# I cheated, now she doesnt believe in monogomy/please help!



## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

I am going to try and explain the past and present as briefly as possible:

My wife and I met, fell in love, had amazing sex, a strong relationship, I lost custody of my son from a previous marriage, she stood by my side during a custody battle, i had PTSD and became emotionally unavailable, sexually disinterested, cruel, drank a lot (even through her pregnancy) and ended up cheating.

She decided to give me another chance and a year later snapped and we were separated for a little over a month. I am very caring now, open, emotionally available, cook, clean, provide, we are almost a year into me being a different person alhtough it has not been a perfect year. Before that separation she met someone she had an emotional connection with, I am not sure if they were physically intimate, but I know she wanted to be. I didnt give her the space she needed, it was tough on both of us, and now we are back together. We have a 2 year old son and a 10 year old from our previous marriage. She says she wants to be with me forever, that I am her emotional partner for life that she wants to grow old, have babies with, travel with, and she loves me.

BUT, today she told me that she doubts monogamy and that sex is very important to her, and she does not know if she can ever have it with me again. She says she feels like she has to choose between her sex life and our life. She admitted to being sexually attracted to someone else and that she doesn't know if we can ever get that back or if this will ever work. I love her dearly, am amazingly attracted to her, fantasize about her non stop and she is all I want, like when we first met. Had I not gone through what I did we would never be where we are, but its our reality.

How should I proceed with this? She is distant, angry, and really sad above all. I want her to be happy, us to be happy. I want a healthy sex life but do not know how to proceed. Advice is desperately needed as I cant find a situation like this out there. I dont know if this helps but I am 32, she is 28, we have been together for 8 years.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. Ok, let me get this straight. You cheated. She may have also cheated but you didn't want to know and still don't. Now she says she can't have sex with you but that sex is really important to her but she doesn't believe in monogamy.

She's having sex with someone else.

Do you want to continue in a marriage with a third person?


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

Let me clarify: During our separation we were allowed to see other people, I believe she did and was. She felt alone and unwanted for years in our marriage and I believe she just wanted to feel attractive and desired. Now that we are back together and working on our marriage the sex is the missing part, and she is having much more issues then me. I feel like I shattered her ideal of monogomy and she says she wants that, she wants to feel like that and be intimate with me, she doest know if its ever possible though.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like she is in an active affair and sees having sex with you as cheating on the OM. 

She was obviously devastated by your cheating, but she chose to R and forgive you. But you haven't gotten R, all you are doing is living together. 

She either needs to comit to being in the marriage fully or end it. Her cheating isn't ok,anymore than yours, and while you did cheat you have remorse and are now working to be a good husband.

Frankly her words and behavior sound like she is an active affair. Have you checked her cell phone? Do you know the OM?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think she does believe in monogamy but not with you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So she had your permission to cheat. I see.

I still think she's currently with someone else.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

I do now the OM as a mutual acquaintance and she admits to wanting him physically but says nothing happened, its more of an emotional affair or EM? She decided to end the separation yesterday and I trust that telling this guy will have to happen, but I also trust that she felt that it was an escape and agreeing to R is going to be a lot of work. I guess I just dont understand the steps for us to take right now or what to do to get us on the right track. She still has some anger and in saying we would see other people, she doesnt have to feel guilty about her EM, and she did learn that she wants to be with me and "grow old with me". Its the sexual aspect that is missing and she has doubts will return.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> So she had your permission to cheat. I see.
> 
> I still think she's currently with someone else.


Is it really cheating if we are separated?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think so. Read my own story. I kicked my husband out and he ended up getting oral from a hooker, and that was damn sure cheating as far as I was concerned.

Did you go and have sex with someone else while you were separated??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> I think so. Read my own story. I kicked my husband out and he ended up getting oral from a hooker, and that was damn sure cheating as far as I was concerned.
> 
> Did you go and have sex with someone else while you were separated??


I'd say it's different if they had agreed that seeing other people is ok. In your case, it doesn't sound like that was the agreement, which would make it cheating. In my opinion. 

C


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'd say it's different if they had agreed that seeing other people is ok. In your case, it doesn't sound like that was the agreement, which would make it cheating. In my opinion.
> 
> C


Yeah, you could look at it that way, although when one partner 'agrees' more than the other it's a grey area. I still think it's just giving permission to cheat.

I guess the question is, do you feel cheated on, OP?


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

No, i did not sleep with anyone else, but I am not the one scorned and I believe she did not sleep with someone else either. I think she is really sad and fearful of putting hope into us working because she lived with that hope for a long time, and we didnt work. Everything is in place for it to now, I think she is just fearful. The guy she was texting and saw out a couple times, I think she was reluctant to give that up because its a source of escape and happiness after years of sadness, but I know she has to in order for our marriage to work. I also know she has to let go of the anger and its nothing but destructive. I just dont know what to do in the mean time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think as one of rules of ending the separation you must include:

1. Anyone you dated during the sep is gone. Even if you didn't sleep with them
2. Total mutual transparency.
3. Monogamy - not optional, not negotiabe
4. MC together.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are either of you in IC? Are you doing MC? Do you like to read books? I have some book recs at the end of my story post.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yeah, you could look at it that way, although when one partner 'agrees' more than the other it's a grey area. I still think it's just giving permission to cheat.
> 
> I guess the question is, do you feel cheated on, OP?


I do feel cheated on because I was and am ready to do anything to make this marriage work, its worth saving, I gave thought to the "you only want her because shes gone" and as to wether it is worth saving, I know thats a big factor, and we both agree that it is. So yes, I feel cheated on, but I also understand that breathing room and something like what she did is normal in the sense that its part of the healing process sometimes.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ProvidenceHusband said:


> I do feel cheated on because I was and am ready to do anything to make this marriage work, its worth saving, I gave thought to the "you only want her because shes gone" and as to wether it is worth saving, I know thats a big factor, and we both agree that it is. So yes, I feel cheated on, but I also understand that breathing room and something like what she did is normal in the sense that its part of the healing process sometimes.


No it isn't. Having a revenge affair isn't 'normal'. You might feel like you deserved it for what you did, but I can truthfully say that even through all my husband did I never thought he deserved to be cheated on like he had done to me. NO ONE deserves that pain. NO ONE.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your cheating gave her an open ticket and she not ready to give that up yet.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

This is a false R all around. You two probably need professional help if there is something to save from that train wreck.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

Is it revenge though if we are separated? All of this is intensely confusing and I agree a MC would be the best thing at this point.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Doesn't matter. Read Shaggy's list as its on point. 

You gave her a field day on sex with other men but shes not ready to call it a day and come inside yet. Her bullsh*t "I don't believe in monogamy" is just an excuse. 

She believes in monogamy, just not with you. She wants to cake eat. She wants to have you for security, taking care of the kids while the OM will supply her with sex and fun and more sex. 

Do you really want to be her room mate? 

To have her come home to your children kissing their cheeks when her lips may have been wrapped around who knows what? The mind movies of her with another man between her legs will emotionally kill you if you have to put up with having a wed locked room mate. Also do you want to raise his children if she gets pregnant by him? It doesn't matter if you aren't the father, if you're married at the time you're going to be the one financially raising it for at least 18 years. 

You can never beat the OM either. With you she has responsibilities, kids, etc but with him its all sex, lovey dovey meetings, and no responsibilities. 

You tell her she gets her as* back in the marriage 100% or she needs to go. 

You having an affair is not justification for this crap.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

ProvidenceHusband said:


> Is it revenge though if we are separated? All of this is intensely confusing and I agree a MC would be the best thing at this point.



You're either married or you are not. I dont think there's a time-out in marriage. There's an end to marriage - that's divorce.

You're thinking a separation is a time-out, a freedom card to do whatever you want. That's what she has done and she's not ready for her freedom to end.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Did that clear up the cobwebs and confusion ?? It should. You said it has been a year that you have been working on you and her, but she just decided yesterday to R. 
Then how can you have any doubts that she was getting her ashes hauled, and want to continue with him, but not with you.
Are you really ready to go without while she don't ?? Is that your idea of marriage ?

She is either in or out. NC letter and complete transparency. No passwords on anything.
And Mc yesterday !!!!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with Kasler. She's playing you right now. There's no excuse for her. She is a cake eater. and worst of all, you sound too nice for her to want to stop. You are separated, but still married. Separation should be a time to regroup and re-evaluate ourselves to better ourselves. She has turned completely away from the marriage and is worsening the marriage.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

I guess i just felt like, after what i put her through for years, she deserved some freedom, but all of you are making sense as well. Its just tough to take such a hard stance. I know its needed to make this marriage work though, im just scared. Its such an immense amount of pressure and a tough situation to even approach, especially when anger is already a factor. an MC is a must but before she is willing we have to get clear of everything thats ogin on now.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Hold on a second...

It is so possible that his wife is going through what many of us betrayed spouses deal with...not feeling that we can or even want to have intimacy with our cheating spouses again.

To be quite honest, I did not cheat on my husband with a revenge affair (or any kind of affair) and I don't know if I believe monogamy works either. I think that is rather normal.

I just want to make sure I have this nugget correct:

If you separate from your spouse due to his/her infidelity and are intimate with someone else you are also considered a cheater? Really?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

ProvidenceHusband said:


> I guess i just felt like, after what i put her through for years, she deserved some freedom, but all of you are making sense as well. Its just tough to take such a hard stance. I know its needed to make this marriage work though, im just scared. Its such an immense amount of pressure and a tough situation to even approach, especially when anger is already a factor. an MC is a must but before she is willing we have to get clear of everything thats ogin on now.



This all must be really confusing for you..

She is using your A as a tool. She is on the fence. But the A you had, and the separation to follow sounds like it did a number on her. Why is she giving your relationship another go when she does not have that "connection" with you anymore. What is it that she wants from you? You cannot change what you did. You cannot change how she feels. You have been trying for a year. She doesn't seem to forgive you. So what more does she want? 

Maybe she feels entitled to do as she pleases now. She does not want to fully work on the M. 

You have stated that you are very much attracted to her, more so than ever before. You've been there trying. The only thing that I can think of for her is she is playing head games. How much longer does she need to figure out whether she wants to contribute or not?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

ProvidenceHusband said:


> Is it really cheating if we are separated?


Yes. If you want to fvck other people then divorce. Just saying.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Yes. If you want to fvck other people then divorce. Just saying.


:iagree:

completely


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> It sounds like she is in an active affair and sees having sex with you as cheating on the OM.
> 
> She was obviously devastated by your cheating, but she chose to R and forgive you. But you haven't gotten R, all you are doing is living together.
> 
> ...


I honestly think that this is the most reasonable explanation of what is really happening. Don't confuse yourself, you did cheat but a revenge affair is the same, cheating, this isn't love. Why do you want to be in a relationship where there isn't love, its all an illusion. Bygones be bygones learn by your mistakes, if you R or not use this as a learning experience of what to do and what NOT to do. Do you like sharing your wife? I don't think I'd want to have sex with her anytime soon after learning that she's seeing someone else, and if she truly isn't mine, if her heart and attention is elsewhere forget that, too much self esteem here for that.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Yes. If you want to fvck other people then divorce. Just saying.


Or why get married in the first place?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

ProvidenceHusband said:


> I guess i just felt like, after what i put her through for years, she deserved some freedom, but all of you are making sense as well. Its just tough to take such a hard stance. I know its needed to make this marriage work though, im just scared. Its such an immense amount of pressure and a tough situation to even approach, especially when anger is already a factor. an MC is a must but before she is willing we have to get clear of everything thats ogin on now.


Lets get one simple fact straight, you messed up, you cheated. You having an affair is a result of your own choice, no fault on your spouse, you are completely to blame, but now that the tables have turned, you messed up BUT you are not responsible for her affair. You did not force her, you didn't "push" her, or leave an option of her cheating available. Why would she cheat, because you cheated? What a lame excuse for her to get herself sexed up. 

All her committment to the marriage is gone, you might as well be gone too unless you want R. True reconciliation must be attained with her having NO CONTACT with that man, and full mending on both parties because honestly, you're both messed up and you either have both of you put your marriage first and decide to R and be TRANSPARENT, or move on and save yourself from the torment of "half arsed" rebuilding on a shot foundation.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

How about you put it to her like this, ProvidenceHusband:

*"No sex, no marriage"*.

If you want to be a bit more subtle about it, phrase it this way

*"If we can't be exclusive to one another and be intimate emotionally and sexually, this marriage will not work, and I will not stay married to you"*.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Or why get married in the first place?


Thats a stupid and non-constructive comment.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

It just seems like the R is not truthful, and is not going to work right now. It seems like we rushed into it or she was pressured in to it before she was ready. She just has a TON of anger and resentment, I question if we will ever be able to work this out, and it seems as if she is not ready. I know she said she has panic attacks in the night being away from me and her son, that she wants to grow old with me and cant picture a life without out me and she loves me deeply, but maybe it took all this time for the wounds I inflicted on our marriage to finally come to the surface and its just too raw a situation to even touch right now. Every time I think I am achieving some clarity I just end up feeling even more confused and lost and heartbroken. I believe space is necessary but am I right in saying that space should be to heal and not to cause more damage? Or is she entitled to do what she likes during a separation because its part of the separation? I just want her to commit to making things work and she is just so full of anger and doubt.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Understand at this point space for her is ALL about having a free run to continue and escalate her affair.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

What is my other option, rush into a D?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

PH, there's a scene in 'Lawrence of Arabia' where T.E. Lawrence has to kill a man that he had previously saved from death. Afterwards, when asked how he felt, instead of the expected proclamation of remorse, his response was surprisingly: 'I liked it.'

I fear this is the situation with your wife. She LIKES having sex with other men. You have let the proverbial genie out the bottle and there's no putting it back. I don't see how your marriage can succeed with this kind of baggage.,


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ProvidenceHusband said:


> What is my other option, rush into a D?


Be THE MAN. Tell her she moves back, cuts ties with all the OMs, and you start behaving like a married couple. If she balks at that, giver her the papers to sign. That will focus her mind and you won't be left twisting in the wind. Be decisive and take command. Quit being Gamma and start showing some male dominance and territorialism. These things are attractive to women. Pull your head out and get some game.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Prov, she wants to have sex with other men and has even admitted to you that she wants to and has fantasized about it.

What exactly do you think she is gonna do if separate from her and leave her alone? Catch up on her reading? 

If you separate from her now your marriage will be 100% finished as she actively wants to see other men. If you give her that opportunity its field day again and she'll consider herself a single woman back on the market.

And a lot of guys like nothing more than a hot married woman who they don't have to worry about strings attached or getting her pregnant since to them her chump of husband will be picking up the 18 year tab, I.E you. 

It won't be long before she'll have another man in her bed if you give her the green light now. 

You gotta deliver the ultimatum. She gets back in the marriage without trying to sabotage it and BOTH OF YOU agree work on your issues as man and wife in counseling. 

If she disagrees then tell her to pack her bags cause you didn't agree to marrying a room mate.

To save your marriage, you need to be truly willing to let it go. 

If you don't come across like that to your wife, you're gonna be in for a false reconciliation with a predicted divorce after an extra 6-10 years of resentment, rugsweeping, blameshifting, arguing, etc.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why did you give her permission to have sex with other guys while you were separated?? You've already said you feel cheated on. It may be intellectually soothing to think of it as NOT cheating because you 'gave her permission', but the fact is, that isn't how it feels.

What was the purpose of your separation? If it was to get yourselves back on track in order to reconcile, what the sam hill was she doing even ASKING for permission to sleep around??


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Why did you give her permission to have sex with other guys while you were separated?? You've already said you feel cheated on. It may be intellectually soothing to think of it as NOT cheating because you 'gave her permission', but the fact is, that isn't how it feels.
> 
> What was the purpose of your separation? If it was to get yourselves back on track in order to reconcile, what the sam hill was she doing even ASKING for permission to sleep around??



To be perfectly honest: I dont know. When she said she wanted a separation part of that was being able to see other people and I knew what that meant. I did extensive reading on the damage of dating during that period of time, but also felt like I did not have the choice to disagree with her terms, after all it takes 2 people to make things work and if we were on that separate of pages then it seemed like taking some time apart or divorce were the only 2 options.

She is absolutely vehement about not sleeping with the guy and says it was purely a friendship and a crush for her. She is brutally honest with her fantasies, her fears, and her feelings thus far so I have to be inclined to believe her, only because she has yet to really give me a reason not to. She has been a straight shooter thus far, but that still does not change what my gut tells me and how I feel about it being an EA. 

As of right now we shared a bed, held hands while we fell asleep, and are taking baby steps. She is not ready to head full into the R in terms of MC and really putting hardcore effort in, I believe she is still coming to terms with my A and the emotional beating she took during my stint with PTSD and I feel as though she should be allowed some time to process that, even if she should have a year ago when the A came to light. 

I did lay the line down last night about contacting the guy and she agreed not to, he is moving away today anyways and will be in Spain and returning elsewhere in the country, which also leads me to believe it was a quick getaway for her and an experiment to see if I was what she really wanted, and she says she does not want a relationship with him and wants to be with me. 

There are mixed signals all around, and I know the steps to a proper and full R and that both parties have to dive in head first, I am just giving her time to be emotionally strong enough for that. I get what everyone is saying abotu a field day, I do not want to be a room-mate and I deserve the fun and the sex, I get all that and take it to heart. There will come a time very soon where we have a discussion like that, especially if things stay cold and distant and angry, but for the time being it seems like baby-steps are the way to go. Is this not a day to day process?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It is very much a day to day process, and I am glad you can be so honest with yourself about your true feelings when you separated. The only caution I want to give you is not to let her get away with another stunt like that. You need to draw your line in the sand and make it very clear what the consequences will be if she crosses it. And it sounds like you are in the process of doing that. You also need to let her draw her own line for you, and then do not cross that.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes it is a day to day process.

And she only dates you!

You guys both need counselling in the worst way.

Take charge, find a counsellor and take her out on a date.

Straight to the MC's office.

Take charge now and show her the new, improved husband.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ProvidenceHusband said:


> There are mixed signals all around, and I know the steps to a proper and full R and that both parties have to dive in head first, I am just giving her time to be emotionally strong enough for that. I get what everyone is saying abotu a field day, *I do not want to be a room-mate* and I deserve the fun and the sex, I get all that and take it to heart. There will come a time very soon where we have a discussion like that, especially if things stay cold and distant and angry, but for the time being it seems like baby-steps are the way to go. Is this not a day to day process?


No, not really. She is either sexually attracted to you or she's not. You can rebuild attraction, though. That's what those links are about in the post above. Get a copy of MMSL and NMMNG. Start learning game. Start upping your sex rank. You do not turn your wife on. That's pretty standard after 4-7 years (7 year itch). It's been documented. Evolution freaks think its blueprinted so women will move on to another man. Whatever. You can beat that tendency by showing that other women are attracted to you. Women take their attraction cues from other women, so if your wife thinks you can't get laid she won't want to have sex with you either. This is all Limbic stuff. Go to those links and start educating yourself. What you will find will sound preposterous, but women are not men and do not make sexual decisions in anything like the same way. Good luck.


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## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

The lack of sexual attraction is on a more emotional then physical level. I work in an industry where I am hit on and propositioned constantly, thats actually one of the issues in my marriage. I could have 10 different women a night (I understand that is a pompous statement, but plays a role) and I believe she thinks I am entertained by that notion as opposed to not giving an F, and just wanting her. I'm a stylish, physically attractive person so I dont think I need to up my "game" per se, in this instance its more of her feeling confident in my love for her, support, that I have pure intentions and will not fail her as a husband. 

Not everything in a persons sex life is black and white or about the more primal side of things, for a woman to feel that primal connection and want to be in the throws of a passionate love affair with her husband there has to be a certain level of mutual respect and trust, and thats whats lacking in my marriage first and foremost. We have had some great talks over the past few days and made some great steps already, thanks for the advice everyone. Signing up for this forum and talking to people who have been through similar situations was a great idea. We are definitely going to see an MC in our path to R and communication has been pretty open and honest thus far. I definitely made it known where i stand with the other guy, who turns out to just be a borderline EM and is not going to be in the picture anymore. 

This hardest part of this so far has been admitting to and accepting the role I played in all of this, and setting any feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt aside to really make clear decisions that were beneficial to the both of us. My biggest mistake was not giving her space from the get-go, before she had even met someone else, and proven to her that I was committed enough and respected her wishes. Thats a mistake I do not plan on making again.


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