# here we go again... warning light biology



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I remember this from when our first child was born. I have NO interest in sex. I am 9 days post hysterectomy with cervix removal. Obviously we are not having intercourse. The doc has given the a-ok to any kind of playfulness that does not involve penetration. 

The sticky wicket is weird indeed. For DH and I there are many facets to sex. Sometimes it is just fun rutting. It is also the most close we get. Beautiful sharing. Ten weeks is just to long to say skip it we will wait. I could just give him bjs, which he won't turn down. But it is not what he wants entirely. If it is just one sided all the time, we both feel disconnected. 

But I feel NOTHING sexual or even passionate. Going on a year of hormone meds to get a handle on my condition and now surgery, I just don't have ANY feelings of desire. My kisses are passionless. We are cuddling as much as ever, but I cannot even give him a deep kiss. 

Where is my fake it until I can make it foo? Worst case we wait it out until all the physical stuff is resolved. And that won't be the end of the world. He is completely understanding and is not pressuring me in the slightest. But I would love to be able to use this as an opportunity to learn new things and explore... but I am so
not
feeling
it

Anyone got some inspiration they want to punt my way?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

vthome,

I am sorry for your recent illness and such. I would just say the important thing is to really communicate with your husband to the point of almost "overcommunicating."

My ex-wife had a grade 4 episotomy that she never bothered to seek medical attention for. Among all the rest of our drama, this just exacerbated problems as intercourse was painful for her (although she told the bf she couldn't wait to have sex with him. . .complicated, huh?).

Anyway, I could deal without the sex if she was just affectionate.

Try the goal of affection even if the sexual lust is missing right now and again, keep overcommunicating what you are feeling b/c it's only natural after awhile for the husband to think it's him, something he did, something he's not doing.

Sex really isn't everything to a guy.

If in the end I had to had a asexual marriage but my wife loved me, I could have dealt with that.

WHat I couldn't deal with is intimacy withdrawn, no explanation, no affection, etc.

Those are my thoughts.

I think you'll get through it if you work together.

Good luck.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Thanks Scan man. Its not the sex I worry about, it is the risk of failing to show him I love him. I don't really understand it, but he already feels bad that HE feels sexual. 

I shall apply what you say. I suspect it is spot on.


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## smllngdy (Nov 29, 2010)

Did you have your ovaries removed? If not, then you should still have the hormones you had before surgery making it more likely it is an anesthesia effect or something unrelated to the surgery. If you did have your ovaries removed, it is most likely a hormone thing. Hormones can be so very frustrating.

Also get your vitamin D level checked. Many women are deficient and a deficiency in this vitamin can lead to a loss of libido. 

The other thing you might try is boosting your oxytocin and serotonin levels by increasing whatever you can do to promote intimacy. Intimacy increases the release of oxytocin which increases our sense of attachment to our spouses and serotonin which makes us feel safe and secure. If you feel bonded, you are more likely going to want to continue with the intimate activities to keep the levels up.

I really like this website Owning Pink | Get your mojo on. The author is a gynecologist and she has a lot of good ideas.

I hope this helps!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I'm thinking there a quite a few places he can have 'intercourse' with you. No not your butt! 

First the boobs, even if you are both just laying down on your sides facing each other, if you place your hand on top of him while he's between your boobs it feels the same as intercourse(and your mouth is close. 

Same with your butt cept he uses his own hand to press down. Still pretty amazing. Also between your thighs from behind you, grease the thighs up and you press him upwards with your greased palm.

You may not be able to handle this one but it could very well be beneficial to you both. Lay missionary style and instead of penetration he can just press against you and once again, if you take your hand and you force it against you he feels like he's penetrating, heat and all. 

The best way I know to get you yourself back into feeling it is to explore, you him and him you. At some point down the road in exploration you will feel a spark. Start at that point and work from there.

Even if it means him focusing all of his attn on that one part of you. Could literally be any one quarter-sized spot on your body that turns you back on and helps get you back on track.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Thanks all. Chefmaster, as graphic as that was, that was exactly the kind of thought I was hoping for.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Your welcome hon. I really was trying to tone it down


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

As lousy as having to have had the procedure must have been, I sincerely hope the health issues making it a requirement have been resolved.

I agree with NoLongerSad, keep the expectations in check - including his. Although I can understand your concern when you stop feeling something you know you used to feel pretty easily. It can make you feel less than whole. I'm personalizing, not suggesting that you aren't whole.

Tell hubs to break out some of the videos you made for him. Although chefmaster's suggestions sound pretty on the mark as well.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Thanks Deejo, yes the long term outloook is DANG good. All systems go.

HIS expectations are non-existent. It is all me. I DO feel less than whole. And certainly not attractive.

We will get there. Thanks for the help.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm sorry you are going through this, I will say your love for your h and his for you is very obvious. Like others I hope you recover your libido real soon.

I don't know and don't need to know if your ovaries were removed during the operation, I will say my big sister is an example of one woman who doesn't need her ovaries in order to want and exhaust her husband.




vthomeschoolmom said:


> I remember this from when our first child was born. I have NO interest in sex. I am 9 days post hysterectomy with cervix removal. Obviously we are not having intercourse. The doc has given the a-ok to any kind of playfulness that does not involve penetration.
> 
> The sticky wicket is weird indeed. For DH and I there are many facets to sex. Sometimes it is just fun rutting. It is also the most close we get. Beautiful sharing. Ten weeks is just to long to say skip it we will wait. I could just give him bjs, which he won't turn down. But it is not what he wants entirely. If it is just one sided all the time, we both feel disconnected.
> 
> ...


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

So sorry to hear you going through this my gal pal. I don't know where to begin since i've never advised anyone on this before. Your husband knows what you are going through and understands this time is difficult for you. So i say that you shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself because of your situation. That isn't being fair to yourself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

VT,
I read compulsively. Have done so for almost 40 years now. When I saw your post above it reminded me of one of my favorite stories of all time. It is a short story called "The gift of the magi". Ah the internet - truly it can be a wonderful place. Below is a link to the full text of the story. If I were you - I would read it together with my H. Truly it is a story for two, more than a story for one. 


The Gift of the Magi








vthomeschoolmom said:


> I remember this from when our first child was born. I have NO interest in sex. I am 9 days post hysterectomy with cervix removal. Obviously we are not having intercourse. The doc has given the a-ok to any kind of playfulness that does not involve penetration.
> 
> The sticky wicket is weird indeed. For DH and I there are many facets to sex. Sometimes it is just fun rutting. It is also the most close we get. Beautiful sharing. Ten weeks is just to long to say skip it we will wait. I could just give him bjs, which he won't turn down. But it is not what he wants entirely. If it is just one sided all the time, we both feel disconnected.
> 
> ...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Thanks you nice people. Funny turn of events. DH and I were talking last night. Two things came out of it.

- I have been feeling bad because he makes a lot of sexual jokes. He has been making the jokes not because he wants to have sex in particular or is asking for sex but *because it has always made ME laugh.*

- He has been bringing up alternate sexual activities because he feels that is how *I* feel loved and he did not want me to feel unloved or unattractive!

He wants to give me a back massage. 

Thanks folks. I appreciate your listening.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Thanks you nice people. Funny turn of events. DH and I were talking last night. Two things came out of it.
> 
> - I have been feeling bad because he makes a lot of sexual jokes. He has been making the jokes not because he wants to have sex in particular or is asking for sex but *because it has always made ME laugh.*
> 
> ...


I think that's just awesome


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