# Learned my husband was feeling suicidal three years ago



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I have recently learned my husband was feeling suicidal three/four years ago but he did not act on it and isn't feeling like this any longer. Then he felt like he did not have a purpose and because he has some OCD tendencies he is ashamed of.

Now I am feeling bad whenever we quarrel and I am afraid he could get like this again without telling me. Has any of you been there?

You can tell me if you think this is the wrong board. I ask here because we also have a complicated marriage what makes it more complicated.


He is the kind of person who never talks about his feelings and I am very surprised he suddenly did. I want to be there for him.

We may bicker a lot but I have a lot of respect for him and love him from the deepest of my heart and to learn he has been feeling like this did break my heart.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If he is unstable, he should seek help. His issues are still there, lying beneath the surface. Odds are, he has not yet resolved them.

Hard to tell if he is using this as emotional blackmail, he really wants to hurt himself, or both.

Find a train psychiatrist to evaluate his mental stability.

If you are having a lot of arguments, there is still a lot of issues in your relationship. Learn diaphragm breathing, use serene imagery, and learn to disengage. Look for books on healthy communication. These are exercises you two can practice together as a couple. But seek help for him by setting an appointment and hopefully he goes for the sake of the family.

Knowing this is a possible component to him, you need back-up plans and be able to be self-sufficient. Can you work or have family help in cases of emergencies?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

He is already doing therapy.

I don't think he is using emotional blackmail. He is not that type of person. He did not want to kill himself over something in our relationship. In fact he was feeling very bad BEFORE our marriage because his former career was ended by his mental health and he felt like he did not have a purpose.

When I was pregnant he "jumped into it" and proposed to me though we did not know very well and immersed himself in being a father and he said that this saved him. I thought "how nice he is gonna try to save me from the disgrace of becoming an unwed mother" but he was saving himself and I am happy it worked for him like that.

We still do quarrel a lot. I am trying my best to learn about healthy communication.

He has OCD. He has to have certain things certain ways, has to, or he will nag as long as he gets what he wants and I used to explode about this from time to time.

Now I am really afraid to talk back or to be less then perfect when our marriage means so much to him and he has been so down. Unfortunately I am less then perfect.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, you will not get the optimal marriage as you would like. So, learn about his condition and what his behavior will be like and operate from there. Just start with improving yourself and let him handle his issue on his own. As for the relationship skills, those you both can work on together.

Still, it is not healthy for someone to be a lifetime crutch. I hope for you that he can get a lot better at managing his disorder.

Don't be afraid to take breaks to recharge once in a while. Managing your own stress will be important as well.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

He is the kind of person who never talks about his feelings and I am very surprised he suddenly did. I want to be there for him. He never complains about his mental health. I should have made this clear in the opening post.

He handles everything on his own... but he does not have to. I want him to know that he does not have to.

I may not be perfect and he may not be perfect and we may quarrel a lot but I still want to be there for him.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

It is difficult for me to live with my husbands nitpicking and toe-to-the-line ways. I do see the good in it. He always has a plan and a check list and we aren't unprepared for anything. He is ISTJ and I am ENFP.

To this day he won't let me pack a trunk because he believes I cannot do it as efficiently as him. To give an example... and I on the other hand sometimes just cannot let him be and explode.... but then I feel bad for exploding because surely his live is more important than who gets to pack the trunk.

He also cannot take the family to crowded places (while he is fine going with other oeople) out of fear something might happen to us... but I worked on myself and don't expect it anymore.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Unfortunately,because of his disorders, you have to learn to live with it or leave. He may make some improvements, but it is something you will have to just live around.

You know the facts, and by choosing to stay, you have to change in what your expectations are,learning to control your anger and accepting the fact that he is dysfunctional, which it is hard to accept at times, teach him that you want an intimate relationship to him so you can feel close to him and him to you. You can probably go to youtube and find videos on communication skills if you do not feel like going through a book. Have him watch it with you and practice with each other the lessons taught.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My ex was suicidal and did use it as emotional manipulation. He was eventually diagnosed with recurrent major depression with anxiety and paranoia-but none of the OCD you've been dealing with. You sound as if you are walking around your own marriage on eggshells, afraid to voice your frustration or resentment for fear of what it might do to him. This is no way to live.

It is hard to live with someone with a mental illness. You feel responsible for their happiness. You are not. It may sound hard, but remember that you did not cause his illness and you cannot cure it. Anyone who believes they can is simply unrealistic. You can learn to live with him in a healthy relationship, but you need help, too. There are support groups for people whose spouse has a mental illness and I hope you seek one out. Ask your H's counselor for a recommendation.

You will not cause him to become suicidal. His illness will, or won't, but it is not you. You need to learn to live in the marriage, and hold him accountable for his own treatment. That's where a support group can help.
Best of luck to you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Your H has PTSD and apparently OCD along with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. He doesn't like being in public places and tries to control every aspect of his life to a "t". 

As many have told you before in your previous posts, you're going to have to learn to live with it, or leave. He's in therapy - it barely helps him. You know this though. You CANNOT change him. Only he can, and he's going to have a hard time doing that with all of his issues. So, what are YOU going to do to make YOUR life better?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I think you all got me wrong. I did not say my live was horrible. Currently I am happy with my life. Thanks a lot.

Like I said I used to be sad and angry that he did not go out with us but after having lenghty discussion with other spouses of vets whose husbands never went out with them and lenghty discussion with vets who never went out wit their wifes I decided that lack of love and respect for us was REALLY not the reason for his behaviour and since that I am fine with it. Yes, I do have a slow learning curve but I learned it in the end.

In the last months my husband and me have become much closer and I felt new love and adoration for him. I thought about writing this under a new name but then decided against it.

My question is not "how I can change my life?" but "how I can make sure that he tells me when he needs me and that he tells me when he get so low again... and how can I help him not to get so low again while our marriage is far from perfect?".


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Let him pack the trunk. He likes it. 

Knock off the petty arguments over his predictable behavior. That's annoying 

Embrace his eccentricities as adorable quirks.

Don't treat him like he is flawed, not a whole person or in need of babying. 

Treat him like he is special to you in a loving way. 

Adjust your boundaries and expectations to cut back on the quarreling. 

Tell him you are glad he shared with you and you love him, then don't bring it up again unless he does. 

If he does, tell him you love him and thank you for telling you, then drop it until he brings it up again.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Thanks! So you would not bring up the topic again? I want to be just sure he is safe but not hurt his pride.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Nope 

Tell him you love him and hug him and kiss him every day. If he wants to talk about it that is when he will

Its respect and appreciation for who he is aka love. If he brings it up again let him know you are very happy he trusts you with his private thoughts and you love him to the moon. 

That is all he needs


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Sorry for this very personal question. Feel free not to answer. Have you or your spouse felt suicidal?


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

No. 

I have mentored many thru those types of thoughts and feelings


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Could you tell me a bit more about your mentoring work? Could you tell me if the people you mentored went through phases like this again and again and again or just once in their live?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your past threads have all been about "fixing" him. The answer you've always received is that only he can do that. You can't make him open up and tell you if/when he feels suicidal. 

Love and support him to the full extent that you can (and let go of the desire to "fix" him). Maybe in time he'll open up more. But he may not and you need to accept that.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I think I have outgrown the "fixing him phase".


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Some have one low point, some two, some multiple. 

Being observant and kind always isn't a bad way live and those are the skills needed to enjoy a lovely life with your husband as he is

Embrace it


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

To be honest I don't think my husband (as he is) accepts me (as I am) or he would trust me to do the trunk or with things like this... he says "you could do this better when you do X and could do that better if you do Y instead of Z" and when he does not accept me, when I feel bossed around by him I explode. I am not sure if he even get's this or just thinks I am cranky and I think he does not think he is non accepting. He would say he is giving helpful advice.

Can't he accept me as I am just a little bit and stop seeing me as a source of dirt and disorder?


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Rules 

1. Decide who is going to do what task

2. The other needs to... 
a. get out of the way
b. mind their own chores
c. not question the manner someone with other preferences attacks the same task
d. zip their pie hole
e. smile and say thank you, its lovely you got that done for the both of us

3. Get your egos out of the way by generating your own self esteem to the point you are unphased by critics of the manner in which you tackle boring chores no matter who that critic is

4. decide what is important and what is petty

5. If indeed you are exploding, google anger management techniques and build a new life with more harmony, happines and satisfaction

6. Embrace life skills that allow happiness to take root and get some weed killer known as "phuck it, next year I wont care about this so why waste a year of energy on it. Im wise now and have reasonable life skills. I shall drop it now and have ice cream and some goody goody gum drops"


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Ask you husband if he believes you are the source dirt and disorder. 

Wait for his answer

Yes - tell him that hurts your feelings, makes you want to avoid him and causes resentment and sadness that doesnt go away completely before it happens again

No - tell him that is the way it feels even if it isnt intentional, it hurts your feelings, makes you want to avoid him and causes resentment and sadness that doesnt go away completely before it happens again and ask him if he can help you figure out a way not to feel this way. Suggest to him you will try to be less sensitive and you would be eternally grateful if he would try to deliver his suggestions in a more loving way so you can hear him out without being wounded by them


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Sorry for this incredibly depressing response. My boyfriend committed suicide three weeks ago. I wasn't there for him that last day as we were in an argument and I had put my phone away, the next time I looked at it he said he didn't want a funeral, that he loved me and goodbye. I was ten minutes too late to save him. He had told me he'd had suicidal thoughts in the past but assured me he was past that. I wish I had taken it more seriously and talked to him about it more, and I wish that I had encouraged him to continue therapy (he quit a couple of months ago thinking he was doing better). 

Be there for him as much as possible. Always tell him you love him, make sure he knows you love him even if you're in a fight. I'm sorry I don't have better advice at the moment, feel free to PM me if you ever want to discuss anything more.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear, delirium. You know it is not your fault, don't you. He died of his illness and you did not cause that illness.



> Make sure he knows you love him even if you're in a fight.


Thanks you for the advice. I will try to do my best.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

So sorry to hear this Ms. d. Please pm me if you'd like to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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