# Shattered, Lost, and Confused



## ShatteredMan (Sep 18, 2021)

Long Story short, I found messages on my wife's Instagram that were not at all ok for a married woman to have, ending with her inviting the guy to Snapchat. In this instance, there were messages from 2 guys. Now the kicker... these messages were from 3 years ago, less than 3 months after our son was born (Yes, she was at home with our Newborn on maternity leave). Fast forward to end of last year/beginning of this year. I found out where she had gone out to dinner with another woman, and 2 guys. She initially told me about it, but said it was a work dinner (which does happen, I've been to them). However in this case she lied about it. I don't believe it was anything more than dinner, as she was home shortly enough after. However just another instance of the lies.
After confrontation of the instagram, which she didn't deny, she at first said it was because we were fighting and I wasn't emotional enough for her. 3 months after our son was born... cmon. She later changed it to her being off her meds because of being pregnant and was feeling post partum depression. Now, before finding this out, and probably a year after the instagram messaging took place. I told her I hated snapchat, didn't understand why anyone would ever need messaging that disappears. She basically told me I was crazy and wasn't a big thing. She even said "my mom is on snapchat". I unfortunately let it go. 
After the confrontation, I told her I wanted to know how many other times. She said none. I said... so you're telling me I happened to find the only times it ever happened... after 3 years? She said yes.
I don't believe it. I kept digging. Nothing else concrete, but found facebook messages from like 2012 until the time we started dating with a guy She had on and off casual meetings with. These messages were pretty consistent and often enough. 
I confronted her with this saying, why is there not a single message from him since we started dating. She said she didn't know. She even said "I must have deleted them, but don't know why". Still claiming there was no other infidelity I didn't already find. I can't believe it. Even if there wasn't infidelity, the guy would have to at least message saying "hey haven't talked to you/you haven't replied" or something right? And how can she not know why or what she deleted.
I told her the act isn't as bad as the lying. I just want to know how many times, how much of a problem this is/has been. That I thought she was embarrassed, ashamed, or maybe didn't want to hurt me... but that the lies are hurting more. She stands her ground, there were no others.
Since the confrontation, she's fallen on the sword. Agreeing and accepting to everything I want or ask. Normal guilt? Or guilt from still hiding more?
She's agreed to counseling, our first session is tomorrow. 
I love her. I want to reconcile. I want to stay together. But I can't take the lies. There is a hold. A void.
I have Noone to talk to. I don't have many close friends I'd talk to this about. And the ones I do, are also friends with her. My family and her family are out. Her and I talk alot, but it's not the same. She just apologizes, says she loves me, wants to stay together, and sticks to there is nothing I don't know.

Am I crazy? Is there more? Do I keep fighting it? I don't know what to do.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s been cheating since you met her and she’s told so many lies that she probably doesn’t know herself what the truth is.
Either accept that your married to someone who wants other men in her life or else start divorce proceedings.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's impossible for anyone here to say based in what you have said. How about suggesting a lie detector test?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Be careful, don't show your hand.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DNA that kid.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The marriage isn’t broken she is. Marriage Counselors are mostly rug sweepers. You’d be lucky to find a decent one. If they start blaming you for her cheating get up and leave.


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## EdDean (Sep 12, 2021)

Lots of concerning things here but some good as well. Your wife apparently had an EA with men several years ago. More recently? That’s bad. No evidence (yet) of a PA. That’s good. Or at least less bad. From what your post would indicate; she’s showing signs of regret and some actions of remorse (seeing a counselor). 

Right now you’re in an angry panicked emotional state. Try to take a deep breathe and turn off the mind movies going through your head about all the things you think she may have done. Don’t invent problems that don’t exist yet.

Right now you’re desperately looking for a way to feel some sense of safety within your relationship. So make a list of concrete things she can do to help you feel that way. Don’t share it with her now but bring it to your MC session tomorrow. Also ask her to come up with her own list of things she can do to reassure you at the meeting. Not promises. Not words. But actions. Insist she send a no contact message to any of these guys she still has an address for. That part is non negotiable. She should be willing to give you access to all of her social media. Or better yet delete them. Phone passwords. Credit card statements. Etc. If she really wants to demonstrate remorse these are things she should be willing to do. I like Diana7 suggestion about the polygraph test.Those are actually pretty easy to setup. I think maybe hold off on that one for a little bit though. See what she has tomorrow.

And brace yourself for an onslaught of messages to this thread from guys demanding you immediately tar and feather her and begin divorce proceedings before the end of the day. There are a lot of really angry betrayed husbands around here looking to project their vengeance onto your wife. Like a TON. Tune them out for now. Take things one step at a time. Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She’s been dating other men bud. EA with physical contact like going out to dinner is probably a sexual affair. You’re in denial like most.

It was a double date with her friend who is probably an enabler. From what you posted it smells like serial cheating.

Upfront a lot promise the moon but I doubt that’ll last.

You are only a chump if you allow it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Any time there is infidelity that is discovered rather than admitted, there is more that is hidden. Period. She never wanted you to find anything she’s ever done, and she still holds that mentality today.

Wanting something to be different is not the same as facing reality. Before you go to a marriage counselor to get brain washed into accepting responsibility for her cheating, I hope you figure out what kind of relationship you really had, as opposed to the one you’d hoped to have.

Sorry your wife is a jerk. Wishing you lots of luck.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

ShatteredMan said:


> I love her. I want to reconcile. I want to stay together. But I can't take the lies.


It's the way she is, accept it or move on.
DNA testing the kid may help you with your decision.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> She’s been dating other men bud.
> 
> It was a double date with her friend who is probably an enabler.


These things are true.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Since she is falling on the sword...secretly install key logger software n her phone...in addition ask her to take a polygraph


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

ShatteredMan

Every time you catch her, you confront. This just drives it underground. Start laying low, gather information, get your sh1t together, then crush her. Go stealth. 

Additional actions:

1. DNA your kid. I don't care if they are your spitting image. Set a tone with her.
2. Have yourself tested for STIs. Once again, set a tone.
3. Check in with a lawyer. Find your options.
4. Hire a PI. They are worth the money.
5. Start the 180. Google The 180 For Hurt Spouses. Practice it religiously.

Good Luck!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sorry this has happened. I would tell both families, it will give you some proper perspective.

At the moment you’re lost, and in pain, understandable. You aren’t telling them because they will give you the truth, and you’re not ready for that.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@ShatteredMan buddy, I know the feeling when you don't feel safe in your own relationship!
There is strong indication that she was playing behind your back for some time now!
One thing you need to understand, she only confessed to what you can prove!

You must (I repeat) you must show her emotional strength, you must show her that you are not afraid to throw in the towel and call it quits, *bluff if you must!*
She needs to know that you are strong and capable of walking away and finding someone else, *bluff if you must!*
Like other posters said. DNA your kid (even if you know %100 his yours) it's to set the tone and show her how badly she broke you trust (consequences my friend!)
You need to get a free consultation with a lawyer (they all offer free consultation sessions), speak to two or three, to get a better picture, you don't have to file, but you need to know your options and how things will look like, don't be the weak guy who gets blindsided!
Install a key logger on her phone and a monitoring software (don't tell her about it)
Tell her no more male friends (gay or not), set the relationship tone and strong boundaries, you said it yourself:


> I found messages on my wife's Instagram that were *not at all ok for a married woman to have*, ending with her inviting the guy to Snapchat.


If you find something don't confront and show your hands, cheaters only confess to what you have proof of!

When you're done with all of these things tell her to start IC with someone who has experience in infidelity (NOT MC), MC is a waste of time and very hard to find a good one, they usually will put the blame on you in order to rug sweep every thing!
And yes tell her you had a lawyer consultation to know your options, she needs to know that you are not weak, and you will never accept any betrayals, and you are willing to walk away if you are not satisfied with her progress, she need to see that you mean business!

Cancel the MC, it's to soon, your marriage is not the problem, she is, and tell her she needs to start IC with someone with experience in infidelity, tell her the problem is her not the marriage, if she had any problems she could have come to you and asked for MC, not looking else where!
You can start MC later only when she understands why she gave herself permission to engage with other men, she can only understand her whys after spending a decent time with a a good IC!
Tell her you will only stick around if she is a safe partner.. and you will not wait long!

I can tell you from experience, women only respect strong, confident and decisive men, so be one!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

EdDean said:


> And brace yourself for an onslaught of messages to this thread from guys demanding you immediately tar and feather her and begin divorce proceedings before the end of the day. There are a lot of really angry betrayed husbands around here looking to project their vengeance onto your wife. Like a TON. Tune them out for now. Take things one step at a time. Good luck.


For someone who has been on this forum for about ten minutes, you sure act like you know the lay of the land. You don't.

OP, you are asking a known liar to be truthful. Truthfully? All you can reasonably expect are more lies - she will only own up to what you can prove. She'll even lie to the marriage counselor. Bank on it. Keep your ears open and mouth shut as the devil is in the details and she will most likely slip up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> For someone who has been on this forum for about ten minutes, you sure act like you know the lay of the land. You don't.
> *
> OP, you are asking a known liar to be truthful. Truthfully? All you can reasonably expect are more lies - she will only own up to what you can prove. She'll even lie to the marriage counselor. Bank on it. Keep your ears open and mouth shut as the devil is in the details and she will most likely slip up.*


This^^^^^ You want R but don’t even know the tip of this iceberg. Unless you wake up to reality you will just make this situation worse. I love her so she must love me too? Her actions say she doesn’t.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

ShatteredMan said:


> .
> I love her. I want to reconcile. I want to stay together. But I can't take the lies. There is a hold. A void.
> I have Noone to talk to. I don't have many close friends I'd talk to this about. And the ones I do, are also friends with her. My family and her family are out. Her and I talk alot, but it's not the same. She just apologizes, says she loves me, wants to stay together, and sticks to there is nothing I don't know.
> 
> Am I crazy? Is there more? Do I keep fighting it? I don't know what to do.


If she knows you want to stay and reconcile, what incentive does she has to tell the truth? It's in her interest to lie because I presume you've told her you wish to stay? Have you? It would be nice if wayward spouses spilled truth under the name of integrity and honor, but that's not how they think or operate. 

They operate to defend their positions and not concede all truths. They place themselves in front of the relationship, so it's best that you proceed knowing this. You and the relationship is 2nd or 3rd in priority. The relationship has a chance of vaulting to top position if she feels like it can be lost, however again, if you have conveyed you wish to reconcile she has nothing to lose and will continue to control, withhold, omit and lie. 

You can control matters but you'll have to courageously be willing to lose the relationship for real. Not threat, but to really walk away. Infidelity is a battle of wills. The strongest one will win usually. In this case it's her will to be inauthentic with you. She can and will win if you have already decided to stay. Again, no incentive to come truthfully. It's hard but if you want a different outcome, you will have to think and act differently.


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## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

Would you consider to have a couples counselling to settle everything once and for all?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Ladyrare said:


> Would you consider to have a couples counselling to settle everything once and for all?


counselling never settles things, it's quite often the betrayed gets the blame!


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## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> counselling never settles things, it's quite often the betrayed gets the blame!


Yes, I understand because it's not a one-size-fits-all solution. That's why I asked if he would consider it...


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