# Who loves more?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

About 2 years ago I was having a conversation with my newly married supervisor and she told me in most marriages, it works best if one of them loves the other more than they love them. What do you all think about this? Is love always equal between two people? Or does one love more than the other or does it fluctuate?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Doesn't matter if one loves more than the other.

No, I don't there is any way to measure 'equality' in love.

What it comes down to, is if both partners feel loved by the other ... enough.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

The Husband loves the wife more than vice versa, in most marriages.

Your newly married supervisor didn't mean it's better if "one of them" loves the other more than they love them. 

She meant its better if the husband loves the wife more than she loves him. Guaranteed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would think one spouse is generally MORE of a "giver" - this likely isn't equal in all marraiges. If the receiver is thankful and at the very least gives half to 75% back willingly, and appreciatingly, I think most Givers could "live" content with that, or it keeps them hanging on - it being "enough". 

My husband was always MORE of the giver, but I was a happy receiver for the most part -- now I am as much as a Giver , I'd say we are seriously equal. He has never changed - although he grew internally hurt & questioned my love at times cause I just wasn't in need of his affection as much as he desired it from me, I was just too into our kids, or things happening in our lives and lost site of him , terrible to say, but he was just "always there", so faithful, so true, so quietly enduring. 

Had something happened to him, I would have had alot of regrets. 

I realized in Mid life what I was missing and not treating him as wonderful as I should have been all these years. I woke up , he is rather pleased with that.

I think it can fluctuate too. We all need to feel loved .


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Doesn't matter if one loves more than the other.
> 
> No, I don't there is any way to measure 'equality' in love.
> 
> What it comes down to, is if both partners feel loved by the other ... enough.


Perfectly stated. Also in most marriages, the "who loves more" ebbs and flows so no, there is no way to measure equality in love.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Doesn't matter if one loves more than the other.
> 
> No, I don't there is any way to measure 'equality' in love.
> 
> What it comes down to, is if both partners feel loved by the other ... enough.


I'm inclined to believe that as well.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Brian. said:


> The Husband loves the wife more than vice versa, in most marriages.
> 
> Your newly married supervisor didn't mean it's better if "one of them" loves the other more than they love them.
> 
> She meant its better if the husband loves the wife more than she loves him. Guaranteed.



I'm glad you know exactly what she meant.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would think one spouse is generally MORE of a "giver" - this likely isn't equal in all marraiges. If the receiver is thankful and at the very least gives half to 75% back willingly, and appreciatingly, I think most Givers could "live" content with that, or it keeps them hanging on - it being "enough".
> 
> My husband was always MORE of the giver, but I was a happy receiver for the most part -- now I am as much as a Giver , I'd say we are seriously equal. He has never changed - although he grew internally hurt & questioned my love at times cause I just wasn't in need of his affection as much as he desired it from me, I was just too into our kids, or things happening in our lives and lost site of him , terrible to say, but he was just "always there", so faithful, so true, so quietly enduring.
> 
> ...



That's true that there may be one that is more of a "giver." I think that's natural as how some people just tend to be givers like that.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I'm glad you know exactly what she meant.


It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

Why would a woman want to be the one who loves more? Offcoure they would rather be the one who is loved more and not the one who love_s_ more.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I am completely convinced that I love my husband more just as he is completely convinced that he loves me more. I think that's pretty normal though. I do honestly have a hard time imagining he loves me more than I love him - but he's pretty smart, and that's what he thinks, so maybe he's right? Who could possibly know?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Brian. said:


> It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.
> 
> Why would a woman want to be the one who loves more? Offcoure they would rather be the one who is loved more and not the one who love_s_ more.



I was being sarcastic. She made an observation from what she heard from others and she came to the conclusion that she thought she loved her husband more than he loved her. And I feel the same in my marriage. It may or may not be true but it's just a feeling.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Brian. said:


> Why would a woman want to be the one who loves more? Offcoure they would rather be the one who is loved more and not the one who love_s_ more.


What is her name?


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> What is her name?


I was talking about women in general and not one in specific.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Brian. said:


> I was talking about women in general and not one in specific.


Nobody makes such blanket statements as you do without someone having hurt you. Us women are capable of deep love and I am sorry that you feel otherwise.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I understand what Brian is saying, I think. I would also take it for granted that most people would prefer to be the one who is loved more, if not exactly the same, in a relationship. It must be a terrible feeling to know that your spouse doesn't love you as much as you love them - and since everyone knows how much women want security (right?) what better way to undermine one's sense of security than that?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

omega said:


> I understand what Brian is saying, I think. I would also take it for granted that most people would prefer to be the one who is loved more, if not exactly the same, in a relationship. It must be a terrible feeling to know that your spouse doesn't love you as much as you love them - and since everyone knows how much women want security (right?) what better way to undermine one's sense of security than that?


I will admit when I met my boyfriend/now husband, it is ONE of the reasons I stayed with him, I KNEW in my heart of hearts he loved me overwhelmingly- and yeah, I ate that up. I did question my own feelings for him for a time, probably why we dated 8 long yrs , I had to be sure- since he was my only, I had to work that out within myself, what I truly wanted. 

Security, for me, having some abandonment issues (Mother left me) was pretty high on my list. 

It is sweet to be loved like that, but it DOES make it easier to take that spouse for granted. I did this. Not really thinking about it, Not seeing the whole picture somehow. He made it so easy, I know that sounds bad, but it is true. He could have done some things different to shake me up!

Last night we talked about this, he told me he always felt I was "better" than him, that I might leave him. How very sad these things were in his mind. I NEVER once entertained such thoughts in our marraige. NEVER. I was like ..."are you out of your mind, I am not a fool". You really don't know what your spouse is thinking unless you break down those insecurity walls we hide behind. I regret terribly that he felt this way, I FAILED HIM. 

He told me he feels I "give" MORE *now*, he is not trying to sugar coat me, he means that, but I still feel it is "equal" . If we both see each other as more the giver, more the lover, you know you've reached a glorious place to be. 

I think it is normal to flucuate as one needs to "carry" the other during the hard times, when one has a WEAKNESS that can knock them down, drowning them emotionally or coming into sickness- the most difficult trials of life. When I couldn't conceive, I was rather Bi**hy, MAD at the world , JEALOUS of everyone who had a little girl or a large family (yes this is rediculous I know!). He stood beside me, loved me through it all, the many tears , worry, frustration, anger, tests, and more tests. Didn't complain, just kept loving me. Had I been married to someone else, they might have put a FORK in me. 

Then in the past so many years, I helped carry him through something that wasn't so easy for a man (I'll leave it at that) but I had my turn to do some "carrying", reassuring . I made sure he KNEW He was greatly loved, that these things didn't matter to me, it was all about him. 

And women are definitely capable of Great Great love, how can you say this Brian? You have to be speaking out of your own experience here (many of us do - I'll give you a pass).

But just as an example... the statistics of husbands who come down with a Chronic Illness (MS, cancer) , wives FAR OUT WEIGH Husbands in STAYING , sticking by thier spouses side, faithful and true, loving them , caring for them until their death. The caretaking role is a role of LOVE. 

Men are much more apt to take off, divorce, can't handle it, they bail. 

Really, what is more loving that sticking by your partner 
during a Chronic Illness (I personally can't think of any harder trial in life)-it is infact to grieve a part of your marriage you will never have back, life will never be the same. 

Statictics alone prove you are wrong. 

Each man & women are different of coarse, one sex can't all be thrown into a box.


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