# Believe wife that her affair was never physical



## Jakew (6 mo ago)

Hi all
I just need advice, opinions or hearing about your experiences with infidelity
2 years ago I discovered a text messages my wife sent to a co-worker the day he relocated overseas with his wife. They were both teachers and knew each other from university.
In 2013 I warned my wife about his intentions and told her I fully trust her. She told me about their history and that he tried to kiss her in university at a party. At that stage he was her friend’s boyfriend so she rejected the kiss and told him she won’t cheat on her friend and her boyfriend of the time.
After that I did not hear this guy’s name again till the message I discovered 2 years ago. No mention of him at all over the years, she totally kept him secret from me.
She did admit in 2013 when I warned her about him that she was uncomfortable with conversations she and him already had, yet she did not mention this to me at all.
We were living together already for 3 years before this discussions and were very happy.
I asked her to marry me and April 2014 we got married, went on honeymoon and came back to planet earth to start building our lives.
A couple of months in our first married year she started behaving different, intimacy and sex disappeared for over a year, she came home late, almost immediately fell asleep or on her phone.
She did not communicate at all so we became roommates.
What I discovered from going through her and my text conversations that:
-This co-worker lived on the school grounds in a small house they provide to some teachers.
-She had a dramatic increase of work commitments in the evenings coming home between 10 and 12 at night, once she came home at 3 am. Her explanation was school functions and having a few drinks with the other teachers afterwards.
-One evening she called me and told me all the teachers are sleeping over as they have a very early event at the school and she is too drunk to drive as well. The next day she told me she and this guy slept on a matrass on the living room floor that she was worried he would try something and she asked a female teacher to sleep in between them. Many years later when I asked again about that evening she told me she and the female teacher slept on his bed and he was on the couch. This bothers me as logically when a story changes it must be a lie.
- So in 9 months she worked 58 times till after 21:00,22:00,23:00 at night, she worked 35 weekends…this totally stopped after he left. In 2 years hardly 10 times and never after 20:00
-She sent him the text after he was gone and it was a love letter stating how lucky his wife is, how she will miss him and she wrote a letter she wants to send him. She also reminded him of a conversation they had weeks prior and this is the reason she was avoiding him. This discussion was 6 weeks prior at a wedding. I was also there and his wife. She claims she told him that if they were ever single that they could have been a good couple, but she will never cheat. To me this is no reason to avoid someone for 6 weeks.
-The day he left she was “sick” she told me she can’t stop crying and she does not know why. I told her to come home, cared for her, made soup etc etc. She was in bed for 6 days before she went back to work. From text messages I saw her co workers told he they can see she is not herself and she can talk to them. A month later still they told her to get healthy.
-Also a month after he left and she clearly mourned his loss from her life she decided to search and download marriage help videos, she saved them on a flash drive I found later. The titles of these videos was: Love but not in love, repair damage after affair, help to save marriage after emotional affair, worth saving as marriage after emotional affair etc etc.
-At the same time for the next 2-3 years she was never happy, she had emotional outbursts a few times when drunk( hysterical crying, climbing out of the car and walking off in the middle of the night on our way home( I ended up giving her the car and walked 10km back home). All the time I asked her to talk to me, she changed drastically and I don’t know why and she still never mentioned him.
-From text messages between her and her friends I was shocked. Months after our wedding she started bad mouthing me, called me a ****ty husband, I’m not there for her, I irritated her when I talk about work and my day, she avoided home because I was there, why did she marry…and worst she joked about how clueless I am and that she does not feel like telling me.
- While this bad mouthing and lying to friends was going on she never ever said a word about these “problems” with me she had, never once. She did make me promise I will always talk about everything, I will never keep SECRETS from her and I will never ever mention divorce. The amount of disrespect and painting me as the bad husband was shocking to me.
-She picked fights and made mountains out of silly things…example: I think money is important and talk about work yet also I don’t buy her a house fast enough. I forgot the day her father died years before and this led to her storming of and not telling me where she is, ignoring my calls and messages……yet my mother died 2 week prior to her dad and she totally forgot and I did not even mention it.
-In the 9 months before he left she was at the gym, had makeovers, new hair and was always looking beautiful. After he left she stopped this as well.
-I discovered they messaged each other till I discovered all of this, from 2015 till 2 years ago were I found a text from him asking if she is getting his messages. A teacher knew to tell her that he is coming to visit soon, and my wife later asked her if he is in the country yet. She claims she wanted to know so that she could avoid him.
The reason I stumbled upon the text message was because the evening prior to this she was at a school year end function and texted me at 22:00 that she almost leaving. At 2 am I have not heard from her nor has she responded to my texts so I went to bed. She stumbled in to the bedroom drunk as a skunk at 3:30 am and fell asleep. The next afternoon she told me they teachers were all partying and wanted to go and find another bar to continue. She and another male teacher went looking for a bar that was still open and after they could not find one they waited for a uber for my wife in a parking lot for an hour. I asked her why he could not drive 4 km more to drop her of at home and she responded he was scared of police catching him. So he waited with her for an uber in a parking lot for an hour at 2am in the morning. Both very drunk.
This made me uneasy and that night I took her phone and searched one name only, one that has been bothering my gut for years. The co-worker that left years ago’ s name. And this opened a can of worms
Her reaction to me finding the text was immediately that he was a good friend and she missed his farewell so she wanted to make up for it and sent the text to let him know she appreciated his friendship. She was adamant she did absolutely nothing wrong and they were just friends, nothing more. She admitted the text was wrong and not appropriate.

Over the 2 years I found more, caught her in lies( at the 3 marriage councillors she lied as well)She proclaimed that after the MC told her it was a emotional affair that she now only realise it. Not knowing I saw the videos were she was looking for help for emotional and affair.
I was blamed that it was my fault, she was lonely and a good man gave her attention so she used it and enjoyed it. She even in anger told me that he was a better person than me at the time. All to justify it. She gaslight, stormed off every time in extreme anger refusing to let me say a word when I tried to discuss it, called me paranoid, making it far worse in my head than what it was, told people how wrong I was treating her and she did nothing wrong(never truthful with them either), she threatened me with divorce many times and yelled in front of our children hysterically in tears.
The emotional hysterical outburst was within seconds of me telling her I need help with this and need to get the truth as my version is much worse. I don’t have information to help lessen the thoughts in my head.
She sent my texts were I was pleading for answers, explaining why I know she is lying and that her not acknowledging the lies at all she is hurting me, these dark moments in my life she sent to a teacher friend that is also friends with this guy, she did this so the teacher could type her response and discuss it before sending it back to me.
She deleted all traces of that time from her texts etc, big gaps in threads were I previously saw hurtful things. I was stupid and did not read it all at that time so now I will never know the truth.
She know as I made it clear that I don’t believe it was only emotional and will forever believe they had a full on affair. This is the only explanation to me why she lied over and over to be with him, they drank and was together many evenings late at night.She slept over and her story changed, she withheld intimacy and sex for over a year. She claims she was punishing me for my behaviour so she withheld sex.
After he left she struggled with intimacy and sex with me and this lead to another year of almost no sex. She went for therapy to overcome this problem and after that it slowly became better. One night she told me the problem was that a guy in university kept on trying to have sex with her and she gave in after a while.
Should I believe her that she never let her co worker touch her once? That it was only emotional and that she never lied to be with him once? That she has never seen him again….and that she chose me and never loved him more than me or made him more important to her.
To hide another man from your husband for so long, a man you needed to discuss feelings with, a man you cried over for months and missed him terribly. Such an important person and event in your life and you have to hide it from your husband. He is the outsider and knows nothing and must never know. Too years later still defend the other man, telling your husband it was his fault because the guy was a better man at the time….why??Does she still love him?
To start a family and have 3 kids with such a secret is selfish, I never got the chance to decide for myself and would have walked away immediately if I had known. Now I have small children so it is not easy at all. Trust will never be the same and the fact I don’t know the extent of the treachery, that even with clear proof and good reason to want and answer my wife refuses to answer(I can’t remember, I never lied etc etc and then hysterical outburst )
Was it only emotional or clearly without a doubt physical as well?
Should I contact him and tell him if he tells me the truth I won’t tell his wife?
Or just live with the questions I need answered….especially the big one….was it physical, did they have sex!


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

yes. full-blown affair. she was in love with him and yes had sex with him many times. it was emotional AND physical. deeply.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yes, and paragraphs are your friend.

Sorry you're going thru this, welcome to TAM. There are some tough decisions to improve your life coming but hang in there.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

None of us want to beleive that the person we have invested everything inotowould lie, and cheat and for the longest time we try to deny it and deny it to ourselves first, but sooner or later you must come to a realization that the truth while painful needs to be uncovered and that the sins of those we cherish the most must come to light...in this case your wife has lied to you endlessly and has cheated....i would sit her down and tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph for her to take and tell her that if it was only a emotionally affair then you can live with it but if it went physical you will divorce her....watch her body language and her phrasing...i am sorry you are here brother but if you want to know you need to take steps....emotional blindness is no way to go through life


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You can bank on this, she had sex with him every single night she worked late and everyone of those weekends. You can bet every time she was out without you she was screwing. Even that hour "waiting for an Uber". You know damn well what went on in that hour. She was 100% in love with the guy and sick over him leaving. You are nothing more than a second choice and tool for her to have kids and a home life. Everything she is saying is a lie.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lostinthought61 said:


> i would sit her down and tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph for her to take and tell her that if it was only a emotionally affair then you can live with it but if it went physical you will divorce her....


This approach can be useful, but also consider an alternate approach that, IMHO, is brilliant and effective. Tell her to give you a detailed timeline with _every _detail. Tell her that you will schedule a polygraph after you receive the timeline. If there is anything on the timeline that is a lie, divorce is absolute. If you tell her that telling the truth will get her divorced, she has nowhere to go. If she thinks there's a chance that things can work out if she comes clean, she may. At least you will know if she's telling you the truth.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Jakew said:


> Should I contact him and tell him if he tells me the truth I won’t tell his wife?


You most certainly contact him. You aren't going to get the truth from your unfaithful wife.

BUT, trick him. Tell him your wife admitted to a full blown physical affair with details about their sexual encounters. See what he says.

If he denies it, then there may be truth to her not having a physical affair. Or he may tell you he is so sorry about all of it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good grief.

She's been having possibly more sex with him than you.

Regardless of kids, I you should toss her to the curb.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I just can't understand a man that after finding out the truth about how much "love" his wife has for him is using the old "I have children" to stay with such a woman. These days divorce is easily as 50/50 co-parenting and you don't even have to see her face. That's pathetic.

Believe her? c'mon dude, are you that naïve/weak, or are you just desperately trying to hold on to something in fear of losing it. FYI, you never lost her because she was never yours to begin with.


Divorce her if you have any semblance of self respect and dignity; which it seems it have been lacking through this relationship. You've allowed her from the get go so many red flags that its been looking like a parade in Red Square. Why would you want to stay one more minute with such a woman, I mean why? Why do you even care if it was physical or not, when you know she has never been yours in soul, mind, and definitely body. It is such an idiotic and emasculating thing to even think asking the POS other man about it. What? do you really think he's going to give you the truth? are you really that naïve?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your whole entire marriage has been nothing but your wife having affairs and abusing you.
Even if she wore a chastity belt every night she was gone, who freaking cares? She still was giving her love to other men.

I can’t think of a case where a woman deserves divorce more, not a case where the betrayed husband has had his head in the sand as badly.

WHY have you not divorced her YEARS ago?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> She's been having possibly more sex with him than you.


Possibly? 🤣


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In a way, even if she didn’t have sex with him, this type of affair seems worse. Your wife gave another guy her heart, whether she slept with him shouldn’t determine if you remain in the marriage. That’s my thinking fwiw, but I see emotional affairs, especially this in depth, as being a betrayal just like sexual ones.

Your wife sounds like a manipulator, and probably has manipulated you to believing that since she didn’t have sex, she somehow should be given a pass. If you want that type of marriage, stay. If you want your life partner to be someone you can trust and enjoy life with, leave. Personally, I wouldn’t waste time in counseling for her to blame you again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can only be a chump if you allow it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> In a way, even if she didn’t have sex with him, this type of affair seems worse. Your wife gave another guy her heart, whether she slept with him shouldn’t determine if you remain in the marriage. That’s my thinking fwiw, but I see emotional affairs, especially this in depth, as being a betrayal just like sexual ones.
> 
> Your wife sounds like a manipulator, and probably has manipulated you to believing that since she didn’t have sex, she somehow should be given a pass. If you want that type of marriage, stay. If you want your life partner to be someone you can trust and enjoy life with, leave. Personally, I wouldn’t waste time in counseling for her to blame you again.


Very good point. It appears she was deeply in love with this man to the point she got physically ill when he left. He is who she really wants to be with. Why stay married to someone that loves another more than you?


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## Buzlightyear (7 mo ago)

I just can’t Imagine how this was not a long physical affair. If she was screwing your brains out consistently, there might have been some chance it wasn’t. They will likely never tell the whole story. Other people know about this I’m sure, within their circle. You could dig in to that I suppose, but expect what everyone is saying. I think your relationship is toast unfortunately. You’ll have to overcome a lot of pain to ever trust her again.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why don't you just call someone you think either approved that teacher sleepover or was involved in it but isn't a direct friend of your wife's and just ask if there was an actual teacher sleepover because that is the most bizarre thing I've ever heard and my best friend is a teacher.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Buzlightyear said:


> You’ll have to overcome a lot of pain to ever trust her again.


That's what I'm afraid of. OP through his post has given a likely indication that he will just sit there and take it. Most unfortunately, because to live like that knowing that the woman you're with was never yours must be psychologically a heavy burden to live with.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There is no chance this affair wasn’t physical. None. To think otherwise is just verification that the OP needs deep therapy with someone like Sean Macguire in Good Will Hunting to help snap him out of denial.

OP—- it’s not your fault…… unless you stay in this.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your wife was in love with another man, they had plenty of motive, time, and opportunity to make it physical, and I think you truly already know the answer. But as others have said, even if she didn't have sexual contact with him, her actions are still a grievous betrayal.


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

Thanks guys…everything I know I had to piece together.I have not divorced her because she is a good mother to my small children…and she got pregnant again a hear ago when I was fed up and about to end it.I have a baby boy that I want to hold and put to bed..leaving will rob me of that.

So telling the guy I will send all the messages etc to his wife if he does not answer my questions truthfully is a mistake?He does not know what I found and what I do have is more than enough to mess up his marriage.Im sure his wife had suspicions that time and maybe why she took a job overseas to move far away
Her co worker friends of that time knows definitely as her chats with them over all the dates she lied has been deleted.The chats ago back all the way to before all this and only certain dates are missing


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why not just give his wife your evidence and let the bastard deal with some stress himself? Haven’t you had enough?

what could he possibly tell you that you don’t already know?
You know in your heart the following:
Your wife loves another man
Your wife has had more sex with him than you.
Your wife has been using you for years
Your wife was so in love with with him that she’s still pining for him years later.
Your wife is a horrible liar.

What do you hope to learn from this guy that will help you?
Let’s face it, if you found her bumping him on your kitchen table, you’d still do nothing.

baby steps: gather your evidence and send it to the AP’s wife.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"Now I will never know the truth".

Yes you do have the truth you just don't want to believe it.

Go back and read your first post. Nothing, and I mean nothing you wrote, shows that your wife loves you. Why continue to torture yourself with this woman??


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I have to agree with those that say your wife was in love with him and had sex with him.

I’m a teacher and have donated many hours to working after school. Nothing I’ve seen in 20 years comes close to anything you are describing.


She used teaching as an excuse and you bought it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

I would also do a DNA test to make sure your kids are yours.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I hate to break it to you like this but the truth of the matter here is that to her YOU are the other man. 

Her primary partner and primary love is that guy. 

She’s not having an affair. She is living a double life and you ain’t her #1. 

I am sorry 😞


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Besides the affair, it sounds like your wife is an immature alcoholic as well. What good reason would you have to stay with this woman? She’s a good mom???? Doesn’t sound like it staying out all night getting hammered (in more ways then one). How is that good for your kids?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

sideways said:


> I would also do a DNA test to make sure your kids are yours.


+1 I cringed when he mentioned a recent pregnancy.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Let’s just say for a moment she was telling the truth and never slept with him.


doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t believe her with the number of lies she has told at this point.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She stayed in bed for 6 days when he left because she was grieving. 

How you are deciding to stay married to that is beyond me.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> +1 I cringed when he mentioned a recent pregnancy.


Me too😱


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jakew said:


> it.I have a baby boy that I want to hold and put to bed..leaving will rob me of that.


Like I previously said, where are you getting the idea that if you leave, you won't see your children? By the flag, I think you're in South Africa. Do fathers don't have rights for custody over there?, have sought legal advice to understand where you legally stand in your children's custody? If you haven't, why haven't you? 

Are you that much of a simp? Have you make arrangements to DNA your children to verify that they are really yours? Why not? Don't be so ignorant as to say "because they look like me". That's an ignorant supposition. YOU MUST DNA THEM. This sends your wife a clear message. Stop being a pathetic afraid fool. Gather your balls and act decisively. 

As things are, your wife must have little if any respect for you, and based on the way you have reacted since the beginnings of her shenanigans, she has every right to think so.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jakew said:


> Thanks guys…everything I know I had to piece together.I have not divorced her because she is a good mother to my small children…and she got pregnant again a hear ago when I was fed up and about to end it.I have a baby boy that I want to hold and put to bed..leaving will rob me of that.
> 
> So telling the guy I will send all the messages etc to his wife if he does not answer my questions truthfully is a mistake?He does not know what I found and what I do have is more than enough to mess up his marriage.Im sure his wife had suspicions that time and maybe why she took a job overseas to move far away
> Her co worker friends of that time knows definitely as her chats with them over all the dates she lied has been deleted.The chats ago back all the way to before all this and only certain dates are missing


Sorry but good mothers don’t destroy their families.
Inform his wife without giving him the opportunity to cover this up. He’s never going to tell you the truth.
You need to wake up. 
DNA the children.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Believe wife that her affair was never physical.









Sometimes you’ve just got to let it go, Mulder.
Some things just aren’t true.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Send the info to his wife. Tell her that they were sexually involved for over a year and that your wife was in love with him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Let’s just say for a moment she was telling the truth and never slept with him.
> 
> 
> doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t believe her with the number of lies she has told at this point.


In her heart and her dreams, she did everything with him.

That makes it worse.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> In her heart and her dreams, she did everything with him.
> 
> That makes it worse.


Yeah.

beyond the lies, this is honestly what matters the most. She clearly loves her AP. I get what it feels like to not be loved by your significant other. No matter how much that hurts, you gotta leave. There is nothing to fix. No reason to be with someone that doesn’t love you.


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## Buzlightyear (7 mo ago)

I'd just take is easy at the moment, if possible. So many things going thru your head. 

I'd go see a lawyer right away and see what a divorce would look like. Cause if you blow the whole thing up that's likely the result. There could be reasons to stick it out and not blow up your family tomorrow. Just know that your relationship will probably never be right again. If you stay, she would have to check so many boxes that seem unlikely. The grief of her cheated might be to much for you also. 

On the positive side, her lover is gone. She will most likely be depressed for a long time and possibly never get over it, or treat you like she treated him. I'm assuming her attitude will be clear one way or the other regarding your physical connection within a period of time. She needs to start screwing your brains out buts thats highly unlikely. 

I was able to stay while my stbx was in her affair with her boss. It just didn't make since for me to blow it all up at that moment. That would come in due time and I was able to manage my situation in a way that worked for me. 

Your gonna be ok, just get a plan together and do your best to follow it. Just assume she cheated, to many flags that would say she didn't. Figure out if the kids are yours, that's a big thing in court if they are not.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Jakew said:


> Hi all
> I just need advice, opinions or hearing about your experiences with infidelity
> 2 years ago I discovered a text messages my wife sent to a co-worker the day he relocated overseas with his wife. They were both teachers and knew each other from university.
> In 2013 I warned my wife about his intentions and told her I fully trust her. She told me about their history and that he tried to kiss her in university at a party. At that stage he was her friend’s boyfriend so she rejected the kiss and told him she won’t cheat on her friend and her boyfriend of the time.
> ...


See the HIGHLIGHTS in your post? You continued to overlook so many behavioral RED FLAGS of your wife through the years... not once it dawned on you what the hell is going on?

You might not have 'direct evidence' _*but*_ you do have 'circumstantial evidence' of your wife having PHYSICAL AFFAIR with her co-worker. See the HIGHLIGHTS that I have *bolded* for your benefit in your disclosure.

You were your wife's PLAN B all along.

She has utterly disrespected you by cheating on you, LYING to you, withholding intimacy from you, and attempted to destroy your reputation in her social circle. Can you look at her friends in the eye and have conversations with them? Your wife is absolutely TERRIBLE.

I am pro-marriage, and I can understand the intent, urge and reasons for a betrayed husband to reconcile with his wife [truly remorseful wife] _*but*_ you have put up with TOO MUCH.

Are you sure that you are the biological father of your children as well? Consider DNA test for each child.

When you look at your wife, she does not reminds you of how much pain she has caused you over the years? You should DIVORCE this woman [in my view]. Nothing in your disclosure suggest that she is truly remorseful. She have had a FULL-BLOWN affair with her co-worker, and it is possible that she still have feelings for him. Consult a good lawyer who specializes in 'divorce proceedings' and prepare to follow through it.

Even those men who never experienced infidelity in marriage will CRINGE at your account; I did.



Jakew said:


> Should I contact him and tell him if he tells me the truth I won’t tell his wife?
> Or just live with the questions I need answered….especially the big one….was it physical, did they have sex!


Bad idea.

You should EXPOSE this man to his wife instead. Request her to pry her husband and provide you details about his affair with your wife.



Jakew said:


> Thanks guys…everything I know I had to piece together.I have not divorced her because she is a good mother to my small children…and she got pregnant again a hear ago when I was fed up and about to end it.I have a baby boy that I want to hold and put to bed..leaving will rob me of that.


🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

WHAT THE HELL is wrong with you, dude?



Jakew said:


> So telling the guy I will send all the messages etc to his wife if he does not answer my questions truthfully is a mistake?He does not know what I found and what I do have is more than enough to mess up his marriage.Im sure his wife had suspicions that time and maybe why she took a job overseas to move far away
> Her co worker friends of that time knows definitely as her chats with them over all the dates she lied has been deleted.The chats ago back all the way to before all this and only certain dates are missing


You should *NOT* contact the OM but his wife only. Request her to pry her husband and provide you details about his affair with your wife. BLOW UP HIS WORLD instead.

You can also contact other people who know about this affair, to learn from them. No problem in this case.

You may collect as much as evidence you can about your wife's affair for your own "peace of mind." And share this evidence with the OM's wife for her benefit.

Remove this woman (your wife) from your home as well.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Emotional my ass! This was every bit a physical affair. Walked 10 km? I'd have thrown her miserable carcass out the door as soon as I walked in the door after that one. A polygraph is in order here imho.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Jakew said:


> Thanks guys…everything I know I had to piece together.I have not divorced her because she is a good mother to my small children…and she got pregnant again a hear ago when I was fed up and about to end it.I have a baby boy that I want to hold and put to bed..leaving will rob me of that.
> 
> So telling the guy I will send all the messages etc to his wife if he does not answer my questions truthfully is a mistake?He does not know what I found and what I do have is more than enough to mess up his marriage.Im sure his wife had suspicions that time and maybe why she took a job overseas to move far away
> Her co worker friends of that time knows definitely as her chats with them over all the dates she lied has been deleted.The chats ago back all the way to before all this and only certain dates are missing


This is a waste of time. Just divorce her and don't look back. 

I have never read a more obvious "unproven" affair story in my life.

Her 6 day "sickness" was her mourning her lover. She knew she would never see the love of her life again.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“So in 9 months she worked 58 times till after 21:00,22:00,23:00 at night, she worked 35 weekends”. 

He lived in a house on the campus? What kind of school is this, hogwarts?
Surely you realize that AT LEAST 58 times this guy boned your “wife”. And wife in your case us really, really a term used loosely.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's hard to understand how you can write line after line about her affair yet still try and persuade yourself that she didn't physically cheat. 
We all know she did, I mean how much proof do you need? 
If you must have more proof then book a lie detector test but it's clear as day.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> “So in 9 months she worked 58 times till after 21:00,22:00,23:00 at night, she worked 35 weekends”.
> 
> He lived in a house on the campus? What kind of school is this, hogwarts?
> Surely you realize that AT LEAST 58 times this guy boned your “wife”. And wife in your case us really, really a term used loosely.


It is a university, not a k-12 school.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jakew said:


> Hi all
> I just need advice, opinions or hearing about your experiences with infidelity
> 2 years ago I discovered a text messages my wife sent to a co-worker the day he relocated overseas with his wife. They were both teachers and knew each other from university.
> In 2013 I warned my wife about his intentions and told her I fully trust her. She told me about their history and that he tried to kiss her in university at a party. At that stage he was her friend’s boyfriend so she rejected the kiss and told him she won’t cheat on her friend and her boyfriend of the time.
> ...


Dude! It was in your face physical! They had A LOT OF SEX!

There is a very good probability all the children are not your biologic children.


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

my children were born years after he moved overseas and no doubt are mine…I guess the long detailed description I wrote is me trying to find another explanation to me knowing it was 99% sexual as well…


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jakew said:


> my children were born years after he moved overseas and no doubt are mine…I guess the long detailed description I wrote is me trying to find another explanation to me knowing it was 99% sexual as well…


You were seeking that miracle explanation that would set aside your doubt.

Instead, your doubt has evaporated, replaced by that knowing; that your wife has spent countless hours in the arms of another man


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jakew said:


> my children were born years after he moved overseas and no doubt are mine…I guess the long detailed description I wrote is me trying to find another explanation to me knowing it was 99% sexual as well…


I'm glad to hear your explanation of your children time of birth.

Now, you already know that she pulled one under you. So, the question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you just going to let sleeping dogs lie, or what?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

As long as you don't have a video of them having sex - it's not in her best interest to confess to what's obvious. 

He dumped her and moved away so she is desperate to hang onto you.

Insist on her taking a polygraph test. Doesn't matter if you believe they're reliable, only that she believes you do. Watch her face. Cheaters hate being cornered.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Foolish to think it wasn’t physical as well as an emotional bond. That why you felt squeezed out of your own marriage and she started rewriting the history to make you look like a bad husband!

why are you so willing to over look all the evidence? Why didn’t you find it completely unreasonable that she stayed overnight and out late all those times? Those are times she was with him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Jakew said:


> Thanks guys…everything I know I had to piece together.I have not divorced her because she is a good mother to my small children…and she got pregnant again a hear ago when I was fed up and about to end it.I have a baby boy that I want to hold and put to bed..leaving will rob me of that.
> 
> So telling the guy I will send all the messages etc to his wife if he does not answer my questions truthfully is a mistake?He does not know what I found and what I do have is more than enough to mess up his marriage.Im sure his wife had suspicions that time and maybe why she took a job overseas to move far away
> Her co worker friends of that time knows definitely as her chats with them over all the dates she lied has been deleted.The chats ago back all the way to before all this and only certain dates are missing


her OM owes you no answers! Your cheating and lying wife owes you all the answers you may have - even if it’s constant questions for ten years!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dude, I can smell the other man on her from the other side of the screen here.

You are so use to it that he could probably be in bed with you and you wouldn't know any different.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Threads like this really break my heart for the sad state of men today. To sit through such blatant betrayal is sickening. There is no way you should have stayed with your WW through all that. During that affair, she was completely his girl and I bet she still pines for that guy. If he would to come back into town, she would be in his bed that night. 

Btw, how is she a good mother if she’s not a good wife? I would say the same thing about a man that is unloving towards their mother.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is sad that you are going through this , my point is what difference is it if she has had sex with him once or 10000 times the fact she loves another man is enough and this makes her not yours


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is sad that you are going through this , my point is what difference is it if she has had sex with him once or 10000 times the fact she loves another man is enough and this makes her not* yours*


_Yours_ is a definitive, precise word.

The word, by definition, permits no sharing.
Marriage, locks in this concept.

Her lips need be yours, her breasts and vagina, yours only, without question.

They were not yours alone, likely, rarely.

Thus, that which is not yours alone, makes for easy disposal, those cold goodbyes, that icy, _uhambe kahle _

.......................................................................





_Nemesis-_


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

Look despite my best efforts to build a new marriage the problem is my love and respect died due to the way she chose to handle the discovery of that text. So what she wants most from me I cant give her....and that is her loss not mine.
I built a very comfortable life for us, ironically during her affair she was blind to the struggles of my life, and the triumphs.I built up 3 profitable businesses and soon I will be able to spend the majority of my time with my family.

If I leave her she will be worse of by far

All the problems I have in my life that appeared since the discovery seem to resolve themselves when I am not with her for a couple of weeks, I don't miss her and feel happy.

The worse part, I told her at the first marriage counselor that if she tells me the full truth and don't lie to me that I will not divorce her. She chose to lie.......


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jakew said:


> The worse part, I told her at the first marriage counselor that if she tells me the full truth and don't lie to me that I will not divorce her. She chose to lie.......


So, at this juncture, have you done anything to get the process rolling? have you already secured a family lawyer? has you gotten any legal advice as to where you legally stand on a divorce? Have you ask the lawyer about the 50/50 child custody/co-parenting? or are you just talking and no actions? Talking might get you to feel better in the short run, but actions are what will solve your situation, not to mention it will make you look look like a man that has self respect and dignity regardless of the crap sandwich that is being serve.


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

At this stage I have protected my assets and companies in case I decide to walk away.As I stated I have a newborn baby boy,3 and 5 year old daughters to protect and put first,I don't care what anyone says,I went through a divorce as a child and it does mess up any child.

Im no chump or spineless man to want to try everything to avoid my kids having to deal with a stepfamily.Say what you will,a man does not care the same for children that are not his own.

However should I discover anything more she omitted or lied about in the future I will walk away immediately,she knows this

And the truth always finds a way to come out,like me stumbling on a text years later.

So for now I will give it a bit more time,if my baby boy is a toddler and I feel the same I will probably leave her anyway.

Someone mentioned how do I look her friends in the eyes..I don't,everyone I know she bad mouthed me to and was to cowardly to either tell me or believed it has been removed from my life.Her family as well..

Her family ,including my 3 brother in laws showed me they are not worth my loyalty and support.Believe me I have financially helped them over the years,I supported her mother and was always there when they needed someone.

I guess loyalty and family mean more to me than most

So I will be fine and will definitely not be hurt by my wife again,she cant break something that does not exists right.Im the dark of night it sucks as I stare at the ceiling pissed off many nights,but the sun always rises

One thing I never mentioned is the coward of a affair partner knew that time who I was ,he risked much, those years I would have not reacted well towards him if I found out.

Since the day I found the text he as gone underground,he deleted his social media etc.

He does not know some of his wife's friends are old dive mates of mine and they told me he is avoiding visiting Africa…so a coward that is scared of a man whose marriage he meddled in.


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## CTPROF (6 mo ago)

So, it is okay for you to be loyal and it is okay for you to not want to break up the family.
So, please explain why these feelings are so important to you and not to her. Sorry, but the moment she spread her legs for the POSUM, her loyalty to you and your children flew out the window. She stabbed you and your children in the back, gave no thought to destroying her family, pined for the om after he left, and you are hanging on to loyalty and family? Get a grip, dump her, share custody if need be, and move on.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Jakew said:


> At this stage I have protected my assets and companies in case I decide to walk away.


Have you become convinced that it was physical? Have you confirmed it?


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Have you become convinced that it was physical? Have you confirmed it?


No I have no way of confirming it, but what other reasons would there be for a wife to stop having sex totally for so long, emotionally check out , need therapy for overcoming problems having sex with me after the guy left, problems that was never present for the 3 years before the affair....

That and the many , many late nights at work drinking at functions and afterwords with all the other teachers.Time , opportunity , alcohol and the night she said they all slept over but her version of where she slept changed over time....

This guy would have tried to cheat, knew she was into him, she knew he was into her....so logically odds are more in favour of physical than emotional affair.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Jakew said:


> At this stage I have protected my assets and companies in case I decide to walk away.As I stated I have a newborn baby boy,3 and 5 year old daughters to protect and put first,I don't care what anyone says,I went through a divorce as a child and it does mess up any child.
> 
> Im no chump or spineless man to want to try everything to avoid my kids having to deal with a stepfamily.Say what you will,a man does not care the same for children that are not his own.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the update.

I mentioned how do you look her friends in the eyes. You did the right thing by cutting off your wife's friends, original family members and relatives from your LIFE for betraying you (those you found to be guilty and complicit), and made your wayward wife do the same as well. SOLID. These people are not worth your time and support. 

I still fail to understand why you chose to have kids with this woman after she had put you through so much?

You overlooked so many RED FLAGs early on but you were not sure that infidelity was involved? You learned much about your wife's affair RECENTLY?


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Thanks for the update.
> 
> I mentioned how do you look her friends in the eyes. You did the right thing by cutting off your wife's friends and relatives from your LIFE for betraying you, and made your wayward wife do the same as well. SOLID. These people are not worth your time and support.
> 
> ...


Hi, I did not have kids with a cheater,I thought I stared a family with a loyal wife.I only discovered this mess after 2 off my children was already born.She chose to start a family without me knowing anything her betrayal....this is what pisses me of most.....

I just cant understand or process why a good girl, raised in a good home with morals, a girl that makes me promise to never have secrets and preaches how she would never cheat, live with a guy for 3 years happy as hell, get married and in a couple of months after the wedding engage in an affair and totally betray everything.The affair as far as I now started and ended when he left all in the first year or marriage

I might understand an affair years into a marriage , but months?


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Jakew said:


> Hi, I did not have kids with a cheater,I thought I stared a family with a loyal wife.I only discovered this mess after 2 off my children was already born.She chose to start a family without me knowing anything her betrayal....this is what pisses me of most.....
> 
> I just cant understand or process why a good girl, raised in a good home with morals, a girl that makes me promise to never have secrets and preaches how she would never cheat, live with a guy for 3 years happy as hell, get married and in a couple of months after the wedding engage in an affair and totally betray everything.The affair as far as I now started and ended when he left all in the first year or marriage
> 
> I might understand an affair years into a marriage , but months?


OK, I understand now. 

3rd baby due to hysterical bonding? 

How your wife feels about this mess? Does she resent the OM now or she is only sorry for being caught by you?


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> OK, I understand now.
> 
> 3rd baby due to hysterical bonding?
> 
> How your wife feels about this mess? Does she resent the OM now or she is only sorry for being caught by you?


3rd baby after I was away fishing for a week and came back!She now say she hates him but defended him at first…he was a good person that cared for het and gave attention to her,always made sure her drink was full,walked her to the car to make sure she was safe,he was a better person than me at the time..etc etc


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Paternity tests need to be done on ALL 3 kids. 

Whether you think they are needed or not it makes a point.

That point being the extent of the damage to your relationship that SHE has caused.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jake,

You wrote, 

*I just cant understand or process why a good girl, raised in a good home with morals, a girl that makes me promise to never have secrets and preaches how she would never cheat, live with a guy for 3 years happy as hell, get married and in a couple of months after the wedding engage in an affair and totally betray everything.The affair as far as I now started and ended when he left all in the first year or marriage

I might understand an affair years into a marriage , but months? *

Possibly because your "good girl" concealed who she is sexually and married you for a number of reasons other than sex. She also may never have been romantically in love with you and might not be now. 

My W enjoys her good girl status, people instantly believe she is a saint, what actually turns my W on however is completely at odds with her image. This creates complex internal conflict and repression which builds over time and releases at random.

Perhaps she loved the OM but did not like him, while she likes you but does not love you, as my W said to me "I don't love you like you love me" . When she said that I felt like the Michael character in the Godfather movie when he realizes Fredo has betrayed the family.


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

Might be…I suspect she will never be happy,no matter who she is married to and that is a character flaw maybe from childhood.He mother did not work a day in her life,her father worked himself to death to provide for her and 5 kids.The mom is selfish and self absorbed so maybe all was not sunshine and roses in her childhood home.Im just fed up thinking of this affair that I had no part of….no person marries and has an affair so fast….or maybe the fact she already hid him from me before our engagement means there was already something going on before our wedding…which is even more evil


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jakew said:


> 3rd baby after I was away fishing for a week and came back!She now say she hates him but defended him at first…he was a good person that cared for het and gave attention to her,always made sure her drink was full,walked her to the car to make sure she was safe,he was a better person than me at the time..etc etc


I would DNA test the child. She is in the sorry I got caught mode. That probably won’t last.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jakew said:


> Hi, I did not have kids with a cheater,I thought I stared a family with a loyal wife.I only discovered this mess after 2 off my children was already born.She chose to start a family without me knowing anything her betrayal....this is what pisses me of most.....
> 
> I just cant understand or process why a good girl, raised in a good home with morals, a girl that makes me promise to never have secrets and preaches how she would never cheat, live with a guy for 3 years happy as hell, get married and in a couple of months after the wedding engage in an affair and totally betray everything.The affair as far as I now started and ended when he left all in the first year or marriage
> 
> I might understand an affair years into a marriage , but months?


People lie. You’ll never have a good life with that type of person. Making excuses to stay will get old quickly.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jakew said:


> Might be…I suspect she will never be happy,no matter who she is married to and that is a character flaw maybe from childhood.He mother did not work a day in her life,her father worked himself to death to provide for her and 5 kids.The mom is selfish and self absorbed so maybe all was not sunshine and roses in her childhood home.Im just fed up thinking of this affair that I had no part of….no person marries and has an affair so fast….or maybe the fact she already hid him from me before our engagement means there was already something going on before our wedding…which is even more evil


That should tell you who she is. Believe her or you’ll probably get more of what you’ve gotten.


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> That should tell you who she is. Believe her or you’ll probably get more of what you’ve gotten.


Believe me I know now that it is not my fault for her unhappiness and anger towards me. What is strange is while she was hiding this "emotional affair" developing and till it ended when he moved she picked fights for silly stupid things, and not very often.I did get a lot of texts that time while she was always working late were she apologized for snapping at me or saying something I did not deserve.

She did however bad mouthed me and our marriage behind my back , all things that she never mentioned to me and none of it was present before either

After he left this dramatically increased behind my back and also in her attitude towards me, she was critical , angry, blaming me for everything she felt was wrong and what I did or did not do to make her happy.

She deleted her facebook account " told me she was making herself unhappy by looking at other peoples lives and they looked so happy and did so many wonderful things" so she deleted it to stop looking

Obviously she was stalking his Facebook profile

I felt like a bad husband because she was always not happy with me , whatever I did it was never good enough.

Example: When my 1st born was 3 I took my family to our holiday home at the coast, literally spent 17 days with her and the kids 24/7 and we then visited her family down the coast at her mothers house. The first time we went to the beach there my brother in laws insisted we go and have a beer in a bar overlooking the beach, in full sight of our families.Keep in mind my wife was with her 2 sister in laws with their children, her mother.I had 3 sips of my beer when she came walking up to to the bar and yelled"your n **** dad" ......the people in the bar laughed , the people on the beach heard it and looked at me..
Why was I deserving of this?Because I went for a beer with her family, not one of theire wifes had an issue with this....

Later the holiday I walked in to her telling her mother she has a husband that does nothing to help her.

I did not take this treatment and it led to me being very angry at her.

So in her mind I was the bad husband and to blame for everything, nothing I did was acknowledged or did not matter for years after her affair.....it did not apparently matter to her that it all started when she decided to hide another man and start a love affair.....and this my friends was the poison that caused every single one of my marital problems to date.

So I refuse to feel guilty or take any blame


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jakew said:


> At this stage I have protected my assets and companies in case I decide to walk away.As I stated I have a newborn baby boy,3 and 5 year old daughters to protect and put first,I don't care what anyone says,I went through a divorce as a child and it does mess up any child.
> 
> Im no chump or spineless man to want to try everything to avoid my kids having to deal with a stepfamily.Say what you will,a man does not care the same for children that are not his own.
> 
> ...


If they are actually yours. DNA and you may have your proof of adultry.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jakew said:


> Believe me I know now that it is not my fault for her unhappiness and anger towards me. What is strange is while she was hiding this "emotional affair" developing and till it ended when he moved she picked fights for silly stupid things, and not very often.I did get a lot of texts that time while she was always working late were she apologized for snapping at me or saying something I did not deserve.
> 
> She did however bad mouthed me and our marriage behind my back , all things that she never mentioned to me and none of it was present before either
> 
> ...


This is very typical. Read through some of the threads here and you’ll see it. That’s why they are called the cheater script. They all follow the same basic pattern.
Nothing special except it’s happening to you. There is no magic fix.
Drop the hopium pipe.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m curious what you believe she was doing when working late?

also, why would you stay with a woman who doesn’t love you and seemingly is repulsed by the thought of you. If you say for the kids, you’re just using them as an excuse. Kids shouldn’t see you staying with a cheater who doesn’t love you. Horrible example.


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m curious what you believe she was doing when working late?
> 
> also, why would you stay with a woman who doesn’t love you and seemingly is repulsed by the thought of you. If you say for the kids, you’re just using them as an excuse. Kids shouldn’t see you staying with a cheater who doesn’t love you. Horrible example.


I disagree that trying all possible options and to give it as long as possible for the sake of my small children is an excuse.They are very young and will not understand till they are much older.Meanwhile they will be scared,hurt,confused and definitely in some way feel like its they’re fault.I lived through a divorce as child so I know how it feels.
It takes strength and backbone to put others that or so totally dependent on you for their future and happiness 1st. My life and happiness does not matter if it comes to them…think what you want about me but I guarantee you if this came to light years ago before my first born that I would have cut her out of my life so fast her head would still be spinning.


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## Jakew (6 mo ago)

It is a FUBAR situation and millions of people has experienced the same before all of us.It is not a death sentence for my happiness and this to shall pass like all the hard times before
My wife lost the most from this and knows my perception and feelings for her ,my marriage history and trust for her has forever changed for the worse.She has to live with the fact that I dont believe it when she say that she loves me and that she destroyed the relationships I had with her family and friends…the control she had over me is gone and nothing she does will give it to her again….so she lost what could have been a pure untainted marriage full of trust and respect.
All for a few months of whatever with a married man that lives on his wife's back for support.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jakew said:


> My wife lost the most from this and knows my perception and feelings for her


Your statement is pointless, she didn't lose anything. If she actually was in love with you that would be a valid point, but since she was never really in love with you (neither she is at this point) , she didn't lose anything that she would really care for. Your whole reasoning about your situation is nothing but excuses, excuses, excuses. It's your life, but in reality you never chose anything, you have let everything around you determine your fate. In other words you've been a passive dude since the moment you realized that you were second fiddler. You are Sir Lancelot falling on his sword in order to save his cheating Guinevere.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Deleted


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Well it does sound likely that it was physical with him since there certainly was plenty of opportunity and the coincidences with her work schedule before and after he left. But until she admits the full truth, your marriage is a lie and only going to get even worse.

I would definitely contact the dude. Tell him your wife admitted to the affair. Just tell him you are mad at her not him and just want to get the full truth and how it started, how many times and whatever else. Don't let him hang up to get his story straight with her.

Then whatever he says, tell her you had a conversation with AP and you will give her one chance to tell the truth or your packing your bags for good and will see an attorney in the morning.

At this point, you just need to know if she is still living a lie. If she is, you will be divorced in less than a year regardless so you really have nothing to lose. If you really think it's worth saving then she has to come clean.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Jakew said:


> At this stage I have protected my assets and companies in case I decide to walk away.As I stated I have a newborn baby boy,3 and 5 year old daughters to protect and put first,I don't care what anyone says,I went through a divorce as a child and it does mess up any child.
> 
> Im no chump or spineless man to want to try everything to avoid my kids having to deal with a stepfamily.Say what you will,a man does not care the same for children that are not his own.
> 
> ...


*Im no chump or spineless man to want to try everything to avoid my kids having to deal with a stepfamily.Say what you will,a man does not care the same for children that are not his own.

However should I discover anything more she omitted or lied about in the future I will walk away immediately,she knows this*

you said the above so why does it mattter you state your not spinless and dont want your kids to deal with a stepfamily OKAY FINE !! yet you also say if discouver anymore lies omitted you will leave...

SO all that is BS becasue you already know she has continured to lie hence why all of us are saying you are spineless because your using an excuse about stepfamily .. if that was the case then it doesnt matter if you find out more lieing which there is !! Man up what do you think you will be teaching your boy .. that its okay for him to be in a relationship where he is abused and lied to !! or even worse That he should be like his dad .. you are supposed to be his hero and all your actions shoud demonstrate that.. 
A stepdad maynot be able to love him as much as you think but he can difinately teach him to be a man that has spine which now you are not especially if you continue to rugsweep smh


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Jakew said:


> At this stage I have protected my assets and companies in case I decide to walk away.As I stated I have a newborn baby boy,3 and 5 year old daughters to protect and put first,I don't care what anyone says,I went through a divorce as a child and it does mess up any child.
> 
> Im no chump or spineless man to want to try everything to avoid my kids having to deal with a stepfamily.Say what you will,a man does not care the same for children that are not his own.
> 
> ...


you may thik he is a coward he still gt to sleep with your wife and you havent done anything who is the real coward !!! you have kept your cheating wife the question is why ?? simple you are weak and the coward !!! 

i dont mean to be hard on you but that is how you are behaving. stop it put your foot down leave the situaton let the other mans wife know let there world blow up as you navigate yours as you heal .. And remener we are all here to helpp you along .. but you must make the first move no more excuses no more deflecating blame to the other man . it was your wife who said the vows to you not him !! use that energy to live your cheating wife simple !!


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Jakew said:


> Hi, I did not have kids with a cheater,I thought I stared a family with a loyal wife.I only discovered this mess after 2 off my children was already born.She chose to start a family without me knowing anything her betrayal....this is what pisses me of most.....
> 
> I just cant understand or process why a good girl, raised in a good home with morals, a girl that makes me promise to never have secrets and preaches how she would never cheat, live with a guy for 3 years happy as hell, get married and in a couple of months after the wedding engage in an affair and totally betray everything.The affair as far as I now started and ended when he left all in the first year or marriage
> 
> I might understand an affair years into a marriage , but months?


yes this happens when they dont value you and love you as much as you love them !!!


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Jakew said:


> I disagree that trying all possible options and to give it as long as possible for the sake of my small children is an excuse.They are very young and will not understand till they are much older.Meanwhile they will be scared,hurt,confused and definitely in some way feel like its they’re fault.I lived through a divorce as child so I know how it feels.
> It takes strength and backbone to put others that or so totally dependent on you for their future and happiness 1st. My life and happiness does not matter if it comes to them…think what you want about me but I guarantee you if this came to light years ago before my first born that I would have cut her out of my life so fast her head would still be spinning.


putting them firdt means MAKING SURE THEY ARE IN A STABLE ENVIROMENT which yours is not !!! your staying because you fear being alone that is selfish !!!! 
putting them first is making sure such behavior that your wife has demonstarted you keeo far away which can only be ddone if you grow a pair !!!


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

We're you ever able to talk to any of her work colleagues? I'm sure they could fill in the blanks.. especially the long work nights filled with alcohol...They know what you want to confirm...Believe me , they all know


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Jakew, forgive me if youve posted this but have you had your children DNA tested? If you havent, you really need to and not just for your peace of mind, but for your children's sake...including the child _en utero._


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

My assessment also:



BigDaddyNY said:


> You can bank on this, she had sex with him every single night she worked late and everyone of those weekends. You can bet every time she was out without you she was screwing. Even that hour "waiting for an Uber". You know damn well what went on in that hour. She was 100% in love with the guy and sick over him leaving. You are nothing more than a second choice and tool for her to have kids and a home life. Everything she is saying is a lie.





sideways said:


> "Now I will never know the truth".
> 
> Yes you do have the truth you just don't want to believe it.
> 
> Go back and read your first post. Nothing, and I mean nothing you wrote, shows that your wife loves you. Why continue to torture yourself with this woman??





oldshirt said:


> I hate to break it to you like this but the truth of the matter here is that to her YOU are the other man.
> 
> Her primary partner and primary love is that guy.
> 
> ...



I would wager her body-fluid transgressions are in excess of 58+35.

There is a practical side of "DNA test" - your children, if not your creation with your spouse, may be carrying genes of
future illness or ??? - DNA test will either eliminate that consideration or allow you to deal with helping them through life later should something occur with their health. 

Side note: See a doctor and ask about what blood types children can have based on parents blood type.

Also wondering if you and she ever got STD testing done?


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## BoLv2Fght (Apr 1, 2021)

Jakew said:


> Hi all
> I just need advice, opinions or hearing about your experiences with infidelity
> 2 years ago I discovered a text messages my wife sent to a co-worker the day he relocated overseas with his wife. They were both teachers and knew each other from university.
> In 2013 I warned my wife about his intentions and told her I fully trust her. She told me about their history and that he tried to kiss her in university at a party. At that stage he was her friend’s boyfriend so she rejected the kiss and told him she won’t cheat on her friend and her boyfriend of the time.
> ...


Bro! You already know the answer to that question. It was phsical over and over and over. I would not be surprised if the other teacher or friend were in it for a threesome. Worse not only physical pleasure, she was insanely in love with him. I am sorry to put it this way. She could not phsically get up to go to work and she can't stop crying for no reason. Accept it already. You are stuck at that door. Turn around there are hundreds perhaps thousands more open doors you can take your chances with. Use the experience for the future. Most people that come our lives were not meant to stay but were just there at the right time to give you the lesson for the next chapter of your life so do not get stuck in there keep moving on. You know what they say about emotions. This too shall pass.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Jakew said:


> Believe me I know now that it is not my fault for her unhappiness and anger towards me. What is strange is while she was hiding this "emotional affair" developing and till it ended when he moved she picked fights for silly stupid things, and not very often.I did get a lot of texts that time while she was always working late were she apologized for snapping at me or saying something I did not deserve.
> 
> She did however bad mouthed me and our marriage behind my back , all things that she never mentioned to me and none of it was present before either
> 
> ...


Pretty clear you married a woman with a personality disorder. Read up on the Cluster B disorders if you have the inclination.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Doesn't look like @Jakew is around anymore, but in his first post he said:



Jakew said:


> she told me the problem was that a guy in university kept on *trying to have sex with her and she gave in after a while.*


She admitted to screwing someone else why is it such a stretch for him that she carried on a long-term physical affair?
Why doesn't the one she admitted to bother him? that should be enough to leave.
Maybe I am misunderstanding what he meant by the above quote but it seems pretty clear.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

Your wife exhibits a very self centered personality, everything revolves around her and her happiness. She will justify her affair simply because she’s not getting something or another and she deserves it.

When we read about cheaters with such personality, it is common that they cheat more than once. I agree with the others and DNA test your kids.

if you want to know the truth, ask her to write down the details of her affair(s) and test that with a polygraph. If she refuses, it basically means you know 1% of the truth.

is there any reason why you stay with that woman besides the kids? You parents might have divorced and affected you but you don’t know how worst it would have been if they had stayed together.

Being in a house where the father is miserable and the mother constantly bad mouthing the father can’t be good for your children.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime a story starts with “I believe my wife that her affair was …….”

why in the heck would anyone be stupid enough to believe anything a wife said that was involved in AN AFFAIR???????

this is ridiculous. She’s banged more dudes than Wyatt Earp.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Hey I've got a great deal in some Florida bottom-land for you but you have to act now before it's gone.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

You are an example of what cheated people use to convince themselves, which I wrote in another article.

you have companies, you have developed your commercial assets a lot, your reputation has increased, you are someone who protects your employees

you entered the house

it's all over

your marriage is on a lie, cheating, your wife's family humiliates you, your wife humiliates you, your wife has been in a socially known relationship for years


now you are in a marriage as the father protecting the children

om coward and spineless (do you believe that, your wife has preferred him for years, do you expect her to fight you for your wife)

your wife lied to om church/therapy/you and everyone.

she followed him as well.

she fought you for it

stayed at/next to the man's house for hours

If you didn't have children, you would leave your wife immediately.

you have a new baby.

conclusion

Your wife continues to eat her cake.

you're punishing a woman you already know doesn't want to share anything sexual/physical/social with you??


What convinces you that your wife sees it as punishment for you to stay away from her?

you haven't met someone new and changed your life, you've been sexually put off for years and now you're not in a relationship with anyone,

Who is taking the punishment?

The longer you stay married to your wife, the greater her marital earnings.

complete the divorce anyway your wife has nothing to do with marriage


I think if you break up, your wife will get financial support from you, she will have more than one relationship while taking care of the children, she can marry someone new while making fun of you, but you are not in a position to have a relationship.

Business success is not a reason for success in marriage.

Emotional, social and sexual issues take priority in relationships.

Think of it as a neutral and outside comment, not for your anger.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

@Jakew How's your day going?


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