# Intimacy



## BrokenInNC (Jun 19, 2018)

I never in my life thought I would be in this position. When my husband and I first feel in love 31/2 years ago it was magic! He was so attentive and couldn't keep his hands off of me! But then life changed. We moved not once but three times in the last three years and fight a lot about everything it seems. What was once to free and easy is now strained and it makes me sad. We stopped having sex as frequently just months after we got married three years ago. He blamed it on the move and stress but something else happened too. He stopped kissing me intimately. I tried everything, thinking it was an oral hygiene thing or something but no he just won't kiss me like that anymore. He gives me quick peeks, not even long lingering kisses, not even while we make love. If I reach out to hold him he gives me a quick hug but right away begins patting my arm in rapid succession saying 'ok dear" and it if obvious he doesn't want my arms around him. It got so bad that I finally got him to agree to 'date" nights so I would stop being rejected every night, because every night I asked and every night he turned away. That worked for a while, at least we were having sex, but it stopped working too. He wont even be honest about it. He will let me think we are going to make love only to procrastinate, saying he wants to watch t.v., have a drink and relax, etc only to turn me down. Half of the time he doesn't even make up an excuse anymore he just says no. if I reach for him he pulls away. He says it isn't me but it is hard to feel attractive when your man won't even kiss you without being asked and then only quickly and without any real feeling behind them. Last week, on our night, I tried unsuccessfully to initiate sex three times, the third time I slid into his lap but he didn't hold me or kiss me, he stood up and dropped me on the floor! there I lay in nothing but a robe, my body exposed, and he just stepped over me! I was mortified! the next day I told him I felt he treated me horribly and he should apologize , I told him I was a good woman, I love him and don't deserve to be treated that way. He apologized but nothing has changed


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

How old are you guys, any kids, any previous marriages?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Any medical issues or medications - in particular anti-depressants? Any new external stresses, children, job issues etc?

Lots of possibilities, but I'd look for external causes first because those are the easiest to address.


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## BrokenInNC (Jun 19, 2018)

We are both in our fifties and this is a second marriage for both of us. My children are grown and live out of state, rarely see them. He has no children. We have discussed this ad nauseum but no resolution. the problem is he thinks this is normal and there is no problem. I disagree. I think any time one partner makes another feel unloved or unwanted it is a problem.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

How long did the two of you date before you married? It looks like the timing would indicate that it was 6 months or less. Why did you marry so quickly? Was that his idea or yours? Do you know why his first marriage ended?

Honestly, it sounds like you married someone you didn't know well enough. It's pretty easy to keep up a facade for a few months while dating. But over time, most people gradually relax into being themselves again. And it sounds like your husband's true self is emotionally disconnected, physically un-affectionate, and sexually withholding. He either has physical or emotional problems, or he doesn't like sex, doesn't like women, or just doesn't like you. In any case, it doesn't sound like that's what you thought you'd be getting when you agreed to marry him. Nor does it appear that he's willing to work with you on changing whatever is causing the dysfunctional marriage you currently have. If you don't have children together, cut your losses and file for divorce.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

BrokenInNC said:


> We are both in our fifties and this is a second marriage for both of us. My children are grown and live out of state, rarely see them. He has no children. We have discussed this ad nauseum but no resolution. the problem is he thinks this is normal and there is no problem. I disagree. I think any time one partner makes another feel unloved or unwanted it is a problem.


Intimacy is a funny thing. For some people, it's the most important thing in the world by a far margin. For others, it's so far down the list it might as well not exist. 

My suggestion is for both of you to read the other threads in "Sex in Marriage" and see if you can trade partners with one of those couples. You'll have your pick of men who want regular sex, and he'll find plenty of wives who want nothing to do with it.  

Obviously I'm just kidding about that, but you should take some time to read the threads about sexless marriages. You won't find any happy endings. The best that seems to happen is that the couple comes to an understanding that intimacy is important and the low-drive partner makes an effort to increase the frequency. It never seems to happen that the low-drive partner actually finds their desire for sex again. The reality is, if you want a partner who is truly enthusiastic about sex, you'll have to leave your husband and find a guy who is a better match.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Can we say he's acting like an idiot?


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

Broken...

I wish I had a suggestion. The only thing I can think of is talking to him and trying to get him to open up about what the problem really is... because he's obviously not telling you something. Aside from that, I'd be at my wits end, too. I'm 52, and if my wife sat on my lap wearing only a robe, things would be happenin', p.d.q.! 


-H.


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