# Husband & Mother-in-law Trying to Cut the Mother out of her kid's life



## sai (Dec 25, 2012)

I'm absolutely at a loss, and would appreciate some advice. This is _not_ how I planned on spending my Christmas Eve, but this nightmare has been going on for far too long and if I don't do something at least minutely proactive, I might lose it. This isn't a situation that I'm directly a part of, but rather, it's my sister's:

My sister is in an undoubtedly abusive marriage. It isn't physically abusive, but extremely emotionally abusive. She and her husband of 5 years have a 4 year old son, and he's completely caught in the middle of it all.

When he was born, since he wasn't planned, my sister wasn't immediately ready to cope with it. For 3-4 days a week, she would leave him with his paternal grandmother. This seemed like a fine arrangement at first, and fairly common as well, except things have gone downhill very quickly. My sister and her husband seemed to work fine together as parents at the beginning, but that too has completely changed.

My sister is not perfect, and she is not the brighest person. She suffers from mild ADD, and has very little patience, and absolutely no back-bone. This seemed to be the root of the problems, as her husband started being condescending, even insulting to her when she couldn't get something right. Again, she had no backbone, so she did not stand up for herself. She is loving, she has NO bad intentions whatsoever, she is a GOOD and caring person, her only flaws lie in something she can't even control - her lack of patience, attention span, etc. She is not the best mother, but the stress and fear she has due to her husband makes it impossible for her to live up to her full potential.

The years went by, and we (my family) saw very little of her husband - she and her son would come by every Saturday, and for a short period his maternal grandmother (my mom) would watch him on Mondays - then other days he would be with his paternal grandmother. Still, everything was still going relatively well, my nephew was very fond of both sides of his family.

Recently, in the past couple of years, it's gotten worse. As a 4 year old, my nephew has obviously been speaking quite a lot. He's picked up a lot of "bad" words (not swears, per se, but "inappropriate" words, i.e. names of body parts, etc) from TV as well as the Daycare he attends and the friends he's made around his neighbourhood. But again, not a huge deal, a lot of kids tend to do this. 

Then, once, his father heard him saying it, and he instantly blamed it on us (our side of the family), saying that his uncles taught him those words. This was very obviously a cop-out since... Well, we've got the kid's best interests at heart, have always been firm with him and taught him the right things, so why on earth would we teach him "bad" words? Anyway, his father - who we had all welcomed very warmly, and were always pleasant, if not friendly, with - instantly turned on us, and decided that we were a "bad influence" on his son, and would rather believe the 4 year old than rely on the years that he's known us. This is actually quite hilarious, given that his son had told us several times that he LOVES to watch Game of Thrones with his father, and LOVES to listen to Eminem with him - he even brought over a memory stick once full of rap music with swear words! Gee, I wonder where he learned all that bad language now!

So he started giving my sister trouble about this, and again, she does not have a backbone and does not cope with stress well, so she would never stand up for herself or for us, aside from telling him that it wasn't true. He decided he didn't trust her at all either, again preferring the 4 year old's point of view. He started telling his son that when he came over, he should never be alone in a room with any of us, things like that - as if we were out to corrupt him! You can see how insulting this could be. 

Still, he would come over every Saturday, generally enjoy himself, play video games, bake things with us, carve pumpkins, play in the snow, celebrate Christmas, all that stuff. Now, however, his son had realized that if he ever did something bad, he could just blame it on us and his father would instantly believe him. He began using that to his advantage - if anyone in my family ever tried to discipline him (which we fully have the right to do!), he would go and tell his father that we're "mean to him" and that we "hit him" - NONE of which is true. As a result of that, my sister's become too scared to discipline him and has come to the point where she gives in to whatever he wants - because if she doesn't, he can just tell Daddy, and Daddy will take care of Mommy and her silly, abusive family!

This obviously turned his father even further against us, claiming we were abusive, terrible people, and then he finally put his foot down and said his son wasn't allowed to come over anymore - wasn't allowed to see his grandparents or uncles unless it was out in public. Also, the son started staying at his grandma's house for more than just a few days - sometimes my sister would only see him on Saturday, one day a week, while her husband and mother-in-law kept the child all to themselves.

My parents - his maternal grandparents - would often go over to see the paternal grandmother and convince her that what she and her son were accusing us of was _not true_, but she simply wouldn't believe it. She claimed that the child had no reason to lie, that my parents were "blind" to their children's faults, that she had "proof" (which, of course, she refused to show us), etc. 

Since that last visit, he hasn't been allowed to see us at all, and now spends nearly everyday at his grandmother's, because his father REFUSES to let his wife or her family see her son. She's fallen into a depression, wakes up crying, sleeps on the couch, etc., and just doesn't have the strength to stand up and exercise HER right as a mother - and meanwhile, her husband and mother-in-law are usurping her position, trying to cut her out, and rather than listen to reason, are insisting that we're horrible people when we've been nothing but doting and loving. On the few days that my sister sees her son, it's as if he's been completely brainwashed - he pushes her away, tells her to stop talking, doesn't want to be with her, and insists on going back to his Grandma's the next day.

Now the latest development, which we heard over dinner today, was that our side of the family was NOT allowed to even give him Christmas presents - which we had already bought. We're being cut out completely. 

Sorry that was so long. I realize the obvious answer is to get my sister to stand up for herself and put her foot down, but obviously if that was so easily done it would've been done by now. Any advice on _how_ she can be brought to the point where she can do this? She's been in counseling, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything so far. Does anybody know who _I_, as her brother and the kid's uncle, can go to for help about this? Some outside force needs to be brought in because nothing is working from the inside. I know it seems bad, and it feels hopeless most times, but we have the truth on our side and I'm confident in that coming through somehow.

My entire family is being torn apart by this. We can't see our nephew/grandson, and our sister/daughter is spiraling into depression and dragging us along with her. Please help.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

This is a rare moment for me. BUT, I suggest that everybody involved who are being harmed by these people's actions pool their money and hire an attorney.
This is obviously child abuse and it will mark the child FOREVER.


----------



## sai (Dec 25, 2012)

Thank you for the quick reply! I think that is going to be the next step at this point. It's gone on too far and has been too great a tax on our mental and emotional health, as a family.

I know this is probably wishful thinking, but is there anything that can be done immediately regarding this? Would it be of any benefit to involve the police in this, seeing as my sister is being refused the right to see her child, a right which she most certainly has?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You need to try & save your sister first. Go over to her home & visit her & try to get her to see a doctor for her depression. If her husband refuses to let you in, call the police, when they come out, explain the situation. Do not let him bully you & IGNORE everything he says. If he tries to assualt you, call the police & have him arrested. 

He is has all the power right now along with his abusive family.

Take some of his power away.


----------



## sai (Dec 25, 2012)

Thanks again for the replies. 

Steps are being taken towards at least mediation, which may (/probably will) then result in a divorce. 

My sister now only sees her son once a week, because he stays with his paternal grandmother all the other days. Even when she does see him, she's forbidden to leave the house because "she cannot be trusted". Her son's birthday is tomorrow and she asked her husband if she could take her son out - he said no, and is now taking their son to a birthday party on his side of the family to which my sister is not welcome. She bought him a cake and gifts that she likely will not be able to give him. My own birthday is today and for the past four years we've spent our birthdays together - being so close in date. This year, we are not.

I'm furious with both my brother-in-law (it sickens me to even refer to him as that) for what he's doing and my sister for letting it happen. I do try to have patience and sympathy for her and her situation, because there's no doubt that she's in an abusive relationship, but at the same time it's maddening to think how different things could be if she just stood up for herself and asserted her rights as a mother.


----------



## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

If the father has taken this child out of the house to live elsewhere without the mothers consent, I think law enforcement and/or CPS might have an interest in that. Its a sad situation but your sister is the only hope and until she can get the strength to get tough with it Im not sure much else can be done. But I would definitely talk with some authorities like CPS.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your sister is in IC. Could you or some one in your family go with her so that they can explain the situation?

Your sister has every legal right to go get her child. 

If you can get her to an attorney and get divorce papers drawn up giving her at least 50% legal custody and time with him. Then she can go to her MIL's house with the police and pick up her child.

You, she and an attorney can plan this all out.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What is desperately needed here is an impartial third party. This child is being used as a pawn and it is going to damage him badly unless someone steps in and stops what's going on.

If you sister is incapable of parenting her son effectively on her own, she needs help in learning to do so - not a wedge being driven between her and her son by others who have ulterior motives. 

This really does need sorting out before a divorce is in the offing because, as things stand, it's very likely her H and inlaws have been gathering information to prove her an unfit parent... At the moment, the inlaws have absolutely no rights over your nephew, and your BIL has no just cause for preventing the child from seeing his maternal family. He has as much right to seeing them as his paternal family.

I think you need to solicit the help of a healthcare professional, and the best route for this would be through her present counselor, I should think.

What a sad and worrying situation, OP.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I would strongly encourage you to read Dr. Gardner's work on Parental Alienation Syndrome and do what has been advised - start looking for a good attorney. 

Many states will now award grandparents visitation rights. Also, they will consider what's happening if you can document it well. You ALL should keep journal with dates/times of noteworthy events. Some examples of noteworthy events include: 

- If you call to talk to the child and cannot.
- Statements the father makes that reveal that he is interfering with the child's relationships with family members.
- Any abusive actions you directly observe.
- Any conversations with the boy that reveal what his father is instructing him to say/do or that negatively influences the boy. 

Fair warning, though: Expect a LOT of heartache and stress. 

My ex went through a decade-long battle over this that cost many thousands of dollars even after he won full custody of his daughter. You're dealing with even more difficulty because you are not the child's parents, and because of your sister's condition. Alienation syndrome tends to worsen over time and you will likely discover that the boy will be manipulated into claiming he hates you, that you abuse or molest him, and more. The child is far too young to stand up to the kind of mind games you can expect and will only be afraid of losing daddy's love if he doesn't turn against everyone on your sister's side of the family.


----------

