# Stripper...Blowjob...Guilty!



## JBOdell

I've been married almost 12 years. I have 2 kids. I love my kids and I love my wife. In fact, I could not make it without them. But, I have this problem. You see, I'm a dude. And I like chicks and strippers and what-not. Anyway, my issues with this obsession with sex led me to girly mags and porn and strippers. I was on vacation away from the fam and I felt this urge to visit a strip-club. Where I'm from, you have to keep 6 feet away or the bouncer will give you a very detailed view of the pavement in the parking lot. In FL, however, they really get up-close and personal. Up-close and personal turned into a BJ. I freaked and got tested, even though it's pretty rare to get anything from a BJ. I tested negative, so I'm good there, but I. Am. Feeling. Guilty. Has anyone had this unfortunate experience? I'm trying to look at it as a learning experience and I feel more love for my family than I ever have. I've realized just what I put at risk. I'm trying to move on, but some pretty crazy **** has been popping into my head, and honestly I'm scared. Any support?


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## Deejo

Support?

Unlikely.

Advice?

You have 2 options. Only 2.

Keep your mouth shut, eat that guilt and be a better husband and father and make better choices in the future (or not).

Or ...

Be honest. Confess your betrayal. And make no mistake ... you betrayed your wife. And roll the dice to heal your marriage, or provide your wife with the dignity of the truth so she can make her own choice.

That's it. Anything else is hyperbole and BS.

And welcome to TAM.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Deejo said:


> Support?
> 
> Unlikely.
> 
> Advice?
> 
> You have 2 options. Only 2.
> 
> Keep your mouth shut, eat that guilt and be a better husband and father and make better choices in the future (or not).
> 
> Or ...
> 
> Be honest. Confess your betrayal. And make no mistake ... you betrayed your wife. And roll the dice to heal your marriage, or *provide your wife with the dignity of the truth so she can make her own choice.*
> 
> That's it. Anything else is hyperbole and BS.
> 
> And welcome to TAM.


:iagree:


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## SpinDaddy

And now for the hyperbolic BS and jackassery . . . . 



Deejo said:


> . . . .
> Keep your mouth shut, eat that guilt and be a better husband and father and make better choices in the future (or not).
> . . . .


. . . . and don’t go to strip clubs anymore or if you must only go to ones that have a Jesus fish, on the front door :redcard:


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## unbelievable

I probably view these things differently than most, but I don't see a huge bit of difference between a married man fantasizing over porn, fantasizing over strippers, getting a lap dance, or getting a BJ, or having an affair. To me, all are examples of unfaithfulness and violations of intimacy. If your body basically belongs to your wife, what's it doing looking at porn or going to strip clubs? What's her penis doing in the mouth of some other woman? Would you like your wife getting herself off while looking at other men? 

In short, I think you were wrong long before you went to Florida.


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## CuddleBug

JBOdell said:


> I've been married almost 12 years. I have 2 kids. I love my kids and I love my wife. In fact, I could not make it without them. But, I have this problem. You see, I'm a dude. And I like chicks and strippers and what-not. Anyway, my issues with this obsession with sex led me to girly mags and porn and strippers. I was on vacation away from the fam and I felt this urge to visit a strip-club. Where I'm from, you have to keep 6 feet away or the bouncer will give you a very detailed view of the pavement in the parking lot. In FL, however, they really get up-close and personal. Up-close and personal turned into a BJ. I freaked and got tested, even though it's pretty rare to get anything from a BJ. I tested negative, so I'm good there, but I. Am. Feeling. Guilty. Has anyone had this unfortunate experience? I'm trying to look at it as a learning experience and I feel more love for my family than I ever have. I've realized just what I put at risk. I'm trying to move on, but some pretty crazy **** has been popping into my head, and honestly I'm scared. Any support?



Don't ever do this again and be 100% faithful to your loving wifee.

Do all those sexy things with her and learn what she really likes and go with it.

Maybe have your wifee dress up and pole dance for you? Just a thought.

But seriously, if you are truly sorry, don't ever do that again. No more strip clubs because they are one of your weaknesses.

Focus 100% on your wifee and how sexy she is and how many wild things you want to do with her.

If you do the strip club again, BJ or more? you deserve what's coming.....

You could tell her but if she's the type of woman to freak out, don't say anything, live with the guilt as a reminder never to do that again.


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## 2ntnuf

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-red-light-district/201104/love-and-the-strip-club


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## unhappy74

Covering it up when your feeling guilty is only delaying the inevitable. You should just come clean with your wife and deal with the consequences. Even if you work things out the damage has been done. It will always be a lingering problem that will come up from now on. Can you live like that? I would say that you wanted to stray for what ever reason & that reason needs to be addressed.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano

2ntnuf said:


> https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-red-light-district/201104/love-and-the-strip-club


Very interesting article about the regular. I have had a friend who worked at a strip club. I do not think they are harmless places. I do not think that every man that goes there is participating in a sexual activity. But I know that enough money speaks to get you what you want. My fiance knows and agrees that if he steps one foot into a strip club, I am gone. Its not as safe as people assume it is, and its like loading the gun when it comes to tempting someone to cheat.



> *But, I have this problem. You see, I'm a dude. And I like chicks and strippers and what-not. Anyway, my issues with this obsession with sex..*.


Besides what everyone else has posted, this stood out to me the most. You both try to downplay your desire. You can't downplay it by saying you are a dude. That does not automatically mean liking strippers. 

I know it may seem like I am nitpicking. But try to see where you are rugsweeping. You kept on rugsweeping until you got to the point where you had another woman's mouth on your penis. 

I commend you for coming here and allowing yourself to be open to criticism. But you have to be honest about your failings. What you did had nothing to do with being a man. It had to do with your decision to go there, to allow these woman to be on you, to keep on paying to encourage the strippers (they aren't doing it for fun) and sit there as the blowjob was happening (unless you want to claim sexual assault). All of those were decisions. Each one was backed up by trying to downplay.


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## JukeboxHero

Interesting read 2ntuf! Honestly, I have never been to a strip club nor have I seen a stripper (aside from on TV, movies, etc). They never really appealed to me and yeah, seems like a waste of money.


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## 2ntnuf

Can't agree more Maria. Never went when I was married. Went some, off and on a few times between marriages. Wanted to know what the big deal was and what the women looked like and so on. Found out what that article says. It's easy, when one is lonely or some other problem is happening in the marriage, to find some comfort talking to a captive audience and believe she gives two craps about what you have to say. Doesn't happen in all cases. I talked twice to one of the strippers early on, on one visit, in this "experiment". I never went back. It felt like an addiction forming. I could see spending lots of money would be easy and then trying to bond through sex would cement my feelings. Oh, I thought lots about what could happen. I wanted to know who, what, where, and why. I did not do more than talk for less than five minutes total, but I could feel the draw of a woman who was apparently attractive to many men actually listening, to me? Wow. I did not go back there, although I did go to other places. I never made any one a habit and I think I went a max of about four or five times over a period of a couple or three years. In the end, I found myself feeling bad for the dancers and wanting to know why they would do that stuff. Time to be done. I could read about it, rather than experience it first hand. Also, why go there and spend money to get horny and go home alone? that was almost twenty years ago. I have not gone back, although I was asked about it and talked about it since this last divorce. My experiences and the truth I learned turned me away for good. 

Would be really cool if a wife would do some dancing and striptease, but not a must-have.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano

2ntnuf said:


> Can't agree more Maria. Never went when I was married. Went some, off and on a few times between marriages. Wanted to know what the big deal was and what the women looked like and so on. Found out what that article says. It's easy, when one is lonely or some other problem is happening in the marriage, to find some comfort talking to a captive audience and believe she gives two craps about what you have to say. Doesn't happen in all cases. I talked twice to one of the strippers early on, on one visit, in this "experiment". I never went back. It felt like an addiction forming. I could see spending lots of money would be easy and then trying to bond through sex would cement my feelings. Oh, I thought lots about what could happen. I wanted to know who, what, where, and why. I did not do more than talk for less than five minutes total, but I could feel the draw of a woman who was apparently attractive to many men actually listening, to me? Wow. I did not go back there, although I did go to other places. I never made any one a habit and I think I went a max of about four or five times over a period of a couple or three years. In the end, I found myself feeling bad for the dancers and wanting to know why they would do that stuff. Time to be done. I could read about it, rather than experience it first hand. Also, why go there and spend money to get horny and go home alone? that was almost twenty years ago. I have not gone back, although I was asked about it and talked about it since this last divorce. My experiences and the truth I learned turned me away for good.
> 
> Would be really cool if a wife would do some dancing and striptease, but not a must-have.


Sex, and more importantly desire, is a huge bonding element between people. I think we tend to exaggerate the differences between men and women to make it seem like opposite poles. But we are human beings and desire/sex is a bonding force and men and women are more like overlapping venn diagrams when it comes to how much it affects us. The strip club industry knows this, and preys off of it, and then projects an image of no strings attached "fun". I'm not saying they are in a conspiracy, just that they know what makes money come in.

I hope the OP is reading this, so that he can decide if this was a factor for him going to the strip clubs. Was it really just because he wanted to look at near naked bodies, or was there a relationship forming, and was it giving him something that he felt he was not getting from his wife.

I also want to write something else to the OP.

While it may seem that the posters here are against you, we are telling you to be honest and to come clean because we all here have made some mistakes and regrets. I know there are a few things I regret in my life. If someone told me that I could own up to it then, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Instead, I tried to get past it by brushing it to the side. When we do not keep our integrity, that stays with us longer than the fall out of the situation. That is something we keep for life.

A small example, but still a regret of mine. When I was a teenager, I was angry at what was going on at home. I drove through my neighborhood too quickly, right past a group of kids playing. The father stopped me and told me that I needed to slow down while his daughters were outside. I just sat in my car and fumed. I didn't apologize, neither did I slow down when he let me go. No fallout came, I even ended up moving away. But the fact that I did not own up to my mistake, apologize, and not do it again has still stayed with me. I do not hate myself or think that I am a bad person for what I did. I do think I missed an opportunity to be the best I can be. 

And that is what stays with you.


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## totallywarped

I don't believe it does HER any good to hear your confession. It's selfish imo. You need to suck it up and keep your mouth shut. You deserve to feel guilty that's your punishment!! Telling her is going to relieve your conscience and make her feel like sh*t. Turn this guilt into something productive, be a better husband! Stop with the porn and strippers it's disrespectful to your wife and you obviously lack self control.


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## Wolfman1968

How would you feel if the tables were turned? For example, if she crossed the line during a bachelorette party?

Would you want her to confess to you?


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## soccermom2three

I always wonder if these guys that go to strip clubs have daughters.


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## norajane

totallywarped said:


> I don't believe it does HER any good to hear your confession. It's selfish imo. You need to suck it up and keep your mouth shut. You deserve to feel guilty that's your punishment!! Telling her is going to relieve your conscience and make her feel like sh*t. Turn this guilt into something productive, be a better husband! *Stop with the porn and strippers it's disrespectful to your wife and you obviously lack self control.*


If he obviously lacks self control, which he does, the odds of him just stopping with the porn and strippers and self-admitted sex obsession seems pretty low. 

I think his wife should have the option of making her own choice on whether to stay with him. He cheated on her, and is likely to keep doing it since he isn't doing anything to get his obsession under control, like starting therapy. She needs to know who she's really married to.


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## techmom

unbelievable said:


> I probably view these things differently than most, but I don't see a huge bit of difference between a married man fantasizing over porn, fantasizing over strippers, getting a lap dance, or getting a BJ, or having an affair. To me, all are examples of unfaithfulness and violations of intimacy. If your body basically belongs to your wife, what's it doing looking at porn or going to strip clubs? What's her penis doing in the mouth of some other woman? Would you like your wife getting herself off while looking at other men?
> 
> In short, I think you were wrong long before you went to Florida.


Disagree. My hubby goes to strip clubs, nothing happens and he always comes home. It is called trust.

I can't control what he sees just as he cant control what I see. I don't go to strip clubs and I don't watch porn, just don't have any interest in those things.


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## techmom

The OP Of this thread clearly has a problem. He should get therapy in practicing self control, and stay out of the strip clubs where he may be tempted.


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## QuietSoul

Hey mate.

I don't go around confessing this for the sake, but in context and if I think it will help someone get insight, I am a former stripper. Strangely enough, I married a man who was (and is) in long term recovery for sex addiction.

Firstly, maybe it will help if I shatter your illilusion of strippers... 

Between dances and private shows, we are in the bathroom. Some do drugs which they need your money for, others are peeing or taking dumps. Yes, strippers sh*t, and it stinks just like yours. Some whinge or joke about clients. Some are doing a tampon string check, to make sure the string is tucked away up there so the clients can't tell we have our period. Sometimes we prepare for a 2 or more private session and quickly going over what we will (pretend) to do (or "enjoy"). It's basically imitating porn, and just like the porn stars, we are there for the $ and drugs, not interested in the naive males thinking we are for real. 

The girl who gave you a blow job likely has a drug addiction. She is someone's daughter, sister, perhaps mother. She couldn't give a crap if you are married or not, and any special interest she took in you during your paid session is PRETEND. Outside work she probably has mental health problems, is likely the victim of sexual assault at some point in her past, may have an unstable upbringing and hasn't been able to hold down "normal" jobs outside. Just speculating but these are realistic scenarios. 

But if you are an addict, a moral appeal will not make you stop. There's a saying in my husband's 12 step fellowship - if you sit in the barber's chair long enough, you'll get a haircut.

The others here who have commented are right - your honesty here and willingness to confess is commendable, but you downplay your actions. It's not about being a male. You have betrayed your wife and if people got what they deserved, she would leave you for cheating on her. But in many cases, spouses although extremely hurt (and you will have no idea how bad you hurt her until you man up and tell her the truth), may be open to a second chance, upon certain conditions being met around trust and transparency. Don't expect her to be over it in a matter of weeks, maybe even months. 

If you are interested in getting help and you are sincere in wanting to keep your family, get some help mate.

The fellowship my H goes to is Sexaholics Anonymous. There are tons of those meetings in the US, you should be able to find one pretty quickly. Give it a proper go, get a sponsor, keep an open mind, do the reading, work the program. 

Also, counselling is another thing I would definitely recommend. You can generally find out what they specualise in. Look for a male counsellor who specialises in men's issues, sexual issues, or addictions. 

And in the meantime, try to remember the unglamorous reality is of porn and strip clubs. Think about that stripper taking a dump or having her period. This alone won't stop you but it may help you sober your thinking. 

Peace
QS


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## askari

Some things are best left unsaid.


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## aine

unbelievable said:


> I probably view these things differently than most, but I don't see a huge bit of difference between a married man fantasizing over porn, fantasizing over strippers, getting a lap dance, or getting a BJ, or having an affair. To me, all are examples of unfaithfulness and violations of intimacy. If your body basically belongs to your wife, what's it doing looking at porn or going to strip clubs? What's her penis doing in the mouth of some other woman? Would you like your wife getting herself off while looking at other men?
> 
> In short, I think you were wrong long before you went to Florida.


:iagree: TOTALLY


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## aine

techmom said:


> Disagree. My hubby goes to strip clubs, nothing happens and he always comes home. It is called trust.
> 
> I can't control what he sees just as he cant control what I see. I don't go to strip clubs and I don't watch porn, just don't have any interest in those things.


If my husband wanted to go to strip clubs then he doesn't need me in his life period. There are certain boundaries in a marriage and this is one of them as far as I am concerned. He would not want me to spend a night with guys doing the full monty so as far as i am concerned it works both ways.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano

To *QuietSoul* and the OP,

As I mentioned before, my friend was a stripper. She got into it because she was raped by her father at a young age and one day just ran away with nothing but a few changes of clothes. Stripping was an immediate and higher paying job than anything else she could find right away. That is not to stereotype strippers, but to also help the OP take away the mystique. 

*Techmom*, as you said, this individual does not have the self control that your hubby does. Going to strip clubs is a boundary that each couple most decide on. It is not morally wrong that you and your husband have decided that. I think trying to decide if in general going to strip clubs is good or bad in this OPs thread though is not going to help him and may only help him to rugsweep though.


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## Ntsikzo

techmom said:


> Disagree. My hubby goes to strip clubs, nothing happens and he always comes home. It is called trust.
> 
> I can't control what he sees just as he cant control what I see. I don't go to strip clubs and I don't watch porn, just don't have any interest in those things.


I agree with techmom, that strippers or porn or "chicks" are not the problem. Temptations have always been there and will always be there. In my opinion the problem is when things are done in secret.

I also do not think simply confessing will solve anything. Firstly OP needs to admit that he has an addiction that he cannot control and seek help. Professional help will resolve the underlying problems and I think the wife will appreciate the effort once OP decides to tell her.


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## Lone Shadow

Best steak I ever had was at a strip club in Dallas.


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## samyeagar

aine said:


> If my husband wanted to go to strip clubs then he doesn't need me in his life period. There are certain boundaries in a marriage and this is one of them as far as I am concerned. He would not want me to spend a night with guys doing the full monty so as far as i am concerned *it works both ways*.


Well...yes and no. There is a difference between different standards, and double standards. My wife and I are a perfect example of different standards as opposed to double standards.

Not a chance that I am ok with her going to a male strip club, or the more intimate bachelorette party with the stripper. I know her well enough to know that her behavior in that environment would push my boundaries on what is acceptable, and what I am comfortable with. She knows that as well. She respects me and our relationship and does not participate.

She, on the other hand would have no problems with me going to the strip clubs occasionally with my friends after work, or even by myself. I have not gone with friends, or by myself, so in that regard, I have kept to my own standard without any compulsion to do so.

My wife and I have gone together several times, and it's been a good time. It is a very different dynamic as part of a male-female couple than as a single male, solo, or with a group of other males.


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## jorgegene

As a bachelor, i used to go to strip clubs, mostly with my buddies.
It's a fun place. I know I could go and nothing would happen, because I would go occasionally for years and nothing EVER happened
(except a few lap dances).

If my wife wanted to go to a male show I think it would be fine.
But she never would. I know her. 

And because she wouldn't want me to go to a strip club (she has said so), I have retired permanently from that.

It comes down to respecting what your wife wants.


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## norajane

I suspect few wives would be ok with their husband going to a strip club and paying for a blowjob from one of the strippers. 

This man cheated on his wife. This isn't about strip clubs and whether a couple has decided they are or aren't ok in their marriage. 

It's about the OP having cheated already, and what he does now.


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## Shake_It_Up

techmom said:


> The OP Of this thread clearly has a problem. He should get therapy in practicing self control, and stay out of the strip clubs where he may be tempted.


That's hilarious..... "Now, now, when a hot chick, who's topless, gives you a lap dance, puts her tits all up in your face, and proves willing to do more, practice self control...." Yeah right!!!

Staying out of the club is his ONLY option, and somehow I don't see him capable of doing that either.


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## unhappy74

Lone Shadow said:


> Best steak I ever had was at a strip club in Dallas.




was it at the Men's Club? I used to work at DGC


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## Devastated an lost

I would just like to know, If you would be ok with your wife watching porn & going to male strip clubs & doing the things you've been doing? Then explaining it by saying it just this thing I have. No big deal.. It's more than just a thing. It's lying, Sneaking around behind her back, cheating & flat out betrayal. If you Love your wife, you should stop what you're doing or be honest with her D & live the single life if that's what you want, But don't do both. Choose one or the other. It's not fair to your wife & in the end will destroy your marriage.


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## always_alone

totallywarped said:


> I don't believe it does HER any good to hear your confession. It's selfish imo. You need to suck it up and keep your mouth shut.





askari said:


> Some things are best left unsaid.


I find this sort of logic very two-faced. It pretends to be about concern for the betrayed party, but really, it's all about not disrupting the pleasant and comfortable world of the betrayer. Self protection through and through.

What good it absolutely does do to tell the wife is that she gets the truth about who she is living with, and is not being played for a fool, wool pulled over her eyes.

My biggest fear relationship-wise is that I find myself with someone who thinks it's okay to cheat on me, then "protect" me by lying about it. Two wrongs do *not* make it right.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening all
If the OP really is remorseful about what he did, and wants to be sure he doesn't do it again, then he needs to avoid situations where he will be tempted. No strip clubs - at all, ever - even when his friends go. He has to act like a recovering alcoholic and not get near alcohol.

He can't undo what happened. I see nothing to be gained by telling he wife. 


If instead he is looking for someone to say that its OK, that's different. Yes, some men do behave like this, have affairs, etc. If you are going that route though, why something as sordid as a BJ from a stripper, go have a real affair. I see no point in others judging the morality - he knows he is risking his family, he has to make his own decisions about right and wrong.


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## JBOdell

I don't downplay this. I realize what I did and what I put at risk. I've struggled with my problem since a bad experience as a child. It has eaten away at me for thirty years now. It has caused severe anxiety and depression-for which I have been treated. I truly have lived a double-life. That is something that is very difficult to empathize with if you have not experienced it yourself. But this is the first time I have shared-albeit online. This experience has been harder than any other in my life. It truly is a rock-bottom. I will seek help. I don't know if I will tell my wife about the bj. It would break her heart and I feel that it is my cross to bear. I'll have to come clean about everything else but it scares the hell out of me....


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## norajane

I am shocked that people are telling the OP it's ok not to tell his wife that he cheated, and that nothing would be gained by being honest.

Really? Is this a marriage forum?

The OP cheated on his wife. Why is he being told to continue lying to his wife about it? Why is he being told to go and sin no more? What makes anyone think that a self-admitted sex obsessed person with no self control unless a bouncer bounces him out of the club is going to suddenly develop self control?

Why should his wife be kept in the dark about her husband and his sexual addictions and his CHEATING?


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## lucy999

Everything else? There's more?


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## JBOdell

Porn, strippers, desires. I never cheated before. But those things are a constant in my life and it is very hard to live with.


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## LonelyinLove

If it this one time....my advice (as the wife of a man that had a ONS) is to not tell her.

The mental movies will last forever, and, as in my case, give her cause to want a revenge ONS.

I didn't, but I sure thought about it. 

Keep your mouth shut, your zipper zipped, and yourself out of the strip joints.

And yes, looking (as in leering in that environment) is cheating.


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## EleGirl

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> To *QuietSoul* and the OP,
> 
> As I mentioned before, my friend was a stripper. She got into it because she was raped by her father at a young age and one day just ran away with nothing but a few changes of clothes. Stripping was an immediate and higher paying job than anything else she could find right away. That is not to stereotype strippers, but to also help the OP take away the mystique.


My stepson married a tripper. She scary to put it mildly. She had been molested by one of her step brothers. Her mother has been married 4 or 5 times. She has step siblings.. all with different fathers.

I think that what drove her to the stripping is that she has a very sever case of BP and refused to medicate with the drugs given to her by the doctor. Instead she used every illegal drug she could get her hands on. She not only did the lap dances, etc in the club but she also started to do very high cost prostitution. God only knows what she was going to get the prices she was charging. (Yes she told me what she was doing.)

If there is an defense for my stepson marrying her, it's that she was 18 or 19 when they married. He was not much older. She had just started the striping and was not into the full swing of things yet. He bought the crap that even good girls are strippers.. they just do it for the high pay.

Step son is divorce now. Don't think I need to explain why.


To the OP....

When you go to a strip club and participate on the level that you did, this is the kind of dysfunction you are participating in. That woman you were with probably has a back life of horror stories and dysfunction. You helped to continue the harm to her. Not very cool at all.


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## Racer

Yes, you cheated. You are a wayward. It’s good that you are seeking help. But you really do need to confess to your wife. Tell her all and take that risk. Beg for her understanding and to stay in the marriage while you sort yourself out in therapy. Beg her to wait and hold off from rash decisions. Tell her what you are doing about it and figure out your ‘why’ with your therapist. Be proactive and completely transparent. Install a tracker on your phone she can check, give up any notion of privacy anymore. Comfort her, assure her you take full responsibility for your choices. Start buying books (and reading them) on how to help her. Risk it all, be brave. You dug this hole, and based on your post, she’s probably already felt something is off. The fix isn’t just avoidance; that will lead to worse things.… 

Strip club or barfly… doesn’t matter much. You could not resist when an offer was made.


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## EleGirl

JBOdell said:


> Porn, strippers, desires. I never cheated before. But those things are a constant in my life and it is very hard to live with.


I suggest that you not tell your wife right now. 

Instead get into serious therapy with a psychiatrist (MD). In the process of therapy talk to your therapist about how and when to tell your wife.

One of the major issues with a sex addiction is that there is a need to increase the acting out over time. Once a sex addict gets accustomed to a level of stimulation they need something more to get their brain chemistry revved up (that is what makes it an addiction.. the affects is has on brain chemistry).

If you do not get help at this point, you most likely do more of this and over time it will keep escalating to find higher level thrills.

Use this as a warning... full 4 alarm fire.

At least use your guilt and what you did for something good... to help yourself stop your sexual addiction.


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## Ceegee

Your posts here comes across as sympathy-seeking and self-serving.



JBOdell said:


> ... I feel that it is my cross to bear. I'll have to come clean about everything else but it scares the hell out of me....


There is no martyrdom in adultery.

Maybe you have a disorder that makes it difficult to stay away from the smut. That does excuse your indiscretions. In the end you still had a choice to remain faithful and you didn't.


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## 2ntnuf

My opinion, I would do this quote below. 




> Instead get into serious therapy with a psychiatrist (MD). In the process of therapy talk to your therapist about how and when to tell your wife.



I really think she deserves to know. I could be wrong, but I just don't think it's fair for her to not have a choice in how and who she lives her life with. How and when you tell and so forth, can be guided by a professional. 

I'm so glad I never went into a room alone or anywhere else alone with one of those strippers. I was too embarrassed, never had that much extra money and was afraid. You may ask how I talked and all I did was give her something like a ten dollar bill for her to come over and dance in front of me with others around, while she was still out of reach on stage. She was close enough to talk and my friend asked what I was doing. It's what started me thinking. I was close. Believe me...very close and lonely and needy. What seems like great fun and excitement, sure can be harmful. 

Good luck.


----------



## Yeswecan

JBOdell said:


> I've been married almost 12 years. I have 2 kids. I love my kids and I love my wife. In fact, I could not make it without them. But, I have this problem. You see, I'm a dude. And I like chicks and strippers and what-not. Anyway, my issues with this obsession with sex led me to girly mags and porn and strippers. I was on vacation away from the fam and I felt this urge to visit a strip-club. Where I'm from, you have to keep 6 feet away or the bouncer will give you a very detailed view of the pavement in the parking lot. In FL, however, they really get up-close and personal. Up-close and personal turned into a BJ. I freaked and got tested, even though it's pretty rare to get anything from a BJ. I tested negative, so I'm good there, but I. Am. Feeling. Guilty. Has anyone had this unfortunate experience? I'm trying to look at it as a learning experience and I feel more love for my family than I ever have. I've realized just what I put at risk. I'm trying to move on, but some pretty crazy **** has been popping into my head, and honestly I'm scared. Any support?


Your conscience will consume you. I know you have one as you posted here with your concerns. 

Let's put the shoe on the other foot. Consider if your W did something similar. See, she is a chick who likes porn, male strippers and what-not. She goes to a club and gets a snarling. How do you feel about it? What makes what you did any different? Because you are a dude?


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## Maria Canosa Gargano

JBOdell said:


> I don't downplay this. I realize what I did and what I put at risk. I've struggled with my problem since a bad experience as a child. It has eaten away at me for thirty years now. It has caused severe anxiety and depression-for which I have been treated. I truly have lived a double-life. That is something that is very difficult to empathize with if you have not experienced it yourself. But this is the first time I have shared-albeit online. This experience has been harder than any other in my life. It truly is a rock-bottom. I will seek help. I don't know if I will tell my wife about the bj. It would break her heart and I feel that it is my cross to bear. I'll have to come clean about everything else but it scares the hell out of me....


JBOdell.

I can feel your vulnerability and courage through the screen. It is so scary I know. I encourage you to come clean about this as well though. Things like this have a way of coming out. If she finds that you hid it from her for years, that is a second betrayal.

I know that this experience is not the real you. That it is rock bottom. You can be the man you know you truly are. 

I am sorry about what has traumatized you. Were you sexually abused as a child? If you would rather share or are offended by my question, you have no obligation at all to answer.

I was sexually assaulted. Afterwards I had a continuous want to have as much sex as possible with as many men as possible. I didn't understand it. For people like us, it is a way of reliving the trauma so that we can get over it. But you can never get over it that way, it is by understanding, discussion and vulnerability. 

You are still a good person. You are not a bad person. You committed a bad action. You can get past this. Do what is best for you, your wife and your family no matter how hard it is. I know you have it in you. 

I am so sorry for all that you are going through.



> Instead get into serious therapy with a psychiatrist (MD). In the process of therapy talk to your therapist about how and when to tell your wife.


This is your best bet. You can make it.


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## jorgegene

MarriedGuy221 said:


> This is about boundaries and trust, OP, which are critical to marriage.
> 
> YOU, my friend, have demonstrated clearly that you will cross boundaries in a strip club, so when you are thinking, talking or acting in any manner associated with strip clubs YOU ARE ACTIVELY ATTEMPTING TO CROSS YOUR MARITAL BOUNDARIES. Be clear in your thinking - this constitutes active betrayal on your part.
> 
> TRUST - well you have sh*t-canned that and you should not be trusted by your wife and you should not trust yourself until you take ACTIVE steps to figure out what you thought you were going for (what's missing in your thoughts or real life) here. I like QuietSoul's advice to look to sex addiction resources for those most likely to immediately be able to get to your issues.
> 
> RE boundaries - I would add bars and other locations where you could find potentially available women - DO NOT GO THERE WITHOUT YOUR WIFE.
> 
> Be aware that when crossing these boundaries YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF AVAILABLE to cheat. Cease and desist.
> 
> Re strip clubs - I frequented them often - sometimes daily - in my 30's when I travelled during the week. My coworkers referred to it as "going to church". I loved it most of the time. I ALWAYS told my wife before and after. I almost always sat at the stage - that way I could tip the girls and smile and act excited and made them see I was enjoying it. It was a symbiotic relationship. They were getting naked in front of strangers and I was showing my appreciation and encouraging others to tip (sometimes tipping a dollar 2 or 3 times in a dance will get the ball rolling). The girls would sometimes even come out and hug me and thank me afterwards (which freaked me out at first but I came to see why). They never hit me up for lap dances and if they did I told them that was "too up close and personal" for me since I was married and they always respected that. So I set boundaries and shared them with my wife. Bottom line -its not them it's you. (BTW I haven't gone on years - after a *certain age you're more likely to be just a creapy old man unless you're with a group - just my opinion*).


thats a good point. I cant imagine myself (even given that its always just for $ anyway) getting close to a 25 year old. old enough to be my daughter and then some.


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## jorgegene

JBOdell said:


> Porn, strippers, desires. I never cheated before. But those things are a constant in my life and it is very hard to live with.


why?


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## melw74

aine said:


> If my husband wanted to go to strip clubs then he doesn't need me in his life period. There are certain boundaries in a marriage and this is one of them as far as I am concerned. He would not want me to spend a night with guys doing the full monty so as far as i am concerned it works both ways.


I totally agree with this, now i am NO prude, I have no problem in porn, but Strip Joints and private dances... NO WAY.

I agree with the boundaries part, and this is stepping WAY WAY over the line. Like you say, there is NO way my hubby would like the idea of me leering over naked guys either..... Its not about him coming home to me after either, the thought of that is horrible coming home after spending the night gawping over women......... I mean....

Look at the predicament the OP is in???... Asking for trouble!!.

I am sooo glad my hubby has no interest in them, I thank god.


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## melw74

norajane said:


> I am shocked that people are telling the OP it's ok not to tell his wife that he cheated, and that nothing would be gained by being honest.
> 
> Really? Is this a marriage forum?
> 
> The OP cheated on his wife. Why is he being told to continue lying to his wife about it? Why is he being told to go and sin no more? What makes anyone think that a self-admitted sex obsessed person with no self control unless a bouncer bounces him out of the club is going to suddenly develop self control?
> 
> Why should his wife be kept in the dark about her husband and his sexual addictions and his CHEATING?


I agree...... So sad, I am sure they would want to know if their partners **** had been in another womans mouth, Its so easy to say when its not your partner.

And god i hate Liars.


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## norajane

melw74 said:


> I agree...... So sad, I am sure they would want to know if their partners **** had been in another womans mouth, Its so easy to say when its not your partner.
> 
> And god i hate Liars.


I suspect they wouldn't be encouraging a cheating wife to keep her husband in the dark about her sex addictions and to keep lying to him about the ONS she had recently.

And I suspect they wouldn't be telling that cheating wife that there is no point in being honest with her H! WTF?


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## melw74

norajane said:


> I suspect they wouldn't be encouraging a cheating wife to keep her husband in the dark about her sex addictions and to keep lying to him about the ONS she had recently.
> 
> And I suspect they wouldn't be telling that cheating wife that there is no point in being honest with her H! WTF?


:iagree:.

Not the sort of relationship i want to be any part of that's for sure.


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## unbelievable

JBOdell said:


> I don't downplay this. I realize what I did and what I put at risk. I've struggled with my problem since a bad experience as a child. It has eaten away at me for thirty years now. It has caused severe anxiety and depression-for which I have been treated. I truly have lived a double-life. That is something that is very difficult to empathize with if you have not experienced it yourself. But this is the first time I have shared-albeit online. This experience has been harder than any other in my life. It truly is a rock-bottom. I will seek help. I don't know if I will tell my wife about the bj. It would break her heart and I feel that it is my cross to bear. I'll have to come clean about everything else but it scares the hell out of me....


Please don't misunderstand me. I don't discount your childhood trauma. I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse and between being a cop and a soldier, I've had my share of mental and physical traumas. Still, when we say "I do", it implies that we can and our partners take us at our word. Whether being faithful comes natural to you or you have to work harder than most at it, being sexually faithful is what is required (unless you're in one of these trendy, "open" arrangements). Seems to me being faithful would be a lot easier if you avoided people, places, and things that would tempt you. Nobody makes you watch porn and nobody kidnapped you and dragged you into a strip club. Once inside, the "dancer" didn't hold you down and forcibly give you a BJ. I'm married to basically a sexless woman, so it's a huge temptation for me to get my pipes cleaned elsewhere. I don't test my strength by going to places where I'll be consuming alcohol and get approached by young naked women who want to do things to me.


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## QuietSoul

Hey again. 

I feel you come across as sincere and contrite. And I am glad you intend to get help. Agan, it's a good thing that you posted here. We have to start somewhere right? I know i have often posted here before talking to my H ornotgers about what's going on, and i have foundit empowering to be both validated and challenged. As you have probably noticed, people in this forum are generally straight shooters, which is what you (and all spouses) need from time to time.

As a wife of an addict, here are a few tips on taking g some of those first steps:

1. Admit to yourself and others that you are powerless over your desires. I would probably call it an addiction and maybe you would too or are on your way. But it's also important to look beyond labels. What are the things and behaviors you find yourself powerless over? This is Ann important realization, because without it, you will continue skimming the surface and putting yourself as close as possible to danger buy thinking you are still in control. Powerlessness is about knowing your own limits. 

2. Again I am glad you are interested in getting help. It helps to set a specific goal and timeframe. Eg, "today I will look up psychologists who specialise in sexual addiction", and then your next goal might be "today I will make 3 phonecalls" etc. If it's overwhelming, take baby steps but set them daily. But as much as possible, I encourage you to get asuch help as you can asap. There are people who can help you and relate to what you are dealing with.

3. I know some here have said not to tell your wife. Ultimately it's upbtobyou but I can tell you right now that this disease flourishes in the dark. It will be very painful and difficult for both of you, but the betrayal is much worse when they find out on their own. Bringing it into the light helps you gt out of that tunnel vision and back in touch with how much your two lives (or selves) are really one, with impacts that can't be kept apart from your real life. Not sure if I'm making sense... And the double life/double self thing is a classic hallmark of addiction BTW. It is important that you tell your wife. For both your sakes and for the sake of your recovery. I think EleGirl had some good wisdom in her thread about talking to a professional or getting some help before you put it on the table with your wife. But if you follow this advice, don't know think it's a get out of jail free card where it all gets to be on your terms. You will need to set a time and place and prepare for that discussion, it's not a licence to delay and delay. I personally would not recommend NOT telling her, I could not think of anything more destructive for either of you. Your disease will flourish in secrecy and become even more out of control. 

In saying all that, I really do have hope for you. You seem to have enough insight to know you messed up and you seem to be in touch with some of the deeper issues behind your behaviour. I think you would really flourish in a 12 step program personally. 

It's up to you ultimately what help you get (if any) but for now, keep an open mind to every avenue available to you. 

Being powerless means that Jo amount of moral lectures or self punishment or knowledge that it's wrong will be what stops you. It maybpropel you to talk aboutbit or post in this forum, or begin seeking help, but this alone will not stop you from acting out again. 

Once in recovery, you will learn that this journey is not on your terms. It's up to you to want it but it's about ongoing surrender and facing uncomfortable truths and accountability. 

I think the advice given here is fairly sound. These are people who have experience in marriage and some have experienced this temptation or it's impacts. Again, TAM is a place of honesty. I am glad you could come here and be so open and I hope you can receive our advice and warnings in their true spirit


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## Maria Canosa Gargano

As QuietSoul said, 

Telling your wife is not about punishing you because you are a bad person.

It is about being honest about the situation and saying "I need help. My beloved, please help me. I am in a dark place"

As I posted before, getting to the point where you tell your wife in a productive manner would best be from the help of a therapist who is schooled in sexual addiction.

You will get past this.


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## Wolfman1968

Lone Shadow said:


> Best steak I ever had was at a strip club in Dallas.


But if there is a hair on your food, it brings a whole different meaning to it.


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## Wolfman1968

norajane said:


> I suspect they wouldn't be encouraging a cheating wife to keep her husband in the dark about her sex addictions and to keep lying to him about the ONS she had recently.
> 
> And I suspect they wouldn't be telling that cheating wife that there is no point in being honest with her H! WTF?


Not necessarily. Apparently there are professional Marriage Counselors who advocate NOT CONFESSING infidelities (male OR female). 

Here's one from a Time Magazine blurb (yes, I know it's kind of pop culture, but then, much of marriage counseling comes off to me as pop psychology):

Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME


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## askari

Earlier in this thread I said 'Some things are best left unsaid'....and I still stand by that.

I know 'each to their own' but whilst the OP should have resisted being 'blown' I see nothing wrong in going to a strip club, even as a married man.
Likewise I would have absolutely no issue with a female partner going to see a Full Monty type show.
Its all a bit of fun!
Its a show! 

We spend so much of our lives these days fighting to keep the wolf from the door and being serious...we need to lighten up and maybe go and see something a bit risque like a strip show!

However I fully accept, as does the OP himself, that watching and looking is OK, touching or being touched is a grey area. 

One wife might think a stripper squeezing her husbands crotch is ok or him squeezing a tit is OK....another might think that is too far.

In this case I would strongly suggest that the OP forgets about it and just files it away and puts it down to 'life experience', and not let it happen again.
If it does then I think he has a lot more thinking to do.


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## melw74

askari said:


> Earlier in this thread I said 'Some things are best left unsaid'....and I still stand by that.
> 
> I know 'each to their own' but whilst the OP should have resisted being 'blown' I see nothing wrong in going to a strip club, even as a married man.
> Likewise I would have absolutely no issue with a female partner going to see a Full Monty type show.
> Its all a bit of fun!
> Its a show!
> 
> We spend so much of our lives these days fighting to keep the wolf from the door and being serious...we need to lighten up and maybe go and see something a bit risque like a strip show!
> 
> However I fully accept, as does the OP himself, that watching and looking is OK, touching or being touched is a grey area.
> 
> One wife might think a stripper squeezing her husbands crotch is ok or him squeezing a tit is OK....another might think that is too far.
> 
> In this case I would strongly suggest that the OP forgets about it and just files it away and puts it down to 'life experience', and not let it happen again.
> If it does then I think he has a lot more thinking to do.


Its good if it works for you and your husband if you have no problem with strip joints, I on the other hand hate them, I have to be honest i think they are seedy places, of course again that is my opinion.

I know people hate porn, and again its their choice, but i think its totally different than being at a strip Joint, I know a lot of people would probably disagree with that too. Each to their own.

Of course he should have resisted being blown, but he never and places like this lead to where he is now?, and the predicament hes got himself in, Of course people can go to these places and resist, but the temptation is there.

I am quite a go lucky person, and so is my husband, I do not think neither of us need to lighten up, we have many interests, and we do many things together, but a strip joint would not be one of them.

Any wife that does not mind a lady squeezing her husbands **** must be crazy in my book, I think far to much of my husband to think this is OK, I mean why would i think this to be ok, We had vows? We both take these seriously.... and if another man was to squeeze my tit, my hubby would probably deck him.... I am glad in so many ways that my husband would hate another man touching me, it shows me how much he loves me, and how much respect he has for me...

I have to think to myself, surely any man or woman that would be ok with this cant think an awful lot of his partner, sorry if this upsets anyone, but its just how i feel, and i have to be honest, say it as i see it...

Then again threesomes and swinging etc has never ever been something i could be interest, and yes to some, People probably think i am a prude on that aspect...

As for forgetting about it, that is ok for him, but what about his unsuspecting wife?, and please do not say what she does not know etc etc.... she has a right to know what hes been up to and i stick by that...

So many deceitful people around, and i am so glad i am not one of them.


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## Ceegee

Time and time again we see betrayed posters say it wasn't the cheating that hurt most but the lying.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano

I think the strippers thing is throwing people off. They are applying the rules they set down in their marriage about strip clubs and applying it to this. This is not about in general if strip clubs are ok in a marriage. In this specific situation, in this specific marriage, a line was crossed. The husband knows that. 

Its about having his penis in another women's mouth. If you told your husband that it was ok to go to the strip club, was having a blowjob a part of the deal? Was having sex a part of the deal?

What if he hired a prostitute and got a blowjob? Is that not cheating because it is a professional relationship still? 

This is a level he himself does not want to be at. He has said that he has hit rock bottom. This may not be rock bottom for other people. It is for him. Lets encourage him to be the man who he wants to be, whether or not we think that his behavior of going to the strip clubs before should be condoned or not for all marriages everywhere.

I think we need to ask ourselves: Do we want to address the OP when he is asking for help for his situation? Or do we want to continue in a 50 page long thread arguing about the morality of strip clubs to marriages without any care for the OPs situation.

For the record. I don't think anyone has hijacked the thread as of now. I just am seeing a slippery slope where we go round and round arguing with each other, and the OP hasn't made a post since the first 2 pages.


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## melw74

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> I think the strippers thing is throwing people off. They are applying the rules they set down in their marriage about strip clubs and applying it to this. This is not about in general if strip clubs are ok in a marriage. In this specific situation, in this specific marriage, a line was crossed. The husband knows that.
> 
> Its about having his penis in another women's mouth. If you told your husband that it was ok to go to the strip club, was having a blowjob a part of the deal? Was having sex a part of the deal?
> 
> What if he hired a prostitute and got a blowjob? Is that not cheating because it is a professional relationship still?
> 
> This is a level he himself does not want to be at. He has said that he has hit rock bottom. This may not be rock bottom for other people. It is for him. Lets encourage him to be the man who he wants to be, whether or not we think that his behavior of going to the strip clubs before should be condoned or not for all marriages everywhere.
> 
> I think we need to ask ourselves: Do we want to address the OP when he is asking for help for his situation? Or do we want to continue in a 50 page long thread arguing about the morality of strip clubs to marriages without any care for the OPs situation.
> 
> For the record. I don't think anyone has hijacked the thread as of now. I just am seeing a slippery slope where we go round and round arguing with each other, and the OP hasn't made a post since the first 2 pages.


Well, because the stripper thing is a part of this tread that is why people are commenting on that issue, My opinion was based on that because of the blow job thing i believed to be a big part, also i was quite shocked with a few posters telling him to say nothing to his wife, and stay quiet which i think is wrong on so many levels, but hey ho.

Hopefully op does come back to tell us hes done the decent thing and told his wife about the whole thing, I would then have more respect for him.

I do agree with what you said about the prostitute and the blowjob thing.


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## SimplyAmorous

techmom said:


> *Disagree. My hubby goes to strip clubs, nothing happens and he always comes home. It is called trust.*


 Yep..and I've went WITH my husband... we enjoyed it... sometimes I wonder -should I lie about it...but that's not my way....But I do understand...others WILL judge this.

There is not a person in this life I trust more with my heart over my husband....It thrills me that we can enjoy some erotic entertainment together.... some men hoop & holler over sports teams...God that would annoy [email protected]# -happy he's not one of those!... I'll keep my dirty old man thank you.. 

So yeah.. just because a man enjoys some erotic entertainment ...I don't see this as a blight on his character... allowing another woman to suck him off while married.. this was gravely crossing the line into orgasmic intimacy ! 

Surely his wife is aware of his sexual obsessions.. did she know he's frequented these places? ... He is like an Alcoholic that can not be trusted around liquor.. it's that simple... Strict boundaries need to be in place when one's temptation overrides their ability to control themselves.. 

If I was the wife.. I'd want to know the truth and FEEL his remorse in this.. if he has learned a lesson.. that he can't put himself in these positions again.. GOOD!.. She has a right to know...

Anytime we start down a road of secrets due to our vices...it is a slippery slope where we may build on to those secrets.. It is a destroyer of marriages.. holding each other accountable is THAT important.. 

But yes...she will be devastated..


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## unbelievable

When one gets married, they exchange promises that their sexual business will be the exclusive responsibility and domain of their partner. To me, spending time mentally having sex with some other woman is about as damaging and wrong as actually spending time having sex with another woman. Whether I turn to a computer screen, a magazine, a telephone, a strip club, or a prostitute, I'd still be turning to someone other than my wife for my sexual gratification. 
All these guys who spend hours perusing porn and getting themselves off, if the woman on the screen suddenly appeared in the flesh and was willing, wouldn't they have actual sex with her? If so, the only difference between mental copulation and actual copulation is one of opportunity. Just like the OP demonstrates. He had been mentally sexually involved with probably hundreds of other women and the second a real opportunity presented itself, his body just went where his mind had already been for years. Why would the Florida event be any more wrong than the thousands of previous occasions where he was doing the same thing in his head? 
One guy goes around constantly thinking racist thoughts. Another guy occasionally says something racist. Which one is the racist? They both are and the one who silently but constantly thinks these thoughts might be a far bigger racist. "As a man thinks, so is he." That means, if you sit around mentally boning other women, you are an adulterer. That your penis may not actually be inside another woman is only a matter of opportunity.


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## melw74

Just for the record as well. Just because i do not like my husband going to a strip joint, it does not mean i do not trust him, that has nothing to do with that at all... I trust my husband with my life.

All it does is prove that it would hurt if he did, and my husband would never do anything that would hurt me.. I am also lucky that my husband does not like them anyway he feels the same, I just mean if he did... for me i would not like the thought of my husband ogling other women in the flesh.... Its just how i feel, I love him.

And i apologise if i am thread jacking too, Just trying to get my point across.


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## 2ntnuf

If that were the case, do you know how many women and men would be guilty of adultery? We can't always control our thoughts about sex. We hope to limit the amount of time we spend thinking of things and divert our thinking with all sorts of activities. No one can really know what another person is thinking unless they observe actions. Your post is taking it a bit far, unbelievable. 

I think there was a movie about reading folks minds and arresting them before they did anything in order to prevent crimes. You can't force folks to think a certain way. You can provide consequences of varying degree for actions that break a law. 

This guy needs to see a counselor and work on himself. Seems to make masturbation questionable, doesn't it? Whether someone is there or not, it makes thinking about sex a perversion. This kind of thinking seems perverted, and not in the traditional sense of the word. 

Strip clubs are bad enough. They are legal and they do make a ton of money, or they would all close. Doesn't mean they are moral or just or that the woman is good and the client is bad. Each has their own issues. His are what he needs help with for his marriage.

i hope he comes back, but I tend to wonder about these one and done members. There are many threads here where this happens just to bring out conflict, teach a lesson, or bring out another skeleton that's long been tackled and destroyed, just to prove a point. Who knows, though? I have been wrong before.


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## 2ntnuf

Looking at women in a sexual way is normal and natural for heterosexual men. Anyone who thinks it isn't needs to read some books on biology. Leering isn't proper, but in a strip club, it's expected. Married men need to discuss whether their wife minds it or not, the strip clubs. Some don't mind. My second wife told me to go once when I teased her about it. I had no intention of going and didn't. Some of it is fear of the unknown. Some of it is jealousy. Some of its is insecurity. Some of it is just a lack of respect for a spouse. Which it is can be subjective.

Still, none of this helps the OP get better. Only asking his wife about it would help. If he does, she might just tell him she doesn't care and knew he was up to no good and it was alright. We assume too much here at times. Myself included.


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## unbelievable

We can't help the random thoughts that pop into our heads but we are absolutely responsible for the things we fixate upon and for what we deliberately put into our brains. If you don't want to create a beast, don't feed one. One can't pay the admission fee and enter a strip club and then claim their adulterous thoughts were inadvertent. Even if one has internet access, one has to choose to go to porn sites. 
Before most crimes are committed, they are first committed in the brain. Going to a counselor might be helpful for the OP just as a counselor might be some benefit for an alcoholic but in the end, he has to decide that what he's doing is harmful and he has to have the resolve to stop. He is in control of where he goes and what he exposes his mind to. His fingers do what his mind directs. His feet go where his mind directs. He isn't a victim, his wife is. She had no choice in this matter. 
What I spend time thinking about isn't up to hope or wishes. It's a choice. If I spent hours on Farmtown or watching movies, or playing guitar, or thinking about boning other women, every bit of that is my choice. If I realize I'm spending too much time on video games, I can turn them off. If I don't have the strength to turn them off, I can throw out my Xbox or disconnect my internet.


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## unbelievable

Concentrating on boning other women is a problem for a married man, whether his wife cares or not. It turns sex into a completely selfish, completely unrealistic, completely one-sided affair instead of an opportunity to express love for one's spouse and to increase intimacy with that spouse. It robs both partners and it trains us to view human beings as one dimensional sex toys, put on this earth only for our gratification. That's getting really close to the mental processes of a great many sex offenders and serial killers.


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## 2ntnuf

unbelievable said:


> Concentrating on boning other women is a problem for a married man, whether his wife cares or not. It turns sex into a completely selfish, completely unrealistic, completely one-sided affair instead of an opportunity to express love for one's spouse and to increase intimacy with that spouse. It robs both partners and it trains us to view human beings as one dimensional sex toys, put on this earth only for our gratification. That's getting really close to the mental processes of a great many sex offenders and serial killers.


So do ONSs and sex on the first date, but many folks are willing to accept those. There is little care that most women don't even orgasm during either. However, it's widely accepted and promoted.


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## SimplyAmorous

unbelievable said:


> All these guys who spend hours perusing porn and getting themselves off, if the woman on the screen suddenly appeared in the flesh and was willing, wouldn't they have actual sex with her? If so, the only difference between mental copulation and actual copulation is one of opportunity. Just like the OP demonstrates. He had been mentally sexually involved with probably hundreds of other women and the second a real opportunity presented itself, his body just went where his mind had already been for years. Why would the Florida event be any more wrong than the thousands of previous occasions where he was doing the same thing in his head?
> One guy goes around constantly thinking racist thoughts. Another guy occasionally says something racist. Which one is the racist? They both are and the one who silently but constantly thinks these thoughts might be a far bigger racist. "As a man thinks, so is he." That means, if you sit around mentally boning other women, you are an adulterer. That your penis may not actually be inside another woman is only a matter of opportunity.


I rented a DVD on sexual fantasies ..narrated by Sex Therapists.. who say that those who indulge in some fantasy have more fulfilling sex lives.. it's normal.. its human .. most do not care to share these ... I'm not one who believes in the mind police.. My H has always been one to save all of his sexual energy for me.. . this shows a lot of self control.. even when he wanted MORE back in the day... 

If I felt as stringent as you do here, I know what would happen.. I'd be OVER THINKING... beating myself up unnecessarily for things that are a "passing in the wind"... moments of erotic beauty ...like enjoying the sights of a steamy sex scene, I'd have to ban romance novels.. 

I wouldn't care to be THAT Pure and Good, it would probably take a hit on my sexual enthusiasm even....makes me think of that "Way of the Master" program where Kirk Cameron & his buddy hit the streets & the question they hang every man on is.. "have you ever looked at a woman with lust in your heart?"... What's a guy going to say.. [email protected]#$ .... it's their way of getting them to admit they are sinners deserving of hell fire... I always felt that was so OVER THE TOP.. 



> *2ntnuf said*:* Looking at women in a sexual way is normal and natural for heterosexual men*.


 :iagree: but yeah...some sexual restraint....a gift of the spirit even (Self control)... how important it IS...


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## Ceegee

Ugh...

OP had sex (oral) with another woman. 

That is was with a stripper is irrelevant.

The OP was a shell game to gain sympathy for his situation. "Has anyone had this unfortunate experience?" 

This isn't something that "happened" to him. It was a choice he made.


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## Healer

A stripper just gave you a complimentary BJ right there in the club? :scratchhead:


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## Faithful Wife

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> For the record. I don't think anyone has hijacked the thread as of now. I just am seeing a slippery slope where *we go round and round arguing with each other*, and the OP hasn't made a post since the first 2 pages.


Welcome to TAM, it's what we do here.


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## Faithful Wife

Healer said:


> A stripper just gave you a complimentary BJ right there in the club? :scratchhead:


I found that highly suspect as well.


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## 2ntnuf

Somehow I figured he was just minimizing, blameshifting, and trickle truthing. I didn't suspect he was lying to subvert members and cause trouble.


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## melw74

Healer said:


> A stripper just gave you a complimentary BJ right there in the club? :scratchhead:


I do not know about strip joints, but cant you get a private room with a girl?... I cant remember what its called now, but i am sure you can get extras like a BJ?.


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## Anon Pink

Faithful Wife said:


> I found that highly suspect as well.


No no no...he was in a strip club and go an erection. He stood up and unzipped to make himself more comfortable. But he fell and his d!ck landed right into the mouth of a stripper who was down there to tie a shoe. It was all an accident but they went with it anyway. :rofl:

OP,
I don't see how you can expect your wife to help you with your interest in porn or strippers. That's your issue to deal with.

You have to figure out what might be missing in your life and seek to address that. Hint, it's not sex that's missing, it's real intimacy. Porn and strip clubs are fun when used to enhance but if it's not shared, used in secret and in shame, you are seeking sexual arousal and avoiding actual intimacy. Work on that and forget about falling down in a strip club and having your d!ck land in a woman's mouth. Once you've learned to seek intimacy, the BJ incident will take care of itself.


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## norajane

Healer said:


> A stripper just gave you a complimentary BJ right there in the club? :scratchhead:


Nothing is free in a strip club. He paid to get a blowjob, and probably paid a LOT of money for it, too.


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## 2ntnuf

melw74 said:


> I do not know about strip joints, but cant you get a private room with a girl?... I cant remember what its called now, but i am sure you can get extras like a BJ?.


There isn't supposed to be any touching by the patron, as far as I know. She can and does inadvertently lightly rub herself against a patron, at times, but the bj thing is illegal, except maybe, without checking laws, in some parts of Nevada. My guess is, it's illegal there as well, unless in a legal brothel.

Edit: It isn't just illegal, but there are giant male bouncers there who will beat the living daylights out of anyone not adhering to laws and causing trouble. They'll even stop a dancer who is breaking laws. They'll call the police later, if needed. hahaha You don't just go in and order a bj. It doesn't work that way. These places, like in the article I posted, where some can go into a small booth and masturbate to a stripper's moves, I've never seen, either. I've heard of something different. There were no live women, only xxx movies and masturbation isn't allowed, but no one looks behind a curtain, either. Also, the only place something like this has been suggested that I've seen, is in police dramas for the television or theater.


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## unbelievable

Prostitution, Pimping, and Pandering Laws in Florida | Criminal Law

Prostitution (selling, facilitation, or buying) is illegal in Florida.


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## melw74

2ntnuf said:


> There isn't supposed to be any touching by the patron, as far as I know. She can and does inadvertently lightly rub herself against a patron, at times, but the bj thing is illegal, except maybe, without checking laws, in some parts of Nevada. My guess is, it's illegal there as well, unless in a legal brothel.
> 
> Edit: It isn't just illegal, but there are giant male bouncers there who will beat the living daylights out of anyone not adhering to laws and causing trouble. They'll even stop a dancer who is breaking laws. They'll call the police later, if needed. hahaha You don't just go in and order a bj. It doesn't work that way. These places, like in the article I posted, where some can go into a small booth and masturbate to a stripper's moves, I've never seen, either. I've heard of something different. There were no live women, only xxx movies and masturbation isn't allowed, but no one looks behind a curtain, either. Also, the only place something like this has been suggested that I've seen, is in police dramas for the television or theater.


Ha ha.... Wellllll.... I told ya i did not know much about the topic lol.

I have read many threads on another forum of ladies letting their men go to strip joints and they have had extras after, some women have stated their men have gotten a quick rub or b'j, or they have been able to have a quick touch up of her parts... for about 15 minutes.... More than one story i have read about their partners on stag do's when they've been to strip joints??... So i am not sure... I am in the U.K, but like i say i am not sure....

Maybe they have done it illegally, Maybe they're bull****ting.... Who knows not my area of expertise


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## Maria Canosa Gargano

melw74 said:


> Well, because the stripper thing is a part of this tread that is why people are commenting on that issue, My opinion was based on that because of the blow job thing i believed to be a big part, also i was quite shocked with a few posters telling him to say nothing to his wife, and stay quiet which i think is wrong on so many levels, but hey ho.
> 
> Hopefully op does come back to tell us hes done the decent thing and told his wife about the whole thing, I would then have more respect for him.
> 
> I do agree with what you said about the prostitute and the blowjob thing.


I'm including myself as someone who concentrated on the stripper thing and gave an opinion of what was right and wrong, instead of addressing the OP's specific situation as well as the transgression with the blowjob.


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## Cletus

unbelievable said:


> When one gets married, they exchange promises that their sexual business will be the exclusive responsibility and domain of their partner. To me, spending time mentally having sex with some other woman is about as damaging and wrong as actually spending time having sex with another woman.


Your opinion, and you're certainly welcome to it, but we're not obligated to agree with you.


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## Yeswecan

Faithful Wife said:


> I found that highly suspect as well.


Don't. There is a strip club that I read about in the news that was shut down for the actual act of fornication performed on the bar. There was undercover cops there just for this reason and complaint in previous weeks.


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## QuietSoul

melw74 said:


> Healer said:
> 
> 
> 
> A stripper just gave you a complimentary BJ right there in the club?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I do not know about strip joints, but cant you get a private room with a girl?... I cant remember what its called now, but i am sure you can get extras like a BJ?.
Click to expand...

It's done for extra money. If she didn't ask for or accept extra money, it would be a strange thing for her to do


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## melw74

QuietSoul said:


> It's done for extra money. If she didn't ask for or accept extra money, it would be a strange thing for her to do


Yep, that is what i mean if they pay extra money they can have something more.


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## Tubbalard

Theres plenty of strip clubs that let you touch. You just have to be in the know. He paid for fellatio. He goes to the strip club a lot, mingles with the girls, he builds rapport with him, the girls see him as a safe trick and one of them gave him head on GP. Probably offered to give her gifts or take her out, possibly fund her drug habit. He didnt just go to the club and order a bj on the menu. He was plotting. He's a regular. Strippers are like any other females. Talk sweet nothings, whisper in her ear, give her a few compliments, buy a lapdance/drink or two and she's going to want to give you special service.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar

The few times I have been to strip clubs have been with my wife. There is certainly a different dynamic at play when you are clearly there as part of male-female couple, as opposed to a group of guys, or a simgle guy. Things were a a lot more touchy feely towards me from the strippers...boobs literally touching my face, motorboat style, them taking my hands and putting them on them, and other body parts. The other men were not getting the same treatment. The strippers were even more forward with my wife.

The first time that happened, I about panicked. Later on when my wife and I were talking about things, I asked how it made her feel seeing that and she said it was amusing but also very erotic, however, if it was just some woman on the street trying that, she'd be pissed and kick her ass. She explained that she is able to separate the business aspect from the sexual aspect. Her thoughts as to why they were like that with me as opposed to other men, she felt it was a combination of three things...I am a very good looking guy, that they likely felt safer with my wife sitting right there, and also a bit of trying to incite some jealousy in my wife.


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## Healer

Cheating truly is deplorable and disgusting on every possible level. Yuck.


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## Healer

samyeagar said:


> The few times I have been to strip clubs have been with my wife. There is certainly a different dynamic at play when you are clearly there as part of male-female couple, as opposed to a group of guys, or a simgle guy. Things were a a lot more touchy feely towards me from the strippers...boobs literally touching my face, motorboat style, them taking my hands and putting them on them, and other body parts. The other men were not getting the same treatment. The strippers were even more forward with my wife.
> 
> The first time that happened, I about panicked. Later on when my wife and I were talking about things, I asked how it made her feel seeing that and she said it was amusing but also very erotic, however, if it was just some woman on the street trying that, she'd be pissed and kick her ass. She explained that she is able to separate the business aspect from the sexual aspect. Her thoughts as to why they were like that with me as opposed to other men, she felt it was a combination of three things...I am a very good looking guy, that they likely felt safer with my wife sitting right there, and also a bit of trying to incite some jealousy in my wife.


Wow. You must be _really really_ good looking.


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## Sammiee

samyeagar said:


> I am a very good looking guy


How do you know this?

It doesn't count if your wife told you.


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## Ceegee

Someone please start another thread about what happens at strip clubs. 

This thread is about whether or not the OP should tell his wife that he had oral sex with another woman.


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## Wolfman1968

Ceegee said:


> Someone please start another thread about what happens at strip clubs.
> 
> This thread is about whether or not the OP should tell his wife that he had oral sex with another woman.


Dear Penthouse Forum:

I always thought your letters were fake, until one day I was delivering a pizza to a strip club.....


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## Sammiee

What happens in strip clubs stays in strip clubs.


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## notmyrealname4

JBOdell said:


> I've been married almost 12 years. I have 2 kids. I love my kids and I love my wife. In fact, I could not make it without them. But, I have this problem. *You see, I'm a dude. And I like chicks and strippers and what-not. Anyway, my issues with this obsession with sex led me to girly mags and porn and strippers. I was on vacation away from the fam and I felt this urge to visit a strip-club. *Where I'm from, you have to keep 6 feet away or the bouncer will give you a very detailed view of the pavement in the parking lot. *In FL, however, they really get up-close and personal. Up-close and personal turned into a BJ.* *I freaked and got tested, even though it's pretty rare to get anything from a BJ. I tested negative, so I'm good there, *but I. Am. Feeling. Guilty. Has anyone had this unfortunate experience? I'm trying to look at it as a learning experience and I feel more love for my family than I ever have. I've realized just what I put at risk. I'm trying to move on, but some pretty crazy **** has been popping into my head, and honestly I'm scared. Any support?





totallywarped said:


> I don't believe it does HER any good to hear your confession. *It's selfish imo.* You *need to suck it up* and keep your mouth shut. *You deserve to feel guilty that's your punishment!!* *Telling her is going to relieve your conscience and make her feel like sh*t*. Turn this guilt into something productive, be a better husband! Stop with the porn and strippers it's disrespectful to your wife and you obviously lack self control.



I "Liked" totallywarped's advice. It seemed to match the "tone" of JBOdell's OP.

I was influenced by the fact that OP was tested for STD's and the results, apparently, were negative.

You do need counseling JBOdell, or, like QuietSoul suggests a 12-Step program; if that is more to your liking.

'Cause you can't do this again. And you know you'll want to.

So hard to imagine being your wife. Getting the news that you did this. What would be best for her? That's what I would be thinking. Do that. Don't do what's best for _your_ feelings.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening Sammie
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, execpt the 3 "D's" .
Debt, Disease and Divorce.





Sammiee said:


> What happens in strip clubs stays in strip clubs.


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## Sammiee

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Sammie
> What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, execpt the 3 "D's" .
> Debt, Disease and Divorce.


Good evening Richard.

Lots of Double DDs in Vegas too.


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## Faithful Wife

Sammiee said:


> How do you know this?
> 
> It doesn't count if your wife told you.


Even though the question came from a banned troll, I'll answer it...I've seen several pics of sam and he is indeed good looking.


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## Pumpkin2015

My friend had the same situation, after several months his wife found out about this, and left him.


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## Tomara

Post was probably put here just to draw tons of comments. Cheating is cheating. The wife would have the right to know so she can decide what she wants to do.


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## daysgoneby

Trust me, the more you do it the less guilty you will feel.


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## Kitt

The bridge smells like....


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