# Newlyweds without sex



## amelia13 (Jun 11, 2008)

Hello. I'm new to this group. I'm new to marriage support as a whole. But I need people to talk to. I need someone to tell me that they can relate. Or that it will be ok. 

Here's my story. It is long. I know. Please read it. Please help me. 

My husband and I have known each other since elementary school. We were the best of friends through HS and my first year of college/his first year in the Marines. Time passed, and we lost touch. He married... she cheated when he was in Iraq. I dated jerk after jerk... and got tired of it. In May of 2005, after 2 years of no contact, I found him through MySpace and learned he was in Iraq. He told me about his wife cheating... I told him about all the jerks I managed to get tangled up with. He came home, we got together, he divorced his wife, and we've been together ever since. 

We married in October of 2006 after a year long engagment, which included another 7 month long tour to Iraq. 

In April of 2007, we had our "wedding" as scheduled (had to get married earlier than expected due to him recieving orders to Okinawa, Japan), and then got on an airplane for Okinawa in May. 

We were in Okinawa, getting settled in to our first home together, getting settled into new surroundings, getting settled into a new unit... when I found out I was pregnant. 

While I was pregnant, I found him looking at pornography SEVERAL times and he promised he'd stop. He didn't. He "hid" files on the computer, which I DID find. He went to a stipclub behind my back, and lied to me about it, even after I found out. He even bought himself a lapdance. This is extremely out of character for him. All of his friends assured me this. 

Here I am, 6 months pregnant at this point, and totally devistated. I already feel fat and unattractive, and then he goes and pulls this? 

On top of that... he doesn't want to have sex with me. I figured it was because I looked like a cow, and wasn't my nice little size 5 anymore. 

Well, we had our baby in February. And things were fine... 

Until it was time to have sex again. 

It's been 4 months since our son was born, and we've only had sex twice. And in that 4 months, I flew back to the States for a month, so we had no physical contact at all for a month. You'd think that a guy would want some nookie after a month of nothing. 

Well... he DOESN'T I've been home for 2 weeks and he hasn't expressed interest in being intimate with me. 

I realize I'm still not back to my size 5. I realize I have saggy boobs now. I realize I have "service stripes of pregnancy". I KNOW I am not the same as what I was. And him not being interested in me has really made my self-esteem drop even more. 

I can't handle this anymore. 

What guy doesn't want to have sex with his wife. NONE of my friends can relate because their husbands hound them for it everynight! 

I am getting extremely depressed. I have a baby to take care of and don't have the time to pitty myself. However, I can't ignore it anymore. It hurts. I really, truly hurts. 

We decided to sign up for marriage counseling, and our first session is next Thursday. 

Any advice in the meantime?


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

wow u sound so much like me 

I think maybe u need to sit down and ask him why he would do something that would delebraetly hurt you so much , being a man some of them dont understand that after having babies and even during pregnacy a womans body changes and for some woman(like myself) find this very hard to adjust to , or maybe there is more to deal with in his life that u are awawre of.... eitherway he needs to know how much it hurt you. 

i am some what in the same sitation and i can relate to u ... i caught my husband looking at a porn site 2 days before own daughter was born... and u are right it hurts, when i was preggy with my first daughter( not with my husband) the gue i was with went to a strip club and ended up going home with one of them !!!! and i had to pick him up from her house..... but thats 4 another day lol...with him i put it down to him ajusting to the huge change that was happeneing in his life (although i did not let him off becaucse of this).


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## amelia13 (Jun 11, 2008)

Well I know that his work has been really stressful, but it is getting better, so that's not an excuse (IMO) anymore. 

I know he would never cheat on me. He's scared of STDs. LMAO. In all seriousness though, I know where he's at 24/7. 

I have talked with him SEVERAL times about this. He always feels bad, but says he doesn't know why he's not interested in sex. I asked him if it was just me, if he was attracted to other women more than me, and he said no. So I don't know what it is. That's why we're going to counseling. I asked if he thought we should go, and he said "It will probably help". So.... We'll se if it does. 

All I know is that I'm getting extremely sexually frustrated.


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

Please let me know if marriage counselling suggests any solutions! 

I am in the same boat. I don't even mind about porn HONESTLY, I would happily watch it with him if it would help. I would do anything short of a threesome if it would help. 

Good luck to all of us ladies.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Counciling is a good start and maybe he will open up to the whys of sex. You two got together shortly after (or during) his bad experience with his ex and that may have carried over as destroying in his mind the importantance of sex to a healthy relationship. He might not value sex at all and see it as an evil. Then again most doctors suggest you wait 12 weeks after birth to have sex again. He might just be using to much caution.

After counciling try to find as many ways to communicate as you can. Let him know that his touch is very important to you.

draconis


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## amelia13 (Jun 11, 2008)

Yeah, we tried looking at it together, and I put a stop to that after he kept looking at the porn instead of me. I felt like he was "having sex with her" instead of me. 

Also, he's even admitted he has an adiction to it, so we try to elminate it from our house 100%. You wouldn't offer an alcoholic a beer... so why should I offer my husband porn? 


We talk and talk and talk. I think he's just tuned out of anything I say anymore. So talking... just the two of us... isn't working. He just doesn't understand how I feel. And he knows he isn't being fair to me, but what gets me is he makes NO EFFORT at all to be a little less selfish and be intimate with me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Let's start with this, why are you with him?

draconis


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## amelia13 (Jun 11, 2008)

I am with my husband because I love him more than anything in the world... other than our son. We have a true understanding of each other and get along increadibly well. The ONLY thing we fight about is sex, and even then, we really don't argue about it. And before I got pregnant, we were fine in that department. 

I am with my husband because, though I know I could make it on my own, I couldn't imagine myself without him. We complete each other in every way imaginable. We have fun together and can completely be ourselves with each other. 

Never once has he ever raised his voice to me. Never once has he dared to rase a hand to me. He hardly ever limits me in anything I chose to do, and when there are limits (just as he has some) it is only to better our marriage and our lives together. 

I couldn't ask for a better man. I can only ask for a little more sex. And if that's all I have to complain about... then I am blessed. Because that can be fixed. 

I'm just a little frustrated at times. Things have been improving the past few days, so I guess we'll see if things continue in this direction. If they do, things can only get better.


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## amelia13 (Jun 11, 2008)

And let me add... We did not live together before getting married. I did not know that he had an addiction. I knew he looked at the stuff, but never thought he was addicted. 

I found this out after we got married. 

I do not believe in divorce, unless there is extreme abuse or adultry. I believe in doing whatever is neccissary to work things out. And that is exactly what I intend on doing. 


I just wanted to see if there was a man in this forum that could provide to me a point of view that I otherwise do not have.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think a councilor might help or at the very least some better communication between the two of you.

draconis


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