# Have ever just felt DONE?



## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Have you ever just felt done with your marriage? Just sick of trying?

I honestly couldn't care less right now if I was married or not.

I've walked on pins and needles long enough around her, never knowing if she is going to be in a *****y mood or a kind loving mood. What should be a simple conversation can turn into a hour long fight. 

Lately, I've just been doing me. Enjoying my hobbies as often as I want whenever I want with complete disregard for how she feels about it and to be honest, I've been happier. 

She gave me the typical guilt trip the 1st couple times but after that i think she could see that I genuinely didn't care what she thought about it and has since quit trying to make me feel guilty about doing things I enjoy.

Anyone ever feel this way and have a happy ending to share?

Thoughts? Input?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I felt done, and soon after I divorced her. That's the happiest ending IMO.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Of course


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

:iagree:

Once I got to the done stage, I wanted out completely. It simplified things a lot.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

*raises hand* 

I'm done and tired of trying. I fell like I'm at a crossroads......which path do I take??


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

This is where i am, at a crossroads. If there is positive change on his part, then i would be happy to stay married. No one is cheating, there are no significant red flags or abuse, or anything like that. He just doesn't seem to care if i am happy, or fulfilled, and i find myself over extending myself for both of us. It's hard to remain in a sort of limbo. There seem to be no good answers for those of us who are waiting. Right now i am focused on my personal goals. My kids and their happiness, i do a lot of exercise for stress relief, and now that the weather is turning, i'm looking to get a few good hiking trips in with my kids. if and when the day comes to split, my personal life will be in order. Keep in mind, many people divorce, and still find themselves unhappy. Making a decision to end it, may not ultimately give you the results you want. or maybe it will. Try to find a way to be happy, whatever that means for you


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Yes, I felt done with my marriage, just few months ago. Detached and ready for divorce. Walls built around me. Like you, never knew what his mood would be. That scared the hell out of him, and he did set up MC for us. The sessions were stormy and seemed to push us towards divorce even more for a while. And then it cleared out. Ways of communications open up again.

Right now we are trying to work on it. There are cracks in my walls, but we still have a long way to go. We are going on weekly dates, and trying to talk the issues while they arise. He still needs to work on not getting too defensive every time I say something not along his lines. I am cautiously optmimistic. 

Few months ago I did sound exaclty like you, done. did not believe there wasy anything that would change that, but was willing to try because I wanted to say I did everything I could. We have two young children. If it wasn't for them, I would be out by now. It would probably be easier, than working now on twenty years of resentments, but I am here doing my best.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

When I reached the "im done" phase, I was done..


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Yes, I felt done with my marriage, just few months ago. Detached and ready for divorce. Walls built around me. Like you, never knew what his mood would be. That scared the hell out of him, and he did set up MC for us. The sessions were stormy and seemed to push us towards divorce even more for a while. And then it cleared out. Ways of communications open up again.
> 
> Right now we are trying to work on it. There are cracks in my walls, but we still have a long way to go. We are going on weekly dates, and trying to talk the issues while they arise. He still needs to work on not getting too defensive every time I say something not along his lines. I am cautiously optmimistic.
> 
> Few months ago I did sound exaclty like you, done. did not believe there wasy anything that would change that, but was willing to try because I wanted to say I did everything I could. We have two young children. If it wasn't for them, I would be out by now. It would probably be easier, than working now on twenty years of resentments, but I am here doing my best.


Marriages have natural highs and lows. We were happy once. I think that there's a significant chance things could get better. I have never bailed on anything just because it was difficult, and i'm not starting now. I think that, plus no infidelity, and kids together means we try to stay together. but everyone has their own journey.

Good for you. i think that is the path to no regrets. "willing to try because I wanted to say I did everything I could"


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Thanks or the replies, We have no kids. 


I've always been one to see things through to the end. I'm not a quitter. The tougher the challenge the better is my mentality with most everything in life. 


I just feel impartial towards her right now and have for a while now. Which is why it's such a strange feeling for me. Almost like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

She has been more affectionate since I've began just doing me but i know that will cease as soon as she senses stability again. Been there done that before. 

Before when I distanced myself, it was eating me up inside. Not so much anymore.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> This is where i am, at a crossroads. If there is positive change on his part, then i would be happy to stay married. No one is cheating, there are no significant red flags or abuse, or anything like that. He just doesn't seem to care if i am happy, or fulfilled, and i find myself over extending myself for both of us. It's hard to remain in a sort of limbo. There seem to be no good answers for those of us who are waiting. Right now i am focused on my personal goals. My kids and their happiness, i do a lot of exercise for stress relief, and now that the weather is turning, i'm looking to get a few good hiking trips in with my kids. if and when the day comes to split, my personal life will be in order. Keep in mind, many people divorce, and still find themselves unhappy. Making a decision to end it, may not ultimately give you the results you want. or maybe it will. Try to find a way to be happy, whatever that means for you



Sounds like we are in very similar boats 68, Just opposite sides.


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## closetothedoor (Sep 7, 2015)

Yep, there now. But I think it's because he is in some ways abusive, and changing more for his benefit. We tried MC, he's been going to an anger management counselor. It's only been 2 months, but I tried. I gave him chances. I really feel done, but it's like I'm paralyzed to say it.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> Sounds like we are in very similar boats 68, Just opposite sides.


it's a far too similar story across the board. honestly, reading some things on here, i actually am starting to appreciate that my marriage problems are mostly limited to him acting indifferent to me and withholding affection. People suck.

Good luck man. I hope you can find some peace. i'm working on that myself.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I believe when it comes to a point when only one person in the marriage is doing all the heavy lifting to make the marriage work it ends up with that one person having resentment. 

It comes down to whomever cares "less" about the marriage, that person wields more control. Take the control back by turning things in your court. 


I can attest to the "walking on eggshells" thing. It's a horrible feeling. But you do that to yourself. I've come to the point of I don't give a crap if my wife is moody or pissy. That's on her. You don't fix that, she needs to. 

Thing is, I think it just feeds the beast. She's so used to you trying to make her not moody and when you stop she noticed it. And gets more moody until she realizes your not playing that game. So your in the right mindset. 

Do not reward bad behaviour. 

You need to do "you" things. Things that make you happy. Be a happy go lucky guy. Being positive is contagious. Which I see you are doing. 

You have no kids so I would give yourself a timeline. Like say 6 months. Don't tell her about your timeline. 


Lastly, live in YOUR frame always. Strong, confident, unmoved by her moods. Don't let your guard down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Yes, I felt done with my marriage, just few months ago. Detached and ready for divorce. Walls built around me. Like you, never knew what his mood would be. That scared the hell out of him, and he did set up MC for us. The sessions were stormy and seemed to push us towards divorce even more for a while. And then it cleared out. Ways of communications open up again.
> 
> Right now we are trying to work on it. There are cracks in my walls, but we still have a long way to go. We are going on weekly dates, and trying to talk the issues while they arise. He still needs to work on not getting too defensive every time I say something not along his lines. I am cautiously optmimistic.
> 
> Few months ago I did sound exaclty like you, done. did not believe there wasy anything that would change that, but was willing to try because I wanted to say I did everything I could. We have two young children. If it wasn't for them, I would be out by now. It would probably be easier, than working now on twenty years of resentments, but I am here doing my best.


I'm in a similar situation. I've felt done for probably 20 of our 26 years. Once the kids came I felt locked in and had really no chance of divorce since I was not willing to be without the kids or live poor. I work on making the best of it but she makes it hard on the kids and me because we never know when she's going to start with her explosive temper and rage episodes. Like, you, if there were no kids, I would have left long ago.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Ol'Pal:

I've glossed over a few of your posts in the other thread. Am I correct in reading she was creeping on a guys FB page. Did she have a affair? EA or a PA?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The difference in my case compared to others here was that I didn't have a long term period where I thought I was done but couldn't pull the plug. 

The bomb that hit me was so soon, so sudden, and so devastating that I knew instantly without a doubt that I had no choice but to be done. It was like coming home to a crater. You can't really be done per se when what you knew is just gone.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I'm in a similar situation. I've felt done for probably 20 of our 26 years. Once the kids came I felt locked in and had really no chance of divorce since I was not willing to be without the kids or live poor. I work on making the best of it but she makes it hard on the kids and me because we never know when she's going to start with her explosive temper and rage episodes. Like, you, if there were no kids, I would have left long ago.


Shake the boat, Jb. Temper tantrums had ended in my marriage, once he believed I was serious about leaving. I said "no more", and it took me twenty years to get to that point. 

But once you do it, you need to follow through if she does not respond with changes


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## carolbrady (Oct 8, 2015)

I tried for 10 years. I would dream of the day he would no longer be in my life. 10 years of treading on egg shells, all the while wishing I had the guts to leave. 
Then it was like I just woke up one day and could no longer deal with it. Day dreaming of leaving was not enough anymore. I just had to leave. 
Best thing I ever did.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Ol'Pal said:


> Have you ever just felt done with your marriage? Just sick of trying?
> 
> I honestly couldn't care less right now if I was married or not.
> 
> ...


I'm currently living this way, there isn't really a happy ending, but you can find happiness again by letting go.

If you can find contentment without the emotional connection of being married, you're better off.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hi OP,

Your wife is giving you more affection right now because you changed the dynamic from being worried about her mood, to dissociating yourself from her poor attitude and not letting it affect your own mood. She senses the problem, and is being affectionate to fix things. This is basic relationship psychology. 

However, you are correct in that she will most likely revert back to negativity when the dynamic goes back to "her" normal. This is also basic psychology. 

What you are doing now is the right approach. Do not let her moods affect you at all, unless of course it's a positive mood. I see, imo, nothing wrong with rewarding her with affection back if she's being lovey to you. However, if she starts up the negative feelings towards you again, you need to go back to the "I'm not taking this shat" attitude. 

One thing you need to do is tell her with words, though. If she gets negative, just tell her that you are not hanging around in a household with these destructive and depressing attitudes. Then go do your hobbies. Dissociate yourself from the negative environment again, and don't let her bring down the good vibes. Always remain upbeat, as you alone are responsible for your happiness. Don't let anyone else affect that. 

Yes. Human relationship dynamics are a lot of work. And, as weird as it sounds, sometimes a lot of effort in training another person in what you will and won't accept. As these are your boundaries. 

If, after some effort, you want to bail, then that option is always there.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

woundedwarrior said:


> I'm currently living this way, there isn't really a happy ending, but you can find happiness again by letting go.
> 
> If you can find contentment without the emotional connection of being married, you're better off.


That last sentence is ironic in my case, as my H cannot make emotional connections, either inside or outside of marriage. There's no "us" in his vocabulary. He works hard at his job, at doing his part around the house, with the kids, and puts "us" last. He just doesn't know how to include another person in his world. After years of asking, trying to talk, opening up and getting little to no response, all feelings for him died. 

He doesn't understand what emotional connection means and it's only because I pushed for it that he even sees that living as an emotional island is a problem. Still, he puts that work off and thus we have failed.

I have also grown angry and resentful at the lack of connection, at our roommate status. I'm done, too. We have tried MC 3x over he years. The last counselor said that my H needs 1.5 years of group therapy to get past his issues. My H isn't going to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

jerry123 said:


> Ol'Pal:
> 
> I've glossed over a few of your posts in the other thread. Am I correct in reading she was creeping on a guys FB page. Did she have a affair? EA or a PA?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She was creeping an Ex's page. Which whom she had cheated on me with while i was deployed, Which i didnt find out about until a year after it happened. Yeah, i still have resentment about this no doubt and quit trying tell myself it was no big deal when i became DONE.

Thats the quick and dirty of it.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> She was creeping an Ex's page. Which whom she had cheated on me with while i was deployed, Which i didnt find out about until a year after it happened. Yeah, i still have resentment about this no doubt and quit trying tell myself it was no big deal when i became DONE.
> 
> Thats the quick and dirty of it.


Oh man!!!

I would love to hear the whole story about that. Like how you found out and was OM exposed if married. Plus how did R go. Did she do all the right things? And did you expose her to friends and family?

And it is a big deal, since cheaters who don't admit fault and are basically given a free ride will most likely cheat again. Thing is, I don't know how many times she did this but cheaters form a emotional bond that can stay for a very long time. Just a quick look on FB will bring up the affair and she will get a dopamine hit and maybe try to reach out again. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I found an email she had sent to another friend telling what happened, She wasn't bragging about it and did sound rather tore up about what she had done. Other man was single, but was an ex BF of hers. The only time she ever apologized was when i caught her, more of "im sorry you caught me" BS apology. She truly was/is not sorry.

I down played it at the time i guess, I'd only been back in the states for a few months and i was living in a haze at the time. 

While I do have resentment about the above, its not the end all be all. I think i could deal with it better if we could spend more than an hour together without fighting over petty things. When i try and end the fight with a yup you're right this is a stupid fight to be having i get the "now you're just saying that" line or something to that effect.

I've since got my crap together, make good money, have lots of recreational stuff paid for free and clear, a couple 100k in equity in the house, few 100k equity in land, Etc Etc.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

alphaomega said:


> Hi OP,
> 
> Your wife is giving you more affection right now because you changed the dynamic from being worried about her mood, to dissociating yourself from her poor attitude and not letting it affect your own mood. She senses the problem, and is being affectionate to fix things. This is basic relationship psychology.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I wont put all the negative on her though, I have my fair share of it towards her as well no doubt. I've been pig headed and probably down right mean at times in our relationship, but overall, im way to nice.(i'll be the judge of that:frown2

The problem is, I've been way to nice way to long and been walked on more than i care to admit. I'm sure she would tell you differently though.. Honestly, its kind of nice to just not care anymore.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Shake the boat, Jb. Temper tantrums had ended in my marriage, once he believed I was serious about leaving. I said "no more", and it took me twenty years to get to that point.
> 
> But once you do it, you need to follow through if she does not respond with changes


i haven't quite gotten the temper to stop, but I've seen an significant decrease in tantrums ever since i said i wanted to separate 3 1/2 years ago. He still gets mad and yells about too many trivial things, but there's no more throwing things and flipping out. Anger I can live with, blind rage, and violence i cannot. But when i found the balls to not allow it anymore, I told him the only way we could stay together was if we moved in with my parents for a year If he wanted to stay together, he could come with us. but i was going either way, and i was telling my brothers and my dad what had been happening. It was a real wake up call. not that we don't still have problems (oh, do we have them!) but i no longer fear for my safety.

“Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.” ― Lundy Bancroft

Also, when he does have a fit about nothing, i tell myself that just because i don't feel calm, doesn't mean i can't be calm. Half the time he's just looking to piss me off. I don't let myself take that bait nearly as much anymore. Later, i won't have to apologize, but he will. If he wants to look like a douche canoe, then i let him. Lately, my youngest (unprompted) has been telling Mr.68, "don't be mean to my mom" and it stops him right in his tracks. She doesn't really see the difference; she doesn't let the neighbor kids pick on her sister, she doesn't let dad pick on mom. it's been interesting. I try to discourage, bc i don't want the kids in our arguments, but she won't be dissuaded. When she scolds him, it makes things really awkward bc she's right. lol.


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

carolbrady said:


> I tried for 10 years. I would dream of the day he would no longer be in my life. 10 years of treading on egg shells, all the while wishing I had the guts to leave.
> Then it was like I just woke up one day and could no longer deal with it. Day dreaming of leaving was not enough anymore. I just had to leave.
> Best thing I ever did.


I could have written this.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Ol'Pal said:


> Thanks, I wont put all the negative on her though, I have my fair share of it towards her as well no doubt. I've been pig headed and probably down right mean at times in our relationship, but overall, im way to nice.(i'll be the judge of that:frown2
> 
> The problem is, I've been way to nice way to long and been walked on more than i care to admit. I'm sure she would tell you differently though.. Honestly, its kind of nice to just not care anymore.


The million dollar question is this: Do you think you will be okay to still live with her, without the marital expectations? Not caring anymore does bring some peace, but it will only last if you no longer want or need what a marriage has to offer. If you are deep down still wanting that connection, then living with someone that isn't giving it, will cause resentments and you should just divorce.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> Lately, my youngest (unprompted) has been telling Mr.68, "don't be mean to my mom" and it stops him right in his tracks. She doesn't really see the difference; she doesn't let the neighbor kids pick on her sister, she doesn't let dad pick on mom. it's been interesting. I try to discourage, bc i don't want the kids in our arguments, but she won't be dissuaded. When she scolds him, it makes things really awkward bc she's right. lol.


This right here puts a big 'ol smile on my face:grin2::grin2::grin2:


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

He can't bring himself to be mad at her, and in the moment, it's REALLY difficult not to laugh. She's a firecracker, and at 4 they just speak their minds, no filter.

:rofl:


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I wish i had a little of that no filter in me. Im just to dang nice and care to much about hurting someones feelings.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I would say sort out your own issues and work on you till you are ready for the next step.

Change your environment and if that is less time around her, then it is better for your own mental stability.

People, especially dysfunctional people have a way in changing us into people we prefer not being in order to handle being in the same vicinity as them. Make a healthy environment for yourself to grow.. She will either change due to different circumstances or dig in, and you will be in a better place to move on with or without.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have been done, twice actually. Ended both marriages. There was nothing either could have said or done to make me stay. 

Being DONE is being DONE, it is NOT being at a crossroads. If that is how you feel, then you are NOT DONE.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Let me tell you this, divorce is not easy and nor is the grass always greener (absent affairs, abuse, criminal issues, etc).

I filed divorce from my wife who I was together with for 22+ years a few years back. I thought she stopped being loving and caring, she would sleep in spare room etc. We handled EVERYTHING wrong. Looking back if we had gone to counselling and put work into it I think we could have salvaged things.

Marriage is just like a car, needs to be maintained and the more you skip the maintenance the higher the long term cost in the end to get back to a well running vehicle.

I actually regret divorcing my exW. And I had reached the part where I was DONE. 

Think long and hard if you've truly done all the hard work possible to save your marriage.


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## TXanimal (Jul 28, 2015)

I feel exactly the same way. We had one final blowout on Sunday. She started some nonsense on Monday that would normally anger me (accusing me of cheating on her when I gave a female co-worker a ride from one building to another where we work...she has a broken foot and can't walk), and I literally laughed it off. It's like I've been outside my body watching someone else deal with it. I know I deserve better. She probably deserves better, too. As much as I still love her, the thought of staying in this marriage any longer makes my skin crawl. We've tried MC. We've held on long enough. It's time to let go.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I married two alcoholics. Believe me, I had no doubt when I was done. I walked. I didn't angst. I didn't look back.

I come from the perspective of a cancer survivor. I got through that, so the rest of the sh!t life throws my way is small potatoes.

With my first husband, my health was perfect, but I realized one year before leaving I was getting my ducks in a row. I walked one year after I started a job with great benefits and excellent pay. Was it my dream job? No, not necessarily. But I knew I had made up my mind I was finished and I was taking the best course of action to get out of that living hell.

Second husband? He was drinking himself to death. He was losing his capacity to be rational. I doubt he gave a crap if I left or stayed. I had been diagnosed with cancer almost two years prior to leaving.

I had no job. The economy had tanked (it was 2009). I had no real support system. I lived in the middle of almost-nowhere, with no jobs, no economy, nothing to do. 

Stick a fork in me. I was DONE. I was so done I walked with no job, no health insurance, no real support. NOW THAT IS DONE.

Today? Cancer-free. Decent job. Decent benefits. Nothing great, but my peace of mind is beyond value. When I was ready to prefer laying dead in a ditch to being married to an insane addict, I didn't care.

And I am living proof that NOBODY needs to have a kazillion excuses - financial, emotional, family, etc. - to walk. For me, done is done. I don't take the middle ground.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Let me tell you this, divorce is not easy and nor is the grass always greener (absent affairs, abuse, criminal issues, etc).
> 
> I filed divorce from my wife who I was together with for 22+ years a few years back. I thought she stopped being loving and caring, she would sleep in spare room etc. We handled EVERYTHING wrong. Looking back if we had gone to counselling and put work into it I think we could have salvaged things.
> 
> ...



Thanks for this, and yes, I'm trying to be rational about everything.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have been done, twice actually. Ended both marriages. There was nothing either could have said or done to make me stay.
> 
> Being DONE is being DONE, it is NOT being at a crossroads. If that is how you feel, then you are NOT DONE.


Excellent post. Thank you.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> Have you ever just felt done with your marriage? Just sick of trying?
> 
> I honestly couldn't care less right now if I was married or not.
> 
> ...


You've figured out the hard way that your happiness doesn't depend on anyone else but you! Now it's her turn to figure it out as well.

That is why we see some people who are single can still be happy and some people who are married can still be unhappy.


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## steph333 (Oct 10, 2015)

Well if your talking about 
Having random sex as
DOING YOUR THING!!

It's no wonder your wife is how she is! 
My husband cheated on me with me women , trannies , brothels, saunas, toilet blocks, beats & probably grannies too! 
I caught him out ! 
He gave not 2 ****s! Keep having sex! Cheated on his 1st wife now me lasted less than 3 years! 

I think it's a disgrace that your not paying attention to your wife! 

Go then go leave her now don't waste more of her heart and soul! 

Why men wonder women complain : because womens sick sense is ignoring the real problem with there husband! As they refuse to believe, hence banter on other things as there slowly falling apart! 

My husband was rotten in bed anyway 2 min he was done like first timer pants up thanks an off to watch the footy or fall asleep! 

I'm app auld at cheating hooking up that's vomiting our marriages now! 

Thanks Social media
Web caming
Hookingup sites
An last selfless , ensecure cheating husbands!


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## steph333 (Oct 10, 2015)

Yes I'm done ! 
My husbands thinks everything's his and want pay settlement 

He forgets we came into the marriage equal and if I wasn't there to prolong some of his sex addition ! 
He would have zilch now
His out me through more hell than anyone in a short lived 3 years! 
I almost lost my life because of him, which he didn't blink a lid too
He treated me like he was a father and control freak! He manipulated me and used me as a mentally weakening slave! 
While he had sex with everyone around me , online, caming,men ,trannies and women ! 
Denies it of course even though I have hard evidence an zillions more since then! 
His an obsolete disgust to humanity! 
Even had va Ja Ja scent on his mouth face not 6 months into our marriage , coming home one night kissing me but a peck! I smelt it a mile away it has a distinguish scent! As we know! 

So his hidden all our money super 
And refuses to give me much 
I know I could sue him as I have weapons off mass destruction legal weapons!
I will if he does me wrong and I will also take up my friends dads 60 mins crew! 

He is but a sick deviate dirty old man whom prays now a days on teens!


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

steph333 said:


> Well if your talking about
> Having random sex as
> DOING YOUR THING!!
> 
> ...



Whoa! Let's back up here a couple MILES. 

No one ever mentioned cheating....Not my thing.. 

Doing my thing, as in hunting, fishing, land management....


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

My wife has been way more affectionate the last few days and just overall more relaxed it seems. I hate to be to affectionate back to her because once she feels comfortable with us again, she becomes the evil witch of the west and I'm once again walking around the house on egg shells doing my best to not wake the bear. 

I think I could really enjoy her being around if i knew there wasn't this motive behind her affection. Been down this road a few times now and always the same result.

Having this ulterior motive behind her affection almost pisses me off actually. In my head, I sometimes think "just go away and leave me be."


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Ol'Pal said:


> My wife has been way more affectionate the last few days and just overall more relaxed it seems. I hate to be to affectionate back to her because once she feels comfortable with us again, she becomes the evil witch of the west and I'm once again walking around the house on egg shells doing my best to not wake the bear.
> 
> I think I could really enjoy her being around if i knew there wasn't this motive behind her affection. Been down this road a few times now and always the same result.
> 
> Having this ulterior motive behind her affection almost pisses me off actually. In my head, I sometimes think "just go away and leave me be."


 Allow her to be affectionate and you can reciprocate in a friendly fashion and not too "lovey dovey" or not reciprocate at all, just let her do her thing, you never know when she might actually be doing it sincerely, so you don't want to push her fully away.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> My wife has been way more affectionate the last few days and just overall more relaxed it seems. I hate to be to affectionate back to her because once she feels comfortable with us again, she becomes the evil witch of the west and I'm once again walking around the house on egg shells doing my best to not wake the bear.
> 
> *I think I could really enjoy her being around if i knew there wasn't this motive behind her affection. Been down this road a few times now and always the same result.
> 
> Having this ulterior motive behind her affection almost pisses me off actually. In my head, I sometimes think "just go away and leave me be*."


So you have learned that this is a pattern. Been there. It doesn't change.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> My wife has been way more affectionate the last few days and just overall more relaxed it seems. I hate to be to affectionate back to her because once she feels comfortable with us again, she becomes the evil witch of the west and I'm once again walking around the house on egg shells doing my best to not wake the bear.
> 
> I think I could really enjoy her being around if i knew there wasn't this motive behind her affection. Been down this road a few times now and always the same result.
> 
> Having this ulterior motive behind her affection almost pisses me off actually. In my head, I sometimes think "just go away and leave me be."


hey dude-- 

I think the trick is to not let either the absence or presence of affection on her part to sway you too much either way.

in other words, you're fine without her or with her.

don't let your mood be dependent on her mood.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> hey dude--
> 
> I think the trick is to not let either the absence or presence of affection on her part to sway you too much either way.
> 
> ...


That's exactly the mindset that has helped me, "no matter what happens "your toes are still tappin"- Mike Damone- "Fast Times at Ridgemont High. lol


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree to not base it on feelings or mood, but rather, CHOOSE.... your either ALL IN or ALL OUT....staying lukewarm just mean death by a thousand cuts.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> My wife has been way more affectionate the last few days and just overall more relaxed it seems. I hate to be to affectionate back to her because once she feels comfortable with us again, she becomes the evil witch of the west and I'm once again walking around the house on egg shells doing my best to not wake the bear.
> 
> I think I could really enjoy her being around if i knew there wasn't this motive behind her affection. Been down this road a few times now and always the same result.
> 
> Having this ulterior motive behind her affection almost pisses me off actually. In my head, I sometimes think "just go away and leave me be."


Don't forget that in order to feel love, you've got to give it. Always be on the look out for her sincerity. She may be trying to make progress. She might.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> Have you ever just felt done with your marriage? Just sick of trying?
> 
> I honestly couldn't care less right now if I was married or not.
> 
> ...


Yes. I reached that stage a year ago. I was tired of reading marriage books, infidelity books, trying to explain things to my H. I got rid of all the books and told my H that I would D him if it weren't for our children. He got a nasty attitude, but when our counselor told him that he has lost me, and is about to lose his children, if I decide I can't wait for the youngest to graduate, it woke H up. He is finally working on himself, and seems to want our marriage. Me, I'm still not convinced. So much water under the bridge.

Sometimes I feel trapped (youngest still has 6 years to graduate) but for the first time in our 25 year marriage I see small improvements. Our counselor says that people can change, if their core changes. My H finally realizes that his core is damaged and has been since he was a child. He wants to change. He has 6 years to change those dishonest secret areas, or I'm gone when the clock strikes 12.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Just a little update.....I was gone for 9 days on a trip. We communicated a small amount daily throughout the trip. Driving home though, I was found myself almost wishing she wouldn't be at home when I got there. I surprised myself with these thoughts. 


I got home and she was happy to see me, I held back on showing affection mostly because i was really tired from lack of sleep on the trip and the drive home. At some point though I did make a conscience choice to let her see how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot. She hated it. 

The last 3 days have been at least decent, All most good. But I've not been going out of my way to do things for her either. I fear that if i start being to nice again, she will go back to being her entitled whiny self again. 

It seems like the only time i get true affection and decency out of her is when I'm being a ****. Which i know is BS but just being honest here.

I'm to dang nice, Which I've known for a long time I guess. In life in general.


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## Daft Jerry (Feb 19, 2012)

Hearing you loud and clear, Ol’Pal. There are parallels between your situation and mine except we have 3 kids. I might in fact be unduly extrapolating from my own experience, so take the following with a grain. 

*My wife has been way more affectionate the last few days and just overall more relaxed it seems. I hate to be to affectionate back to her because once she feels comfortable with us again, she becomes the evil witch of the west and I'm once again walking around the house on egg shells doing my best to not wake the bear.*

1/ I understand your reluctance because the wickedness could return as soon as you reciprocate. Maybe you can respond to her overtures without excessive enthusiasm, but do respond to give her a chance to make things right (I fail at this often because I suspect that if I give an inch, she’ll take the mile).

2/ If your W’s proclivities resemble mine’s, she may tell you soon that your “impartiality towards her” is deliberate punishment you’re meting out to avenge past conduct. In that situation, I wish I could muster the inner calm to reject the conjecture outright and tell her to contemplate instead the equally-unappetising alternative: that my detachment reflects a genuine emotional state of affairs.

3/ A related reaction I’ve confronted: My W has attributed my disengagement to various psychological maladies she read about on the internet. I shut down this down in MC, telling her that if she starts a diagnostic free-for-all, I’d feel obliged to contribute my own observations about her psychical state that would make her exceedingly unhappy but leave no one the wiser. The bottom line: Reject attempts to muddy the waters with assorted theories.

Steel yourself and hang in there.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Daft Jerry said:


> Hearing you loud and clear, Ol’Pal. There are parallels between your situation and mine except we have 3 kids. I might in fact be unduly extrapolating from my own experience, so take the following with a grain.
> 
> *My wife has been way more affectionate the last few days and just overall more relaxed it seems. I hate to be to affectionate back to her because once she feels comfortable with us again, she becomes the evil witch of the west and I'm once again walking around the house on egg shells doing my best to not wake the bear.*
> 
> ...



I'd say we're in very similar situations. I could have wrote that myself. 

Somedays it seems that the meaner and more disengaged that I am in our relationship, the nicer she is. 

Although, I'll give it to her this week, She's been nice even with me giving a little back.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> Just a little update.....I was gone for 9 days on a trip. We communicated a small amount daily throughout the trip. Driving home though, I was found myself almost wishing she wouldn't be at home when I got there. I surprised myself with these thoughts.
> 
> 
> I got home and she was happy to see me, I held back on showing affection mostly because i was really tired from lack of sleep on the trip and the drive home. At some point though I did make a conscience choice to let her see how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot. She hated it.
> ...




I totally understand this but it's being a little passive aggressive. 

I've been there too. Done that, but it just makes you feel better only for a short time. 

If she's being affectionate then reward that. If she's not then just go about your day being happy. Not moody. 

You may be too nice, just don't do a 180 a be a prick to her. 


"No more mr. nice guy" is a great book for you if you've not read it yet. It's on kindle for $10. Worth every penny. 

Do you have any bodies that you can do by yourself that you enjoy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

steph333 said:


> Well if your talking about. Having random sex as
> *DOING YOUR THING!!*





steph333 said:


> My husband cheated on me with me women , trannies , brothels, saunas, toilet blocks, beats & probably grannies too!





steph333 said:


> My husband was rotten in bed anyway 2 min he was done like first timer pants up thanks an off to watch the footy or fall asleep!





steph333 said:


> He manipulated me and used me as a mentally weakening slave!





steph333 said:


> His an obsolete disgust to humanity!
> Even had va Ja Ja scent on his mouth face not 6 months into our marriage , coming home one night kissing me but a peck! I smelt it a mile away it has a distinguish scent!





steph333 said:


> I know I could sue him as I have weapons off mass destruction legal weapons!





steph333 said:


> He is but a sick deviate dirty old man whom prays now a days on teens!



Sorry, OP but I almost spit my coffee out laughing when you said this:



Ol'Pal said:


> *Doing my thing,* as in hunting, fishing, land management....


Apparently, she missed the part where your wife was THE CHEAT.

@steph333 Get some therapy... seriously.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

jerry123 said:


> I totally understand this but it's being a little passive aggressive.
> 
> I've been there too. Done that, but it just makes you feel better only for a short time.
> 
> ...


So over the weekend, I decided to try Jerry's advice. I put my pride aside(or whatever you want to call it) and reciprocated like a good guy would. My answers were more than one or two words, I gave her affection back with more than just a peck etc etc. I started this on Friday evening, By last night I found myself back in complete shut down mode. I was right back to walking on pins and needles in fear of wakening the beast again, it was certainly stirring. Her short little snarky answers, to flat out saying "you're pissing me off" as I was trying to help make supper. Maybe I'm just to sensitive, but it was very easy for me to go right back into my FU mentality.....

So I've got that going for me, which is nice.:smile2:


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Have you ever thought about looking up BPD and see if she fits any of the qualities?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

jerry123 said:


> Have you ever thought about looking up BPD and see if she fits any of the qualities?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have, I don't think that it fits her. 

I seem to be the only one this behavior is directed towards. And maybe her mother a little bit.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> So over the weekend, I decided to try Jerry's advice. I put my pride aside(or whatever you want to call it) and reciprocated like a good guy would. My answers were more than one or two words, I gave her affection back with more than just a peck etc etc. I started this on Friday evening, By last night I found myself back in complete shut down mode. I was right back to walking on pins and needles in fear of wakening the beast again, it was certainly stirring. Her short little snarky answers, to flat out saying "you're pissing me off" as I was trying to help make supper. Maybe I'm just to sensitive, but it was very easy for me to go right back into my FU mentality.....
> 
> So I've got that going for me, which is nice.:smile2:


So if you know that you are done, what are you trying to accomplish? Are you testing the waters to see if you really do feel something, or if she will actually make a change for the better? Just curious. Usually when you know you're done, you are working on your exit strategy...


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> So if you know that you are done, what are you trying to accomplish? Are you testing the waters to see if you really do feel something, or if she will actually make a change for the better? Just curious. Usually when you know you're done, you are working on your exit strategy...


Fair enough, I really don't want to be done... not sure i want to continue either. Limbo right now i spose is a better word than done. 

I feel like I'm wasting my life away in this current situation some days though.


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## Bam-bam (Sep 24, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> Have you ever just felt done with your marriage? Just sick of trying?
> 
> I honestly couldn't care less right now if I was married or not.
> 
> ...


I'm there.... totally there. I got to that apathy stage and she sensed it. She saw that she honestly got zero reaction out of me from her tears or angry outbursts. That's ironically when she started trying.... after she pushed me too far. Its like I was inching towards a cliff and she was just nudging me closer and closer to it... then after I fell, she wanted to stop me from falling. Too late. I already hit the floor, dusted myself off, and got ready to move on... then she threw me a rope to climb up the cliff again to try some more. ...seriously? You want me to trust that you won't push me off the edge again?


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## Daft Jerry (Feb 19, 2012)

*I was right back to walking on pins and needles in fear of wakening the beast again, it was certainly stirring. Her short little snarky answers, to flat out saying "you're pissing me off" as I was trying to help make supper.*

I'm very sorry to hear that it didn't work, Ol'Pal. But I say it's not time to give up quite yet. Having been the recipient of verbal abuse, I've come to see tirades of this sort as expressions of weaknesses, and not as projections of strength and self confidence, whatever the amount of arrogance her words seek to articulate. In other words, "You're pissing me off" is what a maladjusted teenager would say to a parent. In my book, teens do this so their parents delineate the boundaries of acceptable behaviour. A loving father will do them that particular favour calmly but without hesitation, clarifying in no uncertain terms that statements like "you're pissing me off" will not be tolerated in this house, partly because they dishonour the speaker herself, and partly because they're unworthy of an adult who wants to be taken seriously. Maybe it is high time for you instruct your wife kindly to drop the teen mode, and start behaving like a grownup.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Daft Jerry said:


> I was right back to walking on pins and needles in fear of wakening the beast again, it was certainly stirring. Her short little snarky answers, to flat out saying "you're pissing me off" as I was trying to help make supper.
> 
> I'm very sorry to hear that it didn't work, Ol'Pal. But I say it's not time to give up quite yet. Having been the recipient of verbal abuse, I've come to see tirades of this sort as expressions of weaknesses, and not as projections of strength and self confidence, whatever the amount of arrogance her words seek to articulate. In other words, "You're pissing me off" is what a maladjusted teenager would say to a parent. In my book, teens do this so their parents delineate the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.* A loving father will do them that particular favour calmly but without hesitation, clarifying in no uncertain terms that statements like "you're pissing me off" will not be tolerated in this house, partly because they dishonour the speaker herself, and partly because they're unworthy of an adult who wants to be taken seriously. Maybe it is high time for you instruct your wife kindly to drop the teen mode, and start behaving like a grownup.*


Oh yeah, sure, because THAT will work! Right!  I'm sure she will immediately see the error of her ways and change immediately because he said so. Oy. 

Guaranteed way to piss off an already pissed off woman even further? Talk to her like a child. This is who she is, she keeps showing you.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Update:

Last Thursday night my wife and i Sat down and had a serious talk about what we both needed from our relationship. She pretty much put the faith of our marriage on me, saying it was my decision if i wanted to continue because she was happy with how things had been. 

We sorted through a few issues and had a pretty good weekend together with plenty of effort on both our parts. 

One issue for me which I'm not sure how to handle deals is trust. When it comes right down to it, I don't trust her which in turn has cause resentment to build up inside for years. Which I believe stems from the infidelity found back on page 2. When I think back on that event, I just have to ask myself "why the hell didn't you move on then?" But I didn't and here I am.

How can I get myself to trust her? Does she deserve my trust? And If the answer is no she doesn't deserve my trust, I might as well move on. I'd rather be alone than with someone who I do not trust.


As always, I appreciate your views from outside the situation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> Update:
> 
> Last Thursday night my wife and i Sat down and had a serious talk about what we both needed from our relationship. She pretty much put the faith of our marriage on me, saying it was my decision if i wanted to continue because she was happy with how things had been.
> 
> ...


The only way to find out is to open that dialogue with her. Let her know you are still having a trust issue from what happened back then. Her reaction to that and her actions that follow can help you determine whether you feel she can be trusted.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> Lately, my youngest (unprompted) has been telling Mr.68, "don't be mean to my mom" and it stops him right in his tracks. She doesn't really see the difference; she doesn't let the neighbor kids pick on her sister, she doesn't let dad pick on mom. it's been interesting. I try to discourage, bc i don't want the kids in our arguments, but she won't be dissuaded. When she scolds him, it makes things really awkward bc she's right. lol.


Perhaps one of the thing lacking (in my case) is an intervening party...or at least consequences if she doesn't do something about her temper. The kids are sick of it but don't dare challenge her. For me I know all too much what a hole I would be in finanacially if I left her, so, basically, I can't. It's like Wanda said, if you want changes you have to be able to say, "If you don't knock it off, I'm leaving". I unfortunately can't do that.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Perhaps one of the thing lacking (in my case) is an intervening party...or at least consequences if she doesn't do something about her temper. The kids are sick of it but don't dare challenge her. For me I know all too much what a hole I would be in finanacially if I left her, so, basically, I can't. It's like Wanda said, if you want changes you have to be able to say, "If you don't knock it off, I'm leaving". I unfortunately can't do that.


if the kids are sick of it,
and you are sick of it,
and you can't leave.
what _can_ you do?

There has to be other things than just staying or leaving, right? Even if you left, she's the mother of your kids. It's not like you would never have to deal with her again. Plus, the kids still will, either way. Can you *make* consequences? if she flips out, can you walk away, get the kids in the car and go for ice cream (or something fun) without her? Natural consequences, if someone is going to be mean, then they should have to do it alone.

What would you tell your kids to do if they were being bullied at school? Ignore when you can, retaliate when you can't, but never rise to the occasion, it only makes them feel like they've won. 
Apply those practices to your at home bully


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> . Can you *make* consequences? if she flips out, can you walk away, get the kids in the car and go for ice cream (or something fun) without her? Natural consequences, if someone is going to be mean, then they should have to do it alone.


Definitely agree, but walking away is only good for temperary relief, it doesn't fix the problem. I would like to do something major but if I do someone too drastic she'll leave and I'll be the one in the most trouble. It should be that a man can leave and not be "penalized" in a situation like this.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Definitely agree, but walking away is only good for temperary relief, it doesn't fix the problem. I would like to do something major but if I do someone too drastic she'll leave and I'll be the one in the most trouble. It should be that a man can leave and not be "penalized" in a situation like this.


how old are your kids?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> how old are your kids?


Two are out of college but do not yet make a "living wage" so they would need to stay with one of us, probably me, since they said they could never willingly put up with her. However, like I said, I wouldn't be able to afford even a one bedroom apartment if I left her. Lawyers have said I would have to pay for the house, an apartment, her car, my car, my son's car (since he would never be able to pay the loan by himself and he works a long way from where we live so he has to have a car), insurance for everyone plus split everything with her 50/50. If you do the math it's like making me live on 30% of my salary.

The other one is in college and is depending on me for tuiton because she would never be able to afford it on her own and wouldn't be able to get enough loans to pay all of it if I left. Me leaving would be the end of her college days and I just can't do that to her.

I think she (wife) knows this and knows that she can do whatever she wants because I'm not in a situation where I can leave her.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Two are out of college but do not yet make a "living wage" so they would need to stay with one of us, probably me, since they said they could never willingly put up with her. However, like I said, I wouldn't be able to afford even a one bedroom apartment if I left her. Lawyers have said I would have to pay for the house, an apartment, her car, my car, my son's car (since he would never be able to pay the loan by himself and he works a long way from where we live so he has to have a car), insurance for everyone plus split everything with her 50/50. If you do the math it's like making me live on 30% of my salary.
> 
> The other one is in college and is depending on me for tuiton because she would never be able to afford it on her own and wouldn't be able to get enough loans to pay all of it if I left. Me leaving would be the end of her college days and I just can't do that to her.
> 
> I think she (wife) knows this and knows that she can do whatever she wants because I'm not in a situation where I can leave her.


so. what are your options? you can't leave her. you can't let her leave you. and this lasts how long, until your youngest graduates college? and Mrs. JB doesn't have a career? even though all of your children are older.

and it seems like that you were saying that you would leave if it was an option. 
and that she's terrible, but not live on 30% of your income terrible. And your adult children won't confront her, and the oldest 2 live at home after college, and you help one of the two at home with a car loan. do i have all that right?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> so. what are your options? you can't leave her. you can't let her leave you. and this lasts how long, until your youngest graduates college? and Mrs. JB doesn't have a career? even though all of your children are older.
> 
> and it seems like that you were saying that you would leave if it was an option.
> and that she's terrible, but not live on 30% of your income terrible. And your adult children won't confront her, and the oldest 2 live at home after college, and you help one of the two at home with a car loan. do i have all that right?


That about sums it up.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> The only way to find out is to open that dialogue with her. Let her know you are still having a trust issue from what happened back then. Her reaction to that and her actions that follow can help you determine whether you feel she can be trusted.



It's been awhile since I opened this can of worms but when I have, i get the "you are really going to bring that up". Maybe not in those exact words but certainly with that type of attitude.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> It's been awhile since I opened this can of worms but when I have, i get the "you are really going to bring that up". Maybe not in those exact words but certainly with that type of attitude.


Well if that happens, then that's pretty much your answer. She is going to have to respect your feelings on this and address it if she wants to work things out.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Yes! Done! With my husband. Married for 20 years and the marriage has been non-existant for the last 5...been very unhappy for about 8 years. Over the years, as happens with every married couple, we evolved into this "rut". When I called it to his attention and stated that I was not happy and things needed to change, he specifically told me ... I do not have a problem with the way things are going. You're the one with the problem, maybe you need to go to counseling. I finally got him to agree to counseling to no avail. He did not open up and communicate, and, if anything, would say to the counselor the same things that I heard at home...I know what I need to do, I just gotta do it. No change. I am still here plugging away, but I, too, just do not feel anything. I work on me.


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