# Co-Parenting Not Working Out So Well



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

I am married, have been for a year, and my husband has two children from previous relationships. I have an 8 year old stepson and 4 year old stepdaughter that my husband shares custody of with their mothers. They each have a different mother. He and I do not have any children together yet. I treat them both like they’re my own. I love them like they’re my own. My husband and I do everything we can to make sure they know they’re loved by us and their mothers. We do not have any problems with my stepson’s mother. Drop offs and pick ups go well and there’s never any drama. They have a set custody agreement and there’s usually no deviation unless they agree to a change or to switch weekends. The drama all comes from my stepdaughter’s mother. 

We dropped off my stepdaughter yesterday (Sunday), which was our anniversary. We were dressed for dinner reservations we had after the drop off. She’d asked my husband if she could keep his daughter an extra day. He said no because we both have to work and his mother, who usually babysits when we’re at work, had to work as well. She got angry when she saw us, stating “Oh, so you can’t keep our daughter an extra day because you’re going out to celebrate a wedding that is unsuccessful.” Of course she says this within ear shot of to get me on purpose. I kept quiet and stayed in the car as I know she says these things to get under my skin. After we leave, my husband gets a phone call from her. She says their daughter told her she’d asked for some white cholocate covered pretzels when she was at our house and I had refused to give them to her. She then proceeds to chew him and I out, yelling at us, stating that her daughter is to be given whatever she asks for. I told her it wasn’t her house and she has no say in what she does or doesn’t get while she’s there. Normally I don’t interject in their conversations but she’d asked to speak with both of us on speakerphone. She threatened to go back to court, I told her let’s go. She said she was going to call CPS because we were denying her child food. She started to scream and talk over me, so my husband hung up the phone and refused to speak to her again because she wouldn’t calm down and be civil. 

When my stepdaughter is at her mother’s, she is given whatever she wants. They never say no to her. So when she comes to our house and we do say no, she goes back to her mother and tells her that we said she couldn’t have something or couldn’t do something. The pretzels incident is just one example. We have never denied her food and feed her appropriate meals. No, we aren’t going to give her everything she asks for. She likes to eat everything else and then not eat her dinner. And if she doesn’t like what she has for dinner, she will say she’s full, and then immediately after her plate is taken up, ask for a snack. I don’t want anything to think we don’t feed her or we’re mistreating her in any way. Every time we do a drop off or pick up, there is always some reason she has to call and complain or yell at my husband for something. 

My husband and I are looking into parallel parenting as a way to try to co-parent before this gets worse. We both believe limited contact between us is the best way and we would still be able to all be good parents. From what I’ve read, parallel parenting involves and very very detailed parenting agreement that lays out specific dates, times, and places for pick ups and drop off; gives specifics on every holiday, school breaks, including summer, spring, and winter, etc. It’s very detailed and most communication is done via email or text unless there is an absolute dire emergency in where a phone call is necessary. Has anyone heard of or used or know someone who has used parallel parenting? If so, what is your experience and how did it work? The drama and yelling and fighting is very stressful and while I know it’s never going to be easy, I have to believe there is an easier way than what we’re doing now.


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

I am speaking from experience, i have an ex that used to do the same thing to me, she would take me to court and drag me through the system. 
I learned a long time ago you can't do parent with someone who is so irrational and is just basically a drama queen. My ex and i dont talk too much at all. She can't stand my wife at all. I take my wife to almost all drop offs and meetings with my ex because of prior incidents. 
My ex and i worked our problems out in court. Sadly thats what it came down to. So thirty five thousand later and i have sole custody of my oldest daughter, she pays child support and i have every other week visitation with my son. I've had DSS(Our form of cps) 
at my door more times than I can count. It's ridiculous for sure. We tried co parenting and well that was really bad because we set ground rules for both houses and i was the only one enforcing them so I looked like the bad guy all the time and her place looked like a vacation home for them. It was very hard for quite a while. I also deal with a father to my step children. He's not so much drama but we just don't speak other than a hello every once in a while. He will talk to my wife every so often but she does the parenting and the kids get a vaca every other week with him. That was a bad deal but it's a long story too. She had them all the time and we decided to split time. It works but only 26 weeks out of the year because that's the time they get a good dinner every night and have bed times across the board to be the same. He doesnt seem to give a **** either way as long as he doesn't pay child support because he was alwsys worried I would get the money lol. 
Good luck with your situation and buckle up for one hell of a ride, especially if it gets as bad as mine was. 

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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> My husband and I are looking into parallel parenting as a way to try to co-parent before this gets worse. We both believe limited contact between us is the best way and we would still be able to all be good parents. From what I’ve read, parallel parenting involves and very very detailed parenting agreement that lays out specific dates, times, and places for pick ups and drop off; gives specifics on every holiday, school breaks, including summer, spring, and winter, etc. It’s very detailed and most communication is done via email or text unless there is an absolute dire emergency in where a phone call is necessary. Has anyone heard of or used or know someone who has used parallel parenting? If so, what is your experience and how did it work? The drama and yelling and fighting is very stressful and while I know it’s never going to be easy, I have to believe there is an easier way than what we’re doing now.


Parallel parenting will never solve all of your problems, especially when you are dealing with someone who sounds as irrational as that of your husband's baby momma.

A detailed parenting plan is a good course of action because you always have a written document to fall back on in case things don't go as planned. You need to do your research and make sure that you cover all the bases (dates, times, exchanges, holidays, ROFR, ect) that might possibly come up during the next *14 years *of your step daughters life. Draft it up and submit it to the courts and maybe you can get it approved. Then follow the plan to the letter. Everything via email or text, no conversations, pickups and drop offs at neutral locations (We just used school), dates followed as stated in the agreement or a change in writing. If you ever have problems, document the issue. Once you have several incidents, go to court and slap the hand of the mother legally. She will either learn to follow the agreement or keep paying for you all to go to court. The key is to make your agreement as air tight as possible.

The unfortunate thing is that you can only control your actions, you cannot control the other mother's. She may not agree to another agreement and tie you up in court on that issue, she may submit multiple frivolous motions against you, she may call CPS (see answer above), or she could cause other issues. I hate to tell you, I have a feeling that you and your husband will have a tough time with this one. I hope that you have a thick skin to be able to deal with the mother and the child as she gets older.


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

The unfortunate thing is that you can only control your actions, you cannot control the other mother's. She may not agree to another agreement and tie you up in court on that issue, she may submit multiple frivolous motions against you, she may call CPS (see answer above), or she could cause other issues. I hate to tell you, I have a feeling that you and your husband will have a tough time with this one. I hope that you have a thick skin to be able to deal with the mother and the child as she gets older.

This is here is exactly what I went through with my ex wife. 
Making an agreement and getting it on the books was very hard for my ex and i but it can be done. I was more than willing to talk to her about things but she wasn't so much. C3156 is dead on, good luck. 

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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

All of this drama and bull**** that you just posted about is *EXACTLY* why I had a strict rule when I was dating - don't date any men with dependent kids, much less get serious with one.



> The drama and yelling and fighting is very stressful and while I know it’s never going to be easy, I have to believe there is an easier way than what we’re doing now.


You are correct - there IS a much easier way - following the rule above. 

Sounds like Mother of the Year is raising a 'mini me' - a spoiled little princess who will only get much worse as she gets older. Much, _much_ worse. I'm actually afraid for you.

I don't have any magic answers. Well, I do, but they all involve faking your own death and running like the wind. :frown2:


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You should first try the honey route. People get protective, especially when they feel someone else is doing it wrong. Be proactive here. Bite your tongue and compromise.

Call her up and tell her you don't want to fight, you are sorry for your end of it and you'd like to go out to dinner, your treat. If she agrees, do not let her inflame you. Even make a couple of jokes at your husbands expense to loosen her up (I know right, that ******* can't load a freakin dishwasher if his life depended on it). Then work your way through the issues by asking her what she thinks about chocolate pretzels before dinner and why and just be receptive.

I know it sounds like a pita and sucks, but there is nothing worse than a combative ex and doing his for the kids will save you and them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe your H could get her to go to a family counselor and get some good intervention.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> All of this drama and bull**** that you just posted about is *EXACTLY* why I had a strict rule when I was dating - don't date any men with dependent kids, much less get serious with one.
> 
> 
> You are correct - there IS a much easier way - following the rule above.
> ...


Thank you for your' honesty, SSGI
The first step to self improvement is the hardest. Acknowledging one's shortcomings.

Mine? I stand in my own light. Yes, I know..I am the Sun...
Sun conjunction Mars!! 

Not helpful for those that [want to, must] deal with me.:surprise: 
Humility comes and goes in my mind's eye.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Herschel said:


> You should first try the honey route. People get protective, especially when they feel someone else is doing it wrong. Be proactive here. Bite your tongue and compromise.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




As much as I’d like it to, this won’t work. If this were a situation where we were at each other’s throats day in and day out, I could see it working. However, this is a situation where she just comes up with stupid crap to start a fight about. This is why I want the separation completely. She knows she can’t control what goes on in our house. I fully believe she did that to ruin our night, which she did. Funny thing is, the next day she called to ask my husband something and acted like nothing had happened. And what she called to ask about she could have sent a text or an email and it would have served the purpose. She calls to argue about stupid stuff. Her incidents happen like the weather changes and you never know when it will flare up. 


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> As much as I’d like it to, this won’t work. If this were a situation where we were at each other’s throats day in and day out, I could see it working. However, this is a situation where she just comes up with stupid crap to start a fight about. This is why I want the separation completely. She knows she can’t control what goes on in our house. I fully believe she did that to ruin our night, which she did. Funny thing is, the next day she called to ask my husband something and acted like nothing had happened. And what she called to ask about she could have sent a text or an email and it would have served the purpose. She calls to argue about stupid stuff. Her incidents happen like the weather changes and you never know when it will flare up.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is so similar to my ex. She found out my wife and i were having a good time on Valentine's day one year and she called me up and let me have it about stupid stuff. My wife and i got a hotel and i left my phone in the car that night, i figured the guy who valeted my car could talk to her lol. 
I had to ignore her so many times because she wants a fight every time and it causes you and your SO to fight too. She won't let up until shes happy and gets what she wants but don't give in to her. The best way to do things is to remain silent and only use text and email. Ppl tend to censor what they say in text and email, especially in a court type situation. I have a huge accordion style folder that has all sorts of paperwork and copies of texts and such. 
Always stay in public areas, i made the mistake one time of dropping off some meds for my son to his mom's apt, she ended up trying to get a bunch of her neighbors together to say I was harassing her and being irate with her. She lied alot about alot of things. It's sad that ppl are like this. 

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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Jamie296 said:


> This is so similar to my ex. She found out my wife and i were having a good time on Valentine's day one year and she called me up and let me have it about stupid stuff. My wife and i got a hotel and i left my phone in the car that night, i figured the guy who valeted my car could talk to her lol.
> I had to ignore her so many times because she wants a fight every time and it causes you and your SO to fight too. She won't let up until shes happy and gets what she wants but don't give in to her. The best way to do things is to remain silent and only use text and email. Ppl tend to censor what they say in text and email, especially in a court type situation. I have a huge accordion style folder that has all sorts of paperwork and copies of texts and such.
> Always stay in public areas, i made the mistake one time of dropping off some meds for my son to his mom's apt, she ended up trying to get a bunch of her neighbors together to say I was harassing her and being irate with her. She lied alot about alot of things. It's sad that ppl are like this.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk




This is so amazingly true! My husband refuses to meet her alone to pick up his daughter because he’s afraid she will try to accuse him of something. Some people really should grow up! We’re starting the text and emails ASAP and she can deal with it. I’m trying to get healthy and this stuff stresses both of us out so bad it’s starting to affect our health. My husband is a worrier and I feel like he’s going to have a stroke before he’s 35 with all of this stuff going on!


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> This is so amazingly true! My husband refuses to meet her alone to pick up his daughter because he’s afraid she will try to accuse him of something. Some people really should grow up! We’re starting the text and emails ASAP and she can deal with it. I’m trying to get healthy and this stuff stresses both of us out so bad it’s starting to affect our health. My husband is a worrier and I feel like he’s going to have a stroke before he’s 35 with all of this stuff going on!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I pick my son up from school in the afternoons on my weeks so his mom and i dont we each other at all. 
We got so bad for a while, we had to meet at the police dept, which was my idea because of all other lies. I would always take someone with me to ensure that it would go smooth. I would always make sure there were cameras in sight to see us so if she pulled anything, i could hopefully get the police involved. 
It has been going on 5 years for me now since my ex and i have split, we have been divorced for four. We are finally able to speak, but very little, on the phone. I don't really care to talk to her still to this day. We went through numerous court battles and arguments over the past 5 years. It's a bad situation but tell your husband to hang in there and don't let her tear your marriage apart because that's her intent. My ex has been with a guy since we split and she somehow got him on board to attack me as well. She went as far as to have a random friend of hers go through and fabricate text messages saying my wife was cheating in me with a co worker. My wife knows alot of ppl, so that was a hard one to get through. They will play dirty to get what they want but don't play into it. The less you speak to her, the less problems. She can't argue if no one is arguing back. You guys run your house the way you see it fit. If she doesn't like it then we'll the only option is court and that's not an easy road but she will show how much regard she gives to her child by dragging you guys through court. 

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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Jamie296 said:


> I pick my son up from school in the afternoons on my weeks so his mom and i dont we each other at all.
> We got so bad for a while, we had to meet at the police dept, which was my idea because of all other lies. I would always take someone with me to ensure that it would go smooth. I would always make sure there were cameras in sight to see us so if she pulled anything, i could hopefully get the police involved.
> It has been going on 5 years for me now since my ex and i have split, we have been divorced for four. We are finally able to speak, but very little, on the phone. I don't really care to talk to her still to this day. We went through numerous court battles and arguments over the past 5 years. It's a bad situation but tell your husband to hang in there and don't let her tear your marriage apart because that's her intent. My ex has been with a guy since we split and she somehow got him on board to attack me as well. She went as far as to have a random friend of hers go through and fabricate text messages saying my wife was cheating in me with a co worker. My wife knows alot of ppl, so that was a hard one to get through. They will play dirty to get what they want but don't play into it. The less you speak to her, the less problems. She can't argue if no one is arguing back. You guys run your house the way you see it fit. If she doesn't like it then we'll the only option is court and that's not an easy road but she will show how much regard she gives to her child by dragging you guys through court.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk




Thankfully she actually hates court. My husband has brought up going back several times because she’s pulling ridiculous bs and she backs down real quick. Also he has a really hard time saying no to anyone so that’s an issue all on its own. Thanks for the advice and I’m glad your situation is better, at least somewhat.


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> Thankfully she actually hates court. My husband has brought up going back several times because she’s pulling ridiculous bs and she backs down real quick. Also he has a really hard time saying no to anyone so that’s an issue all on its own. Thanks for the advice and I’m glad your situation is better, at least somewhat.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No problem. I had a hard time saying no too. It will get easier. Be the words of encouragement that he will need to stand up to her. It's hard when you don't want to argue but he will get it. My wife helped me by standing by me and i started talking to her about it to make sure that what I would say would not be provoking. He basically jist has to be the bigger person but that's a hard one lol. Good luck and stand you guys stand your ground. Her being afraid of court means shes doing dirt too and she's not willing to have it aired out. That's a plus right there. My ex didn't care at all. She figured no one will say anything to her but she found out quickly when we went this last urine through court. She doesn't threaten anymore and she's not looking to go back down that road so things are ok for now. Exes can be a pain but know who's important and focus on just that and leave her to wallow in her own pity. 

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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Jamie296 said:


> No problem. I had a hard time saying no too. It will get easier. Be the words of encouragement that he will need to stand up to her. It's hard when you don't want to argue but he will get it. My wife helped me by standing by me and i started talking to her about it to make sure that what I would say would not be provoking. He basically jist has to be the bigger person but that's a hard one lol. Good luck and stand you guys stand your ground. Her being afraid of court means shes doing dirt too and she's not willing to have it aired out. That's a plus right there. My ex didn't care at all. She figured no one will say anything to her but she found out quickly when we went this last urine through court. She doesn't threaten anymore and she's not looking to go back down that road so things are ok for now. Exes can be a pain but know who's important and focus on just that and leave her to wallow in her own pity.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk




Awesome advice. Another thing with exes is they’re jealous and vindictive no matter what you do. I had to deal with my ex-husband (thankfully we had no kids together) well into my current relationship just because he was a butt. Thankfully he’s long gone now and we’re only dealing with one ex at a time. If we had both I could totally see him hooking up with her and just going to town on dogging is both lol! They’d probably bond over it! 


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

My wife and i both had exes when we got together. My ex and her ex had went out to lunch to try and figure out a way to take us down lol. They both had a common enemy. His was straight up jealousy because my wife and i had a child 14 years ago and then went our separate ways. He and she got married and were married for a bit and then divorced. He found out I was in the picture and made it hard to do anything. Her kids were in day care at the time and he stopped me from being able to pick them up from day care because my wife and i weren't legally married so they weren't technically related to me at the time. He is much better now. He doesnt try to start trouble anymore and he communicates when she calls him up. Exes are vindictive but they are hurt and that hurt goes super deep for them. To them they don't understand where they went wrong so they don't understand why someone would leave them. I married my ex because I had gotten her pregnant, lesson learned. I spent 12 years in a bad marriage always lookong for a way out. My wife now is and always has been the love of my life and without her, i wouldn't be who I am today. She has helped me deal with my ex much differently than I know how to. I have a temper that I have definitely learned to control. I would spout off things to my ex that would later come up on court papers that I would have to defend. My wife really helped me calm down and look at the situation rationally. 
I am high energy and high anxiety so it's hard for me not to think the worst and run with it but my wife showed me how to get to my ex and make her stop without being so mean and harsh. 
You will always catch flack for being the other woman, you are the one that stole him away even though he already had one foot out the door. My wife has caught her fair share of being called every name in the book by my ex. She just smiles and says ok. She's good like that, she has always worked in a corp world so she knows how to be professional and i am a blue collar guy, i work with my hands alot. Some of the crap my ex threw at us definitely drew us closer together but there were times where my wife questioned if the love we had was enough to continue a relationship with me and i cant say I blame her. It's alot to take on. My kids are 17 and 13 now and my daughter doesn't speak to her mom anymore and hasn't in 2 years plus. My son sees his mom every other week and he keeps to himself. It's sad what stuff like this does to children but ppl are selfish sometimes and don't see that. My wife also taught me to never discuss things around any of my children and not to ever bad mouth her no matter what. I listen to her and it's helped alot. 

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> This is so amazingly true! My husband refuses to meet her alone to pick up his daughter because he’s afraid she will try to accuse him of something. Some people really should grow up! We’re starting the text and emails ASAP and she can deal with it. I’m trying to get healthy and this stuff stresses both of us out so bad it’s starting to affect our health. My husband is a worrier and I feel like he’s going to have a stroke before he’s 35 with all of this stuff going on!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Going to text and email only is the best thing you can do here, I think. That way you have a transcript of everything that goes on. The next time she calls and starts going off, he needs to hang up on her. Period. She is not entitled to go off the way she does. And if her emailed get abusive, you can notify her that they will be turned over to your attorney and you will take legal action (cease and desist.??) if it continues.


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Jamie296 said:


> My wife and i both had exes when we got together. My ex and her ex had went out to lunch to try and figure out a way to take us down lol. They both had a common enemy. His was straight up jealousy because my wife and i had a child 14 years ago and then went our separate ways. He and she got married and were married for a bit and then divorced. He found out I was in the picture and made it hard to do anything. Her kids were in day care at the time and he stopped me from being able to pick them up from day care because my wife and i weren't legally married so they weren't technically related to me at the time. He is much better now. He doesnt try to start trouble anymore and he communicates when she calls him up. Exes are vindictive but they are hurt and that hurt goes super deep for them. To them they don't understand where they went wrong so they don't understand why someone would leave them. I married my ex because I had gotten her pregnant, lesson learned. I spent 12 years in a bad marriage always lookong for a way out. My wife now is and always has been the love of my life and without her, i wouldn't be who I am today. She has helped me deal with my ex much differently than I know how to. I have a temper that I have definitely learned to control. I would spout off things to my ex that would later come up on court papers that I would have to defend. My wife really helped me calm down and look at the situation rationally.
> I am high energy and high anxiety so it's hard for me not to think the worst and run with it but my wife showed me how to get to my ex and make her stop without being so mean and harsh.
> You will always catch flack for being the other woman, you are the one that stole him away even though he already had one foot out the door. My wife has caught her fair share of being called every name in the book by my ex. She just smiles and says ok. She's good like that, she has always worked in a corp world so she knows how to be professional and i am a blue collar guy, i work with my hands alot. Some of the crap my ex threw at us definitely drew us closer together but there were times where my wife questioned if the love we had was enough to continue a relationship with me and i cant say I blame her. It's alot to take on. My kids are 17 and 13 now and my daughter doesn't speak to her mom anymore and hasn't in 2 years plus. My son sees his mom every other week and he keeps to himself. It's sad what stuff like this does to children but ppl are selfish sometimes and don't see that. My wife also taught me to never discuss things around any of my children and not to ever bad mouth her no matter what. I listen to her and it's helped alot.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk




Wow...you’ve been through the ringer. I wish that I could justify her jealousy with me being the other woman, but I’m really not. They were never married (I’m his first marriage). He’s had other girlfriends since her and before me. Their relationship wasn’t even really that long. Their daughter was really a product of one final hookup between them. They’re relationship ended badly and with my husband being arrested for things that are out of his character to even do. He got it all erased from his record but still.

And it took two years for her to address her daughter’s parentage. From what I know she went through other guys before she landed on my husband as the father. She only did then because she wanted child support. She was not interested in letting him see his daughter. So it’s been a battle to begin with. She was shocked when my husband filed for joint legal and physical custody. She didn’t want to share custody but the judge granted it to him. 

I guess to her he is the one who got away and it’s not necessarily me she’s ticked at. If it was someone different it would be the same way. It took me the better part of a year to realize that it’s not me. Now that I have I don’t react like I used to. 


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Going to text and email only is the best thing you can do here, I think. That way you have a transcript of everything that goes on. The next time she calls and starts going off, he needs to hang up on her. Period. She is not entitled to go off the way she does. And if her emailed get abusive, you can notify her that they will be turned over to your attorney and you will take legal action (cease and desist.??) if it continues.




This is absolutely right. And it won’t be an empty threat. I have attorneys through work that will go to court with me or my husband for any reason. We’re working on getting this done. We know she won’t comply without a judge signing off on a new agreement and until then we’re doing the best we can to manage. 


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