# What To Look Forward To?



## Hope Shimmers

I'm not really even sure what I am asking, other than just maybe getting other people's opinions on what they would do in my shoes.

I have been divorced going on 10 years. I had a few relationships after my marriage, most recently one that lasted going on 2 years but just ended. The details are posted here in various places and I don't want this thread to get into details about it, because it's water under the bridge. It ended very badly and that upsets me, but it was inevitable. It was an LDR.

Enough about that. I guess I am just wondering how people keep motivated. Now that I'm free again, I feel like I don't want to be. I wanted the relationship to end differently. My focus is all over the place.

I'm 52, a physician but I don't practice full-time anymore. I do practice at a local tertiary care center here, but not full time. I started a medical writing business a few years ago and that has been my main source of income. I honestly have put almost no effort into it. The work I get are clients who come to me. I never recruited clients or put any work into it. Now things are starting to dwindle a bit there, and I should do something but I have no motivation. I don't really need the money, but I need something. Just not sure what.

The thought of dating makes me almost want to vomit. I HATE dating. I think that's why I tend to dive into relationships head-first; so that I can avoid it. I have a horrible terrible man-picker. I can't stand the thought of dating again.

I just don't know what to do next. I feel stupid because the world is my oyster now, but I just don't see it. My daughter (my youngest child) who is 16 lives with me and will graduate from high school soon. When she does, I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want. I just don't know what that is.

I don't know how to get from one day to the next with no goal, and I don't know how to find a goal. I don't want it to be all about a man. I know I should volunteer, find a new interest or career, etc, etc, etc, but I just don't have the motivation or desire. How does someone get the motivation?


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## Emerging Buddhist

What brings you happiness?


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## Hope Shimmers

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What brings you happiness?


I don't know


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## Hope Shimmers

Helping people. Taking away pain that people have.


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## TBT

Thanks for asking this very interesting question as I can identify with how you're feeling. I hope you get some good feedback,because it will not only benefit you,but also others like myself that are in a similar place. 

People talk to me about apathy,depression,attachment disorders and as King Yul would say... etc. etc. etc. So many things can cause this it seems. It's odd,in a way,looking for ways to motivate yourself to actually motivate yourself. Right now,I try to identify even a small goal,the best way to get there and then break it down into the smallest steps that I can handle. My little victories become important to me,as they reinforce a 'can do' belief.

Take heart I would say. After all,you were motivated to start this thread,and I hope you find what you need.


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## aine

Hope Shimmers said:


> I'm not really even sure what I am asking, other than just maybe getting other people's opinions on what they would do in my shoes.
> 
> I have been divorced going on 10 years. I had a few relationships after my marriage, most recently one that lasted going on 2 years but just ended. The details are posted here in various places and I don't want this thread to get into details about it, because it's water under the bridge. It ended very badly and that upsets me, but it was inevitable. It was an LDR.
> 
> Enough about that. I guess I am just wondering how people keep motivated. Now that I'm free again, I feel like I don't want to be. I wanted the relationship to end differently. My focus is all over the place.
> 
> I'm 52, a physician but I don't practice full-time anymore. I do practice at a local tertiary care center here, but not full time. I started a medical writing business a few years ago and that has been my main source of income. I honestly have put almost no effort into it. The work I get are clients who come to me. I never recruited clients or put any work into it. Now things are starting to dwindle a bit there, and I should do something but I have no motivation. I don't really need the money, but I need something. Just not sure what.
> 
> The thought of dating makes me almost want to vomit. I HATE dating. I think that's why I tend to dive into relationships head-first; so that I can avoid it. I have a horrible terrible man-picker. I can't stand the thought of dating again.
> 
> I just don't know what to do next. I feel stupid because the world is my oyster now, but I just don't see it. My daughter (my youngest child) who is 16 lives with me and will graduate from high school soon. When she does, I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want. I just don't know what that is.
> 
> I don't know how to get from one day to the next with no goal, and I don't know how to find a goal. I don't want it to be all about a man. I know I should volunteer, find a new interest or career, etc, etc, etc, but I just don't have the motivation or desire. How does someone get the motivation?



Why must you do anything, why must you have a goal to reach, why must you 'do something'? Maybe for the first time in your life you can 'just be.' We spend too much time striving and doing, engaged in action. If you are financially independent, then just enjoy the day to day. You will eventually come across something you really want to do, do not force it.


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## Ynot

I understand where you are coming from. I suffer from the same type of lethargy from time to time (more often than I'd like). While I am not a doctor, I do own my own business and I have a great deal more control over my time and how I choose to spend it, than most people do. One of the benefits to that is that I have more options than most people. Do I want to work this morning or go play golf? Can I do this now, or can it wait until later? Do I want to stay up or out late? Sleep in or get up early? Eat now? Travel? Invest? What do I want to do? The plethora of options often times lead to procrastination on my part. I sometimes wish I could live the life of someone who's life is dictated in terms of when they work, how long they work, how much free time they have every day, when they can take a day off, when they go on vacation etc etc. Then I remember I did do that. For about 6 months after I got divorced and I hated every minute of it. 
I guess all I can say, is be happy you have what is largely a first world problem - too much time and too many choices, things could always be worse.
As for how I get over my periods, I try to take each day as it comes. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. At some point you will look back and see how far you have travelled and that in itself is a reward to look forward to.


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## farsidejunky

Hope, you are a physician. There is a tremendous need for Physicians all over the world. If you really love helping people, third world countries are in desperate need of adequate medical care.

One way you could sort of test drive whether or not this would work for you would be to take a mission trip. Larger churches do them pretty regularly. I wouldn't think it would be too hard to find one who would love to have a physician attend one.

Or maybe you can even find a way to give back to the underprivileged in your immediate area. Either way, you have a highly desirable skill for the underprivileged.


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## Mr. Nail

Dear Hope,
I get it, at least I think I do. You tried to focus you life and energy around your life and energy around a man, and it failed twice leaving you empty and unfocused. You are cerebral and highly educated but you have moved your career into a place where you don't feel needed. Mostly you are doing non urgent work. Your children and family are moving on and there is little to hold you down. And on top of all that you are at that point in your life where you want it to mean something. You want to focus your energy on leaving a mark on the world. Something to be remembered by. 

I think you need a Sabbatical. A year working in a different focus. Away from consulting, and long term care. Either towards working more hands on, or in the opposite direction, in Teaching and / or research. 

If I had your level of freedom. I think I know where I would go this summer. There is a local Camp that needs a Rifle instructor. I could get enough training between now and June to take that post. Of course it is easy to say what you would do when you don't actually have to put it on the line and take that leap. To me Working with a big group of teens is the most important thing I could do because it influences their lives which influences the Future. They also have so much energy and Fun about them. You wake up every morning and put on your best attitude, just so you can keep up with them. 

On the other hand My high School Chemistry teacher took a year Sabbatical and went to industry, to get a break from us kids and all of our Drama. I guess. 

I really think you need to start looking into something you could do for a limited term 1 - 3 years that would be different, That would shake you up and stretch you. You don't want to sink into a sedentary existence. 

The happy people I know have projects and interests. In my religion there are groups of Seniors who work long hours in simple service to others. Some work with youth, some do research or teach others to research. Some are just there to fill a spiritual need. I know a woman who is very active in following sports. She holds season tickets at her alma mater. She follows the careers of the athletes. She volunteers to keep the program going. Her husband goes with her to support her but his real interest is Fishing. He reads about it, plans trips and vacations around it. has friends that share his passion. a few years ago he launched a side business building custom fishing rods. He has something to look forward to every day. I'm 51 my kids have their own lives. I pop in to offer support from time to time. But now it is time for me to develop my own interest. Take one of my hobbies and make it the thing I get up to do. I still have to work, but it is just what I do to keep the cash flow stable. But enough about my search, you need to find a passion for you.


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## Mountkat

Maybe you just need some chill time. There's always a purpose for your life even if you don't see it all the time. It's ok to just be and smell the roses. I have horses in my life and just being around them balances me. When it's quiet that's the time when God and the universe gives me strength.


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## Lostinthought61

Hope,

I was where you are once upon a time, thou not divorce, i felt lost in the sense that, i looked at my life less as who i was, as opposed to the roles i played in life....husband, son, father, boss, employee....and one day i realized that yeah i could continue to play the parts that people saw me in, and most of us do or I could stop defining myself as those parts, and define who i wanted to be. I could start to change what i wanted to be, i saw this as my second act in life.....I always loved education, i love photography, i enjoy writing for me not anyone else, i enjoy working out, hiking and so on....i made a plan, a plan of the things i told myself i would do over the years if only i had enough time, energy or money...and you know what i discovered that you never have enough time, energy nor money that match your thoughts....that the real culprit was the lack of drive....that spark you needed to get your ass off the chair. 
I wrote my personal bucket list cliche i know but call it what you want....a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish in my life... there is the important thing, not to make money, or get a better job, or to win an award, but to go right to top of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - Self-Actualization, and if what i learned i could share with others then that to me was just the cherry on a sundae. So i made a 5 year plan, i expect your plan to be different than mine, and well it should be but make it flexible to move things around, and the beauty of it was that it relied just on me, no one else. here a couple things on mine, and what i have discovered is that I keep a personal log book of the stuff i want to further explore and do off shoots of things i want to learn 

1. I always loved computers, i decided to learn linux, then i decided i liked it so i decided to learn python, then java scripting, which learn to an interest in cyber security which lead to going back to school and getting another undergraduate degree in cyber security, and now going after a another masters in cyber security
2. I loved photography so i decided to travel and just take a camera and book and take pictures...i even post them on flicker
3. i volunteer at a food bank and i enjoy every moment of it 
4. I am learning Spanish because i have always wanted to learn more languages 
5. every year for the past 5 years, i have taken author and read 5 of their books...Hemingway, Somerset Maugham, Joyce, Miller, this year i am reading mexican authors
6. I write everyday, may short stories or poetry or just my thoughts 
7. I do one random act of kindness everyday 
8. i Challenge myself to run 5ks, 10ks
9. I challenge myself to take an opposite view and investigate why someone may think that way

my list is longer but still manageable and i add and subtract based on how i feel....all of this started with mind mapping, throwing everything up on a wall and see the patterns of my wants and my passion. But none of this will start until your really ready, what would it hurt to do a simple mind map and see where your passion lies or make a simple bucket list. good luck.


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## john117

You're suffering from burnout. I've had that happen to me once or twice.

You get into the same routine and after a while you go crazy bored. 

Luckily for us, in January, me and 3/4ths of my team were reorganized into corporate R&D rather than be stuck in product engineering. My team has worked very hard the last two months to come up to speed but nobody is bored, burned out, and so on. A lot of new things to learn, new direction, a really cool new manager, etc. 

You can teach an old dog new tricks. With that attitude you should be good to go. One of my kids' chem teachers in high school was an MD who decided to change her career. The sky's the limit.

(Matlab at my age? Ouch)


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## Bananapeel

Sounds like you have might some mild depression. Keeping busy is the best cure, short of meds. If you don't know what you like to do now, think about the things that brought you joy when you were younger and do those things. Also, make a bucket list and start working on crossing things off of it. That's what I've done and I'm loving every minute of life.


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## Satya

Hope, you're clearly in a funk.

The good news is that it does not have to be permanent.

I've definitely gone through a similar phase. I was kind of "meh" about most everything and had the occasional bout of depression or anger come over me. I just kept plugging away at things that helped to keep me feeling happy and fulfilled. That, in combination with some therapy once every two weeks (to make sure I had an objective party keeping my progress and best interests in mind) helped me immensely.

It's not an instant turnaround, it takes some time, but you can overcome these feelings. I'd be less apt to recommend anything prescription strength if you can avoid it, but sometimes we all need something to give us a leg up, even if just temporarily so we can see how different a more balanced mind can be. It's very easy to become unbalanced.


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## urf

emerging buddhist said:


> what brings you happiness?


fedex?


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## lifeistooshort

Hope, are you into any kind of physical training?

I'm big into the running community where I live and I've dabbled in some triathlons.

These are welcoming communities where events are always happening and singles are all looking. You'd make a ton of friends and be as busy as you want to be. 

Plus you get the added benefit of lots of exercise and as a physician you know how good that is for the mood. I have periods of depression that running keeps at bay.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Our largest hurdles are often thinking we should do something... anything... because doing nothing is wasted time. 

There are times when nothing is exactly what we should be doing because without it, we have nothing to compare our acceptances with as we move forward.

When I am feeling unclear about things in my life that I am thinking are getting in the way and I should be moving forward but can't, I give myself the smile test. It may sound silly, but if I cannot think of 3 things about it that make me smile, then I believe I should let it go.

Funny thing is, I can always think of three things and they are often not the three things I "expected" and a whole new way of looking at it emerges.

And a new path opens...


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## Hope Shimmers

Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice and support. You've given me a lot to think about.

I do think I am depressed at some level, and the exercise idea is a good one. I've sort of slacked off there. I also think I have some PTSD from the last relationship. I had a panic attack this morning and ended up in the ER. The brutal name calling and accusations are still in the forefront of my mind. I know I'm not that person, so I'll get over it. But it destroys a big piece of the heart and soul. There really aren't words to express how horrible it was. It's like being in the eye of a cyclone, forever swirling, not able to get out - until finally you are catapulted onto something hard, left beaten and bruised. I just feel a level of panic all the time, sick to my stomach, stressed.

I loved the ideas for the bucket list, and I'm going to use those. I think someone nailed it though by saying "get motivated to get motivated". I have some things I do. I flip properties. I own/run an online community forum for a hobby; it's successful enough that typing the hobby and "forum" into Google puts us in second place on page 1 in the search. I should get my house ready to sell. I'm just... blah.

I have thought about Doctors Without Borders, but I have custody of my 16 year old daughter so those types of things are not on the radar right now. I would also like to move - but can't for 2 years, same reason. So that's part of the problem too... I'm "waiting around" to have this first-world problem of having too many choices. And I don't do "waiting around" well at all.

There are some really great ideas in your posts. I'm going to re-read them and make sure I've captured them all.


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## FeministInPink

Hope Shimmers said:


> Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice and support. You've given me a lot to think about.
> 
> I do think I am depressed at some level, and the exercise idea is a good one. I've sort of slacked off there. I also think I have some PTSD from the last relationship. I had a panic attack this morning and ended up in the ER. The brutal name calling and accusations are still in the forefront of my mind. I know I'm not that person, so I'll get over it. But it destroys a big piece of the heart and soul. There really aren't words to express how horrible it was. It's like being in the eye of a cyclone, forever swirling, not able to get out - until finally you are catapulted onto something hard, left beaten and bruised. I just feel a level of panic all the time, sick to my stomach, stressed.
> 
> I loved the ideas for the bucket list, and I'm going to use those. I think someone nailed it though by saying "get motivated to get motivated". I have some things I do. I flip properties. I own/run an online community forum for a hobby; it's successful enough that typing the hobby and "forum" into Google puts us in second place on page 1 in the search. I should get my house ready to sell. I'm just... blah.
> 
> I have thought about Doctors Without Borders, but I have custody of my 16 year old daughter so those types of things are not on the radar right now. I would also like to move - but can't for 2 years, same reason. So that's part of the problem too... I'm "waiting around" to have this first-world problem of having too many choices. And I don't do "waiting around" well at all.
> 
> There are some really great ideas in your posts. I'm going to re-read them and make sure I've captured them all.


 @Hope Shimmers, I can't remember--are you in IC? Because that could help a lot with the depression and the PTSD. Actually, I think you could really use it to help learn some coping skills for the panic attacks as well. If you're currently prone to panic attacks, going to a developing or conflicted region to provide volunteer medical services is perhaps not the best idea. I have a friend who is a GP, and he uses every bit of vacation time he has to go to these regions and provide medical care. If there's natural disaster or an epidemic somewhere in the world, he's on the next plane out. And he's got some crazy stories--lots of good stories, but some scary ones as well. He's been to Haiti after the earthquake a couple years ago, he went to Liberia to help during the Ebola outbreak, and he's been to a lot of other places as well. It's not for the faint of heart. 

I don't want to discourage you, I definitely think you should do it, but I think you may want to focus on some other stuff first.


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## Hope Shimmers

FeministInPink said:


> @Hope Shimmers, I can't remember--are you in IC? Because that could help a lot with the depression and the PTSD. Actually, I think you could really use it to help learn some coping skills for the panic attacks as well. If you're currently prone to panic attacks, going to a developing or conflicted region to provide volunteer medical services is perhaps not the best idea. I have a friend who is a GP, and he uses every bit of vacation time he has to go to these regions and provide medical care. If there's natural disaster or an epidemic somewhere in the world, he's on the next plane out. And he's got some crazy stories--lots of good stories, but some scary ones as well. He's been to Haiti after the earthquake a couple years ago, he went to Liberia to help during the Ebola outbreak, and he's been to a lot of other places as well. It's not for the faint of heart.
> 
> I don't want to discourage you, I definitely think you should do it, but I think you may want to focus on some other stuff first.


I'm not in IC right not, but I think that needs to change. For the reasons you mentioned.

I have had panic attacks in the past, but not for a long time until now.

Yes, I agree with your point that I would need to resolve some other things first. I am planning to donate some time at a camp for kids with critical illnesses this summer, but it won't be a great deal of time.


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## FeministInPink

Hope Shimmers said:


> I'm not in IC right not, but I think that needs to change. For the reasons you mentioned.
> 
> I have had panic attacks in the past, but not for a long time until now.
> 
> Yes, I agree with your point that I would need to resolve some other things first. I am planning to donate some time at a camp for kids with critical illnesses this summer, but it won't be a great deal of time.


Definitely get yourself some IC. I think it will help a lot, to help you take care of you.

Volunteering/spending time with young kids can be a real mood booster and help put things in perspective. Do you like kids? Maybe that's something you could do in the interim. It doesn't have to be medical-related.


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## Mr. Nail

Summer camps are a great idea for the time you are tied to a location. Every camp has to have some sort of medical professional. Often they settle for whoever applies, not the person they really need.


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## Jessica38

Hope Shimmers said:


> The thought of dating makes me almost want to vomit. I HATE dating. I think that's why I tend to dive into relationships head-first; so that I can avoid it. I have a horrible terrible man-picker. I can't stand the thought of dating again.
> 
> I just don't know what to do next. I feel stupid because the world is my oyster now, but I just don't see it. My daughter (my youngest child) who is 16 lives with me and will graduate from high school soon. When she does, I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want. I just don't know what that is.
> 
> I don't know how to get from one day to the next with no goal, and I don't know how to find a goal. I don't want it to be all about a man. I know I should volunteer, find a new interest or career, etc, etc, etc, but I just don't have the motivation or desire. How does someone get the motivation?


Take it one step at a time. As a medical writer, you work from home? That can be isolating and maybe contributing to your depression. Can you head to a cafe and work there? 

If I were you (and I think you're in an enviable position- you don't have to work full-time, you have more free time than ever, you can make a list and literally do whatever you want), I'd start with exercise. I love hot yoga so that's what I'd do (I'd also try a barre class and Pilates). I'd join a local studio and go every week. I'd join a daytime book club. I'd meet a friend for lunch or coffee every week. I'd listen to podcasts on topics I love learning about while hiking. I'd get a dog if you don't already have one. 

I'm reading about the three components of happiness and thought I'd share in case it helps you:
1. Someone to love.
2. Something to do.
3. Something to look forward to. 

I'd make sure my day included all 3.


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## Hopeful Cynic

Hope Shimmers said:


> I have thought about Doctors Without Borders, but I have custody of my 16 year old daughter so those types of things are not on the radar right now. I would also like to move - but can't for 2 years, same reason. So that's part of the problem too... I'm "waiting around" to have this first-world problem of having too many choices. And I don't do "waiting around" well at all.
> 
> There are some really great ideas in your posts. I'm going to re-read them and make sure I've captured them all.


Doctors without Borders is a great goal, and you can take steps now to make it go more smoothly, instead of just waiting around. Find out where you may be when the time comes, and do some research ahead of time. Take those two years to learn the most useful language you'll be exposed to there. Maybe there are some courses or certifications it would be useful to have under your belt.


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## Hope Shimmers

Thanks. Yes, I need to find ways to do something constructive during the next 2 years that will lead to my Second Life.

And yes, I mostly work from home, and it is isolating. I've tried going to Starbucks to work but it's usually too busy and loud and I have too many things to spread out and not enough space. But I'll keep thinking. All of the ideas are helping very much, thank you!


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## Hope Shimmers

Oh, and I do have a dog. Kind of. lol

He thinks he's a guard dog.


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## Vinnydee

I suggest a paid dating site. I know three people who used them and all ended up marrying a person them met on the dating site. The site allows you to be very specific about what you are looking for so that you do not waste time dating women who you would not ever enter into a relationship with.

The woman that my wife and I shared, married a doctor she met online. They are married for over 25 years now. All I hear are success stories from people I know who used an online dating service. Might want to give it a try. I have always had a woman in my life since I was 14 years old. I cannot imagine not living with and loving a woman. Lots of the guys said they also got lots of sex from the women they met and some just wanted sex after being divorced for a long time without any. Eventually they found a partner and they are all married for a long time and happy. Can't hurt to give it a try no matter what your age. I live in a large retirement community and people like me in their sixties and 70's still date and have sex. Some even find love again and get married.


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## sokillme

Hope Shimmers said:


> I'm not really even sure what I am asking, other than just maybe getting other people's opinions on what they would do in my shoes.
> 
> I have been divorced going on 10 years. I had a few relationships after my marriage, most recently one that lasted going on 2 years but just ended. The details are posted here in various places and I don't want this thread to get into details about it, because it's water under the bridge. It ended very badly and that upsets me, but it was inevitable. It was an LDR.
> 
> Enough about that. I guess I am just wondering how people keep motivated. Now that I'm free again, I feel like I don't want to be. I wanted the relationship to end differently. My focus is all over the place.
> 
> I'm 52, a physician but I don't practice full-time anymore. I do practice at a local tertiary care center here, but not full time. I started a medical writing business a few years ago and that has been my main source of income. I honestly have put almost no effort into it. The work I get are clients who come to me. I never recruited clients or put any work into it. Now things are starting to dwindle a bit there, and I should do something but I have no motivation. I don't really need the money, but I need something. Just not sure what.
> 
> The thought of dating makes me almost want to vomit. I HATE dating. I think that's why I tend to dive into relationships head-first; so that I can avoid it. I have a horrible terrible man-picker. I can't stand the thought of dating again.
> 
> I just don't know what to do next. I feel stupid because the world is my oyster now, but I just don't see it. My daughter (my youngest child) who is 16 lives with me and will graduate from high school soon. When she does, I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want. I just don't know what that is.
> 
> I don't know how to get from one day to the next with no goal, and I don't know how to find a goal. I don't want it to be all about a man. I know I should volunteer, find a new interest or career, etc, etc, etc, but I just don't have the motivation or desire. How does someone get the motivation?


Use your medical talents to help people. Yes give it away. Do it for 3 months, I bet your outlook will change dramatically.


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## Hope Shimmers

Vinnydee said:


> I suggest a paid dating site. I know three people who used them and all ended up marrying a person them met on the dating site. The site allows you to be very specific about what you are looking for so that you do not waste time dating women who you would not ever enter into a relationship with.
> 
> The woman that my wife and I shared, married a doctor she met online. They are married for over 25 years now. All I hear are success stories from people I know who used an online dating service. Might want to give it a try. I have always had a woman in my life since I was 14 years old. I cannot imagine not living with and loving a woman. Lots of the guys said they also got lots of sex from the women they met and some just wanted sex after being divorced for a long time without any. Eventually they found a partner and they are all married for a long time and happy. Can't hurt to give it a try no matter what your age. I live in a large retirement community and people like me in their sixties and 70's still date and have sex. Some even find love again and get married.


The woman that you and your wife shared? Okay, I'm just going to let that one go right on by.

Don't even get me started on the topic of online dating. I've tried it... more than once. All I find are men who are either completely incapable of stringing together a sentence longer than four words, who are totally out of shape (a requirement of mine is to be fit, since I work at that), or who are married. Or all three.

Besides, it doesn't matter how specific one is in their profile about what type of person they are looking for. Because 99.9% of men don't bother to read the profiles.

I'm 52 and don't consider myself old. Certainly interested in relationships with men and sex. But the last thing I need right now is the depressing experience of online dating. But thanks anyway.


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## Hope Shimmers

sokillme said:


> Use your medical talents to help people. Yes give it away. Do it for 3 months, I bet your outlook will change dramatically.


 @sokillme I have done this and continue to do it. Volunteer at free medical clinics, etc. I have done that since medical school, decades ago. 

I'm curious, as it doesn't seem like you've read my thread. Why do you not think I do that already; that it would be a huge new concept to "give it away"? Do you think I am selfish enough that I don't know what volunteering is, or have ever tried it?

Most physicians do, because they want to help and that is the driving force that led them to the career choice.

And how do you know that my outlook would change dramatically?

Do you think this thread is about me trying to be selfish? Because that's how I read your post.

Also, I'm curious what YOU do to "give it away" and help people. It's not just restricted to physicians, you know. What do YOU do on a regular basis to give it away?


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## sokillme

Hope Shimmers said:


> @sokillme I have done this and continue to do it. Volunteer at free medical clinics, etc. I have done that since medical school, decades ago.
> 
> I'm curious, as it doesn't seem like you've read my thread. Why do you not think I do that already; that it would be a huge new concept to "give it away"? Do you think I am selfish enough that I don't know what volunteering is, or have ever tried it?
> 
> Most physicians do, because they want to help and that is the driving force that led them to the career choice.
> 
> And how do you know that my outlook would change dramatically?
> 
> Do you think this thread is about me trying to be selfish? Because that's how I read your post.
> 
> Also, I'm curious what YOU do to "give it away" and help people. It's not just restricted to physicians, you know. What do YOU do on a regular basis to give it away?


It was not a judgement on you, I just know that when you are depressed as it sounds like you are, or at least stuck, helping others is the quickest way to start to feel better. Getting out from under yourself so to speak. My point was to switch your focus away from your pain and on to others. In the process you may meet people you never knew were out there. 

Just an idea.


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## Cooper

Hope I have written and deleted this post several times because I keep comparing what I think are similarities between what we are feeling at this point in our life and not offering an answer to your question of "how to motivate". I am very much in the same position as you, right now my life is a "been there done that" existence and I keep trying to figure out what's next. 

Many of the answers on this thread say learn to enjoy the peace in your life, I get that and have learned to relax, but sometimes I want and need stimulation to drive me. 

So Hope you are not alone, take comfort in living a life well and having accomplished enough to be at a point where you have the time and money to do as you please. There's thousands of ways to keep yourself busy, when you get bored with relaxing my guess is you will find something to do.


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## Hope Shimmers

sokillme said:


> It was not a judgement on you, I just know that when you are depressed as it sounds like you are, or at least stuck, helping others is the quickest way to start to feel better. Getting out from under yourself so to speak. My point was to switch your focus away from your pain and on to others. In the process you may meet people you never knew were out there.
> 
> Just an idea.


I'm sorry if it seemed like I jumped on you. It's just that there is this somewhat universal idea, especially for people in my line of work, that volunteering will be extremely personally fulfilling.

That used to be very true. Things have changed over the years, though. In my local area, which is one of the worst areas for health and wellness in the country (this state ranks dead last, in fact), I have worked at the free medical clinic. You would think it would be rewarding. The fact is that there has evolved this sense of entitlement and lack of interest or motivation for people to do anything to help themselves. So the vast majority of people that come there are heavy smokers and drinkers, weigh over 300 pounds, are sedentary, and basically expect someone to give them a miraculous "fix". They don't want to do anything to help themselves and are scornful when you try to encourage that. They actually expect that everyone will be accommodating of them and get upset if things don't go exactly their way. Then you see them later that day at Kroger buying cigarettes.

I have a colleague that just stopped volunteering for this reason; she said "Why am I taking my time away from the kids for this?" Physicians all over are getting discouraged with this and other aspects of health care and are leaving for other careers in flocks.

Anyway, so it isn't a sure fix. But third world volunteering would be a totally different experience. I would like to try it. Thanks for your response.


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## Hope Shimmers

Cooper said:


> Hope I have written and deleted this post several times because I keep comparing what I think are similarities between what we are feeling at this point in our life and not offering an answer to your question of "how to motivate". I am very much in the same position as you, right now my life is a "been there done that" existence and I keep trying to figure out what's next.
> 
> Many of the answers on this thread say learn to enjoy the peace in your life, I get that and have learned to relax, but sometimes I want and need stimulation to drive me.
> 
> So Hope you are not alone, take comfort in living a life well and having accomplished enough to be at a point where you have the time and money to do as you please. There's thousands of ways to keep yourself busy, when you get bored with relaxing my guess is you will find something to do.


I hear you. I don't know if there is an answer. Like you, although I need to "stop and smell the roses" I tend to get restless if things aren't motivating and stimulating. 

Thanks for the encouraging words! I hope you find your path too.


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## lifeistooshort

Hope Shimmers said:


> I'm sorry if it seemed like I jumped on you. It's just that there is this somewhat universal idea, especially for people in my line of work, that volunteering will be extremely personally fulfilling.
> 
> That used to be very true. Things have changed over the years, though. In my local area, which is one of the worst areas for health and wellness in the country (this state ranks dead last, in fact), I have worked at the free medical clinic. You would think it would be rewarding. The fact is that there has evolved this sense of entitlement and lack of interest or motivation for people to do anything to help themselves. So the vast majority of people that come there are heavy smokers and drinkers, weigh over 300 pounds, are sedentary, and basically expect someone to give them a miraculous "fix". They don't want to do anything to help themselves and are scornful when you try to encourage that. They actually expect that everyone will be accommodating of them and get upset if things don't go exactly their way. Then you see them later that day at Kroger buying cigarettes.
> 
> I have a colleague that just stopped volunteering for this reason; she said "Why am I taking my time away from the kids for this?" Physicians all over are getting discouraged with this and other aspects of health care and are leaving for other careers in flocks.
> 
> Anyway, so it isn't a sure fix. But third world volunteering would be a totally different experience. I would like to try it. Thanks for your response.


Amazing isn't it?

The same people who bemoan their financial situation seem to have plenty of money for lots of fast food, alcohol, and cigarettes.

I can imagine that would be very frustrating for you. 

Have you thought about leaving your area? Is that doable for you?


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## john117

Doctor in a cruise ship... I think it's short term 6 or 9 month contracts, pay is ok, but it's an adventure.


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## Hope Shimmers

lifeistooshort said:


> Amazing isn't it?
> 
> The same people who bemoan their financial situation seem to have plenty of money for lots of fast food, alcohol, and cigarettes.
> 
> I can imagine that would be very frustrating for you.
> 
> Have you thought about leaving your area? Is that doable for you?


Not until my daughter graduates from high school in 2 years, but as soon as that happens I will be out of here so fast there will be skid marks.


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## Hope Shimmers

john117 said:


> Doctor in a cruise ship... I think it's short term 6 or 9 month contracts, pay is ok, but it's an adventure.


Sounds like fun, actually. I have custody of a 16 year old though.


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## Cooper

lifeistooshort said:


> Amazing isn't it?
> 
> The same people who bemoan their financial situation seem to have plenty of money for lots of fast food, alcohol, and cigarettes.
> 
> I can imagine that would be very frustrating for you.
> 
> Have you thought about leaving your area? Is that doable for you?


You forgot about tattoos!


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## lifeistooshort

Cooper said:


> You forgot about tattoos!


My bad.....Hope only mentioned obesity, drinking, and smoking so I didn't take any liberties.

Besides, they may be doing each others' tattoos >


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## Hope Shimmers

lifeistooshort said:


> My bad.....Hope only mentioned obesity, drinking, and smoking so I didn't take any liberties.
> 
> Besides, they may be doing each others' tattoos >


I HATE tattoos.

I just booked a vacation to Saint Lucia, Caribbean. With my sister, who at 38 and 12 years of marriage is just dealing with her husband walking out on her to be with a OW. Screw him. Screw my guy who lied to me and cheated and then projected it on me.

Girls' vacation. Wonder what the men there look like?

Yes at 52 it will be bikini time. And love love LOVE to snorkel and scuba dive. 

So something to look forward to.


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## Cooper

Hope Shimmers said:


> I HATE tattoos.
> 
> I just booked a vacation to Saint Lucia, Caribbean. With my sister, who at 38 and 12 years of marriage is just dealing with her husband walking out on her to be with a OW. Screw him. Screw my guy who lied to me and cheated and then projected it on me.
> 
> Girls' vacation. Wonder what the men there look like?
> 
> Yes at 52 it will be bikini time. And love love LOVE to snorkel and scuba dive.
> 
> So something to look forward to.



Bikini time! Hot damn, be sure to share some pictures with your TAM friends>

I think you solved your initial question, "what to look forward to?" You look forward to making your own plans. Maybe it's that simple, you just start making more plans.


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## FeministInPink

Hey @Hope Shimmers I assume you already know some doctors who have done volunteer work in the developing world. If not, do you want me to put you in touch with my friend who has done it, so you can get a little more info/first person perspective? I'm sure he would be happy to talk to you.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Hope Shimmers

Cooper said:


> Bikini time! Hot damn, be sure to share some pictures with your TAM friends>
> 
> I think you solved your initial question, "what to look forward to?" You look forward to making your own plans. Maybe it's that simple, you just start making more plans.


Ha, we will see about the pictures! Maybe LOL

Thank you!


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## Hope Shimmers

FeministInPink said:


> Hey @Hope Shimmers I assume you already know some doctors who have done volunteer work in the developing world. If not, do you want me to put you in touch with my friend who has done it, so you can get a little more info/first person perspective? I'm sure he would be happy to talk to you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Hey FIP, thank you for the offer. I may take you up on that if I can't get in touch with a couple of my classmates who I know have worked with Doctors Without Borders. Appreciate it!


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