# My wife is petty and constantly paranoid



## concernedperson (Oct 22, 2014)

My wife constantly feels that the world is against her. She loves her friends and family, but feels as if my friends want to undermine her. A few good friends of mine are teachers and have recently applied for the same teaching position my wife has. One of them asked my wife if she heard anything back, and wife got furious calling her a snooper and nosey *****, etc... I tried to defend my friend saying she's generally good natured im sure she was just curious. Then she got mad at me... i dont quite understand it. i think this jealousy is quite ugly on people. this is one example there have been many in the past. what should i do?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She ever have / had issues with drugs?


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Does she have an outlet to release some of her pent up frustration?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

concernedperson said:


> My wife constantly feels that the world is against her. She loves her friends and family, but feels as if my friends want to undermine her. A few good friends of mine are teachers and have recently applied for the same teaching position my wife has. One of them asked my wife if she heard anything back, and wife got furious calling her a snooper and nosey *****, etc... I tried to defend my friend saying she's generally good natured im sure she was just curious. Then she got mad at me... i dont quite understand it. i think this jealousy is quite ugly on people. this is one example there have been many in the past. what should i do?


So your female friends and your wife are in competition for the same job? 
Ya, I'd want my H on my side too. Not that the wife is all in the right but it's stressful and if he was defending a female friend saying how nice and good natured she really was, while she was competing for the same job and using my H's friendship with her to get info about the position, it would annoy me. 

A lot of people don't even want their spouse to have opposite sex friends. Are you sure he jealousy has no basis?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Does she accuse you of cheating ?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

concernedperson said:


> My wife constantly feels that the world is against her. She loves her friends and family, but feels as if my friends want to undermine her. A few good friends of mine are teachers and have recently applied for the same teaching position my wife has. One of them asked my wife if she heard anything back, and wife got furious calling her a snooper and nosey *****, etc... I tried to defend my friend saying she's generally good natured im sure she was just curious. Then she got mad at me... i dont quite understand it. i think this jealousy is quite ugly on people. this is one example there have been many in the past. what should i do?


After my divorce, I did a lot of counselling.

In doing so I have learnt an incredible amount about myself and have grown in many ways that I never would have without counselling. 

I also realised many things about myself that have completely changed my view on life. I am so much happier, calmer and more confident now. I also care a lot less about what others think.

I am now of the opinion that EVERY person should see a counsellor periodically (say every 5 years) as a personal check up. 

My wife tried to get me to go but I just said I didn't need it. I did.

It sounds to me like your wife may lack some personal confidence. I think that personal counselling would be a fantastic way for her to explore that and work on herself.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

concernedperson said:


> My wife constantly feels that the world is against her. She loves her friends and family, but feels as if my friends want to undermine her. A few good friends of mine are teachers and have recently applied for the same teaching position my wife has. One of them asked my wife if she heard anything back, and wife got furious calling her a snooper and nosey *****, etc... I tried to defend my friend saying she's generally good natured im sure she was just curious. Then she got mad at me... i dont quite understand it. i think this jealousy is quite ugly on people. this is one example there have been many in the past. what should i do?


 Why would you try to defend your friend over your wife?

In general, head on approach for above is NOT recommended. Even if you agree with your friend, you have to approach it in a sensitive way. 

Explain to her what your friend was trying to do and why. Put her in his shoes etc.

It sounds to me like there is some resentment towards your friends. Are you spending more time with your wife than friends? Are your friends "friends of your marriage"?

You have to dig deep, your wife clearly feels threatened by your friends FOR A VERY good reason.

Usually there is a GOOD reason for everything, figure out what that reason is!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Do you have a lot of female friends, OP?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

OP's first sentence is "My wife constantly feels that the world is against her". 

So she obviously has some kind of victim thing going on psychologically. People like this are always on the lookout for things to complain about. 

That said, the OP should know this and not try to defend his friend because he should know that it will be misinterpreted. Almost anything he says when his wife is feeling persecuted by the world will be the wrong thing. 

If there's a good job up for grabs and you and your friend both go for it, does that automatically make your friend an enemy? No, that's effed up thinking. It's a good job, why wouldn't other people want it? Lets face it, OP's wife might not be equipped to deal with conflict very well, no matter how minor (as in this case) it is.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what if everyone *is* out to get her?


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## MNLawenforcement (Oct 8, 2014)

concernedperson said:


> My wife constantly feels that the world is against her. She loves her friends and family, but feels as if my friends want to undermine her. A few good friends of mine are teachers and have recently applied for the same teaching position my wife has. One of them asked my wife if she heard anything back, and wife got furious calling her a snooper and nosey *****, etc... I tried to defend my friend saying she's generally good natured im sure she was just curious. Then she got mad at me... i dont quite understand it. i think this jealousy is quite ugly on people. this is one example there have been many in the past. what should i do?



Paranoia has serious complications. If this is true clinical paranoia (and I am not a doctor, so I can't diagnose something like that) you want to make sure to have her speak to a mental health professional. In my job I deal with a lot of people suffering from paranoia and it becomes dangerous for themselves and their loved ones.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

concernedperson said:


> My wife constantly feels that the world is against her. She loves her friends and family, but feels as if my friends want to undermine her. A few good friends of mine are teachers and have recently applied for the same teaching position my wife has. One of them asked my wife if she heard anything back, and wife got furious calling her a snooper and nosey *****, etc... I tried to defend my friend saying she's generally good natured im sure she was just curious. Then she got mad at me... i dont quite understand it. i think this jealousy is quite ugly on people. this is one example there have been many in the past. what should i do?


The example you have given does not speak to your wife being unreasonably paranoid or jealous at all. I think most reasonable people would be annoyed given the situation you have described. Its always a sticky interpersonal situation when two people who know each other are competing for the same job. 

Its tactless of your friend to even bring the subject up in my opinion, although it does not warrant your wife's over the top response. I would have just said that that I don't feel comfortable discussing the search with her. 

But given the fact that the the friend is opposite sex, and you seem to be supporting your female friend over your wife in this, even going so far as to call you wife "paranoid," does not reveal that you have a high level of respect for your wife. The female friend is "nice and good natured," while your wife is "paranoid and jealous." If she is job hunting, why are you supporting your friend over your spouse?

Maybe your wife has a history of being paranoid or jealous that you have not fully revealed in your post. But again, in the particular situation you have described, I would be reasonably annoyed to be asked about a job search by a competitor in the first place, and even more annoyed to have my husband take the competitor's side. Doesn't sound like paranoia to me.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My wife is somewhat like that. She takes innocent comments as attacks on her (or me or the kids). While I don't "yes" her to death I do take what she says with an understanding that this is how she is.

Also, you need to at least appear to be on her side in these situations. It's not like she's telling you not to have friends, etc... just venting. Listen to her and that solves half the problem.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

concernedperson said:


> My wife constantly feels that the world is against her. She loves her friends and family, *but feels as if my friends want to undermine her.* A few good friends of mine are teachers and have recently applied for the same teaching position my wife has. One of them asked my wife if she heard anything back, and wife got furious calling her a snooper and nosey *****, etc... I tried to defend my friend saying she's generally good natured im sure she was just curious. Then she got mad at me... i dont quite understand it. i think this jealousy is quite ugly on people. this is one example there have been many in the past. what should i do?


Be honest with yourself - is there any truth to that? Because it seems like you are quick to defend your friend but do not give your wife the same benefit of the doubt that you give your friend.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SolidSnake said:


> The example you have given does not speak to your wife being unreasonably paranoid or jealous at all. I think most reasonable people would be annoyed given the situation you have described. Its always a sticky interpersonal situation when two people who know each other are competing for the same job.
> 
> Its tactless of your friend to even bring the subject up in my opinion, although it does not warrant your wife's over the top response. I would have just said that that I don't feel comfortable discussing the search with her.
> 
> ...


I agree

And OP needs to lose his "friend"....it's inappropriate and disrespectful towards their relationship/wife.

OP is on a slippery slope for sure, his wife knows this and in this case, she SHOULD be paranoid. After all, there is her husband supporting and being friends with another woman.

Not cool, not cool at all.

I say OP's wife should find a male friend and support him to give him a bit of taste of his own sheeeeet!!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

MNLawenforcement said:


> Paranoia has serious complications.  If this is true clinical paranoia (and I am not a doctor, so I can't diagnose something like that) you want to make sure to have her speak to a mental health professional. In my job I deal with a lot of people suffering from paranoia and it becomes dangerous for themselves and their loved ones.


I'm pretty sure OP is over exaggerating. He has not provided solid examples of paranoia.

He HAS provided solid examples of thinking with his **** by befriending a female friend and defending said friend against his wife.

What's the word for that?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> So your female friends and your wife are in competition for the same job?
> Ya, I'd want my H on my side too.


yeah, what the hell are YOU thinking? anyone trying to steal your wife's job is NO FRIEND of yours. Dump them like a wet taco and be MUCH more supportive of your wife.

no wonder she is acting paranoid...people really ARE out to get her.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> yeah, what the hell are YOU thinking? anyone trying to steal your wife's job is NO FRIEND of yours. Dump them like a wet taco and be MUCH more supportive of your wife.
> 
> no wonder she is acting paranoid...people really ARE out to get her.


It ISN'T his wife's job. His friends and his wife are applying for the same job. Read the original post.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

VermisciousKnid said:


> It ISN'T his wife's job. His friends and his wife are applying for the same job. Read the original post.


What kind of friend applies for the same job as "friends significant other".

By default that = F'd up > not a friend

OP's wife is paranoid because her husband is out of his F'n mind being friends with women and supporting THEM vs her.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

DoF said:


> What kind of friend applies for the same job as "friends significant other".
> 
> By default that = F'd up > not a friend
> 
> OP's wife is paranoid because her husband is out of his F'n mind being friends with women and supporting THEM vs her.


Well, I can think of many jobs where the same people would be friends and all want to apply for the same job. For instance you could teach in a high school and the head of your department retires. Don't you think that most of the teachers will apply for that position? You could hold any job in a department in any company and if a better one in the department opens up don't you think everyone in that department will go for it?

So if you have that type of circumstance, it is weird to expect that no one else should apply out of friendship. And the OP didn't say he favored the friend over the wife. To me it sounds like he doesn't expect people to pass on an opportunity out of friendship.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Well, I can think of many jobs where the same people would be friends and all want to apply for the same job. For instance you could teach in a high school and the head of your department retires. Don't you think that most of the teachers will apply for that position? You could hold any job in a department in any company and if a better one in the department opens up don't you think everyone in that department will go for it?
> 
> So if you have that type of circumstance, it is weird to expect that no one else should apply out of friendship. And the OP didn't say he favored the friend over the wife. To me it sounds like he doesn't expect people to pass on an opportunity out of friendship.


Yes, however, a H can be supportive of his wife.

"Friend probably asked about the job because she hasn't heard anything herself, and was likely worried you might have been called for an interview. I'd be worried too if I were her because you, Wife, are clearly the best one for the job..."


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Well, I can think of many jobs where the same people would be friends and all want to apply for the same job. For instance you could teach in a high school and the head of your department retires. Don't you think that most of the teachers will apply for that position? You could hold any job in a department in any company and if a better one in the department opens up don't you think everyone in that department will go for it?


Sure, but people I work with are not my friends.



VermisciousKnid said:


> So if you have that type of circumstance, it is weird to expect that no one else should apply out of friendship. And the OP didn't say he favored the friend over the wife. To me it sounds like he doesn't expect people to pass on an opportunity out of friendship.


Does not apply to me.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

DoF said:


> Sure, but people I work with are not my friends.


We're talking about the OP. He IS friends with people who applied for the same job. Is he supposed to become their mortal enemy now? Drop them like they don't exist? 

It strikes me as immature that his wife can't handle that situation. So one of them asked his wife if she heard anything about the application. So what? That's what your poker face is for. 



> Does not apply to me.


Hypothetically, if you have a good friend in the same field as you, and you both apply/bid/whatever on the same job do you cease to be friends because of that?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

norajane said:


> Yes, however, a H can be supportive of his wife.
> 
> "Friend probably asked about the job because she hasn't heard anything herself, and was likely worried you might have been called for an interview. I'd be worried too if I were her because you, Wife, are clearly the best one for the job..."


OP says his wife is petty and paranoid so there is obviously more to the story. There usually is with people who post to TAM. 

Of course he should support his wife in the way that you said, but simply downplaying the friend's question shouldn't be seen as support for that friend.


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