# Exclusivity in dating, trying to figure this out...



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I posted in the Men's Clubhouse the other day looking for advice on how to tactfully let dating partners (not intimate partners but dating partners) know that I wasn't dating them exclusively. So, I think I probably lost at least one dating partner if not two because of this. 

I can see how if you already know someone, say from work or around town or volunteer activities or recreational activities or school, etc. that it would make sense if you were to date exclusively, because you probably already know each other really well and would have communicated in advance whether you were 'dating' or going along for company kind of date (what I call social dating.) 

But when you meet someone on an on-line service and chat for a bit (not too much) and go out on a date, I just don't see why anyone would want to be exclusive after the first date. It just seems so, well, shortsighted. 

There is a guy I would be tempted to date exclusively but I know for my own good it's not a good idea, because it would lead to prematurely being intimate, also not a good idea, issues with being insecure (which would be well-deserved under that kind of scenario!)

I would think that it was woman who would have issues with guys dating around and not wanting to be exclusive. But really, it seems like guys have a big issue with it. They want some kind of security and relationship with benefits right off the bat. 

I'm not the kind of person to date around to be taken out to dinner on someone else's tab. I have no problem reciprocating in kind. I also suggest and accept dates that are zero cost, but if the venue is appealing to me I will either accept a date and be prepared to pay half (and sometimes insist upon it, given the situation, like if I am not going to have the opportunity to reciprocate) or to reciprocate. 

When I was dating when I was much younger, I was a Lt on a military base, of course the ratio was stacked in my favor. I was always polite and up front and sometimes I would suggest that we all go out together in a group in order to just have fun, no dating that night, just everyone go to the movies together and then to the Officer's Club. I had no intention of getting married at that time. I had other plans for myself. 

Right now I'm in college and working and have two kids at home, I can see finding someone to have a relationship with that would build over time, and if I did find a person like that (and I hope that I have, but time will tell) I wouldn't have a problem with exclusivity but also wouldn't want to do something like move in together or have to put on the emotional equivalent of a GPS tracking device. That is, I don't want a guy who is going to get his panties all twisted because I decided to go to the gym instead of taking a walk. I came from an abusive relationship so I need to make sure I don't end up with someone who is going to be like that. I take my promises seriously so would hesitate to make a promise of exclusivity up front with someone I don't know very well, and quick to break that promise (even though it would take effort on my part) if the relationship became suffocating and controlling (in reality, not just a feeling on my part.) 

I understand a person's need for security, we all want to feel loved and special and needed and cared for and thought of and so forth but I really think that someone who expects exclusivity even before the first date is nuts. Especially because I'm 48 and dating people around my age. You would think people would be more mature about dating, and not expect a full grown human being to drop everything and change course on a whim because someone gave them the time of day and wanted to go out on a three or four hour date. What the h*ll is wrong with our society? It's like people who put themselves on dating sites are treated like some kind of foregone conclusion or a commodity. It's not a shopping site, it's an *introduction* site.

So can someone please tell me why pleasant conversation and a show of interest somehow communicates to a man (or woman) an implied contract of exclusivity? It just does not add up to me at all, unless the sites are full of women who just want to be taken out for a free meal. That's not for me, I know how to cook, just fine, and don't have any problem providing for myself. If I want to go out to eat, I have options, including a guy friend who doesn't date me, who always pays even though I would rather he doesn't, it makes him feel good as he feels he is standing in for my guy friend/lover who had the brain hemorrhage and got carted out of my life by his sister/guardian. 

I had really thought that guys would have more of a stiff upper lip regarding not dating exclusively until there was some kind of established relationship that warranted it. I'm not on lease with option to buy. You can drive alongside me for a while around the track with the rest of the cars and we'll see. 

I don't have any problem with relationships with guys. I get along with them just fine. But it seems that guys generally think if you don't get all hot and heavy and want to jump them or be jumped by them, right away, that you're not into them. Couldn't be further from the truth. If I like a guy or am attracted to him I don't have a problem communicating that, but somehow they seem to think it's not enough, or maybe they think it's a lie. Not real sure what to think, myself, or I woudldn't be putting it out here.

Do guys really base their relationships on sex right off the bat? I know they tend to see it as bonding, but surely they consider other factors and don't expect a woman to climb into the sack right away? It just seems so stupid. How can you build trust or understanding or even good judgement or consideration by doing that?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

i answered your other thread.
i only date one person at a time.
i expect the same from her and establish that in the beginning.
sex is not my main concern. finding a partner is.
if either of us feels its going nowhere then we can move on.

i have been on 6 dates with the woman i am seeing now and only kissed her the first time after the last date. so of course there has been no sex yet, if there even will be. so no, my relationship with her is not based on sex. i am in no hurry for that, if the time cums, then great. but i am looking for much more than that first.
dont think i would want to be with a woman who is willing to start having sex right away, i think it blinds you to what i am looking for in a real partner.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i answered your other thread.
> i only date one person at a time.
> i expect the same from her and establish that in the beginning.
> sex is not my main concern. finding a partner is.
> if either of us feels its going nowhere then we can move on.
> 
> i have been on 6 dates with the woman i am seeing now and only kissed her the first time after the last date. so of course there has been no sex yet, if there even will be. so no, my relationship with her is not based on sex. i am in no hurry for that, if the time cums, then great. but i am looking for much more than that first.
> dont think i would want to be with a woman who is willing to start having sex right away, i think it blinds you to what i am looking for in a real partner.


I agree with the blinding effect of premature sex, among other issues it presents. But I would like to know more about what you get from committing to exclusivity early on when you don't know her and have only just met on a dating site. The thinking behind that, or the logic or the feeling or how this might trump other methods of say dating a number of people until you really felt like you wanted to spend most of your time with one, and being able to communicate that to others with no hard feelings. Is it just that it's easier to keep track of logistically, or what?

I am crazy about this one guy but I just think it would be short-sighted to date him exclusively though I can't say why for sure, because I sure as heck want to. But for some reason I think that dating exclusively is not a good idea right off the bat. I want to know why it is, what are some of the benefits of it, on both ends and for the relationship in general.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I agree with the blinding effect of premature sex, among other issues it presents. But I would like to know more about what you get from committing to exclusivity early on when you don't know her and have only just met on a dating site. The thinking behind that, or the logic or the feeling or how this might trump other methods of say dating a number of people until you really felt like you wanted to spend most of your time with one, and being able to communicate that to others with no hard feelings. Is it just that it's easier to keep track of logistically, or what?
> 
> I am crazy about this one guy but I just think it would be short-sighted to date him exclusively though I can't say why for sure, because I sure as heck want to. But for some reason I think that dating exclusively is not a good idea right off the bat. I want to know why it is, what are some of the benefits of it, on both ends and for the relationship in general.


well, for me, i do want to get to know the person im dating to see if there is a connection and i think having several different people would detract from that.
you couldnt give it your full attention.

i am one for complete monogamy, and that includes dating too.
its just a preference for me and i dont feel anything worse for someone who dates several people, i just think the intentions should be brought out in the beginning. that way both of you know whats going on from the get go.

you have now found out what can happen from not being open from the beginning.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> well, for me, i do want to get to know the person im dating to see if there is a connection and i think having several different people would detract from that.
> you couldnt give it your full attention.
> 
> i am one for complete monogamy, and that includes dating too.
> its just a preference for me and i dont feel anything worse for someone who dates several people, i just think the intentions should be brought out in the beginning. that way both of you know whats going on from the get go.
> 
> you have now found out what can happen from not being open from the beginning.


Nope, I disclosed before the first date. lol. But as it turns out he was just away and not using email for a bit and is okay with it. I think actually all the guys I'm dating are comfortable with dating around socially right now. Pretty much we live in a small area where people know each other, it's more like 2 degrees of separation around here than 6...and support each other. I think we all just want to be able to get out and have a social life in which we can function, and then once functioning in social space, be able to discern better who if anyone we should be spending more time with. Around here, due to the demographics, if you're middle-aged, if you lose a partner, life can be fairly harsh in terms of social life. It's nice to have opposite-sex friends to spend time with and to invite to different events you'd like to go to. Personally I go to these things alone, but now having options to invite a date is nicer, with the benefit of adding more face-time to the relationship. Mostly we are all supportive of each other, it's not a weeding out kind of thing. My friends and I of both sexes were like that as kids and teens. It's nice to see that the social rules around here haven't changed that much. 

BUT, there is one guy who is not from around here. For me, with this one guy I would love complete monogamy but I think it would be overwhelming for him even though I'd be okay for it. If it weren't for him I wouldn't give the concept of monogamy in dating any thought at all right now. I had a plan and he has derailed it, at least in theory, by affecting me differently. Which makes me think maybe it wasn't such a good plan after all - dating around. However, he seems to have been traumatized in some way by life in general and the responsibility of a relationship weighs too heavy on him, he is moving, thinking about switching jobs, etc. and even though he's the one who pressured me to go out with him and I went in the spirit of being open-minded and he was on board with continuing (really on board) he then changed his mind about dating at all, not just me. 

In this case, dating others relieves the pressure on the relationship and keeps it in the fun zone which is where it should be. His kid told him to quit whining and waffling and just go out for the evening, lol. I told him he was being a pain in the a** and was overthinking stuff and becoming unnecessarily overwhelmed. lol. He is outnumbered and agreed to go. But yah, while I can certainly see where monogamous dating would be wonderful, now the other party has cold feet. I think probably right now just dating around makes sense. The next couple weeks I'm not going out at all anyway, since I have my kids most of the time. So it's a bit of a moot point, fortunately. I have some time to think about it. 

I guess one way to find out is to try it, and if it doesn't work out I can just go to serial dating monogamy. But then how many dates should you go on before you make a decision? Is there some rule of thumb that you've come by, by personal experience? For me, I think, monogamy in dating implies some level of seriousness, that might be premature. 6 weeks? 3 months? 2 weeks? as long as it takes and if nothing grabs your attention that says red flag, stop and everything is still go, just continue on and see what develops?


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## toolforgrowth

I personally see nothing wrong with being up front about it. After I knew I was ready to divorce (about 3 moths after we separated) I started going out on dates. Not looking for sex, just getting to know ladies. I told them all that I wasn't ready to settle down into a relationship and that this would just purely be for fun. All of them said that's not what they were interested in and that they wouldn't date. E unless it was exclusively. Funny thing is, I'm still friends with all of them. 

Fast forward about 3 more months, and I have a girlfriend. We are exclusive and mutually agreed to it. But only after a period where we were both okay with us dating other people, even though neither of us did.  We liked each other too much. Go fig!

All the women respected me for being up front about it. I wasn't mean or a male pig about it, just honest. I've found that people appreciate honesty so they can make informed decisions. That shows you have integrity, even if there is no more chance of any kind of romantic encounter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga

Honey, I'm making dinner for the whole crew tonight, so I don't have much time, but can I just say, as politely as possible, that you should just eff all these people criticizing you?

You are dating. That's what that means. DATING. It doesn't imply any kind of exclusivity at all. None.

GO out, meet people, have fun. And to hell with anyone who tells you that that's wrong.

Now I must go make foods. xox


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

lamaga said:


> Honey, I'm making dinner for the whole crew tonight, so I don't have much time, but can I just say, as politely as possible, that you should just eff all these people criticizing you?
> 
> You are dating. That's what that means. DATING. It doesn't imply any kind of exclusivity at all. None.
> 
> GO out, meet people, have fun. And to hell with anyone who tells you that that's wrong.
> 
> Now I must go make foods. xox


lol. That's what I'm doing because it's working. If it stops working I'll stop doing it! If a guy gives me issues I don't have to stay home and mope while he figures it out. I have some space and because I've decided to date others, I don't have to get upset at him if he waffles about having time for a relationship, etc. I also have my awesome volunteer job(s) that are fun (and also a good escape when I want them to be), outings with an outdoor activity group (i.e. rail trail biking planned), dinner, kayaking, movies etc. with the guy friend I inherited from my guy who had the brain hemorrhage, and stuff like being asked to show at Argentine Tango because they need more followers for a beginner class (bonus, can wear a hot dance dress and bring my kids and the instructor can give me a couple swing dances, lol.) I kind of see dating as fitting in with all of my other activities, not something I do exclusively for a social life. I have to keep an open mind about dating, mostly because I promised my kids we would stay in our current town until they graduate high school, and my youngest is entering 3rd grade. So if I do have a relationship, it's likely it won't be one that culminates in moving in together, it will be one of those separate household relationships not sure if kids will be involved much or not. Have to say it really all depends. They got kind of burned by their stepfather experience, and our home life is now sooooo comfortable that the membership requirements would be somewhat rigorous. It would take someone really special to gain entrance. And it would take a lot of time. My kids are good kids but I don't want their interests and fun time to be playing second fiddle to someone who isn't interested in nurturing them. We have an active life, dance lessons, art lessons, horseback riding, skiing, camping... I'm open minded, but... also very loyal and protective of my family. I'm not really looking for anyone to improve my home life. I'm looking for someone for me  But also someone who will 'get' my kids as individuals, not just treat them as generic kids. We need a 3-for-3 kind of person. Love me, love my kids. Love my kids, love me.


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## Cosmos

> So can someone please tell me why pleasant conversation and a show of interest somehow communicates to a man (or woman) an implied contract of exclusivity?


It doesn't. Dating is a period in which two people are getting to know one another. IME, exclusivity only comes when two people have got to know one another, developed feelings for one another and want to date exclusively. For me, this would be around the time when I would be contemplating physical intimacy - not after.

I can't imagine why it would be required to tell someone in the early dating stages that you're dating other people, because I would expect them to be doing the same.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Cosmos said:


> It doesn't. Dating is a period in which two people are getting to know one another. IME, exclusivity only comes when two people have got to know one another, developed feelings for one another and want to date exclusively. For me, this would be around the time when I would be contemplating physical intimacy - not after.
> 
> I can't imagine why it would be required to tell someone in the early dating stages that you're dating other people, because I would expect them to be doing the same.


I agree that it shouldn't be required because it could be assumed. But it also seems that it's not 100% the mode/habit of everyone. So it's probably a good idea to at least mention it, to avoid any kind of misunderstanding.


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## CandieGirl

My experience has been kind of the other way around; I'll date, like, and then have the exclusivity talk if and when I want to become exclusive. Know what I mean? I guess that's kind of working on assumptions, eh?

But either way works! As long as the other party knows!


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## Cosmos

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I agree that it shouldn't be required because it could be assumed. But it also seems that it's not 100% the mode/habit of everyone. So it's probably a good idea to at least mention it, to avoid any kind of misunderstanding.


This is where I might have a problem, Homemaker. It would feel like I would assuming that the guy is more interested in me than he possibly is... But then I tend to be a little outdated when it comes to this sort of thing


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## sisters359

In the online dating world, the assumption is that you are NOT exclusive unless you have talked about it and agreed to it. Dating is just that--seeing people to figure out if there is something more worth pursuing. 

I personally do not feel the least need to bring it up--it just wouldn't enter my head, honestly. Unless I'm considering a sexual relationship with someone, exclusivity is neither necessary nor desirable for me.

Do not feel obligated to bring up the fact that you are dating others. The mere business of your life is a clue that you have a lot going on, and that's attractive in and of itself. If it bugs someone, that is their issue--and they can and should bring it up, b/c it is important to them. I don't mean that in a judgmental way; it's just the reality of it. The person who has the boundary ("I don't date people who are dating others") needs to enforce it. Those of us who don't have that boundary are not obligated to announce it (Can you announce something that doesn't exist?).

Good luck, and have fun.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> But then how many dates should you go on before you make a decision? Is there some rule of thumb that you've come by, by personal experience? For me, I think, monogamy in dating implies some level of seriousness, that might be premature. 6 weeks? 3 months? 2 weeks? as long as it takes and if nothing grabs your attention that says red flag, stop and everything is still go, just continue on and see what develops?


i would say there is no number of times in stone.
you may go on 1 date and know hes not for you.
just kind of go with it.
i just keep going on dates with the woman if i dont get the sense things are not good.
like i said though, there has to be the understanding there is no dating others as long as we are dating.
if she wants to date someone else, that is fine, just let me know ahead of time and we will part ways.

right now i am still dating the same person. things are going well so far so were just seeing where it goes.

ive got to have a good connection with her before sex comes into play. dont want that cloudiness afterwards to blind me to things i still need to know about her.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I like the statement about not being responsible for other people's boundaries. But I'm a conscientious person. I tend to be a little bit codependent and considerate of others, and also pride myself on my honesty...maybe a bit too much...and also tend to avoid conflict. Maybe I should just leave it at, if something jumps out at me like the guy is pushing for exclusivity or says something that makes it seem as though he's assuming exclusivity then I will clarify, otherwise will assume people can look out for themselves/their own needs. My need is not to be pinned down by someone and then honor bound to pass up opportunities that might serve me better in the long run. i.e. be more proactive about my own needs, than worried about messing with someone else's. I should assume that if someone has a big need about exclusivity, they will enforce it. And if I find myself wanting to spend all my dating time with one person, I'll consider it seriously and ask about the possibility of that. I can't really see it happening right now. Except with a guy that I non-date. lol. The whole dating thing came up because I didn't want to impose on him for my social life as I think it was making him uncomfortable. (Friend of my guy friend who had the brain hemorrhage.) But we still communicate and I see that he is thinking about making some changes in his life to look after himself better, which is really nice.


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## Lon

So at what level of intimacy is there implied exclusivity? What about hand-holding? massages? cuddles? I think this will vary from person to person, and in some cases some may have extreme feelings about it. For me, if you kiss (ie more than a peck) at the end of the date there is implied exclusivity, in other words you wish to explore that physical intimacy before meeting someone else to explore this with. Of course if there is clear discussion that it is just for physical pleasure, like friends with benefits, then it wouldn't imply exlusivity. One lady I met for a non-exclusive date said she went on a speed-dating service where they had to kiss the other at the end of the segment (sounds like a cesspool of bacterial contamination to me).

And of course, the definition of exclusivity will vary too, maybe kissing one date and setting up the exclusivity means you can still casually meet other dates just not kiss them... or else you can kiss the new date but then it means you are done with the old date so the exclusivity ends along with the entire relationship?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Good question Lon. That's where it gets confusing. I don't think it depends on whether or not you kiss. I think it depends what the kiss feels like :-o I mean, there could be a kiss or a whole bunch of kissing and it might leave you with a feeling of not wanting to continue with the relationship. Either because your intent is to casually date, and the kissing ends up violating that intent, lol, it's way too much too soon, and you want to back off a bit, now that you know what's what...or it just seems like a mistake in hindsight for whatever reason you just don't get a good feeling about it, or you kissed and it left you with some kind of bland feeling. Of course, you could share a kiss and then it could leave you thinking, okay, I'm really interested, maybe I'll put everything else on hold and check this out for a bit.

I agree about the cesspool of bacteria, even though I'm into French style greeting and parting kissing among friends and even acquaintances.


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## Lon

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I agree about the cesspool of bacteria, even though I'm into French style greeting and parting kissing among friends and even acquaintances.


no I meant the passionate on the lips for more than several seconds kind of kiss, where there could potentially be slobber and tongue contact. And if a woman gets this from me, and smiles, I would be hurt if she was out the next night with some other dude. Atleast that is what my expectation would be - unless we explicity discussed expectations about this beforehand.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, Lon, I can tell you that some guys want that and they get it and then they get all worked up and cold feet about not having time for a relationship. lol. Not that it wasn't fun, but honestly, who does that? You'd think that by the time someone is 44 or whatever, they would know their own mind. lol. That's where it's actually a good thing to have been dating other guys (or women.) You can step away from the mess and say, well, that was great, but it comes with a huge price of dealing with someone who has a mind to waffle. If it's a relatively new relationship, stepping away and moving on quickly is a good option. Sometimes there is just no figuring people out. One thing I've learned is that it's not always the woman who has relationship issues. Guys can be just as confused as women, lol. On the other hand, I've also found the opposite to be true, and that's when I personally need to not do what this one guy did, what with the mixed signals and waffling, lol. No smooching until I'm sure about how I feel, and that smooching is how I feel. Otherwise, sorry, we are just going kayaking or to a movie or whatever and hugs are dispensed.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

So much for theory.
I dated around according to plan and got snagged when I wasn't paying attention and my guard was down. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to work.


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## working_together

I totally agree with what you are saying...I recently put up a dating profile after my last diasaster, and I told myself I will just date a few people, and no sex. But, whoa, they seem to just talk about it really fast, bring it up in subtle ways, make comments about my looks etc. I told both people that I just go out with for drinks or dinner that I date other people. I think once you sleep with one, you drop the others....

It's freaking complicated....and one of the guys is not really happy with me dating other people, and now he's a bit over the top with messages etc.

Having been in an abusive relationship makes it even harder I think, you keep looking for signs of control etc.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Homemaker,
I don't want to hijack your thread, but my situation is kind of similar, so I'm going to start a new one. Anyone care to jump over and give me some advice, I'm all ears. Thx.


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## one_strange_otter

I think online datings greatest strength can also be it's greatest weakness. Being that you can just keep throwing lines out there and finding new dates you don't feel like you have to settle. Even if you have chemistry with someone who's to say that someone even better isn't signing up the next day? It's like a perpetual grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side situation. 

I think you shouldn't rely on just physical cues to tell you if your dating exclusively. What if your completely wrong about all the cues? Why not just be as up front as possible? Keep the communication open. I know that men and women both can see it as a one-and-done situation where they search, find one person they want to meet, then pour all their energy into that one person trying to make something work. There should be dating education classes offered by these sites to tell people how to keep things friendly, not get too deep too fast, and always keep a few hooks out there just in case. 

I was speaking with someone who dates a lot the other day about this subject in particular. She said she gets a lot of offers on the sites she's on but because of her limited free time due to kids, work, etc. she only sets up dates that are potential relationships. She mentioned she found someone who is maybe the one and they've dated about six times now but according to her it's going to have to be him that says they are exclusive. 

Hopefully the people you meet online will have a mature attitude about it and not be putting all their eggs in one basket so to speak when they meet you. Deejo had tons of great advice about meeting up quickly for something short and not letting the chat sessions drag on for days while your mind fills in the blanks and creates this perfect fantasy of a person who you later meet and realize they aren't so perfect after all.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

one_strange_otter said:


> I think online datings greatest strength can also be it's greatest weakness. Being that you can just keep throwing lines out there and finding new dates you don't feel like you have to settle. Even if you have chemistry with someone who's to say that someone even better isn't signing up the next day? It's like a perpetual grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side situation.
> 
> I think you shouldn't rely on just physical cues to tell you if your dating exclusively. What if your completely wrong about all the cues? Why not just be as up front as possible? Keep the communication open. I know that men and women both can see it as a one-and-done situation where they search, find one person they want to meet, then pour all their energy into that one person trying to make something work. There should be dating education classes offered by these sites to tell people how to keep things friendly, not get too deep too fast, and always keep a few hooks out there just in case.
> 
> I was speaking with someone who dates a lot the other day about this subject in particular. She said she gets a lot of offers on the sites she's on but because of her limited free time due to kids, work, etc. she only sets up dates that are potential relationships. She mentioned she found someone who is maybe the one and they've dated about six times now but according to her it's going to have to be him that says they are exclusive.
> 
> Hopefully the people you meet online will have a mature attitude about it and not be putting all their eggs in one basket so to speak when they meet you. Deejo had tons of great advice about meeting up quickly for something short and not letting the chat sessions drag on for days while your mind fills in the blanks and creates this perfect fantasy of a person who you later meet and realize they aren't so perfect after all.


So where is the post by Deejo? I would like to read it. Thanks!


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## DrunkenH

I learned that I was a reasonably degenorate hedonist who had no future in their kids games,


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