# Silent treatment...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Is it really that bad? Now I know I hate it and can't stand it with the missus but at the same time I can't argue that it seems to turn up results sometimes. If my wife nags and nags I tend to just annoy her more, but if she just turns cold and tell me "nothing" is wrong it seems to kick me back into a right direction to fix it.

Of course at times the silent treatment comes out at poor timing - like when we're trying to deal with issues together... but when it comes to times when I'm simply being a jerk and nagging won't help, silent treatment works.

But that's just from my experience, discuss...


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## loverforlife (Oct 18, 2011)

Silent treatment is mental/emotional abuse and needs to stop. It's unhealthy and based in negative power and control dynamics...Find a way to communicate properly


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

You may have read my other posts about silent treatment so I'll keep it short. It was how my father "controlled" us and one of the first things I told my husband when we met was silent treatment, even just once for 10 minutes, is a dealbreaker for me. Not for most people, but for me it is. I simply will NOT have it. Unless he's stricken deaf-mute, I'm out the door.

So yes, it's that bad. To me, it's worse than physical abuse (because of my history - I'm not saying that objectively it is).


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Silent treatments create a standoff in a controlling way. To me it says, 'Comply with my demands or I will not acknowledge you.' It means that 'resolution' is reserved for whichever party will forego compromise and having their needs met, just to appease the other. It's not taking a timeout or constructive in any manner, (to me). While one may give in as a result to this torture, it might only lead to a buildup of resentment of having been denied the right to fair communication and value to the other. It's a sad and manipulative way to demonstrate the lack of compassion and respect we're supposed to get from our partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

The silent treatment is a passive aggressive form of mental and emotional abuse! It's cruel and controlling. Having said that, it's better to keep your mouth shut then to verbally abuse your mate. However, that's for a few moments in my book. There is no justification for acting like the person does not exist.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Is it really that bad? Now I know I hate it and can't stand it with the missus but at the same time I can't argue that it seems to turn up results sometimes. If my wife nags and nags I tend to just annoy her more, but if she just turns cold and tell me "nothing" is wrong it seems to kick me back into a right direction to fix it.
> 
> Of course at times the silent treatment comes out at poor timing - like when we're trying to deal with issues together... but when it comes to times when I'm simply being a jerk and nagging won't help, silent treatment works.
> 
> But that's just from my experience, discuss...


I despise the silent treatment, I am one of those people who , although I don't mind a little fighting, I have no trouble doing it very constructively. And I expect the same from my partner. I could never remain married to someone who tried to lay this on me all the time, it would never work, a deal breaker for this woman. 

Random Dude, you & your wife are SO 'in your face" the majority of the time, I seriously DOUBT a little silent treatment here or there is going to break you! But marriages that LIVE like this, function like this...it is no comparison to what you are talking about at all. 

Here is what happens in our marriage.......there have been times I worked myself up into a frenzy over something STUPID (generally), I might even SLAM the door on my husband, and WANT to ignore him...but what happens is...I am so pathetically miserable, I can barely concentrate or get anything done....so I end up going back up there Humbling myself at his mercy and telling him I need him. Quite pathetic likely, but he admittably LOVES this about me, as he is miserable as hell also. He has come around to me also. He knows I am basketcase when we are at odds with each other and I will lovingly accept his coming to me. So our *misery *draws us back to each other fairly quickly. 

A true silent treatment for us -has NEVER lasted more than 1 night. Never in 22 yrs. Generally they last less than 30 minutes. Sure we go on to some fighting, but then it always ends in forgiven (buried, washed in the ocean) & wildly passionate make up sex -after all those heavy emotions have been Strirred & brought to the surface.

A little fighting has it's benefits!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I agree it is a form of abuse. I was on the receiving end of this in childhood. It can be maddening, especially for a child. However, in my old age hahahaha I have learned something about trying to control something you cannot...like trying to get someone who is giving you the silent treatment or avoidance or ignoring your legitimate requests for communication or having boundaries respected. That is to say to them..."I see that you do not want to talk/be around me. I agree, I think we need some silence/space for the dust to settle. Let's take a few days to check in with ourselves about our needs, priorities and things we've got behind in that might be causing stress before trying to resolve our issue. Long term is much more important than trying to have any kind of resolution in the short term. Thanks for getting the bigger picture in perspective....I don't know about you but I could use some personal time to catch up with work/reading/housecleaning/exercise/watching movies/knitting/getting my hair done/clothes shopping/neglected friends. You do the same and let's talk in a few days when you are feeling more like being with me. I can do lunch on Wednesday." Then, catch up with yourself, because really, when someone is giving you the silent treatment or ignoring you or treating you disrespectfully, there is not much you can do except to treat yourself the way you would like to be treated. If it's not going to happen, why engage in a power struggle that will only make you feel desperate and humiliated? (I think that's the point, really.) 

I am someone who moved out. Because my H would win arguments by saying he was going to leave, go sleep at work, etc. And the arguments he was 'winning' were about things that he was hiding that he shouldn't have been doing in the first place, that I was trying to discuss with him...and also about how he would treat me which I was told by a marriage counselor was abusive (and I agree). 

Things have really changed. But I don't do threats and silent treatment. I acknowledge that I am being ignored or cut off or that the discussion is not happening and I remove myself from the situation. You can't force someone to be a puppet in a two-way resolution. Even if you could, what sort of communication would it really be? An appeasement? That's worthless. Valuable is when there is will and desire involved. 

I suppose this is sort of in line with the Why Men Love *****es thinking. Don't chase him. (Or her...) If you are self-sufficient and make it clear you are disappointed by like a mature person can deal with giving someone else space to have their tantrum (and that's what the silent treatment is, a sort of tantrum, like a little kid holding their breath or running away and slamming the door, or withholding poop etc...) then they're like, wow, that person is really in control. The flip side is, you really do need to be in control...you can't just be like, well, I will go to the library and hang out and pretend to be taking care of myself. Nope, go do what fills your cup, so long as it will reinforce the healthy person you brought to the relationship - or intended to bring to the relationship - in the first place.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

True, it seems to be a little pattern really... whenever she gets annoyed about something or rather, and if I just end up ignoring her... After a while she gets silent.

I get annoyed, and then I start poking her until she gets mad enough to not be silent anymore, then we fight it out, break each other down and later end up making up telling each other how much we love each other. Rinse and repeat...

Guess it's different from effectively just being silent all the time yes? I don't know... I know silent treatment is bad as it drives me completely nuts, but looking at our dynamics it's interesting how our little system works - especially for two stubborn lovers.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

loverforlife said:


> Silent treatment is mental/emotional abuse and needs to stop. It's unhealthy and based in negative power and control dynamics...Find a way to communicate properly


I agree.wife thought I gave her that much space because she gave me silent treatment.it lasted 7 mos. Then lo and behold, she was then emotionally detached.i gave her space, I thought, then this I got.....have I known....its somewhat emotional abuse(?) Dont know to whch one.and its not healthy! Learned my lessons.....no more....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Random Dude, you break your silent treatment by poking and pi**ing her off and she kinda likes it ! So then you go into war, work it all out...bury it -like we do - this is really nothing like the kind of silent abuse I have watched 2 of our friends put themselves through . She would always call me & complain about him, neither would talk to each other, I thought it was insanity. It would go on for weeks, maybe longer, I can't remember -and living in the same house. My mouth used to hang open when I asked how long it has been. I could easily see it would end in divorce, they both built walls to China ...and it all crumbled. 

Even after divorce, they play these silly games where one won't speak to the other -about the darn kids, and it is rediculous -only the kids have suffered. She gets mad at me cause I tell her she NEEDS to call him, tell him this or that. Now her son won't have anything to do with her (he lives with dad) and her daughter wants nothing to do with him (she lives with mom). So too the children suffer. 


She tried to do this crap to me one time when She got mad at me -during that divorce, feeling I was on her ex's side (not true!) ... I waited a little whle, then I confronted her, if she wanted to throw me away -then she was going to tell me to my face, she owed me that much -being friends since high school. Of coarse we worked it out (many yrs ago now) , she's called me her best friend ever since. She's gotten better over the years with things like this, but it was generally her way -when hurt -to go into silent mode.

Give me a good old BRAWL any day of the week- over that --so we can get it out of our system...and make up, to see where we stand in the relationship.... IF it can stand, or we need to Re-adjust something, find some common ground , whatever... whether married or even in friendships. 

If my friends can't handle some uncomfortable moments in communication, then I wouldn't want them anyway.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The silent treatment is juvenile and very passive aggressive. I wouldn't stand for it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When the silent treatment is used in a habitual pattern it is a form of emotional abuse and control. 

It is devastating to the person on the receiving as well as to the relationship. John Gottman, a relationship psychologist, lists "stonewalling" as 1 of the 4 signs of the breakdown of a relationship, and 1 of the 4 reasons that marriages end in divorce.

The silent treatment isn't the same as a "cooling off" period. Example: "We are both really upset right now so let's talk about this later when we've calmed down." That is a healthy way to resolve disputes/concerns, etc.

The silent treatment is straight up rude/wrong/and solves nothing. It's abusive and is used to ostracize the other person.

My ex did this all the time to me. Sometimes after a disagreement, sometimes out of the blue. I had it down to a science, it was like clockwork. It could lasts for days to weeks on end despite me saying I wanted to discuss things. The last time he stonewalled me, it lasted about 1.5 month before I left.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I only did it once to my wife about 6 years ago over something stupid.

She later told me how bad it really hurt her and I vowed to never, ever do that again. I do believe it was as bad as cheating her.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

:iagree:. Its proper communication. But how can it be proper communication if no one wants to speaks or if one of us talk, it ended up in verbal fight? If I talk, she butts in even im not done and it pissess me off, and she reacts abruptly, or she is good in pushing my buttons. Is something wrong with my wife? She likes it if i flare up! But when I flare up, she will get upset too. I dont know is something wrong with her or she is just like that. I can only speak for me. Its my INSECURITY, EGO, and PRIDE. Please advise.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kekel1123 said:


> :iagree:. Its proper communication. But how can it be proper communication if no one wants to speaks or if one of us talk, it ended up in verbal fight? If I talk, she butts in even im not done and it pissess me off, and she reacts abruptly, or she is good in pushing my buttons. Is something wrong with my wife? She likes it if i flare up! But when I flare up, she will get upset too. I dont know is something wrong with her or she is just like that. I can only speak for me. Its my INSECURITY, EGO, and PRIDE. Please advise.


Here is a great article on healthy communcation...

Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE

Getting to the 5th & 6th points in healthy Conflict -- quoted here: 



> *5*.Interdependent couples fight! They fight in a healthy way and do not fear or avoid healthy conflict and uncomfortable feelings in their marriage. Because they are able to express their genuine feelings when they occur, they are able to show anger in a healthy way, without rage. When they do show their feelings in an unhealthy manner, they are able to recognize their relapse, realize what deeper issues have been touched, and forgive themselves without spiraling in shame. They are also able to forgive their partners for their mistakes. Interdependent couples recognize that to deny feelings is to deny who we truly are. They accept that the full range of emotion is to be real. They know that without expressing genuine emotion, the feelings will run their lives and take over in the form of addictions or other counterproductive and unhealthy behaviors.
> 
> 
> *6*.Interdependent couples have healthy communication, with deep connection and intimate sharing. Because they are consistently working on healing their emotional wounds and confronting their emotional pain, they feel free to communicate and show others their real self. Commitment to working on their relationship is a priority. They commit to therapy and individual growth in their recovery. They trust the process of healing, trusting their ability to feel their pain, work through their issues, and follow through with their individual and marriage counseling appointments.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

My husband used to do it to me all the time to the point i stopped talking to him at all, what was the point i couldn't discuss how i felt. He would full out sulk too 

Its taken 8 months of counselling for him and he seems to not do it any more.


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