# Trying NOT to loose the battle with Depression



## Atristan (Sep 30, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have two beautiful daughters. We have everything we imagined a beautiful home, great jobs don't want or need for anything but recently my husbands depression has really drove a wedge between us. We will go periods of time where we will be so happy and I think to myself how incredibly lucky I am to be married to my best friend but those don't last long. Soon he begins to get irritable and anger soon follows. He does whatever he can to pick fights with me and sometimes I divert these episodes because im conscious of the signs but there are other times I fall into his web. I hear his negativity and I react thus fueling HUGE fights, weeks of not talking and just complete disrespect. These fights are so petty in nature and every word, expression body language is dissected and the blame game begins. then we get over it only for the cycle to continue a few weeks / months later. recently he lost his mother and as a result has to take care of his father literally a week after her passing we welcomed our 2nd daughter and things have spiraled out of control. He has acknowledged his depression but rather then deal with his issues he would rather push me away saying he wants to be alone and talks of divorce. My heart breaks because I don't know what to do. I hate to see the man I love not love himself. I wonder what impact this will have on my girls. I don't want to leave but I also can not take the verbal abuse and fights anymore. He says he wants to be left alone and needs time but a part of me feels like I am abandoning him by doing that. I am so confused and don't want to loose my best friend.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Has he been diagnosed by a real medical professional and if so what treatment was prescribed? If the answer is yes is he complying with that treatment?


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## Atristan (Sep 30, 2015)

No he has not been officially diagnosed. He refuses to get treatment and rather then think about helping himself he'd rather push me away


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Do you have the kind of relationship where you can make the doctor's appointment, have him take the day off and you take him to the doc. ?


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

I was diagnosed with severe obsessive compulsive disorder at age seventeen, which later was accompanied by several years of diagnosed major depression. Mental illness is very agitating and it must be frustrating for your husband to maintain his responsibilities to the family while battling depression.

As his wife, you seem quite sympathetic. However, his responsibility is to enter treatment and face the problem proactively. He must first attend an appointment and be formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist. If he indeed has depression, then he must follow the psychiatrist's treatment plan, which will most likely include antidepressant medication along with talk therapy. Exercise is also known to break depression and the doctor might suggest adding a more rigorous cardio regimen. In more treatment-resistant depression, electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) is often very effective, very quickly. I underwent ECT and it helped me tremendously. It's nothing like what is portrayed in movies.

Your husband deserves your support, but he also has the responsibility to seek treatment. Doing nothing solves nothing. It is not acceptable that he simultaneously take no action and use you as an emotional punching-bag for his frustrations. He's likely to show frustration time to time, but he has to hold up his end of the situation and be proactive.


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## Atristan (Sep 30, 2015)

Thank you all for your replies. I've contimplated making an appointment for him but I'm afraid to overstep my bounds right now. In one of our "high - good" times we 100% have the type of relationship that I would feel confident in making an appointment for him and he would be fine but right now is not one of those times. He has gotten to the point he has ignored me and pushed me away the last two weeks. He told me to leave him alone and me and my girls are staying with my mom. I was on the fence about leaving because I was afraid being alone would only cause him to go deeper within this state but the environment wasn't good. I've tried talking to him or sending him messages about how I'm here for him and I want to help and nothing. No reply, no conversations nothing. I'm lost. I pray and hope for his sake and his families he gets out of this but I don't know how to proceed. I'm watching my best friend lose himself. The only talks he wants to have is about separating or being alone. What's sad is despite these moods he gets in we have a pretty awesome relationship. I've tried to remind him of those times. Send him pictures of us on vacation being happy and he either doesn't see it or don't want to see it.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

fat_moe said:


> I was diagnosed with severe obsessive compulsive disorder at age seventeen, which later was accompanied by several years of diagnosed major depression. Mental illness is very agitating and it must be frustrating for your husband to maintain his responsibilities to the family while battling depression.
> 
> As his wife, you seem quite sympathetic. However, his responsibility is to enter treatment and face the problem proactively. He must first attend an appointment and be formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist. If he indeed has depression, then he must follow the psychiatrist's treatment plan, which will most likely include antidepressant medication along with talk therapy. Exercise is also known to break depression and the doctor might suggest adding a more rigorous cardio regimen. In more treatment-resistant depression, electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) is often very effective, very quickly. I underwent ECT and it helped me tremendously. It's nothing like what is portrayed in movies.
> 
> Your husband deserves your support, but he also has the responsibility to seek treatment. Doing nothing solves nothing. It is not acceptable that he simultaneously take no action and use you as an emotional punching-bag for his frustrations. He's likely to show frustration time to time, but he has to hold up his end of the situation and be proactive.


This is an amazing post. I wish my SBTXH thought like this. Instead, he was doing more of what the OP described: "He has acknowledged his depression but rather then deal with his issues he would rather push me away saying he wants to be alone and talks of divorce." 

Dealing with someone's depression is exhausting. H takes out his anger on OW now, and even when he was home, I saw glimpses of it, but many more of them in rapid succession after recent surgery for an aneurysm. It's no way to live, on either side of the relationship. My heart goes out to you and to the OP.

The very sad thing about depression is that robs the sufferer of any feeling and of important relationships, and it creates havoc for those who love the person struggling. I've finally wrapped my head around that, and while I am aware my h is bi polar and suffers from severe depression, I finally stopped using that as an excuse for his betrayal. But I am really glad the OP is trying to get ahead of this and find solutions, and hope that she does. Best wishes and Godspeed.


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## Atristan (Sep 30, 2015)

I agree. These hard times are no way to live. I go threw many emotions throughout the day. I'm angry he doesn't get help for himself and for his family then I feel sad for him because I love him and want to see him happy then I feel bad for him because he's missing out on all the good that's happening in our lives. I'm a naturally positive person so when he dwells on the negative or gets in these depression states I just don't get it. Dealing with his ups and downs is exhausting. My heart tells me to not give up on him but sometimes it's tired of mistreatment. I used to make excuses for his behavior too but I'm too out of excuses. This latest fight was the first time he acknowledged his depression because he's always just blamed me for his unhappiness. Recognizing this problem within himself and still chooses to not seek help blows my mind. How can I help someone who doesn't want to help himself????


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

Atristan said:


> How can I help someone who doesn't want to help himself????


Stubbornness makes treatable mental illness unnecessarily worse. If you reach an impasse with him, you need to gather advocates. I would try reaching out to his parents and speak to him all together in a full-on sit-down formal discussion with information from WebMD and contacts for psychiatrists in your area.


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