# Parenting and division of labor



## keychain (Jun 24, 2015)

Ok guys. Any help would be appreciated. Here is the back story. My wife and I are both phyicians. We have a 5 and 2 year old. My earning potential is 3x hers due to our specialties. Naturally I work full and time and she works part time (3 days a week). Both of us working full time would be very difficult.

My mom was stay at home... wasn't a super mom (lots of Mcdonalds... didn't shuttle us to many activities) but spent a lot of time with us.
Her mom and dad were physicians... a lot of time spent being raised by nannies.

Here's the beef...I seem to be the better parent when it comes to stamina/overall energy and parenting.... The general expectation for me is to work full time and then be super dad on evenings and weekends doing 40 to 50% of the household work during those times.. If I'm not at work I should be helping with kids or household work as it is too hard on my wife. I've always felt this was very unfair division of labor and it all started after our first child. When our first child was born my wife switched to 3 days a week and I was full time... she actually put our daughter in daycare 5 days a week and spent those 2 free days taking it easy... I would come home and we would split stuff like cooking, grocery shopping, giving our daughter a bath, etc. This is why I started getting annoyed... why am i splitting these responsibilities when whe has 2 days a week to just chill out? This is when the fighting started.

Slowly through the years she has started to shoulder more home responsibility but its again starting to feel uneven. She does 90% of the cooking now...75% of the grocery shopping... still feels like 50/50 or 45/55 when we are both home though. I do 100% of the academic teaching and spend at least 30 minutes a day teaching the older one math/science/reading or the younger one phonics/early reading/shapes/early math. I'm def doing a good job as the 5 year old reads at 4th grade level and does 3rd grade math. the 2 year old is starting to read 2 and 3 letter words. 

Basically i do a ton.. and she acknowledges that I am a very good dad. She hasn't worked since January but starts again July 1. This is why the resentment has come back... she has put the kids in daycare 3 days a week for the past month even though she hasn't started... its a waste of money and there is no arguement to do it for adjustment puposes as the younger one has been doing daycare for years and the older one has been in school. They adjusted day one... she said she did it because she will need to do things to prepare for her new job... in actuality I think she was sick of being with the kids all day and took the first chance she could to give herself some time. Now she's got time to go workout, shop without kids, get hair done, get a message, etc. Basically she's given herself time to relax before she starts her job.

Anyway last night she went to bookclub and I took care of both kids while she went.... and it was really easy for me. No crying/tantrums. Taught both kids for 45 minutes. Fed them. Bathed them. Put them to bed. No sweat... I think i resent that it is so hard for my wife to do these things. Its not as natural for her, I think because of her upbringing. When I come home kids are crying.. TV is being used as babysitter...she never teaches them any academics. I resent how when I do things with kids its not super stressful and hard but when is doing stuff she's stressed out... and expects help. 

We have biweekly cleaners as we can easily afford it. 

Seems like I never get a break. I am made to feel guilty if I go work out Sat morning forcing her to have kids for 2 hours alone (How dare I?) The other day we were at the mall and the kids were fighting... I didn't want to deal with it and just wanted her to handle it... I kept walking and she called me "lazy" for not resolving the situation. I wanted to explode. She always feels entitled to getting help with someone.. it's like its not in her DNA to be able to just handle it by herself. 

I think I imagined my wife being... i don't know.. just better at being a mother/household manager... stepping it up because she realizes how much I do for our families income... instead I have to step in because she isn't as good at it... I sometimes wish she had the higher earning potential and I worked part time sending the kids to school and relaxing. 

I'm starting to realize things will never change. She will never shoulder an equal amount of the total household labor.. she doesn't have the ability/stamina. I am a good dad and am not going to just refuse to be with kids.. i enjoy it. I just want to be able to stop "helping" if I don't feel up to it. I can get tired too... I might want to spend an hour with the kids when I get home.. but can't I just shut down then and expect her to handle it? Doesn't she owe it to me or love me enough to give me that?

Should I just accept this arrangement? My wife gets to just chill out more and be spoiled as not 2 people have equal stamina. I have lots of friends with even more spoiled spouses (stay at home wifes with full time nannies, evening help, family help, etc) and they just live with it. They chill out by just hiring evening help for their wifes.. Why can't I?

I think the reason is I expect/want her to be really good at it.. We should be able to handle this without hiring help. I want her to be an awesome super mom...thats what I envisioned when we fell in love many years ago and it didn't work out that way..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week to you work at your job?


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## keychain (Jun 24, 2015)

40 now... It used to be 50 to 55 with evenings/weekends but I switched to a lower paying job a few months ago to get a better life balance.. thought it would be best for our family.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Is your wife's new job part time or full time?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Marriage counseling.

You need a neutral third party who can help enlighten her as to the unfairness and unbalanced work load. You've tried over and over to communicate this to her but she isn't "getting it." Time to call in the professionals.

If she refuses joint counseling (which is for the good of your marriage and your family) then you likely have some tough decisions to make in your future.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> If she refuses joint counseling (which is for the good of your marriage and your family) then you likely have some tough decisions to make in your future.


If she refuses joint counseling, you have to make sure that there are consequences. A consequence that is both obvious to her, and productive, would be for you to enter IC. As the saying goes, you can't change other people, but you can change yourself and your reactions to other people. It would help you work towards whatever your next step then is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you say, it does seem that your wife is not doing as much as she could be doing. 

It also seems that the two of you have different ideas of what parents do. You are spending a lot of time teaching your children. Most parent's don't do this. They figure that is what schools are for.

It sounds like you have your own mini classroom going on at home. What your are doing with teaching your children sounds structured. Is this right?

Did your parents teach you in this manner? Your wife probably did not get this kind of education from her parents. I get that you want to give your kids a head start on education. I did the same with my son but in less structured way. I think that it's wrong to hold it again your wife that she has a different outlook on how to educate a child. Most people do not go to the extent that you are.

On the rests of it. Have you considered going to marriage counseling?

One thing that stands out in your post is that you do not say one thing about you doing anything with your wife, just the two of you. It sounds like your entire life is about work and children.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, doing date like things, just the two of you?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Some people are good at somethings while being really poor at others. 

My sister finds it challenging just to raise one kid and takes lots of short cuts. We have three kids and my wife who is otherwise organized finds time management while doing multiple things at home a challenge. I couldn't find a way to change her or help her do better. Our situation is similar to yours. We are both professionals with me fulltime and my wife worked full time in the beginning. However she wanted more time to be a mom and went part time. Being part time and having a lot of chores to do at home is hard. At work they always seem to want more and at home things always are piling up. It's a difficult task to balance both.

I was frustrated by things not getting done and tried to help with getting her organized but that didn't go over well. Finally I was able to change my schedule to four days a week with ten hour days and I took Wednesdays off. On Wednesday I did finances/bills, house chores, my laundry, shopping and the kid activities for the day. What got done on Wednesdays was what I contributed ( beyond daily stuff like cooking, dishes etc. which needs to be done everyday) and I would put in a few hours on Sarurday and make time for emergency things etc. I set a boundary that my contribution was enough and that the remainder of the time was for myself, the wife and kids. I then also wanted time each day with her to talk, watch tv or other things. 

Now the key part is I let go of my wanting her to be better and I accepted her the way she is. She was working hard doing her best and that was enough for me. When she saw what I did on Wednesdays she stepped up the game a bit. Like you we also hire a cleaning service to help with our larger house. Could we each do more? Yes we could but I would rather spend quality time with the wife and kids then have a house in the order that I would really prefer it. That part paid off in the long run.

And I learned something. My wife went through a period of post partum depression which I did not know about. This literally robbed her of the motivation she had. She mentioned it but at that time I wasn't listening to my wife as I should have been. I didn't appreciate how debilitating depression could be until I went through it myself a couple of years ago. I essentially was moving through honey to get stuff done and it was exhausting. I was no longer productive to the same level and many things were not getting done. I mentioned it to my wife and she understood. She was extra attentive and treated me with affection and help which pulled me out of the funk.

Your wife is putting in effort and trying to do well. Something may be robbing her motivation. You may want to consider if your wife is depressed but still mostly functional. She may have needs that are not being fullfilled either at work or home. Diagnose her as an individual and figure out what she desires and if she is getting it as a wife, mother and professional. This attending to her will do more for her attitude and health than a fully equitable split of chores.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It also seems that the two of you have different ideas of what parents do. You are spending a lot of time teaching your children. Most parent's don't do this. They figure that is what schools are for.
> 
> It sounds like you have your own mini classroom going on at home. What your are doing with teaching your children sounds structured. Is this right?


Many parents do this. We did and many of our peers do. When the Schools don't fully teach and let kids sink to the lowest denominator you need to compensate for it. My daughter and son were really very poor at math. They didn't get the concepts and the teachers were satisfied to let them continually slide to lower levels instead of pushing them. We tought them math, English and other topics. We would also give them example problems to do to verify that they learned the material. My daughter ended up in the Honors society and took the most advanced math class at High School. My son who they tought needed to be in remedial courses just was more visual and needed to be taught differently than they teach in school. 

So I'm not surprised that he is doing the same thing. Our educational system is behind so many other countries in the US and if you want to be a professional you need to compete with them in grad school or med school.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

meson said:


> Many parents do this. We did and many of our peers do. When the Schools don't fully teach and let kids sink to the lowest denominator you need to compensate for it. My daughter and son were really very poor at math. They didn't get the concepts and the teachers were satisfied to let them continually slide to lower levels instead of pushing them. We tought them math, English and other topics. We would also give them example problems to do to verify that they learned the material. My daughter ended up in the Honors society and took the most advanced math class at High School. My son who they tought needed to be in remedial courses just was more visual and needed to be taught differently than they teach in school.
> 
> So I'm not surprised that he is doing the same thing. Our educational system is behind so many other countries in the US and if you want to be a professional you need to compete with them in grad school or med school.


People do things in different ways. That was my point.

I too taught my son a lot before he started school. At age 4 he was reading 8th grade level. He asked me to teach him algebra when he was 4 so I did, with all the arithmetic first. But I never tested him.

Though all of school he was in advance placement classes in every subject. But he dropped out of high school to start college early. He's working on his MS in Physics now.

My point is that people do things differently. 

If the OP wants to teach his children, good for him. If his wife does not see the need for it, after all she's an MD and probably did not get this kind of training at home before starting school. Her point of view is ok as well.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> My point is that people do things differently.
> 
> If the OP wants to teach his children, good for him. If his wife does not see the need for it, after all she's an MD and probably did not get this kind of training at home before starting school. Her point of view is ok as well.


I did misread your point. You are correct they need to be on the same page with respect to what they each feel needs to be done.


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## keychain (Jun 24, 2015)

My wife isn't depressed. 

She's going to be working 2.5 days a week... 20 hours.

We've done marriage counseling in the past when things were much worse. Didn't help much. 

We hangout each night from about 9:30-10:30. Date nights about once a month... Most of the time its family fun (parks, kid activities, road trips, etc.)

I think this really has to do with expectations vs actual abililty. I do hope she is trying her best and together we get everything done and are great parents. I just wish I could be happy doing an unequal amount... I just feel I'm being taken advantage of here. Suppose I was like a lot of my collegues, other guy friends.... more hands off... not so good with kids... main job is to work, mow lawn, fix things, and throw a baseball around type dad. What would we be doing?

My kids seem to be gifted and thats why I teach them... I'd say 30 minutes every other day for my daughter and 15 minutes every other day day for my son. They enjoy learning and it will give them a head start at school. Teachers don't really challenge the older one and everything i've read about gifted kids says you need to keep them challenged and engaged. No one can do that better than a fun engaging parent at this age...

I hope once she gets back to work I won't feel the inequity... A month of the kids being in school 3 days a week and she not working has brought this all back. But this has always been a problem.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Is your wife at all overweight? If she is carrying enough extra pounds is could be why she has such low stamina for handling the children. Also, does she have anxiety problems? Being overly anxious all the time can also lead to someone having low stamina for stress and children can be anxiety-inducing. If she is overweight, exercising and building muscle strength could make taking care of the children feel easier for her. If she struggles with anxiety then medicine and/or other therapies could help there. If neither of these apply to your wife then she probably is a bit of a spoiled child and grew up never seeing her mom having to fully care for children. In her worldview, mommy works and pampers herself while someone else does the work of raising the children. We usually consider the way we grew up to be "normal" and can struggle to understand why other people want to do things differently. Have you really sat down with your wife and told her what you think it means to be a mommy and wife? You could ask her to write down what she thinks a husband's role in a family is, what a wife's role, and what is the role of children, father, mother. Also include how you want the children to be raised, what values are important to you when it comes to raising children (like one parent spending more time with the children, etc). If you both make lists of your ideas and expectations and then share them together it could make it more clear to her why you are feeling resentment. Sharing lists of expectations could allow you both to see where the differences in thought are and is an opportunity to address those issues for the purpose of finding a solution. If you really enjoy caring for your children and she doesn't then perhaps you should seriously consider being more of a stay-at-home Dad. This is a solution you could offer after sharing the lists together. Ask her, how can we solve this situation? My values are that I want one parent to spend a lot of time raising the children instead of an outside person. I think that is better for them and their futures. Would you consider pursuing your career more actively so that you can support me staying at home to raise our children in the best way? Try opening a dialogue with her that is aimed at finding a solution. If you both struggle with that process then asking a professional to help guide you through the dialogue would be the next step. 

I understand how disappointing and upsetting it can be to realize that your expectations and values clash with that of your spouse. You see that the longer you both don't work towards a solution, the more your feelings of resentment grow. Its important to take care of those feelings because resentment can break a marriage. I believe you can find a solution that is win-win for both of you.


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## keychain (Jun 24, 2015)

She's in perfect shape. Probably more in shape than most people our age. Eats super healthy and excercises. 

I really appreciate everyone's comments.

I know a lot of this is how you grew up... her mom was a professional and used nannies and probably thought of household work as beneath her. Her mom has always required a lot of external praise of her household efforts and can get annoyed if she does something around the house and no one takes notice. 

It's the total opposite of my upbringing. My mom did everything and my dad didn't lift a finger. My dad worked 2 to 3 jobs. My parents never wanted praise/validation... they did everything because they felt it was their duty and felt good about... when they got praise they liked it and took notice but most of the joy came from internally not externally. I'm the same way.. I don't need anyone to tell me how awesome it is that I work and bring home the bacon, or how great i am at giving a bath, or how good i was at breaking up that fight. My motivation comes from within. With her side of the family a lot of it comes from outside. If your not praising efforts you must not be appreciative. 

My question is this... my dad nothing.. how come i was able to change and act different than my family culture? But for her its an excuse to not do as much?


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## keychain (Jun 24, 2015)

Me working part time would not make any financial sense. I make three times as much.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Since your wife didn't take the role you expected you felt a need to change and compensate for her. Whereas she doesn't think there is anything wrong with what she is doing and doesn't feel a need to change. After all she grew up in one piece and probably doesn't think being raised by nannies had any ill effect on her. Can't she focus more on her career and make more money? Would she never be able to make enough money to support the whole family or you just prefer to have the extra income? If you don't want to work part time and sacrifice some things in favor of raising your children the way you expect them to be raised, then perhaps you shouldn't expect your wife to make any changes either. Your children are smart and seem to be doing great. Maybe focus on the outcome of your hard work and let go of the resentment. Your children are blessed to have you as their father and they are greatly benefiting. I have no doubt your children will admire and adore you for what you are doing, and will be so grateful to you in adulthood when they look back on their childhood. They will probably attribute most of their successes in life to you, more than their mother.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

keychain said:


> My question is this... my dad nothing.. how come i was able to change and act different than my family culture? But for her its an excuse to not do as much?


Nurture AND nature make us what we are.

In other words, family culture and background are formative for us, but so is our innate, genetic personality disposition. 



keychain said:


> My motivation comes from within. With her side of the family a lot of it comes from outside. *If your not praising efforts you must not be appreciative*


The bold [mine] maps directly onto a key aspect of Myers-Briggs "ESFJ" types.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Break down and hire a full time nanny. Have your wife go to 40 hours a week since she isn't doing diddly at home anyway. You can't make her be someone who you imagined in your head. If you want the balance to change, change it. Hit the gym after work and let her deal with the kids a couple nights a week.

Stop letting her dictate your time. And, grow a pair.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can't change your wife. You seem to be really ticked off that she is not the kind of human you WANT her to be.

Well, she's not. Get over it.

Now, since you now know you can't make her be what she isn't, what can you do on YOUR side of the street? You can change your work even more so you spend more time with the kids, since you think HER time with them is defective. You can stop paying for whatever your wife does when she's 'goofing off,' so that she has to work to afford it. You can hire a full-time nanny or find a great daycare (where your kids will be getting HOURS of learning every day instead of 1 hour every other day), and tell your wife you expect her to start working full time. You can ask her to go to therapy, but I doubt that will happen, since you never resolved anything last time. You can read His Needs Her Needs and figure out why this situation isn't working, and then do the work it suggests, like filling out the Love Buster Questionnaire to find out what your wife REALLY thinks. And you can take a look at your own attitudes - hopefully through a good IC - and figure out why you assume that YOUR way is the only good way and, by extension, see whether that attitude is driving a lot of the problems in your marriage; and, if so, see what you can do to become less of a snob and more of a partner - which I can practically guarantee will elicit change in your wife so that she's more open to listening to your viewpoints.


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