# Hello everybody, I'm new here



## Worried-

Hi everybody,

First, I wanted to say that I discovered this forum a few hours ago and I absolutely did not think I was going to register, but reading so many testimonies and seeing the good advice that people receive here made me change my mind !

I will probably explain my situation better in the corresponding forum, but to summarize quickly, I have been dating my girlfriend for several years, and I think she is the girl I want to marry and have children with. We get along on every aspect and we complete each other very well.

There is one big caveat however : I have the infamous "gut feeling" that she has been cheating or at least flirting with an ex, or several. Long story short, I confronted her on some texts that I saw she exchanged with a boy (that weren't so bad per say but let's be honest, her ex boyfriend who is texting her cannot be a normal friend). She is supposed to have stopped it but I noticed that she no longer leaves her phone alone so I cannot check it anymore. Other things were also suspicious. But i know I cannot directly confront her because she will deny it so it won't help me to take my decision. And I don't want her to become even more suspicious, in which case I would not be able to gain evidence.

So I plan to ask in the "Coping with infidelity" forum for some technical help to gain proofs, or not, that she is cheating. Other insights would also be welcome.

Thank you for your time and have a nice day.

Edit : Just to clarify, I would understand if this problem looked a bit mundane compared to other situations I read on this forum where decades-old marriages and children are involved. But I wanted to say that I am hurting very much right now. That's why I need a way to check if my feeling is right or if i am in the wrong.


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## niceguy47460

If she is talking to an ex she is cheating .


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## jlg07

So, one boundary you can discuss with your GF is that if you get engaged, no more hiding phones, email addresses, facebook, instagram, etc.
You BOTH get the id/passwords for ALL accounts and hide nothing from each other.
You need to see her reaction to this. Open YOUR phone and say, here, look all you want -- now let me see YOUR phone.

If she won't ask her why not? If you can't have this level of trust with each other NOW while she is your gf, it won't get any better, and you need that level of trust for marriage.


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## Worried-

Thank you both for your answers.

niceguy : Honestly my gut would say you are right... However, from the day I knew her, she has always been very insecure, so I still believe she could do that without physically cheating. The texts I saw were never even flirtatious, it was more something like "What's up, ..." but now I can't know if it has escalated or not because she is much more protective of her phone.

jlg07 : This is a really good take. I should have taken that decision before, but I thought I would try to trust her judgement. Obviously, if our relationship becomes even more serious down the road, I will have to do this.

The only problem I have right now, and that is why I will need technical advice, is that I think she uses temporary messages that disappear with time (like Snapchat, or Messenger private mode). If i ask for her phone, i think there is a good chance i will not find anything because she will have deleted it.


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## jlg07

One other item for you that may help the BOTH of you.
There is a book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass that details opposite sex relationships and how detrimental they can be without boundaries.
EX-BF/GF's should be considered a BIG NO-NO for any relationship (IMO). You KNOW there was an attraction there at one point, so why take the chance?

Others may be able to help you more with Snapchat/messenger (although NOT sure if those can be captured by an app like Dr. Fone -- you will be able to get DELETED messages/pics from what I've heard).


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## Marc878

Go online and Check your phone bill. 

Always in these situations you can't make her have boundaries. Only those that are unwilling to accept that come out better rather than live with this crap.

EA's PA's mostly start out as friendly chat.

Insecurity tends to be the driving factor.


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## .339971

Always go with your gut. And if she won't leave her phone alone with you for any length of time, she's doing something she shouldn't. It stings, but this isn't someone you would want to settle down with.


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## Tilted 1

Ok worried, she's the one for you but..... Does she know your the one for her? I get it but if it's only one-sided then there more at stake your not aware of. But all things considered here's a app that lets you see what she's doing on her phone,.....

https://bestparentalcontrolapps.com/hoverwatch/

I do wish you consider this before you use it because if this is how the relationship starts it's bound to fail because doubt and fear are in the forefront.


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## Cynthia

Do not go into marriage with someone you don't trust. 

Do not go into marriage with someone who is hiding things from you.

Do not go into marriage with someone who continues to do things that hurt you.

You will regret it.


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## MattMatt

@Worried- you might need to post your story in Coping With Infidelity.


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## Worried-

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it greatly. I know deep in my heart that you are right. I think jlg07's suggestion is good, but I need to be sure of her character first. If she has already cheated on me, the relationship is already dead to me, I won't accept this king of crap. If she hasn't and it is still just talking, I think i can give her one last chance, but thinking about it, i don't know if I will be able to totally trust her again. 

Now, I wonder if relationships where people 100% trust each other really exist ? Well I'm sure they exist, but are these people RIGHT to trust their partner 100% ? I read a lot of stories on this forum and it just blew my mind how people just seem to cheat even when it seems "impossible" from the partner point of view.

Anyway, to answer directly to each of you :

Marc878 -> She uses her work mobile phone so I cannot do that. I know that it can lead to that, I am a man and i know that if I would talk to an ex girlfriend, there would be something else going on in my mind than just asking for news. Thank you for your comment on insecurity, I agree with this.

The Outlaw -> I know you are right. It seems to be just a matter of time. But I also see the affection that she has for me and how she tries to please me. So it could be very immature and selfish behavior from her part, but i still want to get to the bottom of this. Even if I do leave her in the end, I need to know the truth to grow and perhaps not repeat the same mistakes in the futur.

Tilted -> I don't think it is one-sided. She has repeatedly been talking about children with me and her day-to-day behavior shows me (in my opinion but i could be wrong of course) that she loves me.
I know, it bothers me to do this but unfortunately I fear I won't have the truth otherwise. I looked at your app but i cannot use it because she uses an iPhone, i need to think about a plan. I posted questions in a "Coping with infidelity" existing thread about technical questions but it seems to not have been accepted by a moderator yet, do you think I should post a detailed new thread about my questions ?

Cynthia -> Thank you. I just need the truth to take my decision.

Edit : Sorry MattMatt I did not see your post. Okay i will do that. Yesterday I posted questions on a thread that seemed really focused on technical issue which is my biggest need right now because it will help me know the truth, but it seems is has not been accepted by moderation. I will perhaps create a new thread then, thank you.


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## arbitrator

*Welcome to TAM, @Worried- ~ I, for one, am greatly looking forward to reading your full uninterrupted story!

One's "gut instinct" is usually always the best barometer for marital and relationship infidelity!

Please keep one thing in mind: You are among grinds here, so please feel free to post away!*


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## Mybabysgotit

jlg07 said:


> So, one boundary you can discuss with your GF is that if you get engaged, no more hiding phones, email addresses, facebook, instagram, etc.
> You BOTH get the id/passwords for ALL accounts and hide nothing from each other.
> You need to see her reaction to this. Open YOUR phone and say, here, look all you want -- now let me see YOUR phone.
> 
> If she won't ask her why not? If you can't have this level of trust with each other NOW while she is your gf, it won't get any better, and you need that level of trust for marriage.


If you even have a second thought as to whether she is cheating on you or not, DO NOT MARRY HER! Don't ever date, much less than marry someone that is insecure. You will have a lifetime of misery. She will continually throughout your relationship look for validation from other men. 

It does not matter whether she is cheating, thinking about cheating, or no where near cheating. If you don't feel comfortable with her actions, DO NOT MARRY HER. Gut instincts are usually correct, trust them. 

You will have a lot more posts in this forum if you decide to stay with her.


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## Chuck71

If she is now secretive with the phone, she is doing something she shouldn't be and doesn't want you

to know. Even if it is one-sided, she is still keeping him "around" in case you bolt. He is an ex-bf for a 

reason. But she may want to have a Plan B, just in case. If it were me.....

I would ask for her phone and peruse it for a couple hours. If there's something going on, he will

text her. Oh.... now that you know she does talk with an ex, if she refuses to hand over the phone,

tell her three words, "There's the door"

If her phone is more important to her than you, this relationship is toast.


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## Cynthia

Marriage is about having each other's backs 100%. She obviously doesn't have your back. She is not working with you. She is hiding things from you. That is not a healthy relationship. Even if she's "only talking" to this other man, it doesn't matter. She does not have your back and she is playing games with your heart. Going into a marriage with someone like that is foolhardy. 

I understand your need to know and have no issue with you finding out, but in making a decision as to whether or not to marry someone, it is unwise to marry someone who is behaving in a suspicious manner and clearly has no intention of clearing up the confusion for you. She isn't taking your needs into account. How can you join your life to someone who treats you like that? It doesn't work and you'll be miserable.


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## lifeistooshort

How old are you guys?

Seems a little odd that you refer to her as a girl and the ex as a boy. That's how teenagers refer to each other.


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## Worried-

lifeistooshort said:


> How old are you guys?
> 
> Seems a little odd that you refer to her as a girl and the ex as a boy. That's how teenagers refer to each other.


Sorry, I am on my phone and cannot answer to everybody now. Thanks for your replies, it hurts me but it makes a ton of sense. I will answer to each of you later. 

To answer the above question, we are in our late 20s. English is not my first language so I use both girl and woman but she is definitely a woman. Sorry about that.


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## lifeistooshort

Worried- said:


> Sorry, I am on my phone and cannot answer to everybody now. Thanks for your replies, it hurts me but it makes a ton of sense. I will answer to each of you later.
> 
> To answer the above question, we are in our late 20s. English is not my first language so I use both girl and woman but she is definitely a woman. Sorry about that.


Ok, thanks.....that makes sense. It did occur to me that English might not be your first language but I thought I'd ask.

Sometimes people for whom English is their first language will refer to others like this and it is a sign of immaturity.

Otherwise you've received great advice.


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## maddisweet

Hello, wouldn't accept him to speak with the ex


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