# Am I wrong



## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Recently I began a discussion with my wife about something troubling me. A friend has been slapping my wifes backside and i told my wife i wish to ask him to stop as it makes me uncomforterable.

Her reply was "He does it to everyone"
I asked "Do you like it?"
She said "No"
I said "Then i will ask him to stop after all what he does to everyone is not my concern but the inappropriate touches to my wife is and I find his actions degrading and demeaning to her."
She said "I needed to learn to live with other peoples feelings and adjust to them not make them change."
I said "No in this case you do not like it and I don't as well."
She then said "I am not your property"

-Note we have been dating for three years and married for 21.

I said "You are not my property but you are my wife and I won't have people degrading you and treating you like they own you."
She said "I don't want to start a war"
I said "Over what asking him to simply stop touching you in ways he should not?"
she then said "I was being manipulative and controlling"
I said "In twenty four years have i every spoken out about anyone we know, how you or anyone else interacts, or anything like this?"
She said "No but you don't understand how he grew up"

-Now i was abused in many ways as a child I know about growing up rough and she knows this as well but I don't hit my wife or children and I never start any trouble.

I said "His childhood or life does not excuse his lack of ethics or social normal behaviors and it bothers me and my feelings should be important to you."
She said "I don't want to talk about tis anymore."

Are my feelings wrong? 
Would you be upset with someone always slapping your spouses backside? 
Should my feelings come first to her if we have a good strong marriage?
Last do you believe I am wrong to feel this way?


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Bravo for being a man who defends his wife! Is your wife typically a person who doesn't like conflict?
You're in a tough spot because I'm not sure I understand why your wife is defending the guy and why she is accusing you for offering to stick up for her.
I know what my wife would do the very first time anybody swatted her. She'd say "Hey, watch it!" and I would immediately chime in to make sure the perpetrator was clear this better not happen again.

The issue of control is not valid in my opinion. There is selfish control and benevolent control. Selfish control is bad, benevolent control is good and necessary. Benevolent control says to they guy with beer-breath who came to pick up your daughter for a date "You aren't going anywhere with my daughter in your car!" and sticks by it even if the daughter says "Daddy, you are so mean!"

This is your wife and not your daughter though. She should be defended but treated as the equal she is. I think its worth further discussion. Suppose you told the wife you might consider telling the guy to keep his hands to himself even if she doesn't want you to speak up. What would that hurt? If it starts a war and it's your war and you are right, what's so bad about that? If they guy wants to fight for his "right" to slap your wife's year he's as big a jerk as you and I think he is.

Perhaps revisit the discussion with the wife and avoid the guy in the meantime?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are valid on all points.
I suggest you start slapping has back side and I mean hard.

This is between you and him, back in the day I would have punched a man that even touched my wife..some things are worth getting your @ss kicked. (if he's bigger)

Your wife will give you sh*t but deep down she will value your cavaler (can't spell) Women like it when there man can stand up to a bully. So do it.

So slap his @ss and slap it hard and let him know the next time it won't be on his butt.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, your wife might be affraid this will turn in to a fight and you will get hurt.
Let me tell you nothing feels better then when your chick puts a stake over your black eye and comforts you for trying to defend her honor.

I could be wrong and she could go off with the champion, but if thats the case ....good riddens.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Another idea. And I'm saying this because I'm getting ticked off just thinking about this guy - not sure you should actually do it (at least not until you discuss further with the wife):

Hey, I know slapping rears is your "Thing." It's what you do.
Here's my new thing. I'm the guy who punches noses. I don't do it to everyone though. Just to people who slap my wife's rear end.
Why don't you slap her rear end again today like you did last time so I can get a chance to do my "Thing!"


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

OK, now that "The guy" who posted above has spoken, I'm saying you actually should do what I said in my last post. Of course, if he's bigger than you, your the one in the brawl - not me.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

You are not wrong and your wife's responses are weird to me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I would have dealt with this when it happened. I would not have asked my wife.

I would have immediately confronted him and not asked him to stop but told him so. It is not just disrespectful to your wife but disrespectful to you.

Whether he was bigger and stronger than me would have no influence on this. Period. You do not allow this disrespect. Period. If there was a fight over this then the unresonable one is him. He should fight you so he can touch your wife's @ss? If he does you need to fight him. Now what he will do more than likely is go over and fondle your wife in front of you. Sounds like she would let him. You then do everything you can do to hurt him for it. Now this is just me. But if he just simply said he was going to touch my wife no matter what, I can promise you I would tell him if he does I would blow is head off and I would mean it. Again that's just me. I have a zero tolerance for this type of thing.

You then inform your wife that this is inappropriate behavior and that you will not tolerate it and she will not either. It matters little whether she is fine with it other than to say that if she is fine with this she is being disrespectful to you.

Ummmm. is there any wiggle room here? No. Grow a pair and take charge.

Now the biggest problem is that your wife did not immediately react to this and took the stance she did. Her accepting of this is a green light to this guy for this and more bolder behavior. Not reacting to this immediately is a show of encouragemnet from her and weakness for you. Me thinks there is more to this that you may not know.

Now keep in mind his behavior is Alpha. Asking your wife is Beta behavior. Alpha behavior is more sexually exciting to the woman. You are seeing this. Just remember the true Alpha male will use all that he has to come out on top.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

As far as the aplha role had i seen it ever i would have ended it immediately. Instead i heard about it from my brother and i appreciated his honesty with me. 

I asked her because the person is a family relation and i wanted her side of things and I surely got way more than i thought i would. I found out it happens a lot and she seems to condone it.

I am not asking I am just going to see him soon and I will make sure he swings first. As far as defending myself I can hold my own. I have a black belt and as such can't start it but I know what buttons to push to try and make him start it. If he does i'm going to hurt him. 

My sincere disappointment is in my wife not telling him to stop and then telling me the first, second, third times it happened. My understanding is it is way more than three by the way.

I am further troubled by her defending the guy. I would think my feelings should mean more than anyone on the plant minus our children. Theirs is more important to me and then hers. I am sincerely troubled she would repeatedly defend him and not stand by me as i have her for 24 years.

Thanks for the advice so far I welcome any and all advice including from the ladies as well. I wanted to be sure I wasn't being the tool and others would do the same.

Thank you again


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

No, you are not wrong.
And the way your W is going after you-SHE LIKES IT!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bbird1 said:


> As far as the aplha role had i seen it ever i would have ended it immediately. Instead i heard about it from my brother and i appreciated his honesty with me.
> 
> I asked her because the person is a family relation and i wanted her side of things and I surely got way more than i thought i would. I found out it happens a lot and she seems to condone it.
> 
> ...


Cool. It was unclear to me that you were not there. My bad. Also under the circumstances having heard it from my brother and not her I would have done the same as you and confronted her first. The bolded part above would bother me the most as well. Her not mentioning it to you on her own. Also she should have immediately objected.

I find it weird that there is even a true concern that he would get into a fight over this. He should accept that this is not acceptable to you. It says much abou him.

A family relation ... ok does not make it any more acceptable. maybe a little more weird.

I am a live and let live person myself. But there are boundaries. This is clearly one of them.

Good luck. Let us know how this progresses.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well heres another thing that might help, it sound like you can now slapp your wife on the butt. I do suggest you do it it a little softer then when you do it to the dumb @ss family member.

Again your not confronting to push buttons your confronting to achieve an end result, it will be his choice to take it to the next level, and your wife choice to except the out come. She could have taken the appropreaite step but didn't so now someone will be laying on the floor.

Again do your best to keep your wife out of this, for some reasons she has issues. Like having an affair with this dumb @ss.
Quitly do some of your own investigation b/c this is a red flag.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> Well heres another thing that might help, it sound like you can now slapp your wife on the butt. I do suggest you do it it a little softer then when you do it to the dumb @ss family member.
> 
> Again your not confronting to push buttons your confronting to achieve an end result, it will be his choice to take it to the next level, and your wife choice to except the out come. She could have taken the appropreaite step but didn't so now someone will be laying on the floor.
> 
> ...


Yes.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

As others have said, I wouldn't ask my wife to ask the other guy to stop.

I would straight up tell the other guy to stop.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

There were times my ex-husband and I found ourselves amongst slightly rowdy people. We would often attend awards weekends for the large corporation he works for. The majority of attendees were employees and their spouses. These weekends were considered a time to cut loose and have fun. Most of time when a situation made me uncomfortable, I could handle things quite well on my own. However there were times that without saying a word I could tuck in close to my ex-husband and he knew at that very moment I was having a problem with some guy. Let me tell you, whether it was a co-worker, another employee with equivalent standing in company, or upper management, my ex-husband hand no qualms about setting things straight with a guy. 

I like the following suggestions. 



the guy said:


> So slap his @ss and slap it hard and let him know the next time it won't be on his butt.





VLR said:


> Hey, I know slapping rears is your "Thing." It's what you do.
> Here's my new thing. I'm the guy who punches noses. I don't do it to everyone though. Just to people who slap my wife's rear end.
> Why don't you slap her rear end again today like you did last time so I can get a chance to do my "Thing!"


My ex-husband, along with any other guy I have been in a relationship with would probably feel the same way; some behaviors and actions are unwarranted and not welcome towards a wife, girlfriend or any female in general.


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

She says she "doesn't like it", it may very well be that your wife is simply afraid to confront this guy on her own. He behaves inappropriatepy and with this trait is seems likely he is obnoxious as well. She's not defending him per se as much as she is making excuses for not dealing with him.

I also think it is necessary for you to intervene on her behalf. I wouldn't start with a punch in the nose but it surely won't hurt to leave the impression that you'll go there if the behavior doesn't cease.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I suspect that there is much more than "backside slapping" going on.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

VLR said:


> Another idea. And I'm saying this because I'm getting ticked off just thinking about this guy - not sure you should actually do it (at least not until you discuss further with the wife):
> 
> Hey, I know slapping rears is your "Thing." It's what you do.
> Here's my new thing. I'm the guy who punches noses. I don't do it to everyone though. Just to people who slap my wife's rear end.
> Why don't you slap her rear end again today like you did last time so I can get a chance to do my "Thing!"


OMG--- that cracked me up:rofl:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I suspect that there is much more than "backside slapping" going on.


I reread the original post with the view that you are going to now confront this OM. With that layer in action, one can focus more on your wife's comments. At least I can. Yeah just very strange. One would have expected a more relieved and happy response from her. That she felt good you were willing to take care of this. Again the fact you had to hear this from your brother. Why would she not want to talk about it any more.

The bigger background would then be how your relationship with your wife has or has not changed, especially in recent times. How often is she around this guy and why. Sounds like it has been her whole life.

The you don't own me thing I always find a red flag. In a marriage it is usually understood that the partners have what amounts to ownership of the relationship. She is your wife. While her butt is attached to her she is not free to share it with anyone but you unless this is not a boundary for your relationship. To that extent the partners have an ownership/partnership of one another. 

Lotsa red flags here.

A peripheral point maybe but does this other really put his hands on other women like this or is it just your wife? Why would he feel free to do this?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

bbird1 said:


> I said "Over what asking him to simply stop touching you in ways he should not?"
> she then said "I was being manipulative and controlling"


This is an example of you asking a perfectly reasonable question, and her giving a ridiculous response. Huge red flag.

Just tell her what you are going to do regarding him. Don't ask it it's ok with her. Pump up your chest and tell him to his face to stop and enforce it any way you need to, including involving other family members. Tell your wife if it happens again that you expect her to report it to you. Tell all your family members to report it to you. If your wife makes the choice to hide it from you, then you have an issue with her to confront (that issue is not being slapped, that issue is her choice to hide it from you).


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

This might not get a lot of positive responses...

Perhaps, your wife would just like to handle it herself? I don't quite see her ridiculous responses as making much sense, but I am a 100% honest person constantly..

I've had similar situations. I work with a drunken rowdy crowd on the weekends. I've been hugged, grabbed, had my ass slapped, had a guy try to feed me (like tried to pick me up and set me on the table) to his friend, on top of whatever insults, rude statements, fights, and everything else thrown at me imaginable.

In general if something makes me uncomfortable or bothers me, I WILL handle it. In one way or another.

I also didn't want my husband going after the man who stalked his way to our home at 6:30am.

With me, it's that I have to be able to handle it or do it. When the hubs tried to step in it felt more like I had some sort of incapability and he had to handle it for me. I hate that feeling. lol. I'm one of those people that does not like help unless I ask for it because I am bound and determined to do it myself.

I don't know if your wife is that type of person or not. But from the stand point of that type of person, I can see her not wanting you to interfere because she feels she can handle it properly without it being a giant issue. That being said, a slap to MY ass wouldn't fly more than twice. I wouldn't have called it controlling either. 

just thought I'd throw that in there. I despise the "Im going to do something about your problem" man thing. It drives me nuts because if I need the help, I'll ask for it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> This might not get a lot of positive responses...
> 
> Perhaps, your wife would just like to handle it herself? I don't quite see her ridiculous responses as making much sense, but I am a 100% honest person constantly..
> 
> ...


FWIW it does not sound that way to me at all. Her husband has every right to handle this. She did not handle this. It kept happening and she defended it. That is the big issue she did not handle it and kept it from her husband.

That said your story sounds like a doozie of its own. LOL.

You did not want your husband to deal with the man who stalked his way into your home at 6:30. UFB. He would have been within his rights to have shot him for sure. What did he do. Hun could you go down stairs and give that guy what he wants so I can stay in bed. Please handle it.

Sounds like you are constantly groped and played with and prefer to handle it your own way. Dies your husband know about all of this?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> FWIW it does not sound that way to me at all. Her husband has every right to handle this. She did not handle this. It kept happening and she defended it. That is the big issue she did not handle it and kept it from her husband.
> 
> That said your story sounds like a doozie of its own. LOL.
> 
> You did not want your husband to deal with the man who stalked his way into your home at 6:30. UFB. He would have been within his rights to have shot him for sure. What did he do. Hun could you go down stairs and give that what he wants so I can stay in bed. Please handle it.


Well its the only "maybe" I could come up with.  like "eeee maybe she thinks she's handling it?" Aside from general assumption that "she must like it" she may just have a weird fear of confrontation too. 

My husband was sleeping when the guy showed up, I left the door locked and didn't open it, to determine later he had not only waited at my job all night for me, but found my house, and gone through our mail so that when he showed up he knew what people to ask for. When I woke my husband up after he left, he just rolled over. he only wanted to go after him way later.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If I'm not touching my wife's ass neither is anyone else.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

bbird1 said:


> Are my feelings wrong?
> Would you be upset with someone always slapping your spouses backside?
> Should my feelings come first to her if we have a good strong marriage?
> Last do you believe I am wrong to feel this way?


I don't think your feelings are wrong. I am a wife, married for 23 years. I would probably slap somebody who wasn't my H who kept slapping my bottom. I would be thrilled if my H had a problem with it (he would, btw). I would think his jealousy was cute.

Is there any reason why your wife wouldn't set a boundary with this person? Is there any reason why your wife might feel this is controlling by you? Are you controlling in other circumstances?


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

Her responses are inappropriate based on the information you provided. Your plans for resolving the situation are appropriate. Her response suggests that either 1 she likes it, 2 she is afraid based on history that you will take things to far, or 3 there is a problem in your interaction with each other that needs to be investigated and fixed. If I were you I would pay close attention to your wifes behavior for any 'red flags' or other indications of what is causing that reaction..


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> Well its the only "maybe" I could come up with.  like "eeee maybe she thinks she's handling it?" Aside from general assumption that "she must like it" she may just have a weird fear of confrontation too.
> 
> My husband was sleeping when the guy showed up, I left the door locked and didn't open it, to determine later he had not only waited at my job all night for me, but found my house, and gone through our mail so that when he showed up he knew what people to ask for. When I woke my husband up after he left, he just rolled over. he only wanted to go after him way later.


Wow! Thanks for the clarification. Sounds pretty messed up.
I don't know what your situation is but macho-ness aside it sounds like you may very well need someone to have your back ( pun intended ) on this stuff. What husband would assume his wife could handle this by herself. I wish him luck.

Gee whiz, what is your work with all this drama, if you don;t mind answering. I bet it is pertinent to your story. Do you work at a tavern?

Sounds like you are a handful


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

inmygut said:


> Her responses are inappropriate based on the information you provided. Your plans for resolving the situation are appropriate. Her response suggests that either 1 she likes it, 2 she is afraid based on history that you will take things to far, or 3 there is a problem in your interaction with each other that needs to be investigated and fixed. If I were you I would pay close attention to your wifes behavior for any 'red flags' or other indications of what is causing that reaction..


I do understand where some of her fears come from she was abused as a child and has always feared confrontation.

To answer have I ever been controling? Not that I am aware I try to make sure we are equal partners on everything especially since she decided to stay home and raise the kids I am more cautious now than ever. I bring the pay checks home and sit down with her and discuss what we should pay now and the budget. I take the kids sometimes so she can get out with the girls. I help as much as I can around the house but working 60-70 hours a week there are days I don't help as much as i would like. The mind is willing and the flesh is weak.

I leave all rules and the house hold stuff to her the kids know mom is the boss and dad will back up mom so don't try it. I have written her a nice letter asking if she feels I've been controlling and why she feels the way she does if that answer is yes. I asked what things I might adjust to help he feel i am less controlling.

My intention is not to own her but to be her equal partner in everything. She has read many of these replies and it has lead to some dialog I have not expected. I hope it leads to more. 

In the mean time she has signed up with a psychiatrist to help her process her childhood trama and i am backing her decisions 100% as i always have. One of her other fears is if anything happens to me she has no solid career and to solve this I helped her find some colleges and materials on career path choices. I am encouraging her to get an education she can use incase these things happen or when she decisdes the kids are grown enough and she wants a career there is one and a well paying one waiting for her.

Thank you all for the responses so far I know she hasn't cheated with this guy and she doesn't like it but she is conflict oversive. I spoke to him today and told him very simple. slapping my wifes bottom is disrespectful to my wife and I won't allow it to continue. I told him I will not speak of this again and if it happens again I will take it to the next level(s). He was curious what that was. So I told him physical altercation followed by a law suit for third party sexual harrassment. He is part owner in a company my wife does 8-10 hours work for a month and I'm not afraid to persue that line of ending this as well.

It did not come to blows but that doesn't mean it won't and he knows that too.

In the mean time my wife and I are digging deeper into her past and into working on our marriage to make it stronger. I love her and i believe she loves me (even with all my faults).


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Wow! Thanks for the clarification. Sounds pretty messed up.
> I don't know what your situation is but macho-ness aside it sounds like you may very well need someone to have your back ( pun intended ) on this stuff. What husband would assume his wife could handle this by herself. I wish him luck.
> 
> Gee whiz, what is your work with all this drama, if you don;t mind answering. I bet it is pertinent to your story. Do you work at a tavern?
> ...



I agree that your husband should have your back. I would be there. I would let you handle it and be there and ready incase things go badly or you find yourself outnumbered or outflanked so to speak. You sound like a wonderfully strong lady and that is admirable as well. But sorry if you were my spouse you are my partner not just for the good things but for everything. I would have to be there and remind you that you are not alone in anything.

god bless all and thanks for your input more is always welcome as I love knowing what others think.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> The you don't own me thing I always find a red flag. In a marriage it is usually understood that the partners have what amounts to ownership of the relationship. She is your wife. While her butt is attached to her she is not free to share it with anyone but you unless this is not a boundary for your relationship. To that extent the partners have an ownership/partnership of one another.


BTW this was especially helpful. I feel exactly that way and shared it with her. I told her why do you think I won't be alone with other women? She said why? I said because I don't want any hint that anything could ever happen i want you to know I only have eyes to see you and the rest of me is only for you. There are appropriate and normal ways to touch people that are socially acceptable and not morally degrading. A hug to a close friend, a kiss on the cheek in some countries, a hand shake. But outside of normal accepted cultural norms no one touches me where only you should have the rights to. I would never allow a woman (besides my mom maybe) to touch my chest or wrap and arm around my waist. I think she might understand me a little better.

We spent an hour on this topic specifically and your words helped indeed. Thank you and god bless.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bbird1 said:


> BTW this was especially helpful. I feel exactly that way and shared it with her. I told her why do you think I won't be alone with other women? She said why? I said because I don't want any hint that anything could ever happen i want you to know I only have eyes to see you and the rest of me is only for you. There are appropriate and normal ways to touch people that are socially acceptable and not morally degrading. A hug to a close friend, a kiss on the cheek in some countries, a hand shake. But outside of normal accepted cultural norms no one touches me where only you should have the rights to. I would never allow a woman (besides my mom maybe) to touch my chest or wrap and arm around my waist. I think she might understand me a little better.
> 
> We spent an hour on this topic specifically and your words helped indeed. Thank you and god bless.


That is great. Sounds like you did all the right things. Hope this turns into an opportunity for you and your wife to become closer than ever. Good stuff.


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