# Taking one for the team



## big will (Oct 20, 2010)

Ladies I would like some comments... Here is the situation. My wife is preggo about halfway and we are excited however our sex life has gone to nil. Once in the past four months... and one other minor encounter. It used to be about 3 times a week. How often do you think should she "take one for the team"? There are no complications with the pregnancy other than her being tired with the occasional morning sickness. We work well with each other but on this issue she states I just don't understand without a real explanation other than she doesn't want to. (Aside from the excuses which I could pull a hundred out of a hat... tired, hasn't showered, I'm watching my show, not in the mood, I should've been there earlier, I just got comfortable and on and on) 

Just curious to see the responses. 
thanks


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe she's afraid of hurting the baby, or doesn't feel attractive to you, because she's all "motherly and bloated".


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## big will (Oct 20, 2010)

but i think its beautiful... how could you be more feminine than carrying a baby and i tell her this? on top of that i have felt more manly because I helped make the baby


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Alot of women don't have sexual urges while pregnant. It has alot to do with hormones and also their emotional state. Also, you telling her you think she is beautiful really doesn't do much for her. If she doesn't feel that way she will most certainly think you are saying those words because you want sex. 
With my first pregnancy I wanted sex all the time. Heck, we had sex the night before I gave birth. Lol! With our second child, after 3 months I just could not literally fathom sex. It just felt weird, I couldn't wrap my brain around it and I know it was because of hormones. I have no other way of explaining it. 
Take one for the team? Heck, isn't she already doing that? Pregnancy sucks, at least for me it did.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

For whatever reason her sex drive is low, probably because of the hormones, as Brennan suggested. You've already worked out that there'll always be an excuse for her not to have sex. The problem is, you don't want this to become a permanent state within the marriage. It's possible she won't feel the urge to have sex much even after giving birth, she'll need time to heal, then there'll be the stress of a caring for a newborn, then the stress of a toddler, then more children probably... you could end up being a 'once a month' couple for a very long time, if that.

Tell her now what your expectations were when you were married, without being nasty or angry, just let her know. Be matter of fact. Tell her you expected the sex to always be a minimum of 3 times a week, and that you would both make this effort unless there was illness or whatever stopping you. Tell her you know that there'll always be excuses for her not to bother, but that the less sex she has, the less she'll want. If she doesn't feel the urge, then could she try anyway, and you'll make sure she enjoys it.

You have to get through to her that it's not just about sex, it's about maintaining your marriage, remaining lovers, remaining in love with eachother. That you need it to feel close to her, to feel affectionate towards her. Just like her top need might be affection, or conversation, yours is sexual fulfillment. Just because it's not at the top of her list, doesn't mean she can ignore it. So yes, I think that sometimes, the person with the lower sex drive has to 'take it for the team'. However, they should also get enjoyment out of it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh I can help with this one! 

#1. Being pregnant throws your whole body out of whack. Even when you are young and strong and completely healthy, everything feels different, hormones are everywhere, and emotions and like scrambled eggs. BUT the first three months are the worst because during those months, literally, your body is so focused on baby, making baby and protecting baby that it uses every resource you have. The first three months, with any morning sickness, feel roughly equivalent to going through bootcamp but they don't feed you the whole time. I'm not sure why, but it is EXHAUSTING and nothing tastes good, and no position feels very comfortable. Imagine being constipated for 3 months straight and that's close-ish....sort of. For me the hormones were a little like PMS all the time, while having the flu. Yeah: constipated-flu-bootcamp on PMS sounds close. This is the time to lay the groundwork of loving a pregnant woman right here. Yes, you are a human being and still have needs, and I'd suggest talking about them out loud and with kindness--because she's a human being and her body is being taken over by a pod-being. So maybe what she needs to be put in the mood is you to cook whatever goofy food sounds possible good to her--or take the time to make her a candlelight bubble bath and tell her she is beautiful, and this time just hug her. See...you may still get turned on (who wouldn't) but that doesn't mean you have to ACT on the whole launch sequence. Just be thoughtful and ask that she be thoughtful of you as well. 

The next three months are better, because some energy starts to return, you feel the baby for the first time so it's a little stronger and feels a little more real, and you're not so big yet that you are knocking stuff over. For me the three middle months my hormones kicked back in and I was back into horney-ville. I felt alive, lively, sexy, happy about the bump but it wasn't "in the way"...also I final got over morning sickness and could eat (and I felt like I was starving) and I did have a bit of energy. So yeah I think the middle three months are like the week before the period with some decreasing activity as the bump got bigger. This is the perfect time to go for it if she's in horney-ville because honestly--it may be a little while before any more is forthcoming for a little while. I mean even once baby is born, there's 24 hour feeding shifts and recovering physically for several weeks. So if she's in horney-ville--GO! Greenlight! If she's not, I would say this is the time to develop real intimacy and see if you can figure out why she's not. I'm not suggesting "suck up to her so she'll give you some" but rather, as someone who cares you'd like to understand what she's going through, share what you need, and allow her to share what SHE needs. 

Final three months are pretty much misery. You can't stand up, you can't sit down. You can't fit into ANYTHING! You're hungry but if you eat more than a cracker you feel yucky. The baby kicks you in the stomach all day long, then when you finally do lay down and get comfortable, they decide to roll and roll and roll keeping you awake. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't sit, and stand, can't bend ... it's horrible. The idea of sex in the last three months is more like this:  "You're kidding me! I have an elephant in my stomach! LOOK at that! How can you expect me to enjoy myself I'm Quasi Modo backwards!" This is a perfect time roll with the punches and reassure her that your love for her is based on commitment and who she is as a person. See, part of the thing women crave is knowing if she's safe even when it's hard for you. Yeah--share that it's hard but also share that "...when the going gets hard, I turn to you babe."


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Affaircare said:


> Final three months are pretty much misery. You can't stand up, you can't sit down. You can't fit into ANYTHING! You're hungry but if you eat more than a cracker you feel yucky. The baby kicks you in the stomach all day long, then when you finally do lay down and get comfortable, they decide to roll and roll and roll keeping you awake. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't sit, and stand, can't bend ... it's horrible. The idea of sex in the last three months is more like this:  "You're kidding me! I have an elephant in my stomach! LOOK at that! How can you expect me to enjoy myself I'm Quasi Modo backwards!" This is a perfect time roll with the punches and reassure her that your love for her is based on commitment and who she is as a person. See, part of the thing women crave is knowing if she's safe even when it's hard for you. Yeah--share that it's hard but also share that "...when the going gets hard, I turn to you babe."


LOL That description is right on! Then for twins, multiply that times two! Now I wonder how I ever managed to participate in sex up until the 8th month. God! I must have loved that man a lot! Big Will, hope you get all of this figured out before the baby is born.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

It truly is a WEIRD feeling to be uncomfortable in your own skin, and not feel like you're alone in your own body. The only thing I can think of that would be remotely close is putting a cat and a mouse inside your abdominal cavity with a bowling ball rammed up against your rib cage.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Affaircare,
Your description made me laugh so hard. It is so true. My (now) husband but boyfriend at the time worked so hard to make all aspects of pregnancy great. I will never forget when he came home from Costco with a vat of pickles and margarita mix. I literally only craved whole pickles and non alcohol margarita mix with crushed up ice. He got tired of running to the grocery store for it and went to Costco and bought industrial sized quantities of both. The moment he returned I threw up and never opened either one of them. It has been 17 years since my first pregnancy and to this day, I haven't been able to have a pickle or a margarita.
Pregnancy does WEIRD things to a woman's body. Yes, you are taking one for the team but so is she.


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## big will (Oct 20, 2010)

I'm in it for the long run!! I just figured with all I am doing for her cooking cleaning housework etc... it would be nice to see the reciprocation in the form of a sexual favor. Just miss the connection and with her hormones and me not getting any things have been a lil tense around here. I have read the 5 Love languages as the site suggests but she doesn't understand my tank being empty. Her copy is collecting dust. I will continue to try to fill hers and we will see what happens. I try to tread lightly just wanted your opinion... If you didn't want to have sex but really loved your hubby how often in her situation would you "take one for the team"?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You have to understand that she isn't your loving lady right now. She doesn't even know this. She literally doesn't feel herself. Her hormones are so out of whack right now she could probably rage in one minute and want a hug/cry the next. Trust me on this.
This is NOT because she doesn't care about you or your needs but rather because she literally cannot focus on anything other than "feathering her nest". She is focused on baby right now. She is probably reading baby books and trying to figure out future parenting. 
As for taking one for the team...as I mentioned, for me with our first child I was horny all the time. Literally all the time. He was scared especially when we had sex the night before our son was born. With our second I couldn't even stand the thought of sex. It was hard for my husband to think I wasn't rejecting him but rather because of my hormones. Let me assure you, I wasn't rejecting him. I could not and I mean could not think of having sex. I don't know why but that's how I felt. Does it make it right? No. That's how I felt though. After our second son was born and I had complications from the delivery, the doctor told us that we would need to wait 2 months to have sex. I laughed a bit. The doctor looked at me sternly and reiterated what he said. I didn't even make it 2 weeks before I pounced on my husband. My normal hormones had returned and I was feeling alive again.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Should have gotten the puppy instead, dude.

I will tell you this unequivocally, the more you bring it up, the worse you will make it - and the negative emphasis that she associates with sex because you 'just want her to do it', will be carried over into postpartum. Tread warily.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo,
WTH? What negative emphasis? This is normal!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Brennan said:


> Deejo,
> WTH? What negative emphasis? This is normal!


His description hit a nerve. Apparently still a pretty raw nerve.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I don't know that it's normal as each pregnancy is different so there is no norm. I remember being very horny during each pregnancy and it was a great sexual time. I also remember loving having the baby inside me and thankfully had zero complications with all three. It was always a beautiful, amazing, awe inspiring time. 

Afterwards, I could have done without the hard boobs, stitches and 6 weeks of bleeding though! Still, I remember being so freaking horny. I think it must be how my body reacts to the hormones.

Have you asked your wife directly to take one for the team by any chance? It's a tough time to ask for anything as she's carrying your baby but I do think it helps to tell her she is beautiful and show her intimate affection still. You never know, maybe her hormones will swing and she'll be into you like never before. Either way it's all over really soon!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I can only speak for what my pregnancies were like. I loved being pregnant, but I was exhausted at the same time. Having sex was frequently the very last thing on my mind, and even when my then-husband asked for it, I generally turned him down. 

The one thing that did sometimes work was when he would give me a massage. No sexual overtones, no attempts to massage *there* or *there* hoping it would change my mind - just a regular massage. That would get me very relaxed at which point sometimes my mind would turn to thoughts of how it might be nice...and things would go from there. 

You have to be very careful though in how you approach this. As others have said, hormones are seriously out of whack, and it's all too easy for her to take things the wrong way. You might say "I want us to have more sex" and she could take it as "You suck and I'm going to cheat" or something like that. Think carefully on what you want to say and how you want to say it, and be prepared with explanations of everything you say so that if she misunderstands you can correct her without hesitating.

Also be prepared that the last trimester, she may not want sex at all, and you may have to accept that. I know for me, that was the most uncomfortable part of my pregnancy and sex only made it worse.


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## big will (Oct 20, 2010)

Alright... I get it... I get it... I don't think anyone is paying attention to the question... Say you have a horrible experiance while being pregnant... how many times WOULD you take one for the team??? Once a week? Once a month? Once a trimester? Once in the nine months? Or he should think he's lucky just because you let him sleep in the same vicinity as you? Believe me, my expectations are low but in reality they are not low enough! Love all your input and ideas... I have been going through this for 5 months now, I have at one point in time tried many of your ideas and recomendations. I am not pestering her but I am a little frustrated... my love for my wife is patient and kind (at least I think it is)

Again How many times WOULD you take one for the team?

Thanks
Big will
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Second pregnancy, twice in 9 months. I was already taking one for the team. I was having his baby.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Maybe she's afraid of hurting the baby, or doesn't feel attractive to you, because she's all "motherly and bloated".


Maybe she is exhausted. And doesn't like being pressured by a husband who, instead of caring how SHE feels wants some random board to tell her how often SHE should take one for the team.

Carrying around a 6-9lb creature in your belly who consumes all your nutrients and sits on your organs is tiring. And it makes you body hurt in places you didn't even know you had. 

DH and I had tons of sex when I was pregnant. Lovely making love. But he also took good care of me and never, ever pressured me for ANYTHING. If you want your wife to make love to you in bed, make love to her out.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

big will said:


> Again How many times WOULD you take one for the team?


Not once. Ever. Pregnant or not never, ever. I would do anything to please him if he was loving me. I would fake it until I could make it (and have done). I would suffer pain with a smile to please him. But I would not "take one for the team" ever for a man who was crass and uncaring enough to ask how often I "should."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

big will said:


> how many times WOULD you take one for the team??? Once a week? Once a month? Once a trimester? Once in the nine months? Or he should think he's lucky just because you let him sleep in the same vicinity as you? Again How many times WOULD you take one for the team?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



By all means, tell her you ARE frustrated and this is not working for you! - You are HURT that she is not considering your needs at all, you do not feel desired, and resentment is around the corner. 

I was more horny while pregnant, probaby initiated more during that time than ever. But really, I think she should be willing to take one for the team at least once a week, if not intercourse, then a Bj or hand job, at the very least, once a week. That is my opionion.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Spouse had hyperemesis gravidarum with both pregnancies. Leaving sex completely off the table in terms of impact, this condition wreaked havoc on our relationship. I missed weeks of work. She could not work. She was hospitalized 5 times through both pregnancies. And for the second pregnancy things were further complicated by having to care for a 3 year old. As a result of our attention and vigilance over her condition, and the safety of our unborn daughter, we overlooked the signs for a year, that our son was autistic.

In my case, I could never have imagined asking her to 'take one for the team'. I used to come home and find her on the floor of the bathroom covered in sweat. She would have lain there for anywhere between 30 minutes and 2 hours. First pregnancy and following the birth, no sex for 16 months. It was the postpartum piece that I was primarily referring to in my previous post. It was difficult, and disappointing, I'll leave it at that.

Second pregnancy, my ex and I used to joke that she had "about 12 good days." She shocked me when she approached me for sex during one of those 12.

As others have stated, there is no one size fits all. Keep talking to her, keep loving her. Be the guy that she _wants_ to have sex with - once you transition to mommy and daddy, and it will all work out. If not ... well, I guess we'll see you back here.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Be the guy that she _wants_ to have sex with - once you transition to mommy and daddy, and it will all work out. If not ... well, I guess we'll see you back here.


THIS is the man I am married to. THIS is the man I would stand in front of a train for, make love to when I had tearing all the way to Christmas....


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

big will said:


> Alright... I get it... I get it... I don't think anyone is paying attention to the question... Say you have a horrible experiance while being pregnant... how many times WOULD you take one for the team??? Once a week? Once a month? Once a trimester? Once in the nine months? Or he should think he's lucky just because you let him sleep in the same vicinity as you? Believe me, my expectations are low but in reality they are not low enough! Love all your input and ideas... I have been going through this for 5 months now, I have at one point in time tried many of your ideas and recomendations. I am not pestering her but I am a little frustrated... my love for my wife is patient and kind (at least I think it is)
> 
> Again How many times WOULD you take one for the team?
> 
> ...


Pretty personal question, and honestly, it doesn't matter how often random people on a forum have sex when they don't feel like it, while pregnant, we aren't your wife, we don't know how she feels right now. Women's experiences during their pregnancies can be very different from others. Some hardly notice they're pregnant, some are bed bound by it, but it doesn't matter, because a woman's desire to have sex is bound by how she feels emotionally, though physically does come into it too. How do you compare that sort of thing between two women where one might be in a very good emotional place and the other in a very bad one.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I was sick the whole 9 months with both of mine. We are talking 4 times a day puking. I only put out when I could manage to keep something down for more than 10 minutes because I literally did not have the energy. That was probably only about once or twice a month really. I was also still AD Army and working horrible hours ( so much for pregnancy profiles LOL) But my H was understanding and that made me want to TRY to feel better. Thats about all the help I have, sorry


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## big will (Oct 20, 2010)

Well OK then... this is a forum and I was here for opinions on an issue... I don't talk to my friends about it and I don't talk to her friends about it... This is the one place I can come for others advice and opinions anonymously. She knows I am flustered but it doesn't stop me from loving her and taking care of the things that need to be done. My wife and I have a beautiful relationship which I cherish. I have bought her flowers for no reason gotten her gifts because I was thinking of her or the new baby performed multiple tasks for her given her massages etc... And I really try not to show my frustration with the lack of intimacy. I give a lot to be the best person husband dad friend I can be. I thought this would be a good place to inquire an issue I am pondering. As far as the statement taking one for the team I thought the statement would not be taken so literally? 
To all of those with the advice thank you...
I apologize to those I caused to have flashbacks.
And anyone who thinks I am crass it was just a question a conversation I wanted to have anonymously I would never hold any of this against my wife. None of this "well I read on the internet" I just wouldn't stoop that low. Just wanted to hear others experiences and thoughts.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

big will said:


> Alright... I get it... I get it... I don't think anyone is paying attention to the question... Say you have a horrible experiance while being pregnant... how many times WOULD you take one for the team??? Once a week? Once a month? Once a trimester? Once in the nine months? Or he should think he's lucky just because you let him sleep in the same vicinity as you? Believe me, my expectations are low but in reality they are not low enough! Love all your input and ideas... I have been going through this for 5 months now, I have at one point in time tried many of your ideas and recomendations. I am not pestering her but I am a little frustrated... my love for my wife is patient and kind (at least I think it is)
> 
> Again How many times WOULD you take one for the team?
> 
> ...


Zero Times. Why don't you be a man and support your wife as she goes through terrible changes to bring your baby into the world. OK. Good.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

big will said:


> Just wanted to hear others experiences and thoughts.



Isn't that what you got?


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I hated being pregnant, didn't like my shape changing. But my husband loved it and he made me feel beautiful and desirable and we had great sex all threw both pregnancies. Only time there was discomfort was right at the end, and in those instances he was careful and caring and we tried some big belly friendly positions  

I had a separated pelvic with our 2nd which could at times be very painful and he still managed to make me comfortable and give us both pleasure.

You need to talk to her and tell her how much you love her and want her and how much you need to still connect with her and that you will be gentle. Go get a book or look on line for position suggestions.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Will,

My wife turned basically insane regarding her personal appearance, her thoughts on what I thought about it, and about sex.

I remember one time that turned into this bizarre crying jag, then angry argument that left me bewildered.

hadn't had sex for two months, she was about 5 months preggers. She was sitting on the couch watching tv. I was in the kitchen, leaning across bar looking at her trying to figure out how to get laid. 

I catch her eye and think, Hmm, she's getting my drift!

Then she opens her mouth and says:

"Why are you looking at me like that? You think I'm fat, I can't believe you have the gall to think that way when I'm sitting here getting bigger and bigger with your baby!"

Then the tears start and I'm already on the defensive for her nutty thinking.

So I fess up and tell her the truth, that I wasn't thinking that way at all, in fact I was hoping we could make love.

But her pregnancy-addled mind was having none of it.

"So now you want sex? Make up your mind. How can I be so fat to you and you still want sex? What am I a piece of meat?"

This exchange went on for awhile. Nothing I could say made sense to her and absolutely nothing she said was rational.

I sure hope you don't face this level of hormone-fueled nonsense, but you just might want to give up on the take one for the team theory. Because your lead-off batter isn't hitting.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Michzz,
The lead off batter hasn't even made it to the stadium yet.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

michzz said:


> Will,
> 
> My wife turned basically insane regarding her personal appearance, her thoughts on what I thought about it, and about sex.
> 
> ...


Oh my gosh! This is so funny! It's exactly how insane you feel (as the woman)! hahahaha


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