# Looking for advice and support.



## jdb9294 (Jun 17, 2012)

I will try to keep this short so more people will read it and respond.

I have been with my Wife for 10 years, married for 3. Things were really great for a long time. We basically moved out of our parents houses and in with each other so we started our lives from the beginning together.

Now to jump right to the start of whats going on. My wife has never really had a close group of friends. I was always that person. But this year (she is a school teacher) she started hanging around with a new group of friends. She really enjoyed going out with them. Sometimes she would drink, but most of the time not to excess, she just was going out and chatting about work while having a drink or 2. 

One night she was going out to a birthday party for a friend a a restaurant. I had no concerns about this at all. It wasn't often she went out at night and she never gave me any grief about the few times I would go out with my buds. 

But as it started to get late, I got a text saying she had drank to much and was at her "girl" friends house waiting till she was comfortable to drive. Although I was disappointed I was happy that she made that decision. 

She never came home that night... Around 9 am she walked in and I was so angry. I ignored her for almost a week. During that week she was apologetic, and trying to get my forgiveness. But as I watched closely I notice she was deleting text, and going into different rooms to talk on the phone. I began snooping and knew something was up.

I confronted her and she came clean. She told me that that night she develop feelings for a co worker. She said that she fell asleep on her "girl" friends couch up against him. She said that the feeling she had gotten from this new found love was powerful and made her realized, and I quote "I love you, but I am not in love with you, and I am not sure I ever was" She followed that up with "I am also no physically attracted to you and I have no emotional connection and I feel like I need that"

This news destroyed me. For the next 2 weeks or so, we talked and talked. I made some commitments to take better care of my self, lose some weight, and stop taking my wife for granted.

This story gets better... After a few weeks she had to leave for a school trip to Spain for 9 days. (Without the new person) This was the hardest time of my life, because when she left we were still so uncertain, and 2 days after she returned we had a closing on a new house.

So I spent the 9 days packing up our old house not knowing if she was going to come with me to this new house when she got home. It was so hard. 

The 9 days came and went, I picked her up at the airport and we talked for the hour long ride home. When we pulled in the drive way I had one condition before I agreed to buy the house with her. I needed her to promis me not to cheat on me. My wife is so honest about everything that I believed she would keep her word. And because she is so honest, she didn't know if that was a promis she could make. After some time she did make it, but it was not genuin and I knew it then.

So 2 days later we took a ride to a lawyer's office to close on our house. I stopped the car in the lot and looked at her and said "Are we sure this is the right thing to do?" She was sure that we needed to buy this house and put the past behind us. So we did.

We have been in our new house for 7 weeks. We made 1 payment so far! And 3 days ago she left me. She told me that she doesn't want to put this new guy behind her. That she has to explore this feeling. That her heart is telling her she has to go to him.

So the last 3 days have been terrible. The new guy had no idea she had feelings for him, but she has since called him and told him that she does. He also told her that had feelings for her. too. He is also in a relationship, but isn't happy. However he was leaving on a 7 day trip with his current girl friend yesterday. So now my wife is in limbo while he is on a trip with someone else.

I have reacted in all of the same ways everyone else on these forums reacts. I begged her, I cried, I gave her guilt, I gave her shame, I would beg for forgiveness. It has been such a rollercoster. I was so bad that she actually got a new phone and won't give me the number.

It is now day 4 and I am realized that I need to just stop. I need to stop pushing her. I just fear the damage is done. She thinks divorce is the only way out but is scared because it will ruin us finically due to this new house. She is also torn because she thinks I am a great husband and a great person, and she knows that jumping into something new for that puppy love is going to end badly. But she still can't come around and try to make it work.

She doesn't want to even attempt a 2nd go at it. I feel like now that all of the cards are on the table, the worst is past us. If she can tell this new guy its over, and stop going out and seeing him, and calling him, we can focus on our marriage.

I am so depressed now, and lost, and helpless. I am in this empty house alone not knowing how I am going to make the next mortgage payment. Not knowing if the knock at the door will be her asking to come home, or a sheriff serving me papers. I am trying SO HARD not to contact her, because I know it isn't helping. But this pit in my stomach just wants to hear her voice.

Please help...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going through this. That's just awful she had you to go ahead with the house purchase. Clearly she is in the fog from her new relationship.

One thing I believe you should do is out the romance to his girlfriend. Their relationship may not be as bad as your wife lets on. Why would he be taking a long vacation with his girlfriend if they weren't getting along? Cheaters lie a lot--even to themselves.

Also, I'm going to move your thread over to the infidelity section. That's exactly what is going on, so I think you will get much more help there.

Hope things work out for you.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Are you the breadwinner of the family? If so, kick her out until she breaks all contact with the OM. 
If you need help get it from your family. 

Make it clear to her that she is in the wrong. You need to become cold and emotionless toward her if you want to save the marriage. Women may be attracted to exciting new love interests, but women also like to be protected, cared for and provided for. Take that away from her and see how "un-attracted" she is to you then. 

As things are right now she really, really doesn't deserve you. She needs to feel the sting of that reality.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If there is damage to your marriage, guess what? SHE did it, not you.

I am concerned that your WS gave you the edited highlights of what happened, or total twaddle.

It's possible that she set up the overnight stay in advance and had some kind of sexual hook-up with the OM.

Tell his girl friend. She deserves to know.

And get tested for STDs.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your first step is to get the OM out of the picture, so expose the affair to his SO and let the OM GF/wife know that there is an affair going on and that you are looking for her support in ending it, and if need be expose this to the school district.

This will for sure piss off your W and thats a good thing. Once the reality start to break up the A and it become more uncomfortable an inconvienent she will start to edge her self out of this fog. Waywards tend to get really pissed when you make it diffulcult for them to continue their A.

In most cases once the exposeure happens, the OM will throw your wife under the bus to save his own relationship and his job. Hence the removal of OM.

Once you can validate and confirm for your self that OM is completly out of the picture then *she* can start to repair the marriage. No contact is the most important thing so if your wife does come out of the fog after being dumbed by OM then she will need to leave her job, hence having absolutly no contact with OM.

Some thing tells me this is not an exit affair. She is by her admission in a puppy love and we both can agree that its all just a fantasy. So with that said play hard ball now and get her pissed and as soon as she sees the real consequences for her fantasy with a co worker, will she turn a corner.

Push her away now and the sooner she taste the reality of it all the sooner she will see that this affair is going no were. Ask her to leave, this will show her how confident you are in not tolorating her crap. 

I know you love her and don't want a divorce, but she has to believe you that you will, this tactic may scare her straight. Any weakness on your part, from here on out, will only let her to continue with her behavior and she wont even think twice in what she is about to lose. So please get her to second guess her dicision by showing her the confidence of letting her go....again another tactic that will get her thinking twice.

I know how hard it is to push something away you love so much, but if you don't she has no reason to change her behavior and will string you along as long as she believes you will always be around when this affair falls apart.

Sure you can wait but man that is the painful route, the less painful route is have the peception and make belive your done, to get her to realy believe you are through with her until she can confirm NC. w/ OM.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for your situation and I agree with the guy.Also what's the schoolboard's stance on workplace affairs?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry it so long but I know for a fact that begging and the whole nice guy-don't want to push her away doesnt work.

It was 2yrs ago...almost 3yrs I confronted the same way you did and it wasn't until I got tough and alpha maled up, did my fWW change her ways an she started doing the heavy lifting to keep me around.

Its kind of funny when you can smile at your WW and ask her to leave so you can share the good things you have with someone else. Its funny once you strat working out and looking good with new cloths and a confident additude the WW sees the gras is not greener and once you stop letting her eat her cake and piss her off she is no longer fun for the OM.

Its even more funnier when they ask for space and you tell them they can have all the space they want ,for as long as they want while your at the lawyers get divorced. 

Stop letting her screw with you and man up, any thing less makes you less atractive then the OM. I can tell you one thing , the OM isn't crying, and your chick sees him pretty attractive right now.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

jdb9294 said:


> I will try to keep this short so more people will read it and respond.
> 
> I have been with my Wife for 10 years, married for 3. Things were really great for a long time. We basically moved out of our parents houses and in with each other so we started our lives from the beginning together.
> 
> ...


Get it together fast or lose any chance you have left. Getting it together means regaining control of your emotions, being a man and giving her what she deserves. Which is - none of your time attention or money. If you can move on and forget her, and reject her you have your best chance. Be cold, unfriendly, not mean or abusive, make her understand you have lost all interest in her (until she clearly and sincerely has a change of heart). This is your best chance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ bradt, I liked your reply, this tactic closes all the doors until OM is completely out of the picture. Only after NC is confirmed can OP start to open up the doors to R.

Its hard, I remeber being indifferent to someone you loved for years is the second hardest thing I have ever done, the first was facing the reality that my wife was sleeping around.....oh I mean guddling on the couch with another men.

Discoveries are tough for the wayward, but the aftermath is one hell of a ride, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The acting like I didn't care, then stopping the cash flow, the exposer, the fake R's... I mean the whole thing is tough, but with time I am in a better place.

From what I remember the indifference didn't piss my fWW off it was the closing the accounts that got her worked. No more buying booze for the OM and not enough gas money to go see him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Right now your wife has the belief that she can always come back to you if it doesn't work out with the OM. She is in a fog fueled by fantasies with the OM. What you need to do is burst her bubble by filing for divorce and having her go live with the OM. It won't be long before she sees that the OM is a two timing frog and not her soulmate prince. If and when she finally comes out of the fog, and wants to return, you can then choose to reconcile with her or move on with the divorce.

The point is for you to show her that you are not her back up man and are strong enough to let her go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Remember filing for divorce is not the end all to end all step, the finalizing it is. So there is a big difference betwenn getting a lwayer and filling and having her served versus finalizing. There is always a witing period before the judge swings the little wooden hammer he has next to his desk.

Anyway, this tactic is very useful and besides exposure, filing is one of the best ways to make the affair inconvienent uncomfortable. If noting says I'm not taking your crap like getting seved papers at work while the OM looks on.

Again once the NC is confirmed the D can always be withdrawn.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Reality kills fantasy. Many who have forced their WS to go live with the OM/OW end up helping to kill the fantasy of the affair. Let's face it, once they start seeing the warts of their AP on a daily basis, they don't look as wonderful as before. This coupled with the exposure to those closest to the WS, it puts tremendous stress on the affair that it most cases is destroyed.

Of course there is no guarantee that they won't make it as a couple but the odds are stacked against them. For one, fragile trust. They both know for a fact they are very capable of cheating on their spouses/partners that one or both always wonder if they will ever be betrayed by the other. And lastly, they never developed the maturity to endure the hardships that all committed relationships are subjected to from time to time. The moment things start getting tough they will either leave or jump on to another relationship. They are more susceptible to go from one relationship to another.

No one is attracted to a doormat willing to allow others to walk all over him/her. Show your wife that you are nobody's doormat and you may win her back, if that is what you want.


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## jdb9294 (Jun 17, 2012)

Thanks so much for all the input. 

Today was actually a decent day, I feel like we made some real progress. I will keep you guys up to date on how we make out.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You need to man up. Out the whole things to OM's GF. Yesterday. While they are at vacations. Expose too to her friends, those who can presure her to come to her senses.
Demande her to send a NC letter or you file, pack her stuff and send her to OM's place.

Read and implement this

*The 180 rules*


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

jdb9294 said:


> Thanks so much for all the input.
> 
> Today was actually a decent day, *I feel like we made some real progress.* I will keep you guys up to date on how we make out.


"We" "made progress?" Doesn't sound right. If you feel good about your relationship with her at all right now she may be just manipulating your emotions to retain control. Be wary.

>>If she can tell this new guy its over, and stop going out and seeing him, and calling him, we can focus on our marriage.

You're potentially in a dream-world, she may well have checked out. It's quite possible she's just trying to manage the breakup (and your reactions) now and to get what she can. Again, be wary.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Is OM a coworker? It's going to be tough.
Your marriage has zero chances if she keep getting ''fixes'' everyday at work. OM has to be severed from her life, then you will have a chance.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, she didn't develop feelings that night. She's out right lying to you. She's been developing feelings for a while - that night is when she acted on them.

She didn't just sleep beside him on the couch. Sorry, but you need to deal with the real facts, not what you want it to be, or what she told you.

You MUST expose this affair wide and far. Expose it all the work associates, the boss at the school, friends and family. 

Yes she and he will be angry at you. GOOD - that means you are hurting their affair.

You must kill the affair before your marriage can being again.

You what she did for those 9 days away? She spent hours mailing him, talking to him, and building him up to the best guy in the world in her head. She also spent those 9 days talking with her buddies from work on the trip on how to have the affair and dump you.

So don't be patient, waiting for her to get through it. Don't be afraid of driving her away - she's already got the peddle to the metal.

Those strategies have gotten you where you are now. Instead you need to go nuclear and kill the affair. Make it humiliating to continue, make it costly in terms of reputation and relationships for both of them. Otherwise, you WILL end up divorced and bankrupt. Heck, they might even move in together into your new house.

Cut off all her access to family money. ALL of it. Not joint CC's, no bank accounts, and if you can cancel cell phones, car insurance. Everything. You want to make life without you hell.

Get aggressive immediately and you might save your marriage.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

yeah this may be hard to hear, but you are here for the truth. feelings don't develope out one night, use common sense here dude. she is waiting for him to return, thats why you had a good day. once they reconnect in person, you are down the rabbit hole again. go back and think about you and her sitting in the car, before the closing. she was sure then, but as soon as she got back around him, she walked !!! To be honest, I don't see how you could want her after doing this to you 3 days later. I wander what she would have done 10 yrs on with kids in the picture. she has shown you she is willing to use you as a backup or throw you away. you should be thanking her for showing you her true colors. you want the truth, have her take a polygraph. until then, its time to separate the finances. you might also want to look into the look/back period on the house. you may still get out without much damage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You might consider asking for DNA tests on your children. If she screams at you and asks why, say: "Because you broke my trust in you. I am no longer sure you are the person who you told me you are.

"If you can do this to me, what else could you have done to me in the past?"


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> You might consider asking for DNA tests on your children. If she screams at you and asks why, say: "Because you broke my trust in you. I am no longer sure you are the person who you told me you are.
> 
> "If you can do this to me, what else could you have done to me in the past?"


Can get paternity kits off the shelf. He probably doesn't need permission.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

bradt said:


> Get it together fast or lose any chance you have left. Getting it together means regaining control of your emotions, being a man and giving her what she deserves. Which is - none of your time attention or money. If you can move on and forget her, and reject her you have your best chance. Be cold, unfriendly, not mean or abusive, make her understand you have lost all interest in her (until she clearly and sincerely has a change of heart). This is your best chance.


This is what I was going to say.

You can't nice her back, you can't negotiate or guilt her either. You HAVE to play hardball. If there's a snowballs chance in hell for her to even think about an R it will be after she crashes and burns and the sooner the better.

Ignore her and give her the boot and don't let her think you will take her back. That's the reality check she needs. When it hits her that you are gone for good then she may start to wake up. Also tell the OM's gf, she needs to know and that may cause him to through your WS under the bus.

You have to find your anger stage and run with it, use it to motivate yourself to be NC with her. The less she sees/hears from you the better.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

A few key words.
Self respect. Boundaries. Tough love.
Shock and Awe


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP.

I think you are not listening to the posts here.
STOP. LISTEN.

AU


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bradt said:


> Can get paternity kits off the shelf. He probably doesn't need permission.


Nope. That's NOT why I suggested paternity tests. It is a way to point up to the wife how she has totally smashed his trust in her.

"_I can't trust you now, how can I know I could trust you throughout the rest of our marriage?_" kind of thing...


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Nope. That's NOT why I suggested paternity tests. It is a way to point up to the wife how she has totally smashed his trust in her.
> 
> "_I can't trust you now, how can I know I could trust you throughout the rest of our marriage?_" kind of thing...


Ah gotcha. Yes that makes sense. If they really aren't his kids that will definitely make her stop and think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@MattMatt, these statement like " I want a paternity taste" = look what you have created, a miss trust in the whole marrige.

Just like "please leave the home until you can confirm NC" = I'm confident in letting you go.

And;

"Here are the divorce papers" = I will not tolorate this any more.

Statements like the ones above are very stronge in bringing the reality to it all.

Just like on the other side of the coin;

"I love you and will give you space"= I'm not going any were so continue sleeping around.

"I'm sorry for being a bad spouse" = I'm justifing your adultorous behavior so its OK to sleep around.

"I want to work it out so I will find a place to stay for a while"= I will make it easier for you to sleep around by abandoning the marital home.

My point to all this is the statements we make can make all the difference in the world, especially when the AP is still in contact and the A continues. Granted if its an exit affair this really doesn't matter but in this sitch and the waywards on the fence you must be confident enough to play hardball.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

One thing we do know is, she will have to leave that job for you to have a chance to save the marriage. Also the enabling friend too. Otherwise she will continue to have a connection to him disrupting your family. Its time to man up dude. HEY !! have you ran from the post already ??


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## jdb9294 (Jun 17, 2012)

In case anyone still follows this I figured I would update you all.

It's almost been a year and the divorce is scheduled to happen in 1 week. I have moved on from her completely and I am looking forward to getting it all behind me.

I was able to keep the house, and not go bankrupt!

She is still living with the OM. They are still living a lie because of their employer (Mount Saint Charles Academy) doesn't condone affairs!

Thank you all so much for your help on this. I was really lost for a bit there. I have learned so much and become so much stronger. I will never find my self in that spot again, I can promise you that!

Thanks again and good luck!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thanks for the update. Did you expose the affair yet if it's going to be final expose.


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