# need advice



## Chubby (Jan 8, 2013)

Hi, 

My wife and I have been married almost 8 years. She was pregnant when we got married. She was a Christian. It was rough the first year with my MIL living with us. After that we moved into a smaller place with just us and the kid. Then we had a second child. Anyhow just like any new couple we had our arguments about money ( i was the one working, she was Mom). So communication wasn't that great. And still is not, when we try to have a conversation on our relationship, she always turns the blame on me and vise-versa. So she keeps problems inside and doesn't talk about things

well, just after Christmas she went out all night with her lady friends (co-workers) bar hopping. I didnt have a problem with it till that night. I wrote her an email on how i felt. I felt alone ! We don't get out as is, by ourselves and i don't have any male friends, since we moved closer to my family to help them in their older age. She got a job first and i stayed at home caring for the kids. Any how, turns out that this email brought out how she felt. She wants a divorce,and hasn't been happy for 2 years. She was planning on leaving me after tax return!! I begged and pleaded for another chance because, I didn't want my kids to have the hardships that i had as a kid from a broken home. After another email , we seemed to work things out, i agreed to seek counseling for my "*******-ism" and want to try a marriage therapist (we tried a counselor 5 years ago , but that didn't pan out). So I have been super sweet with her, bought flowers, sent her SMS poems ... i stepped up and I'm really trying to be who she wants me to be ... I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that she is just making me feel as things are going good. She has opened a separate bank account in her name alone.Any advice?


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## Chubby (Jan 8, 2013)

Oh ... sorry ran out of room ! 

My wife is no longer in the Christian Faith and has become a "truther". She has changed alot since we got married. I love her and cant imagine a life without her. Even with the change. She is a member of a conspiracy theorist forum and I have found stuff said to other men, the topic was "who would you have sex with on the site" well the topic of masturbation came up and , someone said its more fun when you have someone do it for you. Her reply was " are you offering?" IMO not something a married woman should be saying to another man on the internet! Now appearently it was said as a joke, but it still was a jab to my heart.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

You should read The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life right away.

Joke or not...that is not appropriate of a married woman. She's distancing herself as you can see.
I noticed you didn't mention sex between the two of you at all...are you LD or HD and what about her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you still a stay at home dad (SAHD)? 

What are you doing these days to better yourself (besides trying to be who she wants you to be?)

You need to have a discussion with her to ask why it is that she was unhappy for 2 years and did not tell you? Her withholding her feelings is not honest and did not give you the chance you deserve to help fix the marriage.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

To protect yourself financially, you should remove your wife's name from any joint accounts you have with her just as she has done.

Also remove her name on any joint credit cards you have together.

Her response to people on the internet while not cheating is definitely wrong and she has positioned herself on a slippery slope.

From the outside looking in, I'd guess that's she's putting her exit plan in place


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

First of all, STOP buying her things and STOP writing her poems!!! 
That is actually making you look weak and pulling her away even more. 

Depending how long you are SAHD, you may get kids and alimony. 

I would consult a lawyer for free consultation. 

Seems she has made up her mind and checked out. What you were doing won't get her back. She won't respect you if you beg. Do the opposite and find out how to do the "180". 

And I know that you love her but she does NOT love you. That shifts the power to her. And if you continue on that path she will just see you as option Number 2.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Women don't want to be pined after - except as an ego trip. They do want to be wanted and wooed. Seriously. 

Your description reminds me of myself a lot. And, it reminds me of our early years as well. I did not know how to meet her emotional needs, nor did I have any idea how to be an interesting partner. I'm working on those two... finally. 

I would suggest you pay very close attention to the advice about 180 and manning up. First, you need to do this FOR YOURSELF. Your wife has pursued everything under the sun to make life interesting. Seriously, into conspiracy theories? What kind of immensely bored life has she had with you? 

Poems can be fun. They're what you send to a woman WHO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. It's not what you send to someone who's bored of life with you. Get yourself to the gym. Go read the books suggested earlier. And find a good, mature, MALE friend who'll give you a nudge in the right direction for finding some passion in life (not about sex, women, etc). 

The life you save will be your own.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She's planning her exit. Regardless of what happens you need to protect yourself, plan and prepare.

This isn't the time to write poems and be nice nice it's time to take back control over your life.


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## Chubby (Jan 8, 2013)

So I started reading the book! And as far as she already has a plan, well she says " hope for the best, plan for the worst" 

I also need to add, we had the best night of sex in our 8 years of marriage on NYE! We have had sex 1 or 2 times a week before and now it's every other day. I massage her, that's always nice  

But I still have the butterflies flying around my tummy, thinking it's just the same lies! That she is just comforting me until that door of opportunity opens. I don't think I'm wrong to feel this way. 

The poems are my way of expressing my love for her. I never done it before. I'm trying different ways of showing how strong I feel for her. 

Sonoma at the crossroads of do I try or not. For my kids sake, I want it to work. But I am no mind reader and to get her to open up is harder than fighting to open a jar of pickles.

I am going to pick her up from work today, and I'm going to stop on the way home to sit down and have a drink with her and express how I feel. See if I can get her to open up, it has been 8 days since we "worked" things out. But it's been an agonizing week for me emotionally!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did not answer the question.. are you still a SAHD? It's an important bit of info that is needed.


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## Chubby (Jan 8, 2013)

I have a job, its part time! And because of her hours i am the one geting the boys ready and to the bus stop everyday and if im home i pick em up and we do homework, if not my mom picks them up. So there you go... Answered 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

180. Man-up. <---- Necessary steps; read up on it and do not avoid it.

When you both have a discussion next time, make her aware that her online 'behaviour' is unacceptable. Be careful how you phrase things - try to avoid: "X, Y & Z hurt my feelings."
Instead, go for: "X shows a lack of respect for me. Y makes me doubt whether I can trust you. No trust and no respect means no marriage."

Don't be overly harsh, but you need to break this overly 'nice-guy' vibe you've been giving your wife. Seriously man, she's kinda walking all over you.

Take other posters' advice about the accounts/financial stuff. Make sure you're safe.

Don't 'beg' for her to stay with you. No one wants to be in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be in it too. Let her know that you love her and you are willing to work on your marriage if she is.

Perhaps each of you should make a list of what problem/issues you think you are having in your marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if 'communication' came up on both of yours. Discuss your lists afterwards - target the important things and work out ways that you're both going to do in order to fix them.

Good luck to you, Chubby


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

> So I have been super 1 sweet with her, 2 bought flowers, 3 sent her SMS poems ...


Don't do that.
1 - Being sweet is how guys end up in the friend zone.
2 - Friend zone.
3 - That sounds very annoying.



> She is a member of a conspiracy theorist forum and I have found stuff said to other men, the topic was "who would you have sex with on the site" well the topic of masturbation came up and , someone said its more fun when you have someone do it for you. Her reply was " are you offering?" IMO not something a married woman should be saying to another man on the internet!


Who cares? I say stuff like that all the time. On this very forum, I proposed a hypothetical situation where me (male) and the OP (male) were married. 



> Women don't want to be pined after - except as an ego trip. They do want to be wanted and wooed. Seriously.


One neat trick to get under an attractive woman's skin is to show a strong attraction to their friend. It drives them nuts. Even if they don't want you, their behavior screams "pay attention to me! I'm hotter than my stupid friend!!"
(this is not advice. hitting on your wife's friend will probably not help)




> Seriously, into conspiracy theories? What kind of immensely bored life has she had with you?


Just lack of information. Conspiracy theories make a lot of sense if certain details are unknown. One example is Oswald shooting JFK and how many shots were fired in a given time. The conspiracy people point to the difficulty of accurately shooting a bolt action rifle that quickly, and they're absolutely correct, but they conveniently forget to mention that Lee Harvey Oswald was a US marine who met the qualifications of a sharpshooter. A military sharpshooter managed to accurately fire a rifle? I'm shocked!


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Chubby said:


> So I have been super sweet with her, bought flowers, sent her SMS poems ... i stepped up and I'm really trying to be who she wants me to be ... I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that she is just making me feel as things are going good.


Hiya man,

Let me tell you something.

You are going to fail.

The only reason human beings undergo any lasting change is when they do it for themselves.

You might step it up for a week, or a month, or maybe 2 months. Then it will be back to the same old same old, after you've blown up on her about how you are doing all this for her.

Step back. Take a look at your life. Is it where you want it to be? Are you the man you want to be??

You get yourself back on the right track, you have a chance to save your marriage. If your marriage crumbles apart, you'll at least be happy.

You spend all this energy trying to save your marriage, and your marriage will still fall apart AND you'll be miserable.

Get your butt to that individual counselor and focus on YOU.


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## Chubby (Jan 8, 2013)

UPDATE :::

It has been 3 months and a lot has change!

let me tell you what happened.

We talked, she said she would give me a chance.

New years eve was great, we went out got drunk and had the best night of sex in 8 years. She was still stand offish the next day and so on. I suggested we goto counseling and she agreed. 

When we went i found out everything, how she felt and my flaws, she heard my qualms. The counselor asked if she would be willing to give it some time to see if it can be worked out, she said yes.

Three days later, i hackentosh'd my laptop, with help from my mac she used. and when i boot'd up to mac on my pc, my macbook os (updated to mountain lion) was on my laptop. Her email was logged in. the first email, was a lawyer. i looked further and found a guys name and i looked, low and behold, i found a pic she sent this guy of her nude body. I month and a half before i posted this thread. AND i found the love letters. The (explicit) Dream she had. Since January 1st, we had sex Almost every night. All the while playing with my mind ... she's dreaming of him. 

I Flipped OUT! Non Violently! And I ... Left

I now live 725 miles away, I left her the house, the car ... And 1 of the 2 boys. 

Within 3 day i had a truck, a job, a home and my kid was enrolled into school. 

I am looking for a better job, while i have the one i got. Hoping to get on with a Auto Co.. 

Just an update ... and you all was right ! And you had no idea who she is.. but you called it!:smthumbup:


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