# When they come back does it ever work?



## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

I had a previous thread about my situation. I'll quickly recap what happened without going into major details.

My wife (6 years together, 1 year married) left me for her ex who she was with before me. This was about 2 months ago. We have signed all the D paperwork. I've paid her the money I owed her for maritial equity, and all that was left to be done to complete the D was for the judge to sign the paperwork. I'm ready to officially be done with her now after what she did to me.

In the 11th hour before the D (4 days ago) is to be final she emails me with a scanned handwritten letter. The email says the D is on hold, she took the paperwork from the judge before he signed it. She said if I want her to give it back to him she will do so but she wanted to get her feelings and wants out to me first. She works for the attorney who prepared the D paperwork which is how she was able to pull back the paperwork before it was signed.


So the handwritten letter more or less says she loves me, she's sorry for what she has done, etc... My question is this, is taking her back and giving "us" another chance a smart move? Do people change after an A? The last thing I want to happen is to give her another chance to have her do this to me again. 


Taking her back would be hard on other levels besides my own emotions too. These levels actually worry me more than my own emotions. My family hates her right now for what she did. My friends do as well. Her coming back would mean she would have a heck of a lot more relationships to mend besides ours. Some of the family/friend relationships may never be able to be worked out with her and them. Also my friends and family would be disappointed in me if I ever took her back. 


So with all of that being said, advice is needed and appreciated in this situation. Thank you to everyone!


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Abra,

Thank you for the response. I agree, the grass isn't always greener and she realizes this. I love this woman, and probably always will at least on some level love her. I would like nothing more than to have things work out between us. I have a lot of thoughts roaming my mind right now. I'm going to make a decision in the next couple days concerning the D and where I go from here.


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## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

I'd carry on with the D personally. It shows her you mean business.

More importantly however, I find it unlikely that if she really does love you, the divorce will make her suddenly fall out of love. If she was brave enough to stop the paperwork, she will be brave enough to approach you after the D is finished, wanting the same thing, if not more so. And as abra says, it will give the two of you more time without feeling that a dealine must be met, perhaps having the weight of a legal document joining you together lifted, could do something for the reconciliation. 
Best of luck mate, 

Chris.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks for the response Chris22. Certainly this is a complicated time for me in my life. I just wish I could see the future and know what the right move is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It can work but ONLY if she has completely cut off contact with the ex (completely and forever) and if BOTH of you are committed to working on the relationship. It takes two.


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## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

Yeah man, that's just what I would do. Relationships are hard when they break down, and thinking of my own situation, I wish my wife wanted me back. I'm sure whatever choice you make will be the right one as long as you think it through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It can work but ONLY if she has completely cut off contact with the ex (completely and forever) and if BOTH of you are committed to working on the relationship. It takes two.


I second Jellybeans and would like to add that before you possibly R with her that she should prove to you consistently for a _very_ extended period of time that she has changed and that you and your relationship together are her top priority.

Good luck.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the input. I'm leaning strongly towards giving R a chance. Why not? Well it could set me back in my healing if it doesn't work...I realize that. Also family/friends would be upset, but this is my life and my choice. I committed to work through things for better or for worse. I'm willing to give R a chance.


Now my thoughts are this. In order for R to work she is going to (IMO it goes without saying) cut off ties to the OM forever. She is going to have to attend MC with me and perhaps IC as well. I want her to apologize to my friends/family as well without me having to ask her to do this. I don't know if she would do that or not...but I think it's the right thing to do. If she doesn't seem to lean towards this I may ask her to do so. What's everyone's thoughts on this?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

BC3 said:


> Thanks everyone for the input. I'm leaning strongly towards giving R a chance. Why not? Well it could set me back in my healing if it doesn't work...I realize that. Also family/friends would be upset, but this is my life and my choice. I committed to work through things for better or for worse. I'm willing to give R a chance.
> 
> 
> Now my thoughts are this. In order for R to work she is going to (IMO it goes without saying) cut off ties to the OM forever. She is going to have to attend MC with me and perhaps IC as well. I want her to apologize to my friends/family as well without me having to ask her to do this. I don't know if she would do that or not...but I think it's the right thing to do. If she doesn't seem to lean towards this I may ask her to do so. What's everyone's thoughts on this?



You should also have her draw up a non contact letter that you will read and approve and mail not her. along with everything else to answer your question who knows it can go either way It just depends on her willingness to do the heavy lifting as this was her deal not yours. You can always put the D on hold for the time being and proceed slowly also is this truly what you want ?? I believe in giving folks second chances however fool me once its on you fool me twice its me If she is truly sorry and wants to work on the M then try it out if you cant handle it then proceed with the d 

Good Luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BC3 said:


> Now my thoughts are this. In order for R to work she is going to (IMO it goes without saying) cut off ties to the OM forever. She is going to have to attend MC with me and perhaps IC as well.


These are good. But she should have ended contact with him already. If not, she needs to do it STAT. Don't even consider reconciliation unless she has completey cut off all c ontact with him. Let her know that. MC and IC are good. Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" - The 5 Love Languages - and Love Must Be Tough.

You tell her "_Wife I am receptive to restoring our marriage, but only if you have ended all contact with OM and are equally as committed to the marriage as I am. I iwll not entertain reconciliation at all if you are still in touch with him. A marriage only works when two people are in it."_

See what she says. If she bites, then tell her you want proof/to know she ended all contact and then tell her you want to do MC/IC and those books, etc.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks In The Wind and Jellybeans. Very good points and I agree with both of you. I'm going to have a face to face with her soon.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Post nup. Iron clad and approved by your lawyer. She gets nothing in a future divorce. No spousal support, no house, no part of your retirement, nothing. If there are kids you get at least 50% physical custody, more if you want it.

But to be honest I would just walk away from her at this point. She has shown what she is capable of, and there will always be the specter of her straying again some day.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

BC3 - Do you all have children? If so then, you may want to consider. If not, the ball is in you court, i agree with Aba you may want to go through with the D. This will serve 2 purposes

1. She will see that she has lost you and will begin to pursue you. Remember there are 2 divorces going on here, the emotional and the written word. You can always re-marry you STBX.

2. This shows here how independent and happy you are w/o her. This will drive her crazy. Women are typically better at this than men. It will make her curious as all heck. 

The more you show how happy and confident you are the more it will attract her to you. She thought the grass was greener, now she realizes that she should have water the grass in her yard (you) before neglecting it and eventually leaving. Give her little hints that you are still interested but you are on the fence. 

Good luck.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

There are no children involved luckily...that would make things a lot tougher. I sent her this email a moment ago...I'm awaiting her response. 

I am ready to talk when you are ready. I have a wide open schedule and can arrange to meet you whenever and wherever is convenient for you. I think it goes without saying that things must end once and for all with your ex to begin to make things work out. Just let me know when you are ready.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Thats good, just dont be to eager, this may backfire and she will feel that she always has you on the back burner. You may want to make feel that you are unsure. If you do talk to her or meet her make it short, keep it light, and try to avoid talking about the past for now. 

Show her how good you feel and how happy you are. I know its tuff, but you have to do this. She will respect you for doing so.


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

do the 180, give her space, don't contact her anymore unless its for finances/businesslike 

in 2 days i will have been no contact for 1 week, each day seems easier, when i see her, it feels like a step backwards, i'm letting her make her decisions on her own, i gave her half the money in our joint bank account, and we each opened our own, i took all of her stuff out of my house, changed my ringtones, and made the bedroom 'my own' 

these small steps have helped me put her behind me, because that's what she wanted, who am i to try to control anything she does, my wife at the very least is having an EA. we were together 10 years, married for 6

i don't have have any children so my situation is less complicated than many others around here, the first week(s) were the hardest for me, slowly i am building my life back, for me....

one of my greatest fears (fantasys?) is her running back to me saying how bad she messed up, blah blah blah, i don't think i can take her back this time, i don't think i can forgive her for what she has put me, and my family through, our marriage wasn't perfect, i have my faults, no cheating/abuse coming from my end, i always tried to give her whatever she wanted, new iphones, watches, material stuff... 

this has been very hard, but these forums help, take care my friend, hope everything works out for you for the best 

next time if you do happen to talk to her, even though it will be hard, keep calm, stay above 50,000 ft, look at the situation below, wish her the best and tell her you hope everything works out for her, and then go silent, don't reply to her messages, don't send emails, don't call, nothing, she left you behind, now its time to return the favor and focus on you, just like she is doing for herself, one day she will wake up, and realize how bad she ****ed up


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't be so available to her. Your email is weak and desperate in appearance, rather than helpful or gracious as you might have wanted it to be.

I think my attitude would be along the lines of, "Hey I like the idea of being with you, and I do care about you. But your actions have been very destructive to our marriage and I am not sure I wouldn't be a lot happier just putting all of this behind me. It would be easier and less risky to just finalize the paperwork. Convince me why it is worth my effort to gamble on you again."


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

Thor said:


> Don't be so available to her. Your email is weak and desperate in appearance, rather than helpful or gracious as you might have wanted it to be.
> 
> I think my attitude would be along the lines of, "Hey I like the idea of being with you, and I do care about you. But your actions have been very destructive to our marriage and I am not sure I wouldn't be a lot happier just putting all of this behind me. It would be easier and less risky to just finalize the paperwork. Convince me why it is worth my effort to gamble on you again."


awesome, i may end up using that one day, im still sticking with nocontact tho, i need to show her a life without me, and that won't happen if im trying to contact her often


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I had my H back after seperation. But he had already ended it with the OW.
Has she ended it? Maybe he ended it? Would that make a difference to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> Thats good, just dont be to eager, this may backfire and she will feel that she always has you on the back burner. You may want to make feel that you are unsure. If you do talk to her or meet her make it short, keep it light, and try to avoid talking about the past for now.
> 
> Show her how good you feel and how happy you are. I know its tuff, but you have to do this. She will respect you for doing so.


Say you are willing to listen to her but you have not made your mind up one way or the other and nc is a must!Don't give her an answer right away you will think about it.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks all for the advice. I have had NC with her and have been seeing a co worker of mine for 3 weeks. It wasn't until she knew I was with someone else that she decided she still wanted to try to make things work. I should have mentioned that at the beginning of this thread. I know she knows that I've been at least casually dating a co worker of mine because her mom works with me (I know I know..it can't get too much weirder can it). 

So I believe the girl I've casually been seeing may have triggered my my wife wanting to come back to me. I didn't mean for this to happen, this co worker of mine approached me and we've simply been spending time together (no sex but some making out).


Anyhow I have not contacted her at all for over a month other than for legal matters which I was right to the point. She contacted me and wrote me a letter spilling her feelings out to me. I have put a lot of thought into this and keep flip flopping whether or not I even want to make it work at this point. She's really burned so many bridges with my family and friends that it would be very tough. I would love more than anything to make things work with her, however I have to look at the price of trying and figure out if it's really worth it. Again thanks all of the advice.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You've had enough tough stuff, why sign up for more if you don't have kids to feel guilty about? I vote for go for the fresh start, wish I could have!


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

cheaters lie...what has changed?? So now you believe everything in her email? Go ahead and divorce, and if you two agree...nothing to stop dating afterwards. Gives her a chance to win you back, and you a chance to evaluate her honesty. Otherwise she is back in the drivers seat.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I had my H back after seperation. But he had already ended it with the OW.
> Has she ended it? Maybe he ended it? Would that make a difference to you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My thoughts exactly.

OM has either dumped her or is in some other way being an arse.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks again everyone. I agree. Sometimes it takes other ppl "knocking sense" into you to see what is the right move. I'm over the hump in the healing process...why put it in reverse. Thanks again.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Thor said:


> Don't be so available to her. Your email is weak and desperate in appearance, rather than helpful or gracious as you might have wanted it to be.
> 
> I think my attitude would be along the lines of, "Hey I like the idea of being with you, and I do care about you. But your actions have been very destructive to our marriage and I am not sure I wouldn't be a lot happier just putting all of this behind me. It would be easier and less risky to just finalize the paperwork. Convince me why it is worth my effort to gamble on you again."


I agree. Slow it done man. Do not seem so eager to meet her. Remember, she did this to you. Make her make herself available at YOUR convenience. Do not seem like you are sitting around waiting for her.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Thor said:


> Post nup. Iron clad and approved by your lawyer. She gets nothing in a future divorce. No spousal support, no house, no part of your retirement, nothing. If there are kids you get at least 50% physical custody, more if you want it.
> 
> But to be honest I would just walk away from her at this point. She has shown what she is capable of, and there will always be the specter of her straying again some day.


Do this through a different attorney seeing how she works for yours and was able to pull the D without you knowing.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

BC3, 

There is no right or wrong here except that you make an honest decision for yourself.

There are lots of votes here to continue on with the Divorce and see what happens, but you should remember that in the grand scheme of things that it isn't that expensive to stop the divorce cold and refile again if it doesn't work out. 

Whether "it works" or not depends on you getting YOUR act together and working yourself out. When you do; you'll know your answer. At that point you will make the right decision.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

I've made my decision. I have put this situation out there and gone 50,000 feet up and looked down on it from outside the box. She left me for her ex. She has been (I'm certain) been sleeping with him. She has caused me the worst pain I've endured. My family could never look at her the same again. My friends wouldn't want to be within 50 feet of her, which would mean I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with the ppl who have helped me throughout this ordeal. That's the minus side, the plus side is I could get back with her and live happily ever after...seeing what is on the minus side of the scale I know what the right decision is. I'm meeting her tomorrow night, I'll post what happens and how this goes.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Why do you believe that the plus side is you will be happy ever after once you get back with her? She is a cheater and will cheat again. What have you done so far to hold her feet to the fire? Has she had to suffer consequences for her actions? Your separation and D would have been a consequence, perhaps a final one, but looks like that has not had an impact.

Ask her why you should take her back. Ask her how she will prove to you that she wont stray again. Ask her why she deserves you.

And when that is done, ask her why the OM dumped her? Or vice versa. If she found that grass wasnt greener you should know why. What was she looking for? What if she selects better the next time, convinces herself that future OM #2 is indeed with green grass and that she wants to lay on the lawn?

Given how far you have come, I would suggest go through with the D. Then let her woo you back if she really is serious. In the meantime, you get to clear your head.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Cdelta02,

In my last post I didn't mean to say on the plus side of the scale we would live happily ever after, I meant that there is that chance...not for certain that would happen of course. She told me in an email they are together and he treats her like a queen. As he gets closer to her she keeps thinking of me and missing me. 


I will ask a lot of questions but I'm 99.999% sure the D will proceed. I'm in the drivers seat at this point, she wants me back...I haven't said to her I will take her back. When I get to work I'll post the email I sent her and the one she sent me. Thanks agian everyone.


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## Highway run (Oct 22, 2012)

I would like to offer a different perspective on this. All I read is everyone telling you "No". In a way I am going through this dilemma myself or possibly could be in the future if it makes it to that point. So I will play Devil's Advocate. OP, you have not said what you may have done to cause a breakdown. Could you tell us please? It is very hard to make a statement on someone's marriage and life if all the details are unknown. Not one person can take all the responsibility. This is your life. You make the choices you want, not what people tell you. They don't come home at the end of the work day and live your life, you do. It sounds as if you depend too much on other peoples acceptance and opinions. What do YOU want? What does your heart tell you? This life is only offered to us once to live.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Highway,

I was emotionally unattached with her. We had become more roommates than lovers. I allowed myself to get into a day to day routine which part of that routine wasn't paying the level of attention to her I should have. I took her for granted. This is what I did wrong.

I really have my mind made up already. I am not taking her back. I have a shred of doubt however that I may not be making the right decision. I like to hear what others have to say who may have already been through a similar situation. I really ultimately make decisions for myself but I like to "feel better" about the decision I'm making or have made. I appreciate your input.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I never question the judgement of people whose spouses have been unfaithful.

We all react to that differently.

I can tell you that I would take her back IF I saw true remorse and all other systems were "go", I think I could deal with it.

Given that we're separated right now and have had hundreds of hearts to hearts - along with many many episodes of two steps forward, one step backward, I think infidelity would be almost impossible to overcome at this point.

It truly depends on the person.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well I went over to my ex's apt for the first time. She thought this was going to be a talk to work things out. It wasn't. I let her know that I've put a lot of thought into what has happened between us and I believe the best move at this point is to go our seperate ways. 

This was very hard for me to say but I do know it was the right move. She begged me to stay, she said not to let outside influences determine what my decision is. I told her outside influences are not at all responsible for my decision. I feel a weight has been lifted...I didn't think this would ever be happening but it has and I now feel good.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

BC3 said:


> Well I went over to my ex's apt for the first time. She thought this was going to be a talk to work things out. It wasn't. I let her know that I've put a lot of thought into what has happened between us and I believe the best move at this point is to go our seperate ways.
> 
> This was very hard for me to say but I do know it was the right move. She begged me to stay, she said not to let outside influences determine what my decision is. I told her outside influences are not at all responsible for my decision. I feel a weight has been lifted...I didn't think this would ever be happening but it has and I now feel good.


Wow. That is sad and wonderful at the same time.

I'm glad you feel good and I hope things only go up for you at this point.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

I feel good and sad at the same time. I'm glad it's over but it's very very sad to me too. She was my best friend. It's similar to the feeling you have when a loved one dies.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

BC3 said:


> I feel good and sad at the same time. I'm glad it's over but it's very very sad to me too. She was my best friend. It's similar to the feeling you have when a loved one dies.


I know exactly how you feel.


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## Highway run (Oct 22, 2012)

Good for you OP. Though I feel from reading your posts counseling and dedication could have saved your marriage. I do not see the problems your marriage had as problems to end a marriage over. Your age is a big factor. Being so young you could work through these issues and one day they wouldn't even be a memory. I too have been in your shoes. Good luck to you and Godspeed.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thank you so much Highway. Well I agree it's something that perhaps could have worked. I feel however that chance was slim and didn't want to back track on the healing process. I've signed the paperwork on the D she asked for and have paid her the money the court said I owed her for marital equity in our house. Legally a judge now just needs to sign the paperwork. 

Her things are moved out, she's living with the OM (she has an apt but spends most nights with him), and the damage she has done is borderline not repairable. Looking at the trying to make it work vs moving on, I came to the conclusion that at this stage moving on was the right move. I did tell her last night that couples divorce, and get back together and remarry if it's meant to be. 


We both know 2 couples who did this. I told her I thought this was unlikely for us but if we are meant to be we would find our way back to each other when the time is right. Thank you to everyone on here, you all have helped me during these dark days I've endured.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

Good for you...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Highway run said:


> I would like to offer a different perspective on this. All I read is everyone telling you "No". In a way I am going through this dilemma myself or possibly could be in the future if it makes it to that point. So I will play Devil's Advocate. *OP, you have not said what you may have done to cause a breakdown. *Could you tell us please? It is very hard to make a statement on someone's marriage and life if all the details are unknown. Not one person can take all the responsibility. This is your life. You make the choices you want, not what people tell you. They don't come home at the end of the work day and live your life, you do. It sounds as if you depend too much on other peoples acceptance and opinions. What do YOU want? What does your heart tell you? This life is only offered to us once to live.


BC3 contributed to the problems within the marriage, but he wasn't the reason for the XW to jump into the sack with her old BF. That is 100% her fault. So, his wife didn't like how things were going in her 1 year marriage, so she elected to cheat on him. That has nothing to do with BC3 being emotionally distant - that's a woman who saw some difficulty in her marriage and bailed out immediately when things got a little tough. I just couldn't let go without a comment, because I think it's wrong.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Here's an update. I'm doing and feeling great. The tables have turns drastically. She is texting me non stop, begging and pleading for me to give her a second chance. WOW. I do not want to. I told her my mind is made up. She cheated on me, and I have turned a corner and will not take her back. She is (I think to make her guilt less of a burden on her) telling me know that "this is your decision, you can live with the guilt that YOU didn't want to make us work." 

I explained to her via text back that I did want to make it work, she was living with the OM, she was happy, I decided to move on and once I did and she saw that it hit her like a ton of bricks she made a bad choice. So is it at this moment my decision not to give us a second chance? Yes it is, however only after her poor decisions led me to this choice.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I wonder what she had to say to that reply.

Good for you, by the way.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well to that reply she admitted fault. She said she made a bad choice...I was impressed to hear her admit fault, that's something she never did while we were together.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Progress, but I bet she will still blame you for the divorce, you know?


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

I agree. Knowing how she is she doesn't want to feel guilty about this happening. This is so tough for me not to cave in and give it a try...her actions however keep going through my mind and that's what keeps me from caving in.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BC3 said:


> Here's an update. I'm doing and feeling great. The tables have turns drastically. She is texting me non stop, begging and pleading for me to give her a second chance. WOW. I do not want to. I told her my mind is made up. She cheated on me, and I have turned a corner and will not take her back. She is (I think to make her guilt less of a burden on her) telling me know that "this is your decision, you can live with the guilt that YOU didn't want to make us work."
> 
> I explained to her via text back that I did want to make it work, she was living with the OM, she was happy, I decided to move on and once I did and she saw that it hit her like a ton of bricks she made a bad choice. So is it at this moment my decision not to give us a second chance? Yes it is, however only after her poor decisions led me to this choice.


You both are blameshifting.

What is it YOU really want?


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well the divorce is now final. I received a copy of the decree. I'm very sad, I feel like I should have tried rather than moving forward with the divorce. I feel that other people around me did push me towards the divorce and I let them influence my decision. If it's meant to be it will work out in the future I suppose. I went a month without crying and haven't been able to stop crying the past day and a half.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Of course you are sad...just because you felt it was best to move on, doesn't mean you still wont be sad about it, or even cry. 

An important chapter of your life officially ended...but just because your sad doesn't necessarily mean you made the wrong decision.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks abandonmentissues. You are right. It's lonely at home alone but things will get better. The chapter in my life is now over and I'm on the first page of the next one.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

keep your head up BC3. You made the decision for you. Even if friends and family said one thing, you seem intelligent enough only to let that factor in a bit. In their defense, while they don't live your life, they do want what's best for you. I think you made the right one. My STBXW (I finally worked up the nerve to file a week ago) cheated on me with her ex 2 months after our wedding and continued for a couple months. I think any cheating is hard enough to forgive, but cheating in the first couple of years of a marriage is no way to build a foundation off of for the future. I'm 30, so our stories are pretty close. Stay strong, I've followed a very similar path to you. Cried for hours after I filed and I'm sure it won't be the last time I will. Good luck, do you, make yourself better...you'll meet the right girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

You are stronger than me when it comes to still living in the marital home. I could never do it. Too many memories - good and bad. So I'm turning it into a rental property and looking for jobs out of state...not running from my problems...just going to heal and recover while starting a new life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Stages,

I'm sorry friend to hear what you are going through. It's very tough, we both know that all too well. We are the same age and with similar stories. Keep your head up, it sounds like you are past over the hump based on that fact that you have now decided to file. Things will get better for both of us as time heals our wounds.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Only just saw this thread.

I'm a reconciled spouse, and glad about it, but reconciliation is hard and painful work.

As you said, if it's meant to be it will work out in the future. But the first sign I would have looked for is her breaking off contact with the OM. If she keeps that contact going now, I would have total peace about the decision to divorce, since her heart would never really have been in the reconciliation.

Loving someone is not enough to make a marriage work. 

Be strong.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How sad.

My H and I have reconciled and I am so glad we are getting a second chance. What others thought (and there were plenty of naysayers), was never an issue. 

Wazza is right. Giving up the OM or as in my H's case the OW has to be the first step otherwise R is doomed from the beginning. 

I wish you all the best, whatever happens in the future.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Wazza and Frost, that's good points. I know she was willing to try R last week, yet she is still with the OM. I am blocked from her FB account (and hardly check FB myself anyhow) but still have people letting me know what she's doing who are friends with her on FB (I don't ask they force that info on me). I know she was with him all last weekend.

I guess she wasn't going to end things with him unless I said R was what I wanted. I was seeing someone I work with (nothing serious) and ended things with her before I decided not to (still regretting) give R a chance. If it's meant to be it will work I suppose.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

BC3 said:


> Wazza and Frost, that's good points. I know she was willing to try R last week, yet she is still with the OM. I am blocked from her FB account (and hardly check FB myself anyhow) but still have people letting me know what she's doing who are friends with her on FB (I don't ask they force that info on me). I know she was with him all last weekend.
> 
> I guess she wasn't going to end things with him unless I said R was what I wanted. I was seeing someone I work with (nothing serious) and ended things with her before I decided not to (still regretting) give R a chance. If it's meant to be it will work I suppose.


BC, I'm sure I'll get flack for this, but talk to her. Face to face. Honestly. Openly. Tel her what you are feeling. Listen to what she says. 

You have some regrets. Give yourself this chance to express them to this woman you say you love. Let her know how you feel about her still being with OM.

For Heaven's sake, stop relying on what others are saying and stop worrying about what others might think. This is your life. 

'If its meant to be it will work' is leaving an awful lot to the winds of chance. If you have any regrets and any love for this woman (and you say you do), deal with them before it is too late.

If you love her, do something about it. If she shoots you down, at least you will know for sure. 

Maybe it will change nothing. Maybe it is over. Can you live the rest of your life wondering?

We will be here to support you whatever happens.

Follow your heart.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Frostflower, I cried as I read your post. Thank you for saying EXACTLY how I felt while reading this thread. 

I do NOT believe the "meant to be" thing. I think that's an easy out for people who are confused. 

I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe in anything BUT FREEWILL... and you can't.. I mean CAN NOT have freewill and destiny. I'ts like fear and anger can't exist in the same brain. You're either scared, or you're angry (i'm a Haunter that owns a haunted house, sorry for the analogy) 

We are responsible for ourselves. Letting the "if it's meant to be.." ride is only giving to 'chance'. Roll the dice, because it's the same thing. 

I agree. If you feel this way, think harder about it. if your feelings don't change, TALK TO HER! Sometimes, Divorce final can "snap" people (just saying my opinion) into reality. 

See how she feels. She may cry on your shoulder and do everything she needs to do. Starting over can be a great thing. With D done, you can look at things as a new slate. 

Good luck. I wish you well.


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## Highway run (Oct 22, 2012)

Frostflower, Dewayne 

When I stumbled onto this thread in the beginning I have thought exactly what you are both telling OP. Nice of someone to finally step up and say it! Neither of you will receive any slack from me. OP I hope it is not too late for you. Do not give up.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I'm sorry if I writ something out of line... ijust broke again. Can't stop feeling but I want to write.

I see so many people talk about destiny and "meant to be" and it's like they feel that they can go through a relationship or marriage WITHOUT WORKING ON IT and expect to stay happy and giddy. IT. TAKES. WORK.! Stop thinking that "if it's meant to be" it's going to be alright. 

You have to mold your relationships, mold yourself, mold your life... you can't expect your life to be a jagged puzzle piece and let it fall and see if it fits somewhere. Just not the way it works. I'm sorry if it is against people's beliefs but I guess I'm a realist? Not sure, but that's just how I feel.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I'm sorry if I writ something out of line... ijust broke again. Can't stop feeling but I want to write.
> 
> I see so many people talk about destiny and "meant to be" and it's like they feel that they can go through a relationship or marriage WITHOUT WORKING ON IT and expect to stay happy and giddy. IT. TAKES. WORK.! Stop thinking that "if it's meant to be" it's going to be alright.
> 
> You have to mold your relationships, mold yourself, mold your life... you can't expect your life to be a jagged puzzle piece and let it fall and see if it fits somewhere. Just not the way it works. I'm sorry if it is against people's beliefs but I guess I'm a realist? Not sure, but that's just how I feel.


I agree with the notion of shaping your own destiny. When I said "..if it's meant to be..." in my last post it was a turn of phrase.

But this is not totally in BC's control. The ex gets a say as well.

I guess the advantage of being divorced is that you can take time to work on the relationship, if that's what you both want to do.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Yeah. I just see so many people "not work" at a relationship and say if it's meant to be it'll be. I wanna slap them people so hard sometimes. I tell them "LOOK! You HAVE to compromise, it's part of it. That's how these things work. If you think you shouldn't have to give this up, or do that for them if you don't want to, you're mistaken and you're gonna continue to have problems" 

However, wth am I doing giving advice?


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I agree Dewayne. I didn't even know we were having "problems" (i still think the problem is the posOM) and my stbxw is rushing to throw away more than a decade together. 

Wedding vows are apparently worthless. You'd think you should at least _try_ to work on your marriage ... or at least let the other person know you are unhappy before you replace them.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> I agree Dewayne. I didn't even know we were having "problems" (i still think the problem is the posOM) and my stbxw is rushing to throw away more than a decade together.
> 
> Wedding vows are apparently worthless. You'd think you should at least _try_ to work on your marriage ... or at least let the other person know you are unhappy before you replace them.


Working on it requires some ownership of this dysfunction.

That's way less fun than posOM who makes her feel "young" and "alive".

Don't worry, the honeymoon will eventually end.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

The sad part is I know my STBXW well enough to know she'll never admit it. Heck with my luck they'll have a perfect marriage and the family I thought I'd have. Thats how my luck seems to go. 

Frankly I'm jealous of anyone whose spouse would even consider counseling or R. Mine is too busy reading love notes from her posOM.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> The sad part is I know my STBXW well enough to know she'll never admit it. Heck with my luck they'll have a perfect marriage and the family I thought I'd have. Thats how my luck seems to go.
> 
> Frankly I'm jealous of anyone whose spouse would even consider counseling or R. Mine is too busy reading love notes from her posOM.


As I was told when my H was in the midst of his affair, the odds are stacked against these relationships. Statistically, it is very unlikely your STBXW and OM will still be together in five years. It is far more likely that you will find someone with whom you can build a strong relationship.

She may be enjoying those love notes now. But, in the big picture, they are meaningless.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

^^ Im not jealous at all.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> "Frankly I'm jealous of anyone whose spouse would even consider counseling or R"
> 
> I feel exactly the same way. And I am very selfish to say this but I am jealous that everyone here has a chance to R, but I have zero. None.
> 
> Sorry if I offended anyone.


You wont offend anyone. If I understand the 180 correctly, this is the time you are supposed to be a bit selfish. 

I'm also in the 0% boat. Maybe longterm that is a good thing. I'm only 1.5 weeks out from finding out about the affair so things are still pretty unstable for me (good mood/bad mood), but I'm hoping that knowing that nothing I could do would change/fix anything will make it quicker to heal.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> You wont offend anyone. If I understand the 180 correctly, this is the time you are supposed to be a bit selfish.
> 
> I'm also in the 0% boat. Maybe longterm that is a good thing. I'm only 1.5 weeks out from finding out about the affair so things are still pretty unstable for me (good mood/bad mood), but I'm hoping that knowing that nothing I could do would change/fix anything will make it quicker to heal.


Im a good few weeks into finding out about the affair - at first it helped , but now Id still have her back - go figure???


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> "Frankly I'm jealous of anyone whose spouse would even consider counseling or R"
> 
> I feel exactly the same way. And I am very selfish to say this but I am jealous that everyone here has a chance to R, but I have zero. None.
> 
> Sorry if I offended anyone.


I'm not offended at all, and you're not selfish. It must hurt very much if you know that there is no chance of R. I'm sorry that that is your truth. 

Hug.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

36Separated said:


> Im a good few weeks into finding out about the affair - at first it helped , but now Id still have her back - go figure???


Ya, I've had a pretty big emotional setback in the last two days too. She wasn't staying with who she's aid shewas last night... So much for it not being physical. Then again the emotional is probably worse. I can't decide.

Guess I shouldn't care. Can't wait till I don't.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well here's an update on my situation. The divorce has been final for over 2 months. My ex has basically 100% moved on and is no longer contacting me at all other than to get the last of the few items out of my house that are hers. She texted me about a month ago asking for a one night sexual encounter...it didn't happen because she changed her mind as I asked her to meet up after she sent that text. I have dated a couple women since the divorce..only have had 1 sexual relationship and I find myself thinking of my ex wife a lot of the time during these sexual moments with a co worker of mine I'm sleeping with and actually just left her house 30 minutes ago. I don't see myself and my co worker ever having anything beyond a fling. 


She's not what I'm looking for long term. I wonder if I'll get over my ex, or if I'll find anyone I really want to settle down with. I realize I will never ever under any conditions be able to take my ex back at this point. She has burned every bridge possible and this would prevent me from ever being able to take her back. It sucks to realize this is my new life...my old life is gone forever and only a distant memory that fades as each day passes. I guess this time a year is tough for ppl going thru the first few months of a divorce. I don't even know what I'm trying to say...I guess I'm just trying to "get things out" right now. Anyways thanks for listening to everyone who has read this. I'm a lost soul right now I feel like.


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