# When your entire life feels like it's not properly aligned...



## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

First time poster here.

I typically post with a ton of detail in forums. I'm going to go the shorter "reddit" type question route. 

How can everything feel wrong when my children seem so right and they’re directly tied with everything? I feel like everything after my parents divorce 30 years ago is not right. Career, life, marriage, even friendships feel a wee bit off. It’s “off” almost like that was the fork in the road for the always not feeling quite right. Like there’s a parallel Universe that’s got things set properly, but the one I'm in isn't it.

I know that this general idea can be dissected to details. I've been seeing a therapist for the last 2 years, 60+ sessions. They've been weekly, then bi-weekly and have now tapered to once a month. This has been most helpful. 

But looking for some thought from others who feel an off "tilt" to life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So after all that therapy what have you discovered about it?


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So after all that therapy what have you discovered about it?


That's a very therapy like question and leads to circles for me, with this feeling. So changing it up, I'm looking for other opinions who may have a similar observation. It's more of a _"shootin' the ****"_ type question. Looking up at the stars and saying _"Why does it feel like my place in the universe is in the wrong universe?"_

I'm looking to reflect off others who may feel the same type of general malaise. But right now, it's as though the pieces are almost right, but they just don't fit.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

korkster said:


> That's a very therapy like question and leads to circles for me, with this feeling. So changing it up, I'm looking for other opinions who may have a similar observation. It's more of a _"shootin' the ****"_ type question. Looking up at the stars and saying _"Why does it feel like my place in the universe is in the wrong universe?"_
> 
> I'm looking to reflect off others who may feel the same type of general malaise. But right now, it's as though the pieces are almost right, but they just don't fit.


Just wondering if 2 years of therapy helped you at all.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Just wondering if 2 years of therapy helped you at all.


It has a great deal. There has been a significant amount of unpacking of long term issues which have led to some positive outcomes. But this is more of a campfire question sortof thing.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

Let me add some clarification, I'm a believer that you can't cherry pick from other people's lives. You can't say _"I want that persons children"_ without taking on all of the other bits and pieces. That's what makes this whole thing feel odd for me. I feel like my children are 100% meant for me and my relationship with them is exceptional.

And I wouldn't have them if all the events of the past didn't lead up tho that point. But all of those events feel off and I feel like my current life is off. My children are 14 and 12 now so I've been a dad for quite some time.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Sounds like you’re thinking too much. Stop. Get out of your head. 
Stop focusing on the past/present and what you FEEL might be off, and start focusing on what you want your life to be like and what immediate actions can you start doing do move you inthat direction.

I’m quite certain you can identify a few positive goals that would improve your life, they don’t even have to be huge so don’t overthink that either. It’s about creating positive momentum.

You know some things that would be good for you, and that you would want for yourself/your life. Focus on small, incremental, actionable steps to move yourself in that direction. Identify a few things to start with and go execute. Stop thinking, go DO.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Sounds like you’re thinking too much. Stop. Get out of your head.


Yep, I wouldn't disagree with that. Unfortunately, the mindfulness workshops didn't help and I have a history of planning things out. Some positive side effects of that include financial independence and relative freedom, but the only thing I'd like to be free from is my own mind.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I'm relatively new around TAM & don't know all the rules. I'm hoping it's OK that a woman is posting in this men's club house because the Q seems gender neutral to me.

When you feel like everything in your life is off that is too much to fix all at once. So pick one part of what's out of whack & fix that. When it re-aligns sometimes the other parts follow. When I'm feeling ambitious I address the worst or most weighty but sometimes when it's all I can do to get out of bed I deal with the easiest. When you are off, sometimes the little victories energize you & give you the motivating to tackle more stuff. 

As somebody once said, make your bed every morning. It starts your day off with a sense of accomplishment. 

When you have the energy / time you can look at your the parts of your whole life: health; family; marriage; work; spirituality; social issues / friends; & finances. Together they are like wedges in a wheel. When one is off, it affects your ability to function so you need to realign all of it. But like I started with you can't always fix everything at once; that can be too overwhelming. There needs to be balance but no one part of your life should dominate. They are all needed to be happy & fulfilled.

Since you have achieved the financial freedom, where do you think you are the weakest? Address that aspect of your life.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> I'm relatively new around TAM & don't know all the rules. I'm hoping it's OK that a woman is posting in this men's club house because the Q seems gender neutral to me.
> 
> When you feel like everything in your life is off that is too much to fix all at once. So pick one part of what's out of whack & fix that. When it re-aligns sometimes the other parts follow. When I'm feeling ambitious I address the worst or most weighty but sometimes when it's all I can do to get out of bed I deal with the easiest. When you are off, sometimes the little victories energize you & give you the motivating to tackle more stuff.
> 
> ...


That's actually great feedback, and you're right. Everything perhaps seems out because there's an off balance.

The last time I experienced this, I struggled for a couple years but ultimately after I couldn't take it anymore, I quit my job, we sold the house and moved the family to another country to "step away from the forest to see the trees." That was 10 years ago, but here we are again. This was before the kids had started school so we spent a year living on the ocean before we settled back home and the kids started school.

And this time around, I've acknowledged that my daughters are the same age that I was when my parents divorced which may be shining light on issues. It was very messy and dramatic. It was also very unique.

My daughters are currently the same age I was when my family fell apart. And I seem to be associating their ages with my own life at that age and it's unsettling. It's bringing up insecurities and I'm fighting hard, through this pandemic, to make sure that my girls are experiencing the best that they can. But it's an uphill battle. When I was younger, the Internet was just beginning. It was fun, but it wasn't everything. There was no texting, no email and video games were hard and in front of the family tv. Nowadays, kids have their faces planted on their phones for everything. Socializing, gaming, media, school... Everything. And the influence from their friends and the effects of social media influencers is horrible. Young women talking about how they made $15k on Onlyfans in only 3 weeks is leading the younger kids to believe that selling their pictures online is acceptable. And maybe it's okay now. Maybe I don't get it. Women's liberation and feminism to take control of their own decisions.

Tie that to the pandemic where the kids couldn't see their friends in person for many, many months or go out and socialize (parks were even closed where I am) and I'm left with a guilt feeling that they aren't going to have have nostalgic memories of their youth, which is interesting, because my youth had negative effects on me, but I have good memories despite what, on paper, looks very messed up.

It's very conflicted and unstable.

For me, watching my daughters navigate through this time is causing challenges with my own past. And as a result, things feel like everything is off and I don't even know what/how to start dividing things out. Things are very interconnected. Hence, my comment initially that the fork in the road, for me, of feeling off was my parents divorce.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense or not.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you feel like you’re outside looking in at life then that’s exactly how most people feel.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I too spend a lot of time in my own head so understand what the OP is talking about. The mind is constantly spinning so many different scenarios that you can feel displaced or disconnected from your real life. In truth I have always been envious of people who can simply live in the moment. 

OP one piece of advice I will give you is life is going to happen, you can't control or wish or worry over every minute detail so need to focus on the big picture. Be a good man, a good husband and a good father, enjoy the moments, enjoy the love of your family. The present, the right here and right now is the real deal, stop focusing on the abstract ideas your mind spins.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> If you feel like you’re outside looking in at life then that’s exactly how most people feel.


It's more like the exact opposite. It's more like I'm inside, looking outside at life. But life took a different turn. 

Almost like I'm Gilligan in Superman or Mario in Ecco the Dolphin. A bird in the water or a fish on land. 

I feel like the wrong player in the wrong game or a very poorly cast main character in the wrong movie.

Sortof.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

korkster said:


> It's more like the exact opposite. It's more like I'm inside, looking outside at life. But life took a different turn.
> 
> Almost like I'm Gilligan in Superman or Mario in Ecco the Dolphin. A bird in the water or a fish on land.
> 
> ...


If you have achieved financial freedom (something most don't) then you obviously have a strong mind, discipline, know how to plan, and so on. Why can't you cast yourself as the main character in your own life movie? 

Are you an artist of some sort? Maybe dive into that as an outlet.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> If you have achieved financial freedom (something most don't) then you obviously have a strong mind, discipline, know how to plan, and so on. Why can't you cast yourself as the main character in your own life movie?
> 
> Are you an artist of some sort? Maybe dive into that as an outlet.


Because my own life movie doesn't feel right. The only thing that does is my children.

So let's take my career for example. I work in high-tech. When I was in my early twenties, I realized that my career was similar to that of an athlete. There's young talent all over the place and always biting at the heels of those who are older. Hunger and youth is highly valued. Being a "family man" takes away from working into the evening. And so recognizing that, I decided to save and make hay while the sun shines. As a result, I didn't travel or eat out often with friends. Always gunning for the finish line, the "magical day" when I'd have enough money to do nothing if I chose. Be a master of my own freedom. Saving one day at a time knowing that at any time, the career may go "poof" and be gone. And it's partly because my best ability is to follow through. To remain consistent and follow the path. And I still work in my industry. And I earn a decent income.

All while others were out chasing the vacations, the cars, the bigger homes, I was chasing the passive income that my investments could generate for concern of being made obsolete. I didn't sell a business or purchase tons of rental properties with HELOC loans or mine crypto 10 year ago only to sell today. No, my story of wealth accumulation is boring. Saved as much as I could, a penny at a time from working dollars for hours for nearly 20 years.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe this is bad decision making, quite to the opposite. But that's part of the challenge. Good decision making has led to lack of stupid decisions which has led to a somewhat boring story. The obvious answer is that with financial freedom, it's time to take that story and make it interesting! 

My grandfather died with money. It's because he never learned how to spend it. A true miser and very unlikeable individual.

I don't know how to take my story and make it interesting. I've had no practice. I never learned how to and even if I tried, I struggle because I don't know how to make stupid decisions. I'm responsible and a good dad. I'm a rock solid post for my daughters. Beyond that, I don't know.


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## footnassman1 (Jun 28, 2021)

I am sorry that you feel this way. 

Introspection seems to run very prominently with you. That is wonderful, but depending on one's experiences and views of the past, present and future, it can leave you locked in a difficult place. Things, other than my kids, just seem to be off track.....

It seems to me that there is a hollowness in you that you arent sure about, or comfortable with. You seem to have so many positive traits, but still there is a significant void, despite your successes. 

Being totally new here, and not knowing how these discussions play out, I almost fear how this will "play"...but the only one I would care about playing well to would be you, so I will discount what others might think, or say. 

Spiritually, how do you feel? Do you have a faith that you practice, that forms the central core of who you are, and what you are about? I would encourage you to dive into this, the one area at the center of all of us....


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

the way i look at life, life is a mission. you are tasks to do certain things in your life and you are given people, circumstances, parents, et. now that isn't to say
we don't control our destiny, but we are given a lot of things beyond our control. so what is your life mission? being a great dad and raising great kids? being a great husband?
contributing to society and the betterment of mankind by exceling at what you do (even if it's not considered prestigious by some people)? being a good son to your parents, greater family?

my only recommendation to you is to figure out your life's mission and try your best in all aspects of it. at the end of the day, you've done your job.
(to quote peter boyle in taxi driver after robert deniro told him he gave stupid advice about his life crisis: "whatya want? i'm a cab driver!")


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

I appreciate the responses. 

I don't have a faith that I practice because none of them fit so far. To each their own. But I'm not opposed to the ideas presented. For example, if we take Christianity, I do believe in the lessons and think that they're really great. 7 Deadly sins are fascinating when you look at how they affect dopamine in the brain and drive in life. What we have is never enough... Thank-you dopamine!

Regarding purpose, I can hit on that one pretty quickly. My initial thought and still my thought is that my purpose is my children. To make sure that they become kind and considerate adults and ones who want to contribute to the world in a meaningful way. I want to help them achieve happiness and contentment and drive. Once they're adults, I want to continue to support them by being their unconditional support. The wind they can always count on beneath their wings. I want to make sure that they make mistakes now so that they can learn from them to learn how to recover from mistakes. When I'm wrong about something, I will specifically apologize to them. I'll say "I'm sorry" and I don't follow it up with "But..." and then ramble on about why I overreacted or got angry. I want them to know it's good to apologize and take ownership. My purpose is that the day I die, they can have a celebration of life, not a funeral and be strong enough to continue forward knowing that life is good.

But part of my struggle is that I don't know what's going to be right for the future? I see many of the kids I knew growing up who were the troublemakers. The assholes and the idiots and many of them have learned how to manipulate the system and achieve success. They're travelling the world, schmoozing the uber rich, connections in high places. These are the same guys who manipulated girls in highschool to get in their pants or cheated on their tests and got accepted into ivy-league schools. OTOH, some of them are also dead. 

As I'm now 40, my stance has changed from being black and white to everything being grey areas. When I was growing up, smoking was bad. Remember those old commercials with the egg "This is your brain.. This is your brain on drugs..." Well when I was a teenager, drugs and smoking were an addiction and I totally fell into the propaganda of “drugs are bad.” 

In high school, I always drove people home from parties since I had a car and didn’t drink. And I didn’t look down at those who drank but I did look down at those who did drugs and smoked. I had a hard line there. Drugs were a sign of weakness, a loss of respect and control for yourself. I was either annoyingly proud as a kid or scared to become like my alcoholic dad. Alcohol was different. I didn’t want to partake, but didn’t criticize those who did. It was a temporary “relief” and not an addiction as I understood it. And I found my place as the DD at most parties. In hindsight, I do have regrets that I didn’t drink at parties. I may have had more liquid courage or may have been more outgoing. So I was your fit in with the crowd, average, everyday normal guy. I didn’t get in trouble or do crazy things. That was left for the other kids, the ones who got the girls and had ample amounts of exploratory teen sex. In fact, I remember driving two people home one night, making out drunk in the backseat of my car. I had a crush on her. But I was “the nice guy.” 

But why was I the nice guy? Maybe it was childhood trauma or maybe I'm simply wired that way?

So as a result, as my daughters get older my stance has shifted more away from "rules" and more into helping my daughters discover their own moral compass and standards. This has been a struggle because, to me, being 13 years old and posting pics online of guys grabbing their breasts or smoking hash out of a water bottle or giving themselves permanent tattoos (stick n' pokes) or doing online fashion strip shows to strangers is NOT good behaviour. But it's what their peer group is doing. But am I just being "ol man korkster" and this is just what kids do these days?

I did the right thing when I was a kid and it's led to regrets. I don't know why I was always "do the right thing korkster" but it's led to therapy. Lot's of therapy.

And so I'm forced to relive my own past and recall the mistakes I feel I made to help my daughters navigate their own path with my guidance. But who am I as a guide? I can't even get my own sh*t together.

[ADDED] Also, the irony of parenthood doesn't escape me to realize that as a kid, we all think our parents know everything and yet, in reality, they're just "winging it" too.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

korkster said:


> life took a different turn.


Man, my life has taken so many unexpected turns that I should be motion sick. I never thought I would be divorced and a single Dad. But being in my mid 50's, I've learned to accept the curve balls, learn something positive from them and not to dwell on the negative. Sure I'm divorced, but I've also got two amazing kids. Things could be worse. Life is not perfect and you're chasing something you will never find if you think it is. And before you know it, it will pass you by. As a Christian, I know God has already mapped out my entire life out and it's playing out the way it is for a purpose. So I'm enjoying the ride and encourage to do the same.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> Man, my life has taken so many unexpected turns that I should be motion sick. I never thought I would be divorced and a single Dad. But being in my mid 50's, I've learned to accept the curve balls, learn something positive from them and not to dwell on the negative. Sure I'm divorced, but I've also got two amazing kids. Things could be worse. Life is not perfect and you're chasing something you will never find if you think it is. And before you know it, it will pass you by. As a Christian, I know God has already mapped out my entire life out and it's playing out the way it is for a purpose. So I'm enjoying the ride and encourage to do the same.


And I bet you've got some crazy stories to tell! That's the kicker. My life has taken very few unexpected turns. When I was 20, I figured by 40 I'd be married, children, working in my field of choice, financially independent... I had it mapped out and as such, ensured that very little would derail me from my goals. Nothing short of a few hiccups, the execution was flawless.

I'm pretty much exactly where I had planned to be. And now... It feels very off.

I played a strong, technically executed game of Super Mario on my first turn and my eye was on the finish line. Did all the jumps as I had planned, didn't do any side quests and never touched the mushrooms as I didn't need them (see what I did there?) ;-)

But I'm now in the last levels. The game is almost over. I can't go back, but don't know what other game to play.

And I'm trying to position for a better future by understanding the past. Maybe I'm dwelling, maybe it's nostalgia, but I'm trying to move forward. The only thing I can think of is to do something reckless that's outside of my character to shake things up. But I don't do those kinds of things...


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah. I recognise a lot of what you say. I was, (as far as I can understand from what you say), in pretty much the same place at around age 40-42. That was a little over 20 years ago, I am now in my mid 60s. And a complete change was necessary. 

Like Diana, I am interested to know what you got from therapy. I had a couple of hundred sessions of conventional therapy and it didn't touch it.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah. I recognise a lot of what you say. I was, (as far as I can understand from what you say), in pretty much the same place at around age 40-42. That was a little over 20 years ago, I am now in my mid 60s. And a complete change was necessary.


What was your complete change? From what to what?



Laurentium said:


> Like Diana, I am interested to know what you got from therapy. I had a couple of hundred sessions of conventional therapy and it didn't touch it.



Some context is needed for the therapy question to give a starting point. 

When I first started in therapy 2 years ago, I had JUST fallen into a very dark depression. I was incapable of functioning. Having a shower was the hardest thing I had to do all day and I couldn't do my job, I simply coasted, pretending to do my job. But because the right pieces were in place and I'd built a decently oiled machine prior, things moved forward. One of the hardest things I've ever done is kept my job as a C suite executive at a high-tech company while depressed with suicidal thoughts and not letting on to anyone I worked with. No self medicating either. My brain was s, so, so broken.

And then after a couple triggers, my brain broke harder. I finally threw in the towel and decided to take the Zoloft the doctor prescribed. And that made things 10X worse. At 3am every night, I'd lie in bed and it literally felt like a demonic wave of negative energy was washing up on me, covering my face and body with pain and suffering and unimaginable sadness and despair. I very quickly understood that most people don't actually want to die, but rather, that pain of being alive is just too strong. That's now why it's referred to as "death by suicide" and not "committed suicide." I was also on Ativan but could only be prescribed 10 pills at a time as I was on suicide watch. 

Fast forward a bit and after multiple visits with a psychiatrist I was prescribed Seroquel for type 2 Bipolar Disorder. I was a very interesting case. It took 6 sessions to diagnose me. He wanted to be thorough. I didn't meet all the criteria for an official diagnosis, but most of it.

By this time, I was already seeing my therapist. He was trying to, for all intents and purposes keep me from falling off the cliff.

So fast forward 2 years from that starting point. I'm now very much functioning again. One of the big aspects is that I'm separating my mind and spirit from my wife. 3 years ago, I felt like we were one person in 2 separate bodies. It almost felt etherial and I often thought it was a good thing. Soul mates.

But today, I'm seeing myself as a separate person. My heart has been breaking with her in front of me. It's like I'm watching her die and there's nothing I can do about it, as we age and she's older than I am. That has forced me into a sort of defensive shell. And as such, my emotions are dulling (which, for a type-2 bipolar is interesting since, as I understand it, I feel the feels on a much larger scale than a normal person.)

This has been a struggle. I've been together with my wife since I was 18 and she was 25 and I never played the field (I was the "nice guy".) She was my first love and I put everything into it. She had numerous relationships prior to me. So first love brain chemicals with bi-polar intensity and you've got a pretty white hot set of emotions to deal with.

Oh yeah, and my childhood best friend from public and highschool died, public school girlfriend died along with a few of my classmates (funerals suck for 30 something's), some family members, etc... Those were little cherries on top.

But fast forward to today, and I'm now fully functioning and have clawed my way out of the deep, dark hole. I've done a great deal of work to get to where I am and have not destroyed anything in my life. Everything is intact. Mindfulness workshops, Inner Critic Workshops, group therapy of sorts, therapy, psychiatrist, multiple medications (of which I'm on none of them now) and countless hours ruminating and trying to understand the cause of my restlessness.

Along the way, my therapist has helped me uncover a number of things. I've had several long conversations with my father about how hurt I was when he did some of the things he did. He's apologized for them.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Thanks for clarifying. I don't have anything like bipolar. The part I identified with was this: (and at the same age)



korkster said:


> _"Why does it feel like my place in the universe is in the wrong universe?"_


and


> It's more like I'm inside, looking outside at life.


And the thread title, "not properly aligned".

I think my internal experience was very different from yours. And I'm not clear if you are still experiencing the above quotes. In my case, what had to happen was a taking of my attention off of my thoughts and feelings, and putting it on to (a) _my body_ and (b) something _greater than myself_. The latter was difficult, as I was not religious. It's a bit like (not exactly like) that thing that AA say about "God _as we understood Him_". It doesn't have to be a deity.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

OP, take this with a grain of salt. I am wondering if you would consider yourself a higher functioning (IQ) person? A Deep thinker? Feel things deep? I have taken a similar path. I have messed with SSRIs and I think if you get the right meds, they may well 'fix' you by sort of numbing things. I am not willing to go down the med route because I won't gamble on weight gain. However, my life experiences taught me that some people are just shallow and not too bothered. I too am still haunted by family/friend losses. 

I could only explain it as an out of body, this-is-not-me type feeling. Let's just say nearly every single thing I expected in life is 180* opposite and I honestly don't even care. For that reason, I'd recommend trying meds. I know everyone here says "take a pill" but I did and though it helped, I did insane stupid stuff. How about emptying a glock in the air while driving down the highway for no reason at all!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

We've reached a sad moment in society when a hardworking man with clear integrity doesn't feel valued. I'd say a good portion of your issues come from comparing yourself to others, and feeling like your efforts and accomplishments don't mean what they should. You had clear goals as a youth, you held to your convictions, and you met them, and it's left you feeling a bit empty, like you were so focused on arriving at your destination that you didn't enjoy the journey, and now that you are arriving, you anticipate feeling a lack of goals and drive. You need to find new goals to strive for. Find the hobbies and activities that you set aside earlier and bring them into your life. Or seek out some new skills; get involved with projects with your children. You seem to have always been driven by some external needs; your financial plans, your parenting, etc. Start slowly, do it with balance, as it's going to feel strange looking at your own emotional needs.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

bobsmith said:


> OP, take this with a grain of salt. I am wondering if you would consider yourself a higher functioning (IQ) person? A Deep thinker? Feel things deep? I have taken a similar path. I have messed with SSRIs and I think if you get the right meds, they may well 'fix' you by sort of numbing things. I am not willing to go down the med route because I won't gamble on weight gain. However, my life experiences taught me that some people are just shallow and not too bothered. I too am still haunted by family/friend losses.


I do consider that I function on a different level than most. Higher levels of empathy, consideration, compassion and trust. In my mind, I've always been very optimistic and positive thinking about society. It could be considered innocent and sheltered or it could be naive or blind. In the past, I've also been very proud.

The struggle with the loss of family and friends. Most people say "get over it" but my feeling of connection with people who were once part of my life, but now gone, transcends time. Almost like, once there's a bond, it's there forever. My wife's bonds go up and down. Mine is a more permanent, forever type thing it seems.



bobsmith said:


> I could only explain it as an out of body, this-is-not-me type feeling. Let's just say nearly every single thing I expected in life is 180* opposite and I honestly don't even care. For that reason, I'd recommend trying meds. I know everyone here says "take a pill" but I did and though it helped, I did insane stupid stuff. How about emptying a glock in the air while driving down the highway for no reason at all!


I've been prescribed a number of different medications in the past. Effexor was horrible with crazy side effects, not sure if the Wellbutrin did anything, Zoloft... Demonic waves, never again! Seroquel... I'm one of the only people on the planet who has apparently lost weight while on this medication and Ativan... I seem to have a resistance to it. I've never felt it do anything.

Medication doesn't do well with me and like yourself, I'm not interested in the weight gain.

I don't have the out of body experience. I do feel like "this is me." But I feel like "me" has changed or is about to change in significant ways.


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## korkster (Jul 12, 2021)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> We've reached a sad moment in society when a hardworking man with clear integrity doesn't feel valued. I'd say a good portion of your issues come from comparing yourself to others, and feeling like your efforts and accomplishments don't mean what they should. You had clear goals as a youth, you held to your convictions, and you met them, and it's left you feeling a bit empty, like you were so focused on arriving at your destination that you didn't enjoy the journey, and now that you are arriving, you anticipate feeling a lack of goals and drive.


^ This. 100% agreed. Hard work and dedication seems to be undervalued in my world.

Hardworking and integrity also relates to predictable and boring. I see peers of mine who were reckless in the past and they're doing very well. Not because they've grown-up, but because they know how to get away with things. And they don't care. They'll continue to be reckless because they're selfish and inconsiderate. And what does it get them? Money and fun and if they screw up, they get bailed out somehow.



Hopeful Cynic said:


> You need to find new goals to strive for. Find the hobbies and activities that you set aside earlier and bring them into your life. Or seek out some new skills; get involved with projects with your children. You seem to have always been driven by some external needs; your financial plans, your parenting, etc. Start slowly, do it with balance, as it's going to feel strange looking at your own emotional needs.


Moving forward, you are correct. I don't even know how to look at my own needs.


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