# Marriage not for me?



## philosophical (Nov 26, 2013)

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to make a post, to see if maybe I am crazy here. I don't think many people will see my feelings as valid, but I think I might be different.

I rushed in to marriage. I met my wife when I was 20 and she was 16. After knowing each other for some time we decided to start dating. I don't know why, but for the longest time in my mind I thought, I wanted to be married, I wanted to wear the ring, be a family man, do all of these things I thought all normal people do, so after only a week of dating, I asked her if she would marry me, she said yes.

Luckily, we had a long engagement, about two years before we tied the knot in October, 2010. Since that point, I have changed as a person, begun to have a new outlook on life. 

I will readily admit I am selfish, and probably a sex addict. None of these things are my wifes fault. I have cheated on her several times, usually with no remorse what-so-ever. I honestly don't know why. When I meet a girl I find attractive, whether it be at work or elsewhere I still flirt as if I am a single man on the prowl. I think, possibly marriage isn't really my cup of tea, and its a shame it took years of getting older to realize this in my own personality. I am so independent, love the freedom to do as I please when I please and don't really care to compromise on any of it. I love women, I love the chase more than the long term results of it. I don't like feeling depended on so much by someone else, feeling needed for someones happiness. 

My wife and I are incompatible in a lot of ways too. I am more liberal and adventurous while she is more conservative and plays it safe. I don't really feel like living the conventional 9-5 lifestyle with the great job, nice car, white picket fence and that's all she wants. When I entered the relationship, I honestly went in to it thinking I wanted to have children someday, but now I am almost positive I don't, there is no way she would be willing to miss out on being a mother. 

I feel bad in a lot of ways. I like my wife. She is very kind, nice person, and I don't mean to hurt her, but I know deep down I am a terrible husband and don't know if I have the ability or even want to have the ability to change. I think she deserves better than me, and maybe I just need to live like dust in the wind, not tied down by the typical conventional lifestyle I was programmed to believe I wanted.

Am I crazy?


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

I think maybe you are immature. 
I wonder why you have no remorse, is it because you have never been caught? 
You say you don't mean to hurt her, yet you allow yourself to be in that position. It sounds like you aren't even trying.

Is there something that has suddenly caused you to change your mind in what you once thought your wanted? Are you questioning the reasons you once wanted those things?


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## philosophical (Nov 26, 2013)

I got busted once. She forgave me. We spend a lot of time apart. We are from different countries so at times it has caused logistical problems with paperwork and all of that. Not to much a problem anymore, we have all of that sorted out. I think she mostly forgave me because of all the time spent apart. Trying to fulfill my needs elsewhere even though in a relationship that's not what you do.

I honestly don't think the problem is me being immature. It might sound bizarre, but I think the problem is I am more mature now than I was when I got into this. When I was younger, I acted in every way what I thought was expected of me by society. Get the right job, the right benefits, get the wife, have the kids, buy the house. I just did all of this without a though really, just jumped right in even though I was still young and immature.

As time has gone on I have discovered more about myself and my personality. How I value freedom to move from place to place, to meet to people, to live an unconventional lifestyle. I don't think that is immature, its just not what the average person does in their life. She dreams of a settled down life, the "American Dream" if you will. I want to spend a year in Thailand writing and then volunteer in Africa before seeing more of Europe. She wants 2.5 kids and I don't want the expense and restraint raising kids will put on my ability to explore the world.

The lack of remorse is probably the wrong way to put it. I don't feel remorse in the way that, "oh god, I have to stop doing this or I will screw up my relationship, ruin everything I have". I do feel remorse in the way that I feel like I am not the guy for her, and having me in her life, despite her loving me will eventually lead to more hurt for her. 

And lastly, it wasn't a sudden change in mind, it was gradual. Over time I just started to realize I am not the kind of person who can be restrained to one woman, one place, one set of conventional rules. And I know the reasons I once wanted those things. I once wanted them because I thought it was what you were supposed to do.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

If you know this is who you are and she doesn't share the same values and ultimately you are just going to continue doing what you want to do without regard for her feelings....then leave. She will probably hate you for it, but to mislead her into thinking you want the same as she does in life is not doing either of you a favor. 

From what you have said, it doesn't mean that it necessarily the case that marriage is not for you....but this one isn't. 

I know a couple that is married, don't want kids, never have. They have fun toys, travel, live the way they choose. But they found each other and both wanted the same things.


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## philosophical (Nov 26, 2013)

Right, that is a valid point. Maybe a different type of marriage is more for me than the one I currently have. Could possibly be true. I know she is going to hate me for it, but I also know I eventually have to come clean because I am not doing neither of us any favors at this point.


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## philosophical (Nov 26, 2013)

One burning question that kind of sits with me is. I don't really know how to approach this. Most marriages and relationships I have seen end go down in a blaze of fighting and emotion. My wife and I fight, like anyone else does but it isn't very frequent and it never really lasts very long.

Like I said, I like my wife, and part of the reason I am considering this is for her, so she can move on and hopefully find a man who will treat her better than I do. Even though I think I am a terrible husband, I know she will be devastated. Is it customary to just drop a hammer like this seemingly out of nowhere? I am sure for her there are not too many, if any warning signs of this.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Would it be fair to ask what her expectations are in this marriage? It is possible she has the same idea as you do but because if society does not express that. or she is in a different place than you. You need to tell her where you are at. 
I wouldn't say that you can expect smooth sailing in this (if so that is great) but it will most likely be a lot of resentment and anger
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philosophical (Nov 26, 2013)

It's a fair question, about the expectations and I have touched on it before with her. The thing is, when I bring it up to her, she seems like initially it sounds so exciting, but she always brings it back to, and then we can do all of this other normal stuff I don't really feel like doing. To me it seems like for her, it would be more of a temporary adventure while for me, it needs to be more of a way of life.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

All you need to really do is let her read your post here. I think she would be more then happy to divorce you after she reads it. Yes, you need to divorce. Man to man, you need to be a man and let her go. Tell her everything, she will be pissed and angry, pack your stuff and don't go back. Be a man, don't lie, tell her the truth. When she calls you keep it business and don't get emotional with her. It's going to be very easy to lie to her and tell her things you don't mean or intend on doing, don't do that. You will only string her along. Be brutally honest as you have been here. Once you start, don't give in to her to make her feel better, end the emotional ties you have with her and walk away. 
You two are not a match just based on you not wanting kids and she does.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

So I'm guessing your are still both in your 20s? Sounds to me like you got married way too young, and for the wrong reasons. Marriage is not a thing, an acquisition it is a partnership. But we are all here on this forum because we are obviously struggling. Good for you to try to get help. I agree with Gonnbealright. Be happy you have no kids, and separate/divorce. Sounds like you never got to live through your 20s like most boys do... having fun, dating. None of your behaviour seems strange or addictive for a 20 something, except the fact that you are supposedly married. So cut the ties, continue to explore and maybe one day you'll meet someone you really connect with, and maybe not! I know a lot of single people in their 40s and 50s who are more than happy being single, and have no desire to ever marry.

Mistakes come in all forms, and just because this one has a legal agreement attached to it, doesn't make it any more serious, especially because there are no kids in the picture.


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## ThereToo (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm in the same camp...I was pretty much anti-marriage,then I hit 30 and after getting beat up socially I started to ponder if maybe I should settle down. It was at that time I met her and I guess I was in such a vulnerable state that when she sold the marriage thing I didn't want to rock the boat so I just went along thinking if if doesn't work out we'll just end it...not that easy.

8 years later and we're still here,barely hanging on. I see some of my friends who are still single and pondering the same things I was...I try to warn them but naturally they don't listen. No one listens,then come the regrets later.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Do her a favor, give her a divorce. You are not even close to being ready for marriage. Gonnabealright is very correct by saying if she read what you posted here, she would walk and never turn back.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

If we lived forever, marriage wouldn't exist. It's impossible for two people to be together forever. Eventually, it's going to be time to move on. As we live longer and longer, marriage laws will need to be amended to things like partnership laws. We have common law, but it doesn't quite cover it enough, nor cover it fairly enough. The laws are outdated and need a serious overhaul.


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## EuropeanWifey (May 10, 2013)

I completely agree with Gonnabealright and Keenwa. You went into this marriage with honest and pure intentions, and over time you have gotten to know yourself better, and now see that you aren't happy living a well-structured, conventional type of lifestyle. The fact that this realization came gradually to you only means that it is true. You now know in your heart that the right thing to do is divorce so that both you and your wife can eventually live the way each of you envisions. Work up those 20 seconds of insane courage to open up, which is the hardest... be clear and honest, indeed, like you are in this post; be kind, but firm. It will be hard, but in the long run you are doing this because you care about her and want her to have a better, happier life. Good luck.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

Hi,

The fact that marriage is or is not for you is not the question right now. It can change over time or not, it doesn't matter to find it out at the moment. What everybody figured out by now is that THIS marriage is not for you.

I don't think you are crazy, I felt the same way as you did about life, marriage and family. Then I rushed into marriage at 21. And, for many reasons I won't be bothering you now, after 2.5 years I can't stand my married life. It consumes all my energy and is killing my personality. I feel I am now discovering who I want to be. I don't think I am immature in a childish way, but certainly our 20's are fast-changing times and if we are curious about the world it is likely not to work... I also went from the big wish of being married and having a big family to "can't stand thinking of future commitment and who knows if I will ever have children".

There is some craziness in this, but well...it is always a good quality in other areas of our lives. When you talk about Asia and Europe, exploring the world, you know what I mean.

I never cheated on anyone though. Not that I don't find some people attractive at times, but because it is who I am. I am faithful because of my values and personality, it doesn't depend on the other person. In that sense, the fact that you cheated is not because you are immature or crazy, but it's a personality trait likely to remain until you're old and just can't get it up! 

You already hurt her. The longer you stay, the longer you risk having children and make a bigger mess out of this situation.


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