# My best friend is SO clingy



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Hello,

I could use some female advice regarding my best girlfriend we'll call her "Suzie". I have been friends with Susie for about 5-6 years now, we hit it off right away and she basically "stole" me from my other closest gf, as she introduced us and became inseparable ever since. 

I love Susie like a little sister, she makes me laugh until I cry, we love all the same things - we can literally spend an entire weekend together doing everything from shopping, dinner, going dancing, playing golf or volleyball - she brings out the kid in me and we have that friendship where people look at us like we are crazy because we will be laughing hysterically, when no one else seems to "get" us as well as we do. We finish each other's sentences, wear matching items without talking about it, just really funny things that make us click so well. 

The downside of our friendship is that we are almost 7 years difference in age. I am 32 and she is 25 almost 26. When we met we were both in our 20's and it was easy to see how we'd get along so well being in the same stage of life and basically being 20-something yr olds living life to the fullest with little responsibility.

Over the past few years- I have noticed some problems in our friendship. For starters, Susie gets super jealous of my friendships with other girls or even how much time I spent with boyfriends. I would often get a million questions about who I was with, what I was doing. If I don't respond to her when I'm busy she often says I've forgotten about her, etc. Sometimes I see it as her being silly and it's kind of funny in a lost puppy dog kind of way, and other times it's frightening in a stalker kind of way lol.
As I have aged, now being 32 - I'm engaged to be married, we have a house, 2 dogs, I find life gets busier. She has adapted a fair bit, I no longer get hourly messages, they have calmed down a little. She does still however, act weird when I hang out with my other girlfriends who are closer to my age.

I have a different relationship with my older girlfriends, than what I have with Susie. I have tried in the past the mesh my friends, but most of them find Susie too annoying, too over the top, etc. The friend Susie stole me from can't stand her. My fiance's sisters can't stand her either and Susie definitely hates when I hang out with my sister-in-laws but she knows they are family and no good will come if she tries to get in between family.

One of my other closest gf's I have known for years, she is my closest gf other than Susie. This gf and I have become super close over the past year or two, we are at the exact same stage in our lives, we're both in our 30's, we think intellectually the same and have lots of talk together when we hang out- its on a different level for sure than the friendship I have with Susie. Our boyfriends have even started to mingle and get along nicely.

I think Susie is picking up on this friendship growing, as she will see pictures of us together and makes comments that she feels left out. She has even taken it as far as messaging my other gf 1-on-1 and inviting my gf and her boyfriend to come hang out with her and Susie's bf alone. She is now messaging my friend planning dinner "dates" but my friend will copy me on the invite and include me in the plans as well. I feel like Susie is trying to get close to my other gf as a way of including herself more in the group or worse, trying to steal my other gf for her own so maybe now she can have all the control?

It's all really childish and rubs me the wrong way. I am 32 years old, if you want to come hang out with me and some friends simply say you want to and we'll make it happen. Susie has in instances made plans with me and specifically said she wants it to be just US that weekend- alone time. I thought it was weird lol - but I balance my time amongst my friends and everyone well that it doesn't matter to me.

On a side note, Susie in the last few years seems to be trying to be a "mini me" if you will. We are best friends, obviously we dress kind of similar, we act like sisters and a lot of it is normal girl behaviour. Some of it is not normal, I have had people make comments that she seems to copy me a lot or seems like everything I do, she wants to do. A lot of these things are small and silly, so I never make a big deal- but over time it's starting to become annoying, like I am losing all sense of independence and who I am because I have to worry about everything I say or do, my best friend Susie just follows in my shadow doing the same thing. She's wanted to buy my exact same car, if I get my hair done- the next few days she does the exact same hair color/style that I have done. If I get eyelash extensions, she gets them too. I trained for a fitness competition, she decided she wants to train for one next.

There are probably a million other stupid examples I can think of but it would take too long to mention.

I don't really know how to handle what I am feeling, I don't even know if she will see her behaviour and notice it? She's pushing me away from her with her behaviour because it's kind of psycho lol... I don't understand why she is being like this, she is my maid of honor in my wedding, I don't feel like I need to constantly prove to her that she's my #1- she should know that already. She used to get angry when I would hang out with my fiance (she used to tell her then-boyfriend) all these feelings/thoughts and probably had no idea they would get back to me. Unfortunitely they broke up and now her ex is good buddies with my fiance, so a lot of the comments came out that she would literally get in arguments that I hung out with my now fiance too much.
Who does that?

How would you handle this type of friendship? I don't want to cut her off, I just want her to be more normal.. 

Thanks


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is she in love with you?


----------



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Is she in love with you?


lol it would appear that way wouldn't it 

She does always say she loves me and kinda makes me feel like I have to say it back. I kinda saw it as cute sisterly kind of behaviour!

She has a boyfriend, she knows I am getting married and am in no way bi-sexual or lesbian, so I don't think she'd think that??


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You'd be surprised. Either she is in love with you (doesn't matter if she has a BF) or she wants to BE you. The 2nd one turns stalker.

You are getting married soon...seeing her behavior now, get ready for the drama coming. 

My best friend for 10 years (she started drinking too much for my liking at the end and I had to cut it), was 7 years younger. We met when I was 25 and she was 18. Instant connection. Attached at the hip. She wasn't this way. I wasn't this way.

I had a friend (not a best friend) start to emulate me after a month of knowing me. Then she started talking about how much my bf reminded her of her ex. Then she started acting like me, dressing like me, etc...to get my bf. She was a stalker and creepy as hell. I cut that friendship after about 8 months.

Have you talked to her about it all? An honest talk? If she's a best friend it should be ok to do so even if she gets hurt.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She sounds like a psycho with poor boundaries. Time to start putting distance between you and her (sounds like you're starting to do that.)

Too bad she's your maid of honor. Don't let her try to control your wedding; could get ugly.

Once you're married it will be easier to create space... "Sorry Susie, I have to consider my husband's feelings. I'm afraid we can't make it."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh, in experience watching a woman go NUTS after her BFF got married, it may not get better.

Start cutting the cord now.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TRy watching the movie "single With Female."


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This is a very unhealthy relationship. It's not a friendship. Long-term this relationship won't uplift you or make you happier. It's only going to drain you emotionally. You'll get to the point, you want nothing to do with her. When you have to start walking on eggshells around your friends, you need to cut the cord and end the friendship. Maybe you don't want to do it abruptly. I sense that you would be uncomfortable with that, but at least let this die a quiet gradual death after the wedding. Stop responding to her emails/calls/texts. You're busy now with wedding plans. After the marriage, you're busy with things to do with your spouse. Stop justifying or explaining. 

I wouldn't have her as the maid of honor. Is it too late to change that? Or maybe you feel bad about ditching her as maid of honor?

You can't make her "more normal". You can't every make anyone do anything. You can only say "this is the line for me...don't cross it and if you do..this is what will happen." And then if it does happen, you need to stick the consequences you stated.

I had a friend who relied on me far too much. It was like everything was an emergency. She would call me constantly. And the calls would be about an hour long. I'd be at work and she'd call my cellphone wanting to talk to me. If I didn't answer, I'd get a text "where are you??????????????!!!!" I cut that off quickly. I don't need that kind of drama in my life.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I felt claustrophobic just reading this!

I'd back it right up. This isn't healthy - thankfully you already know this.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> TRy watching the movie "single With Female."


OP should watch it. I think it's called Single White Female.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you have not found your pet rabbit in a stew pot in the kitchen yet? So at least you have that.

Sounds like she has a lesbian crush on you. I guess you need to figure out if you can be her "friend" in that light.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> OP should watch it. I think it's called Single White Female.


yes, with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Time to have a talk with "Susie." 

And back off on hanging out all the time. Hourly texts? That is way too much. Sounds like she has a boundary issue. although you have tolerated it all this time so a change in the dynamic is going to seem weird to her.

25 and 32 - yes you are at difference life stages. Personally I would find that much contact with someone annoying as hell. One of my friends is in this exact situation, down to the ages and everything. The rest of us find the new/younger friend to be a cling-on who is trying to emulate everything she does. It is very strange.

Also, stop saying Susie "stole" you from your other friends. You are not an object. People aren't stolen.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If she was your friend she would allow you time to be friends and have other relationships in your life.

Also, good luck EVER finding a man with a friend like that. 

You will lose her either way (in time). Mark my words.


----------



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> I wouldn't have her as the maid of honor. Is it too late to change that? Or maybe you feel bad about ditching her as maid of honor?
> 
> I had a friend who relied on me far too much. It was like everything was an emergency. She would call me constantly. And the calls would be about an hour long. I'd be at work and she'd call my cellphone wanting to talk to me. If I didn't answer, I'd get a text "where are you??????????????!!!!" I cut that off quickly. I don't need that kind of drama in my life.



I definitely would feel bad about not having her as my maid of honor- My wedding is 3 months away, the girls have already bought their dresses and my best friend has already planned my bridal shower, which is in two weeks.

I know it is not healthy and she drives me insane. I find it easier to handle a personality like hers as a friend, because when she's too much I just ignore her for days or give her less and less texts back and take some space from her. Like you, I often get those "Where are you???????" texts if she calls me or texts me and I don't answer for a while.


----------



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> yes, with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh.


LOL I watched the trailer for this, does remind me of her a bit- this movie is obviously extreme! There is another movie called "The Roommate" with Minka Kelly as the main actress, also reminds me a bit of my friend lol


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Those movies remind you of her and you still want her to be your best friend?

Those are horror movies.


----------



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Time to have a talk with "Susie."
> 
> And back off on hanging out all the time. Hourly texts? That is way too much. Sounds like she has a boundary issue. although you have tolerated it all this time so a change in the dynamic is going to seem weird to her.
> 
> ...



She definitely has boundary issues.. Some time back she even started texting my fiance about casual pointless things, or our group weekend plans etc. that involved me and instead of messaging me to discuss she would message him directly, like a "Hey what time do we all have to be there?" type deal. 
Thankfully, my fiance showed me right away, like why is she messaging me and not you to ask? He was simple and short responding back and then ignored her.. she obviously got the hint and knew he wasn't going to entertain pointless small talk, so she stopped doing it.

She has never really done enough to make me completely blast her, but she has done small things that rub me the wrong way and then seem to not happen again.
Over time it has become bothersome- but at the time didn't seem serious enough to really deal with I guess.
Maybe, as I'm aging I'm noticing it more as being unhealthy - I just notice people's behaviours the more I grow up as being messed up.

She is also currently planning/throwing my bridal shower in 2 weeks and did not have a job for a few months so I knew she was hurting for money- I told her to do something really simple. She has been offerred help from a few of my family members for money contributions - so I thought she was all good. Turns out she also asked my fiance to wire transfer her some money  He was not too pleased with that. I told him that was SO silly and he should have never sent it to her! He felt bad though because the shower is for me, so ofcourse he didn't mind helping. But just another action of hers that is completely rubbing me the wrong way- she's ridiculous! I feel like I am going to snap on her eventually- maybe the wedding is making me try to keep the peace until this is all over with????


----------



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Those movies remind you of her and you still want her to be your best friend?
> 
> Those are horror movies.


I said a "bit" - my friend has never done anything like in that movie to that extent.
I am just not sure what to do about her, I know it's not "good" or normal


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You should talk to her.


----------



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> You should talk to her.


I would want to talk to her about the going-back door messaging my other close GF that she has only met about 2-3 times- to make plans with her & her bf, or planning dinner dates with her and then extending the invite to me afterwards. When I told her I couldn't make it, she says "Oh bummer- well we can do it again as well".

I'm thinking, oh really please can I hang out with my other closest gf if you arrange something? LOL... so ridiculous.
But at the same time I'm 32, secure with myself and my friendships with my other friends. Even if it bothers me, if she wants to hang with my other gf's and they agree to it and actually go, maybe I should just be a grown up and not even bring it up?
I'm not upset that she wants to get to know my other gf more, I'm upset the way she did it by going back door, and not actually just saying hey let's do this and invite your GF she seems like a cool girl.
If it was reversed and I wanted to invite one of her friends, I'd just simply say- hey let's do this on Friday and why don't you message X and invite them too? Would be nice to hang out with your other gf in a group?

I also want to bring up the bridal shower thing, but I'm being told I need to wait until after the shower. She has gotten money (apparently a significant amount) combined from my fiance, my mom, his mom & stepmom and hasn't been telling anyone where the money is going towards. The catering and location have been accounted for, so the extras she has been getting additional money for people are a little unsure and uneasy about where the money is actually going. I don't want to get involved and haven't been given much details, as my family is trying to keep it a surprise for me. I want to just let her do her thing and told my fiance to tell his family, if after the shower something seems off I'd just ask her for receipts or let them all know where their money went? From the sounds of it, were talking a couple hundred dollars or more, so I feel people should not be left in the dark how they are contributing? She has not let anyone get involved in any planning, only been collecting money from everyone.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> She is also currently planning/throwing my bridal shower in 2 weeks and did not have a job for a few months so I knew she was hurting for money- I told her to do something really simple. She has been offerred help from a few of my family members for money contributions - so I thought she was all good. Turns out she also asked my fiance to wire transfer her some money


You are going to owe her big time now.


----------



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> You are going to owe her big time now.


What do you mean?


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

its not that unuual to have friends of different ages. As you get older, you tend to find adventurous and spontaneous people are younger, and people your age are...stuck in their ways. A little like Rodney Dangerfield showing up at the golf course in caddy shack, and not fitting in! LOL

So having a younger friend is fine. I guess the issue here is WHAT type of a friend is she, is it purely a friendship or is she looking for a sexual relationship. 

I would say for now, it sounds fairly innocent.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jessielee1 said:


> What do you mean?


She's spending money on you while she is unemployed. Given her track already, she will never let you forget how she sacrificed for you. 

I would not set myself yo like that.


----------



## jessielee1 (Apr 7, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> She's spending money on you while she is unemployed. Given her track already, she will never let you forget how she sacrificed for you.
> 
> I would not set myself yo like that.


Oh I see.. Well according to my fiance, she has gotten X amount from him, my mom, my mother in law, and step mother in law. There is no venue (Someone's house I suppose) and people are all bringing food- so apparently they have given her over $500 and aren't sure where it's going. Their concern is that she is not putting in any of her own money and hasn't told anyone where their money is going towards.

She now has a job, but for the past few months has been unemployed. She wanted to throw a shower, I just told her don't do anything out of her means, just keep it simple if that is what she wants. I do understand not having money and wouldn't expect her to throw me one if she couldn't.


----------



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

To me, it sounds like a difference of maturity level and her being really insecure.

However, the hourly texts and copying you IS over the top and unhealthy. I would just talk to her about it. I mean, you two obviously have a close bond if she's your maid of honor. Why wouldn't you be able to talk to her about it? Maybe she'll even admit to you that she feels insecure and afraid that she'll lose the BEST friend ranking.

Just don't tell her about the horror movie references, lol.


----------



## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

The money thing bothers me. I think it is selfish of her to have not been more responsible with her money when she knew your wedding and wedding festivities were approaching. 
My "maid of honor/best friend" did the same thing, and I ended up paying for everything she needed over my wedding weekend, including running around on the morning of my wedding to find new shoes for her, which I paid for. 

For now, I'd focus on getting through your wedding and not allowing your friendship with her to cause anymore stress, and then slowly start making space between the two of you and encouraging her to go out and make/spend time with other friends. You don't need to cut her out of your life completely, but some more independence from each other might be the healthiest thing for her.


----------



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Is it possible that 
1) She looks up to you and 2) maybe she wants to be part of the "group" occasionally when you go and double date with your other friend? It does not sound like they don't know about each other. It sounds like she is trying to plan a get together so everyone can enjoy each others company.


----------

