# Update and Asking for Advice: Would You Stay or Go?



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Some of this is a re-post

My boyfriend of 7 years and I have lived together for over 6 years in a home we co-own and basically function as if we were married. I/we have always considered our relationship to be great...we are very good friends and always want to be around each other. But things have been rapidly changing since September 16, 2010...

1st Incident, Summer 2010: Found a photo of a friend's wife on his laptop in which she was seductively posed. I confronted him about it and he reported that they were jokingly texting back and forth and it went too far (both individuals are known to be very obnoxious and extreme in their joking) and their joking sexual texts led her to send him a few photos. He didn't know how to react to not make her feel weird and also wanted to protect me, therefore he never told me about it.

2nd Incident, Late Summer 2010: Found out that he was communicating with a friend from work for three months via text, three or four phone calls, g-chat and at-work lunches etc. I was shocked in learning this because when I previously asked about her (prior to finding out about the communications), he reported to me that he "has not seen her in awhile" and "barely ever talks to her on text". I found over a thousand texts back and forth with her over the last three months. He is a person who texts and talks on the phone as often as a 13 year-old girl, but there were more communications with her than with any other person. After confronted, he maintains that they are "just friends"

3rd Incident, Summer 2009: After manipulating him into thinking I knew more than I really did about his texts, etc, he finally admitted to having lunch with a high school friend while I was at work, then going on a drive to the beach to talk and then having Facebook conversation with her in which she indicated she was interested in him. He deleted all of these. He continued to text with this woman on occasion both during the day and late at night.

4th Incident, Early 2008: He admitted to an incident of being hit on by a mutual acquaintance multiple times, one of which went as far as her kissing him. Also admitted to her coming on to him at their mutual friends house after the bars closed on two more drunken evenings.

There are several other incidents of texting and flirting scattered between these events. These reports came out over the course of 7 months through MUCH begging, manipulating, etc...yes, I snooped...yes, I am ashamed and embarrassed. I've become the jealous girlfriend. We used to talk about how we were glad how open and honest we were with each other....

sooooo....i know that many married couples experience long, full-blown affairs and recover.

but I am having a hard time seeing a future with someone I now have so little trust in...

what would you do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems odd that it's always them sending him pictures, or coming on to him...

Just saying...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

What would I do? If I was unmarried and had no kids, I'd leave. Plus I doubt you're getting the whole truth if you had to scrap to get this information. Leaving may spark your boyfriend to finally see that what he's doing is wrong and open his eyes, but it might not too. So I wouldn't bluff about leaving, if you decide to go, go. Or better yet, make him leave. 

Losing trust in your partner is such a difficult thing to overcome, I'm not even close to trusting my husband again like I did before his affair. I probably never will trust him like that again, which is hard for him too. I hope to someday get it back to where I don't have that nagging voice in my head questioning if he's really at the hardware store or really at his desk or really not in contact with OW. Once it's lost, you need the disloyal to be open and so fully transparent that you can rebuild again. It's going to take years.

Soooooo, I only have the strength to do this because of our two children and 15 years together, otherwise I might be too tempted to say, "Screw you and the OW you rode in on." 

Regardless of what I would do, you need to decide what you want to do. Your boyfriend's behavior is not really indicating that he's being open, honest, or respectful. So, I would consider those things heavily when deciding how to proceed. If those things change, then so can your plans. 

Recovery is possible, but it depends on both people wanting to make it work. Not to mention, lots of work. Wish you the best and hope you someday have that secure feeling again in a relationship. Either with your boyfriend or someone new. Good luck!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Saffron said:


> What would I do? If I was unmarried and had no kids, I'd leave. Plus I doubt you're getting the whole truth if you had to scrap to get this information. Leaving may spark your boyfriend to finally see that what he's doing is wrong and open his eyes, but it might not too. So I wouldn't bluff about leaving, if you decide to go, go. Or better yet, make him leave.
> 
> Losing trust in your partner is such a difficult thing to overcome, I'm not even close to trusting my husband again like I did before his affair. I probably never will trust him like that again, which is hard for him too. I hope to someday get it back to where I don't have that nagging voice in my head questioning if he's really at the hardware store or really at his desk or really not in contact with OW. Once it's lost, you need the disloyal to be open and so fully transparent that you can rebuild again. It's going to take years.
> 
> ...


I had a bf once who was just like this. I did some snooping and turned up a few things and when I really sneaky dug you wouldn't believe crap I found! Someone like that has different moral compass than rest of us. It won't get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

they call them "patterns" for a reason.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would leave. You're not married so you don't have to deal wtih teh headache that is divorce. 7 yrs is a long time but escape while you can.

He is a serial cheater--those are the worst kind. My bet is he's been unfaithful physically too (more than once)


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

assuming u dont REALLY know the answer & .....

....that u r indeed returning to read/comment, then.....

consult a lawyer to find out yer legal rights & moves in order 
to terminate this fella who basically has been helping himself
to all yer goodies/wares (basically, sorry:scratchhead that u
have to offer/share.

he's obviously looking for better, or to trade up, or to "have his
cake & eat it too". u keep confronting him, he lies/excuses it,
and will continue to do so as long as u r dense enuff to stick 
around/take it. consciously/unconsciously he must think he's
the luckiest man (wherever u both live).










.......................*MARRY HIM ?*.....................
Are u fat? are u dumb? are u desperate? (anything/something i forgot or left out?)

i wager that *NO, u r not fat. u r not dumb. u r not desperate!*
So why r u putting up with this for yrs and asking/telling us about it? U should know the ANSWER yerself, no?

"get yer buts outta the way" and get going whoever/wherever u are. 

tell us his sob story after u read him his rights and give him his
walking papers.


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## psionivy (Apr 4, 2011)

I understand 7 years is a long time and I am struggling with this right now. I have not yet decided what to do but I would like to make it work. I think you need to decided what you are willing to put up with. The thing with my man is I know it is not physical because she lives thousands of miles away and is married- but it is still not right - anyway I think for him its the ego boost and he has a low self-esteem and gets off on the fact that others might find your man attractive. I don't think that is anything you can help him with... give him a choice if you have not already- them or you


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

it is so hard for me to imagine gaining trust back...and it is so sad that I trusted so blindly before...

stupid me


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

we all do anon.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

You're not stupid, just trusting. I felt the same way. I trusted my husband 100%, it was seriously the one thing I thought I'd never have to worry about. I never knew that people with low self esteem are more likely to cheat or if they had a parent that cheated it's more likely they will too. Think there were other things mentioned in "After the Affair" that indicated what may make someone high risk for cheating. I had no clue my husband fit several of these when I married him.


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

I have to say it's hard to say unless you are actually in the situation... however, it does not sound to me like he is worried about your relationship, or lack thereof should you choose to end it. My guess is that the things you have found are just the tip of the iceberg... I would find out ASAP what exactly he's wanting out of the relationship. Can you see yourself going through this type of emotional torture for years to come? Can you see yourself having children with him (if you want kids)? Consider all of your options.


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## gottago (Apr 27, 2011)

Ok. I have been a lurker for a few months on these boards. And I just became a member because of your thread. PLEASE! Do not waste any more of your precious time w/ this person! He will not change. It'll always be a "something" you can't quite put your finger on. Always! 
What are my qualifications for advising you? I am divorcing a man who did the exact same thing as your man. You can't love him more and he'll stop. You can't be the perfect wife an he'll stop. You can't threaten, or get physical or any of that. He won't stop. You can't trust him. So you shouldn't even try. Cut your losses and run, girl! And be super thankful you caught on to his game before you were invested legally and familiarly, as I am. There's way better quality a human in this world...


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

you all are really putting it in perspective for me...all of this is so confusing. I am leaning toward leaving...but don't really have anywhere to go right away. I moved to his hometown 5 years ago, all my "friends" in the area are primarily also his friends. I am a teacher and can't leave my students before the end of the school year...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

stupid me.

When we argue and I talk about leaving, he always says he loves me, can't be without me, he will never do anything to hurt me again, blah blah blah...and I believe that he means it in the moment...but i also believe he may still be lying/deceiving or will lose sight down the road when I am no longer visibly upset and fall back into old patterns.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

may i suggest.....










a movie called Working Girl with Melannie Griffith & Harrison Ford as the main leads.

rent it or own it but watch it and i think u'll get the gist of
what she went thru with her ex-bf, as well as some other
themes which may or may not apply to u; looking to start
over again amongst other things.


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