# Any other married men struggle with the urge to be with other women?



## fredfredson (Sep 19, 2012)

I'm 26 and my wife is 24 and absolutely gorgeous. We've been married almost 4 years. Things have been better and worse, and over the past couple years the sex has been a lot less frequent and passionate than I'd like, and unfulfilling for me. The problem I have right now is that over the past 6 months I've been feeling stronger and stronger desires to be with other women. My wife and I are each each other's one-and-only and I find myself feeling like I missed out on the young single life. I used to want to fix our sex issues, but now I'm to the point that I honestly don't know if I can be satisfied like this. I love my wife very much and she's very beautiful, but deep down somewhere something is gnawing at me desiring the excitement of sex with other women. I've even gotten to the point that I've thought about divorce.

Please withhold the critical and judgmental comments. I've been true to my marital vows and not acted on what I've felt. I'm simply asking about powerful desires that came very much not by conscious choice. I wish they could just go away. My questions are these: Is this an uncommon thing? How do other husbands cope with their biological impulses? Should I tell her or would that just do more harm than good?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

I'm 24 and I know what you're talking about. She's my first one as well and it doesn't look like were going to break up or anything (not married). I've did a lot of reading on this site and self-diagnosed with "the grass is greener on the other side" and realizing that I would be throwing a whole lot away for some casual sex. IDK I think lots of people just get this kind of feelings out of their system during their late teens and during their twenties but if you haven't had that oppertunity then it's mostly a case of putting it to rest. For yourself.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I wouldn't tell her. I am sure most guys have some level of desire to have sex with other women at some point. Unless you find yourself seriously making plans to act on your impulses, keep them to yourself.

As for how to keep from acting on them - self control. Develop yours. If you use porn, stop. Focus your sexual energies onto your wife. Stay away from situations where you're going to be exposed to any kind of sexual tension that doesn't involve your wife. Figure out what works for you to turn your mind away from going there when it does.

You might also want to do some work at affair proofing your marriage. These books are not just for those who HAVE been through infidelity. The three of them go together.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Amazon.ca: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love: Amazon.ca: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

Five Steps to Romantic Love: A Workbook for Readers of Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs: Amazon.ca: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I asked the guy Im dating about sex with other people. He said "All pu$$y feels the same" - in those words. Just throwing that out there.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

kipani said:


> I asked the guy Im dating about sex with other people. He said "All pu$$y feels the same" - in those words. Just throwing that out there.


That's not the least bit true.

Some are tight and some are loose, some are wet and some are dry, some look nice and some look freaking weird, some smell good and some smell bad.. and probably most importantly, not all women know how to use it properly. Last but definitely not least, there's more to sex then just a penis and a VJ.


----------



## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

I don't think that was the point but alas


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

fredfredson said:


> over the past couple years the sex has been a lot less frequent and passionate than I'd like, and unfulfilling for me.
> 
> The problem I have right now is that over the past 6 months I've been feeling stronger and stronger desires to be with other women.


It sounds like these two things are probably related. Meaning, if you were having hot monkey sex with your wife regularly, your desire for other women would not be so strong and getting stronger.

If that's the case, then I would tell her. It might help her realize that if she doesn't take your sex life seriously, your marriage is in trouble. 

If sex sucks, your marriage is starting down a bad road and you need to work on this NOW before you a) cheat or b) end up back on TAM saying you've been in a sexless marriage for X or XX years.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

kipani said:


> I asked the guy Im dating about sex with other people. He said "All pu$$y feels the same" - in those words. Just throwing that out there.


That's exactly the kind of thing a guy says to avoid a weird conversation with his girlfriend about whether he thinks about other girls.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I see attractive women out in the world. I occassionaly stare. But I don't step out of my marital bounds either. 
But I always remember, the pain I felt when I learned my parents were going to divorce due to my dad's infidelty, and the pain my wife put me through. 

I asked my wife if she ever worried about me stepping outside my marital vows. Not that I have or ever will though. 

And she said "If I keep you fed and in bed, why would you ever want to leave?" 

Can't argue with that at all!


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Juicer said:


> I asked my wife if she ever worried about me stepping outside my marital vows.
> 
> And she said "If I keep you fed and in bed, why would you ever want to leave?"
> 
> Can't argue with that at all!


Sure you can argue with that.

All you gotta say is "Well I kept you fed and in bed and you left me for another guy, why do you think I wouldn't do the same to YOU?!".


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kipani said:


> I asked the guy Im dating about sex with other people. He said "All pu$$y feels the same" - in those words. Just throwing that out there.


Wrong....just saying


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Attraction is normal - we are all human. Acting on it or spending a lot of time thinking about it leads to other problems.

Hope gave you some great advice, I'd look at that closer.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would think most men and women strugle with this from time to time.familiarty breeds contempt.

thats why when you think your getting bored with sex its time to put more effort into being a better lover because if your bored shes bored. so man up and go buy a new toy or try some new moves.

it takes work for it to work!


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP,
Whether or not the sex is / was great, you will always see and desire other women.
Some of them might even want to initiate nsa sex with you.
It happens to me all the time.

Stop telling yourself that you've missed out on sex with other women because your wife was your one and only.
The only thing you missed out on was probably an unwanted pregnancy with a nut case or a STD.

You have the golden opportunity right there with your wife. You guys have only just been married .
Work on your emotional issues, and the sex will get back on track.
There's no hurry, you have your whole life ahead of you.


----------



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Absolutely. From the waitress the other night at dinner (out with friends), to a coworker, to a woman who keeps hitting on me at the gym. But to this point it has not been acted on. But it is getting harder to resist.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

fredfredson said:


> I'm 26 and over the past couple years the sex has been a lot less frequent and passionate than I'd like, and unfulfilling for me.


If your wife were taking care of you at home you probably wouldn't be having these thoughts.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Do I "struggle" with it? No. Do I have desires for other women and other expreinces? Sure I do! I don't necessarily "envision it" or wish for it, but I do wonder about it and honestly wouldn't "mind" and would likely greatly enjoy an experience with another woman. 

BUT, the thing that keeps me from "struggling" with it is my amazing woman at home. And the knowledge that likely far greater than 90 percent could never even come remotely close to comparing to her in so many ways. She's a great wife. A great companion. A great partner. We are on a very even wavelength together. She brings no undue drama into my life. She's not a drunk. She's not abusive. She's strong and independant. She's smart. She has a good career. She's very attractive. She's fabulous in the sack. And there's a lot of sack time. She's appreciative. She's supportive. She's fair. And on, and on, and on.

Are there other women out there who pique my sexual interest? You bet your azz there are. What, am I dead? No, I'm not. But infidelity is a deal breaker for us both. So I don't struggle with the desire to "go there". Aside from the knowledge I'd lose her as a result, she simply does not deserve to be wounded by that...ever. She's been damn near a perfect wife, partner and companion. And I'll not hurt her or lose her over a desire for some "strange".

If all else is good with your wife, I would definately try to work on the sexual issues that may be causing you to feel like you're missing out on something. Spice things up. If she's faltering, figure out how to fix it. There's plenty of info on these forums on how to do so.

If this is just a feeling about "missing out on the single life", well buddy, let me tell you this: Count your lucky stars, you're not missing out on a whole lot. The "single life" is not all it's cracked up to be. Lousy lays. Lousy attitudes. Lousy motivations or personal agendas. Attention wh0res. Liars. Cheats. Lousy baggage. Lousy boundaries or loyalties. And oftentimes you don't discover a lot of this until you've got major time invested in someone. 

At the end of the day, if she's a good woman, and you can't get past this, then let her know the deal and let her go. But don't be shocked after you've found out that the grass is not greener on the other side, and after the excitement of "strange" has wore off and the lonliness of life without a great partner has set in that someone snatched her up and won't let her go.

I'm not saying the above as a slam on you. I'm saying you should think about the above scenario and see how that makes you feel.



> I asked the guy Im dating about sex with other people. He said "All pu$$y feels the same" - in those words. Just throwing that out there.


Lol. Sounds like something a guy would say to his girl, but it's total b.s. Sorry! All pu$$y was not created equal. Just as all d!cks were not. Now, if you've got a "tight one" (or a big one for dudes) and know how to "use it", well then, that works very much in your favor. If not, well, you'd better have the rest of your game together!


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kipani said:


> I asked the guy Im dating about sex with other people. He said "All pu$$y feels the same" - in those words. Just throwing that out there.


He lied.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

What Donny said. :agree:


----------



## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

donny64 said:


> If all else is good with your wife, I would definately try to work on the sexual issues that may be causing you to feel like you're missing out on something. Spice things up. If she's faltering, figure out how to fix it. There's plenty of info on these forums on how to do so.


I agree with everything you said except this minor thing. While the original poster is indicating that his sex-life is "less frequent" and "less passionate" at the end of his post he indicates a gnawing desire to experience sex with someone else. I don't think spicing things up is a bad idea at all but in the end it's not going to help that nagging feeling of having 'missed out'. No amount of kinky sex with the same person is going to resolve that as the heart of the problem lies exactly with the fact that it is the same person you're doing it with.

What I do think is that OP needs to do some good soul-searching to put this at rest. Before you marry there has to be some point at which you realize for yourself that you really want to be with your partner for the rest of your life. A point where you decide for yourself that others aren't just worth it anymore compared to your one and only. Assuming that the OP married for good reasons I'd suggest he'd find out exactly why he married his girl.

Personally I don't want to get married until I feel exactly the way I described above.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I think it's a matter of thinking of how much the OP's life would be enriched if he were to pursue sleeping with other women and the possible likely outcomes of this.

There are a number of permutations. Not many involve his wife. Some involve permanently excluding his wife from the course of his life forever.

One personal view I take when thinking about difficult decisions is: how will I feel about this a) as I'm doing it (if applicable), b) right after, c) next year and d) when I'm lying on my deathbed? And of course if this is going to make me a better or very awesome person.

I understand there are biological imperatives at work here so what I as a woman think is probably different to what guys might say. And how you might deal with it. So I'm interested to see what the guys say.


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Everbody likes pizza.... but not every meal. Sounds like you guys might want to 'expand your horizons'. It will depend on what you and your wife are comfortable with.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *norajane said*: It sounds like these two things are probably related. Meaning, if you were having hot monkey sex with your wife regularly, your desire for other women would not be so strong and getting stronger.
> 
> If that's the case, then I would tell her. It might help her realize that if she doesn't take your sex life seriously, your marriage is in trouble.
> 
> If sex sucks, your marriage is starting down a bad road and you need to work on this NOW before you a) cheat or b) end up back on TAM saying you've been in a sexless marriage for X or XX years


I agree with this.:iagree:



> *Open up now let it all go said*: What I do think is that OP needs to do some good soul-searching to put this at rest. Before you marry there has to be some point at which you realize for yourself that you really want to be with your partner for the rest of your life. *A point where you decide for yourself that others aren't just worth it anymore compared to your one and only.* Assuming that the OP married for good reasons I'd suggest he'd find out exactly why he married his girl.
> 
> Personally I don't want to get married until I feel exactly the way I described above.


what an interesting username ! You are wise to do just that -- to NOT marry until you have "peace" in your







with these things. 

Me & my husband has been each others '*one & only"* (together for 31 yrs total )....he has told me , even when things were dryer in the past, and he wanted more, He never wanted another woman. I believe him -because of how he has always treated me. For us... we revel in the "one & only" thing... this is so very rare in today's society....we hold it very dear, deeply special to us. 

It always saddens me to read of the stories where one is regretting this, feeling they missed out.

I was going to have him post on here but all he really said was - "sounds like HE really wants to try out some other women"...... We was reading this together earlier. 

I can , however, understand, if she is sourly lacking what excites you in the bedroom....that's our pleasure dome ..

I vote for throwing your everything into shaking up your marriage... 

If you are craving MORE variety, more novelty, more passion, more







and it's taking a toll on your happiness, she needs to hear you out....and understand how a man feels fulfilled in these things. Spicing is good, keeps the fire blazing...keeps the emotional connection fueled. >>> So she has the opportunity to work with you , grow with you, and Rock & roll with you. You both need a little stirring of the dopamine towards each other. Love is after all - a c0cktail of hormones...

But the question is... what do you REALLY want...more variety/spice enthusiam with your one & only....or another woman - because you have lost attraction to your wife ??


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

FredFredson, I am a woman, newly married, who has just been cheated on. I can't explain this from a man's point of view but let me tell you what my husband has gone through as a result of his indiscretions: I left him. Kicked him out. We separated. His family found out and are utterly ashamed of him. He had no place to live. He lost his closest friends because they didn't think he was capable of behaving in the manner he did (he cheated multiple times). His extended family found out and they no longer invite him to family events because they think he is a horrible person. His coworkers found out and now they all talk about him behind his back. He lost all respect he ever had from his family and friends. No one calls him anymore. They're disgusted with him. He's labeled as a cheater and a liar forever. 

In sum, my husband lost EVERYTHING. It is simply NOT WORTH IT. If you truly love your wife, you MUST talk about it. You must deal with your thoughts head on, and you must work on it TOGETHER.. not apart. Infidelity absolutely destroyed my husband's life. I bet he never, in a million years, thought his life would blow up like how it has. You two should go see a marriage counselor and deal with this together. Something is amiss in your marriage, something is not fulfilling. You need to be reborn together and rekindle it. Marriage is hard... I dont know anyone who has said otherwise. It will take work. Be prepared for it, but whatever happens, you must deal with the problem head on. Don't ignore it. Address it TOGETHER.


----------



## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Open up now let it all go said:


> What I do think is that OP needs to do some good soul-searching to put this at rest. Before you marry there has to be some point at which you realize for yourself that you really want to be with your partner for the rest of your life. A point where you decide for yourself that others aren't just worth it anymore compared to your one and only. Assuming that the OP married for good reasons I'd suggest he'd find out exactly why he married his girl.
> 
> Personally I don't want to get married until I feel exactly the way I described above.


I don't entirely agree with this. Some people are not as lucky as others when it comes to love. Some have many GFs/BFs before marrying and have lots of choice others struggle to get a single relationship going. I know that when I married I felt lucky to attain that one relationship. I was afraid that I would not manage to get any other woman - ever. 

I struggle with this same problem and sometimes get crushes on woman that fade away over time, as if these women lose their magic and become very plain to me. 

I throw myself into projects to avoid thoughts of other women. It keeps my mind busy and away from 'stepping over the edge.' 

That said if I had a good healthy sex life at home I'd not ever need to think of other birds.


----------



## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

this is one of the few things where you learn from others mistakes. take the other women hitting on you as a compliment. nothing more.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> this is one of the few things where you learn from others mistakes. take the other women hitting on you as a compliment. nothing more.


:iagree:

This is my attitude towards it.
It happens to my wife also, and we tease each other about it sometimes.


----------



## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> I don't entirely agree with this. Some people are not as lucky as others when it comes to love. Some have many GFs/BFs before marrying and have lots of choice others struggle to get a single relationship going. I know that when I married I felt lucky to attain that one relationship. I was afraid that I would not manage to get any other woman - ever.


If if you are unlucky with creating or sustaining relationships then I still think that you've got to make a decision that this is what you really want. I'm not doing any better either - she's my first and only - but I'm not going to marry her because I feel like I can't do any better. It would be insulting to my partner and tbh I'd rather be single if that would be the case.


----------



## fredfredson (Sep 19, 2012)

Thanks for the comments. There's a lot of encouraging thoughts and good advice here. I wonder if the root of this might be the fact that I haven't been feeling terribly close to her. We're working through problems and things have gotten a lot better though. But as things get better, my desires don't go away. Last night I dreamed that I had sex with another woman who admired and wanted me.

I can't hide the fact that I'm struggling either. She can tell I'm not happy and it hurts her. I think I'm going to have to tell her ... How do you tell somebody something like that? How do you change your own feelings? Why do I feel like this when I still love her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

fredfredson said:


> Thanks for the comments. There's a lot of encouraging thoughts and good advice here. I wonder if the root of this might be the fact that I haven't been feeling terribly close to her. We're working through problems and things have gotten a lot better though. But as things get better, my desires don't go away. Last night I dreamed that I had sex with another woman *who admired and wanted me*.


And there you have the root. This is what's feeding your fantasy. 



fredfredson said:


> I can't hide the fact that I'm struggling either. She can tell I'm not happy and it hurts her. I think I'm going to have to tell her ... How do you tell somebody something like that? How do you change your own feelings? I care about her and want her to be happy, but if she found another man that made her happy, I almost think I might be happy to let her go with him ...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is one of the biggest mistakes Christians make. And I say this as a Christian who use to make the same mistake. Everything is framed as a "struggle", with the ultimate bid being to change the thoughts, and feelings, you deem as negative and sinful.

Don't try and change how you feel. How you're feeling right now is a huge blessing because it's actually telling you that something is off inside of yourself. It's a signal that you need to be digging deep and really getting introspective about how you feel about yourself, your wife, and your marriage. This is one of those "it is good that I had been afflicted" moments. Do NOT spend a single moment trying to change how you feel. Embrace the feelings, and get to the bottom of them. You might discover that the yearning for an affair isn't even the real desire, but rather a superficial symptom of a much deeper issue. In this case it sounds like you just might be feeling unappreciated, unvalidated, disrespected, and ultimately undesired by your wife.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

fredfredson said:


> now I'm to the point that I honestly don't know if I can be satisfied like this. I love my wife very much and she's very beautiful, but deep down somewhere something is gnawing at me desiring the excitement of sex with other women. I've even gotten to the point that I've thought about divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


fredfredson,

The great Dr Sigmund Freud says that every man has in his heart a death wish. Once again, the great Dr is proved right and this is your death with. I know this because I have the same wish. I have made bad choices in my life and when I yielded to the thoughts you're having in times past, I ruined my own and several other beautiful, innocent people's lives. I thought I knew it all. I thought I could get away with anything. I am truly sorry for all the pain and suffering I caused but to be truthful, I still have these thoughts today (with a different woman who I haven't completely destroyed yet). My advice to you is no matter what you feel, no matter how justified you think you are, no matter how good you think it will be, don't do it.


----------



## Confused&tired (Nov 5, 2012)

I hate to break this to you........ but if you feel like this about sex then she might be thinking about what's missing on her side of the relationship too. Don't get so wrapped up in your own thoughts and desires that you forget to pay her the attention she needs from you. Or you might wind up with her doing something devastating to your marriage as well. I would also keep your desires to be with other women to yourself as Hope suggested. I don't think you would like hearing she wants to be with other men.


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

fredfredson said:


> I think I'm going to have to tell her ... How do you tell somebody something like that? _Posted via Mobile Device_


No...you don't have to tell her. At least not about your desire and urges to be sexually active with other women. I'm not saying to be dishonest, but there are smarter ways to have a conversation with her:
After setting aside some time where it is just the two of you (not in the bedroom)..."_Honey, we need to talk. I know that you have noticed me being unhappy lately and that things have been a little stressed/distant/non-intimate (your choice). I have been unhappy but I want to talk about what I see as the lack of passion in our marriage, specifically our sex life. I want to get that feeling back and I want your help in doing so, even if that means going to marriage counseling."_


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Fred, if only my husband had told me about his feelings BEFORE he acted on it... I wish he had. I would have been shocked at first, but after a bit of reflection, I would have been sooooo grateful that he told me beforehand. It would show me that he cared about me enough as his wife to want to deal with the problem TOGETHER. That's it. Deal with it TOGETHER. She's your wife. You two should probably go to a counselor. Jaquen is right: you're not feeling admired, wanted, or appreciated. Deal with the problem. Don't hide it. Face it head on and have faith that god will get you through this. Just don't stray off his path like my husband. It won't end well if you do!


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Marriage depends on communication.

Being attracted to other women is not uncommon - it's entirely natural (and many married women feel attraction to other men.)

However, although it's natural, doesn't mean it's a good idea. Dwelling on it is likely to hurt your marriage.

Do talk to your wife about it. She can't help you unless she knows. And what help can she give you? Well, one she gets over the initial shock and possible dissapointment (which she should - although she probably won't like it) she can:
- Turn up the heat in the bedroom for you
- Discuss fantasies
- Role play, pretending to be another woman for you
- Read erotic literature together
- Read sex instruction manual/watch instructional DVDs - they can be a lot of fun to play with together

All of these thinsg can help address the natural human need for variety in sex (the male brain, specifically, is fairly easy to fool this way.) If she dresses up for you, it can really help with these sorts of desires.

What I don't suggest is threesomes, open marriage or swinging. Never tried them myself, but from what I've seen, it rarely helps, and is always a bad idea if there are weaknesses in the marriage already.

My wife knows I find other women attractive - we discuss it occasionally. But she also knows that I find her more sexy and beautiful than anyone else, and that I'm happy with her. And we're very playful together.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

We are hardwired to procreate. The Neanderthal in us wants to spread his seed far and wide. You have to decide will you be that cave-dweller Or honor your vows and your wife. Thats really what it comes down to. 

Choose wisely grasshopper!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Frad

Sooner or later you are going to realize its just sex. No matter how many women you do it with it is just sex.

Focus on your iwfe. Talk to her about how you are feeling. Because sex with your wife should feel like love. 

And that is what makes it different aka better in my opinion.

Be honest with your wife.

HM64


----------



## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Hell yes I think about other women often and we have a good sex life I just had one of the most beautiful women I have ever met live next to us for the past year until she moved and I thought about what is what have been like to be with her for a few times but I also imgained my wife finding out sitting in a ball crying and that thought devestated me but fantasy can still be good[lol].

I always just liked the new sex with a new partner part of dating,because you can't wait to see each other to get it on and its just carzy so I do miss that part of dating life. 

I do have to agree and say that all pu$$y is different which also makes it fun so your boyfreind was saying what you wanted to hear.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Victim789 said:


> Fred, if only my husband had told me about his feelings BEFORE he acted on it... I wish he had. I would have been shocked at first, but after a bit of reflection, I would have been sooooo grateful that he told me beforehand. It would show me that he cared about me enough as his wife to want to deal with the problem TOGETHER. That's it. Deal with it TOGETHER. She's your wife. You two should probably go to a counselor. Jaquen is right: you're not feeling admired, wanted, or appreciated. Deal with the problem. Don't hide it. Face it head on and have faith that god will get you through this. Just don't stray off his path like my husband. It won't end well if you do!


This is right... DO NOT HIDE IT ...







...

a Peice of my Transparency  thread here:



> But this is real life.......Sometimes our HEART may become unsettled, conflicted for whatever reason, we are tempted to pick up a mask, maybe we wear many masks ! BUt with our spouse, we should need none. ....We need to take these unhealhty "stirrings" to our spouse , go to them humbly- heartfully, at this point these things are very small "breaks", only seeds.... this is radical mind you -but this *IS *transparency at it's core......
> 
> We do this.....because we LOVE & RESPECT our spouses, We throw away the excuses, no grass growing under our feet, we REFUSE to go the easy way of "hiding". ...... Never Never Never underestimate the power of Secrets, it is the beginning of every Slippery Slope that leads to the death of something that once was "beautiful".
> 
> ...


Living a High Definition, Transparent Marriage - Focus on the Family


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


----------



## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

norajane said:


> It sounds like these two things are probably related. Meaning, if you were having hot monkey sex with your wife regularly, your desire for other women would not be so strong and getting stronger.
> 
> If that's the case, then I would tell her. It might help her realize that if she doesn't take your sex life seriously, your marriage is in trouble.
> 
> If sex sucks, your marriage is starting down a bad road and you need to work on this NOW before you a) cheat or b) end up back on TAM saying you've been in a sexless marriage for X or XX years.


So true! For many reasons, this is where I find my marriage right now. 8 years in and the sex life is pretty much dead. The wife knows it, that it's her fault, and she's not sure she can fix it. Maybe she doesn't want to, and then I'm not sure what to do. We have 2 kids! Anyway, she needs to take your needs seriously and know that you are struggling in the marriage. You may not need to come right out and say that you're thinking of other women, but you should be honest that your lack of intimacy and adventerous sex is very hard for you. Also, ask her if it's something you're doing to create this. Are you acting in unloving ways? Are you not romantic, but just wanting sex? You should ask her.


----------



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Spend all the energy you are burning thinking about other women on romancing your wife and you will relight her inner glow and get all the former delights yu one had. Women want to be pursued. It used to be what you wanted to do because you wanted some. Got to get back to that. It pays off. Ive done it.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The worse is when you meet an absolute beauty, and then see your wife, and find that this particular woman has managed to rob you of your desire for your wife. It only lasts a few hours to a day, but it does get challenging at times especially when you know your wife is expecting you to do this and do that for her - but you lost your mood. 

It's just lust. After a while you learn how to control your thoughts and even stop the crush from happening in the first place by refusing to pick up on the turn ons. It's just something you learn as time goes by.

Remember -> God gave you a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run ONE at a time! So, try not to think with your 'second brain'.


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Do you want relationships with other women or is it purely sexual?

If you read this board (sex room mainly) you'll see that this is very common. 24 and 26 is young for this to be happening. If and when children are in the equation, the gap in needs could widen. Your sexual needs as a couple will take a backseat to child's needs and the increased stress of providing for a family. Sorry for being doom and gloom.

I agree with others that you should work together with her on this. How much have you tried to communicate how you are feeling? How has she responded? The challenge is that if she doesn't have similar needs, it will be very hard to resolve.


----------



## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

No struggle on my part even though my wife is struggling on her side with urge to be with other men.........my story all over TAM.

Do I have physical attraction to women....yes! Does my mind wander over to sexual thoughts......only on rare situations where the woman has a certain physical appearance 

Now the BIG concern comes in when someone who really catches your eye also catches your mind......watch-out!

Bottom line--I made marriage vows and will stick by them. Also I have read enough horror stories of affairs on TAM to scare the living [email protected] out of me! :lol:


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

fredfredson said:


> I'm 26 and my wife is 24 and absolutely gorgeous. We've been married almost 4 years. Things have been better and worse, and over the past couple years the sex has been a lot less frequent and passionate than I'd like, and unfulfilling for me. The problem I have right now is that over the past 6 months I've been feeling stronger and stronger desires to be with other women. My wife and I are each each other's one-and-only and I find myself feeling like I missed out on the young single life. I used to want to fix our sex issues, but now I'm to the point that I honestly don't know if I can be satisfied like this. I love my wife very much and she's very beautiful, but deep down somewhere something is gnawing at me desiring the excitement of sex with other women. I've even gotten to the point that I've thought about divorce.
> 
> Please withhold the critical and judgmental comments. I've been true to my marital vows and not acted on what I've felt. I'm simply asking about powerful desires that came very much not by conscious choice. I wish they could just go away. My questions are these: Is this an uncommon thing? How do other husbands cope with their biological impulses? Should I tell her or would that just do more harm than good?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Get a divorce. At 26 and married for the lifetime that you have been, just leave and do her a favor. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

fredfredson said:


> I'm 26 and my wife is 24 and absolutely gorgeous. We've been married almost 4 years. Things have been better and worse, and over the past couple years the sex has been a lot less frequent and passionate than I'd like, and unfulfilling for me. The problem I have right now is that over the past 6 months I've been feeling stronger and stronger desires to be with other women. My wife and I are each each other's one-and-only and I find myself feeling like I missed out on the young single life. I used to want to fix our sex issues, but now I'm to the point that I honestly don't know if I can be satisfied like this. I love my wife very much and she's very beautiful, but deep down somewhere something is gnawing at me desiring the excitement of sex with other women. I've even gotten to the point that I've thought about divorce.
> 
> Please withhold the critical and judgmental comments. I've been true to my marital vows and not acted on what I've felt. I'm simply asking about powerful desires that came very much not by conscious choice. I wish they could just go away. My questions are these: Is this an uncommon thing? How do other husbands cope with their biological impulses? Should I tell her or would that just do more harm than good?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You MARRIED her, man up, stop looking. YOU need to choose what to do, not let your lust do it for you. 

You really, REALLY need to seriously work on your relationship with your wife. The fact that you're thrill seeking already means you have little communication and you're not engaging in a deeper relationship. Get to it. Get a counselor, get books, and get working on it. Or, be a serial disappointment to your wife and yourself for the rest of your life. 

Yeah, men lust after women. REAL men act on principle and stop doing it. You need a true loving relationship instead of just wanting hotter sex.


----------



## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

So lets say you meet another woman and the sex is hot do you not think that is going to slow down after a few months and real life set in and back in then you go back to thee same issue unless you are a serious player and get different women all the time but that gets old to and then there are STDs and maybe getting somebody pregnant.

You have a hot wife now, so work on things in your sex life and see if she is up for fixing the problems becuse maybe she is waiting for you to start the conversation.Talk to her about being experimental with sex undies and toys ect.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

When I was in HS I thought I was with the love of my life, we dated through college until he decided that he needed to have sex with other people, because he couldn't live with only having sex with one woman. It broke my heart, we had talked about getting married and were serious. We broke up and he had what he claimed were bad experiences with other women. 
We got back together and then would break up, had a FWB thing for a while and then I just told him I couldn't take it anymore and that was it. 
Two years ago I talked to him on Facebook after 18 yearsand he told me how much he regretted treating me that way, that he didn't appreciate me and he adored me and didn't know why he was so awful. 
He could have been lying obviously but I did get the sense that he truly regretted it. Now he is alone raising his son because the mother has major mental issues. 
Think long term. What do you want your life to look like 10, 15 , 20 years from now?
NSA sex is kind of awkward, most men are very wary of bunny boilers and psychos who think they are your gf after sex, or who try to get pregnant on purpose. Honestly most younger women don't really know what they are doing or what they want anyway so I doubt it's going to be that great. 
Add in the guilt and possibility of STDs and it takes away the fun. 
Work on your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

fredfredson said:


> I wonder if the root of this might be the fact that I haven't been feeling terribly close to her. We're working through problems and things have gotten a lot better though. But as things get better, my desires don't go away. Last night I dreamed that I had sex with another woman who admired and wanted me.
> 
> I can't hide the fact that I'm struggling either. She can tell I'm not happy and it hurts her. I think I'm going to have to tell her ... How do you tell somebody something like that? How do you change your own feelings? Why do I feel like this when I still love her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fred, I think you are confusing things a bit.

First off, thinking about sex and dreaming about sex is a totally normal thing. At your age you should be sexually attracted to many women every day. There is nothing abnormal about this. There is nothing shameful or dirty about it. There is nothing about it which is cheating your wife.

The more frequently my wife and I have sex, the more I think about sex overall. In my job I have had many opportunities made available, and because I travel we always have a hotel room to go to. So yes I have felt lust for many women and yes I have had opportunity. It would be a lie to pretend there is only one female on the entire planet who is sexually attractive to me!

I think your problem is as you stated, there are issues in your marriage. It would do no good to admit to your wife you are thinking about other women sexually. It should in fact be expected that both of you have sexual thoughts about other people. As long as it does not become an emotional attachment it is not cheating.

Mrs. Jones across the street is hot! But I have no intention of following up on becoming involved with her. Your wife might find Mr. Jones hot. She definitely finds some men hot. That is not a problem in your marriage.

If sex is a problem in your marriage, work on sex in your marriage. If emotional intimacy is a problem in your marriage, work on that. Read "5 Love Languages" and the other books recommended here.

Enjoy seeing other women who are attractive. Enjoy feeling attracted to them. Smelling the aroma of bread cooking as you pass the bakery walking home does nothing but increase your enjoyment of dinner when you get there.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

fredfredson said:


> The problem I have right now is that over the past 6 months I've been feeling stronger and stronger desires to be with other women. *My wife and I are each each other's one-and-only and I find myself feeling like I missed out on the young single life.*
> 
> I love my wife very much and she's very beautiful, but deep down somewhere something is gnawing at me desiring the excitement of sex with other women.
> 
> ...


I should answer your direct questions, too.

I was a virgin when I met my wife. She was not. Yes I have wondered what I am missing. When I married her it was a conscious decision to give up other women, yet as problems in the marriage surfaced I have wondered if it was a good decision. Even today I find myself wondering if I am shortchanging myself.

As far as talking to your wife about it, I have mixed feelings. It depends on your wife and also on how fragile you think your marriage is. I believe in full open honesty in a marriage, and so I think it would be best to discuss your feelings. Not saying that you are unhappy you married her, but that your lizard brain wiring sometimes takes you to thoughts of wondering what you have missed. Your wife may have similar thoughts, and if you two are positive and supportive of each other it could be a good thing to be open about your struggles. But if she is insecure or if the marriage is fragile it might be better unsaid.

What is it you think you missed? Why do you think that? Is it realistic what you are thinking? Are you wanting just physical sex with other women or are you regretting not having other _relationships_? Would sex with another woman then make you feel content in your marriage? What would make your marriage more satisfactory to you today? What if your wife gave you a free pass to go have sex with one other woman to get it out of your system?

My counselor asks me a lot of questions that probe deeper attitudes and preconceptions. I find it helpful in understanding myself and in finding good solutions.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I'll have to say I went through the "I think I missed out" a few times when I was young. Then not long ago, I saw a couple of my "opportunities" (that I didn't take) and suddenly was immensely glad I did not. 

They might have been "hot" when they were young, but my gawd, they're positively hideous people now. Looked like meth head types to me. 

Keeping vows, making the right decisions, living clean and straight... These habits pay off. I might feel like my life is a wreck right now, but when I see what happened to others who did live the party life when I was young, and then see my own life, I suddenly feel rather privileged. It's worth it. 

Get to work on that relationship with your wife, and don't let the urges in your pants make you do stupid things. You'll never, EVER regret it when you're older.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Been there done that, trust me if you really love her you won't go there.

We weren't each other's 1st but when I was younger, if it was a human female that was half way decent looking they were all fair game. I held it in check for a long time but eventually it spilled out and 1 long term affair (3 months) and 4 or 5 ONS later and it almost cost me one of the most important person in my life at the time.

You do not want to be where I was.....

Truth be told, if my wife would not have taken me back, I would have gone on my Asian world tour and slept with as many women as I could from every single asian culture. I know I would not have re-married but lived the life of a bachelor tagging everything that moved like some of my single friends now a days.

You envy their life, but trust me, they envy your life more.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fred, 
You are very cryptic. 

Do you have kids? Why are you two not feeling close? 

You seem a bit confused so let me try to help you. 

It is an act of emotional aggression to jump straight to: 'I am feeling a strong desire to be with other women'. 

The constructive approach goes like this: As a young healthy man I actually feel bad when we have less than a certain amount of sex. I don't feel close to you when that happens. 

Step 2
Without kids, our sex life is already broken. I would not consider adding kids to the mix given our lack of compatibility. Followed by constant use of condoms so you retain control of procreation.


----------



## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

You have to ask yourself "am I a man of honour? Do I have integrity? Do I really love the woman I made promises of fidelity to? If you answered yes to these questions, then GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF. 

Holy jeeze man. This is not about YOU. This is about each other. What does "forsaking all others" mean? What does it mean to "have only unto you". 

You are not God's gift to womankind. Stop thinking of just yourself and start thinking of your marriage as a team. How would you feel if she started thinking about you this way?


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

When you get married that young, it's natural to wonder about other women. But don't be shocked if you find out your wife is thinking along the same lines about other guys. If both of you are happy, thoughts are where it will end. Keep it at that and keep your mouth shut.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> If your wife were taking care of you at home you probably wouldn't be having these thoughts.


This is certainly not a universal truth. I've known guys who get all the sex they want at home but chose to cheat as well.


----------

