# Need advice!! Am I an idiot?



## Poopah64 (Oct 29, 2013)

Hello, I'm new to the forum and I am going to try to make my story/situation as short as possible so as not bore anyone.
After 17 years of marriage (as of this Nov 2) and a miracle 10 year old daughter, my husband and I separated in July of this year. Again, trying to make a long story short. I asked or I should say ordered my husband to leave after months of heavy drinking, fighting and lot of of disappointment. He has always "liked" his beer and drank more then he should on alot of occasions, but it never really got out of hand until the months prior to the separation. He/we had a falling out with his parents who live out of state about 6 years ago. Its a long story as well but after years of being treated like the black sheep and being the butt of jokes and alot of belittling, my husband stood up to them while we were visiting just a few days before xmas. Although there was communication between them, he/we hadn't visited their home for 5 years. His sister's stepson was diagnosed w/bone cancer about 2 years ago and his health was deteriorating and he wasn't given long to live. We were all devastated by the news . His mother starting calling more and more and my husband started drinking more and more and distancing himself from me and my daughter. He would go out and get firewood every weekend (which we needed) but he would come back and I could tell her "had a few". He would go to his drinking friend's house and stay for hours and when he was home, he was in the back bedroom watching TV and rarely coming out to be with us. He made several trips to visit his family and each time came back with a chip on his shoulder. I initiated all of us going for a birthday party we were invited to so as to show him/them I am also ready for reconciling. I also wanted to be able to see my nephew as his condition was very grave. The drinking kept getting worse at home, lying about the drinking, hiding beers, the chip on his shoulder etc. My husband is a football coach and helps with alot of fundraising stuff. On the 4th of July he had alot to do so wouldn't be able to spend much time with us so my daughter and I planned a trip out of town for the day for a movie and shopping. The plan when we got back into town was to let off fireworks my husband had bought my daughter. We got back into town after all the 4th of July stuff was over and saw my husband's truck at his friends. We went home and waited forever and about 10:30pm, his friends wife pulls up driving my husband's truck because he had a few too many. This is when I lost it and unfortunately made a scene, but enough was enough. My husband spent the next few days in our camp trailer not speaking to us for 3 days or coming out to bathe or anything. I think he went to the store a couple of times but that is all. When he finally came out, I told him he had to move out. This had to stop, until he could get a handle on his drinking and make us a priority, he had to move out. He moved out and lives less than a 1/4 blk from us. We went to a couple of marriage counseling sessions but it was very one sided in that my temper about his drinking, made him drink more. I was the problem and so on and so forth. Since mending his relationship with his family, he has made several more trips over there. When there is a home football game, his brother and family comes to get firewood and they have NEVER tried to contact my daughter. Since the separation, my own husband has spent very little time with my daughter and has went through 2 weeks at a time not calling her. I do not know this man anymore. He used to be a hands-on dad and a very loving, sensitive man (even with his drinking) prior to my nephew getting sick (he has since passed) and now, he spends no time with his daughter and all his time coaching football and with his family. He spends every weekend cutting firewood FOR THEM and either hauling it there or they come here. Mind you, they live 3 hours away in the 15 years we have lived here, came 3 times prior now are here nearly every other weekend. They make no attempt to see my daughter nor does my husband when they are in town... We have always both thought the separation would be temporary and to be fair, we both have acted like two year olds when arguing and texting each other. We have both said some pretty rotten things to each other but he always said he did NOT want a divorce. He never really apologized for his drinking and disappointing us only made excuses that he needs to cut down and my nagging about it made him want to drink more etc.. I have since went and got divorce papers but have not filled them out. I have discussed with him and only now is he making attempts to talk to my daughter. In the last 4 months it has been about his coaching and his family and I feel his family, mainly his mother, has put him on such a guilt trip about our nephew and my husband not being around them for all these years that he doesn't care about us as a family any more. He has done absolutely nothing to make me think he cares. So why am I having such a hard time filling out and filing the papers? I still love him very much and though I am angry about all the drinking and disappointment prior to the separation, we have 17 years together and though some not all good, he was a good husband and a good dad but something changed him drastically!! Now he barely acknowledges his own daughter. I can't sleep (been up since 2:30 am) and can't barely eat or function.


----------



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

For someone that is dependent on alcohol and it sounds like your husband is, it is very hard for you, as a rational person, to understand. He needs to hit rock bottom on his own and as long as he doesn't get anyone else involved, then you can be there to support him (if you want to at that point) when he does. I come from a home of alcoholics and have been to many meetings for the ones that are the supporters of them and it is very hard to watch someone you love go through that. Some alcoholics never hit rock bottom and they aren't able to ever get clean. 

The first step for your husband is to understand that he has a problem and want, for himself, to fix it. You can't make him do this, he has to do it on his own. The second step is getting into a program and getting clean, but you can't make him do this either.

For the sake of your daughter, I would be happy that she isn't seeing her father like this. I know it hurts you and her, but as a child, it is very hard to understand. I would talk with her about it, because of her age and try to tell her about this horrible issue. It isn't her fault or your fault but her dad is sick and he needs to decide if his family is more important than his booze.

I will pray for you and I hope that you find the strength to let him fall and be there for him if you want to when he is ready to make the changes that he needs to be a better husband and a better father.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I am sorry to hear about your troubles Poopah. I agree with Sherri, this is an issue that he has to confront on his own, no one can do that for him. All you can do is focus on you and your child, and decide if you want to be there when he falls.


----------

