# How much sex would be enough?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I wanted to design a poll that is based on average, to get an idea of how that plays out in most relationships. 

As for my wife, our sex life is very satisfying, but she always leaves me wanting a little more. I have grown to actually think that may be my sweet spot as the saying goes, "always leave someone wanting more!." As it turns out, this falls right into the statistical average of 2-3 times a week. 

While I could probably have sex everyday. Average is actually enough!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I would be plenty happy with 2-3x a week, so right in line with the average. Multiple times a day, that sounds exhausting :grin2:


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I could manage with only having sex 2-3 times a week, but why? We have sex at least 5 times a week right now, and I love it! I find my wife very HOT, and holding it in like that would be torture for me..., especially when she is willing whenever I want her.:wink2:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For an old fart like myself, "average" would be the rough equivalent of Shangri-la!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

2-3 times a week would be a dream come true .... Lucky if its 2-3 times a year!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Are we talking about minimum service level, or happiness producing level, or wear that thing out level?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

before my testosterone levels fell off the charts, I wanted it 3 or 4 times a day (unrealistic to expect but fun to want)

While getting my Tlvls corrected, I wanted it maybe once every few months

Now that my Tlvls are normalized (although they are still on the low end of the scale), I want it daily, with only time off due to illness.

unfortunately my reality is my SO only wants it 5 or 6 times a year (well let's be honest, my SO probably wants it all the time, just only allow the act to occur 5 or 6 times a year with me).


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I was in an SSM and had the Sex Therapist (who was helping my wife and me) ask me during one session to think about and report back at the next session what sexual frequency would preserve the marriage and provide me with happiness. 

I thought about the entire spectrum of 3 times a day to what I had been living with which was nothing and a few months prior once every month or so. 

I stated to the ST that 3 times a week would be something which would allow me to feel like I was emotionally connected to my wife and keep me very happy. The ST asked why not 3 times a day. I explained my reasons. 

The ST asked my wife if she had ever had sex with me 3 times a week during the course of our marriage. My wife said yes. The ST said fine, you are physically & emotionally capable of meeting his needs, now you just need to decide if you want to stay married or not.

After about a month my wife begged the ST to renegotiate the frequency to twice a week. The ST asked me if when I had been having sex once every month or two, if twice a week would have been a dream come true. I answered that yes, it would have. She then told me to suck it up and feel blessed with twice a week. Then she told my wife, not to try to renegotiate the frequency again, or it would mean that my wife just wasn't interested in saving the marriage.

The point of this long answer is two fold.

(1) "enough sex" is not something that "one" person can decide and impose on the other. It is a compromise between two people. I will again refer to David Schnarch who points out that every aspect of marriage is a compromise, including sexual acts and frequency, along with what you eat for dinner.

(2) Your 2-3 times a week sounds "reasonable" to me, based on my situation, but that really doesn't apply to anyone else.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

At 60, regular bowel movements are more important than regular sex.

We have sex about once a week and I am very good with that. Rejections from my wife are rare.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Oh, Lord! In my advanced state of dotage, the best that I could ever hope to pray for is if only bowel movements could be made to promote orgasms!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wellseasoned (Jan 8, 2016)

I don't think there is anything that is average, it either happens or it doesn't. 
Most cases, its usually more in the beginning then tapers off as the relationship moves forward or as we age.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I might could deal with once a month. When my hormones, the moon and the stars all align correctly I MIGHT want it once a month. That is at the absolute max. I am extremely LD, and am in T for issues, and I take an antidepressant that totally kills your sex drive. Maybe instead of praying my H will quit asking, I should ask the dr to give him some anti depressants. It would be a win win. HE needs them and I need his lack of sex drive.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> I might could deal with once a month.


 @Big Mama If for you, you could exchange sex for the act of someone caring about you and doing something very romantic (without any expectations of intercourse) just because they love you, how often would you want/need that to feel happy?

I am asking you in this manner because of your other thread on CSA, and to help you see this question from a more "positive" point of view of how I intended for people to answer it. 

Sincerely, 
Badsanta


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> I might could deal with once a month. When my hormones, the moon and the stars all align correctly I MIGHT want it once a month. That is at the absolute max. I am extremely LD, and am in T for issues, and I take an antidepressant that totally kills your sex drive. Maybe instead of praying my H will quit asking, I should ask the dr to give him some anti depressants. It would be a win win. HE needs them and I need his lack of sex drive.


*Just asking: Instead of getting some meds to retard your H's sex drive, so that it might better resemble your almost nonexistent one, why don't you just get yourself some meds to help promote your very own, to better match your H's relatively normal sex drive?

Live a little! It may well be a "game changer!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I voted "more than average". Even at my age, there doesn't seem to be any slowing of my libido. I could probably survive with 2-3 times a week. 

When I was married, I wanted her all the time...seriously! In reality, I was lucky to get it once a week. Now that I'm divorced, I can have it whenever I want...with myself :frown2:


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am laughing because your poll is showing how many times a week rather than how many times a day. When I was younger, twice a day, every day, was enough. When I hit my 40's I was down 4-5 times a week and that was mostly in threesomes with our girlfriend. In my sixties I am down to 2-3 a week but would have sex every day if my wife was willing. I cannot complain though. None of my old friends even have sex now. Their wives are just not interested. For them, it would be maybe a few times a year on special occasions, and that is sex with someone who is not into it, but doing it out of love.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Finally got to the point where I realized that starfish sex is worse than no sex. So right now zero sex is optimal. How much would be sufficient if I had a willing partner available? I have absolutely no idea. I never had a partner (before or after marriage) who provided sex as often as 2 - 3 times a week. So I don't know if what I want (after the starvation pangs go away) is more or less than that frequency.

I will say that as I have aged, the frequency of masturbation has gone way down. Was more than once a day until my mid 40s. Once a day in my late 40s. Now in my 50s it is several times a week. Wonder if I would have wanted sex that often if it had been available. Oh well, no way to go back and find out.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Big Mama said:


> I might could deal with once a month. When my hormones, the moon and the stars all align correctly I MIGHT want it once a month. That is at the absolute max. I am extremely LD, and am in T for issues, and I take an antidepressant that totally kills your sex drive. Maybe instead of praying my H will quit asking, I should ask the dr to give him some anti depressants. It would be a win win. HE needs them and I need his lack of sex drive.


Big Mama, I know you have had a rough go of it in your life. I've gathered that from your other posts, and I honestly don't know how to help you overcome some of the psychological obstacles you have because of it, but you really should work on overcoming them. Those things that happened to you are NOT YOUR FAULT, and there is NO REASON on earth that you shouldn't find a way to enjoy the pleasures that sex can bring with a person you love. I'm praying for you, that somehow, some way, you will find a way to TRUST again, and feel the joy that sex can bring in life. Sexual abuse can absolutely RUIN a person's future sex life if they allow the abuser to continue to take that joy away, even when they are no longer a threat. Your SO must REALLY LOVE YOU if he's willing to stay with you even though you have seemingly resigned to the fact that you can't or won't to get past those hang ups.

I'm not at all trying to be mean about this, and I can honestly say I have no idea what you've been through, but I also believe that you have to come to a point where the abuse from your past can't be the DICTATOR of your future.

Sex is something that absolutely wonderful with the right person!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I could easily go for 3-5 times a day.

10x a day when I have the day off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @Big Mama If for you, you could exchange sex for the act of someone caring about you and doing something very romantic (without any expectations of intercourse) just because they love you, how often would you want/need that to feel happy?
> 
> I am asking you in this manner because of your other thread on CSA, and to help you see this question from a more "positive" point of view of how I intended for people to answer it.
> 
> ...



Ok. In a perfect world, in order to feel happy from someone doing something nice for me just because..... hum, I guess that would be 2 or 3 times a week. Just a simple reminder I am loved. 

I do try to show my H love in other ways. I cook for him. Not jsut open a can, I mean pork chops , green beans, mashed potatoes, and desert several times a week. I pack his lunch and try to put special things in it so he doesn't have to eat the same ole stuff. I bring him coffee to work when it is cold out, or sweetened tea when it is hot. He is in construction. I do want him to know he is loved, just sex is not the best way for ME to show that.



Luvher4life said:


> I honestly don't know how to help you overcome some of the psychological obstacles you have because of it, but you really should work on overcoming them. Sexual abuse can absolutely RUIN a person's future sex life if they allow the abuser to continue to take that joy away. Your SO must REALLY LOVE YOU if he's willing to stay with you even though you have seemingly resigned to the fact that you can't or won't to get past those hang ups.
> 
> Sex is something that absolutely wonderful with the right person


True, and I am working on getting past this, and I vow one day I WILL have a sex life that is somewhat normal. I deserve that, and my husband deserves that to. I am going through a tough time at the moment, but the path to healing and getting this straightened out is right before me and I WILL not live this way forever and give the abuser my happiness.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Big Mama said:


> Ok. In a perfect world, in order to feel happy from someone doing something nice for me just because..... hum, I guess that would be 2 or 3 times a week. Just a simple reminder I am loved.
> 
> I do try to show my H love in other ways. I cook for him. Not jsut open a can, I mean pork chops , green beans, mashed potatoes, and desert several times a week. I pack his lunch and try to put special things in it so he doesn't have to eat the same ole stuff. I bring him coffee to work when it is cold out, or sweetened tea when it is hot. He is in construction. I do want him to know he is loved, just sex is not the best way for ME to show that.
> 
> ...


I think that the suggestion that was made to you and the above response was geared at is a very good suggestion.

Let me explain a little bit. I was in a sex starved marriage. My wife and I didn't have sex for months at a time. I felt I was married to a frigid woman, but I was wrong. It took reading and understanding the book by Chapman called the 5 Languages of Love for me to understand what was happening.

My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation or praise. My wife's primary and secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. (the 5th language is presents as in gifts.)

When my wife wants to show me how much she loves me she cooks a really great home made meal for me and has it ready when I get home from work. That is how her mother showed her father love. For me a home cooked meal is nice, I like it, but it doesn't make me feel loved like my wife running her fingers through the hair on my head or holding my hand. Those are the things that make me feel loved. Or when my wife tells me how proud she is of something I have done, that makes me feel loved and cherished.

When my wife wants to feel loved she needs quality time and acts of service. I give her quality time and acts of service by getting up first, bringing her coffee in bed to wake up with. Drinking my coffee in bed with her and then when we are both awake talking about what we will do that day. That is how she feels loved and cherished in her love languages at the beginning of the day.

The point that was made to you is that there are things other than sex that make us feel loved and cherished. What was suggested is that you explore what those things are that make you feel loved and cherished and how you express love.

I urge you to read and study Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. I understand you CSA issues, but Chapman's insights are incredible and sex is not a "love language."

Good luck.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I have read that book. My love language is acts of service and words of affirmation. My H's are words of affirmation and whatever the physical contact one was. I agree that was a great book. I recommend that book to anyone. If you are going to be married or in a committed relationship then that is certainly a book you should read. It should be required of everyone to read before they get married, or they should have to attend a seminar based on that book. It would save many a marriage/relationship.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Our norm is daily plus extras and that is just fine. However the last 2 weeks are down to about 5 x per week as I am having some health issues. 

It is actually making me quite sad that things are as they are but I am determined to not let anything get the better of me and to get back to normal asap.

Mr H is such a Gentleman and wants to cuddle me and hold back from sex. We had a talk last night about that as I want him to understand I am not going to break if he asks for what he wants, it will either happen or it won't depending on how I feel.


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## Imissmywife (Jan 29, 2016)

NorCalMan said:


> 2-3 times a week would be a dream come true .... Lucky if its 2-3 times a year!



I'm lucky if it's once every 2-3 years. Used to be every other day. Now more like every other year.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm at once a week, and it's fine. Not ideal, but enough.

What I don't have is fooling around, making out, touching, etc. on the other days. For whatever reason, my wife is an "all or nothing" partner.

We're having sex once a week, and at all other times, any sort of sexuality whatsoever is a no-go, including flirting and innuendo.

So basically, our sex life no longer holds any sort of anticipation or excitement for me. It happens either Friday or Saturday night, right before we go to bed, and it happens the same way. It depends on what she wears to bed that night. That's my indication that she's receptive to it. If it doesn't happen Friday night, then I know it'll be Saturday. If it's Friday, then I know it won't be again on Saturday.

But the rest of the week, there's no foreplay (mental or otherwise) and no anticipation or excitement of the possibility of something happening. It's a no-go 6 of 7 nights a week. There are 168 hours in a week. There is absolutely zero sexuality in 167 hours and ~40 minutes of it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

alexm said:


> I'm at once a week, and it's fine. Not ideal, but enough.
> 
> What I don't have is fooling around, making out, touching, etc. on the other days. For whatever reason, my wife is an "all or nothing" partner.
> 
> We're having sex once a week, and at all other times, any sort of sexuality whatsoever is a no-go, including flirting and innuendo.


 @alexm IMO I think it is helpful to be playfully romantic in ways that force your wife to think and contemplate about her sexuality without necessarily imposing the acts you mention, "fooling around, making out, touching." 

An example might be to accuse her of dressing in a way that makes her look sexy. Tell her it turns you on, that you find the thoughts of her in your mind at this moment are VERY distracting, and ask her to change into something a little more bland! If done correctly, she will laugh and ask you "what" you are thinking (much like a fish biting a hook). Then tell her you are too ashamed to talk about it and leave it at that. This creates an element of "mystery" that will make her wonder and become *curious*. 

When you think about ways to make her more sexual, think of ways to spark her *curiosity*. The more she thinks about sex, the more sexual she will become.

There is a prominent TV/Movie producer that captured an innocent version of this idea by never opening a childhood gift that he received at Christmas. He keeps it on the mantle so that he is reminded about it everyday and wonders with "curiosity" what might be inside it. Ask yourself if perhaps it is this curiosity that likely fuels his respective passion towards his work? 

My wife often tells me stories about how she discovered her own sexuality, BUT there are key details she omits and says, "wouldn't you like to know!" And she will never tell me "what" it was she really that she discovered that she really liked. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## TheMoon (Feb 3, 2016)

I said above average, but that is only for an ideal. If the quality was good, twice a week would be fine. Unfortunately, the quality is starfish, so I want more, but also don't want more since it sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I am laughing because someone said it decreased to five times a week.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

For me, 3-4 times a week is good. Also, it depends on the intensity of my orgasm. If I have a dead orgasm (where if I'm about to ejaculate and she throws off the rhythm or stops) I will be left feeling unsatisfied and crave more sex soon afterwards, but if I come hard and it's satisfying, 2-3 times a week might do the trick.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> As for my wife, our sex life is very satisfying, but she always leaves me wanting a little more. I have grown to actually think that may be my sweet spot as the saying goes, "always leave someone wanting more!."


By complete coincidence, my wife made this comment to me just after going at it.

MRS BADSANTA: You know I have the solution to solve ALL the sexual problems there are in every marriage and I can sum it up in one sentence.

BADSANTA: What would that be?

MRS BADSANTA: To make your husband think he can NOT have sex with you while at the same time you are having sex with him. All men want what they "think" they can not have. 

BADSANTA: Some people would probably have a few questions as to "how" you accomplish that.

MRS BADSANTA: Yes... now that would be a fun instructional video to watch! (We are watching Masters of Sex, so that is probably where that comment came from as she complains all the sex scenes in that show are just boring)

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

badsanta said:


> By complete coincidence, my wife made this comment to me just after going at it.
> 
> MRS BADSANTA: You know I have the solution to solve ALL the sexual problems there are in every marriage and I can sum it up in one sentence.
> 
> ...


Pretty funny and might even be true sometimes.

I prefer my wife to be a brazen penis hound around me, but to each their own!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Okguy said:


> I am laughing because someone said it decreased to five times a week.


Yeah, cos it is hilarious when someone has health issues that impact their sex life. Cheers for that.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Did I miss something?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Not married yet...but engaged. We have sex just about every day. I wonder if this will change after we marry.  (I voted ''average'' for me to be satisfied, but for my fiance...above average if the average really is 2 to 3x per week)


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Vinnydee said:


> *I am laughing because* your poll is showing how many times a week rather than how many times a day. When I was younger, twice a day, every day, was enough. When I hit my 40's I was down 4-5 times a week and that was mostly in threesomes with our girlfriend. In my sixties I am down to 2-3 a week but would have sex every day if my wife was willing. I cannot complain though. None of my old friends even have sex now. Their wives are just not interested. For them, it would be maybe a few times a year on special occasions, and that is sex with someone who is not into it, but doing it out of love.





Okguy said:


> *I am laughing because* someone said it decreased to five times a week.





Holland said:


> Yeah, cos it is hilarious when someone has health issues that impact their sex life. Cheers for that.





Okguy said:


> Did I miss something?


I don't know, if @Vinnydee claims he would want to go everyday in his 60s, I'd say the he is dealing with health issues that might land him a role as the "energizer bunny" or something like that! 
@Okguy I'll drink to that! Cheers! Hey, I'm younger than Vinny and would NOT be able to keep up with him! I'm laughing, not sure at what though! I think I am making fun of myself, perhaps you were too! 

Badsanta


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Okguy said:


> Did I miss something?


Yes, this


> However the last 2 weeks are down to about 5 x per week* as I am having some health issues*.


Now if there is another posted that is also down to 5 x per week it would be helpful if you could say who it is you are actually laughing at.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Health issues can't be serious if someone is having sex five times a week.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Not married yet...but engaged. We have sex just about every day. I wonder if this will change after we marry.  (I voted ''average'' for me to be satisfied, but for my fiance...above average if the average really is 2 to 3x per week)


As time passes everything changes. Well... actually everything stays exactly the same but you start finding out way more about the person you are spending your life with. Odds are you will find out stuff like:

• He obsessively watches porn.
• He still hangs onto his childhood blanket.
• He values his mom's opinion more than yours.
• He complains about you to his mom.
• His mom buys his cloths.
• He smokes pot.
• His mom grows his pot. 
• His mom will not share said pot with you because she is so freaking upset about how you took away her son's blanket and ridiculed him for still having it, and you thought it was so gross how he masturbated with it and never washed it, this was only because YOU should have been kind enough to wash it for him!!! However she will never tell you this to your face.

...other than that all the sex stuff stays the same or gets better/worse depending on how you handle the stuff above!

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> As time passes everything changes. Well... actually everything stays exactly the same but you start finding out way more about the person you are spending your life with. Odds are you will find out stuff like:
> 
> • He obsessively watches porn.
> • He still hangs onto his childhood blanket.
> ...


:surprise: Time to call off this engagement!!


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

my experience has been very dependent on what stage of life we have been in
dating, early marriage-most days 
1 kid-3x a week
2 kids 2-3x a week
3 kids 1-2x times a week
after i hit 40-1x a week
after i hit 50 1x a week(starfish)
then a dry spell of 1x a month 
after I went on wellbutrin (and suspected he was having an ea/pa) 7x a week(hysterical bonding)
after hysterical bonding-4-5x a week

all of these amounts were satisfying to me- I suspect only the hysterical bonding amount was completely satisfying to H.
I really had no idea he was such a HD person as he always let me set the frequency and never really complained too much


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Okguy said:


> Health issues can't be serious if someone is having sex five times a week.


I never said the issues were life threatening. They are enough to make me exhausted which is not the norm, add to that invasive tests and stress and yeah it is enough to change the normal weekly routine. I love my partner though and covert our bond so even though I am not at optimal health I refuse to let the sex life suffer.

Still not seeing any humour in others misfortune or decrease in frequency despite the reason. Maybe bc I have BTDT and have empathy for others.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Holland -- he's laughing not because of your illness or because your sex life has suffered, but because at 5x a week, you're still getting the booty way more often than most of the other people on this thread! I don't think he really meant any harm by it--the juxtaposition is a little amusing. 

People who aren't quite as HD as you will have a hard time understanding what you're upset about.

(I totally get it. When I get remarried, I'm writing it into the pre-nup or my vows that daily sex is a requirement, except in the case of legitimate illness. No 2-3x a week for me, nope!)


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OK FIP, might just be too touchy a subject for me and I can't see the humour. All good though, I guess there is some irony there but honestly it is such an important subject for me and I am probably clouded by past stuff. 

FWIW we have a verbal agreement here that if things start to wain for reasons other than illness etc that we will discuss what is going on.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> OK FIP, might just be too touchy a subject for me and I can't see the humour. All good though, I guess there is some irony there but honestly it is such an important subject for me and I am probably clouded by past stuff.
> 
> FWIW we have a verbal agreement here that if things start to wain for reasons other than illness etc that we will discuss what is going on.


I would be touchy about it if it were me, too! Plus, you've got the stress from the health issues... not to mention other sh!t going on. I hope everything works out


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

My SO's health issues have cause my sex life to be non-existant forever! Close to forever anyways... I was a 15 year old virgin when we got together (stayed one for a couple years after). He has never been able to get hard even with medication. Priaprism at a very young age due to his sickle cell added to his inheritently low blood count made it so. We made it work in the early years... had 2 kids despite never getting more than the tip. It never bothered me, I didnt know any better (still dont in case anyone is wondering). 

But for the last 3 years or so he gets extreme pain, to the point he gets physically sick, anytime his heart rate rises... obviously this includes anything of a sexual nature. We attempted for a while.. 5 mins of touching, 20 mins of him on the floor, back for another 5 mins. I got nothing out of it, he got pain. He tried for me, I tried for him, but after a while it just wasnt worth it anymore. Knowing logically what the outcome was going to be did not change the increasingly devastating effect it had on me (him too, but I can only speak for my point of view). Logically, I knew what was going to happen every time. But I still got caught up in it. Id think about it for hours, get 5 mins into foreplay.. done and over. 

Emotions are a strange thing. Logically, I KNOW it is a health issue. But eventually it killed my self esteem. My partner running off to puke after 2 mins of touching me... I would cry in bed and then put on a smiley face when he came back.

We stopped trying now. Its been 8 months or longer. We dont kiss, touch, anything. Might be my age, Im 33 now, but I think about sex more than most teenage boys do. I dream of being woken up with it, coming home for a lunch time "snack", and sneaking off for a bathroom quicky. I dream of being thrown over a couch, being grabbed while Im walking by, playingful (and discrete) touching under the blanket during family movie night. More specifically, I want to know what its like to be wanted by someone.

If I got to choose, I would say 1-2 times a day. Granted that may be my despetation talking. Its easy to want a lot when youve never had any.


Sent from my SGH-I337M using Tapatalk


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> @Holland -- he's laughing not because of your illness or because your sex life has suffered, but because at 5x a week, you're still getting the booty way more often than most of the other people on this thread! I don't think he really meant any harm by it--the juxtaposition is a little amusing.
> 
> People who aren't quite as HD as you will have a hard time understanding what you're upset about.
> 
> (I totally get it. When I get remarried, I'm writing it into the pre-nup or my vows that daily sex is a requirement, except in the case of legitimate illness. No 2-3x a week for me, nope!)


I tried every day when my wife moved in about 6 months after marriage, I had relocated for a job. That lasted about 5 days


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

NotEZ said:


> My SO's health issues have cause my sex life to be non-existant forever! Close to forever anyways... I was a 15 year old virgin when we got together (stayed one for a couple years after). He has never been able to get hard even with medication. Priaprism at a very young age due to his sickle cell added to his inheritently low blood count made it so. We made it work in the early years... had 2 kids despite never getting more than the tip. It never bothered me, I didnt know any better (still dont in case anyone is wondering).
> 
> But for the last 3 years or so he gets extreme pain, to the point he gets physically sick, anytime his heart rate rises... obviously this includes anything of a sexual nature. We attempted for a while.. 5 mins of touching, 20 mins of him on the floor, back for another 5 mins. I got nothing out of it, he got pain. He tried for me, I tried for him, but after a while it just wasnt worth it anymore. Knowing logically what the outcome was going to be did not change the increasingly devastating effect it had on me (him too, but I can only speak for my point of view). Logically, I knew what was going to happen every time. But I still got caught up in it. Id think about it for hours, get 5 mins into foreplay.. done and over.
> 
> ...


Seriously sad situation you have there  So what will you do?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> :surprise: Time to call off this engagement!!


All men are this way in some strange form or another! You just don't really find out until AFTER you are married. 

Being engaged is like going out on a first date. You put forth your effort to be nice and impress the other person. Then after you are married, a year or two later you start noticing this funny behavior in the middle of the night. You tell yourself you must be seeing things, but the scary fact is that you are NOT crazy!

Badsanta


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I find it strange that when you are having health issues you are even thinking about how much sex you are having. And five times a week is more than most get routinely when healthy. Thus my laughter.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Okguy said:


> I find it strange that when you are having health issues you are even thinking about how much sex you are having. And five times a week is more than most get routinely when healthy. Thus my laughter.


 @Okguy when I or my wife gets something as simple as a "bad cold" that usually means no sex for about a week.

Occasionally we will be careless when we are sick and say to ourselves, well I'll probably catch all your runny snot eventually, so perhaps we should just go ahead and get it over with! Come here and kiss me!

...ewwwww!

Badsanta


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

NotEZ said:


> My SO's health issues have cause my sex life to be non-existant forever! Close to forever anyways... I was a 15 year old virgin when we got together (stayed one for a couple years after). He has never been able to get hard even with medication. Priaprism at a very young age due to his sickle cell added to his inheritently low blood count made it so. We made it work in the early years... had 2 kids despite never getting more than the tip. It never bothered me, I didnt know any better (still dont in case anyone is wondering).
> 
> But for the last 3 years or so he gets extreme pain, to the point he gets physically sick, anytime his heart rate rises... obviously this includes anything of a sexual nature. We attempted for a while.. 5 mins of touching, 20 mins of him on the floor, back for another 5 mins. I got nothing out of it, he got pain. He tried for me, I tried for him, but after a while it just wasnt worth it anymore. Knowing logically what the outcome was going to be did not change the increasingly devastating effect it had on me (him too, but I can only speak for my point of view). Logically, I knew what was going to happen every time. But I still got caught up in it. Id think about it for hours, get 5 mins into foreplay.. done and over.
> 
> ...


Of course this would kill your self-esteem! Have you talked to him about this, and how this makes you feel?

Yes, it's a health thing, and his health issues aren't his fault. But you have needs, needs which he is unable to meet. His health isn't more important than your need for physical interaction and sex.

Does he expect you to be OK with a completely sexless marriage? Unless you also want a sexless marriage--and it's clear that you don't--this is unfair to you. You need to talk to him about this.

If you could get your needs met outside the relationship, would you want to stay married to him? Is he otherwise a good partner? If the answer is yes, you may want to talk to him about opening up your marriage, so that you are free to get your needs met elsewhere. If he really loves you, I can't believe that he wants you to be miserable--and refusing to allow you to experience the full range of adult experiences because he is unable to be with you sexually is selfish on his part.

*But he can't be giving with you in this manner if you don't tell him how you feel.* He may think you are perfectly happy with the status quo.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> All men are this way in some strange form or another! *You just don't really find out until AFTER you are married.
> *
> Being engaged is like going out on a first date. You put forth your effort to be nice and impress the other person. Then after you are married, a year or two later you start noticing this funny behavior in the middle of the night. You tell yourself you must be seeing things, but the scary fact is that you are NOT crazy!
> 
> Badsanta


Not necessarily. My wife and I had the "talk" before marriage about sex. I told her I was HD, and unless my health dictated otherwise, I would be on her like white on rice all the time.:grin2:

I told her I had a condition to getting married..., I don't accept "no" as an answer if I want sex. Over 19 years later, she has yet to say "no" to me. I have a tremendous respect for her honoring that, too. Of course I usually know when she's not feeling well, so I won't put her on the spot very often.:wink2:

I still have no doubt she would honor that promise regardless of how she feels. Did I say that I love my wife? Absolutely wonderful wife, mother, person, best friend, and she is still extremely hot.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NotEZ said:


> *We made it work in the early years*... *had 2 kids* despite never getting more than the tip. It never bothered me, I didnt know any better (still dont in case anyone is wondering).
> 
> Im 33 now, but I think about sex more than most teenage boys do. I dream of being woken up with it, coming home for a lunch time "snack", and sneaking off for a bathroom quicky. I dream of being thrown over a couch, being grabbed while Im walking by, playingful (and discrete) touching under the blanket during family movie night. *More specifically, I want to know what its like to be wanted by someone.*


Well, your two kids need you! Also part of being a good parent and helping your children is realizing that it will be difficult to help others unless you can help yourself. 

So if your husband has severe health issues and he can NOT function in the family as more than a room mate, you have to ask yourself the following. *If you were to move on and remarry to live a much healthier and happier life, would this make you more or less suited to raise your own children to be the best that they can be? *

Being happy and living in a loving relationship is NOT about being selfish. Your children need to see you happy and healthy too! 

I do know of one couple that married (he was significantly older than her), and as his health started to fail she eventually remarried. She however still continues to care for her first husband as if he is still part of her family.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I am coming up on my one year anniversary of tabulating and rating my sexual encounters with my wife. 
We are averaging twice a week which seems to be our sweet spot.
At 54 years of age, I really don't think I could do more without losing some mojo.
Even with not masturbating and taking Testosterone, Viagra and porn chaser, I'm at my limit


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Luvher4life said:


> Not necessarily. My wife and I had the "talk" before marriage about sex. I told her I was HD, and unless my health dictated otherwise, I would be on her like white on rice all the time.:grin2:


If one takes sexual compatibility and sets that aside, it is impossible to know how some of the many other "awkward" dynamics will play out in the marriage as they are discovered over time. 

One example might be that if you decide to get your first pet and discover she is a cat person, while you are a dog person. This escalates until it is eventually revealed that she always wanted to own a horse and live on a farm. If only you had just gotten her the cat! Eventually this takes a toll on one's sex life.

Badsanta


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## sfalken (Nov 10, 2014)

Were in our 40s with 3 kids and for the most part I'd say we average 5-6 times a week. Two long play sessions on the weekend that involve nice lingerie, and a few quickies on the weekdays before work.

She likes to keep me interested. Right now were having the "5 minute challenge" on the weekdays. If I can "get there" in 5 minutes or less, she promises to "do me" the next day again.. (Mon-Fri) but if on any day I take longer than 5 minutes, the deal is off. As of today, I've gotten her (including the longer weekend sessions) 11 days in a row! Going for 17 days including this coming weekend - and I'll see what she says about next week. 

I love my wife and her sexy hot bod. I do her as much, and as often as I possibly can!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Okguy said:


> I find it strange that when you are having health issues you are even thinking about how much sex you are having. And five times a week is more than most get routinely when healthy. Thus my laughter.


I find it strange that you wouldn't be thinking about sex all the time but then again I have never been LD. 

Are you satisfied with your sex life? Are you completely enamoured with your spouse and can't lie next to them in bed without wanting them?

I don't care what other people are or aren't doing, only about where Mr H and I are at. Me having health stuff going on means we are now at 50% of our usual weekly encounters. That must really make you piss yourself.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Holland said:


> I find it strange that you wouldn't be thinking about sex all the time but then again I have never been LD.
> 
> Are you satisfied with your sex life? Are you completely enamoured with your spouse and can't lie next to them in bed without wanting them?
> 
> I don't care what other people are or aren't doing, only about where Mr H and I are at. Me having health stuff going on means we are now at 50% of our usual weekly encounters. That must really make you piss yourself.


 @Holland if you look at Okguy's post that offended you, he started by using the same words as Vinnydee as a way to be playful. 



Vinnydee said:


> *I am laughing because* your poll is showing how many times a week rather than how many times a day. When I was younger, twice a day, every day, was enough. When I hit my 40's *I was down 4-5 times a week* ...





Okguy said:


> *I am laughing because* someone said it decreased to five times a week.


Now if you really want, ask yourself why did all of those that have sex less than five times a week never get offended. You claim to have health issues, but yet you want to get up on your high horse and still rub it in that everything is better than average. 

If you ask me, the fact that you got upset means that *you were looking for a reason to get upset.* Why would someone having sex five times a week be looking for a reason to get upset? Here is some science for you. It is called Postcoital Psychological Symptoms or PPS in which your body can not produce the chemicals needed to keep you in a pleasant mood in the moments after too much sexual activity.

http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Postcoital_Def.pdf

I am not laughing, but this is how you come across to me, as if someone that has a lot of sex that is looking for a reason to get upset.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

You torment yourself with worrying about when you'll get it, how you'll get it, where you'll get it or why aren't you getting it, yada yada!! 

Life is stressful enough to worry about that. If it happens, great, if not, that's okay too. You're basically at the mercy of your spouse with your sex life and it can go hot to cold in a blink of an eye and you can't do anything about it.

Letting myself become an LD is alot less stressful.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @Holland if you look at Okguy's post that offended you, he started by using the same words as Vinnydee as a way to be playful.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are over analysing. I got upset that someone would find my misfortune funny, sorry but to me that is sick and twisted. The rest of my day and life is just fine, not looking for a reason to get upset and am actually the opposite. 

I will be fair and say I did not read you link as I don't follow internet links.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Unless maybe you have a phd in psychology you did not miss much


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

So you had a condition you don't accept no huh? I'm surprised she married you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Okguy said:


> So you had a condition you don't accept no huh? I'm surprised she married you.


I'll guess this isn't directed to me bc the genders are wrong. But for the purpose of being able to follow the thread and understand what your comments mean, ie so there are no misunderstand can you please quote or at least state who you are replying too. Thanks


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

It's not u holland. I already commented on you


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

> what is actually needed for you to be satisfied?


I would love to do it several times a day. Not just PiV but others as well. That would make me a very happy husband.

Bare minimum for me would be 3 times a week with at least a little bit of variety.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Holland said:


> I'll guess this isn't directed to me bc the genders are wrong. But for the purpose of being able to follow the thread and understand what your comments mean, ie so there are no misunderstand can you please quote or at least state who you are replying too. Thanks


Good point! I'll take a crack at this one and assume it is aimed at me!



Okguy said:


> So you had a condition you don't accept no huh? I'm surprised she married you.


I do get frustrated when she tells me no. When I met my wife she told me she did NOT want a relationship. Then when we got into a relationship she said she was NOT ready for sex. Then once we were sexual she said she was NOT ready to get married. Then once we married she said she was NOT ready to have kids. Then once we had kids, the only thing for her left to tell me NO to is sex, so she tells me "no" often AND we have average to above average sex. 

*Reflecting back on that, I'd say that persistence pays off and that I am a good negotiator! *That is why she married me! Otherwise would you be willing to give up hardly ever seeing your family, speaking your native language, eating the foods you grew up with, and living in your culture in order to get married to someone on the other side of the planet?

My wife grew up in a huge freaking city that had everything. The top of the mountains where a one hour drive and the beach was a one hour drive. With me we now live in the countryside. We can drive for six hours and you are still looking at the same pasture and the occasional Wal-Mart. She hates it, but she loves me! 

So YES, I can NOT take NO for an answer!

Badsanta


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Amazing that people exist who cannot take no for an answer. More incredible that they actually marry.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Amazing that people exist who cannot take no for an answer. More incredible that they actually marry.


I was listening to the radio the other day and in preparations for Valentines there was this one woman describing what it took for her to go out with a guy the first time. She mentioned that she would purposely tell everyone "NO" on the first attempt. She felt that those that would not try again were really NOT that interested. Once she found a guy that was still persistent, she knew this was a person who was sincerely interested in her and THEN she would say yes. 

Different strokes for different folks! 

My wife actually told me that she really loves my nonstop pursuit of her, and that if it was not for me she would have likely dedicated her life to her profession and never married. The most important thing to her now are our children and she knows that they are infinitely more valuable to her than any career could ever be, and she thanks me for being the "bad boy" that helped make it all happen! As it turns out she is very successful in her career because of me, as my career is closely related to hers and helped her achieve BOTH!

Badsanta


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Most women DO like to be pursued--by someone in whom we're interested.

And that doesn't/shouldn't stop after we're "caught."


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Okguy said:


> So you had a condition you don't accept no huh? I'm surprised she married you.


My wife and I had many "talks" BEFORE we were married. We talked about any and everything, something ALL couples should do before getting married. This "condition" of mine was actually kind of said in a joking manner, but I did say it, and she agreed with it. Heck, she likes sex as much as I do, so it wasn't a problem for her. Being the absolutely great woman she is, she has stuck to it even though I never really expected her to.

That said, being with a person for 19+ years you kind of get a feel for when she "should", "would", or "could" say no. I would NEVER make her do something that she didn't want to do. That's not how it works. We have a love and respect for each other that goes eons beyond anything carnal.

We BOTH opened up in these talks (which we still have, BTW), and we made sure there weren't any deal breakers beforehand. We also agreed to keep the lines of communication OPEN at all times, and this helped to set the foundation for a happy and lasting marriage which we now enjoy. We don't always agree on everything, but we do talk about things that arise that bother us. Then we make sure we reconcile any differences we have. We agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. I know it's cliche', but it has worked for us.

Oh, did I say I absolutely ADORE my wife? She's smart, funny, pretty, sexy, and the best wife and mother in the world, in my opinion!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Luvher4life said:


> My wife and I had many "talks" BEFORE we were married. We talked about any and everything, something ALL couples should do before getting married. This "condition" of mine was actually kind of said in a joking manner, but I did say it, and she agreed with it. Heck, she likes sex as much as I do, so it wasn't a problem for her. Being the absolutely great woman she is, she has stuck to it even though I never really expected her to.
> *
> That said, being with a person for 19+ years you kind of get a feel for when she "should", "would", or "could" say no. I would NEVER make her do something that she didn't want to do. That's not how it works. We have a love and respect for each other that goes eons beyond anything carnal.*
> 
> ...


If I had confidence in my partner to behave in this way--that is, be sensitive to when I'm sick, or tired, or have other obligations that need to be prioritized _in that moment_--I would absolutely agree to a "never accept _no_" condition in my marriage. (Then again, I'm also HD, so I want it pretty much all the time.) 

The caveat I would have to add is this: if I'm never allowed to say _no_, then he BETTER maintain his sexual market value. Take care of his health, hygiene, style, etc. In other words, if I'm not allowed to say _no_, you're not allowed to let yourself _go_.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> The caveat I would have to add is this: if I'm never allowed to say _no_, then he BETTER maintain his sexual market value. Take care of his health, hygiene, style, etc. In other words, if I'm not allowed to say _no_, you're not allowed to let yourself _go_.


But @FeministInPink shouldn't true love be unconditional? 

So if your man develops hypothyroidism and type 2 diabetes later in life that makes him become morbidly obese while somehow he maintains an insatiable sex drive to be with you... 










...would you still love him but just reserve the right to say no "sometimes" if needed?

Badsanta


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Okguy said:


> Amazing that people exist who cannot take no for an answer. More incredible that they actually marry.


Hehehe.

I'm consistently amazed that there are people who keep having to ask.>
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

badsanta said:


> But [MENTION=45170] shouldn't true love be unconditional?


I think it's extremely rare for love to be _truly _unconditional.

And whenever I see the would "should," I think someone is trying to manipulate something. It's one of the most dishonest words in the vocabulary, IMO.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Ask what?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

badsanta said:


> But @FeministInPink shouldn't true love be unconditional?
> 
> So if your man develops hypothyroidism and type 2 diabetes later in life that makes him become morbidly obese while somehow he maintains an insatiable sex drive to be with you...
> 
> ...


ooohhh! Bbbbaby!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> But @FeministInPink shouldn't true love be unconditional?
> 
> So if your man develops hypothyroidism and type 2 diabetes later in life that makes him become morbidly obese while somehow he maintains an insatiable sex drive to be with you...
> 
> ...


Are you making fun of me? All this talk of men complaining when their wives let themselves go...


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> If I had confidence in my partner to behave in this way--that is, be sensitive to when I'm sick, or tired, or have other obligations that need to be prioritized _in that moment_--I would absolutely agree to a "never accept _no_" condition in my marriage. (Then again, I'm also HD, so I want it pretty much all the time.)
> 
> The caveat I would have to add is this: if I'm never allowed to say _no_, then he BETTER maintain his sexual market value. Take care of his health, hygiene, style, etc. In other words, if I'm not allowed to say _no_, you're not allowed to let yourself _go_.


I understand completely. You (and my wife, for that matter) certainly have the "right" to say "no". I would never hold my wife to that pledge if there were any valid reason. That's not how it works. Heck, there are a lot of times I don't really want to have sex, but she initiates and I oblige.

Now, if she were to say "no" to me just because, that's probably a whole other story. It would certainly cause friction that is unwanted and unneeded and would affect our relationship negatively. It has been my experience that a LOT of women hold out on their SO just as a way of having power over their man. Is that fair? That is one of the things that prompted me to say what I said. It had happened at times with previous committed relationships for both of us. I don't think it is fair, nor do I think it's right for anyone in a committed relationship to deprive their partner of a fundamental need for selfish reasons. By that token, that commitment is a two-way street. She had "conditions", too, and I don't plan on letting her down on my end, either. We both know what makes the other tick, and have complete trust in each other.

Maybe a little background on us would help put it in perspective. My wife and I both grew up poor, came from a broken home, and felt a high degree of love deprivation growing up. We both had been lied to, cheated on, emotionally abused in other ways, etc. in previous relationships. Heck, we met on the phone! The first time we spoke to each other, we talked on the phone for over 4 hours long distance. It's like we had known each other our whole lives. Then we met, and all I could say was, "WOW!" We were immediately attracted to each other. Once we were together, we could communicate with each other like we had been close friends (with benefits) our whole lives.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> But @FeministInPink shouldn't true love be unconditional?
> 
> So if your man develops hypothyroidism and type 2 diabetes later in life that makes him become morbidly obese while somehow he maintains an insatiable sex drive to be with you...
> 
> ...


And I'll also say... this actually touches a nerve with me, which is why I didn't give it a serious answer initially, because I was debating how I would respond.

My XH gained a significant amount of weight after we married; he was already overweight, but it got much, much worse after we married. He had no interest in physical fitness or maintaining his health, save for a brief intense workout phase in the spring of 2008. His personal hygiene also went downhill significantly. He wouldn't bathe or brush his teeth on his days off, and he wore dirty clothes on a regular basis.

Luckily, by that time, he had lost all interest in me sexually. I only ever turned him down for sex twice. (The second time, which isn't relevant to this convo, was a few days after we had "the talk"--at which point I realized he really didn't understand that I was ready to leave him if things didn't change.) The first time was when he expected me to have sex with him immediately after he had a workout--and hadn't bathed or brushed his teeth for 3 days. 

I said no, but if he was interest in taking a shower with me, and see where things went from there...

He refused to take the shower.

I turned him down for sex because his hygiene was slovenly and made him repulsive to me 95% of the time. As it just so happens, he had stopped initiating sex MORE than 95% of time, so I was in the clear. 

But it was never because of his weight.

The scenario you present is possible, of course. I wouldn't punish my spouse because of something beyond his control, like a medical condition.

(Oh, and BTW, my BMI places ME in the obese category as well... though you might not think so to look at me. And plenty of men have confirmed that I am still plenty sexy and fvckable.)


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Pretty reasonable FIP.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Fip?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Okguy said:


> Fip?


He's talking to me/referring to my previous post. People abbreviate my username to Fip, FiP, or FIP sometimes.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

@FeministInPink - Honestly, I would take it personally if my wife just decided to let herself go (whether it be hygiene, appearance, weight, etc...). IMO, both people in a relationship should make a conscious effort to maintain their appearance within reason. Just as you mentioned, this is not talking about someone suffering from a medical condition.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Question on the sex side of things. You see the term "sexless marriage" frequently thrown around here. Is there some sort of commonly accepted definition of what this means? Obviously not having any sex would fall under this, but is there a minimum amount of sex in a certain period that falls under this as well (i.e. is having sex once a month considered sexless, twice a month, once a quarter, etc...)?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> You see the term "sexless marriage" frequently thrown around here. Is there some sort of commonly accepted definition of what this means?


The clinical definition is having sex 10 times or less in a year.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Santa are u serious?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I would have eaten her right there.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Ya think?


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

What is this "Sex" y'all keep talking about? It sounds like fun.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Oh, Lord! In my advanced state of dotage, the best that I could ever hope to pray for is if only bowel movements could be made to promote orgasms!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Okguy said:


> Ya think?


 @Okguy I'm going to assume this question was in response to arbitrator's earlier post. Just because you might be having trouble keeping your movements regular and achieving orgasm, does not mean that a solution to cure one ailment will magically address both at the same time. Odds are you are an individual that may have an irresistible urge to evacuate your bladder during a bowel movement, but this should not be confused with an orgasm in the event this is what you are asking about.

:grin2: @Holland (helping Okguy attribute his responses for everyone!)

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

No my comment was directed at the comment about not trying oral if the wife is not in the mood.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @Okguy I'm going to assume this question was in response to arbitrator's earlier post. Just because you might be having trouble keeping your movements regular and achieving orgasm, does not mean that a solution to cure one ailment will magically address both at the same time. Odds are you are an individual that may have an irresistible urge to evacuate your bladder during a bowel movement, but this should not be confused with an orgasm in the event this is what you are asking about.
> 
> :grin2: @Holland (helping Okguy attribute his responses for everyone!)
> 
> ...


*It's been so damn long since I've shared an orgasm, that either of those other alternatives could be mistakenly pleasurable! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

thebirdman said:


> What is this "Sex" y'all keep talking about? It sounds like fun.


Imagine having to sneeze, but you can't, however the urge is persistent. Then your wife tickles you and finally it happens. But instead of your nose, it all happens with your penis and this is where babies come from.

This is the reason when men take viagra that it gives them a stuffy nose. The two processes of sex and sneezing are closely related. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexually_induced_sneezing

So this "sex" stuff is actually something to sneeze at!

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Holland said:


> Seriously sad situation you have there  So what will you do?


No Idea. Ironically, I became depressed 4 years ago and he left me. He wasn't wrong for doing so, I was miserable. It was on the heels of a series of events that, on their own, wouldn't be a big deal. But the affect they had compounded until I couldn't handle it. I fought for him the entire time we were apart. It was almost a year before we got back together. Now I wish we never had. Ive realized since that I was never fighting for the "relationship" we had. I fought for him because my identity is wrapped up in his illness. My life has revolved around it since I was 15 and I don't know anything else. 



FeministInPink said:


> Of course this would kill your self-esteem! Have you talked to him about this, and how this makes you feel?
> 
> Yes, it's a health thing, and his health issues aren't his fault. But you have needs, needs which he is unable to meet. His health isn't more important than your need for physical interaction and sex.
> 
> ...


Technically we are common law. We never legally married. And yes, he knows. I've talked about it, and other things, numerous times over the years. He doesn't like to talk about anything meaningful. He is conflict avoidant to the extreme. I think its his way of dealing with his illness.... avoiding feelings. His idea of "talking" is to listen to me while saying nothing. Like literally nothing. It pisses me off but if I get mad, I'm the reason we can't have a discussion. If I walk away, he pretends the conversation never happened. 

My fault really, he has always been like that. We just didn't have many complaints before. The past 5 years have taken a huge toll on me and now when it truly matters, he can't be there for me. Shouldn't be a surprise. He is fine with us not being together and being in the same house. Its probably his preferred outcome because then he doesn't have to be all the things he can't be for me but still has the things that he wants, the kids and my support.

He is a great person and a great father. He might not be what I need him to be relationship wise, but he truly is an amazing person. He lives for our kids. There is nothing he wouldn't do for them. There isn't much he wouldn't do for me either... outside of having an actual relationship. He will make me breakfast in the morning and run errands for me if I'm tired. Give me a massage when I'm sore. I don't know how to explain, but there are times when he looks at me and I can just see the love he has in his eyes. Its the same look I see when he's playing barbies with our 6 year old. That is what is so hard to give up. I love him and I KNOW he loves me, but us in a "relationship" just HURTS. 



badsanta said:


> Well, your two kids need you! Also part of being a good parent and helping your children is realizing that it will be difficult to help others unless you can help yourself.
> 
> So if your husband has severe health issues and he can NOT function in the family as more than a room mate, you have to ask yourself the following. *If you were to move on and remarry to live a much healthier and happier life, would this make you more or less suited to raise your own children to be the best that they can be? *
> 
> ...


This is something I have to get better at. Like I said, his illness has been my identity my entire life. Unlike most couples that get together early on, we didn't have as much opportunity to grow together and/or grow apart. There was always this big thing that kept us distracted from real life. Compatibility issues weren't at the forefront in our relationship because we had hospitalizations, blood transfusions, hip replacements, etc to deal with as well as a young child (born 2 days after I turned 20) that all took priority over "us". 

I felt I was happy until I wasn't. I didn't realize I wasn't living until I recently realized that I don't know how to live for me. I skipped the part where one normally learns who they are. All I know is that I have been crushed by the last 5 years and I have no idea where to go from here. I do want to be happy... for myself and for my kids. But I don't know how to do that.



I'm a different person outside the house. At work, I am extremely confident in my abilities. I also go above and beyond in everything I do so that other people see it. Because that validation matters to me. 

There was a time that I would laugh when people said something to me about our situation. I remember talking to the HR lady at my last job. I was 25 or so at the time. And she said to me "you are so young, do you really think you want to handle this all your life". And I laughed. I thought she was crazy. I told her "this is all I know. This is my life". At the time, I could never have imagined a time that I would feel the way she suggested. I never saw it as a problem then.

When I got depressed and he left, I went to councilling. That's the same time I found this place too, have some posts in another thread from back then. I remember having a conversation with my councillor in which I was pissed that he left when I needed him after my being there for him all those years. She told me "sometimes when people are chronically ill like he is, they spend so much effort trying to keep living life that they aren't capable of dealing with another persons emotions or issues". Sounds right. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt from that statement... selfish me for wanting more than he was capable of giving. I fought and fought to continue being by his side. Now I am and I still can't handle it. 

I thought it was the right thing to do. To ignore me and fight for our family. In the end, it was probably the most selfish thing I could have done. I don't know where to go from here.

Sorry for the thread jack... I waited till the original thread died for a couple days to respond.


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