# We’re separated, but I’m not sure where to go next



## MissUncertainty (Nov 11, 2020)

So I am only been married three years. The relationship was a couple years before the engagement and then we got married quick. There were lot of good things about our relationship and a lot of bad things about our relationship, but in the end, the last year was full of petty arguments, overall lack of communication, dishonesty, lack of respect, and some DV tendencies (intimidation, I got shoved, gaslighting, etc). I called it quits after the incident with the shoving as I have more respect for myself than to not feel safe in my own home (and I have a lot of great support to be able to so boldly do what I needed to for myself). He went to stay at his moms, and after a month of being on his own he FINALLY started seeing a therapist. I was still super upset about the situation, but at least he was admitting that he had a lot of responsibility for some of the stuff going on (also I’d been telling him since we were dating that he needed to see a therapist just for his own mental health). But he’s been being responsible, paying his part of bills, getting closer with his family and doing well in therapy. We’ve still had little disagreements when working through like who gets what car and splitting bills type stuff, but after starting his therapy, he’s been much more able to have a normal conversation with me and not escalate it. So now I’m at this point where I’ve talked to other people (he has too-it’s been about 8 months that we’ve been separated), but I still find myself comparing anyone to like the good stuff about him and like how we clicked and I still wanna call him when I’m happy or sad or I see something funny. Now I’m just stuck and I can’t tell if I’m just lonely and want to try with him because of that or if maybe we should try because we’ve both grown (I’ve been working on myself too). Idk. I just needed to get it out I guess. But if you have advice I’d gladly accept. Thanks.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm a firm believer that people can change, if they want to and are willing to put in the work.

You said you have been separated for 8 months, he started seeing a therapist 7 months ago(?), and since then he has made positive changes (and you have as well). To me, that seems like a good start. You both know what the problems in the marriage were, you have both worked on them, and you seem to be having open discussions. Most people wouldn't get that far but those steps are necessary. What Laurentium added below is super important as well, I should have included that. 

You mentioned that it took him a whole month to start therapy after moving out. That actually isn't a long time and it can take time for the message to sink in that therapy is needed. A little over a year ago my wife gave me the "fix your **** or I want a divorce speech" then wanted to go no-contact for a month. I dragged and stomped my feet, didn't want to do it, didn't need it, etc. but eventually (after about a month) I realized she wasn't kidding and I got back into therapy. I think that happens more often than someone immediately running to the therapist's office.

Do you know if your husband making these changes for himself, or in hopes of winning you back? Either can be motivating factors but he really does have to want it for himself.

For the domestic violence issues, I had an anger management therapist tell me that it takes a full year from the last "incident" to be considered a safe partner. People can change, but it takes time, work, and commitment.

Of course, he can make all the changes in the world and become the best husband ever, and that doesn't mean you have to go back to him. His past actions could be a dealbreaker and that's totally fine. You get to decide who you allow into your life.

Before you decide to give the marriage another shot, I'd suggest finding a therapist for yourself (if you haven't already) and a marriage counselor.

If you want to detach from your husband but just can't seem to let go, have you started detaching from him? Or are you still hanging out, talking casually, having sex, "forgetting" the negative parts of the relationship, etc.?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's good that he is seeking therapy for his issues. 

But has he transformed into the person that you would want to be with and demonstrated that those changes are permanent?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MissUncertainty said:


> He went to stay at his moms, and after a month of being on his own he FINALLY started seeing a therapist. I was still super upset about the situation, but at least he was admitting that he had a lot of responsibility for some of the stuff going on


Admitting to who? And "a lot" of the responsibility? A person has *100%* responsibility for pushing and shoving, and yes, that counts as violence. Don't call it "stuff going on", call it "violence".

Is he admitting to things in public, or just to his therapist and to you? Is he admitting to his friends and family that he has had to move out because he got to "intimidation, shoving, gaslighting, etc" ? Because you need, at a minimum, to be at a point where, if you were back together and it happened again, he *can't* say to anyone, "no that never happened". Does he come from a family where those things are regarded as normal? Or are they shocked? If he hasn't admitted it to them, or they see it as normal or not 100% his fault, then be very careful. Everyone needs to be agreeing that this happened, that it shouldn't have happened, and it must not happen again, and that means you, him, his family, and your close friends.

Then yes, I agree with what @bobert said.


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## MissUncertainty (Nov 11, 2020)

bobert said:


> I'm a firm believer that people can change, if they want to and are willing to put in the work.
> 
> You said you have been separated for 8 months, he started seeing a therapist 7 months ago(?), and since then he has made positive changes (and you have as well). To me, that seems like a good start. You both know what the problems in the marriage were, you have both worked on them, and you seem to be having open discussions. Most people wouldn't get that far but those steps are necessary. What Laurentium added below is super important as well, I should have included that.
> 
> ...


I feel like his motivation is to get me back which makes me doubtful that he would keep it up were we back together, if that makes sense. I have been seeing a therapist, but I feel like I’d need to focus on rebuilding/being able to trust him again. Also I feel like I never really distanced myself from him. Like we’re “being friends”, and I still talk to him about my day and like want to show him things I’m excited about (like he was my person for all that time and it makes me feel so alone to not do that I guess). I feel like that’s where a lot of my doubt comes from; like am I reconsidering things with him for the right reasons or because I’m being dependent, ya know?


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## MissUncertainty (Nov 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> It's good that he is seeking therapy for his issues.
> 
> But has he transformed into the person that you would want to be with and demonstrated that those changes are permanent?


He has still shown to have like issues that he’s had in the past with like communicating/properly expressing his emotions, but he has done a lot to like be able to recognize that on his own, admit that he could’ve expressed it better, and then be like “I should’ve said it _this way_, and I’m sorry for how it came across”. So like he hasn’t shown that changes are permanent I suppose, but he has shown that he’s trying if that makes sense.


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## MissUncertainty (Nov 11, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Admitting to who? And "a lot" of the responsibility? A person has *100%* responsibility for pushing and shoving, and yes, that counts as violence. Don't call it "stuff going on", call it "violence".
> 
> Is he admitting to things in public, or just to his therapist and to you? Is he admitting to his friends and family that he has had to move out because he got to "intimidation, shoving, gaslighting, etc" ? Because you need, at a minimum, to be at a point where, if you were back together and it happened again, he *can't* say to anyone, "no that never happened". Does he come from a family where those things are regarded as normal? Or are they shocked? If he hasn't admitted it to them, or they see it as normal or not 100% his fault, then be very careful. Everyone needs to be agreeing that this happened, that it shouldn't have happened, and it must not happen again, and that means you, him, his family, and your close friends.
> 
> Then yes, I agree with what @bobert said.


He hasn’t really told anyone else what happened, like his mom and sister asked me why I had him move out and I told them what happened. That was before he started therapy though. Idk is he is being honest with his therapist I guess, but I wouldn’t ever really know And I agree that the shoving/intimidation was 100% on him. I told him multiple times, like no matter how upset I get I’ve never thought of putting my hands on him, so why would he even think to do that to me. But I also, not trying to victim blame myself, but like I am a “yeller” and I knew that was an emotional trigger for him and I still wasn’t changing. It’s not an excuse for his reaction, but like I also just want to be aware of the fact that in the marriage and our communication overall, I could’ve also been doing better, if that makes sense. I appreciate your perspective. I feel like the unanimous aspect of understanding the incident is valuable. I don’t feel like anyone was really shocked, and my family tried to convince me it “wasn’t enough to leave”🙄 so I appreciate the understanding too❤


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

MissUncertainty said:


> I feel like his motivation is to get me back which makes me doubtful that he would keep it up were we back together, if that makes sense. I have been seeing a therapist, but I feel like I’d need to focus on rebuilding/being able to trust him again. Also I feel like I never really distanced myself from him. Like we’re “being friends”, and I still talk to him about my day and like want to show him things I’m excited about (like he was my person for all that time and it makes me feel so alone to not do that I guess). I feel like that’s where a lot of my doubt comes from; like am I reconsidering things with him for the right reasons or because I’m being dependent, ya know?


Do you know how he feels about shoving you? Like, is her horrified that he did that or does he see it as not really a big deal, you're overreacting, etc.? There is a difference between working on these issues because he doesn't want to lose his marriage, and working on these issues because he doesn't want to lose his marriage AND he never wants to hurt you (or anyone else) again. 

Have you talked to your therapist about this question "Am I reconsidering things with him for the right reasons or because I’m being dependent, ya know?" It will be impossible to move on without distancing yourself from him. 



MissUncertainty said:


> He has still shown to have like issues that he’s had in the past with like communicating/properly expressing his emotions, but he has done a lot to like be able to recognize that on his own, admit that he could’ve expressed it better, and then be like “I should’ve said it _this way_, and I’m sorry for how it came across”. So like he hasn’t shown that changes are permanent I suppose, but he has shown that he’s trying if that makes sense.


The changes that he's trying to make won't happen overnight so I think that sounds good so far. At least, from the information you've given. If he's still being abusive, that's a different story. He's going to make mistakes communicating, we all do, but it's important that he can recognize it and correct it. 



MissUncertainty said:


> He hasn’t really told anyone else what happened, like his mom and sister asked me why I had him move out and I told them what happened. That was before he started therapy though. Idk is he is being honest with his therapist I guess, but I wouldn’t ever really know And I agree that the shoving/intimidation was 100% on him. I told him multiple times, like no matter how upset I get I’ve never thought of putting my hands on him, so why would he even think to do that to me. But I also, not trying to victim blame myself, but like I am a “yeller” and I knew that was an emotional trigger for him and I still wasn’t changing. It’s not an excuse for his reaction, but like I also just want to be aware of the fact that in the marriage and our communication overall, I could’ve also been doing better, if that makes sense. I appreciate your perspective. I feel like the unanimous aspect of understanding the incident is valuable. I don’t feel like anyone was really shocked, and my family tried to convince me it “wasn’t enough to leave”🙄 so I appreciate the understanding too❤


I think it should be a requirement that he tells people what happened. Abusers tend to deny it, lie about it, dismiss it, and keep it behind closed doors. It needs to be brought out into the open and he needs to own what he did. It's easy to say it was "just" being shoved once, but that's how it starts... then it escalates, whether that takes days, months, or years. So it should be a requirement that he owns up to it and tells people what happened. He will (or at least should) hate it and feel more ashamed than he ever has but it needs to be done. 

As for not knowing if he's telling the truth, etc. My anger management therapist has talked to my wife at least three times (that I know of). He wanted to get her side and he wanted to make sure I was actually doing the work at home and things weren't getting worse. It's something that he was adamant about and I hated the idea but understood it and agreed to it. On the other side, I have joined sessions with my wife and her therapist when her therapist thought it would be beneficial. So that is something you could ask your husband about.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MissUncertainty said:


> I feel like his motivation is to get me back which makes me doubtful that he would keep it up were we back together, if that makes sense. I have been seeing a therapist, but I feel like I’d need to focus on rebuilding/being able to trust him again. Also I feel like I never really distanced myself from him. Like we’re “being friends”, and I still talk to him about my day and like want to show him things I’m excited about (like he was my person for all that time and it makes me feel so alone to not do that I guess). I feel like that’s where a lot of my doubt comes from; like am I reconsidering things with him for the right reasons or because I’m being dependent, ya know?


I would not bank on "feeling like his motivation is to get back with me". You should probably find out for sure what he wants. Has he changed enough where you can trust he would respect your personal space and not abuse you?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MissUncertainty said:


> He hasn’t really told anyone else what happened, like his mom and sister asked me why I had him move out and I told them what happened.


I think it would be wise to get to a point where he can't pretend, later on, that it never really happened. 



> but like I am a “yeller” and I knew that was an emotional trigger for him and I still wasn’t changing. It’s not an excuse for his reaction, but like I also just want to be aware of the fact that in the marriage and our communication overall, I could’ve also been doing better, if that makes sense.


Yes, that's good.


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