# Should I be worried?



## Startingover11 (Jan 13, 2012)

I posted this on a different forum, but I thought I'd put it here too.

I apologize, but this may be a little long.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, and met someone, ultimately leaving my wife for her. She was in the same situation, and left her husband for me. We've been incredibly happy for the past year since we've met. Engaged, we can not wait to get married.

Here's the other thing. Prior to us meeting, we both were unfaithful to our spouses. Since we've met and devoted ourselves to each other, I have cut off all ties with these other women, as has she, however, there is one individual whom she had 'encounters' with that she continues to communicate with. She swears it's over, there's nothing there other than generic friendship. I trust her 100%, no doubt that she wouldn't let anything happen. But they IM each other here and there over messenger and the language bothers me.

He'll say, "Hey babe, miss you" and she'll reply, "I miss you too, how are things?" This goes on a little here, a little there. I logged in once and found him saying, "I wish we could get away to get reacquainted." I confronted her about it and she called him out saying their past needed to stay in the past. To the comment of 'missing' each other, she mentioned that it just meant that she missed the friendship that had slipped away (rightfully so), and NOTHING more.

She does tell me when they talk and what is said, and how it goes. I know she's just trying to help me understand that to her it is a friendship. She also said that if anything ever gets inappropriate, she's done and she'll tell me right away.

My fiance is gorgeous and has such a sassy, sexy personality. It's no wonder this guy can't get her out of his mind.

This thought of their conversations has become an obsession of mine that I can't get out of my head. My mind wanders and I think of the "what if's".

So, after blabbing here, what are your thoughts? Is there really anything to worry about? How big of a deal is the 'hey babe, I miss you' messages?

Going mental here!:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you should be worried. She is carrying on in an inappropriate way with another man. And she’s playing mind games with you. Mind games that you are buying into.

How many affairs did she have when she was marriage? One with you. One with this guy. How many others?

There are two kind of cheaters. Those act totally out of character and cheat once in a life time. Then there are serial, or multi-cheaters. I think she’s falling into the multi-cheater category. Getting attention from men is more important to her than a man’s love.
Her friend is her fallback guy. She’ll always have him to go to just in case. She cannot live without the attention and emotional stroking of more than one man.

That’s my take.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I agree with E... You have much to worry about. The simple fact that this relationship bothers you (the supposedly most important man in her life) should be enough for her to end it. 

Be afraid... be very afraid.. or be wise and move on.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, of course you have to worry about it. Another male that your g/f was sexual with is openly pursuing her. And, she is allowing it.

The mistake you are making and allowing to happen is you think that you cheated becuase you had a bad wife, and you buy into the lie that your g/f cheated on her husband becuase he was a jerk. Also, you think her being pretty has something to do with anything. You know why she cheated and you know why you cheated? Because you don't respect the boundaries of a marital relationship. That is plain and simple. You could also say that the two of you have a "cheating gene". 

It is important that you frame your past and your g/f's past this way as YOUR BEHAVIOR and not luck, situations, bad partners etc. Because what you have to tell her that since each of us has this "cheating gene" that in order to continue a relationship and go into a marriage we BOTH need to take extraordinary precautions against affairs. And mainly this is no independent contact whatsoever with the opposite sex.

If you cannot get her to agree to this, you will be in for a world of hurt.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Sometimes, the easiest place to hide is in plain sight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I dont think you have anything to worry about.

she started a relationship with this man when her marriage was faultering. Obviously there will be feelings there for this guy, but that doesnt mean she will continue seeing him. It is possible for women to have platonic relationships with men they have previously slept with.

Bottom Line: Whatever happens, happens. Be a man: Set your boundary and forget about it!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Startingover11 said:


> .
> 
> So, after blabbing here, what are your thoughts? Is there really anything to worry about? How big of a deal is the 'hey babe, I miss you' messages?
> 
> Going mental here!:scratchhead:


Allowing any relationship with past lovers is asking for trouble. Especially when they use such intimate language to communicate.

This would be a deal breaker for me if she refused to end the relationship.

Ask her if she would accept it if the tables were turned if she says yes start texting an ex "babe" and see what happens
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

You have nothing to worry about… It’s not like she has done this before, It’s not like she committed to somebody then went behind his back and found somebody else.. It’s not like she does not respect or honor her word and it’s not like she has a history of putting her wants and manipulating the situation to get what she wants at the cost of Oh say her husband or fiancé ….. No why would you be concerned ignore that feeling in your gut…. The same feeling her ex husband and your ex wife had.. Life is sweet and she will be yours for ever and nothing can break the bond of two (cheating) soul-mates. :rofl:


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Poetry to my ears. Beautiful, just beautiful. I love you man. I do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Can you say deal breaker! Please do not set yourself up for failure!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Of course you should be worried!

You're both cheaters with multiple people...and she still talks to one.

This isn't bio-chemistry! This is pretty basic. She's a cheater, you're a cheater. Be worried.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Heck yes you should be worried, you are both by definition serial cheaters. Your hiatus just seems to be longer than hers. Btw you do know that cheating is considered a form of abuse, and for you to sit there and say you have cheated multiple times but she was abusive? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black.


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