# Emotional Affair: In Love or Not?



## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hi Guys,

I can't find a search function on this forum, otherwise I would try to find the most relevant one but here goes.

I'm married and I had somewhat of an emotional affair (just flirting really, no hook up) and I can't figure out if I love this woman or not. 

Any advice to reconcile if my feelings are real. I won't go into too much detail yet until anyone can help.

Thanks,


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Have you spent any time with this person?


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

What does it matter?

You're married. That means this girl is off limits. 

You thought you loved you wife once--at least enough to get married. Your focus should be on fixing your marriage.

Quit trying to rationalize an affair by saying "it's love."


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

I work with her day in day out. I know it's such a cliche.

I am working on fixing my marriage but my thoughts are consumed by another woman.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I think you have to look at the situation from a logical point of view. Even if you really like or love this person, how will it play out in real life?

If you have kids and divorce your wife, you're looking at child support and possibly alimony, as well as seeing your kids every other weekend or so. The above will take out a good portion of your paycheck. 

If she herself is married and has kids, forget about it because it won't ever work. If she's single with no kids, it's possibile it could work if you're willing to deal with the consequences of breaking up your own marriage.

If you are married but have no kids, the decision becomes easier. A divorce could be simple without child support. You still might have to pay alimony, or maybe not. 

It's my opinion that if you think you love your EA, and she loves you, and you think you can have a relationship with her while at the same time you're miserable with your wife and you have no kids, I don't see the problem with divorcing and giving your EA a try.


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

I appreciate the advice Adex.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

OHMSS79 said:


> Hi Guys,
> 
> I can't find a search function on this forum, otherwise I would try to find the most relevant one but here goes.
> 
> ...


Only you can decide if your feelings are real love or not. Every situation and relationship is different.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Anatomy of an Affair - The Chemistry of Love - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates


Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You're married - the relationship SEEMS appealing because its forbidden. In the cold harsh light of reality it will not likely be so appealing. 

Why not put the same effort in to your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Adex, why do you say if she's married and has kids it could never work? They could both divorce at some point..


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Adex, why do you say if she's married and has kids it could never work? They could both divorce at some point..


Well yes, but it would be too complicated. So she divorces and he divorces. Both ex spouses hate the other persons, and might try to sabotage their relationships, especially if they knew each other somehow. Both ex spouses will ALWAYS be in their lives due to the kids.

That's not to mention both could possibly have lower paychecks due to child support or alimony. I don't think that's wise for the OP just because he thinks he might be "in love."

I believe if you're going to divorce for another woman, she has to be single with no kids and have good qualities, etc. and willing to have a long term relationship with you. It's twisted though because a woman like that probably wouldn't go for a married man with kids. I'm younger though so my view would probably change if I was 50 as opposed to 30.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry, not going to help you justify cheating on your wife.

Fact:the only right thing to do is end the EA cold and dedicate yourself to your wife.

Anything less is a dishonorable trashy path,


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

OHMSS79 said:


> I work with her day in day out...


...where you're both at your best, on your best behavior, dealing with only a very limited part of life. It's very much like having a crush on a classmate. You _think_ you love a very selective view of this person.

When you see your wife, you see her at her best AND her worst. You know her history, you have good AND bad memories with her. It's like comparing apples and oranges.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'd also suggest reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It gives a very good background on emotional affairs and opposite sex 'friendships'.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> Adex, why do you say if she's married and has kids it could never work? They could both divorce at some point..


Divorce seems to be an easy way out in... USA? 

Love is a verb. Infatuation and lust are just feelings. Feelings come and go.
love is a verb. The feelings you desire will often come after you work for it. The in love feeling is usually there in early relationships --long enough to keep two human being to procreate and care for the child. After that you have to work for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Sorry, not going to help you justify cheating on your wife.
> 
> Fact:the only right thing to do is end the EA cold and dedicate yourself to your wife.
> 
> Anything less is a dishonorable trashy path,


There is the path of putting the relationship with the other person on hold. If you really don't want to be with the wife anymore, go through the process of divorce and then start up a real relationship with the other person. Atleast that way the relationship wouldn't be started from an affair stand point and have a better chance.
But again, that is only if you were to really want out of the current marriage. Just think through the entire thing. Don't make rash decisions.


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## gardengirl (Apr 18, 2013)

the grass is always greener when its in the other cows mouth, isnt it? is this girl flirting with you, giving you attention? no self respecting woman is going to do that with a marrried male coworker. Heck, no one should do that with a co worker. think about looking for another job in this economy. how sexy is your dream girl now?


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

gardengirl said:


> the grass is always greener when its in the other cows mouth, isnt it? is this girl flirting with you, giving you attention? no self respecting woman is going to do that with a marrried male coworker. Heck, no one should do that with a co worker. think about looking for another job in this economy. how sexy is your dream girl now?


Thank you gardengirl,

These comments have been helpful.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I used to work in an office that was mostly female - and they were all "huggers". Made me very uncomfortable for a while. Just as I was getting used to the hugging one of them (slim, blonde, 15 - 20 years younger than me, very attractive) started hanging on for what I thought was a little too long. Then she started flirting. Little things at first (you smell good this morning, love that shirt on you). Then it was invitations to go to lunch together (she would always say that a couple of other people were coming with, but most of the time it ended up only me and her).

When a co-worker asked if something was going on between the two of us I was shocked at first, but then looking back, I would have thought the same thing were it another couple. 

Work place affairs never end well. Especially if one or both are married.

Look. You see the OW at her best. Dressed to attract, friendly, flirty, complimenting you, telling you things you want to hear - you see her looking her best and on her best behavior. You see her trying to please you. 

Is this love? NOOOOOOO! It is your ego getting stroked. It is you basking in the attention. But do you love her? No you don't.

Back off and deal with your marriage. Quit complicating things by bringing other people into the equation. If you are having problems with your marriage, work on it, fix it, or file for divorce.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ahhhh...the good ol' workplace love affair.

The great old Land of Unicorns & Rainbows.

The place where you fight on a daily basis against the "man" trying to hold you down.

No one farts or picks their nose. There are no children...no bills. Nothing except the two of you standing back to back, swords drawn and fighting off the dread dragon.




cough, cough

'Scuse me.

Grow up, man. You're married. You claim you're trying to work on your marriage, then try to work on your marriage and quit this highschool sh-t.

or

Leave your wife and try to slay dragons with your work wife. Reality will hit you soon enough.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

OHMSS79 said:


> Thank you gardengirl,
> 
> These comments have been helpful.


Helpful how? What will you do with the insight you've been given?

It's very easy for someone new to appear perfect and wonderful because they don't have to wash your dirty laundry, see you in the morning with bad breath and messy hair. 

Marriage isn't always easy but that's what you need to work on and fix before even thinking about trying on a new relationship.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

OHMSS79, I'd like to commend you on being one of the few that came to this forum for a reality check BEFORE you did something really stupid.

Granted, I understand the draw of the "other woman" is quite strong, and you still might do something really stupid, but you are still to be commended for coming here first.

P.S. If you follow through with it, please be sure to send your wife here AFTER. We'll have some really good advice for her, too . . .


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## greeneyedlily (Nov 10, 2012)

I don't think you came here for condemnation, but advice. So thanks for sharing and being brave, it takes courage. I also don't think you planned this to happen. Accidentally in love, is all I can think-- funny how that hits you right between the eyes. How long have you had this OW in your world? I guess one of the things is looking more critically at your marriage, what is missing? Are you to blame for that or not, sometimes you are not to blame for that! It takes two to make this work. I believe there are times, when you realize you married the wrong person, maybe because you meet someone and actually start to see that there are some major things missing in your life. I think it is possible to love someone even if you are not living day in and day out with them, if you see them in entirety, good and bad moods, and don't wear rose colored glasses around them. That is hard to do if you are not living with them for sure. Maybe just think about whether you need a break from your spouse, time away in your own space, to sort things out, and not pursue anyone- just primarily work on yourself, and I think clear thoughts will start to come out of this. I always say if you realize at some point, you wake up thinking about someone everyday, and fall asleep thinking about them---not in the sexual way but thinking about their happiness-- that might be meaningful. You have history with your wife, how about this other person, do you have history with them? Also, is there abusiveness in your marriage- just because you might be male does not mean you might not be experiencing battering emotional or otherwise. That changes a lot in my mind, because truly that is never ok in a marriage, and should be addressed. Marital partners should bring out the best in each other, always, mutual respect, and mutual goals. Work on yourself first, read the books. It can't hurt. Hang in there!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OHMSS79 said:


> Hi Guys,
> 
> I can't find a search function on this forum, otherwise I would try to find the most relevant one but here goes.
> 
> ...


You should also ask yourself how accurate you are in storing information.

for example, after some discussion with my fiance, I learned that for the same b-day, my fiance remembered that his EA "took him out to dinner and gave him a b-day card." He had absolutely no memory of what I did for his b-day. And the truth of his b-day celebration with his EA was that he had a multi day convo with her through FB, in which he asked her for when she was free; he upgraded the choice of restuarants and then agreed to book the reservations. Since I told him that I was aware of that FB chat, he told me that even though she never mentioned his b-day in that chat, she did end up offering to pay for the dinner and giving him a b-day card (which he later admitted was untrue.) (I have seen no indication anywhere as to who might have paid for that outing with her, since he refuses to use the word "date" regarding her.

So now I ask the question, do you believe that you remember everything correctly. If your b-day is important to you, for example, are you sure of what your wife has done for you? You are not for example, upgrading little things from this co-worker like every mention that she makes on your FB wall including on your b-day; every time she verbally says "happy b-day"; If you two meet for lunch and especially if you pay for the lunch, that somehow, that's better than anything that your wife can do for you.......

Are you annoyed, possibly, that your wife does not make as much as you do so that everything in the household can be split 50/50 while you are only too happy to pay for the outing with your co-worker / EA.....especially so, because you and she don't go out alone that often anyway.......

I'm just saying, stop and think about how you view your situations between these two women -- that is your wife who, presumably is faithful to you and your co-worker....who is most likely still enjoying dating around......

If you value scarcity over loyalty, then there is certainly a problem here.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

OHMSS79 said:


> Thank you gardengirl,
> 
> These comments have been helpful.


Here's a comment that may be even more helpful

Take your eyes out of this thread and spend an hour or two looking at the Coping with Infidelity Forum. Just two clicks away. 

If you want to find out exactly what kind of reception you're in for when you've done the deed just have a look now. Now if that does not stop you then you are therefore planning to go ahead and destroy about 25 lives - your wifes' your kids your own family, your wifes in laws and repeat that for the other married person 

Still want to do it??! Your answer to that will tell us everything we need to know about you


..........Get a fking grip man


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

Chap, having been the person on the receiving end of the supposed EA, let me give you my 2c. 

Man the F**K up and respect your wife enough to first end the marriage before you go screwing around. If its really that bad with you wife, surely its not a problem to end it? 

The reality is that it ISN'T that bad with your wife; the other woman probably has nothing to lose and you and your wife have a lot to lose.

Any affair has devastating and wide spread consequences. I'm living those now and its not cool. Marriage isnt all "cakes and rainbow" every day.....its hard work.

An apt line from the movie "Just Married" ....Ashton Kutcher's characters old man says to him, "some days I loved your mother, some days we had to work at it"

Think about it buddy and best of luck.


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

So I've been more honest about my feelings for the OW to my wife and we're at a cross roads. I love my wife more than this high school BS but have i caused too much damage?

I can't continue to make her life a misery, I've blown chances but looked for a new job and tried to cut off contact.

I'm at a loss. We had a great day yesterday but horrific days too.

Any advice appreciated...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Start 'dating' your wife. Treat her the way you did when you were trying to win her. Spend time really talking and LISTENING. Send flowers. Do little things that show you do love her and want to be with her. Treat her like your girlfriend - send her sexy love notes via text during the day. Touch her affectionately around the house. SEDUCE her. 

Be open and transparent, give her access to your world in it's entirety. Try reading the 5 Love Languages together, see if that gives you ideas about what love means to each of you. 

We don't build a relationship overnight, you can't fix it overnight either. It's unlikely that it's dead but it may be in critical condition. Give it your best shot.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

*Re: Re: Emotional Affair: In Love or Not?*



OHMSS79 said:


> ...but have i caused too much damage?


Probably not, but unless you really put the rubber to the road and focus on the marriage, you will. Get this OW out of the picture and rediscover your wife...you might be surprised how great she is.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Read these books. See if you can see yourself and your marriage described in them. You will find them of help.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, s

Get them today. This is not going away on it's own.


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

Been a while,

things have been bad and then good and then very bad.

I have had anger issues, made worse by drinking. I find the love when the **** hits the fan but lose it when things simmer down. I don't get it. 

How much weight do you put on the sub-conscious or is it bull****?

Are people just not meant to be married and I've been kidding myself?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

What have you BOTH been doing to work on the marriage?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Question is...did you tell your wife everything? I mean, you still work with your dragon slaying partner.

How ya think that makes your wife feel?


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

OHMSS79 said:


> Hi Guys,
> 
> I can't find a search function on this forum, otherwise I would try to find the most relevant one but here goes.
> 
> ...


Hi there let me tell you being on ther bad end of many ea,s with a poor excuse fora husband. Just leave your wife you have no respect for her at all. If you are looking elsewhere then leave her alone and let her find someone who deserves better than the likes of you. I have a husband like you and he is the ulktimate ass. So take some advice and man up to your wife and tell her. She doesn't need scum like u in her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

running away from commitment is a lazy and coward move. It is not your wife or other women, it is you, yourself, that you have issue with. 


Marry any person, the problem will be back again until you solve it.

That attractive woman is still a woman,and
Every woman has issues and problems in them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

stop drinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Apparently you have no serious interest in fixing this. Good luck!


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Question is...did you tell your wife everything? I mean, you still work with your dragon slaying partner.
> 
> How ya think that makes your wife feel?


I put my notice in at work, am seeing a therapist and doctor. I would say I'm making steps. 

It continues to be a nightmare though.


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> running away from commitment is a lazy and coward move. It is not your wife or other women, it is you, yourself, that you have issue with.
> 
> 
> Marry any person, the problem will be back again until you solve it.
> ...


I agree.


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> stop drinking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Done that too.


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## OHMSS79 (Apr 17, 2013)

greeneyedlily said:


> I don't think you came here for condemnation, but advice. So thanks for sharing and being brave, it takes courage. I also don't think you planned this to happen. Accidentally in love, is all I can think-- funny how that hits you right between the eyes. How long have you had this OW in your world? I guess one of the things is looking more critically at your marriage, what is missing? Are you to blame for that or not, sometimes you are not to blame for that! It takes two to make this work. I believe there are times, when you realize you married the wrong person, maybe because you meet someone and actually start to see that there are some major things missing in your life. I think it is possible to love someone even if you are not living day in and day out with them, if you see them in entirety, good and bad moods, and don't wear rose colored glasses around them. That is hard to do if you are not living with them for sure. Maybe just think about whether you need a break from your spouse, time away in your own space, to sort things out, and not pursue anyone- just primarily work on yourself, and I think clear thoughts will start to come out of this. I always say if you realize at some point, you wake up thinking about someone everyday, and fall asleep thinking about them---not in the sexual way but thinking about their happiness-- that might be meaningful. You have history with your wife, how about this other person, do you have history with them? Also, is there abusiveness in your marriage- just because you might be male does not mean you might not be experiencing battering emotional or otherwise. That changes a lot in my mind, because truly that is never ok in a marriage, and should be addressed. Marital partners should bring out the best in each other, always, mutual respect, and mutual goals. Work on yourself first, read the books. It can't hurt. Hang in there!


Thanks, this is really good advice.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It seems to me that you're not willing to really answer questions to help those of us who were prepared to help. 

Cherry picking doesn't face a problem head on to fix it but justifies your actions. 

I wish your wife the best of luck - she has NO idea why you're disconnecting from the marriage right now.


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