# can't get him to understand



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am giving giant facepalms to my my dearest husband last night and this morning, not sure what y'all know about my story I know some of you have read it, well long story short for this post, both unfaithful around same time. Both have acknowledged problems in marriage. 

Well last night we were speaking of the full transparency. I now have access to his phone and fb, very begrudgingly so. He is not understanding the trust thing. His take, you either trust someone or you don't, and he doesn't want to be with someone he doesn't trust. You shouldn't have to check up on them. I handled it great, didn't raise my voice or get upset at all. I said back to him, well, I think after what we both did, trust was lost, I said it took me a little bit to build it back up, and I was to a point where I did trust you again until the either night. You shattered that trust that I built up for you. 

I asked about his lack of showing remorse, and asked him if he felt he was justified in this latest ea I caught him in, he answered yes, kinda. For this reason, even though I think it's effed up. This last year or two I have been going through this major funk, wasn't really myself at all, anyways....Started with this q and a site I came across, I knew the stuff that I would say on there, he could check as he was a member of this site too. I guess some of the things on there I said bothered him. He says that it isn't appropriate for a married person to say those things. Ok for example, gay guy posting some supposed modeling pics (nothing nude) I simply said you've got pretty eyes, you're a fox. 

I guess my take at the time was if it is in full view of the spouse, it's not wrong, unless you are hiding something, which I wasn't. His reasoning for justifying the new affair is this, doesn't matter if it's type or text, public or private, it's about whether it's appropriate or not. I personally think there is a difference there, but that's no excuse for doing something that was hurtful to him, even though at the time I didn't realize i was. While I may have crossed a boundary for him, (which is something I didn't necessarily mean to do, mine was out in public, in full view), it's still no excuse to go looking outside the marriage yet again. 

Back to the trust thing, I wrote down all of my access info for computer and sites that I am on, yet again, he said I don't want to look at your stuff, I have no urge to, but go ahead and check my phone and fb all you want, then back to his stance on the trust thing. He actually said to me, all this mumbo jumbo I am picking up on websites is bull. Trust should be given, if trust is broken then it's done. He's coming across as that he still trusts me. I can't get him to understand that sometimes trust has to be rebuilt/earned. 

Is he still speaking in kind of a fog/not thinking straight standpoint? I have been checking his phone, he's been leaving it out in plain site. I want to trust, I so do...I just wish I could get him to understand my point of view. I went as so far to ask him if he's purposely looking for a way out, he said no. Man and all I wanted to do was go to bed and cuddle with my husband, my night sure didn't end the way I wanted it to. 

We also had a discussion about emails, how in my inbox there's stuff from match.com, and said something about me joining these sites. I promise you now, I have never never ever went NEAR those sites. I can't get him to understand that your email address gets distributed, and you really dont get control over who gets it. I pulled my email up last night, I was like, ok look, got one from verizon, I have no verizon phone, Lending Tree, I have never been there, facebook singles, never been there. For gods sake I have gotten junk emails from places selling windows, carpet, etc. I have never gone to these types of sites. He says he doesn't get weird stuff in his box, well I am more active on the web than him..God help me what do I do lol.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Just friendly advice... I know responses are very important 

You might get more responses if you puncuate the story into paragraphs... It's very hard to read.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

LOL, I guess I had never thought of that. It was early and wasn't really very awake. Is that better XD


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

paramore said:


> LOL, I guess I had never thought of that. It was early and wasn't really very awake.


not a problem, you can back and edit in paragraphs when time permits


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

My H is the same way with the trust issue. He's so confident in me that he wouldn't dare look at my stuff. But he's broken my trust, yet it's offensive for me to want to see what he's doing. So confusing. Stop hiding stuff! He also believes that since things are so bad and trust is broken, it will never be the same. Wah wah wah. Why don't they get that things will never change if you keep doing it all the same?!


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Trust always has to be earned (except when you are a baby) and broken trust doubley so. Our ego sets that up for us so we learn to recognise possible painful situations so we (hopefully) don't keep making the same mistakes.

When you do something and it hurts someone you love, it's the intent behind the action that matters (not so much the actual deed itself). 

For instance in your case....when you commented on the photos of the gay guy, you were just making a comment, it wasn't your intention to hurt your husbands feelings. Simply because you didn't know that it would. So things like that are unfortunate but forgiveable. 

If you were to do it again once you knew how he felt about it, then he would have cause to be upset with you because your intent then would be to do what you wanted to do regardless of his feelings. So yeah....he doesn't have a case for starting an EA because of it - not in my world anyway. Don't allow him to use your innocent (out in the open) comments on some random person's photos as a way of making you feel bad.

It's impossible to get someone to understand your point of view if they don't want to (leading a horse to water and all that). It obviously suits him to not try and understand where you are coming from. 

One more thing.....good for you for staying calm and not raising your voice while speaking with your hubby! I read in another post you wrote on here that you have difficult with anger....you've done really, really well in a difficult situation. Be proud of yourself!:smthumbup:


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I just am having a hard time dealing being thrown back like 3 months of emotional progress, i am at the same state I was back in November. It really really sucks I have to work through all of this again lol.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just a quick question for you paramore. Wanna make sure I am on the right page here. So if your H was online telling women they were smoking hot, you wouldn't care as long as he didn't take any measures to hide it?? (purely trying to understand here, no sarcasm intended)


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

this is a great counterpoint Dawn, I didnt think of it like that, I guess that goes back to our lack of communication issues, he should have told me. I am unfortunately very friendly, and am an natural flirt. He isn't that way, I understand what you are saying. I honestly don't think before any of this happened, that it would bother me, that's just how I was, but after all of this crap went down, it's really really been an eye opener.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Granted, I haven't had time to go back to catch up on any older posts you have, but have you guys done counceling or anything? Can you catch me up with what is going on? Here's what I think I know:

A. Both had some sort of affair at same time frame?
B. He recently had an EA? ( Is this the only, or a second time?)
C. Not coming to agreement about trust building
D. Not telling you what he feels is inappropriate?
E. Not asking you what YOU feel is inappropriate?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

unfortunately.....

your story reads as one of the more tragic ones here at TAM.

On the one hand, you 2 should have one of the best chances
for reconciliation, as u both messed up equally (relatively).
i.e., both should be sorry, no?

On another hand, it seems u dont have the usual leverage
(debatible) most other LS's have when trying to shore up
yer relationship.

The only thing i can see/think is, that u at least shouldnt
be feeling more holy/better than him, and thus not feel 
twice wronged as many a LS here at TAM laments over.
Really....u shouldnt.

Tragic......is all i can say........both yer hearts will be
revealed (if not already) soon; Tho' his sounds/seems
opportunistic/manipulative by what u write presently.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

thank you, I dont feel better than him by any means, I was under the impression he came home because he wanted to work on things, I found out he came home because of missing me and the kids, and getting our financial issues in order in case it didn't work out. I expressed that at this point we should remain faithful to each other emotionally/physically until we decide what direction we are taking. I did say that to his face before I found out the new EA. I am taking the steps I need to take. Thank you cb. It really is tragic, because he is a wonderful man underneath all of this, and I am realizing what an amazing woman I am.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I don't feel superior overall, I made it clear after it was all said and done, that until we figure out our life together, we need to remain physically/emotionally faithful. After all is said and done, I figured emotionally for both of us we needed that. It is tragic, and I cannot believe I let it get to this point, and we are in this situation, I am ashamed of myself that as a wife I allowed it to escalate to this point. Thank you so much cb.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

dawn when I get the chance I will try to give you my story.


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