# Getting the story straight



## supersystem (Dec 29, 2013)

Something occurred to me last night: all I have to go on what happened is what my SO confessed her self, but I have not heard the OM's version of the "story"

My SO confessed to me what happened (one night of regretful sex with co-worker) a few years after the fact, so all trails are cold and there's is no evidence to be found.

Given that we moved away from where OM lives years ago, I could send the OM a Facebook message from a throw-away account asking him some details of his and my SO's past encounter(s). My SO and I are in R, and D-day was last year from her own confession. As far as I know, OM does not know me or what I look like.

I'm now thinking of writing him that I know what occurred between him and my SO a couple of years ago and that my SO confessed everything. I could take it from the angle that I'm looking for some closure on the situation and ask if he could put my mind at ease and the issue behind us by answering some questions. Below is a draft message I want to send. Please help me out.

"Hello (POSOM),

You don't know me, but our paths crossed (#) years ago through (SO). Not long ago she confessed everything to me about what you and her did while her and I were in a relationship. She hid this from me for (#) years, which I consider as grotesque manipulation on her part since all of my life decisions were based on her lies. 

My purpose for contacting you is to get some closure and put this all behind me. All I am asking of you is to help me get the story straight by answering a few questions to verify (SO) story as true, so that I can make difficult decisions based on the truth. I ask you to not contact her regarding this. My questions are as follows:


1. Briefly, what kind of relationship did you have with (SO) (physical/romantic, duration)
2. Approximately how many times and how frequently did you sleep together?
3. Approximately when was the last time you had any form of contact with her?

I appreciate your honest response.

(supersystem alias)"


What do you all think?




What do you all think?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't know about other folks and my fellow TAM members, but I just can't name the situation "ONS" where both parties know each other.

ONS, when said upon confrontation or in defense, usually implies that "it was just a random person whom you will very likely NOT see or hear from again, so it should make the random banging somewhat less destructive".

Sleeping with a coworker, according to my self-educated guess, will most probably NOT remain as a one night ordeal.

Just my 0.0000002 dollars, which can be totally ignored of course.


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## supersystem (Dec 29, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> I don't know about other folks and my fellow TAM members, but I just can't name the situation "ONS" where both parties know each other.
> 
> ONS, when said upon confrontation or in defense, usually implies that "it was just a random person whom you will very likely NOT see or hear from again, so it should make the random banging somewhat less destructive".
> 
> ...


I've edited the OP from ONS to one night of regretful sex. I do think that is a more accurate description.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

The other side of the story. You want closure, you want to hear his side, maybe for peace of mind.????.

Do you want to know if your OH has been honest about the affair she has had with this man.

If you feel that this is what you need to do, then do it, but will it change anything???. Shes had an affair, you have decided to move on, will this help or hinder your relationship??.

Is it going to help dredging it all up again?. Of course if you feel you need to do this, like i say do it, as long as its what you really want to do.

Your OH and told you what happened, you will have to learn to trust what she says, this is the thing when there has been infidelity in a relationship, the trust goes.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

supersystem said:


> I've edited the OP from ONS to one night of regretful sex. I do think that is a more accurate description.


Well from where I stand, doesn't change anything. The point is "one time" and "coworker".

But let's wait to hear what others have to say.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I agree. A ONS would be between strangers or two people who didn't know each other very well. A workplace affair would definitely contain much more. I would guess a lot of flirting, an EA, and probably more than one sexual encounter.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I've thought occasionally about writing my wife's friend for his side of the story as well. But I doubt I'd get any truth from him. 

And the first thing he will do is contact her to see what he should say, to get the story straight. Yeah, you asked him not to contact her but he isn't exactly the most honorable dude...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I guess contacting the other man can't hurt but I wouldn't get my hopes up for getting the truth from him. In my opinion, you are just as likely if not moreso to get lies rather than the truth. Or he might try to contact your significant other to ask WTF.

How would you feel if he got back in touch with your significant other and tried to re-ignite things?

The "just one time" story is a well-documented lie on this forum. Why would she confess, but then still lie about it? Damned if I know, but it happens all the time.

"Just one time" with a long-time co-worker. Theoretically possible, but not very likely.

Your energy probably would be better spent getting her to agree to a polygraph. And go through with it. I think I've seen more truth come out from "parking lot confessions" (in the parking lot of the polygraph examiner's office) than from contacting the other man.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Instead of contacting the OM you need to schedule a polygraph for your WW.

Then after you get the poly results and the full truth you then must contact the OMW.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would guess the odds you'll get the truth from him is pretty slim. He has no reason to tell you the truth, his loyalty may be to her and making her look good, he's probably rebuilt the truth in his mind... Even if he's not loyal to her because she spurned him, then you'll get a hurtful version from him.

Go ahead and send it if it will help you, but I wouldn't expect anything useful back, and you can't trust anything he says anyway. I'd guess the odds are reasonably good that he gets in touch with your wife before he replies (if he does). 

C


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Why do you think the OM will tell you the truth? 
Why wouldn't he just tell you a version that was easiest to tell for him?
How would you know what to believe?
Don't you think his version would just make you have more questions?

You will not get closure from this. You will put the stories together and it will gnaw at you. You either need to let it go or let it eat at you.

I am sorry you are here brother.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You expect honesty from this guy? Why? 
At best you'll get half-truths - his view only; at worst you'll fluff up his ego - the betrayed SO, begging for info from the stud. 

Don't go there. 

Instead of asking him ask her to verify through a polygraph.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

I do not think anything good would come from contacting the OM. Most likely he would not even answer you. 

I am in a similar situation, my wife confessed to a one time sexual encounter. To me it was an EA/PA, she calls it a ONS. Technically it seems to meet the wiki definition of ONS. I would not even know about it had she not confessed. Since she confessed, what reason does she have to lie? You will probably never find out any more than she is telling you.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You expect honesty from this guy? Why?
> *At best you'll get half-truths - his view only; at worst you'll fluff up his ego - the betrayed SO, begging for info from the stud.
> 
> Don't go there. *
> ...


I agree with this. Don't let POSOM think he has some kind of "upper hand" in the form of information that you need. As a POS he deserves to be flushed and never seen or heard from again. As others have said, it's highly doubtful that he has a "side" of the story that he will honestly share anyway.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't see anything good coming from it. No doubt he will try to contact her and come up with a story and you'll be back to square one. Not worth the time. 

Also I don't think he will reply to you. He knows he caused damage and doesn't want to put his neck on the chopping block.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Since she confessed, what reason does she have to lie?.


In general, the WS is torn. They’re a good enough person to at least feel guilty but don't want to hurt their BS with the information. I think the WS triggers when their spouse is nice to them or there is a good family moment.

They confess to make themselves feel better but hold back some details to spare their BS. In their mind the important thing is that they admitted the betrayal so they can stop triggering. Adding details does nothing but hurt the BS and give them more to answer to.




johnAdams said:


> You will probably never find out any more than she is telling you.


:iagree:


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

If you tell two people the exact same story, then ask them to retell the story, you will get varying versions, let alone a situation as volatile as this. Both parties have a vested interest, so I don't think either would be 100% true, that is just human nature. The fact that she was unfaithful is the main point and the fact that she voluntarily confessed, would make me more apt to believe her than some POSOM that I don't know. Naturally, you could do a poly as some have suggested, but I think that in the long run you would be better served by getting into counseling and see if you can't heal this relationship.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

johnAdams said:


> I do not think anything good would come from contacting the OM. Most likely he would not even answer you.
> 
> I am in a similar situation, my wife confessed to a one time sexual encounter. To me it was an EA/PA, she calls it a ONS. Technically it seems to meet the wiki definition of ONS. I would not even know about it had she not confessed.* Since she confessed, what reason does she have to lie? * You will probably never find out any more than she is telling you.



Probably because it's easier for the BS to handle a "ONS" then a prolong intense affair. A ONS can easily be dismissed as a mistake, whereas an ongoing affair can't be.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You can try to ask the OM but if you do, you need to keep your questions open-ended. Dont include too much detail. For example, if in your letter you mention ONS or a one-time deal, the OM may attach to that and wont tell you more.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, keep it simple " that chick you slept with in {year} was with me at the time, I want to compare your story with hers...so what really happened?"


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Why do you think the OM will tell you the truth?
> Why wouldn't he just tell you a version that was easiest to tell for him?
> How would you know what to believe?
> Don't you think his version would just make you have more questions?
> ...


:iagree: Don't waste your time

You need answers get them from your wife


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Do not let him say that it was only once.

Say my wife admitted to sleeping with you only three times, is that true or was it more.

They will all admit to only once if you let them. Make him correct you.

Do whatever helps you heal.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

supersystem,

You will get nothing from this POS.

He was willing to sleep with a married woman.

What makes you think he has any morals or sense of honor at all?

Find out if he has a BW/gf to inform and let her know.

If he does have one, he MIGHT throw your WW under the bus to save his own worthless a** and the BW might then be able to give you additional information (if your WW is hiding anything).

DO NOT tell your WW or POS you are going to do this.

If your WW freaks out after you expose, you will know she still is in contact with this dirtbag in some way and is still hiding something from you that she doesn't want you to find out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The OM doesn't owe you anything and there's no reason to think he will provide you with any information. Your WS does owe it to you and feeling you haven't gotten the whole story is part of the problem dealing with a WS. Counseling is the best road but at the end of the day if you reconcile you have to rely on the WS to tell the truth.


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## Tommy62 (Dec 29, 2013)

I have been down this road and 6 years later still do not know the truth. I figured out that cheaters lie. No matter what you hear it will never be enough. The OM is a turd to sleep with a married woman anyway so why do you expect the truth from him? For my sanity I have had to find acceptance that she will lie about it until the day she dies. This is due to her denial and not wanting to see herself as the cheater she is. I am a little bitter because the anniversary just rolled around and it all came back up again. I suggest you get therapy to help you to deal with it. Sorry that you are going through this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> You expect honesty from this guy? Why?
> At best you'll get half-truths - his view only; at worst you'll fluff up his ego - the betrayed SO, begging for info from the stud.
> 
> Don't go there.
> ...


:iagree:

What if he denies everything?

Or what if he makes up some outrageous lies about stuff he and your wife never did, just to mess with your mind?

This is not the way to handle this. You need counselling as soon as you can arrange it.


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## supersystem (Dec 29, 2013)

I was so close to messaging the POSOM yesterday. Thank you for your insights and advice TAM. I haven't made a decision to contact or not to contact yet... but I have a lot to think about now before I make a decision. 

A polygraph is not an option where we live, and it will be many many months before we visit a country that doesn't execute adulterers.

I know the integrity of this POSOM is non-existent given that he slept with my SO when he knew she was taken, I was hoping he had time to grow a conscience over the last few years and would give me an honest answer. A long shot, I know. It's probably not work the risk of him deciding to lie and screw with my head by telling out-right lies. However, I'm not worried about him contacting my SO; I have full access to all of her social media accounts, emails and phone-- and I could let the POSOM know that.

Perhaps bluffing to my SO that I contacted him and that he told me a rather different story would be a "safer" option. The issue here is that at some point I have to let her know its a bluff, and this could make her see me as deceptive.

Any other ideas besides a polygraph and counselling? We have been to counselling already, and I don't think she will admit any more than she already has if she is hiding anything.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I must agree that this is a bad idea. I do understand why you want to know the full truth, and why "moving on" is difficult and/or impossible. Several things could happen here. Either he tells you that they never had sex, had sex once, or had sex frequently. You will never know which of these is the truth. Even if he says one time, you will still wonder if he is telling the truth. 

Other than a polygraph or bluffing her, the only thing that would make her come clean is her conscience.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Poly's are worthless (IMO) and often times create more questions then they answer.

I would let the OM go. In my case I talked with the OM for about a week, as he was trying to win his wife back, and was begging me to help him. so he told me anything and everything I needed to know. It was strange, in that he was not hiding anything. But these cases are rare where the OM tells the truth.

I have tried to find the XOM from 1999 without success a few years ago when my wife cheated on me. Frankly, it is not worth it. As my wife did not stop cheating till April 2013, I do believe I got all my answers from her. Her remorse seems real. She has not hesitated to answer questions.

I tried to bluff my wife in 2012 about contacting the XOM. Joke was on me, she never ended it and they laughed about my bluff.

We go through so many scenerios in trying to get to the truth. All I can say is I being through false R, heard all the lies, I think I am now getting the truth and you can tell the difference. If you think your wife is telling you the truth, then do your best to let it go.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The OM may not believe you are who you say you are. He may worry you are a PI or maybe even his own wife pretending to be someone else. In other words, he may have good reason to not respond or to outright lie to you.

I would do the following 2 things. 
1) Assume the worst case is true. 
2) Tell your wife you are assuming this.

By assuming the worst case, which is probably something along the lines of a long term PA, you have something concrete to deal with. Right now you're wondering how bad is it? If it was just a drunken ONS you might be able to forgive it. But if it was 2 times? Or what if she said I Love You once? It is all those what-if's which confuse things and make it impossible to move forward.

Where is the deal breaker? If it wasn't a deal breaker to have sex with him once, is it a deal breaker at twice? Is the deal breaker the sex at all, or is it the lies? I think you need to really think about what is the deal breaker for you. Which does take time.

So look at the worst case and then decide if you can live with it. I think you probably need some counseling to help guide you through it. Or you can use the forums here and maybe some good books.

If you tell your wife you are assuming this worst case scenario, she knows where you are. She knows how badly she damaged the trust. She knows this isn't then just going to go away with a simple "sorry" from her. There is some chance she will reveal more facts in order to convince you it isn't the worst case, but I would not bank on her doing it, nor that it would be a full confession if she did.

The question I have is what is making you unhappy about all this? Is there something in your gut telling you there is more? Do you believe she is trickle truthing you? Is there some evidence which she has explained away which still bothers you?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

supersystem said:


> Perhaps bluffing to my SO that I contacted him and that he told me a rather different story would be a "safer" option. The issue here is that at some point I have to let her know its a bluff, and *this could make her see me as deceptive.*


Does that really matter? I would consider her adultery worst than deceptive.

Your D-day was last year. Everything should still be raw. Keep all your options open.

What happened with your wife to caused her to confess after all these years?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

My wife started with EA, just friends..

Then it was just once...

Then it was years, mornings before work, after work, during work, days off from work, sisters apartment for love nest on weekends...

Yea, don't believe one time with a coworker if you feel it was more, your gut is probably spot on.

If you contact the guy, be prepared for him to be like 'yea, I banged your wife many many times and many ways' with graphic details or something along those lines.. He's not going to coddle you. Are you prepared for that?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you told her you can not believe her that she only had sex one time with a co-worker? 

(That she would have had many interactions with him, from flirting to sex many times.) That one time means only athree year affair? 

Sometimes the lying and deception are almost as bad as the sex. Did she use protection? Has she been tested for stds? 

Talk to weightlifter about a VAR in her car.

One option is to file for divorce. Maybe when she gets the divorce papers, she will realize that you are hurting. She may even have remorse for her lies, but you could gain your freedom. Tell her you want your freedom and maybe she will set you free. 

I am sure you have already had her read how to help your spouse heal from an affair, and not just friends, etc. Glad that you are trying counseling.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

When you're in the position of having to rely on the OM to fill you in on the details; you've put yourself behind the 8 ball. Is it possible he'll tell you the truth? Yes, but the odds are long. There are too many motivations for the OM to lie. Protecting his current relationship, protecting your SO, protecting his status. Especially when you're asking him to put it in writing. I can see many more possibilities where this could make things worse, as other posters have suggested.

Another poster suggested that polygraphs are worthless. I don't agree. They may not be terribly reliable, but the "threat" of one certainly isn't worthless. If it were me, I'd ask your SO if she'd be willing to take one. If she refuses, that's your first clue that there's more to the story. Then you can rightfully assume the worst and respond accordingly.

Oh, and one other thing to consider on why your wife confessed. Perhaps she feels that there's a real possibility that you'd find out. I would try to find out what I could about the OM's wife or SO. If he has one, that's a lead worth following.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am approaching this as the cheater...because I am one. *I confessed to my husband that I had cheated shortly after I committed the offense.* Had I not told him...he would never have known. Since I confessed and did not have to...it would make absolutely no sense to me why my husband would doubt my confession. I have given him way too many details as it is. I don't see how confronting the OM would help us to heal in any way.
> 
> Your closure has nothing to do with the OM...
> You have been given some wonderful advice here.



Unfortunately OP's wife kept it a secret for many years before confessing. So, why confess now? Surely, as the years went by, she would had have gotten used to living with the lie.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am approaching this as the cheater...because I am one. I confessed to my husband that I had cheated shortly after I committed the offense. Had I not told him...he would never have known. Since I confessed and did not have to...it would make absolutely no sense to me why my husband would doubt my confession. I have given him way too many details as it is. I don't see how confronting the OM would help us to heal in any way.
> 
> Your closure has nothing to do with the OM...
> You have been given some wonderful advice here.


There is a difference between confessing right away (as in your case, MrsJA) vs. doing so years later. Since OP's W waited so long to confess (and we don't know the details of how that came about), the veracity of such a confession is almost automatically in doubt.

But I agree there is nothing for OP to gain in terms of getting the truth (closure) by contacting OM or by gamesmanship (bluffing) with his W. Assume the worst, let her know this is your assumption, and that the only way to mitigate the negative effect of this assumption is to come completely clean. If she still claims to have told the whole truth, then either believe her or decide if you can live with your assumption and the attendant conviction that she is lying (see wazza's posts for a real-life example of this).


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

My only thought in contacting the OM was to do great bodily harm to him......luckily I did not follow through.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, while a polygraph may not be possible now, you state that in coming months it may/will be.

Have her write a detailed version of the affair. Yes- that is what it was. This was not a stranger she met somewhere, but a person she had at least a working relationship with.

I'm guessing you are being trickled truthed. Her story doesn't make sense to me. I just boned my coworker once.

Get her to write a timeline. Tell her that polygraph is in her future and you will be checking her facts. Judge her response. You may well get more information than you know now.

Did she at least have the decency to get checked for STDs or did she just assume it was OK to put your health at risk?

There is also a reason for her sudden confession. Perhaps OM has tried to contact her, maybe someone else found out, OM's wife and she is afraid of exposure.

If everything checks out, I do have to give her credit for telling you. However, I would keep digging and do not rug sweep. 

Contacting OM is likely a waste. He is a scoundrel and not a trusted source of information. Besides, if they were on the verge of exposure, story setting could have taken place already as well. 

Do you have kids? If yes, plan on paternity testing as well. It is cheap, easy and private.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I cannot help but question...if it was one time or a hundred...does it make a difference? She cheated. The difference might be how involved emotionally she was...but obviously...she ended the affair...*and chose you.* The question now is...do you still choose her? Having answers from a man who disrespected you and the sanctity of your marriage is ridiculous. He doesn't give a rats arse about you or he would not have screwed your wife. I would not believe a word he had to say.



That she chose him over the OM eventually does not mean that much in this case. Didn't she pick the husband earlier when they married? Also, she may had been dumped by the OM.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I imagine that he has looked into her eyes many times over the years she has been lying. A good liar will fool you. She certainly has years worth of experience at it. 

I would get a complete timeline in writing. How it started, where, how it ended, how much contact since how many other affairs. 

Give her some time to write it. She may forget a few points but will remember a lot. If you want information, this followed by the eventual polygraph is better than contacting om 

Good luck
WD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

aug said:


> Probably because it's easier for the BS to handle a "ONS" then a prolong intense affair. A ONS can easily be dismissed as a mistake, whereas an ongoing affair can't be.


....that ...I vehemently disagree with. There is NO differentiation between a long time affair and an ONS ....NONE WHATSOEVER. It is not "easier" for a BS to deal with a ONS ...and ...I may add that it's NEVER a "mistake" ...it's a conscious decision made by the wayward ...with exit strategy available at every turn before "the act".


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> ...I hate when many here talk about plan "b"....


Mrs A

not all situations involve a "Plan B". IMO Plan B occurs when a spouse really wants to leave their spouse (potential exit affair - but not committed to same) but is held back by any of several factors. Here are two:

- availability of the POS - due to several factors including being married; financial; fearful that the 'new car smell' won't last.

- their own financial status - perhaps trying to get funds together, fear of losing a job, etc (but willing to put it on the line)

IMO there are other types of affairs that are recognized as 'playing around' or something that has gone too far but without being committed to leaving the spouse. These are selfish affairs - not Plan B sitches.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mrs Adams, I think it does matter if it is one time or multiple times. If it's one time you could say that the WS realized what they had done and voluntarily put a stop to it. If it's more than once then there was something more there because they went back. Now I'm not saying that a BS shouldn't reconcile if there were multiple sexual encounters or not but it does change the way the situation is viewed and how it needs to be approached by both parties.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ....that ...I vehemently disagree with. There is NO differentiation between a long time affair and an ONS ....NONE WHATSOEVER. It is not "easier" for a BS to deal with a ONS ...and ...I may add that it's NEVER a "mistake" ...it's a conscious decision made by the wayward ...with exit strategy available at every turn before "the act".


The difference is -I think- between one conscious decision that is, perhaps, regretted immediately, and a continuing series of conscious decisions taken coldly and calculatedly over months or even years.

The difference can also be measured in lies. One lie, or hundreds of lies extending the length of the affair.

Although we see here the occasional person for whom one act of betrayal is truly the end of the relationship, the majority of the permanently broken relationships we see are caused by the continued and persistent deception and lack of remorse, not the act of infidelity itself.

In the end, each one of us has a different breaking point. The miracle of the human condition.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your beef is not with the ONS partner, it is with YOUR partner

Forget him---if it was years ago, and he is a typical badboy---who goes after women, just to bed them, he may not even know "which" woman you are even asking about

You need to find out a couple of why's---why did she do this in the 1st place, and why years later, when she could have taken this to her grave did she tell you

She may not be able to handle the guilt, she may be, being blackmailed, or about to be blackmailed----why!!!!---you need the why's

as to what you do---that is up to how much misery you can stand, and for how long----and do you want to go thru the rocky road of a R


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You can certainly lie on paper. However, the lie doesn't change whne committed to paper. There is no That's not what I said or you are remembering it wrong.

Use the paper to reinforce the polygraph that will be coming. You may be surprised at the sudden rememberance of details.

Good luck OP


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Aug...I certainly see your point...but I guess in my mind...i did not settle for my husband after my affair....I chose him. I could have left...I stayed. I hate when many here talk about plan "b"...John was not plan "b". Maybe I am too sensitive about it but I feel it is an insult to him.



Umm..It is supposed to be an insult. 



> I cannot help but question...if it was one time or a hundred...does it make a difference? She cheated. The difference might be how involved emotionally she was..


Yes, it makes a difference. It is obvious to me. Many WS don't and hence the infamous "trickle truth" definition that is added to every infidelity self help article.. 




> .but obviously...she ended the affair...and chose you. The question now is...do you still choose her?


Choosing partners happens during the dating phase. It is an insult to even suggest that the cheating spouse chose you when in a relationship with you. A relationship is between two people. The WS companionship is not some heavenly gift that he/she chooses to grant upon the poor BS. 



> Having answers from a man who disrespected you and the sanctity of your marriage is ridiculous. He doesn't give a rats arse about you or he would not have screwed your wife. I would not believe a word he had to say.


See, that is the position the poor BS is pushed into because of the infidelity. The BS is so lost by the betrayal that he even thinks turning to the guy that was cheating with his spouse for the truth. Think about it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

warlock, I agree. The dynamics of the marriage relationship get much more complicated afterwards.


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## supersystem (Dec 29, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies. Some of you have suggested asking her to write down what happened in the form of a timeline. I think this will help bring about more details.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Talk with her and tell her you are still in pain. Tell her you need to know everything to get closure.

There is a reason why you are in doubt, most often your gut is your best source.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

supersystem said:


> Thank you all for your replies. Some of you have suggested asking her to write down what happened in the form of a timeline. I think this will help bring about more details.


Have you discussed the possibility of talking with her OM?

Can she still contact him ?(and possibly warn him)


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