# I have a higher labido then my husband



## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

Me and my husband have been together for 7 years at the start of our relationship he told he had ED related to a back injury he had. Being 17 years old And a virgen I didn’t think know to much about it. 
fastforward to now. We have been married for 2 years together for 7years, and he stopped wanting sex. 
I tried everything in the books we even had sex with another couple (called swapped)
He was able to perform with her.
And that lingers in my head 
I gained 100 pounds maybe less after my babies birth. 
I honestly feel like he just doesn’t like me.
And doesn’t want to admit it to me. 
I feel so sad because of these and I just eat more because I am sad and it is an endless cycle. 
I have tried losing weight but the moment I feel like I mad progress-he completely disregards it and back at eating again. 
I need help I am so miserable.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

As you know only you can help yourself. Only you can choose to eat or not eat. I have eating compulsions that I have trouble controlling so I know of what you speak. However, if you are eating because he doesn't give you pats on the back that will be an endless cycle.

Why in the world did you swap? Whose idea was that? it doesn't usually go well when the marriage isn't on firm footing to begin with.

So think of it this way.
If he isn't attracted to you because you are overweight then the solution is to lose weight.
If he isn't lying but has trouble and you can't live a sexless life then the solution is to leave which will mean trying to attract another man (losing weight would help).
You are worthy and deserve love. Treat yourself this way. Take care of yourself. Have self respect. Don't put up with less from him. 
Don't let him control your feelings. 

Have you tried counseling on your own?


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> As you know only you can help yourself. Only you can choose to eat or not eat. I have eating compulsions that I have trouble controlling so I know of what you speak. However, if you are eating because he doesn't give you pats on the back that will be an endless cycle.
> 
> Why in the world did you swap? Whose idea was that? it doesn't usually go well when the marriage isn't on firm footing to begin with.
> 
> ...


Yes, I understand that to make matters even worst I have boarder personality disorder. So yes I do see a therapist. I have too. And I also don’t take rejection that well either. 
so our relationship is made up me needing him and him rejection me. Just sexually. He is pretty good at being there like with support

and it was his. He wanted for me to be able to get satisfaction from someone else since he “couldn’t”
We ended up doing it because I though it would get him excited to be with me. But no it just hurt me he had fun with the other women and I didn’t.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Leila355 said:


> Me and my husband have been together for 7 years at the start of our relationship he told he had ED related to a back injury he had. Being 17 years old And a virgen I didn’t think know to much about it.
> fastforward to now. We have been married for 2 years together for 7years, and he stopped wanting sex.
> I tried everything in the books we even had sex with another couple (called swapped)
> He was able to perform with her.
> ...


How many times did you try the swapping? Was it before or after your husband completely stopped wanting or willing to have sex? These point might make a difference.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> How many times did you try the swapping? Was it before or after your husband completely stopped wanting or willing to have sex? These point might make a difference.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


Only once and it was during the issue started.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Unlike many here, I don't buy into the idea that a woman gaining a bunch of weight after a kid is an automatic death sentence to the husband desiring her. There's more here going on that just that. The back injury... did it affect sex earlier in the relationship, or just now? The fact that he knew he had ED before you met says that he's got a sexual history; do you know what it is? How many? Does he ever mention it?

When you say the experience with the partner swap "hurt" you, do you mean physically or mentally? It sounds like you realize that wasn't something you should have agreed to. Do you feel he's in control of the relationship and you have little say in things?


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Two points. 

1.) This is brief. I don't think much of your husband. The swapping was a selfish and mean thing for him to do. Especially to have no ED while with the other woman. He had to know that would hurt you and still he went ahead. I'll leave you to deal with your husband's behavior and attitude, just know that other people can see him in a bad light.

2.) This is more complicated, it's about you. When a rocket launches the engineers run through a number of system checks to make sure that all of the supporting systems are working and then they ignite the rocket, the rocket flight depends on all of those sub-systems working properly. Same process at work with your husband's desire for you. The sub-systems at work here include hidden resentments, anger, depression, apathy, HIM feeling desired, HIM feeling turned on, etc. Those sub-systems need to be addressed. The ignition point though is his sexual desire for your physical body. If everything else is working fine, those sub-systems could help create an ignition event, but there's no guarantee that there will actually be an ignition event.

You certainly captured his sexual interest earlier in your relationship, so you know that he really WAS into you and he probably can be again, but the weight might be the actual ignition suppressor here.

I would work on all of those supporting issues and see what happens, but hedge your bets and work on losing weight.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> ... *I don't think much of your husband*. The swapping was a selfish and mean thing for him to do.


Me neither. His wife is having problems because of his behavior and his solution is to bang another woman in front of her??!!?? What a low life! And he claims to have ED? What a bunch of BS. Hopefully he will end up ACTUALLY having ED permanently, that would be karma in action.

I would advise she file for divorce immediately and take him for everything she can get, she ought to have more than enough ammo to get a great settlement. Use some of it to hire a personal trainer with big muscles to get back into shape. Sorry, but low life men really p*ss me off!


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Me neither. His wife is having problems because of his behavior and his solution is to bang another woman in front of her??!!?? What a low life! And he claims to have ED? What a bunch of BS. Hopefully he will end up ACTUALLY having ED permanently, that would be karma in action.
> 
> I would advise she file for divorce immediately and take him for everything she can get, she ought to have more than enough ammo to get a great settlement. Use some of it to hire a personal trainer with big muscles to get back into shape. *Sorry, but low life men really p*ss me off!*


Agree. I can't even imagine how much this behavior on my part would hurt my wife, it would be off the charts. I could never do that. I don't know if this is malice on her husband's part, plain ignorance or toxic levels of self-centeredness. Then again, I'd never go for swapping either.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Some interesting comments. From my male perspective, I think sex with someone new is going to be more stimulating than with someone familiar.


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

[QUOTE="Casual Observer, post: 20226519, member: 45166"
Unlike many here, I don't buy into the idea that a woman gaining a bunch of weight after a kid is an automatic death sentence to the husband desiring her. There's more here going on that just that. The back injury... did it affect sex earlier in the relationship, or just now? The fact that he knew he had ED before you met says that he's got a sexual history; do you know what it is? How many? Does he ever mention it?

When you say the experience with the partner swap "hurt" you, do you mean physically or mentally? It sounds like you realize that wasn't something you should have agreed to. Do you feel he's in control of the relationship and you have little say in things?
[/QUOTE]
His ex left him because he didn’t satisfy her. I saw the message he never knew that I saw them. His problems starded now. It wasn’t an issue before when I was less heavy he didn’t have an issue performing with me. 
he now realize on viagra and it’s so discouraging to me that I don’t enjoy it. 
I was hurt because he enjoyed it and I could never get him to that level and he didn’t need viagra for her. 
the guy I was with clearly loved my body he ejaculated 3times but I felt nothing because I was to focus on my husband
I honestly feel like he does control the relationship we go with what he says


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

The number one reason most guys i know who no longer want to have sex with their wives state is because they gained a pile of weight, don't care about themselves physically, and hence no longer appeal to them....I mean, if you think about it, would he have even dated you if you were the same weight now as you were when you met him? Probably not....It would take a good deal less than half of that type of weight gain to turn me off, and some guys even less... So while I respect that there are those that wouldn't care what their wives(or husbands) look like, many do...Not to mention that now with Covid and all, no one should be gaining any weight and if they did they should be dropping it immediately, if they don't want to die from this virus...That's not fat shaming, its just a medical fact..

All that being said. focus on losing weight for yourself and your kids....Don't tie your weight loss success or failures to him...that's a sure fire way to failure...I don't need to tell you how devastatingly unhealthy it is for people to be that much overweight, moreso for women, due to how they carry the weight and the lack of musculoskeletal framework to support it..... If it solves your problems in the bedroom, (and I bet it would), then great, but that shouldn't even be the main motivating factor...If the problems persist, then you know it likely was something else or a combination, but at least you addressed a critical health issue in your own personal life..

Good luck,,,


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

Lance Mannion said:


> Two points.
> 
> 1.) This is brief. I don't think much of your husband. The swapping was a selfish and mean thing for him to do. Especially to have no ED while with the other woman. He had to know that would hurt you and still he went ahead. I'll leave you to deal with your husband's behavior and attitude, just know that other people can see him in a bad light.
> 
> ...





Lance Mannion said:


> Two points.
> 
> 1.) This is brief. I don't think much of your husband. The swapping was a selfish and mean thing for him to do. Especially to have no ED while with the other woman. He had to know that would hurt you and still he went ahead. I'll leave you to deal with your husband's behavior and attitude, just know that other people can see him in a bad light.
> 
> ...


he said that he didn’t want me to leave him that is why he wanted me to experience sex with someone else. He has been my only sex partner and now the other man we swapped with.

Oh that hit hard 😪


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Leila355 said:


> [QUOTE="Casual Observer, post: 20226519, member: 45166"
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The couples swap was a terrible idea on a lot of levels, but please, whatever you do, don't base anything concrete and apply it to your own situation.....none of any of it will make any sense...

Even the most loving and attentive of couples may actually have more sexual enjoyment with someone strange...They may not admit it, but very likely they would...my guess is most attentive and loving couples wouldn't open that Pandora's box to find that out though...


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Leila355 said:


> he said that he didn’t want me to leave him that is why he wanted me to experience sex with someone else. He has been my only sex partner and now the other man we swapped with.
> 
> Oh that hit hard 😪


I'd suggest that you not accept anymore of those kind offers that he extends to you.


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Me neither. His wife is having problems because of his behavior and his solution is to bang another woman in front of her??!!?? What a low life! And he claims to have ED? What a bunch of BS. Hopefully he will end up ACTUALLY having ED permanently, that would be karma in action.
> 
> I would advise she file for divorce immediately and take him for everything she can get, she ought to have more than enough ammo to get a great settlement. Use some of it to hire a personal trainer with big muscles to get back into shape. Sorry, but low life men really p*ss me off!





Rus47 said:


> Me neither. His wife is having problems because of his behavior and his solution is to bang another woman in front of her??!!?? What a low life! And he claims to have ED? What a bunch of BS. Hopefully he will end up ACTUALLY having ED permanently, that would be karma in action.
> 
> I would advise she file for divorce immediately and take him for everything she can get, she ought to have more than enough ammo to get a great settlement. Use some of it to hire a personal trainer with big muscles to get back into shape. Sorry, but low life men really p*ss me off!





Rus47 said:


> Me neither. His wife is having problems because of his behavior and his solution is to bang another woman in front of her??!!?? What a low life! And he claims to have ED? What a bunch of BS. Hopefully he will end up ACTUALLY having ED permanently, that would be karma in action.
> 
> I would advise she file for divorce immediately and take him for everything she can get, she ought to have more than enough ammo to get a great settlement. Use some of it to hire a personal trainer with big muscles to get back into shape. Sorry, but low life men really p*ss me off!


He said the swap will help our relationship because I would experience sex with another man and won’t want to leave him.

I am sorry I pissed u off didn’t mean too😞


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> The number one reason most guys i know who no longer want to have sex with their wives state is because they gained a pile of weight, don't care about themselves physically, and hence no longer appeal to them....I mean, if you think about it, would he have even dated you if you were the same weight now as you were when you met him? Probably not....It would take a good deal less than half of that type of weight gain to turn me off, and some guys even less... So while I respect that there are those that wouldn't care what their wives(or husbands) look like, many do...Not to mention that now with Covid and all, no one should be gaining any weight and if they did they should be dropping it immediately, if they don't want to die from this virus...That's not fat shaming, its just a medical fact..
> 
> All that being said. focus on losing weight for yourself and your kids....Don't tie your weight loss success or failures to him...that's a sure fire way to failure...I don't need to tell you how devastatingly unhealthy it is for people to be that much overweight, moreso for women, due to how they carry the weight and the lack of musculoskeletal framework to support it..... If it solves your problems in the bedroom, (and I bet it would), then great, but that shouldn't even be the main motivating factor...If the problems persist, then you know it likely was something else or a combination, but at least you addressed a critical health issue in your own personal life..
> 
> Good luck,,,


Yeah I though so, thank you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why are you hanging on to this relationship? Know when to pull the plug. Living with someone this frustrating I think you'd be better off living alone. He's never had normal sexual function. He doesn't seem interested in you like you said. So why are you hanging around?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Leila355 said:


> Only once and it was during the issue started.


So let me point out this possibility. The one time he managed outside of the marriage was before he could no longer manage at all. If it was during the period when he still had occasional successes, then that's not an automatic indication that he can still do it with other women.

That said, if he did manage with other women now, there would be issues to deal with. And it does not excuse him of other behaviors. Although you stated that outside of sex he is not doing anything wrong.

As far as the weight goes, it's been said, you have to work on that for you, and no one else. Stick with your therapist, and then see about one for him and/or you two as a couple.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Leila355 said:


> He said the swap will help our relationship because I would experience sex with another man and won’t want to leave him.
> 
> I am sorry I pissed u off didn’t mean too


Don't worry about that. Some people here always react negatively to any kind of open or poly, even when ethically done 

Your husband's reasonings may have indeed been of good intent. Doesn't mean he executed it well or properly. And it is true that for some couples with sexual issues between them, but no other problems, open marriages can be helpful. The real question is it something that would work for you two? And more specifically, you?

Because in the end, by what you've told us, it would end up, not both of you swapping, but just you getting it on the side, especially if he is claiming a lack of drive and/or desire. That will be a key in determining if he is actually having issues, or just having issues with you.

Are you in need of sex in general, or will only sex with him do it? Mind you there is a difference between preferring sex with him to it needing to be him.

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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why are you hanging on to this relationship? Know when to pull the plug. Living with someone this frustrating I think you'd be better off living alone. He's never had normal sexual function. He doesn't seem interested in you like you said. So why are you hanging around?


Because I love him and I do desire him.


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Don't worry about that. Some people here always react negatively to any kind of open or poly, even when ethically done
> 
> Your husband's reasonings may have indeed been of good intent. Doesn't mean he executed it well or properly. And it is true that for some couples with sexual issues between them, but no other problems, open marriages can be helpful. The real question is it something that would work for you two? And more specifically, you?
> 
> ...


He would not agree with that. His statement is we do this together or not at all. So he wouldn’t let me venture and I am scared to try it again because what if he does perform then what? It is me...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Leila355 said:


> Because I love him and I do desire him.


But it doesn't sound mutual. Shouldn't there be a requirement that whoever you love loves You back?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I have to tell you this --- I BET your H took Viagra before the swapping session -- he just hid taking it and didn't let YOU know about it.
You should lose the weight for YOU -- for your health and kids.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Leila355 said:


> He would not agree with that. His statement is we do this together or not at all. So he wouldn’t let me venture and I am scared to try it again because what if he does perform then what? It is me...


In which case the reality is, it's him, not you. Regardless of your weight, there are men who will love you and want you sexually despite or even for it. 

So you have to ask yourself if you're willing to do without the sex or not? If not are you willing to get it elsewhere, even if it means he'll end up performing with another woman? If no, there, then that's it. There is no point to a marriage where you can't get all your needs met. Note needs not wants, which is why the ffirst question is so important to the follow up questions.

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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> *I BET your H took Viagra before the swapping session* -- he just hid taking it and didn't let YOU know about it.
> You should lose the weight for YOU -- for your health and kids.


For sure! His ex maybe left because he wasn't able to perform, and he has been taking Viagra since before you have known him. The change of scenery may have helped in the beginning with you but after awhile the novelty wore off. 

It doesn't sound to me like the swapping session was totally agreed with by you, for sure you didn't fully appreciate what would happen and how that would affect you. There are people in these forums who have lived the swinging life style and they will tell anyone this isn't something to participate in unless both partners are enthusiastic and have no jealousy issues watching their mate with another person.

Curious how your husband thought swapping was going to help YOU, since it is HIM with the problem.

BTW, the other guy coming three times with you shows you are attractive to a man, which ought to encourage you to become fit for YOU.

Thinking about this some more, your husband has no imagination using ED as an excuse for not giving you plenty of satisfaction. Him not being able to rise to the occasion just means he needs to work a little harder. His first wife probably also wondered why ED affected his hands and mouth. There are also these things called vibrators that come in many shapes, sizes, and capabilities. A lot of couples find them useful.

Since he is evidently your first and only until the infamous swap session, a little education wouldn't hurt. It's an old book, but there are recent editions, "The Joy of Sex". you ought to read it. I always thought the book presented a pretty well-rounded and thorough approach, and a lot of people have found it helpful. He should read it with you, because it seems to me his education is lacking too. You reading it ought to let him know you are working on yourself and not a victim of HIS problem. He might get worried that you are about to become his second ex.

I am not sure the physiology of "after baby" weight, but wonder if hormone balance is partially to blame. Maybe hormone check from your gyn wouldn't hurt. Then the negative images in the mirror produce feedback that makes matters worse. Another (old) book ( sorry ) is "Fit or Fat". Exercising 30 minutes every day aggressively will shave the weight off, the more you lose the better you will feel about yourself, the more you WANT to exercise and watch teh calorie intake.

Lastly, your weight isn't a barrier to a man loving you and wanting to be with you. I personally always thought Mama Cass was one of the sexiest women alive.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

No disrespect, but for some to say..."the fact that some guy nutted 3 times means you are desirable. sexy, etc, blah..." is kinda silly....I mean, sure, some guys do chase obese women, and there are some really heavy women that are in fact quite attractive, but using a "situational" sex encounter as a barometer for that isn't really that accurate...There are guys that would nut 3 times in a warthog...In those cases, a lot of guys will take it and run...Ask those same guys to date, bring home to family/friends etc, and they may not be a buyer....just sayin...

If you ever seen someone at one point, then 100lbs+ later, it's almost as if they are not the same person...They become unrecognizable from their former selves...Im not talking about a 250 lb man that gains 100lbs, but a 125 lb woman that does....The difference is very dramatic...


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Leila355 said:


> He would not agree with that. His statement is we do this together or not at all. So he wouldn’t let me venture and I am scared to try it again because what if he does perform then what? It is me...


No, it is you with him. It is the relationship you share, it's not you alone. You need to realize that what's missing from your relationship has far more to do with him than you.

By the way, don't worry about whether he needs to take Viagra before sex or not. Viagra does not create desire. It helps to enable desire. If he does not want to have sex, Viagra won't do anything. Having said that, Viagra can increase confidence and remove that barrier (fear of failure), and fear of failure is definitely a desire killer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

May I ask how old you are and how old he is? Might help with the advice, which should all pertain to you divorcing him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Leila355 said:


> He would not agree with that. His statement is we do this together or not at all. So he wouldn’t let me venture and I am scared to try it again because what if he does perform then what? It is me...


No this is him. No matter what is going on it is with him. There are plenty of husband so love and cherish their wives through weight gain and loss and other problems. 

While I recommend working on you. Especially the part where you let him have control over your emotions. Whether he wants to have sex with you or not is on him. You are still you, he is still married to you and he shouldn't ask you to have sex with other unless you are completely on board. 

Sounds to me like he wanted to swing and so used the doing it for you as an excuse. You don't have to look far to find men who pressure their wives to swing. If you are fine with it then that's between two married people but if you aren't you need to learn how to say no. How to be your own person.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I wonder what the responses would be if a woman came on here and started a thread about how her husband stopped bathing regularly, smells terrible, and she won't have sex with him...How might the women respond if the men all said...."hey, you married him, so you should love him and eff him no matter what, this isn't his problem, it's yours..".... 🙄

No...if she did in fact gain that much weight, then it is very likely her problem....For all we know, the wife swap and his shutting her off, may have never happened if she just bothered to look after herself.. People put on 10/20 lbs at different times, but that's never an issue, that's not the issue here.....And sometimes there are health issues that cause this type of weight gain, but the fact that she didn't mention it, means that's probably not the issue, either......

We don't know what his hang up is here, because he isn't here to chime in and tell us...Many guys will not get on their women for weight gain, even though it becomes a huge turnoff...Why? Because for most women it will crush them into the ground emotionally...so guys do what guys do....They avoid the conflict and figure out a way around it...and they hope the other person just finally "gets" it and decides to make changes of their own accord, without having to be told about it....sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't....

This goes for both men and women, I really wish that they had the feeling that they "owe" it to their mates to maintain appearances....No one is saying that everyone has to look like movie stars or pro athletes, but just an age appropriate and reasonable care for one's appearance and health...Far too often they never see that side of it, and problems, which may never have been an issue, wind up entering into what was otherwise a good relationship...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So first off she hasn't said anything about not bathing or anything like that. 

Second I can tell you my husband gained 120 pounds since our marriage. I have gained 25 after having a child. I still love him. IN fact we have more sex now then we did when we were both smaller.

So while any spouse would like a fit spouse if you love someone you love them. and if you don't love them and something like weight is bothering you then you discuss it like adults not by bringing up swinging.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> So first off she hasn't said anything about not bathing or anything like that.
> 
> Second I can tell you my husband gained 120 pounds since our marriage. I have gained 25 after having a child. I still love him. IN fact we have more sex now then we did when we were both smaller.
> 
> So while any spouse would like a fit spouse if you love someone you love them. and if you don't love them and something like weight is bothering you then you discuss it like adults not by bringing up swinging.


The point about a person not bathing was just an analogy, not to reflect anything the OP is doing or not doing...I thought i was pretty clear about that...

*But just because its ok for you, doesn't mean it's ok for everyone*...I have an old friend that's been incarcerated on and off for the majority of his adult life and yet his woman has been behind him the entire time, while most women(understandably) would have ditched him at the first sentence...And you can absolutely still love someone, but lose sexual attraction for them for any variety of reasons...You didn't start a thread about this topic, she did, and the fact that she brought it up(the weight) means it's probably at the root of the problem....Again, I can't say for sure, but it's certainly possible or even likely...

Telling a woman that you lost sexual appetite for her due to extreme weight gain will NEVER go well for practically ANY guy....No woman I know would take that well...Most would be devastated by that type of revelation, it would be like navigating a mine field.., its not an "adult conversation" like money planning or why one person is doing the lions share of the chores...

Bottom line is if you are trying to find an answer for a particular problem, one usually looks for the most obvious things first...I do agree that to use swinging as a way around this particular problem is ridiculous, but amazingly she actually went along with it...Most wouldn't...


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> May I ask how old you are and how old he is? Might help with the advice, which should all pertain to you divorcing him.


I am 24 years old he is 30.


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

So I guess I need to give an update. So after 6 years of being rejected. I mean I tried everything from lingerie to role playing to doing it in public places to surprise bj, at home, in the car, u think of it I was down. Till one day I just felt exhausted and I wanted to give up. But I wanted to know why he rejected me. So I got a ideas that by drinking he will tell me. 
so we both drank and he told me he wanted to give it a try. Because he said that he wanted me to get satisfaction even if it meant from someone else. I agreed because I though that is what I wanted sex but I guess not I wanted him. 
the guy I was with was fit and bigger and I honestly didn’t feel anything I don’t know if it was because I was drunk asf but it sucked! 
and as too him cuming 3 times your right the guy I was with might like chubby girls.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

hamadryad said:


> The point about a person not bathing was just an analogy, not to reflect anything the OP is doing or not doing...I thought i was pretty clear about that...
> 
> *But just because its ok for you, doesn't mean it's ok for everyone*...I have an old friend that's been incarcerated on and off for the majority of his adult life and yet his woman has been behind him the entire time, while most women(understandably) would have ditched him at the first sentence...And you can absolutely still love someone, but lose sexual attraction for them for any variety of reasons...You didn't start a thread about this topic, she did, and the fact that she brought it up(the weight) means it's probably at the root of the problem....Again, I can't say for sure, but it's certainly possible or even likely...
> 
> ...


Never said it has to work for him. Said that when you love someone it can work. I also said if it isn't working then you tell your spouse. What is your supposition. You never tell your spouse, you quit having sex with them and you wait years until the relationship is degraded or you or they cheat and then divorce? I mean if you don't work with your spouse on the issues you have then how do you expect them to get resolved? 

How long has your happy marriage lasted?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Your husband doesn’t sound like a half bad guy. I honestly think he meant well to swapped, but it ended up hurting you not helping you. As long as he knows that now and doesn’t ask for it again, I think you can forgive him. Not to mention you were a willing partner in all this. 


Personally If my boyfriend gained 100lbs I would no longer desire him. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him. But to be honest, I’m not sure I would have a whole lot of respect for him, and clearly he lost respect for himself if he left himself go. 


If you want to save your marriage, and have a long loving relationship you need to lost weight. Not for him. But for yourself. Love yourself, respect yourself, take care of your self. Why would he want to do those things for you when you don’t even do it for yourself.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Never said it has to work for him. Said that when you love someone it can work. I also said if it isn't working then you tell your spouse. What is your supposition. You never tell your spouse, you quit having sex with them and you wait years until the relationship is degraded or you or they cheat and then divorce? I mean if you don't work with your spouse on the issues you have then how do you expect them to get resolved?
> 
> How long has your happy marriage lasted?


You aren't a man and I guess you aren't a hundred pounds overweight, while your husband is staring at your size 2 friend and then comments on how bad you let yourself go after you haven't had sex with him in years......Sure....that would go over about as well as a fart in church..."Just a normal adult conversation".....Like some woman in that case is going to be inspired to be at her absolute best of shape in 60 days....Nope....The only chance that happens is if she gets dropped on her head over it...Then come the plastic surgeons, the personal trainers, etc....Too late.....

And really....do people really need a sit down discussion about why they added basically another whole person of fat to themselves? Do they not own a mirror?? 

I'm not starting threads asking for anyone's help, this aint about me...when that time comes feel free to chime in....just don't hold your breath, though... 😂


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

hamadryad said:


> You aren't a man and I guess you aren't a hundred pounds overweight, while your husband is staring at your size 2 friend and then comments on how bad you let yourself go after you haven't had sex with him in years......Sure....that would go over about as well as a fart in church..."Just a normal adult conversation".....Like some woman in that case is going to be inspired to be at her absolute best of shape in 60 days....Nope....The only chance that happens is if she gets dropped on her head over it...Then come the plastic surgeons, the personal trainers, etc....Too late.....
> 
> And really....do people really need a sit down discussion about why they added basically another whole person of fat to themselves? Do they not own a mirror??
> 
> I'm not starting threads asking for anyone's help, this aint about me...when that time comes feel free to chime in....just don't hold your breath, though... 😂


Again you change the situation to try to bolster your argument. It sad. No one said anything about having that conversation as you stare at your size two friend. 
But again you didn't give any real alternative. Oh that's right you think that looking in a mirror will help the other person to understand every thought in their head. 

I'll give you a hint most the time when a woman stops having sex with a man it's from resentment or an affair has started. The resentment is usually from not being given a place of priority. 

And of course you don't want to talk about your long successful marriage you just want to throw 'advice' out there that helps the OP how?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Again you change the situation to try to bolster your argument. It sad. No one said anything about having that conversation as you stare at your size two friend.
> But again you didn't give any real alternative. Oh that's right you think that looking in a mirror will help the other person to understand every thought in their head.
> 
> I'll give you a hint most the time when a woman stops having sex with a man it's from resentment or an affair has started. The resentment is usually from not being given a place of priority.
> ...


Ok....I don't know if it's a reading comprehension problem or convenient ignorance...Who is arguing about why women don't have sex with men?? I am giving a male perspective because that's one of the only things we can do in these cases(where we don't know what the other person is feeling)....

This really isn't that hard...

1-He's not banging her....but has plenty of desire to bang someone...
2) she's put on a ton of weight and is now morbidly obese (and presumably wasn't when she met him...)

...and your argument is that you have no problem having sex with your morbidly obese husband? I mean, more power to you, but numerous posters in this thread....including women....wouldn't agree..

The only contention I am making(among many others), is that its clearly quite possible that he's no longer sexually attracted to her in this state....It doesn't matter what anyone else can tolerate...Perhaps this guy can't....And I know from experience a lot of guys wouldn't either...And yes....many/most guys will NOT want to have this conversation with their wives, knowing full well it will damage them probably permanently....These issues aren't the same for the sexes...Guys call each other fat all the time...they joke about it...They call themselves fat....Its not nearly the same for women...

If I had a problem with a woman in a relationship context, I would welcome responses from women...That's pretty obvious, I would think...


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## Leila355 (Dec 19, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> Ok....I don't know if it's a reading comprehension problem or convenient ignorance...Who is arguing about why women don't have sex with men?? I am giving a male perspective because that's one of the only things we can do in these cases(where we don't know what the other person is feeling)....
> 
> This really isn't that hard...
> 
> ...


You are focusing on my weight gain. maybe because that is the only detail I shared? I am not sure but let me also tell you that the girl he picked to swap with was the same or maybe a little bigger than me. 🤷‍♀️
I respect your opinion thank you for sharing. About your personal experience. I agree that telling me that my weight gain is an issue could be hard for him thank you for stepping up. 
1. I also lost my confidence for obvious reasons, and he has mention that he liked how confident I was. 
2. We have a child and two mortgages. He has stressful job. I don’t know if you have kids but they are big **** blockers 😂
3. I am sorry for the confusion, we do have sex, but not as often as I want. Hence the tittle.

I appreciate your comments. Your point was made you don’t like fat women. maybe my husband doesn’t either. That was noted.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Forget about the swinging for a second and as a matter of fact forget about the sex issue for the time being. 

You have a young child and you have a personality disorder and have put on 100lbs in a short amount of time at 24.

Do you want to see your child go to school? Want to see him/her go to prom? Want to see him/her graduate? Go to college? Get married? Have grandchildren? 

If you answered yes to any of those, you need to get yourself straightened out and need to take control of your health and well being. 

Whether your H likes chubby chicks or not is irrelevant,,, you’re gonna die if you don’t get this taken care of.

At 24 you should be at the peak of your health and vitality and peak of your sexual market value and attractiveness. Guys of all ages should be lining up and kicking down your door to get with you. 

But somewhere along the way you got a hitch in yet gitalong and you’ve packed on 100lbs. That’s going to kill you if you let it.

If you got cancer would you be wondering if your H dug chicks with cancer? No! You’d be marching your butt to an oncologist and getting it treated to save your life. 
Why are you treating 100lbs of fat different than you would cancer??? 100 lbs of fat will rob you of a healthy and vigorous life, physical attractiveness and kill you just as dead as cancer. Treat it as such. Healthy Food and exercise are medicine. 

If your H is contributing to your unhealthy lifestyle and problems taking control of your health, then kick him out because it’s killing you. 

The bottom line here is you need to get fixed. You need to get fixed in your head. And you need to get fixed in your body. 

If you want to have a life, you’re going to have to save it. 

Once you get control of your life and get healthy, then you can worry about if your H can get it up with you or not. 

If he can and you guys have a good sex kids then - great!

If not, then if you are a mentally healthy and physically healthy, vigorous and attractive young women, then decent and functional guys will be coming out of the woodwork.

But ain’t no decent, healthy man worth a hoot is going to go for mentally unstable, 100lb overweight woman. 

Sure there are dudes that dig BBWs that will bang you for a night and get off 3 times whether you like it or not. That’s any chick. 

But a decent, healthy, functional, faithful, respectful, supportive man that will be there for you and have a home and family with you - you’re going to have to bring more to the table than a mental disorder and 100 lbs of extra weight.

Take control of your life back and fix yourself first. Worry about his penis later.


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