# Another sexless relationship



## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

I from when i googled the problem that this particular Thread has been beaten to death but i have no where else to turn to or talk to. I am a 33 year old male and i have been with my kids mom for 7 years, we have 2 kids and i love my wife so much that this is becoming to much to bare, i feel alone in my problems because i feel like i have no one. 

Before i start i must confess that due to these problems before i have cheated on my wife and she had found out and this second time again i almost started to until she read my emails and saw one from a girl who was trying to get with me(and she would have succeeded had my wife never found the email)

but i know i hurt her and i cant hurt her anymore so now i have withdrawn from social online gaming and other things to remove myself from the temptation to cheat.

Basically, i'm just a ornament that sits on a shelf and gets taken down when cleaning needs to be done or kids need to be watched. I tried to tal to my wife about these problems but all she does is call me a woman and laugh at me.

If i get caught cheating again, i get my kids taken away, which would destroy me in ways i dont even want to imagine. SO it has come to deep depression, i now sit on the couch in despair. I try and hide it as much as i can from my wife but sometimes it just gets to be too much. And the worst part is my depression has started to lead to feelings of losing my will to live, i feel bad because my children should be enough to motivate me to want to live but it has come to the point that my prayer before sleeping is asking god to please not let me wake up. Every night for the last 3 years. I dont know what to do anymore, talking about it with her hasn't helped, i ask her if there is anyhting i an do to make her more attracted to me.. I.E. lose wieght, hair style, cothing... whatever i can change and she swears its not me. She swears that she just has no desire for sex at all ever. If that is the case i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand i can suffer from sever heartache till death is a sweat release, or leave my girl and lose my kids which would kill me just as much.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Have you gone to counselling together?
This is something that really does need professional help.

You word it as "if I get caught cheating again" which implies to me that you really do just want to find someone else.

There is no reason why you can't be a father to your children and have a happy gf or wife. Seriously. There is no failure in getting a divorce. It's what you should do if it's causing you depression and you dont' want to work on your marriage or yourself.

Please consider leaving.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Why not stop cheating behind her back. Do it up front. Tell her that if sex is important then she'll want to do it with you to keep you. And if it's not important then she shouldn't care where you get it. 

Almost sounds to me like she's keeping you around and keeping you sexless to punish you. If she wants to keep you because she loves you, then she should be having sex with you. If she's keeping you just to keep you miserable, then she's just as bad as a cheater herself.


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

> You word it as "if I get caught cheating again" which implies to me that you really do just want to find someone else.


Its not that i want to find someone else, my preference would be to stay in this relationship. But i just dont have the ability to endure 3-4 months of no sex with my wife with maybe one or 2 attempts in between, IF IM LUCKY. 

I'm certainly not opposed to separation, but it would need to be at a time when i can find a place within my budget, that meets my needs and is in close enough location to my children that i can see them a lot (i have not been one day without my kids since birth so to only be able to see them limited would kill me).

I am not opposed to therapy either, if my wife would show some interest in doing it, i would go.

But as it stands its been 5 years since shes initiated sex with me or even said something to me that made me feel wanted.

I can count the hugs shes OFFERED in the last 3 years on one hand.

I am wiling to do ANYTHING just to get my wife back, but i am not strong enough to remain faithful when she stops paying attention to me.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

DarknessWithin said:


> Its not that i want to find someone else, my preference would be to stay in this relationship. But i just dont have the ability to endure 3-4 months of no sex with my wife with maybe one or 2 attempts in between, IF IM LUCKY.
> 
> I'm certainly not opposed to separation, but it would need to be at a time when i can find a place within my budget, that meets my needs and is in close enough location to my children that i can see them a lot (i have not been one day without my kids since birth so to only be able to see them limited would kill me).
> 
> ...


This is called cake-eating.

If you are willing to do ANYTHING to get your wife back, you mean you will do the following:
Stop browsing, thinking about, or implying a threat of cheating.
Go to counselling immediately
Work on your relationship with your wife, by identifying and resolving all of the issues. 

In the end, your wife may still not want you. 
Or she might leave you during this process. 

And you will get limited visitations and pay enough child support to keep reminding you of it all.

The "dessert" part of this is you are assuming she isn't already planning to leave you. No cake for you. 

Your only hope is to try and save what you have.


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If she's keeping you just to keep you miserable, then she's just as bad as a cheater herself.


it almost feels this way.. but this was going on before the first time i cheated on her, in fact, before this started i caught her on a dating website, and taking to all kinds of new guys and even found pics on my computer of her showing off her breasts. A while later she tells me she has feelings for someone else that she was going to school with. 

SO i forgave her, never even lost trust, all i wanted was for her to be happy. And i worked on the things she said i need to work on to make her happier, and to work on our relationship.

Even before hand she made a fake Facebook of a girl and used it to test me to see if i i would cheat on her.

Few years later... i actually did.

I dont know, this whole relationship has been one big mess but i am just not sure how much longer i can hold on on my part of the effort.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Divorce.

She doesn't want you and you're going to cheat.
Is there another answer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

deejov said:


> If you are willing to do ANYTHING to get your wife back, you mean you will do the following:
> Stop browsing, thinking about, or implying a threat of cheating


This is why i have pretty much locked my self in my house and i don't play online games or use social sites anymore... once i am done venting here i will remove myself from here as well, since i cant handle the temptation when my relationship is in this much trouble i need to remove the possibility of being tempted.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Why not just be free? Why put yourself through such misery?
Don't your kids deserve two happy well adjusted parents?
Role models for marriage? 

Let her go, and go have a happy life. Your kids will thank you.


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

deejov said:


> Why not just be free? Why put yourself through such misery?
> Don't your kids deserve two happy well adjusted parents?
> Role models for marriage?
> 
> Let her go, and go have a happy life. Your kids will thank you.


yeah, it seems i just might have to do that. 

Thanks.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Notice her response to you when you try to talk to her about this problem. She called you a "woman". Your problem is that your wife doesn't see you as a man or respect you as one. Are you employed? Sneaking around is a sign of weakness. Sulking and appearing suicidal is a sign of weakness. Weakness is not attractive to any woman. Notice how you introduced your woman to us. "I've been with my kid's mom for seven years." Even that is passive. Notice how you talked about your most recent romantic interest. You said this woman was pursuing you and she would have succeeded had your wife not found out. Are you in control of anything in your life? If you aren't working, get that way. Turn off the TV, get off the couch, and start DOING something productive. Action is manly. Even if you don't "feel it", pretend that you do. Go build something, teach your kids something, take them somewhere, but take responsibility for your own life and your relationship. Make goals and work toward them. The lack of sex is probably not your problem but maybe just the natural consequence of the image you have created of yourself to your wife. We are all mammals and the weak wolf doesn't attract a mate. The weak bear doesn't, the weak deer doesn't. Back in our caveman days, a weak appearing man would have no luck attracting or keeping a mate. To a woman, security is sexy. Are you presenting a confident image of safety and security?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps you should consider counseling for yourself, to figure out why you're willing to tolerate being treated this way. Once you get a handle on that, you can decide what to do about your marriage. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It would be awesome to be in a marriage that required very little work where you got a huge payoff for the little effort you put in. A "low work, high payoff" relationship.

I could live with a "high work, high payoff" relationship.

I could even live with a "low work, low payoff" relationship, especially if I thought I could increase my work and thus increase the payoff.

But a "high work, low payoff" relationship where you have to put in a ton of effort and get nothing in return? No thanks. Why bother.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Working, I think it's a lot like gardening. Put huge effort in on the front end and the rest is mostly just maintaining and improving. Adultery and emotional affairs isn't putting tons of effort into a marriage. It's putting lots of time and effort into destroying one. If I spend hours planting weeds and pouring poison on my garden, it's hardly my vegetables' fault if they don't produce. I can sit around sulking and wishing the beans and squash would spring forth, but watering, fertilizing, and weeding would be a better use of my time.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Except he spread the poison after it was already damaged. He was sexless for a long time before he cheated. And she was cheating long before him.

Anyway, fixing it is going to be a ton of work, and when all that work is done I think you're still going to have a half assed marriage. Why bother.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It could be as simple as her hormones have dropped due to having the kids. Go to the family Dr. and get them checked and meds might be required.

If she truly loved you, kids are irrelevant and not an excuse, she would still be all over you and not close to no sex marriage.

You have a healthy HD and she has a LD, just like my situation and many others here as well.

In the end, the LD person always wins.........not good for any relationship and that leads to............cheating, divorce, etc.

She as your wife is supposed to take care of you, her man and than means sexually. If she isn't, even after talking, and this has been going on for many years already, imagine menopause........ZERO SEX.

The LD individual has to realize that they can't just ignore the HD person. Disasters will follow and it is the LD person's fault because they did nothing about it.

If I were you, either divorce her and find a HD woman, many out there or get it out of your system the old way with porn and I'm not one to push porn as an alternative but the other choice is cheating.

Too bad there wasn't a way to find out if your other half had a HD or LD from the very beginning......


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

I wasnt always like this, but the only reason i keep hanging on is i wanna believe so much that it is my fault and i can correct it. so taking unbelievables suggestions and try and work on me first. Unfortunately this means m wife is going to HAVE to drop out of the child and youth worker program she is in, if she doesnt like it she can kick me out, then SHE can explain to the children why they wont be able to see their daddy... (we live in a tourist area where there is no work all year round.. there for i would have to relocate to the next city over... and i dont drive.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Screw that. If she doesn't want to give you sex, man up and demand it. If she doesn't, leave her and get with someone else.


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

Adex said:


> Screw that. If she doesn't want to give you sex, man up and demand it. If she doesn't, leave her and get with someone else.


but what if its my fault?


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

If she doesn't give you sex, what else are you supposed to do. Suffer without sex? While you shouldn't have cheated, it's partly her fault you cheated BECAUSE she didn't give you sex.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Agreed, he shouldn't of cheated but what is a HD guy to do? More talk.....really?!

The old way is the only option that isn't going out and cheating.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Did I miss the part where you both started seeing a therapist at some point? Why aren't you seeing one now? There was a poster who said something about you being more of a man. I think he is on the right track.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

Kermitty said:


> Did I miss the part where you both started seeing a therapist at some point? Why aren't you seeing one now? There was a poster who said something about you being more of a man. I think he is on the right track.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah thanks... you know what, you and that poster can eat it cuz what im about to post next will blow your minds...

ME:
You must really dread the thought of having sex with me. Well gratz on avoiding it again. im done trying. I cant take this anymore, Dont expect me to smile anymore, don't expect me to eat. Its pretty clear to me now, no matter how long i wait no matter how hard i try, you just dont want me. after the lat 3 weeks, i just dont have any tears left for you.

Her:
What ever happened to " its not about having sex, I just want to spend time and cuddle " I'm sorry if I'm not up to having sex every time you want to. For now on I guess I'll just do it if that's what makes you happy

Me:
What separates friendship and a romantic relationship? I DARE you to ask a couples therapist what he or she would call our relationship, dont forget to mention that we went 9 month with only 1 attempt, and the only reason we attempted was because i pushed the iddues so hard, not because you wanted to. don't make me feel guilty because i desire to have sex with someone who tells everyone else that your my wife? really? Its not just about sex, there is a such a bigger picture, and if you think we have a healthy relationship you are only kidding yourself.
And no, i don't want it anymore. WHAT I WANTED was what most guys have in a wife or a girlfriend..... someone who is sexually interested in me and SHOW it.
I really feel like, all i am to you is a live in nanny. that is the honest truth.
you cant say i have reason to believe there is more then that between us.
im done talkind about it, i dont care anymore, do what you want, ill stay away from social activities so im not temped to fill the void that you leave, being desired, so you can keep your celibate house monkey to do whats needed while you do what you want.

Me:
i wil never believe again that you want to actually have sex with me, and with that i lose my desire to do it.
im pretty sure, what goes through your head when we have sex is.... how long can i keep him off me, how long before i have to do this again just to shut him up. well dont worry, im not gonna speak another word of it.

Her:
It's amazing how you chose to do this over Facebook instead of telling me directly one on one after i've asked you many times what is wrong so DONT you go and blame this all on me

Me:
i will assume some of the blame, but its hard to talk about these things when you constantly tell me over and over that i'm a woman, Of curse ou are probably not aware of the negitive effects some "jokes" have on me. But unless you have something you need to get off your chest on me right now, ill be on the shelf over there collecting dust if you ever need me.
And if theres more stuff you need me to fix about myself, PLEASE TELL ME!! cuz if i focus on fixing them for you. then i fully expect you to fix whatever problems you have with me. THEN MAYBE, MAYBE you might find me desirable again.

Her:
Do you not understand the condition the doctor diagnosed me with 2 years ago? Did you even listen to me when i was explaining it or did you just pretend to? I AM NOT NORMAL!! I have been trying my ****ing hardest to beat this ****ing personality disorder and i thought you understood that. I do not see you as just a live in nanny or keep you around just to do everything for me, i keep you around because i thought you were the only one who understood what goes on inside my head every ****ing day, i keep you around because im trying despite this madness to be at least a fragment of what you want. I'm not going to lie i still am damaged by what happened before and after Greyzlyn was born, i don't think i have ever been that hurt since my mom walked out and left me all alone!! 
You say you want me to try and mold into the perfect wife that you want and that you're the only one who's been putting any effort into all of this because you only see if through what YOU want because that seems to be the only thing that matters to you.

Her:
Schizoid Personality Disorder Symptoms, Causes, Treatments
Maybe this time you'll actually take the time to understand that im not just using this as an excuse

Schizoid Personality Disorder Symptoms, Causes, Treatments
WebMD - Better information. Better health.
Schizoid personality disorder is one of a group of conditions called eccentric personality disorders. Learn more from WebMD about its diagnosis, symptoms, and treatment.

ME:
I understand that. But even understanding it does not take the pain away. And i wish you would understand THAT. and saying "only thing that matters to you." and making me feel guilty for my natural human instinct to to want to be intimate that i cannot turn off no matter how bad your situation is make me pray i dont wake up in the morning. yeah its getting that bad

Her:
Fine then you don't have to deal with me anymore if thats what you really want, maybe you'll get lucky and i will be the one who dies in their sleep. Take care of the kids and tell them i love them

Me:
if i could turn off my desire to be intimate like a light switch i would do it in a less then a heart beat, i dont know why intimacy is so important to me, i dont know why when i am not getting it i feel heartbroken, i dont know why how to get rid of these desires. I wish i would never know what desire felt like, And thinking about it, feeling like a piece of **** for wanting it when you dont... thats the root of my depression. So, like i siad, please dont expect me to smile. Whatever im feeling just ignore it. please, if you want me around, then ignore my feelings. And if you leave me alone with the kids, there is no way id be able to keep facts from taking them, taking them from a single father is alot easier then a single mother. And that is another guilt trip, im tryin to tell you how i feel and a of a sudden im the bad guy for feeling these ABSOLUTELY NORMAL reactions and feelings a normal guy would get in this situation.

Her:
Then maybe you shouldn't guilt trip me into feeling like im to blame for all this mess because i have a problem with intimacy, you think that you're the reason i don't want to have sex when really that problem lies within me.
But it makes sense, everyone else in my life has either looked down upon me as a mistake or given up on me so why not you too ( not a guilt trip its the truth )

Me:
Just because i understand it doesnt take away the feelings and desires, understand that please. so if im depressed, dont bother me about it or its just going to turn into another one of these. you know how i feel now, there is no more to discuss. just let me exist. i Still enjoy doing things for you. i still love you. And if you love me, you will let me try and bury this as deep as possible. I will do my best to be the best whatever you need me to be.

Her:
The fact that you're just going to bury this deep down instead of letting it come out tells me that if i do leave you be it will just come out anyway later on


Me:
I think the major problem is, you are not really ware of how important intimacy is in a relationship. Having said that, the onl option i see left is going to couples therapy, and getting real help.

Her:
I don't know exactly how many it was, i just opened the bottle dumped some in my hand then swallowed them down.
I know how important intimacy is and the fact that i can even manage to shut out what goes on in my head at least once a month should tell you something. You said you've been trying for the passed 3 weeks but i think you've over estimated the time because 3 weeks ago we had sex then i had my monthly friend for a week and a half so if you wanted to do it while i was on that then we should have discussed a shower lol

Me:
If you really think that my desires for intimacy and the effects of not getting it on me are irrational and im a piece of **** (if im just guilt tripping you) for expressing it. Then you need to tell me now.
well, the over estimation is a result of enduring 9 month previously with only one attempt.
I cant stress this enough, if you are really serious about fixing this we need couples therapy, because if its a problem with you, a couples therapist can help us as much as just you going to see a shrink.
but you clearly still need to get off because you watch porn, so im not sure how to take that.

Her:
You expect me to talk to a complete stranger about my problems lol One of the things i have is trust issues so that might take a long time you know.
And the whole needing to get off thing by myself is a lot more easy to do because its me doing it to myself, i never said i don't have sexual needs i said i have intimacy issues theres a big difference

Me:
so there is no seeking help, you get your sexual needs from other places. what a i supposed to do? like wow.... you dont think that doesnt hurt as much as being cheated on? OMFG
im done, im sorry. i cant talk about this anymore, you just do what you need to do. like i siad ive removed myself from any possible temptation to cheat on you so you dont have to worry about that. just do whatever.

Her:
It's amazing how you turn this back into your needs when all i am doing is being honest, i dont get my sexual needs from other places. You yourself watch porn and do it yourself too, and since you said you stopped watching porn i did too in hopes that maybe that would change for me as well. What do you want me to do? Wake you up whenever im in the mood since you're always asleep when i am

Me:
yeah i watch porn and do it myself BECAUSE THERE NO ONE ELSE TO DO IT!!

Her:
Fine then ill leave you alone... goodnight

I did this over facebook so i can show whats going on.... 
Now can i get some REAL ideas here? instead emasculating retarded assumptions.


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

And before the judging commences i took time off work to take care of the kids while my wife does a 3 year child and youth worker program in college.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

This is a small nugget from wikipedia that I feel is relevant.



> Schizoid sexuality
> 
> People with SPD are sometimes sexually apathetic, though they do not typically suffer from anorgasmia. Many schizoids have a healthy sex drive but some prefer to masturbate rather than deal with the social aspects of finding a sexual partner. Their preference to remain alone and detached may cause their need for sex to appear to be less than that of those who do not have SPD. Sex often causes individuals with SPD to feel that their personal space is being violated, and they commonly feel that masturbation or sexual abstinence is preferable to the emotional closeness they must tolerate when having sex.


So, your wife was honest with you about her sexuality when compared this to what your wife said to you. It has nothing to do with you and it has everything to do with her disorder. She is honest that even once a month sex is too much for her. 

This cannot be solved in couples therapy since it's not a couple problem. It's her problem only.

You should assume that this will not change much even with her sincere effort to change it for years to come and decide from this standpoint what is best course of action for you. It is a choice of a lesser evil. Sorry.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think it's time to start looking at exit strategies.


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think it's time to start looking at exit strategies.


I think its my only option left.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

You don't have to be mean to people who only have what you write in a couple of paragraphs to go on. We are trying to help out if the kindness if our hearts. Don't take your anger out on us cause you don't agree. 
Your wife has a serious issue and you are whining to her about wanting more sex? That sure isn't going to solve the problem. Why don't you put in that much effort into getting her into a good therapy program instead. Otherwise leave her because putting on the guilt and pressure is sure not going to change her mind. 

What does staying home with your kids have anything to do with this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You mentioned that you don't drive, would it be useful for you to learn? It would certainly help widen your choices. 

I am not certain that I understood about your work arrangement. Do you stay at home to mind the kids while she goes to school and then you go to work and she takes over? 

I think you need to plan a life that is more independent of your wife. Learn to drive. If you work in a seasonal line of work, would changing careers help to widen your choices? 

How much longer does your wife have to complete her program? I think it would be short sighted to derail her progress if she has a short time to go. Remember, her ability to take up the slack financially benifits you as well as the family, especially if you are divorced. 

Why not give your marriage the final push for a finite period of time. Seek IC to prepare yourself for the possibility of D. Learn to drive, look into career opportunities, and explore the legalities and the logistics of D, ei living arrangement. 

It is probably best to take time and energy to plan and have a time line for execution. 

Thoughts of suicide can not be taken lightly. You need to act to change your situation. Get help to start tge process. I think when you get the momentum going, you will feel your own power and things will get better.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have a lot of thoughts about stay at home dads and how that affects attraction. I have a lot of thoughts about using a facebook message log as an example of your manning up (vs. an actual in person confrontation). I do believe that even with a normal wife you would have an uphill battle. Her joking about you being a "woman" is very telling about how she sees you living in a very feminine role, and like I said, even with a normal woman it's going to be hard to overcome that without a job and a drivers license.

All that said, she's not a normal woman. Her condition can't be solved by manning up and becoming a provider. I don't think you have much choice. You either learn to live with it or you move on.


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

> You mentioned that you don't drive, would it be useful for you to learn? It would certainly help widen your choices.


I actually have a fear of it. That would take some counseling to get over on its own.



> I am not certain that I understood about your work arrangement. Do you stay at home to mind the kids while she goes to school and then you go to work and she takes over?


Im a chef/cook (title pending on establishment) and anywhere i go i need to be available from open to close, her classes are far to all over the place for me to have that kind of availability atm.



> I think you need to plan a life that is more independent of your wife. Learn to drive. If you work in a seasonal line of work, would changing careers help to widen your choices?


My wife talked me into moving to the city we live in, apparently it wasn't so seasonal before we got here. Changing careers? im 33 years old... no thanks. not trying to be snarky just at my age i dont feel comfortable changing careers, i dj as a hobby and had hoped that might yield something but that requires a social life which i have been forced to withdraw from as to remove temptation to cheat.



> How much longer does your wife have to complete her program? I think it would be short sighted to derail her progress if she has a short time to go. Remember, her ability to take up the slack financially benifits you as well as the family, especially if you are divorced.


not sure shes just about to finish her first year.... and i want to be able to stay till she finishes. Because yes i do realize the tremendous benefit that would have on my divorce life. Less in child support, more time to split custody etc etc.



> Why not give your marriage the final push for a finite period of time. Seek IC to prepare yourself for the possibility of D. Learn to drive, look into career opportunities, and explore the legalities and the logistics of D, ei living arrangement.


This is reasonable, but mi fully prepard for separation. To me it would be like pulling out the knife so the wound can start healing.



> It is probably best to take time and energy to plan and have a time line for execution.


I agree.



> Thoughts of suicide can not be taken lightly. You need to act to change your situation. Get help to start tge process. I think when you get the momentum going, you will feel your own power and things will get better.


Im not suicidal per se, but i am losing my will to live int he battle of the depression this is bringing on.

Let me elaborate.. lately ive been getting severe chest pains, and pains around where my kidneys and bladder are, if i move the wrong way it amost feel like they fall out of place with severe debilitating pain.

its as though my organs are starting to shut down on their own.


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I have a lot of thoughts about stay at home dads and how that affects attraction. I have a lot of thoughts about using a facebook message log as an example of your manning up (vs. an actual in person confrontation). I do believe that even with a normal wife you would have an uphill battle. Her joking about you being a "woman" is very telling about how she sees you living in a very feminine role, and like I said, even with a normal woman it's going to be hard to overcome that without a job and a drivers license.
> 
> All that said, she's not a normal woman. Her condition can't be solved by manning up and becoming a provider. I don't think you have much choice. You either learn to live with it or you move on.



One things for sure. if i survive this and get free and clear, i am never EVER going to get into another relationship. This is it for me. No way i am chancing going through this again. this is has been the most painful few years of my life. Especially if im not a "real man" il just end up back here again. I think my only options are making money. Other then my kids i can seriously see money being the only thing left i will love.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

During what I perceived to be a lack of sexual desire from my wife, and after many arguments about it, she asked me if sex outside of our relationship would "make me happy"? It shocked me. I of course did NOT want to do that. It was NEVER a consideration for me. I was shocked that she even broached that topic. With that said, a lack of sexual desire from a spouse DOES lead to resentment, and for the spouse to seek attention elsewhere. Sometimes it's a physical manifestation. One of my best friends cheated on his wife for the very same reason. I can offer no solution to it other than counselling.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

DarknessWithin said:


> One things for sure. if i survive this and get free and clear, i am never EVER going to get into another relationship. This is it for me. No way i am chancing going through this again. this is has been the most painful few years of my life. Especially if im not a "real man" il just end up back here again. I think my only options are making money. Other then my kids i can seriously see money being the only thing left i will love.


This is what I would tell a friend if he/she had said this to me. It is certainly your choice wether you get into another relationship ever again. I do think you need to make sure you find a way to relieve yourself of your resentment and hurt. You don't want your anger effecting the way your kids behave in their future relationships. You want to be able to give them good advice not jaded angry resentment. That's what is most important after your own sanity. 

I don't believe anyone implied that you were not a real man. Your descriptions of behaviors were coming across as not masculine. You also forgot to mention in the beginning that your wife has a psychological issue with intimacy. That is a big detail to leave out and will lead to advice that is not fitting. 

Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

DarknessWithin said:


> I actually have a fear of it. That would take some counseling to get over on its own.
> 
> Im not suicidal per se, but i am losing my will to live int he battle of the depression this is bringing on.
> 
> ...


This is so concerning. What's happening here? Why are you letting this happen? 

You are extremely depressed, what are you going to do about it? 

There are things you can do starting now, first, seek help for the depression. Get a full physical exam to rule out illness. 

At this point, your life situation is dragging you down. You are not stuck, you are too depressed to make a decision on what direction to take. If you get relief for your depression, you will me able to move on vital decisions. 

Fixing the aspects of your life that are dragging you down will lift your depression in time. 

What do you think.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

You are certainly not alone, my marraige has been sexless and emotionless for the better part of 10 years, this led to a yearlong separation and me getting my needs met elsewhere with both of us thinking divorce was imminent,, We decided to try to make it work and then she found out about my activities and she was very hurt and has had a hard time getting over it,, We also found out that her health issues, low red blood cells and very anemic could be contributions to her low sd and no energy.. 
We have been back together for a year and a half and there has been no improvement in our physical relationship, she doesn't want to be touched,, I am once again getting very lonely emotionally,, but unlike your situation I hold my head high and have a positive healthy attitude towards life and I refuse to be dragged down to her level, 

I keep a daily journal of our interactions or the lack thereof and the positive things I do for her and the kids and that helps me cope and gives me something to refer back to when she tries to tear me down with accusations that I don't do enough.. 
I do believe that women go through changes after child birth, my wife got progressively worst with each kid (3) but if you act like an enabler to them they will use you up,, It is human nature that when you reach a comfort level in life and you don't have to give any further effort your not going to.. That is what we are currently dealing with,, they are content with there current situation and don't see the need to satisfy us,, 

My advice would be to get out of the funk your in and do stuff for you, life is too short to be dragged down, have the attitude that hey I am already going without sex or emotional fulfillment, why should I be depressed, show her it has no effect on you, Life is too short, see the glass half full,, Good luck and remember you don't owe her anything,,


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## DarknessWithin (Mar 31, 2013)

Getbusylivin said:


> You are certainly not alone, my marraige has been sexless and emotionless for the better part of 10 years, this led to a yearlong separation and me getting my needs met elsewhere with both of us thinking divorce was imminent,, We decided to try to make it work and then she found out about my activities and she was very hurt and has had a hard time getting over it,, We also found out that her health issues, low red blood cells and very anemic could be contributions to her low sd and no energy..
> We have been back together for a year and a half and there has been no improvement in our physical relationship, she doesn't want to be touched,, I am once again getting very lonely emotionally,, but unlike your situation I hold my head high and have a positive healthy attitude towards life and I refuse to be dragged down to her level,
> 
> I keep a daily journal of our interactions or the lack thereof and the positive things I do for her and the kids and that helps me cope and gives me something to refer back to when she tries to tear me down with accusations that I don't do enough..
> ...


I AM getting there, i'm starting to recover from these health problems i been getting since i been depressed i heve not felt pain in my chest in 3 days nor in my abdomen. My wife met a guy online on the game we used to play together who was in my shoes who had a girlfriend much like my wife and he told her about a Help forum with people suffering from SPD where they talk and share ways to keep a healthy sex life which she has no problem doing because she may remain anonymous with her problems. So far i am seeing a bit of change, now that she is putting in this tremendous effort (and i recognize just how hard it is for her), i worry that i am not putting in enough effort on my side, or worry that at some point i will be the one not putting in enough effort for her. As i need certain things from her, i need the same level of re-assurance that i make her just as happy.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

Then you just need to communicate your feelings to each other,,


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Getbusylivin said:


> my marraige has been sexless and emotionless for the better part of 10 years, this led to a yearlong separation and me getting my needs met elsewhere with both of us thinking divorce was imminent


Free at last!!! 



Getbusylivin said:


> We have been back together for a year and a half and there has been no improvement in our physical relationship, she doesn't want to be touched


You can't be serious. Why on earth, after you were free and living the good life, would you get back with her without sex being a condition for your return????



Getbusylivin said:


> the positive things I do for her and the kids and that helps me cope and gives me something to refer back to when she tries to tear me down with accusations that I don't do enough..


Oh, I see. You're a nice guy and a glutton for punishment. Ok, well if that's the way you like it then carry on.



Getbusylivin said:


> My advice would be to get out....life is too short to be dragged down....and remember you don't owe her anything


Great advice. You should consider taking it.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

That was a fun summer, but decided I didn't want to lose my kids,, I know I am not the best one to be giving advice, just wanted to let the OP know he was not alone, it is an extremely hard situation to be in, you still feel love for your spouse but we are men and we need certain things to function, it is so easy to find women who are in the same situation and starving for affection.. The temptations are endless... 

My situation is a a little different in that I have an empty house out on my farm and as soon as I can afford to maintain 2 households I am moving back out there,, in the meantime I am giving my marraige every effort I can so when I do pull the plug I will have no regrets,,


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