# NOW he wants to fix our marriage??!!



## Egads (Dec 4, 2018)

Hi all. 
I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone and am really at a loss. I've been married to my husband for 14 yrs, together for 15.5 yrs, we have 3 kids (oldest is mine from a previous relationship, he adopted her as her bio dad has never been in the picture). Our problems first started 2 yrs in, due to money, his what I thought were little white lies, and jealousy (always accusing me of doing things with other guys and I've never given him a reason to think that). At first the money issues were he was spending his check before he even got home (silly stuff and gambling) then came a layoff and not just any lay off; he was unemployed for 2.5 years straight. During this time I had 3 jobs. He wasn't helping me at home while he had all that ample time either, he would spend the day playing video games or moping on the couch. I would get off work, pick up kids from school and daycare, come home cook, and go to next job. I finally told him I couldn't take it anymore and boom next day he got a job. He moved into his parents, we did marriage counseling for a short stint...counselour said she didn't need to see me any longer and just saw him for awhile. 

He moved back in then he and got a traveling job, but dependant on the weather so money was still an issue. I started a taxi service in our small town, what happened? He got a DUI (that would be #4 for him, 2nd while we've been together) He swears he wasn't driving, it was the other guy. I stopped the taxi service, for that and a few other reasons. Right after DUI, 1.5 yrs ago he landed a job that wasn't dependent on the weather and it is local, the pay wasn't the best but atleast it was steady work and overtime is available. 3 months into this job he stopped working overtime bc he didn't like his supervisor, I again picked up a second job. 

My 2nd job is a bartending gig and more often than not he will come sit and drink while I'm at work. I have repeatedly told him it makes O sense for him to come with me to work as 1) he should be at home with our kids and 2) it's defeating the purpose of me having a job making extra money to just turn around and pay off his bar tab. Over the years I have caught him in countless lies, usually ones that make himself look better, and ones I guess to make me jealous (like telling me he slept with acquaintances of mine) (before we were together, thing is I DO NOT CARE IT WAS BEFORE WE WERE TOGETHER so I don't know why he does that)). 

He also flips out if I don't answer my phone in a reasonable amount of time. Recent Example: I was at oldest daughters dance competition, he was at home with other 2 kiddos. I had my phone on silent he called several times, I happened to look at my phone and texted him saying I would call in a little bit. He replied "that's fine just wanted to let you know we're in the ER" of course I run out of the comp and call him back. He doesn't answer my calls and texts 10 min later saying they weren't in the ER it was just the only way to get me to call him back. He wanted to let me know he fed the kids. Feeding the kids is a gold star for him because even though he has his local job the ONLY thing he does around the house is take the trash bin to the street on trash day (he will do random things if I ask like change light bulbs etc). 

I am at the end of my rope with our marriage, each lie, his lack of effort, and the accusations he's thrown at me has widdled me down to a splinter...I just have nothing left to give. I woke up 2 weeks ago and he realized something was off - he asked what my deal was. I told him my "deal" is him - now he is in panic mode trying to win me over. He says he is going to start going to therapy to stop lying BUT not even 24 hours after him telling me this he straight up lied to my face. After I called him out he finally came clean. For the past 2 weeks he's been a TOTALLY different dad to our kids, he's been a good one, he's also been getting up and making me coffee, and doing dishes, laundry etc before he goes to work. Honestly though, although I guess it's a nice gesture it's a little too late. Now it's like a slap in my face. OHHH you DO you know how to have a decent conversation with the kids, load the dishwasher, why have you been holding out all these years. 

I know I am FAR from a perfect spouse I have allowed this behavior to continue to happen and although I have made it known that he should be picking up the slack, and I would appreciate it if he would get one of the projects he started 5 yrs ago done...I've never sat down with him and explained that if he didn't do those things I would eventually get fed up and walk away. He has been sleeping in the basement in our oldest daughters room, she comes home from college next week though, so he's going to have to find a new place to sleep. He has a couple of friends, but they're new friends and they both have different things going on at their houses so that's not an option and he has alienated his entire family. He is back on speaking terms with his mom, but not enough to move back in. A part of me feels guilty because he is trying now and has nowhere to go, but on the other hand, I can't continue to sacrifice my happiness just to appease him.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Going to be blunt here... your H is a loser. In all honesty you should have left in those first couple of years when he was spending his paycheck instead of taking care of the family! You have allowed this behavior all these years, unfortunately. But this is who he is, and even though he is currently on his best behavior, you HAVE to know that this is not going to last. Test it out.. tell him that you see how great he is doing and no longer have intentions of ending things. See how quickly he goes back to normal, I would bet within the week. He is not a partner to you, you have been raising your family on your own all this time. Stop the guilt that he has no where to go, he is a grown man and can figure something out for himself. 

By the way, the constant accusations of you cheating very likely means that HE is cheating. You should probably start some detective work!


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Egads said:


> Hi all.
> I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone and am really at a loss. I've been married to my husband for 14 yrs, together for 15.5 yrs, we have 3 kids (oldest is mine from a previous relationship, he adopted her as her bio dad has never been in the picture). Our problems first started 2 yrs in, due to money, his what I thought were little white lies, and jealousy (always accusing me of doing things with other guys and I've never given him a reason to think that). At first the money issues were he was spending his check before he even got home (silly stuff and gambling) then came a layoff and not just any lay off; he was unemployed for 2.5 years straight. During this time I had 3 jobs. He wasn't helping me at home while he had all that ample time either, he would spend the day playing video games or moping on the couch. I would get off work, pick up kids from school and daycare, come home cook, and go to next job. I finally told him I couldn't take it anymore and boom next day he got a job. He moved into his parents, we did marriage counseling for a short stint...counselour said she didn't need to see me any longer and just saw him for awhile.
> 
> He moved back in then he and got a traveling job, but dependant on the weather so money was still an issue. I started a taxi service in our small town, what happened? He got a DUI (that would be #4 for him, 2nd while we've been together) He swears he wasn't driving, it was the other guy. I stopped the taxi service, for that and a few other reasons. Right after DUI, 1.5 yrs ago he landed a job that wasn't dependent on the weather and it is local, the pay wasn't the best but atleast it was steady work and overtime is available. 3 months into this job he stopped working overtime bc he didn't like his supervisor, I again picked up a second job.
> ...


My guess is you didn't know he would continue to be more and more useless as opposed to a partner in marriage. Financial infidelity, lies (all same color to me), disrespect, etc. have killed your love for him--no need to feel guilty--he held the gun.

I agree with @3Xnocharm. Where do you wish to be in 5 years? Start now.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> By the way, the constant accusations of you cheating very likely means that HE is cheating. You should probably start some detective work!


Ugh. Why even BOTHER.

The guy is* SUCH* a pathetic loser, who cares what the hell he's doing at this point. He's completely and utterly useless and a complete failure as a human being.

Since it's illegal to throw him in front of a moving bus (unless you live in a country that allows this?) then your only other option is divorce. I hope you don't have to pay this loser alimony since you're the only one whose willing to work, but if it DOES come to that, then I'd look into the bus option again.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His inability to cope with life without you to hold his hand is not your problem. Right now he's "changed" because he's scared you're done. He's not going to keep it up. Let him go.


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

First you have four kids one is just bigger than the others. (him)

Why are you still with him I wonder ? Sounds like you are doing 
everything so why is he there ? Just relying on you and taking up 
space, eating your food. I thought maybe for the kids but he doesn't 
even do anything for them either. He is not an asset to the family but
a liability. DUI's and gambling, there is a chance you could lose everything
because of him.

The only other thing you should do for him is pack his stuff
and put him out. The next thing for yourself is divorce him, you have done 
to much all ready. This is not healthy for you or the kids. I am sure you 
could use the space and family assets he is currently wasting more productively.
He will only act nice for a while until you give in and then back to his same old
routine.

Bye bye loser, worthless loser !! That is your best option, you will be 
better off in the long run. Your head is in the right spot, his is up his, well you
know where. 

Sorry you are going through this, you sound like a very smart, loving, and caring person
The best thing that has ever happened to him no doubt.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are a kind, a nice and generous lady. 
Maybe a Saint.

Long term with this man? 
There is nothing worthwhile to save.
He will revert back to his walking-wounded state.

He changed because he had to, not because he wanted to.

My opinion? Get divorced.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let him be this temporary Wonder Dad and Super Husband while you get your divorce plan in place and get your ducks in a row.

But insist that he gets full time, self supporting employment and do not actually file for divorce until he does.

He needs to be fully self supporting before you file or you might get socked with spousal support.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I barely read your opening statement ..... he's a pathetic loser. Dump the garbage.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Before you do anything, read Codependent No More. Advice from my therapist. You'll see why, once you read it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is divorce worthy. Give him the divorce that he has earned.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is divorce-worthy, but you won't see it until you address your own issues - especially the codependency.


----------

