# Advice please....



## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

thanks for the advice..................


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Casually dating after 3 years? Sleep overs every couple of weeks? WTF kind of relationship is this? Doesn't sound like anything serious to me. If you don't know after 3 years that you want to go to sleep and wake up next to her every day, then you are having doubts. What's the real story?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is the right sub forum.

Here is deal, brother. Dating is the test run for marriage. She has shown you that she still carries a torch for her ex/first. Do you know how often we read on this site (and others) about how old romances get rekindled as soon as things get tough in a relationship? Way too often. 

That said, if she is doing this as a girlfriend, I would not even consider marrying her, or even carrying on the relationship. I would send her packing, especially given your history of being cheated on in the past.

It is simply not worth it when there are quality women out there who won't cheat.


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> Casually dating after 3 years? Sleep overs every couple of weeks? WTF kind of relationship is this? Doesn't sound like anything serious to me. If you don't know after 3 years that you want to go to sleep and wake up next to her every day, then you are having doubts. What's the real story?


 the real story is that i have a kid from my previous marriage, and shes got one too, i live in NY and she lives in NJ, we are an hour away from each other, rent isnt cheap here compared to colorado (i've been there).


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If she's marriage material, give her a ring and blend families. Double your income and get a cheaper and bigger house half way between your cities/jobs. 

But with her talking to the ex, I'd send her packing. You'll never trust her again. Don't mention it for a month and then demand to see her cell phone bill. You'll be able to see who she is texting and calling. You'll know, unless she's smart and uses another phone/app to call/text him.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

*Read this 17 page thread.*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you considered couple's counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Immediately -- and permanently -- dump her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Jntrs said:


> the real story is that i have a kid from my previous marriage, and shes got one too, i live in NY and she lives in NJ, we are an hour away from each other, rent isnt cheap here compared to colorado (i've been there).


Distance is ok, it's the casually dating part, that's your wording, it may accurately describe the relationship. After what you've been through you thought you had a relation with trust and yes you might have been serious with her but that's what it felt like, casual. 

Now weigh that up against the ex she will always carry a torch for, the serious relationship, the long lost love and you have the imbalance.

Besides the chick is grown up with a kid and she's carrying on this nonsense despite knowing you've been cheated on, for that alone she should get the hook.

Find someone closer to home and with less baggage and less cheaty.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She knows what you have been through with your cheating ex wife and if she cared for you at all she wouldn't put you through this, it says an awful lot about her character.
Nevertheless, she may think based on the length of time you guys have been together and you are not making any moves to make it more permanent and she is just really a **** buddy to you. This might change her perspective of your relationship somewhat and thus make her look out for a back up plan, i.e an OM, it happens.

BTW what happened with the father of her kid, was that a LT relationship/marriage, how did it end?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP just ask yourself this if your best friend came to you and asked you the same question you're asking TAM... without even thinking too hard what it vice would you give him.___________???

When a woman shows you disrespect like that, and then asked you to stay with her. That's her testing you to see what your willing to put up with... please tell her by your actions she failed the test... send her on her way. If you do not end it with her. You have sent her the wrong message and you will lose just enough self-respect you will just start to hate yourself even more than you do now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You must do what you think is best, but I'd also strongly advise you to let her go. 

She is going to have a soft spot for her ex because she has not yet decided fully what she truly wants. You're still in taste test mode with her. Is that what you want? 

Also, the gall... After knowing your past. Her secret fling is utterly disrespectful. 

Now you know who she is. 

You deserve everything you allow in this life.
And I think you deserve better.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

She is sleeping with you while secretly flirty texting with her ex? Saying she is going to bed when her status says otherwise? Why would you want a relationship with someone who you will never fully trust? You think her tears and self deprecation are enough to let this go? Find someone who doesn't need other men to boost her self esteem.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Baggage on both sides, it's clear. If you can admit you are F buddies with an emotional attachment, then you probably have a better perspective.

By your own words, this is casual. That word is very powerful. I would not have the same expectations of a casual relationship as I would with a serious one.

So you have to examine why you've left this relationship as a LTR when you ABSOLUTELY have had the ability to make it something serious.

A single mom is in a very tough position. She has to look out for her kid more than herself. She obviously shouldn't have been trolling with the ex, but maybe you weren't meeting her Needs for stability and financial security, and destabilized her. In that context, reaching out to an old flame with NO chance of a physical connection (in her mind) may have been a safe way to get some comfort and stability.

Personally I think MC might do you both good. I'd bet you are both bringing baggage and expectations and dysfunctional behaviors to this (and future) relationships.

For this reason, I'm hesitant to go with my gut reaction of "dump the b". 


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

To clarify, use this in MC to get to your real issues. The problem might resolve itself if you're able to open your eyes to each of your issues. You may both be sabotaging this relationship due to your past. So use this to work that out. THEN you'll BOTH know if you are settling for casual that really wouldn't otherwise go further, or sabotaging something good that should be reassessed.


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