# So bummed.....



## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

I just can't believe what is happening. I know....everyone says they had no idea, but how about seriously...:
- July 19 love note left under my pillow. ..."I love our life, and I love you dearly. You are my best friend...."
- August 29, similar note left in my suitcase (going on business trip)
- Sept 8- tells me "you are very important to me."
- Sept 12- husband is really nasty to me when i come home from work....doesn't let up until i cry
- Sept 13- I come home from work to a note that he's left, should have done it a long time ago. He "just can't live with me anymore." 

WTF?!?!?!?! How does this happen? We had a great life...we were the relationhsip everyone envied...we got along great, recently bought the house of our dreams, were making gardens, traveling, laughing....now he's taken everything that matters and smashed it to a million pieces.....i am heartbroken...how can this be?


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Doesn't feel simple.


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## kramber (Oct 30, 2012)

Sorry. Be strong, take deep breaths and remember every day is better than the previous, emotionally. 

I'm going through something somewhat similar. Just be strong and be good to yourself. Things may get better, but be good to yourself and remember to be patient.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

kramber said:


> Sorry. Be strong, take deep breaths and remember every day is better than the previous, emotionally.
> 
> I'm going through something somewhat similar. Just be strong and be good to yourself. Things may get better, but be good to yourself and remember to be patient.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

ImChance said:


> An affair. It's simple.


Ouch. Why is that such a simple conclusion? Although i realize that clearly its more than likely, how could there be NO signs of a relationship hot and heavy enough to draw someone away from a new beautiful home where we had nothing but fun?!?! How could there be a relationship going on important enough that it would destroy my life if there were no signs? What makes this so simple? 

We recently moved flippin across the country to be near his family - who is now my entire world and swoosh they're all gone and I am completely alone - how could he go from so sweet to so mean in 4 days. I have no idea what I am gonna do in a state where I have no one but a big house in a small town with nothin to do and a broken heart I just want to rip out of my chest. Not simple.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Peony..has he left the house yet?

Im going through similar too -just look after YOU 

Whatever way this rolls..your'e going to be ok. Ok?


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Yes he has left. He left me a NOTE explaining how deficient our seemingly happy life was. Yes a note....the only explanation I get after 20 years.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I'd kill for a note with a decent explanation. Like you, mine came with no warning, and we were the couple people thought were doing so well. I loved her dearly and only found out something was wrong when I discovered her affair (at which point she told me she wanted a D). That was a couple weeks ago. 

What I've learned so far is this: 
1) exercise helps. The serotonin it creates makes the world seem a little more survivable for a while, and draining yourself helps you sleep (and gives you an appetite)

2) trying to get answers that make sense from them is pretty pointless. Sometimes I get what I want to hear, sometimes I get fluff and sometimes I get a look that says "you never understood me". Maybe one day I'll understand, but that will likely come from within, not from her. 

3) fighting it does no good. I tell myself that at least I'll leave this knowing I did everything I could to save my marriage ... But every time I try, I leave feeling like she steamrolled me, got info I shouldn't have given her (my lawyer wouldn't approve) and feeling absolutely horrible about myself. 

4) moving on cant hurt. I'm likely going to have to anyway and as the song goes "you don't know what you've got, till it's gone". I'm moving away. It will be tough but will definitely speed up the healing process. Too many setbacks here and what reason is there to focus on anything but me at this point?

I hope something in there helps you.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Thank you k. Trust me, explanation doesnt help....its just confusing...like you want to say "excuse me, have you lost your memory....i dont recall any of this! Arent u the same person who told me 3 DAYS AGO i was the live of ur life!"


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

wait to look in his eyes..then ask if there's someone else?

god..i have no idea what to say.... just start looking after you..

My once hero has been gone nine weeks and two days.
He's been captured by aliens I think.

Peony....you're not alone ok....


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Funny i have a friend who was sure my H had been kidnapped....no way he could do that...for real! I assured her yeah he may be gagged and bound....but not completely against his will!


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Peony55555 said:


> Funny i have a friend who was sure my H had been kidnapped....no way he could do that...for real! I assured her yeah he may be gagged and bound....but not completely against his will!


Or some UFO's toke him 

And he didn't have the balls to tell you in your face ?

OW , that is it . He feels guilty but doesn't want to confront you , he fear something.

Be strong , stay on 180, write here and do something you like . Gym helps allot .


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Yeah, a note ......after 20 years.....and days before leaving: "you know how imp't you are to me right....you are the love of my life...you blah blah blah...." 

Right....I see how imp't I am......for sure.......jerk!


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Funny BigMac, I joined a gym tonite! Good vibes . Also, I am surprised how good writing on this board makes me feel!


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Peony,
I feel so bad for you.
What he has done is so wrong.
So cowardly and un-man like.

Have the notes been a consistant part of the relationship, or a more recent occurrance?


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Peony55555 said:


> Funny BigMac, I joined a gym tonite! Good vibes . Also, I am surprised how good writing on this board makes me feel!


I'm glad you joined the gym. It is great , helps allot. Writing here too . 
Most important is to stay on 180 and keep busy , always do something and get tired so you can sleep and don't think about him.
We're here to help. Good luck, hope you get quick over it .


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Remember.... You are not alone. I am going thru a similar situation and the common theme I hear is let him/her go and concenrate on you. I got hit with this on Oct 12th and still it is all I think about. I quit throwing up after I eat  Thats a good thing. Listen to the advice on the board and let him go. Don't try to make it work. The ball is in his court. If you want him back or not is irrelevant. My wife cheated on me and left me alone with a toddler and a six year old. Shows absolutely no remorse. Time is what we need to heal. Be as strong as you can be my heart goes out to you.


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

So sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation. I've been married for almost 20 years and I got the ILYBINILWY speech and poof he was gone. I can tell you that after almost three months I feel a little stronger. I still keep questioning why and how this could happen, but I tell myself that that is pointless. It did happen and I tried everything I could to stop it 

Hang in there.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Why is the rejection so painful? I am sure I wouldn't even take him back!?!?! But it is KIlLING me that he can treat me and our home and our life not only like something that never mattered, but something he despises! Up until just days before he left he acted like it meant so much to him, and I loved him so much....

God when will you stop ripping my heart? When will I be able to stop crying?!


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Yoga works wonders. Gives you a mental break and some exercise at the same time. I started recently and am totally addicted, and I don't like indoor exercise. At all.

I don't know why it goes that way, but you're not the first I've heard about with the crazy flip-flop. I had a friend who posted on Facebook that it was her 10th anniversary and she was married to the man of her dreams, as well as some other posts and pics about her awesome man. Two weeks later, she kicked him out and moved in another man!!! I had to go back through Facebook and re-read her posts, because I had to have read that wrong! Another friend did a similar thing on Facebook. Maybe it's their guilt. They are doing you wrong, but feel bad because you're a good person, so they compliment you before making a break because they can't handle the guilt? At least your relationship problems weren't on Facebook, but dang, a letter!! That's wrong.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

ImChance said:


> An affair. It's simple.


This above, ouch, that's a little too short, too harsh.

Well Peony, you sound like you didn't expect your husband's affair at all and that was the furthest thing in your mind. If that's true, I can see how hurt you are now. The less someone expects it, the more shell-shocked one is after faced with reality. Hell, I'm one of those 'shell-shocked' people.

The things you are seeing in your present reality can be explained by your husband's 'affair fog' (find out more about it by searching in this forum). I am just surprised how fast (in matter of days) the change of tone in your husband's notes.

While it will not help you in getting you old life back. You may be helped in terms of healing to start investigating who that other woman is. It will bring some closure and paint a picture on how bad of a person your husband is.

You moved to another place to be near your husband's family. You sound like someone who may not enforce your boundary well or put your needs first (just my observation of a single post). That will add into the chance of your husband having an affair. Sorry to say all this.

The only tool I have is a hammer and now everything looks like a nail. Of course, I can be waaay off in my observation of your case.

You be strong, Peony. Some people are just oblivious to what damage they can cause in others. They are truly terrible people.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

I don't even know that it's an affair.....all I know is one day he's leaving me message that I'm the love of his life and he's doing everything above and beyond (as always), then he leaves a note how impossible i am, and now I am a price of $&)( and he hates me. He left, cleared out the bank accounts (which had all the retirement money, a very large sum) in my only contact with him He was mean, nasty, screaming.... There's no legal sep in my state, so did what I had to do, filed for D to get him to stop. Now he's madder than a hornet. Wtf? Makes me sound like a horrible person.....he LEFt along with taking the money, really what did he expect...and this weekend is the grand kids bdays and for the first time in 20 years I m not even invited so I will be home alone alone all weekend In a small town where I moved to because of the family that was just taken away from me mercilessly.....it's been 2 months....I need to stop crying...how?


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

What he did was horrible. Do you really want a life with someone who would treat you like that? Wouldn't you always be waiting for him to do something similar again? 

I can't tell you when it will get better, I'm only 21 days into my own ordeal that I didn't see coming either. But I have to trust the people who say it will get better.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Thank you for the encouraging words....the do help...


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Peony55555 said:


> Why is the rejection so painful? I am sure I wouldn't even take him back!?!?! But it is KIlLING me that he can treat me and our home and our life not only like something that never mattered, but something he despises! Up until just days before he left he acted like it meant so much to him, and I loved him so much....


 This seems to be the norm. My Stbxw acts the same way. Like I just don't matter anymore. Not much you can do. Just hang in there and take care of yourself.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

omg your xh and mine are twins!

darling girl...It's so hard ...but take it easy on you and look after yourself.

It screams MLC doesn't it? LIke they have a snap moment.

Just remember right now you are dealing with a man who is NOT 
youre hubby.


Have you got many friends? I was like a bunny hopping mate to all my girlfrineds..If I felt it creeping up on me too much Id just go and land on their doorstep. It helped alot. And you get hugs!! 

peace to you sweetie


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

So my husband is being so mean I just can't get it, and it hurts so much! He left, unexpected, with a note, and now. Is suing me for divorce and trying to kick me out of the house AND pay him support. How can someone turn on me like this? I was so good to him! Why would he want to hurt me?!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Peony55555 said:


> So my husband is being so mean I just can't get it, and it hurts so much! He left, unexpected, with a note, and now. Is suing me for divorce and trying to kick me out of the house AND pay him support. How can someone turn on me like this? I was so good to him! Why would he want to hurt me?!


Because he doesn't care.

And...

Because he can.

He's not hurting you, though.

You're doing it to yourself.

Follow his footsteps.

Remove him from the equation and focus on what makes YOU happy.

Have you sought legal advice?


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Yes. I filed for divorce after he left and was draining the bank accounts.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Are you in counseling?


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Yes. Thank you


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Peony55555 said:


> Yes. Thank you


YOU are a smart girl, then.

And...

Please believe, you'll be amazing when this is all said and done.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Thank you.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> YOU are a smart girl, then.
> 
> And...
> 
> Please believe, you'll be amazing when this is all said and done.


yes, she is...and yes she will be.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I know it's gotta hurt man. I have so much pain atm there's no way there's worse. 

I have a 3yo beautiful daughter. I couldn't imagine my wife doing that. 

I don't know why. You don't know why. The only thing we can do is try to forget the question. I don't think we'll ever know why. I just got back from getting some groceries. My back tripped when getting out of the truck. I hit my knees in pain. Suddenly everything hit. I found myself on the ground, hands and knees, bawling. I couldn't stand up.

One thing on top of another. Now I can't go job searching. Taken 3 oxy's and waiting for them to kick. 

Try to keep your head up. I know it's hard but keep your mind off of things, anyway possible. Movies (careful on your choices) games, art... something.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Ouch. That sucks. I know! I just keep trying to think that my ex has lost it, and it's not my fault. He is not the person i loved and i no longer believe in him. When I want revenge, I take comfort in the fact that I have closed the door, there is no chance for reconciliation, therefore there is no reason to think about him, or communicate with him. The sooner I can forget him and move on, the sooner I will be happy. His behavior is between him and God.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Oh, and as you can see by my posts, I have good days and bad days


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks Zappy. I use to be such a positive guy. Always tried to find the good in all situations. So when I see yall's stories, I always try to project my old self into them. Always was one to try and make people feel better. Not a "nice guy"... just compassionate

Peony... it's NOT your fault. People running out isn't your fault. You may have walked them close to the ledge, but he/she jumped. Sure, find your faults you DID have, and work on them... that's why we're all here, to improve ourselves first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Peony55555 said:


> I just can't believe what is happening. I know....everyone says they had no idea, but how about seriously...:
> - July 19 love note left under my pillow. ..."I love our life, and I love you dearly. You are my best friend...."
> - August 29, similar note left in my suitcase (going on business trip)
> - Sept 8- tells me "you are very important to me."
> ...


There are different explainations...

1) his little love notes were him doing what he thought he should do ... going through the motions. Then finally he started saying wat was really in hear head/heart. It's not fair of course for him to not tell him that he's unhappy until he blows up.

2) there was a life changing event that occurred in his life. He has not shared it with him. But it flipped his switch and suddenly every little thing that ever was not perfect in your relationship becomes catastrophic.

It could be either. But is sounds like he's not talking about it so you might never know.

This is the 'walk away husband' thing


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Going out of your way to write live notes and leaving them randomly around the house seems to be 'goung out of your way to be nice.'. 'Going thru the motions' would be doing nothing extra at all


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> 2) there was a life changing event that occurred in his life. He has not shared it with him. But it flipped his switch and suddenly every little thing that ever was not perfect in your relationship becomes catastrophic.


Pretty sure this is what happened in my case. I'd bet it is fairly common that some "trigger" causes these situations. 

Not sure what going through the motions would include, but I'd bet it could be just about anything when someone is confused and fighting with themselves for what they want.


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