# Desperate for help in getting through this



## SAP (Apr 17, 2013)

I need to get a few second opinions, perhaps just a different perspective to help me through this. Recently my husband and I both engaged in infidelity, decided to forgive one another, learn from it and continue with life together. In doing so, we established a list of boundaries for our relationship. What's driving me bonkers is that the relationship he has with my stepson's mother teeter-todders on the boundaries we've established for one another. I sound like a crazy lady telling him he has to minimize how much he talks to his child's mother, but at the same time, given recent infidelities and my own insecurities, I see there is way too much room for a boundary to be crossed. I don't particular feel like they need to be "friends"; civil and cordial yes but not have a friendship in which they talk freely. On top of this, he feels I need not be involved in every conversation they have about his child, which I've helped to raise since he was an infant (he's 5 years old now). So I feel left out, which adds to my insecurities. I understand that drama in the past has made him feel like he needs to have that separation (which is a whole 'nother post in and of itself) but that separation is causing me a lot of frustration and insecurity, given recent infidelities. 

Can anyone offer advice in how to handle this? Since we established the boundaries list, we seemed to be doing better. But as of lately, her phone calls seemed to increase. He says it b/c she wants to speak to their son and I don't doubt that. I just see him on the phone laughing it up with her too, having what looks like a connection that if I were having with another man would be major grounds for divorce.

Desperate for help in getting through this....thanks in advance for any and all advice!

SAP


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

SAP said:


> Since we established the boundaries list, we seemed to be doing better. But as of lately, her phone calls seemed to increase.* He says it b/c she wants to speak to their son and I don't doubt that.* I just see him on the phone laughing it up with her too, having what looks like a connection that if I were having with another man would be major grounds for divorce.
> SAP



Do you have call display? Why not just let your son answer the phone when she calls? Or would your husband have issue with this? And if he does, you need to know why.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I think you're within your boundaries to expect that he not have secrets from you about your step son. And I think you are right to be concerned with his friendship with his ex. I don't know how people keep a connection after a divorce and can be 'friends'. I'm all about discussing the children, but that's all I do with my ex. I don't want to have any sort of relationship with him. It's not unreasonable to ask your husband to pull back from his relationship with the ex. If he won't then you've got a problem. He's not within his boundaries by being all cozy with her.


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Yes, he is not within his boundaries. You have to make him aware of this though. There is this thing called "emotional cheating" and it could possibly elevate into a full-blown cheating. Talk it over with him carefully. I hope you settle this with your husband. xoxo - mae


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