# My EA has left me empty



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Since my EA ended, I've been all over the map emotionally (Yes, so has my wife). I've been in the "Please don't leave me" stage early on, and now have gone into "I have to leave because of me and who I've become" stage. And I waffle back and forth on these as well.

I'm still going to counseling to find answers as to who I am, what my true feelings are, and what I should do next. I find myself having compassion for my wife, but no passion. I don't know if my EA killed my ability to have passion for her (or anyone else), of if my passion towards her died about a year ago (long before the EA started). There isn't an once of romance left in my body. I'm completely empty. I just exist.

I spend as much time as I can with her. Just trying to have a general conversation is tough. The fact that I had an EA is foremost in my mind and occupies all of my thoughts. When I get up to get a drink from the kitchen, I'm asked "What are you going to do?" by her. Also, when I'm just sitting quietly, she asks "What are you thinking about?". 

I know I caused all of her actions. She really wants to "get through this" with all of her heart. She tells me that she loves me very much each day. I tell her I love her too. But it's love for a friend more than a wife of almost three decades. I'm trying to recover what I lost, but it's not taking root. 

The only thing I can think of now is to break her heart again by asking for a divorce because I can't handle what I did, and I lost my ability to have romantic passion for anyone. I'm no longer the husband I was for so long. 

Has anyone else be on either side of this issue? 

Sorry, to keep posting here as my emotions and thoughts seek help. But I have no friends close enough to confide in on this issue (my wife wants to keep this private, me and her only).


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I think I'm entering your wife's side of this issue...I've suspected him for awhile, and I've just had my first little morsel of proof.

To be honest, both sides seem equally awful. I am imagining my husband thinking these things that you're thinking. We are only newly wed. It's awful.

I hope I am wrong - but I don't think that I am.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

You do know you can't reconnect with your wife because you are still emotionally attached to the EAOW....
Do you still see the OW......if you do you can never go through withdrawal, I would suggest if you do want to stay married, you fake it until you feel it, you fill all your wife's needs the way she needs them met and she will fill yours and eventually you will need her and think of her only, you will have fallen in love again with your wife........
I think your thinking stops you from having a happy life, I think you are missing out on a great loving relationship because you can't connect this isn't about the affair it's about you and your attitude.......
love your wife and stop whinning about you all the time....
sounds like you never gave her the chance she should have had...
you have a chance to live the rest of your life happily if you allowed yourself to fall in love with your wife...............
3 decades, she must be a wonderful woman I am sure she must have felt your distance and yet she is still there for you, loving you............
what do you think love is........that sounds like it to me.........
maybe it's time to get some medical help so on a antidepresant and try to start doing things that are fun, be romantic.......


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@CandieGirl: I hope you are wrong about your situation as well. It's a lose/lose situation. I've read your story, and wanted to let you know how my EA started and progressed. I reconnected with the OW via FB. Emailed via FB a few times. Then moved to texting, then personal and work email. Read emails and texts on my phone, which never left my side because I could not wait to hear from her. We communicated night and day, everyday. I did NOT put a password on my phone. I thought that doing so would arouse suspicion. D-Day came when I left my phone alone, and my wife looked at it. I was caught right there. Confessed, and ended the EA that day. Deleted all social logins (FB, Mylife, Classmates, etc.). My behavior during the EA was happy most of the time, and not affectionate much at all to my wife. I kept up my normal routine as much as possible.

@jessi: I quit communicating with the OW on D-Day. You are correct that my thinking is stopping me. I stated that in my post as well.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Just allow yourself to feel the remorse. Think about what you did and why. If you still love her and she's willing to try to work it out, hang in there! You should feel bad about yourself, but everyone makes mistakes and it's how you pick up the pieces and move forward that matters. It's going to take time to reconnect to your wife and to forgive yourself for your actions, but both of those should come after you have learned lessons from your experience about why you did and how you will prevent it from happening again. There's no quick fix. Your EA was a sort of quick-fix and it didn't really help, so....just go through it instead of looking for a way around your feelings.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

HerToo said:


> @CandieGirl: I hope you are wrong about your situation as well. It's a lose/lose situation. I've read your story, and wanted to let you know how my EA started and progressed. I reconnected with the OW via FB. Emailed via FB a few times. Then moved to texting, then personal and work email. Read emails and texts on my phone, which never left my side because I could not wait to hear from her. We communicated night and day, everyday. I did NOT put a password on my phone. I thought that doing so would arouse suspicion. D-Day came when I left my phone alone, and my wife looked at it. I was caught right there. Confessed, and ended the EA that day. Deleted all social logins (FB, Mylife, Classmates, etc.). My behavior during the EA was happy most of the time, and not affectionate much at all to my wife. I kept up my normal routine as much as possible.
> 
> @jessi: I quit communicating with the OW on D-Day. You are correct that my thinking is stopping me. I stated that in my post as well.


Her Too,

So if I am correct in my suspicions, this EA of his will most probably escalate at some point...So either I've scared him sh1tless with what I said last night and he will stop, or eventually, he'll be fullblown with her, not giving me a second thought.

Thanks for your sharing your experience. It's painful, but it helps.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

All I do is think about what I did, feel remorse, and feel bad about myself. I'm trying to learn how to love her again. How was it that the EA "love" came so naturally (like the first time I feel in love with my wife), and falling back in love is so tough? I don't want to love out of guilt. That's not real love. It has to be real. But hell, I don't even know what real is anymore.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@CandieGirl: Maybe others here will disagree with me, but I think you should confront him now with "Tell me what you know about (the OW's name) and you, and I'll tell you what I learned about you two."

Stop it now before it goes too far!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

HerToo said:


> All I do is think about what I did, feel remorse, and feel bad about myself. I'm trying to learn how to love her again. How was it that the EA "love" came so naturally (like the first time I feel in love with my wife), and falling back in love is so tough? I don't want to love out of guilt. That's not real love. It has to be real. But hell, I don't even know what real is anymore.


You said earlier you re-connected with the OW...had you had a relationship with her before?

I know you don't want to love out of guilt. I've been on your side of the affair as well, a long time ago, and I never want to be in that place again. Maybe that's why I'm so tuned in to these types of things...ever since my own A, I've caught one man after another in various stages/types of cheating.

The gut feeling is ALWAYS right. It's making me sick.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

HerToo,,, how long ago was your Dday?

It has been only 7 weeks since my H's Dday and now for the last 2 days he has been depressed, not really interested in talking to me on the phone(he's out on the road so not home), and when I ask him what's wrong he says" nothing, I'm fine"

When I mention he has been distant and off the last 2 days , he responds "I'm entitled to a few"

So, not sure what is up with him? He tells me he loves me, but now I wonder if he is "in love with me" still.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo - do you truly never feel anything towards your wife? Or, do you sometimes look at her and know that you love her and other times that feeling gets buried under the crush of other emotions you're feeling. 

If there's is literally nothing there then given enough time you may need to reevaluate the relationship. But if there are feelings and they just have a hard time making it through to the surface then you just need to give it more time. 

Regardless, the best advice I can give you is to keep working on yourself. Figure out what sent you outside your marriage. I resisted the idea that there was something in me that caused me to participate in an EA for several months. My continued time here and focus on what's in my head have revealed quite a lot to me. I have come to understand things about me and my past that had never really made sense to me before. I have really learned a lot about myself and that has helped tremendously in digesting what I did.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@CandieGirl: She was someone I knew from the past. I never had a relationship with her. 

@Numb in Ohio: D-Day was about three months ago now. I feel the same way your H does. I love her as in caring for her well being. But the passion and romantic part of love is gone, or lost where I can't seem to find it. I say "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" when I'm asked as well. 

@sigma1299: I feel a caring love, not a passionate and romantic love towards her right now. My emotions are crushing most feelings I have towards anyone and anything. Nothing is of interest to me right now (my wife, hobbies, entertainment, etc.). 

I feel that my emotions are leading me towards a final re-evaluation of my marriage. And since that is such a HUGE decision, I need to make sure that I make the correct decision when the time comes. 

I've learned that I looked outside my marriage for many things that I felt I needed - encouragement (self-esteem building), appreciation for what I do (helpful), and addressing personal issues from the teen years. Yes, I did talk to my wife about these things over the years. With the OW I found it all, emotionally. Now it's gone.

I think I just hit upon something. I might be resenting my wife for indirectly causing me to lose what I had been seeking for so many years, and finally found. Maybe this possible resentment is causing the "love" to be blocked. I will have to talk to the counselor about this. I've never showed anger or blamed my wife for what I did, and I won't. It was exclusively my decision to have an EA. I could have asked for a divorce first, then gone out looking. But self-esteem issues may have blocked me from doing so.

More things to ponder.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You recall that I'm farther out than you from D day - I'm 15 months now. I can't tell you how many times I've thought I had it all figured out. Yet every time I thought that something would keep eating at me and I'd keep searching. That searching would eventually lead to another door and yet more self discovery and yet more questions. Keep working at it - I think you'll know when you've truly gotten to the end of the journey. I'm not there yet myself but I think I'll know the end when I see it - if there is an end...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@sigma1299: Did you ever consider calling it quits because of who you became as a result of your affair?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Didn't you post this same thing before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I had brief but very intense periods where I would feel hopeless, despondent, unloved, and wonder if it was all worth it - but did I contemplate bailing? Nope. I refused to let that thought enter my mind. I never questioned or doubted that I love my wife and that she loves me - even in the middle of my EA. If she was willing to forgive me what I did and continue loving me there was no way I would even contemplate leaving her. I just quashed anything that even remotely lead that way until I got my head far enough out of my ass that I could think clearly. Easy to say - but it was hard to do at times. 

What you're going through and feeling is normal. You just have to grab yourself by the boot straps and keep moving forward. Don't let yourself get stuck in the emotional morass of an affair. Make yourself keep moving - eventually you'll realize that you've covered a lot of ground and it doesn't hurt so much any more.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@ClipClop: One of a similar nature, yes. I just need to talk it out and work my way through these feelings. That's why I apologized for posting so often.

@sigma1299: Your conviction to your wife is the difference. I lack that at the moment, and I'm having doubts of achieving it. I try to keep moving, but I feel that I'm stuck in mud.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you been to a MD and talked to him about meds/depression?

What have you done besides seeing a counselor?

How long/often have you been seeing a counselor?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Dr. - Yes. No meds needed.

Keeping NC, spending time with my wife, keeping busy doing chores, going to the gym.

Started seeing the counselor about a month before D-Day about my Mid-life issues. I was in my EA at the time.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Since my EA ended, I've been all over the map emotionally (Yes, so has my wife). I've been in the "Please don't leave me" stage early on, and now have gone into "I have to leave because of me and who I've become" stage. And I waffle back and forth on these as well.
> 
> I'm still going to counseling to find answers as to who I am, what my true feelings are, and what I should do next. I find myself having compassion for my wife, but no passion. I don't know if my EA killed my ability to have passion for her (or anyone else), of if my passion towards her died about a year ago (long before the EA started). There isn't an once of romance left in my body. I'm completely empty. I just exist.
> 
> ...


Reassure her before she begins to worry. You can anticipate what will trigger her anxiety, act preemptively. Could you get your therapist to help you with this? Are you in MC?

Giving you room is the best thing for both of you. You will have space to decide what you want. 

Part of the process of forgiving yourself is to atone. That means you need to walk with her in her pain. She is miserable right now and needs someone who is all in. 

Have you considered separating until you are either all in or all out. Inflicting daily doses of pain by presenting her with false or luke warm reconciliation is so cruel. 

Your decision to cheat instead of confronting your issues with your wife was cowardly and self-centered. Maybe you can redeem yourself in your own mind and act in her interest and forget yourself and how you feel. 

Act with honor, compassion and empathy. Maybe the best thing to do is to go and not offer her false hope. Don't keep her on retainer just in case you need her, that is not fair to her. 

Are you certain that your staying is not just cowering out of fear of the unknown?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'll ask the counselor about identifying her triggers. We are not in MC. She doesn't feel the need for it right now. She says "Maybe later".

What exactly is "giving me room"?

I'm with her most of the time. I can feel and see the pain I caused. I am truly remorseful. 

We have not talked about separation. She does not want that for sure. She wants me to keep trying. I agree that the pain is cruel.

My cheating was nothing short of idiotic and selfish. I know this.

I've been honest with her and my personal struggle. She is trying to help. Sometimes, it's too much and drives my away. It is not fair to her and I know it. It's not false hope as long as I am truly trying. 

I'm not certain of anything other than the pain I inflected.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"My emotions are crushing most feelings I have towards anyone and anything. Nothing is of interest to me right now (my wife, hobbies, entertainment, etc"

Your doctor doesn't think this is depression? 

Have you read "Love Busters" "His Needs Her Needs"? What have you read?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Reassure her before she begins to worry. You can anticipate what will trigger her anxiety, act preemptively. Could you get your therapist to help you with this? Are you in MC?
> 
> Giving you room is the best thing for both of you. You will have space to decide what you want.
> 
> ...


Where did you get the idea separating was a good idea? I've always heard it was pretty much a disaster if you're trying to hold a marriage together.

It looks to me like he needs a new doctor, a different counselor and just drop all the excuses altogether.

Looks like a self pity party. Feel sorry for your wife HT.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

EA's are a fantasy dream come true many times. The other one is what we want them to be,what we always dreamed of...the womans 'knight in shining armour' or the guys 'Angel' he has always dreamed of or fanticized of. But they are always unrealistic. BUT,the effect they leave on us is very crippling. 
What you are going through is very normal.
But your marriage can heal and become better than it ever was. Trust me...I have had it happen 5 times between this woman and myself. In whatever way you see fit,seek Gods help and he can heal your marriage. Should you be at the place where even God seems to say,'Enough!"....then just let it die and move on.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

OP,could you tell us more about this statement?


I've been honest with her and my personal struggle. She is trying to help. Sometimes, it's too much and drives my away. It is not fair to her and I know it. It's not false hope as long as I am truly trying.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I say the following with the utmost respect for you, your wife and the circumstances you find yourself in.

If you think you feel like crap now, wait until you have completely devastated her by leaving. What you are feeling is guilt and it will chew you up and spit you out, destroying any chance you both have at reconciliation. You cannot change your past, only your future and current situation. You have a wife who has forgiven you, remember that and try to forgive yourself. I know it's hard, very hard.

You do sound like you are depressed and I would not recommend making any decision while in that state. There are many checklists on the net you can do to see if you are depressed, try one or some and take them into your doctor to discuss the results. Ask him for medication to help with this whole situation.

I do think you guys need to see a MC, even if your wife is hesitant tell her you think it would help you in your effort to reconnect and reestablish your connection. 

Marriage is work, especially after an affair, but it can be successful. Start reading some of the success stories, fill yourself with positive thoughts, emotions should follow. Don't quit because your ashamed, it will only bring more guilt later on.

My favorite story I would read was by a woman who divorced her husband for cheating. Years later she looked back and regretted the decision. She realized that all marriages were hard work and wished she had worked things out with her first husband instead for putting as much effort into a new relationship.

As for posting your feelings? Bring it here. There will always be someone who can relate and offer support. They don't say it's a roller coaster of emotions for nothing. Just hang in there, get help and lots of it. Were here for you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Here is my 2 cents..

You need to forgive yourself for what you have done. you will need to do this before you and your wife can move on, Together.

When I ended my 3 month EA in August it was very hard to do so.. I had grown really emotionally attached to him. The connection we had was pretty intense and it was hard to give that up. I felt alive and so on..

I didn't think I had any feelings left for my husband either.. I was just going through the motions with him everyday, it was routine. 

Chances are that the feelings for your wife are still there, you have just buried them. I know i buried all the feelings I had for my husband. They have finally come back, it did take a little while for that to happen.

You are also going to have to get over the other woman. and mourn for her. You will also wonder if you did the right thing by ending things with the other woman and not ending things with your wife to be with the other woman. You did do the right thing.. 

I know that right now that things are hard. You will get through it and once you do you will feel like a totally different person.

Also talking to your wife about things can help.. She is hurting also.. You need to be there for each other.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

chapparal said:


> Where did you get the idea separating was a good idea? I've always heard it was pretty much a disaster if you're trying to hold a marriage together.
> 
> It looks to me like he needs a new doctor, a different counselor and just drop all the excuses altogether.
> 
> Looks like a self pity party. Feel sorry for your wife HT.


Have you read his other post? He vacillates daily and he does not love her. But he is using her for sex. 

This is something I don't understand. Here this man is talking about how remorseful he feels about hurting his wife blah blah. 

But do you notice something? It is all about him. Moreover, if he is so sorry, how can he stand to use her for sex? He himself said that he is having sex with her not out of love or a desire to bond but to masturbate into her. 

How is that for sorry. I wonder If she is aware of that bit of deception. I am certain not that would cut off his supply. He does not have to love her but he could at lest see her as a human being with feelings connected to her holes. 

This is why woman find it so difficult to believe that men can attach any emotions to sex. Is there a switch that gets turned off that makes getting an orgasm more important than the utter devastation this woman will feel at not only having a cheating husband but to have a stranger in her home who can use her like a common [email protected] 

Where are those feelings of remorse while he gets his rocks off. How does that work, I don't understand and I think it is not possible to understand in any human sense.

How do you empty yourself of all feeling, compassion and human feeling while humiliating another human for 2 mins of useless pleasure? I'd like to understand because I have seen this many times on the forum. 

He needs to leave. All of his sorrow is nothing but deceptive self-deluding posturing. His wife will be fine from his description of her. He is the one who will not do so well. 

Actions speak and if you ignore the words you are left with the desire to wash your face and hands.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Have you read his other post? He vacillates daily and he does not love her. But he is using her for sex.
> 
> This is something I don't understand. Here this man is talking about how remorseful he feels about hurting his wife blah blah.
> 
> ...


OP, read every single word Catherine just wrote and then re-read it again and again. Set your wife free. She deserves somebody who doesn't have to comfort a husband who is grieving his affair with a woman who is so lacking in morals and values that cheating with a married man is okay. She deserves a man who doesn't come home and cry over the loss of his cheating lifestyle, care only about himself and the only reason he isn't with skank is because the relationship was discovered. 
You made your wife Plan B. Let her be Plan A to another man who values her and loves her and doesn't have to pretend. 
You already said you don't love her, so let her go. She deserves a HELL of a lot better.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

My WH had an EA from FB and it progressed. Get it through your heads (all of them) this is FANTASY! Yes it's exciting and taboo but watch yourself. It takes emotional maturity to say No.

It led to me getting a divorce in 4 months from Dday. I wanted out because this person was in such a fog that he would not listen to requests of MC.

Now he has aged 10 years. His EA turned into PA and she is married currently for 45 years.

This is not what you want in your life, trust me. If you continue to titillate yourself this is the path you will travel. And when the fog clears you will realize the mistake you made.

There is a reason your marriage has lasted 30 years. Don't give up now because you are bored. Get creative within your marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> My WH had an EA from FB and it progressed. Get it through your heads (all of them) this is FANTASY! Yes it's exciting and taboo but watch yourself. It takes emotional maturity to say No.
> 
> It led to me getting a divorce in 4 months from Dday. I wanted out because this person was in such a fog that he would not listen to requests of MC.
> 
> ...


She is currently married? Did you out her to her husband?


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Life isn't easy, and sometimes we need to make hard choices. 

It would be unfortunate to throw away a 30 year marriage for some fantasy, which is what EA's really are. 

But if you want to, so be it. Let your wife find a man who will be really into her and not just blessing her with his presence.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

First, the EA is over, and the OW is gone. Going to her is NOT an option.

As for what I've been sharing with my wife, I've been sharing my thoughts and feelings with respect for her feelings. My counselor said to share information that she requests. She knows that I feeling indifferent right now, while I'm trying to get back my love for her. She is trying to help me. But some of the things she says and does do the opposite by what feels like I'm being forced into one decision before I feel that I have the ability to honestly commit. 

As for sex, she initiates it when she is in the mood. I respond, but it's not "making love". It's just sex. She is NOT my sex toy. I feel guilty each time we do it because of my lack of passion for her. It's not right!

I've read both sides of the fence in the responses here. If you re-read them, you will see both the "hang in there" and the "your wife deserves better". I'm have admitted several times that I'm on the fence. That's why I'm here. To talk it through and make some sense of things.

As for depression, the doctor who said it's not is the same one who diagnosed me with depression several years ago. He monitored me while I was on medication, and decided it was time for me to stop the medication. He continued to monitor me for years after. The counselors (two) I have been to also agree that it's not depression. 

As for reading, I've read one book, and several articles online. I get more and more confused as I read.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

chapparal: No I did not inform the OW's spouse. Didn't have contact information and they live in another state. They're not youngsters either. They're all in their mid-60s. I am younger than them. By the time, I learned (purely by accident) of the PA (he lied to me when I had asked), the proof, we were divorced and I was pulling my modem from his computer (day of moving) when I saw the message of "how she loved when he was in her", on his PC as the screen darkened.

Nice parting volley.

Her too: Unfortunately, you are going to be alone in your decision as all of us have been. All I can say is that I ought to have quieted my feelings and listened to the inner voice. I ignored it and all the red flags.

Good luck in your decision.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I want the decision to be the best for my wife. I've put her in a crappy position of having a cheater husband that she can worry about if I will ever cheat on her again, or getting a divorce and starting over. Both suck.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

HerToo,

I think we may be on the same journey. I had a PA/Ea, it ended on D day, it was both intense emotionally and physically. But I felt the need to work it out with my husband of 24 years, and we had two small children. I suffer through remorse every day, "what the hell did I do to my family". I also live with the fact that yes, i do love my husband very much, but it's tough when you've had a taste of the "other side", it's very much addicting to have someone else adore you and give you the attention you so crave. I struggle every day with wondering if my marriage is salvageable, I struggle with being unhappy with myself as well, is it because I'm not happy in my relationship, or is it other things that actually led me to have an affair in the first place? not sure right now, I think it's a dark place be in, kind of in limbo I guess.

I don't really have any advice, but I can understand where you're coming from.

all the best


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@working_together: How long ago was D-Day for you?

Thanks for sharing your story.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

HerToo:

D Day is about 8 months now. We did try MC at the beginning, but hubby felt that the therapist was taking my side, and the other therapist was a complete crack pot. Funny thing is, yes I went through the withdrawls etc. that come from ending an affair, but I have no feelings for the OM at all, kind of disgust for him really, or maybe it's disgust with myself for getting wrapped up in BS. 

I think you're still missing the "high" and wondering if you'll ever get that with your wife again. Long term marriages sometimes miss the "spark" that you once felt, and you just want to feel alive, it's difficult. I started reading a book "The Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, it's a good read, it talks about intimacy etc.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I think you hit a big point that's impacting me. I am unable to accept forgiveness from my wife, because I am unable to forgive myself. It's also blocking my ability to show sincere passion for my wife. I have extreme doubts that I will ever accept what I did and forgive myself. I can't fully recommit myself to the marriage while I doubt my ability to give valued trustworthy love ever again to anyone. 

I want my wife to be happy. She knows I can't forgive myself, and the impact it's having. I'm trying to help myself so that I can help our marriage. 

It is a dark place to be. I'm wandering in pitch darkness while looking for solutions that I can't see.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

From what you've been posting, it doesn't seem like your wife knows exactly how you feel. Could she read these threads and feel like it's been said before or would it be news to her?

To really move forward and create a more intimate marriage, one that is totally honest and open, you should be able to discuss everything you post on the threads with your wife. If you are unable, then she doesn't have the full truth of your state of mind.

My H had an EA/PA and I know it was hard for him to let go of the attention after d-day. But my H has been forthcoming and I believe relatively honest with what he was feeling during the affair and after, not all of it easy to hear. I can say that if my DS was waffling about his commitment to me, I'd want to know because I'd make the decision easy for him. It would be my decision to let him go. We are working on the issues in our marriage that make either one of us vulnerable to straying in the future, but it's the commitment to a future together that pulls us through the difficult talks.

My concern is that your wife is in denial and rug sweeping, she just wants to get back to "normal". It might be even more painful for her to hear you'd prefer being alone to being married to her, but she should know it's something you're still considering. Otherwise you'll blindside her again someday if/when you decide you want a divorce or separate.

Put it this way, if my husband said he wasn't sure he loved me and was unsure of his ability to be committed to our marriage for the long haul . . . I would not be wasting my time going to MC with him now. I would've started divorce proceedings and counseling for myself and children. If he even sounded like he was waffling about his commitment to me right after d-day, I was quick to offer divorce as an option. I didn't allow much waffling, you're either in or out because either way it's going to hurt. Divorce is painful, but so is trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. I only want to go through one.

Your wife probably doesn't want to go to MC because she's afraid of what she will hear and the truth of the state of your marriage. You really should find a good MC and if your wifes balks, let her know how close you are to considering a divorce. My guess, she'll prefer the MC.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

My wife is completely aware of how I feel, and this is not news to her. She is even offering help to get me through this in a positive way. 

I also share the concern that my wife is rug sweeping. She refuses to listen or ask for the details. She wants to put this behind us and move on. 

Thanks for the advice on the MC.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

maybe you'd have an easier with forgiveness if you actually knew what it means and that it doesn't mean you are forgetting about your sins but rather doing your best to learn from them


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*My EA has left me empty *

Not surprising. That is what happens once the high wears off (and reality sets in, i.e. the affair isn't a secret anymore.)

Sorry to hear you are down HT... I hope you feel better soon


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Oh, I've learned from them. I learn more each day. And I don't like what I learn about myself in the process as well. I will never do this again. I can make sure of that. Maybe not forgiving myself is acting as a change agent to ensure I don't do it again.

The high is definitely gone. The reality of the pain I caused remains a constant reminder of my actions. I'm down because I really want my wife to be happy and to recover, even if it's without me in the picture. She is my priority. I don't think she has dealt with the reality yet. I wish she would ask for details so that she can start her recovery. She can't continue to pretend that nothing happened, and that I am who I was.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I* don't think she has dealt with the reality yet. *I wish she would ask for details so that she can start her recovery. She can't continue to pretend that nothing happened, and that I am who I was.


She IS dealing with her reality, HT. It just sounds like in a lot of your posts that you don't LIKE the way she is dealing with the reality of your affair. Which isn't fair. It's clear that you take issue with how she is handling this and are saying she is "rug sweeping" and not dealing with things (says you), so why not *tell her *that you feel she is rug sweeping and you want her to get angry at you because you know you fcked up and you betrayed her and you own that and you want her to ask you questions about what happened and that you want her to stop pretending like it didn't happen because it did.

TALK. COMMUNICATE.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Oh, I've learned from them. I learn more each day. And I don't like what I learn about myself in the process as well. I will never do this again. I can make sure of that. Maybe not forgiving myself is acting as a change agent to ensure I don't do it again.
> 
> The high is definitely gone. The reality of the pain I caused remains a constant reminder of my actions. I'm down because I really want my wife to be happy and to recover, even if it's without me in the picture. She is my priority. I don't think she has dealt with the reality yet. I wish she would ask for details so that she can start her recovery. She can't continue to pretend that nothing happened, and that I am who I was.


If she's in any denial about the affair and not facing the reality that you're no longer the same man, I'm sure it's not helping her or you to heal.

Our MC said "life is a repair project". We're constantly changing as people, so one can't expect everything to always stay exactly the same. However, it doesn't mean changes have to be horrible or scary. We can learn from our past and be better people, both the DS and LS need to evolve but it's best if done together.

Really try to get a good MC. I find it really helpful facing hard realities and how to keep focus on the future. The past is just that, the past. The only thing you can do with it is learn. You can mourn the loss of who you thought you were or what you once had, but it's not going to help make a better future unless you both deal with it head on. 

Saw a quote the other day, "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." Thought it was a good one.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

[QUOTESaw a quote the other day, "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." Thought it was a good one. [/QUOTE]

Wow, now I like that!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Jelly: I've told her many times that I don't think she's dealing with what really happened. She says that what she is doing is her way of dealing with it. I agree that it is her way, but is it healthy and productive? I have my doubts.

@Saffron: You are correct. It's not helping me or her, in my opinion. I'm looking for a good MC now. Should I not use my IC counselor for my MC? I don't want to go in with any bias. Of course, this all assumes she will even go.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

HT, I was watching spiderman 3 today and there was a line in the movie that really caught my attention.

It was when Aunt May asked Peter if he had popped the question to MJ or not and Peter said no because he had hurt MJ and didn't know what to do to fix it.

Peter's aunt then told Peter he starts by doing the hardest thing, and that was to forgive himself. I just realized that for a truly remorseful WS to heal is that we eventually have to be able to forgive ourselves also and not just get forgiveness from our spouses.

If we don't forgive ourselves we'll poison the marriage because we can't move forward either.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know that I will poison my marriage if I can't forgive myself. I still haven't forgiven myself for many other minor things that I've done in the past decades of my life. This is a major issue.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HerToo said:


> @Jelly: I've told her many times that I don't think she's dealing with what really happened. She says that what she is doing is her way of dealing with it. I agree that it is her way, but is it healthy and productive? I have my doubts.


You don't get to dictate how she deals with it, HT. It is selfish of you to want her to handle it the way you want her to after betraying her. 

Let her deal with it the best way she knows how and be there for her. Work on what you did to contribute to this. She needs to work on her part of the current dynamic. You both need to communicate how you feel. 

CH is right about forgiving yourself. It's easier for some than others. That is a journey in and of itself. Don't rush for that. It will come in its own time.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm not trying to dictate any way for her to handle it. Sorry if I left that impression.


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