# Is sexual incompatibility fatal to a relationship?



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Well, the forum Nazis apparently didn't like this question when accompanied with a poll, so I'll try it straight up.

For you sexually discordant couples out there - 

Have you managed to resolve this difficulty in your relationship or not? Have you found a mutually satisfactory compromise on your differences or does one partner continue to feel as if they're giving up most of the for the continued peace? 

Dan Savage on his podcast has basically claimed that he won't answer questions about sexually incompatible couples any longer because the problem is FTMP a lost cause. Everyone comes here seeking advice, and plenty is given. Does any of it actually work? The data driven population here wants to know.

Is happiness an unreasonable goal?


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

If only one person in such relationship considers sex very important for his happiness then it's fatal. By fatal I mean that there is no true happiness in it. 

If both of them considers sex not so important than incompatibilities can be successfully pushed aside.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Yes Cletus I came here and found out about MMSL. So far things are much better!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee is LD and has many hang ups due to her insecurities, size, how she was raised and how she was treated in life.

I am HD and nothing bothers me too much and could have sex 1 - 3x every day.

It's not fatal but the marriage or relationship could of been much closer and healthier if the sex was balanced from day one.

HD spouse compromises down to 3 - 4x every week instead of every day, multiple times.

LD spouses compromise up to 3- 4x every week instead of 1 - 2x month or less.

In the end, LD spouses gets their way and the HD spouse doesn't fight with him or her about it anymore, says everything is truly great and LD spouse buys it.

It has to be 50 / 50 or many relationships are fatal in the end due to no sexual middle ground.


I love my wifee but if I had to redo life again, different woman no question. I have missed out on so many things most couples have done together, I'm sexually starved.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It was fatal to my first marriage.

The pain of divorce was the reason I made sure my second marraige was sexually compatible before saying "I do".

I simply would rather date forever than be married without sexual compatibility again.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I guess it depends on the couple, to be honest.

I am much higher drive than my husband, and want more adventurous sex. But I am not going to get it. I have decided to settle for less than I would ideally want, because the rest of the relationship is too good to throw away.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I guess it depends on the couple, to be honest.


That's exactly the point I'm hoping to get at. There's all kinds of advice but we don't get a lot of feedback on whether anyone makes any progress using it. Perhaps I should have rephrased the question to be "in your personal experience, what has been the outcome?"


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Compromise here = good outcome.

Husband LD but needs/wants sex approx. once a month. Me - asexual & have no sexual desire. We do have sex once a month & I do everything he wants enthusiastically.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Compromise here = good outcome.
> 
> Husband LD but needs/wants sex approx. once a month. Me - asexual & have no sexual desire. We do have sex once a month & I do everything he wants enthusiastically.


Thanks for answering, and I'm glad you've found a compromise.

Excuse me if I offend, and I understand that once a month vs. never is a mismatch - it just doesn't feel like a very large mismatch. Of course, it probably seems like an enormous gap to you. 

How hard did you have to work to come to this agreement, if you don't mind my prying.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I love Dan Savage, I listen all the time 

Sadly, I agree with him. Mismatched sex drives are fatal to a relationship. You can't make someone want sex any more or less than they do, save for any medical issues that might be present. JMHO.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Compromise here - my partner and I are on polar opposite ends of HD and LD (he wants sex 3 - 4 times a day, I'd prefer sex maybe once or twice a month).
Even when I physically can't have PIV sex (it's very painful for me a lot of the time, which contributes to my lack of interest in sex), I try to make sure we're intimate in some way at least once a day, sometimes twice. 

We also have fairly frequent discussions about whether both our needs are being met, and we're honest with each other. There's a lot of give and take on both our parts, but I don't think either of us feels one is giving more than the other (we had a discussion on this a few weeks ago).

It's not easy, but it's working for_ us_ and we're both really happy.


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## KFS (Nov 4, 2012)

Hubby and I have been married 31 years. He is LD and I'm HD (although that has changed since I've hit menopause). Yes, at times it was extremely difficult, I cannot deny that. But we love each other and have tried to each understand what the other feels, and compromise accordingly. Sometimes perspective helps, as when he told me how wonderful I've made his experience of sex. Sometimes it's not just "all about me", you know? And, yes, with 20-20 hindsight I would still marry him again.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If it wasn't for our sexual compatibility, we wouldn't be together. Outside the bedroom, we get along just fine, but we are very different people who obviously want different things out of life. Because we experience such contentment in the bedroom, the other areas are tolerable.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> If it wasn't for our sexual compatibility, we wouldn't be together. Outside the bedroom, we get along just fine, but we are very different people who obviously want different things out of life. Because we experience such contentment in the bedroom, the other areas are tolerable.


Now there's an answer that caught me by surprise. 

That might be the first time I've ever heard someone say that, but for the good sex, we would be splitsville. It's almost always the other way 'round. Fascinating.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

We've had sexual incompatibility issues off and on for over 10 years and our relationship has never suffered. Sure he's had his grumpy moments and there's been arguments but the relationship itself was solid. Especially after we worked out a 1x a week compromise. Then we both knew what to expect and everything worked out fine. People give sex far too much importance and space in their lives. It doesn't have to be such a big deal.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> We've had sexual incompatibility issues off and on for over 10 years and our relationship has never suffered. Sure he's had his grumpy moments and there's been arguments but the relationship itself was solid. Especially after we worked out a 1x a week compromise. Then we both knew what to expect and everything worked out fine. People give sex far too much importance and space in their lives. It doesn't have to be such a big deal.


There's lots of things in life that I consider to be no big deal. 

One of the differences between those that I do and those that I don't is in how much time and energy I expend thinking about them, posting about them, arguing about them, trying to convince others to see my way, and trying to adjust my views to those of others.

Something I find myself posting to a public forum dedicated solely to a single topic daily or even weekly probably falls somewhere on the continuum of a Bigger deal than most.

Seems you spend a lot of time trying to convince others that sex is no big deal. Doesn't that sorta make it a big deal, even to you?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Cletus said:


> There's lots of things in life that I consider to be no big deal.
> 
> One of the differences between those that I do and those that I don't is in how much time and energy I expend thinking about them, posting about them, arguing about them, trying to convince others to see my way, and trying to adjust my views to those of others.
> 
> ...


Some of us spend more time arguing and being resistant to something than the actual time it would take to actually do it.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Cletus said:


> There's lots of things in life that I consider to be no big deal.
> 
> One of the differences between those that I do and those that I don't is in how much time and energy I expend thinking about them, posting about them, arguing about them, trying to convince others to see my way, and trying to adjust my views to those of others.
> 
> ...


LOL, I have more sex in half a week now than I did in a month back then. So, ya, it's on my mind a lot now. But like someone else said in another thread, it's like frosting on cake, not the important part...the cake itself.

I find SIM to be endlessly fascinating. So many people, in so much distress over such a simple thing. Like I said before, it's like putting a slide under a microscope and observing. I learn a lot about people this way. I'm not quite able to iterate what it is *exactly* that is so compelling....I know it in my head but can't find the words for it. I'm sure once I do....it won't be as interesting. Once I sort out the mystery of things, they become boring to me


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If the reason for the sex debacle is one of control of one partner by the other any time refusing, rejecting, stonewalling, placating, or otherwise not "giving in" is time well spent in some people's minds...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think sexual incompatibility is fatal but serial selfishness and disrespect are marriage (at least happiness) killers. Both partners have needs (and limitations) and both parties have to reasonably and obviously try to accomodate the other. I couldn't watch my spouse suffer day in and out if I had the means to relieve that suffering. If a mate's needs are not important to their spouse, they are not important, either. Part of what makes us human is we have needs. We feel hunger, cold, heat, pain, and sexual urges. If our needs are habitually ignored or discounted, it has a dehumanizing effect. One can't seriously consider themselves a married partner if they are engaged in dehumanizing their spouse.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> If the reason for the sex debacle is one of control of one partner by the other any time refusing, rejecting, stonewalling, placating, or otherwise not "giving in" is time well spent in some people's minds...


I forgot about it from that perspective. Yes, this builds them up. So they don't mind these weak attempts at all.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

This is a learned behavior, no more different than a kid who spends half an hour arguing about a five minute chore. The "LD" partner loses a lot more in control brownie points even if he/she would really like a roll in the hay...


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I feel I got the bait-n-switch. Before marriage my wife was extremely hd, and now, she couldnt care less about sex. I hate to even mention it for it feels like pity sex. That's my question, how to avoid the bait-n-switch on the next one? I'm almost certain there will be a next one. Every other aspect is great. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

If there is no sexual chemistry, what separates the marriage from just a good friendship. If you are both LD and sex is a no issue than yay for you. If you are longing to be desired and physically please your spouse, then the conflict will create a lot of hurt. I don't believe in a bait and switch or at least it is extremely rare. I believe that people's sexual desires fluctuate. So many outside factors play into it, I don't see how it's possible to even know that your partner will be on the same sexual page as you for your entire lifetime. Yes, I believe sexual incompatibility is fatal to a relationship if it goes on for an extended length of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Now there's an answer that caught me by surprise.
> 
> That might be the first time I've ever heard someone say that, but for the good sex, we would be splitsville. It's almost always the other way 'round. Fascinating.


Back when I was contemplating a D, I asked every single woman I knew, How do you go about getting enough sex while still feeling safe and NOT being labeled a ****? It was one of my major stumbling blocks.

I use my Husband for his body and his security and because I hate balancing the checkbook and paying bills! also hate spiders and taking out the trash.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

In my marriage, sexual compatibility is a big part of what makes it a happy one. Enjoying sex together makes our whole relationship more loving and happy. And because I'm not happy really unless I feel happy in my marriage, it's vital to me.

Being happy together physically means things that would otherwise be a bigger deal aren't. Like, I ran the car into a fire hydrant the other day. My husband is going to have to organise to get it fixed (its his car) which is always a pain. He has shown not one speck of irritation about it, and I think a big part of that is because we are physically and sexually very happy right now.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

I ran my MIL's ATV into a tree yesterday and broke part of the fender off. I expected DH to yell and swear at me and be a jerk about it....but he laughed it off and told me to be more careful. We'd had sex 3 times in 2 days. I had no idea there could be a correlation.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I ran my MIL's ATV into a tree yesterday and broke part of the fender off. I expected DH to yell and swear at me and be a jerk about it....but he laughed it off and told me to be more careful. We'd had sex 3 times in 2 days. I had no idea there could be a correlation.


LTOL do you understand the correlation or are you just obsevring it


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> LTOL do you understand the correlation or are you just obsevring it


I really don't see what one has to do with the other. But what Lyris said about dinging the car....then I thought...the ATV....I REALLY expected to get bawled out about that. I was surprised when he didn't but it didn't occur to me it had anything to do with sex. It never in a million years would have occurred to me, had I not read Lyris' post. I thought his mood was because we were out having fun and he was away from work.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Thanks for answering, and I'm glad you've found a compromise.
> 
> Excuse me if I offend, and I understand that once a month vs. never is a mismatch - it just doesn't feel like a very large mismatch. Of course, it probably seems like an enormous gap to you.
> 
> How hard did you have to work to come to this agreement, if you don't mind my prying.


You are right! It is NOT a large mismatch but it is still a mismatch.

You must understand this is a fairly new marriage & the second for both of us. Our sexual histories, first marriages, past partners & sexual desires, frequency needs, etc. were thoroughly discussed prior to marriage. We are both not young & done with having children.

The husband may not have always been LD but has been for the last 10 years or so for medical & other reasons. It was a relief for him when he met me. HD women cause his anxiety to go through the roof.

In the beginning he didn't understand me. How could I possibly have no sexual desire? He took it personally & didn't want to have any sex with me. That I didn't desire HIM but DID desire other men. He was sad, felt unattractive & undesirable although he's a tall, cool drink of water.

It's all about communication & actions. I told him over & over that he was awesome, I had NO desire for other men, hot movie stars do nothing for me, I don't flirt or talk about how hot other guys are.....& finally he believed me. 

He also has a benign sexual fetish that I didn't really want to do although it is really how he gets turned on to the point of climax. I'm not repulsed by it but couldn't get into it the way he wanted me to. Anyway, we came up with ideas to incorporate his fetish into sex that worked for both of us.

Enough about me........


I agree with another poster who said that sexual desires can change over the course of a long marriage for a variety of reasons. A couple can be "matched" in the beginning but the only constant in life is change. Life is full of compromises including sexual activity.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> I was surprised when he didn't but it didn't occur to me it had anything to do with sex. It never in a million years would have occurred to me, had I not read Lyris' post. I thought his mood was because we were out having fun and he was away from work.


Perhaps now you might reconsider trying to tell the rest of us that it's no big deal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Good sex puts a bit of a halo (pun not intended) over the relationship. It's kind of hard (pun not intended) to get upset at someone who, a few hours ago, was giving or receiving various, well, you get the idea. Now, I'm not saying to do it like bunnies and then crash the hubby's Jaguar on the way to the quickie-mart, but good sex does increase one's comfort zone considerably.

The corollary is also true. If one hasn't seen 1st base for a while it is likely that errant bird droppings on said Jaguar will be made into a Steinway - sized issue. 

Sex, for better or worse, sets a context in which a lot of other interactions are viewed in.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> Perhaps now you might reconsider trying to tell the rest of us that it's no big deal?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Correlation does not equal causation. 

I'm not convinced the two have a link. It doesn't make any sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> If it wasn't for our sexual compatibility, we wouldn't be together. Outside the bedroom, we get along just fine, but we are very different people who obviously want different things out of life. Because we experience such contentment in the bedroom, the other areas are tolerable.




I agree with this. We were always good in the bedroom. If it wasn't neither of us would have stuck it though. 

We are great friends outside the bedroom, but I have friends, so I need sex and connection and intimacy from my spouse inside the bedroom, as well as great friendship.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

The truth is half of the sex was great for me, that I endured what DW brought into our marriage. While she stayed married to me due to I have been a good provider for her, she even confessed to me that she didn't think she could find a better husband than me, in spite of my nagging and outbursts sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *john117 said*: Good sex puts a bit of a halo (pun not intended) over the relationship. It's kind of hard (pun not intended) to get upset at someone who, a few hours ago, was giving or receiving various, well, you get the idea. Now, I'm not saying to do it like bunnies and then crash the hubby's Jaguar on the way to the quickie-mart, but good sex does increase one's comfort zone considerably.
> 
> The corollary is also true. If one hasn't seen 1st base for a while it is likely that errant bird droppings on said Jaguar will be made into a Steinway - sized issue.
> 
> Sex, for better or worse, sets a context in which a lot of other interactions are viewed in.


Couldn't agree more so. :smthumbup:


It may not be fatal....but it destroys something deep inside a person -*If it's important to them*...and anyone who tramples on this is cold and heartless ..... just as we shouldn't trample, belittle or turn a blind eye on what fulfills them....emotionally. 

Sex is ALIVE with deep emotion for many people.. I know this is how WE feel in our marriage ....I celebrate this fact....and would never want it any other way....this brightens my world...and his...

So yeah...when our partners are lacking in this...it has the power to depress, to cause weakness...sadness....resentment... a cloud over their daily lives .... some can live in that stagnant state, either numbing themselves or finding fulfillment elsewhere ...... some can't. A fulfilling sex life is just too important to their well being. 

Then there is differences in libido types.. this can be off some and still be very doable...with working out the acceptance of each other ...through communication...


An earlier posting of mine -covering a book I found very insightful covering this issue....



> Our differences in Libido types and Lover styles...so often there is a disconnect/ misnderstanding of our deep desires/fantasies / what sex means to us...that needs worked through...
> 
> So typical in Marriage.. one partner may crave more bedroom time over another
> 
> ...


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Cool. 

My libido type appears to be Reactive with a hint of Dependent and Entitled. 

I'll ask my wife to do the same but I strongly suspect she will end up in Sensual department.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Correlation does not equal causation.
> 
> I'm not convinced the two have a link. It doesn't make any sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol really? Sex to a hd person is their drug of choice, sex releases dopamine, (iirc) he was still "high" from the earlier sex. It makes perfect sense!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Correlation does not equal causation.
> 
> I'm not convinced the two have a link. It doesn't make any sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I'm starting to see how to read your posts. Simply add "to me" to the end of every assertion you make, and voila. 

So now it's time to run an experiment to try to tease causality out of the mess. Sadly, we can't do double-blind unless you want another woman sleeping with your man, so we'll do the best we can. 

Go home and cut your hubby off from sex for two weeks to a month. Then go out and run the ATV into a tree again and see what kind of reaction you get. Repeat with varying gaps in sexual activity and record the responses, then report back to the forum.

The rest of us already understand the calming effect that recent shared sexual activity has on a marriage and don't need to destroy trees or functioning off road equipment to qualify the effect. It's not a bulletproof cure all or snake oil, more like a low dose of Prozac in the marital water supply.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I think I'm starting to see how to read your posts. Simply add "to me" to the end of every assertion you make, and voila.
> 
> So now it's time to run an experiment to try to tease causality out of the mess. Sadly, we can't do double-blind unless you want another woman sleeping with your man, so we'll do the best we can.
> 
> ...


I will point out that sex doesn't have this effect on all people. The underlying feeling here is anytime someone doesn't feel fulfilled wether it be sexually or emotionally by their partner, other stresses in life will bother you more. As your satisfaction with your spouse decreases, you are naturally prone to be more irritable by things they do even though you could easily brush off those same things if you were happier with your partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Horsa said:


> The truth is half of the sex was great for me, that I endured what DW brought into our marriage. While she stayed married to me due to I have been a good provider for her, she even confessed to me that she didn't think she could find a better husband than me, in spite of my nagging and outbursts sometimes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take solace in that. Of course there is someone who could be a better husband than you, but she places a high level of respect for the level of husband you are, saying it's not common.

Continue to MAP up, to reclaim the other parts of her psyche. It's going to take the level of focus of a husband that's getting into himself in a narcisstic way or focused on his career...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I wouldn't stay with SO if we weren't sexually compatible.He's wonderful but love isn't enough for me.I settled the first time around and won't do it again.

For others,they're cool with placing sex at the bottom of their priorities.

If there comes a day when we aren't compatible(due to things OTHER than health problems that can't be avoided) there will be tons of talking and likely a lot of counseling before final decisions about the relationship are made.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I wish I had read things like this before I got married. I thought I had a grasp on what or who would make a good marriage. Sex seemed to be important but I always heard this comment about "married sex" like it was normal for the sex to not be satisfying in marriage after a while. It seemed like something that was natural to marriage and therefore why should sexual chemistry be that important in the beginning if it was to die off anyway. If I knew it didn't have to be this way, I would have done things differently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

Before I was married, I found it deplorable that people (mainly men) would cheat on their spouses. It made no sense, especially if the guy had a beautiful wife. But reading some of the stories in this forum, and throwing in some of my own disappointment with our sex life in nearly 16 years of marriage, I have come to understand exactly how it can happen. Sex is a beautiful thing created by God for a couple to share. I just don't understand how some spouses can consciously withhold that from their SO for long periods of time. It's like someone telling me I can only eat once every 7-10 days. I know my body can survive on that, but life would be miserable. I don't know how some can basically equate sex to getting an oil change. It's a nuisance, but it's necessary, so we tolerate it every few months.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Before I was married and even shortly after, I didn't understand why anyone would cheat. Why they wouldn't just work on the problem or leave. Now I know not to judge anyone or at least to try not to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> Before I was married and even shortly after, I didn't understand why anyone would cheat. Why they wouldn't just work on the problem or leave. Now I know not to judge anyone or at least to try not to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep! Everyone is capable of cheating if the situation is right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

Work-In-Progress said:


> Before I was married, I found it deplorable that people (mainly men) would cheat on their spouses. It made no sense, especially if the guy had a beautiful wife. But reading some of the stories in this forum, and throwing in some of my own disappointment with our sex life in nearly 16 years of marriage, I have come to understand exactly how it can happen. Sex is a beautiful thing created by God for a couple to share. I just don't understand how some spouses can consciously withhold that from their SO for long periods of time. It's like someone telling me I can only eat once every 7-10 days. I know my body can survive on that, but life would be miserable. I don't know how some can basically equate sex to getting an oil change. It's a nuisance, but it's necessary, so we tolerate it every few months.


Very well said. I am going through this right now. It's so hard, when everything else is just right.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Yep! Everyone is capable of cheating if the situation is right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well maybe technically that statement is true but not everyone will cheat given their situation.
I have never and would never cheat. Cheaters are cowards and low lifes and I am not this type of person.

As for the OP, it was not the mismatch that killed our marriage it was that he showed by his lack of action that he really did not care about my needs.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Correlation does not equal causation.
> 
> I'm not convinced the two have a link. It doesn't make any sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First sentence true for all people. Third sentence, not so true for most people.

But obviously you aren't most people, nothing wrong with that, and I'll try to understand if you'll try to understand the rest of us.

Deal?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I really don't see what one has to do with the other. But what Lyris said about dinging the car....then I thought...the ATV....I REALLY expected to get bawled out about that. I was surprised when he didn't but it didn't occur to me it had anything to do with sex. It never in a million years would have occurred to me, had I not read Lyris' post. I thought his mood was because we were out having fun and he was away from work.


The essential key to happiness beyond security (safe from physical harm for him and his loved ones) for most men is sex. Not the ONS meaningless sex is excitement which is fleeting. No it’s the intimacy through sex that brings the connection to lovers. When a man has physical and emotional bonding through sex with his lover, it brings him a sense of calmness an inner peace (NOT PIECE)

A sense of euphoria exists that is long lasting, That real feeling of happiness allow a man to perform at his best in all areas of his life .He will be a better father, brother, friend, and husband. Not because of the sex but because of the happiness that sex brings him. It gives him confidence it brings value to his self-esteem it supports his self-respect.

It is all these elements that support the man and in turn support his relationships. All this of course is predicated on him being a healthy minded man. I am puzzled by anyone not being able to connect the dots.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Holland said:


> Well maybe technically that statement is true but not everyone will cheat given their situation.
> I have never and would never cheat. Cheaters are cowards and low lifes and I am not this type of person.
> 
> As for the OP, it was not the mismatch that killed our marriage it was that he showed by his lack of action that he really did not care about my needs.


I'm sorry I didn't realize... Maybe you're the one true exception....but I doubt it. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: Re: Is sexual incompatibility fatal to a relationship?*



LadyOfTheLake said:


> Correlation does not equal causation.
> 
> I'm not convinced the two have a link. It doesn't make any sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It absolutely makes sense. Anger is an emotion. If one is feeling emotionally fulfilled due to a happy sex life, one is less likely to have room to feel anger.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Ok so sex releases chemicals that make you happy. That is biology 101 and I won't contest it. But how long do those chemicals have an effect? Hours? Days? Is it the same for everyone? What causes the chemicals to dwindle? I don't notice ANY change in my mood whether we are having sex or not...so is it a male only thing?
If we'd had sex on Fri and I crashed the ATV on Wed, would his reaction have been different due to a dilution of those chemicals?

There are too many variables to just "connect the dots". 

Everyone who eats carrots will die. That doesn't mean carrots kill you. Correlation without causation. Too many variables.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

To continue the carrot metaphor, carrots alone don't make you healthy, but carrots along with other healthy eating will. Sex alone isn't going to make you happy, but it's one big piece of the puzzle. For you, sex isn't a priority, but there are most likely other things that are. How about sleep for example? Don't you get irritable if you don't get as much sleep as you would like? I like to get 7-8 hours myself. When we had kids I often had nights more like 5-6 hours. Was it enough to get me through the day? Yes. But was I at my best? No. I was irritable many times, especially when our last child was a very cranky baby for many weeks. There are some people that are perfectly fine with 5-6 hours. Same with sex. Some need more than others. It doesn't make them perverts or irrational people. Same with people with LD. We just need to meet in the middle.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Work-In-Progress said:


> To continue the carrot metaphor, carrots alone don't make you healthy, but carrots along with other healthy eating will. Sex alone isn't going to make you happy, but it's one big piece of the puzzle. For you, sex isn't a priority, but there are most likely other things that are. How about sleep for example? Don't you get irritable if you don't get as much sleep as you would like? I like to get 7-8 hours myself. When we had kids I often had nights more like 5-6 hours. Was it enough to get me through the day? Yes. But was I at my best? No. I was irritable many times, especially when our last child was a very cranky baby for many weeks.


LOL, you found my weakness. I loooooooove sleep. I will take sleep over any other activity and turn into a raving, freaking, scary, monster without enough of it. It is one of the big reasons I'm not having any more kids. I just can't deal with the lack of sleep. I can sleep 10-12 hrs, easily. Kids really put a kink in that.

Sleep is one of my biggest priorities.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not everything that goes on inside the brain can be explained in terms of chemical reactions. Learned behavior has as much to do with how one reacts to a situation as anything else.

Connecting the dots is not difficult to do. We have figured out a good deal about how the brain works from simple observation and deduction...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Correlation does not equal causation.
> 
> I'm not convinced the two have a link. It doesn't make any sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm a HD female and I'm definitely happier the more sex I get. It is my love language. 

So to me yes sexual compatibility is very important. It is the glue that has kept us together for 23 years. 

Without it we are nothing but friends/roommates and if that's all he had to offer I'd rather be single.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Eating carrots absolutely would kill me. Especially if they are cooked.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> I'm sorry I didn't realize... Maybe you're the one true exception....but I doubt it. Lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK I assume you have cheater or been cheated on, sorry if I am wrong. But not everyone is a cheater, some of us end one before we start the next.

I lived in a sexless/passionless marriage for many years and never considered cheating. I am very HD but my moral compass is much stronger than my sex drive. 
I get it that people's own experience clouds their perception but you are wrong, not everyone would cheat.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I wish I had read things like this before I got married. I thought I had a grasp on what or who would make a good marriage. Sex seemed to be important but I always heard this comment about "married sex" like it was normal for the sex to not be satisfying in marriage after a while. It seemed like something that was natural to marriage and therefore why should sexual chemistry be that important in the beginning if it was to die off anyway. If I knew it didn't have to be this way, I would have done things differently.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can say very confidently that the longer we are together, the better the sex is. Not entirely linear, but a definite upward trend. We've been together for more than 20 years.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Ok so sex releases chemicals that make you happy. That is biology 101 and I won't contest it. But how long do those chemicals have an effect? Hours? Days? Is it the same for everyone? What causes the chemicals to dwindle? I don't notice ANY change in my mood whether we are having sex or not...so is it a male only thing?
> If we'd had sex on Fri and I crashed the ATV on Wed, would his reaction have been different due to a dilution of those chemicals?
> 
> There are too many variables to just "connect the dots".
> ...


No Variables ??
it's simple No sex = little to no happiness =loneliness=depression=sadness any or all to some degree. Ask any man who has been a near sexless marriage how it changes his life once a sexual relationship returns to him.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

humanbecoming said:


> Eating carrots absolutely would kill me. Especially if they are cooked.


Fresh Baby Carrots sauted in Butter with Anise Kosher Salt Black Pepper Will cure anything


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Im beginning to believe this. I can't win for losing today. Close as I've had her talk about it in a year.


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