# Urgent Help Needed!!!



## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

So me and my girlfriend have been having a lot of problems. Why? I really honestly don't understand it myself. I know her hormones are all out of whack. I also think she may be bi polar or borderline from different things I have read but she won't get it checked out. Those are things I can't control at all. 

Our history over the past 3 years has been really rough to say the least. A lot of people ask me why I've stayed with her. Simple. I really and truly love her and as they say love makes you stupid.

I've been beat down emotionally for the past 3 years. I've been made paranoid. She goes through phases. She will feel so connected and attracted to me then literally within a week can completely change her mind and talk about how we need to break up. Then the cycle goes back around. I start putting back money to leave and then I foolishly believe she wants to work on the relationship finally. So then I stay. Then when the cycle starts up again she gets mad that I'm still here and says she hasn't changed her mind she still wants me gone. She doesn't understand that she can't say she loves me,talk about our future together and consistently want me and not expect to think she's really is in the relationship. Maybe I'm dumb for thinking that every time I dunno but that's neither here nor there at the moment. She wil say she feels so connected to me then she will go off saying she hasn't felt connected to me in "ages"

Here's the situation. My girlfriend is a flirt. A big flirt. Personally what she does I don't consider it flirting. If it was just your regular flirting it wouldn't be a big deal to me and I have addressed it with her before. She talks very sexual. To the extent that she will go into positions she would let them put her in if she was the type to cheat. 

For a couple of weeks now I have been suspicious about a guy she keeps facebooking with all the time. I get all the computer and look at the history and it's a bunch of messages from him. Of course obviously couldn't tell what they said. She stays on facebook all day at work. She used to be kind of on and off and wouldn't be on facebook this much so it made me suspicious. So I put a keylogger on my computer and got her password. All kinds of messages dragging me through the dirt and talking about how she want to be with him. So I mentioned it to her. Didn't say I put a keylogger on there just that I was curious to it since she had never been on facebook this much before. She said oh it's nothing. He went through a break up with his girlfriend of 4 years and she's been giving him advice. Obviously that was a lie. I was really hoping me mentioning it would put a stop to it. Nope. I checked it again a couple days ago and it's still continuing only worse. She has flat out mentioned that she wants to have sex with him. Describing the whole scenario out. Oh it gets better. On the day this occurred she had stayed up late and told him she was thinking about him a lot that night. Ok keep that mind. I checked her email on there in the chat program she told an ex boyfriend (who still pines for her) that she thought about him a whole bunch that night. So she's lying to both of them on that end. She's telling a whole bunch of lies about me and then gets offended when I get bothered by it. She is trying to make herself into the victim when she's not. 

Tonight she was supposed to be going to this thing with her mother but she isn't going. Instead she's going a friend of her's house to drink. Another ex boyfriend. She hasn't done anything with him in a long time and see's him like a brother. Although I have found that he still wants to have sex with her. Also she was messaging this guy on facebook about what his plans were. He was offering to cancel his poker night if she wanted to hang out. She declined saying that if they did they would end up doing a lot of things.

So here's where we are at. She's "flirting" with these different guys. Lying about me. Lying to me about where she's going. She just tells people she needs out of the house and away from me. Were already in this cycle of wanting me to move out and I'm trying to do so. I have called everyone I know about staying with them and no one has any room. My own parents won't even let me stay there for the same room. Not even on the couch. The night the conversations got really bad we had a big blow out and I actually did leave that night. She got ahold of all my friends till she figured out where I was and came over and asked me to come home. I was bound and determined to sleep on the street if I had too! She eventually talked me into it (like I said in love and dumb) So we make it home and everything seems ok. Two days later it snows. I go to work she stays home with her kids. I get home (this is yesterday) and she's in a good mood and constantly touching me. Today we were both off and it's I'm suffocating her again. Funny thing is this whole time I've stayed in our room and she's been in the living room! 

To make matters worse I had a bead on a place to live and of course last night my job calls and says they are laying me and several others in my department off. So now I need a place to live and don't have a job. She doesn't know about that. I called my local church and they put me over to a place that gives assistance but they only take voicemails and return your call a couple days later. Right now about everything I own is on craigslist just to try to get out of here in a hurry. It's really breaking my heart. 

I really want to save this relationship but I don't know if it's possible and if it is how to do it. She goes for hormone therapy in February. By then I will hopefully be either long gone or she will have cheated on me. In my last relationship (my ex wife) it ended because she cheated on me. I'm worried if it happens again it's going to put me over. I seriously wondered if I was going to make it through the last time. My confidence is at a all time low these days and I have no idea how to fix that either. 

Sorry this is so long. I had a lot to say and not really sure if I made the situation clear or not.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

there is little urgent help of the sort you seem to need that you can get from an online forum. It sounds like you need some real life local help to find a place to live to sort things out.
Without a job it will be tough to find a new place. You may end up in a shelter for the homeless if you have no other resources.
As to the relationship, it sounds very convoluted and one that could use some separation for both of you to sort things out.
Given the dire straits of your situation, you may want to try to keep things as calm as possible in your current living/personal situation, start immediately to find other work difficult as that will be right at Xmas - though maybe you can pick up something temporary, and when you have the financial means move to your own place and then you can work on your relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It sounds to me like you have more than enough to deal with in your own life. Why on earth would you stay with someone who is so high maintenance, plus is cheating on you?? 

Get rid of her and work on getting your feet back under you. Quit enabling her behaviour - maybe do some reading about 'manning up'. There's something called the 180 that might really help you too. It's all about taking care of YOU. It's linked somewhere in the newbie link in my signature if you can find it, it's also linked directly in other signatures on here, if I find it I will post it.

Life is WAY too short to waste it on someone who has no respect for you.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

Thank you. I've already started looking for other work. One of my friends gave me the number to a place he knows is hiring so I gave them a call earlier to make sure. Waiting on them to call back now.

I found some hotels for $500 a month I was thinking of getting just like you said need a job. 

I know she told one of her friends that she doesn't even want another relationship right now she just wants space to sort things out for herself. Which I also know she told me she doesn't want anything longterm right now ie "bed buddy"

I tried to offer a solution of me move out but we keep seeing other about once a week just so we both have space and don't have to toss away our relationship without being able to really identify what the problems are.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> It sounds to me like you have more than enough to deal with in your own life. Why on earth would you stay with someone who is so high maintenance, plus is cheating on you??
> 
> Get rid of her and work on getting your feet back under you. Quit enabling her behaviour - maybe do some reading about 'manning up'. There's something called the 180 that might really help you too. It's all about taking care of YOU. It's linked somewhere in the newbie link in my signature if you can find it, it's also linked directly in other signatures on here, if I find it I will post it.
> 
> Life is WAY too short to waste it on someone who has no respect for you.


Hope she hasn't cheated on me as of yet. One of the things I'm hoping to avoid. I have a lot to deal with no question about it. This church one of the things I want to inquire about is counseling for myself. 

You know I think I have read something before about the 180 when I was going through my divorce. I have no excuses. I simply love this woman and her kids but I do realize some things have got to change. Which is why I'm honestly really trying to get out of here

I'm confused. How am I enabling her behavior? It's one of the interesting things I find about online forums. Sometimes people can see things from a story that the people involved cannot.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

What are the things about her that make you want to stay?

If you decide to leave, permanently or temporarily, I would advise laying low and waiting until after the holidays. I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like, but you could try going to them with a specific plan of action. If you tell them what you will do each day to find a job, and give them a specific number of days you'd need in order to get work and line up an apartment, and if you follow through on this plan to the letter, that may convince them to make room for you for a little while.

Not an easy situation to be in. Best of luck.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

Anabel said:


> What are the things about her that make you want to stay?
> 
> If you decide to leave, permanently or temporarily, I would advise laying low and waiting until after the holidays. I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like, but you could try going to them with a specific plan of action. If you tell them what you will do each day to find a job, and give them a specific number of days you'd need in order to get work and line up an apartment, and if you follow through on this plan to the letter, that may convince them to make room for you for a little while.
> 
> Not an easy situation to be in. Best of luck.


There's a lot of things about her that make me want to stay. I actually made a pros and cons list about it all as silly as that may seem. On my list it was pros 11 Cons 4. 

My relationship with my parents is not good. After my little brother passed away a little over a year ago everything went downhill. For both me and my family. My dad's health has not been good in a long time. He hasn't got any kind of short term memory so there's a lot we get to retell him. It's painful everytime he asks when my brother is coming home. It's too an extent that my mother is so depressed and stressed that she has made mention multiple times on ready for my dad to pass away as well. 

Regardless I did mention it to them. They have my niece and one of my sisters living there and her husband. They are expecting soon so there isn't any room.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Those are some very harsh circumstances.

Focusing on getting back on your feet, emotionally and financially, rather than putting most of your energy and thoughts into working things out with her--as difficult as it is to set aside--it will give you much better options, whether you decide to stay or go. When you don't have any good choices or much of a safety net, it's obviously difficult to think things out very calmly. I would just try to go one step at a time and concentrate on what you need to do for yourself right now.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

Anabel said:


> Those are some very harsh circumstances.
> 
> Focusing on getting back on your feet, emotionally and financially, rather than putting most of your energy and thoughts into working things out with her--as difficult as it is to set aside--it will give you much better options, whether you decide to stay or go. When you don't have any good choices or much of a safety net, it's obviously difficult to think things out very calmly. I would just try to go one step at a time and concentrate on what you need to do for yourself right now.


Yes it is. So basically I'm on my own with all this to try to figure out. She will ask pretty regularly if I'm able to move in with so and so. Everyday I pretty much have to tell her no I've already discussed it with them. I can't tell her I'm thinking of just getting a hotel on a month to month basis because then she says I'm just trying to make her feel bad. 

Right now I'm just trying my best to stay clear as much as it all hurts. My mind just keeps going she claims she loves you but she treats you like this? wtf? I'm doing everything I can to try to give her space and breathing room. My first focus is getting back to work and then go from there. She wants me gone by the first of the month.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

She has already cheated on you. The fact that she may not have actually had physical sex is just a technicality which she seems determined to go through with soon. Unless she would seek psychiatric help and get on medication I see no possible future.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rad, seriously... You need to get your own life together before you try to have a good relationship. I get it that you feel like you love this girl, and the question that comes to my mind is "What do you love, exactly? The disrespect, the insecurity, the excitement?" She's not good for you and you know it. You're letting your emotions get in the way of common sense. 

You can't maintain a good relationship without being on your feet financially, and homeless is not a good financial state. When you can't provide for yourself, you can't provide for a relationship.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

I was doing some research on my own behavior last night and I'm really wondering if I have this caretaker personality disorder.

On another note. She went to one of her friends house last night. I ended up going to see one of my friends and made sure to get back later than her. I thought that with the way she's going she might like coming home to an empty house.

As soon as she got home she started texting me telling me about her night. I replied little to none. After I got done seeing my friend I came home around midnight. She was in an extremely good mood. We had sex and went to bed. She was being really cuddly last night. It really actually surprised me. I'm not taking that as any kind of sign that she's coming back around. I'm just looking at it and going "ok we had a good night" I'm going to do some research today and try to find other places that might be able to give me some assistance and apply to a few places about part time night shift jobs also. I'm trying to put together a game plan.

I found something else that to me was a little shocking. Her mom knows about everything including the other guy that she's been talking too. Which that kind of angers me. Her mom acts like she likes me so much and will say to me frequently that my girlfriend will really be messing up if she loses me. Which to her credit her mom isn't right in the head either. She recently went through a divorce and her new boyfriend is actually a close friend of the family. On top of him she dates multiple other guys. My girlfriend's sister is the same way other than she's married. Makes me wonder if this is a family trait or something.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

Good thing I took the attitude of that she's not coming around. She's been in a pretty decent mood today but has already mentioned a friend of her's that is moving out of his ex wife's apartment and is looking for a roommate. That would be a last resort. I'm not sure how comfortable it would be living with one of her friends and obviously only having one thing in common which is her I think would make it even harder. So today I'm just hanging out in the bedroom while she's in the living room. As much as I want to go in there and be with her it's best I put as much space between her and I as possible. The kids are taking notice of things which sucks. I told her a couple days ago I wanted us to be as civil and try to act as normal as possible during this transition but she's making that insanely difficult.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

So I may be asking to get in even more trouble but I blocked facebook on all the computers. Since my girlfriend lost her phone using the home computers has been her only way to talk to the other guy. Well here and work and I'm halfway tempted to call HR at her job. Although I do know that earlier she used her daughters phone to send him a message saying "she wanted to do bad things to him last night" she didn't see him though I know 100% that she was at one of her friend's house.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This is cheating

"All kinds of messages dragging me through the dirt and talking about how she want to be with him."

"She has flat out mentioned that she wants to have sex with him. Describing the whole scenario out."

"she had stayed up late and told him she was thinking about him a lot that night"

"she told an ex boyfriend (who still pines for her) that she thought about him a whole bunch that night"

Intercourse is the end result of having an emotional affair. Someone cheats when they invest emotionally or sexually with someone in secret other than their spouse.

This is a great book about it

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Keep looking for somewhere else to live. And stop having sex with her. You don't know what she's doing when she goes to see these 'friends'. She very well could be having sex. Get tested for STD's.

And read the link in my signature for CWI newbies.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

I called the church again to try to get help with moving out. Still no answer from them. They have called a couple times and I keep missing their phone calls even though I call right back all I get is the machine. 

I'm now sleeping in a different room altogether. 

Because I'm a glutton I checked her facebook and gmail...again. I really need to stop that. She went from facebook to emailing him on gmail. She was going to go see him last night and things came up that she couldn't make it. So now she wants to go see him today. How bad is it that all I've asked of her is to wait till I'm gone and she's showing so little respect for me and how I feel that she is going to do it anyways...and soon. As for me I plan to be there if she goes.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Man, decide on a course of action and stick to it.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

Maneo said:


> Man, decide on a course of action and stick to it.


The course of action has been decided and I am sticking to it. What happens in between time to prevent more hurt is equally as important to me. Whether it should be or not is a different story.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Oh man brother...

I feel your pain, I've been exactly where you are I know exactly what your going thru..

Here's what you need to do...

Don't focus on just one church...
Call, drive, take the bus, or walk to every church you can
tell them your situation
tell them everything
Job, Place To Stay, etc...
try to find your local salvation army, they usually can provide beds in emergency situations.

What you need to is expand your list of places for help
get in the phone book, look under "Churches" go down the list

Many churches don't require you to be a member to help you out.
get on this as soon as you can

If you call the churches and they can't help you, ask them who can..

worry about the girl later

your number one priority is getting on your feet

(It wouldn't hurt to ask God for a little help too brother)
what have you got to lose?

I'll be praying for your man
Good Luck


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

I tried calling the salvation army and my local action center as well. The action center doesn't have any funds right now and tried calling the salvation army however they only have certain days they do any kind of assistance interviews. I told them it was an emergency situation but the day they wanted to schedule me to come in and talk to them is about 2 months away. I also tried calling my parent's church but they won't help without being a member. I really didn't even think of that honestly. Just going down the list of churches. 

The oldest came and talked to me a little bit ago. She was telling me that she's sad this is all happening. I wanted to ask what all she was told but I didn't. I already know the drill that I've been made into the bad guy. Fortunately she knows her mom well enough to know not everything she says is the truth. She thinks it's just going to be the 3 of them for awhile after I'm gone. I wanted badly to tell her the truth but I just kept my mouth shut. t this stage in the game I don't know what all will get back to my girlfriend plus I don't want the kids dragged in anymore than they already are. 

and thank you DedicatedDad. It truly is a painful time period and I need as much help as I can get at the moment.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Radorix567 said:


> I tried calling the salvation army and my local action center as well. The action center doesn't have any funds right now and tried calling the salvation army however they only have certain days they do any kind of assistance interviews. I told them it was an emergency situation but the day they wanted to schedule me to come in and talk to them is about 2 months away. I also tried calling my parent's church but they won't help without being a member. I really didn't even think of that honestly. Just going down the list of churches.
> 
> The oldest came and talked to me a little bit ago. She was telling me that she's sad this is all happening. I wanted to ask what all she was told but I didn't. I already know the drill that I've been made into the bad guy. Fortunately she knows her mom well enough to know not everything she says is the truth. She thinks it's just going to be the 3 of them for awhile after I'm gone. I wanted badly to tell her the truth but I just kept my mouth shut. t this stage in the game I don't know what all will get back to my girlfriend plus I don't want the kids dragged in anymore than they already are.
> 
> and thank you DedicatedDad. It truly is a painful time period and I need as much help as I can get at the moment.


Look brother, I feel you about the girl...seriously I do...
but if your walking around homeless what good will a girl do you?
you have to block everything out right now
give the kids a hug and get busy with those calls...

you have to focus on getting some solid ground under your feet

you have to treat it like a numbers game
the more calls you make, the better your chances are of getting help
you can't give up after the first few tries
get that phone book and go down the list
keep calling and calling until you find somebody who can help you
they are out there, you just have to put in the effort
get the phone book - call and keep a record of
names
addresses
appointments
phone numbers

something is bound to come thru for you
somebody is out there waiting to help you
there are lots of good people in this world
but they are not going to come to you
you have to get on that phone or hit the streets and go find them

get your mind off that girl and get your priorities straight
roll up your sleeves and stay on that phone until you start getting help


remember, it's a numbers game, the more you call
the better your chances are of getting help

It can't hurt to ask God to help you either man
what have you got to lose?
your back is up against the wall
he can help you quicker than anybody else can

this is just a temporary thing man, I know you feel kind of
lost and confused right now and it seems like you don't 
have a friend in the world, but you have to stay strong
stay focused, do what you have to do to make this happen
a little later on, you'll look back on this and it will be one
of those moments in your life that made you stronger
you can do it man....don't give up...just keep moving forward
put one foot in front of the other...one step at a time
you can do it


Good Luck


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

I think aside from the obvious one of the things that is really messing my mind up is I was just in an almost identical situation a few years back when I was getting divorced. You would have thought I would have learned the signs from that one but I did not. 

Only things that made that one different was that I still had my apartment and had a good paying job. Which as my luck has it also laid me off a few months after my divorce got started. So this is almost like living through that again only with kids involved. 

Trust me I have been praying and praying to God to help me through all this for months now. I just don't ever seem to get any any answers or while it seems kind of messed up this is the answer he's giving me to get me started on a newer better path. It's either going to get better or I lose my mind one.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Radorix567 said:


> I think aside from the obvious one of the things that is really messing my mind up is I was just in an almost identical situation a few years back when I was getting divorced. You would have thought I would have learned the signs from that one but I did not.
> 
> Only things that made that one different was that I still had my apartment and had a good paying job. Which as my luck has it also laid me off a few months after my divorce got started. So this is almost like living through that again only with kids involved.
> 
> Trust me I have been praying and praying to God to help me through all this for months now. I just don't ever seem to get any any answers or while it seems kind of messed up this is the answer he's giving me to get me started on a newer better path. It's either going to get better or I lose my mind one.


hey brother your not alone....
I went thru this at least 3 times...
sometimes God has to allow us to keep going thru things until
we finally get it.

When you pray brother you have to believe that... 
God IS going to help you...

the bible says: whatever a man thinks in his heart that shall he also be

in other words if you THINK God won't help you, then he won't

He hears you man, trust me he does
you just gotta have a little faith

I just said some prayers for you on this end man
help is on the way brother, you just gotta believe it is

p.s. if a church tells you they won't help you unless your a member
don't worry about it, that's not a real church anyway.
any place that calls itself a church and turns away somebody in need
is not a place that God hangs out at anyway...just move to the next one on the list


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

Merry Christmas to everyone on the board.

Been a touch couple of days. My girlfriend and I have been getting along pretty good. Despite her communication with the other guy on gmail. Last night we were laying in bed watching a movie and she said "you know were broke up already,right?" I replied with "no but my concern and my goal right now is just getting out of here so you and I can both go on with our lives" I didn't want to mention that I knew she was already going on with her. So it's a sad day and I'm just holing up in the bedroom. I wanted to go to my parents house for Christmas but my mom said they were going to go spend Christmas with friends.

On another note. One of the places I called said they might be able to help. They said to get a price of a place and they will see what they can do to help. I haven't got much time to act on it as the committee meets on January 2nd to approve requests then will be another month before they do so again.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Radorix567 said:


> Merry Christmas to everyone on the board.
> 
> Been a touch couple of days. My girlfriend and I have been getting along pretty good. Despite her communication with the other guy on gmail. Last night we were laying in bed watching a movie and she said "you know were broke up already,right?" I replied with "no but my concern and my goal right now is just getting out of here so you and I can both go on with our lives" I didn't want to mention that I knew she was already going on with her. So it's a sad day and I'm just holing up in the bedroom. I wanted to go to my parents house for Christmas but my mom said they were going to go spend Christmas with friends.
> 
> On another note. One of the places I called said they might be able to help. They said to get a price of a place and they will see what they can do to help. I haven't got much time to act on it as the committee meets on January 2nd to approve requests then will be another month before they do so again.


Merry Christmas My Friend!

Glad to hear that things are looking up for you 
on the place to stay

SEE???? 

I told you there was someone out there waiting to help you? :smthumbup:

do whatever you have to do to move on this right away...
worry about the girl later

use wisdom and proceed with caution on the place to stay...
Don't put all your eggs in one basket brother
It's always good to have too many places to stay
than none at all

I've learned from experience that it's always good to have a
a back up plan in case something falls thru...

God Bless you man, still praying for you!!! ray:

hang in there :smthumbup:


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Suffering from hormonal turbulence, being bipolar or having depression is not an excuse to treat others like that or to do morally wrong stuffs.

I did not understand well if you guys are separated now and/or if you still intend to be with her, but maybe you are not in love with her, but rather dependent of her? Dependent people with lack of self esteem can't break away from negative, draining relationships, even if they are not valued and constantly used and abused.

She has cheated on you emotionally, if not physically already. She knows that you were cheated before and that cheating hurts you deeply, but still does it. She also disregards for your emotional well being or stability by often wanting to break up then makeup over and over again. She does not really seem to love you at all.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

DedicatedDad said:


> Merry Christmas My Friend!
> 
> Glad to here that things are looking up for you...
> 
> ...


I'm going tomorrow morning to talk to a couple of places around that are low income based housing to get the pricing to turn in to the assistance committee. I would really like to be out of here as quick as possible and trying to make the moves to make that happen. The sooner I'm out of here the sooner I can start healing and take a break from all this and try to figure myself out and heal. After I'm gone I'm going to do nothing but focus on work,friends,gym and the kickboxing class I take. 

Thank you for all your prayers. I'm trying to put faith in God (never been the most religious person) that he will help me get through this. One of the church's I contacted said they will even help out with counseling and I'm really highly considering taking them up on the offer.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> Suffering from hormonal turbulence, being bipolar or having depression is not an excuse to treat others like that or to do morally wrong stuffs.
> 
> I did not understand well if you guys are separated now and/or if you still intend to be with her, but maybe you are not in love with her, but rather dependent of her? Dependent people with lack of self esteem can't break away from negative, draining relationships, even if they are not valued and constantly used and abused.
> 
> She has cheated on you emotionally, if not physically already. She knows that you were cheated before and that cheating hurts you deeply, but still does it. She also disregards for your emotional well being or stability by often wanting to break up then makeup over and over again. She does not really seem to love you at all.


I agree it's not an excuse at all. More so when (don't know for sure) I would think the person affected would have an idea that something is not right with them and would at least want to investigate just to see if this is a possibility and take action to fix the problem. 

It has been emotionally. I know that much without question. The other guy is trying to get her to come over today because he's spending the holidays alone. She has never seen him outside of a mutual friend's house and one time during lunch at her job she met up with him. He wants her to come over today because he's alone for the holidays. Whether or not she will is a different story. I'm not going to play babysitter for her so she can go see him. 

She says were broke up but I have no idea. She still carries on fairly normal with wanting to have sex with me and act like were together in public. Yesterday we were at a family function and she was still calling me her boyfriend. After I leave I do not intend to be with her. I would love for this to work out but it's not going too. My plans are to leave here and cease communication. She wants to be friends after this but I don't think I can do that. I think I need time away from her in order to move past. It's going to hurt badly but I see it as something that is going to have to be done. 

The girls still want me in their lives and that one is a situation I don't know how to handle just yet. On one hand I still want to be involved with them because we've been close since the day we met but on the other hand I think it may be bet they forget about me. As they have said they don't want anymore men coming in and out of their lives. Their father abandoned them when the oldest was 6 and she says of all the men that have come and gone over the years I'm the first that's actually seemed like a father to them.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Radorix567 said:


> I agree it's not an excuse at all. More so when (don't know for sure) I would think the person affected would have an idea that something is not right with them and would at least want to investigate just to see if this is a possibility and take action to fix the problem.
> 
> It has been emotionally. I know that much without question. The other guy is trying to get her to come over today because he's spending the holidays alone. She has never seen him outside of a mutual friend's house and one time during lunch at her job she met up with him. He wants her to come over today because he's alone for the holidays. Whether or not she will is a different story. I'm not going to play babysitter for her so she can go see him.
> 
> ...


It's good that you have decided what to do, the difficult part os to follow through but you must not give in, since situations like this hardly ever improves in the long term. She might sense that you are really going away, and whether she has some feelings for you (which she doesn't seem to) or just for the sake of manipulation and not tolerating anyone leaving her, she might act up and make things seems like going better and changed, but by time it would probably be the same again.
It's better to detach from this kind of people who are just using you and draining you, since she's just having you around to have some kind of bf while she is not really into being a gf or a partner for you. And it's unfair to tell you that you aren't bf and gf yet do all those bf gf stuffs. It's unfair for you, as she should know that it's selfish to do this to someone who desires a commitment.

It's sad that her daughters has to deal with this over and over again, maybe you can tell them that things between their mom and you can't really work out even if you tried, so that it's better for both to find someone else with whom you can truly be happy. It might be better for kids to learn that it's ok to separate due to lack of compatibility and find someone else for the sake of happiness, than staying with someone with whom both are unhappy.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

it's equally as difficult to hold myself together knowing she's going to sleep with the other guy soon. She is planning to go to her mom's here shortly then to go see the other guy. He has told her again today that he's free for her to come over if she wants too. 

I don't really think she cares that I'm going. I think she just wants me gone as soon as possible. As hard as it is I'm just trying to keep the peace here and leave on as good a note as possible. Which probably isn't going to be a good one at all. 

I've talked to the girls about all this and it's just something they are used to unfortunately. While I know for a fact that she's been dragging me into the ground to them I've been trying to be the bigger person in it and keep from dogging their mother to them. I've told them basically what you just said that me and her aren't compatible. Although in the back of my head I had to really strain to keep from saying "look your mother is trying to get another relationship going behind my back. I know you've mentioned that it's just going to be you 3 for awhile but that's not going to happen"

The thing with the other guy is has the one thing she thinks is more important than honesty,steadiness,supportive and faithfulness....intelligence. He's a very smart guy I will give him that. I know him somewhat and he always appeared to be a very nice guy. I know now what kind of (and hesitant to use the word) man he really is. He has blatantly told her in emails that he is prone to cheat,occasional drug use and wants sex from her. He tells her all the things she wants to hear right now but from what I have been able to tell that's all it is. He just got out of a 4 year relationship himself so they are both rebounding in my opinion and as he has stated repeatedly he hasn't had sex in quite awhile now.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

So this is not going to be pretty tonight. She left the youngest daughter here with me took the oldest to her mom's with her where apparently she is meeting the other guy at. That's right. She's meeting him over at her mom's with her daughter. So apparently her oldest (14 years) knows about all this as well. This is just jacked up. So I'm getting ready to take the youngest over there as well. Not going to start a scene or anything just going to go over there and say hey I'm going to see a friend so I'm dropping her off from there. That will wreck the rest of her time with the other guy anticipating an argument that I am not going to have with her.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

I did it. I took the youngest over there. We got there and her car was in the drive. We went to the door. Knocked. No answer. Called both her oldest and my girlfriend's mom. Got no answer. We turned around and left. 3 hours later the youngest is asking "when is my mom coming home? I'm getting worried." I replied with "soon" and I text both her oldest and their grandmother. Still no answer. So I drive back over there and still it's her car in the drive. At that point in time their grandmother (girlfriend's mom) texts me back and says "I'm not feeling well so went to see if we could find a pharmacy open" I knew that was a lie but went with it. As I'm leaving to go back to the house who comes pulling up in the drive? My girlfriend and the other guy. I had the youngest with me (and she did not spot them) so I did not make a scene. My girlfriend gets back to the house about 20 minutes later mad. 

Girlfriend: you made a scene and humiliated me tonight

Me:How did I cause a scene?

Girlfriend: You made ---- worry when it was not needed

Me: Go ask her if I made her worry tonight. Go ask her if she got worried when you were gone so long. Go ask her how I reacted to the whole mess.

So she did. Her youngest told her that I was calm and reassuring the whole timeMy girlfriend said "well you shouldn't have called so much" I pulled out my cell phone and showed her the call log. One call to her mom and one call to her daughter. Both 4 hours earlier in the night. 

Girlfriend: Mom said you were pounding on the doors and calling constantly

Me : Not at all

Girlfriend: Mom is being overdramatic again
Me: How would she know when you all were at the pharmacy

Girlfriend: That was just before I came home.

Me: Shouldn’t I be the one who’s mad?

Girlfriend: No. What would you have to be mad about?

Me: One I was left to babysit with no consideration if I wanted to get out or not. Then not only was I left to babysit but I find out that you went behind my back and seen -----.

Girlfriend: I was at mom’s and he was online and we was both bored so we decided to hang out. I said I would never cheat on you while we were together and I have not. All we did was drive around talk and he showed me some of his art work. I’m a big girl I can handle myself around guys who want to have sex with me. All of my guy friends want to have sex with me at some point or another. I had a really good night and I was going to tell you about it when I got home. I got out of the house. I got to talk about art with someone . I got to meet his 3 roommates. 

(I didn’t bother to mention that I knew she was lying to me that she had already planned all this out.)

Me: Was kind of hard to be at the pharmacy just before you came back when less than 30 minutes ago you just got out of the car with -----,isn’t it?

Girlfriend: …..

Me: I love the girls but when you leave them here with me to babysit what you are doing out there does become my business. I will not watch them so you can sneak around.
Girlfriend: I didn’t sneak around! I was going to tell you. 

That was basically the whole conversation. I just gave up arguing with this woman and went and watched Bollywood movies till about 3am. I do know that nothing happened between them. He emailed her saying he had a blast and was surprised he managed to behave himself. She emailed him back with that she must be losing her touch since he was able to control himself around her and that she was looking forward to hanging out more. So today she is at work and they are surely talking each other’s ears off. Her and I used to talk on gmail chat all day since I’m always signed into it and she has yet to go on away status which normally happens a lot.

Whole thing confirms to me that I cannot trust her mom or her oldest daughter when as far as I'm concerned they are endorsing this behavior. Making more phone calls today to try to get out of here even quicker.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

So she even used you to baby sit her daughter while she is cheating on you... it's really good that you have made up your mind, and how you acted calm in that night for the sake of the little girl. Too bad that she has to deal with such a mom...


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> So she even used you to baby sit her daughter while she is cheating on you... it's really good that you have made up your mind, and how you acted calm in that night for the sake of the little girl. Too bad that she has to deal with such a mom...


It was not easy. I wanted soooo badly to stop the car and get out and beat the living crap out the guy. That's not a memory of me that I want them to have. I was quite frankly outraged that she used me like that. I love the girls but I am not going to be used in that fashion.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

Well it came out today. She told me what I already knew about the other guy. I've been dumb and checking her email today and there is a long email conversation that is actually still going on while she's at work about how badly they wanted each other last night. Then we got to talking and she mentioned that I seemed a little off today. I told her I was having a hard time dealing with her sneaking off to see another guy and she started telling me that initially she was only attracted to him intellectually but now she is attracted physically as well and that they have a strong amount of chemistry between them. She said that right now she is keeping it strictly as friends but she will hang out with him again to further explore things there. So yah only thing I take out of it is that when she is in a relationship she doesn't want and there is this guy that she is interested in it's only a matter of time. It's a really rough thing to deal with and trying to stay focused on what I need to do but it's really hard to do so.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

I might not feel your pain, but it does feel like a very hard situation to deal with. Good thing is, after getting out of this mess, her mess is for that other man to deal with and you will find better happiness. Let the other man deal with her mess. And let her have her own mess.


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## Radorix567 (Dec 21, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> I might not feel your pain, but it does feel like a very hard situation to deal with. Good thing is, after getting out of this mess, her mess is for that other man to deal with and you will find better happiness. Let the other man deal with her mess. And let her have her own mess.


It really truly is. I'm trying the best I can but the harder I try to carry on the worse everything seems to get. I'm trying to get to a point of just setting all the crap to the side and focus on me and only me. That is a lot easier said than done.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

having been there, some time the things with the best reward are the hardest to acheive. So set aside this women and focus on you...the reward will be amazing.....

Remember, its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts.

Until you have the strength to distance your self from her you will struggle...granted you are doing well by staying calm but the fact that you are still engaging her is bad.

You have access to what she is planning and yet you excepted the younger daughter when you could have told your chick you had plans. I think you need to be a *few* more step ahead of her to counter the bull crap that is coming your way.

It might be best to totaly disengage and start showing her the indiffernce she diserves.

Plan ahead and work the plan.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Radorix567 said:


> It really truly is. I'm trying the best I can but the harder I try to carry on the worse everything seems to get. I'm trying to get to a point of just setting all the crap to the side and focus on me and only me. That is a lot easier said than done.


Like I said before brother...

I've been where you're at, forget about the girl...
You're wasting too much time reacting to her selfishness

It's pretty clear what's going on with her.
She could care less about you. 

She just wants you out of there.

Use the resources you have available to you right now 
while you still have a roof over your head.

Once you're on the streets, everything changes.

You need to focus on getting out of there and landing with some solid ground underneath your feet so you can start to rebuild. You have to shut out all the noise around you and think about you right now. 

You might have to deal with some uncomfortable situations until you get out of there, 
but just suck it up and deal with it until the time comes for you to move on.

Good Luck


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