# Wife doesn’t feel the need for sex.



## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Me and my wife have been together for 15 years, married for 6 and we have 3 boys, 5, 4 and 1 year old. I love my wife dearly, and would do anything for her and our relationship. Our sex life is fine to her, and our relationship is great to her eyes. The problem is that I am not fulfil when it comes to our sex life. When we do make love, it’s amazing, ok it is routine, always me on top. But she tells me she likes it that way. I`d like some variation... She has no interest in giving me a Blj, nor she wants me to go down on her, it happens rarely. We have sex one every 1 or 2 week, we`ve done one a month often this past year. I do a lot around the house, dishes cleaning up after meals, I try to be as helpful as I can. I`m with my kids twice a week alone as she`s giving a course at night. I`d like for her to show that she wants me, loves me. But after a big letter that I sent her she responded with, `I don’t know what to tell you, it’s just not there` meaning that the need to have sex is not there. But when she`s alone she will masturbate with her vibrator, bullet. Which is fine by me, I`m extremely open to masturbation and I encourage her...but I find it sad that it’s not happening with me... I`ve asked her how she felt about her, about her naked, and she tells me that she is comfortable. I asked her about me, if she like what I bring... I think she`s not telling me everything because she doesn’t want to hearth me. Or she’s shy about telling me her fantasy, how she would like to get fu...cked, harder or.. Today I`ve sent her another note telling her how I felt we were just friend and this weekend I felt like being alone with the kids, not having her around, fed up with trying. I know this is selfish, but I`m tired of giving... She tells me that she will go see her doctor, now that tells me that it might be hormone... So my question to whom ever had this before and solved it, being having no sex desires. Before seeing the doctor, is there something we, or she could try that would spark that need for intimacy, sex???

I`m out of idea.

Thanks in advance for any suggestion you may have.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

your trying too hard, back off and show more interests in other things and leave her alone for awhile, your a pushover and she doesnt like it. there are a zillion posts on here just like yours, read up

incidentally, the above worked for me quite well


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

I don’t believe I`m a pushover, but then again I might be wrong. I think I leave her a lot of room, I`ve never talked about it before, because she gave birth 3 times in the last 5 years. But now I`m at the point of giving up, pack my bags and leave. So I tried my best to communicate what I was excepting of a relationship, and from my wife. And told her how I felt. She was shocked cause she believe everything was perfect... So for the past 4 years I`ve dedicated myself to be the perfect husband, always there with the kids, cleanup the house, tell if I would be late...all things women wants from a men, at least, from what I can read. She would tell me to bug off if I was to pushing. I respect her and would not do anything that she would feel uncomfortable to her. We have a good communication. She tells me she doesn’t have the need, or that it is not there, and that worries me. That is why I`m searching for other women’s that experimented that in their past, and what was done to solve it, if solvable. My wife is planning to see the doctor, I`d like for her to be more informed before she does so...the doo and don’t of what a doctor might suggest...drug wise perhaps, there might be a natural avenue...doctors, they are paid to give drugs even when there is a natural alternative. I hate drugs...or hormone...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

so is she also worried because she lacks desire or "doesnt have the need?" she is going to the doctor and i think you should at least see what comes from that. but she has to want it to be fixed, she has to realize and understand what it does to you and care enough to fix it.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

That is the thing, she does care, a lot. For me the `Need` and `Desire` are the same. So I`d answer yes to both, basically, she doesn’t become horny, if I can say that. So she’ll never chase me down for sex...ouff.  Yes she wants it fixed, she wants to go see the doctor now, I think it`s overreacting. There must be other things we can try... I don’t know, that’s why I’m here looking for answers.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

MGirl,

Are you still with him? If so, how did you get through that? My wife won't tell me that but I still think she just doesn't want sex with ME...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Check into the "manning up" stuff in the Men's Forum. Some women (definitely not all!) don't want a nice guy, even if that's what they might think they want. 

Is she on birth control pills? Any other medications? And at least your wife is wanting to fix things. Have you used the toys on her? Does she have an orgasm (or two... Or more) when you're with her? Are you SURE she does? 

Some women (I think) are worried about telling their husbands what they want or need, especially after many years of being together because they don't want to hurt them, as you said. How you break through that, to let her know that you're ok with constructive comments, I don't know. Maybe you can have a "post sex" cuddle/huddle and both of you have to give one positive comment and one "constructive" comment.

C


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## IH8theFriendZone (Mar 14, 2011)

Timy, yours is a tough one my friend. And, until recently, I was in your exact shoes. And only time will tell to see if I still, in fact, am (e.g. if this is just a phase or if my wife has had a change of some kind where she is now more sexual). That being said, I have two thoughts:
1. kick that vibrator to the curb. She obviously has a sex drive or she wouldn't use it. I'd treat it with _almost_ the same degree of emotion and focus as infidelity. She knows of your need, but *chooses* not to satisfy that need and instead satisfies an obvious need of her own. This is a direct affront and an insult to you as a good and decent husband who is obviously caring and attentive;
2. You're too good of a husband and you're too caring and you're too attentive. And she doesn't care of fulfilling a need she knows you have because she knows she can get away with it and fulfill her own obvious need. Look, bro, I was *in* your shoes. I know how it feels! I wanted to be so damn good of a husband she'd discover a newfound appreciation for me and things would be as magical as they were in the beginning! Instead, it just became a fact that now she didn't have to worry about cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom cuz she knew I'd do it. And then when I eased up a bit, now I wasn't being as good a husband -- total lack of appreciation, pure and simple.
The truth is, only you can make this decision, but you need to communicate, not yell, not argue, not debate, but communicate how emotionally eviscerated you feel and how her refusal to satisfy a *critical* need she knows you have leaves you in a constant state of torment. You need to tell her that you would never willingly deny her of a need she has expressed and you know to be so important that you have every ability to satisfy; and yet she does so toward you seemingly with ease. And to add to the hypocrisy, she then goes and takes care of herself! 
I hate to say it comes to this, but IMHO, she needs to see (and you have every right) that you will not stand for this, even if it means the destruction of the marriage, for which YOU WILL NOT be blamed (although don't try to bring blame into it). It will take all the courage in the world, but this is what I believe it comes to (or will come to).
I was (and might still be) in your shoes my friend. And you can rest assured that if I can confirm that whatever upswing we're on is only a phase, and we revert back to where we were in 2010 and prior (but especially 2010), it's over. I'm walking with my head held high. (or as high as I can hold it, but I will certainly attempt a stoic and determined, but justified exit)


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I lost my attraction to my husband. I didn't desire sex and would even cry sometimes before or after. I think it can happen without a woman even realizing it until it is far gone.

Personally, just realizing what was happening has helped my change my frame of mind. I never really knew what I needed or wanted and so I am actively figuring that out and working on it. I figure it will take time, though.

So...for me it was that my husband was not speaking my love language (read The 5 Love Languages) and in my eyes had turned into a lazy blob. Sexually, he was too gentle and turned me off by asking for sex. Asking for sex turns it into a chore or wifely duty. 
I had become emotionally distant, too.

Some things that have helped:

*Spicing up the bedroom with toys and variety of positions

*My H has started being more aggressive in bed-he still asks for sex sometimes, but he gets much better results by pouncing on the bed and playfully mauling my neck, telling me to take my clothes off, chasing me around the house, etc.

*Get me off first (or really close) so that he can thrust hard and fast and not worry about me. I find this very pleasurable. Otherwise, we always know we can do other stuff after for me. Either way, we no longer look at sex as a one act wonder so there is not as much pressure.

*An idea to help with oral...have an intimate shaving session. I'm a lot more open to it since I have started shaving and I wish my H would do a little shaving down there, too.

*Teasing and flirting. I cannot tell you how important this is for sexual desire. Sadly, most married people stop doing it. Start flirting and teasing your wife...sext her once in awhile.

*Come up behind her and kiss her neck
*Put your hand(s) on her waist

*See if there is anything you can do to improve your physical appearance. If you need to drop a few pounds or whiten your teeth, get a hair cut or anything like that. Put on her favorite aftershave or cologne.

*Take her out on fun dates once a week...or at least a couple times a month. Don't just settle for dinner and a movie. Try different things...do stuff where you can talk to eachother and do something physical sometimes.

*My H seeking me out to have conversation with me...we even shut our bedroom door so we can focus just on eachother and not the kids. Conversation with my H is seriously like foreplay for me.

A lot of sex is mental. This is good and bad. If she is willing to change her thinking about it that can go a long way to change her level of desire. She needs to start thinking about sex with you more, though. I'm actually kinda surprised she is masturbating, but not having sex. That makes me think it really isn't hormonal....it is that she isn't sexually drawn to you right now.

Really, be more aggressive is the best advice I can offer. Make her laugh and giggle! Tease and play with her. Create some passion.

We've gone from about 3-5 times a month to 3 times a week and I'm willing to go for more. I'm not going to say I'm horny, cuz I haven't really gotten there yet. But things are much more satisfying for both of us. 

I've never been to the doctor about it...although I did bring it up to my midwife during my last pregnancy almost 4 years ago. LOL I can't even remember what she suggested, but it wasn't medication...


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

notaname , It actually make sense, she does use the vibrator, and during the two months together Mat and Pat leave we never made love, not once. Although she always tells me that the best time for her is in the morning, we were two months together, so lots of mornings and nothing happened even when I was making advance. But how can I convince her to tell me something like that, this is obviously something you don’t tell someone...but in a relationship, it’s a must. Wow, any idea on how I could have her tell her true feeling on this subject?

BTW, thanks IH8theFriendZone for your feedback. But I’m in the beginning of this and don’t want to be harsh on her. Mind you that in 6 months from now if this continues and that she knows exactly how I feel. It would be a bummer...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This type post is very helpful to all the men on here who have bought into the totally wrong notion that being sweet and loving all the time makes for a happy marriage. 

Being kind and loving is only good when coupled with sometimes being edgy and aggressive. A steady diet of "sweet" kills desire for many/most women. "Sickeningly sweet" is just as applicable to sexual desire as it is to food. 

I can't speak for other men. For me, the fact that my W is "generally" aggressive and has an edge to her personality is super hot. TAKING a strong woman is incredibly erotic. 




MGirl said:


> Definitely still with him and we're actually just now working on getting through it. I felt *so* ashamed for years and couldn't bring myself to tell him that I had no sexual attraction for him. I just broke down awhile back and put it all out there. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I was tired of lying.
> 
> For me, the unattractiveness stemmed from the fact that he's a really sensitive, sweet guy(which is great, too!), BUT that just doesn't get me hot and bothered in the slightest. I need someone alpha and more dominant to get my sex drive in gear and that's just not his nature.
> 
> We're just now figuring all this out(hence why I'm here), but at least we've identified the problem. I know several people here have recommended checking out marriedmansexlife.com if it happens to be an issue related to mine.


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## IH8theFriendZone (Mar 14, 2011)

Timy said:


> notaname ,
> BTW, thanks IH8theFriendZone for your feedback. But I’m in the beginning of this and don’t want to be harsh on her. Mind you that in 6 months from now if this continues and that she knows exactly how I feel. It would be a bummer...


Hey, no worries my friend. Only you truly know your situation and you have to do what you feel is right. And it would be unfair to her if you escalated this too quickly. The important thing is that you communicate your needs unapologetically. She has the right to agree with you and she has the right to disagree with you. But she does *not* have the right to make you feel criminalized or "in the wrong" for having the needs you have. First, just about every expert out there will say that not only is sex important in a marriage, but it's critical and often a barometer of the happiness in the marriage. But second, your needs are your needs, plain and simple. You cannot be held at fault for needing what you need. That would be like being at fault for having the wrong color eyes or the wrong sounding voice. You are who you are and you should not have to ever apologize for it. 
Communicate your needs and don't apologize for them and establish that you are also equally concerned about fulfilling her needs as well as having yours fulfilled. There must be equality in a marriage to work. Don't sell yourself short.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Try being more reserved. Be home less. Be LESS serious and more playful. Try to tease her into a wrestling match. Overpower her - but don't try to turn it into sex. And above all else STOP talking about how you feel. Let her talk about how she feels. And pay attention to how she talks to you. My guess, she is disrespectful in a "subtle" way. And you need to stop that but not with "anger" loud voice. Use humor or a sharp edge in your voice. 

If you are constantly "around" and she is always feeling a light vibe of "desire" from you - that is likely a big, big turn off. 

If you are around much less - and when you ARE around you are playful and aggressive but not sexual - you may get a different response. 




Timy said:


> notaname , It actually make sense, she does use the vibrator, and during the two months together Mat and Pat leave we never made love, not once. Although she always tells me that the best time for her is in the morning, we were two months together, so lots of mornings and nothing happened even when I was making advance. But how can I convince her to tell me something like that, this is obviously something you don’t tell someone...but in a relationship, it’s a must. Wow, any idea on how I could have her tell her true feeling on this subject?
> 
> BTW, thanks IH8theFriendZone for your feedback. But I’m in the beginning of this and don’t want to be harsh on her. Mind you that in 6 months from now if this continues and that she knows exactly how I feel. It would be a bummer...


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Timy said:


> notaname , It actually make sense, she does use the vibrator, and during the two months together Mat and Pat leave we never made love, not once. Although she always tells me that the best time for her is in the morning, we were two months together, so lots of mornings and nothing happened even when I was making advance. But how can I convince her to tell me something like that, this is obviously something you don’t tell someone...but in a relationship, it’s a must. Wow, any idea on how I could have her tell her true feeling on this subject?


She might not even know or understand her real feelings on this topic. Really, I didn't know what was missing sexually until I started reading marriedmansexlife.com . I just knew I wasn't into it and I felt pretty bad about it. I think you are pretty safe to just move forward on the hunch that this is the problem. I would never tell my husband that I stopped being sexually attracted to him...ever. We've been making improvements without that being necessary.

When you say "make an advance" could you elaborate? Or can you see differences between what you have been doing and what I described in my previous post? You went two months without sex and I wonder if that was you being told no a lot or waiting for her to make the move on you.

I think that a lot of sex doesn't happen because both people are waiting for the other person to make the next move.

Does she just tell you no and block your hands and stuff? Cuz, I have been known to do that and it mostly is because I am not revved up enough. It doesn't mean I can't get there with some effort.
The flirting, tickling, wrestling, laughing, giggling, teasing, chasing, etc will help turn her on so that her defense response will lower. Having fun is super important.

This won't be cured overnight. Keep that in mind because it will be so easy to give up after the first time doesn't work out the way you want it to. We've had some times where our signals get crossed and it is best to try be open about it and say let's have better luck next time. Look at it as a mutual journey towards better sex rather then having hurt feelings.
If there is nothing hormonally wrong-or a major relationship issue-I would expect you to start seeing results as you change your approach to sex.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

the problem with some of the advice here is, timy, you have to do all the work and she will still likely reject you, she is left with that sole and powerful choice, she is in control of your sex life. i still advocate you making a major change in the other direction, back off and act disinterested. thats the only thing that turned my similar situation around and headed it off in the right direction. i changed my mindset that sex from my wife was a reward for me being a good husband to, hey you like sex too and if you want it let me know, otherwise im going to do something else.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

notaname said:


> I lost my attraction to my husband. I didn't desire sex and would even cry sometimes before or after. I think it can happen without a woman even realizing it until it is far gone.
> 
> Personally, just realizing what was happening has helped my change my frame of mind. I never really knew what I needed or wanted and so I am actively figuring that out and working on it. I figure it will take time, though.
> 
> ...


This is fabulous advice. As a woman I can say this advice is spot on.

I would hate to be asked for sex, or asked can I? Just get into it!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The fisherman doesn't get excited about fish already in the boat. She's caught you and you bend over backwards to satisfy her every whim. You are the fish in the boat. She doesn't have to tease you, attract you, or spend any effort to entice you. I bet when she's using the vibrator, she's not imaginging some guy doing the dishes or being helpful around the house. Don't be so available and quit asking her for sex or complaining about not getting it. Tease her now and then with a little nibble or squeeze but leave it at that. She denies you and that makes you attentive to her every need. In any transaction, the party with the greatest need puts the other party at an advantage. Act as if you don't really have a need. Develop interests outside the home. If you seem happy and content and you're frequently gone, she will likely imagine that your need is being supplied elsewhere or it soon will be and she'll dust off her uniform and get back in the game. Right now, she can afford to be a passive participant.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

So I did have a chat with my wife yesterday. Was it good, not really. I felt so frustrated inside that I could barely say what was on my mind. But we did have sex, she had a big O and it was amazing...feel like a brand new man this morning. OK back to this, So what I am getting from MEM11363 and okeydokie is to back off. I can back off a bit but I feel that if I do, we`ll have a sexless marriage, or close to it. She rarely makes advance, maybe cause I always do them I guess. I could give that a try, but I don’t know how long I will last... Technically for me, making love to my wife would be 2 to 3 times a week, I know this might be a lot, but that what I would like. So for me to back off, I’m scared that this will become once a month... I guess I’ll need to make the decision and psych myself to go down that path.

Notaname-Well `make advance`, here is my definition : During my two months home together, has stated before she told me that her best time was in the morning. So on multiple time in those morning I would tell her that I would like to coddle, the baby was sleeping...a she would respond that we had a lot to do, or ignore my approach, just give me a quick kiss and turn away. During the night or when she comes to bed, she tells me it’s too late, or if she’s sleeping she pushes me away hard enough to think that she sort of discussed be that I would say, blocks me like you said. I like what you suggest, my approach. It is probably bad, or the approach is sex oriented... I tried the slow approach, cuddling her, kisses, rubbing her back and when the kissing was getting more intense I put my hand, slowly close to her crutch, and she said, Here’s the breaking point...that pissed me off. So I need to read more books on how to approach I guess, lol. 

Can you give me some feedback on the book Five love languages, would it be worth it for me to buy it? I’ve seen the name in a couple of post here... or his need, her need? Or any other suggestions that might help us from what you have read on our situation.

Cheers and thanks to everyone!


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Thanks unbelievable, make sense the way you put it, as I said, I need to psych myself and do that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think many women never mature past the high school phase of "I have the ***** so I make all the rules".


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We are basically only advanced primates. Nature has equipped men to service several women but women are equipped to be impregnated by one. They are instinctively competitive because women had to compete with each other for mating rites. Marriage is a societal institution which conflicts with our primal instincts. Women don't decorate their homes, get their hair done, work out, to please men but to compete with other women. When does your wife get dolled up? When she comes home to you or when she leaves the house? Go to the mall with her and watch her pick the "competition" apart. Allowing her to at least pretend that you're not a sure thing should trigger her competitive instincts. Also, men are pretty much ready for sex 24/7. Women have to slowly work up to arrousal. They are just wired differently than we are. When she's not looking, help out with chores so she's not exhausted all the time. Give her passionate kisses, caress her butt, but walk away appearing happy and content. Start working out and pay extra attention to your appearance but make sure she sees you as confident and content. A stealth approach is often better than a frontal assault.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> We are basically only advanced primates. Nature has equipped men to service several women but women are equipped to be impregnated by one. They are instinctively competitive because women had to compete with each other for mating rites. Marriage is a societal institution which conflicts with our primal instincts. Women don't decorate their homes, get their hair done, work out, to please men but to compete with other women. When does your wife get dolled up? When she comes home to you or when she leaves the house? Go to the mall with her and watch her pick the "competition" apart. Allowing her to at least pretend that you're not a sure thing should trigger her competitive instincts. Also, men are pretty much ready for sex 24/7. Women have to slowly work up to arrousal. They are just wired differently than we are. When she's not looking, help out with chores so she's not exhausted all the time. Give her passionate kisses, caress her butt, but walk away appearing happy and content. Start working out and pay extra attention to your appearance but make sure she sees you as confident and content. A stealth approach is often better than a frontal assault.


As a woman, I have to agree - this is SO TRUE!

Women dress for women, they don't dress for men unless they're in the bedroom.

I know, as a woman, that the little things rev me up. Him patting my butt as I walk by; kissing me on the neck as I'm washing dishes; patting me on the shoulder while we're in bed watching TV - these all feel like love touches to me and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Doesn't even have to lead to sex - it's a type of caress that tells me he's thinking of me and loves me. 

Believe it or not, women can be as simple creatures as men are. We just speak a different language. But a little can go a long way with us too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I think many women never mature past the high school phase of "I have the ***** so I make all the rules".


We're not all like that.

I've never used and will never use my ***** as a weapon - I find this disgusting.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I didn't say all and men aren't all that mature either.


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## Troyman (Mar 13, 2011)

Welcome to my world. 

Exact same situation except 10 years ahead of you. 

Just recently she told me she was not going to even try anymore, and if she was not in the mood the answer is always going to be no. We are now averaging about 1 every 8 weeks.

Like you, everything else in our marriage is great. We go on dates every week. We are very affectionate at other times

All the ideas posted are good, but I have tried them all. None were effective. In the end she has no desire, and not willing to satisfy mine.

This sounds crazy, but to make my marriage work I have started taking Prozak because if offers the side affect of decreasing my sex drive. If I had not started taking it we would be divorced. 

The Prozak has helped, but after about 6 weeks it really starts to bother me again and I think about divorce.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm sorry I can't relate. I simply can't understand how every other aspect of your marriage works well. Maybe it does but I can't understand that. My own utterly sexless marriage is simply one affect of a completely dysfunctional relationship that does not work in any way. If we got along or could even tolerate one another the lack of sex would seem even more mysterious I suppose. In our own private hell my wife lost her ovaries in her early thirties and did not opt for hormone replacement therapy. So that's got to have something to do with it. But since we don't get along with one another anyway, it's hardly the outlier it would seem to be otherwise.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Timy and Troyman,

I would listen to MEM and others about manning-up. Most of us have already been where you are and tried everything "we thought we should do". I've been manning-up and had to do the 180 and totally de-stablize the marriage just to start to see some signs of improvement and it is still a slow go at that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

(Page 26 of 38) - Indirect Aggression Among Women Explained by Competitive Mating Strategies and Digit Ratio Asymmetry authored by Anderson, Grace. and Reid, Scott.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Wow, I would never take a drug for that...your really to dedicated. I would be long gone... I raise my hat to you for trying. But, this is not love, sorry...if she doesn’t care enough...have her read this forum, or books on relationship. Cause if she loose you, she will remain single for the rest of her life.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Timy,
Does anything from the link below "resonate" with you? 

I will tell you this. If you are already meeting all her needs and you KEEP meeting all her needs, and simply stop asking for sex, she will continue to NOT have sex with you. 

Backing off means deprioritizing her - WITHOUT being a dikk.

Let me give you an example. 
You are watching tv together and you get up to get a drink. She asks you to get her a drink while you are getting yours. If you refuse to do that you are being a dikk. 

If however you increase the amount of time doing things that are good for you - going to the gym, playing in a sports league, etc. and she tries to over ride your schedule so you can do what she wants, then you nicely and firmly say no. THAT is deprioritizing someone in a non jerky way. 

Read my thread below. Maybe you are keeping the emotional temperature in the house to hot for her. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html










Timy said:


> Wow, I would never take a drug for that...your really to dedicated. I would be long gone... I raise my hat to you for trying. But, this is not love, sorry...if she doesn’t care enough...have her read this forum, or books on relationship. Cause if she loose you, she will remain single for the rest of her life.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

The Five Love Languages is helpful to figure out what says "I love you" to your partner. It works best if both of you know and try to speak the other persons language. My husband is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is quality time and conversation. My love language is like foreplay for me...I need it to have good feelings towards my husband and feel emotionally connected.
There are online quizzes that can identify your LL: 
Love Language Quiz | Five Love Languages
Love Languages Test

If you decide to take the quiz send your results and the link to the quiz to your wife and tell her you'd love to know her love language. 

I do think that you would benefit from reading the MarriedManSexLife.com blog. He has some good tips on bringing back the attraction. Read about the Ten Second Kiss.

I'm really happy you two connected last night! Now, you might be tempted to leave her alone until your frustration builds again. DON'T! Today you need to do some things that you don't expect to lead to sex (although cool if they do). Pick something from the tips I listed on the other page. You can text her something sexy, kiss her neck, have a tickle/wrestle session or a combination throughout the day. 
The great thing is you won't be projecting sexual neediness today so it is a perfect time to do these things. It is also good for her to see how great you feel and act when your need for sex is being fulfilled.

Your normal approach is too soft/gentle and needy. That was my husband, too. He was a VERY gentle lover. His approach would either annoy me or put me to sleep. Stop rubbing her gently or asking-that will not get her in the mood. She needs you to create passion-better to go for playful mauling and bouncing her around on the bed. LOL
If you get her giggling or get her to blush or anything like that in bed tonight don't be afraid to tell her (not ask) to take her shirt off...or pants. Kind of growl it or say it low and with a twinkle in your eye. If she responds with more giggling or a positive (or neutral) response then go to it. 

Here is a very short post on the MMSL blog you should read.

Now, I know people think this is really one-sided and you have to do all the work. I promise that if your wife was on here I would have a whole list of ideas for her. It would be great if she would start making some changes, too. If you think she will then we can come up with some stuff for her to do. BUT, I really think that by changing your approach you can cause change for the better regardless.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Wow, I see myself in the Warm spot... It’s getting clearer. Thanks a lot. I will lower the thermostat for sure.

Have you read the book 5 love language? Any comments on it?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL. 

First of all I LOVE the whole love language concept. It is excellent. Oh - except for one giant problem. If you are already doing TOO MUCH for someone, using that book simply makes the problem worse. The authors list is: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

He ALMOST got it right. He is missing a HUGE one. And that is "sacrifice". Because every time you choose to do what one person wants over what the other wants THAT is sacrifice. If you truly love someone you are GLAD to do that. Because making them happy makes YOU happy. And when both spouses have that mindset, they come to a happy compromise on sexual frequency because the LD partner WANTS TO PLEASE the HD partner. I am fluent in this positive dynamic because I live it. 

In many/most sexually broken relationships, the low desire partner simply has the attitude of "I don't want to so we aren't going to". While the high desire partner is sacrificing like mad to try to make the LD partner happy. And THAT is a recipe for disaster. Because the constant subtext back and forth is:
You: I don't really deserve you
Her: You don't really deserve me, so try harder



Have you read the book 5 love language? Any comments on it?[/QUOTE]


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> LOL.
> 
> First of all I LOVE the whole love language concept. It is excellent. Oh - except for one giant problem. If you are already doing TOO MUCH for someone, using that book simply makes the problem worse. The authors list is: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
> 
> ...


[/QUOTE]

He does cover sacrifice - but under the heading of "acts of service."

I found it to be quite helpful in that there are different dialects within each love language - the love language itself (the type) is not the entire picture.

Discovering the different dialects within a love language is equally important.

Read the book - very helpful (was to me).


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Thanks again notaname, I didn’t see your response until I’ve submitted mine. Note that I did sent her a text will coming back home. But I hesitated because I’m should lower the heat…and sending her a text goes against that I’d say. But I usually text her a few times a day, so that text was my first and last. So I guess that’s fine…\

MEM1163- I just buy the book at noon, read the first few pages and it looks good. I’ll have more comments in the near future. Is there a book that explains the “Thermostat” concept? 

By the way, thanks for all the support guys, I really appreciate it.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Notaname, I showed her this forum yesterday, I went to bed and she browsed a few pages, 45mins. I think it would be best if she would come and ask the question herself, then she would basically say exactly how she feels… It takes two to form a relationship, so my belief is that both should put in the effort. And I think we have that, but its only the communication part when it comes to sexuality, maybe I am to intense… which I will easily change. Just to what degree I need to change is still unknown to me. But what type of idea are you referring too?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

That is great that she has browsed the forum. It might help her to see changes she can make and how important sex is.

As for turning down the thermostat...I think you can do that and still become more sexually aggressive at the same time. So, when I said text her something sexy I meant flirty innuendo or a comment about last night. But, if you have been texting her several times a day and she never initiates texts or calls then yes, pull those back. MEM has wonderful tips and advice.

What advice would I give to a woman who is just not feeling it with her partner? Here are some of the things I think help, but will not apply to everyone. Hopefully every woman can see places that she can improve upon. I do not think these all will apply or be helpful to your wife. I'm just putting them out there.

*Change how she thinks about sex. If she has begun to see it as a wifely duty or chore that will need to be changes. Start seeing it as the expression of love between two people. Start seeing herself as a sexual woman...not just mom or wife or employee or busy person. Also, if she feels that somehow sex has been twisted into a form of currency where she has to pay for her needs to be met or he earns sex by performing certain tasks that will need to be changed.

*Decide to be available for sex every day. When I decided this it was the start of everything changing. We don't have sex every day, but I am willing...I've even started initiating it. Make it a goal that there will be sex at least 3 times a week (that is the lowest number that promotes optimum health and wellbeing). 

*Show that you are willing to have sex by sending signals...these will probably be the same signals a woman sends when she is dating.

*Start to think about sex with your spouse and fantasize. Think about what would turn you on and share it with him. If you don't have any idea read some erotica or romance novels for ideas. Consider reading those to help get in the mood.

*Buy something sexy to wear. If you haven't been wearing jewelry, perfume, makeup or doing your hair start doing that everyday. Shave your legs often and consider shaving your female region.

*Take responsibility for your own happiness and life. Work on yourself--health, career, hobbies, etc. 

*Learn your husband's love language and make it a priority to speak it daily. Have him take the quiz and share with eachother what your LL's are. If he needs physical touch try to give him a kiss, hold his hand, rub his back or whatever each day. If it is words of affirmation then thank or compliment him each day.

*When your husband speaks your love language make sure that he knows how much it means to you. Show or tell him your appreciation. Reward his efforts.

*Be a happy, fun person to be around. Don't sit around waiting for your partner to make the first move. If you like hiking, invite him hiking. If you want to see a movie, invite him to the movie.

*If you feel like a martyr or victim change your attitude. You are in charge of your own life. When you do things that make you start feeling like a martyr change your mind and do the act out of love.

*When your husband does something that turns you on make sure you let him know either with words or actions. Make sure he knows when he hits the right buttons. 
*When he is sexually aggressive respond to it. When he initiates playful tickling, wrestling, chasing have fun and laugh. Initiate tickle/wrestle/chasing yourself. Have a good time!

*If you have lingering resentment over something that is in the past make peace with it. Let it go...forgive and move on. If there are current issues then bring them up in an adult manner and work towards resolution.

*Ask for your husbands opinion on things. Ask about his hopes and dreams and plans for the future. Become interested in him and his ideas.

*Become more of a participant in bed. Try out different positions, etc. It is a joint experience! Figure out how to please your husband...care about his satisfaction. Give him a BJ...jump in the shower with him and give him a hand. 

*If you are unhappy with your husband's appearance find ways to encourage him to improve it. This can be weight, clothing, teeth, hair, general hygiene, etc. You can be flirty about it "You would look so hot in this shirt" or practical "I am starting to worry about your health, let's start an exercise program."

*Treat your husband like he is your dream man. See in him what you know he has the potential to become. Focus on his strengths. When he talks about things he wants to improve in himself encourage him and become his cheerleader.
It can also help to let go of who you think he is and get to know him again. A lot of times we have this false or biased view of who they are (or what we think they should be) and it can cause a lot of misunderstandings and heartache.

*If you are still having a tough time getting in the mood for sex take a shower or bath before bed. Not too hot or you will be drained of energy. Soap up.  Light candles in the bedroom.

*Wash your sheets.  Clean sheets just beg to be sexed on. 
Beyond that...clean your room. If your room is cluttered or in disarray it really makes it hard to get in the mood. Make it a priority that your bedroom is your couples retreat...your sanctuary. Make a rule that there are no kid toys allowed and enforce it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YES YES

Be more of a challenge by reducing the quantity of love you express - not the quality. STOP with all the texts - let her chase you a little. 

And LISTEN to notaname because she represents the norm. 

In my home - well if we only had gentle sex in my bed, we would have almost no sex at all. And that is very much not the case. 

And do not ask your W if she wants you to be more rough/aggressive. Just DO IT and see what happens. 




notaname said:


> That is great that she has browsed the forum. It might help her to see changes she can make and how important sex is.
> 
> As for turning down the thermostat...I think you can do that and still become more sexually aggressive at the same time. So, when I said text her something sexy I meant flirty innuendo or a comment about last night. But, if you have been texting her several times a day and she never initiates texts or calls then yes, pull those back. MEM has wonderful tips and advice.
> 
> ...


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

STOP writing letters. START hitting the gym, hanging out with your partners a little more and taking on some projects. You're in the "friend zone" with your wife. Get into yourself as if you're a single guy about to hit the club, except bring that attitude home. Leave a little bit of mystery to it, you don't owe her an explanation for any of these changes, you're your own man.

Other than that, you're getting some really good advice in this thread. I also have a set of e-books that some people on the board have been circulating if you'd like to take a read. If so, don't talk to your wife about it, this is a YOU thing. PM me if interested.


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## IH8theFriendZone (Mar 14, 2011)

Blue Moon said:


> STOP writing letters. START hitting the gym, hanging out with your partners a little more and taking on some projects. You're in the "friend zone" with your wife. Get into yourself as if you're a single guy about to hit the club, except bring that attitude home. Leave a little bit of mystery to it, you don't owe her an explanation for any of these changes, you're your own man.
> 
> Other than that, you're getting some really good advice in this thread. I also have a set of e-books that some people on the board have been circulating if you'd like to take a read. If so, don't talk to your wife about it, this is a YOU thing. PM me if interested.


This advice is golden. Between notaname's list and MEM's thermostat post, this might be one of the single best, most concise threads on this forum.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Thanks for all the feedback. My wife read my post yesterday. She didn’t give me any comments on it, note that I didn’t ask too much. She looked sword of upset, I couldn’t tell exactly. I did ask her if she was ok and she said yes. Your Thermostat concept, is there books on the subject. What I get from that is, if person A in the relationship always goes after B, text, kisses, and all other stuff. Technically, A is taking all the room, leaving not much for B to express their love or affection or whatever. I`d like to read some more on this topic/concept. 

I wouldn’t want to be women for the reason that society makes sexuality for women so bad. They (society) would prefer see a wimp kill someone then a women making love to a wimp... It`s not ok for a women to have a high sex drive, they`ll be considered a sl...t. Nor is it ok for them to masturbate, bad girl.. My wife told me after reading some letters that I gave her that she would stop using the vibrator or masturbate, I find this really sad, because there is no better to enhance your sexuality, to better know your body, and 100 more reasons.... Hopefully she will find that a tool to solve this is masturbation, to better know herself and be able to see how good it is, but then again I might be wrong...  I`ve read some post on women that started mass..in their 40s, and they say that they wish they would have found it earlier.

What do you girls mean about being more `sexually aggressive` or `rough/aggressive`. I`m not sure she`d like that..? Can you give me details on that?

Thanks again and cheers for now,


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## IH8theFriendZone (Mar 14, 2011)

Timy said:


> My wife told me after reading some letters that I gave her that she would stop using the vibrator or masturbate, I find this really sad, because there is no better to enhance your sexuality, to better know your body, and 100 more reasons.... Hopefully she will find that a tool to solve this is masturbation, to better know herself and be able to see how good it is, but then again I might be wrong... 


For whatever it's worth, because my marriage is far from perfect (I have yet to post my story), I think you're absolutely incorrect. If your wife got herself off _on top of_ fulfilling your sexual needs, more power to her. But the fact that she has deliberately (whether either of you choose to admit it or not, I think it's deliberate on her part, if not subconscious) chosen her vibrator over you when you have clearly been wrestling with a lack of sexual fulfillment in your marriage...and she knows this...is completely unacceptable. I think the fact that she gave up her vibrator is a tremendous first step...maybe even worth acknowledging to her. Regardless, she can get to know more about her sexuality *through you* first, and then experiment or whatever with her vibrator when she has addressed your needs for fulfillment and you both have developed a symbiotic sexual/intimate relationship.


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

This appears to be the best place to post this, any advice would be helpful

We have been married for 26 years, 2 grown or think they are grown children. She is disabled but is able to drive, cook, get around really well. I work full time 40 - 48 hours a week.

We have been in marriage counseling for 3 years, we don't talk to each other very well. We both go to counseling one on one and I attend group counseling. 

She has no sex drive, no adventure, oral is out and unless I am on top or she has the vib; well thats the way it is. I've told and written down what I like but to no use. It's been brought up in counseling, I want our marriage to work. I am re romanticizing her, love letters, notes of love around the house, flowers, thank you for doing the stuff around the house, calling twice a day from the office. 

I am running out of desire or want to make it work. I know that God sends your spouse to you so you can learn about all the crappy stuff about yourself and the same for your spouse. That you fight tooth and nail and stand naked and throw spit wads if that will keep your marriage alive. 

How does on know when the other has quit trying? How does one know when to call it quits?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Timy,
Regarding the thermostat - I haven't written the book yet. 

I will tell you this - a lot of people on here who have read my posts on that point immediately grasped the concept and put it to use. You understand part of it already. If you "crowd" her with too much love, she just feels smothered. And she "feels" like you are so afraid that she doesn't love you - that you have to constantly ask "do you love me - do you love me - etc." by bombarding her with a never ending stream of loving acts. Because at a certain point - ILY comes across as "Do you love ME?" And I think you may be at that point. 

Back off - stop saying ILY first. Stop texting/calling/emailing her first. Stop initiating hugs. Let her breath. And let her choose to come to you when she wants. She will. Just focus on other stuff for a while - and be home less. When she wants more love from you she will ask - or she may take you to bed. 

Find a book, or a web site that explains how to be more aggressive/dominant in bed. Read and learn. 




Timy said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. My wife read my post yesterday. She didn’t give me any comments on it, note that I didn’t ask too much. She looked sword of upset, I couldn’t tell exactly. I did ask her if she was ok and she said yes. Your Thermostat concept, is there books on the subject. What I get from that is, if person A in the relationship always goes after B, text, kisses, and all other stuff. Technically, A is taking all the room, leaving not much for B to express their love or affection or whatever. I`d like to read some more on this topic/concept.
> 
> I wouldn’t want to be women for the reason that society makes sexuality for women so bad. They (society) would prefer see a wimp kill someone then a women making love to a wimp... It`s not ok for a women to have a high sex drive, they`ll be considered a sl...t. Nor is it ok for them to masturbate, bad girl.. My wife told me after reading some letters that I gave her that she would stop using the vibrator or masturbate, I find this really sad, because there is no better to enhance your sexuality, to better know your body, and 100 more reasons.... Hopefully she will find that a tool to solve this is masturbation, to better know herself and be able to see how good it is, but then again I might be wrong...  I`ve read some post on women that started mass..in their 40s, and they say that they wish they would have found it earlier.
> 
> ...


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

IH8theFriendZone said:


> This advice is golden. Between notaname's list and MEM's thermostat post, this might be one of the single best, most concise threads on this forum.


Thanks my friend.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MWIL,
The thing is "sacrifice" is pervasive in a marriage. I don't mean that in a bad way. It goes way beyond acts of service. And while Timy needs to create passion his W needs to see a willingness to have sex - to let him get her in the mood - as a core sacrifice SHE needs to make for the health of the marriage. 

Just as he needs to be a sport about the fact she will likely never have the same drive/desire level he does and his sacrifice is in graciously accepting that. And in a great marriage a lot of sacrifice is invisible to your partner. Because you make it so. 

In his case the funny part is he is going to need to sacrifice his need for a "very warm" emo temperature in order for her to be really happy and feel desire. He is going to feel uncomfortable and he is going to HAVE to conceal that discomfort. Because if he shows her his anxiety he will raise the emotional temperature that he so badly needs to lower. 



He does cover sacrifice - but under the heading of "acts of service."

I found it to be quite helpful in that there are different dialects within each love language - the love language itself (the type) is not the entire picture.

Discovering the different dialects within a love language is equally important.

Read the book - very helpful (was to me).[/QUOTE]


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Timy said:


> What do you girls mean about being more `sexually aggressive` or `rough/aggressive`. I`m not sure she`d like that..? Can you give me details on that?
> 
> Thanks again and cheers for now,


Don't get too caught up in the language because the words are a little imperfect. 
When I say sexually aggressive I mean exactly what I outlined in my tips for you.

When you are soft and gentle you are providing comfort, safety and lulling her to sleep. This is great and wonderful, but *not if you want sex*. Do that stuff at other times.

When you chase her...I mean actually run after her in the house...you create excitement, fun and passion. When you tickle, press her body to you as you firmly kiss her mouth, wrestle, playfully maul her neck you are creating this passion. She senses your physical strength when you do these things. Again, it creates excitement and butterflies.

A lot of men are very kind, giving and gentle in bed. They caress very lightly (for me this is ticklish in a bad way) they rub and massage very gently...again this makes us bored and sleepy. Then you try to cop a feel and it just pisses us off.
It is especially disappointing when the man is very slow and gentle with his thrusting (or even stops) in order for him to last longer so she can "go" first. The downside of this is that she can't get to where she needs to be either! The work around for this is to get her almost there before switching to penetration OR have her go first before penetration (she might go again). THEN the man can go deep and fast and it is very, very pleasant for both parties. Everyone comes away feeling fully satisfied. If she doesn't feel done, other methods can be used until she does. Remember women can have multiple O's.
Man on top or doggie methods are also a physically "dominating" position. Don't be afraid to use more than one position during a session....you can start cowgirl and move to doggie or whatever.

Asking for sex is a display of sexual neediness and gives her all the power to say "nope, not gonna happen." Heck, I've come to realize that saying no is a reflex on my part...even when I am actually open to having sex! (I am working on that, though)
Creating passion and making sex happen by initiating and following through puts you in the sexually aggressive/dominant position and gets her EXCITED to have sex with you.
Even when I initiate I want my husband to "take me" or act in a way that builds more passion rather than passively participate.

When I say sexual aggression I do not mean hurting her or abusing her. Now, some women enjoy being spanked a little or nipped/lightly bitten...you have to work that out together. Communication is the key to satisfaction.

OK, this post seems really TMI, but hopefully it is helpful. *blush*


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

airplane, have you read the link to MEM's "thermostat" thread? It sounds like you are making too many overtures towards her. Not sure how long you've been doing that, but you may be lacking actions that would create passion.
Read all the tips on this thread on changing your approach to sex and you could probably benefit from reading in the Men's Clubhouse section on manning up.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

OK, I think I`m following. But if I gave hard long and fast stroke, I’m pretty sure she won’t come before me as you said. We really have to be more open, I mean when it come to foreplay. I would love to play with her body, kiss her everywhere, eat her...make her come before or just before she comes to do it hard or just feel what she wants. Another things is that she find that she is not clean enough down there for me. Although I’ve eaten her a few times when she had a long day, and I loved it....it was perfect... I know that women can have multiple O’s. But I told her that in the past and she responded that she just want to make love to me...meaning that, the way we are doing it now is good. But somewhere inside, I know that she would like it differently. Why not have more than 1 O, I don’t understand. We are stuck in the routine, she’ll rub my **** on her clit a bit and then she’ll put it in.... I`d like to brake that routine, that is the stuff I wrote in my letter that I said I gave her. About being completely free, that she tells me how she wants it, if I’m eating her, that she communicates with me, put a finger in or two, move faster, suck on my clit...anything that she might want, basically, her controlling the situation about what’s going on down there. A women is more complex than a man when it comes to intercourse, and if the communication is not there, I think we are missing a lot. It is good now, 100%, but why not 400% right. So I need to get her to open up and communicate what she wants... ok that’s enough, thanks again all for the inputs, we will work together to make this works. And I’ll do more reading!!! 

I’ll get back to give you updates...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Timy,

One thing you could try is a finger vibrator. So you can be inside her, she (or you) could use the vibrator on her at the same time. You can go slow and control your own orgasm, just "go along for the ride"... Then as she reachs climax, you can pick up the pace. This can be used in almost any position. 

C


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Ya, we’ve done that. I like it, and she those to. It allows me to look at her which makes me flip... But, would a women just take one O in this scenario, cause I know that with a vib, women climax pretty quick, so I think that she could just enjoy 2 O before I pick up speed and force...it up to her naturally. But why not right??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why not, indeed... 

I have a limited number of partners to base my comments on, but my stbx wife was apparently happy with one orgasm. Occasionally, two. But my other partners since her have been more than happy with multiples. 

One of the key differences though, is how much time we're willing to set aside for our partners. With my stbx-wife, it was fit into whatever space we could find in life. Kids, supper, tv, sex, sleep, etc... Getting an hour for each other seemed to be a challenge.

With my partners since then, it's been multiple hours and multiple orgasms. In between bouts, watch some tv naked in bed, talk, cuddle, then go again. Repeat as desired or until you get kicked out of the hotel room. 

My first point is that we can take our spouses for granted, and sex isn't a priority anymore. It becomes a minor part of life. Is that a good thing? Depends on the people involved, I guess...

My other point is that for some women, orgasms just don't seem to be as high on their radar screens as other women (or men). Just because they CAN have multiples doesn't mean they want or need them.

Oh, and speed is not always a priority... Just because they can orgasm quickly, that doesn't mean that should be a goal all the time (in my experience). Sometimes drawing things out and making it last, building up slowly, etc can make it a much more powerful experience. Teasing is a wonderful foreplay tool... 

C


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

PBear makes great points! My husband and I have only ever been with eachother and had nothing to compare to. All experimentation pretty much stopped when kids arrived...along with a lot of the fun, teasing, flirting, time, effort, etc.

She is satisfied with one O and vanilla sex because you are not creating the passion she needs to want more. She is not sexually drawn to you. My husband thought our sex was great, too, just not as frequent as he wanted. I was frequently frustrated with sex, but never told him because 1) I didn't know the difference 2) didn't want to hurt him and 3) felt guilty and like something was wrong with me. If I didn't O I would just roll over and cry....now we are just more creative.
If your sex life was 100% you would not be in this forum.  Once a month is nearly a sexless marriage (6-8 times a year is considered sexless). You want her to get all fancy when she doesn't even want to have vanilla sex.
The sex you describe has her being almost completely passive and letting you have sex with her....it is a chore. She will continue to be MORE passive than you in the bedroom. YOU must change the dynamic.

I really was uncomfortable with oral until I changed how I thought about the human body and my sexuality. I also became a million times more comfortable with it once I started shaving that area. PLUS, as part of my bedtime routine I wash myself with a washcloth. 
Oral is very intimate and makes you very vulnerable. I don't think women want to have oral with someone they are not feeling passion or sexual chemistry with.

Timy, it sounds like you are still wanting her to dominate the bedroom activity and change *first*. I am telling you that she needs and craves for you to dominate the bedroom. You really need to actively work towards making sex more fun and playful and make yourself sexually irresistable. Once you start she should naturally follow. If after a couple months of you doing the things that have been suggested on this thread she has not become any more interested in sex it will be time to see a medical doctor or maybe a sex therapist.

When was the last time she laughed or giggled in bed with you?

Last thought, I mentioned that communication is important, but it sounds like you are talking/writing about it too much. You need less talk and *more action*. Your talking about it is just leading her to feel less attraction and more guilt and anxiety. You don't want to come across as sexually needy. She is feeling so much pressure it will not lead to more, better sex.


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## Jarvis (Mar 17, 2011)

Hi! I hear you loud and clear. My wife says she wants me, but doesn't show it in any way. Sex is dull and infrequent.
I have written her a letter and posted it: "Last chance letter to wife". Please take a look and let me know what you think. Any advice would be gratefully received.
I have no idea what you should do. I have no idea what I should do!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

PB,
This is great stuff. I almost never do quickies. Just don't like them. And frankly I expect to have a solid hour to play at minimum. Being "squeezed" into a short time period is not acceptable to me because it shows a lack of prioritization for a core activity. 




PBear said:


> Why not, indeed...
> 
> I have a limited number of partners to base my comments on, but my stbx wife was apparently happy with one orgasm. Occasionally, two. But my other partners since her have been more than happy with multiples.
> 
> ...


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

notaname said:


> Don't get too caught up in the language because the words are a little imperfect.
> When I say sexually aggressive I mean exactly what I outlined in my tips for you.
> 
> When you are soft and gentle you are providing comfort, safety and lulling her to sleep. This is great and wonderful, but *not if you want sex*. Do that stuff at other times.
> ...




Incredibly well written and insightful post, kudos.

I think we as men are sold on the sweet and gentle, which we should do plenty of, but that's not the end all be all. It's been my experience that your woman needs you to dominate her give her lusty, "naughty" feelings, just as much as she needs you to give her safe, loving feelings. No one is just one way, and if your woman is in the mood to be spanked or "put in her place", the last thing you want to do is be a sweet puddle of mush, it'll come off as sappy and is a sure way to turn her off and make her resentful if it happens long-term.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

I might indeed write and talk to much. As for the playfulness, in bed or around the house, close to nothing, and that is not her fault, it’s our fault. To busy with life, kids and chores. I guess will have to make some time as a `couple `, to play and plainly have fun together, everyday, here and there at any time. 

But I’m still confuse with the following, I did read the hole thread all over again and still not getting it...

-	When it comes to changing the dynamic, more dominant, or creating passion. I’m still clueless.
-	Playful and aggressive, for me those don’t mix together. 
-	Make myself, sexually irresistible, I see this as a huge task, I don’t think I’m bad looking and I’m not overweight. I could workout for sure 

You guys did suggest searching for books on those subjects, do you guys have any titles or again, suggestions?

So my tasks are: 
-	Manning-up
-	Talk less more action
-	The 5 love language, for both of us to read

We will get there with time, as you stated before, it is a mutual journey, and I’m sure she want in on that. 

Thanks again for the support...


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Timy said:


> I might indeed write and talk to much. As for the playfulness, in bed or around the house, close to nothing, and that is not her fault, it’s our fault. To busy with life, kids and chores. I guess will have to make some time as a `couple `, to play and plainly have fun together, everyday, here and there at any time.
> 
> But I’m still confuse with the following, I did read the hole thread all over again and still not getting it...
> 
> ...


Basically, you have to reinvent yourself, which is a painful and time-consuming process involving tremendous introspection, thought, consideration, and then decisive action. It you do the former but not the latter, you get frustrated. Decisive action is the key.

That means having an answer ready for every question you're asked, an answer you make confidently even if you think it may be wrong. If she asks if you like her hair up or down better, instead of "however you like it is fine", say "It's sexier down." ALWAYS have an opinion, even if you have to make it up. It's OK to be wrong . . . but not indecisive. You have to Know Your Poison and order it confidently, without hesitation. 

It can be hard. This is one prime example of how men have lost touch with their masculinity. You need to get back to your XY roots and wallow around in some testosterone, independent of your wife. Go camping. Go to an out-of-state sporting event. Go buy a gun and shoot something. Learn how to wrestle. Go get into a bar fight. Build something from scratch without a plan or instructions. Take a mystical journey. Brew your own beer. Pan for gold. Make 100 free throws in a row. Buy a cowboy hat. Paint something without consulting your wife. Borrow a muscle car for the weekend. Go sand something. Build a fallout shelter in the backyard. Do something _dangerous._ Find out where you hid your tiger blood and take a big ol' gulp.

And all of that comes down to: quit being afraid of the consequences. Think about the consequences of what you do, of course -- you're a man, not an idiot. But once you make a decision, stick with it without fearing what happens if you're wrong. Fear is the mind-killer, and it becomes the man-killer. 

Try this: next time you want to have sex, don't talk at all. Pretend you're a caveman without the power of speech, and must communicate all of your desires through action. Your wife might look at you funny, especially if you do it outside of the bedroom, but she might understand after a while. If she doesn't and freaks, walk away and explain what you were trying to do, later.

Good luck, man, but if you want passion, you're gonna have to cowboy up. Learn HOW to be a man, by doing some manly things.

And stop shaving entirely. A couple of weeks covered in hair, you'll feel more aggressive, guaranteed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Timy,
Playfully aggressive. Simplest version of this is a friendly wrestling match. Ideally on the bed. One way to provoke this is to tease her. Ask her what show she wants to watch while you are holding the remote. When she answers smile and say "if you can take the remote from me - we can watch anything you like".

Your vibe has to be playful - this isn't martial arts hurt your opponent stuff. This is a gray zone sexual dominance game. Our house rules:
- I am limited to wrestling
- She is not allowed to hit above the neck or below the belt. She is however allowed to kick, punch, elbow and scratch. 
- When I win she gets spanked (unless she says "uncle or some silly thing I make up on the fly like "I submit to your physical prowess". LOL. Remember this is a dominance GAME. She likely wants you to play like this. But she has been culturally programmed that ALL male physical aggression towards females is abusive/criminal. And I am here to tell you that if I limited myself to "gentle" sex, my W and I would be nearly celibate. 
- When she wins - my W gets whatever she asks for 

If you are WAY more physically skilled than she is you may have to handicap yourself - limit yourself to using one arm - whatever works. 

You will have to experiment. If you pin her - you could do the "hmmm - now that I have you pinned - can't decide whether to tickle or spank you". She may give you a cue at that point. If she doesn't - spanking tends to produce more sexual heat. Do NOT overdue it the first time. But light - bs smacks are actually worse than nothing. If you overdo it you can apologize - but don't apologize for doing it - just for "overdoing it" and say you are sorry with a wicked smile. If she really reacts badly to that approach - don't do it again. I think you are going to be quite surprised though if you do go that route. 





Timy said:


> I might indeed write and talk to much. As for the playfulness, in bed or around the house, close to nothing, and that is not her fault, it’s our fault. To busy with life, kids and chores. I guess will have to make some time as a `couple `, to play and plainly have fun together, everyday, here and there at any time.
> 
> But I’m still confuse with the following, I did read the hole thread all over again and still not getting it...
> 
> ...


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Timy,
> Playfully aggressive. Simplest version of this is a friendly wrestling match. Ideally on the bed. One way to provoke this is to tease her. Ask her what show she wants to watch while you are holding the remote. When she answers smile and say "if you can take the remote from me - we can watch anything you like".
> 
> Your vibe has to be playful - this isn't martial arts hurt your opponent stuff. This is a gray zone sexual dominance game. Our house rules:
> ...


Interesting approach, but not my style. Oh, I'm not above a bit of playful spanking, but such overly physical contests wouldn't work in my relationship. I instead use my physical presence to demonstrate a dominant posture with her, usually unexpectedly when she's off-guard. That could include suddenly pushing her against a wall and making out for five minutes, then turning on my heel, throwing her a smile, and going about my business. That could include physically coaxing her out of bed and into a more expressive position during sex. And it can include somewhat aggressive tickling, if she's into that. But you can use your physicality to send dominant messages without faux fighting.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ian,
Love the wall move. I will try that. 

My W HATES being tickled. That would just make her anxious and angry. Anti-aphrodisiac. 

In bed - on/off the mattress - there is no coaxing, just total dominance. I don't think that is my magic. Just her personality. 
If I had to quantify the dominance ratio:
In sexual situations: 95/5 
In normal day to day life: 30/70 - she is the 70. Maybe lately it is getting to 40/60. 





IanIronwood said:


> Interesting approach, but not my style. Oh, I'm not above a bit of playful spanking, but such overly physical contests wouldn't work in my relationship. I instead use my physical presence to demonstrate a dominant posture with her, usually unexpectedly when she's off-guard. That could include suddenly pushing her against a wall and making out for five minutes, then turning on my heel, throwing her a smile, and going about my business. That could include physically coaxing her out of bed and into a more expressive position during sex. And it can include somewhat aggressive tickling, if she's into that. But you can use your physicality to send dominant messages without faux fighting.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

I'm sure she wouldn’t like those things. She's a social worker, she works with man who has committed abuse to their wife’s, some really bad things. So, I can be more manly for sure, a bit more dominant on certain things. However, when it comes to wrestling, play fighting, she would not be up to par with that. 

Anyone; Can you share what H does that turns you on? Puts you in the mood? Or that it makes you want him?

Thanks!


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Thanks for the advise, I’ll try them slowly and see how she reacts and move gradually! The effort that she puts into...well it’s hard for me to say. As I said before, she thought everything was perfect the way it was. I started slowly telling her my need 3 months or so ago. I don’t think much effort is being done when we have sex as she find it not required I guess. It’s more of a routine, we need to break that and make it a fun time together I guess, being more playful then just going at it...we’re both at fault. Mind you that I will change and I’m pretty sure she’ll follow, if she lets go and change some thoughts she has on her cleanness down there...

Thanks for your input!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Interesting "she finds it not required". How about this - you decide that saying "ILY" is no longer required. Hey what is the big deal - you are nice to her right? It should be "obvious". So just stop saying it and see what happens. 

Timy,
You need to grasp something very core here. If something is "critical" to you - by DEFINITION it needs to become important to her. THAT is marriage. The further you deviate from that model the more you are permitting "parasitism". The closer you get to that ideal the closer you are to symbiosis. 




Timy said:


> Thanks for the advise, I’ll try them slowly and see how she reacts and move gradually! The effort that she puts into...well it’s hard for me to say. As I said before, she thought everything was perfect the way it was. I started slowly telling her my need 3 months or so ago. I don’t think much effort is being done when we have sex as she find it not required I guess. It’s more of a routine, we need to break that and make it a fun time together I guess, being more playful then just going at it...we’re both at fault. Mind you that I will change and I’m pretty sure she’ll follow, if she lets go and change some thoughts she has on her cleanness down there...
> 
> Thanks for your input!


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## Enamored (Dec 25, 2009)

Timy , 

A word of caution though.All the advice about being dominant is great for every one for whom it works. But you have to tread carefully.

I m also stuck in sex less marriage ( less then once a month) with all the trappings of nice guy. I decided to take things in my hand and go the playful aggresive way. But after a spat my wife said in particularly nasty way (loosely translated in English ), " I got sick inside when u scratch my body". In my native language that is close to accusing of marital rape . 
So this strategy backfired spectacularly and I actually ended worse off. Not to discourage u, but an advice to advance cautiously.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Timy said:


> I'm sure she wouldn’t like those things. She's a social worker, she works with man who has committed abuse to their wife’s, some really bad things. So, I can be more manly for sure, a bit more dominant on certain things. However, when it comes to wrestling, play fighting, she would not be up to par with that.
> 
> Anyone; Can you share what H does that turns you on? Puts you in the mood? Or that it makes you want him?
> 
> Thanks!


I study social work, and have been in a very abusive relationship.

However I would still be turned on by MEM's suggestions and am very turned on when my fiance is confident, and dominate. In fact I love it. It is not abuse and nothing close to it, in fact it makes me feel more relaxed and comfortable, because I know he would protect me. 

I think you have to step outside your comfort zone, and I know you may have been taught all your life to behave a certain way, but I think men are confused. There is a huge difference between an abusive ass and a dominate take charge man.


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## Timy (Mar 12, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I have read The 5 love language and I think it does make a lot of sense. So my wife is Quality time 8 and Words of Affirmation 8. So I'll be working on that. Mine is Physical at 11. So we've discussed this topic and are both working on it. 

I'll update this post in 2 to 3 months with an update to my story. Hopefully I be able to help someone...

Thanks for all the support, suggestions. I really appreciated the eye opening from hearing from everyone perspective.

Cheers for now.
Timy


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