# Help me give some advice



## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

My sister has been in a relationship with a man for 8 years. She is 50 and he is about ten years older. She has a teenaged son.
She has been calling me about once or twice a year for about 7 years.
She is mad at BF because she cannot put up with his controlling, abusive behavior any more. He has crossed the line again.
We talk and she tells me about the way he treats her. It is truly awful. He constantly calls to check on her. He thinks she is having an affair with a coworker. He calls her terrible names and blames her for this mistreatment.
She says she is done and knows she deserves better. A week or maybe two later she calls him and they get back together.
Her friends all tell her to get away from this crazy guy. He comes to her workplace and causes trouble. He was recently banned from the restaurant by the manager.
She says she really loves him and she misses him. He is such a nice guy when in the "good" cycle. She called him yesterday to see if he was in the good cycle. He said he was in Florida with a young lady and he sent her a picture of this lady. Probably a lie, but hurtful.
I would like to help her. I have given her what I think is good advice. Some I have gleaned from this forum.
My question is what is a loving sister to do?
Thanks for your help.
-Zora


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

If it was my sister, I'd tell her she is wasting time on a jerk and to move on to greener pastures.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

You need to tell her that his "good cycle" should always be ON.

I left an abusive relationship 1 year ago and I'm still mentally messed up, this is something HARD for most people to understand. 
In fact I am filing an order of protection this week and something still makes me feel like that is wrong. Even though my attorney and friends have told me it's non negotiable based on his behavior.

I think you should call a hotline and talk to them about your situation and how you can help.

All you can do is be there to remind her that she is worth more, offer her access to a counselor and she needs to take it from there...

It's like asking a drug addict to stop doing drugs in a way...


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

She has had problems with addiction. She says her BF is the one who helped her get straight. He probably took credit.
She compared herself to an alcoholic; "white knuckling" it. Maybe AA could help.??
I wish she would go talk to a professional. I said yesterday, "I think you should talk to someone who has more and better suggestions than I do; a professional counselor."
I'm trying to let her do it on her own, but I'm not feeling very hopeful because of her previous tries to let go of him. Her friend said, "you're not ready yet." 
This has been going on way too long.
-Zora


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

zora, some people don't want advice, they don't want to change things, they just want someone to complain to. Your sister is 50, if she wanted to move on, she would.

Sometimes I think it is harder on those of us who are trying to help than it is on them. I have a saying on my fridge. It says "The worst thing is watching someone drown and not be able to convince them they can save themselves by just standing up"


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Ask your sister what SHE THINKS her son is learning from watching 8 years of this crap?

Ask her how wonderful she thinks HIS relationships are going to be in his life if she doesn't show him better?

Let her mull on that awhile. What she won't do for herself, she might be willing to do for him.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Only your sister can decide when enough is enough, and all you can do is be there for her when she decides to leave him. Other than pointing out to your sister that her H is abusive and that their relationship will be damaging and shaping the way her son will view women, there is little else that you can do - unfortunately.

I take it that your sister's son is a child from a previous marriage? If this is the case, she's running the the very real risk of him estranging from her some time in the near future... Does she really want to lose her son, and possibly future grandchildren, because of her misplaced love for an abuser?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

JustHer said:


> zora, some people don't want advice, they don't want to change things, they just want someone to complain to. Your sister is 50, if she wanted to move on, she would.
> 
> Sometimes I think it is harder on those of us who are trying to help than it is on them. I have a saying on my fridge. It says "The worst thing is watching someone drown and not be able to convince them they can save themselves by just standing up"


This is completely untrue. I'm sure my friends felt they way you do... the ones who aren't friends anymore, that is.

Living with an abusive person tears down your self esteem. It makes a person feel they aren't able to successfully navigate life on their own - they are filled with self doubt. It is very easy to say "JUST LEAVE!" but it is MUCH harder to do it when you are filled with self doubt. 

A person has to be in a position that they know they will have emotional support - an abusive person will continue to terrorize after a separation and therefore she must be in a position to feel that, even if she isn't strong enough alone, she has good enough support network to weather the storm.

I was married 10 years before I said enough was enough and then had my daughter. Then I stuck around a couple more years hoping he would realize what he was doing in front of a child. A couple more years to move from a SAHM to a job, a few more years to get my act together. 

The best thing you can do is be supportive. You should suggest she keeps a journal. Since I had no privacy really, I would type emails to myself on hotmail. If she can keep a secret journal somehow then look back at what she has read, she will increase her resolve to leave. To see the abuse and the patterns in black and white is HUGE.

If she can, she should see a counselor. United Family Services works on a sliding scale; they also run a lot of battered women's shelters. It's a topic they are intimately familiar with.

Best wishes to you and your sister. Any support or refuge you can offer will help her immensely. Once she is away you will see her blossom in short order.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Thank you for your input.
I hope you are right, EnjoliWoman, because I cannot give up on my sister.
I don't want to control the situation, just give her my support. She calls me and I don't give advice unless she asks. I try not to say really bad things about BF because I know she'll be back with him soon. I did call him a "monster" and I wish I could take it back.
Mostly I say that was mean or some other comment on his behavior.
My SIL's family doesn't talk to one of their sisters because she is married to an abuser. They are frustrated because she won't leave him. It was sad to see her sitting with her husband and nobody talking to them at the wedding.
My sister's insurance will pay for counseling. She is sure her BF would never seek help. According to him, she's the one who has a problem. I hope she will change her mind.
Not sure how this is affecting son. New topic to discuss if she calls.
Thanks again.
-Zora


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

I am afraid of what this man could do if sis ever does break up with him. She claims he is not violent. He does know where she goes and he has followed her many times. Their most recent argument was because she got a new phone with GPS. At first he was happy because he could track her 24/7. When she finally realized what he was doing, she said no and the stuff hit the fan.
He may not be violent, but he is persistent.
-Zora


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