# Husband sleeping at Mother’s



## RiverLiver (Jan 5, 2022)

My husband of 6 years informed me that he needs to spend more time with his mother. He started sleeping at her house 2 nights a week because she is depressed and lonely. I feel this is abnormal. I am his 3rd wife and have a feeling his mother has been a problem in his previous marriages. This is my second marriage. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He talks on the phone with her daily for 30-60 minutes, sometimes more than once. She is becoming very needy.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I would love to see a statistic on how many "depressed and lonely" mothers have ruined their children's marriages. Girls need to be told to stay away from these mommas boys. Seems so sweet and caring at the beginning then the unhealthiness of the relationship becomes obvious way down the road. A wife should be a much higher priority than a mom. His mom will take as much as she can get until he puts a stop to it which he will never do.


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## RiverLiver (Jan 5, 2022)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I would love to see a statistic on how many "depressed and lonely" mothers have ruined their children's marriages. Girls need to be told to stay away from these mommas boys. Seems so sweet and caring at the beginning then the unhealthiness of the relationship becomes obvious way down the road. A wife should be a much higher priority than a mom. His mom will take as much as she can get until he puts a stop to it which he will never do.


Yes. Initially I thought it was pure kindness. As the years go on, it's getting to be something else. I was starting to feel it was me that was wrong for being insecure. My husband is telling me I am insecure and callous because she is 80 years old and needs him. My mother is 88 years old and is doing well managing her life by moving into an apartment building for the elderly. She has always taught us to never depend on a man for our well-being and now I appreciate that more than ever. Well, I could go on and on about situations with her. Thanks for the validation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

His mother needs to make her own life and her own friends. Does she go out? Has she hobbies or interests? Has she got friend's? Other children? Siblings? Was she a single mum? 

I think it's very wrong that parents expect their children to be their life. Ok visit maybe a couple of times a month, but not staying there two days a week.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RiverLiver said:


> Yes. Initially I thought it was pure kindness. As the years go on, it's getting to be something else. I was starting to feel it was me that was wrong for being insecure. My husband is telling me I am insecure and callous because she is 80 years old and needs him. My mother is 88 years old and is doing well managing her life by moving into an apartment building for the elderly. She has always taught us to never depend on a man for our well-being and now I appreciate that more than ever. Well, I could go on and on about situations with her. Thanks for the validation.


Can you suggest that his mum does what your mum has done? Then she will have company and things to do. 
Has he always been like this with her?


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## RiverLiver (Jan 5, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> His mother needs to make her own life and her own friends. Does she go out? Has she hobbies or interests? Has she got friend's? Other children? Siblings? Was she a single mum?
> 
> I think it's very wrong that parents expect their children to be their life. Ok visit maybe a couple of times a month, but not staying there two days a week.


She lives alone. Has no friends. Is not close with her grandchildren. She has a history of mental illness issues. She has absolutely no social life. Three children, one has a hearing disability and lives in another city, the other is a nurse and shows up once a week and the third is my spouse. We live about 30 miles from her house. My husband doesn't have a 9-5 job, he puts in long hours and long days with every-other-weekend off and every Monday off. Most of his Mondays are consume by doing things for his mother or at least 1/2 of the day on Mondays. The world revolves around her and her three children.


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## RiverLiver (Jan 5, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Can you suggest that his mum does what your mum has done? Then she will have company and things to do.
> Has he always been like this with her?


I have suggested that she needs to move to an apartment. The response is "she would die. She needs her home and her lawn and garden and cats". My spouse does all of her yard work, all 4 seasons. He's always been a mama's boy, but as she ages it is getting worse. I think he has deep fear of losing her and when that happens, it will not be good. I must say, I do not understand their relationship.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Without knowing more, the immediate red flag here is that it sounds like your husband is a momma's boy. 3rd marriage? 

I've known guy's like this. Some can get knocked out of it. Most cannot. The only way I can see you knocking him out of this is to be firm and don't bluff. Tell him you are his wife and as such, you are top priority. Period. That is what marriage is about. He chose to honor and spend his life with YOU. He lives with you, not his mother. and there is no reason for him to speak to his mother on a daily basis for an hour. I don't see a problem with checking in on her daily for a few minutes but an hour is excessive. 

Unless you do this, you'll always be 2nd to his mother. That isn't fair to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ok ask him to agree to once a week on a Monday to see her but no over night stays. She also has her daughter going in once a week so she is more fortunate than many.
Other than that can she afford a carer/cleaner type person to go in once or twice a week?

Why did his first 2 marriages end?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

From a statistics standpoint, the number of husbands that go to spend 2 nights a week at their mother's house while leaving their wife at home is probably around 0.0000000001%.... many standard deviations away from the mean.

You should tell him you expect him to stay with you everynight and that he can help your MIL hire someone for her household needs.

I unfortunately don't see this going over well with either of them and you will realize you are not a priority. I would prepare for what that means for the relationship.

Alternatively, you could just cut to the chase and start moving on, it may be the only thing that will motivate him to change.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiverLiver said:


> My husband of 6 years informed me that he needs to spend more time with his mother. He started sleeping at her house 2 nights a week because she is depressed and lonely. I feel this is abnormal. I am his 3rd wife and have a feeling his mother has been a problem in his previous marriages. This is my second marriage. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He talks on the phone with her daily for 30-60 minutes, sometimes more than once. She is becoming very needy.


Dare I suggest it, can she move in with you? I know that doesn't fix his momma's boy syndrome, but it would be a way to get your husband back in the house full time. Is everything else in your marriage all good and this is the only major issue?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Possibly a fix for one small part of this problem - my mother RIP needed daily check-ins by phone when she got older, what I did was choose a time that my wife was busy anyway, either working, out on errands, etc. That way it never interfered with our relationship and our time together.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

RiverLiver said:


> My husband of 6 years informed me that he needs to spend more time with his mother. He started sleeping at her house 2 nights a week because she is depressed and lonely. I feel this is abnormal. I am his 3rd wife and have a feeling his mother has been a problem in his previous marriages. This is my second marriage. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He talks on the phone with her daily for 30-60 minutes, sometimes more than once. She is becoming very needy.


My XH was a Mama's boy, and for a time, he stayed 1 night a week with her when we were married. She was a major player in the demise of our marriage, as was my own mother. Our families were WAY too involved in our relationship, I think this is a problem in marriages, and I don't believe that folks realize this until a divorce happens.You're not wrong for feeling the way that you do, and I think that you and your H need to have a calm, heart-to-heart about this. Tell him how it makes you feel, and how you feel that it's harming your marriage. Did he also do this in his other 2 marriages?


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## RiverLiver (Jan 5, 2022)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Dare I suggest it, can she move in with you? I know that doesn't fix his momma's boy syndrome, but it would be a way to get your husband back in the house full time. Is everything else in your marriage all good and this is the only major issue?


Hell no! That's what I am fearing will be next. And if so, then I will move on.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Oedipus schmoedipus....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@RiverLiver, 

I would not have an issue with the phone calls. When my mother was alive, I spoke with her at least once a day. It was not intrusive in my life or marriage as it always did it while I was doing some tasks like cooking dinner, etc.

But him spending the night at his mother's 2 times a week and doing all her yard work etc.? Now way would I do that or put up with my spouse doing it. 

Is there any way that someone can be hired to help her with things like her yard, pets, etc. and to provide some human interaction? that would reduce the burden your husband has taken on.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nope that is not ok. I don't know a spouse in the world who would be ok with that.

Mum slept at Grandad's for a couple of weeks after Nana died, but that's understandable and Dad was fine with it. But this?? 2 nights a week, every week for no reason?? Nope.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RiverLiver said:


> Hell no! That's what I am fearing will be next. And if so, then I will move on.


Has he ever mentioned that?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RiverLiver said:


> Yes. Initially I thought it was pure kindness. As the years go on, it's getting to be something else. I was starting to feel it was me that was wrong for being insecure. My husband is telling me I am insecure and callous because she is 80 years old and needs him. My mother is 88 years old and is doing well managing her life by moving into an apartment building for the elderly. She has always taught us to never depend on a man for our well-being and now I appreciate that more than ever. Well, I could go on and on about situations with her. Thanks for the validation.


I'm 69 years old. I can easily envision someone needing to have someone over there a couple of days a week to help them do the simple everyday things. There are just so many things she might not be able to do herself. I am so crippled up that I have to hire everything done and don't have any kids to do it. I don't know how far away she lives so I don't know if he could be home in 15 minutes and not need to spend the night over there.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I have nothing against someone calling home daily. I used to talk to my mom daily, sometimes multiple times a day (albeit, mostly because we worked together for a while and I was a huge momma's boy growing up). I probably still would if she hadn't gone and ruined that relationship. I also have nothing against children helping their elderly parents. They _should_ do that. Our parents do a **** ton for us, and eventually it's our turn to repay the favor. 

There is a line though and he has crossed yours. If he has always been a momma's boy and has already let it ruin two marriages, he will never change. You need to decide if you can live with this or not. If you do choose to live with it, expect it to keep getting worse.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

RiverLiver said:


> My husband of 6 years informed me that he needs to spend more time with his mother. He started sleeping at her house 2 nights a week because she is depressed and lonely. I feel this is abnormal. I am his 3rd wife and have a feeling his mother has been a problem in his previous marriages. This is my second marriage. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He talks on the phone with her daily for 30-60 minutes, sometimes more than once. She is becoming very needy.


I'd be ok with him helping out his mom and spending time with her on his own. BUT to sleep there....that's just weird. Also, you have a feeling his mother might have been a problem? Did you not discuss this before you got married?? ( It doesn't seem like you did...why?)


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