# Telling the children



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Should both mum and dad do this together ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

humpty dumpty said:


> Should both mum and dad do this together ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Absolutely. If at all possible you should both be present for support.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

,,,,,,this will likely be the most difficult thing you will do in your life. It breaks my heart that you find yourself in this position.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Betrayedone said:


> ,,,,,,this will likely be the most difficult thing you will do in your life. It breaks my heart that you find yourself in this position.


It breaks me knowing I've got to do
It . They so don't deserve to go through this hurt .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

You both should do it together..


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Heidi2005 said:


> You both should do it together..


Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Only if he is owning it. He did bad, not you. The kids should know that he is responsible.

They don't need details of course and they need to know that they didn't do anything wrong and neither did you.

I am so sorry for your circumstances. Best wishes.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Only if he is owning it. He did bad, not you. The kids should know that he is responsible.


Best thing is to present it as a mutual decision without blaming one partner or the other. The kids simply will be better off if they are able to maintain positive relationships with each parent. They will figure out what happened eventually.

This does NOT mean that you should not hold the other party accountable. Just try to keep the kids out of that as well as you can.

Tell them you both love them, and nothing will ever change that, and that the divorce is not their fault. Repeat that often.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

IronWine29 said:


> Best thing is to present it as a mutual decision without blaming one partner or the other. The kids simply will be better off if they are able to maintain positive relationships with each parent. They will figure out what happened eventually.
> 
> This does NOT mean that you should not hold the other party accountable. Just try to keep the kids out of that as well as you can.
> 
> Tell them you both love them, and nothing will ever change that, and that the divorce is not their fault. Repeat that often.


I think this is what I'm hoping will happen .. I don't want there Dads behaviour to effect there relationship with him .. I hope he agrees
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> Best thing is to present it as a mutual decision without blaming one partner or the other. The kids simply will be better off if they are able to maintain positive relationships with each parent. They will figure out what happened eventually.
> 
> This does NOT mean that you should not hold the other party accountable. Just try to keep the kids out of that as well as you can.
> 
> Tell them you both love them, and nothing will ever change that, and that the divorce is not their fault. Repeat that often.


It depends. It depends on their ages and the cause of the break up.

We told my children in sanitized terms ie. I broke your mother's trust. My daughter asked me later, point blank, Did he have affairs. All I can say is don't lie.

I still don't know if what I did was the right thing but I spoke with the therapist prior to it and thought it through carefully.

Good luck, Humpty dumpty.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Fenix said:


> It depends. It depends on their ages and the cause of the break up.


That is a great point. They will want to know why, and you should anticipate their questions and have age-appropriate, truthful responses thought out.

Try to look at it from their point of view, also. Their first question is likely to be, "Where am I going to live?"


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

In a perfect world, both parents would be there and involved in the conversation. Depending on their age, they want to know where they will live, with whom, can the keep going to the same school. So I would wait to have the conversation until you can truthfully answer those kind of questions. Repeat over and over that they are not at fault, it was nothing they did or didn't do. Kids often think if they had done something differently it could have been avoided-because that's how kids are.
As to the why? Again that is age appropriate. But no matter what do not lie to them. Don't tell them Mom and Dad drifted apart if that's not what happened. If there's been arguing in the house, tell them it hurts everyone and the best thing for the family is for you two to stop living together.
I believe if there has been infidelity, and the kids are old enough, you tell them. Tell them dad broke my heart and it can't be fixed.
I know parents who like to believe they are responsible want to believe that one party's infidelity shouldn't impact the parent's relationship with the children. Guess what? Divorce brought on by infidelity impacts children.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Only if he is owning it. He did bad, not you. The kids should know that he is responsible.
> 
> They don't need details of course and they need to know that they didn't do anything wrong and neither did you.
> 
> I am so sorry for your circumstances. Best wishes.


I disagree. Bottom line is BOTH people are ALWAYS responsible for the demise of a relationship. I was in an abusive relationship but even I know that by not setting boundaries early on and not asserting myself (he is NPD, not 'burning bed' type) I contributed unhealthy personal dynamics to the relationship.

Whether it's cheating, alcohol abuse, etc. there are always two people that create that dynamic. There is no satan/saint and kids don't need to blame one parent or the other - it undermines their relationship and that is WRONG.

I feel particularly strong about this because ex told my daughter I cheated and that he never abused me (she was 4 so her personal memories were limited) and that I ruined our family... yet I just told her that I fell out of love because we argued an awful lot (asked her if she remembered the yelling). Also that his yelling was scary.

Kids don't have to know who took that step which was lethal to the marriage. They DESERVE to love both parents. Always. Don't take that away or poison that. It's not for the spouse who gets to save face - it's for the kids. Don't make the choose sides and by blaming one or the other, they automatically feel they need to support the parent who was more hurt.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

The way I see it is kids need both parents. Saying mean things about your ex or stbx won't do anything good for the kids. It might make a person feel a little better to say it but in the end you have to consider how your actions will impact the kids.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> I know parents who like to believe they are responsible want to believe that one party's infidelity shouldn't impact the parent's relationship with the children. Guess what? Divorce brought on by infidelity impacts children.


Oh boy, does it ever.

The kids will find out eventually. What you need to figure out is do you want to lie by omission or tell an age appropriate truth? When they do find out, it still isn't easy and there is often the added resentment. Still, it is a very hard truth for a young age.

****ing cheaters.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Should definitely be handled together.

The topic is "Telling the Children".

This should be a very high level, need-to-know only conversation.

What happens after that will depend on the age and maturity of the children.

They may have questions.

You need to be prepared to answer them honestly in an age-appropriate manner.

These questions can be answered honestly without giving all the gory details.

This will most likely be a topic of conversation that never ends. As they grow up there will be more questions. As they age they will be more curious. It's important to encourage them to be open with you. 

It's tricky proposition. You don't want to disparage the other parent as this almost always comes back to bite you in the rear.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Fenix said:


> Oh boy, does it ever.
> 
> The kids will find out eventually. What you need to figure out is do you want to lie by omission or tell an age appropriate truth? When they do find out, it still isn't easy and there is often the added resentment. Still, it is a very hard truth for a young age.
> 
> ****ing cheaters.


Why do they need to find out eventually? I guess as adults they may overhear or figure it out but really - why?

I don't see it as lying by omission but being charitable with truth sharing. I think it shows consideration toward the kids.

Bottom line is kids want to love their parents. BOTH of them. And hindering that love or loyalty in any way is not cool and not fair to the kids. 

If they find out through family or overhearing and ask I think it's fine to acknowledge it, but follow it up with "I didn't think you needed to know because they love you and this is not about [parents], this is about parent/child. And refuse any details by saying they don't need to know, that it's in the past.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

They are out of the firing line and staying with my family until Friday ..... Things have been to hard here and I really want to protect them from seeing and hearing horrid things .
I've asked him to be here Friday to help explain .. It will be based along the lines that we both love and care for them , but we don't love each other anymore .. And after that I will be led by what questions they ask .. I won't lie for him .. But I'll keep it child friendly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> Best thing is to present it as a mutual decision without blaming one partner or the other. The kids simply will be better off if they are able to maintain positive relationships with each parent. They will figure out what happened eventually.
> 
> This does NOT mean that you should not hold the other party accountable. Just try to keep the kids out of that as well as you can.
> 
> Tell them you both love them, and nothing will ever change that, and that the divorce is not their fault. Repeat that often.


Good point but she deserves no credit for the failed marriage. The kids don't need to go through years being mad, partially, at mom for something she was innocent of.
Kids are smart. They can still love their dad with the knowledge that he is the one that did a bad thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

ConanHub said:


> Good point but she deserves no credit for the failed marriage. The kids don't need to go through years being mad, partially, at mom for something she was innocent of.
> Kids are smart. They can still love their dad with the knowledge that he is the one that did a bad thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed .. I know they will lash out at me because dads not here .. It's going to be hard ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

humpty dumpty said:


> Agreed .. I know they will lash out at me because dads not here .. It's going to be hard ..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not necessarily.
Not all kids lash out at either parent, regardless of the circumstances. Be honest, be reassuring and answer their questions.
For what its worth, my ex was with me when I told the kids. He said nothing and offered nothing, although that was not what we had agreed to. One child ran out of the room crying, one did not. They are ok now.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Not necessarily.
> Not all kids lash out at either parent, regardless of the circumstances. Be honest, be reassuring and answer their questions.
> For what its worth, my ex was with me when I told the kids. He said nothing and offered nothing, although that was not what we had agreed to. One child ran out of the room crying, one did not. They are ok now.


It really depends on the family dynamic. Some will choose to blame the parent who is the enforcer as opposed to the good time parent. Only Humpty knows her dynamic.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> Best thing is to present it as a mutual decision without blaming one partner or the other. The kids simply will be better off if they are able to maintain positive relationships with each parent. They will figure out what happened eventually.
> 
> This does NOT mean that you should not hold the other party accountable. Just try to keep the kids out of that as well as you can.
> 
> Tell them you both love them, and nothing will ever change that, and that the divorce is not their fault. Repeat that often.


I completely disagree with this. I think the best thing to do is to tell the kids the truth. I also think this makes it harder for people to abandon their families.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

wilderness said:


> I completely disagree with this. I think the best thing to do is to tell the kids the truth. I also think this makes it harder for people to abandon their families.


Oh I will be truthful ! If he chooses to abandon them .. Then he's lost out on a whole lot of love .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

humpty dumpty said:


> Oh I will be truthful ! If he chooses to abandon them .. Then he's lost out on a whole lot of love .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't be surprised if he does abandon them. It seems to be a common occurrence with serial cheaters.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> Don't be surprised if he does abandon them. It seems to be a common occurrence with serial cheaters.


I think my stbx will end up abandoning them. We shall see...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Don't be surprised if he does abandon them. It seems to be a common occurrence with serial cheaters.


Mine did. No support (I'm working on that in the court). During our year separation he saw the kids twice, no phone calls, only an occasional text. No input in school, sports, etc. He's just not a parent anymore and it is his choice. I have tried to get him involved. His loss.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How old are the children? I know the youngest is 4, but what about the others?

Can you explain that "daddy isn't going to be living with us anymore, we both love you all SO much, but we don't love each other anymore".

Then tell them that if they want to talk to you about it privately they can, and perhaps then tell them that Daddy made a mistake and sometimes grown ups make mistakes that can't be forgiven?

And let HIM say that...he has to own his monumental f uck up. HE broke the family. No one but him is responsible for this. If he wasn't happy he should have talked to you or left the marriage. There's no excuse for cheating. Ever.

That way you're telling them that their dad is a lying, scum sucking piece of s hit, without actually using those words.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

wilderness said:


> I completely disagree with this. I think the best thing to do is to tell the kids the truth. I also think this makes it harder for people to abandon their families.


Always tell the truth. I was assuming that the decision was mutual, and that there was a minimal level of parental responsibility here. If that isn't the case, obviously, a lot tougher. 

It sounds like you have a really tough situation, HD. Keep your chin up.

We tend to be focused on the reasons for the split. The kids may be focused, at least initially, on what it means for them -- where they'll live, with whom, will they need to change schools. Think about the kinds of questions they will ask, and be ready to answer those as best you can.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I disagree. Bottom line is BOTH people are ALWAYS responsible for the demise of a relationship. I was in an abusive relationship but even I know that by not setting boundaries early on and not asserting myself (he is NPD, not 'burning bed' type) I contributed unhealthy personal dynamics to the relationship.
> 
> Whether it's cheating, alcohol abuse, etc. there are always two people that create that dynamic. There is no satan/saint and kids don't need to blame one parent or the other - it undermines their relationship and that is WRONG.
> 
> ...


So, did you cheat? I can imagine it was very uncomfortable for you to have your ex say that then.

I disagree with your stance though. Kids (esp older kids) need a reason. Falling out of love/drifting apart is not a reason and makes them question the whole concept. If the child is young, using that as a reason will lead to them thinking "what about me? will they fall out of love with me?" 

Plus, secrets are just a bad idea.

As far as deserving to love both parents, the cheating parent and the child will have to renegotiate their relationship. That isn't easy and will take time. Ultimately, the strength of the relationship will be tested and hopefully, a new relationship will develop. The child will have lost all illusions to the infallibility/perfection of the offending parent. He/she will have to recognize that their parent is very flawed and come to terms with that. It is a life lesson and one that I wish our children didn't have to learn, but to shroud it in secrecy does them a grave disservice in the long run. It is awfully tempting to hide the reason under the guise of protecting the child, but it doesn't work.

Finally, an older child needs to recognize who the parent is so that they do not choose someone similar (esp. in the case of a serial cheater).

I chose to tell after much thought and discussion with professionals. I do second guess that decision, but every time I revisit it, I come up with the same conclusion. It was the right thing to do, but does have incredibly tough consequences.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

My situation is a little different, I have a 3 year old whom we told that Daddy wont be living with us anymore.. he doesnt seem to notice it that much as his dad iss till involved and 0picks him up from school as usual.

My other issue is my H has an older son who is 13 who ihelped raised and Im actually very close to his mother and we all co-parent him. My H decided to take it upon himself and tell his older son without me knowing or even being present and tell him that we where separated, his older son didnt take it very well... but anyways
after I fould out about my H having an affair and actually living with this woman, he then told his Older son, that he wants to intorduce him to the other woman!

I was shocked.... it hasnt even been 2 weeks since the affair was uncovered...

I dont understand why he is moving so quickly and expecting everyone to just be ok.. becuase he proclaims to be so much happier now.


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