# Detatchment?



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Ex texted me at 2 in the morning saying that he made alot of decisions that didn't turn out well. That he loved me since day one, will always love me, and will never love anyone else after having the perfect wife. I haven't responded. But it was like a knife to the heart. What should I do??


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anything at 2 am is suspect at best. 

Ignore him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Erudite said:


> Ex texted me at 2 in the morning saying that he made alot of decisions that didn't turn out well. That he loved me since day one, will always love me, and will never love anyone else after having the perfect wife. I haven't responded. But it was like a knife to the heart. What should I do??


Block his number. 2 am? That's a booty call. You're better than that. He can stick a sock in it, you don't need that kind of nonsense in your life.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Good lord.

The old "I'm drunk, it's 2:00 am and I'm feeling all boozy and maudlin, so a really good idea would be to send a drunken text to the person I screwed over...."

It ain't even a booty call. It's the classic drunken mistake that so many make, and he probably wanted to take it back the moment he woke up sober the next morning and cringed when he realized what he'd done.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I'm sure this is VERY difficult to deal with. I remember when my STBX would text me apologies, I would feel MORE victimized by him, because I couldn't believe him or trust anything he said!! He had already shown me over and over that he didn't care about me at all, so I would always feel like his messages of kindness were just manipulations...I would feel like I had been slapped in the face whenever he would send them!!!

I used to just ignore them and not respond. But that never discouraged him much. So after several texts in a row, I would simply text back something very detached to shut it down and set my boundary with him. I would say, "That's a nice thing to say, but I don't want you to feel regret anymore. Let's just work on splitting up in the easiest way possible going forward".
Or something similar to that. If he would escalate, I would ignore him again.

It's VERY difficult to go through what you are dealing with. Try to engage him as little as possible and continue moving forward in YOUR life!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The most powerful thing you can do is ignore all messages unless it pertains to the welfare of your children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you block him? Plus don't reply.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Drunk posting.
he is feeling sorry for what he did to you. It does NOT mean he has in any way changed.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Well notice it wasn't really an apology or validation of knowing and understanding why I did what I did. Plus it came after dropping ds at home after visitation. I don't know what he expects from me. He has a place to live. A car. Generous visitation 

I struggle with guilt. I feel like I am making him suffer. I can't detach properly.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> Drunk posting.
> he is feeling sorry for what he did to you. It does NOT mean he has in any way changed.


Oh no, he definately has not.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm sure this is VERY difficult to deal with. I remember when my STBX would text me apologies, I would feel MORE victimized by him, because I couldn't believe him or trust anything he said!! He had already shown me over and over that he didn't care about me at all, so I would always feel like his messages of kindness were just manipulations...I would feel like I had been slapped in the face whenever he would send them!!!
> 
> I used to just ignore them and not respond. But that never discouraged him much. So after several texts in a row, I would simply text back something very detached to shut it down and set my boundary with him. I would say, "That's a nice thing to say, but I don't want you to feel regret anymore. Let's just work on splitting up in the easiest way possible going forward".
> Or something similar to that. If he would escalate, I would ignore him again.
> ...


I am a pretty friendly person and find it hard to hold a grudge. But he takes any show of kindness as an invitation for this type of thing. It's not happening. Sometimes I lack the words cuz I hate sounding harsh so thank you!


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good lord.
> 
> The old "I'm drunk, it's 2:00 am and I'm feeling all boozy and maudlin, so a really good idea would be to send a drunken text to the person I screwed over...."
> 
> It ain't even a booty call. It's the classic drunken mistake that so many make, and he probably wanted to take it back the moment he woke up sober the next morning and cringed when he realized what he'd done.


I left out the part where he said his dead mother of 30+ years would have loved me sooo, yeah you are probably right


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

First think about why you think it's your job to be his mommy.

Once you figure that out the rest will cone.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Block his number. 2 am? That's a booty call. You're better than that. He can stick a sock in it, you don't need that kind of nonsense in your life.


Maybe, he was always High Drive. But he always said my weight made me unattractive so who knows?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Erudite said:


> I left out the part where he said his dead mother of 30+ years would have loved me sooo, yeah you are probably right


I'm sure....you mothered him too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> Ex texted me at 2 in the morning saying that he made alot of decisions that didn't turn out well. That he loved me since day one, will always love me, and will never love anyone else after having the perfect wife. I haven't responded. But it was like a knife to the heart. What should I do??


Well, texting anyone at 2 in the morning is only yet another bad decision, likely a drunk or at least punch drunk one. I would say tell him to stop texting you at all if you're done with him; if not, tell him to not text you after 10:00 at night or whatever. Ragnar is correct. 2:00 is bar closing time, drunk, didn't get picked up, horny time. Don't take anything seriously texted late at night like that by any ex. Erudite, why haven't you blocked him? Are you trying to get back together? If so, just do it. But people don't reform for others and it's a very long process if they do it for themselves.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, texting anyone at 2 in the morning is only yet another bad decision, likely a drunk or at least punch drunk one. I would say tell him to stop texting you at all if you're done with him; if not, tell him to not text you after 10:00 at night or whatever. Ragnar is correct. 2:00 is bar closing time, drunk, didn't get picked up, horny time. Don't take anything seriously texted late at night like that by any ex. Erudite, why haven't you blocked him? Are you trying to get back together? If so, just do it. But people don't reform for others and it's a very long process if they do it for themselves.


For the kiddo. I told him text only so I have records for court if I need him. And no. No there is no going back!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> Well notice it wasn't really an apology or validation of knowing and understanding why I did what I did. Plus it came after dropping ds at home after visitation. I don't know what he expects from me. He has a place to live. A car. Generous visitation
> 
> I struggle with guilt. I feel like I am making him suffer. I can't detach properly.


You're going to have to take people's word for it that you need to if it doesn't come naturally. You need to stop coddling him and letting him pull your strings -- and yes, certainly that was him hoping for a booty call. And it has nothing to do with anything sentimental, just him being horny.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> For the kiddo. I told him text only so I have records for court if I need him. And no. No there is no going back!


You need to stop replying to him except about the children and then ONLY if he really needed to tell you something, which is usually dubious IF he's doing his job when he has them. You need to tell him to stop contacting you about anything else and if he won't, turn your phone off at night if you can't block him. Or block him when you have the kids and they're not with him and then unblock him when he has the kids so he might have a legit reason, but turn that phone off at night and save yourself this headache.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s more likely that he’s feeling sorry for himself that his cushy life has been turned upside down. No response necessary.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Erudite said:


> Maybe, he was always High Drive. But he always said my weight made me unattractive so who knows?


UGH...this guy keeps getting worse!!!!! Is that possible?? Lol!!


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Typo sorry!


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

LisaDiane said:


> UGH...this guy keeps getting worse!!!!! Is that possible?? Lol!!


Short answer. Yes. He has been talking to ds about my weight. Actually wrote a text to me "from ds" saying there are health risks with being over weight and if someone works out with me will I try it. I know it was from ex because a 10 year old doesn't come uo with that out of the blue. I told ds that it was a rude text and I wasn't replying.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Erudite said:


> Short answer. Yes. He has been talking to ds about my weight. Actually wrote a text to me "from ds" saying there are health risks with being over weight and if someone works out with me will I try it. I know it was from ex because a 10 year old doesn't come uo with that out of the blue. I told ds that it was a rude text and I wasn't replying.


I would tell him (STBX) that you are perfectly happy with your body the way it is, and you are so happy you have given him the gift of his freedom to go find someone he finds more attractive.

Then I would eat a brownie!!!


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

It's like whiplash. One minute the I love you texts the next critisizing me via the kids...thankfully we have a preliminary hearing on Wed. I wonder if that triggered it?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> I would tell him (STBX) that you are perfectly happy with your body the way it is, and you are so happy you have given him the gift of his freedom to go find someone he finds more attractive.
> 
> Then I would eat a brownie!!!


Absolutely.

Then have a discussion with your son about how rude and nasty it is to worry about people's weight.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Erudite said:


> It's like whiplash. One minute the I love you texts the next critisizing me via the kids...thankfully we have a preliminary hearing on Wed. I wonder if that triggered it?


Shifting tactics to see what might work.

Classic abuser pattern.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I believe if I was you at the hearing I would request controlled communication via a special website for parents sharing child custody. That way there's a record of anything and he can't be calling you in the middle of the night unless the child was actually going to the emergency Ward or something. I would tell them right away that he calls you at 2:00 in the morning.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Erudite said:


> It's like whiplash. One minute the I love you texts the next critisizing me via the kids...thankfully we have a preliminary hearing on Wed. I wonder if that triggered it?


This is how he IS, though, isn't it? He is erratic and not dependable (or honest). I also think he might be a person who communicates for manipulation, not for sharing information or connection.

The important thing is that you remember, NONE of this is about YOU...it's all about HIM. HIS failings, not yours at all.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I believe if I was you at the hearing I would request controlled communication via a special website for parents sharing child custody. That way there's a record of anything and he can't be calling you in the middle of the night unless the child was actually going to the emergency Ward or something. I would tell them right away that he calls you at 2:00 in the morning.


This also. I didn't know this was possible, but this is absolutely something you should do. And they need to know he's calling/texting in the middle of the night. All of this contributes to the full picture of the relationship.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Erudite said:


> Well notice it wasn't really an apology or validation of knowing and understanding why I did what I did. Plus it came after dropping ds at home after visitation. I don't know what he expects from me. He has a place to live. A car. Generous visitation
> 
> I struggle with guilt. I feel like I am making him suffer. I can't detach properly.


Okay, so even though texting someone at 2am is clearly suspect (it was either a drunk text, or late-night regret, or something), let's explore this a little. 

You're right. He wasn't apologizing or validating or in any way expressing empathy for what he's put you through. There's no growth there. He is alone; he's pushing your buttons to make you feel guilty (he's REALLY good at that); he doesn't have what he used to have (due to his own choices); and he's trying different ways to suck you back into his life and his drama. 

YOU also know that you are a kind and compassionate person who struggles with guilt, is overly responsible for others, and can't detach properly. 

So don't reply to him (no need)--that's probably the kindest thing you can do for both of you. Instead, here are a few ways to practically practice detachment:

1. Do a PROS and CONS list of the relationship so far. What was in it for you? What was in it for him? What did YOU give? What did he give? Did he prioritize you and much as you prioritized him? Was there balance emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically? Literally write a list. Sometimes seeing it in writing is kind of helpful in detaching.

2. Analyze your expectations. This practical tip will probably be easy for you to do. Make a list of what you expect from a life partner. Then, literally reverse roles--put yourself in your partner's shoes. If YOU had someone who gave what you give and did what you do, would you be able to accomplish what you expect them to do? If the answer is "yes" then it's likely that your expectation is realistic. If the answer is "no" then you might consider that you have an unrealistic expectation. AND no matter what the answer is, bear this in mind, YOU are allowed to have expectations that differ from HIS (or even from me!). We're both ladies and we're both "of a certain age"--right? Well, my expectation is for a life partner to be 100% transparent with me--and that leaves 0% for hiding or secrecy. Does everyone expect that? Maybe not, but TO BE WITH ME, that is my expectation. And if someone gave to me what I give in my relationship, I would be able to accomplish that--so my expectation is reasonable...FOR ME. Make sense? See, if you can stop second-guessing yourself and your expectations, you can begin to detach when he tries to suck you in!

3. Make a list of your emotional needs and how YOU might meet them for yourself. To get your thoughts flowing, here a list of Basic Human Emotional Needs. So look at that list and figure out how YOU can meet that need for yourself. As an example, the first one is "accepted." We all deeply desire to be accepted as we are for who we are. So do you accept yourself? Do you need to work on your self-esteem and self-worth? While you work on building that, how might you find acceptance, maybe from a friend or a co-worker? If you're not thinking of him and how he used to meet some of these needs, and if you are having your needs met by yourself or by your friends, then you can detach from him. 

4. Last one! Make it a habit to practice mindfulness. Now I know that sounds all kinda "new agey" but what I mean is to deliberately practice the habit of taking some time for yourself, taking a breath, and being in the present (however you do that) every day. Some people meditate or pray. Some journal. Some listen to a podcast or something like the Calm app. But make it a deliberate habit. Every day start your day with an affirmation and a prayer. At lunch, take 5 minutes for yourself to just breathe. After work, take 15 minutes for yourself to unwind and think quietly. And at bedtime do some journaling. By being mindful OF YOURSELF you make the time for you to be positive, to grow, to destress, to think, to figure out what YOU believe, to make decisions, and to just grieve! Give yourself this time and you will grow in depending on yourself and detaching from him.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Erudite said:


> Ex texted me at 2 in the morning saying that he made alot of decisions that didn't turn out well. That he loved me since day one, will always love me, and will never love anyone else after having the perfect wife. I haven't responded. But it was like a knife to the heart. What should I do??


If he cared about you, he would have treated you the way you deserved when he had you.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Shifting tactics to see what might work.
> 
> Classic abuser pattern.


I just don't understand why. He has a place to live. Hell, he doesn't even have to pay for it the VA is covering rent. Elect. Heat. Even internet. The car. (It's a nicer place than mine too) He get visitation above and beyond most divorces. He doesn't even have to deal with ds school. So why?

I did just ignore it. It would seem silly to reply now anyway.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This also. I didn't know this was possible, but this is absolutely something you should do. And they need to know he's calling/texting in the middle of the night. All of this contributes to the full picture of the relationship.


They have dedicated email for just this situation and all you have to do is Google email for parents sharing custody or divorced parents or something like that and some different ones will come up. If they have to write instead of call that everything is in writing and they can't misbehave so much. Now I'm sure not every judge is in the practice of doing this so there's no guarantee but it's worth asking about. Those websites save a copy of everything and if necessary you can take it to court if things get really nasty or something. Or you can just ask the judge to mandate that he use email only so he can't interrupt you. And then there is always the caveat that if a child is in an emergency such as a medical emergency, that is the exception. Not if he can't pick up the child or doesn't want to or the child won't eat their peas.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Erudite said:


> I just don't understand why. He has a place to live. Hell, he doesn't even have to pay for it the VA is covering rent. Elect. Heat. Even internet. The car. (It's a nicer place than mine too) He get visitation above and beyond most divorces. He doesn't even have to deal with ds school. So why?
> 
> I did just ignore it. It would seem silly to reply now anyway.


May I very politely remind you of something? It would seem fairly clear that things are not entirely right in his head. If they were right, he'd be a husband, a father, and a diligent worker...among other good character qualities. 

So on one hand, you could spend all kinds of time trying to figure out "WHY?" but since your head is fairly right, you won't think like him. You could go round and round forever simply because you are fairly rational and stable! Since he's not as rational or stable, he doesn't think like you and acts based on his issues. It won't really ever make much sense to you. 

BUT on the other hand, to put it as simply as I can, he now has SOME of the things he used to get from you (a home, bills paid, a car...) but not all. He is an abusive person, and he doesn't have anyone to abuse! See he's used to being able to blame someone else (for example), and now you aren't there to be responsible for him, so he has to figure out a way to hoover you in so he can twist things and relieve personal responsibility. If you interact, that gives him "fuel" to be able to twist it somehow and not hold himself personally responsible FOR HIMSELF. If you don't interact, he has no "fuel" and that abuse has to eventually go somewhere. It's not too likely he'll look at the man in the mirror, so he's got to try any and every method he can think of to find someone. 

That's a pretty simple "explanation" but for me, the way I envision it is "kibble." You know that little doggie treat that you give a dog if they're good? They are trained that if you say "sit" and they do that action of sitting, they will get a kibble, right? Well abusers are similar. They want the little treat of blaming you. They are trained that if they <insert thing that sucked you in before> they get the kibble. You stopped giving him his kibble. So now he's trying every other way he can think of to get the kibble: behaving, not behaving, pushing buttons, making promises, sending flowers, writing about love, blaming, guilting...etc. When he does that, and when you wonder, "BUT WHY?" just answer yourself: it's for the kibble.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> I just don't understand why. He has a place to live. Hell, he doesn't even have to pay for it the VA is covering rent. Elect. Heat. Even internet. The car. (It's a nicer place than mine too) He get visitation above and beyond most divorces. He doesn't even have to deal with ds school. So why?
> 
> I did just ignore it. It would seem silly to reply now anyway.


Oh, he just has some dependence on you and on top of that he's just manipulating you. Really the 2:00 in the morning call says it all. He doesn't care if it's convenient for you or if he invades your privacy or wakes you up or upsets you. It's all about him and his whims. Do not even reply unless it's something about a kid and I imagine he'll probably manipulate that too. So when he calls you on something about a kid that he doesn't need to be calling on you need to call him out on that too or if it's really like he won't eat his peas, don't even respond.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> May I very politely remind you of something? It would seem fairly clear that things are not entirely right in his head. If they were right, he'd be a husband, a father, and a diligent worker...among other good character qualities.
> 
> So on one hand, you could spend all kinds of time trying to figure out "WHY?" but since your head is fairly right, you won't think like him. You could go round and round forever simply because you are fairly rational and stable! Since he's not as rational or stable, he doesn't think like you and acts based on his issues. It won't really ever make much sense to you.
> 
> ...


Maybe this is what some others were saying about the manipulation not stopping til ex finds someone else?


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, he just has some dependence on you and on top of that he's just manipulating you. Really the 2:00 in the morning call says it all. He doesn't care if it's convenient for you or if he invades your privacy or wakes you up or upsets you. It's all about him and his whims. Do not even reply unless it's something about a kid and I imagine he'll probably manipulate that too. So when he calls you on something about a kid that he doesn't need to be calling on you need to call him out on that too or if it's really like he won't eat his peas, don't even respond.


Funny about the pea thing. A few weeks ago he had kiddo call me as a punishment for not putting his clothes away...The heavy drama has lessened since he moved thank god. But this is the first time a love text was sent..and it hurt. I had thought I was successfully emotionally separating but clearly I have work to do.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Erudite said:


> Maybe this is what some others were saying about the manipulation not stopping til ex finds someone else?


Could he be trying to keep you on the hook as a plan B? Cause the answer to that is no. You're no one's plan B.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Erudite said:


> Funny about the pea thing. A few weeks ago he had kiddo call me as a punishment for not putting his clothes away...The heavy drama has lessened since he moved thank god. But this is the first time a love text was sent..and it hurt. I had thought I was successfully emotionally separating but clearly I have work to do.


Emotional detachment is hard, don't be too tough on yourself. You're doing fine. He's a penis wrinkle.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Could he be trying to keep you on the hook as a plan B? Cause the answer to that is no. You're no one's plan B.


Maybe? There are strict rules he has to follow. Must actively look for work, submit to inspections, has a curfew, and no booze in the apt. Maybe he misses his rather unrestricted life with me...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He misses his old life. He wants to reel you back in.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> Funny about the pea thing. A few weeks ago he had kiddo call me as a punishment for not putting his clothes away...The heavy drama has lessened since he moved thank god. But this is the first time a love text was sent..and it hurt. I had thought I was successfully emotionally separating but clearly I have work to do.


It's normal. I have a friend who's going through a similar thing right now. Obviously you once cared about him or you wouldn't have been with him. You have the totality of the relationship in your heart, so every step of it hurts. He knows how to pull your strings. One time to get over a man, I had to make myself think of three things bad about him for every time that I started having a longing or good thought about him. And it actually did work.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> Maybe? There are strict rules he has to follow. Must actively look for work, submit to inspections, has a curfew, and no booze in the apt. Maybe he misses his rather unrestricted life with me...


Sure. He wants to be the controller not the controllee.

What you're going through is hard but it has to be done. If you are fully functional except for all the confusion and pain and hiccups when he does something that makes you have to stop and think about him, then you are doing great and will be okay.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Erudite said:


> Funny about the pea thing. A few weeks ago he had kiddo call me as a punishment for not putting his clothes away...The heavy drama has lessened since he moved thank god. But this is the first time a love text was sent..and it hurt. *I had thought I was successfully emotionally separating but clearly I have work to do.*


I believe you are getting it just right. You ARE successfully separating emotionally. Part of that is going to be recurring feelings of loss, sadness, confusion, uncertainty. And running headlong into these emotional "ditches" are exactly what you need to bring those feelings out so you can acknowledge them and let them GO.

You should feel hurt and sad. This whole situation sucks. But you are doing just FINE. Keep moving forward.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Erudite said:


> Maybe? There are strict rules he has to follow. Must actively look for work, submit to inspections, has a curfew, and no booze in the apt. Maybe he misses his rather unrestricted life with me...


If he did all these things, would you take him back?


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If he did all these things, would you take him back?


A few months ago, even, I would have said yes. Now, having successfully made a life for myself with absolutely no help from him? No never again. NEVER.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Erudite said:


> A few months ago, even, I would have said yes. Now, having successfully made a life for myself with absolutely no help from him? No never again. NEVER.


I'm sure he does miss being able to think only of himself. Whatever is going on with him, it's no longer your problem.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

LisaDiane said:


> I believe you are getting it just right. You ARE successfully separating emotionally. Part of that is going to be recurring feelings of loss, sadness, confusion, uncertainty. And running headlong into these emotional "ditches" are exactly what you need to bring those feelings out so you can acknowledge them and let them GO.
> 
> You should feel hurt and sad. This whole situation sucks. But you are doing just FINE. Keep moving forward.


There is a sense of powerfulness, too, if I am being honest. To know that I, not him, decides what happens in this relationship.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> There is a sense of powerfulness, too, if I am being honest. To know that I, not him, decides what happens in this relationship.


That's your self-esteem returning! He kept you beat down.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's your self-esteem returning! He kept you beat down.


It comes and goes. Lol.😊


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

And I hope that this doesn't come across as TMI but am I the only one who still DREAMS about their ex? Sometimes I can go a whole day without a thought of him, and then at night my subconcious has other ideas. Usually along the more um, intimate, lines. Hows that for detachment? Not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> It comes and goes. Lol.😊


You'll get it all back. Fake it till you make it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> And I hope that this doesn't come across as TMI but am I the only one who still DREAMS about their ex? Sometimes I can go a whole day without a thought of him, and then at night my subconcious has other ideas. Usually along the more um, intimate, lines. Hows that for detachment? Not.


Your subconscious deals with things that you don't want to think consciously about until you're ready to think consciously about them. The fact you're able to remember those dreams means you are starting to be able to deal with it all consciously.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Erudite said:


> ... am I the only one who still DREAMS about their ex?


My ex pops up in my dreams more often than I would like. However, I've learned to discount it as nothing more than a dream. After all, he's actually sober in the dreams; something I rarely saw the last few years we were together.

The word "narcissist" is thrown around (and overused) as much as "codependent" and "dysfunctional." However, I'd suggest you take a look at some of the Dr. Ramini's videos on YouTube. You may be surprised at what you learn. It just strikes me that your husband may be a narcissist, or at the very least have more than a few narcissistic tendencies. What helped me was listening to Ramini's suggestions on how to handle a narcissist.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> My ex pops up in my dreams more often than I would like. However, I've learned to discount it as nothing more than a dream. After all, he's actually sober in the dreams; something I rarely saw the last few years we were together.
> 
> The word "narcissist" is thrown around (and overused) as much as "codependent" and "dysfunctional." However, I'd suggest you take a look at some of the Dr. Ramini's videos on YouTube. You may be surprised at what you learn. It just strikes me that your husband may be a narcissist, or at the very least have more than a few narcissistic tendencies. What helped me was listening to Ramini's suggestions on how to handle a narcissist.


Dr Phil also has a podcast or two on narcissists.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> My ex pops up in my dreams more often than I would like. However, I've learned to discount it as nothing more than a dream. After all, he's actually sober in the dreams; something I rarely saw the last few years we were together.
> 
> The word "narcissist" is thrown around (and overused) as much as "codependent" and "dysfunctional." However, I'd suggest you take a look at some of the Dr. Ramini's videos on YouTube. You may be surprised at what you learn. It just strikes me that your husband may be a narcissist, or at the very least have more than a few narcissistic tendencies. What helped me was listening to Ramini's suggestions on how to handle a narcissist.


Wow, she has quite a few videos! Also those dreams usually end in Nightmares so maybe that should tell me something too. Lol


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yes, Dr. Ramani is an expert on narcissism. She really nails it when it comes to the different types of narcissist. I never knew they can be covert or passive-aggressive, but she goes into great detail about the different "flavors" of the disorder. I agree wholeheartedly with @DownByTheRiver in also checking out Dr. Phil. He's very knowledgeable on a variety of personality disorders.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Yes, Dr. Ramani is an expert on narcissism. She really nails it when it comes to the different types of narcissist. I never knew they can be covert or passive-aggressive, but she goes into great detail about the different "flavors" of the disorder. I agree wholeheartedly with @DownByTheRiver in also checking out Dr. Phil. He's very knowledgeable on a variety of personality disorders.


He has a whole series on the different destructive disorders on podcasts. I think the narcissism one is two parts, probably because of what you say about two kinds.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Insist on all communication going thru ourfamilywizard.com

Also, if you want to detach, lookup the healthy-for-you sorts of things you can do to detach, and start doing some.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Erudite said:


> Ex texted me at 2 in the morning saying that he made alot of decisions that didn't turn out well. That he loved me since day one, will always love me, and will never love anyone else after having the perfect wife. I haven't responded. But it was like a knife to the heart. What should I do??


he has probably been drinking and is on a fishing expedition. Ignore it. His loss.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm sure this is VERY difficult to deal with. I remember when my STBX would text me apologies, I would feel MORE victimized by him, because I couldn't believe him or trust anything he said!! He had already shown me over and over that he didn't care about me at all, so I would always feel like his messages of kindness were just manipulations...I would feel like I had been slapped in the face whenever he would send them!!!
> 
> I used to just ignore them and not respond. But that never discouraged him much. So after several texts in a row, I would simply text back something very detached to shut it down and set my boundary with him. I would say, "That's a nice thing to say, but I don't want you to feel regret anymore. Let's just work on splitting up in the easiest way possible going forward".
> Or something similar to that. If he would escalate, I would ignore him again.
> ...


You are kind, I couldn't repeat what i would say here


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Anyone could speculate anything....who knows?

As far as the time, it doesn't have to be a booty call, drunk, or anything else...I don't sleep well and never have...Most of my critical thinking and reflection happens during those periods, when I am unable to sleep and it's very quiet and these thoughts start to enter my head...

But then you can't start to call people, as in your situation....He's 100% wrong..

While I can't say it's the case here, sometimes guys fail to realize that "you can't have it all"....What I mean by this, is if you ask enough guys and they are honest, if they don't find the perfect woman that is the be all and end all in their lives, then in their dreamworld they would have several women, all filling some need in their lives...That is the perfect scenario.. You see guys try to do this all the time...Women, when they are done, tend to be done....On to the next one...

This guy may be fighting the feelings he obviously has with you that enhanced his life, but still can't keep himself from seeking what perhaps you don't provide.. So he is torn...He drops these little gestures, like this late night call, partially because he may feel guilty, and partially, because he is unknowingly trying to "have it all"....

The fact that you share a child together means that on some level you can never fully detach...That's the issue, really...In this case, it would be better just to cut ties altogether, but that will likely never happen until the child is on their own and even then, you will likely be stuck making important life decisions and attending various events...\

At this point, just keep communication to a minimum, and only regarding matters concerning the child...Tell him to honor your space, and be firm about it...The only thing you need to do is hang in there and let time heal the wounds,....it does get better for just about everyone over time...In the meantime, if you have to "fake it til you make it" then do whatever it is that allows you to get by,,,, Good luck and hang in there,,,,,,


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