# Can't do this anymore



## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

I have been married for 21 years we have 3 children together and one from her first marriage. Well before we got married she cheated on me 2 times with her ex husband. Trying to regain the family I guess she would not give clear reasons. Well seven years into our marriage she cheated on me with a co-worker. I found out because she was distant and cold. So I tapped the phone (Radio Shack) and caught them discussing breaking in the back seat of his new car. Well we were separated for about 6 months she living with her mother and me in the family home. I was the victim all the way and even felt like it blue all the time. Well I stopped being that and said the hell with it. Filed for divorce and about a month after that she was calling and asking if she could come home. Well I made her go to marriage counseling with me and she swore she would never do it again. She said I was ignoring her... ya I was working 2 full time jobs to cover the bills... I felt that I could once again swallow the pain and allow her return for the sake of the family unit.(DUH)
Well here I am 14 years later and still every morning I wake up with the same pain and try to rush and forget so I can go threw the day, and every time we make love I get angry because of her infidelity. I don't show it but I think the meanest things during sex. I call her names in my mind and it just is not healthy at all. I need to either find her a boyfriend so I can leave or sit her down and tell her that I can no longer do this. As far as I know she has been faithful ever since we got back together. I can not blame her now I said I would forgive but I can't. I also realize that forgiveness is for me not her. It would allow the demons to go away. Help what to do!!!


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

Why did she get a divorce from her first husband? Also how long did that marriage last. How long did her infidelity last? Six months separated did you leave or did she? You took her back because you loved her? Has that changed now?


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## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

She divorced her first husband because he cheated on her (ironic isn't it) and had become abusive physically and mentally to wards her. Her first marriage lasted about 2 years if memory serves me right. She was seeing her co-worker for about 2 month before I caught her by the phone tap. There were other signs, we only had one car at the time and she would get off work about 2.5 hours before me but was always late coming to pick me up from work. Getting all dolled up to go move freight. Things of that nature. I have no idea how long after I tossed her out. I do know that he was not fully truthful with her because during that time one of the 2 jobs I was doing was working for a PI firm and had his whole life looked into, (friends in the business). Lets just say you would not want your daughter around this guy. I shared that information with her, she at first did not believe me as would be the case. As for do I love her, yes I do but not like I should. I love her because she is the mother of my children but that is as far as it goes. I would not wish harm on her in any way, just don't like her either. I don't feel kind to wards her at all. It is all I can do to not pull away every time she comes near me. I have to get outside myself when she wants to have sex. I want to be able to be excited to see my mate not dread that moment that I see them again. I want to be happy and have not known that for so many years I have all but forgotten what that is like. 
I was able to put the infidelity with her X behind me because we were not married. But when she went outside the marriage not just physically but emotionally it shook me to the core. That kind of thing was drilled into me from childhood. You just do not do that it is against everything I was taught. If you want someone new you get out before you have another relationship.
Either I do a good job of hiding all of this or she is oblivious to my feelings and pain. She goes threw life happy and smiling. She has expressed her want that we spend time together this weekend alone to have "fun". I dread it completely. Like I said in the above post, I thought I could forgive it because I was able to overcome the first 2 with her X. But this was different this was a person she had no previous ties to in anyway that she allowed to talk he out of her marriage commitment. Man after all this time I can't believe how much it still burns inside of me. Most of the time I dream of getting in my can to go to the store and never coming back.


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## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

Well I told her of my feelings last night and she could not understand why it was still bothering me. When I asked her about some of the details she said she could not remember. I know it has been a long time but can you really forget your transgressions against someone. I don't believe her I think that she is still trying to hide details. That might be at the root of it for me. When we talked originally about the situation it just didn't add up. What she said she did and the evidence that I had. No I did not share what I knew against what she had told me, then or now. If she doesn't remember the details why can I, they are with me like yesterday. I worked for a PI firm that also delt with the clerk of courts office, I know everything she did down to her credit card statements. I had filed for divorce and knew who her lawyer was before she did. She was going for a free lawyer because she made less money than I did. I for the life of me can not understand why she wont come clean. There is a full that lawyers follow. Don't ask a question you don't already know the answer to. because the answer you get will be your down fall. I told her that I was going to seek counseling and that they might want to talk to her because the matter involves both of us. She said OK but I am not sure that she fully understands the reason I am going or she does not want to act like she does. She asked then what will happen after counseling. I told her I did not know that I was going to try to stop a complete melt down. But really I don't hold much hope. I feel that I am just going threw the steps to satisfy my need for a clean break. I would appreciate anyones real and helpful input.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Unfortunately, the cheating during the marriage is a symptom of the problem. Making promises of "never to do it again" is empty without the reason for it and ways to help the marriage. 

Set your boundaries and be willing to stick to them no matter what. Life is too short. We have no control over others actions just ours!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

justplaintired-

A very interesting thread. I am as amazed as you are that you have not been able to get over it in 14 years. Can you explain what most hurts you still. Your wife sounds like a real good catch...


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Wow 14 years in misery,

I lasted 2 yrs before the walls literally came crashing down.

Now you want blunt and reality my wife cheatd I hated her, could not forgive or forget, we did all the marriage thingy's it served no purpose. The moment of confession it was over.

We lasted 2 years in literally limbo land, then destiny played its hand and I left yes it was me to open the door.

Now 28 yrs alter happy and full of life.

My god son, what you could have done with 14 yrs of live, waste no more.

Open the door.


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## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Unfortunately, the cheating during the marriage is a symptom of the problem. Making promises of "never to do it again" is empty without the reason for it and ways to help the marriage.
> 
> Set your boundaries and be willing to stick to them no matter what. Life is too short. We have no control over others actions just ours!


OK we were having our share of problems, I was working 2 jobs. One at night and one during the day, she was working nights. We had 2 kids at the time, money was tight. But it may have been a symptom but none the less it was a decision she chose to make (to go outside the marriage). Why work on a problem when you can avoid it and crush your spouse at the same time. Win win there huh? Now for the 14 years. yes just imagine what I could have done with it. Especially after this past weekend. She told me more of her version of the truth. She told me that during this time she had been preg. and was unable to tell me. (what unable to tell me, her husband). To give you an idea of how unapproachable I was, during this time that I felt she was cheating on me she came to me and told me a, friend where works, daughter was preg and wanted to know about abortion clinics. I told her of one near by in our town. Then not a week or so later my wife was having strange bleeding and another week or so after that she was severely depressed and crying all the time. Now my wife tells me that she had missed carried our three month old baby that she had never told me about. To top it off she tells me it was a girl. I had always wanted a daughter and she knows that. In case I did not share it earlier, I am a professional NURSE. I believe that she was preg but I don't believe that she missed carried. I think she had an abortion and is afraid to tell me. Just one more lie to try and overcome in our marriage. To me it is the most unforgivable thing that she could have done. She said it was mine... She actually told me this. That would imply that she was not having an affair. Oh and in case I did not tell you the other man was of color. Which really does not matter unless you are preg and not married to a man of color. She tells me she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me and has been very loving the past few days. She told me that she was trying to protect me and that she did not want to hurt me.(PLEASE) However, if a person can carry a lie for 14 years and then tell what seems to be a partial truth which only ripped my heart out, is horrible and can lie about anything. I believe I just want to open that door. Well ladies and gents what do you think. Because I am past thinking.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

So tell me the truth... are you unapproachable? Your wife certainly thinks so. You don't give the impression of being a man that can handle the truth. I think your wife was reading you correctly. Is it not high time to start forgiving her? I know she did some bad things, but she really sounds like a keeper to me. If you walk, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Also, I have to tell you, there is a difference between reality as it really is, and reality as it feels to us through the filter of our conditioning and interpretation.


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## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

You ask if I am aproachable... I think I am. I have an open heart for my family and friends. I was open enough to let her mother and sister live with us when they had no means of support. I am not saying by any means that I am perfect. However, I was open enough for her to ask for a friend, why not to say I am pregnant, unless there was a possibility that is was someone else's. I love all my children and I have room in my heart for another. Yes were having trouble, we were fighting like couples often do. But, if you are unhappy enough to cheat on your spouse then you should leave. You might say what if she felt trapped and could not leave. Please, I was not a wife beater nor was I threating. It was not an easy time nor was it a pleasant time in our marriage. You know in the 14 years past we have never raised our voices to each other. That is good I think. Sure we disagree on some things. But, I feel that it has all been a lie. Mark you said that she sounds like a great catch. If by that you mean a person who cheated and then lied then and now. your fishing techniques are far different than mine. All I want is a clean slate. The whole truth, the clean truth not a slighted version of the truth. I believe that we can move forward with this marriage if she would just tell the TRUTH.


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

Oh boy.. ok lets see if I can figure out some advice being a woman.. when I was younger.. ok i am 25 now.. but i am talking 20 and 21.. i cheated twice in my life.. i was not married to these guys.. but i will tell u this.. i never told them, i just left them because of the guilt i carried.. either she just don't care enough to tell u the whole truth or she feels so guilty she is afraid to tell the whole truth afraid of ur reaction.. either way she needs to toughen up and tell u the truth.. I try to tell my hubbie teh same thing about many situations.. i am a very open and honest person now and i cant tell a lie anymore.. i can't even cheat anymore.. after seeing what it was like carrying around the guilt and pain.. u would think if she loves you so much and carees she would sit down and tell you the whole truth.. i mean its been years since that happened right? So you have told her if she does not tell you the whole truth you are done for good right? If not you need to.. honey i can tell you are hurting bad.. and i know you are haering this from a 25 yr old so what do i know.. but i am speaking from a womans point of view and what i have learned in psychology (my field of study).. i am not a professional.. but being a woman myself i just thinkits pointless in my view to hang out.. if she can't be open.. she won't be.. i mean look at you man.. you wanna live the rest of your life miserable? I mean after divorce it will be hard for a while.. but my saying is always 'everything happens for a reason'... you need to be strong! I know its hard to be.. trust me I know.. I been cheated on so many times and i believe my hubbie now is or has been cheating on me.. if you are to the point where you can't stand even being around her really or looking forward to sex or outtings together.. you are pretty much done.. keep me updated.. i will keep reading back.. hopefully this helps atleast a litle?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Didn't you say you are 30?


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## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

no she said she was 30 weeks prego.


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

lol well 31 weeks now...shoot don't make me older than i need to be.. than again i always have said i will always be 21 haha..u r as old as u feel.. crap when i am 50+ I will be one of them women who act like their still 21.. lol.. gotta enjoy life cause u only live it once.. regret nothing! anyway.. lol.. did i help atleast a tiny bit? I mean I can probably think of other things to say


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## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

Yes I got the message and I hope I helped you on your post. Thanks you for your input.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

JustPlaintired,

I think you know most all the details you need to know by now. If you can't forgive her and have lost all respect for her maybe you need to move on.


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## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

I think you are right. The sad thing is I love her maybe not as much as I could. But I have no idea how to get her to trust me enough to just tell the truth. Hey she did admit to cheating and I stayed for 14 years. All I want is the truth so I can finish my life with her. Why wont she just tell it and get it out of the way.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well she obviously is filled with shame and disgust in herself and you being a nurse. 

Maybe make a resolve? sit her down and tell her: "I want to ask you one more time, and please i'm begging you with all my heart, please don't lie to me, please tell the truth, did you or didn't you?" if she says no, you have to forgive her and move on, if she says yes you have to forgive her and move on or end it. You aren't doing yourself any favors health wise by harboring all of this resentment. You can't enjoy sex with her. You need to resolve the situation and move in one direction or the other. Easy for me to say I know...but you asked.


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## justplaintired (Apr 14, 2009)

No man you are right. Just dont know how to do it. I guess I lover more than I thought. Sad isn't it. Your cool bro and thanks for the words.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Glad to help. Anything else?


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

justplaintired.. i wanna cry when i see that "just don't know how to do it.. i guess i love her more than i thought".. ahh so sorry.. but martino is right.. i think u know in your heart it is time to move on.. and in the end you will be ok... u are a strong person just remember that!


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