# what changes a women after marriage



## goingcrazy2 (May 11, 2010)

Been married six years, two kids 6 and 3. Before we got married and before kids our sex life was unbelievable. Now my wife never iniates, doesn't want me to touch her, if we do have sex its normally sex only no foreplay. I also feel like we have sex once or twice a month only because she feels like we should not because she wants it. I am one of those guys who is constantly telling her how beautifull she is, I help with kids and around the house. I feel like we are perfect for each other and we get along great except for this. I have talked to her many times over the last cople of years. I ask can I do anything different, is there something missing, what would make it better for you and I feel like I get no where. The other thing is when we do have sex she never touches me or pleasures me and she was big on this before. So I'm frustrated and confused, she says shes attracted to me and in love with me but can't show it.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Push the issue and LISTEN to confirm there is nothing else that is making her "hold back". 

I personally think some of what you are describing is true of many marriages. While there are exceptions and this crosses genders it seems generally men have needs and women have wants. 

Sometimes i find my wife's lack of interest is driven by some other dissatisfaction. It sometimes comes out after a dry spell. Seems like i am a little dense to her comments. Even aside from those episodes in general for me and other men there seems to be a dissconnect.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Sex for women is mostly mental and emotional goingcrazy2. Have you sat down together and just discussed it when either of you were not mad? It's hard to have a deep meaningful conversation when we are angry/emotional/upset. 

While you may be doing acts of service and kind words, her trigger may very well be something else. Each of us has certain love languages that speak the deepest to us. Maybe your wife wants to be touch and cuddled more. Maybe she wants you just to listen instead of talk. Maybe she wants to spend more time together. It could be many different things. Many times we assume we know what makes our spouses tick, but we can be wrong. Other times life just gets in the way and we forget that we stopped doing x and that's when the issues in bed started. 

Below is an example of what I am talking about the love languages...

Assessments | Five Love Languages


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am not sure why this has to be like deciphering the DaVinci Code for guys.


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## Aero (May 10, 2010)

What happens to romance after marriage? Thats the problem, we still want flowers, surprises and take her away for a day or two just the 2 of you and spoil her. But it must be some place romantic.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I am not sure why this has to be like deciphering the DaVinci Code for guys.


:smthumbup: Because women are so more emotionally complex then most guys are. We are simple creatures. Fight, F***, Food (rinse and repeat). It goes back to the whole nature vs nuture issue. We are from nature designed to be ready to go at all times. Women generally need to be nurtured to be ready to go. 

Take a look at animals in nature, the things males go through in order to "win" over the woman. They grow huge horns, fight, put on a show, etc. It's the same generally from insects all the way up to primates. 

We males perform those things for our mates early on in a relationship. Women are biologically set to have those things excite them and turn on that sex drive. Once married, we males feel we no longer have to put on that show. Once we do that, our ladies interest generally goes away. But, if you keep putting on that show, she will keep being interested. It's just how nature is, she can be one cruel mistress.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

goingcrazy2-

Read my article here: Sexless Marriage?
See if you fit any of the descriptions...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Crypsys said:


> :smthumbup: Because women are so more emotionally complex then most guys are. We are simple creatures. Fight, F***, Food (rinse and repeat). It goes back to the whole nature vs nuture issue. We are from nature designed to be ready to go at all times. Women generally need to be nurtured to be ready to go.
> 
> Take a look at animals in nature, the things males go through in order to "win" over the woman. They grow huge horns, fight, put on a show, etc. It's the same generally from insects all the way up to primates.
> 
> We males perform those things for our mates early on in a relationship. Women are biologically set to have those things excite them and turn on that sex drive. Once married, we males feel we no longer have to put on that show. Once we do that, our ladies interest generally goes away. But, if you keep putting on that show, she will keep being interested. It's just how nature is, she can be one cruel mistress.



thats a great explanation


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Yes, but in the animal kingdom there is no marriage (maybe penguins and lobsters mate for life?).... so males are always showing off to win the female. The problem is, if too much time has gone by where the husband hasnt showed off, the woman will still be annoyed with any attempt because its like "why now, why all of a sudden and not before?" SO, keep doing it from the get go and there will be no problem Sorry guys, you know I usually have your back...


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## BALDBEAVEREATER (Apr 1, 2010)

We must have married the same women.:scratchheadon't feel like the Lone Ranger.Trust me most men go through this at some point in their marriage. This just one of thoose things that happen in a marriage.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

damn, kinda in the same boat as you..could we get a clear answer from all the ladies on this board..why is sex so much work???????


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Aero said:


> What happens to romance after marriage? Thats the problem, we still want flowers, surprises and take her away for a day or two just the 2 of you and spoil her. But it must be some place romantic.


Negative. They simply assume the flowers, surprises, and romantic getaways are all pretexts for sex - so eventually they resent those too.

A host of issues have been discussed. Everything from love languages, to men being too passive, or too overbearing, too doting, or too distant.

Where kids are concerned, it seems the overwhelming reason for the death of sex is because mothers have children that consistently pull from their emotional well all day. Come night time, when you as a husband want to connect with your wife, she doesn't view it as an opportunity to emotionally bond, express love, meet each others needs and strengthen the relationship. At the end of the day, she views you as just another body that wants something from her, and she feels obligated, or pressured, or coerced to deliver. Eventually, whether conscious or unconscious, she resents it and you. Sex takes on the dynamic of just another body that wants to draw from her emotional well - instead of a bonding experience that can replenish the emotional well.

I have said it in the past, as have a few others, there seems to be a fundamental disconnect when agreeing to a union. I got married to have a wife. My wife got married to have children. Our relationship as a couple evaporated when we became parents. It shouldn't happen. 

The other enemy is simple familiarity and routine.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

BALDBEAVEREATER said:


> This just one of thoose things that happen in a marriage.


It need not. It just depends on how determined you are to have sex in your life or not. You need to make up your mind. I know I have 

Once your mind is made up, you will quite naturally go on a journey of self discovery that will gradually unlock the secrets of the female's chastity. Good luck. It's not like I haven't written about it - _ad nausium_.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

I just think it takes two to make it happen..does not matter how hard one person tries if the partner is just not interested and does not want it there's not much you can really do...you can try doing all the things around the house, take care of the kids but it will only be more frustrating to find her on the couch passed out while your doing these things..not because she's tired, but just has a lazy mentality on relationships..not saying that's your case..but that's what often happens..


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## sooner2000 (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Negative. They simply assume the flowers, surprises, and romantic getaways are all pretexts for sex - so eventually they resent those too.
> 
> A host of issues have been discussed. Everything from love languages, to men being too passive, or too overbearing, too doting, or too distant.
> 
> ...


Very true post.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Deejo's post is really good - and really true. And it is also an obstacle that can be overcome. But to do that - you have to understand what YOUR woman wants - and to be fair - you have to be a good enough match to have a shot. 

I have always had a brutally honest communication pattern with my wife. The bad news is it sometimes hurts. The good news is I understand her through and through. 

For her - that book "mating in captivity" is really really true. A certain emotional distance - not cold - not indifferent - but a light reserve - creates intense sexual heat. 

And on top of that I know the long list of things that turns her off and the equally long list that turns her on. But unless you are "good at your wife" in AND out the bedroom - the kids slowly suck her into the pit of indifference. A place where YOUR emotional state is simply not that important to her. And once that happens - unless she is naturally horny - and my wife is NOT. You are completely not fuuked. 





Deejo said:


> Negative. They simply assume the flowers, surprises, and romantic getaways are all pretexts for sex - so eventually they resent those too.
> 
> A host of issues have been discussed. Everything from love languages, to men being too passive, or too overbearing, too doting, or too distant.
> 
> ...


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## facade (May 12, 2010)

I think that Okeydokie hit the nail on the head!!! My husband and I have been married for five years. When we first were married he made me feel the only person in the world that he wanted to be with. Six months after we married we moved to another state due to his job (military). After we moved he treated me more like a live in nanny/maid than he did a lover. He didn't invite me out to work functions anymore, he had me buying my own birthday and christmas presents and i had to wrap them and be surprised, and he didn't tell me he loved me anymore.
This caused me to fall into a huge slump of depression. I went to a couselor, alone of course, and it helped me get everything into perspective. I realized that he needs to know that I need those things. I need to feel like a priority. After we were married he expected me to just know that he loves me. But I didn't want him to touch me, or to make love to me. It was an effort that i was putting out, but he would get his and just be done. There was no foreplay, no kissing, he didn't even hold me. He would put me in the position that he wanted me in and do his thing...
I think there is an underlying problem. Whether or not she wants to talk about it with you is another issue. Maybe she doesn't even know what the problem is. That is where I was. That's when I turned to a counselor. I had to work on myself before I could make my marriage better. 
Things are still rocky for us in the "faithful" department..but at least now I know it's not me...and he has finally realized that I'm moving on with my life wheather or not he wants to be a part of it. I have to do this, for my kids, for myself.
Hopefully this will help...from a woman's perspective.


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## DYA (Jul 14, 2012)

I was about to write about my issue, but then spotted this post, which exactly describes what I am going thru, word by word. It is funny, even our kids age matches perfectly. 
I understand that it can be explained by changes in me, but when I am asking my wife what happened, why has sex for you changed so drastically? She keeps saying that our sex is the same as all years we have been together, and this response really freaks me out and makes me feel like I am crazy!


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I think some it can come back to a woman simply not understanding how important good sex is for a husband to remain connected. I know I didn't.
As a mother, you do get tired of having constant demands made of you, it can get hard to separate the demands of kids & those 'demands' of a husband for sex. Because it becomes less important for the wife, she assumes the husband is being selfish in asking for it.
So, the husband begins to disconnect from the wife, the wife feels this disconnect & the sex becomes even less & more grudging.
If only we felt freer to talk to each other about these things without either party getting their backs up & a huge fight ensuring.
Sorry, I have not real solution, we learnt this the very hard way & are still learning about communication.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am a woman and I'm not all that complex. Treat me like your girlfriend, I'll treat you like my boyfriend....or visa versa.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

DYA said:


> I was about to write about my issue, but then spotted this post, which exactly describes what I am going thru, word by word. It is funny, even our kids age matches perfectly.
> I understand that it can be explained by changes in me, but when I am asking my wife what happened, why has sex for you changed so drastically? She keeps saying that our sex is the same as all years we have been together, and this response really freaks me out and makes me feel like I am crazy!


I noticed the OP posted once 2 years ago, but since you're presumably here let's speak to your issues assuming they're exactly the same.

Since the timeframe of the OP this book has come out:

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

I'd recommend reading this. It was recommended to me and it worked. 

There is biology behind this. If you're getting sex once a month, that can be an interesting way of identifying "hey, there really is something going on biologically here." Do you notice that if you have sex once a month, that it's always a fairly repeatable number of days after her period started? There's a good chance that when you get some action once a month, it's happenning when she's ovulating. Ovulation gives women hormones that make them horny.

And that's the point - horniness is a product of hormones. Now, some people will say that she should learn to appreciate the male need for sex and so forth... That's nice, and we as human beings can be capable of doing things that are contrary to our biological drives, but hey - if we can appeal to our partner's biological drives, why not generate the desire we're after naturally? You can go after it intellectually if you want, but having kids and the emotional burdens of meeting their demands can leave people without the energy for that.

When you think about it in that context, you can see why being the nice guy and asking what you need to do to have more sex is actually contrary to creating attraction. Part of it is whether you have the attitude that creates attraction... Part of it is looks.

I like talking about the attitude thing because it's easiest to fix, and if you haven't put on lots of weight it might be enough to turn things around.

So consider this example: Dinner time comes around. Do you ask "What do you want for dinner?" And does this result in her being indecisive or frustrated? You've been together long enough to know what she likes. Just suggest something "I'd like to have itallian for dinner, let's go to Olive Garden." Substitute whatever you really want, and now it's much simpler - she can go with it or decline, she doesn't have to exercise her brain to come up with a plan. You've just been a man that takes charge, and are more attractive to her on a primal level.

That's the kind of attitude it takes. And here's another fact, she doesn't understand the problem well enough to tell you what to do. She'll tell you to do things because she wants you to do them for reasons that have nothing to do with becoming sexually attracted to you. But here's the bottom line, she's having sex with you once a month - that's a clue that she does want sex. So the problem is not that she doesn't want sex, what she isn't telling you is that the problem is that she doesn't want sex with you. She doesn't want to tell you that she doesn't want to have sex with you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or endanger the comfort she gets from you providing, but that security doesn't create sexual desire.

The book does a much better job of going into all that, so I recommend it. The link in my signature goes to tell about what I went through a couple months ago. My wife was about to seperate. Now we have sex just about daily, and she's a lot happier now - even in spite of the fact we're going through some tough times right now.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I have said it in the past, as have a few others, there seems to be a fundamental disconnect when agreeing to a union. I got married to have a wife. My wife got married to have children. Our relationship as a couple evaporated when we became parents. It shouldn't happen. .


Good point! I too, got married to have a wife. I thought my x wife got married to have me and that everything else, like children, just naturally came along, but she may have had a totally different view.


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## TMCK (Jul 15, 2012)

Here's a view I haven't read here. As a married lady of 12 years, I have no idea why there isn't nookie going on for you. I 'attack' my husband almost daily. Thus, my sex drive has always been greater than his...is no different now. I accept him and he accepts me. Talk to each other and decide if you both want to be together with your different need in sex.


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## enso (Jun 9, 2012)

goingcrazy2 said:


> Been married six years, two kids 6 and 3. Before we got married and before kids our sex life was unbelievable. Now my wife never iniates, doesn't want me to touch her, if we do have sex its normally sex only no foreplay. I also feel like we have sex once or twice a month only because she feels like we should not because she wants it. I am one of those guys who is constantly telling her how beautifull she is, I help with kids and around the house. I feel like we are perfect for each other and we get along great except for this. I have talked to her many times over the last cople of years. I ask can I do anything different, is there something missing, what would make it better for you and I feel like I get no where. The other thing is when we do have sex she never touches me or pleasures me and she was big on this before. So I'm frustrated and confused, she says shes attracted to me and in love with me but can't show it.


 Have you done anything to show her you love her ? (ie flowers sent to work - wife likes this then given at home), arrange a night out without the kids, ..etc. Show her how special she is to you. 
Get a babysitter on regularly basis and connect with her outside of the house. Think of that you did before you married and try to repeat that more often.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Deejo made me stop and think with the quote, "I married to have a wife, she married to have children."

I had both of my children without marriage. The second baby being my now husband's...but I guess I was ready to be a wife. I don't know. I had listened to my married friends' HORRIBLE stories (male and female) in my 20s so that helped me see things better...and I learned a great bit.

Granted, I did hit a weird place for a while with health issues and depression, but we worked through it.


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## Jersey86 (Jul 4, 2012)

Great thread! I have no answers but we are in therapy for this same thing. When we do have sex once a month. She is not there.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Aero said:


> What happens to romance after marriage? Thats the problem, we still want flowers, surprises and take her away for a day or two just the 2 of you and spoil her. But it must be some place romantic.


Agree, but the problem I've seen from reading these threads is sometimes either partner does not appropriately adjust their expectations for sex and romance. We, as men, know that you still want the romance and do try. But, maintaining what is touted as a good romantic life around here is more taxing - requires more effort - than a good sex life. But if the typical dude spends 60 hours a week at work or commuting to work, then meets household duties, then wants to spend time with the kids as well, it simply might not be possible to consistently spend a lot of alone time together.

So, IMO the advice of "romance her more" can be taken too far. I would tell the dude to be more romantic and know that sex won't be like it was. I would tell the lady likewise to be more sexual and know that the romance will fall off also. Also, romantic does not require getting a sitter and having dinner out, or taking a weekend off if schedules and money do not allow. If he washes your car, watches TV with you instead of the game, etc. that should count. And, if it does not work for you, you should tell him what does work.

Let's not forget that (1) sex is free and (2) a decent sex takes only 90 minutes a week - very little. A couple with a family often cannot get away for regular romantic dinners or spend hours together every night. When you look at some of the posts it seems that, of the total time spent on relationship, some advocate heavily prioritizing the non-sexual part, which implicity rates sex as less important. I would advocate a more even split. If you have two days a week where you can devote time to the relationship, spend one doing the romantic thing and one having good sex. Nothing wrong with a straight 50 / 50 split.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

goingcrazy2 said:


> Been married six years, two kids 6 and 3. Before we got married and before kids our sex life was unbelievable. Now my wife never iniates, doesn't want me to touch her, if we do have sex its normally sex only no foreplay. I also feel like we have sex once or twice a month only because she feels like we should not because she wants it. I am one of those guys who is constantly telling her how beautifull she is, I help with kids and around the house. I feel like we are perfect for each other and we get along great except for this. I have talked to her many times over the last cople of years. I ask can I do anything different, is there something missing, what would make it better for you and I feel like I get no where. The other thing is when we do have sex she never touches me or pleasures me and she was big on this before. So I'm frustrated and confused, she says shes attracted to me and in love with me but can't show it.


Both the husband AND wife change. Kids really change things. 

Checkout Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.. Really the book is the way to go.

Also worth looking into is doing His Needs her Needs together along with the boundary setting.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Negative. They simply assume the flowers, surprises, and romantic getaways are all pretexts for sex - so eventually they resent those too.
> 
> A host of issues have been discussed. Everything from love languages, to men being too passive, or too overbearing, too doting, or too distant.
> 
> ...


Wow. What a great post this is. Tell it like it is sir.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

WillK said:


> I But here's the bottom line, she's having sex with you once a month - that's a clue that she does want sex.


I was with you all the way up to this part.

Having that little sex with him might mean that is the least he will tolerate (your own post mentions the female need for stability). Or, it might mean she seeks validation (he wants me - I still "have it"). Or, she might be avoiding guilt ("I am a sinner if I do not have sex with my husband").

The point is this little bit of sex proves nothing except maybe she is not totally repulsed by him. That does not mean there is no benefit to improving himself and meeting his own needs. But, you are building up false hope by saying he has it right there for the taking.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

DTO said:


> I was with you all the way up to this part.
> 
> Having that little sex with him might mean that is the least he will tolerate (your own post mentions the female need for stability). Or, it might mean she seeks validation (he wants me - I still "have it"). Or, she might be avoiding guilt ("I am a sinner if I do not have sex with my husband").
> 
> The point is this little bit of sex proves nothing except maybe she is not totally repulsed by him. That does not mean there is no benefit to improving himself and meeting his own needs. But, you are building up false hope by saying he has it right there for the taking.


Once a month, a woman ovulates, and when she ovulates her sex drive is at a peak. If she doesn't want it then, it might suggest a medical problem. If she does want it then, it might suggest that she can set aside the real problem enough to have sex with him. The real problem being that she doesn't want to have sex with him, not that she doesn't want sex.

Yes there could be other reasons at play, but when it comes to things that don't seem to make sense, my first guess is looking at biological drive factors that aren't usually rational.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> damn, kinda in the same boat as you..could we get a clear answer from all the ladies on this board..why is sex so much work???????


For a lot of women sex is not work at all. You just decided to marry a woman for whom sex has become a chore.

In my marriage it's been my husband how acts like your wife does. It's not all that uncommon for men to do this as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

facade said:


> After we were married he expected me to just know that he loves me. But I didn't want him to touch me, or to make love to me. It was an effort that i was putting out, but he would get his and just be done. There was no foreplay, no kissing, he didn't even hold me. He would put me in the position that he wanted me in and do his thing...



A lot of my female freinds express that this is what their sex life becomes after marriage.

They do not feel to be a priorty to their husband. There is not dating, no romance and he just wants to get off quickly. Some of their husbands have even expresses that women's lib has ruined women by making them think they are supposed to enjoy sex and have orgasms all the time.

Gee the guys get orgasms? The gals aren't supposed to? Who made that rule? :scratchhead:


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

You've described my relationship exactly. When we had been married six years we had 2 kids (5, 2). The sex began tapering off after the first pregnancy. I constantly found myself begging for sex or getting angry when she would say, "Not tonight" or "I'm beat. I just want to go to bed". At that time, I sat down and talked to her about the lack of sex and the fact that I always had to initiate it. I said I couldn't live like that and I would leave if things didn't improve. She then agreed to have sex twice per week, Thursdays and Sundays.

We have now been married 14 years and we have 4 kids. We still have sex twice per week, but it's just that...sex. There is no passion, not much foreplay if any, I can't kiss her breasts because it "tickles". I attempted to add passion and foreplay into our sex life by trying to cuddle more, kiss more, etc., but my efforts were met with resistance. Now I was scared. I began to think she didn't love me anymore and was just going through the motions. I thought that maybe she could be having an affair even. She never gave me any reason to suspect that, but when my efforts were met with resistance, my mind started spinning. 

I requested we go to MC, which she agreed to do. If she had said no, I would have probably left her or at least threatened to. We have now been in counseling 5 weeks and it seems to be going well. I was able to lay my emotions out on the table and she understood the seriousness of the issue. 

We haven't increased the number of sexual encounters, it's still twice per week, but the quality of our intimacy is better than even I expected. There's some foreplay, some making out (like high school kids) and more cuddling. 

Perhaps it time to seek an independent third party like a MC or a priest, etc.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So then we can conclude that busy moms will never ever have affairs that consist almost entirely of just sex then? To me, that's simply an affect of 'you can have it all' even if you have crush everyone in your path to get it. 

Women, or most women who don't have sex aren't having sex with you. Once you're deleted from the equation all bets are off. Every single married or formerly married I know fairly well cheated on her husband in a sexual affair while specifically not having sex with her husband. Not having sex clearly isn't about not wanting to have sex - it's about not wanting to have sex with you.

Or, they're all sociopaths and sex is just soulless currency to get something else. Your pick.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Negative. They simply assume the flowers, surprises, and romantic getaways are all pretexts for sex - so eventually they resent those too.
> 
> A host of issues have been discussed. Everything from love languages, to men being too passive, or too overbearing, too doting, or too distant.
> 
> ...


Awesome post, which basically describes my situation, to every tiny last detail..


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When women (or men too) use sex as a weapon eventually it's just a Pyrrhic victory. Congratulations. You burned down the village to save it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> So then we can conclude that busy moms will never ever have affairs that consist almost entirely of just sex then?



Not all zombie thread resurrections are bad ...









Good stuff. And true.

Most guys are oblivious when they are digging the 'resentment well'. Especially when they are following the advice of being more helpful and loving ... and as a result are actually making things _worse_. If she has lost attraction to you, there is nothing worse you can do than turning n the romance.

Dig the well deep enough, and it becomes part of the rationalization for being sexual outside of the marriage.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Here's a poser, though... Suppose a guy is trying to turn up the romance and he hopes the outcome is more sex. I get that the woman will resent him for doing the romance just so that he can get sex.

But if the guy does things right and creates attraction, he's still doing it for sex but it's okay. So is it REALLY the guy's fault that trying romance to get sex fails? Or is this a reflection of a social conditioning?

I mean it really doesn't add up that there are two ways a guy can try to get sex - one of them works, and either way he does seek the same result.

So why the resentment? Is it because he's asking for something he doesn't deserve when he doesn't create the necessary attraction? Or is it because it's wrong for him to want sex when she doesn't want it because of all the social conditioning (e.g. no means no)

To further my point, if resentment is necessarily the result of a man wanting sex when he isn't creating the attraction - wouldn't the counterpoint be all the times that women do have sex when they aren't in the mood and they do it out of an understanding of their husband's sexual needs?


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