# Custody Help



## HRD (26 d ago)

My wife told me she wanted a divorce. Our marriage wasn't good. We are talking about custody. he is a great mother and we both agree to be co-parents and work on keep a family with our kids. I want 50/50 custody and she want an extra day (8/14) so 57/43. I work in a service industry and in the past worked long hours and weekends. She was primary caregiver and I was primary earner (she has a good job but very flexible schedule). She is asking for the extra day because she is closer to the kids because she is primary caregiver. Day will be week day. Should I give her the extra day every two weeks? I want to do what's right for the kids. Am I being selfish asking for that day?


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Are you no longer working those hours? It sounds like you might see them more now if you gave up crazy hours. The mother in me says give her the extra day, especially since she has been their primary caregiver and this will be such a huge change for them. Were you a cheater, abusive or an addict? Was she? If you’re none of these things and a great dad, you don’t have to, especially if she initiated the divorce without reason, but it sounds like there was reason. What would the kids want? That’s where the answer lies.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You do you, and what you can swing. Forget about her wants. 50/50 is what should be, unless you think that it's better for the kids the extra day with the mother, or your job won't give you the flexibility.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We need more personal information on this situation.

You said your marriage was not good, but that she is a good mother.

So, she was not a good wife?
Yeah, I know, that seems obvious, but may not be the truth..

But, what broke the marriage.

Better answers come with better background data.


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## HRD (26 d ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Are you no longer working those hours? It sounds like you might see them more now if you gave up crazy hours. The mother in me says give her the extra day, especially since she has been their primary caregiver and this will be such a huge change for them. Were you a cheater, abusive or an addict? Was she? If you’re none of these things and a great dad, you don’t have to, especially if she initiated the divorce without reason, but it sounds like there was reason. What would the kids want? That’s where the answer lies.


I am going to rework my hours to be there for my times. Just make up the hours in the evening or on days without my kids. There will be days (I counted 2 in the next 3 months) where I will have to out of town for work or work late so I will give her right of first refusal which she'll take. If not, I will make other arrangements. No one cheated or addicted to drugs. I never got an answer other than we started to become co-habitats. We both avoid conflict and she even admitted we are both at fault. Just sort of drifted apart. 

Kids are young all under 9. I haven't asked them because I don't want to bring them into it.


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## HRD (26 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> We need more personal information on this situation.
> 
> You said your marriage was not good, but that she is a good mother.
> 
> ...


Bad communication broke the marriage along with us being conflict avoidance. We never really agreed on some things but I always caved to keep the peace even if I thought it was wrong. I can't think if this is the same (me caving) or is it good for the kids for her to have the extra day. They are closer to her. She admitted and my kids admitted that I am a good Dad. Parenting together is one thing we did well. Only difference is she did so much more with them than me because I worked to provide. I keep thinking we are just repeating history.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Do 50/50.

There isn't any reason not to. And, she'll get much more in child support, probably, if you give her more days. 

If you do less than 50/50 I think you will live to bitterly regret it!


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@HRD 
if she gets a boyfriend and most likely she already has, he will spend more time with your kids than you. how do you feel about that?
if it was me, HELL NO - you only see them 50% of the time from 100% before divorce and now you want to give up more? 

kids forget fast and grow fast - and you spend less time with them will cause them to drift away from you and find someone else as their Dad. 

what's good for the kids - having both parents. if you and your wife thought about the kids you would have made it work for their sake since there is no cheating involved. 

I quit a high-paying job that needed me to travel once a month so I can spend more time with my kids.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

HRD said:


> I am going to rework my hours to be there for my times. Just make up the hours in the evening or on days without my kids. There will be days (I counted 2 in the next 3 months) where I will have to out of town for work or work late so I will give her right of first refusal which she'll take. If not, I will make other arrangements. No one cheated or addicted to drugs. I never got an answer other than we started to become co-habitats. We both avoid conflict and she even admitted we are both at fault. Just sort of drifted apart.
> 
> Kids are young all under 9. I haven't asked them because I don't want to bring them into it.


I find this reason for divorce to be the worst of them all, when children are involved. Because it’s a non-reason. Sorry she went this direction instead of giving you both an opportunity to fix things. The mother in me will NEVER understand choosing to live half time with my kids, especially such little ones (barring serious or dangerous circumstances, of course).


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Custody is not a math problem. If she has the more flexible schedule, let her have the extra day. Make the time you have with your kids meaningful. Don't worry so much about the #s. If there is point when you want them more / longer if you have been accomodating now & you & your EX are being civil, it should all be fine. 

The goal is harmony & doing what is in the best interest of the kids. It's not about mathematical precision.


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