# i don't know what to do



## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

i met my husband about 7 years ago i fell in love with him, 3 years later we decided to get married then right after that he turned out to be a someone else not the guy i fell in love with he kept putting me down he turned out to be unemployed we had to depend on my parents financially, his mother started offending me and talking badly about my family he refused to let me work he hangs out with his friends everyday but still he wouldn't let me go out at all and even if i do he keeps fighting with me when i come home.
later i got pregnant and all of a sudden he decided he doesn't want any children with me knowing he has a son from a previous marriage and so he and his mum tried to force me to get an abortion but my family stood up to them, later i lost the baby and he pretended that he feels bad about it.
after that i got purpra a blood disorder where i had to get blood transfusion every week but he'd never take me to the hospital or stand by me and again i had my family standing by me instead of him.
i got pregnant again and for the second time around he kept saying he wishes i would lose the baby again but this time i had a beautiful baby girl and now she's two years old and I'm thinking of getting a divorce for me and her, you see he sometimes hit me and calls me names and now my baby is always crying whenever anyone touches me even if someone hugs me she panics and i don't think that this is healthy and I'm also worried he would hit her when she grows a little older the problem is everyone around me ---except my parents who are very supportive--- are telling me that i should reconsider and that getting a divorce will really hurt my girl and that growing up without a father would be worse than growing up with a flawed father and now i don't know what to do i don't want to hurt my child.
am i being unfair by getting a divorce knowing that when i said i wanted i divorce he said he'd only give me a divorce if i leave him the apartment we live in but when i insisted on keeping it and he realized that legally i get it he's saying he doesn't want a divorce for our 2 year old's sake?
p.s
i gave him many chances through our marriage and every time he says it's all my fault and that i should changes cause he's a great man but I'm a real bad wife and person that's why he hits me sometimes he promises never to call me names or hit me but he ends up doing it again and for the lamest reasons like once he hit me cause i wanted to move the coffee table to the left and he insisted that it looked good in its place i didn't agree and i moved it so he hit me in-front of my daughter i know it sounds like a real lame reason and unbelievable but sadly it's true 
i realize that I'm very unorganized in my writing but I'm really torn up by this i can't sleep i can't eat i can't do anything right cause of this i can't live with him another day but i don't wanna do anything that would cause my daughter any pain sorry again for the scattered thoughts


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Anyone who is telling you to stay in a physically abusive relationship, isn't doing you right. That being said, I think it would be vital for you two to seperate, him to attend anger management counseling, for you to attend an individual counselor or a support group for battered women to learn what is and isn't acceptable. Have him attend the AM classes for at least a year and see where the progress is. NO it is not better to have your daughter watch you get beat by your H then to leave.


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

he'd never agree to going to classes like that he doesn't even admit he has any problems he thinks that all that's wrong with our relationship is my fault and i asked him straight forward "so are you saying that everything i do is wrong and everything you do is right?" and he answered without hesitation "sure" his pretty annoying to talk to plus he's about 20 years older than i am so he thinks i don't know a thing and keeps telling me I'm stupid all the time so i doubt he'll take any suggestions from me


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Then its time to set your boundaries. You take these classes or we divorce. I will no longer tolerate you physically and verbally abusing me. Leave it on the table, tell him when you need an answer by, and which ever one he chooses, you have to go through with it. Do not make empty threats. This is the one time I will insist that you HAVE to stick with what you have put out.


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

i told him and he said he can't afford it and he's asking me to give him a chance and he'll change with no classes and a lot of other great things like he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me and things like that but my family are telling me all those stuff just so he can keep the apartment cause if he loses it he'll have to move to a different state and live with his mum.
should i stay and give him another chance or not i still love him but he doesn't respect me or appreciate me when i catch a cold and ask him to fix me a cup of tea he'd laugh at me and say it's stupid to think that he ---a man--- would fix tea for me i stood by him through a lot of things i even helped him get a job and he still wouldn't let me work and the worst thing of all is that he says our baby is ugly he always tells me she looks like you and your sisters as if that is a bad thing 
i know I'm blabbing ain't i? sorry but i still think he is a good man deep inside and maybe he'll change I'm sure he loves me he always says that when he his mum passes away and he takes his heritage he'll be rich and then he'll buy me a bigger apartment and he'd get me a car and a lot of things the worst part about him is his mum see she is very controlling and she always turns him against me.
should i stay and try again


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

YouTube - I quit

There's your answer.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Then its time to set your boundaries. You take these classes or we divorce. I will no longer tolerate you physically and verbally abusing me. Leave it on the table, tell him when you need an answer by, and which ever one he chooses, you have to go through with it. Do not make empty threats. This is the one time I will insist that you HAVE to stick with what you have put out.


I disagree, I think you should leave immediatley. People that are violent escalate and this situation will only get worse. See if you can live with your parents for a while.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Brewster, the prolem is the violence. The only reason I told her to have a deadline is to wrap up loose ends. Find a place to stay, find a way to get her stuff and the baby's stuff out of there while he is gone, etc. She can't just walk out without risking him coming after her. A restraining order will probably be needed and some sort of arrangement for supervised visits with their daughter for him. So yeah, I stick with getting a time table, get all these things done and then go.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Alucard --- I know where this is coming from. I had way too many abusive relationships in the past, and I can see you are in the area where you want to see what he COULD be instead of what he IS. Sure, he probably could be a great man. Is he?? No. Instead of trying to hold on to the few moments where you might have been happy, you need to remember the look on your daughters face when your H hits you. You need to remember that anytime someone touches you, she gets freaked out. You need to KNOW that your life is worth so much more, and that you can have so much more just by getting out of an abusive situation. He is mentally, emotionally and physically abusing you. He won't get help, and I can't tell you that your daughter won't even be on the receiving end of his abuse. She probably will be. The post above, start getting it into action. He said he won't do it. Talk to your family about moving in. Set a date with them. Ask if your parents can help you get your stuff out of the house at that same time. Find out what you need to get a Restraining Order. Ask your parents to HELP YOU. They love you, they will want to do what they can to protect you!!


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*You know what to do - end it*

Alucard,

You know what to do - end it quickly.

For your safety and your child's safety listen to Dawn. Move out and get a restraining order. Violence whether physical or verbal is not acceptable.

Mark


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

well i spoke with my parents and they both agree and they're saying that it's the right thing to do they even got me a lawyer and all but ---i know i sound typical--- what if their was a chance to make this marriage work and I'm just bailing out, what if I'm a little more patient i could save this marriage, and my daughter needs a father.
i just wanna be sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm doing the right thing


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You aren't bailing out on your marriage, you are bailing out on being abused. Being abused isn't a marriage. You know that in your heart of hearts. 

No one is telling you to move out and file for divorce that day. I am saying to move out, file for a legal seperation, get a restraining order for yourself and your parents house, set up supervised visits for himself and your daughter. IF he can attend anger management and prove to you that he has changed over a length of time, then you can make a choice. But you can't make a choice based solely on the fact that you would feel bad about your daughter not having him around daily. It isn't helpful for her to see her father hit her mother. It isn't healthy for her to hear her father call her ugly. None of that is something that you should take as her missing him. 

I do believe that Hunt Brown has the down low on anger management classes, and even has some info on ones that are free, or small fee to attend. Ask him. Get the info for your H, leave it for him after you are gone. You can leave him a letter with your boundaries (which you should discuss with a counselor of your own). 

I know its scary honey. I really do. But at this point you only have something to gain. It probably doesn't feel like it, but you do. Get the ball rolling. Talk to the lawyer your parents got you about setting all this up.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Brewster, the prolem is the violence. The only reason I told her to have a deadline is to wrap up loose ends. Find a place to stay, find a way to get her stuff and the baby's stuff out of there while he is gone, etc. She can't just walk out without risking him coming after her. A restraining order will probably be needed and some sort of arrangement for supervised visits with their daughter for him. So yeah, I stick with getting a time table, get all these things done and then go.


:iagree: OK I stand corrected!

OP he will have to hit rock bottom to even be willing to change. Even if he says he is working on changing how will you know if he is just trying to manipulate you into comming back? I think you should look into classes that teach about abusive relationships so you know about the cycle of violence but do that after getting your exit plan in play and getting out of that house. I also recommend not letting him know about your plans or discussing them with him.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

alucard_rux said:


> well i spoke with my parents and they both agree and they're saying that it's the right thing to do they even got me a lawyer and all but ---i know i sound typical--- *what if their was a chance to make this marriage work and I'm just bailing out, what if I'm a little more patient i could save this marriage, and my daughter needs a father*.
> i just wanna be sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm doing the right thing


What if there was a chance you could be happy with someone who loved and adored your every breath?

And as speaking from a child who has watched her mother be physically and mentally abused almost my entire life, your daughter is much better off without a father like that.

I can't tell you the mental and emotional baggage I have from the "father figures" I've had in my life, I would have been so much happier to just have mommy, than have to watch her be beat on, beat down, and walk around like an empty shell of a person.

kids don't need a stereo typical "mom and dad" setting, they just need good parenting in a healthy safe environment, and right now, your daughter isn't getting that.


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

i filed for divorce may seem a little sudden but while i was still considering this he apparently couldn't careless about neither me nor our baby see we just had a fight yesterday and he kept screaming at me and called me names and said he'd throw us out and so i called my uncle he came and warned him of getting near me in anyway you see my family can stand up to him but the thing is i never told anyone about all of that except very recently so they promised to keep me safe from him but the reason i filed for divorce is my daughter after my uncle came and took him away she kept holding me and crying for like an hour and nothing i did calmed her down i couldn't bear see her that way i would do anything for her to be safe and happy


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am sorry that you had to go through all this emotional turmoil, but I really do think getting him out of your life is whats best for you and your daughter. Make sure you do your follow thru and get the restraining order and the supervised visits with your daughter. If your lawyer can swing it so you don't have to see him at drop off or pick up that would be best. Vent here, cry here, use your family and your support system. And its okay to miss the things about him that you loved. Grieve the loss of the things you loved. But don't let grief keep you in a life that holds you down. Show your daughter that you are a strong confident woman and show her how to be one. Best of luck and keep posting, it really does help.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So after this settles down make sure to take some classes in codependancy as Im sure your self esteem has taken a big hit and you need to know about the cycle of violence as well as taking steps not to get involved with another man like this one. Im sure you say that would never happen but it does unless you get some help it is a vicious cycle.


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## virtuous1 prov.31 (Aug 19, 2010)

It's at times like this when we're at a crossroad in life, when we have to take the bad, the ugly and see the even bigger picture. I like to say "Everything happens for a reason". Your divorce filing was for a reason. You saw a problem that had to be resolved and unfortunately the safest and logical way out was through the ending result of divorce. I commend you, because you took a very big step not just for yourself, but for your daughter and her future. You considered her upbringing first; which is what your supposed to do as a parent. Children look for their parent(s) to protect them while their still learning the world. 

You've just saved your daughter from a lot of miserable heartache and pain while she's still growing. You have to ask yourself, since your at this crossroad or chapter in your life, is it time for a change. Perhaps, a change for a goal or desire that you've been waiting patiently to work towards. 

You see this is when you begin to pick up the pieces of your life and the part where pieces will begin to fit back together in life the way they should be. I read your statement that said "your husband didn't want you to work", well now is the time to start thinking about what accomplishment you want to make in your life and the methods you are open to using to obtain your goal after your divorce is final. 

I hope every word of encouragement, opinion or advice that everyone left here helped you in some way or another. I like to leave you with the note I tell many others and that's to "always let your light shine".




[email protected]


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I am so glad you chose to be healthy and live a happy life by leaving him. I wish you the very best! Please keep us informed of how you are doing during and after the divorce!!


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

well it's taking too long and now i know i did the right thing by filing for divorce coz since then till now he never called to check on his daughter he didn't come to see her not even once he saw us on the street i expected him to say hello to her not to me like he did before but he looked and her and then walked the other way and my poor daughter was shocked she wanted to go to him but he ignored her he turned to be a different man my mum says i should be glad coz i'm getting rid of him but i love him i miss him and at the same time i despise him and i hate him


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

the worst part of it all is that now it is like he forgot all about me i mean i would never go back to him no matter what but it sure as hell would have felt better if he would try to talk to me even once it is like he sold me out on the spot as if all this years i spent with him meant nothing like he never loved me while i loved him so much i gave many many things and he gave me nothing and at the end i love him and apparently he dont give a damn about me or my daughter


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

even though everyone just stopped checking back or telling me anything but i figured i should let you all know that I'm going back to him you see he came over yesterday and he promised that he would change he admitted he screwed up big time -which he never did before- and he kept begging me to take him back he was even crying and so i told that ill think about it but now i decided to take him back the only thing that's bothering me a little is that my parents said that they don't like it and since he offended them a little before so they insist that he must apologize to them so they can deal with him again and also they said that they aren't going to help me financially anymore they said if I'm gonna go back to him we must be fully independent which i admit we never were we always depended on my parents to loan us money every month and we didn't always pay them back and my daughter they buy her everything i don't understand why are they being so harsh and unfair they should support my decisions whatever they are right?


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## bunnicula (Oct 30, 2010)

Keep the HELL away from this man. He is abusive and he is NOT a good person. He is manipulative and dangerous. You are exposing your baby to severe emotional and probable physical trauma. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT take him back.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

It isn't harsh and unfair for your parents to tell you that if you are going back to your abusive husband that you need to be independent of them. They don't want to support a man who is knocking their daughter around. If you are old enough to have a family and choose to be in an abusive relationship then you need to accept the financial burden as well. You can't expect them to pay your bills forever can you?

It isn't that they don't love you, it is that they can't support your situation. You are putting yourself in a bad one, and they can't be there waiting to send you off and pay your bills. They are giving you a choice, it is up to you to make it. 

He apologized, great, but what is he going to do about all this? Is he going to change? Is he going to take classes? Is he going to therapy? What is he doing now that he knows your parents won't help out with money?? How are you guys going to pay for things? What happens the first time you disagree with him??


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

he swore he changed and he promised that he is never going to act the way he used to ever again I'm working now and he knows but he didn't say a word about it and he calls me everyday to check on me and he told me i can take all the time i want but i don't want to tell him that my parents wants him to apologize cause then he might change his mind and leave and honestly i think its unnecessary and I'm not saying i want them to pay my bills but it would be nice if i know if i need to borrow some money they will be there for me i love my parents so much and i know they love me but i don't wanna be a divorced single mother and most importantly i still love him and the worst part is that my mum said she might deal with him eventually but my father would never speak to him unless he apologizes to him and mum which is unfair and not logical i don't want to lose my parents support but i also don't wanna lose my husband is that too much to ask


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

The thing is honey, change doesn't happen overnight. He can't just wake up one day and decide that he isn't going to hit you anymore. He needs guidance and help to learn how to control his temper. Just because he said he was changed, doesn't make it true. 

Its the same concept, they don't want to knowingly support you in an abusive marriage. You got out, and now you are walking back into the lion's den. They are telling you that if and when you do walk back in, you are walking alone. They will still love you unconditionally, but they can love you without supporting your decision. 

Not only should he apologize to them, he should be sitting down with your family and telling them what he intends to do to change. They KNOW he was hitting you. They KNOW what kind of husband he was to you.YOU called them to help get you out of there safe, and now you are going back. I can't honestly say that I would be chompin at the bit for my daughter to go back to an abusive relationship. 

I realize that he CAN change, but just saying he will isn't gonna cut it here honey. There are free Anger management classes, there are books he can read to learn to control his anger, there are a lot of things he can do to SHOW everyone that he has changed. Thats what it will take. Words will mean nothing at this point.

Don't really wanna ask this, but do you have low self esteem?? I don't mean this in an offensive way at all.Your last post seems more about you are worried that you will be alone instead of worried about whether or not he will smack you again. If you aren't comfortable answering its okay, just wondering really.


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

well my parents and sisters keep telling me that but that's not the point you see if i leave him I'll never get re-married because i don't want my daughter to have a stepfather I'm sure he wont love her like a father plus who would wanna be with a 28 year old single mom so it's either him or no one at all and yes i am worried about being alone i mean i can't imagine my life without someone to share it with it would be incomplete that doesn't mean I'd take him back just because I'm desperate i won't but ever since i left him i started working i started going out with my friends every now and then my parents are giving me more money but still i feel like i don't have a life i stopped cooking i go to work and then come home and keep sleeping I'm paying less attention to my daughter and i know it's not fair to her but i can't help but feel empty and flawed i know he hasn't been a good husband but at least back then i had a life
this is getting more and more complicated and confusing and I'm exhausted


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I know that it probably all makes sense in your head, but think it all out slowly. You don't want your daughter to have a step father. Why? Because he might not love her like her biological father will? When did he finally get around to coming to see his daughter when you left? Fear of the unknown is not a good reason to stay. 

I have been in abusive relationships before, where you justify going back after they hit you. They drag you back in, tear down your self esteem, make you feel worthless, smack you again, you leave and start all over again. Its time to break the cycle honey. 

You are probably depressed (with good reason, you've been throug a lot) so you need to get yourself out of this slump, get your life back on track and start doing things with your daughter that make you happy. You can find happiness, you just have to look for it. It can be seeing your daughter smile, cooking her favorite dinner, anything.


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## alucard_rux (Aug 12, 2010)

omg u were all right he came over yesterday telling me did u decide on whether we should go back together or not and i was just telling him that its gonna take time and he snapped he started telling me that he was to blame for just one thing but the rest of our fights and disagreement was all my fault he kept saying that i took everything and left him with nothing knowing that i sacrificed a lot of things to be with him he kept telling me that if i want us to make up i have to call my lawyer and forget about the divorce thing and i told him that we should talk try to make things work and the minute we go back together the case goes away but not a minute before that but he was angry about that too anywayz the point is i discovered that he hasn't changed one bit and so i told him everything i ever wanted i got it all out and now i don't think ill ever want to go back with him at all
and yea what really ticked me off was that he was like all I'm not here to beg u to forgive me i didn't do anything wrong u should be grateful i came to try work this out


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am sorry honey. We don't want to be right, but its a life lesson that you have to learn firsthand. Its hard to see it sometimes when it is happening. 

As for thinking no one would want a 28 year old single mom, screw that. I am 29, have two boys and have everything going for me! I am in college, I can raise my kids alone if I have to, I know that I deserve a partner in life that treats me well, and now I have the knowledge to tell the difference between love and scared of being alone. 

You are gonna be just fine!


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