# Sexually not on the same page...



## Pwrsld (Aug 23, 2015)

I guess this is easiest to explain chronologically, so I'll try to be brief.

I was in 3 fairly serious relationships prior to getting married (all lasted for around 2 or more years). The sex ranged from really good in my first sexually active relationship, to decent, to completely mind blowing in the last before I got married. The last girl I dated was incredibly attractive, a bit younger than me, and from a very different background. Our personalities clashed, but in bed no fantasy was off limits (trying not to be to descriptive but still get the info out, anal was something I always wanted to try before dating her, and she made it part of our regular sex life. We did it in exciting places, any position... Etc etc).

Anyway, after we broke up I started courting my to-be wife. The better part of a year it took me to get her to agree to be my girlfriend. She was a virgin, waiting for marriage, and I was ok with that. We messed around some in our engagement, but no actual sex till marriage. All this time she talked about fantasies and how sexual she wanted to be... Let's just say I had a lot of hype built up.

Fast forward a few years: we have been married for over 2 years and our sex life, what there is of it, is pretty mild.
Well, there always seems to be a reason she's not in the mood. Once we start she gets into it and says we need to do it more often, but that never comes out. And since we don't do it very often, we don't try new things a whole lot either.
Now we've had the fantasy conversations and suggestions on spicing things up... This is how it's gone:

We've tried anal a few times (and I appreciate that she tried), and though she enjoyed it once or twice, we go so long Inbetween having sex that it's like starting all over, and she doesn't enjoy it. So, though it remains something that excites me, I don't bring it up because I know she isn't on the same page and don't want to pressure her into things she doesn't enjoy.

I've talked about how I'd like her to initiate sex more. Being woken up to a bj, or coming home to her in something sexy... Well in 2 years of marriage I can count on 1 hand the number of times either of those have happened.

I've said I'd like to do it in different places, and we've done a few, but not much.

I tell her what I think is sexy for her to wear, even buy her things, but then she never wears it. She will even try it on before we go out, then change because she thinks it's too revealing (I see more revealing clothes on girls in church...).

She and I both agree we'd like more spontaneity, but she has to spend a half hour in the bathroom "freshening up" before we can do anything... So that pretty much kills any hope for that.

I've listened to her too. I've bought briefs instead of boxers. I think they are uncomfortable, but she says they turn her on. Yet it makes little difference.

She says "I'm the man, I need to take charge and come on to her", yet every time I do I get avoided or shot down outright. Which makes me not want to do it.

I've used cologne she likes, let her pick out deodorant I wear, take her on romantic dates to things like opera and plays, music festivals, art galleries (and she will generally get tipsy, start coming on to be strong, then fall asleep on the drive home).

She even suggested we watch porn together and we had the best sex of our marriage, and had it many times that night and next morning. Seemed like things would get better, then she decided she felt guilty about watching porn and we haven't done it since. Talk about getting hopes up...

Anyway, I hardly ever push the issue anymore. But it seems memories of past partners jump into my mind more and more often and other girls catch my eye more frequently. I love my wife very much, and would never be untrue. Aside from the sex, our marriage is great. But she gets mad when she sees me look at another girl and I know it would hurt her if she knew I thought about my past... It just seems to be getting more difficult for me and I feel I am getting more cynical about it (specially when comparing the outlook of my sex life now compared to what it was).

Anyone have any suggestions on this? I don't really know where to go from here.

Thanks

-B


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's not too late to divorce her and start over. If you are sexually incompatible, it usually gets worse - seldom better. Is that how you want the rest of your life to play out?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

People don't change fundamentally as adults. You have to decide if you can be happy or not. Think instead of 2 years, what 20 will feel like.

The choice is yours.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Let's take the worst case scenario and say this will never get better other than maybe short spurts (he he), and she just can't be the woman you want her to be sexually.

Would you eventually divorce over this?

If yes, then push the envelope and push it hard, and push it now. (I can expand on that if the answer is yes, you would eventually leave...I don't mean being pushy like a jerk...I mean push the idea that you could walk over this).

If no, then you are going to have to focus on other areas in your life besides your sex life so that you can be happy. If you are never willing to leave, but you are going to stay focused on getting more and better sex, this will only lead to depression and resentment.

After reading thousands of similar stories, I'm just reporting to you what normally comes of a situation like yours.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is one of the problems with marrying a virgin in these times. Given today's hypersexualized environment, most girls who are interested in sex aren't virgins for very long after reaching legal age. Or to put it another way, one who is willing to wait is unlikely to be very interested in sex.


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## Pwrsld (Aug 23, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> It's not too late to divorce her and start over. If you are sexually incompatible, it usually gets worse - seldom better. Is that how you want the rest of your life to play out?


I'll pass on that Advice thanks. I made a commitment that I take seriously. Do I want things to be better in this area? Of course. Am I willing to end my marriage because of it? No. Half of what's wrong with this country today is people's unwillingness to work things out... I'm the child of divorced parents who got married and divorced from their second spouses. There is no joy or happiness in it, a few ever find what they were looking for after divorce because the problem is within. Abuse and infidelity are the exceptions, otherwise it's not an option.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Pwrsld said:


> I'll pass on that Advice thanks. I made a commitment that I take seriously. Do I want things to be better in this area? Of course. Am I willing to end my marriage because of it? No. Half of what's wrong with this country today is people's unwillingness to work things out... I'm the child of divorced parents who got married and divorced from their second spouses. There is no joy or happiness in it, a few ever find what they were looking for after divorce because the problem is within. Abuse and infidelity are the exceptions, otherwise it's not an option.


No problem. However, I tried for almost 25 years to fix similar - and other - problems in my first marriage, and nothing worked except divorcing her. Life got much better afterwards. If only I'd had the advice and insights you'll get here back then, I'd have been smart enough to end things early and live a happy life - and I think she'd have been happier too, if she'd found someone more compatible.

Anyway, it's your life and decision. But think about 20 years or more like this - will it be enough? Will you regret those years someday?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Short answer, sorry if I sound cynical: if you had married any of your earlier three partners, the sex would have got as boring within a year or two!



Pwrsld said:


> I guess this is easiest to explain chronologically, so I'll try to be brief.
> 
> I was in 3 fairly serious relationships prior to getting married (all lasted for around 2 or more years). The sex ranged from really good in my first sexually active relationship, to decent, to completely mind blowing in the last before I got married. The last girl I dated was incredibly attractive, a bit younger than me, and from a very different background. Our personalities clashed, but in bed no fantasy was off limits (trying not to be to descriptive but still get the info out, anal was something I always wanted to try before dating her, and she made it part of our regular sex life. We did it in exciting places, any position... Etc etc).
> 
> ...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

technovelist said:


> This is one of the problems with marrying a virgin in these times. Given today's hypersexualized environment, most girls who are interested in sex aren't virgins for very long after reaching legal age. Or to put it another way, one who is willing to wait is unlikely to be very interested in sex.


Well, my partner wasn't a virgin. And she sounds as disinterested as OP's partner... So what's the guarantee?

(I'm sure she would be very much into sex if it was with someone new.)


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Pwrsld said:


> I'll pass on that Advice thanks. I made a commitment that I take seriously. Do I want things to be better in this area? Of course. Am I willing to end my marriage because of it? No. Half of what's wrong with this country today is people's unwillingness to work things out... I'm the child of divorced parents who got married and divorced from their second spouses. There is no joy or happiness in it, a few ever find what they were looking for after divorce because the problem is within. Abuse and infidelity are the exceptions, otherwise it's not an option.


Agreed with you. Too many here on TAM see divorce as a solution. At best it's another (short) additional lease of (sexual) life...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> No problem. However, I tried for almost 25 years to fix similar - and other - problems in my first marriage, and nothing worked except divorcing her. Life got much better afterwards. If only I'd had the advice and insights you'll get here back then, I'd have been smart enough to end things early and live a happy life - and I think she'd have been happier too, if she'd found someone more compatible.
> 
> Anyway, it's your life and decision. But think about 20 years or more like this - will it be enough? Will you regret those years someday?


Aren't there other options?

One could

-- Be more realistic about sex.
-- Devote energies into other fields.
-- Take whatever one gets as a bonus.
-- Try to find other friends of the opposite gender who understand you (I don't mean a physical or emotional affair, but I do have a lot of close lady friends)
-- If your partner expects you to be more aggressive about sex, do so.
-- Schedule sex, so that at least you get some of it

Had I had a better sex life, I'm sure I would have been a far more contented (and less stressed person). Deprived of it, I'm undeniably a far more creative person!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

brownmale said:


> Well, my partner wasn't a virgin. And she sounds as disinterested as OP's partner... So what's the guarantee?
> 
> (I'm sure she would be very much into sex if it was with someone new.)


There is no guarantee. I was merely pointing out that these days, virgins are unlikely to be very interested in sex.


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## Pwrsld (Aug 23, 2015)

Thank you for responding with something besides "get divorced or get over it"
You are correct on the church part, her values led to her guilty feeling. 
As far being pushy goes, it sounds much more so here than in reality. For the sake of time I rambled all the details off, but this a cumulative of everything over the last 4 years (pre and post wedding)... I'm very reluctant to to bring anything up about sex simply because I don't want her to feel pushed. Perhaps I should be more assertive about what I'd like, but I don't want to make her feel bad either. 

As far as missionary and "letting go", it's a little different than that. Yes she does enjoy candles and a nice dinner, and we do that now and then, but having sex isn't really the problem. Once we are going it's ok. She lets go, tells me what she wants, etc. it's just getting to that point. Perhaps it's a libido issue. She is on BC and I've heard that can affect sex drive, she started it right before we got married. 
The trying new and different things flows the more often you have sex in my experience. Once she is in the mood she gets more in the mood, and if we did it a few times a week or more, there would be more times doing it to explore new things. When it's once every few weeks it's like starting over from scratch, does that make sense? 

I've never really talked about this before so maybe I'm doing a poor job of explaining things. I guess id like advice on getting a women with low libidos in the mood? It's almost like she needs a kickstart then she is is into it more




intheory said:


> pwrsld,
> 
> I respect your desire to stay married.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

brownmale said:


> Aren't there other options?
> 
> One could
> 
> ...


Yes, those are ALL good options. And believe me, I tried every one of them, and every combination, and many other approaches.

You know what? _None_ of those were remotely sufficient to achieve happiness or even contentment. I'd have been far better off alone, yet with at least _some _hope for a good relationship. 

Now, I've got a _great_ relationship. 

And you know what? I would not trade this great relationship and a very satisfying sex life for ANY of the creativity, success, or accomplishment I experienced back then in fruitless attempts to substitute for happiness.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Pwrsld said:


> I've never really talked about this before so maybe I'm doing a poor job of explaining things. I guess id like advice on getting a women with low libidos in the mood? It's almost like she needs a kickstart then she is is into it more
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Has she ever used a vibrator?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If she is into it once you get going then it sounds like she is traditional in her thinking and expects the man (you) to initiate and take the lead in terms of where it goes once you've started.

You need to talk to her very frankly about your desires and expectations as well as hers. Remember, she has no prior experience. She may very well think that everything is just fine.

And, really, once every few weeks? Honey, I have been with my DH 15 years, married 12 years, and I would be quite upset if we ever went down to once a week, much less once or twice a month! And, yes, we have kids, dogs, bills, household repairs, etc. It's not like we're without responsibility and life's stresses.

I know you think divorce leads to a bad end, but I am married the love of my life, who also happens to be the best sex I've ever had, thanks to divorce. I couldn't imagine how miserable I'd have been had I stayed with my ex husband.

If you don't fix this and stay married, eventually there will be kids and PTA and a whole host of reasons for your wife to say no. You'll be well and truly trapped in a sexless marriage looking for anything to alleviate the desperation. Don't let that happen. You'll come to hate yourself and her if you keep going on like this. Distance and resentment will grow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is a complicated issue. Sex is not that important to her as it is to you. She doesn't get what it means to you since she does not have the same thoughts and emotions that you do. She probably also feels that sex is wrong / bad in that this is what she was taught growing up. You can have a sexual marriage but you must face your fears. You must decide that a sexual marriage is very important to you. You must decide that a sexual relationship is the core of a marriage itself, since there are no other sexual relationships either of you will ever have. What you have to do is as follows:

1. Make sure that your wife is getting her needs met and feels she has an awesome relationship with you that she would do anything to keep.
2. Decide that you define a marriage to be a passionate sexual relationship.
3. Make sure your wife understands that you think sexual fulfillment is a key part of a marriage and really for you there is no real marriage without sexual fulfillment.
4. Make sure your wife understands that you cannot feel fulfilled and happy in your marriage without a passionate sexual relationship.
5. Offer your wife the choice to be a wife that chooses to return to you the marital fulfillment that you are providing to her (See #1), or chooses not to.
6. If she chooses not to, accept her choice or get a divorce.

Now, this scenario works a whole lot better if your wife KNOWS that you will not stay married to her if she is makes the choice not to provide to you the marital fulfillment you are providing to her.

This is much easier to fix before having children than after.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

brownmale said:


> Short answer, sorry if I sound cynical: if you had married any of your earlier three partners, the sex would have got as boring within a year or two!


I completely disagree with this statement. I've been with my SO for almost 5 years (having been in a sexually mismatched marriage for 20) and the sex hasn't slowed down a bit or gotten boring for either of us. In fact, it's better than ever because we have a strong intimate connection.

OP and his wife are a sexual mismatch. Before throwing in the towel I would try visiting a sex therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Pwrsld said:


> I'll pass on that Advice thanks. I made a commitment that I take seriously. Do I want things to be better in this area? Of course. Am I willing to end my marriage because of it? No.


Then there is only one thing for you to do.

Lose your interest in the kind of sex life you want today. Because you won't find it in this relationship. If she will not or cannot change, then you have to, or in 10 years you'll either be so resentful that your marriage will suffer or you'll be ripe for an affair.

The answer you're looking for - how to change your wife - isn't to be found here. The answer you need to embrace is how to change yourself. I'm here to say that you can accomplish this, but only by letting go of the desire to change your wife. You can accept her for what she is, or you can deny it, but your denial will not change it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Rough numbers--How often do you initiate? How often does she reject?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

> 1.) She lied just to get married.
> 
> 2.) Sex with you, is not what she imagined sex should be.


I agree with this. Your first post sounds like a bait and switch.

Consider divorce options before having kids.


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## Pwrsld (Aug 23, 2015)

Ok, a lot of responses since I was last here, so instead of quoting, I'll just try to address everything at once.

She uses a vibrator, not all the time, but not uncommonly either. When she is not in the mood right away but it has been a while, she will use it to help get in the mood. Once we actually get going, then she lets go. She generally gets off before me, or is trying to hold so we get there together. Then she is happy we did it. She just seems to suffer from a lack of initial interest, which I understand how it can be hard to agree when you're not in the mood as I had that issues during the stressful early months of my job. She even gets into certain things (outside, road head, etc) on her own from time to time. She has even spoken about how we need to do it more, she just doesn't know why she's never in the mood. I'm not trying to change who she is, more just find a way to help us get in the mood more.

I probably try to I initiate 2-4 times per weeks, generally subltey, and she isn't in the mood for most of them. One of the big issues her need to "prepare" for sex. That throws a big wrench in pushing her against the wall and having my way, so to speak. She can be a bit OCD about hygiene and her appearance. Even though we have been married this long and I assure her that the blemishes and things she feels she needs to address are not even noticeable to me. 

I do want to stress that most every other aspect of our relationship is very good. This has not been a driving wedge. We get along well, we do a lot of things together. We may bicker sometimes, but rarely fight. When we do we generally don't hold a grudge for long. We communicate well on most issues. 

I would see a therapist or "lose interest" in that aspect of our relationship long before divorce. But I hold hope we can strengthen this part of our marriage.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Go read up on Responsive Desire, and have a talk with your wife about it. That's what it sounds to me like is going on.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Hate to be negative, but sexual mismatchs seldom get better. In 20 year you will have 

1. Gotten divorced
2. Gotten over it 
3. Be a p1ssed off resentful husband.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

technovelist said:


> There is no guarantee. I was merely pointing out that these days, virgins are unlikely to be very interested in sex.


My point is that it works the other way as well: sexually "experienced" women also get disinterested in sex in some time.

So is there any corelation, really?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

How come hardly any couple is "sexually mismatched" at the start of their relationship, but turn so, say 3, 5, or 7 years down the line?

There are some other factors which screw up (pun intended) sex in a marriage. Having kids is one of them. It seems to turn a woman so off sex. Do you have kids, just curious?

Also, it's quite possible that some couples (specially if they need the marriage to last) would be a bit more cautious in their second or third round of marriages. But that need not happen every time, as the statistics of breakdown of remarriages show.



happy as a clam said:


> I completely disagree with this statement. I've been with my SO for almost 5 years (having been in a sexually mismatched marriage for 20) and the sex hasn't slowed down a bit or gotten boring for either of us. In fact, it's better than ever because we have a strong intimate connection.
> 
> OP and his wife are a sexual mismatch. Before throwing in the towel I would try visiting a sex therapist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

brownmale said:


> How come hardly any couple is "sexually mismatched" at the start of their relationship, but turn so, say 3, 5, or 7 years down the line?


Any couple who doesn't go for a test drive before marriage runs the risk of being mismatched. Happens all the time. 

Any couple who isn't initially mismatched runs the risk of being mismatched at a later date. That too happens all the time.

Is the risk greater for one or the other? I don't know. What I do know is that sexually mismatched at the start of the relationship virtually guarantees sexually mismatched for the rest of the relationship.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Personal said:


> Can you describe what your subtle initiations look like, your approach and how does she she say yes and how does she say no?


Added to this, I'm curious as to how much foreplay you two are engaging in, and when that starts in relation to the actual sex?


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

How affectionate are you both the rest of the time? The reason I ask is that for a lot of women the desire for sex starts long before hitting the bedroom. The more affectionate & flirtatious you are during regular interaction the easier it is to get in the mood for sex because you're already partway there. 

Ask her what makes her feel desire. She may want you to be more aggressive in your approach instead of subtle. Maybe she needs a glass of wine to loosen her up. Or read a romance novel (porn for women). Since she went most of her life without sex she may just be used to compartmentalizing it & needs some help bringing out her sensual side. She may not know the answers & then you can see a sex therapist together to help you both. 

Does she have any married friends she might feel comfortable talking to about sex? Due to her lack of experience she may just need a woman with more experience to help her feel more comfortable with sex. I knew a woman who had a few hang ups about sex (she was quite the prude) that was helped by simply sharing with a few close friends the issues her husband had discussed with her. We all talked openly about it & encouraged her to relax some of her views. She is now very happily married & she & her husband are closer than ever.

In any case, do have an open discussion with her about it. This is an important issue that could affect the quality of your marriage long term. Sex creates intimacy & bonding, don't neglect the importance of it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think you've got three separate issues that are interfering with your sex life. Responsive desire, good girl shame, and body image issues. If you and your wife openly, lovingly work together on these two issues I believe your sex life will likely improve. 


Read some of these links about Responsive Desire.

'Sex Drive Doesn't Exist,' Psychologist Says; More Women Experience 'Responsive Desire'

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shameless-woman/201010/do-you-understand-female-sexual-desire

Good girl shame is responsible for many lousy sex lives in married couples. In order to raise a good girl who stays abstinent until marriage, she had to be kept mostly ignorant, and be discouraged from exploring her body. As a result, her arousal signals feelings of shame. Sometimes the shame can be pushed aside, but other times it can't. She has to recognize that her arousal, her sexual pleasure, her explorative experiences with sex should be celebrated!

This web site is excellent for women who need to ditch the sexual shame.

Christian Nymphos | Married Sex: Spicy, the way God intended it to be!

Lastly body image. You two need to talk about this openly. How does she view her body? Is she critical? Is she timid and fearful about being seen? This is something so common they really should have engaged couples doing an hour workshop on combatting body image issues. Your wife needs to fight this. She need ps to recognize that her body image problems are getting in the way of HER sex life and eventually her marriage. There is lot of good help out there for women to combat body image problems. 

On wearing sexy things. You have to tell her what you want her to wear and when you want her to wear it. Being too brazen triggers both shame and body image... So you're going to have to take the lead with this all the time. Just lay out what you want her to wear and tell her to put it on. Start game and work your way up. Maybe just go for a drive and have her get used to wearing stuff during short periods. Remind her to be brave and to trust her husband. 

I think you are wise to not turn this into a battle ground, but instead a learning ground. She has to unlearn a bunch of crap from the abstinence "education" that warped her. If she wants to make this work it will.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

SEXTING. try flirting with her throughout the day, telling her things that you want to do to her and things you want her to do to you. Lead into sex with as much anticipation as possible.

Then she has had all day to prepare, she knows exactly what she wants and expects.

Sex takes more than one hour in a bed. The more sexual enthusiastic people are, the more they think of sex, it works the other way too.

Get her thinking about it all day, so she does it all night


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Pwrsld said:


> I'll pass on that Advice thanks. I made a commitment that I take seriously. Do I want things to be better in this area? Of course. Am I willing to end my marriage because of it? No. Half of what's wrong with this country today is people's unwillingness to work things out... I'm the child of divorced parents who got married and divorced from their second spouses. There is no joy or happiness in it, a few ever find what they were looking for after divorce because the problem is within. Abuse and infidelity are the exceptions, otherwise it's not an option.


Trust me, lack of sex will only get worse. It IS a big problem, especially 10, 20, 30 years from now you will look back and kick yourself. 

If you can't fix it and fast, then I think that is grounds for divorce. Withholding intimacy is a violation of your vows, just as bad as infidelity. Read a few stories here, you will soon know what I mean. 

Good luck


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I think you've got three separate issues that are interfering with your sex life. Responsive desire, good girl shame, and body image issues. If you and your wife openly, lovingly work together on these two issues I believe your sex life will likely improve.
> 
> 
> Read some of these links about Responsive Desire.
> ...


Bullseye, as usual!


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Good advice already given let me just add a couple of things. And good on you for being willing to work though this issue and not cut and run.
First, I don't know what the name for the male equivalent of an alpha widow is but with all due respect I think you are one. That last girlfriend frankly is still in your head. You've got to get her out of there some way. You wife is not going to ever be her, nor should she be. Do whatever it takes to let that memory go.
Secondly, your wife is by no means some timid, frigid harpy. She was a virgin when she married you and look at all she has been willing to try? All to please you. Which is the crux of your problem.
Its perfectly fine to have needs and desire's you want met. We all do. But there is a time and a place for everything. You married a virgin. Your choice and that is just fine. But the correct approach would have been to patiently, gently lead her down a path that "opens" her up and allows her to become the fully sexual being she is meant to be.And I suspect that is what she expected and needed. But you pushed too hard too soon for too much. Man to man its surprising you haven't broken her. Time for a reboot.
Start over. Put her desires and needs first for a while. Study her. Gently lead her, but lead her. She is telling you that in words, which is telling in its own way.. See where it goes. She may never be some liberated wildcat and that's okay. She may want to be romanced and courted. That fine, that's good too. Your job is to help her realize her full sexual potential whatever that is.
And if you need help look on a bookshelf. Seriously. This is theme of all those romance novels you see that so many women buying like hotcakes, from the those Amish love stories to 50 shades. They all feature the older, more experienced man leading the younger, timid women to places that she is afraid to go herself. But secretly desires to go. 
You have a neat opportunity. Begin again and enjoy the journey.


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## MLady103 (Aug 18, 2015)

Maybe talk about having an open marriage?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

1. don't have kids until you sort this out. it will get much worse if you have kids. 

2. as others have said, you have something pretty reasonable to work with. your wife has shown herself to be open to things that MANY women would never do. So I would not put her in the prude box.

3. if she is OCD about hygene, maybe you can make the hygene process sexual. don't just tell her to stop doing something, figure out a way to integrate her into the interaction better given her personality. 

4. I'm sure it is very hard, but stop comparing her to prior girlfriends. You married her, figure out something that is unique to the two of you rather than just acting like she can fill a role once occupied by someone else. 

5. sorry to say that since you seem pretty young, your best bet would be to give this a set period of time where you really try to work this out (say a year or two). If at the end of this period, this is still a major issue, you should split for the good of both of you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm on board with everything Anon1111 wrote except the time limit. 

This is no bait and switch. This is a woman who was raised to repress. You can't expect years of teaching to be dropped on an impatient time line. 

But I don't think OP will need a time line. His wife has shown a lot of willingness to work in this and that is because he is approaching this as a TEAM and not as his just due.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

1. Get her off BC ASAP.
2. The issue with your wife is she doesn't seem to realize how grinding a 80-90 percent rejection rate becomes over time. It will eventually kill your self esteem. 

*If she thinks it's ok to reject 80-90 percent of your advances now, without children, you will very likely be in a sexless marriage - less than 10/year after you have kids. *

It's possible that the BC is impacting her a lot. But the bigger issue is that she seems unwilling to work with her responsive desire. 




Pwrsld said:


> Ok, a lot of responses since I was last here, so instead of quoting, I'll just try to address everything at once.
> 
> She uses a vibrator, not all the time, but not uncommonly either. When she is not in the mood right away but it has been a while, she will use it to help get in the mood. Once we actually get going, then she lets go. She generally gets off before me, or is trying to hold so we get there together. Then she is happy we did it. She just seems to suffer from a lack of initial interest, which I understand how it can be hard to agree when you're not in the mood as I had that issues during the stressful early months of my job. She even gets into certain things (outside, road head, etc) on her own from time to time. She has even spoken about how we need to do it more, she just doesn't know why she's never in the mood. I'm not trying to change who she is, more just find a way to help us get in the mood more.
> 
> ...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

brownmale said:


> Agreed with you. Too many here on TAM see divorce as a solution. At best it's another (short) additional lease of (sexual) life...


Not to stray to far off topic but this is BS. First off most happily or even merely contented married people aren't on internet forums asking for advice about marriage. Many of the people who are here, are those who actually have had or hare currently in dissatisfying marriages. I don't think anyone thinks of divorce as the first or best option as many here have already been through it themselves. However, those who have, now realize that the marriage they were in before getting divorced has been surpassed by the life they have now post divorce. Much of it comes from self discovery. IOW those who opine divorce as an option do so from the experience of "life does get better".

Having said that, what I see is that most advising divorce typically preface that advice with "if you can't fix this". Often times they do so with the benefit of having experienced it themselves. Marriage is a two way street. It takes two to make it work. It is a totally voluntary activity that each choose to participate in and most time we do so because there is some satisfaction in it for ourselves. Unfortunately, many of us, at least initially come into marriage with some fantasy of how it is supposed to be. Then when the reality of how it really is slaps us in the face, we are left with a choice - acceptable or not? Only the OP can decide if this issue is acceptable to him or not. Apparently, at this time, it is not or why else would he come an internet forum to ask for advice. he has been given some, now it is up to the OP to decide if they will heed the advice or not. They may in fact heed the advice and find it changes nothing because as I said, it takes two to make it work. In which case the OP will still be left with the choice of whether to accept it or not.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I would love sex more but it is usually once a month and we are in our 60s. Tired of arguing about it and too many other good things to justify divorce. Plus a new relationship will have new problems that probably will include sexual ones at some point


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Okguy said:


> I would love sex more but it is usually once a month and we are in our 60s. Tired of arguing about it and too many other good things to justify divorce. Plus a new relationship will have new problems that probably will include sexual ones at some point


We are in our 60's also, and that low a frequency would be a deal-breaker for me, of course assuming that there is no physical reason to cause it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

So u would divorce over too little sex?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Well it's more than just sex you know


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