# W Gave OM Key to the House/Remote to Garage



## MAJDEATH

During a recent discussion about the "dark years" of our marriage over a decade ago, W admitted that OM came over to the former house to "visit" regularly, sometimes daily. Since the house was located on a main street in my hometown (and with many family members living in close proximity at that time and keeping an eye on this house for me while deployed overseas), I wondered how he was able to maintain secrecy with his vehicle? 

W provided him a remote to the garage so he could quickly open the door and pull in, closing the door behind him. She also gave him a key to the house. Apparently he would come over during the day for lunch or a quick romp, And sometimes at night. Except for the fact that he had to maintain a separate wife and family, they were basically married. The fog was thick with them.

Thinking back about it, I remember when I would come home between deployments, she would have the extra garage remote (we had 2 and she kept one in her car) and the house key ready for me. That means she got them back from him each time. Wouldn't that make him believe he was being used as a replacement for me and that he was plan B after my return? 

We R'd many years later, but occasionally questions will pop up that I need closure on as I try to wrap my head around my memories and new information. She always answers my questions and generally doesn't TT the facts, it's just some things have never come up (like where did he park his freakin' car).


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## Orange_Pekoe

MAJDEATH said:


> During a recent discussion about the "dark years" of our marriage over a decade ago, W admitted that OM came over to the former house to "visit" regularly, sometimes daily. Since the house was located on a main street in my hometown (and with many family members living in close proximity at that time and keeping an eye on this house for me while deployed overseas), I wondered how he was able to maintain secrecy with his vehicle?
> 
> W provided him a remote to the garage so he could quickly open the door and pull in, closing the door behind him. She also gave him a key to the house. Apparently he would come over during the day for lunch or a quick romp, And sometimes at night. Except for the fact that he had to maintain a separate wife and family, they were basically married. The fog was thick with them.
> 
> Thinking back about it, I remember when I would come home between deployments, she would have the extra garage remote (we had 2 and she kept one in her car) and the house key ready for me. That means she got them back from him each time. Wouldn't that make him believe he was being used as a replacement for me and that he was plan B after my return?
> 
> We R'd many years later, but occasionally questions will pop up that I need closure on as I try to wrap my head around my memories and new information. She always answers my questions and generally doesn't TT the facts, it's just some things have never come up (like where did he park his freakin' car).


How were you able to get past this, forgive her and trust her again?


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## Dude007

Orange_Pekoe said:


> How were you able to get past this, forgive her and trust her again?


I think thats why he is on here, he hasn't(most likely can't). But blowing up the family is too scary as well...DUDE


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## phillybeffandswiss

Go read his posts and comments in other threads. He may have forgiven her, but he isn't anywhere near "past this."


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## Florida_rosbif

Orange_Pekoe said:


> How were you able to get past this, forgive her and trust her again?


I await the response to this with bated breath! I might learn something, because the forgive and trust thing is still in the realms of the impossible for me!


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## NextTimeAround

> Wouldn't that make him believe he was being used as a replacement for me and that he was plan B after my return?


Maybe he liked getting the free milk without having to buy the cow.

Sorry to be crude since I know you are hurting. I hope you find peace soon.


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## norajane

> Wouldn't that make him believe he was being used as a replacement for me and that he was plan B after my return?


He was married with his own family, so I don't think he spent a moment thinking about plan a or b because he was just interested in an affair, not in making your wife his wife.


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## phillybeffandswiss

I apologize if my upcoming sarcasm and bluntness bothers you.



> Thinking back about it, I remember when I would come home between deployments, she would have the extra garage remote (we had 2 and she kept one in her car) and the house key ready for me. That means she got them back from him each time. Wouldn't that make him believe he was being used as a replacement for me and that he was plan B after my return?


 He chilled in your house, inside your wife, had a house key, a garage door opener, received home cooked meals and then went home to the same thing with his wife. 

You weren't there so, he had two exclusive women servicing him. He was a cake eater so, no way was he even in the realm of plan A or B. Also, when we hear these stories, often the other man or other woman seems to always do things they never did or stopped doing for their respective spouses.


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## MAJDEATH

Florida_rosbif said:


> Orange_Pekoe said:
> 
> 
> 
> How were you able to get past this, forgive her and trust her again?
> 
> 
> 
> I await the response to this with bated breath! I might learn something, because the forgive and trust thing is still in the realms of the impossible for me!
Click to expand...

Long story, but ultimately we did get past this and R. I still have questions in trying to understand her motives at that time. Prior to my departure, we were fighting a lot and eventually we were living as roomates pending D. And we agreed that we would not hinder the other if they wanted to pursue other interests.

The first guy post-me she was involved with was a younger, single guy. She would spent time with him away from our house (work, his apartment, etc). Of course I still lived at home and slept in the bedroom downstairs, so she probably didn't want to face any possible confrontations. What I don't understand is how she interacted with previously mentioned OM2. For one, he was married. And two she couldn't wait until D was final or just didn't think about how wrong it was to host him in our house? You can't just wait until you can meet up at a neutral sight? Was she just too lazy after I was gone and he could just stop by anytime? Their relationship went on for years.

I understand why some women find married men appealing, usually because their time is very limited and it's temporary, but this guy was different. I believe his wife knew but didn't care, or she was really dense because they were spending a lot of time together. I really feel they were using each other, and she had other boyfriends during that time as well, all married guys.

BTW the kid was usually at school or grandma's, except the 1 time he come home from elementary school early after lunch and caught the OM hastily getting dressed/leaving. If that wouldn't break through the fog, I don't know what would.


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## MAJDEATH

Another thing, if she was free to pursue other interests with no repercussions, why would she need for him to hide his car in the garage so he wouldn't be seen by others? That tells me she knew it was wrong and wanted to hide it. Or he was really afraid of getting caught. She also didn't tell me the full story about this guy until just recently, 9 years after R.


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## norajane

MAJDEATH said:


> Long story, but ultimately we did get past this and R. I still have questions in trying to understand her motives at that time. *Prior to my departure, we were fighting a lot and eventually we were living as roomates pending D. And we agreed that we would not hinder the other if they wanted to pursue other interests.*





> Another thing, if she was free to pursue other interests with no repercussions, why would she need for him to hide his car in the garage so he wouldn't be seen by others? That tells me she knew it was wrong and wanted to hide it. Or he was really afraid of getting caught. She also didn't tell me the full story about this guy until just recently, 9 years after R.


So she wasn't cheating on you. She was interested in sex with someone else and that's why she had sex with someone else. She brought him home because you weren't there and it was more convenient than sneaking around in hotels. She hid the car in the garage because she didn't want anyone else knowing about her business (which is none of anyone else's business), and because HE was still married.

You're over-thinking this.


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## Married but Happy

MAJDEATH said:


> Another thing, if *she was free to pursue other interests with no repercussions*, why would she need for him to hide his car in the garage so he wouldn't be seen by others? That tells me she knew it was wrong and wanted to hide it. Or he was really afraid of getting caught. She also didn't tell me the full story about this guy until just recently, 9 years after R.


You had an agreement, then? Even so, discretion matters to most people, so they don't flaunt unconventional activities that could lead to gossip and social awkwardness with friends and family. That does not mean she thought it was wrong - only wrong to flaunt it, even with an agreement in place. This isn't the mystery.


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## MAJDEATH

My beef with this relationship is that this OM is/was also dangerous (as in nuts dangerous with MH issues), as confirmed by his wife and others I spoke with recently. Narcissistic personality disorder with theats to kill others/self. I believe the fog prevented her from seeing him clearly and she put all of us in danger. He was a control freak tried to control her whole world thru manipulation. She admitted that he threatened to kill her, our son, and me. He also secretly drugged her once and may have SA her while blacked out.

When I reached out to his W recently after I found out about their 3 yr relationship (to both relay and verify some information), my W got upset and said that it was my fault if he got mad and retaliated against our family because the OM would not like me talking to his wife without him controlling it.
My point was, you started this relationship and it's my job to clean it up.


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## norajane

If this whole thing happened years and years ago, why are you bringing him and his wife back into your lives NOW? He's been gone a long time. What cleaning up do you need to do? Sounds like you are bringing the mess back rather than cleaning up anything.


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## MAJDEATH

norajane said:


> If this whole thing happened years and years ago, why are you bringing him and his wife back into your lives NOW? He's been gone a long time. What cleaning up do you need to do? Sounds like you are bringing the mess back rather than cleaning up anything.


Because we moved to the same town and chances are great we might run into them. I believe that is why the W didn't feel the need to tell me about this OM until just recently. 
Big safety/security concern.


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## MAJDEATH

OMW agreed to help me enforce a NC agreement, so something like this can never happen again. She also needed to know the truth about them.


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## phillybeffandswiss

MAJDEATH said:


> My beef with this relationship is that this OM is/was also dangerous (as in nuts dangerous with MH issues), as confirmed by his wife and others I spoke with recently.


You told her to meet other people then got angry when she did? Yes, I agree people should wait until they divorce, but you made an agreement not to wait. 



> Narcissistic personality disorder with theats to kill others/self. I believe the fog prevented her from seeing him clearly and she put all of us in danger. He was a control freak tried to control her whole world thru manipulation. She admitted that he threatened to kill her, our son, and me. He also secretly drugged her once and may have SA her while blacked out.


Ah, you are doing what most men on this board and in life do, you are making your wife the princess in need of saving and the OM the dragon. 

Not going to argue he isn't everything you described, but she fed him lunch, gave him a key, had him in your house and engaged in sex. Yet, NOW, when you are angry after she revealed more of the truth, he is a sexual assaulting, drugging, narcissist control freak and your wife was so in the fog she couldn't see this MONSTER.


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## 2asdf2

norajane said:


> If this whole thing happened years and years ago, why are you bringing him and his wife back into your lives NOW? He's been gone a long time. What cleaning up do you need to do? Sounds like you are bringing the mess back rather than cleaning up anything.


He is bringing it up because he is reconciled with her but not over it. I am not reconciled but there myself.


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## MAJDEATH

phillybeffandswiss said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> My beef with this relationship is that this OM is/was also dangerous (as in nuts dangerous with MH issues), as confirmed by his wife and others I spoke with recently.
> 
> 
> 
> You told her to meet other people then got angry when she did? Yes, I agree people should wait until they divorce, but you made an agreement not to wait.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Narcissistic personality disorder with theats to kill others/self. I believe the fog prevented her from seeing him clearly and she put all of us in danger. He was a control freak tried to control her whole world thru manipulation. She admitted that he threatened to kill her, our son, and me. He also secretly drugged her once and may have SA her while blacked out.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Ah, you are doing what most men on this board and in life do, you are making your wife the princess in need of saving and the OM the dragon.
> 
> Not going to argue he isn't everything you described, but she fed him lunch, gave him a key, had him in your house and engaged in sex. Yet, NOW, when you are angry after she revealed more of the truth, he is a sexual assaulting, drugging, narcissist control freak and your wife was so in the fog she couldn't see this MONSTER.
Click to expand...

The meeting other people wasn't the problem. It was who she chose and their choices in behavior was where the problem lies. Maybe we should have been more clear in our agreeded upon arrangement, like no "dates" at home and no psychos! 
And she made no excuses, she admitted she chose him and participated wholeheartedly, except for the one time.

So what to do if he shows up on my front porch with a weapon? One of my primary jobs as the leader of the family is to provide safety and security for all, even to protect my W from herself for past behavior.
I just really want to understand why him, knowing what we know now?


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## Dude007

Maj, I say this with the deepest heart toward your situation. It's just too much for you. I realize you are brave and tough and sound like a great guy. I really think this sitch is slowly but surely driving you insane. Please take care and as the dad you have to save yourself first. No one should have to deal w the trauma you are dealing with and risk of running into OM and his wife. I'm assuming you are seeing a therapist regularly. Are you on any meds? Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH

Nobody said marriage was easy. It takes some work. Mostly this subject is just me processing the information so I can understand it. The moral of the story is: don't give a psycho access to the house/garage. Or don't date psychos, or married people, or married psychos.


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## phillybeffandswiss

MAJDEATH said:


> The meeting other people wasn't the problem. It was who she chose and their choices in behavior was where the problem lies. Maybe we should have been more clear in our agreeded upon arrangement, like no "dates" at home and no psychos!
> And she made no excuses, she admitted she chose him and participated wholeheartedly, except for the one time.


I hope you realize how you sound like a control freak. If I start a divorce with my wife, we mutually decide to see other people, I am a hypocrite when I start saying "I don't like this guy." Yes, she apparently made a terrible choice, but YOU AGREED. Also, LOL, at my wife telling me who I can bring home, if we are divorcing and agreeing to dating. Yes, you have kids, but you should have thought of that before you both agreed to a divorce and dating before either of you were sure what you wanted. 

I'm not saying what she did was right. Still, you don't get to dictate the other spouse's life unless you have a court order.




> I just really want to understand why him, knowing what we know now?


Most of us can use the special power of 20/20 hindsight, to attack our current and past relationships. This is what you discover when you date unless, you live in a weird world where everyone you ever dated was perfect.


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## the guy

MAJDEATH said:


> Wouldn't that make him believe he was being used as a replacement for me and that he was plan B after my return?
> 
> .


Having some experience with this kind of thing, i would have to say you, this OM, and all the other OM's were just part of her rotation.....her Plan A was her self and what she got out of all the grap she was doing to her self to escape from what ever pain she was in.

I guessing here but your old lady had a rotation of men and no real plan....at least in my case my old lady never had a real plan as she went through men after men!

Some OM's had no problem having a married chick on the side were some wanted more (some wanted the girl friend experience)....something my old lady wasn't ready to give or could give for what ever reason.

I'm curious...this one ... you know the OM with the key. How did it end?


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## the guy

In my case it wasn't the "dark years" it was the "dark decade" during out "virtual divorce" were even the one OM she really got close to never got close enough to get a house key.

Having her 2 worlds so close together was not an option....that and having kids and me working at home was just not going to happen.


I guess it amazes me how your old lady meshed her different lives together but then again the one difference in our threads is you were deployed months on end....I was around and just didn't give a phuck what my old lady was doing.


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## MAJDEATH

the guy said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> Wouldn't that make him believe he was being used as a replacement for me and that he was plan B after my return?
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> Having some experience with this kind of thing, i would have to say you, this OM, and all the other OM's were just part of her rotation.....her Plan A was her self and what she got out of all the grap she was doing to her self to escape from what ever pain she was in.
> 
> I guessing here but your old lady had a rotation of men and no real plan....at least in my case my old lady never had a real plan as she went through men after men!
> 
> Some OM's had no problem having a married chick on the side were some wanted more (some wanted the girl friend experience)....something my old lady wasn't ready to give or could give for what ever reason.
> 
> I'm curious...this one ... you know the OM with the key. How did it end?
Click to expand...

After the drugging incident, she tried to distance herself from him, but it was hard because he helped her to land her job at the time and helped her get a renter in the house. He still had access to the house. He wouldn't let anyone else around. After he wouldn't stop, W finally called OMW and told her about the A. OM also got fired from his job for sexual harassment of a female employee and he blamed my W, even though she had nothing to do with it. We R'd 2 yrs later. Not sure what happened to the remote and key. We don't live there anymore.


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