# Husband wants me to be more relaxed but HE contributes to my feelings of self



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

consciousness...how you say?

He often refers to my gut in a negative way (I know I need to lose 30 lbs, and I know my gut is jelly from having 3 kids, don't need reminding)-- he always claims he is just joking.

He often complains I have bad breath--- I brush my teeth and such, I do it often, but he makes me feel like I don't want to kiss him as I must have bad breath because he will even say it when I just got done brushing and flossing. 

He is always saying how ugly and weird my feet are-- they kind of are, but why does he have to bring it up all the time?

I know he thinks I am just humorless or something, and I try, but the comments hurt and make me withdraw... and make me think about how to hide all my flaws instead of enjoying sex. When I try to talk to him about it, we are back to I am only joking, stop being so sensitive. 

After years of this, I just don't know if I can get confidence back.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sweetie and I'm going to say this with all the kindness in my heart that I can muster.....

Lose the weight. 

I know you probably want to climb through the computer and deck me but hear me out. My sister and I both have been through this. At first when I told her this she didn't want to listen either. She needed to lose 30 pounds too. She balked at the idea that she should have to do anything to get her confidence back, to get HIM back interested and while I understood her feelings I assured her the payoffs of losing the weight would totally be worth it. See I had already lost 25 pounds and I noticed quickly that my confidence came back, that I felt better and my husband definately took notice. I had to buy new clothes and everything.

Took probably a year but my sister finally in desperation to fix her relationship decided to take my advice. She lost 30 pounds, got new clothes and now happily calls to tell me how great her sex life is and that her boyfriend can't keep his hands off her.

I have 3 kids, she has 2 and while neither of us have washboard abs just losing 30 pounds made a HUGE difference in how we looked. 

I know your husband has other complaints but I think it started with your weight. Most men when faced with a beautiful thinner woman won't even notice their feet or breath.  Just saying.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

That's mean, and it's not your fault he has the need to say mean things to the person he's supposed to love.
He has a problem. The mean comes from inside him and has nothing to do with you.

Any time he starts to say any of that, I would just look at him with disgust, and/or take a shot right back (he's probably no brad Pitt), and then walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I will tell you something about loosing the weight. 
I was the heaviest i had ever been in my life. almost 200 lbs after the birth or our son. I had gained 50 pounds. 30 of it was because i quit my job, before i even got pregnant. 20 pounds was from being pregnant. Last year I fell into a really deep depression. I stopped eating. Eating once every week or two. I was on heavy anti-depressants, 30mg of Prozac a day. I did loose all the weight in a little over a month. (I do not recommend NOT eating.) 

I have still managed to keep all of the weight off, however to lose the weight DO IT OR YOU, not him. Even though I am a lot lighter now then i was, my sex life still has not changed at all, it is still the same. My H still does not notice me whatsoever.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

He sounds like an a$$! Sorry, but true. He can tell you all day long he is joking, but I believe behind every thing a person claims to be a joke, there is truth to it. He means what he says, he is just trying to pass it off as a joke. 

He hasn't made one comment about you, but several. Perhaps he feels bad about himself and must feel the need to put you down in order to feel better about himself. He needs to worry about himself and you worry about you.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> I have still managed to keep all of the weight off, however to lose the weight DO IT OR YOU, not him. Even though I am a lot lighter now then i was, my sex life still has not changed at all, it is still the same. My H still does not notice me whatsoever.


I think your husband has other issues. And yes I agree if you did decide to lose the weight do it for you not him. I was merely suggesting that it would really help your self confidence (it did mine and my sister's). 

To the OP I do think your husband is being mean I do. And ladyybyrd is probably right. Someone that picky probably isn't going to respond to any changes you make positively.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Sweetie and I'm going to say this with all the kindness in my heart that I can muster.....
> 
> Lose the weight.
> 
> ...



I keep trying...my life is just so nuts...my kids activities, my job (I travel alot...ugh), and then he no longer wants to plan and cook (he is primarily at home..he has a part time gig sporadically), so we end up ordering pizza and stuff all the time. I feel like even there he sort of sabatoges me. I am trying yet again...I keep gaining and losing the same 30 lbs


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

his main problem is he doesnt know how to communicate. instead of constructive feedback on how he feels about your weight he is taking jabs hoping you get the picture. he is doing more harm than good and his approach is wrong and in poor judgement. some folks just dont deal with adversity well, and communicating negative things to ones spouse is a major problem for many. take it away and lose the weight. jabbing back at him wont help. he wont change his approach because he doesnt know how.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I keep trying...my life is just so nuts...my kids activities, my job (I travel alot...ugh), and then he no longer wants to plan and cook (he is primarily at home..he has a part time gig sporadically), so we end up ordering pizza and stuff all the time. I feel like even there he sort of sabatoges me. I am trying yet again...I keep gaining and losing the same 30 lbs


Putting your mean husband aside are you sure he is sabotoges you? I'm the full time homemaker and my husband needs to lose 30 pounds. He blames me by saying I'm too good of a cook and it annoys the crap out of me. I'm thinking dude I'm not forcing you to eat 2-3 helpings that's all you.

It's hard to diet when life is busy and even harder when traveling but it can be done. You just have to learn to make yourself a priority which I still say would do wonders for you.

I wonder if you husband isn't projecting his negative feelings about life onto you. Doesn't sound like he's all that happy with pt arrangement and being home more than you.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Yeah, you need to lose the weight. That doesn't give your husband an excuse to be mean to you. Even if you lose the weight, eat breath mints 24/7, and get cosmetic foot surgery, there will always be something wrong with you that he needs to verbalize. Some people are just like that.

You need to stand up for yourself. You need to get some self esteem. So you are 30 pounds overweight from having 3 kids, it's not like you're the first woman to have that problem. Why doesn't he support you instead of being horrible to you? 

There are workout videos specifically for moms that allow you to do intrevals of 10 minutes at a time/3x a day. I've got 4 kids, so I know how hard it is to find the time. You have to make it a priority. 

You don't deserve the things he is saying to you. Until you know that, I don't think you'll ever find the time to lose the weight. You have to get ANGRY at him and work out to burn off the anger. Use anger as your motivation.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Putting your mean husband aside are you sure he is sabotoges you? I'm the full time homemaker and my husband needs to lose 30 pounds. He blames me by saying I'm too good of a cook and it annoys the crap out of me. I'm thinking dude I'm not forcing you to eat 2-3 helpings that's all you.
> 
> .


Maybe not on purpose...but he isn't helping. Our original agreement when he quit working FT to stay home with the kids was that he did the lions share of cooking/shopping. So I am supposed to travel, clean house, do laundry, drive the kids to all their activities, take care of everything as regards my special ed daughter's issues, do all the clothing shopping for them etc (all girls, so it falls on me) and he cannot even help me by planning some healthy meals?? I mean, he will literally say at 7 pm...so what should we have for dinner?? DUDE?? THAT is supposed to be your gig.. so then it is Chinese, or Pizza etc....so what I don't eat, make something else what? He doesn't even try anymore.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP I am married to a woman who falls back on the 'teasing' excuse. 

"Oh I'm just teasing...."

"Really? 'Cuz everyone else calls it relentlessly abusive psychotic anger."


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> You just have to learn to make yourself a priority which I still say would do wonders for you.
> 
> I wonder if you husband isn't projecting his negative feelings about life onto you. Doesn't sound like he's all that happy with pt arrangement and being home more than you.



That would be nice...he is under the impression that taking the girls shopping for clothing each season (no not fun), driving them to their activities, and that sort of thing is my FUN...I make the best of it and all, but he takes off on his motorcyle, goes fishing or does 100% him things ALL the time...and gets pissy if I ask him to pitch in with the girls things.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> He doesn't even try anymore.


I think you've summed him up in this one sentence. And it shows that this has nothing to do with you.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I am the fattest I have ever been in my life. Years of psychotropic meds will do that to a person. That is what the doctor tells me.

I hate to exercise because it hurts like hell and I love to eat, so I will stay fat. 

This may be all in my head, because most people tell me that I am not fat. Shop clerks are shocked that I am a size 12, they hand me size 9's when I pick something. :smthumbup:

Mr.G likes me the way I am; says my curves are sexy. I love my fat girl tits and my bottom. I have a chubby face no matter how thin I get. 

Excuse me.....:gun Harsh Inner Critic.

That's better. 

OP, lose the weight if it will make you feel good about yourself. I find that when I take long walks (which I enjoy) often, I drop some extra pounds. 

Your husband is mean. People are often mean to others because they lack something in themselves. I had an ex who would tell me I was fat and blamed me for his ED. He did it to comfort himself.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

His behavior is very hurtful and if it is a joke, why aren't you laughing. What he is doing is passive aggressive abusive behavior. All it does is shread your self esteem. Some people need to verbally abuse others to make themselves feel like they are in control. Bullies.

Next time he makes some back handed comment about you, tell him he needs hair plugs and penis enlargement then follow it up with "just joking". See if he is laughing. If he isn't just tell him to stop being so "sensitive".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm in one of 'those' moods today. I would punch him in the face. Hard.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> OP I am married to a woman who falls back on the 'teasing' excuse.
> 
> "Oh I'm just teasing...."
> 
> "Really? 'Cuz everyone else calls it relentlessly abusive psychotic anger."


Lol but this is true. If the person who claims to love you most does not help make you feel good and the most special person, then they are not worth it. They are supposed to love you.

I think the weight is a separate issue all together and has nothing to do with his meanness.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> consciousness...how you say?
> 
> He often refers to my gut in a negative way (I know I need to lose 30 lbs, and I know my gut is jelly from having 3 kids, don't need reminding)-- he always claims he is just joking.
> 
> ...


I think he is being rude and hurtful. As clueless as i apparently was in my marriage, I certainly knew better than to make negative comments about my wife's appearance. My wife was sometimes insecure about her small stomach, but i always tried to reassure her she looked great. I once told her that her feet alone were more attractive than other women's entire body, and she knew I meant it. 

I think he needs to wise up and drop the negative comments.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Wow, your husband sounds like an *******. Sorry to say that. Your husband's comments are cruel and hurtful. He sounds like he is not contributing to your family life or to the family finances through a full-time job. He probably feels like crap about himself because he's such a dud and he's trying to drag you down to make himself feel better. 

Your husband should love you and desire you even if you are a little heavier than you want to be. Having a husband who only wants you when you look physically perfect is not someone worth having. We are all going to get old, age, get wrinkles, etc. If he can't accept your imperfections, screw him. Do you really want to be trying to maintain some standard just so he will love you? That is not real love.

I really don't think the issue is losing weight. The issue is a verbally abusive husband who is not contributing to the marriage and trying to harm your self-esteem.

I would insist that he get counseling so he can figure out how to be a better husband to you. The issue is not YOU, the issue is HIM.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Insults disguised as humor are still insults. What could possibly be funny about these things. 

If he says somthing like this you should either call him out calmly and say "I am trying to understand why you would say that" and reiterate that you don't think it is funny. 

H sounds like he has some issues. Probably doesn't help to be at home. He is making you feel bad to fell better about himself. 

Agree with others if you "fixed" the things he is complaining about he will find others. Loosing weight may make you feel better in allot of way. I understand the bad food thing and i have 3 kids and we both work f/t and travel. Try one simple thing that i have tried. Eat less. know your calories and you will realize how little you need to feel full and be nourished. 

Since he has time and money to own a motorcylce and go fishing it sounds like his is selfish. Not sure of the dynamics from your one paragraph but, think you could use some support. Has he always been mean and self-centered or just recently?

Good luck....


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