# Focusing on positives or negatives?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

geek down wrote "I'm starting to notice things more and more that I don't like in potential mates and instead of rationalizing it."

This made me wonder - do you all find you are focusing more on what turns you off? If so, to keep the balance are you more willing to let go of the things that only slightly bother you? Are you more or less tolerating? Do you think this means you are looking for something that doesn't exist i.e. perfection?

I don't want to rationalize in the fog but I don't want to become so jaded I'm not tolerant of normal things in a relationship. Everyone comes with SOME good and bad; I just want the 'bad' stuff to be stuff I can deal with - not deal breakers.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Enjoli- I'm with you. We all have stuff. It's just about whether you can deal with someone's stuff or not. I'm definitely less tolerant these days. Especially when it involves behaviors I dealt with in my ex. The quality on my list that's highest is conflict resolution. If someone is unwilling to work together to resolve things it's a huge deal breaker.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I just want someone who can take care of themselves. Has their own hobbies, interests outside of me. I like being taken care of, but not obsessively.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm less tolerant of temper and criticism. I'm much more sensitive if the guy were to be impatient with a server and complain about what I perceive to be an acceptable wait. Or if they make a snarky/snide/mean comment in jest - BIG turnoff. I have little tolerance for negative judgment and am not amused by negative observations (i.e. seeing a man who is hugely obese having a salad and joke they are probably headed to donut store after). 

I'm also more observant of the niceties, though. The opening of a door, hand on the small of my back, asking me what movie I want to see first, letting other cars out in traffic or holding doors for older couples. Those little things make me swoon.

Still hoping - I agree on having their own interests. Sometimes I like to join and learn about their interest but that doesn't mean I need to always participate. I like a little space.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Still just plodding along myself. Not really looking, but note a lot of negative things when Im out and about. I guess I might have taken on a critical eye, having been caught so blindsided with the divorce. Frankly, I think Ive become quite put off with the whole relationship thing, for now its just not for me. I like to refer to it as a "warranted self centeredness" which sounds bad, but I really lost myself in that old life, and am still learning what I am outside of that personna now. I dont know that I have all the freedom from fault that a woman would desire. Esteem and sense of being desirable is at an all time low, but I also dont really care right now. Im finding that I am so obviously out of touch with reality when it comes to relationships and expectations and flow that it loses its charm quickly, or at least the pursuit of it does. 

I also know that I am the type to not apply a cautious and mature sensibility to the development of a relationship, I fall for the first girl to show an interest.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I don't know if my focus is more on the positives and negatives or if my approach is just more discerning overall. Having been through a long relationship and divorce, I definitely have a much clearer idea of what I want in a potential partner. But there are a lot of things that I've noticed I've become more discerning in across many areas of my life. I appreciate better food, higher quality clothes and accessories, I cherish my good friendships and have been willing to let the ones that aren't mutually supportive to fall by the wayside. Why would it be any different with romantic relationships? I mean, if I refuse to buy/wear the shoes that rub the wrong way, why would I keep a guy around that does the same thing?

That being said though, I do admit that I've picked up a few quirks when it comes to dating that I know result directly from my ex. I absolutely, positively won't date anyone that drives a Jeep Wrangler. I hated my ExH's jeep with a passion and won't even get into a Wrangler.

Other than that though, I feel like I have a balanced approach to evaluating things


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm less tolerant of temper and criticism. I'm much more sensitive if the guy were to be impatient with a server and complain about what I perceive to be an acceptable wait. Or if they make a snarky/snide/mean comment in jest - BIG turnoff. I have little tolerance for negative judgment and am not amused by negative observations (i.e. seeing a man who is hugely obese having a salad and joke they are probably headed to donut store after).
> 
> I'm also more observant of the niceties, though. The opening of a door, hand on the small of my back, asking me what movie I want to see first, letting other cars out in traffic or holding doors for older couples. Those little things make me swoon.
> 
> Still hoping - I agree on having their own interests. Sometimes I like to join and learn about their interest but that doesn't mean I need to always participate. I like a little space.


Funny, most of the things that you find enjoyable seem to have annoyed my wife at some point when se was distancing ie. too nice. 

I'm definitely less willing to tolerate anything resembling secrecy. Especially from her, but for all kinds of things. B-day anything, xmas...you name it, if it seems like sneaking my mind locks down and says GTFO and I start to disconnect.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Mtts said:


> Funny, most of the things that you find enjoyable seem to have annoyed my wife at some point when se was distancing ie. too nice.
> 
> I'm definitely less willing to tolerate anything resembling secrecy. Especially from her, but for all kinds of things. B-day anything, xmas...you name it, if it seems like sneaking my mind locks down and says GTFO and I start to disconnect.


We all have our issues - with an NPD ex, his arrogance tainted everything so I guess arrogance of any sort is a trigger for me.

So if a new girlfriend wanted to plan a surprise birthday party and called some of your male friends and you discovered this on her phone (the calls), you would assume cheating?

My last boyfriend had been cheated on so I came here to find out how to help. I made sure I was very transparent to give him ease of mind but he just wasn't ready/healed yet.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

What I've realized is that it's not easy having a relationship after divorce, especially if it was decades long. Each person comes with baggage, kids, and the ex's. It's not like it was when you were younger and care free. I think I expected it to be easier, I was wrong. While I really care about the man I'm dating, I also find it difficult to just be 100% comfortable, as in not worrying about anything.

I know what I want at 45, I know what I will no longer tolerate or accept in behavior, and that's made a huge difference when I was dating, I would nix them in 5 min. I could point out flaws that I would not live with. With my guy, I haven't found any real flaws in the 4 months we've been dating. But, I'm also realistic about it, that it may be just for now, and I'm ok with it, no expectations, one day at a time.

It's all about looking at the positives, and boy was I stuck in some negative thinking for a long time.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I don't know if I specifically focus on what turns me off. I also focus on what things turn me on. I look at both.

I do know that I'm pickier and that I will not settle. If I meet a man who has low self confidence, I'm not going to stay and help him feel better about himself. If I meet a guy who can't stand up for himself, I'm not going to stay and stand up for him.

And if I meet a guy that can't be intimate with me, I'm not going to stay and sleep alone every night.

So I would say that my divorce has helped open my eyes to the "red flags", the things that I know will not work for me in a relationship. It's only fair to me and a potential significant other that I be honest about those things and don't try to change anyone.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The behaviors that lead to divorce or marital unhappiness are almost always apparent during dating, if we are honest with ourselves. I don't think any married person wishes they had been less particular during their mate selection process but a whole lot of married folks wish they had paid closer attention to the warning sign they foolishly ignored while dating.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

and for me, I wish I had paid attention to the ones that got out of control and maybe could have been dealt with instead of ignored. Long marriages led to complacency if not careful. Sometimes, if the problem is not harmful, it can be accepted and even enjoyed, but we were not able to talk much about what was going on. My ex saw my desire for discussion as aggression and he walked away and I just got more and more abandoned and directed my energy outside with kids and other things. It is so sad, I love him still and even now that he is gone, he can't acknowledge that he gave the marriage little or no effort other than to tell me to change. I will pick someone who, while I don't expect them to "be a girl", is willing to talk about what they need and willing to listen when I do the same. And this girl knows what she wants!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> II absolutely, positively won't date anyone that drives a Jeep Wrangler. I hated my ExH's jeep with a passion and won't even get into a Wrangler.


:lol: :rofl: Love me, love my Jeep Wrangler. Your loss. 

But I GUARANTEE that MY Jeep is WAY cooler than your exH's Jeep.  I mean was it the JEEP or your Ex? I'm rather curious. I can see why a lot of people wouldn't like a Wrangler. It's not for everyone. I have a best friend who HATES convertibles and that's all I've owned since 1986 but we're still friends...and we just take his car if we're together. 

Fortunately I don't take these things personally. I just found that vastly amusing. 

As for what I couldn't put up with: The list is rather long. I'm very tolerant these days, especially because I have NO desire for a LTR at all and don't want anyone dragging me down, telling me what to do, how I should do it, etc..That said, I wouldn't mind hanging with someone who is fun and enjoys life and since I'm NOT looking for a long term relationship I might be inclined to overlook a lot of things that are important to someone who is searching for their next committed relationship. I don't plan to build a life or live with someone so it doesn't concern me if they make their bed or not or leave the toilet seat up. They can live as they want as long as it doesn't affect me and my life. 

But there are some things: I couldn't go out with someone who isn't fun and into the same stuff I am into. I'm done with that scene. If you don't like the bar scene or being outdoors and would prefer to stay home and cook and watch a movie then I'm not for you. Plus anyone I'm with had better have a healthy sex drive. No more of THAT crap either!  I'm not putting up with any more games or rejection in that department. 

And we'd have to be on similar schedules. My husband started becoming an "early morning riser/be in bed by 10pm" person and that was a real killer. He wasn't ALWAYS like that. It happened fairly recently and was one of the nails in the coffin that was our marriage. We were always fighting about that and it really affected everything else in our relationship.

Incompatibilty of schedule is a real problem for me. I'm a night owl and I do NOT want to have to be in bed at 10pm and I don't want to be woken up at 6 am. I'm not leaving any more parties or events early! Unless he wants to go home and have sex..

It would help if he loved my Jeep. Especially with the top down and doors. off.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

stillhoping said:


> and for me, I wish I had paid attention to the ones that got out of control and maybe could have been dealt with instead of ignored. Long marriages led to complacency if not careful. Sometimes, if the problem is not harmful, it can be accepted and even enjoyed, but we were not able to talk much about what was going on. My ex saw my desire for discussion as aggression and he walked away and I just got more and more abandoned and directed my energy outside with kids and other things. It is so sad, I love him still and even now that he is gone, he can't acknowledge that he gave the marriage little or no effort other than to tell me to change.* I will pick someone who, while I don't expect them to "be a girl", is willing to talk about what they need and willing to listen when I do the same. And this girl knows what she wants!*


This really struck a chord with me. My ex would tell me all the time that he "wasn't a girl" and "couldn't talk about feelings like a girl" and "I don't have the time or patience to listen to you talk b/c I'm not a girl".....

So I guess I didn't marry a girl and that should be what I go for next time since I like to talk so much?? :scratchhead:

LOL


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vi_bride04 said:


> . My ex would tell me all the time that he "wasn't a girl" and "couldn't talk about feelings like a girl" and "I don't have the time or patience to listen to you talk b/c I'm not a girl".....


:rofl: :lol: No..he was just a total d!ck! I hope you told him that.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> geek down wrote "I'm starting to notice things more and more that I don't like in potential mates and instead of rationalizing it."


I'm glad I could give you something to contemplate. I know I can be an everlasting know-it-all sometimes and I tend to inject to much philosophy into my words...Every once in a while I do say something that makes people go 'hmmm'..in a good way..

I'll elaborate on my own reflection. I used to be a rug sweeper...Still am in some situations...I was raised by my mother's father for my early childhood. My parents worked and I spent most of my days with him..He has three rules he lives by

1. Never let your empties stack up, so the women don't know how much you've had
2. Yes them to death and do whatever you want.
3. Never bet on the Red Sox.

1. I began to brew beer in kegs, so there never was more than one empty glass..
2. I seen this in my family..the double standard...that you can agree to something just to shut them up
3. I became a Yankee fan.

My grandfather is very passive-aggressive.. He will go along with the flow and not say whether he is happy or not..He was the caretaker for the family and with his dementia now in advanced stages, the burden has fallen to my dad and me..Mostly me now that my father is traveling around the country consulting for State Police Drug testing facilities...

I don't mind it really..I'd do ANYTHING to help my family..or so I thought..The one thing I am happy for with my grandfather's dementia is the fact he doesn't remember my wife or that I was ever married, even though he was my best man...I felt like a failure..I felt like I didn't do everything I could..I felt like I let him down...

I found myself pacing my house alone...letting my mind go over the past and see where I went wrong or what I should have said or done...The more I thought about it, the worse I felt.. The more I felt like I failed....

Then something happened...In a moment of clarity, he was there again...He asked where M was...I had to tell him..He said 'You fought hard and there is no shame in that." This was a man that fought in two wars, was in every major naval amphibious operation..This is a man that piloted Higgins boats onto Normandy...sicily....Iwo Jima...

..and then he was gone again...

I spent my days wondering what I did wrong and not what I did right...I know I effed up alot in my marriage. I know I wasn't the best husband or person. I tried to rationalize my wife's behavior and her own family rules like "Husband always take you back, thats what they do."...I tried to rationalize my grandad's rules...

Then I realized its all bullsh!t...It worked for him, but that doesn't mean it works for me..I went to IC for a while, read psychology and philosophy...Socrates, Plato, Campbell....

I began to go out on dates and notice the same things in these girls that I noticed in my ex-wife....Things that I didn't like or things I couldn't live with..In the past, I'd be so happy just to get some female attention that I'd let it go...I never was popular with the ladies...I never was single for very long, but I never had girls throwing themselves at me like my friends did..

Instead of letting these habits just go, I started to call the girls on them..I don't know why I did it, I just started calling them on their sh!t. 

I met a girl and we went out. We had similar interests and had a great time together..She was hotter then hot, a beautiful Haitian queen that has the body of Kim Kardasian and the butt of Jennifer Aniston..All my friends were amazed..How did YOU get HER!!!...easy, I asked her out...She came over, we made out and that was that...

I started to notice small inconsistancies in her story and called her on it..Turned out she was still married and living with the guy. I told her..see-ya....

The HOTTEST girl I've ever had...I was the king of the kitchen for the time we went out..All the jocks were like..HOW DID YOU GET HER??? I enjoyed the attention...

However, I found out I didn't really trust her, so I sh!tcanned it immediately..I don't know if this is the right terminology for it, but I felt that this petty sh!t was beneath me..That this is what kept me happy picking for scraps and the crumbs...

Turns out, I was the only guy to ever break up with her..She would keep her old boy toys in orbit and take them down when she wanted to..

Then I got a text from an old friend that I've had the hots for, for years..We reconnected and she came over more and more....She flirted and so did I...We kissed and then kissed some more.. I asked her out and she said sure, schedule permitting..

One night we went alittle to far with each other and she states she only has friendly feelings for me. Instead of just being friends like she wants (however she tells her sister she wants a guy JUST LIKE ME), I end the friendship because it wasn't right..She KNEW I liked her like that for years and its obvious she shared feelings for me...but something told her no....

I've been blaming my ex for putting me on the back burner for years..Fact is, I put MYSELF on the back burner..I said yes and did whatever I wanted...I didn't let the empties stack up so she wouldn't know what I had....I was hiding from her, but more importantly I was hiding from MYSELF..I was hiding my 'empties' from myself.

I'm not there yet, but I'm getting more confident in my own abilities and desirability...I'm single and have been for a few months..and that's ok...

Now any one of the TAM hotties know I like to flirt...Behind a screen its easy as hell, but in RL its difficult for me for a few reasons, one being I have a speech impediment. I truly thought that I was a failure being the only male in my family that didn't overcome that as all the rest had...However, now I find myself not being able to shut the hell up and not having much difficulty saying anything...

I focused on the negative for so long, that I was blind to all the good...I know I'm a hard guy to like in some circles and in others I'm hard to hate...I'm a polarizing figure.

I found what made me happy IN myself..As Joseph Campbell says, I found my bliss...It was not someone else's job to make me happy..It's mine!

In dating and going on these dating sites, I'd message girls that I thought I had stuff in common with..and I'd hear some of the same crap I heard from the other girls in my past..If it was small enough and not that big of a problem, I'd just let it go...But if there is something glaring, I don't try to rationalize it away..its who that person is, right or wrong, and its not compatible with me, no matter how hot or willing or available the person is...It..Just..Wont..Work...

To close this long winded and probably incomprehensible rant, I'll sum up..

Focus on the positive, but me mindful of the negative.....

"The best foxhound is always gun shy the first time out" - Patton


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Very interesting Geek. Although I didn't have a words for it, or even the analogy of the 'empties' that you did, I certainly hid them from myself. I've tried to call myself out on things and face me/myself/I. Because in the end I'm OK with who I am and I need to get better at figuring out who deserves me. I'm a helluva great catch but I'm inconsistent on attempts at having someone in my life. Using fear and excuses alternately with false bravado and optimism.

I'm glad your Grandfather's moment of clarity set you free. No one is a perfect spouse. Everyone could have done something better. But that doesn't make it your fault or my fault. I know my easy-going laid-back nature and naivete made it much easier for my ex to prey on someone like me, then press me to marry quickly. I rug swept a LOT due to fear and guilt while he behaved superior to everyone while his actions and the results were INferior. I should have left much sooner. I wouldn't have my daughter right now, but I can remember with clarity the day I acknowledged to myself that the marriage was not healthy; not good for me, and that I needed to leave. It was 7 years in. I stuck it out for 15 and that was stupid.

But now I have to learn from it and agree that the best way to proceed with others is to focus on the positive, but me mindful of the negative, like you said.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

My mother called me a cold and heartless when this whole thing started. I know she was thinking with her emotions and with my sister being pregnant she was in full grandma mode. My dad kept himself above the fray and offered logical and emotionless observations and advice. I'm alot like my dad.. He's very analytical. 

Now with all the new information coming out and with my EX doing exactly what I predicted she would do, my mother is now looking at this in a new light. 

She asked me last week "After all this and what she is doing and continuing to do, how do you feel?"

My response.."Vindicated."



vi_bride04 said:


> This really struck a chord with me. My ex would tell me all the time that he "wasn't a girl" and "couldn't talk about feelings like a girl" and "I don't have the time or patience to listen to you talk b/c I'm not a girl".....
> 
> So I guess I didn't marry a girl and that should be what I go for next time since I like to talk so much?? :scratchhead:
> 
> LOL


I've never had a problem talking about my feelings or emotions...Guess that makes me a girl in your Ex's eye...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

geek down said:


> 3. I became a Yankee fan.


You're a Yankee fan in Massachussets?  That's brave..


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

the ONLY one in my family...

I roomed with three guys in college from NYC...YES was ALWAYS on...I started to watch baseball and liked it..

I'm also the only democrat in my immediate family.. My traitor of a mother ACTUALLY WORKED for Romney and the last GOV challenger Baker..

I forgive her though..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

geek down said:


> I'm also the only democrat in my immediate family.. My traitor of a mother ACTUALLY WORKED for Romney and the last GOV challenger Baker..
> 
> I forgive her though..


I thought the oddballs in Mass were the Republicans. Maybe it's changed since I lived there? :scratchhead:

My first year in college was at UMASS-Amherst. They had a "mock" gubernatorial election and everyone in my dorm was talking about the different candidates. I listened to all this and finally asked "So who is the Republican?". Everyone stared at me and said, "Oh yeah, you're from New Jersey. Here in Massachussetts it doesn't matter who the Republican is because they never win anyway."

Of course that was pre-Romney. And I think that there's been others since then too. It was 1981. 

That's all I'll say about politics. Let's just say that I vote the person, not the party.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I thought the oddballs in Mass were the Republicans. Maybe it's changed since I lived there? :scratchhead:
> 
> My first year in college was at UMASS-Amherst. They had a "mock" gubernatorial election and everyone in my dorm was talking about the different candidates. I listened to all this and finally asked "So who is the Republican?". Everyone stared at me and said, "Oh yeah, you're from New Jersey. Here in Massachussetts it doesn't matter who the Republican is because they never win anyway."
> 
> ...


My parents are both republicans and my sister leans right. However, since the end of the bush administration I am happy to say they have all seen the light and joined the rest of MA and most of my extended family. My father sometimes falls back to the dark side, but I'm usually there with a verbal 2X4 to knock him back into line.:rofl:

Romney and healey really killed most of the cred of the rep party in MA..


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: :rofl: Love me, love my Jeep Wrangler. Your loss.
> 
> But I GUARANTEE that MY Jeep is WAY cooler than your exH's Jeep.  I mean was it the JEEP or your Ex? I'm rather curious. I can see why a lot of people wouldn't like a Wrangler. It's not for everyone. I have a best friend who HATES convertibles and that's all I've owned since 1986 but we're still friends...and we just take his car if we're together.
> 
> Fortunately I don't take these things personally. I just found that vastly amusing.


I think it was a little bit of both. I always referred to the Jeep as his "first wife" and am absolutely thrilled beyond all reasonable measure that I will never ever again in my life have to hear anyone pratter endlessly about the glories of a Dana 65 axle, debate the appropriate wheel size for the lift, scratch my car all to hell trying to hang the hard top, or pout for days about having to hose the floor out AFTER I explained that I was going to get carsick if I wasn't driving if he insisted on me going four-wheeling in his POS Death Trap.

If only he'd had a convertible--I love convertibles! Especially fast ones. Not dirty tippy ones that get your hair all messed up and leave you feeling gross and dirty if you go anywhere in them.

Yeah--I actually still like my ex okay. But will never deal with another Jeep ever never ever again!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

geek down said:


> I've never had a problem talking about my feelings or emotions...Guess that makes me a girl in your Ex's eye...


I guess, but his opinion doesn't matter. He also thinks its a great idea to get married not even 2 weeks after being divorced....so yeah.....


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> I guess, but his opinion doesn't matter. He also thinks its a great idea to get married not even 2 weeks after being divorced....so yeah.....


WOW...2 weeks huh??? wow...


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

geek down said:


> WOW...2 weeks huh??? wow...


Divorced on Dec 6, his marriage was on Dec 22...ok sorry, 2 weeks, 2 days 

That is his 3rd marriage.....

He was engaged not even 2 months after trying to "win me back". 

He has been married as long as he has been divorced from me. 

I predict he will end up cheating on her as he did with me and his 1st ex

I have learned so much about what I DON'T want in a partner and I thank him for showing me that.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> . I always referred to the Jeep as his "first wife" and am absolutely thrilled beyond all reasonable measure that I will never ever again in my life have to hear anyone pratter endlessly about the glories of a Dana 65 axle, debate the appropriate wheel size for the lift, scratch my car all to hell trying to hang the hard top, or pout for days about having to hose the floor out AFTER I explained that I was going to get carsick if I wasn't driving if he insisted on me going four-wheeling in his POS Death Trap.
> 
> If only he'd had a convertible--I love convertibles! Especially fast ones. Not dirty tippy ones that get your hair all messed up and leave you feeling gross and dirty if you go anywhere in them.
> 
> Yeah--I actually still like my ex okay. But will never deal with another Jeep ever never ever again!


AWwww..I love 4 wheeling! Dana 65? He must've built up his Jeep quite a bit. I got the Dana 44 with the 33x12.5/15s, 4.5 inch lift, etc, etc. I can go on and on about that. I did mostly rock crawling because "MUD" spelled backwards is "DUM".  Mud does terrible things to your Jeep. 

What year was his Jeep? The earlier ones were indeed "Tippy" but mine is more "carlike". It's a 2005. It's actually one of the few cars that my husband LIKED. 

If you were to ask MY ex husband about cars he hated he'd say my '91 Mustang GT convertible. He HATED that car with a passion. I used to race that car and it WAS like having an affair. I spent a ton of money on it, put 3 different engines on it, 2 different suspensions and everything else under the sun. It really did damage my marriage the way I carried on with that car.  You two could have an interesting conversation!  

I've been pretty low key with the Jeep and my husband liked it lifted. I stopped wheeling with it when we separated because it had to be a family car, not a toy. Just as well because it was getting expensive. 

I understand where you are coming from though. Boys (or girls) and their toys.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> AWwww..I love 4 wheeling! Dana 65? He must've built up his Jeep quite a bit. I got the Dana 44 with the 33x12.5/15s, 4.5 inch lift, etc, etc. I can go on and on about that. I did mostly rock crawling because "MUD" spelled backwards is "DUM".  Mud does terrible things to your Jeep.
> 
> What year was his Jeep? The earlier ones were indeed "Tippy" but mine is more "carlike". It's a 2005. It's actually one of the few cars that my husband LIKED.
> 
> ...


His was a 97 CJ. Spun like a top in snow before he started the mods. In the end it had an 8 inch lift, a custom build engine with a dual battery setup, winch from a tow truck, just insane. He always said that he wanted to be buried with his Jeep, I told him I was looking forward to cremating it myself. 

The funny thing is that I GET putting money into race cars. My stepdad and stepbrothers have raced anything with wheels for as long as I can remember. Racing is fun. I'm trying to figure out the timing to be able to go to this year's F1 race in Austin because I can't imagine anything better than being up close and personal with such amazing cars (and drivers!). 

I don't think the ex will ever realize just how much damage he did to our relationship with his "hobby". But I'm sure that he and the Jeep are very happy spooning together with all the extra space in the garage now that I'm gone


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I think you meant an '87 CJ? Or a '97 TJ? I guess it doesn't matter but based on what you said I'd guess "CJ" because they were known for that. My TJ is good in the snow. In any case it sounds like it's a righteous rig.  

I know what you mean though... I did some REAL damage to my marriage with my Mustang too. Same sort of deal in that I put aside what was important in our marriage to play with the car. I had mental/emotional real issues and I think rather than deal with them I became obsessed with the car instead. The car became my diversion, my escape and in the end it just made things worse.  

Fortunately I turned myself around and became a better person in the end..just in time for my ex to start drinking and become an alcoholic. But at least when it came to our kids the timing was right. He was there for the kids when I was going through my "issues" and I was there when he went through his. I wish we could've gotten it together in our marriage. Maybe now we will now that we're divorced. One can only hope. We certainly seem to be getting along a lot better. Funny how that works.

It's cool how you like to race! I would've loved to continue on but it was very expensive and time consuming. In fact, I bought the Jeep to try and "dial things down" and it was better, especially since I did use it as a family car a lot and wasn't obsessed with it, tearing it apart, etc. I was able to refrain from doing it even though it was modded. 

But in the end even that was too expensive and I've gotten into stuff like kayaking, hiking, camping, etc. Jeep works well with that lifestyle and I really enjoy putting the top down, doors off. It's a fun vehicle to have.


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