disagree with her because I only say why she made decision without talking to me first. She got upset and hid the card with money! That made so upset that she hid the money that my mother sent for us! It like she doesn't trust me at all. 

Last example of issue, on Facebook I posted a picture of 2 Halloween pumpkins we carved, most of our families commented it except 1 friend of mine commented teasing about the pumpkin she carved that my friend doesn't like witch. My wife puzzled why my friend doesn’t like her pumpkin and I told her it had nothing to do with her carved pumpkin and it has to do with my friend strong religious belief. I told my wife to let it go and move on. Then she ignored me and made a comment but in positive way to talk back to my friend. Then my friend commented back and it started to get fuss so I delete it before it worse. My wife got upset and asked me why I deleted. I told my wife it not worth to fuss on stupid Facebook in front of our families and let it go. She constantly pestering me asking me why I delete as she took Facebook very seriously and I keep telling her it not worth the fuss and move on. She told me that I should stood up for her on comment and I told her I understand her point of view but it not my way and I am kind of person who just avoid and let it go when things are not worth it. She got really upset about my point of view and told me that she won't cook foods for us but herself. When she moved to guest room after we fought, she always shut and lock the door and stayed in guest room for most of the day. She only out for bathroom and foods. 

It been 2 months of me being victim and taking toll of my life from how my wife treats me disrespect with verbal abuses and manipulating me. I don’t know what to do and marriage counselor is out of option for her and plus I don’t have extra money for that. This is reason why I joined this community for advice and opinions. Is there a way for me to fix this or should I get a divorce paper? I know 2 months from married is still new but I am tired of fighting every week and that not normal for marriage couple. I still love her very much and divorce is the last thing in my mind unless there is no way to fix it.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

If you don't stop the demeaning attitude now, it will only get worse. Tell her to straighten up or ship out!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well, that is the danger with LRTs....you really do not get to know the person you are marrying.

not sure why she is so hostile...but it is not a good sign. If you can afford some psychological counseling, this would be a good time to get it. maybe she was raped in the old country, had some horrible abuse, and those things are just below the surface. you showed up and were her plane ticket out of a hell hole....but it turns out either she is damaged goods, or never was a very nice woman.

So....first thing, make SURE you do not get her pregnant. After some counseling....if she does not come around, it might be time to get rid of her. You do not want to be living that way for the next 40 years.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If your marriage is like this already, it is a sure sign of things to come. Get out before she has your child(ren) and before you are more emotionally and financially attached. It will be cheaper to send her home and get an annulment than it will be to divorce her after several years of marriage and children.

GET OUT NOW!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@saints88 There's no excuse for this kind of behavior. This is WHO SHE IS, and she isn't going to change. If I had to guess, she was acting one way to get you to put a ring on it, and now that she has the ring, she's letting her real personality come through.

Do you really want to deal with someone who treats you like this for the rest of your life? Because she's not going to treat you any better. The sad fact is that it will continue to get WORSE. Get the marriage annulled ASAP, and send her back home.

There are other women out there who will treat you far better than this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unfortunately you married a lady without getting to know her. I doubt she will change, she sounds like a narcissist. You just cant get to know anyone on line. They can be who they want to be.


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

Your wife is verbally abusive and disrespectful. This is not a good sign for so early in marriage but the worst sign is her total lack of accountability for her own behavior. You'll never be able to reason with someone who feels that YOU are the problem and that they are above reproach. I'm sorry that you are enduring this but I agree with the other folks on here. ....give her an ultimatum and/or say goodbye.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

saints88 said:


> Every time we fight, her personally switch to totally insane.


Saints, perhaps your W is "insane." That is not what you're describing here, however. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling actions, temper tantrums, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," inability to trust, and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting that she exhibits full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I suggesting that she may be exhibiting moderate to strong traits of BPD. And, to a lesser extent, she also may be exhibiting strong traits of narcissism (e.g., her manipulation that is intended to deceive you).



> It so hard to disarm her temper.


_"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger"_ is one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD. If your W is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in only ten seconds over very minor actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.



> Since 2 months, she moved out to sleep in guest room 5 times.


BPDers exhibit a repeating cycle of push-you-away (starting a fight over nothing) and pull-you-back (being loving). BPDer relationships thus are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll. 



> She always say I NEVER did this or I ALWAYS did this.


If she is a BPDer, her feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like she has flipped a switch in her mind. BPDers can flip very quickly from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. 

These rapid flips arise from _"black-white thinking."_ Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. Her subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This way, she only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."



> She switch to pretend to be a victim.


BPDers have such unstable, weak egos that they often feel like they don't know who they really are. To the extent they have a lasting self identity, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This means that you will be allowed to play only two roles: that of "The Rescuer" and "The Perpetrator." Significantly, both of those roles "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim" because, if she were not a victim, you wouldn't be trying so hard to rescue her or to persecute her.



> It is always my fault.


As noted above, a BPDer will perceive of you as "The Rescuer" for a while, usually during the courtship period. Following the marriage, however, you will increasingly become perceived as "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her unhappiness and every misfortune. This means that she will believe every problem is your fault. In that way, she is able to continue thinking of herself as "The Victim," always "The Victim."



> Marriage counselor is out of option for her.


If she really does exhibit strong BPD traits, MC likely would be a waste of time because her issues go far beyond the lack of simple communication skills. Several years of individual therapy with a psychologist likely would be required to make a real change in her behavior. 



> She won't go to psychologist.


Personality disorders (PDs) like BPD are invisible to the vast majority of people suffering from them. It therefore is extremely difficult to persuade a BPDer to seek therapy. And, in the unlikely event that you do, the BPDer is likely to just play mind games with the therapist instead of working on her issues.



> Is there a way for me to fix this or should I get a divorce paper?


If she suffers from strong traits of BPD or narcissism, there is no way for you to fix it. Indeed, a team of psychologists cannot fix it unless the patient is strongly motivated to fix herself. I therefore suggest that , if you are still reluctant to divorce her, you consult with a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you are dealing with. 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). 

Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, and irrational jealousy.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid staying in a toxic marriage and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Saints.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your wife?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Run forest run.

I would ship her back! The sex can't be that good and I'll bet its also slowing down.

So now you have a crazy [email protected]#$& who will accept any fault and then will use sex as a weapon.

The next time she acts this way tell her its unacceptable. Pack your bags and go stay with your parents.

Don't go back unless she gets help.

Personaly I would consider divorce onlu 2months. Be glad you found out how crazt she is before to long.


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## saints88 (Oct 30, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Unfortunately you married a lady without getting to know her. I doubt she will change, she sounds like a narcissist. You just cant get to know anyone on line. They can be who they want to be.



She might be. I didn't meet her online. I met her when I was traveling in country and a local friend of mine introduced me to her. After that we see each other about 3 times a year before I propose her.


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## saints88 (Oct 30, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> @saints88 There's no excuse for this kind of behavior. This is WHO SHE IS, and she isn't going to change. If I had to guess, she was acting one way to get you to put a ring on it, and now that she has the ring, she's letting her real personality come through.
> 
> Do you really want to deal with someone who treats you like this for the rest of your life? Because she's not going to treat you any better. The sad fact is that it will continue to get WORSE. Get the marriage annulled ASAP, and send her back home.
> 
> There are other women out there who will treat you far better than this.


I appreciate your advice I will keep that in mind.


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## saints88 (Oct 30, 2017)

Thanks for your opinions guys! I will discuss with her about giving a final choice to seek MC together or it done. Stay tune.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good luck. Just remember, it takes two to argue. If she ramps up, don't engage. You can try to mirror her, but don't get involved in the argument.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

saints88 said:


> Hey guys,
> I need your reasonable opinions or advice about my marriage problem. I apology for a long story. We have been married for about 2 months. I met my wife in her country more than 2 years ago. We had long distance relationship after that until last year Summer I proposed to her. We are in late 20s and have no kids. She moved in USA with me after married. To be honest we hardly have any compromise together and I felt like the whole 2 months we live through conditions without teamwork. She doesn't have job because she can't apply for job without authorized employment card (EAD) that allow her to work while she waiting for her green card. She doesn't have license to drive and most of the time she stay at home to study to improve her English while waiting for EAD. My financial is alright and pretty tight because I have some debts but it manageable. I have spent money about 60% for essential stuffs for us like groceries, out to eat, rent, water, electricity, etc. 35% on my wife like monthly allowance, haircut, English school, her medicine, etc. Then only 5% for me like I buy pack of beers to chill at my friend house to watch football game and gym membership fee. So I pretty much spent alot on her needs and I am not complaining because I love her. Ok back to the issue, every time we fight, her personally switch to totally insane and it so hard to disarm her temper. Since 2 months, she moved out to sleep in guest room 5 times. I have notice that she get very bad attitude when we fight and most of the time she talk very loud. The worst part is that she always gaslight means she never admits her action or mistake and always blame on me even though she started the problem. Of course I did admitted that I cause problem sometime and but she never did even I told her that I notice of what she have done. She always denied it and think nothing is wrong with her and it always been me. It hurt me alot and I have almost always a victim in every fight as it always my fault. She always say I NEVER did this or I ALWAYS did this blah blah which is 98% untrue and I cannot fathom understand why she say exaggerating things about me like she was belittle me. Last Spring, she told me that she notice my personal problem and suggested me to go see psychologist to improve my reaction and temper which I did attend it. But when I told her about her issue, she won't go to psychologist for her uncontrollable behavior and attitude if things don’t get what she wants. I cannot improve myself if she won't acknowledge her mistake and go see psychologist to improve her behavior because she keep repeat same behavior and action such as pestering me like I am a victim while I am in calm state until I triggered. Then all of sudden she switch to pretend to be a victim and say "What is wrong with you!? What is your problem!? Don't yell at me!" I told her that she did all of that in the beginning and I couldn't calm her down and have her listen to my reason until I got fed up and she switch to acting like a victim and gaslight no matter what I say. At first, she usually on offense and then switch to defense pretend to be a victim when it was my turn to talk. She treat me like I am a bad husband like I don't provide enough for her which I DID everything I can to support her physically and emotionally even provided her most of my money to her needs and rarely for myself.
> 
> There are several ridiculous examples like when she asked me to subcribe a channel for her to watch her home country soccer. I went online to buy subscription channel for her while I am on computer. I asked her kindly if she can go get my wallet for my debit card so I can purchase it. She looks at me and say, "you go get it yourself." I respond to her, "I am sitting on floor ordering a channel for you and you are closer to my wallet. Can you please go get it for me?" All of sudden she got an attitude and got up and walk to get my wallet and then toss my wallet to the floor instead of handling to me. I asked her why she threw my wallet at the floor with the attitude and she gaslight like oh I am not giving you attitude and I am putting this on ground. But her action was too obviously, I do not understand why she pretended to be innocent. Then she “punished” me that she won’t cook food for us until I apology and buy channel for her.
> ...


Unfortunately, you married someone you didn't know well enough. Her country, like every other country, has people with personality disorders. Therefore it's so imperative to live in close proximity with someone for at least a year before marrying. I can understand the disappointment you must feel, but you'll be dealing with the stress of living with her for as long as you're living with her.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

saints88 said:


> Thanks for your opinions guys! I will discuss with her about giving a final choice to seek MC together or it done. Stay tune.


The reality is, she isn't going to change. Going to counseling may help in the short term and give her some tools to deal with her issues, but this type of behavior is going to be a consistent pattern. 

Problems like this can't be fixed. Rather, they are just managed on a continual basis. It's up to you to decide if you want to want to be in that role for the rest of your life.

Work towards improvements, but don't keep holding on forever hoping that change is just around the corner. Be realistic that if things don't change or pattern keeps repeating, it is going to be like that forever. And whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER UNLESS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SURE OF YOUR DECISION.


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## saints88 (Oct 30, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you and your wife?


 @EleGirl I am 29 and she is 28.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

saints88 said:


> Is there a way for me to fix this or should I get a divorce paper?


No, you cannot fix this, and yes, get a divorce and be away from her. This kind of person does not change. If you stay with her, you will have a miserable life. And, please do not get her pregnant. A child will make things very much worse. And, any child born into this kind of home will be emotionally damaged.


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