# Drinking Problem Support...



## hubbyintrubby

If your spouse believed that they had a problem with drinking (coping, self-medicating, etc), what do you think would be the best way to support them with handling their problem?


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## Openminded

I thought you were divorcing her? Is this her new way of reeling you back in?


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## hubbyintrubby

We are divorcing. This is based on a discussion of something occurring in my family of origin. My sister's husband has a drinking problem and she refuses to stop drinking herself because she's not the one with the problem. To me and others it seems like it would make sense to help him and support him in stopping, she would stop drinking too. But maybe that is off base.


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## notmyjamie

As the child of an alcoholic I think your sister's choice is a poor one and it makes me wonder if she, too, has a problem. If my husband or BF was trying to get sober, I would NOT be drinking in front of him. That's like the husband who calls his wife fat but offers her chocolate cake when she's trying to lose weight.


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## minimalME

When I was growing up, my mom did this with my dad. 

He was a recovering alcoholic who no longer drank, and she kept huge boxes of wine in the refridgerator and had a glass every night.

Even as a teenager, this felt wrong to me, and when I got married, I had no alcohol at my wedding, because I wasn't going to ask my dad to spend thousands of dollars so that other people could have a free bar.



hubbyintrubby said:


> My sister's husband has a drinking problem and she refuses to stop drinking herself because she's not the one with the problem. To me and others it seems like it would make sense to help him and support him in stopping, she would stop drinking too. But maybe that is off base.


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## hubbyintrubby

minimalME said:


> When I was growing up, my mom did this with my dad.
> 
> He was a recovering alcoholic who no longer drank, and she kept huge boxes of wine in the refridgerator and had a glass every night.
> 
> Even as a teenager, this felt wrong to me, and when I got married, I had no alcohol at my wedding, because I wasn't going to ask my dad to spend thousands of dollars so that other people could have a free bar.


See, to me, stuff like that almost guarantees relapse. Was that ever a problem for your father, the wine being there in the fridge?


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## minimalME

Not to my knowledge.

As far as I know, he's never relapsed or had another drink. I'm 53 now, so this was decades ago.

And, to be honest, I didn't worry about it.

My issue with my mom was more the disregard and disrespect - the lack of being supportive and willing to sacrifice.



hubbyintrubby said:


> See, to me, stuff like that almost guarantees relapse. Was that ever a problem for your father, the wine being there in the fridge?


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## hubbyintrubby

minimalME said:


> Not to my knowledge.
> 
> As far as I know, he's never relapsed or had another drink. I'm 53 now, so this was decades ago.
> 
> And, to be honest, I didn't worry about it.
> 
> My issue with my mom was more the disregard and disrespect - the lack of being supportive and willing to sacrifice.


Disrespect was the first word that came to my mind also. Thank you. I'm happy your dad was able to stay sober. Great accomplishment!


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## Openminded

Yes, your sister should stop drinking (IMO). But that doesn’t mean she will.


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## hubbyintrubby

Openminded said:


> Yes, your sister should stop drinking (IMO). But that doesn’t mean she will.


Right. My only advice was to set a boundary that said...when you choose to drink around me, I will be leaving for the night.....and leave it at that. Gives her the choice and he knows what to do when it happens.


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## kylanettie

Oh, I really know what you're feeling. My husband was also a gambling addict. I didn't find a better solution than bringing him to a psychologist.


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## Rowan

I'm a social drinker. I was once in a relationship with an alcoholic who'd been living in recovery for several years. Early on, he told that it was okay for me to drink around him but he'd prefer me not to bring alcohol into his house. I never drank around him. It wasn't hard, and didn't feel like all that much of a sacrifice. Because I cared about him, respected him and supported his continuing recovery. 

I wonder if your sister has a bit of an issue with alcohol herself, if she's unwilling to give it up for her husband's sake. Or, maybe their marriage is just in such a sorry state at this point that she isn't willing to do much of anything at all for his sake. In either case, choosing to keep drinking around him doesn't really bode well for either his recovery or their relationship.


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## hubbyintrubby

She basically holds the selfish standpoint that she's not the one with the drinking problem, so she should get to do whatever she wants when she wants. It baffles me, honestly.


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## hubbyintrubby

Do you think it's controlling...or a good boundary for my BIL to say "If you choose to drink, I don't want to be around you"...knowing full well my sister wants to be around him as much as she can be?


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## bobert

hubbyintrubby said:


> Do you think it's controlling...or a good boundary for my BIL to say "If you choose to drink, I don't want to be around you"...knowing full well my sister wants to be around him as much as she can be?


That's not controlling at all. Everyone needs to have boundaries, and for a recovering alcoholic, avoiding people who drink in front of them and are so selfish is clearly a good choice.

Everyone has rights to be treated with respect, to look out for themselves, to make their needs important, to say no without guilt, etc. Your BIL's needs are JUST as important as your sisters. Your BIL isn't saying that he will NEVER spend time with her, just that he won't do it if she's drinking. If your sister needs lots of time with him then she needs to respect his needs while getting hers met, ie. don't drink! Problem solved. If it's not that easy then she has a problem as well.

I have friends who are alcoholics or have otherwise stopped drinking and I choose not to drink around them. Why? Because I don't need to, it's not a sacrifice not to drink and it's really not a big deal. My wife used three medications to attempt suicide and while it's a bit inconvenient at times, those meds will never again be in my house. That's just what you do, unless you have a substance abuse problem or are just a terrible person. The only time I'd purposely drink in front of a recovering alcoholic would be to purposely be an ass.

It happens a lot, two spouses both have substance abuse problems but one ends up taking all the fault for it. It's easier to blame someone else or put all the attention on someone else, than yourself and your problems.


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## Openminded

That’s absolutely what your BIL should tell her. If she drinks then he’s gone (temporarily or permanently). When someone you care for has a problem you don’t complicate it.

She’s selfish and she’ll either adjust that or she won’t. It’s his choice what he does if she won’t adjust.


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## DesertRat1978

hubbyintrubby said:


> We are divorcing. This is based on a discussion of something occurring in my family of origin. My sister's husband has a drinking problem and she refuses to stop drinking herself because she's not the one with the problem. To me and others it seems like it would make sense to help him and support him in stopping, she would stop drinking too. But maybe that is off base.


If my wife was the one with the drinking problem, I would stop drinking at home. Not a big drinker but if I really needed one, would just venture out when I have alone time. For the addict, watching someone do it is excruciating.


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## PieceOfSky

notmyjamie said:


> As the child of an alcoholic I think your sister's choice is a poor one and it makes me wonder if she, too, has a problem. If my husband or BF was trying to get sober, I would NOT be drinking in front of him. That's like the husband who calls his wife fat but offers her chocolate cake when she's trying to lose weight.


I’d wonder that too. (Also as a child of an alcoholic.)

I’d also wonder, if she didn’t have a drinking problem herself, might she be subconsciously sabotaging his recovery, because she gets something (subconsciously) from him feeding his addiction. I think that is “a thing” many folks do to their troubled partners, in a variety of dysfunctional situations in relationships. (Might fall under the definition of “codependent”, not sure.)

IMHO, far best for her to be in her own IC to learn to address her behaviors that might be inhibiting his recovery, but primarily so she can recover her healthiest true self. Her behavior surely got warped by spending time with him and his addiction.

She should at least go to al-anon, and read up on codependency, if money is an issue.


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## member2012

I think one point to consider is that there isn't any reason that a person who wishes to be sober can't be sober for teh reason that somebody else is still drinking. There may be other reasons they are having a hard time quitting; if the addiction runs deep and long; if there are other addictions concurrently. And if they really can't handle seeing any alcohol around them, and some people/situations can't in their early stages, than they probably should be in a treatment center for a bit of time. But aside from extreme measures, when a person has decided they don't want to continue doing something, they wont. Whatever it may be. They will either migrate away from those that still drink or they will adapt to their new perspective and stick around. If they choose to fixate on what another person is doing and make that as the cause for their own inability to make the shift they claim they wish to make, then their claim to want to be sober lacks authenticity and it becomes apparent that they have other issues that need to be addressed. Once those other issues are faced, it will probably become much easier for them to become sober as well. But if they are relying on blaming their environment in order not to quit then they need to really look inside themselves and determine if quitting is really what they want to do. Quitting drinking will bring to light why one started in the first place and then one will either address what it was they were avoiding, finally, or they will go back/continue to drink so they can continue to avoid. But, instead of admitting they wish to continue to avoid, they will admit that it is somebody other than themselves who is preventing them from sobriety. Perhaps they are a long way off from committing if they are still looking for excuses. I hope my thoughts on this are helpful.


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