# Talking to depressed spouse like talking to a rock



## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

Anybody experience this? She never expresses an opinion. It's always, "I understand" or some other non-commital answer. I can't get her to open up.


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

Yep, but I was the depressed wife in the situation, LOL!

Here's a link to the story that the hubby just wrote about the first several years of our marriage. You can see what things he did to get me to actually start opening up to him. Some may work for you, some may not...but at least they are ideas. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/155073-love-marriage.html#post6333129


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What was her childhood like?


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

I'm not too sure about her childhood. Reasonable I guess. But her dad was a very angry person and dominating force. Maybe she's been shutdown her whole life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep, that'll do it. She was taught that to express an opinion results in pain. Safer to stay inside her head. Not gonna change without therapy, most likely. 

That said, you CAN make it safe to talk to you. First, never ever ever make a comment about her feelings. They are hers and she's entitled to them. Second, start asking her nonthreatening questions - occasionally (do not do an onslaught). What was the name of your grade school? Did you wear dresses or pants to school? Who was your best friend? Did you ever look her up? What do you think that would look like?

See how the questions start out innocuous but, over time, as she feels safer to share, they start to become about how she feels, not just a fact.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

JohnSebastian said:


> I'm not too sure about her childhood. Reasonable I guess. But her dad was a very angry person and dominating force. Maybe she's been shutdown her whole life.


Been there, done that, got the trophy. 

After I met my wife, and we got married, she was the first person I had let "inside" my constructed walls. But she had issues of her own, and when things got rough for her, she lashed out and I stopped trusting. So, I closed back in on myself again. 

From my perspective, at least, one of the things people like us desperately need is to trust that we don't get hurt - especially emotionally. Another, is that she never believes you're trying to manipulate. I walled off EVERYTHING that could potentially hurt. Thus, the more I cared about someone, the less I opened up. And I was EXTREMELY defensive about anyone trying to pry. There had only been ONE reason my past to dig into anything I cared about, and that was to manipulate, shame, mock, and hurt me. 

Of course, this walling off made my wife lonely, my kids distant, and really, truly destroyed any and all relationships. Someone here posted, in response to my story and asking for advice, a link to a video of someone who studied how to successfully love someone... and it turns out that being willing to be hurt is essential to having ANY real relationship. Vulnerability is essential, and it is the one thing I had spent decades fending off. I was a fortress. NOTHING could get to me and hurt me. 

I had to see that for myself, though. This is one of the things I watched...

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

On similar vein. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMzBv35HbLk


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