# What Would I Have Done Differently?



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I was reading Scrambled Egg's post and it got me wondering what I would have done differently had I a better understanding of betraying. 

In retrospect I think rather than any snooping I would have just filed for divorce at the first knowledge, with or without verification, left ir kicked her out and then let it play out- up or down. 

No big drama. No big scenes. Just start the process to end the bleeding and see how it went. She could protest her innocence and lie and manipulate all she wanted, but just let it slide. If she really and truly wanted to R, then she can fully prove it to me without me making any demands what so ever. All up to her. If it was the true desire of her heart, then it may have worked.

But I can't believe the energy I put into making things better just to be continually kicked in the head.

What would you have done differently?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OMG !!!! I would have done everything differently !!! I often find myself saying, "Oh, I wish he'd cheat on me now..."

-sammy


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Me?
After Dday #1, D. R wasn't worth it, you know.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> In retrospect I think rather than any snooping I would have just filed for divorce at the first knowledge, with or without verification, left ir kicked her out and then let it play out- up or down.
> 
> *She could protest her innocence and lie and manipulate all she wanted, but just let it slide*.


I agree with filing for divorce as a shot across the bow even if you ultimately want to R. 

However it’s difficult to stick to your guns when your WS is crying and professing their innocence and love for you. You not only have to deal with your own second thoughts but also those of your friends and family. 

Snooping and some proof would help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Probably nothing different, really. 

Years and years later I wondered if I should have physically hurt her OM but I am glad i didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

i think i would have blown up the OM more...just made everything a little more known to people rather than just keep it confined to a few close friends.

honestly though; that probably would have derailed our R....so i guess nothing.

in the midst of the whirlwind, when my wife and i were split up, i did find myself down and out...and i just took some days off from work and drove. i headed north for no real reason at all....at one point; i found myself very close to the OM home town....i wish now that i'd swung by for a "visit".


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Probably nothing different, really.
> 
> Years and years later I wondered if I should have physically hurt her OM but I am glad i didn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did to one of them and glad I did.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

We are in R but I know now that if I had filed for D and exposed right away I would have saved myself a great deal of grief.

I still think about beating the crap out of the OM. That has not diminished with time


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i don't want to sound like a **** and i know it may sound that way but after reading your other posts i am truly shocked you didn't divorce her the first time she walked out on you and went to live with the other wealthy guy.....i know you were in boxing but did you get hit in the head to many times to not say to your self the hell with you and divorced her...did you honestly think she learned her lesson?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Xenote said:


> i don't want to sound like a **** and i know it may sound that way but after reading your other posts i am truly shocked you didn't divorce her the first time she walked out on you and went to live with the other wealthy guy.....i know you were in boxing but did you get hit in the head to many times to not say to your self the hell with you and divorced her...did you honestly think she learned her lesson?


She was the love of my life. I wanted to hang on to her no matter what. Now I see how wrong that was.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I did to one of them and glad I did.


He was older than me and not in a good shape, so it would have probably gone badly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What I would have done differently is divorce him immediately after DD1 and not wait until 30 years later when DD2 occurred. I am not a fan of R. It works for some but for many of us it does not.


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

I would have not kept things hidden. I would have exposed what was going on to everyone. The OM's wife. Her co workers, both our families. Forget how it looks to others, forget the embarrassment. EXPOSE it to everyone immediately. That is best advice I can give to anyone who finds themselves in this tough position.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

javawave said:


> I would have not kept things hidden. I would have exposed what was going on to everyone. The OM's wife. Her co workers, both our families. Forget how it looks to others, forget the embarrassment. EXPOSE it to everyone immediately. That is best advice I can give to anyone who finds themselves in this tough position.


Like, like, like, like , like, like, like, like, like....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I would not have wasted so, so, so many years trying to "fix' things with my cheating wife. I should have realized it was not a one-time thing, a mistake. It was in reality a long-term affair--and not the first one.

Her character issues were not and are not something I can fix or really could tolerate being victimized by.

I should have exposed her affair, gotten a lawyer, kicked her out, and done my darnedest to get full custody of the kids in a divorce.

My problem was that I could not imagine that she would cheat once, let alone so disgustingly for so many years.

It too me a very long time to realize that sometimes the woman you marry is merely the woman you want to and think you married.

She is not that woman. Finding out she can deceive, lie, cheat? That should should've clued me in as to her true nature.

I'm wiser now, but what a price in years and emotional investment!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> I was reading Scrambled Egg's post and it got me wondering what I would have done differently had I a better understanding of betraying.
> 
> In retrospect I think rather than any snooping I would have just filed for divorce at the first knowledge, with or without verification, left ir kicked her out and then let it play out- up or down.
> 
> ...


I couldn't have done anything differently because I had to come through to the other side to understand betrayal.

If I had my current understanding without having had to earn it the hard way, I would have exposed my ex's affair to the world the day after I found out instead of protecting their secret in the hopes of reconciliation. That just protracted the pain and never did anything to enable reconciliation.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I was reading Scrambled Egg's post and it got me wondering what I would have done differently had I a better understanding of betraying.
> 
> In retrospect I think rather than any snooping I would have just filed for divorce at the first knowledge, with or without verification, left ir kicked her out and then let it play out- up or down.
> 
> ...


You were three times betrayed, maybe the first one..just when she came back, but with the second the writing should have been on the wall. But you tried.

Thing is although you might regret it now, you truly did all you could. Maybe you needed to go through that process.

I've been cheated on twice, by two women. Second one I fought like hell so much so now if any woman so much as raises a pink napkin let alone a red flag, she's gone. Zero tolerance.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Its easy for someone ELSE to be a hardass and tell you "walk away man, divorce that beeyotch, move on"...its not them (although here, most if not all of us HAVE been through it) and I am the first one to tell peeps to run like the wind when she cheats

but truth is, you cant look back and second guess yourself, hindsight being 20/20 is SO true where infidelity is concerned...
other than the death of a child or parent, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING will deystroy a man (albeit temporarily) like being cheated on...the feeling in the pit of your stomach, the taste in your mouth, the surreal way the world looks to you when and right after finding out, the complete and utter destructiuon of everything you know, the possiblity that you will be a weekend dad, or every other week dad...how can ANYONE be judged for how they reacted

some people here handle it very well, if not text book perfect, others handle it horribly and become door mats...most are in the middle...

Its been 7 months since my D day...we are divorced, we have joint custody of my daughter, my ex went back to her ap briefly but is now wanting to discuss R with me (she wants to start over, date)
I HATE thie fvcking beetch with all of my being...every time I drop off my daughter and she screams and cries that she wants to stay with daddy, every time I PICK UP my daughter and she screams and cries that she wants to stay with mommy...the behavior problems my daughter began to demonstrate at school after my ex moved out (shes over that now but it was bad)...I can go on and on with the devastation my ex wreaked by climbing on strange deek...I have NEVER hated someone with as much disdain, lack of respect, vehemence as I hate my ex

if she called me and told me she was in her car, upside down in a ditch, and needed help, I would hang up on her and go about my day...unless of course my daughter was with her, and then I would go save MY DAUGHTER


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hindsight being 20/20 I hate to say it, but I wouldn't change a thing. As much as this whole thing screwed me all up in some ways. I just know that if I could have been John Wayne about this whole thing, nothing would have turned out the way it did.

I don't think my kids would have seen *( Especially my oldest )* the pain I went through. Look I want to say I cried every time in my bedroom out of earshot or out of sight of my kids. But reality is sometimes they just caught me off guard. Walking into my room, coming downstair to my moms and I didn't hear them. If I cried 1000 times they might have seen the start or ending of 10 of those episodes. 

But I think it was all of that.. The pain, the suffering that made things the way they are today for me. 

If I would have changed anything it would be one time.. The time I was so upset I had to pull over to the side of the road.. I just began to text my Ex and telling how much she destroyed me. How much she crushed me and how much I loved her still. How much I hated myself for loving a person who would do this to me, but I was powerless.. 

That was one time I completely felt so lost.. To sit there in my car and realize that no matter how cruel, uncaring and thoughtless my Ex was I still loved her.. It just didn't make sense to me, I was so lost.. It was those times I hated the most. Being alone somewhere and not knowing what to do.


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