# Married 6 months - feel like a roommate



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I have posted on here before about my marriage, but haven't posted for a few months. I feel like I am losing my mind and remembered how helpful it was to get my thoughts and feelings out by posting on this site. Sometimes it is hard to tell people that I know what is going on in my marriage. My mom and I are very close, but there are things I just don't know how to talk about to her. So, in advance, thanks for reading this.

My H and I got married this summer in July. We've been married about 6 months. It hasn't been good since the beginning. Sure, we've had a few good times, but it just isn't a marriage. People try to tell me that it is hard the first year of a marriage, but I don't think it should be like this. 

We've had sex 3 times since being married. THREE TIMES! And ONE of those times was on our honeymoon. Let me repeat....ONE! At first, it was because my H never initiated and I don't think he has a lot of confidence in himself. I tried to help him through this. I wanted to have sex with him. But, now, as things have gotten more and more stressed between us, I don't have any desire to be with him anymore. He still doesn't initiate, or touch me, or anything....but on my part, I probably wouldn't allow it anymore anyway. After this long, and after all the fighting, I don't have any desire left to be with him. We did talk about it once recently. I told him lots of things are going to have to change before I am going to feel sexually attracted to him again. I just don't have any desire to be with him - I feel like I have lost all attraction to him because of how everything has been for the past 6 months. How can I gain that attraction back?? Many nights, he gets upset at me about something, or is just in a bad mood, or we argue, and then he falls asleep on the couch. It used to really upset me that he couldn't get over anything and come to bed with me, but now I actually enjoy the nights that I get to sleep by myself! When he is in bed with me, I feel like I'm sleeping with a stranger. 

I have fought with my H for months about opening up to me, and I guess this is what it has lead to. When he gets upset, he either clams up and pretends like nothing is wrong, or he explodes. He is now going to counseling for his anger, but I don't know if it is helping much. He also has 2 kids that he pretty much quit seeing the last few years. He has many hurt feelings about that as well, but won't talk about any of it, or do anything to make it better. He hadn't seen them since our wedding in July, and hadn't brought them out to visit since Christmas 2009. This Christmas he wanted them to come out and his ex was pretty ticked because he hadn't even called for months. She finally let him visit one day, and he acted like he was going to work on making things better with his kids, and he hasn't even called or seen them for another month. Now, he claims he can't afford to go see them, which is a bunch of crap because we are ok with our money. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make this work. I feel like we are roommates. I have no desire to have children with this man anymore. I have no desire to have sex with this man anymore. And I don't know how to get that back or if it is even possible.

I'm not looking for answers from those of you who read this. Maybe advice. Maybe just want to know I'm not alone. But, mostly I just need to get my thoughts out.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Have you said any of this directly to him?

It seems abnormal to me to have this much conflict and disconnection so early in a marriage.

Might be repairable if you two are candid with each other.

Otherwise? Leave .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Yes, I have talked and talked until I am blue in the face. Now, I am just angry. My confusion and hurt has just turned to anger. I've fought with him for months to open up to me and to talk to me. That is one reason he is in counseling now. Because he can't talk to me about anything without getting upset and doesn't share anything with me. Then gets upset when I don't understand. I don't feel like a very understanding wife anymore. Like I said, I am just full of anger. I don't know how to get back to the beginning again. I told him once he figures out his anger, then we can go to counseling together. But, at this point, it is still the same as before counseling.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I think I am done. We had it out tonight. He was making me supper, but then we got into a fight. I know he was trying to be nice, and I do appreciate it, but there is so much unsaid between us for 6+ months now, that it has just gotten sooo tense. Sex 3 times since we got married. Is that really normal??? He says he is not good at initiating, but I have thrown myself on him....I have told him that I need him to initiate sex....that I want him to, and still nothing. We are married. I am his wife. I made that commitment to him. But, other than that, we share nothing personal. I think he is very depressed, but how do I get him to do something about it? There is only so much I can do to help him. And, he really doesn't want my help. It just causes a fight. Now he tells me that he is just an emotional person. But, he didn't cry over everything before we married. He didn't get pissed about everything before we married. And he was ok with me going out and US going out together, until recently. Now, it's like he just wants me to sit at home, just like him, and be lonely, just like him.


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## autumnalhedge (Jan 26, 2011)

how did this end? Your husband sounds somewhat similar to mine with the lack of sharing thoughts and feelings. How are you supposed to fix any problems if they don't tell you what they are?? I'm so sorry.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

michzz said:


> It seems abnormal to me to have this much conflict and disconnection so early in a marriage.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think "abnormal" is the right word. I know many marriages who have a ton of trouble in the first year of marriage. My honeymoon (in a matter of speaking) ended about three weeks after I got married. Just think about it...you are suddenly forced to give up most of your independence and share everything in your life with someone else. It's a huge adjustment...even for people who easily adapt to change.



michzz said:


> Otherwise? Leave .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish it were that simple, but it's not. There are so many conflicting emotions on what you SHOULD do and what you feel like you WANT to do. It's definitely a decision that can't be taken lightly. It's one that will change your entire life forever. One that you might regret making. 

I definitely can relate to your story. Sex three times in six months is definitely an extreme. I'm curious to know how your sex life was while you were dating. Did you see this as an issue before you got married? 

Ask yourself this question: If you could somehow find a sexual connection again, would you want to stay? or are there other significant problems?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Confused-Wife said:


> I don't think "abnormal" is the right word. I know many marriages who have a ton of trouble in the first year of marriage. My honeymoon (in a matter of speaking) ended about three weeks after I got married. Just think about it...you are suddenly forced to give up most of your independence and share everything in your life with someone else. It's a huge adjustment...even for people who easily adapt to change.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, it is difficult. Our sex life was never the most amazing, but it was more than it is now. He at least seemed to have more interest and wasn't so timid about everything. I know men (and women) can quit trying if they feel they've been turned down too many times, but I have talked to him about this openly and told him that he needs to initiate and that I am open to sex, and that hasn't changed anything. However, at this point, we are not having sex either way. He is not initiating, I am not initiating, and I wouldn't want to have sex at this point. There has been too much fighting and too many things said. Some things will have to be resolved before we get back there.

I have never been as attracted to my H as I have been to certain boyfriend in the past. Physical attraction is not what brought me to him. So, I guess you could say that our sex life really does depend on how he makes me feel otherwise. It's more of making love, than just sex. Does that make sense??


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

autumnalhedge said:


> how did this end? Your husband sounds somewhat similar to mine with the lack of sharing thoughts and feelings. How are you supposed to fix any problems if they don't tell you what they are?? I'm so sorry.


I agree with you. It is hard to fix problems when they won't tell you anything. It is difficult to know what is wrong when he won't discuss it with me. We have done ok the last couple of days, but it seems like I can't say anything without him taking it wrong. And I'm sure I do the same thing to him. We are not happy together. Not sure what I am going to do. Not looking forward to the weekend. Too much time at home together.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

You could try initiation sex every day for seven days. Even if you don't want to. Just do it. See how the sex is. Then after the seven days, don't initiate. See if he waits for you to. 

Maybe tell him that you will have sex on a trial schedule. I know that sounds super lame, but just do it as a temporary experiment to see how it goes....You initiatie on Mondays, then tell him that wednesdays are his day to initiate. Stay on the schedule for three weeks. After the three weeks, reevaluate where you both stand. Maybe he just needs practice initiating. Maybe he just needs to figure out what you want or how he should do it. 

Explain your expectations for initiation. Tell him that if he kisses you and touches you down there that you'll know he wants to have sex. It doesn't have to be something extravagant. Maybe he feels like it has to be a huge ridiculous foreplay extravagana...when really, it might only need to be something as simple as a kiss and a touch.


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