# need advice, our sex life is a disaster



## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

well as promised I am here making my own post, sorry but there is some back story first.

im approaching 50 yrs old husband is 52, we have been married just coming 31 years although together for 35 we have 3 grown up kids, who all have their own homes now. we have had a sexual relationship since first meeting all that time ago, however this is where the problem arose, I knew very little at all about sex, mum and dad where very lacking in info on that dept. it was mainly left for school to inform me about what happened, so when we did have sex I expected nothing much to be honest, and that's exactly what I got! school implied that it would be painful and unpleasant, they where right! from the word go pain is what I always felt, but as I was lead to believe this was normal I never questioned it. 

so fast forward a few years a marriage and 3 babies all born by c section. we got to a stage where sex was maybe once a year if that, after a particularly long abstainence my husband sat me down and we had a serious discussion and that involved divorce. he was convinced that I didn't love him, which was untrue, at that point I disclosed to him that I had been raped whilst at work several years before then, it was a time to put all the cards on the table or I wouldn't have said a word about that. during the talk I had said about how sex was always painful and that he convinced me to see the doctor, who, on my visit chatted about many things including asking me if I orgasmed? what? men did that? was my response, not women. so my eyes got opened to a lot of things that day! I came home with an appt to see a gyn and also an appt was being made to see a sex therapist for both of us.

on getting home I told hubby of the docs words, and he was clearly shocked to find I didn't know much at all, and he agreed that we needed to see a sex therapist to sort a lot of this all out, books where bought and read by both of us, toys where bought of varying types, they where tried a few times but nothing much changed so off we went to the therapist, we had our joint and individual sessions and she instructed us to perform sensate focus, this went on for month after month we never got very far with it at all as at best all it did was relax me to the point of falling asleep - not the result we expected, and each week on seeing her we got told more of the same! during one of our talks with her it was about arousal, and I stated I didn't have a clue about that at all, not once had I felt anything any differently than when I was washing the dishes or cooking etc etc, she of course just laughed at me and accused me of lieing needless to say it was very clear that this woman was on no help at all, however she was the only one that we could see, 

Time went by and we struggled on our own trying things out to make any effect on me at all still do this day I don't feel any arousal at all, the problem now is that this has left both of us exhausted, we have had little to no success at all and for the last couple of years I have been sleeping in the other bed and no sex has happened. when I ask my husband why he never approaches me he claims that he wants to have sex but that its my fault because I never initate anything, I have explained that I do, but the trouble is its so subtle he misses it, I have tried to be more blunt, he then promised to take more notice, this cycle of talk takes place about every 6 months or so but nothing changes, I hear the reasons why from him and I hear the promises to try harder but nothing ever happens, this leave me feeling un loved, unwanted useless etc etc, and that my only purpose now is to clean his house. 

now I must explain that I have dyslexia, so please bear that in mind with reading any replies you may give, I don't wish to sound harsh but I struggle at times with all this and putting my feelings into any form of words be that written or spoken. thanks


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

First of, I am soo sorry for what you two have been going through.

Unless I missed it, did you ever see the GYN? Are all the parts there?

Also, have you ever had your hormone levels checked?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

yes I sis see the gyn and all parts are in the right places, and see saw no reason for why I was in such pain, even with her examination I was crying and shaking! the best they could offer wa to use lindocaine before touching me there again

yes I have had hormones checked and they all came back normal - whatever my normal is I don't know! I have tried testosterone implants, even taken Viagra, amongst other things, and the only one that produced anything was the Viagra giving me the feeling of a slapped face! hot and stinging


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I want to ask if your husband is experienced as well. It doesn't sound like he is, since it seems he hasn't noticed your lack of arousal over the years. 

There are many, many ways to arouse a woman. And each woman has a different set of "buttons" to push, so to speak. While you may not know yours, your H should be looking for them! 

The rape is a terrible story, and I am so sorry that ever happened to you. These things tend to have long-lasting, negative effects. This could certainly be contributing to your issues and needs to be addressed. It doesn't sound like your counselor is the best; you have already guessed that. You may want to find someone who specializes in trauma rather than sex. 

Sex should not be painful. The very first time for a woman can be, but not the rest of her life. The gynocologist should be able to tell you if you are healthy there, and find out if there is anything you can do or need to do to change that situation. It would be difficult to get aroused for something that is painful. In your case, I think painful physically and emotionally. 

I wish you the best of progress in this. Posting here means you are really trying to figure it out and I have faith you will.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

no we are each others firsts, if you hadn't guessed the rape thing has been done and dealt with, its not something that is on eithers mind and certainly hasn't any bearing as such on what is going on between us now or before that happened, as things where just the same before the rape

husband no just avoids sex with me totally, at best I get a kiss before he goes to bed or work and that is it!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Does your H find it difficult to get an erection? Does he try to gain your entusiasm with other methods, such as oral, manual etc? It sounds like he's not all that involved in the process to me.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

he has no problems at all getting hard or keeping it, hes tried oral etc etc on me, it is what it is, just licking for the sake of it,or poking me with his fingers, hes read books about what he should be doing but well, it doesn't do anything at all


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Having been through a sexless marriage, I am sorry to hear of your situation. 

While I don't believe in the magic one size fits all "fix" solutions some things in your post stood out for me

1) Initiating Sex - some women struggle with this but it is important to remember, particularly if your husband has felt unloved or rejected in the past, if you are going to initiate you should try to be fun and or seductive but there is no need to subtly. The whole point of initiation is to make the other person feel attractive and desired. A simple invitation for sex or notice that sex is now permissible, doesn't accomplish this and is rarely appealing against a background of hurt.

2) what are each of your looking for? I'm unclear what exactly both you and your husband are looking for in your sex life.I gather your husband wants to feel loved and as with many men, feelings of love and acceptance are associated with sex. But is there any part of the overall experience of sex that you find enjoyable? Even if you don't experience genital arousal do you experience sensual pleasure in simply getting naked together? Do you find it a bonding experience? If it were not for the pain do you enjoy giving your husband pleasure or is the entire experience from beginning to end merely a "chore" or worse?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi Unloved,

Glad you were able to start your own thread as there are a lot of knowledgeable people here.

You had said elsewhere that you saw many similarities between my story and yours. 

The fact of the matter is that you might never have an orgasm. That is unfortunate - and I hope that is untrue - however at this point, nobody can come on here and tell you to do x,y,z and it will happen. What makes orgasm happen is individual to each person. Therefore, I have hope that you will be able to orgasm in the future, but since nobody can guarantee this result let's just put that one to the side.

Here is a point we are similar on - lack of emotional/sexual intimacy with a husband. You wouldn't think that you could live with a man for 20 or 30 years and not really know him in that way. Especially with childbearing and many of life's twists and turns. One would think that a husband would be the closest person to you and really know your soul over that much time - but this is not necessarily true. 

You guys getting decades into your relationship and neither person mentioning orgasm or painful intercourse - that is an indicator that there is no sexual intimacy present. You were raped and didn't confide in your husband that this had happened to you until much later. And now, sleeping in different bedrooms and carrying on with life as normal when there is this big, huge lack of intimacy present. Your children are grown and there are just the two of you and no intimacy. Again, I'm not talking about physical intimacy at all. I am talking about emotional intimacy. 

My husband and I have this problem as well. In some ways I feel he knows me better than anyone on the planet. Sexually I feel like he knows 45% of me. That is probably 40% higher than I would have told you last January. Last January I would have said he only knew me 5% sexually. I think there are personality types - I am one, you might be one as well - that shrinks from confrontation and hurt feelings. If my husband had asked me anything sexual in the past 18 years I would have been more than happy to open up to him. He never asked me anything, not when I had my period, not did you like last night, not are you having orgasms. Nothing. No conversation. That is one part of the problem, he didn't seem to care or want to know me sexually. 

The other part of the problem, though, is me and how I took no opportunity to tell him I wasn't happy or whatever else. I know you are feeling rage right now (at least I infer this from some of your posts.) I am feeling rage right now as well. I feel hatred for every man I had sex with because none asked me how to make it better for me. I feel rage at my husband for not asking me the most. I feel rage at myself for never speaking up. I'm 44 years old! My sexual age is probably more like 19 because of how awkward and clueless I am at this point. I've been sexually active for half my life and am just now starting to feel real sexual arousal. 

Therefore, I get that part of your experience. I do. It's really difficult to start a conversation about sex when you aren't accustomed to it. My husband infers I am unhappy every time I bring sex up - that I have a complaint. And this is not true - but I realize it is uncomfortable for him to talk about it after so many years of never saying a word. So I keep trying - but it is difficult to do so.

You can only be as close to people as they will let you. If a person won't talk about their innermost feelings you cannot know them in that way. I've made this mistake over and over again in my life - with parents and friends and lovers - not letting people know me, that is. At 44 it's difficult to change. At 50 it's difficult to change. Hell, it is difficult at any age.

I understand your anger and resentment towards your husband, but from what you write I can't agree that you are 'unloved by him'. What I imagine is a man who was behaving in the way he was trained to behave. I imagine a man who wanted his wife to enjoy sex but was uneducated about the female response and female orgasm. I imagine a man who's wife is now completely blocked off to him behind a brick wall of resentment. I don't imagine he is a mean man - is he? Perhaps he IS mean in this and many other ways in his life but, if so, you haven't mentioned that he abuses you. 

Sorry this is so long. 

In any case - perhaps the physical side will never catch up to what you hoped it could be but there are also great rewards to be had in emotional intimacy. For that, two people have to open up and make themselves available to each other. 

My journey here started out because I wanted to have orgasms with my husband. I have had a handful. However, through the journey I have come to realize that the times I feel he's really there with me and I feel loved and cherished by him are not necessarily the same times I had orgasms. The times I had orgasms I had to be more focused on myself and what was going on, it was a mental practice - the other times I was actually BEING with him - if that makes sense. This feeling of intimacy can happen without anything sexual going on, in my opinion. 

Best wishes to you and your husband.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think Miss Scarlet is onto something. 

Any normal man would find it extremely difficult to want to have sex with someone who not only gets no physical enjoyment but actually experiences pain. Before he was just conveniently ignorant -but now he knows.

This is something you might really have to work hard to convince him you actually want because your husband is probably trying to spare you because he cares about you.

My feeling is that if you made it though your teens without any sensation there you probably never will experience that. 

But I agree with Miss Scarlet that maybe you to can find some emotional intimacy. At 52 sex is probably not as high on his list as it used to be.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Hi Unloved,
> 
> Glad you were able to start your own thread as there are a lot of knowledgeable people here.
> 
> ...


clearly im not going to die from the lack of orgasms, but we will never know if I am capable if we don't do something to enable them to start


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

Lionelhutz said:


> Having been through a sexless marriage, I am sorry to hear of your situation.
> 
> While I don't believe in the magic one size fits all "fix" solutions some things in your post stood out for me
> 
> ...


*to know that I can at least do something right!*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

unlovedbyhim said:


> when I ask my husband why he never approaches me he claims that he wants to have sex but that its my fault because I never initate anything, I have explained that I do, but the trouble is its so subtle he misses it, I have tried to be more blunt, he then promised to take more notice, this cycle of talk takes place about every 6 months or so but nothing changes, I hear the reasons why from him and I hear the promises to try harder but nothing ever happens, this leave me feeling un loved, unwanted useless etc etc, and that my only purpose now is to clean his house.


I'm happy you made a thread 
What have you tried when you initiate?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I would have a hard time approaching my wife to be intimate if I knew it was painful for her and that she didn't enjoy it. Him learning that must have destroyed him. Also you stated there have been times where you have gone years where you would have sex once a year. In those years a disconnect definitely happened. You became roommates. Your situation is one of the hardest I have heard of on this site. I feel for you and your husband.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

A random question, unloved - in your attempts towards arousal did you experiment with any visual stimulation - I.e. pornography? There is a US doctor, Dr Laura Berman, who treats women for these things. She first gathers biofeedback while a woman watches a film to see if there is arousal and how much.

Were you still having pain when you had sex last?

Did you notice any difference in your sex drive or response during your pregnancies?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> A random question, unloved - in your attempts towards arousal did you experiment with any visual stimulation - I.e. pornography? There is a US doctor, Dr Laura Berman, who treats women for these things. She first gathers biofeedback while a woman watches a film to see if there is arousal and how much.*yes he put a dvd on, but I ended up just getting up and walking out the room, it made me feel even worse! a reminder that I couldn't do even the basic things, I cant get even get wet! I would end up in tears. yes I know about her but unfortunately im not in the USA I live in England and there just isn't anything like that available to me, now if only I was a man because the health system goes full out on men if they have these problems but women? well excuse me being blunt, but I still have a hole he can use and who cares if it hurts me or not, is the attitude I have received from doctors here in the uk *
> 
> Were you still having pain when you had sex last?*oh yes! and that was only from his finger, it ws esp difficult due to us being away on holiday and he had left it til the very last day of a 2 weeks away before even trying anything, I had many other things on my mind at that time, such as packing the camping things away and then the long drive home, yet again it was a failure and resulted in more tears on my part, and many excuses on his, you wouldn't believe how many excuses I have heard from him, he certainly has a colourful repetoir of them*
> 
> Did you notice any difference in your sex drive or response during your pregnancies?*no nothing at all as during pregnancy he never went near me at all, I was even told at 8 months preggy that I hadn't got a sex bone in my body!*


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm happy you made a thread
> What have you tried when you initiate?*on a night when watching tv I have my head on his lap, I have tried by using my hand and getting him hard but in a subtle way, ok he shouldn't have been able to ignore the fact he was hard, but he hasn't registered that it was my hand that did that!*


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

I would just like to add that during the time of the sex therapist being involved, one of her questions was about what did I want to be achieved from seeing her? I told her that for a start I would like him to do what he promises, you see when we do have talks about this he makes these promises that things will change and that he will try harder etc etc, but what he omits to say is that these promises come with a time limit of about 3-6 months, to which he then reverts back to his old ways, you can imagine after 35 yrs together this has now become a bit "old" and I don't believe a single word he says to me anymore, I have heard it all! so I don't think I was asking for something that was unreasonable, for the last 10 yrs of this problem I have committed myself to finding a solution, but unfortunately not once has he put any effort into any of it at all, he sees it as being my problem and as he "works" fully perfectly then why should he need to do anything?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

unlovedbyhim said:


> , you see when we do have talks about this he makes these promises that things will change and that he will try harder etc etc, but what he omits to say is that these promises come with a time limit of about 3-6 months, to which he then reverts back to his old ways, you can imagine after 35 yrs together this has now become a bit "old" and I don't believe a single word he says to me anymore, I have heard it all! so I don't think I was asking for something that was unreasonable, for the last 10 yrs of this problem I have committed myself to finding a solution, but unfortunately not once has he put any effort into any of it at all, he sees it as being my problem and as he "works" fully perfectly then why should he need to do anything?


I can see both sides here. I know how horrible it feels when your partner isn't putting in the effort or only putting in some effort and then quitting. He should make this a priority and keep working to make it right. This journey could be fun for the both of you. 

That said, not being able to get you to a point that is even above how you would feel if you were washing or cooking is a tough place to start, also knowing that it might end with you in tears could make him just want to avoid it. If he doesn't want you to be in pain and doesn't know what to do to make it pleasurable he might be giving up so he doesn't hurt you or feel like a failure. 

Does he use a lot of lube when you were having sex or he is using his fingers? Did he wait until you were relaxed? Do you ever read erotic books? Don't feel bad about this being something you _can't_ do, every woman is different. A lot of times just having the pressure to O will make it impossible because are minds aren't relaxed. 

I think what I would do is keep trying to find out on my own what I enjoy so I could then teach him. You are asking that he change- are there specific things you are wanting him to try and he hasn't? What excuses is he making?

ETA- Maybe you both need to focus more on getting you ready and aroused first before focusing on the act itself. I know I have videos by Jason Julius where he gives instructions on how to get some women in the right mindset. If you can get over the fact that he looks a little greasy  I'm sure there are more than focus on just that part of it as well.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I can see both sides here. I know how horrible it feels when your partner isn't putting in the effort or only putting in some effort and then quitting. He should make this a priority and keep working to make it right. This journey could be fun for the both of you. *FUN??????? what is fun about it?*
> 
> That said, not being able to get you to a point that is even above how you would feel if you were washing or cooking is a tough place to start, also knowing that it might end with you in tears could make him just want to avoid it. If he doesn't want you to be in pain and doesn't know what to do to make it pleasurable he might be giving up so he doesn't hurt you or feel like a failure.
> 
> ...


*I was trying to focus on if and when I felt aroused, im still waiting!!!!! see part of the problem about this kinda stuff is that you all take things so much for granted, and when one main part is missing such as arousal if I do as you suggest and look at the video all they go on about is something I simply cant/don't ever feel I have no idea what on earth I am meant to feel either*


see when ever he does try anything all I can think of is oh no not again here we go again and im going to fcuk it up again


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

unlovedbyhim said:


> "FUN??????? what is fun about it?"


It can be fun to explore each other, even find stuff that doesn't work. Some of the my favorite sexual memories were when we tried something and it failed so miserably that we just ended up laughing so hard we couldn't do anything. I know that _needing _to make it work makes it a lot harder to get to the laughing it off stage though. Was there any point when he was trying that it felt fun for you?



unlovedbyhim said:


> relaxed?= asleep I have no idea what relaxed actually is. I don't read books full stop (see reference in post number one about me having dyslexia) but even if you took away the requirement for me to learn to O that would involve us actually doing something wouldn't it? which just isn't happening no matter what I try or say to him


Relaxed mind and body. Not worrying, not thinking about anything other than how it feels and body not tense and expecting pain. If you enjoy books like those you could always ask him to read parts out to you and make it part of foreplay? Are you wanting him to have sex with you regardless of you learning to O and being in pain? 



unlovedbyhim said:


> "I was trying on my own, using the largest most powerful vib I could get hold of other than a workman wacker plate!! lol all it ever did was vibrate it did nothing else no matter what or where or when I tried"


LOL Have you also tried something smaller and more delicate as well? Powerful vibs sometimes just make me go numb instead of O. You can use the big one to massage other parts of your body as well to lead into it.




unlovedbyhim said:


> *I was trying to focus on if and when I felt aroused, im still waiting!!!!!r*
> 
> 
> see when ever he does try anything all I can think of is oh no not again here we go again and im going to fcuk it up again


Try to let your mind relax and not focus or wait for arousal. You aren't Fing anything up. It's not a science. It's Ok to try things that don't work, there's nothing wrong with you if it doesn't. I wish you had access to a better sex therapist that you are comfortable with. I do actually have those videos I mentioned downloaded if I could find a way to send them electronically to you.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It can be fun to explore each other, even find stuff that doesn't work. Some of the my favorite sexual memories were when we tried something and it failed so miserably that we just ended up laughing so hard we couldn't do anything. I know that _needing _to make it work makes it a lot harder to get to the laughing it off stage though. Was there any point when he was trying that it felt fun for you?*no never its never involved anything remotely fun at all*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I can fall asleep I do that really well and without trying to hard! lol trouble even then my mind don't shut up as I dream a lot im often more tired when I wake up than before getting into bed

oh and if it don't work? well clearly there is something wrong with me, hes told me often enough, sex therapist told me gyn told me, books have told me, even posters on here have claimed that about their wives


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I looked up your symptoms and came up with
"Sexual Arousal Disorder"

Here is an article on it 
Discovery Health "Sexual Arousal Disorder: "I Just Can't Get Excited""

There is a page 2 of the article so hit the arrows to go there.

It seems like you don't really fit the usual criteria for having this, but everyone is different. In my opinion, even though your hormones checked out, I would probably try some, maybe the testosterone. I know that you tried some already, but maybe it was the wrong type. Do you have bio identical hormones available in the UK?

I am really sorry for what you have been going through. We have a lot in common, in terms of age and length of marriage. I can't imagine being married 30 years and never receiving pleasure from sex. I truly do feel for you.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

JustHer said:


> I looked up your symptoms and came up with
> "Sexual Arousal Disorder"
> 
> Here is an article on it
> ...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

unlovedbyhim said:


> no we are each others firsts, if you hadn't guessed the rape thing has been done and dealt with, its not something that is on eithers mind and certainly hasn't any bearing as such on what is going on between us now or before that happened, as things where just the same before the rape
> 
> husband no just avoids sex with me totally, at best I get a kiss before he goes to bed or work and that is it!


I hinted at this before in the other thread, but it needs to be said directly - 

I wouldn't be having sex with you either. Full Stop.

You know how much physical enjoyment you get out of sex, right? Exactly zero. It's not much better to be the person in bed with a woman who doesn't want to be there and has seemingly no capacity to enjoy herself in any way. 

Until you can figure out how to make progress in tapping into your sexuality, your husband will continue to show no interest in you whatsoever.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

unlovedbyhim said:


> clearly im not going to die from the lack of orgasms, but we will never know if I am capable if we don't do something to enable them to start


At this point, there is no "we" to this part of the problem.

The burden of figuring out if you are even possibly orgasmic falls squarely on your shoulders. Maybe it's not intentional, but blaming your husband for this mess is deflection. I'm not uncaring nor unmoved by your problem, but as stated, it's a problem ONLY YOU CAN SOLVE.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

jee thanks Cletus you know what? I wouldn't even consider getting into bed with you with an attitude like you shown above! although I do get your point, this is not about me as such, its about him and all the lies and deceit he has projected onto me


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

unlovedbyhim said:


> jee thanks Cletus you know what? I wouldn't even consider getting into bed with you with an attitude like you shown above! although I do get your point, this is not about me as such, its about him and all the lies and deceit he has projected onto me


I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to be honest and straightforward. 

No man wants to be in bed with a woman who cannot enjoy herself and who experiences pain at every sexual encounter. Unless you're married to a gynecologist, your husband is completely unequipped to help you out here, and has probably resigned himself to the necessities of a sexless marriage.

If this is the truth, what are you willing to do to fix it? If you've gone 52 years without an orgasm, have never felt any form of sexual excitement EVER, you need the help of a professional. This is not within your husband's abilities to solve.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think you are being unrealistic unlovedbyhim.

You seem to expect your husband to continuously try to make you orgasm when you can't even make yourself orgasm. If you can't do it yourself your husband will certainly never be able to do it for you.

You want him to have sex with you when it hurts you. I do not understand why?

Can't you two find other ways to express love that do not involve screwing?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wait, is it true you get zero enjoyment from sex? No orgasms either? Personally I find at my age (43) I can't get hard if I get even the slightest hint that she's not into it.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> I think you are being unrealistic unlovedbyhim.
> 
> You seem to expect your husband to continuously try to make you orgasm when you can't even make yourself orgasm. If you can't do it yourself your husband will certainly never be able to do it for you.*for 10 yrs I have been trying everything and anything I can and none of it has worked, I don't really think I ever will orgasm, but this whole thing, like in Miss Scarletts case isn't just about orgasm, *
> 
> ...


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

Cletus said:


> I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to be honest and straightforward. *but you have missed the whole point, its not about a lack of orgasms I couldn't careless if I ever do or not, its about the complete lack of him showing any form or interest in me at all, you have no idea how I feel totally unloved by him, every woman wants to believe her man finds her beautiful, that he loves her, wants to be with her, well I SERIOUSLY DONT think he does, and never had done either due to all the lies and the deceit he has shown me over the years*
> 
> No man wants to be in bed with a woman who cannot enjoy herself and who experiences pain at every sexual encounter. Unless you're married to a gynecologist, your husband is completely unequipped to help you out here, and has probably resigned himself to the necessities of a sexless marriage.
> 
> If this is the truth, what are you willing to do to fix it? If you've gone 52 years without an orgasm, have never felt any form of sexual excitement EVER, you need the help of a professional. This is not within your husband's abilities to solve. *im 50 in july this year!*


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"it would be nice if he shown some sort of interest in me at all"

This is what Scarlett and I where saying. 

Find other ways besides screwing. You two need to find ways to express love that is not dependent on you using lindocaine.

Does he like HJs and or BJs?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Wait, is it true you get zero enjoyment from sex? No orgasms either? Personally I find at my age (43) I can't get hard if I get even the slightest hint that she's not into it.


*enjoyment? nope not in the physical sense, but the actual act shows he has some need for me and I feel better knowing that I serve some purpose, him getting hard isn't the problem as he finds that very easy*


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> "it would be nice if he shown some sort of interest in me at all"
> 
> This is what Scarlett and I where saying.
> 
> ...


*do bears poop in the woods! lol of course he does, but that don't mean that I do them at the moment, its rather difficult from separate bedrooms*


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I think what some of the other posters were trying to say, and maybe not so well, is that your husband probably has felt unloved for a long time too.

Let me try to explain. Men need their woman to "want" them and to "enjoy" them. I can imagine that your husband doesn't feel like you "want" him if you can't enjoy it. Most men want their wives to put on something sexy, give him that look that say's "I want you, I need you, come f**k me". They *need* to know that their wife is enjoying it.

For years you could not enjoy sex, you did not want him in the way he needs you to want him. Because of this he has felt very rejected and unloved. Day after day, year after year.

Now, I am not saying it is your fault. You two are the victims of a horrible circumstance that is beyond your control. Nevertheless, this has left you BOTH feeling rejected and unloved. This isn't just about you, he feels the same way. The problem is, he can't give you what you need just like you can't give him what he needs.

It is not in his programming to cuddle or even have sex if it is not fulfilling to both of you. He now knows that no matter what he does, what the two of you do, you will never "want" him like that or enjoy him. To have sex with you leaves him feeling more empty and rejected than not having sex, so his answer is to avoid sex. 

Sex is physically painful to you and emotionally painful to him. You two are in a loose loose situation and it sucks.

I do not know what the answer is for the two of you at this point. You are BOTH feeling rejected and unloved. NIETHER of you are getting your needs met. If you cannot discuss this and come up with a compromise then you are faced with this following you for the rest of your married life.

I am truly sorry.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Have the two of you considered letting go of the issue of sex for a little while and addressing your marriage in general? To be frank, it doesn't sound like your marriage outside of sex is all that great. Do the two of you date? Do you enjoy doing things together, holding hands, kissing, snuggling? Do you talk about more than everyday logistical matters? Do you praise and compliment one another? Is your marriage happy?

I think the more you focus on sex as the defining issue, the more both of you feel like failures. There's just so much pressure, anger, stress and a sort of manic desperation surrounding it all. And it's obviously not something that's going to be resolved any time soon. So, maybe it's time to focus, at least for a little while, on what is good and what does work. And if the stuff aside from sex isn't good and doesn't work, then it's time to improve that.

By the way, what do you mean by "all the lies and the deceit he has shown me over the years"?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

JustHer said:


> I think what some of the other posters were trying to say, and maybe not so well, is that your husband probably has felt unloved for a long time too.
> 
> Let me try to explain. Men need their woman to "want" them and to "enjoy" them. I can imagine that your husband doesn't feel like you "want" him if you can't enjoy it. Most men want their wives to put on something sexy, give him that look that say's "I want you, I need you, come f**k me". They *need* to know that their wife is enjoying it.*clearly I do want him, maybe not in the same sense of the word as the rest of you or I wouldn't be bothering with making this post would I?*
> 
> ...


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Have the two of you considered letting go of the issue of sex for a little while and addressing your marriage in general? *we haven't had sex for several years now* To be frank, it doesn't sound like your marriage outside of sex is all that great. Do the two of you date? Do you enjoy doing things together, holding hands, kissing, snuggling? Do you talk about more than everyday logistical matters? Do you praise and compliment one another? Is your marriage happy?*date? does the local supermarket count as going on a date? ive said earlier the best he does is to peck me on the cheek before bed no we don't hold hands etc etc *
> 
> I think the more you focus on sex as the defining issue, the more both of you feel like failures. There's just so much pressure, anger, stress and a sort of manic desperation surrounding it all. And it's obviously not something that's going to be resolved any time soon. So, maybe it's time to focus, at least for a little while, on what is good and what does work. And if the stuff aside from sex isn't good and doesn't work, then it's time to improve that.
> 
> By the way, what do you mean by "all the lies and the deceit he has shown me over the years"?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

"and never had done either due to all the lies and the deceit he has shown me over the years"

Can you explain what he has lied about? Is it that he would try and then gives up? 

I know you said you aren't sure what "relaxed" is, do you like bubble baths? With candles and soft music?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> "and never had done either due to all the lies and the deceit he has shown me over the years"
> 
> Can you explain what he has lied about? Is it that he would try and then gives up? *he makes promise to change and to do things, but only does them for short periods, I could go into the lies more but at the moment im a bit raw as son and I have just caught him out right this moment with one, waiting for him to return home to explain and apologise to son for what hes done this time, roll on the excuses again!*
> 
> I know you said you aren't sure what "relaxed" is, do you like bubble baths? With candles and soft music?


*no I don't like baths all that much, I get bored so its get it wash hair wash body then get out, longest I will be in is about 20 mins max*


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Unloved - does your husband also want to try to repair your marriage? I believe that you do want to repair it. Are the two of you talking about your situation at all, your marriage? Is he willing to discuss it at all?

I commend you on how much you have undergone to try to find your orgasm. It truly sounds like you have done everything suggested to you. Therapy, meds, seeing the doctor, educating your husband, trying the exercises the therapists and doctors have set before you.

You are not broken - no more than anyone else is. While my situation is not a duplicate of yours - I can very much relate to feeling broken. Some ladies need no more than a passing glance to bring them off. It is entirely depressing to read accounts of the wild, easy sex other women are having. One does grieve deeply for what one cannot have in life.

My situation is deepened by long term infertility. Again, the feeling of your body having betrayed you. The things that happen thoughtlessly to other women are not yours to have. Our bodies do betray us, through orgasm, through being barren, through cancer and innumerable other ways. What is thoughtless pleasure to one woman is another woman's greatest pain.

What can we do but to try and enjoy what we do have in the short time we are here? Your children are grown - if you do not enjoy your husbands company, if he does not enjoy yours - perhaps it is time to end this. If you are willing and he is willing to forge a new relationship that would be wonderful. Certainly there is an entire range of physical affection to explore that doesn't involve anything sexual. After 30 years of marriage I would like for my husband to hold me and say kind things to me. 

There is also a large range of emotion to explore that does not involve anything sexual. 

If he is not willing to try an forge a new relationship with you perhaps this has gone as far as it will.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

10 percent of women never orgasm, so you are not unique. What happens when you do oral on him? Does that take the pressure off you to feel something? Or would he not like that? Can you go down on him and then cuddle afterwards?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

indiecat said:


> 10 percent of women never orgasm, so you are not unique.
> 
> What happens when you do oral on him?*I will lend you a book of ours to explain that happens if you like lol*
> 
> ...


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Unloved - does your husband also want to try to repair your marriage? I believe that you do want to repair it. Are the two of you talking about your situation at all, your marriage? Is he willing to discuss it at all?
> 
> I commend you on how much you have undergone to try to find your orgasm. It truly sounds like you have done everything suggested to you. Therapy, meds, seeing the doctor, educating your husband, trying the exercises the therapists and doctors have set before you.
> 
> ...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

If you give him a BJ what exactly would you like him to do for you in return?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You need a hobby. Volunteer someplace. Do something with your time. My wife volunteers at an animal shelter. You should try something like that. Make your own happyness. Your own purpose.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> If you give him a BJ what exactly would you like him to do for you in return?


I have no idea, the thought never entered my head

as for working on me I am not even going to bother answering that one


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

unlovedbyhim said:


> I have no idea, the thought never entered my head
> 
> as for working on me I am not even going to bother answering that one


But that does not match what you said here when asked about you giving him oral sex:

"yeah of course but that has been part of the problem that sex from the start has been so one sided that I never really got one second of a thought, hence why we are here today, because I have put a stop to all that, if he cant be bothered to take into account my feelings in this then we aren't going to be doing anything, and the lack of doing anything now speaks volumes to me, because it means that he really cant be bothered to think of anyone else other than himself"

You say you put a stop to it because you get nothing in return. 

*So you must want something from him.*


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Unloved, it does sound like finding things you enjoy, hobbies and friends of your own would not go amiss. You are giving your husband way too much power as if he is the only portal to a happy life. You must not continue on this path - you are miserable. You have to stay married to your husband - fine. Stay married to him. Is there nothing in life that interests you? Something that isn't done out of obligation or duty? We are all responsible for our own happiness, this cannot be given by another person. Do you not enjoy books or the arts or history or helping others? Certainly there is something that could provide you some enjoyment from life.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> But that does not match what you said here when asked about you giving him oral sex:
> 
> "yeah of course but that has been part of the problem that sex from the start has been so one sided that I never really got one second of a thought, hence why we are here today, because I have put a stop to all that, if he cant be bothered to take into account my feelings in this then we aren't going to be doing anything, and the lack of doing anything now speaks volumes to me, because it means that he really cant be bothered to think of anyone else other than himself"
> 
> ...


k how about love and respect and adoration for a start?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

unlovedbyhim said:


> k how about love and respect and adoration for a start?


Love and respect are givens as necessary for a successful marriage.

Adoration is the cherry on top, but that one needs to be earned. 

If you had those things from your husband, would your sex life improve (this is in the sex section, after all). It's not clear to me that this is what's interfering with your physical intimacy, even if it's clearly interfering with your marriage in general.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Unloved, it does sound like finding things you enjoy, hobbies and friends of your own would not go amiss. You are giving your husband way too much power as if he is the only portal to a happy life. You must not continue on this path - you are miserable. You have to stay married to your husband - fine. Stay married to him. Is there nothing in life that interests you? Something that isn't done out of obligation or duty? We are all responsible for our own happiness, this cannot be given by another person. Do you not enjoy books or the arts or history or helping others? Certainly there is something that could provide you some enjoyment from life.


I have a couple of hobbies i.e. family history and doing crafts etc etc, but neither of which are something that are done out of this house, and neither of which are something that he would help me with so I do have other interests, but they aren't the problem are they? 

at the end of the day, we are married and he just dosent have a clue on the fact that he doesn't show me any love or adoration at all, why is it so hard to want to show your love for your wife by having mutul sex with her? and not just using her for your own purposes


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

unlovedbyhim said:


> at the end of the day, we are married and he just dosent have a clue on the fact that he doesn't show me any love or adoration at all, why is it so hard to want to show your love for your wife by having mutul sex with her? and not just using her for your own purposes


Any chance you're actually going to listen to and internalize the comments made by many here on why your husband might not be interested in sex? 

Why come to a forum seeking help only to ignore the points made time and again by those here?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

It seems like if he is giving you a peck every day he must have some feeling for you. 

Maybe asking him to try to make you like sex and have orgasms is just too much though because I don't see it as being possible.

But I would think that if neither of you is really interested in divorce than you could negotiate on things that each of you can provide to the other to feel loved, respected and adored. I suspect that he does not feel those things from you either.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

im not ignoring anything Cletus, if I don't respond then its because I don't understand what your asking


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

unlovedbyhim said:


> im not ignoring anything Cletus, if I don't respond then its because I don't understand what your asking


Ok, I can be pretty terse. Ask for clarification on anything that's unclear.

The point repeatedly made that you should understand is that a man will lose his sexual interest in his spouse when she can't enjoy it, or worse, actually experiences pain from it. It is inevitable. It is guaranteed. It will happen 9999 times out of 10000. And if sex becomes non-existent in a marriage, that same spouse will do all sorts of things to protect himself from ever getting aroused by his wife, up to and including removing affection.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Ok, I can be pretty terse. Ask for clarification on anything that's unclear.
> 
> The point repeatedly made that you should understand is that a man will lose his sexual interest in his spouse when she can't enjoy it, or worse, actually experiences pain from it. It is inevitable. It is guaranteed. It will happen 9999 times out of 10000. And if sex becomes non-existent in a marriage, that same spouse will do all sorts of things to protect himself from ever getting aroused by his wife, up to and including removing affection.


you make it sound like the pain I have is done deliberately! 

" I can be pretty terse" - yeah to the point of being obnoxious and dam right rude!

I don't have the pain during the day, and when we have regular sex although there is pain, it is no where near as bad as when HE has decided to not have sex for whatever reason like now and leave things like now for the last 2 years! I dread the pain if and when HE did decide to try again in the future you are trying to imply that I have never made the effort to start the sex with him off, that is not true, I have tried many many times but it gets ignored, and even when I have brought that up and said I have tried, HE didn't ever register that I had tried, HE then promised to take more notice, which HE never did


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I think you are too defensive to get much from this forum.
Could you and your husband go to general marriage counseling?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

unlovedbyhim said:


> why is it so hard to want to show your love for your wife by having mutul sex with her? and not just using her for your own purposes


When he was trying different things how was his attitude? Did he seem bored or annoyed or did he seem like he was really trying but got frustrated and quit? 

Did he ever give you any ideas on what you could do to initiate that he would take notice of?

Are you sexually attracted to him?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

Slowly - he was doing it like he was following a set of instructions from a book, and something that he had been kinda shamed into doing.

no ideas given at all.

I don't know what you mean by sexually attracted


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am not trying to be rude here but you seem to have difficulty with communication and understanding common language. Do you think you could have Asperger's?


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

no I don't have aspergers, what I do have is a complete lacking of understanding what you all take for granted when it comes down to anything sexual.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

That is understandable. But it is also that lack of understanding of sexual needs and sexuality that has been a communication barrier with your husband. 

You keep looking at this issue from your own eyes. We keep trying to help you see it from your husbands eyes too. This isn't just about you, it is about the two of you. Yet you are so focused on yourself that you are missing the advice from a lot of people that are trying to help you. 

You have to start looking at this from his eyes too if you want to get this resolved. My suggestion is to go back over this thread and try to read it again with a more open mind.

Also, no one here is suggesting that the problem is solely yours, but you are the one who came here for help and that help means you are the one that will have to implement any changes that come about between you and your husband. He may or may not be willing to work with you on this, I don't know. But the only person YOU have any control over is YOU, so the changes have to start with YOU. Hopefully, after a while, he will come on board too.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Unloved - I think we agree that there is much emotional intimacy, physical affection an companionship be had in a marriage without sex.

If you were hungry and the only way you could eat was causing a person you cared for pain - your feelings about food would change over time. While we need food to live, people do not need sex to live. At this point in time he likely doesn't care for it any more than you do. 

Perhaps in time your sexual relationship will resume - but not without a huge change in emotional intimacy. As the person who needs things to change you are going to have to go first with trying to bridge this gap.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

unlovedbyhim said:


> Slowly - he was doing it like he was following a set of instructions from a book, and something that he had been kinda shamed into doing.
> 
> no ideas given at all.
> 
> I don't know what you mean by sexually attracted


Did you give positive response to what he was doing, even if it was only for the effort? 

Do you want to see him naked, touch him, think he's good looking, fantasize about him (even if it's only just kissing or holding hands)? That's what I meant by sexually attracted.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Did you give positive response to what he was doing, even if it was only for the effort? erm no because he wasn't doing it because he wanted to be doing it, he only ever did anything because of reading a book telling him he should have done it
> 
> Do you want to see him naked
> , touch him,
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Just what every man wants his wife to think of him! What a lucky guy.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

"You keep looking at this issue from your own eyes. We keep trying to help you see it from your husbands eyes too. This isn't just about you, it is about the two of you."

and this was the whole point of coming on this site to get ideas as to what is going on, I have come to the conclusion that he was never that interested from the very beginning, and we only married because I had become pregnant, then with 3 kids around he had the perfect excuse, and made it seem that he was being thoughtful and expecting me to be worn out with the kids, which was true to a certain extent, but there was nothing to have stopped him from speaking up and telling me was there? then add to that the pain part from me, plus a lot of other things in the end it just gave him the perfect excuse to move me into housekeeper mode and hes quite happy with that arrangement, hence the lack of talking to me about any of this or any effort into sorting it out, lets face it its me on here, not him, its me that bought the books and it was me that did the hospital/doctor appts not him at all


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think the general consensus here is:

1. Forget about your orgasm. It isn't going to happen and trying to make your husband responsible for that is unreasonable. 

2. You both need to forgive each other and try to fall in love again.

3. Find other ways besides intercourse for your husband to show tenderness and affection for you. 

4. Find other ways besides intercourse to please your husband.


Maybe if you fix your relationship the intercourse will come back (if you are sure you really want that) but drop it for now. Go on dates, be friends, talk, find mutual interests, hold hands, cuddle, 

share a bed together.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> I think the general consensus here is:
> 
> 1. Forget about your orgasm.*i have and did that a long time back* It isn't going to happen and trying to make your husband responsible for that is unreasonable.
> 
> ...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

In a perfect world it would be his job to figure out other ways to make you feel loved. 

But it seems that he is either not particularly bright or does not care or has given up. 

Since you are here and trying to create a better environment for yourself than it is going to be up to you to make it happen.

If he truly does not want to make the relationship better than there is nothing you can do. 

But then sex is not your problem -it is that there seems to be no more love between you two. And to begin with you two need to like being around each other.


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