# How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?



## MerryMerry

We've been married almost 2 years and been in counseling for about 1 1/2 +yrs....almost the entire marriage.  We started out with a couples counselor for 6 mos, starting doing individual thereafter for 6-8 mos, concurrently switched to another marriage counselor, then a family counselor (briefly), and now we see our minister for our only counseling (for about the last year almost.) Sounds confusing, but the jist of it is that we've been seeing someone constantly. 
My point it that every counselor we've seen has given us concrete suggestions to follow, books to read, exercises to practice, things to try, etc. I can honestly say that I've tried every single thing that has been suggested to me, whether I agreed with it or liked it or not...I was willing! I changed a lot of my negative behavior and feel I've become a better mother and wife, for the most part...not perfect, but improved. My husband has NOT followed direction, or he "picks and chooses" what he wants to do..for a few days. If I'm the only one who is participating in this "change" then how can this work? It seems my husband (I don't say DH because he's not "devoted" or "dear"...) is just not willing to take suggestions. We're both 40 or so, so we're both set in our ways a bit and got married after we'd already formed our great big opinions of the world, but I'm at least trying to be more flexible and am receptive to what these counselors are trying to say! Do I stay in counseling with him forever waiting for that "magic banana" hoping one day he'll get it? Or am I just spinning my wheels with a man who obviously doesn't want to put forth the same effort that I'm willing to put forth? I'm learning a lot, but his tires are spewing mud in my face! I'm ready to go into our ministers office tommorow morning and say "Forget it! I'm done!" I just don't think it should take a smart man this long to get his act together and do a little work! Am I crazy? When do I give up? I'm miserable.


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## MerryMerry

Can someone give me any advice? I can't sleep over this tonight and could use some insight/objectivity. Thanks.


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## jtk

MerryMerry said:


> Can someone give me any advice? I can't sleep over this tonight and could use some insight/objectivity. Thanks.


I will just jump in here and say, I really wish I had some advice to give you. You and I are almost in the same situation.

Granted, we are not in counseling but I too have a husband who claims to want to work it out, yet puts forth very little effort.

I'm VERY frustrated to say the least, and just about to the end of my rope.

So, I feel for you. Have you expressed to any of the counselors that you feel he is unwilling to participate fully?


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## MerryMerry

Thanks for the response jtk. I have expressed his resistance to counseling in our sessions and he'll say "I think I've come a long way!" Right. If he's come so far, then we wouldn't be working on the most basic issues continuously for this long. I'm careful not to compare my growth to his because everyone is different, but I am looking at how hard he's worked compared to how hard I've worked. Plus, all our sessions have revolved around his inability to communicate, or his inability to behave appropriately, etc. So if everyone else we've talked to is saying that he's the one that needs to make these changes, and that I'm not doing anything wrong then why should I even bother going anymore? I think both parties should be doing the work, not just one. I've always been told "if nothing changes, nothing changes!" But I also know that I can't make him do the work, and can't love him into healthy behavior...only he can do that. I'm so frustrated.


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## jtk

So many times on theses boards it is being said 'Men don't think like we do, they don't understand, you need to show them, you need to take them by the hand etc., (which I feel is true to a certain extent), but man, I am having a really hard time accepting this. If the DESIRE is there then it doesn't take that long to learn something with effort. They claim to want to fix things but expect it all to just magically fall into place on its own. I really believe with my H it is laziness. Mental laziness. I agree you can't carry the load on your own. I know I feel like my life is passing me by with each day that things don't change.


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## voivod

i can only advise based on my experiences. our first couples counselor was fantastic. she knew the right questions and the right hypotheticals to present. i truly believe that, had she not taken another job (school district counselor) that we would be back together and happy.

our secong counselor was a disaster. but only in the sense that he pissed off my wife so bad, she quit going. had we stayed with him, i think he was building toward as positive conclusion. unfortunately, i, too, quit going to him.

my point is, regardless of what you think is no progress, maybe your counselor is building to something. good luck.


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