# Worst time in my life. Don´t know what to do.



## summersoul (Mar 23, 2014)

Hello everyone,

Me and my girlfriend were together for 2 and a half years. We had really good times and I loved her and I think she loved me really much. The last year of the relationship was full of mistrust, lying and arguing. She was still with her ex for the first 6 months because she didn´t know how to get rid of him and he was supporting her financially. She lied to me about it and I found out a year later. There were so many things that made me suspicious: Many male friends who were giving her attention. She also wanted to meet one of them one day but told me she just saw him as a friend and wanted be friendly.

All this plus that she lied to me about her ex made me mistrust her. We talked and argued about this stuff so so many times and to this day I can´t believe everything she told me because of inconsistencies in her stories. Because I couldn´t believe her, I was accusing her of cheating many times.

So the last two months were really rocky. We argued more and more. I wanted to talk about the past again and again because I was hoping that after she told me the truth, or what I was thinking was the truth, we could move on. At this time I just told her what I thought about her and her actions and it was quite ugly. I really hurt her. But still I don´t know if she told me the whole truth and that was killing me. At this time a few times I broke up and later came back and a few times also she did it. But I never gave up hope and wanted to work things out.

After this period she went on vacation. We even argued at this time and she ended the relationship. After she came back we met and thought about getting back together but I found out that she had an affair when she was on vacation. The affair started before she broke up and got really cold and distant. She told me that she wasn´t not that in love with me anymore and gave up hope on this relationship even before she went on vacation. But she didn´t broke up and wasn´t sure about us. But I had the feeling that she is quite into me but I guess she lost her feelings slowly because of the hard times. She told me she was hurt so much after I told her my opinion about her one month before she went on vacation.

So my problem now is that I feel guilty and I am thinking a big part that lead to her loosing her feelings and cheating is my fault. I couldn´t get over the past and came up with it like many times in the last year. My suspicions forced me to think bad about her as a person and telling her that. And I even don´t know if my suspicions were right. I love her like you can´t imagine but I also think I couldn´t get over the cheating. She wants me back and is begging me now.

Help, I would be happy about your opninions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My opinion... She's your girlfriend. She didn't pass probation. Move on already. Unless, of course, you like the high drama lifestyle... Because that's what your life with her will be. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sounds like she's not marriage material.

I would dump her now, but if you don't, at least don't marry her or live with her for a few years. My prediction is that during that time, you'll go through this again; and probably get that smoking gun you're looking for.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Time to find a new girlfriend. How's that for simple. She did not pass the vetting process.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

There's no future here and your relationship sounded horrible anyway.

Walk away, you can't fix this and you'd make things worse if you even try. Learn from it and move to the next one.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

If your bored, just take half of your belongings and money, your self esteem, toss them into the trash and you will have recreated your inevitable future. If anything, take a look around at all the people here whose relationship and initial marriage started out as "wonderful" and " perfect" only to end in bitter damnation. Dating and going steady is auditioning for the job, you have your answers, accept it and move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Run....just run.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> If your bored, just take half of your belongings and money, your self esteem, toss them into the trash and you will have recreated your inevitable future. If anything, take a look around at all the people here whose relationship and initial marriage started out as "wonderful" and " perfect" only to end in bitter damnation. Dating and going steady is auditioning for the job, you have your answers, accept it and move on.


you forgot "stick a red hot poker in your heart"...

great advice...why the hell does someone even need advice on how to handle a GIRLFRIEND...no kids, no marriage, it should be easy

go find someone who deserves you...kick this one to the curb...maybe bang a few of her friends on the way out though...why not??


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Looks to me you are a very lucky man. Drop her like a bad habit and never look back. Disregard this advice at your own peril.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Sounds like she's not marriage material.
> 
> I would dump her now, but if you don't, at least don't marry her or live with her for a few years. My prediction is that during that time, you'll go through this again; and probably get that smoking gun you're looking for.


She's not _girlfriend_ material.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

This is why you date, you find out things before you "sign on the dotted line." Be happy, all of this occurred before kids (I Hope) and marriage.

Oh and let's make it clear, you were the affair partner before, why did you expect to be treated differently?


> She was* still with her ex for the first 6 months because she didn´t know how to get rid of him *and he was supporting her financially. She lied to me about it and I found out a year later.


 You realize this is quite sad. She broke up with you, but couldn't figure out how to break up with him? Please tell me you don't believe this excuse. She's a liar.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Breakup and be single for a while. You need to work on that self esteem pal. Your fault she lied to you? Really? How does that work exactly?

You don't lover her. You lust for her. You want to make her your booty call, go for it. But realize you will just be one in a rotation of many for her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get checked for STD infections because I think you are at risk for it with this so-called girlfriend.

And please, do not get back with her, run, run, run away.

Consider yourself wiser for the experience and be glad there are no children to worry about.

I hope you're not one of these people that put up with drama because occasionally they get laid.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

When I was a young man, I had a girlfriend who I thought was "meant for me." I loved her so much, but we had plenty of little squabbles and lots of relationship talk, because things weren't quite right. 

But I couldn't let her go because I thought she was "the one" despite the problems that should have been obvious to me. There was probably fear that I wouldn't find someone else I suppose....

Then one day she broke up with me and I was devastated. Within 6 months I met another girl, and I was astonished how simple it was to get along. Everything clicked and I remember the thought I had, "oh, so that's how it's supposed to be...." The new girl, of course, is who I married.

I'm sure most here have similar stories and we're all trying to tell you that you and your girlfriend are in an audition phase, which she's flunking miserably. I don't care how much you love her, she's not marriage material. Not if you're having all of this drama now. It will only get worse once you're married. Move on.....


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Cubby said:


> When I was a young man, I had a girlfriend who I thought was "meant for me." I loved her so much, but we had plenty of little squabbles and lots of relationship talk, because things weren't quite right.
> 
> But I couldn't let her go because I thought she was "the one" despite the problems that should have been obvious to me. There was probably fear that I wouldn't find someone else I suppose....
> 
> ...


^^^^ THIS

It was exactly how I felt about my ex wife. And same thing, within several months of her leaving, I met my now wife and have never been happier.

I WISH I listened to the people who, 14 years prior, told me she was not the one for me. I WISH I had heeded the warning signs (of which there were many). I wish I had not wasted my time.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

summersoul said:


> So my problem now is that I feel guilty and I am thinking a big part that lead to her loosing her feelings and cheating is my fault. I couldn´t get over the past and came up with it like many times in the last year. My suspicions forced me to think bad about her as a person and telling her that. And I even don´t know if my suspicions were right. I love her like you can´t imagine but I also think I couldn´t get over the cheating. She wants me back and is begging me now.
> 
> Help, I would be happy about your opninions.


Well, you shouldn't feel guilty for HER actions - they are hers, and hers alone.

While you may have pushed her in that direction a little bit, it was inevitable anyway, I promise you. She found the justification she was looking for, and she acted the way she would have acted no matter what you could have done differently.

I felt similarly when my ex wife and I split up. She all but outright said that I pushed her to it (affair, etc.) It took me a long time to figure out that she was only looking for a reason and she would have found one at some point anyway. Whether that reason is that I became too beta, or I became too alpha. Whether I gained weight, or I spent too much time at the gym. If I was to dependent or too independent. Doesn't matter, she would have found something to justify her cheating.

So take this VASTLY important knowledge and use it to your advantage in selecting your next partner. You now know what the signs are, what to look for, etc.

Cut your losses, count many of them as wins, and find somebody better - and you will, I promise.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

She's a dependent, immature, fickle girl.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Summer my man, you just don't understand women. Youre just a "summer" romance. Think about something. How much time during the 2 1/2 years ya'll been dating that she wasn't banging somebody else? Face it Dawg; you had a relatively little fun time together before it deteriorated into "mistrust, lying and arguing".
See my man, girls do exactly what she's done to you when they are trying guys on for size. It starts out with her in an relationship that didn't work out. She start dating you and put something on you Ajax won't take off. After a time she start to lose interest in you and begin looking around for a replacement. You become like an article of clothes; she doesn't get rid of you completely until she's shopped around and found a better fit.
In the meantime, you see your damsel in distress slipping away and you don't want to lose the race. But what many men don't realize is that they don't control the race. It has nothing to do with what you want, how much time you've invested, how attractive she is, how much you "love" her. All that matters is how she feels about you. The fact that she wants you back after her sex filled vacation is like a dead cat bounce. You're not going on a drunken binge because she ditched you and she's eager to prove to herself she can reel you in and give you another scaling. If you're dumb enough to fall for it, there's not a lot more to say.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

PBear said:


> My opinion... She's your girlfriend. She didn't pass probation. Move on already. Unless, of course, you like the high drama lifestyle... Because that's what your life with her will be.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dang, this post should have ended the whole thread.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Dang, this post should have ended the whole thread.


Simple rarely works in love and drama.


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## summersoul (Mar 23, 2014)

So I must add a few things. I have to confess that in the beginning of the relationship (like the first 6 months) I also wasn´t commited and didn´t feel really in love. I flirted and met other girls but it never came to cheating. But I guess I would have cheated if I met the right one.

And another thing. Even if I was very commited to the relationship from then, in the last few months when times got rocky I also did mistakes. After we argued and I didn´t feel respected, I flirted a few times with other women at the club but I stopped before it would go further. It was like out of anger. I danced with them and flirted. Everytime I was really drunk at this time. I don´t know if something would have happen if I would have met a girl I really liked. But I really don´t think so, I think my heart wouldn´t let me do this. I can´t imagine starting an affair while being with her. I also told her about it the next day because I respected her. The last time was a few days before she went on vacation and of course that hurt her really much. 

But after telling you this, I know that I also did stupid things and I feel guilty. I am still feeling that I played a big part in the situation.


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## Trader1 (Oct 27, 2013)

Good luck with this because there's nothing anybody can say to stop you from going back. Apparently you are going to have to suffer a significant loss before you learn.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly i don't think either of you are ready for a relationship, at least with each other...while this can be hard to go through as boyfriend and girlfriend, neither one of you are married to the other, walking away might painful, but getting married and going through divorce would be painful and expensive...figure out who you are first and what you want before you engage in a relationship


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

summersoul said:


> But after telling you this, I know that I also did stupid things and I feel guilty. I am still feeling that I played a big part in the situation.


You sound like a man that hates drama. Step back and separate the hope from the reality. You hope if you beat yourself about the head and shoulders about your contribution to the problems, they will just go away and you two will be just hunky dory. (you cleaning up your act will make her want to clean up hers and both of you will realize what a wonderful life you'll have together)
The reality is that if the two of you had the right chemistry and compatibility, you wouldn't be out looking for replacements. Like the song sez, "If it don't come easy, you better let it go."


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

summersoul said:


> But after telling you this, I know that I also did stupid things and I feel guilty. I am still feeling that I played a big part in the situation.


There are very few betrayed spouses/partners that don't feel some sense of "what did I do to cause this". But you come to realize that's a rationalization. For 99% of all couples that deal with infidelity; it's really a black and white issue.

If they cheated on you; it's not your fault; it's their fault. No gray areas.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Let her go. *And then... run away in the other direction very, very quickly!*


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

summersoul said:


> So I must add a few things. I have to confess that in the beginning of the relationship (like the first 6 months) I also wasn´t commited and didn´t feel really in love. I flirted and met other girls but it never came to cheating. But I guess I would have cheated if I met the right one.
> 
> And another thing. Even if I was very commited to the relationship from then, in the last few months when times got rocky I also did mistakes. After we argued and I didn´t feel respected, I flirted a few times with other women at the club but I stopped before it would go further. It was like out of anger. I danced with them and flirted. Everytime I was really drunk at this time. I don´t know if something would have happen if I would have met a girl I really liked. But I really don´t think so, I think my heart wouldn´t let me do this. I can´t imagine starting an affair while being with her. I also told her about it the next day because I respected her. The last time was a few days before she went on vacation and of course that hurt her really much.
> 
> But after telling you this, I know that I also did stupid things and I feel guilty. I am still feeling that I played a big part in the situation.


Well now! This changes everything!

You two are meant for each other. I'm sure you both will learn and experience so much together. Good luck. 

Carrying a cat by the tail will teach you things you just can't learn any other way.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

You are DATING a girl who was cheating on someone else when she met you, and has since cheated on you. What else do you need to know?

Believe it or not, you just won the lottery. You found out about this before marriage and / or children. Many are not that lucky.

Your well placed mistrust of this chick will never leave you. If you want to spend the rest of your life being suspicious, worried, being treated like crap, wondering "who is she with now", wondering if your kids are really yours, and then give her half your crap and get stuck with alimony and child support for kids that may not even be yours when it's finally over, etc., then by all means, stay with her. That IS where this is going if you continue...


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I guess what amazes me, Summersoul, is that after reading your description of her behavior you're still even THINKING about any kind of future with this girl. Bail, buddy, bail. There really are a lot of great ladies out there just looking for a nice, steady, faithful guy. Get out there and find one.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

thummper said:


> I guess what amazes me, Summersoul, is that after reading your description of her behavior you're still even THINKING about any kind of future with this girl. Bail, buddy, bail. There really are a lot of great ladies out there just looking for a nice, steady, faithful guy. Get out there and find one.


Keep in mind that his definition of "faithful" was pretty loose... I don't think either of them was all that into the relationship. Or else they were just immature. Or both. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

summersoul said:


> So I must add a few things. I have to confess that in the beginning of the relationship (like the first 6 months) I also wasn´t commited and didn´t feel really in love. I flirted and met other girls but it never came to cheating. But I guess I would have cheated if I met the right one.
> 
> And another thing. Even if I was very commited to the relationship from then, in the last few months when times got rocky I also did mistakes. After we argued and I didn´t feel respected, I flirted a few times with other women at the club but I stopped before it would go further. It was like out of anger. I danced with them and flirted. Everytime I was really drunk at this time. I don´t know if something would have happen if I would have met a girl I really liked. But I really don´t think so, I think my heart wouldn´t let me do this. I can´t imagine starting an affair while being with her. I also told her about it the next day because I respected her. The last time was a few days before she went on vacation and of course that hurt her really much.
> 
> But after telling you this, I know that I also did stupid things and I feel guilty. I am still feeling that I played a big part in the situation.



Changes Nothing. Find a new girlfriend.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You shouldn't feel guilty, you should feel lucky.

She is not loyal, any more years you waste with her you'll regret. She just isn't marriage material. Change takes 7 years, and few good relationships last longer than that.

Let her down easy, envoy your time as a single man and eventually find one that is truly looking for the same thing you are.


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