# What do you do when husband chooses you???



## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Yah, I know...I should be grateful...my husband chose me! Then why am I having such a hard time???? 

I find myself ruining everything by checking his emails and texts trying to see if he really gave this 'women friend' up??? I'm quite obsessed!:scratchhead: If I catch even a small white lie that he tells me to protect me, I freak out??? The crazy thing is, he's had no contact with her...ever since the night we got back together! (trust me I know!!) 
Its been 7 weeks with no contact between them and he had been quite wonderful! Tender lovemaking..the whole thing! He reasures me that he's always just wanted me...and when our marriage was going downhill the last 2 year and he felt I didn't love him, he reached out to a friend. (kills me I don't know who she is!)

Help me please....I don't want to be one of these few women that her husband truly does love her and then my insecurity and doubts, is what wrecks us!!


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Nope, his fooling around is what wrecks you .

You don't even know who the OW is?
Why not?
Have you asked him?

What is he doing to help you re-establish trust in him?

This is a long haul and he's responsible for most of the work if you are to succeed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it's only been 7 weeks and you're afraid that you are being too obsessive?

try 2-5 years being the average time to regain trust in a proper R

now you wont be as paranoid during that whole time period but you need to be patient

a few things-

1) read the newbie link in my signature, you'll learn the definitions and acronyms used here and you can learn about many things that will help you
2) verification thru spying is important to do to help yourself heal. For starters the more you see he's being honest the more you will regain trust and if he isn't being honest then you can implement consequences for his lying. To me, you should snoop until you get bored.
3) equally important is transparency- I hope that your husband has willingly given up all passwords, lets you look at his phone, informs you of his whereabouts, etc
4) most important is that your husband demonstrates remorse and takes 100% of the blame for the affair, see the charts in the newbie link
5) lastly, he needs to tell you anything you wish to know, including who OW is, if he doesnt then he is looking to protect his affair and his affair partner and that is not good in the slightest


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I suggest you read the newbie thread.



beachbabe said:


> Yah, I know...I should be grateful...my husband chose me! Then why am I having such a hard time????


You are feeling resentful because your WH had an affair. Your WH should be the one who's grateful that you're giving him a shot at R.



beachbabe said:


> I find myself ruining everything by checking his emails and texts trying to see if he really gave this 'women friend' up???


You are not ruining everything. You SHOULD be checking his emails and texts. You have the right to do so. You should be monitoring to see if he maintains NC with this OW. It's called protecting your marriage. Read this link:

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering




beachbabe said:


> I'm quite obsessed!:scratchhead:


Of course you are. You're being hypervigilant. This is a NORMAL response to a traumatic event. Just like someone having been in a bad car accident, suddenly being aware of every car on the road being fearful of another car accident. This is normal and will fade with time, IF your WH is being remorseful and fully transparent. 



beachbabe said:


> If I catch even a small white lie that he tells me to protect me, I freak out??? The crazy thing is, he's had no contact with her...ever since the night we got back together! (trust me I know!!)


It's called Trickle Truth. Every lie that gets exposed is like a mini DDay. He must give you full disclosure about what happened, and not continue to hide things. Each time he TTs, it delays your healing and the healing of the marriage.



beachbabe said:


> Its been 7 weeks with no contact between them and he had been quite wonderful! Tender lovemaking..the whole thing!


Hysterical bonding. It's like the marriage partners way of reclaiming each other.



beachbabe said:


> He reasures me that he's always just wanted me...and when our marriage was going downhill the last 2 year and he felt I didn't love him, he reached out to a friend. (kills me I don't know who she is!)


Then he's NOT giving you full disclosure. He's rug sweeping this. He should be able to answer any and all questions about the affair if he truly wants reconciliation.












beachbabe said:


> Help me please....I don't want to be one of these few women that her husband truly does love her and then my insecurity and doubts, is what wrecks us!!


It takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal like this. What you're feeling is completely normal. He needs to do the heavy lifting to help repair the marriage.


----------



## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

To be honest with you...he has denied the whole thing! The OW doesn't exist! But our cell phone carrier says otherwise. He has even tried to get a lawyer to release the text contents to prove to me that someone has hacked his phone! I don't believe him so I'm just assuming she does exsist, and deal with that! I have never been this confused! He even told his mother; who he is very close too, that he feels someone is trying to come between us....I don't know what to believe anymore! I feel like I'm in the movies!


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Beachbabe, I know what you mean. I check my husband's email and texts often. I was looking DAILY for the first few weeks. Not as much now. The difference is, I know his OW. We met her on WoW. But the last couple years, I DID pull away from my husband. It got tot he point that he didn't think I would even care that he was talking to her, He never tried to hide it. I know it will take time to heal, but your trust was betrayed. You do what you need to do. Did he actually write a NC letter to her/ My husband wrote a NC text to his OW, and had me read it, as well as her reply. She flipped out. But the important thing is he doesn't talk to her. But we are still a work in progress as well.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Shaking my head YES at the 2-5 years timeline.

You fear that YOU will wreck this at the core of your issue. What you fail to see is HE is the one who screwed up.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

beachbabe said:


> To be honest with you...he has denied the whole thing! The OW doesn't exist! But our cell phone carrier says otherwise. He has even tried to get a lawyer to release the text contents to prove to me that someone has hacked his phone! I don't believe him so I'm just assuming she does exist, and deal with that! I have never been this confused! He even told his mother; who he is very close too, that he feels someone is trying to come between us....I don't know what to believe anymore! I feel like I'm in the movies!


I don't see where he's chosen you. You are still in False Reconciliation until he comes clean. You can't have remorse if you don't admit what you did. He is a liar and is 'gaslighting' you (making you think you're crazy). This is not a spouse who is being loving--this is a spouse who is manipulative and plans to continue this behavior in a more secretive way. He's probably at it as we speak.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

beachbabe said:


> To be honest with you...he has denied the whole thing! The OW doesn't exist! But our cell phone carrier says otherwise. He has even tried to get a lawyer to release the text contents to prove to me that someone has hacked his phone! I don't believe him so I'm just assuming she does exsist, and deal with that! I have never been this confused! He even told his mother; who he is very close too, that he feels someone is trying to come between us....I don't know what to believe anymore! I feel like I'm in the movies!


He's gaslighting you and denying the affair. He's NOT ready for R. It's time for you to lawyer up and do the 180. Let us know if you need the link to it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

beachbabe said:


> To be honest with you...he has denied the whole thing! The OW doesn't exist! But our cell phone carrier says otherwise. He has even tried to get a lawyer to release the text contents to prove to me that someone has hacked his phone! I don't believe him so I'm just assuming she does exsist, and deal with that! I have never been this confused! He even told his mother; who he is very close too, that he feels someone is trying to come between us....I don't know what to believe anymore! I feel like I'm in the movies!


sounds like gaslighting

and it sounds like you aren't in a proper R

get the number from the phone bill and find who she is and investigate, try spokeo.com or cidlookup.com

also, what kind of phone does he have? you can retreive deleted texts sometimes


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He even told his mother; who he is very close too, that he feels someone is trying to come between us....I don't know what to believe anymore!


Gaslighting even to his mother


----------



## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Thanks for the info! Yes I did have the number investigated...4 times, all to no avail! The number was unlisted and disconnected (how convenient) The cellphone carrier told me that he sent 57 messages to her the 5 days that we were separated. I can be relentless...it would be easier to tell the truth than deal with me, but he still is telling me that his cell was hacked!! We both looked into it, and apparently it can be done....but I've always doubted that! 
If he was really hacked, wouldn't he try to prove it no matter what the cost??? We live in a small town and I fear I'm rubbing shoulders with 'this invisible woman'...all my tears and anger had no budged him...he denies it was him! I don't know who I am anymore...just tell the truth or prove it otherwise!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a few more things

A PI may be able to get you the info based on the phone, call around for rates

what kind of phone is it, as I stated earlier you could possibly get his texts and read them and you could find who she is in there and what he said

lastly- you could also do this:

"Husband, I am tired of these lies and the way you are evading my questions. As it stands right now I am going to an attorney to file for divorce unless you tell me everything right now and if anything down the line turns out to be untrue or omitted I will file. It is true that the truth may still not prevent me from divorcing, but as it stands right now, without it is a certainty rather than a possibility."


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Gaslighting even to his mother


They don't have a problem with that, not at all. When DDay happened in our house her mother was living with us for the summer, and my fWW gaslighted her. Even did the "God is my witness!" thing in front of me and her mother.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Even did the "God is my witness!" thing in front of me and her mother.


:rofl: the higher the stack of bibles, the less I believe anyone now!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

beachbabe said:


> Thanks for the info! Yes I did have the number investigated...4 times, all to no avail! The number was unlisted and disconnected (how convenient) The cellphone carrier told me that he sent 57 messages to her the 5 days that we were separated. I can be relentless...it would be easier to tell the truth than deal with me, but he still is telling me that his cell was hacked!! We both looked into it, and apparently it can be done....but I've always doubted that!


So...did he contact the cell phone company and demand an investigation or compensation for this hacking? That would be a NO. He is a LIAR. Some WSs deserve an Oscar for their lying, but his lying is more the Kindergarten play variety. What a selfish pig.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> So...did he contact the cell phone company and demand an investigation or compensation for this hacking? That would be a NO. He is a LIAR. Some WSs deserve an Oscar for their lying, but his lying is more the Kindergarten play variety. What a selfish pig.


:iagree:

Usually only law enforcement, thru a court subpoena, can access cell phone records - and then only for the purposes of a criminal investigation. 

He's a liar.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He cheated on YOU and you are glad HE chose YOU?!?! Um, that's just a tad backwards. He should be thanking you every minute of every day that you deigned to give him a chance at reconciling.

Which by the way it sounds like he isn't ready for at ALL. He is still lying and swearing up and down he didn't do anything. How do you know he doesn't have another secret phone he's using now?

There must be more to this story - why were you checking his cell in the first place?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> They don't have a problem with that, not at all. When DDay happened in our house her mother was living with us for the summer, and my fWW gaslighted her. Even did the "God is my witness!" thing in front of me and her mother.


Wow you were helping to take care of her mother and she lied to both of you. 

Sorry you had to deal with that.


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

He has to have enough respect for you to tell you who the OW is. You can never get your marriage back until he admits it all. Great advice from everyone before me. It's normal to be confused, hurt, angry, and not want to be nice to him. It takes time. If he decides to 'get honest' with you, then you will have a real chance to have a marriage that might be better then it was before!! Good luck!

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


----------

