# So, we're now over legally.. Question.



## Almost-Done

After a nearly year of separation and going through the divorce process, she finally signed on the dotted line. A Judge is supposed to sign off next week. She delayed so long that we now have to file taxes as married for 2016. The attorney said he could notify opposing counsel, however, that will be several $$$. I think I've given him enough money. Something that was supposed to cost 5k ended up over 20k. If you factor in that I also had to pay her medical premiums for the entire year as well as she taking most, if not all of the wedding gifts & my bedroom premarital furniture, she did pretty well. Still unsure how this all fell apart. I wrote her a letter prior to divorce, no response. However, legally, I have to inform her of the tax filing. She is going owe mucho $$$ cause she sold a lot of her investments for her move into an apartment. However, I do not have closure. I would also like to explain my reasonings (no guilty party, just mostly communication issues) on filing. I know it will probably be a fruitless endeavor, and if she really cared about our marriage, she would had tried on repairing the marriage through separation and possibly even through divorce. I hate failure and not being able to get it off my chest. It's okay if I do not get a response (she's a big talker behind a persons back, but hates confrontation), or a negative response. I think I need to do it for myself. Perhaps, that will give me the closure I seek. It just bothers me that things are left unsaid. 

Am I that screwed up for wanting to do this?


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## Diana7

How about writing a letter? It can be theraputic.


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## happy2gether

file married but separate. if she tries to do anything that screws you, file an injured spouse notice with the IRS.

I'm no lawyer/tax consultant, but that is the basics. check with your own attorney/accountant for specifics in your case.


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## Hellomynameis

If you have maintained separate residences for the past 6 months you should be able to file married filing separately. Might be worth looking into.

The first year STBX and I filed married but separate he owed $7000 and I got $2000 back. Have to admit that was pretty sweet.


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## Almost-Done

I plan to file married, but separate as I know she'll owe a lot of $$$ due to all the sales of her investment accounts. I do not want to chase or be responsible any longer for her IRS tax bill. However, I still have to notify her of this. I plan to write a letter in terms of the tax filing and my final thoughts. It is okay that she doesn't respond or acknowledge. I did the same prior to filing for divorce; no response or acknowledgement. It will just help me find closure for myself, as I will prob. never receive it from her. I requested multiple times to meet with her during our separation (prior to filing), and she wasn't ready and declined each request. I just need to get it off my chest.

Should I sent it via e-mail or regular mail?


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## arbitrator

Almost-Done said:


> After a nearly year of separation and going through the divorce process, she finally signed on the dotted line. A Judge is supposed to sign off next week. She delayed so long that we now have to file taxes as married for 2016. *The attorney said he could notify opposing counsel, however, that will be several $$$. I think I've given him enough money. Something that was supposed to cost 5k ended up over 20k.* If you factor in that I also had to pay her medical premiums for the entire year as well as she taking most, if not all of the wedding gifts & my bedroom premarital furniture, she did pretty well. Still unsure how this all fell apart. I wrote her a letter prior to divorce, no response. However, legally, I have to inform her of the tax filing. She is going owe mucho $$$ cause she sold a lot of her investments for her move into an apartment. However, I do not have closure. I would also like to explain my reasonings (no guilty party, just mostly communication issues) on filing. I know it will probably be a fruitless endeavor, and if she really cared about our marriage, she would had tried on repairing the marriage through separation and possibly even through divorce. I hate failure and not being able to get it off my chest. It's okay if I do not get a response (she's a big talker behind a persons back, but hates confrontation), or a negative response. I think I need to do it for myself. Perhaps, that will give me the closure I seek. It just bothers me that things are left unsaid.
> 
> Am I that screwed up for wanting to do this?


*You've got to admit that the American legal system, judiciary, and legislators have all literally worked overtime in screwing over the institution of marriage!

They all scare me sh!tless enough to ever consider marrying again!!*


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## Almost-Done

arbitrator said:


> *You've got to admit that the American legal system, judiciary, and legislators have all literally worked overtime in screwing over the institution of marriage!
> 
> They all scare me sh!tless enough to ever consider marrying again!!*


Yep, just amazing. I basically drained my savings to untie the knot. They've effectively killed the institution of marriage in my eyes. A prenup doesn't protect a person from insane legal bills. It was more to get divorced then to get married. I was taught marriage was such a wonderful thing. Maybe, at one time it was. Now, with these crazy lawyers, I just do not understand why anyone would do it. Would you believe, just to get an update on the status of the divorce, it would cost me 80 - 180 dollars for an e-mail response? It's highway robbery as far as I am concerned. What are you going to do? There is nothing that can be done. I hear it's even worse in Canada or Australia. I just would like to thank the legislators of the world for ruining what was once a beautiful and meaningful institution. Now, it's just a business contract between two people and the State. How sad. :frown2::frown2::frown2:


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## arbitrator

Almost-Done said:


> Yep, just amazing. I basically drained my savings to untie the knot. They've effectively killed the institution of marriage in my eyes. A prenup doesn't protect a person from insane legal bills. It was more to get divorced then to get married. I was taught marriage was such a wonderful thing. Maybe, at one time it was. Now, with these crazy lawyers, I just do not understand why anyone would do it. Would you believe, just to get an update on the status of the divorce, it would cost me 80 - 180 dollars for an e-mail response? It's highway robbery as far as I am concerned. What are you going to do? There is nothing that can be done. I hear it's even worse in Canada or Australia. I just would like to thank the legislators of the world for ruining what was once a beautiful and meaningful institution. Now, it's just a business contract between two people and the State. How sad. :frown2::frown2::frown2:


*Over the years, they have fixed the system to the point that the only permanent assurance is that the institution of marriage has largely been turned into a major profit center for the legal profession!

Family lawyers, with rare exception, are in the same category with ambulance chasing personal injury attorneys!

The sad fact of the matter remains that with the legislature, judiciary, and legal lobby being saturated by their ilk, that there will never ever be legislation submitted or passed to circumvent the atrocities perpetrated by this uncaring profession, except to continue to make matters far worse, and not better, for the average man!*


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## Diana7

Almost-Done said:


> I plan to file married, but separate as I know she'll owe a lot of $$$ due to all the sales of her investment accounts. I do not want to chase or be responsible any longer for her IRS tax bill. However, I still have to notify her of this. I plan to write a letter in terms of the tax filing and my final thoughts. It is okay that she doesn't respond or acknowledge. I did the same prior to filing for divorce; no response or acknowledgement. It will just help me find closure for myself, as I will prob. never receive it from her. I requested multiple times to meet with her during our separation (prior to filing), and she wasn't ready and declined each request. I just need to get it off my chest.
> 
> Should I sent it via e-mail or regular mail?


I would write a proper letter but keep a copy. Some people do that but dont actually send it. Its get the feelings and frustration out just by doing it.


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## Almost-Done

Diana7 said:


> I would write a proper letter but keep a copy. Some people do that but dont actually send it. Its get the feelings and frustration out just by doing it.


No doubt. However, I still have to inform her of the taxes, and I feel I should just get it off of my chest. I do not expect a response, but I think it would make me feel better. I've wrote several letters just going over my feelings and put them away. Does it make me weak to want to have closure? Not sure. Since she refused to do anything during separation and through the divorce, I feel like I will have no closure.


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## Marc878

She doesn't care. You can write 100 letters and it won't matter.

Quit wasting your time on this. Closure is a state of mind she's told you through her actions. 

Right now you are keeping yourself in limbo.


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## Marc878

Plus writing letters always make you look weak, whinny and needy. Is that what you want?


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## Diana7

Almost-Done said:


> No doubt. However, I still have to inform her of the taxes, and I feel I should just get it off of my chest. I do not expect a response, but I think it would make me feel better. I've wrote several letters just going over my feelings and put them away. Does it make me weak to want to have closure? Not sure. Since she refused to do anything during separation and through the divorce, I feel like I will have no closure.


No its not weak but you need to accept that you may not get it and move on anyway. 
My husbands first wife cheated and divorced him. She has never apologised or anything, but he moved on and we have now been happily married for 11 years.


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## Almost-Done

I know I am torn about this. I know the letter will mean nothing. Prob. just going to keep it to myself. I will just text her about the income tax and be done with it. Two lines, done and done. I think I may feel better once a Judge actually grants my freedom. Maybe then these whirlwind emotions will stop. Not sure why I am having them. I am the one who filed for divorce... Strange.


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## Marc878

No contact. You'll move forward a lot faster. After awhile it's out of sight out of mind.

You'll get there.


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## Marc878

I went back and read your previous posts. XW and you are totally incompatable. No sex for a year wouldn't sleep in the same bed? You seem to have trouble letting go for some reason.

You really got out lucky. You need to fix your tendencies for your next relationship and future.

Good luck to you


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## EleGirl

Almost-Done said:


> I plan to file married, but separate as I know she'll owe a lot of $$$ due to all the sales of her investment accounts. I do not want to chase or be responsible any longer for her IRS tax bill. However, I still have to notify her of this. I plan to write a letter in terms of the tax filing and my final thoughts. It is okay that she doesn't respond or acknowledge. I did the same prior to filing for divorce; no response or acknowledgement. It will just help me find closure for myself, as I will prob. never receive it from her. I requested multiple times to meet with her during our separation (prior to filing), and she wasn't ready and declined each request. I just need to get it off my chest.


The tax rate for married-but-separate is much higher than married. You might want to run it both ways to see which one works better for you.


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## Diana7

Almost-Done said:


> I know I am torn about this. I know the letter will mean nothing. Prob. just going to keep it to myself. I will just text her about the income tax and be done with it. Two lines, done and done. I think I may feel better once a Judge actually grants my freedom. Maybe then these whirlwind emotions will stop. Not sure why I am having them. I am the one who filed for divorce... Strange.


Ending a marriage will always be painful. It takes time to begin to heal and be able to move on. Once you are divorced you can cut off all contact and that will help.


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## Bananapeel

If I were you I'd make sure to be the first one to file. This way if there is a credit that you both try to claim, you'd get it because you filed first. I'd get taxes done ASAP and then send her a notification of how you filed so she can get hers done correctly.


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## happy2gether

honestly it usually is already spelled out in the papers, why is it your responsibility to make sure SHE files properly? I would not notify her of a thing, just file ASAP and make sure you claim everything you can legally claim before she does.

When I got divorced from my 1st wife it was in the papers that I got the tax credits/deductions for our son. She tried nearly every year to claim him, and when I would file it would get rejected. I would then have to send the IRS/State a copy of the decree and they would "fix" it until the next year. After 4-5 years I started remembering to actually send a copy with my returns and never had an issue again.


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## ChipperE

In regards to the letter...is there anything at all she could say that would make you feel better? What are you hoping for. If you're hoping that she will reply with an "Im sorry" or any remorse..she won't. During my separation I wrote my husband a couple letters. Each one I started with "This letter is for me, not for you. Please do not reply".For me it was getting my feelings out there and not looking for anything from him. If you can send a letter that you send into the wind (meaning you don't care if she reads it) then I say go for it. Unfortunately you will get nothing from her so do not expect it. If you send it, do so with that mindset and that it is your "farewell". And move on.


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## Almost-Done

Marc878 said:


> I went back and read your previous posts. XW and you are totally incompatable. No sex for a year wouldn't sleep in the same bed? You seem to have trouble letting go for some reason.
> 
> You really got out lucky. You need to fix your tendencies for your next relationship and future.
> 
> Good luck to you


Not that matters, before marriage and into the first year, we were two peas in a pod. Once she turned 40, everything went to sh!t. Pre-marriage no issues. I am working on myself.. Rome wasn't built in a day as they say.


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## Almost-Done

EleGirl said:


> The tax rate for married-but-separate is much higher than married. You might want to run it both ways to see which one works better for you.


True, but she is going to owe mucho $$$ and I do not want to run after her for the money. Rather bit the bullet with the IRS than deal with chasing her to pay her bill.


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## Almost-Done

Diana7 said:


> Ending a marriage will always be painful. It takes time to begin to heal and be able to move on. Once you are divorced you can cut off all contact and that will help.


Agreed. Just trying to get to the finish line.


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## Almost-Done

happy2gether said:


> honestly it usually is already spelled out in the papers, why is it your responsibility to make sure SHE files properly? I would not notify her of a thing, just file ASAP and make sure you claim everything you can legally claim before she does.
> 
> When I got divorced from my 1st wife it was in the papers that I got the tax credits/deductions for our son. She tried nearly every year to claim him, and when I would file it would get rejected. I would then have to send the IRS/State a copy of the decree and they would "fix" it until the next year. After 4-5 years I started remembering to actually send a copy with my returns and never had an issue again.


Not the taxes. Guess NY is different. Since she's on my tax return either I or the attorney must notify her. This is what my attorney told me.


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## Almost-Done

ChipperE said:


> In regards to the letter...is there anything at all she could say that would make you feel better? What are you hoping for. If you're hoping that she will reply with an "Im sorry" or any remorse..she won't. During my separation I wrote my husband a couple letters. Each one I started with "This letter is for me, not for you. Please do not reply".For me it was getting my feelings out there and not looking for anything from him. If you can send a letter that you send into the wind (meaning you don't care if she reads it) then I say go for it. Unfortunately you will get nothing from her so do not expect it. If you send it, do so with that mindset and that it is your "farewell". And move on.


Originally, just trying to get closure on my end. I know she'll not respond, or respond with a I didn't leave, you did. Some BS like that. Prior to the divorce filing, I wrote her a letter, no response. She's more of a type of person who will speak behind your back, whereas I am more of the type of person, if I have an issue, I will bring it to you to discuss. She doesn't like confrontation. I can see how it will make me weak and longing for her, which is a negative on both. It'll be nice if she took some responsibility, however, I know that is far fetched. Once I get the sign-off from the Judge, I will just inform her about the tax filing and be done.


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## ChipperE

Almost-Done said:


> Originally, just trying to get closure on my end. I know she'll not respond, or respond with a I didn't leave, you did. Some BS like that. Prior to the divorce filing, I wrote her a letter, no response. She's more of a type of person who will speak behind your back, whereas I am more of the type of person, if I have an issue, I will bring it to you to discuss. She doesn't like confrontation. I can see how it will make me weak and longing for her, which is a negative on both. It'll be nice if she took some responsibility, however, I know that is far fetched. Once I get the sign-off from the Judge, I will just inform her about the tax filing and be done.


I think that is a good plan. When you send that letter you give her control to reply or not reply. It's time for YOU to have the control. I know it's tough!!


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## Married but Happy

OP, I suggest you send a registered return receipt letter notifying her about tax filing, and that you will file as married filing separately. Keep it to that, other than any information needed to each properly file your tax returns. I'd also suggest that you file it ASAP (before she can) with any items that might be in contention, so she can't file using the same items (assuming there are any).

If you have more to say to her, keep it separate from business.


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## Almost-Done

ChipperE said:


> I think that is a good plan. When you send that letter you give her control to reply or not reply. It's time for YOU to have the control. I know it's tough!!


Funny you say that. As far fetched as it may seem, she claims I had all the control in the relationship.


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## Almost-Done

Married but Happy said:


> OP, I suggest you send a registered return receipt letter notifying her about tax filing, and that you will file as married filing separately. Keep it to that, other than any information needed to each properly file your tax returns. I'd also suggest that you file it ASAP (before she can) with any items that might be in contention, so she can't file using the same items (assuming there are any).
> 
> If you have more to say to her, keep it separate from business.


Thinking that would be a better idea as well. However, I do not know her apt. #. She conveniently left it off the papers, only her address. Would she still receive it? I searched on the Internet, and it also only lists the building address for her, but no apt #. The other alternative would be to send it to her place of work or her parents home.


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## BetrayedDad

Almost-Done said:


> Am I that screwed up for wanting to do this?


Do yourself a favor OP.

Grab some paper and a pencil. Get sh!t faced drunk and pour your heart and guts out in the letter telling her EVERYTHING you've ever wanted to say....

Then burn the letter. There's your closure. She's not worth the $0.46 stamp or the satisfaction her seeing you so weak will give. Closure is for YOU, not her.


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## browser

Almost-Done said:


> I just would like to thank the legislators of the world for ruining what was once a beautiful and meaningful institution. Now, it's just a business contract between two people and the State. How sad. :frown2::frown2::frown2:


The legislators didn't ruin marriage. They ruined divorce. Actually I think the legislators did what they could, the attorneys are the ones that really run the show, to their own benefit. 

If your marriage was healthy you wouldn't be complaining about the divorce laws. 

Oh and by the way, marriage IS a business contract. Nothing more. It's been that way for at least the past half century.


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## Almost-Done

Never understood the professional shots. One can see them a mile away. I did take some new shots of myself and uploaded them. I have more interest, however, it's hard for me to manage more than one woman at a time due to also running a hectic business and putting out fires. This was a lot easier ten years ago.


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## Almost-Done

browser said:


> The legislators didn't ruin marriage. They ruined divorce. Actually I think the legislators did what they could, the attorneys are the ones that really run the show, to their own benefit.
> 
> If your marriage was healthy you wouldn't be complaining about the divorce laws.
> 
> Oh and by the way, marriage IS a business contract. Nothing more. It's been that way for at least the past half century.


Isn't it funny that most legislators ARE in fact LAWYERS?


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## Haiku

It's moot but the taxes should have been addressed in the settlement. 
The 'investments' were assets and most likely marital assets. 
They must have been called out in the property settlement as well as the tax obligation generated from any portion liquidated. 

This was a big miss on the part of the op and his wife and their attorney(s).


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## Almost-Done

Haiku said:


> It's moot but the taxes should have been addressed in the settlement.
> The 'investments' were assets and most likely marital assets.
> They must have been called out in the property settlement as well as the tax obligation generated from any portion liquidated.
> 
> This was a big miss on the part of the op and his wife and their attorney(s).


No, not really. I wasn't after her gains. I am the one who managed the investments, and she had about a 30% gain due to my work. I didn't want to fight nor cause any further issues between us. I just wanted the signed piece of paper. Mine were thansferred to a third part prior to marriage; which was discloused to her prior to marriage as well. She stated she forgot, however a signed piece of paper helped her jog her memory.


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## MrsHolland

Almost-Done said:


> Yep, just amazing. I basically drained my savings to untie the knot. They've effectively killed the institution of marriage in my eyes. A prenup doesn't protect a person from insane legal bills. It was more to get divorced then to get married. I was taught marriage was such a wonderful thing. Maybe, at one time it was. Now, with these crazy lawyers, I just do not understand why anyone would do it. Would you believe, just to get an update on the status of the divorce, it would cost me 80 - 180 dollars for an e-mail response? It's highway robbery as far as I am concerned. What are you going to do? There is nothing that can be done. * I hear it's even worse in Canada or Australia*. I just would like to thank the legislators of the world for ruining what was once a beautiful and meaningful institution. Now, it's just a business contract between two people and the State. How sad. :frown2::frown2::frown2:


Not quite true in Aussie. My ex and I had zero costs to divorce except for about $100 to lodge the paperwork. We wrote our own settlement and had FREE but mandatory pre divorce mediation.

The real problems start when the parties involved choose to fight through Lawyers then the costs can be in the 10's of thousands. It is such an overheated, emotional time but when you think about it logically it is stupid to pay loads of money to Lawyers when in the end the court has a fairly set formula for settlements and child custody so there is no point fighting. We did 50/50 co parenting from day one which is standard for most cases unless one parent is not fit to have more custody. 

As for closure, I knew I would never get it from MrH v.1 so I wrote myself a letter as if it was from him, I wrote all the things I needed to hear to get closure but knew he was not capable of saying. I kept the letter for some time then one day about 2 years later found it while clearing out some paperwork, read it again for the last time then tore it up. writing this letter really helped me move on in a healthy way. Mind you our marriage did not end due to cheating or any other abuse.


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