# Planning on leaving my wife after 42+ years



## Bigsky6550 (Mar 29, 2015)

I have been married to the same woman for 42+ years and I have decided I've had enough. There is no intimacy but for in the last month 1 time. That time as with other times we had any intimacy she was unresponsive and I was doing nothing for her though I tried to satisfy her. It is nothing more than relieving myself which is very unsatisfying. She tells me she can't do this or she can't do that and I say no, it's not that you can't honey, it's because you won't. My wife was raped by her brother when she was growing up and her father may have had his way with her as well and perhaps others. Both of us have been through years of counseling together as well as individually and there is no change whatsoever. I have bought numerous marriage improvement books for us to read but she has no desire to read them alone or with me. I have no motivation to even try anymore, I am criticized for not doing this or doing that, she won't accept my reasoning or that sex is a gift of God for us to enjoy. There is no affection between us. Her sister lives with us and she is wheelchair bound and had only one leg. My SIL is my wife's twin and they get along just fine and i feel like the odd man out. I'm tired of it. I checked out a Christian based Intimacy Therapy site and purchased a male and female sexual intimacy screenings which we filled out and we are awaiting their assessment. However I have serious doubts as to its ability to change what has been the norm for so many years. We met and it was never about love, it was more about getting married because we were lonely and didn't think anyone else wanted us basically. There have been numerous times when I thought to leave and didn't primarily because of materialistic tendencies. I'm through with that. I am planning on leaving her towards the end of June and moving to be near our son and daughter and our grandchildren. I have a pension and social security but I will have to settle for perhaps half that to live on. So, I am looking for a divorce lawyer.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bigsky6550 said:


> I have been married to the same woman for 42+ years and I have decided I've had enough. There is no intimacy but for in the last month 1 time. That time as with other times we had any intimacy she was unresponsive and I was doing nothing for her though I tried to satisfy her. It is nothing more than relieving myself which is very unsatisfying. She tells me she can't do this or she can't do that and I say no, it's not that you can't honey, it's because you won't. My wife was raped by her brother when she was growing up and her father may have had his way with her as well and perhaps others. Both of us have been through years of counseling together as well as individually and there is no change whatsoever. I have bought numerous marriage improvement books for us to read but she has no desire to read them alone or with me. I have no motivation to even try anymore, *I am criticized for not doing this or doing that, she won't accept my reasoning* or that sex is a gift of God for us to enjoy. There is no affection between us. Her sister lives with us and she is wheelchair bound and had only one leg. My SIL is my wife's twin and they get along just fine and i feel like the odd man out. I'm tired of it. I checked out a Christian based Intimacy Therapy site and purchased a male and female sexual intimacy screenings which we filled out and we are awaiting their assessment. However I have serious doubts as to its ability to change what has been the norm for so many years. We met and it was never about love, it was more about getting married because we were lonely and didn't think anyone else wanted us basically. There have been numerous times when I thought to leave and didn't primarily because of materialistic tendencies. I'm through with that. I am planning on leaving her towards the end of June and moving to be near our son and daughter and our grandchildren. I have a pension and social security but I will have to settle for perhaps half that to live on. So, I am looking for a divorce lawyer.


So what are you criticized for not doing? What are you criticized for doing? What is your "reasoning" you're talking about? 

What do you think her reaction would be to a divorce?


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## lofellve (Mar 27, 2015)

Oh my god you are describing the situation I'll be facing in another 22 years if I don't get help. Two questions;
1. Is lack of sex from her still going to bug me when I'm 60? 
2. Did she ever come to grips with the sexual assault after all possible therapy or do you think it was non-recoverable.

My advice to you is to put faith and sincere commitment from both of you into the results and recommendations of the intimacy screenings. That sounds reasonable.


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## Bigsky6550 (Mar 29, 2015)

One of the things I am criticized for is not being kind enough to her. I do as many things for her as I can and it's as if I can ever be good enough or do well enough to earn her appreciation. She says she loves me though not lately, but it's never backed up with any affection and I need that for motivation. I guess I am so filled with resentment towards her that it's pointless to continue in this relationship. I don't want to work at it any more as she has not made efforts to get treatment for her past abuse. I'm tired of it. Either that or I don't take her to the movies or how come sh eddies;t have friends while I have friends galore. I've encouraged her to make friends and she has made progress. I wanted deep passionate French kissing but she likes dry kisses. Sorry I can't turn off the juices. Then wipes her mouth after a little moisture gets on her face. Just not worth it anymore. I would like to have sex 3 times a week but because she had one of those vaginal meshes put in and now intercourse is painful and she gets no pleasure it's pointless to even try to have sex. Once a month is not enough to keep me going. I have to turn to alternate methods to have some pleasure. She is entered into a lawsuit regarding the vaginal mesh but nothing has come of it. There is no passion, no hugging, no affection. Like I stated earlier I have no desire for her anymore because it's always a let down. I have to beg for her to touch me and then I hear I be right back as she goes into the study to either read her books which she constantly reads or plays on the computer. I'm starving for intimacy and no matter what I do it leads nowhere.


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## Bigsky6550 (Mar 29, 2015)

Regarding her response to a divorce I don't know but I am planning on starting a new bank account so I can retain at least half of my pension/social security entitlement. I know I am going to have to help out but since she makes more money than I do I hope I don't have to pay her anything apart from half of my entitlements until such a time as we become more financially sound.


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## Bigsky6550 (Mar 29, 2015)

She hasn't ever really addressed the issue of her rape or abuse in a concrete way. She might have touched on it but never pursued healing from it and it seems apparent to me she is happy to live like this. As far as the intimacy screenings go - I'm not holding my breath. Not after this much time. I requested the therapist to go ahead and offer us their assessment of our situation. We spent nearly 3500.00 to attend a Gary Smalley Marriage Institute Intensive to no avail as they didn't address the issues we are faced with with intimacy. Like I said basically it's too little too late. My plan is to leave her and I am making a list of items to take with me and moving on with my life without her. She has her sister who I feel I am second fiddle to. I didn't want her here but I agreed to let her come of my wife's sake and it is very difficult being here and having got put myself last. I feel as my wife's husband I should have priority over her twin but that is not the case so since they get along so well I feel like I'm in the way of their relationship so I'll just remove myself from it totally and move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that she earns more than you. Is she still working?

Does she have a retirement where she works?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She has no idea this coming?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

See a divorce lawyer. At your age, you should be planning for a golden retirement and peace in your household. In your case, you have a handicapped sister-in-law who is living with you and you are the odd man out. You didn't want your sister-in-law in your household but your wife did. Your wife considers her sister more important than you.

I am a private person. I don't want anyone living with me, except for my husband. You are living in a house, but not your home. I suggest you move on and find an environment that you can thrive, not survive.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How sad for your wife that she's denied herself the joys of being close to her husband. I feel for you, there are no good answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

When ever I log on this site, I'm comforted with so many men who wants intimacy from their wife and not only that but they are able to express verbally this need. I like that very much since my husband seems to lack the ability to express himself verbally at least to me. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time getting a positive response from herbut I commend you for finding your strength to take care of your needs without guilt.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

After investing 42 years, I'd be inclined to stay and try to make the best of it. If you've stayed with her over four decades, she must have something going on that you like. At some point, probably within the next 10-15 years, sex isn't likely to be a serious issue. Even if you found another woman, she might be just as disinterested in sex tomorrow and she could bring you far worse drama. At least you know you can live with the one you have.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is precisely where we're headed after 25 years of marriage. The last couple of years have been spent anticipating the time when I can finally leave the marriage and find someone who will treat me right. I never thought it all would come to this but I feel there was nothing I could have done about it. When you are married to a refuser it's bound to end bad.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> This is precisely where we're headed after 25 years of marriage. The last couple of years have been spent anticipating the time when I can finally leave the marriage and find someone who will treat me right. I never thought it all would come to this but I feel there was nothing I could have done about it. When you are married to a refuser it's bound to end bad.


There is no guarantee that the second marriage will be any better as people keep making the same mistakes and setting themselves up to fail. Second marriages have a 70% chance of failure.
If you haven't been open about sex in the first marriage it is unlikely you will be open about it in the second one. The reality is a lot of our problems, we foist on the OP but we have to change ourselves first and then see what happens. I am only beginning to realize that!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

aine said:


> There is no guarantee that the second marriage will be any better as people keep making the same mistakes and setting themselves up to fail. Second marriages have a 70% chance of failure.
> If you haven't been open about sex in the first marriage it is unlikely you will be open about it in the second one. The reality is a lot of our problems, we foist on the OP but we have to change ourselves first and then see what happens. I am only beginning to realize that!


Sometimes, though I think those statistics are not properly compiled and analyzed. Often though I think people hop into subsequent marriages without having taken a look at their own part in things.....ie my ex was a you know what and I deserve better. Well maybe you do but you contributed, so if you don't take a look in the mirror you'll likely repeat mistakes.

Husband and I are both on our second marriages and we've been together almost 10 years and are very happy. My first marriage was happy for about a year, so in that sense no matter what happens this one has already been more successful.

Take a good hard look in the mirror and not only do not repeat your mistakes but make a better choice. Preferably based on something besides how young and hot she is, or how much money he has.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you can hold your head high, go to her and tell her that you will be divorcing her. Tell her it will probably be this summer that you will be moving out. Let her then make a decision - fix her problems or live alone. She will probably choose to live alone. But you will be able to leave with your integrity.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

Good for you !!! So glad you have chosen to live your life honestly !!! I am so tried of hearing people criticize their spouse or their life ((me included)) and then not do anything about it!

I know many men who just don't like living w their wives from long term marriages and wives w their hubby!!! But what happens, some get old, unhappy and stuck !!! 

I have a neighbor about 57 yrs old who walks by my house often. The other day she came by skipping almost w a smile on her face. I ask her, "Why so happy today?" she say, "Do you know what it is like to feel loved again? I just got remarried!!! I am soo happy!!" 

As we continued to talked and share her excitement she added, "I look at all these middle age couples, you can tell the ones who no longer love each other, all I know is I'm going into my old age loving again and hopefully not ever get again where x and I were, but if we do, we will be dead by then .... but I am happy again!!" "Oh PS ...sex is wonderful, dont let a soft penis fool you there is soooooo much you can do...!" and she skipped right off with a huge smile on her face! 

She was so positive... She's no beauty queen, just a regular lady with grown children, went thur a D bc her marriage wasnt working for 20 odd years while the children where growing. 

Also op I'm a twin... you will always be the odd man out... always...even when twins arent speaking w each each other, and you defend your wife against the other twin...you will still always be the odd man out... just goes with the territory ... ((sorry)) 

~sammy


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