# Is this right? What am I missing?



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

I come home late, because I had an event at work, and my wife had put the baby to sleep. So she asked me if I would make the bottles for next day, and I said yes. (Usually it's the other way around) The thing is: I wasn't feeling well and got worst really fast, we finally went through the cabinet to find a bottle of NyQuil that wasn't expired, and I had some and went to bed. In the morning she was really upset and yelling at me for not making the bottles. When I replied that I didn't even believe we were having that conversation, she told me that I was just being self-centered. Am I missing something? This just sounds crazy to me! When I went to bed after taking NyQuil and she stayed up a few more hours... what was she expecting to find in the morning?


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

lmcrg said:


> what was she expecting to find in the morning?


Was it made clear to her that you were not going to make the bottles? If not, she was expecting to find the bottles made. 

Although if it were me I would not want my 'feeling sick' H to make our baby's bottles. But then I'm kind of OCD.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I'd think I would have finished up the bottles and THEN drugged myself up and gone to bed. But she seems to have an overreaction to a fairly minor situation. So you can both share the blame for what's gone on.

How's that?

C


----------



## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Is this right? What am I missing?*



lmcrg said:


> I come home late, because I had an event at work, and my wife had put the baby to sleep. So she asked me if I would make the bottles for next day, and I said yes. (Usually it's the other way around) The thing is: I wasn't feeling well and got worst really fast, we finally went through the cabinet to find a bottle of NyQuil that wasn't expired, and I had some and went to bed. In the morning she was really upset and yelling at me for not making the bottles. When I replied that I didn't even believe we were having that conversation, she told me that I was just being self-centered. Am I missing something? This just sounds crazy to me! When I went to bed after taking NyQuil and she stayed up a few more hours... what was she expecting to find in the morning?


It seems like she could have been more understanding, but perhaps you didn't communicate in a clear fashion that you were unable to finish the bottles? But perhaps you were just too sick to even communicate that to her? Sometimes when I have a migraine hit the nausea can go from just feeling a little quesey to nausea + vertigo in a matter of minutes and I'm lucky to be able to get down a compazine and lay down without being sick. If I'm sick like that I'm not going to communicate well about much anything.

Did she perhaps think that you really were not that ill and you could / should have just finished making up the bottles beore you laid down? Or did she just no realize how ill you were?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Seems pretty clear from her reaction that she expected to find the bottles, for whatever reason.

Is that your fault or hers?


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

I had a fever, we looked for the medicine together, she saw me go to bed around 10 at night. I didn't say anything about the bottles, but I don't understand the big surprise in the morning!!!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lmcrg said:


> I had a fever, we looked for the medicine together, she saw me go to bed around 10 at night. I didn't say anything about the bottles, but I don't understand the big surprise in the morning!!!


So, did you ask her why she was surprised? Maybe she thought you had already done the bottles.

C


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd have been mad, too. If I expected to not have to do the bottles in the morning, and found out at the last second that you did not do what you'd said you would and didn't bother to tell me, especially when I was there helping you find your medicine and it would have taken just a moment to say about seven words, "I'm not up to making the bottles," I would have felt like you were completely inconsiderate. Yes, I would have assumed you'd have gotten them done, because you're a man and I would expect that you don't make promises and then not keep them without at least saying something. To wake up to five or ten extra minutes when I'm already having to do my regular morning routine would not make most people happy, I think. 

If I'd had several other recent experiences where you either didn't keep your word OR didn't keep me updated on things that affected me, we'd start having a major problem.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

If my husband was sick with a fever the last thing I would want him to do is make bottles for our baby.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

If you were feeling so lousy that you could not perform that task, you could have said "No, I cannot make the bottles, I am taking medication and going to bed".

But you said "Yes".

She expected to find the bottles made as you had promised.

What am I missing here?


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'd have been mad, too. If I expected to not have to do the bottles in the morning, and found out at the last second that you did not do what you'd said you would and didn't bother to tell me, especially when I was there helping you find your medicine and it would have taken just a moment to say about seven words, "I'm not up to making the bottles," I would have felt like you were completely inconsiderate. Yes, I would have assumed you'd have gotten them done, because you're a man and I would expect that you don't make promises and then not keep them without at least saying something. To wake up to five or ten extra minutes when I'm already having to do my regular morning routine would not make most people happy, I think.
> 
> If I'd had several other recent experiences where you either didn't keep your word OR didn't keep me updated on things that affected me, we'd start having a major problem.




Well, I guess adapting your expectations to context it's not your forte. I wonder if you apply the same to yourself, because my wife, when she needs help she doesn't need to "tell me" and I don't act like "if she promised she should keep it", I just give her a hand because circumstances demand it. It seems to me to be the proper way to behave between two people that love each other. I appreciate your feedback, but I the attitude you described I reserve for people with whom I am not in a relationship.


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

lenzi said:


> If you were feeling so lousy that you could not perform that task, you could have said "No, I cannot make the bottles, I am taking medication and going to bed".
> 
> But you said "Yes".
> 
> ...


So, she asked me when I arrived and I should just have had the presence of mind to know that I wasn't going to be feeling well later on and answered No? I guess if I had just said No when she asked me there wouldn't have been a problem. However, if the bottles were not made when I went to bed, why would she assume they would the in the fridge in the morning? When was this supposed to have happened?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lmcrg said:


> I appreciate your feedback, but I the attitude you described I reserve for people with whom I am not in a relationship.


Your attitude seems to be to make promises and then go to sleep without keeping them.

Why wouldn't you say "I know I promised to make the bottles but I'm not feeling well, I'm tired, and I need to go to bed" rather than promising to do something and just blowing it off to attend to your own needs?

That's rather selfish. I know, you didn't feel good. That's no excuse. Not after saying you would do something for your child.


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Your attitude seems to be to make promises and then go to sleep without keeping them.
> 
> Why wouldn't you say "I know I promised to make the bottles but I'm not feeling well, I'm tired, and I need to go to bed" rather than promising to do something and just blowing it off to attend to your own needs?
> 
> That's rather selfish. I know, you didn't feel good. That's no excuse. Not after saying you would do something for your child.


Please! You don't know anything about my attitude!! 
We have divided the things we need to do for my daughter and I do my share everyday. I had to stay late at work one day and all of the sudden you are an expert on my attitude! 
I may be selfish in your book, but your kind of harsh attitude is certainly not welcome in my life. That's not how we live our life in this house, and I would never model that kind of behavior to my daughter. My wife and I had a misunderstanding and I think her reaction was unreasonable and I was surprised by it, but we will manage.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What you are missing is your wife got up expecting the bottles to be ready and they weren't, so her day starts off in the hole. A little communication goes a long way....'honey I didn't get a chance to make the bottles but I don't feel well and am going to bed, sorry"

And why are you so defensive? Did you come here for unbiased advise or were you looking for a bunch of Lemmings to just agree with you? Frankly if your wife is getting up to do the feedings you should always be making the bottles, she shouldn't have to ask, or do you usually do the morning feeding and that's why she usually makes the bottles in the evening?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lmcrg said:


> My wife and I had a misunderstanding and I think her reaction was unreasonable and I was surprised by it, but we will manage.


I don't think her reaction was unreasonable at all.

You are unwilling or better yet unable to even remotely accept the possibility that you are the one who is being unreasonable.

Despite numerous posters on this thread, having read your version of events, telling you the exact same thing that I am. 

This isn't about a couple of milk bottles. 

There's a heck of a lot more going on here than that.


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

I understand that ideally I should have said something, but usually we have each other's back and we don't make a problem when it is not worth it. When I got up in the morning, I was surprised by her strong reaction.

The reason why I am defensive is because people here are making a lot of assumptions about me and my wife that are just wrong. It's incredible how folk fill in the blank with their stuff and go on to final conclusions. No one has to agree with me, but you know very little about me to jump to all these conclusions... As for the feeding, that's is not how we do it, I don't feed the baby in the morning, I pack her bag to go. There are somethings that my wife doesn't like to do, it makes her very nervous and uncomfortable, like cutting her nails and cleaning her ears or giving her a bath, so I do those things. It might not fit your idea of how it should be, but it works for us.


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

lmcrg said:


> Please! You don't know anything about my attitude!!
> We have divided the things we need to do for my daughter and I do my share everyday. I had to stay late at work one day and all of the sudden you are an expert on my attitude!
> I may be selfish in your book, but your kind of harsh attitude is certainly not welcome in my life. That's not how we live our life in this house, and I would never model that kind of behavior to my daughter. My wife and I had a misunderstanding and I think her reaction was unreasonable and I was surprised by it, but we will manage.


If this illustrates the "attitude" your wife came up against, well, the problem speaks for itself and it's NOT about bottles. You may not realize how hostile you come across when you think your position is logical. In reality, you made a huge assumption that did not match the assumption your wife made. 

You want to watch a relationship crumble? Keep making assumptions. And then invalidate your wife for feeling what she feels about the result. 

The advice to COMMUNICATE is what you need to take a good hard look at. 

Don't you ever apologize? Geez, mister. (And, BTW, I'm sorry you were exhausted and not feeling well, and I sincerely hope you're feeling better.)


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

lenzi said:


> This isn't about a couple of milk bottles.
> 
> There's a heck of a lot more going on here than that.


I am sure there is, our life is not just bottles.


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

questar1 said:


> If this illustrates the "attitude" your wife came up against, well, the problem speaks for itself and it's NOT about bottles. You may not realize how hostile you come across when you think your position is logical. In reality, you made a huge assumption that did not match the assumption your wife made.
> 
> You want to watch a relationship crumble? Keep making assumptions. And then invalidate your wife for feeling what she feels about the result.
> 
> ...



Do you really think I would ever address my wife the same way I address you -- an anonymous person on an online forum?

I came here to vent, that's all, and, in spite of what you might think, I do appreciate what you wrote. I do take it with a grain of salt, because there is more to my life than this post.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lmcrg said:


> Do you really think I would ever address my wife the same way I address you -- an anonymous person on an online forum?


I think so yes.

Why not ask your wife to read this thread, and answer the question herself.

$5 says she posts "Yes he's like this all the time".

I take PayPal.


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

I talked to my wife and she said she didn't realize I was that sick, otherwise she would have understood. She said I should have told her and I apologized.

$5 she's a better woman than you, but you can keep it, you seem to need it more than me LOL


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

About lenzi
I am a:
Male
Relationship Status
Divorced

This just goes to show you I know nothing. LOL I just realized I was actually talking to a divorced man, all the time thinking you were a married woman giving advise based on her personal experience... nonetheless, I do appreciate your insistence and not giving up on me.

We've been married for 15 years, and been together for 18 years. We have our little things, but generally we are best friends.


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

lmcrg said:


> I talked to my wife and she said she didn't realize I was that sick, otherwise she would have understood. She said I should have told her and I apologized.


Yay! Communication wins again :smthumbup:

That said--take this or leave it, of course--your communications here come across as disturbingly and consistently mean-spirited and self-entitled. 

"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons."


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

questar1 said:


> Yay! Communication wins again :smthumbup:
> 
> That said--take this or leave it, of course--your communications here come across as disturbingly and consistently mean-spirited and self-entitled.
> 
> "The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons."


Well, I did fell a bit ganged upon an unfairly judged... on the other hand, do consider that our communication here is written.


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

lmcrg said:


> Well, I did fell a bit ganged upon an unfairly judged... on the other hand, do consider that our communication here is written.


You seemed to feel ganged up on and judged by your wife, too.


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

questar1 said:


> You seemed to feel ganged up on and judged by your wife, too.


Christ, you don't have to exaggerate! This was one event!!!!


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

It's good that you guys talked it over, and cleared the air. I'm just a bit surprised that she didn't seem to know you were feeling ill. I wouldn't think that an expressly stated "I don't feel well" would be necessary when you're both looking for the Nyquil, but I guess it happens.

Even if you had just been forgetful, I don't think her yelling at you is a proper response. If it's out of the ordinary for her, maybe you could chalk it up to her being overtired from baby duties/life?

Hope things go well for you.


----------



## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

Op,
. you should have told her when she was helping you find NyQuil .Just say you are sorry .End of story.


----------



## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

Communication !!!

The look on the face of my wife will tell me that how she is, I will not need a communication in words to tell that she is not well. That is what real communication is.


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

RAN said:


> Communication !!!
> 
> The look on the face of my wife will tell me that how she is, I will not need a communication in words to tell that she is not well. That is what real communication is.


Ran, thanks for your comment, but that was what I thought too and it didn't work out so well for me!


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

sh987 said:


> Even if you had just been forgetful, I don't think her yelling at you is a proper response. If it's out of the ordinary for her, maybe you could chalk it up to her being overtired from baby duties/life?
> 
> Hope things go well for you.


We are both professors and we are just trying to survive the last week of classes this very tiresome semester with a baby for the first time. My wife doesn't usually yell, so, I think you're right.


----------



## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

lmcrg said:


> Ran, thanks for your comment, but that was what I thought too and it didn't work out so well for me!


Well this should also work vice verse, to be in a good marriage. You wife should read your face to feel that you were not well.


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

lmcrg said:


> We are both professors and we are just trying to survive the last week of classes this very tiresome semester with a baby for the first time. My wife doesn't usually yell, so, I think you're right.


In that case, you're "right on schedule"! May you both enjoy your well-deserved upcoming break with the little one, and be as good to each other & yourselves as you can.... Remember the old saws:

(1) No one said this was going to be easy
(2) Pick your battles. 

But what we didn't tell you was:
(1a) You have no idea what that really means till it hits you and you say "Oh, so THAT's what they mean by 'it ain't easy' "
(2a) Did we tell you how MANY battles there would be to choose from? 

This one was the Bottle Battle. May you have better, littler battles! :rofl:


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

lmcrg said:


> I come home late, because I had an event at work, and my wife had put the baby to sleep. So she asked me if I would make the bottles for next day, and I said yes. (Usually it's the other way around) The thing is: I wasn't feeling well and got worst really fast, we finally went through the cabinet to find a bottle of NyQuil that wasn't expired, and I had some and went to bed. In the morning she was really upset and yelling at me for not making the bottles. When I replied that I didn't even believe we were having that conversation, she told me that I was just being self-centered. Am I missing something? This just sounds crazy to me! When I went to bed after taking NyQuil and she stayed up a few more hours... what was she expecting to find in the morning?


If you came home feeling bad after the event and was due to you drinking....That's on you. Sorry, parenthood doesn't end or make compromises based on how drunk someone gets.

If you came down with a stomach flu...then your wife is going too far.


----------



## lmcrg (Sep 28, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> If you came home feeling bad after the event and was due to you drinking....That's on you. Sorry, parenthood doesn't end or make compromises based on how drunk someone gets.
> 
> If you came down with a stomach flu...then your wife is going too far.



I don't drink  it was an academic event, no alcohol involved 



I really, really like your quote after you name:

The more posts I read. 
The more I love my wife!



I hear you! I had never read much around here and I am starting to realize just how trivial our things seem to be compared to what other folk seem to be going through.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

lmcrg said:


> I don't drink  it was an academic event, no alcohol involved
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You just nailed it, but the key is for BOTH parties to realize the trivial nature of things LOL. My wife and I are able to do that. 

Our dryer went right before Christmas, and money's tight so it stinks. But we sit there and look at our kids who aren't materialistic anyway and the family we have and a house full of love and realize....ehhh, it's only money, we'll make more. We could be sitting in a hospital with a sick child, or battling through serious mental problems. We're good.


----------

