# What should i think?



## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

Hello good people of the forum! 
I am a husband of a disturbed marriage. I have an 11 year old. I have been married since 07’. We always had a tough marriage. We been through it all. But for the last 3 years its been horrible. My wife wants a divorce, but says she wants to continue living together. And work things out. I happen to know she is talking to another guy. 

This other guy isnt close by. He is in another state. But would move here in a minute. She has me so confused. I dont know what the divorce meaning is to her. I know we are far from happy with each other. Love is borderline gone. Am i spinning my wheels here?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Preface:* Do keep in mind that, while some of the stuff below might seem harsh, you're in a much better place for change than many of us, who have let issues fester for decades. You've got most of your life still ahead of you. Whatever happens, you can not only move on, but you can start over. Or, as I think Charlie Brown said, those who can't do, teach.

You already know the answer to whether you're spinning your wheels or not. If you haven't confronted her about talking to another guy, you've already made your decision. Not saying it's the right decision, but it sounds like you're worn down and don't see anything here worth fighting for.

Being divorced and still living together should be off the table. That might be bad sit-com material, but it's not real life. She's probably taking advantage of the fact that you're worn down and haven't put your foot down one way or the other. She might be thinking it would be best to have both of you around to take care of your kid and not face up to the consequences.

You can let her decide your future, but it would be better for you to take matters into your own hands. Create the choices for her, which would basically be to either divorce and leave or find a way to reconcile and save the marriage. The reconciliation path would have zero tolerance for either emotional or physical affairs. 

Whatever you do, don't let her take advantage of your worn-out state.


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> You already know the answer to whether you're spinning your wheels or not. If you haven't confronted her about talking to another guy, you've already made your decision. Not saying it's the right decision, but it sounds like you're worn down and don't see anything here worth fighting for.
> 
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> ...




You nailed it on the head about being worn out. I have almost no fight left. We just moved to a new state and this comes up. I feel it was inevitable but it still hurts. 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How do you know her OM would move to your' area in a NY minute? 

Have you read their messages, or listened in on the phone?

Talk is cheap. 
Many a man will say anything to a woman to keep her inline, straight inline and under him. :|

And, thrice, if that is true, that he will sweep right in, that might be a good thing.

He will take her off your' hands.

She will be happy, you will be rid of her. A good thing, eh?





[THM]- KB





[THM]- Lilith


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> How do you know her OM would move to your' area in a NY minute?
> 
> Have you read their messages, or listened in on the phone?
> 
> ...




This guy she is talking too has 3 kids and is desperate. I read one text that said he will move when she is ready. So yea im in one of those positions. Very difficult 


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What you should do is let her go. Only then will you free yourself so you can have a better life.

Right now you are living in infidelity and accepting it. You are keep yourself bound. No one else but you can do that.

Why?


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> What you should do is let her go. Only then will you free yourself so you can have a better life.
> 
> Right now you are living in infidelity and accepting it. You are keep ourself bound. No one else but you can do that.
> 
> Why?




Good advice


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

That_guy said:


> My wife wants a divorce, but says she wants to continue living together. And work things out. I happen to know she is talking to another guy.



When a woman is getting her emotional needs meet by another man she is no longer your wife ..... she is HIS "secret" wife.

Woman detach more easily than men ....it's just biology. Your marriage has fallen to pieces and her heart has left the picture.

Your only going to make a complete disaster of YOURSELF to keep going down the same road.

When a woman says she wants a divorce, that is what she means.


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> When a woman is getting her emotional needs meet by another man she is no longer your wife ..... she is HIS "secret" wife.
> 
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> 
> ...




Well thats what im here for, get the cold hard facts. I guess im just hanging onto a thread hoping to make a sweater out of it. 


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

That_guy said:


> Well thats what im here for, get the cold hard facts. I guess im just hanging onto a thread hoping to make a sweater out of it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It is important to understand that the more you cling, beg, and plead, the more you operate from a weaker position.

Rule #1 The person who needs the other the least in a relationship holds all the power.

Cling, beg, plead ...... you throw your power away. You become devalued in her mind.

You will literally push her to the other guy without even knowing you are doing it.

With that said ...... your marriage sounds like garbage anyways.

Just get the divorce. She is already talking to another man.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, she is already talking to another guy, and she has him convinced that she is the one for him.

He is desperate and in love with her (it sounds like this).

And she is biding her time. It is a convenience thing for her, and likely a financial thing.She is doing a balancing act.

She is holding a cheating man in one hand and a desperate husband in the other. 

Wait! 

To her, both men are desperate for her. She is in the cat birds seat.

For now...

She has a plan, it is called getting her xucks in an order. 
She has a plan, she wants to swing from one comfortable life to the next.

She may also be playing the POSOM.
Has she expressed love for this out-of-stater?

More importantly, does she know that you know about this interloper?
Has she met up with him or is this still phone love, and still in the fantasy realm?

She may be using him to get away from her marriage. 
And he may not be the only one.

He may be a step, an interim step to freedom. 
I suspect she has given him some steps, or things he must be able to do.
She may be playing him. She loves the feeling that some man wants her badly.

For her, it is not likely all about sex with out-of-stater. It is about ultimate freedom.

If she were madly in love with him, she would move out tomorrow. 
Alas, that is the stuff of teenagers, not adults.
Most adults!





[THM[- Lilith


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if you think of it from her perspective, she gets to keep her lifestyle, she gets a divorce which frees her up to her lover, she gets to keep you as plan b (if this guy or the next guy does not work out) and having you under the same roof she gets an automatic babysitter...of course she doesn't wants her life to change to much it's not in her best interest.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You are plan B living with a person who wants to be a cake eater. You cover the expenses and provide a roof but OM provides everything else. If OM dumps your W, you as plan B, are there to fall back on. Don't be anyone's plan B. Make the decision for your W. Get the D paper served. Under no circumstances will she live under the same roof during and after the D process. That will wake your W up to some reality.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> When a woman is getting her emotional needs meet by another man she is no longer your wife ..... she is HIS "secret" wife.
> 
> Woman detach more easily than men ....it's just biology. Your marriage has fallen to pieces and her heart has left the picture.
> 
> ...



This. She is completely disrespectful of you. You deserve more than to be her backup guy she uses for room and board. She needs to face the harsh reality of what she has done. She doesn't get to cheat on you and then live in the same house!


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

I feel like i need to find a new place, im not oblivious to the situation. The issue is i have so many years invested, my kid my life. I guess im hoping someone will tell me im doing something right. But thats why im really here is to here the truth. I have nobody to talk to that isnt biased. You guys have been helpful by being honest. I appreciate it. 


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, she is already talking to another guy, and she has him convinced that she is the one for him.
> 
> He is desperate and in love with her (it sounds like this).
> 
> ...




She worked with this guy when we lived in his state. They were friends at the time. When we moved they kept talking. She has expressed to me that they have talked, only after i seen the text. I since walked in the house with them on facetime. This is still ongoing. She seems to be kinda looks for me to do something that pisses her off. Then it almost seems she is relieved to see me get upset. Like she can have an excuse to go the other way. 


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She is 100% done. Just waiting for you to file divorce so she can blame it on you. She is waving him in front of your face. Like I said.....she said she wanted a divorce. It is time to believe. Get the divorce and don't look back. Throw the rear view mirror away .... She already has.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

That_guy said:


> I feel like i need to find a new place, im not oblivious to the situation. The issue is i have so many years invested, my kid my life. I guess im hoping someone will tell me im doing something right. But thats why im really here is to here the truth. I have nobody to talk to that isnt biased. You guys have been helpful by being honest. I appreciate it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This plus the last post that you wrote right after it... 

I want to be clear about this... YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING WRONG FOR A LONG TIME.

And dude look, I am not saying this to be mean, I am saying it FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

And, look what you may not realize or want to realize is that she was sleeping with this guy before you moved, Get it???? She has been having an affair for god knows how long. 

And what is more, YOU FREAKING KNEW IT IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS.

I mean, what in the **** are you doing staying in a crap marriage, with a woman that does not and has not had ANY RESPECT for you for a long time.

Please, get a clue and file for divorce ASAP!!!!!


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

That_guy said:


> I feel like i need to find a new place, im not oblivious to the situation. The issue is i have so many years invested, my kid my life. I guess im hoping someone will tell me im doing something right. But thats why im really here is to here the truth. I have nobody to talk to that isnt biased. You guys have been helpful by being honest. I appreciate it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Don't move out until you have retained a good divorce attorney and have custody agreement / temporary orders in place. Moving out without getting these things in order will put you in a terrible position with regards to custody and financial matters. And why should you move out anyway? She wants a divorce then let her go somewhere else.

Also by filing for divorce you're sending a very clear message that you're not going to be her plan B. You don't have to finalize the divorce, but it might just wake her up and realize she's making a big mistake. But you should file and be fully prepared to go through with it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

That_guy said:


> I feel like i need to find a new place, im not oblivious to the situation. The issue is i have so many years invested, my kid my life. I guess im hoping someone will tell me im doing something right. But thats why im really here is to here the truth. I have nobody to talk to that isnt biased. You guys have been helpful by being honest. I appreciate it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Your marriage is over. The sooner you accept it, the better. The sooner she is out of your life the better you will feel. When my XW moved out it was like an 5 ton elephant was removed from my chest (literally and figuratively<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>)

I'd rather you ask her to move out if you have a house together. Whatever the case, see a lawyer before you move out to cover your own ass.

File for divorce and giftwrap her skanky ass to AP with a thank you note. Work out to get all that negative energy out with the added benefit of being in shape when you are ready to get back out there. 

Seriously, your investment is soured. But you will get 50% custody of your kids and be able to rebuild your life without some succubus killing your soul. That is worth more than the money you will have to part with. Just consider it **** off money.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

That_guy said:


> *I feel like i need to find a new place*, im not oblivious to the situation. The issue is i have so many years invested, my kid my life. I guess im hoping someone will tell me im doing something right. But thats why im really here is to here the truth. I have nobody to talk to that isnt biased. You guys have been helpful by being honest. I appreciate it.


Hell to the no. You do not find a new place. Your W does. Why should you be displaced as a result of your W extracurricular activity???

Strength. Show it. The show of strength and in control will serve you well.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your reactions give her power...

Do not let fear keep you from filing but remember the first law of brinkmanship is be prepared to go to the brink if you do.

Your best response in this is to calmly take back control of your life... when you acknowledge your worth it will be hard to stay around the people who don't.

Love yourself more...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, sorry, but you aren't doing anything right. Yet. 

Give her the divorce she wants. Just don't continue to live with her after the divorce while she tries out the new guy. And don't take her back when that crashes and burns as it very likely will. 

You're nobody's Plan B. Rebuild your life. Make it a better one.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

That_guy said:


> Good advice
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It only works if you follow it.

You'd be well advised to dump her cheating ass post haste


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

That_guy said:


> *She worked with this guy when we lived in his state. They were friends at the time.* When we moved they kept talking. She has expressed to me that they have talked, only after i seen the text. I since walked in the house with them on facetime. This is still ongoing. She seems to be kinda looks for me to do something that pisses her off. Then it almost seems she is relieved to see me get upset. Like she can have an excuse to go the other way.


She was probably neck deep in the affair then. If you go back and check your phone bill you'll probably see it.

You need to quit kissing her ass and move on.

Right now you're weak as a sick pup and wallowing in her infidelity. Which just make you look bad


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> This. She is completely disrespectful of you. You deserve more than to be her backup guy she uses for room and board. She needs to face the harsh reality of what she has done. She doesn't get to cheat on you and then live in the same house!


And by extension she is completely disrespecting her own child, too. What a wonderful wife and mother she Is.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> And by extension she is completely disrespecting her own child, too. What a wonderful wife and mother she Is.


EXACTLY. She is doing all this not only in the face of her husband but also in the face of her child. At the very least, I guarantee she is neglecting the child in favor of her love life.

OP, I would try for AT LEAST 50/50 custody.


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

UPDATE! 
I am moving out, we have separated! Thank you all for the advice. Nice and harsh alike. It helped me make the decision. Thank you all again!


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Stay in touch to vent, share or seek advice. 

Sharing our experiences with cheaters is our strength.

You are not alone!


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

Robert22205 said:


> Stay in touch to vent, share or seek advice.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you, i will. 


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Way to go....Now don't back peddle. A hard 1....8.....0. (180)

Heal yourself quick and get your finances and stuff out fast!

And just be ready, you will find yourself happier in no time!


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Way to go....Now don't back peddle. A hard 1....8.....0. (180)
> 
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Cant wait!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If it were me Id go straight to D. Why keep kicking this can down the road? If not you'll keep yourself stringing along on a fruitless venture.

Bud, that's just a waste of time and life you can't ever get back.


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> If it were me Id go straight to D. Why keep kicking this can down the road? If not you'll keep yourself stringing along on a fruitless venture.
> 
> 
> 
> Bud, that's just a waste of time and life you can't ever get back.




This state requires us and my daughter to be a resident for 6 months first. Only been 2


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That_guy said:


> She worked with this guy when we lived in his state. They were friends at the time. When we moved they kept talking. She has expressed to me that they have talked, only after i seen the text. I since walked in the house with them on facetime. This is still ongoing. She seems to be kinda looks for me to do something that pisses her off. Then it almost seems she is relieved to see me get upset. Like she can have an excuse to go the other way.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Which is why YOUR job is now to go to a good lawyer, find out your rights, and start the divorce in motion to ensure that you keep 50% of everything. And IIWY, fight for custody of your child. She's expecting you to pay her way while she cheats on you. Disabuse her of that notion. Knowledge is strength.


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

turnera said:


> Which is why YOUR job is now to go to a good lawyer, find out your rights, and start the divorce in motion to ensure that you keep 50% of everything. And IIWY, fight for custody of your child. She's expecting you to pay her way while she cheats on you. Disabuse her of that notion. Knowledge is strength.




Indeed! Im learning. This isnt easy for me. But i am pushing foward. She is being cool with it of course. But i know its the calm before the storm


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Everyone can be calm - until it comes to money. Many women just assume they're going to get a windfall upon divorce. So you need to protect yourself, even if you have to wait 4 more months. Also, a lawyer can talk to you about potential liability on your part for 'abandonment' caused by you moving out.


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## That_guy (May 29, 2019)

turnera said:


> Everyone can be calm - until it comes to money. Many women just assume they're going to get a windfall upon divorce. So you need to protect yourself, even if you have to wait 4 more months. Also, a lawyer can talk to you about potential liability on your part for 'abandonment' caused by you moving out.




I will know soon when i meet up with him. 


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