# Depression and confusion?????



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Is it possible to become depressed and believe you are depressed about something and that not be the case? As I have mentioned in my other posts, my wife has asked for a divorce after 18 years of marriage just because she's "not happy." She began losing weight and her appetite at the end of last year. By summer, she was acting weird and lying around crying and saying she wasn't happy in our marriage anymore and wanted a divorce. Could it be that she is depressed, for whatever reason, and believes it is due to our marriage. I feel that if she were her old self, she would not want a divorce.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I don't know if it's possible, but I feel my husband is in the same situation...

He asked for a divorce saying he has been unhappy for 3, 5, 7 years (it changes every time) and he is depressed and angry and resentful because of my doing (debt, sex, etc.)....

I think he's got a midlife crisis in addition....'

He says he can only get better if he divorces me, since I'm the reason he got sick .....

I admit I've done a lot of things wrong, but he vowed "For better or worse !!!!!!!"....


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> I don't know if it's possible, but I feel my husband is in the same situation...
> 
> He asked for a divorce saying he has been unhappy for 3, 5, 7 years (it changes every time) and he is depressed and angry and resentful because of my doing (debt, sex, etc.)....
> 
> ...



You just described my situation. My wife now says she has been unhappy for years, and the number of years changes from time to time. She is sick, and claims being rid of me will cure her and a joyous life will then emerge. I too, admit that I couild have been a better husband in some areas, but I see it as nothing that couldn't be worked out if she really wanted to.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Our stories are exactly alike !!!!!

I know our problems could be solved easily....I'm working on it right now and pretty successful on all issues....

But he says he doesn't love me anymore and there's no way to fix it.....

If you check out my other posts you'll find that his "I don't love you anymore" can't be entirely true unless he has turned into the biggest heartless bastard over night from being the most selfless and sweet person......

It all makes no sense to me....

Depression is a big bit** and there is nothing we can do about it, but hope that they'll come around and realize what big of a mistake they're making......


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> Our stories are exactly alike !!!!!
> 
> I know our problems could be solved easily....I'm working on it right now and pretty successful on all issues....
> 
> ...


My wife says also that she doesn't love me anymore and there is nothing I can do about it. She says it is too late. She acted crazy about me in the early days of our marriage, so I don't see how all that love faded either. I am so confused.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

> She acted crazy about me in the early days of our marriage, so I don't see how all that love faded either. I am so confused.


This is exactly what my husbands says. Personally, I believe you can be so confused and undecicive, that you can put yourself right into depression. I'm proof! 

9 yrs ago lost first born 2 days before inducement. Two weeks later lost my dad to lung cancer. She was meant for him, not me. However, once H said he would not try again I became selfish, lost respect for him stopped bc pills to get pregnant without telling him. I didn't care. After 2 babies in 3 years, my body image was horrible! In my eyes, and still is. The compound of my low self esteem, the resentment I think I still hold for him not willingly having a child with me, over all these years has surfaced and made me very depressed.

Did the counseling, helped a little but when H quit, I quit. I quit because I was starting to feel that my insecurities and resentment were justified and that maybe, just maybe, me wanting, feeling the need to be out of the marriage was justifiable and okay. That feeling made me more depressed as I know it crushes my H to pieces and he has aleardy said the end result is all up to me and if I decided to go, he walks away from me and our daughter. If he cannot have us both to complete his live, he doesn't want any of it. That depresses me more.

So, to your questions, yes I think confusion and depression run parallel and actually feed off each other. I'm 3 days in on medication. So far, all I feel is more relaxed, less anxious. Still have thoughts, still self talk. No good answers for you. Sorry.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

southbound said:


> You just described my situation. My wife now says she has been unhappy for years, and the number of years changes from time to time. She is sick, and claims being rid of me will cure her and a joyous life will then emerge. I too, admit that I couild have been a better husband in some areas, but I see it as nothing that couldn't be worked out if she really wanted to.


 My story exactly. I think however that my wife is finally seeing a therapist at the urging of her doctor. For the past week she has made a lot of comments and done a lot of things that lead me to believe she may be turning a corner. I'm hopeful.
Go to youtube and access the clips of Michelle Weiner-Davis. If you don't know who she is, Google her. She's no internet huckster. She's very legit. So much of what she says mirrors my situation and I find her to be a great relief for me. This one really strikes home, but check out others as well. Hope they make you feel a little better.

YouTube - Marriage Advice: Divorce Busting 101 - The Walk Away Wife


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

It's strange that my wife can act really happy around other people, but depressed around me. I had a woman tell me that if she was so depressed that she wanted a divorce, she would be depressed all the time and not just around the husband.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

southbound said:


> It's strange that my wife can act really happy around other people, but depressed around me. I had a woman tell me that if she was so depressed that she wanted a divorce, she would be depressed all the time and not just around the husband.


She has probably created a fantasy scenario of what will make her happy. You are the scapegoat for her guilt. In order to protect herself from her own conscience she has made you the person to blame for everything. It's easier that way. Depressed people don't have to lie around in bed or cry all day.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have been following Southbound & KrinOnt's recent threads, sometimes I get the 2 of you mixed up because your stories are so similar, glad to see you found each other on here, good support getting through this.

To answer the original question, if she is truly going through a mid life crisis, I think what you are asking is very possible -- she could very well convince herself it IS the marraige -when maybe it really isn't (only to learn this after the damage is done- if you divorce). Not that I would know, but don't us women usually look for someone or something to blame if we feel we are " loosing it" somehow, if something we are going through makes no sense. A shame she is not an open sharer to help you make sense of this.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> She has probably created a fantasy scenario of what will make her happy. You are the scapegoat for her guilt. In order to protect herself from her own conscience she has made you the person to blame for everything. It's easier that way. Depressed people don't have to lie around in bed or cry all day.


Sounds like a reasonable possibility.






SimplyAmorous said:


> I have been following Southbound & KrinOnt's recent threads, sometimes I get the 2 of you mixed up because your stories are so similar, glad to see you found each other on here, good support getting through this.
> 
> To answer the original question, if she is truly going through a mid life crisis, I think what you are asking is very possible -- she could very well convince herself it IS the marraige -when maybe it really isn't (only to learn this after the damage is done- if you divorce). Not that I would know, but don't us women usually look for someone or something to blame if we feel we are " loosing it" somehow, if something we are going through makes no sense. A shame she is not an open sharer to help you make sense of this.



She is certainly not an open sharer, and she's not into the idea of counceling. It's odd that she used to like the Dr. Phil show, but now she acts as if counceling is the stupidest thing she has ever heard of.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

My wife currently thinks I am the source of all her unhappiness and if I'm gone, the good life is going to be abundant. She's in a real selfish state of mind too; she doesn't think it will be bad for the kids or anyone else; everyone will just adjust and go on in her eyes. I just don't think she's considering having to pay bills alone, doing all the housework alone, taking care of repairs alone, being without someone when she may be sick and in bed, etc. I'm not saying that she isn't capable, I just don't think she has thought about what a divorce will mean in the long term. I don't see how all that equals joy.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

southbound said:


> My wife currently thinks I am the source of all her unhappiness and if I'm gone, the good life is going to be abundant. She's in a real selfish state of mind too; she doesn't think it will be bad for the kids or anyone else; everyone will just adjust and go on in her eyes. I just don't think she's considering having to pay bills alone, doing all the housework alone, taking care of repairs alone, being without someone when she may be sick and in bed, etc. I'm not saying that she isn't capable, I just don't think she has thought about what a divorce will mean in the long term. I don't see how all that equals joy.


Brother, if you haven't already, read my original post. I can't believe how these things occur like a disease....all the same symptoms. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/17752-my-wife-left-im-devastated.html


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> Brother, if you haven't already, read my original post. I can't believe how these things occur like a disease....all the same symptoms.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/17752-my-wife-left-im-devastated.html


My wife doesn't want to hear that. I mentioned hoping things would get "better," and she said she was tired of everybody acting like she had some kind of disease and would get better.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Yup. Been there. She won't want to hear it from anyone. One of the biggest symptoms of depression is denial that there is a problem. I have been beating my head against a rock on this one.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> Yup. Been there. She won't want to hear it from anyone. One of the biggest symptoms of depression is denial that there is a problem. I have been beating my head against a rock on this one.


Been beating my head on a rock too. This is the most confusing thing I have ever faced.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

southbound said:


> Been beating my head on a rock too. This is the most confusing thing I have ever faced.


I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's getting easier for me now. I'm not physically ill anymore. No more anxiety attacks. I can eat again and I don't sleep too bad. Miss her like hell though.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

southbound said:


> My wife currently thinks I am the source of all her unhappiness and if I'm gone, the good life is going to be abundant. She's in a real selfish state of mind too; she doesn't think it will be bad for the kids or anyone else; everyone will just adjust and go on in her eyes. I just don't think she's considering having to pay bills alone, doing all the housework alone, taking care of repairs alone, being without someone when she may be sick and in bed, etc. I'm not saying that she isn't capable, I just don't think she has thought about what a divorce will mean in the long term. I don't see how all that equals joy.


Exactly like my husband.....I'm sure he hasn't considered everything that's going to change after divorce....he's already paying all the bills himself, so that's nothing new, but.....

....he'll have to take care of the house (over 3000 sqft) by himself and we have 2 messy dogs and 2 messy kids.....

....he is not the most social person so I can't imagine him dating much.....

....sex is very important to him, so without me and not dating much....you can put 2 + 2 together .....

...he just told me today about all the things that have to be repaired and renovated before he could even attempt to sell the house.....how in the world does he think he could do all that with paying child support every month where as now he doesn't have the expense now....

....who's taking care of the kids when he's feeling down or tired....he loves his sons but isn't into playing their games that much or going places with them...

....he knows that the kids are going to hate him for this (his words).....

Right now he's just thinking about himself ....

And the bad thing is....I *know* that he still loves me....he's just trying to convince himself that he doesn't, but I know better (we're still having sex, he cuddles at night, he said "Yes, dear." twice today :scratchhead: )....

I wish he would realize that he's making a mistake....


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> (we're still having sex, he cuddles at night, he said "Yes, dear." twice today :scratchhead: )....
> 
> I wish he would realize that he's making a mistake....


You have got to cut him off the sex. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. You just can't keep sleeping with him when he's like this. You're just enabling his behaviour.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> You have got to cut him off the sex. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. You just can't keep sleeping with him when he's like this. You're just enabling his behaviour.


I know  it's so hard though cause I feel like maybe that's one way to show him what he'd be missing....besides the point that I love having sex with him 

I feel like if I cut him off it now I might as well sign the divorce decree today..... 

I'm lost........


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> I know  it's so hard though cause I feel like maybe that's one way to show him what he'd be missing....besides the point that I love having sex with him
> 
> I feel like if I cut him off it now I might as well sign the divorce decree today.....
> 
> I'm lost........


He'll never miss it if he's getting every night. Take it from a man. If I were him I might feel guilty, but I'd still take the sex if it's offered. If you really want to show him what he'd be missing, let him actually miss it for a while.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> He'll never miss it if he's getting every night. Take it from a man. If I were him I might feel guilty, but I'd still take the sex if it's offered. If you really want to show him what he'd be missing, let him actually miss it for a while.


Being a man, I agree 100%. Cut off the sex and let him see what he's missing.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

southbound said:


> Being a man, I agree 100%. Cut off the sex and let him see what he's missing.


What about the fact that not having sex often enough is one of the reasons for him to quit our marriage  ???

Should I still cut him off ???

I'm making all these changes to prove him that I've understood what he's been trying to tell me all those years..... and if I cut him off now then he'll be right there with his therapist who's saying "she might make changes for a little while and then go right back to her old ways".....

You know what I mean ?!?!?


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Dale&Alex said:


> What about the fact that not having sex often enough is one of the reasons for him to quit our marriage  ???
> 
> Should I still cut him off ???
> 
> ...


Fair enough, but not enough is better than never


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Why am I just so scared of this ???

You know my husband said I don't care enough about him or otherwise I would've done all these changes years ago and we could still be happy....

I said if I didn't care enough then why the he** am I trying so hard now to change it ?!?!

He said that I'm only scared of being alone.....

F*** you !!!! He was in the Army for 7 years out of our marriage and deployed several times to Iraq too.....I was alone for 14 1/2 months during one deployment....didn't cheat, didn't do anything other than sit at home hoping he was alive....other Army wives went on cheating or wrote them their Dear John letters.....

I can be on my own very well....financially it might be a little challenge at first, but I know I can do it !!!!!

I don't want to be without him because this jerk is the love of my life !!!!!!! I hate him for doing this to us, but I love him so much because he's such a great person behind this wall he put up.....

He's not a man to admit he's wrong (for divorcing me) and that's why I'm so scared to cut him off....

He most likely will realize that he's made the wrong decision one day (especially when I'm hot and sexy again:smthumbup but he will just count his losses and move on because he'd be too proud to try again....even though I would so give him another chance !!!!

Damn midlife crisis, damn depression, damn PTSD !!!!!!!!


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## Cyllinia (Nov 21, 2010)

I am in a similar situation. My husband of almost 15 years is depressed and told me a month ago he does not love me anymore. He says that he wants to try to make it work and is seeing a therapist and we start couples councelling next week. 
His therapist says if he doesn't love himself how can he love anyone else so they are working on getting him to a place where he can work on loving me again. Until then all I can do is wait and try to be supportive.
A day or to after he told me he didn't love me he said "so I guess we won't be having sex anymore?". I said that it didn't make sense to me to go without sex if we both wanted it. 
I guess I saw it as why should I have to suffer even more by going without sex.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

southbound said:


> My wife says also that she doesn't love me anymore and there is nothing I can do about it. She says it is too late. She acted crazy about me in the early days of our marriage, so I don't see how all that love faded either. I am so confused.


I have this similar situation as well, but my wife does tell me occasionally that she still loves me, but it all depends on her mood and how she is feeling at the time also.

My wife has been diagnosed with depression and PTSD (she served in the Air Force in Desert Storm). We have recently separated, it was a mutual agreement. We had a discussion with the kids regarding our problems. They don't like me being gone, but they understand. My wife has admitted to me that she regrets having me leave the house, but at the same time, she is thankful for the time and the space that my leaving created. She is not under as much stress now, she can think things through more clearly. I can sort through my thoughts and feelings easier as well. We both are under less pressure to come up with a solution, and in so we have seen things that have otherwise been cloudy. Our goal is to eventually become one again.

At this time, my wife and I are both very confused, and we are both working out our problems, one day at a time. As long as there is a spark of hope, I am not giving up. Neither is she.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

southbound said:


> My wife currently thinks I am the source of all her unhappiness and if I'm gone, the good life is going to be abundant. She's in a real selfish state of mind too; she doesn't think it will be bad for the kids or anyone else; everyone will just adjust and go on in her eyes. I just don't think she's considering having to pay bills alone, doing all the housework alone, taking care of repairs alone, being without someone when she may be sick and in bed, etc. I'm not saying that she isn't capable, I just don't think she has thought about what a divorce will mean in the long term. I don't see how all that equals joy.


same senario Im in right now gone from being great to Im the root of all her proplems! in one month!! She does not realize what is going to happen to our family & life! if there is divorce!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> Why am I just so scared of this ???
> 
> You know my husband said I don't care enough about him or otherwise I would've done all these changes years ago and we could still be happy....
> 
> ...


You sound like a good women wish more men would appreciate them!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

I have friends that treat there wives like garbage & thier wives take it and love them to death!!!!!!!!!! I treat mine like a queen & what do I get "i dont feel the same" I wish my wife would understand & want to work on our marriage!


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## angela85 (Jan 2, 2011)

maybe she was upset because her life was routinary i think? Did I assume right? Change your lifestyle maybe she just got bored. Think of things new things that will make her feel happy and content. Dont leave her as it will worsen her condition.


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## Miviman (Jan 9, 2011)

KRinOnt said:


> My story exactly. I think however that my wife is finally seeing a therapist at the urging of her doctor. For the past week she has made a lot of comments and done a lot of things that lead me to believe she may be turning a corner. I'm hopeful.
> Go to youtube and access the clips of Michelle Weiner-Davis. If you don't know who she is, Google her. She's no internet huckster. She's very legit. So much of what she says mirrors my situation and I find her to be a great relief for me. This one really strikes home, but check out others as well. Hope they make you feel a little better.
> 
> YouTube - Marriage Advice: Divorce Busting 101 - The Walk Away Wife


My story almost to a T. This video was very helpful and thank you for posting it. I really just want my wife back. She is becoming a walk away wife and I've never been so scared in all my life.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

gregj123 said:


> I have friends that treat there wives like garbage & thier wives take it and love them to death!!!!!!!!!! I treat mine like a queen & what do I get "i dont feel the same" I wish my wife would understand & want to work on our marriage!


I knew that feeling. It's another great puzzle that I will never understand.:scratchhead:


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