# Am I the only woman who has a high drive??



## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Ok obviously that's not true... But it did get your attention XD

Ok. Married for just a year. My hubby is an alcoholic. Finally sober. Again. 
When he's sober he's got no sex drive. Unless it was the beginning of the relationship then it was 3x a day. Then once he started drinking it was still once or twice daily. I considered myself very very lucky as my last marriage was painfully sexless and terrible.

But... I'm lucky if it's once a week. And I'm dying inside. My love language rates high on the physical touch side and this is really agonizing and lonely. 

I've told him that this is really lonely and that I'm very deprived sexually. He says he'll change that and "oh no, I would never want you to feel that way" but nothing changes. If we do have sex it's about taking care of him and I'm left thinking that was a waste of time. 

I'm not into toys, I want a real person to have passionate toe curling sex with. Daily would be great. Every other day would be great. This is not great. I'm still a newlywed and this already sucks!! 
Not to mention, we don't really connect anymore emotionally. When he drinks he's very talkative but now... He's wrapped up in his own head. I can't have a glass of wine anymore so I don't set him off to drink again but that means no more for me either and I don't have the same issues as him.

I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm totally unsatisfied. I feel like I got married to someone and he's changed which is so strange.... Am I alone in this? Am I wrong for thinking of divorce? I feel like I'm quitting but being lonely and sex deprived as a newlywed really really sucks.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Does he need alcohol to “let himself go” and without it he has some hangup or other about sex?
I think a sex therapist could help but you’re going to have to do the organizing because he’s quite happy with things as they are. 
Do not let him try and convince you that he will change on his own, you will be in for a sexless marriage otherwise.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Tobeknown said:


> Ok obviously that's not true... But it did get your attention XD
> 
> Ok. Married for just a year. My hubby is an alcoholic. Finally sober. Again.
> When he's sober he's got no sex drive. Unless it was the beginning of the relationship then it was 3x a day. Then once he started drinking it was still once or twice daily. I considered myself very very lucky as my last marriage was painfully sexless and terrible.
> ...



To answer the question as posed, no you are not the only woman. I never thought my drive was high until I came here and heard how many woman are just not into it at all. I am happy with once a day and twice on Sunday's as my boyfriend likes to joke. 

As to the other issues you're having. It's not uncommon for an alcoholic to have what seems like a personality change once they sober up. Because his real personality was hidden behind the alcohol the entire time he was actively drinking. 

Is he taking any antidepressants or any meds to help him stay sober? Those very often will kill a person's libido. He could talk to his doctor about trying a different medication that may not have that side effect. 

You may have to tell him what you've told us? You feel like you might want a divorce and lay it all out on the line as to why. It's possible if he's newly sober all he can manage is thinking about staying sober right now and he has nothing left to give anyone else at the end of the day. The selfishness in bed could be from that or maybe he was always that way. The point it is without telling him all that you've told us I doubt things will change.

I'm sorry you're going through this...I'm sure it hurts a lot. I wish you good luck. *hugs*


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

When I met him he was sober for 4+ years and had an incredible drive and was very passionate. I thought I'd hit the jackpot.

But he's quit drinking again and he's on antianxiety meds (same ones I'm taking lol) and he was on them when we met. 

I'm hoping this is the "newly sobriety phase" because i cant imagine years like this. Been there done that and it was so so awful. 

I have talked to him at length about this and he vows to change it. But it doesn't. And I'm tired of feeling like I have to bed for it, it's hurting my self image. I know I'm attractive, I've gained a little weight but so has he. 

Sigh. I feel like I'm in this hell all over again.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Tired of feeling like I have to *beg* for it.


It's degrading to have to constantly ask to be desired. 😞


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Tobeknown said:


> Tired of feeling like I have to *beg* for it.
> 
> 
> It's degrading to have to constantly ask to be desired. 😞


Yes, it crushes your soul. Ask him outright if he had this same issue last time he got sober? Maybe it's a temporary thing as he adjusts to the sober life. If so could you wait it out, support him through this adjustment knowing that things will get back on track?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Tell him again and set a date, and vowing not to resind what's on the table. If he cannot or will not change to be more loving and affectionate you have your answer. Don't be the one that hangs on to a dream. Make your stand.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

We had "the talk" and I wasn't pointing fingers etc but I did say I feel... Lonely, deprived of sex and affection...I reminded him that this was an ongoing issue that keeps coming up over and over. 

He gets defensive. He says "think about it, this isn't true!".
With tears in my eyes in saying, "but it is true this is how I feel others this wouldn't be an issue"

It's like he doesn't want to hear me.
He says "I want you all the time" but that isn't what's happening. I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall that doesn't want to hear the truth. 

He seems to think this will all blow over in a few months.
Ok. Maybe. But if not I'm tired of hanging on to dreams that's won't come true.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Tobeknown said:


> My love language rates high on the physical touch side and this is really agonizing and lonely.


ROUGH. I feel for you here. Mine is the same and the isolation is maddening.




Tobeknown said:


> I've told him that this is really lonely and that I'm very deprived sexually.


Great. State your issues clearly so there is no misunderstanding.



Tobeknown said:


> He says he'll change that and "oh no, I would never want you to feel that way" but nothing changes.


And you get the promises never to be fulfilled.



Tobeknown said:


> If we do have sex it's about taking care of him and I'm left thinking that was a waste of time.


Why do you allow it to be about him?




Tobeknown said:


> I'm not into toys, I want a real person to have passionate toe curling sex with. Daily would be great. Every other day would be great. This is not great. I'm still a newlywed and this already sucks!!
> Not to mention, we don't really connect anymore emotionally.


Your desire is not unreasonable. I see no reason to accept less.

Not connecting emotionally, especially in the honeymoon phase, no bueno.




Tobeknown said:


> When he drinks he's very talkative but now... He's wrapped up in his own head. I can't have a glass of wine anymore so I don't set him off to drink again but that means no more for me either and I don't have the same issues as him.


Here's an issue.
You will keep changing yourself (You example is you can't even have a glass of wine) to try to make things better. This will lead to resentment, especially with the sex and emotional issues you are having. 

It would be way different he he was emotionally connecting with you as well a smashing you as often as you wanted/needed.




Tobeknown said:


> I feel like I got married to someone and he's changed which is so strange.... Am I alone in this? Am I wrong for thinking of divorce? I feel like I'm quitting but being lonely and sex deprived as a newlywed really really sucks.


No.

You are married to an alcoholic. He will always be an alcoholic. You will never change that.
He will change from time to time due to his alcoholism. You can't stop that nor change that.
He has to decide to change for the better and your relationship.
It takes two to make a marriage work and you can't do it all.

Let me let you in on a secret, being lonely and sex deprived at any stage of your marriage suck. 
Being lonely and sex starved at the newlywed stage is marriage ruining.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I will tell you this. Standing next to someone who is supposed to want you and doesn't is a LOT more lonely and damaging than standing alone. I know from personal experience.

Food for thought.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, document the times you DO have sex for a few weeks -- and when he says its NOT true and you do all the time, you can show him.
This will I think take a LOT of conversations and HE will keep getting defensive. You need to find a way for him to TALK, not defend.

I think that counseling IC AND MC (and maybe a sex therapist, but I would do the first two first) will be required.

I wonder if there are deep issues with him that caused him to drink which prevent him from being affectionate/communicative.

Also, don't make it JUST about sex -- tell him you want him to hold your hand more, just generally touch you more. What is HIS love language? If not touch, it may be hard for him to understand YOU need this - that it's just part of your makeup.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

He says he's ADD. So he's constantly wrapped up in his own head. All. The. Time. 

I read an article about being married to someone who is and at first you are the center of attention, filling that dopamine high, but later, that high wears off and you are no longer that new exciting thing and you're left feeling very alone. 

Perhaps this is true yet if that's the case I'll be alone because I can't expect him to change himself, no more than I can change the fact I'm a talker who really enjoys deep intimate conversation. I've had that, I know what that feels like, and sadly we may have appeared to have that early in and I married him... And then it changed. Got really really bad when he's sober again. And I'm not an alcoholic. I didn't know he was until after we were married even his mother is in denial yet that's not the point. 

Thank you for your responses. I really need some advice and to hear my own thoughts when it because I think this marriage is doomed because he can't be something he's not. He isn't into a deep emotional connection the way I am. We don't cuddle, kids like we used to, and he admits fully that he's not doing what he needs to do. But we're only on year one!!! This is the best years? OMG that's depressing!


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

*kiss* like we used to


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

And he told me that his love language is touch and communicating.... That's why it we were all "in love" snuggling, touching, passionate, used to talk more...

But, it stopped. Months ago. I'm sure it's because he's obsessing about not drinking right now. Yet it's a very lonely road to travel when you're noticing your relationship is becoming very dry. I have tried many times in the past several months after the wedding to let him know that I really need his time and attention. 
Vows to make changes. They never come 😞


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Tobeknown said:


> And he told me that his love language is touch and communicating.... That's why it we were all "in love" snuggling, touching, passionate, used to talk more...
> 
> But, it stopped. Months ago. I'm sure it's because he's obsessing about not drinking right now. Yet it's a very lonely road to travel when you're noticing your relationship is becoming very dry. I have tried many times in the past several months after the wedding to let him know that I really need his time and attention.
> Vows to make changes. They never come 😞


I'm not making excuses for him, but if he did just quit drinking again, I am sure it is taking a lot of his mental and emotional power to deal with it.

In my experience that lessens as time goes on, so you might want to work with him on it before deciding it's going to be a problem forever.

I also don't see a problem with yourself laying of the alcohol while he adjusts. I would hope my SO would do the same.

I guess it depends on if you think he is a good investment overall.

I'm not being critical of you. I hope you work it out.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

I quit drinking too support him. 

He's been on and off the wagon so to speak and each time we get this horrible emotional rollercoaster. So if I seem a little resentful and quick to ditch...I am. 

It's been an exhausting first year with him. He's a very kind, sensitive man, he's wonderful in many ways. Yet I can't make up for the emotional and physical disconnection which is my love language...I feel alone and I'm really hoping this isn't how this will always be. 

I know I'm venting lots but I don't feel heard by him and I need that somehow. Thanks for listening everyone!! ♥


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Tobeknown said:


> I quit drinking too support him.
> 
> He's been on and off the wagon so to speak and each time we get this horrible emotional rollercoaster. So if I seem a little resentful and quick to ditch...I am.
> 
> ...


There is no shame in making a decision to get off the rollercoaster. Especially if you weren't aware of the situation.

Ultimately its his cross to bear.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

And I'm not gonna lie being sexually frustrated really really sucks!! I wish I liked toys... Would make things easier but I'm all about the intimacy. I want passion. I want sweaty wild hair and broken furniture!! (Ok kinda joking) 

I had a relationship like that for a couple years. But we weren't compatible in other ways sadly.... But damn if we didn't almost break the dining room table 🤣


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

"There is no shame in making a decision to get off the rollercoaster."

I'm new and an still figuring out how to attach an original post. Lol geez

Yes.... I'm so done with the crazy train. I had NO idea what it was like being married to an alcoholic. It's awful. I want out. He's put me through hell with this addiction emotionally. 

And no sex no love no intimacy? Oh hell no,


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

How often do fly initiate and how often does he refuse when you do?


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> How often do fly initiate and how often does he refuse when you do?


I'm always touching him telling him he's gorgeous, telling him how much I want him. 
I've touched him in bed to get him, or at least part of him, excited... But then he's "tired" and nothing happens. 
Or he'll after a week of nothing, be in bed and"want" me. So then he gets off but I'm left without the finale. 
I've told him how this makes me feel. He says he'll work on that. But here I am... Again... Very sexually frustrated .


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Tell him next time YOU get to have your fun time FIRST -- THEN he gets to go. Tell him he needs to do some work -- LOTS of ways that can be done before getting in the saddle as it were.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> How often do fly initiate and how often does he refuse when you do?


I'm always touching him telling him he's gorgeous, telling him how much I want him. 
I've touched him in bed to get him, or at least part of him, excited... But then he's "tired" and nothing happens. 
Or he'll after a week of nothing, be in bed and"want" me. So then he gets off but I'm left without the finale. 
I've told him how this makes me feel. He says he'll work on that. But here I am... Again... Very sexually frustrated. It sucks when I'm putting myself out there again and again and get rejected.

We used to have great sex. I'm guessing this part of coming off alcohol but this continues to be a pattern and I can't see spending my life in this pattern. Sigh.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Tell him next time YOU get to have your fun time FIRST -- THEN he gets to go. Tell him he needs to do some work -- LOTS of ways that can be done before getting in the saddle as it were.


Well yes I agree with this!! I actually felt the last time we had sex I was just going along for the ride because it was better than nothing at all. But then I feel worse than before because it didn't address the issue of true intimacy lacking and my needs were not me while his were. And then I'm resentful of that


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Tobeknown said:


> Well yes I agree with this!! I actually felt the last time we had sex I was just going along for the ride because it was better than nothing at all. But then I feel worse than before because it didn't address the issue of true intimacy lacking and my needs were not me while his were. And then I'm resentful of that


No man worth his salt wants to hear "you aren't satisfying me in bed" so maybe you need to be that explicit when you talk to him about it. "You're getting an orgasm and leaving me high and dry and that's going to stop or I'm walking" might be just what his selfish ass needs to hear.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

My opinion is that you need to realize that he is a imperfect human being with emotions and needs and wants also. It is not all about you. Expecting amazing sex everyday is unrealistic. He is going through a tough time trying to be sober. That’s a lot. I think that you should stop nagging him, and start living and supporting him in the way he needs it.

And I am going to tell you that he will never have sex with you everyday. You need to compromise on the amount of sex that is expected. Stop focusing on getting more and be happy with what you do have. 

If you love him, you would realiZe that this is just a small bump in the hopefully very long road you guys have together. But if you are unable to be happy with who he is, then leave him. Don’t nag him or degrade him or make him feel bad. Just leave. You don’t need to destroy someone trying to get them to change to please you. You can lovingly support him and divorce him if that is what you want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Tobeknown,

You might find this thread helpful: The Sex Staved Wife

It's a long thread, so read at least the first few pages as they list resources.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Don’t nag him or degrade him or make him feel bad


Actually I agree with most of what you said.
I haven't posted all of the conversations we have. 
I mention this issue maybe once a month. I've complimented him far more actually and degrading him is wrong and would be wrong. 
Being married to an alcoholic is very very difficult. Very. Had I known the tumultous road, but just a wee bit bumpy, I might have chosen differently. But I didn't. 

I'm here to vent. To get out things in a way that I wouldn't say to him because I'd say them with more sensitivity. 

And being sexually and emotionally disconnected over and over depending on his drinking/sobriety rollercoaster as a newly wed has been very very painful. Most of that pain I keep inside and get never sees it but I'm guessing you wouldn't know or understand that.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @Tobeknown,
> 
> You might find this thread helpful: The Sex Staved Wife
> 
> It's a long thread, so read at least the first few pages as they list resources.


Thank you! Your post is actually very helpful and I've gleaned some terrific info. ❤


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Tobeknown said:


> Actually I agree with most of what you said.
> I haven't posted all of the conversations we have.
> I mention this issue maybe once a month. I've complimented him far more actually and degrading him is wrong and would be wrong.
> Being married to an alcoholic is very very difficult. Very. Had I known the tumultous road, but just a wee bit bumpy, I might have chosen differently. But I didn't.
> ...



I understand. And I appreciate you telling us that your more here to vent your feeling as opposed to actual advice like just divorce him. I come here to vent and throw out ideas all the time. 
And I do understand that pain. I’m afraid most of us in this forum know that pain either from neglect, abuse, being cheated on, or having a spouse fall out of love with you. Life is not easy that’s for sure. I like to try to keep things positive and up lifting. Sorry if my post upset you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Is it possible any of the (if H is going to any) support groups are giving directions to him like "don't do this / that" or "focus on yourself, don't focus on any relationships, etc" ? 

Some groups do encourage members to be "closer to your sponsor" than anyone else, including gfs and wives even. That's not best, but it is a thing with some "groups".

Just a thought.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I understand and you're not alone, although my situation is different. I'm not an overtly sexual person and hide it well but I've always had a high sex drive. We're religious and my husband is particularly devout. I know that this doesn't mean you can't be sexual but he's so focused on religion and takes very little interest in sex. When we have sex it's vanilla. Sex is never discussed. It feels like an insignificant part of our relationship. Maybe I have a different attitude than many. I'm dealing with it and I'm not going to leave him because of it. It's who he is or at least who he is at this point.

I'm happy for what i have with my husband and I cherish him. Nothing is perfect in life and what couples are 100% compatible in every single way. I know there are people who say that you "deserve" to have your sexual needs met and I don't disagree with it but you simply can't have everything and if you look around and think that everyone has everything in their relationships, I know it's not like it appears. It's not like we don't have sex. Of course, this issue is not just about frequency but also about preferences.

Anyway, before my husband, I had sex with a lot of guys and had a lot of different experiences, good and bad. That fulfilled some things but also was deeply painful in other ways. Sexuality can be flammable and sometimes i have immoral and sinful thoughts that invade my mind that are opposed to my religion. I've been trying to control this. Overall I want to be happy in my marriage and I am. I'm not going to let my high sex drive and perverse thoughts and desires ruin my marriage. I'm better off with a partner who does not feed my sinful and unholy side. I know that there is a middle ground and ideally my husband would show more sexual desire for me and want sex daily or more . Every relationship and individual is different so i'm not trying to say what's right for everyone, but I do think that there are ways to make it work with a mismatch of sexual drive, desires and needs. Good luck.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Tobeknown said:


> *Am I the only woman who has a high drive??*


On message boards? No. 

It seems all women on message boards are *extremely* highly sexed, all are capable of multiple orgasms and squirting, all are able to climax from PIV alone, all are happy to have sex any time of the day or night and in any place at all, and the list goes on.

Then, there are the women in the *real* world. 🤣


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> On message boards? No.
> 
> It seems all women on message boards are *extremely* highly sexed, all are capable of multiple orgasms and squirting, all are able to climax from PIV alone, all are happy to have sex any time of the day or night and in any place at all, and the list goes on.
> 
> Then, there are the women in the *real* world. 🤣


I don't really understand the point. The kinds of things that you mention don't necessarily mean that those women have great sex lives. Maybe I'm misunderstanding but it sounds like you're mocking women with high sex drives and whose bodies react in a different way to yours or what you think is "normal". Sorry if i'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You have a SUPREME mis-match.....Give it up and move along.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This new forum format sucks......!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You knew he was an alcoholic before you married him. You had to know that the possibility of really sucky times was more likely to happen than not. You said that your sex life was amazing in the beginning and he was sober at that time. So he is very capable of this. How far sober was he at the point of time that you met? Was he on the same meds at that time? Meds can be a real bear on the libido. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

Most husbands will tell you that you are a rarity. Willing to bet a high percentage of men on this site due to being married to a low/no sex drive wife. I have not been intimate with my wife in five years and once in six years. Why I stay is another story.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Is it possible any of the (if H is going to any) support groups are giving directions to him like "don't do this / that" or "focus on yourself, don't focus on any relationships, etc" ?
> 
> Some groups do encourage members to be "closer to your sponsor" than anyone else, including gfs and wives even. That's not best, but it is a thing with some "groups".
> 
> Just a thought.


Never thought of that... But I don't think so. My H gets lost in his head often. I think it overshadows everything including noticing me. It's something he's aware of that needs work continually... I'm sure I have things too 😉 I've asked but so far he's happy or so I'm told


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Ditch said:


> Most husbands will tell you that you are a rarity. Willing to bet a high percentage of men on this site due to being married to a low/no sex drive wife. I have not been intimate with my wife in five years and once in six years. Why I stay is another story.


OMG!!! I'd lose my mind if I didn't have sex in that long... What in the actual heck?? I have a friend who admitted that she and her H only had sex once in 5 years and she admitted that she was completely uninterested now that she's got kids and hobbies....
Umm.... Sex is freaking awesome lady. And it's free. And it's exciting.

And I did mention to my H that my sex drive though I'm not a nympho hahahaha, would be a man's dream ordinarily. I'm not a model or anything but I think I'm relatively pretty, have a curvy figure, I watch what I eat, work out.... So it's not like I'm someone who just gave up on myself. 

You are a better man than I'd be. I wouldn't stay in a purposefully sexless marriage (not due to some medical condition) because to me, it's rejection.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> You knew he was an alcoholic before you married him. You had to know that the possibility of really sucky times was more likely to happen than not. You said that your sex life was amazing in the beginning and he was sober at that time. So he is very capable of this. How far sober was he at the point of time that you met? Was he on the same meds at that time? Meds can be a real bear on the libido.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Actually I didn't know much about alcoholism since I'd never dated one before and his mom and I talked at length about it and she was adamant it was a label he'd been given by his very overbearing ex wife years ago.

When we met and married he didn't drink but was very very affectionate. Then he started to drink casually and it was fine... Until it wasn't months later and I realized that he actually had a real problem. Then when he quit, sex then went with it. 
So.... This is a new thing for me, understanding alcoholism and it's affects. Sigh. 
I'm working to understand but I just get really bummed about the intimacy suddenly screeching to a halt 😭


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## almetcalf (Jul 16, 2014)

Tobeknown said:


> Tired of feeling like I have to _beg_ for it.
> 
> 
> It's degrading to have to constantly ask to be desired. 😞


That's how it always is with a low sex or no sex drive partner. It never gets better. EVER!!! I know, because I've waited 27 years for my wife to change and it doesn't happen. At one point you are so dead inside you no longer care about anything. The only thing that kept me going was the kids. 
My wife even said the same thing your husband did, about how I could have it more often if only..... But that's not true, I've tried everything. What amazes me is how after all these years she still wants to make me feel like the terrible one somehow. Take my advice, GET OUT NOW!!!


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## almetcalf (Jul 16, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> My opinion is that you need to realize that he is a imperfect human being with emotions and needs and wants also. It is not all about you. Expecting amazing sex everyday is unrealistic.
> 
> If you love him, you would realiZe that this is just a small bump in the hopefully very long road you guys have together.


YOU HAVE NO CLUE, PLEASE DON'T GIVE ANY MORE ADVICE!! HONESTLY, THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE READ.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Tobeknown said:


> Ok obviously that's not true... But it did get your attention XD


Obviously it's not true, no women have high sex drive, they just like to pretend it's true.

Don't mind me, just coming off a relationship with a woman who all intents and purposes was asexual (unless a movie star decides to drop into her bedroom want to be friends)


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Tobeknown said:


> I'm always touching him telling him he's gorgeous, telling him how much I want him.
> I've touched him in bed to get him, or at least part of him, excited... But then he's "tired" and nothing happens.
> Or he'll after a week of nothing, be in bed and"want" me. So then he gets off but I'm left without the finale.
> I've told him how this makes me feel. He says he'll work on that. But here I am... Again... Very sexually frustrated .


Just move the f... on. There are many hundreds of thousands of good people (and most of them male) who would appreciate you. Drop the dead wood.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Obviously it's not true, no women have high sex drive, they just like to pretend it's true.
> 
> Don't mind me, just coming off a relationship with a woman who all intents and purposes was asexual (unless a movie star decides to drop into her bedroom want to be friends)


I'm sorry to hear this... You clearly got the short end of the stick. I get it!! 
Truly we're out there. Maybe we're like unicorns and we just need to find our other unicorn.... Expect we think we found one but it's just a damn horse when a cone taped to his damn head and your like "ah ****!!!". Ok silly analogy but it's true. I feel totally like I'm starving.....😭


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

almetcalf said:


> That's how it always is with a low sex or no sex drive partner. It never gets better. EVER!!! I know, because I've waited 27 years for my wife to change and it doesn't happen. At one point you are so dead inside you no longer care about anything. The only thing that kept me going was the kids.
> My wife even said the same thing your husband did, about how I could have it more often if only..... But that's not true, I've tried everything. What amazes me is how after all these years she still wants to make me feel like the terrible one somehow. Take my advice, GET OUT NOW!!!


Sigh. I tried again this morning.... Touched him until his manly parts were at attention 😉 kissed his neck and told him how gorgeous he is etc... But...
He grumbles at me instead and rolls over.

I told him about it later because he could see in my eyes that I was sad today but we'll go to bed and nothing will happen this evening again. And I'm trying really hard not to feel rejected. I honestly wish I could take something, some sort of pill, to make me not interested in sex so I could just not care anymore. 
I've been divorced and I really really didn't want to do that again but this lack of intimacy unless it's when he's interested (not often these days) just frankly sucks. 
So I'm here venting. 
Funny thing about sex. The less you have of it, the more you think about it and want it!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

almetcalf said:


> That's how it always is with a low sex or no sex drive partner. It never gets better. EVER!!! I know, because I've waited 27 years for my wife to change and it doesn't happen. At one point you are so dead inside you no longer care about anything. The only thing that kept me going was the kids.
> My wife even said the same thing your husband did, about how I could have it more often if only..... But that's not true, I've tried everything. What amazes me is how after all these years she still wants to make me feel like the terrible one somehow. Take my advice, GET OUT NOW!!!


I was married to my husband for just shy of 13 yrs after being together for almost 20, it was sexless for nearly 10. The ****er cheated on me with a 19 y/o and I divorced him. I know too well the pain of constant rejection, lying next to someone who says they love you but won't touch you. 

My ex had all kinds of excuses... he didn't know why he wasn't interested, he had erectile dysfunction, it was too much "work" to have sex with me (I like a lot of sex) and it was easier to masturbate, he was put off by what I wanted (a little kinky action, he was super vanilla and refused to experiment) and finally, he was in love with someone else and hadn't been attracted to me in years. 

It will never get better, he is who he is, while you will die piece by piece inside and lock down part of yourself just to get through each day.



Tobeknown said:


> Sigh. I tried again this morning.... Touched him until his manly parts were at attention 😉 kissed his neck and told him how gorgeous he is etc... But...
> He grumbles at me instead and rolls over.
> 
> I told him about it later because he could see in my eyes that I was sad today but we'll go to bed and nothing will happen this evening again. And I'm trying really hard not to feel rejected. I honestly wish I could take something, some sort of pill, to make me not interested in sex so I could just not care anymore.
> ...


Girl, after my divorce, I went almost insane as it came back to me full force after locking my drive down completely to cope. I no longer deal with anxiety, or insomnia and have stopped taking the meds I was taking to hold myself together. 

I've been divorced twice now, I didn't want to a second time and was prepared to live my life celibate for"love". Love yourself enough to make a hard decision now, and not 10 or 20 years from now when the best part of your life has passed you by.

It's hard to start over, hard to face the unknown, it's always "easier" to deal with the devil you know. If you don't have children (I can't remember if you said or not), just let him go. You will find love again and have sex again with someone who wants YOU.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Obviously it's not true, no women have high sex drive, they just like to pretend it's true.


This is not true.



> a woman who all intents and purposes was asexual (unless a movie star decides to drop into her bedroom want to be friends)


I think this is frequently true. I think more women than men choose to be in a relationship with someone they do not find particularly attractive. Which leads to the false conclusion that many / most women are asexual. They are not. They are simply unmoved by their current partner.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> It's hard to start over, hard to face the unknown, it's always "easier" to deal with the devil you know. If you don't have children (I can't remember if you said or not), just let him go. You will find love again and have sex again with someone who wants YOU.


We don't have kids together. 
Thankfully I don't believe he'd be a cheater like my rotten ex H.
Things might change for a few days but then it's back to the usual routine and I realize & have already known, you can't change anyone. 
I'm getting my career in order because I'm in the process of changing things up and I'm getting my ducks in order if things won't get better. I hope of course for him to snap out of this funk because I do love him but the loneliness at times is horrible. And once you've been married, and stayed knowing it wasn't going to get better but you tried anyways, you don't want to repeat history. 
I'd rather be lonely and single than lonely in bed next to a man.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Tobeknown said:


> We don't have kids together.
> Thankfully I don't believe he'd be a cheater like my rotten ex H.
> Things might change for a few days but then it's back to the usual routine and I realize & have already known, you can't change anyone.
> I'm getting my career in order because I'm in the process of changing things up and I'm getting my ducks in order if things won't get better. I hope of course for him to snap out of this funk because I do love him but the loneliness at times is horrible. And once you've been married, and stayed knowing it wasn't going to get better but you tried anyways, you don't want to repeat history.
> I'd rather be lonely and single than lonely in bed next to a man.


Hey Tobeknown, how have you been making out?


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## Skiguy31 (Oct 13, 2020)

I wouldn't say my wife had a high sex drive but she has a huge need to cum. I cannot keep up with her desire to orgasm but will give her sex whenever she wants. Because of that, she uses her hitachi daily. She's one of the few women I've been with that loves the toy on high. Usually gets herself off 7-8 times a day.


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