# How can some men pull this off but not others?



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/142481-quickies.html

So the OP says that even though she has been with her boyfriend for 9 months he is still basically only wanting booty calls from her. But she is mostly OK with this.

The other posters in the thread have suggested that he sees little value in her beyond sex. That's why he calls, does the deed and leaves. No foreplay, helping with the dishes, no afterplay. He just needs a release and she gives it to him.

I've never been able to pull this off. The shortest period between meeting a woman and sex for me was a month with half a dozen dates. Slowly building up to sex. It's usually been a much longer waiting period for me. And I have to WORK for sex in a relationship. Things are a little different (or a lot different) with the current SO but.........

I don't know how some guys put 0 effort into a relationship and get sex with a snap of the finger (or text). While others (like me) have to wine, dine and all that stuff. It makes me feel less than the guys who get it so easily.

Why do you ladies give it up so easily to some but not others? It's terrible for my confidence to read threads like that one and compare it to my own experiences.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Don't ask me. I've only ever slept with my STBX and that was almost a year ago. I have to feel connected though. That I'm cherished as a person, and not just as a piece of ass. 

I'm not sure what it will be like when I start dating again. Honestly, I could take it or leave it, but I've got body image issues and am terrified of being naked in front of someone other than the man whose children gave me all these stretch marks.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's a combination of things. First you need an ass of a man then you need a women with low self esteem who uses sex to get love.

You could learn to be an ass and you could learn to target those women but I think based on watching my nice husband it's difficult to do if you've been raised to treat women with respect.

Just my theory/observation this isn't based on anything scientific.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Why do you ladies give it up so easily to some but not others?_

Maybe the difference is not in the type of guy, but the type of lady...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Philat said:


> _Why do you ladies give it up so easily to some but not others?_
> 
> Maybe the difference is not in the type of guy, but the type of lady...


Agreed


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

yup,it's all about the lady involved and has nothing to do with the man.Some women are so low and beat down they think if a man f**ks them,it's true love.Been there,done that.Happy to be healthier than that now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I definitely think it is the kind of woman, however ...

If a Guy has an attractive combination of traits, looks, charm, intelligence, I think that many women, who haven't learned yet, will put a fantasy image on him fooling themselves because they want it to be true. While they are being deluded by their own minds, they ignore the fact that they are throwing themselves at someone and are being treated like a booty call.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It's a combination of things. First you need an azz of a man then you need a women with low self esteem who uses sx to get love.
> 
> You could learn to be an azz and you could learn to target those women


:iagree: 

When I was in a man-ho phase back in college, I observed some of my player coworkers. I started walking around with confidence, faked at first, and women, at least the ones as described above, lined up. If I showed no interest, some would quickly turn to s**.

OP - if that's what you're looking for, it's not too hard. It's not what I'd be looking for.

FWIW, I probably was an azz, but I can at least say that I was always upfront about not wanting to be in a relationship with these women.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> yup,it's all about the lady involved and has nothing to do with the man.Some women are so low and beat down they think if a man f**ks them,it's true love.Been there,done that.Happy to be healthier than that now.


I dunno. I'm sure that's true some of the time, but I also think some women just don't quite understand what using a$$es men can be sometimes.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It's a combination of things. First you need an ass of a man then you need a women with low self esteem who uses sex to get love.
> 
> You could learn to be an ass and you could learn to target those women but I think based on watching my nice husband it's difficult to do if you've been raised to treat women with respect.
> 
> Just my theory/observation this isn't based on anything scientific.


:iagree:

Any woman who thinks that all she's worth is a quick romp in the hay, will find that a quick romp in the hay is all that she'll get.

A man who thinks that all a woman is worth is a quick romp in the hay, will either end up sexless or relying on women of low value for said romps.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Ntamph you shouldn't even concern yourself with it. My H was this man from his late teen until around age 23. His looks and personality made it easy. It was mostly with older women towards the end. He never mislead them that there was a relationship either. 

But from his own mouth it became a empty lifestyle that was pretty meaningless. He was tired of it long before he turn things around. He regret to this day but have to live with that was his choices and can't be erase from his history. 

You have no reason whatsoever to feel bad about yourself. My H is a better person now but you don't have to have that in your history.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Well apart from the main reasons mentioned by others some men just 'have it'.

So what!

You're not that guy, I'm not that guy. *Shrugs*

Why is it important? People are different.

Sucks when you're young I suppose but age and experience give you perspective.

I suppose I brag about it a bit but I've been married for 25 years now and we are still in love and in lust. I look back and shake my head at what a knob the young me was.

You have what sounds like a very special, lovely, intelligent new girlfriend.
Instead of obsessing on this stuff you should be concentrating on being a man for your woman.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> But from his own mouth it became a empty lifestyle that was pretty meaningless. He was tired of it long before he turn things around.


:iagree: After a while, I started feeling that way, and made changes.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

ntamph said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/142481-quickies.html
> 
> So the OP says that even though she has been with her boyfriend for 9 months he is still basically only wanting booty calls from her. But she is mostly OK with this.
> 
> ...


A guy that just texts, bangs and runs sounds like kind of a jerk imo. I wouldn't feel less than that kind of guy. Take pride in being a better human being.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My sister was the low self esteem woman and she's had sex with probably a 100 men. I wonder if any of those men had any idea how messed up she was or did they even care? She was sexually abused and that's what made her act that way. 

I don't blame the men though. My sister is very pretty and she fully participated. And now sadly her adult daughter is on that same path. She will sleep with anyone with a pulse and the part where she's married doesn't even seem to matter.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> My sister was the low self esteem woman and she's had sex with probably a 100 men. I wonder if any of those men had any idea how messed up she was or did they even care? She was sexually abused and that's what made her act that way.
> 
> I don't blame the men though. My sister is very pretty and she fully participated. And now sadly her adult daughter is on that same path. She will sleep with anyone with a pulse and the part where she's married doesn't even seem to matter.


That is sad. I have seen many women let themselves be treated that way.
I don't think op should worry about not being able to treat women like crap. It is not a very noble character trait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> But from his own mouth it became a empty lifestyle that was pretty meaningless. He was tired of it long before he turn things around.


:iagree:

Your husband speaks the truth.
I have lived that life and it's a big waste of time. Like him, it was also mostly older women targeting me. Nice ego boost. 
But deep down it's empty.
Luckily for me , just like him , I came to my senses around age 23 and got married at age 24.

I think some people are emotionally wired for that sort of lifestyle maybe from childhood experiences.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have spoken of him many times but I have a friend who has a way with the ladies. He pulls off situations like this quite often. It was interesting to hear him tell me that he was tired of meaningless, disconnected, mechanical sex. 

Situations like that in the quickies thread and his demand a bit of insecurity on both ends. His insecurity drives him to not want to be connected except for the physical release. On her end, the insecurity shows itself in the form of settling for this. She obviously wants more but will take any attention that she can get. There is a fear that if she demands more and exposes more of herself that he will disappear. The end result is one of empty and confusing inertia.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I wonder if any of those men had any idea how messed up she was or did they even care? She was sexually abused and that's what made her act that way.


I think men _must_ carry some of the blame , especially in cases where there's a history of sexual abuse.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ntamph...It seems like you just don't "get" that some people act the way they do because they are damaged. It seems like you see behaviors by damaged people and then project that those behaviors are normal. Do you not get how messed up some people are? Do you not understand that many times people do not act in their own best interests?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ntamph said:


> I don't know how some guys put 0 effort into a relationship and get sex with a snap of the finger (or text). While others (like me) have to wine, dine and all that stuff. It makes me feel less than the guys who get it so easily.


It's all about the women they involve themselves with.Perhaps you haven't ever been with someone who will do whatever you want w/ you making no effort.

Perhaps the women you have been with have standards or want a build up. Perhaps the other women just want sex all the time? Lots of variables here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tyler1978 said:


> I have spoken of him many times but I have a friend who has a way with the ladies. He pulls off situations like this quite often. It was interesting to hear him tell me that* he was tired of meaningless, disconnected, mechanical sex*.


Interesting, right?


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting, right?


His words were, "I could get a piece of Azz anytime I want. Nothing special about that. It is just a piece of Azz. I do not want just any piece of it but the right one". 

I was a bit taken aback by this. It makes me think that maybe the biological urge to have sex is not as dominant as previously thought. Others have spelled this out with greater clarity and detail before I so I will leave it at that.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

It's not about if the OP in that thread is "damaged" or not.

It's that I've always had to work to get a woman interested and keep working to keep her interested. I don't have that certain something that woman instinctively desire NSA.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I don't have that certain something that woman instinctively desire NSA.


Do you playfully tease and flirt with them, or do you come off as more of a nice guy buddy?


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> Do you playfully tease and flirt with them, or do you come off as more of a nice guy buddy?


I hate those labels but the fact that women need to take their time deciding if and when to sleep with me while some of my friends just have to say "Hi" really can do damage to your self esteem.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I hate those labels but the fact that women need to take their time deciding if and when to sleep with me while some of my friends just have to say "Hi" really can do damage to your self esteem.


You didn't answer my question. Also, are you presenting your best ntamph? New clothes, haircut, hitting the weights, walking around with confidence, etc? Observe your friends for a while, and see what's working for them.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> You didn't answer my question. Also, are you presenting your best ntamph? New clothes, haircut, hitting the weights, walking around with confidence, etc? Observe your friends for a while, and see what's working for them.


I'm not going to use a label.

But, I DO dress nicely (have to for work) and can definitely socialize easily.

It's not even about getting a woman's interest but more with keeping it. I've never had a GF offer sex so easily. I've never been picked to be a FWB. 

I read that thread this morning before leaving for work and it ruined my good mood. My GF was texting me about not being able to wait for tomorrow night but I wonder if I could ever just order her over for a booty call. I don't think she would be too thrilled even though we're a couple.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I wonder if I could ever just *order *her over for a booty call. I don't think she would be too thrilled even though we're a couple.


She may not be too thrilled if you "order" her over, but you could play with her. Call her, or send a message now, telling her all the wonderful things you want to do to her tonight.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> She may not be too thrilled if you "order" her over, but you could play with her. Call her, or send a message now, telling her all the wonderful things you want to do to her tonight.


She has a kid to take care of. There's no real spontaneity with us, it's impossible.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

always_alone said:


> I dunno. I'm sure that's true some of the time, but I also think some women just don't quite understand what using a$$es men can be sometimes.


Oh we do, the smart ones anyway...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ntamph, stop! You're going to ruin this good thing you have going on! Please!


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> ntamph, stop! You're going to ruin this good thing you have going on! Please!


What am I ruining? :scratchhead:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Some women think that by offering up a piece of a$$ that eventually the guy will come around and want more. Kinda like women that get pregnant on purpose without their partners buy in; they tell themselves that eventually he'll come around. Very stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You have this GREAT thing yet you are focused on what you are NOT getting!

Relationships take time. There's no reason to think you'll "never" get to make a booty call to her. When women are in LOVE with you is the BEST time to make booty calls...otherwise they mean nothing.

So just stop being focused on your fears and lack and scarcity and "what all the other guys have". You finally have a chance at LOVE...the REAL THING. Yet you wish you could hump and dump some damaged girl who doesn't know how to take care of herself? STOP!


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Relationships take time. There's no reason to think you'll "never" get to make a booty call to her. When women are in LOVE with you is the BEST time to make booty calls...otherwise they mean nothing.


I'm not breaking up with her, that would be stupid. But this part of your post is just wrong.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What is wrong about it? My point is that you might get a chance to have booty calls _with your committed girlfriend in the future_, yet you are acting like getting booty calls with some random girl who is all messed up in the head is something you would actually WANT.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Let me paint this picture clearer for you...my husband calls me at work and asks if I can do a booty call once in awhile and if I can, I meet him in a discreet location and go crazy on him in his truck.

Even married people have booty calls!

Why are you "jealous" of the random booty calls with girls who have low self-esteem?

Why are you not just focused on how fortunate you are with the girl you have and stop looking at what other people have?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Ntamph, if it makes you feel any better I had less luck with the ladies than you.

Yes it sucks a bit when you are full of passion and love and no one to share those feelings with but it's just life, biology whatever.

You asked the ladies why they go for some men. I bet most, if not all of them, really really don't know why.
It's not their fault that they are attracted to certain men, they just are. It's not as if they are deliberately not choosing you.

You've got a lovely woman now and guess what, she gets all that built up passion and love.

What is more important to you, several random sexual encounters or a relationship with a gorgeous woman who loves the pants off of you.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Let me paint this picture clearer for you...my husband calls me at work and asks if I can do a booty call once in awhile and if I can, I meet him in a discreet location and go crazy on him in his truck.
> 
> Even married people have booty calls!
> 
> ...


QFT.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> What is wrong about it? My point is that you might get a chance to have booty calls _with your committed girlfriend in the future_, yet you are acting like getting booty calls with some random girl who is all messed up in the head is something you would actually WANT.


We are already committed. What I'm saying is that if I stopped taking her out and doing other things with her and started to want sex on my schedule, not her schedule, then I would get dumped pretty fast. But that wouldn't happen to some other guys.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

No, what you really seem to be saying is "I can't see the good thing I have because I can't stop being envious of what others have"...(even though in truth what others have isn't as good as what you have).

Wake up!

Please. I'm serious. I've been so happy for you to have this chance at love...and all you are focused on is not getting a booty call? Even though you MIGHT get booty calls from her in the future as your relationship advances and you build trust and love and committment? Crazy!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I suppose I could understand if you were alone and horny and you're looking around wondering why it is so easy from some guys to get laid ... but you have a girlfriend and a chance at a real relationship. Not to be harsh but ... be grateful for the things you have.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ntamph said:


> We are already committed. What I'm saying is that if I stopped taking her out and doing other things with her and started to want sex on my schedule, not her schedule, then I would get dumped pretty fast. But that wouldn't happen to some other guys.


Aaaaand we're back to the beginning again. 

You wouldn't get away with it, not with your current GF because she is a decent person with healthy boundaries. And yes it would happen with other guys with her because of those aforementioned boundaries she has. She'd dump you and she'd dump them because she is healthy.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

How do you know what she would do with other guys?

Why can't you have sex on both your schedules?

I'm an old dude and I still have booty calls.

She hasn't dumped me yet.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> but you have a girlfriend and a chance at a real relationship. Not to be harsh but ... be grateful for the things you have.


This rubs me the wrong way. Kind of like saying "beggars can't be choosers."


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ntamph said:


> We are already committed. What I'm saying is that if I stopped taking her out and doing other things with her and started to want sex on my schedule, not her schedule, then I would get dumped pretty fast. But that wouldn't happen to some other guys.


Are you sure you just aren't assuming? 

Some things you just need to take the lead on. If it is really inconvenient for her then she will let you know but otherwise maybe you just need to make it happen. You might be surprised.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> How do you know what she would do with other guys?
> 
> Why can't you have sex on both your schedules?
> 
> ...


I mean if I put 0 effort into the relationship she would dump me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ntamph said:


> I mean if I put 0 effort into the relationship she would dump me.


Again because who but a damaged person would be in a one sided relationship.

You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder that doesn't belong there....?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ntamph said:


> This rubs me the wrong way. Kind of like saying "beggars can't be choosers."


No, that is not what I'm saying at all. That is unless you feel that your girlfriend is somehow inferior to "booty call woman"

Have you ever noticed that these women who so easily sleep with guys seem to have one travesty in their life after another? ... and it's never their fault. There's a reason for this. They always pick the wrong guys and until they get their head out of the sand and raise their self-esteem, they will always pick the wrong guys. Things will always "happen" to them and they will never be happy.

Sounds to me like the right kind of girl picked the right kind of guy. Be grateful for that.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I mean if I put 0 effort into the relationship she would dump me.


The right kind of girl would and should.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Again because who but a damaged person would be in a one sided relationship.
> 
> You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder that doesn't belong there....?


I know many, many women who make a lot of money, are social butterflies, come from healthy families who are in one sided relationships. But they will only be in these kinds of relationships with certain men.

The chip on shoulder comment is hard for me to believe when I've had to do so much to get so little attention from women.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I know many, many women who make a lot of money, are social butterflies, come from healthy families who are in one sided relationships. But they will only be in these kinds of relationships with certain men.
> 
> The chip on shoulder comment is hard for me to believe when I've had to do so much to get so little attention from women.


Yeah, I know a lot of women who make a lot of money, are social butterflies and come from healthy families ... who are completely messed up in the head.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, I know a lot of women who make a lot of money, are social butterflies and come from healthy families ... who are completely messed up in the head.


So all women who have ONS and jump on a cute guy as soon as they see him are messed up in the head?

Sexually aggressive woman = damaged
Non aggressive woman = good, healthy

Seems Victorian to me.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ntamph said:


> So all women who have ONS and jump on a cute guy as soon as they see him are messed up in the head?
> 
> Sexually aggressive woman = damaged
> Non aggressive woman = good, healthy
> ...


No, not at all but honestly I don't know where you get this from:

*Sexually aggressive woman = damaged
Non aggressive woman = good, healthy*

... so I don't even know how to answer that. In my view, sexually aggressive woman does not necessarily translate into what you've described.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> No, not at all but honestly I don't know where you get this from:
> 
> *Sexually aggressive woman = damaged
> Non aggressive woman = good, healthy*
> ...


A woman who is OK with only booty calls from a "boyfriend" of nine months is automatically damaged?


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

My godfather who was my dads best friend led that lifestyle. He slept with enough women to not even be able to give a number, probably in the thousands.
Well he passed away this spring from cancer at the age of 55. On his death he told my mother and father he wished he would have done what my parents did and told my dad he wishes he found someone like my mom and just stayed together through everything thick and thin. Now he died with nothing, no real friends or legacy to be proud of. Nothing, he wasted his chance. 
How awesome does that sound?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Some former spouses get shoved into the single lifestyle unknowingly. This can happen after decades of married life.
It's difficult to throw caution to the wind after being burned.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, are you seriously complaining that your girlfriend would dump you if you were giving nothing to the relationship? Why? Do you think giving to another and meeting her needs in a relationship is too much trouble? Do you feel entitled to all the hot sex you want even if you give nothing in return? Do you consider her needs within the relationship to be invalid? Emotionally healthy women, even the sexually aggressive ones, won't continue in relationships with men who don't meet their needs. 

If you want a NSA sex situation in which you get sex but don't have to bother with meeting a woman's non-sexual needs, perhaps pursuing a relationship with a woman who isn't interested in that setup isn't where you need to be right now?


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Rowan said:


> OP, are you seriously complaining that your girlfriend would dump you if you were giving nothing to the relationship? Why? Do you think giving to another and meeting her needs in a relationship is too much trouble? Do you feel entitled to all the hot sex you want even if you give nothing in return? Do you consider her needs within the relationship to be invalid? Emotionally healthy women, even the sexually aggressive ones, won't continue in relationships with men who don't meet their needs.
> 
> If you want a NSA sex situation in which you get sex but don't have to bother with meeting a woman's non-sexual needs, perhaps pursuing a relationship with a woman who isn't interested in that setup isn't where you need to be right now?


No, I'm not angry that I'm not getting NSA sex right now.

I'm frustrated that I have never ever been offered it. Other men on this forum have posted about their wild glory days. I was just never good enough to have women put up with all sorts of crap from me for the privilege of sleeping with me because they wanted me that badly.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

ntamph said:


> No, I'm not angry that I'm not getting NSA sex right now.
> 
> I'm frustrated that I have never ever been offered it. Other men on this forum have posted about their wild glory days. I was just never good enough to have women put up with all sorts of crap from me for the privilege of sleeping with me because they wanted me that badly.


Yeah cause of your oozingly obvious lack of confidence...
No offense, sorry man but it is quite apparent in your post.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Some men have others don't, just know what you have and are inside and use that.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Another Planet said:


> Yeah cause of your oozingly obvious lack of confidence...
> No offense, sorry man but it is quite apparent in your post.


You're probably right.

So why should I believe that my GF is really attracted to me? Maybe she's just settling.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

And I hate how "confidence" is used in such a way that as long as you have enough of it no other qualities matter. It's a load of you know what.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Well the easiest way to be confident is to not seem desperate...yuck I don't even like desperate women, I might give them a pity screw but It wouldn't be that fun.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Another Planet said:


> Well the easiest way to be confident is to not seem desperate...yuck I don't even like desperate women, I might give them a pity screw but It wouldn't be that fun.


Why did you like my post #68? I was saying that you were wrong about confidence.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, so why can't I find a man that will do lots of things for me and pay for lots of things but I don't have to have sex with him and I can treat him like sh!t? See, when I put it like that it sounds absurd. Both parties should get something; I don't know in whose world one should get something for nothing. It sounds like you have poor self esteem and are po'd that you don't have more. I've seen women get men to do all kinds of bending over backwards for them while they treat said man like sh!t; should every woman that can't find a man to do for them while they treat him like sh!t be po'd?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ntamph,

There are certain things you _must_ analyze and know for yourself.
Your questions are very legitimate, but there are many, many variables in the game of attraction , and most people are unaware of why they act the way they act.
Much of this stuff is not logically sound or even scientific , but it works because we all see it happening everyday.

A certain amount of doubt is healthy for men, but when that doubt begins to overshadow your self confidence, you get confused and bogged down looking for answers.
Just remember that a deer will not teach you how to hunt deer.

In high level precision sports, like archery ,darts and marksmanship [ shooting] , some athletes use performance enhancers called
" _Beta blockers_." Beta blockers tend to give mental focus by steadying the nerves of the athletes, so that fear and uncertainty is minimized and they are focus on their target.

What's important is what you _really_ want in life.
First find that out, block out the unnecessary mental distractions and then go for it.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ntamph said:


> I don't know how some guys put 0 effort into a relationship and get sex with a snap of the finger (or text). While others (like me) have to wine, dine and all that stuff. It makes me feel less than the guys who get it so easily.


I've known men who fall into the 0 effort category and from a standpoint of human interest, I still scratch my head about it. 

If you could trade places with one of these men, would you do it.?

I wouldn't. Every one of those men that I've known personally has been a despicable human being and coward at heart.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

ntamph said:


> And I hate how "confidence" is used in such a way that as long as you have enough of it no other qualities matter. It's a load of you know what.


It's a fact of human life. A small percentage of men aged 24 thru 62 sleep with a large percentage of women. Something like 10%/90%, but don't quote me on that. They simply hit it and quit it while they can. If you ever been around real Alpha types you would understand the dynamic and know that these men actually believe the women they used are better off for having sleep with them. After all, most of the women keep coming back for more so what's the issue? They really have no conscience when it comes to multiple partners and will say or do anything to accomplish their goals. I don't want to be that guy but sometimes I get pissed about it. 

Is your girl settling? If your not having hot monkey sex before you get married and have to negotiate for sex now then I would say its time to move on. If a girl is really into you there is no negotiation unless she's struggling with religious restrictions. Have you learned to recognize the phsyical signs of a women who's into you sexually? You have to get over your nervousness around women so you can pickup the queues and see things for what they are.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Change Your Attitude: How Your Mentality Affects Your Love Life | Paging Dr. NerdLove


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

ntamph said:


> Why did you like my post #68? I was saying that you were wrong about confidence.


LOL because you are right confidence isn't everything but it is on top. It' is more dynamic then that. There are guys that can get by with that alone, but a quality guy has that plus a mix of other positive traits. Good looks help of course, be fun and your self, and have confidence and you will drop someones panties.

Jeez dude you are kind of uptight. I don't care if you think you disagree with me. Hell I don't give a **** IF you disagree with me.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> Is your girl settling? If your not having hot monkey sex before you get married and have to negotiate for sex now then I would say its time to move on. If a girl is really into you there is no negotiation unless she's struggling with religious restrictions. Have you learned to recognize the phsyical signs of a women who's into you sexually? You have to get over your nervousness around women so you can pickup the queues and see things for what they are.


She's not settling. She got pretty wild a few days ago. I want her but don't like being in the category of men who can't snap their fingers and get sex.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ntamph said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/142481-quickies.html
> 
> So the OP says that even though she has been with her boyfriend for 9 months he is still basically only wanting booty calls from her. But she is mostly OK with this.
> 
> ...


Chances are you want something other than just sex. So it takes you longer to get it. Maybe the woman who posted would like a relationship, isn't dating anyone seriously, and is okay with having good sex show up on a regular basis, not much effort on her part...if she finds someone she likes in and out of bed, i.e. wants more of a relationship and finds a willing partner, then she can always give Mr. Booty Call the boot - not like she doesn't retain that option. In the meantime, who's going to argue with a guy who doesn't cause much problem like some guys do texting and calling and showing up at weird times, etc. etc. pretty much invading your private life so they can make sure they're the 'only one' who she's 'giving it up' to. Chances are she is getting something out of it, same as he is. "Giving it up" mindset here is the problem. Women do not just "Give it up." With that outlook, you have as much chance of getting sex from them as you do of getting them to hand over the contents of their wallet by walking up to them and asking for a handout.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Chances are you want something other than just sex. So it takes you longer to get it. Maybe the woman who posted would like a relationship, isn't dating anyone seriously, and is okay with having good sex show up on a regular basis, not much effort on her part...if she finds someone she likes in and out of bed, i.e. wants more of a relationship and finds a willing partner, then she can always give Mr. Booty Call the boot - not like she doesn't retain that option. In the meantime, who's going to argue with a guy who doesn't cause much problem like some guys do texting and calling and showing up at weird times, etc. etc. pretty much invading your private life so they can make sure they're the 'only one' who she's 'giving it up' to. Chances are she is getting something out of it, same as he is. "Giving it up" mindset here is the problem. Women do not just "Give it up." With that outlook, you have as much chance of getting sex from them as you do of getting them to hand over the contents of their wallet by walking up to them and asking for a handout.


What's funny is that most of the posters here have stated that she must be damaged in some way and it can't possibly be OK and healthy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ntamph said: "I want her but don't like being in the category of men who can't snap their fingers and get sex."


Wow.

She is going to snif this nasty attitude you have and be done with you soon so, I guess you better start working on that finger snapping so you can go get what you REALLY value out of life instead of wasting time on the possibility of love.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> know that these men actually believe the women they used are better off for having sleep with them.


And in most cases, they are right to believe that!:rofl:


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> ntamph said: "I want her but don't like being in the category of men who can't snap their fingers and get sex."
> 
> 
> Wow.
> ...


I'm sorry if my tone came across wrong.

I am grateful for what she is and how much she has helped my self confidence. I do think she is into me. But I think I still have lingering doubts about myself. I do want love.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> If they stay in one-sided relationships, regardless of sex, yes they are damaged.


OK, this ties relationship and sex together. 
Is that always the case?
And why is the woman damaged but not the man who is doing the booty-calling? Or are they both damaged for wanting to have sex together, every once in a while, but not a relationship outside of that. 
Sometimes people don't want an intimate-style relationship in their life, they have other stuff going on. Someone here needs to decide whether they want a relationship and everything that goes with it, or they want a strictly booty call type of arrangement. If he's only doing the relationship thing to get to sex, he needs to do the right thing and leave the poor woman alone, especially if she needs a legitimate relationship. It can't be that great if he can't ask for what he needs, especially if they're already having sex, he should be able to explain about wanting a booty call every once in a while...but if he wants to reach a point where it can always be on-demand on his schedule, yikes for the partner who is thinking he is a sweet guy who actually means what he's been doing all along... If your partner were to have a horrible illness or accident, and unable to have sex, and you still wouldn't be with them, you need to reconsider the relationship, seriously.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Your lingering doubts are YOURS to deal with. No one else is going to change that for you. Did you read the article I posted on the last page?


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Snapping your fingers and getting random tang at the bar is pretty disgusting but thinking you should have that same ability with your SO is much worse. That is not a good quality.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Your lingering doubts are YOURS to deal with. No one else is going to change that for you. Did you read the article I posted on the last page?


I will.

But I think I need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her what I'm going through (it's not her fault). I hope she can be understanding because she's the best thing that's happened to me in a while and I don't want my insecurities to ruin this thing we have.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

ntamph said:


> She's not settling. She got pretty wild a few days ago. I want her but don't like being in the category of men who can't snap their fingers and get sex.


Life's a ***** bro. At some point in your life you will accept who you are. I'm 50 now and most of the guys that could snap their fingers to get sex are washed up and lonely. A couple of my friends have actually told me that they envy my imperfect family. You can't really change who you are. You can modify your behavior but the core will always be there.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ntamph...do NOT have this heart to heart with her, see a counselor.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> ntamph...do NOT have this heart to heart with her, see a counselor.


I do want to be honest with her. But I can see why I would need counseling. I just think it would be dishonest to go to counseling without her knowing what she's getting herself into. I really do care about her a lot.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ntamph said:


> What's funny is that most of the posters here have stated that she must be damaged in some way and it can't possibly be OK and healthy.


Naw, she just likes sex with the guy. And the guy likes sex with her. For people on a marriage forum, that's damaged. But seriously, you alone can determine your needs and how to go about meeting them. It's wrong to do things for another person having them believe you want something (relationship) when all you really want is something else, and even more wrong not to be able to open a dialogue with an intimate partner about your sexual needs. That's damaged too!

We are ALL damaged, but it's how we deal with our damage that makes us healthy. 

I distrust women who need flowers, jewelry and a candlelight dinner and a bunch of compliments in order to be in the mood.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you have this talk with her, whether you know it or not, you will be asking her to help fix you. DON'T DO THAT.

Just get to work immediately on fixing yourself so that you can be a good partner FOR her, if things work out.

But honestly...some of the things you say make it clear you aren't really ready for any of this.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you have this talk with her, whether you know it or not, you will be asking her to help fix you. DON'T DO THAT.
> 
> Just get to work immediately on fixing yourself so that you can be a good partner FOR her, if things work out.
> 
> But honestly...some of the things you say make it clear you aren't really ready for any of this.


I'm prepared to do what it takes for it to work. If talking to someone else is necessary then I'll do it.

I know I have no right to lay my problems on her. I need to get rid of my self defeating thoughts and focus on her and how wonderful she has been. But I do think I can improve with enough help.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ntamph said:


> I'm prepared to do what it takes for it to work. If talking to someone else is necessary then I'll do it.
> 
> I know I have no right to lay my problems on her. I need to get rid of my self defeating thoughts and focus on her and how wonderful she has been. *But I do think I can improve with enough help.*


Listen the faithful wife.

You can improve with the RIGHT help. If you value this relationship don't turn yourself into a fixer upper project for your GF. Everyone has insecurities! Everyone! You've been very honest and stated the thoughts in your mind, which is good. But what is even better is I can tell you are really trying to open yourself to healthier thoughts that are not grounded in defeat. That is great!

Make the appointment but keep it to yourself for a while. Say two months..then you should confide in her. Give yourself some time to adjust that this woman genuinely likes you. It's like you're finding ways to shoot yourself in the foot here. Just wait two months.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have written about this before but Ntamph is wondering why unsavory characters like my friend get chicks by the truckload and good guys like him have to go through a long-drawn out process. 

My friend comes off as very confident, outspoken, outwardly expressive (tattoos and piercings). To delve further, he is not hard to figure out. Knowing that he wanted quick, cheap, disposable sex was not that difficult to discern. The women who were out for that found an easy target. Path of least resistance, in a sense.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I hate those labels but the fact that women need to take their time deciding if and when to sleep with me while some of my friends just have to say "Hi" really can do damage to your self esteem.


I read the whole thread and what I get from it is that you judge yourself by how much a woman desires you sexually. When you see other men getting laid with little or no effort you quickly assume that those men are more valued than you. That they are more loved and appreciated. You are the type who needs that assurance and acceptance through sex, because sex is the only way you are deriving your self esteem from.

You say that your girlfriend has a child right? Which means that if you were to continue the relationship feeling how you feel about sex and she has an "off" night and doesn't feel desire to have sex, you would take that personally and feel lots of resentment. Down the road it may cause problems because of how you feel about "guys getting laid with no effort". You would have to put forth lots of effort in this relationship because of the kid. It is good that she know this about you now so that she can make a decision on if she wants to continue this relationship with you or not. She may feel that constantly reassuring she loves you and values you through sex is too much effort for her. She may want someone who already feels confident and doesn't need her constant care in the bedroom.

Your OP has an air of "they get that treatment why can't I?" You are looking at the player's lifestyle through rose colored glasses, it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. You don't see the STD's, the baby mama drama and all that. You just want women to accept you just because you show up and have sex, to fill that bottomless pit of insecurity you feel about yourself. Even if they do this for you, you may feel that after a while this becomes empty too, then you will begin to look for the meaningful relationship such as the one you are crapping on right now.

Saying that you wish you didn't have to put forth effort in your relationship is like saying you don't feel your GF deserves your love. You wish she would put out like a sex slave regardless of how you treat her. You should wish to be better than that, but you are too damaged yourself and are reaching out for sex as a salve to your dysfunction. Because other men get the "easy" sex. You are not ready for a LTR, definitely not.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I've read the whole post as well, and I'm going to second the "do not tell her"

Why? What for? To make you feel better? To get her to focus on making you feel better? 

It won't make things better. You need to work on this yourself.. This isn't her job.. YOU need to fix you.. 

I wish a lot of things too.. I wish people looked at me differently sometimes as well.. But you know what? It is what is. I am who I am.. 

The important thing is to find someone who appreciates YOU for you..


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It's a combination of things. First you need an ass of a man then you need a women with low self esteem who uses sex to get love.
> 
> You could learn to be an ass and you could learn to target those women but I think based on watching my nice husband it's difficult to do if you've been raised to treat women with respect.
> 
> Just my theory/observation this isn't based on anything scientific.


Mavish....this is one of your best posts ever!!!!!!!


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

And here you have identified a fundamental different between men and women. Men have a remarkable ability to maintain the status quo when it comes to booty calls, women rarely do (I know the feminazis will jump on this but the stench of truth is hard to accept).
Best bet is to communicate if you're having feelings etc because if he sees it as a booty call (especially if you agreed to do that from the beginning) that's not going to change. I have friends I've known for over a decade that even pre - marriage and post - divorce it's booty call only though we are friends. It will never be more. Do I care about them? Absolutely.....but crossing that line into a relationship is out of the question.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ntamph said:


> No, I'm not angry that I'm not getting NSA sex right now.
> 
> I'm frustrated that I have never ever been offered it. Other men on this forum have posted about their wild glory days. I was just never good enough to have women put up with all sorts of crap from me for the privilege of sleeping with me because they wanted me that badly.


Your problem is that you have women on a pedestal. You have bought into the idea that women are some noble creature that are above such petty superficial concerns. So when a woman has some attraction to some guy, you immediately attribute it to some enlightened judgment on value.

The fact is that women can be selfish, immature, superficial, damaged, sexual, cold, wrong, stupid, hypocritical, demanding, etc. In short, they are human, just like men. Not better, not worse, just human.

So take women (and your girlfriend) off the pedestal and view and treat them like the humans that they are. Life will improve a whole lot for you once you do that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is a classic case of "grass is greener" syndrome.

For the record, NSA sex is overrated, I settled for it in my youth because that's all I could get. I even had one NSA tell me that I'm not bf material and that I was the type of guy who she would go out with, fk and leave me straight after. Is that what you really want?


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> This is a classic case of "grass is greener" syndrome.
> 
> For the record, NSA sex is overrated, I settled for it in my youth because that's all I could get. I even had one NSA tell me that I'm not bf material and that I was the type of guy who she would go out with, fk and leave me straight after. Is that what you really want?


You know it's funny you say that because I've had very similar experiences. I've actually been point blank told that I'm not really BF material because I have to a good degree "things" that would make a woman constantly feel threatened / insecure. It was always weird. Maybe it's just a convenient excuse I don't know.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye! Exactly!

Hence I don't see what's with OP's attitude/threads about 'regretting not being wild' / 'how can some men pull this off' etc etc

@Ntamph

Here's a song for ya:
SISTER HAZEL - Change Your Mind - YouTube


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

For what it's worth...

ntamph you sound like a lovely thoughtful person - enjoy that you are feeling so much meaning in your relationship and please don't wish to be someone's casual romp or ONS. 

i must say though a lot of you are pretty darn harsh..."women who would do that kind of thing," etc. After being in a 9 year relationship (with good sex) that ended last year, I was "that woman" who slept with a new guy on the third date. 

But I'm not of low value, thanks very much. I know my worth, and I liked this guy enough before we even started dating, and the chemistry was there, and I was horny as all get out, AND I told him I was going to take it pretty seriously if we did sleep together. And we did. And it was pretty good while it lasted...


Then he ended it because I was "too intense". Too relationshippy for him, I guess, when what he's now saying he wants is NSA. Which I won't do. So it's done. MAybe it was just a booty call for him, but I don't think so. Either way I don't regret the "quick" sex, I enjoyed it a lot and don't feel used - just glad it's cleared up now and we can both move on in better directions for us both. 

So you go, ntamph. Love up that woman with SA sex!


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