# I am sick of the iPhone



## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

I am looking for ways to talk to my wife about something that has been really bothering me lately.

Over the last few months, she has been spending more and more time on her iPhone. She spends her time online shopping, playing, watching shows. Prior to smartphones, we would have the discussions about how much time she spends online, and it sometimes got so bad that I actually disconnected our Internet to try to get her to pay more attention to her family.

Now with the iPhone and integrated data, I can't even do that. If I try to talk to her about it, she says I am overreacting. I was looking for an app that showed you how much time you spent doing each thing on the iPhone, but it doesn't exist unless you jailbreak the phone, and I am not comfortable doing that.

I am just frustrated and don't know what to do.

Thanks!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Talking rarely works. And you see trying to police her didn't work either. People do what they want to do and don't do what they don't want to do.

She wants to play and she doesn't want to spend time with her family.

That is your truth.

There are things you can do but they involve YOU changing your reactions and behavior because you can't change her. 

The only person you have control over is YOU.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Does she show other addictive or compulsive tendencies? I believe it becomes a compulsive behavior. The person doesn't want to admit they have a problem because of the small rush and escape they get from it.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

She does show other compulsive tendencies. I do know she uses it to escape from things she doesn't want to do. 

She doesn't see it as a problem though. I feel like the entire burden of providing for, and caring for the family is falling on me, while she escapes to her electronic world.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

whathappenedtome said:


> I feel like the entire burden of providing for, and caring for the family is falling on me, while she escapes to her electronic world.


This is your choice to provide, care while she escapes.

Why do you do this?


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

I do it because that's what I feel like I committed to do. Our children need it. I need it. Certain things must be done, and if nobody else will, I must. I just can't keep up with it...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

whathappenedtome said:


> I just can't keep up with it...


Then cut back. Doing too much only gives her reason to do nothing.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

You may be right. I just don't want the kids to suffer. They deserve better. The are great kids.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The kids are already suffering.

They don't have a mom.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

True. Not sure the answer is out there though. Just writing down my frustrations helps in its own way. Maybe that's what I get out of this.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I agree with you that neglecting the kids to make a point to your wife is not the answer. I think you need to confront her. Ideally, it would be best if you had some kind of "data" or info to show her just how much she uses it. But either way, I like starting by saying in a gentle firm voice, "Sit down. I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me fully, and not interrupt me until I'm done talking." (this is a technique I actually learned when my wife confronted me this way about a problem -- it worked very well and I wasn't defensive as a result). Then you calmly explain to her exactly what the problem is and why it's a problem, avoiding "attack" words as much as possible. It helps if you say things like "I am struggling because I am taking more than my share of the burden with our children's needs, and I need you to give me more help, and they need more attention from you."


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

By the way, is there any concrete way it has affected your kids? Have they ever mentioned it? It might help to be able to point to that. I'm not saying you should go interview your kids and put words in their mouths, but if they've complained about it on their own, that might help get her to see the light.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Does she have a job or is she a SAHM? Do you two have split chores or are they assigned? I guess what I am getting at is if it is her job to do x, y and z and she is not doing them, then you need be a little dominant about telling her she needs to get these things done. If it is her job to cook dinner and it is getting late, do you cook or do you tell her to put her phone away and feed her kids?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> The kids are already suffering.
> 
> They don't have a mom.


:iagree:

When one partner becomes text, FB, Chatroom game tied the only way to deal with it is reduce the amount of support you provide to cover their distraction. 

Youve aluded to a reason for her being distracted. Strat to dig as to what that is. If shes escaping her family then seek why. 
By the removing of support you are starting to put in place boundries. These then can be boxed off and she then will see that hours on the Iphone is now glaringly obvious. The children need a mother in the role as well. So it has to be (just like a child) play time when the chores are done. The chores include being a wife as well! Everything is acceptable in moderation.

If she does nt like the boundries look at who pays the bill for the phone. If she does not put in funds then the phone has to be changes for one with limited access and capability.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

whathappenedtome said:


> True. Not sure the answer is out there though. Just writing down my frustrations helps in its own way. Maybe that's what I get out of this.


Tam is good for this. Vent, talk and having people listen helps you clear your head so you can decide for yourself the best course of action.

Nothing needs to be done today.

Admitting you have a problem and reaching out for help is a huge first step.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

We have some split chores and some shared. Rather not say too much more about employment to keep it generic. She does work part time.

What usually happens if dinner is not ready, I either make something, or go get something.

I just don't feel right being more dominant with her about chores. We are supposed to be equals, and I am not her boss. 

When we talk about why things didn't or aren't getting done, there is always a reason that I can't argue with, without becoming the bad guy. My problem is that there is ALWAYS a reason, and I am getting to the point where I don't feel like there is really anything behind it.

It feels like she would just rather escape from life into the cyber world.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

whathappenedtome said:


> When we talk about why things didn't or aren't getting done, there is always a reason that I can't argue with, without becoming the bad guy. My problem is that there is ALWAYS a reason, and I am getting to the point where I don't feel like there is really anything behind it.


Of course there is, because she is in denial and being defensive. That's always how it is with such a person. I know, because I have those tendencies myself. However, I will say that my desire to make sure my daughter has a father who she feels gives her attention and loves her helps me overcome my compulsions to escape (which started long before I even met my wife and long before there were smartphones). If your wife does not feel so motivated, it may be that she needs a wake-up call.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Tam is good for this. Vent, talk and having people listen helps you clear your head so you can decide for yourself the best course of action.
> 
> Nothing needs to be done today.
> 
> Admitting you have a problem and reaching out for help is a huge first step.


I think this is the best response so far. Just talking through it helps more than about anything I can think of.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Talking it through is a good start, but it will not solve the problem. Your kids need your wife's attention and love. I think you are probably a little afraid of confronting her. I'm guessing that until now, you've mostly had little skirmishes here and there, you say "Why didn't you start dinner," she starts making excuses and getting defensive, you eventually back off. Or you say "do you have to be on that thing all the time?" And she says "What are you talking about? I'm not on it all the time! Why can't you get off my back!" And you back off. Right? But have you ever actually sat her down and looked her in the eye and really confronted her about the whole problem?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Nice guys who are caregivers aren't big on confrontations. They are about having a 'smooth life' which means stepping up and doing what needs to be done. This is VERY difficult thing to change.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

We have sat down and had the eye to eye talk. Not often, but a few times. If she doesn't see the problem, or agree that there is a problem, there isn't much I can do at that point.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

whathappenedtome said:


> If she doesn't see the problem, or agree that there is a problem, there isn't much I can do at that point.


This isn't true but it FEELS true.

Do you understand this?


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

I can see that difference. Better said, I might not be ready to do what I could do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

whathappenedtome said:


> I can see that difference. Better said, I might not be ready to do what I could do.


And that's okay most of us weren't when we first came here myself included. 

And if you never get ready that's okay too. 

These are not easy things to do.

If it were easy everyone would have a fabulous marriage. 

But seeing as it's not that's why TAM is here.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Maybe instead of keeping track of the usage, you can keep track of what she's not getting done. Do it for a week - keep a journal, then confront her with it. She's in denial, so you have to find a way to shake her out of it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

"Monday night, you said you were going to make dinner. You didn't. I did. Then you said you were going to give the kids their bath, but you spent 20 minutes writing facebook posts and it was getting too close to their bedtime so I had to do it. Then Tuesday night, you said you would get the groceries, but it got to be 8pm and you hadn't left yet and the store closes at 9pm, so I had to go." Etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whathappenedtome said:


> We have sat down and had the eye to eye talk. Not often, but a few times. If she doesn't see the problem, or agree that there is a problem, there isn't much I can do at that point.


You can ask her to move out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or ask her mom to come over and show her mom.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

John Lee said:


> "Monday night, you said you were going to make dinner. You didn't. I did. Then you said you were going to give the kids their bath, but you spent 20 minutes writing facebook posts and it was getting too close to their bedtime so I had to do it. Then Tuesday night, you said you would get the groceries, but it got to be 8pm and you hadn't left yet and the store closes at 9pm, so I had to go." Etc.


I have done this exactly once with my wife. It did not work. She believes that the time she spends online is critical to the success of the family. She's looking for deals, or planning for shopping, or doing any number of online activities. 

So the issue is finding a way to get her to see that the other tasks should be prioritized higher, as well as getting her to finally see that she's actually using her phone as an escape. She would absolutely disagree that she her use of the phone is a problem. To her, it's vital.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can't do anything with the truth AS THEY SEE IT.

This is why convincing and talking won't work.

She will find an excuse to rationalize doing what she wants to do.

There is a solution but this isn't it.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> You can ask her to move out.


I COULD do that, but I think that would cause severe emotional harm to the relationship. 

I realize she is frustrating me, but shouldn't I try to be better and not do something that I know would be devastating to her?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

whathappenedtome said:


> I COULD do that, but I think that would cause severe emotional harm to the relationship.
> 
> I realize she is frustrating me, but shouldn't I try to be better and not do something that I know would be devastating to her?


That depends on how bad the problem is for you and your kids.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Moving out is extreme.

No need to pull out the big guns if you haven't even tried anything beyond talking yet.

And you don't do ONE thing for oh 3 days and expect change. 

Nope it's in direct correlation to how long you've enabled the bad behavior.

People scream "change back" when you dare to set boundaries.

It's normal, predictable and not fun.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

whathappenedtome said:


> I have done this exactly once with my wife. It did not work. She believes that the time she spends online is critical to the success of the family. She's looking for deals, or planning for shopping, or doing any number of online activities.
> 
> So the issue is finding a way to get her to see that the other tasks should be prioritized higher, as well as getting her to finally see that she's actually using her phone as an escape. She would absolutely disagree that she her use of the phone is a problem. To her, it's vital.


But are you backing down every time she makes an excuse? You can say "No. Finding a good deal on a child winter coat is not as important as making sure your child is fed and bathed, and it can wait until after they go to bed. If you want to look for deals online, you have to limit that to a specific time of day. I'm not going to tolerate that excuse." She may really be "looking for deals", and it's still an addictive activity that becomes an escape and distraction and fills way more time than it needs to. Again, I know because I have been that person.

If none of this is working, then you may have to take things to the next level. Unless you're really ok living with it, in which case I advise you to learn to live with it and not come to the internet to "vent." If you're coming to vent, it means one of two things: (1) the problem is too bad to live with but you're avoiding confrontation, or (2) you can live with it but you don't want to face it


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I agree with John Lee. You said she doesn't feel as though the problem is actually a problem and talking hasn't done anything. Your wife needs a wake up call where she understands that you are fed up. Asking her to move out may be the only option she will understand. 

She feels the online activities are critical to your family success by saving money? Money is absolutely not everything and spending time that you cannot get back with your family is the real critical factor in a successful family. People save money, they get more money, they want more money, it's never enough. If she wants to save your family money, she can sell her iphone and not pay the ridiculous phone bill for that thing every month.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *staarz21 said: *If she wants to save your family money, she can sell her iphone and not pay the ridiculous phone bill for that thing every month.


Yep.

It's an excuse to hand you in order to continue doing what she's doing. Plain and simple.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Honey? Is that you?

I am always on my IPad. I desire escape, novelty, intense concentration on something as meaningless as rapidly matching colored shapes in a grid. I seek to avoid the problems in my life by immersing myself in message boards, games, blogs, and in fiction. It is problematic and I admit that.

Some days I manage well, other days I don't. I find it is easier to build on success than it is to build on the guilt of failure.

I find my attention span with family time is less than two hours and then I am exhausted and silently fight the draw of my IPad. On days after a terrible nights sleep, I am a chronic insomniac, the draw of my IPad is not something I can resist for more than a few minutes no matter what is happening in the home.

I have discussed this problem with my husband and have asked that he not ignore when I'm doing this, but to speak up and tell me, "put the damn IPad down!" He feels he shouldn't have to do this...me being a grown up and all. And he is right.

I wish I had some way for you to reach your wife because if she doesn't agree that it is a problem, THAT is the problem!

We know ignoring the problem doesn't work.
We know gentle persuasion and philosophical debate doesn't work.
We know that the spouse stepping up as the other steps out doesn't work.
We know managing the environment doesn't work.

What's left to try?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is a common problem everywhere. Men work too much. Men watch too much tv. Men take up oxygen on the sofa. Women with their phones, the internet and friends.

Distract, distract, distract.

The solution is to fix the problem as to WHY you are distracting.

What sucks in your life so bad that you think playing on the phone is a far superior thing to do?

I've addressed these issues in my life and when I did the lure of the internet decreased dramatically.


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## Boschman (Nov 4, 2013)

You need to do 1 of 2 things:

1. Get an iPhone spy stick & track her activities under the radar. You will soon find out what is really going on in her mind. 

2. Walk up to her, ask to see her phone & smash it with a hammer into a million pieces. Explain to her that if she wants to live in someone else's fantasy world then leave now & have at it. 

TRUST ME ON THIS. These damn things (along with FB) are the worst thing that ever happened to marriages. Just ask any counselor.
You need to have a discussion on BOUNDARIES. Man up & stop being a nice guy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Not all women who cling to their phones, Ipad's or computers are cheating.

Some are just wasting their lives away on coupon sites, surfing who knows what cause it's fun, pinning pretty pictures on pinterest and tam. 

Of course I wouldn't know anything about this. LOL


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whathappenedtome said:


> I COULD do that, but I think that would cause severe emotional harm to the relationship.
> 
> I realize she is frustrating me, but shouldn't I try to be better and not do something that I know would be devastating to her?


And what SHE is doing isn't devastating TO YOU AND HER KIDS?

Tell her you've had enough and you want a wife, not another child. Tell her to let you know when she's ready to give up the electronics and become part of this family again. Until then, y'all are moving on without her, as she is not contributing to the family and is actually HARMING it.

Look, NICE doesn't make her change. Don't you see that? She DOES this because you are nice and unwilling to stand up for yourself. Why not become a deadbeat mom, if the dad is picking up all the slack?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Not all women who cling to their phones, Ipad's or computers are cheating.
> 
> Some are just wasting their lives away on coupon sites, surfing who knows what cause it's fun, pinning pretty pictures on pinterest and tam.
> 
> Of course I wouldn't know anything about this. LOL


Or playing Solitaire. The bain of my husband's existence, once I discovered it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

My mom was a chronic distracter/escaper way before there was such a thing as an iphone, and one of her favorite things was solitaire -- the kind with actual cards.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> The solution is to fix the problem as to WHY you are distracting.
> 
> What sucks in your life so bad that you think playing on the phone is a far superior thing to do?


This is the other side of what is troublesome about the situation. It causes me to question myself, and why I am not enough.

You are correct. If everything was completely fine, nobody would need to distract. It is just very painful trying to find the true reasons behind it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read HNHN and see if you are working your marriage properly. And whether SHE is.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

whathappenedtome said:


> This is the other side of what is troublesome about the situation. It causes me to question myself, and why I am not enough.
> 
> You are correct. If everything was completely fine, nobody would need to distract. It is just very painful trying to find the true reasons behind it.


I don't completely agree with this. Or rather, something may be "wrong" that causes a need to distract, but the problem may be something inside her rather than your marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I agree with John Lee. Your wife is responsible for her own happiness OP.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Add me to the list. Your wife's happiness is her responsibility. 

The majority of why I distracted had nothing to do with my husband. 

The problem was me.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

Probably true, but it's still easy to fall into the pit of thinking it's you. I have a few things to consider. We will see how tonight goes....

Thanks for all the advice. It really does help.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

Don't let her see HayDay, you'll never get her away from it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> This is a common problem everywhere. Men work too much. Men watch too much tv. Men take up oxygen on the sofa. Women with their phones, the internet and friends.
> 
> Distract, distract, distract.
> 
> ...


This was very painful to read.


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