# husband having an affair



## Justholdingon (Jan 24, 2016)

I am with the first post on here. I found out my husband was having an affair at Christmas. He ended it and I agreed to try to get past it and move on as I love him - this is the second affair in 5 years.
Whilst we were arguing about it, he turns and says to me - oh I am now a Christian !!! We have been together for 21 years, 15 of them married. We both had the same beliefs then - ie: none. Oh, so you woke up one morning and found God..yeah ? Feels that God will forgive him so his affair is okay - NOT SO me thinks.
Now he is reading the bible and stopped swearing and stopped drinking etc etc etc. This is not the man I married, he is creepy and the thought of sex with him makes me sick. He says he will not judge my behavior - but he is already.
He has been treated for depression in the past and is quite obsessive about things - picking them up and dropping them. I really don't know if I can stay around much longer. All his family and friends think he has completely lost it and I'm tending to agree.
I can see a divorce in the offing. Also, since his affair I have moved into the spare room - I can't bear him near me due to the affair - but also the thought of sex with him makes me sick. As far as I am concerned he has a third person in his head - marriage is two people, not three.
I am in the UK.


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## Justholdingon (Jan 24, 2016)

*Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not*

This has literally just happened to me - I posted when I joined, but don't think its on here.
I found out my husband was having a cyber affair just after Christmas - (this is the second affair in 5 years - 1st one was physical).
Cutting a huge long story short here but when we were rowing about this affair he comes away with "oh I am now a Christian"....WHAT ! 
Background - hubby has suffered from depression in the past and was medicated. He is quite a vulnerable person and very easily led. New guy at his work is a Christian and started talking to him about it and has given him a bible blah blah blah. 
Anyway, now he has found God and says that God will forgive him for his affair and he is hoping I will too. I am not religious, neither of us have ever been religious and have been together for 21 years.
He's carrying this bible around in his work bag and reading one in bed - ( I am in the spare room as I just can't bear to be near him due to affair).
He has agreed to see a doctor as I feel he is depressed again and I also think he has had some kind of physios leading to this "I have found God" thing.
I just don't know what to do. He says it won't change him, but it has already. No glass of wine with dinner, no odd swear word whilst watching his favourite football team - he's just weird.
I want the man I married back and if I can't have him, divorce is my only option. I don't want a new man - I want my husband.


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## pan (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not*



Pooh Bear said:


> *What is it about "Christian history" you love? History is just history.*
> 
> Well, I think most historians get excited about a particular type of history. My dad loves the civil war, my friend is into WWII. Even scientists will focus on a particular type of science that they especially love. Biology vs. Physics.
> 
> ...


At the risk of derailing this thread (though I believe it has run it's course), I wanted to commend you. I didn't read this entire thread; I was merely curious as to the general spirituality of the forum's users here & I am awed by your rational & honest approach to Christianity; it's quite refreshing. I myself discarded my beliefs some time ago & try (sometimes not so) diligently to tolerate others beliefs even when I feel they are detrimental to society (many things happening in the Supreme Court) & infringing on the Constitution. 

I too find it interesting how the State uses religion & vice versa. I also agree that mystery in life is awesome. There have been many ancient religions I think I could have been a follower of, b/c the universe is indeed a mysterious & truly awe-inspiring phenomenon which we will never be able to explain; hence, our desire to believe in a construct that explains it (even if ambiguously). Unfortunately Christianity & many other religions (or the bible/quran/etc & many of it's followers at least) get too caught up in the details & miss the broader strokes.

Regardless, I cannot applaud your rationality enough & your belief that faith needs stay in people's homes. But how to convince someone of that who has been taught to "become fisher's of men"?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not*



Justholdingon said:


> This has literally just happened to me - I posted when I joined, but don't think its on here.
> I found out my husband was having a cyber affair just after Christmas - (this is the second affair in 5 years - 1st one was physical).
> Cutting a huge long story short here but when we were rowing about this affair he comes away with "oh I am now a Christian"....WHAT !
> Background - hubby has suffered from depression in the past and was medicated. He is quite a vulnerable person and very easily led. New guy at his work is a Christian and started talking to him about it and has given him a bible blah blah blah.
> ...


You do realize your marital problems have nothing to do with religion or religious conversions and everything to do with your husband being a serial cheater who is also mentally ill, right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Justholdingon said:


> I am with the first post on here. I found out my husband was having an affair at Christmas. He ended it and I agreed to try to get past it and move on as I love him - this is the second affair in 5 years.
> Whilst we were arguing about it, he turns and says to me - oh I am now a Christian !!! We have been together for 21 years, 15 of them married. We both had the same beliefs then - ie: none. Oh, so you woke up one morning and found God..yeah ? Feels that God will forgive him so his affair is okay - NOT SO me thinks.
> Now he is reading the bible and stopped swearing and stopped drinking etc etc etc. This is not the man I married, he is creepy and the thought of sex with him makes me sick. He says he will not judge my behavior - but he is already.
> He has been treated for depression in the past and is quite obsessive about things - picking them up and dropping them. I really don't know if I can stay around much longer. All his family and friends think he has completely lost it and I'm tending to agree.
> ...


I moved your posts to your own thread. The one you posted on is an old thread and few people will post on it.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I feel for you but our marriage included a woman that my wife and I shared for almost 40 years. We defined our own marriage to fit us. It worked for us much better than all our divorced friends and family. I keep posting this but a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior. Also there is a lot of truth to the saying that once a cheater, always a cheater. That has been my experience over 65 years. 

Your husband can love you and someone else too just like you can love both parents and any siblings all at the same time. So while you are rightfully upset, as I was when I agreed to monogamy with my first fiancee, there is some solace that his affairs may not mean he loves you less, just that like some of us, can love more than one person and even need to. I will be frank, odds are that he will keep having affairs, so if you cannot cope with it you need to make some hard decisions. I know a good many wives who decide to look the other way because their husbands are still good husbands even when they have another woman in their lives. As my wife said, what the eyes do not see, the heart cannot feel. 

I wish you luck but we only have so many years on earth and we can choose to live them feeling miserable or do what you need to do to make your life fun.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not*



Justholdingon said:


> This has literally just happened to me - I posted when I joined, but don't think its on here.
> I found out my husband was having a cyber affair just after Christmas - (this is the second affair in 5 years - 1st one was physical).
> Cutting a huge long story short here but when we were rowing about this affair he comes away with "oh I am now a Christian"....WHAT !
> Background - hubby has suffered from depression in the past and was medicated. He is quite a vulnerable person and very easily led. New guy at his work is a Christian and started talking to him about it and has given him a bible blah blah blah.
> ...


I would suggest that the man you thought you married does not exist. This guy, the one who cheats and get into obsessive acting out... that's who you really married.

That love you feel belongs to you. You own it, not him. It sounds like you need to take your love back and divorce this cheater.

He is not doing anything to help you heal from his infidelity. He's using religion as a cover to rug sweep.

How long have the two of you been married? How old are you two?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are hurting and probably think he is using the Christian angle to wiggle his way out of dealing with the unfaithfulness. 
Him becoming a new Christian might benefit you in the long term if he sincerely wants to make a change to his life, stop cheating, etc. Only time will tell.
You shuld take steps for yourself too. You have to heal and he has to do whatever it takes for your to heal.

1. tell your family and friends what he has done so there will be come accountability
2. Get yourself some IC to handle the emotions
3. Remain detached and see what he suggests.
YOu need time to heal, if you can find it in your heart to forgive and if he really works hard to restore the marriage then you should get MC. Don't make any promies to him


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it possible your husband is mentally ill, but more than just a simple depression?

My wife is a theologian and someone -not in entirely dissimilar circumstances to your husband said: "I have found Jesus!"

My wife smiled at him and said: "That's nice! But I wasn't aware he was missing?"

Some people "find" Jesus when they need to cover up some bad behaviour. Like two affairs in five years. Or at least two affairs in five years. Might be others you don't know about.

I suggest that you look up Relate in your area.

They offer counselling to couples and individual spouses who have been cheated on. A friend of mine saw a Relate counsellor -her husband refused to attend- and the counsellor was able to help her see that the marriage was dead. (Husband had abandoned pregnant wife to run off with wife's best friend who was a lesbian.)

Other counselling services are available.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Morality is what keeps many men's sexual desire in check. Apparently your husband lacked that, and it is appropriate for him to do some moral self-evaluation. I suppose you can discuss what's right and wrong and you have to evaluate whether to stay but his infidelity, not moral reflection is the real problem.


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

It almost sounds like you were ready to rug sweep the two affairs,but the religion is the one thing you can't accept or forgive? Please correct me if I'm wrong. 

My situation is very different from yours, I am a Christian and my husband is not. Had he become a Christian it would be easier for me to trust him, because he would not only be accountable to me but also to God. 

I wish you the best and hope you find a way to clearly see what you want to do.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Vinnydee said:


> I feel for you but our marriage included a woman that my wife and I shared for almost 40 years. We defined our own marriage to fit us. It worked for us much better than all our divorced friends and family. I keep posting this but a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior. Also there is a lot of truth to the saying that once a cheater, always a cheater. That has been my experience over 65 years.
> 
> Your husband can love you and someone else too just like you can love both parents and any siblings all at the same time. So while you are rightfully upset, as I was when I agreed to monogamy with my first fiancee, there is some solace that his affairs may not mean he loves you less, just that like some of us, can love more than one person and even need to. I will be frank, odds are that he will keep having affairs, so if you cannot cope with it you need to make some hard decisions. I know a good many wives who decide to look the other way because their husbands are still good husbands even when they have another woman in their lives. As my wife said, what the eyes do not see, the heart cannot feel.
> 
> I wish you luck but we only have so many years on earth and we can choose to live them feeling miserable or do what you need to do to make your life fun.


I strongly disagree with this.

OP signed up for a monogamous relationship, not to share her husband with other women. She has every right to leave him at this point.

In the end, this isn't her brothers and sisters or parents, this is a romantic venture with someone she decided to spend the rest of her life with and now IMO is NOT THE TIME to suggest that she either rugsweeps this affair or try to encourage her to open the marriage. Both rugsweeping and open marriage would both yield disastrous results and would go against her own moral values and the moral values that he promised her and failed to deliver on.

I will focus on the two methods which actually make sense.

1) Reconciliation
2) Divorce

So my questions to OP are this 

1) How do you know that he just started cheating in the last 5 years and it hasn't been more often that that ?

2) Other than throwing the bible in your face, what else is he doing to make amends ?

3) Have you seen an attorney yet and have a plan to protect yourself if you say bon voyage to him and this marriage ?

4) It seems like OP has a 180 in place of sorts, can you read the 180 and let us know what you think ?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell your husband that all criminals find Jesus when they get sentenced to prison. Men who never spent a day in church growing up all of a sudden become pious once their butt is in a sling. 

Tell your cheating hubby you are not falling for it. He either starts showing some true remorse and sorrow for what he did to you or you will take advantage of the British legal systems pro-wife/mother slant and take him to the cleaners in court.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Tell your husband that all criminals find Jesus when they get sentenced to prison. Men who never spent a day in church growing up all of a sudden become pious once their butt is in a sling.
> 
> Tell your cheating hubby you are not falling for it. He either starts showing some true remorse and sorrow for what he did to you or you will take advantage of the British legal systems pro-wife/mother slant and take him to the cleaners in court.


I agree.

It's sad the English system is that way, especially for the BH over there.

They need to fix their $hit in that country.

But her H is lucky she hasn't hammered him yet with that advantage.

He needs to grow up


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