# Ladies need some advice



## Madhatter72 (Jun 6, 2016)

Here is some background. Married for 15 years, wife says that I haven't given her what she has needed for quite some time (emotional support, communication, ect). So I discover that she had been texting and such with another man (she says there was nothing to it, and I caught it early and I really think she is telling the truth). 

We have the big argument and when she tells me all this about me not giving her what she needs it hits me like a ton of bricks. She says that she loves me but hasnt been in love for quite a while. She says that it would suit her fine if she never had sex again. For the first time in 15 years I do not feel secure in my marriage. I am devastated. I told her I would do whatever she needed me to and change whatever needs changing. I actually like this new way of thinking and feel like crap for wasting all this time being such a asshat. 

Now she tells me that she needs time to sort things out and that she can't tell if I am being fake or what. She says she is feeling smothered. what can I do to prove to her that this is real and I love her more that the world?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hooo boy. You need to do some reading in Coping with Infidelity. 

First, your wife screwed up so why are you letting HER call the shots here???? GROW A BACKBONE. Your wife probably had sex. Assume she did. Get STD tested. 

The "I love you but am not in love with you' thing is so common we have abbreviated it to ILYBINILWY. Or sometimes just ILYBNILWY. 

By telling you that it's YOUR fault she cheated, she is doing what we call gaslighting. Look that term up and read all about it.

Read this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I'm sure you're shocked but doesn't excuse her gaining attention elsewhere. Im so sorry for what you must be feeling. 

Shes feeling smothered because you want to work things out? After the shock factor wears off, allow yourself to really think this out. Ask her when did this go wrong? Why didn't she share her feelings and or find ways to save the marriage before finding another man to text. 

I'm sorry, you deserve much better. If the two of you can't work together and if she can't stop making excuses for "why" she was gaining attention elsewhere this won't work. It sounds like she's been gone mentally and emotionally for some time. This isn't fair to either of you. She basically gave hersef a window of time to allow herself to disconnect, be ok for when you found out and already prepared to move on. You deserve time to figure you out before thinking you want to win her back.


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## Madhatter72 (Jun 6, 2016)

Its been rocky for quite a while. She had pretty high expectations of me when we married (Biblical husband, father ect) I fell short of those and many other things. I am not a talker, she is. And the list could go on and on. I thought we were "ok" but needed work and were doing what we needed to do to keep the end goal in site and be kind of a work in progress. 
I feel awful for not giving her emotionally what she required all this time. Bad thing is she has told me numerous times what she needed and I ignored her. Never really hit home until she went elsewhere for what I wasn't giving her. 
Now I am dying inside.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

If I wasn't getting emotionally what I needed from my husband, that wouldn't excuse me from reaching out and finding that in another man. That only creates more problems to fix.

If she's wanting the biblical father ect husband, did you both try marriage counseling? Did she ask? I would attempt to do this and try working things out. I'd also give her space and not let her call all the shots. If she wanted to be back in love with you (her husband; whom she made vows to) she would work toward making things right. She has to place effort, as you do. This marriage crumbling apart doesn't just fall on your shoulders.


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## Madhatter72 (Jun 6, 2016)

I agree it's no excuse.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, did you read what I said? Did you do any of it?


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