# H so angry when I want to discuss sex



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

hello, i'd like my husband to be better at oral sex and using his fingers. he's read "she's come first" and I've read a book on orgasmic meditation - teaching how to use fingers. For 30 years i've kept inside wanting to tell him how to move his tongue/fingers to please me. After reading lots here at TAM and thousands of pages of erotic novels and sex guide books, I brought up tonight, how I want to communicate more and guide him on how to touch me during oral sex and with fingers.

It so backfired. He is so angry. feel so bad that I'm making him feel inadequate. I said, "i'd want you to tell me what feels best," and he says he'd never say anything. what is he a robot? to do whatever I say? mechanically?

I said, I've read that communication is good - it improves sex lives. so then he said that I'm saying that he stinks. I said I'm not saying that. and he apologizes that I am so unsatisfied. 

we were lying in bed. i told him that i feel so bad. that after not saying anything for 30 years, maybe I should have kept my [email protected] mouth shut. he stormed out of the house.

why do I feel do bad? why do I have to feel so bad for wanting more? i told him that the potential is so huge. why am i the bad guy.

this is why I was LD for decades. it's not me; it's having a lover who doesn't want to know what pleases me the most. how sad.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

That is sad and sort of on the lines of another post I made in a another forum on here. When me and my hubs first got married he did not know crap about any of that stuff. I was so annoyed with him. I kept in for so long and finally gave him hints. Well none of that work and I just flat out had to tell him. Well he finally got it after that, but I still had to guide him and show him what to do and yes it took time. After a while though he caught on and I no longer had to do anything. He does it all now and it is amazing. 

However I can see where your hubs might say it makes him feel like a robot and that you have went all this time without it, then why now. Well I would just calmly explain to him that I am not trying to make him feel like a robot, but rather am trying to spice things up for both of us. Maybe go get some books that show him what to do and excite him. Try new things with him as well. Show him that all you are trying to do is spice things up. Then maybe he will get it. If all else fails then go to MC and talk about it there. Hope this helps you and good luck to you.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

You're LD, and you're trying to change that. You are to be applauded!

You're husband is acting like an immature baby.

You're doing exactly what you should do -- explaining the problem to him and offering to guide him as to what you like.

He is being selfish. He doesn't want you to tell him. Therefore, he really doesn't care about your orgasm.

Any many who doesn't care about his partner's orgasm is a selfish, selfish lover.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Maybe after 30 years it's been a bit of a shock to him, I mean he probaly thought your sex life was great and then you come out with it

Let him cool off and see what he says


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

What Cwtchbunny said...

And also, just curious, HOW did you come across? Many years ago when I was still exploring my wife's body, she guided me through during the act itself and vice versa. Instead of a discussion, it was a gradual learning process, fun, pleasurable, and no hurt feelings.

Perhaps try that instead if you haven't already


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## Visual1 (Apr 16, 2013)

You said you were LD for 30 years just because he doesn't know how to give you Orals. Just imagine how he felt all this years without knowing why you rejected him. He just pissed at you for waited too long to tell him this.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i never said those words "you are bad at giving oral and using your finger." i guess i may as well have. after replaying what I would say hundreds of times, i didn't come across well, that's for sure, as soft and sweet and i thought i said it. i guess i came across as an @sshole, which is how I feel and wish I could just put this jeanie back in the bottle.

I said that I want to guide him to try new things. that we read the book, 'she comes first,' now I want to try those excercises in the back of the book. that i want to experience long strokes and short strokes, and the left side, right side, light touch, heavy touch, full tongue, etc.

i told him that i want to guide him and give him feedback so he's not guessing how it feels to me.

it just got worse and worse. he got more and more sure that he is totally inadequate, that he would never tell me what to do (i am pretty sure i am a very good lover to him). i told him that some men would think it is hot for their woman to tell them what they like. he said that this conversation doesn't make him want to have sex.

then when it got more ugly, it turned into, - he works so damn hard everyday and takes $hit at work and he doesn't need to take it at home. i said - what does this have to do with work? I'm just trying to improve our sex life. well, that was when he stormed out.

we have been together since mid teens. he is a wonderful wonderful husband and father and he proclaims his love and luckiness to have me every single day.

should i have just left well enough alone, and just stop reading posts here of people with great sex lives, and stop reading the sex guides, and erotic novels.

I told him that communication is good. people who communicate well about their sex lives have better sex lives.

i just don't know how to get past this, especially since this is so foreign to me. we get along so well, that we've only had a handful of fights in our time together, so fighting and not talking is just not something i'm used to.

i don't even know what i'm apologizing for except to say i wish i never brought it up. and pretty soon, if not already, my sex drive light switch is going to shut off again. how f*cking lame.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I give you a lot of credit for communicating and wanting to improve your sex life!!!!! That takes guts for sure. Give him time to cool off. I don't understand why learning something new in the bedroom to please you should be threatening or make him mad, but everyone is different. 

It is possible....the next time you are both having sex and in a better mood...that you simply touch yourself with your fingers while he watches....and you say" I love the way my clitoris feels when I touch it like this". That way, he gets the message. Would that work, or do you think that will threaten him as well? 

I respect the fact that you are making a change and wanting to improve your sex life. I would give up my annual salary in a heartbeat for my wife to come to me and want to initiate and improve our sex life. She just doesn't think about it very often. Your husband is a lucky man, even if he doesn't see it right now. You took a chance and are being bold. Good for you. Keep it up. That is how things in life and relationships change....by taking chances and being bold.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks, i notice the details. i just cried for 15 minutes in the shower. i feel like i should apologize, but i'm sure that will just fall flat. what am i even apologizing for? i could apologize for my approach, or manner, or whatever it was that was offensive, but since i think i spoke from the heart, and calm, and well thought out and in a positive way - i'd like to try new things - , that apologizing for speaking my mind just really isn't something to apologize for. nevertheless, i feel bad. no wonder i've felt petrified about communicating for decades. i knew it would come to this.

i told him that i knew i was taking a chance communicating like this. that it was worth the risk. he is a really great guy. i wish we could have a great sex life. it's great for him anyway. he falls asleep after BJ's leaving me hanging, we have sex 2-3x/week. he gives me oral about 1x/2 weeks, his finger 1x/every 2-3 months. i don't orgasm from PIV, so he has orgasms at least 5 to 1 over mine. i guess f*ck it. i don't know what i feel worse about - not speaking with my husband or knowing that an amazing sex life just isn't in the cards for me. i think the latter. i think after this experience, i 'm just not going to bring up sex ever again. it is what it is.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Don't apologize for trying to improve your love life. Don't do it. Apologizing for wanting more pleasure from your husband doesn't even make sense. You will gain no more respect in his mind if you apologize...you did nothing wrong. Apologizing now would send him mixed messages in my opinion.

Give it some time and let him think about it. Then talk about it in a different setting...like while driving in the car or on a walk together. What ever you do, don't go backwards. Keep pressing forward. You have nothing to lose! You deserve more love and attention than you are getting now. Find a way to communicate that. You can always highlight a few parts in a book that you really like. I did that for my wife and she focused on what the book said. Give him some time to let it sink in. Might take some time, but it will be worth it. 

Don't apologize for wanting more love and attention. You deserve it. I admire your guts and strength right now!!!!!


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## Visual1 (Apr 16, 2013)

The amount of sex you stated is not typical from an LD person. I take my previous statement back. I don't know why he angry about this. Also, don't apologize. You did not do anything wrong.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

no visual1, you misunderstood me or i misspoke, i used to be LD but that changed in the last 1-2 years, although even when i was LD, we still had sex probably about 1x/week, i was just totally not into it, but I still gave Bj's , got Oral, had PIV i just didn't give a sh!t and didn't care if I never had sex again. I am not LD now - I'd guess Medium, and although the quality of sex, oral, hasn't changed, what has changed is me wanting more out of it. I want the great sex I read about here and in books. My H said, i'm reading so much, i want some fantasy that doesn't exist, but I said that great sex DOES exist in real life. i know it does for him. he's told me. we went away for a romantic weekend a few weeks ago and he told me it was like a fantasy for him (but I closed my legs twice because oral was going no where and stressing me out because he was in the wrong spot with just the very tip of his tongue - I so wanted to speak up and tell him what to do - i wanted a flat tongue with lighter pressure).

I told him that if he told me where it feels best for him, i'd be so happy to do that, but no - he said he would never tell me what to do, inferring that I shouldn't be telling him what to do.

thanks, I noticethedetails. I will not apologize. it doesn't make sense to me. I kept telling him that. I said "this is good. communicating is good. you make me feel great. I want to feel even more great and feel different pressures and strokes." but no - it just came across and me being majorly offensive and turning this into a technical robot thing.

I can't imaging wanting oral sex from him again although it's the only way i orgasm. We did have a much abbreviated discussion about 4-5 months ago. While doing something, I was saying "do that again" and one other thing that I forgot. He told me that it was very unromantic.

so last night I said, "5 months ago I said somethign during the act and you thought it was unromantic, so now I'm saying something (we were sitting in the car), and it's too technical, so when am I supposed to say something.? i guess i can't win.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

As others have said, do not apologize. Not only did you do nothing wrong, but you actually began holding up your end of the deal by trying to improve the relationship instead of accepting the status quo and using the "lay back and think of england" approach to sex.

You may want to consider looking into some type of couples counseling. Perhaps find a counselor that specializes in sexual health and set up an appointment. Attend the first session alone to get the lay of the land, then invite him to join you for sessions 2 - xx.

His reaction is overblown and uncalled for. Does he subjugate you in any other areas of your lives? Does he freak out if ou drive on the freewa, look for work.. etc?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks T&T, i've been more adventurous with him in the last year than in 30 years, thinking that if I try new things, he will do. I read a book, 'how to give a great BJ.' and i do it. i keep my eyes open and look at him, i did it with him sitting on the bed, me on the floor, i go very slow, I used to stop before he came (don't like to swallow) and use my hands, now I use my mouth the entire time and spit out afterwards. I got a book on different positions. just last week I tried reverse cowgirl. no position does anything for me. I cannot orgasm from PIV sex. not to even mention that he has PE, so at least 1 out of 3 times it lasts just a little more than a minute. but i'm not even going there. i often don't even care about PIV because I'm not getting an orgasm anyway. I DO care about oral sex and using his fingers. if he spent 1/20 the effort trying to please me as I do him, i'd be a happy camper.

one strange thing that came up a few weeks ago - he said something about me faking orgasms. I did that once when I was about 17 - almost 30 years ago. why in the world would he think I'm faking it. the only thing i can conclude is that he can't read my body well at all. i don't even know why i'm saying this. i'm just exasperated.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

hi paladin, this might have gotten lost in my despair, but he is an amazing husband. he really cherishes me and can't wait to be with me every day and tells me every day how much he loves me and that he is blessed. sorry to be sappy here.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You have my sympathy and empathy. I feel like Ive had 30% of the sex life I would like to have and am now facing facts that it may be only that for the rest of my life. It feels so bleak to imagine never getting to experience certain things (my h has never even done oral on me.)

This is the conversation I had two months ago with him. We were having sex 3x/week and now once every 3 weeks (his choice.) Its been very difficult and yes I am wishing I would have never said anything at all. (My situation varies from yours in that I had been faking.) At least then I was having sex, he was happy and I was getting off alone. Now none of those things are happening.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

I had the same with my Husband.. He saw me on these forums and asked why and I told him about wanting to improve our sex life.. He's all like what's wrong with it,

Give it time for him to calm down. His reaction was hurt but hell
Realize theres nothing wrong with spicing it up. You want sex to be better for both of you. If I'd been giving oral wrong for years Id want to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Islegirl...to me it seems the problem is simply that you've never had good communication before...gotta start somewhere, and you did start, so good for you. Be patient and stick with it and keep trying. You blew up his vision of how good it was for you...so be it, be honest, you can't go wrong, even if it can hurt him a little. He'll be ok.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks so much every one. we have hardly spoken today. we have 3 kids - so just logistical stuff. he just said to me 'i'm pretty upset about last night." i said, "do you want to talk?" and he shrugged his shoulders.

if we did talk, it would probably go in circles - he resents and can't get in the mood if i'm telling him what to do. i said, i'd like to guide him and give him real time feedback. bah on me. i feel so sure that i said it in a positive loving way. even in retrospect, i don't know how i could have/should have spoken differently (especially since I rehearsed it so much).

thanks so much, friends. good to not be playing this out only in my own mind.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Is Girl3, I am a husband who has shelved sex with my wife after learning that she was not enjoying sex with me for the duration of our long and otherwise happy marriage. Our situations are somewhat reversed, but there are so many similarities that I thought I would share how I felt after discovering her sexual reality.

I was stunned. I had really tried hard throughout our marriage to be the best lover possible for her. To discover that she had been unsatisfied for all that time (she faked orgasms, told me how much she liked sex with me, etc.) was a blow unlike anything I've experienced in my life. I had never resented my wife for anything before. I thought that with time my resentment would fade. It has not.

I mention this because it is possible that your husband feels like I do. If this is so, then this is serious. As upset as you seem from your posts (justifiably so IMO), your husband may be just as upset or more.

I don't have any advice to offer. I have failed in my own situation. But I agree with Faithful Wife that without effective communication this problem is unlikely to be resolved in any satisfactory way. If he won't communicate honestly I see little hope for your situation getting better. I just hope that knowing how much he might be hurt can help you with your end of any communication opportunities that may arise.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

IsGirl well I am a guy and I can see it from his perspective the problem is that you waited sooooo long to tell him not that you want a better sex life but damn 30 years. So right now he is thinking he is a terrible man because he sucks at being a lover. And yes if we believe we are a terrible lover then we think we are terrible men the two go hand in hand. Right now he thinks that he is lower than dog shyte. So that is where things stand you feel bad for bringing it up because he feels like crap for being a bad lover.

This is how I would get past it. Start with praising him on what you like about him sexually, his looks, the size of his penis, how long he lasts whatever you like that is not the oral thing. If you don't have anything activity wise that you like then move onto how you find him desirable that you think about him be descriptive do not be general. Do not just say you think he is hot say your ass is so firm I just want to grab it it is all I can do to keep my hands off it. If you like him on top even tho you do not climax say I love watching your "color" eyes look at me when you in me it makes me feel loved. Get it? This is to get him to understand what you are talking about is ONE thing you do not like not that you dislike his EVERYTHING. Right now that is how he feels. Once he is back on his feet keep talking about the book you want him to try or read. Maybe read it to him as you are in bed in like a sexy voice I would love if my girl read me sexy instructions in bed, maybe work on a whole domination role playing thing.

Now as for the oral sex, it is hard to be good at it if you don't LIKE it. When talking to him DO NOT stress it is the only way you get off that is only going to make him feel bad about the PIV times. Instead praise how much you like oral sex, how it makes you feel loved, how it makes you feel sexy, how when he does it you are driven wild with lust for him. All these are true because if he gets it down you will be having a 1 to 1 ratio and that should improve all kinds of things for you.

Good luck with your man


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

So your husband is the reason you were LD? Please....


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> this is why I was LD for decades. it's not me;


Really?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks T&T. i like your advice. thanks BigDude and Cel for your insight. Given that you guys were so hurt, should your wives have kept their mouths shut? I did not say to him that it has sucked for 30 years. I told him that I'd like him to try new things with his mouth and fingers and I'd like to guide him and give him feedback. I guess it doesn't matter. I told him I'd like to follow the techniques in 2 books. I can't wrap my head around this. If he said the same exact thing to me - 'i'd like you to try new things' - I would NOT get angry. I'll see if we talk tonight.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

T&T said:


> Really... She _thought_ she was LD, but by having sex 2-3 times a week, she is obviously not.


That has nothing to do with being LD. I get sex 3-4 times a week. My wife is still LD. I don't want to hijack this thread but your clueless.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Big Dude, your resentment has not faded. What could your wife or I possibly do to make this situation right again? Do you think your wife should have kept her mouth shut? you concur with Faithful wife that communication is key, yet that's what screwed up the status quo in the first place for you. i don't mean to challenge you - you were just relating your story, but what can be done here?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> That has nothing to do with being LD. I get sex 3-4 times a week. My wife is still LD. I don't want to hijack this thread but your clueless.


I think that would make another interesting thread to find out if LD people think they are LD because their lover isn't so great. OK - I'll back off on this. I'm not going to blame my LD all on my H (though I really really do think it has something to do with it. how can I want/be excited about something that really isn't so great?) but I won't hijack my own thread either.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> Big Dude, your resentment has not faded. What could your wife or I possibly do to make this situation right again? Do you think your wife should have kept her mouth shut? you concur with Faithful wife that communication is key, yet that's what screwed up the status quo in the first place for you. i don't mean to challenge you - you were just relating your story, but what can be done here?


Own up to your LD. Don't blame your husband for it. If your talking to me. I'm not big dude.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> I think that would make another interesting thread to find out if LD people think they are LD because their lover isn't so great. OK - I'll back off on this. I'm not going to blame my LD all on my H (though I really really do think it has something to do with it. how can I want/be excited about something that really isn't so great?) but I won't hijack my own thread either.


That thread would last about ten minutes. We who have LD spouses know we are not the cause of it. We just suffer because of it. Any LD spouse that thinks there SO is the cause of their LD is delusional.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

T&T said:


> You're being rude, MrBrains. She is already under distress and if you don't have anything to contribute, shove off! Spew your anger elsewhere.
> 
> Clueless? Go back and reread the thread...
> 
> ...


She said it not me. She should own her LD. Maybe that's the root of the issue here. She won't own what she may responsible for. That not rude. That realistic. If my wife said that, everything after that is moot. I sympathize with her. My wife gets angry when we talk about sex. But I own my own issues and try to work past them.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> i just don't know how to get past this, especially since this is so foreign to me. we get along so well, that we've only had a handful of fights in our time together, so fighting and not talking is just not something i'm used to.


Look I've been HERE. My husband is conflict avoidant so he used to RUN from every conversation where he was made to feel inadequate in some way. He thought if he brought home a paycheck that was all that required of him as a husband.

TAM was what gave me the courage to say B.S. on this. Didn't happen overnight but I had to learn to "get used to" conflict. I stood my ground with both actions and words. Took a while but he finally pulled his head out of his ass long enough to take me seriously.

I started calling him on every excuse, every run he made for the victim chair all of it. This takes skill though. I'd acknowledge that he was a great provider BUT.....I had other needs as well. I stopped letting him belittle MY needs for his poor pitiful me sob story. I stopped letting him make me feel apologetic for having said needs.

My sincere advice is don't give up. Keep reading, studying and learning. All that's going on is your husband doesn't want to change the status quo.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh, you ladies seem to go easy on your men. I still remember in the past when I didn't perform up to my wife's expectations whether by quantity or quality she would attack me, insult me, accuse me, and chuck b-fits. Even after putting her in her place, she learnt how to play victim instead.

Hearing about wives being so sensitive to their men's feelings makes me wonder what kind of person I actually married and put up with for all these years. However, she did get what she wanted, until I snapped of course and said enough is enough.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks mavash. i'm writing him an email right now. i think it's a lamo form of communication between a husband and wife, but maybe i can convey the goodness of my request - that good sex for me is good for us.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I recently wrote my STBX a letter and delivered it personally. It's still semi-face to face.

Still, I reckon you two should just get it on and during it, make suggestions as well as praise him when he does it right. If you're in the mood for something, just tell him what you would like and say it sensually.

Having a sitdown about sex instead isn't exactly very nice, guess it gives off the wrong impression.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

There is more to the OP problem than we know. Are you really LD? How long have you been this way in your marriage? Maybe this is why your husband is stand offish?


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> That thread would last about ten minutes. We who have LD spouses know we are not the cause of it. We just suffer because of it. Any LD spouse that thinks there SO is the cause of their LD is delusional.


So why is it when some LD men/women enter a new relationship (after divorce or whatever) their SO says they are a tiger in bed and suddenly have more drive than a Porche?

I'm coming to realize that I might be partially the cause of my wife's LD. Maybe not completely, but I'm working on myself -- stepping up and really manning up -- I'm taking life by the throat again. Granted, she wasn't exactly HD even when we got married (17 years ago), but she was certainly much more "twitterpated" with me and more affectionate. 

I agree that the LD spouses need to take responsibility for their LD and do things for themselves (exercise, lose weight, take up a sport/hobby, etc.) -- things that generally improve their health and well-being. This could help them get more of their "zoom" back. But I think it is unrealistic to say that it is always all their fault. It is like the old erectile dysfunction joke (remember, jokes are funny because they have an element of truth in them):

Wife: "Honey, here is some money. Go buy some pills to help you with your erectile dysfuntion."

Husband: *goes to store and returns quickly* "I'm back!"

Wife: "Good. What did you get?"

Husband: *tosses her a bottle of diet pills* "The Pharmacist says that these are supposed to work really fast..."

As the old adage goes, it takes two to tango.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> .........
> 
> we have been together since mid teens. he is a wonderful wonderful husband and father and he proclaims his love and luckiness to have me every single day.
> 
> ...


maybe yes leave the sex part alone for the time being, your problem is poor communication.

Google *the four horsemen of the apocalypse communication* and look at some counselling for the two of you to deal with your communications better. 

I wish you well.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> 3-4 times a week? Excellent! With whom?
> 
> Are you attractive to your wife? For sure? Like, for SURE? What's your weight, height?
> 
> ...


Ok. English major. 
BTW I'm 6' 190. Yes I'm attractive, and have all the traits you like. I guess you missed my point. LD had nothing to do with how many times one has sex in a week.


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## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

Good Lord, I can't believe your husband's response! I would love my wife to tell me SOMETHING in bed. I feel like I'm going down on a blow up doll she's so quiet. 

Anyway, just tell him you want to be his sex coach. I mean, how does he figure professional sports stars get to where they are? They had to have coaches every step of the way to show them different facets of the game. You don't learn to throw a nasty curve ball by just grabbing a ball and throwing it a bunch of times.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> hello, i'd like my husband to be better at oral sex and using his fingers. he's read "she's come first" and I've read a book on orgasmic meditation - teaching how to use fingers. For 30 years i've kept inside wanting to tell him how to move his tongue/fingers to please me. After reading lots here at TAM and thousands of pages of erotic novels and sex guide books, I brought up tonight, how I want to communicate more and guide him on how to touch me during oral sex and with fingers.
> 
> It so backfired. He is so angry. feel so bad that I'm making him feel inadequate. I said, "i'd want you to tell me what feels best," and he says he'd never say anything. what is he a robot? to do whatever I say? mechanically?
> 
> ...



Hey, you wanna join us for girls happy hour Friday? You'd fit right in! 

I think your guy is over reacting, but then again, most men do when it comes to sexual techniques.(Except for the men of TAM!!!) For all this time he thought he had the right moves and now he finds out, maybe he didn't. OUCH!

Next time you go down on him, tell him you want him to direct your every move. tell him you want him to tell you exactly what he wants you to do.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And when he tells you something new, get up and storm out, cause GOD after all these years....here you thought you were doing it right.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> So your husband is the reason you were LD? Please....


This is not a stretch at all! if she wasn't really getting her cookies, why would she WANT to bake?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> This is not a stretch at all! if she wasn't really getting her cookies, why would she WANT to bake?


Because its not about sex. It's about DESIRE. So LD is a choice?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Because its not about sex. It's about DESIRE. So LD is a choice?


No desire. You loose your desire for baking when you don't get the cookies. 

Don't know too many diabetics who bake with sugar... If they bake at all, it is with sugar substitute. Maybe for a special occasion they will make goodies with sugar, but for general baking... not happening.

Sorry, I'm baking today... it's on my mind...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No desire. You loose your desire for baking when you don't get the cookies.
> 
> Don't know too many diabetics who bake with sugar... If they bake at all, it is with sugar substitute. Maybe for a special occasion they will make goodies with sugar, but for general baking... not happening.
> 
> Sorry, I'm baking today... it's on my mind...


I know what your trying to say even though the cookies come after the baking IRL. If your right and LDs have a choice why not keep your end of the contract? Why do you think it's a zero sum game? I say bake the cookies if your a baker forget whether your spouse wants cookies. Your a baker right! Keep your responsibilities separate from whether your spouse does theirs or not. We are not children here. Don't blame the eater for the badly baked cookies.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> thanks T&T. i like your advice. thanks BigDude and Cel for your insight. Given that you guys were so hurt, should your wives have kept their mouths shut? I did not say to him that it has sucked for 30 years. I told him that I'd like him to try new things with his mouth and fingers and I'd like to guide him and give him feedback. I guess it doesn't matter. I told him I'd like to follow the techniques in 2 books. I can't wrap my head around this. If he said the same exact thing to me - 'i'd like you to try new things' - I would NOT get angry. I'll see if we talk tonight.



If my girl had been faking it for years and then just brought it up, would I of wanted her to keep her mouth shut? No I would take a blow to my ego and also I would think she did not trust me but I would get over it well with lots of sex I would get over it...LOL. I don't think you were wrong to bring it up just that you waited so long to do so. I am glad you went with the email because guys usually respond well to that my girl loves face to face I find it easier to get all my thought in an email so we do things her way and face to face it is. But if she was trying to get me to understand email would be the way.

How did he take it?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm quite embarassed about the email that I sent because it was so explicit with what I wanted him to do and a fantasy that I never shared (never shared any). I practically let it all hang out while extolling the virtues of communication.

we spoke last night and he just briefly mentioned that he got my email. we mostly talked about how angry I got, which was his real problem.

I thought our initial conversation went very badly, but what got him furiously angry was my profanity filled outburst when that conversation was over. We talked in the car. He let me know that telling him what I'd like done pretty much ruins it for him, so we were at a stalemate.

We went to bed, and I felt really really bad. So I said, "I feel really bad." Then I lashed out and said, "I WISH I NEVER F*CKIN OPENED MY MOUTH." and one other profanity filled sentence that I can't remember.

That is what set him off. In 30 years I never spoke to him like that. He stormed out of the house but not before I stormed out too.

My problem now is how to move on. I feel paralyzed and stuck. I don't know how we can be intimate with such a spotlight on his performance. I just don't know to get past this. i'm having anxiety just thinking about his oral sex performance anxiety. i think if i was him i'd never want to do that again, knowing how he feels about not wanting to take direction. i feel awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassed, and i don't want to be touched.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

First, don't ever cuss at your spouse.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He's blame shifting.

Yes you shouldn't cuss or get angry but he should attempt to hear you.

And the part where it ruins it for him is a cop out on his part.

Turn it around and nicely ask him "so what you're saying is you won't meet my needs?"

Get him to own it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sheesh....he got off easy with just one cussing outburst, IMO. 

This will take awhile. Things are still raw in the moment. Just be patient and realize that your non-communication in the past is what has caused this painful moment now. You have to heal that past non-communication and it will take some time. But stick with it and continue to communicate honestly and gently. Don't give up. Baby steps.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sheesh....he got off easy with just one cussing outburst, IMO.


I would not put up with it at any time. Ever


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

LOL! Well, luckily, you aren't married to me. My H and I are not opposed to using colorful language in our every day lives, and then sometimes when we get into a heated argument, it gets colorful then, too. Cussing is the least of the Bad Girl things I can do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've gotten angry and cussed at him a time or two.

I try not to because I know he hates it.

Everyone has their breaking point though.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks, all. i guess that's what 30 years of not talking about sex does - i reached breaking point. i did not go on and on. i don't think I was cursing for more than 10-15 seconds. I guess, like I said before, we don't fight. in 30 years, maybe we've had 4 or 5 fights. the last one was over 3 years ago. so i guess for him to hear me so incredibly angry and volatile, it was a real shock. and he warned me that he will not tolerate that again. I said, "why are you reading me the riot act? have I ever cursed like that before?" the night of the fight he said, "this is what 30 years comes down to?" i didn't really think in such profound terms as though the marriage was hanging on this. 

since this wasn't just a fight, but a fight about sex, i don't know how to resume sex again, or move past this. i just feel very stuck and want to sleep in my own room.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"i just feel very stuck and want to sleep in my own room."


Just take some space, and things will naturally bring you closer to each other when the time is right.

Try not to take him seriously about how angry he seemed at your outburst. I mean, sure, he has every right to be upset that you "freaked out on him" (from his perspective). But give him some time to reflect and relax. He will be ok. He will see the reality behind the little snafu, but give you both some space first.

Sleep in the other room for a few nights but just tell him gently that YOU need space...so he will know you aren't punishing him, you just need the space for yourself for a short time.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks so much, all.

much to my super huge surprise, last night while laying in bed fully clothed, my husband undressed me, and we had one of the longest sex sessions in years. And he was good.

thank you thank you.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Awesome IsGirl3...Good For You! Sounds like me might start to come around after all.


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