# Respecting Proper Boundaries of Facebook



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I get on FB almost everyday, i enjoy it, as i talk to friends from back as far as pre-K, to college roomates and such, and dozens if not 100's of gal pals. What group is excluded off this list??? People i've been intimate with. I'm sorry, i have always felt, and will continue to feel as though is a serious violation in regards to your current relationship. If you are single, then there is nothing wrong with it. I'm not one who will preach to you that FB is a tool of the d3vil, and alot of people say it isn't FB's fault the people become weak and screw up. I agree with that. But FB is a powerful tool that allows somebody quick access to your overall state of mind. How many of us know the people on there that are going through some type of drama because of what they are putting in their status. A former lover can use that as a way to pry into your business, and just when you are at your must down and vulnerable, they start spitting in you the same type of game that made you fall for them 10 years ago. 

Next thing you know, its not just IMs or FB emails coming across, now you have exchanged cell numbers, and you are texting the person why you are at work. Next thing you know you are meeting these people for a PA. I just think that people from your past with this level of connection to you... shouldn't be a simple text away. These people remember what makes you c-m hard, nows what you like to say, remembers how you like to be touched. Its a dangerous game of having a "In Case of Emergency... Break Glass!" sitting right in your friends list. Don't forget, these were the guys/girls that at one time probably cheated or did something disrespectful to you.

Just becareful, and use proper judgement if you do allow yourself to be friends with exs.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

I find Facebook feeds the narcissism that seems to be instilled in todays society. Generally people who friend ex's want to monitor them, or keep the feeling of "we left one another amiacable, therefore we can be friends" going. But if you think of the times before Facebook, could you really do either of those things? Not unless you made an effort (and stalked the person in one aspect).

It's easy to have 20/20 hindsight and think, 'Maybe if we had made different choices we'd be happier.' And I can't tell you how many people's ex's have regretted 6 months, a year, three years from their breakup how much they regret it.

And Facebook is there, with just a click you can send a message. And we have grown up on Dawson's Creek, Days of our Lives, the OC and people just eat it up. Because it disconnects you from the reality. The actual dance of courtship is sort of screwed up from the digital age... but that's how society adjusts.

No person is completely at ease with the idea of their SO friending their ex and bonding over memories, laughing over inside jokes - you feel slightly put out. You get over it, of course, it's a fleeting feeling - and for some people it really amounts to nothing.

And if you look anywhere on this forum, you can see - sadly - that's not the case for many others.

Sure Facebook makes it easy, but there's something going on with a person who takes those steps further than, "Remember when..." to "I wish we could go back and do it this way..." and attempts to dabble in that what if...

I don't know what I'm talking about, but you're right. Be careful with your ex's and with facebook. Not only is there potential ex trouble but privacy of information trouble as well.





Plus the new layout sucks!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I can see your point, but I also think it depends on the relationships themselves. I am friends with an ex-boyfriend that I was intimate with, but I have no worries of anything ever happening, even if my boyfriend and I had trouble that I plastered all over FB. Why? Because I know this ex and I have very different views on relationships: I want a permanent relationship; he just wants casual flings. This makes us completely incompatible now, and so even if he hinted at wanting a shot, I wouldn't be interested. My boyfriend is also friends with an ex-girlfriend he was intimate with, and again, they have issues that make them completely incompatible, and he wouldn't be interested. 

I do see your point, though, and I do agree that there are people who do overstep their boundaries and do and say things that they definitely shouldn't be doing. I don't think FB makes anyone cheat, but I do agree that if facilitates cheating for those who are already inclined or who are just very, very weak.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> there are people who do overstep their boundaries and do and say things that they definitely shouldn't be doing. I don't think FB makes anyone cheat, but I do agree that if facilitates cheating for those who are already inclined or who are just very, very weak.


:iagree:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> I get on FB almost everyday, i enjoy it, as i talk to friends from back as far as pre-K, to college roomates and such, and dozens if not 100's of gal pals. What group is excluded off this list??? People i've been intimate with. I'm sorry, i have always felt, and will continue to feel as though is a serious violation in regards to your current relationship.


I guess this is another case of what constitutes a "proper" boundary is going to be different for different couples. In my husband and my facebook list are several of his former girlfriends. One is a now married lesbian with whom we get together for breakfast whenever we are traveling in her town which happens to also be where some of my family is. Another one is 500lbs and lives about 500 miles away...

For US there is no more risk of DH getting involved with one of these childhood girlfriends than there is risk of him deciding he likes monkeys.






> If you are single, then there is nothing wrong with it. I'm not one who will preach to you that FB is a tool of the d3vil, and alot of people say it isn't FB's fault the people become weak and screw up. I agree with that. But FB is a powerful tool that allows somebody quick access to your overall state of mind.


I guess it does not really work that way for us. It is a tool. But tools are used the way you use them. A person not otherwise inclined to cheat is not going to suddenly need to because of FB. And someone who starts to get that feeling and does not block the offender needs a dope slap, IMO. If your eye offends thee, pluck it out. I may not be Christian, but DAMN does Jesus have some good advice.



> How many of us know the people on there that are going through some type of drama because of what they are putting in their status. A former lover can use that as a way to pry into your business, and just when you are at your must down and vulnerable, they start spitting in you the same type of game that made you fall for them 10 years ago.


I hid those folks. I don't see there drama. 



> Just becareful, and use proper judgement if you do allow yourself to be friends with exs.


Well that is not a problem for me as I never kept any kind of contact with any exes.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Mrs Chai said:


> No person is completely at ease with the idea of their SO *friending their ex and bonding over memories, laughing over inside jokes *- you feel slightly put out. You get over it, of course, it's a fleeting feeling - and for some people it really amounts to nothing.
> 
> And if you look anywhere on this forum, you can see - sadly - that's not the case for many others.


See that would drive me nuts. Harping on things that was not relevant to me... and i'm the one that supposed to be the most important thing in your life right now.



atruckersgirl said:


> I do see your point, though, and I do agree that there are people who do overstep their boundaries and do and say things that they definitely shouldn't be doing. *I don't think FB makes anyone cheat*, but I do agree that if facilitates cheating for those who are already inclined or who are just very, very weak.


I don't think FB makes anyone cheat either, i just think it can be used to make it 10x easier. Most of us, rarely run into that former lover ever again. But now with FB, we know exactly where they are, what they are doing, who they are seeing, and now Viola... they reach out to you. I stand firm in believing if you aren't a person who will cheat, than FB won't matter to you, but as you all know, some of us are very weak.



vthomeschoolmom said:


> I guess this is another case of what constitutes a "proper" boundary is going to be different for different couples. In my husband and my facebook list are several of his former girlfriends. *One is a now married lesbian with whom we get together for breakfast whenever we are traveling in her town which happens to also be where some of my family is. Another one is 500lbs and lives about 500 miles away...
> I hid those folks. I don't see there drama.
> *
> .



Well then you guys have it good. I live in a much more densely populated community, where my wife's ex's and mine can be as little as 10-15 minutes away... even after all these years. Your husband's situation is perfect, and you are doing wise to block yourself off from any BS from anyone else's BS. And nothing you've ever posted on here would lend me to believe you or your husband would have a problem respecting said boundaries, so i can't see you guys ever having a problem. Other people who are weak minded and or selfish, have 1 foot already on the banana peel, and FB just gave them a push...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

You know... my attitude comes from the fact that we are currently in a strong marriage and have been for several years. I felt differently early on and in the bad times.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> You know... my attitude comes from the fact that we are currently in a strong marriage and have been for several years. I felt differently early on and in the bad times.


Then i am dead on in what i just said about you above...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I guess... if you have one foot on the banana peel, THAT is almost as big of a problem as the FB push. Being married to a weak minded or a selfish... I mean at that point FB is just semantics.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Heard on the radio Tuesday that Facebook is now cited as a contributing factor in 1 out every 5 divorces in the U.S. That number is likely to go up over time.

I stopped FaceBook altogether when ... you guessed it, a high-school ex in a bad marriage wanted to kick the tires and light the fires. I wasn't interested.


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

My wife and I are dealing with issues that came about because we never had a discussion with each other about what our boundaries should be, particularly in dealing with exes that we had been physically intimate with.

I follow a zero-contact policy because I think it's way too easy to have casual contact that escalates into full-blown affairs, and it's too easy to wonder "what might have been" with electronic conversation providing the method for actually exploring those scenarios.

My wife feels like some of her exes are just friends from a time in her life (college) when she was at her most creative and free. She says that she can email them and not have any romantic feelings (I'm not convinced that guys have the same outlook; I know what I'd be thinking if a girl I'd slept with started emailing me out of the blue after 8 years.)

She cut off contact with the ex that she had been in contact at my request, but I think we would have been spared a lot of pain if we'd had a talk at the start of our marriage about what we each thought about limits on conversation with exes. We obviously had different boundaries in mind.


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## putwhittynamehere (Dec 7, 2010)

I got caught at a weak moment on Facebook while talking with an ex. Shortly after my wife told me she was no longer in love with me and wanted to separate, I was on Facebook and got in to an IM chat with a former. My wife happened to be out of town that night, but was going to check Facebook to look up someone's info. Problem was, she didn't have this person as a friend, but I did. While I was in the middle of a pretty inappropriate IM chat in one town, my wife logged on to my account in another town. She could just look at the screen and watch everything that was being said. Needless to say, she flew off the handle. She called this ex-girlfriend, told her never to speak with me again. She told her to get rid of me as a Facebook friend, and to take my number out of her cell phone. Obviously, I also had a bunch of explaining to do when she got home. 
The thing is, much of what I said to this ex was actually things I wanted to say to my wife. Problem was, my wife had just told me she no longer loved me, and didn't want to hear anything from me. So I was caught in an extremely weak moment, said things that were completely misguided and inappropriate. To this day, she still brings it up, even though I've reassured her that I'm definitely not hung up on this ex. 
She made me take her off of my Facebook friends list, which I did without issue. She and I though have been having issues with another man that she constantly texts and doesn't want me to meet. I had a thread dedicated to it, but deleted it for fear that my wife would read it and go nuts on me. I asked her to delete this friend also, if we are going to fix our marriage. She refuses. They text constantly, so I don't know what's being said. It just seems like a double standard to me.
Since she has had an account on Facebook, she always had it posted that she was married to me. Although we are working on our marriage, she has taken that off so that her info doesn't show that she's married to anyone. I asked her why she took that info off, and she said that she doesn't think it's necessary for people to know that much information about her. That I could understand. However, she has made sure that her information shows everyone exactly how many kids she has, exactly where she lives, exactly where she's taking night classes, and exactly where she works. She's even got on there that she is looking for friendship. Basically, all of her info is there for all to see, except for the fact that she is married to me.
I sent a request to her to confirm that we are married after she removed it this last time, and right in front of me, while we were looking at the screen together, clicked the 'ignore' option instead of the 'confirm' option. 
Confusing for sure. Sometimes I think we should both just delete our Facebook accounts altogether.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

That sounds like a good first step.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

upstate_guy said:


> * (I'm not convinced that guys have the same outlook; I know what I'd be thinking if a girl I'd slept with started emailing me out of the blue after 8 years.)*
> 
> Like i said earlier, even though my wife doesn't have exs on there, guys still try to throw something against the wall, and see if it sticks. So you can imagine what guys are thinking if they've hit your wife in the past, that think they already have an inside position on things. I can trust the wife, its the dudes i can't trust.
> 
> *but I think we would have been spared a lot of pain if we'd had a talk at the start of our marriage about what we each thought about limits on conversation with exes.* We obviously had different boundaries in mind.


To be fair, anyone whose been married longer than 5 years, this would of never been an issue before than prior to FB blowing up. The best we had was classmates, and that was harder because it wasn't free to chat with folks. 




putwhittynamehere said:


> I got caught at a weak moment on Facebook while talking with an ex. *Shortly after my wife told me she was no longer in love with me and wanted to separate*,
> 
> Were you guys seperating to end it or seperating for space. If she was leaving to end it, i don't see how she can blow up on you.
> 
> ...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I love Facebook. I've reunited with many friends and get to keep up with people I normally don't get to. It's also a great way to get word out for things I'm doing and ask for help. I've seen Facebook do amazing things. It's a tool like anything else and it's what you do with it that matters. All tools can be used for good or bad.

Having said that, my husband did come to me and ask if there were any ex-boyfriends I was friends with and I told him yes. He plainly told me he felt that wasn't right and asked if I'd delete them. I said yes and deleted them right away. No biggie because no temptation was there but if he saw it as a problem then I think it's my obligation as a wife to honor his request.

He has a Facebook account as well but he's not social like I am. He might sign on once a week if that and he doesn't understand my incessant need for chatter but he respects that this is me and part of the reason why he fell for me to begin with.

Just like anything else, I think full disclosure is important and communication.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I love Facebook. I've reunited with many friends and get to keep up with people I normally don't get to. It's also a great way to get word out for things I'm doing and ask for help. I've seen Facebook do amazing things. It's a tool like anything else and it's what you do with it that matters. All tools can be used for good or bad.
> 
> Having said that, my husband did come to me and ask if there were any ex-boyfriends I was friends with and I told him yes. He plainly told me he felt that wasn't right and asked if I'd delete them. I said yes and deleted them right away. No biggie because no temptation was there but if he saw it as a problem then I think it's my obligation as a wife to honor his request.
> 
> ...


Tell me again how you don't understand this "dominance" thing.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Tell me again how you don't understand this "dominance" thing.


Do I really have to?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Do I really have to?


You just described it perfectly.

It's a shame you don't see it.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> You just described it perfectly.
> 
> It's a shame you don't see it.


The force is not with me or my man reading decoder stinks...maybe I need a Mendel? 

If I described it above perfectly then why is it I can't understand it as being anything but calculated manipulation when I read about it in the many threads in the Man's Clubhouse?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Trenton said:


> The force is not with me or my man reading decoder stinks...maybe I need a Mendel?
> 
> If I described it above perfectly then why is it I can't understand it as being anything but calculated manipulation when I read about it in the many threads in the Man's Clubhouse?


Because you are reading about and interpreting thoughts and behavior in the clubhouse - and injecting _bias_ into the equation.

But when you come face to face with the behavior, when you personally experience it, it doesn't register. And that baby ... is why it works. Your husband is brilliant for agreeing with you that those sorry bastards on TAM are full of crap 

You dropped Facebook friends because your husband asked, you thought it was a reasonable request. You love and respect him.

Plenty of other posters here who have likely made the same exact request, with a very different outcome.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Because you are reading about and interpreting thoughts and behavior in the clubhouse - and injecting _bias_ into the equation.
> 
> But when you come face to face with the behavior, when you personally experience it, it doesn't register. And that baby ... is why it works. Your husband is brilliant for agreeing with you that those sorry bastards on TAM are full of crap
> 
> ...


That is who he is though, he hasn't trained himself to become something he's not in order to get a certain behavior from me.

I'm not sure but I think you are saying that my husband is manipulating me but is so good at it that I don't see it. So when he agrees with me he is actually playing a game with me? He thinks what is said here is true but won't admit it?

Those are major leaps. Is it not equally possible that he flat out agrees with me? That he really does think love is possible and can be true?

You read N.U.T.S and I read The Gift of the Magi. We define love differently. I think it is not practiced and rehearsed but natural and spontaneous.

I agree with you, Deejo, on something very big here. I agree that if it works for anyone and they end up in a happy relationship with their spouse then that is great.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If I were him, I wouldn't admit we know anything either.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> If I were him, I wouldn't admit we know anything either.


This is why you are not him.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Trenton said:


> That is who he is though, he hasn't trained himself to become something he's not in order to get a certain behavior from me.


It's apparent that you respond well to 'who he is'.




> I'm not sure but I think you are saying that my husband is manipulating me but is so good at it that I don't see it. So when he agrees with me he is actually playing a game with me? He thinks what is said here is true but won't admit it?


No. This has been, and obviously remains a fundamental failure to communicate. It isn't about manipulating you. It isn't even about manipulation. It's about _him_. 

If 'who he is' meant that you didn't respect him, and you in fact did have an investment in those FB relationships and he angrily demanded that you remove them because he felt jealous, neglected, resentful or fearful than odds are that exchange and your reaction would have been very different. Who HE is works for the both of you. That's as far as the voodoo goes. That's it.

As far as Facebook goes, it's a gateway drug for creating distance in an already damaged marriage or relationship.



> Those are major leaps.


If you qualify a major leap as the span of a crack in the sidewalk then we agree. You are like B.A. Baraccus from the A Team. You refuse to get on the plane for fear of flying, yet you always end up at the destination, and have no fear whatsoever of jumping into a firefight. 



> Is it not equally possible that he flat out agrees with me? That he really does think love is possible and can be true?


I don't doubt for a moment that's the case. Part of your success as a couple.



> You read N.U.T.S and I read The Gift of the Magi. We define love differently. I think it is not practiced and rehearsed but natural and spontaneous.


Nah. I don't think we define it differently. It's both. If you discover an expression of love that resonates with your partner, odds are, you are going to repeat it and try to improve upon it.



> I agree with you, Deejo, on something very big here. I agree that if it works for anyone and they end up in a happy relationship with their spouse then that is great.


It sure is.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

OK, I can agree with you on all points. Thank you for the clarification and I will say that I think you are a nice guy and I like you. That's a compliment, not an insult.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thank you for this post. I'm new here, but my DH is getting friendly with an ex on Facebook. He doesn't see it as a problem because she lives 2,000 miles away. But I find it a problem when my daughter wakes up at 3 am crying, and I walk out of the bedroom to find his computer on the couch open and blank and him nowhere in sight. I call him and he says he's in his truck in the driveway talking to his guy friend so he doesn't wake us. Then I look at his phone in the morning and he was talking to HER for 2 hours!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton said:


> This is why you are not him.


That's really funny.

Let me type this out for you.

You "submitted" to his request/demand about Facebook.

How much more clear does it have to be?

Why SHOULD he admit that people here know anything?

All that would result in would be needless questions and dramatic questions about "what's real in our relationship".

Anyone can see that.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Thank you for this post. I'm new here, but my DH is getting friendly with an ex on Facebook. He doesn't see it as a problem because she lives 2,000 miles away. But I find it a problem when my daughter wakes up at 3 am crying, and I walk out of the bedroom to find his computer on the couch open and blank and him nowhere in sight. I call him and he says he's in his truck in the driveway talking to his guy friend so he doesn't wake us. Then I look at his phone in the morning and he was talking to HER for 2 hours!


Confront him, do it now before this gets outta hand to a full blown EA, if it hasn't gone this way already. To me, talking on the phone to woman this way secretly for 2 hours is a major RED FLAG. Then demand full access to his passwords on FB and cell phone.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

LonelyNLost said:


> Thank you for this post. I'm new here, but my DH is getting friendly with an ex on Facebook. He doesn't see it as a problem because she lives 2,000 miles away. But I find it a problem when my daughter wakes up at 3 am crying, and I walk out of the bedroom to find his computer on the couch open and blank and him nowhere in sight. I call him and he says he's in his truck in the driveway talking to his guy friend so he doesn't wake us. Then I look at his phone in the morning and he was talking to HER for 2 hours!


If you aren't comfortable with an outright confrontation, ask him why he thinks it's ok to talk with her for two hours. And if he thinks it's ok, why he needs to do it in his truck?

Something is wrong between you. Odds are you already know this. Get it out there, deal with it, or risk everything.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> Confront him, do it now before this gets outta hand to a full blown EA, if it hasn't gone this way already. To me, talking on the phone to woman this way secretly for 2 hours is a major RED FLAG. Then demand full access to his passwords on FB and cell phone.


I know, it's killing me. He says she's a friend and he talks to lots of other friends all of the time. It shouldn't matter that it's a girl. He's already made the EA mistake before, 4 years ago with a coworker. It's pretty much damaged our marriage pretty bad. 



Deejo said:


> If you aren't comfortable with an outright confrontation, ask him why he thinks it's ok to talk with her for two hours. And if he thinks it's ok, why he needs to do it in his truck?
> 
> Something is wrong between you. Odds are you already know this. Get it out there, deal with it, or risk everything.


We are working on us. It's all sort of come out that we love each other but have grown out of love. He calls his "friends" on facebook distractions, but it all makes me sick. Especially since he's going out to Vegas in a few weeks, and I just saw that this ex girlfriend's husbands facebook page says that his relationship "is complicated". Yikes. Concerned me.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> I know, it's killing me. He says she's a friend and he talks to lots of other friends all of the time. It shouldn't matter that it's a girl. He's already made the EA mistake before, 4 years ago with a coworker. It's pretty much damaged our marriage pretty bad.
> 
> We are working on us. It's all sort of come out that we love each other but have grown out of love. He calls his "friends" on facebook distractions, but it all makes me sick. Especially since he's going out to Vegas in a few weeks, and I just saw that this ex girlfriend's husbands facebook page says that his relationship "is complicated". Yikes. Concerned me.


With all that is going on, he should be smart enough not to put himself in a position to make things potentially worse. Does he seem fully committed the the success or your marriage??? Or does it seem like you care more, and he's just hanging around till something falls into place for him elsewhere, like an offer he can't refuse.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> With all that is going on, he should be smart enough not to put himself in a position to make things potentially worse. Does he seem fully committed the the success or your marriage??? Or does it seem like you care more, and he's just hanging around till something falls into place for him elsewhere, like an offer he can't refuse.


It's kind of hard to explain. I posted a super long thread "How do I help my spouse forgive himself". He really hates himself for the pain he caused me and continues to cause me. I don't think he's manipulating me in that way. But it's still no comfort that this girl is 2,000 miles away. Back in the day he would stop doing something if I said it bothered me. Now he wants to know why it bothers me and he tries to justify it. I've told him that he's a married man and if he wants to be married he needs to act like one. Being in certain positions makes you more likely to do something you'd regret. He goes back and forth on whether he thinks we can fall back in love. Right now I'm the one with the hope and he is sort of in turmoil. He talks about my happiness, but I do have that deep down hurt feeling that he doesn't think he can ever live down his mistake and so he doesn't want to be under that cloud of suspicion. I'm at a loss. He won't go to counseling at all.


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