# Fantasizing about being single



## googoodoll (Mar 6, 2016)

Hi, 

I came and registered here because I googled the exact title of this thread, and found an old thread about the same topic. Since it was so old and I still wanted to talk about this, I'm starting this new thread.

Today, I had a long talk with my husband. It was very good and felt cleansing to get a lot of stuff out of the way that we apparently had been bottling up. Anyhow, one of the things that came to the table was that I essentially fantasize about being single, every now and then. He was shocked and hurt to hear this. He says the thought has never occurred to him, and he fears my fantasies about this because to him, it shows that I want to break up and be alone for real, deep down.

I've had this fantasy for many years and to me, it doesn't mean what he thinks it means. It just means that sometimes, I long for a life in which I don't need to explain everything I do or think, don't have to account for everything, make my own choices, do my own stuff. Just being free to do whatever - not even necessarily date other men, that's not at the top of my list, although I won't deny that it is a fantasy I have every now and then. Well, not exactly dating them. More like flirting with them and kissing, that sort of stuff. But again, that's not the most important thing. It's mostly just the bliss of being alone and only responsible for my own whims.

What do you think? Is it a shock to you like it is to my husband, or do you have the same kind of fantasy?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Not shocking at all. I have the same fantasy. Only mines is with a bed with fluffy white sheets and pillows. That smells of lavender. I can eat and cook when I want, which will be never. No laundry or picking up after anyone. I can watch any tv show. Read at any time. Listen to my music as loud as I want, when I want. When I put something down, it will be still there a week after.

But I will miss my husband in the winter, he is a furnace. No bony hugs from the son. The smells of my daughter when she is around.

But a nice white bed is such a lovely dream.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Do you have children?

I don't really think this is that shocking at all. I'm divorced and honestly love the freedom it brings. There are definite drawbacks, however. The grass is not necessarily greener on either side of the fence. Just different.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

When I was married, I had those fantasy's as well. 
A year and half out and I have to say I am loving being single, so much so that I don't even want to date. But in my late 20's and early 30's I didn't like being single at all. I agree with @SecondTime'Round, there are drawbacks...I wouldn't be too worried about having the fantasy. That's all it is, a Fantasy.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

It isn't shocking at all even though it would be shocking to my husband if I told him that I fantasize about being loved in a way that I want; about feeling safe and secure; about being held tight and about feeling like I belong.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Nah, it's not strange. I was going to say it's just not a guy thing.... but I don't believe that really.

With my ex, (and my 5 children's growing up years) I had my escape fantasies. 

In my mind, my escape was a chair. LOL.... a blue chair. Thinking about it now, its comical but I understand it more. It wasn't a specific chair. It might be a big, comfy, overstuffed chair by a sunny window for reading. Or a wooden Adirondack chair on a dock...listening to the water. Or a nice comfy lounge chair by a pool.... 

I see now that it was about being alone, all by myself (LOL There was NEVER another chair in the picture), about being comfortable and taking down time for me. 

Nothing wrong with little mental escapes.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

How would you have felt if instead, your husband had responded with "Whew, I thought I was the only one who felt like that...getting away from you and the responsibilities of being married, only having to take care of myself."


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Maybe it's worth investigating whether you are codependent and are presently emerging from the codependency? It's perfectly healthy to want to be autonomous and in a relationship, in fact it's preferable for many, yet so few can achieve it unless they are aware of healthy boundaries. We aren't really taught these kinds of things from parents or peers, so we usually learn them by trial/error.

I was codependent in my last marriage. My current is anything but. The difference is that I matured in-between to be able to discern the difference and want a healthier kind of partnership. 

Just a thought.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think it is pretty normal to fantasize.

You don't desire to be single. Big difference.

Have you been able to communicate the difference between fantasy and a real desire to be single to your H?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
I expect its a very common fantasy. Whatever life you choose, you are always giving some things up in return for others. It seems completely normal to fantasize about having all the things that you have lost (while of course not imagining losing those that you have).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

When my kids were younger, I used to have the fantasy of having my own apartment. I had my own couch and TV, my own fridge with whatever food I felt like eating. I did not have to be an example to anyone. I could just be myself. 

I think your fantasy is totally normal. Try to reassure your husband. 

You may want to reflect on what you are missing and how you could get those needs met in your relationship, though, if possible. I don't think these thoughts occur to us for no reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Most men are very high on the Quality Time love language. If you haven't yet, you should read the book "5 Love Languages".

I am such a man. For me, my fantasies would be about doing something with my wife. The kids were great, but I needed and wanted to do things alone with my wife. It would be great to just go camping alone with her. Or spend a week alone with her skiing, like we used to do before kids. Sure when a 4 year old is banging on the bathroom door I would be irritated and think how nice it would be to have some alone time. But the fantasy life for me would not be to be single and dating other women.

If my wife had told me what you told her husband, that would go 100% against my Love Language. We humans project our belief systems onto other people, so I would assume someone who wanted to be away from me didn't love me.

The other thing is if you told him you fantasized about being single and dating other men, you hit an evolutionary brain wiring thing in him. Men don't share their women. It goes back to evolution. I want my dna to be promoted, and I don't want to waste my limited resources raising, feeding, and protecting other men's children. Which is why men tend to dump a gf or wife who cheats. His reproduction is threatened. He may never process it consciously this way, but emotionally this is what is going on.

Note that you saying you fantasize about being single and dating other men is very different than saying you sometimes feel lust for other men without any desire to follow through or leave your husband. There's a big difference there. We all experience seeing someone attractive once in a while and having fleeting fantasies without it reflecting on our feelings for our spouse.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thor said:


> The other thing is if you told him you fantasized about being single and dating other men, you hit an evolutionary brain wiring thing in him. Men don't share their women. It goes back to evolution. I want my dna to be promoted, and I don't want to waste my limited resources raising, feeding, and protecting other men's children. Which is why men tend to dump a gf or wife who cheats. His reproduction is threatened. He may never process it consciously this way, but emotionally this is what is going on.


Dr. NerdLove says this thinking only goes back 10,000 years, to when agriculture started and the idea of private property, including women and children as property, began. He says before that humans lived in tribes and polyamory was common.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

X


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> *Dr. NerdLove* says this thinking only goes back 10,000 years, to when agriculture started and the idea of private property, including women and children as property, began. He says before that humans lived in tribes and polyamory was common.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry, but his name alone automatically disqualifies his opinion. Sounds like he stayed at a Holiday Inn....


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Your husband can probably understand to a degree. I would speculate that him being upset probably stems from what he is hearing not what you are saying.

You are saying that you fantasize about being single, to you that means freedom, no pressure to meet other people obligations, no responsibilities, etc... and I'm sure that at time we all feel this longing.

but what is your husband hearing when you say this? She doesn't want me, she doesn't want to be part of my life, she doesn't want our relationship, etc...

And I'm sure hearing this from my spouse would upset me a lot.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I'm sorry, but his name alone automatically disqualifies his opinion. Sounds like he stayed at a Holiday Inn....


Take a look:

The Toxic Alpha Male
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> I have fantasized about being single many times, but I don't *wish* to be single, that's for sure. I'm very happy. I think it's when you just can't seem to find time to do anything that *you* want to do (everyone else's needs are taking priority for whatever reason) that those thoughts creep into your mind. Or at least that's what happens to me. I'd never tell my husband because I know it would hurt him. I know it would hurt me if he said the same to me because I'd be wondering if there was more to it than simple frustration with temporary circumstances.


Same as you, and I am sure my wife has had the same thoughts. Funny enough, knowing this, I don't think either of us would want to tell the other this. The key though is not wishing to be single, or wishing you were single so you could run around with a boy toy (what would be the female equivalent, hoochie mama???). It really just comes down to getting away from all your responsibilities, even if just for a brief moment.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> Take a look:
> 
> The Toxic Alpha Male
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That link only further helped strengthen my case lol :grin2:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> That link only further helped strengthen my case lol :grin2:


Ellis. Read the whole article, please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> Ellis. Read the whole article, please.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did skim through . Anything in particular I should be looking for, I was just looking to have some fun with his name but you kinda killed that lol :grin2:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I did skim through . Anything in particular I should be looking for, I was just looking to have some fun with his name but you kinda killed that lol :grin2:


This seems like a t/j. I just thought it addressed an assertion made earlier.

OP, again, please know your feelings are normal. Reassure your husband that you do not really want to leave him. That should set him at ease.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

In the darkest days, I felt that a lot. your original post points out some specific stressors that need addressing. This specifically "I long for a life in which I don't need to explain everything I do or think, don't have to account for everything, make my own choices, do my own stuff." Your husband needs to see this and think about what he is doing that causes this feeling, he also needs to think about what he could do to increase your sense of freedom. I see over questioning, and over controlling, possibly in a male attempt to fix something. 

On a lighter side last night I had to search out my bottle of mustard again. The 3 women in my life are conspiring to move it every 30 minutes so that no matter where I put it I will not be able to find it if I want a sandwich. So instead of being single I now fantasize about having my own refrigerator. Which I actually already have, but it doesn't have a lock, security guard, electric fence and attack dogs. (rant rant rant)


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> On a lighter side last night I had to search out my bottle of mustard again. The 3 women in my life are conspiring to move it every 30 minutes so that no matter where I put it I will not be able to find it if I want a sandwich. So instead of being single I now fantasize about having my own refrigerator. Which I actually already have, but it doesn't have a lock, security guard, electric fence and attack dogs. (rant rant rant)


Lol...that's just too funny. I can relate. The men in my life are always using (and not putting back) my tweezers...lol..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is one of those loaded questions that is best kept close to your mammary glands. I do not blame your husband for feeling....insecure....hurt and incredulous. There is nothing wrong or [odd] with thinking this. Men and women think this [often], do not doubt this. 

These thoughts probably occur most often after marital squabbles or when you are alone and......horny. 

Hearing this from a loved one would make most people think WTF[rench]. 

If my SO uttered this, I would get suspicious. Eh!

Think it, do not speak it, do not act on it!

This stems from wanting to be polyamorous in a monogamous world.

You downplayed the physical part, I know better, lady. Its OK.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In my previous marriage, I would fantasize about being single - it wasn't a good marriage. I finally turned my lovely fantasy into a reality - and soon after got into another long term relationship. Now, I don't fantasize about being single, as I am very happily married. I have thought about what I'd have to do if I were single again (she's had several serious illnesses that could have resulted in death, so this wasn't idle speculation), all the while hoping I never have to face that problem. Now, the idea of being single is a nightmare, not a fantasy - even though we have an open (and sometimes polyamorous) relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jld said:


> Take a look:
> 
> The Toxic Alpha Male
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think he is partially right and very wrong on many other areas.

He states some false information as facts. He is just as bad as those he is trying to discount with just as much of an agenda based on hoaky facts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Everyone has had fantasy now and then and the best thing is to keep it in your own head. Might not seem like much to you but it might not settle well with your spouse.

What you just did was take the wind right out of your husbands sails and put him on the path of doubt for many moons. Now he's going to be looking over his shoulders waiting for the other shoe to drop. He may believe that you still love him and don't want to leave but you planted the seed of doubt in his head. 

Sometimes you need to sit back and think before you speak. It could affect someone elses life and you can't put the genie back in the bottle.

Think for a minuet if you were in his shoes and see how it would bother you and I promise you that it would.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jld said:


> Take a look:
> 
> The Toxic Alpha Male
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My rebuttal wouldn't make sense to you, but it will to men. There is something _visceral_ that a man feels when he finds out his woman had sex with another man. This isn't about ownership, like someone stole something personal of mine. It isn't anger, it isn't jealousy. It isn't possessiveness. It is a repulsion. If someone scrapes my car I don't revile my car now. If someone steals my favorite guitar and I get it back, I am not repulsed by that guitar.

Whether this is 10,000 years of genetic programming or something going back further does not matter. It most certainly is not learned as we grow up. This is hardwired.

The good nerd doc isn't hitting on all cylinders in that article.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Fantasies are so individualized that I doubt anyone here knows enough about you to definitively say your feelings are healthy or unhealthy. 

I am of the thought an occasional fantasy isn't harmful. However a persistent long lasting fantasy may signal something is of importance to us. Those feelings should probably be examined if you're concerned.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

At least you don't fantasize about watching bondage game shows!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Thor said:


> My rebuttal wouldn't make sense to you, but it will to men. There is something _visceral_ that a man feels when he finds out his woman had sex with another man. This isn't about ownership, like someone stole something personal of mine. It isn't anger, it isn't jealousy. It isn't possessiveness. It is a repulsion. If someone scrapes my car I don't revile my car now. If someone steals my favorite guitar and I get it back, I am not repulsed by that guitar.
> 
> Whether this is 10,000 years of genetic programming or something going back further does not matter. It most certainly is not learned as we grow up. This is hardwired.
> 
> The good nerd doc isn't hitting on all cylinders in that article.


FWIW, at least some women have the same *visceral* reaction to their husband cheating. As in "do not ever touch me again, you now repulse me" visceral.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

interesting thread. 
Yes, I've fantasized a lot about it but mostly because then having trust in another person who has betrayed me would NOT BE MY PROBLEM ANYMORE! And I need a ****ing rest from that please. 
anyway, hubby and I had such a monumental breakdown about a month ago (we've since quasi recovered) that I just said to myself "that is ****ing it" and driving down the street I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted from my shoulders. I felt 20 lbs. (officially 210 lbs) lighter thinking that. It scared the ever loving hell out of me. Did I really WANT that? Is it that much of a burden to stay married? And he's a really really good husband (does the chores, super hunky, etc) I mean, other than the obvious alien invasion of his head 4 years ago (and occasional pop ins from time to time). 
Jeez. 
Yes, and I know exactly who I'd date (no, I haven't pictured him naked!) and it would never work out unless he was medicated and I was desperate but still. 
There is a wishin'


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

googoodoll said:


> What do you think? Is it a shock to you like it is to my husband, or do you have the same kind of fantasy?


It was discussed as part of an unbottling of issues between you. That doesn't sound like it has the lighthearted tone of 'sometimes I fantasize about ....laying in a hammock on an island undisturbed and alone....' Tone and body language play a part in the communication. 

I agree with jld that fantasy is normal, reassure your husband while reflecting on what you may need in your relationship and perhaps even how he may help with that for your marriage.

Do you have any time to yourself, pursue interests, hobbies, meet with friends, do things on a whim?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I had shared my day-dream of having a big hotel bed all to myself... where there's no snoring...no noisy passing traffic (where we lived at the time), simply the stillness of the room, the soft crinkle sound of fluffy pillows and the shuffle of crisp white bed covers. It came about with work that I was put up in a luxurious hotel alone. My husband laughed, told me to enjoy it. The bathroom was massive, all marble, speakers in the bathroom, classical music playing. I took a long soak in the bath. Comfy hotel robe. The bed was comfortable. And, the room was _'oh so quiet'... it was oh so still. I was all alone and so peaceful until... zing boom, wow bam!_ ...I spent the rest of the evening chatting to my husband on the phone, wishing he was there with me. Now we live somewhere quiet and that day-dream has dissipated. 

Perhaps fantasy is just a day-dream. Sometimes it's deserving of scratching beneath the surface to discover if there's something you need. When I was about 20, we were driving to work together and I suggested we just keep driving - to the airport; be irresponsible, a spontaneous trip! My husband was the voice of reason. We went to work and kept our jobs. But then with savings behind us, personal belongings in storage, back-packs at the ready... we did indeed travel. It was the unplanned plan. It would feel stifling to me however if that vagabond spirit wasn't at times encouraged and accepted by my husband.


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