# Pacification sex?



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

This seems crazy to me. It has been about 1 week since my husband and I have been intimate and I find myself extremely in need to say the least. When I mentioned this to him , he said "here you go again keeping score as to how often were having sex". This of course is not the first time we've had this conversation. I have tried to figure out why this is so because he isn't someone who communicates well at all regarding emotional issues. I guess it's my fault because when deciding to marry him, I knew this and I knew myself enough to know that I tend to be emotionally focus to figure out the hows and whys I do one thing as oppose to doing something else. I self analyze quite a bit. I just had hoped that with time he would be more open to sharing his feelings but instead 9 times out of 10, I'm left guessing at his feelings and intent.

Getting to the sex issue, I had told him repeatedly that when I bring this up and we end up having sex makes me feel that he is just doing it because I want to not because he has a desire to be with me. He made a great effort tonight by doing a lot of the things that I like but I just couldn't get there because in the back of my mind I keep thinking that this isn't genuine on his part . Essentially, I feel that the sex is just to shut me up for another 7 days. 

I've read a lot about the HD/LD relationship here on TAM and I guess that is what I have. Let me just say that our past includes infidelity on his part almost 5 years ago. So if he could cheat is he really LD. In actuality, we had more sex while the affair was going on then we do now which is one of the reasons why I hadn't known that he was cheating. Looking back on that time , I'm guessing that my body was probably a substitute for her which would explain the frequency. Am I right in this thinking? Of course, he denies this. 

He doesn't seems to mind that I have to take care of myself in this area of our marriage because the frequency is just not enough for me but I don't want pacification sex which makes me feel cheap. I really don't want to go outside my marriage but I don't know what to do. I'm more adventurous in bed and always was and I've asked him if my aggression is a turn off for him which he denies. 

I have been rejected so often that I've learned to wait on him which I think he makes me wait on purpose because he had mentioned that he knows that I won't refuse him. I keep up on the physical appearance aspects as I exercise regularly and I'm 5 ft 1 in and weigh 120 lbs but I'm at a lost. I even had his testosterone levels tested. If I am to infer from his nonverbal ques, it would mean that he's lost his desire for me . What am I to do? I care but he doesn't seems to. 
Is there a pill that decreases libido in women?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

> Is there a pill that decreases libido in women?


Why would you want to do that? It is not you that has the problem.

There is a lot of talk here about HD/LD but I am in a situation where I just don't trust these labels or really believe in it a whole lot. In the space of 2 years or so my husband has claimed to be low drive, middle drive, high drive and not entirely sure drive. Labeling someone eases the anxiety (they just can't help it) but doesn't actually fix the problem.

I actually think once a week is piss poor and I wouldn't be happy either. I feel irritated at grown adults who cannot talk about their emotions and sexual needs. In fact, that would be the deal breaker above actually having sex. He has to start talking to you about what is going on. 

Obviously the real issue is that you don't trust him, both to be faithful but also to not reject you. You are trying to win back your man with wild sex but his reaction is not as enthusiastic as your esteem needs. Maybe you are thinking if you have very hot sex 3 times a week = marriage is fixed, 'I have my man back - all is well'. His emotionally and sexually lackluster approach to your marriage leaves you insecure and vulnerable and it sounds like he is not even meeting you half way to fix the mess he has created. He should be going the extra mile to woo you back - maybe he thinks 5 years is ancient history - but to you it was yesterday. 

Rejection is hard and hurtful - he needs to OWN what he has done to you (and still doing), stop doing it and win your trust. And he needs to be aware that doesn't happen overnight - he has to keep doing it, like forever.

Notice I am saying what he needs to do. I think you are just fine as you are, sadly some people cannot see what is right in front of them. :frown2:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

maritalloneliness said:


> Let me just say that our past includes infidelity on his part almost 5 years ago. So if he could cheat is he really LD. In actuality, we had more sex while the affair was going on then we do now which is one of the reasons why I hadn't known that he was cheating. Looking back on that time , I'm guessing that my body was probably a substitute for her which would explain the frequency. Am I right in this thinking? Of course, he denies this.


IMO, yes, most likely.

Did you expose his affair to family, friends, his affair partner's spouse (if she had one)? 

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but here are my thoughts as I read and re-read your post. 

I think he wants sex, he is just cold with you. I don't know the reason, but rather than let you go, he seems to prefer to stay and get his other needs met probably (food, affection, etc). Divorce might shake up his world too much. 

Have you come to resent him? What made you choose to forgive him? Was he genuinely remorseful or was it genuine imitation naugahyde remorse? 

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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Outside of the cheating your story sounds like it mine. This has been a life long battle for me. We go through periods of hot sex only after I confronted her about the rejection, but I too know it's fake for my benefit. I've read about the "great awakening" but so far have not seen it. I feel sex should not be in the category of chores to do but not having any luck changing her mind. 

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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I know it is not what you are asking about but I just can't understand why anyone would stay with a cheater, let alone want to have sex with them.

Have you considered divorce and gaining the freedom to find a man that loves, cherishes, respects and desires you?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I've resigned myself that trust is going to be an issue in our marriage for the rest of our lives. That lack of fear, blind trust that I had isn't ever going to be a reality. With facing the infidelity , trust is something I struggle with daily. After 5 years, it's still challenging .


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

The affair was with my sister in law and my brother was the one who exposed it after he recorded a conversation they were having making plans to meet in a hotel. Everyone in our close personal circle is aware of it.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

MrsHolland said:


> I know it is not what you are asking about but I just can't understand why anyone would stay with a cheater, let alone want to have sex with them.
> 
> Have you considered divorce and gaining the freedom to find a man that loves, cherishes, respects and desires you?


Why I stayed is multi faceted. Isn't it always? I can go on and list them right down to the insipid, annoying cliche that I love him but I'll refrain. Of course, I'd considered divorce but I chose to stay and work on things and on me.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

All power to you for choosing to stay and work on you but how can you stand to be with a man that cheated on you with a family member and by the sound of your words above has no desire for you. Don't you want a good life?


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

There are lots of men who would love to have a loyal, normal to high drive woman. Men that would also stay loyal and cherish you. The things you say about his uptick in drive during his affair. That has to amplify resentment in these times where your needs are not being met (or you wouldn't have mentioned it). You vaguely hinted that you don't want to step out of your marriage, but... - don't entertain that thought, you still have your dignity. 

Have you truly considered that the costs of divorce might be worth it? At a minimum, destabilization is necessary for change. You clearly showed that he is not working on a solution with you on this. He might if you finally show him that you are willing to actually leave him. 


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I'm a hopeless romantic so I believe in giving love a chance through forgiveness but, there has to be a renewal on the commitment from both parties. In your case I don't think he's keeping his part of the bargain and to add insult to injury he did it with a family member, so it's always thrown in your face. Given the facts you have i don't see this having a happy ending for you. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" sound familiar?

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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> All power to you for choosing to stay and work on you but how can you stand to be with a man that cheated on you with a family member and by the sound of your words above has no desire for you. *Don't you want a good life?*


These words stood out to me, because they are full of a simple yet powerful fact that you cannot have a good relationship, healthy in all ways, without self-love... reconciliation, to me, in many ways means you either have to enforce and reinforce this (self-love) in spades or you acquiesce and sit in an unmindful humility... there is little/no middle ground for success.

You are going to have to put yourself first in every mindful stance... so many time we say "I stay for love" when for all purposes we are really saying "I stay because I don't believe in myself enough".

There may be love mixed in it in many ways, but untangling it won't happen until you have that healthy relationship with self and with that you will have better clarity with your relationship with your husband and can make the wise choices in your relationship, whether you stay or go.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

maritalloneliness said:


> The affair was with my sister in law and my brother was the one who exposed it after he recorded a conversation they were having making plans to meet in a hotel. Everyone in our close personal circle is aware of it.


A question, how did your brother's marriage fare through this?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is so sad to hear that you are being sexually ignored. you sound like a sexy and wonderful woman who deserves to be sexually and emotionally satisfied.

About the only thing that is for sure...it is in no way YOUR fault, or somethng lacking in your personality or your body. just get that out of your head. It resides in your oafish husband. 

I would look around to see if there are any signs that he is cheating again. His behavior sounds odd, since he was horny enough for the other woman just a few years ago.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I would leave him. It sounds like you love a fantasy of who you think he might be in your mind. He cheated, with a family member, and pacifies you by tossing you sex once a week, or whenever. Even sounds like he enjoys making you wait. What do you love about someone like this?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Your relationship sounds a lot like mine was minus the cheating. I never figured it out. But it caused a lot of resentment on my part. For what its worth, my marriage eventually ended after 24 years though not thru any action on my part. If you can't work this out, your resentment will grow. Have you tried counselling?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> These words stood out to me, because they are full of a simple yet powerful fact that you cannot have a good relationship, healthy in all ways, without self-love... reconciliation, to me, in many ways means you either have to enforce and reinforce this (self-love) in spades or you acquiesce and sit in an unmindful humility... there is little/no middle ground for success.
> 
> You are going to have to put yourself first in every mindful stance... so many time we say "I stay for love" when for all purposes we are really saying "I stay because I don't believe in myself enough".
> 
> There may be love mixed in it in many ways, but untangling it won't happen until you have that healthy relationship with self and with that you will have better clarity with your relationship with your husband and can make the wise choices in your relationship, whether you stay or go.


My post seems to indicate that I am this wilting wallflower who has no self worth or at least lack in self esteem. Let me make myself perfectly clear regarding this issue, I am not. The affair happened and there is nothing that I can do regarding that but to accept it. I chose to stay not because I didn't have other choices or that I do not recognize my self worth. My decision to stay as I stated is multifaceted meaning I had to weigh a lot of issues that I was not satisfied with in the relationship. Is our relationship in need of work? Of course it is and I in no shape or form accepts any responsibility for his affair. I sought IC to gain perspective as to how to forgive him and deal with the pain that his affair caused me. 

If anything this affair caused me to realize that I am an individual who recognize that love doesn't solve everything and that it takes constant work. I have set boundaries in the relationship and have set rules of transparency to work on the trust factor which will probably never be resolved not that I expect it to be. Anyone who has ever been betrayed so elementally know that forgiveness and trust is a daily choice. I have no issues with being alone or facing my life alone if we decide that things are not working out in the marriage. I have also made myself perfectly clear that although I have forgiven this indiscretion does not mean that I will tolerate lies or another affair. 

I also recognize that it isn't conducive to keep bringing up this affair every time we have a disagreement or other issues. Otherwise, why forgive? My frustration stem from his lack of communication but this has been running theme in our marriage. It has improved through MC but it's far from perfect. I also understand that in his family communication of emotions was/is lacking and this is an issues that we are constantly battling and I have to call him out on that. I also can admit that I have a lot of resentments that I need to work through as do he. 

The sex issue is puzzling to me because of his passive/ aggressive way he is choosing to deal with it. If it is a lack of desire from his point of view, I wished he could communicate it in a better way as to not just ignore it which I feel that he is doing. The fact that I can voice this and he doesn't just leaves me to guess at his nonverbal cues which is extremely frustrating. Hopefully, this is something that we can work on in our MC.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> This seems crazy to me. It has been about 1 week since my husband and I have been intimate and I find myself extremely in need to say the least. When I mentioned this to him , *he said "here you go again keeping score as to how often were having sex". This of course is not the first time we've had this conversation.*
> 
> I have tried to figure out why this is so because he isn't someone who communicates well at all regarding emotional issues. I guess it's my fault because when deciding to marry him, I knew this and I knew myself enough to know that I tend to be emotionally focus to figure out the hows and whys I do one thing as oppose to doing something else. I self analyze quite a bit. *I just had hoped that with time he would be more open to sharing his feelings but instead 9 times out of 10, I'm left guessing at his feelings and intent.*
> 
> Let me just say that our past includes infidelity on his part almost 5 years ago. So if he could cheat is he really LD. In actuality, we had more sex while the affair was going on then we do now which is one of the reasons why I hadn't known that he was cheating. Looking back on that time , I'm guessing that my body was probably a substitute for her which would explain the frequency. Am I right in this thinking? Of course, he denies this.


You have some basic incompatibility issues.

*He's LD (at least within the confines of your marriage) and you are HD
*He's not as adventurous either because he's not that into you or because he is just simply not adventurous
*He isn't a communicator and you are

Have you heard of Hysterical Bonding? I'd guess you were having more sex during his affair because he was jacked up on Hysterical Bonding hormones and the frequency declined when that wore off.

You can work on communication in MC, but don't expect it to change him. He may learn to communicate a bit more, but that doesn't mean you'll ever get him to be say anything open with you. Some people just aren't wired that way.

I believe sexual attraction is something that is either there or it is not. If it's not, the best you're going to get is pacification sex. Some people are happy with pacification sex because it means their partner cares enough to try to meet their needs. Others need to actually be desired and cannot accept pacification sex because it is unsatisfying to them and doesn't actually meet their needs. The reality is, as long as you remain in this marriage, you are likely going to have to accept either very little sex or pacification sex.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I just think for the amount of mental and physical effort you're putting into your marriage, you're not really getting that much out of it. It seems from the threads I've read here about HD/LD...some HD people are quick to put the label of LD on their spouses, because it's probably better than telling themselves they just aren't compatible, sexually. That happens. You both just might not be sexually compatible, and the chemistry is one sided. 

Do you blame yourself (in any way) or the marriage for his affair?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I believe sexual attraction is something that is either there or it is not.


This. 

It would hurt to come to realize that the person you're married to isn't attracted to you (anymore) but it's better to accept that and make a decision based on that truth, than continuing to go through MC, and try to change the person, IMO.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> You have some basic incompatibility issues.
> 
> *He's LD (at least within the confines of your marriage) and you are HD
> *He's not as adventurous either because he's not that into you or because he is just simply not adventurous
> ...


Everything that you've mentioned I am aware. This is extremely disconcerting and I find myself at a loss as to how to proceed. I know myself enough to know that I don't want a relationship where the desire is lacking. If I do say I love him, do I accept him for where he's at in the marriage and remain or cut my losses and move on? We just celebrated 20 years of marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> Everything that you've mentioned I am aware. This is extremely disconcerting and I find myself at a loss as to how to proceed. I know myself enough to know that I don't want a relationship where the desire is lacking. If I do say I love him, do I accept him for where he's at in the marriage and remain or cut my losses and move on? We just celebrated 20 years of marriage.


I guess it all boils down to what kind of life you want. Do you want the next 20 years with this man in a marriage exactly like or similar to the one you have now or do you want a single life with the possibility of meeting a man that is compatible with you on all levels? Leaving is a gamble, but staying guarantees little or no change if he is just not into you and/or just not into sex on a regular basis.

You say you just celebrated 20 years. Was that a true celebration? Were you thinking "Wow! 20 years. I couldn't imagine being happier! Here's to the next 20!"?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I just think for the amount of mental and physical effort you're putting into your marriage, you're not really getting that much out of it. It seems from the threads I've read here about HD/LD...some HD people are quick to put the label of LD on their spouses, because it's probably better than telling themselves they just aren't compatible, sexually. That happens. You both just might not be sexually compatible, and the chemistry is one sided.
> 
> Do you blame yourself (in any way) or the marriage for his affair?


When I first found out, I did blame myself because there had to be this major disconnect that I had no clue. In retrospect, my woman intuition was going crazy but I chose to ignore it. I did what most betrayed spouse do in so far as weight loss, change of hair, clothes, etc. as if I had to compete for his attention. I had to have a eye opening self discussion and realize that I'm not to blame as I have been faithful, caring and giving in the relationship but if his desires lie elsewhere why remain. That is what I'm having a hard time figuring out and I have talked to him calmly about walking away as I am not a vindictive person I wouldn't hold anything against him as I'm honest enough to realize that people change and their needs change and I have brought this to him again and again only for him to reassure me that is not what he wants but there is definitely a disconnect from his words and his actions.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

maritalloneliness said:


> My post seems to indicate that I am this wilting wallflower who has no self worth or at least lack in self esteem. Let me make myself perfectly clear regarding this issue, I am not. The affair happened and there is nothing that I can do regarding that but to accept it. I chose to stay not because I didn't have other choices or that I do not recognize my self worth. My decision to stay as I stated is multifaceted meaning I had to weigh a lot of issues that I was not satisfied with in the relationship. Is our relationship in need of work? Of course it is and I in no shape or form accepts any responsibility for his affair. I sought IC to gain perspective as to how to forgive him and deal with the pain that his affair caused me.
> 
> If anything this affair caused me to realize that I am an individual who recognize that love doesn't solve everything and that it takes constant work. I have set boundaries in the relationship and have set rules of transparency to work on the trust factor which will probably never be resolved not that I expect it to be. Anyone who has ever been betrayed so elementally know that forgiveness and trust is a daily choice. I have no issues with being alone or facing my life alone if we decide that things are not working out in the marriage. I have also made myself perfectly clear that although I have forgiven this indiscretion does not mean that I will tolerate lies or another affair.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your clarification, your sharing helps us understand where you, well, stand... :smile2:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

maritalloneliness said:


> When I first found out, I did blame myself because there had to be this major disconnect that I had no clue. In retrospect, my woman intuition was going crazy but I chose to ignore it. I did what most betrayed spouse do in so far as weight loss, change of hair, clothes, etc. as if I had to compete for his attention. I had to have a eye opening self discussion and realize that I'm not to blame as I have been faithful, caring and giving in the relationship but if his desires lie elsewhere why remain. That is what I'm having a hard time figuring out and I have talked to him calmly about walking away as I am not a vindictive person I wouldn't hold anything against him as I'm honest enough to realize that people change and their needs change and I have brought this to him again and again only for him to reassure me that is not what he wants but there is definitely a disconnect from his words and his actions.


What he should realize though is that this is becoming the focus of your marriage. I'm sure you have fun times, etc but not feeling like your SO is attracted to you, has to weigh on you after a while. Especially since an affair happened. Maybe you should stop initiating, and if he initiates...then, go from there. Not in a game playing way of course, but if he NEVER EVER initiates, then that might help you make a different decision. You're not roommates, you're married. And in healthy relationships, people have sex...they want to have sex. He might love you, but just not be attracted to you in a sexual way. You sound like you've put some thought into this, I'm sorry you're hurting. 

(This is why I feel cheating is a dealbreaker, though. lol I'd be able to forgive, but not forget.  Just wouldn't want to live like that...so many men won't cheat on you, and will desire you for you. You don't need to feel bad about yourself, over what ONE guy thinks. Just something to think about.)


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

maritalloneliness said:


> What am I to do? *I care but he doesn't seems to.*
> Is there a pill that decreases libido in women?


 @maritalloneliness

I'll give you some advice as best I can, but take it with a grain of salt as my personal situation is not exactly the same as yours. 

You say you care but he does not! I've learned very quickly in life that in order to have any power over a situation, that it always ends up with the person that cares the least (or at least seems to). This is why when somali pirates take a super tanker hostage, that the insurance company hires an unbiased arbitrator to help save the ship along with the crew. Why would the insurance company not be able to do this? Why would the families of the kidnap victims be able to help? It is simply because they care and that is exactly what the pirates are hoping to take advantage of by playing on their emotions. An arbitrator can simply look at the mechanics of the situation solely from what the pirates stand to gain or loose from the situation. The arbitrator can make a larger than agreed payment in good faith to the wrong person and a day in advance to create distrust among fellow pirates, because the one collecting the funds will have claimed the amount was going to be smaller and arrive later to the group he is working with. Family members meanwhile are completely blind to this because they are so overwhelmed with emotions of potentially loosing loved ones. Then guess what the arbitrator's next move is? He fails to make the next payment for the purpose creating even more distrust among the group of pirates, because now the pirates believe the situation is a sure thing and now think one of their own stole the next payment. This puts the pirates in a situation where they doubt themselves and because they want money they begin to be the ones to show acts of good faith. The arbitrator can now gain full control because the pirates have become too emotional over the money they think they are getting.

...OK so back to you husband. It is not that he does not care, it is that he has learned how to have full control over the two of you by not caring about something which you care about a lot and can easily become emotional about. He can now use this control as a way to keep you closer to him. But he fails to see he is doing this out of his own lack of self esteem, and in turn it is eroding your self esteem as well.

You mentioned you take care of things on your own, and it is indeed important to be able to love yourself when those around you are struggling. You have to continue down this path until you are able to reach out to your husband from a place of calm and self confidence instead of one of need and anxiety. You need to reach out to your husband from a place where you no longer care about your needs because you can handle those on your on, and reach out to him from a place where you want to care for his needs and can better sense and feel what those are. Suddenly your husband will loose his control over you, and his anxieties will surface and show themselves so that you can help him. He is probably afraid of loosing you, and he probably feels like he does not deserve to feel the joy of you loving him because of things that have happened in the past. Once you begin to see these things, you can work with him and begin feeling closer.

Think of hugging a baby to help calm it down and make it feel good. If you as a parent are anxious and need for the baby to be calm and enjoy hugging you, then the baby will sense your anxiety and you two will be in for a very rough hug. Now imagine seeing the baby crying, but giving it a big hug that is unconditional, calm, and one that serves no needs of your own, but instead to help the baby calm down. Odds are that is the hug that will make the baby feel better. Not one in which you desire to hug the baby, but one in which you recognize the baby's needs to be calmed. ...

Badsanta


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> I've read a lot about the HD/LD relationship here on TAM and I guess that is what I have. Let me just say that our past includes infidelity on his part almost 5 years ago. So if he could cheat is he really LD. In actuality, we had more sex while the affair was going on then we do now which is one of the reasons why I hadn't known that he was cheating. Looking back on that time , I'm guessing that my body was probably a substitute for her which would explain the frequency. Am I right in this thinking? Of course, he denies this.


probably more about the novelty, and selfishness of attention.
its not that "you're a substitute" its that his body gets drenched with mating/love hormones that makes him feel alive and stimulated. Snaps him out of the routine he lets himself fall in.
Possibly, he could be "in love" with a fantasy (eg fantasy character, or celebrity image), could be he just gets "down" from worldly stuff, could be there's domestic stuff that upsets him.


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## Forever Frustrated (Apr 11, 2013)

He is racked with guilt, and most likely not aware of it. You need to make it very clear to him that you forgive him and want to have a sexual bond with him. Once his mind is more at ease he'll probably respond better, if not, then a serious discussion about compatibility is needed


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Time is all we have. It was hard to decide to mention the affair as I didn't want that to be the focus which it ended up being. Sexual incompatibility does occur a lot of marriages and as far as I've decided to stay in the marriage, I just wanted to know if there's anything that I can do to tame my body's craving for sex. At this point, I don't think it's the physical release that I'm seeking as much as the intimate connection.

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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> Time is all we have. It was hard to decide to mention the affair as I didn't want that to be the focus which it ended up being. Sexual incompatibility does occur a lot of marriages and as far as I've decided to stay in the marriage, I just wanted to know if there's anything that I can do to tame my body's craving for sex. At this point, I don't think it's the physical release that I'm seeking as much as the intimate connection.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


 we had it at some point. This sucks. Obviously, I can't control him. I'm brave enough to admit this to a bunch of strangers that we've lost that connection but not brave enough to let go.



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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

maritalloneliness said:


> In actuality, we had more sex while the affair was going on then we do now which is one of the reasons why I hadn't known that he was cheating. Looking back on that time , I'm guessing that my body was probably a substitute for her which would explain the frequency. Am I right in this thinking? Of course, he denies this.


That's actually pretty common. Some believe the cheater has more sex at home to keep the betrayed spouse from being suspicious because their very active sex life is *so* fulfilling that they couldn't imagine their spouse needing to go outside the marriage. And you said that worked for *you* because you believed that too - and it was during your husband's affair. Then there are others who believe that the overall heightened sexuality the cheater is experiencing in the affair causes them to be more sexual at home because their sex drive has been recharged.



> He is racked with guilt, and most likely not aware of it. You need to make it very clear to him that you forgive him and want to have a sexual bond with him. Once his mind is more at ease he'll probably respond better...


Highly, *highly* doubtful.



> I have been rejected so often that I've learned to wait on him which I think he makes me wait on purpose because he had mentioned that he knows that I won't refuse him. I keep up on the physical appearance aspects as I exercise regularly and I'm 5 ft 1 in and weigh 120 lbs but I'm at a lost. I even had his testosterone levels tested. If I am to infer from his nonverbal ques, it would mean that he's lost his desire for me .


I hate to say it, but this would appear to be your problem. After so many years, there's not a whole lot that's new, different, or exciting. Some people are very fortunate and they keep their passion for each other until the day they die. But I think they're more the exception than the rule. I honestly don't know any couples married for many years who are still 'hot' for each other. I honestly don't.

But I do have to say that when sex is just too readily available, it's a turnoff for some men.

Years ago my brother married a nympho (she was sex crazed!) and it was available to him night and day. He though he'd died and had gone to pig heaven.

For a couple of years anyway.

But as is the case with any good thing, after a while, the thrill wears off. And for him, the thrill wore off. He actually started avoiding coming home straight from work because he knew she might be waiting there hoping to jump his bones the second he walked through the door. After a couple of years, it was very common to hear her complaining about how my brother was such a 'deadbeat' and didn't want to fool around with her anymore.

Your husband sounds like my brother. :frown2:


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's actually pretty common. Some believe the cheater has more sex at home to keep the betrayed spouse from being suspicious because their very active sex life is *so* fulfilling that they couldn't imagine their spouse needing to go outside the marriage. And you said that worked for *you* because you believed that too - and it was during your husband's affair. Then there are others who believe that the overall heightened sexuality the cheater is experiencing in the affair causes them to be more sexual at home because their sex drive has been recharged.
> 
> 
> Highly, *highly* doubtful.
> ...


That is why I wanted to find out if there's a way to decrease my drive. I actually want to just stop altogether but I don't know what to call it maybe withdrawal symptoms. What I have noticed is that my body gets used to release and when I don't have "it" I feel moody, agitated and desperate. This can't be healthy. So like a drug addiction I feel too needy and my husband dishes it out at such a low frequency that it's more of an irritant. I'm going to make a Dr appointment. I wasn't always like this. It's gotten to the point that I'm entertaining seeking fulfillment outside the marriage but I know that is going against my moral code. Sometimes I feel like I need to sit on an ice block. Sorry, don't mean to be too graphic.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> That is why I wanted to find out if there's a way to decrease my drive. I actually want to just stop altogether but I don't know what to call it maybe withdrawal symptoms. What I have noticed is that my body gets used to release and when I don't have "it" I feel moody, agitated and desperate. This can't be healthy. So like a drug addiction I feel too needy and my husband dishes it out at such a low frequency that it's more of an irritant. I'm going to make a Dr appointment. I wasn't always like this. It's gotten to the point that I'm entertaining seeking fulfillment outside the marriage but I know that is going against my moral code. Sometimes I feel like I need to sit on an ice block. Sorry, don't mean to be too graphic.


There is nothing unhealthy about being physically aroused and desiring sex. It's normal. You, like a LOT of us, get grumpy and agitated when you go too long without sex. It's also fairly normal for sexually frustrated people to think about getting their needs met outside the marriage in moments of desperation even if they would never in a million years do anything.

You, dear, are perfectly normal. The problem isn't you. It's that you're in a marriage with someone incompatible with you in some key areas, one of them being sexually.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Explore leaving. You do not have to go through with it. But good to know where you stand financially. Good to know whether your jurisdiction has waiting periods or required period of separation before permitting divorce. Good to know the rules so you don't accidentally restart the clock on the waiting period.

After you educate yourself and get your financial affairs in order, you might try some "drive by" honesty with him. For example, one night you might say to him "did you know our state makes you live separately for a year before allowing divorce? I find it so strange that we have no fault divorce but require a waiting period." Another day you mention "did you know that our state grants permanent alimony once you have been married for 20 years? I find it reassuring that I would be financially protected if we ever got divorced." Eventually he will clue in and ask why you are researching divorce law. Then you can start a conversation and tell him how you feel. However that is. Maybe you say the lack of sex hurts you so much you are considering divorce. Maybe you say that you read in Cosmo that couples who only have sex once a week or less are 37% more likely to get divorced, and you wanted to know your rights. You can make it seem as imminent or remote as you prefer. But the idea is to get him wondering whether you are going to leave over the lack of sex. Then see if he "ups his game".


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

He initiated last night, '

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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I w as going to see the doctor about prescribing some type of antidepressant which side effects is decrease in libidno but will see.

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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

maritalloneliness said:


> I w as going to see the doctor about prescribing some type of antidepressant which side effects is decrease in libido but will see.


Be careful. Many SSRI anti-depressants that reduce libido also make it almost impossible to reach orgasm. So when you are horny, you can't get yourself off. VERY frustrating.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> Be careful. Many SSRI anti-depressants that reduce libido also make it almost impossible to reach orgasm. So when you are horny, you can't get yourself off. VERY frustrating.


Thanks for the info. Don't know if I want to be a martyr for his pleasure, when he wants me that is.

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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

maritalloneliness said:


> Is there a pill that decreases libido in women?


I'm a guy and bought chasteberry for this purpose. When the package arrived, I took it a few times and stopped. It was time to change partners, not my own nature.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

maritalloneliness said:


> The sex issue is puzzling to me because of his passive/ aggressive way he is choosing to deal with it. If it is a lack of desire from his point of view, I wished he could communicate it in a better way as to not just ignore it which I feel that he is doing. The fact that I can voice this and he doesn't just leaves me to guess at his nonverbal cues which is extremely frustrating. Hopefully, this is something that we can work on in our MC.


 @turnera wrote this in another post:


> My sense is that he feels if he is honest with you, you will fight back. In other words, it's not safe to be honest with you. He has to protect himself from you.
> 
> My other sense is that most men don't want to be married if it's too much work, and if they just can't have fun being married. I'm sensing that being married to you is just too hard, too hard to find any happiness in it. Especially when you go to therapy to learn how to be good to each other, and you then choose NOT to be good to him. He probably figures why bother any more?


The above post is one of my favorites. 
..................................................................................................................................................

He initiated?

Maybe he knows you post here. He read your lines.

And as a result he felt exposed, vulnerable and ready for action!


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