# New here....unfortunately.



## Sadiej11 (Jan 4, 2008)

I just found out that my husband of a short year and a half cheated on me at least once. He owns his own business and it was with one of his "former" employees at the play of business. He lied about it for over a year and only came clean to me because I threatened to contact her. 

I am so lost. We have a child together and now I have to face the possibility of my child growing up in a divorced home.....as I did. I know a child is no reason to stay together, but it is making me think that I should at least try and work it out.

Anyone else torn between saving their marriage for the sake of their child/children or just walking away?

We've all heard once a cheat, always a cheat and deep down I suppose I believe that. I myself have never cheated in any relationship and wouldn't even think about cheating on my husband....if I wasn't happy in one facet or another I'd just put it out on the table and deal with it....not go behind his back and cheat. He of course cannot explain why he did it. He claims to love me and wants to work it out, but how do we build trust from here? Will I always question his fidelity? Where do I go from here? I never thought that I'd be in this situation? Should I file for separation?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and I am here to listen to any other vents, problems, etc.


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## Mumofthree (Dec 26, 2007)

I'm so sorry for you, I can't think of anything worse to happen in a marriage 

I suppose everyone has different circumstances and people can change too. I have just seperated from my husband who cheated on me about 6 years ago, although he never actually admitted to the affair, instead he denied it vehemently, I knew he had, but chose to give him a chance because we had 3 very young children at the time.
Here I am 6 years later and he's done it again, this time I threw him out!
In my case, the fact that we never actually worked through the first infidelity and in his mind he had "got away with it", he probably thought he could again.
I do believe everyone deserves at least one chance to prove themselves, but would really advise you actively working through your issues. If you find that the obstacles are too large to overcome, well then so be it. 
I know for myself,it took me about two years before I felt any trust for him again, he also had many females working with him in close quarters (which is how the second affair started, also the first).
I don't know what sort of man your husband is, mine unfortunately was a lot more arrogant and selfish than I gave him credit for!
I would say if you do really love each other it's worth working through it, just have yourself a back up plan in case things do go wrong. 
Best of luck, I really hope things work out for you


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sadiej11 said:


> I am so lost. We have a child together and now I have to face the possibility of my child growing up in a divorced home.....as I did. I know a child is no reason to stay together, but it is making me think that I should at least try and work it out.
> 
> .



What is worse a child growing up with two homes or a child caught in a bad marriage?

If you stay I would say there needs to be conditions.

If you leave you need to come to solutions as far as your child is conserned.

draconis


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## Delphi (Nov 28, 2007)

Marriages can survive adultery. If you think you can put it behind you and not let resentment or suspicion eat you up then it is worth trying. 

However, cheating is often a sign of other, deep seated personality flaws that will not improve. For example is your husband selfish, self-indulgent, egocentric, lacking in self-discipline, does he lie about other things, is he controlling or demanding, irresponsible or emotionally withholding?

If so, adultery may not be the only problem you will face. If not, then he may well have made just one mistake and won't do it again.


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## username (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm in a similar situation - "deciding" what to do. No children involved, so perhaps I am lucky that I only have the decision to make for "myself." 

At any rate, what I have decided to do is give my husband/our marriage "one more chance" before calling it quits. I figure that everyone deserves a second chance, and that everyone's marriage is tested in some capacity at some point. Its especially hard with cheating tho because its so hurtful and its hard enough to deal with outside problems that affect your marriage, let alone ones that your supposedly 'best friend'/life partner brings into the mix. In our case, my husband has changed alot for the better - he is 'self aware' for the first time in his life, and also realizes that his consequences can actually affect other people. THough i wish he could have come to these realizations without having an affair, thats what happened and I can't change the past i can only work with what i have in the present. 

I am trying to be firm but kind. I put myself first now. I want to work on my marriage, but not at the cost of sacrificing myself or my self esteem. It took awhile for me to come to this attitude because i was so hurt and broken and confused at first. Make sure he knows your conditions. If he is willing to respect this and work with you than maybe you have a chance. I believe in second chances, but not much more beyond that.

Anyway, a lot has changed between us, and we're not ouf of the woods yet. But the pain does die down day by day. I take comfort in the fact that i can always leave if it gets to be too much, but that this is the time here and now to try to save our marriage if thats what we are trying to do. If it doesn't work, it doesnt work but no one can blame me for not trying and for holding up my end of the deal and i think i would/will have fewer regrets about trying before i gave up.


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## Bridge34 (Jul 14, 2015)

I really needed to read this, I just found out a week ago that my fiancé had cheated on me 5 months ago, I found messages to the OW about how amazing it was and how he wanted to do it again, he swears it was only once and that the messages were just for attention!! I kicked him out and he says he has been talking to someone and thinks what he has done has to do with depression that he has been too ashamed to realize! I love him, and seeing him cry and beg to come home hurts my heart but I'm so guarded and get angry at the though...what do I do?? He says he wants a chance to be the man I deserve and knows what he needs to do to change and get better?!?! I'm hurt and lost and confused


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bridge34 said:


> I really needed to read this, I just found out a week ago that my fiancé had cheated on me 5 months ago, I found messages to the OW about how amazing it was and how he wanted to do it again, he swears it was only once and that the messages were just for attention!! I kicked him out and he says he has been talking to someone and thinks what he has done has to do with depression that he has been too ashamed to realize! I love him, and seeing him cry and beg to come home hurts my heart but I'm so guarded and get angry at the though...what do I do?? He says he wants a chance to be the man I deserve and knows what he needs to do to change and get better?!?! I'm hurt and lost and confused


First, this thread is over 7 years old. You'll get more feedback if you open your own thread.

Second, I (and, I hope, most others as well) would advise you to dump the chump. Kick him out of your life -- immediately and permanently -- and don't look back.

Oh, and be thankful that his true character was revealed to you now as opposed to 10 or 20 years from now and there's a mortgage, vehicle notes, retirement accounts, and a handful of children involved.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sadiej11 said:


> I just found out that my husband of a short year and a half cheated on me at least once. He owns his own business and it was with one of his "former" employees at the play of business. He lied about it for over a year and only came clean to me because I threatened to contact her.
> 
> I am so lost. We have a child together and now I have to face the possibility of my child growing up in a divorced home.....as I did. I know a child is no reason to stay together, but it is making me think that I should at least try and work it out.
> 
> ...


That's because it's an almost universal truth. You guys were still in your honeymoon phase and he was cheating??? If you take him back in my opinion it will just be a matter of time. You deserve better and your kiddo deserves better. My guess is if you look in his past you'll see he has cheated before and will again. 

If any bright side you have learned this early on and can still get out. Some of us wasted decades with cheaters


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> First, this thread is over _*7 years old.*_ You'll get more feedback if you open your own thread.
> 
> Second, I (and, I hope, most others as well) would advise you to dump the chump. Kick him out of your life -- immediately and permanently -- and don't look back.
> 
> Oh, and be thankful that his true character was revealed to you now as opposed to 10 or 20 years from now and there's a mortgage, vehicle notes, retirement accounts, and a handful of children involved.


Crap I missed that. Thanks Gus


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