# Almost Recovered...are you out there?



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I know that's a strange title for this thread, but I need to talk to you, *Almost Recovered*. I'm not sure how to send a private message so here goes.....

I read your entire story and it could almost be my story exactly. 

You have helped me more than anything through this process. I have almost given up except for your encouragement. So thank you for that!

I am thinking of doing something and I need your advice. Things are going very well, and we are progressing as well or better than can be expected. I have a nagging feeling that I didn't allow my husband the closure that he needed with this woman. I have no reason to believe he is still involved with her. He has shown no signs of that. He is trying very hard and our sex life is better than it's ever been! I truly believe it has aided us in our healing process. I am thinking of purchasing a throw away cell phone and texting my husband and pretend to be this OW. I want to tell him I am in town ask him to meet me just one more time to say good bye etc. I know everywhere they went, so I could suggest one of those places. 
If you recall from my story, I found out about the affair and confronted him. I so wish he would have ended it on his own. But he didn't. Do I do this? Do I try to set him up and see what he does? He has promised me he will tell me if she tries to contact him in any way. Do I just leave things alone and move on? He isn't very tech savvy so I don't think he will catch on to the phone number. He knows she recently changed her number. 

What's your opinion, *Almost Recovered*? I value it because I feel like you understand because our situations are so similar. 

Thanks!!!!

Other opinions are welcome too!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you want to send a PM to AlmostRecovered, go to the top of the page and click on 'User CP' and it will take you to the control panel. Under 'Your Control Panel', go down to 'Private Messages' and click on 'Send New Message'. That's it.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Snooping is one thing, lying and cheating (pretending to someone else) to confirm that your H isn't cheating or lying - I don't know....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I see my bat signal was lit up, will answer later today as I am mobile right now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Just my $.02 - there's a reason entrapment is illegal. I think you're creating a no win situation. If he shows up it's disaster - unless he tells you he knew it was you all along - then there will be major questions. If he doesn't show won't you always wonder if he didn't because he figured out it was you? And then there's his reaction if he figures it out. I'm the cheater in my marriage and I have zero issue with being completely transparent with my wife, but if I found her laying traps for me we'd have to talk about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

K.K. said:


> I have a nagging feeling that I didn't allow my husband the closure that he needed with this woman.


For starters, screw his closure. Early on, my wife mentioned she wanted closure with her OM, so I basically told her that if she had closure with him then she'll definitely be having closure with me as well.

NO CONTACT end of story





K.K. said:


> I have no reason to believe he is still involved with her. He has shown no signs of that. He is trying very hard and our sex life is better than it's ever been! I truly believe it has aided us in our healing process. I am thinking of purchasing a throw away cell phone and texting my husband and pretend to be this OW. I want to tell him I am in town ask him to meet me just one more time to say good bye etc. I know everywhere they went, so I could suggest one of those places.



To say similar tactics haven't crossed my mind would be a lie. But fortunately I thought it through and I believe it's a bad idea.


let's run thru the scenarios-


1) he's been faithful since dday and has indeed had no contact

A) he ignores the text and tells you of it- a good scenario (but see later why it doesn't tell you anything)
B) he sees the text and responds in a moment of weakness- now you know he is weak enough to respond if she tries to fish, however, you have put him in an entrapment scenario - he will have some moral ground to stand on if he figures it was you. Worse yet, his endorphins start to get churning and he re-establishes contact on his own after he is angry over the entrapment. That said, it is his choice if he does this and while it is a good thing to know if your R isn't strong enough to weather such an event, it isn't worth the risk. Would you offer a cigarette to someone who just quit 2 weeks ago? Why tempt him into doing something he may not be strong enough to do at this point?
C) he ignores the text but doesn't tell you- a mixed bag here, he is demonstrating that he wants nothing to do with her yet at the same time he is shielding you from the truth. But again it will tell you nothing as I will explain in the next scenarios.

2) he is still in contact with OW and still engaging in an affair

A) He contacts OW about the text since it confuses him and doesn't jive with recent contact. He then figures out is a trap by you and does EXACTLY THE SAME THING 1A
B) He is a technical dumbass and doesn't figure out it is her and responds as he normally would. Probably the only clear cut scenario that would bust him.
C) He isn't sure it is her or you. So he ignores it until he can see her again. This would be the same response as 1C, yet now you only have a fight about him not telling you of the text- now the real question would be if him not telling you of the text is a deal breaker. You will always be in doubt as to whether or not he is still seeing her or if he is just trying to protect you and/or avoid his own guilt.



thus most scenarios are worthless and the risk outweighs the benefit


However-

there are better ways to verify

keep up with VAR's, keyloggers, phone monitoring, gps, etc. until you feel safe about it


It's okay to spy and if your R is a good one then he will be just fine allowing you to prove that nothing is going on. Your hyper-vigilance will slowly fade, you will have some bad days and some good days. Eventually you will get bored and begin to trust more. 


It takes a truly evil mastermind to fake a good R and keep an underground affair if the BS knows what to look for. Look for the real signs aside from spy verification- true remorse, transparency, willingness to talk and open up, being honest in all aspects of what he does, demonstrating true love and caring, wanting to do what you need to feel better. All of that is incredibly hard to fake. A person engaging in a affair will slack off in the marriage because it's next to impossible to carry on two love lives like that. I'm sure a really small percentage of the population are psychotic enough and can do it. But don't live in fear of it.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks, Almost Recovered. I have no reason to believe that he is still cheating. I couldn't ask for a better husband. He is caring and loving. He waits on me and takes care of me. Our sex life is amazing. It's even better than it was when we were first married. He tells me he loves me and shows me that he loves me. He is completely transparent and is not trying to hide anything. He answers my questions, leaves his phone for me to see, and his computer is open at all times for me to see. He even deleted his facebook. I have no reason to believe that he is still cheating. I would just like to know if he would. I just can't let this go. We are just shy of 6 months out from D-day. Maybe I haven't given it enough time. Every little thing brings a trigger. 
I am considering going to the restaurant where he met her. I just want to sit there and have a meal. He is going to be out of town next week for 2 nights. He has planned this so I have complete knowledge of everything that happening on this trip (it's work related). My stomach is in knots. I just can't cope with all of it! I think I will go the the restaurant while he is away. I'm just not sure what to do.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well no wonder you're in a tizzy

you're in that 5-10 month stage of hyper-vigilance/paranoia that I also went thru and to make matters worse you have this 2 week trip looming over your head


consider the following-

1) when in a successful R where all of the good signs are there you are essentially recapturing or even improving a marriage. All of the important and fulfilling things are there- better communication, good sex, more affection, more signs of love, etc. Yet the flip side is that you now know that your spouse is perfectly capable of cheating and your spouse has recently caused you great pain by cheating. Thus you are in fear of losing what you have now regained, in many ways this fear is more overpowering than what it was like on Dday as you feel you have more to lose and the reality of the betrayal has sunk in. The fear is so overwhelming that you can't differentiate what is logically suspicious and what is anxiety or imagined fear. Arm yourself with facts and pay attention to actions more than words and apologies- know that when posters here describe false R that there were always big red flags- desire to rug sweep, no transparency, inability to tell all of the truth, complaints of invasion of privacy, telling the BS to get over it, etc. This along with the usual route of verification (var's, keyloggers, etc) should help you determine what is really going on if you allow yourself to think logically and with a clear head. Easier said than done, I know. 
2) So far your husband sounds like he is doing the right things about the trip (that is IF the trip couldn't have been avoided altogether or there was no way for you to go as well). Have him check in frequently, get a video chat app or skype if possible, make him do the hard work of contacting you and spending phone or text time with you. You're gonna need it for sure.
3) I'm not so sure going to the restaurant by yourself is a good idea- if you wish to conquer or reclaim a trigger then it is best done by having a good time there yourself and with your husband. Being there alone will not accomplish that.
4) Have family or friends keep you occupied during the weeks he is gone. Keep your self busy and occupied. An idle mind is the devil's playground and you will get worked up if you are sitting around doing nothing.


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