# "Agree to disagree" not good enough for women?



## Agahi (May 11, 2017)

Hey everyone. 

It seems to me that my wife doesn't or won't recognize "agree to disagree" in any arguments. For example I enjoy comedy shows and of course I would prefer that my wife enjoys them too but she likes old classic movies. I have my reasons not to like them but do I need to have a reason? Isn't a simple "I don't like it!" enough?
My wife believes that comedy shows - like Friends and How I Met Your Mother - are stupid and she has her reasons but does she need to have a reason?

I do not oppose discussing why one genre is better that the other as long as these discussions are fun but my wife gets so defensive and angry as if she owns the movie and start insulting every other genre and all the people who watch them. So my suggestion would be the old "agree to disagree" solution which doesn't seem to be good enough for her.

Today I was thinking perhaps women in general are not fans of "agree to disagree" solutions.

Am I missing something here?


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Not a women problem 

More of a narcissist problem


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: &quot;Agree to disagree&quot; not good enough for women?*

Agreeing to disagree I have no problem with. It's not a woman problem. It's a person problem. 

Ask her what's more important to her:

Being right or accepting who you are?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Agahi said:


> Hey everyone.
> 
> It seems to me that my wife doesn't or won't recognize "agree to disagree" in any arguments. For example I enjoy comedy shows and of course I would prefer that my wife enjoys them too but she likes old classic movies. I have my reasons not to like them but do I need to have a reason? Isn't a simple "I don't like it!" enough?
> My wife believes that comedy shows - like Friends and How I Met Your Mother - are stupid and she has her reasons but does she need to have a reason?
> ...


Scott Adams describes this in his logical fallacies series. He defines it as the "I am the world" error.

"I do not like Country and western music, therefore Country and Western music is not popular."

Your wife seems to have an ego problem.


----------



## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Possibly she has low self-esteem and/or she's a "personalizer". When you disparage old movies, she feels personally attacked. Tedious, but not uniquely feminine.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I can't remember the last time I talked to a woman and it was any different. The ones I knew might say they agreed to disagree. Then, the hammer falls later. You wonder what the hell you did. Then, you figure it out. 

I think I talk with the wrong women.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Never been a case with the women I dated. If you can’t agree to disagree then you have to agree on everything. What the hell Chance is that going to happen?


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Mrs Krabappel - "Well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree."
Principal Skinner - "I don't agree to that." 

My exW, not only would she not agree to disagree, but if I agreed with her, but not quite emphatically enough, she would have a temper tantrum. This happened numerous times, and once even led a bemused marriage counselor to incredulously ask her "But.....why does he always have to agree with you?". 

But I agree (or rather, I disagree to agree), that's it's not just a woman problem. Plenty o' men like that too.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yep, plenty o' men like that. I agree. I also know that the subject matter has a lot to do with this phenomenon. And, each person, man or woman, is different, but I would almost bet everyone has at least one area they will not agree to disagree. I think the idea that it is possible is faulty.


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

You have an issue with one woman and make this about a whole gender? Are you sure the problem is entirely hers?

You want her to watch your shows- she doesn't
She wants you to watch her movies- you don't. 
Have you tried "taking turns" with the remote? Or how about doing things together that don't involve the TV?

You're a married couple. There must have been some common ground for you to get married. What are the things you do like to do together?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't see why anyone should be vehement about the TV shows that they like to watch unless you two are fighting over a single TV to watch them.

My ex (English) would tape the Australian soap opera "Neighbours" and watch it in bed. I was ok reading a book but every now and then I would chide him about it. Search with keywords "kylie Minogue" and you'll see why. In any case, his favorite TV show was hardly the reason why we divorced.

I know with my sister and others there are one or two no go topics with her or else she "switches on " and I've got a day long lecture on my hands.

IF you are satisfied that you don't bait her, then yes, I think you have a problem on your hands.


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> I don't see why anyone should be vehement about the TV shows that they like to watch unless you two are fighting over a single TV to watch them.
> 
> My ex (English) would tape the Australian soap opera "Neighbours" and watch it in bed. I was ok reading a book but every now and then I would chide him about it. Search with keywords "kylie Minogue" and you'll see why. In any case, his favorite TV show was hardly the reason why we divorced.
> 
> ...


I'm not a sports fan....so I have sat in sports bars and superbowl parties with a book beside me to read when it got too boring for me. 

You can compromise if you make it more about spending time together than just simple entertainment. My guy has a man-cave with a huge TV- he watches sports and his shows whenever he wants- it's easy that way. I have a smaller TV in my bedroom.
We do watch TV shows/movies we are both interested in together.

We usually compromise when we go out to a movie (but most of the time it's something we both have interest in seeing). Point is...it's possible.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I do not have to watch her shows. I am allowed to watch my own shows alone. I do have to go to her movies, I am not allowed to go to my movies alone or together. She can't stop me when she is at work.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It’s good enough, and many time preferable to me.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think there is a difference between compromising and agreeing to disagree. Compromising should be the goal, in my opinion. Agreeing to disagree just means to me that it won't be brought up in the future. I don't know how good that is, but if it happens too often, maybe you aren't right for each other? 

I think a counselor could help you get to the bottom of why you can't compromise more often and have to agree to disagree. I think I would see a marriage counselor if that was the case, and I wanted to keep my marriage and make it better, happier, more satisfying.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Agahi said:


> Hey everyone.
> 
> It seems to me that my wife doesn't or won't recognize "agree to disagree" in any arguments. For example I enjoy comedy shows and of course I would prefer that my wife enjoys them too but she likes old classic movies. I have my reasons not to like them but do I need to have a reason? Isn't a simple "I don't like it!" enough?
> My wife believes that comedy shows - like Friends and How I Met Your Mother - are stupid and she has her reasons but does she need to have a reason?
> ...


Your wife is not womanhood.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I say ''agree to disagree'' in discussions, but not with my husband yet. So far, we try to see one another's points of view, and we may not agree, but respect the other's opinions on something. But, ''agree to disagree'' isn't gender-specific. I say it, and know plenty of other women who say it.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It is the sign of a fragile ego, no matter the gender.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Scott Adams describes this in his logical fallacies series. He defines it as the "I am the world" error.
> 
> "I do not like Country and western music, therefore Country and Western music is not popular."


Nice!

My example tends to be broccoli, but it's the same fallacy:


> "I don't like broccoli, therefore broccoli is nasty. Anyone who says they like it is just pretending or showing off."


At the risk of agreeing with everyone else, I don't think it's gender linked.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And here is the entire list of Dilbert's Logical Fallacies:-

Dilbert's Logical Fallacies


----------



## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And here is the entire list of Dilbert's Logical Fallacies:-
> 
> 
> 
> Dilbert's Logical Fallacies




[tj]

I have never seen this before! I read it out loud to my daughter (high school senior) and we both laughed until we cried! Her sister (my oldest and a college freshman) has used over half of these, if not more, and it drives my younger daughter to distraction — she’s printing 20 copies as I type this because her sister will be home for 3 days for the Thanksgiving holiday. You have armed my younger daughter well — thank you!

[/tj]


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KaraBoo0723 said:


> [tj]
> 
> I have never seen this before! I read it out loud to my daughter (high school senior) and we both laughed until we cried! Her sister (my oldest and a college freshman) has used over half of these, if not more, and it drives my younger daughter to distraction — she’s printing 20 copies as I type this because her sister will be home for 3 days for the Thanksgiving holiday. You have armed my younger daughter well — thank you!
> 
> [/tj]


Glad it has been of help! It might help your other daughter, too.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Agahi said:


> Hey everyone.
> 
> It seems to me that my wife doesn't or won't recognize "agree to disagree" in any arguments. For example I enjoy comedy shows and of course I would prefer that my wife enjoys them too but she likes old classic movies. I have my reasons not to like them but do I need to have a reason? Isn't a simple "I don't like it!" enough?
> My wife believes that comedy shows - like Friends and How I Met Your Mother - are stupid and she has her reasons but does she need to have a reason?
> ...


It could not be YOUR wife. It has to be "women". Sheesh.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Had an "agree to disagree" argument with my husband yesterday which I would like opinions. The reason for the disagreement does not really matter, it's what my husband said to me with regards to _discussions_ surrounding the agree to disagree topic. 

We have different ways of handling issues. I know I will never convince him to see things my way and he will never convince me that his way is better. I'm happy to let it be but he wants to talk about it whenever the issues comes up. 

He wants to discuss (see debate) it to offer input and different views on the subject matter. I hate, hate, hate debating. I'm no good at it and find it exhausting. So unless it's something new that we've never discussed, I prefer to just not bring it up. 

He believes bottling up our differences causes resentment. I disagree (another one of the things we disagree on). I don't have to have agreement on every issue to be happy. 

So who is right?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yes, it will build resentment over time. You will ignore his opinions and do what you will without his knowledge. He will be surprised and confused by this. 

You will resent him for his reactions to what you've done, if not for his "demanding" debates. I would think it easier to get at some compromise before doing things behind his back.......and vice versa. 

Neither of you is "right". Neither wants to compromise. Seems like you both should work toward one goal first. That is, he is too logic based or so it seems, and you are a bit whimsical. Both of you could work on softening your approaches. Maybe think about working on how to have a good discussion with some suggestions from both sides, backed with "reasons" you each believe in your ideas. 

Consistently supporting each other and proving to each other that you can trust, is essential and how it grows over time.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lila said:


> Had an "agree to disagree" argument with my husband yesterday which I would like opinions. The reason for the disagreement does not really matter, it's what my husband said to me with regards to _discussions_ surrounding the agree to disagree topic.
> 
> We have different ways of handling issues. I know I will never convince him to see things my way and he will never convince me that his way is better. I'm happy to let it be but he wants to talk about it whenever the issues comes up.
> 
> ...


I think that the topic of your disagreement is very important. While most things a couple disagree on are small and not worth thinking about much, there are some that a HUGE and can divide a couple over time.

Does your husband want you two to agree on all things? Or are there just some things that are important to him to be in agreement with?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Agahi said:


> Hey everyone.
> 
> It seems to me that my wife doesn't or won't recognize "agree to disagree" in any arguments. For example I enjoy comedy shows and of course I would prefer that my wife enjoys them too but she likes old classic movies. I have my reasons not to like them but do I need to have a reason? Isn't a simple "I don't like it!" enough?
> My wife believes that comedy shows - like Friends and How I Met Your Mother - are stupid and she has her reasons but does she need to have a reason?
> ...


Yes, you are missing something here. This is about you and your wife, not "women in general".

Taking something that you and your spouse do and then trying to blame it on "women in general" (Or any large group of people what do not include you), it a way to relieve yourself of the responsivity you have to address a problem in your marriage. Sorry dude, your problems belong to you, not 'women in general'.

From your post it sounds to me like you also get defensive. So now you have two defensive people trying to justify their stance to each other. When that happens not one ever wins the argument because both become entranced. When things get to this point, stating that you want to agree to disagree is simply a way to tell your wife to 'shut up'. That's probably why she goes on and on and pushes it and gets more entrenched.

Have you ever tried to not explain your point of view and just listen to her state hers? And then when she's done talking, tell her that you understand what she's said?

Could you describe how these 'discussions' start? what is going on? Who brings up the topic first? Are you watching a movies and she just walks up and starts to go at your for watching you show?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Yes, it will build resentment over time. You will ignore his opinions and do what you will without his knowledge. He will be surprised and confused by this.
> 
> You will resent him for his reactions to what you've done, if not for his "demanding" debates. I would think it easier to get at some compromise before doing things behind his back.......and vice versa.
> 
> ...





EleGirl said:


> I think that the topic of your disagreement is very important. While most things a couple disagree on are small and not worth thinking about much, there are some that a HUGE and can divide a couple over time.
> 
> Does your husband want you two to agree on all things? Or are there just some things that are important to him to be in agreement with?


 @EleGirl and @2ntnuf, I didn't mention the topic because I don't want the thread to turn into a debate about the topic itself. I wanted to keep it general because this happens with other things as well. Suffice it to say that we share the same goals, we just differ on how to get there. Most of the time, it doesn't make a difference which path is taken because the end result is the same. There's only a few times when the path has any effect on the outcome. This happens to be one of the few times.

My husband doesn't necessarily want me to agree but he wants to debate it which I find EXHAUSTING. He says he uses my arguments to measure his response to things and he says these debates help him conclusively make his decision. My argument is we've discussed it lots of times. Why can't he remember the last time we debated the topic? 

Does this make any sense at all?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> @EleGirl and @2ntnuf, I didn't mention the topic because I don't want the thread to turn into a debate about the topic itself. I wanted to keep it general because this happens with other things as well. Suffice it to say that we share the same goals, we just differ on how to get there. Most of the time, it doesn't make a difference which path is taken because the end result is the same. There's only a few times when the path has any effect on the outcome. This happens to be one of the few times.
> 
> My husband doesn't necessarily want me to agree but he wants to debate it which I find EXHAUSTING. He says he uses my arguments to measure his response to things and he says these debates help him conclusively make his decision. My argument is we've discussed it lots of times. Why can't he remember the last time we debated the topic?
> 
> Does this make any sense at all?


Probably he forgets because he is so intent on being right, instead of considering another point of view. Sounds like he respects your opinions. He just doesn't know how to let go of his self-righteousness. Been there and done that. It sucks, because I wanted to listen and consider, but I wasn't able. I think part of it is picking the right time to talk. Sometimes, when we are too wrapped up in our own thoughts, it's not a good time to listen. He needs to figure out his opinion while you show him he can trust you not to make him feel stupid or whatever negative he thinks he is going to feel. Sad, really, since he is sabotaging himself.

Edit: Not so much "while you show him", but I guess I was thinking something that won't work well. This is on him. Just keep showing him you love and respect him as you have. He's got to learn to step back from his emotions and let himself be wrong sometimes, without condemnation from himself.


----------

