# So it begins



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

So I am now looking for a place to live. My wife announced last night one of us have to leave soon. This comes several days after she first told me she "wasn't in a good place about us" and I gave her a couple of days to herself, as asked, to think it through.

We've been married not quite three years, together for two. When I met her, my now stepson, who I call my son, was not yet 1. He see's his biological father every weekend. And now we'll have to sort out my own stuff.

I understand why she feels the way she does - she's outlined it in great detail. I have been repeatedly dishonest with her - no infidelity or abuse or anything - but doing things I know she didn't like, getting caught, promising to change but doing it again. The funny thing is since the last time we went through that, I can honestly say I haven't done anything for which I would need to be dishonest.

She says I was never intimate enough (there's shame for you) - that I was bad with our money (which I was) - that I didn't give her time she needed. I also am a recovering prescription pill addict - clean since November.

She says she does not see the relationship working long-term; that she doesn't believe I can change (the track record isn't great, I admit); and that any changes that might come won't last. 

I, of course, do not want to get divorced. She says she is at her end and has no hope. She has grudgingly agreed to one marriage counselling session, which isn't for 2 weeks.

In all of this I realize one main thing — I have been unhappy for years, even before we met and married. I found happiness in her but I now know that isn't fair. I need my own happiness. I shook off friends, stopped doing things I enjoyed and just hung on her. I plan to change that. 

But in all of this I want the two of us to work on our stuff (which she admits she has) together. I want to "divorce" the old and work towards something new because I think our son deserves it, not because "we need to stick it out for him," but because he deserves our very best, our hardest work. She says she can't.

I am trying to keep my distance for now, look for a new place to live and start my own process. I just wish the two of us could heal together.

I'm now almost 35-years-old with nothing to show for it — never owned a home, no savings, and I'll probably have to find some sort of roommate situation. All I can see is a torturous road ahead. I want my own happiness but I still want her. 

And therein lies the conundrum.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, my dear Journo. Yes, bad days indeed, and they'll get worse. But you are realizing that you need to work on yourself, and hard. That's a big breakthrough, and better now than later.

Concentrate on that. And keep posting here, lots of good folk with good advice.


----------



## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

You can "keep your distance" and work on yourself while not having to burden yourself with moving. Were you planning to move before she angrily announced it last night? She can move if she wants.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> You can "keep your distance" and work on yourself while not having to burden yourself with moving. Were you planning to move before she angrily announced it last night? She can move if she wants.


I was preparing for the possibility. In terms of the move, my biggest concern is keeping my son's life as normal as possible. Both he and my wife are on summer holidays now, while I still work. For my son, while I still plan to be in his life, I think his life is best kept normal if I leave.


----------



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

journo123 said:


> So I am now looking for a place to live. My wife announced last night one of us have to leave soon. This comes several days after she first told me she "wasn't in a good place about us" and I gave her a couple of days to herself, as asked, to think it through.
> 
> We've been married not quite three years, together for two. When I met her, my now stepson, who I call my son, was not yet 1. He see's his biological father every weekend. And now we'll have to sort out my own stuff.
> 
> ...


Really quickly.

What claim do you have to that child? I don't follow. The biological father see's the child every weekend. If you get divorced, you think the mother is going to split up her time with you?


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

She and the biological father had a child by accident as they were breaking up (never married). I met them when he was 10 months old. He has taken my last name. My wife has promised I will be present in his life.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

But I did not adopt him. And I did not pursue a legal application for guardianship. But I have been involved in every facet of his life.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

And now friends are starting to phone. And family. My father wants me to lawyer up right away, get bills, count stuff. I mean this hits everyone. Not just myself, my wife and my son, but also our parents, our families and friends and even our co-workers. 

How could I have been so selfish? When she spoke up, why didn't I hear what she said? Why does it have to come to an extreme point like this, where you stand to lose so much of what you wanted, to wake you up?


----------



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

journo123 said:


> She and the biological father had a child by accident as they were breaking up (never married). I met them when he was 10 months old. He has taken my last name. My wife has promised I will be present in his life.


I am just being honest with you, but do not count on this. If what she says it true, you might be seeing the child a few times a month at the most and if she moves on to another man eventually, how are you going to fit into that relationship? You won't. 

You have no claim to that child. If you didn't adopt the child I do not understand how the child took your last name unless you just changed the child's name at ten months old? Why did you do this and not adopt the child? 

What are the odds she is seeing someone else currently? If she doesn't want to be with you there is nothing that you can do to change that. She has to be the one who wants to stay and you have pushed her away to a point where she doesn't want to anymore. 

The best thing to do right now is to give her the space and do not sulk and be needy. Go about your business and live a completely separate life. You have told her that you want it to work.

If you pursue and sulk here you will become completely unattractive to her. If there is someone else, that has to end before you can make things work.

Focus in on you, make yourself a better person, begin the grieving process and move on.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

journo123 said:


> But I did not adopt him. And I did not pursue a legal application for guardianship. But I have been involved in every facet of his life.


Well done. Or else you would ahve been stuck with child support for the next 18+ years.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am doing my best to sulk in private. Her decision is made, so all I am left with is what I can do. I asked her if there is someone else. She said no and I believe her. She has never given me a reason not to. If there is, well, so be it.

I am from Canada, FYI and adoption/guardianship rules may be somewhat different. We sought and received his biological father's permission to change his name. But he made it clear he would not consent to adoption. And, with us being starry-eyed and madly in love, we never thought it would be necessary. And yes, I recognize the potential awkwardness in what could be if she remarries, if I remarry. I tried to make that point when I was doing all the things they say you never should (arguing, crying, etc) - that it could add to his confusion later in life. He already knows he has two dads, but doesn't yet know why.

And yes, maybe I will only get a few days a month but I'm still going to be the best father I can. This is going to be hard enough on him.

I have acknowledged I need to improve myself, drastically so. I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow night. I've already set a goal for myself to do something I've always talked about but never done. I am going to quit smoking. I want to stop doing all the things that make me unhappy and find what will make me happy.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Well done. Or else you would ahve been stuck with child support for the next 18+ years.


I plan to support my son as best I can, even though she makes more than I do.


----------



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Well since you are from Canada I know you have a long and terrible road of a year long separation to attend to.

This is going to be complicated as hell for the child. That is what really concerns me. This child is going to have potentially three father figures in its life. I am not going to judge one way or the other because who knows what is best. 

However, 

Do you love this child enough to know that stepping out of the picture, if it comes to that, may be the best thing for him? Just a thought.

Lastly

You need to seriously completely let go of her and work on you. Do the 180. 

You need to love yourself in order to love gods creatures.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Yes. I brought that up as a point, that I was willing to do that. She said that would be a tragedy for him. 

Maybe the future will dictate different circumstances. But I love my son.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

And now the real fun begins because I just found out that by separating I will have to declare bankruptcy! I had a creditor's agreement I have been paying for five years but they jacked the monthly payments to the point where rent and this payment would take up 85 per rent of my income.

And I am torn. Wife is away tonight, took our son to the inlaws, then decided to stay overnight, likely bashing me to her family. But at least I got to see my son get his orange Tae Kwon Do belt tonight.

I don't know what to do now. By virtue of my job (hint is in the handle), I seek out information on situations with which I am unfamiliar. But I don't know what to read. Do I read the "Stop your divorce even if your spouse doesn't want to!" book? or do I get stuff on guiding myself through the journey? 

Does anyone know any good books by the way on this topic?

And as for focusing on me, where do I begin? Any thoughts?


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Now one of my "friends" has apparently called my wife and told her I think she is cheating on me. I don't believe that. But my wife doesn't believe me and won't tell me who said it. How do I handle this? Please?I am phoning friends but am getting little response so far.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Nothing you can do about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

But she's so hurt and angry when I haven't done anything. She's even deleted her FB page because she thinks I'm going to start taking all this out on her there. How do I get her to believe me that I never said anything like that?


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

journo123 said:


> But she's so hurt and angry when I haven't done anything. She's even deleted her FB page because she thinks I'm going to start taking all this out on her there. How do I get her to believe me that I never said anything like that?


She is persecuting the sh!t out of you to try and nail you to the wall. Once nailed, you're putty in her hands.

If she doesn't want to be with you, then you have to try as hard as you can to not give a crap what she says or thinks about you.

It will drive you bonkers .. trust me, I've been making that same mistake for the past 2 weeks here and there and I'm 4 months in.

Doesn't want to tell you? Tell her that's okay, and end the conversation there. What else can be gained if she won't believe you, nothing.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Found out who did it. Sounds like part nosiness, part overreation by my wife and part telephone game.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

So I spoke with wife today about this rumour about me thinking she's cheating on me. Had a gentle talk, without getting into the bigger stuff. In the end she said she believed me. Considering how trust and my dishonesty is the central issue, it's a minor victory for her to say that. 

It's weird how you can find yourself straying into the bigger stuff without trying, eh? I had to catch myself several times from getting into the big issues. Because it serves no purpose at this point. She is entrenched in how she feels. I can't argue her out of that. 

Looking for a new place is depressing — $950 (Canadian) for a 1-bedroom dump? $625 a month to live with three other people plus one kid in a reasonable house? There's only two people I want to live with — my wife and my son. Otherwise, I want a half-decent place to myself that can also accommodate my son.

I think I finally started the focus on me part today. Well, actually I started a few days ago. I've always wanted to run a triathlon but as a 300-lb, pack-a-day smoker never bothered getting around to it. So I've decided to run a mini triathlon (half a sprint) Aug. 12. I've run, biked and swam this week and it has helped. The endorphins are a benefit in this whole process.

Bed time is the worst. She always went to bed before me and was usually asleep. I would slide into bed beside her, gently kiss her and then listen to her as she slept. It tears at me now. Now she goes out until I go to bed.

Son comes back from the in-laws tomorrow and not sure what we're going to do. I guess we'll have to decide that when he gets home. She wants time with him, I want time with him....and so it begins, right?

I can honestly say this was the worst day so far. And I've been told it will just get worse. How motivating.


----------



## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

I think that if you read up on the "180" it may help you to seperate yourself from pushing her further away with your neediness and wanting of forgiveness. That way you can focus on getting yourself better. Believe me I'm not a pro at the 180, but I still trying to grasp it's concept everyday. I may backtrack and forget along the way that I need to control my urges to contact my H, but it only can make things better, right? Get yourself in order and good things will follow because you are going to be the best person you can be, whether it's for her or some other lucky lady in your future. That's what I'm trying to tell myself everyday " I'm going to be the best that I can be and prove my H wrong! I can be happy and I can feel good about myself! Take care journo123!


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

I found the 180 rules, but they seem specifically focused on individuals whose spouse has had an EMA. While some seem beneficial, some seem counterproductive. I agree there is a need to clamp down on the neediness, but removing some of the little things that we just used to typically do in the way of conversation seems like just shutting down. Is there something I am not getting or seeing?


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Well more news, because it seems every day there is something new. At least today it's not as consuming as yesterday. Last night, as she has for the last two nights our son has been away, she slept somewhere else ... started as "Going out. Don't wait up" text to "Staying over" text. 

Two things out of this — 1). My wife is obviously so unhappy/uncomfortable at home she doesn't want to be there if she has to. So I replied with an email saying that, until I can find a place, I will sleep in the basement or the other room. 2). The best response to texts like these is "ok." That's all. Looking at anything else, even a replying "Have fun" could be easily misinterpreted, no matter what emoticon you use. So that's how it will be for the forseeable future for me, I've decided.

Then this morning, I woke up to a series of text messages asking me to call her. She texted she wants us to stay under one roof for the month of July for "financial reasons." I wasn't going to call at first, as she was at work, I had to go to work (at which I've been largely ineffective to date) and given yesterday's drama, just didn't seem like a good time to have such a discussion. So I didn't reply at first. But curse technology and being able to see if someone has read your text message or not - she texted again repeatedly. So I gave and called. I let her give her shpeel, then said we could get into the details later, that I had to focus on work and we could talk later. 

She is off with our son for the (Canada Day) long weekend now. I went back and forth on that but ultimately, they're on summer holidays and I am not. She had a hell of a year, our problems not withstanding, and our son could use some fun. 

So I have the Canada Day weekend to myself. And I plan to use it for my enjoyment, my focus, my change. I'll spend some time with my son tonight before they leave, then sit down for a little Canadian Football (three downs, 110-yard field, defence chugs a beer for every first down it allows), yardwork, friends and time with parents Saturday, a little work on Sunday and helping a friend move Monday. And in between I've got a running and cycling to do to train for my try-a-tri. If I feel awful, I will have the room and space to feel awful.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

I find so much of the advice, guidance and so on conflicting. I see the merit in the 180. I see that I have to change instead of saying I will change. I see that I need to improve myself first, not us. 

But how are we to discuss our problems when some advise not discussing them? How are we to rekindle intimacy if we're not touching? How am I supposed to share points about letting go of the past and so on if I'm supposed to avoid the deeper subjects? How are we to pursue mutual interests if we're to limit our time together? How are we to spend "15 minutes connecting" if it is going to be counterproductive?

Do any of these "miracle divorce busters" on the web work? The "three things to say to your spouse that will change her mind" for $49.99 CDN? Am I supposed to "agree with everything she says" because it will make her less wrong about her feelings? 

This is where part of my problem comes from in this — when there's a question, an issue, a problem, I do research, I consume whatever I can find. But it all seems to collide and conflict in this case, which is further eroded by my emotions. I recognize I did a few things wrong when this all first broke — I cried in front of her, I tried to reason with her, plead, beg and implore. I tried to stress the good stuff. I tried for reassurances and at first I kept saying I love you like I always had. OK, no more of that. So what now? We see the counsellor July 11 - and in the interim? 

I accept my responsibility in all of this - my dishonesty eroding her trust, spending irresponsibly, not giving her the affection she wanted. I told her I would get a t-shirt with "IT'S ALL MY FAULT" in big letters on the front and with all the reasons on the back. It's funny how the human mind reacts. Her response? "I don't want you to get a t-shirt." Oy.

My psychologist, who had to cancel our much-anticipated appointment last night because she lost her office keys, did give me 15 minutes on the phone. She said my homework was happiness - what makes me happy? REad about it, google it, think back to when I was 5, 7, 16, etc and what I did that made me happy? I explained my conflict over the books I feel I should be reading - the "Divorce Buster" type books or the "Grieving through your divorce books." She did her little magic and in the end I was saying I want to continue the "Divorce Buster" books. I still hold out some hope. I recognize that, for myself, regardless of the outcome, I have a hell of a lot of work to do. But I still have some hope. Right now it's really all I have.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Just broke rule 16. Dammit. Albeit the circumstances were different - wife and son are off on their long weekend road trip. When my wife left for the trip, she texted "We'll talk on the weekend?" I replied she was under no obligation to call. She texted again "I'll keep in touch." I replied again I was not asking or expecting it, unless our son wanted to talk to me.

So of course less than an hour into their trip she calls, saying my son wants to talk to me. He and I talk a bit, says he loves me and misses me. Asks where he's going. I hear my wife say it's a surprise. Son hands the phone back to my wife and, whether it was the protective instinct on wanting to know where they are going or what, I don't know. But I asked where they were going. All she said was, "a few places." So I said "drive safe, bye" and as I was hanging up, heard her ask, "so we'll stay in touch?"

I stewed for a few minutes then texted her back, apologizing for ending the phone conversation abruptly because I thought it was over, re-iterating that she is under no obligation to call but that son can call if he wants and apologizing for asking where she was going. She replied that her family knows.

It's so hard not to fire off a blistering text, like "I'm your f****ing family!" But I'm holding it together, exercising my restraint. I've resolved not to call her at all while she was away per the 180 rules and secretly hope she doesn't call. I don't know what would we have to talk about. I don't want us potentially getting into heavy stuff over the phone. I just want her to go have her freedom and fun for the weekend, for my son to have a great time. And we'll see what happens when they get back.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

If YOU do not want to talk to her until she gets back .. just tell her that man.

There is nothing wrong with talking to your son, but make the boundary that and only that.

"We can talk once you guys get back, have a good trip." .. all you really need to say.

By placing that boundary on her and not giving her the chance to contact you whenever SHE wants, just makes it that much more important to her later to speak with you.

Gives her that time to miss you. Having access to you whenever she wants .. does nothing in the long run.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Thanks man. Good call. Given her lack of interest in discussing anything to date, I don't understand the point of "keeping in touch" while they are gone. I highly doubt anything substantial is going to happen in her mind while she's gone.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

No calls, no texts, no nothing so far and it feels good. I miss my little guy, but I am able to focus on me for now. Struggled my way through a shamefully short run and am now flat on the floor waiting for the nausea and lightheadedness to dissipate. But it was worth it.

It's beautiful day out there - supposed to hit 25 C (Can't do the conversion off the top of my head - it's hot). Some yard work I have been ignoring because of being wrapped up in my own feelings, then indulging my frat boy side and going to see "Ted" with some friends. 

I have to say I am no exercise guru and am easily annoyed by people who repeatedly extoll the virtues of fitness. But this last week, the endorphins post-exercise have helped. Yesterday was a rest day where I wasn't supposed to work out and I could feel the change. In the evening, I crashed slightly. Got a little too wrapped up in trying to figure why she is acting the way she is and went to bed sad.

My dad emailed me this morning - he has anointed himself as my "coach" and told me i need to just get off my a##. We seldom agree on things but my parents separated for a time 10 years ago and they both went through some fundamental life changes that made them happier. They reconciled in the end. I hope for that - wife even commented earlier in the week why I was so against separating when it worked for my parents. It might not work for us. Trust me, we are not my parents. 

All I have right now is this hour, this day and I want to make the most of it. It goes back to my days when I was detoxing off the pills. But it sure helps. One minute, one hour, one day. That's all I have right now.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

I missed my wife this morning. Very much.

She is still off with our son on their little road trip to I-don't-know-where. Yesterday was a good day - I did the triathlon training I wanted to do, a bunch yard work, then went to see "Ted" with friends. Funny, except the main character is a 35-year-old (like me) who can't be trusted (like me).

But this morning I woke up determined to do what I what I had planned - long bike ride, some work, then hanging with a friend. It was pouring outside but I headed off on my bike onto a secondary highway out of town. At the halfway point I turned back. I went over a set of railroad tracks too fast and my back tire blew. Luckily I didn't wipe. 

But I was in farming country, five clicks from home, getting poured on. And I had no choice but to walk home. There were a few Good Samaritans that pulled over and offered a lift but I waved them off or told them my wife was coming to pick me up. It was, without a doubt, a pity party.

I had my phone with me - had my wife been home I could have called her to come and get me. But even if she was home, I don't know I would have called. I was sore, wet and starting to chaff, but I kept walking. I almost cried. 

I am trying to focus on me. I am trying to make the necessary changes not just to be a better husband but to also be a better man because this whole ordeal has underscored just how much change is required. Integrity. Honesty. Happiness. I have been lacking in all. And I had five clicks to think all about it, soaked to the bone, in the middle of nowhere.

And as I walked I truly hit a bottom. (Please note - what follows is not some sort of plan to kill myself; I have no such plans so no need to track me through my IP or something like that). But as I walked along that highway, busted bike in hand, at times I hoped one of those cars would hit me. Not kill me, just hit me, injure me, send me to the hospital. I wanted a physical pain that could be treated instead of this emotional anguish. 

But I missed her so much I was willing to resort to pity at that moment. Ending up in the hospital might bring her back to town, might get her to care for me or something. 

But of course that didn't happen and deep down I didn't want it too, really. After yesterday's high, today is a low. I look at the 180 rules and wonder what they will accomplish. I wonder if focusing on self-improvement is really the answer to the problem.

Her 30th birthday was two months ago. As she slept, I wrote out 30 stickie notes, each with a reason I loved her, and stuck them to the mirror on our dresser. They are still there. And now I want to replace them with 30 stickies of how I will change, of why she should change her mind, of just how much I love her. I want each one to note what I am ready to do better. But that would go against the 180 rules, right? No begging. No pleading. No gifts. 

We have a porch swing she wanted, but needs a cushion. I want so badly to find a cushion and say, "Here. I know you wanted this. Here it is. Love me."

But I know it's not that simple. I'm realizing changing yourself is the most difficult thing to do and I am only one week in. 

All I want is to be able to call her to come and rescue me from the side of road, in the middle of the storm. 

And I can't.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Today I miss her greatly. I have not been able to focus on me, focus on the now. All my thoughts have been wildly cast off into all the horrific scenarios of the future. There is no me, just us.

I broke a rule and called last night. Got her voicemail. I simply said I was calling to wish her and son a Happy Canada Day, that I missed them both and loved them both. I could say the message was for the benefit of my son who is delightfully clueless at this time, but that would be a lie. I just wanted to talk to her, like when we were dating. I didn't want to call and try to solve all our problems - I just wanted to talk. Of course she hasn't called back.

The calendar set me off today because I flipped it and saw all the things that will somehow change. Her sister's wedding is this weekend - I imagine I've been disinvited. We were supposed to take a road trip middle of the month. I imagine that;s not happening. 

I've kept the house clean. I've kept busy. I've read, I've written, I've exercised. And I am so anxious that I had to heavily medicate myself.

Fun times, these.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

Question: I've started working on a list of ... I call them commitments. Some are for me and me alone to be happier, to improve, but others are to address the problems I have brought to our marriage. 

So do I share these with her? Just the marriage ones? None at all? I've just been navel-gazing so much about what I want to change and some of it relates to us so do I share? Would it matter?


----------



## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

journo123 said:


> Question: I've started working on a list of ... I call them commitments. Some are for me and me alone to be happier, to improve, but others are to address the problems I have brought to our marriage.
> 
> So do I share these with her? Just the marriage ones? None at all? I've just been navel-gazing so much about what I want to change and some of it relates to us so do I share? Would it matter?


Wait until she asks.


----------



## journo123 (Jun 27, 2012)

So she came back for a bit last night to talk, see where I was. She wasn't wearing her wedding ring. 

The biggest challenge I've had in all of this is reading too much into things. My general rule of thumb now is just to accept this is an emotional time and stuff happens.

She wouldn't tell me where she'd been and I can understand why. I admit that, when I first noticed things were going askew I used the "Find my Phone" feature through iCloud to see if she was where she was and I admitted to that. I apologized. So she doesn't want to feel like I'm spying on her. And that's fine. It was my mistake. These are the consequences.

But she stayed and listened. I probably broke every rule in the book, except for begging, crying, but I laid out for her exactly what I was going to do. Some of her responses were expected and reasonable - "You've said that before." And she's right. I have and still failed. But I've had a bigger awakening in this. A lot of her complaints extend to other parts of my life. And I don't like them. So I've recognized the core parts of my life that need work.

I said everything I could. But she never got mad. And she never left. She never interrupted. She stayed for more than an hour and just listened. She said she's not sure she can get that feeling back. All I could was tell her what I was going to do, how I was going to be accountable for it and encourage her to be around to witness the change, both for myself and the changes I want to make to improve my marriage. 

In the end she left again. She seemed to be pondering a few points as she left, or maybe she was just tired. But she did acknowledge some benefit to us being under the same roof. And when I pointed out her sister's wedding this weekend and if I was going, she said "I don't know. I'll think about it." Not a categorical no.

Today I have felt great. Whether it was the morning run or a good night's sleep, I have felt amazing all day. There's a chance she'll be back with our son tonight - when I stopped in briefly at home there was laundry everywhere. But even if I have to sleep in the basement for a while, I want her to be here, to see what I am doing and to also work on her own stuff, where we can talk. When we went through this period in the fall, I slept in the basement for a week. But as every day went by, she opened something up until I was rubbing her back every night as she got ready for bed. And as I rubbed, we talked about everything. 

I feel like an idiot for not addressing the bigger problems then. And I don't know what to expect when I get home. Like I said, I feel the best I have felt today in years, I think because I think I have some new perspective on me, on us. 

I don't know what will happen when I got home. Part of me expects to be shattered. But the sense of hope I have held onto this last 10 days has grown. I don't know if it's realistic. I know there is a lot of healing that has to take place and we still have our work to do, individually and collectively.

But right now I feel so good. So I'll take it.


----------

