# Covid-19 Blues



## cornflower (Aug 22, 2020)

Hi there, new here

I am (almost) at the point where I'm considering separating from my husband of 20 years when the pandemic is over. I’m not there yet, because I’m not sure if my frustration is due to being cooped up in the house for 6 months with him, or if frustrations and resentments I've had for years and otherwise ignored have finally come to the surface. The other problem is that I’ve been undergoing treatment for cancer, and if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even know I had it — he noticed something was wrong and urged me to go get it checked out. And I did, and it turned out to be something that could have been MUCH worse if he hadn’t noticed it or if I had waited. The good news is that I’m almost done with treatment and my chances of a full recovery are extremely high, but I keep thinking that if he hadn’t noticed or urged me, I don’t know where I’d be. In other words, I feel like I “owe” him to stay with him because he in essence did save my life. Of course, due to the pandemic and undergoing cancer treatment, I'm now extremely high-risk, so I can't go anywhere — I only go to doctors' appointments, infusions, or get bloodwork done because if I get infected with COVID I probably will need to be immediately hospitalized and may not survive it. So that's fun.

But the fact is, HE DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. I feel like I’m constantly cleaning up after him. I’ll clean because I am a neat freak, (yes, even though I have cancer – it’s how I was raised), and then he comes home and it’s like the freaking Tasmanian Devil walked through the house. I'm constantly nagging on him to pick up his socks and underwear from the floor and to wipe down the kitchen counters when he's done! He gets better for a while but then he slips back into old habits and then I have to play the "cancer card" which I don't like to do. He is forgetful sometimes and has a form of ADHD where he talks CONSTANTLY, so much so that it is off-putting to people who don’t know him, and he interrupts people all the time. He is always trying to “talk” to me: about the news, politics, whatever, and even though I have to tell him that I cannot pay attention to him because I'm working/reading/etc. HE STILL TALKS. I have even literally walked away from him at times AND HE WILL STILL KEEP TALKING.

Also, he can be quite overbearing. He is constantly on my back because of what I eat, if I exercise or not, if I’m getting enough sleep, if I’ve been outside, how much wine I drink. I tell him to “back off” and that I’m fine, and he says he’s just “being concerning and caring,” but it is getting on my nerves. I’m starting to hide stuff from him, like the food I eat and stuff that I buy online, which I hate doing, just so I don’t have to hear his lectures or commentary or “his concern.”

We also don’t’ sleep together anymore because of snoring issues, and don’t even get me started on our sex life, which is pretty non-existent, so I'm pretty lonely, and the pandemic has compounded it. Another thing that I have tried to “gently” address with him is his body odor. When he comes home from a workout, he reeks, and it is absolutely ungodly. I’ve never encountered BO like this before. It’s to the point that I cannot be around him until he showers because he smells so bad, and I cannot get the smell out of the laundry. It’s absolutely revolting, and I hate saying it, but it is a HUGE turnoff for me.

Lastly, I’m also incredibly resentful because he did not start saving for retirement until much later on in our marriage, despite asking him repeatedly for years to get something started, whereas I have saved since my late 20’s even before we got married. I have a nice nest-egg saved in accounts that are in MY name, but he’s always talking as if it was HIS money too, and how we have to do something with "OUR" money, and I then remind him that it’s MY money – I WORKED FOR IT, I EARNED IT, and I SAVED IT – NOT HIM. He was the one who decided to put off saving for retirement because he switched jobs a lot and took his time trying to “establish a career and a business,” but the way I see it IT’S MY MONEY, and I will be the one to decide what to do with it.

So, here I am, stuck at home due to a pandemic, with a man who drives me insane. He’s not a bad person, he’s very caring, he’s a great provider, he can be very loving and sweet, and with my cancer, he has stepped up and taken over things I used to do. He’s never been abusive to me or been dishonest, but I just feel like we are two different people, and I want different things out of life than he does. I know a lot of his overbearing behavior is fear because of my diagnosis, that he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me. I’m afraid to talk to my family, because they don’t particularly care for him, and they will just say “Oh well, told you so.” I don’t feel comfortable talking to my friends because I’m afraid it will get back to him, so I just keep my anger, frustrations, and loneliness all to myself. I’m also afraid of what will happen when I do rip the band-aid off and tell him how I’m feeling. But then I think I should give it a chance and see what happens with my treatment and the pandemic and if we can maybe do counseling to work things out. I’m worried about the financial implications if I should move out, who will take our pets, how I can afford a lawyer? It’s just a mess. I don’t know what to do. Should I stick it out or should I go?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That kind of body odour can be treated, obviously doctor's appointments are not happening due to COVID-19, but it's something for the future. I would also suggest counselling, too.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow. Wow, so many issues here.

First off, slow down the leaving/breaking up/divorce thinking until after Covid. 99% of the public feels the same way right now. We cannot enjoy our normal stress outlets and the people we used to spend 5 hr a day with are IN OUR FACE 24 hours a day now. Calm down. Things will go back to normal "soon".

You say he's a good provider. You say he's concerned about your bad habits (eating, etc) and that he was good at helping you through your cancer (Good hubby, good). Sounds like a good partner.

You say he works out (good healthy hubby) but that he has a BO problem. I agree that that is really gross, but I think you should talk to him (LOTS) about it and find a deodorant that works for his particular body chemistry. I wouldnt dump his loving ass over such a trivial thing, unless he actually Refused to care or try something different.

Bottom line, EVERYONE is stressed the F out over covid and what it's doing to our social interactions. It sound to me like your darling husband really cares about you and has supported you through your cancer scare and treatment. Explain to him that his hygiene is a Serious turnoff, and hinders your ability to see the love and care he has for you. I think he probably doesn't want to disgust you, and you guys can probably work this out.

This pandemic has everyone on edge. It has definitely affected the way I deal with my parents (living separate) and household (wife and son). Slow down. Take a breath. Go deodorant shopping and tell him what smells "sexy" to you. 

We'll get through this.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

I believe covid will be the final nail in the coffin of many marriages. I’m sure stats will show an increase in divorces. It definitely affected mine. Stress isn’t just a health hazard. Not just being with your spouse constantly, but NOT being able to do other individual things you enjoyed doing (girl’s night out, going to the gym, etc) that gave you needed time from your spouse, kids, etc.


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

He sounds pretty amazing to me. He clearly cares deeply about your health. His own as well. He's stepped up to the plate with the cancer diagnosis. He talks because of adhd.. Can't hold that against him and I assume you knew that when you married? As far as messiness that's not a deal breaker for me, if my guy drops something I know it'll stay on the floor lol. I dunno... Your grass sounds pretty green. I'd get some earplugs and snuggle up to that ****** tonight. Tell him you appreciate how much he cares for you. Try to remember what made you fall for him in the first place and focus there. I'm not saying this cooped up thing isnt easy for everyone but it is temporary, the cancee treatments are temporary, and I hope life starts to feel normal for you soon. Until then look for positives, I just know there are some, and keep your focus there. It sure does sound like you have a keeper.


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## cornflower (Aug 22, 2020)

Thank you all so much for your perspective on this. I feel much better. I agree that the pandemic is multiplying frustrations x1000 and that all things considered, my situation could be much worse. He is annoying as hell, but he is a good person, so I'll hold firm for the time being. I'm hoping that things can return to "normal" soon, but from the things I've heard (I work for a health organization) it's likely to get worse, so it's going to be quite a while. I'm looking into doing some online volunteering with the upcoming election and the cancer center I go to offers virtual counseling that I might sign up for. Really appreciate all your input. In the meantime, I also found some laundry detergent that's supposed to work wonders on smelly laundry.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cornflower said:


> Hi there, new here
> 
> I am (almost) at the point where I'm considering separating from my husband of 20 years when the pandemic is over. I’m not there yet, because I’m not sure if my frustration is due to being cooped up in the house for 6 months with him, or if frustrations and resentments I've had for years and otherwise ignored have finally come to the surface. The other problem is that I’ve been undergoing treatment for cancer, and if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even know I had it — he noticed something was wrong and urged me to go get it checked out. And I did, and it turned out to be something that could have been MUCH worse if he hadn’t noticed it or if I had waited. The good news is that I’m almost done with treatment and my chances of a full recovery are extremely high, but I keep thinking that if he hadn’t noticed or urged me, I don’t know where I’d be. In other words, I feel like I “owe” him to stay with him because he in essence did save my life. Of course, due to the pandemic and undergoing cancer treatment, I'm now extremely high-risk, so I can't go anywhere — I only go to doctors' appointments, infusions, or get bloodwork done because if I get infected with COVID I probably will need to be immediately hospitalized and may not survive it. So that's fun.
> 
> ...


He knows all this right? You are not being a good spouse if this is all going to be a surprise to him. Now if he does know and hasn't done anything then I think you have a right to feel the way you do.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

cornflower said:


> I also found some laundry detergent that's supposed to work wonders on smelly laundry


Try powdered dishwasher machine detergent. I use it to wash my husband's underneath t-shirts and my dog's bed. It works! 

Have some patience, you are not the only one going through a rough patch. I love my family but they drive me insane sometimes. 

Hang in there. Good luck!


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

In most jurisdictions, your husband will be entitled to half the amount of any money in your retirement account that was earned during the marriage.


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## cornflower (Aug 22, 2020)

sokillme said:


> He knows all this right? You are not being a good spouse if this is all going to be a surprise to him. Now if he does know and hasn't done anything then I think you have a right to feel the way you do.


he knows MOST of my frustrations, as I have communicated them to him several times over the years.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

You lost me at “MY MONEY.”

I’ll never understand how a married couple justifies separation of bank accounts. Sounds like living together more than marriage.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Mylehigh said:


> You lost me at “MY MONEY.”
> 
> I’ll never understand how a married couple justifies separation of bank accounts. Sounds like living together more than marriage.


It's pretty common in 2nd marriages.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

cornflower said:


> he knows MOST of my frustrations, as I have communicated them to him several times over the years.


Are any frustrations he doesn't know about among the most troubling to you?


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