# Separated for a year, husband is in another country



## amco44 (Nov 14, 2015)

I may need someone to tell me the depression, guilt and pain will go away. Apologize if this is lengthy. I'm going through a separation, soon to be divorced. Rewind 8 years ago, husband and I started out hot and heavy. Both worked together going to school. We dated 4 years before getting married, lived together two of those. So many new beginnings with him, new house, careers, cars, pets. I became an adult, braved the real world with him in those crucial young years. About two years after we were married we were feeling the pressure to start a family. We had a savings and instead of doing just that, we decided to travel the globe for a year. I will forever regret this decision. Traveling changed my life, It was absolutely the experience of a lifetime. We volunteered in Europe, saw so many landmarks, lived on a mediterranean island before teaching English in SE Asia. It was during this time that we started having problems. SE Asia is amazing, it's alive and beautiful but it's another world from western culture. For one thing women are constantly throwing themselves at foreigners, and the foreigners, mostly men, are living a life of constant vacation. I could feel my husband pulling away the moment we arrived. We fought often, about everything, the laundry, money, what to do on a Thursday night. He started hanging out with other male teachers, started smoking and drinking like he did in college. Sometimes I questioned if there were other drugs. He stopped caring about me much at all, just seemed to check out. At the same time I wanted to get away, I didn't know this person anymore. I would go to bars on the weekends and drink too much as well. I was flirted with and it felt great to be appreciated, but never did I think I would cheat. I lost about 15 lbs and started stressing about whether I should just move home without him. This country was dangerous in ways I didn't anticipate. Then came the rumors he may be cheating. Cheating emotionally or physically, still not sure. One day we had a heated argument about something dumb and I lost it. I cheated on him one of my drunken nights at the bar, really don't even remember it, just thought if he can do this so can I. Soon after I decided I would move out and we would take a break. He didn't seem to give much thought to it, actually thought it would be a good idea if I handled things on my own. During this time we communicated everyday, still went on dates, had sex. Honestly, I thought we were doing better, until I found out he was cheating on me with hookers. I cried for days, literally had a break down and called family, they had been pressuring me to go home the past year. My husband claimed he never cheated until he heard I did. This broke my heart, I wasn't sure what to believe. Spur of the moment I decided to quit my teaching position and go home after an incident happened and decided I'd had enough of this country, I wanted to go home, this culture wasn't good for either of us, but he refused to leave. All I could think of was I want a baby someday, want to see my friends and family, but I can't do that here in this Peter Pan land of smiles. My family bought me a ticket home, it was done. I prayed, if this should work out, God, just bring him home. We slept together the last week, he held me in his arms all night before the flight, we both cried before I headed to the airport. Looking back it was handled so poorly, I don't think he thought I would leave, when I did he had made his decision. I could tell he was very upset. With one flight he was done. He continued to tell me he missed me very much but he knew we weren't good for each other. Two months after I arrived back he came home briefly to move out his things, I was states away with family and didn't have the time off or money yet to go home to meet him. He hinted he really wanted to see me and I wonder if he wanted to possibly patch things up, I'll never know. Now, 10 months later I hate myself for everything, blame him and me but can't help but think, what if I'd just stayed? He's with another girl now. Since then I've started a life in another state, started a new job and I've traveled often, but I can't get out of this period of depression. I go on dates but no one can measure up. We were best friends, this man knew me better than myself in ways. Moving on has been a slow battle and I don't really think I'll ever be the same, ever remarry. We'll probably be getting a divorce when he comes back next year. Don't know why I started a thread on this just looking for any words of wisdom, really just trying to move on. Anyone who's been there, how do you cope and does time really heal?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I have lived in Asia and remember well the unreal reception that men got. Being from a western country raised a man's sex ranking and made meeting western women's expectations unnecessary.

Your husband may be tiring of this life.

What sort of communication do you have?


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## amco44 (Nov 14, 2015)

We speak about once a month over message, just to check in on how each other are doing. I try to avoid contacting him. 

I saw the reception men were getting early on as well but never thought it would happen to us. The sex culture was a giant turn off for me and I saw the worst sides of men possible there in more ways than one. I've lost a lot of trust in people in general since then.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does he initiate contact?

If you are curious about your situation, you should stick a thermometer in.

Why not ask him: "I was thinking about filing for divorce and wondering about our lives. What happened?"

If he replies that he has regrets, you can ask him what he is going to do about it.

People change. He may be have gone down the tubes and splitting from him was the right decision.

He may be on the cusp of self improvement.

Do not believe talk and declarations. Action is what counts.

Honest discussion is also action. But it is just a step.


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