# Tough Decisions



## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

Wow, I came back here for more advice and realized that I last posted in May! And, I am still having problems. I can't believe it has been five months...

A few weeks ago I asked my husband to move out. He is currently living at his mother's. We have been married 23 years. Things have never been great, but we have had some good times.

I have come to realize that my husband is very immature, selfish and not supportive - among other things. He also has problems with substance abuse - his current drug of choice being alcohol.

We have been seeing a counselor off and on, together and separately for maybe 8 months now. The last two or three months have been the hardest. When I tried to express my feelings to my husband, he refused to return to counseling with me. I went many times by myself. Hubby turned to a female coworker for support. This caused even more stress on our marriage. About two weeks ago I asked him to move out.

He insisted that he did not have a drinking problem, that his relationship with this other woman was not inappropriate and he said that I was bipolar.

This week he took off work to move his things out of the house. It finally hit him what he was losing. Now he has come around and wants to do everything he can to keep us together. He went to the counselor by himself on Friday. He was calling me almost every day this week and upsetting me. I have told him I need some time and space and that he was not giving that to me. Once again, it was about what he wanted and he didn't care/wouldn't hear what I wanted or needed. I finally convinced him to not call me anymore and he hasn't all weekend.

I feel like a switch flipped for him. A switch flipped for me too, months ago. But, my switch flipped in the other direction. I had had all I could take. He now sees things in a different light and wants to fix them. I am at a point where I am happy and not stressed because he is not here in the house with me any more. I do still love him and would love for us to grow old together, but I am not sure if I am willing to take the risk to find out if he can really change. There will be no switch for me this time. I won't wake up one day and say - Yay, he did it! He quit drinking and he stopped being a selfish, uncaring jerk! 

We have come this far - to the point that he is out of the house, I have consulted a lawyer and set up a new bank account. How do I decide if I am willing to give him another chance? How do I decide if it is worth the risk? If he moves back in here and things start to get like they used to be and we have to go through this all over again - I just may wind up in a mental institution.

How long should he be expected to wait for me to decide what to do? What is a reasonable amount of time for him to go to counseling for his addictions before I can safely assume that it may really be working? I am so scared to go back - to set myself up for all of this again. Should I just listen to my gut and go my own way? My gut tells me that he will never really be able to make the changes I need. I think it is just too much about who he is. With tons of counseling and soul searching - if he really wanted to be a better person, to get inside himself and make the changes he needs to make to love himself more - then I think it could happen. But, he is not the kind of guy to put that much effort into anything. I don't think he has the deep desire to change. I think he will only do what he thinks he has to to make me happy. I don't think he cares if he is truly happy. Or even if I am truly happy.

Argh! I just don't know anything except that I am scared. That I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. And, to try and work things out may be more than I have in me.

Does anyone have any suggestions of books I can read that will help me decide what to do?

Thanks for your help.

Sandy


----------



## fungusAmongus (Oct 5, 2009)

sandyf, its unreal i am the man in your story, although you have no idea who i am. my situation is almost identical to the scenario you laid out. 

i look forward to hearing what members have to say about this...thank you for your very timely post.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would, for at least now, remain separated while working on your marriage. Let him prove to you that he's changed. This will take time and patience on your part. 

Set your boundaries with him and let him know your expectations. 

Gary Chapmans' The Five Love Languages is good for couples to read. Get your H to read it as a condition. 

I know what you mean by the switch in different directions....by the time most of these guys get it the other spouse goes the other way. Whew. It's exhausting.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

theres a group called alanon that you could go to. its for family and friends of alcoholics. its a free group formed off the same twelve step principles used in AA. its mostly women that are struggling with the same questions in their marriages. 

and i think you should separate. if he really wants to change, then he'd do it for himself and not out of a fear of losing you. id give it a year of separation to see if he really wants to change. and that means you dont tell him what he should be doing- you just take care of yourself and your own emotional needs and let him do the same. if he really wants to change, he'll find help.


----------

