# Signs he married me while in love with someone else/ He settled for me



## Julieee85 (3 mo ago)

Hi, I would like to have an honest perspective of men on this. If I seem naïve, that's ok. I really was. I suspect my husband married me while in love with a female friend. 
I have been married for nine months and we have been together for three years and two months. His friendship with her dates 7 years. 
He only recently admitted that he came to feel a tension between them early in their friendship, but that was it. According to him, it was so vague he decided not to pursue it and not lose the friendship. Nothing more. He also told me that there were one or two occasions when she stayed over in his place (and nothing more), when both were single, I assumed. It was many years before I came into the picture.
Their Facebooks are full of pictures of both together in business trips, meet-ups with friends etc. They used to be university colleagues. Both are professors in different institutions now. 
My husband has always had many friends, men and women, yet he is somehow discreet and shy. Some of his female friends became his best friends during specific periods in their lives, but they never seemed to cross boundaries nor were ever reported as causes for problems in the romantic relationships they had. I see them more as women who helped him and were genuine in their intentions. They tend to take a safe distance from him, meaning they don't engage in emotional bonding and are really respectful towards me. Many of them have partners of their own. Some have children, but *this particular friend bothers me*.
When I started dating my husband, I saw a subtle red flag in the fact that when he bought me my first gift he bought her another of the same. I noticed he was thinking of her at the same time he was with me (I was there when he bought me the present). A few weeks later I suggested we dined somewhere I had never been and he neither. He didn't take the hint. A few more weeks and I said I would like to go to that place and he said: "Oh, I have just had lunch with Mary there this week". Maybe this was the first time I felt _uncomfortable_ in my stomach.
A few more weeks and we planned our first short trip. On the eve he told me she would like to come along, because she was having problems with *her then boyfriend (now husband)*. I freaked out!! It was the first time it made me _unbalanced_, but I didn't do it in front of him. He sorted things out and the woman didn't travel with us. I thought those things wouldn't happen anymore.
A few months later he spent a year abroad and on the Valentine's eve he said via Facetime: "I wouldn't like to take the chance to live here [the other country], because I have many special people there, such as you and Mary." It was a total downer on me and I considered breaking up with him on the following day. I spent weeks planning on breaking up but didn't want to do that from a distance, but when he came back I didn't break up. We spent a few weeks together for his autumn break and then he went back abroad for a few more months, until he came back.
Long story short. 
He chose her as his witness for our wedding but *requested me to not bother her* during the preparations. I didn't even know what she would dress.
She got pregnant around the time of our wedding and my husband would occasionally tell me that he would go for a coffee with her. *He would tell me when the meet-up was about to happen or maybe after it did.* There were, during the dating period, occasions when he was already having lunch with her (a committed woman) and I was never invited to tag along. It was *their* lunches. *Their* coffee meet-ups they used to have long ago I showed up. How could I see something odd in that if her partner didn't? (Today I suspect he may even not know about it.)
One night I come from work and he asks me to borrow the car. I ask him where he goes. He looks blank and doesn't say anything. Half an hour he is back and tells me he went helping her pick a baby stroller she had bought. For the first time I grew the balls to make her husband take notice. I politely texted him asking if everything was ok because she needed help and my husband helped her with the stroller. The man played cool and say it was ok.
My husband yelled at me that night (I didn't yell at him, instead I curled up and sat on the floor). He said if I tore them apart he wouldn't leave me. First our life would become hell and then he would leave me. This was the time I saw the worst in him. I hate yelling. I felt ashamed. Our neighborhood could hear him yell at me saying those terrible things of leaving me.
A few weeks later we went to the sea on a pre-planned trip. He talked about her on inappropriate occasions, such as saying he wouldn't like to go somewhere lest she wouldn't like he didn't go with her (she was in the same city on the occasion). It was my meltdown. When we were back in town I took a business trip to clear my mind.
The woman is going to deliver a few weeks from now and she will stay in another city for a couple of months.
I am planning a divorce because I don't want a marriage like that. I don't want to make things separate from my husband (coffee meet-ups with opposite sex friends, business travels I don't need to) just because he does things apart from me. I don't. And he knows I don't. He chose a woman that doesn't. *His female friend, however, is full of male friends and my husband is just one of them.*
The other husband is clueless and I don't mind, really. I have my own problems.
*Do you believe he married me while in love with her? Or is he in limerence?* Maybe he couldn't fulfill his desire and still hopes someday he will. Is there any difference? *What lies ahead on the road if I stay?*


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Julieee85 said:


> *Do you believe he married me while in love with her? Or is he in limerence?* Maybe he couldn't fulfill his desire and still hopes someday he will. Is there any difference? *What lies ahead on the road if I stay?*


Yes. He's in love with her and married you because she won't commit to him. They are enjoying the thrill of cheating and don't want to mess it up.

You are plan B. The OW will either leave her husband, or she will leave your husband. Eventually. It may be decades from now before anything changes.

If you stay?
If she leaves your husband, then your hubby has a waiting subservient wife to come home to. Someone who he can treat any way he wants and you won't leave. You'll make his dinner and draw his bath or whatever things you do for him. But you won't make him stay faithful to you and that's perfect for him. He can then start his search for the next floozy, and you'll come right back here asking what to do.

The only way to get his attention is with a divorce-sized baseball bat. Go to a lawyer and file for divorce. Then you'll start to see the truth about who he is.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

No question that he is in love with her. He told you in no uncertain terms that she is more important than you. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she is pregnant with his child.

What lies ahead if you stay? A lifetime of not trusting your husband. Wondering if he is with the women he really loves. Disappointment in knowing you aren't the most important woman in your husband's life.

The question I think you need to be trying to answer is why did you see all the warning signs but married him anyway.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Julieee85 said:


> Hi, I would like to have an honest perspective of men on this. If I seem naïve, that's ok. I really was. I suspect my husband married me while in love with a female friend.
> I have been married for nine months and we have been together for three years and two months. His friendship with her dates 7 years.
> He only recently admitted that he came to feel a tension between them early in their friendship, but that was it. According to him, it was so vague he decided not to pursue it and not lose the friendship. Nothing more. He also told me that there were one or two occasions when she stayed over in his place (and nothing more), when both were single, I assumed. It was many years before I came into the picture.
> Their Facebooks are full of pictures of both together in business trips, meet-ups with friends etc. They used to be university colleagues. Both are professors in different institutions now.
> ...


He's always been in love with her, she possibly has always been as well...they just don't want the commitment.


He married you first and foremost because you allowed it.....

Also because you were available and he wanted to use you to portray a "loving" husband to the world....


Also, it's probably one of their aphrodisiacs and huge turn ONS.....


The thrill and excitement of sneaking around when one or both have partners.

Divorce.

You'll never win his heart.

Next time don't intentionally ignore the red flags and keep continuing dating.





Learn to love yourself more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Absolutely he was and is in love with her but she may not be in love with him, now or ever, and that’s probably why they aren’t together. If you stayed, your future with him would be the same as your past. You would always be in second place — that’s no way to live. If he begs you to stay, don’t consider it for a moment because that other relationship won’t end unless she wants it to. Even if it does, there’s no reason to think suddenly he’s going to be a great husband. Restart your life— without him.


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## Julieee85 (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No question that he is in love with her. He told you in no uncertain terms that she is more important than you. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she is pregnant with his child.
> 
> What lies ahead if you stay? A lifetime of not trusting your husband. Wondering if he is with the women he really loves. Disappointment in knowing you aren't the most important woman in your husband's life.
> 
> _*The question I think you need to be trying to answer is why did you see all the warning signs but married him anyway.*_


This is the question of the year. 
Q: *W*_*hy did you see all the warning signs but married him anyway?*_
A: Because I was so desperate after years of self-pity that I decided that a relationship would give me love, companionship and intimacy I didn't have with family/friends etc. Because I needed some social validation and respect from being married (to be honest). Because I didn't trust my own instincts and had trouble respecting my own values. Instead I buried them to defend something "modern", this female-male friendship cr4p that only wrecks everything and if you disagree you are jealous, insecure and a terrible person with t-r-u-s-t-i-n-g issues. Trusting issues? I believe my trusting issues stem from having trusted too much, not the other way around.
The list goes on. I even had a dream of my parents asking me why I got married and I couldn't answer. On that day my husband told me he had felt a tension in the beginning of their friendship and even rationalized: Well, you might have felt the same for your male friends. What? Wasn't he the one always saying there was never any second thought behind the friendship? Not that I didn't know he had a crush on her, but after hearing it it was like the confession I needed.
Thank you for your valid and necessary question. Yes, I got it wrong yesterday. Today I can do something different.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Delete.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Your scenario sounds like one I'm familiar with. One of my best friends has been absolutely in love with one of his high school classmates for years. They were intimate once in their teens and she friend zoned him soon afterwards. He did date others, but I get the feeling he hung around for years hoping she would feel the same. He was definitely her shoulder to cry on during those years. Dropping everything at a moment's notice. Eventually he married, but I still think his heart was with her.

I am not saying your situation is exactly the same but it looks similar to me. You've given him an ultimatum and I agree that you shouldn't have to tolerate this kind of behavior.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Julieee85 said:


> Hi, I would like to have an honest perspective of men on this. If I seem naïve, that's ok. I really was. I suspect my husband married me while in love with a female friend.
> I have been married for nine months and we have been together for three years and two months. His friendship with her dates 7 years.
> He only recently admitted that he came to feel a tension between them early in their friendship, but that was it. According to him, it was so vague he decided not to pursue it and not lose the friendship. Nothing more. He also told me that there were one or two occasions when she stayed over in his place (and nothing more), when both were single, I assumed. It was many years before I came into the picture.
> Their Facebooks are full of pictures of both together in business trips, meet-ups with friends etc. They used to be university colleagues. Both are professors in different institutions now.
> ...


Sort of reminds me of a common story, like the Marriage of Prince Charles to Diana and their July 29, 1981 wedding with Camilla Parker Bowles attending. We all know how that story ended.

You need to set some boundaries on what behavior you will and not tolerate in you marriage and your H needs to understand those boundaries.

Good luck.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Look, unless she looks like Quasimodo he has a crush on her.
He yelled at you because he did put you back where you belong to. Back raw.

If you and her were stuck in a burning house he'll run to rescue her and then he'll take care of her outside while you die in the burning building.
It wouldn't matter to him. He wouldn't even turn around to take a final look at you.
Damn, no! He would go as far as kicking you out of his way even further into the flames without looking at you, while attempting to rescue her.

Keep this scenario in your head. Recall it whenever you start to doubt he has a crush on her.

She doesn't want him. He sounds like a weak guy. She has several admirers. If she wanted him, she would be with him. He is her purse.
He is just hanging around hoping to get a chance one day.


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## Julieee85 (3 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Sort of reminds me of a common story, like the Marriage of Prince Charles to Diana and their July 29, 1981 wedding with Camilla Parker Bowles attending. We all know how that story ended.
> 
> You need to set some boundaries on what behavior you will and not tolerate in you marriage and your H needs to understand those boundaries.
> 
> Good luck.


Maybe some people are Wired into the belief that time and love conquers all. Some women think they might win over a man's heart and I have been taught time and time again that this doesn't happen.
One of the few times I discussed this relationship when it started having huge problems a woman gave me this example. In the end It Is the story of a man telling a woman that he settled for her and she'd better deal with that or... Terrible ending. The world sees the end of the Fairy Tale with the mistress becoming the Queen. And in my commoner case my self-esteem today shows me that I am not even better (lookswise) than the mistress. Of course this Is bitterness talking.
Thank you for your insight.


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## Julieee85 (3 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Look, unless she looks like Quasimodo he has a crush on her.
> He yelled at you because he did put you back where you belong to. Back raw.
> 
> If you and her were stuck in a burning house he'll run to rescue her and then he'll take care of her outside while you die in the burning building.
> ...


Yes, I will try to hold on to this picture. It is helpful, indeed, to make it crystal clear where priority lies. Thank you for your thoughts.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I’m sad for you. I agree with the others. You deserve to be the center of someone’s universe. If he accepts a divorce without a crazy fight then you’ll know you have done the right thing. I had the same thought about this sounding like the royal marriage. Good luck. Stay strong.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Please start making an exit plan and plans for individual therapy. At this point, he’s made it quite clear that you’re a placeholder.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Julieee85 said:


> Maybe some people are Wired into the belief that time and love conquers all. Some women think they might win over a man's heart and I have been taught time and time again that this doesn't happen.
> One of the few times I discussed this relationship when it started having huge problems a woman gave me this example. In the end It Is the story of a man telling a woman that he settled for her and she'd better deal with that or... Terrible ending. The world sees the end of the Fairy Tale with the mistress becoming the Queen. And in my commoner case my self-esteem today shows me that I am not even better (lookswise) than the mistress. Of course this Is bitterness talking.
> Thank you for your insight.


He doesn’t want you. You’re there and he won’t make the effort to divorce. But he doesn’t love you. This is incredibly sad.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You need to end this relationship. Now. Has he ever put you first? I’d file for divorce and go no contact. What a nightmare.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Bloody hell, I know love is supposedly blind but I cannot understand how you did not see this coming.

As for your husband and Mary he is blind as well, he is and probably always was and always will be in her friend zone an orbiter as it were.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Yea, unfortunately, your husband is obsessed with this woman. Are they having an affair or is she just using him as her emotional tampon. I suspect that he is in her friend zone but he’s it giving up. 

That he’s not that into you doesn’t reflect on you as a woman. He should it have married you and to be honest, you should have cut him off long ago. The unhealthy signs were there a long time ago. You should file for D and not look back. There’s a guy out there who will treasure you above all others. The first step to finding that is to get rid of your husband. Let him continue to chase after another man’s wife without you in the picture.

PS, is her husband suspicious of their behavior or is he ok with your husband being so involved with her?


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

@ Julieee85 At the very least, there is NOT enough emotional space in between the two. Sounds to me like that lady is using your husband as an orbiter just in case things don't work out with her husband. Either that or he was her "friend with benefits" at one point or another. The fact that she has many male friends tells me she is not well liked among females for a reason: they do not trust her.

If you're not doing anything that would prompt him to start looking elsewhere (withholding sex, you physically and/or emotionally letting yourself go, not doing your fair share at home, etc) there DEFINITELY is something going on. To me it sounds more like infatuation than love, but it does warrant your attention nonetheless. Try to contact her husband and explain to him what you are going through. I bet he is going to be empathetic (I sincerely doubt he does NOT have an issue with his wife's outgoing attitude with other males) to your plight.

Let me very clear (as a male): His role, provided you're fulfilling your role as a wife, is to give you AND ONLY YOU his undivided attention. ANY and ALL other close friendships MUST take a backseat to you. YOU, and only YOU should be the center of his world.

Am I clear?


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## Julieee85 (3 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Yea, unfortunately, your husband is obsessed with this woman. Are they having an affair or is she just using him as her emotional tampon. I suspect that he is in her friend zone but he’s it giving up.
> 
> That he’s not that into you doesn’t reflect on you as a woman. He should it have married you and to be honest, you should have cut him off long ago. The unhealthy signs were there a long time ago. You should file for D and not look back. There’s a guy out there who will treasure you above all others. The first step to finding that is to get rid of your husband. Let him continue to chase after another man’s wife without you in the picture.
> 
> *PS, is her husband suspicious of their behavior or is he ok with your husband being so involved with her?*


Hi, jsmart! I think the other husband is an alienated and unexperienced man who may even _perceive_ that things are odd but *chose* to bury his own perceptions to favor his wife. In two recent social interactions he made remarks on insecure women and I believe he was talking about me and *another* wife of *another male friend* of his wife. I came to meet this _other wife_ during a party and the woman looked miserable and depressed. When things were put into context, her own husband behaves pretty much like "Mary" (the OW in my story). That is to say: this is a bunch of people who are toxic to their partners and didn't choose to marry alike people, instead went for submissive trusting ones, like me and this sad woman.
*Back to the other husband: he seems to buy his wife's perspective and gangs up with her*, yet I sense he is trying to _delude_ himself and I don't know how much he knows about what his wife really does. She tried to travel with me and my husband saying she had fought with him, and I don't think he is aware of this. *The first time I ever saw her she dodged his calls on the bar table and later picked them up and lied that she hadn't seen those calls.* She also lied to my husband about something I had to do with and my point is that I have proof that she is a liar and a manipulative person, so I believe her husband in inside a bubble of manipulation.
I believe she doesn't let her husband know about the one-to-one coffee meet-ups with my husband. Due to other facts, I assume her husband's Facebook wall is set so he doesn't see her constant pictures of hers and her male friends. She is such a social person yet there is nothing about her primary relationship for people to see.
I don't think her husband knows:
his wife sends my husband pictures in beachwear (even if she is wearing a soft beach dress over the bikini);
his wife texts my husband to schedule one-to-one lunches and coffee meet-ups
his wife texts my husband about dreams she had last night (even if those aren't sexual dreams)
his wife fishes to pull some conversations when things are quiet and then she asks my husband things she could find on Google.
his wife, as any reasoning being, knows my husband has ever had an interest on her and still goes on with the emotional intimacy

*The reality her husband sees is how she depicts it to him.* In this reality, it is normal that a woman has a separate emotional life in which her husband is absent. In this reality, whoever questions how abnormal things are has a problem. *This man doesn't even question why he gave a separate wedding gift to my husband and I whilst his wife didn't give anything. *And they were our witnesses (something like a best man and a bridesmaid along with another couple)! 
This husband believes she is the best woman he could have and doesn't seem to realize he is attractive and could be with a more respectful woman. He is 34, she is 39 and her whole environment is filled with male friends. I don't believe he is a cheater, too. He seems to be a trusting person and like a manipulated person he questions those who question his reality and stay clear from them. In fact I believe* he has become annoyed with me* for me pointing out (very subtly) that things are weird. I have become the weakest of the four. The three of them spouse the same vision (no pun intended) that I may be the wrong one. She has manipulated my husband and hers. Well, I am not blaming women, but manipulative women and weak-minded men do exist. Also fooled women as myself.


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## Julieee85 (3 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> *Try to contact her husband and explain to him what you are going through*. *I bet he is going to be empathetic* (I sincerely doubt he does NOT have an issue with his wife's outgoing attitude with other males) to your plight.
> 
> Let me very clear (as a male): His role, provided you're fulfilling your role as a wife, is to give you AND ONLY YOU his undivided attention. ANY and ALL other close friendships MUST take a backseat to you. YOU, and only YOU should be the center of his world.
> 
> Am I clear?


Hi, BoSlander! Yes I tried to give the other husband some clues of what is going on, but his mind is already made that I and another wife of another friend of hers are the women who have problems. The other one already seems to be depressed and miserable. In my case, they are trying to figure me out and I guess I had the help of my own husband in their constant one-to-one meet-ups. I already overheard from this other husband that my husband didn't know me well, that there are some insecure jealous people over there etc. *The other husband seem to believe I am wrong so that his wife and the reality she's created is right.*


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Julieee85 said:


> Hi, jsmart! I think the other husband is an alienated and unexperienced man who may even _perceive_ that things are odd but *chose* to bury his own perceptions to favor his wife. In two recent social interactions he made remarks on insecure women and I believe he was talking about me and *another* wife of *another male friend* of his wife. I came to meet this _other wife_ during a party and the woman looked miserable and depressed. When things were put into context, her own husband behaves pretty much like "Mary" (the OW in my story). That is to say: this is a bunch of people who are toxic to their partners and didn't choose to marry alike people, instead went for submissive trusting ones, like me and this sad woman.
> *Back to the other husband: he seems to buy his wife's perspective and gangs up with her*, yet I sense he is trying to _delude_ himself and I don't know how much he knows about what his wife really does. She tried to travel with me and my husband saying she had fought with him, and I don't think he is aware of this. *The first time I ever saw her she dodged his calls on the bar table and later picked them up and lied that she hadn't seen those calls.* She also lied to my husband about something I had to do with and my point is that I have proof that she is a liar and a manipulative person, so I believe her husband in inside a bubble of manipulation.
> I believe she doesn't let her husband know about the one-to-one coffee meet-ups with my husband. Due to other facts, I assume her husband's Facebook wall is set so he doesn't see her constant pictures of hers and her male friends. She is such a social person yet there is nothing about her primary relationship for people to see.
> I don't think her husband knows:
> ...


The husband shouldn't be of any concern to you. You've already hinted to him about you not being comfortable with the relationship your husband has with his wife. He obviously doesn't care or doesn't want to hear it. You should just be concerned with you. What are you going to do?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Julieee85 said:


> I have been married for nine months


Do not get pregnant, get a divorce. Possibly you can get an annulment.

I'm rarely this blunt about divorce.

The OW sounds like she has gaslighted her BH into acceptance and may be quite the narcissist.

Classic to pretend the victims have problems.

This will never get better.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Julieee85 said:


> Hi, BoSlander! Yes I tried to give the other husband some clues of what is going on, but his mind is already made that I and another wife of another friend of hers are the women who have problems. The other one already seems to be depressed and miserable. In my case, they are trying to figure me out and I guess I had the help of my own husband in their constant one-to-one meet-ups. I already overheard from this other husband that my husband didn't know me well, that there are some insecure jealous people over there etc. *The other husband seem to believe I am wrong so that his wife and the reality she's created is right.*


Well, bull snafoo! YOU are the wife. YOU have no business fighting with another woman for emotional elbow space. YOU are supposed to be the center of his life. 

Since you've already spoken to the husband and got a negative response, I suggest you have an open-hearted conversation with your husband and put down CLEAR and DIRECT boundaries so that he doesn't play dumb. At this point you have no choice but to make them non negotiable. If he is genuinely in love with the other woman, he will not accept your boundaries, at which point YOU will have to make the decision for him. If he agrees to your boundaries, even better.

Being in no-man's-land will drive you crazy.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Trust your gut. It's not lying. Stop trying to get answers from other people when you already know that your husband is alienating you. He want's what you provide for him, but he obviously isn't concerned about you as a person.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Divorce him. Seriously.

I wonder if your husband is the biological father of her child. If so, I wonder whether the other husband knows about it? Is he infertile?

Will your husband be at the hospital when her baby is born?

If there some family, religious, racial or socioeconomic reason that your husband and his “friend” could not marry each other?

(FWIW, I knew a woman who worked as a surrogate mother - her eggs and another man’s sperm. I asked her if the husbands had sex with her. She replied yes, IVF is expensive and has low effective rates, so after one attempt they would often switch to the natural method.)


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