# Emergency MC?



## sneakypeaky (Oct 20, 2014)

Need suggestions. What if a M couple is in need of emergency MC but their MC is not available for the times they have free? What would you do in that case?
Thanks


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Find another one?

Or tell us what is the emergency and we can advice you.

In general, no MC can solve your problems. They can only suggest/advice......the REAL work is done by YOU and YOUR WIFE.

What's the issue?


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## sneakypeaky (Oct 20, 2014)

DoF said:


> Find another one?
> 
> Or tell us what is the emergency and we can advice you.
> 
> ...


Thanks. The h said some really bad ugly things to his w. He would rather it be in the private board so it doesn't show up on the search engines. But what he said was really bad. He said it out of hurt but it does not justify what he said.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

What are you hoping to get out of an MC appointment? There are lots of things you can do while you wait for an appt, what does your wife want to happen after the hurtful thing was said?


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## sneakypeaky (Oct 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> What are you hoping to get out of an MC appointment? There are lots of things you can do while you wait for an appt, what does your wife want to happen after the hurtful thing was said?


She is not accepting my apology.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Most counselors need to get an understanding of a couples dynamic before working on "fixing" things, so the first session or two is overhead. Unless you can get in to the same office as your regular counselor, but with a different therapist. How long of a delay is it to see your regular person? How long has this issue been an issue?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

sneakypeaky said:


> She is not accepting my apology.


Well a MC can't force her to accept it either. Some people need more than just an "I'm sorry" or even just need to be mad for a bit before they are ready to accept it. It depends on what it is you said, I can only assume it was terrible. Some things can be said that are never gotten over completely.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Go post about 19 more times on different threads. Harmless, small replies would do and you can open a far more detailed thread in the private section.


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## sneakypeaky (Oct 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> Most counselors need to get an understanding of a couples dynamic before working on "fixing" things, so the first session or two is overhead. Unless you can get in to the same office as your regular counselor, but with a different therapist. How long of a delay is it to see your regular person? How long has this issue been an issue?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Our mc knows the details and dynamics. But it does not excuse the horrible thing I said. I can understand why my w is so hurt. But sometimes I wonder if she is acting a certain way so I lose it. I know that's a total cop out on my part. I have to accept responsibility. I have no one to blame but myself. I can't respond in an ugly way no matter what. We really should go see our mc. But it might be a few weeks before we can.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My point is that if you go to "emergency" counseling with someone new, it will take time for them to understand where both of you are coming from, and what the issues are in your relationship. So it may take as long as waiting for your current therapist. 

And yes, there's no excuse for lashing out like that. That's on you. Perhaps you can show your wife you're serious about making changes to yourself by scheduling some individual counseling in the meantime? Does this kind of thing happen often?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sneakypeaky (Oct 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> My point is that if you go to "emergency" counseling with someone new, it will take time for them to understand where both of you are coming from, and what the issues are in your relationship. So it may take as long as waiting for your current therapist.
> 
> And yes, there's no excuse for lashing out like that. That's on you. Perhaps you can show your wife you're serious about making changes to yourself by scheduling some individual counseling in the meantime? Does this kind of thing happen often?
> 
> ...


I am sorry to say I have a history of saying mean things. Not close together but enough. She does too. But she never remembers them. But that's still not an excuse for me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yet you keep offering her actions as an excuse for your own...

Take ownership of your issues. Schedule individual counseling while you wait for your marriage counselor. Do it for yourself. And perhaps she'll see you're serious about making a change in your behavior. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sneakypeaky (Oct 20, 2014)

My w is clearly still very angry at me. I don't blame her. She is giving me the silent treatment big time. 

How do I deal with this when I already tried to say I was sorry. Do I just give her all of the room she needs?

I can't make this mistake again.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Why do we apologise? 2 reasons:
1. To explain to the other that we understand we hurt them and own the bad behaviour
2. To demonstrate that it was not indicative of us,to ask forgiveness.

So you've said sorry, now demonstrate you're doing something to help it not happen again. 

If you have a quick temper, or say nasty things when you're angry get some individual counselling or join an anger management course. Take action to help it not happen again. Regardless of what your W may have done. You may even give her a great example of how to improve yourself.

And yes, give her a bit of space while you do that. Don't ignore, but don't grovel either.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You can't run to a MC every time you guys hit a snag in your relationship. You really DO have to curb your mouth. You started this crap, whatcha gonna do to fix it?

You have the majority of tools a counselor will give you. But if you don't actually USE them when you need to, it's a lost battle.


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## sneakypeaky (Oct 20, 2014)

After sincerely apologizing and saying how wrong I was, my w still says she needs time to forgive me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

sneakypeaky said:


> After sincerely apologizing and saying how wrong I was, my w still says she needs time to forgive me.


The fact that you just want to apologize and for her to get over it would tell me that you weren't sincere in the apology. It would mean to me that you were saying it so I'd get over it, not because you were truly sorry and willing to do the work to change the behaviour and prove to me it will stop. 

Make an action plan to show her you are serious. Because I have no idea what was said, I don't know what kind of things you would need but IC would be a good start, anger management if your outbursts are verbally abusive. What are you going to do the next time you are that angry? Go for a walk? Walk away to the next room to calm down? Come up with a plan to deal with it now so you can use it when you need it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Give her time and space that she needs.

Meanwhile FOCUS ON YOUR ACTIONS.

Apology means nothing, what you do from this point on is what matters.

DO NOT engage into things that might have lead to whatever happened....it can be environment etc....ANYTHING related to it.

That will show her with ACTION that you are on the right path.

Also, put yourself in HER shoes. How would you feel if she did what you did? How long would it take you? What would you expect out of her?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

sneakypeaky said:


> Thanks. The h said some really bad ugly things to his w. He would rather it be in the private board so it doesn't show up on the search engines. But what he said was really bad. He said it out of hurt but it does not justify what he said.


sneaky:

having looked at some of your initial threads and posts on TAM a picture is forming in my mind, despite you being vague on your exact situation. Let me just point out that a spouse can DO certain things that are very, very bad - to the extent that whatever the other spouse SAYS could not possibly be in proportion, could not possibly balance the scale in terms of hurt.
did she cheat on you??


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## sneakypeaky (Oct 20, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> sneaky:
> 
> having looked at some of your initial threads and posts on TAM a picture is forming in my mind, despite you being vague on your exact situation. Let me just point out that a spouse can DO certain things that are very, very bad - to the extent that whatever the other spouse SAYS could not possibly be in proportion, could not possibly balance the scale in terms of hurt.
> did she cheat on you??


To be honest, I kind of cheated... out of desperation, although that is NOT an excuse for my sin and wrong doing. I admitted it but did not get into detail. I did not have oral... or inter..... but I cheated. She did not want to hear details.

I found certain communications from her to her bss..... I doubt anything p went on. Only e. I threw it in her face after she went back to her same cold ways towards me by her lack of interest in sx. I was wrong... dead wrong.


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