# Guidance vs Heavy Lifting with WS



## ConfusedInCali (Nov 12, 2014)

Hi folks, my story is here (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/232426-wife-midlife-crisis-affair-even-relevant.html) but thought this topic could justify its own thread.

For the WS some had advised that they should be doing most of the heavy lifting during reconciliation. However, others have advised that the WS sometimes need guidance on what the BS needs to heal. Is there a right or wrong answer or is it a matter of balance?

In my scenario, I'm confused whether my WS really wants R based on her actions but not sure if she needs extra guidance or perhaps she is just not all in for R. That said, should one not proceed with R if they don't show that they're all in on their own? I mean, I don't want a forced R, because I realize that won't ever work but how would one know if the WS is the type that needs extra guidance?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well, it sort of depends on a couple of things... namely, (a) the WS, and (b) the BS.

If, for example, you've always been the type to "lead" in your relationship, you may have to carry at least some of that through into the reconciliation of your marriage. Having said that, I can see how this could be especially difficult for a lot of folks to come to terms with.

Tell you what, I have a couple of posts on this topic that I'd like to dig up for you. Gimme a few minutes...

ETA: Here they are...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...bout-remorse-reconciliation.html#post10074033

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...w-om-has-been-discovered-87.html#post10078842


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might want the gift of recovery but not the hassle of actually working for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You need to heal for obvious reasons. She needs to heal AND fix herself AND earn you back AND rebuild what she broke (that part is called marriage) 

So yeah. She must do the heavy lifting. She'll learn its a life long endeavor. 

Your journey through life and marriage has been unalterably changed her evil, toxic, selfish actions. Your old marriage is done. She did it. She divorced your marriage. It's dead. She poisoned you and your marriage. She ruined herself. 

If you choose to R, it's still your right to D at any time. This week or five years from now. It's her who needs to rebuild a new marriage. If you're up for it, it's a gift from you.

She gets no vote in the matter. She lost it the moment she left the old marriage.

Read up on MMSLP if you want to know about you and what you can work on to improve you. Much of the pain and confusion you feel is the beta in you leaving. You've just discovered the hard way EVERYTHING you know about women is wrong. A total lie. Your job is a balanced alpha/beta man.

Own your marriage. Be the leader in your marriage. Man up, she'll follow. But she needs to prove herself to you every day. Heavy lifting is her new role. With your leadership, she'll respond.

If you feel she needs "guidance". Pfit. Beta word. If you sense she ain't there, provide leadership. You don't guide. You lead. If she ain't following, cut her loose.

Example of Guidance. Have her served with D papers. If she's not immediately a quivering, sobbing snot bubble of a mess at your feet begging for all she's worth, she's not worth the trouble. You're a man. Not a wimp.

You did not "mean" her into this, you cannot "nice" her back.

..."guidance" - right from Planet Beta, geeze...

Her "actions" are obvious to you. Your Beta has been betrayed. Your Alpha knows what to do. Wake it up, man! Hold the D over her head. You can cancel anytime (or not).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case it was kind of 50/50...some things were common sense like NC, transparent, and accountability. She in general had a huge degree of submission.

Some of the things my old lady needed help with was giving up things that gave me triggers like removing toxic friends, changing cell number, and no more GNO.

Your old lady needs to know what you triggers are and respecting you and face the consequences.
It was a struggle for her to lose her privacy but she stuck it out since she has nothing to hide.

Even some movies ....I had to say really..."you want me to watch some POS cheat on their spouse?"


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I think the guidance comes into play when you can see that the WS is in it for R and trying hard to go above and beyond, but seem to not be focusing on what you need. Then you need to sit down and discuss what you need/ require to see. Make sure that you acknowledge the actions the WS are doing so that they don't get discouraged, but you can hopefully sway them to see and do what you are asking and needing. 

Sometimes this will make no difference as the WS will only do what they want as that is the easy part (like my STBXW said she was really working on it, by maintaining NC, which for her meant not contacting the OM, when he contacted her, no NC letter, but yet asking about him through her friends, which she was not willing to give up). She really thought she was doing the heavy lifting as she was maintaining NC (which is hard for her psyche, but really requires no actions on her part. SO her idea os heavy lifting, was doing nothing.) She wouldn't read books, really be involved in counseling, but maintained she was working hard as NC on her part was maintained.

It is like love languages. Even then doing everything in your power, if it is not your spouses love language, then they will never truly see the effort and this is where the guidance comes in to make them aware of your love languages and what matters to you (which my STBXW didn't even acknowledge existed).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ConfusedInCali said:


> In my scenario, I'm confused whether my WS really wants R based on her actions but not sure if she needs extra guidance or perhaps she is just not all in for R.


Sometimes WS's need educating on what a remorseful spouse looks like. Most of them aren't necessarily an expert right off the bat. So, it's up to you to make sure that know what you expect. After that;they either respond or they don't.

Assuming you've laid out your expectations - and based on what you've been describing in your threads; it would appear she's not responding to your expectations. But, you know your wife better than anyone else and that's a decision you alone have to make.


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