# Totally over my spouse



## PatsFan217 (Nov 14, 2011)

*History:*
My wife and I met four years ago at the restaurant where we worked. She was in her final semester of university and I was out of high school for a few years, just working at the restaurant. She got into medical school a few months into our relationship and I ended up moving with her when her classes started in the fall. Since then, we have pretty much been each other's only real source of interaction.

Throughout our relationship, there have been several occasions where I have wanted to leave her. I feel like she is too controlling and says things so that she sounds good but will then reneg on her promises when the time comes. Whenever she gets the hint that I am unhappy, she is on her best behavior for as long as it takes for me to change my mind, then it goes right back to how it used to be.

In addition to her control issues, she is incredibly jealous. At one point, I was not allowed to add any girls that I worked with as Facebook friends. She is very insecure and needy and acts like any time I want five minutes to myself, I am being some kind of monster.

I have been on antidepressants for about a year now. She suggested I start taking them because the only I reason I could possibly be unhappy with our relationship is if I had some kind of mental illness (paraphrasing).

*Situation:*
Nothing has really brought these feelings on; I can't really point to a single incident and be like "That's it!" I think it is just a combination of everything.

She is about to finish Med School and start her residency and I am months away from beginning Law School and I think its kind of a "now or never" type thing. Do I really want to commit to a cross country move with her if I am this unsure?

Our life used to consist of her and I going to school/work, coming home, watching TV, and going to bed. However, my therapist suggested we get some kind of hobbies so we started doing martial arts and I have recently become a bit of a firearms enthusiast. 

Whenever I am in class, or shooting my gun, or even at work lately, I feel happy and calm and in control. But whenever I am at home with her, I just feel nothing at all. I still love her as a person and would never want anything bad to happen to her, but I am just miserable whenever she is around.

She keeps insisting that it is "just my depression," but if I was depressed, why do I only feel crummy when she is around? If I was depressed, I would hate doing martial arts, hate shooting guns, hate going to work, and hate spending time with her. I doubt I have some kind of ultra rare depression that makes me only dislike my spouse.

We were seeing our pastor at church and trying to fix this, and it was going alright. I was putting in effort so that I could know I did everything I could to save this, but the other day she completely turned him against me.

I had just gotten home from work when she called and said she was at the pastor's and I should join them. As soon as I sit down, the pastor gives a big talk about how I can't let my mood about the world affect the way I feel about my wife and my love doesn't go away because "I'm having a bad day."

Needless to say, I was a little angry about this. Not only was I completely ambushed by this, but I hate that my feelings are being completely dismissed as just part of my "depression." My brother was talking to me not long ago and said "Have you ever considered that she's the reason you're depressed in the first place?"

Which brings me to another point. I have mentioned my thoughts to a very select few of my friends and relatives and they all respond with "We didn't want to say anything, but we thought you shouldn't have married her." Not one has said "Oh no, you guys are great."

I don't want it to be over, I don't. She really is a great girl, but my feelings for her are just completely gone and I doubt they are coming back. Are we really meant to be if I have this much uncertainty? Am I really meant to be with her if I keep thinking about leaving her so much?

I guess I am just looking for input here. She always fights and claws to the death whenever I think of leaving, but I really don't think its ME she is fighting for so much as the idea of marriage itself and the thought of moving completely alone. I have often thought she was more in love with the idea of me than me.

Any thoughts?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

PatsFan217 said:


> *History:*
> whenever I am at home with her, I just feel nothing at all
> 
> I was a little angry about this
> ...


I believe that people feel the way they act rather than act the way they feel. Act angry, feel angry. Act dismissed, feel dismissed. Act blah, feel blah.

Consciously make yourself act the way you want to feel, like in love for example. You might be surprised how soon you start to feel a lot of new things.

Also, please be aware that big life changes like graduation and starting a career are very challenging for relationships.


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## PatsFan217 (Nov 14, 2011)

I've heard this stuff before in therapy and I went along with it for a while, but it really just doesn't work for us. Rather than let me try and make it work, she just gets all worked up because I'm faking it in the first place.

And how long am I supposed to "fake it till I make it?" It just feels so... wrong. I mean life is too short to be so miserable.

You are right... I DO still have feelings around my wife, but none of them are pleasant. Most of the time, I just want her to go away. The worst is when she acts like nothing is wrong and gets all mad at me for not acting all lovey dovey toward her. Where has she been the past few months?

I dunno, I just feel like it isn't worth it. We've been down this road twice before (before we were married) and she acted perfect and did everything to make me think she would finally give a little and let me have an equal say in our marriage and not feel like her "employee." 

But it always goes back to me having to itemize every purchase I make, not being allowed to do things I want while she's home so she can spend every waking second with me, not being allowed to even text my friends and family while she's around because "I should be paying attention to her!"

Give me a break. In her mind, the problem is all in my head and I am crazy for wanting anything different. The change all has to come from me. Like I said before, I was totally for trying to make it work, but that stunt trying to get the pastor to convince me that I'm just depressed really just proved it for me.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Yeah, one is always the "hot one" and the other is the "cold one". This is a test of your will.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

PatsFan217- May I suggest some individual counseling? It might also be helpful to seek a discreet medical opinion regarding your medication. By discreet, I mean "don't tell your wife what you're doing." If an independent doctor, not influenced by your wife, concludes you are depressed, then you are probably depressed. But make the doctor be the one to reach that assessment- don't tell him you are already on antidepressants, just go in for a visit to talk about your concern that you may be depressed.

You actually may be clinically depressed, but from what you write your marriage is not providing an antidote to your depression. 

And letting your wife run your life like she is will end badly for you. If you truly have to itemize and account for every purchase you make to maintain domestic tranquility, then possibly the wrong spouse is being medicated. 

I recommend you do some online research on "Manning Up." You need to assert some freedom and independence in your relationship, while you still have it.

And it may just be that the marriage can't be fixed. The votes of no-confidence from friends and family are probably the best indicators you will receive about the marriage."

Good luck to you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PatsFan, welcome to the TAM forum. The behavior you describe exhibits some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). These include the controlling behavior, inability to trust (jealousy), fear of abandonment, and clinging/neediness. Yet, if your W has mild to strong traits of BPD, you would be noticing a pattern that includes other traits as well -- traits (e.g., black-white thinking) that you have not mentioned. I therefore suggest that you read about the nine BPD traits to see if most of them sound familiar.

An easy place to start reading, here on this forum, is my description of BPD traits in Husky's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/34222-thinking-giving-up.html#post472524. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it further with you, PatsFan. I am not a psychologist. Rather, I am just a man who lived with a BPDer exW for 15 years. Like you, I met her when she was working in a restaurant.


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