# When to start talking about legal stuff?



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

My H made it clear he doesn't want to be with me..so when I left and moved back home I knew he wanted to separate for good. Of course I am heartbroken and want nothing to do with a divorce but I also want to know whats going on. Should I ask H about the proceedings...if he's planning on filing or what hes planning to do about it? Or should I just not ask and wait for him to talk to me about it?

If you were the spouse who didn't want to separate/divorce when did you first talk to your DH/W about this stuff..or did you wait for them to talk to you about it ? We've only been separated for 3 weeks.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Well, I think it's a good idea to at least consult with an attorney now that there's been a physical separation. That way, you have a good idea of your legal rights, where/when you can file if it comes to that, and what financial issues there will be to tie up. An attorney will give you some peace of mind.
That's what I did as soon as we separated. 

It then took me a few more months and I was the one who filed. I never talked to him about it. I just did it. He had to know it going to be coming at some point and the fact that he never really reacted just proves that he didn't want the M anymore. 

Whatever you decide, I wouldn't talk to him right now if I were in your position. If you don't have any kids and there are no major financial issues to discuss, there's no reason to contact him about it. He's not your friend. Don't tip your hand about anything. Plus, talking with him about ending the marriage is only going to upset you. It is a horrible thing to have to do it. I have children with stbxh so we did have to discuss things like visitation schedules and other things that about killed me to have to hear. If there are no children involved, just turn your back and let the lawyer handle it when you're ready. 

Remember what we said in the prior post - take care of yourself right now. Dealing with him is only going to hurt you more and reopen these very raw wounds. 

See a lawyer and take care of yourself. He is no longer your concern.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

File yourself and get on with your life. You said he made it clear that he doesn't want to be with you and you have already moved out. There's no point in waiting for him while you sit in limbo. If he changes his mind after you file and you want to reconcile, you can always drop the filing.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Thanks guys I know you are right, I just cant seem to bring myself to do it...yet.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

sadand said:


> But I don't think I can bring myself to be the one who does the D. I have no way out of it, since H is saying there is no option. Can't do it.


I am at this point too. H hasn't said anything about a lawyer. 
Not that I am counting on him telling me, I just think he would as he isn't vicious about the whole thing. 
I feel like if he is the one who wants out of the marriage, he should be the one who has to file.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

sadand said:


> A lot to do that I don't want to talk about but I know it is coming


Yeah me too. I just don't wanna talk about it with him, its painful.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

caughtdreaming said:


> My H made it clear he doesn't want to be with me..so when I left and moved back home I knew he wanted to separate for good. Of course I am heartbroken and want nothing to do with a divorce but I also want to know whats going on. Should I ask H about the proceedings...if he's planning on filing or what hes planning to do about it? Or should I just not ask and wait for him to talk to me about it?
> 
> If you were the spouse who didn't want to separate/divorce when did you first talk to your DH/W about this stuff..or did you wait for them to talk to you about it ? We've only been separated for 3 weeks.


I started talking about this stuff AS SOON AS I quit feeling sorry for myself; in other words, when I was no longer having pity party's with myself. Once I got over the initial shock of the news, I started laying out a plan for us to separate. The plan included stuff like selling the house, splitting up property, plans for our 401K retirement funds, Stocks, investments, debt, etc. Since we are in a community property state and our kids are all adults and married, it really wasn't too difficult for us to talk about this, I just made sure that I wasn't going to get screwed in the deal, as well as I wanted to make sure she got her equal share.

Anyway, the answer to your question for me was as soon as I was able to get my thoughts straight. If you get a lawyer straight away, then you don't have to worry about that but if you are going to handle the divorce yourselves (pro se), I would wait until I had ample time to consider everything carefully and I would do it when my mind and emotions weren't pre-occupied with still grieving for the marriage. Just my thought on it.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Well BL, 
I'm still very much in the process of throwing pity party's for myself. They involve junk food but no balloons or presents. I thought it would be better to wait until my brain allowed me to process information again too. He hasn't contacted me about the divorce. I have nothing to lose or nothing to gain anyways so, I will just be waiting until he brings it up. 

I seriously wake up everyday and wonder if it's the day hes going to msg/call about it. He's the one that will have to pay for it.


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