# I just hate the hurt :mad:



## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

I just hate the hurt after all those times had past 2 & half years being separated he still can hurt me....I just wish i could take away those thoughts in my mind like i would get rid of any rubbish in my house...(sigh). I just really want to carry on with life with my precious kid but unfortunately,i still have to deal with him now and again.
I hate it when im hurting because of him its just a slap in my face that i still have feelings for him and hope for whats left of it.
Knowing how he moved on so well as if like we never loved at all.(sigh)


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Hopefully in time that hurt will fade more and more. Are you dating anyone new?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry, maybe this will help you. You allow him to continue to hurt you. Stop allowing it, you need to separate emotionally. You are the so much more, why pay attention to him? Why put value in the words or actions of someone who as deliberately hurt you? Why not put the value on who you are and how much you love your child and yourself?


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

indiecat said:


> Hopefully in time that hurt will fade more and more. Are you dating anyone new?


Nope...i think ive lost my faith on finding a good man(maybe becoz im still hurt and havent move on totally)and ive develop fear that a relationship will end already before even it started.(madness)but,in overall im just doing fine...i dont know if i ever will in the future(god knows) :scratchhead:


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

mablenc said:


> I'm sorry, maybe this will help you. You allow him to continue to hurt you. Stop allowing it, you need to separate emotionally. You are the so much more, why pay attention to him? Why put value in the words or actions of someone who as deliberately hurt you? Why not put the value on who you are and how much you love your child and yourself?


I know....that's the thing i hate knowing that im still hurting.
Knowing i been doing great without him but as soon as he shows up or i see him it just felt like the break up just happen yesterday....


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> Nope...i think ive lost my faith on finding a good man(maybe becoz im still hurt and havent move on totally)and ive develop fear that a relationship will end already before even it started.(madness)but,in overall im just doing fine...i dont know if i ever will in the future(god knows) :scratchhead:


There are some good men out there, they're just hard to find.

You'll get there in time.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> I know....that's the thing i hate knowing that im still hurting.
> Knowing i been doing great without him but as soon as he shows up or i see him it just felt like the break up just happen yesterday....


Maybe do the 180? Even though he is out to the main picture. Work on yourself, your focus will be on you and I believe you can get pass this.


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> There are some good men out there, they're just hard to find.
> 
> You'll get there in time.


Exactly "hard to find"


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> Exactly "hard to find"


I speak for all my fellow perfect men when I say we are a rare breed .

Good women are just as hard to find. We're all here because we'd thought we'd found one, guess it's time to keep looking!


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> I speak for all my fellow perfect men when I say we are a rare breed .
> 
> Good women are just as hard to find. We're all here because we'd thought we'd found one, guess it's time to keep looking!


Good men and women are boring (as far as i know) but they are the responsible one.
That is why lot of good men/women get dumped most of the times.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> Good men and women are boring (as far as i know) but they are the responsible one.
> That is why lot of good men/women get dumped most of the times.


Yup. I'm still a good man, and I'm still responsible, but I'm not a "Nice Guy" in the sense that I don't seek approval of people, I don't need to go against my instincts, or my own opinions to please others to gain validation.

Throughout my separation, I have come up with a kind of "code" to live my life by. The top of the list is:

Be authentic.

That means me, being myself, no changing to suit others, if people don't like me for who I am, then well, I have some pretty choice phrases for them .


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> Yup. I'm still a good man, and I'm still responsible, but I'm not a "Nice Guy" in the sense that I don't seek approval of people, I don't need to go against my instincts, or my own opinions to please others to gain validation.
> 
> Throughout my separation, I have come up with a kind of "code" to live my life by. The top of the list is:
> 
> ...



I think that is the most challenging so far for me, to not give a hoot to anyone...sometimes it is easy to say but in reality you have to go out and deal with different people with their different moods.
Having a thick skin is a gift lol.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> I think that is the most challenging so far for me, to not give a hoot to anyone...sometimes it is easy to say but in reality you have to go out and deal with different people with their different moods.
> Having a thick skin is a gift lol.



Actually, it is not so much a thick skin, as it is - when you know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that you are doing right by _you_
and _your_ code then the opinions of others cease to matter. If they don't like you and what you do, something is wrong with them - not you.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> I think that is the most challenging so far for me, to not give a hoot to anyone...sometimes it is easy to say but in reality you have to go out and deal with different people with their different moods.
> Having a thick skin is a gift lol.


I agree with HB, I'm far from thick skinned. It's not so much "not giving a hoot" as it is looking out for yourself.

When all you have is yourself, you have to put yourself first.

And, I'm starting to think you even have to put yourself first in a relationship, or at least on an equal level as your spouse. In my marriage I put my wife on a pedestal, I put her happiness above my own. The result was I became a "Nice Guy" and I became miserable. 

Set yourself some values to live by, and adhere to them at all times, life becomes easier, everything becomes more manageable.


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

*Re: I just hate the hurt*



Honorbound said:


> Actually, it is not so much a thick skin, as it is - when you know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that you are doing right by _you_
> and _your_ code then the opinions of others cease to matter. If they don't like you and what you do, something is wrong with them - not you.




Going through divorce/separation is so painful in a sense that people who knows you both (family,friends,neighbors and relatives) the look in their face and you just can't avoid it.
The questions that they want to ask but dare not.....and for us who felt so hurt and not wanting the relationship end its torture but for the other half who seems to be fine and just gone on with life so well is just a dagger in the heart.

But i guess,once you get pass all of it and realize that aint end of the world just because they left.
You get to appreciate what you been through coz it really makes you stronger and actually it did do more good than bad(base on my own experience).


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> I agree with HB, I'm far from thick skinned. It's not so much "not giving a hoot" as it is looking out for yourself.
> 
> When all you have is yourself, you have to put yourself first.
> 
> ...


For us type the good guys(boring but responsible one)it is our nature that we care to much that is why we got so hurt with our relationship ended. 
And you cant just get rid of it easily i guess, after going through a painful experience we kinda learn to put precautions but as for me i am still a caring person but at the same time i have learned to look after myself and also ive leraned to give love to myself as much as i could give it to the others. 
I actually gained more wisdom from the painful experience of mine.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> For us type the good guys(boring but responsible one)it is our nature that we care to much that is why we got so hurt with our relationship ended.
> And you cant just get rid of it easily i guess, after going through a painful experience we kinda learn to put precautions but as for me i am still a caring person but at the same time i have learned to look after myself and also ive leraned to give love to myself as much as i could give it to the others.
> I actually gained more wisdom from the painful experience of mine.


You can be responsible without being boring. I'm responsible, but I'm far from boring! I did care an awful lot about my STBXW, and our marriage/relationship. But I wouldn't change that. I'd rather take all of the hurt and know that I cared for her as I should have as a husband, than not care and feel like I never truly loved her.

Focus on continuing to learn to love yourself, and I'm pleased you've gained some wisdom. I know I certainly have.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

*Re: I just hate the hurt*



Separated79 said:


> Going through divorce/separation is so painful in a sense that people who knows you both (family,friends,neighbors and relatives) the look in their face and you just can't avoid it.
> The questions that they want to ask but dare not.....and for us who felt so hurt and not wanting the relationship end its torture but for the other half who seems to be find and just gone on with life so well is just a dagger in the heart.
> 
> But i guess,once you get pass all of it and realize that aint end of the world just because they left.
> You get to appreciate what you been through coz it really makes you stronger and actually it did do more good than bad(base on my own experience).


What I have done since my wife announced she wanted a divorce (ILYBINILWY) is basically just stand up to everyone. I told my parents, who now cannot stand her (they are concerned about me and their grandkids), that even though it is her decision, I take full responsibility for my part of the failures in the marriage. 

How I did this was by SELF IMPROVEMENT and self awareness. I see what happened now, see how I lost 'myself'. 

Think about the things you love when you were younger, first met, and how over time they fell out of your life. Get them back and let those things give you the same joy they once did, and then when they do realize that you would have never gotten them back had you not gone through the divorce.


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> What I have done since my wife announced she wanted a divorce (ILYBINILWY) is basically just stand up to everyone. I told my parents, who now cannot stand her (they are concerned about me and their grandkids), that even though it is her decision, I take full responsibility for my part of the failures in the marriage.
> 
> How I did this was by SELF IMPROVEMENT and self awareness. I see what happened now, see how I lost 'myself'.
> 
> Think about the things you love when you were younger, first met, and how over time they fell out of your life. Get them back and let those things give you the same joy they once did, and then when they do realize that you would have never gotten them back had you not gone through the divorce.


It's a mystery to me that the people who just wanted to have a long and lasting relationship whom are honest ,loyal,faithful and will do anything in the world to love and share lifetime with the person who "promise" to be there through thick and thin.
I have cling in to that promises(empty)that hard and ive set my mind that it is what it is and maybe that is the reason it is taking time to let go.
I have carried on with my life with my son,did everything,solve everything ,and even exceeded and ive successfully did pass everything from the time he left,(he just left and left everything to me how to figure it out)not having a single clue on how but just manage to deal with all of it (with gods help).
He left me with a void feeling that i just couldnt figure what it is about while he just getting on everything fine.
I thought about thinking how was everything before he happened,but right now all i can think how can good things just turn nasty after certain times and time helps you to forget somehow but while you haven't over it totally the pain remain the same.
(Just venting it out). I have done everything self help book,working out,no contact,being civil,got a job,went on travel etc etc....i thought sometimes ive move on but im wrong everytime i feel hurt seeing him happy and just acting it was the best thing he did (leave)(sigh)it cuts so deep. 
I try my hardest not to show him only after hes gone(after bringin our son back)i get so down and i hate it.
I hate the hurt coz i shouldnt be hurting anymore. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I'm sorry Seperated79... This too shall pass.

Promise.


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Honorbound said:


> I'm sorry Seperated79... This too shall pass.
> 
> Promise.


I Believe so......Thanks Honorbound


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> I Believe so......Thanks Honorbound


It always passes, just give it time and focus on yourself. Have fun, keep busy, hit the gym or go for a run.

Don't sit and dwell on it all, get out there and have the time of your life .


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

How are you doing S79?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

S79.......does or did your X ever have any pets?

reason behind me asking


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> How are you doing S79?


Hey....thanks for asking im doing just fine  how about you? Hows your heart btw?


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> S79.......does or did your X ever have any pets?
> 
> reason behind me asking


Nope we don't have any :scratchhead: why you ask?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> Hey....thanks for asking im doing just fine  how about you? Hows your heart btw?


Good to hear, just thought I'd check in .

My heart?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I would go out on a limb and say, he would be

treating his pets better than he is you

people get away with what we allow

a morally strong person would not put their spouse

through he!! and back

a weak, uncertain person who knows they have issues

berate and mistreat others to give a false sense of

supremacy and control. saying goodbye is not saying

nevermore but you must look out for you.

focus on your hobbies, kids, family....

in other words, have him wonder why you appear to be over him


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> Good to hear, just thought I'd check in .
> 
> My heart?


Thanks for checking on me lol  

Yes your heart....hows your heart ....


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> I would go out on a limb and say, he would be
> 
> treating his pets better than he is you
> 
> ...



If i have to make a selfish choice id love not to hear anything from him...
Im sure ill be fine but sadly,i had too deal with him now and again cause my son needs him.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

As I have posted many times, I will always love my X

but it is who she "was"

nothing wrong with that, as long as you can

distinguish the past from the present and future

your son will need him as he gets older

be the mature one, let him be juvenile

as he grows up, your son will realize

what the truths are and what was made up for

the betterment of the selfish one

my X and I never had children (thank you God!)

but my 2nd love and her little brother were

caught in the middle, with their parents

it was sad, very sad


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> As I have posted many times, I will always love my X
> 
> but it is who she "was"
> 
> ...


I guess what hurts is when we keep on remembering the person we married before....the good sweet memories and the thought "what could have been" and "WHAT IF" the resistance to change and the denial , the fear of being alone and being unloved.

The hardest thing in life is doing what is right.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

you just described the two mistakes I made in relationships

with my 1st and 2nd love, "what if it is better 2nd time around"

complete BS.......I could have easily fell into it with 3rd love, my X

you are human, we all digress back to times of comfort

but were you really comfy or "walking on eggshells?"


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> you just described the two mistakes I made in relationships
> 
> with my 1st and 2nd love, "what if it is better 2nd time around"
> 
> ...


Well...maybe you werent really looking for the one but merely guessing?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

my 1st love was 1988-91, 2nd 1991-96

I was born in '72

my X and I met in '97....made it to late '12

only married once


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> Thanks for checking on me lol
> 
> Yes your heart....hows your heart ....


No problem 

My heart is fine, it's a normal healthy heart. Mending from being recently broken and doing well 

How's your heart?


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> my 1st love was 1988-91, 2nd 1991-96
> 
> I was born in '72
> 
> ...


How long have you been single since the split?Are you dating?


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> No problem
> 
> My heart is fine, it's a normal healthy heart. Mending from being recently broken and doing well
> 
> How's your heart?


LOL ....my heart has become stronger than ever....you know that it is the biggest muscular tissue in our body, so they say when muscles are stretch it will grow more stronger.
No wonder no matter how many times we get hurt or broken we just cant give up on LOVE lol.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> LOL ....my heart has become stronger than ever....you know that it is the biggest muscular tissue in our body, so they say when muscles are stretch it will grow more stronger.
> No wonder no matter how many times we get hurt or broken we just cant give up on LOVE lol.


So you've gained strength from all of this  That's good!

Muscles expand when they expand and contract under tension... and there was a lot of tension in my marriage  haha.

Love is a drug, humans become addicted to it, they crave it. It's the most difficult thing I've ever given up in my life, and I've given up a lot.


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> So you've gained strength from all of this  That's good!
> 
> Muscles expand when they expand and contract under tension... and there was a lot of tension in my marriage  haha.
> 
> Love is a drug, humans become addicted to it, they crave it. It's the most difficult thing I've ever given up in my life, and I've given up a lot.


I guess LOVE is why were Living for


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> I guess LOVE is why were Living for


Haha, I think the meaning of life is a question that is a little beyond my expertise.

I don't think it's love though .


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> Haha, I think the meaning of life is a question that is a little beyond my expertise.
> 
> I don't think it's love though .


Is it just about SURVIVAL INSTINCT ?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Separated79 said:


> How long have you been single since the split?Are you dating?


Our DDay was Nov '12, filed last day of Nov

60 day wait, final 2/1 this year.

I started dating in January,

the day I realized I wanted no part of a R,

Funny though, the day we filed, she insisted 

she buy me lunch

and said, "We will make it through this. We always have."

:wtf:

but as my grandma said, "Everything comes out in the wash."


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> Is it just about SURVIVAL INSTINCT ?


I'm not convinced there is any meaning at all .

I think society and the media have brainwashed us all to pursue love and not stop until we get it, but do we really need it? I don't need it to be happy.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Actually, you do. you have to love yourself to be happy.

So...Nyuh.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Honorbound said:


> Actually, you do. you have to love yourself to be happy.
> 
> So...Nyuh.




Ok, external love is not a requirement of happiness


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> I'm not convinced there is any meaning at all .
> 
> I think society and the media have brainwashed us all to pursue love and not stop until we get it, but do we really need it? I don't need it to be happy.


There's a lot of kind of LOVE....It's up to you which one you think you can live for the rest of your life.


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> Our DDay was Nov '12, filed last day of Nov
> 
> 60 day wait, final 2/1 this year.
> 
> ...


Ive only been married once still married but separated never dated since the split, tried online dating (but im not the type of person who needs uses another person to be over with the other one lol) don't want a rebound wanna be over him in my own way at the moment while im still not emotionally over ( i guess thats just me,everybody is different and have ways to cope with break ups and tough times in life)i want totally over him before i move on to somebody) right now, im just carrying on with my life taking one day at time just believing that life is full of changes and surprises and the only person responsible for your happiness is you.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Separated79 said:


> There's a lot of kind of LOVE....It's up to you which one you think you can live for the rest of your life.


True. My immediate goal is to learn to love myself. After that happens, who knows!


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