# Please help me...how do I stop thinking of this OM?



## TiaLA (May 27, 2011)

I am new to the forums and just read over some of the posts. I think I might be having an EA and I don't know how to stop myself. I don't know this OM that well, but we have exchanged phone numbers. We met in public once...I was late 1 1/2 hours, but he waited and when I showed up, he fawned over me and told me over and over again I was worth the wait. We talked about other things, but the majority of the conversation was of how much he was attracted to me. When we left the restaurant, he walked me to my car and hugged me. I hate these feelings I'm having...I can't stop thinking of him, but really I don't know him that well. I know that I don't know him that well, yet I'm so distracted every day thinking of him. And while he has not tried to push a sexual relationship with me, he has made it clear he has thought of it. 

How do you stop feeling this way? Some days he might text me at least once a day, and not all of those would hint at something sexual. I hate that I feel sad when we are not in contact. I feel powerless because of how I'm feeling and angry with myself that I can't shake these thoughts of him.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your in a dangerous place. YOu are VERY close to losing your dreams, your family, everything.

I know right now you are thinking that your partner is a no good, boring and useless barrier to your true happiness. 

He isn't. You are thinking with your erm.. never mind

OK. Stop contact. Just text that you want to stop. This will be hard and feel wrong. It isn't.

Is he married or in a relationship?
Does he have children?
Do you have children?

You are going to suffer some pain but nothing like you will suffer if you continue down this track. You will also have to suffer that pain without your partners help. 

You already know most of this and you have done the right thing posting here. Continue with those thoughts. They are right. 

If you listen to people here you can possibly save your marriage.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The answer is cut off all contact with him, he is fishing, he baited his line cast it out , you took the lure and are nibbling. Soon he will reel you in and your life will be one of continuous deceit and lies. If you are married, have a boyfriend tell him , tell the OM To back off permanently , if he contacts you again you charge him with harrasment. If he is married tell his wife if single kick him to the curb, in both cases he is using you and showing serious disrespect.

This is what I think you will do , follow the pattern of many OW, you ignore the advice, say you do not want to hurt him, pine for him and ultimately engage in a full on affair , think you will be one of those who will get away with it, fall in love with him - this is the endorphins kicking in. Ultimately destroy your marriage or his and then try hide the truth. Be prepared for a rollercoaster of a ride , other OW's will support you but few will tell you how it takes away their very souls as they have to live the lie and pride , arrogance or plain deniability kick in.

Non of the above is to insult you, they are the realities , stop all contact now, get out while you can. If you are married focus on your marriage, if you are single and unattached there are many single men out there who have respect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

One sure way is to tell your husband or boyfriend and it will give you a reality check.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You seem to be in a rather unique situation. Just read these threads. See just how bad it is when a spouse finds out that they are being cheated on. Your spouce if you have one and his spouse. Same thing with kids if there are any on both sides.

Remember....everyone in your life and in his life will be hurt by this. and for what? Just some selfish pleasure.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

There are people who cheated that want nothing more but to take it back. You would feel the same way. Do yourself a favor and stop it now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You ARE having an EA. You haven't mentioned if you are married or in a committed relationship or not, but since you think you are having an EA, I would guess that you are. If so, then you had better go NC. You should NOT have given another man, whom you barely know, your phone number. Not only that, you met him and now he knows what you look like, and what you drive. Of course he's telling you want you want to hear, that you're so attractive and all that. He's stroking your ego because he wants to bang you and it has probably crossed your mind that you want to bang him since you went to go meet him. 

Go NC, and change your number, that way you can keep him from texting you.


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

Eli-Zor is spot on with this one. *DON'T do it*. RUN as fast as you can from this man. I'm a former OW and I can tell you that the few minutes of ecstasy from an affair is *NOT WORTH the lifetime of agony you will have* if you dip your toes in infidelity.

I'm a former OW that would NOT support you---I would like nothing more than to scream, shout, beg and plead with anyone even thinking about having an affair and tell them how it really does destroy your soul and your life will be turned upside-down. You will mentally struggle and your heart will break and bleed in a million pieces. 

This guy is a classic manipulative user. And, all it takes is one kind word, one tiny smile, one text, one call, one more meeting and your life will NEVER be the same. If you respect yourself cut off all contact.

No "friend" would be feeding you lines, no "friend" would be having secret meetings with you. If you're married--RUN...if he's married RUN.

NO CONTACT will help you with those crazy thoughts of him. You are NOT powerless....yet. You can stop communication with him, block his number, make it a purposeful thing to NOT communicate with him if you want to have power.

Don't sink so low...affairs destroy more than the 2 selfish people that decide to have them. Fill your needs elsewhere...not in this 'man'.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said you "don't know how to stop this." But that is not true. You do know how to stop this. Through actions. If you want something enough, you will do it. Therefore, if you truly wanted to end contact with him, you would. It's not rocket science.

The only way to stop this dead in its tracks is to STOP all contact with him. Tell him you don't want to pursue this cause you're in a relationship (or he is too) and delete his # from your phone. 



ShootMePlz! said:


> One sure way is to tell your husband or boyfriend and it will give you a reality check.


Yep. Tell your husband/partner.



it-guy said:


> You seem to be in a rather unique situation.


No she's not. It's actually very stereotypical. It fits the classic cheating pattern.



lordmayhem said:


> You ARE having an EA.


Yes, Tia. You are. 



Tzu68 said:


> Eli-Zor is spot on with this one. *DON'T do it*. RUN as fast as you can from this man. I'm a former OW and I can tell you that the few minutes of ecstasy from an affair is *NOT WORTH the lifetime of agony you will have* if you dip your toes in infidelity.
> 
> it really does destroy your soul and your life will be turned upside-down. You will mentally struggle and your heart will break and bleed in a million pieces.
> 
> ...


SPOT ON ADVICE!!!!!!!!!! :iagree:


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## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

ShootMePlz! said:


> One sure way is to tell your husband or boyfriend and it will give you a reality check.


True.
It shows that you're having an EA because you're scared and ashamed of your actions. You know it will hurt to tell.
You know you've done wrong.

But you're intoxicated by the attention and the flattery. You want more of it, and therein lies your problem.

You know what to do but you don't want to do it.

Just do the right thing.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

How I'd stop is to remind myself I was being played. He doesn't really care he just wants sex. Is that really what you want?


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## TiaLA (May 27, 2011)

I am in a long-term relationship, but he is single. I know that this person probably couldn't care less about me, but I always seem to disregard this in my mind when my thoughts go to him. I think you are all right that I need to do something...anything to get my thoughts off this person.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> How I'd stop is to remind myself I was being played. He doesn't really care he just wants sex. Is that really what you want?


:iagree:



TiaLA said:


> I am in a long-term relationship, but he is single. *I know that this person probably couldn't care less about me*, but I always seem to disregard this in my mind when my thoughts go to him. I think you are all right that I need to do something...anything to get my thoughts off this person.


You could start by focusing on the bolded part. 

Stop disregarding the truth in order to satiate what you WANT to believe. Two totally different things.

You said he couldn't care less about you. It's also painfully clear he couldn't care less about your relationship with your partner.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Cut this guy out just do it do it do it!!!! You will get over it, mine was pretty easy. But every person is different, cut them out, you will thank yourself later.


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## TiaLA (May 27, 2011)

I am beginning to feel a bit better and stronger after all of your support. Just today this OM texted me as we were supposed to meet up with some mutual friends. When the function was cancelled I asked if WE were still going to meet up anyway. I mean I figured he would want to see me, but he sent me a text & said we would see each another time. I'm so hurt and confused right now. I mean after the way he looked at me and acted when we met up the last time, and the fact he's stayed in contact with me this week and planned this outing, only to turn down the opportunity to be with me. I feel crushed.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Change your phone number, delete this guy, don't put yourself through it!!!! It is clear as day he is using you. You need to work on YOU, get rid of the baggage.


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

Affairs are dead end roads....roads that lead to literally nowhere and they screw your mind up more than I could ever tell you. You're pining away for someone while you're in a relationship. You're the only one who can stop it. Even after reaching out for help, most people fall into the lies and temptation of an affair anyway because the 'love coctail' in your brain is really strong right now--and addicting.
It always starts off small and it will only get worse...guaranteed. I really hope you will heed some of this advice--we are real people that are trying to help you. I know all too well the racing thoughts and wondering....get out--sooner rather than later!!! Save yourself the misery!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Tzu68 said:


> Affairs are dead end roads....roads that lead to literally nowhere and they screw your mind up more than I could ever tell you. You're pining away for someone while you're in a relationship. You're the only one who can stop it. Even after reaching out for help, most people fall into the lies and temptation of an affair anyway because the 'love coctail' in your brain is really strong right now--and addicting.
> It always starts off small and it will only get worse...guaranteed. I really hope you will heed some of this advice--we are real people that are trying to help you. I know all too well the racing thoughts and wondering....get out--sooner rather than later!!! Save yourself the misery!!



AMEN I wish I'd had that advice when I was at the beginning of my EA. The emotional toll is something I think you have to experience to fully appreciate. It's not worth it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Check it out, Tia: the last 4 posters on this thread have all been involved in either an EA or PA or both (myself included). We have all been in your position before so we know what you are talking about. Right now you are in the "high" phase. 

Be glad he doesn't want to meet up. This is the perfect opportunity for you to tell him you think you shouldn't hang out anymore and delete his # from your phone altogether. Block it.

Be done with him. If you let this continue, this is only going to snowball into an avalanche and once the avalance hits, it will have devastating consequences.

None of which are worth it.


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## TiaLA (May 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Check it out, Tia: the last 4 posters on this thread have all been involved in either an EA or PA or both (myself included). We have all been in your position before so we know what you are talking about. Right now you are in the "high" phase.
> 
> Be glad he doesn't want to meet up. This is the perfect opportunity for you to tell him you think you shouldn't hang out anymore and delete his # from your phone altogether. Block it.
> 
> ...


Yes, you are all right. It's like he is getting his kicks since everything is on his terms & he can play w/my feelings and decide whether we will or won't meet up. I am definitely trying to focus on the fact that I KNOW he does not care about me, but it still hurts and I can't help feeling sad about it all. I'm sure you all understand since you've been there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So take some of the power back and end it on YOUR terms.


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## TiaLA (May 27, 2011)

Last night was a bit better for me. Spent some time with my S/O and tried not to think of this OM. It is still very hard, and I do hate myself for not being able to just get rid of these thoughts completely.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Let me ask you something---what is wrong with your SO---is he some kind of POS, or something------Do you have any idea what you would do to him, or don't you care---I guess this piece of meaningless sex, you want is much more important than your future, your SO's mental state, and the future of your relationship

Tell me what do you REALLY know of your scumbag lover, who wants into your pants---has he been in jail, is he a psycho, is he a womanizer, does he carry STD's--Is he eventually gonna come after your money--WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM

All you really know is he wants to control you, he wants to have sex with you, and probably he will end up trying to part you and some of your money---once you are so into him, you can't get out, that along with trashing your S O---I wish you luck with your womanizing scumbag buddy


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