# My marriage has imploded in the last month - need advice



## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

Hi all,

This is my first post here, and I am just hoping to get some third party/unbiased advice and perspective about my marriage.

A month ago my husband sat down with me and told me he needed to leave the marriage. That he was unhappy, had been unhappy for awhile and that he loved me, but was no longer in love with me. While I knew our marriage was not perfect, this was a complete shock. I had no idea he was not happy, no idea he was considering divorce. In fact, that was the first time the "d" word had been brought up EVER. I was, understandably, devastated. We have been married for 6 years and have been with him since I was 21 years old (he is 33, just for reference, and I am now 29).

After the talk he left and went to spend the night with friends. The following day we talked more and he agreed to seek counceling and not make any permanant decisions for at least 30 days - I was wondering if he might be suffering from depression or something along those lines. He slept on the couch for a week, and things were super ackward. But slowly we started getting into a rhythm again. He came back to bed. We started making plans and going and doing things together. We laughed and held hands. He even said that he was feeling much more optimistic about our marriage. He bought tickets to a concert in March - for us to attend together.

Then last night he told me that he is no longer sexually attracted to me, and that he is not arroused by me. He cried when he told me, and told me that he loves me very much, but he does not want to have sex with me. I have gained a lot of weight since we were married, so I get it. I know he is not doing it to be an ass. Unfortunately I have struggled with an eating disorder for many years and have a condition (PCOS) that makes weightloss hard. I am in counseling for myself and my eating issues, and am determined to lose the weight. But do you think my marriage can be saved?

We fight, but not all the time. I would say a healthy amount. We are best friends, and have a blast all the time.
No infidelity.
Same life goals for the most part and same outlook on life, religion, politics ect (with enough very minor differences to make it interesting)

I am just so lost. My marriage was always something I thought I could count on. I just don't know where to go from here.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

I really dont have any advice but to stick with counseling. It was the best thing I ever did during my divorce.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Is he having an affair?


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

I do not believe he is having an affair. No gut feeling, and no signs that I can think of, other than the obvious lack of sex.

Like I said, we are still 100% best friends and spend a lot of time together. And despite the revelation that he is not attracted to me, he is going to keep going to counseling and he says he still wants to work on it for now. I doubt that would be the case if he was cheating. There have been many nights we have lied in bed, held each other, and cried within the last couple of weeks.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

That does not mean he's not cheating, or at least thinking about it. JMO


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

I promise I am not delusional in that respect. In fact, one of the first things I asked him is if there was someone else or if he had been cheating on me. I just have no reason to think that is the case...yet. If anything changes I will certainlly re-evaluate.

I love my husband very much, and want this to work more than anything. But I am also independent enough and with the financial resources to live on my own if need be. Cheating would not fly.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Does he text alot?

Does he hide his phone? Is it password protected?

Is he on the computer alot?

Does he go into another room, or outside, to talk on his phone?

Does he work late? Go to work early? Travel?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's cheating on you.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

turnera said:


> He's cheating on you.


But....but...she asked and he said NO!


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

Does he text a lot? No - and I have access to all phone records. And have checked.

Does he hide his phone? Is it password protected? His phone is password protected, but I have the password. Never hides it.

Is he on the computer alot? On his phone a lot, but we both are. 

Does he go into another room, or outside, to talk on his phone? Nope.

Does he work late? Go to work early? Travel? No (I am the one with the long work hours). Does not travel for work either. He leaves for work before me, but his hours are earlier than mine.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just replace cheating for MLC and he for she...


> Chapter 1 – Choosing the correct speech
> These are the basic speeches for you to choose from:
> 
> I care for you, but I don’t love you anymore.
> ...


ILYBINILWY « Just Another Journey


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

He also does nto hang out with friends that often. Has a "guys day" maybe once a month.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go read this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/25126-you-just-got-dumped.html


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

So he's just not that into you, unfortunately.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may be lucky. He may just be infatuated with someone he hasn't even approached yet. Sometimes that's all it takes for him to 'wake up' and realize his marriage is a sham, that this other woman is really what he should have pursued, yada yada.

You need to do some research.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Look, Dev, all you can really do is focus on yourself. Get yourself healthy and lose the weight, if that's what you want to do. Start doing nice things for yourself, go on walks, get pedicures, just pamper yourself. Stop focusing on him, and focus on you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not if he's cheating. If he's cheating, she needs to fight the affair; it won't go away on its own.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Or he may just be done with her altogether.


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## VictoriaWinters (Oct 22, 2012)

I think that you need to realize that your weight gain has nothing to do with what your husband is saying. Your weight is an excuse your husband is using. Either he is saying this to try to force you to lose weight (i.e. control you) OR he is truly no longer invested in your marriage for some other reason and has decided to leave. It is possible that he is actually going through a midlife crisis - some men hit that earlier than others - such as in their early 40's.

Your husband made a vow to you "For Better or for Worse, in Sickness or in Health" and he has now chosen to break this vow and even worse, he's blaming you for him breaking it claiming it is because you gained weight which is BS. HE is the one who made the vow to you, voluntarily. You didn't force him to do that. And now he is the one who is breaking it voluntarily. 

I want you to understand that you are a good and decent person who has done nothing to deserve this treatment by him. Sure, you gained weight, but you may well also lose weight. So, in the midst of this, your husband decides he wants a divorce. Well, thank goodness you don't have kids, which would make this more complicated. 

Part of what I'm telling you is from my own experience. I was once a 21 year old who dated a 33 year old man who said he wanted to marry me, but he had all these issues - like I might gain weight when I got older or I was putting him under too much pressure to take me to social functions - you know like a company Christmas party or whatever. Still we had a lot of fun together. Anyway, I finally realized this guy was not going to marry me and I got out of the relationship after 2 years and met my husband who is closer to my own age - he's just 4 years older than me. I realized later that the 33 year old man was primarily interested in me because I was so much younger than him and very pretty and that, although he seemed to be my BFF at the time, he and I really didn't have all that much in common. He wasn't a bad person, he just wasn't the right person. And I think that's where you are right now. 

You need to value yourself and realize that there are plenty of men out there who would value you. Your husband, unfortunately, doesn't have the wherewithal to be in a marriage for the long-haul apparently. That's probably why he got married in his 30's (or was he divorced when you met him as my 33-year old boyfriend was?) The other thing...if your husband was divorced before, that tends to make it easier for people to chose to end relationships if they are not going exactly as they want them to go.

I think that underlying this situation is the fact that you have grown up. You're not a 21 year old young girl anymore, you are a mature woman who has come into her own. You mention that you argue - in otherwords, you challenge your husband. It may be that he can't handle that. If you think back to when you were 21, did you argue much back then? I don't know if this is true of your situation or not, just suggesting ideas as to what may be going on with your husband.

Finally I want to say to you, whatever happens, it's not your fault. Your husband has created this situation, but you don't have to put up with it. No matter what, try to remain civil and always, always remember that you are a person of worth, morals and ethics. You didn't break your vows to your husband, he is the one who failed you.


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

Thank you Victoria.

To clear a couple of things up - I met my hsband when I was 21 (almost 22) and he was 26. First marriage for both of us. I am currently 29 and he is currently 33, so no crazy age difference. 

He is currently still very present in our marriage and in our relationship. He is also currently in counseling by himself, then we plan on going together after he has a few sessions.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

How much weight have you put on? While others are focusing on cheating, I'm going to focus on the weight gain. Threads on this forum where the husband is no longer attracted to the wife get pages & pages of responses.

Is he a fitness fanatic?


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## VictoriaWinters (Oct 22, 2012)

dev01, 
Have the two of you had any conflicts regarding children and careers? 

I don't think that your husband is cheating, but even though you are fairly close together in age, I'm wondering if the fact that you have matured may be a factor in this? Are you more successful than him career-wise? 

Also, just adding on to Emerald's thoughts - do you live somewhere where there is an extreme emphasis on appearance such as LA?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree that weight gain is often a MAJOR instigator for men looking for other women. We are visual creatures and if you're no longer looking like his 'type' he may not overlook it.


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

I have gained a significant amount, close to 60lbs in the last 7 years. It is a giant struggle for me. He is not a fitness or healthy eating fanatic by any means, but he is slim and has never struggled with weight.

We have not had any significant conflicts regardnig children or careers - the only thing I can think of is that I was ready for kids earlier than he was. 

I am more successful in my career than he is, and am the primary breadwinner, although he doesn't do horrible for himself.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

dev01 said:


> I have gained a significant amount, close to 60lbs in the last 7 years. It is a giant struggle for me. He is not a fitness or healthy eating fanatic by any means, but he is slim and has never struggled with weight.
> 
> We have not had any significant conflicts regardnig children or careers - the only thing I can think of is that I was ready for kids earlier than he was.
> 
> I am more successful in my career than he is, and am the primary breadwinner, although he doesn't do horrible for himself.


Thanks for answering. Were you slim before? starting weight?

I think your husband is being honest. I know it hurts but the truth sometimes does. Do you think if you lose the weight, you could save the marriage?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IDK. I would have to tell him I don't accept this, and he needs to give me a true explanation for why he's checking out of this marriage. I wouldn't be bouncing all kinds of ideas and assumptions around in my head... he needs to clear up the confusion and he needs to do it now. Don't accept "I'm unhappy. I'm not attracted to you anymore' because there's MORE to it than that.


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## VictoriaWinters (Oct 22, 2012)

Do you think that your weight gain may be linked to your career? I know that when you travel a ton for business or regularly entertain clients it is tough to keep to a diet - been there, done that myself! Restaurant food is not known for being the most low calorie. I used to just eat once a day on business trips - usually dinner since I would be taking clients out and still I gained a lot of weight. 

Your husband may feel like your career has taken you away from him. Some men get into irrational thinking if their wife is more successful than them professionally. Not all men, but some men feel this way and this might be really hard for your husband to admit. This doesn't mean you should change jobs by any means, but it is just something to consider as a possible root cause of the problem.

And I agree with A Bit Much and what she's saying - I would insist your husband give you a true explanation. Women gain and lose weight all the time. Look at Jessical Simpson - she gained 60lbs having her first baby and the weight is coming off slowly but surely - her fiance is not dumping her...


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

Emerald: Yes, when we met I was slim. I still had major issues with food, but I weighed about 155 when we met (I am 5'8) and now am about 215. I do think I could save the marriage if I lose the weight (if it is really just the weight), but after so many failed attemps to do so I struggle with believing in myself in this one aspect of my life.

A Bit Much: He is in counseling right now so that he can give me the answers to those questions. He says that he is unhappy with many aspects of his life and has a hard time pinpointing any one thing. He knows that counseling is a "must do" in order to save our marriage.


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

VictoriaWinters said:


> Do you think that your weight gain may be linked to your career? I know that when you travel a ton for business or regularly entertain clients it is tough to keep to a diet - been there, done that myself! Restaurant food is not known for being the most low calorie. I used to just eat once a day on business trips - usually dinner since I would be taking clients out and still I gained a lot of weight.
> 
> Your husband may feel like your career has taken you away from him. Some men get into irrational thinking if their wife is more successful than them professionally. Not all men, but some men feel this way and this might be really hard for your husband to admit. This doesn't mean you should change jobs by any means, but it is just something to consider as a possible root cause of the problem.


WEight gain certainly isn't helped by my career! Very high stress industry, with a cafe full of unhealthy food easily accesable. Plus I sit on my rear all day  ut my food issues are deeper than that - I was dx with compulsive eating disorder (aka binge eating) and it has been a constant struggle in my life. To be fair to H, he did not know about it when we got married. I used to be incredibly ashamed of it, and hid it from him well. He knows everything now (and has for awhile).


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't think it's just the weight. That sounds like an excuse to me. More often than not I have seen on this site that the "I'm not attracted/in love" is because of an emotional
Affair or physical affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Well if he's in counseling to help answer your questions, I'm not sure what advice you're looking for here. I've never been one to accept I DONT KNOW as an answer to any problem. Basically that's all he's given you.


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## VictoriaWinters (Oct 22, 2012)

dev01 said:


> WEight gain certainly isn't helped by my career! Very high stress industry, with a cafe full of unhealthy food easily accesable. Plus I sit on my rear all day  ut my food issues are deeper than that - I was dx with compulsive eating disorder (aka binge eating) and it has been a constant struggle in my life. To be fair to H, he did not know about it when we got married. I used to be incredibly ashamed of it, and hid it from him well. He knows everything now (and has for awhile).


I don't know if you have tried this diet, but what worked for me was Jenny Craig. You have to stick to it EXACTLY and I mean eat ONLY their foods whether you like them or not. You basically have to give yourself over to the process, but when you do, you will be rewarded by losing weight on a consistent basis. It was hard for me to do this, BUT, it worked and I lost about 10lbs per month, sometimes more. I think one reason this particular diet might help you is that you only eat what you buy from them plus yogurt, fruit and certain non-starchy veggies, so it is highly structured. The other thing, you will have a counselor you can call if you get in a rough patch and need to be talked out of eating something you should not. And going in for a weekly weigh in does actually help keep you honest on the diet - at least, that's what I found for me. The counselors are nice and really non-judgemental and have experience with this sort of issue.

Of course, being under stress is going to set off a binge eating episode and I think you could benefit from counseling to understand exactly what your triggers are. The key is to keep those foods out of your home and to not allow yourself access to them anywhere else. Then you need a coping device for your trigger - so that if you feel like binge eating you go do something completely incompatible with binge eating instead - such a swimming or shopping in stores not connected to food places - anything you enjoy that has nothing to do with food until the urge to binge passes. You may need to consider only keeping a 1 day supply of food in the house and basically buying only groceries for the evening and next breakfast and lunch each day until you get a handle on this situation. Also, there's nothing wrong with rewarding yourself. For example, if you are on a diet and you stick exactly to it for 1 week, at the end of the week, go get yourself a facial or massage or a new pair of earrings or whatever non-food reward you want! 

Still and all, binge eating disorder is NOT a valid reason for divorce. Your husband should be trying to help you through this, not lay down ultimatums that will only make things worse.

And I want you to know I don't think poorly of you for having binge eating disorder. There are really two aspects to this problem. One is that it is a coping mechanism for stress. Some people bite their nails, some people use exercise, you happen to binge. There is also a physiological component such as menstruation and/or there may be some vitamin or mineral imbalance in your system that is contributing to this which is why it is important that you take care of yourself and take a daily multivitamin. You can get better, I promise you. I want you to know I believe in you and that there is help available for this problem. Don't feel that you cannot lose the weight, you can.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dev01 said:


> A Bit Much: He is in counseling right now so that he can give me the answers to those questions.


No, he's not. He's TELLING you he's going to counseling for that reason (if he's really even going). He's going to counseling so that HE can figure out how to make HIMSELF happy.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If the marriage is a priority, then you should be going to marriage counseling. TOGETHER.


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> No, he's not. He's TELLING you he's going to counseling for that reason (if he's really even going). He's going to counseling so that HE can figure out how to make HIMSELF happy.


WEll obviously that is a part of it. I want him to figure out how to be happy - I dont want to be married to someone who is miserable. I didn't mean to imply that the only reason he goes to counseling is so answer my questions lol

And yes, we plan on doing marriage counseling. Which he is on board with 100%.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

dev01 said:


> WEll obviously that is a part of it. I want him to figure out how to be happy - I dont want to be married to someone who is miserable. I didn't mean to imply that the only reason he goes to counseling is so answer my questions lol
> 
> And yes, we plan on doing marriage counseling. Which he is on board with 100%.


Thanks for your honesty. You sound like a smart, kind woman & maybe that is what your husband is struggling with. I think he loves you but is not sexually attracted to you right now with the weight gain.

To be honest, my husband is a great guy. He found me at Match weighing 135, was attracted to my picture FIRST...then the profile. If I weighed in at 195, he would never have contacted me & most certainly wouldn't have dated me & he is not shallow at all.

Do you want to lose the weight?


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Thanks for your honesty. You sound like a smart, kind woman & maybe that is what your husband is struggling with. I think he loves you but is not sexually attracted to you right now with the weight gain.
> 
> To be honest, my husband is a great guy. He found me at Match weighing 135, was attracted to my picture FIRST...then the profile. If I weighed in at 195, he would never have contacted me & most certainly wouldn't have dated me & he is not shallow at all.
> 
> Do you want to lose the weight?


I do. I really really do. It was the main reason I started counseling (back before all of this happened) - to get my issues under control. It is a vicious cycle - I am unhappy with my physical appearance, which makes me sad, which makes me want to eat. Rinse and repeat. I am working on breaking that cycle - and if we are being honest, I need to stop being lazy. I work long hours and often use that as an excuse, but it is not.

And thank you for the kind words.


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

Thank you all for the responses. I am not sure what I was looking for by posting here, but I do know that it was nice to lay it all out there for some strangers and get feedback, even if it was not what I wanted to hear.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you investigated to see if he is where he says he is all the time? It only takes 15 minutes to stop by and see someone on the way home. I'm not trying to frighten you, but you seem to be ignoring the affair advice. If one IS going on, waiting doesn't work.


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> Have you investigated to see if he is where he says he is all the time? It only takes 15 minutes to stop by and see someone on the way home. I'm not trying to frighten you, but you seem to be ignoring the affair advice. If one IS going on, waiting doesn't work.


I have not ignored it, but I am also not going to go on a crazy snooping spree because it will drive ME crazy and could arode the trust that we have right now - all for what could be nothing.

But I am able to verify his location 90% of the time. We work for the same company (in different divisions and buildings, but right next door to each other), so I can tell when he is at work. The only time I really don't know is when he goes out with his friends (or when I am out with mine) - but that is not very often. I have also checked the phone records and nothing suspicious at all. We are usually together all weekend, besides grocery shopping or other little errands like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Working with any women?


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

Yes- we work for a large corporation with thousands of employees, so he does work with women.

Look, if he wanted to have an affair he could have one. Anyone could find a sliver of time to do it, right? All I can go by is what I know, and it does not seem like he is having an affair to me. If that changes, I will certainly pursue it more, as I am not some wilting flower that will stand by and just hope he stops.


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## VictoriaWinters (Oct 22, 2012)

dev01, 
In the end, each of us can only be responsible for our own happiness. Whatever is causing your husband to be unhappy is coming from inside himself. The most important thing here is that your recognize that you are not the cause of your husband's issues. Perhaps your marriage will not work out - because of him. Whatever happens, please don't take it out on yourself. You have not done anything wrong. Remember that.

I doubt your husband is having an affair. I think this is something else entirely and it really has little to do with you. You didn't mention if his parents are divorced? Often adults who are from a broken home will cope with issues in their own marriage by divorcing because they simply don't have the right skills and wherewithal to get through rough patches in a relationship.


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## dev01 (Oct 22, 2012)

Yes, his parents are divorced. His dad also died of AIDS when he was 16 (they were divorced prior to that) and his Grandma - his Dad's mom, passed just a few months ago. He is also estranged from his half-brother because he went off the deepend and has been in and out of rehab, jail ect. 

He gets alone well with his Mom and step-dad now, but I am not suer if he ever dealt with everything. Which is why I thought individual counseling on top of marriage counseling was very important. Honestly, the first thing I thought of when all this started is that he may be dealing with depression issues - but obviously that is not for me to diagnose.

I am lucky tht I have a great support system - awesome friends and I am very close with my family. But I love my husband, and I just don't want to give up until we have really given this a fair shot.


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## VictoriaWinters (Oct 22, 2012)

dev01, under the circumstances, I think counseling, both individual and as a couple is the right thing to do. With your husband's family background I would not be surprised if he is suffering from depression either. Sometimes people push away the best thing in their life if they are depressed because they feel they don't deserve happiness. To some extent, he may be testing you to see how much sh!t you'll take because if you leave, then he will have proven to himself that he's unworthy and there is no one he can trust to stay in his life. You might discuss that with the counselor. 

The main thing is that if your husband is depressed, if he threatens to kill himself, that is a medical emergency and you need to get him to the nearest emergency room and tell the doctor exactly what he has been saying. Take any threat like that very seriously. The thing about depression is that it is as fatal as cancer. Many people don't realize this and they think, "Oh, he's just depressed, he'll get over it." When in fact the person has a chemical imbalance in their brain that is causing them to believe that their life is hopeless and that things will never get better and that they don't deserve to live and then they make a terrible decision and attempt suicide. Unfortunately, many people are embarassed about depression and think it is a "mental illness" when in fact, it is really the same as any other illness and it is very treatable through medication.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or if they feel they have a better option waiting...


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