# Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

'Ghosting:' The 21st-Century Dating Problem Everyone Talks About, But No One Knows How To Deal With

The term "Ghosting" (sometimes known as the "slow fade") refers to the anecdotally pervasive act where one dater ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong. (doesn't matter if they've been going out for months even)..










I was watching Good Morning America & seen this , never heard this term before... I just felt it was deplorable.. cowardice.. lacking balls...dishonorable ...do people really defend this behavior? 

I already know this answer...yes they do!.... And we wonder why so many struggle to communicate these days....







....with each ghosting...this erodes our "Trust" not only in the romantic.. but for common courtesy in the human race... leaving us with a 








....then ....

Your thoughts *?? *.. I just think we should teach our children to not treat others with this little respect.. it's not a blight on someone's character if you aren't compatible, breakups happen... but it IS when you lack common courtesy to treat another who may care about you, had feelings with some dignity...with some "emotional closure"...

I am not speaking of just meeting someone here... as the article laid out...this was after* 3 months* of dating someone, they were together often, parents were met, it appeared to be going well....then hit with the disappearing act..


----------



## pleasecoffee (Jun 18, 2015)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

It's also called fading, and it's the norm. I can't stand it. I think its the cowards way out.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

Social media has helped this along.....get ticked at someone...you just hit a button and defriend them....


----------



## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

Yep, totally normal unfortunately. I was seeing a guy who asked me for more of my time. I finally said I would and poof!!! So I just blocked him altogether since I figured I would not play the game. 

Im not sure what is so hard about I met someone else or I am just unsure and want to take a break that is so difficult.


----------



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

This is very common. I've had it happen to me and I find it incredibly rude and disrespectful. I would think in today's world of emails and texting, its easier than ever to actually break up with someone. If you don't want to do the really courteous act of telling them in person or over the phone, at the very least send them a text with "this just isn't working for me, sorry", or "I've met someone else". Don't just stop responding to the person or block them like they never existed. That ONLY makes sense if they're not taking no for an answer.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

I think ghosting is absolute bullsh!t, and anyone who engages in it is a complete assh0le. I can't believe that anyone thinks this is OK. It just reeks of a lack of empathy and a lack of respect for the other person. It's fine after a date or two, I suppose... "He didn't call or ask me out again, so he's not into me." That's easy to accept and move on. But a RELATIONSHIP? 

TBH, that first meme that you posted absolutely infuriated me.

My first relationship after my divorce... we were together for two months, went exclusive after our second date. I thought we were happy, things were going good. I had met his family. We were talking about the future (not marriage or anything like that, but talking about upcoming holidays, etc...). I was initially nervous about meeting his family so soon, but he said, "What? Why? Do you think we're not going to break up? Because I think we're going to be together for a while." Two months after we started dating, he just disappears. We never officially broke up, and he pops up on the radar every now and again... it p!sses me off. If you don't want to see me anymore, just TELL ME. I'm not a piece of china. I'm not that fragile. Trust me, I've been through way worse. I can handle a break-up. 

This quote from the article hits it right on the head:



> A simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, “Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,” would provide so much more closure. It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days. When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.


And the fact that this is a THING really undermines the integrity of a relationship. How can you trust ANYONE if it's so easy for them to just ghost on a relationship? The more often I get ghosted, the less likely I am to trust the next guy not to do that... and I don't trust easily or let many people in quickly to begin with. The more it happens, the more I think I'm just better off alone, if this is the sh!t out there that I get to deal with.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

I'm not sure how new this is. I was "ghosted" in 1993 after my junior year of college! Back then it was of course easier without cell phones, texting, etc. I agree with @SARAHMCD.....really NO excuse for that in this day and age!


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

I actually don't have a problem with ghosting on someone you've only spoken with via messenger/email/text or only gone out with once or twice. I've never just disappeared on anyone, but I've had it done to me by men I've been out with a time or two. Honestly, I just figure they weren't interested and didn't have the emotional maturity to say so directly. Those are both good things to know, so I count myself lucky to have learned as much so quickly and move on. 

However, I also had a man end a relationship by ghosting. We were in a mutually agreed-to exclusive relationship for 3 months, had been to each other's homes several times, I'd met both of his (late teen/young adult) children and his mother. Then one day we had plans so I texted to confirm what time I should be there, and got no response. There was also no response to my second text, my email, or my call over the course of the rest of the day. In fact, I never heard from him again. I actually did message his oldest daughter the next day to confirm that he hadn't been hit with some sort of injury or illness. He had not, so I had to conclude that this was just his way of breaking up.

To me, that's a very poor and hurtful way to end a relationship. But, again, I think it's good to know as soon as possible that the person you're dating is incapable or unwilling to behave in an adult manner in a relationship. Upon reflection, I feel I was lucky to find out so early on that he wasn't emotionally ready, lacked good communication skills and was apparently pretty darned conflict-avoidant. That's valuable information. Better to have it after 3 months than 3 years.

ETA: The guy who ended our relationship by ghosting was 48. So, this isn't just something that "young people" are doing. You also find it in people who are _certainly_ old enough to know better.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

Although, TBH... I'm considering ghosting two separate guys. I've gone out on one date with each guys (separately), both a few weeks ago. Both guys continue to text me intermittently, imply that they would like to see me again, but neither one has actually made plans to see me again. If they can't get their sh!t together to ask me on a second date, why are they wasting my time--and why should I bother giving them the respect of a "goodbye text"?

I hate dating in the 21st century.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FeministInPink said:


> Although, TBH... I'm considering ghosting two separate guys. I've gone out on one date with each guys (separately), both a few weeks ago. Both guys continue to text me intermittently, imply that they would like to see me again, but neither one has actually made plans to see me again. If they can't get their sh!t together to ask me on a second date, why are they wasting my time--and why should I bother giving them the respect of a "goodbye text"?
> 
> I hate dating in the 21st century.


They're keeping you on the string while they shop for a better option..... What they're doing is the equivalent of asking you to "wait right there" in your seat at the bar while they scope out the place for anyone they'd rather hit on. Just because they pop back over from time to time to make sure you're still on your barstool, does not mean you need to feel any obligation to wait around for them to come back.

I'd just stop responding. IMO, you don't owe them anything.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

Seems silly. It would be so much more satisfying to simply announce you're done out of the blue face to face, turn heel and walk out.


----------



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FeministInPink said:


> And the fact that this is a THING really undermines the integrity of a relationship. How can you trust ANYONE if it's so easy for them to just ghost on a relationship? The more often I get ghosted, the less likely I am to trust the next guy not to do that... and I don't trust easily or let many people in quickly to begin with. The more it happens, the more I think I'm just better off alone, if this is the sh!t out there that I get to deal with.


This is so true. Since I've had someone do this after dating for a month, another after dating for 4 months, I'm now a bit gun-shy for the next one. You're left still holding on thinking you'll hear from them any day...you let a week go by, then another and then another before you give up. And finally have to shrug your shoulders, dust yourself off and start again. How hard is it to send a polite quick text at the very least??? You don't even have to confront these days. 
I can't imagine doing something like that to someone I'd dated just once. If they texted me looking for another date I'd respond with "sorry, I had a nice time but didn't feel the chemistry". Simple.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



LonelyinLove said:


> *Social media has helped this along.....get ticked at someone...you just hit a button and defriend them...*.


It does seem many do this.. in a quick moment... Maybe it's a personality thing..... I've always felt strongly (unless someone is a stalker or dangerous, mentally ill deranged , an uneasiness there)....it's best to be more on the open side to ones intentions, to attempt some communication, to build a bridge or part in as much of a *respectable way* as possible..... even in the harder things.. I much appreciate those who go HERE...and would tell them so..

I'm BIG on if you are going to end a relationship & move on.. you can do it with some grace & emotional closure...over leaving another hanging/ dead silence.. I would take bets on those who live like this ... to be more emotionally stunted , run when the going gets tough...rarely admit their faults.. or say they are sorry.. Yeah.. that's dodging a bullet if they screw us!

It also feeds more into the growing "*Disposable society*" we seem to be living in today.... Taken from this article...

Disposable Relationships? And How to Spot Them!



> What are you saying, we throw people away?
> 
> Yeah. Kinda. The way I see it, relationships have officially become part of our disposable culture: Like diapers, we toss marriages, engagements, friendships, business partnerships, boyfriends, girlfriends, mothers, fathers, children—I’ve even seen Grandmas cut off all ties with their shnuggly little grandbabies. Poof, wad ‘em up, toss ‘em, they are…GONE. What the…?
> 
> All it takes sometimes is one sentence, maybe even one word. Then we take our toys and split. Like little babies. Waaah. We have bred a culture filled with people who don’t know how to stay when they don’t get their way. Folks who haven’t bothered to learn or aren’t capable of learning how to be intimate. Or how to stay! Yes, I have been guilty of this myself. We probably all have; things get hot or don’t go as planned, we leave. The problem is, now that’s the norm, and frankly, if we want to be intimate, there is only one thing to do~ grow up!


 this article speaks of 



> You might recognize some of these inner modern-day archetypes:
> 
> *1)* *The Sociopathippa * ~ You don’t do it for me anymore. Doesn’t matter if you meant what you said or that God heard you say it, “until death do us part.” Or, “I will never leave you.” You simply don’t mean it anymore, too bad for you that you believed me, that is now your problem.
> 
> ...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



SimplyAmorous said:


> I was watching Good Morning America & seen this , never heard this term before... I just felt it was deplorable.. cowardice.. lacking balls...dishonorable ...do people really defend this behavior?
> 
> I already know this answer...yes they do!.... And we wonder why so many struggle to communicate these days....


Agreed SA. Not only do some defend this behavior but I see a lot of people actually advise this tactic (I think even some TAMers but I don't have any specific quotes on hand).

When I was a single guy looking to meet someone nice to spend my time with, both online and in person, there were a few women who either completely refused to engage, or else would engage and suddenly disappear. I don't have the thickest skin, nor do I want to, so I withdrew from the dating game with a shred of my dignity still intact. And yet I was still able to find an attractive relationship partner - my point being that many are missing out on meeting quality people because this method of interaction is generally accepted.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



SecondTime'Round said:


> *I'm not sure how new this is. I was "ghosted" in 1993 after my junior year of college! Back then it was of course easier without cell phones, texting, etc. I agree with @SARAHMCD.....really NO excuse for that in this day and age!*


Yes, it's always been around...though such behavior would have been looked down upon more so..can I say "shameful"...Low class !..it speaks volumes that it's grown just plain "acceptable" today by MANY...why I wanted to do this thread.. 

Taken from this.. Why Are We All Ghosting Each Other When the Alternative Is So Simple? 



> Even via text, letting someone down is still awkward, which makes ghosting so appealing — especially as it becomes more acceptable. A YouGov/HuffPost poll found that over 10% of people have ghosted or been ghosted by someone else. As our dating lives become more virtual, it becomes easier to dismiss someone from a distance without considering them as a real-life, breathing human.
> 
> "I have stopped feeling feelings," Tyler, 27, from New York, half-joked. "I just understand that [ghosting] comes with the territory of most dating communication being over text. Sadly, I do it constantly ... I don't feel bad anymore due to the fact that it has happened to me a number of times."


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Rowan said:


> They're keeping you on the string while they shop for a better option..... What they're doing is the equivalent of asking you to "wait right there" in your seat at the bar while they scope out the place for anyone they'd rather hit on. Just because they pop back over from time to time to make sure you're still on your barstool, does not mean you need to feel any obligation to wait around for them to come back.
> 
> I'd just stop responding. IMO, you don't owe them anything.


This is what I'm thinking.

ETA: My problem is that I'm too fvcking polite. If someone texts me, I feel obligated to text back, because I'm just that polite. I need to let go of that.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Lon said:


> Agreed SA. Not only do some defend this behavior but I see a lot of people actually advise this tactic (I think even some TAMers but I don't have any specific quotes on hand).
> 
> When I was a single guy looking to meet someone nice to spend my time with, both online and in person, *there were a few women who either completely refused to engage, or else would engage and suddenly disappea*r. I don't have the thickest skin, nor do I want to, so I withdrew from the dating game with a shred of my dignity still intact. And yet I was still able to find an attractive relationship partner - my point being that many are missing out on meeting quality people because this method of interaction is generally accepted.


I love it when I get a message from a guy in an OLD app/site, I respond, and then I never hear from him.

Fun times.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FeministInPink said:


> Although, TBH... I'm considering ghosting two separate guys. I've gone out on one date with each guys (separately), both a few weeks ago. Both guys continue to text me intermittently, imply that they would like to see me again, but neither one has actually made plans to see me again. If they can't get their sh!t together to ask me on a second date, why are they wasting my time--and why should I bother giving them the respect of a "goodbye text"?
> 
> I hate dating in the 21st century.


I hear ya. Had dinner with a woman. She expressed interest in getting together again. Later I invited her out. She said she had tentative plans and would get back to me before the outing. She didn't. Few days later she hit me up again but with request to help her build a website. 

No problem "ghosting" there. Have no desire to mix dating with business. Especially not after a lack of follow through on getting back to me. Doesn't seem like a reliable date, nor a reliable client. 

But after one outing, is it really "ghosting"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

The old fashioned kind of "ghosting" would be to screen your calls. Another popular break-up technique today is texting a break-up message. Or just change your status to "single" on facebook. Have people gotten more cowardly, rude, or both?


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Please don't judge me:

Back (many many many moons ago) when I was young and single, the way I dealt with relationships? I was upfront from the beginning, I would tell her, I'm not interested in committed relationship, no bf-gf commitments. If she wanted to hang out, get our funk on, etc this was just to have fun, then all was cool otherwise she may want to look for someone else. I was as the song would suggest a "rolling stone", never allowing moss to grow. 

So, I don't know if this was ghosting since, they all knew from the beginning the deal. Maybe it is more about the lack of communication. It's like how does one tell another person how you feel (intimately) or break up via text. This seems no different to me... Personal communication skills, that is what appears at the root in my opinion. 

Epilogue: I have grown a lot since then and now in my 21st year of a committed marriage relationship and no regrets.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> I wouldn't say I advise it but I understand it up to a point, especially with online dating and online chatting.
> 
> Mostly because I don't feel like there is (or should be) a whole lot of investment in chatting online through a dating service.
> 
> ...


An investment of "hi" justifies the grace of a "goodbye"


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



scatty said:


> The old fashioned kind of "ghosting" would be to screen your calls. Another popular break-up technique today is texting a break-up message. Or just change your status to "single" on facebook. Have people gotten more cowardly, rude, or both?


Texting "it's over" or "don't expect any more communication from me" or "PFO" is all fine and dandy. If you don't do the courtesy of informing the person on the other end that you are over and out, then don't complain about "stalkerish" or persistent behaviors from those who didn't get the hint.

Screening phone calls only breaks one direction in the line of communication, and changing your relationship status on FB could have all kinds of cryptic meanings.

Yes I think society has gotten more cowardly (evading social responsibilities) and rude (leaving others hanging) but only because we've all mutually consented to accept it.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> For me, "hi" is not an investment.


then "goodbye" shouldn't be difficult.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Ikaika said:


> Please don't judge me:
> 
> Back (many many many moons ago) when I was young and single, the way I dealt with relationships? I was upfront from the beginning, I would tell her, I'm not interested in committed relationship, no bf-gf commitments. If she wanted to hang out, get our funk on, etc this was just to have fun, then all was cool otherwise she may want to look for someone else. I was as the song would suggest a "rolling stone", never allowing moss to grow.
> 
> ...


That wasn't ghosting unless you were deliberately going out of your way to avoid contact. Lack of "communication" in the content form isn't the issue, it's the lack of two-way protocol. Many people refuse to acknowledge that being in public necessitates two-way protocol, but it does even with random strangers walking the other direction down the sidewalk.


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Lon said:


> That wasn't ghosting unless you were deliberately going out of your way to avoid contact. Lack of "communication" in the content form isn't the issue, it's the lack of two-way protocol. Many people refuse to acknowledge that being in public necessitates two-way protocol, but it does even with random strangers walking the other direction down the sidewalk.



My only deliberation was to clearly communicate from the beginning. I'm a face to face person, I don't do as well with ancillary communication, which is exactly why I get lost on TAM so easily.

ETA: if I were single, I don't think I would do well with online dating... I have to meet someone in person. Too old school.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

I prefer things to be clear - whether it's me deciding not to continue, or them. However, if we haven't gone beyond a first meeting or two, I'm not surprised if they disappear, but still think it's poor manners. After that, I think it's very rude - a text or email would suffice to end things cleanly. If we'd been actually dating, then a face to face break is better, IMO. If we've never met, I don't care and don't expect anything - many people have simply stopped writing, and I've probably done the same early in some exchanges.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FeministInPink said:


> This is what I'm thinking.
> 
> ETA:* My problem is that I'm too fvcking polite. If someone texts me, I feel obligated to text back, because I'm just that polite. I need to let go of that*.


I wouldn't let go of this.. if you liked them.. reply.. don't feel bad about this.. even if you get rejected.. I know it's hard.. but you did nothing wrong.. you should hold your head high.. I prefer Polite people.. we need more of a Polite world... we don't need more cold callous people running around who blow people off.. 

I will not allow what others find acceptable to sway what is right & wrong.... I think we need more stubborn people to do the right thing.. against the wind... 

Down the road... when you meet someone who appreciates that you are there, answering , you can be counted on... they will think ever higher of you ..as you stand out... you're not like the rest that come a dime a dozen, ghosting them on a whim.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FeministInPink said:


> Both guys continue to text me intermittently, imply that they would like to see me again, but neither one has actually made plans to see me again. If they can't get their sh!t together to ask me on a second date, why are they wasting my time


So question for you or any of the other ladies on this thread... I apologize but I'm confused by what exactly do you consider "ghosting"?

A) You're communicating with a guy and he stops communicating back with you? Like you ask to make plans and you get the run around or excuses why he's busy; OR

B) You're communicating with a guy but he won't ask you out again and you simply refuse to ask him so in your mind you're being strung along because he still talks to you?

I'm going to be honest, if I dated a girl for a month and I had to continue to ask her out all the time and she never made any attempt to make plans with me, I'd assume she just wasn't that into me or I was just being used for a free entertainment and I'd probably blow her off too. 

I get society dictates that the man is supposed to initially pursue the woman. Nonsense but fine, that's how it is. However, after a while it wears thin with me. I have better things to do then to chase people around. 

I think after 2-3 dates you do owe the person a proper explanation and dating someone for months, meeting their parents then never bothering to go out again is pretty sh!tty. Sounds like he's just looking to set himself up for a steady booty call. If the breakup wasn't official, I'd make it official...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Ikaika said:


> Please don't judge me:
> 
> Back (many many many moons ago) when I was young and single, the way I dealt with relationships? I was upfront from the beginning, I would tell her, I'm not interested in committed relationship, no bf-gf commitments. If she wanted to hang out, get our funk on, etc this was just to have fun, then all was cool otherwise she may want to look for someone else. I was as the song would suggest a "rolling stone", never allowing moss to grow.
> 
> So, I don't know if this was ghosting since, they all knew from the beginning the deal.


 I have MUCH MORE RESPECT from those who do What you did than panderers who say what women want to hear to pull a girl in & string her along knowing full well they have ZERO intentions to build a relationship.. this allows your prospects to know the deal ...and agree or walk away...seeking more of what she desires ...

All good ! ... I wouldn't be rolling with these types but I would tell them I LOVE the honesty! I mean that.


----------



## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

It happened to me a few times when I was dating and it really irritated me. 

I would have appreciated a simple text message, something along the lines of 'Hey, this isn't working for me, I wish you all the best'. At least that would have shown some respect.

It irritated me because it meant I wasted my time waiting for someone to get back in touch when I could have moved on and dated someone else. 

Also I didn't like what it implied, I felt that the men who ghosted me were afraid that I would react in a really negative way if they openly rejected me. I always wanted to tell them that I was a big girl and they were not that big of a deal!


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Somanylemons said:


> It happened to me a few times when I was dating and it really irritated me.
> 
> I would have appreciated a simple text message, something along the lines of 'Hey, this isn't working for me, I wish you all the best'. At least that would have shown some respect.
> 
> ...


Well it is true that if you show respect and end it actively and formally with someone who wasnt ready to end it yet, there will be a negative response. It is never easy but at least it's absolute and if you bump into them somewhere you won't feel any shame or the need to hide from them or be coerced to give then an explanation why you cut them from your life. Ghosting doesn't make for a clean break.


----------



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> Also, I gotta say being thought of as cold or a bad person was pretty much the least of my problems.
> 
> Safety and peace of mind (my own mind) is paramount.


So you are saying if the person is, let's say, unstable, they did better with you simply "disappearing" then if you texted or emailed them to say "not working out, sorry". I find that hard to believe. I mean, at that point, if they blow up your phone, then ignore them or block them. I would imagine the "unstable" person would be doing that anyways by you ghosting.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> Also, I gotta say being thought of as cold or a bad person was pretty much the least of my problems.
> 
> Safety and peace of mind (my own mind) is paramount.


How does ghosting provide any more or less safety or peace of mind than a simple "farewell" text message?

Also I'm curious, have you ever bumped into somebody whom you've ghosted before? If so, wasn't it awkward?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> For me, "hi" is not an investment.


Certainly doesn't have to be but being the technological age that we are in some form of acknowledgement would be nice.  If someone walked by you and you said hi and they ignored you wouldn't you think that is rude? I would. True for you this might not be an investiment but for the other person it could possibly be. Doesn't mean you owe them anything, no one is owed Curtosy, just think it's kinda the right thing to do.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> I had much better success for unstable persons with ghosting than giving explanations, yes.
> 
> The explanation is an opening which often lead to the blowing up of phone and other unsavory behaviors.
> 
> Ghosting (which does include blocking) meant not getting the blow ups at all.


Who said you have to give them an explanation though?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

Unfortunately I think everyone who has online dated has experienced this once or more. Early on it can be just a head shaker but you chalk it up to they, the other person, found something better or got turned off or whatever, you shake your head and move on. But some people will ghost to end relationships which is just astounding to me. One thing in my opinion that has not improved with technology is common Curtosy. Just can't understand why anyone wouldn't take the 10 seconds to to say Hey don't think this is going to work out, not feeling it, good luck to you bye. I've done it before. Easy enough. Had it done to me before, my response was always thanks for being honest and good luck back.

Simple


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Somanylemons said:


> It happened to me a few times when I was dating and it really irritated me.
> 
> I would have appreciated a simple text message, something along the lines of 'Hey, this isn't working for me, I wish you all the best'. At least that would have shown some respect.
> 
> ...


Adding the part where they were NO BIG DEAL.. is clearly trying to get back at them... I can see being hurt, it's not easy to feel rejected (I watched the Bachelorette last night.. "Cupcake" breaking down by the cliff)...








... but having to get a shot in to hurt them back for their honesty.. many want to avoid *the drama* it invites..

They understand some will come back swinging in some fashion..


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



BetrayedDad said:


> So question for you or any of the other ladies on this thread... I apologize but I'm confused by what exactly do you consider "ghosting"?
> 
> A) You're communicating with a guy and he stops communicating back with you? Like you ask to make plans and you get the run around or excuses why he's busy; OR
> 
> ...


A) This is ghosting. Either they just stop communicating and disappear altogether (completely out of the blue-like); or they make excuses why they can't see you, and the time gap between communications/contact gets longer and longer, until they just stop altogether. And then maybe they block you on Facebook/cell phone/Tinder/whatever.

B) This is not ghosting, this is just a guy stringing you along because he considers you an option. I think you're referring to my post here, yeah? I brought this up not because this behavior is ghosting on the guy's part; I brought it up because *I'm considering ghosting them *because they're both being tools. Even though I think ghosting in general is pretty heinous, I think these two dudes kind of deserve it. (Although part of me wants to tell at least the one guy--who's been texting me more, who I've tried to make plans with twice--that I'm blowing him off and why. But I'm not sure I want to get into it.)

If she's into you, you won't really need to "chase" her around. You ask her out again, and she'll say yes. Even before you ask her out, she'll be giving you cues that she wants to see you again. And from a woman's point of view, it's oft repeated that if we have to pursue a man--if he's not pursuing her--then he's not really into her, and the woman pursuing the man depreciates her social capital, making her worth less in his eyes.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Wolf1974 said:


> Unfortunately I think everyone who has online dated has experienced this once or more. Early on it can be just a head shaker but you chalk it up to they, the other person, found something better or got turned off or whatever, you shake your head and move on. But some people will ghost to end relationships which is just astounding to me. One thing in my opinion that has not improved with technology is common Curtosy. Just can't understand why anyone wouldn't take the 10 seconds to to say Hey don't think this is going to work out, not feeling it, good luck to you bye. I've done it before. Easy enough. Had it done to me before, my response was always thanks for being honest and good luck back.
> 
> Simple


You are discovering that many people indeed can't handle the truth.

I know when my brother was online dating, many profiles had no photos, but if any girls messaged him after a few written exchanges photos were revealed, and if he was not attracted he would bluntly but politely let them know she wasn't his type. They would demand an explanation and get offended. In the end it saved everyone time and prevented wasteful emotional investments, but they sure would get angry. The funny thing is his type isn't the thin, barbie doll ones, he is attracted to the tougher, thicker, meaner looking girls.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FeministInPink said:


> I brought this up not because this behavior is ghosting on the guy's part; I brought it up because *I'm considering ghosting them *because they're both being tools. Even though I think ghosting in general is pretty heinous, I think these two dudes kind of deserve it.


Thank you for the clarification.... That makes more sense to me. I misunderstood your post.



FeministInPink said:


> And from a woman's point of view, it's oft repeated that if we have to pursue a man--if he's not pursuing her--then he's not really into her, and the woman pursuing the man depreciates her social capital, making her worth less in his eyes.


Speaking as a man yes and no. Depends on your definition of pursue. If pursue means throw yourself sexually at a man in an attempt to keep him then yes that is the perception for some. The insinuation being that she is easy to attain or more bluntly cheap which obviously doesn't hold much value from a capital standpoint.

However, simply showing interest and asking the man out is a far cry from that and most reasonable men would enjoy a direct approach occasionally rather than have to rely on constant cueing to determine reciprocated interest (We are not known to be the most observant gender.) Perhaps flattered even that she is so into him. 

Like much else in life. Everything in moderation.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



BetrayedDad said:


> Thank you for the clarification.... That makes more sense to me. I misunderstood your post.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If I take a woman out a couple times, and pay, I don't expect sex. But I expect her to at least throw out an invite or idea for a date. 

If she tries to jump my bones immediately I'll lose respect for her. If she reciprocates courting, I'll gain respect for her. 

If she doesn't reciprocate in some way, she may as well ghost me. As the end result will be the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

This has been going on for a long time. I remember both genders doing this decades ago. Nothing new.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

This behaviour is much more common in larger cities than in rural areas SA


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes, it's always been around...though such behavior would have been looked down upon more so..can I say "shameful"...Low class !..it speaks volumes that it's grown just plain "acceptable" today by MANY...why I wanted to do this thread..


"Low class" could describe so much of people's social interactions these days that I think common courtesy isn't just not practiced, but not even understood by many. People aren't making conscious decisions to be rude, they simply have no idea how not to be. The idea that you could suffer a little discomfort for the greater good is a foreign concept. That's how bad it is now imo.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



EleGirl said:


> This has been going on for a long time. I remember both genders doing this decades ago. Nothing new.



Yep, it's funny to me how today's generation of young people think they invented this or just discovered it. It's been going on for generations, or at least since the advent of modern dating.

If you didn't have anything more than a date or two, I'm not sure if you owe the other person an explanation. Sure it would be courteous but also hurtful for the other person to know, especially via text, that they weren't really interested in you, didn't feel any chemistry with you, or met somebody else....meaning someone they prefer to you. I mean really, who wants to hear that? Yes, you have closure but likely hurt feelings as well. I'd rather the person just disappear after a date or two if not interested.

Dating beyond that and just disappearing, is just cowardice. Back in my day, meaning anyone born prior to 1970, there were no cell phones or any technology to contact people. I've ghosted people accidentally because I lost their phone number and well, you pretty much had no way to get a hold of them after that, unless you'd been to their apartment or home and knew where they lived.

My wife used to screen her calls when answering machines became available but before that, she just may not answer the phone for a week if there was a guy she was trying to avoid. Becoming less available or completely unavailable in the hopes that the other person would get the hint has been around for as long as I can remember.

I can't imagine having any kind of relationship where facebook and texting were part of the communication. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way. It's either face to face or phone calls for me. I have a hard time understanding how you could have a relationship without those things.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FeministInPink said:


> If she's into you, you won't really need to "chase" her around. You ask her out again, and she'll say yes. Even before you ask her out, she'll be giving you cues that she wants to see you again. And from a woman's point of view, it's oft repeated that if we have to pursue a man--if he's not pursuing her--then he's not really into her, and the woman pursuing the man depreciates her social capital, making her worth less in his eyes.


I agree. It seems to me that a female is more easily influenced to feel attraction for a male with a little time, but if the male doesn't feel it straight away for the female, a potential relationship is dead in the water. So it's just easier if men make the choice first. Then they don't like to feel like they're been pushed into anything.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



breeze said:


> I agree. It seems to me that a female is more easily influenced to feel attraction for a male with a little time, but if the male doesn't feel it straight away for the female, a potential relationship is dead in the water. So it's just easier if men make the choice first. Then they don't like to feel like they're been pushed into anything.



This is exactly right, Breeze. I think we've all heard a woman say, "he kind of grew on me" but I don't recall ever hearing a man say that about a woman. 

Men are very visual and either the attraction is there from the start or it isn't. That's not to say that a man can't become even more attracted to a woman over time, he absolutely can, but the initial attraction has to be there.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



RandomDude said:


> *This behaviour is much more common in larger cities than in rural areas SA*


Oh I surely believe that one...as you have probably caught some of my posts...I just don't care for the city..would kick & scream if I had to live there..



breeze said:


> *I agree. It seems to me that a female is more easily influenced to feel attraction for a male with a little time, but if the male doesn't feel it straight away for the female, a potential relationship is dead in the water. So it's just easier if men make the choice first*. Then they don't like to feel like they're been pushed into anything.





Mostlycontent said:


> This is exactly right, Breeze. * I think we've all heard a woman say, "he kind of grew on me" but I don't recall ever hearing a man say that about a woman. *
> 
> *Men are very visual and either the attraction is there from the start or it isn't. That's not to say that a man can't become even more attracted to a woman over time, he absolutely can, but the initial attraction has to be there.*


Well you know others would call this old fashioned thinking.. but I agree with you both... 

I feel the man should initially pursue...but women should be careful to not play games after this, wasting their time..

I've been in the room over hearing how our sons / their friends talk about girls following them around, texting them that they were't interested in...from what I have seen.. it's not something that changes...


----------



## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Adding the part where they were NO BIG DEAL.. is clearly trying to get back at them... I can see being hurt, it's not easy to feel rejected (I watched the Bachelorette last night.. "Cupcake" breaking down by the cliff)...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I expressed myself poorly, I didn't really mean it like that. I never actually said that to someone.

What I meant was these were just people that I'd been on maybe two dates with. There wasn't a strong enough emotional attachment between us for them no longer wanting to see me to be that big of a deal and I just hadn't had enough contact with them for them to be that significant in my life. You just can't get _that_ upset about someone you've been on a few dates with.

The ironic thing is that it was the practice of ghosting me that made me have a low opinion of these particular men. If they had simply called it off I would have accepted it and felt differently. 

In a similar vein when I was dating, if a man messaged me I would always try to reply even if it was just to say politely that I wasn't interested. I got I think at least two replies from men thanking me for letting them know and that they appreciated getting that response because it was better then just being ignored.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Mostlycontent said:


> If you didn't have anything more than a date or two, I'm not sure if you owe the other person an explanation. Sure it would be courteous but also hurtful for the other person to know, especially via text, that they weren't really interested in you, didn't feel any chemistry with you, or met somebody else....meaning someone they prefer to you. I mean really, who wants to hear that? Yes, you have closure but likely hurt feelings as well. I'd rather the person just disappear after a date or two if not interested.


 this is also why it's not wise to be having sex on the 1st or 2nd date ...though I know many won't agree with that & think it's great......I mean.. jeez.. exchanging bodily fluids but not worth an explanation.. I can't fit those in the same box of thinking..


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> For crazy, Sorry it won't work out is an opening. You've probably experienced this, actually. People who are not stable will use anything and everything as an opening to get to you. I don't like giving them that opening.


Instead of:
him: hey sexy, whaddya say you come on over and we'll crack open a new jug of vaseline
you: {block}

(ok not the best situation to be courteous in, I'd actually recommend you block that immediately, unless of course you are into that sort of thing, in which case I'd advise coconut oil for whatever it is he had in mind)

it would go:
him: Hi Frenchie, I thought we hit it off and I'd like to take you out this weekend
you: Thanks but I wasn't feeling it
him: oh you like to "feel it" do ya wink wink
you: {block}

Again another possibly bad example, but in the chance that he was actually a decent guy atleast you give him the benefit of the doubt while still not giving him "anything to latch onto", and if he wasn't crazy you may not even need to block him.

I don't see how it is that much more effort to be gracious and I personally believe karma would look kindly to that.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Somanylemons said:


> *I expressed myself poorly, I didn't really mean it like that. I never actually said that to someone.*
> 
> What I meant was these were just people that I'd been on maybe two dates with. *There wasn't a strong enough emotional attachment between us for them no longer wanting to see me to be that big of a deal and I just hadn't had enough contact with them for them to be that significant in my life. You just can't get that upset about someone you've been on a few dates with.*


 makes sense... putting your post completely aside ....which really I was running with another side to this.... some wouldn't handle rejection well & want to get a stab in - to make themselves feel better.



> In a similar vein when I was dating, if a man messaged me I would always try to reply even if it was just to say politely that I wasn't interested.* I got I think at least two replies from men thanking me for letting them know and that they appreciated getting that response because it was better then just being ignored*.


I would think highly of the men who responded like this.. telling myself ..at least they had one thing going for them...communication skills.. those replies speak they appreciate honesty.. I couldn't handle the types that would frown on that..we'd not be compatible -- like at all.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

What's all this calling people cowards in these situations.

I can think of 2 sceanrios in which one should withold judgement:

1. I tried breaking up with a guy and explained to him in detail why. He wanted to move in with me and then he wanted to accept a job that would have cut his earning by 50%. I never offered that he could move in with me. And he wanted to leave the job he had for one that paid less. I told if he was going to make those kinds of decisions that he needed to do thme on his own. Not with me. And I certainly was not going to be around so that he could blame me for what I felt were bad decisions.

HE of course called and e-mailed me over several weeks saying that I had not explained to him exactly why I wanted to break up.

SO imagine if he were telling you what a b!tch I am for breaking up with him and not explaining why.......

2. The second scenario entails how my (future)husband dumped his "just a friend" ex. He offered to me that he would write her an NC e-mail or call her while I was in the room. Given how in your face she is, I didn't want to hear her say"well, who gives a rat's a$$" or whatever the current expressions are.

So I told him to do nothing. Then her boyfriend sent my (future) huisband a rather late in the day b-day invite. (the same day). And she texted him at 11pm (closing time for the pub they were at) verbatim "why didn't you come?" He texted her back the next day "I was at the beach with my girlfriend. Why do you ask?" Which she took literally and responded ion 30 minutes "umm, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to round up my friends in honor of my birthday. that's why I ask. "

So 2 weeks go by and she texted him again trying to interest him in going to a music festival with her. She called him obnoxious "for the way he handled her birthday." And then asked " can't we be friends or at least friendly?" My (future husband) asked me how would I like for him to respond to this? I said well, it seems like she likes having the last word. So let's let her have it.

So I say, if you are dealing someone who
1. can't take no for answer
or
2. always has to have the last word.

All I can say is they deserve whatever they F--CKING get. Those two types are the real cowards.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> Percentages for me returning a random Hi on the street
> 
> 60% chance, it will be a simple Hi back.
> 
> ...


Ahh I gotcha

Well guess we are just different. I look at that same 15% and say I won't allow those to determine who I am or how I act.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



FrenchFry said:


> I wouldn't consider either of those ghosting personally. Both are examples of fishing. With fishing, sometimes you get a bite and sometimes you don't. With both examples, I might add.
> 
> As a fish, I don't feel the need to nibble every line. As a fisher, I don't get upset when the fishes don't bite.
> 
> ...


That's a really good analogy


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



NextTimeAround said:


> What's all this calling people cowards in these situations.
> 
> I can think of 2 sceanrios in which one should withold judgement:
> 
> ...


Those examples are not ghosting. They are both just examples of messy breaks.

The concept of "ghosting" is that you stop all effort and don't give a fck what they care.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Lon said:


> You are discovering that many people indeed can't handle the truth.
> 
> I know when my brother was online dating, many profiles had no photos, but if any girls messaged him after a few written exchanges photos were revealed, and if he was not attracted he would bluntly but politely let them know she wasn't his type. *They would demand an explanation and get offended. *In the end it saved everyone time and prevented wasteful emotional investments, but they sure would get angry. The funny thing is his type isn't the thin, barbie doll ones, he is attracted to the tougher, thicker, meaner looking girls.


Now for this.. I can understand the need for some Ghosting !


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

I don't care if someone disappears. It means they aren't interested in pursuing things anymore, and what more is there to say? I also think that the person who does it is losing out on a chance to practice communication -- and perhaps cheating himself of a chance to improve how he handles conflict--but as for my end, meh. No big deal.

I would not do this to someone, because I am no longer conflict-avoidant, and I've gotten good at setting boundaries, etc., and would say what I decided needed to be said, and no more. I'm pretty sure the guy would know why I was ending things, so I would only need to let him know I was moving on.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

So which gender engages in 'ghosting' the most?

Men - not real men anymore so cannot be direct, so just fade like a coward?

Women - find it hard to let someone down because nice girls don't do that so fade like a coward?


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

Wow, "coward" is being thrown around a lot. 

Doesn't that assume it's only done out of fear? Even if it's always inconsiderate, does inconsiderate always equal fear?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



zillard said:


> Wow, "coward" is being thrown around a lot.
> 
> Doesn't that assume it's only done out of fear? Even if it's always inconsiderate, does inconsiderate always equal fear?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not think it's always done out of fear ...If I weighed it on a scale even...I'd think more just do it cause it's easier...has become common place.. they don't have much of a conscience or care to how it may hurt the other person... they purposely block this out.. they possess more of a "Disposable mindset"...probably met someone new while they were with this person.. kept it a secret...I'd even bet the majority who do this have cheated in one way or another...so they just drop them like a hot potato ...on to the next sucker..

Again...its dodging a bullet when someone LIKE THIS walks out of your life... 

I just can not look upon someone like that as a decent caring person......after emotions were exchanged, you spoke of exclusivity/ feelings, plans , laughed together....probably slept with each other... met children, parents, etc. 

Be an upstanding Man or woman & show some dignity with this person you shared some of your life with.. there is no shame in realizing you are not compatible with someone , giving a little explanation...and need to move on, it being the best for both.. even if they can't see it... difficult as it may be... but to end things leaving one hanging in dead silence like they fell off the face of the earth... it's very cold, ugly , callous.. class less ..

But yeah...in the same breathe.. Good riddance baby!


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



zillard said:


> Wow, "coward" is being thrown around a lot.
> 
> Doesn't that assume it's only done out of fear? Even if it's always inconsiderate, does inconsiderate always equal fear?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't use the word coward. I don't know why any fear would be associated. Rude and inconsiderate are the only two words I associate with it but not coward.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Wolf1974 said:


> I wouldn't use the word coward. I don't know why any fear would be associated. Rude and inconsiderate are the only two words I associate with it but not coward.


Certainly could be fear based in some cases though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



zillard said:


> Certainly could be fear based in some cases though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure and that's what you hear as an excuse very often down in the life after divorce section when we talk about online dating. I think everyone has had the guy or gal that you tell you're not interested blow up at you. Some people this doesn't bother, some take it way to much to heart and some do become fearful. If you know you take it to heart or it makes you fearful you can always text someone and say "hey not interested" then block them. Least then they have the information but you don't need to worry about the fallout right? Hell I have had to block more than one woman who blew up at me when I told her I wasn't interested. That's just part of how it goes. But least I did tell them so they weren't left wondering.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



zillard said:


> Wow, "coward" is being thrown around a lot.
> 
> Doesn't that assume it's only done out of fear? Even if it's always inconsiderate, does inconsiderate always equal fear?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I wouldn't use the word, "coward" all the time either. Some people are very sensitive to other's feelings and really don't want to hurt them. They would rather avoid them instead of having to have a difficult discussion and hurting them. I think that is fear based but it's not for inconsiderate reasons. 

My wife was more like this. She really hated hurting a guy's feelings or crushing his confidence. She was way more likely to just become less available or almost completely unavailable in the hopes that the guy would just give up on her on his own. That way you don't have to have a difficult discussion with them.

I'll say this, prior to getting married, I've had to communicate my feelings to three separate girls that I just wasn't that interested in. I've had the "I just don't see you as anything more than a friend", I really don't feel that way about you", "I've met someone else", or words to that effect and let me tell you, all of them were hurt and it was very hard to do.

I'm not suggesting "ghosting" is the correct course of action but I certainly understand why people do it.

Sometimes being honest and even diplomatic with someone is still incredibly hard. I've heard stunned silence on the other end or even crying. It really sucked. Only one of those three girls did I date longer than 2 months and she fell in love with me, even though it was just casual, or so I thought anyway. 

The truth is that these are not easy conversations to have and even if you're incredibly sensitive and polite, it's still very hurtful for the other person. Sometimes I think maybe it isn't such a bad thing to disappear and let them view you as the villain. They could imagine all the reasons why you did such a dirtbag thing. Seems like they could save face that way and their ego doesn't take a beating. 

Oh and I'm not talking about someone you've only gone out with once or even twice, I'm not sure you owe them much of an explanation, unless of course you slept together, but then that opens another whole can of worms.

Like most things in life, I suppose the truly correct answer might be that "it depends". :smile2:


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*

I personally feel a lot better about myself if a woman hated me because I of something I said or did versus for leaving her hanging, because ultimately there is nothing immoral or wrong about ending a relationship with someone you no longer can sustain a relationship with.

The hurt of being dumped stings just as much either way, ghosting someone doesn't spare them that pain, it just lets the dumper not have to witness it. And for some people like me, being ghosted on top of dumped is humiliating, it crushes my confidence and bruises my ego a lot more than honesty does, every time, even if it's only one or two dates because agreeing to a date is an indicator of interest and therefore any expectation of future contact is reasonable.

Ghosting someone only affirms that indeed they are right to villainize you.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Dating today.. is this the new socially accepted break up ..."GHOSTING" ??*



Mostlycontent said:


> I wouldn't use the word, "coward" all the time either. Some people are very sensitive to other's feelings and really don't want to hurt them. They would rather avoid them instead of having to have a difficult discussion and hurting them. I think that is fear based but it's not for inconsiderate reasons.
> 
> *My wife was more like this. She really hated hurting a guy's feelings or crushing his confidence. She was way more likely to just become less available or almost completely unavailable in the hopes that the guy would just give up on her on his own. That way you don't have to have a difficult discussion with them.*


 I think it comes down to personalities & how we are wired... I've met plenty of women LIKE YOUR WIFE.. I am not one of them.. I consider myself sensitive but I feel so strongly on being upfront & honest ...communication makes or breaks our relationships.. not leading someone on.. releasing them when it's OVER.....even encouraging them to find someone GOOD FOR THEM...

I also am one who is MORE COMFORTED BY SOMEONE COMING TO ME TO TALK IT OUT.. allowing my tears ... over someone just disappearing- that would Piss me off, and hurt me FAR WORSE.... that's my opinion. I would have all kinds of unanswered questions, and take it more personally... really.. not even worth a [email protected]#$ 

Frankly I witnessed a relative of my H's do this to a Girlfriend.... well.. not ghosting but after dating this person for YEARS... he broke up in a TEXT message.. then blocked her.. no answers to anything..everyone in the family LOVED HER.... she wrote all the relatives a letter to what happened, she was blindsided .. Granted.. he moved to another state.. it would have been difficult to maintain the relationship.. But still.. no closure for her.. she had to eat it..alone....

What we came to learn was.. he had another woman -of course! He should have let her go / severed it when he met that chick.. not after they were established... I suppose he gets a STAR for sending a TEXT .. over falling off the face of the earth. A-hole comes to mind. 



> I'll say this, prior to getting married, I've had to communicate my feelings to three separate girls that I just wasn't that interested in. I've had the "I just don't see you as anything more than a friend", I really don't feel that way about you", "I've met someone else", or words to that effect and let me tell you, all of them were hurt and it was very hard to do.
> 
> *I'm not suggesting "ghosting" is the correct course of action but I certainly understand why people do it*.


 Here is what I think.. the subject itself is worth a discussion IN DATING.. as to learn how the other person is likely to handle such situations...or would want them handled...given their personality- if it all goes sour.... I would open that up on getting to know someone .. and let them know HOW MUCH being honest would mean to me -*NOT leaving me hanging*.. 

Whereas another woman may PREFER TO NOT hear all that.. 
This may be similar to some who'd rather NOT know if a spouse had an infidelity way back.. 40 yrs pass.. why bring it up now! .. but another would want to KNOW -no matter what.. different personalities again. I want the good , the bad & the ugly..... I think I could talk myself out of feeling like a total looser and focus more on - just not being compatible with someone...as this is so very common ...and I'm rather particular myself- with many deal breakers, I could hardly blame another. 

When I speak on this.. I am envisioning decent people in mind.. not someone that treated us poorly or a Jerk...as when you don't have much respect for someone, it would be easier to GHOST THEM ...so I feel.. 



> *Sometimes being honest and even diplomatic with someone is still incredibly hard. I've heard stunned silence on the other end or even crying. It really sucked. Only one of those three girls did I date longer than 2 months and she fell in love with me, even though it was just casual, or so I thought anyway. *


 some go in wanting to be able to handle casual.. but emotions enter in... it happens.. it can never be predicted.. Getting intimate with another always invites this possibility.. it can get messy.. in more ways than one!


----------

