# Correlation between affairs and self-esteem



## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

Do you think that most people who engage in infidelity (EA or PA) or who are high risk for it tend to have low self-esteem, and the affairs come about, to some extent, because the OW/OM being interested helps increase self-esteem? Are they looking for love outside their marriages, thinking that what they are missing is love within their marriage, when what they really need is to learn to love themselves?

I ask because I see a lot of people mention it here - that they had affairs because the OW/OM paid attention to them - made them feel good about themselves - made them feel young/sexy/attractive again - etc.

I also ask because in my personal experience, with people I know, almost 100% of the time those who admit to cheating or whose spouses have told me that they were cheated on, were people that unfortunately today's society would consider physically unattractive or social failures. My STBX-H, my best friend's ex-H, my last boss, a couple of people I know from various community groups - who all had affairs - were all significantly overweight. Others were both men and women obviously going through mid-life crisis which I'm sure is devastating to one's self-esteem. At least one was a man who felt worthless because he had lost his job and his wife was the one who had to provide for the family while he stayed at home with the kids. The man I had an EA with after I found out the first time about my H cheating on me, was overweight and going through an extremely nasty divorce. He felt like a failure because his wife left him for a man who made more money than he did. I felt physically unattractive because the woman my H had been seeing was thinner and prettier than I considered myself to be. Granted at the time considering our spouses' behavior we both felt justified in our behavior. But if we had both had higher self-esteem maybe we wouldn't have been drawn to each others' neediness in the first place.


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## afterthefact (Aug 29, 2011)

I'm no expert but do think it is often the case. If not self esteem then to fill the void for something ... unless they are just 'addicted' to sex (which i'm not convinced is as often as folks claim it is)...

but you are correct in saying that it is a common theme in a lot of posts... but maybe a professional can tell us if it is often the case or just another excuse often used.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think it was the principle thing that made me susceptible to an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Rose- I absolutely agree that YES, it has a LOT to do with self esteem. Was definitely the case with my WW.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Although my WH would not own up to it I think that it played a huge part in his. That and as he stated "just being a man". I asked him did she stroke his ego and things of that nature and he said no. However I remember him saying to me on a few occassions that when she start comingon to him she would say how fine he was and how good he looked and that I didn't deserve him and she was going to take him from me. Also not to long ago he said to me that I don't tell him he is handsome and thats when I ask was that what she did and was it a ego boost. He said no he was just thinking but I think it has something to do with it. He is not a ugly man but he always says things like I know I'm ugly or something similar. Then at times says " I know I look good". IDK but I think it played a part.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

Yes, I believe this is the case though of course I'm no expert. My wife's guy "friend" was really unattractive and somewhat dim, but he paid attention to her and the rest just fell into place for him. She felt reinvigorated by his attention, as she admitted a few months ago. I'm still trying to deal with how everything we'd put together for ourselves was so potentially disposable because of a few weak compliments by him. My frequent compliments to her meant less because "I'm her husband and so I have to think that way." She got no boost from my attention.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Absolutely.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I partially agree in my and my wife's situations.
We are both fit, ( I think we are) attractive, no real self esteem issues. We were both neglected by each other and complacent in our relationship.
The OM and OW gave each of us that acknowledgment that we both craving that we are attractive, sexy, and worthwhile of someone's affection and desire.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

My ex who cheated on me had a very low self esteem. I very strongly agree that it was her self esteem. I gave her all that i could when i was gone (went to college another state) and it wasnt enough.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

IMO: I don't think this to be the case. Sure, I will concede that a person with a low self-esteem might be more susceptible to be lured into an affair by the attentions of another. I just don't agree that it's the case in most instances.

I think the cause of most affairs can't be attributed to one specific thing. It's more likely that there are many small problems inside the marriage that mount up over time. Kind of a "death by paper cuts " theory. 

If I was trying to find the reason(s) why an affair took place I would start by examining these areas (not a complete list) first:

1. Lifestyle
2. Communication/teamwork
3. Inner Circle/what kind of people are allowed close contact with the marriage?
4. Daily Schedule
5. Priorities 
6. Perspective
7. Emotional Connection

If all the above areas are solid...it would be hard for a person to have an affair...even if they had low self esteem. Then again if all the areas above were good...the person might find out that they don't have a low self-esteem after all.


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## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

I Wouldn't say low selfesteem I'd say selfishness and all they are thinking about is themselves and how it makes them feel !!! They don't give a crap about who they are hurting...And the funny part about all this is that grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence if anything its much browner then the side they were on!!!


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## Daviekins (Sep 4, 2011)

I think low self esteem can play a big part in it. However where do you draw the line? Until you get battered down with them by association?


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

WillS said:


> My frequent compliments to her meant less because "I'm her husband and so I have to think that way." She got no boost from my attention.


I can really relate to that. As set out in my related thread about my wayward wife, she once said the reason why she is getting attention from other man is because I am "cold" and "not interested" -- nothing could be further from the truth. While I am far from perfect, I have been a very loving companion and good husband from the beginning. Including complimenting her, being positive about her, helping her out in numerous ways every day. The lies about my supposed sub-par conduct just cover up some other deep-seated issue she has about life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ILOVEDHIM said:


> I Wouldn't say low selfesteem I'd say selfishness and all they are thinking about is themselves and how it makes them feel !!! They don't give a crap about who they are hurting...And the funny part about all this is that grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence if anything its much browner then the side they were on!!!


I too agree their is a completely selfish motivation at work... my W never had a high SE, she was ALWAYS talking about her weight, and was making all sorts of changes to her style and appearance, however her lifestyle decisions over the past year and a half, led her to some kind of belief that she deserved more that she wasn't "getting" from me but she wasn't doing her share of work in the marriage either. She was literally telling her friends how much better she was than I, but she could not realize that it was because she was "standing on my head" in the relationship, and her wonderfully fantastic new life as a single woman was only because I let her springboard off of me. So yeah she didn't give a crap about the people she hurt, nor do I think she is capable of understanding because she won't "look down" to where she thinks she left me and all I was trying to offer. I honestly believe she felt she deserved better, and to me that is clearly not a sign of low self esteem.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

wild_irish_rose said:


> Do you think that most people who engage in infidelity (EA or PA) or who are high risk for it tend to have low self-esteem, and the affairs come about, to some extent, because the OW/OM being interested helps increase self-esteem? Are they looking for love outside their marriages, thinking that what they are missing is love within their marriage, when what they really need is to learn to love themselves?
> 
> I ask because I see a lot of people mention it here - that they had affairs because the OW/OM paid attention to them - made them feel good about themselves - made them feel young/sexy/attractive again - etc.
> 
> I also ask because in my personal experience, with people I know, almost 100% of the time those who admit to cheating or whose spouses have told me that they were cheated on, were people that unfortunately today's society would consider physically unattractive or social failures. My STBX-H, my best friend's ex-H, my last boss, a couple of people I know from various community groups - who all had affairs - were all significantly overweight. Others were both men and women obviously going through mid-life crisis which I'm sure is devastating to one's self-esteem. At least one was a man who felt worthless because he had lost his job and his wife was the one who had to provide for the family while he stayed at home with the kids. The man I had an EA with after I found out the first time about my H cheating on me, was overweight and going through an extremely nasty divorce. He felt like a failure because his wife left him for a man who made more money than he did. I felt physically unattractive because the woman my H had been seeing was thinner and prettier than I considered myself to be. Granted at the time considering our spouses' behavior we both felt justified in our behavior. But if we had both had higher self-esteem maybe we wouldn't have been drawn to each others' neediness in the first place.


Yes. Low self-esteem is the force behind the impulse that causes a person to satiate the appetites of the ego and body. Because we are designed to seek pleasure, when we don’t obtain it in reality through connecting to meaning, we seek pleasure through fleeting outlets. The less self-esteem a person has the greater his ego, and the greater his concern with what others may think of him. Who is most likely to do the wrong thing (lie, cheat, or steal) or, for that matter, who’s most likely to be rigid, stubborn, and inflexible? Low self-esteem, high interest, high confidence, and poor mood.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Daviekins said:


> I think low self esteem can play a big part in it. However where do you draw the line? Until you get battered down with them by association?


My God, that is so well put. I find my husband despises himself and is disgusted with me for loving someone so dispicable as himself. It has lowered his opinion of me.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I think it's not self-esteem issue per se but a way of self-validation. Most people, save for a few well-rounded idiots, do doubt their personal qualities in one way or another.. the looks, intelligence, courage, success and so on. The whole difference is in the ways they deal with it though.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

wild_irish_rose said:


> Do you think that most people who engage in infidelity (EA or PA) or who are high risk for it tend to have low self-esteem, and the affairs come about, to some extent, because the OW/OM being interested helps increase self-esteem? Are they looking for love outside their marriages, thinking that what they are missing is love within their marriage, when what they really need is to learn to love themselves?
> 
> I ask because I see a lot of people mention it here - that they had affairs because the OW/OM paid attention to them - made them feel good about themselves - made them feel young/sexy/attractive again - etc.
> 
> I also ask because in my personal experience, with people I know, almost 100% of the time those who admit to cheating or whose spouses have told me that they were cheated on, were people that unfortunately today's society would consider physically unattractive or social failures. My STBX-H, my best friend's ex-H, my last boss, a couple of people I know from various community groups - who all had affairs - were all significantly overweight. Others were both men and women obviously going through mid-life crisis which I'm sure is devastating to one's self-esteem. At least one was a man who felt worthless because he had lost his job and his wife was the one who had to provide for the family while he stayed at home with the kids. The man I had an EA with after I found out the first time about my H cheating on me, was overweight and going through an extremely nasty divorce. He felt like a failure because his wife left him for a man who made more money than he did. I felt physically unattractive because the woman my H had been seeing was thinner and prettier than I considered myself to be. Granted at the time considering our spouses' behavior we both felt justified in our behavior. But if we had both had higher self-esteem maybe we wouldn't have been drawn to each others' neediness in the first place.


I do think it has a lot to do with low self esteem. In my husbands case I feel it did. Of course it boosts one self image to have another woman say how sexy and nice a man is online. It makes you feel good, who wouldn't feel good when told these things?

In my case my husband never had the example of a good marriage. His dad died when he was 12 and his mom never remarried. I did have an example of a good marriage, my folks are on their 60th year. My dad would never even think of having an EA with another woman.

The thing that kills me is all along we had a nice sex life, always were sweet with each other, I gave him everything and he still turned around and pissed on me.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

WillS said:


> Yes, I believe this is the case though of course I'm no expert. My wife's guy "friend" was really unattractive and somewhat dim, but he paid attention to her and the rest just fell into place for him. She felt reinvigorated by his attention, as she admitted a few months ago. I'm still trying to deal with how everything we'd put together for ourselves was so potentially disposable because of a few weak compliments by him. My frequent compliments to her meant less because "I'm her husband and so I have to think that way." She got no boost from my attention.


I do think online has a lot to do with it too. You do not know what the person looks like that you are having an EA online with. 

Making a person feel valued is a big thing also. You say your wife's guy "friend" wasn't that good looking but he made her feel good and valued. 

Your post made me think about so many things. My husband is not that good looking. He is short, bald, hairy, grey and has a huge stomach. BUT I love him even more than I did yesterday. I look at him and just could hug him to death. Being overweight, older, does not alter my love for him and never will. That is why I get so mad at men or women who say they aren't attracted much to their spouses anymore if they gain weight. To me that means you did not love them to begin with.

Anyway...sorry if I seem like I am rambling. I guess anyone can fall into an affair or EA easy. If you feel like your life is stale, you need attention, etc. For me I would talk to my husband before doing anything like that and try and rekindle. My husband did not do that. He had an EA with a woman he knew before we even met. It was going on for years before I even knew about it. Makes me feel pretty stupid. He also got too close to a woman at work. I saw it right away and said to him there is something between you and ..... He said no she is married I would never cheat on you. He meant physical. I meant emotional and he had no idea what I was talking about!


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

wild_irish_rose said:


> Do you think that most people who engage in infidelity (EA or PA) or who are high risk for it tend to have low self-esteem, and the affairs come about, to some extent, because the OW/OM being interested helps increase self-esteem? Are they looking for love outside their marriages, thinking that what they are missing is love within their marriage, when what they really need is to learn to love themselves?


IMHO I don't think it hinges on self-esteem for most affairs. I'm sure it can be argued that low self-esteem may put you at a slightly higher risk for an A. My stbx had self-esteem out the arse. She knew she was hot, liked attention, and used drooling men to her advantage (though she only had 1 EA/PA, but who knows how many undiscovered EA are in the past). The only thing missing in her marriage was me (not sex, not love, not closeness) it was brought about my deployment, short tour, deployment which left us apart for a great deal of time.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> Yes. Low self-esteem is the force behind the impulse that causes a person to satiate the appetites of the ego and body. Because we are designed to seek pleasure, when we don’t obtain it in reality through connecting to meaning, we seek pleasure through fleeting outlets. The less self-esteem a person has the greater his ego, and the greater his concern with what others may think of him. Who is most likely to do the wrong thing (lie, cheat, or steal) or, for that matter, who’s most likely to be rigid, stubborn, and inflexible? Low self-esteem, high interest, high confidence, and poor mood.



Yes I can see what you are seeing. Depends on a lot of things like with everything.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

For a typical affair yes I think there is a profound difference between the people who have ONS vs those who engage in traditional affairs. Both are cheating just different motives imo.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

The answer is "yes". Read Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends". She demonstrates this with research/data. In my husband's case it was ego stroking. The younger pretty girl in his group laying on the flattery, dressing suggestively though in a highly professional environment. She had her pick of many (and as far as I'm concerned is still picking others too), but he was "top dog" and it made him feel good because he never got the pretty girl growing up. (Never mind that I am very pretty...but at the time I was overweight, struggling with health issues and older. I get hit on regularly by older men but that wasn't enough for my husband to want to protect his own. The WS isn't thinking of their SO; He/she is thinking just of him/herself and ego. In the case of my husband's OW though she is very pretty, she is extremely, extremely insecure and is constantly looking to other men besides her husband to stroke her ego.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

wild_irish_rose said:


> Do you think that most people who engage in infidelity (EA or PA) or who are high risk for it tend to have low self-esteem, and the affairs come about, to some extent, because the OW/OM being interested helps increase self-esteem? Are they looking for love outside their marriages, thinking that what they are missing is love within their marriage, when what they really need is to learn to love themselves?
> 
> I ask because I see a lot of people mention it here - that they had affairs because the OW/OM paid attention to them - made them feel good about themselves - made them feel young/sexy/attractive again - etc.
> 
> I also ask because in my personal experience, with people I know, almost 100% of the time those who admit to cheating or whose spouses have told me that they were cheated on, were people that unfortunately today's society would consider physically unattractive or social failures. My STBX-H, my best friend's ex-H, my last boss, a couple of people I know from various community groups - who all had affairs - were all significantly overweight. Others were both men and women obviously going through mid-life crisis which I'm sure is devastating to one's self-esteem. At least one was a man who felt worthless because he had lost his job and his wife was the one who had to provide for the family while he stayed at home with the kids. The man I had an EA with after I found out the first time about my H cheating on me, was overweight and going through an extremely nasty divorce. He felt like a failure because his wife left him for a man who made more money than he did. I felt physically unattractive because the woman my H had been seeing was thinner and prettier than I considered myself to be. Granted at the time considering our spouses' behavior we both felt justified in our behavior. But if we had both had higher self-esteem maybe we wouldn't have been drawn to each others' neediness in the first place.


I do think people who cheat have low self esteem due to some issue in their life. 

It's not necessarily looks though. 

My STBEH is very attractive. 

Still, the OW flattered him and he claims he liked that. 

Who doesn't like flattery. I do, too, but it wouldn't be enough to make me cheat.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I think it was the principle thing that made me susceptible to an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Can you elaborate? What principle do you mean?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Berilo said:


> I can really relate to that. As set out in my related thread about my wayward wife, she once said the reason why she is getting attention from other man is because I am "cold" and "not interested" -- nothing could be further from the truth. While I am far from perfect, I have been a very loving companion and good husband from the beginning. Including complimenting her, being positive about her, helping her out in numerous ways every day. The lies about my supposed sub-par conduct just cover up some other deep-seated issue she has about life.


Good point. I always complimented my husband. I don't think he even heard what I said. 

In the midst of his affair, in fact, he asked me if he was good looking. I assured him he was. He then used those compliments to pursue the OW. 

Later, after Dday, he told one counselor, the OW made him feel attractive because she complimented him a lot. She in fact told him he was perfect. 

I guess I never said that because no one is perfect, IMO. 

Oh well, I guess that's why they call it the fog.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Sara8 said:


> Good point. I always complimented my husband. I don't think he even heard what I said.
> 
> In the midst of his affair, in fact, he asked me if he was good looking. I assured him he was. He then used those compliments to pursue the OW.
> 
> ...


Yep... That was my issue as well. My WW would convince herself I'd just say those things because husbands have to say that sort of stuff. It was discarded and devalued from the get go.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Racer said:


> Yep... That was my issue as well. My WW would convince herself I'd just say those things because husbands have to say that sort of stuff. It was discarded and devalued from the get go.


Sorry to hear that. 

It sticks being the member of the betrayed spouse club. 

When, my STBEH was in the midst of his affair, I could do nothing right and he OW could do nothing wrong, even though she was a sleazy serial cheater who had one offs in nightclub bathrooms as well as long term affairs.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

It's much more a matter of selfishness and sense of entitlement than self esteem. Everyone can have self esteem issues. Most of us go through it at one point or the other in life. But in order to engage in an affair you need to place yourself above everything else. And that includes your partner and your family.

So, even if self esteem is a large factor, it's not the determinant at all, in my opinion.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

costa200 said:


> It's much more a matter of selfishness and sense of entitlement than self esteem. Everyone can have self esteem issues. Most of us go through it at one point or the other in life. But in order to engage in an affair you need to place yourself above everything else. And that includes your partner and your family.
> 
> So, even if self esteem is a large factor, it's not the determinant at all, in my opinion.


I agree.

I think where self-esteem comes into play is that cheaters often seek admiration and outside validation, instead of looking for their sense of self-worth and self-esteem from within. Nor do they base self-esteem on being a good person or their accomplishments. They tend to be externally focused.

Therefore, I think a person can have low self-esteem but if you're not selfish or you lack extreme entitlement, you're going to think twice about what cheating would do to your loved ones. Some people simply get that self-esteem has to come from within and they don't need to get admiration from Skanks to bolster their sense of worth.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Therapy may help to proved tools to grow your self steem but you won't ever have it with out self respect first. It should be the first target.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Racer said:


> Yep... That was my issue as well. My WW would convince herself I'd just say those things because husbands have to say that sort of stuff. It was discarded and devalued from the get go.


Me too. Like Sara8 I was always telling him he looked nice. Like Racer it was discounted because of course the person who loves you has to say those things. At the time, I really, really meant it. 

I think the fog isn't just a simple fog; It's impregnated with opium!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The whole "low self-esteem" to explain why people do bad things, like infidelity, is a myth.

Personality factors most strongly linked to susceptibility to infidelity were low Conscientiousness, high Narcissism, and high Psychoticism (a personality pattern typified by aggressiveness and interpersonal hostility) as explained in the academic article titled *Susceptibility to Infidelity in the First Year of Marriage*.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wild_irish_rose said:


> Do you think that most people who engage in infidelity (EA or PA) or who are high risk for it tend to have low self-esteem


Yes, no, maybe.

Re: affairs--they are definitely an ego boost. It's like looking into a mirror where all you hear is "You are the fairest of them all."


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