# What has been your experiences on dating with kids? How did you incorporate dating if



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I am a single parent to a 12 year old boy. I only get 2 wknds a month free
Meaning to go out, date, meet friends what not. I choose not to let my son meet anyone till it’s serious- as he gets attached quickly and has been hurt before. In my 8 years of divorce, I haven’t found anyone that I wanted him to meet or been in a relationship longer than 6 months to form anything.
I get a lot of “I’ve been so busy “ from men and I want to believe them cause I myself, is busy also.
How do singles date? Is it true that it’s easier to date when kids are up and grown?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sue, dating is handled in different ways by different people. I personally date, but it is not my primary focus in life and I let the women know that upfront. My kids are my priority so I won't date when I have them and if that schedule doesn't work with a woman then I'll find someone else. That has led to me only dating casually and has prevented me from developing any real relationships...but...I'm OK with that. When my kids are older and don't need me as much then maybe I'll consider dating more seriously. 

BTW, the being "so busy" is an excuse. People make time for things that are a priority in their lives. Obviously the men you date haven't made you a priority yet or they'd find a way to work around your schedule.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I had my son every other weekend plus a couple of days a week. I'd date whenever I was by myself, and mostly dated women with children of their own. It is more complex if you can't get together because the children may get attached, of course - that wasn't a significant problem in my case, though, after a short time. I made dating a priority, I met someone great fairly early on, and we established a serious relationship quickly. If was only a few months until we began doing things with the kids as well. Perhaps it was luck that we found each other so soon after resuming dating - otherwise, I don't know how things would have developed.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I agree that you have to make dating a priority, otherwise it’s not taking seriously. I don’t mind dating casually if someone comes along.
Timing is a big factor in this I’m noticing.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I have 50/50 custody and its not that hard. When my daughter is with me she has all my attention. When she was with her mom, I'd check out dating apps in my spare time and make plans to go on dates. Once I had a girlfriend, my GF was with me on days I didn't have my daughter (we do the 2-2-5-5 plan). After about a year, I finally introduced them so she usually comes over once a week while I have my kid and we go out and do fun stuff together.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My son was 15 when I began dating after my divorce. He'd already had a new stepmom for a while at that point, so I wasn't concerned with freaking him out with the knowledge that his parents were moving on. But, I also wasn't interested in involving him too heavily in my private life. I wanted him to see dating as normal and healthy, but not to have his life interrupted much by my dating. And he was truly encouraging of me dating if I wanted to. He was pretty vocal about wanting me to be happy, whether that was alone or with a great new guy. 

A 15 year old is able to legally stay home alone and mine has been very mature from a very young age. So I was able to free up some time for coffee/wine dates or dinners out if I wanted to do that from time to time during the week - whether it was with a guy or just with some girlfriends. If I began dating anyone more seriously, then I generally only saw them for a quick dinner during the week or on weekends I didn't have my son. Men I dated exclusively were casually discussed with my son, but he never met anyone I dated until I became serious with my SO. That happened when we'd been together just over 6 months and were both very clear that we regarded this as a serious, long-term, relationship. Even after that, though, my SO wasn't around all the time, we do not live together, and he did not (does not) assume any sort of parental role. My SO and son get along very well, but it's clearly more of a friendship or a cool-older-relative deal than a parent/child dynamic. It's actually very similar to the relationship I have with my SO's adult children. And at 18, we really only see my son slightly more often than we do my SO's kids. He's pretty free range and bounces at will between my house and his father's. 

So, yes, I do think it gets easier when the children are older. I think it actually helped to have my son see his mom move through the adult dating world a bit. And while we do spare one another too much detail, he's been very open and honest with me about his own dating life. Besides, well adjusted teens not only don't mind you dating, they really would prefer to have you occupied with your own life so that you're less interested in what they're up to.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If the kids are small, a trusted babysitter is really the only way to go!

But don't ever think of bringing them along on dates until there is some form of tacit acceptance and permanence in the relationship!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> I am a single parent to a 12 year old boy. I only get 2 wknds a month free
> Meaning to go out, date, meet friends what not. I choose not to let my son meet anyone till it’s serious- as he gets attached quickly and has been hurt before. In my 8 years of divorce, I haven’t found anyone that I wanted him to meet or been in a relationship longer than 6 months to form anything.
> I get a lot of “I’ve been so busy “ from men and I want to believe them cause I myself, is busy also.
> How do singles date? Is it true that it’s easier to date when kids are up and grown?


When my son was younger and I was divorced, dating was kept to the days when he was with his father. 

Additionally, I had a friend how had boys my son's age. There were times, a few of them, when my son would do a sleepover at her house with her sons. I reciprocated for her sometimes. 

It might be that the reason you only find guys who are 'busy' and not really relationship material is that any guy who is relationship material knows that seeing someone 2 weekends a month is not enough to build a relationship.

You could get creative... meet for lunch for example on the days when you have your son. Setup sleepovers once a month. Have family or a sitter watch your son sometimes so you can go out once is a while.

If you want a real relationship you have to be available for one.

I do agree that it's not good to introduce your son to someone before you are sure that they are someone you want to be with long term.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

all good points! Don’t have family that live close, but I can get a friend to have a sleepover so that my son could spend the night and I could go out. Lots of good options


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> I agree that you have to make dating a priority, otherwise it’s not taking seriously. I don’t mind dating casually if someone comes along.
> Timing is a big factor in this I’m noticing.


To all of you guys that are young with young kids... Just let it happen. 

When you are working hard to find someone, you never do, or you make bad decisions. 

When you are not looking for anyone, that is when it happens.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I have 50/50 custody of my girl and pick up extra days on request. Between parenting, keeping house, handling the divorce, and building a career (laid off, went back to school then worked a tough job) I didn't have much free time or money for many years. I also prioritized my kid; she was only 7 and her mom isn't the most attentive parent, so I felt she needed someone who put her first.

Up to a certain age, your kids need you and that limits your availability. I dated only on my two weekends off per month, and then only casually. I prioritized the issues above and being so busy I didn't miss it. I'm squarely in the camp that you have to have your own stuff together before anything else.

Even when the above was addressed and my daughter was older, I still prioritized her over dating. She's only met two of the ladies I dated. My current GF is the only one where we have done group stuff (us and our kids together) and even that took a year to happen. Even now, neither me nor my GF leaves our kids behind for together time. We do kid-friendly stuff when not alone.

So, dating with kids takes significant effort and sacrifice. Your kids need the security of knowing they come first, and that extends to the high school years. You have to accept your dating life will be limited (if you are an equal or primary parent) and that relationships take longer to develop. Finding someone accepting of your limitations will be more of an issue as you enter your 40s (many folks have grown children around that age).

Also, you need to consider what you'll give up to make a regular (if limited) dating life happen. Right now, if I didn't have my GF I could do golf or other stuff with my friends, hang out with family, or do stuff alone. But I can't do both; two child-free weekends a month isn't enough time for all that social stuff and whatever else comes up.

I liked having my free time to myself (after rebuilding a good life) and don't need a relationship to be content. My approach was to just basically stay single and date casually unless someone special came along for whom I would make the necessary sacrifices. That's a high bar to clear, which is why it's only happened twice in nine years. And that's the advice I would give to others:

* Meet your own needs first. If you are struggling in some regard following divorce, fix that first.
* Then work on building a decent life and routine for yourself.
* And then look to date after you've built that good life for yourself.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

The biggest issue I had as a single parent is making those “free weekends” line up. It takes time to build something and if you don’t have it you just don’t. I remember the days when my daughters were younger and couldn’t be left alone.......so when I had them I had them. I would be out with a woman trying to figure out dating Schedules and more than one occasion I had to call it with someone I saw potential with because our custody arrangements were exact opposite.

This doesn’t last forever. You say son is 12. I know all kids are different and mature at different rates but is he ok to spend a few hours home alone? If not now soon? I know my oldest is same age and I leave her alone from time to time no issues. She is on the mature side though.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I can leave him alone for couple hours but at night- no
So, I can go to dinner, but can’t get frisky lol unless it’s in the daytime!


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

My Schedule was much more flexible and I still found it difficult at first, my current GF met my children as a friend after about 3 months and came for dinner with us and gradually saw them more and more until my Children asked me to ask her if she would be my girlfriend LOL


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> I can leave him alone for couple hours but at night- no
> So, I can go to dinner, but can’t get frisky lol unless it’s in the daytime!


Are you uncomfortable with getting frisky in the daytime?

I would suggest, given your time limitations, that you find opportunities to get frisky. Get creative and take what comes up, even if it's just a quickie. Instead of going to dinner (presumably that means a sit down restaurant), you could grab a burger, head to his place, and connect after a quick bite (for example).


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi Sue,

Many woman marry a man when a woman has a child to get help finanically then drop him like a hot rock when you both become empty nesters. No other man will love your child as the father and you. He will resent you child when you are dating or married if you are not on a united front. I had two marriages with stepchildren and they both ended badly,

If you like somebody for companionship, fun, netlix, going out and sex every two weeks. Take your love where and when you can get it. If you both need to meet middle of the week work out a deal with a girlfriend for overnight stays or use family. Skip family, They don't need to know your business.


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