# Feel sick over marriage can someone respond?



## mmzgirl (Jul 13, 2012)

Always thinking about marriage ending. I fell out of love with my husband of 13 years. He was emotionally abusive and I shut down inside my head. The feelings aren't there anymore and I don't feel like trying. The worst part I can think of is having to tell the kids, finding a place to stay since my husband won't leave. Being alone without the kids when he sees them. He is in counseling but it hasn't changed my feelings, they just shut down. It is hard to imagine ever being happy or even the future being bright at all. He was so much a part of that. I know there are so many sad stories on here and mine is just one of many. I saw a counselor today and she helped. I keep falling back to square one and can't stop thinking about it. The only thing that seems to provide some relief s crying. I am scared to talk with him about us separating, the last time he convinced me to work on it but I went through the motions for a while but deep down I knew I wanted it to end. So many times he disappointed me by yelling at me in front of the kids or mistreating me. It started last December when I told him to not to give me cards anymore since he as hrt me so many times I didn't believe all the compliments he gave me in the cards. He seemed to sort of laugh at that or not believe it. I should have forced him out a long time ago then maybe he would have taken me seriously and I would not have gotten to this point. All I can do is cry, I work for the school system and have to go back to work in August, I need to function. I can't be excited about it due to all my saddness. I am an honest person but can't live a lie. The most happiest part of my life is gone, having a family together made me so happy, that was all I wanted. I worked so hard to become a licensed therapist myself and now I don't even feel like doing it. If someone could please respond I would appreciate it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

So sorry for your pain. I think that you are on the right track going to a counselor yourself. Some things to consider:

- Is this your DHs first attempt at counseling? If yes, give it some time to start working for him - maybe.

- Is the focus of your DHs counseling anger management? 

- If yes, does it include learning how to better communicate? 

- How long has he been in counseling?

Change like this takes a long time. I'm an optimist, so always lean towards working things out. If you really love and want to be with him, give it some time so that you can start seeing improvement from him. But also continue your own counseling so that you can learn ways to manage your stress. You may also learn ways to communicate better, to avoid setting him on the defensive (which may be where his anger comes from).


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## mmzgirl (Jul 13, 2012)

No we have had counseling before, I regret not pushing to keep going to it, it would get better for a while and then go back to how things were. I went to a therapist recently and told her I don't feel like trying and she said maybe it just went past a point of no return. I have constant anxiety about the decision to separate, camt stop thinking about it.I saw my parents in emotionally abusive state growing up and always swore it would never happen to me. Now here I am . I never thought I would be in this position, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or even if there is a light, imam very depressed about all of this. It seems every positive feeling with him was met with hurt, every bit of closeness I felt with him was met with hurt. I know my husband blames me about what is happening now, I have tried to change my feelings about it but can't. My therapist said your feelings are your feelings. Every moment of time I spend thinking about it, I know that can't be healthy.
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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I believe she said she's lost all those feelings, so why suggest she work it out? Sounds like he has mistreated her and doesn't show signs of improvement. Also sounds like she's expressed this to her husband before with no changes.

Life is too short to live that way. Get your ducks in a row and talk to a lawyer. Make plans to move out, if you cannot stay in the house. If you feel he may get violent when you tell him, either do it by phone or have a relative with you. But if he's treating you this way and all feelings are gone, it is probably best to.try to start rebuilding your life. Sounds like he has sucked the life out of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You didn't say anything about setting your husband on the defensive, did you? Don't you just love it for people to use their imagination to add to your story and blame you for the problems your husband caused? 

What you describe is very common - both your husband's actions and your reaction to him. In fact, the number 1 complaint among women on this board (and all the websites like this one) is how badly their husband treats them. So, there are an abundance of complaints just like yours. And, the affect it has on women is very often just like yours. What happens is the same hormones, called pheromones, that attracted you to your husband and him to you caused an inverse reaction to his ill treatment of you. The result is usually that women become disgusted by even the thought of their husband touching them. So now, instead of loving him, being attracted to him, and being hopeful for the future of the marriage, he has made you lose love for him, be repulsed by him, and no longer want to continue the marriage. This is very common. It is also very common for you to be sad at the realization that it's over and wish things could be different - wish it could be the way it used to be. Your sadness and crying is you mourning the loss of the marital relationship and mourning the loss of all your hopes and dreams for it's future. What you are going through is normal, so don't let anyone make you feel even worse about it. You are not to blame.

What you need is to force yourself out of your depressing sadness. Force yourself to do things you really don't think you feel like doing. They will make you feel better. Make plans with friends, even if it's just to go see a movie or have lunch. Take the kids to the zoo and amusement park. You are hating the idea of going back to work, but that will be a blessing because you need to occupy yourself and your mind. Doing all these things you don't feel like doing will have a positive affect to bit by bit get your mind off your sadness and clear your head so you can think straight. Only then will you be able to make a final decision because as long as you wallow in this sad state, you will not be able to move forward, not in the marriage nor to make the decision to get out of it.

You need to read up on verbal and emotional abuse and abusive men so you understand what you have been going through. There are lots of websites, books, and articles on the subject. Here are a couple........

Why Does He Do That? (Inside The Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men
An Excerpt from Why Does He Do That
Romeo Is Bleeding (When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong)


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

When was the last time he hurt you? And how long did it go on during your marriage? 

It's been a year since my H last put his hands on me and before that it was a series of issues. I have a hard time believing his words... In the cards, on texts, etc. I am still trying to figure out what the outcome of my marriage will be. It is to a point where it is satisfying on many levels, but mentally I am still not there. I am continuing to work on this... And its only been a year so I am doing my best to keep my entire future in mind, and if my H is truly done continuing to hurt me, perhaps one day I can feel 100% unconditional love for him again and open my entire self back up to him, he knows all this. And he is being patient and supportive and he is doing what he can to help ease my fears... he knows what he has done, he knows how bad he hurt me. I do think he is sincere in his apologies, but sometimes I feel like he should do more... There is nothing more he can do, it is on me now.

Of course the uncertainty of him not fvcking up again is there.. will he hurt me again etc. 

I am still attracted to my H. That has helped.. but sometimes he walks through the door and I see nothing but the a$$hole that hurt me so bad. It is a lot of work...I'm still trying.. I don't know the outcome. I can only work on me and determine if I can sincerely get past it. I plan on giving it a few years myself.. my living environment is no longer unbearable.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You may not want to hear what I have to say, but your story sounds like my wife about a year and a half ago. It may or may not apply, so take this with a grain of salt.

She shocked me with the D word on Feb, 2011. She was blaming me for everything that made her unhappy. In the end we are all responsible for our own happiness. Suddenely the 5% bad things that happened between us became 95% of what she thought about. She built up a huge resentment towards me about these 5% bad moments. 

She seperated for 4 months and we did weekly MC. The seperation and limboland of not knowing was hell. Almost everyone we knew was shocked thinking we had a good marriage, me included.

She moved back in March of this year and things are back to loving, with some work to do still.

In the end the one thing that fit nearly everything she was saying and doing fit the mold of a mid-life crisis. I have a link below of the MLC for dummies and it was pretty much what I witnessed. It is a fog that causes the sufferer to blame the spouse for their unhappiness.

Again this may or may not apply, but something to consider. If so, IC and MC should help.

Have patience and I wish you and your family all the best out come!!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

This is me said:


> You may not want to hear what I have to say, but your story sounds like my wife about a year and a half ago. It may or may not apply, so take this with a grain of salt.
> 
> She shocked me with the D word on Feb, 2011. She was blaming me for everything that made her unhappy. In the end we are all responsible for our own happiness. Suddenely the 5% bad things that happened between us became 95% of what she thought about. She built up a huge resentment towards me about these 5% bad moments.
> 
> ...


Were you abusive to your wife too? The OP's story sounds nothing like a mid life crisis... She explains that she is the victim of an abusive person. 

He may be working on himself, hard to tell in her post, but she says he's in counseling. However her love for him has diminished and the hurt he inflicted due to the abuse could very well be beyond repair.... The OP does not give a timeline for how long this went on and how long she has been trying to forgive him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mmzgirl said:


> AIt started last December when I told him to not to give me cards anymore since he as hrt me so many times I didn't believe all the compliments he gave me in the cards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With your experience in counseling you should know that saying what you did, the way you did doesn't move the conversation or relationship forward in any positive way.

It's a pure out and out challenge to which there is no possible response that doesn't end in fights or hurt feelings. 

I know that this is only one example of what you are dealing with, but if it's a general example of how the two of you are communicating - then it's time to step back a change the game plan.

Let me digress to an example. Actors doing improv are taught to never say "No", because it just shuts down the thread and leaves the rest of the group nowhere to go. It stops the improv cold. Instead they are taught "Say yes, but take it in a new direction". 

Example: 
#1- Hey bud, you are you really going to the mall wearing your PJs?

if he says no, the thread just dies. Instead he responds with

#2 - Yes, I want to try out new pillows and I though this would put me in the right mood.

--

My point is to totally avoid throwing out statements and comments and even requests for which there are no possible right answers. It doesn't make you happy, it doesn't make anyone happy.

---

If your husand is in IC it shows he is trying to improve. Have you considered joining him at any of his IC sessions?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Were you abusive to your wife too? The OP's story sounds nothing like a mid life crisis... She explains that she is the victim of an abusive person.


Thats what I was thinking as well. This is about mistreatment not a mid life crisis.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Well, I though this site was a place to share ideas, so I shared mine. If responders don't like my idea, then just please forget about it, no need to try to correct my idea or imply I'm blaming. She wrote a "paragraph" - not her life's story. There are ALWAYS things left unsaid and some things not even relized by someone going through there own situation. And using less than optimal communication methods is VERY common.

MMZ, I was NOT blaming you. Please forgive me if I gave you that impression!


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> With your experience in counseling you should know that saying what you did, the way you did doesn't move the conversation or relationship forward in any positive way.
> 
> It's a pure out and out challenge to which there is no possible response that doesn't end in fights or hurt feelings.
> 
> ...


I'm glad to see I'm not the only one bringing up communication skills.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Were you abusive to your wife too? The OP's story sounds nothing like a mid life crisis... She explains that she is the victim of an abusive person.
> 
> He may be working on himself, hard to tell in her post, but she says he's in counseling. However her love for him has diminished and the hurt he inflicted due to the abuse could very well be beyond repair.... The OP does not give a timeline for how long this went on and how long she has been trying to forgive him.


Abusive? We argued, which can be described as abusive. I could have called her abusive then too. I was no more abusive than anyone else in a relationship that had a bumpy road from time to time, but in her mind having an arguement / heated disagreement never happened in a good marriage.

The MLC causes the sufferer to rewrite history and make things much larger than they may have been. As I stated, take it with a grain of salt.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

This is me said:


> Abusive? We argued, which can be described as abusive. I could have called her abusive then too. I was no more abusive than anyone else in a relationship that had a bumpy road from time to time, but in her mind having an arguement / heated disagreement never happened in a good marriage.
> 
> The MLC causes the sufferer to rewrite history and make things much larger than they may have been. As I stated, take it with a grain of salt.


You're right and I hope the OP will be back to answer some of the questions and perhaps elaborate on the emotional abuse she has suffered. For myself, the abuse I suffered at the hands and heart of my H was extreme. And I myself am still trying to determine if the damage is too great to ever completely let go and enjoy where we are now... Still a work in progress.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Cat3CatGirl said:


> Well, I though this site was a place to share ideas, so I shared mine. If responders don't like my idea, then just please forget about it, no need to try to correct my idea or imply I'm blaming. She wrote a "paragraph" - not her life's story. There are ALWAYS things left unsaid and some things not even relized by someone going through there own situation. And using less than optimal communication methods is VERY common.
> 
> MMZ, I was NOT blaming you. Please forgive me if I gave you that impression!


Cat3CatGirl, there have been a couple times on this board that I humbly asked people not to respond to the abused OP (of those threads, not this one. For example, one guy suggested the OP tell her husband to leave. The woman described terrible examples of all kinds of abuse, particularly how aggressive and physical her husband is. That member didn't mean any harm either and thought he was being helpful, but telling her husband to leave could have gotten her killed.) because of how I have been taught (through counseling, studying, and being a former victim myself) how to respond to abused women. Yes, it is very often we extricate from between the lines of what is written, but not in cases of abuse. You didn't mean it, and I apologize for pointing it out and making you defensive, but blaming the victim is what you did. You didn't mean any harm and no doubt you meant to be helpful. You just don't know how to respond to someone in her situation. So, I pointed it out in a critical way to make sure she didn't feel at fault for her situation and to let her know she truly is heard. 

You're not the only one. Another member minimized her experience as being all in her head and just some Mid Life Crisis she is going through. The problem is those are the kinds of dismissive (as she noted her husband did) attitudes abused women experience at home by their abuser. Abusers always blameshift, minimize, and/or dismiss - anything they can to invalidate their victim and her concerns to make her appear the one at fault - to make her think she deserves to be mistreated. And then, you suggested she may be doing something to make him defensive, thereby justifying his mistreatment. See what I mean? 

It's a very touchy subject for anyone who is abused, and there are right and wrong ways to respond to them. They need understanding, support, good advice, to be taken seriously, and not to be judged because they are in a very precarious state as it is mentally and emotionally. This is one situation (any abusive situations) where opinions, although well-intentioned, are not useful and can be very harmful. Before responding in the future, please read up on it at the Domestic Violence Hotline website to learn a little better how to respond to distraught members like mmzgirl, who express their circumstances of abuse and their feelings.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is also the risk of overreacting when a poster says the abuse. This does not sound like she is currently suffering in an abusive relationship, she wrote the he HAD been emotionally abusve and has been in therapy working on improving himself. The gist I got was her feeling that no tater what he has improved, there is nothing he can now do. She can't forgive him regardless of any remorse or effort on his part.

Clearly if a poster is bring currently abused different responses would be appropriate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> There is also the risk of overreacting when a poster says the abuse. This does not sound like she is currently suffering in an abusive relationship, she wrote the he HAD been emotionally abusve and has been in therapy working on improving himself. The gist I got was her feeling that no tater what he has improved, there is nothing he can now do. She can't forgive him regardless of any remorse or effort on his part.
> 
> Clearly if a poster is bring currently abused different responses would be appropriate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This does not correct, reverse, or dismiss what I stated. That's what I mean about people's opinions. It isn't for anyone to decide how to respond to an abused victim based on the past or present status of the abuse. They still need understanding, support, good advice, to be taken seriously, and not to be judged. It is never appropriate response to blame the victim, which is what I was talking about. Nor is it appropriate for you to minimize the feelings she now has as result of the abuse just because you feel she should be over it since the abuse is over (you think). She still suffers from PTSD as result of the abuse, which she may never get over. Also, he has destroyed the feelings she once had for him, which I noted in my first response. She is justified however she feels and deserves respect and to be validated. There is no such thing as overreacting when respect and validation are offered in the forms of understanding, support, good advice, taking her seriously, and refraining from judgment.......and not minimizing her feelings and determining the responses she deserves based on the time frame of her abuse.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Shaggy said:


> There is also the risk of overreacting when a poster says the abuse. This does not sound like she is currently suffering in an abusive relationship, she wrote the he HAD been emotionally abusve and has been in therapy working on improving himself. The gist I got was her feeling that no tater what he has improved, there is nothing he can now do. She can't forgive him regardless of any remorse or effort on his part.
> 
> Clearly if a poster is bring currently abused different responses would be appropriate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't matter that the abuse may be over. Depending on several factors, some levels of ANY type of abuse can scar one for life. Even the kind you might minimize... Emotional abuse can be so severe that it can leave a victim with PTSD. Yes, it might be over but the effects are still there. It doesn't erase the pain it created. Kind of like a physical affair. In fact this is eerily similar to someone trying to overcome being betrayed by their spouses affair.. only this "affair" is "emotional abuse". Same concept, some people can't or won't get over the betrayal, others do. Several variables why.


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