# Old affair playing on my mind.



## sunflower88 (Jan 6, 2013)

i am newly married, only three months since the day, however i have been with my partner for 7 and a half years. during the build up to my wedding, roughly three months before the day, i had a one night stand with a friend of my cousins. i confessed to my partner and a long story cut short, we agreed to continue with the relationship and the wedding. i am happy to still be with my partner and do love him, but recently the thought of what happened has come back to me in an uncomfortable way. i have a mix of feelings concerning what happened, i still feel guilty, yet the thought of what happened also sadly excites me. I dont understand why i feel this way and why these feeling have begun now? Is this normal, does it mean i want to cheat?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Risky sex can be a thrill. Think of some type of risky sex you can try with your husband.

You asked if it means you want to cheat. 
Do you feel like you want to cheat?

Talk it over with your husband. It's best you address these issues right now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And what about remorse? I'm thinking your husband decided to forgive and forget too easily and you've lost respect for him because he stayed with you despite your blatant disregard for your relationship when you chose to cheat.

If you think hard about it, didn't you loose a lot of desire and respect for him because he accepted the hateful action?


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

sunflower88 said:


> i am newly married, only three months since the day, however i have been with my partner for 7 and a half years. during the build up to my wedding, roughly three months before the day, i had a one night stand with a friend of my cousins. i confessed to my partner and a long story cut short, we agreed to continue with the relationship and the wedding. i am happy to still be with my partner and do love him, but recently the thought of what happened has come back to me in an uncomfortable way. i have a mix of feelings concerning what happened, i still feel guilty, yet the thought of what happened also sadly excites me. I dont understand why i feel this way and why these feeling have begun now? Is this normal, does it mean i want to cheat?


So you physically betrayed your spouse three months before the wedding and still went through with the wedding anyway? Can you tell me specifically what, other than your spouse's willingness to wear horns in an effort to save face in front of family and friends, convinced you that you were in a place where marrying _anyone_ was a good idea? If you could not maintain continence immediately prior to being wedded with your spouse, when the excitement and anticipation of formally starting your life together should be at its zenith, how do you really expect to once the honeymoon glow wears off, if it hasn't already (or hadn't by the time of your infidelity).

And of course it means you want to cheat. You've experienced the chemical and emotional euphoria of illicit sex and gotten away with it without any repercussions. I would be shocked if this were not simply the first of many such occurrences in the duration of your married life.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Suggestion: if you decide to betray your guy again, tell him ahead of time and end the marriage.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I wonder if the roles had been reversed if you would have been so forgiving. It is pretty obvious that you have very little respect for you new husband.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Many cheaters use the heightened thrill from their cheating ways itself as justification to do it and/or continue it, because for them the sexiness is incomparible. It is risky, and that causes endorphines and good feelings to be associated with that discourteous (to put it mildly) behavior. Basically you are getting your jollies from knowing that you are being bad to your spouse.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And what about remorse? I'm thinking your husband decided to forgive and forget too easily and you've lost respect for him because he stayed with you despite your blatant disregard for your relationship when you chose to cheat.
> 
> If you think hard about it, didn't you loose a lot of desire and respect for him because he accepted the hateful action?


It's less likely for a woman to keep on respecting her cheated-on man unless he acts tough, does the 180, demands respect and gives hard consequences. Her husband should have acted like someone worthy of fighting for.. instead of someone she could easily have again after the affair. 

If I were the OP that's how I'd feel, I guess.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sunflower88 said:


> i am newly married, only three months since the day, however i have been with my partner for 7 and a half years. during the build up to my wedding, roughly three months before the day, i had a one night stand with a friend of my cousins. i confessed to my partner and a long story cut short, we agreed to continue with the relationship and the wedding. i am happy to still be with my partner and do love him, but recently the thought of what happened has come back to me in an uncomfortable way. i have a mix of feelings concerning what happened, i still feel guilty, yet *the thought of what happened also sadly excites me. I dont understand why i feel this way and why these feeling have begun now*? Is this normal, does it mean i want to cheat?


Are you having a letdown after the wedding day? Planning for the BIG DAY frequently goes on for a year or longer, focusing on every detail being perfect. Many young women dream of that day and how perfect it will be since they are young teens or even pre-teens, and are even planning some of it in their head before then.

I think sometimes it takes the focus off of problems in the relationship that are there prior to the wedding. In your case, you cheated three months before the wedding, AN ADDITIONAL SIGN that something was wrong with your relationship OR YOU before the wedding.

Cheating by either party three months before the wedding should cause the wedding to be delayed. I guess a lot of money goes into a wedding and there is a large level of embarrasment that would be involved, so people go ahead and get married anyway, even though the cheating is a HUGE RED FLAG. People who cheat three months before a wedding are not ready for marriage.

What is missing from your relationship with your husband that you are thinking about this guy? I guarantee you that it is NOT THIS PARTICULAR GUY. He is nothing special. This is about YOU and something you either are not getting from your husband or missing from your relationship. Maybe it is something missing from YOU.

You have to figure it out. Then take steps to fix it. Whatever you do, don't cheat. If married life is not for you, get an annulment, file for divorce, whatever, but don't cheat.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

sunflower88 said:


> i had a one night stand with a friend of my cousins.


Does your BH know who the OM is?

Have you and BH maintained NC, no contact with the OM?

Did your cousin know you and OM were going to hook up and do anything to stop it, and or did they encourage you to have a ONS?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Sun, it is not good. No other way to put that. You and espicially him should have called off the wedding. The fact you are thinking about it in a positive way says it all. It is just a matter of time for you. The worst is yet to come.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Reading the original post brings only two words to mind. Husband and fool.


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## sunflower88 (Jan 6, 2013)

Thank you every one for your comments and suggestions. There are some points made in particular that have given me food for thought. In regards to the decision to continue with the wedding, myself and my husband had numerous discussions and reached a mutual agreement to continue. I feel that some of this was down to the issue of saving face in front of both our families, in particular for my husband. In relation to the comments on the issue of my husbands forgiveness, i would not say that i am completely forgiven, my husband stated that he chose to stay with me because of his feelings for me, which despite what happened were still present, however as can be expected, the trust is still on a minimal basis at the moment. Honesty i am scared about the feelings i am having, i do not understand them because i do not want to cheat on my partner again, i do feel remorse and guilt. i would like to pick up on the comment made on the possibility of something missing from my relationship or even myself, i am unsure if there is anything missing from myself, but maybe there is part of myself i have only just discovered, a part of me that i do not want.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You already have and the problem is he let you in ways. The fact you are thinking of it in a positive tone is bad to say the least. When you have tough times, it will come back out.

Yes you are missing something within yourself. 

Your husband forgave too soon and will have even worse heartbreak later when you do it again,


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You really need to get into some counselling and get to the root of this "feeling" before it becomes so strong that you have another "one night stand".


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

It is not uncommon for a cheating wife/gf to do things with the affair partner that they did not do with the marriage partner. Often because they are not as concerned about being respected by the affair partner.

In a sense you may have discovered your inner $lut.

Now that she is lose she wants out.

Bring her into your marriage most husbands would love it and you will be more fulfilled.
This is part of who you are as a woman.
Talk to hubby about being a little more edgy.

Focus on your relationship put your energy there.

Dont be ashamed of your needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

you're bored. not uncommon after 7+ years of marriage. As for wanting to cheat, I don't know. You can be taken by sexual thoughts without it meaning that you WANT to pursue these things. But I think the fact that you are asking means that at least you have a strong urge to have sex or some kind of relationship with another man.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Whatever you both do -- don't start a family till you both work this out. A baby will not fix anything.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

sunflower88 said:


> Thank you every one for your comments and suggestions. There are some points made in particular that have given me food for thought. In regards to the decision to continue with the wedding, myself and my husband had numerous discussions and reached a mutual agreement to continue. I feel that some of this was down to the issue of saving face in front of both our families, in particular for my husband. In relation to the comments on the issue of my husbands forgiveness, i would not say that i am completely forgiven, my husband stated that he chose to stay with me because of his feelings for me, which despite what happened were still present, however as can be expected, the trust is still on a minimal basis at the moment. Honesty i am scared about the feelings i am having, i do not understand them because i do not want to cheat on my partner again, i do feel remorse and guilt. i would like to pick up on the comment made on the possibility of something missing from my relationship or even myself, i am unsure if there is anything missing from myself, but maybe there is part of myself i have only just discovered, a part of me that i do not want.


It fascinates me how people will make a vow before God, family and friends and take it so lightly. Or how someone will totally Fvck with another persons life by waffling on a huge life changing thing like a marriage. 

Do him a favor and have this conversation you're attempting on here, with HIM. So he can move forward an find a person worthy of him.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Right now he is right not to trust you...but you naturally resent it (who likes captivity?)

This is feeding those feelings, but you are in a no win situation. If he trusts you, you might indulge. If he doesn't, he makes you resent him more.

YOU made this bed. See if someone wiser can square the circle.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

If you H gave you hard consequences and strong boundaries after you affair you wouldn't even be thinking a bit about the OM or even consider cheating again. These thoughts wouldn't be crossing your mind again now.


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