# Dreaded Silent Treatment



## LosLonely (Feb 22, 2012)

Hi all,
My husband has been giving me the silent treatment for 4 days now. He will answer with one word, or say a line to make my feelings hurt then clam up and give me glares. We had a huge fight, and I finally voiced what I have been feeling for years (he wanted to make a huge change in our family's life and I have never been okay with it). He has told me when we are not mad that he wishes he had more freedom i.e. could fly anywhere at any moment etc. I am not trying to take away his freedom, but we have responsibiltes that we need to take care of i.e. our daughter. I love the man, but he hurts me so much. He has never been the "lovey dovey" type, doesn't hug me, doesn't kiss me, doesn't say he loves me etc. Which before we were married he would do, if he hadn't I wouldn't have married him. When I confront him about this he just says "that's the way he is." A month ago I finally said that I was okay with what he wanted to make him stop holding it over me (he had told me he would be more "connected" if I would just accept what he wanted to do). He actually started trying to hug me and etc at that point and I was over the moon. But sure enough, the nagging started once again. I am not going into details what he wants to do, but it would cause a lot of pain in my life and my daughters and he says he considers it but I feel like he never truly has, because if he did he would stop pressuring me to be okay with it. I just want him to put my daughter and I first over this. I don't want to be told that I am hindering anyone's freedom, because I am not that type of person. I don't mind him going out and hanging with friends staying gone weekends etc. We just need him to "man up" and take care of things at home. Because I got so mad (I finally had enough it has been going on 4 years) he now blames me with it not going to work out. When this whole time I just wanted him to come to that conclusion on his own. He has refused to go to counseling, but I don't want to give up on our family. He told me that he could see us ending in divorce, but he does love me deep down. What should I do? Should I just be quiet during the silent treatment? I don't want to give in to something another time that I am not okay with. I have a choice in this marriage too, he has forgotten that. 

Sorry it is so long, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I could really use some help. Thanks.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I really feel for you. Silent treatments are my trigger; I used to go nuts when my H did that to me. I would try and play his game and not talk to him but I always lost. I went to a counselor and my H came to a session and we talked about it in the session. The counselor told him it was a form of emotional abuse but even that didnt make a dent. 

I always gave in but usually I picked a fight with him. Sometimes I would try and resolve it amicably but that led to a lot of resentment on my part, which led to more fighting. I felt like I was the only one holding the marriage together and that I was constantly pushing him to be emotionally invested in the relationship. 

But when you think about it, it's impossible to hold a marriage together this way. If you are always the one trying to resolve conflict then you'll get resentful which will lead to fighting, which leads to distance. You just can't win this way. 

I handled the silent treatments a couple of ways. I had a breakthrough a few years ago when I realized that most of the hurt I was experiencing had nothing to do with my H; it had to do with my past. I was reacting to my H with the full force of the pain from my past. Once I made that connection I was able to step back and see the situation with my H without the pain from the past. It made things much easier to deal with. I realized it was abusive to me but that it wasnt abuse from my H. He's just a guy with his own problems. His dysfunctional coping mechanism hits you the wrong way because of your dysfunctional coping mechanisms. He's as clueless as you are and he's doing what he thinks is right. That realization took the fight right out of it for me. I started to see him as just like me instead of 'the one inflicting pain on me.' We were both just confused swinging around in the dark. 

The other thing that helped was doing boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage by cloud and townsend. I did them on my one for awhile because it caused a lot of fighting if we tried to do it together. i swore to myself to never discuss the relationship unless it was while doing the boundary book. there is also a workbook that guides you. 

the last thing i did was create some balance in my life. My H had become my world and while i thought that was how it was supposed to be when you're in love i quickly learned that it's unhealthy. So i found some other things that i loved doing to create some balance. 

When my H gives me the silent treatment these days I don't see it as 'the silent treatment' anymore. I dont see him as inflicting pain on me. I see him trying to manage his issues the only way he knows how. I'll tell him that i feel hurt and that it will be hard to have an emotional connection if he doesnt talk but I leave it up to him as far as what to do about it. If he chooses not to talk then that does hurt because there's a loss of love but if i respect him as a person separate from me then i have to give him the freedom to do what makes him happy.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Your happiness is important too. You feel you aren't getting any affection, that you and your child aren't his first priority and if he doesn't get what he wants he pushes you away further until you cave in. Because 'that's the way he is'.

Seriously, some men come across as 'i want my freedom', 'don't control me' when you're not - you're trying to get them to do the right thing as a husband and a father. But the key here is you can't make him change into another person. All you can do - whether he wants to play the silent treatment game or not - is decide how much of yourself you're willing to put into this marriage. He's not putting in any effort. You're trying to keep your family together. He's not. If he can see it ending in divorce. then that's his loss.
Don't chase him and give in all the time.

If it doesn't work out, at least you're not spending the rest of your life in a one sided marriage where none of your needs are being met. Put a higher priority on your happiness too.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Silent treatment is childish and a form of mental abuse. He is game playing, he acts this way because he is not getting his way, just like a spoiled child. 

As far as him not showing you much affection, but did before you all were married I call BS on it. You said he told you "thats just the way he is" thats funny, he wasn't like that before you married. So either he lied about who he truly was or something has caused a dramatic change in him. 

It would be helpful though if you could share with us what it is he wants to do that you say would cause a lot of pain in your family.


----------



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

You need to be a little more specific in terms of what he wants to do. How do you define freedom? Being able to play a round of golf on Saturday without getting a gilt trip?

Freedom to travel at a moments notice? Who the hell does that? Sounds a bit strange. Is this being blown out of proportion? If he wants to travel at a moments notice, he must have a bottomless pit of money. Does he have a job? Sounds like you have children. I know from experience my kids chew up all my time. My freedom is leaving the house every day to go to work.:scratchhead:

As far as the silent treatment. It sounds like he has a very hard time communicating, four days is a long time. I know that when my wife and I have a blow out very rare but it happens. I shut down for a day. Why do I shut down, I want cooler heads to prevail. My theory is when people are angry the situation tends to unravel.


----------

