# How much texting is too much?



## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

How many times a month would your SO have to text someone of the opposite sex before you had a red flag pop up?

My husband doesn't get where I'm coming from on this and says I'm making more of it than it is. I already told him i was uncomfortable with certain females he was texting and wanted him to stop, this leads to an argument about me being controlling and soon I will demand he stop speaking to everyone. I find this to be a lame argument as I have never asked him to stop talking/texting any of his male friends or even the mutual female friends we have in the 12 years we have been togeher, but we I see him forming a relationship with another women talking about personal stuff in our marriage and saying he is more comfortable talking to them well you can bet your butt I'm gunna say something. 

So before I say how much my husband texts these other women I would like to get some numbers on what might be an acceptable amount to text. He does work with 2 of the women and one is a waitress from a bar he goes to (he didn't even tell me about her I found out through fb, yeah I know )


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

1 time is too many.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Well then you will be floored by my husbands numbers.

I'll give it a little longer to see if anyone else responds before I post his. I honestly just don't know what to do about it as every time I bring it up he gets defensive and says its nothing to worry about and that I'm pretty much acting crazy for no reason they are his friends etc. Yet he doesn't tell me about these friends and I don't get to meet them or hang out with them. I ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed and he just says he wouldn't see a problem with it. Yeah I'm sure me texting random guys all the time would go over real well especially when I discuss our martial problems.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

it sounds too me like it is a problem. i would have a big problem with it, especially if they kept trying to play it off rather than taking it upon themselves to stop when pointed out it does bother me.
in my opinion it takes away from the relationship.
like there arent enough problems in a relationship that people feel they must bring in more from the outside to add to them.
this includes texting, phone calls, lunches, dinners, fb and anything else that brings in others of the opposite sex. i just think its bad news and asking for trouble.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

square1 said:


> How many times a month would your SO have to text someone of the opposite sex before you had a red flag pop up?
> 
> My husband doesn't get where I'm coming from on this and says I'm making more of it than it is. I already told him i was uncomfortable with certain females he was texting and wanted him to stop, this leads to an argument about me being controlling and soon I will demand he stop speaking to everyone. I find this to be a lame argument as I have never asked him to stop talking/texting any of his male friends or even the mutual female friends we have in the 12 years we have been togeher, but we I see him forming a relationship with another women talking about personal stuff in our marriage and saying he is more comfortable talking to them well you can bet your butt I'm gunna say something.
> 
> So before I say how much my husband texts these other women I would like to get some numbers on what might be an acceptable amount to text. He does work with 2 of the women and one is a waitress from a bar he goes to (he didn't even tell me about her I found out through fb, yeah I know )


I'm sure it would depend on who you ask and what the norm in your area. Since I've come to this site about a year ago, I've learned that there are many different beliefs about things like that. 

I'd have a problem with one time. I'm from a rather conservative area where people who are married, and enjoy being married, don't text, talk on the phone with, or hang out with people of the opposite sex being buddies.
It would be weird and tacky. I work with a woman and we get along great. We have similar interests and personalities, so, I consider her a work-friend. She is happily married, however, so that's it. We call each other at home once in a blue moon with something work related and that's it.

I realize, however, that a lot of people think that is stone-age practices and find a more liberal approach to be acceptable. Go with your feelings of what is normal. If it throws a red flag for you, then there is probably a reason for it.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I don't think the number of times he has texted matters as much as the context of the text. He could text a thousand times talking about the weather or a project at work and that would be one thing - but one text talking a bout something a married man shouldn't discuss with another woman would be to much.


BTW, his claiming you are being controlling by objecting him texting another woman is BS. He is trying to excuse his behavior by making you the bad guy.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I agree that I think one time is too many....My H was doing the same thing, still may be doing it, who knows, and I think it's crap....I admit I went about handling it in the wrong way a few years back and started texting my male friends, but I have grown since then and know you cannot right a wrong with another wrong...Anywho, he still didn't stop after I did and it went on....now I really couldn't tell you 100% that he doesn't, cuz I have no clue, but IMO there should be none of that going on in a marriage, marriage is enough work all on its own without the added B.S. that brings.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

If you're uncomfortable with it, and you tell him about it, once is too much.

For the waitress at a restaurant he goes too, once would be a huge red flag.

Your husband is getting defensive because he wants to eat his cake and have it too.

Get serious, don't appease him. If he's not already in an EA or PA, he's heading there. You may want to start snooping on his phone, phone records, computer, FB, etc.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> He could text a thousand times talking about the weather or a project at work and that would be one thing -


these 'safe' topics are what end up leading to inappropriate topics.

only the least amount required for work related issues would be all that would be appropriate.


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

My wife and I have had some major relationship issues and I have spoken with my friends, that are girls, just as much if not more than my guy friends about our problems. So just because he is speaking with girls does not mean there is a cheating issue going on. He may just have good friends that happen to be female. 

I am not a big texting fan myself but I know a lot of people that will hold long conversations via texting instead of talking so that may just be his preferred method of communicating. 

What I would have a problem with is if he is giving you reason to not trust him. My wife cheated on me and a lot of the communication she had going on was by texting. When I noticed it was just to much texting going on was when no matter what we had going on, she would be in the middle of a text instead of concentrating on me or whatever we had going on. She would also do everything in her power to make sure I did not get anywhere near her phone. Even to the point of taking a shower with it. 

My point is, just because he has friends that are female, doesn’t mean that he is sneaking around on you. But if he is really giving you reason to be concerned, confront him on the subject and let him know of your concerns. DO NOT flip out on him, just talk to him about it.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> I don't think the number of times he has texted matters as much as the context of the text. He could text a thousand times talking about the weather or a project at work and that would be one thing - but one text talking a bout something a married man shouldn't discuss with another woman would be to much.
> 
> 
> BTW, his claiming you are being controlling by objecting him texting another woman is BS. He is trying to excuse his behavior by making you the bad guy.


Its very rarely about work most of them are hey what are you doing tonight? Or are you going out etc. He did cross the line with one of the women and discussed our emotional issues we were dealing with and said some inappropriate things he said were just jokes and i wasnt meant to see those. Well duh I wasn't meant to see them but i sure did and it made me sick to my stomach, literally. But I'm still being controlling and wrong for asking what women he is texting and who they are. He says what difference will it make if i know. Um well for one why are you making women friends you aren't telling me about that I have to find out through fb. His response again it wasn't a big deal she's a waitress at the bar I go to and she knows all the guys I know etc. Wow guess that means he should get a list of all their women friends and start passing out his phone number since they all need to be friends.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

kayaker said:


> My wife and I have had some major relationship issues and I have spoken with my friends, that are girls, just as much if not more than my guy friends about our problems. So just because he is speaking with girls does not mean there is a cheating issue going on. He may just have good friends that happen to be female.
> 
> I am not a big texting fan myself but I know a lot of people that will hold long conversations via texting instead of talking so that may just be his preferred method of communicating.
> 
> ...


Texting is his preferred method of communicating but texting women at all hours of the day and night when he knows I am uncomfortable with these women (who are well known for sleeping with married men and not giving a crap) is wrong IMO. To me discussing our problems with a woman who is sleeping around with whoever kinda gives her a heads up on what she could try to do to get in bed with him.

See I do have a problem with him discussing our martial problems with other women and I have told him this many many times he just seems to brush that aside. He is also more comfortable discussing his problems with them then with his own wife. And when i try to discuss it I don't flip out I ask questions that he evades and starts in with the I have no right to ask questions mode.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

SadieBrown said:


> I don't think the number of times he has texted matters as much as the context of the text. He could text a thousand times talking about the weather or a project at work and that would be one thing - but one text talking a bout something a married man shouldn't discuss with another woman would be to much.
> 
> 
> BTW, his claiming you are being controlling by objecting him texting another woman is BS. He is trying to excuse his behavior by making you the bad guy.


:iagree:
Have there been any incidents/suspicions of infidelity in your marriage?


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

applelemon said:


> :iagree:
> Have there been any incidents/suspicions of infidelity in your marriage?


The one women he texts I met one time and she seemed nice then after a couple instances of them hanging out we tried to get a group of people to go out and she was invited but said no cause it was too awkward to be around me? Wtf? What's so awkward. I asked my husband what was going on with her he insists nothing but obviously she must have perceived their relationship a little different than he does cause she was fine around me that one time and very talkative and we joked etc now she doesn't wanna be near me????


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## kayaker (Jan 22, 2012)

Well if you have tried talking to him about it and he blows you off, then you may have some good reason to look into it. If he had done nothing wrong and everything is truly innocent, then he should be like and open book for you to look at any page that you wish. 

All I can say is be trusting unless you have reason to believe other wise. BUT, trust your gut at the same time. My gut was right but I did not want to believe it.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

kayaker said:


> Well if you have tried talking to him about it and he blows you off, then you may have some good reason to look into it. If he had done nothing wrong and everything is truly innocent, then he should be like and open book for you to look at any page that you wish.
> 
> All I can say is be trusting unless you have reason to believe other wise. BUT, trust your gut at the same time. My gut was right but I did not want to believe it.


If he wasn't acting so defensive about these women I probably wouldn't think anything of it but how he acts when I ask a question or his response to me asking that he stop Texting or messaging thru fb makes me question wtf is really going on? He always reverts back to oh you will just keep knocking one friend away until I have none left. It's complete bs. Even his male friends I don't like I say nothing about and haven't the entire time we have been together. So it's a lame excuse to get defensive for.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

square1 said:


> The one women he texts I met one time and she seemed nice then after a couple instances of them hanging out we tried to get a group of people to go out and she was invited but said no cause it was too awkward to be around me? Wtf? What's so awkward. I asked my husband what was going on with her he insists nothing but obviously she must have perceived their relationship a little different than he does cause she was fine around me that one time and very talkative and we joked etc now she doesn't wanna be near me????


You should check him out. I'm not saying hire a PI but like KAYAKER says trust your gut and look at the evidence (if any). 

The way the "other girl" is acting; it could be because your husband may have told her about your jealousy, and she feels awkward about it.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

applelemon said:


> You should check him out. I'm not saying hire a PI but like KAYAKER says trust your gut and look at the evidence (if any).
> 
> The way the "other girl" is acting; it could be because your husband may have told her about your jealousy, and she feels awkward about it.


He didn't tell her about my jealousy cause back then there was nothing to be jealous of and I never even brought up him Texting other women back then.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

square1 said:


> He didn't tell her about my jealousy cause back then there was nothing to be jealous of and I never even brought up him Texting other women back then.


In that case go with your gut. Do YOU think something else is going on there? I think someone else mentioned earlier. 
To answer your original question, I'd say once or twice is bad enough, especially with those red flag concerns you have.
Your husband may be just flirting but you should sit him down and tell him it really bothers you.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

applelemon said:


> In that case go with your gut. Do YOU think something else is going on there? I think someone else mentioned earlier.
> To answer your original question, I'd say once or twice is bad enough, especially with those red flag concerns you have.
> Your husband may be just flirting but you should sit him down and tell him it really bothers you.


Yes the way he is acting is making me think feel something is going on. It's driving me nuts. 

I have tried to tell him several and I mean several times but it's like he just thinks nothing of it. Short of kicking him in the groin and being like there that's how this makes me feel inside do you get it now? I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to get revenge male friends he doesn't know to prove a point cause that won't solve anything at all. I'm just at a loss here.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

square1 said:


> Yes the way he is acting is making me think feel something is going on. It's driving me nuts.
> 
> I have tried to tell him several and I mean several times but it's like he just thinks nothing of it. Short of kicking him in the groin and being like there that's how this makes me feel inside do you get it now? I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to get revenge male friends he doesn't know to prove a point cause that won't solve anything at all. I'm just at a loss here.


Roughly how long have you been married, if you don't mind me asking. Also what is the approximate age for you two (20s, 30s)?
I'm just trying to understand what could be going on in his head.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

applelemon said:


> Roughly how long have you been married, if you don't mind me asking. Also what is the approximate age for you two (20s, 30s)?
> I'm just trying to understand what could be going on in his head.


He is 30 I'm 28. Together 12.5 years married 2.5 we have 1 daughter

The last 3 years has been stressful due to his job and moving across the country and me having a job in ny and helping take care of my grandmother and going back and forth. He likes to throw that in my face every chance he gets and says what did I expect to happen. Even though me going back and forth was discussed and we agreed on it.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

square1 said:


> He is 30 I'm 28. Together 12.5 years married 2.5 we have 1 daughter


Yep, those red flags should definitely be up, high, and waving. Be vigilant my dear.
I'm not saying this is the case but you've been together for a long time--I'm taking since he was 18? It could be that he's trying to venture and see what else is out there. But then, it could be something else. 
Again, just be vigilant; only you could tell what is normal and what is suspicious. My bet is on suspicious, just keep a follow-up tab on him (have friends help out maybe). You don't want to jump the fence, but you don't want to be played a fool. Good luck sweetie.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

applelemon said:


> Yep, those red flags should definitely be up, high, and waving. Be vigilant my dear.
> I'm not saying this is the case but you've been together for a long time--I'm taking since he was 18? It could be that he's trying to venture and see what else is out there. But then, it could be something else.
> Again, just be vigilant; only you could tell what is normal and what is suspicious. My bet is on suspicious, just keep a follow-up tab on him (have friends help out maybe). You don't want to jump the fence, but you don't want to be played a fool. Good luck sweetie.


I don't have any friends where his job is. We moved across the country, he made friends while I traveled back and forth and he made them strictly his friends I'm not allowed near them. I'm sure he would rather cut his foot off before allowing me around the majority of them. I'm not fond of his male friends but I don't consider them the main problem. These women are and how he acts when I tell him my feelings. 

The one who said its awkward he texts her about 1000x/month
The one he discussed our problems with and made the "jokes" is 700-800 a month
The waitress I don't know cause I just found out about her and don't have her number.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

It's kind of platonic cheating. That is an absurd amount of texts to "Friends" of the opposite sex.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

applelemon said:


> It's kind of platonic cheating. That is an absurd amount of texts to "Friends" of the opposite sex.


WHAT!?
no such thing.
either your cheating or youre not.
doesnt matter ea or pa, its all cheating.
that is an insane amount of texts.
hes in deep if you ask me.
and you did, along with everyone else.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

It is a crazy amount of texts. Before I checked I asked him how much he thought he texted them. I of course didn't expect an exact number just a round about one. He just said not that much just a few times here and there. I'm sorry but 1000 a month is not a few here and there. That's everyday throughout the day. But no matter what I say to him he will never understand cause I have not done it to him and so I'm wrong for feeling how I do. I believe during one argument I was told to just live with it.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

I guess my next question might be what are your plans with your husband; seeing that he isn't going to stop any time soon.:scratchhead:


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

applelemon said:


> I guess my next question might be what are your plans with your husband; seeing that he isn't going to stop any time soon.:scratchhead:


I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like crap cause of it and talking about it does no good what so ever. I have a bunch of questions he doesn't want to answer cause he wants his privacy and thinks I have no right to ask. I feel like I am stuck


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

square1 said:


> It is a crazy amount of texts. Before I checked I asked him how much he thought he texted them. I of course didn't expect an exact number just a round about one. He just said not that much just a few times here and there. I'm sorry but 1000 a month is not a few here and there. That's everyday throughout the day. But no matter what I say to him he will never understand cause I have not done it to him and so I'm wrong for feeling how I do. I believe during one argument I was told to just live with it.


thats almost 35 a day every day, just to the 1 woman plus all the others to the other women.
how does he have any time for anything else in the day? including you?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

square1 said:


> I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like crap cause of it and talking about it does no good what so ever. I have a bunch of questions he doesn't want to answer cause he wants his privacy and thinks I have no right to ask. I feel like I am stuck


youre not stuck.
treat it as any other infidelity.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> thats almost 35 a day every day, just to the 1 woman plus all the others to the other women.
> how does he have any time for anything else in the day? including you?


Yeah and throw in his fb time. He does a lot of Texting from work. Or if he works a shift (it rotates every 30 days) where he stays up late he does a lot of Texting then too.. Very few texts to them based on the times are when he is around me.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

square1 said:


> I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like crap cause of it and talking about it does no good what so ever. I feel like I am stuck


No, you're not stuck! You have to do what is best for yourself and your daughter.
If you can make it work do so, but don't force yourself to stick around because you feel you must. Marriage is work, but, if you're the only one trying then you'll just be miserable.

I just got divorced, no kids with the ex. I stayed around for 6 years, I tried everything I could think of to make it "work." In the end, I knew he isn't going to change. Had to ask myself, if I could spend the rest of my life with someone like my ex and raise my (future) children with him. I couldn't do that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying divorce is the answer (not in any way!). I just want to suggest that you might need to see where you stand from this point. There are many things you could do (counseling, separation, etc.) Perhaps check out the infidelity forum. 

Like 2nd says he is in deep, which I see very problematic, and I'm sure you do as well.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> youre not stuck.
> treat it as any other infidelity.


I told him to me he was having an ea with them since he was turning to them for comfort when he had a problem. And then discussing us was way way out of bounds. He laughed this off and said I was taking it the wrong way. I know our time in different states didn't help us but turning to other women for emotional comfort was wrong. He is in the army, if he gets deployed when I need emotional support I guess a male companion would be OK in his eyes.


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## mmagkjscott (Jan 21, 2012)

I don't have much advice but just wanted to tell you I know how your feeling. My hubby also texts a female almost everyday...tho not as much as yours. Its a tough spot to be in. You know in your heart what needs to be done but its hard to push yourself to do it. I too have tried talking and he feels he has done nothing wrong since they are "just friends". Good luck too you!


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

square1 said:


> I told him to me he was having an ea with them since he was turning to them for comfort when he had a problem. And then discussing us was way way out of bounds. He laughed this off and said I was taking it the wrong way. I know our time in different states didn't help us but turning to other women for emotional comfort was wrong. He is in the army, if he gets deployed when I need emotional support I guess a male companion would be OK in his eyes.


Square, there are many supports for military spouses for these types of issues. If you prefer someone in person, I'd recommend some of the free help they offer at places like the base chapel. I'm not a Christian myself, but I received help from the base chapel where my friend was working at. They also put me in contact with a free marriage counselor. Just throwing some ideas out, and remember you are not stuck, you're just at a crossroad.

http://www.military.com/opinion/0,15202,121982,00.html
http://www.militaryonesource.mil/MO...50.30.30.50.50.20.0.0,23.50.30.30.50.50.0.0.0


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I wrote him an email explaining I thought maybe he could read it and have time to digest what I said with no yelling involved. I don't want a divorce I want to work things out but I was taught you can't always have what you want in life. Guess I'll see what happens with the email...


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm sorry square, he's cheating. Even if it's not sexually explicit yet or a PA in nature (either is likely at this point). He's very defensive and he's going to be gaslighting you and accusing you of being controlling, cheating, manipulative, etc. because he doesn't want to stop.

Take control of the situation now. The more you let it continue the deeper he'll go. If he can't stop, think about walking. Do what you have to do to get evidence, but he's definitely over the line at this point. Don't appease him, don't allow this to continue without consequences. Sometimes walking or handing him the papers is the only way to snap them out of it.

I know it worked with my wife, the day I left is the day that she "wanted to talk." I like you, found thousands of messages between her and her "friend". Looking back I can't believe how naive I was, and also it was difficult seeing how badly she was lying to me. Don't be naive. He's already chosen this girl over you, don't let him actively cheat on you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Emotional Affair Signs Checklist
•The ‘cheater’ keeps their ‘friendship’ secret from their partner.
•They therefore don’t share or talk about calls, texts, etc. that they receive from their friend, with their partners.
•They do all they can to hide those calls and text messages.
•When confronted by a partner, they deny any wrongdoing and may accuse their partner of being silly, of looking for something that doesn’t exist.
•They can even become aggressive when being quizzed about their friendship.
•Their responses are often centered around things like “he’s/she’s just a friend,” “he’s/she’s a good listener,” “it’s only about work,” etc.
•The cheater looks to spend more and more time out of the house with their friend.
•The cheater actually looks forward to spending time with their friend rather than with their spouse or partner.
•They tell their friend things that they don’t even share with their spouse / partner.
•Cheaters spend less time having meaningful conversations with their spouse.
•They are less interested in sex with their spouse or partner.
•They can sometimes behave in ways with their friend that they would never have done with their spouse or partner.
•They conjure up reasons to give their friends gifts.
•Cheaters can suddenly become more critical of their spouse or partner, e.g., the way they dress, the way they look, etc.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Well we had a real long talk about this whole issue, like 6-7 hours. At first he was real defensive and saying mean things like live with it or leave. I asked him if he would really rather me leave him over these random women who haven't stood by him through 12 years supporting him and pushing him to do better. I said i wasnt willing to keep competing with them cause it was a losing battle on my end and that I would leave him so he could have the private life he is so desparately fighting for. Every time I mentioned emotional affair he acted like I was crazy and said things like "so these so called emotional affairs" or "so I guess I'm having affairs with my guy friends to then cause I talked to them about problems?" I tried explaining multiple times about the emotional affair even showing him the checklist and it was pointless. I know he still doesnt view it that way and there is no way to make him see it. I told him about all his double standards and how he was doing things he said weren't OK for me. Specifically talk about us to a person of the opposite sex. 

I told him we had other problems we needed to work on but couldn't get to those with these women in our way. That as long as he had them to turn to he would over turning to me. He said I have a problem with every female he knows. Which I pointed out some names of mutual friends that are women that he talks to and i have no problem with. I asked him why couldnt we make female friends that were family friends (has a husband and maybe a kid) not just his private life friends that according to him i have no right to ask about. He agreed that was an option and that starting over with new female friends that I was comfortable was doable.

In the end he agreed (kind of reluctantly) to stop. This morning he deleted them from fb, keeping the mutual ones. I'll have to keep an eye on it to see if he really stops the texting. I know 2 of the women work with him and he does text some work related stuff so there should be very few texts between them.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

square1 said:


> Well we had a real long talk about this whole issue, like 6-7 hours. At first he was real defensive and saying mean things like live with it or leave. I asked him if he would really rather me leave him over these random women who haven't stood by him through 12 years supporting him and pushing him to do better. I said i wasnt willing to keep competing with them cause it was a losing battle on my end and that I would leave him so he could have the private life he is so desparately fighting for. Every time I mentioned emotional affair he acted like I was crazy and said things like "so these so called emotional affairs" or "so I guess I'm having affairs with my guy friends to then cause I talked to them about problems?" I tried explaining multiple times about the emotional affair even showing him the checklist and it was pointless. I know he still doesnt view it that way and there is no way to make him see it. I told him about all his double standards and how he was doing things he said weren't OK for me. Specifically talk about us to a person of the opposite sex.
> 
> I told him we had other problems we needed to work on but couldn't get to those with these women in our way. That as long as he had them to turn to he would over turning to me. He said I have a problem with every female he knows. Which I pointed out some names of mutual friends that are women that he talks to and i have no problem with. I asked him why couldnt we make female friends that were family friends (has a husband and maybe a kid) not just his private life friends that according to him i have no right to ask about. He agreed that was an option and that starting over with new female friends that I was comfortable was doable.
> 
> In the end he agreed (kind of reluctantly) to stop. This morning he deleted them from fb, keeping the mutual ones. I'll have to keep an eye on it to see if he really stops the texting. I know 2 of the women work with him and he does text some work related stuff so there should be very few texts between them.


Wow great job! You stood up for yourself!!

Don't be mislead by his comments. It's very common for people in an EA, even if it was super inappropriate, to deny any involvement or that anything was going on. My wife said the same things your husband did after she was sexting him and sent inappropriate pictures of herself.

I hope your husband gets it, but you need to be SUPER vigilant with him for a while. It's very easy for him to go underground with this stuff. Get a keylogger, look at his phone records, not just his phone. GPS tracking and a VAR in the car is another good idea. Don't just look for the hard evidence, watch for signs of him up to no good. More time spent out of the house, him acting distracted at home, acting secretive, etc.

You can't follow him at work, and there's texting apps you can use on a computer..... I would definitely put a GPS in the car if you can.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

COguy said:


> Wow great job! You stood up for yourself!!
> 
> Don't be mislead by his comments. It's very common for people in an EA, even if it was super inappropriate, to deny any involvement or that anything was going on. My wife said the same things your husband did after she was sexting him and sent inappropriate pictures of herself.
> 
> ...


He works for the government and the computers are heavily monitored he wouldnt be able to text from a computer plus some days he isn't even in the office but a car with just his work radio and cellphone. And depending where he is in the car he gets no cell service in certain areas. I also have access to his paystub website and know his hours and to match that up with when he leaves work and how long it takes him to get home. He barely leaves for work on time so i know nothing happens before work.

We have a joint bank account he asks if he can use money and pays with his debit card so i know where the money is going.I'm in charge of making sure the bills get paid and how much extra is left over from each check that's why he asks. So i budget everything.

The only times he goes out with his friends is during my trips to ny.and I would say that is probably 2x a week he goes out then and usually to the same bar or a movie with the guys if a manly man movie with stuff blowing up just came out.

Oh I have every intention of monitoring the phone bill. We have a family plan in my name. So it won't be hard to see how much texting to these women is going on and if i see it on the bill but nothing on his phone, there will be a BIG problem.

A GPS would be my last resort if his time lines didn't add up or he started acting really odd.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

square1 said:


> This morning he deleted them from fb,


are you checking this off your fb account or his?
if its yours, all he has to do is have them block you and you never see them on his friends list or anything posted to or from them.



> We have a family plan in my name. So it won't be hard to see how much texting to these women is going on and if i see it on the bill but nothing on his phone, there will be a BIG problem.


there are pay as you go phones readily available at walmart.
thats what my ex fife used, stopped using her regular phone.
keep an eye out and get sneaky if you have to.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> are you checking this off your fb account or his?
> if its yours, all he has to do is have them block you and you never see them on his friends list or anything posted to or from them.
> 
> 
> ...



I can check it from his fb. They are gone.

He would still need money to pay for the new phone and I know where every dime goes. Plus his super cheapness won't allow him to try and find away to sneak money every month for another phone. He hates spending money on food and we need that.

So for now I keep my eyes wide open and the second my gut says something is up I go into super stealth ninja mode. (It would be nice to have a ninja emoticon)


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

square1 said:


> He would still need money to pay for the new phone and I know where every dime goes. Plus his super cheapness won't allow him to try and find away to sneak money every month for another phone. He hates spending money on food and we need that.


you would be very surprised to what length people will go while cheating.

i hope for you and the relationship he has stopped.

as you said, keep an eye out and get 'ninja' if you feel the need to.

make sure he doesnt change the password without telling you.
if he changes it, he should tell you BEFORE you find out on your own.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> you would be very surprised to what length people will go while cheating.
> 
> i hope for you and the relationship he has stopped.
> 
> ...


Oh I discussed the passwords thing too. I said if he changes any without telling me he did so and providing me with the new password sh!t would hit the fan so fast. I would take that as a sign that he decided to go back to his private life and I'll file the paperwork. If he wants to be with me he can have his privacy when he is using the bathroom but that phone won't be in there with him.

And i have seen some crazy stuff people have done to cheat my brothers fiance who he's supposed to marry in less than 60 days has been cheating on him for a year or more. But that's another thread all together.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

square1 said:


> Oh I discussed the passwords thing too. I said if he changes any without telling me he did so and providing me with the new password sh!t would hit the fan so fast. I would take that as a sign that he decided to go back to his private life and I'll file the paperwork. If he wants to be with me he can have his privacy when he is using the bathroom but that phone won't be in there with him.


good, sounds like youre getting your sh1t together as far as this is concerned.

stay vigilant.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Have you ever the texts he had? Did he delete them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Have you ever the texts
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Have you ever the texts he had? Did he delete them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm guessing you want to know if i read them?
Yes I did read the texts. He did not delete them before I had a chance to read and he knows deleting anything when I can check the records and see he was texting will not be good. He did have to reset his phone a couple weeks ago but I was current on the conversations to that point.


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

It really isn't the number of texts that matters, it is the content and whether or not his spending time on friends is excessive and interfering with his time with you. 

The nature and quantity of the text conversations he is having sure seem to cross a line to me.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

I'm glad to hear that you have worked this out in some manner with your H.
You mentioned that there are other problems you need to work on in the marriage and I think you are right that your H's EAs were not benefiting to those problems.

I wish you the best and hope that your marriage gets better. Sometimes things take time to mend and while your husband seemed very reluctant to try starting somewhere is better than not starting at all. Take care


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your help/support in this. 

Sometimes its nice to have someone nudge you and be like psst "you aren't crazy"


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

I just saw this thread for the first time this morning. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this now, square1. I thought things were going well.

His defensiveness and trying to turn the tables to make you the bad guy are bad signs. I don't think the kind of privacy he wants has any place in a marriage. 

I'm a waitress and there is absolutely no reason for me to be exhanging phone numbers with my male customers. Not even the regulars. I talk to them when they come in, but that's part of my job. I have no reason to chat with them outside of work.

I'm glad you let him know you wouldn't put up with it anymore. I really hope he stops this behavior. You've been through so much already. Good luck!


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

bubbly girl said:


> I just saw this thread for the first time this morning. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this now, square1. I thought things were going well.
> 
> His defensiveness and trying to turn the tables to make you the bad guy are bad signs. I don't think the kind of privacy he wants has any place in a marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks bubbly girl. He doesn't get why I'm upset about the waitress at all. I explained it just like you said there is no reason to exchange numbers with her. That would be like me giving the bartender my number, he of course didn't see it that way but we all know if I go out and do it (which I won't cause its wrong) he would flip out. 

I hate having to check the bill every month like I have a mental disease but it has to be done unfortunately until I can reach a point where I believe what he is telling me. He may feel like a giant 5 yr old for having me check up on everything but it's his actions that got us to this place. So I don't feel like this is really my fault. Just hate it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Once!

We made an agreement early on there will be no casual friendships outside of work with the opposite sex. My husband had a single woman call our house to shoot the breeze with him. After that second call I put a stop to it, my husband agreed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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