# what should i do...need guidance



## makaveli (Jul 8, 2010)

Here is my story...me and my wife are both military and we have to go away once in a while (not often) for training. Well my wife went for training 2 months ago for 2 weeks of training. She went with a co-worker that was a male and I didn't feel threatened by him. He was definitely not her type (I thought) because not to sound racist but she said she is not attracted to black men at all and he was black. She is also into fitness and likes for me to be in shape and this guy is overwieght. On top of everything, he supposedly has a girlfriend. I know it sounds bad saying those things but to me it, it just made me feel not threatened by him.

Anyways, right before she gets back from training she calls me and tells me she is not totally happy with our marriage. So, I ask her what she means and she proceeds to tell me that she feels like she is missing out in life because she got married young and had a kid young. 

When she got home she tells me that she is going to start doing stuff that makes her happy. So I was all for it if that was what is was going to take to make her happy. She said she doesn't feel comfortable talking on her cellphone in front me because she wants to have private girl talk with her friends. I thought that was very suspicious. Every time she talked on her phone she would run outside. On top of that, she would never leave her phone around me. So one night I check the phone bill and find out she was calling this one number all the time...like 95% of her calls and text messages was to this one number. So I call this number from a pay phone and a man answers. I hang up and check our recall roster and find out it is this guys number she went on the training with. 

I confront her about it and she blows up at me and tells me that she can be friends with whoever she wants to be friends with and that I shouldn't be snooping around...shortly after that she tells me she wants space. So I stay at my friends house for a couple of days. I didn't stop at checking just the phone bill...I bought some voice recorders and set them up in her car and in our house. I didn't know what to think but I had a gut feeling that my wife was cheating on me with this guy. 

So now I am hearing her conversations with this man and I can't hear everything because of noises in the house from the tv or noises from driving on the road. I do hear her saying things like making it sound like we are getting a divorce and I am trying to find an apartment and all of our stuff is payed for and it will be easy to split up the stuff.

So I confront her about all this stuff and tell her I don't want her talking to this man anymore because it is not helping our marriage get better...but making it worse. So she agreed on not talking to him as much. Well I wanted to believe her but I didn't so I snooped around our house and found out she bought a prepaid phone...so I couldn't see her calls to him on the phone bill.

Well the next day there was a base picnic and they both were there. I stood by her the whole time to make sure he couldn't hangout with her. When he left then I left but I set up the voice recorder in her car. She said she had some stuff to do after the picnic but she would be home shortly after that. When she got to the house I left and got the recorder and listened to it and found out she called him right after I left. I could tell he asked her to go to his house and she did. She also said that it was broad daylight and that he shouldn't give her a hard time about leaving early cause she can only stay for an hour. 

I went back to the house and told her i want a divorce if she continues to talk to him. I told her I knew where she was at and that I have been recording her conversations so I know she has been lying to me about a lot of stuff. I took her prepaid phone and destroyed it in front of her and told her to call this guy and tell him they can't be friends anymore. I asked her to tell me everything that happened between them and she said nothing sexual happened but she did say that she sent him pictures of her topless (I know, how can you do that kind of stuff but did nothing else right?). 

Well I continued to snoop on her to see if she was going to tell me the truth and she told me she can't trust me because she thinks everytime she is doing anything I am right around the corner snooping on her...but do you blame me if I did? Am I wrong for snooping around? I couldn't believe that my wife was telling me she didn't trust me...I think it should be the other way around...all I had to say about that was wow.

So 2 weeks go by and we are doing really good and I notice that she left early to go to the gas station. I thought that is weird cause she never left early before so I went to the gas station and asked the lady if a female with the description of my wife came in and used the pay phone (I know itcould be anyone but we work very early in the military so it's hard to mistaken my wife with someone else at 6 in the morning). The lady told me yes that she comes in all the time and gets quarters. So I worked my magic and called the customer service on the pay phone and told the person my story and they gave me the pay phone call history and what do you know...she called him that morning. I confronted her about it and she said she knew I was following her so she called him to see if I would jump out and she could prove to me she couldn't trust me because I was snooping again...lame excuse!!! 

Now we are good again and I know I have put up with alot more then most people would but we have a kid together and I love her so much. She claims that she wants nothing more then to make it work with us but right now trust is broken. My questions are...am I a fool for trying to make it work?...How do I get the trust back quicker cause it kills me to not trust the person I love?...Should I stop the snooping around? Please help..this is the roughest thing I have dealt with in my life and I am so lost right now...Thanks


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## BigB (Jul 4, 2010)

So, she thought it would be a good idea to gain your trust by calling him again? Instead of showing remorse, she is playing games with you. Is she a good mother who you can trust with the child? If yes, then get a divorce and move on. The child will be much better with a stable broken family rather than unstable game playing family that is still together for some godforsaken reason.

You are absolutely correct in snooping around. She should not be angry with you rather she should be ashamed that she has reduced you to being a confused, hurting, distrusting man. If she cannot see that your snooping around is a result of her indecent exposure and immoral attachment with the black dude, she is insensitive to your feeling and you should divorce her. If she can see that your snooping around is a result of her indecent exposure and immoral attachment with the black dude and still goes around playing games, she is plain sadistic and you should divorce her. Honestly, I do not know her, but from the picture you have painted in your post, I fail to see any redeeming quality in her. 

And, by the way, 

"The lady told me yes that she comes in all the time and gets quarters."

and 

"she said she knew I was following her so she called him to see if I would jump out and she could prove to me she couldn't trust me because I was snooping again..." 

do not match. She gets quarters "all the time" and yet, has called only today when you were following? If you are buying this bull****, I am speechless. 

She is a liar, an adulterer, insensitive and selfish. What more reason do you need for splitting and please do not give me the "For the child" Bull****. Read the thread that talks about children of cheating parents and you will know that having bickering parents will harm her/him more than divorced ones.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Trust your instincts. She's not being truthful to you know. When she shows anger and puts blame on you - it is her hiding something. Be strong for yourself. She is emotionally connected to that person and that is not easy to break. See if she'll go to some couselling with you - even if its with a minister, or whatever. OR what I did with my H when he was in denial - I said "Ok, then lets call you dad and see if HE thinks what you're doing is appropriate." Bringing in an outsider - making her face the reality of what she's doing could help. 
Trust yourself. You deserve truth.
Good luck. I'm sorry you have to experience this.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Am I correct in saying that this kind of fraternization in the military is not permitted? You could talk to the OM's superiors. 
You need to understand how affairs develope and how they end. Go to marriagebuilders.com and read, read, read. Surviving an Affair by Harley is the book you want to read immediately. Run to the bookstore. Go to my thread and read the May and June entries form Affaircare, Turnera and Tanelonpete. 
She has to have NO CONTACT with this man before yu can start a recovery. The things she does are textbook Wayward Spouse characteristics. So there is no surprise as to how she is behaving to us regulars here.
You seem to be strong and confident. No pleading, begging or groveling. She is shifting blame to you. Very typical. You need to ignore the foolish stuff coming out of her mouth. You need to insist on no contact and complete transparency. Find a pro-marriage marriage counsellor and start counselling. Follow Harley's Plan A. More to come? yes. Ask anything you want.


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