# It's been 8 months and I still harbor anger!!!



## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

As title shows I have been angry or angrier than usual for 8 months or better, and I am not proud of it! My wife cheated on me only a month after we got married....yes I understand that is horrible, but (don't excuse the verbal abuse I put her through to get her to that point) do I think I deserve it?.....Yes I do but still it is very hard for me to just get over it! Have I thought of counseling for me/her yes and we both agree to go as soon as my insurance period enrollment starts. A little back history I am 27 years old now my wife is 24 we met a little over 2 years ago. At that time I had departed from a 6 year relationship, my ex bearing 2 of my children a now 8 year old son and a going on 5 year old daughter, which I only see every other weekend as they live 90+miles away.) Anyway my issue is I get angry secretly at my wife now for cheating on me, but I have physically hurt her and emotionally hurt her due to the unresolved issues at hand. I AM VERY AWARE I NEED HELP AND SHE SHOULD LEAVE ME! so issue tonight we had a great night at a amusement park, then her friend came over which she started hanging out with recently (she is nice) after her friend went home the stuff they were talking about reminded me of old issues so, my wife and I have been fighting since. This is the short story but any advice would be appreciated.......if all you have to say is she should leave me it's something I have brought up to her for over a year as I don't know what else to do.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

jlock111 said:


> My issue is I get angry secretly at my wife now for cheating on me, but I have physically hurt her.


No, Jlock, your anger issue is not the result of her cheating on you. As was evident in the verbal abuse you gave her well before the cheating incident, you were struggling to control your inner anger earlier. Indeed, you likely have been carrying an enormous amount of anger deep inside since your early childhood. To learn how to manage such deep set anger, it is important you see an IC (not just a MC) because your issues likely go far beyond a simple lack of communication skills. Were you abandoned or abused in childhood, perhaps at about age 3 or 4?


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

No I had a wonderful childhood, only thing I can think of is I used to use drugs I quit over 2 years ago. I believe it has changed the chemistry of my brain, not helping the situation. I do agree with everything you said btw thanks for posting.


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

I agree with Uptown.
Go to MC so the two of you can properly deal with your wife's affair under safe circumstances.
Get some individual therapy to rebuild yourself - find out why you react this way and how you can stop it. 

I know you know this, but you have to keep telling yourself that abusing your wife (physically or verbally) is NOT okay. It will never solve problems, only create... Keep telling yourself this and take control of your decisions slowly, thinking about what you do and the consequences they will have on your marriage and future.


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

Little Bird, thank you I am aware and sick about it and yes of course it has affected our marriage and I do not want it to happen anymore. She doesn't deserve it nor do I need to be feeling the way I have, I stopped drinking which has helped but still would like to see a professional.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

jlock111 said:


> No I had a wonderful childhood, only thing I can think of is I used to use drugs I quit over 2 years ago. I believe it has changed the chemistry of my brain, not helping the situation. I do agree with everything you said btw thanks for posting.


You should see a neurologist and/or a psychiatrist and come clean about your drug use. There are tests that can be done to find out if you have structural damage and other tests that can be done to see if you have some common biochemical damage. If you passed out regularly you could have had damage consistent with oxygen deprivation which if not treated and monitored properly can cause you to be more impulsive, which would include being more abusive and angry than usual. Unfortunately as a male you have to deal with testosterone as well as adrenaline when you are under stress. Stress management will go a long way, it will lessen adrenaline and more sleep also leads to better mental and emotional functioning as well as healing of the brain. 

It sounds like you are well aware you have a problem and are willing to take it seriously and do what it takes to get a handle on your recovery. Don't go guessing at stuff, see a professional. There are some Rx that can help pick up mental processing where your neurotransmitters have been scr*wed with, and also help you sleep better as well as not over-react to stuff, which has its own penalties. 

If you work out a lot try to tone it down and stay out of the anaerobic zone. When you work out too much you are telling your body that there is stress. Bodies/brains are stupid at their core. They have no clue you are in a gym, lol. They just say, oh, anaerobic and pushing to the limit...all systems go. You might also do well to lay off violent or loud/punk/metallica music as well as video games and movies that have a lot of action/violence to them. Don't speed too much, and avoid people who are confrontational/toxic. If you have to deal with them, blowing off steam doesn't lead to blowing off steam, research has shown that getting angry or upset leads to .... more angry and more upset. Go to the beach, chill, relax, take up volleyball or something like that.

PS I live with brain injury side effects (oxygen deprivation). I rarely if ever get angry any more. Most of getting angry was trying to figure stuff out that was other people's issues, normal stuff, but it just hurt to think about it and was confusing. As it turns out, trying to figure out other people's issues is a difficult undertaking, better to just sit back and let people advocate for their needs, there is no need to guess about it, just tell them, I have no clue what you need but you can spell it out for me and I will! (It's really other people's responsibility to look out for themselves, unless they're a kid, and then they should be learning how to look out for themselves, lol.) I had to really dig in my heels to throw on the brakes and counteract it all of the aftereffects from injury and stress related to injury, and unrelated stress that just added to all the anger (cheating lying manipulative control freak power hungry sexist Xhusband).


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

Homemaker, thanks for the input I have been doing a lot of research lately on anger and have discovered most of what you said. I would love to go see a professional but it's not a reality until I get insurance I unfortunately missed my annual enrollment sign up this last year so I am waiting for the next opening, first thing I am going to do is put myself in some sorts of counseling. Until then I have been taking L-tyrosine to help and trying to educate myself and talk about it with family and of course getting input from people like you is very helpful. Obviously there is always more to a story but I didn't want to write a novel for my first post. Thanks again for your input I value it greatly.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

jlock111 said:


> Homemaker, thanks for the input I have been doing a lot of research lately on anger and have discovered most of what you said. I would love to go see a professional but it's not a reality until I get insurance I unfortunately missed my annual enrollment sign up this last year so I am waiting for the next opening, first thing I am going to do is put myself in some sorts of counseling. Until then I have been taking L-tyrosine to help and trying to educate myself and talk about it with family and of course getting input from people like you is very helpful. Obviously there is always more to a story but I didn't want to write a novel for my first post. Thanks again for your input I value it greatly.


You can cover a lot of ground on your own and with your family and friends for support. If you are motivated you will have done most of the work before you are even able to start counseling. Most of it is avoidance, not the unhealthy rug-sweeping or avoiding acknowledging a problem, but avoiding exacerbating issues by exposure to opportunties for anger. You might take up yoga and archery, both are very relaxing, as is ballroom dance (mentally consuming for a leader, but also exposure to rhythm and movement...) Make sleep a priority, that's almost a sure bet. You can clean up diet as well, stick to regular meals and snacks, and avoid too much sugar, additives, caffeine...

You're off to a great start. Sorry you missed your enrollment. Be sure to keep an eye out for it for next year. You may want to doublecheck to see if you can get in for counseling even if you can't get in for general medical care. Talk to the benefits coordinator at your closest VA hospital to be sure.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

anger kills!!!!! i know i have been there alot of my life and battling it. alot of it is due to the way i was brought up, things i have seen and ways i learned with my own eyes, am i the opposite of all that, YES. but do i get angry because of it...YES! you have to draw the line at some point. you never know what you will do when you get mad enough. You have to slow down before you fall down. i bet the anger you have is from past issues, and are using it to fuel the fire for this particular thing even though that alone is enough to burn you up. physical abuse is not ok nor i verbal if you know these things do something for yourself and treat it! some people dont and they do things they wish they never did all from that one moment they had no control over. ive seen it myself. i hope that you find piece inside yourself and communicate with her about how torn you are over this, work on it or work your way out. your call! best wishes.


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

I like the part where you said I should talk to her and let her know how it is tearing me up, I know it is hurting her emotionally and that alone tears me up inside. I am not very good at sharing my feelings with any one but I want to get better at that too. I feel my marriage could be perfect or near perfect and I am not going to stop until I get to that point or die trying. Thanks for your input I really appreciate it.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

and you will share them. everything comes with time and you have to give time what it is...time. you can better yourself if that is what you want. you have to bring yourself your own happiness. easier said than done!!!!!!but i hope that you find some peace with it remember, communication is the key here


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