# Leave



## PYJ (Jun 21, 2021)

I want to leave my husband after 9 years of marriage. We just dont connect anymore and i dont feel in love anymore. I have been thinking a lot about My ex that i still have feelings for. I see him off and on and everytime i do i feel those butterflies. The problem is, my husband is a great guy and an amazing father. I dont want to hurt him or my kids, but i have always had these feelings in the back of my mind, and i recently found out my ex still has them too.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You’re rewriting the history of your marriage because of your infatuation with your ex. If you can’t be honest with anyone else at least be honest with yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My advise is to stop any thoughts of and contact with your ex and focus on your husband and children who would all be devastated if you blew up the family.
You made promises, you have responsibilities, you have no reason to end the marriage except for your own selfishness. You are not free to be with anyone else or persue anyone else. You are taken. 
If you feel you have no connection then go to MC. Have date nights. Take up a hobby together. Work on improving what you have.

What sort of man goes after a married woman with young children anyway.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You don’t want to hurt your husband but you see your ex off and on ???

If I were your husband I would want to know. I’m no woman’s “plan b” guy. I’d rather be divorced.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> You don’t want to hurt your husband but you see your ex off and on ???
> 
> If I were your husband I would want to know. I’m no woman’s “plan b” guy. I’d rather be divorced.


This. I feel sorry for your husband. Let him go find someone who loves him for real.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I'd cut ALL contact with the ex. You will deeply regret it if you leave, and it will be too late. Just stop all and every communication you have been sustaining with this ex. He is an ex for a reason, and you seem to forget this reason. You are fortunate to have a great husband who is also a great father to your child. Just don't.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If your ex is so great, why is he your ex?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

This is happening to you because you are allowing yourself to daydream about the past and your ex. You need to stop that crap right now before you blow up your life.

Is your ex married? Do you think he is going to dump his wife/kids to start over with you? The answer is NO, he is just bored and ruminating (as you are) and wants some easy “strange”. If he is unmarried and expressing interest in you then he is a cad, devoid of decency. He is an “ex” for a reason, remind yourself of this.

You imply you have kids. If they are young, what will you say to them when they wonder why Daddy can’t live with them anymore, why they have to move, change schools, leave their friends and wonder why everyone is “mad” at Mommy. If they are teenagers, they will likely side with Dad (as the betrayed) and wonder why their Mom is such a skank.

All of the above (and more) because you are bored. Feelings come and go, act on them at your own peril. Focus on your husband and children and, find another outlet for your boredom, remember why you fell in love with your husband.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How do you know that your ex feels the same way?


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## PYJ (Jun 21, 2021)

PYJ said:


> I want to leave my husband after 9 years of marriage. We just dont connect anymore and i dont feel in love anymore. I have been thinking a lot about My ex that i still have feelings for. I see him off and on and everytime i do i feel those butterflies. The problem is, my husband is a great guy and an amazing father. I dont want to hurt him or my kids, but i have always had these feelings in the back of my mind, and i recently found out my ex still has them too.





Rowan said:


> If your ex is so great, why is he your ex?



we dated when i was 19 and he was 25. We broke up because he didnt want to hold me back from college. He got married to someone else and has been divorced for a few years. I moved on and met someone in college and later got married too. But ive always had feelings for him and i did think he was the one back then. I thought he didnt have the same feelings i do, but now know he does. My marriage has never been the best but i stay because of my kids. Now im really considering leaving to see how things would be with my ex, but there is so much to consider


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ick. Your husband will be so much better off if you divorce. Then he will be free to find an honest, loving relationship and you can be free to whatever.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Living the Dream. Romantic exciting interesting boyfriend. Provider, good with kids, Husband.
And people wonder why I'm never dating again . . . . sigh


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

PYJ said:


> we dated when i was 19 and he was 25. We broke up because he didnt want to hold me back from college. He got married to someone else and has been divorced for a few years. I moved on and met someone in college and later got married too. But ive always had feelings for him and i did think he was the one back then. I thought he didnt have the same feelings i do, but now know he does. My marriage has never been the best but i stay because of my kids. Now im really considering leaving to see how things would be with my ex, but there is so much to consider


How do you know he does? Are you seeing him?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Well, if you are going to do it then at least do it properly by leaving your husband before embarking on an affair with your ex and making sure that a) your kids are properly looked after b) your husband does not lose contact with your kids (give him custody?) and c) your husband doesn’t end up financially screwed.

Did you “settle” when you married your husband or did you really love him? 

Are you casting your marriage in a bad light to justify your leaving?

He May be the man of your dreams, he may not. There is nothing that says you do not deserve happiness but you need to handle it properly and with dignity for everyone involved.

Finally, if you do leave and the grass is not greener on the other side, please do not degrade your husband by crawling back to him as a Plan B. He deserves better than that.


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## PYJ (Jun 21, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> How do you know he does? Are you seeing him?


We were talking a while ago


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

PYJ said:


> We were talking a while ago


What sort of man goes after a married woman with the children? Are you having an affair?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Living the Dream. Romantic exciting interesting boyfriend. Provider, good with kids, Husband.
> And people wonder why I'm never dating again . . . . sigh


We are not all like that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

PYJ said:


> We were talking a while ago


You have already started cheating on your husband. You are having an emotional affair. If you are discussing old love and reminiscing about the past with your ex you are in an affair, plain and simple. If you have any interest in staying married you need to cut off all contact with your ex BF right now. Anything less and your marriage is over and if you care about you husband even in the smallest way he deserves to know the truth and he deserves a chance to find someone that actually loves and cares for him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What sort of man goes after a married woman with the children? Are you having an affair?


She is talking with her ex, I'm sure without her husband knowing, and at least one of the topics is that he still loves here. She is already having an affair.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> What sort of man goes after a married woman with the children? Are you having an affair?


What kind of a woman who is married with children goes after another man??


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

You are looking for an illusion, a utopia that does not exist. If you have an affair, you will temporarily live in that allusion and destroy your family for it. If you leave your husband, you will eventually look at your ex and realize he is no better than your husband. You are looking for something externally that you can only find internally.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She is talking with her ex, I'm sure without her husband knowing, and at least one of the topics is that he still loves here. She is already having an affair.


Presumably the other guy knows she is married with children though?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Presumably the other guy knows she is married with children though?


Safe bet he does, but doesn't care. If there is one thing I've learned in my short time here, it is people who lust after some one, they don't think about who they are hurting along the way. They are extremely selfish. Some my even think they are following their heart, but in reality they are just being a selfish person with no regard to those that love them


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The notion of romantic, happily-ever-after love is a powerful force. However, it's not grounded in the reality of day-to-day living.

Yep, you are already into the depths of an EA. Divorce your husband. He deserves someone who loves him.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

The grass is not greener on the other side. 

At least be honest with your husband and divorce him. 

Don't stay "for the kids," my parents did it. It sucked! 

Do the right thing for your whole family and divorce before you enter a new relationship with your ex. 

I hope your husband finds happiness with someone else.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> And people wonder why I'm never dating again





Diana7 said:


> We are not all like that.


Certainly not. In fact you are great example of a person with the right kind of dream.
But the dream is popular, and it is gaining traction. The 2 man dream is replacing the Disney happy ever after dream. It has long surpassed the "a baby will fix everything" fallacy. To me the 2 man dream is the most frightening aspect of serious dating. 

To the OP @PYJ :
The dream is a lie. You are all caught up in it and it is hard to see but the math of averages comes to bite your tushy.
Every romantic thrill man out there is a polygamist. It comes with the thrill. He isn't going to stick to one love. He is going to hop from flower to flower until some Judge forces him to be someone's Provider. Then the money is gone, and with it the fun.
Every provider man out there desires to be the romantic man. When his providee stops romancing him (sexing him really). He will become unhappy and he will start looking for a new love. Statistically a good provider will end up providing for about 3 women. And in most cases, he won't provide much. 

Greedily securing two men for yourself means one of two things. On the average some woman somewhere will have none. Maybe that wouldn't bother you. OR both of your two men will be involved with at least 2 women.

Don't pick this dream. It's a lie.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

Most people don't bother to listen to all of the warnings. They think their situation is different, "special." And then they end up wishing for a time machine to go put back all of the pieces later. Good luck to you, OP. I hope you don't wreck your life.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Twodecades said:


> Most people don't bother to listen to all of the warnings. They think their situation is different, "special." And then they end up wishing for a time machine to go put back all of the pieces later. Good luck to you, OP. I hope you don't wreck your life.


And the life of her husband and children. But I supposed she feels chasing her love interest is worth more than them.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

PYJ said:


> I want to leave my husband after 9 years of marriage. We just dont connect anymore and i dont feel in love anymore. I have been thinking a lot about My ex that i still have feelings for. I see him off and on and everytime i do i feel those butterflies. The problem is, my husband is a great guy and an amazing father. I dont want to hurt him or my kids, but i have always had these feelings in the back of my mind, and i recently found out my ex still has them too.



WOW...what a lucky husband you have. Sign me up...

I guess it's a good thing you don't want to hurt your husband by seeing another man on and off, hate to see if you didn't him..yikes!!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Don’t listen to anyone here telling you to stop contact with your ex!

I suggest you stay in contact with him, and also start immediately telling everyone that your ex is the one. Start by announcing it to your kids and husband, your feelings and happiness are important! Make this public, speak your truth loud and clear to everyone.

Do you have a close group of female friends? Maybe a girls’ dinner soon, tell them too. Tell your friends, they would love for you to be happy, maybe he could come to the dinner too! You should also do a family thing where you invite your parents, your siblings etc, even your in-laws, and tell them. Bring him along, the biggest and most exciting part of a new relationship is meeting the family, he’ll feel so proud when he hears he’s invited to meet your parents!

Another idea - and thank God for social media - make a public post announcing everything you’ve told us about him etc, a picture of him would be even better, talk about the first time you met and what you both endured, but none of that matters because destiny finally brought you together. There are great apps for editing photos, inspirational quotes about being true to yourself and so on. People love a good love story, they won’t think you’re crazy, they should all know, why should you hid

Do you work? I think it’s really important you tell your boss and coworkers about him, you’ll probably need some time off in the future when you move in together, and it’s a heads up for future work functions because they’ll be so excited to meet him.

I’m not sure if I’ve left anything out? Your boyfriend wouldn’t like to be hidden or kept secret, show him off to everybody he’ll love you even more for it, I mean nobody wants to be kept in the dark. That way he’ll know your love for him is real.

You could start all this tomorrow, bring him home to your husband and the kids, I would make his favourite meal.

When you tell everybody, you will feel amazing, and just ignore anyone who tells you you’re living a fantasy! It’s not a fantasy because you’re going to tell everyone!

And then you can leave, and never look back!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So wait you are leaving a good husband the father of your child for someone you dated for a few years when you were a teenager living at home? OK, good luck with that.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Depending on how young and aware your kids are, be prepared to spend decades trying to get them to accept this new man in their lives, or of trying to get him to accept them, or both. Assuming you don't decide to just let your husband have sole or primary custody.

Putting aside aside the immediate pain and guilt your, should you follow through with it, decision is likely to cause, the long term consequences of it may be more than you can handle. If you are set on doing this, speak with a therapist first about how to break the news to your husband and kids. And make sure your ex is who you apparently believe him to be. He needs to be more than "the one that got away". He needs to someone safe and dependable, etc.

I lean toward believing you shouldn't stay if you are unhappy, though you can try to fix it with counseling, and, while perhaps true, I can't really know how much you are rewriting both your marital history and the history you have with your ex. I mostly think, as I said above, you need to think in the long term, and not just in terms of what you hope will be short-lived feelings of guilt, and regret over what "should" have been. Is your ex or anyone else really worth it?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PYJ said:


> we dated when i was 19 and he was 25. We broke up because he didnt want to hold me back from college. He got married to someone else and has been divorced for a few years. I moved on and met someone in college and later got married too. But ive always had feelings for him and i did think he was the one back then. I thought he didnt have the same feelings i do, but now know he does. My marriage has never been the best but i stay because of my kids. Now im really considering leaving to see how things would be with my ex, but *there is so much to consider*


No there isn't. You are married with children. End of discussion. You don't have the right to blow up your family. Divorce will turn your childrens and husbands worlds upside down, how selfish.

Cut all contact with the ex immediately, and put the energy that you're putting into him, into your husband and children, where it belongs.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

PYJ said:


> we dated when i was 19 and he was 25. We broke up because he didnt want to hold me back from college. He got married to someone else and has been divorced for a few years. I moved on and met someone in college and later got married too. But ive always had feelings for him and i did think he was the one back then. I thought he didnt have the same feelings i do, but now know he does. My marriage has never been the best but i stay because of my kids. Now im really considering leaving to see how things would be with my ex, but there is so much to consider


Give your hubby tge house and primary custody so he can continue being the dad he is while you go play with ex and be 19 again. I bet being back with your first love that yoy will not give your children the attention they deserve. Your attention will be to your new fling so do the right thing and give husband custody.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

PYJ said:


> I want to leave my husband after 9 years of marriage. We just dont connect anymore and* i dont feel in love anymore*.


When you say you don't feel in love anymore, it probably means that you never did love him. What you really loved was how he made you feel. You loved those exciting new relationship feelings. Now, you have *chosen* not to love your husband because he’s not giving you that infatuation which no marriage sustains long term. Your marriage vows probably included loving each other unconditionally which you are not doing so you’re breaking your vows. You are being selfish and you are cheating on your husband and come here looking for validation. Start loving your husband rather than just how he makes you feel. You owe your husband better. He deserves better. So, decide to love your husband. It is a choice that’s followed by action, not a feeling.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You should not have sought out your EX. That is a betrayal of your vows.

How much effort do put into loving your husband, to connecting with him on his level, where he is ? Not much if you are meeting the EX.

To leave a solid marriage to a good guy who is an amazing father for some butterflies you get from some EX is foolish & short-sighted. Butterflies are BS. It's some stupid fairy tale . It's unsustainable. If your EX was so all fired wonderful, he wouldn't be your EX. Your relationship with him would have worked out long ago.

If you want butterflies with your husband, build a lepidopterarium (a butterfly enclosure) together. Double down on making your marriage work & bringing that fun from when you were dating back. Marriage takes work. Do the work. It's hard when you are juggling kids, a job, life & just trying to get some sleep but you owe it to your husband & your kids to not just give up for a fairytale.

You foolishly think that life with your teen romance EX will be the carefree dream it was when you were 19. It won't be. You will still have to work & you will still have kids, only now you will have to shuttle them back & forth to see their dad & contend with all of their resentment & issues because you broke up their family. 

Your EX may have been fun to date when you were a child but you are an adult with responsibilities now. Act like it


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I disagree with the advice that OP should forget the ex and stay with her husband. He deserves to NOT be in a marriage with a woman who doesn't love him. Regardless of what happens with the ex, please divorce this man so he isn't living a lie the rest of his life, stuck with a woman who doesn't love or respect him.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't know why everyone is giving you a hard time. You're literally doing exactly what everyone here always tells someone who betrays their spouse that they should have done.

If you have feelings for the ex, and you can't let it go. Do the right thing. Divorce your husband, find a good way to co-parent with him. Then, and only then, move on and explore stuff with your ex.

It doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes people just marry the wrong person. Only you know the truth.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

what the op said in her oping line is what she needs to do " I want to leave my husband after 9 years of marriage. We just dont connect anymore and i dont feel in love anymore. " 

the bit about the ex that comes after and you and he might not work out or you might but it has nothing to do with what you said first , if you don't love each other your 
just acting a role and unless your a good actress it shows he is not getting or your not getting what you could or should out of it


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Looks like OP did not get the validation she was looking for and has flown the coop, never to return.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

PYJ said:


> I have been thinking a lot about My ex that i still have feelings for. I see him off and on and everytime i do i feel those butterflies.


Define 'off and on' how often is that?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I personally believe none of the warnings are going to get through to you. That’s not why you are writing here. Just be honest. You want people here to tell you to go after your ex. Rekindle that love you two had! So exciting!

I’ll be that guy. Go after your ex! Rekindle your love! It will be super exciting!

just tell your husband first before you do. Make sure he has all the information he needs to make an informed decision. You’re a big girl. You can make adult decisions. If you don’t want your husband, then don’t stay with him. If it’s cool that you go after someone that loves you, wouldn’t it be fair that your husband can find someone that loves him? I mean, you did say he’s a great guy…. It’s only fair that he can find a good woman to live as well?

of course, you can also go the coward way. Have a one-sided open marriage where you can have all the cake you’d ever want to eat!! That would be a great way to treat a “great guy”, right?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You have so many choices here... the reality of where you find yourself is really all you and taking the time to come to some clarity where you are going to leave you in a much better place because how you decide to choose is far more important so you don't cause more suffering in your life.

Love yourself more... anything that steps in the way of your marriage is going to blur your healthy vision and you will begin to trust things that lack the ability to satisfy your desire de jour. Your husband by your own words is a great guy and amazing father, yet you have butterflies for an ex.

Think about this hunger, this leftover feeling that you are wanting to fulfill... is it something that can really satisfy or is it something that while you remember with fondness, it will not come close to tasting the same because so many things around it have changed. Are you willing to give up everything you have built so that you might be satisfied for even a few moments?

He didn't want to hold you back from college... sounds reasonable, but he is willing to hold you back from your marriage?

That does not sound reasonable, it sounds selfish... perhaps the first was selfish too.

Loving yourself more means not being selfish.

Only you know if you are holding yourself back from loving your husband more too... your husband deserves all the efforts, all the thoughts, all the love that you are spending on someone else.

If you truly cannot give him your best, he does not deserve your mediocre, or worst.

Your actions will always follow how you think first... we can lose ourselves in unhealthy emotions, our feelings creating a pattern of false thoughts and securities that set the stage of poor choices.

Observe wisely.

Choose wisely


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