# My wife is addicted to texting/IM/social networking.



## SNAFUBAR

This has been a long time issue with my wife, her texting started out in the thousands and is now in the ten thousands. Our last bill showed she had over 15,000 texts. We are 15 days into the next billing cycle and she is already at 5,200 texts total. Keep in mind this does not include the Yahoo IMing she does from her phone, nor her Facebook,…I told her she has a problem and she says she doesn’t. She says woman talk more than men do and she needs the outlet since she can’t talk on the phone because our 2 small children don’t allow her too without interupting. This is upsetting me to no end to say the least. I checked our phone bill online and minute to minute there was a text, from the time she's up (around 8:00) til bed (around 11:00 or 12:00) with only small pauses here and there. I told her it’s ruining our marriage but she does not seem to care, she is still doing it. Her behavior is almost that of an alcoholic who doesn’t think they have a problem nor is it affecting the family. Even on our anniversary she said she would turn her phone off, eventually it got turned on and stayed on, I knew she couldn’t resist. My fault is that I enable her cause I am too passive-aggressive. I am either cool or I am hot, and I don’t like getting to my hot point so I allow it to continue. Divorce has already come up numerous times and was almost executed. What can I do to save our family? I know this is not a cheating issue, just an addiction issue.


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## Jamison

Who exactly is she texting? One particular person more than another?

Is the cell bill in your name only? Both your names? If its just in your name but she is on your bill as another line you can have that line dropped. 

Also are you the one paying the bill? Tell her unless she is willing to help pay for it she doesn't need to be doing that, its disrespectful and you need to have that line dropped. If she wants to act like a child treat her like one. 

If its infact that of an addiction, similar to that of alcohol, then even though she may or may not have a problem, if the phone bill is in your name you really have the control over that. If she wants to text that bad she will find a way to help pay for it.


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## SNAFUBAR

The bill is in my name and we have unlimited texting so the bill is not the issue. Dropping the line is marital suicide (not what I am trying to achieve) The texts are all of her girl and guy friends that she reconnected with on FB, CL and other sites. The only cheating going on is with the phone itself. My issue is that this is not healthy behavior and it's not why I got married to her and started a family. I'm sure this is all rubbing off on our kids (we become our parents) I don't want them learning her behavior as they get older. I thought it was just a phase but I was wrong. Just like thinking people will change for the better after we marry them, they change all right...not always for the better. I feel she needs an intervention but don't know how to get her there, denial is a powerful force only second to the power of "the Will".


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## Jamison

Ok well since the bill isn't the issue. And dropping the line would be marital suicide. Then guess your hands are tied. You can tell her all day long her texting etc, is ruing the marriage, but until she truly believes it and sees if for herself then she will probably continue on. You said yourself you thought you were part of the problem by enabling her by being passive/aggressive which is the case for most people involved with someone who has an addicted behavior. So really all you can do is take care of you and sit back and watch it continue to spiral out of control. Unless there is something you can come up with that you feel will get your point across to her.


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## Mom6547

If it were me, I would focus on what I want her TO do, not what I want her NOT to do. Plan things to do together. Make outings with kids. You will have a more concrete way to demonstrate what she is missing vs you text too much. Just a thought.


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## AgentD

IMO, addiction or not, people should be held accountable for their actions. You're in a tough spot too. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, after 16 years together and him drinking for that period of time and longer, it finally came to a blow with me calling the cops. Fortunately me doing that was his wake up call. However, even doing something dramatic doesn't always mean it will work. Ever since then he has been in AA and doing great. 

I'm not real sure what to tell you though, like you I was passive/aggressive with him and his drinking, my enabling didn't help either of us or the situation.. I could have poured his alcohol out which would have been "marital suicide" as you described, because it doesn't mean they will stop the behavior. maybe google the effects of addictions. Its not going to solve your problem but it might give you a more clear understanding of what may or may not be going on with her. Until she realizes how much harm she is causing and the disconnect there is with you all as a family with her texting etc, there isn't alot you can do. Perhaps lay ground rules and stick by them, which may or may not work, or accept it, or separate. And yes, SOMETIMES it does take the other person do do something drastic to get the other person to wake up. And even that is not a garuntee.

PS. I also agree with what vthomeschoolmom said too. Might be worth a shot.


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## SNAFUBAR

vthomeschoolmom has a point, it may or may not work. We have been together for almost 12 years and just celebrated our 10th anniversary. If she can't keep her phone off for our 10th anniversary why would she keep it off or just put it away for any other outing or event with me or family? 
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and it will probably take me walking out to wake her up. The problem here is the kids, they won't understand why I am not here nor what mommy and daddy are going through. They are both under 8 and very attached and already have emotional issues. 

AgentD, love your saying, use it all the time. One of my favs is "don't confuse what you feel with what you know". Easier said than done though.


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## nice777guy

SNAFU - if she's chatting with women AND MEN - what makes you so comfortable that its all innocent?

Heard somewhere that anyone who texts that much is usually either a girl in High School or is texting someone they're very interested in.

And how much time is she really spending with the kids if she's texting this much (in addition to the other pieces you can't measure - like FB and IMs)?


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## Mom6547

SNAFUBAR said:


> vthomeschoolmom has a point, it may or may not work. We have been together for almost 12 years and just celebrated our 10th anniversary. If she can't keep her phone off for our 10th anniversary why would she keep it off or just put it away for any other outing or event with me or family?


Yowzer. That is rough. 


> I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and it will probably take me walking out to wake her up. The problem here is the kids, they won't understand why I am not here nor what mommy and daddy are going through. They are both under 8 and very attached and already have emotional issues.


Do NOT leave the house. Speak to a lawyer. If this DOES end game with divorce talk, your leaving can profoundly impact the divorce proceedings and NOT in your favor. If you have to "leave", leave virtually. 

Have you tried ultimatum? I mean obviously not if you don't mean to follow through. But it sounds like you mean to follow through.


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## CallaLily

Does she never do anything with you and the kids? If so, what does she do? When she is with you and the kids is she still all up on her phone? Does she have a job? I'm assuming not because if so with her texting alot and being on social networks I would think she would have lost her job by now, with the way you describe how often she is on there.


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## Mom6547

Ha! I had a sick idea. The next time she is deep in her texting tell her that you are feeling neglected and since she prefers Facebook you are sure she won't mind your having a woman on the side.


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## Mom6547

Sorry. I should not make light of your difficulty. But maybe I might have made you laugh?


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## CallaLily

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Ha! I had a sick idea. The next time she is deep in her texting tell her that you are feeling neglected and since she prefers Facebook you are sure she won't mind your having a woman on the side.


Made me laugh!  If that doesn't get her attention, then yeah you got a deeper problem. 

However, maybe try taking the kids out just you. You have some dad time with the kids, go do things together. Ask her if she would like to join you that way she can't come back and say,"well you didn't ask me." If she says no thanks, then go about your business. If you do this for a bit she might wake up and see how much fun you all are having and what she is missing, then again she simply may not care, if that is the case, then at least you know for sure where her priorities are, and then you can proceed from there. Also, with all the texting she is doing, she almost acts like a teenager. That, or someone else has her interest.


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## Mrs.G

My husband complains that I play with my phone too much. He'll simply ask me to put it away. I love my Crackberry LOL
I do not text/Facebook any exes or male friends. I just enjoy keeping in contact with those I care about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug

That's past annoying! She is hooked. I agree with everyone else. I went through that with my estranged husband before he moved out. We couldn't even go out to eat (nice restaurant) without him spending most of the time texting. It was next to impossible to even try to have a nice evening out. Of course, I now know for certain he was texting other women.


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## gregj123

Yep addicted it will turn into something more if left alone spend time together get rid of it awhile.


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## SNAFUBAR

I appreciate all the responses, I will reply as I can. I do not spend all day on the computer, I've been out doing yard work :/


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## SNAFUBAR

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Ha! I had a sick idea. The next time she is deep in her texting tell her that you are feeling neglected and since she prefers Facebook you are sure she won't mind your having a woman on the side.


What you don't know is that 2 years ago she rediscovered her Bisexuality, has a present girlfriend and we have a somewhat open marriage (the plot thickens). It is easy for a married woman to pick up a girlfriend but married men come off like scumbags, trust me, I know. I have tried looking for someone to spend time with me. So much for that idea


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## SNAFUBAR

CallaLily said:


> Does she never do anything with you and the kids? If so, what does she do? When she is with you and the kids is she still all up on her phone? Does she have a job? I'm assuming not because if so with her texting alot and being on social networks I would think she would have lost her job by now, with the way you describe how often she is on there.



She does stuff with the family but with phone close by. She just started a job but continues to text, she's that good at hiding it. She gets it in where ever she can, even on the toilet, while driving, or snuggling up to me on the sofa....annoying!


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## Mom6547

SNAFUBAR said:


> What you don't know is that 2 years ago she rediscovered her Bisexuality, has a present girlfriend and we have a somewhat open marriage (the plot thickens). It is easy for a married woman to pick up a girlfriend but married men come off like scumbags, trust me, I know. I have tried looking for someone to spend time with me. So much for that idea


I know of what you speak. In my opinion, for what it is worth, open marriage is a tad more dangerous than swinging. Swinging is a together proposition. But in either case, the ground rule still applies. RUN SCREAMING FROM ANY RISK TO YOUR MARRIAGE. Your wife isn't. This is not good. And she needs a wake up call.


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## SNAFUBAR

CallaLily said:


> Made me laugh!  If that doesn't get her attention, then yeah you got a deeper problem.
> 
> However, maybe try taking the kids out just you. You have some dad time with the kids, go do things together. Ask her if she would like to join you that way she can't come back and say,"well you didn't ask me." If she says no thanks, then go about your business. If you do this for a bit she might wake up and see how much fun you all are having and what she is missing, then again she simply may not care, if that is the case, then at least you know for sure where her priorities are, and then you can proceed from there. Also, with all the texting she is doing, she almost acts like a teenager. That, or someone else has her interest.


If we are all around we all go out together, she would never say "no thanks". So we do things but phone is almost always out and in use. I have tried to lead by example, I have tried every analogy, I have tried being silent and pissed off, withholding sex....I have tried everything. She won't do counseling for what counselors did to her as a child (she had a rough childhood to say the least). I am at my witts end. We talk and/or argue about it but nothing ever constructive ever comes from that other than temporary venting.


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## SNAFUBAR

@vthomeschoolmom: Most men would think having an open marriage with a bisexual wife would be awesome...It's a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. It has some good moments, don't get me wrong, but overall not worth the experience. I have never been more unhappy in my life


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## SNAFUBAR

To all: There are so many other facets of resentment to this marriage that I just cannot get into it at one time. It is beyond complicated and I feel there is really no help out there for me other than to talk to those that will listen,(Thank you btw) and get it off my chest. It's an out of control rollercoaster that I can't get off of.


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## Mom6547

SNAFUBAR said:


> @vthomeschoolmom: Most men would think having an open marriage with a bisexual wife would be awesome...It's a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. It has some good moments, don't get me wrong, but overall not worth the experience. I have never been more unhappy in my life



See the thing is, the problem with an open marriage is that it is a SEPARATE activity not a TOGETHER activity. 

But in the final analysis, if it aint working, stop it. Being bisexual doesn't mean you HAVE to have sex with women. You guys made a commitment to each other.


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## trey69

Wow seems it got more complicated on page 2 than page 1. That's why it baffles me when someone posts about something going on, gets responses, then later on comes out with a whole lot more stuff going on, and would have helped explained more in the OP. 

Bottom line, you have your work cut out for you. That is if you feel its worth it, as does she. You stated other resentments you couldn't get into right now, thats fine, hopefully you will share with us what those are. Its good you post here, helps to get things out. Right now I have no real words of advice since I do not know the rest of the story.


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## gregj123

Wow its being addicted to FB to being bi ??? wtf you get some real eye openers in here.


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## nice777guy

So - it sounds like at SOME point you agreed to marry this woman and agreed to an open relationship.

I think the first step might be to figure out what you want - what your values are.


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## Mike188

My experience is possibly like yours, but I am probably further down the path that you are. We have been dealing with for about 18 months. My wife is/was addicted to texting and social networking. At one point it was totally out of control. She was texting things to guys that was IMO inappropriate. She has curtailed that stuff some, but it makes her unhappy not to be able to do it. I feel like I am in a no win situation. Any time I voice my opinion about things that I wish she wouldn't do she tells me that I am controlling. I remind her that she has a LOT of friends/co-workers (both male and female) that I never say a single word about and no concerns about. There are a few, however, that I tell her have crossed the line and are not good for our relationship. THOSE are the ones that I have a problem with, in addition to the sheer number of hours she spends doing it. It creates a disconnect and a loss of intimacy, at least it has in my marriage. She used to call me every day. Now she calls them. I tell her that I wish we could chat a little bit during the day. She tells me that she is too busy but she chats on the phone 1 to 2 hours every day with her "peeps".


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## SNAFUBAR

trey69 said:


> Wow seems it got more complicated on page 2 than page 1. That's why it baffles me when someone posts about something going on, gets responses, then later on comes out with a whole lot more stuff going on, and would have helped explained more in the OP.
> 
> Bottom line, you have your work cut out for you. That is if you feel its worth it, as does she. You stated other resentments you couldn't get into right now, thats fine, hopefully you will share with us what those are. Its good you post here, helps to get things out. Right now I have no real words of advice since I do not know the rest of the story.


The other resentments are really of no consequence, they go back to when our marriage started and have been festering for years. The real problems started summer of 08, right around the "seven year itch" when she re-discovered herself and wanted female partners. We started with a threesome with a friend and it snowballed from there. She secretly started a D/S relationship with a woman, then dropped a bomb that she is into BDSM too. I have had to deal with plenty of Drama and break ups from her former lovers and I hate it. (BTW, She takes good care of the kids, but I did most of it when they were born. She does not like to clean or cook but will a little bit. I would ususally come home from work and still make dinner and clean the kitchen, housework and relationship "balance" is part of the resentment.)


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## SNAFUBAR

nice777guy said:


> So - it sounds like at SOME point you agreed to marry this woman and agreed to an open relationship.
> 
> I think the first step might be to figure out what you want - what your values are.


I feel I have no choices here because of the children. I feel I have to sacrafice my life and happiness so that we can keep the family together, in spite of the misery I am sure the kids feel. Also, divorce would just be more misery as we cannot afford it financially. I would have to pay for her housing and my own (and then some) and we can barely afford the rental we have now. I have been unemployed and she just started a temp job. It gets more and more complicated as we go here. I am not the first and not the last to be in this position, my circumstances are just different. I've told her I want "out" but won't do it for the sake of the family. I realize we are the masters of our own misery and I have made mine. I told her I should have left when I had the window to do so...that was when it all began. But I love her and decided to stick it out cause I am loyal to my family. I just forfiet happiness and am usually in a constant state of Pissed off and it reflects on our children too. I won't even get into whether or not it is affecting my health, cause I am sure it is.


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## SNAFUBAR

Mike188 said:


> My experience is possibly like yours, but I am probably further down the path that you are. We have been dealing with for about 18 months. My wife is/was addicted to texting and social networking. At one point it was totally out of control. She was texting things to guys that was IMO inappropriate. She has curtailed that stuff some, but it makes her unhappy not to be able to do it. I feel like I am in a no win situation. Any time I voice my opinion about things that I wish she wouldn't do she tells me that I am controlling. I remind her that she has a LOT of friends/co-workers (both male and female) that I never say a single word about and no concerns about. There are a few, however, that I tell her have crossed the line and are not good for our relationship. THOSE are the ones that I have a problem with, in addition to the sheer number of hours she spends doing it. It creates a disconnect and a loss of intimacy, at least it has in my marriage. She used to call me every day. Now she calls them. I tell her that I wish we could chat a little bit during the day. She tells me that she is too busy but she chats on the phone 1 to 2 hours every day with her "peeps".


I feel for you too my friend


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## CallaLily

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Sounds like you pretty much have made up your mind about not getting out of the marriage, so therefore if she isn't willing to meet you half way on things guess this is the way your life will be, especially if no one is willing to make a compromise or whatever etc. Since kids learn what they see from the environment they grow up in, then hopefully as adults they will be able to make better choices for themselves.


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## nice777guy

SNAFUBAR said:


> I realize we are the masters of our own misery and I have made mine...I just forfiet happiness and am usually in a constant state of Pissed off and it reflects on our children too. I won't even get into whether or not it is affecting my health, cause I am sure it is.


First of all, its good that you are accepting responsibility for your situation. 

But - beating yourself up is a whole different, unproductive thing.

If you are truly physically and financially stuck, do some reading about detachment. You dont' have to be emotionally stuck too.

I understand money is an obstacle, but try to find some things you've always wanted to do and start doing them - or reading about them - or planning to do them. Find something for you.

Being pissed off all of the time will hurt YOU - but it won't make anything better.


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## SNAFUBAR

nice777guy said:


> First of all, its good that you are accepting responsibility for your situation.
> 
> But - beating yourself up is a whole different, unproductive thing.
> 
> If you are truly physically and financially stuck, do some reading about detachment. You dont' have to be emotionally stuck too.
> 
> I understand money is an obstacle, but try to find some things you've always wanted to do and start doing them - or reading about them - or planning to do them. Find something for you.
> 
> Being pissed off all of the time will hurt YOU - but it won't make anything better.


Our whole marriage is unproductive. I have tried telling her that we are either productive or unproductive, contructive or destructive..its all falls on deaf ears.

I have been reading, but reading and doing are two different things. When I talk to her about what I have read she dismisses it as crap and that they don't know what they are talking about. She has read only what interests her lifestyle to my knowledge. My mind is so overwhelmed I cannot think clearly. With my new career coming up I fear I will fail due to my mind being preoccupied with all this. This has all affected my work and ability to concentrate on anything. It's difficult for me to delude myself and pretend it doesn't exist. I go to bed with my back to her most nights and it kills me. Of course this is all my side of the story, but I will tell you she really doesn't have a leg to stand on.

I want to do things for me but won't spend the money. I have threatened to spend the exact amount she spends on her lifestyle but she knows I can't bring myself to do it. I am too responsible and my conscience would eat at me for doing so when we are so financially stapped. I live for our kids and their needs come first so I sacrifice what I want to do. She had told me to go out and do stuff but I tell her I want to do it with her, that is why I got married. If I am going to live like I am single then I might as well be. I have looked into divorce but it is a last resort when absolutely all else has failed. But I know she will turn around at that point, but if have to go that far, it's too late to reconcile because I know her and she will rubberband right back.


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## trey69

If you are planning on staying, read up on detachment. It might be all you can do at this point.


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## nice777guy

What's the old quote - no one can make you feel miserable without your permission?

Don't tell her about the stuff you read - its just to help you for now.

Visit the Men's Clubhouse section and read the "sticky" at the top about nice guys and manning up.

You are talking as if you are helpless - and you aren't - although I don't doubt that your options are limited AND that what you REALLY want (a good marriage) might not be a possibility right now. But you still have control over some things.

You keep talking about your kids - maybe that's where your focus should be. Go to the park - play more - enjoy them as much as you can.

And - for now - try to avoid your wife a bit.


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