# Should I just make a manual?



## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

I am looking for suggestions to tell my husband my needs are not being met and get some feedback on what can I do to help him be happier, as I know he is not happy either and I still love him, however I am not one of those that stay in a relationship no matter what, he knows this but I get the feeling he is ok with it so he bandaids our marriage right before it falls apart, and then it's just rinse and repeat.

Would it be unrespectful to write him a manual of sorts? And hopefully he would do one for me? A while back I was so happy he started to show interest and asking important questions to work on us, I eagerly responded everything he asked, just to get nothing in return for things I could do for him, I was baffled but didn't push it.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Amorous said:


> I am looking for suggestions to tell my husband my needs are not being met and get some feedback on what can I do to help him be happier, as I know he is not happy either and I still love him, however I am not one of those that stay in a relationship no matter what, he knows this but I get the feeling he is ok with it so he bandaids our marriage right before it falls apart, and then it's just rinse and repeat.
> 
> Would it be unrespectful to write him a manual of sorts? And hopefully he would do one for me? A while back I was so happy he started to show interest and asking important questions to work on us, I eagerly responded everything he asked, just to get nothing in return for things I could do for him, I was baffled but didn't push it.


I don't know how he would take it, but it sounds like a good idea to me. I'll bet a lot of men wish their wives would be willing to make such an effort!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

To write him a letter explaining exactly what you want is a great exercise. 

Its even more helpful to have each of you write one. That would at the very least be the start of a construction discussion. Even though you tried it before -try it again....if he doesn't seem into it...then YES...push it


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

The Marriage Builders site has a great set of emotional needs questionaires, one for each of you to fill out to help the other one understand what your top needs are and how to fulfill them.

It takes a little reading to get their terms first but....here's the link to that page on their site:

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

When it is filled out, it is sort of like a manual.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In line with what FW posted, Marriage Builders also has some good books for this: "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

I am visiting my mother at the moment and did request no communication unless it was email, explaining that I missed those lovely long letters of his (we met online) but that went to hell when our baby got sick, so been calling him with updates, there was like 10 days of not hearing from him before that though.

I was thinking more of the lines of "here are a few ways to get a bj without asking" or "a list of things I am always up to and would be love to do one every week or so" kind of thing.

Before we married he suggested the book "why men don't listen and women can't read maps" which was a fun and to the point read about differences between men and woman with some interesting scientific facts, can't give him the science but perhaps writing some facts help?

We are so disconnected, last time we had sex was so cold and mechanical, just trying to avoid that situation again and well, I miss him.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

Thank you so much for the marriage builders questionnaire and book suggestion, will check it out!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your letter idea sounds good. But it sounds like there is a deeper disconnect going on. The book "5 Love Languages" is a quick easy read which may help both of you. Also it can provide a launch pad to talk about things. The books others mentioned are also very good.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It depends on what you're not getting and why you're not getting it (i.e. the rest of the relationship).


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Amorous said:


> the book "why men don't listen and women can't read maps"


Hold on, Women can't read maps?
Well we know Men won't read maps.
So why are there maps?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

It's ok to write up what you need from him but don't call it a manual if you want him to read it.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> Hold on, Women can't read maps?
> Well we know Men won't read maps.
> So why are there maps?


who needs anything other than a topographical map when you have a tritium lensatic compass?


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

I would love it if my wife made me a manual.... she wants me to just "know" what she wants and needs....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Constable Odo said:


> who needs anything other than a topographical map when you have a tritium lensatic compass?


Pish! All you need is your cell phone and a maps app...

As an airline captain (and formerly an instructor at our airline), I see the younger pilots coming in who don't understand navigation. Many of them learned in glass ****pit single engine airplanes with moving map GPS nav systems. Great stuff, but then they never learn the fundamental principles of navigation. The old whiskey compass is still our primary navigation instrument, yet I wonder how many of these younger pilots could navigate via compass and paper chart if the airplane went totally dark. Good thing there is no scenario which could lead to a dark airplane that would also allow for continued flight.

I bet few backpackers these days carry a topo and compass into the wilderness.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you wrote a manual, would he read it? And how's his reading comprehension and retention?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Married but Happy said:


> If you wrote a manual, would he read it?


:iagree:

The idea is great and better presented as you ask him to give you a guide on how to please him. Then ideally follow with the how he can please you version. But, as mentioned above, I'm concerned that whatever you do there won't get any traction. You said, you still love him and that you miss him. Can he say the same and mean it?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Amorous said:


> Before we married he suggested the book "why men don't listen and women can't read maps" which was a fun and to the point read about differences between men and woman with some interesting scientific facts, can't give him the science but perhaps writing some facts help?


So now women get the last laugh. 

You don't need to read a map when you have the Google voice telling you where to go but if you won't listen you're scruwed as you can barely find a map to read these days.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> If you wrote a manual, would he read it? And how's his reading comprehension and retention?


I am picturing instructions like you get from IKEA. Lots of big stick figure and line drawings.


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