# Lack of Affection - Drained



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

How many times for months and months and months can you repeatedly ask your husband to show more affection...with him making no changes?!?!? 

My husband has never really been much of an affectionate person, but after a huge heart break (him leaving me and his son for another woman), we are now back together and I feel like I almost "require" his affection to feel like he loves me. He knows how I feel and he is willing "to do whatever it takes" to fix his mess, as it was "the biggest mistake" he claims he has ever made. All he wants is for me to love him the way I used to. I am at point where if he doesn't show me affection, then I don't feel loved and I feel like he is going to walk away again, which makes me pull away. Its a vicious circle. He knows all of this and after a talk he will show affection for a day or 2...then he's right back to his normal self. I feel tapped out. I'm drained. I'm tired of asking. 

What was once fine with my emotional needs prior to the heartbreak is no longer enough. I felt wrong for even asking for more affection because that was never him before, but I asked....and I've asked and asked and asked. And really we've made no significant progress.

What seems like an easy fix : flip the script and show him constant affection so he gets used to constant affection and eventually does it on his own : is so hard for me to do at this point

I honestly feel like without affection, this will never work. I am ready to throw in the towel and give up. 

Am I being irrational for trying to get him to be something he never was?


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Ano, I think you are probably feeling drained because he's supposedly willing to do whatever it takes to recover the marriage, but he can't even keep up your primary need for 2 days.

Have you considered marriage counseling to help with this? Getting over an affair is not easy, and he should be the one putting in more effort - not you.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ano said:


> He knows how I feel and he is willing "to do whatever it takes" to fix his mess


No he's not. In fact he doesn't even care. 

Actions speak louder than words.


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> No he's not. In fact he doesn't even care.
> 
> Actions speak louder than words.


Wow.... what an eye opener. Thanks


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ano said:


> Wow.... what an eye opener. Thanks


I should have elaborated why I came to this conclusion. The big red flag was him leaving you for another woman. That means either he's just not into you, checked out or he's just as unhappy in the marriage as you are.

I had an unaffectionate husband for years myself but I knew why he wasn't afffectionate - it was because of me. I treated him badly and he checked out years ago.

For us here on TAM to help you more we'd need more of your backstory. What led up to him cheating? Why isn't he willing to do the work? Will he go to counseling? Is he angry? Passive aggressive? Has he always been this way?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I agree with all of the above. My H and I are in R after his A and he is DOING everything he needs to do to put it right. When we first discussed the chances of us getting back together be said he understood that his words meant nothing and he would prove his love for me by his ACTIONS.
I am very needy of my Hs affection at times and I have told him that I need lots of affection and cuddles and he delivers. Sometimes I have to go to him for the affection, which is fine, but H is very aware and is a good cuddler a d hand holder.

Is your H doing everything else that a WS should be doing to prove he is remorseful and sorry?
Is he in NC and are you spending good quality time together? Is he wling to talk about the A and rug sweep?
Was he afectionate to you before the A?

My H and I went through a false R last year. I'm not suggesting that's what is going on with you but H should really be open to fulfilling ALL your needs if he is truly remorseful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

My husband was never very affectionate. As far back as I can remember in 2007 when we started dating, we had fun and laughed a lot, but he was never really affectionate. The basic holding my hand in car and what not, which he still generally does. But I just want him to stop me in my tracks and just hug me and kiss me. I don't want to just pass each other in the.house..I want him to stop what he's doing and grab me and kiss me. That may be asking a lot, and almost seems irrational on my part...but I want this, I feel like I need this.

We actually had a baby before getting married. Opps. We eventually got engaged...and separated due to another woman just before the wedding. We have been back together about 2 years and finally married 7 months ago (his idea completely). I married him before sorting through all of my issues, therefore I feel I have no right to expect this of him. I know I should of fixed everything before agreeing to marry him, but for whatever dumb reason, I figured that marrying him would make me feel more secure in our relationship...and that being said I figured I wouldnt require affection all the time, as I didn't require it before him leaving me for the OW. 

I rug swept for sure. And I'm paying for it now. I am currently looking into counseling, but have not yet gone.


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I too agree with counseling if your are recovering from an affair....emotions are still high for both of you...maybe he is not out of the fog yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Ano, just out of curiosity (and I'm not trying to blame you for any of the situation you are in), it sounds like you didn't really need much affection before the OW, but as part of everything you went through, you realized you needed more affection out of a relationship. Is there anything your husband might have realized he was missing too, that he would like more of, as a result of everything that happened?

He doesn't sound like the type of guy who has an easy time giving spontaneous displays of affection, nor does he need it. Maybe he needs something else.

Is this the type of thing where you could sit down and say, "I need more affection and I'll work on giving you more of xxxxxx."?


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Ano said:


> How many times for months and months and months can you repeatedly ask your husband to show more affection...with him making no changes?!?!?


Stop asking him. You've done it a number of times, he knows what you need...and he is choosing not to provide it.


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Ano, just out of curiosity (and I'm not trying to blame you for any of the situation you are in), it sounds like you didn't really need much affection before the OW, but as part of everything you went through, you realized you needed more affection out of a relationship. Is there anything your husband might have realized he was missing too, that he would like more of, as a result of everything that happened?
> 
> He doesn't sound like the type of guy who has an easy time giving spontaneous displays of affection, nor does he need it. Maybe he needs something else.
> 
> Is this the type of thing where you could sit down and say, "I need more affection and I'll work on giving you more of xxxxxx."?


If you ask my husband about this situation, he will firmly say that he never cheated. And that he got cold feet and he freaked out and left. That being said, we are both in our early 20s...very young, and this could very well have been a legitimate reason to walk away. It wasn't until the after math that I realized he was cheating. He right away started seeing a woman that he worked with...maybe he wasn't physical with her till after..but he was most definitely in an EA...if not more. He gave up all responsibility and all he did was party with this girl. He didn't even come around for our son. 

I do believe we grew up fast, we had to, we were young parents. Other people our age were buying booze, we were buying diapers. 

Our relationship most definitely lacked the party lifestyle..and I was/am okay with this...I guess he wasn't. So he found that kind of life else where.

I'm pretty sure the old saying that men mature slower then women is true.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Look, we gotta face the hard truth, OUR MEN ARE NOT AFFECTIONATE AND NEVER WILL BE. It's like they are going against their nature if they cuddle with us. 

When we were dating, I cried and begged for more affection which he never gave. I married him anyway. 20 years later I am bitter and "touch" deprived, but not surprised. 

So I take all my affection needs out on my dog and four birds. I used to have two bunnies who used to hide from me. I am the abominable snowman with my pets:

Classic Looney Tunes - YouTube


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

> Look, we gotta face the hard truth, OUR MEN ARE NOT AFFECTIONATE AND NEVER WILL BE. It's like they are going against their nature if they cuddle with us. <br />
> <br />
> When we were dating, I cried and begged for more affection which he never gave. I married him anyway. 20 years later I am bitter and "touch" deprived, but not surprised. <br />
> <br />
> ...


Ahh! I love your optimism! 

Bitter and touch deprived doesn't sound too appealing, but at least you've made the best of it! Go you!!!


----------

