# My kids meeting his new girlfriend



## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi all,

I've been away from the forum as a poster but still been lingering reading others post for support.

5 months down the line for me since separation and I'm doing really well!! I've been out on a few dates and me and the kids are getting on with our new life quite nicely.

For those not aware of my story, in a nutshell we separated beginning of May this year. 5 weeks after he moved out he started seeing what is now his girlfriend. Less than 3 months after meeting her he has now moved in with her. She has no kids of her own and as far as I'm aware has not been married. I haven't met her but have gleaned this much info from him. I have no negative feelings towards her at all. She sounds like a good person and I am happy he has moved on. 

He has maintained constant contact with our 2 kids (6 & 2), he sees them every Sunday and calls every night. The one proviso I requested from him was that he wasn't to introduce the new girl until I felt it was appropriate and he has stuck to that.

Yesterday he said he wanted to introduce his new girlfriend to the kids. When I asked why, he just said that he wants to do more than take the kids to the local soft play centre but that he would struggle to do this on his own and he wanted her there to help him. I have concerns that a 3 month relationship isn't long enough to start bringing the kids into. I'm still trying to convince my 6 year old that whenever I go out, I will be coming home again. I worry that they may get attached to someone else and if it ends, as the constant person in their lives, I'm going to be left to pick up the pieces again.

And on a totally selfish level (and I know this is ridiculous and totally my problem) I am terrified of another woman coming into their lives and while not taking over my place as mummy, spending time with my kids when I'm not there and for the kids to see her in that role as the parter of their daddy. I also hate the idea of them all being out together and strangers seeing them as a family. Like I say, I know this is totally my problem that I need to get over, and I need to relax on this point but any helpful pointers on how would be great!

I appreciate that this may be garbled and a bit out of kilter so anything else I can add to the tale, just ask and I will fill in any gaps.

Thanks for any help on this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That's a tough one... Sounds like you're both moving on with your lives, with no real chance of reconciliation. And he's jumped feet first into another relationship. On one hand, I would agree that it's too soon to introduce her to the kids, but he lives with her. What will they do they when the kids stay over? Or is that just never going to happen? And at least he's asked, first.

In my case, I also started seeing someone way too soon after separating 7 months ago. We see a lot each other, and fell in love. But she has never met the kids (10 and 12), and I can't imagine that happening before the divorce is final and the relationship takes another step or two forward. That wouldn't happen till after at least a year is up, since that's the mandatory separation period here. I just wouldn't let the relationship get that serious until that was up, if I could at all help it.

That doesn't help at all, I know! . Do you have an individual counselor to bounce this off of? Might be something to explore, if you don't. Or is finding someone as a post marriage counselor an option, to help mediate this decision. A clergy member, your previous marriage counselor, or a family counselor? My biggest concern would be that the relationship won't last, and the kids would be hurt by someone else being removed from their lives. You're a big girl, so you can work through your own feelings more effectively, or will just have to suck it up. But they need someone to protect them. I think that has to be our primary focus in situations like this, first and foremost. What's best for the kids.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Sunflower Faerie said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I've been away from the forum as a poster but still been lingering reading others post for support.
> 
> ...


Sunflower,

Just let it happen, I understand your issues, but it's more of a YOU thing then the kids thing.

My ex was relatively normal but as soon as i met someone she totally FLIPPED. She flipped even more after she knew my kids were saying nice things about my new partner.
Their was nothing in place saying we can ONLY introduce kids to a new partner if the other agrees, nor should their be. 
I was almost paranoid about introducing my kids to my new partner because I knew the ex would flip her lid. 

At the end of the day we live seperate lives and I realised that and thought, hmmm, it's really none of her business now.

The ex then entered the Parental Alienation game. The kids need both Bio parents to operate still as a partnership but at a distance. 

I know this sounds blunt and abrasive but you two live seperate lives now but with something in common.
What your ex does in his time with the children is his business.
And what you do in your time with the children is your business.

You need to lose the control factor. 

Show support and say nice things and the kids will blossom. 
If he breaks up with this new woman 3 months down the track then 'That's Life'


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## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm not flipping my lid at the new partner. I'm just concerned for the welfare of my kids. I know that a part of it is my issue and I'm trying very hard for that not to have any affect on the choices and decisions I make for my kids.

The only reason the request for not introducing her without my say so was made is because I knew (and was right) that he would take off at a thousand miles an hour with his new relationship and I didn't want my kids to get confused about his new partner. I am still helping my 6 year old through the separation and I really feel that introducing a new person into her life at the moment would be a bad idea.

There is no way on earth we will reconcile as a couple and we are both much better out of the marriage so its not a jealousy issue as far as he is concerned. I don't think I will ever be comfortable with a "stepmother" figure in my children's life, but as I said before, that is totally my issue and not one I am using against the meet up.

My biggest concern is that they have only known eachother for 3 months. What he does in his life is not my concern, but when it has an impact on my children, I have every right to worry about the consequences as the person in their lives daily. When you say what he does with the kids in his time is his business is correct to a certain extent, but when it has the risk of upsetting or confusing the children, I have the right to a say in what goes on.

I'm not saying they should never meet, but I don't understand why it has to be so soon. Why can't he keep the 2 parts of his life separate for now?! I would not dream of introducing a man into their life after such a short period of time!!


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I think it is not realistic if he lives with her then in a sense you have to respect that. If he lives with her and he wants to introduce his kids to her he does have a right to they are his kids too. I would suggest that you ALL go out and start getting to know each other to make it easier on the kids to see their father. If the bigger picture are the kids then you should all sit down have a talk feel her out and do something wit all of you at your house or something then when she IS alone with the kids you won't feel so uneasy.


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## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

I do respect that they are living together, as I said, what he does is his business, but when it comes down to the kids, I need to think of what is best for them. I don't care what he does when they aren't around but I need to be concerned about who is involved in my children's life. I don't know this woman and after 3 months, he can't know her that well! They are still in the early stages of their relationship and so far, no-one has been able to say anything to convince me that a 3 month relationship is long term enough to introduce my children to.

He has as much say in their life as I do and I have tried very hard to get him to be more involved with them and the day to day decisions I need to make for them. He is a good dad and I have never once said anything bad about him within earshot of the kids. 

I have made allowances on this issue but I do feel like I'm being forced into it. What we have agreed on is that over the next couple of days, I will introduce my 6 year old to the subject of grown up relationships on a level I think she will understand. Later in the week, he will come here and we are both going to sit down with her and explain about Daddy's new girlfriend and that he lives with her. We have agreed to let our daughter make the decision about meeting. If she doesn't want to then he will accept it and if she does want to meet then I will accept it. Before they all meet, I will be meeting the girlfriend on our own without my ex being there so I can hopefully explain to her my personal issues about the "stepmother" point and agree on some guidelines (not rules) about how I would like things to progress. The first few meet-up between her and the kids will be done gradually and only be for an hour or so to start with and build up to more.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Sunflower Faerie said:


> I do respect that they are living together, as I said, what he does is his business, but when it comes down to the kids, I need to think of what is best for them. I don't care what he does when they aren't around but I need to be concerned about who is involved in my children's life. I don't know this woman and after 3 months, he can't know her that well! They are still in the early stages of their relationship and so far, no-one has been able to say anything to convince me that a 3 month relationship is long term enough to introduce my children to.
> 
> He has as much say in their life as I do and I have tried very hard to get him to be more involved with them and the day to day decisions I need to make for them. He is a good dad and I have never once said anything bad about him within earshot of the kids.
> 
> I have made allowances on this issue but I do feel like I'm being forced into it. What we have agreed on is that over the next couple of days, I will introduce my 6 year old to the subject of grown up relationships on a level I think she will understand. Later in the week, he will come here and we are both going to sit down with her and explain about Daddy's new girlfriend and that he lives with her. We have agreed to let our daughter make the decision about meeting. If she doesn't want to then he will accept it and if she does want to meet then I will accept it. Before they all meet, I will be meeting the girlfriend on our own without my ex being there so I can hopefully explain to her my personal issues about the "stepmother" point and agree on some guidelines (not rules) about how I would like things to progress. The first few meet-up between her and the kids will be done gradually and only be for an hour or so to start with and build up to more.


I think it is only natural to feel what you do. But you just have to let it happen. Kids are immensely resilient. 
Could be worse he could be a drug addict and his new woman one as well and couldn't care less about the kids.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

EXACTLY!!!!! I agree with mrnice


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