# How an emotional affair saved our marriage.



## Mark (Apr 7, 2008)

This is kind of an update from a post back around March. I'm writing this for encouragement for those
Who are in the situation we were in then.

It's been about 6 months, and we have never been deeper in love. All aspects of our relationship are
fantastic. It was the wake up call that we both needed. We had gotten to the point were we took each
other for granted and neither of us went out of way to make the other happy. 

Now, that's all either of us want to do, live for each other and do what ever we can to make one and other feel
special.

I actually told my wife the other day if or when she ever sees HIM again, tell him I said thanks.

I will never let myself fall back into that rut again because she is way to special ( also absolutely beautiful inside and out )

Good luck to those in that situation, there is hope.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Thanks for the update Mark! Good to hear you guys are doing better.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Not the greatest way to get a wake-up call but being in the same spot as you I totally agree...although I must admit, won't be thanking 'her' anytime soon, I will leave it at forgiveness. I hope this brings hope to those currently in the same situation.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great Mark, thanks for the good news. As a husband in a similar situation, thank you for the inspiration. As I've said some times you've got to hit bottom before you can start to climb. Good luck


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

I'm where you were at 6 months ago. I hope I end up the same way as you. Here's hoping. It's a 50-50 chance anyway


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

Mark said:


> This is kind of an update from a post back around March. I'm writing this for encouragement for those
> Who are in the situation we were in then.
> 
> It's been about 6 months, and we have never been deeper in love. All aspects of our relationship are
> ...


i am in your position & would love to know how you got where you are now! it has been 2 months & i just don't know what to do with my feelings! can you give me some guidance or link me to any past posts? thanks so much! i am at my wits end!


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## Mark (Apr 7, 2008)

I think the few things that helped us rebound so quickly, 

Her attitude, she was very remorseful and willing to do what ever it took to make things right.

We identified the areas of our relationship that needed fixed and started working hard on them.
More time talking, date nights, dinners together after the kids go to bed, just kind of becoming
each others best friends again.

BUT, we were not going anywhere fast because of the trust issue, it was eating me up. I was checking her phone,
PC history, what ever I could. Once you get going you feed on it.

It wasn't until one day that I just said no more… We had a talk, and I said we have been together for over 28 years
( married over 26) and I just need to give you the benefit of the doubt. I told her I wasn't going to snoop anymore
she has my trust, don't loose it again.

Since then it has been all up hill, I truly believe she will never do anything like that to hurt me again.


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## Cynthia43 (Sep 9, 2008)

I wanted to "chime in".....in hopes that our situation could possibly help anyone else here struggling with the same. I'm the other half of Mark....and couldn't imagine being anyone different. In any marriage there comes a time that you go through the motions of the day. That's where we were and where we often find ourselves.... I've always flirted....innocently.... Had many opportunities to cheat...never have. I have an outgoing personality...Mark doesn't. Someone walked into my life who fed me with the words that Mark didn't. Prioritized me in their day with communication. Because of our differences and daily life I was lonely for a long time.....verbalizing this to Mark....with no change. I wanted conversation....a friend....someone to share and talk with....he didn't provide this and for a short period of time someone else did. I became emotionally attached....and yes, so easily could have evolved into a sexual relationship....sad. Thank God that I too recognized this. I believe that we have to come to terms in reference to the excitement that we all want so badly in our marriage or relationships. An older marriage like ours (married in 1982) complicated with 5 children just can't be the same type of excitement that would come from the first months of a new relationship. The security and familiarity (sp?) of an established relationship just can't compare to a few butterflies of a new one. Does that make sense? I couldn't imagine my life without Mark...so we communicate more now....he spends time listening to "me" and my words even when he doesn't want to. He stays up at night and spends less time watching TV.....I make more time for intimacy....and actually desire sex more now that he too has changed. This all sounds so petty when you put it into words....but in the walk of daily life we all are starved for excitement...something to look forward to. 

When I first told Mark of the connection with Michael he was very angry...all coming out of the hurt. He could have continued with the anger as the lack of trust and the pain of the situation was overwhelming for him. I connected with another man.... His decision to accept what had happened and "make change" provided us a new direction. I had caused irreversable damage.....and nothing I could say or do would change that. 

I'll never permit something like that to happen in my world again....so much that happens to us here on Earth isn't controllable by ourselves.....this is.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cynthia-
Wonderful stuff! Old marriages can be as exciting as we want to make them. Mine is! I see a lot of posters on here saying they hate how their marriage has become, but they are not always willing to grab the bull by the horns and shake it!



Cynthia said:


> so much that happens to us here on Earth isn't controllable by ourselves.....this is.


So true.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

Thanks for such great advice! I really appreciate your replies! Thank you Mark. It's probably what i need to hear because I am still in that obsessive stage of wanting to know everything & check everything. Maybe just deciding to let it all go is what i need to do (Lord give me strength!). I guess my only reason for hanging on is that I want to see change or an indication that things are being worked on. To tell you the truth, this has been the shock of my life! We've been married 12 years with 4 children. We are not perfect but it has always been a given that it was the two of us, no matter what. I guess I am learning what the no matter what means! How did you do it mark? Did you quit talking about it or just make the changes (date nights, etc)? Sorry for rambling, I just can't seem to get it together these days!

PS-thanks to cynthia43 for your honesty. it hurts to hear some of that but i do really want to use this as a stepping stone to a better marriage. I just don't know if my husband is doing what needs to be done in order to move forward. would either of you mind if i pm you sometime? thanks so much! i'm desperate & i think your experience is super helpful!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Thank you both, what a wonderful gift and inspiration to many on this forum. Best of luck to you both and to the others here still trying to recover. Bless.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> In saying all that, however, what you're experiencing is somewhat similar to a death. You allow yourself a period of personal grief and then you pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. Just don't feel bad about having those feelings of insecurity. It's natural and will dissipate somewhat with time.


thank you, thank you! this is exactly how i am feeling. it's nice to have someone else's perspective & know that i'm not totally losing it! i guess i'm just used to apologizing for everything (bad habit!). it's not really that i feel bad for having those feelings, i just would like them to go away. well, all in all, i feel better after reading mark & cynthia43's posts! thanks for all of the hope. you are leading by example & are an inspiration to me!


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## NeverSure (May 21, 2009)

I know this is an old thread but I'm new here and was doing some searching about EAs. I just wanted to say, in case Mark or Cynthia are still reading these boards, that this particular thread has given me hope and has actually made me smile for the first time in a couple of weeks. Today is the first day of my prolonged sick leave from work due to all the stress my hubby's EA has caused. I have been feeling so hopeless. However, our situation sounds so much like Mark and Cynthia's. I believe we might be able to get through this afterall. THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your story!


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Talk about turning a negative into a positive. Wonderful news. You just put a BIG smile on my face. I LOVE a happy ending. I think the important piece of the puzzle is your wife took responsibility for the mistake she made. Unfortunately not everyone does. My ex also sadly had an emotional affair but has not admitted fault, error in judgement or owned up to his part in the breakdown of our marriage. Not sure I want a second chance anyway if he had a change of heart.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

NeverSure said:


> I know this is an old thread but I'm new here and was doing some searching about EAs. I just wanted to say, in case Mark or Cynthia are still reading these boards, that this particular thread has given me hope and has actually made me smile for the first time in a couple of weeks. Today is the first day of my prolonged sick leave from work due to all the stress my hubby's EA has caused. I have been feeling so hopeless. However, our situation sounds so much like Mark and Cynthia's. I believe we might be able to get through this afterall. THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your story!


I also enjoyed reading this story, especially the part where Cynthia chimed in.

Unfortunately, my happy ending hasn't arrived yet either, but at least I feel less stressed now.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

my wife had the EA back in march.

the question that I have is how to you "just let go" and move forward ?? 

i seem to be the one that wants to "snoop" and things and it's a daily struggle for me to refrain from the snooping.. it has gotten better over time, but i still feel uneasy.. how can I overcome that hump ?

thanks


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

It is great to hear from you both, especially since I am looking at dawn on our 30th anniversary and wondering if I can keep going. I have had mental "affairs" and an emotional connection with someone else for a long time to keep from being drowned in resentment and anger from being lied to and controlled. 

The "fun" of flirting and talking with someone else where I could feel more alive and myself has been difficult to give up. Especially since it really does not involve the tangled conversations of blame or negotiations that are part of my marriage. Why is it so hard to find that fun with a spouse? Too much duty and baggage. Even we do the counseling it doesn't seem to change. I am glad to know for some it can. What did you do to "get over" the emotional affair?


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