# Men--husband lacks network and it affects us more than I thought



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Through counseling we've gotten much stronger in our marriage, he understand boundaries, he understands why he latched too closely onto friendships and how that it's not healthy for our marriage. I realize that I contribute to problems with my reactions. We both have issues to work on and we're definitely stronger than in the past. 

But, he doesn't have a network of friends and he says it's not a big deal, he'd like friends but he always had a hard time communicating with others and he's ok with just a little bit here and there. I think overall this will be a big problem....but what do I do? I have some friends but they're NOT "couple" friends. Guys don't easily make friends like women do. Many of his coworkers are women and so going down that road is not a great idea in my opinion (and he understands and agrees it won't help our marriage). So how do we FIX THIS?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Can he join some sort of clubs? Like, play a sport, or card games, or something like that? It can be a good way to meet other guys.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but the problem seems to be on YOUR side. If he wanted more friends, he'd find some. But you seem to think he needs more friends. 

My advice... Stop meddling in his social life. Either you work at finding more "couple friendly" friends, point him to MeetUp, give him reassurances that he can spend time out of the house with guy friends, and then let it go. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I think having male friends is healthy, but it's pretty common for men to feel alot less strongly about having a network of friends, or friends period, than women.

I work with men, and socialize with husbands in a group setting, and frankly that's sufficient for me.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't understand, first you were upset that he was too close to his friends and now you're upset that he doesn't have friends?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

MSP said:


> Can he join some sort of clubs? Like, play a sport, or card games, or something like that? It can be a good way to meet other guys.


Yes awhile ago he used to be part of a martial arts gym and enjoyed it and I know he would be happy to go back. He thinks we shouldn't spend the money now on it and that it wouldn't be fair to leave me w/both kids in the evening but I think he would be happier. I'm going to talk to him again about this. He doesn't have to go everyday, 1 or 2x/week is fine w/me...he used to go 2 or 3/week before.



PBear said:


> No offense, but the problem seems to be on YOUR side. If he wanted more friends, he'd find some. But you seem to think he needs more friends.
> 
> My advice... Stop meddling in his social life. Either you work at finding more "couple friendly" friends, point him to MeetUp, give him reassurances that he can spend time out of the house with guy friends, and then let it go.
> 
> ...


Point taken. I think he truly wants a network (when we visited my family (far from here) he enjoyed hanging out w/my cousins and feeling like we had a group to go do stuff with...he did mention it too). I think he's not good at talking to people and making friends and while he'll be "ok" not to, he would be happier to. You're right, I can't force it, I can't change him...I guess I just want him to be happier. I wish I could find more "couple" friends for us. It's not easy. 



NotTooSure said:


> Sounds like me, I basically have no friends. I know lots of people but there are no guys I just hang out with and talk too. I did join some clubs and played sports but neither got me any friends that I saw outside of those activities. I really couldn't even talk to anyone about anything outside of the activities either, they were all they to escape life not talk to others about it. The problem I have anyone I meet already have a close group of friends and don't have the time to make that group any larger. It is tough if you are older and no longer live in your home town.
> 
> However, I think I am fine with it. I will accept a friendship but if it doesn't happen, oh well.


Yep, sounds pretty familiar. He doesn't live in his hometown anymore and that makes a big difference. He is generally quieter and takes a lot for him to open up to people so he had friends and now it's nearly impossible for him to feel like that again. He did make friends at work before but because I felt like he focused on his one female friend too much (and he admitted that it's not good for our marriage to do that) he stopped being friends with her...of course his work 'group' is small so being involved with them is nearly impossible without being friends with 'her' again.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

John Lee said:


> I don't understand, first you were upset that he was too close to his friends and now you're upset that he doesn't have friends?


No I was fine that he was somewhat friends with people from work (occasionally did stuff out of work w/them). I wasn't ok that he was closest to one female coworker/friend...long story short after we had our first baby I saw that he was always checking her FB page out and it bothered me. I thought it was just disrespectful and maybe it was the timing (I literally had our baby like 2 weeks prior) but I didn't want him to invest his time in that friendship. Of course he works with her so that wasn't easy but since then they have become less of friends and now really just coworkers. We've gone to counseling to talk about communication etc and it came out that because his lack of friends and communication (his whole life, he family does not communicate well etc) he relied too much on one friendship...which I thought was going to be hurtful to us. He agreed that focusing mostly on one female coworker as a friend is not the best idea for us.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I don't understand, first you were upset that he was too close to his friends and now you're upset that he doesn't have friends?


I agree, what is the problem and why is there a problem? :scratchhead:


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Ah, so it was a female "friend." That makes all the difference. Understood.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> No I was fine that he was somewhat friends with people from work (occasionally did stuff out of work w/them). I wasn't ok that he was closest to one female coworker/friend...long story short after we had our first baby I saw that he was always checking her FB page out and it bothered me. I thought it was just disrespectful and maybe it was the timing (I literally had our baby like 2 weeks prior) but I didn't want him to invest his time in that friendship. Of course he works with her so that wasn't easy but since then they have become less of friends and now really just coworkers. We've gone to counseling to talk about communication etc and it came out that because his lack of friends and communication (his whole life, he family does not communicate well etc) he relied too much on one friendship...which I thought was going to be hurtful to us. He agreed that focusing mostly on one female coworker as a friend is not the best idea for us.


Okay, yeah well an EA is obviously not appropriate and not what your first post sounded like. So has he never had friends then? Why was that okay when you met but not now?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

MissFroggie said:


> Okay, yeah well an EA is obviously not appropriate and not what your first post sounded like. So has he never had friends then? Why was that okay when you met but not now?


I'm not sure I understand your question...


But yes he had friends when we met in college, he had friends in his hometown too. They were friends but he never went out of his way to keep in touch or anything so now that we live somewhere else, those friends are not nearby. This wasn't an issue before because he had friends.


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## RoyR (Jan 28, 2014)

I'm kinda in the same boat for a couple reasons:
1. I do expect my "friends" to be ON TIME.
2. I really only want to be friends with people who do the activities I do, and not many 50 year olds can keep up with me....

It is important to have a network of friends, I just got a job, but the non-existence of a network was a handicap.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I can relate to your husband, to a certain degree. I've been working at rebuilding my social network since becoming single. But aside from giving him suggestions like volunteering, joining MeetUp or other social groups (Toastmasters, Knights of Columbus, etc), or sports, there's not much I can suggest. He either has to take an active interest in developing his network, or it's obviously not that big of a problem to him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> So how do we FIX THIS?


What are you trying to fix?


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

Just my personal experience...
#1 I decided I need to be able to open up to guys so I changed from a female to a male counselor

#2 I joined a NG support group and read NMMNG. Turned out I was actually afraid of being genuine and thought all guys were the same.

#3 I decided that my best friend from HS (who was far away) would be a good person to be more in touch with. I called him and told him a little and holy crap he told me a LOT. And he needed someone to talk to as well.

#4 I come onto TAM and share with internet strangers who don't know me from Adam. I could be your next door neighbor or 1,000 miles away.

#5 I found meetup groups I could socialize with that had similar interests.

#6 If I found myself getting too invested in a female, I made sure she and my wife met and that I had good boundaries.

In my case, the results have been pretty good.

Somewhere in an incident similar to your husband and his coworker, I lost a little piece of myself. My wife's concerns made me withdraw too much and I stopped helping people. This is a part of who I am. I had to explain that to her and get her comfortable with it and make sure we both understood how far my "helping" could go.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

CaptainLOTO said:


> Just my personal experience...
> #1 I decided I need to be able to open up to guys so I changed from a female to a male counselor
> 
> #2 I joined a NG support group and read NMMNG. Turned out I was actually afraid of being genuine and thought all guys were the same.
> ...



This is REALLY helpful. I might share your response with him.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

You sound just like my wife and this hits really close to home. I was driving about 20 minutes each way, 2-3 times a week for Tae Kwo- Do classes a couple years ago. Loved it. Chance to exercise and get out some aggression in sparring.

Wifey wanted me home more. So eventually I started going less. Then I decided it wasn't worth the money of I wasn't going on my usual schedule. So I quit. Now she says, 'You should get in involved in something like TKD or another sport.' I'm left puzzled and frustrated.

She says I need more friends. I say "why?" If I wanted them, I'd have them. I actually do have a number of friends. But since I'm not in HighSchool anymore I don't have to see them daily. We see each other or catch up at random. But when w need something we all know we're all there. 

So my advice... The female friend thing was clearly an issue. So he needs to stay clear of female friends and in turn you steer clear of males out of respect for fair play. Beyond that, he's a grown man. Leave it alone. 

PS - If you'd like him to return to Martial Arts, then just offer it up and put no stipulations. You're ok with 1-2 times a week. He want's 2-3 then he should go 2-3 times. Otherwise he'll likely consider it too expensive for the return. For me it was a regular 2 nights a week with 3 classes. I had belt and sparring back to back. Sometimes I opted a 3rd night to spread them out or to get into a smaller class. But if you say 'You can do x. But on these terms.', then he's tuned you out because he wants to do it on HIS terms because it's HIS life and HIS activity.


Sorry... Sore subject for me at the moment so that may have seemed a little personal or raw.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Malpheous said:


> You sound just like my wife and this hits really close to home. I was driving about 220 minutes each way, 2-3 times a week for Tae Kwo- Do classes a couple years ago. Loved it. Chance to exercise and get out some aggression in sparring.


I hope the driving time is a typo?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I hope the driving time is a typo?


lol oops 20 minutes


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