# He isn't what I deserve but I can't let go



## tanisha6667 (Nov 27, 2015)

My husband and I have only been married for a little over a year and just yesterday after a fight that we had, he decided to move into his mothers place and doesn't want to be married anymore. I don't know what to do because part of me doesn't want to be with him but then another part of me wants to be with him. 

A little of our background: In 2013, I had been with my fiancee for 3 years and we decided that we wanted to try to have kids. My fiancee was unable to have children because of a very low almost non-existent sperm count. He wanted me to put an ad on Craigslist so that we could try to get pregnant without having to go through all of the waiting with IVF and etc. So reluctantly I put an ad on Craigslist about wanting someone to help me get pregnant and of course, I got a lot of responses. After weeding out some of the ones that we just perverted, I found someone that was taking this seriously. His name was James, he wanted to help me get pregnant because he knew how draining and hard that it could be to conceive. We talked for three weeks and then my fiancee decided that it was time for me to try to get pregnant because of an ovulation test that I took. I met up with James, we had sex and then after I left his apartment, he told me that he never wanted to see me again and that this whole thing made him uncomfortable. I totally understood where he was coming from since this was something that I had never done before and that I would never do again. 

Three months went by and my fiancee and I decided to part ways. James messaged me saying that he wanted to take me on a date, which I agreed to. He stood me up three times before we actually went on our date (I should have taken that as a sign right then and there) and then we finally were able to go on a date. After the date, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. At the time I was being a live in nanny for my twin sister and we decided that we wanted to live together. I moved in with him and his mother (not ideal!) and we were happy. A few months into our relationship, he was keeping in contact with all of his ex girlfriends and ex flings, which made me very uneasy since they would message all the time. After telling him that it made me uncomfortable, he deleted them from his life. He only did this after two months of me telling him how it made me feel and he didn't do it with a very good attitude. His mother and his sister made it pretty clear to me that they didn't want me to be with him and that they liked his last girlfriend more than me (his last girlfriend was engaged and pregnant and James and her were having an affair) which was devastating to hear after having grown close to them. In December, after dating for four months his mother and sister started a fight with him and then they brought me into the fight. I stuck up for myself and James went into the bed room and never stuck up for me at all. He has blamed me ever since for them not talking anymore even though he actually started the fight that caused us to move out. 

Fast forward until Valentines Day of 2014: We got engaged that day and it was very romantic, nothing over the top but it was special to me. He only had five minutes to propose because he is a chef and had to get to work shortly after. I didn't care because it was a great day. 

January 2015: James had been using my computer to do some homework for his Bachelors Degree and left his email open. I don't know why but I had this feeling that something would be in his email. I checked his email and he had a conversation with a girl about meeting up for sex before his shift the week after we had gotten engaged. I was livid! We had now been married for 5 months and we had committed to some financial obligations together at this point! When I asked him about the conversation, he said that he had found this girl on craigslist and that he wanted to have sex with her because we had gotten into a disagreement and he was horny. He also said that they never actually met up because on his way to go have sex with her, he felt bad. I left and went to my sisters apartment for three days because I couldn't even look at him. He had just flipped my world upside down. After a few days, I decided to fight for my marriage because as a Christian, divorce isn't supposed to be an option. I laid out some ground rules for him and he accepted the fact that he would no longer have my trust. When we started dating I told him that porn isn't something that I am okay with since my ex fiancee has used me and used porn as an excuse. He had accepted this and told me he would never watch porn again because of my strong feelings about it. 


May 2015: I went home on my lunch break and pulled up youtube so that I could watch an episode of House Hunters International. The second I pulled up youtube, porn was all over the screen. I took a picture of it and sent it to James, who adamantly denied ever watching porn on youtube saying that "that would be so dumb of me to do, someone must have hacked into my account". (not a very good liar) He then deleted all of the history on youtube and then called me a dumb b and said that my insecurity is the problem. I made him leave for three days before once again, deciding to fight for my marriage. 

A lot of other things had happened at this point and it would be too long to explain.... Two days ago James and I had gotten into a fight because he thought it was selfish of me to thank him for cleaning the apartment and then ask him to pick up his socks. He told me that I was inconsiderate and that he had worked all day and came home to clean. I then proceeded to tell him that I do appreciate what he does but that I was just asking him to work on picking his socks up. When I talk, I sometimes talk for a long time and bring up past things that he has done to hurt me as a defense mechanism. This was one of those times and he told me that my talks make him not want to be with me. I told him, fine then don't be with me and I gave him my wedding ring and told him that he couldn't drive my car anymore if he was going to be like that. The next day at work I told him that if he was going to have this attitude about me not appreciating him then I would find somewhere else to stay because I wasn't going to stay in the bedroom all day again like I had the day before. He told me that he was going to move in with him mother because then he could walk to work. I was crushed! I told him that we would still need to split all of the bills until our lease is up in January and he said okay. (among other things) 

Today: He messaged my sister and told her that he would miss her and the nephews and to have a good Thanksgiving. He never texted me anything of the sort and deleted me from Facebook and then blocked me. I told him that I don't appreciate that I have always been there for him when no one else was and then he brought up an incident where I threatened to call the cops on him because of a time where he choked me and punched two holes into the wall right beside my face. I told him that if that's the only thing that he says back after being there for him while he was trying to get custody of his daughter, he got charged with indecent exposure and the multitude of times that he has hurt me on purpose and then acted like he didn't know he couldn't do them, that I was fine with getting a divorce. 

That was two hours ago and I haven't heard anything back, I don't know what to do because I want him in my life but I don't at the same time. Does anyone know what I should do? My family keeps telling me to pray but all I want to do is drink and drown my sorrows. 


Thanks in advance, by the way I should probably mention that he is 28 and i am 23.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

End it! It started crazy, end it crazy fast.


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Sometimes what we want is bad for us, it sounds like your better away from this


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

He's a prick.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Favorite part is you want to fight for the marriage cause you are a Christian but meeting a stranger at his apartment to get you pregnant does not sound very Christian to me.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

richie33 said:


> Favorite part is you want to fight for the marriage cause you are a Christian but meeting a stranger at his apartment to get you pregnant does not sound very Christian to me.


I've been hesitant to say anything, but the way you guys started is just weird. Weird. It's no wonder you and your ex-fiance broke up; you were willing to sleep with another man to have a kid. Weird. WEIRD. 

Is it possible you just don't want to be alone? That MIGHT be the best thing for you, since you could spend your time figuring yourself out and what you want. You had a fiance who wanted a kid with you and was willing to let you sleep with someone else (putting an ad on Craigslist, REALLY? What kind of "quality" person did you think you were going to attract?), and now a husband who sleeps around and watches porn and punches the wall barely missing your head. His p!ssy little argument over the cleaning and the socks just smacks of him wanting out. It makes no sense to me that he would have wanted to marry you unless he perceived there was something in it for him and then boom, 5 months later, he got what he wanted or isn't getting what he expected or is having to deal with more than whatever that is that he wants is worth. 

Yes, you're right, you DO deserve better, but you won't get it until you figure out what makes you attracted to guys like this.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

You shouldn't stay with someone that has no problem abusing you, even emotionally. He got caught cheating and now he is trying to blame you for it. He got caught watching porn on YouTube, and what does he do? Punishes you for it. That's not fair. If he walked out on you and blocked you from Facebook and is not having contact with you at all you could file abandonment. If he doesn't get back to you within a week or so I would file abandonment along with the divorce. I really do not think you should stay with someone like that but if you really feel like you need to try again to work it out with him then go seek counseling with or without him and take it one day at a time. Document everything in the process. Here is a good resource about divorce online if you want to read it and look it over. (not spamming it's just been helpful for me). Free Divorce Information and FAQ's. Do It Yourself Divorce Papers and Forms.


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## tanisha6667 (Nov 27, 2015)

richie33 said:


> Favorite part is you want to fight for the marriage cause you are a Christian but meeting a stranger at his apartment to get you pregnant does not sound very Christian to me.



I know that it doesn't sound very christian like but at the time, I was just trying to do what I thought was right hence why I said that I would never do it again.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My lady you are only 23 years old. Run from this stupid man. (sorry)

Remember this-if a man loves you he will never share you or ask you for threesome or stuff like that.
I know I would never do that to my girlfriend.

People are so blind,they see some articles over internet and they want to live in that fantasy.

Also good husband will never hit you. This is not 18century. 

This should be a life lesson for you. Try and learn something from it. From both of your relationships with ex-fiance and man you called "husband"

Dont let anyone to use you like that.

If you have some money go back to school. I think it is not expensive for you guys over there.

Best of luck to you.


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## tanisha6667 (Nov 27, 2015)

Be smart said:


> My lady you are only 23 years old. Run from this stupid man. (sorry)
> 
> Remember this-if a man loves you he will never share you or ask you for threesome or stuff like that.
> I know I would never do that to my girlfriend.
> ...




Thanks for the advice! I think that it is just so hard to swallow the fact that this is happening all over again. I have to look at myself and then decide what I want from there since my husband is still a no show.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

tanisha6667 said:


> Thanks for the advice! I think that it is just so hard to swallow the fact that this is happening all over again. I have to look at myself and then decide what I want from there since my husband is still a no show.


You do that, I mean look after yourself,but serve him with D papers.

I cant see any reason why would you stay with him :/ 

You are young,you are woman so you are beautiful by nature. You can find a lot better man then these two you had.

I am not into relegion but if it helps you find some new friends there.
Go to walks,gym and stuff like that because I can see your self esteem is so low.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

tanisha6667 said:


> I know that it doesn't sound very christian like but at the time, I was just trying to do what I thought was right hence why I said that I would never do it again.


Sweetie, this is the red flag. You say you were trying to do what you THOUGHT was right. You KNEW it didn't sound right to you at the time. You KNEW it didn't FEEL right, but you did it anyway. What is that you want SO much that you'll violate your own internal compass, whether Christian or not (you don't have to be a Christian to have an internal moral compass). Did you do it because your fiance wanted a child, and it was cheaper than in vitro or some other fertility assistance.

For years I've told many of the students I advise and my own nieces and nephews that often in life, there were times I didn't know what the right thing was to do. But the only times I got in trouble was when I didn't listen to my intuition when it told me NOOOO!!!! My intuition might not give me a good reason why it was a no, like a job offer or a relocation, but in the end, when I didn't listen, things didn't work out and I wasted time. 

You're left with the consequences. Your h may have married you for the benefits of being married, financial and otherwise. You're the one left with the fallout from doing something, taking extreme measures, to get your fiance, and possibly yourself, what you wanted.

Sometimes being a Christian means doing the right thing, or not doing the wrong or questionable thing, even if means foregoing something you or someone you love desperately want(s). 

You could consider getting out of this marriage in good conscience; there's adultery, there's abuse, and really, its origins are questionable. Or you could wait for him to file, which might never happen. 

I'll say it again, figure out who you are and what feels right to you and you may be able to avoid situations like this and make better choices in the future. 

Good luck!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This can't be real. You had sex with a stranger you met from Craigslist? Somehow you broke up with your fiance and end up with Craigslist guy and now you find out he's not all you thought he would be but you don't want to divorce him because it's not Christian? 

You're only 23? What about your parents? Have you talk to your Pastor for guidance?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Are you real? Had sex to have a baby through Craigslist, sanctioned by fiancee? You were not married and had a baby with a stranger, hooked up with the stranger, and married the stranger. If you are for real, what did you expect from a man who trolls for sex via Craigslist?


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## tanisha6667 (Nov 27, 2015)

jsmart said:


> This can't be real. You had sex with a stranger you met from Craigslist? Somehow you broke up with your fiance and end up with Craigslist guy and now you find out he's not all you thought he would be but you don't want to divorce him because it's not Christian?
> 
> You're only 23? What about your parents? Have you talk to your Pastor for guidance?


Unfortunately this is real and the reason I broke up with my fiancee was because he beat the crap out of me and was sleeping with my best friend. So it wasn't something that I planned to happen. My pastor said that divorce is the last resort and that we should try counseling. and yes I am only 23.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Did you tell your pastor how you came to be with this man? I find it hard to believe you'll stay with this person for religious reasons but were ok with 
having sex with a stranger.

Did your former fiance suggest you go have sex with a stranger from Craigslist or was that your idea that you planted in his head. It sounds like he was angry that you actually went through with it and became abusive as a coping mechanism. So you went from one loser to another. 

Some counseling may help. What you've done is not normal and you need to find out what's broken in you that allowed you to perform such an act. This can turn into a life defining event.

You will never find a good man as long as you're with your Craiglist husband. If this "man" wants to live with his mother then you have no choice but to move on. I recommend that you work on being confident enough to be by yourself because you're displaying some serious co-dependency.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This all sounds too bizarre to be true tbh!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

tanisha6667 said:


> Unfortunately this is real and the reason I broke up with my fiancee was because he beat the crap out of me and was sleeping with my best friend. So it wasn't something that I planned to happen. My pastor said that divorce is the last resort and that we should try counseling. and yes I am only 23.


Your pastor is a flaming AZZHOLE and if this is the kind of advice he is offering you would be better off worshiping Satan. I never cease to be amazed by people who allow themselves to be trapped by religion.


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