# Married too young and now I want my life back?



## joshowers63 (Jul 3, 2017)

My husband and I fell in love at 16, proposed at 17 and were married at 19. We're 22 now. We have been together a total of 6 years from the start. While I've been mostly happy these 6 years with some pretty major issues with his anxiety (No job, dropped out of high school, etc) but he's working on them. 

For my leadership club in college I went to a week long trip in Louisville and for the months leading up to this, we fought weekly about me going. I was getting really impatient with him. finally, when I went I got so many experiances. I went out drinking at a bar with friends for the first time ever, I went out all night partying until the bars closed one night. I went to a strip club and played games with my friends in our hotel. it was glorious. 

but every single day my husband was texting me. we argued about how I wasn't checking in often enough about where I was at night when at first I was just drinking. I didn't do more of the crazy stuff until he said he didn't trust me because I wasn't checking in. I got more and more frustrated and angry about the whole situation that I wished so strongly that I didn't have to leave Louisville... I was sure I could make it with 12$ and a suitcase of clothes... But I didn't stay I came home to more fighting which actually leads to us breaking up for about 20 mins until finally, he swore he would get better, get medication, get his GED his license, get all of his **** together. 

this lead to our most recent fight because he thought I didn't believe he would do it and that I didn't want to try to make this relationship work. when in reality it wasnt that I didn't believe him... I just partly didn't want the relationship to work. Now don't get me wrong I love my husband but I'm not sure I love him in a romantic way anymore maybe I do but more importantly is the fact that I will never get my chance to be independent, to own a tiny home in Portland, OR, to have sex with more than one guy, or a woman even! The fact that I will never be able to travel the world for a year with nothing but a backpack and some dreams. I'll never be able to do a tour with Ameri-corp or hike the Pacific Trail or any of the things I long to do with my life... I'm so scared that staying with him because I care about and love him isn't enough to negate my dreams. I feel as though I missed out so much and I'm just realizing it and I'm pretty sure I want to catch this wave of life before I'm too old to do it...

I've just been depressed and I feel terrible about having these thoughts but I'm finally losing weight and getting healthy and in shape just thinking about the possibilities of this... am I wrong to want to leave my husband?

Update: I did end up separating with him. I'm not sure why towards the end of the post everyone and their dogs jumped on the Joshowers63 is a cheater bandwagon but I am not. while I would love to have other sexual experiences I would never do that while in a relationship. but thanks for being just like my controlling, manipulative husband who didn't trust me and make ridiculous assumptions because I played drunk card games.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You two are too young to be married. Divorce him. Tell him you'd be fine dating him to see if you're still compatible. Your marriage isn't going to last. Trust me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have wondrous dreams. Youthful dreams.

You also have an anchor. And it is doing it's job....holding you back from crashing on the rocks.

An honest anchor, an active anchor...one still in service. 

The anchor is your husband. It has barnacles on it, it has tons of seaweed on it from dragging the bottom of life's.....despair.

The problem is this. Your husband is a Tug Boat.

You have matured, will matriculate from college soon. You need a newer boat, one better suited for your temperment. Get a Caravel, a small maneuverable sailing ship. 

You need to divorce your husband. He was yesterday's dream boat, now he is in disrepair. 

Do not cheat on him, please. After divorce find your dreams. Any man that takes your fancy can sail in your boat, can pull your riggin's, drop his anchor in your warm bay.

After divorce, cease contact with your EX. You will hurt him by divorcing him. Do not let him hear of your successes in travel, career, and man hunting. 

It is his loss. He did not do the maintenance on his craft, his career or his personality.

Enjoy this short life.....hurting no one intentionally.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

given the jealous behavior that your husband exhibited while you were away, I might consider whether he is fooling around himself. 

Like the others have said, this is a good time to divorce. You probably have no assets to fight over. no children to arrange custody for. If he is going to behave the way he did during your trip, imagine what he will be like in any other situation. do you want a husband who follows you to work? questions all of your friendships? possibly make it difficult and maintain a job? This guy sounds he like he is capable of it. And the sooner that you accept that someone can do that to their spouse, at least you'll recognize the first time that it happens.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You are young and need to be living your life now! He needs to get his life together also. It won't be easier as you age so yes I would divorce and experience life! It is time.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Nope, this seems normal. You got married way too young. Your husband is a loser, I don't blame you for having regret.

Just tell him it's over and move out. Find a place to first. Shouldn't take long, especially with no kids or real estate.


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## joshowers63 (Jul 3, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Just tell him it's over and move out. Find a place to first. Shouldn't take long, especially with no kids or real estate.


Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

joshowers63 said:


> Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~


Actually that should make it easier. He has no claim on your mother's real estate. 

If you're concerned about his financial situation, giving him the boot is probably the best thing for him--it will force him to start working. Independent of your marital problems, continuing to provide him rent free space is only stunting his growth.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

joshowers63 said:


> Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~


So?

Whose fault is that? 

Certainly isn't YOURS. 

He'll never grow up while he's got you for a momma.

Do him a favor and divorce him. It won't happen overnight anyway. Just tell him you're filing, and you're giving him until August 31 to get a new place.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think it is ever a good idea to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy. You don't need to tell him you are unhappy with him, just that you have changed and that you are no longer the person he married. 

He will not be happy living his life with someone who is disappointed in him either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

turnera said:


> You two are too young to be married. Divorce him. Tell him you'd be fine dating him to see if you're still compatible. Your marriage isn't going to last. Trust me.


Some of the happiest marriages I know were between couples who married that young. It was normal when I was that age to marry then. I married at 19, I didnt think it was too young, and I had my first child age 21.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Married too young. I suspect that even if he did straighten out his individual situation, that things would not improve. One way or another, I don't really see any outcome other than divorce.

Now that that is out of the way...what about you? You have these dreams, many of which can be expensive, while taking away time to support yourself. You say you two live with your mom...are you in a position job wise where you can support yourself? As in shelter, food, utilities, day to day living expenses? Student loans and grants don't count.

While I can absolutely understand the feelings you are having with regards to getting to live your life and things you feel you have been held back on, simply dropping your husband will not fix the fact that life happens and there are struggles, especially if one make the choice to support themself and not rely on others to do it for them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Some of the happiest marriages I know were between couples who married that young. It was normal when I was that age to marry then. I married at 19, I didnt think it was too young, and I had my first child age 21.


Did your husband quit school, refuse to get a GED, refuse to get a job, and then live off his wife's mother?


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## joshowers63 (Jul 3, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> I suspect that even if he did straighten out his individual situation, that things would not improve.


Me too  I feel like we're too different first of all and second I feel like I'm the wrong person if I'm always day dreaming about running away.



samyeagar said:


> You have these dreams, many of which can be expensive, while taking away time to support yourself. You say you two live with your mom...are you in a position job wise where you can support yourself? As in shelter, food, utilities, day to day living expenses? Student loans and grants don't count.


Yes I work a full time job which makes 3-4$ abov minimum wage, I'm going to graduate an RN and make 55-65K per year and have money, I'm a very minimalist person and can live off of very little my only financial strain really is my husband, and his expensive hobbies (which he swears he fully intends to repay me for, which again I believe he would do anything to save this relationship) we moved in with my mom because while attending nursing school full time I couldnt work enough hours to cover 600 in rent and 500 in utilities on one paycheck. I have to take a break from school due to some late assignments. 



samyeagar said:


> While I can absolutely understand the feelings you are having with regards to getting to live your life and things you feel you have been held back on, simply dropping your husband will not fix the fact that life happens and there are struggles, especially if one make the choice to support themself and not rely on others to do it for them.


I just feel like I'm not doing this because living with him is a struggle per-say its that he's so controlling and I'm afraid he wont change. not to mention I just feel like I've been living his version of life, no partying no going out, no interesting activities and I'm starting to realize slowly that i am nothing like him in that regard... I'm social I love being around people and having tons of friends, I love going out to drink with friends, I love whisky! I'd never had anything but cheap beer before this (all of this I found out in Lousiville)... and its these discoveries about me that I never found out until I was a way from my husband that make me question if I even know myself at all... its not about the money or the career or the laziness anymore... I think its about me and for once in my life I wonder if I should be selfish...


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Why is he not working? Why isn't he working in a warehouse or driving a delivery route? Why isnt' he working at a gas station or McDonalds?

You have two choices. Give him 6 months to clean up his act and become the husband you want/need. Or cut your loses and start over with life. 

I'd divorce and start over. You'll have regrets if you don't and living with regrets is the worst thing that can happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joshowers63 said:


> Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~


Does he have a family?

Does he have friends?

Tell him that he needs to get a job because he has to move out.

He is the one who has refused to do things like get his GED, etc. 

The fact that he has not done these things and so is unable to take care of himself is his fault, not yours. He needs reality to hit him square in the face so that he will grow up.

You and your mother are part of the problem here because the two of you are enabling him to remain the way he is.

I could join the military. But I'm not even sure that they would take his since he does not even have a GED.

What about the job core? Look up the Job Core where you live. He should be able to get in with them. They provide a place to live and job training.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

joshowers63 said:


> Me too  I feel like we're too different first of all and second I feel like I'm the wrong person if I'm always day dreaming about running away.
> Yes I work a full time job which makes 3-4$ abov minimum wage, I'm going to graduate an RN and make 55-65K per year and have money, I'm a very minimalist person and can live off of very little my only financial strain really is my husband, and his expensive hobbies (which he swears he fully intends to repay me for, which again I believe he would do anything to save this relationship) we moved in with my mom because while attending nursing school full time I couldnt work enough hours to cover 600 in rent and 500 in utilities on one paycheck. I have to take a break from school due to some late assignments.


This is shameful. You are doing all the work _and _working to improve yourself. If he was working hard to put you through college, that would be one thing, but he's providing _nothing_. The fact that he is not supporting you in any way is, by itself, a huge neon red flag. That he tries to control you on top of providing zero support only exacerbates an already horrible situation. And expensive hobbies? You are working, schooling and paying for his hobbies? Egad! Your whole path is lined with massive red flags. He has no job--how the heck is he supposed to "pay you back?" Does he have a plan? Has he done anything to indicate that, even if he had a plan, he is _capable_/motivated to execute it? You have seen a well established pattern of behavior here--there is nothing to indicate that will change in the future. Once you start earning that higher nurse's salary, there'll just be more of it going to his toys. I see no silver lining here. None. 





joshowers63 said:


> I just feel like I'm not doing this because living with him is a struggle per-say its that he's so controlling and I'm afraid he wont change. not to mention I just feel like I've been living his version of life, no partying no going out, no interesting activities and I'm starting to realize slowly that i am nothing like him in that regard... I'm social I love being around people and having tons of friends, I love going out to drink with friends, I love whisky! I'd never had anything but cheap beer before this (all of this I found out in Lousiville)... and its these discoveries about me that I never found out until I was a way from my husband that make me question if I even know myself at all... its not about the money or the career or the laziness anymore... I think its about me and for once in my life I wonder if I should be selfish...


Here's the thing--you could hang out with friends, and even drink 'til your heart's (and liver's) content while married. There are plenty of married couples who are social, social drinkers, partyers, etc. There are even a few who have one social butterfly and one wallflower, and they still make it work. Whether or not you think it's about the job/laziness, it is to some degree, even if you don't realize it consciously. And even if it honestly isn't now, it most definitely will be some day in the not to distant future. Please don't discount the corrosive effect of this aspect of your very unbalanced marriage. 

You have multiple disconnects, and your wanting to sow a few wild oats isn't even the most serious of them, especially when you think long term. You could go party hardy for a while and get it out of your system, but you will never outgrow the desire for a strong and supportive partner who wants to contribute his fair share... and is willing to let you be you.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I am 50, married at 21 to a girl i met when i was 16, she was 15 and bloody hard work from the start, she had low self esteem and i was over 6'5" and a boxer, i had no issues at all but her anxieties. My marriage was hard work up until 3 weeks ago when she walked out for a younger man. My point is this, too young for anything is wrong, people should not get married until late 20's at least, enjoy your life, learn your life lessons without worrying about somebody always looking over your shoulder. At your age you have so much life in you to be stifled by a partner who is going to send you to the divorce courts so quick that you might as well end it now as later.
Love and peace always
KevinZX


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## joshowers63 (Jul 3, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Why is he not working? Why isn't he working in a warehouse or driving a delivery route? Why isnt' he working at a gas station or McDonalds?


Because he doesnt "want a job that will make him miserable" I know it sounds ridiculous cuz I totally love wiping people's asses all day <.< I have told him that and he's willing to work on it... he blames his anxiety for it though.



GuyInColorado said:


> You have two choices. Give him 6 months to clean up his act and become the husband you want/need. Or cut your loses and start over with life.


I am. I'm giving him a year because I'm generous and I want time to make myself better before that time too just incase some of it is me. I dont know how I'm going to survive though... he seems to want to pretend everything is alright but I dont want to snuggle with him or have sex or really talk to him because I'm so frustrated and afraid of the next fight


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joshowers63 said:


> Because he doesnt "want a job that will make him miserable" I know it sounds ridiculous cuz I totally love wiping people's asses all day <.< I have told him that and he's willing to work on it... he blames his anxiety for it though.


Of course he has an excuse on every level. He can only have those excuses because you allow it. If you did not allow him to use these excuses he would have his GED, he would have a job and he might even be getting some kind of education or vocational training.

You are part of the problem here.

There is a book that I think would greatly benefit you: Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency 

Codependency is when you put the misbehavior (addictions, lazy behavior, etc) of your spouse ahead of your own needs. It's when you end up destroying yourself in order to help your spouse engage in bad behavior. 

Please read the book and learn how to untangle yourself from this boy.



joshowers63 said:


> I am. I'm giving him a year because I'm generous and I want time to make myself better before that time too just incase some of it is me. I dont know how I'm going to survive though... he seems to want to pretend everything is alright but I dont want to snuggle with him or have sex or really talk to him because I'm so frustrated and afraid of the next fight


You can make yourself better without being married to him.

If you stay married to him, he is not going to believe that you mean what you say. He's controlling of you because he's afraid to lose his enabler. Without you he will need to grow up.

What you are suggesting here, to stay with him for a year and all the while you don't want to be with him is just wrong in so many ways.

It does not take a year to find a job. Give him 3 months. If he does not have a job in 3 months, then file for divorce. Remember that a divorce is not final until the judge signs it. It can take a year or two to get a divorce. And there is also remarriage after divorce. Let him fight for your marriage under the knowledge that you are indeed ending the relationship unless he completely changes his ways.

Would you want to be married to someone who felt about you in the way you feel about him? I know I would not. It's a form of abuse.. making you the abuser. Keep that in mind. IT's better to honest, then what you are proposing.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

joshowers63 said:


> I just feel like I've been living his version of life, no partying no going out, no interesting activities and I'm starting to realize slowly that i am nothing like him in that regard... I'm social I love being around people and having tons of friends, I love going out to drink with friends, I love whisky! I'd never had anything but cheap beer before this (all of this I found out in Lousiville)... and its these discoveries about me that I never found out until I was a way from my husband that make me question if I even know myself at all... its not about the money or the career or the laziness anymore... I think its about me and for once in my life I wonder if I should be selfish...


I got married at 20. I never experienced any of the single life stuff, so I do know where you are coming from. 

Be cautious about revisionist history. Before you went away for this weekend to the dazzling city of Louisville, how would you have described your marriage? I'm guessing you gushed to your friends and family about how much in love you were. Reflect on all the positive things you have told others about your mate over the years. Should you throw away your marriage, vows, and husband because you got a taste of the party girl life? That is your decision. Perhaps you didn't desire that lifestyle before because you were happy, in love, and content being with your husband. Reach into your heart and see if that statement could hold some truth. 

Getting a taste of the wild side appealed to you. It is immature to be ready to toss family and values based on a few days of vacation. Sorry, but that is not real life. Not real life as an adult anyway. Life is challenging, and if we forgo our commitments, and choose to just have fun instead, your chances of long term success aren't that great. 

So while it very well may be the right choice for you to divorce, you are wise to not jump the gun and do it quickly. It's smart that you are giving him some time. Just try really hard to be honest with yourself and smart about your decisions. 

Did you get married too young? Probably. Would you do things different if you had more wisdom and life experience? Maybe. If you have no moral or religious objection to divorce, then do it. I agree, it will be much less complicated now, verses later. Just know this, in every committed relationship options arise constantly to escape. You can only use the "I was too young" card for so long. Then it will become other reasons.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

turnera said:


> Did your husband quit school, refuse to get a GED, refuse to get a job, and then live off his wife's mother?


We both worked from 18. The fact that he wont work is nothing to do with age, but laziness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> We both worked from 18. The fact that he wont work is nothing to do with age, but laziness.


It's too young for him in particular. He clearly needs to be on his own and learn that in this world, he has to work and support himself. He went from his parents supporting him to his wife supporting him.. putting her in the position of being his parent.

Not everyone matures at the same rate.

A couple of hundred years ago, women were married at the age of 12/13. They were raised to be able to handle that. Most of todays youth are not raised to be able to handle an early marriage.

It generally takes people until their late 20's to age 30 to be able to support themselves now. After all, people used to live on farms and were able to survive pretty well with no job and little to no money. Today people cannot survive without money and it takes a job to get money for 99% of the world population.

When our youth graduate from high school, they generally do not even have the basic skills to get a job, much less a job that they can support a family on. After high school, a young person now has to go to years of vocational training or college to even get a decent job.

Today, most marriages at an early age end in divorce.... it's the group with the highest divorce rate.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

joshowers63 said:


> I am. I'm giving him a year because I'm generous and I want time to make myself better before that time too just incase some of it is me. I dont know how I'm going to survive though... he seems to want to pretend everything is alright but I dont want to snuggle with him or have sex or really talk to him because I'm so frustrated and afraid of the next fight


You sound mature enough to be married, but he does not. And from what you describe, I'm not sure he will ever be. He just doesn't have the personality traits necessary to make a marriage last decades and decades. 

I have no doubt that you felt burning, deep, passionate love when you were first together. There's nothing like young love. But it's clear that the passion has clouded your vision and you are trying to save something which can't really be saved. I'm sure you're hoping that he'll turn around and be a great husband, partner, and friend, but that's not very likely. The far more common outcome is that you try and try for years and he never changes and you get more and more depressed.

He needs to grow up and you need to find the right partner for you. I'm sure it will be hard, but I feel breaking up is really the right thing for both of you. Being a nurse you likely have a strong sense of compassion and caring, but sometimes you have to let go because you won't be able to fix all the problems.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> We both worked from 18. The fact that he wont work is nothing to do with age, but laziness.


That's what I figured. But that is not what OP has. She has a deadbeat husband who's content to let his wife literally do all the work. THAT marriage won't last.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

A year can seem endless when you're in the situation you're in.

He felt you were his gravy train. He won't let go easily.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A year isn't going to change anything. Cut him off now before you get a good paying job and wind up having to provide support for him 'til he can provide for himself. That's going to be tough since he doesn't even have a driver's license or a GED. He's 22 - just when was he going to get around to learning how to drive or getting that GED or even (God forbid) a job that makes him miserable? When was he planning on getting some self-respect?

How has your mom tolerated having this lay-about live with her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are these expensive hobbies of his?


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Oh no. Just no. He doesn't get to have expensive hobbies until he can pay for them himself, AFTER taking care of the real obligations. You really need to put an end to that, like yesterday.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Young lady, I am an old married man, and father of a young woman. In short, your marriage was a mistake. You have tied yourself to an emotional cripple who may one day have promise, but right now, all he can give you is promises. You really should dissolve the marriage. If he is the right one, let him fix himself, and he will find his way back to you. You, on the other hand, are at this point headed in the right direction and you do need to be free of him. At this point in your life, you will be tied down. You cannot succeed in a career with him calling you at all hours of the workday to give him reassurance that you are being faithful. Grow up, tell him that you are done, and that you need to be rid of him in order to move forward.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Leave him for him. It is the greatest thing you could do for him right now. And not that I care, but it is the best thing you could do for yourself as well.

Please split up. Before it gets worse. You BOTH get a do-over this way. Win-win.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

joshowers63 said:


> Me too  I feel like we're too different first of all and second I feel like I'm the wrong person if I'm always day dreaming about running away.
> <snip>





GuyInColorado said:


> Why is he not working? Why isn't he working in a warehouse or driving a delivery route? Why isnt' he working at a gas station or McDonalds?
> 
> You have two choices. Give him 6 months to clean up his act and become the husband you want/need. Or cut your loses and start over with life.
> 
> I'd divorce and start over. You'll have regrets if you don't and living with regrets is the worst thing that can happen.


This^

When I was that age, I didn't know what the **** I wanted to do with myself, honestly. Not to this degree, but all the same. It's quite normal at this age. The problem is - you do. He sees this, and he's trying to drag you down. Probably subconsciously, I might add. He sees that you're going places, and recognizes that (at the moment) he isn't.

As Guy says, give him 6 months. He needs a wake up call. Not just for the marriage, but for life in general. Do you owe him this chance? I think you do. I don't think you should just cold dump him like others are saying.

I'd sit him down and explain to him that the two of you are going in vastly different directions - one up, one down - and that you'd much prefer that he joined you on the upward trajectory. It's not an ultimatum - "shape up or ship out" - it's a wake-up call.

The reality is that he may not be prepared for it just yet. His moment may come sometime in the future, and because of something else. The two of you are simply on different life schedules at this moment in time. Whether he chooses to join you on yours is up to him. You may be surprised.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Sadly, when you wed, you both were far too immature and totally lacking in understanding as to what marriage is. Presently, there is no hope for this marriage. He is too immature to hold a job and your mind is replete with grandiose notions of what life can be. At this point it would be prudent to go your separate ways and look upon this as a lesson in life, of which there will be many, many more.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

You went away for a week and cheated on your husband. I'm not clear how far it went, but it was stuff you are not supposed to do with others, right?

That's what you did, right? You were mad at him. Does that make what you did ok? If he was away, you had a fight, and he did what you did, what would you do? How would you feel?

Sure, the way you tell it he has issues too, and everyone has picked up on them, so I don't need to repeat them. But you also have some work to do on yourself. 

The thing is, a lot of those dreams you described can be shared by a couple. You don't need to divorce to go hiking for example. You do have some challenges....married young, don't really have your lives together yet. And you are at a point where the gloss has worn off and marriage is often hard work. So you do have some very real problems. And marriage is a choice. All of us want sex with multiple people. We control that and set boundaries for ourselves. You can't have everything. You have to make choices.

If you don't understand these things, there is an issue with your maturity as well. But if you work at the problems instead of giving up, you can find a whole new level of intimacy. Are you the sort of person who can work at problems or are you a quitter when it get some tough? You have to decide.

I don't know if you are going to make it or not, but I know that some of the problems are you, and if you leave the marriage they will go with you. One day you will have to work on them.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I agree with those who say you probably married too young. However there are many that got married at 19 yet don't feel the way you do. So why did you marry him? 

I also agree that he needs to up his game and finish his studies. He needs to be given support in achieving this. 

You enjoy partying - this would eventually get to you cheating on him.

My question is why can't you do the things you dream of with him?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

joshowers63 said:


> Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~


OMG are you kidding me?

What kind of complete LOSER thinks it's perfectly ok to let his damned Mother-in-Law support his pitiful ass?

How can you even respect such a *loser*?

Good lord.

Call a lawyer.

Today.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Typically the military (all branches last time I looked) does not take anyone with a GED unless they have at least 15 semester hours of 100 level or higher college courses as well.



EleGirl said:


> Does he have a family?
> 
> Does he have friends?
> 
> ...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP:

Yes, your H is a deadbeat.

However, whether you divorce him or not, you need to read this repeatedly until is sinks in.



Wazza said:


> You went away for a week and cheated on your husband. I'm not clear how far it went, but it was stuff you are not supposed to do with others, right?
> 
> That's what you did, right? You were mad at him. Does that make what you did ok? If he was away, you had a fight, and he did what you did, what would you do? How would you feel?
> 
> ...


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> given the jealous behavior that your husband exhibited while you were away, I might consider whether he is fooling around himself.



Jealous behavior? She's a married woman drinking all night,playing 'games' in her hotel room with friends and kissing girls in strip clubs. I'd venture his suspicions are spot on, and maybe she needs to grow up and get her **** together, while he gets a job.


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## CaliRN13 (Jun 30, 2017)

joshowers63 said:


> Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~


Break up with him... give him _______ days to find a job and ____ days to move to a friends couch. Or let him stay and pay your mom rent.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I don't think it is ever a good idea to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy. You don't need to tell him you are unhappy with him, just that you have changed and that you are no longer the person he married.
> 
> He will not be happy living his life with someone who is disappointed in him either.


Ah, my knighted friend from another life. A life in pre-medieval England.

Uhtred, son of Uhtred. All of your loves were taken from you.

And you loved them so strongly, so completely. The forces of change...so powerful they were.

You would never let this women go. Yet you encourage her to flee this unformed peasant.

I too would go crazy with jealousy with her travel, her plans. With her growing enlightenment. 

I would look at her as one does a blossoming flower. I would gaze in awe. And if that flower would leave my grasp....I shudder to think what I would do.

When I love a women....they stay loved.

Oh, I know.. I told her to leave him too. But her husband is not me. And she would never get away from me. I never let them go.

Yeah, right.....:|

Love is a arrow in one heart or the others'.......... Later, after much anguish, one dies, the other lives on.

Just Sayin'


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It was quite convenient that Uhtred never had to leave any of those women. 



SunCMars said:


> Ah, my knighted friend from another life. A life in pre-medieval England.
> 
> Uhtred, son of Uhtred. All of your loves were taken from you.
> 
> ...


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## joshowers63 (Jul 3, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Be cautious about revisionist history. Before you went away for this weekend to the dazzling city of Louisville, how would you have described your marriage? I'm guessing you gushed to your friends and family about how much in love you were. Reflect on all the positive things you have told others about your mate over the years. Should you throw away your marriage, vows, and husband because you got a taste of the party girl life? That is your decision. Perhaps you didn't desire that lifestyle before because you were happy, in love, and content being with your husband. Reach into your heart and see if that statement could hold some truth.


I have been having issues years before Louisville. and the worst of them because of going to louisville not the partying I did there. I am "throwing my marriage away" over controlling, manipulative behavior, and a man who has been draining me of my money and my happiness for years because his happiness is more important than mine. I am "throwing my marriage away" because this man doesnt respect me, trust me, or love me in a healthy way. He loves me because he's afraid of loving anyone else and I support him. 

I am not a party girl now because I had fun in louisville but the concept of never going out and having fun because some leech doesnt want me too is a legitimate reason to "throw my marriage away"


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## joshowers63 (Jul 3, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What are these expensive hobbies of his?


Videogames, digital art, music so I bought him a computer, a piano keyboard, an art display, headphones, and a mic... close to 3k
Camping but he wants way more camping supplies than I would ever need myself
Old school videogame systems... those are just the ones I can think of.

all in all he has probably cost me around 5 grand for his hobbies because I'm too giving and let him have them.


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## joshowers63 (Jul 3, 2017)

Wazza said:


> You went away for a week and cheated on your husband. I'm not clear how far it went, but it was stuff you are not supposed to do with others, right?
> 
> That's what you did, right? You were mad at him. Does that make what you did ok? If he was away, you had a fight, and he did what you did, what would you do? How would you feel?


No. I didn;t go away for a week and cheat on him, I drank alcohol and went with friends. The worst thing I did was go to a strip club and its not like looking is a problem in anyone's relationships and it wasn't even my idea. last time I checked alcohol and boobies does not a cheater make.

I never cheated on him, ever and the fact that him and people assume that is absurd. your whole comment is absurd because I was mad at him but even through my anger I would never do something like that because I"m not a garbage person.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

joshowers63 said:


> I have been having issues years before Louisville. and the worst of them because of going to louisville not the partying I did there. I am "throwing my marriage away" over controlling, manipulative behavior, and a man who has been draining me of my money and my happiness for years because his happiness is more important than mine. I am "throwing my marriage away" because this man doesnt respect me, trust me, or love me in a healthy way. He loves me because he's afraid of loving anyone else and I support him.
> 
> I am not a party girl now because I had fun in louisville but the concept of never going out and having fun because some leech doesnt want me too is a legitimate reason to "throw my marriage away"


As has been said, the best thing you could do for BOTH of you is file for divorce.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife and I married at 20. We both had not experienced life much. However we did not let marriage get in our way. I found a good job and was able to buy us a house in two years. We travelled the world together wife swapped, threesomes and other group sex so my once virgin wife could experience sex with others. She even had sex with a woman who ended up forming a poly triad with us and loving both me and my wife for 30 years. We moved 13 times and are living in our 9th house. 

We have done a lot since I like new experiences, good or bad. My wife loves our life and has been with me for 45 years. We also do things apart. I have traveled to 20 countries without her and gone on road trips with my friends. She goes out with her friends 3 night every week. I never had sex with others when away from home. She did not want any other guys after trying that. .She had her lifelong girlfriend and me which was all that she wants even though she was free to date whomever she wanted to. 

Marriage does not have to mean the end of your life unless you make it so. My wife was a 20 year old virgin when we met and I was the one who felt that she should experience sex with others. Back in my day there was no internet or cable TV so my wife did not even know how sex should be. I wanted her to experience life and she did with me. 

We all dream of what could have been but mostly if we get the chance, we do not act on it. Dreaming and doing are two different things. I can think of many people I knew in high school with dreams who never did anything about them. Most are doing things they said they never would do and never did the things they said they would do. The town drug dealer is married, has two kids and holds an elected office. Another who was a hippie and wanted to backpack the world ended up selling appliances in a small town despite his college degree. My ex fiance was a free spirit. She ended up sleeping with guys for a roof over her head, became addicted to drugs, moved to a commune where she was passed from man to man and woman to woman. She got pregnant but did not know who the father was since she was stoned and had sex all the time. She developed mental problems and started hearing voices that guided her life in a negative way. She was valedictorian of her high school and planned to be a lawyer. 

Do not regret what you wanted to do because most of us never do what we wanted in life. I was supposed to be a doctor but I ended up dropping out of college after my Freshman year. My life is nothing like I dreamed it would be. It is actually better because I got married. Here is something to read about the various kinds of love. You probably have gone past the Romantic love stage and are now at the point where you must decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with your husband. If so, a new kind of love builds. There is no law that says you have to be monogamous or cannot travel just because you are married. To tell the truth, travelling with my wife was much better than travelling alone or with friends.

How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201310/the-curious-couples-guide-occasional-non-monogamy


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@Vinnydee your wife doesn't sound like she was an anchor pulling you under. This guy is an anchor. Travel, socializing, working and living life isn't fun when you're dragging a heavy anchor behind you. It's exhausting and life draining. If he were a fully functioning mature adult male with a steady job and a plan, my opinion and advice would be different. As is, he's an overgrown teenager and not fit to be a steady boyfriend, much less a husband, to an adult woman.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

joshowers63 said:


> No. I didn;t go away for a week and cheat on him, I drank alcohol and went with friends. The worst thing I did was go to a strip club and its not like looking is a problem in anyone's relationships and it wasn't even my idea. last time I checked alcohol and boobies does not a cheater make.
> 
> I never cheated on him, ever and the fact that him and people assume that is absurd. your whole comment is absurd because I was mad at him but even through my anger I would never do something like that because I"m not a garbage person.


I missed your first post. I apologise. 

Also sorry to read that you have separated.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

joshowers63 said:


> I have been having issues years before Louisville. and the worst of them because of going to louisville not the partying I did there. I am "throwing my marriage away" over controlling, manipulative behavior, and a man who has been draining me of my money and my happiness for years because his happiness is more important than mine. I am "throwing my marriage away" because this man doesnt respect me, trust me, or love me in a healthy way. He loves me because he's afraid of loving anyone else and I support him.
> 
> I am not a party girl now because I had fun in louisville but the concept of never going out and having fun because some leech doesnt want me too is a legitimate reason to "throw my marriage away"


Notice what I _actually_ wrote. No where did I say you were a party girl. I said you got a taste of that lifestyle. I also never said you were throwing your marriage away. Rather, I asked you to consider if you should. You came here for help and opinions. You have a lot of people that are older and wiser than you at 20. If you simply wanted to hear only what you wanted to hear, you could have gotten that from your girlfriends. You made it sound like part of you loves him and wants this to work. You even said you were going to give him a long timeline to make changes. We can only go off of what you said.

Sounds like you have thought a lot more about this since your original post. If this is what you had posted from the start, I would have said, "Read your post, the answer is clearly there". Good luck in whatever you decide.


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## Wantpeace (Sep 5, 2017)

I was wondering about the excuse that he has anxiety and can’t get a job. How does he function in any other environment? Does he actually have a mental illness or is he just lazy? Is he afraid to go places or meet new people? If he is high anxiety is he getting help for it? Anxiety can be life crippling to the point of being a disability. If he just has normal nervous jitters about getting a job he should just get his butt moving. Big difference between being nervous and a problem with anxiety. 

He could also get a job like a trash collector. It is crappy work but pays very well. No doubt with your potential RN income and him doing something like trash collecting as a couple you could easily make over $100.000.00 a year. Do that for a few years and you could by a big property and turn his camping hobby into a business. As you can see I am a bit a dreamer. However he needs to do something other than “video games.” Regardless of what you decide, he needs a wakeup call if he is not working on himself.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Hi OP I see you have already separated.

I agree that you were both too young, but not necessarily in years. You were both too immature for marriage- you for never having experienced life, and him for never growing up at all.

I hope you find happiness xx


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