# Rediscovering Intimacy



## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

This is my first post here and I am hoping I'll get some useful advice from other members of this site.

First some background:
My wife and I have been married over 30 years (we met in college). Our grown son is off on his own. We're in a good place financially, so there are no significant worries there beyond when to retire.

I have a well paying job that can be very stressful and demanding much of the year, but particularly when we get down to the last two months of the year. I have been in this profession for about the last 20 years of our married life. It is not unusual for me to need to respond to emails after dinner and on weekends, but it also extends to holidays/vacations, etc. My wife is proud of what I've accomplished, but hates what the job is doing to our relationship, to the point where she has pulled away physically and emotionally. She has recently described our relationship as being like two roommates.

My job takes a toll on my energy level, and for many years I de-stressed at the end of the day with a few drinks. Those factors (and others) killed my libido, while hers is impaired by other factors such as anti-depressant medication (which she'll be on forever). Our sex life has been nil for such a long time. 

Our marriage from the outside looks wonderful. The reality is that we're both hurting. I feel like she resents me for working hard (even around the house and doing things like looking after finances). We're stuck in a deep rut and I'm not sure what to do. I went to see a counselor yesterday as a first step in trying to figure out a way to recover from this situation. We talked about possible changes to the pace at work, but realistically, I see much I can change there, however I will be talking to my manager about the toll the job is taking on me and my personal life.

Sorry for the long post, but I felt the background was needed so others could get a full picture of what I'm dealing with. How can we rediscover intimacy? I strongly believe we both want to stay together and neither of us has mentioned ending the marriage. We don't fight, but all the talking we've done about the issue has led to bitterness and sadness. We know there's a big, multi-faceted problem in our marriage, but we're not sure how to begin to dig ourselves out of this. Any suggestions would be most appreciated.

Rob


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There is only one thing you need for this to work - the motivation and desire to have a sex life - preferably on both sides. If you have that, almost anything will work. If you dont have that, almost nothing will work.



Rob2380 said:


> while hers is impaired by other factors such as anti-depressant medication *(which she'll be on forever)*. Our sex life has been nil for such a long time.


Why do you say forever? Part of her depression might be due to your work/life balance. She may well blame you for it. You have certainly done your utmost to create the most boring marriage one could possibly imagine. The good news is that you are beginning to conceive that more joy could be achieved. given how crazy your sense of priorities have been, I would say it will be quite easy for you to improve. You think it will be hard, but I disagree. Onece things start to defrost a bit, the main problem you are going to face will be the back-lash when your wife becomes resentful that you did not wake up sooner - but that is a few months away, and can be handled. Keep writing.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

From the point of view of a woman...your husband being succesful in his profession is a 2-side thing. On one hand you love and respect him for his achievements and feel like you should support him as much as you can, on the other hand you feel abandoned, less important and low priority comparing to your husband's career. 

From my point of view the solution is relatively easy...make up some man-woman...-not husband wife not anything else- time.
Slowly but surely like when you'd date someone. To an extent it will probably boost your libido and hers. It's easily solvable with patience and perseverance as Mark said. But since you grew apart in months/years, growing closer to eachother will take some time. It's like when you decide to exercise ...take one small step every day and keep it up, instead of running miles one day, getting tired and frustrated and giving up.

One thing that might work is keeping her around for your working time at home...get her to sit next to you eventually rub your back, maybe tell her about what you're doing...stuff like that...you'll be doing your job and being with her somehow. If you also explain that you have to do your job but hate that it's at home and want to also feel her close while you do that...well maybe you'll get massages and a happier wife by this. Just an idea.


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Mark and Nekko are correct in their suggestions. I will tell you that my own experience closely resembles yours. I had started a business, small manufacturing company, drained the life out of me and my past marriage. I also had a few wind down beers a night and the tensions between my ex and I escalated to the point where I withdrew from her. It was a snow ball effect that eventually turned to her leaving and having a affair(lived with him) over a half year. 

I learned a valuable lesson from it. What mistakes I would never do again. I can tell you that if you prioritize what is most important to you in your life and then make strides to correct what is not working, you could still possible salvage your marriage and more importnatly your relationship with your wife.

She needs to feel that you put her first before everything else. That means, take and put the phone away when you walk in the door. It can wait until morning. Take a day off once a month or once every couple of weeks. Take this time to surprise her out of the blue and go on a road trip. It doesn't have to cost money, the point is that your spending quality time with her. I would bet one of her complaints is that she doesn't get time with you and it was or is all she has wanted from you in the first place. Have a date night/date day once a week. Take a day, stick to it, and spend that entire day with her, out of the house, doing something that she enjoys or that in time both of you enjoy. Right now though you need to do things that make her feel that you desperately want to spend time with her. Rmoance her without putting any expectations on her for something in return, ie sex. For now your trying to reconnect with her and she shouldn't feel any negativity towards your actions, even if at first you only receive negativity. Start communicating with her, and don't try to act like your getting your tool box out to fix anything. Just shut up and listen to her. Your responses should be supportive, positive, and understanding. This will become the verbal and emotional connection that she will need to feel you and your presence in her life. 

Finally, go out and get two books. Their excellent reads and even though their a little bit of a religiious overture to them, not sure where you stand with that, they have an excellent message. One is called "The Five Love Languages" and the other is called "The Love Dare" I believe both are likely in the spirituality section of your local bookstore. If not, their in the self help section. 

I wish you luck, your in a very deep hole but it doesn't appear that anything you have stated tells me that their is damage done like I had. But your work is positively ahead of you just as was stated by the previous posters.


----------



## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

Just a quick note to say thank you for your quick and helpful replies to my post yesterday. 

The common thread here seems to be that I should small, but immediate steps to show my wife that I can and will change. I have spent time over the last day compiling ideas that I feel will likely have a positive impact on our relationship to at least relieve the tension. Some are just common sense like putting away the BlackBerry when I walk in the door, but planning time to be with each other will be key. 

Re-igniting passion is not going to be as simple. The counselor I saw the other day suggested joining a health club so we could get exercise and do something together. Said it was good for the libido too. My wife's anti-depressant medication kills her libido, not to mention dulling her ability to achieve orgasm. When we are intimate, it's always in the back of her mind that she'll not be able to climax. (Mark had asked why she has to be on the meds for life. When she's been off it for any length of time, the depression returns and her Dr. has advised her to stay on it indefinitely.) I am hopeful that by taking steps to reduce the impact of work on my personal life that my libido will be recharged and that will start to turn things around for her. Thanks again. 
Rob


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Well, us European people have a different approach when it comes to depression. Or at least where i live (not sure if it's a whole continent thing). 

We don't really believe in anti-depressive medication because it just hides the disorder. From what i notice, US people believe depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain.So they just prescribe drugs, expect the body to start producing those chemicals on their own when they slowly take away the drugs, and are shocked to see that it doesn't happen. So they conclude that medication is needed for a lifetime.

People where i live see it differently, they think the chemical imbalance in the brain is a sympthom of depression (due to faulty negative thinking aka people perceive things worse than they are in reality. This leads to some very strong emotions from some very basic problems). So for short, people here would rather take 5-6 months of utter misery and depression, learn to change their attitude towards life, eat a bit healthier, work out...and recover with no chance of depression coming back, rather than taking pills and not facing the real problem. But i guess this all has to do with the society you're in and the way people view things. 

Yes, to go slowly but surely is the way to go. You're probably a smart person if you are so succesful at your job. So that makes you capable of figuring out what you can do to improve your relationship. Always remember you're doing it for both of you, and not just her happiness. And don't be discouraged if after two steps forward you ocassionally take a step back too. It's part of the process. I'm willing to bet that if you're a bit closer to her emotionally the sexual part will start getting easier too. And then, you can make a sort of plan to make that a bit better too.

Best of luck to you. 

While her medication may make it harder for her to achieve orgasm, i don't think that's the whole story....other things are contributing to that..such as her not wanting to loose control around you (not feeling safe enough, deep down being angry at you etc...)..for short not being relaxed enough.


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Rob,think of it as reprogramming yourself. You are esentially doing a time management study on your day and the first priority is replacing all negatives in your day with the relationship being put into those time slots. 

Think of your day and how you can esentially reopen communication and quality time with your wife. I spend time during my work day texting my wife little love messages as well as quick little phone chats just to let her know I amthinking of her and miss her. I come home and focus on her,help her withanything around the house, or sit down with her and chat for a while. Your putting her first in everything you can. Basically its like dating her again for the first time and you want her to feel a reconnection with you. Your going tothrow every once of energy into her beyond anything you have ever done in your life, ie work etc. It doesn't take tons of planning, but spontanious actions more or less.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

I have begun to re-claim my marriage. I've done a lot of thinking over the past several days about all the ways that I've screwed up our relationship. I did a few things yesterday that were noticed and appreciated by my wife. I took the time to comment on what she was wearing to work yesterday and told her she looked pretty. Usually I'm off to work while she's still putting on her makeup, but yesterday took a later train. Then at work I blocked off four specific dates in the few months where we can go away for a long weekend. I also wrote a long email acknowledging that she had every right to be mad at me, to have pulled away emotionally and physically and to want me to show her with my actions a willingness to change. I told her I loved her and wanted this marriage to be the best it can be. Later in the day she got a chance to read it and she wrote a long note back. Things are improving, but it's a long road ahead. I'll continue to post how it goes in this thread.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Rob2380 said:


> Things are improving,* but it's a long road ahead*. I'll continue to post how it goes in this thread.


It's only as long as you want to make it. A room can seem awfully dark until you open the curtains and let the sunlight in. Then everything is illuminated. It's the difference between night and day. 

Both of you have reaped the results of mutual neglect. As soon as you build up the motivation to give your marriage 100%, things will get easier. It won't even be an effort. Effort is a symptom of not being 100% motivated.


----------



## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

Saturday marked another step in our recovery towards reconnecting as a couple. We went out for breakfast together at a place she wanted to try. Then, after a quick shopping errand, it was off to an early matinee movie, ("It's Complicated", with Meryl Streep) then back home. Later, I prepared a nice dinner for us, and for a change we put on music and lit some candles. Afterwards, we had a good old fashioned make out session that started while dancing in our living room and ended on the couch. Around 9:00 it was outside for a soak in our spa on the deck. It was a lovely, but brutally cold evening under a clear night sky. We soaked for a good 45 minutes, just relaxing in the hot water with steam rising above our heads. 

After we got ready for bed, there was more kissing, which turned to fondling, groping, hot passionate sex that left us breathless. It was incredible, and something we both needed so much.

My wife told me it was the most perfect day she had had in a long time. It was a day in which I didn't focus on work, or chores, but instead focused on her. We did a lot of talking over dinner about us, and how we got here. I am hopeful this will be the start of a new phase in our relationship.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Rob2380 said:


> My wife told me it was the most perfect day she had had in a long time. It was a day in which I didn't focus on work, or chores, but instead focused on her. We did a lot of talking over dinner about us, and how we got here. I am hopeful this will be the start of a new phase in our relationship.


And I bet it did not seem like an effort either


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Rob2380 said:


> Saturday marked another step in our recovery towards reconnecting as a couple. We went out for breakfast together at a place she wanted to try. Then, after a quick shopping errand, it was off to an early matinee movie, ("It's Complicated", with Meryl Streep) then back home. Later, I prepared a nice dinner for us, and for a change we put on music and lit some candles. Afterwards, we had a good old fashioned make out session that started while dancing in our living room and ended on the couch. Around 9:00 it was outside for a soak in our spa on the deck. It was a lovely, but brutally cold evening under a clear night sky. We soaked for a good 45 minutes, just relaxing in the hot water with steam rising above our heads.
> 
> After we got ready for bed, there was more kissing, which turned to fondling, groping, hot passionate sex that left us breathless. It was incredible, and something we both needed so much.
> 
> My wife told me it was the most perfect day she had had in a long time. It was a day in which I didn't focus on work, or chores, but instead focused on her. We did a lot of talking over dinner about us, and how we got here. I am hopeful this will be the start of a new phase in our relationship.


BINGO!!!

thats awesome. it is esy to get wrapped up in work in these times. connectivity with cell phones and blackberries fosters a situation where its difficult to get away from work. but its a must in a relationship, a must. she responded well to you spending quality time together. i think you have already figured out a solution to your problems.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is a beautiful story. 




Rob2380 said:


> Saturday marked another step in our recovery towards reconnecting as a couple. We went out for breakfast together at a place she wanted to try. Then, after a quick shopping errand, it was off to an early matinee movie, ("It's Complicated", with Meryl Streep) then back home. Later, I prepared a nice dinner for us, and for a change we put on music and lit some candles. Afterwards, we had a good old fashioned make out session that started while dancing in our living room and ended on the couch. Around 9:00 it was outside for a soak in our spa on the deck. It was a lovely, but brutally cold evening under a clear night sky. We soaked for a good 45 minutes, just relaxing in the hot water with steam rising above our heads.
> 
> After we got ready for bed, there was more kissing, which turned to fondling, groping, hot passionate sex that left us breathless. It was incredible, and something we both needed so much.
> 
> My wife told me it was the most perfect day she had had in a long time. It was a day in which I didn't focus on work, or chores, but instead focused on her. We did a lot of talking over dinner about us, and how we got here. I am hopeful this will be the start of a new phase in our relationship.


----------



## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

Just another quick update on our situation. Yesterday we made plans to go away for a long weekend this Saturday. My wife is so excited. It's a quick two day trip up north to a nice hotel overlooking the water, and it will be nice to get away. The BlackBerry stays behind! It is so nice to see her happy again. We are doing better and talking more. I'm sure this weekend will be another giant step in our reconnecting as a couple. I'm going to plan a trip to NYC for her birthday. She's always wanted to go there with me.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Rob2380 said:


> Saturday marked another step in our recovery towards reconnecting as a couple. We went out for breakfast together at a place she wanted to try. Then, after a quick shopping errand, it was off to an early matinee movie, ("It's Complicated", with Meryl Streep) then back home. Later, I prepared a nice dinner for us, and for a change we put on music and lit some candles. Afterwards, we had a good old fashioned make out session that started while dancing in our living room and ended on the couch. Around 9:00 it was outside for a soak in our spa on the deck. It was a lovely, but brutally cold evening under a clear night sky. We soaked for a good 45 minutes, just relaxing in the hot water with steam rising above our heads.
> 
> After we got ready for bed, there was more kissing, which turned to fondling, groping, hot passionate sex that left us breathless. It was incredible, and something we both needed so much.
> 
> My wife told me it was the most perfect day she had had in a long time. It was a day in which I didn't focus on work, or chores, but instead focused on her. We did a lot of talking over dinner about us, and how we got here. I am hopeful this will be the start of a new phase in our relationship.


Wow. 

Maybe you could talk to my husband! That does sound like a perfect day.


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Awesome Rob!!!!! Your doing it and I bet it feels amazing inside for both of you. Keep this up now permanently and I bet you will have this level of enjoyment for the rest of your lives. 

Just remember, this is your new life now and everyday you wake up you will want to put her first even when the daily grind is on you. Like Mark said, it isn't that hard once you put your mind to it.


----------



## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

I loved reading this!
Good for you, Rob!
It's a fantastic, aspiring story


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Rob, today is mywife and my date day. Today we are taking a drive to a nearby city to enjoy some good food and do a little shopping. We have had this date day nearly every single friday. The last month has been a little more difficult with the holidays and she is in the last month of her pregnancy but we always focus on having these days every week we possibly can. If you get around to reading the five love languages, you will get a little more insight into what your wife's love language is. My wife's is quality time, and these scenic drives spending the day together is what she referred to as when she feels the most loved. 

Good luck in your continued pursueing of finding intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cherishedby1 (Jan 15, 2010)

I do think counseling is a great help source, stick with it till you can both meet together in the sessions. Then re-evaluate how it helped you.
Someone passed this little problem solver by me. "If you are gonna fight- Fight naked!" You're welcome to try it but not in public please.


----------



## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

Another update and a quick thank you to everyone who has offered advice and encouragement since I started this thread a few weeks ago.

I am just back from a weekend away with my wife. It was our first overnight trip since a vacation back in early Sept. We had such a wonderful time just being with each other. I did not look at work emails the entire time we were away. My spouse seemed so happy to be away from the routine. This morning as we were packing to head home (in a steady snow) she told me how much this weekend meant and how much better she was feeling about us. There was lots of physical affection, plenty of sensual affection and both of us just relaxing with each other. We'll do this again in a few weeks and I'm looking forward to it.  We did a lot of talking and sharing thoughts. 

What's also encouraging is that she's been telling me how she's noticed the effort I'm making to be more attentive to her and less distracted by work. It's been nice to have her tell me that.

Now I have to continue this behavior, even when things get busy at work, as they undoubtedly will. Still going to keep the appointment with the counselor tomorrow.


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Dont think of it as a behavior but a feeling and that your expressing those feelings to the person you love more than anything else in life. It may sound odd but you would put her first, even before your own children so to speak. Think of that statement as setting the example to your children of what your love for your wife means and that they can witness what a real relationship is all about. 

Love isn't a behavior so much as a feeling and commitment to your significant other.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I love reading this post. I wish my husband could read it too.


----------



## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

Things are continuing to improve as I make small efforts that are having a big impact on our relationship. For example, I took off two days by myself this week and didn't do any work or even look at my BlackBerry. Although I was by myself, I did some errands we'd usually do together on the weekend, freeing up time for us to do something fun yesterday. Friday night I greeted my wife with a (somewhat healthy) lasagna that was well underway when she arrived home and we had a nice late meal followed later in the evening with some absolutely mind-blowing, highly charged sex. It was scary good, the kind that made me think if I feel any better than this I may have a heart attack, kind of good. It was drawn out over about two hours, leaving us both panting and exhausted. 

Yesterday my wife told me again how much she's enjoying the changes I've made and how much happier she is now.

I did go to the counselor (and told her about this site, which she made a note of since it was unknown to her) and she told me to keep doing what I'm doing. I don't feel a need to go back for now.

Life is much better today compared to three weeks ago.


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Good for you Rob2380. Now can you pls go and talk to my husband?


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Rob, don't stop therapy just yet. Part of this new cycle you are doing will need to be life long. Your therapy is good, cut back if you feel the need but part of this is not just rediscovering intimacy, its rediscovering you as well. Plus she will possibly question if it will stop improving or if you will relapse in her mind. I also want to stress that this can not be just sexual for you. She can not develop the feeling that this is sexually driven for you but a desire that you have to reconnect emotionally with her. That is the ultimate goal that you are pursuing with her. She will also go thru cycles in this and she needs to recognize that you are her rock emotionally. Keep up the great work, your well on your way!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

