# Need advice on attraction issue, please!



## JustWantToBeMe (Oct 30, 2013)

When I first met my wife I was never 100% physically attracted to her but she has such a great mind and personality and is such a good kind person that I was in love with HER, the REAL her, and not a superficial exterior. I consider myself an intelligent sensitive person but as time has passed (10yrs of marriage) I am finding that this lack of attraction is starting to be a real mental barrier in growing closer to her. I don't want to be a stupid superficial guy but I just can't help it, I WANT to be attracted to my partner! I really don't know what to do as it is obviously a subject that can't be addressed without some serious ramifications but I don't know what to do! I'm embarrassed of myself for this even being an issue but it is and after 10 years I'm realizing that it has to be addressed in some way. Some of it has to do with her seeming disinterest in combating the inevitable weight changes associated with aging (we are both mid 30's) but there is absolutely NO good way to bring this up. I just need to vent and to know that maybe I'm not alone and perhaps get a little advice.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I was in love with HER, the REAL her, and not a superficial exterior.


Besides her weight, whats changed here ^?

You fell in love with the real her. Is she no longer real? Has she become someone else?


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## Jennifer871 (Oct 26, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Besides her weight, whats changed here ^?
> 
> You fell in love with the real her. Is she no longer real? Has she become someone else?


This is what i would look at too. Im sorry you're here and hope you can get some good advice


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## Carnation (Mar 26, 2010)

I too am thinking along the lines that she had changed as a person, or perhaps it is you who has changed as a person.

I take it you feel she is attracted to you, as before.


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## JustWantToBeMe (Oct 30, 2013)

She IS the same person and I still love the qualities in her that I loved to begin with but I'm just finding this lack of physical attraction to be an untoward obstruction to our growing relationship. Is it perhaps that men are just more reactive to physical stimuli? Like I said before, I am embarrassed that this has even become an issue but it is there nonetheless.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What do you find so unattractive about your wife? I'll be honest with everyone and state for me personally I can be attracted to a variety of women; however, there was a circuit breaker that would not allow me to date a woman if she didn't meet certain minimum levels of attractiveness to me.

For you to have fallen in love with her, there had to be some physical features that were "good enough" for you to feel happy and fulfilled up until now.


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## JustWantToBeMe (Oct 30, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> For you to have fallen in love with her, there had to be some physical features that were "good enough" for you to feel happy and fulfilled up until now.


Not necessarily, it's just taken 10yrs of trying to reason with and silence my inner "guy" who wants to be attracted to my wife but is not. I think the issue that has really pushed it to a point that I feel it must be addressed is the weight gain issue. This is obviously a VERY sensitive subject and can't be addressed without opening a huge can of worms. I was hoping that by taking care of myself for her (and for myself) the issue would be self-addressed without having to talk about it but it doesn't seem to be going that way.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JustWantToBeMe said:


> Not necessarily, it's just taken 10yrs of trying to reason with and silence my inner "guy" who wants to be attracted to my wife but is not. I think the issue that has really pushed it to a point that I feel it must be addressed is the weight gain issue. This is obviously a VERY sensitive subject and can't be addressed without opening a huge can of worms. I was hoping that by taking care of myself for her (and for myself) the issue would be self-addressed without having to talk about it but it doesn't seem to be going that way.


Aside from the weight, what do you not like about her physically? I am always surprised when someone agrees to marry someone he/she does not feel attraction for. You're supposed to get one shot at this. Why settle?


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## JustWantToBeMe (Oct 30, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Aside from the weight, what do you not like about her physically? I am always surprised when someone agrees to marry someone he/she does not feel attraction for. You're supposed to get one shot at this. Why settle?


When a person's personality and spirit far outweigh their physical appearance it's hard to see it as "settling". I thought of myself as someone who was intelligent enough to recognize the truly important qualities in a mate and I feel I have but this issue has raised it's ugly head without me wanting it to and despite my efforts to reason it away. She's not unattractive, just not attractive to me. No specifics, I just don't find her incredibly attractive.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

To make a complete person, it takes both that "spiritual part" (consciousness, thoughts, ideas, personality, etc) and the physical part. IMHO focusing on one aspect or the other exclusively will not work in the long term as you found out.

You are being a little evasive here though, and that's probably not intentional on your part since you are trying your hardest to see the deeper part of what makes your wife who she is. Maybe it's easier for you to tell us what do you find attractive in a woman physically. From what we know so far, your wife is not unattractive overall so much as she never really did it for you and when you factor in the weight it makes things even harder. 

But there are a whole slew of things your wife can try to make herself more physically appealing - and in general most of us can do the same too. Do you like how women look all dolled up and your wife doesn't use makeup? Does she look frumpy because she never wears nice clothes? Does she wear her hair in a style you never liked? 

I suppose what you need to do is list out those things you would like to see your wife do to up her attractiveness. I'm sure there is a good bit more she could do on her end to get you excited than you know or realize. Once you can get a good rough idea what you would like to see, then you can work on subtly guiding her towards doing those things to up her attractiveness. Since you won't confront directly, the subtle approach will have to be tried. Honestly though, I would recommend a more direct approach.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Also want to add that it may be more of an attitude as opposed to anything else. Some people exude a "sexiness" about them while others can't. To a certain extent this will transcend looks. Maybe your wife isn't attractive looking to you because she's not projecting her femininity in a more seductive way towards you. The mind is the single biggest sex organ we have.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

JustWantToBeMe said:


> When a person's personality and spirit far outweigh their physical appearance it's hard to see it as "settling". I thought of myself as someone who was intelligent enough to recognize the truly important qualities in a mate and I feel I have but this issue has raised it's ugly head without me wanting it to and despite my efforts to reason it away. She's not unattractive, just not attractive to me. No specifics, I just don't find her incredibly attractive.


No specifics? That's not true. Weight gain is specific. Not liking that she's heavier is very specific. She's still the same person, as you've stated inside, which is what WAS attractive to you. The physical part of her has changed, and now her insides aren't enough to keep you interested anymore.

I don't see how you cannot address this directly with her either. I'm thinking she feels or senses your disconnection to her. She should know why.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

To the OP, a lot of posters want to make you feel like crud. I won't to that. Your wife is greatly disrespecting you and your marriage.
By not maintaining her sexiness. Mid 30s is far far too young to let ones self go. A decent woman who understands men, marriage and is a fantastic person will not let themselves go. Bring this up to her. A good woman will understand and not get upset. My 47 year old wife looks very hot; Victoria Secret Hot! She knows how greatly important it is to man, a marriage, for her to look her best. But her looks aren't even her best trait! Her character, maturity, trustworthiness, loyalty, work ethic are her best traits. She knows how men are wired and has never caused me to apologize for wanting to come home to a MILF.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How much weight gain are we talking about?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> To the OP, a lot of posters want to make you feel like crud. I won't to that. Your wife is greatly disrespecting you and your marriage.
> By not maintaining her sexiness. Mid 30s is far far too young to let ones self go. A decent woman who understands men, marriage and is a fantastic person will not let themselves go. Bring this up to her. A good woman will understand and not get upset. My 47 year old wife looks very hot; Victoria Secret Hot! She knows how greatly important it is to man, a marriage, for her to look her best. But her looks aren't even her best trait! Her character, maturity, trustworthiness, loyalty, work ethic are her best traits. She knows how men are wired and has never caused me to apologize for wanting to come home to a MILF.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


I don't see anyone bashing the guy. I see him telling us that he never really felt attraction for his wife, but he can't specifically tell us what it is about her that he is not attracted to. My intent is to get him to open up and tell us objectively what makes his wife unattractive in his eyes. I'll bet in most cases it's something she can control and improve upon.

But you can't give any meaningful advice if all we have to go on is "she's not unattractive, but I've never been attracted to her and I don't know why". We know she gained weight and that's something tangible to work with. But what else is bothering the OP?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Is there someone else you are feeling attracted to that is stiring these feelings up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> To the OP, a lot of posters want to make you feel like crud. I won't to that. Your wife is greatly disrespecting you and your marriage.
> By not maintaining her sexiness. Mid 30s is far far too young to let ones self go. A decent woman who understands men, marriage and is a fantastic person will not let themselves go. Bring this up to her. A good woman will understand and not get upset. My 47 year old wife looks very hot; Victoria Secret Hot! She knows how greatly important it is to man, a marriage, for her to look her best. But her looks aren't even her best trait! Her character, maturity, trustworthiness, loyalty, work ethic are her best traits. She knows how men are wired and has never caused me to apologize for wanting to come home to a MILF.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


 Any decent person will marry for love and love their spouse for who they are. No one stays young forever, there is so much more to a marraige.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Is there someone else you are feeling attracted to that is stiring these feelings up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was typing this very question when I hit preview post and saw that someone had beat me to it.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

What Don'you suggest that you and her take up some sport like running,biking, raquetball. Good, fun aerobic workouts you'll both like

Then tell her you want to eat better so you can clear out the junk food at home. Have fun fixing nutritious meals together. She'll back in shape in no time.


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## JustWantToBeMe (Oct 30, 2013)

Just to clear things up, the weight gain is VERY minimal and is just something that pushed the issue forward for me. She is a very healthy vegetarian and maintains her looks relatively well but just has NO interest in doing any physical activity outside of walking and the occasional bike ride. Asking or expecting someone to start working out simply for preventative measure is VERY touchy and an incredibly difficult thing to bring up, which is why I have gone 10yrs without addressing it hoping that it would be corrected by her own choices. There really aren't specifics about why I am not totally attracted to her, she just has a face and body type I am not naturally attracted to and by no means is she unattractive, just average looking. I "looked past" the fact that she isn't my type physically thinking that it wouldn't matter in the long run but this issue isn't going away! I guess it's just my fault for not being more honest and selfish from the beginning, finding someone that I was physically attracted to as well as mentally.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

JustWantToBeMe said:


> Just to clear things up, the weight gain is VERY minimal and is just something that pushed the issue forward for me. She is a very healthy vegetarian and maintains her looks relatively well but just has NO interest in doing any physical activity outside of walking and the occasional bike ride. Asking or expecting someone to start working out simply for preventative measure is VERY touchy and an incredibly difficult thing to bring up, which is why I have gone 10yrs without addressing it hoping that it would be corrected by her own choices. There really aren't specifics about why I am not totally attracted to her, she just has a face and body type I am not naturally attracted to and by no means is she unattractive, just average looking. I "looked past" the fact that she isn't my type physically thinking that it wouldn't matter in the long run but this issue isn't going away! I guess it's just my fault for not being more honest and selfish from the beginning, finding someone that I was physically attracted to as well as mentally.


You're right. It is your fault for settling for less than what your ideal is. Should she suffer for that? 

I doubt if she jumped on a treadmill for an hour a day and went hiking 15 miles a week that you would find her more appealing. Your feelings are deeply rooted about her not measuring up to what you really truly want. Physically anyway...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

JustWantToBeMe said:


> Just to clear things up, the weight gain is VERY minimal and is just something that pushed the issue forward for me. *She is a very healthy vegetarian and maintains her looks relatively well but just has NO interest in doing any physical activity outside of walking and the occasional bike ride. Asking or expecting someone to start working out simply for preventative measure is VERY touchy and an incredibly difficult thing to bring up, which is why I have gone 10yrs without addressing it hoping that it would be corrected by her own choices.* There really aren't specifics about why I am not totally attracted to her, she just has a face and body type I am not naturally attracted to and by no means is she unattractive, just average looking. I "looked past" the fact that she isn't my type physically thinking that it wouldn't matter in the long run but this issue isn't going away! I guess it's just my fault for not being more honest and selfish from the beginning, finding someone that I was physically attracted to as well as mentally.


I'm pretty sure I don't understand the part in bold above. So, she's healthy and maintains herself. But you think she should be doing more. Why? Because you are afraid she'll maybe get fat at some point in the future? And you hoped that this - problem? - would be something she "corrected" on her own? What problem? That she's not as physically active as you want her to be?

Is the problem that you want to share a more physical lifestyle - more recreational time together - than you currently do and she refuses? Have you asked her to join you in more physical activities - running, swimming, sports, etc? 

Is there anything your wife could do that would help make her more attractive to you? Or is there someone else that you are comparing her to in your mind and she's just coming up short?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I almost have to LOL because I think I just learned something interesting about myself and the OP. I never made any qualms about applying a circuit breaker test first before I would consider dating anyone. So in theory, I thought I physical attraction was more important to me as opposed to the OP because if I didn't feel any desire for a woman then I wouldn't pursue it. But...I would say that I'm rather flexible about who I would date from an appearance standpoint. Weight would be the biggest concern up front, but if a woman is attractive and is more on the thick side, I'd date her. Not my MO because I dated and married more slender women. However, there are a variety of body shapes, nationalities, etc that I can become attracted to when you take the entire package into consideration.

The OP, OTOH, swears that he is most attracted to the mind and that looks were not his thing. Cool except...there is no single thing he can even point to for why he isn't attracted to his wife even though she has THE MIND that he craves. He even goes so far as to indicate that she's not unattractive, but there is just something about her that he can't feel attracted to for some reason. 

Irony of irony is this: The OP is MORE hung up on physical looks than I am. Clearly there is a certain type of physical appearance that he finds attractive in a woman that his wife clearly lacks. He has been evasive about what he likes.

So OP, it's time to have that moment of truth. You ARE very much into the physical. You are simply lying to yourself. In the meantime, I discovered that I'm not as hung up on physical appearance as I thought I was. Pretty interesting.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

count me among the confused, as well. If you love somone (as in interest in marrying them), how could you not have been attracted to them physically? that's right...there's no way that true love does not include sexual attraction. were you attracted to her when you married her, or did you literally marry somone you did not love?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

mablenc said:


> WalterWhite said:
> 
> 
> > To the OP, a lot of posters want to make you feel like crud. I won't to that. Your wife is greatly disrespecting you and your marriage.
> ...


How they look and the pride they have in themselves is in fact part of who they are. Nobody is young forever but I want my 47 year old wife to look her damned best for 47, and when she is 95, I want her to look her best for 95. Get me now ? A woman that respects her marriage, loves her husband, understands men gets what I'm saying and these women do not ever think that my words mean that a women's worth is how sexy she looks. I hope you're one of the ones that get what I day. A woman that lets her self go is a woman that broke at least one of her married vows, and this is grounds for divorce. Women that get men also get what I say. Thank God my wife does  x 100!!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I think it's sad that you can't be honest with her and you are not being honest with yourself. Whatever the reason (you are interested in someone else, you convinced yourself looks aren't important etc). Honesty is the most important thing. 

If this is how you feel, you should tell your wife...then either work on it or leave her, it's very unfair to feel like this and lead her along. Was there another motive for being with her? Something else? Money?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Have you been with her physically in the past 10yrs? How do you do that if you are not attracted to her?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustWantToBeMe said:


> Some of it has to do with her seeming disinterest in combating the inevitable weight changes associated with aging (we are both mid 30's) *but there is absolutely NO good way to bring this up.*


Sure there is. There is always a way.

But I am curious. Is something else going on here? Why, just now, after a decade or you finding this an issue?

Is there someone else in your mind's eye you are fantasizing of being with? Entertaining an affair? Involved with?

You can be honest with us. We have heard it all.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Are there times when you do find her attractive? For instance, if she has make up on or is wearing a special outfit? Or do you feel this way all the time?


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