# Husband had a sexless affair



## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

Hello there

I found this forum when searching google fto try and find some reason why im feeling like i am.

I found out my husband of 11 years had been seeing a much younger girl from work when he didnt come home from his christmas party in december.

I was about to report him as a missing person when i got a call from her husband saying they had spent the night in a hotel together. she had immediately told her husband when she arrived home where she had been.

they had both sneaked off from the main group and gone to have more drinks into the early hours of the morning and he says he checked into the hotel around 5am as he couldnt get a taxi home as ran out of cash and so paid for the hotel on his credit card and she stayed in the room with him and they both passed out.....ive spoken to her and she says that because she was having trouble with her husband and didnt want to go home my husband had offered to get her a hotel room and that they checked in around 2, had drinks in the hotel bar then the room, then they "talked" and then fell asleep and when they woke up she said my husband was panicking...my husband says this is not what happened.

they have both told me they didnt sleep together...but something mustve gone on in that hotel room.

it turns out they have been seeing having drinks after work (he said he had been missing various trains home) and had kissed each time. 

the first time it happened it was on another works party at the beginning of november 2011 when he hadnt even told me he was gong out and had rolled in about midnight.

she has been calling him on his mobile the odd few times and he told me it was because she was having trouble with her husband...i thought this was weird she would be calling him.

i have always trusted my husband 100 percent and so never thought he would be seeing her!

i threw him out immediatly even though he was denying anything had happened at that point as he did not know i had already spoken to her husband and knew they had spent the night or at least a few hours together in that hotel room...he denied he had been seeing her...i only found this out when i called the other woman and asked her to tell me the truth.

my husband said he did not tell me the truth as he didnt want to hurt me even more....

i had him back after two days as i wanted him near me for some reason.....

we have talked a bit but he seems to be under the impression that because they did not sleep together its not an affair and he wants me to move on and get back on track.

he is being very attentive and has booked us a getaway holiday in a few months and we have started to go out together more.

he says he felt flattered by this girls attention (he has worked with her for over 2 years) and that she is/was a good friend...he says he regrets bitterely what happened and that he will not do it again....

they still work together although his boss has split them up now so they do not work together as closely.

my problems are;

i dont really know what happened between them and when and also what happened on the "lost" night when they ended up in a hotel and its eating me up.

some days i feel stronger and loving towards my husband and some days i hate him and cant stand him near me and just get these flashes of them together.

ive stopped cooking for some reason as when ive cooked him a meal and were eating it, these hate feelings get worse and i cant stop imaganing them together! 

our marriage hasnt been on track this last year as i had a big operation a year ago which flung me into a horrific early menopause so i have been preoccupied with trying to sort out my hormones etc...its been awful and now this.

i can see that i havent given him as much attention as i should have done and i regret this but i have had a lot to deal with lately.

i feel like everything has changed and he is no longer my wonderful wonderful husband...he has acted so out of character nad i dont know if we will be able to get over this.

I must add that I love the bones of him still but at the same time hate him. its tearing me apart.

anyway, this is my first post and i know ive rambled. 

thanks for listening.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry. 

Dealing with health issues on top of an affair (and yes, he was having an affair) is no walk in the park. 

I honestly think he should not be working with her at all. Can he get transferred? Have you spoken to the OW's husband? You will prob never know what happened 100% in that hotel room or otherwise but they prob did hook up--or maybe they didn't, but from what he's said, they were stealing kisses. He needs to not minimize what he has done.

What do you want to do? Do you want to stay married to him or do you want to divorce him? Answer that first. In the interim, tell him you are not at all interested in an open marriage and deserve much better.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

hiya

i do want to stay married to him, im almost certain of that but at this moment in time i think i want to seperate too...does that make sense? i need space to think but at the same time I will be forvever wondering if hes with her.

he has quite a complex job and is the main breadwinner and it would be hard for him to find another jobwith the same salary (he says hes looking) but its hard knowing he sees her everyday. 

ive spoken to her husband and he says he had no choice but to trust her working with him and i also spoke to her and told her one of them has to leave their jobs and she said she was sorry for everything but had no intention of leaving. 

she also said she no longer had any feelings for him and he said the same about her which is i know is rubbish as you cant just switch feelings off.

everyone i speak to about it says as ive decided to stay with him that i should just put it all to the back of my mind and move on. sounds so easy!

thanks for your reply.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

purple velvet said:


> hiya
> 
> i do want to stay married to him, im almost certain of that but at this moment in time i think i want to seperate too...does that make sense? i need space to think but at the same time I will be forvever wondering if hes with her.
> 
> ...


That is some very wrong advice, its called rug sweeping and if you do not address this issue now, it will come back to haunt you 10 fold...read the newbies links for abit


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

purple velvet said:


> hiya
> 
> i do want to stay married to him, im almost certain of that but at this moment in time i think i want to seperate too...does that make sense?


Yes, it does make sense. Because the trauma of infidelity will do that do you. You will be all over the place for a long time.




purple velvet said:


> she also said she no longer had any feelings for him and he said the same about her which is i know is rubbish as you cant just switch feelings off..


Well, here's the thing: some people have affairs and can continue to work together and reconcile with their spouses. For me, that wouldn't work. And I am speaking to you as someone who had an affair. I knew when it ended that I could never have contact with the OM again. Not even a hello if I ever ran into him. And since their affair has been so recent, it's a slippery slope with them working together. 

No contact is really the only way to ensure that nothing will happen again.



purple velvet said:


> everyone i speak to about it says as ive decided to stay with him that i should just put it all to the back of my mind and move on. sounds so easy!


People who haven't experienced infidelity before have no idea what it feels like. It's awful. Now, some people can turn a blind eye and are more forgiving about it... but others can't. Either way, it seriously fvcks you up in the head and it makes you question EVERYTHING. Feel your feelings. Do you.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> What do you want to do? Do you want to stay married to him or do you want to divorce him? Answer that first. In the interim, tell him you are not at all interested in an open marriage and deserve much better.


:iagree:

OP,what he is confessing to you could be true but I wonder how many that read this thread would say that they could spend a drunken night in a room with someone they are attracted to and just pass out with nothing happening? I admit that I could but only if I were hogtied,lol. Oh wait,that sounds sick,lol.
Only you know what can be done to repair the damage to your relationship. With my new found knowledge of the single life, I have to say to try to make your relationship work if you and he are willing to and willing to be faithful. My opinion is that it is better to get therapy and help for a marriage if love still exists than to get into the messed up dating scene I am finding. Just my two cents worth but it's a messed up world,sad to say.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

i could not think of anything worse than dating, so sorry you have to go through that!

I dont think i have a date in me, particularly as ive had a hysterectomy recently at an early age, so dont feel particularly womanyly anyway...i cant imagine explaining to someone that i have no ovaries and no womb at such a young age, they would run a mile!

oh im so confused!!!

ive sent him a lomg email today with everythin im feeling and thinking since he refuses to talk about it..he has just tried to call me but i want nothing to do with him today, i feel angry. hes slept in the spare room all week...funnily enough weve had more sex these last couple of weeks than we did all last year.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The s ex thing is aclled "hysterical bonding."

He should be willing to talk about it with you--the affair. His refusal is not a good sign. When you are up to calling him back or talking to him, go for it and tell him everything you feel. He caused this so he, if he cares about you, should be willing to listen to you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

purple velvet said:


> i dont really know what happened between them and when and also what happened on the "lost" night when they ended up in a hotel and its eating me up.


What most likely happened, is that they were having sex. They were probably having sex prior to that night. If your husband was coming home at midnight, it was most likely because they were waiting for the office to empty out so they could have sex there. On that drunken night, your husband put the room on his credit card and then fell asleep afterward. So, there's no claiming he was working late on that one. So, they got together and came up with some sort of explanation that didn't involve sex.

While polygraphs aren't very accurate, you could arrange for a polygraph. Often, disloyal spouses will confess when they are faced with the prospect of taking a polygraph.



purple velvet said:


> some days i feel stronger and loving towards my husband and some days i hate him and cant stand him near me and just get these flashes of them together.


That's normal. An often cited time frame from recovering from an affair is 2-5 years. Early on, you will be all over the map. You've been traumatized. As time passes, you'll have more good days than bad days. Eventually, you'll rarely think of the affair, and when you do, it won't dredge up these visceral reactions of anxiety and pain.



purple velvet said:


> ive stopped cooking for some reason as when ive cooked him a meal and were eating it, these hate feelings get worse and i cant stop imaganing them together!


That's called a trigger. And there are a lot of them. You may not be able to wear the outfit you were wearing on D-Day. You may not be able to eat at the restaurant where you first noticed your husband texting her. You may not be able to listen to the song that was playing on the radio when your husband called you that morning. Lots of things will take your memory right back to the very instant you realized your husband was cheating. Those will also fade with time.



purple velvet said:


> i can see that i havent given him as much attention as i should have done and i regret this but i have had a lot to deal with lately.


It's good that you recognize your part in creating an unsatisfying marriage. If you can heal from the affair, you will be better prepared to create a better marriage more resistant to temptation. However, the mature and responsible reaction to having an unsatisfying marriage is to work on the marriage through counseling, date nights, and/or self-help books. The worst thing to do is to have an affair. That's going nuclear and there's no excuse for it.



purple velvet said:


> i feel like everything has changed and he is no longer my wonderful wonderful husband...he has acted so out of character nad i dont know if we will be able to get over this.


Another statistic cited on these boards is that only about 30% of marriages survive infidelity. Most of the marriages that survive have spouses that accept their faults and how they have hurt the other spouse, and work to repair that damage. It's too early to tell whether your marriage will survive or not. Like Neo, in the Matrix, you've taken the red pill. You now see your husband for what he is, not for what you thought he was. Whether you can forgive him and still love him is an unanswered question.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Like Neo, in the Matrix, you've taken the red pill. You now see your husband for what he is, not for what you thought he was.


Love The Matrix analogy. Morpheus was so awesome.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

i guess i have taken the red pill! 

my husband doesnt work in an office hes works in an intensive care unit in a hospital.

ive just called him and tried to talk and he just went mad and said here we go again, why cant you just get over it? 

im packing his stuff now, ive decided.

i asked him once again if he slept with her and he said he hasnt, in fact he shouted he hasnt and got really angry. he shouted...i just fell asleep! he said he told me what happened and i said no you havent...you just keep saying you fell asleep...no mention of how you got to the hotel room etc.

i feel like something bad is going to happen now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

purple velvet said:


> ive just called him and tried to talk and he just went mad and said here we go again, why cant you just get over it?


EW. Lack of empathy is no good.

Here's what you do: Don't call him again. Put the monkey on his back. Either he will step up to the plate and realize the damage he has caused or he won't. If he won't, you need to decide whether you want to stay married to someone who really doesn't take your feelings into account after they have betrayed you.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Sorry, but I seriously doubt all they did was _just_ sleep.



> my husband said he did not tell me the truth as he didnt want to hurt me even more....


God only knows what else he's trying to protect you from???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't know. It's very possible all they did was sleep. He did say they kissed before so there was prob some of that happening. Or maybe not. The thing is, she will prob never know 100% for sure. All she can do is trust his words which right now, don't mean sh!t, unfortunately.

And his lack of understanding her pain not good.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

thanks, i will try to do that...hes on his way home early and im going pack his stuff....no idea where he will go. 

ive just rang the other woman too and said "i know everything" and shes still denying they slept together....

why is he so angry? 

i feel like turning into a small ball now and hiding.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I don't know. It's very possible all they did was sleep. *He did say they kissed before so there was prob some of that happening.* Or maybe not. *The thing is, she will prob never know 100% for sure.* All she can do is trust his words which right now, don't mean sh!t, unfortunately.


Like I said... I seriously doubt all they did was sleep. 

That's the kicker... she'll never know what really went on in there. That doubt will ALWAYS be there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly. Just as with any affair, nobody can know for sure all the details 100% unless they videotaped it. It goes hand in hand when someone has an affair.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Either way you put it, these two were heading straight for _affaireville_.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

yep they were.

shes only been married for a year and is 20 years younger than he is.

one hour and counting till kick off.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Purple, what is happening in an hour?


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

^10-4 on that.

So sorry, purp.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm so sorry you're going through this, the emotional turmoil you're experiencing is understandable and devastating.

Yes there is a slim chance your husband's affair was sexless, but even my husband (WS) would say the odds the night in the hotel was sexless are slim to none. There were so many other options available to your husband rather than getting a hotel room . . . calling you, the OWs husband, or a friend for a ride. Taking a cab home but having him stop at an ATM to get more cash. Calling you to see if you have cash at home for him to pay the cab driver. No reason to get a hotel room unless it's what he wanted to do. At the very least, if it was totally innocent, then he should've called first out of respect to tell you what was happening. Most spouses would $#!t a brick if their spouse called and said, "I'm really drunk and going to share a hotel room with my opposite sex co-worker". I'd rather pack my kids in the car and go get his drunk @$$.

The display of defensiveness and hostility by your H over your questions screams, "I'm hiding something and want you to drop it!". It could've been oral sex, frottage, or heavy petting and not actual intercourse but any sexual physical contact is considered a PA. Either way, the glaring fact is that your husband is not demonstrating remorse or a deep understanding of the situation. He doesn't seem to be taking ownership of his affair and be willing to do the heavy lifting to help you heal.

Don't drop it. Until he starts spilling details, no matter how minor, and help you put the puzzle together you will never be able to R. Nor should you want to if he can't see what he's done to you.

Good luck, I hope he pulls his head out of his @$$ and starts realizing what he's loosing if he doesn't change his attitude.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

thank you.

his phone had died that night but i did say you should have called me from hotel room...he said he didnt want to wake me up...rubbish...like you said he didnt want to call me as he was with her.

he could have stayed with his nephew as he only lived ten mins away from where he was...the money thing i can understad s we did not have any and it was an all expenses paid night....at least thats whathe told me ut then money mustve appeared from somewhere for them to continue drinking.

why would there stories differ so? 

to be honest my biggest fear is that they had oral sex.....i dont know why..that would be the end for me.

he has cried in the last few weeks and begged me not to divorce him, he even said he would kill himself?

UT as soon as i start to ask more questions aout that last night, he gets angry.

i havent allowed myself to think about it to deeply before but this last week its all ive been able to think about what happened in that hotel room...he says they were drinking till 4-5 and then he just crashed out...her story is totally different...which one is lying?

ive never had any reason to doubt him before but havig see how he can lie, i dont believe anything he says now.

i feel sick!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Most likely their stories differ because neither one is telling the truth. Stand your ground and do some snooping. Check his email sent messages, it's how my H and the OW got busted. If money is tight, go back and look at any ATM withdrawls. See how much cash he's been spending (my H paid cash for the two times they got a hotel, it was in the afternoon and only for a few hours during their work day). Check his pay stubs and see if he had any days off last year that you don't know about. Search his car, duffle bags, golf bag, his office trash bin, etc. Research and gather evidence. You know he was having an affair, you just don't know how deep it went. 

If the OW was claiming to have relationship troubles, she could've been pushing and seducing her way into your H's life. It's how it started with my H and the OW. They would meet for drinks after work and kiss everytime. It was over a period of 7 months, although they had known each other from a distance for a couple of years at work. She was very sexual in her IMs and emails. They had secret email accounts (get a key logger and see if your H is clean) and one month they texted a lot. (She didn't like texting since it's how she was busted in her previous affairs.) 

My H first tried to trickle truth and say it was only EA, turns out it was PA too. But the late night happy hours with co-workers is how it all began. He said it was like being in another world and he loved the ego stroke she gave him, it was easy to compartmentalize that life from his life with me. I felt like I was finally getting the whole story when my H confessed to a different work affair 10 years ago. It's when your WS stops trying to shield you and starts confessing the stuff that cuts into your heart, then you feel like you're getting the full story.

The similarities in our WSs infidelity stories are many, but I'm not trying to freak you out. I only want to arm you with knowledge. My H still has a hard time believing anyone who claims their EA is only an EA, especially if they are in close proximity to each other. He did describe the affair like a drug, the feeling you get is intoxicating and the sexual tension keeps building. It's probably why the sex itself wasn't great, good but not great. He expected so much more, rainbows and unicorns no doubt, after all the build up. Instead of some deep cosmic connection, it was just sex.

Keep coming to the forum for support, it's a life saver while you go through this ordeal. I remember that sick feeling and it will go away in time, but only if your H starts doing what you need to move forward in the relationship together or if he's out of your life. Odds are that he's fearing the truth will be the final straw that makes you end it, but let him know it's the lies that are killing the relationship. If I were to find out tomorrow that my H is still lying to me about his affair or lying during our R, I'd be done. Our mantra has been, "No more bombshells." Recovering from infidelity is hard enough, but to have new information uncovered after you've started to heal would be taking you back to d-day all over again. I can do this one time only, no more second chances to get it right.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You need to just run the 180. Present a clam and focused demeanor to your husband. You can come on this forum, or talk to a counselor and freak out. But you need to start working on yourself and preparing to move on.

Your husband is angry because you're not allowing him to sweep this affair under the rug. Obviously, for him it would be best to ignore it ever happened. But that won't help you heal and it will only encourage him to do it again.

Continue to stand up for yourself. Decide what you need and, if he's unwilling to give you what you need, move on.

Good luck.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

purple velvet said:


> thanks, i will try to do that...hes on his way home early and im going pack his stuff....no idea where he will go.
> 
> ive just rang the other woman too and said "i know everything" and shes still denying they slept together....
> 
> ...


He's angry because you're not minimizing to suit his needs.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Here is the million dollar question=====

why didnt your husband just call you to pick him up..

Or he could of got the hotel room for just her & still went home..

If you truely believe he didnt cheat i feel sorry for you..

Just as my hubby didnt screw the woman he had in his hotel room..

I just found the video last month which proves he did..this was last year when it happened..i was a fool..

Please wake up....he cheated hun


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

Hello. I very quick reply as all tucked up in bed. 

Thank you all so much for your comments. He came home and was ready to leave straight away. Called me neurotic blah blah said I needed to get over it blah blah. I remained calm and only punched him once (whoops) but I kept on pushing. I saw hotel receipt checked in at 5am with her. He admitted they kissed some more and I pushed him again and he said he had wanted to have sex with her but had not and had stopped it going further. They then fell asleep. I will find out more tomorrow. I backed him into a corner literally and explained how I needed the truth so I could move On and try to make sense of it all not because I was being neurotic. He's cried a lot and apologised for getting so angry. He says he's embarrassed and so sorry he hurt me. I'm logging off now far too many emotions buzzing around today but thank you everyone.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

purple,

You don`t rent a hotel room for a woman and not have sex with her.

It just doesn`t happen.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> While polygraphs aren't very accurate, you could arrange for a polygraph. Often, disloyal spouses will confess when they are faced with the prospect of taking a polygraph.


:iagree: He may have done more than he's telling. After all he already saw the damage his little confession caused, so he might be thinking that telling the whole story is going to be ugly. The polygraph thing is a good idea, if only to see if he opens up about the whole deal. Good Luck!!!


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

purple velvet said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Hello. I very quick reply as all tucked up in bed.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your comments. He came home and was ready to leave straight away. _Called me neurotic blah blah said I needed to get over it blah blah._ I remained calm and only punched him once (whoops) but I kept on pushing. I saw hotel receipt checked in at 5am with her. He admitted they kissed some more and I pushed him again and he said he had wanted to have sex with her but had not and had stopped it going further. They then fell asleep. I will find out more tomorrow. I backed him into a corner literally and explained how I needed the truth so I could move On and try to make sense of it all not because I was being neurotic. He's cried a lot and apologised for getting so angry. He says he's embarrassed and so sorry he hurt me. I'm logging off now far too many emotions buzzing around today but thank you everyone.


How nice of him. He did something he NEVER should've done with another woman (even if it was only kissing) and he calls you neurotic for it?!:wtf:


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

thanks for your all advice and suggestions etc.

i got a key logger a few weeks ago and also hacked into his iphone and just a few texts came up and i have checked all his emails etc and he doesnt have facebook, nothing came up on them bar some friendly texts (obviosuly very friendly texts) and i also now have the iphone tracker so i know where he is at all times! 

hes not took any holidays that i dont know about too..phew.

the hotel night - we both dont drive unfortunately so i couldnt have picked him up and he was in town (where he works) around 12 miles away from home..we live in the country and only have a train service once an hour, whch stops at 11pm and then starts again at 6am, it would cost aroun £50 to get home in a taxi....and we had not been paid at that point so literally had no money (it was an all expenses paid works do)...i checked with his boss to make sure this was true too...thats no excuse for staying in the hotel those few hours though as he could have gone to his nephews flat as they live in town..

i have seen the receipt for the hotel and it confirms they checked in at around 5ish...he said he had originally got the room for her as she didnt want to go home and he had intended to get an hours kip then then the first train home at 6 (i live in the uk not the states by the way) but had fell asleep and woke up at 9 which is when she got home (around 9.30) and had told her husband she had been with him in the room..

after more pushing last night, he eventually broke down, came out of self defence mode stopped calling me neurotic when i remained calm throughout well except for one punch. he then apologised later for this and said he was just mortally embaressed at being asked these questions but totally understood why i was asking them...his default setting is to block any sort of emotional chat..he always has to be coaxed to express his true feelings.

i told him that i needed to know everything that had happened in that room for me to be able to move on...so we have...they talked...then kissed for a while, he admitted he wanted to have s e x with her but had not as he said he had a moment of clarity...and at no point did clothes come off...he had intended to get the first train home but had woke at 9am and immediately felt sick at what had gone on..obviously theres still a few gaps there and i believe that a bit more happened than what he has said yet, maybe like you say frottage etc but i will try later to get more out of him...i belivehe wil be receptive now he understands why i need to know. he has told me and looked into my eyes that oral s e x took place as it did not get that far..he had stopped when he was kissing her and felt the "urge".

i also contacted her yesterday again and tried to catch her out by saying i know you slept with him and she was just as convincing as before and said they only kissed as they had both felt too guilty to do anything else...

they have both admitted they had fancied each a few months but had only actually kissed 2 times since their affair started on the 7th november and ended on 19th december ...the first time when they were drunk when he rolled in at midnight and the hotel incident...all other times had been drinks in the pub (ive had witnesses from his collagues as to which bars they have been in etc as they were seen)...he was on these time home around 2 hours later than normal which fits in with train times etc.

i did explain that i am very concerned as because their affair was rudley cut short that it will start up again in the near future as they do work together....he said that he had realsied when he had stopped himself and taking things further kissing her that what he was doing was so wrong and this will not happen...but we shall see how that goes....i dont believe he will but then as long as they are working in the same hospital and dept, there will always be a chance i guess...ive been assured by him and also his boss now that they do not work together closely and its literaly just to hand over work details...his boss has also allowed him to change his hours so he goes into work earlier and finish earlier and also his boss has made sure they do not work in the same teams at any point....ive spoke to his oss about this, it was nice to be reassured.

i have a medical appt at the hospital where they work next wed and im going to go and see her out of the blue and ask her the same questions again but so i can see her face and see what vibes i get. i will also tell her in no uncertain terms if i find that she has tried to contact my husband or speak to him about anything other than work I will quite literally smash her face in, ensure she splits up from her husband and also make her lose her job...might even give her a shove in the shoulder at the same time so she knows i mean business. i dont know if this makes any difference but shes also bi-polar.

i dont belive they had s e x but i think i have to accept that some sexy kissing +++ went on in that room...they would have been drinking from 6pm until 4.30am by that point

still early days yet too but my husband is now a lot more aware of how i feel and what i want from him in order to feel more secure going forward.

am now going to have a big read of the newbie posts someone directed me to yesterday.

ps i had a look at polygraphs and here in the uk they cost about £500...is that right?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> Sorry, but I seriously doubt all they did was _just_ sleep.


As Jerry and Elaine said on Seinfeld, THAT is not really sleep.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is a full on EA, but most likely PA.

Have you exposed the affair to the OWH yet?


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

yes ive been speaking to him a lot...he was the one who called me the morning after night he didnt come home (the hotel room incident) as she had confessed to him as soon as she had walked in the door that they had checked into the hotel at 5am...although for some reason when she told me more detail she said it was 2am but ive now seen the hotel room receipt and its says 4.45am.

she did say earlier this morning actually when i questioned her about it that it may have been that time as she doesnt wear a watch and her phone had died.

she has told her husband that they had kissed when they checked into the room but had stopped and then they talked again then literally passed out and woke up at 9am 

i might push for more info again later from my husband.....am i wrong in wanting to know EXACTLY what happened.ie how they came to kiss, how they kissed, did her touch her etc...at what point did they stop?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you need to stop contacting OW

it does no good, she's only going to lie 

no contact is the only way to go here


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you need to stop contacting OW
> 
> it does no good, she's only going to lie
> 
> no contact is the only way to go here


Looks like OW was able to TT her BH too. Or maybe she was all naked and ready but WH couldn't get it up because he was so drunk. Who knows? They will only admit to what you can prove.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Looks like OW was able to TT her BH too. Or maybe she was all naked and ready but WH couldn't get it up because he was so drunk. Who knows? They will only admit to what you can prove.


especially since their initial stories aren't straight


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

Ask your husband how he would react if it was the other way around? Would he accept your story and move on? Chances are you would be kicked out the door mid sentence. Muster up some self respect and tell him you don't have stupid stamped on your forhead and that he has ten minutes to come clean on everything and you might consider that he made a big mistake and continue to work on your mrriage with conditions. If he still denies any contact other than kissing and you find out the truth in time he's out the door. This is his his only opportunity. You have the upper hand in this situation don't settle for crumbs of assurances. You deserve better than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Are you sure they didn't wake up,realize the hot water they were in,and decide what the hell we may as well enjoy ourselves because we're going to be crucified one way or the other?In their state they probably couldn't be sure who saw them together and needed to come up with minimal excuses to explain their actions.Their belief that they may have been seen,may have been their only reason to admit to the bare minimum.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Very possible that's all there was going on that night, but like you already think, the "kissing" is probably being sugar-coated. Keep asking very specific details if you want to know. "How long did you kiss? Were you laying down on the bed? Were you on top of her? Did you rub on each other? Did either one of you reach climax from rubbing on each other?" All of the above can be done fully clothed. So he may not be lying at the moment, but he very well could be leaving out very important details to the extent of the kissing.

Side note, don't trust a person looking you in the eye as being truthful. My H looked me dead in the eye and point blank said he never kissed the OW. I found out less than 12 hours later they rented a hotel room twice and had sex three times. I also vaguely remember reading an article about looking a person in the eye means squat when it comes to sincerity.

Good job on doing your research by the way! That should help with moving forward. The polygraph might be worth the investment for your peace of mind. Plus from what I hear from other posters, there's been many a WS spilling their guts in the parking lot right before the test.

Stay strong and do what feels right for you!


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I think they are both trying to do "Damage control". Im sure the OW's husband accepts her "story" so I would try to contact him and tell him what you know, He deserves the truth (at least as much truth as you know).

For your husband, Hes too much of a coward to admit to anything because he thinks he still has a chance. He can denie all he wants but there is an incredibly high chance they did have sex and are trying to cover it up to avoid any more trouble. Just divorce him and get it over with, He isnt worth the trouble.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

ive spoken more to him today and spoke to the ow husband too...ow's husband says she says the same as my husband told me. 

ow husband has also told me that she does have major problems with her bipolar and also at that point when they had gone out for their works christmas party shes had actually been drinking and taking drugs for around 4 days and he believes thats why her story about the hotel timings do not correspond with my husbands and the hotel receipt.

my husband said they kissed for maybe a minute, and that was it then they both just stopped and made their decision to stop. he said at no point did they dry hump or whatever.

he has said he did not touch her and she did not touch him and that she just basically passed out and he sat there with his head in his hands at that point thinking how the hell he had got there (not the hotel room but to that partic point in time)..he said when he woke up at 9am he said to her this has all been a terrible mistake and im going home to my wife...he said she said the same. 

he said he intented literally just to sleep for an hour then get up to get the train but woke up at 9am and thats obviosuly when the crap hit the fan. 

she went home and told her husband straight away where she had been and that they hadnt slept together but had kissed.

my husband has also agreed to take a lie detector test..now i just have to find one that doesnt cost £500.

he has also agreed to take a std test.

he is adament that he hs not slept with her or done anything similar and the tests will prove this.

i think after 11 years with him to simply walk away from the marriage over this would be the wrong thing to do. call me stupid but thats what i believe.

ive told him again that if anything comes out that hes not telling me i will divorce him and that i keep in regular contact with the ow's husband (which i do).


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> As Jerry and Elaine said on Seinfeld, THAT is not really sleep.


@lord:

“Oh my god. An affair. It’s so adult. It’s like with stockings and martinis and William Holden.” -George Costanza

Priceless.


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## ShreddedWheat (Feb 5, 2012)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am five weeks out from my own D-Day and I so understand how you want to know what happened in that hotel room.

But honestly, what difference does it make whether or not he stuck his **** in her? Does thinking that he didn't make it better for you? Really? I doubt it.

I am nearly 100% sure that my husband's dalliance was an EA and never went physical and you know what? It ****ing doesn't matter! I'm still in agony.

I get how you want to hang onto some hope, some shred of your dignity, but honestly ask yourself whether it truly matters.

In the grand scheme of things your marriage is seriously in trouble. Whether they had sex that night or not, your marriage is in serious, serious trouble. I think you are getting yourself caught up in some obsessive minutiae about how far they went thinking that if you could know that they didn't have sex it won't be so bad for you. That your pain won't be so bad. But it isn't going to work that way.

It's bad. And you'll likely either never know or never believe that they didn't anyway.

Focus on taking care of you. Get counseling. Get lots of counseling. I've been going three times a week since I made my own horrific discovery. 

Get exercise. You need to burn off all the adrenaline or you are going to make yourself sick.

Stop talking to that *****. You'll never get any satisfying answers from her; I promise you that.

Eat and sleep as best you can. I've lost 10lbs I could not afford to lose since this went down.

Don't make any major decisions about the future of your marriage right now. You are too sick to make any major decisions. Get counseling and take care of your health first.

And one last piece of advice. I made my husband move out for one night (I pulled a Waiting to Exhale, tossed out all his clothes, and smashed every single personal thing of his that he came into this marriage with), but the I realized that separation is the first step to divorce. I'm not sure I want a divorce and I didn't want to put my husband out and into more potential harm's way. We can't work on our marriage apart.

Also, you need to stop hitting him. You will not get the truth out of him until you can calm yourself down and act civilized. I know you are hurt, but you've got to start acting like a person who can be trusted with the truth if you want to get any.

And again. I'm so sorry.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> This is a full on EA, but most likely PA.
> 
> Have you exposed the affair to the OWH yet?


:iagree:


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

thank you shredded wheat.

your post makes complete sense.

i did only hit him once and that was because he was being an idiot and saying i was neurotic and obsessive and i needed to get over it...literally 20 mins later he ws crying his eyes out and apologising like crazy, saying it was a defence mechanism, he was so sorry he hurt me and lied to me. 

you are right, i guess i am trying to justify me staying with him because he hasnt slept with her but im struggling to admit that my marriage is in big truoble despite the glaring evidence!!!

i do feel calmer than i did last week but i still seem to constantly shake my head at it all..its like im still in disbelief mode i guess.

he has always been such a lovely lovely and caring man, not like the "others"...thats what i loved about him, the fact that he was a gentleman and seemed to love me unconditionally.

myhusband seems to think we can get through this, he says he loves me with all his heart and he will never do such a thing again and please can i forgive him in time....says it was a stupid few weeks and he forgot momentarily exactly how much he loves me.

i guess counselling is the way to go isnt it...i have so many things in mind...

have you thought about marriage counselling for you and your husband?

thank you again and i hope you and your h get through this too.


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## ShreddedWheat (Feb 5, 2012)

purple velvet said:


> i guess counselling is the way to go isnt it...i have so many things in mind...
> 
> have you thought about marriage counselling for you and your husband?
> 
> thank you again and i hope you and your h get through this too.


I wish I could tell you that knowing your husband didn't have sex that night would make it easier for you, but I'm afraid that I can't. Even my knowing (or pretty close to knowing because how can you ever know for sure?) that my husband didn't have intercourse hasn't made me NOT in agony.

I don't think counseling is just an option, it's an absolute necessity.

Yes, we are in counseling together. Our new hobby is counseling. That's what we do. I've been going twice a week individually and then we have a couple's counseling session. My husband has been going twice a week and then couple's counseling as well.

Our counselor says that we're doing better than most at this point, but I think it is because we've put in very hard work facing very painful truths.

This will not just go away with a promise from him that he won't ever do this again. Your husband already made you a promise on your wedding day that he broke. As far as I'm concerned, your husband's promises at this point are worthless. 

I think for you to start healing, you need action from him to prove that he's committed to changing so this doesn't happen again.

This didn't happen because he had a few too many drinks or whatever. This happened for a reason and he needs to work that out.

You both need a proactive plan on what you need to do to make your marriage be.

And you need the tools to piece back yourself back together.

I really do care. I'm in the same boat. My husband is the last man in the world anyone would have thought would stray. I think that's made it even worse in some ways. I never, ever saw it coming. But now I can see that I also wasn't looking.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

I really appreciate your post. 

I'm looking into counselling tomorrow. 

I told him today that just because we are still together at this point it doesn't mean that there is something very wrong in our marriage and he was shocked. 

I guess I have a long road ahead of me. 

Keep in toutch if you can. 

Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Doverrover2 (Feb 1, 2012)

Only thing I can suggest is getting a polygraph test for him, I didnt see anywhere that you did that unless I missed it?

If he wont do it, you know he is lying. 

I had nearly the same thing happen to me, except my wife did it to me (sexless) at least. Sorry for the short advice, its tough and try to talk instead of fight if you want to stay with him. I found staying out of the house stops me from getting angry.


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## purple velvet (Feb 3, 2012)

Doverrover2 said:


> Only thing I can suggest is getting a polygraph test for him, I didnt see anywhere that you did that unless I missed it?
> 
> If he wont do it, you know he is lying.
> 
> I had nearly the same thing happen to me, except my wife did it to me (sexless) at least. Sorry for the short advice, its tough and try to talk instead of fight if you want to stay with him. I found staying out of the house stops me from getting angry.


Hi thanks for your reply 

Yes he's agreed to one. He doesn't know they cost £500 though. There's no way We can afford that but in going to keep looking for a cheaper one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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