# Stupid Reason for Breaking Up?



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I am one year out of a divorce (very very short marriage) from a sex addict. As soon as I found out, I left him. We were officially divorced in March 2013. I'm over it and don't feel any long term effects from my cheating ex-husband. 

Since that time, I started dating someone whom I thought had great potential: good job, treated me well, solid background/family, etc. We actually grew up together. We are both in our late 30s and his longest relationship before me was 5 months... when he was 20 (red flag). My longest relationship was 4 years. I've had to "coach" him on how to be in a long term relationship. Things were going great until January 2014 when he changed jobs. In March 2014, I not only changed my job, I changed my entire career. Big change. We started fighting a lot from Jan-March. Seems natural, given the big changes in both of our lives. 

Here's the reason why we just broke up (we made it 6 months).. I know this sounds dumb, but its apparently a big problem: My entire family is doctors. Everyone. Parents, siblings, uncles, their spouses, etc. I am also a professional, but not a doctor. My bf (now ex-bf) believes heavily in naturopaths, which reject the entire idea of modern medicine. I cannot control him going to a naturopath, but I can control my future children from going. I don't believe it naturopaths. He does. Apparently, he's been going every other month since 2007 and he wants his children (from infancy) to see one each month. His naturo is $500/hour. I cannot allow my kids to see someone who outright rejects western medicine. My family would think I'm crazy.  

I told him he can go all he wants (I can't control him) but i am not comfortable with my future kids going when they're young (and I won't force it on them). He wants to take them from infancy. A pediatrician is OK too but he wants to supplement it with a naturopath. I know it seems dumb, but its a big problem for us and we're so damaged now, I think its impossible to get back together. He said his nature does chiro, acupuncture, diet advice, and she has these metal sticks that tell you if your internal organs are functioning properly (WTF?!?!). It seems like voo doo to me. My suggested compromise was: take them to a chiro, acupuncturist, a dietician, etc... anything but a naturopath. He said no. Essentially he won't compromise. 

Is this dumb? To break up over a naturopath for kids we don't have?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

No, sounds like you dodged a bullet there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Well, it's not a dumb reason but, he did agree to a pediatrician meaning he was willing to compromise. You are the one that won't. Also, many of the naturopath doctors in my area are doctors with a specialty in natural medicine and they don't reject modern medicine. They believe in healing instead of treating. 

Agreeing on this subject is important, its better now than later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree that if he was willing to use regular Drs as well that it was a compromise on his part but if it's a deal breaker for you then it is best that you know now rather than later. 
As a side note, it doesn't matter how your family would feel. It's not up to them. If it wasn't for them would you have been ok with it?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Heh, I'm the sort of person who would see a doctor if I have a physical injury. People on here all the time say to others to go see a doctor if they're depressed and I'm thinking :wtf: lol

I can understand why he'd prefer naturopaths, not that I see any, but I know what they're about. I get the whole thing behind healing your body rather than treating symptoms, but I don't really see a benefit to planning to take children to them constantly. If you're doing a crap job with their diet, a naturopath can't fix it, that's the parent's job.

I think that you guys are not compatible and this is a sure sign of that. It's not the cause, think of it as a symptom. I know, hard to differentiate for those immersed in 'modern' medicine. Sorry! Couldn't help it, lol.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

He said a regular pediatrician is OK but he wants to take his kid to a naturo MONTHLY. Really? At $500 a pop? It sounds kinda cultish to me. I agreed that you should avoid drugs when its possible but his whole mindset is: if he gets cancer, he's going to treat it with a naturopath and not a doctor. Steve Jobs tried to do that. Didn't work out so well for him. He said to me, "what the hell do you care, I'm the one who's dead". Well... what about your family that you're leaving behind??? What about me??? 

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable here, am I? I don't believe in forcing it on my kids - he does.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He could give you plenty of examples where modern medicine didn't work out for people with cancer too, but it's all just pointless. Neither of you are ever going to see eye to eye on this stuff. I'd cut my losses if I were you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think it's important to respect each other's feelings. Even if they sound crazy to you, he was willing to work it out with you. Cut your losses. By the way, pancreatic cancer is one if the worst, the mortality rate was 65% within six months (I believe) I'm not sure anyone could have saved Steve Jobs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

How was he willing to work it out? I didn't see any movement on his part. It was "my way or the highway". The pediatrician thing was always a given. He's insisting the kid see a nature anyway. How is that compromising? 

BTW, yes, pancreatic cancer is terminal. That's a diff story. Last week, my mother got a call from someone in Vancouver BC.. someone she had not spoken to in 20 years. He called to tell her that he had prostate cancer, treated it with diet 2 years ago, put it into remission, and then it came back with a vengeance. He called her to tell her goodbye and thank you for her friendship while he still had his wits about him. It was so sad.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Also, thanks guys for your input.  I appreciate it. It helps..


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Doesn't sound like a stupid reason at all. To me it's like a non-drinker dating someone who drinks every day. When I quit drinking for a while, I had to start again just to stop myself from going crazy from the enormous rift between us. Just seems like one of those core-value things that didn't mix.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I think it's important to respect each other's feelings. Even if they sound crazy to you, he was willing to work it out with you. Cut your losses. By the way, pancreatic cancer is one if the worst, the mortality rate was 65% within six months (I believe) I'm not sure anyone could have saved Steve Jobs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apparently Steve could've been saved if he didn't postpone modern medicine for 9 months while he did the all-natural thing.

Not trying to hijack the thread. I just read the book.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

You should ask Katie how she feels now that she is divorced from Tom...

Your guy sounds a little too cultish to me also. I am not against Naturopathy, personally, but anyone who is this close minded on this subject is also probably pretty close minded on other subjects as well. You are probably better off in the long run without him.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Kooked, I just read the book too.  Great read. 

Sparky, yes, I agree... its cultish. Sigh... Maybe time will heal this one... Some of the other people above said they thought he was compromising and I wasn't, so it leaves me unsure.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> Some of the other people above said they thought he was compromising and I wasn't, so it leaves me unsure.


In my opinion, it's not a question of compromise, but a question of core values. Sure a right-wing conservative can form a relationship with a left-wing liberal, but how long will it be before every dinner convo turns into an argument?

I guess if both of you said "wow, you have some really great points...lemme incorporate that into my philosophy," then fine. But I'm sure your family is going "yeah...let's look at the scientifically-tested data. Anyone not going to the doctor when they have cancer has a 76.3% chance of dying over the person who did."


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Kooked, Yes. You're right. It's probably core value issue here. He really believes in it. I think its a crock of s**t. Meh.. oh well. I suppose I'll just move on. I appreciate your thoughts. This was actually very helpful to see an outsider's perspective.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Love2326 said:


> Is this dumb? To break up over a naturopath for kids we don't have?


Yes it is very dumb IMO to break up with someone who has all the qualities you like in a partner over a hypothetical argument.

You guys aren't even married , no living together. You don't even own assets together like a house or car.


BTW, your ex husband wasn't a naturopath. I suppose he believed fully in conventional medicine and both of you would have fully agreed to take our kids to the doctor...






And he still cheated on you , several times.














This issue runs deeper that natropathic science versus modern medical science..

But something tells me you already _know_ that.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your exe's naturopth sounds like an overpriced quack that has a very strong cultish following.

A true naturopath goes to university. Takes the first two years of med school. then takes another two to four years learning thier trade. After that, they graduate with a real doctors degree licensed under the board of physicians and surgeons. 

The one I sometimes go see I actually went to university with...as a buddy I talked to quite often and visited the bar with. 

When I got there, he took blood samples, sent them off for a full spectrum analysis to the lab, and then reviewed the results. After that, he gave me some suggestions for "natural" medicines and supplements....really no different then the stuff from what you get in pill form from the store, except doses tailored for me...and in their natural state...much easier for the body to absorb. 

At one visit, with pain in my back...he referred me to a "real" doctor, as he wasn't comfortable with giving me natural supplements since he wasn't sure what was actually going on.

(that "real" doctor then sent me to a chiropractor...something the naturopath actually suggested but wanted another opinion from a "classic" doctor. ...talk about a "voodoo" trade....lol. A few rough cracking of my spine...and I was a happy camper.)

And my naturopath is only 100 dollars an hour.

I think the "quacks" out there "wreck" the true industry, with their divine rods and candle cups and taking pictures of your blood to see if your white blood cells are happy. It's unfortunate.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Alpha, Hmmm... interesting.. i'm learning more about what they do. Thank you. $100/hr is MUCH more reasonable. I knew someone who was paying $2,500/month on her naturopath and nothing was getting any better. She still paid it though. I just don't get it. At $100/hr it seems much more reasonable. 

Things are hanging by a thread at this point but if there's any hope, at least you have opened my mind up a bit. I'm trying hard to do that. I hate dating. It sucks.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> I hate dating. It sucks.


"You're either married and bored, or single and lonely." - Chris Rock


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm not sure if the naturopath issue is a good reason to break up. People sometimes say lots of things before the fact, but when the actual situation arises, they relent. My H has said he would never do "such and such" under "ANY circumstances" (an attitude which I found to be unpleasant and unreasonable) but here we are today and he is doing exactly what he said he'd never do (because he realized that compromise is possible).

It just sounds like you're not that passionate about him. You clearly have some things in common, but it sounds more like you just don't want to go back into the dating scene.

What does he think? Does he want to break up?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Again, it's a symptom, not a cause. They can't meet somewhere in the more reasonable 'middle' ground. Put two unreasonable people together and you get no compromises. No offence.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Breeze, No offense taken. I'm trying hard to be reasonable and I agreed to go with him to see what she does. I'm digging reeeeeally deep to do this but I suppose I have to keep an open mind. Ugh. 

Omego, good thoughts. Maybe you're right and I'm not that passionate about him. I may be opening up a can of worms here, but other than this problem, this guy has almost all the qualities I'm looking for (family, education, background, profession, religion, values, etc.) He does some stuff that that irritates me or that I think is kinda weird, but i can live with it. Everyone has their "quirks" right? 

I didn't ask the questions I needed to ask in my first marriage, so I'm making a point to address them in my relationships now (for example... the present issue: healthcare of our children). Here's the questions for you guys: are we supposed to be looking for ridiculous over the heels I love everything about this partner type of love? Or do you make your decision based upon an educated guess that this person will end up being a good partner (assuming there is love there too, of course)? Does the "ridiculous head over heels in love" type of love even exist??? Realistically??


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> Does the "ridiculous head over heels in love" type of love even exist??? Realistically??


Yeah for the first 6 months.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Love2326 said:


> I am one year out of a divorce (very very short marriage) from a sex addict. As soon as I found out, I left him. We were officially divorced in March 2013. I'm over it and don't feel any long term effects from my cheating ex-husband.
> 
> Since that time, I started dating someone whom I thought had great potential: good job, treated me well, solid background/family, etc. We actually grew up together. We are both in our late 30s and his longest relationship before me was 5 months... when he was 20 (red flag). My longest relationship was 4 years. I've had to "coach" him on how to be in a long term relationship. Things were going great until January 2014 when he changed jobs. In March 2014, I not only changed my job, I changed my entire career. Big change. We started fighting a lot from Jan-March. Seems natural, given the big changes in both of our lives.
> 
> ...


No this sounds very intelligent of you to dodge this. You're marriage would be hell I would predict !


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

What I'm thinking is that you've only been going out 6 months (although the two of you are in a serious relationship), and you're having some major stumbling blocks. Time to reevaluate the relationship in terms of:
- can you BOTH compromise on important issues?
- will you both hold resentments toward the other if each can't 'get their own way'?

It's important to bear in mind that dating is a good testing ground to see of you can work through difficult issues.

I think his compromise of seeing a paediatrician is a fair one. I think they would have the best of both worlds - traditional and alternative treatment.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Fizz, Good points. IMO, he didn't compromise much because going to a pediatrician was never an issue. The issue was a Naturo and all the beliefs my family has regarding medicine. He insists on it, I don't want it. My compromise: anything BUT a nature (chiro, accu, dietician, etc.). He said no. 

Yes, this is a very serious relationship but its so damaged already, I don't know if it can be repaired. Yesterday, I told him I'd go with him to see what his naturo does and he said said OK. With more discussion, I pressed him on some issues (which objectively speaking, I probably shouldn't have done) and when I asked him if he had already checked out, he blurted "yes". Then he calmed down and changed his mind. 

We left the conversation with neither of us knowing what else to say and we hung up. I'm tired of worrying about this. Whatever happens, will happen I suppose.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> Fizz, Good points. IMO, he didn't compromise much because going to a pediatrician was never an issue. The issue was a Naturo and all the beliefs my family has regarding medicine. He insists on it, I don't want it. My compromise: anything BUT a nature (chiro, accu, dietician, etc.). He said no.
> 
> Yes, this is a very serious relationship but its so damaged already, I don't know if it can be repaired. Yesterday, I told him I'd go with him to see what his nature does and he at first said OK, then he said he had already checked out.. hah??
> 
> We left the conversation with neither of us knowing what else to say and we hung up. I'm tired of worrying about this. Whatever happens, will happen I suppose.


Sorry to sound negative but it sounds doomed. I'd move on. If he said he'd show you what his Naturo does and then withdrew...he pretty much killed it IMO.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Well that conversation was only yesterday. We hung up the phone with me saying "I think we both need to recover from today." He asked me for a date when I can go to see his nature but i'm going out of town for work soon so I couldn't give him a date on the phone.

if there's anything positive that came out of yesterday, I have learned how he reacts when he gets frustrated and when I press him. When I saw it happening, I immediately backed off and it subsided. For a person who is totally new to long term relationships, this is very difficult for him. Its a bit easier for me because I've been through this crap before. Problem is, I think his MO pattern has been to quit and run away when the going gets tough.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

OP, a deal breaker is a deal breaker, whatever it is. For some people there are things they won't compromise on, better to stick to your guns now & not fight later on. I think you & your (ex)BF are too divergent on something as fundamental as health care choices. I could see him saying one thing now, then reverting later on because his beliefs run too deep to change.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> Well that conversation was only yesterday. We hung up the phone with me saying "I think we both need to recover from today." He asked me for a date when I can go to see his nature but i'm going out of town for work soon so I couldn't give him a date on the phone.
> 
> if there's anything positive that came out of yesterday, I have learned how he reacts when he gets frustrated and when I press him. When I saw it happening, I immediately backed off and it subsided. For a person who is totally new to long term relationships, this is very difficult for him. Its a bit easier for me because I've been through this crap before. *Problem is, I think his MO pattern has been to quit and run away when the going gets tough.*


Regarding the bolded part: are you certain this is his M.O.? If it is, this way of dealing with problems ('the cut and run' method) is not compatible with a solid relationship. It is also not conducive to being happily married. Unhappily married, maybe. Running away from life issues shows a lack of maturity and unwillingness to work out problems in an adult manner. 

That's why I'm asking if you are sure.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Love this is sounding more and more like Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise over Scientology. You both feel strongly about your positions. If he takes you to his Naturo, are you willing to be convinced it's for you or your kids? I'd answer that question first.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Honestly, if you had a kid and the kid needed "normal" medicine for a crisis, such as spina bifida or diabetes or leukemia, you don't need to go much further than the closest attorney or child advocate's office to enforce it. 

For anything else, typically both parents need to agree to any treatment, you could make sure that the naturopath knew that no treatment could be given without your permission.

It's like a prenup...making sure he knows the rules of play.
If you can't come to any kind of agreement, then yes, best to part ways. But you should know, and he should know, you have the law on your side when it comes to mainstream medical treatment for yourself or for your child/ren.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think this is a huge issue. Don't compromise on your (future) kids' health....period. Don't marry or have kids with someone who you can't agree with, understand or appreciate. 

And ..... don't "settle" for someone because you think they may be an ok spouse. 

Real/in-love/excitement/happiness.... is out there. I'm living it. I didn't know it was out there either, but agreeing on all the big stuff seems to keep all that loving going and makes it EASY!


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

FizzBomb said:


> Regarding the bolded part: are you certain this is his M.O.? If it is, this way of dealing with problems ('the cut and run' method) is not compatible with a solid relationship. It is also not conducive to being happily married. Unhappily married, maybe. Running away from life issues shows a lack of maturity and unwillingness to work out problems in an adult manner.
> 
> That's why I'm asking if you are sure.


No, i'm not sure if he always runs. He is 36 and hasn't had any long term relationships. He always cuts it short.. therefore leading me to believe that he runs when the going gets tough. And this is absolutely NOT a trait I want in a spouse. I see his efforts though, he's reading Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus.. he's written his feelings (positive and negative) down for me in letters and given them to me. He's trying. He's just not good at it.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

KookedFish said:


> Love this is sounding more and more like Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise over Scientology. You both feel strongly about your positions. If he takes you to his Naturo, are you willing to be convinced it's for you or your kids? I'd answer that question first.


The more I think about it, yes, i'm open to it now. I don't like it, but I realize that I wont always get what I want in any relationship. Everyone has to give and take. I'd set rules on a naturo... like.. he/she has to have an office (not work out of their home), he/she has to be one of those who support western medicine when its really necessary, no voo doo type stuff... dietary advice is OK, Chiro is OK. acupuncture is OK. and if my kid says they don't want to go when they're older, he can't force them to go.


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## NostalgicOne (Mar 24, 2014)

Many doctors here in Va/Dc are BOTH a licensed MD and a Holistic doctor. Maybe the compromise would be the combination and interviewing a doctor with both credentials that you "both" feel is the best.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> The more I think about it, yes, i'm open to it now. I don't like it, but I realize that I wont always get what I want in any relationship. Everyone has to give and take. I'd set rules on a naturo... like.. he/she has to have an office (not work out of their home), he/she has to be one of those who support western medicine when its really necessary, no voo doo type stuff... dietary advice is OK, Chiro is OK. acupuncture is OK. and if my kid says they don't want to go when they're older, he can't force them to go.


Sounds like you've got a neutral ground for him to meet at then...the ball(s) are in his court!


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Update: Met him for dinner tonight. I told him I am sick of fighting (between us here on TAM, I was at the point where I was like... "F it already"). I agreed he could take our nonexistent kids to a Naturopath, BUT all healthcare making decisions are to be made JOINTLY; this includes selecting healthcare providers. I said it was too early for me to make a call on frequency, education criteria of treating professionals, etc. But perhaps this kid would have the best of both worlds. He was really appreciative. 

I suppose I hit a wall and I decided it simply wasn't worth this much fighting. I will select someone who believes in western medicine, has an office, does not use any voo doo type stuff, who has a solid educational background, etc. But we agreed that neither party can unreasonably withhold consent. 

We are not back together (neither of us are ready for that) and I have no idea where to go from here, but we'll have to figure that out together. I have to take the good with the bad. Overall, I think he still has prospects to be a solid life partner. We're learning "how to fight" I guess, which sucks, but each party has to put in effort to get through difficult times. I was concerned he wasn't trying, but after hearing how much this affected him and what he did to try to rectify the situation, it was pretty apparent he tried. hard. 

TAM is a great resource for getting second and third opinions on all aspects of relationships. No matter how dumb a problem may sound its still really helpful to me to get objective third party views. So thanks to everyone who posted on this. I appreciate it. We'll see what happens with this one!


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