# Tired of carrying everything on my shoulders...



## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

I am not sure where to start so I will from the beginning I guess. 

My husband and I have been married for 15yrs (when I was 20yr) and have 3 kids (14, 11, 9yr). My husband is a good man and a VERY good dad. Around 12yrs ago he had a slip and fall and work and went out on WC...after many years of fighting he got a pay out (money ran out about 8yrs ago) and has yet to return to work. A couple years after the slip and fall he got diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis (essentially arthritis of the back). It has been a LONG journey as we had a newborn and major money issues when all of this was going on. Due to money issues I was forced to go back to work way before I was ready after we had our youngest since utilities were getting shut off, etc. While our 2 youngest were home it worked good with my husband being home as we didn't have to pay for daycare. However....that was 5 yrs ago. 

Forward to present and my husband is still not working. I have been solely supporting my family of 5 for 9yrs. For quite a while there was just this unspoken stance he took that he was unable/unwilling to work due to his illness. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I had kids and with all the additional stress it has taken a significant toll on me over the years and my depression/anxiety continued to get worse. I have done my best to support my family although our financial responsibilities have increased (car payment, mortgage, kid activities, etc) I am beyond burnt out and stressed, I cry all the time, have anxiety and unable to sleep. I've tried talking to my husband about working and EVERYTIME we get a huge blow up since the only thing he ever says is "I don't care about his health, I only care about money, I am suppose to support my family (that was my vow) since he cant work, if I need him to work..then FINE...he will run his body down and get addicted to pills, etc) During the hours of me being at work...essentially nothing would be done around the house..no wash..no cleaning, he finally got on board about dinner (he cooks maybe 3xweek) since I had to pick up a 2nd job. He was spending about $100-150/month on himself for stupid stuff...comics, video games, etc. We have not been able to make ends meet so I had to get a credit card and we are now in about $6k of debt. 

I am at a loss. I feel so hopeless, depressed, and worn down. 

Over the last cpl months it has become more clear to my husband how close to being done I am, as I made some bad choices and had a EA which lasted about 3 months. That is completely over and I know I made a HUGE mistake and we are working through it. Since he found out about the EA, he has started driving for UBER/Lyft...about 2 hours daily...maybe 3-4xweek. However, I have mixed feelings about all these "changes" he is trying to do. Why did it take you thinking I was going to leave to start working? If you can work now, why haven't you been able to work all this time? How has he sat there all these years and watch the mental and emotional toll all of this has taken on me? After my dad passed...I had to go back to work after 4 days...cause someone has to make $. I could go on and on. I've stayed at a job that I HATE due to having job security and feeling stuck. 

So over the weekend I tried talking with him again about getting a part-time job as the UBER/Lyft thing is NOT was I was talking about...Im talking about a reliable income and not just him working/driving when he feels like it. Of course....it was a HUGE blow up. "I don't care about his health, I only care about money, the MD tells him he cant work (which is not true)", etc. 

It just feels like a completely hopeless situation...my husband sees no problem with everything being on my shoulders as that's my "job" so how can you fix something you don't even acknowledge. He does not qualify for disability as he got denied and now since he hasn't worked in 10yr does not have the credit....

Is there anyone else dealing with a chronically ill spouse that either isn't or refuses to work?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your H is guilting you with his physical issues. That is wrong. It is apparent your H does not care about your mind and body. Just keep working dragonlady. 

What does your H bring to the table other than his appetite? Keep house, kids, handles bills? Anything at all or is your H a couch potato?


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Oh wow.. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Now, I'm not in a similar situation by any means but when I read your story, my anxiety increased tremendously. I think my biggest fear is not being able to support myself or my partner losing their job and not being able to help support the family. It sounds like a nightmare and by reading your post, I get the feeling you think the same way. 

To be honest, I think this situation is NOT OKAY. I'm so confused as to why your husband isn't that bothered by you shouldering ALL of the financial responsibility. Great example of defying stereotypes and not falling victim to the "provider" trap, but seriously, this is just not okay by any means. He needs to start contributing to the household. I'm sure there are plenty of jobs he can do with his condition. He could even do two part time jobs.

I would really put my foot down about this. How much longer are you supposed to do this until you crash, burn out, and have to go on disability yourself??


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You are amazing, Dragonlady. You picked up all his responsibilities when he was hurt and have been doing everything for 5 years.

Why did he not qualify for disability?

He obviously doesn't care about your well being, if he turns it onto himself, playing the drama king and victim.

He is not a good father and man, if he sits around all day while home and doing nothing around the home while you are work. He is setting a horrible example for his children. Does he want them to marry someone who takes advantage of them, forcing them to take on more than they are able to handle?

Just like a SAHM has plenty of work, even though she doesn't make an income doing it, he needs to EARN his keep by working at home, doing all the things that wealthier people would pay someone to do: laundry, house cleaning, making appointments, taking children to appointments, grocery shopping, planning meals, cooking, dishes, trash, etc. There is so much to do at home that it actually takes more time than a full time job...he needs to be working while you are at work, and continue working when you get home and you start doing things at home too.

You are clearly beyond your level of what you can take, since you are stressed all the time, crying, etc.

Have you seen a counselor, or life coach to help you sort some things out?


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## dragonlady2314 (Feb 26, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> You are amazing, Dragonlady. You picked up all his responsibilities when he was hurt and have been doing everything for 5 years.
> 
> Why did he not qualify for disability?
> 
> ...


Yes when all of this came to ahead (when I had the EA) I realized how out of control things were and have been. So despite our money issues I made a commitment to myself to get into counseling and have been doing that since Oct. We do not have health insurance so I've been paying out of pocket....every now and then I get all freaked out about money and think I should stretch out the appointments but I REFUSE to put myself last anymore. I'll go into credit card debt to get this all worked out lol. 

It is just so difficult and even when I'm telling people my story I always worry that I am leaning too far to my side and not giving an accurate representation. The kicker part...is for the most part we get along good. We laugh, goof around, he very supportive emotionally....but as people have pointed out...things are good with us as long as I don't bring up him working or money issues...


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