# Is my husband a pathological liar?



## Havers (Aug 1, 2012)

I may be the most naive wife out there, but I want to believe the best in the man I married. It all started before we got married...
Clue #1: I find out from his aunt (via wedding invitation RSVP) that he owes $3000 for a van he wrecked as a teenager and never paid for. When I confronted him, he admits to be embarrassed by the situation and didn't want me to think badly of him. We paid off the debt immediately and I dropped the issue. After all, we all did stupid things as a teenager.
Clue #2: Three years into our marriage, he goes back home to help take care of his sick mother for a few weeks. I find out from his sister that he's been hanging out with an old high school girlfriend during the evenings back home. I ask him about it, and he says she's just a friend and they only hang out with other friends around at the local bar. I snoop through his cellphone and email accounts and find several flirty texts and emails. He even lists this girl's name in his phone with just a letter, I'm assuming so that I won't know who the sender is. He also has created usernames with 2 different singles dating sites. When I confront him, he freaks out, becoming defensive and calls me immature and a drama queen. His sister backs up his story that when she sees him with the old friend, they are with a group of friends. My husband completely denies ever signing up with the dating sites. The more I push the evidence, the more angry he becomes. I drop the issue like a coward.
Clue#3: My husband starts smoking again, but when I ask him why his breath smells (and tastes) like cigarette smoke, he says the guys he works with smoke in his presence. I snoop through his truck and find receipts for smokes, as well as wrappers. When I confront him, I insist that it doesn't matter to me that he smokes, I just want him to be honest with me about it. He denies it all, getting upset that I keep bringing it up.
Clue #4: Last week, I find he has been to a sex chat site, listing himself as single and looking for a woman to dominate him. We have role played before, but the last year our sex life as dwindled to almost nothing. I try to encourage communication and romance, but he says he's stressed from work and not amorous anymore. I am heartbroken. He's never mean or rude to me, but I can't help but feel like if I confront him again, he'll just lie to me again. He work hours are awful, and I don't think he'll agree to counseling. I'm at the point where I think I'm afraid to suggest it and confront him again. He would never hit me, but I hate being yelled at, and I'm terrified he'll leave. I have decided to create a username on this same site and message him to see if he'd go further than just signing up to look at pictures. Maybe it's entrapment, but I need to see if he's really cheating.

How do I find a better way to communicate with him? Maybe he lies to me because he doesn't trust that I will react rationally?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

He lies to you because he has secrets he doesn't want you to find out about.

Whether the lying is "pathological" or just plain "lying" is irrelevant.

You seem to be skirting the real issues here.

He's obviously being deceptive, he's hanging with an old girlfriend, her name is hidden on his phone, he's smoking, he's got one or more old debts he never shared with you, he's on the dating sites and even when you confront him he denies and he yells at you (even though you say he isn't rude)

He doesn't give you sex because he'd rather to hook up with internet strangers for sex. 

You are staying with this man exactly why?

About the creating a username on the dating site.. if he doesn't respond it proves nothing, if he does respond it won't tell you anything you don't already know, he's not on the dating sites just because he likes to create profiles he's never going to use.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This guy has a history of lying. He sounds a bit like a pathological liar. Lying for absolutely no reason at all , just to make himself look good.
Seems as if he has gone so far,that hes has deluded himself , so that intimacy is a problem.
People like that need professional help.
Sometimes they can't differentiate fact from fantasy.
That may be the reason he signed up on those dating sites.
Also telling , is the fact that he signed up as being single , and he wanted to be dominated by a complete stranger.
He is in the deep end of things.....
He needs professional help.
Maybe you signing up to catch him is a good thing.


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## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Without question you are headed for trouble. The sooner you deal with it the easier it will be.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Interesting. My WS told me he quit smoking, but had been doing it at work. He told me he smelled cause others at work smoked. This was years ago. He runs now, so no smoking. Still, a first sign of things to come. Yep, my WS is a liar.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Dishonesty in any relationship is not a good thing, let alone a marriage. It destroys trust and that is hard to rebuild.
What he is doing is wrong, and making you think you are 'irrational' is all part of his cover up/manipulation.
It's hard to deal with someone who lies, purely because they are a liar and you cannot believe half of what they say, evenb when confronted with evidence.
The only advice I can give is know you are right to feel bothered by his deception and stand your ground, don't let him make you think you are the one with the problem.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

How do you communicate with him? There is no better way to communicate with him. He's trying to maintain a position of advantage over you. That's what the lying is about.

The lack of sex and the dating sites, IMO, are almost a dead certainty that he's cheating on you. 

I encourage to read the works of Dr. George Simon, about manipulators and why they do the things they do. You need to understand that your husband has serious character issues (or in Simon's words "a character disturbance.") So he doesn't operate by the same moral playbook that you do. His point of reference is about HIM. You aren't wired this way, you think he wants the same things you do. (To have a good marriage, to communicate, to solve problems, be fair, etc.) He doesn't. He wants a position of advantage.

Read this interview with Simon on infidelity. 
An interview with Dr. George Simon on “Character Disturbance”


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## Havers (Aug 1, 2012)

Thank you for this response. After reading more about "Character Disturbance" I see more and more of these attributes in my husband. I'm not ready to give up the fight yet--I guess I need to learn how to play by different rules.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Why are you so keen to stay with a man who lies to you and has online ads? Hon, you only get to control YOU. You can't make him be faithful or truthful. All you can do is determine your worth, and create boundaries (no disrespect, no ads, etc.) and then enforce those boundaries with consequences (you'll leave, lawyer up, etc.)

I know it's hard. Very, very hard. But you matter. And you deserve a partner who is good to you consistently, faithfully. 

In my experience character disturbed people don't want to change, they like the benefits too much. In that interview Simon says you have to change the game and push those boundaries HARDER. Good luck.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Havers said:


> Thank you for this response. After reading more about "Character Disturbance" I see more and more of these attributes in my husband. I'm not ready to give up the fight yet--I guess I need to learn how to play by different rules.


What rules are you going to play by?

Husband does whatever he wants, he lies about it and you go along with it even if it means he's dating and screwing other women?

What do you get out of this arrangement besides a better understanding of character flaws and personality disorders?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> He's never mean or rude to me


Actually, I would argue that his constant lies to you are very mean and extremely rude.


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