# Is it likely I'll ever find love?



## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

Meanwhile I know how forums work, this is my first time posting here. I'm going to keep it short because there was apparently some misunderstandings on another site. 

Like many women my age, my distant goal is to find love someday and form a family. I've never had a bf before nor gone out on a date. I don't even know what's it like being kissed. I'm a 19 year-old college freshman at this moment and working on myself for the meanwhile. There is a good reason for this.

I was a former troubled child and was placed in a juvenile detention center from 2010-2016. Upon my release, it was followed up with an additional 2 year supervision and more therapy. I did bad things back then and want a second chance in life. Is it likely a man will ever want a relationship with me?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If you are 19, then you got in trouble at 13. I'm going to guess your home life wasn't great. It sounds like you've worked on yourself.

Hopefully, unless you were a sociopathic child killer or something, what you did at 13 shouldn't define the rest of your life.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Be the kind of person other people want to be around and you'll have it made. It's that simple.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Much depends on how you carry your past. If you want to wear it as a choker and forever let it restrain you you will feel unworthy, and that makes relationships difficult. Sometimes even when someone tries to love you you won't believe it to be true because you don't value yourself.

Or you can use the mistakes of your youth as a stepping stone. Sure you screwed up, you own that, but you can come out the other side a much wiser and mature adult, and that my friend is a very worthy person to be in a relationship with.

I was the poster boy for "headed for life in prison". I thought very little of myself, but I learned if you give people a chance they will love and respect you. So yes you will find love, you just need to be open to accepting it and giving it.


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> If you are 19, then you got in trouble at 13. I'm going to guess your home life wasn't great. It sounds like you've worked on yourself.
> 
> Hopefully, unless you were a sociopathic child killer or something, what you did at 13 shouldn't define the rest of your life.


I was 10 years old when I got locked up and got released at age 16. At the time my diagnosis was a high level of conduct disorder and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). 

I did terrible things. I wasn't right in head at the time. It's correct that my home life wasn't great at all but I won't excuse my actions. I'll keep it short, I did these things to get locked up:

- My former friend and I beat up two small 7 year-olds badly. Both were hospitalized. We did a couple more things to them but won't say it.

- Set a park, unoccupied car on fire with my friend

- A week before those events mentioned (I acted alone), I did something bad to my neighbor's pets; a Shepherd and a Lab. Then I hid in a corner, laughing as the guy was unconsolable in tears.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

LostSoul00 said:


> Meanwhile I know how forums work, this is my first time posting here. I'm going to keep it short because there was apparently some misunderstandings on another site.
> 
> Like many women my age, my distant goal is to find love someday and form a family. I've never had a bf before nor gone out on a date. I don't even know what's it like being kissed. I'm a 19 year-old college freshman at this moment and working on myself for the meanwhile. There is a good reason for this.
> 
> I was a former troubled child and was placed in a juvenile detention center from 2010-2016. Upon my release, it was followed up with an additional 2 year supervision and more therapy. I did bad things back then and want a second chance in life. Is it likely a man will ever want a relationship with me?


Yes, absolutely.

The past just isn't what it used to be. (I was trying to sound deep there) But seriously, a person's "reputation" and "history" really don't seem to have the kind of weight they used to. 

You are who you are today. You've done your time and gotten help for yourself. The question is -- are you a good person today? Are you honest? Are you kind? Are you caring? Do you have love to give to someone else? As you get out into the world you do not need to tell anyone of your past until you want to. If a man asks you out-- and at some point, one will -- he is going to get to know YOU as your are TODAY. And if you get close enough that you want to tell him about your bad past, he's going to already know you as you are now and care about you. The right man will be impressed at how far you've come from that troubled little girl you used to be. 

If someone rejects you because of your past, take if from those of us who have been in and out of a few relationships -- it wasn't meant to be and you really ARE better off without that man.

Was therapy helpful to you? If so, I think it would be smart to stay in therapy if you're venturing out into the dating world for the first time at 19. You don't need to have had a traumatic past to screw a few relationships up. I'm living proof. ;-)


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

LostSoul00 said:


> I was 10 years old when I got locked up and got released at age 16. At the time my diagnosis was a high level of conduct disorder and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).
> 
> I did terrible things. I wasn't right in head at the time. It's correct that my home life wasn't great at all but I won't excuse my actions. I'll keep it short, I did these things to get locked up:
> 
> ...


That is definitely dark. Let me ask you this, obviously you *know better *than to do those things now and hopefully can choose not to do them. But would you have any *desire to do them now*? 

If you or someone else hurt an animal, what would your instinctual reaction be today? Find it funny but know better than to laugh in front of others? Feel nothing but know you should act concerned? Actually feel bad for the animal and wish to protect it?

Were the Drs. able to help you to become a different person? Are you on any kind of mental health medication?

I would definitely encourage you to do whatever you can to stay in therapy and be very honest with your therapist about your feelings.


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

Betrayedone said:


> Be the kind of person other people want to be around and you'll have it made. It's that simple.


Thank you. I'll continue focusing on becoming a better person, the one I should have been long ago. 


WorkingWife said:


> Yes, absolutely.
> 
> The past just isn't what it used to be. (I was trying to sound deep there) But seriously, a person's "reputation" and "history" really don't seem to have the kind of weight they used to.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the encouraging words WorkingWife. The answer to those questions is a yes. I'm a caring woman now and have remorse for everything I did back then. Therapy has helped me a lot. I'm currently still going to work on myself and my goals in the near future. One of them is participating in an animal shelter.


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> That is definitely dark. Let me ask you this, obviously you *know better *than to do those things now and hopefully can choose not to do them. But would you have any *desire to do them now*?
> 
> If you or someone else hurt an animal, what would your instinctual reaction be today? Find it funny but know better than to laugh in front of others? Feel nothing but know you should act concerned? Actually feel bad for the animal and wish to protect it?
> 
> ...


It is dark. I didn't just hurt his pets. I....I...poisoned them. They died.

No, I have no desires to act on those disgusting, horrible acts. By now I have a much better understanding of how my acts impacted others. Now if anyone hurt an animal, I would feel bad. I will never hurt any living being ever again. I do feel I'm a different person now. I want to participate in an animal shelter as one of my first goals.

Heading to bed now. I'll be coming back tomorrow. I got classes.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

LostSoul00 said:


> Thank you. I'll continue focusing on becoming a better person, the one I should have been long ago.
> Thank you for the encouraging words WorkingWife. The answer to those questions is a yes. I'm a caring woman now and have remorse for everything I did back then. Therapy has helped me a lot. I'm currently still going to work on myself and my goals in the near future. One of them is participating in an animal shelter.


That's wonderful! I'm so happy to hear it. I actually teared up a little reading that because it must be a terrible burden for a caring woman to carry, knowing that she did those things. 

But YES, even knowing what you did, I think you can definitely find love. I wouldn't rush anything, and understand that "first" relationships are usually not "last" relationships and you haven't had the benefit of breaking up and being broken up with in your youth to dull the pain if that happens. But absolutely yes you will be lovable to the right guy(s) for you.

And while the things you did were really bad, there was definitely something "wrong" in your brain because most people have no urge or desire or instinct to do those things, period. It could be more from your early childhood than you realize, it's amazing how much the very early years affect how one's brain develops. I'm sure you know this now from your therapy but I just recently learned that if a baby isn't held enough the neuropathways in its brain LITERALLY develop differently, it's a huge emotional handicap. 

Whatever it was, you are no longer that person. And the right people will understand that and love you for who you are today and all that you have overcome. Good job on keeping up the therapy. I think the animal shelter idea is great. You can't undo what you did but you can make it bring about something good ultimately by bringing comfort and happiness to so many scared, lonely animals. ♥


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## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

Hey there, Lost Soul,

In a word, yes. 

I’m sorry that you are going though this now, and that you are carrying so much guilt and shame. That’s actually a bit of a good sign though. If you had no remorse you would be dealing with an entirely different (and probably more permanent) problem.

I was institutionalized at age 10, lost a parent to suicide at 12, dropped out of school after 8th grade, did a lot of drugs and some terrible things, committed crimes and ended up in juvenile detention, suicide attempts, self harm, etc., etc. 

Around 22-23 I made an effort to change and decided to stick around for the long haul in this life. I got a low paying job, worked my way up over the years, and am now a partner at a successful business (100+ employees and 10 locations). 

I’m 43 now, and after many failed relationships I met my wife at 32 years old. We just had our 7 year marriage anniversary, we are open, honest, authentic, kind, loving, and appreciative to each other every single day.

So yes, it can happen for you. It may take a while, and most likely some relationships will fail before you find the right match. Keep working on yourself, for your future relationships and mostly for yourself. I tend to believe that we attract out equal on some way. It can differ with different strengths and weaknesses, but traits/skills like emotional intelligence, honesty/appropriate vulnerability, healthy boundaries and communication, career success, and so on. The more you develop those for yourself, the more likely it will be that you will attract/ be attracted to a partner at a similar place in their life. 

Don’t be in a hurry. It’s a cliche, but I’ve seen it play out throughout my life, “hurt people hurt people.”

So, short story long, yes, it can happen for you. Just keep doing the hard, honest work on yourself.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You were a monster, but you were also a child. Crimes by children are treated less seriously than crimes by adults because children can change. It sounds like you have.

You are young so you still can put you life on the right path and have what happened as a child not matter. If you are in college it sounds like you are already doing that. I think that if you live your life well from now on, what happened in the past will no longer matter. 

So the answer is "yes" you can find love and happiness. Be a good person and look for good people. No one needs to know about your past beyond your having been a troubled child but now recovered. Meet friends, romance /love will happen naturally. 

If you do find the darkness creeping up on you again though, get help before you do something. 








LostSoul00 said:


> I was 10 years old when I got locked up and got released at age 16. At the time my diagnosis was a high level of conduct disorder and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).
> 
> I did terrible things. I wasn't right in head at the time. It's correct that my home life wasn't great at all but I won't excuse my actions. I'll keep it short, I did these things to get locked up:
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You poisoned dogs and gained glee from the distress of the owner.

You attacked and beat two small children to such an extent that they were severely injured and required hospitalisation.

And only several years later you want to know if you'll ever find love and raise a family.

I would suggested that you could benefit from continued, specialist counselling and therapy.

As for love? Yeah, it's possible, but don't rush into anything.

And what "misunderstandings" did you get into on another site?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostSoul00 said:


> Meanwhile I know how forums work, this is my first time posting here. I'm going to keep it short because there was apparently some misunderstandings on another site.
> 
> Like many women my age, my distant goal is to find love someday and form a family. I've never had a bf before nor gone out on a date. I don't even know what's it like being kissed. I'm a 19 year-old college freshman at this moment and working on myself for the meanwhile. There is a good reason for this.
> 
> I was a former troubled child and was placed in a juvenile detention center from 2010-2016. Upon my release, it was followed up with an additional 2 year supervision and more therapy. I did bad things back then and want a second chance in life. Is it likely a man will ever want a relationship with me?


Absolutely! Do you know why? Because you are in a place like this, being introspective, looking honestly at your life and your crimes, and have done the work to make a better person out of yourself. I count people like you as better than the majority of us numnutzes who just waltz through life without even asking who they are, why they're here, what their value is, and how they can be better. I also highly value people who acknowledge past troubles and vow to use that lesson as a path forward. 

Here's what I told my daughter growing up: Have fun in high school, don't go steady (do they still say that? lol) with anyone - just date around (no sex), have fun, and try on different types of guys to see what sticks. In college, start looking a little more closely at guys, pay attention to their personalities and their actions, get to know different kinds of guys, maybe get a little serious with someone but with the understanding that you're both likely to move away somewhere else for a career, so don't make any promises - after all, one of you may have to give up your dream to accommodate the other. After college, start your career, look more seriously for a partner, but be selective; there are a million men out there who could be your right choice, but make sure he deserves you. The brain doesn't stop developing until around age 25, so anyone you date before then is likely to CHANGE into their final version while you're with them. So who you think you're marrying or choosing may not be the best, final choice. 

Finally, I told her you're in no hurry; if a guy won't wait for you to finish your college or get started in your career, what does that say about him? It's a good litmus test of the guy to not get that serious any sooner. 

She basically followed my advice but got serious with a couple guys who turned out to be jerks and she dumped. Finally met her husband on a blind date after she graduated college and moved back home. They've been together 5 years now. Got her Master's last year, got married last year, built a house together, and she just had her first child a week ago. She'll be 29 in September.

So bottom line, look at what you have ahead of you. Don't be in a hurry for a guy. You have to be happy with yourself first, or else you will give some guy power over you. Enjoy your college years! Make a great life for yourself! Join clubs of things you like to do, learn to do new things you've always been interested in, make new friends. Along the way you may meet guys who share your same interests - and that's important. Remember, this guy will need to be your best friend, not just a 'bed buddy.' So don't be in a hurry; you're in the most fun years of your life - enjoy them!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostSoul00 said:


> It is dark. I didn't just hurt his pets. I....I...poisoned them. They died.


Have you apologized to him?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Going to make a few assumptions, and I'm hoping they are accurate. 

You have an active advocate, or medical professional that you see regularly.

That you have prescription medication that you take when you are supposed to take it. 

That you have been through therapy that focuses on any personal trauma you have suffered, and importantly understanding empathy, and the agency of others.

That you have or have had active role models where you are able to observe what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.

Dating and love is tough. It doesn't come easy. It often means heartbreak, pain, and anguish. Love can be challenging for emotionally healthy people to cope with, let alone someone with the kinds of challenges you have faced. 

If you have advocates whom you interact with regularly and can bounce your thoughts and feelings, both good and bad off of, then I say you have just about as good a chance as anyone else. 

If you believe you can figure it out on your own, without the help of professionals, therapies and medication, I'd say you're moving down the wrong path and undercutting yourself in trying to become emotionally healthy, in working towards being a person deserving of both expressing and receiving love.

All that said, I hope you can get to where you want to be.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

I've spent some time in juvy as well when I was a kid. It had no affect at all on my personal life as I got older. If anything, it taught me a lot about life that many people do not get to see. You may make some stupid mistakes on the way to love, but that's half the fun. No doubt you'll find love many times throughout your life. Good luck!


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

Our past is what shapes our future. Sometimes that past sucks and we do things we regret and it def. makes our future more challenging but we have the ability to change. If you've learned from your past and have moved on from it there is someone out there for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@LostSoul00 where do you live?

The reason why I ask is that I have a good deal of resources that I can refer you to, though in order to make sure that I give you the right and appropriate resources, I need to know roughly where you are. Not exactly, because your exact location is not important, and to be frank, nobody needs to know your exact location.

But if you live in -for example- Texas, resources for people in California wouldn't be of any assistance to you.


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

Shoyoself said:


> Hey there, Lost Soul,
> 
> In a word, yes.
> 
> ...


Good to hear everything worked out for you. :smile2:
I'm in no hurry for a relationship at this moment. I have to continue working on myself first. I'll be resuming therapy by Friday.


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

turnera said:


> Have you apologized to him?


I did once when I was 15 (5 years later). I wrote an apology letter and he didn't accept it. He never wants to see nor hear from me again.


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

Deejo said:


> Going to make a few assumptions, and I'm hoping they are accurate.
> 
> You have an active advocate, or medical professional that you see regularly.
> 
> ...


I was until Aug of last year. I'll be resuming therapy this Friday. I'm not in a rush for a relationship yet.



MattMatt said:


> @LostSoul00 where do you live?


I live in Florida.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostSoul00 said:


> I was until Aug of last year. I'll be resuming therapy this Friday. I'm not in a rush for a relationship yet.
> 
> I live in Florida.


Could you please tell me what Internet Service Provider you are currently using?


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Could you please tell me what Internet Service Provider you are currently using?


Sure. It's CenturyLink.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think that you need to get yourself together before you think about dating.

Your only 19. Your whole life is ahead of you.

The counselling should help.

Have you had a current diagnosis of your mental health status?


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> I think that you need to get yourself together before you think about dating.
> 
> Your only 19. Your whole life is ahead of you.
> 
> ...


True. Nope, I haven't recently. Everything stopped on Aug of last year. I'll be starting my first session tomorrow. Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The first thing you need to do is to just make friends, male and female. If you do that you will eventually meet some guys who you can date.

Have you thought about joining some clubs/organizations at your school?

Also check out http://meetup.com It's a site on which people plan meetups and anyone can attend. Take a look for what's going on in your area. Go to some meetups and start meeting people.

What is your major at school?


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## LostSoul00 (Jul 9, 2019)

Thank you for your reply EleGirl.


EleGirl said:


> The first thing you need to do is to just make friends, male and female. If you do that you will eventually meet some guys who you can date.


Yeah, that would be a good way to start. I was told that on my first session yesterday afternoon. 



EleGirl said:


> Have you thought about joining some clubs/organizations at your school?


Yes I have thought about joining the international students club and a couple others.



EleGirl said:


> It's a site on which people plan meetups and anyone can attend. Take a look for what's going on in your area. Go to some meetups and start meeting people.


Thank you for the site. 



EleGirl said:


> What is your major at school?


Elementary/Early Childhood Education


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

Absolutely YES,as long as your heart beat strong and youre still alive ,you can still find love


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