# What to Expect from Marriage Counselor



## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

In the past, my wife have attended numerous retreats and worked with pastoral couselors. Because she suffers from depression, anxiety, insecurities and personality disorders, she has agreed to attend sessions with a licensed marriage couselor. My question is, what should I expect?

Basically, my wife feels that our issues are because she isn't made to feel like she would want to feel. She admits that she is only a responder. In other words, she doesn't say 'I love you' or even treat me favorably unless she is treated well. For me, that's the rub. I have always 'owned' the relationship and cannot continue like this. We've been married for 22 years and I'm running on empty.

Normally, I'm very optimistic. I make sure whe have time together, plan suprises and the weekend away. I've told her that we will have no hope unless she can begin to initiate in some instances, occasionally be happy, etc.

Will a good counselor let her know that she owns the responsibility for contributing to the relationship?

I love her and would like to have a future together, but don't really feel that I've gotten much emotionally from the relationship. I would love to work with a couselor to find ways for me to improve in relating and making her feel secure, but our biggest problem from her perspective is that she considers her actions completely normal. According to her, the husband is the initiator of intimacy, friendliness, happiness, etc.

Should mention that although this might sound callous, my income has been cut to barely six figure during the downturn. I've told her that when it returns next year, if we cannot work things out, we should divorce. then, I would be able to take care of college expenses for our children.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, I wouldn't be making any divorce comments right now. 

When my wife and I went to the marriage counselor, her admonistion was that unless we were working on saving the marriage, not thinking of "what if it didn't work", it wouldn't work.

Expect a good counselor to provide a neutral setting where the discussion can be guided and everyone's issues are heard and discussed.

Also be prepared to hear things that you may be at fault, things that you may feel are unimportant but your wife feels are. You have to be able to understand this and be prepared for changes.

And the same goes for your wife.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> First, I wouldn't be making any divorce comments right now.


Your comments are much appreciated. I didn't mention this, but in the early years of her struggle with depression, she often said that I shouldn't blame her if she was forced to find emotional support elsewhere (another man). Then, she used separation/divorce as a threat. Lately, it's been more like we'll just be unhappy forever. 

This was the first time for me, but I felt that she needed to understand that inaction is not an option. 

It has been a while since she was suicidal, but she still displays the traits of borderline personality disorder. In other words, she is deeply resentful of both myself and our son, but doesn't really know why. She says that her mind tells her evil things.


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