# i know he doesn't love me but he has asked me to marry him



## lovehimsomuch (Mar 2, 2012)

My boyfriend and i have been together since 2008. The first few months together with him was the happiest i have ever been. He went on a vacation by himself during christmas of that same year, when he came back he was a different person.

2009 he did a complete 180. He called/texted me less, when we were together he seemed like he didnt want to be there, I tried talking to him asking him about whats going on, he kept saying that everything is ok and that he loves me.

2010 my boyfriend lost his job and was going through child custody/support issues. I love him, so i helped him out financially without expecting him to pay me back. In fact i told him that he didn't have to pay me back for stuff that i do for him. I know now that that was a mistake. 

2011 I got pregnant and lost the baby, he blames me. He makes me feel like i have to proove my love for him by buying things for him and/or giving him money, and when i don't he gets angry and i would not hear from him for days. when we go on dates I pay. When we go on trips I pay. I pay for food clothing, gas, everything. If i ask him to fix something at my house I have to pay him. He comes by for sex and food and then leaves as quickly as possible.

2012 I tried to leave him, i told him that i loved him so much but i know that he was just using me. He begged and pleaded and i gave in. I know that he is still angry at me for trying to leave him i can see it in his eyes and it scares me. Our lovemaking is not the same. It is like he is punishing me. I used to love it so much when we made love but now i am so afraid of him because he hurts me so bad. I found out that i am pregnant and once again he is just this sweet loving person again. 

I love this man so much. For the past few days i have gotten the man that i fell in love with back. Is this change temporary? Is the "phase" that he was going through over? Oh god i want it to be true so bad! He has asked me to marry him. Oh god what do i do?


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

*he has to* *have a stable job and balanced life with you for all dimensions.*..marry him , for you love him...*but be sure to convince him diplomatically on the life issues, esp on commercial securities...for a happy life for both..and your products of love..viz the wee ones..to come.*


For the OP and none else...!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If someone treated me like garbage at all during our dating/engagement period, I'd run! Pregnant or not.

He sounds abusive and controlling to me. If you marry him, the likelihood of you being treated well is very slim.

You will live a life of misery and bringing a child up in an abusive environment is so wrong. The red flags are there. 

My husband has never once treated me poorly, we've been together 13 years, married 12.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Erm this should be a huge red flag. If he doesn't love you he can never be in a committed relationship with you. He's clearly using you for your money and sex. By having a kid with you, you're going to be attached at the hip for life and given his leeching ways it's clear to see why he's being so "sweet" _now_.

I would've personally left after he started blaming you for your miscarriage and demanded you buy him things to "prove" your love to him. Given that you fear him at your most intimate moment should again be a red flag. 

He sounds like psycho if you ask me.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

those couple of remarks as above , are one sided and prejudised...he certainly might have had an emotional issue somewhere from his past or rearing up or during 2008 dec...he was weakened from all dimensions of life that he became a desperate one , leaning on his trustworthy woman...this is his immaturity but power of trust on his woman.yet, he sounds a good lover , who is emotionally injured by his life states , that he finds you for both love ,hate n comfort at the same time trying to be loving with a dichotomy on extreme reckless sexual powering on you as a kind of venting out, for your attempt to discard him..it shows his injured love than hatred.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Mark Val said:


> those couple of remarks as above , are one sided and prejudised...he certainly might have had an emotional issue somewhere from his past or rearing up or during 2008 dec...he was weakened from all dimensions of life that he became a desperate one , leaning on his trustworthy woman...this is his immaturity but power of trust on his woman.yet, he sounds a good lover , who is emotionally injured by his life states , that he finds you for both love ,hate n comfort at the same time trying to be loving with a dichotomy on extreme reckless sexual powering on you as a kind of venting out, for your attempt to discard him..it shows his injured love than hatred.


wtf


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

complexity said:


> erm this should be a huge red flag. If he doesn't love you he can never be in a committed relationship with you. He's clearly using you for your money and sex. By having a kid with you, you're going to be attached at the hip for life and given his leeching ways it's clear to see why he's being so "sweet" _now_.
> 
> I would've personally left after he started blaming you for your miscarriage and demanded you buy him things to "prove" your love to him. Given that you fear him at your most intimate moment should again be a red flag.
> 
> He sounds like psycho if you ask me.


wtf !!


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Complexity said:


> wtf


There's a few like that around ... you know the drill


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> There's a few like that around ... you know the drill


Ofcourse you have it iterated , it's getting further shallow for all majority..


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

you just laid it all out for yourself. what would you tell someone with your story to do?

don't marry this guy, he's not in it for you at all.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP/What other warning signs would you like? When he beats you because you're not happy with the hooker he dragged home?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> OP/What other warning signs would you like? When he beats you because you're not happy with the hooker he dragged home?


To the OP it seems you might need this tough love approach as you are being treated poorly and probably can't see it and/or make excuses because you don't want to. This is not a healthy relationship, and I am going to hinder a guess that he is not going to be a good father. 

Just because you are pregnant does not mean you have to stay with the man. In some cases leaving is the better option than staying. When this baby comes, things are going to be very, very different. No time for you. Less money to go around. He appears to be lazy and emotionally abusive. If you stay with him you are going to trap yourself. 

There is always an option in life. Choose the right one for you and your child on the way. That baby is now your first priority.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> To the OP it seems you might need this tough love approach as you are being treated poorly and probably can't see it and/or make excuses because you don't want to. This is not a healthy relationship, and I am going to hinder a guess that he is not going to be a good father.
> 
> Just because you are pregnant does not mean you have to stay with the man. In some cases leaving is the better option than staying. When this baby comes, things are going to be very, very different. No time for you. Less money to go around. He appears to be lazy and emotionally abusive. If you stay with him you are going to trap yourself.
> 
> There is always an option in life. Choose the right one for you and your child on the way. That baby is now your first priority.


WTF !!..

there has to be a different angle for thought in this case...thats never thought by these posters...


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Mark Val said:


> he has to have a stable job and balanced life with you for all dimensions...marry him , for you love him...but be sure to convince him diplomatically on the life issues, esp on commercial securities...for a happy life for both..and your products of love..viz the wee ones..to come.


Go ahead with this...and if it does not work then you can separate..any way you have already been half-married with enough intimacy...try a marriage and see whether it will work.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Mark Val said:


> those couple of remarks as above , are one sided and prejudised...he certainly might have had an emotional issue somewhere from his past or rearing up or during 2008 dec...he was weakened from all dimensions of life that he became a desperate one , leaning on his trustworthy woman...this is his immaturity but power of trust on his woman.yet, he sounds a good lover , who is emotionally injured by his life states , that he finds you for both love ,hate n comfort at the same time trying to be loving with a dichotomy on extreme reckless sexual powering on you as a kind of venting out, for your attempt to discard him..it shows his injured love than hatred.


Are you a troll? Because if not, your posts make no sense. This is a mature marriage forum involving real people's lives, if you do not have anything productive to say don't post. 

I'm sick of trolls and the like treating this forum like their playground.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RUN. This has disaster written all over it. 

I'm with Runs. How many more red flag/warnings do you need to know this guy is bad news?


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> Are you a troll? Because if not, your posts make no sense. This is a mature marriage forum involving real people's lives, if you do not have anything productive to say don't post.
> 
> I'm sick of trolls and the like treating this forum like their playground.


why you are prejudised on Me too..? are you in your real name here..? no rt? even I am in a pen name...how does that make me a troll..? and then it shud make you too...my posts are my points of view , it may not make sense to some or a few or many at times...

Now stop treating people as trolls...this is the greatest mistake your kind do out here...all of you are trolls then, since none of you has your real identity or a very few has..

Chuck your presumptions and your troll fears..!!!take care.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> RUN. This has disaster written all over it.
> 
> I'm with Runs. How many more red flag/warnings do you need to know this guy is bad news?



There are hundreds and thousands who have ruined their relationships with infidelity,still people reconcile...but alas, for such presumptive "signs" people are ruining a love that can be repaired...!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I say marry him! There is only roses and cinnamon buns in your future. He clearly loves you and respects you and will treat you like a queen for your long and happy marriage. You're hanging in there for the right reasons.

Is that what you want to hear?

The faster you move on the better. This relationship is toxic. I recommend counseling because you have some personal issues if you would allow yourself to stay in a relationship like this, before and after your pregnancy.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Mark Val said:


> those couple of remarks as above , are one sided and prejudised...he certainly might have had an emotional issue somewhere from his past or rearing up or during 2008 dec...he was weakened from all dimensions of life that he became a desperate one , leaning on his trustworthy woman...this is his immaturity but power of trust on his woman.yet, he sounds a good lover , who is emotionally injured by his life states , that he finds you for both love ,hate n comfort at the same time trying to be loving with a dichotomy on extreme reckless sexual powering on you as a kind of venting out, for your attempt to discard him..it shows his injured love than hatred.


This is for the loving woman here..she will understand on this ,if she really loves the guy and then she can think over this..

@as for others , it does not have to matter...so dont comment on such posts without any understanding..and thus make uncanny troubles for those who post different from their ways of thinking or understanding .Thank you, if that was okay to say.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Mark Val said:


> This is for the loving woman here..she will understand on this ,if she really loves the guy and then she can think over this..
> 
> @as for others , it does not have to matter...so dont comment without any understanding..and thus make uncanny troubles for those who post different from their ways of thinking or understanding .Thank you, if that was okay to say.


My mother is a loving woman. 

She was treated as the OP is describing, and physically abused for years in front of me. 

I am glad she left, and I wish she'd have done it before I had to witness it. This man does not love her as he should, and with her he cannot get the help he needs.

She needs to leave because that baby deserves a stable household, the guy can find someone else to rape on a daily basis and leech off of. There's not love in that.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

CLucas976 said:


> My mother is a loving woman.
> 
> She was treated as the OP is describing, and physically abused for years in front of me.
> 
> ...



Each such case is having different backgrounds and reasons...so you cant generalize that on OP...

Most of you opined with such common prejudiced states from your own subjective experiences or that you have perceived it to be likewise...

here , this is her case, that can have its own reasoning as I had indicated, it may be a very different POV, and it can certainly be thought over for the love repairs required..

---


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Mark Val said:


> This is for the loving woman here..she will understand on this ,if she really loves the guy and then she can think over this..
> 
> @as for others , it does not have to matter...so dont comment on such posts without any understanding..and thus make uncanny troubles for those who post different from their ways of thinking or understanding .Thank you, if that was okay to say.


Just because she really loves the guy does not mean that he is treating her right.



lovehimsomuch said:


> I got pregnant and lost the baby, he blames me. He makes me feel like i have to proove my love for him by buying things for him and/or giving him money, and when i don't he gets angry and i would not hear from him for days. when we go on dates I pay. When we go on trips I pay. I pay for food clothing, gas, everything. If i ask him to fix something at my house I have to pay him. He comes by for sex and food and then leaves as quickly as possible.
> 
> 2012 Our lovemaking is not the same. It is like he is punishing me. I used to love it so much when we made love but now i am so afraid of him because he hurts me so bad.


Did you actually read her above post before replying? What person would encourage a woman to stay with a man who uses her for money and hurts her.

I think you are replying just for the sake of it.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

CLucas976 said:


> My mother is a loving woman.
> 
> .... the guy can find someone else to rape on a daily basis .... There's not love in that.


In sex, 

Power without Love is-- rape...

but many women also like Power with Love ...like being lovingly powerfully(severely) dealt in sex (as they also wish).

and I infer here OP does not really complain such a love driven violent sex ...but only when he makes it sound as a punishment, in his states of hurt emotions..


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> Just because she really loves the guy does not mean that he is treating her right.
> 
> ---I dint say he is treating her ALL RIGHT..did I ..?
> 
> ...


This is your damn prejudice..I have read it fully..Why are you after Me ???

See,I am giving a different POV than all of you..sensing that he is really not an Exploiter but a circumstantial ill-fated guy as of now regard to his states of finance or emotional enslavery and his male ego etc etc...and he needs to be made aware of what he is doing...he is a good lover ,but in shackles...and their love can be repaired...

see my first Post...and I am replying since I am putting forth my POVs..which might be of help but it is depending on the OP than anybody else out here.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

"Our lovemaking is not the same. It is like he is punishing me. I used to love it so much when we made love but now i am so afraid of him because he hurts me so bad. "

that is 2012, the current year. If it feels like punishment to have sex, that is not love making and she is not enjoying it. 

the mental effects from him approaching sex this way are horrific on the person being used. it is intentional, it's used as a control.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think we should take Gratitude's advice and stop feeding the troll.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Mark Val said:


> *This is your damn prejudice..I have read it fully..and thats why I am giving a different POV than all of you..sensing that he is really not an Exploiter but a circumstantial ill-fated guy as of now regard to his states of finance or emotional enslavery and his male ego etc etc...and he needs to be made aware of what he is doing...he is a good lover ,but in shackles...and their love can be repaired..*.
> 
> see my first Post...and I am replying since I am putting forth my POVs..which might be of help but it is depending on the OP than anybody else out here.


what you're failing to see, is that all of these "enslaveries" you're talking about CANNOT be fixed by her. Right now she's enabling him to stay the same way. She could stay with him forever and it makes what he's doing ok to him because there is no reprocussion for the behavior. Crying, tears, confessions of her feelings, she can do all that and he can shrug it off and continue or get worse.

he needs help, she needs help, there's a baby on the way. It's a very unhealthy situation for all 3 of them to be in whether there is pitty or understanding towards him or not. it's not about them anymore, its about what is best for that child, and growing up watching a relationship like that, in that kind of environment I can tell you from experience is NOT any way for a child to grow up.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

The question is why would you WANT to marry a man who you believe doesn't love you?


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I think we should take Gratitude's advice and stop feeding the troll.


Nonsense!! 

you need your lessons too...I will as well treat you as a Troll here after...!!


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

CLucas976 said:


> what you're failing to see, is that all of these "enslaveries" you're talking about CANNOT be fixed by her. Right now she's enabling him to stay the same way. She could stay with him forever and it makes what he's doing ok to him because there is no reprocussion for the behavior. Crying, tears, confessions of her feelings, she can do all that and he can shrug it off and continue or get worse.
> 
> he needs help, she needs help, there's a baby on the way. It's a very unhealthy situation for all 3 of them to be in whether there is pitty or understanding towards him or not. it's not about them anymore, its about what is best for that child, and growing up watching a relationship like that, in that kind of environment I can tell you from experience is NOT any way for a child to grow up.


---What you are failing to see is what I intent and point out..They need to repair it..either by themselves or by a counsellor if needed...that is obvious for it process...

Instead of trying to mend or repair , ALL of you are telling in your *IMPULSIVE and PREJUDICED *states to discard and ruin their relationship that can be Repaired...Cant you understand ,what you people are saying to Destroy their possible Deeper Relationship..?

Even infidels and multi-sex wives and hubbies are forgiven and reconciling, why cant there be a Try to even mend this relationship,which seems dear to the OP aswell..?whats wrong in giving it a Try..? Ponder.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Mark Val said:


> *he has to* *have a stable job and balanced life with you for all dimensions.*..marry him , for you love him...*but be sure to convince him diplomatically on the life issues, esp on commercial securities...for a happy life for both..and your products of love..viz the wee ones..to come.*
> 
> 
> For the OP and none else...!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, stop getting pregnant till you're in a stable, preferably committed relationship. Second, if you're going to marry someone who doesn't love you, make sure you bookmark this site. Preferably the CWI forum. So when he does find someone he loves, you'll be able to recognize the red flags of infidelity.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovehimsomuch (Mar 2, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your advice and comments i really appreciate it because i couldn't talk to my family or friends about this. It is so embarrassing for me. I know that this is not the kind of life that i want for me or my child.

Update: He has texted me his menu for dinner (as always) and i told him that we need to talk. I am not planning on ending our relationship today because i really want to give it a chance, on the off chance that this change is real but i am going to tell him that i can't marry him, not just yet. If he is sincere about this change after some time, i would love more than anything to be his wife because i love him so very much. I will tell him about how he has treated me in the past and how i am not sure that he will not go back to treating me badly again.

I know that i will not be able to say all of this to him when we're face to face so i have written it all down in a letter. I am going to prepare the dinner that he asked me to and i'm preparing his favourite dessert and i've gotten his favourite wine and after dinner i am going to hand him the letter.

I am literally shaking as i think about confronting him this evening and i am praying for courage to do it. He hates it when i tell him no. I mean i am not breaking up with him i'm just postponing the marriage. God help me. I hope he understands.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why would you marry someone who doesn't love you?


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

To Jellybeans' question, I'd like to add this one: what is it you love about him?

I hope the conversation goes well for you, btw. Every step you take towards preserving yourself and your baby is a good step.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Why would you even consider marrying someone who you think doesn't love you and who has treated you like this? I say run for the hills.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Mark Val said:


> he has to have a stable job and balanced life with you for all dimensions...marry him , for you love him...but be sure to convince him diplomatically on the life issues, esp on commercial securities...for a happy life for both..and your products of love..viz the wee ones..to come.
> 
> 
> For the OP and none else...!!


If you wanted just the OP to see it, PRIVATE MESSAGE IT. You cant expect to post something in a forum and not have people respond.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> If you wanted just the OP to see it, PRIVATE MESSAGE IT. You cant expect to post something in a forum and not have people respond.


if they want to respond,then have some understanding before they ever do..and as for the message ,private or public , it is for the OP..period.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

lovehimsomuch said:


> Thank you all so much for your advice and comments i really appreciate it because i couldn't talk to my family or friends about this. It is so embarrassing for me. I know that this is not the kind of life that i want for me or my child.
> 
> Update: He has texted me his menu for dinner (as always) and i told him that we need to talk. I am not planning on ending our relationship today because i really want to give it a chance, on the off chance that this change is real but i am going to tell him that i can't marry him, not just yet. If he is sincere about this change after some time, i would love more than anything to be his wife because i love him so very much. I will tell him about how he has treated me in the past and how i am not sure that he will not go back to treating me badly again.
> 
> ...



Are you alive after the dinner and letter ..??


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## lovehimsomuch (Mar 2, 2012)

I am alive. I realize now that he is not the same person that i fell in love with. This person he is now is a total monster! He desperately needs help but i can not fix him. I have to save myself and my unborn child.

What you guys are doing on this site is a blessing! You're there for total strangers who sometimes really don't have anybody else. May God bless all of you.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

You are a brave and strong woman. A powerful decision you are taking! Your child will have a wonderful mother, and one day, you will meet a man who is worthy of you, and of being your child's father.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

If there are any doubts in your mind - dont do it.

You deserve to be loved and cherished, and he just sounds like he's not the right fit. Giving in to him and allowing him to treat you this way (manipulating) is not only going to affect you and make you feel bad about yourself, but it's also going to teach your child things you may not want them to believe.

I would leave now, if it were me. The honeymoon phase of the relationship is long over and he's showing you his true self. People do not change, deep down inside. He is a moocher and just using you.

Texting you his menu? WTF? seriously?
Before you kick his butt out of the door, I'd text him MY menu and tell him to cook me and his unborn child a dinner once in a while. 

He sounds like a selfish jerk, from what you have described, and I really hope for the best for you. You deserve the best, and someone who will treat you right. Stop focusing all of this love on HIM and start loving yourself. Then you will find someone truly deserving of your love and time.

If you have a daughter, you wouldn't want her to be treated this way would you?


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

It's called the "honeymoon period" where you've been apart for awhile..you gave him everything he wanted whenever he wanted it.

If I were you, before I married him, I'd make him work for you. Tell him you're not sure..that maybe you two need a dating period where you can see other people to make sure that you two are right for each other.

I know that you love him lots, but he hasn't exactly proven HIS love for YOU. Take some time for yourself so that you don't lose yourself in loving him. If he loves you enough..he'll wait.


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