# sexless marriage how do i leave?



## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

im 24and have been only married 7 months, we had some issues before we were married but stupidly thought we could get married have kids and fix everything. we havent had sex in nearly 6 months. my husband is the nicest man ever and sometimes i think that might be part of the problem. i just have no sexual attraction to him at all anymore and the idea of sex or even kissing repulses me. its not his looks as he looks the same as he always has and hes a good looking guy.
i find myself looking at other guys and wondering what could be.

hes been away for work for 8 weeks and the time apart has been nice infact ive enjoyed it a bit too much and i am dreading him comeing home. I think its time to leave but i dont know how to tell him and im not 100% sure if leaving is the right thing but i dont think ill really know till i try. plz help


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

wow, i thought i had it bad.
if there are no kids involved, i don't see a problem. ( i have to put that in, i feel strongly when there are children.)
how do you tell him? i say, you don't have to tell him. you can just leave. you don't have to talk to him ever again. you aren't a slave, you have the freedom to do whatever you want.
don't complicate things with other people until a divorce is at least started.
but consider this perspective. you are your own person, and you don't owe him anything, unless you feel like you do. it is mean to disappear in the night, but if you don't care about his feelings, then why care about his feelings? do you want to give him the opportunity to talk you out of it?
do not wait and wait, do what you have to do now while you are still young.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of issues?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

have you thought about counseling for you and for the two of you? I think you should at least give him and you a chance and even if you do end up leaving him, at least through counseling you'll have given yourself a chance to find any issues and work on them in yourself. And stop looking at other guys and thinking about them. That's not giving your husband a fair chance. And if there is anything he could do, such as more affection or quality time, let him know.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

beardedinlair said:


> wow, i thought i had it bad.
> if there are no kids involved, i don't see a problem. ( i have to put that in, i feel strongly when there are children.)
> how do you tell him? i say, you don't have to tell him. you can just leave. you don't have to talk to him ever again. you aren't a slave, you have the freedom to do whatever you want.
> don't complicate things with other people until a divorce is at least started.
> ...


i care alot about his feelings, i hate the idea of hurting him. no we dont have any kids but we do have animals and they are like kids to both of us, i think they have been a big part of what has kept us together especially our dog. 

i think i need to leave because if i stay things are never goin to change


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kiwigirl said:


> i think i need to leave because if i stay things are never goin to change


That is SO not true! YOU have a lot of control in how your relationship turns out. Are you just looking for approval to leave, or do you really want a good relationship? We can help with that.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> That is SO not true! YOU have a lot of control in how your relationship turns out. Are you just looking for approval to leave, or do you really want a good relationship? We can help with that.


then tell me how do u feel attracted to someone again when you have no attraction at all?? if i knew how to fix that i would but i dont think that is something you can control.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, here's an assignment. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies each of the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Sit down with your husband and BOTH of you fill out a copy of each. Then swap. Let him read how HE Love Busts you. Let him read what YOUR top 5 Emotional Needs are. Ask him to stop the LBs that you list. Ask him to meet your top 5 ENs.

You do the same thing with the forms he fills out. This will help both of you understand what the other is thinking, what he/she wants and doesn't like.

An LB can be something as simple as leaving the butter knife on the counter instead of in the dishwasher, to as big as taking off for a trip with the boys without telling you or asking you. 

Consider a bucket (your 'love bucket'). Every time he LBs you (or you LB him), it pokes a hole in that bucket. It's a negative feeling you have for him because he has hurt you in some way. 

Say he does 3 or 4 LBs each day, and he KEEPS doing them, even though he knows they bother you; it leaves you irritated and out of love. 

Say he knows you like fresh flowers and he brings you flowers. That's meeting one of your ENs, for romance. It's great that he brings you flowers, but you're so fed up with all the LBs he's been doing, all those holes poked in your love bucket, that the good will he tried to create by bringing flowers just flows right out those holes he created with the LBs. No matter how hard he tries to meet your ENs - romance you, talk to you, do dishes, whatever - you still can't get past the LBs; you're still irritated at him. _And you lose your attraction to him._

That's why you need to fill out the LB questionnaire. The EN one is important, too, but it does no good to meet ENs if the spouse is still ticked off from all the LBs.

For example: My house is a wreck. My DH piles stuff up all over the place and NEVER goes back through it all to get rid of it, organize it, use it. We have a 3-car garage and can barely get the lawnmower in it; it's filled to the brim with his junk that he'll never go through. Our bedroom, the same. His office, the kitchen, the washroom...all filled with his stuff, that he won't let me touch. So you can see how his 'stuff' is a #1, Class A Love Buster to me. No matter what he does for me, I'll NEVER get over the resentment I feel over this - and what's worse, he KNOWS, and yet does nothing. So for our 30th anniversary, he asked me what I wanted, he'd get me anything; I said, 'go through some of your stuff.' He said he would; never did. For Mother's Day, I told him I didn't want a gift, all I wanted was for him to go through some of the stuff or fix broken doors, etc.; I even made a list of things he could help with; he cleaned out the pantry and stopped. Today's my birthday, and I told him I don't want a present, I just want help with the house; he bought me candy and a card instead. No matter how good that candy is, I will not want it or like it, because the LB is so firmly rooted in my mind that I can't get past it. It makes me lose ALL attraction for him, no matter how many ENs he meets.

So...both of you fill them out, trade them, and get to work on fixing your marriage. It really does work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, I just gave some GREAT advice one post up. Are you willing to follow it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the thing. YOU are here looking for advice. You can't MAKE your spouse do anything. But if you follow the advice at marriagebuilders.com, use the questionnaires, stop LBing your spouse and meet their top ENs, they WILL respond in kind (barring affairs or abuse or mental issues). So it behooves _you _to start being a better partner; which in turn gives HER a reason and a desire to become one, too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have to add that most women do NOT like it when their man does everything for them. It makes them feel inadequate or unneeded, and it makes them lose respect for the man. Divide the chores 50% and show her that you respect yourself too much to become, or stay, her butler.

WHY is she not doing anything? Do you not work?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

i could get those questionaires to open on my computer even after i downloaded the thing it said to. 
my husband doesnt really do anything that annoys me thou, its the perfect husband really its me that has a problem not him at all


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You never answered what kind of issues you had. 

And now you said he doesn't do anything to annoy you. So...all the issues were him unhappy with what YOU do?

Whatever. It's obvious you don't want to be married. Just leave.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

the issues were with our sex life but i thought my attraction to him would come back because of how wonderful he is. he didnt have any issues with me either, apart from the lack of sex. we did the questionaires and went through them but our relationship is basically perfect except for the sex thing, which to me makes me feel like we are more jst bestfriends than anything else. we have started seeing a counseler


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't understand. Did you have SF before you married? And it was good then? What changed?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

yes we did and it was great, i jst stopped feeling attracted to him and its got so bad nw that i cant do it with him at all, i have no idea why it changed thats the problem


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Were you determined to find a husband? Was that a big goal?


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

How was your sex life before you started feeling this way? What exactly were your issues with sex if it's ok to ask? I mean, was it vanilla? He couldn't get it up? Got rejected?

I've come to dislike my husband and not be physically attracted to him, but it's because of serious problems in our marriage. He's a very handsome guy, but every time I look at his pictures and imagine myself kissing him or having sex it grosses me out. Weird isn't it?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

no it wasnt a goal for me to get a husband, i mean i always planned to get married someday but it wasnt sumthing i was setting out to get when i started our relationship.
we used to have good sex, no problems at all. we jst started gradually having less sex as you often do but was still good, but then jst randomly stopped feeling attratced to him, but i thought it was would come bak but its got worse where the idea of sex with him really turns me off, but i dont knw why. im still attracted to other guys so its not sex itself that puts me off


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Was he disappointing as a husband?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

no hes a fantastic husband. hes tidy, def does his share of chores and things and he works a good job so that i only need to work part time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then my guess is you have a childhood issue where you feel like you need to be mistreated, and because he's SO good, you don't like him. What was your childhood like?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

i had a great childhood both my parents are still happiley married and we are a very close family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Only child?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

no i hav a brother, hes 3 years younger, we get along very well


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Man, this is a tough one! There has GOT to be something in your psyche, or in his actions, that have created a disconnect between what you expected in marriage, and what it turned out to be. Can you give more detail about what your marriage has been like?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

its been pretty gud, mayb not as much excitement as there could of been. we get along very well and talk pretty much about everything. im a pretty busy person and have alot of stuff i do with my friends outside the marriage. i think this issue has prob been with us for over a year but kept getting ignored cause everything else was soo good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How much time did you two spend together before the marriage?

How much time, compared, do you spend together now? 

Is any of that time spent with your friends now? Why? What about him?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

we lived together, prob the same amount of time really. im jst the kind of person that likes to lots of things. we are together 6 out of 7 nights a week. i might go out for an hour a few nights a week to do a gym class with friends or something thou


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