# So Confused



## applerose (Oct 24, 2012)

I think I'm going NUTS!!!! One minute, I'm ready to leave my hubby for a better life and then the next minute, I don't care about our finances...as long as we are together...thats all I need.....:rofl:
This roller-coaster has been going on for about 10 years...sometimes I don't know which way to turn...I pray that our living arrangement would get better...but it doesn't.
Here...Let me explain what is going on...

Mike is my 3rd marriage....my 1st ended in divorce and I was widowed in my 2nd...about 15 months after the death of hubby #2, I ran into Mike...Mike and I have known one another for over 20 years (we had actually dated when I was 16 and he 21)...When Mike learned of my hubands passing and how long it had been....he asked if I were dating...well...long story short...we were married 2 mo. later and have been married for a little over 12 years.
When we married...I had a house (no payment - left to me by late hubby), I had a new car(making payments) and I was drawing SSI for my boys, due to late hubby, plus working...needless to say I could make ALL my bills and have left-over spending money, which I would spend on my boys or myself and put a little in savings. About 6 mo. into the marriage, I started to notice money was not going as far as it use to and I needed to make changes...after a year I was talked into selling my home that my late hubby left me along with the 12 acres...got quite a big chunk for all that...enough to put a hugh down payment on a home and furnished the new home plus live a pretty good life style. 4 years later I would have lost it all..in those 4 years I would have bought Mike 4 or 5 trucks, a number of guns and knives for hunting, gave his greedy son tons of money and then had to put up with Mike not working for 7 months...next thing I knew...there was no money and I was losing my house...that was the first time I asked Mike to leave.**(please notice...I was not buying me and my boys anything...as a matter of fact...I had to work an extra job to put school clothes on my boy's backs...:scratchhead

I don't have to tell you that I took him back...do I?
Well I tought it was gonna be different...so I did .....I took him back and we moved to a rental...that was more expensive then the mortgage we were paying...so fast-forward here...after that house we ended-up moving 5 more times and this last time (#6) has us living with his sister and brother inlaw...in a trailer, paying $680 per mo.(that's rent and 1/2 all the bills) well...we've been here right at 2 years and its driving me CRAZY...we are worst off now then we were when we first moved in...I have no life just work and come home...sister cooks because of the hours I put in...I don't grocery shop, because we have no money after we pay "them" and pay for other outstanding bills...
My job brings in very little money...but I work for the benefits (we're well covered)
and his job is very low pay...so when the pressure builds and builds and builds..I find myself wishing myself single or with someone who knows how to budget. I have a very hard life and I blame "him"...I know I have not said enough for all this to make sense and my reasoning behind my insane madness...but I have to go for right now...I can explain and get into more detail tomorrow...until then TTFN.


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

Who is looking out for the kids, it's obvious nobody? A man that cannot and will not take care of you does not love you or your kids. I am sure the kids can see what is going. I am never worried for adults they make their choices. I am always more concerned for the poor kids that have to thru all these trauma inflicted on them by people that are supposed to protect them. Nothing like stability and peace of mind. A relationship without that is not worth having.:scratchhead:


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

Hate to ask but why blame him? why not blame yourself for letting all this happen? i see you tried to make it work and stick it out. for that is commendable but at this point you need to look out for you and your children.

now you are sacrificing and working your butt off. can you leave him and start fresh?

just some thoughts. sounds like you had it all under control til you met this guy and got married quickly. then the downward spiral began and it appears you have trouble saying no??? just from what i'm reading that's what i get.

Joe


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

Clark G said:


> just some thoughts. sounds like you had it all under control til you met this guy and got married quickly. then the downward spiral began and* it appears you have trouble saying no???* just from what i'm reading that's what i get.


:iagree: That was my first impression when reading your post.


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## applerose (Oct 24, 2012)

luvintokyo said:


> Who is looking out for the kids, it's obvious nobody? A man that cannot and will not take care of you does not love you or your kids. I am sure the kids can see what is going. I am never worried for adults they make their choices. I am always more concerned for the poor kids that have to thru all these trauma inflicted on them by people that are supposed to protect them. Nothing like stability and peace of mind. A relationship without that is not worth having.:scratchhead:


I tended to my kids...I did without(which is what a parent is suppose to do) and worked an extra job to make sure they had the things they needed...my children are grown now...my oldest is in the Navy and my youngest is out on his own and doing great...yes, they did see what was going on and ask me to kick him on his butt many times...he and I have separated several times the longest was 2 mo. but here is the problem....I can not say NO...so its my fault that Im in the predicument that I'm in...I realize that I need to face my fear, put my "big girl"panties on and make a decision. What am I afraid of?... being alone, starting over,hurting him and just plain failure. I tell myself over and over again that just because he is sweet, handsome,sexy and loves the ground I walk on, that is no reason to stay...that I need stability....we are empty-nesters now and its harder now for me to leave then it was before...what is wrong with me?
***as a side note...the thread I left yesterday was all the things that went wrong at the beginning of the marriage...I thats when I should have left....I'm not really asking for advice...I think I know the answer...I justneed a sound board to help me think more clearly and make me stronger.


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## applerose (Oct 24, 2012)

Clark G said:


> Hate to ask but why blame him? why not blame yourself for letting all this happen? i see you tried to make it work and stick it out. for that is commendable but at this point you need to look out for you and your children.
> 
> now you are sacrificing and working your butt off. can you leave him and start fresh?
> 
> ...


You are absolutly right...and I know that its my fault..please read the quote that I left for "luvintokyo "...right now I can not make it on my own...I'm gonna need help...I have a friend that said I could move in with her until I could get back on my feet...the problem is that she lives in another state and I would have to quit my job here(that I have had for 16 years)...and I don't want to leave my family or my town that I grew up in also I'm 2 years away from 50....I'm just scared...and YES you are right...I can not say NO...I'm getting alot better at saying that word...for example...this morning he asked me to borrow $$$from my Credit Union so he can buy him a truck..I looked at him like he was crazy...and said "We can not even keep one car on tha road, what make you think we could keep two?" Yes I got sassy...but a sickning feeling came over me and I know its never gonna get better, its never gonna end...my mother told me that he is gonna work me to death and If I don't die, when Im too old to work...what was I gonna do? I know what I need to do...I guess I need to just talk this out...I'm using this web site as sort of therapy.


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## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

Bottom line, he seems to love the ground your money walks on. 

So you either leave or you and your children continue to go without. The choice is yours, your children should always come first... you have a responsibility towards them until they are adults.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have a job. You do not have ownership in the trailer you live in. 

You don't have to ask him to leave. You can leave... leave him and the trailer and his family. Just pack up and go.

Do you have a relative of yours who you can move in with.. someone who you can stay with for say 6 months while you get your self to a healthier place financially and emotionally?

You are doing this to yourself. 

(YOu know this but you probably need others to confirm it to you.)


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## applerose (Oct 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You have a job. You do not have ownership in the trailer you live in.
> 
> You don't have to ask him to leave. You can leave... leave him and the trailer and his family. Just pack up and go.
> 
> ...


Easier said than done....You're right, I DO know what I need to do...thats the problem...I can not understand why I'm having such a hard time leaving...I can not for the life of me understand why I put myself through this. I do have family that will help me...but they said they will not help if I'm going to be wishy-washy...they said I have to be 100% ready (NO GOING BACK...which I have done 4 or 5 times already) to leave him, before they will help me.


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