# Wife was a swinger and now I don’t know what to do



## Broken4321

My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We have 2 kids together. 

I found out 4 years into our relationship she had slept with her best friends husband multiple times early in our relaand it broke me. Before then I viewed her as this good girl and it all changed. She did share her sexual last and it was quite bad. 

She expressed a desire to try swinging and I went along. I’m not sure why. A part of me found it exciting sure but I wanted her to be happy.

Fast forward 4 more years and she had almost 50 sexual partners and I had ZERO. It became almost a drug I guess but without it she was depressed and unhappy but with it she was fun and exciting.

On the morning of my 40th birthday she had 2 guys come over one after the other for her to sleep with. I was concerned about her being alone with strangers and told her I at least wanted to be there for her safety. She was angry and said if I had to be there to at least hide in the kids bedroom and be quiet since she didn’t want them to think she wasn’t alone. When she shut the door and left me alone in there was probably one of the worse moments in my life.

I had to go to work and then coach our kids sports game later in the day. That night I tried twice to get her to come to bed with me and both times she said she wasn’t tired and just played on her phone.

The next morning it was like the worse realization I ever had. I hated who I had become. I hated how I allowed myself to be treated. We lived a comfortable life and I provided for everything she wanted from hobbies to anything. She didn’t work or want for anything. I felt like the biggest loser on the planet. I’m in very good shape and we have zero sexual issues so it isn’t like she had to find it anywhere else. 

We’ve been in marriage counseling now for almost a year. She has been moved out the entire time. In this past year I guess all I’ve wanted is to see that she really did love me and want me. At times I guess its there I don’t know.

I had given up on our marriage and said so in counseling and began to see someone else and she was ballistic. She went so far as to go to her job and try to fight her. It was so embarrassing.
The sad part is I guess I know I should follow through with the divorce. I offered her beyond fair terms since I won’t drag us through court. If we signed the papers today she would have a higher net worth than me and never worked but in return I want to see my kids more. The thing is I still want and desire her. To the point where nothing else seems to matter, myself included. 

Our counselor told me sometimes divorce is the better option but ultimately it’s my decision to make. She says she wants to stay and I believe her but I feel like she is fighting for what she had and I don’t want what we we had at all. Regardless of the sexual stuff I want to be loved. I want to be respected and appreciated. I don’t want to be anybody else’s doormat ever again. He says I tried to pay for her happiness with my unhappiness. I guess I did I don’t know. 
Advice? It’ll be what everyone else says but it doesn’t seem to matter. Given the nature of all that’s happened there isn’t really anyone for me to talk to. Thanks for reading.


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## Married but Happy

It sounds like she cheated _after_ you married, got you to agree to swinging, but she did that alone _without_ you. The cheating would be a deal breaker for me. And swinging is _usually_ something a couple does _together_, with another couple (although there are many variations and combinations for playing alone, threesomes, etc., *if* you agree to them; we were swingers for many years, but without the problems you're facing). It also sounds like you're both well on the way to divorce, with her already moved out for some time (and you know she's seeing other guys during this time). IMO, you should file and work towards moving past this so you can eventually find a healthy relationship.


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## Casual Observer

Let.
Her.
Go.

You did not know who she was before you got married, and you don't want to face who she is now. You tried to change who you are, to accommodate her, but that's NOT who you are. There is nothing there for you that will not tear you apart if you stay married to her. She will always want freedom to have sex anytime with whomever she chooses, and you want "her" but not the "her" she really is. Move on, quickly. Get the divorce and get some really good IC because you have to focus the next 10+ years on your kids, not her. Clean break. She can't be your friend because she has sex with "friends" and you can't have sex with her, again, ever.

This is a nightmare scenario. My heart goes out to you.


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## Anastasia6

There is so much more waiting for you after this divorce.
There are plenty of women looking for a good father and husband that will love you and show you love.
Divorce and then spend some time deciding what you want. What boundaries you need to set with yourself and with any future relationship.


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## sokillme

This is silly, divorce. You are not compatible and she is a liar. End of story.

I mean you can seriously expect anything better right? Nah you have to be assertive for that. You are exactly where you should be, where you want to be and you have no one to blame but yourself. Every action you take says I afraid so do whatever you want to me, your wife knows that. Unless you learn to stand up for yourself and see you have some self worth posting this is just wasting everyone's time.

She doesn't even sound like any swinger I have heard of she just sounds crazy.

If she is really upset tell her you willing to be her swing partner for a while. She will get tired of you eventually.


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## Andy1001

Your wife isn’t a swinger, she’s a sex addict.


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## Kamstel2

If your counselor is telling you that divorce is sometimes a better option....!


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## Edmund

Andy1001 said:


> Your wife isn’t a swinger, she’s a sex addict.


This is not swinging. With swinging, husband and wife's partners would be more equal. If your number is zero, this would be like "hotwifing", only that is normally something the husband enjoys (sick, I know), whereas you are miserable. You say she has been moved out for a year. Does she have the kids? Or do you? This is a case for divorce if there ever was one. Don't be a doormat any more. Take everything you can get including custody of the children. This is non-ethical non-monogamy. I can't believe you still want her after your 40 birthday experience.


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## Divinely Favored

How do you know the children are yours biologically?


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## Turtle2020

Thank you for sharing your story. Based on the information provided, you sound extremely unhappy in this union, and I am sorry to hear what you are both going through. One thing I am wondering is why you couldn't proceed with the divorce prior to seeing someone- although separated, you are still a married man. It sounds like there has been alot of pain due to the multiple partners, however, you did state that you went along with it. That doesn't make it okay, but in her eyes, you were okay with it, at least in the beginning. I hope you have been able to express your concerns and feelings regarding the multiple partners in counseling. If you have kids together, and you are worried about them, you would be surprised how resilient children can be. I have worked with children ages 7 - 18 for several years, and with love and support can pull through emotionally. It was hard for me to take the first step too, but I also recently turned 40 years old and just filed my divorce paperwork last week. It is hard at first, and you will go through a sort of mourning period, but you will feel so much better. I am sending you positive energy, and I promise- this too shall pass.


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## sokillme

Edmund said:


> This is not swinging. With swinging, husband and wife's partners would be more equal. If your number is zero, this would be like "hotwifing", only that is normally something the husband enjoys (sick, I know), whereas you are miserable. You say she has been moved out for a year. Does she have the kids? Or do you? This is a case for divorce if there ever was one. Don't be a doormat any more. Take everything you can get including custody of the children. This is non-ethical non-monogamy. I can't believe you still want her after your 40 birthday experience.


The word for it is cheating.


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## Openminded

Yes, you should get out (although my guess is that you won’t). Of course she wants to stay. Why wouldn’t she since all of this works for her. The problem is that it doesn’t work for you. That’s what you need to focus on.


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## oldshirt

of course she wants to stay, why wouldn't she? she gets everything provided to her including a wagon train of boy toys to play with. She has it made. Why wouldn't she want to keep her cuckold gravy train around? Duh. 

You simply need to take your life back do what you need to do for you. 

This is dumb. 

She is basically a parasite sucking your blood. Get her off of you like you would flick off a leech or mosquito or something and then get yourself into therapy to try to determine why you have such low self esteem and lack of self respect. 

Do that before you start dating so you don't fall prey to another narcissist.


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## oldshirt

And also change the title of this thread. She is not a swinger (at best she is narcissistic sociopath) and you know damn well what to do. You just don't want to do it because it will cause some disruption and discomfort.


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## Heart Break

Broken4321 said:


> Regardless of the sexual stuff I want to be loved. I want to be respected and appreciated. I don’t want to be anybody else’s doormat ever again. He says I tried to pay for her happiness with my unhappiness. I guess I did I don’t know.


I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Please read this paragraph again and again and again until you will really believe it. Because meanwhile your actions are different that your words. You want to be loved, you want to be respected. Each time you are feeling that you want her back, read this again. Each time you feel that you cannot live without her, read this. Unless you will start to respect yourself first, unfortunately she will not respect you either. I cannot even imagine how you felt in this crazy situation but you sound like a reasonable person. So think how and with whom you really want to spend your days with. Stay strong


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## notmyjamie

Not only would I divorce her in a hot minute I would NOT give her all my money. She can get a job. Do not set her up for life. That’s insane. Give her what she’s entitled to by law and then go find someone who shares your views on marriage.

Good luck!!!


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## Mr.Married

That’s not swinging... that’s cheating in front your face with your permission.
Dude... get a divorce


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## ah_sorandy

Well, I'm stuck within a sex-less marriage. My wife has ALWAYS been LD! And now, ND!

Form my point of view as a very HD man, as long as I was getting my fair share of sex from her, as well as having swing fun with other women, I might put up with it. LOL 

Not being in that real life situation, it is hard to say if I really would put up with it.

She is a sex addict. If that's not you, and if you can't live with it, file for divorce ASAP.

Lawyer up and try not to give up too much financially.


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## DownByTheRiver

Most judges grant joint custody, so there's absolutely no reason you can't get joint custody of the kids, and you definitely should. that will mean you have them three and a half days a week and she has them three and a half days a week and the days won't be up to you but are usually just divided equally between weekdays and weekends.

If your attorney isn't accomplishing that for you something is wrong. Because that is kind of the default. given her bringing strange men into the house if she is doing that, that only strengthens your case to get joint custody.

You do need to get out of this if for no other reason but that to show your kids a more normal lifestyle for them to model after.

and I should add that if you're sharing custody of the kids half and half there's no reason for you need to pay her a whole lot more money. That would only be if she mostly had the kids and you didn't. Your attorney should never let that happen. I have a feeling it's you sort of fighting the attorney on this stuff for some reason because you seem to have regrets about it all.


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## Broken4321

Thanks to everyone

We have been seeing a counselor this entire time but it’s a 3 hour round trip since she didn’t want to see anyone local. At the first visit I was done and said so, I was only there to mend a workable relationship for our kids sake. 
Over time that changed some. I tried for a couple of months but it seemed like the manipulation and the treatment was returning to the old ways. 
Now it seems as though we’re stuck. I’m forced to be the bad guy who ran his wife off since nobody knows any of the truth. My kids ask me if I’m gonna let mommy come back home and it’s hard. My feelings for her haven’t changed but I can’t allow myself to be treated that way. She insists it’ll be different and she wants to change but I don’t know. I don’t know if I can live with all that’s happened. She wants to pretend it didn’t happen and bury it but that doesn’t help me. When we try to talk about it even at counseling he says we aren’t able to yet that there is too much pain and hurt there for both of us. Then when? She thinks I want to talk about it only to make her feel bad but that’s not it at all. I can’t live a lie and I surely can’t pretend it didn’t happen.


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## Robert22205

You guys didn't swing - sounds more like cuckolding or hot wiving activities. Very one sided and unfair to you - and disrespectful to you.

She's not going to suddenly want to give up a life of leisure and sex with multiple partners - while you support her and babysit.


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## Andy1001

You’re wife needs lots of sex, every day, and you will never be able to fulfill her needs. 
When she decides that she wants to change she will probably want to start over in a new city and may or may not want her kids. 
She will not want you.


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## notmyjamie

I’d advise telling your kids the truth in that while you will always care about Mommy you and she are just too different to live together but that you’ll both always love the kids. Make sure they know it is not at all because of anything they’ve done.


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## Tdbo

I can see why she wants to hang on to you.
You two have an excellent relationship* for her benefit*.
She had an affair with the husband of* her best friend*. You take her back.
She then manipulates you into an open relationship (swinging, my ass.) You allow her to play you.
She thanks you by having multiple guys come* into your home on your 40th birthday* to service her.
Did she at least do you the courtesy of changing the sheets after she soiled your bed?
In this alleged "Swinging" relationship, you finally catch some traction and get some. She goes to the Woman's job and tries to kick her ass.
What have you gotten out of this relationship except abused, cheated upon, cuckolded, humiliated, disrespected and lied to?
Have some pride in yourself. Find the biggest SOB of an attorney you can find and divorce this S'itch promptly.
Have her served cold and bold. She doesn't think you have it in you.
Take every cent you are entitled to and then some. Find a shyster CPA or financial guy that can offer expertise as to how you can make this happen.
Make her sorry ass pay. You and your kids deserve better.. Much better.


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## Mr.Married

Your helping keep it under cover for her. It’s like the spouse of an alcoholic that keeps the problems hidden. You have not given her full accountability


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## oldshirt

Broken4321 said:


> Thanks to everyone
> 
> We have been seeing a counselor this entire time but it’s a 3 hour round trip since she didn’t want to see anyone local. At the first visit I was done and said so, I was only there to mend a workable relationship for our kids sake.
> Over time that changed some. I tried for a couple of months but it seemed like the manipulation and the treatment was returning to the old ways.
> Now it seems as though we’re stuck. I’m forced to be the bad guy who ran his wife off since nobody knows any of the truth. My kids ask me if I’m gonna let mommy come back home and it’s hard. My feelings for her haven’t changed but I can’t allow myself to be treated that way. She insists it’ll be different and she wants to change but I don’t know. I don’t know if I can live with all that’s happened. She wants to pretend it didn’t happen and bury it but that doesn’t help me. When we try to talk about it even at counseling he says we aren’t able to yet that there is too much pain and hurt there for both of us. Then when? She thinks I want to talk about it only to make her feel bad but that’s not it at all. I can’t live a lie and I surely can’t pretend it didn’t happen.


I don't know if she is such a masterful manipulator that you haven't caught on that you are being played, or if you are so weak and spineless that you know but refuse to do anything about it. 

Are you ignorant/dumb/pathologically naive or are you so emasculated and weak that you are unable to advocate for yourself?


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## Turtle2020

I understand the perspective of wanting to stay in it for the kids- I have known many people (colleagues and friends) that tried to do that. Just be careful, because it may lead to feelings of resentment, and becoming even more "stuck", instead of movinng forward with your life. My (ex) husband is exhibiting similar behavior- forgetting how he contributed to the issues, wanting to pretend they never happened, and manipulating events in order to blame me, absolving himself of any responsibility. Please put alot of thought in how you proceed- someone that wants to pretend nothing happened, can't learn from the ways each individual (including themself) contributed to the issues in order to move forward. I wish you the best.


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## sokillme

Broken4321 said:


> Thanks to everyone
> 
> We have been seeing a counselor this entire time but it’s a 3 hour round trip since she didn’t want to see anyone local. At the first visit I was done and said so, I was only there to mend a workable relationship for our kids sake.
> Over time that changed some. I tried for a couple of months but it seemed like the manipulation and the treatment was returning to the old ways.
> Now it seems as though we’re stuck. I’m forced to be the bad guy who ran his wife off since nobody knows any of the truth. My kids ask me if I’m gonna let mommy come back home and it’s hard. My feelings for her haven’t changed but I can’t allow myself to be treated that way. She insists it’ll be different and she wants to change but I don’t know. I don’t know if I can live with all that’s happened. She wants to pretend it didn’t happen and bury it but that doesn’t help me. When we try to talk about it even at counseling he says we aren’t able to yet that there is too much pain and hurt there for both of us. Then when? She thinks I want to talk about it only to make her feel bad but that’s not it at all. I can’t live a lie and I surely can’t pretend it didn’t happen.


So tell them the truth! Again this is no one else's fault but your own. Stand up for yourself! You are not the bad guy. Seriously dude this it's hard to believe anyone can be this passive. What exactly is the benefit? Name one?


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## Broken4321

I miss her. As stupid and silly as that sounds it’s just the truth. The counselor says I’m misinterpreting that I miss her to mean that I want her back. He says I should miss her, she was a huge part of my life for years but missing someone and wanting them back are two separate things. 
The odd thing is I’m actually quite assertive in daily life in everything but my relationship. He asked her if she could ever remember me telling her no and she couldn’t, he said he would be surprised if I ever did. I sought my happiness in her happiness. If she was happy then I would be happy but as time went on I was further marginalized and disrespected. 
I know if I had to give myself advice I’d advise to divorce and move on. The funny thing is it isn’t what I want. I’m left with what I know is the best decision and the other choice being what I want. 
People have overcome more I’m sure then at times I feel like I’m being weak. That I should be strong enough to accept what has happened and keep my family together. I grew up with divorced parents and swore I would stick it out but now I’m really struggling to do that. I would never stay just for the kids as that never works. 
I suppose it’s just a vent in some sort of way. I have no intentions of telling what has happened. There is no way to hurt her that doesn’t hurt my kids and I simply won’t do that. I’d rather be the bad guy in everyone else’s eyes. 
A year separated is a long time and if there was hope surely it would have manifested by now. It’s unfair that when I started seeing someone else people were saying how I was the one running around. She didn’t even bother to correct them. The deacon is a good friend and he asked me if I was seeing someone else and I said yes. He asked if that was the reason for our separation and I told him no. I told him we preferred to keep our personal problems between us but that it wasn’t my fault. He asked if I was ok with everyone thinking badly of me and I said I’d rather people think poorly of me than her. He said what bothered him the most isn’t that I was ok with that but that she was.


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## michzz

You do not have to keep her disturbing secret life any more. Air the dirty laundry, get a lawyer and divorce her.

Get tested for STDs, get your kids DNAed and move off from this disgusting person.

Your lawyer can get full custody if what you say is true, that she is shagging strange men constantly. No a healthy place for children!

Not a healthy place for you either!


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## MattMatt

She needs to be seen by a psychiatrist for evaluation.


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## Welsh15

Broken4321 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We have 2 kids together.
> 
> I found out 4 years into our relationship she had slept with her best friends husband multiple times early in our relaand it broke me. Before then I viewed her as this good girl and it all changed. She did share her sexual last and it was quite bad.
> 
> She expressed a desire to try swinging and I went along. I’m not sure why. A part of me found it exciting sure but I wanted her to be happy.
> 
> Fast forward 4 more years and she had almost 50 sexual partners and I had ZERO. It became almost a drug I guess but without it she was depressed and unhappy but with it she was fun and exciting.
> 
> On the morning of my 40th birthday she had 2 guys come over one after the other for her to sleep with. I was concerned about her being alone with strangers and told her I at least wanted to be there for her safety. She was angry and said if I had to be there to at least hide in the kids bedroom and be quiet since she didn’t want them to think she wasn’t alone. When she shut the door and left me alone in there was probably one of the worse moments in my life.
> 
> I had to go to work and then coach our kids sports game later in the day. That night I tried twice to get her to come to bed with me and both times she said she wasn’t tired and just played on her phone.
> 
> The next morning it was like the worse realization I ever had. I hated who I had become. I hated how I allowed myself to be treated. We lived a comfortable life and I provided for everything she wanted from hobbies to anything. She didn’t work or want for anything. I felt like the biggest loser on the planet. I’m in very good shape and we have zero sexual issues so it isn’t like she had to find it anywhere else.
> 
> We’ve been in marriage counseling now for almost a year. She has been moved out the entire time. In this past year I guess all I’ve wanted is to see that she really did love me and want me. At times I guess its there I don’t know.
> 
> I had given up on our marriage and said so in counseling and began to see someone else and she was ballistic. She went so far as to go to her job and try to fight her. It was so embarrassing.
> The sad part is I guess I know I should follow through with the divorce. I offered her beyond fair terms since I won’t drag us through court. If we signed the papers today she would have a higher net worth than me and never worked but in return I want to see my kids more. The thing is I still want and desire her. To the point where nothing else seems to matter, myself included.
> 
> Our counselor told me sometimes divorce is the better option but ultimately it’s my decision to make. She says she wants to stay and I believe her but I feel like she is fighting for what she had and I don’t want what we we had at all. Regardless of the sexual stuff I want to be loved. I want to be respected and appreciated. I don’t want to be anybody else’s doormat ever again. He says I tried to pay for her happiness with my unhappiness. I guess I did I don’t know.
> Advice? It’ll be what everyone else says but it doesn’t seem to matter. Given the nature of all that’s happened there isn’t really anyone for me to talk to. Thanks for reading.


You are a ****. You need to run, and run fast away from her. Let your attorneys argue over custody


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## sokillme

Broken4321 said:


> I miss her. As stupid and silly as that sounds it’s just the truth. The counselor says I’m misinterpreting that I miss her to mean that I want her back. He says I should miss her, she was a huge part of my life for years but missing someone and wanting them back are two separate things.
> The odd thing is I’m actually quite assertive in daily life in everything but my relationship. He asked her if she could ever remember me telling her no and she couldn’t, he said he would be surprised if I ever did. I sought my happiness in her happiness. If she was happy then I would be happy but as time went on I was further marginalized and disrespected.
> I know if I had to give myself advice I’d advise to divorce and move on. The funny thing is it isn’t what I want. I’m left with what I know is the best decision and the other choice being what I want.
> People have overcome more I’m sure then at times I feel like I’m being weak. That I should be strong enough to accept what has happened and keep my family together. I grew up with divorced parents and swore I would stick it out but now I’m really struggling to do that. I would never stay just for the kids as that never works.
> I suppose it’s just a vent in some sort of way. I have no intentions of telling what has happened. There is no way to hurt her that doesn’t hurt my kids and I simply won’t do that. I’d rather be the bad guy in everyone else’s eyes.
> A year separated is a long time and if there was hope surely it would have manifested by now. It’s unfair that when I started seeing someone else people were saying how I was the one running around. She didn’t even bother to correct them. The deacon is a good friend and he asked me if I was seeing someone else and I said yes. He asked if that was the reason for our separation and I told him no. I told him we preferred to keep our personal problems between us but that it wasn’t my fault. He asked if I was ok with everyone thinking badly of me and I said I’d rather people think poorly of me than her. He said what bothered him the most isn’t that I was ok with that but that she was.


You sound just as addicted as her. What you have is not love. You need to see your codependency. You will never really experience love in your life if you allow yourself to be abused. There can be no love without respect.

Oh and DNA test your kids.


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## notmyjamie

You don’t really miss her. You miss who you wish she really was...but she’s not that person. She brought strangers into your house to **** while you listened from another room. Trust me when I say...that is not the act of a loving wife. Distance yourself, divorce and move on. Find a woman who shares your view of what a true marriage is an you’ll be so much happier.

She has brainwashed you into thinking it’s your job to give into her every whim. But has she EVER thought about your needs or whims? I already know the answer. Please, please...move on and find happiness.

You need some therapy to understand why you’d allow such complete and utter disrespect of you from your wife before you find a new relationship so you don’t make the same mistake again.

Life will be SO much better on the other side. Be brave enough to grab for it!!!!


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## Tdbo

Broken4321 said:


> I miss her. As stupid and silly as that sounds it’s just the truth. The counselor says I’m misinterpreting that I miss her to mean that I want her back. He says I should miss her, she was a huge part of my life for years but missing someone and wanting them back are two separate things.
> The odd thing is I’m actually quite assertive in daily life in everything but my relationship. He asked her if she could ever remember me telling her no and she couldn’t, he said he would be surprised if I ever did. I sought my happiness in her happiness. If she was happy then I would be happy but as time went on I was further marginalized and disrespected.
> I know if I had to give myself advice I’d advise to divorce and move on. The funny thing is it isn’t what I want. I’m left with what I know is the best decision and the other choice being what I want.
> People have overcome more I’m sure then at times I feel like I’m being weak. That I should be strong enough to accept what has happened and keep my family together. I grew up with divorced parents and swore I would stick it out but now I’m really struggling to do that. I would never stay just for the kids as that never works.
> I suppose it’s just a vent in some sort of way. I have no intentions of telling what has happened. There is no way to hurt her that doesn’t hurt my kids and I simply won’t do that. I’d rather be the bad guy in everyone else’s eyes.
> A year separated is a long time and if there was hope surely it would have manifested by now. It’s unfair that when I started seeing someone else people were saying how I was the one running around. She didn’t even bother to correct them. The deacon is a good friend and he asked me if I was seeing someone else and I said yes. He asked if that was the reason for our separation and I told him no. I told him we preferred to keep our personal problems between us but that it wasn’t my fault. He asked if I was ok with everyone thinking badly of me and I said I’d rather people think poorly of me than her. He said what bothered him the most isn’t that I was ok with that but that she was.


Why are you worried about protecting her?
She isn't concerned about protecting you.
Out of morbid curiosity, does she even want to stay in the marriage? What is she willing to do to make amends?
I'll bet nada, zip, zilch.
Think about your kids.
You are their role model.
Would you want your kids to be treated the way you are by their spouse?
Would you want your kids to be in the kind of marriage you are in?
Set the example for them, if not for yourself.


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## Broken4321

I’ve had DNA tests done and they’re all mine so no worries there. 
She does wish to save the marriage but I can’t help but feel like she is fighting to keep what she had when I don’t want what we had. She hasn’t dated or seen anyone that I know of in the past year we’ve been separated but the way she talks to me hasn’t changed. The way she treats me hasn’t changed. I haven’t seen any real regret over what has happened. She is very much into her own feelings but there doesn’t seem to be room for anyone else’s. He has told her to be a chance at saving this she is going to have to address the pain and hurt it’s caused me but she avoids it. He feels like she avoids it due to her own shame. 
It’s all a mess and I accept and take responsibility for the role I played in it. I can’t accept the way she treated me though. My birthday was a happy day for her and one of the worse days ever for me. She didn’t so much as get me a card, cake or anything. She didn’t even have sex with me. That’s a difficult thing to come back from.


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## VladDracul

Got a couple of questions Broken. 
1. When did you give her the "hall pass"?. 
2. You say you have zero swinging partners. When the other party's husband/boyfriend is banging your wife, does the their wife/girlfriend turn you down?
3. Do you get to watch or participate in a threesome or are you the odd man out?
4. Do you find it stimulating to know your wife is banging other men or when she tells you about her encounters?
5. Does she provide you with sufficient poon tang or does she have you on a diet?
6. Do you find it especially "hot" to go down on her right after she bangs another guy?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Unless your kids are adults, I can tell you that the biggest pet peeve of family law judges are parents who drag their kids into their adult problems. If you do that, it will be a big strike against you. All your kids need to know is that you aren't compatible in some ways that have nothing to do with them. 

Kids can't understand this type of thing. Don't even think about putting that on them.


----------



## jlg07

Broken4321 said:


> Thanks to everyone
> 
> We have been seeing a counselor this entire time but it’s a 3 hour round trip since she didn’t want to see anyone local. At the first visit I was done and said so, I was only there to mend a workable relationship for our kids sake.
> Over time that changed some. I tried for a couple of months but it seemed like the manipulation and the treatment was returning to the old ways.


Why does SHE get to pick the counselor? YOU get to pick -- shouldn't matter if they are local.
It's returning to the old ways Because she is NOT a good partner. It will revert back if you don't stand up to this and divorce her. Realize, this is who she is -- not your idealized version of who she "used" to be.



> Now it seems as though we’re stuck. I’m forced to be the bad guy who ran his wife off since nobody knows any of the truth.


WHY does nobody know this? Tell your family and HER family why you are divorcing. YOU should not be the bad guy -- and you need to protect YOUR reputation from what SHE is going to try to lie to everyone about. You don't want this life, you didn't want it, she manipulated you INTO this -- she manipulated you into accepting that she was cheating on you. She used YOUR love for her against you.



> My kids ask me if I’m gonna let mommy come back home and it’s hard. My feelings for her haven’t changed but I can’t allow myself to be treated that way. She insists it’ll be different and she wants to change but I don’t know.


It won't. LOOK at the "gift" she gave you for your 40th -- banging TWO GUYS in your own house? In your marital BED? She won't change -- she's once again trying to manipulate you into accepting this.
You may want to get counseling for your kids (don't know how old they are) -- they need to be told in an age-appropriate way that their mother did something that hurt you badly. A counselor can help you explain it to them and help THEM work through things.
Another thing -- do you want your kids to think that your marriage is how a relationship should be? They will see YOU as being strong and NOT willing to put up with the disrespect if you leave.

I would BET that she is still out banging other guys. Get a PI and you will find out quick enough.



> I don’t know if I can live with all that’s happened. She wants to pretend it didn’t happen and bury it but that doesn’t help me.


This is called rug-sweeping. If you allow it, NOTHING WILL CHANGE -- she will know that you won't give any repercussions to any bad behavior and it WILL continue. She may try to hide it better, but it will continue.



> When we try to talk about it even at counseling he says we aren’t able to yet that there is too much pain and hurt there for both of us. Then when? She thinks I want to talk about it only to make her feel bad but that’s not it at all. I can’t live a lie and I surely can’t pretend it didn’t happen.


Boo hoo -- SHE FEELS BAD? She forced you to "stay" in the kids room while she banged TWO GUYS in your marital bed? What does she have to feel bad about? She just feels bad that the gravy train is going to come to a halt.

You sound a bit co-dependent that you can't get this AWFUL woman out of your life. She isn't a good wife, ISN'T a good mother (no matter what you say -- a good mother doesn't do this to her family).


Make sure your lawyer protects YOU and doesn't set HER up for life. YOU need to protect YOUR finances and YOUR children. Do you really want to give her enough money that she can continue having tons of free time to go bang guys? Let HER get a job and see what type of sacrifices YOU'VE made.


----------



## jlg07

notmyjamie said:


> You don’t really miss her. You miss who you wish she really was...but she’s not that person. She brought strangers into your house to **** while you listened from another room. Trust me when I say...that is not the act of a loving wife. Distance yourself, divorce and move on. Find a woman who shares your view of what a true marriage is an you’ll be so much happier.
> 
> She has brainwashed you into thinking it’s your job to give into her every whim. But has she EVER thought about your needs or whims? I already know the answer. Please, please...move on and find happiness.
> 
> You need some therapy to understand why you’d allow such complete and utter disrespect of you from your wife before you find a new relationship so you don’t make the same mistake again.
> 
> Life will be SO much better on the other side. Be brave enough to grab for it!!!!


^^^^ THIS.
You don't KNOW her -- she is showing you NOW who she is -- is that REALLY how you want to live? You let HER sully YOUR reputation, and SHE IS THE ONE AT FAULT. YOU will not hurt the kids - - her actions have ALREADY done that. YOu need to make the story crystal clear, because it's going to come back on YOU AND YOUR KIDS that you are a cheater. You REALLY need to get that cleared up. You need to go talk with the deacon again about this and correct his mis-information.

You should be going to individual counseling as @notmyjamie says -- WHY would you put up with this?


----------



## Broken4321

No hall pass it started as what our sexual fantasies were.
No never turned down lol. I realize it’s the internet and all but I’m actually fairly attractive and in good shape. From the nutritionist last week I’m 6’, 204 lbs and 12.5 % body fat. We met a few couples but she always had a problem with the female for whatever reason. Single guys are a dime a dozen in the “lifestyle”. 
I did participate a few times but I didn’t like it or enjoy it. I stopped doing that for that reason. 
When it was going on she would be exceptionally sexual. She would really make an effort to be sexual and our sex life was always great then. When it would stop i guess it was maybe akin to a drug addict without their drug. She would be depressed and our sex life would suffer then. 

We had a lot of sex on average. I’d estimate
3-5 times a week I suppose. She had a high sex drive obviously. 

No the whole humiliation and **** thing was very much a turnoff for me. I didn’t participate in that. I enjoyed seeing her excited and happy. I know it sounds weird and believe me I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting back on it. The very first time it happened was a huge fight. I was so upset but she wasnt. She had a good time. She convinced me to try it again that she would make sure to not make me upset and obviously I fell for it. There were so many fights about it. I can’t help but feel like one fight should have been enough to stop but I guess the fun she had outweighed the hurt it caused me. The day after my birthday felt like I had been living in a pitch black room and someone turned the light on and when they did I was disgusted by what I saw. I was absolutely disgusted by what I had become.


----------



## jlg07

Broken4321 said:


> She convinced me to try it again that she would make sure to not make me upset and obviously I fell for it.


No, she MANIPULATED you to do this. Since her cheating has been going on since before you get married, I would make sure to DNA test the children. You can say "no they look like me" but you WILL NEVER KNOW, especially with a woman who lies and manipulates like this.

PLEASE correct this with the deacon, if he is your good friend. You need support and you NEED to make sure this doesn't fall on YOU.


----------



## Mr.Married

You need a divorce and therapy


----------



## sokillme

Broken4321 said:


> I’ve had DNA tests done and they’re all mine so no worries there.
> She does wish to save the marriage but I can’t help but feel like she is fighting to keep what she had when I don’t want what we had. She hasn’t dated or seen anyone that I know of in the past year we’ve been separated but the way she talks to me hasn’t changed. The way she treats me hasn’t changed. I haven’t seen any real regret over what has happened. She is very much into her own feelings but there doesn’t seem to be room for anyone else’s. He has told her to be a chance at saving this she is going to have to address the pain and hurt it’s caused me but she avoids it. He feels like she avoids it due to her own shame.
> It’s all a mess and I accept and take responsibility for the role I played in it. I can’t accept the way she treated me though. My birthday was a happy day for her and one of the worse days ever for me. She didn’t so much as get me a card, cake or anything. She didn’t even have sex with me. That’s a difficult thing to come back from.


Save what marriage, you haven't been married for a long time.


----------



## sokillme

There seems to be a rash of tall body builders here who married women who treat them like they don't exist. Must be a pattern.


----------



## sokillme

Broken4321 said:


> No hall pass it started as what our sexual fantasies were.
> No never turned down lol. I realize it’s the internet and all but I’m actually fairly attractive and in good shape. From the nutritionist last week I’m 6’, 204 lbs and 12.5 % body fat. We met a few couples but she always had a problem with the female for whatever reason. Single guys are a dime a dozen in the “lifestyle”.
> I did participate a few times but I didn’t like it or enjoy it. I stopped doing that for that reason.
> When it was going on she would be exceptionally sexual. She would really make an effort to be sexual and our sex life was always great then. When it would stop i guess it was maybe akin to a drug addict without their drug. She would be depressed and our sex life would suffer then.
> 
> We had a lot of sex on average. I’d estimate
> 3-5 times a week I suppose. She had a high sex drive obviously.
> 
> No the whole humiliation and **** thing was very much a turnoff for me. I didn’t participate in that. I enjoyed seeing her excited and happy. I know it sounds weird and believe me I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting back on it. The very first time it happened was a huge fight. I was so upset but she wasnt. She had a good time. She convinced me to try it again that she would make sure to not make me upset and obviously I fell for it. There were so many fights about it. I can’t help but feel like one fight should have been enough to stop but I guess the fun she had outweighed the hurt it caused me. The day after my birthday felt like I had been living in a pitch black room and someone turned the light on and when they did I was disgusted by what I saw. I was absolutely disgusted by what I had become.


And yet, and yet you are marching right back. Sigh.


----------



## oldshirt

Broken4321 said:


> No hall pass it started as what our sexual fantasies were.
> No never turned down lol. I realize it’s the internet and all but I’m actually fairly attractive and in good shape. From the nutritionist last week I’m 6’, 204 lbs and 12.5 % body fat. We met a few couples but she always had a problem with the female for whatever reason. Single guys are a dime a dozen in the “lifestyle”.
> I did participate a few times but I didn’t like it or enjoy it. I stopped doing that for that reason.
> When it was going on she would be exceptionally sexual. She would really make an effort to be sexual and our sex life was always great then. When it would stop i guess it was maybe akin to a drug addict without their drug. She would be depressed and our sex life would suffer then.
> 
> We had a lot of sex on average. I’d estimate
> 3-5 times a week I suppose. She had a high sex drive obviously.
> 
> No the whole humiliation and **** thing was very much a turnoff for me. I didn’t participate in that. I enjoyed seeing her excited and happy. I know it sounds weird and believe me I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting back on it. The very first time it happened was a huge fight. I was so upset but she wasnt. She had a good time. She convinced me to try it again that she would make sure to not make me upset and obviously I fell for it. There were so many fights about it. I can’t help but feel like one fight should have been enough to stop but I guess the fun she had outweighed the hurt it caused me. The day after my birthday felt like I had been living in a pitch black room and someone turned the light on and when they did I was disgusted by what I saw. I was absolutely disgusted by what I had become.


You simply got chumped. 

If the light really came on during "your" birthday, believe what you see. 

This is a great catch-phrase from the Chumplady website (which you should check out and share your story because your face could be on Mount Chumpmore) but the phrase is "Trust that she sucks."

If you have seen the light, then trust that she is a wicked, calculating, manipulative and exploitive beotch. 

A part of you is questioning whether what you have experienced is even real or not and a part of you is holding out hope this is all some mistake and that she is actually a decent person. STOP THAT! Trust that she cheating and manipulative ho.


----------



## skerzoid

This seems too harsh to be true but I'll bite.

You've been separated for a year but she's been keeping her legs together after ****ing 50 guys in four years. That's an average of one a month. 

How is it possible that you and she are not the most diseased couple in history?

She's a sex addict, but now she's not had any men in the year you've been separated, and you say you are sure of that?

I've got to say that you are the most codependent person I have seen post on here, or you're pulling our leg.


----------



## sokillme

Why are you working so hard to settle for so little. She is not the only women on this earth. I mean not gonna be hard to find better then that.


----------



## Andy1001

Let me make one point here op and you can take it to the bank.
There’s not a chance in hell that your wife has gone a year without sex. 
Not a chance.


----------



## FoolishOne

Let's just put it this way... unless she is on her knees begging, telling you how right you are, agreeing that she has been a disrespectful psycho and abusive.... YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORK WITH. NOTHING!!!

Do not. I repeat. DO NOT accept bread crumbs or a small shift in attitude as a sign of coming change. People like your wife will only change small things to give hope and opportunity for further manipulation.

There must be an absolute and total shift in the way she treats you and what she has done. Anything less than that.... Keep moving forward. Go get some IC... You need it. Go find a hobby that instills confidence in you. Connect with your children. Have fun. BUT whatever you do, do not let this snake of a wife whisper bull crap in your ear.

The second you hear anything OTHER than "I'm sorry and I was wrong in every way" or talk about logistics involving the children... that's your que to unplug your ears, laugh, and walk away. If you want to flick her off as you walk away, I would understand.

Your God damned birthday!!! Told you to go sit in a room and shut up...... :O my jaw was on the floor when I read that.


----------



## aine

Why would you


Broken4321 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We have 2 kids together.
> 
> I found out 4 years into our relationship she had slept with her best friends husband multiple times early in our relaand it broke me. Before then I viewed her as this good girl and it all changed. She did share her sexual last and it was quite bad.
> 
> She expressed a desire to try swinging and I went along. I’m not sure why. A part of me found it exciting sure but I wanted her to be happy.
> 
> Fast forward 4 more years and she had almost 50 sexual partners and I had ZERO. It became almost a drug I guess but without it she was depressed and unhappy but with it she was fun and exciting.
> 
> On the morning of my 40th birthday she had 2 guys come over one after the other for her to sleep with. I was concerned about her being alone with strangers and told her I at least wanted to be there for her safety. She was angry and said if I had to be there to at least hide in the kids bedroom and be quiet since she didn’t want them to think she wasn’t alone. When she shut the door and left me alone in there was probably one of the worse moments in my life.
> 
> I had to go to work and then coach our kids sports game later in the day. That night I tried twice to get her to come to bed with me and both times she said she wasn’t tired and just played on her phone.
> 
> The next morning it was like the worse realization I ever had. I hated who I had become. I hated how I allowed myself to be treated. We lived a comfortable life and I provided for everything she wanted from hobbies to anything. She didn’t work or want for anything. I felt like the biggest loser on the planet. I’m in very good shape and we have zero sexual issues so it isn’t like she had to find it anywhere else.
> 
> We’ve been in marriage counseling now for almost a year. She has been moved out the entire time. In this past year I guess all I’ve wanted is to see that she really did love me and want me. At times I guess its there I don’t know.
> 
> I had given up on our marriage and said so in counseling and began to see someone else and she was ballistic. She went so far as to go to her job and try to fight her. It was so embarrassing.
> The sad part is I guess I know I should follow through with the divorce. I offered her beyond fair terms since I won’t drag us through court. If we signed the papers today she would have a higher net worth than me and never worked but in return I want to see my kids more. The thing is I still want and desire her. To the point where nothing else seems to matter, myself included.
> 
> Our counselor told me sometimes divorce is the better option but ultimately it’s my decision to make. She says she wants to stay and I believe her but I feel like she is fighting for what she had and I don’t want what we we had at all. Regardless of the sexual stuff I want to be loved. I want to be respected and appreciated. I don’t want to be anybody else’s doormat ever again. He says I tried to pay for her happiness with my unhappiness. I guess I did I don’t know.
> Advice? It’ll be what everyone else says but it doesn’t seem to matter. Given the nature of all that’s happened there isn’t really anyone for me to talk to. Thanks for reading.


For the love of all that's holy! why on earth would you subject yourself to this. Kick her to the kerb. You are living in constant emotional pain cause you are too scared to pull the plug. I guarantee you life will be much better and you can meet someone who will be your only one, and for her you are her only one. Sorry to say your wife will not change, she just uses you for security while she screws other men, please get out of this.
See a lawyer as to what your options are. i am not sure if courts will look kindly on a woman having many strangers around to shag in the home with kids, you might have a case to get custody. Ask your lawyer. This is no environment for kids to grow up in anyway. AND don't give her anything without a fight. For goodness sake stop being a doormat, no woman is worth losing your pride. Get a good bull dog lawyer and leave her for dust.


----------



## Buffer

Brother, she is saying she will change but hasn’t. She still talks down to you, she still Won’t talk about her actions, she still hasn’t corrected any one about her true actions. 
Have her served D. Look after yourself and children. She isn’t in individual counseling so she doesn’t have to address herself.
sorry but one day at a time
buffer


----------



## manwithnoname

Absolutely nothing to save here other than your dignity, if there's any left after what you've allowed her to do to you.


----------



## SunCMars

After all those years....

This is *your* fault, not hers. 

You saw who she was and allowed it to continue.
You forgave her the first time she was caught cheating and gave her no consequences.
You allowed her to quench her needs at your expense.

It is you that is out of whack, more so than her.

Why?

She was happy in her actions, she knows who she is and acted upon it.
You pretended to be happy and acted happy....until you could not.

Stop blaming her.
Blame yourself for your weakness and inaction.

You need identity intervention. 
Your wife knows who and what she is and what she needs, it is sex with many men.

Divorce, stop this madness and get far away from her.....forever.


----------



## Numb26

She has turned you into a ****. Do what needs to be done to save your sanity. There is life after divorce!


----------



## Tdbo

Broken4321 said:


> I’ve had DNA tests done and they’re all mine so no worries there.
> She does wish to save the marriage but I can’t help but feel like she is fighting to keep what she had when I don’t want what we had. She hasn’t dated or seen anyone that I know of in the past year we’ve been separated but the way she talks to me hasn’t changed. The way she treats me hasn’t changed. I haven’t seen any real regret over what has happened. She is very much into her own feelings but there doesn’t seem to be room for anyone else’s. He has told her to be a chance at saving this she is going to have to address the pain and hurt it’s caused me but she avoids it. He feels like she avoids it due to her own shame.
> It’s all a mess and I accept and take responsibility for the role I played in it. I can’t accept the way she treated me though. My birthday was a happy day for her and one of the worse days ever for me. She didn’t so much as get me a card, cake or anything. She didn’t even have sex with me. That’s a difficult thing to come back from.


You answered your own question.
She doesn't want to change a damn thing* because she has no respect or care for you.*
She wants things on her terms to satisfy her own personal agenda.
She isn't a good wife. She doesn't even sound like a decent human being. She can't be a good mother; there's no way a good mother would put her family in jeopardy.
Get away from her, divorce her and go for primary custody.
If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

PS: It's probably good you didn't get any on your birthday. You are the Husband. Sloppy thirds is the ultimate in disrespect.


----------



## notmyjamie

She's probably trying to keep you from divorcing her before your 10th anniversary so she can get more money. For the love of all that is good and holy, please file the papers now while you're deciding so that you don't get taken for even more money. Someday you may meet someone you really love, who really loves you, and you'll want to be able to have a nice house, go on vacations, etc but you won't be able to because your EX wife will have all your money. That's absolute crap. If for some crazy reason you decided to stay married (which you'd regret someday) you can always cancel the divorce. 

BTW, the reason she always had a problem with the females is because while she feels she deserves to go out and **** multiple men she doesn't want you to be able to be with anyone else. That's the same reason she flipped out when you started seeing someone. It's okay for HER to have her fun, but you better just stay home and keep your **** out of everyone else. If that's not the ultimate example of her selfishness I don't know what is.


----------



## syhoybenden

notmyjamie said:


> She's probably trying to keep you from divorcing her before your 10th anniversary so she can get more money.


Get a LAWYER!!! Like Yesterday!! Ask him/her about this. Then believe it


----------



## OutofRetirement

Broken4321 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We have 2 kids together.
> 
> I found out 4 years into our relationship *she had slept with her best friends husband multiple times early in our relationship* and it broke me. Before then I viewed her as this good girl and it all changed. She did share her sexual past and it was quite bad.


Can you start with this? Explain what happened with her sleeping with her best friend's husband. Did it happen before or after your wedding? Did the best friend find out? When did you find out (before or after you had children)? Would you have married her if you were aware? What was the result? Is her best friend still with her husband? Do you still see them?

Are your parents alive? What type of relationship do you have? Siblings? Friends?


----------



## OutofRetirement

You have been married 7 years and your wife's only job is staying home with the children, and you say you have done well enough career-wise and financially to provide for your family, with them not wanting for anything. I put this out here because you claim to be quite assertive in all other areas of your life except with your marriage. I mostly believe you. You coach the children's sports teams. You started seeing someone, a romantic interest, at your job, I assume after you separated from your wife. Early in your attempt at swinging, your heart was not into it, but you still were willing with other women, but your wife did not approve of them. Now, about 5 years later, your wife is extremely upset with you seeing another woman romantically.

Can you elaborate a little about that? Did your wife never wanted you to see other women in the swinging? Did she ever offer to find a woman who she would approve of, since the ones you found were not acceptable to her?

I sense that you have not even come close to describing some of the worst things your wife did to you in this process, and that is because you feel you allowed her to, and you yourself was complicit in your own demise. Maybe it's too difficult for you to even mention it here.

What is the difference between your wife and your new romantic interest? Prior to you finding out about your wife cheating, were you always deferential to your wife (i.e., in one of your posts you said you can't remember ever saying "no" to your wife)? Was that from the start of the relationship? If not, when did it start?

What are you trying to get out of posting here? To salvage your marriage, find out a way to feel better about yourself so you can stay with your wife, and at the same time figure out how she can change to not hurt you again? Or to feel better about divorcing? Have you made a decision, marriage or divorce (i.e., even if you filed already, are you having second thoughts)?


----------



## Tdbo

Spicy said:


> I’m glad this is an anonymous forum, because I would be so embarrassed to post this.


The embarrassing (and sad) part is that he can't garner the self pride and worth to burn the B**** INTO THE GROUND.


----------



## EleGirl

Broken4321 said:


> We’ve been in marriage counseling now for almost a year. She has been moved out the entire time. In this past year I guess all I’ve wanted is to see that she really did love me and want me. At times I guess its there I don’t know.


She does not love you or want you. You say she's never worked? She needs you to support her. That's all. You need to learn to face reality. At first you were a victim. But you have become a participant in this very destructive game you call a marriage.



Broken4321 said:


> I had given up on our marriage and said so in counseling and began to see someone else and she was ballistic. She went so far as to go to her job and try to fight her. It was so embarrassing.


Did the woman call the police on your wife? She should have. Why on earth did you tell your wife that you were seeing someone? Where you using the girlfriend to try to make your wife jealous? That's what it sounds like. You need to stop talking to your wife about anything besides your children.

Take a look at the 180 in my signature block below. The 180 describes how you need to interact with your wife going forward. It will end the drama and it will facilitate you falling out of love with this abusive woman.



Broken4321 said:


> The sad part is I guess I know I should follow through with the divorce. I offered her beyond fair terms since I won’t drag us through court. If we signed the papers today she would have a higher net worth than me and never worked but in return I want to see my kids more. The thing is I still want and desire her. To the point where nothing else seems to matter, myself included.


Just drop the marriage counseling. All it's doing is feeding your obsession and giving your wife more power over you.

You need to see an individual counselor because you are not emotionally healthy.

You also just need to get a lawyer and file for divorce. Only give her whatever is required by the divorce law in your state. You are not saving anything by trying to do the divorce on your own and trying to buy her off with money. She had her chance to accept your silly offer. So get a lawyer. File a for-fault divorce siting her gross infidelity.

Your wife cannot stop you from obtaining a divorce.



Broken4321 said:


> Our counselor told me sometimes divorce is the better option but ultimately it’s my decision to make. She says she wants to stay and I believe her but I feel like she is fighting for what she had and I don’t want what we we had at all. Regardless of the sexual stuff I want to be loved. I want to be respected and appreciated. I don’t want to be anybody else’s doormat ever again. He says I tried to pay for her happiness with my unhappiness. I guess I did I don’t know.


Your counselor has an interest in keeping you coming back again and again paying for his services.

Of course you want to be someone's doormat. Do you know how I know that? Because you have been twisting yourself into pretzels for years to make sure you remain a doormat. You love it. So go see an individual counselor and find out why you love being mistreated, being a cuckold, and having an abusive wife. You love it. Why do I say that? Because if you did not you would have divorced her ass years ago.



Broken4321 said:


> Advice? It’ll be what everyone else says but it doesn’t seem to matter. Given the nature of all that’s happened there isn’t really anyone for me to talk to. Thanks for reading.


You need to tell people like your close friends and family that the reason you are divorcing your wife is because she has been cheating for years. You gave her a chance to stop the cheating and reconcile. But she will not do that. So you are divorcing her. You don't have to tell them all the details, just a simple statement. Then you can talk to them because they will get why you have to divorce her.

Tell your children that their mom is not returning home because you and she do not get along. You are both better off divorced. And you both love them and will work hard to make sure they are loved and cared for. That's it.

And again, stop the farce of marriage counseling. Get into individual counseling. Get a lawyer and file for divorce.

Do those things and your life will enter a period of utter peace and love of yourself and your children.

All the discussion that you included about all your wife's cheating, you allowing it and and yes, relishing in it so just a waste. It's so bazar it reads like some kind of cuckold fantasy.

Going forward, please only talk about how your divorce is going; how your individual counseling is going; and how you and your children are doing.


----------



## ABHale

Your need to protect your reputation for the sake of your kids. Your wife will destroy their lives if you don’t. You have been warned.


----------



## Farmlady

You have to let her go. She has done nothing but take advantage of you and will continue to do so. I speak from very current experience. Sex should be treasured between man and woman and she has obviously never done that. She has problems you cannot fix. BUT you CAN fix you. As a recently diagnosed codependent who has financially devastated her family and agreed to an open marriage when it went against every fiber of my being over the last 10 years, I can tell you, cut your losses. I am having to do the same thing and my husband is not nearly as bad as your wife sounds. He is making great strides to try to save us and I'm just not for it. You need to ask yourself, if she claimed to stop the behavior, could you ever trust that? Do you want your children to stumble on her with other men and have to explain that? Will you ever feel like you truly matter? I doubt it. Get a good counselor and focus on you so you can be a better father and partner later to someone who will appreciate you.


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## Broken4321

It’s definitely not a troll post 🤷‍♂️
Today is actually our anniversary if it matters. I signed the papers and waiting on her to do the same. She said she wouldn’t sign them but she doesn’t want a nasty divorce and all our crap drug though court either. I actually think I’d probably do better in court but I’d rather avoid it if at all possible. 
I intend to keep seeing a counselor but just for myself. Kinda apparent I have some baggage before beginning a new relationship. In dating I actually do fairly well it’s just once it becomes a relationship that I fall back into the same pattern. I do intend to stop that. He said it takes two whole people to have a happy relationship, not two halves. So much of myself was her and I gotta get back to my own happiness and find myself once again. 
The good news is I have several longtime friends and I look forward to my own hobbies and interests. I want to worry about me and what I like, not to the point of anybody else’s expense but to put myself first not second. 
Thanks for helping me vent.


----------



## jlg07

Broken4321 said:


> I actually think I’d probably do better in court but I’d rather avoid it if at all possible.


Don't be avoidant or take the "easy" button path. DO WHAT WILL BE BETTER FOR YOU. If court, then do that for the longer term rather than short-term easier path.


----------



## EleGirl

Broken4321 said:


> It’s definitely not a troll post 🤷‍♂️
> Today is actually our anniversary if it matters. I signed the papers and waiting on her to do the same. She said she wouldn’t sign them but she doesn’t want a nasty divorce and all our crap drug though court either. I actually think I’d probably do better in court but I’d rather avoid it if at all possible.
> I intend to keep seeing a counselor but just for myself. Kinda apparent I have some baggage before beginning a new relationship. In dating I actually do fairly well it’s just once it becomes a relationship that I fall back into the same pattern. I do intend to stop that. He said it takes two whole people to have a happy relationship, not two halves. So much of myself was her and I gotta get back to my own happiness and find myself once again.
> The good news is I have several longtime friends and I look forward to my own hobbies and interests. I want to worry about me and what I like, not to the point of anybody else’s expense but to put myself first not second.
> Thanks for helping me vent.


Have you had a lawyer look over the divorce papers to make sure she cannot come back after you later for even more?


----------



## notmyjamie

EleGirl said:


> Have you had a lawyer look over the divorce papers to make sure she cannot come back after you later for even more?


Or that you're not getting screwed? A marriage of 7 years should not leave her set for life. That's YOUR hard earned money that you're going to want someday, trust me. Right now you just want out the easy way but you'll regret that someday. 

Other than giving her too much in the divorce it sounds like your plan going forward is a good one. Continue IC and work on yourself. Go back to enjoying the things you like in life. When you're healed, find someone. There are lots of women out there who have the same view of marriage as you do. 

Anniversaries are tough but I'm told they get easier with time. _hugs_


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## Edmund

Broken4321 said:


> It’s definitely not a troll post 🤷‍♂️
> Today is actually our anniversary if it matters. I signed the papers and waiting on her to do the same. She said she wouldn’t sign them but she doesn’t want a nasty divorce and all our crap drug though court either. I actually think I’d probably do better in court but I’d rather avoid it if at all possible.
> I intend to keep seeing a counselor but just for myself. Kinda apparent I have some baggage before beginning a new relationship. In dating I actually do fairly well it’s just once it becomes a relationship that I fall back into the same pattern. I do intend to stop that. He said it takes two whole people to have a happy relationship, not two halves. So much of myself was her and I gotta get back to my own happiness and find myself once again.
> The good news is I have several longtime friends and I look forward to my own hobbies and interests. I want to worry about me and what I like, not to the point of anybody else’s expense but to put myself first not second.
> Thanks for helping me vent.


She cuckolded you for your birthday present. You initiated divorce proceedings for her anniversary present. Nice symbolic move. High five.


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## bandit.45

> She said she wouldn’t sign them but she doesn’t want a nasty divorce and all our crap drug though court either. I actually think I’d probably do better in court but I’d rather avoid it if at all possible.


Again she is manipulating you. Don't let her. If a court hearing is what is required to get the best deal for you then do it.


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## notmyjamie

bandit.45 said:


> Again she is manipulating you. Don't let her. If a court hearing is what is required to get the best deal for you then do it.


I agree 100%!!!!!


----------



## ABHale

Your still being a pushover.

You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy.

You also sound like you have white knight syndrome. You have to still protect her even with what she has done. In doing so you are hurting your kids by taking the blame for her actions. Falling on the sword to say. Your only teaching your kids how weak you are. Also to never stand up for what is right. Hope you don’t have boys that will follow in your foot steps.


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## ABHale

My mom cheated on my dad when I was very little. He divorced her. I have all the respect in the world for him for doing so. Kids are not stupid either, you are so wrong if you think they don’t know what has been going on. They have definitely seen your wife treat you disrespectful before the separation.


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## aine

Broken4321 said:


> I miss her. As stupid and silly as that sounds it’s just the truth. The counselor says I’m misinterpreting that I miss her to mean that I want her back. He says I should miss her, she was a huge part of my life for years but missing someone and wanting them back are two separate things.
> The odd thing is I’m actually quite assertive in daily life in everything but my relationship. He asked her if she could ever remember me telling her no and she couldn’t, he said he would be surprised if I ever did. I sought my happiness in her happiness. If she was happy then I would be happy but as time went on I was further marginalized and disrespected.
> I know if I had to give myself advice I’d advise to divorce and move on. The funny thing is it isn’t what I want. I’m left with what I know is the best decision and the other choice being what I want.
> People have overcome more I’m sure then at times I feel like I’m being weak. That I should be strong enough to accept what has happened and keep my family together. I grew up with divorced parents and swore I would stick it out but now I’m really struggling to do that. I would never stay just for the kids as that never works.
> I suppose it’s just a vent in some sort of way. I have no intentions of telling what has happened. There is no way to hurt her that doesn’t hurt my kids and I simply won’t do that. I’d rather be the bad guy in everyone else’s eyes.
> A year separated is a long time and if there was hope surely it would have manifested by now. It’s unfair that when I started seeing someone else people were saying how I was the one running around. She didn’t even bother to correct them. The deacon is a good friend and he asked me if I was seeing someone else and I said yes. He asked if that was the reason for our separation and I told him no. I told him we preferred to keep our personal problems between us but that it wasn’t my fault. He asked if I was ok with everyone thinking badly of me and I said I’d rather people think poorly of me than her. He said what bothered him the most isn’t that I was ok with that but that she was.



Why are you putting her on a pedestal and covering for her? She sounds like a sex addict who actually needs serious help so you are doing her no favors by covering for her. it is the same with any addict, the more we cover, the more we enable and that is what you are doing. Do you want your kids to grow up in such an environment with a 'sick' mother? You are also 'sick.'

You have to pull the bandage off and stop doing the 'oh woe is me BS.' Your family is in trouble, do something about it. 
You are severely co-dependent (another fall out from any sort of addiction). Learn about co-dependency, learn how to stand up and be a man and expose your wife, you know it is the right thing to do. I think you are afraid to because you are concerned about how others will see you for putting up with this for so long. You sir, are afraid of their judging you to be a weak man, a cuckold, etc but hide behind the 'Mr Nice Guy' persona, one of apparent self-sacrifice to protect your family. You are not protecting your family at all, you are enabling her behaviour, it will not end well for the children either. If you cannot do it for yourself, expose her for them. 
You are living in denial, with lack of authenticity. You say your WW won't talk about things. She doesn't need to talk, you expose her, let the chips fall where they may, say you will help her to get real help for her unhealthy behavior and your will stop hiding the truth. Then you will be there for your children.


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## marcy*

If you really love you children and want them to grow up in a healthy environment, let her go. They will lose respect for you and will hate their mom, or worse, they will follow in her footsteps because that’s the only life they know. That kind of life you want for them? Your kids seeing many men coming out of your house and you there doing nothing about it, sorry but how can you do that to your kids?! 
You love her more than yourself, more than your kids. 
Sad!


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## RandomDude

Broken4321 said:


> On the morning of my 40th birthday she had 2 guys come over one after the other for her to sleep with. I was concerned about her being alone with strangers and told her I at least wanted to be there for her safety. She was angry and said if I had to be there to at least hide in the kids bedroom and be quiet since she didn’t want them to think she wasn’t alone. When she shut the door and left me alone in there was probably one of the worse moments in my life.


What... 
The... 
F&@#?!?!?


----------



## Broken4321

I was mainly here to vent. I suppose in some sort of way it felt better to tell it all to someone. 
My counselor seems to push for reconciliation and believes we could make it work despite all. In his line of work it’s required to believe people can change and I think people can but I haven’t seen it. He believes on some level I seek out the pain and the resentment, that it fulfills something even if I’m not aware of it. 
None of it’s a lie. I wish it was sometimes.


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## jlg07

I think your counselor is nuts. The absolute level of disrespect and issues your wife has shown are NOT something that can be fixed by marriage counseling. SHE NEEDS her OWN individual counselor to work on her issues.
If you R now, what are the consequences to her for doing what she did? NOTHING. What work is SHE doing to make sure that YOU are healing from this cheating. What is SHE DOING? From what I see, nothing. She is just hoping that YOU will be OK, rug sweep, and keep things like they were.

YOU may also need your own counselor (NOT your MC) to see why YOU allowed her to walk all over you, why YOU would be willing to put up with this (codependecy maybe??).

I just don't see, from what you've written, that you wife is making ANY strides in making sure this would never happen again.
Maybe you should ask HER that YOU will go out and have sex with other women for a year 2-3x a year and even multiple women in YOUR bed. But SHE has to NOT have sex with anyone else. Bet that wouldn't go over well -- so if not, why does she think (and your MC) that it's OK for HER to have done that?


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## notmyjamie

You need a new counselor. I can't believe anyone would push for you to remain in this situation. That's insanity. Far too much has been done to come back from in my opinion.


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## RandomDude

I never acknowledge a doormat when I rub the **** off my shoe on it. Why should I start now?

More importantly, why should she?


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## DownByTheRiver

This is not going to get fixed and the longer it drags on the harder it will be for the kids.


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## Heart Break

Broken4321 said:


> I was mainly here to vent. I suppose in some sort of way it felt better to tell it all to someone.
> My counselor seems to push for reconciliation and believes we could make it work despite all. In his line of work it’s required to believe people can change and I think people can but I haven’t seen it. He believes on some level I seek out the pain and the resentment, that it fulfills something even if I’m not aware of it.
> None of it’s a lie. I wish it was sometimes.


Go to a new counselor by yourself. You need to work on yourself first. You are trying so hard to make it work and you are expressing it to your counselor that he might say it only to make you feel better. But it's wrong. He needs to make you see what is going on with you life. I know now it seems that you will not be able to live without her even for an hour. But believe me once you will find your own path in life you will see thing differently. But for that to happen you need some really good help. You have really good advices here. Help yourself


----------



## Bobbyjo

Broken4321 said:


> Thanks to everyone
> 
> We have been seeing a counselor this entire time but it’s a 3 hour round trip since she didn’t want to see anyone local. At the first visit I was done and said so, I was only there to mend a workable relationship for our kids sake.
> Over time that changed some. I tried for a couple of months but it seemed like the manipulation and the treatment was returning to the old ways.
> Now it seems as though we’re stuck. I’m forced to be the bad guy who ran his wife off since nobody knows any of the truth. My kids ask me if I’m gonna let mommy come back home and it’s hard. My feelings for her haven’t changed but I can’t allow myself to be treated that way. She insists it’ll be different and she wants to change but I don’t know. I don’t know if I can live with all that’s happened. She wants to pretend it didn’t happen and bury it but that doesn’t help me. When we try to talk about it even at counseling he says we aren’t able to yet that there is too much pain and hurt there for both of us. Then when? She thinks I want to talk about it only to make her feel bad but that’s not it at all. I can’t live a lie and I surely can’t pretend it didn’t happen.


You will more than likely never forget...However...there are lessons that you have learned.
A) you’ve made a decision that you are worth something and have drawn some lines as to how you expect to be treated...appreciation and respect.
B) you have recognized on some level that you’re wife has some deeper issues to the point that she doesn’t want to deal with her issues and wants to just forget about it. She rug sweeps.
C) you genuinely care for your kids and want them to feel loved.
D) you are feeling torn and unsure of what to do. This to me is normal...considering the fact that the point above matters and the number of years you’ve been with your wife.

In terms of what’s best for the kids, have you asked yourself the impact of your wife bringing men home while the kids are there when it’s her turn to have them?
A) do you think that this is normal behaviour for your kids to learn?
B) what message us she sending to the kids...”how might they see this” and what are they telling themselves?”.
C) would she be putting their best interest first if she were to bring strange men in the home while your kids are visiting?

I’m saying all the above points to help you build a case if this is what’s actually happening. Have kids been through counseling or spoke to someone about what their feeling about all this? I personally would not be able to stand by knowing that my ex was bringing sex buddies around my kids knowing how much it can mess them up and also putting them at risk of being harmed. It’s your call...but not only are you worth something...so are your kids. The rubber has met the road for your wife...it is completely her responsibility to get well for her sake and the kids and until she can begin to acknowledge the truth...seems to me there is little change. So sorry your in this situation and I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through. 
prayers to you and your family.


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## oldshirt

Broken4321 said:


> I was mainly here to vent. I suppose in some sort of way it felt better to tell it all to someone.
> My counselor seems to push for reconciliation and believes we could make it work despite all. In his line of work it’s required to believe people can change and I think people can but I haven’t seen it. He believes on some level I seek out the pain and the resentment, that it fulfills something even if I’m not aware of it.
> None of it’s a lie. I wish it was sometimes.


Of course he tells you the marriage can be saved.

If you choose to walk away, he doesn’t make another dime off of you.

If you keep chasing this windmill and keep trying to have a healthy, happy marriage and try to transform her into a sweet, faithful wife, he has a steady income for years and years because you can’t transform her into sweet, faithful wife and you can’t have a healthy, happy marriage when she’s bringing in a steady stream of men to bang her while you hide in the kid’s room.

You are letting yourself be used and chumped.

She is chumping you into keeping the kids quiet and out of sight while she bangs dudes in your own bed.

And the counselor is chumping you into giving him money by giving you the delusion that a woman that bangs other men in your bed while you keep the kids quiet can be wife material.

Stop being weak and gullible. Use your brain and find your balls and spine and start standing up for yourself.


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## Numb26

Tough love here:

Find your self respect!!!


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## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> Of course he tells you the marriage can be saved.
> 
> If you choose to walk away, he doesn’t make another dime off of you.
> And the counselor is chumping you into giving him money by giving you the delusion that a woman that bangs other men in your bed while you keep the kids quiet can be wife material.


Let me make a very important distinction here.

You two absolutely CAN stay married and right now if I had to place a bet, my money will firmly be on that you will not divorce and you will remain married for many more years until one of her boi toys makes more money than you and offers to take her full time. 

All it really takes for a couple to stay married is for neither one of them to go through with a divorce.

Neither one of you is doing that so you will remain married. 

A counselor can tell you to hold on and try and in the mean time continue to pay him and he can fleece you for years and then say that the marriage was “saved” because you are still married years later. 

So bottom line here is no divorce = still married = “marriage is saved.”

But that says nothing about the health or happiness or functionality of the marriage nor does it say anything about your mental health, well being or intact masculinity. 

If you don’t divorce, you will by default remain married. 

But the real question is can you have a sane, happy, healthy marriage and healthy environment to raise children. 

The reason we are getting down on you about the counseling is because someone that would hide you out in the kid’s room to keep them quiet and out from underfoot so she can bang two different guys off of the internet on your birthday is beyond repair for healthy relationship of any kind. 

You can remain legally married and the counselor can pat himself on the back and add you to his statistics of “saved” marrriages.

But in the meantime you are sitting in the corner sucking your thumb and rubbing poop in your hair while she makes a gang bang video in your living room for the porn channels.


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## MattMatt

oldshirt said:


> Of course he tells you the marriage can be saved.
> 
> If you choose to walk away, he doesn’t make another dime off of you.
> 
> If you keep chasing this windmill and keep trying to have a healthy, happy marriage and try to transform her into a sweet, faithful wife, he has a steady income for years and years because you can’t transform her into sweet, faithful wife and you can’t have a healthy, happy marriage when she’s bringing in a steady stream of men to bang her while you hide in the kid’s room.
> 
> You are letting yourself be used and chumped.
> 
> She is chumping you into keeping the kids quiet and out of sight while she bangs dudes in your own bed.
> 
> And the counselor is chumping you into giving him money by giving you the delusion that a woman that bangs other men in your bed while you keep the kids quiet can be wife material.
> 
> Stop being weak and gullible. Use your brain and find your balls and spine and start standing up for yourself.


That's almost certainly not true. The counsellor will be basing his opinions on the evidence he gathers during the sessions. If he feels the marriage can be saved, it would be his duty to say so.

The counsellor would be able to make just as much money on counselling him on how to get out of the marriage and or how to cope after a divorce.


----------



## oldshirt

MattMatt said:


> That's almost certainly not true. The counsellor will be basing his opinions on the evidence he gathers during the sessions. If he feels the marriage can be saved, it would be his duty to say so.
> 
> The counsellor would be able to make just as much money on counselling him on how to get out of the marriage and or how to cope after a divorce.


Broken obviously wants to remain married and Mrs Broken probably does as well since he is likely paying much of her bills and support. 

If both of them sit in the session(s) and indicate they want to stay together and want it to work - the MC will work with that. 

An MC would be professionally obligated to encourage someone to leave/divorce if they believe the other intends to bring harm or state unequivocally that they want to divorce. but if both are saying they want to stay together, the MC will work with that regardless of how messed up the situation is.


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## Mel1234

My heart goes out to you. This woman preyed on your weakness. She was able to get away with having sex with anyone she wanted while you supported her and took care of her needs. There is no way she loves you and can do that to you. You didn’t deserve that. You need to get out and find someone who will show you the same love and respect you show them. You deserve so much better.


----------



## aine

Broken4321 said:


> I was mainly here to vent. I suppose in some sort of way it felt better to tell it all to someone.
> My counselor seems to push for reconciliation and believes we could make it work despite all. In his line of work it’s required to believe people can change and I think people can but I haven’t seen it. He believes on some level I seek out the pain and the resentment, that it fulfills something even if I’m not aware of it.
> None of it’s a lie. I wish it was sometimes.


I don't much like your counselor. What kind of counselor proposes reconciliation with a woman who would have sex with two men in her marital bed on the day of her husband's birthday! Are you kidding me? @! there is no love nor respect in your marriage. Your wife is toxic, toxic to you and your kids. If your counselor is some well meaning Christian whose go-to is forgiveness and reconciliation, then they have a lot to answer for. Your wife needs therapy and is not a safe partner on any level! Divorce her!


----------



## Real talk

Even in divorce you seem to be cucking yourself out. You should be fighting for beneficial terms AND fighting for equal custody. You rolled over in your marriage and now you're rolling over afterwards. Nows the time to grow a backbone.


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## Broken4321

Thanks again for the advice. 
Our counselor does have a degree and is a legitimate medical counselor but he is also an ordained minister. I personally think he does a good job of sometimes offering some spiritual advice but it is not overwhelming like some faith based counselors have been. 
He says he believes the marriage can be saved however I’m not so sure. At the first visit I said I was done and wanted a divorce. I was only there to have an amiable divorce and to hopefully be better parents. He says I only said that because I wanted the pain to stop and getting rid of her I thought would end the pain. He says it was something that needed to be addressed and to find out why I constantly agreed to things I didn’t necessarily agree to. It was in the hope of making her happy and I was seeking my happiness in her happiness.

She says she wants to stay married but I feel like she just wants what she had back. I do not want anything like that for myself ever again. I deserve to be happy.
It’s about to have been a year since she moved out and it’s been hard. I miss my kids being here. I hate them asking me if mommy and them can come back and live with me. I feel like the bad guy even though I know I’m not. I do miss her. It isn’t as though it was all bad either. Day in day out we made it work and from the outside most people thought we had a good relationship. Our kids were well taken care of and we had an otherwise good life.

A year moved out is a long time? How long is too long? How long until you say it just isn’t working?


----------



## Mr.Married

A minister 🤦🏻‍♂️
That explains a lot

my wife screws everyone ... God forgives my son !

my wife stabs me in the face with a knife ... God forgives my son !

my wife has never been a wife .... marriage is a sacred bond my son !

🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️


----------



## jlg07

Have you verified that for the past YEAR that she has been out, she has had NO other sexual partners? If she has, then the MC is her just blowing smoke up your skirt and has NO bearing on reality.


----------



## RandomDude

Mr.Married said:


> A minister 🤦🏻‍♂️
> That explains a lot..
> 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️


Indeed lol


----------



## sokillme

Broken4321 said:


> Thanks again for the advice.
> Our counselor does have a degree and is a legitimate medical counselor but he is also an ordained minister. I personally think he does a good job of sometimes offering some spiritual advice but it is not overwhelming like some faith based counselors have been.
> He says he believes the marriage can be saved however I’m not so sure. At the first visit I said I was done and wanted a divorce. I was only there to have an amiable divorce and to hopefully be better parents. He says I only said that because I wanted the pain to stop and getting rid of her I thought would end the pain. He says it was something that needed to be addressed and to find out why I constantly agreed to things I didn’t necessarily agree to. It was in the hope of making her happy and I was seeking my happiness in her happiness.
> 
> She says she wants to stay married but I feel like she just wants what she had back. I do not want anything like that for myself ever again. I deserve to be happy.
> It’s about to have been a year since she moved out and it’s been hard. I miss my kids being here. I hate them asking me if mommy and them can come back and live with me. I feel like the bad guy even though I know I’m not. I do miss her. It isn’t as though it was all bad either. Day in day out we made it work and from the outside most people thought we had a good relationship. Our kids were well taken care of and we had an otherwise good life.
> 
> A year moved out is a long time? How long is too long? How long until you say it just isn’t working?


What marriage? You don't have a marriage you have an abomination. You counselor is an immoral idiot. 

And you need to grow a spine and have some courage already. 

You can't go around acting like this all the time.










Divorce already and then go see a professional about why you are so timid. The women specifically picked you so you would bankroll her lifestyle. She knew you would do whatever she said.


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## sokillme

Mr.Married said:


> A minister 🤦🏻‍♂️
> That explains a lot
> 
> my wife screws everyone ... God forgives my son !
> 
> my wife stabs me in the face with a knife ... God forgives my son !
> 
> my wife has never been a wife .... marriage is a sacred bond my son !
> 
> 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️


Does this -

Proverbs 2 -

1 My son, if you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you,
2 making your ear attentive to wisdom....

16 So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman,
from the adulteress with her smooth words,
17 who forsakes the companion of her youth
and forgets the covenant of her God;
18 for her house sinks down to death,
and her paths to the departed;
19 none who go to her come back,
nor do they regain the paths of life.

or this -

Proverbs 7

10 Then out came a woman to meet him,
dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent...

18 Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
19 My husband is not at home;
he has gone on a long journey.
20 He took his purse filled with money
and will not be home till full moon.”

21 With persuasive words she led him astray;
she seduced him with her smooth talk.
22 All at once he followed her
like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer stepping into a noose
23 till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare,
little knowing it will cost him his life.

24 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
pay attention to what I say.
25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways
or stray into her paths.
26 Many are the victims she has brought down;
her slain are a mighty throng.
27 Her house is a highway to the grave,
leading down to the chambers of death.

Seems pretty clear to me. Sound like a recommendation to stay the hell away? Staying with her leads to death, maybe not of you body but certainly the spirit, all you have to do is read SI to see that. 

Same goes to Adulterous men too.


----------



## Mr.Married

sokillme said:


> Does this -
> 
> Proverbs 2 -
> 
> 1 My son, if you receive my words
> and treasure up my commandments with you,
> 2 making your ear attentive to wisdom....
> 
> 16 So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman,
> from the adulteress with her smooth words,
> 17 who forsakes the companion of her youth
> and forgets the covenant of her God;
> 18 for her house sinks down to death,
> and her paths to the departed;
> 19 none who go to her come back,
> nor do they regain the paths of life.
> 
> or this -
> 
> Proverbs 7
> 
> 10 Then out came a woman to meet him,
> dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent...
> 
> 18 Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
> let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
> 19 My husband is not at home;
> he has gone on a long journey.
> 20 He took his purse filled with money
> and will not be home till full moon.”
> 
> 21 With persuasive words she led him astray;
> she seduced him with her smooth talk.
> 22 All at once he followed her
> like an ox going to the slaughter,
> like a deer stepping into a noose
> 23 till an arrow pierces his liver,
> like a bird darting into a snare,
> little knowing it will cost him his life.
> 
> 24 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
> pay attention to what I say.
> 25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways
> or stray into her paths.
> 26 Many are the victims she has brought down;
> her slain are a mighty throng.
> 27 Her house is a highway to the grave,
> leading down to the chambers of death.
> 
> Seems pretty clear to me. Sound like a recommendation to stay the hell away? Staying with her leads to death, maybe not of you body but certainly the spirit, all you have to do is read SI to see that.
> 
> Same goes to Adulterous men too.


So do you think that is actually the advice he is being given from that minister.... I bet not.


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## sokillme

Mr.Married said:


> So do you think that is actually the advice he is being given from that minister.... I bet not.


He is getting the, God hates divorce, Jesus forgives and the husband is supposed to love like Jesus advice. Turn the other cheek. Christians thing turn the other cheek means repeatedly stand there and turn the other cheek. It means let it go, but it sure is hell doesn't mean willfully let yourself get hit.

And if he is Mormon, which I wonder if a lot of these guys are, forget about it, he will practically have to leave the church, and no matter what be ostracized by everyone in his community.

I actually think most Catholic priests are better at this as long as it's adultery.

His minister probably doesn't even know about those verses, which is why I posted them. Again seems to me the bible is pretty clear that the wise thing to do is stay away. Proverbs is the book of wisdom right?

Like I always post, God hates Divorce, but he commanded adulterers be put to death, or at least he used to. It's actually funny that is like the one thing where the new law is more strict about. In the OT you could get divorced but there was no living with adultery. In the new, besides sexual immorality you have to stay married no matter what and adultery basically goes unpunished.

I blame Paul he had some crazy ideas about marriage, and doesn't seem like he had a good one.


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## Personal

sokillme said:


> Like I always post, God hates Divorce, but he commanded adulterers be put to death, or at least he used to. It's actually funny that is like the one thing where the new law is more strict about. In the OT you could get divorced but there was no living with adultery. In the new, besides sexual immorality you have to stay married no matter what and adultery basically goes unpunished.


Except when god commands adultery. Hosea anyone?


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## sokillme

Personal said:


> Except when god commands adultery. Hosea anyone?


He didn't command it he commanded him to stay. That is more an allegory about Gods relationship with Israel. Or yep one guy he wanted to stay. All the other ones he said stone. He is God he can change his mind.


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## Personal

sokillme said:


> He is God he can change his mind.


Exactly, so who nows what the rules are in any given moment.


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## 335289

Broken4321 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We have 2 kids together.
> 
> I found out 4 years into our relationship she had slept with her best friends husband multiple times early in our relaand it broke me. Before then I viewed her as this good girl and it all changed. She did share her sexual last and it was quite bad.
> 
> She expressed a desire to try swinging and I went along. I’m not sure why. A part of me found it exciting sure but I wanted her to be happy.
> 
> Fast forward 4 more years and she had almost 50 sexual partners and I had ZERO. It became almost a drug I guess but without it she was depressed and unhappy but with it she was fun and exciting.
> 
> On the morning of my 40th birthday she had 2 guys come over one after the other for her to sleep with. I was concerned about her being alone with strangers and told her I at least wanted to be there for her safety. She was angry and said if I had to be there to at least hide in the kids bedroom and be quiet since she didn’t want them to think she wasn’t alone. When she shut the door and left me alone in there was probably one of the worse moments in my life.
> 
> I had to go to work and then coach our kids sports game later in the day. That night I tried twice to get her to come to bed with me and both times she said she wasn’t tired and just played on her phone.
> 
> The next morning it was like the worse realization I ever had. I hated who I had become. I hated how I allowed myself to be treated. We lived a comfortable life and I provided for everything she wanted from hobbies to anything. She didn’t work or want for anything. I felt like the biggest loser on the planet. I’m in very good shape and we have zero sexual issues so it isn’t like she had to find it anywhere else.
> 
> We’ve been in marriage counseling now for almost a year. She has been moved out the entire time. In this past year I guess all I’ve wanted is to see that she really did love me and want me. At times I guess its there I don’t know.
> 
> I had given up on our marriage and said so in counseling and began to see someone else and she was ballistic. She went so far as to go to her job and try to fight her. It was so embarrassing.
> The sad part is I guess I know I should follow through with the divorce. I offered her beyond fair terms since I won’t drag us through court. If we signed the papers today she would have a higher net worth than me and never worked but in return I want to see my kids more. The thing is I still want and desire her. To the point where nothing else seems to matter, myself included.
> 
> Our counselor told me sometimes divorce is the better option but ultimately it’s my decision to make. She says she wants to stay and I believe her but I feel like she is fighting for what she had and I don’t want what we we had at all. Regardless of the sexual stuff I want to be loved. I want to be respected and appreciated. I don’t want to be anybody else’s doormat ever again. He says I tried to pay for her happiness with my unhappiness. I guess I did I don’t know.
> Advice? It’ll be what everyone else says but it doesn’t seem to matter. Given the nature of all that’s happened there isn’t really anyone for me to talk to. Thanks for reading.


Um. Swinging is, you two get together with another couple and either swap, soft-swap, or foursome. What you guys had was just an open relationship. Tell her if you don't get to **** the other guy's wife she doesn't get ****ed by anyone but you.


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## BruceBanner

Broken4321 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 7. We have 2 kids together.
> 
> I found out 4 years into our relationship she had slept with her best friends husband multiple times early in our relaand it broke me. Before then I viewed her as this good girl and it all changed. She did share her sexual last and it was quite bad.
> 
> She expressed a desire to try swinging and I went along. I’m not sure why. A part of me found it exciting sure but I wanted her to be happy.
> 
> Fast forward 4 more years and she had almost 50 sexual partners and I had ZERO. It became almost a drug I guess but without it she was depressed and unhappy but with it she was fun and exciting.
> 
> On the morning of my 40th birthday she had 2 guys come over one after the other for her to sleep with. I was concerned about her being alone with strangers and told her I at least wanted to be there for her safety. She was angry and said if I had to be there to at least hide in the kids bedroom and be quiet since she didn’t want them to think she wasn’t alone. When she shut the door and left me alone in there was probably one of the worse moments in my life.
> 
> I had to go to work and then coach our kids sports game later in the day. That night I tried twice to get her to come to bed with me and both times she said she wasn’t tired and just played on her phone.
> 
> The next morning it was like the worse realization I ever had. I hated who I had become. I hated how I allowed myself to be treated. We lived a comfortable life and I provided for everything she wanted from hobbies to anything. She didn’t work or want for anything. I felt like the biggest loser on the planet. I’m in very good shape and we have zero sexual issues so it isn’t like she had to find it anywhere else.
> 
> We’ve been in marriage counseling now for almost a year. She has been moved out the entire time. In this past year I guess all I’ve wanted is to see that she really did love me and want me. At times I guess its there I don’t know.
> 
> I had given up on our marriage and said so in counseling and began to see someone else and she was ballistic. She went so far as to go to her job and try to fight her. It was so embarrassing.
> The sad part is I guess I know I should follow through with the divorce. I offered her beyond fair terms since I won’t drag us through court. If we signed the papers today she would have a higher net worth than me and never worked but in return I want to see my kids more. The thing is I still want and desire her. To the point where nothing else seems to matter, myself included.
> 
> Our counselor told me sometimes divorce is the better option but ultimately it’s my decision to make. She says she wants to stay and I believe her but I feel like she is fighting for what she had and I don’t want what we we had at all. Regardless of the sexual stuff I want to be loved. I want to be respected and appreciated. I don’t want to be anybody else’s doormat ever again. He says I tried to pay for her happiness with my unhappiness. I guess I did I don’t know.
> Advice? It’ll be what everyone else says but it doesn’t seem to matter. Given the nature of all that’s happened there isn’t really anyone for me to talk to. Thanks for reading.


Well obviously get rid of her. Don't ever keep promiscuous women or women with a promiscuous past.


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## bandit.45

Your WW sounds like a sex addict.


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