# How do I defeat loneliness



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I had the whole evening to myself and decided to not waste it like two weekends ago.

So I went for a drive, got a bite at the mall, there was a busker festival downtown so I went and walked around and checked the performers and artists for a few hours, eventually got tired of just watching everyone else, didn't even get an opportunity for a friendly "hello" to any random stranger among the thousands. Well one nice looking lady stopped literally 1 foot beside me to take a picture of her kids, they were rambuncous but eventually settled down I said "they do pose good after all" then she gave me the creeped out look and got them out of there. WTF there is no way I was creepy?? Anyways did a little more wandering, laughed at some of the magicians, smiled at things I liked, but it was completely lonely. Finally headed home and its it the loneliest I think I've ever felt, not just all alone but with no hope. Was even feeling super confident in myself until the bitter end.

Then I realized I have not one single friend to call upon in these times, I've been so lost in just being a dad all the time I've lost touch with all my friends, put a message out on fb but no takers. And now I am realizing I really was the cause of all my problems and feel like an utter failure too. I want to turn this around but there is NOTHING I can do because no matter how much or little I try to put in it, it always comes up empty.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Try to throw yourself into a good book or movie during those times you feel really lonely. I understand what you are saying about how all these years you were a parent/spouse first. I sat around many weekends in the beginning of my divorce because I had no clue how to actually make plans and arrangements which were primarily about what I wanted to do. It seemed so odd and selfish to me.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

The best way to make friends easily is to do volunteer work. Your local Humane Society, Church Group, Elderly home ... you'll be surprised the kinds of people you meet.

One time a friend of mine volunteered to help out at an elderly home and his friends were making fun of them. One thing that didn't cross their minds is that these elderly folks have grandchildren that would come and visit them.

My friend met a gal that just knocked his socks out. It so happened that this woman adored her grandmother and visited almost daily ... and ... she just happened to be in between boyfriends.

She was so moved by him volunteering to help out the elderly that they quickly became friends. Last time I heard, they were dating.

One thing about volunteer work is that you really don't even have to get up your nerve to introduce yourself to someone. Usually the person in charge introduces you to everyone. Makes it easy for those who are shy and are out of touch.

There is a group here in Hawaii that build homes for the needy and they include men and women. It comes down to .. if you can use a hammer ... you're in. LOL

There's also a group here who get together and clean up the beaches, protects the wildlife (Monk Seals, Sea Turtles ..etc). Not only do they get to meet each other but several different tourists as well.

Hard to be lonely when you're with a group of friends....!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

You can be surrounded by millions of people, including friends, and family and you will still feel lonely. Trust me...I'm in that situation now, I laugh, I smile, but deep inside, you feel profound sadness inside, because the loneliness is borne out of something that you lost, and with it comes the knowledge, that you may not find it again. But that's not true...sadness and loneliness that comes up after a separation or divorce may seem like it's never going away, but it will eventually. It may take time, but you will learn to be genuinely happy again.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I am defeating loneliness and those crappy feelings with crown and coke. May not be the perfect way to do it, but it is better than bawling my eyes out....I am not coping well with my separation but I'm isolated whereas he is out playing. My kids are safe on the couch playing with their DS's so for now it works.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Same way here. I get out but I have my limits. There was pressure on me to go to a dance cruise tonight, and to go single. First of all, I am not going to drive 2 hours and pay $49 and then drive two hours back to be stuck in a situation where I will have to put up with old lecherous men hitting on me or doing things on the dance floor that I don't know enough about dance to protect myself from. Also, in that situation, I don't know my new acquaitances enough to rely on them to provide the kind of support I would need right now in that situation. And while I could deal with it, I'm not willing to pay that kind of time and money to deal with it. Not my idea of an evening out. 

Lon I think your idea is good but you could choose something a bit easier on yourself that a bunch of people at a festival where they are wandering around. You're looking for a shred of humanity at a street fest, it's not going to happen. Try a book club or a music class or a film club or even (I hate to say this because my mother joined one and it was pathetic, but they're probably not all that pathetic) a group like Parents Without Partners or a similar support group where you will find like-minded people who might be more apt to understand your situation of parenting and so forth without too much explanation on your part. Of course, there will be unstable people, who are in it for themselves, but come on, we've already had loads of practice dealing with that. You can easily shove them out of any conversation that is proactive until they get the hint that you're not going to repeat history with them. 

I might just look into that too. I'm not too keen on being a step-parent to other kids...but one of my other issues is thinking ahead and getting anxious so that would serve to keep me focused on the experience and not a particular outcome. Plus, you can tell a lot about someone by their kids and how they act with their kids.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Today is a veryy lonely day for me! My H was having his 2nd affair and was texting her all the time. I kicked him out in May because he was always lying, and always mean to me. He just came by to pick up my daughter and we are cordial to one another but no eye contact. He is still with his mistress and it is so hard for me at times. I still love him and get emails from him saying he was sorry and that he was a losy husband and he loves me. I started a 180 and only communicate when necessary. It is so hard, because I want to work on our 15 yr marriage and try to reconcile but cannot believe he is with the bar tramp. The lonliness is so hard. I am very close with my in laws and everyone is so upset with his behaviour.


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Lon, I am sorry for what you are going through. We have good days and bad days, don't we? The evenings when we are alone are so hard ... especially when it seems EVERYONE has someone to hang out with. I don't have friends to call on now either - all our friends were couple friends .... it's hard when you are alone and everyone is in a group. I think the ideas from kauaiguy about volunteering make a lot of sense. Even if you are not meeting that special someone, you are still helping others and feeling like you make a difference and at least that counts for something! I hope you feel better!!

FrustratedFL - stay strong! If they cheat once, they will cheat again. 7 years into my 23 year marrage my stbxh had an affair. I forgave him and we moved on. But now it has happened again and he says she is "the one". So, I think if they are looking around they will KEEP looking around. Do what is right for you and don't worry about the inlaws. I am really close with my inlaws too and they have said that I will always be a part of their family just not married to their brother/uncle etc. Good luck and stay strong.


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## 6foot5 (Jun 15, 2011)

Lon said:


> I had the whole evening to myself and decided to not waste it like two weekends ago.
> 
> So I went for a drive, got a bite at the mall, there was a busker festival downtown so I went and walked around and checked the performers and artists for a few hours, eventually got tired of just watching everyone else, didn't even get an opportunity for a friendly "hello" to any random stranger among the thousands. Well one nice looking lady stopped literally 1 foot beside me to take a picture of her kids, they were rambuncous but eventually settled down I said "they do pose good after all" then she gave me the creeped out look and got them out of there. WTF there is no way I was creepy?? Anyways did a little more wandering, laughed at some of the magicians, smiled at things I liked, but it was completely lonely. Finally headed home and its it the loneliest I think I've ever felt, not just all alone but with no hope. Was even feeling super confident in myself until the bitter end.
> 
> Then I realized I have not one single friend to call upon in these times, I've been so lost in just being a dad all the time I've lost touch with all my friends, put a message out on fb but no takers. And now I am realizing I really was the cause of all my problems and feel like an utter failure too. I want to turn this around but there is NOTHING I can do because no matter how much or little I try to put in it, it always comes up empty.


Welcome to the club !!!
I dont mean to steal your topic first of all , I just want to share my feelings at this moment , I have been bragging on this forum on/off for a while but today my "ex" moved out while I was at work , she took some of the furniture and etc.etc. but most of all she took my boy with her ... I am just crushed  Just like you ,I have nobody to turn to , Iam fckn alone , I need my son to live , I need him like the air I breath .... I have nothing at the moment ... not a single soul to cry upon , Iam pissed off , Iam everything that one can be while separation happens . Nothing positive on the horizon... Sigle / alone life sucks sht . Now , how do we go forward , how do we move on ? I geuss I have only 1 friend... booz , I just give up (


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

6foot5 said:


> Now , how do we go forward , how do we move on ? I geuss I have only 1 friend... booz , I just give up (


I rarely drink. I have a bottle of Jack in the cupboard I bought recently. It don't do any good, though. Don't give up. Posting here helps. It helps to know there are others going through the same pain that you are going through. WE CAN MAKE IT! Working out helps. Plus it gets your body ready for when you do meet that new special woman.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hi Lon, I understand how you feel. I moved out three weeks ago, and my daughter is currently with her dad while she is involved with her summer camp activities.

I go to work, and then I come home to this quiet apartment. My biggest adventure is to go out for groceries. It's pretty hard. I also am very low on friends at this time in my life. When I lived in the family home, I had a long commute, and a child and husband at home, so I just came home after work. I thought that was my job. And it was, but my friendships really diminished. As I am a shy and introverted person, I find it truly challenging to cultivate new friendships.

I am currently working on embracing the loneliness. I'm being very hermit-like, and think I will remain so through the end of summer. I've got books, and I go for a walk every evening. I am doing solo yoga in my place (no money for a class - so I can't meet people that way), and a bit of cooking.

When my daughter settles with me toward the end of August, we will begin getting her ready to start at her new high school. At that point I think I will be ready to break out a bit. No money for activities, so I'll need to find free/cheap things to do. I plan to check out what might need doing with the theater department at her school, and also seek out a local book discussion group.

My therapist supports my current "hermit" life, but warns me not to let it go on too long. He will help me to start branching out come autumn.

But tonight it's me, my cat and my books. Tomorrow night will be the same. Hang in there. You're definitely not alone.


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## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Lon..Get active in your community...

I am married and experience loneliness almost everyday. When its just my daughter and me @ home, not lonely. Soon as the H comes home or has the day off the loneliness comes...
I will be the one leaving the family home....I intend to start going to church(husband refused to go and I got lonely @ church function, every married person had spouses sitting next to them), then finding some thing/where I can give my time to something meaningful....thats the plan anyways....lol...


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## jason29927 (Aug 1, 2011)

I've taken up a new hobby (kayaking). It's helped fill the time, but only some.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hey Lon, I am still here. I was just checking in to see how you and the others are doing. Hang in there man, the loneliness has got to be tough. Although my W and I are working on reconciliation (which I don't know how that will turn out as we have had a bit of a set back) I am still having that empty feeling of loneliness. It seems like on the outside you are actually smiling and feeling some positive vibes but the feeling seems to be physical with no deep emotional impact, it's like everything inside me knows that I am where I am and I feel things, touch, smell, sight, etc but nothing gets to my heart. I don't know what it is that makes my heart so empty and unable to allow any kind of emotion into it. I guess I feel like a robot. I think that Kauaiguy has a good point about the volunteering. Maybe the gesture of giving your time for others will allow your heart to open up a little since you are being kind and loving while helping others. I don't know if that is what you are experiencing but for me, I just don't have much room in mine for more emotional hurt so I close it up. I hope you can figure out what it is that will bring you joy and the companionship you seek. Give it more time! You will get through this.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

For me, I didn' conquer the lonliness, I just moved with it....forward There are a lot of things you can do alone and have a good time. I stay on the computer and I go around the world and back in q few hours time...then I am ready for bed. Be flexible about all opportunities. Be ready to join in and help out, have fun, make memories, develop yourself into the person you want to be. Have a wonderful day.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm appreciating all the responses, I'm liking the volunteering suggestion a lot. Right now it just seems so hard to find my balance especially now as a full-time parent only half the time - goes from somewhat more overwhelming than before to way more lonely. The hope of having that partnership is now gone and that seems to be the cause for me.

I guess I'm starting to get used to this routine so maybe I will learn how to start filling my alone time with activities for myself - its not that I relied on my W to do it before because she didn't actually plan it for me she planned her own time while I devoted ALL mine to my son, not sure if it was healthy either (I'm thinking it was maybe a codependency on him). And before I met my W I had never been really good at social stuff, so it just feels like I have to go so far to get to where I want to be. Making that first contact is the hard part, breaking this isolation is so much harder than I thought it would be at this stage in my life.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't know if you like to play pool or not, but I stopped at an old watering hole last night on the way home to do just that. I sat at the bar and drank a beer with what started out to be a bunch of strangers. It led into quite a bit of conversation, even someone buying me a shot of tequila for my service to our country. (I don't drink so I had to hang around longer than planned for the effect to wear off before driving home, lol.) One man even told me he has a furnished apartment for rent for $350 per month. I played several games of pool with a gentleman that was sitting alone. We had a good time. It made me realize that there are plenty of us lonely people out there. Find something you enjoy and there will be others there enjoying it as well. You don't have to even know them to have fun with them if it is a common interest.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hurting, yeah I think thats what I need to do, just something I enjoy (aside from more alone time) but I seem to have some sort of avoidance issue that keeps me from getting out. I get up off the couch or from in front of the computer reach for my shoes to get out then realize I want a shower before I head out, then realize before I have a shower I need to get some clean clothes but they are all dirty, so start getting laundry, then see that the hampers are full of towels I need to put away first, but the shelves are full of junk I need to sort out/throw away and on and on. Its just this whole overwhelming pattern of self-defeating choices I have set up for myself. Breaking this pattern is the part I need to get over to get my life back on track because I'm spending all my time not letting myself do the things I enjoy. Its just frustrating because the times I do break out of that pattern there is nobody there to acknowledge it, nor do I come out finding a reason for wanting to do it any more it is just me myself and I all the time. If I could find a place where others are looking to reach out too maybe I would find some motivation but I'm feeling tired of the empty feeling and afraid of more failure (don't want to keep banging my head on the wall) Anyways thanks for letting me bounce my thoughts around here. There is a guy I know from school that recently started a job where I work we seem to have some things in common and he may be a good friend to just get out and hang out with, maybe we can find some trouble.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> There is a guy I know from school that recently started a job where I work we seem to have some things in common and he may be a good friend to just get out and hang out with, maybe we can find some trouble.


Do it! Ask. There's safety in numbers (sorry, old cliche but true), you will probably be more willing to do things and get more chances to step out of your comfort zone if you get out with a buddy than if you were on your own. If it is the first step to getting you going out, then I think it would be definitely worth a try.

I am willing to bet he wouldn't mind doing a guys night out. Try to unwind and just be yourself whereever you go. I understand the whole apprehension of going out by yourself. Heck, I am trying it this weekend. Going to a nearby beach town, doing some fishing and then golf the next day. I don't know how all that will work out doing it by myself but we will see. Maybe it will give me some time to reflect on how I want to live my life for the next 20 or so years.

But dude, go out and enjoy yourself; you have nothing to regret or be ashamed of about who you are or what happened so allow yourself to be happy.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> I get up off the couch or from in front of the computer reach for my shoes to get out then realize I want a shower before I head out, then realize before I have a shower I need to get some clean clothes but they are all dirty, so start getting laundry, then see that the hampers are full of towels I need to put away first, but the shelves are full of junk I need to sort out/throw away and on and on. Its just this whole overwhelming pattern of self-defeating choices I have set up for myself.


I understand that completely. I have become quite incompetent in many ways over the past several months. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I think the friend at work sounds good. Once you get a ball rolling, it is much easier to keep it rolling and even increase speed. The getting started is the hard part. You've got friends and support here. You are not alone.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks for the encouragement... I know I'll be way better when I actually have some things going in life that I enjoy, it just feels like I've been given such a setback, that I have to start from the very beginning again. I have a couple other good friends too but not a lot in common and they are busy with their own interests and lives. Anyways life is good (or so I tell myeslef), I just need it to be BETTER!!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> that I have to start from the very beginning again.


But this time you are older and wiser. I laughed when I got carded last night at the bar I stopped at to play pool. I told the kid checking my ID that I was legally drinking beer in that very bar before he was born. Well, close anyway. It is like starting over. But this time you have the experience to make it better.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> But this time you are older and wiser. I laughed when I got carded last night at the bar I stopped at to play pool. I told the kid checking my ID that I was legally drinking beer in that very bar before he was born. Well, close anyway. It is like starting over. But this time you have the experience to make it better.


Lol, I can't remember the last time I was carded, atleast 10 years ago (I'm only 35!) Though the strain of my marriage did take its toll on my hairline. but you are right at least with age comes some wisdom!


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## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> It is like starting over. But this time you have the experience to make it better.


I like this very much! I just started getting 'out there', it's weird going to bars, I feel old, but I'm having fun. What's interesting is I feel like I have this little Buddha on my shoulder now, noticing my patterns, keeping it real, whereas in the past I just did whatever and usually caused myself more pain than necessary.

One thing the separation does provide that's positive: self growth.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> Lol, I can't remember the last time I was carded, atleast 10 years ago (I'm only 35!)



They said they have to card everyone that comes in. I believe they decided it was a great marketing plan. Card the old farts to make them feel like they look young. They'll come back just to get carded. lol


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> They said they have to card everyone that comes in. I believe they decided it was a great marketing plan. Card the old farts to make them feel like they look young. They'll come back just to get carded. lol


Ha ha, I got carded for the first time in over a decade a couple weekends ago at a "gentlemens club". My friends 23yr old son walked right in, you might be onto something! 

The one thing I noticed about the other bars we went to was I had no problem finding the single women my age, as a dad I've only gone to pubs where most people are married or just hanging out.

I'm not ready to hook-up right now but cruising the 20 something bars for 30 something women could be great! 

I was having fun flirting with the ol gals and could tell we were all feeding off the party kids and their positive energy (And I was not much of a player in my 20's). Find an excuse to get out there Lon!:smthumbup:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Wrench said:


> I was having fun flirting with the ol gals and could tell we were all feeding off the party kids and their positive energy


It's a totally different game now. At one point, I was sitting at the bar with 2 30 something women and 1 20 something woman. The 30 something women got to talking about sex with their exes and laughing about size, frequency, quality, etc. It was pretty funny. The 20 something looked like she was a little uncomfortable with that part of the conversation. 20 years ago, I may have felt uncomfortable. I was having a ball. Maybe being a little longer in the tooth has some advantages. :smthumbup:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

LON, I just had an idea. Were you ever in the military? I just got an email from a girlfriend of a fellow Marine planning a party for him. He's like a brother and always will be, regardless of how far apart we are. Any old friends like that? High school, college, anything? That email opened my thought process to think back and re-kindle old friendships. Just a thought. I hope you're doing well.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey Hurting, no military for me, though I've met so many people through work over the years I'm sure there is someone that would enjoy reconnecting. Thanks again for the thoughts, I'm doing alright, was good to be at work today, took some extra long breaks talking life with the guys, was a good day. Now I'm home alone but feeling energetic so I will put this to good use, get some exercise make something healthy to eat!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Lon, your post is inspiring. 
Im at my last 30 days til divorce day at the end of this month.
I dont know where I am going to go live, or if financing will be approved for a place. Right now I am hoping there will be things to do around the new place to keep my mind going. But then again I may slump into the couch, plug in the xbox, and level up quite a bit on some Call of Duty. 
I will get custody of my daughter every other week, but I will also be alone in the weeks in between. I dont really know what I will do during those times. Trim the lawn with nail clippers? Admire my stamp collection? LOL.
I got a few friends that I have been going and hanging out with on one or two days of the weekend. One has a girl the same age as my daughter so its nice to be able to bring her too. 
If it werent so gawdawful hot down here there'd be quite a bit of barbeque going on too. Its about time for some ribs and brisket, methinks.
As of right now, even with all the glorious hopes in my head about a house of my own, and taking care of business, I havent really started any of it yet, much less do I know if and where I will be living.
It is somehow a part of my nature that when I complete the smallest task (laundry, or a project of some sort) that I get a sense of value from it or worth. Not for myself but for having completed it. I reach ruts where I let things go and it appears to become a big list of things that are daunting. But a little headway, a little progress and its fuel for doing more. 
I hope to get a place that I can do some work on to turn it into my own. Someones old foreclosure, maybe run down, maybe holes in the walls, etc., but just let me at it!! Kinda wish I had a truck to haul lumber and tiles, etc. 
Think I will also renew my fishing license and hit the Gulf. 
Im freaking "done" with the sadness b.s. It has not served me well.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> ...It is somehow a part of my nature that when I complete the smallest task (laundry, or a project of some sort) that I get a sense of value from it or worth. Not for myself but for having completed it. I reach ruts where I let things go and it appears to become a big list of things that are daunting. But a little headway, a little progress and its fuel for doing more.


I know EXACTLY what you mean I am wired the same way and it has been a long time since I've gotten any decent projects done. I've been in maintenance mode on the house keeping it generally tidy, but it needs a good cleaning and I have soooo much stuff to go through and sell/donate/give away it has just been sitting there waiting for me to get my momentum going again.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Did you talk to your buddy at work? I have a wingman arranged for Thursday night. My brother is single and we're going to meet at a bar Thursday night to play some pool. That particular bar also happens to have a nice dance floor. 15 years ago, Thursday nights were quite busy. Lots of things have changed since then, so who knows. It will be good having him there to hang out with.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hurting, yeah I chat with my buddy at work, but coordinating stuff hasn't worked so far... Thursdays are pretty busy party nights here too except I have my child every Thur night. I could arrange a babysitter if I need to, but I think I'll save the drinking activities for the weekends I don't have my son.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> I could arrange a babysitter if I need to, but I think I'll save the drinking activities for the weekends I don't have my son.


I agree. I have my kids on the weekends with the current schedule, so Thursday will be my night to get out.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> I have my child every Thur night.


Don't overlook those opportunities. I would never use my children as bait to find someone, but they do enjoy the park, etc. Getting out with your son and having fun may open doors as well. Also, it creates great memories and bonding with him. PTA meetings with your son? I don't remember how old he is, but I'm just brainstorming on things to get you out and about.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah I spend tons of time at the park and doing things with him (he's 4) and having fun with him certainly does open the opportunities to meet people. I am finding its the time that I'm not with him that it quickly becomes lonely. When he is with me I have a clear purpose and know how to plan my schedule and never feel like I don't know what to do... its when he's with his mom that I feel empty, and I'm realizing that I have probably become codependent on him to find purpose in my own life. For me the challenge now is to learn how to be independent on my own and it is hard to turn down time with him and it seems my W sometimes takes advantage of my willingness to take him all the time (even now that we are supposed to be equal coparents). I feel really guilty saying no when she asks me to switch weekends or take him off her hands for awhile, especially as we both know that I have no other plans in place. But it is something I need to do in order to learn how.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> I am finding its the time that I'm not with him that it quickly becomes lonely. When he is with me I have a clear purpose and know how to plan my schedule and never feel like I don't know what to do... its when he's with his mom that I feel empty,



I know how you feel.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Think I will also renew my fishing license and hit the Gulf.
> Im freaking "done" with the sadness b.s. It has not served me well.


Fishing in the Gulf and done with the sadness! :smthumbup:

I think I will head down there myself! Morning or evening though, we could die out there in this weather.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Fishing in the Gulf and done with the sadness! :smthumbup:
> 
> I think I will head down there myself! Morning or evening though, we could die out there in this weather.


NO SH&T man!!! 106 today!!!

Got in the car and the rear-view mirror said 110 yesterday.

Theres something that I cant quite explain about this whole rollercoaster of emotions thing. But if I could, I think it would help a lot of people if they knew what to expect.

I would have sad days, and at times would even begin to feel sad about it, and then like some sick twisted part of my nature would delve further into it, remembering all the good times, focusing on the things that I will miss. Almost like I was getting some kind of dopamine or release of chemicals in my brain.
So it was almost like I was making it worse on myself by exploring the outer reaches of the sadness. Maybe a part of me thinks that once I get out on my own and am living in my new place by myself, that I will then "REALLY" begin to deal with the hardest part of everything, and I am trying to soften that blow by forcing myself to go thru it now?? I dont know.
But you know what? The next day, for some unknown reason, and quite frankly, for not a whole lot of any reason at all, I would feel generally alright. Even with allll this stuff going on, and really having no reason to feel good, I still do. 
It has led me to the conclusion that I should expect and can expect to have the "good" days as well as the sadness. And when the sad periods come, being able to remember that since last week I had a few good days too, for no apparent reason at all for them to be necessarily good, they still happened, and thus, the sad days were diminished, and didnt last as long. 
As soon as I can get away from my stbxw, and seeing her actions that trigger anger, and resentfulness about it all, I have a feeling that theres going to be a lot more good days. I dont know if any of this makes sense, but when i hit those low spots, it was very helpful to be able to remember that just like on monday, when I had a good day, and felt okay, that I will again. It became desireable. It became "better" than feeling down about it all. 
Like I said, I have no idea why I felt generally good or hopeful of a good life outside of this marriage, but I did. 
I wish I could figure out a way to explain that to others. 
Especially that it is "okay" and that you can allow yourself to have those good days. No one says you HAVE to "wallow in the sea of sorrow". (sorry thinkin alice n chains there)


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

shoo its like in order to feel good means pretending it is (fake it till you make it) which is in itself sad, but on the whole its a sadness that has positive impact rather than the deep destructive sadness of losing your marriage?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey Lon!
The thing is, you are right about there being plenty of reason to be sad, but the days i felt at least some peace, and a bit of a brighter outlook for the future, did not feel pretend or disingenuine. I realized there were valid parts of my life without my stbxw that I was happy and at peace, and deserve to. Why not now? Why not despite the current "goings on"? To recognize the toxicity of being with her, and "choosing" or "allowing" myself to not worry about it or her anymore. Maybe I am losing my mind ? LOL.
Just becuase I decide to not wallow, doesnt reduce the value I had for the marriage. Becuase the value I am left with now, is for myself and my own peace. It sure isnt a "giddy elation" by no means, but more of a head above water sense. I can deal with that. I can dig it for now.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I think it will be easier once you're on your own, seeing mine everyday and living our "normal" life is brutal. Like everytime I notice something I'm going to miss I get a sharp pain, of course the annoying stuff stands out too!

I'm applying for jobs in the far north so I don't have to deal with the waiting, and to build up a savings account of my own!


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## 6foot5 (Jun 15, 2011)

As I mentioned in my previous post my ex moved out with my son last week , I was very apset , sad and I felt terrible , lonely and on top of everything my son wasnt around . The first couple of days I really felt like calling her and asking her to come back ...but I never found the courage . On the positive side I have been picking up my son from her every chance I get and Thank God she doesnt have problem with that and seeing my boy is just giving me so much strenght and I feel so good when he is with me that I dont even think about my ex and the situation we are in . It is very hard to explain how I feel when my son is around , I have always loved him with all my heart but this time around I feel like I love him 10 times more and I appreciate him so much more , he truly is my life !


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

6foot5 said:


> It is very hard to explain how I feel when my son is around , I have always loved him with all my heart but this time around I feel like I love him 10 times more and I appreciate him so much more , he truly is my life !


I understand that completely. I have always loved time with my kids. Last night, after not seeing them for a few days, I didn't want to let them out of my arms. They all hugged me for a long time, too. I'd say at least 10 times more than before.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon, 

Do you have any plans for your weekend? I hope you are able to get out and do something.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TN, my son is with me this weekend... he had a really rough morning today, he usually gets himself up by 7:00am, but he has been so sleepy the last couple days I've had to wake him and it makes such as difference in his mood. This morning I asked him to help put soap in the dishwasher and turn it on because he always loves doing it, but he said no so I went and did it triggering a massive freak out - he ran to the foyer and decided to pee his pants right there (he's been doing this at his daycare too and provider is getting very frustrated). He got a big time out and faux-cried for 15 minutes, so we got a late start to the day.

Anyways, I have no plans for tonight but if his day was good at daycare then I'm going to treat him to something fun, maybe a movie, or go find a new playground. Tomorrow his mom is taking him out for the afternoon for a birthday party so I will try to do some work on my van and some yard work. Sunday his friend is coming over then later he's going to another friend's. Nothing else planned, I may take him to the beach or swimming at a pool.

Times like these I wish I had two kids instead of just one so that I didn't have to be his sole source of entertainment all the time.

Thanks for your thoughts! How about you, shoot some more stick?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I've got the kids for the weekend also. I believe I'll get the homemade pizza and cake ingredients on the way home. That should be fun. If the weather permits and I can work out the transportation, I'll take them to the river. We all love doing that. We build a fire, cook hot dogs, etc. With the heat, anything outside has to be around water. 

Yeah, 3 kids can be hectic at times, especially when all 3 were in diapers. Now, they do entertain themselves pretty well. Have fun with your son.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> he ran to the foyer and decided to pee his pants right there (he's been doing this at his daycare too and provider is getting very frustrated).



I think it's probably the stress. They show it in different ways. My daughter wet the bed for the first time in years one night when her mother was on her "trip". Pit had recommended a great book a while back. "Helping Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way." I'll look at it to see if it mentions anything about that in particular. It has already helped in some of my conversations with the kids.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

We did the home made pizza yesterday... it was good, but my boy decided he wasn't going to eat any. so it was cold pizza for breakfast this morning!


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

The best thing for me has been having people I can talk to when my situation gets overwhelming. Friends, family, even co-workers. I also try to stay involved with my church and doing volunteer work in my community. When all else fails, I snuggle up with my boy and my cat and watch silly movies.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> We did the home made pizza yesterday... it was good, but my boy decided he wasn't going to eat any. so it was cold pizza for breakfast this morning!



I bought the ingredients on the way home Friday night. She had made a roast already. We didn't get around to the pizza this weekend, but had lots of fun at the river.

I heard an ad this morning. "Events and Adventures" is a company in Nashville. It mentioned having places around the country. From the ad, it sounded like you sign up to go on things you like. Canoeing, dancing, fishing, lots of stuff. A group of single folk go on the activity and have fun. I have no financial or other interest in this company and apologize if I am breaking any forum rules in mentioning this. I just heard about it and it sounded pertinent to this thread.


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