# Does my partner even love me or care about me anymore? As it dosent feel like it.



## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

So I have been with my partner for a good few years now, and have a number of kids who have their own difficulties.

My partner has been on anti depressants for pretty much the entire time we have been together. 
In recent years we spend less and less time together. And most evenings she's buried in her phone and ill be honest. I'm on my laptop alot. I have brought up that I'd like us to try to improve our relationship. But doing any also comes with a ton of *'s. Sex is the big thing though which there's been either months or even years between. 

I try my best to be useful and do my bit around the apartment and with the kids, take them out most weekends so she has time to her self. The kids are extremely demanding and pretty never lever her alone.

So she says she has no sex drive due to the meds. 
But uses the toys we have nearly every day. Talking about sex is pretty impossible and I never get any kind of discussion about it. I barely know what she even likes. I'm lucky if I get a hug before going to sleep. And I'm sure she finds it impossible to be intimate with me on any level. I'm sure the other night she stayed on her phone reading something just so she didn't have to hug me before falling asleep. Am I asking too much?

I feel I'm just a place holder partner who just there to make sure the basics are managed and buy what ever she needs. I feel unloved or even part of a relationship as seeing as by the evening I cant even go near my partner. 

She says she loves me but it never feels like it. 
Should I accept that things will never change and move on with my life? 

Or keep trying and hope one day things will change and get better?


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Is IC or MC an option 🤔 ? Depressants do seem to be a libido killer , maybe she can change her meds. Ask her to have a frank discussion with her prescribing Dr. 
There are many options. With medication for depression these day


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Is IC or MC an option 🤔 ? Depressants do seem to be a libido killer , maybe she can change her meds. Ask her to have a frank discussion with her prescribing Dr.
> There are many options. With medication for depression these day


She has been on the same medication since we met and yeah maybe there are better ones out there that won't effect her sex drive. Will try to have this discussion with her.

Thanks


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Clearly she's not into you.

Of which if that could be fixed, letting this go without resolution for more than a few weeks, let alone months, would have been difficult. That you have instead let this go for years on end, makes this effectively terminal.

What I can't fathom is why after however many years, fixing this now matters to you?


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Clearly she's not into you.
> 
> Of which if that could be fixed, letting this go without resolution for more than a few weeks, let alone months, would have been difficult. That you have instead let this go for years on end, makes this effectively terminal.
> 
> What I can't fathom is why after however many years, fixing this now matters to you?


I don't know, maybe I'm just scared of ending a long relationship. Maybe I just needed to hear what iv known for ages from someone else. No harm in trying though is there? But yeah your probably right and should call it quits and move on.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

No offense to your woman but it’s a horrible idea to date someone that you already know is on mental medication much less put up with a sexless relationship. Many people like yourself show up here after investing way too much of yourself into someone else that should have never been their choice for a partner to begin with. There are no magic pills or words that we can offer to turn around what you created. The only choice you have is to continue it or end it. Neither one is easy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime you have a wife that has no sex with you, spends no time with you, plays with toys but won’t play with you, and pretty much just uses you——- the best thing is to divorce them.

With all the ways to communicate with women nowadays….. why would you possibly settle for an absolutely horrible relationship and waste your life?
Btw, as soon as you said antidepressants I knew you weren’t getting any sex. But you said she likes toys every day——- that’s not a person with no sex drive. That’s a person that just isn’t into you.

It’s your life. But it’s up to you to make your life like you want it.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Anti depressants are one of the most over-prescribed drugs out there. She should ask her doctor if she really needs them and maybe try to taper off them. The older ones can kill your sex drive. Newer ones, not so much.

But I think your problems are bigger than that. It sounds like you both have fallen into a routine and are no longer “dating”. You want sex and she probably wants love. MC would be a great place to start so you can find out what she really needs. Put the sex talk on the back burner. The more you talk about it, the less she will want it.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Randolphsewn said:


> So I have been with my partner for a good few years now, and have a number of kids who have their own difficulties.
> 
> My partner has been on anti depressants for pretty much the entire time we have been together.
> In recent years we spend less and less time together. And most evenings she's buried in her phone and ill be honest. I'm on my laptop alot. I have brought up that I'd like us to try to improve our relationship. But doing any also comes with a ton of *'s. Sex is the big thing though which there's been either months or even years between.
> ...


You say;
In recent years my wife and I spend less and less time together. And most evenings she's buried in her phone and ill be honest. I'm on my laptop alot. I have brought up that I'd like us to try to improve our relationship. But doing any also comes with a ton of *'s. *Sex is the big thing though which there's been either months or even years between. *
I try my best to be useful and do my bit around the apartment and with the kids, take them out most weekends so she has time to her self. The kids are extremely demanding and pretty never lever her alone.
So she says she has no sex drive due to the meds. 
*But uses the toys we have nearly every day. *Which means she has no problems down there and can reach orgasm.
Firstly, months and years between nooky time is not acceptable and you can`t continue being fobbed off with excuses like this.
The objective of sex toys for women is, while using them they are creating sexual fantasies about having it off with someone else or other people, probably not you.
Sorry my friend, your marriage has become a calamity, you really need to get this sorted otherwise it`s going to become worse, not better.
Time to box your wife in a corner, confront her head on and ingrain into her that the situation has to change.
If this becomes a no go with your wife or ends up just going round in a circle, than you have to seriously consider a divorce.
This is the reality of your situation.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> You say;
> In recent years my wife and I spend less and less time together. And most evenings she's buried in her phone and ill be honest. I'm on my laptop alot. I have brought up that I'd like us to try to improve our relationship. But doing any also comes with a ton of *'s. *Sex is the big thing though which there's been either months or even years between. *
> I try my best to be useful and do my bit around the apartment and with the kids, take them out most weekends so she has time to her self. The kids are extremely demanding and pretty never lever her alone.
> So she says she has no sex drive due to the meds.
> ...


Sounds pretty evident that this relationship is just not gonna go any further than it is now. And staying in it is just start effecting my own mental health. Which without going into detail I can say it has started to. Ok seems like I will have to look at moving out and moving on then. It's just really hard and not something I thought I'd have to do.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You really can't make someone love you when they don't.
All you can really do is draw the line and prepare to take action.
Sit her down. Tell her she has two options:
1. Work on the marriage and herself (medical intervention/becoming better medicated being part of it.)
2. Divorce
Give her 48 hours to make a decision. Use the time to get your affairs sorted, find a solicitor, etc.
Start to distance yourself. Focus on the kids. Show her indifference.
Should she choose option 1, Jointly put together an Action Plan. Set benchmarks, time frames, and accountability for them.
Hold not only her, but yourself to them as well.
If she chooses option 2, let the legal system take its course.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Randolphsewn said:


> But yeah your probably right and should call it quits and move on.


Do you think your life would be better for calling it quits?


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Do you think your life would be better for calling it quits?


I don't know, and like most people. I'm scared of what I don't know. It might be better.... probably tbh. Or it might be worse....


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> You really can't make someone love you when they don't.
> All you can really do is draw the line and prepare to take action.
> Sit her down. Tell her she has two options:
> 1. Work on the marriage and herself (medical intervention/becoming better medicated being part of it.)
> ...


Yeah seems like the best option. I did say something along these lines. And she said she'll try. Things felt better for like 5 days then she buried her self away again. When written down it does sound like I'm just clutching at reasons to keep going....and pretty sad. But I'm not the one fallen out of love so it's really hard to think that way.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sounds like you know what you need to do ? Who is she messaging or is she just looking things up on Google ?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Randolphsewn said:


> Yeah seems like the best option. I did say something along these lines. And she said she'll try. Things felt better for like 5 days then she buried her self away again. When written down it does sound like I'm just clutching at reasons to keep going....and pretty sad. But I'm not the one fallen out of love so it's really hard to think that way.


Your love for her has zero relevance or impact on her love and commitment to you.

Look up the 180 and start doing it. 
it’s time for you to be strong and drop the emotional, wishy washy nonsense. 
Stop focusing on your feelings, and focus on your boundaries, expectations and requirements as to what you will and won’t tolerate in your marriage.
It’s time for action, not feelings.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

wmn1 said:


> sounds like you know what you need to do ? Who is she messaging or is she just looking things up on Google ?


Yeah, not happy about it. But only delaying the inevitable really. So far now with start preparing and looking for my own place. She's in parenting, and local community groups. We're new ish to the area so only made a few friends. All married women or women with kids. And yeah mainly arolling through FB, insta, or googling crap.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Your love for her has zero relevance or impact on her love and commitment to you.
> 
> Look up the 180 and start doing it.
> it’s time for you to be strong and drop the emotional, wishy washy nonsense.
> ...


Thanks, needed to hear that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She has a sex drive if she is using toys everyday. She just hasn’t had one for you for YEARS. Who is she sexting with?

You are a meal ticket for her while she lives her life on her phone.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Randolphsewn said:


> Should I accept that things will never change and move on with my life?
> 
> Or keep trying and hope one day things will change and get better?


Meds is going to make any kind of change difficult because the emotional response is numbed. You are being straight up lied to and the evidence is right in your face. No sex drive but uses toys every day? I personally would have ended the marriage the very first time I walked in on her using one after telling me no. That's such a betrayal. If her doing that to you isn't enough to get you mad enough to get rid of her, maybe consider separating and taking more time to see if you want to leave.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> She has a sex drive if she is using toys everyday. She just hasn’t had one for you for YEARS. Who is she sexting with?
> 
> You are a meal ticket for her while she lives her life on her phone.


Well she ain't sexting anyone. When we started dating she was never into that kinda thing. If she didn't do it then she's unlikely to be doing it now. But yes your right. There's few stories I could tell but that would be just making me feel even worse and more of a fool.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Loves Coffee said:


> Meds is going to make any kind of change difficult because the emotional response is numbed. You are being straight up lied to and the evidence is right in your face. No sex drive but uses toys every day? I personally would have ended the marriage the very first time I walked in on her using one after telling me no. That's such a betrayal. If her doing that to you isn't enough to get you mad enough to get rid of her, maybe consider separating and taking more time to see if you want to leave.


I'll be bringing this up this weekend. So by Monday either I'll be looking for a new place to live my life or actually trying to have a relationship. I feel it will be the former but we will see.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Randolphsewn said:


> I'll be bringing this up this weekend. So by Monday either I'll be looking for a new place to live my life or actually trying to have a relationship. I feel it will be the former but we will see.


Whatever happens, do not waver on your boundaries, insist on your expectations for your marriage and operate from a position of strength.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Randolphsewn said:


> Well she ain't sexting anyone. When we started dating she was never into that kinda thing. If she didn't do it then she's unlikely to be doing it now. But yes your right. There's few stories I could tell but that would be just making me feel even worse and more of a fool.


It's what you do from here that counts. Making the right choices and becoming more assertive. Use this as a learning opportunity. Not a reason to put your own self down. 

Whether you choose to confront her and assert your needs or leave, you will be much better than the ones who come here to post and just never do anything to improve. 

One thing is for sure is that if you stay that toy needs to go. Unless she can satisfy you so much that you're begging for a break, then no more toy!


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Randolphsewn said:


> Am I asking too much?


Also, you're not asking for too much. You're asking for too little. There are a lot of resources available here at TAM to help. Check out the sticky in the men's clubhouse section of the forum. Lots of good reading there. Feel free to keep posting with any other stuff you might want to get off your chest or bounce off others.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Loves Coffee said:


> Also, you're not asking for too much. You're asking for too little. There are a lot of resources available here at TAM to help. Check out the sticky in the men's clubhouse section of the forum. Lots of good reading there. Feel free to keep posting with any other stuff you might want to get off your chest or bounce off others.


Thank you, I will have a look


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Just curious, but how many of the responders / readers identify as female. Just wondering if a wife in this position has an opinion. Just trying to be open minded here and get more sides of ideas. I don't want to come over as an incel who thinks a wife's duty is to serve her husbands needs and nothing else. Or if there's something glaringly obvious I'm ignorant to.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Randolphsewn said:


> Just curious, but how many of the responders / readers *identify as female*. Just wondering if a wife in this position has an opinion. Just trying to be open minded here and get more sides of ideas. I don't want to come over as an incel who *thinks a wife's duty is to serve her husbands needs* and nothing else. Or if there's something glaringly obvious I'm ignorant to.


Statements like this make me think you have a long way to go and the path is going to be a lot of pain for you. The first glaring obvious thing is you are are or are not a woman. If that is still up for debate then you have no basis of fact to even start from. That's pretty glaringly obvious. The second is that after all this you're still worried about if you're going to come across as being too masculine or manly to the women who seem to be really in charge here. The "woman" in your case is telling you that "she" has no sex drive while getting off in front of you with a toy every night and this causes you pain. That pain is there for a reason because it relays reality. Reality hurts if you go against it. Learn reality first and then wonder how a woman perceives you as being toxic masculine.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Loves Coffee said:


> Statements like this make me think you have a long way to go and the path is going to be a lot of pain for you. The first glaring obvious thing is you are are or are not a woman. If that is still up for debate then you have no basis of fact to even start from. That's pretty glaringly obvious. The second is that after all this you're still worried about if you're going to come across as being too masculine or manly to the women who seem to be really in charge here. The "woman" in your case is telling you that "she" has no sex drive while getting off in front of you with a toy every night and this causes you pain. That pain is there for a reason because it relays reality. Reality hurts if you go against it. Learn reality first and then wonder how a woman perceives you as being toxic masculine.


Can't argue against that


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Randolphsewn said:


> Can't argue against that


Also Male 38 here.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Randolphsewn said:


> Just curious, but how many of the responders / readers identify as female. Just wondering if a wife in this position has an opinion. Just trying to be open minded here and get more sides of ideas. I don't want to come over as an incel who thinks a wife's duty is to serve her husbands needs and nothing else. Or if there's something glaringly obvious I'm ignorant to.


You’re just second-guessing yourself now, and looking for possible rationalizations to justify further passive inaction. Stop.
Your problem is not that you are too assertive, or that you set your expectations too high. Quite the opposite.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> You’re just second-guessing yourself now, and looking for possible rationalizations to justify further passive inaction. Stop.
> Your problem is not that you are too assertive, or that you set your expectations too high. Quite the opposite.


Yeah your right. I am and need to stop. It's only going to make things worse.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

So, an update for anyone who's interested, we had a discussion the other week and both agreed to make more time for each other, so every end of the week we'll watch something together and have no devices to distract. I'm trying to help out around the place even more to elevate some of the stress and anxiety. I don't expect sex to happen straight away so.....wait and see. 

.....then I read one of her priority sheet thingys that she did as part of her sessions with her visiting psychologist (I think they was) where she put things in her life in ranked priority order. Kids were #1 understandably......our relationship.... not even given a rank.....less than nothing to her from my understanding. 

And tbh I should have seen this coming. First time we fell pregnant. As soon as she found out we didn't have sex or anything intimate for about 1.5 y. Rinse and repeat for the following 2. Though after the last one I was very distant with her because I knew this would happen. I just didn't listen to my self and how I felt.... I was right that things would turn to **** with more kids (not the kids fault I know) and we've had this falling out over the exact same thing before. The toy thing overall I don't mind as plenty of my female friends use them as they struggle to reach orgasm... so yeah...was like, fine long as we still have sex....which we didn't. 

So what to do now.
I'm starting a new job soon and I'm 100+miles away from any friends or family.... so not much for support etc. But I will just keep the peace and look to moving out once im settled in the new job. I'm done with this. For her I'm only here to play the part and buy what ever she wants for the kids, least thats how it feels (atleast she doesn't spend crap loads on herself but she does have a spending problem). 

Not much else I can put but feeling pretty **** and used esp as from what she says anyway.... I haven't done anything wrong. 

So yeah thanks for the chat guys. Wish I could take some of you out for a beer. 

If anything changes or anything I'll reply on here.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Good luck. I didn't hear any agreement about more sex, so it sounds like you folded on that subject? I'd want to ask her why I wasn't on that list but the kids were. Check out some of the other posts here from others who lived in dead bedrooms for 10+ years and lost so much of themselves because of it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I can't help rolling my eyes when someone only measures if someone cares about them by sex. 

You said yourself you have some children who have their own issues. I'd say if she's doing a lot for your children, she's doing a lot for YOU. Now, if you'd rather get a divorce and you're in the US, you will get 50/50 custody of those kids and you can take care of them all by yourself or with help you hire for 3 1/2 days a week. She might not even need antidepressants once she has 3 1/2 days a week she doesn't have to do for the children herself and might even get her libido back, you never know.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

It's not just sex, it's a complete lack of intimacy, I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship. Literally the only messages I get from her are can you pay for this and this is what the kids are doing. Yes she does alot, I'm not denying that, but then so do I. And I her words from about 5+ years ago "you can't just make time for the kids we need our time together also" and this was from when I was concentrating alot on the kids. And I help out alot with the kids. Even when I'm at work as I work from home. I still pop out my office do what ever. So no she's not doing it all her self. And she been on the anti depressants from before we met and she only had her one child (previous relationship obviously).


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Have you ever asked yourself why would you choose to marry someone on mental meds who already has a child and then you decide to have a few more in an already useless marriage?


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Have you ever asked yourself why would you choose to marry someone on mental meds who already has a child and then you decide to have a few more in an already useless marriage?


Well thats easy. Because in the beginning (and probably the same for most relationships/marriages) it was great, we went on loads of dates, she got a child minder so we could go out. We had loads of time to our selves when the other child was at his dad's. And the meds apparently weren't an issue. And she was seeing a psychologist to treat her mental issues. So obviously all good right. Problem was we got pregnant like 5 months into the relationship and then things started to go down. Obviously the naive me then was always hoping things would get better, as you do. And of course it did....when she wanted another baby.....then once pregnant again....went crap....OK so we're two kids in now and just leaving cause not the relationship isn't what I was hoping is a bit shallow at this point. And of course... was hoping things would get better....nothing wrong with that, but obviously was seeing the issues that have started to pop up now. 

Also, if your partner turns to you and says "I don't have time to have a relationship" then why should I be there? Pretty much she got what she wanted and then treats me as a spare part. But by this time I have 3 kids with her, and walking away isn't a simple thing to do. 

No one....well not me anyway.... at the start of meeting someone is going to say 
"Your on meds and have a kid? Nah I'm gonna pass thanks" 
As I would hate it if someone said the same to me without even giving me a chance. 

But hindsight is 20/20 now.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Randolphsewn said:


> But hindsight is 20/20 now.


Use that hindsight now. Just assuming that nothing improves for 1 - 20 years (whenever you choose to reflect on this in the future), what would your hindsight look like then? Would you be glad you stayed?


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

Loves Coffee said:


> Use that hindsight now. Just assuming that nothing improves for 1 - 20 years (whenever you choose to reflect on this in the future), what would your hindsight look like then? Would you be glad you stayed?


Well at the moment I can always say I tried my best, and exhausted all options and gave it my all... past that there's nothing I can do and it's best to then just accept and move on. I had a friend when I younger I went on holiday with. His parents were miserable and had zero relationship. I don't wanna end up like that. But soooooo many of my friends marriages and relationships (pretty much all of them tbh) have turned to crap. Just hardly seems like a point in being in one at all.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Randolphsewn said:


> But soooooo many of my friends marriages and relationships (pretty much all of them tbh) have turned to crap. Just hardly seems like a point in being in one at all.


That could just be coincidence. Most of my friends have been married for close to a decade or longer, but I have some single friends. For myself, I'm hitting 8 years soon in mine. It's always a learning process for sure.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

So, you had a conversation and still no sex, but she got you to do more around the house instead... She is clever... 

Sounds to me that your relationship died years ago. She is not interested in you, but she has a sex drive, hence the toys. Not sure how old are your children, but, if intimacy is important to you, you will have to make a painful decision.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> So, you had a conversation and still no sex, but she got you to do more around the house instead... She is clever...
> 
> Sounds to me that your relationship died years ago. She is not interested in you, but she has a sex drive, hence the toys. Not sure how old are your children, but, if intimacy is important to you, you will have to make a painful decision.


I get what you mean. But it eliminates excuses. Like I said before, just keeping the peace for now until I'm settled in my new job and can leave. Least I can say I tried everything.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Randolphsewn said:


> But it eliminates excuses.


The excuses are an integral part of the package. If she had issues and took meds to be able to cope but she had no sex drive, I would get it (although she could still have some kind of sex life, I'm sure) but she has a sex drive, she could have sex with you but she prefers her toys. Eject button.


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## Randolphsewn (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> The excuses are an integral part of the package. If she had issues and took meds to be able to cope but she had no sex drive, I would get it (although she could still have some kind of sex life, I'm sure) but she has a sex drive, she could have sex with you but she prefers her toys. Eject button.


Agreed


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