# Need HELP and advice asap



## Ninadoll (Nov 28, 2011)

I dont even know where to start. This is my 5th year with him and our relationship is nothing it used to be. He sleeps on the couch and stays up late watching porn which hurts and disscusses me. When we do have sex its totaly emotionless and robotic. I have went thru his phone and found that he has been talking very inappropriately to some other woman. He gets angry and abusive when confronted and says that he was "done" with our relationship. He pushes me away with his cruel words and when i say its over he replies: It will never be over. Sort of manipulation.
He has said that when you are with someone every day it gets boring and that he's not in love with me anymore. But he won't let me go. Is it because he doesn't want to be the bad guy or because he really doesn't know what he wants like he says?! 
I am fed up being neglected, dissrespected, taken for granted, used and lied to. I feel like my head is in a haze and I CAN'T seem to really SEE what is going on. 
P.s. I have followed him a few times and didn't catch him doing anything. He says that woman is just a friend and that i am a very ununderstanding person so i can't get it. But he texted her : "Wear pink laced panties , just joking." And said that is called FLIRTING. In my eyes that is beyond f*** up and unacceptable. He denied ever meeting with her which I think is a LIE and he insists that he never cheated on me . We have a little girl together. The situation i s even more complex but don't want to write to much on here...PLEASE HELP


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't have to let you go. He doesn't have the power to keep you.

YOU need to go.

He will never respect you or treat you as a husband is supposed to treat a wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why are you putting up with this? Why do you say it's over, if you don't follow through? All you're doing is teaching him that you're a doormat.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

The bad behavior isn't going to stop until you set firm boundaries for what you are willing to accept. That might mean separation. From the sounds of it, he is treating you poorly, because he can. If he is really serious about the side of "Not letting you go" then you will see him immediately starting to straighten up when you put your foot down. The trick is, put your foot down and keep it down. Without some sort of coaching or counseling to learn better ways to relating, it will just get worse. Please do something soon though, that daughter of yours is going to model your relationship. Think carefully about what you want for her - that's what you have to make sure you are giving to yourself.


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## Ninadoll (Nov 28, 2011)

Wow you guys... That is all true and i think the reason why I put up with this so long is because I have "daddy" issues and from there anxiety about being alone altho I am alone and I've been alone all these years. There is no affection. And yes, I agree, things have gotten worse over the years because I'M TEACHING HIM THAT HE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. I just never wanted to accept that he just isn't what I need and really doesn't even want to be. 
Since I've told him that i do not like him anymore and that I'm planning on moving he has became kinder and "civil"...He has treated me so poorly It's sad because I have it all going for me and this is not good at all for my child. I would never want to see her with an emotionally crippled man like her father. 
The power I gave to him I must take back and stop being affraid because things can only get better for me . Thank you all and please do leave any thoughts that you have. 
P.s. I wanted to go to counseling but the financial situation is ridiculos since we started depending soley on him... 
I dont think he cares enough to try hard or maybe he cant be a good man because he doesnt know how....Im emotionally drained and tired of giving and getting crumbs back....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you think counseling is expensive, try pricing out a divorce and maintaining two households... Counseling may not be a magic bullet, but if it can help, cost should not be a consideration. You may also want to start looking at ways to be more financially independent anyways.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ninadoll (Nov 28, 2011)

I am financially independed and successful and have been paying for us for 4 years and now that we moved across country things are way worse. Please save harsh comments PBear I don't need to hear it. I am in a far more complicated situation anyone can imagine..There is probation, INS and financial issues so please if you cant say anything nice dont say it at all.. I have been trough so much with this man and i loved him and he loved me in his own way but it was never enough for me. I never felt special or that he only had eyes for me. And a leo needs that. I have men left and right trying to get me but he already has me so i guess there is no thrill if there is no chase. He is like a ticking time bomb, huge anger problem also. And very mean at times. Maybe hes bipolar///


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're in the US, go to United Way and find your local chapter. They'll help you do what needs to be done to move.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

PBear said:


> If you think counseling is expensive, try pricing out a divorce and maintaining two households... Counseling may not be a magic bullet, but if it can help, cost should not be a consideration. You may also want to start looking at ways to be more financially independent anyways.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is good advice and not at all "mean". It IS more expensive to get divorced and maintain two households. Sometimes you have to spend a little in therapy for things to get better. You certainly need therapy and so does your husband. The issues you are dealing with are quite complex and you need professional help if you want things to change.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ninadoll said:


> I am financially independed and successful and have been paying for us for 4 years and now that we moved across country things are way worse. Please save harsh comments PBear I don't need to hear it. I am in a far more complicated situation anyone can imagine..There is probation, INS and financial issues so please if you cant say anything nice dont say it at all.. I have been trough so much with this man and i loved him and he loved me in his own way but it was never enough for me. I never felt special or that he only had eyes for me. And a leo needs that. I have men left and right trying to get me but he already has me so i guess there is no thrill if there is no chase. He is like a ticking time bomb, huge anger problem also. And very mean at times. Maybe hes bipolar///


My comment was far from harsh, I'm afraid. And you made the statement about wanting counseling but having concern about the finances. 

Good luck. And I really mean it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. It is good advice and was not in any way harsh. It's what you need to hear.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I didn't read any harshness either...there were no personal attacks or nasty words in PBear's response.

Therapy will only help, if your husband is willing to take responsibility for his actions. All the counseling in the world will be fruitless if he is not willing to make positive changes.


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