# 20 year old wife wanting a man's opinion



## mammah (May 12, 2009)

My husband and I have been married since September but have only lived together for about 2 months due to him being away in the Air Force. We married young(I'm 20 and he's 23) and are trying work out the kinks of our relationship. We only knew each other 3 months prior to getting married so it is a learning process. I am not typically a jealous person and trust him alot but seeing as he has lied a few times about girls I have become somewhat jealous and tend to 'snoop' a bit into his computer and whatnot. Now I know this is wrong but I can't help it because he has lied to me so I feel like it is the only way to know the truth. Before he met me he was considering going back to his ex-girlfriend who he dated for 3 years. She is the only serious relationship besides me he has ever had. Now let me just say I know my husband loves me but I just feel like to have a working relationship forever you really need to let go of those past relationships and I feel like he has not let her go. She is 24 years old and has a daughter. She has had a hard life and his family was there for her so much so that she lived with them for a decent ammount of time when they were dating. They broke up about 2 years ago and since have stayed friends but he has hooked up with her several times since they broke up. Now here is the problem- She ims him online and texts/calls him too much for my liking. He keeps saying he can't just not talk to her...my question is why? We moved to florida(he is from west virginia) so it's not like he is going to see her again. He keeps saying she doesn't have anybody there for her so that's why she turns to him but at this point I mean she is 24 years old with a daughter...why does she need to turn to my husband for her problems? In my opinion, she should grow up and realize he is married and take charge of her own life. Well, I thought he had finally stepped out and stopped talking to her till I swore I saw a text on his phone from her so I decided to check his computer(after weeks of not checking it because I really trusted he hadn't talked to her) and sure enough they talked...

I guess I just don't know why he cares more about her feelings then mine. If I'm uncomfortable with him talking to her should he respect that? What can I do to bring this up again without telling him I know they talked because I snooped his computer?

I really hate being a jealous wife but I feel like he leaves me no choice...ughh


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## Tr000thSeeker (May 11, 2009)

Pointer(s):

The very fact that *you* are looking for a resolution proves your loyalty/commitment to your marriage. Mention this to him. Constant socio-politics and manipulation are poisonous to the trust in any marriage.
Tell him you don't trust him, and explain *very clearly* what you mean.
Our culture (unfortunately) expects males in the air-force to have certain (unhealthy) traits with-respect-to loyalty toward the spouse. By-the-way, this goes both ways! (Meaning: wife cheating on a husband who is away on air-force duty.)
Understand what you're getting into when you marry anyone who will be away from you for extended periods of time. It can be very difficult emotionally and sensually!
Idea(s):
Tell him to stop talking to her while at the same time you should offer/insist *exclusively* on providing her with reasonable emotional support.
Note(s):
It looks like he feels she has no emotional support, and since he cares for her he wishes to fill that role.


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## mammah (May 12, 2009)

Thanks for your response. You bring up some very good points. I just want to throw in there this isn't something we fight about often as I am trying to trust him and not bring it up. We have not talked about her in some time because I thought they were not talking but I guess I was wrong.
He does care about her a lot and I totally understand why. I just wander why he feels he needs to be the one to offer her that support when she has friends and a boyfriend who should be able to offer her that support. I also wander why she feels like it is okay to go to him knowing he is married with a two week old daughter.

Like you said I am very commited to this marriage and he is too. We both want this marriage more than anything and are both willing to do almost anything to make it lasting. After reading what some people have said to me about this I am thinking that maybe he doesn't realize how much this is an issue and maybe I need to readdress it and let him now how serious I am and how much this hurts me. 

I had more I wanted to say but now the baby is crying...


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## Tr000thSeeker (May 11, 2009)

Ok, this might sound crazy, but I believe in testing a commitment with *action*. Let me explain: I can see that he is committed to you/his-current-family. So, how does he plan to *prove* that commitment? There is this *issue* that is clearly a potential *threat* to the *safety* of the marriage he is "committed" to. What is he going to do about this issue?
You see, it's amazing how logically, practically and efficiently the armed-forces personnel think and act when it comes to wars and killing "the enemy".
Well, tell him to use those skills (to prove his *loyalty to the marriage*) by protecting the marriage by *taking action*.
_I probably repeated myself there!_


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