# Women and jerks



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

I don' think women are supposed to be understood....but try this one:
A buddy of mine (45), has recently been trying to 're-kindle' an old relationship with a girl (33) he was with for 4 years ago (an intense 8-month relationship which they both never really got over).

Anyway, he's done quite well for himself: he's a joint-Director of a company, currently sorting his own soon-to-be-ex-gf situation out and this other woman has now been living for 2 years with what can be described as a 38-yr old 'loser' (huge personal debts, working but not really career-orientated, sponges off this woman, never helps around the house, always out drinking)

The woman in question, seems to be gravitating back toward my friend more and more in the last 6 months...mindful of them both sorting out their own tricky situations.

My friend hasn't been putting any pressure at all on this woman, but it's killing him that she seems to be trying to 'fix' her live-in boyfriend...regardless of the fact he really is one of those selfish guys who is a 'jerk'.

Anyway, it came to a head 2 weeks ago when she said to him she wanted him out of the house. It now appears he has called her bluff, and has been looking at places to move to. In addition he's been paying her money for the house, cooking meals, cleaning up etc and it now appears she has 'cooled' off considerably toward my buddy, who is utterly perplexed with this. Sure, she still talks to him/texts him..but all the previous complaining-about-loser-bf has stopped and she won;t talk about that situation anymore.

He was telling me, _"I don;t get it: everything she asked for I agreed to...each time she wanted to meet, I did...if she had any issues I'd help her with and talk to her about....now this jerk starts being the 'Good Guy' for a week and she doesn't seem too bothered about me now. WTF?"_

So, IMO, it's a classic case of 'the-BF-probably-still-gives-it-to-her-sexually-in-bed-but-everything-else-about-him-is-bad'...and she really is deluded and thinks she can 'fix' this guy, who she probably loves and might see 'a future' with.

My buddy, on the other hand, is a real catch: he's smart, funny, romantic, has his own house, brand new BMW...and here's the twist: back in he day he used to be a MAJOR PLAYER, 'used' to be as bad toward women but doesn;t like those games anymore and is tired of it, really loves this girl and was hoping for a future with her.

Thoughts, opinions, obvious solutions, etc?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My thoughts are she loves the current BF and doesn't love your buddy. It's really that simple. He dodged a bullet. The fact that she was even entertaining the idea while still in a relationship is pretty scary....but your buddy is culpable to so...whateves.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Both men and women are capable of poor judgment. You only have to look around and see really decent guys in relationships with jerks themselves.

Your friend needs to back off. His ex loves her BF, not him.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

sinnister said:


> My thoughts are she loves the current BF and doesn't love your buddy. It's really that simple. He dodged a bullet. The fact that she was even entertaining the idea while still in a relationship is pretty scary....but your buddy is culpable to so...whateves.





Cosmos said:


> Both men and women are capable of poor judgment. You only have to look around and see really decent guys in relationships with jerks themselves.
> 
> Your friend needs to back off. His ex loves her BF, not him.


Thanks guys. I kind of told him this also...they both rekindled earlier this year and expressed total dissatisfaction with their current partners.
I told my buddy...there's a reason for why this woman that _you _love is still with this guy, regardless of whether he's a jerk, azzhole or not.
Either she loves him and sucks up all the sh!t he gives her...and thinks if she tries hard enough she will change him, and/or he's a great fcuk and she has developed such a strong emotional bond with him as a result.

Either way, I told him: _"the nicer you are and agreeable with her you are....the less your chances are going to be....totally regardless of the fact that women say they want a nice guy to look after them, care for them and pay attentions to them.
This guy obviously isn't doing that....but he keeps her by other means.
What possibly could it be?"_ 


Women truly are strange - but we love 'em for it, huh?!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

davecarter said:


> Women truly are strange - but we love 'em for it, huh?!


I'd amend that to read "human nature is strange."


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

She doesn't want to talk about it anymore. So he needs to stop talking and start walking - as in, walking away. If he is as good of a catch as you say he is, and he has even a little self-respect, he should have no problem meeting plenty of women who are interested in him. As I get into my 40s and watch my single friends dating, it strikes me that anyone (of either gender) who is confident, responsible, pleasant, and presentable is in demand.

He needs to move on. If he pulls back, she may notice the gap and pull towards him. She may not. If it happens, he can evaluate whether she's paying lip service or taking concrete actions.

His goal should be that no matter what she does, he's not going to worry about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Convection said:


> She doesn't want to talk about it anymore. So he needs to stop talking and start walking - as in, walking away. If he is as good of a catch as you say he is, and he has even a little self-respect, he should have no problem meeting plenty of women who are interested in him. As I get into my 40s and watch my single friends dating, it strikes me that anyone (of either gender) who is confident, responsible, pleasant, and presentable is in demand.
> 
> He needs to move on. If he pulls back, she may notice the gap and pull towards him. She may not. If it happens, he can evaluate whether she's paying lip service or taking concrete actions.
> 
> ...


Exactly!
The strange thing is...Ive known him years....even back in the day he was successful with women almost on a HUGE level which I couldn't never understand, lol.
Nowadays, as well as being a Director, quite well-off, he's owns his own plane FFS...still got his looks, his charm....but I can only assume he's jaded by what goes on with men + women now, maybe age has 'softened' him?!

His next plan-of-action as he says, is to step-away, ignore her and drive her into her 'loser-BF's' arms....then she can see for herself what the score is and then make her own decision.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My theory is wounded people marry wounded people. The fact that you called the 8 month relationship "intense" tells me this girl has some drama issues. People with drama issues don't know what to do with a healthy partner. They find healthy partners 'boring'.

And yes she wants the other guy not your friend.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

He's Plan B, cut and dry. She wants the other dude. She is using your buddy like a poker chip, hedging her bet.

If he's cool with that, then there isnt much to be done.

I'm not interested in being with someone who settles for me because they cant keep or put up with the person they do truly want.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

When that chick who's been having the affair with a married man seems affronted by the injustice of her lover not actually leaving his awful wife for sweet little her, it's pathetic and makes everyone around doubt her emotional health.

It's not any better when it's a guy who's complaining about it. Just sayin'.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

Deejo said:


> He's Plan B, cut and dry. She wants the other dude. She is using your buddy like a poker chip, hedging her bet.


Hit the nail right on the head.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Deejo said:


> He's Plan B, cut and dry. She wants the other dude. She is using your buddy like a poker chip, hedging her bet.
> 
> If he's cool with that, then there isnt much to be done.
> 
> I'm not interested in being with someone who settles for me because they cant keep or put up with the person they do truly want.


Too true.
Does it make any difference that during this 8-month liaison, she lost a baby with this guy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Women and jerks*



davecarter said:


> Too true.
> Does it make any difference that during this 8-month liaison, she lost a baby with this guy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Possibly. May feel like she dodged a bullet. If she feels grief in losing the baby then potentially being with your friend will always be a reminder of that event.

Regardless, its clear as day that she just isnt that into him now. 

And he can only increase her disdain if he keeps trying.

Don't choose someone that doesn't choose you.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Losing a baby is always going to make a difference, but what the difference is depends on the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy.

Your mate is not going to tempt her away from the current BF until she is good and ready. And hanging around on the side-lines does not make him much of a catch.

I had a terrible alcoholic husband back in the day. I loved him to bits. In the end I knew I would have to leave him, and I did. A very sweet guy, who many would regard as a "catch" was hanging around waiting for me, supporting me and encouraging me to leave. So, eventually I left. I stuck around with the sweet guy for a couple of months, frankly because I felt obliged to him. It was never going to last. I don't imagine your friend would want to end up like sweet guy. His plan to distance himself is the right one. If she wants him, she will let him know. If not, he has probably had a lucky escape.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Possibly. May feel like she dodged a bullet. If she feels grief in losing the baby then potentially being with your friend will always be a reminder of that event.
> 
> Regardless, its clear as day that she just isn't that into him now.
> 
> ...


Again, agreed. For both of them, even though this relationship was back in 2008-09, no matter what possible outcome this might have or future, that is always going be 'there'.
Also, they've been meeting up to see each other since may this year....but strictly 'no sex' between them.
And to add further to your last line, my buddy isn't that deluded - he knows the score. He actually talks a lot of sense about relationships and attraction and he said to me not long ago:
_"You know, no matter what your background or your social standing or what you have...you, as a man, cannot choose.
It is always the woman who does the choosing"_.




ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Losing a baby is always going to make a difference, but what the difference is depends on the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy.
> Your mate is not going to tempt her away from the current BF until she is good and ready. And hanging around on the side-lines does not make him much of a catch.
> 
> I had a terrible alcoholic husband back in the day. I loved him to bits. In the end I knew I would have to leave him, and I did. A very sweet guy, who many would regard as a "catch" was hanging around waiting for me, supporting me and encouraging me to leave. So, eventually I left. I stuck around with the sweet guy for a couple of months, frankly because I felt obliged to him. It was never going to last. I don't imagine your friend would want to end up like sweet guy. His plan to distance himself is the right one. If she wants him, she will let him know. If not, he has probably had a lucky escape.


Crack on. Some good points....all too obvious except to those involved in such situations!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I've never understood why people go back to exes. IMO, exes are exes for a reason. If your friend's relationship with this woman was so great back in the day, why aren't they still together? He needs to look back and analyze why it didn't work out. Most likely, the same reasons it broke off the first time will show up if they get back together a second time. He needs to move forward.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> *I've never understood why people go back to exes. * IMO, exes are exes for a reason. If your friend's relationship with this woman was so great back in the day, why aren't they still together? He needs to look back and analyze why it didn't work out. Most likely, the same reasons it broke off the first time will show up if they get back together a second time. He needs to move forward.


I'm married to a girl I dated, we split up for 3 years, then started dating again.

Its a circumstances thing. We split up when she started back into school. As a single mother, working full time, and going to school full time, she didn't have time to be in a relationship. We stayed friendly and when the time was right began a new relationship.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

ScubaSteve61 said:


> I'm married to a girl I dated, we split up for 3 years, then started dating again.
> 
> Its a circumstances thing. We split up when she started back into school. As a single mother, working full time, and going to school full time, she didn't have time to be in a relationship. We stayed friendly and when the time was right began a new relationship.



I think people make time for the things they want. That includes relationships. You make it work.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I think people make time for the things they want. That includes relationships. You make it work.


We did.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

soccermom2three said:


> I've never understood why people go back to exes. IMO, exes are exes for a reason. If your friend's relationship with this woman was so great back in the day, why aren't they still together? He needs to look back and analyze why it didn't work out. Most likely, the same reasons it broke off the first time will show up if they get back together a second time. He needs to move forward.


Ex's are indeed ex's for a reason ... and sometimes the reason can also be why people keep going back.

Everybody loves a little crazy-making now and again.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> I've never understood why people go back to exes. IMO, exes are exes for a reason. If your friend's relationship with this woman was so great back in the day, why aren't they still together? He needs to look back and analyze why it didn't work out. Most likely, the same reasons it broke off the first time will show up if they get back together a second time. He needs to move forward.


:iagree: Unless things just fizzled out due to circumstances...

IMO, it's rather like giving an old coat to Oxfam then going back and re-purchasing it.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

davecarter said:


> I don' think women are supposed to be understood....but try this one:
> A buddy of mine (45), has recently been trying to 're-kindle' an old relationship with a girl (33) he was with for 4 years ago (an intense 8-month relationship which they both never really got over).
> 
> Anyway, he's done quite well for himself: he's a joint-Director of a company, currently sorting his own soon-to-be-ex-gf situation out and this other woman has now been living for 2 years with what can be described as a 38-yr old 'loser' (huge personal debts, working but not really career-orientated, sponges off this woman, never helps around the house, always out drinking)
> ...


It seems that maybe the woman has friendzoned your buddy. Half of the qualities you listed are material and a major red flag "a former player." Their age gap is quite a huge one too, 12 years is a lot imho. He might be better of seeking a woman from his own age generation (40+).


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

davecarter, your buddy needs to dump this woman and let her deal with her choices of falling for the jerks.

He can then move on to better women, hopefully, and she will be stuck in cant-keep-a-good-man land.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

davecarter said:


> And to add further to your last line, my buddy isn't that deluded - he knows the score. He actually talks a lot of sense about relationships and attraction and he said to me not long ago:
> _"You know, no matter what your background or your social standing or what you have...you, as a man, cannot choose.
> It is always the woman who does the choosing"_.


If that's his words of wisdom, I can only suggest that he needs to pull his head out of his a$$ and open his eyes. There's a whole lot more going on than hotsy game players that make a sport out of yanking men's chains.

Then again, I take that back. Clearly that's the preferred type, and it's probably best that such people keep each other amused and out of everyone else's hair.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

davecarter said:


> Thoughts, opinions, obvious solutions, etc?


My thought is your friend shouldn't get back together with her while she is still dealing with the Loser. He should set a boundary and stick to it.

"I really want to be with you but not while you are still carrying on with this other guy."


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> My thought is your friend shouldn't get back together with her while she is still dealing with the Loser. He should set a boundary and stick to it.


That boundary should be, "here is the line where the front door shuts....don't ever cross this boundary again"


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Funny, I knew a guy who was besotted with a woman who was about 10yrs younger than himself, he trailed her around they had a bit of a fling it fizzled out and oh boy he pined for her, pined like a puppy, I hooked him up with a girl from my town who was, shal we say loose with her morals, she was all over him all night and nothing he just pined for the girl he wanted but didn't want him, yeah she wanted him around, he had a car, had money, was kind and considerate, but she didn't want that in her bed mate, she wanted a tattooed ex-con with a drink and drugs problem. nice hey, Mr. Nice guy, canned for dodgey ex-con. :scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

*Update:* (_but I doubt anyone's really bothered, lo_l):
Only posting this because I haven't seen my friend for a few months, the first thing I ask him: _"How are things between you and X_ (the woman in question)

He tells me, post Christmas they started to see each other / contact each other in an emotional-status only (i.e. no sex), and she kicked out her 3-year live-in-loser-jerk-bf 3 weeks ago.

Here's a kicker: during this time, not only did she discover her loser/sponger/jerk/bully boyfriend was cheating on her with another woman, but he's also been f*cking one of his best-friends' wives!

So, naturally, it's a deal-breaker, right? An 'SO' acting like an 'OM' is the best way I can put it.

FF to last Friday night and she texts my friend saying her ex came to pick yup all his stuff and he's moved out...but now she's feeling emotional and sad about it. 
Naturally, my friend is livid. A text-war starts between both of them and she ends it with:
_"I'm going on vacation with my cousin until Saturday, I'll call you when I get back"_
In the last 24 hrs, he sees she has been logging on to WhatsApp...numerous times.
Unfortunately, she only ever uses WhatsApp to text my friend...he hasn't received any texts since yesterday morning.

Naturally, he assumes what you might have all already guessed....

How can I put it to him....clear as day....crystal clear what he needs to do here?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Point and laugh uncontrollably.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

davecarter said:


> My buddy, on the other hand, is a real catch: he's smart, funny, romantic, has his own house, brand new BMW...and here's the twist: back in he day he used to be a MAJOR PLAYER, 'used' to be as bad toward women but doesn;t like those games anymore and is tired of it, really loves this girl and was hoping for a future with her.
> Thoughts, opinions, obvious solutions, etc?


 He has all the above but what he doesn't have is common sense. If he's smart he'll look in another direction because I always believed that there's a reason why people stop being in a relationship and even if they reconnect a few years down the line, the faults they had that ended it are still there, and sooner or later will rear it's ugly head again then there back to square one . By then, he married her and she's driving the new "Beemer", owns half the house and assets and he gets the shiv.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If I read this right....all this time the friend was having these issues with this woman (he is the OM at this point), he was also still tangled up with his "SOON-to-be-ex-gf"....so not available anyway. They were both cheating on their SO's. Emotionally anyway. 

Way too much high school crap for grown ups.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Dave, you don't say what your friend looks like. With a 12 year difference and she's the younger, sometimes women at that age still value looks. 

Does the useless boyfriend have a tighter body?

If you friend doesn't hurry up and straightenup, I'll be in that chorus laughing at men who think their birthright is to chase after younger women. Well, I guess it is. Whether the older man actually achieves what he wants is not, as we know, guaranteed.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Point and laugh uncontrollably.


Indeed. 

The question wondered why women always choose jerks, but maybe it should've been why men choose narcissistic drama queens.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

If she were anymore blatant about it she woul hand him a T-shirt when she got back with the slogan "Congratulations, you've entered the friend zone".

Seriously, she's not interested an he needs to drop her like a brick, go dark, complete 180 an see where it goes, seems like he's a snubby .38 cal, suitable for back up if needs be.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

There's normally co-dynamic angles when smart people stay in stupid relationships. Sometimes they're trying to fix them but usually they're just addicted to the drama. This girl just gained emotional control and now feels like her current guy is going to change to keep her. Well that will be rare indeed.

At the same time, let's not forget that your friend is the OM in this story. It's not like she's a single girl he's going after. If he gets her then he will probably be sorry for it later when he's the one she says crap about to someone else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

davecarter said:


> He tells me, post Christmas they started to see each other / contact each other in an emotional-status only (i.e. no sex), and she kicked out her 3-year live-in-loser-jerk-bf 3 weeks ago.
> 
> FF to last Friday night and she texts my friend saying her ex came to pick yup all his stuff and he's moved out...but now she's feeling emotional and sad about it.
> Naturally, my friend is livid. A text-war starts between both of them and she ends it with:
> ...


You seem really invested in your friend's relationship...

Your friend is going to do whatever he wants. It's clear he has an emotional attachment to her. So you can tell him anything you want but until he actually wants to do something (or not do something), it won't really matter. 

So she got upset and got triggered with her ex of a few years came to get his stuff? That isn't out of the norm - to feel triggered when seeing someone you spent many years with and maybe even feeling sad about it. He is her most recent break up, right? 

Your friend is obviously in love with her. Maybe their timing is off. Were they ever officially back together? You said they dated for 8 months but that was four years ago, right?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

intheory said:


> Your friend is involved with a woman who *already has a boyfriend*.


Actually, they broke up last year.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

intheory said:


> And, do you guys _really_ think that women do all the choosing? I'm just going to assume that was meant as a joke. Unless, of course by "women", you really mean the top 10% of very physically attractive, usually younger women. I agree with you. They can pick and choose.


Even those 10% don't do all the choosing. Just ask Jennifer Aniston.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Your friend is going to do whatever he wants. It's clear he has an emotional attachment to her. So you can tell him anything you want but until he actually wants to do something (or not do something), it won't really matter.


:iagree:

People have no intentions of following relationship advice if it goes against what their heart wants. Its just one of those frustrating things about friendships. We've all seen our friends date and marry the wrong person, and most of us at one time or another have gone against our friend's relationship advice only to realize later on that they were right.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> :iagree:
> 
> People have no intentions of following relationship advice if it goes against what their heart wants. Its just one of those frustrating things about friendships. We've all seen our friends date and marry the wrong person, and most of us at one time or another have gone against our friend's relationship advice only to realize later on that they were right.



Let's be careful with the above wisdom. There are some "friends" who make it their business to help the relationship to fail as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

davecarter said:


> *Update:*
> 
> He tells me, post Christmas they started to see each other / contact each other in an emotional-status only (i.e. no sex), and *she kicked out her 3-year live-in-loser-jerk-bf * 3 weeks ago.


Either way it seems OP's friend did not have a problem with dating her while she was with someone else, even if they only recently split (cause that is what he has been doing. He has been pursuing her this entire time). His choice, his life.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Dave, you don't say what your friend looks like. With a 12 year difference and she's the younger, sometimes women at that age still value looks.
> 
> Does the useless boyfriend have a tighter body?
> 
> If you friend doesn't hurry up and straightenup, I'll be in that chorus laughing at men who think their birthright is to chase after younger women. Well, I guess it is. Whether the older man actually achieves what he wants is not, as we know, guaranteed.


Friend: 5'10", average build, kind of getting a bit more 'emotional' as he gets older.
Useless boyfriend: 6'2", works-out, shaved head, football player (soccer, that is)

My friend just can't understand why this woman he's so into, still is kind-of-emotionally-attached to 'Useless' now she's discovered he's sleeping with one of his own friend's wives and treats her like dirt, always at bars, etc, etc

Good last paragraph - agree 100%
Yeah, Im starting to point and laugh (but not uncontrollably yet)


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You seem really invested in your friend's relationship...
> 
> Your friend is going to do whatever he wants. It's clear he has an emotional attachment to her. So you can tell him anything you want but until he actually wants to do something (or not do something), it won't really matter.
> 
> ...


Correct, on all counts.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

intheory said:


> ========================================
> Anyway, he's done quite well for himself: he's a joint-Director of a company, currently sorting his own soon-to-be-ex-gf situation out and *this other woman has now been living for 2 years with what can be described as a 38-yr old 'loser' *(huge personal debts, working but not really career-orientated, sponges off this woman, never helps around the house, always out drinking)
> 
> My friend hasn't been putting any pressure at all on this woman, *but it's killing him that she seems to be trying to 'fix' her live-in boyfriend...*regardless of the fact he really is one of those selfish guys who is a 'jerk'.
> ...


Yes.
Sorry, this situation is rather complciated!

Woman and Jerk were living together from 2010 up until 3 weeks ago.

My friend wants to now start 'seeing' Woman officially but she still has these 'emotional ties' to Jerk.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well apparently she doesn't think he's such a jerk if she dated him and keeps having feelings for him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

davecarter said:


> My friend wants to now start 'seeing' Woman officially but she still has these 'emotional ties' to Jerk.


Your friend is not very smart.
However, it's his life and if he wants to keep pining over someone who is still into her ex, that is his choice.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

davecarter said:


> Yes.
> Sorry, this situation is rather complciated!
> 
> Woman and Jerk were living together from 2010 up until 3 weeks ago.
> ...


Does your friend get off on the thought that he is "stealing " her from another man?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

davecarter said:


> Yes.
> Sorry, this situation is rather complciated!
> 
> Woman and Jerk were living together from 2010 up until 3 weeks ago.
> ...


She dated and lived with this "jerk" for 3 years, and then found out he was cheating on her with two other women. I imagine she's going crazy with emotion right now - cheating is cheating, whether in a 3 year marriage or 3 year live-in relationship and is very, very hard to overcome.

She may know her ex is bad news, but that doesn't instantly negate how she felt about him. In fact, it makes her feel humiliated, like a fool, for falling for him. It makes her more wary of other guys and relationships. It makes her distrust herself. Plus, she's feeling like sh*t almost all day, every day, and will for a long time. She's probably still not even past the "complete loss of appetite" and "insomnia" stages. 3 weeks is NOTHING in terms of trying to overcome infidelity.

Maybe your friend is unfamiliar with infidelity, but if he's expecting her to just dust herself off and dive into a relationship with him without dealing with the betrayal, he's going to be disappointed. If he expects her to be emotionally healthy and whole enough to go into a new relationship after being cheated on, he needs to spend some time read Coping with Infidelity on TAM. Some people need _years_ to get over cheating, and that's even when they dump their cheater.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Have him read MMSLP and enjoy his life


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

norajane said:


> She dated and lived with this "jerk" for 3 years, and then found out he was cheating on her with two other women. I imagine she's going crazy with emotion right now - cheating is cheating, whether in a 3 year marriage or 3 year live-in relationship and is very, very hard to overcome.
> 
> She may know her ex is bad news, but that doesn't instantly negate how she felt about him. In fact, it makes her feel humiliated, like a fool, for falling for him. It makes her more wary of other guys and relationships. It makes her distrust herself. Plus, she's feeling like sh*t almost all day, every day, and will for a long time. She's probably still not even past the "complete loss of appetite" and "insomnia" stages. 3 weeks is NOTHING in terms of trying to overcome infidelity.
> 
> Maybe your friend is unfamiliar with infidelity, but if he's expecting her to just dust herself off and dive into a relationship with him without dealing with the betrayal, he's going to be disappointed. If he expects her to be emotionally healthy and whole enough to go into a new relationship after being cheated on, he needs to spend some time read Coping with Infidelity on TAM. Some people need _years_ to get over cheating, and that's even when they dump their cheater.


The quickest thing she can do to get over it and put it behind her is to not talk to the guy and get a new boyfriend who deserves someone like her and if she wants to be intimate, be intimate. You move on as fast as possible. Talking to someone about it helps too, I mean a professional.

But most of us men, notice that our feelings for the old goes away and we can look forward when we get with the new and consumate it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

treyvion said:


> The quickest thing she can do to get over it and put it behind her is to not talk to the guy and get a new boyfriend


Eh. After being cheated on, the last thing a lot of people want to do is jump into another relationship. But I do agree she should stop talking to him if she wants to move on. But she has to want to.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

davecarter said:


> I don' think women are supposed to be understood....but try this one:
> A buddy of mine (45), has recently been trying to 're-kindle' an old relationship with a girl (33) he was with for 4 years ago (an intense 8-month relationship which they both never really got over).
> 
> Anyway, he's done quite well for himself: he's a joint-Director of a company, currently sorting his own soon-to-be-ex-gf situation out and this other woman has now been living for 2 years with what can be described as a 38-yr old 'loser' (huge personal debts, working but not really career-orientated, sponges off this woman, never helps around the house, always out drinking)
> ...


Haven't read other replies yet. 

The obvious: She likes guys that are jerks. Your friend is not. That means she doesn't get to feel like she's "so powerful that SHE is the sole reason he sometimes acts nice."

If your friend is smart, he'll RUNNNNNNN!!!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

treyvion said:


> The quickest thing she can do to get over it and put it behind her is to not talk to the guy and get a new boyfriend who deserves someone like her and if she wants to be intimate, be intimate. You move on as fast as possible. Talking to someone about it helps too, I mean a professional.
> 
> *But most of us men, notice that our feelings for the old goes away and we can look forward when we get with the new and consumate it*.


I don't think so. It seems to me that a lot of men hold on to their ex's and bring them into their next relationship under the guise of being "just friends."


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Listen to norajane and Jellybeans,
this girl needs get past the crap she's in now on her own. If she jumps from Jerk to savior without a pause then you're getting a lot of baggage. 

I hope you know she has to save herself. You can't save her and thinking you can would be a trap.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I don't think so. It seems to me that a lot of men hold on to their ex's and bring them into their next relationship under the guise of being "just friends."


:iagree:
All of us bring baggage into relationships. We're hyper-sensitive to things that remind us of an ex. I was head over heels for my wife quick but still wait seven years before proposing. All due to baggage from a prior failed marriage.


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

.

Those Women who are into the bad-boy, jerk thing are best left alone to their own doom.

They either end up victims of violence or just old and bitter...

... there is no "saving" them, don't even try. Frankly, they're not worth any effort. 

Let's face it, we guys like bad girls, they're exciting --- but, we don't usually fall in love with them. If a guy does, he usually learns pretty quick and then moves on.

Your friend needs to just forget about her and move on. She's headed for a trainwreck life and there is no helping her. Her stupidity will just poison his life. 
If he tries to be her knight in shining armor, she''l just hate him for it. He's up against stupidity on an epic level. She deserves no respect or effort. 

Just think of women who are addicted to bad-boys as having an incurable STD, staying away from them is the only thing you can do. 

.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think when a woman prefers "jerks" you have to ask yourself a couple of questions:

1) Are these guys really jerks or are you just resentful that she likes them?

2) If they really are jerks, why would you want a woman who prefers jerks? How great can she really be?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I think when a woman prefers "jerks" you have to ask yourself a couple of questions:
> 
> 1) Are these guys really jerks or are you just resentful that she likes them?
> 
> 2) If they really are jerks, why would you want a woman who prefers jerks? How great can she really be?


I've said this above. The answers and more are between the covers of that book. MMSLP. 

Very simple explanation and great advice if you want to be the better man they can be attracted to.


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