# Finally the penny drops



## sinkingfeeling

I've been posting mainly on the Coping with Infidelity site as a few months ago, I received an email from a girl saying she was ****ing my husband. He denied it, said he met up with her but couldn't go through with it and she did it out of revenge. He committed to marriage counselling which had been going well and I thought we were partly on the road to recovery. He's always had a sexual desire I don't share but otherwise our sex life for most of our marriage had been satisfying even beginning again during reconciliation.

What I found out last night though is that although he nearly lost everything and committed to sorting us out was that he was still indulging in his fantasy online (nothing illegal). I have no doubts that he loves me and wants to be married but I am now convinced he has a sexual addiction that he can't stop despite wanting to and wanting to be married. I care about him and love him and want to help him go to therapy etc - for him, for our daughter and her relationship with him as this is bound to affect that long-term, for us and finally for me because I don't want to compete with a fantasy (brimming over into reality if this girl's accusations are true which I think they could be) and I want to protect my health and well-being. I know I could walk away and a big part of me wants tobut that doesn't solve the problem. I feel sure his life will be blighted by it and perhaps our daughter's. The last sting in the tail is that there is a chance I am pregnant. Stupid and careless I know but I thought we were starting again and I've wanted 2 kids forever - and he said he did too - but faced with what I've unearthed I really don't want to be pregnant. Something I can't believe I'd ever say.

I am planning to talk to him tonight and would like for him to seek help. We have our next counselling session tomorrow and I firmly believe there's no point going unless this is going to be put on the table but whether he'll agree to that, I don't know. I imagine it's a shameful secret he's buried all his life but which, if he doesn't do something about will destroy all his relationships. 

Has anyone got any advice? Thanks x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964

My husband is a sex addict. It took him hiring a hooker and admitting it to me 5 months later, and me pointing it out to him in the heat of the moment (throwing it in his face actually) for him to finally seek help. Before that he would only admit to being a cybersex addict - cybersex addicts ARE sex addicts, but he was denying it. He had also struggled with it for years - indulging in phone sex while in college, lots of porn, then finally getting hooked up online (he actually got scammed, but the intent to meet up for sex was there) His addiction manifests itself when he feels isolated and alone.

Like other addicts, sex addicts often have to reach rock bottom before they will admit they need help. For my hubby, that was hiring the hooker. For your hubby, it could be something else. For many, it's the loss of a relationship or a job.

The best help is in the form of a certified sex addiction therapist. If you google 'certified sex addiction therapist' you will find many sites with listings of such professionals. If he will agree to see one, that would be a huge first step.

There are also 12 step programs for sex addicts. My hubby attends weekly meetings with Sex Addicts Anonymous. There are also others - there's a list here 12 Step Programs for Sexual Addiction and Love Addicts Each program has a slightly different philosophy, so he needs to find one that suits him. For example, Sexaholics Anonymous demand a 90 day abstinence from all forms of sex, which neither my husband nor I thought would benefit him. Sex Addicts Anonymous leaves the abstinence up to each person. An hour or two searching up info on each program will familiarize you with each program.

Patrick Carnes also has several books on sex addiction, cybersex addiction, and co-authored one for spouses with his wife. Most if not all are available for free download if you search them up. 

I wish you luck. My husband has a year and a half of sobriety under his belt, and was never as severe as many in his group, but being married to a sex addict is not something I wish on anyone.


----------



## sinkingfeeling

Hope1964 said:


> My husband is a sex addict. It took him hiring a hooker and admitting it to me 5 months later, and me pointing it out to him in the heat of the moment (throwing it in his face actually) for him to finally seek help. Before that he would only admit to being a cybersex addict - cybersex addicts ARE sex addicts, but he was denying it. He had also struggled with it for years - indulging in phone sex while in college, lots of porn, then finally getting hooked up online (he actually got scammed, but the intent to meet up for sex was there) His addiction manifests itself when he feels isolated and alone.
> 
> Like other addicts, sex addicts often have to reach rock bottom before they will admit they need help. For my hubby, that was hiring the hooker. For your hubby, it could be something else. For many, it's the loss of a relationship or a job.
> 
> The best help is in the form of a certified sex addiction therapist. If you google 'certified sex addiction therapist' you will find many sites with listings of such professionals. If he will agree to see one, that would be a huge first step.
> 
> There are also 12 step programs for sex addicts. My hubby attends weekly meetings with Sex Addicts Anonymous. There are also others - there's a list here 12 Step Programs for Sexual Addiction and Love Addicts Each program has a slightly different philosophy, so he needs to find one that suits him. For example, Sexaholics Anonymous demand a 90 day abstinence from all forms of sex, which neither my husband nor I thought would benefit him. Sex Addicts Anonymous leaves the abstinence up to each person. An hour or two searching up info on each program will familiarize you with each program.
> 
> Patrick Carnes also has several books on sex addiction, cybersex addiction, and co-authored one for spouses with his wife. Most if not all are available for free download if you search them up.
> 
> I wish you luck. My husband has a year and a half of sobriety under his belt, and was never as severe as many in his group, but being married to a sex addict is not something I wish on anyone.


Thanks for the advice and sorry you've been there too. I'm interested to see that you stuck around and are coming out the other side. I wasn't a marriage person until I met my husband and I do want to go down fighting and to believe I'm really not a terrible judge of character. 

I had a chat to him last night and he was fairly open (for him). He agrees it is a bit problem and that he probably needs counselling but he's so embarrassed about it. I said surely not as embarrassing as having to tell family and friends that your marriage was over? Which he got. He did say it had helped a bit talking to me and we both agreed it was a conversation we should have had years ago. He also mentioned about the 12 steps so he's obviously thought about things/done some research.

Annoyingly, counselling is cancelled today don't know what the weekend will bring. 

Good luck to you and your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

