# Really really odd situation help!



## Jaybee37 (Dec 11, 2012)

Hi guys, I'm newly registered and in need of a few points of view...

Firstly: my situation...

I was with my ex wife for ten years. She was 16 when I met her (UK) and I was 19. We grew together, had 2 great kids and married in our 20's. My ex decided that she was a different person with different needs and announced that she wanted a separation. I was upset, angry and just generally devastated. We've always been good mates though and because we've recently separated, we are still both in the family home. Finances, Xmas coming up and our work situations dictate this FOR NOW!

What I need advice on, is her conduct with her new guy...

We agreed to each other that if any potential future partners tried to stop us being best friends, we'd prioritise each other and ditch them until we found potential suitors who were ok with the arrangement. I've met her new guy a lot of times and he's polite in my presence. There's been a few incidents though where I've had to endure the 'sex sounds' whilst me and my kids are in the same house. This has happened twice that I have proof of and I suspect I heard another time with no evidence. I wasn't happy, not just because I didn't want to hear it, but my kids were literally within a 10ft radius AND THEY WEREN'T VERY QUIET!

He just acts like he can get involved with tasks that I'd normally undertake - reading my kids stories, attending their school shows and he even wrapped some of my kids Xmas presents up that me and my ex got them.

My main concern of late is that he's requested the following things from my ex this Xmas:

- To stay over Xmas Eve and spend Xmas Day here, even though my ex keeps stating that she wouldn't ever allow my Xmas to be ruined (yes, she's moved on, but surely she should see him at his place later in the day?).

- To have dinner with my ex and I and my kids and my ex's brother and her brother's girlfriend.

- After Xmas, he's booked a weekend away for the pair of them to Paris, without checking that I'm available to hold the fort (she isn't meant to know, but I had to tell her because of childcare). I'm not too concerned with this as much as I am the next bit... My ex specifically made it known that she wanted to do something with me for my 30th birthday (which is just before their planned trip) and he knows this, yet still booked it anyway knowing that she'd not be able to see me on my 30th weekend.


I just generally feel like I'm in the way whilst the three of us are at mine and my ex's home. I want to resolve the housing issue soon, but as I said, finances are tight at the moment and we can't do it yet.

I invited a woman over three times to which my ex met her the first two times and she was ok with it. I didn't have sex with her whilst my kids (at grannies) or my ex was home. I did tell my ex that I had sex with her though and my ex wasn't best pleased with it. She said she found it hard to process.

The third time I brought this new woman round, she was unhappy that she was there and gave the reason "She shouldn't be meeting the kids if you've just got with her for sex". The fact is, I'm just in the early stages of dating. 

Every time I raise my concerns, we end up bickering and she gets upset and I feel guilty for it. It's my house too! 

HELP! WHAT DO I DO?

Thanks and sorry for the essay.


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## Jaybee37 (Dec 11, 2012)

I should also add that he lives with his parents and my ex is very welcome there. She goes sometimes and stays, so it's not like it's off limits.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This arrangement is just too weird for me. Due to the current living arrangements, neither of you should be having dates over to the family home.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Agreed. You both have to put a stop to this. It is very unhealthy for the the kids, and for you. 

Get out of the house as soon as you can, and set some boundaries for while you are there. You should not be ok with her bringing people home.


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## Jaybee37 (Dec 11, 2012)

Well, she'll be the one leaving and we've agreed this as well. She acts surprised when I tell her my concerns too, but I definitely agree that it's odd.

I kind of got into the mindset 'What's good for the goose, is good for the gander' and that's why I invited my new woman home, which is what sparked off the bickering. :|


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

any potential future partner is bound to be uncomfortable with you being 'best friends' - I would be...
sounds like something you say to make life bearable whereas in reality it's just not going to work that way

bringing new partners in to the house you still share as a family? no how no way, that's just too odd for me


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Date who you want to date. Don't tell your ex w your business. You need to separate from your ex w and move on.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Not sure how you even could handled a situation like this up until now. I don't think I could have without punching the guy out a few times and things becoming a little heated. 

I would have to put my foot down about having sex in your household with this guy. Especially while the kids are in earshot. 
Doesn't sound like too decent a women if you ask me.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

This is not a healthy situation for any of you.


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## Jaybee37 (Dec 11, 2012)

It's been a test of temper, I have to say, and I can rumble with the best of them. I just think that the moment I lay a finger on him, is the moment I become less of a father figure as I'll be rotting in a cell whilst he's bringing my kids up.

I'm stressed, depressed and I feel like running away, but I don't because of the kids and the fact is that when me and the ex spend time together, we have a fab time and we are really best friends.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Actually, I'm of the opinion that you guys are doing an amazing thing here - making sacrifices for the kids.

But mate, there needs to be rules. 
Both of you need to decide whether you spend holidays together or not. I suggest you draw a rota of holidays, split them into yours, mine and ours. 

Sex: Good for the goose is good for the gander. Discuss and decide how it will work. She can't say no sex for you if she's going to romp with the other fella.

Dude, if this is going to work, then there WILL be bickering. Discuss these things, make it work for the kids.

Personally, I would have sex outside the house, doesn't your lady friend have her own place?


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## Jaybee37 (Dec 11, 2012)

I've cooled things with said lady friend for now because it caused issues. The ex has agreed to see her fella at his place until she moves out, but he's reacted by saying "He's just jealous" and then proceeded to upload photos of them both [ex and her bf] to that famous social networking site in order to drive home the message "I'VE GOT HER NOW, HA HA HA!"

The content didn't bother me. It was the intent.

Anyway, me and the ex spoke nicely about it and she's working on house-hunting and she's heard my views and accepts them, although she has been really off with me since.


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