# Opposite Sex Friendships, after past infidelity.



## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

Hey everyone, 

I'm new here and could use some non-family, non-friend advice or insight.

My wife and I have been married for 4.5yrs, together for 5.5yrs, and we have a 3yr old son.


About 6months ago my wife and I started co-ed group weight training classes, though I only did it for a month. She's still going and it's great for her because it keeps her in shape and it's social.

Recently my wife has been feeling overwhelmed with work, raising our toddler, being a wife, and not having a social life. Saying that sometimes she just wants to go out and go crazy. (go party like she used to)

The group of trainers at this gym are all a group of friends, guys and girls, I've met some of them and they're nice people.

One of them, before he knew she was married said one day, "sometimes we go to "x" down the street for drinks, you should come some time" Which is innocent enough, but obviously asking her out to me. in the following month I started, he knew who I was because I had started, but never said anything to me.

My wife started going to 6am classes twice a week, in which this guy is the trainer (he's 5'5") teaches.

She asks me one day if it's ok for her to have a guy friend, and I say no I guess not. Then one day he IM's her on FB, and she asks me if it's ok if she answers, and I say I guess it's fine as long as it's not all the time.

But suddenly I'm coming home everyday and she's bringing him up, he's a nice guy, we have things in common and him and Stacy (another trainer) are buddies and he's roommates with Erica (another trainer).

And he's IMing her every other day, and she's not hiding it, it's out in the open, which I think is a good sign. She's said he's not been disrespectful or inappropriate. So generally this friendship has been growing a bit too all the time for me. I understand she's craving some friendship, but I don't think it's appropriate how sudden it is.

Then one day she says that they were talking about The Walking Dead, and he's never seen it, and asks me if I could download it for him. And I kinda laugh because I'm thinking are you kidding? I say no I'm not going to download a tv show for your new boyfriend.

She gets offended and I kinda just say, you know I said you could have a guy friends but it's like he's IMing you every other day and you see him twice a week at class. 

She says she understands and will back off, there's nothing going on but doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. She says I want you to meet him. So we go to the class halloween party and she introduces me. But the entire evening he never comes up to talk or anything and she never brings him over, and I get upset and think this is a red flag.

Any way my wife can't seem to make friends with women, the guys in class request her friendship, and I wonder why no girls, she says it's easier to make friends with guys, and I say, it's because you're a "hot chick", OF COURSE it's easier, you don't have to do any work they give you all the attention.

At the moment we had a good conversation about me being uncomfortable and that I don't want this guy IMing my wife all the time and I don't want him to be your only friend, and the only way I can see this working is if I am friends with him too, but that it can't be exclusive.

The problem is that even after a good talk, I'm still feeling uncomfortable. I've checked her phone and saw their messages and I haven't seen anything that raises any red flags, it's fairly innocent.

I'm caught not wanting my wife to feel suffocated and isolated, and not really wanting her to be more than just class acquaintances.

Any isight as to how to go forward?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

PUT AN END TO IT NOW ! I know many others here will weigh in and put this better than I can, but this is simply not appropriate. She is a MARRIED woman and mother. So that means the days of having close male friends like this that are not relatives is OVER ! 

Stop it now it it will become a PA guaranteed. And you state that she said : "she just wants to go out and go crazy. (go party like she used to)" Well she committed to getting married and having children and raising a family. That is her "party" now. Good Luck !


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I only read your title, and the answer is:

H3LL NO. Once someone cheats, they don't get to call the shots when it comes to members of the opposite sex. If they are doing so, then what you have is an unremorseful, gaslighting, gone-underground cheater on your hands.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lol. no, this is not ok. he wants to phuck your wife.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?


Even if she didn't have past infidelity, this is an inappropriate relationship. 

If there has been past infidelity by her, it's unfathomable that you have let it get this far.


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

"Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?"

When we first met we were both seeing other people, not in committed relationships, I had been on about 5 dates with this other woman, and she was still in this dysfunctional off/on/off/on/off/on thing with her ex who was also part of her social group.

I stopped seeing the woman I was dating, she ended it with her ex, but I caught her still talking to him, and found out they were sometimes seeing each other. (basically I was in the middle of their *final* dysfunctional *ok it's REALLY over this time, but not* exit) So I ended it with her, and over time we worked it out.

We got married and then shortly after she was pregnant with our son.....(her ex BF was gone and not heard of and they have had no contact, he's now married and awaiting his first child)

So we got through that period and I want to stress the last 4.5yrs our relationship has been excellent on all fronts, normal marriage conflicts come up, but nothing serious.

Even my family, and hers have remarked how big of a change she made *IN HERSELF* and how she manages her emotions and insecurities.

So I want to stress this, she's been to therapy, she has acknowledged that she unhealthily gets her self security and validation from attention from men, even though she's a "hot chick" and thats obvious, she still has body image issues.

Now I don't want to be a freak, my wifes really good-looking and she gets attention from men, and thats just going to happen, if I was uncomfortable with that I'd have married someone who's not attractive.

She LOVES her training group classes, so much she's thinking about switching careers to fitness and physical therapy, she goes 4 times a week, only twice at 6am the class he teaches. And I do not want to say you have to stop.

She's been very VERY understanding, she's been very much looking at me and saying I want you to know you have nothing to worry about, I love YOU, and he is not competition for you, when he IM's or I IM or Text him it's literally one or two sentences, we never are having conversations, it's only stuff like, "That was a tough class"! and a return of, "You did great though, drink a protein shake, cause we're doing pull ups tomorrow" I've seen these as well, and sometimes she's in a three way wall post on FB with him and this other female trainer.

I don't want to push my wife into feeling controlled or isolated, for something thats innocent, but also don't want to not say something and allow something innocent to turn into something more. *My wife is somewhat oblivious to male female social interactions, she only knows when someone's hitting on her when it's obvious* But doesn't quite get that the reason it's easier for her to make friends with guys is because she's hot.

I don't think he's doing anything, or saying anything inappropriate, nor she, but I feel like outside of the class I'm uncomfortable with IMing each other. *she's said she's backed off, giving short answers that don't further any conversation* 

She's not hiding her phone, or keeping it guarded, she's not making plans with him. I actually think he's more responsible than her. I KNOW he thinks she's hot, he's liked two of her pics on FB, and they happen to be the two "going out" pics of her looking done up. 

I have female friends, and I work around models, but she knows my female friends, they aren't NEW. The only time I got angry is when she said, honey really, he's just a friend and I said. "No, he's not, he's not your friend, he's the trainer guy at the gym class you go to, that you just met, he's an acquaintance"

So I'm not going to tell her to stop going to this class that she loves and means something to her, (I'm starting again too), and if it really is nothing to worry about I don't want to obsess and make her feel I'm being controlling. 

I said well maybe we should all go out, and i know him too, if he's nice as you say then maybe we'll have things in common too and become friends like I did with my friend Amys husband Eric.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Hall33 said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> I'm new here and could use some non-family, non-friend advice or insight.
> 
> ...


Have not read the entire thread. 

But, IMO, nip this in the bud. Your wife is playing brinksmanship, testing to see if she can get away with having an affair right under your nose. 

Also, regarding the male friends she attracts, obviously she is giving off a vibe that says I am open to an affair, otherwise single or married guys would not want to be her friend. 

Also, ask her if it's okay if you cultivate female friends. She may at this point say that's okay, which means she feels guilty about wanting to cheat or she may get really angry. 

Also, she might want to address via counseling why she finds it easier to make male friends. That seems as if she sees women as competitors. Those type of women are ripe for affairs.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hall33,

You have to understand that many people on this board know only all to well, the warnings signs of an affair. So from that standpoint, it shouldn't be surprising that you've received strong warnings about what "could" happen. I happen to be of the group that thinks you're playing with fire. If it were me I'd err on the side of taking a stand and preventing this contact. But you know what. You know your wife better than we do.

I just hope you're not back on this board in a few weeks, regretting your inaction and dreading hearing the "I told you so's".


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Hall33 said:


> "Your title says "after past infidelity", but you don't mention it in your post. Can you explain that?"
> 
> When we first met we were both seeing other people, not in committed relationships, I had been on about 5 dates with this other woman, and she was still in this dysfunctional off/on/off/on/off/on thing with her ex who was also part of her social group.
> 
> ...


Uhm. You need to wake up. 

She is testing you to see if she can get away with an affair right in front of you. 

She wants permission to IM men and go out and get crazy with them. 

My wife is really hot too. She is far better looking than I am although I am more successful than she and a high wage earner. 

My wife, during our marriage, never friended other men or hung out with them or phoned or texted them. My wife was the faithful spouse. She was a homebody and liked being home. She never wanted to go out with the girls.


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

Well look, I'm obviously not blind, even if what she says is true, that it's just friendly and he's not acting or saying anything inappropriate, nor is she, that their IMs are not conversations, but quick one offs, and that she has backed off, and that I don't have anything to worry about....

I obviously have encountered inappropriate things, didn't like the fact that he didn't approach me at the party where everyone was talking, didn't like that he doesn't seem uncomfortable IMing a married woman 5yrs his senior with a child. (she has said he's pretty immature for a 31 year old, and he's got two female roommates, and close female friends, so maybe he's like me, who was raised with sisters and is easy to make friends with girls as is with guys....I'm the same way, I have a good deal of female friends)

I don't care for him "liking" my wife's only two photos of her with her looking cute ready to go out on the town. 

I know what a shady dude is, I'm great at judging personality and he doesn't come across as a creep, and he IM's and Texts and calls another woman at the gym, another female trainer and this female trainer does the same back, almost brother/sister-like, and she is in a long term relationship with the owner of the gym (who he's friends with too)

My wife isn't showing the signs of cheating as she did in the past, hiding her phone, being secretive, noticing tons of the same number on her phone. keeping me away (she's totally cool with me knowing him and the boundaries we've set up)

And since a few weeks ago when I really did confront her on the frequency and speed at which they communicate and interact, it's really been toned down, she doesn't talk about him unless it's about class. She's with me every night and if he does IM her, she TELLS ME. 

AND, she acknowledges that i'm not crazy and can "totally see where you're coming from and how it can look when you put it the way you have, maybe I've been starved for friendship and wasn't being aware how it could look being excited about socializing again"

*I actually was in a situation where a great female friend of mines BF asked me if I was sleeping with his GF (because we were great friends), and I wasn't sleeping with her, it really was genuine platonic friendship, but he felt threatened, and I told him thats not happening. 

So even though some signs of being in the "danger zone" have been there, they've toned down, my friend said there's not much you can do if she's been made aware, just watch for a change.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

She is asking permission to check this other dude out. You are giving it. This is what i see. 

Also in the start of your relationship where you say she cheated on you... That kind fuzzy. Because i'm pretty sure that if we hear the other side, you will be painted as the other guy she cheated with. 

She has an history of two timing and you are reaching the 5 year mark. If you don't know what that is, it's when biologically women re-evaluate the fitness of their partner and compare it to other suitors. This has deep biological roots and is related to the time it took to stop breastfeeding an infant. 

Also, women who can't relate with other women often have serious personality flaws. You may want to look into that.


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

"She wants permission to IM men and go out and get crazy with them."


She didn't want permission to IM "MEN"...she does IM men, she IMs right in front of me with her ex husband (who I know, and who's not a threat at all), she IMs with men from high school some times to, and she IMs with male work colleagues. And I have no problem with any of this, I mean I got an email from a female friend at 2 am last week, and I told my wife, she laughed, she knows the friend.

She asked me while we were IMing each other at work, when he IM'd her, if it was ok to respond, that she didn't want to unless I was ok....(I mean, she didn't have to say jack, she could have IM'd him and I wouldn't have known, she didn't have to ask me, how would I have known?) But she DID tell me when he did and didn't hide it and asked me. I said it's fine I suppose, as long as it's not all the time.

It's really him IMing HER. And my wife with her 'i have a hard time coming across as mean or rejecting' feels bad not responding. *thats not just a male thing, she's like that with women too, even women she's got no interest being friends with, she'll be nice to them so they don't feel bad. 


".....and go out and get crazy with them."


She's not in the slightest asking to go out with men and go crazy with them, she doesn't want to go out and party without me, and would not go out with a man without me. She wants to be more social with ME.


My wife has no friends......she has one female friend she rarely sees but does talk to. My wife KNOWS she needs FEMALE friends, and she wants them, she's having a tough time learning how to make friends with other women.

**For instance, the other FEMALE Trainer and her have exchanged numbers, my wife asked her if she wanted to get their nails done together....and she said yes. And my wife says that she feels like a loser, like she comes across as desperate for friendship. I said you're not a loser or desperate for pursuing a friendship with a new girl, she gave you her number, she's friended you on FB, she's liked tons of your pics. She feels insecure having to put work into making friends with women. With men she gets all the attention, they do all the talking. She knows that needs to change because she said she wants to respect herself more.


So things have been better because we've been going out and being social, we're working on us, and being aware of landmines. Do no relationships ever repair?


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

Hall33 said:


> She's been very VERY understanding, she's been very much looking at me and saying I want you to know you have nothing to worry about, I love YOU, and he is not competition for you


Things start innocently enough and then blossom, even with the best intentions. Take away the chance for something to happen and then nothing will happen.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Read "Not Just Friends" lots and lots of good insight on where things can go if good boundaries are not in place....

it's all about boundaries, what are yours.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So...you've taken everything off the table here.

You aren't going to do anything. You won't make her quit her class. You won't tell her that it is inappropriate for her to continue to SEE this man...in hot workout equipment...in private...together. You won't tell her to stop IMing each other. (Have you checked the IM logs to see if it's ONLY him IMing HER?)

So...a pushy little steroid junky personal trainer. And you shouldn't feel threatened...because he's short. Well, he can climb up her.

You are going around and around saying you AREN'T INSECURE...and yet you are HERE.

Let me tell you something. I was in a 3 year relationship on IM and EMAIL. It was also totally above board. My wife and her husband knew about it. And at the end of three years, I was so emotionally disconnected with my wife I was ready to divorce her.

Does this sound familiar? I never MET the woman. Not that I was going to sleep with her. She was my best friend EVER. But she grew into my life and that grew my wife out.

Get your head out of your ass and pretty damn quick. She can work out. She can have friends. She needs to dump THIS friend. He wouldn't even meet you? And you are STILL asking questions?

Next time he IMs, take her phone and IM back. "Wow. You really text my WIFE a lot. You're pretty effing needy. How about you find a GIRLFRIEND to spend this energy one. A SINGLE woman."


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

"You aren't going to do anything."

I am doing something, I've been talking openly with my wife about the situation so she knows how I feel.

"You won't make her quit her class."

I'm not her father, I can't make her do anything, and thats not the marriage i want, I want her to take appropriate steps based on us being open with each other.

"You won't tell her that it is inappropriate for her to continue to SEE this man...in hot workout equipment...in private...together."

It's not in private for petesake, that would never fly with me. It's a class of 16 people, men and women, it's a group. She goes there, she's done, and she's home ten minutes after, and i've even picked her up as a surprise and she was not freaked but happy to see me.

I don't remember saying I'm not insecure, of course thats there a bit.

My wife and I aren't going trough tough times, or not emotionally connected, or not having sex, or any of that. We are totally connected right now, emotionally and physically, we've gone out on dates and we hang together and hit the gym together and there's no disconnect. I'm just trying to manage how to handle this situation best, without going all crazy overboard making it worse. 

She is not giving me signs that there's something shady going on, at all, in fact the opposite, she's been making me feel like she's being open and honest


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Giving your W the benefit of the doubt...

Explain to your W that this man’s primary goal is to get her in bed and that he is most likely playing the “long con” to get it (being friends at first to wear her down). My W fell for this and even though I had warned her about men before, she was in denial that guys thought this way and fell into a trap from her own naivety.

So the recap, he’s only nice to her because he’s hoping to get lucky and your W needs to understand that. Unless he’s gay, no man really wants a woman as such a good “friend”. Any man is a potential AP, young, old, short, fat, married, hell even related in some cases. She always needs to have her guard up with him because he is pursuing her whether she realizes it or not.

ETA: Make it known to her that if he becomes more than "just a friend" then to go ahead and bring home the D papers because you will kick her to the curb and take her to the cleaners. Don't give her the impression you will waste one extra minute with her if she crosses the line into an A.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are not defending your marriage.

Your own wife is pointing out that you need to defend the marriage from others and you are refusing to go there.

You aren't her father but you are her husband, and as such you need to recognize threats and avoid them.

Trainer guys who ask married women to go out to bars are looking to get said married women in bed. 

The time and attention he puts into her is a guy chasing sex.

I hope you have the sense to go along on any of the social nights out with this crowd. Your place is beside your wife, and married women who go out drinking without their husbands are opening themselves up for players like this trainer dude.

So stop being a sensitive open trusting guy and listen to what your wife has been trying to covey to you.

1. It isn't appropriate for a married woman to be building friendships with guys, especially single guys.
2. Your wife would like you to step up your defense of her and make her feel valued and wanted.
3. This guy is a threat.

You should really read both Not Just Friends but also Married Mans Sex Life by Kay Athol. You are making some huge mistakes and if not corrected they will bite you hard.


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

**UPDATE**

I wanted to share this update.

My wife was talking to me and said that. "listen, i just wanted to say...i love you, and i really want you to stop worrying...ok?
i don't want you to feel this way...i don't want to hurt you.

I'm not going to say I don't like the attention, but I think I've realized that thats not a healthy place to gain attention, and it's not appropriate for me to feel comfortable with that attention, and it's something I need to work on within myself, and even though there is zero flirting and it's just platonic conversation, I've been giving him and you the wrong impression by being conversationally available to him through IM and such.

He's immature, and I think he thinks that because I'm married and talk about you, and he's got no intention of hitting on me, that its ok for him to hit me up on IM everyday and pursue a close friendship that way, but please believe me, it's *really* one-sided.

And he just IM'd me now while I'm at work, and he does seem to consider how this might be effecting me, or my husband, or any of that, he honestly seems really self centered, I mean I'm married and have a son, and I talk about you all the time.

I have no interest in someone like that, esp when I have someone like you who's so not like that and are aware of himself. And him really not giving it any thought about how it might effect me contacting me all the time, that it might be making me uncomfortable.

Which is why I'm saying YOU do NOT have to worry, it doesn't matter what he does because I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HIM. And I think I just need to nip this in the bud, and not be available, I'm going to turn off my chat, and I'm going to stop going to his class for a bit, and just not be around or available to him.

He's not behaving in appropriately but the fact that he has no awareness, and how you're feeling are good signs I need to pay attention to....so I'm done, ok? He's harmless, i'm sure of it, but I don't want to get caught up in the attention, and I don't want to be an idiot.

It's become obvious he just wants attention from em, he IMs me while he's bored at work, like what do you want dude, I'm not going to entertain you, and if "being friends with the hot chick" is giving you an ego boost (which I kinda am feeling is what it is) thats not ok. So, I will not be talking to him anymore, and I'm going to stop going to his class. 

So please know I love YOU and it's one-sided on his part, and I'm going to stop responding.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

what prompted it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife gets it.

Her gut is warning her that this guy has more interest in her buddies.

To say that he hasn't done anything inappropriate yet is wrong however. He has begun escalating the contact with your wife, the next steps in the game would be validation of her, opening up to her about his own problems, seeking info on her problems, and trying to isolate her.

Don't undermine her. She is trying to do the right thing, help her, support her. Tell her you think she's doing the right thing and that this guy was pushing too hard,


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Giving your W the benefit of the doubt...
> (which is what I have been doing)
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks, this is exactly how I've been approaching it, I know my wife, and I know when she's bulls$%ting me, I do not get that feeling here.

My wife is really naive about Men and Women, esp men, when it's not OBVIOUS then she can't see it as a getting hit on.

I said to her, honey, I have NEVER used a line or overtly hit on a woman, almost as if just talking to the woman is my only interest.

I see guy checking her out all the time, and she's OBLIVIOUS to it, unless it's overt or obvious. She can't see the "Nice guy" as someone who's hitting on her, or as you say playing the long con, in hopes to develop a relationship that "could be" at some point.

I told her almost exactly what you said, "Babe, some guys just like to get into position and work on a girls insecurities and wear you down" and suddenly you're feeling something, and he's like "it just happened".

To me it's blatantly effing obvious. To her, she doesn't see it. But after I opened her eyes to the signs and gave her some cues....today she's like whoa, I think I'm making myself way too available for this dude, even though he's not "hitting on me", he seems to not give chatting a married woman up anytime as crossing a line.


I have been giving her the benefit of the doubt, and it seems she's woken up a bit


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

Cdelta02 said:


> what prompted it?



He IM'd her while she was at work, I guess just yacking at her, and she just said she had this kind of realization, that he's got no awareness, that A. I'm married and B. I'm at work.

And she said, in that moment even though she doens't think he has shady intentions, she felt what I was seeing that this is a little inappropriate. I'm a people person, I know people, and I have been saying to her, just look out for X,Y,Z. And I think those things popped up and she's like, ok, my husbands perspective is starting to become mine.

She knows she's got insecurities and can get caught with getting attention from people, and doesn't want that to rule her behavior.

My wifes a person that in the last 4 yrs has been coming to grips with some of her personality that she wants to change, that kind of awareness is what I'm looking for in her.


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Your wife gets it.
> 
> Her gut is warning her that this guy has more interest in her buddies.
> 
> ...



Yes, she's finally seeing some of what I've been seeing and is pulling out of being caught in the "new friend" attention and social interaction she's been craving. 

She totally gets it, and I'm trying to back her own feelings up, just saying, I know you can see it, you want to be nice and not "see something negative in someone" but it doesn't have to be negative, you're seeing general male human nature. 

You are giving him signs that you are available to him to escalate the friendship to daily contact. I've checked her stuff, 95% of the time he's initiating contact.

I said to her, lets say he genuinely doesn't have shady intentions, and he just thinks you're cool.....still the fact that he's not thinking about, hey, this is a married woman with a 3yr old and a husband that comes in here....then thats another reason it's just bad news.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Well, it's good that at least your wife is willing to fight for your marriage and has a sense of boundaries.

Your little subtle 'mind zorch' could very well have backfired BADLY. You approach her with the 'oh look at that'. She gets a bit miffed. You see she isn't listening, so you step it up a bit. She gets defensive, which lets him into her 'protection zone' (note that simultaneously bumps you OUT of her 'protection zone')

After that, it's all over but the crying.

I am not terribly impressed with the way you handled this. It could have ended very badly and she probably shouldn't go back to his class.

Because I see you stopping by, one day unexpected, to pick up your wife and find out that 'oops, she just stepped out with Cad to get some smoothies. No, I'm not sure which store it is." 

The feeling in the pit of your stomach is best avoided.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

I don't think that simply because someone is married, they should never ever, for the rest of their lives have a friend of the opposite sex. That is ridiculous and shows a great insecurity on your part. I was in the military, there was about 1 female per 10 males where I worked, and I would never stop talking to the males because I am married. It makes about as much sense as never looking in the direction of someone of the opposite sex, just because you are married. It's impossible, and you are interfering with someone's social life. Like a parent that tells you who can and can't be friends with.

As for your story, it seems you joined the gym, for I don't know what, check the scene out..and see who her friends were? People are attracted to people whether they are married or not. Why don't you go back to the gym with her? What are you doing in her life to make her talk about you instead of the OM every day? I can't count the amount of times I would invite my husband to do little things, and he never wanted to participate, well guess what, there are other people out there who share similar interests as your spouse. 
You say there was an infidelity...but that doesn't mean she is never to speak to another man again. In addition, what does it matter that the guy is 5'5"?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> I don't think that simply because someone is married, they should never ever, for the rest of their lives have a friend of the opposite sex. That is ridiculous and shows a great insecurity on your part. I was in the military, there was about 1 female per 10 males where I worked, and I would never stop talking to the males because I am married. It makes about as much sense as never looking in the direction of someone of the opposite sex, just because you are married. It's impossible, and you are interfering with someone's social life. Like a parent that tells you who can and can't be friends with.


Here is the deal. First, your situation is an outlier, not the norm. You choose (I assume with your husband's agreement) to go into a male dominated field. BTW, what exactly is the infidelity rate in the military again? Hmm...Not suggesting YOU would. But lonely housewives and co-workers around tons of single men and moral midgets have a tendency to stray.

Second, it isn't 'having friends'. It is the personal mind space that the man is attempting to lay on this MARRIED woman.

He wants to take her out to drink...alone.

He is constantly texting her about 'stupid stuff'. I.e. forming a relationship which is NOT work-out related. He is trying to carve out mental space for HIM in her head.

He is making the husband insecure. She has made him cognizant of this fact AND HE IS STILL PURSUING HER.

He isn't interested in MEETING the husband. That makes him a real human being that he is trying to screw over. So his motives are triply suspect.

So she can have male FRIENDS with the proper boundaries.

This man is not following the proper protocols to allow that to happen with propriety and respect.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

If you read threads here you'll see that's how affairs start : "honey, there's nothing to worry about. I love only you. He's just a friend..."
It's a *typical* line during the first stages of an emotional affair.

After all, if this guy is not that important to her then she should simply let him go and not follow his classes anymore. She should learn to live without him and go out and seek for female friends and LEARN how to make female friends. 

She should have stopped the moment you felt uncomfortable or when you raised your first doubts. It doesn't matter if he's just a friend. She should have been more respectful towards your feelings. 

On the other hand, I don't think she's all that naive, especially after having moments/history of infidelity. She's not a 5 year old girl so her naivete is not justified and certainly not supported.

She might be saying the right words but she should show you by actions. 
If it's really one-sided then excuses like "I don't want to be rude by not answering him back" should be OVER!

You know what insecurity is? It's when *you are afraid *to *fight for your marriage/relationship* and when you are afraid to confront the other man/your wife and warn them/take steps to STOP contact between them by letting them know that you won't tolerate this!

Up until now you've shown weakness, not by being jealous, but by not taking the right steps to stop all this mess.

ETA: Speaking of her "naivete". If she really was THAT naive she wouldn't have asked you if it's okay to have guy friends, in the first place. 
Deep down inside *she knew she could be crossing the line with him*. But she just wanted to see if you were okay with it so that she could have her conscious okay and see how far you'd let her go.
I am a woman myself and I know, us women are not THAT naive..


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> I don't think that simply because someone is married, they should never ever, for the rest of their lives have a friend of the opposite sex. "
> 
> *I agree, and i don't think I said she couldn't, she's got friends of the opposite sex, and they are *also* my friends too. there are good candidates for opposite sex friendships, and there are bad ones. That goes for both of us, so the woman that flirts with me at work, would not be a good opposite sex friendship for me. Fair?
> 
> ...


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> If you read threads here you'll see that's how affairs start : "honey, there's nothing to worry about. I love only you. He's just a friend..."
> It's a *typical* line during the first stages of an emotional affair.
> 
> *And I get that, but that doesn't mean every time a person says it in a relationship, that they are lying or in danger. I have actually said this very thing to a few past girlfriends, and it was true. I have always been able to have strictly platonic female friends, and some past GF's have been jealous, and I've told them it's just friendship.
> ...


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