# Please help...divorce because of baby???



## whatshouldido? (Mar 3, 2012)

Hi everyone. I really need some help here. I'll give you the brief rundown. My wife and I have been married for 1 1/2 years. We've been together over 5. My wife is 37 years old and I am 27. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

Before we got married we talked casually about children. I have never wanted to be a father. I know that sounds selfish but it's my life and I'm allowed to feel that way if I want. I don't want the added stress financially, emotionally or in any other form. I'm actually proud of myself for being so honest with myself. I personally don't like children. Never have. I'm incredibly dedicated to my career and have become extremly sucessfull. My wife has recently told me I need to either get on board with giving her a baby or we need to go our seperate ways. I think she is being a little selfish. She chose to be single in her late 20's and early 30's before meeting me. She claims she has always had a strong desire to be a mother and I'm wondering if thats so true why she chose to not get married until she was 35. One of the reasons I loved being with her other than the obvious is because I kind of always thought at her age she kind of accepted the fact she was past her fertile years and on board with my opinion on it. Well now she is coming at me full steam. She recently has taken herself off birth control and is constantly pressuring me to have sex all the time. We have not been fighting for the past 6 months up until this. Now it seems like every day we fight about our stances. I don't know what to do. I love this woman more than anything but I know if I give in and give her a child I will regret it for the rest of my life and I'm afraid I will be miserable. Part of me wants to think she is giving me an ultimatum and not going to follow thru on it. If I leave, shes 37 and single. How could she ever meet someone, get married, and get pregnant in time before its almost impossible? I'm very hurt by everything going on. I never imagined being divorced at 27 but I think its apparent my stubborn wife might be making that a possibility. She does not listen to my opinions on this at all. She quickly shuts me down and turns it into a fight and tells me to either give her a baby or move out. I'll be devestated if we break up and I'm worried about how I will handle it personally. But I'm also afraid that she is being way too stubborn for her own good and if we stay together she could resent me for the rest of my life. I'm devestated by whats going on here. Someone please help!


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Just as it's your right to not want to have children, it's her right to decide that she does. If you really are not open to the idea then do not go ahead. The world does not need one more child in it unloved and neglected by one of its parents.

You may change your mind when the baby comes, or you may not. Don't test it out if you're really that determind. If she wants a child and you don't, what can you do? Let her go so she can find a partner in life who does. It seems unfair but when it comes to children, which I'm really passionate about after my own and working in the youth justice system, I hate seeing children born into this world who aren't wanted.

She is being selfish yes but so are you in your own wants. You need to sit down and really sort this out. If you just can't agree, then you may just not be compatibile.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Just FYI...life doesn't stop moving for women when they hit 35..good grief man. 

Your wife has plenty of time to leave you, put herself out there and find a man who wants all the same things she does. 

No worries. You don't have to be the end of the road for her. 

Women are not on a clock anymore to hurry up and get married before their 20's are over.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If you went into the marriage knowing she wanted children and she went into the marriage knowing you didn't want children, well, there's not a lot of sympathy I'm afraid. You both set this up for yourselves. I'm assuming you had hoped maybe she would change her mind and she probably hoped you would change yours. Doesn't usually work out that way. 

You are very adament about not wanting any, and thats fine its your right. Just as it is her right to want children. So the way I see it is, if you give in and she has a child, you will not only live a life full of resentment towards your wife but towards the child as well. Not fair at all to the child. IF your wife gives in and gives up her dream to have children she will resent you as well. It will not be a good life for either of you either way. 

Thats how it usually is when two people are not on the same page. You can love her all your life, but as far as being a married couple with or without kids, doesn't sound like it will work. Set her free so she can have children like shes always wanted, and so you can go on with your life and maybe find someone who shares your views on children as well.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If you are not ready for children in your life, do not do it.

Let her go (even if it hurts). Her desire to have children will outweigh her feelings of abandonment if she REALLY wants kids.

Depending on her individual medical situation, most women can still have babies into their mid to late 40's.. even 50's... There is the increased risk of downssyndrome, but her and her obstetrician can discuss that. But, she can still have babies if she is a normal healthy 37 year old.

Let her go, so she can fullfill this need within her. But, do not contribute to a life that you do not want. If you do not want financial & lifestyle responsibility of a child right now.. DO NOT GIVE IN. Just walk away & let her go.

(sorry if this is very negative about the marriage pact), but it sounds like she changed her life goals after you were married. True, everyone changes and marriage needs give & take, but to me, this decision is one she is going to make , with or without you. Accept it & move out/on.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I'd divorce you to be honest. You can't deny women motherhood, it's an intrinsic part of their life. Financial and emotional stress are pitiful excuses.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

whatshouldido? said:


> She claims she has always had a strong desire to be a mother and I'm wondering if thats so true why she chose to not get married until she was 35.


You made too many assumptions. You were wrong then, and you are wrong now.



whatshouldido? said:


> One of the reasons I loved being with her other than the obvious is because I kind of always thought at her age she kind of accepted the fact she was past her fertile years and on board with my opinion on it.


Just a little bit of education about the female gender of our species that you are the one who needs to accept:

1. Women are absolutely NOT "past her fertile years" in their 30s. Not even close.

2. Her 30s are the prime years of a woman's life. You are past YOUR prime, but she is in the middle of hers.

3. Practically every woman on earth wants at least one child. It is her nature to want to become a mother.

4. While in her 30s, it is very, very common for women to experience very strong desire to have a baby. I was 31 and already had an 11 year old child. It took me a couple months of fighting that urge, but I eventually slapped myself back into reality and talked myself out of it. Your wife has no children and no reason to fight against the urge, especially since she says she has always wanted to have one. That makes it unlikely her overwhelming desire will pass as quickly as mine did or as quickly as you would like. It may never pass. She sounds determined.

It sounds like you made assumptions, rather than making a clear understanding between the two of you before you married. I don't find it at all selfish that you never want children. What I do find selfish is you thinking your wife should comply and thinking you can or even want to deny a woman something that is completely natural for her. And, it's awfully high-minded and imposing to think you can defy nature. You should not have married her just because you "thought" she thinks the same way you do.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

River, just some education for you....not all women want children. I know several women in my own circle who do not have or want children. You are very incorrect in your assumptions!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Most women though.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

tennisstar said:


> River, just some education for you....not all women want children. I know several women in my own circle who do not have or want children. You are very incorrect in your assumptions!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Huh?

Reading lesson #1 for tennisstar;



River1977 said:


> 3. *Practically every woman* on earth wants at least one child. It is her nature to want to become a mother.


That did not translate into "all women" in any language or idiom.


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## lovinmyhubby223 (Jan 31, 2012)

Obviously you two did not talk seriously about children before you got married or you would not be in this situation. 

Let her go!! Do not have a child that will inevitably end up in a single parent or step parent situation.

She is still young enough to find someone with whom she can have the children she desires and there are women out there (like myself) who do not want children so you’ll find someone that fits your desires as well.

Before you marry again have that talk SERIOUSLY, be sure you know her plans as far as children are concerned and be sure she knows where you firmly stand on the subject long before the wedding bells ring.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Whatever you do, don't agree to have kids if you're not 100% on wanting them! I made the mistake of caving to her desire to have kids when I didn't want them.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

DvlsAdv8 has a lot of experience with this. Read his thread. Hopefully you are not a cold person like him though. Think it through. Whatever decision you make will be for the rest of your life.


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

This is a really old thread, but I'm wondering what the OP eventually decided to do? I am in the same situation, but I am 2 yrs older than my DH and wanting a child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marnie said:


> This is a really old thread, but I'm wondering what the OP eventually decided to do? I am in the same situation, but I am 2 yrs older than my DH and wanting a child.


There is almost no chance that the OP will be coming back to tell us.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can PM him. Sometimes they answer


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

whatshouldido? said:


> Hi everyone. I really need some help here. I'll give you the brief rundown. My wife and I have been married for 1 1/2 years. We've been together over 5. My wife is 37 years old and I am 27. I'm sure you can see where this is going...
> 
> *Before we got married we talked casually about children.*


This was your first mistake. This should have been waaaaayyyy more than a casual discussion.


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