# Frustrated



## garfield24 (Jun 2, 2009)

I am engaged to be married in one month and we are in the process of buying our first house together. We have been dating for 1 1/2 years and I have always had a problem with his drinking. I thought I could learn to live with it since he is not violent and doesn't drive anywhere, he's just a little annoying. He doesn't even get drunk every time but he has to drink every day. He says he doesn't but I think it's just a trained response now. He can range from 2 to 8 beers or mixed drinks a day. His work scheduled changes all the time. If he works nights he won't drink if he works the next day. But that's 2 days a week without it. He has promised to not drink so much and he gets defensive mad at me if I say anything. He will turn it around on me and find something I do he hates. I don't mind having a drink with him but not every single day. 

Last week while he was making another drink I said something (big mistake) and he just went off on how fat I am and on and on. I was so hurt I couldn't talk to him for days. He says just get over it and he didn't mean it. Why would you say that if you didn't mean it? Anyways, he says that I jump all over him for things that mean nothing. And maybe I do but I feel if I don't explain myself he won't listen. Then we talk over each other and so it turns into a screaming match. Last night we fought again on something he thinks is nothing but I disagree and now he won't talk to me at all. 

We both are overweight and on medication so we barely have a sex life or any intimacy. Medication has killed our libido so I can live with sex once a month for now. 

I know we have huge communication issues and we are both under a lot of stress with the wedding and house but what do I do? I've asked him what can I do to help him not drink every day, (no answer). He says not to nag at him all the time about everything. I can't help thinking I'm walking into a huge mistake but I love him and don't want to be with anyone else. I don't know why I have such a problem with his drinking. My parents always have had drinks starting at 4:00 until the end of dinner but that never bothered me. 

When we met he was making bets with bookies and was in major debt. Now he has almost eliminated the debt, but I have caught him 3 times lying to me saying that he's stopped. I think he's stopped because there's nothing to bet on now. He uses the excuse of trying to make money for "us". The bookie has been replaced with online poker now. I did catch him throwing away alot of money into this and he swears he doesn't do it anymore. I believe him on that cause with a wedding and new house we really don't have any extra money. 

Thanks for reading my rant. I hope I make some sense. Is this just stress? Do we get a 3rd person to teach us to communicate? I feel overwhelmed and lost, help!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

you are planning to marry a guy with a drinking problem... hey guess what...
his getting married will not reform his ways, he actually may get worse.

from your own words, you are marrying the wrong person. My advice: run while you can and before you make a huge mistake.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

preso said:


> you are planning to marry a guy with a drinking problem... hey guess what...
> his getting married will not reform his ways, he actually may get worse.


Guaranteed.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Man, I'd postpone the wedding! Don't do this right now. It won't get better with the rings and paper. 

Sounds like he's a light alcoholic. I drink almost daily, too...but quit after a couple of fingers. He won't change (and you can't make him) until or unless he admits it is a problem.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

You might not like what I'm going to tell you but you need to cancel this wedding. Your relationship is in no shape to go through with marriage. Your fiancee may have a drinking problem. His treatment of you is questionable at best and at times very disrespectful. It would be a HUGE mistake to marry at this time. Couples councelling is the first step to decide if you should get married or stay together at all. See how keen he is. Open, honest communication is one BIG must for any relationship let alone a marriage. I'm afraid if you two do marry it will only end in heartache and divorce. It's good you see the red flags now while you still are in a position to not dig yourself any deeper. Good Luck.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

1nurse said:


> You might not like what I'm going to tell you but you need to cancel this wedding. Your relationship is in no shape to go through with marriage. Your fiancee may have a drinking problem. His treatment of you is questionable at best and at times very disrespectful. It would be a HUGE mistake to marry at this time. Couples councelling is the first step to decide if you should get married or stay together at all. See how keen he is. Open, honest communication is one BIG must for any relationship let alone a marriage. I'm afraid if you two do marry it will only end in heartache and divorce. It's good you see the red flags now while you still are in a position to not dig yourself any deeper. Good Luck.


:iagree:


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Look at the post times! We were all responding at nearly the same time!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well that was uncalled for. No matter what one's body type, we all have problems. She is trying to make her life better. As are we all.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

hellobro said:


> Sounds like both of you need to crawl in a hole and die. Obesity sickens me.


hellobro.. I have seen you post on more than one occasion in a angry, hurtful, mean and disrespectful way. Your rude comments are not needed here. Maybe the next time you find the urge to type something unwanted, you should sit on your hands and move away from the keyboard instead. 

I think you have some anger or judgemental issues you need to seek counsel for.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Do not marry an alcoholic. And an illgal gambler to boot?

You will set yourself for pain as an enabler.

The other health problems can be addressed too, but this one is a deal killer.

That is an excessive amount of mixed drinks per day. There will be a day soon when he can't function at work and /or gets pulled over DUI.

I would step back from buying a house with him.

The bargain you may make is for him to be sober a year before you consider this.

Remove the booze from the house. No gambling either.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It is so obvious that this is not healthy for you that i'm sure the others feel as I do: what can we do to help her help herself? This would be a great time for you to call a halt to ALL plans--buying the house, wedding, etc. And then, focus on yourself--your health, your weight (if it contributes to your medical problems, otherwise, don't worry about it!). Please get some individual counseling--why would you want to be with someone like this? Why would you accept someone with such serious flaws? Clearly he has an addictive personality and the only way around that is total sobriety of ALL types--no drinking/drugs/gambling/porn, etc. Maybe he can turn things around--but that is NOT your problem. You are a worthwhile person who clearly deserves to be loved, so why settle for so much less? 

His drinking is not moderate, by the way. Anything more than 2 drinks/day for a man is considered HEAVY drinking and has serious health consequences. He needs help but until he admits he has a problem, he's miles from even starting that journey. You could do him a huge favor by taking a stand for yourself and forcing him to realize what he loses by continuing to live in denial. If not, you will have moved on.


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## garfield24 (Jun 2, 2009)

Seems everyone here thinks I should leave him. He drinks daily but doesn't get drunk and he's not mean. I can't leave him for that. Like I said before, he doesn't drive anywhere. It's just lately we have been fighting alot and I need advice on how we can communicate better.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

garfield24 said:


> Seems everyone here thinks I should leave him. He drinks daily but doesn't get drunk and he's not mean. I can't leave him for that. Like I said before, he doesn't drive anywhere. It's just lately we have been fighting alot and I need advice on how we can communicate better.


Yes, you can. You don't have to wait until he's a full-fledged alcoholic who has ruined your credit rating, etc., to leave. YOU AREN'T MARRIED YET!!! Why take on this risk? It's a bad sign, his daily drinking. What if you had kids--could you trust him to be clear-headed even if he isn't totally smashed?

It's not realistic to expect to communicate clearly with someone who is always in an altered state. If he'd be sober, you could work on communication, but he's not. 

Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

All, the original post #8 has been deleted and the user banned. That's why the existing #8 seems out of place. SB happens to have a copy of it; it was just rude. 

Someone else and I reported his post. Chris got rid of him.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

The lying would be a red flag. All I can say about his drinking issue is.......If you marry someone, you'd better marry them knowing you can live with them exactly the way they are. Never marry someone expecting them to change. If you can't live with it now, it isn't going to get any better. He'll only change when he wants to and that doesn't mean he ever will.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

An old adage...wives marry expecting him to change; men marry expecting she won't. Both are often disappointed.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I really don't think the problem with you two is communication. Insults, putdowns and alcohol use are not healthy factors in a stable relationship. Please, be truly honest with yourself and the situation. You guys have some serious problems with your relationship. I don't like to tell others to divorce or leave each other. In fact, I think people do not put ENOUGH effort into their relationships and just throw in the towel because things get too difficult. In my humble opinion in your case, there is disrespect, untruths and manipulation here. Can you really have a mature healthy relationship with someone like that? If he's willing to identify there are problems that need addressing before the marriage great. But wishing for better communication isn't going to help you. It's your life, your choices ultimately you decide how to live it, but if you marry and still have issues take responsibility for your decision and deal with it. Good Luck.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

garfield24 said:


> Seems everyone here thinks I should leave him. He drinks daily but doesn't get drunk and he's not mean. I can't leave him for that.


Alcoholics don't get drunk unless they binge.

I never understood just how destructive a life alcoholics led until I had one as a lodger, and until a friend of the family became one. In both cases, the result was chaos. Because I hardly drink, like you, I could not see the problem. But after the events alluded to above, I am very clear now. If I find out someone is drinking every single day, or they binge drink - I do not admit them into my life.

If you can't see the danger form the outside, then I promise you this: If you marry this man, you will find out about the life of an alcoholic - *from the inside*. You will find out about the lies, the deceit the grime and the decent into oblivion.

Ask any Ex drinker on this forum will tell you: you don't know what you're dealing with.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

garfield24 said:


> He says he doesn't but I think it's just a trained response now. He can range from 2 to 8 beers or mixed drinks a day. .... He has promised to not drink so much and he gets defensive mad at me if I say anything. He will turn it around on me and find something I do he hates.





garfield24 said:


> Last week while he was making another drink I said something (big mistake) and he just went off on how fat I am and on and on.





garfield24 said:


> we are both under a lot of stress with the wedding and house but what do I do?





garfield24 said:


> I don't know why I have such a problem with his drinking.





garfield24 said:


> Now he has almost eliminated the debt, but I have caught him 3 times lying to me saying that he's stopped.





garfield24 said:


> I can't help thinking I'm walking into a huge mistake.....


Garfield...trust your feelings. Trust what everyone here says. Do not go through with the wedding, or the house right now. He has shown you how he deals with stress, how he treats you under stress, and how he'll hide his gambling (and soon drinking) from you. He has a drinking problem. He might have a gambling problem.

You think you're walking into a huge mistake...because you are.

Before committing to marriage, make sure that the relationship is how you want it to be, because if you think things will get better someday. Honey....sometimes "someday" never comes.

Help him get better, by all means, if you can and he'll let you. But do not marry him until he's clean.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Before you get married you see the "best" of a person, afterwards you get to see the real person in most instances.

Step away from the altar.


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