# My wife has a male "best friend"



## lostinlove000 (Sep 8, 2010)

Hello, kind of a difficult situation to condense but I'll do my best. We have been married for 28 years, have 2 college age kids (in college), a beautiful home & I work as a successful medical service provider. My wife has never worked outside of the home "for the kids". It all started 2 years ago with a rather traumatic break in, along with all of her jewelry a number of very sentimental things were stolen. We later found who did it & managed to get him 4 years in prison (we knew the teen). Through the drama afterward (really messy because we knew the family) my wife suffered a nervous breakdown. Our whole family banded together to help her, she saw a psychiatrist and slowly came out of it when her father died. They were quite close & she tumbled into another depression. As all of this was going on, she found a new group of people we both became friendly with. It is a kind of gathering place house where every day there can be a number of people hanging out, playing cards, shooting horseshoes, drinking, etc. Unfortunately these people are mostly unemployed, hard drinking men. The owner of the home and my wife have become close friends and while I am in this group - it is not by my choice! With my professional stature & income - I have little in common with this group of unemployed deadbeats. I hang out & maintain a presence because of my wife's involvement with the "ringleader" there. She swears up & down that nothing sexual is going on & our sex life, while not steady has some really great moments. I feel this jerk is an opportunistic creep who is just waiting for an opportunity to pounce on my wife. He has no other female interests and while I don't feel she is sexually cheating - I DO feel she is emotionally cheating. They talk every day on the phone, she spends up to 10 or so hours a day there while I'm at work or at the gym & it is slowly pushing not only me out of the picture - the children are distancing themselves from her. SHe still claims that he is only a friend & that I'm trying to control her - I just want her to keep the relationship within my comfort zone. She is away comforting a grieving sister right now & I have drawn a personal line for myself when she gets back to make some kind of stand which may end up in us splitting up. I can't live this way, any insights from any of you? I would really appreciate a female perspective. Thanks for reading!


----------



## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I'm sure this guy is hoping that you'll have a fight with your wife so he can step right in. I would do some monitoring on how your wife behaves with this guy when you are not around. Try getting a friend of yours (that she does not know) to hang out at this place, or at leasthave someone tail her. Check out here phone records as well as text messages if you can. The amount of time she hangs out with this guy is excessive in my opinion. She is having at the very least, an emotional affair with this guy. Would she be ok with you hanging out with a single women for 10 hours a day? Even if this guy does turn out to be "just a friend" She needs to respect your wishes and what makes you comfortable. You are her husband, and you should come first in her life, not some friend. If something is not happening with these two right now (a possibility), I can almost guarrentee that they will be in the future if this does not change. Too much temptation there.


----------



## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

maybe you should suggest your wife get a part time job or volunteer some where.

here is my take on this... she may not have any motives and just looking for a friend, he on the other hand i am betting is not the case and yes looking for the window if you give it he will climb right in and not be the bad guy you will.

you are married... any anything that makes you uncomfortable you have the right to disagree with and she should respect your feelings and find new female friends. maybe a couples bowling legue or something you two can do together.

when she gets back you do need to talk.... and she will have to make a choice.

I hope works out for you. but put your foot down i am betting if other way around there would be no explaining to her how your just friends with a girl same story...


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Hire a PI. He'll know what to do.


----------



## stillalive (Sep 9, 2010)

My advise is to tell her not to see this man anymore, I was in a similar situation, only my husband hid his relationship with his "special friend" for 6 months. I found out by accident one day when she called him and I overheard them talking. I told him at once to never speak to her again and made him decide if he wants to work on our marriage or not. My mother had just died (similar to your wife's loss) and I was so devastated that he spent so much time with this other woman. That was 3 months ago and I am still angry over the secret he kept. I am not sure why your wife suffered a breakdown, but I think you need to take her away and spend time just the two of you and get her to open up to you. Women tend to think and expect too much.


----------



## lostinlove000 (Sep 8, 2010)

Wow, thanks for your replys. All of you have really confirmed feelings I've had. A caveat to the prelude is that when all of this started with this "guy", I predicted to her that the handwriting was on the wall & that we were headed for doom. She swore her undying faith & love in me & I relented, watchfully waiting. Sure enough things slowly deteriorated & late last year she started pushing for a divorce. With all of the psychological duress she was under - I couldn't bring myself to dump my life partner in what I perceived to be her moment of need & we worked our way back into an amicable situation. Things aren't quite right yet but we seem to be rebuilding. I know if I put my foot down during this whole mess she would have blown her top & we would have split. I am looking toward her return at the end of the month to have some sort of closure on this situation. It still may end in divorce if she doesn't at least compromise with me (I'm not unreasonable) but both I and our children will know that we supported her until she was in a better place to make a choice. Unfortunately our kids are old enough to be aware & a divorce may sadly hurt her relationship with them as they've seen what she's put me through. Thank you again & if anyone else wants to comment I'll appreciate it!


----------



## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Why in the world is she NOT working, if your kids are in college? A little late to be a SAHM...when the kids have left the nest. She needs to be doing SOMETHING for developing self-worth, IMO.

Best of luck,

DailyGrind


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I would (1) visit this guy by yourself and tell him that you are going to be taking steps to separate them as WELL as to keep an eye on him - in other words, scare the crap out of him; and (2) become more involved in her life and see if you can steer her toward at least volunteering somewhere - but don't make it look like you're doing it to pull her away from him, she won't buy it.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Look, do not let your wife's issues prevent you from doing what needed to be done in the beginning.

She is having an emotional affair, and you are way overdue to stop it.

It is ALWAYS these same issues, the secrecy, the denial, the accusations that you are "too paranoid" or "too controlling". These are merely indicators of an affair, do NOT regard them as anything else, and certainly never take advice from your spouse if he/she is caught up in the addiction of an affair, the lies are ceaseless and are simply to buy themselves time and opportunity to pursue their shenanigans. Don't buy it!

So all this talk about being reasonable, and such, surely you are a reasonable man, this is evident in your posts and your desire to do the right thing for your family and your marriage and your wife. 

But do not fool yourself, being "reasonable" in an affair situation, it is just lipstick on a pig, the ugly pig of enabling your wife's affair!

Your woman is NOT going to respond to reason and logic and touchy feeling stuff when she is in the emotionan high and fog and addiction of an EA.

Stopping an EA is this, and ALWAYS this, an emotional ice cold bucket of water over the head of the wayward spouse. 

Do not fool yourself to think that this or that medical condition or fragile state or anything else is some excuse to let your woman act in self destructive manners, and all affairs are self destructive and that is just a fact.

So stop the nonsense, stand up for yourself and your marriage, today.

No more contact with this affair man at the halfway house. (Does this even need to be typed?)

You yourself, do not even demean yourself to need to go to this halfway house to be around this affair man. Lead by example, do NOT follow your woman around in her own shenanigans, that is making you look very weak in her eyes.

Set up your own plan to fix the marriage, schedule your own marriage counciling and insist your wife goes as well. If she does not go, do not hesitate to tell your own family (include the children only if grown), your wife's friends and family, and everyone that will listen about what your wife is doing and that you would ask for their help to save your marriage.

You will be surprised to see how many allies you will gain if you do this, as most reasonable and loving people in your family, those that love and care about your wife, will be rolling up their sleeves ready to help!

And if your wife continues to be unreasonable, then explain to her you will document her unreasonableness to your lawyer. And be prepared to act on this, as not a threat but the matter of fact truth.

Again, the ice cold bucket of water is the cure for these affair addictions!

So in all this fight hard. Yes I am saying fight really hard! 

Drop the touchy feeling talk and draw your hard line in the sand, and do not waste any more time that you do not have to save your marriage.

I wish you well.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Follow the advice given; there is no time like the present to tackle the problem.

If she does not stop be prepared to fight for your marriage or as bigbadwolf suggests speak to a lawyer. 

Either way talk to her now then post for further guidance. She can say many things the only answer is she stops all contact with him immediately. If she agrees to this you still keep a close eye on her as these things can and do go underground. If she does not stop there are some hard documented steps to follow to break the affair. 

Be ready for the worst.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I agree with the other posters on this one. This friendship is too close for comfort. This says a lot since one of my best friends is of the opposite sex. In 30 years our friendship has never been sexual. I just don't see your wife's relationship with the OS friend going this way.


----------

