# Dilemma with former friend - can't believe I have tolerated this for so long!



## worriedwithfear

So I have had this "friend" since around 2004/5 and I have finally decided to cut ties with him once and for all but there is an issue which I'll come to at the end.

This guy has always been rather sarcastic and rather attention seeking etc. but at first I found this amusing myself and went along with it, as this is my sense of humour as well.

We have stayed in touch and for more than 10 years or so now we have travelled together on mainly short trips, occasionally with others. But he's not someone I have met on a regular basis socially, just occasionally. Anyway, I have finally realised that this guy was never really any kind of friend to begin with. The long and short of it is that he would always find a way/opportunity to poke fun of me at some point when we were with other people in a social setting, whether it was strangers or people I knew. For the last few years it would involve my lack of hair/being bald as I have had a totally shaved head. He would quite often point it out and dish out some kind of stupid joke about it. For example, compared my head to maltesers (chocolate), once I was wearing a hat and took it off and asked a girl who was with us what she thought of my hair etc. Just childish stuff. He is balding himself so I know that this is simply an insecurity and he takes it out on me. Among other things he would occasionally make sarcastic, silly comments on my fb photo albums, point out my dark skin complexion, tell me and others with us how I would suck at doing xyz. In general he would just attempt to embarrass me in a subtle and unsubtle manner. Here's the thing though, when it was just me and him, he was fine, no making fun at all, it only happened when there were other people around. The worst thing by far though was about 5/6 years ago on his birthday and I called him just to say I was bringing someone along as a surprise and I didn't want to tell him despite the fact that he carried on asking. I obviously caught him in a bad mood because he then snapped and said "If I was in your situation, I would have killed myself by now" I was literally in shock and just speechless. Even so, I went to his bday and soon forgot about that. I realise that I should have never spoken to him again from that moment.

I now realise looking back how two faced this is - people who are nice to your face but then the moment there are other people around, they look for any opportunity to make fun of you and embarrass you and put you down. Keep in mind, I have hardly ever spoken badly of him, hardly ever retaliated I guess because I just took it as a joke and pretended I was fine with it. I guess this has been my mistake.

I finally cut him out 2 years ago. He figured out I removed him from FB, blocked him on my phone etc. but he managed to find a way to contact me and informed me he was getting married. I don't know maybe I just felt for him and figured I'll just go to his wedding. That was fine and he was actually for once being decent. Eventually we had a sit down and he wanted to know why I had cut him out. I explained to him the reasons and simply asked him to stop with the insults and the unnecessary jokes. He never said sorry but just said he understood. We met a couple of times again, with other people too and he was actually fine the entire time, no put downs or anything. At this point I genuinely thought maybe he really has changed and matured due to being married, mid 30s and the fact that I told him as a friend to stop this childish nonsense etc.

So this summer I invited him and his wife to a week trip with a few other friends of mine. Things were ok for a couple of days but then after dinner on one of the evenings, he crossed the line in a way he hasn't before (certainly not in front of others). We were playing this game, 2 truths and 1 lie and you have to guess the lie. His two truths were that he took a leak (urinated) in the sea near me and that he said my head looked like a malteser in front of my two friends. I was shocked but just didn't know how to respond. He could visibly see I was annoyed and upset but then just continued to use his bullying tactics and say things like “he's about to go and cry” My friend suggested we should play another game and he's like “yeah I want to play around with his (my=me) self-esteem.” It's interesting during this time though his wife wasn't at the table. The next morning though he brought up again and told his wife what happened last night and again he was just laughing about it even though he could see I was unhappy. I got through the last couple of days and we haven't spoken since.


I can't believe looking back on all this now, how on earth I have tolerated someone who is a downright pathetic bully with a mentality of a 12 year old. I cannot believe I have associated with someone like this for so long. Infact this guy is worse than a bully, as he pretends that we're friends somehow but then will find any opportunity to mock me when we're with other people.


Anyway, the issue now is that we booked another trip sometime ago for a week in about a months time. I am contemplating selling the tickets or simply going anyway and just ignoring him for the flight there and back. I haven't made accommodation arrangements thankfully. What do you think I should do?


----------



## chillymorn69

Hes intimidated by you or hes just a bully.

Sell your ticket and advoid this joker!


----------



## Faithful Wife

Don’t go on the trip. Don’t speak to him again and don’t explain why. He’s just not going to get it no matter what you say.


----------



## Adelais

Sell your tickets and don't tell him anything unless he phones you. When (not if, when) he calls you tell him a few things he did over the years, and that you no longer want to be friends with a person who treats you that way. When he apologizes, don't give in and start being friends with him again.

In the future, don't ever keep a friendship going with someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated. 

You gave him too many opportunities to disrespect and abuse you. That friendship should have ended years ago.

The time you waste with the wrong people is time you could be spending with quality people.


----------



## sunsetmist

With a 'friend' like this, who needs enemies? He is, as you have said, not a friend, but a bully. I imagine not too many others want to be his friend either, therefore he keeps coming back to you. 

Don't let yourself be drawn down to his level. Sell them, tell him, death knell the relationship.


----------



## Oceania

Aaargh... I feel like reaching through my tablet and giving your 'friend...not' a slap up the side of the head! Sorry. I think I'll just have a lie down instead.


----------

