# Hi I'm new here and don't know how to deal with a terrible SIL



## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

Hello everyone! I will try to keep this post as short as I can without leaving anything important out. I will start from the beginning.

Met my husband in high school. We were friend for four years then started dating. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. I was the total opposite.. never touched any of that stuff. After a year of hell with him lying to me and all of that... I was finally able to get him off of the drugs (7 years sober currently). He has two sisters. One that is 8 years younger than us.. she's polite and we have no problems. Then there's the other one who is 2 years younger than my husband and I.

I guess I should've realized straight from the beginning that she was out to get me but I was stupid and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. First issue was when my husband and I were dating for under a year. His sister told him one of her friends claimed they saw me cheating on him. What? This supposed "friend" I had never met or even seen in my life. Looking back.. his sister probably made it up. I was nice to her.. drove her home from school every day for 2 years. Just because I am nice. I didn't expect anything in return.

After that, we got along very well for about 3 whole years. She was like a best friend to me. Interestingly enough, she chose the same career as I did(makeup artist). I was excited and thought maybe we could work together one day. During her schooling she would ask for my opinion on the makeup she did. She would say "Please be 100% honest, I need criticism to get better." She did a good job mostly and all I said was the eyeliner could've been a touch closer to the lash and I gave her probably 15 compliments. Well, she yelled at me.. told me I was stupid and that she doesn't give a crap if I've been in the industry longer than her.. SHE knows better. I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say. I again, gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought.. okay maybe she was just in a bad mood. After that incident she went back to acting ok to me. Due to my mental and physical illnesses I was no longer able to work again. I've never once complained or even discussed this in detail with anyone as it's a personal matter and nobody wants to hear it anyway. 

Go forward a year.. she bought a brand new car(Honda). I went outside.. looked at it.. told her it was great and that I was happy for her. A few months later my car (20 year old car) needed a new transmission and was not worth fixing. My parents bought me a brand new car. My SIL noticed right away (I didn't say a word about it or write about it online) and she started making fun of me. REALLY REALLY immature comments. She said things like "Only an idiot would choose that hideous car." "I wouldn't be caught dead even riding in the passenger seat of that." It's a Toyota Camry Hybrid.. very common car. The day after she saw my car, she unfriended me on Facebook. I asked her why she unfriended me and she says "EW why did you even notice?" BTW, we talked on Facebook all the time.. how wouldn't I notice? I was also Facebook friends with some of her friends.. all unfriended me within a week. I wonder what she said to them about me?? From that point on.. every time I saw her.. all she did was berate me. Her friend said my hair looked pretty.. my SIL says.. "You don't have to lie to her.. we all know it's ugly." These sort of things happened constantly. I never said a word or made any facial expression.. I just walked away and ignored her. Not sure if I should have yelled at her or something? It's just not my style to behave that way. I'm very polite.

My husband began to notice how rude she was to me and he would curse or yell at her.. tell her to shut up.. all of that but all she did was laugh at him. I asked him what I should do and he said "She's not a very smart person. Ignore her." So I have been.. for 3 whole years now.

A new thing I notice is her getting very jealous when her Mom talks to me. My MIL and I have tons in common. But SIL and MIL don't have much in common at all. It would appear as if her Mom favors me.. and I DO feel bad about that. I've tried to always include SIL in the conversation so she won't feel left out. 

My SIL was never close to my husband or her parents. I'm just in shock that I've ignored this behavior for years and she STILL hasn't taken the hint to leave me alone. It does appear like she's looking for a reaction from me.. and I never give her one.

Another thing I should add (ONLY so you guys can see ALL reasons why she possibly treats me so terrible), my SIL is very over weight.. I am not by any means. She isn't considered to be good looking and I am. NOT trying to be conceited.. I am not that way whatsoever. I behave like a lady and she belches and farts in the middle of restaurants and talks about repulsive things while people are eating. She's never been in a relationship for more than a few weeks.

My husband has told her countless times to shut up if she can't be nice but it's no use.

The last few months have been considerably worse. I've NEVER in my life had someone say such horrible things to me. She referred to my deceased aunt whom she's never met as a "*****". For NO reason. I had to hold myself back from just knocking her teeth in. She also looked at my dog and said " Why isn't he dead yet?" Then laughs hysterically. I said "You're really a rude person." and I walked away from her. My husband called her a "dumb c**t" and just about every other name in the book. She stood there laughing(She's 24 by the way). I should also note.. she NEVER says these things in from of her parents. My other SIL (she's 18) even tells her she's rude.

What she has done recently has crossed the line. She's been trying to get my husband to relapse and drink again. WHY? Does she want her brother to come close to death again like he did years ago? She's went as far as shoving a glass of wine in his face saying "Just take a sip." This was done when I was not present but he tells me everything. She also keeps texting him and asking him to go to bars with her. Bars are a big no no for him.. it would trigger his addiction which she knows. Is she trying to get him to relapse so we divorce? That seems pretty extreme to sacrifice your own brother's life just to get rid of me... a person who's only been kind to her. :/

My husband pretty much tells me to either ignore her or just tell her to go f**k herself which I'm not comfortable saying..

My questions to all of you are: Have I done something wrong here? I did not leave anything out. I am 100% sure I have ALWAYS been kind and courteous to her. Does this sound like jealously or is there something seriously wrong with her? And the biggest question- What do I do? Should I tell her off? Should I keep ignoring her because she's trying to get at me so she can tell everyone how awful I am?

I try to avoid her as much as possible but I can't always make that possible.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

No, you haven't done anything. She does these things because she can....she's getting exactly what she wants: a reaction out of you! 


Both you and your H need to AVOID and IGNORE her as much as possible. I say this for your H sobriety's sake. If/when you do see her and she behaves badly - try to have NO reaction at all. Your negative reactions/responses are feeding her venom. No reaction basically says to her - you could careless; she doesn't exist/matter. 

Don't worry about what other people think - if they know you, your H, and HER they're probably not listening to anything she's saying about you anyway.


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> No, you haven't done anything. She does these things because she can....she's getting exactly what she wants: a reaction out of you!
> 
> 
> Both you and your H need to AVOID and IGNORE her as much as possible. I say this for your H sobriety's sake. If/when you do see her and she behaves badly - try to have NO reaction at all. Your negative reactions/responses are feeding her venom. No reaction basically says to her - you could careless; she doesn't exist/matter.
> ...


Thanks for your reply! I didn't make myself clear enough in my post. I DO ignore her comments. Only one time within the last 2-3 years have I said one word or even glanced at her or made any kind of face when she makes these comments. That was the time I said she was rude for talking about my dog. The rest of the time I pretend I don't even hear her. I don't look in her direction or acknowledge her. The comment about my dog was 2 months ago so a solid 2 years + went on without her getting a single reaction from me. I figured she would've stopped by now being she never gets any attention from the horrible way she treats me. BUT, it has only gotten worse. It use to be petty things like making fun of my clothes..now she's trying to make my husband relapse and talking negatively about my family members and stuff of that sort.

I think it's very very strange and immature for a 24 year old to behave this way. 

My gut tells me to ignore her.. so that's what I've done. However, my Mom and life long friend both told me that she's more than crossed the line too many times and I should speak up and tell her off. I'm not sure if I should or not. I'm a quiet person and I've never had a confrontation of this sort before. If she was a reasonable person, I'd consider sitting down and talking with her but I know there's 0 chance of that working. 

I just wish she would pretend I don't exist and stop picking on me.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You and your husband need to cut her out of your lives completely. She is disrespecting you and her own flesh and blood. Your SIL is a bully, no way around it. This happened in my family. My older sister was horrible to my brothers wife. My SIL would try everything. She took her kindness for weakness. I would tell my brother you need to put a end to it. He was too laid back until it blew up. He eventually cut all ties with my sister. I eventually did also when I told her she was a bully and she better not pull that crap with my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

richie33 said:


> You and your husband need to cut her out of your lives completely. She is disrespecting you and her own flesh and blood. Your SIL is a bully, no way around it. This happened in my family. My older sister was horrible to my brothers wife. My SIL would try everything. She took her kindness for weakness. I would tell my brother you need to put a end to it. He was too laid back until it blew up. He eventually cut all ties with my sister. I eventually did also when I told her she was a bully and she better not pull that crap with my wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd love to cut her out of our lives. I wish it was that easy.  I did block her from calling and texting my husband's phone. It was actually his suggestion that I do it. I figure that would at least stop the aggravation I feel when she asks him to go to bars and clubs. That way if she does it.. we will never know and she will never receive a reply.

I want to be rid of her so badly. The reason we can't get rid of her is because she lives with my in-laws so when we see them, she's there. At any family thing we go to- she's there. I have opted out of going to almost everything completely. My husband will go occasionally but only goes to be polite to his parents and extended family. I am starting to get upset when he goes because the last 3 times he came home telling me that his sister was taunting him for not drinking. He says it doesn't bother him and he's strong enough to resist but I hate taking that chance.. you know? I don't want to tell him to stop seeing his family or anything but it's frustrating. 

My husband doesn't get as bothered by all of this as I do. Maybe he's just used to her behavior. His method of dealing with her is cursing her out (which she seems to enjoy and find hilarious), making fun of her for being over weight or telling her she looks bad and stuff (NOT nice and I tell him to stop. And btw, he never treated her that way until she messed with me.) or just ignoring her all together. 

She's also befriended all of my husband's old druggie friends from high school. She hangs out with them all the time and shares information with them about my husband. Then she comes back telling him "So and so misses you and wants to hang out with you." UGH! They are all still on drugs and are very bad people. She tries to persuade my husband to see them again. I don't get why she wants to do this to him. Even putting all of my feelings about her aside.. that is her BROTHER.. wtf? I'm curious to know if she really wants to see him ruin his life all over again. He overdosed TWICE and is lucky to even be alive. She has to be mentally disturbed to make it try and happen again. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't see this as a serious problem. He will say "I'll never listen to her so who cares what she says." I see his point but I fear that at some point in his life he may have a weak moment. I remember better than he does what a struggle his addictions were. I don't think he can even recall most of it because he was always so high.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I agree with Richie You and H need to totally cut her off. Yes it will be hard particularly if you're having to cut down on the number of times you see/visit other family members because of the cut off. But sometimes these sacrifices are necessary. If He approaches the others (in your case, his parents) and explains what & why he's decided to do what he's got to do to honor & respect you, himself, and your relationship; and if they love HIM & you and Know her, then they will understand what you're doing. What kind of parents would put up with one of their children goading another back into any kind of addiction behavior? His parents should be taking a stand against her/for HIM in that regard. 

You do not need to visit their home in order to have a relationship with them - you can either agree to meet somewhere else or invite just them to your place. If you both are committed to this, there are things you can put in place to prevent interactions with her. After a while when she sees that you TWO are on the same page, and she's doing without, maybe she'll come around. 

We did this several years ago with one of my H Brothers and MIL. Cut off with BIL lasted a little over three years until HE called and apologized for his behavior; H now talks to him occasionally but the relationship will never be the same. MIL is still cut off going on 4+ years. We accomplished this by having NC/information sharing whatsoever. Extended family members knew what happened/or our wishes explained to them; at that point, our relationship with them was determined by them & their actions. They either respect our decision or they don't. We had to do this to protect each other and our marriage from the nasty, evil things MIL is capable of.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Just sent you a PM giving you the link to another website that might be able to give you some good advice on handling your SIL


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## JenTee (Nov 19, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> I agree with Richie You and H need to totally cut her off. Yes it will be hard particularly if you're having to cut down on the number of times you see/visit other family members because of the cut off. But sometimes these sacrifices are necessary. If He approaches the others (in your case, his parents) and explains what & why he's decided to do what he's got to do to honor & respect you, himself, and your relationship; and if they love HIM & you and Know her, then they will understand what you're doing. What kind of parents would put up with one of their children goading another back into any kind of addiction behavior? His parents should be taking a stand against her/for HIM in that regard.
> 
> You do not need to visit their home in order to have a relationship with them - you can either agree to meet somewhere else or invite just them to your place. If you both are committed to this, there are things you can put in place to prevent interactions with her. After a while when she sees that you TWO are on the same page, and she's doing without, maybe she'll come around.
> 
> We did this several years ago with one of my H Brothers and MIL. Cut off with BIL lasted a little over three years until HE called and apologized for his behavior; H now talks to him occasionally but the relationship will never be the same. MIL is still cut off going on 4+ years. We accomplished this by having NC/information sharing whatsoever. Extended family members knew what happened/or our wishes explained to them; at that point, our relationship with them was determined by them & their actions. They either respect our decision or they don't. We had to do this to protect each other and our marriage from the nasty, evil things MIL is capable of.


I'm sorry you had to deal with a similar situation. It really sucks! 

His parents are unaware of what she's doing because she never ever does or says these things when they're around. If they are around she either talks to me normally or doesn't talk to me at all. I sort of want to tell my MIL what's going on. I have a good relationship with her. My FIL is kind of weird but I know he'd agree with us. I'm just afraid of making myself look bad or sounding petty. I feel awkward talking negatively to them about their child. Not that I would say anything other than facts...but I would still feel uncomfortable. They do know how SIL is and have gotten furious with her over certain things she does. For example: Stealing thousands of dollars (NOT exaggerating and she brags about it to everyone) worth of makeup from her work place, charging an unauthorized tip for herself onto a client's credit card and having the police called on her, driving on a suspended license..etc. That's just a small tid bit of the type person she is. You guys are right though.. it needs to come to an end. I'm a timid person so I will have to muster up the courage to do something about it.

Thank you! I will go read the message now!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If things stay the same they will only get worse. I assume you don't have children, when you do, do you want your kids see Mommy be disrespected. 
Just a suggestion: But have your husband, not you , write a email to all family members who you see during holidays and family gatherings and explain why you and your husband will no longer attend. How hurtful this will be for the both of you but he can longer put his wife, who he loves dearly, in a situation where she is being abuse by his own flesh and blood. That for a long time he sucked it up and thought things would for fix themselves but that's not the case. When he stood before God ( our whatever your beliefs are ) that he swore to protect you and unfortunately it's his own flesh and blood is tormenting his wife. It's not longer acceptable behavior and this is not going to go on any further. 
It's a hard line in the sand I know. But bullies only know one way...to attack. Shaming her might work, if not she doesn't seem worth the stress. Good luck, especially with the holidays.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

JenTee said:


> I'm sorry you had to deal with a similar situation. It really sucks!
> 
> *His parents are unaware of what she's doing because she never ever does or says these things when they're around. If they are around she either talks to me normally or doesn't talk to me at all. *I sort of want to tell my MIL what's going on. I have a good relationship with her. My FIL is kind of weird but I know he'd agree with us. I'm just afraid of making myself look bad or sounding petty. I feel awkward talking negatively to them about their child. Not that I would say anything other than facts...but I would still feel uncomfortable. They do know how SIL is and have gotten furious with her over certain things she does. For example: Stealing thousands of dollars (NOT exaggerating and she brags about it to everyone) worth of makeup from her work place, charging an unauthorized tip for herself onto a client's credit card and having the police called on her, driving on a suspended license..etc. That's just a small tid bit of the type person she is. You guys are right though.. it needs to come to an end. I'm a timid person so I will have to muster up the courage to do something about it.
> 
> Thank you! I will go read the message now!


Her parents need to know that their daughter is setting their son up to get addicted to drugs and alcohol again. 

Agree with the poster that said your husband needs to privately go to his parents and reveal EVERYTHING that is going on, and firmly state that you both will not be attending any functions where she is present. They are more than welcome to visit you elsewhere, at your house, etc. but you won't be attending family functions where she is present. You can say that you are not asking them to choose sides, but for the health of your husband, THEIR SON, this is necessary, and he will not tolerate his wife being abused repeatedly by his family.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Of course she is jealous of you. She's a miserable person who wants everyone to be miserable with her. She wants your Husband to start drinking with her - she may be an alcoholic.

She is toxic to you & your Husband. You need to cut her out of your lives.

You can see his parents by having them over to your peaceful home or go visit when she is out drinking.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

She has become very unhappy and jealous. Try to limit your time around her, and avoid conflict. I would not try to change her or dictate her behavior.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

I'm in something rather similar, only its my brother. Tried cutting him out, but cant do that w/o cutting out everybody else, but still considering restraining order.... I'm feeling pretty stuck too


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