# Is This Just Duty Sex Once a Month



## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

Happily married couple with Children and no Medical problems and are in good Health.

My wife used to be HD as i am now and always was.
Over the past few years she became LD and i expected that things would go this way but not to the Lowest Point of 0.1

She has never taken a Medical contraceptive.

She is not a devout Christian or other Faith.

Ive discussed another topic here before 
_Wife wanted Dildo"Enjoyed it but Now wont Play_

But that is not the topic i wish to discuss here.

Its the topic of Duty Sex or rather that's what it feels like to me.
Ive asked my Wife many questions trying to get to an underlining problem but its always answered with or..

1 A shrug of the shoulders
2 Im just not interested
3 Im tired right now
4 ive a Headache
5 Intimacy avoidance or distancing
6 Sudden Topic change away from this topic.
7 Staying up late to use Lateness it as an excuse.

The only time my wife has shown great sex interest is when we were trying for pregnancy or when we used a toy in the past(Not any more)

Ive said to my wife before that we dont need to have marathon sex as thats just not realistic.

I need a Wife a Lover a Partner NOT a room mate to share a bed with.

Im thinking of distancing myself from her to see if she notices anything.
As for distancing away from sex i dont think she would even notice a difference.

Im home a lot from work so im always around for the kids and tidying up and i get with the kids every day 7 days a week and out to school just so she has extra sleep.
I prepare lots of meals and tidy up after everyone too and clothes washed and up on lines ETC so its not like i dont do my share to keep the household going well.
My Wife doesn't work and will spend most if not all day in Pjs i said this to her is mentally not good for waking up as your body still thinks its in sleep mode.

Anyway im ranting at this point.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There are many sexless marriage threads. The causes can vary. From evolutionary point of view your wife may be done with you. Her genes are going on in your children. Pregnancy as a result of sex with you would just give another major investment of her reproductive capacity to a combination of your genes.

If you were to try for another child maybe she would be interested. If another man whom she judged more alpha than you wanted sex, she might be interested. That doesn't mean she would act on this and cheat. Depends on her morals and personality.

Can you mimick a new guy? Can you work out on weights so that she will want to feel your muscles while you giver her a ride. Machiavelli, a poster on TAM, recommends strength training to reach the liminal mind. He also suggests a new look. Clothes, haircut. If you have a beard shave it. If you don't try the stubble look.

Women posters will suggest that you listen to your wife and find out causes of resentment. Don't talk relationship a lot. Listen to her. Let her know that you you understand her concerns. You don't want to mechanically satisfy all her desires to change you. But you can do some things. However, from what you write you are an active father and help around the house.

Do masculine chores. Find activities that make you happy. Make your happiness indepdent of her moods and approval. If you are happy, she is more likely to want to have sex with you. If you are depressed by not having enough sex, they that depression can make you less attractive. It's a negative spiral.

Does your wife feel depressed by her lack of a job? What does she do all day?

Doing the 180 is not a trick that you use to manipulate your spouse. You can use it to get their attention, but it is also a move to detach so that you end an unsuccessful relationship.

One thing is for certain: if you do not act, it can drag on for years. The worst is for a man to go beta hang on without much sex for 5 years, hoping and then to have his wife cheat. Read Shooboomafoo or other threads for the horror story.

When you do have sex or act affectionately are careful to let your wife know that you love her and are not just getting carnal relief via her body?

There are women posters like AnonPink, GettingIt (I think its her name) who can offer insights into female thinking. Search the sexless threads and read.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Try the 180, and check to see if she's having an affair. Given the radical change, she's either no longer into you, or someone else is "into" her.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Don't do the 180 yet. Sit her down and tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels. Tell her what you need and ask her what she needs. If there is no remote chance at common ground, you might consider recommending a marriage counselor who specializes in sexless conditions.

There is a reason she has changed. It's your obligation to try and get that out of her. If she won't tell you, she's risking her marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Find something manly to do with your extra time. Cut back on the Susie Homemaker chores and quit asking her for sex or to discuss sex. You've put yourself in a subservient position in relation to your wife and few women would find that attractive. We are all only slightly evolved cave dwellers. For thousands of years, when women sought a mate, they didn't look for the guy who cooked the best or kept the tidiest cave. They found security attractive (and they still do). Plan some home-improvement project and get on it. If the project requires a lot of physically demanding labor, that's a plus. She needs to see you as a leader, not a follower. If she's lounging in the fart sack while you are cooking, cleaning, and performing child care duties, she's got a maid and not a man (in her prehistoric mind). 
When women sexually fantasize about men, they don't imagine some nice guy in an apron. Now, it's cool to help out around the house and I think all occupants of a home should, but I fear you may be going overboard with it. If you need to help out with traditionally women's work (yeah, I know I'll get beat up for that), do so as a leader. If your kids are old enough, assign them tasks, train, motivate, supervise, and inspect. I don't think any man "nice guys" himself into the vagina or heart of a normally functioning woman. Would 007 or John Wayne beg a woman for sex? Would they try to earn nookie by cooking and cleaning?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your problem isn't only diminished sex. She doesn't work and spends her days in her PJs, half-stepping through life. She apparently doesn't do the majority of household chores or there would be very little for you to do. She has mentally checked out and isn't even really trying. 
I wouldn't even have any discussion with her about feelings. I'd start acting like a man and expecting her to act like a woman. If she's a homemaker, then she needs to keep a home. If she has depression, she needs to see a shrink and get treatment. She's acting as if she has nothing to lose and no reason to try. In addition to behaving more manly, spend less time at the house. Go to a gym or pick up a hobby or take a college class. Pick an activity that puts you in contact with motivated, attractive women. Your wife needs to see that you have other options and she has a reason for getting dressed, performing her role, and for finding her lost vagina.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

MisterGadget said:


> Im thinking of distancing myself from her to see if she notices anything.
> As for distancing away from sex i dont think she would even notice a difference.


If from her perspective the non-sexual parts of this marriage are good, this strategy might drive her to increase sexual frequency out of relationship insecurity. So you might go from duty sex once a month to duty sex twice a week. Would that be a good outcome for you?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

So, before -your wife was actively interested in sex. (liked to talk about it, masturbated, watched or read porn, suggested trying new things, wanted sex every day, etc.) and all that just stopped. 

And now you have unenthusiastic sex once a month?

You tried a toy that she seemed to really like but now she will not use it. 

I guess I would suggest maybe she should try counseling to help her get a better understanding of what she wants. Maybe she is depressed or maybe she needs some more activity away from the kids, who knows?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Find something manly to do with your extra time. Cut back on the Susie Homemaker chores and quit asking her for sex or to discuss sex. You've put yourself in a subservient position in relation to your wife and few women would find that attractive. We are all only slightly evolved cave dwellers. For thousands of years, when women sought a mate, they didn't look for the guy who cooked the best or kept the tidiest cave. They found security attractive (and they still do). Plan some home-improvement project and get on it. If the project requires a lot of physically demanding labor, that's a plus. She needs to see you as a leader, not a follower. If she's lounging in the fart sack while you are cooking, cleaning, and performing child care duties, she's got a maid and not a man (in her prehistoric mind).
> When women sexually fantasize about men, they don't imagine some nice guy in an apron. Now, it's cool to help out around the house and I think all occupants of a home should, but I fear you may be going overboard with it. If you need to help out with traditionally women's work (yeah, I know I'll get beat up for that), do so as a leader. If your kids are old enough, assign them tasks, train, motivate, supervise, and inspect. I don't think any man "nice guys" himself into the vagina or heart of a normally functioning woman. Would 007 or John Wayne beg a woman for sex? Would they try to earn nookie by cooking and cleaning?


Sounds good..but is way off base...and bad advice unless that is what you want for *yourself.
*
Its NOT that simple.

Sure ideally you should only talk about relationship issues when she brings them up... it looks weak to keep harping on the same topic and it is imperative your wife understands your boundaries and that nothing is guaranteed if the two of you cannot work out a solution to ANY issue in your marriage.

Who BTW is acting OUT OF CHARACTER too...due to the rough patch stretch of a longer term relationship.

As for becoming John Wayne... become YOURSELF that is the guy she fell in love with not some John Wayne character. The problem is when issues creep up we all deviate from ourselves and may do or say things out of character. As long as you aren't a total out of shape loser, have a positive attitude, learn from past mistakes your wife will notice and respond to you finding yourself. If yourself involves getting ultra fit then so be it but for heavens sake do it for yourself and not to impress a woman you already married.

Be yourself..its your wife's issue she isn't into you currently..let her sort that out and don't put up with disrespect...that's manly more than trying to fit some "ideal" man behavior or look because you think since someone on a forum told you that is what she wants.


Start putting some on the wife withholding and not the man...sure the man needs to listen to what his wife is upset about but after that is basically on her to either figure out why she isn't sexual with him and understanding the issue or risk a divorce...its simple.

Other than that YES you should strive to improve in life everyday..and doing that is enough.

Certainly helps if you can eliminate any other man on her mind. Investigate.


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

AH im 100% sure she aint Cheating.

As for being a New Man_I haven't lost what it feels like to be a man and im not a physically weak guy quite the opposite.

As for Listening to my Wife on this subject she feels there is nothing wrong with the way things are and in fact gets stroppy if i broach this very subject saying im being selfish and this is all i think about So as a Woman she doesn't want to even talk about relationship subjects.
So for me to listen to her...there would be silence.

As for "masculine chores" there is none to be done in my home all is well and working and replaced (never repaired)

She does miss being employed and what she does all day is tend to our youngest 1yr old who doesn't Nap during the day and our other children are in School so what she does between then i dont know.

Maybe we do need marriage counselling specialising is sexless marriage.


As for being around being around attractive women that's not a problem as regularly im around Models and know a lot of them personally and professionally and this doesn't faze her in the slightest bit.

My kids are not old enough to really assign them tasks so that's out.

She does do household chores when im unavailable and we have appliances that help this like dishwashers and driers etc so in reality there isnt a whole lot to be done bar hang washing and fold clothes wash floors if you get me.
We do share alot of the household chores as they must be done anyway.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

MisterGadget said:


> AH im 100% sure she aint Cheating.
> 
> As for being a New Man_I haven't lost what it feels like to be a man and im not a physically weak guy quite the opposite.
> 
> ...


Fist off OP you are not in a sexless marriage at 12x close but not quite. So don't put yourself in our category. You are in a low sex marriage, which is in a way different.

I have a question, what communication about the issue have you said to your wife? What was the message you gave her?

Did you use the term duty sex?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MisterGadget said:


> AH
> My kids are not old enough to really assign them tasks so that's out.


If you have kidS then at least some of them are old enough to help around the house with support. It is good for them.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MisterGadget said:


> AH im 100% sure she aint Cheating.
> 
> As for being a New Man_I haven't lost what it feels like to be a man and im not a physically weak guy quite the opposite.
> 
> ...


Oh lawd!

So you have 3 kids...more than 3... And the youngest is a baby...? And the baby doesn't nap? And the older kids are too young to help out yet also require constant supervision? 

I don't want to turn this into a gender issue thread, but it's clear that whatever it is she does do, you don't put much credit into her contribution and put a lot of credit into your contribution. Just something for you to think about and maybe see if this attitude shows itself in other areas. Because there is nothing that would enrage me more than a husband who walked in the door, stepping on dropped Cheerios and maneuvering around various play toys to give me a look at that said, "what do you do all day?" 

She misses going to work? She doesn't get dressed but stays in her PJ's. Lost her sex drive but doesn't seem to have lost her attraction to you, cause you guys aren't fighting right?

How many hours per week do you two spend together without the kids and with out talking about the kids?

When was the last weekend you two had without kids?

Does your wife work out, member of any groups, have any interests outside of homemaker type stuff? How often does she get out alone without kids or husband? Does she have any friends she hangs out with?

If you can't answer yes to those questions, if you two don't spend at least 10 hours per week, awake, alone and engaged together, that's where you need to start.

Finding some admiration for the never ending and totally thankless job of raising kids might also help.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Fist off OP you are not in a sexless marriage at 12x close but not quite. So don't put yourself in our category. You are in a low sex marriage, which is in a way different.



I far prefer 0x than 12x. 

0x is a constant signal that something is wrong. 12x is not. 

Way different but not better.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> I far prefer 0x than 12x.
> 
> 0x is a constant signal that something is wrong. 12x is not.
> 
> Way different but not better.


Funny but I agree...zero IS better...eventually

12x is a tough spot... because you really don't have much leverage and she can always point to you being the issue..as she opens her legs regularly each month.

At 0x...there really is nothing your wife can do to hurt you anymore, which is an empowering position to be in. Then you can rip it apart without fear and rebuild and whatever comes out the other end is better. In a way you need to go sexless to get where you want sometimes.

Sex is overated...relationship dynamics is where its at. Fix that and everything else flows from there.
I pretty much created my own sexless marriage with a purpose in mind of fixing my low sex dynamically challenged marriage. A necessary sacrifice for a better tomorrow.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Or as a preamble to walking out...

It's all about EMV. 95% effort for 20% return versus 0% effort and 0% return.

Do that for a while along with a 180 and let them wonder. On most days we barely exchange a handful of sentences with each other - related to the house or children -. No vacations no planned anything together. 

At some point they either get it or they don't. If they don't there is no point in continuing. I would rather NOT have done it but....


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

By the OP's own admission, the sex tardiness predated the conception of his last child. The world is full of stay at home moms with kids and those women generally find time to get dressed. I know women are perfect and if one has a performance issue, it is always a man's fault, but this woman spends her day in her PJs. Now, some suspicious folks might get the idea this person is either lazy or suffering from depression. Either way, he doesn't describe a healthy person who shows much interest in maintaining or improving an adult relationship. She had a career and opted for motherhood (x 3) and now she laments that she misses her career? She sounds like she has the can't-help-it's and she needs to figure out who she is and how she fits into the world. Wasn't happy with a career, wasn't happy with two kids, wasn't happy having sex unless she was getting a baby out of the deal. 
I've done the single parent thing with two very small kids and I worked a demanding full time job at the same time. Lots of people do. She's got a dishwasher and apparently a normal laundry set-up. She's not chopping wood for a fire, breaking ice on the river for water, beating clothes against a rock. Women throughout history and currently in most of the world actually do those things...while raising kids. My grandmother had no electricity or running water and raised 8 kids...and had sex with my grandfather (who never picked up a broom or a dish rag and didn't know the grid coordinates to the kitchen). They were married over 60 years and neither of them felt abused or felt the need to get on a marriage forum.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> By the OP's own admission, the sex tardiness predated the conception of his last child. The world is full of stay at home moms with kids and those women generally find time to get dressed. I know women are perfect and if one has a performance issue, it is always a man's fault, but this woman spends her day in her PJs. Now, some suspicious folks might get the idea this person is either lazy or suffering from depression. Either way, he doesn't describe a healthy person who shows much interest in maintaining or improving an adult relationship. She had a career and opted for motherhood (x 3) and now she laments that she misses her career? She sounds like she has the can't-help-it's and she needs to figure out who she is and how she fits into the world. Wasn't happy with a career, wasn't happy with two kids, wasn't happy having sex unless she was getting a baby out of the deal.
> I've done the single parent thing with two very small kids and I worked a demanding full time job at the same time. Lots of people do. She's got a dishwasher and apparently a normal laundry set-up. She's not chopping wood for a fire, breaking ice on the river for water, beating clothes against a rock. Women throughout history and currently in most of the world actually do those things...while raising kids. My grandmother had no electricity or running water and raised 8 kids...and had sex with my grandfather (who never picked up a broom or a dish rag and didn't know the grid coordinates to the kitchen). They were married over 60 years and neither of them felt abused or felt the need to get on a marriage forum.


Thank you for that insightful waltz through history!

How often did your grandparents have sex? Did your grandmother orgasm regularly? Did she even like sex or did she just put up with it? How often do you think she blew your granddad?

No answer huh? Guess we don't know as much about our parents and grandparents relationships as we thought we did.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> Don't do the 180 yet. Sit her down and tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels. Tell her what you need and ask her what she needs. If there is no remote chance at common ground, you might consider recommending a marriage counselor who specializes in sexless conditions.
> 
> There is a reason she has changed. It's your obligation to try and get that out of her. If she won't tell you, she's risking her marriage.


:iagree:

A 180 can work, but it can also backfire, especially if done incorrectly. Use the 180 as your last resort. Start crystal clear communication instead.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MisterGadget said:


> Happily married couple with Children and no Medical problems and are in good Health.
> 
> My wife used to be HD as i am now and always was.
> Over the past few years she became LD and i expected that things would go this way but not to the Lowest Point of 0.1
> ...



- Either she is having an affair (Emotional or Physical).

- after having the kids her hormones are changed and meds are required to get her back to normal and in the mood again.

- Maybe she is watching porn and masturbating often, so she doesn't want sex with you?


She raises the kids, doesn't work and stays home in her PJ's for most of the days. Nice.

To me, red flags!!!


As she is your wife, she is not her own and her body is yours and your body is hers. She is to take care of your needs period!!! And you are to take care of hers.

Has she gained unwanted weight and no longer feels sexy? And doesn't want sex because of that?

Have you gained unwanted weight and she no longer finds you hot?


I don't buy the excuse, its because of the kids. She chose to have kids and three of them, right? She could of worked part time and had only one kid. Or no kids and worked a full time job? Or only two kids and worked a part time job at home? All choices....


In my situation, my wifee was LD (sex 1x month) for 14 years of marriage due to her size, and not doing anything about it. Very insecure about herself. Now that she has lost 45 lbs in 4.5 months, many new clothes, she is coming out of her shell, even gives me oiled hand and breast jobs now. Sex is about 3x week but I still have to be the initiator because she is a passive woman. If I do nothing, she usually won't initiate. She wants and needs me to be the initiator even if she isn't in the mood. Can't expect a passive woman to be the initiator or an aggressive woman to be passive.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

pierrematoe said:


> It's your obligation to try and get that out of her.


Nope. It's his duty to communicate clearly that she is not meeting his sexual need to the extent that the marriage is threatened.

Then it is up to her, once having that clear signal, to respond by (1) sharing the reasons for her lack of drive, and (2) set about fixing her issues in earnest. Or, she can (3) explicitly or implicitly wind-down the relationship by failing to resolve the issue.

It's not his responsibility to pull this info out of her, because he cannot make her do it. All he can do is share his viewpoint and invite her to be a full partner in the marriage.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Big Dude said:


> If from her perspective the non-sexual parts of this marriage are good, this strategy might drive her to increase sexual frequency out of relationship insecurity. So you might go from duty sex once a month to duty sex twice a week. Would that be a good outcome for you?


You are pre-supposing that would be the outcome. The preferred outcome would be for her to not provide more duty sex, but instead to realize that isn't good for the marriage and figure out what is blocking her from providing a fulfilling sexual experience for him, if out of respect for him and the marriage if not true lust / horniness / desire.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

john117 said:


> I far prefer 0x than 12x.
> 
> 0x is a constant signal that something is wrong. 12x is not.
> 
> Way different but not better.


Agree. Also will note that having sex monthly allows her to tell herself that she is a good wife, because you will (apparently) happily accept whatever scraps of time and attention she dishes out.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Thank you for that insightful waltz through history!
> 
> How often did your grandparents have sex? Did your grandmother orgasm regularly? Did she even like sex or did she just put up with it? How often do you think she blew your granddad?
> 
> No answer huh? Guess we don't know as much about our parents and grandparents relationships as we thought we did.


Lawd, let's not go down this road again. 
Some men think, gee grandpa had it so much easier, but they don't know what was going on behind closed doors do they?

Don't know if grandma was putting out the dreaded duty sex once a month...:rofl:


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

Thanks for the replys.
Anon Pink i think your post stood out most here simply as its a bit ridiculous in parts but also it pointed out some gaps on may part.
We are in our early 30s

We have 4 kids (2 are in school) and 3rd is in a daycare till midday and the 4th is at home hes too young who doesn't nap during day
The 2 kids are brought to school via School bus (So no need for traffic chaos) 3rd child daycare is right up the road in walking distance (no need to break a sweat getting there)
and here's the Kicker I get them out to school I bring the child to daycare I feed the baby his breakfast I do all the morning household stuff simply as im up before everyone else and why not its not like its hard to do. :smthumbup:

So as a husband im to Pat my wife on the head give her a gold star sticker simply because she put dishes in the dishwasher and turned it on I do believe she passed 2nd grade and is no longer a child that needs rewards for actions.
I certainly don't need gold stars for getting up each day and sorting out household stuff..you just get it done.

Breakfast is eaten at the table so not much Cherios will go places and the Kids have a Playroom for activity's so no toys in the other areas of the home..Kids bed rooms are for sleeping so bed time is simple (no staying up with lights on etc) and they fall asleep quickly=More Parents time.

I spend on average 50 Hours a week or more at home with my family and just being alone with my wife so i dont see any problems there with time.

Our parents have passed away and any remaining family have emigrated so its just us and the kids so no holidays or time away from kids will happen unless we went separately but that wont help re kindle anything if we are apart and unable to converse and sort any problems we may have.

My wife has not gained much weight at all she is a size 14 (europe) and still very attractive.

My wife has no hobby's apart from gardening and she does that a two or more days a week,she is a member of the local PTA at the school and she is not interest in local clubs or working out in a gym she has a few local collogues but has no interest in there personal lives.

No we never fight EVER so no problems there.

When i try to talk to my wife about our relationship i get the rolling of the eyes attitude or im ignored with the Uhuh..yeah looking through me stare or just simply ignored.

So as you can see there also is not much for our kids to help out with unless they can put wet clothes on a washing line and mop floors but to put a child to work might be taken up the wrong way. No need to sweep floors (got a auto Vacuum machine and a auto Lawn mower) :smthumbup: they take a bit of time but they work so we don't have to.

So with all that said and combining my original Post...

Is this just Duty sex once a month?

and some of the replys have been just NUTs :rofl:
i ant gonna point fingers as beliefs are beliefs.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yeah well unless she is going to recognize it as a problem I would say that there is not much chance of things changing. 

Personally I doubt being more distant will help your sex life unless she interprets it as -she is about to loose you and better change. 

If she is rolling her eyes when you bring up this subject that would indicate to me that she does not believe it is a real problem.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not a 'problem' unless you both believe it's a problem. Otherwise it's just your problem and that's the real problem. Counseling seems pointless if one of you doesn't see a problem or resents you pointing out that it might be. So maybe the first thing to find out is whether they think this is a problem or not. Refuseing to answer that is the same as 'screw you' so you can draw your own conclusions from that.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I've been in a sexless marriage for a while so I'll offer my honest advice.

1. You're doing too much around the house. Stop. You just are. So you like tending to the kiddies and doing laundry. That is a commendable trait. Unfortunately it's not helping you.

2. Your once a month duty sex is going to turn into once a year duty sex. I'm living it. Once they turn off the faucet it's a wrap.

3. Try to understand that your marriage dynamics have now changed. You will not get that wife back. The excuses she gives, the avoidance of the conversation, the shrugging shoulders - all of that indicates a woman who DOES NOT WANT to have sex with you.

So ask yourself what you can live with. Forget about jumping through a bunch of ridiculous hoops like a love sick puppy hoping to get momentary pats on the head. The likelyhood she comes back to a normal vibrant passionate wife is probably nil. So improve yourself for that time when you will be ready to find a wife who will be what you need.

I know it's incredibly pessimistic but that's your life now. I'm living it man. It sucks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MisterGadget said:


> Thanks for the replys.
> Anon Pink i think your post stood out most here simply as its a bit ridiculous in parts but also it pointed out some gaps on may part.
> We are in our early 30s
> 
> ...


If you don't fight EVER, there are a TON of problems being rug swept here. Marriage is messy!

Okay, once again your post is devaluing whatever it is that she does during the day. Now it doesn't matter if she solves sudoku puzzles or makes her own finger paints and tap dances for the kids. Whatever it is. You don't value it. Therefore she doesn't feel valued.

You might then conclude that she should start doing things that are valuable. Okay, you might be right, but how is that going to get you laid?

So, stop devaluing her contribution to the family. Stop inflating how your contribution should be enough to get you laid.

For whatever reason, your wife doesn't see having sex with you as one of her priorities. Maybe, and this was what my post was trying to point out, she doesn't have a good grasp on what are her priorities. 

Maybe she's lazy, maybe he's bored, maybe she's bored with herself as much as she's bored with you.

You say you spend 50 hours a week at home but you don't mention how much of that time is you and her together doing something fun without kids, out of the house...without kids.

She has lost her sex drive. That is a huge problem! But distancing yourselves is shooting yourself in the foot. She won't talk about it with you? Insist she talk about it with a counselor/therapist. 

She seems unhappy being a SAHM, insist she go back to work. 

I had zero sex drive while my kids were young. My husband distanced. So that took our relationship from sexless to completely disconnected, where it stayed for YEARS!

If you can't live in this kind of relationship, don't be passive aggressive about it. Get to the bottom of what is going on. If she refuses to work with you and open up, you have to ask yourself why she can't trust you enough to open up to you? I think devaluing her day time whatever sn't helping your case here.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm thinking that if your wife doesn't get out of her pj's there's some depression going on here. Maybe staying at home isn't working for her? Has she seen a doctor? Does she get excited about anything? Your sex issue might be a symptom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DTO said:


> You are pre-supposing that would be the outcome. The preferred outcome would be for her to not provide more duty sex, but instead to realize that isn't good for the marriage and figure out what is blocking her from providing a fulfilling sexual experience for him, if out of respect for him and the marriage if not true lust / horniness / desire.



Actually, the preferred outcome is not to provide him with a fulfilling sexual experience. It's for her to realize that sex within a marriage is an important bonding experience that can be fulfilling for her as well as him. That's how you get an engaged partner; if the only goal is to fulfill him it's only a matter of how much duty sex is required to shut him up.

I know sex is important to my husband, but I look forward to it partly because I get a lot out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm thinking that if your wife doesn't get out of her pj's there's some depression going on here. Maybe staying at home isn't working for her? Has she seen a doctor? Does she get excited about anything? Your sex issue might be a symptom.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has a one year old baby. Post partum depression might be a part of her story. 

Add that to being tired from chasing after a one year old who won't nap at all, plus the other little one whom she picks up mid-day, before the other two come home. Just getting out of the house to grocery shop with a one year old is a project. 

So maybe some depression, some fatigue, never having any time away from the kids...

Does that mean she can't have sex? No, but if she doesn't feel like her contribution to the family is valued by her husband, then yeah, she might not want to have sex with him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

norajane said:


> She has a one year old baby. Post partum depression might be a part of her story.
> 
> Add that to being tired from chasing after a one year old who won't nap at all, plus the other little one whom she picks up mid-day, before the other two come home. Just getting out of the house to grocery shop with a one year old is a project.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree, and I think I brought up depression in another post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Yeah well unless she is going to recognize it as a problem I would say that there is not much chance of things changing.
> 
> Personally I doubt being more distant will help your sex life unless she interprets it as -she is about to loose you and better change.
> 
> *If she is rolling her eyes when you bring up this subject that would indicate to me that she does not believe it is a real problem.*


I disagree ... rolling her eyes is sarcasm. A very overt form of disrespect. She is able to treat you this way because you have not responded to the disrespect (yet).

Try this: (calmly but firmly using direct eye contact). "You will not disrespect me by rolling your eyes at me. We WILL discuss this tomorrow at 8PM". Turn and leave the room, ignore any comments.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Adding to the above, this form of disrespect (contempt) is the strongest sign of impending failure of a relationship. If not corrected - quickly and decisively - your relationship is all but over.

http://lifehacker.com/5990762/four-signs-your-relationship-may-be-doomed

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ct/201303/how-contempt-destroys-relationships


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Actually, the preferred outcome is not to provide him with a fulfilling sexual experience. It's for her to realize that sex within a marriage is an important bonding experience that can be fulfilling for her as well as him. That's how you get an engaged partner; if the only goal is to fulfill him it's only a matter of how much duty sex is required to shut him up.
> 
> I know sex is important to my husband, but I look forward to it partly because I get a lot out of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think you understood me well. A ways back, someone suggested doing a "180" would result in more duty sex driven by a hasty, fear-based reaction to his sudden "coolness" towards her (if there was any increase in sex at all). My response was this was neither the goal of the 180 nor the inevitable outcome.

I know duty sex doesn't last and breeds resentment. The goal of the 180 is not to just bump up the sex, but to get her to see how serious this is, address her issues, and learn to see value in a sexual relationship. She needs to emotionally "buy-in" that sex is beneficial to her and not something done to shut him up.

Obviously, it's best if she gets enough instant gratification so that sex is fun for her (as is the case for you). IMO, that may not be realistic (meaning she's turned off through no fault of the OP). If that is true, she still needs to find a way to meet his need cheerfully without falling into that "duty sex" mindset - _*that*_ was the point of my prior post.

She may open her eyes and see how important it is to him, and want him to be happy. Or she may have PPD and she needs a push in the right direction to deal with it. Or, whatever. She needs to find a way to respect his needs and meet them; this is way too important to just wait until she happens to be in the mood.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yes, I agree, and I think I brought up depression in another post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Several of us have brought it up. But as so often happens here in SIM he doesn't want to hear about issues she may be having. He only wants to hear things that reinforce his perception.


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

It aint Depression.

apart from being healthy and generally happy every day.
She has also been checked for Depression privately and all clear.

Im not an idiot ive read the Pregnancy books on our first child.

Maybe she just doesn't care for sex and intimacy any more maybe its just too much like work for her to bother.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

So, AnonPink, MC is in order?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MisterGadget said:


> It aint Depression.
> 
> apart from being healthy and generally happy every day.
> She has also been checked for Depression privately and all clear.
> ...


Listen, men come here about their sex life. As do women. But men just don't seem to get that for most women, the sex life is the barometer of the relationship in general. You think the problem is sex, her lack of desire and what most of the women here are saying is that sex is the symptom, the problem has to be identified.

A woman with 4 little ones, doesn't get out of her PJs, seems to not get much done during the day... Yes, something going on there. Go back through this thread and pick out the posts by women if you want to try understand what MIGHT be the problem. If it's not depression it is some sort of general discontent with her daily life. 

As much as we love and adore our kids, we do loose ourselves to parenting when they are little and require so very much from us.



LongWalk said:


> So, AnonPink, MC is in order?


Yes, I would suggest MC to at least help you two communicate better. She's not opening up to you, maybe the MC can help her do that and help you create a safe enough environment so she can!

OP's negative attitude shines through loud and clear. I have to wonder if his wife sees it and feels it. If she does..not going to take things in the direction toward a better relationship and better sex.


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

MC Could well be the answer in our case finding one will be another challenge and as the old saying goes 
"You can bring a horse to water but you cant make it drink"
(not to say she's a horse  )

If i came across as Negative i apologise its just when you get so many reply's and im crossing off the stereotypical suggestions one after another and in the end your kinda back at the beginning you do get frustrated.

I do appreciate all reply's and ill go over them again.


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