# Husbands 360 overnight, do I believe him?



## Danielle2011 (Sep 5, 2011)

This is my first posting to heres the story. Ive been married 4 years, together for 8, and am in my mid 20's. I moved many states away from my family to be with him after to graduated highschool and we've been together since. The past year has been challenging, im figuring out more who i am and not letting him control me as much, im speaking up more with my wants, and things im not ok with. The major issue is CHILDREN. For months he insisted hes "indifferent" on having kids, its "not that I DON'T want kids, id be fine with out" ...and so forth. A couple of months ago we got into a huge fight, I told him im not ok with his viewpoint on children and I can't get past the negative association/feelings I now associate with having a child with him... so after that fight it was pretty much over. He went running to his mother (because he doesn't have many guy friends to talk to) and now she knows alot of our business, which is infuriating lol. So, after the talk he had with his mother he's all of the sudden Mr. Daddy going on and on and on how much he wants to be a father... saying he never really thought about it before but now he has and just wants time to prove to me that thats how he really feels. The problem-I don't believe it. Am I being crazy or unreasonable for not believing him? ughh.... this is so frustrating and confusing and there are other issues in the relationship to boot... lack of communication, horrible sex life, him being selfish... yada yada yada.... Please help?! Ill take any advice!


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

well... when my ex brought up things i had to work on (like treating my parents badly) and made it into a huge fight i listened right up. You metioned communication as a flaw... Maybe your telling him blue but what he hears is red. Sit him down write him a letter or something but change how you communicate. Obviously he isnt getting the message your conveying. So just change how you tell him.


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## Danielle2011 (Sep 5, 2011)

Thank you for the response! The first letter I wrote to him he had no response. About 2 weeks after I gave it to him I finally said I needed some feedback... and he opened up a little bit but alot of the things he has said were on the defense and pretty crappy to hear. A month or so later, and a few more discussions about things, he writes me a letter back. I also tried having both of us write down a list of priorites, what we want out of life, and so forth, to try and give him time to really think and not just react to what im saying, but say what he feels. So as soon as he finished reading my list he immediately says "see, theres alot of the same". Ive told him numerous times hes missing the point and I do completely agree with you on the "telling him blue but what he hears is red". Im really starting to think maybe we're just not the perfect couple I was trying to be and what everyone else thought to be. Im so exhausted at trying to understand him and get my point across without putting my needs last like I have done for the majority of the marriage. I feel like im in limbo and my head and heart are in two different places.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

You have let him control you in the past right? He has asked you to do things that you didn't necessarily want to do right? This is an interesting situation. If your husband was very controlling with you, how will he behave if you do decide to have children? Your mothering instincts are starting to kick in and he doesn't seem to care about having children. I think him saying he wants to have children is being controlling and trying to get you to stay in the relationship and not leave him.


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## Danielle2011 (Sep 5, 2011)

I have let him control me the majority of our relationship and have done alot of things I really haven't wanted to, but im by his family, his friends, and didn't branch out as much as I should have when I moved out here. I've been trying so hard to be the good wife I let alot of little things go and fed into his selfish ways, which I take full responsibility there lol. Hes not a bad person though and has admitted to being controlling and selfish. He has also said that if we don't work out that hes not going to rush into another relationship just to have children and by that time he will be too old and he thinks he will have been a complete failure and cant imagine life without me. (i see it as more excuses and "poor me") To add fuel to the whole kid fire...... within the first month I moved out here I got knocked up by him. He pulled the "what are you going to do?" card. I said abortion is something I would never do, that I wouldn't be that person, but for many reasons-the biggest not having his full support and having a father that really didn't want the child, I got the abortion : ( ...and 8 years later, here I am. It sucks.


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