# Pointing Fingers



## llahti (May 4, 2016)

I need help on how to survive a marriage when the wife keeps pointing fingers..... Keeps blaming me for everything and not hardly owning up to her own wrongs. 

I can say that I love my wife more than anything, when things are good they are the greatest but the least little thing can set it off into days and days of absolute nightmares. No understanding what so ever. 

I need a one on one person that would be willing to listen and help me figure out a way to save my marriage.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Start with you reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Then buy the 5 love languages book and tell you wife you both need to read it, take the quiz at back You will need to be firm in dealing with any resistance she may give you. Tell her how you feel and that the marriage needs maintenance.


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

FrazzledSad...

I am going to try those for sure, it seems that being firm with her gets me nothing but a very nasty attitude though. I am willing to try anything to try to save the marriage, 

I honestly thing that she has played the ALPHA way to long and she cuts me out to keep me from getting to close, this has been going on for 2 years now though.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

llahti said:


> FrazzledSad...
> 
> I am going to try those for sure, it seems that being firm with her gets me nothing but a very nasty attitude though. I am willing to try anything to try to save the marriage,
> 
> I honestly thing that she has played the ALPHA way to long and she cuts me out to keep me from getting to close, this has been going on for 2 years now though.


Is she doing what the author talks about in this blog?

Does the Way You Avoid Sex Add to the Emotional Disconnection? - The Forgiven Wife


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

llahti said:


> FrazzledSad...
> 
> I am going to try those for sure, it seems that being firm with her gets me nothing but a very nasty attitude though. I am willing to try anything to try to save the marriage,
> 
> I honestly thing that she has played the ALPHA way to long and she cuts me out to keep me from getting to close, this has been going on for 2 years now though.


What are the issues.. some examples of what is happening??

In comparing personalities.. I am more "alpha" over my husband.. he's pretty laid back, on the passive side. I am more "take charge", assertive sort of thing.. but we're a team... often opposites do attract like this and it can work very well.. but always.. there needs to be "RESPECT" ..... 

Does your wife RESPECT YOU.. if not.. why?? 

Does she hold resentment - could be over anything.. could be something from the past she never let go? 

How many years married ? Is some of this "attitude" PMS related, is she more argumentative, grouchy, attitude stricken certain times of the month?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Is she doing what the author talks about in this blog?
> 
> Does the Way You Avoid Sex Add to the Emotional Disconnection? - The Forgiven Wife


Wow, that is a moving article. There is a lot of truth in that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

llahti said:


> FrazzledSad...
> 
> I am going to try those for sure, it seems that being firm with her gets me nothing but a very nasty attitude though.


So what? 

Men who appease their wives to keep the wives from getting angry only end up with wives who are even MORE angry. Women WANT strong men, men who can let them scream (occasionally) and ignore it. Men who know what they want and deserve and don't accept anything left. That's what the book NMMNG will teach you.


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What are the issues.. some examples of what is happening??
> She is more alpha than I am for sure, she does things like does not let me finnish a sentence. Always blames me, Always!!!!!
> 
> In comparing personalities.. I am more "alpha" over my husband.. he's pretty laid back, on the passive side. I am more "take charge", assertive sort of thing.. but we're a team... often opposites do attract like this and it can work very well.. but always.. there needs to be "RESPECT" .....
> ...


. Yes her PMS is a big part of it for sure. when she is getting ready to start you might as well get ready because its on for sure. She got mad at me because I was unpacking from the move and said I should have left the house, I was unpacking in another room and when she woke up I said I was sorry and asked if I could turn on a tv or something so maybe that would drown out any noise I was making and she said I was being disrespectful. I am at witts end with this marriage. I am so ready to throw in the towel. I get not love, we go days sometimes a week without talking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

For heaven's sake.

STOP APOLOGIZING!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She gets snarky with you and your response is to apologise? Where did you learn that by rewarding bad behavior you would get treated any better? 

Here, maybe you could find another way. These are the resources @FrazzledSadHusband suggested. Read them! 

No More Mr Nice Guy

The 5 Love Languages

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

Best


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Pointing Feingers*



turnera said:


> For heaven's sake.
> 
> STOP APOLOGIZING!


Sorry. But he can't stop apologising.

I am the same. It drives my wife nuts, but it's so deeply ingrained in me.

I have even been known to say sorry for saying sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

llahti said:


> . Yes her PMS is a big part of it for sure. when she is getting ready to start you might as well get ready because its on for sure. She got mad at me because I was unpacking from the move and said I should have left the house, I was unpacking in another room and when she woke up I said I was sorry and asked if I could turn on a tv or something so maybe that would drown out any noise I was making and she said I was being disrespectful. I am at witts end with this marriage. I am so ready to throw in the towel. I get not love, we go days sometimes a week without talking.


I was in exactly the same boat as you and stuck it out for nearly 20 years. 

I did get to the point of throwing in the towel and it was wonderful. With the exception of my wonderful daughter I should have left in the first year, the s*** started right after we got back from honeymoon. Maybe there is a pressure spot on the ring finger that causes it. 

Shortly after we separated my stress level came down, my personality returned and so did my self esteem.

Very shortly thereafter I found someone who loves and respects me for the person I am, I didn't have to change myself I just needed to find the right person.

My daughter even commented on how much happier I am now, she had never even seen her mother and I have a meaningful kiss. Children need to see a functional relationship working, not be told that they should stay together through a dysfunctional one. 

You need to stand up to her once and say "no more" if she ignores you then so be it, give her the paperwork if she calls your bluff then follow through. The only way to oppose that sort of controlling emotional abuse is to end it or leave it, don't make idle threats and then back down.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

*Re: Pointing Feingers*



MattMatt said:


> Sorry. But he can't stop apologising.
> 
> I am the same. It drives my wife nuts, but it's so deeply ingrained in me.
> 
> ...


That's the Brit coming out!! Try as I might I can't stop, I think I apologize for things other people do before they've even done them!!

Have you seen the Twitter account @SoVeryBritish?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

llahti said:


> I need a one on one person that would be willing to listen and help me figure out a way to save my marriage.


It really makes me sad. I read this so often on TAM, when a partner wants advice on how to save a marriage. The problem is, a marriage consists of two people. One person can't do all the heavy lifting.

Sounds like your wife could use some medication for her PMS. But it also sounds like, even without the PMS, she doesn't take responsibility for her behaviors.

Stay and try to fix it. Changing your responses to her may make her change. I read a fair number of marriage books when I thought I could breathe some life back into my marriage. Did my changed behaviors change how my husband reacted? Yes, from time to time.

But in the end, he reverted to who he was. I walked.

Your life. Your choice. Give it your best shot. If you feel you have done your best and nothing changes ... leaving may be the best decision.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

This is gonna sound backwards. It did to me when I was told it on TAM.
You have to be willing to lose the marriage is order to save it.
I got to the point that dealing with the baggage my wife brought into our marriage made me ready to leave. I told her in the counselors office that we were either gonna have a actual marriage or a divorce, but I wasn't going to live the way we were anymore.

The downside, by having to make myself be OK inside whether she walked or not, part of my soul died. She can tell that I am not as easy going anymore. I call her on her crap right away.

This is what actually makes me just shake my head. She has some sisters that were/are married to @zzh0les. She always said that she wanted a husband that treated her with respect. I did for years, got crapped on. When I got to the point of walking, THEN she decided she should start treating me better.

I feel like looking at her and saying REALLY?? WTF?


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

C3156 said:


> Wow, that is a moving article. There is a lot of truth in that.


My wife seems to hold sex from me, seeing her naked like I have to have it, I am to the point right now that she can with hold all she wants because I am so freaking tired of her holding it over my head. I don't need it, I don't have to have it. what our marriage has to have is the connection the loving the caring. Without that a marriage is doomed.

I told my wife I loved her the other day and she did not say anything, I said to her again that I said I love you. and she said what just because you said it that means I have to say it, or something to that affect, and I was like damn what does it take to get a wife to show some affection. I feel so dead with her, I feel like I am nothing but a credit card sometimes.


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

Frazzeled...... Wow, it seems like we are (or have been) in the same boat.

the wife and I got into it 2 weekends ago and she went and stayed at the house we are moving from and I told her after about 4 or 5 days of not speaking or anything that I could not live this way anymore. Next thing I know she is texting me and said she will be here Friday..... She said among the emails that last day that she never felt like she wanted out of the marriage (I am assuming that she was saying that because I was saying I couldn't do it anymore). But what I cant figure out is if our marriage is that miserable that we fight like this then this is not really a marriage. 

Wednesday I woke us and was getting ready for work and she came in and got some clothes that she had gotten me to take them to the cleaners and I took a couple of other shirts and pants in to her and she asked are these clothes to take to the goodwill and then said what are these. I said "Baby these are the clothes I have been wearing this week. she came storming in the room and said see that's exactally what I am talking about. you have no respect... I asked her what she was talking about and she said I asked if those were goodwill clothes...... I said to her, I told you those were the clothes that I was wearing to work.... Today is Friday and we have not spoken one word since. 

I am so freaking lost in this marriage that I don't know what to do.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

llahti said:


> I am so freaking lost in this marriage that I don't know what to do.


You could take some of the advice you've been given. You might read the links provided, get some ideas from them and make a plan forward to something better. Or, you could continue sinking. 

Hint.... Nothing will change until you do. 

Best


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> You could take some of the advice you've been given. You might read the links provided, get some ideas from them and make a plan forward to something better. Or, you could continue sinking.
> 
> Hint.... Nothing will change until you do.
> 
> Best


I have both of the books on order now and I am trying to hold on and save whats left of this marriage. I love my wife with everything I have but I am just overwhelmed with the love lost right now.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

llahti said:


> Frazzeled...... Wow, it seems like we are (or have been) in the same boat.
> 
> the wife and I got into it 2 weekends ago and she went and stayed at the house we are moving from and I told her after about 4 or 5 days of not speaking or anything that I could not live this way anymore. Next thing I know she is texting me and said she will be here Friday..... She said among the emails that last day that she never felt like she wanted out of the marriage (I am assuming that she was saying that because I was saying I couldn't do it anymore). But what I cant figure out is if our marriage is that miserable that we fight like this then this is not really a marriage.
> 
> ...



I know from experience that your wife is acting like this because she has some deep seeded resentment towards you. Nine times out of 10 if she's going off the deep end for something trivial it's not really because of that. Your wife is viewing everything you say through the lens of her anger which in this case is caused by the fact that her truth says that you don't respect her. This may very well not be the case but that is what she believes rightly or wrongly. If I were you and if you are at the point where you still care about your marriage then I would ask her to write you a letter/email expressing her true feelings about the marriage and you as her husband. It's easier to digest and reflect on things when they are well thought out which is much more likely when they are written down as opposed to shouted out in an argument. Once you get the letter you need to figure out what you can live with and what you can't live with and the two of you can decide what to do from there.


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

niceguy28 said:


> I know from experience that your wife is acting like this because she has some deep seeded resentment towards you. Nine times out of 10 if she's going off the deep end for something trivial it's not really because of that. Your wife is viewing everything you say through the lens of her anger which in this case is caused by the fact that her truth says that you don't respect her. This may very well not be the case but that is what she believes rightly or wrongly. If I were you and if you are at the point where you still care about your marriage then I would ask her to write you a letter/email expressing her true feelings about the marriage and you as her husband. It's easier to digest and reflect on things when they are well thought out which is much more likely when they are written down as opposed to shouted out in an argument. Once you get the letter you need to figure out what you can live with and what you can't live with and the two of you can decide what to do from there.


Sounds like good advice, I will try this.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

The Forgiven Wife - Learning to Dance with Desire

Check out the articles on this site. Lots of good info on what could be going thru a woman's mind in regards to withholding sex.

The following link is what actually got my wife to say "Sorry". Something I didn't hear very often.

Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

my wife did have a bad childhood for sure, we have talked about it on occasions but I don't feel that this is the case for my situation, I feel that she whithholds as if to say she owns the KEY.... I feel that she thinks that withholding is her way of saying she owns this.....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The articles do a decent job of describing selfish or clueless or both wives and how we should magically "Forgive" them... 

I would rather use the term Forget... Instead of forgiveness, every action is but another nail in the coffin of a dead marriage. We can rationalize till we're blue in the face, but eventually it ceases to work.

No point pointing fingers if different outcomes are desired.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

llahti said:


> my wife did have a bad childhood for sure, we have talked about it on occasions but I don't feel that this is the case for my situation, I feel that she whithholds as if to say she owns the KEY.... I feel that she thinks that withholding is her way of saying she owns this.....


After you get the 5 Love Languages book, explain to her that your top one is Physical, and that you will work to meet her needs.

HOWEVER, you REFUSE to simply be her beast of burden by contributing money to the marriage, and all the other things you do,.

Change your ring tone to be the Rolling Stones "Don't wanna be your beast of burden song"

Start working out, HARD. Get AC/DC, Ozzie Osborn, whatever gets you amped up. Play it loud in your car on the way to the gym. Think about all the sh!t your wife has put you thru on the way to the gym, When you get there, take your anger out on the weight machines. Do cardio, do a Stuart Smalley routine in front of the mirror and tell yourself you are gonna be the meanest lookin Mo----F----- in your town.

Ya know why I say this, I had 2 different counselors tell me that once I had laid out to my wife what I needed from our marriage. It was up to her to work on her issues. Working out & focusing on myself would help me get thru a few months without worrying about the relationship.

Then both counselors said this 'If she doesn't want to work on her issues, you will be in better shape mentally and physically to move on and find someone new"

After I lost 40 pounds and had been working out for 6 months, my wife asked why I was working out so much. I replied, "You said you weren't attracted to me. I wanna be with someone who wants to be with me, I hope that's you"

That sounds harsh, but there was a long pause then she said "ok".

My marriage is better than it has been in a loong time.

llaht, are you a christian? I ask this because of several areas I discussed with wife.

1Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6

Also, I was ready to file once my youngest graduated HS in a couple of years. But, after prayer, God showed me I should follow his word listed here -

15 “If your brother or sister[a] sins,* go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So I went to her and laid it out.

NOTHING will change until you reach the point where you end up screaming at YOURSELF in the mirror "WTF am I still doing in this relationship??" I DID.

Your wife knows what your needs are, yet she chooses to ignore them. One caveat - make sure you are meeting her needs, find out what they are from the 5 Love Languages book. Then when you have met hers, ask her, what needs haven't I met? Don't let them be a generic answer, pin her down to specifics.

This was actually my fortune cookie today - "Do not dwell on differences with a loved one - try to compromise"

If she doesn't want to compromise then she is saying "It's my way or the highway". At that point, ya might as well top off the tank & hit the road.

I take divorce very seriously. I don't recommend it very often. But as other posters have said, if the marriage is dead, move on. 

I didn't rock the boat for as long as I did because I know of several couples where the xw made it almost impossible for the Dad to see the kids. My wife threatened me with a "You will be lucky to see them every other weekend". I'm a very stubborn person, I made sure I took my kids fishing, hunting, snowmobiling, baseball games, and pitched alot of batting practice to them. This was my choice. I loved being a dad, and "sucked it up" and lived without intimacy for long periods of time.

You need to make up your mind, cuz in the end. It will be you that lives with the outcome of your decisions, no one else.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

llahti said:


> my wife did have a bad childhood for sure, we have talked about it on occasions but I don't feel that this is the case for my situation, I feel that she whithholds as if to say she owns the KEY.... I feel that she thinks that withholding is her way of saying she owns this.....


Dude, that is what the bad childhood is all about - the issues she developed in childhood CAUSE her to 'need' to 'own the key' and such. She will never change without therapy to dig deep into her childhood.


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

OK today my wife came in and said she was sorry, after a few mins she went back down stairs and stayed there and we did not talk for the rest of the day. We stayed in separate rooms the rest of the day. after a few hours she came in the bed room and woke me up and started asking was I not going to give in so to speak....... She then walked out of the room ranting and raving saying see that's exactly why our marriage isn't going to work. Then she deleted me off of Facebook....... really 43 years old and you delete me off of Facebook as punishment.... 

Usually one of us (usually me) comes to each other and makes up but she did this time, I could/should have just said ok and went back to normal but here lately we have been fighting at least once a week and the fights last about 2 to 4 days, do the math. we get along maybe 2 days out of a week. Granted we are both stressed from just buying a house and moving and all but I am just feed up and don't feel like I can keep going, I am miserable. I love my wife, when we are getting along we have it good but those days are few and far between anymore.

I want a loving wife, I want a wife that appreciates me. I want someone that says she loves me and I don't have to beg for affection.
I am trying to hold on as much as possible but I am not even sure I can, I am not sure how much more fighting I can take.


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Start with you reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Then buy the 5 love languages book and tell you wife you both need to read it, take the quiz at back You will need to be firm in dealing with any resistance she may give you. Tell her how you feel and that the marriage needs maintenance.


Frazzled,


I received my package yesterday of the 5 Love languages and No More Mr Nice guy...... got to tell you man. the no more Mr nice guys, I am only about 5 ages in and its got me pegged about 75 % so far, right now its just giving examples and such and I am hoping it gives me some ideas on how to change.... But I had to literally put it down and come message you and tell you thank you so far because from what I can see this book seems like a good one already.

I will keep you posted on the progress as I proceed.


thanks again Frazzled!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

llahti said:


> I need help on how to survive a marriage when the wife keeps pointing fingers..... Keeps blaming me for everything and not hardly owning up to her own wrongs.
> 
> I can say that I love my wife more than anything, when things are good they are the greatest but the least little thing can set it off into days and days of absolute nightmares. No understanding what so ever.
> 
> I need a one on one person that would be willing to listen and help me figure out a way to save my marriage.


Have you tried telling her to STFU?

Politely, of course.


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