# She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me ...



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

My wife and I are still doing good - better than I could ever have expected for still being relatively not very far into this. 

When her affair(s) came to light she first said things like "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you", and "I love him so much more than I ever loved you ..." We have always been verbal about expressing love, and so even when the affair was going on she would say "I love you" - I guess as a cover up. Well, once everything was out in the open she stopped saying "I love you." I never heard it from her. And that hurt. 

After our breakthroughs at our counselling retreat the last week of March she began saying "I love you" again. But I have always felt that if I could translate from spoken words to true meaning that what she was saying was more "True love begins with a choice, and I CHOOSE to love you, but I feel no real emotional love for you right now." 

Now don't get me wrong ... actions DO precede emotions and so I was overjoyed for that step, and for the growth in her and in our relatoinship of taking steps towards true healing. 

But what's so great is now the last couple of weeks there has been a change. She tells me now, "I love you so much. You know, I mean I REALLY love you. These last couple of weeks I just LOVE you." And just as it should I feel that the emotion is finally following the actions (as it should and does in life). It's great to have my wife back. 

Things aren't "perfect". Trust is still being rebuilt. There is one nagging question I still have about some things that happened, but I feel like we have put the affairs to bed and that they should stay in the past, so I've not brought it up. The other day though it kept nagging at my mind. But I don't question her love or commitment, and things are going so great I just don't want to bring back up the past. I feel like if the guilt and shame of what she did is her burden to bear into the future, maybe an unanswered question or two is my burden to bear, and it's a small price to have my incredible wife and family back finally.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Glad to hear that things are going so well for you two!! I think she may have realized what she was about to lose and finally realized that she does in fact truly love you. That is awesome. 

About the unanswered questions: I did ask my H about stuff as recently as this weekend because I shouldn't have to live with questions. But as long as the conversation is simply for the answer, not to throw it in his face, he is perfectly okay with answering. We set the right atmosphere and can be open. I do realize that the answer might hurt and sting for a minute, but I prefer that to a lifetime of not knowing. But I do honestly think that is a personal choice for everyone to make. Best of luck in your work and I hope things keep going great!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> Things aren't "perfect". Trust is still being rebuilt. There is one nagging question I still have about some things that happened, but I feel like we have put the affairs to bed and that they should stay in the past, so I've not brought it up. The other day though it kept nagging at my mind. But I don't question her love or commitment, and things are going so great I just don't want to bring back up the past. I feel like if the guilt and shame of what she did is her burden to bear into the future, maybe an unanswered question or two is my burden to bear, and it's a small price to have my incredible wife and family back finally.


So if it's appropriate for a rated-G, Disney family audience (giggle) what is the nagging question?


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Well, even after the reveal she continued to (secretly) speak to him on the phone and occaisionally email him for a time. There was one night that she went out to dinner with her sister and a mutual friend (these two women also were complicit in the affair in many ways). She was late getting home, and when I talked to her on the phone she said that her and her sister had drunk too much and were letting it wear off before coming home. I think she was with him, or that they were all together and I want to know what actually happened that night.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

HopeinHouston~

Have you noticed how I suggest to couples who are recovering after an affair to reach an agreement: the loyal spouse can ask ONE or TWO questions a day and the disloyal will answer those as fully and openly as possible ("I don't remember" does not qualify)? The reason behind that agreement is that the disloyal needs to know it won't turn into the Spanish Inquisition but sometimes the loyal has a question--LIKE THIS ONE-- that is just driving them nuts!

By chance, did you set up that agreement between you and your wife? If not, you may want to do it now...and the idea is for it to be MUTUAL--you propose it, she agrees or counter-proposes until you hit something you two can mutually accept. There may be other questions that pop up... you can ask them. But for this question I think I'd word it so that it's somewhat easy for her to be honest: "Do you remember the night you said you went out to dinner with your sister and (friend) and you were very late getting home? You told me you were drunk and were letting it wear off, but I've always wondered...were you actually with him that night?" This gives her the chance to say just one word (yes or no) and also be honest. To ask "What actually happened that night?" sort of requires a long answer with some details she may feel very embarrassed about now. You could then just let her know you have kinda suspected all along and wanted to know if your spidey sense was accurate or out of whack.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

For closure on the story, we had a talk this evening, and I did ask her about it. It was just the three girls out, and they had even taken a couple of pics on her phone of themselves being silly together. I guess my Spidey-sense was off in this case, and it's good to get some closure on the issue for me. I thought she would be upset by me bringing up stuff again but she was actually great about it. I love my wife! :smthumbup:


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