# What would you do if you were me?



## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Last Saturday, my husband and I had an argument about his emotional affair. He got mad at me when I suggested that we discuss what we needed from each other to be happy in our marriage. I suggested this because he changed his password to his e-mail a month after I found out he was having an emotional affair. He told me that he didn't feel right with me having his password so he changed it. At that point I no longer was hurt, but angry that he still does not get it. Saturday, he finally said he did not think it was an affair, it was just "fun". He said that he likes arguing and debating people and that is all he was doing. He also said he wished he never met her.

He was yelling (this is the 1st time in 4 years of marriage) and I did not want him to wake the kids. I asked to please keep his voice down, but he refused because he was getting frustrated about this whole thing. I left and went to bed. 

He tried to apologize for yelling (nothing else) twice. But now I am angry (no longer hurt) by his actions. So when he came to apologize, I told him I don't want to talk about it. Since then, we are more like distant roommates. I don't share like I used to. I don't go out of my way to do things for him anymore. He has since last Saturday however, called one time to say he loved me and he also started cleaning the kitchen after dinner.

"Stick a fork in me, 'cause I'm so done" about this whole situation. I feel my husband now is not the same man I feel in love with and married. I understand that people change, but with compromise things should work out.

At this point I don't know what to do. I am tired of being the one who is reaching out trying to rectify this situation so we can move on and be happy again. *If you were me, what would you do?*


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When you checked to see how often he was texting, talking, etc. (if I remember right, it was excessive) was it just women that you found him in contact with or was there also a history with men? It seems the topics he enjoys debating would apply to either gender so was wondering what you found. If you found he made other similar contact with men, I personally would take him at his word. If it was only women, I would almost think he enjoys the attention he gets from these conversations...not necessarily anything sexual in nature but that 'i still got it' thing, like flirting. 

Since you are at a crossroads in discussing it, maybe drop arguing about whether or not it was wrong or an EA (as you don't agree) but keep it directed to your original point of what you need from each other...if this has created distance between you, why? ie...knowing you spent so many hours talking to another woman & hiding it from me makes me feel like I'm not your partner, that I'm on the outside somehow or something along those lines.


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

You both have to work very hard to get over this. You have to break walls down, not put new ones up.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Could you please explain to me the extent of your hubby's emotional affair?

Where is this other person located? In georgia as well?

You are at the "silent treatment" part of the argument. i've been there with my wife, but I come to the realization that the only person I am denying is "me" so I fix it.

Do you have children by chance? if so what are their ages.

Ok I recommend... you go buy a bottle of a hard liquor you can both handle, Tequila is always a good one with Lime and salt of course.

Play a game of cards, poker...Loser of the hand has to do a shot. After his third or fourth as some suttle quetions, start talking it out.

why did he have this emotional affair? is he bored? Bored with life? Does he feel that he is at a stage of life where he wants to ahve a good time, but does not know how to do so? He wants to party, but hard to do so with Family and friends and kids and constantly busy?

What does he like for excitement? As with my kids, you need to get him off the computer, and out and about...

best of luck


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Could you please explain to me the extent of your hubby's emotional affair?
> 
> You are at the "silent treatment" part of the argument. i've been there with my wife, but I come to the realization that the only person I am denying is "me" so I fix it.
> 
> ...


GaSoccerMan,

Here is the link for my original post about my husband's EA.Click here to read.

Great idea about having shots, etc. Only one problem: We don't drink. 

As far as why did he have this emotional affair, I don't know why. He still does not think he had an affair. He said there was no "bonding" going on. HOWEVER, you do not call someone 9-10 times a day and talk with them for 15-70 minutes each conversation and there not be any bonding. He just said it was "fun" even though in an e-mail to her where he told her that they had to stop calling each other so much, he told her that he like their conversations.

I do not know what stage of life he is in because I tried to discuss what he needed to be happy and he got mad. You see my husband is an avoider. He does not like talking about money, his feelings, etc. He said it is hard for him to express how he feels. He also says he's an introvert and he does not like talking on the phone. But he talked to this married woman numerous times a day sometimes for over an hour!

My husband loves baseball, but I'd say he lives for TV. When he is in town (he travels on business a lot), he comes with me and the kids to the park, but sometimes he complains. 

He's on the computer usually at night (for about an hour) while looking at TV. This is after the kids are asleep and I am cleaning the kitchen.

Do you have any other suggestions? If so, please let me know. I am curious to know what you think.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Ooops, I just posted in your other thread.
I don't have a great history of forgiving and discussing issues until the end of time, myself. I think that a person who does something wrong, knows it and should own up to it. If they (man or woman) argue or get defensive about it, they are having a power struggle. 
I am so tired of explaining myself to my DH because he chooses to "not" get it. Obvious things. (mine likes to look at porn online and then lie about it, while telling me he dislikes porn because it's disgusting and degrading).

Anywho, I feel ya. I play the silent treatment, it's probably immature, non productive and maybe a bit passive aggressive. But I get so tired of expecting the obvious. Why should I have to discuss HIS disrespect? Why doesn't HE just understand he did something wrong and got busted? If HE is unhappy, shouldn't HE be talking to ME about the problem instead of seeking other forms of gratification? Should he be talking to YOU first, before creating problems like this? 

Seriously, how would HE feel if YOU were talking to men you met online? See, I'm the type of woman who would do just that, give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he feels. I never said I was perfect though.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

samantharose said:


> .......Seriously, how would HE feel if YOU were talking to men you met online? See, I'm the type of woman who would do just that, give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he feels. I never said I was perfect though.


I actually have thought about that, BUT I don't want him to have anything on me to say I was wrong too. I never want him to have something to justify his actions with. Especially if he does this again. 

I can be the silent type about small things ('cause I know I can be nit picky). However, if it is something big, I will definitely confront you about it. But right now I am sooooo tired of trying to rectify things and he is not seeing that his values on this subject should be reevaluated. He has to come to me or something has to give. That's is why I am asking for opinions on how to handle this now.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

I understand you totally. 
I guess maybe just go about your day. Wait to see if he wants to talk? 
Do you think that some time might do him some good? You could be civil with him and give him some space. Show him you are still upset but you are not going to shun him completely. Maybe he needs a little time to sort things out. Go in his man cave.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

loveandmarriage said:


> *If you were me, what would you do?*


FEAK OUT! Lose it, go bonkers, looney, etc. ya, seriously that is what i did when i was in a similar situation. there's not a book out there that explains how to handle these things. it just has to be lived through, unfortunately. i mean, there are books, but really when emotions are running this high who is going to sit down and calmly analyze the options and pick the one that is _really_ going to help. i had the books, i had read the books, went to counseling, but still, i freaked out. got angry, got revengeful, got angrier, got depressed, cried, became hopeless, became hopeful, cried some more etc...just a slew of emotions that cycle over the years, and even cycle all in one day. and are still cycling. So ya, that's what i would do, and am doing, if i was in your situation.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm there too, but things are starting to get better. Initially, it really feels like "who are you?" "where is the person I married?" I still feel that way sometimes and it is so hard. The only advice I have is to be open and honest about your feelings and maybe he will follow suit. clearly establish and agree on boundaries b/c it seems like you two draw the line at different places when it comes to defining cheating.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

also, it is okay if you are still hurting. it's a process.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

First he pulled away and you wanted to work it out, now he seems to be trying to work it out and you are pulling away. If I were you, I would work it out for the sake of your kids and your family. Sure, he may have cheated on you with an emotional affair, but it didn't seem like it went to anything physical? Giving up should be a last resort.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

samantharose said:


> ....Do you think that some time might do him some good? You could be civil with him and give him some space. Show him you are still upset but you are not going to shun him completely. Maybe he needs a little time to sort things out. Go in his man cave.


That is exactly what I am now: CIVIL. For the past week, I have have been cordial, nothing more. I still make dinner, BUT, I don't fix his lunch for the next day. I talk to him, BUT, that is only if I am asked a question. So right now I feel like this....

*Let him go in his man cave. He can go there and keep HIMSELF warm!*


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> FEAK OUT! Lose it, go bonkers, looney, etc. ya, seriously that is what i did when i was in a similar situation. there's not a book out there that explains how to handle these things. it just has to be lived through, unfortunately. i mean, there are books, but really when emotions are running this high who is going to sit down and calmly analyze the options and pick the one that is really going to help. i had the books, i had read the books, went to counseling, but still, i freaked out. got angry, got revengeful, got angrier, got depressed, cried, became hopeless, became hopeful, cried some more etc...just a slew of emotions that cycle over the years, and even cycle all in one day. and are still cycling. So ya, that's what i would do, and am doing, if i was in your situation.


Trust me. I have done all of the above. I have been dealing with this for almost 2 months. However, right now I am in the angry phase.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

cheewagacheewaga said:


> First he pulled away and you wanted to work it out, now he seems to be trying to work it out and you are pulling away. If I were you, I would work it out for the sake of your kids and your family. Sure, he may have cheated on you with an emotional affair, but it didn't seem like it went to anything physical? Giving up should be a last resort.


I AM NOT GIVING UP ON MY MARRIAGE! I believe in earning your way out. However, I say I will probably never trust my husband 100% again. One of the things that I loved about my husband and one of the reasons why I married him was that he was honest and had high values about cheating. And that is why I gave him my trust 100%. (My own mother doesn't even have that.) 

Now I feel like he has changed. And because I feel like I don't know him like I used to, I will not be giving him 100% of my trust. Now it is at the point where I don't even trust him 1%. Everything he says is now suspect.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

I think that's a sad way to have your relationship and never trust him. I'm no expert, because I'm single, never been married, and I don't get paid enough, but isn't marriage about trust? Either you have to let go of the past and start over or deal with it. To never trust him again and be suspicious of everything he does is only going to make things worse, in my opinion. He'll feel like you're watching over him like a hawk. Do you really want to have a relationship like that?


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

cheewagacheewaga said:


> I think that's a sad way to have your relationship and never trust him. I'm no expert, because I'm single, never been married, and I don't get paid enough, but isn't marriage about trust? Either you have to let go of the past and start over or deal with it. To never trust him again and be suspicious of everything he does is only going to make things worse, in my opinion. He'll feel like you're watching over him like a hawk. Do you really want to have a relationship like that?


I hopefully will gain SOME (hopefully most) trust back. However I do not think it will be 100% again. If something comes up that reminds me of all of this, I will probably question if he is being honest or hiding something.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

wow no drinking???  But I respect that is that just a personal choice or a religious choice? Either way is fine.

Well I hate to say it, but if he does so much traveling and is on the phone so much, then pulls himself away from the family...

I personally, and hope I am wrong, that he is having an affair.

I have a womaen I send very explicite messages to, I ask her to send me hot stripping video's and sexy pics to my cell.....difference is I am married to her. 

I like it when my wife acts sexy and talks dirty to me, etc, it's a turn on for me. 

ever think about sending some sexy self pics, or a video of yourself striping to his cell?

time to start flirting with him again and get his attention.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

I agree with GA, try the flirting thing. When I do with my DH, it works wonders. For a week or two.

Cheewa, you would immediately trust your partner or leave them, if they had an affair? There has to be time to adjust. I personally would cut all ties and leave, but if I wanted to stay, trust would have to be EARNED. If he wanted to stay badly enough, then he would understand my need to ask questions and look at his call log etc. It is only normal, I think. I can't see immediately trusting again. I don't think people who care can do that.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> wow no drinking???  But I respect that is that just a personal choice or a religious choice? Either way is fine.
> 
> Well I hate to say it, but if he does so much traveling and is on the phone so much, then pulls himself away from the family...
> 
> ...


Well I have to admit I never really liked the taste of alcohol so I was never a big drinker. Now that I am older, and I have to work harder to maintain my girlish figure, so I think alcohol is empty calories. I'd rather eat chocolate than vodka. 

I asked my husband if we could have phone sex, but he refused. He said that walls are thin in hotels and he would not want someone hearing what is being said.

As far as pics. Great idea. Only two problems. 1. I do not trust my husband. 2. I do not feel we have a stable relationship so who's to say that if we divorce (God forbid), he won't use those pics against me.


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