# Trying to figure out what to do



## Lazarus_1_506 (Aug 4, 2012)

This is complicated, so i am going to try to keep it as breif as possible.

I am trying to figure out if i should continue with separation/divorce or not.

I am unhappy. That is clear. Background

As unwise as it was, we married after 2 weeks of knowing each other, while i was on leave from deployment. This will sound bad but i was more about making extra money from the military than it was about her at that time. In my head i planned to get it annulled when i came home. This was over 5 years ago

I came back and I attempted to make it a good marriage. However with the exception of approximately just under a year, we have never lived in the same home. I lived on or near my military base, and she lived in a house i payed for 3 hours away in her home town near her parents.

She has a child from before when i met her. In the beginning i attempted to become a "father figure" to this child. As long as i was playing with, or buying stuff for him, everything was good, but anytime i tried to do any kind of discipline i was eaten alive by my wife and her mother. Due to this, i can honestly say i have gotten to where i care not about this child, i don't hold ill will to him, just don't want him in my home if he can walk over me.

She also cannot have any more kids, i was told in beginning her tubes were tied but that she could have kids with surgery. Come to find out she had her insides cut tied and burned which means without a $13,000 invitro procedure, there is no chance of having kids.

The biggest knock in the teeth was that while deployed she cheated on me, and told me that she was raped when i returned. I took time out of work and my career to ensure she got the help a rape victim would need from therapist and such only to find out a few months later she was texting back and forth and sending sex vids via phone. We almost split then, but i was going through PTSD/Depression and just didnt care enough to do anything about it. Recently she admitted to the fact that there was no rape cause she went to him to "get her car worked on" and never told him no, and actively participated.

At this point, i have moved out(if you can call it that considering i only ever visited my home once a month anyway), and have my stuff in storage. I have sent her back to her parents since she wants to live so close, i told her to stay with them. I have over the course of our marriage, supported her and got her to get a 4 year degree, but she still is in the same dead end job she always had, supported her child, but was rejected as this kids parrent and reduced to a baby daddy that didnt even make the baby, and so much more


I am not saying that i did no wrong during this, i am strong minded and stubborn, and due to PTSD/Depression/Injuries can be difficult to live with. 

But i cant help feeling that it shouldnt be this hard.

I dont think i love my wife, but i am scared to leave thinking that well I have someone who cleans/does chores, touches my PeePee, i might not find that again. But at what cost...

Its got me goin nuts, any advice, for or against would be helpful

thnx


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She is a broken woman so I don't know how your life can get worse then that. There are plenty of women willing to please their man without cheating on them, with their money. Divorce is a no brainer in this one.

Oh and you might want to get tested for STDs.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It didn't start off well, it didn't go well, and no matter what you do, it won't end well either. It wasn't really what you could call a marriage. Get on with your life and when your mature enough, find a girl who is in it for real.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I dont think i love my wife, but i am scared to leave thinking that well I have someone who cleans/does chores, touches my PeePee, i might not find that again. But at what cost...
> 
> Its got me goin nuts, any advice, for or against would be helpful
> 
> thnx



You can get that from a maid and a massage parlor for probably less money than you having to put out for your wife. Those reason are not good enough to stay in a marriage that was not right to begin with and now you have a wife that has lied and cheated on you. 

*Well all that is beside the point. The point is what Anchorwatch said in his post above. Great post Anchorwatch! *

You are young and not trapped. You have a lot of choices and can make a good life for yourself. Don't let hurt emotions cloud your thinking.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Lazarus_1_506 said:


> I am not saying that i did no wrong during this, i am strong minded and stubborn, and due to PTSD/Depression/Injuries can be difficult to live with.


Any woman you meet will have some kind of issues and you will always have issues too. No woman wants to live with a man like you describe yourself. She cannot possibly be happy, so any issues she already has will be compounded by you. "Difficult to live with" is just that, difficult to live with. Who can be happy in that circumstance? Nobody. Yet, just like you went on to express, women have needs just like you do. She needs to feel loved and respected. It was bad enough, although understandable, you were not around to give her any real love and comfort but when you were around, you were making life difficult for her and mistreating her. I wonder if you did the same over telephone calls when you were deployed. Women respond to their man, and your wife was responding to you - the loneliness, the alienation, the bad treatment, and the disrespect. 



Lazarus_1_506 said:


> But i cant help feeling that it shouldnt be this hard.


It wouldn't be this hard if both of you didn't make it so hard -you just as much as her. You came here to complain about your wife. All the men agree with you, but you are no prize catch either. It actually seems to me you are both the same. Any man or woman who marries someone after just two weeks don't think much of themselves or each other. That is nothing to build a marriage on and not surprising it turns out to be not much of a marriage. And, any man who thinks so little of his wife and thinks he can treat his wife however pleases should expect whatever he gets.



Lazarus_1_506 said:


> I dont think i love my wife, but i am scared to leave thinking that well I have someone who cleans/does chores, touches my PeePee, i might not find that again. But at what cost.


That's what I mean. You didn't think much of her to begin with. She is nothing more to you than a maid and s*ut. You project that onto her in every way. While you think you are just being difficult, you are being insulting and belittling to her. It isn't as though she is so stupid that she cannot recognize it. Obviously, she cannot read your mind, but she certainly knows how you make her feel when you are projecting.

Get counseling for yourself, and get marriage counseling so you can both learn how to build a marriage on honesty and respect. While the counseling is going on, stay separated and try learning each other. Date for a while and get to know yourselves and each other. Then, decide if getting back together is a good idea or a bad one.

Or, just leave her alone and get a divorce. Not because of what she has done to you but because you are in no condition to be anybody's husband. Plus, no woman deserves to be the wife of a man who doesn't love her and only uses her for chores and his pee pee. That is the most awful statement I have ever read on these boards. I know a lot of men think that way, especially since they agree with you, but at least most have enough sense not to admit it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

River,

Again you continue to draw conclusions without any real background in the issue. 

It's obvious that the OP made some mistakes along the way but you seem to have lost sight of the fact that this woman cheated on him while he was deployed.

True, his choice of words (and reasons) for wanting to perhaps preserve this union were not well chosen, That was unfortunate but what he seemed to be expressing was his fears of being alone and I hope that his wording was an attempt more at humor than anything else.

While I can agree that if he does truly feel this way, he is demeaning his wife. However, let's not forget what she has done here too. As is often the case, there's plenty of blame to go around but you just seem determined to pin it on just one of them....The Man.

Believe me, I am not here to defend the male species from all attacks. God knows some of us deserve it and need to be called on the carpet and I have no trouble doing that to any man on these boards.

Also, I think you are the one that has a problem with how YOU think men think. Your statement "I know a lot of men think that way, especially since they agree with you, but at least most have enough sense not to admit it" is one that is both insulting and small minded.

I suggest that you should also heed some of your own advice and "Get counseling for yourself". It seems you have some very deep seated issues 
"


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## Lazarus_1_506 (Aug 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> River,
> 
> Again you continue to draw conclusions without any real background in the issue.
> 
> ...


Its true, im not the best spoken at getting my feelings/thoughts across, and i simply meant that to be a funny statement to lighten a very serious topic that makes me uncomfortable to talk about.

The statements i made about me being difficult to live with, is more in line with the fact that i now have things wrong due to injuries that happened while deployed, not so much i am being a "terd". I also didn't want to come across as me blaming her for everything, and more-so that i realize that we both made mistakes...

For me, this entire "marriage" has been me sacrificing and her benefiting. Now i ask her to make the same sacrifice that i have which is to move away from what she knows so i can be near my family/home and she is unwilling.

There is so much more to it than i can put in here but to sum it up it just comes down to this, do i stay with someone who has cheated on me in the past, and lied terribly about it and risk being alone forever, now that i have been injured while overseas and may never again be fit and a "catch"

or stay where i am, which is stable, but is not a happy situation...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Get your act together soldier, you deserve someone who want's to be with you for you. Stop the self pity. Look around your nothing special. Millions of disabled people get up every morning and do better than those who have physical advantage over them. Because they refuse to let their disability hold them back. 

Once you learn to be happy with who you are, you'll learn you don't need anyone to make you happy. In short, your happiness is not dependent on someone else. Move on and start the life you deserve, one that doesn't include people who disrespect you or you disrespect.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Lazarus_1_506 said:


> Its true, im not the best spoken at getting my feelings/thoughts across, and i simply meant that to be a funny statement to lighten a very serious topic that makes me uncomfortable to talk about.


Funny how I thought you were very articulate. 
And then came the common and expected I was just joking.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

River1977 said:


> Funny how I thought you were very articulate.
> And then came the common and expected I was just joking.


River,

So you call the guy articulate in one breath yet you didn't find that sentence that set you off out of character compared to the rest of his post?


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