# Wife cheated while I was deployed



## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

The title says it all. We were newly weds and i got sent to afghanistan. She moved on base towards the end of my tour and had a PA with a core-men (medic). I had my suspisions but she swore that nothing ever happened. We bought a house and had a child. 2 years later she tells me about it. WTF am I to do? I know the guy she introduced him as a friend of hers. She told he brother and his babies momma while the affair was on going! Half her family thought she had and never said anything to me! It's been 9 months since D day and i still get sick about it. Im going slowly mad over this. Since D day we have been moved overseas. I cant get a divorce while overseas so im stuck here for 3 years with her. I cant help but replay what i think they did in my head over and over again. I have asked her what exactly happened but she claims she cant remember all of it. The pain never goes away. It wont stop, I put a fake smile on every day at work. I just want the wife i thought I had back. In this case ignorance is bliss.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

First of all thank you for your service and sacrifice. You aren't going to get back the wife or the marriage you had. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, if you can live with uncertainty, which all of us do to some degree. Please look into counseling services available on your base. I'd start by yourself, and once you have a handle on your feelings and whether you want to continue the marriage, couples counseling may be helpful. My prayers are with you.


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

We did the counseling thing, it helped for awhile but it doesn't anymore. I still love her in a way but im upset with myself for it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why did she decide to confess?
Is she remorseful?
How her family are behaving? Amyone apoloñgized for having you in the dark?
What are her reasons/excuses? Why did she involve her family in the mess?
Has her done any kind of work to affair proff herself? Readings? IC?


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Sounds like a great family(hers)!! 

You should at least check with your legal office about being able to document the end or separation etc so she can't claim more married years when she comes after your retirement.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Head up mr,

Because the good news is: The people on this board will help you come out of this, with or without your wife still with you.
Just take it easy.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hurt_husband said:


> Im going slowly mad over this. Since D day we have been moved overseas. I cant get a divorce while overseas so im stuck here for 3 years with her.


Why cant you divorce while overseas? Is there some sort of legal rule?

You may want to check out the divorce laws in the country you're at. They may be more favorable and quicker than the US?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

hurt_husband said:


> We did the counseling thing, it helped for awhile but it doesn't anymore. I still love her in a way but im upset with myself for it.


I get the being upset with yourself. You have to get past that. She made the choices that you are living with today. All of them bad. It was selfish on her part.

It is never to late to take some steps. If the other POS is still in the service. Expose him to his CO. Tell her family that are out of your lives. They knew about the A and they did nothing and kept you in the dark.

Thank you for your service and I am sorry you are going through this.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> *Sounds like a great family(hers)!!:*(
> 
> You should at least check with your legal office about being able to document the end or separation etc so she can't claim more married years when she comes after your retirement.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Why she confessed now? Is it because someone of her family was going to out her?


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

SHe confessed by accident. I asked her as a joke if she had cheated on me and it caught her by surprise. All she could say was that she was sorry. The POS is not still in the military he got kicked out. I have to get a divorce from the state that we were married in. I do not interact with her family much but she does 24/7/ She and they say it was not their place to tell me about the affair. Her reasons were that we were newly married and she didn't know that sex and love should be in the same boat. She was lonely and missed me just wanted me home. I never "listened" while on the phone, and this guy was there for her. They guy sent her a pic of his junk and her brothers baby momma saw it so she told the both of them as if it were no big deal. This is the guy im cheating on my husband with while he is trying not to get blown up. Her family doesn't give to sh!ts. She has said she is sorry and wishes she could take it back. idk if i believe her though how can I after this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

For starters I would inform her family that they are no longer welcome in your home. If any of them were are your wedding, part of being there is pledging to stand behind the marriage. They betrayed that pledge as it was their place very much to tell you. Instead they took the cowards way out.

And really, she didn't see sex , love, and being a faithful wife as linked? Then why didn't she tell you before she was going to cheat, or during it?


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

A while back i went to the guys house and confronted him. He lied to my face said he didnt know what i was talking about. that my wife came onto him and he left that was it. That she was just messing with me. I just walked away! this dude slept with my wife knowing she was married and i just walked away! I am so mad with myself for not doing anything. They both gat away with it. Im the victim and im the only one who gets punished and whom hurts! I play it over and over again in my head of what i wish i would have done to this guy. why didnt i do it? i was a little b!tch about it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Attacking him would only have got you charged.

You can post him on cheaterville.com however.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

First off, thank you for your service. You are doing a job that very few people can do. And you are doing it with an emotional load that cripple others. You are trully a man among men. 

Also you want to bury this guy in the ground. Fair enough. 
But let me tell ya, I did that with my wife's OM. And let's see here, how did it end... 
I had to call in a favor from a detective that I know (he owed me a big favor so got the charges I had to go to court for went down to 1) and he also let me just pay the fines, and not go to jail.
But the fines, plus lawyer fees after the charge was overturned came to $85,000. 
Now, I know you military guys don't make that much, so I am willing to bet you probably don't have that lying around somewhere. 
So, then you would be in a military court, and probably hung out to dry. I hate the legal system, and I am sorry this had to happen. 

Now, as for your wife:
Can you get her in big trouble for this?
Because I heard some story about how some guy found out his wife was cheating on him with another guy in the military. The betrayed husband went to his Sgt., told him, and now the betrayed husband is a free man. He owes his wife nothing, who cares what happened to her, and the guy she was with? Well, he is doing time up in Leavenworth. 
The guy also lived in Texas, and I know they don't look to kindly on alimony laws there, but I am hoping when something like this happens, it is applies every where. 

So you might try taking this to your officer, and telling him you can prove that this has been happening. I would first though, maybe try to get her admit that she did it. And maybe get some guys from your unit to listen in, or get a VAR if you can. Get some evidence. Because you want to make sure she can't come after any of the benefits you are entitled to, or your retirement benefits, and then let's get this medic a bunk mate up in Leavenworth. 
And I am curious, maybe someone knows: 
I know that child molestors and rapist aren't looked upon to favorably in prison. I hope the same holds true for men that have sex with the wives of military men.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Also, I want you to realize something. 

You come from the military. You will have a discipline that most people won't, and employeers kill for people like you. Ones that are disciplined, loyal, able to stand their own, men of iron. 

Also, you are young! I am guessing you aren't even 30! You have a nice long life ahead of you. Being in the military means: you are fit, eat healthy, and know that eating healthy is important. So with today's technology, and medicine, you'll live to be 100+ 
And here is what you should do once you get out:
See if you can live on base, then use your military benefits and go to school. Try a community college, find out what you want to do, get your classes done, then transfer, and get into a program. Business, law, engineering, medicine, whatever you want to do. You have the discipline to study and work hard. And once you have that discipline, you can go anywhere. 

Yes, life right now for you, sucks! 
But life loves to take turns. 
And I am willing to bet, if you do the above, go to school get an education, become whatever you want to be (an accountant, a lawyer, a banker) you will start making money, and you will be the biggest catch there is. A man of iron that can hold his own, and a man that has a future. Before you know it, you'll have women banging on your door every night of the week. 
It is just your job to sift through them. Toss out the gold diggers, the tramps, the ****s, those without morals, those that cheat when life gets hard. You want to find a woman of integrity. 

And I don't know if you are religious, but there is a little comic I always find interesting and uplifting:
There is a man walking and talking with God in Heaven. And he asked God, "I know you were there when my life was easy, and I could hear you, and I felt like you had my back when times were good. But where were you when my life got hard? When my life became almost impossible to bear?"
God looked at the man, then said "I walked with you everywhere, you just didn't always see me." God then looks around, and shows the man a green and beautiful pasture, saying "I walked with you through that beautiful plain, when life was going great for you." Then God turns, and shows the man a very rocky and dangerous path right before the pasture, and says "And that is where I had to drag you through before I could get you to that pasture."


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hurt_husband said:


> I have to get a divorce from the state that we were married in.



So, what prevents you from contacting a divorce lawyer in your State and have him start the divorce?


Also, are you sure you are the biological father of your child? A paternity test, about $100, should ease your mind on that.


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

yes I am sure he is mine. I would have to fly back for the paperwork and court. She already has said she would fight it. As for him getting in trouble he is out of the military. Nothing can happen to her since she is a civilian. I am trying to work it out with her. It doesn't seem like she tries all the time though. Almost like she doesn't want to do the work at times. IDK maybe its just me


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

hurt_husband said:


> Her reasons were that we were newly married and she didn't know that sex and love should be in the same boat.
> 
> She was lonely and missed me just wanted me home.


What twisted logic! 

... And she boasted it to her family !!!

... And she can't remember all of it !!!

... And she accidentally revealed it to you !!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

hurt_husband said:


> yes I am sure he is mine. I would have to fly back for the paperwork and court. She already has said she would fight it. As for him getting in trouble he is out of the military. Nothing can happen to her since she is a civilian. I am trying to work it out with her.* It doesn't seem like she tries all the time though. Almost like she doesn't want to do the work at times.* IDK maybe its just me


Don't doubt it a bit and am not surprised. Why? Because of her view of sex/love/ marriage. If she still holds the same views (appears she does) then you have a very troubled future with her. If you intend to remain married (can't see why you would - but 'love' is strange) then you need to get some MC immediately. Start with the base Chaplin even if you're not a believer. Start laying some paper-trails for the legal challenges that I fear are in your future..


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## Loveandpizza (Sep 8, 2012)

This is a common story. I hear that the divorce rate is higher among those in the military. Some women even prey on military men because of the $$$ benefits and she will be able to do as she pleases while you are deployed. I know some women that would only date those in the military. Now I don't know if this is the case with your wayward spouse. She probably acts as a perpetual victim who has no free will. How much she masterminded all of this to her benefit and when she decided it all I do not know. Also be careful if she says she wants the divorce to be amicable. Get as much physical evidence for court as you can and do not reveal it to her until your lawyer says to reveal it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hurt_husband said:


> yes I am sure he is mine. *I would have to fly back for the paperwork and court.* She already has said she would fight it. As for him getting in trouble he is out of the military. Nothing can happen to her since she is a civilian. I am trying to work it out with her. It doesn't seem like she tries all the time though. Almost like she doesn't want to do the work at times. IDK maybe its just me


Instead of flying back for the paperwork, you can have the paperwork done where you are, then mail or courier it to the State. Do you have a friend or family in the State to help you file it in court? 

Or, if you have a lawyer, he/she can handle all the paperwork. 

As for the court date, you can always postpone or delay the proceedings since you are out of the country defending your country. For the appearances you need to do, you can have them scheduled ahead of time to coincide when you are in the States.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

You may need to do the 180, in order to get your selfrespect back.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

aug said:


> Instead of flying back for the paperwork, you can have the paperwork done where you are, then mail or courier it to the State. Do you have a friend or family in the State to help you file it in court?
> 
> Or, if you have a lawyer, he/she can handle all the paperwork.
> 
> As for the court date, you can always postpone or delay the proceedings since you are out of the country defending your country. For the appearances you need to do, you can have them scheduled ahead of time to coincide when you are in the States.


Is it possible that he might be able to file thru the US embassy?


Place phone call ,you never know.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Just occoured to me just now. Is it a possibility to download divorce paper. Fill them in. Fedex to a family member,and have them fille on your behaf? Or just retain atterney to file. Just as one of. Until you can get home.And have more time to shop around for legal counsel


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You pull on the rope together or not at all.

If you seriously feel she is not doing her part, than R is not possible. If she's pulling with you, she's a partner. If you have to drag her butt along with the marriage, she's deadweight.

First off, STOP IT! There are hundreds of fellows in the military who have had to divorce spouses while overseas or even deployed. You think there aren't programs in place for that?

So it (most likely) ISN'T impossible. It's inconvienient, possibly expensive and embarrassing. That is NOT impossible!

As stated above, you can retain an attorney who can put all the paperwork in place RIGHT NOW. And guess what? You don't NEED to prove adultery or any of that. You don't need a VAR or any of that nonsense. You just don't want to be married to her anymore.

It's that simple.

But you seem diffident on this issue. You like a calm household. You like household chores being done. You like sex without the lengthy expensive courtship rituals. I would.

But picture being sent on a two week assignment to wherever. Look around your base. How many of those guys are single? How many would DIE to get a piece of tail? You want to live with that kind of doubt?

So she needs to woman up very hard or you can do your own internet browsing for attorneys.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Talk to the base legal office. They may be able to advise you about procedures concerning a divorce. For serving military members most States make allowances when it comes to common legal practices like having to appear in person to sign documents.

Check it out - you may be surprised.


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## MainMan#6 (Apr 28, 2012)

I could be wrong but I think I just read your wife's side of the story.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MainMan#6 said:


> I could be wrong but I think I just read your wife's side of the story.


Link?


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## MainMan#6 (Apr 28, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Link?


I confessed infidelity to my husband and now - LoveShack.org Community Forums

Like I said, I could be wrong but it sounded familiar.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MainMan#6 said:


> I could be wrong but I think I just read your wife's side of the story.


No your not wrong.Thats her alright. If he wants to reconcile 
with his wife. I wish all the best a,and good luck.

When i read her posting, i don't know what to think. sheer volume of
arrogance is unbelievable. I just hope im wrong about the arrogance part.And that is more due to immaturity.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Huh. The tales are a bit different. She comes across sort of worse than what hurt hubby is saying.

"Why can't he get over it?"

That's a valid question but honestly, she can't dictate how long it takes. But Dude, you need to mend your side of the marriage fence too. Nobody is perfect.

Make a choice and stick with it.


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

So I read her side and turns out i didnt know some of that! Like how she felt guilty after the first time but than did it again. Yes i do have my own **** to deal with and i have she even says so.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Oh sh-t... wifey and hubby on the same forum... brings back memories! LOL! Damn, and I just wrote a reply on HER thread "dont tell him!" But I guess it's a little too late

I really don't know what to say, I see a soldier betrayed and a remorseful woman. This is fked up, who the hell is that prick anyway?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Whoops, sorry, not paying attention >.<!

Disregard my last post


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## Bee85 (Sep 10, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Whoops, sorry, not paying attention >.<!
> 
> Disregard my last post


Im sorry too, I thought you were referring t me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I know this is tough, and it's not the place for jokes
I'll refrain, I didn't mean it badly, I was just hoping to lighten things up a little

I apologise for what it's worth


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

actually shes on another someone sent me the link


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## Bee85 (Sep 10, 2012)

I confessed infidelity to my husband and now - LoveShack.org Community Forums

^ This is her..not me.


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

if ya'll want to see her side the link is on page 2. Though it's seems more like a ***** session about all the "mean" things i do


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

She is in a rotten place. She gets to be the villain...and the only strategy she has is to drag you down too.

I don't know how accurate her side is but I'm betting there's a certain...magnification involved so she doesn't look so bad.

She isn't in control of all of this really. You are.


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

It just makes me mad that she cant really understand what she did. She says she knows it was wrong. But then she say the things i did lead to it. How the hell can she say that i didnt do anything but then say that i did?! Its always about her or she changes my mind to suit her wants.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Yeah. I'm sorry man but your wife is really selfish and the whole

"I cheated but he-

"Yeah I cheated on him but he was


RED FLAG

She is minimizing the sh!t out of it 

She can't even wait 3 words after saying she cheated before she launches into a diatribe detailing another way about how your the big bad boogie man. 

I think you should separate. 

A lot of the times in marriages, we let them define us. 

Have you ever had something you wanted, but then when you lost it you didn't really care as much as you thought you would? 

Sometimes marriage can be like that. 


Life goes on. 

After my long ass depression after dumping my cheating fiance I felt better than ever, and only then realized how much stress I had when I was with her and this was before I knew she was cheating.

Also is that loveshack site serious? That woman's MC is a clear cut affair enabler and I can't believe no one called that out. MC is actually minimizing affair and placing blame at BS's feet, ridiculous. And some of those posters don't know sh!t and are minimizing her role in the heavy lifting.


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## hurt_husband (Sep 6, 2012)

The whole part about her feeling gulity after the first time is really hurting me i didnt know that. she had told me she didnt feel guilty until she saw me when i got home. Though she says she miss wrote i.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I read through her post over there. She doesn't sound remorseful AT ALL. She just wants you to get past it, rug sweep the whole thing and pretend you're ok with it. I know I couldn't stay under those circumstances. I would need her to at least pretend like she regrets what she did. She refuses to accept any responsibility for her actions.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

hurt_husband said:


> The whole part about her feeling gulity after the first time is really hurting me i didnt know that. she had told me she didnt feel guilty until she saw me when i got home. Though she says she miss wrote i.


You absolutely can do an EROD and send her back to the states while you are overseas. 
My background.... my H cheated on me while HE was deployed! Seriously WTF??? Had an A while deployed???? OMG, anyway- we are working on R, it has been 9 months since Dday for me and I still have anger about it. I still have anxiety and now we are overseas as well. What I do know is that I have the choice- if he is not showing TRUE remorse, I am gone. No chances, nothing- I will not be walked on or disrespected. I called the OW after I found out- to let her know that I held her career in my hands and she better be glad that I think better of myself than she did of herself to not go down the vindictive road. 
If she is not showing true remorse, you cannot be secure that she is safeguarding your relationship against it happening again. You do not want to live with that anxiety and stress- I feel it and he is remorseful. So if he wasn't, I cannot imagine how much worse I would feel.
I am not an advocate for D, I believe R is the best course if it can truly happen.
I am sorry you are going through this, but you really are in the drivers seat and you need to decide if her remorse is real.
There are many services overseas- you are not stuck.


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