# Wife vs. Mom



## Zin (Aug 15, 2013)

So.. I'm having woman trouble all around.

My mom's a super sweet lady. Cringingly so. Whenever I talk to her she has to ask how everybody in the family is (including my wife's side - yes, I know my in-laws are my family, too - and my dad's side - they're divorced.) I'm sure she feels bad if she forgets to ask about somebody. The point is, she's super sappy, wants to be friends with everyone, and she gets sad and her feelings hurt easily.  She's also a person I've gone to for emotional support for my entire life.

My mother-in-law (I may not be completely objective here) seems to like to create drama - snide and/or hurtful remarks galore, back-handed compliments. She openly admits to and revels in being a witch. My wife would dispute this but I honestly feel that my mother-in-law likes to make things harder for her kids. She'll make remarks regarding how lucky my wife is to not have to deal with issues like she - my MIL - had to (and in a manner that makes it sound like she WANTS my wife/her daughter to have issues.) It baffles me.

My wife - very black and white and raised almost exclusively by her mother. She will debate something if she doesn't see logic behind the other side and she often debate/argues with her mom. It's kind of the way they communicate, in almost a confrontational manner. I hear about how her mom upsets her multiple times a week. But they argue and get over it. (Opposite of me - it takes a lot to upset me but when I'm rattled, it takes time for me to come down from it too.)

Anyway, here's what I'm struggling with:
My wife and I are newly married and ever since our mother's met (prior to our wedding), there's been mom drama. If my wife and I argue, it's typically as a result of our mothers somehow. It's not horrible right now but it's wearing on me and I don't want it to be an issue moving forward.

My wife would dispute this as well but I believe my MIL said something to my wife to cause a rift between my mom and wife. It really is a bunch of "he said, she said" but it worked. I vehemently defended my mom, my wife defended hers (our worst argument to date), and while my wife and I have been able to move forward beyond this argument, the issue lingers.. for two reasons:

1 - My wife isn't as warm to my mom as she used to be (my observation) or super sweetly warm to her as my mom would like (and I don't expect her to be as my mom can be a lot to swallow sometimes.) She's also quick to be annoyed by my mom.
AND
2 - My mom is constantly hurt by it and is starting to "keep score" (she notes how much time we spend at her place when we visit.) I believe my mom is starting to see slights that don't exist. (Okay, maybe there are more than two reasons there.)

So I do what I can to be the middle-man and keep the peace by translating mom-speak to something that won't annoy my wife and wife-speak into something that won't hurt my mom. But I'm tired of it and the one time I didn't play middle-man.. well, my mom wound up very hurt (for no reason but for an avoidable reason - I don't want to get into specifics but let's say that my wife could have said "thank you" but instead "no thank you" and my mom was hurt by the rejection.)

I know I'm rambling but both know that I just want them to get along. I feel like my wife's opinion of my mom has been knocked down severely (to where she thinks hers and mine are the same but react differently.. and maybe that's the case but I don't think so at all since I see my mom as a loving and caring individual who wants the best for her kids .)

And my wife and I are expecting our first child soon.. a girl, of course.. which I know will make things so much easier!

Any and all constructive advise is appreciated! Or you can just laugh at me. That's fine, too.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Both your wife and mom need to grow up. You need to tell them explicitly what you want from them and what they can expect from you. It is not your job to play the middleman and this way you will ruin both relationships.

And get rid of the toxic MIL.

Good luck and congratulations on the upcoming addition to your family.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

Ditto life 101

A child will not make this situation better. Fix it before the baby comes as at that time there will be another round of issues. 

As far as who spends what time where. I hate that. They can keep score all they want but at the end of the day it is you who decides where you go and who you spend time with. 

As far as the relationship triangles forming when you involve your parents in your marriage. That should stop too. Your spouse should be the person you should talk to if you have a problem with something they did or said. Not your mom. Just like letting her deal with her mother.

Toxic people have earned low to no contact for your own self preservation. Since you are having a child I suggest low communication on your part. 

Good luck! Caught early and completely fixable. You just have to change the way you communicate in these situations. You can't control how other people feel nor what they say.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Talk to your wife, for the peace of the marriage she needs to separated herself from the "fighting" as your wife she needs to respect your mother. This is petty bickering and there are more important things in life. Don't wait for later to put this issue aside as it will get worse. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You chose to marry your wife and as part of the courting process were given time to find out how your wife interacted with her mother and your mother..... So you chose this set up to a degree.

Once you are married, your allegiance belongs to your wife. In other words you can't make your wife feel a certain way about her mother or your mother. You can't run around smoothing everything over or you will be miserable.

But, you have to hold your wife accountable to acting to your standards. If your mother is a good person, then you expect your wife to treat your mother with dignity regardless of how she feels about her. If your wife's mother is harming your marriage, you hold your wife accountable for protecting your marriage against her mother. 

In other words, hold her accountable to how she acts but not hows she feels... But your allegiance is to your wife now that you are married.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Be up-front with them both. Invite Mom over so you can discuss this situation, but inform both Mom & wife ahead of time that your (all 3 of you) relationship will be the topic of discussion (do not drop a bomb on them out of nowhere). You should hit the following points:

1) Wife, you know I love you; there can be no doubt as you are the only woman I have chosen to marry and spend my life with. I have also CHOSEN you to be the mother of our children. You are the MOST IMPORTANT part of my life! You should have NO DOUBT of this, and if you do, you need to bring it up to me so we can communicate better. I love you and I always will!

As my wife, I expect that you will support me and help develop a great relationship with my mom and all of my family. I want a loving supportive relationship with my mom and my dad for me and for our child and for you. No one is perfect; not ME, not MOM, not YOU. Our child will not be perfect, either. If we can all accept that no-one is perfect, including ourselves, we can support each other in building a good family structure that all 3 generations can rely on for support.

You love me, and it is due IN LARGE PART to the work this woman (mom) has done to raise me right. Although my relationship with you & baby is the most important, it is not the ONLY important relationship in my life. Please acknowledge that in your heart. 

2) Mom, you know I love you and am very grateful for your love and support throughout my life. A large part of the man I am now is due to your efforts. I acknowledge that and appreciate it. That being said, my relationship with wife is the most important relationship in my life now, as it should be.

As a parent, I believe our job is to raise our daughter to be a happy, healthy, positively-contributing adult in our society. You have done that for me. We will be seeking your advice in the future with regard to baby and we know that you'll want to help us with that. Likewise, I still want to be there for you, Mom, to support you however you may need me.

You love me and want me to be happy. This woman (wife) makes me happy so please acknowledge that in your heart.

We will all have a much happier relationship if we re-adjust our thinking that these relationships are not adversarial; they should be supportive. If either of you honestly believes that *I* am not being supportive of you, please let me know. As for how you get along with each other, I would lovingly/respectfully ask that you examine that in your own hearts and your own minds and please make an extra effort to build a great relationship with each other for MY sake and for BABY'S sake, because I love all of you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Zin said:


> I vehemently defended my mom, my wife defended hers (our worst argument to date)


Stop defending your mother.

You are married now.

I don't care if you mother is a saint your wife comes first.

Learn to deflect arguments by agreeing with your wife.

Then STAY OUT OF THE MAMA DRAMA.

This is not your problem.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Stop defending your mother.
> 
> You are married now.
> 
> ...


This.

Oh yeah, name your daughter after your wife. For example, if your wife's name is mary, name her Mary, Jr.

See how that one goes over.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Zin said:


> 1 - My wife isn't as warm to my mom as she used to be (my observation) or super sweetly warm to her as my mom would like (and I don't expect her to be as my mom can be a lot to swallow sometimes.) She's also quick to be annoyed by my mom.
> AND
> 2 - My mom is constantly hurt by it and is starting to "keep score" (she notes how much time we spend at her place when we visit.) I believe my mom is starting to see slights that don't exist. (Okay, maybe there are more than two reasons there.)


Your mom doesn't sound "sweet". 

I think you need to tell your mother that your relationship with your wife comes first and she needs to stop with the score-keeping because you will not be coming round any more if she keeps it up. I had draw clear boundary lines for my mom (ages ago when we were newlyweds). 

You don't need to be middle man but you do need to draw lines clearly with the consequences spelled out. Zero tolerance for disrespect toward your wife.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah I don't think your mom sounds all that sweet either.

She hasn't quite cut the apron strings yet.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Zin,

You need to be totally alpha and set fair, equal boundaries on both sides of the meddling mother fence. Determine what those are and set rules in place. 

I might add that you are in for one heck of a ride. The old adage is "if you want to know what you wife will be like in 30 years, look at your MIL." You may have found the exception to this rule. However, in observing myself and my friends, I find this phrase to be reliably true.

Your only hope is setting expectations on the types of behavior that you will or will not accept - whether from your spouse, MIL or mother. You will have to be a stronger man than I to survive this toxic relationship environment without significant stress and strife.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

My mother-in-law is "super sweet", too. It annoys the hell out of me becasue my husband thinks it's sincere, and I think it's manipulation. 
You don't need to be a middle-man. You don't have to be close to your mother-in-law and your wife doesn't have to be close to hers. The relationship the two mothers have with each other is THEIR business, not yours or your wife's. 
I think you both need to see your mothers a lot less. They are not a part of your marriage and have no say in your relationship or decisions.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Ok. Here is the deal. If your wife loves you, then she will respect your mother and she will keep her feelings to herself. It is very hurtful to a spouse if one partner makes them feel bad about caring about their parents. If you love your wife, you won't talk about your feelings for her mother, and you will treat her well. Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't like to do because we are adults. I have friends whose MIL are so manipulative and it is clear as day. How do they avoid the drama? They keep their feelings to themselves and just be respectful. Sucks sometimes, but it keeps you from having ridiculous family drama.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - The only reason you are stuck in the middle of all this is because...... that is where you have placed yourself.

Your wife is now the #1 woman in your life. No-one else.

However... simple respect is not too much to ask for. I would suggest you say nothing disrespectful or rude about her mother and verbally state that you expect the same from her.

My MIL is very lovely and kind...but she is also very clever at manipulating people to do what she wants. She learnt early on that sweetness gets you much further in life than aggression.

But we don't let her control any part of OUR marriage.

You shouldn't either.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

I think it's adorable that you think things are going to be easier with the new baby in the picture. Whooooo.... Just wait.

Set boundaries now, call any of them on their crap, or this snowball is going to become an avalanche.


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## Zin (Aug 15, 2013)

Thanks for the advice and insight, everyone. I appreciate it all and agree with most of it.

Obviously I've drawn very simple caricatures of everyone involved - it's tough to give the full complexity of a person or issue in a forum thread.

My plan of action is to talk to my wife about mutually agreed upon boundaries for both of our mothers - determine what we will and will not tolerate, and how we'll "police" this - as well as how we need to act/react to our respective MILs. While we'd both agree that our own mothers can cause us grief, I know we also both want them involved in our daughters life in a non-toxic way.

So, again, thanks for the advice and insight, all.


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