# Ladies, I need advice from Venus please!



## FrustratedLover (Sep 9, 2014)

So...you've probably seen this question asked before from other guys. But I want a fresh and more personal take on it looking from different view points.

I have been married for 10 years now. I love sex and think its one of the greatest thing this earth has to offer. A healthy frequent sex life was one of the things I was most looking forward to in marriage and really didn't give a whole lot of thought to the fact that it might not happen. When my wife and I were first dating she seemed pretty horny. We would mess around and do lots of sexual things fully exposed to each other and she would get off by just rubbing on me but we saved sex for marriage. She was a virgin and I only had one other partner. The honeymoon was very disappointing for me. I envisioned every day filled with sex and fun play between us, getting to know eachother physically and mentally. But real life came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. The night of the wedding I figured she would be all excited to have sex for the first time, but she was more interested in going to sleep. I was disappointed but I figured she was just tired and exhausted from all the wedding stuff and was very patient and understanding. When we arrived at our tropical honeymoon destination and got settled in we had sex but she didn't even seem interested in it. She certainly wasn't horny like when we were dating. She's been to the doctor and there is nothing physically wrong with her. She is a beautiful, athletic, and attractive woman.
Anyway, long story short, 10 years later and she still is not that interested in sex. If it were up to her she could go for months without sex and be perfectly happy. As it is she just concedes to have sex with me about once every 2-3 weeks if I'm lucky. She really enjoys oral sex (what woman doesn't) but she doesn't even initiate that. She has never really initiated sex at all. It really makes me feel sad, dejected and unloved.

Not to be conceited or anything, but I don't think I'm a bad looking guy. I'm very active and athletic, six pac abs, toned, clean, trim, and generally well kept. And no, I'm not lacking in the under-the-belt region either. 

I am very very patient and don't want to give up, but I feel like I'm about to reach a breaking point. I need more sex. I need to feel her wanting me physically. I need to feel that deep desire from her. 
I'm in serious need of some good advice and insight from the opposite sex to understand what she needs. Afterall, men are from Mars and women are from Venus right... 

How on earth can I make my wife more interested in sex? 
What could possibly be hindering her libido?
What are some things a guy can do to really just turn their woman on and get her wanting it?
What can we do to be more sexually appealing to our woman?

And the last question that I have been wondering lately after 10 years of hum-drum sex...well really a few questions in one:

Do women actually crave sex like guys do...I mean, do they really just physically crave to be penetrated by a man like a man craves to penetrate a woman to feel that heart pounding surge of emotion and bliss with their partner so close in their arms that they can jsut feel their soul? 

Do they want to just explore every way (within reasonable limits) to be physically close to their partner? 

Does an orgasm with your partner in your arms just feel like the best thing the earth has to offer like it does for a man?

Does just the thought of having sex with your partner turn you on? 

Or is it different for a woman, is the motivation to have sex different? What is it that makes women want to have sex and seek it out frequently?

Are there certain possitions that are less painful and more stimulating for her? What do women like during sex?

Was I just pipe dreaming thinking that I could have a woman that is as interested in sex as I am?
Is it all just an act for women like the ones you see in movies dreaming about sex, or the women in porn just screaming and moaning in extacy while having sex like they're having the greatest time of their lives? Could any of that be real or is it all just acting? 

Maybe if I knew the answer to these questions I could solve my delimna.
Any advice from Venus (or enlightented men) is greatly appreciated.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Welcome to the 'Sexually Uneducated and Aware Of It' club. 
It's not great but better than the much larger 'Sexually Uneducated' club. 
You're on the right track and there's a whole lot of reading for you to get you into the 'Sexually Educated' club. Suggestions will follow. 'She Comes First' might come first.
Good luck!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER

linked to below, also at amazon for the download.

What do the two of you do for a living?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By the way, are you honest with each other? Did you ever tell her how disappointed you were with your wedding night?

Does she know you consider your sex life/marriage a disaster?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

What does she say when you ask her why her sexual interest seemed to decline dramatically after your marriage? 

You have calmly discussed with her your disappointment, your views of the role of sexuality in a healthy marriage, your ideal frequency, and what you would like to see change regarding your shared sex life? Right?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FrustratedLover said:


> She certainly wasn't horny like when we were dating.


How long did you date before you got married? You said you didn't have sex til you got married, right?



FrustratedLover said:


> I am very very patient and don't want to give up, but I feel like I'm about to reach a breaking point. I need more sex. I need to feel her wanting me physically. I need to feel that deep desire from her.


Have you told her this? If not, do it today. Explain how this lack of sex in your marriage is making you feel. 

What is going on with her? Is she depressed? How are things between you guys? Generally, women need to feel an emotional connection that is good for some awesome sex. Are there problems in your marriage? It's not always going to be rainbows and butterflies, but not having sex for two or three months at at time is well on your way to a sexless marriage.

How old are you guys? Does she work? Children? Depression?



FrustratedLover said:


> Do women actually crave sex like guys do...I mean, do they really just physically crave to be penetrated by a man like a man craves to penetrate a woman to feel that heart pounding surge of emotion and bliss with their partner so close in their arms that they can jsut feel their soul?


Yes.




FrustratedLover said:


> Is it all just an act for women like the ones you see in movies dreaming about sex, or the women in porn just screaming and moaning in extacy while having sex like they're having the greatest time of their lives? Could any of that be real or is it all just acting?


Porn actresses are paid to look like that. That is not the same thing as a real woman and real sex. It's better in real life.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Venus has trouble grasping things


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon frustratedlover
Take a look at the many HD/LD (high desire / low desire ) threads here. This is a common and utterly miserable situation. Not a lot of good ideas on how to fix it.


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## FrustratedLover (Sep 9, 2014)

Zouz said:


> I was lost at that time ; now I have the full picture and I was able to ignate her sex drive again :
> 
> -From time to time make her jealous but not to extent of mistrust .
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice, I'll try that and see what happens.

To answer other questions:
Her excuses for not being interested in sex are many "too tired", "too busy", "too early", "just not in the mood", "too much other things to do" etc.
But her main line when I really try to pin her down on it is: "Women just aren't horny like guys are, you just need to get over it".

When I try to talk to her about sex she says it is a big turn off and it just makes her less interested in sex. She doesn't like to talk about ways that I could please her sexually. When were playing around she hates it when I ask her if something feels good.

I've described to her what sex is like for me and how important it is to me and she just says "well its just not that way for me".


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## FrustratedLover (Sep 9, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> How long did you date before you got married? You said you didn't have sex til you got married, right?


We dated for two years. Started getting really physical about 1 year into it.



Jellybeans said:


> Have you told her this? If not, do it today. Explain how this lack of sex in your marriage is making you feel.


Absolutely, she knows exactly how I feel about it but it doesn't seem important enough to her to try to change things.


Jellybeans said:


> What is going on with her? Is she depressed? How are things between you guys? Generally, women need to feel an emotional connection that is good for some awesome sex. Are there problems in your marriage? It's not always going to be rainbows and butterflies, but not having sex for two or three months at at time is well on your way to a sexless marriage.


Her lack of desire for sex is really the only issue in our marriage that causes problems for us. All other issues are directly related to that issue.
Other than that I absolutely love my wife. If she just liked sex she would be the perfect woman. We have a lot in common and enjoy doing stuff together, thats why I've stuck with it for so long.



Jellybeans said:


> How old are you guys? Does she work? Children? Depression?


We are in our early 30's. She does not work outside the home. We have one child 5 months old but that hasn't really changed anything on our sex life for better or for worse. She did have some depression for the first year of marriage but then she stopped taking the birth control pills and the depression went away. Her libido increased a little too once she stopped taking the pills and she was a lot nicer to be around. I blame a little bit of our issue on birth control pills as she started taking them a little while before we got married. But she hasn't been taking them for years now.



Jellybeans said:


> Yes.


Thank you for your honest answer (I think). You don't know how nice it is to hear that women have that deep desire too. It gives me hope.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Read the book suggested. It may be a little bit longer road ahead, but a fixable one.

My experience as a woman: I desire sex greatly when I feel loved and appreciated and attractive. How does your wife feel about all these things? A 5 month old baby definitely will put a damper in any womans feelings of attractiveness/sex role, whether you think so or not. Once a woman becomes a mother, A LOT of things change. Usually for the better in the long run though! So don't lose hope there.

I too wonder if the depression from the first year of marriage kinda set precedent. My first marriage was fairly sexless, and it was my depression, feelings of unworthiness, and feeling unloved from my spouce that contributed. The "tiredness" is very real, but sex doesn't always have to happen at night.

She may feel pressured, or she may just not really know what gets her going. When the two of you are together, do you make sure she gets "hers?" That is VERY important.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you asked her straight out if she was abused as a child or teenager?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I do desire sex a lot, I fantasize about it all the time. But years of marriage troubles, resentment towards my husband made me less eager to have actual sex iwth my husband. My body is on fire, and we just lay there next to each other, not interested in doing anything about it. We still do have sex, but it is not as often as we both probably would like.

The other thing - how creative are you in bed? is it always old same old same or you are trying something new? I admit, it seems it is harder for a man, especially HD wtih a LD spouse to do that. In my marriage I am the more creative one and kinky, but he usually laughed at my ideas. There is comfort to it when you know what to expect but once in a while we all crave something unexpected, exciting. I stopped suggesting new things, but I am still craving some adventure in bed.


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## FrustratedLover (Sep 9, 2014)

So I guess I need to clarify things a bit. The problem isn't that she won't have sex, it's that she is just uninterested. It's like a take it or leave it kind of thing for her. Often it even seems like a chore for her. There is generally no problem getting her to orgasm and sometimes she seems to really enjoy it. But if I don't initiate it it's totally out of sight out of mind for her and not worth any effort.

All the relationship books usually are more focused on rekindling your sex life or restoring that healthy sexual connection. 
I'm not trying to re-build, I'm trying to actually build one because I don't feel like we've ever really had one.

I wen't to the threads on the HD vs LD and that was some interesting reading, but really I found no good solutions anywhere in those threads.

The purpose of this thread is to really get some detailed feedback directly from women, hence the request from Venus in the thread title. I wan't to use the information I learn to think up of a really creative way to make my wife interested in having sex.

I would love to hear from both HD and LD women who can explain what it is that does or does not make the sex drive for them. I really want to know what makes women tick when it comes to sex. 

If you are LD (low desire), what kind of things would make you just really start thinking about sex and having sex? Physical things, emotional things, the little things, etc. What changes could your husband make that would cause you to really start noticing him and desiring him physically? Do you feel that it might be possible to become a HD woman given the right circumstances? Why is it that sex isn't that important to you? What are the things in your life that take precedence over sex and why? What is sex like for you; do you really get a deep pleasure from it or is it just something superficial to you? If you loathe sex, why? 

If you are HD (high desire), what is it that really makes you a sexual person? Have you just always been really interested in sex and thought about it frequently since you were young, or is it something that has arisen out of a good relationship or good sexual experiences with your partner(s)? Do you have suggestions that might help for me to implement in my own relationship? Do you have thoughts throughout the day about sex? Does the physical presence of your partner make you want to have sex with them or is it something they do for you?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

In answer to your questions:


> Do women actually crave sex like guys do...I mean, do they really just physically crave to be penetrated by a man like a man craves to penetrate a woman to feel that heart pounding surge of emotion and bliss with their partner so close in their arms that they can jsut feel their soul?


Yes.


> Do they want to just explore every way (within reasonable limits) to be physically close to their partner?


Yes.


> Does an orgasm with your partner in your arms just feel like the best thing the earth has to offer like it does for a man?


 sometimes.  Some are more earth shattering than others. The closeness afterwards is always welcome.


> Does just the thought of having sex with your partner turn you on?


 In my new relationship, yes. With my ex, not really, but that was due to my lack of trust in him.


> Or is it different for a woman, is the motivation to have sex different? What is it that makes women want to have sex and seek it out frequently?


 Motivation varies. Sometimes, I am seeking intimacy. Sometimes, comfort. Sometimes excitement and fun. It depends on what is happening in my day and my partner's day.


> Are there certain positions that are less painful and more stimulating for her? What do women like during sex?


 Not all women are the same. And at different times of the month, there are different positions that elicit different responses. Manual stim of the clit during penetration would be my suggestion. 


> Was I just pipe dreaming thinking that I could have a woman that is as interested in sex as I am?
> Is it all just an act for women like the ones you see in movies dreaming about sex, or the women in porn just screaming and moaning in extacy while having sex like they're having the greatest time of their lives? Could any of that be real or is it all just acting?


 Porn is acting. Just acting. Does your wife know you watch and is she ok with it? She may have an issue with that and it decreases her desire.

Regardless, if you make sex all about you, she is not going to be interested. I would suggest getting into therapy STAT. This has been going on 10 years and that is about 9.5 years too long.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

A couple of quick things that popped in my head reading this thread:

She's LD, you are likely normal desire. It happens, and it sucks.

You asked what things can be done to change her desire? Nothing. It won't change, except perhaps with time. Hormone levels change with age, so it's possible she could find her desire. Just as possible it decreases even more, too.

She's saying to you that women don't think about sex, etc. That's BS. She's straight up uneducated about sex. You two waited (well, she waited) for marriage to have sex, so the assumption is a religious background. Generally speaking, that is the message that is passed down, especially to women, when being brought up in a religious environment. Good girls don't think about sex, want sex, have sex, etc. It's all well and good when she's 15 years old, but those things carry over in adulthood because she's been conditioned to think sex isn't healthy, fun, important, whatever.

I believe this is the case with her. She associates negative things with sex, even with her husband and she's repressing her desire.

She clearly had some desire prior to marriage, and the impetus to explore. Perhaps, as said above, because it was "bad". Now that she is "allowed" to have sex, it isn't as exciting.

This is a sad predicament to be in. The waiting for marriage thing is admirable, to a certain extent. The issue usually lies in HOW the person is told to wait til marriage, and also any ensuing discussions about sex with parents, minister/pastor, etc. Often, sadly, sex is not talked about in a healthy light, as in "sex is awesome and fun and important - with your spouse." Too often, the positives are never mentioned, only the negatives. "God frowns on pre-marital sex. Sex is only for procreation. Good girls don't have urges", etc.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Once again, it pretty much all comes down to *libido.* You are normal to high, she is pretty darn low. We see this over and over on these boards. (There are other factors involve -- she is being selfish, not honoring her vows, not meeting your needs, etc. but that's another discussion.)

Bottom line -- you are a sexually mismatched couple. The fact that you didn't have previous sexual experience created a "crapshoot" situation -- who knew whether the sex would be good between you or not?

If you're sex drives and enthusiam are mismatched, these things generally don't improve.

I was in a VERY mismatched marriage for 20 years. My husband was very LD, general lack of interest in sex and intimacy, no desire to please me, etc. 

I got out. Best decision I ever made.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How varied is your sex life ?

How do you mAke her orgasam and could she be faking it?

Have you read neuklas' thread?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

FrustratedLover said:


> So I guess I need to clarify things a bit. The problem isn't that she won't have sex, it's that she is just uninterested. It's like a take it or leave it kind of thing for her. Often it even seems like a chore for her. There is generally no problem getting her to orgasm and sometimes she seems to really enjoy it. But if I don't initiate it it's totally out of sight out of mind for her and not worth any effort.


Many women have Responsive desire. That means they aren't spontaneously horny and seeking out sex. It means they will get turned on when YOU initiate with foreplay, and rarely any other time all on their own.

Expecting to "fix" her or for that to change is futile. She's not broken - her desire for sex is responsive.



> The purpose of this thread is to really get some detailed feedback directly from women, hence the request from Venus in the thread title. I wan't to use the information I learn to think up of a really creative way to make my wife interested in having sex.


Sexual arousal starts in the mind. Flirt all the time, long before you go to bed. Be affectionate and hug her, kiss her, caress her frequently. Be playful. With a new mom, her gears are wired toward baby and mommy duties. Switching gears to feeling sexy and wanting sex is going to take more time - her mind doesn't work the same as yours where you can be ready as soon as the word go.



> I would love to hear from both HD and LD women who can explain what it is that does or does not make the sex drive for them. I really want to know what makes women tick when it comes to sex.


Sex drive is a natural thing, driven by hormones. HD people and LD people are not able to change their hormones without medical intervention. So nothing short of hormones is going to change an LD person to an HD person, just as nothing will change a HD person to a LD person unless there is something physical or emotional going on - depression, illness, low testosterone, RESENTMENT, stress, etc.

For example, many LD women will naturally be interested in sex around ovulation. That's it.

Can your wife do anything to "make" you stop being HD? 
Can anyone change your appetite for food?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Women can and do have sexual desire like men. But our mental and emotional lives really effect it. Sounds to me like your wife was really never interested in it after you got married and my sofa-therapist perspective on that is that your wife, like a lot of women, doesn't think it's okay for wives and mothers to be too sexual. That's a deep-seated belief that can and does affect physical desire.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

One more question: is she on any hormonal contraceptives (pill, patch IUD)? For some women they can kill libido completely, and I'm talking here from my own experience.


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## FrustratedLover (Sep 9, 2014)

Thank you ladies for the detailed answers. They really do help to give me some insight into the issue. Another reason why I haven't given up is that for some reason I don't believe that she is truly a LD person at heart. At rare times she can get so excited while were having sex that he just about passes out from hyperventilation, and she can even be multi-orgasmic. I'll ask if she went already and she will say "yeah like 3 times already". You would think that if something was so good you would want more. But still it's out of sight out of mind with her and its difficult to get her going when I do initiate.

Really intimate sex though pretty much never happens. You know the kind, when your partner just pulls you and holds you so close that you can just feel the passion and love for you pouring out of them.
Really just good intimate sex 2-3 times a week would keep me happy, is that too much to ask of her? 

*GA HEART* - To answer your question. Yes, I make sure that she gets hers. In fact it is a huge turn on for me to do anything I can to help her get hers. But frequently she says that she doesn't want me to be trying so hard to get her off, she just wants to be finished and done with it. And like I mentioned before, she hates it when I enquire of her how something feels to her.

*WandaJ* - I would love to be creative with her sexually, I would be the most creative lover that ever walked the face of the earth, but she won't have it. She only likes missionary or her on top. She says its really the only positions that stimulate her, and many other positions can be painful. I love to give her oral because it really makes her hot, she beat my speed records for the "o" that way, but she often refuses it because she says its a little embaracing to her for me to have my face down there. By the way, she's never given me oral in the 10 years of marriage. Or at all for that matter. She just thinks it too gross and says it makes her gag.  I keep it really clean, trimmed, and scrubbed down there.
No, she's not on any contraceptives of any kind. They kill her libido flat. We found that out after our first year of marriage. We use condoms only. She likes it better that way anyway because then its not "messy".

*Fenix* - I really don't watch porn often. Just once in a blue moon when I just can't take it anymore and need a release. I'm not proud of it and don't like the fact that I do it, but sometimes something's gotta give or I would go insane. I don't tell her about it. I really don't think that would help the situation.
About therapy... Isn't that really expensive? Are there really ANY success stories for HD/LD couples that have come out of professional therapy? It seems to me like it would be a big money hole with very little positive outcome.

*alexm* - Yes, she is very religious and she has read books like, "I kissed dating goodbye". I am from the same religious background though and there is nothing that says that women can't completely and totally let it all go for their husbands.

*intheory* - Sexually, you are my dream woman. Can I transplant your sexual desire into my wife? That's pretty much how I expected all women to be. I guess I was pretty nieve huh? Life can be a bi*ch sometimes.

*Chaparral* - No, she was never abused. Our sex life is not varied but that's by her choice not mine. No she's not faking orgasms, she's a little embarrassed for me to see her horny so she actually tries to hide them in my opinion.

*norajane* - You might be partially right about her only having responsive desire, but I refuse to believe that she couldn't have active desire as well by making the right changes.
The reason I believe that people can change is the following:
I am an extremely HD person. I am one of those rare men that can have multiple orgasms if I'm good and turned on. 3 to 4 in a row, wait 15 minutes to half an hour and have another one. I could have sex all day long if my partner wanted to, and in every position and place imaginable. I think about sex all the time, wake up at full mast almost every morning. If an attractive woman walks by I can't help but look her way (probably wouldn't be the case if I got more sex). My wife is VERY attractive and being around her all day drives me crazy.
BUT, after 10 years of living this way I can actually see myself changing sexually, more into an LD person. Not because of age or hormones, but because I have been let down so many times and for so long I am becoming less interested in sex. So yes, people can change, my wife is changing me, I want it to be the other way around, but I need some good ammunition if you know what I mean. And yes, I have changed her appetite for food. She used to hate squash and onions. After cooking them the right way and having them a variety of ways she really started to like them and actually wants them. Now she likes onions even more than I do.


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## FrustratedLover (Sep 9, 2014)

Strange forum... Tons of feedback one day and nothing for the next 3.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I guess we felt like we gave you all of our advice. 

RE the cost of therapy. It is far cheaper than a divorce. Your insurance may cover part of it or all of it as well. 

Your diagnosis of HD/LD is pretty superficial. First of all, if you are satisfied iwth 2-3x/week, that is not HD. Second, if your wife was getting off before and now stopped, that points to other issues. So, why not give therapy a try. At the very least, they may talk about compromise and each partner's responsibility in the relationship. Because frankly, for any partner to neglect his/her partner's needs (within reason) is selfish.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google Christian sex counseling.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Also, read THE SONG OF SOLOMON book of the Bible to your wife. Your wife isn't keeping her wifely vows as a Christian.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's seems to be the norm that married couples don't match up in their sex drives. From a LD woman married to a HD man, here is a summary of what I've learned after 10 years of married life.

I put my DH through sexless married hell for a few years. This is the sequence of events that followed:
*He stopped giving me affection, would become short with me, we stopped enjoying each other's company and would argue a lot.
*He would tell me that if I gave him more sex, he would be more affectionate/patient/loving etc.
*I would tell him that if he was affectionate/patient/loving, would help more around the house, I'd feel more desire for him.
*He would tell me that nothing he did would ever make me want to have more sex, that it had to be a choice I made.
*I didn't believe him. Marriage started to come unglued, I went seeking advice from other places like this forum. I read marriage books like 'His Needs, Her Needs' etc.
*I started to understand that sex for him was a *NEED* in our marriage. That it wasn't just him scratching an itch but a way for him to connect with me. If I didn't meet that need, which for him was a driving physical need also because he refuses to masturbate, then nothing else we did would ever matter.
*I pushed myself to initiate more. By that point he had completely stopped initiating sex with me. He said I was the one who held all the cards, he wasn't even going to bother trying anymore. It's taken a long time to start to come back to a place where he feels comfortable initiating again, and that's only fairly recently.

To answer some questions. I enjoy sex with him, I always have. However, it really doesn't sit at the fore front of my mind. My desire is responsive. It flares up in response to stimulus, so I'll enjoy it when it happens, but I won't be the driving force by nature to start it. E.g. like water in the ocean would remain still without the moon causing a gravitational pull on it. 

Just like I can't change him into an ocean, he can't change me into the moon, however, to fix the imbalance I had to decide to change myself. Now that the imbalance in our relationship has been fixed, if I make sure I respond when he pulls, that natural state comes back into play and we're both happy.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Also, read THE SONG OF SOLOMON book of the Bible to your wife. Your wife isn't keeping her wifely vows as a Christian.


She is keeping her wifely vows, she has sex with him. It may not be as enthusiastic as he would like but she does it.

The OP can't expect her to be as genuinely high libido as he is, all he can expect is for her to be willing to accommodate him. If she just gave birth and has an infant, sex is not one of her top ten things on her list. She can place it there so she can accommodate him, but I don't think that is what he is looking for. He wants genuine lust, and she just doesn't have it.

It is up to the OP if he is willing to settle for that. Therapy can help her understand his needs but it is not going to change her genuine libido.


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## Vivid (Aug 28, 2014)

I've had times of higher drive and times of lower drive. My desire is mostly responsive. But I overcome it mentally which it sounds like your wife is unwilling to do. 

With a five month old it's really the wrong time to be addressing this.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It'll always be the wrong time to address it. By the time their child is old enough, she'll be pregnant with another baby I would bet. Then that's a bad time too. But wait, after that right? No, they might have another child. Or what about when baby turns to toddler and they experience some terrible 2s, or even terrible 1s. Bad time. I'm thinking in about 5 years, there might be a point where people think it's a better time to start working on the issue.

There will never be a good time from this point forward. Once children are thrown into the mix. It's obviously been a long term problem though, which I would bet they've discussed many times, but nothing has changed.

At this point, it only gets worse.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

OP, what kind of diet is your wife on? If she eats too low fat then she is not getting enough cholesterol - a precursor to sex hormones. Also, the brain (largest sex organ) is 60% saturated fat and also needs animal fats to function properly. Make sure she eats lots of butter, egg yolks, wild seafood, grassfed meats. The omega 3 fatty acids in these foods are important for reducing inflammation so that the body biochemical pathways work properly. Check out Weston A. Price diet.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

techmom said:


> She is keeping her wifely vows, she has sex with him. It may not be as enthusiastic as he would like but she does it.
> 
> The OP can't expect her to be as genuinely high libido as he is, all he can expect is for her to be willing to accommodate him. If she just gave birth and has an infant, sex is not one of her top ten things on her list. She can place it there so she can accommodate him, but I don't think that is what he is looking for. He wants genuine lust, and she just doesn't have it.
> 
> It is up to the OP if he is willing to settle for that. Therapy can help her understand his needs but it is not going to change her genuine libido.


If it isn't her top ten things on her mind, neither is her marriage. If she is interested in staying married to him, she had better figure out why men get married, why they move on and check out when they don't get it.

Its not rocket science. The first think that a man thinks under these circumstances is that he has been played/conned, and that she never loved him in the first place.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

breeze said:


> It's seems to be the norm that married couples don't match up in their sex drives. From a LD woman married to a HD man, here is a summary of what I've learned after 10 years of married life.
> 
> I put my DH through sexless married hell for a few years. This is the sequence of events that followed:
> *He stopped giving me affection, would become short with me, we stopped enjoying each other's company and would argue a lot.
> ...


Nicely said......I wish more people would come to this realization so rationally. A lot of marriages could be saved.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Check this out...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/220114-our-15th-year-anniversary.html

Good things can happen. Maybe. 

Also, look into tantric sex..... its more about the intimacy than the penetration.


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