# Sexual Lackluster



## hahanowohoh (Jul 28, 2012)

First off, I'm brand new at these married forums. This is my last option for advice. If anyone cares to listen, this is my story:

I've been a wife to my spouse for three years. We have a two year old and another baby on the way, in just two months. My spouse and I knew each other for two years prior to us dating. (I was dating someone when we met two years ago.) My husband and I grew up in a different type of parenting, I guess you could say. He'd be a marijuana smoker daily if he could. He does quite often. I do not part take in any drugs. Marijuana seems like his fix to everything. We've discussed this a lot but it always leads to arguments. He works a lot of hours and makes double the money that I bring in, but he continues to buy it to where it has a financial struggle for our family. That part is very frustrating for me. We both have been getting better about this.

My main issue is our sex life. There really isn't much there. Yes we have a two year old. She goes to bed before 10pm most nights. I am also seven months pregnant, and I have asked him if he is not attracted to me because I am pregnant, and he says that's not why, he just don't care for sex. I don't think this is true. For the pass three years I have caught him masturbating in front of the computer with porn or even going so far as signing up for other 'discreet relationships' online. (I did confront him about this and discussed why he was signing up for online relationships. He blamed a one night of cocaine on this) Is there an intimacy issue for him? (Am I incredibly stupid?) I'm not a jealous person but I feel like I'm getting there. I looked at his facebook messages recently and there wasn't anything horrible between him and another woman, but it was a stripper that he happened to sleep with before we dated. There were two conversations and the second was about her having a non-sexual dream with my husband in it. There was a bit of flirtation there on both parts. (my husband stating, "i could have a thing for short-haired dancers") (Should I message this woman to not talk to my husband?) Is this a sign that he's unhappy with our relationship. Maybe he's not wanting a husband role. He's 32 and I'm 25. We have sex maybe once every two weeks, at best. I have gone to the point of sex toys to satisfy some of my desire. Also, when we do have sex, I have to ask him to touch me. He will only kiss and look/touch my breast. There is no foreplay on his part. He wants foreplay from me, but no return. We have been married for three years and he has foreplay for me twice, maybe. (Only when he was drink or high) I am at a last resort to figure out if I should stay in a non-sexually desired relationship.There might be other things that I have left out, but that is the basics so far. Thank you.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Hi, yes seems to me that the smoking and financial irresponsibility is bad and that part needs to be addressed.

at 7 months its not very abmormal for the guy to not want to have intercourse since there are so many things the guy thinks making love to a pregnant wife.... but to ease your pregnancy esp if you want it he can be more accomodating if he can.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Sounds like you have a lot of things going on. As far as the first issue you mentioned, some people drink beer every night, others choose to smoke, I don't judge. Not a smoker myself, but you knew he smoked and married him, you can't expect that to change now... 
ON the sex issue, that is BIG, you can change that, you can talk to him and tell him it is a major need and you did not sign up for a lackluster sexual marriage, especially while holding down the fort at home. I would directly ask him if he wants out of the relationship, tell him you will not be hurt, that you just want an honest answer. I have seen people use this approach to get the truth they were seeking, just be prepared for the truth should it go in a way you do not want. In addition, I would ask him to make time each night, and I would start putting the two year old to bed earlier, 10pm is in my humble opinion (I have two kids) too late for her, it takes away from your time as a couple, she should be in bed by about 8 or 9. She may get up earlier, but it gives you more time together just the two of you. ALso make sure you are still doing other things together as a couple, fun things like when you were dating, are there things he likes to do that you used to do with him... I'm sure if you think you could find something. When was the last time you had a date night? NO kids, with a sitter, out, or even in, something romantic, you may initially need to set this up yourself. I would also address the porn issue and let him know that is contributing to the downfall of your sexual relationship together, why would he use his hand when he has the real thing. Ask questions and get the answers.


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## hahanowohoh (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm not totally "you-have-to-do-without" weed. I was for a while, but it's more of a priority for him than taking care of his family or spending time with us. This is my second pregnancy and I don't have any complications. He said that it's not the pregnancy that has him turned off.

I've discussed the sex issue, but not to an extreme before. He blames his pot use or pass drug use to why he's not so sexually active. He at least masturbates to porn or photos of other women twice a week on average. The nights he get to bed later than me, there's evidence of him masturbating. I used to put my daughter down by 8-9pm. That still didn't help. I would tell him, "Our daughter is sleeping, let have sex." He'd either be sitting in the living room or maybe he is tired, and will just say, "I'm not in the mood." "I'm really tired. I worked all day." I work as well as he does. I put in 40 hours a week plus making sure our daughter is taken care of. He works 40+ hours a week. I'm sure we are both tired from work and other things, but I don't see him being tired, worked all day, or just not in the mood when he can just as easy go in the living room and masturbate. 

We have been going out. My mom lives with in thirty minutes from us and she loves watching her grandbaby. Almost every weekend we go out together one night and see a movie or have dinner, just the two of us. Sit together and have ice cream at the shop or just stay in at home and watch a movie together. We even went out and bowled with a group of married/with kids folks. We'll get back to the house without the baby and I'll bring up having sex. He has still turned this down. Their have also been a few times where we do have sex, and the next day or later on that evening he masturbates. I have done almost all that I could to make time for us to have sex together, it's also frustrating when we do, it's as if he puts no effort into pleasing my needs in the bedroom. I don't orgasm 90% of the time. That may seem high but he gets his first before even making sure I'm satisfied. Does he know that it takes more than just a penis to make a girl happy? I have mentioned this...before we dated he had a couple random women he would sleep with. They kept coming back, he was doing something right... 

I'm really fed up with i-don't-have-a-sex-drive attitude when he masturbates frequently to other women through a tv/computer screen. Also, I'm tired. If your hand can do it, you can do it. I do plan on talking about this to him today... 

Thank you for replying. It does help to talk about it.


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