# Trying to move on..



## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

It has been about six months since my husband has moved out. The divorce started out rocky and we were not on friendly terms (obviously). We are nearing the end of the divorce and things are now better between us. When we see each other it goes pretty well to the point that we seem like a happy family. That should bring relief to me that we can get along for our kids, but it also makes it so much more difficult to let go of the relationship. I have been with him my whole adult life. I know people say it will take time, or to try to find someone else but that?s not something I am interested in or have the time for. I just don?t know what else I can do to help myself move on. I am so tired of feeling sad about the loss of the relationship. And I am tired of missing him. He has handled this better than me and seems fine with us no longer being together.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No background info. Why did you divorce?
Why did he move out? Why does he seem to handle it so well?
Why do you miss him?
Why doesn't he miss you?

Do you think in the future you could have a happy marriage? The best thing to do is this: logically, what the smart thing to do? Divorce or try to make the marriage like you want it?
If you can't see how things would work to mutual happiness, don't let emotion guide your decision.
Last if all, what you want is not important unless HE wants it, too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> No background info. Why did you divorce?
> Why did he move out? Why does he seem to handle it so well?
> Why do you miss him?
> Why doesn't he miss you?
> ...


E58
You keep this up, my fishing buddy...
You keep this up and I am going to hire you as my personal secretary.
.......................................................................................

Trying to move on, my Dear?

Moving requires a destination.
A destination requires a purpose for arriving.
Arriving is not a place.....it is a State of Mind.

A State of Mind is your destination, and once arrived you will find THIS............

Your THIS is not my THIS.
..............................................................................................

Oh, being an older man, a Man of all Seasons, I can guess.

Let's see:
Peace of mind.
Comfort in your new setting.
A new routine that suits you just fine.

Memories of your past become memories, not roadblocks to happiness.

And lastly, a new man, a new love, a new life.
A new life of dreams come true, of wonderment anew, of pleasurable days, sensuous nights.


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

I purposely did not include background info because in my mind the divorce is going to be finished soon. But basically he was not happy. Too many arguments. Not enough happy times. And once his mind was made up there was no changing his decision. The hard part for me is from my perspective the marriage was something that could have been saved if we BOTH put some major work in. It can?t work if someone has already decided it is not either fixable or worth it. 

And like you mentioned with the memories that is what makes things sad. You choose to remember and focus on those good times and you miss those times and all the future plans you had made together. It?s hard not to be down and think if I ever will find another person. And because of this failed relationship if this will just happen again. It?s so cliche but I never saw myself without him..even during the bad times.


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## ReachingMyPotential (Oct 12, 2017)

5terms said:


> I purposely did not include background info because in my mind the divorce is going to be finished soon. But basically he was not happy. Too many arguments. Not enough happy times. And once his mind was made up there was no changing his decision. The hard part for me is from my perspective the marriage was something that could have been saved if we BOTH put some major work in. It can?t work if someone has already decided it is not either fixable or worth it.
> 
> And like you mentioned with the memories that is what makes things sad. You choose to remember and focus on those good times and you miss those times and all the future plans you had made together. It?s hard not to be down and think if I ever will find another person. And because of this failed relationship if this will just happen again. It?s so cliche but I never saw myself without him..even during the bad times.


Hi there - I know how you feel. I started the "Trying to be the man she always wanted" post.....I'm basically in your shoes except from the male perspective. I obviously don't know all the ins and out of your marriage but your current feelings of loss, hopelessness, not believing or wanting a future replacement, pining for the good old times, etc. It's an awful, awful thing to feel and process all of this. I'm two months into my wife telling me she's unhappy and just three and a half weeks into her telling me she wants a divorce. We still live together on weekends (I'm momentarily out of state during the week for work) and we talk every morning and night via FaceTime for our toddler.....so I can empathize with that feeling of my spouse appearing fine but me not feeling fine (I do think she's going through a ton of turmoil as well though). I'm not sure what your husband is going through, but maybe he isn't as peaceful as you think he is? I have no idea. But if this really is done and dusted, then I'm not sure what to say to help you feel better. This process has been going on for six months? That seems so difficult to still feel the way you do six months into this ordeal. People keep trying to offer me words of advice, wisdom, etc.....but none of it matters. All I try to do is focus on being a good person each day and trying to be grateful for what i have versus what I've lost. Sometimes it helps me and sometimes it doesn't.....but I don't know what else to do. I'm not trying to be preachy....just sharing my coping mechanisms. I'd love to hear your thoughts about how you've been coping with all this. I gave up drinking and have been somewhat eating healthier. That has helped. I try to make conversation with strangers/Uber drivers each day. That's somewhat helped me.....to feel like I'm connected to humanity again and not completely lost in my own mind. 

But everyone is different, so I hope you're finding ways to help yourself heal.


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

During those six months we discussed a possible reconciliation and him having regrets on his decision. So I was given a small chance of hope and then he would change his mind and want to continue with the divorce. It?s been mentally and emotionally draining. Work is good for me. It keeps my mind busy. When I am not working is the problem. Too much free time to think... I have a good support system but you know they don?t fully understand or can relate to my situation which I do not hold against them. But as much as your support system tries to help you cope they have their own lives and relationships. So it does get lonely and you miss the companionship. I don?t think most people want to be alone. But thanks for sharing your perspective and reminding me what I need to focus on. I should focus more on the good going on because there is good for me.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

What honestly helped me was going back to school. There was hardly any time to let my mind wander where it shouldn't. Start with one online class or two. You need to keep your mind busy when you have too much time in your hands. I also joined a church singles group. That helped me to get out with people that were in my age group that were single as well. I was not looking for love or dating at that time. I was just looking for things to help me not be alone for very long with my wandering thoughts!

You may need medication if you haven't gotten help with that yet. Therapy with a good psychologist will also help guide you quicker in the path to moving on and healing. It will also help you become a better, healthier you for the next phase of your life and your future relationships. There is no fast or easy way through the grief process, but the wandering thoughts of what was should not be allowed or they will hinder your progress towards healing. The marriage is over. He doesn't want at it anymore. You must accept that a marriage takes two and you have lost this war when he gave up. Time to move on and not look back because it is not helpful. That chapter in your life has ended. Time to work on the new chapter in your journey of life!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

5terms said:


> It has been about six months since my husband has moved out. The divorce started out rocky and we were not on friendly terms (obviously). We are nearing the end of the divorce and things are now better between us. When we see each other it goes pretty well to the point that we seem like a happy family. That should bring relief to me that we can get along for our kids, but it also makes it so much more difficult to let go of the relationship. I have been with him my whole adult life. I know people say it will take time, or to try to find someone else but that?s not something I am interested in or have the time for. I just don?t know what else I can do to help myself move on. I am so tired of feeling sad about the loss of the relationship. And I am tired of missing him. He has handled this better than me and seems fine with us no longer being together.


A man called Jim Smoke who started the divorce recovery workshops and who has counselled countless divorcing and divorced people, says that the less you see each other the better. So for you, depending on the age of your children, you only need to see him briefly when you exchange the children. The more you see him and the more time you spend with him, the longer it will take. 
If they are older, say in their teens, there really is no need for you to have contact except for emergencies.


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

I have thought about talking to someone to at least just find acceptance with the divorce. To help just find a way where I can be at peace and not angry or sad for what happened. There are so many regrets I have. Unfortunately I catch myself making excuses that I don?t have time with work and the kids, which I know is just me not making it a priority. The only time we have spent together has been mostly for the kids. Realistically I know for myself I cannot do this in the future. When we go our separate ways at night it is difficult because all I want him to do is stay with us. And then I find myself getting frustrated and angry because why doesn?t he feel that loss? Why doesnt he want to stay because he misses that time together? Maybe he does feel it but I don?t see it. I just need to let go and I?m waiting for my feelings to catch up to the realistic side. I?m looking for short cuts and there doesn?t seem to be any


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

5terms-

Your husband just came to you on a Saturday and just said- I'm out?

No girlfriend/ boyfriend- just out of the blue dumped you and your kids?

Why are you not seething mad at this *******?

For any reason unless your were cheating on him.


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

We would have arguments and carelessly say we would leave the other or how we didn?t need the other one. One of the many mistakes we both did. One of my biggest regrets. I thought we both had said these type of things out of anger and pride. It didn?t make it right to say it but never did I realize how much he meant his words. Maybe that makes me naive? He said there was no one. And I absolutely did not cheat or consider it. If there is any positive thing about myself is that I was/am completely loyal to my marriage.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

How old are your babies?


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

1 toddler and 3 school age children. All under the age of 10.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

5terms said:


> 1 toddler and 3 school age children. All under the age of 10.


You have 4 babies under the age of 10 and their father just upped and left because you have normal arguments about being married?

Can you please give more info because the way I see it- you are devastated. And have every right to be .


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divorce sucks ass. There is no other way to describe it.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

No- fathers that abandon the mother of their children and their children SUCK ASS.

Let me guess- he got weird and distant at least on your 4th pregnancy.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Do you have a lawyer ?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

5terms said:


> I have thought about talking to someone to at least just find acceptance with the divorce. To help just find a way where I can be at peace and not angry or sad for what happened. There are so many regrets I have. Unfortunately I catch myself making excuses that I don?t have time with work and the kids, which I know is just me not making it a priority. The only time we have spent together has been mostly for the kids. Realistically I know for myself I cannot do this in the future. When we go our separate ways at night it is difficult because all I want him to do is stay with us. And then I find myself getting frustrated and angry because why doesn?t he feel that loss? Why doesnt he want to stay because he misses that time together? Maybe he does feel it but I don?t see it. I just need to let go and I?m waiting for my feelings to catch up to the realistic side. I?m looking for short cuts and there doesn?t seem to be any


Why doesn't he take the kids to where he is living?Its not helping if he is there all day and then goes home. You need to separate your lives and cut that contact.


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

Sorry let me explain a little better. He is still involved with the kids. It?s just me that he chose not to be with anymore. I don?t want to speak bad about him for the issues I had because I still would have stayed married. Meaning I could over look them or deal with those issues. We did argue quite a bit throughout our whole marriage. It was more of a tit for tat thing where we became almost competitive about it sadly. Mostly his complaint was it became all too much with that. Also, I am an introvert where he is an extrovert. It?s like the differences in our personalities caused too many tiny issues that added up over time. I am probably just a big ol troll, everyone 

And yes we both have lawyers.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Yeah- a ton of honest spouses stay married to serial cheaters.
No shame in that.

So- he is a super guy- just decided you sucked and yeah- get over it?


Your entire life had a scud missile shot through it. Give yourself a break.
No such thing as Happy, Joy Joy on this small blip in your life. I'm sure Mr. Charming can't really understand why you don't just move on.

BTW- you better make damn sure those 4 kids and you have the lion share of income for the next 20 years before some babe drops in were you got kicked off.


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

He was far from being considered perfect but he left me. *shrugs* I am having a hard time letting go...I can?t imagine when the day comes someone will take my place..sigh...just not there yet.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Have to throw this out -

Men don't leave unless they have a soft landing.

Maybe you have a special snowflake . Doubtful- 

Move on means what to you?
You can sleep through the night?
Your heart stops racing, your hair stops falling out and you don't dry- heave every morning?

You don't wake up from nightmares in a full body sweat?

You actually can look at food and pretend you want to eat it?

You actually feel like getting out of bed?

You want to plan your STBXH rehearsal dinner?

What does moving on mean to you?


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

I would like to move on and not have the feelings I have for him. I don?t wish him any ill will but I also don?t want to know what?s going on with him. Because it?s hard. It?s hard to see him move on with his life and me not be apart of it. Sometimes I still feel like I?m stuck in the disbelief stage..it?s pretty damn annoying.


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## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

5terms,

I feel your pain. My husband left 3 months ago and I feel a lot of the same regret and questioning you do. It's also so hard to see them being happy without us....at least for me it only increases my regret and self-blame.

if you haven't already, sign up to see a therapist. I go weekly and it helps immensely. Allow yourself to feel. I spent way too long in denial.


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

Hopeful,

That?s pretty much all I do. If I had done this differently..if I was not like this and more like that... I?m sorry to hear you?re going through a similar situation. I hope you are able to find some peace.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I will never understand why some people just decide that they are done with a marriage without really trying. I’m sorry your going through this. I too am going through something similar. It feels awful. But the reality is he is done. And it’s not your fault, your human and people shouldn’t have to be perfect for someone to stay married to them. 
Try to focus on you. Practice self love. Try to stay busy and stop yourself from thinking about him. It’s your time to create a new and happy life. I wish you the best!


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## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

5terms, how are you doing? I know weekends can be hard. Stay strong.


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## Osito79 (Oct 22, 2017)

I Feel The Same Way, My Wife Is Divorcing Me After 5 Years Of Marriage And I Can't Stop Thinking About Her Or Stop Loving Her. I Miss Her So Much, But She Seems At Times To Be Dealing With This Well But At Times Calling Or Texting Missing Me And Wanting Sex. I Hate This.


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

Hello all, thanks for checking on me. I don?t have a traditional schedule so my days are random. I was keeping busy which is good. Him and I were getting to a place where we spent more time together. It was comfortable and nice. I missed it. I missed him. Unfortunately the feelings arent mutual. I?m taking it in a different context. Today was a not so good day and I?m back to feeling sad. Hope you all are doing better. This roller coaster ride is old and exhausting.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

6 months in and I too am not over my ex. However, I do think that for starters, you need to spend less time with him and only talk with regards to the kids!

Your feelings will fluctuate & sometimes you may feel like you're back at square one but such is a normal part of the grieving process. From the sounds of it, you seem to be doing an amazing job, especially with 4 young children to look after. 

My husband too, simply gave up after an argument & walked out the door. I was in complete shock as I thought we were happy & things were looking up. Granted I didn't treat him well in the beginning, but we hadn't argued in a long time & we were always affectionate with each other. I had also just given birth so I felt like my entire future had crashed right before my eyes.

I feel your pain and sympathise with you. I understand how hard it must be. To miss somebody who won't be there. To be in love with somebody who could never love you. You need to try to understand your own feelings by acknowledging and then accepting them. Tell yourself that he is simply not the man for you & that everything happens for a reason, no matter how sh*tty the circumstances may be.

It helps me when I read accounts of way more heartbreaking stories than my own, which gives me solace knowing that I am not alone in my pain. You are not alone. We are all here. Your family are with you in this and so are your children. I also look to people who have great success in their second or third marriages to motivate me. When I find myself pining for him again, I distract myself by looking at gorgeous male models & pretending that I'm dating one and that my ex gets jealous... LOL. It sounds silly, but it's always nice to have dreams. 

They say when you have dreams, you have hope, and when you have hope, then it makes life worth living. You could try writing down your plans and aspirations for your future & work towards your goals


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

5terms said:


> 1 toddler and 3 school age children. All under the age of 10.


I can spin a good yarn, but not a miracle.
This is so sad..

Sorry, for your woes.:frown2:


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

Louise,

I love your way of moving on haha. It might be something I should try. I am now on the phase where I don?t need him. This part never usually lasts long for me, but it does help me cope. It might not be the most healthy but I was looking at past conversations we have had since the divorce began. I ask myself over and over why would I still want someone who would say and do the things that have been done. Shouldn?t everyone have someone that loves them and will accept them for them? My anger and frustration has helped to fuel this phase. It is still sad this way but it helps my resolve. I hope this stage lasts because it is so much better than being so sad and missing someone who is completely fine without you. Let?s hope to all of us for better days!


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## 5terms (Apr 17, 2017)

Appreciate the support SunCMars


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

Does your work have an EAP program? At this point it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling.


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