# No idea what to do!



## owlmama (Oct 13, 2013)

Hi, I'm new to this so please forgive me if I go into too much/not enough detail. I just really need some advice and feel like I have no-one to talk to in the real world.

I have been married for 6 years, together for 9. We have two gorgeous boys aged 4 and 18 months.

I have been unhappy in this marriage for a long time now, it's hard to pinpoint where it started. I actually think that it goes right back to when our first child was born. Before having kids our life was all about having fun, travelling, partying etc. We were very much in live when we got married. I guess I had expected more from him once kids came along, I wanted him to take more responsibility for our finances and stuff like that while I was looking after our baby. But, he has been unable to do this. He relies on me to tell him what to do all the time, won't make any decisions for himself, won't look for work even though we don't have enough to pay our rent. We have our own business, but he won't put any hours in on this.

I have lost all respect for him, as he seems completely happy to live on benefits (we are in the UK) and hand-outs from family members. I thought that I was marrying a grown up but it turns out that he's like a teenage boy. There doesn't seem to be anything I can say to make him realise what he needs to do to make this mess better.

We haven't had sex since our 2nd son was conceived, well over two years ago. I have absolutely no desire to reignite this side of our relationship. Pretty much everything he does gets on my nerves.

It feels like a no brainer. But then I start to think about the kids... He is a great dad, they love him so much and he is a really important part of their lives. I can't even begin to imagine taking him away from them, which is essentially what I'll be doing if I break it off! Also, he is a really lovely person with a lot of family troubles at the moment. I really care about him and don't want to destroy his life. I just don't want to be his partner anymore.

And then there's the fear of how I will manage. I've just taken on a new job at a school which involves breakfast and after school clubs. I couldn't do this and get my son to school and pick him up. But I really need this job, as much for my confidence and making a fresh start as for the money.

I find myself completely infatuated with another man. I barely even know him, and I would never cheat, but the fact that I am longing for someone else makes me think that there's definitely no return here.

Any advice at all would be appreciated. I feel so trapped.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Forget the other man. Affairs are fantasies that do not last. Only 3% of them ever end up in long term relationship. And, if you have an affair, you being come evil, bad-person. Solve your marital issues first.

You have job now. Your husband and get your son to school and pick him up.

Divorce does not mean that your husband stops being a father to his children. It means that the two of you parent them separately. He gets them part of the time and you get them part of the time.

I don’t see anything that stands in the way of you filing for divorce.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't cheat. Whatever failings your husband has, he does not deserve such heartbreak. Tell him straight up how you feel and ask him to go to counseling. If he won't work on the marriage then divorce him. Don't cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## owlmama (Oct 13, 2013)

I would never cheat. 

The problem with counselling is that I just don't want to. I feel that it's beyond saving. 

Can counselling ever work if one partner doesn't even want to be there?


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

owlmama said:


> I would never cheat.
> 
> The problem with counselling is that I just don't want to. I feel that it's beyond saving.
> 
> Can counselling ever work if one partner doesn't even want to be there?


No. From my experience counseling will not work if you are already checked out and feel the marriage is beyond saving.

Others may disagree with me but I feel both people in the marriage have to be 100% committed to working on it. Even if you put a time limit on it. Otherwise it's most likely dead.


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