# The Pain is still there.....



## Tuesday (Dec 8, 2009)

It's so hard to even admit that I am still in pain over this...my H, makes me feel like I am crazy because I can't let it go, I tell him that he does not understand because it didn't happen to him. The A was over 2 yrs ago...he spent a whole yr trying to get her to like him, he put in all this time and effort into getting HER attention and all the while, I never suspected; he created a whole fantasy story to this woman (that he was in a miserable marriage, that I was crazy and having an affair of my own, that he was this dedicated dad and I never wanted children, he played victimized H and of course NONE of that was true, the stories were very detailed and nuts) He even has a tattoo of my name on his ring finger under his wedding ring and he would take off his wedding ring and cover the tat with a band aid. (this really hurt me, amongst other things). I replay all of the events that I know about in my mind; I caught him through email. I read the emails that he was sending her, heard some vm that he left for her. He spent a yr trying to hook up with her and all the while he would come home, and bring me flowers, acted normal. In the back of my mind, I knew and even suspected something (woman's intuition) I just never did anything about anything, I let it go because I thought it was my imagination. I never spent time spying on him ( I still don't) and yet I can't get over it. I think the biggest reason why I can't is because he does not put forth the effort that I expect him to after all the pain that he has caused. I tell him what I need and what I want and why I hurt and he says that I am right and that he understands and nothing changes. We tried therapy briefly after I found out about the affair. He is not very receptive to therapy, but I feel like I really need it. 
I used to be a dynamic, strong and vibrant woman; now I am holed up in my house, finances have crippled us; I have no car, no money, no way out. (he has the car and the job) I have no life other than devoting myself to H and the kids. I have no one to confide in. People still think that I have it all (family, good H, smart, attractive) it is all a facade. I am dying inside. I tell H that I need our lives to change...there are so many things that hinder our progress, money being one of the main ones. I know that as long as he knows I have no where to go, not much will change, but I have no idea how to change anything without some financial help. We used to do well financially, now I feel like I will not be able to get back to having a life for yrs. 
Even still, sometimes I think we will be ok and then other times the memories of the A come flooding back! If only he would dedicate himself to trying a little harder to make me feel like I am worth the effort, worth fighting for. I feel so sad. I still feel like the affair was a month ago, not two yrs! Why is it still so fresh in my head.
I ask him why he cheated and he says "I don't know" I can't move passed this when I get answers like that. Its been two years and I don't feel any better. Words of wisdom needed!


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I am so sorry for you and your suffering.

I discovered my wife's affair on Feb. 9th, 2008. What's that, 22 months ago? It still hurts like hell, but has been getting better because my wife has been honest with me for the past 16 months about EVERYTHING.

Money being tight, it's not like you have easy access to Marriage counseling or an attorney. Your husband might have insurance that would cover counseling (mine did). You definitely need it.

Honesty is the best policy. Is your husband being open and truthful with you? Has he ended contact with the other woman? If you asked him for his passwords to read his phone messages and emails, would he let you? He better, for the sake of your marriage.

Hang in there and chat with us when you need to.


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## Tuesday (Dec 8, 2009)

thanks Sven....your words of validation brought tears to my eyes. Thank you, Thank you!! I read your story and I am so amazed and inspired by your dedication to your marriage! What happened to our society that guys like you are the minority, these days! Your wife is very lucky, I hope she realizes that now!
Yes he seems to be honest, he does allow access, but I was never the one to spy. Although, he allowed access when he was cheating too, only he had secret email accounts that I did not know about, so allowing access was no issue....until I found the secret accounts! I found them purely by accident! I think I am still struggling because I still feel like there is so much that I do not know about what happened. He HATES when I try to talk about it and bring it up! All I am really looking for is for him to SHOW me through emotions, actions, not just words that he loves me. I look forward to intimate time together, he only looks forward to it when he needs to satisfy himself. He claims that's not true, but what's he gonna say..right? There has been no contact with the OW since I found out. I actually did a lot of communicating with her after I found out because we were both lied to by him. They worked in the same facility (she is a doctor) not better looking than me, but more educated. He said when the affair happened that it was all about "being the man" I don't even know what that means! Now when I ask him, why he cheated...all he offers is "I don't know" and that is just not acceptable. Obviously he does know and is not being honest about that. I don't think that there is any real threat of another affair anytime soon....although one thing the OW said to me freaked me out....she said that this was not his first time cheating (he swears it was the first and only) I feel like an idiot for believing anything he had said in the past so now when he says this was the only time...I find myself second guessing. I HATE this! I wish I could move past the pain. I can not even bring up trying to talk about it because he gets very defensive and it will ALWAYS turn into a fight. You coped with more and forgave a lot more....why am I having such difficulty!


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Tuesday said:


> thanks Sven....your words of validation brought tears to my eyes. Thank you, Thank you!! I read your story and I am so amazed and inspired by your dedication to your marriage! What happened to our society that guys like you are the minority, these days! Your wife is very lucky, I hope she realizes that now!


Wow, that means so much to me. Thank you.




Tuesday said:


> You coped with more and forgave a lot more....why am I having such difficulty!


You are having difficulty because he is still not being honest with you. Repairing the marriage is impossible as long as your husband refuses to talk about it.

My dear wife - bless her heart - would just sit there, looking totally whipped, as I grilled her over and over, day after day. Eventually I was tired of questions and declared in dramatic fashion "NO MORE TALK OF THE AFFAIR."

That was a mistake. She needed to talk, and I just cut her off.

Now we talk about it from time to time, whenever one of us needs too. But it's not often (more so now that I'm on this forum).

I was able to force my wife to make a choice by hiring an attorney. That really shook her up. She realized for the first time that I might actually kick her out and that is when the real healing began.

You might need to do the same thing, if you can get the money.


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## Tuesday (Dec 8, 2009)

I have just started to work, but only part time and from home because I am so limited otherwise. (I can not even believe that I have let myself get into this situation) I have just this afternoon, tried to get him to understand why I am so hurt, that I need him to SHOW me love..(the fact that I even have to ask for him to show his love is degrading) especially since he was the one who had the affair....so I spent last night and the better part of this afternoon trying to explain what I need from him and it only leads to more arguing. I can't get through. He does not hear me. He just got a new job (yippeee for him, he gets freedom while I am still stuck) so maybe there is therapy on the horizon


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am feeling your pain on this one. I am going through this with my husband too, and I can only offer what has happened so far as any advice. 

I keep repeating what happened and asking questions, trying to figure out how he could do this, and he finally got frustrated with me and told me " I don't want to feel ashamed every day about what I did". Okay, I get that. BUT in the end I was the one that was hurt so if I need to talk about, so be it lol. 

I did take this one piece of advice from a girlfriend and told him I wanted a letter for Christmas. My husband isn't good with words ( apparently he is only good with them when he is getting into some nasty girls pants) so I NEED to know exactly how he feels about me and how he feels about what he did to me. And what he plans on doing for US to make it and so it doesn't happen again. Just a though. Plus, a letter is free and we are sucking this year financially.


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## need2talk (Dec 9, 2009)

So, sad to hear your story. Mine is so similar. My husband told his girl that I was dead. The things he has done to me are unspeakable. We had to sell our home. I know what you mean about not being the same. I too feel like I have lost my sparkle. At the same time I feel torn because I can't accept that he could do all these things to me. I still want him to be the man he was.


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