# Ahhh!!!! R is so hard at the moment..



## Butterfly0225 (Aug 22, 2013)

My husband and I have been reconciled for 7 months. We separated after the birth of our child. We didn't have any infidelity or anything like that but there has been ALOT of hurt on both sides. At the moment it just seems so hard. We have been fighting about old issues quite a bit and I have been struggling with it all. My question is to those who have reconciled, how did you get through the tough times??????


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I think it really depends on the old issues that are causing you such difficulty. The answer for getting through will be different between couples. Though one thing for sure is to find a way to stop the constant fighting, or at least reduce it by having specific time set aside for issue discussion (and a rule for taking a break when one or both people become too upset).

At one point, I had to put stickies on my bathroom mirror reminding me of just those things.  Now we're good. It's hard to condense this, but for us, the answer seemed to be setting limits, working on our communication, letting go of fear, opening up to each other again, and trusting that we wanted to meet each other's needs and didn't want to hurt each other. It's always a work in progress, but we haven't had a fight for two months now.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I love the bathroom mirror stickies idea. I used to do something similar when I was needing to remind myself to focus on my wife's love language each morning, words of affirmation.

Yeah I think it mostly depends on what the old issues are, but my question is what did you both do during your time apart to heal? Did you get into therapy? Did you read a handful of books that are helpful on that topic? Problems don't just go away with time, they either grow stronger in hiding or at the very least they lie in waiting until the memory comes roaring back and is as destructive as ever. 

Your post isn't very detailed, so offering up some more background info might be helpful.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Communication was key for us in R. Ours was different than yours sounds. We never fought, just grew apart completely after our 18th year of marriage. We were sexless for years and I had an EA that threw everything into a tailspin. I didnt think he gave a #@%, but he did. He fought to save our marriage, and he did. We have never been happier. We no longer go silent on eachother, we talk about absolutely everything! We work hard at this everday. 

Would you care to share more details? We may be able to help you out better if you do.


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