# Reasons people date before they are even divorced?



## Philly8 (Mar 16, 2010)

As I mentioned in another thread, my wife is dating someone right now. We haven't filed for divorce yet (and I'm hoping to avoid that). 

What are some reasons people decide to date so soon after separating? I cannot imagine doing that myself and I don't see how any relationship like that has a chance of lasting anyways. 

Again, just looking for some insight to better understand her actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I don't get it either. To me, that's cheating. A person should have a little restraint-and dignity-to wait at least until the divorce is final before you start seeing somebody new. 
When you do something like that, it looks as though it's a rebound kind of thing. And it also dashes any hope for a reconciliation.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

HappyAtLast said:


> I don't get it either. To me, that's cheating. A person should have a little restraint-and dignity-to wait at least until the divorce is final before you start seeing somebody new.
> When you do something like that, it looks as though it's a rebound kind of thing. And it also dashes any hope for a reconciliation.


As in all things, perspective is important.
I'm not divorced. I'm dating. Happily.
Wife is still with TOM.

We have been separated 17 months. We have all of the paperwork for divorce, she hasn't fulfilled a state requirement to complete the process.

I don't ever recommend dating as a form of escapism or avoidance.
If you are in the early stages of a divorce, it's a losing proposition. However there are plenty of reasons why people do it.

- rebuild confidence
- lonliness
- vengence
- socializing
- sex
- try to replace partner
- avoid anguish and feelings of rejection from partner
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Deejo said:


> As in all things, perspective is important.
> I'm not divorced. I'm dating. Happily.
> Wife is still with TOM.
> 
> ...


Oh, I know WHY people do it, I just don't think it's a good idea.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If one or both are involved with other people, reconciliation isn't really on the radar.

I understand what you are saying, and I actually have the same opinion. 

Finish the relationship you are in before starting a new one. 

That simply means making sure your mental house is in relative order.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Philly8 said:


> As I mentioned in another thread, my wife is dating someone right now. We haven't filed for divorce yet (and I'm hoping to avoid that).
> 
> What are some reasons people decide to date so soon after separating? I cannot imagine doing that myself and I don't see how any relationship like that has a chance of lasting anyways.


Most obvious reason is that the divorce is just finalizing some paperwork: emotionally, she's done. If you're at a football game, and there's 2 minutes left on the clock, and your team is 17 touchdowns behind, you might decide to head out to the car right now so you don't get stuck in traffic.

Well, if she thinks your marriage is as over as that football game, she may not see any need to wait around the last few boring minutes while the clock runs out.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

First off, I need to thank Deejo for helping me come to my senses on this subject. 

I haven't dated yet, but I did try to. For me, it was a variety of reasons. I was lonely, depressed, and feeling rejected. I also wanted to prove to myself that I could move on, that I wouldn't be alone forever. I bumped into an old crush, and talking to her made me happy for the first time in months. Fortunatly she was smart enough to gently let me down...I could have potentially destroyed 2 lives had she accepted my advances, and I now realize how stupid of me it was to try and get myself involved with someone new so soon.

Just because my stbx W has been carrying on an A for the last 6 months does NOT give me a right to do the same. I think of how awful the last few months have been after learning about the A, and I cannot comprehend how anyone could be so cruel to someone the vowed to be with until death.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, what's the topic - why or the morality?

I did actually request to my wife we wait about 4 months outta respect for each other and the marriage. She did not even abide by that. I did put it out there for discussion. . .she just put her hand up and waved me off.

I would have been open to any agreement - date right away, wait awhile, wait until divorce. She didn't even want to talk about it.

Yeah, I am aware that the vows of "death do us part" mean little to her. A few months before seperation I asked her about all our friends we knew from college who were divorced and did it make her sad to hear that and her rx'n was:

"Eh" (in a "no big deal" voice)

I chose to date because I feel she checked out (and my therapist gave me her blessing for me to date) long ago. Long ago.

But I am open to the idea I am acting immorally.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

I started dating too soon after my separation, before my divorce. At the time I was too emotionally exhausted to face the divorce and I wanted to be happy and have some fun back in my life.

It was too soon though for me and I ended up being really flaky with the man I was seeing, and hurting him, which just added MORE stress to my life.

I was not as concerned with the moral side of things, as it pertained to my EX and I, as I felt he has already totally blown that by cheating on me. Also, he was not doing what he needed to do to try and mend things, so I didn't really believe in my heart that a true reconciliation would ever be possible..
For me, I think it was a way of me TRYING to move on after a really terrible breakdown of my marriage.
Plus, if I waited, I'd still be waiting as we took over 2 years to finally make the divorce official.
I think that after a separation there are two stages of divorce, the legal one and the one in your heart. Once you know it's over (or on the road to over) in your heart, then that might be the time to think about dating, even if it's not been finalized legally yet.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well honestly on this topic I am a lil confuzzled. See she left , she had a EA if not a PA going , and here I am the one who got railed. I am not looking so much for dating or a relationship. But I would like to have dinner or something with someone new just to have new conversation. I have told her I am here for her if she wanted to work things out ( for so long mind you ) and she I guess is happy. We don't talk on the phone or txt. If we do talk it is through email and it is brief and to the point. Though only seperated about 2 months we are working on the property settlement now so she can quit worrying her head about me missing payments and screwing up her credit or me going after her for half of the mortgage she is obligated to. Honestly I didn't want any of this but it is life (c'est la vie). Any thoughts or opinons ?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Carefulthoughts said:


> Honestly I didn't want any of this but it is life (c'est la vie). Any thoughts or opinons ?


Opinion? You sound a little too passive about the whole thing. Unless you were already miserable and done with the marriage, sounds like you haven't even hit your stride as far as grieving, or being mad as hell.

Relating to other women, a dinner date, or cup of coffee for conversation is how I started. I just wanted to _talk_ to women, which actually works in your favor. They can smell desperation like sharks smell blood in the water.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Opinion? You sound a little too passive about the whole thing. Unless you were already miserable and done with the marriage, sounds like you haven't even hit your stride as far as grieving, or being mad as hell.
> 
> Relating to other women, a dinner date, or cup of coffee for conversation is how I started. I just wanted to _talk_ to women, which actually works in your favor. They can smell desperation like sharks smell blood in the water.


oh but I have Deejo. I've repaired the wall in the house , hand has healed and bought a new phone. I am passive and accepting because I don't like to be angry cause there is so much in life to be angry about (I.e. Go look at the news on any given day) I'm at the trying to forgive part and moving on with my life. This is between her and God. She knows how I feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Philly8 said:


> What are some reasons people decide to date so soon after separating? I cannot imagine doing that myself and I don't see how any relationship like that has a chance of lasting anyways.
> 
> Again, just looking for some insight to better understand her actions.


 Simple answer is : Because People NEED people, they want to feel loved , appreciated and sometimes getting this from the opposite sex is what they are craving. The family, kids , friends just isn't filling the Hole in thier hearts for love - when they know it is over with the spouse. 

I agree , it is not the best way to handle life, but people are weak, especially if we are talking months & months & months later. If I knew it was over with my significant other and we were never going to reconcile, no hope at all, I know me all too well, I would want someone of the opposite sex in my life. Call me weak, selfish, or just human. 

I am not in this situation, nor have ever been, but I feel I could "fall" easily to this tempation - if I was.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Interesting topic!

Honestly it did crossed my mind to date but I don't think my inside heal just enough to deal with someone new. 

Although I agree with SA, people need people. Before I got separated with my H, I craved that feelings of being loved, appreciated and admired by a men but I didn't act on those feelings. Even now after we're separating...I still can't put my self out there. Yes, it would be nice to hear all the BS about how adorable or beautiful I look as God knows my self confidence has been on its lowest point but my priorities right now is to heal me, to heal my son whose life is changing, get a job then maybe just maybe when the times are right I will dare to date again


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

artieb said:


> Most obvious reason is that the divorce is just finalizing some paperwork: emotionally, she's done. If you're at a football game, and there's 2 minutes left on the clock, and your team is 17 touchdowns behind, you might decide to head out to the car right now so you don't get stuck in traffic.
> 
> Well, if she thinks your marriage is as over as that football game, she may not see any need to wait around the last few boring minutes while the clock runs out.


artieb, thats the best explanation i ever heard. it is right on the point. for me, our marriage was over years ago, we lived together like two strangers, not communicating, not having sex. so what if we are still tied by a piece of paper? the game is over, the result is on the scoreboard. 

i did not want to date. i refused to. because i didn't see myself in any relationship again... but love waits for no one to be ready for it. one day a man came into my life and swept me off my feet. now all i want to do is be close to him. i know i am still married on paper, but my heart moved on.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

For a lot of my male friends and myself we were hoping beyond hope that we could continue to live with our children by coping with an angry spouse and being there for the kids.

My marriage was untenable by 1978, I didn't move out until April '84 after over 7 years of living with a very angry, depressed, unhappy, wife who on occasion wouldn't say a word to me for a month because, for example, I told her that the Yankee's won the pennant in 1932, not 1931. Seriously. I had to get on my hands and knees and beg because I knew the answer and disagreed with the source of all knowledge.

In retrospect my then wife was right when she refused my offer of marriage, if I had been thinking with my brain instead of my little head, I would have been aware that her angry days wouldn't stop just because we were married and had kids. 

In the years leading up to '84 I was in therapy and was picked up by several women in sexy places like the library and bakery. I took to them like a starving man, enjoying the company of a woman, being appreciated for the first time in almost a decade.

My ex dated once or twice after we separated, but foreswore men.

As for me I went to a local singles group once August '84 and a lovely dancer kidnapped me in the parking lot, our first date was on Friday and hasn't yet ended. I think I suffer from the Oslo syndrome.

In 1984 in CT it took about a minimum of a year to go from filing for a divorce until it became final if the parties agreed on terms. FYI, my ex served me, and I tried unsuccessfully to patch things up before looking for a date.

So, to answer your original question I think dating before the divorce is final is because the marriage ended long before the legal process got started.


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