# Crying and when will it stop?



## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

It has been 3 weeks since I was told to leave and that she wanted a divorce, I have decided to accept this and not dwell on the shoulda, woulda, coulda's and concentrate on myself like everyone has been saying I should do. I dont even know where to start, I have an appointment with my therapist tuesday and maybe she will have some idea.
A friend recommended guided meditation and I tried but cant seem to get into it and just seems to be a waste of time. I have been exercising and have lost 20 more lbs since leaving, for a total of 45 over the last 5 months, which has helped me feel better physically but is doing nothing for me emotionally or helping my mood. I feel like a train wreck. 
My biggest problem is I miss her so much and she doesnt seem to be affected by my absence, I dont think it would be any easier though if she was.
I get to see the kids only a little and when I do I leave feeling empty and sad. They have all been such a big part of my life and to have it taken away hurts in ways I never thought possible.
Even though I have decided to work on myself I am still sitting here crying as type, feeling sorry for myself when I know I shouldn't.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

I feel your pain. I am 5 months out of my home now, and I still am having a hard time moving on emotionally. I still cry daily, and often multiple times. You need to try to occupy your mind with something else. It's hard, I know, but I am trying. Whenever you find yourself sitting around having a pity party, take notice, and get busy doing something else. 

You might also work towards forgiving yourself. You're human, imperfect, and not a mind reader. Also, if you are anything like me, you are all too willing carry all blame for your failed relationship. It's not all your fault.

We keep ourselves in emotional hell, and while it may seem like your wayward partner holds the keys to get out, they don't.

We need to choose to be happy. And, remember, given that our spouses don't care, we have full permission to get to that place where we no longer give a damn either.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

very very important to sit down and cry when you feel like it. just sob. do it often and whenever it takes you. feel it all.

so sorry for your pain. i felt similar until week 5-ish when i joined here and started writing frequently about my feelings and reprocessing my story.

congrats on the 20lbs in 3 weeks. that's crazy.

talking to friends helps. taking notes and writing in a journal helps. minimizing your contact with the x helps. time will eventually come around to being friendly to you.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

I wish I didnt have to see her at all but unfortunately she is the one that supervises the visitations with the kids as per the order of protection she put on me. 
I thought at the time I had a little victory but it is only making things worse for me.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

it's been almost 3 months for me. i rarely cry now, but it still happens. the 2 month mark was where i felt a big difference. it wasn't as hard to get out of bed, and i realized life was going on with or without me. hang in there! crying can be good. try to stay as busy as possible. there will be good and bad days (moments), but as you heal, there will be more good.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

Shouldn't? Who says? The "tough love" crowd? To hell with them and their glib advice. Common knowledge? Bah. Common knowledge is for common people. You, and you alone, set the tempo for your recovery. 

Cry your eyes out. Feel sorry for yourself. If that is what you need to do or all you can do at this moment, don't fight it. You will stop crying when you have no tears left. Until then, drown the world in your sorrow. Eventually you will either sink, or you will swim; I hope for the latter.

I was... beyond destroyed by my wife leaving me; I was annihilated, obliterated. I cannot find language of sufficient intensity to describe how I felt, and still feel. Yet, even I have had moments of peace, clarity. You will too, when you are ready.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm sorry it is so painful for you. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. Meditation takes time to learn and the exercise is worth it in the long run, learning how to still your thoughts and bring peace to yourself whenever you want. Don't give it up; just don't expect much right now when you are a newbie to it.

If you feel you are leading a fairly "normal" life for yourself--getting to work, taking care of yourself (showering, eating correctly, etc)--then the crying is probably doing you some good. If the mood prevents you from doing what you NEED to do, and often stops you from doing what you want to do, then talk to your doctor. You can creep toward depression w/o realizing it. 

God bless.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

I grew up in a broken home and have seen first hand how a loving relationship can turn to hate and bitterness and do not want that. The need to be with the family is so very strong that when I dont think about it I feel guilty and when I do think about it I can barely contain my sorrow for all I have lost. 
She came at me today for child support which i am more than willing to pay but i need time because I still have to find a job. I dont see how I can pay it if i dont have a job. 
Also she is moving out of the house we rented together and getting an apartment, I guess that may be why she hit me up for child support of which I do not have anything to give. 
I want to believe she is only trying to remind me of my obligation but it felt more like a threat.
I was thrown out with only the clothes I could carry and a car with nowhere to go, maybe I should ask for spousal support from her. 
This will not get me anywhere but in a fight I dont want so I am gonna keep my mouth shut about it.
The kids seem to be ok for now and seem happy at least when I see them they are happy but its proly cause they are happy to see me. 
I seem to be able to go through the motions of taking care of hygiene and getting out and visiting friends but I am still on the edge of breaking down and crying all the time. I just want to be able to stop. 
Thanks for listening or, er reading and keep the advice coming.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

I ran into this in another thread and not wanting to hijack someone elses thread I am putting it here.

"Does your wife tend to think in 'black' or 'white' terms about most things and people? Does she almost always complain about some sort of a pain in her body or headache or tiredness? Does she have trouble trusting people? Does she look and sound fake (not herself) in front of strangers? Does she treat you like a child?"

This is my wife to a T. Her childhood is from a broken home also and she was sexually abused by a relative and claims to have been beaten by her step dad. 

Not trying to lay blame on her cause I married her for better or worse. Just wondering how much this has to do with my situation.


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

aandksdad said:


> ...as per the order of protection she put on me.


aandksdad: were you abusing your wife and children? what's up with the protection order? this is a game-changer.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

burgh_mom said:


> aandksdad: were you abusing your wife and children? what's up with the protection order? this is a game-changer.


I have never abused her or the kids and dont understand why she did it. I did spank the oldest one time with a belt when he had just down right refused to do a job that was his responsibility, and then again the next day when he did it again. Afterwards I went to the bedroom and cried after doing it both times. 

Maybe something I did or said was taken wrong or she is just being manipulative I do not know, I just know I was raised to not be mean to anyone and I'm not. I am also suffering from severe depression and it has been said she could use this against me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

well the belt incidents are certainly abusive but not enough to establish a pattern there, if she has no grounds then you need legal advice. As a parent you have rights too you know, its your home you don't have to leave if you don't want, and she has no right to take your kids away, you each have equal access. So unless there is more to this story you need to stop being a niceguy about her, get her off the pedestal you have her on, she's unilaterally breaking apart your family, you shouldn't be missing her you should be angry at her and detaching because she is completely disrespecting you. I say this not to cause you hurt, but because I was in your position and these are the words I needed to hear to get me out of that disabling limbo.

On the other hand, if you were a danger in any way, mentally unstable or abusive, you need more intense help from your therapist, you need to really work on you and know that under your W's custody atleast they are in a safe place and their needs are being met.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

Saw my therapist yesterday and she said what everyone has been telling me, just let go and get on with my life, shes gone and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. Still doesnt make me feel any better, still crying but instead of trying to stop it I just let it flow. She told me I have an hour each day to cry and have my pity party then I have to stop and do what needs to be done for me and not to dwell on the past.

This is a quote from a movie I saw and it pertains to me here,
"Yesterday is history, Tomorrow's a mystery, and Today is a gift, that is why they call it the present." I will just live for today for a while and not worry about the past or future.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

I have had a good few days here and am starting to feel better. I'm not sure if I am getting on with life or if I have become numb. I live for the now and I am not worried about the future cause it hasnt been written. Not going to worry about the past because I CANNOT change it. I live for myself on this day and let what happens tomorrow happen. I refuse to let things bother me and make me angry, sad, or indifferent. I will be happy again!!!!
I still cry some but not the slobbering thing I was doing a week ago, the therapist visit really helped and the change in my meds seem to be leveling me out so for now I feel better.:woohoo:


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

Had visitation with the kids today, the kids wanted to come see me at work and not wanting to miss an opportunity to see them I agreed. It was great seeing them and we had a good time sitting and visiting together.

My STBXW didnt seem very happy and seemed preoccupied with something, she has always been at least cordial during these visits and didnt even say hello or goodbye, just looked straight ahead as I tried to say bye. I asked her if everything was okay and she said she was just tired. 

Am I reading to much into this or could it just be that she was tired. It really seemed she was having trouble with something and I cant help but think maybe it was the place we were at cause some of those people at work are very mad at her. Even so I'm not sure that is the problem.

Even after all these years I still cant tell if shes mad, sad, or indifferent when in those moods. At least it was great seeing the boys and getting a hug from the youngest was the highlight of my day and hearing the oldest ones enthusiasm for video gaming always puts a smile on my face.:smthumbup:

All in all a great day, and come what may tomorrow I have a good memory to look back on.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

I have relapsed into crying mode today, for what reason I'm not sure. I didnt sleep well last night and everything just seems to remind me of her and the kids. Guess I need to get out and visit with friends a little more but it is hard when all you want to do is lay in bed. 

I keep trying to tell myself to not dwell on it but its impossible because I want her back so bad and nothing I do or say is going to stop the train ride I am on. She is going to divorce me so I guess I should move on but I cant because I still love, want, and need her in my life. No amount of apology is going to help because she is going to file for divorce, but I cant accept it and move on, I love her too much. 

I never knew a person could feel so many emotions at once and live through it but I will and come out a stronger better person because of it.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I was like that this morning... wishing she would just come home ( cause I knew she was sick and I wanted to take care of her) but know she is on her journey and I guess unfortunately so am I.

I will probably be upset tomorrow morning. Remember she is also wallowing in her own misery.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

< wall of tears for 40 minutes on a bus ride home last night. much to the dismay of my fellow commuters. awkward crying man on public transit.


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## Secret (May 4, 2010)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is not an easy thing at all. My only advice for you is to keep crying. Not all day but maybe a bit every day. I still cry for my losses and I haven't seen him for four months. I still miss him in my life.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

I have had a pretty good week, I am getting more mad, not angry I believe there is a difference, with a level head you are mad if you lose control thats anger. Saw the kids today, we had dinner at a local spot. The kids were really great and in good spirits so that part was fun and the oldest wants to come over for the weekend, as soon as I can get my work schedule set up I will bring him over to stay. STBXW was there of course with all the news of whats going on in their lives and all the time she is talking all I can think is how could she do this to me, I almost lost it in the restaurant. 

She was wearing a button up blouse with enough buttons undone to show lots of cleavage and wearing the perfume I bought her for christmas that I really like. Is she trying to torture me or does she not have a clue how much it hurts to be reminded of her like that. I already think about her too much and now I cant get her out of my head again. If she thinks I will come groveling back to her on hands and knees shes got another thing coming. I dont know what to think or am I over thinking and she really has no idea? Could someone enlighten me as to what she may be trying to do?



The future looks brighter somewhat, but I can only concentrate on today.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

She sounds like she is being a B$tch and is playing games...


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## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm only a week into my separation and I find myself going back and forth between sadness and anger. I've just been letting my emotions guide me. When I have a bad day and just feel like giving up, I wait until my kids are in bed and sit myself down and have a good cry. It helps and I try not to feel too badly for doing it. It's hard when it seems like they're doing fine and moving on with their life and you're standing still. We just have to focus on ourselves and take it one day at a time.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm almost three weeks in. The crying has stopped but the sadness continues.

Everyone seems to respond completely different too the different stages of grief.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Ok, here's the deal on the Order of Protection.

Take it from someone who has been there, my divorce started with me being served in the middle of the night by two sheriff's deputies who politely asked me to leave my home due to a court ordered Order of Protection which was filled with the ugliest twists, exaggerations, and complete fabrications I had ever seen. It didn't even allege physical abuse, just that she was "scared of me because I was acting irrationally".

Long story short, filing an Order of Protection is Divorce 101. A cutthroat attorney will advise their female clients to do exactly that, it knocks the soon to be exhusband on their ass, and gives the wife sole occupancy of the marital home and temporary sole custody of the kids, which puts them in a huge negotiating advantage in the divorce.

In my case I only had supervised visitation and was ordered to pay temporary support.

Lucky for me my wife had second thoughts and dropped everything however by then I was done and I filed for divorce.

I assume you've got a court date pending to fight to have that Order of Protection vacated?

Do everything you can to build your case and discredit her. Nothing you wrote gives me any reason to think she's remotely interested in reconciling.

She probably will file for child support and even though jobless you just might be ordered to pay even if it means borrowing money.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

OMG.. that is terrible for a person to do to another...!!!


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> OMG.. that is terrible for a person to do to another...!!!


Divorce can be the ugliest battle you can wage in your entire life.

TOP's (Temporary Orders of Protection) were designed as an aid to protect battered, threatened and abused relationship partners but nowadays they've become a tool, used mostly by women to gain the upper hand in a divorce.

A piece of paper signed by a judge saying "stay away" usually won't stop a crazed stalker ex but it will stop decent law abiding guys aandksdad, who didn't do anything wrong other than trying to be a good father and husband. TOPs only work against people who would never commit violence in the first place.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

kindi said:


> Divorce can be the ugliest battle you can wage in your entire life.
> 
> TOP's (Temporary Orders of Protection) were designed as an aid to protect battered, threatened and abused relationship partners but nowadays they've become a tool, used mostly by women to gain the upper hand in a divorce.
> 
> A piece of paper signed by a judge saying "stay away" usually won't stop a crazed stalker ex but it will stop decent law abiding guys aandksdad, who didn't do anything wrong other than trying to be a good father and husband. TOPs only work against people who would never commit violence in the first place.


Thank you Kindi. We have already been through the court and the judge pretty much saw she was only giving have truths and lies but granted her an order of protection because I didnt want to really say anything as I was still in a great deal of heart ache and not able to talk without becoming a blubbering fool.

I will get an attorney if she will not be reasonable but otherwise we are supposed to have an easy split, and yes reconciliation at this point isnt going to happen, with mine being mine and hers being hers. The court didnt order any support but she also didnt ask for it and neither did she have an attorney at the TOP hearing so maybe it will be easy, I cant say. 

I can only take it one day at a time.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

I will be seeing the kids and the STBX today and am worried because I found out she has filed the divorce papers. I really do not want this but I am powerless to stop it. I have sat up most of the night stressing over what might be and what could have been. I want the heartache to go away and no matter what I do I am always reminded of my wife.

I have been trying to take care of myself but it is hard when all you want to do stay in bed. I have a part time job now and have a hard time wanting to be there at all with how I feel. just getting out of bed is tough, thank god for my good friends who insist on making me get up and face the day. 

I can only live this day and not worry about what could have been because it will never be.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

The oldest boys birthday is tomorrow and the STBXW is having a party that I have been invited to. I'm not sure how this is gonna work with the TOP, I mean I could show up and she could call the cops and have me arrested. Should I show up? It would mean the world to my son to have me there and I really want to go as I have a really great gift for him, I just dont really know how the wife will react to having me in her house.

The question is should I go and see how it goes or should I just mail his gift to him and call on the phone and talk for a while?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

aandksdad said:


> The oldest boys birthday is tomorrow and the STBXW is having a party that I have been invited to. I'm not sure how this is gonna work with the TOP, I mean I could show up and she could call the cops and have me arrested. Should I show up? It would mean the world to my son to have me there and I really want to go as I have a really great gift for him, I just dont really know how the wife will react to having me in her house.
> 
> The question is should I go and see how it goes or should I just mail his gift to him and call on the phone and talk for a while?


Who invited you?


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

t


Conrad said:


> Who invited you?


My oldest boy did in front of the wife, she said ok but doesnt mean she wont bo something when I show up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

aandksdad said:


> t
> My oldest boy did in front of the wife, she said ok but doesnt mean she wont bo something when I show up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Call him up today and tell him you're going to drop off his present - and take him for cake and ice cream soon.

Don't go near the place.

She's an extremely angry person - emotionally broken from childhood forward. She's already shown you that's she's capable of lying and cheating to get what she wants.

Are you still supporting her financially?


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

No she has her own income, I am only paying child support. Guess you are righr I will drop off his present and take him out later and have our own celebration. I will do it while her whole family, who love me dearly, are their and maybe she wont do anything crazy. :banghead:
Thank you Conrad.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

aandksdad said:


> No she has her own income, I am only paying child support. Guess you are righr I will drop off his present and take him out later and have our own celebration. I will do it while her whole family, who love me dearly, are their and maybe she wont do anything crazy. :banghead:
> Thank you Conrad.


Ring the doorbell. Ask for him to come outside. Give him the present and a huge hug. Tell him you'll call.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

Good advice, thank you again.


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