# S/O afriad of phone.... ????



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

I slept awful last night. Its happened a few times before...a pit in my stomach that wont go away. Here's how it got there...

(First though, the details of the story are less important than how and what is happening, this is just the most recent example)...

Last night about 9-ish S/O shoots me a txt msg: "hi, how was your day...". We banter back and forth for 10 minutes or so. Nothing unusual . Just killing time, having an exchange since we cant see each other until tomorrow night (which is today, tonight).

Then, she says... "Jane* cut her knee, needs 8 stitches"

Now, I think I know who "Jane" is...a friend of her daughters....but not really sure...(Jane is 11 y/o friend of SO's daughter, btw).

I said something about that being sad...you know kids got hurt...etc. and go onto talk about what we were taling about.

SO says "Rhonda and I are looking after her", her parents are out of town.

So I ask back... "Where are you, Jane's place or (your) home?
SO: "home"

ME: I thought yo were watching Jane?

SO: Her parents are home. 

ME: I though you said the were out of town.

SO: They are out of town tomorrow afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Ronda and I are taking tuns watching her while her parents are away.


Now, I've left out a lot to cut to it. Took about 40 minutes to get this information across. Once again, I start to see a pattern, one I know you cant see because I'm abbreviating a situation. Here's the deal

In a roundabout , backwards way, I have just been "told" that SO is going to be busy and not able to get together Saturday night as we had planned. I've had to piece the information together from statements and indirect date references, and as I do I can feel the pit in my stomach starting, the disappointment setting in. I'm realizing through what I can "reverese engineering" that watching the the friends kids is going to have to happen Saturday night, when the parents are out of town. But, once again SO doesnt bother to tell me straight out. It dawns on me whats happening and I then txt her... "Ahhh, I see, I get it." and then right after.. "I get it"

This was about 9:40pm.


WHat followed next was absolute insanity. As I tried to clarify what I just figured out - I started to get all kinds of push back... thinkgs Like "I would think you'd understand..." referring to having two kids of my own....

I see the txts are following a line of opinion that couldnt be further from the truth so I said , "Im calling"....meaning using the phone. We rarely use the phone. 


She doesn't pick up. In fact I called 3 times. I gave ample notice each time that I was going to attempt calling, so that if she wa in a different room she could get to the phone. She was within 15' of it. Never picked up the phone.

I said "please" even. Several times. At one point she said "Phone is unplugged"... basically so I wouldnt ask anymore.

So, I was getting worked up...now not over the original issue of have to reverse engineer the original issue, but now that she wouldnt...was refusing to pick up the phone. I told her that we could have cleared this entire miscommunication up by 9:45 has she just picked up the phone. I explained how I felt... and on and on it went.

Her txt message package ran out at 12:07AM, and she said to wrap up shed have to hope on Facebook messenger.

All this time I'm puling what little hair I have out...all because she wouldnt pick up the phone.

Now, the situation with the little girl who cut herself badly is terrible, and I'm a dad too, and compassionate. I'm not taking anything away from that unfortunate situation. That isnt even this issue,although there were a couple times when SO tried to make it one. At no time was that ever the issue.

SO said (and has said before many times) "I'm better in person" and "I hate phones", to which I responded "This needs some clarity right away, not the next time we are able to get together... whether thats tomorrow or 5 days from now. This needs addressing right away...

I am dumbfounded but her outright refusal to pick up the phone. She even said that "she was ok with talking about it next time we got together.... that she was OK"...and "  "

She tried a couple times switching the conversation to "neighbours are having a bonfire", and " its starting to rain"

I told her that what was happening at the neighbours wasnt really a concern to me at the moment, and I also told her I had the same weather app.

Later, after 12:30 she said something about dragging this issue out. I told her again that it wouldnt have been dragged out if she just had picked up the phone....

I woke up shortly before 5AM, uncomfortable and not well rested. Pit in my stomach still there.

One of the may lofty things we discussed when we stated dating 18 months ago was how important communication is, honesty, trust respect. Somewhere the wheels came of this communication bus. And, its not my doing. She may say she's ok, but I most certainly was, and am not.

SO at some point said its looking about 50/50 whether shes going to come over here tonight (becuse its dependant on whether the you child needs to be watched in her own home or is going to be able to be moved to another friends home). THe 50/50 odds aren't really making me feel any better...What I'm supposed to get all excited about the possibility of seeing her, only to be dashed again?

I even said to her..."where is this love you profess"... I was referring to the adamant stance she was taking against answering phone. (She tells me she hates the phone..I told her I've seen her use it quite effectively on many occasions. She said to that "yes, but not under duress"

To me, the whole conversation from the get-go at 9PM was a game...a challenge for her. I called her out asked her why she was playing games... her answer was "I'm not....." and then she went on to address another point and we never got back to it.

I'm feeling disappointed over the original backing out of our date, but I would have been better with it, even understanding of it if she had just come straight out and said what the deal was, instead of making me figure it out. I HATE that. And, I have told her this before....actually this isnt the first time I've had to reverse engineer a message.

In fact at one point just around 9:40 last nice She said to me " You get it that tomorrow is Saturday, or do you get it -referring to something else?" She KNEW what she was doing.

Man, am I steamed right now. I cant begin to explain it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I hate talking on the phone, too, but for something like that.....well, it's really ridiculous to not pick up the phone. Childish.

I don't understand why your SO got dragged into watching this girl. Are the parents going out of town suddenly? Was she always lined up to help watch her, and she just told you last night? (Her cutting her knee, then has zero to do with this)

Have you reacted badly before to not being able to see her as planned/on kid free nights? She seems to be afraid of breaking bad news to you. (Not excusing her)


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I know lots of people do not like talking on the phone and would prefer to text. I can understand that, but I would think the exception would be my boyfriend especially if I didn't see him everyday. But you seem OK with that for the most part.

I also would need to know a bit more about why she committed to watching this kid when she knew it was going to interfere with seeing you. If I were you I'd take it as a sign that you might not be very high priority. 

In any case it has obviously upset you a great deal and she still couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone, that is just insensitive and rude.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Your post hit the nail on the head, had many points that nailed it.


SecondTime'Round said:


> I hate talking on the phone, too, but for something like that.....well, it's really ridiculous to not pick up the phone.* Childish.


I couldnt agree more, that its childish. I'm not a big phone persone either, but there are times....



> I don't understand why your SO got dragged into watching this girl.* Are the parents going out of town suddenly?*


 I dont know the answer to that, except that she is a friend of her daughters, the parents are leaving town for a wedding today...so I am told.


> Was she always lined up to help watch her, and she just told you last night?* (Her cutting her knee, then has zero to do with this)


No, I dont believe so.



> Have you reacted badly before to not being able to see her as planned/on kid free nights?* She seems to be afraid of breaking bad news to you.* (Not excusing her)


Reacted badly? Hardly. i dont generally react badly, although... she has done this before...not directly told me something and left me to backwards engineer it. I dont know if I mentioned that, but I have mentioned this to her. Either she didnt heard me, didnt understand, didntt heed it, or just doesnt care

She said she doesnt like drama, and I for one am all for that. But, its my opinion that shes creating the drama...and she said during the 3 hours of txting that there is too much stuff that is serious, she doesnt need there to be more, and she likes to keep it "light".

I found it offensive that she wouldnt pick up the phone, as if the truth was there and she didnt want to hear it. She even said she didnt want to pick up the phone to get "berated". I have never berated her. Ever. Not even discussion on that topic. Actually I dont think I've berated anyone.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> I found it offensive that she wouldnt pick up the phone, as if the truth was there and she didnt want to hear it. She even said she didnt want to pick up the phone to get "berated". *I have never berated her. Ever.* Not even discussion on that topic. Actually I dont think I've berated anyone.


Maybe someone in a prior relationship did. Maybe she's projecting how she was treated by someone else on to you, expecting you to act the same way?

I still do not get why she has to watch this girl tonight, unless that was the plan all along. Going away for a wedding is not a last minute trip, obviously, so either she knew all along she was going to have this girl overnight, or she's only jumping in now because of the injury, which still is not making much sense to me. I know this is not the issue, and the issue is the communication style/backwards engineering.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

It sounds to me like your SO is afraid of conflict and saying "no". Directly. If she gives you some roundabout reasons and suggestions instead - perhaps she doesn't have to be the bad guy and just come out let you down. Maybe to her, it feels that way it's the circumstances and of course not her that caused the disappointment of a canceled date or other promise. What's more is that she might (erroneously) think she is being a good communicator and being honest by hinting nine different ways until Sunday that she might not be available Saturday instead of coming out and saying it directly. 

I would not have much patience for that either. I do understand that some people hate talking on the telephone but I think common decency and maturity would warrant a call. She should have called you but since you were calling her, answered the phone. Not doing so is silly and rude. It does however, further my suspicion that your SO is conflict avoidant. (An oxymoron though because her avoidance is creating more conflict). 

I think it's also possible that sometimes people prefer to text or email because they can edit themselves better than in an on-the-spot conversation. Sometimes that's useful, for instance when conversations can get heated and acrimonious. However sometimes being able to edit yourself leads to dishonesty. There's a lot more power given to subtext with the written word.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

What are her parents like? Is one of them hot-tempered or overbearing and overreacts to situations?


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> I know lots of people do not like talking on the phone and would prefer to text. I can understand that, but I would think the exception would be my boyfriend especially if I didn't see him everyday. But you seem OK with that for the most part.


Im not sure what I seem ok with... Im not so sure I am. 

Whats funny is she vacillates on the txt thing... she has said both that she prefers it, and that its a joke (her exact words).



> I also would need to know a bit more about why she committed to watching this kid when she knew it was going to interfere with seeing you. If I were you I'd take it as a sign that you might not be very high priority.


 The kids is a good friend of her one older 11 y/o daughter, and I think they live in the same neighbourhood. Other than that, no idea. She said (and this is her txt) "so sorry I offered to help a friend in an urgent position"... that was at 10:18pm if it matters. She then went on to say "I really dont feel like defending my actions to you"....im surprised you dont understand the idea...(of helping out I guess)"



> In any case it has obviously upset you a great deal and she still couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone, that is just insensitive and rude.


Yes, it did, and I'm still upset, and a bit snippy Im afraid

She later went on to say that "she" was "ok", that "she had nothing to clear up...". But the problem is, she was jumping to conclusions about me, and THAT DID...and still does need clearing up.

She also said my reaction was "typical". She doesnt notice what the reaction is to... she is equally typical. Yes, I get annoyed for having to reverse engineer something, I guess thats typical, but she "typically" doesnt tell me things in a direct manner. THAT would change everything.... If she had just said... " Hey honey, somethings come up and I'm not sure about tomorrow night - one of my daughters friends cut herself badly and might need adult supervision...". I can totally - as a parent myself - understand that. And would insist she help.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> What are her parents like? Is one of them hot-tempered or overbearing and overreacts to situations?


Nah, I wouldnt say that...


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> It sounds to me like your SO is afraid of conflict and saying "no". Directly. If she gives you some roundabout reasons and suggestions instead - perhaps she doesn't have to be the bad guy and just come out let you down. Maybe to her, it feels that way it's the circumstances and of course not her that caused the disappointment of a canceled date or other promise. What's more is that she might (erroneously) think she is being a good communicator and being honest by hinting nine different ways until Sunday that she might not be available Saturday instead of coming out and saying it directly.


BINGO! Im glad someone else sees it, I thought _I_ was losing it for thinking so...


> I would not have much patience for that either. I do understand that some people hate talking on the telephone but I think common decency and maturity would warrant a call. She should have called you but since you were calling her, answered the phone. Not doing so is silly and rude. It does however, further my suspicion that your SO is conflict avoidant. (An oxymoron though because her avoidance is creating more conflict).


Yes, it is....The sole reason Im posting today is because she couldnt come straight out and just tell me. Im more annoyed with the process than I am with the issue of breaking our date. But, I've become conditioned to that too... she's pulled this stunt on more than one occasion...and she always DOESNT let me know in the same manner...I have to figure it out. So much so that I get anxious every 2nd Saturday at 5PM in anticipation of her bailing out on me again...



> I think it's also possible that sometimes people prefer to text or email because they can edit themselves better than in an on-the-spot conversation. Sometimes that's useful, for instance when conversations can get heated and acrimonious. However sometimes being able to edit yourself leads to dishonesty. There's a lot more power given to subtext with the written word.


i dont know what the aversion to phone is. I know mine stems from the fact I worked in a call center...the last thing I wanna do in this life is use a phone again. She seems fine using it to talk to her parents, her friends... just not me last night. She actually told me that if she picked up Id be the only one doing the talking because she said everything via txt, and that wasnt gonna change because the phone was being used.

She has on several occasions... when Ive asked her why she doesnt txt me "fluffy stuff" (which shes doing more now BTW)...shes said txting is a joke. Funny, she relies on it for "heavy" stuff. But she alwasy professes shes "better in person". The last time we needed a talk and I went over to her house after about 10 minutes she leaned in to kiss me... I shut her down telling her that I wasnt there for that. We'll see what happens today...what side of the coin I land on... whether she gets kid sitting duty or me-sitting duty.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This is one of those situations where texting is not sufficient. She may think she said all she had to say but if she truly cared about your feelings she would have picked up the phone. She is being childish and insensitive towards you.

I would just not engage in these roundabout texting scenarios. If you need clarification that can't be reached in two questions, I would call. If she refuses to answer, I would take that as a clear sign that you and your feelings aren't important to her.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> This is one of those situations where texting is not sufficient. She may think she said all she had to say but if she truly cared about your feelings she would have picked up the phone. She is being childish and insensitive towards you.


I kinda thought so too, but I also thought my opinion was biased, being on the receiving end of the insensitivity. See, and thats something else that is really weird. When we're together she tells me all that gushy stuff. I have no question about what her feelings are. We have to be apart for a few days, and she is kidless... I get none of the sensitivity that I've come to expect. I would almost say I get taken for granted, wouldnt you agree?



> I would just not engage in these roundabout texting scenarios. If you need clarification that can't be reached in two questions, I would call. If she refuses to answer, I would take that as a clear sign that you and your feelings aren't important to her.


Thanks for the honesty. That means a lot to me. 

Well apparently she filled her texting plan back up, as she just texted me. No good morning (our usual), just" phone filled up ", and an hour later "Baby Moose", I guess shes telling me she saw one...

She said that she doesnt say she misses me in "so many words", but the fact she texts me the random things is her way of saying shes missing me.... 

I dunno Im kinda thinking that if she doesnt address me, or a relevant situation, Im just not gonna answer. This is she claims that she doesnt hang on the next message, and so she may (probably) not notice. Ive done that before, and Im always the one who caves. I guess when I see her next... I'll have to be firm and lay it out there? I dont want to tell her NOT to txt me, because I enjoy hearing from her, but I dont necissarily enjoy the same banter when there are unresolved issues. I get the feeling the crap is getting glossed over or brushed under the rug. But if she is Conflict Avoidant, then she'd welcome this.... :-\


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Sounds to me like your SO can't even get her story straight while texting you.....makes one wonder if she was even home to answer the phone!!!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yes, it sounds like SO is conflict avoidant.

Avoid a father/daughter relationship with her...don't make it your job to guilt/teach/persuade her to be more responsible with her commmunication. 

Instead, show yourself respect and show her respect by being adult about it. You do that by being direct about what you expect and not try to drop guilt bombs to stir a response that you hope to get from her...that rarely works and will only make it worse. 

Just let her know that you expect a call if plans such as this get changed...you are a grown man and can deal with it. 

BUT if she is having trouble saying no to friends and avoiding you because she knew she backed out of an arranged time together, then that means she has an integrity issue, cares too much what people think about her, and now gave you the short end of the stick by not being 100% upfront about what is going on. What is worse is that she wants to rugsweep the whole thing by playing nice-nice until it is water under the bridge. This is exactly what conflict avoidants do.

Let her know that even though she may be used to handle her friendships and relationships that way...it will eventually cause a large amount of damage. You aren't being demanding about being #1, but you do expect common courtesy. What will her integrity be like when she can't say no to a smooth operator who wants to get in her pants? Will she NOT be able to say no to him too?


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Tobyboy said:


> Sounds to me like your SO can't even get her story straight while texting you.....makes one wonder if she was even home to answer the phone!!!


I hear what you're saying there, but her Wifi connection is a dead giveaway to her location. That tech degree comes in handy from time to time...


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I don't know what you should do in this situation...but that type of communication is a deal breaker for me. It's deliberaly obtuse, and reeks of manipulation. Maybe that's not the case...I don't know. 

But I get that the issue isn't that she cancelled for a legitimate reason, which is disappointing but not a crisis. Instead it seems that what your frustration is, that she 1) not only didn't cancel but instead left it to you to figure out, and 2) She then wouldn't actually talk to you about it. By keeping it on text she has some control over you.

Like I said, deal breaker for me.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> Yes, it sounds like SO is conflict avoidant.
> 
> Avoid a father/daughter relationship with her...don't make it your job to guilt/teach/persuade her to be more responsible with her commmunication.
> 
> ...


A lot of what you describe sounds like I could make it fit. However, she is a very strong and determined person, which seems to be contrary to the C/A profile or traits...


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

BlueWoman said:


> But I get that the issue isn't that she cancelled for a legitimate reason, which is disappointing but not a crisis. Instead it seems that what your frustration is, that she 1) not only didn't cancel but instead left it to you to figure out, and 2) She then wouldn't actually talk to you about it. By keeping it on text she has some control over you.


That's right, it isn't that she cancelled, but how.

And, no matter how much I tried to focus back on the "method", she didnt hear it. seemed to be more concerned with helping a friend than realizing the damage she's doing...Maybe she doesn't see the method because then shes the one at fault, whereas the other way its just me.

What really got my skin crawling was her comment that " Im ok, and ok waiting to talk about this until the next time were together..."......


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

I don't like talking on the phone either. I hate to call people for business or my personal business.

But calling my SO or getting a call from them? ha! I would be on that in a Second! We used to talk for 3 hour stretches on the phone.


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> That's right, it isn't that she cancelled, but how.


Exactly.

Next time, you could "play dumb" and just not get the hint or reverse engineering. You could just show up at the appointed time/place/date.

Or just have a frank talk with her that you can appreciate that sometimes s#it happens and plans have to be changed, but that you'd prefer she was an adult about it and didn't hint around.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Bob Davis said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Next time, you could "play dumb" and just not get the hint or reverse engineering. You could just show up at the appointed time/place/date.
> 
> Or just have a frank talk with her that you can appreciate that sometimes s#it happens and plans have to be changed, but that you'd prefer she was an adult about it and didn't hint around.


I've played dumb...when this happened before. I know what youre thinking, didnt work...it always happens when shes supposed to be enroute here, to my place...

Option number 2 though...the frank talk. Gonna happen. Actually, it did. And, things were good... I guess because the last couple times shes come over as she said she would.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> What really got my skin crawling was her comment that " Im ok, and ok waiting to talk about this until the next time were together..."......


Yeah, I agree. Did she ask if YOU are ok? 

How often do you guys see each other (or, have time to see each other)?


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yeah, I agree. Did she ask if YOU are ok?
> 
> How often do you guys see each other (or, have time to see each other)?



i go over to her house Monday and except for work and if she's out with kids I;m there every night until the following monday. It great, and foreshadowing things to come. She's all lovely-dovey and "You're the love of my life". All of that.

My kids come to my place from the next tuesday to the following monday and we dont see each other while we both have our kids..schedules etc. Form thursday on though she has no kids, but seems the only day she can make time to come up to my place is saturday, since nobody has to get up early and we can all sleep in.

Confused? 

Well, what she said was "Nobody asked how the other was feeling at all...". And she's right. I got too caught up in trying to keep up with the txts, and get a foothold into a live phone conversation. I wasnt worried about how she felt since everything was great by her own admission... shes always great....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yes, confused!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> I've played dumb...when this happened before. I know what youre thinking, didnt work...it always happens when shes supposed to be enroute here, to my place...
> 
> Option number 2 though...the frank talk. Gonna happen. Actually, it did. And, things were good... I guess because the last couple times shes come over as she said she would.


So this is a pattern? And you've talked to her before about this? 

Time to do a pros and cons list. Because this isn't changing. She's going to continue doing that for the rest of your relationship. 

You better figure out if you can live with it.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

BlueWoman said:


> So this is a pattern? And you've talked to her before about this?


SHe's done it before...where I've had to backwards engineer the facts to realize what she was trying to do/tell me.... I spoke to her about it, but only once. I remeber after discussing it I couldnt be sure if I was 100% clear about it, it had been better, but the damage is done...ever 2nd saturday I leave work feeling reluctant, not anticipatory...reluctant about whether shes gonna show or not.

I'm guessing from her silence since noon, she's not goona make an appearance tonight. Yet again I have to read the situation and guess whats going on. It just doesnt impact me, it affects the schedule with my kids... meals what we do in the evening...do I wait for her or... ??? So, I have good reason for wanting to know whats going on... 



> Time to do a pros and cons list. Because this isn't changing. She's going to continue doing that for the rest of your relationship.
> 
> You better figure out if you can live with it.


DUnno what this is..


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> SHe's done it before...where I've had to backwards engineer the facts to realize what she was trying to do/tell me.... I spoke to her about it, but only once. I remeber after discussing it I couldnt be sure if I was 100% clear about it, it had been better, but the damage is done...ever 2nd saturday I leave work feeling reluctant, not anticipatory...reluctant about whether shes gonna show or not.
> 
> I'm guessing from her silence since noon, she's not goona make an appearance tonight. Yet again I have to read the situation and guess whats going on. It just doesnt impact me, it affects the schedule with my kids... meals what we do in the evening...do I wait for her or... ??? So, I have good reason for wanting to know whats going on...
> 
> ...


Pros and cons....make a list of the pros and cons of being in a relationship with this woman.

So, do you have your kids tonight?


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Pros and cons....make a list of the pros and cons of being in a relationship with this woman.


 Ah, just as it sounds.. got it


> So, do you have your kids tonight?


Yes, had them since Tuesday 4PM and until Monday at 8am.

FWIW, she just txted and asked if I wanted her company tonight... Game On... I guess


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> I hear what you're saying there, but her Wifi connection is a dead giveaway to her location. That tech degree comes in handy from time to time...


 She did change her story during the conversation, so I thought that I would point out that the WI-FI connection would tell you where she was, but not who she was with. Also, I am not saying that this is the case, but if she got on the phone, she might have feared that you would ask to say hello to her friend or to Jane, and if they were not there that would cause issues; or worse yet you might have heard a male voice in the background. Refusing to pick up the phone when she knows that you are calling, just does not make sense. Many on this site have learned that when it does not make sense, it is because you do not know the real story.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What she apparently wants is a relationship only on HER terms. Didn't you post earlier this year about her often not taking the opportunity to see you when she didn't have her kids? Sounds like she's not as invested in the relationship as you are. 

If you want a casual relationship, she's probably the one for you. If not, then she probably isn't.


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