# How would you react?



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Had an interesting occurrence last weekend and was wondering how some of you guys would have reacted (women can reply since I'd like your take on it).

My wife and I have been struggling sex-wise. Our libidos are way out of whack. While I'd like to have sex twice a week, she would like it at most twice a month to once every two months. As a result I masturbate to take care of myself. Sex between us only happens during weekend, and only in the morning after we shower.

Last weekend we got up, had coffee and I was going to take my shower and I suggested that we have some intimacy after she showers. Her reply was "It's not going to happen." That's fine. I'm used to it so I took my shower and while in there I masturbated. I came out of the shower, grabbed another cup of coffee and was watching the news and my wife went in and shower. She came out wrapped in a towel and said "Come on. Let's go to bed." I knew having just masturbated I could not do it again in that time frame. My reaction was one of the following (I'll tell you later which one) but I think some options were:

1. Go to the bedroom, get her off first (which is what we do when we have sex), attempt to have sex and fake an orgasm and wrap things up.

2. Go to the bedroom, get her off first, attempt to have sex and just tap out when I can't orgasm and explain why (or not explain why).

3. Go to the bedroom, get her off first and then stop and explain that I had just masturbated so I was done.

4. Not go to the bedroom and just explain that I had just masturbated so I was all set.

Guys, how would you have handled it? Ladies, what would your reaction be under each answer?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I might have had her go at me orally because I had "lost" my mood when she turned me down.

I can't really put myself in your situation. I probably would have just leveled with her and told her too late and she could take care of herself.

I wouldn't put up with her attitude at all. Unless she has a health problem, sex needs to be on our menu daily.

Do you feel your marriage is good apart from her controlling frequency and keeping it pretty low?


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Does your wife know you masturbate to supplement her lack of sex drive? That determines how your question is answered. If she is aware and doesn't care, then tell her that's what happened. If she only wants to have sex every two months, she probably won't care anyway and would have probably been relieved when she didn't have to do it.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I might have had her go at me orally because I had "lost" my mood when she turned me down.
> 
> I can't really put myself in your situation. I probably would have just leveled with her and told her too late and she could take care of herself.
> 
> ...


Truthfully I just assumed a woman a sex drive that low probably isn't doing oral. Hopefully I'm wrong.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> Had an interesting occurrence last weekend and was wondering how some of you guys would have reacted (women can reply since I'd like your take on it).
> 
> My wife and I have been struggling sex-wise. Our libidos are way out of whack. While I'd like to have sex twice a week, she would like it at most twice a month to once every two months. As a result I masturbate to take care of myself. Sex between us only happens during weekend, and only in the morning after we shower.
> 
> ...


None of the above. 
I’d have divorced her years ago. 
What you should have done was said “It’s not going to happen “.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I concur nothing at all, l would not appease her, nor have any interest in that type of woman period.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It would be no, just don't want to now. No reason.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Her reply was "It's not going to happen."


What an answer! As if she's talking to a stranger .... 





> She came out wrapped in a towel and said "Come on. Let's go to bed."


WTF???? 
She's treating your so poorly!!! How can you stand that. As if you're her puppy, not her H. :slap:

Are you in your senses?? Do you realize how she's treating you like a piece of ...I don't know .... a meatball! 




> 1. Go to the bedroom, get her off first (which is what we do when we have sex), attempt to have sex and fake an orgasm and wrap things up.
> 2. Go to the bedroom, get her off first, attempt to have sex and just tap out when I can't orgasm and explain why (or not explain why).
> 3. Go to the bedroom, get her off first and then stop and explain that I had just masturbated so I was done.
> 4. Not go to the bedroom and just explain that I had just masturbated so I was all set.


If I were you, I would've crossed out all these possibilities and I'd simply reply:

* *Too late. Not going to happen. ** ... and then I'd keep on sipping the coffee. 

No explanations. No details. Nothing at all. Just that!!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

> 1. Go to the bedroom, get her off first (which is what we do when we have sex), attempt to have sex and fake an orgasm and wrap things up.
> 
> 2. Go to the bedroom, get her off first, attempt to have sex and just tap out when I can't orgasm and explain why (or not explain why).
> 
> ...





> Ladies, what would your reaction be under each answer?


In every situation, my asnwer would be "_what a doormat. I can treat him as I want and he'll obey me. meh. As always... :sleeping:_."


*Seriously, after that type of attitude, you'd still consider going to the bedroom?????*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This stuff does blow my mind!

That there are women like this and the men that stay with them without spanking their behinds rosy?:wink2:>


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> This stuff does blow my mind!
> 
> That there are women like this and the men that stay with them without spanking their behinds rosy?:wink2:>


Spanking the behinds rosy would be like a luxurious treatment and a compliment. That'd be too much for these types of women. >

:scratchhead:
These women deserve to have their behinds completely white and flat so that no one would even like to look at them...let alone touch and spank them!


:wink2:


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Fake the orgasm, because that’s always the answer. 

Get her off first then “attempt to have sex”, that’s really unhealthy thinking. Is not getting her off having sex? Not to mention the journey vs destination thing. 

When we are (granted that’s only occasionally) mismatched she will provide eye candy and a boob to come on.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

number 2.
Then go purchase "The Rational Male" and get started reading it!


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

2 or 3.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> "It's not going to happen."


Are the rejections usually this blunt?



Chris Taylor said:


> ....attempt to have sex and fake an orgasm and wrap things up.


^^^^How is THAT accomplished?? (I mean ''technically'', lol)

Anyway.

I was, for a time, in your situation regarding the mismatch in libidos. I've also been in this exact scenario you describe. Although, this was many years ago, I believe something along the lines of option #2 went down.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> This stuff does blow my mind!
> 
> That there are women like this and the men that stay with them without spanking their behinds rosy?:wink2:>


Conan, you are really into spanking? Did it once on your advice and my wife said, what was that for, then she said, “oh”. LOL>


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

no 4.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I would have told her to pack her **** and hit the road after the "that's not going to happen remark"... 

Give me a ****ing break... 

If I EVER had a wife or GF say that to me, in that manner, without some type of explanation about what the **** is going on with her, that **** would blow up like an atom bomb... 

Do you people put up with this type of behavior in relationships... REALLY???


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> Guys, how would you have handled it?


OMG, I have been in this situations like this a few times. This is the PERFECT scenario. Here is what you do...

#6 Don't indicate you just masturbated, just pretend to be mildly interested and then bring out your A-Game of playing hard to get. Tell your wife that you are not a sex machine because you have feelings and emotions and all that kind of stuff and that if she wants it that she is going to have to try harder to connect with you on an emotional level first. Tell her she needs to learn how to be a better listener and have more patience....

I did that once and my wife freaking went nuclear, threw me to the floor, and she eventually had ME begging for it (like for real!)!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Well, I am going to go a different route, She felt bad because she shoots you down all of the time and saw the look on your face. So, she waited for you to finish your shower and wanted to surprise you. Instead, you took care of yourself and ruined her attempt at being there for you..........

You ruined her surprise............



















After all of my Devil advocacy, i call bull****. Nope. Nope. Nope.

You don’t set up a pattern of behavior and then try to pull a surprise. Sorry, I know every life is different and I don’t live yours, but you can’t deny or say something that ignorant and expect a good outcome.

I hope you shot her down with an explanation as to the current sex situation.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Last weekend we got up, had coffee and I was going to take my shower and I suggested that we have some intimacy after she showers.


Obviously you guys have some major issues going on, but I think this kind of approach might be troublesome regardless. I recall stories here from women who liked sex, but had trouble getting in the mood because their H did not create the right environment. They felt more like a sex robot than a romantic partner. Is there any possibility that is going on? What about the women in the audience who like sex. How would you react to this kind of approach?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm probably not the norm, but I'd prefer being taken.

All this tiptoeing and permission seeking would get old really fast.




wilson said:


> What about the women in the audience who like sex. How would you react to this kind of approach?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

minimalME said:


> I'm probably not the norm, but I'd prefer being taken.
> 
> All this tiptoeing and permission seeking would get old really fast.


Actually my experience tells me you may be more to the norm that you think. 

That is my other problem with the first post...

You don't ask for sex, you have sex. Usually, if she is not already naked, I just start undressing her and start having sex. 

She seems to figure out what is fixing to happen and goes with it.

Again, I just don't get it...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> Had an interesting occurrence last weekend and was wondering how some of you guys would have reacted (women can reply since I'd like your take on it).
> 
> My wife and I have been struggling sex-wise. Our libidos are way out of whack. While I'd like to have sex twice a week, she would like it at most twice a month to once every two months. As a result I masturbate to take care of myself. Sex between us only happens during weekend, and only in the morning after we shower.
> 
> ...


Number 4, but I'd prefer



lovelygirl said:


> * *Too late. Not going to happen. ** ... and then I'd keep on sipping the coffee.
> 
> No explanations. No details. Nothing at all. Just that!!


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## Beat (Jul 21, 2019)

Chris, I would not stand for that sex occurrence she wants as it is her duty to fulfill your sexual needs or even meet you half way.
Sounds like she gives you ultimatums such that you just accept, allow to just keep peace between the 2 of you.

A married cannot survive on masturbation only, no no and to answer your question i would tell her that it is not possible as i am not in the mood anymore.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Thanks all for your input. Maybe some clarification would help.

Her response "It's not going to happen." was said nicely. It's actually a phrase she uses often. For example I'd come home with lottery tickets and tell her we're going to win big and she will reply "It's not going to happen." I didn't view it as a put down, just as an indication that we were not going to have sex.

We've had our ups and downs in the marriage but for the past 20 years sex (or lack of sex) has been a real issue. We are in our 60's if that makes any difference.

She knows I masturbate but she has a negative view of it. Once she found lube I use for masturbating and she asked me why I had it. I told her I used it when I masturbate and she replied that she doesn't want me to masturbate and I should save my orgasms for her. I explained unless she was interested in having sex 2-3 times a week then I'm going to do what I've been doing since I was 12. She also told me that one day she was so mad at me that after I left for work she masturbated behind my back to get back at me. I guess this gives you an idea of her view of sex and masturbation.

That morning I went with #4. She had kind of a surprised/shocked look on her face but it wasn't brought up again. I was thinking that #3 would have been a better option to show her that even though I wasn't in the mood, I made sure to take care of her. But, in reality, I don't think she would have got the message.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Conan, you are really into spanking? Did it once on your advice and my wife said, what was that for, then she said, “oh”. LOL>


I kinda have a thing for it, especially when a woman has been a brat.:grin2:


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I kinda have a thing for it, especially when a woman has been a brat.:grin2:


I am curious, what's your typical process? Do you do the Mr. Grey "bend over my knee"? Or do you toss her over your shoulder, carry her to bed, spank her, and then have your way with her?

Cause I don't imagine it'd be very... beneficial, if you just walked up to her and smacked her lol. "That's for this morning!"


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Chris Taylor said:


> Thanks all for your input. Maybe some clarification would help.
> 
> Her response "It's not going to happen." was said nicely. It's actually a phrase she uses often. For example I'd come home with lottery tickets and tell her we're going to win big and she will reply "It's not going to happen." I didn't view it as a put down, just as an indication that we were not going to have sex.
> 
> ...


She by what you stated seems a little self centered, vindictive, and malipulative, and engrossed in what she wants only. Sorry bud. Let her know you are going to be more open to changes if she is. And no your age has nothing to do with it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

minimalME said:


> I'm probably not the norm, but I'd prefer being taken.
> 
> All this tiptoeing and permission seeking would get old really fast.


Even though you like sex, it sounds like you wouldn't have been receptive in this situation. I imagine that it would work out better if your partner took your hand and led you to the bedroom without saying anything as opposed to asking if you wanted to have sex. Is that basically correct?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Yes. Being led is key.

Being led. Being a leader. 

For me personally, I see this as a position of strength, which lends itself to respect and attraction.

Asking does the opposite, unless it's specifically a learning moment. 




wilson said:


> Even though you like sex, it sounds like you wouldn't have been receptive in this situation. I imagine that it would work out better if your partner took your hand and *led you to the bedroom without saying anything* as opposed to asking if you wanted to have sex. Is that basically correct?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BioFury said:


> I am curious, what's your typical process? Do you do the Mr. Grey "bend over my knee"? Or do you toss her over your shoulder, carry her to bed, spank her, and then have your way with her?
> 
> Cause I don't imagine it'd be very... beneficial, if you just walked up to her and smacked her lol. "That's for this morning!"


There is always conversation going on.

It always has sexual and playful overtones. I do often include the equivalent of throwing her over my shoulder. I will usually have her being held in the air for a while and overwhelm her, gently, with my strength.

It always includes sexual intercourse during or after and usually some form of physically restraining her.

There was maybe once or twice in our entire time together that I just gave her a swat or two and that was with her pants on.

Gentle and in control is the key though some ladies, that don't mind or even enjoy it, are up for a little bit rougher.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Id have said "no thanks". Finished my coffee and gone on about my day.

You are way over thinking this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Thanks all for your input. Maybe some clarification would help.
> 
> *Her response "It's not going to happen." was said nicely. *It's actually a phrase she uses often. For example I'd come home with lottery tickets and tell her we're going to win big and she will reply "It's not going to happen." I didn't view it as a put down, just as an indication that we were not going to have sex.
> 
> ...


Nope, she's set that narrative long ago. Why would you go out of your way? She doesn't.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Can't like this enough. I miss sex so bad.












ConanHub said:


> There is always conversation going on.
> 
> It always has sexual and playful overtones. I do often include the equivalent of throwing her over my shoulder. I will usually have her being held in the air for a while and overwhelm her, gently, with my strength.
> 
> ...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Spanking the behinds rosy would be like a luxurious treatment and a compliment. That'd be too much for these types of women. >
> 
> :scratchhead:
> These women deserve to have their behinds completely white and flat so that no one would even like to look at them...let alone touch and spank them!
> ...


This actually made me laugh!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

minimalME said:


> Can't like this enough. I miss sex so bad.


Sympathies.
:banghead:

I know it has to be frustrating.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I kinda have a thing for it, especially when a woman has been a brat.:grin2:


Yeah, I understand this type of "punishment" but it would be more enjoyable in other situations... 
...when she's "playing hard to get" .... just so that she knows... you'll be grabbing her and lean her hard against wall ...to bend and then spank her like never before!
And you'll both enjoy. You know .. in these role-play scenarios .... and it'd be kinkier ...
:laugh:




But not in situations when you're being constantly refused and this becomes a norm. :banghead:
And then ironically, you get military-orders like "come and have sex now!!!"
It feels like verbal rape.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Marc878 said:


> You've accepted it so why complain now?


Just to be clear, I haven't "accepted it". Lack of sex has been the topic of conversation and a major issue for a long time. Now, if not winning the battle means I've "accepted" it then maybe you are right. What's the alternative? Leave? I think a lot of people here understand that is easier said than done with financial obligations, kids, grandkids, mortgages, etc... If this happened when we were in our 20's then I doubt we'd be together now. But back then she was a lot different.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What if next week you took her hand and said "let's go take a shower"? You could be direct about what's going to happen, or be a little tongue-in-cheek and say it's to save on the water bill. But either way, lead her along to get things going and see where it goes. Even if she just "lends you a hand" in the shower, it could get things moving in the right direction.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

I can't speak for CT, but, I'm guessing those times she allows sex every other month is not because she's hot for sex, but it's to placate CT. 

If he plays coy, or nonchalant, I suspect she'll metaphorically shrug her shoulders and be glad her obligation is done for the foreseeable future.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Tell her you are going to have sex 2-3 times per week. It can be with her or with another woman - her choice.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> She knows I masturbate but she has a negative view of it. Once she found lube I use for masturbating and she asked me why I had it. I told her I used it when I masturbate and she replied that *she doesn't want me to masturbate and I should save my orgasms for her.* I explained unless she was interested in having sex 2-3 times a week then I'm going to do what I've been doing since I was 12. She also told me that one day she was so mad at me that after I left for work she masturbated behind my back to get back at me. I guess this gives you an idea of her view of sex and masturbation.


Hope you don't mind me posting this here, but I went through your old threads and also found this:



Chris Taylor said:


> *My wife realizes I am bi, but because of an affair that I had.* I knew I was bi in my mid-teens but it never went anywhere and was pushed back in the closet because of societal norms. I never told her over the 35 years of our marriage because until about five years ago, it never play a part in who I was.
> 
> Other than the affair, my wife does not have a problem with me being bi. She was raised in a very progressive household and has several lesbian/gay acquaintances.
> 
> *I know that she has that spot in the back of her mind that she thinks she can not compete with a guy.* I have vowed monogamy, I'm constantly reinforcing her trust in me and she meets my emotional and sexual needs. She can't change my bisexuality but can understand and accept it.


So now if we go back and revisit this part:



> She also told me that one day she was so mad at me that after I left for work she masturbated behind my back to get back at me. I guess this gives you an idea of her view of sex and masturbation.


....ummm if she gets jealous about the possibility you might be thinking of other people and other genders during masturbation, perhaps her anger was to demonstrate the she too can do the same, but that instead she doesn't and saves that part of herself for you. 

Do you appreciate that? No, you go and jerk off in the shower and tell her you are done for the day and thought of it this way.



> That morning I went with #4. She had kind of a surprised/shocked look on her face but it wasn't brought up again. I was thinking that #3 would have been a better option to show her that even though I wasn't in the mood, I made sure to take care of her. But, in reality, I don't think she would have got the message.


I am pretty sure if we were to hear her side of the story, I think she would feel like you are the one that did not get the message. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You have good points however intimacy was pretty good after the affair for quite a while. I'm guessing that she saw sex as a means of keeping me happy. It did, however, come after many difficult discussions about intimacy (and trust).


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

wilson said:


> What if next week you took her hand and said "let's go take a shower"? You could be direct about what's going to happen, or be a little tongue-in-cheek and say it's to save on the water bill. But either way, lead her along to get things going and see where it goes. Even if she just "lends you a hand" in the shower, it could get things moving in the right direction.


Been there, done that. If she isn't in the mood pushing it just gets her angry and I hear "It isn't going to happen."


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Seems like in this case, her response simply backfired on her. It’s like her being mad if you said you called on the way home said you wanted to go out to eat together and she says “not gonna happen” so you stop and grab a bite to eat on your own. Then when you get home, she’s says “well maybe we could go grab a quick bite.”

When you rebuff an emotional bid you don’t have a say about how that bid denial is processed.

Ladies, we do appreciate that you do want us to just take it but sometimes we just don’t feel like the emotional/psychological hoop jumping is worth the effort.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

There is no hoop jumping when you take it. 



aaarghdub said:


> Ladies, we do appreciate that you do want us to just take it but sometimes we just don’t feel like the emotional/psychological hoop jumping is worth the effort.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aaarghdub said:


> Seems like in this case, her response simply backfired on her. It’s like her being mad if you said you called on the way home said you wanted to go out to eat together and she says “not gonna happen” so you stop and grab a bite to eat on your own. Then when you get home, she’s says “well maybe we could go grab a quick bite.”
> 
> When you rebuff an emotional bid you don’t have a say about how that bid denial is processed.
> 
> ...





minimalME said:


> There is no hoop jumping when you take it.


I will add to this. I did a job by myself this morning and came back to the hotel really worked up. I immediately started kissing Mrs. C heavily with serious groping and grinding. She was a little standoffish because of discomfort from sleeping badly. I backed off but only because of her discomfort and she would have gladly been taken if she didn't have pain. I masturbated for the second time today and relaxed.

I waited for a while and masturbated a third time and she was starting to feel better and my aggressiveness earlier had done it's work. She was aroused. I almost went for my 4th MB session when she said she was ready. I then seriously took her.

If she isn't experiencing a health issue, Mrs. C gets taken with regularity and responds with really good heat.

I think something triggers in most women when their man starts taking her, even if something gets in the way, she gets a switch flipped on somewhere and gets aroused.

It doesn't seem to work with no confidence and whining however....


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

minimalME said:


> There is no hoop jumping when you take it.




On the physical side, I completely agree. You’re horny, take your partner up stairs, have your way, get a physical release and move on. Yes, you can stick your penis inside of her but if you actually want to be touched sexually as well for more than 5 seconds to make sure you’re hard, you’re not gonna get it.

My wife likes sex but the emotional connection part is lacking. So even if I do take her, I get a physical release but not the emotional connection part. Once she comes, it’s like trying to mad a getaway from the scene of a crime. 

I get it. Women get validation from a man just taking them because it means they are still desirable. If you’re taking her and she’s “meh” you basically just using her to masturbate. To me I don’t like that feeling.

I’ve also noticed that if man says he’s not interested in sex, the woman goes from “I could take it or leave it” to “WTF is wrong? Am I not good enough? Are you having an affair? Are you using porn again?”


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I understand.

For me, being led contributes to my excitement. So, in no way does it mean simply being used - or that I wouldn't participate.

I see it more as a dynamic between two people that builds erotic tension.

But I get what you're saying. My ex-husband's behavior was 'meh', and so we had a sexless marriage. 

Passivity in either sex is unattractive.




aaarghdub said:


> On the physical side, I completely agree. You’re horny, take your partner up stairs, have your way, get a physical release and move on. Yes, you can stick your penis inside of her but if you actually want to be touched sexually as well for more than 5 seconds to make sure you’re hard, you’re not gonna get it.
> 
> My wife likes sex but the emotional connection part is lacking. So even if I do take her, I get a physical release but not the emotional connection part. Once she comes, it’s like trying to mad a getaway from the scene of a crime.
> 
> ...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I will add to this. I did a job by myself this morning and came back to the hotel really worked up. *I immediately started kissing Mrs. C heavily with serious groping and grinding*.


:smthumbup:



> I masturbated for the second time today and relaxed.
> 
> I waited for a while and masturbated a third time and she was starting to feel better and my aggressiveness earlier had done it's work. She was aroused. I almost went for my 4th MB session when she said she was ready. I then seriously took her.


Apparently you're not merely HD, you're 4K ULTRA HD :laugh:




> If she isn't experiencing a health issue, Mrs. C gets taken with regularity and responds with really good heat.


It's great that she responds to your drive in a similar way.:grin2:



> I think something triggers in most women when their man starts taking her, even if something gets in the way, she gets a switch flipped on somewhere and gets aroused.


Women need to be taken and seduced ... even sexually. Especially when the man has confidence and knows what he's doing.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

aaarghdub said:


> My wife likes sex but the emotional connection part is lacking. So even if I do take her, I get a physical release but not the emotional connection part. Once she comes, it’s like trying to mad a getaway from the scene of a crime.


Has she lost the emotional connection with you or you with her?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

lovelygirl said:


> Has she lost the emotional connection with you or you with her?




She has self-admitted emotional intimacy issues. Lingering childhood emotional trauma she suppresses. Her quote “the biggest way to turn me off is sex talk. I like it a lot just don’t make me talk about it.” She once had a panic attack with her on top after 10 minutes for her-centric foreplay and was ready for PIV and I said “it’d be nice if you focused on me for a little.” Normally she can get going and come within a few minutes. In 18 years never said “I love you before during or after sex”

Ive told her it feels like it’s all about getting off but told her her actions say otherwise. I’m very intentional touch wise and hers feels obligatory and awkward. Clearly she enjoys getting it but has a hang up with giving.

Bottom line is she has her comfort zone and I have to live with it. I would be more aggressive but it’s hard with a partner that doesn’t have a desire to emotionally connect during sex.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

aaarghdub said:


> She has self-admitted emotional intimacy issues. Lingering childhood emotional trauma she suppresses. Her quote “the biggest way to turn me off is sex talk. I like it a lot just don’t make me talk about it.” She once had a panic attack with her on top after 10 minutes for her-centric foreplay and was ready for PIV and I said “it’d be nice if you focused on me for a little.” Normally she can get going and come within a few minutes. In 18 years never said “I love you before during or after sex”
> 
> Ive told her it feels like it’s all about getting off but told her her actions say otherwise. I’m very intentional touch wise and hers feels obligatory and awkward. Clearly she enjoys getting it but has a hang up with giving.
> 
> ...


My wife is similar. She complies, but she really doesn't participate nor communicate. If feels gross and I've chosen to stop. It's frustrating, but it's better than what we had.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

aaarghdub said:


> She has self-admitted emotional intimacy issues. Lingering childhood emotional trauma she suppresses. Her quote “the biggest way to turn me off is sex talk. I like it a lot just don’t make me talk about it.” She once had a panic attack with her on top after 10 minutes for her-centric foreplay and was ready for PIV and I said “it’d be nice if you focused on me for a little.” Normally she can get going and come within a few minutes. In 18 years never said “I love you before during or after sex”
> 
> Ive told her it feels like it’s all about getting off but told her her actions say otherwise. I’m very intentional touch wise and hers feels obligatory and awkward. Clearly she enjoys getting it but has a hang up with giving.
> 
> ...


The irony is that my wife seems to have been programmed to believe it's not an emotional thing for guys, just physical.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Had an interesting occurrence last weekend and was wondering how some of you guys would have reacted (women can reply since I'd like your take on it).
> 
> 
> 
> ...



“Sorry babe, not interested anymore.”

Then grin and walk away to go do something fun. 

Don’t play games.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Chris Taylor said:


> Had an interesting occurrence last weekend and was wondering how some of you guys would have reacted (women can reply since I'd like your take on it).
> 
> My wife and I have been struggling sex-wise. Our libidos are way out of whack. While I'd like to have sex twice a week, she would like it at most twice a month to once every two months. As a result I masturbate to take care of myself. Sex between us only happens during weekend, and only in the morning after we shower.
> 
> ...


I really do not understand 1 and 2. 

3 would be what I expect. But then I would not have said it was not going to happen. I might have said "make me" or similar. 

I like it early morning like 5.30 am is my ideal time.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> The irony is that my wife seems to have been programmed to believe it's not an emotional thing for guys, just physical.


I think a lot of women think this. Men make a lot of sex jokes at women's expense and I think many women interpret this to mean that sex is just sex to them and any warm body will do. 

I don't believe this is true at all. I don't have a huge sample size, but I'd say only 1 of the guys I've been with was really only about the physical. The rest were a good mixture of physical and emotion, some better than others...because sometimes a girl wants it to be more about the physical and less about the emotion and sometimes vice versa and the trick it to know when she's feeling which way!!! :grin2: (yes, the same could be said of men too, I know!!)


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> I think a lot of women think this. Men make a lot of sex jokes at women's expense and I think many women interpret this to mean that sex is just sex to them and any warm body will do.
> 
> I don't believe this is true at all. I don't have a huge sample size, but I'd say only 1 of the guys I've been with was really only about the physical. The rest were a good mixture of physical and emotion, some better than others...because sometimes a girl wants it to be more about the physical and less about the emotion and sometimes vice versa and the trick it to know when she's feeling which way!!! :grin2: (yes, the same could be said of men too, I know!!)


Yes, things do get all mixed up. I really couldn't believe just how much my wife, married 40 years, assumed sex was a physical thing to me and did not get at all the emotion attached to a physical act (for me). For her, it had become almost completely physical, something to basically get through... and this at least partly, perhaps mostly, because of her assumptions of what it meant to me.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Yes, things do get all mixed up. I really couldn't believe just how much my wife, married 40 years, assumed sex was a physical thing to me and did not get at all the emotion attached to a physical act (for me). For her, it had become almost completely physical, something to basically get through... and this at least partly, perhaps mostly, because of her assumptions of what it meant to me.


And so now that she knows you're looking for an emotional connection with her, what is her reaction to that? Does she still feel like sex is just something to "get through?" Is there something she's looking for you to do during sex that really solidifies for her that you are emotionally there? (good eye contact, for example) 

I've been with someone who is into multiple position changes during sex but always, always has to end in a position that provides good eye contact. She might be looking for something like that...which shows her that you need it to be HER that you're with and that you need to connect with her during the event. 

I think that's a conversation worth having with her.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> The irony is that my wife seems to have been programmed to believe it's not an emotional thing for guys, just physical.


Well...isn't it true for most times?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> Yes, things do get all mixed up. I really couldn't believe just how much my wife, married 40 years, assumed sex was a physical thing to me and did not get at all the emotion attached to a physical act (for me). For her, it had become almost completely physical, something to basically get through... and this at least partly, perhaps mostly, because of her assumptions of what it meant to me.


Letting your wife assume that sex is just physical, for 40 years, could also imply you haven't been good at communicating your emotions during sex.
She hasn't received any emotional signal during those moments so she assumes this physical-only theory.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

To answer your question I would simply tell her the truth. You said no, so I took care of it myself. 
Either that or just tell her that you are no longer in the mood.

Sometimes we women take a while to heat up. Next time try waiting to see if her desire changes after you suggest it.
Sometimes men are very literal. For me I may not want it just then, but if I’m left to think on it I begin to get interested. It’s not so much “no” but more “not right now”

Can you have sex some other time? Is it always on such a predictable schedule?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> We've had our ups and downs in the marriage but for the past 20 years sex (or lack of sex) has been a real issue.* We are in our 60's* if that makes any difference.




How does your wife feel about the condition of her body; being in her 60's?

That can have a big effect on a woman's desire for sex.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

aquarius1 said:


> Sometimes we women take a while to heat up. Next time try waiting to see if her desire changes after you suggest it.



I think the adage is “a watched pot never boils” 

As men, we have no idea when our partners will be able to close 100+ open browser tabs to get to the “sex” tab. Truthfully, women don’t either.

Going forward it’s really all about her reaction to you telling her what happened. You’ve clearly communicated that your drive is higher than hers and things haven’t changed since you were 12. 

I think if she really wanted sex, her reaction would have been different. If she puts shame on you with no ownership on her part than you know where her heart is. 

If she was shocked and never brought it up again she is suppressing some negative emotion towards you. Most likely along the lines of “WTH.... I went out of my way and you already took care of yourself. You’re an ass!” The key indicator will be what happens next time. Is she resentful or playful? Did she tell herself that she needs to be careful shutting you down or is she pissed you didn’t wait some arbitrary time for her to get in the mood and excluded her from sex?

Seems women either resent a guy masturbating (especially if porn connected), feel insecure about it (not good enough), acknowledge it goes on... they just don’t want to know about it (denial), or lovingly want to participate/watch. 

When a guy gets the message “of course I want to meet your sexual and emotional needs... just not right now” that is the same as saying “no... I’m not going meet that need now but I will in some unspecified time and circumstances of my choosing.” Guy takes that as a non-interest, takes care of himself and then grows emotionally more distant. The equivalent of having a snack ‘cause your starving. Tides you over but it satisfying. I think if a husband told his wife he didn’t feel like “talking right now” but never gave her an inkling of when but also said that “of course she can always talk to me” she’d be incredibly frustrated.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying have sex out of obligation or do it just because he says he’s horny. The point is men need to understand women don’t have an “on” switch and women need to understand what sex really means to a man. I can walk around not horny all day since I took care of myself but be emotionally disconnected and unsatisfied because I didn’t get loving touch or bounding after orgasm.

Women can look at their partner and have one of two thoughts: 1) my man doesn’t cheat because he made a vow but also I give him no reason to want to go anywhere else and 2) he won’t chest because he made a vow... his satisfaction is irrelevant (he gets what he gets) and if he goes elsewhere i’ll burn his life to ground if he did.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Well...isn't it true for most times?


Absolutely not. You could have a physical relationship with anything or anybody. Call it recreational sex or just getting off. That’s not how it works for many men. I think some women might choose to reduce it to that level because they don’t want to deal with the bonding and emotion.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> How does your wife feel about the condition of her body; being in her 60's?
> 
> That can have a big effect on a woman's desire for sex.


It's our job, as husbands, to make sure our wives understand that they are our one true love and that wrinkles, extra weight, a seriously botched up breast reconstruction after a mastectomy, whether the lights are on or off that is the most beautiful woman in the world to you. Because she is. She lights up your life. And if that's not the case, or if she doesn't get that, you have problems that need to be addressed. Problems and issues that didn't suddenly happen when you got to a certain age, but have likely been there all along.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> It's our job, as husbands, to make sure our wives understand that they are our one true love and that wrinkles, extra weight, a seriously botched up breast reconstruction after a mastectomy, whether the lights are on or off that is the most beautiful woman in the world to you. Because she is. She lights up your life. And if that's not the case, or if she doesn't get that, you have problems that need to be addressed. Problems and issues that didn't suddenly happen when you got to a certain age, but have likely been there all along.




Beautiful sentiment; but I don't agree with it for a moment.

If that's how you actually feel about your wife, then that's great for her and you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

My response would be: "You said no, so I took care of myself. Sorry." Not mean or angry. Just matter of fact.

Of course, my cynicism when it comes to women and sex says that the only reason she offered is because she KNEW you had masturbated, and this way she could say she offered but not have to do it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> Had an interesting occurrence last weekend and was wondering how some of you guys would have reacted (women can reply since I'd like your take on it).
> 
> My wife and I have been struggling sex-wise. Our libidos are way out of whack. While I'd like to have sex twice a week, she would like it at most twice a month to once every two months. As a result I masturbate to take care of myself. Sex between us only happens during weekend, and only in the morning after we shower.
> 
> ...


None of the above. It does not take long for me to go a second time. :grin2:


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Tell her to go fk off! More so, don't ask, just do. Asking her for sex is a put off for women...like do I fit in your busy schedule of drinking coffee and watching trash TV?

Futhermore her complete disrespect is probably due to you letting her dictate the sexual relations of your marriage.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> My response would be: "You said no, so I took care of myself. Sorry." Not mean or angry. Just matter of fact.
> 
> Of course, my cynicism when it comes to women and sex says that the only reason she offered is because she KNEW you had masturbated, and this way she could say she offered but not have to do it.


Ouch!

Probably true, but.. damn!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Beautiful sentiment; but I don't agree with it for a moment.
> 
> If that's how you actually feel about your wife, then that's great for her and you.


That's a harsh indictment of men in general. To say you don't agree with it makes it sound like you think it's universally true and part of our nature.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Casual Observer said:


> That's a harsh indictment of men in general. To say you don't agree with it makes it sound like you think it's universally true and part of our nature.



Rationalization is a powerful thing.


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## Coastalguy (May 15, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> My response would be: "You said no, so I took care of myself. Sorry." Not mean or angry. Just matter of fact.


This would be my response. I've never had this exact sequence of events happen though I have seen a 'not right now' turn into a 'let's do it' sometime later.

Aquarius1 summed it up well the way my wife seems to work:



> Sometimes we women take a while to heat up. Next time try waiting to see if her desire changes after you suggest it.
> Sometimes men are very literal. For me I may not want it just then, but if I’m left to think on it I begin to get interested. It’s not so much “no” but more “not right now”


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## Coastalguy (May 15, 2018)

aaarghdub said:


> I think the adage is “a watched pot never boils”
> 
> As men, we have no idea when our partners will be able to close 100+ open browser tabs to get to the “sex” tab. Truthfully, women don’t either.
> 
> ...


This. Consistent with what I've observed in sexual, LTR, adult relationships. (including mine)


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

aaarghdub said:


> Women can look at their partner and have one of two thoughts: 1) my man doesn’t cheat because he made a vow but also I give him no reason to want to go anywhere else and 2) he won’t chest because he made a vow... his satisfaction is irrelevant (he gets what he gets) and if he goes elsewhere i’ll burn his life to ground if he did.


Maybe I'm just crazy but neither of those thoughts ever entered my mind while I was married, or really during any of my relationships. I was with my husband because I wanted to be, because I loved him, and I had sex with him because I wanted him. I never thought that I'd better have sex so he won't cheat. I'd imagine if that's your spouse's sole reason for having sex with you you're going to have a very unsatisfying sex life. 

Believe it or not, there are many women out there that enjoy sex and WANT to have a fulfilling sex life with their partner. They enjoy the sex for themselves but also really enjoy making their partner happy. Crazy, right???


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's much easier for a woman to go from a simmer to a boil than to go from a cold start to a boil. Keeping a little sexual tension in the air all of the time will help those women who don't put out on demand to get in the mood.

Flirting with your spouse daily is highly recommended. Women's complaints that their partners are only affectionate when they want sex is because that playful flirting is missing.

How much of a turn-on is a "Want to screw?".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> Maybe I'm just crazy but neither of those thoughts ever entered my mind while I was married, or really during any of my relationships. I was with my husband because I wanted to be, because I loved him, and I had sex with him because I wanted him. I never thought that I'd better have sex so he won't cheat. I'd imagine if that's your spouse's sole reason for having sex with you you're going to have a very unsatisfying sex life.
> 
> Believe it or not, there are many women out there that enjoy sex and WANT to have a fulfilling sex life with their partner. They enjoy the sex for themselves but also really enjoy making their partner happy. Crazy, right???


Yeah. I had the same thought though I don't discount the experiences of the guys posting here.

Mrs. C loves having sex and can usually go every day. She isn't as high drive as me, not many are. She says I am the horniest person she ever met.:grin2:

She can go about a week before initiating herself and stops taking no for an answer a little before the two week point.

She does everything she can to have sex with me because she loves me and she does enjoy the sex as well.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> She does everything she can to have sex with me because she loves me and she does enjoy the sex as well.


It's not simply because she loves you. It's also that you find the right tactics and moments to be flirtatious with her all day long, before getting into sex with her. That's the "trick" to make her want to sex you up all the time. 

She could be HD, but if you weren't willing to put her in the right mood, she would probably avoid you, too.

I think that OP's wife could have the same issues. 
I highly doubt..... if OP knows how to put his wife into this mood. Simply asking to join her in the shower for a sexual session is* not *the same as_ being flirty and making her feel loved all day long_, BEFORE asking her to join him in the shower.

Actually, if she felt loved and wanted all day long by OP, she would (most likely) join him herself, without him having to ask.

I'm talking from a woman's perspective here. Many guys think women don't like sex, but in reality, most times they are not in the mood because of their partners!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. I had the same thought though I don't discount the experiences of the guys posting here.
> 
> Oh, I don't either. My post was more of a "wow...I'd hate to be in a relationship like that" type thing. I've been in a relationship where my husband was having sex with me because it was expected and not because he really wanted me. I'll NEVER go back to something like that, ever. It was damaging to me in a way I can't accurately express. If you aren't doing it because you love me and desire me then just move along pal.
> 
> ...





lovelygirl said:


> I'm talking from a woman's perspective here. Many guys think women don't like sex, but in reality, most times they are not in the mood because of their partners!
> 
> And here is where I feel bad for so many men. It's so hard to know what will "work" to put a woman in the mood and it seems to change daily. And even when men do exactly what some woman say they want, it still doesn't work and can just piss her off. Men just can't seem to win when it comes to this with some women.
> 
> I think once you've lost that sexy, fun, spontaneous aspect of the relationship it's very hard to get it back. Because once a woman is out of the habit of thinking of her husband sexually, he can flirt and be sexy as much as he wants, but at that point it just irritates her. "Oh God...he's going to want sex tonight." All newly married men should take heed...never slack off in that department.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

To answer your question, I masturbate a lot anyway because she can't physically handle sex 3-5 times a day.

We have had some emotional turmoil the past few years and I stopped having sex with her so much and just masturbated more.

That was how I found out about her breaking point about sex.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> To answer your question, I masturbate a lot anyway because she can't physically handle sex 3-5 times a day.
> 
> We have had some emotional turmoil the past few years and I stopped having sex with her so much and just masturbated more.
> 
> That was how I found out about her breaking point about sex.


That makes sense. Sorry if I brought up a painful subject. I hadn't considered that possibility. I hope things are better now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> That makes sense. Sorry if I brought up a painful subject. I hadn't considered that possibility. I hope things are better now.


We are working it out. Had a tough but productive fight a couple days ago.:smile2:


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> I think once you've lost that sexy, fun, spontaneous aspect of the relationship it's very hard to get it back. Because once a woman is out of the habit of thinking of her husband sexually, he can flirt and be sexy as much as he wants, but at that point it just irritates her. "Oh God...he's going to want sex tonight." All newly married men should take heed...never slack off in that department.


While I agree that the man should try to keep the flame burning, I think it's a marriage-ending attitude if the LD person abdicates all responsibility for getting in the mood to the other person. It's totally understandable that someone's drive may wax and wane over time. But in the context of a marriage, the LD person is killing the marriage if they don't take an active role in ensuring intimacy is still part of the relationship. I agree that many times the LD person gets out of the grove and it's hard to get it back. We see it all the time. But what I find it harder to understand is why the LD person is so nonchalant and uncaring about it and the effect it has on the marriage. 

When a couple is going through this issue, I think the first thing they need to tackle is understanding the importance of intimacy within the marriage in an objective sense. The LD person needs to understand that intimacy is just as important in a marriage as are other things like fidelity and communication. It's part of the foundation of marriage. When those characteristics aren't there, a probable outcome is the marriage falls apart. Once they understand that, then they can tackle any specific reasons why the LD person doesn't want to have sex with their partner, such as poor technique, bad attitude, etc.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

wilson said:


> While I agree that the man should try to keep the flame burning, I think it's a marriage-ending attitude if the LD person abdicates all responsibility for getting in the mood to the other person. It's totally understandable that someone's drive may wax and wane over time. But in the context of a marriage, the LD person is killing the marriage if they don't take an active role in ensuring intimacy is still part of the relationship. I agree that many times the LD person gets out of the grove and it's hard to get it back. We see it all the time. But what I find it harder to understand is why the LD person is so nonchalant and uncaring about it and the effect it has on the marriage.
> 
> When a couple is going through this issue, I think the first thing they need to tackle is understanding the importance of intimacy within the marriage in an objective sense. The LD person needs to understand that intimacy is just as important in a marriage as are other things like fidelity and communication. It's part of the foundation of marriage. When those characteristics aren't there, a probable outcome is the marriage falls apart. Once they understand that, then they can tackle any specific reasons why the LD person doesn't want to have sex with their partner, such as poor technique, bad attitude, etc.


Agree 100%. I think it's definitely up to BOTH partners to ensure that intimacy remains a crucial part of the relationship. It's amazing to me how many LD people think "oh well...he/she will just have to get over it" when that's an awful thing to think about your partner. You might as well say "I know you have this huge need and I just don't give a **** about that."

I work with a woman who really has no desire for sex anymore. Menopause has stripped her of all desire. She jokes all the time about how her husband is always after her. Another woman said "just tell him no" and she was horrified. "I can't do that...that's not what marriage is about. He needs me, and I'm there for him. He has no idea I don't want it anymore." I think a lot of wives could learn from her as she describes the rest of her marriage as very satisfying. It's very clear when you see them together that they are still very much in love after almost 30 years together. I know he's made some big sacrifices for her as well.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> Agree 100%. I think it's definitely up to BOTH partners to ensure that intimacy remains a crucial part of the relationship. It's amazing to me how many LD people think "oh well...he/she will just have to get over it" when that's an awful thing to think about your partner. You might as well say "I know you have this huge need and I just don't give a **** about that."
> 
> I work with a woman who really has no desire for sex anymore. Menopause has stripped her of all desire. She jokes all the time about how her husband is always after her. Another woman said "just tell him no" and she was horrified. "I can't do that...that's not what marriage is about. He needs me, and I'm there for him. He has no idea I don't want it anymore." I think a lot of wives could learn from her as she describes the rest of her marriage as very satisfying. It's very clear when you see them together that they are still very much in love after almost 30 years together. I know he's made some big sacrifices for her as well.


Pre marriage when we discussed sex the words oxygen, food and water came up. That has served us well. Fast forward to post menopause, I interpreted "no" when she was really saying "what worked so wonderfully for 20 years isn't working for me anymore". Took us a while to figure that out and more to time find our new normal. It easily could have ended badly. 

More on topic, part of new normal is on the (rare) occasions when she's really not up for sex we'll have some "naked time". No expectations of sex but we'll see what happens. If she can't get going (rare) she'll provide some eye candy and a boob or butt for me to take care of myself on to.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

I would have told her I was all set and I took care of business and was no longer in the mood.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> We are working it out. Had a tough but productive fight a couple days ago.:smile2:


If she's able to have sex with you* daily, *then I don't think there's anything to complain or (even fight about). :smile2: 
Sorry if I'm poking my nose where it doesn't belong, though.

Just because you're super HD, it's not her fault or (maybe) even her "duty" to satisfy your sexual desires 3-5 times a day because it's fair to think that she can't keep the sexual pleasure super high just as much as you. So yeah, finding a side-choice (MB) seems okay. It's still great that you are similar in the sexual drive, although not exactly the same :smile2:

this is for your wife! yeah..that read thing sitting there is your wife! kudos to her! You are the blue thing :grin2:
:allhail:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> I highly doubt..... if OP knows how to put his wife into this mood. Simply asking to join her in the shower for a sexual session is* not *the same as_ being flirty and making her feel loved all day long_, BEFORE asking her to join him in the shower.
> 
> Actually, if she felt loved and wanted all day long by OP, she would (most likely) join him herself, without him having to ask.


I truly appreciate your view. Fact is that I have tried everything. From constant flirting, continuous compliments, nice dates and days away together to frank discussions regarding what I have felt is a one-sided view of sex in the marriage. I've been on TAM and other sites for a while and understand what you are saying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> I truly appreciate your view. Fact is that I have tried everything. From constant flirting, continuous compliments, nice dates and days away together to frank discussions regarding what I have felt is a one-sided view of sex in the marriage. I've been on TAM and other sites for a while and understand what you are saying.


I see this as a commonplace hormonal and chemistry dearth. She simply is no longer inclined to [flatly lie] reclined.

If you don't feel it, you either fake it or decline to recline.
Duty sex or no sex is felt due.

She prefers [standing upright] to [lying about] her feelings.

Not everyone remains horny till the end.

Being able to copulate does not equal willing, does not mean the desire is also present.

Her oven has no coal, is cool, the heat knob no longer functions. 

She gives in to guilt, not to desire.

Nature is, what nature does.



Lilith-


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> I truly appreciate your view. Fact is that I have tried everything. From constant flirting, continuous compliments, nice dates and days away together to frank discussions regarding what I have felt is a one-sided view of sex in the marriage. I've been on TAM and other sites for a while and understand what you are saying.


I can see a couple of mistakes in there... but right off the bat, I saw a glaring mistake in your first post: *You sound fearful of your wife.* You don't want to be completely open and honest with her... because you're afraid of what exactly? That you will tick her off and you are scared of her emotional reaction? That you will ruin any future chances of sex? That she will know you masturbate and you don't want to experience the shame? None of these are attractive in any sense of the word. It sounds like you have hung your sense of worth (sexual and otherwise) on the shoulders of your wife, so... of course... she's resentful.

A guy completely honest, open and secure in his sexuality would have said, "Oh, well I already took care of things in the shower. Ya snooze, ya lose! Maybe next time, sexy girl!" and smacked her butt on the way out the door.

I wrote about a book you may find useful: *The Dead Bedroom Fix*. I know others on TAM have read it, so they may chime in about their experience.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> I work with a woman who really has no desire for sex anymore. Menopause has stripped her of all desire. She jokes all the time about how her husband is always after her. Another woman said "just tell him no" and she was horrified. "I can't do that...that's not what marriage is about. He needs me, and I'm there for him. He has no idea I don't want it anymore." I think a lot of wives could learn from her as she describes the rest of her marriage as very satisfying. It's very clear when you see them together that they are still very much in love after almost 30 years together. I know he's made some big sacrifices for her as well.


I still don't really get this. The idea that she's there for him, she understands his needs, and yet it's (sex) nothing to her anymore. 

I get the hormones, I get the other changes, but how can it not be meaningful or even something she desires if it brings them closer, and she recognizes it's something he enjoys? This might be a really poor analogy, but I used to not want anything to do with the kitchen. But as I realized that spending time with my wife helping to clean up, even doing the majority of the work, after a while, it made me happy. I mean I really enjoy helping her, and something that I used to run away from, took on a new meaning. It was all in the way I viewed it.

If that women enjoys what sex does for her husband and her marriage, how is it hard to go from that to enjoying the sex itself? Why doesn't the anticipation of pleasant things that come from having sex lead to sex itself being enjoyable? Obviously I'm having a tough time with this one. Partly because sex between two married people is that one thing that can't be shared with anyone else, and the emotional aspect is so much greater than the physical.

Still, it's much better that she feel good about offering herself up, happily, to her husband, than resenting his need for sex. That's 3/4 of the way there.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Casual Observer said:


> I still don't really get this. The idea that she's there for him, she understands his needs, and yet it's (sex) nothing to her anymore.
> 
> I get the hormones, I get the other changes, but how can it not be meaningful or even something she desires if it brings them closer, and she recognizes it's something he enjoys? This might be a really poor analogy, but I used to not want anything to do with the kitchen. But as I realized that spending time with my wife helping to clean up, even doing the majority of the work, after a while, it made me happy. I mean I really enjoy helping her, and something that I used to run away from, took on a new meaning. It was all in the way I viewed it.
> 
> ...


As far as your overall feeling of wellbeing and your libido, hormones are EVERYTHING. I repeat, HORMONES ARE EVERYTHING. You know how you feel right now about sex? Gimme a couple of weeks and some pharmaceutical drugs and I will make you feel repulsed about it. For many women post-menopause, they get about as excited about it as going to the car show with their hubby. They tolerate it... but they could easily do without it. They'd prefer to stay home and watch Netflix.

I don't think any woman should have sex with a man she doesn't feel attracted to, hormonally or otherwise. If the man finds out she's just phoning it in, it's worse than rejecting him completely. I would advise any woman to look into hormonal therapy. I've seen women completely transformed after a cocktail of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. It seems to be way more common over in Europe than here in the states, for whatever reason.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

dadstartingover said:


> As far as your overall feeling of wellbeing and your libido, hormones are EVERYTHING. I repeat, HORMONES ARE EVERYTHING. You know how you feel right now about sex? Gimme a couple of weeks and some pharmaceutical drugs and I will make you feel repulsed about it. For many women post-menopause, they get about as excited about it as going to the car show with their hubby. They tolerate it... but they could easily do without it. They'd prefer to stay home and watch Netflix.
> 
> I don't think any woman should have sex with a man she doesn't feel attracted to, hormonally or otherwise. If the man finds out she's just phoning it in, it's worse than rejecting him completely. I would advise any woman to look into hormonal therapy. I've seen women completely transformed after a cocktail of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. It seems to be way more common over in Europe than here in the states, for whatever reason.


Hormonal therapy is not an option for millions of post-breast-cancer women. Or those with any added risk of thrombosis. And obviously I reject the notion that desire for sex is 100% based on hormones because I have personal evidence it's not, that desire can be highly situational in a woman that's otherwise null and void in terms of desire at other times. 

We do not have to be slaves to our hormones. If we were, monogamy would be a theoretical construct that would be nearly impossible to achieve. 

Getting back to my personal experience, my wife, absent of hormones (far as we know) can have blazingly-hot orgasms. To die for orgasms. And yet no sincere desire to share in a pleasant (for me) PIV experience whatsoever. That, to me, does not sound like a 100% hormonal issue. To me, and I could be totally wrong on this, it's a mental disconnect from anticipating pleasure. She feels guilty about sexual pleasure; that is simply fact. She has to put herself into an unusual state of mind to get those orgasms. But that's just it. It's a state of mind that she can bring on, or not. Obviously hormones making you horny on a subconscious level would be a wonderful thing, but I don't have that to work with, and she doesn't require that either. 

So yes, I am rejecting the notion that hormones are "everything" because I have personal evidence they are not, and there are plenty of post-menopausal women here, not on hormonal supplements, who strongly desire and appreciate sex. This is not to deny that lack of hormones drives libido downward for most women. But let's not say it's everything.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Casual Observer said:


> We do not have to be slaves to our hormones. If we were, monogamy would be a theoretical construct that would be nearly impossible to achieve.


Ding ding ding! Exactly. The two most popular topics on relationship discussion forums are dead bedrooms and infidelity. Monogamy is hard. Humans pair bond, but humans also get tired of their one partner and look around at new mates. This is natural. 



Casual Observer said:


> Getting back to my personal experience, my wife, absent of hormones (far as we know) can have blazingly-hot orgasms. To die for orgasms. And yet no sincere desire to share in a pleasant (for me) PIV experience whatsoever.


So the idea of being sexual with another human is repulsive to her? Is it just with YOU (sorry, that's crass... but been there, done that). What exactly is she thinking about while masturbating? Have you asked her?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

dadstartingover said:


> Ding ding ding! Exactly. The two most popular topics on relationship discussion forums are dead bedrooms and infidelity. Monogamy is hard. Humans pair bond, but humans also get tired of their one partner and look around at new mates. This is natural.
> 
> 
> 
> So the idea of being sexual with another human is repulsive to her? Is it just with YOU (sorry, that's crass... but been there, done that). What exactly is she thinking about while masturbating? Have you asked her?


I didn't elaborate enough about something I still have a strange time talking about publicly... this whole thing about detailing one's sex life. It's weird. But whatever, in for an inch, in for a mile. My wife does not masturbate. Hasn't since before she met me, apparently. 42+ years. I'm the person giving her the mind-blowing orgasms, via oral. I would love for her to expand her horizons about sex and give herself an orgasm, or two, or hundred. 

My point was that her orgasms are not dependent upon hormones. If that were the case, they'd have disappeared long ago. She is more orgasmic today than she was when we married. But she's almost resentful of that fact. We're in MC and there's going to be some interesting stuff coming up shortly. Last week she admitted that she was the more-HD person at the start of our relationship. It's ironic that things were going great up until we had PIV sex. Bam. That triggered something and she never recovered. This was not a post-marriage thing. This was 2 years pre-marriage. Tomorrow's session will be interesting, because I'm going to be bringing this up. Yes, there is no good excuse for why I didn't deal with this in the way-back days. But it wasn't a hormonal issue then, and it's clearly not entirely hormonal today.

That's not to say that I can read your alpha vs beta male and not think hey, this does sound similar. She had her fun before, then settled down with me. But it's not quite that well defined, and it's more centered upon guilt than anything else.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Casual Observer said:


> I didn't elaborate enough about something I still have a strange time talking about publicly... this whole thing about detailing one's sex life. It's weird. But whatever, in for an inch, in for a mile. My wife does not masturbate. Hasn't since before she met me, apparently. 42+ years. I'm the person giving her the mind-blowing orgasms, via oral. I would love for her to expand her horizons about sex and give herself an orgasm, or two, or hundred.
> 
> My point was that her orgasms are not dependent upon hormones. If that were the case, they'd have disappeared long ago. She is more orgasmic today than she was when we married. But she's almost resentful of that fact. We're in MC and there's going to be some interesting stuff coming up shortly. Last week she admitted that she was the more-HD person at the start of our relationship. It's ironic that things were going great up until we had PIV sex. Bam. That triggered something and she never recovered. This was not a post-marriage thing. This was 2 years pre-marriage. Tomorrow's session will be interesting, because I'm going to be bringing this up. Yes, there is no good excuse for why I didn't deal with this in the way-back days. But it wasn't a hormonal issue then, and it's clearly not entirely hormonal today.
> 
> That's not to say that I can read your alpha vs beta male and not think hey, this does sound similar. She had her fun before, then settled down with me. But it's not quite that well defined, and it's more centered upon guilt than anything else.


That certainly is a unique situation. Best of luck to you, my friend.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> Chris Taylor said:
> 
> 
> > ....attempt to have sex and fake an orgasm and wrap things up.
> ...


Speed up your thrusts, then push in balls deep. Tense your pelvic floor muscles over and over to make your penis jerk/pulse, as if you are ejaculating. Then pull out.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> I still don't really get this. The idea that she's there for him, she understands his needs, and yet it's (sex) nothing to her anymore.
> 
> I think that most of the time once they get going she gets into it but if left to her own devices she would never initiate it. She views the sex they have as an expression of their love and commitment so she gives her all so to speak but if he said he was done with sex forever she’d be just fine with that. But it’s very clear in the way she speaks of him about other things that she truly loves him.
> 
> ...


I don’t really get why she wouldn’t enjoy the sex herself knowing how happy it makes her husband. I know my partners enjoyment is a major factor in my enjoyment. She says she does get into it most times so I have to assume that means she does end up enjoying it. 

At the moment I’m in the hospital. I’m posting from my phone and I think I screwed up the quote feature...sorry!!!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> Casual Observer said:
> 
> 
> > I still don't really get this. The idea that she's there for him, she understands his needs, and yet it's (sex) nothing to her anymore.
> ...


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Hope you're OK!!! Don't worry about getting quotes messed up. All the best. And thanks for the clarification.


Thanks, I’m getting better...battling a pretty aggressive cellulitis but I think I turned a corner last night.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

We solved that problem years ago, don't masturbate unless your wife knows, then there are no surprises. If she says no, tell her you are going to masturbate instead. My wife is perfectly fine with that, I get a needed release and she doesn't have to have sex when she doesn't want it.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

woodyh said:


> We solved that problem years ago, don't masturbate unless your wife knows, then there are no surprises. If she says no, tell her you are going to masturbate instead. My wife is perfectly fine with that, I get a needed release and she doesn't have to have sex when she doesn't want it.


I think that sounds quite reasonable, if your libidos are pretty well matched and you're not always having to masturbate instead of having sex. To make this arrangement can be dangerous otherwise...it sends a message to a LD wife that all is hunky dory and that her husband doesn't mind at all that she never seems to want sex with him. When I'd imagine after a while, he'd get pretty bored with just jacking off all the time and start to feel pretty rejected. 

I'm glad it works for you and your wife. I'd caution other guys against making this deal if it wouldn't be just an occasional thing. Or there are women who would interpret this deal as "he only cares about the orgasm, it's not about being with me" and that can get pretty dangerous too. I think good communication would be crucial here.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> I think that sounds quite reasonable, if your libidos are pretty well matched and you're not always having to masturbate instead of having sex. To make this arrangement can be dangerous otherwise...it sends a message to a LD wife that all is hunky dory and that her husband doesn't mind at all that she never seems to want sex with him. When I'd imagine after a while, he'd get pretty bored with just jacking off all the time and start to feel pretty rejected.
> 
> I'm glad it works for you and your wife. I'd caution other guys against making this deal if it wouldn't be just an occasional thing. Or there are women who would interpret this deal as "he only cares about the orgasm, it's not about being with me" and that can get pretty dangerous too. I think good communication would be crucial here.


I think it is the only way a HD and LD couple can get by. Would I rather I have sex? Yes, but the wife is pretty clear she has low drive and does not want sex often at all. I guess it is hunky dory if full sex isn't an option. I felt more rejected by being told no to sex all the time too.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

woodyh said:


> I think it is the only way a HD and LD couple can get by. Would I rather I have sex? Yes, but the wife is pretty clear she has low drive and does not want sex often at all. I guess it is hunky dory if full sex isn't an option. I felt more rejected by being told no to sex all the time too.


Agreed, I just see some pitfalls couples can fall into...as I said good communication would be needed. There seem to be SO many women who take it personally if their partner masturbates...they feel it's the same as cheating. I've also heard women say "I told him he could masturbate whenever he wants so now I don't have to put out anymore" and both of those scenarios can lead to a damaged marriage. Good communication can help prevent that is all I'm saying. Because I can't imagine a guy would be happy with only masturbating for the rest of his life and a woman who feels cheated on is going to be very unhappy. But if these things are discusses and agreed upon it can work out very well.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> It's our job, as husbands, to make sure our wives understand that they are our one true love and that wrinkles, extra weight, a seriously botched up breast reconstruction after a mastectomy, whether the lights are on or off that is the most beautiful woman in the world to you. Because she is. She lights up your life. And if that's not the case, or if she doesn't get that, you have problems that need to be addressed. Problems and issues that didn't suddenly happen when you got to a certain age, but have likely been there all along.





notmyrealname4 said:


> Beautiful sentiment; but I don't agree with it for a moment.
> 
> If that's how you actually feel about your wife, then that's great for her and you.





Casual Observer said:


> That's a harsh indictment of men in general. To say you don't agree with it makes it sound like you think it's universally true and part of our nature.




Once more, if that's how you feel about your wife's body; no matter how ravaged it is by age, childbearing or lack of exercise, then kudos to you.

I think the VAST majority of women in porn, the constant rating of women on a scale of 1-10, the gleeful denigration of women "hitting the wall"when they start to lose their looks at 30+. Well, it seems to me that men are repulsed by any sign of imperfection or degradation in their wives' bodies. And aren't too shy about pointing it out to her either.

Like I said, I won't get fooled again.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> Had an interesting occurrence last weekend and was wondering how some of you guys would have reacted (women can reply since I'd like your take on it).
> 
> My wife and I have been struggling sex-wise. Our libidos are way out of whack. While I'd like to have sex twice a week, she would like it at most twice a month to once every two months. As a result I masturbate to take care of myself. Sex between us only happens during weekend, and only in the morning after we shower.
> 
> ...



"Sheet, babe, I felt so rejected by you and was so horny i just 'did the deed'* while in the bathroom thinking of you stradling my 'pee-pee'*. I cant come now as i just did alone, but we can help each other with the stradling part." *grab her and kiss her*

*Please add the crudest names there and she may feel butterflies.

Or something. Dont feel embarassed! She is your wife! If you let to tell her in the middle of a boring deed she will feel its an excuse you are giving for not being attracted to her, if you dont offer the excuse she will think you are not atracted to her, if you dont go to bed you will both fall in the passibe agressive rejection of each other and she will think you are not atracted to her. All your options are bad.

Upfront, saying the truth sounding between crude and sexy and putting her self-esteem up is the best option. It break walls!


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Ps: NEVER ask for sex from a woman before 'tongue-phuking' her mouth until she is trembling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Amazing kissing is the most important part of a woman sexuality!!!!!!!!! 
I cant stress how important it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

((This is a crutial rule that I bet every cad knows and uses all the time to woo from virgins to married women away from their panties.))

Start sweet kissing going then to crude and brutal with lots of grabbing and gropping and PRESSING (sometimes taking long delicious minutes and sometimes in 10 seconds). If you sneak behind the kids back (that adds excitment) and manage to do this every morning before work you will be "divorce protected" and she will be way most likelly to have sex with you later when you are back from work and kiss her again and SAY you will have sex in the lines of "i cant wait to #### you" or "i cant wait to take your panties off" or something.

And NEVER EVER EVER lose an oportunity of pressing your crotch behind her while she is cooking or washing the dishes and breath behind her ear sweet nothings (or how her behind are round and perfect, or how tight she is or something) or kiss her neck. Sometimes finish with a good old slap. She will complain but will feel pornstar material (thats what you will aim for her to feel). That will forever "affair proof" your marriage, no kidding. Hahaha. I will just add that a woman likes romance, everybody knows, but always getting her off first, long sex and stuff is boring AF! 
(Idk,I just have a feeling that you need to hear this. If not im really sorry) 
Sometimes a woman enjoy being used by her husband for a quicky and will feel awesome that "she made" him climax so fast he even forgot her. It so doesnt seem like it, but she will get a thrill of being irresistible, and that will stroke her ego way more than any orgasm ever will, she will remember this days later (ive heard women talk about it), so sometimes just be animalistic and FAST and forget her side. If you manage both sides (the sweet and the animalistic) you will be both the hubby and the cad and thats a good thing.

Good luck!


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

You are right, I think there are a lot of wives that would just rather their husband masturbate and not bother them for sex. You are also correct that most guys aren't too happy about it!


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