# Am I wanting to much?



## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Am I the only one who can't figure out why there can't be a happy medium? I realize know one is perfect. I've made many a mistakes and far from perfect but I wonder if I wasn't meant to stay single and just please Men many days. 

There is no happy middle ground. Either guys just want you to please them for sex and have no feelings what so ever in anything else OR they want you to be at their beck and call with everything else and if you want intimacy ..you can forget it...because they just can't be bothered. 

Is there truly anyone out there who is getting it all in one package because I;m convinced it just doesn't happen.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It does happen. But I wouldn't have been convinced until my marriage of 23 years ended.... and I met a guy who knows what CONSIDERATION means, and what CHERISH means, and kindness, and all those other loving things that REALLY make ya feel loved. 

I don't have enough words for it...but it's out there!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Usually when people say "all the men/women I date are the same" it's not really because all men or all women are the same, but because they have patterns. There may be something that is initially drawing you to the same kind of man who then possesses these qualities that frustrate you -- there's a connection between your "attraction" and the negative. Trying to figure that out might help.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

But it's also possible that a lot of us guys just suck


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Usually when people say "all the men/women I date are the same" it's not really because all men or all women are the same, but because they have patterns. There may be something that is initially drawing you to the same kind of man who then possesses these qualities that frustrate you -- there's a connection between your "attraction" and the negative. Trying to figure that out might help.



I'd have to agree with you, however I went the total opposite of the spectrum this time. My Kid told me what I was attracted to was not working so I met a guy and it took me awhile but I realized he treated me much better then others. Still does but it feels more like we are good friends rather then husband and wife.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I have it all in the one package with Mr H


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I hear your pain, I pretty much see it the same way. We were created a little too different from one another and causes a great deal of conflict.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

John Lee said:


> But it's also possible that a lot of us guys just suck


That's what I'm seeing


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

mitzi said:


> That's what I'm seeing


Well I was joking. But you admitted that you don't really feel attracted to the guys that meet your other needs. So you might want to examine why that is.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My belief is to work towards becoming THE one instead of searching for THE one.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It happens.You have to be emotionally healthy and love yourself in addition to feeling content and whole while alone before you'll begin finding men who possess the whole package you need.

You have to know what you want and who you are before you'll stop getting into relationships with and attracting all the wrong men.
You also have to be able to voice clearly,without games,what you want and what you need from your partner.

The good men are out there and they will gravitate toward you but you have to know how to recognize them,appreciate them,and treat them.

Speaking from experience on this one


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My belief is to work towards becoming THE one instead of searching for THE one.


I love this.:smthumbup:


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I have changed myself in many ways. However you can only change so much of your beliefs and if what you thought was one way only to have them show you later on it wasn't the way you thought at all, well then what? I love my husband..there is no doubt about that but I also know there is needs of mine that need to be met as well. If he acts like he doesn't even want to acknowledge that then..I don't know. I do realize as well you were joking John but it is what it is. 
I'm not saying Women don't suck either because we can as well...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Not sure I'm following -- are you talking about your current husband? Are you dating? Are you in a second marriage?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

mitzi said:


> I have changed myself in many ways. However you can only change so much of your beliefs and if what you thought was one way only to have them show you later on it wasn't the way you thought at all, well then what? I love my husband..there is no doubt about that but I also know there is needs of mine that need to be met as well. If he acts like he doesn't even want to acknowledge that then..I don't know. I do realize as well you were joking John but it is what it is.
> I'm not saying Women don't suck either because we can as well...


When you're meeting a person's needs (assuming you are definitely without a doubt meeting their needs) and they aren't rising to meet your needs in return,you have to question why you continue to waste time on the person.What's going on inside of you that you allow someone to be this way toward you?Why are you attracted to men who lack the skills required to be in a healthy relationship?


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

No I'm in my third marriage. Yes 3rd. 1st one was when I was 16 and had my two children from. 2nd one was with a much older man and I thought even if I didn't truly love him...It would be ok because I would do it for my kids. So they could have a dad in there life (1st husband met women online and left us). It turned out to be a huge mistake because he was extremely abusive. Was several years before I would even get into anything serious after that. My current husband was nothing like I was use to. A true gentleman and didn't and doesn't need to prove anything to his friends and is great with my kids who are adults and on their own now. However the one and only downfall is I am a very sexual very sexually needing women and he is so opposite the spectrum. Some people would think that wouldn't be a big issue because if you don't know what it is like to be a passionate person sexually then you truly wouldn't know what an issue this is.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> When you're meeting a person's needs (assuming you are definitely without a doubt meeting their needs) and they aren't rising to meet your needs in return,you have to question why you continue to waste time on the person.What's going on inside of you that you allow someone to be this way toward you?Why are you attracted to men who lack the skills required to be in a healthy relationship?


As I said before....if you are with this person and they are showing you one thing...like my husband when we were dating was meeting all my needs sexually. We moved in started our business and then it was constant talking about why my needs weren't met and he will tell me he'd work on it...and nothing


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

mitzi said:


> As I said before....if you are with this person and they are showing you one thing...like my husband when we were dating was meeting all my needs sexually. We moved in started our business and then it was constant talking about why my needs weren't met and he will tell me he'd work on it...and nothing


So can he confirm with you that you're definitely still meeting his needs? If you are,there's no reason for him to be this way unless he just isn't into you anymore. it's also possible hehas an underlying emotional or physical issue


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

He gets mad if I don't kiss him when I leave or tell Him I love him..He says I don't love him like I use to which is not true..I am just frustrated. He went on meds for depression to try and help with it but I think it went further south.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

mitzi said:


> .He says I don't love him like I use to which is not true..


it's not true from your perspective but it's obviously true from his perspective if he's saying it to you. Ask him to provide reasons he feels that way if he hasn't already.in order to fix things,you have to know where the disconnect is occurring. It's his job to tell you bc how the heck else are you supposed to know? He also needs to be aware that someone has to make the first step,one of you has to stop withholding love and start putting forth 100% again before the other person can follow and do the same. It has to start somewhere.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

mitzi said:


> Am I the only one who can't figure out why there can't be a happy medium? I realize know one is perfect. I've made many a mistakes and far from perfect but I wonder if I wasn't meant to stay single and just please Men many days.
> 
> There is no happy middle ground. Either guys just want you to please them for sex and have no feelings what so ever in anything else OR they want you to be at their beck and call with everything else and if you want intimacy ..you can forget it...because they just can't be bothered.
> 
> Is there truly anyone out there who is getting it all in one package because I;m convinced it just doesn't happen.


There are plenty of us guys around that offer it all, most of us are just in relationships with women that take us for granted. Check us out in the sex section usually posted under some sort of affection starved relationship.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> There are plenty of us guys around that offer it all, most of us are just in relationships with women that take us for granted. Check us out in the sex section usually posted under some sort of affection starved relationship.


Oh...well that sucks for me now doesn't it LOL...Guess I should have gone there first LOL...JK - 
I have to wonder though...if a women was to find one of these men...and the men were to finally get their needs met from their wives...do you think they would still do things such as go to porn sites or lust over skinnier younger and prettier girls?


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

mitzi said:


> Oh...well that sucks for me now doesn't it LOL...Guess I should have gone there first LOL...JK -
> I have to wonder though...if a women was to find one of these men...and the men were to finally get their needs met from their wives...do you think they would still do things such as go to porn sites or lust over skinnier younger and prettier girls?


That completely depends on the individual of course. As for me I would still like to view porn sites but along with my wife. I don't lust after skinnier younger girls but I do like to politely admire them when i see them. My desire to watch porn sharply decreases when my sex life is good. I also notice that my interests in admiring other women also decreases when my marriage is good. My point of view is that there is no finer piece of art than the female body (and not just the skinny girls) but just like in the art museum I admire and move on, I don't want to take them home with me.

If your saying that you are willing to meet his intimate needs and he is more interested in watching porn and looking at other women then there is a bigger problem to solve. I'd have to find out why he would rather have the porn than the real thing.

Funny thing about the porn for me though is I don't like most of todays porn I would like to view some with people my age (50's) and not so perfect (fake) bodies, something that looks close to real life love making.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

John Lee is on the money! First look for that pattern in yourself then CHOSE to brake it. I am certain you will you will then find whom you really desire. When things occur short periods of introspection are health, but do not dwell either. Sometimes things are us and sometimes they are others issues. We all have issues, yet the key is to brake them first. Things generally end up 50/50 in the end.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> That completely depends on the individual of course. As for me I would still like to view porn sites but along with my wife. I don't lust after skinnier younger girls but I do like to politely admire them when i see them. My desire to watch porn sharply decreases when my sex life is good. I also notice that my interests in admiring other women also decreases when my marriage is good. My point of view is that there is no finer piece of art than the female body (and not just the skinny girls) but just like in the art museum I admire and move on, I don't want to take them home with me.
> 
> If your saying that you are willing to meet his intimate needs and he is more interested in watching porn and looking at other women then there is a bigger problem to solve. I'd have to find out why he would rather have the porn than the real thing.
> 
> Funny thing about the porn for me though is I don't like most of todays porn I would like to view some with people my age (50's) and not so perfect (fake) bodies, something that looks close to real life love making.


Wow that was a great reply. Ty so what if that 
Piece of art was flirting with you? Do you think
You'd still be able to move on?

No my husband doesn't do the porn unless we do
It together. I feel that I'm missing a major piece
In our marriage and a couple of factors play in it.
One me always having to inniciate sex and two never feeling
Like he will protect me. I guess so I feel he's not
Being very manly and I know that is my faults
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

mitzi said:


> Wow that was a great reply. Ty so what if that
> Piece of art was flirting with you? Do you think
> You'd still be able to move on?
> 
> ...


I know I would be able to move on. I have done it many times even when I was not married. I have turned down a sure thing in the past, I need the emotional connection. I would not feel comfortable having sex without the connection. That is why I am so sure that I would never cheat on my wife no matter how bad our sex life gets. Also my personal Integrity and the example I need to set for my children will not allow mw to do it.

Why do you feel he would never protect you, what has he done that would lead you to believe this. 

I have never been one to be aggresive or been tempted into fighting. I would rather avoid the situation if possible. However if I thought someone close to me, my wife or family, were in a serious chance of being hurt I would be the first person in.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

It's nice to hear a man come on here and say that. I don't mean like physical confrontation but well we have our own business and that means at times an unpleasant customer that doesn't like something. I've had a few unpleasant names thrown at me and instead of him sticking up for me and saying hey you don't talk to my wife like that...he is worried about his Friends not being happy about the situation. I'm like ..WHAT?


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

mitzi said:


> It's nice to hear a man come on here and say that. I don't mean like physical confrontation but well we have our own business and that means at times an unpleasant customer that doesn't like something. I've had a few unpleasant names thrown at me and instead of him sticking up for me and saying hey you don't talk to my wife like that...he is worried about his Friends not being happy about the situation. I'm like ..WHAT?


I wouldn't tolerate that either. I can understand the desire to avoid pissing off a client when you have your own business, but you can't let them treat your wife badly either. I don't think I would even let them treat an employee of mine badly either. 

You know maybe this isa part of the issue with my wife. She has a problem with our kids not doing what she asks them to. When they don't do what they are supposed to she will keep nagging them and then she will defer to me to drop the hammer on them. I keep telling her that she needs to follow through with the consequences for their actions. I have told her that they will lose respect for her authority if she continues to use me as the enforcer. Maybe she sees this as my not wanting to protect her.

We were watching a movie a while back where one of the characters took a bullet for someone. I don't remeber the details but at the time she made the comment that I wouldn't do that for my family. I firmly told her that if she believed that then she had no idea who she married. I got no reply from her.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> I wouldn't tolerate that either. I can understand the desire to avoid pissing off a client when you have your own business, but you can't let them treat your wife badly either. I don't think I would even let them treat an employee of mine badly either.
> 
> You know maybe this isa part of the issue with my wife. She has a problem with our kids not doing what she asks them to. When they don't do what they are supposed to she will keep nagging them and then she will defer to me to drop the hammer on them. I keep telling her that she needs to follow through with the consequences for their actions. I have told her that they will lose respect for her authority if she continues to use me as the enforcer. Maybe she sees this as my not wanting to protect her.
> 
> We were watching a movie a while back where one of the characters took a bullet for someone. I don't remeber the details but at the time she made the comment that I wouldn't do that for my family. I firmly told her that if she believed that then she had no idea who she married. I got no reply from her.


I don't think it's totally fair of Her to expect you to always be the enforcer in the kids discipline. It should be equal on both sides. If that's why she thinks you wouldn't take a bullet for your Family then I'm sorry to say She's a little confused. It in my opinion should be understood by the both of you to come to an understanding on how to be equal partners.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

mitzi said:


> Wow that was a great reply. Ty so what if that
> Piece of art was flirting with you? Do you think
> You'd still be able to move on?
> 
> ...


Why do you feel it is your fault?


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> Why do you feel it is your fault?


Not that I am at fault for it but that maybe I am being to judgmental about it. I guess it's probably just his personality but he said to me not ago that while he was helping a friend with his garage, his wife came out and the friend started calling her stupid and everything. He told me he wanted to come down off the ladder and punch him in the head. I felt like saying "are you kidding me?" I think it's great that he wanted to knock him out for being rude to her but It made me once again feel that I wasn't important enough to him to tell some loser to never call his wife a C word again! I didn't say anything and just tried to let it go.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

mitzi said:


> Not that I am at fault for it but that maybe I am being to judgmental about it. I guess it's probably just his personality but he said to me not ago that while he was helping a friend with his garage, his wife came out and the friend started calling her stupid and everything. He told me he wanted to come down off the ladder and punch him in the head. I felt like saying "are you kidding me?" I think it's great that he wanted to knock him out for being rude to her but It made me once again feel that I wasn't important enough to him to tell some loser to never call his wife a C word again! I didn't say anything and just tried to let it go.


I don't think that is being judgemental at all. I think you missed an opportunity to point out how wrong he was for not standing up for you. I would never let someone call my wife the C word and not respond.

I have done the same thing by just letting things go to avoid the argument since I did not feel it would make a difference or that she would get the point I was trying to make.

I think it is a mistake to do that now, also since I have kind of detached I don't care if she gets mad anymore. What is she going to do shut me off from once every two months sex, LOL!:rofl:


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

mitzi said:


> Not that I am at fault for it but that maybe I am being to judgmental about it. I guess it's probably just his personality but he said to me not ago that while he was helping a friend with his garage, his wife came out and the friend started calling her stupid and everything. He told me he wanted to come down off the ladder and punch him in the head. I felt like saying "are you kidding me?" I think it's great that he wanted to knock him out for being rude to her but* It made me once again feel that I wasn't important enough to him to tell some loser to never call his wife a C word again! I didn't say anything and just tried to let it go.*


Mitzi, is it possible that he thinks you can handle the situation yourself?

In my case, I don't have to speak for my wife. She's quite capable of putting anyone in line. :smthumbup: She knows it and I know it and would become perturbed if I tried to step in. 

If it became physical, I would go psycho!


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> I don't think that is being judgemental at all. I think you missed an opportunity to point out how wrong he was for not standing up for you. I would never let someone call my wife the C word and not respond.
> 
> I have done the same thing by just letting things go to avoid the argument since I did not feel it would make a difference or that she would get the point I was trying to make.
> 
> I think it is a mistake to do that now, also since I have kind of detached I don't care if she gets mad anymore. What is she going to do shut me off from once every two months sex, LOL!:rofl:


LOL...well it's nice to see you have a great sense of humor about it LOL...I gave up counting the months! 
I just figured it would pretty much be a waste of my breath. I am never right. He always has an answer for everything so sometimes it's just easier letting it go then listening to another lame ass excuse.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

T&T said:


> Mitzi, is it possible that he thinks you can handle the situation yourself?
> 
> In my case, I don't have to speak for my wife. She's quite capable of putting anyone in line. :smthumbup: She knows it and I know it and would become perturbed if I tried to step in.
> 
> If it became physical, I would go psycho!


Maybe but it's always been this way since day one. I had a crazy ex and it got pretty nasty..he stalked me and broke restraining orders and such. My Husband (then boyfriend) would say to me "Oh he's harmless, you'll be fine). I finally had to take him to court again to leave me alone and the judge asked him why he was stalking me. He told the judge that we were together for six years so that makes it his right! The judge looked at me and then the sheriff..he told the sheriff to escort me out and make sure I get into my car safe and leave before the ex was allowed out. He put in the order that he had no understanding of reality and was to stay far away.
It's like my husband has no concept of reality sometimes either.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

mitzi said:


> Maybe but it's always been this way since day one. I had a crazy ex and it got pretty nasty..he stalked me and broke restraining orders and such. My Husband (then boyfriend) would say to me "Oh he's harmless, you'll be fine). I finally had to take him to court again to leave me alone and the judge asked him why he was stalking me. He told the judge that we were together for six years so that makes it his right! The judge looked at me and then the sheriff..he told the sheriff to escort me out and make sure I get into my car safe and leave before the ex was allowed out. He put in the order that he had no understanding of reality and was to stay far away.
> It's like my husband has no concept of reality sometimes either.


If that's the case, disregard my question. Mitzi, I don't get this either. :scratchhead: I doubt you have any respect for him...


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I try and tell myself its not how he was raised.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

mitzi said:


> I try and tell myself its not how he was raised.


That's very possible, mitzi. I was raised the same way, but gained a lot of "street smarts" along the way. It hardened me...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I still think you have to look at the thread title and the way you're framing this. This is marriage #3. Admittedly, #1 was very young so perhaps that doesn't count. But you chose this guy. You're not 16 anymore. You're asking "Am I wanting too much?" like as in "Is it too much to ask that life gives me ____?" But life doesn't owe you anything. This is the guy you picked. Something drew you to him, for better or worse. Now you're kind of throwing your hands up: "where are the good men?" like you're surprised with what you got, like it wasn't your choice.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Well your wrong John Lee...I'm simply trying to figure out maybe different ways that I am looking at this and trying to get insite because sometimes others see it different. You don't know my life or what happened in it and I am not judging yours so don't judge mine. I did choose this man and you know what...I don't think there is THAT PERFECT GUY! ... If you are so perfect and your marriage is so perfect...why are you even on this site.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

mitzi said:


> I'd have to agree with you, however I went the total opposite of the spectrum this time. My Kid told me what I was attracted to was not working so I met a guy and it took me awhile but I realized he treated me much better then others. Still does but it feels more like we are good friends rather then husband and wife.


This made me think of something.

My brother got divorced a long time ago. Never had much luck meeting he kind of women that seemed to work out.

Long story short? He went to some online dating thing (..I know..I know...) who basically told him "You $uck at chosing women. Look at your history. Let us choose for you and listen to what we tell you."

He has been with a _fantastic_ woman for 5 years now, and they have been engaged to be married for just over a year. They are awesome together.

Anecdote. Shrug. Shaking up the 'selection process' may not be bad thing however.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

My husband is the total opposite of what I am use to. I thought he was super geeky when I met him and I was in no hurry in dating anyone. He changed his flight schedule back home so he could take me out. That won me over. No guy had ever done that for me before. I have no problem with how he treats me as far as every day. It's what he's not doing in the intimacy department. He just seems oblivious to my needs. It's like he's off into another world all the time when it comes to that.


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