# Divorce and Suicide



## AppleDucklings

My Boss at work received a phone call today. Her 33 year old Godson committed suicide. His wife had divorced him. He did not want the divorce, and he was so distraught he took his own life. I feel so sad for his family, and for him too, that he could not find the strength in himself to go on. I don't know any other details other than that, but it made me wonder...Did any of you ever try to commit suicide? I think we all having passing thoughts of doing it, but has anyone ever actually tried? Or do you know anyone who did kill themselves because of a divorce or unfaithful souse?


----------



## Jellybeans

Didn't try but certain thought about it. My ex said he thought about the same.

They say the chances someone will attempt suicide are sky high when someone is going through a divorce. Makes sense.

Sorry to hear your awful story. That is so sad


----------



## StGeorge

Never tried. Thought about it a few times. 

I think it was when I thought about it, and it didn't bother me, that I needed to find a way out of what I was doing.

Sorry to hear about your post. It really doesn't solve anything in the end, just creates more problems for the people who are left behind.


----------



## crossbar

Ouch...that hurts...sorry to hear it.

Sorry, but no woman or man is worth ending your life over.


----------



## Houstondad

That's one thing that concerns me regarding my wife who left our family. I'm certain she is still battling depression with ineffective meeds and a mediocre psychiatrist who resides in a different state than my wife. When she gets the divorce papers it's gonna hit her hard.


----------



## pidge70

I have attempted suicide 12 times since I was 14. First time was after I was raped. Last time was last Oct. Been hospitalized 4 times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson

It wasn't a divorce, but following a breakup from a gf that I was prepared to propose to. For many many months after our split, I tried to patch things up. Finally sent her a card asking her to call me so we could talk; if I didn't hear from her by a certain date/time, I'd planned to not wake up the next morning. Right before that deadline, my phone rang. It wasn't her...it was a good friend I hadn't heard from in ages, who had no way of knowing what was on my mind right then. We talked...I told my story...I got good advice. And, when we hung up, I realized something...the girl I was pining for had effectively let me die. It was the splash of cold water in the face that I needed to move beyond her. But, had it not been for that timely phone call, I wouldn't have made that realization, because I wouldn't have been around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## onthefence16

I have thought about it also...plently in the last month....due to my H's EA/PA of 9 months....going to counceling tomorrow...taking meds now to keep me calm and sometimes that doesn't even help.....I know it's not because of my H I wanted to just go to sleep...but just to end the pain I was and am feeling.....apparently I choose to live and go pay out the butt for help rather than just pass away silently in the night like I had thought about.....if there is anyone out there that feels like doing it...STOP....THINK...AND GET HELP....SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER...THE OTHER PERSON WILL NOT CARE...BECAUSE IF YOU ARE READING THS YOU ALREADY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIES, DECIEVES,CHEATS DOESN'T CARE ANYWAY.....NO ONE IS WORTH TAKING YOUR OWN LIFE...although you may feel like ending it today you will wake up tomorrow and be glad you didn't.....there is help out there...keep looking and you will find it


----------



## that_girl

We both thought about it. Hubs said he just wanted to pull the e-brake while on the freeway and swerve into a wall 

I didn't really think about it...I have kids to support. however, I did think about running away and just disappearing.


----------



## Rob_G

Good day,

I have to say one night I had come very close to committing suicide. This occurred not to long after my wife left me for a man she was having an EM and possibly PA with. I was drinking alone and very depressed (no, I do not have a drinking problem), and it was just me and the dog. I had convinced myself that I was going to do it that night, however being the type of person I was I had to plan it all out. So I grabbed some rope, drilled a hole in one of the beams in the basement, tied a noose and was all set. The thing that halted the entire process was when I looked at my dog. I realized if I am not found for several days, what would happen to my dog? I tried to think of a way that she would be fed and have enough water to drink in case I was there for a per-longed period of time. As I continued to drink and figure out the best way to ensure my dogs safety, The next thing I know I woke up on the couch. I had passed out.

I realized that being this depressed and drinking are simply not a good combination and it scared the crap out of me to think how close I was at ending my own life. 

Just a quick 2 cents, people who say those who commit suicide are weak and selfish etc. What you may not understand is that Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. It does not mean you are weak, selfish or even really want to die. It just means you are well past your ability to cope. It would be as if I asked you to lift a box, then I started putting weights inside. Eventually you will not be able to hold the box and be forced to drop it. This is what happens when the weight of our pain overcomes our ability to deal with it.

Just some food for thought. There is a great article I suggest everyone should read about suicide. It certainly is an eye opener and may just help save your life if you are one of the unfortunate people facing such insurmountable pain. 

Suicide Read this First

All the best,
Rob


----------



## lordmayhem

I know a guy in our circle of friends that got divorced, his ex wife remarried, and he never recovered. It took a few years, but he ended up shooting himself in the head last winter. He lived alone with his two dogs, and it was days before they discovered his body. By then, his two little dogs, out of starvation, fed on his body. It was in the news.


----------



## golfergirl

My brother's first wife committed suicide in midst of their divorce. Married 11 years - no children. Really effed all of us up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

hate to admit but I've been giving it serious thought. Even though I sometimes have bouts of depression, that is not the motivating factor. Even though I feel deeply rejected by my cheating W who left, that is not the reason either. It's just simply I've spent 35 years always feeling like there is no point, always feeling like I am not really going to accomplish anything worth sticking around for, and I really don't want to toil away for another 35 years of just surviving. I realize it probably is rooted in my "niceguyness" of expecting others to meet my needs by being kind, gracious and not stepping on people's toes, but I've unsuccesfully been trying to change that for the better part of the past two decades to no avail. Sure there have been moments that I was glad I was alive to experience them, sure I recognize that I can bring something to others, but experience is telling me I will just continue to go on feeling unfulfilled the rest of my days. Of course, now I have committments, and feel huge responsibility to my son, and of course other family members who I'd just simply be afraid to hurt too much if I took my life, but is that really a good enough reason to go on, guilt? Doesn't matter either way because I simply don't have enough confidence in my own memory of events in my life to be certain enough that taking my own life would be the better option. If I had more trust that my lifetime of memories of dreariness and pointlessness with the occasional sprinkle of fun was accurate I don't think I'd have much more hesitation. And don't tell me that suicide is the easy way out because that just makes it sound more appealing. I do know if I went ahead for that I'd be sure to cover my bases and make sure to minimize the traumatic affect on my loved ones, and would let them know it was not caused by my divorce, or any particular failure, just a general sense of unfulfillment and realization that it will never get any better. But alas I doubt my own will enough that I will just continue on my lonely unsatisfying life until it ends from natural or unforeseen causes. In the meantime I will continue to get as much enjoyment out of each day as I can muster, will try to instill opportunity and a positive outlook in my son and go on being underutilized and underappreciated unless I happen (whatever the random chance may be) to be able to find the key to getting over whatever hangups I've been carrying around all this time.


----------



## Oregon38

I'm not proud to confess that I've had 4 close attempts in the last year but I am proud to say that I survived those horrible moments in my life.

It is very easy to say for somebody that suicide is not the answer to problems, which is true, but I can definitely understand when a person gets to that point where there is a "blue screen" and the system wants to shut down to prevent any further damage. 

For me it was the depression over a long peroid of time caused by emotional abuse by my ex-wife, all the lies, gaslighting in front of my daughter, betrayal, loss of peace of mind, loss of hope and future, the pain and hurt, destroyed self-esteem and 2 affairs by my ex-wife that got me to that point.

Thinking back now, I realise that it probably had to happen. It was almost like a reality check, showing me that I couldn't count on the person I trusted the most, the person I devoted my life to. I was willing to pay the ultimate price just to end the pain and suffering. 

Would I have been the winner? No. But I am now because I'm still here. Something she did not expect. I will come out of this much stronger in the long run. Since this toxic relationship has ended in April I'm getting stronger every day, my new life has begun.

People who think about suicide and/or act on it are not weak in their character. It can happen to anybody, all it takes are the right circumstances and the lights go out. It is a wake up call, calling for change, and that change is called "live". The pain will pass and will make you a stronger person. Still better to suffer for a while and experience the positive changes in the long run than the quick fix and never having the chance to get better.

We will all make it. Time is on our side. No matter what brought you all here on this forum, we all share the suffering of the ultimate pain. Dealing with this makes us stronger than anybody else. We are already all winners, we just don't know it yet.


----------



## Jellybeans

golfergirl said:


> My brother's first wife committed suicide in midst of their divorce. Married 11 years - no children. Really effed all of us up.


Wow. How awful


----------



## jessi

I think this is a very sad topic but I think a lot of us over our lives for some reason might have thought it would be easier if it just was our time, especially when you live through a very painful thing that maybe wasn't even a choice we made for ourselves....

We have been raised to believe to never give up on ourselves but somedays it does become to much for some people and that is sad.........

Nothing or no one is worth our own lives..........


----------



## hurthusb

I'm 2 months from D-Day. My wife continues the affair, wants me to live with her with no intimacy of any kind for the children while she spends time with the man she loves.

The anti-depressants have finally started working. Good thig, too. Because I was very close to taking my own life 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks.

I just found a letter last night written by the OM to my wife 2 months before I knew about the affair. It turns out the marriage counseling we were in at the time was a sham - it was intended to convince me to separate so she could then "meet" him.

If it weren't for the Citalopram running through my bloodstream, I probably would have killed myself last night. I keep hoping a heart attack will kill me from the stress I'm feeling.


----------



## that_girl

hurthusb said:


> I'm 2 months from D-Day. My wife continues the affair, wants me to live with her with no intimacy of any kind for the children while she spends time with the man she loves.


That is one cold betch.



I'm sorry, but man up and tell her what YOU want. Why does she get to call the shots?


----------



## Shooboomafoo

Ive thought about it, but dont believe I could ever. Plenty of inconsequencial attempts at doing something with my life and failing, living with so many things seemingly hanging by a thread, creating a domino effect of disaster if one thing fails.
Now that I am divorced, Ive thought about it again. But my daughter needs me, and I need her, the family I have loves me, and theres people out there that care about me, whom I cherish as close personal friends. 
I really dont know if I am actually any "stronger" per se, as the old saying goes, but I know that is not something I want to do to myself.


----------



## F-102

I considered it after a bad breakup many years ago, but I told myself that i would bounce back from this, and that I would bounce back HARD.

And, lo and behold, I was right!


----------



## Runs like Dog

I don't know. I might be tempted to have some over the top insane fun with that. Like demanding to go on her dates with her and him, invite him over, challenge him to a duel, that sort of thing.


----------



## abhorrentme

I'll find out tonight what I'll do.


----------



## Runs like Dog

I couple I knew divorced a few years ago. Theft, embezzlement, cruelty, some inappropriate child issues, etc etc. Well long story boring, she got the kids, moved out to her parents where she will happily never work another day in her life and will inherit the home when her parents die. Her parents and she, are all hoarders. Her ex husband lived with his mom never got past any of this and mysteriously died recently. He had some major health issues so it could have been that but no ones' talking so it's likely a suicide. Pity for the kids. The oldest was furious at her dad but still...

Anyway the point is, divorce doesn't lead to suicide but having a life in the toilet generally leads to divorce and suicide.


----------



## ing

hurthusb said:


> I'm 2 months from D-Day. My wife continues the affair, wants me to live with her with no intimacy of any kind for the children while she spends time with the man she loves.
> 
> The anti-depressants have finally started working. Good thig, too. Because I was very close to taking my own life 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks.
> 
> I just found a letter last night written by the OM to my wife 2 months before I knew about the affair. It turns out the marriage counseling we were in at the time was a sham - it was intended to convince me to separate so she could then "meet" him.
> 
> If it weren't for the Citalopram running through my bloodstream, I probably would have killed myself last night. I keep hoping a heart attack will kill me from the stress I'm feeling.


Oh man..
This is almost exactly what I got hit with. I threw her out which removed the pain somewhat. Her affair has now gone on for 7 months. She has done some truly bizarre things. This sounds horribly familiar.. 

I stood on a bridge. Only the thought of my kids stopped me jumping. I just wanted the pain to end.


----------



## Lostouthere

I have a close friend whos brother commited suicide in the driveway in front of him and his father stbx and kid. 

Im not going to say I havent thought about it shoot still think about it. Right now it doesnt seem worth it guess we will see what tomorrow feels like.


----------



## voivod

Wow, great/horrible thread! Have I thought about it? Hell yes. Have I attempted it? You tell me. For years I drank. To excess. And then, I'd drive, from the bar or whatever. I remember one time drinking my a$$ off. Several shots of 100 proof liquor, then, while still at the bar, saying out loud to whoever would listen, "boy, I better hit the road before this $hit kicks in." Then next thing 
I remember is sitting in my truck in my driveway, crying my eyes out, praying that I could find a way to stop drinking and knowing I couldn't. And knowing that I was destroying my life and my family. The worst feeling was waking up the next day after one of these jags, still alive and hating myself. I was a pu$$y, trying to kill myself with booze or with my car or truck or motorcycle (?!). Yep, I'd ride that way sometimes. But I never had the guts to actually attempt suicide. I always wanted it to be "accidental".

As I sit here typing my reply to this thread, I get the feeling that suicide would've been easier than the crap I go through today (my family has been torn apart by divorce, go figure). Having said that, I love life today as much as I hate it. I am an enigma, one who has craved death as a final solution, and one who cherishes it more than you know. They've called me a survivor (stroke) for 3 1/2 years. And I HATE that I've survived. But I have. And I'm here to make something out of it. As much as it sucks.

Never had the guts to actually load the gun and pull the trigger. Because I love my mom and sister and children and ex-wife. Much more than I love myself, I guess.


----------



## My name

My husband committed suicide this year shortly after we separated. I am only very young in comparison to what you are probably imagining when reading this (I'm in my 20s).

When an ex chooses to commit suicide they leave a widow with a whole load of strangers' opinions and judgements. However those people were not in that marriage and to summarise - the effect of a suicide after separation but prior to divorce is one of the biggest battles you'd ever face.

However, if it was similar to my story, the marriage fully prepares you for that battle as in essence it is emotional abuse from the spouse committing suicide, and the spouse who is widowed will have been burderned with that already for many years and actually will come out of it better off in the end as it can't get any worse from that. So if you do it to try and hurt your ex - don't bother because it only hurts them in the short term. And if you do it to end your suffering, it doesn't, get counselling life is beautiful and precious. Just do something crazy, like volunteer with chimpanzees, to wake up and move on!


----------



## HerToo

I've thought about it before my affair. So it's natural (for me) to think of it after being caught. Since them, I still have the feelings at times, like this morning on the drive in to work. I just felt like I wanted to get out of my car and walk in front of a semi truck that was coming down the road. But I know the pain I have caused will not go away with suicide. It would be "Idiot - Part 2".


----------



## theheartbrokendead

The love of my life abandoned his family. He left us to rot. No answers, complete lack of concern. Going to live in my car. Have to send my six year old to live with her father. He shows no concern for anyone but himself. This man was my soulmate. I cannot live without him. I wish I wasnt such a coward. I wish i had the guts to do it.


----------



## Labcoat

After DDay, I was on the fake-it-until-you-make-it plan, forcing myself to do fun things when I just wanted to stay home and rot. I remember going out with some co-workers, being usually quite and basically waiting for the beer to kick in. I looked at a tall building opposite and began thinking of what it might feel like to jump out of the 10th story building... I mean really thinking about it.

A couple of days later, I told my xWF about this and she replied, "Well you should get some help then, that's not MY fault." A couple of month later after HB and deciding that reconciliation was not for me, I asked her if she remembered that conversation. She said she didn't.

I will NEVER forget that.


----------



## DavidWYoung

I put a full loaded M-16 under my chin after my Air Force wife told her Army husband (Me) that she wanted a divorce during my one and only Christmas phone call during the first Gulf War. That was not the Christmas present that I was looking for!
I had my finger on the trigger and was pushing down when something in my head said NO! YOU WILL BE DISHONORING YOUR FATHER, YOUR MEN AND YOURSELF!
Twenty five years later, I still think about the divorce and why she was such a wh&re after we got married. My only answer is that she was broken and I just loved her too much. Just my little story.


----------



## SaltInWound

My dentist killed himself because of his wife divorcing him. He had it planned so far in advance that he made notes in all of his patients records of things they would need to have done, so his replacement would know what to do. Very sad.

There are many days that the concrete wall along the interstate looks inviting.


----------



## soulpotato

In my case it's separation, not divorce, but I've definitely deeply contemplated suicide since, and have also self-harmed. It's never very far from my thoughts, but I try to fight against it because I know that she'd be hurt if I did it. It's tough to cope with, looking at all the damage I caused to her and our relationship, and looking at myself and seeing how ****ed up I am. Sometimes it seems like it would be a good deed if I took myself out of the world.


----------



## staystrong

I was in a very dark place several times and I know medication helped with that. If you are thinking about suicide, at least try anti-depressants to see if they help.


----------



## daisygirl 41

While my H and I were separated at the beginning of last year I had a particularly bad night and I got up in the morning and for the first time ever contemplated just ending it all.
I just can't explain the pure sadness and darkness I was feeling. Only once did I ever feel like that, luckily I had a guardian angel here on TAM that morning who literally saved me from spiralling even further downwards. I will be forever greatful to him. That was my lowest point, I think we all have to hit rock bottom before we can start climbing back up again. It was a turning point for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill

I'd never give someone that much power over me. I have a theory that when people become suicidal over affairs, it's likely that have had pretty easy lives. I have not. So, when it happened to me I had built up a lot of inner strength. It was not by choice. I would not have survived my childhood without. 

When DDay came, I knew my self worth and strength would carry me through. I had many horrors to compare the affair with, and frankly it paled in comparison.

The reason so many teens commit suicide is they have no reference point to compare their pain with. This comes in time.

The good news is you are still standing, and you are a lot more prepared for the rest of your life's hardships.


----------



## soulpotato

illwill said:


> I'd never give someone that much power over me. I have a theory that when people become suicidal over affairs, it's likely that have had pretty easy lives. I have not. So, when it happened to me I had built up a lot of inner strength. It was not by choice. I would not have survived my childhood without.


There's no need to minimize the experiences of others because you've had a bad life. And it's not that simple. You're also making a huge assumption about the lives and feelings of other people; your theory is incorrect. Personally, I've had a very difficult life, too, and while it has given me strength in some ways, it has crippled me in others. But I wouldn't have made it through my own childhood if I hadn't been a fighter. Being suicidal and being strong actually don't have much to do with each other.

I'm sure other people on here feel the same way. My GF was my bright spot, the only really good thing that ever happened to me in my life. And I blew it. She's most important to me, so that eclipses anything else that has happened to me, no matter how bad. And I've got a lot of bad to choose from.



> When DDay came, I knew my self worth and strength would carry me through. I had many horrors to compare the affair with, and frankly it paled in comparison.


For YOU. For some people, even if they may have experienced horrific things, the destruction of their relationship with the person they love the most in the world would always be the worst thing, no matter what they had to compare it to. It depends on the person.



> The reason so many teens commit suicide is they have no reference point to compare their pain with. This comes in time.


I suppose that could be the case sometimes, but not generally. I have to disagree. You're making a lot of assumptions and generalizations about other people.


----------



## illwill

I don't post about things unless I have knowledge of it. I did community service at a non profit suicide hotline in SF for 3 months and it is about weakness and fear and selfishness. You can call it something else. Dress it up. Put some sugar on it. Call it what you want. That's what I was told when the counselors interviewed and trained me. And that is what I learned spending sometimes hours on the phone with these people. Our job was to get people to overcome their fear and weakness and deal with the issues in their lives.

My theory may be wrong but it's closer to the truth then yours. Mine are based on some 300 phone calls with troubled souls. A strong person finds strength within themselves that do not depend on the approval of others. A difficult childhood (or past) either gives you that strength or breaks you. 

And for the record NO ONE should ever mean more to you then yourself. PERIOD! Not your girlfriend or your wife. By the way you say you did not pull the trigger because you did not want to dishonor your family and men, right? Why would they be dishonored if suicide is not a act of fear and weakness?

I think people who did this are having a moment of weakness, and maybe like you it passes. That's what I usually saw when I was working with the hotline. A moment of weakness where many pass through and end up stronger afterwards.

And let's keep it civil unless you want to PM me.


----------



## soulpotato

On second thought, Ill, there's no point in us continuing our conversation, so I'm dropping it. No disrespect intended, but we both obviously feel strongly about our stances on this subject. See you around the forum. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41

illwill said:


> I don't post about things unless I have knowledge of it. I did community service at a non profit suicide hotline in SF for 3 months and it is about weakness and fear and selfishness. You can call it something else. Dress it up. Put some sugar on it. Call it what you want. That's what I was told when the counselors interviewed and trained me. And that is what I learned spending sometimes hours on the phone with these people. Our job was to get people to overcome their fear and weakness and deal with the issues in their lives.
> 
> My theory may be wrong but it's closer to the truth then yours. Mine are based on some 300 phone calls with troubled souls. A strong person finds strength within themselves that do not depend on the approval of others. A difficult childhood (or past) either gives you that strength or breaks you.
> A
> And for the record NO ONE should ever mean more to you then yourself. PERIOD! Not your girlfriend or your wife. By the way you say you did not pull the trigger because you did not want to dishonor your family and men, right? Why would they be dishonored if suicide is not a act of fear and weakness?
> 
> I think people who did this are having a moment of weakness, and maybe like you it passes. That's what I usually saw when I was working with the hotline. A moment of weakness where many pass through and end up stronger afterwards.
> 
> And let's keep it civil unless you want to PM me.


This is what happened to me. I had a pure soul crushing moment of weakness where I thought life was just too painful to carry on, seeking help was the best thing I could have done, and you are right, I became stronger because of it. I was so consumed in my own pain that I needed to be dragged out of it to realise that my life was not defined by my Hs A.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill

Being overwhelmed by something larger then yourself and wanting to commit suicide means you are having a moment of weakness, which everyone has. I'm not saying you were weak before or that you are still weak. But at that time...

What would you call if you commit or attempt suicide over something most people would not. Everyone has a breaking point, but if yours comes sooner then most, then you are not as strong as the others AT THAT TIME.

And it's not my opinion it's fact because I worked at a hotline. 300 clients no longer make it a theory. It's a theory if I never worked there. What you are saying is theory, because you are basing it on your own beliefs and nothing else.


----------



## illwill

daisygirl 41 said:


> this is what happened to me. I had a pure soul crushing moment of weakness where i thought life was just too painful to carry on, seeking help was the best thing i could have done, and you are right, i became stronger because of it. I was so consumed in my own pain that i needed to be dragged out of it to realise that my life was not defined by my hs a.
> _posted via mobile device_


thank you.


----------



## illwill

soulpotato said:


> On second thought, Ill, there's no point in us continuing our conversation, so I'm dropping it. No disrespect intended, but we both obviously feel strongly about our stances on this subject. See you around the forum.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


U2


----------



## illwill

We will have to agree to disagree.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Many months ago I am ashamed to say I had some thoughts, but then I figured out I was wishing the wrong person dead.




hurthusb said:


> I'm 2 months from D-Day. My wife continues the affair, wants me to live with her with no intimacy of any kind for the children while she spends time with the man she loves.


I can clearly relate to you. ATM and for the last 3 months my wife has had an apartment with her OM that she goes to every day then comes home to sleep on the couch. She only takes one of my 2 sons there because the oldest does not want to go there. While my youngest plays Xbox she will go into the bed room on occasions and have sex with the OM. 
How do I know ? My youngest tells the oldest.

After 19 years this is what my marriage and STBXW has come relegated herself to. I have learned the hard way never to underestimate anyone else ever again


----------



## LostViking

Ressurecting the Zombie again. 

I have a childhood friend who lives in Sweden who attempted suicide by hanging himself on a tree limb in the forest, after he found out his wife of three years was cheating on him. 

Luckily the limb he had strapped the rope to was rotten, and before he had completely choked to death the limb broke and he fell unconscious to the ground... seriously injured but alive. His shocked WW woke up from her fog, dumped the OM and spent the next six months helping him with his recovery. 

The lack of oxygen to his brain caused severe temporary amnesia and some speech issues; but he eventually recovered his memory and learned to talk again, and when he finally remembered what she had done to him, he kicked her out and divorced her despite her remorse and demonstrated desire to reconcile.

Funny how that worked out.


----------



## Hortensia

When my cheating, on and off long time boyfriend dumped me again for a new squeeze, I felt like my life has ended. Cried to exhaustion for 14 hours, then proceeded to the drawer where my mom kept her sleeping pills. Swallowed them all - the bottle was more than half full. To my dismay, I woke up 5 hours later - in so hyper state I was, that the pills did not work !

Because of a complete giving away of myself and the deep way I love, I often felt that a relationship was my whole life.

During a few months separation from my current spouse, after many unsuccessful attempts to get back together, the suicide thought stroke again. But I was too scared to do anything painful, and I lost faith in sleeping pills. 
So, I looked online for "how to attract your own death through the power of thought." And that was the turning point. Yes, you CAN attract your own death and ANYTHING else with the power of thought. But if you can bring anything upon yourself, then why to choose death? I discovered a completely new way of thinking, altogether with the realization to how I reached to that point of utter despair.

Weeks into reading on the subject, and putting myself together, my loved one returned. Our relationship is better, stronger, and happier than ever. And while I still love him more than life, I can live without him. I don't want to, and do my best to keep him around, but I can survive. I now do realize that giving away all of our power to someone else is a bad idea; that you cannot place the responsability of making you happy on your spouse, because only you can choose to feel happy. 
Knowing what I do now, I will never fall that deep again.


----------



## jupiter13

Wow a serious thread. I had been suicidal prior to marriage. Completely planned and I had even convinced myself that God wouldn't know either. It was going to be simple. New house Bar across the street, on the other side of railroad tracks. Who would know the difference just another drunk that got hit by the train. Didn't happen got arrested drunk in public and that ended that. The thoughts have always been there. Then the last thing I ever thought would happen did. I fell in love and opened my heart to new possibilities and I married him. Several times in the past when I was feeling this way I had a ritual of laying my loaded gun on the table along with a bottle of Tequila grab a pen and paper and start writing. If I could finish the bottle and still pull the trigger so be it I had yet been able to finish that bottle so that was my deal. Since D-Day I still feel like life has very little meaning I haven't many years left but what is important are all these beady little eyes that look to me each day for food shelter and care. I love them more than life and their happiness is most important to me. Many are not adoptable as they have seen too much abuse in their lives also so we stay strong together. Watching them heal, some will never completely heal as I will never be completely healed from the abuse but we are learning to live with it. We will still flinch if someone raises their hands a certain way, cower when a voice becomes too loud and jump at certain sounds.


----------



## Stronger-now

illwill said:


> I'd never give someone that much power over me. I have a theory that when people become suicidal over affairs, it's likely that have had pretty easy lives. I have not. So, when it happened to me I had built up a lot of inner strength. It was not by choice. I would not have survived my childhood without.
> 
> When DDay came, I knew my self worth and strength would carry me through. I had many horrors to compare the affair with, and frankly it paled in comparison.
> 
> The reason so many teens commit suicide is they have no reference point to compare their pain with. This comes in time.
> 
> The good news is you are still standing, and you are a lot more prepared for the rest of your life's hardships.


I like your post and agree 100%. 

I had an easy childhood, straight A student, an accomplished dancer, double postgraduate degrees, etc. I hardly ever failed in anything. Then, I married wrong. The biggest mistake of my life. When I first found out he cheated, the pain was indescribable. It was nothing like I had ever felt before. 

I am a positive person at heart, so I never contemplate suicide. But I remember laying in bed crying, wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning. That was the lowest point of my life.

As my handle suggests, I am stronger now, wiser from that experience. My STBXH is a serial cheater, a typical narcissist sociopath. The pain lessens with every Dday, with every psychological abuse he heaped on me. Now it doesn't affect me like it used to. Even better, because I finally find peace after I blocked him from ever contacting me. One thing I learned from his first affair, no matter how bad it is...it will pass. I WILL pick myself up again and again. 

I won't let the nightmare I have been in for so many years change who I am. I will always believe in the goods of others, but I will be more careful about who I will let into my inner circle. Life is too short. That's my mantra, I want to leave a legacy before I leave this world. That's something to stick around for.


----------



## MovingAhead

No,

There were times I didn't feel like I could go on, but no I never did.

At my low point, a few weeks after DDay and the world was still just crashing around me, I was in an Amish market. This large elderly black woman opened up her change purse and all the contents spilled on the floor.

I rushed over there. I picked up her cards and handed them to her. I then picked up her quarters and handed them to her. I was in my nice clothes but I was on my knees on this very dirty floor and I picked up every penny, nickel, dime etc... that I could find. I handed them to this nice lady because I thought she needed them.

When I was done, she said thank you very much. She asked me if she could give me anything for my help. I told her she already had. She reminded me who I was supposed to be for my sons. In the darkest times, I was always giving such blessings. You just have to see life for what it is a precious gift. It was given to you and you just aren't being appreciative if you don't go out and make the most of it.

Focus on the positive. See the positive in things and realized that they are blessings.


----------



## Juicer

I never told anyone this. I don't even know if my wife ever found out from the doctors. 

My DDay happened only a few days after I ended my cycle of steroids. At the time I was doing superdrol, which destroys your liver. I probably did more damage to my liver in 3 weeks than I could with a year of constant drinking. 
Then my OD at I think 180mg of orals, which in comparison at most I was only taking 15mg in one sitting nearly destroyed my liver. 
Add a night of drinking into the mix, and I wound up in a hospital. 

My doctor told me there is no way I should be alive. My liver should have failed at my OD. The fact it kept functioning after that is a miracle. The fact I didn't die from alcohol poisoning due to a liver that can't process the alcohol, is also a miracle. 
So I was alive. My liver should have been dead and scarred, but I was alive. And he said I should be thankful for that. 

Instead I was angry. 
And when I went home I didn't eat. That was suicidal. No other word for it. I wanted it to kill me. 
Took my wife's constant crying because she probably figured out I was killing myself, and my doctor telling me that liver failure is a very painful way to go, to finally get me to eat. 

I may have had a few ideas of...attempts after that, but that is the closest I came to nearly offing myself. Those weeks after DDay. 
And I want it to stay that way.


----------



## MovingAhead

How are you doing now brother (Juicer)? You sound like you are doing much better.


----------



## illwill

I did some work in new orleans after katrina, and met a 14 year old girl who not only saw her whole family drown, but was trapped with their bodies for 2 days. I told her after that she will survive any and all future horrors life throws her way. A cruel gift. 

But a gift all the same.


----------



## honcho

Yes I considered it, I was so shocked when she first left with the guilt trip she had laid on me about how everything was my fault. Not having children was my fault etc. She was so convincing in her blaming me for everything and it was such a dramatic turn in her so fast.

She is/was my first and only love, I am a shy guy by nature. I had never had a breakup before. I had no idea just how much it would hurt. I still think the only thing that would actually make her happy now is if I did, she has that much hate and rage.

So its the perfect excuse not to I guess as sarcastic as it sounds. Why after she has blown up our life would I want to make her happy with everything she has done to me. I grew up with a mother who attempted a couple times, she did it for attention. A very good friend of mine also attempted back in high school, took out one of his lungs with the shotgun blast.

I have seen and experienced the effect on family and friends after someone attempts and I while I thought about it, even ran various scenarios thru my head I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't want to leave are dogs and cats without someone to care for them. Point being at least for me I could always find a reason not to pursue the thoughts in my head.

Months into this divorce action it still hurts, the affair and her meltdown which are the reasons I am getting divorced never wanted to make me end it. But that guilt trip she laid on me the day she left, wow. I have to much purpose in life, I am a success and will continue to be. That's what I tell myself anyway.


----------



## illwill

Good for you.


----------



## SonofPhoenix

I had one of my best friends growing up kill himself in the bedroom while his kids were playing in the living room. He was discovered by his ex when he hadn't returned the kids after his 4 hour once every two-three weeks visitation was up. I thought it crazy until now after my soon to be ex left me 2 day before our 24th anniversary. I have known her since she was 16 and it took 10 years before we got past he friend thing and our parents suggested we go on a date. As a child of divorce I wanted this to be it; the one till death due us part. Instead I got a "walkaway wife" who planned it all out in advance. She started by hanging out with older divorced ladies, bars, trips, sporting events, even vacations and cruises with them. The partying escalated to drinking half a bottle of wine almost every day. (I don't drink) And after trying marriage counseling she fired the last 2 as she didn't like what they were saying. In 26 years together I never asked her to change anything till I got news from 3 of my doctors that I wasn't sleeping well. I have already had a Heart attack and 4 stents, and 3 back operations along with other ailments recently I found out I have cysts. I never told anyone until I could find out the answer, malignant or benign. After going to countless doctors 3 told me I needed to get a full nights sleep, or I could die. None knew of my family situation. I had asked my wife to do anything to change. Until then; when I told her she needed to switch positions at work (she works 15-20 hrs in the early am waking me between 3-4am 6 of 7 days) which she could easily bid out of with her senority, or quit her $150-200 take home job, or we had to figure something out as I couldn't live anymore like this. So she packed up her things and moved out. Now at first I thought this was just a spat and she'll cool down and come home. Instead almost 4 weeks later I find in the mail that she had filed for divorce (no fault state). Two weeks later while my computer was updating I opened the one she used. Windows still open, history still there, and the next 2 days of my life started Hell. It was ALL preplanned; bank credit cards, hotel receipts (all of which I have never been to), letters and emails from a Lover, addresses of places to live, notes on how she wanted out as now she was happy (with the party lifestyle and attention she got from men) along with the fact one of her parents are ill (they are worth millions). And how she wanted my money and house (even though she left). My kids are grown and only one lives nearby and she rarely talks to me but talks and party's with her mother all the time. I'm left with just a dog, and a big house that my inheritance from my grandfather paid for as we almost lost it in 2008 during bank crisis. Yeh, thoughts of suicide definitely roll around almost daily, and even worse ones. But I hope to come out like the Phoenix out of the ashes into a new life. But the Anger over how my supposed Best Friend and soul-mate as she would constantly say is beyond anything I have ever even imagined in terms of the pain of Betrayal. I would sooner see my house in ashes then for her to have it, and if she wants a part of it she will be lucky to get 10-30%. And if some stupid Judge doesn't see my sacrifices and all that I have done for her and my kids (both went to prestigious colleges on me) then I just might be another statistic too. Sadly 15,000 Men commit suicide over divorce per year in the US. Over 300,000 in a little over a decade. The remaining people are equal in men to women. More then 66-80% of divorces are filed by women and almost all hit the men like myself who had no clue that it was coming. Then they hire Lawyers (sum of the earth) to try and take what he earned in my case literally at the cost of my health. I don't know if I have the strength physically to start over. And now she is driving a wedge in between the kids, and her folks are helping in giving my kids money and stuff. It will take every ounce of willpower not to say or do anything stupid if I ever see her again. I have offered mediation; and if she doesn't take it then it will all be ashes as I won't go thru a long protracted battle making Lawyers rich. The big miracle will be in ever trusting another woman again. And IF that ever happens there will DEFINITELY be a prenuptial. Horray for Feminism huh?
And the woman who hated to change is now having to go thru the biggest change of her life and I find that the most funny.


----------



## illwill

Never allow yourself to be defined by another. Ever.


----------



## LostViking

It's not worth killing yourself over. If your house was purchased wholly by inheritance money, then she might not have a claim to it. Everything else may have to be split 50/50. 

I know you are hurting. I know you feel like everyone is against you. Can you go see a therapist? Sit down and talk with someone. Sometimes just having someone to talk to can help immensely. You married a rotten egg. It happens. Get a good, mean lawyer and fight for your rights. Give him all the info you have collected, and if he won't fight for you then fire him and get another one who will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 12345Person

In 2006 found about XH's OW. He divorced me, and left me for OW. 

Depression hadn't really punched me in the face until 2007, and I was going insane. Thought about killing XH and OW. Thought about killing myself. I did some horrible things that year.

Moved back to Texas with my parents in 2008. Got better and then met my soul mate in 2009. I feel alive. I feel happier than I ever have before. I'm having fun and living life. Cliche? Haha I don't care let me have my happiness.


----------



## illwill

You earned it.


----------



## ne9907

I have consider the idea, but never seriously. Another poster said "I just wanted to go away and disappear."
That is what I felt like. I wanted to run away, to take a bag of clothes and disappear in Europe or India. 
Just be gone and never come back.


----------



## Miss Taken

I have thought about it but I have never attempted it. The first time I thought about it was after my mom died when I was thirteen. That grief was immense for me, I didn't want to live without parents. Instead of following through, I turned into a juvenile delinquent (briefly) and drank, partied, and popped any pill I was handed. I did overdose but not intentionally. A brief hospitalization in my youth turned that around.

After Dday, I started thinking about it more often, picturing myself hanging from the rafters of our back porch. I have never gone far enough to actually grab the rope. I quickly put myself on an anti-depressant which was working for months. The suicidal ideation came back two or three months ago, the same picture. I just had my dosage increased.

As much as I've thought about it, I am sure I wouldn't do it. I have my kids to raise. I have lost three friends and more acquaintances over the years to suicide. I lost my own mom as a child (from illness not suicide) and I don't want to put my children through that.

I can also relate to just wanting to run away and disappear. I came close to leaving, packed a bag and everything a few months ago. In the end though, I know I couldn't leave my kids motherless in one way or another. Sometimes though, the isolation from my own family and the abandonment I've faced from WS's family just gets me down. I have made new friends since Dday and revamped my social life but it's still not the same as having the physical support of your own kin. It feels isolating and lonely at times.


----------



## truth hurts truth frees

ne9907, if you decide to come to India, pm me.


----------



## ConanHub

truth hurts said:


> ne9907, if you decide to come to India, pm me.


She's quite cute yes?


----------



## ne9907

truth hurts said:


> ne9907, if you decide to come to India, pm me.


Once I save enough money I will.


----------



## illwill

Some people come into your life to teach you or prepare you for something or someone better. Take these harsh lessons and improve your world.Trust me when i say there is a whole other life to enjoy out there. With new friends and great women. But only if you allow it.


----------



## Hardtohandle

I wish my Ex wife would have the pair to off herself..


----------



## sirdano

I have been here too after my wife's affiar. But my problem was that I thought out all the possiblities too much. Like what would happen to kids,etc. 

Then at this time I got in with God started reading the bible. Then realized that Jesus died for us. Who would I be dieing for? Myself that sure would not help kids out or anybody.

So like it says on here I started to focus on myself. Doing things I liked. I did not let my self fall into depression. Hell I have never been one to take the easy path anyway.


----------



## BetrayedDad

AppleDucklings said:


> I think we all having passing thoughts of doing it, but has anyone ever actually tried?


I've never thought for one second in my entire life of contemplating suicide. Maybe I'm different from most. I don't know. My brain is not wired that way. I certainly took the discovery of my ex's betrayal as hard as anyone else here has....


----------



## awake1

A friend of mines brother killed himself. A guy I went to HS with also killed himself. In the first case because his wife cheated. In the second, because his wife left him. (For another man I believe)

In the early months, it occurred to me a few times. I didn't because it felt wrong that I should also give up my future as I had my past. 

I felt like STBXW had taken everything, and many years of my life.


----------



## awake1

illwill said:


> Some people come into your life to teach you or prepare you for something or someone better. Take these harsh lessons and improve your world.Trust me when i say there is a whole other life to enjoy out there. With new friends and great women. But only if you allow it.


I had this feeling. It didn't feel like a test, but more like a lesson.


----------



## illwill

Same thing. Glad you got to a better place.


----------



## Seraphim56

My wife divorced me in February of '16. I do not understand why. We were married for over 30 years. I retired and out of the blue this. Everything I worked for is gone. Credit Cards/House/Cars gone or going. I have no idea how I am going to live. I am ashamed, angry, feeling betrayed, stabbed in the back, used, and taken advantage of. And in spite of the hatred, slights and despite that I am shown daily. I swallow my rage with pills and stare at the walls in silence. I want the pain to stop. My faith is failing, my belief is failing, my prayers for something to hold on to are unanswered. I feel has if God has abandoned me, and I understand not His plan for me. Each day I wake up I ask why. I have taken care of my family for 30 years and now all I feel is like I am a piece of dog-**** to be discarded of the bottom of a shoe; abandoned by all I loved and provided for. The abyss awaits and I can find no reason to go on. I need help. The Suicide Hot-line has not been of any help. I am over 60 and all I see waiting on me is the concrete slab underneath the interstate. This is not what I worked for all of my life. I could have been the worse butt-hole in the world and I would not have ended any worse then this. I need something to hold on to, for I have nothing. Everyday the darkness deepens and the gun awaits. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

Am I angry? Do I want to hurt back in kind? Do I want to let my pain and suffering be felt by she that inflicted so much upon me? Yes, to all and so much more. However I am a child of God and I still love her. I will never hurt her. However, I struggle with my pain and just wish it to end.


----------



## TX-SC

Seraphim56 said:


> My wife divorced me in February of '16. I do not understand why. We were married for over 30 years. I retired and out of the blue this. Everything I worked for is gone. Credit Cards/House/Cars gone or going. I have no idea how I am going to live. I am ashamed, angry, feeling betrayed, stabbed in the back, used, and taken advantage of. And in spite of the hatred, slights and despite that I am shown daily. I swallow my rage with pills and stare at the walls in silence. I want the pain to stop. My faith is failing, my belief is failing, my prayers for something to hold on to are unanswered. I feel has if God has abandoned me, and I understand not His plan for me. Each day I wake up I ask why. I have taken care of my family for 30 years and now all I feel is like I am a piece of dog-**** to be discarded of the bottom of a shoe; abandoned by all I loved and provided for. The abyss awaits and I can find no reason to go on. I need help. The Suicide Hot-line has not been of any help. I am over 60 and all I see waiting on me is the concrete slab underneath the interstate. This is not what I worked for all of my life. I could have been the worse butt-hole in the world and I would not have ended any worse then this. I need something to hold on to, for I have nothing. Everyday the darkness deepens and the gun awaits. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
> 
> Am I angry? Do I want to hurt back in kind? Do I want to let my pain and suffering be felt by she that inflicted so much upon me? Yes, to all and so much more. However I am a child of God and I still love her. I will never hurt her. However, I struggle with my pain and just wish it to end.


Send me a PM and lets talk.


----------



## browser

Seraphim56 said:


> I swallow my rage with pills and stare at the walls in silence.
> 
> Everyday the darkness deepens and the gun awaits. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!I struggle with my pain and just wish it to end.


You need to be swapping those "rage pills" with some good antidepressants.


----------



## Sinner

I had a breakdown just two nights ago where the urge to end my life was real. It's one thing if I think of suicide in passing, knowing I could never do it, it's quite another when it's a real urge.

As others have said, it's about ending the pain. I called my WH, and that's all I could say through my hysterical sobbing: "I can't live like this anymore. It's too much. I can't take any more. It has to end."

In my not so broken times, I have also wished I could just run away and disappear.


----------



## Florida_rosbif

Don't do it Seraphim, ultimately it's a selfish act that hurts those we leave behind. And life is a gift not to be thrown away lightly, no matter how dark your thoughts are now, there is still pleasure to be had in the future. 

Get help by all means, but step back and look at hobbies that you used to do that gave you pleasure, and pick them up again. Or develop a new one and put your energy into it. For me it would be fishing, car restoration, metalwork, playing bridge, scrabble, etc. Hobbies also give you ways to meet new people and find a new life - I'm afraid that suicide is just giving up too easily.


----------



## bandit.45

I'm sorry Seraphim. Do you have kids? If you do, don't kill yourself. They need you even if they don't express it.


----------



## Ynot

Seraphim56 said:


> My wife divorced me in February of '16. I do not understand why. We were married for over 30 years. I retired and out of the blue this. Everything I worked for is gone. Credit Cards/House/Cars gone or going. I have no idea how I am going to live. I am ashamed, angry, feeling betrayed, stabbed in the back, used, and taken advantage of. And in spite of the hatred, slights and despite that I am shown daily. I swallow my rage with pills and stare at the walls in silence. I want the pain to stop. My faith is failing, my belief is failing, my prayers for something to hold on to are unanswered. I feel has if God has abandoned me, and I understand not His plan for me. Each day I wake up I ask why. I have taken care of my family for 30 years and now all I feel is like I am a piece of dog-**** to be discarded of the bottom of a shoe; abandoned by all I loved and provided for. The abyss awaits and I can find no reason to go on. I need help. The Suicide Hot-line has not been of any help. I am over 60 and all I see waiting on me is the concrete slab underneath the interstate. This is not what I worked for all of my life. I could have been the worse butt-hole in the world and I would not have ended any worse then this. I need something to hold on to, for I have nothing. Everyday the darkness deepens and the gun awaits. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
> 
> Am I angry? Do I want to hurt back in kind? Do I want to let my pain and suffering be felt by she that inflicted so much upon me? Yes, to all and so much more. However I am a child of God and I still love her. I will never hurt her. However, I struggle with my pain and just wish it to end.


I can completely and totally understand this post. I was there. I felt the exact same way. I could have written that post two years ago. As a matter of fact two years ago Friday was the anniversary of my divorce. But guess what? Here I am, telling you that life really does get better. Stay strong!


----------



## MattMatt

It is a tempting thought. 

But what if it doesn't work and you are just left injured and subjected to even more indignities, more heartbreak?

It's not worth it.


----------



## MattMatt

Florida_rosbif said:


> Don't do it Seraphim, ultimately it's a selfish act that hurts those we leave behind. And life is a gift not to be thrown away lightly, no matter how dark your thoughts are now, there is still pleasure to be had in the future.
> 
> Get help by all means, but step back and look at hobbies that you used to do that gave you pleasure, and pick them up again. Or develop a new one and put your energy into it. For me it would be fishing, car restoration, metalwork, playing bridge, scrabble, etc. Hobbies also give you ways to meet new people and find a new life - I'm afraid that suicide is just giving up too easily.


But if those we leave behind do not care, that's not really a valid reason for not doing it.

But if they do not care, living on in spite of them, to spite them, in effect, can be so much more satisfying.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

Seraphim56 said:


> My wife divorced me in February of '16. I do not understand why. We were married for over 30 years. I retired and out of the blue this. Everything I worked for is gone. Credit Cards/House/Cars gone or going. I have no idea how I am going to live. I am ashamed, angry, feeling betrayed, stabbed in the back, used, and taken advantage of. And in spite of the hatred, slights and despite that I am shown daily. I swallow my rage with pills and stare at the walls in silence. I want the pain to stop. My faith is failing, my belief is failing, my prayers for something to hold on to are unanswered. I feel has if God has abandoned me, and I understand not His plan for me. Each day I wake up I ask why. I have taken care of my family for 30 years and now all I feel is like I am a piece of dog-**** to be discarded of the bottom of a shoe; abandoned by all I loved and provided for. The abyss awaits and I can find no reason to go on. I need help. The Suicide Hot-line has not been of any help. I am over 60 and all I see waiting on me is the concrete slab underneath the interstate. This is not what I worked for all of my life. I could have been the worse butt-hole in the world and I would not have ended any worse then this. I need something to hold on to, for I have nothing. Everyday the darkness deepens and the gun awaits. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
> 
> Am I angry? Do I want to hurt back in kind? Do I want to let my pain and suffering be felt by she that inflicted so much upon me? Yes, to all and so much more. However I am a child of God and I still love her. I will never hurt her. However, I struggle with my pain and just wish it to end.


Don't ever do this, it's selfish act and so many things in this world could use your help....find a charity, find something that helps other that have more issues, you can even try help with animal abuse, think about how many dogs and cats are abandoned, mistreated, and in horrible unspeakable conditions, and in so much pain, and they can't even kill themselves and there is no one to help them but use they are totally at our mercy.....visit a site like aspca and get involved, volunteer, help out others in need and see how much this world truly needs you!!


----------



## SunCMars

pidge70 said:


> I have attempted suicide 12 times since I was 14. First time was after I was raped. Last time was last Oct. Been hospitalized 4 times.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is so sad. Sorry.

Do not [attempt] to prove that 13 is an unlucky number. Please.

Any number is unlucky when it is the last count from one's beautiful lips.

Seek help..............in this life and in this world. 

Life is wonderful........death is absence, a vacuum. There is no hope and no better days to come, where there is no flesh and no heartbeat.

Death is coming, no one escapes, don't rush it, enjoy the meal of life...savor it while you can.

If today is sh!tty, tomorrow will be poop free.


----------



## Evinrude58

hurthusb said:


> I'm 2 months from D-Day. My wife continues the affair, wants me to live with her with no intimacy of any kind for the children while she spends time with the man she loves.
> 
> The anti-depressants have finally started working. Good thig, too. Because I was very close to taking my own life 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks.
> 
> I just found a letter last night written by the OM to my wife 2 months before I knew about the affair. It turns out the marriage counseling we were in at the time was a sham - it was intended to convince me to separate so she could then "meet" him.
> 
> If it weren't for the Citalopram running through my bloodstream, I probably would have killed myself last night. I keep hoping a heart attack will kill me from the stress I'm feeling.


I thought about it a couple of times. THing is, there is no logical reason to let another person ruin YOUR life. YOU can do better than this evil person that has betrayed you. AND when you start being in control of your own life and making YOU happy, you will be so far from this place in your mind you are now, you'll wonder how you could have ever been like this.
Please remember that no kind of hurt that is this bad lasts. Not a lot that's really, really good lasts either. 
You have to enjoy the good, and weather the bad. They all pass. But if you never depend on a person for your happiness again, you will also never be in this position mentally again. Send someone, even me, a private message and talk about it.
Your life is worth more than this. Don't let this person ruin your life.


----------



## ne9907

I have been feeling pretty down lately.... All of a sudden, people are resurrecting threads of 3 years ago which was the beginning of my separation!

Thank you ghost diggers!!!!

I've come a long way and still have more to go! The process of finding myself is never ending. Still want to go to India!


----------



## syhoybenden

The zombie was resurrected by Seraphim56 on the last page in a moment of desperation and unaware of how to introduce himself.


----------



## OnTheRocks

Suicide is cowardly. Don't let some amoral POS's selfish actions be the end of you. Never fully trust anyone, and always have a Plan B. Does that make me jaded or maybe even MGTOW? Oh well...


----------



## 3putt

OnTheRocks said:


> Suicide is cowardly. Don't let some amoral POS's selfish actions be the end of you. Never fully trust anyone, and always have a Plan B. Does that make me jaded or maybe even MGTOW? Oh well...


You can call it cowardly if you choose to, but doing so without having walked in the shoes of those that have thought suicide was a better option than living is pretty arrogant and narrow minded, IMO.

You obviously don't have a clue of the power of depression.


----------



## Seraphim56

How does one deal with range of feelings that fall like rain from the worst storm ever. All at the same time I am hurt, angry, lonely, and feeling discarded. Where dear God is my support? This is what destroys the soul, the mind, the heart. Alone-Alone-Alone.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

Seraphim56 said:


> How does one deal with range of feelings that fall like rain from the worst storm ever. All at the same time I am hurt, angry, lonely, and feeling discarded. Where dear God is my support? This is what destroys the soul, the mind, the heart. Alone-Alone-Alone.


I know how you feel, but think that there are many people that have it even worse than you and are even more helpless about it with more simple things...like just staying safe or finding some food, or a place to sleep at....think how you can help those that are worse than you and whose life you can make a difference for....volunteer at a local hospital or anywhere where you can help make a difference and help others and see it...that will lift your spirit like nothing else will.....
It is said that helping others when they truly need it brings more happiness than very few other things can....I am a true believer of that and have lived it to know it's true.....
Once you reach out to those that need your help and where you can see the difference you can make in their life you won't feel lonely or discarded anymore, and you will find more true meaning.....try it, you have little to lose by just trying


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I have known OF (not personal acquaintances) a # of men who have taken their lives over women... it's far more common.. and it's a troubling thing.. Men need someone to talk to when they are feeling like this.. I hate that many women see them as WEAK... like they should always be superman... pick themselves right up.. it doesn't always work like that.. 

I've never had a problem comforting a man.. not that I should be doing this. I am married.. but ya know.. the stories on here....I deeply emphasize... I was worried for a son over a devastating breakup for a time.. I bought a book on suicide.. I joined a forum.. I read not to tip toe around the subject.. use the word.. open it up.. we talked.. we cried together... he shared he did think of it but he couldn't.. why : Because too many people would be hurt.. 

Anyone going through this needs to feel they have others in their lives.. they are not a burden, worthless...when they make comments they don't think they can go on any longer.. take it seriously...

For a time our son lost his optimism.. he was in a FUNK.. he had to go through through these stages of Grief/ loss.... the anger, depression, Bartering... I explained this to him.. that things will get better.. only TIME can work this out.. to trust in this... he did slowly heal.. there will be scars.. but with this he also learned resilience.. he pressed on.. he got through it.. and anyone reading.. you can too!


----------



## TaDor

When I woke up feeling... So empty and didn't care about living anymore. Then a thought of ending my life formed. But I have a toddler who needed his daddy.

I stopped that train of thought. Then stopped taking Prozac. Work with doc for better meds that didn't mess with my brain. 

Other than election, I'm medicated free for over 2 months.


----------



## badmemory

I used to have thoughts of suicide from time to time during my WW's affair (undiscovered for 2 years) - when she was checked out of the marriage, and even before. Alcohol had something to do with that I suppose.

But a strange thing happened to my psyche after I caught her. I realized there was no way in hell that I would ever give that POSOM the satisfaction. And as for my wife, no way I would show her that her infidelity defined me. 

Since Dday, the thought hasn't even crossed my mind.


----------



## browser

Depression is anger towards inward. I suppose you could say suicide is the ultimate expression of that self loathing.

It might help to turn that anger outwards.

Then again, you need to keep it in control, we don't want you shooting up any shopping malls.


----------



## Ifpaincouldkill

I've had suicidal ideation for 3 years off and on. I think there were times when if I hadn't thought ,"what if I survive?" I would've done it. My husband filed for divorce a few months ago. I'm 49, have to go back to school and I know I'll never get over him. I feel like there's no reason to live anymore. We had been together 26 years. I have screwed up everything in my life. I have zero desire to live. If I do end up committing suicide it will be out of state and after the divorce. I don't want him to feel responsible.

He moved out last week. But had been in a different bedroom since he filed. I've had sex with him weekly and he tells me he loves me. I'm a doormat. I started seeing a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression. Today has been my worst day. I made an appointment to see a counselor Monday. Since he filed I barely eat, or get out of bed, I cry daily, and some days I don't even shower. I started taking medication and it helps very little. I'm going to force myself to exercise and plan to go to church with a friend Sunday. I have no family here. I misused alcohol on many ocassions to numb my pain. I just want to die


----------

