# Needing help



## Jesscca21 (Jan 21, 2019)

Im 28 and have been with my husband for 11ys married 7. We have a 10 year old and have had a very up and down marriage. Im not sure what to do but hoping for help here.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Jesscca21 said:


> Im 28 and have been with my husband for 11ys married 7. We have a 10 year old and have had a very up and down marriage. Im not sure what to do but hoping for help here.


What would you like to change? What do you feel is wrong with the way things stand today?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hi Jess,

Welcome to TAM ! Not many details so the only thing I have right now is stay on birth control at least until this is sorted out.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

What are the issues in your marriage?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jesscca21 said:


> Im 28 and have been with my husband for 11ys married 7. We have a 10 year old and have had a very up and down marriage. Im not sure what to do but hoping for help here.


Hi!

How up and down? And why?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Please go to the forum that you feel most fits and start a thread that give us details from your point of view.


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## Jesscca21 (Jan 21, 2019)

*Am I crazy.*

I want to start with I fell deep in love with my husband when I was 17 and up until 4 years ago I had never questioned it. We've been together for 11 years 7 years married. So our problems started during our first year of marriage when my husband started his addiction to pain pills . 

I didn't know he had a problem, i had suspected it but he was a really good liar. I was a stay at home mom at this time and didnt have the option to move out and also didn't want to end my marriage before our first anniversary. After awhile things changed, he started acting different. So it turns out he started outpatient rehab and we went through the financial burden of that but around our 2nd anniversary he had finished. He was sober for a total of 6 months and then came a new problem. He decide he was bisexual and started looking for hook-ups on craigslist. 

I was devasted when I found out. Cried for a week solid, but he asked forgiveness and swore nothing had happenes just sexting and swapping pictures. So i stayed believing he loved me and he was finished with the phase. Except this has continued and transformed into a full fledged hobby, he has added cross dressing and is very popular in that circle. Thanks to this site he runs I found pictures of him in other bedrooms so I know hes not been faithful. 

All while this was going on he has very little to do with me and not much to do with our 9 year old son. He has also upgraded his drug of choice to meth and has stopped working since I make plenty of money. Also as of 6 months ago he started a relationship with a girl about 10 years younger that also is addicted to meth. Idk if I'm so numb do to everything hes done or if I'm just stupid but I'm still here. 

During all of this I've been faithful and held our life together for the sake of our son. However a few months ago i finally noticed a coworker that has always been there but i was too busy hanging on for dear life i never looked his way. I've not pursued him, and have not done anything but he has changed the way i view my life. 

I look at him and i see a simplier life, a loving life that i could see myself having. I want it, i want happiness and to know I'm loved by someone else. I love my husband even through everything but ik i will never have a good life with him. Ik i will never want more kids with him or to buy a house. Im wrapped with guilt just dreaming of my coworker and what i could have but I'm struggling knowing for sure if I should give up. Please help


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Am I crazy.*

No you are not crazy. 

Well except for the fact that you are still with your husband. You should have divorced him a long time ago. While divorce can be hard on kids, being in a family with the issues going on in your home is much worse for a kid. 

He is openly cheating and bringing strangers into your how to cheat with. This is dangerous for your child.

Your husband is using meth. There is no way he should be around your son unsupervised. 

Don't get into an affair. You will hate yourself if you do. Instead use this as the moment that you realized that there is more out there. You can have a good life if you divorce your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Jesscca21 

I merged your two threads so that you get better input.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Please seek a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. You need to protect yourself and your children from you hopefully STBXH.
Meth users are notoriously unstable and he is exposing your family to all sorts of potential issues. It may be that you are codependent and you should seriously look into that -- seek Individual Counseling. HOW can you still love someone who has and CONTINUES to betray you? Please help yourself and your family and remove him from your lives.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Jess,

#1 Don't cheat. You can pursue all you like after divorce.
#2 Divorce now ! This is in no way at all a bad reflection on you. It is you making the right choice for yourself and your child.

I'm not saying it is headed this way but it isn't uncommon to hear of meth heads turning violent. Get out now!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to get OUT. NOW. Run far and fast.

There is absolutely nothing to your marriage except a legality. He doesnt give half a damn about you or the family. I am shocked there is any doubt for you. 

GET...OUT....


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I think a lot of us will be shocked by your story. We have seen a lot of crazy stories here. One thing that is concerning is that you seem very calm and much more accepting of the situation than I would expect. Maybe you have been in it so long that all the craziness seems normal, but things are pretty extreme in your relationship and it probably should have ended a while ago.

Do you have any family close by that you can lean on for support and guidance? It sounds like you have a good job and will be able to provide a stable life for your daughter. Your husband has moved onto another lifestyle and it's hard to see how he can be a good husband like this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jesscca21 This is what you need to do:-


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you really want your son living with a druggie, a cheat, a liar and someone who cant be bothered to work? How is that giving him a good male role model?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

your only 28 ...so young....there is plenty of life out there still waiting for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you're waiting for him to change back into the person you thought he was, you could spend the rest of your life waiting on that. Don't.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

As others have said get out, the only crazy thing is you are still together, he will not change.

A colleague of mines husband started using meth again and she is still paying for it 3 years later. He has ruined her credit and almost financially ruined her completely while also putting the children in hard constantly.

You are 28 and say you make good money so that is a huge plus on your side. You need to file for divorce and also get him out your house since he can leave drugs lying around and also legally you could get in trouble, cancel all joint credit, close all joint accounts and separate yourself financially to protect yourself.

It is hard and will be painful and clearly you love him but you have to see the truth and get out before you end up in a worse situation.

If you read this as someone else's story what would you think???

He is a drug user(serious drug)
Does not contribute financially so he is actually costing you money and you are paying for his habit
Does not respect you since he is taking meth and cheating
Sex with other men and drug use = high STD risk (Do not sleep with him)


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Openminded said:


> If you're waiting for him to change back into the person you thought he was, you *could* spend the rest of your life waiting on that. Don't.


 Should read "most likely will" spend the rest of your life waiting on that.

You are on borrowed time. He will get you in financial trouble and possibly legal trouble if he keeps using. You need to see a lawyer and file as quickly as you can.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Jess, you heard them. Bail out now!


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## jyotisharma2859 (Feb 12, 2019)

I suggest doing what you want


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The last straw should be the bi thing. That will bring strangers into your bedroom if not already, repetitively. 

Combine that with the drugs, and your ages, and his lack of working, and the paint is pretty much set and dried; he won't turn back into a good husband or father. 

At least not for many years.

Consult a lawyer, plan living apart financially and physically, and it sounds like a divorce is a much better choice for you and your son.

You're very young. Doing this sooner (much sooner) than later is way better. 

Your life will almost certainly deteriorate under present conditions. Please don't doubt that. This isn't a new thing. It is known that things will continue to only get worse.

It's not easy to do, but a necessity to do. 

Good luck.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I completely agree with this quote! Now you need to protect yourself and your son. If you dont, you can also lose your son. Once someone learns this at your son's school, your neighborhood, your family, your child can be taken away if they report it to Child Protective Services. By you knowing your husband's condition and staying in it, that means you're basically supporting his lifestyle in your home with your child. 

My first ex-husband, also from high school sweetheart, (I am in my early 30s now), lived a double life (severe gambling, prostitutes, beating) and I did not even find out until I married him and then we moved in together and I learned everything. The truth unfolded in front of me and it was the most depressing ordeal to experience. I dont know if he was bisexual also, but I remember that the first 1st exhusband started expressing that he wanted to experiment with his sexuality and find out who he really is. I learned and saw that he started watching more homosexual porn, when I vacuumed deeply every weekend (moving around furniture to get under the carpet), I remember finding sexuality books, lots of sexual toys he was using on himself. When I asked him what's going on, he deflected that it was me or he would sometimes admit that when I'm not there in our apartment he would use them. So now, after finding out the truth of his private life, I start to wonder thinking back if he also brought the prostitutes home when I was at work or visiting my family or attending church on the weekends. He admitted the prostitutes were women, but I never asked if some of them were men, too or he was seeking out men. 

In the end, when I had an OBGYN check up, I contracted a bacterial STD, so my doctor prescribed antibiotics for a course of 10 days because the bacterial count was too high. That's when I really knew that my health and safety was much more important instead of his wishes to work it out with an Licensed Marriage Family Therapist. I informed the LMFT of my findings and ended it. 

I am sharing part of my story because it's a learning lesson for you also. I need you to think of your son and yourself first now. Cut off /close accounts with him immediately. if you own a home, sell or take his name out of the title. Get a complete HIV/STD/VD check up now. speak with your son that there will be changes and might find a new home. Tell a trusted family member or friend what is going on so they can back you up emotionally. 

Afterward, when it is all done, then you can pursue your coworker. I mean really you are also thinking of having a fulfilled life also. If that coworker is kind and accepting, he will accept your son as is own and be a role model, too, for your son. 

Dont think about, think about the steps to take, and execute it. 



MovingForward said:


> As others have said get out, the only crazy thing is you are still together, he will not change.
> 
> A colleague of mines husband started using meth again and she is still paying for it 3 years later. He has ruined her credit and almost financially ruined her completely while also putting the children in hard constantly.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I tell women in your position one thing: By you staying, you are harming him. He has NO reason to get better, to get a job, to become a good parent...as long as you are there, picking up all the pieces for him. Move out and give him something to strive for.


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