# The key to the best sex life



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

... is truly having a good relationship. 

I read so many posts here about women not wanting their husband, and vice versa, claims of a total lack of "sex drive" and other things. 

My wife and I went through times when it was more than a year... Yeah, anniversary sex... and that was it. 

But then, we started to work on our relationship - specifically, communication, and some serious honesty. And now, it's once or twice a day... every day - in some fashion. And it's far less about a sex drive, then simply WANTING to be locked in each other's arms, feeling each other, kissing, pleasuring, holding, and just having that soul-baring depth of intimacy. 

Even if you don't have a big sex drive, the need for wanting to be locked in intimate embrace is more than enough to bring you together. 

At least, this is MY experience. I had no idea how much my sex drive had decreased over the years, with having had it not more often than every few weeks or months. I started taking some natural "enhancers" (no, not the pills to "make you bigger" crapola) doing some exercises and other things (and they help) just so I can be "up" and we can have more of that intimate time. Lust, it isn't... It's a wholly different thing than I had when we met. Nor is it just a physical need. 

There should be a lot more discussion of what mature age sexuality is and isn't, and it seems to me that if we men understood it, there'd be a lot less "mid life crisis" problems.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I totally agree with you and was thinking not long ago about all the LD HD talk. I think some of the LD people are not so much LD but the issue is it more that they are not in good relationships or in love with their partner.

SO and I both agree we are enjoying the "best sex of our lives". This is not just based on the physical side of our love making, it is based on the intimacy and connection we share. My body craves his and his mine, it is like we were made to be together. 
The thought of his arms around me and our bodies wrapped around each other thrills me. 

We have particularly open discussions about our sex life, we feel safe with each other and there is a huge amount of mutual respect.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Amen to all of that!!! I truly never understood real intimacy and what it was about. Sharing everything without fear or reserve and having that complete acceptance and unconditional love is the most incredible experience of my life to date. There is nothing better! I can't imagine how I managed 30+ years without it!


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

It comes down to choice. You can choose to focus on all the negative, all the things that bother you and stress you out and such. You can choose the other side and let a lot of the crap slide and focus on the good stuff.

Life is short, it could end in a moment. Ask yourself, if my partner died today, what would matter. What would I miss most? 

Being in the moment and positive can make a huge difference in our lives. My H survived two situations that all the medical teams said he should not have come through. A lot has changed in our lives since that time. We still have to deal with the responsibilities of day to day life, but now we make every moment count.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

happysnappy said:


> Amen to all of that!!! I truly never understood real intimacy and what it was about. Sharing everything without fear or reserve and having that complete acceptance and unconditional love is the most incredible experience of my life to date. There is nothing better! I can't imagine how I managed 30+ years without it!


We stayed together (sometimes angrily) for well more than 25 years without understanding it. 

We're just now seeing how badly we wasted much of it. I hope we never fall into that rut again.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Exactly what I desired with my XW. I wanted to push forward, work through our problems and become closer than two coats of paint. I felt we were....this....close, but in the end she only wanted to leave me for another life.

I was dying inside. I needed that closeness. I .......... not worth it now. This is the reason I can't love another. It takes going through the toughest of times to get to this point. It takes....devotion to each other. Just my take. Not sure it matters any more.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

oldgeezer said:


> But then, we started to work on our relationship - specifically, communication, and some serious honesty. And now, it's once or twice a day... every day - in some fashion. And it's far less about a sex drive, then simply WANTING to be locked in each other's arms, feeling each other, kissing, pleasuring, holding, and just having that soul-baring depth of intimacy.
> 
> Even if you don't have a big sex drive, the need for wanting to be locked in intimate embrace is more than enough to bring you together.





> *Holland said*:
> SO and I both agree we are enjoying the "best sex of our lives". This is not just based on the physical side of our love making, it is based on the intimacy and connection we share. My body craves his and his mine, it is like we were made to be together.
> The thought of his arms around me and our bodies wrapped around each other thrills me.
> 
> We have particularly open discussions about our sex life, we feel safe with each other and there is a huge amount of mutual respect.


I so resonate with what is spoken here...... even though 4 yrs ago...I entered Cougar mode... just couldn't get enough, *LUST *was written all over that phase... I seriously cared more about his aggressive desire than his LOVE...even telling him this..... though that kinda turned him on.... those Hormones was messing with my head !

This has calmed considerably....now we are on the same plateau... how my husband handled me during THAT mismatched high drive time......though how we opened everything up... I was completely vulnerable.. and we communicated & worked through some of the silent resentment he was holding towards me (in our past when he wanted more sex ).... I could not have asked for more... I owe him the world.

There is just some kind of euphoric high we get from just being in each others arms...working it all up....the drive today is lit by the emotional







. 



> At least, this is MY experience. I had no idea how much my sex drive had decreased over the years, with having had it not more often than every few weeks or months. I started taking some natural "enhancers" (no, not the pills to "make you bigger" crapola) doing some exercises and other things (and they help) just so I can be "up" and we can have more of that intimate time.


 I remember your posts,







..you've come a long way in a short time ...the OldGeezer must be feeling pretty young these days! 



> Originally Posted by *oldgeezer*: Lust, it isn't... It's a wholly different thing than I had when we met. Nor is it just a physical need.
> 
> There should be a lot more discussion of what *mature age sexuality* is and isn't, and it seems to me that if we men understood it, there'd be a lot less "mid life crisis" problems.


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Holland said:


> I totally agree with you and was thinking not long ago about all the LD HD talk. I think some of the LD people are not so much LD but the issue is it more that they are not in good relationships or in love with their partner.
> 
> SO and I both agree we are enjoying the "best sex of our lives". This is not just based on the physical side of our love making, it is based on the intimacy and connection we share. My body craves his and his mine, it is like we were made to be together.
> The thought of his arms around me and our bodies wrapped around each other thrills me.
> ...


This is the problem in a nutshell. Thank you! When I felt safe & FELT like I could be vulnerable with him, 
I WAS gagging for it & couldn't get enough of HIM or sex with him. It was about everything good, healthy sex in a good, healthy relationship should be. Now that is no longer how I feel. And I am resentful & sad & angry bcuzididnt do anything to warrant had gone down btw us. I feel like a victim bcuz of a choice I made in being w/ him. No, he isn't a bad guy or immoral. I have just detached & feel hopeless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

oldgeezer said:


> ... is truly having a good relationship.
> 
> I read so many posts here about women not wanting their husband, and vice versa, claims of a total lack of "sex drive" and other things.
> 
> ...


OG, thank you for posting this. It has changed my day & my mood for the better. He & I need to have a real heart to heart tonite. I can't say we will stay together, but I feel better about getting a lot of stuff off my chest. Can I ultimately let go of my resentment & be happy again with him? I honestly don't know. But letting the chips fall will feel good & be productive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

honeysuckle rose said:


> OG, thank you for posting this. It has changed my day & my mood for the better. He & I need to have a real heart to heart tonite. I can't say we will stay together, but I feel better about getting a lot of stuff if my chest. *Can I ultimately let go of my resentment & be happy again with him? I honestly don't know.* But letting the child fall will feel good & be productive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Resentment is a slow stranglehold killer of everything once beautiful....take a look at this thread...

*Resentment test *on the 1st line... 








.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

oldgeezer said:


> ... is truly having a good relationship.
> 
> I read so many posts here about women not wanting their husband, and vice versa, claims of a total lack of "sex drive" and other things.
> 
> ...



Mostly (90%) agree, but there are other factors beyond anyone's control. Childbirth can permanently alter personalities. 

--Wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it firsthand.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

honeysuckle rose I hope you can get to a better place with him. Life is sort and should be lived to the full. You deserve happiness.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I think sex drives are determined by how our parents raised us, what we believe, social experiences, dramatic events, etc. 

I have done what others have told me to do, read e-books, and it all has helped but still no real sex drive increase on my wife's part.

I think if you're secure about yourself and your body, take care of yourself, a low sex drive will more than likely not be the case. But if you don't take care of yourself, lower self esteem, therefore low sex drive and insecure.

You can talk the talk, communicate, but in the end, it's just that, talk. It's the doing that makes the difference in the end.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> specifically, communication, and some serious honesty.


Yup. 

It's been pretty much a rule as I look across all these bitter threads from either side - sex problems with people who have communication issues, and think lying to your spouse is a good idea.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

After the initial bonding wears off, the quality of the relationship is a huge factor in how much - how often and how badly - the parties are and feel *WANTED* by each other.

My fiance and I have spent thousands of hours (easily, and no exaggeration) communicating and working hard on our relationship and to be very in tune with each other, as well as honest and consistent (basis for respect). And we have the sex life to show for it. Not just frequency (>30x month as we hit year the 5 year mark), but quality. It's real easy to get hard/wet when you each make the other feel unconditionally desired and have a positive feedback loop that strengthens each other.

I've seen a couple sigs here about how a person should never be someone else's "Plan B". I can't think of anything better when you look around and carefully evaluate the situation with a critical eye and have to conclude that your partner considers you "Plan A+" and a top priority... and they are concluding the same about you. I find it worth putting in a lifetime's effort for.


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