# Need a kind word...



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

OMG.
My STBXH just informed me that the whole mess was because I didn't understand him. It's my fault that he went through all his retirement account without telling me, put us through bankruptcy from gambling, and cheated on me for two years. 
And, it's my fault that the kids don't want to live with him. Not the fact that he spent the last three years ignoring them except to yell when they didn't do what he wanted. (Since he was unemployed for three years, he was the stay at home parent.)
While I know logically that it wasn't my fault, I don't know if it's being female or just my personality, but I can't stopped this horrible nagging feeling that he's right. Maybe I did nag him too much to help out around the house. Maybe I did just decide things without asking him too often. Maybe maybe maybe. I'm trying really hard not to give in to the panic.
All my normal support system are totally unavailable tonight, so someone please tell me that I'm not a terrible person, and that I'm not a horrible mom.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I don't know if you're a terrible person or mom, bit you didn't make him cheat on you or gamble away all your money. Beating yourself up over that is a waste of strength you'll need.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Drover said:


> I don't know if you're a terrible person or mom, bit you didn't make him cheat on you or gamble away all your money. Beating yourself up over that is a waste of strength you'll need.


Exactly what I was going to say.

HE did those things by choice. NOT your fault. No no no :nono:

Screw that guy.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

It's not fair to yourself to allow him to push all the blame on you..NO WAY! people that do bad things like have affairs feel so guilty alway want to throw the blame at their spouse. Trust me..I had an emotional affair and during that time I kept on and on. about how bad he was to me..now that I came clean and am reconcilling with my hubby I see so many ways I also made our marriage bad..my gosh I ignored him and treated him like a plant for crying out loud. He for a little bit did think he was all at fault but now we are both working hard on our marriage...THERE IS ABSOULUTLY NO EXCUSE FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR...THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. There are other ways he could've handled things. Stay strong, get marriage counselling and damn it do not blame yourself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm sorry you said stbx...that means you're already getting a divorce? Anyway, it sounds like you were the logical one in the marriage. Don't take his crap, you deserve better!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> I'm sorry you said stbx...that means you're already getting a divorce? Anyway, it sounds like you were the logical one in the marriage. Don't take his crap, you deserve better!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes... The divorce will be final in April. I begged him to try counseling, or even to just give me six months. But he said there's no point in even trying. He loves me but he wants her too and if I can't deal with that he wanted out.


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## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

If your kids want to live with you, that doesn't sound like you're a terrible mom does it? It is typical for wrong doer to blame everyone else for their bad choices. You have to ignore these beat downs from him. He is immature and made his own mess. Keep your chin up and don't let him play mind games with you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is up to him to take his share of the responsibility. You are only obliged to take your share, learn and then move forward.

Do not take on board his blaming you, if that was how he felt he should have stood up and discussed it with you. 

Just keep breathing, be strong and know that there is an amazing life out there. Do not let him bring you down.

Lots of strength and good wishes to you.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm sure divorce is scary and I'm so sorry : ( sounds like you need lots of hugs. Listen be glad that you will be rid of him, he doesn't deserve you after all the crap he's pulled. You will be ok. It will take time but some day you will be happy with him out of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Thank you all. (Trying not to cry right now, but not cause I'm sad, but because I really appreciate all of your support.)
I've got two great kids, and I am going to be fine.
Thanks


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

He sounds like a selfish pr. Blows his retirement on the QT...gambles his way to bankruptcy...cheats for 2 years and then expects you to put up with his cake-eating if you want a marriage.The fact he tries to put all this on you is laughable.You're well rid of this albatross around your neck.One of the woman in another forum gave some advice once that might be appropriate here....next time he tries his nonsense,look him in the eye,hold your head up and hold your middle finger higher.Take care.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Of course he blamed you its way easier than looking in the mirror. Its the classic well if you were a nicer spouse I wouldn't have cheated. Really? Or how about you made me spend all that money. Did you hold a gun to his head or something? LOL

Try to laugh at how rediculous and pathetic he sounds. To quote that_girl what is he 5?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Good riddance. Should you want another man in your life, next time make it adult because adults accept responsibility even when it's not pretty.

We all have failings and sure, you have yours. But in the end, he made the choices and all of them were probably against what you would have chosen had he clued you in.

Way back before all the crap happened he had a chance to express that he didn't think you understood him. He could have spoken up instead of clamming up and blame shifting.

Congrats on being rid of that.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You need to stop focusing on your STBXH and your failed marriage and focus on yourself and your kids. You need to get over him and move on emotionally.

You need to act like a mother and be there for your kids. 

Enough about him. When you step in dog sh*t you don't examine it, poke it or smell it. You scrape it off your shoe and keep walking.


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## eldubya (Aug 23, 2012)

Hello Luonnotar :
Don't listen to those tapes that say "you are not good enough" and "its all your fault". You will soon have your freedom. Use that freedom to be yourself and love others as you would like to be loved. You have paid for that freedom dearly and earned it!


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Whoa, Freak, love the dog do analogy. I understand how hard it is to move away from what the person you loved and tried to be loving to, says to you. You take it very much to heart, just like I did. I am learning to be kinder to myself, take care of myself and my kids, nurture my healthy relationships. It doesn't make any sense, what he says about you is obviously far from the truth. Take each day as it comes, do something affirming, for yourself everyday. And run from him as fast as you can


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