# Fellas, need a mans point of view



## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Guys, I need a mans point of view on how to :

Make my hubby more affectionate & emotionally connected. 

WE have two kids, 4 and 2. He works 50 hours a week, I work 30 hours a week and do most of the house work. We haven't cheated on each other, and neither of us parties with friends. We both come home and are great at keeping out **** together. 

But my hubby is so unaffectionate that I cannot take it any more. I have tried everything. I have tried being more sexual, I have tried being less, I have tried telling him how I feel verbally, in a letter, I have tried mimicking the behavior I want- NOTHING WORKS. 

He claims that he does still love me, but he NEVER EVER EVER says it. He Only touches me for sex (which we do have 2-3 times a week and it is good & spicy). I feel like I am asking for so little. An ILY maybe once a week? A hug maybe every couple of days?

FYI I lost all of the baby weight and I look damn good. Hottest wife at the company party. Dinner is hot and ready when he comes home and the house is clean. Remember I am still working my 30 hours! I rarely reject him from sex, only if I really don't feel well. 

We have zero connection. He is not the person I turn to for anything because whatever I say I get "wow".. "cool"..."okay"... short bored answers. I am constantly fantasizing about divorce and other men and am falling out of love with him b/c he refuses to open up. He is happy when he wants to be, and does try to be a good dad. I know he loves me- I just need that emotional connection and non sexual touch. 

Please guys- what do I do?


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Is he a physical guy? Doe he ever play with the kids?

Perhaps an issue of too much alpha, not enough beta. Around these parts its always the other way around You want to start promoting the Beta traits he may or may not possess, and Id think sex would be the best tool for the job. Essentially you want him to know that you find it a real turn on to see him acting more Beta. Dishes, Laundry, Children, whatever it may be.

Next time he plays with the kids, throw in a remark about how you knew he'd make a great father and, slap his butt playfully with a subtle flirty grin.

Tell him your parcel from Victoria Secret just arrived, and if he can plan a romantic date night without the kids, you can plan a romantic romp in the bedroom afterwards.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

JuliaP said:


> I have tried telling him how I feel verbally, in a letter


He knows you are considering divorce over it?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Your husband is similar to my wife. It is very frustrating to be married to someone who does not meet the simple needs of love. When it became clear that she was not engaged in our marriage and pointed this out to her, we hit rock bottom months ago, but are working on rebounding. I have learned it is all on me to keep this going, if I want our marriage to work and improve. It only take one to do this.

One thing that seems to be working, to a degree, is a weekly meeting where we read together from Mort Fertels book, Marriage Fitness. I also am aware in my case I need to Man-up more to meet my own needs.

Hang in there. Moving on is much harder than working on what you have, and chances are you will still have problems to deal with.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

"He knows you are considering divorce over it?"

NO, I haven't said that. If I did I think he would flip it around and make me the bad guy. He does do that often.

"Is he a physical guy? Doe he ever play with the kids?" Yes he is good with them, and he is good about helping in the house. I have no complaints with that. It's the emotional connection and physical touch that I need.

And very well put... 'does not meet the simple needs of love'... i feel like its just so simple!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

JuliaP said:


> "He knows you are considering divorce over it?"
> 
> NO, I haven't said that. If I did I think he would flip it around and make me the bad guy. He does do that often.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html





JuliaP said:


> "He knows you are considering divorce over it?"
> 
> NO, I haven't said that. If I did I think he would flip it around and make me the bad guy. He does do that often.
> 
> ...


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Julia, 

I recently discovered my wifes "Love Language" as another member puts it. She used to make little silly crafts in her spare time and give them to me. Id brush it off as just a doodle, but she put a lot of heart and affection into these things.

Likewise I would pull my penis out and wave it at her. Thats how men show love and affection. 

There could be miscommunication at play here. I know its very uncommon to hear that being a problem in a relationship, but it happens from time to time.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

for some guy's love is a heavy word. It's very hard for me to show emotion (part tough guy part growing up rough) My wife has the same complaints you have. I feel I express how much I love her by the things I do for her. I go to extreme's to surprise her,,, has he ever tried explaining himself this way ?


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

well, he did grow up in a house where there was allot of coldness. His parents divorced and it took them 5 years to do so- so for 5 years there was fighting, anger, coldness etc all in front of him. Then his dad took off and started a new family. I know this has scarred him.

He does help me around the house even after a long day, and he is very passionate in love making and still finds me very attractive. I guess I should maybe see these things as love?


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

"Likewise I would pull my penis out and wave it at her. Thats how men show love and affection."

LOL! Yah, this too!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

JuliaP said:


> Guys, I need a mans point of view on how to :
> 
> Make my hubby more affectionate & emotionally connected.
> 
> ...


Julia, try to remember that guys tend to think outside the box, or be more expressive when we are pursuing someone that we haven't already won. Its not a good trait in us, but you're actually reinforcing that he's already won the battle, and he'll get a slice of heaven just for being like he is.

I think you have to tell him that you just can't bear things like they are. To protect yourself, you need to pull away a bit. At the same time, offer him books and insight into your love language. Not at all suggesting a vindictive approach, but a logical one where you communicate often that his behavior is what is pushing you away just to protect yourself. 

Maybe I should just be grateful that my wife rarely showed affection without some overture from me first.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

How willing is your husband to work on this? Does he see it as a problem too? A problem for one person in a marriage becomes a problem for both. 

Have you expressed to him how important this is to you and that you are fantasizing about divorce and other men? I think you should express this to your husband - just simply present it as a huge struggle for you and you are worried that you will not be able to maintain discipline and control without his aid.

Has he ever had any counselling to work through the issues he has from his childhood and parent's divorce? It sounds like he needs to - his childhood has affected the man that he is today and is doesn't sound like he has been able to get past that in his interactions with you.

You said that you have mimic'ed what you wanted from him. But do you know what he wants or needs from you? Do you show him appreciation and respect? Do you verbally express it?

Best wishes.


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## _E_ (Sep 25, 2011)

Julia, from what I can tell, the degree of emotional connectivity in your marriage is not ideal to you. However, it is possible that your ideal could greatly surpass his. If this the case, then compromise, understanding, and alternative solutions may be warranted. 

Suppose he became dramatically more emotionally expressive and affectionate. Would you be satisfied with other possible side manifestations? For example, sex could become less spicy, instead with an increased focus on hugging, kissing, and holding.

In terms of alternative solutions, perhaps you could develop increased emotional closeness through a mutually enjoyed activity that happens to naturally be emotional. 

Example: watching a hockey game together. 
He might be there to enjoy the sight of skillful competition, of mechanical prowess, and to root for one of the teams. You might be there primarily to spend time with him. This could be a compromise (because you might ordinarily have no interest in the sport itself). Hockey games can also be quite emotional experiences (anger, worry, disgust, feelings of victory), but the emotions experienced would be quite different than those experienced in a typical "chick flick." He may feel closer to you because of mutual participation in an activity he enjoys. You may feel closer to him because you see his emotional displays and reactions, as well as him seeing yours. However, if the reasons and interests in participation be too different, related conversation might not be very deep.

Another solution could be to get a or more close friends.

Example: Fred/Barney and Betty/Wilma from the Flinstones cartoon. 
If you desire increased emotional connectedness, is it within the boundaries of your marriage to pursue it outside?


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

JuliaP said:


> well, he did grow up in a house where there was allot of coldness. His parents divorced and it took them 5 years to do so- so for 5 years there was fighting, anger, coldness etc all in front of him. Then his dad took off and started a new family. I know this has scarred him.


Wow, this sounds familiar... I have reflected on this part of my past and, according to books, it can cause people to become emotionally unattached, for obvious reasons. Im sure there IS love, but he has a pathological aversion to expressing it.

I hope thats the right word, Im trying to be all brainy.

Maybe councelling would help him out?


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