# Sucks sometimes



## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Ok, so been going through alot but have been pretty strong about it. It was 2 years ago since the W EA and about 3 months ago I realized that I couldnt continue. Been pretty strong and reconnected with family I put aside for the W and realized what they thought of my situation. Last night I just broke down, it just feels like there are no good paths to choose. None lead to a happy place. I know it's not true but it just feels like that. I realized how alone I am right now, no one to turn to and talk with about how much I hurt right now. I didnt have that in my marriage either but it felt like at least I had some control even if it was false. Now it is 100% alone and so depressing. I am so low I am reconsidering leaving, not really but it feels like even a loveless relationship is better than this. Ugh wish I could just fast forward a few months or years!


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Can't offer you anything but my sincere sympathy. I am yet to go through that myself.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Thanks, I know there is nothing anyone can say. Just wanted to share it to get it out.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sometime the only way is through the fire. The pain is the pain and I'm sorry you have to go through it. You have to take it one day at a time. Strong 180. Eat, sleep, pray.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Well at least I can always pray that I can eat and sleep. The 180 is the easy part, the rest sucks. It would even be easier if the W was being a pain or jerk. She is being great and who knows maybe this time she would actually change (unlike the many times she didnt). Problem is I dont love her at all, whatever was there is long gone. Just dont want to settle and get back into things until I get miserable again in a few months or years then go through this again.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If you need meds to sleep. Get them. At least you can get some sleep.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I know it hurts, I am 2yrs out as well, my husband had a PA.
I hear what you are saying many times over the last 2yrs I have wanted to quit as well.....
When I was going to therapy my therapist ask what I wanted I told him a happy marriage but I was scared to trust and believe again.........
He said recovery is your choice, you do it for yourself so you should do your best for yourself........
So I set out to be the best me I could be and I filled all my husband's emotional needs I focused on converstion, recreational companionship, affection.....sexual fulfilment, and be very respectful, I started to listen to him to figure out what he needed to be happy. 
It takes some work but the pay off for both of us has been better than I could ever have imagined......
the marriage before the PA wasn't all that great and a part of that was me not loving him the right way..........
That is the reason I tried and got myself to a place where I could forgive, this is a one time deal for me, my therapist said to me to just try UNTIL, if nothing ever happens my life will be happy, so far so good, so don't give up, take control, make her fall in love with you again.......
Life is a long time to live without any bumps in the road, you can't expect perfection, forgive and move on rebuilding something better, 
This is all you can do for yourself......if things stayed the same and no effort was made to correct the issues in the marriage it won't feel any different........
dont' be sad, take control, fight for what you want


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

That is the problem, I dont need to make her fall in love again. She still is and is doing everything right. I just cant get myself to fall in love. It would be easier (ok maybe not easier) if I loved her and wanted to work on things. Just so much crap then the EA then more crap that I lost that a long time ago and lost the desire to want things better with her, I just want things better. I dont know how to make yourself fall in love, dont know if you can. There was something there before but honestly dont know if it was love. We were married very young due to child and sort of just kept going after. So many problems we went through and it seems that dealing with all her issues is what kept me from being able to sit and think about how I felt. She was never there for me in 17 years. Now that she wants to be (or so she says) I just dont care. I figure I can live my life with her as my friend and hope I can find love with her again in a year or two or ten but I just dont believe you can force love and I dont want to go years feeling fake.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Oh and as for the sleep/eat, no meds needed I can sleep just hard last night and I am eating, just not enjoying it more forcing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm so sorry you feel that way and I can sympathize. I don't know, but I might be heading down that path one day too. I feel numb, like I've lost that spark for her. She's trying her best and going all out at times to make it work. Just faking it till I make it I guess.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm so sorry you feel that way and I can sympathize. I don't know, but I might be heading down that path one day too. I feel numb, like I've lost that spark for her. She's trying her best and going all out at times to make it work. Just faking it till I make it I guess.


LM do you spend time with her- 10-15 hours a week?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> LM do you spend time with her- 10-15 hours a week?


A helleuva lot more than 15 hours a week, maybe too much time together. Perhaps it really is 2-5 years to recover.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> A helleuva lot more than 15 hours a week, maybe too much time together. Perhaps it really is 2-5 years to recover.



Putting aside pangs of depression or anger I felt that "spark" fairly quickly into the recovery process. I miss her when I am not with her and really enjoy spending time together. We laugh a lot and have our own inside jokes, have come to enjoy many of the same things and the sex is still great.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

See that is what bugs me. I am 2 years in, still have no spark. Not even the feeling of a charge building. I did put alot in the last 2 years. Lots of time together, lots of getaways just us 2, lots of talking. I work from home so we usually see each other off and on all day. In the end, as she slipped back into the issues she had before the EA I slipped in hoping. 2 years I would have thought something would have come back even if it wasnt love. Just no desire for her or to be around her and now no desire to keep forcing it. We have our good times and inside jokes but it's nothing I wouldnt have with any longtime friend. I just want more than that, I want that spark. Sex has been crap, for a few months after it was often but I knew I was doing it to try and feel close and to feel better. After that period we went back to once every month (or less). I love sex but I need to be attracted to the person not just the body. Not like most guys from what I read.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Not sleeping but not because of everything. Tonight I feel better. Just comes in waves. Still feel the same just better about it. I came to realize that my issue is just not being honest with her. I am keeping her in limbo so of course I feel like this. Yes she messed up and maybe now she realizes things but I cant let her keep thinking it might be ok when I know it wont. I told her how I felt but I didnt give her what she needs. I wanted her to get help and accept things so it would be easier for me not her which is not fair. Little steps but at least in the right direction.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I feel for you and I am sorry.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Thanks, but no worries. I felt fine most of the time and it just hit me a few days ago for some reason. Last night I felt better and this morning good. Alot of praying and I think I just realized some things. I might have moved on a long time ago but my wife didnt and I am not considering that. I have been avoiding it hoping she comes to the D decision to make it easier for me. I just need to deal with things.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Just curoius, have you had any kind of counseling? Have you read any of the books that are recommened on many of these threads?

Do you think you would still be in love if there had been no affair?


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I am going to do counseling but have been away for work off and on (more on) the last few months. Done next week. Books, yes many and tried to follow them which is why I tried so many different things to get it back. If there was no affair? Hard one. It was 2 years ago and we were basically just good friends and I did think of divorce but what was expected of me and my kids outweight it. The affair just pushed me over. It made me loose the little of whatever was left.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi again, 

I think you need to decide what is best for you, I think the way you feel about your wife and staying with her will only end up in resentment and a lot of loneliness for you. 
when you have been married a long time you do go into the loving you stage that isn't all butterflies......I think if you need her to be there for you, you start asking for her support, she isn't a mind reader, maybe she doesn't realize what is missing, can you ask her to read the book the love dare, or watch the movie fireproof.....
Maybe figure out what each other's emotional needs are and learn to do them the way the other likes.........
Can you see yourself continuing like this in the future?
Can you imagine life without her, does it look happier for you.....
What is it you are looking for, it there something better out there for you......
Not all marriages are meant to be .........maybe to much has happened....maybe there is no turning back for you......
Maybe you are letting yourself be stuck in that place and won't let yourself fall in love with her anymore........
something inside of you a decision won't allow it, it won't let you feel


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Good hard questions

Can you see yourself continuing like this in the future?
No way, I been doing it for 2 years and just broke. My breaking is what caused her to see but those 2 years beat out what was left. Just feels like it went on too long.

Can you imagine life without her, does it look happier for you.....
Hard question since you never know what the future holds but I dont see it being worse. I have always felt like she treated me like her child so not dealing with that alone would be nice.

What is it you are looking for, it there something better out there for you......
Better? Who really knows, that is the struggle. I am not looking for butterflies and wild sex. I am looking for a partner to share my life with. One I can look at and look forward to sitting in a chair next to when I am old. A best friend that I love and trust who I can be open with.

Not all marriages are meant to be .........maybe to much has happened....maybe there is no turning back for you......
Maybe you are letting yourself be stuck in that place and won't let yourself fall in love with her anymore........
I am stuck in that place, been there a long time. Not sure if you can get out of it or you just need to move on. Just not sure the difference between stuck there and it just being gone.


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