# Should You Follow Dating RULES?



## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

I'm not religious at all, but I used to go to a church in which they "controlled" any two people who wanted to date. The church taught dating rules to follow regardless of everybody being different. 

For example: They said that you HAD to get to know someone for a whole 2 years before even getting serious about them and choosing to marry and fall in love. They said that you cannot hold hands too quickly. They said that you cannot have sex before marriage. They said that you cannot kiss passionately, only a peck. They said that you CANNOT be Alone with each other in any way whatsoever, period. They said that when you go on dates, always have someone else there with the two of you, or date each other in group settings. AND, they said that before you even CHOOSE to date someone, that you HAVE to both go and speak to a church counselor together so that the counselor directs both of you in the ways you "should" go and keep you guys "in check". 

Now, they say that you have to follow all these (and more) dating rules to "prevent" sin and such. They also taught that if you messed up and had sex with the person you were dating, that you have ruined things with them entirely and have to let go of them forever. That you have to start all over with someone new until you get it all "right" with one person. 

I know there are other people who teach others about supposed "dating rules", not just religious people do this. Parents might even do this to grown kids. 

Anyway, what my question is... Should two people that are highly considering being with each other and are falling in love - should they follow any set dating rules? Is this healthy? How do you think this affects things in a good or bad way? Did YOU ever follow dating rules yourself?

I personally think that if two people that are falling in love choose to follow dating rules, things wont turn out "naturally". Because, both of their actions are being controlled by a "third party" or "rules", instead of what comes naturally to the two people specifically to fall in love.

Guidelines are great, but rules, when it comes to love, I feel interferes with the love story itself from unwrapping in its own unique and natural way.

This is my opinion when it comes to two normal and level headed human beings trying to fall in love.

What do you guys think?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Mom_In-Love said:


> I personally think that if two people that are falling in love choose to follow dating rules, things wont turn out "naturally". Because, both of their actions are being controlled by a "third party" or "rules", instead of what comes naturally to the two people specifically to fall in love.
> 
> Guidelines are great, but rules, when it comes to love, I feel interferes with the love story itself from unwrapping in its own unique and natural way.
> 
> ...


i agree with this.

you do what you feel comfortable with.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I'm willing to accept wisdom where ever I find it. For me personally, I don't find my wisdom in religion. I do find a lot of it in spirituality.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Mom_In-Love said:


> For example: They said that you HAD to get to know someone for a whole 2 years before even getting serious about them and choosing to marry and fall in love.


That's pretty solid advice. I've always said 2 years was the minimum time to know someone before doing anything serious. One part is because it takes a while to really know someone. Another part is that animals have a certain "honeymoon" period with new mates. You might really like someone for a year then suddenly you can't stand them, but neither person changed.
Coolidge effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Coolidge Effect:


> In biology and psychology, the Coolidge effect is a phenomenon—seen in nearly every mammalian species in which it has been tested—whereby males (and to a lesser extent females) exhibit renewed sexual interest if introduced to new receptive sexual partners,[1][2][3][4] even after refusing sex from prior but still available sexual partners.
> ...
> The original experiments with rats applied the following protocol:[6] A male rat was placed into an enclosed large box with four or five female rats in heat. He immediately began to mate with all the female rats again and again until eventually, he became exhausted. The females continued nudging and licking him, yet he did not respond. When a novel female was introduced into the box, he became alert and began to mate once again with the new female. This phenomenon is not limited to common rats.[7] The Coolidge effect is attributed to an increase in dopamine levels and the subsequent effect upon an animal's limbic system.[8]


You might have seen this in your own life. You sleep with new partners every day then it slowly drops down. A lot of people incorrectly attribute it to being married, but it's actually based on time. You'll still feel decreased sex drive if you stay with the same person and remain unmaried.
If you still like someone after the honeymoon period, then you can go to the next level by moving in together or getting married. Absolutely never get married during those first months/year of infatuation.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Mom_In-Love said:


> What do you guys think?


What do I think? I think I have a problem with this statement......



Mom_In-Love said:


> This is my opinion when it comes to two normal and level headed human beings trying to fall in love.


First, the two people might be what is considered normal, but the word "normal" is very subjective.

Second, very few people are level-headed, so that term also is very subjected. If everyone, or most everyone, were so level-headed, there wouldn't be so many problems in relationships and marriages. Have you read these boards? Have you read many other boards like this site? There are way too many concerns and idiosyncracies to think both parties are levle-headed, such as selfishness or being too selfless, mental/behavioral disorders, nonsensical philosophies based on no studies or experiences, and so on. If everyone were so level-headed, there wouldn't be anyone to think rules and guidance are needed.

Third, I have a very big problem with someone thinking/saying/writing that human beings "try to fall in love" and think that person should probably listen to their church counselors and follow the church rules. No one should "try to fall in love." It appears the church attempts to govern dating and guide people who would likely otherwise live capriciously and make some very awful mistakes. After all, most people who are not governed or guided do live capricously and make very awful mistakes. That means there is great need for rules.

Fourth, many societies live by rules when it comes to love, dating, and marriage. With the exceptions of religions like Hasidic Jews, Fundamental Mormons, the Amish, and a few others, it is mostly western culture that does't have cultural traditions and religion that rule their love and dating lives.

Ffith, it is sad to me that the main people who are supposed to establish such rules don't bother, usually because they are too busy, are too unconcerned, or are too busy living capriciously and making their own mistakes to bother implementing and enforcing rules or instilling any values or standards in their youngsters. I'm talking about parents.

Finally, I think your church rules are spot on for the most part. They help to teach people to guard their hearts and gird their bodies. There really should be much more of this way of thinking and guidance because while you think people are level-headed and should try to fall in love, the opposite is usually true. You will realize this after you've had to pay dearly for the mistakes you made because you didn't want anyone trying to prevent you from making those mistakes.

I lived by my own rules. In other words, I set standards in my dating life to govern myself, to respect myself and require respect from the guys I dated, to prevent making the same mistakes over and over, and to scrutinize those I dated. I remember my mother telling me I should date a guy for 3 or 4 months before sleeping with him. That became one of my rules/standards of dating, rather than jumping into bed with a guy the same day I met him or the first/second date. I didn't try to fall in love. I used the dating period to determine if a guy was the type of person I wanted to be with.


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