# So Sad, Confused and Lost



## Tiredspouse0297

Hi all,

Prior to my divorce I had posted and gotten some excellent advice. I ended up leaving my husband and filing for divorce. He was a very controlling, emotionally abusive man but I know he loved me very much and still does. 

We've been apart for a few months and the divorce was final last month. I've been sad, especially the first month or two but thought I had settled into a better pattern. Not depressed or crying everyday but not ready for any kind of new relationship. 

There were times I imagined what it would be like to go back and there is so much pain and anxiety attached to that thought that I knew I made the right decision. 
This hasn't stopped me from missing him or loving him but taking him back just can't happen. 

Then, last week, he tells me he has a sex buddy. She's not attractive or his type but it helps him escape reality for a while. I was calm when he told me but by the time I got home I was so angry. Mostly at him for telling me in the first place but also for the second round of pain I was going through because of his refusal to do anything to fix our marriage. Of course I felt jealous but mostly I just started to let out all the anger I felt towards him for his behavior. 

He takes full responsibility for our marriage ending and has pleaded with me for another chance but again, the fear and pain keeps me from going back. 

I've come to realize how much I do love him and miss him but know I can't be with him. So I'm left with my heart breaking all over again except this time it seems worse. I have no claim to him and I want him to be happy but it's very hard knowing he's spending his time with this woman. It makes me so sad and angry that he acted the way he did, even when I pleaded with him to change, that he hurt me so much emotionally that I had to leave and now I have to see him with someone else. 

I cry all the time. I've talked to him about how I feel and all he can say is he's so sorry, he wishes he hadn't been such an ass all those years, never wanted to hurt me in any way. What I miss is the way we were the first half of our marriage, not the second half. Of course he's been so nice since I left it makes it hard to remember how bad it was when I left. 

I feel like I'm rambling but what I need to know is, is this a normal feeling. Is this something I just need to work through? I feel like distance would help but I'd miss his friendship and my kids still want to see their step-dad and step-sisters. 
I'm such a train-wreck right now, it's like I'm the one who got left.


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## Jellybeans

I don't understand why he's telling you about new sex partners. Seems like a low blow. 

It's normal to feel sad like this after a relationship ends. It sounds like you already know that it's not meant to be with him. You will be fine in time.


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## Catherine602

Why do you think he told you this? Just sharing with ya? Nooooo, he wanted the effect he is having on you now. He is still manipulating you and controlling you. He will continue to push your buttons and if you let him you'll be a puppet on a string while he is having the time of his life. 

Why are you having any contact with him? It's counterproductive for you. He having fun manipulating you but what do you get out of it? Cut off contact with him, he is toxic and you are not strong enough to have anything to do with him. Let him live out his empty existence with out you as an audience. 

Make it your mission to work on you, to increase your self esteem and faith in your self. You may not feel ready for a relationship but what about just meeting a friend for coffee or dinner something light and fun. 

The best revenge is to live well, don't be waste time having any more emotion with this man he is not worth it. His only goal with you is to string you along and watch you sweat - you up for that? 

Or are you going to get your self together and start living then you can tell him all about it see how he likes it . You can do it. The biggest step you made was to get a millstone from around your neck, and you did it. This is no time to rest on your laurels. Get into some interest that will bring you in contact with new people and exercise, do your nails, and hair, buy new stylish clothes. 

The watch him bounce on a string when he realizes that he is not leading you around by the nose.


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## sisters359

If he was controlling and emotionally abusive, this is a ploy to make you think you made a mistake. Don't fall for it. Thank your lucky stars you can see through it and know that you will never have to put up with his crap again. Realize that he has rushed in with a new woman b/c he needs someone to control, and he's planning on using her. He may be in his nice stage now, but you know the real him--not willing to take responsibility in a relationship (but oh so willing to say, oops, sorry, afterwards). You miss what you had early on, but that wasn't the real him and you know what he is really like. Good luck, and I hope this stages passes fast for you!


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## Sakaye

My dear,
I agree with the previous posts. Your ex is still manipulating you.
I understand your sadness etc., but I don't understand why you are still allowing that much contact with him. His actions are totally classic. Talk to you, let you continue to confide in him, accept all the blame, keep apologizing for being such a douche all these years, then bam, tell you he's boinking someone else. He KNOWS you'll revert back, and since the divorce is final and you seem pretty adamant on not being back with him, this is his only way to keep you from moving on. So in a sense, you haven't really because as previously stated, he's continuing his games on you. Its his nature. 
Its very hard to break away from this kind of viscious cycle. Its been going on for years and you may still be oblivious to it because you've been around it for so long. He's taking advantage of the fact that you still love him and miss him.
Thats the kind of stuff you just have to stop telling him. You need to start letting go and spacing yourself farther away. Oh its super hard, especially when you love him still, I know. It took me a long time, several months, approx. 2 to just be able to talk to my H civilly w/o any breakdowns etc. But I think abut him and what happened and still cry. We might be better for now, but I still understand your pain of trying to mve forward. Its so painful. But it will pass. But it won't just pass by itself, you gotta move yourself forward. Do things that are you oriented. Get out, get a manicure or something, go for a alk, join a gym, find a hobby, anything to not only keep you busy but to give you something to look forward to regularly. It will get better with time. Hang in there, don't let him continue getting the best of you. You deserve better than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

sisters359 said:


> If he was controlling and emotionally abusive, this is a ploy to make you think you made a mistake. Don't fall for it. Thank your lucky stars you can see through it and know that you will never have to put up with his crap again. Realize that he has rushed in with a new woman b/c he needs someone to control, and he's planning on using her. He may be in his nice stage now, but you know the real him--not willing to take responsibility in a relationship (but oh so willing to say, oops, sorry, afterwards). You miss what you had early on, but that wasn't the real him and you know what he is really like. Good luck, and I hope this stages passes fast for you!




SPOT ON. IN time, his true colors will show to his new partner(s). Abusers never change-they get worse over time.

You guys are divorced now--you owe him nothing.


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## mariem1967

Well you should be thankful to him for telling you about his new gf. That definitely means you should forget him and start your new life. Distance is actually good idea i think cause it seems you're not strong enough to move on. The worse thing is that you actually don't want him back but you want old days from the beginning of your marriage back and you know it is impossible. be strong and move on, i am sure after some time you'll be ok. All you need is time but it's only up to you if it's going to be few months or years.


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