# Why do I still love her?



## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

Im 24 and she is 23. Met WW in college 3 months pregnant 4 and a half years ago. Decided to get into a relationship with her anyways (stupid decision). We soon moved in together.. her baby daddy was a drug abuser so she begged me to sign the birth certificate so she can lie to him about the baby not being his. Stupid me signed it.. decided to join the military and get married to her although I still loved my ex girlfriend at the time. She found out I still loved her and wrote a letter to her after we were married. She forgave me but never forgot. Fast forward... we had twins of our own. Wasn't the best father or husband because I wanted to get a promotion to bring more income to the home. Fast forward another year to last October. She decides she wants a job because she is lonely and wants to get out of the house. I hesitate because it would be a night job and we wouldn't see each other. We agree to only 4 months so we can erase some debt. I was going to school and work full time at the time. Life begins to be stressful due to never seeing her and growing apart. In November she begins to go out with friends wife to clubs. Friend says the stupidest advice and tells me to give her an ultimatum either our marriage or her job. She becomes depressed. Early December we have multiple arguments. She goes to the club and kisses my ex friend but says she was drunk although I read that she knew about it in her journal. She begins to go into fog mode starting to talk to one of her friends having an ea while fantasizing about getting with pos ex friend. She begins to hang around 19 yr old single friend more and more. She meets OM at work and begins to talk to him. Don't really know how much she talked to him before the pa started but her PA started new years. Other friend says she texted ex pos friend saying how she wanted to have set with him. I guess he panicked and backed off or felt guilty so he told other friend. I start to panic and begin MC with chaplain. She begins to cry and say how awful our marriage is and how it was a sham. Starts to blame shift me. Chaplain recommend marriage get away on valentines day. I fly her mom here to help watch the kids. While also buying her sister a ticket for a b day surprise. DAY was valentines day where I found text dirty text and explicit pics. I confront her but she denies it. Then she decides to stay the night over his house while her mom is super angry. I try to expose to everyone including her work but her mom advises me not to press further (stupid mistake on my part because I should have got them both fired). The next 3 months I continue to make stupid mistakes begging pleading crying etc. She becomes more and more loyal to OM even though he continues to tell her she is just see to him. She even got a matchibg tattoo on her arm with him. Finally in may I kick her to her mom's house and she ends up taking the kids due to child care issues for me. In early June she begins to tell me how she wants to work things out and how she made a horrible mistake. Stupid me accepts and tells her that she needs to cut all ties if she wants to make it work. Next week she demands I file for divorce and she ends up coming up here to see her OM while leaving my children with her mom. I end up filing for dissolution divorce. After she left I did the immediate 180 on her. She continued to call me a pos dad even though I talk to my kids at least 4 days a week. I began to work out and hang out with friends but for some reason I still love her and want to work things out with her. I know I need to move on but I feel stuck... ugh she is still occasionally talking to OM even though everyone says he is a pos loser.


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## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

Btw I'm going to IC and group management to handle my anger problems. I've also began going to church. I'm trying to do all the things you guys recommend but I still can't detach for some reason. Every time she text me I fall into her trap and talk about other stuff rather than kids and d


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This woman is not marriage material, and by your own admission, you have some growing up/improving to do. Work on that....it sounds to me like your drive to be the best you can be WILL get you there. You're in for lots more heartache if you continue on with this woman. 

How is she as a mother?? How far away is she living with the kids now?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sooo... she's not only f*cking around, but she and OM actually got matching tattoos...?

DIVORCE, DIVORCE, DIVORCE.


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## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

So as a mother before the fog rolled in she was great. She was attentive to their needs and always wanted to do stuff with them. Since we didn't have a lot of money we tried to do much as possible as a family. I have been doing a lot of reading and growing up learning myself at every opportunity available. I've focused on everything I've done bad in the marriage and improved or tried to improve. Funny thing is she said the other day how she now realizes what she wants in a man. She want somebody like me then she immediately said she didn't mean we get back together. She says she wants nothing more than to make sure the kids see me as much as possible and how she know she messed up her family... she told me that she wants me to take them for a year and a half starting next year because she wants to finish school to get a career. Her grandmother is constantly telling her how she should really reconsider everything because the OM is just a POS taking advantage of her vulnerability at the moment...


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## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

Gus, 
I absolutely love reading your replies lol. My head is telling me Divorce the little witch but it's my stupid heart that hurts and aches. I know I should take it one day at a time and the pain will fade away... I just can't detach emotionally even though I've tried so hard with all the anger and pain she has put me through. Divorce is for sure!


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## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

Str, 
She lives in Washington, I live in Alaska until I move to Nebraska next month. Her OM lives here in Alaska too.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Sauce said:


> Gus,
> I absolutely love reading your replies lol. My head is telling me Divorce the little witch but it's my stupid heart that hurts and aches. I know I should take it one day at a time and the pain will fade away... I just can't detach emotionally even though I've tried so hard with all the anger and pain she has put me through. Divorce is for sure!


This is normal. It hasn't been that long. It means you're a loving man and prioritized your marriage. It wouldn't be normal if you were just able to move on in a day.

And yes, the pain will fade away. Little to no contact is key.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We love people we shouldn't love -- even when we know they aren't good for us -- because love is like an addiction and we don't want to let go. Work on that as you would any other addiction. It takes time. And a lot of effort. 

You are still very young. And you've made some unwise decisions but we've all been there. You need to move on. Yes, it's going to be difficult. Very difficult. But you can do this.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Sauce said:


> Funny thing is she said the other day how she now realizes what she wants in a man. She want somebody like me then she immediately said she didn't mean we get back together. She says she wants nothing more than to make sure the kids see me as much as possible and how she know she messed up her family... she told me that she wants me to take them for a year and a half starting next year because she wants to finish school to get a career. Her grandmother is constantly telling her how she should really reconsider everything because the OM is just a POS taking advantage of her vulnerability at the moment...


It sounds like she married because she needed the stability but wants "the bad boy"

She wants you to have the kids as much as possible right now because she wants the freedom. Kids are commitment and responsibility which is exactly what she doesnt want. It gets in the way of her perceived fun. 

In a divorce situation use that to your advantage and have her sign over sole custody to you. Have the oldest child DNA tested so in. A court setting you can show you aren't the biological father.

Don't put much stock in her long range plans, usually in the world of affairs they live completely "in the moment". And long range is usually what ever sounds good at the moment and it will change over and over,


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

you let her talk you into putting your name on the birth certificate for another mans kid. What did your parents say? Or your friends? You're now going to be on the hook for child support for another man's kid for at least 18 years. Are you sure the twins are yours?

Get a lawyer for guidance. Separate the finances, continue to stick to the 180. You should get a DNA test done on the twins to be sure. You never know.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Why do I still love her? - you still love who you wanted her to be. You love how you felt when you thought she was the person you wanted her to be. You love how you felt when she was the fictitious wonderful girl who was perfect and would never hurt you. In other words, you miss the illusion of her but not really her.


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## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

Yeah the twins are mine for sure. My family and friends thought it was dumb of me to sign it but I was young and very stupid. Lawyer said to contest a denial of paternity for him. Sadly I really love this little boy and I am the only father he knows. Since I'm in the military if I do a denial of paternity he losses all benefits. I really don't want to do that and I know if I take his siblings away from him he will be affected later on in life. It truly saddens me that she would be so selfish not to think about the future. From everything I've read and seen I know she is only living emotionally right now and I truly can't talk logically to her.


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## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

Recently since I've been going dark she has been texting me more asking stupid questions about the divorce knowing dang well I don't know the answers. My friend said she is wanting attention since she is having problems from the OM. I ignore her most of the time or reply hours later...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"My head is telling me Divorce the little witch but it's my stupid heart that hurts and aches."

When it comes to making important and lasting decisions in life, the heart is a f*cking traitor IMO.....emotional thinking will almost always lead you astray.

I always follow my head and logic....if that happens to align with my heart....GREAT.

If not, well my heart will eventually learn to deal with it.

In my experience, making decisions based on emotions nearly always leads to even more pain and worse situations down the road.

I don't know if this will help you, but when I have been in a position like you are right now, where my heart and head are at war, I give free reign to my rage and anger at the wrongs that have been done to me.

I find embracing the anger pushes the hurt and ache aside, allowing me to take the steps my head knows I must....and eventually the rage will burn itself out leaving me with nothing but disgust and indifference, which are precisely where one needs to be emotionally to move on.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Now's the time to think logically. So you're not on the hook for 18 years for a kid that's not yours. You need your resources for YOUR kids. I would even try to get full custody. Over the years this woman is going to run through tons of men and any kind feels she had toward your generosity will fall to the way side. But what won't change is court order child support. Besides, do you want your kids around these POS types that she's attracted to.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just wanted to say this, based on EXPERIENCE.
When women change their mind, it's CHANGED. She has another man. She has told you that she now wants a man like you, just not you. This is so hurtful. I know because my wife of 14 years said it all to me. I wasn't good enough. Not ambitious enough. Not rich enough. Not fun enough. Etc. etc. Like a previous poster said, your emotions will do nothing but hurt you. You must force yourself to start envisioning a life without her. Listen to people. Get the paternity test and have the child taken off of your back as far as responsibility. You can ALWAYS help if you WANT/ABLE to. If you don't do this, you may be in such a bind that you can't take care of anyone.
You don't want this person, your heart just tells you that you do. If you knew that the woman would do all these things she's done when you first decided to marry her, would you do it? Of course not. 
You have got to force yourself to exclude her from your thoughts on a minute by minute basis. Eventually, you will get so good at this that it won't hurt so much. It takes time and practice. 
I wish you luck. Emotions are the enemy in this situation.


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## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

I've talked to multiple people about similar situations and they all tell me this was her she just finally took off the mask. She will be selfish until some a-hole treats her like poop and breaks her heart just like she did with me. I guess vindictively I want karma to bite her in the behind. ? The only real thing that pisses me off is the fact that I will have to deal with her for the rest of my life being tied up with the kids and all.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

For the child support on the first kid there are a couple things to think about. If you do a paternity test to show the child isn't yours you don't HAVE to pay child support. But if you want to send extra to support him you can do so voluntarily. This way if something changes in your relationship that you aren't OK with you can always just cut off the funds. The advantage of keeping the child legally yours is you can have some legal say in parenting, which you may or may not want.


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## Sauce (Aug 16, 2015)

OK so I've talked to a lawyer about getting a denial of paternity started and what my options are. The other night though she texted me that she wanted to talk to me and she missed how things used to be. This is after going dark on her. Stupid me got super drunk at the club and bars, came home and I guess u called her telling her that I miss my family and how much I still miss and love her but I told her that I wanted to be alone for a while to grow and work on myself. She told me that she basically said the same thing and she meant it. Court date is set for 22 September and honestly I'm nervous about it.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

I am sorry your going through this. It is pretty similar to my first marriage when I was in the Army. Have you tried going on a retreat? Without anybody but you and yours. Get a cheap burner phone, so you can have a break. The biggest thing that I have read so far, is she contacts you frequently, this is almost as bad as being with her. You need a break, how can you get any peace when you two talk so frequently? Find a cheap place, a hotel, a cabin etc. Something different and away. Take your kids, they are what you need to focus on. You would be surprised what love for your children can make you forget. Leave the phone you have at home. Take the burner. Only people that should have this number are those who need it.

Now as for the paternity and the child support, god I hope your not in NY. I was stationed at Ft. Drum. My ex wife put me on the Birth Certificate (I was deployed), she made me pay for medical, day care and child support for three years until my attorney developed enough proof that I was never the father. Not even biological, but emotional as well. According to our judge, I was the father because I had been in the kids life. Which wasn't true I didn't even know she had a kid with another guy until I got home and re accessed my medical coverage.

Good luck.


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