# Is it normal to think about death after divorce?



## girlyoungdivorced (Jun 24, 2017)

I got married and divorced at the age of 23 (long story). Now I'm 24, and although everyone keeps saying "You're young, you've got your entire life ahead of you", I've been thinking a lot about death and ageing. 

How I'm getting older every minute. How my neck and eyes already show some wrinkles. How my parents are getting older. I think about how (as in, what way) I will die and sometimes get paranoid about it. I think about whether I will die in a terrorist attack, in a plane crash, in a car accident, of a STD, who knows. When I was in love and married, I was fearless and brave. Now I obsess over terrorism, diseases and growing older. When I make plans, when I think about going abroad for some time, when I think about creating my own projects, when I think of falling in love again or just having sex with someone new...I just think...why should I bother? What for? It will only give me more disappointment, more pain, more failure.

I feel many things have come into play for me feeling like this. Firstly, getting divorced was something I absolutely did NOT want to do. I wanted to avoid it at ALL costs. It was my particular fear, because my parents are divorced (in fact, my dad got married 3 times) and the last thing I wanted was to have this label attached to me. I swore I would do anything to fight for my marriage and that I would never give up. But when it came down to it, I gave up as soon as I saw my mental sanity and my dignity threatened. Additionally, the day I signed those papers, I looked at my now ex-husband and it was the EXACT same feeling as looking at a corpse. I watched him smile, talk to the lawyer, gesturing, I memorized his eyes, his hair...and then I thought: "That's it. This is the last time I will ever see him or talk to him. He might as well be dead." It was an incredible feeling of not even being present. Just oversensitive. Just soaking it all up, the smells, the colors, the textures, his body. I couldn't believe this person who had been so important to me was about to vanish, just as quickly as he had entered my life. It was the saddest thing I had ever felt. Even now, just thinking about it, I can't stop crying. It is so violent, it is something nobody should ever have to go through, young or old.

Is it normal that I think about death this much? I don't regret getting a divorce, I know it had to be done and everyone around me understood my decision (in fact, my family and friends have been incredibly supportive) but I can't stop feeling so low and like nothing really matters.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think you sound depressed and might benefit from some counseling.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You have lost faith. What that means is you have lost the ability to trust. You see trust is not just something you have in a relationship, it extends to every part of your life. When trust is damaged it causes a person to believe there is nothing to trust in including health, finances, safety and so forth. What you must acknowledge and accept is that life is indeed uncertain. There is often very little you can do to alter it and you must therefore learn to trust in life and the largest part of that is trusting in yourself.

You seem to be somewhat analytical so you must learn to use that to your advantage instead of allowing it to diminish your trust. For instance, it is a foregone conclusion that you will someday pass on, we all must but look at the situation objectively. Statistically you are in the "safest" age group in regards to genetic diseases. As for STDs you have control over that in that you can choose whom to engage with, what safety precautions to use or not to engage at all until you are in a long term relationship and sure of your partners health.

As for accidents, statistically the highest percentage of accidents occur to people who are not fully engaged in their driving and therefore distracted. Again, you have some control over this situation in that you can prevent distractions and focus fully on the safe operation of the vehicle. So you see it is true that with some assistance from you, you really do have your whole life ahead of you. Trust in that but most importantly trust in yourself. And lastly, when selecting another candidate for relationship purposes, again you have some control over this. Use prudence and your analytical ability to see beyond "infatuation" and closely observe the individuals basic character, it will tell you volumes about their true nature. Good fortune to you.


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## girlyoungdivorced (Jun 24, 2017)

Hello, first I would like to thank you for taking the time to answer. 
I am currently seeing a psychologist, but since I really can't afford seeing her for more than once a month, I decided to share my thoughts here...but yes, I do know I am in a depressive state of mind and have taken action.


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## girlyoungdivorced (Jun 24, 2017)

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer...that means a lot to me. 
Yes, I do take pride in being (or at least I was) intelligent, rational and quite able to live practically. But my self-esteem was always quite low and I think it's showing. I will try my best to move forward.

Thank you again for your time.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I think the feelings you are having are normal, I felt the same way years ago when I got divorced. The key is to get over them. I'm happy to report there is life after divorce and it's good. What helped me was a good circle of friends to support me. Don't dwell on the past, move on to the future. There will be times of despair that creep in but as time goes on they fade away. Good luck and don't blame yourself for what happened.

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There are several things all coming together that are creating a perfect storm here. 

But before I get to that, I do want to congratulate you and give you an "atta-girl!" on your divorce. Wait, what??? Yes. You deserve a pat on the back for getting the divorce and following through with it. 

Now I know that divorces are not normally seen as something positive and that this may seem a bit strange. But the fact that you did something that you very *had* to do even though you clearly did not want to do it, is actually a sign of great strength, wisdom and character. 

That doesn't mean that it was easy, pleasant or did not take it's toll. It means that you are very strong and that you have the strength and character and wisdom to do what has to be done even though it is hard and unpleasant. 

So for that- good job. You deserve some praise and credit.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You need to fight. Really that is the bottom line. In a lot of ways happiness and hope is a choice. Fake it until you make it is a thing. A real thing. 

Also are you exercising? This is such a good way to help your sadness. It releases endorphins and gives you daily successes and obtainable goals. 

Next you need to get out there and start doing things you love. You want to carry these things with you through your entire live. You much never put all your hope and happiness into one person or relationship. This is a trap. 

Start to get use to and even enjoying the time alone. Enjoy the freedom, enjoy the confidence that brings. 

Finally if your situation isn't good then you need to make your goal right not to get out of your situation. That will help give you motivation, and once you do it will help bring happiness.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now to address your actual concerns. Several things are all coming together here.

For starters, your comparison of divorce to death is spot on. It IS like a death. It is the death of a number of dreams and life plans. It is the death of a significant relationship. And like a death, you may never see the person that was your spouse again.

Depending on the circumstances, that may be a GOOD thing, but that is a different topic.

But a divorce is like a death and you will react to it like one and you will go through a grief process like one.

As I said in my post above, even though you have had to get the divorce; that doesn't mean it wasn't heartbreaking, difficult and traumatic. 

Another thing that has taken place is you have grown up a lot. You have lost a lot of your youth and innocence. A part of that growing up process is losing your youthful sense of immortality and invulnerability. In your youth you feel indestructible and that nothing will hurt or kill you. Part of growing up is realizing you aren't invulnerable or immortal. That process and realization is often not fun at all.

And another thing coming into play is for some reason we all have this deep dark instinct that tells us that the person we are with is our one and only shot at true love and if that fails, we will never find love again and that will live the rest of our lives alone and isolated and we will die alone in some deplorable skid row apartment and get eaten by our cats.

I normally tell people to listen to their gut and listen to their little voice inside them, but this is the one case that the instinct is dead wrong and that little voice is full of $#!+.

You will have countless opportunities for love and joy and connection throughout your whole life. Every day is a new day that will bring a whole new world of opportunities. Just because one relationship ends, that does not negate the millions of other potential relationships that are out there. 

Everyone is spot on - you are young and you have the whole rest of your life ahead of you to be lived however you see fit.

When you are 87 years old, you will still have the whole rest of your life to live as you see fit. 

And BTW, my own grandmother married a fine man in her 70s a few years after my grandfather died, so I have seen firsthand that their is no expiration date on love.

All of these things are al coming together and hitting you all at once. That would send anyone staggering for the ropes a little bit, so yes, your feelings are normal and not surprising at all.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, what you are feeling is normal. Especially if it was something you did not want. I don't believe any of us go into a marriage thinking, "what the heck, let's give this a few years and then move on" No more likely we all think it is forever. We are conditioned to believe it is forever. In fact if you look around here long enough you will see that them repeat itself time and time again. But the reality is that nothing is forever. People change, you change, your ex changed, your circumstances changed etc. etc. We are not conditioned to accept change. But this is your opportunity to really find your true self. To really discover what it is that you want and why you want it. 
Right now you are depressed because change has smacked you in the face and turned your world upside down. 24 is young. I was married for longer than you have been alive. So your life is in no way over. It is just starting out. Spend each moment enjoying the journey. Be open to where it takes you and stop living in the past.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's more than likely just simple depression on your part and it will normally take a little bit of time to fully get over it!

Notwithstanding, put yourself out there socially, because when you come to find that special person who is our there for you, that depression that you're experiencing will suddenly and inexplicably go away!

Nothing heals a broken heart quicker than being in the throes of love!*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now just because it is normal to feel a certain way after something has happened, that does not mean that is where you want to be. 

For example, if you break your arm it is normal to experience great pain and debility. But that does not mean that you don't immediately seek treatment to fix it so you can get the pain reduced and get the used of your arm backas soon as possible. 

Keep seeking treatment and keep moving forward and this will all be behind you on a Tueday. We just don't know which Tuesday.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Besides seeing a therapist, what are you doing for yourself these days?

Do you exercise?

What is your social life like?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree that these feelings are normal. Even though you may not find pleasure in certain things you once did, it's important to find new and interesting hobbies you can engage in, with others.


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