# Hi y'all...



## MichelleMyBelle

Just joined TAM today...you guys seem like a cool bunch for the most part. I took my handle from the song by the Beatles (not my real name!) 
Anyway, I'm 38 and have been married 14 years. No children (because he doesn't want them). I joined because I'm afraid that my marriage may be in trouble. I'm hoping maybe others can relate and offer some advice on what I can do. Thanks, and I look forward to learning more while I'm here!


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## Mr.Married

Well howdy and welcome to TAM. Kick ya boots up by the fire and we will lend you an ear partner.


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## BeyondRepair007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Just joined TAM today...you guys seem like a cool bunch for the most part. I took my handle from the song by the Beatles (not my real name!)
> Anyway, I'm 38 and have been married 14 years. No children (because he doesn't want them). I joined because I'm afraid that my marriage may be in trouble. I'm hoping maybe others can relate and offer some advice on what I can do. Thanks, and I look forward to learning more while I'm here!


Welcome to TAM! I'm actually the only cool one here, everyone else tries to mimic me. Just FYI.

You can start a new thread about your marriage concerns or just explain it right here. It's up to you!

Best of luck to you!


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## MichelleMyBelle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM! I'm actually the only cool one here, everyone else tries to mimic me. Just FYI.
> 
> You can start a new thread about your marriage concerns or just explain it right here. It's up to you!
> 
> Best of luck to you!


Thanks Beyond Repair...nice to meet you! I'll be quick (cliff notes). My husband seems to be more and more distant. I feel like I'm losing him, and that somebody else is involved. At first, I thought it might have been an old girlfriend from many, many years ago. 

Now I believe that my first thought was wrong. It's not her...the problem may be much closer to home. I think it is actually a coworker or a person connected with his job somehow.
I don't have 100% proof but my instincts are screaming out that things are not right. He has also been secretive with his social media (he mainly uses Twitter for work) and won't post pictures of me anymore at all, and has been stonewalling me at home most of the time now. 
We will sit in the same room and he will hardly acknowledge my presence. I can't hire a PI, I have no supportive friends or family, unable to find a job...I'm at a loss. 

I just want to know what is happening with him. I've tried to ask gently, he denies doing anything. I'm attractive, keep myself in shape (I lost about 30 lbs. in recent years) and I want sex more than he does! I don't nag him about anything at all...but I did tell him how it hurts me that he lied about wanting kids. So maybe he is mad at me and decided to have an affair? Not sure.


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## Mr.Married

The easy and fastest way to get info would be to put a voice activated recorder under the seat of his car. You’ll get your info pretty fast if there is something going on.

Actually the truth is that I’m the cool one 😎


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## BeyondRepair007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Thanks Beyond Repair...nice to meet you! I'll be quick (cliff notes). My husband seems to be more and more distant. I feel like I'm losing him, and that somebody else is involved. At first, I thought it might have been an old girlfriend from many, many years ago.
> 
> Now I believe that my first thought was wrong. It's not her...the problem may be much closer to home. I think it is actually a coworker or a person connected with his job somehow.
> I don't have 100% proof but my instincts are screaming out that things are not right. He has also been secretive with his social media (he mainly uses Twitter for work) and won't post pictures of me anymore at all, and has been stonewalling me at home most of the time now.
> We will sit in the same room and he will hardly acknowledge my presence. I can't hire a PI, I have no supportive friends or family, unable to find a job...I'm at a loss.
> 
> I just want to know what is happening with him. I've tried to ask gently, he denies doing anything. I'm attractive, keep myself in shape (I lost about 30 lbs. in recent years) and I want sex more than he does! I don't nag him about anything at all...but I did tell him how it hurts me that he lied about wanting kids. So maybe he is mad at me and decided to have an affair? Not sure.


I’m really sorry to hear that’s why you’re here. 

brace yourself… there are a lot of people that will jump on here to give you advice about this.

The first thing I would do if I was you is to stop talking to him about it. You’re going to get advice about how to check on what he is doing, and if he knows anything at all about that then he will hide it even better and you might never know for sure.

Keep posting here, filter out the things that don’t apply and ask quesitons when you need too. We’ve all been there, infidelity issues are common here.

Best of luck to you!


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## MichelleMyBelle

Also wanted to add...there were several years when he refused to have sex/be intimate (only when he finally decided he wanted to, which was about once every 4 months if I was lucky). 

It took a toll on my self-confidence but I still remained faithful. I never once stepped outside of my marriage to meet my needs. 
Not sure I can say the same about him.


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## MichelleMyBelle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m really sorry to hear that’s why you’re here.
> 
> brace yourself… there are a lot of people that will jump on here to give you advice about this.
> 
> The first thing I would do if I was you is to stop talking to him about it. You’re going to get advice about how to check on what he is doing, and if he knows anything at all about that then he will hide it even better and you might never know for sure.
> 
> Keep posting here, filter out the things that don’t apply and ask quesitons when you need too. We’ve all been there, infidelity issues are common here.
> 
> Best of luck to you!


Thanks, I really appreciate your compassion. It's a tough spot to be in for sure. And you're right...I think he realized that I'm smarter than he thought, so he is trying to hide even more. 

I'm afraid of what I may find out at some point. 😢


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## bobert

Something is obviously going on. It might be cheating, or it might not be, and if he is cheating there is a good chance you will never have the full story anyway. 

Cheating or not, you know something is up and you will need to decide if you want to continue in a marriage like this. Some people need proof that their SO is cheating, but even if he's not, is this really how you want to live? Lying about wanting children was bad enough and would be reason to divorce.

What is preventing you from finding a job?


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## BigDaddyNY

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Also wanted to add...there were several years when he refused to have sex/be intimate (only when he finally decided he wanted to, which was about once every 4 months if I was lucky).
> 
> It took a toll on my self-confidence but I still remained faithful. I never once stepped outside of my marriage to meet my needs.
> Not sure I can say the same about him.


That is sad to hear, but good for you for doing the right thing and remaining faithful. Trust you gut on your husband, but don't jump to conclusion just yet and certainly don't confront him with flimsy evidence. Stick around here and you should get some good advice.


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## BeyondRepair007

Further info:









Standard Evidence Post


VARs and Evidence Gathering The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here. Do your legal research etc. Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## MichelleMyBelle

Mr.Married said:


> The easy and fastest way to get info would be to put a voice activated recorder under the seat of his car. You’ll get your info pretty fast if there is something going on.
> 
> Actually the truth is that I’m the cool one 😎


Thank you too, sir! I'm sure you are a cool cat indeed. Before I joined TAM, I saw how a lot of people advised putting a VAR in the car. 
My problem is I'm afraid of being caught doing that! But it's such logical advice and it seems like it could help me get the proof I need (or hopefully, disprove that he is cheating). 

I can't believe I have to even think about this when I should be able to trust him. This is insane!


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## Mr.Married

A large portion of people that show up at this place with their gut screaming go on to find out that their partner is indeed cheating.

Brace yourself…… it’s coming


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## MichelleMyBelle

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is sad to hear, but good for you for doing the right thing and remaining faithful. Trust you gut on your husband, but don't jump to conclusion just yet and certainly don't confront him with flimsy evidence. Stick around here and you should get some good advice.


Thanks BigDaddy...I read some of your advice before I joined, and I respect your point of view! I will definitely stick around so I can learn more from other members on how they handled situations like this.


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## RebuildingMe

Start with the phone records. Same number being called/texted?


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## BeyondRepair007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Thank you too, sir! I'm sure you are a cool cat indeed. Before I joined TAM, I saw how a lot of people advised putting a VAR in the car.
> My problem is I'm afraid of being caught doing that! But it's such logical advice and it seems like it could help me get the proof I need (or hopefully, disprove that he is cheating).
> 
> I can't believe I have to even think about this when I should be able to trust him. This is insane!


You could put a VAR anyplace you think he might be having a conversation. Like his office in the house or in the bedroom or wherever. The car is a common spot for illicit conversations, especially pre-covid.


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## Mr.Married

Before you get too far down the investigation trail you should probably have an honest conversation with yourself about what your response will be. Most people blow up and do a lot of indecisive weird stuff when the true chit hits the fan. A little pre planning can save you some hassle in the future.

I’ve haven’t seen many people do this and believe me …. It shows !!!!


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## Anastasia6

Well you need a job. You have no kids and an iffy husband.

You are also in a sexless marriage.

He’s either holding a lot of resentment from something. Has a medical condition or is cheating. 

Most men won’t go 4 months without sex unless somethings up.

How old is he? Does he have any ED?

So let’s say you find out he isn’t cheating….. why would you want to be married to a liar who doesn’t talk to you or have sex with you?

How old are you?


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## BeyondRepair007

Another thing you might consider is exactly what do you need to know before you have enough.

For some people, finding a violation of trust like you already have is enough to throw in the towel.
Others need video evidence or some such nonsense.

Just have a feel for how much convincing you would need before you are satisfied of his guilt *or innocence*


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## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> Something is obviously going on. It might be cheating, or it might not be, and if he is cheating there is a good chance you will never have the full story anyway.
> 
> Cheating or not, you know something is up and you will need to decide if you want to continue in a marriage like this. Some people need proof that their SO is cheating, but even if he's not, is this really how you want to live? Lying about wanting children was bad enough and would be reason to divorce.
> 
> What is preventing you from finding a job?


The job issue...I have a disability (can't share too many details about it here). But other than that, I am hard-working otherwise. 
I do all of what I'm supposed to do, and then some. I have held jobs in the past but that was a long time ago. At almost 40 years old with no connections and a spotty work history, who would hire me at this point? 
I agree with all of your other points. I don't want to live this way, wondering if he could be cheating. And you're right...he made me think we would have children but apparently that was all just a lie. He won't even talk about it, and I'm not getting any younger. 
I know people might say "just leave/divorce". But it's not always that simple. Some situations aren't that simple if you can't be independent and you have no other options.


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## uwe.blab

MichelleMyBelle said:


> The job issue...I have a disability (can't share too many details about it here). But other than that, I am hard-working otherwise.
> I do all of what I'm supposed to do, and then some. I have held jobs in the past but that was a long time ago. At almost 40 years old with no connections and a spotty work history, who would hire me at this point?
> I agree with all of your other points. I don't want to live this way, wondering if he could be cheating. And you're right...he made me think we would have children but apparently that was all just a lie. He won't even talk about it, and I'm not getting any younger.
> I know people might say "just leave/divorce". But it's not always that simple. Some situations aren't that simple if you can't be independent and you have no other options.


ok, so before you say "who will hire me?" just go hard at jobs. The unemployment rate is under 4% and many areas have a shortage of workers. So just apply for everything even if you are not sure you are qualified. Do not sell yourself short.


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## Openminded

Regardless of what happens going forward, tell yourself that you’ll be fine — and believe it. I stayed too long in a dysfunctional marriage because I was afraid I wouldn’t be fine but when it came down to it I was. You will be too.


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## Anastasia6

MichelleMyBelle said:


> The job issue...I have a disability (can't share too many details about it here). But other than that, I am hard-working otherwise.
> I do all of what I'm supposed to do, and then some. I have held jobs in the past but that was a long time ago. At almost 40 years old with no connections and a spotty work history, who would hire me at this point?
> I agree with all of your other points. I don't want to live this way, wondering if he could be cheating. And you're right...he made me think we would have children but apparently that was all just a lie. He won't even talk about it, and I'm not getting any younger.
> I know people might say "just leave/divorce". But it's not always that simple. Some situations aren't that simple if you can't be independent and you have no other options.


Well if you can’t leave or be independent (not sure why). Ask yourself do you really want to know about cheating or what have you?


There are plenty of jobs including online jobs. Piecemeal jobs and part time. I think you’d have to be very disabled to not be able to work at all. Have you filed for disability? 

To be dependent of him is not a great idea and maybe a source of resentment. When you married did you both agree you wouldn’t work?

If you can’t work how would you care for a child? Did he actually lie or did he change his mind with your health issues?


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## bobert

If you legitimately cannot support yourself, then he'd likely be responsible for alimony for a longer period of time - possibly permanently.


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## MichelleMyBelle

Anastasia6 said:


> Well you need a job. You have no kids and an iffy husband.
> 
> You are also in a sexless marriage.
> 
> He’s either holding a lot of resentment from something. Has a medical condition or is cheating.
> 
> Most men won’t go 4 months without sex unless somethings up.
> 
> How old is he? Does he have any ED?
> 
> So let’s say you find out he isn’t cheating….. why would you want to be married to a liar who doesn’t talk to you or have sex with you?
> 
> How old are you?


I'm 38...I stated it in the intro above. He's 52. I've wondered if it was ED. I used to wonder because of his age, but not so sure about that now.

As to why I would want to be married to him...I love him. I just don't like what's been happening. It's not a sexless marriage anymore, really. 
The pandemic brought back his sex drive two years ago! We were together all the time, so he started showing an interest sexually again. 
Part of the problem was also that he was using porn to meet his needs, so that might explain why he showed little interest in me for a while. 

If there is resentment, I can't see why. I apologize to him if I've hurt him in any way, I respect him, I don't complain, I try to always be kind and loving. 
I show appreciation for him daily. So if there is some type of resentment, well...it doesn't make sense to me. 
I'm not perfect but I do love him and I am a good woman.


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## Anastasia6

MichelleMyBelle said:


> I'm 38...I stated it in the intro above. He's 52. I've wondered if it was ED. I used to wonder because of his age, but not so sure about that now.
> 
> As to why I would want to be married to him...I love him. I just don't like what's been happening. It's not a sexless marriage anymore, really.
> The pandemic brought back his sex drive two years ago! We were together all the time, so he started showing an interest sexually again.
> Part of the problem was also that he was using porn to meet his needs, so that might explain why he showed little interest in me for a while.
> 
> If there is resentment, I can't see why. I apologize to him if I've hurt him in any way, I respect him, I don't complain, I try to always be kind and loving.
> I show appreciation for him daily. So if there is some type of resentment, well...it doesn't make sense to me.
> I'm not perfect but I do love him and I am a good woman.


Well you skipped over the question of did he know when he married you he’d be the only earner.

Many people get very stressed out being the sole provider. Sure you don’t complain but how had this effected him? Is he going to have to work x more years to retire? Has he had to give up things he might have wanted?

Have you filed for disability? 

Porn can also be an issue.


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## Anastasia6

To go back to the beginning, work place affairs happen frequently.


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## MichelleMyBelle

Anastasia6 said:


> Well if you can’t leave or be independent (not sure why). Ask yourself do you really want to know about cheating or what have you?
> 
> 
> There are plenty of jobs including online jobs. Piecemeal jobs and part time. I think you’d have to be very disabled to not be able to work at all. Have you filed for disability?
> 
> To be dependent of him is not a great idea and maybe a source of resentment. When you married did you both agree you wouldn’t work?
> 
> If you can’t work how would you care for a child? Did he actually lie or did he change his mind with your health issues?


Plenty of people with disabilities care for children with no problem, but that's another conversation. It's not a health issue (again, it would take a while to explain what it is). 
I do have some minor health issues but not related to the disability. 

To answer about if we agreed about work...he showed some resentment initially, but then when he saw how hard I worked at taking care of other responsibilities, it wasn't an issue anymore. 
I told him I would look for a job and he doesn't want me to now.  I'm a bit puzzled, but hey. 

Nope, he didn't change his mind. He seems to have always known that he never wanted kids. But before and after marriage, he told me he definitely wanted them. 
So yes...in a way I do feel that I was deceived. He wants to be "childfree" and he knew that, and he knew that I wanted a family.


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## MichelleMyBelle

Anastasia6 said:


> Well you skipped over the question of did he know when he married you he’d be the only earner.
> 
> Many people get very stressed out being the sole provider. Sure you don’t complain but how had this effected him? Is he going to have to work x more years to retire? Has he had to give up things he might have wanted?
> 
> Have you filed for disability?
> 
> Porn can also be an issue.


I've had to give up things I wanted as well. Not an excuse to cheat, is it? Not saying you said that (please don't take it the wrong way).
But me being unemployed isn't the issue...nor is it why I am here. 

No, I haven't filed for disability because I don't think I would qualify. And I agree, porn was part of the problem for a while.


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## MichelleMyBelle

Anastasia6 said:


> To go back to the beginning, work place affairs happen frequently.


Agreed Anastasia! That is what I'm afraid may be happening here. I put some of the other info about no job and all that to explain the difficult position I'm in. 
I had a rather difficult upbringing with an abusive stepfather, and my husband was the only man to ever show me real love. 
So I hope that he is not having an affair...but maybe he is? 😞


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## RebuildingMe

MichelleMyBelle said:


> I've had to give up things I wanted as well. Not an excuse to cheat, is it? Not saying you said that (please don't take it the wrong way).
> But me being unemployed isn't the issue...nor is it why I am here.
> 
> No, I haven't filed for disability because I don't think I would qualify. And I agree, porn was part of the problem for a while.


If you wouldn’t qualify for disability then you can surly get a job. If you don’t think this marriage is going to last (a lot don’t) get a job asap and start saving up money.


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## re16

One important thing - do not confront without evidence. A lot of folks come on here, drum up a bunch of suspicion, but no evidence and confront their spouse, who promptly makes sure there is no further evidence to find or the affair becomes extra stealth and then they can never find hard proof and live in limbo wondering if it was an affair for eternity.

Don't do that...act normal, and ramp up the research. Trust your gut.

Workplace affairs are common and somewhat hard to catch... mostly because all the communication can happen in person.

VAR in the car is likely the best way to go. Get the sony one from bestbuy, plug in a pair of cheap headphones to it and cut of the chord off as short as possible, so it never makes any audible sounds (like low battery warning) etc.

Also, do a deep search of his closet and car for a burner phone.

What are the main reasons you think this is happening with this specific co-worker?


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## re16

Another thing to look at is his time off. If he is burning time that you don't know why during work hours to go do things with the co-worker...


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## MichelleMyBelle

Anastasia6 said:


> Well if you can’t leave or be independent (not sure why). Ask yourself do you really want to know about cheating or what have you?
> 
> 
> There are plenty of jobs including online jobs. Piecemeal jobs and part time. I think you’d have to be very disabled to not be able to work at all. Have you filed for disability?
> 
> To be dependent of him is not a great idea and maybe a source of resentment. When you married did you both agree you wouldn’t work?
> 
> If you can’t work how would you care for a child? Did he actually lie or did he change his mind with your health issues?


Oh yes...to answer some more. I've looked at online jobs (many appear to be scams). I will take your advice and continue to look, though! 

You are right. I need more independence. I understand how/why I am in this position because of abuse in my past, but I do need to find some work. So your advice is spot on in that respect. Maybe I should keep trying. 

Do I really want to know about cheating? That would be a resounding "yes"...because my employment (or lack thereof) has nothing to do with being lied to or cheated on.
It's disrespect, job or not. That would be his choice to act in a way that hurts me and this marriage. I understand that he might feel stressed out, but turning to another woman is not the solution. That would only be more destructive. He may provide and I appreciate it, but I don't want to accept dishonesty or someone who can only love me half way. 
I also don't want to be viewed as a burden. I've taken care of him when he's been extremely ill many times, and I do my share in other ways. 

Being the bread-winner is hard on him at times, I'm sure. But no...I won't accept cheating or lies. Other than me not having a job, I did nothing to deserve (possibly) being cheated on.


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## MichelleMyBelle

re16 said:


> Another thing to look at is his time off. If he is burning time that you don't know why during work hours to go do things with the co-worker...


I've thought of this, too. I have no idea. He seems to want to keep me away from most of his coworkers. I've met a few, but otherwise...I don't know them and they don't know me. And I wonder now if that is intentional on his part.


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## MichelleMyBelle

uwe.blab said:


> ok, so before you say "who will hire me?" just go hard at jobs. The unemployment rate is under 4% and many areas have a shortage of workers. So just apply for everything even if you are not sure you are qualified. Do not sell yourself short.


Thanks so much...you've motivated me to try once more. I appreciate it. I need to believe I can do it.


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## MichelleMyBelle

re16 said:


> One important thing - do not confront without evidence. A lot of folks come on here, drum up a bunch of suspicion, but no evidence and confront their spouse, who promptly makes sure there is no further evidence to find or the affair becomes extra stealth and then they can never find hard proof and live in limbo wondering if it was an affair for eternity.
> 
> Don't do that...act normal, and ramp up the research. Trust your gut.
> 
> Workplace affairs are common and somewhat hard to catch... mostly because all the communication can happen in person.
> 
> VAR in the car is likely the best way to go. Get the sony one from bestbuy, plug in a pair of cheap headphones to it and cut of the chord off as short as possible, so it never makes any audible sounds (like low battery warning) etc.
> 
> Also, do a deep search of his closet and car for a burner phone.
> 
> What are the main reasons you think this is happening with this specific co-worker?


Oh man, I feel like I'm in a detective movie now! Sherlock Holmes or Columbo. This is crazy. But thanks, I think I'll try that. 

As to reasons...if anything is happening, my thought is that it's opportunity. They work together. He sees her more often, except on weekends and holidays. 
He is tall and handsome, admired by people at his job. I can see other women wanting him. And I don't think his workplace has boundaries either. 
People seem to cross the line with texts, comments, etc. He is nervous about taking pictures with me, hides me from his coworkers and social media, etc. 
Just don't know what to think. Maybe I am crazy?


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## MichelleMyBelle

Mr.Married said:


> Before you get too far down the investigation trail you should probably have an honest conversation with yourself about what your response will be. Most people blow up and do a lot of indecisive weird stuff when the true chit hits the fan. A little pre planning can save you some hassle in the future.
> 
> I’ve haven’t seen many people do this and believe me …. It shows !!!!


I can see myself doing that. Thanks for helping me to play it cool!


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## farsidejunky

MichelleMyBelle said:


> I'm 38...I stated it in the intro above. He's 52. I've wondered if it was ED. I used to wonder because of his age, but not so sure about that now.
> 
> As to why I would want to be married to him...I love him. I just don't like what's been happening. It's not a sexless marriage anymore, really.
> The pandemic brought back his sex drive two years ago! We were together all the time, so he started showing an interest sexually again.
> Part of the problem was also that he was using porn to meet his needs, so that might explain why he showed little interest in me for a while.
> 
> If there is resentment, I can't see why. I apologize to him if I've hurt him in any way, I respect him, I don't complain, I try to always be kind and loving.
> I show appreciation for him daily. So if there is some type of resentment, well...it doesn't make sense to me.
> I'm not perfect but I do love him and I am a good woman.


Paging @lifeistooshort.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## frenchpaddy

MichelleMyBelle said:


> I know people might say "just leave/divorce". But it's not always that simple. Some situations aren't that simple if you can't be independent and you have no other options.


sorry to read all your story and that you are made feel the need to look for help , 
there are so many reasons other than your husband cheating , is he staying out late , or when does he have time for another woman , something tells me he is not cheating , i might be wrong , but we are not all cheaters , and is he fit , it sounds like he is not into sex , 

without proof of things like spending , he does not seem like the type that could have a gf and not spend money on her , as he has proved himself good to you in the past ,


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## Anastasia6

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Oh yes...to answer some more. I've looked at online jobs (many appear to be scams). I will take your advice and continue to look, though!
> 
> You are right. I need more independence. I understand how/why I am in this position because of abuse in my past, but I do need to find some work. So your advice is spot on in that respect. Maybe I should keep trying.
> 
> Do I really want to know about cheating? That would be a resounding "yes"...because my employment (or lack thereof) has nothing to do with being lied to or cheated on.
> It's disrespect, job or not. That would be his choice to act in a way that hurts me and this marriage. I understand that he might feel stressed out, but turning to another woman is not the solution. That would only be more destructive. He may provide and I appreciate it, but I don't want to accept dishonesty or someone who can only love me half way.
> I also don't want to be viewed as a burden. I've taken care of him when he's been extremely ill many times, and I do my share in other ways.
> 
> Being the bread-winner is hard on him at times, I'm sure. But no...I won't accept cheating or lies. Other than me not having a job, I did nothing to deserve (possibly) being cheated on.


Not everything is necessarily related. No there’s no excuse to cheat. But you asked why he might be separating himself from you or why he may be distancing that goes to resentment sometimes it can also go straight to an affair. So if he’s not having an affair we still need to figure out how to improve your marriage. If he is cheating we have to figure out how to improve your life not being dependent on him is a start.


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## DownByTheRiver

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Thanks Beyond Repair...nice to meet you! I'll be quick (cliff notes). My husband seems to be more and more distant. I feel like I'm losing him, and that somebody else is involved. At first, I thought it might have been an old girlfriend from many, many years ago.
> 
> Now I believe that my first thought was wrong. It's not her...the problem may be much closer to home. I think it is actually a coworker or a person connected with his job somehow.
> I don't have 100% proof but my instincts are screaming out that things are not right. He has also been secretive with his social media (he mainly uses Twitter for work) and won't post pictures of me anymore at all, and has been stonewalling me at home most of the time now.
> We will sit in the same room and he will hardly acknowledge my presence. I can't hire a PI, I have no supportive friends or family, unable to find a job...I'm at a loss.
> 
> I just want to know what is happening with him. I've tried to ask gently, he denies doing anything. I'm attractive, keep myself in shape (I lost about 30 lbs. in recent years) and I want sex more than he does! I don't nag him about anything at all...but I did tell him how it hurts me that he lied about wanting kids. So maybe he is mad at me and decided to have an affair? Not sure.


Why spend money to find out why your husband is now acting like a jerk? All you need to know is he's treating you badly and being a jerk, and then you have a decision to make. Knowing why isn't going to fix anything. 

If he doesn't even want to talk to you, don't see any point in dragging him to marriage counseling. He's just going on about his life.


----------



## bobert

MichelleMyBelle said:


> It's not a sexless marriage anymore, really. The pandemic brought back his sex drive two years ago! We were together all the time, so he started showing an interest sexually again.


If he is having a workplace affair, his sex drive may have come back because he no longer had access to his affair partner... Pre-covid he may have had a lower sex drive because he was getting it elsewhere or was being faithful to his affair partner instead of you.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> If he is having a workplace affair, his sex drive may have come back because he no longer had access to his affair partner... Pre-covid he may have had a lower sex drive because he was getting it elsewhere or was being faithful to his affair partner instead of you.


This is what I now wonder, Bobert. And that is what makes me angry, the possibility that he was being "faithful" to his AP and not me.
I'm his wife, not her. He owes her nothing...let alone being faithful to her. He made vows to ME, nobody else. 
And I did the same...I've honored my vows to him for 14 years. So if it turns out that you are right, I just...wow is all I can say. 

Also, you may be right because around the time he was home more during COVID, I overheard a weird conversation one day.
I heard him talking on the phone by the kitchen, and he was using this tone I've rarely heard him use with anyone. It was almost like he was trying to comfort somebody and he was saying "oh no, what are you talking about?"
So it could have been innocent, but I wondered if it was another woman (possibly one of two coworkers I suspect) and it was his way of telling her no, he wasn't having sex with his wife because of the pandemic. Maybe it's my imagination, but maybe not. 

And we had started having lots of sex again at that time. I lost weight, and he started to look at me with interest again in that way. 
I'm younger and my face is prettier than hers (if it is who I think it is)...but that doesn't matter. Hopefully no one attacks me for saying that.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why spend money to find out why your husband is now acting like a jerk? All you need to know is he's treating you badly and being a jerk, and then you have a decision to make. Knowing why isn't going to fix anything.
> 
> If he doesn't even want to talk to you, don't see any point in dragging him to marriage counseling. He's just going on about his life.


He wouldn't agree to counseling anyway. I'm not sure he is really being a jerk...just acting strange and has been for a long time.
I think there's more to it than his job. His behavior is odd.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

Anastasia6 said:


> Not everything is necessarily related. No there’s no excuse to cheat. But you asked why he might be separating himself from you or why he may be distancing that goes to resentment sometimes it can also go straight to an affair. So if he’s not having an affair we still need to figure out how to improve your marriage. If he is cheating we have to figure out how to improve your life not being dependent on him is a start.


True, and I respect your point of view. This makes a lot of sense.


----------



## bobert

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Also, you may be right because around the time he was home more during COVID, I overheard a weird conversation one day.
> I heard him talking on the phone by the kitchen, and he was using this tone I've rarely heard him use with anyone. It was almost like he was trying to comfort somebody and he was saying "oh no, what are you talking about?"
> So it could have been innocent, but I wondered if it was another woman (possibly one of two coworkers I suspect) and it was his way of telling her no, he wasn't having sex with his wife because of the pandemic. Maybe it's my imagination, but maybe not.


Like you said, it could be innocent or not. There is really no way for us or you to know - and he will likely lie if questioned about it. Once cheating or suspected cheating comes up, it's very hard not to go over every moment like this with a fine toothed comb. Obsessing over things like that will drive you crazy though, but it's easier said than done to stop it. I obsessed over details like that and trying to make sense of my wife's affairs but it's kind of useless. 



MichelleMyBelle said:


> I'm younger and my face is prettier than hers (if it is who I think it is)...but that doesn't matter. Hopefully no one attacks me for saying that.


No one will attack you for saying that. Most cheaters "affair down" - they choose someone who is of lesser quality, whether that's looks, status, etc.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

frenchpaddy said:


> sorry to read all your story and that you are made feel the need to look for help ,
> there are so many reasons other than your husband cheating , is he staying out late , or when does he have time for another woman , something tells me he is not cheating , i might be wrong , but we are not all cheaters , and is he fit , it sounds like he is not into sex ,
> 
> without proof of things like spending , he does not seem like the type that could have a gf and not spend money on her , as he has proved himself good to you in the past ,


Hi French Paddy...he doesn't really stay out late unless there is an important event where he works. But that only happens a few times a year.
I hope you're right and it's nothing. I truly do. 

As to when he could have time for another woman, well...if a person wants to find the time to cheat, they will. It's just a matter of making time and not being caught. Is he fit? He is in decent shape at 52. Not ripped or anything, but I think he's healthy and looks pretty good. He can't run marathons, but he likes to exercise when time allows it. 

He isn't some insatiable porn star or anything, but he definitely likes sex. Maybe not ALL the time, but he has a sex drive. So maybe it's just me he doesn't like (except when he decides that it's time)? 
Also, proof of spending...I have no way of knowing if he spent money on other women. Not sure about that. But that's just it. It might not be a situation where he spends money. Maybe flirting, an EA, and possibly a PA. Maybe if he is cheating (or has cheated) they have agreed to keep it to emotional/physical but nothing more. 

I just don't know.


----------



## EleGirl

MichelleMyBelle said:


> The job issue...I have a disability (can't share too many details about it here). But other than that, I am hard-working otherwise.
> I do all of what I'm supposed to do, and then some. I have held jobs in the past but that was a long time ago. At almost 40 years old with no connections and a spotty work history, who would hire me at this point?
> I agree with all of your other points. I don't want to live this way, wondering if he could be cheating. And you're right...he made me think we would have children but apparently that was all just a lie. He won't even talk about it, and I'm not getting any younger.
> I know people might say "just leave/divorce". But it's not always that simple. Some situations aren't that simple if you can't be independent and you have no other options.


There are organizations that help people with disabilities find work. One of my sisters was the manager of this kind of organization for years before she retired. They would go out to companies and find ones willing to hire a disabled client. Then they would have one of their counselors go to work with the person until they learned the job and to make sure that the job was a good fit. I wonder what might be in your area that could be of help to you.

Have you worked enough quarters to be eligible for social security disability income?

Also, because of your disability and length of marriage, your husband might be ordered to pay alimony to you for some period of time.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> Like you said, it could be innocent or not. There is really no way for us or you to know - and he will likely lie if questioned about it. Once cheating or suspected cheating comes up, it's very hard not to go over every moment like this with a fine toothed comb. Obsessing over things like that will drive you crazy though, but it's easier said than done to stop it. I obsessed over details like that and trying to make sense of my wife's affairs but it's kind of useless.
> 
> 
> No one will attack you for saying that. Most cheaters "affair down" - they choose someone who is of lesser quality, whether that's looks, status, etc.


Thanks Bobert, I appreciate you. You understand how I must be feeling now. I don't want to be "that" person (crazy and insecure and obsessive)...but I feel that way now. 

And I'm relieved at the last part you added. Some folks might see that and feel compelled to say "no, you're not" (that has happened to me before).
I know her looks and age don't matter, but I provided it for context.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

EleGirl said:


> There are organizations that help people with disabilities find work. One of my sisters was the manager of this kind of organization for years before she retired. They would go out to companies and find ones willing to hire a disabled client. Then they would have one of their counselors go to work with the person until they learned the job and to make sure that the job was a good fit. I wonder what might be in your area that could be of help to you.
> 
> Have you worked enough quarters to be eligible for social security disability income?
> 
> Also, because of your disability and length of marriage, your husband might be ordered to pay alimony to you for some period of time.


Thanks Ele, you've given me a lot to think about here in terms of finding work. Divorce is not an option until I find employment and get to the bottom of this. 
It will take time, but I appreciate your advice.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

MichelleMyBelle said:


> He wouldn't agree to counseling anyway. I'm not sure he is really being a jerk...just acting strange and has been for a long time.
> I think there's more to it than his job. His behavior is odd.


But he won't talk about it? Does he seem depressed or does he seem like busy and detached but not depressed?


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

DownByTheRiver said:


> But he won't talk about it? Does he seem depressed or does he seem like busy and detached but not depressed?


Hey Down...good question. Sometimes he does seem depressed, so that's a possibility. I suffer from depression too (I try not to show it, though).

It's more like withdrawal...a chill that descends on the room. He isn't _always_ like this but it happens enough to where I'm concerned.
This aloof detachment, silent treatment alarms me. It's one thing to be quiet. It's another to withdraw from your spouse for long periods of time, not respond to anything, not laugh at jokes, to be completely shut down. 
And there is an underlying hostility to the silence. An unpleasant tension that seems to come out of nowhere, like he can't stand me anymore.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Hey Down...good question. Sometimes he does seem depressed, so that's a possibility. I suffer from depression too (I try not to show it, though).
> 
> It's more like withdrawal...a chill that descends on the room. He isn't _always_ like this but it happens enough to where I'm concerned.
> This aloof detachment, silent treatment alarms me. It's one thing to be quiet. It's another to withdraw from your spouse for long periods of time, not respond to anything, not laugh at jokes, to be completely shut down.
> And there is an underlying hostility to the silence. An unpleasant tension that seems to come out of nowhere, like he can't stand me anymore.


Sounds like you both might be a little depressed. If you had to think of a reason why he would resent you what would it be?


----------



## BeyondRepair007

@MichelleMyBelle maybe you said this earlier and I missed it. What are the next steps for you to get to the bottom of things?

Are you checking the phone bill?
Getting a VAR?
Getting phone/computer passwords?
Finding out about his co-workers?
All of the above?

Do you have any friendly ears/eyes in his office you could leverage?


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @MichelleMyBelle maybe you said this earlier and I missed it. What are the next steps for you to get to the bottom of things?
> 
> Are you checking the phone bill?
> Getting a VAR?
> Getting phone/computer passwords?
> Finding out about his co-workers?
> All of the above?
> 
> Do you have any friendly ears/eyes in his office you could leverage?


Whoa there, chief...slow down! 😂 One step at a time. I'm taking all of this in at once. I'm embarrassed to say this but no one knows me here, so I'll admit it.
I don't know how to look at the phone bill or bank statements because all of these things are online now. I don't have passwords to any of that. I'm still in the 1800's with this stuff.
That would definitely help. Damn, I wish I knew somebody who could do this. 

The VAR I will definitely try (learned this from reading a lot here on TAM before I decided to join). Finding out about the coworkers?
I've been doing some sleuthing/snooping, but it's tough because his work is a bit tricky. Most of his coworkers seem OK, but a few are suspect.
I think on his social media he pretends to be single or somewhat "open" (for lack of a better term). Not only to meet women, but to help his image career-wise?
One of his coworkers was not on my radar until I noticed that some of her texts were inappropriate (she sent one about anal beads the other day). 😮


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like you both might be a little depressed. If you had to think of a reason why he would resent you what would it be?


I've had depression for years since I was a kid (therapy only works to a point). There are reasons I can't share here. 
As to resentment on his part...all I can come up with is what others here suggested, that it's because he is the sole breadwinner. 
To a point, maybe that is possible. But he says now that he doesn't feel that way at all. He knows I'm grateful for him and for what he does. I tell him/show him daily. 

I don't know otherwise what the resentment would stem from, if it is indeed resentment. I don't belittle him in any way. I try to make him feel special. I'm not submissive (as in being a doormat) but I am respectful of him as a man and as my husband. 
I care deeply for him. Just not sure he still feels that way about me...


----------



## BeyondRepair007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Whoa there, chief...slow down! 😂 One step at a time. I'm taking all of this in at once. I'm embarrassed to say this but no one knows me here, so I'll admit it.
> I don't know how to look at the phone bill or bank statements because all of these things are online now. I don't have passwords to any of that. I'm still in the 1800's with this stuff.
> That would definitely help. Damn, I wish I knew somebody who could do this.
> 
> The VAR I will definitely try (learned this from reading a lot here on TAM before I decided to join). Finding out about the coworkers?
> I've been doing some sleuthing/snooping, but it's tough because his work is a bit tricky. Most of his coworkers seem OK, but a few are suspect.
> I think on his social media he pretends to be single or somewhat "open" (for lack of a better term). Not only to meet women, but to help his image career-wise?
> One of his coworkers was not on my radar until I noticed that some of her texts were inappropriate (she sent one about anal beads the other day). 😮


Anal beads? Holy smokes! Yea that’s appropriate for a co-worker /s

As far as evidence, keep in mind you only need to convince yourself.

How are you seeing his texts (apologies if answered already)?

Start small with your investigation, one step at a time. It’s good you’re going to try a VAR. It is the best/easiest and most likely to give you evidence right away if any exists in voice form.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @MichelleMyBelle maybe you said this earlier and I missed it. What are the next steps for you to get to the bottom of things?
> 
> Are you checking the phone bill?
> Getting a VAR?
> Getting phone/computer passwords?
> Finding out about his co-workers?
> All of the above?
> 
> Do you have any friendly ears/eyes in his office you could leverage?


Sorry Beyond...I missed the last one about eyes and ears. I don't know anyone there that well, otherwise I would definitely ask somebody to keep an eye on things. 
He keeps his business life separate from his life with me. I was OK with that, until some things started to add up that didn't seem right.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Anal beads? Holy smokes! Yea that’s appropriate for a co-worker /s
> 
> As far as evidence, keep in mind you only need to convince yourself.
> 
> How are you seeing his texts (apologies if answered already)?
> 
> Start small with your investigation, one step at a time. It’s good you’re going to try a VAR. It is the best/easiest and most likely to give you evidence right away if any exists in voice form.


yes sir, anal beads. It was in the context of the chess scandal that happened recently, but still. My husband plays chess and she knows that.
Maybe she just didn't think about how bad it looks to send that to a married male coworker? But this is a woman 10 years older than me, who is married herself. I was just like 😮 is she for real?! when I saw it.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> yes sir, anal beads. It was in the context of the chess scandal that happened recently, but still. My husband plays chess and she knows that.
> Maybe she just didn't think about how bad it looks to send that to a married male coworker? But this is a woman 10 years older than me, who is married herself. I was just like 😮 is she for real?! when I saw it.


Yea, sorry, there’s zero context that makes it ok for my wife to talk to any other guy about anal beads, or to be in contact with anyone who tries. Is she for real indeed.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yea, sorry, there’s zero context that makes it ok for my wife to talk to any other guy about anal beads, or to be in contact with anyone who tries. Is she for real indeed.


I agree 100%. I was like, who does that? And just think...his family thinks I'm tacky for drinking black coffee or the occasional glass of wine with a meal. 
But what's tacky is sending a text like that to a married man.


----------



## bobert

MichelleMyBelle said:


> yes sir, anal beads. It was in the context of the chess scandal that happened recently, but still. My husband plays chess and she knows that.
> Maybe she just didn't think about how bad it looks to send that to a married male coworker? But this is a woman 10 years older than me, who is married herself. I was just like 😮 is she for real?! when I saw it.


Some people lack boundaries or common sense and wouldn’t see anything wrong with that. I don't think they would send texts like that unless they were close though. 

What sort of work does your husband do where being (or appearing) single is an advantage?


----------



## bobert

MichelleMyBelle said:


> I agree 100%. I was like, who does that? And just think...his family thinks I'm tacky for drinking black coffee or the occasional glass of wine with a meal.
> But what's tacky is sending a text like that to a married man.


What the heck is wrong with drinking black coffee? Thats literally all I drink. Weird.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> What the heck is wrong with drinking black coffee? Thats literally all I drink. Weird.


I wish I knew. His mom acts like I'm doing meth or something over a cup of coffee. You should see the looks his parents give me over dumb things like that.


----------



## Jimi007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Whoa there, chief...slow down! 😂 One step at a time. I'm taking all of this in at once. I'm embarrassed to say this but no one knows me here, so I'll admit it.
> I don't know how to look at the phone bill or bank statements because all of these things are online now. I don't have passwords to any of that. I'm still in the 1800's with this stuff.
> That would definitely help. Damn, I wish I knew somebody who could do this.
> 
> The VAR I will definitely try (learned this from reading a lot here on TAM before I decided to join). Finding out about the coworkers?
> I've been doing some sleuthing/snooping, but it's tough because his work is a bit tricky. Most of his coworkers seem OK, but a few are suspect.
> I think on his social media he pretends to be single or somewhat "open" (for lack of a better term). Not only to meet women, but to help his image career-wise?
> One of his coworkers was not on my radar until I noticed that some of her texts were inappropriate (she sent one about anal beads the other day). 😮


So you do have access to his phone ?


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> Some people lack boundaries or common sense and wouldn’t see anything wrong with that. I don't think they would send texts like that unless they were close though.
> 
> What sort of work does your husband do where being (or appearing) single is an advantage?


Agreed...maybe it's a boundary or common sense issue. Still weirds me out a bit, though. I've also seen this woman send other texts that aren't always appropriate. I'm OK with people joking around, but there needs to be a line somewhere.
He also mentioned that she seems to always find excuses for him to help her with things she can do herself. She is 48 with a husband and two small children. There is another one he seems overly friendly with as well, but that one doesn't send gross texts (not that I know of). The other one is just kind of an "orbiter" so to speak. 
A "friend" but maybe more than just a friend, if you catch my drift. Single, also late 40's, two grown daughters of her own, can't keep a man in her life, uses my husband for emotional support and always in the middle of some drama. 
Neither one is particularly attractive. Not ugly women, but not pretty either. 

But they both have jobs and I don't, so...maybe there's that. I can't say if he has been involved with either one because I can't prove it.
But there are things I can't ignore and I want to explore further.
As to what he does for a living...if it's safe to share, he is a teacher at a fairly elite school. He is well respected by most people at his job. 
I've always been supportive of his work because it means a lot to him. He has made many connections over the decades of working there. 
I've always been in the background. Only met a few colleagues, but interactions are limited. Never invited to any functions at all in all the years we've been married. 
He won't allow me to post him at all on social media (and I've respected that for the most part). He now will not take pictures with me anymore, and acted VERY weird on a trip we took earlier this year, almost paranoid. 
We have very few pictures together.

When I asked why he acted that way about one photo being taken together on the trip, he claimed that he wanted "privacy" and to remain anonymous.
I find it fishy. So I scrolled through his social media (work account) and while I recognized some people on there, I saw women on there...I have no idea who they are.
They might be connected to his job but I've never seen or heard of them until now. That's what causes discomfort, too. Like who are they and do they know he's married? 

Some jobs unfortunately do want employees to downplay their marital status, but his other coworkers seem to be OK with showing their spouses, etc. 
I feel like I'm a secret. He will mention me to people as "my wife" but won't use my name and most of them have never met me. The few that do meet me often look at me in a weird way, like they know something I don't. It's strange AF.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

Jimi007 said:


> So you do have access to his phone ?


Somewhat, Jimi...there are times when I do. The other day he actually took it into the shower, which he has never done before.
He bought a case/holder specifically for that. He also came home in panic mode a few weeks ago because he'd accidentally left the phone behind.
He doesn't always take it with him, so I wondered if he was afraid I might see things he doesn't want me to see?


----------



## Jimi007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Somewhat, Jimi...there are times when I do. The other day he actually took it into the shower, which he has never done before.
> He bought a case/holder specifically for that. He also came home in panic mode a few weeks ago because he'd accidentally left the phone behind.
> He doesn't always take it with him, so I wondered if he was afraid I might see things he doesn't want me to see?


Good question ? 🤔 Taking it in the shower ? Why ?


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

Jimi007 said:


> Good question ? 🤔 Taking it in the shower ? Why ?


You know Jimi, initially I thought nothing of it when he bought the special holder to take the phone in there. But then I thought about it some more, like..."wait a minute. He's never done that before. Maybe into the bathroom, yes. But never the shower". 

He can look at my texts if he wants to. I have no problem with that, because there's nothing to hide. I'm an open book with him.


----------



## frenchpaddy

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Divorce is not an option until I find employment and get to the bottom of this.
> It will take time,


I think this is an important point from many angles , first staying in a relationship for the reason that you can't get out of it because you need his money to live can't be a nice place to be , it is more like a jail than two people sharing their life together , 
now is the marriage not working ? OR is it not working because you think there is something going on , 
It is important to get divorce for the right reason and not shoot your marriage in the foot , if he is not seeing other women on the side and sometimes we see what we want to see just as much as the women that know their husband is playing around and they don't see it because they don't want to see it , 
We can convince in a few days here that your husband is The World's Best Lover and women in the office Q to have it off 
but you know this man , YOU KNOW HIM LIKE NO OTHER you know him in the sack , is he so good in the sack that office staff want that over the stairs or in the storage room? 

THE OTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT THIS 
Would he want to stay in a marriage that his wife is only staying because she can't afford to go 
If I was he I would be helping you to get a job and let you go your way 
FOR me the most important thing is that my wife is with me because she wants to be with me and not because she made some promise one day at the alter with a church full of on-lookers ,
in our marriage my wife has the freedom to go i have told her and it is important for her to know she has this freedom , many years ago I made over to her half of everything I owned before I know her , as she was with me for a good time then and she was the mother of my children , 

AN IMPORTANT point that comes out of you post above not just for you but for all women and men in a relationship 
is to have and keep a independence , have your own money and fill you life with a job that gives you pride in that your doing something for yourself ,
Another part of this point I know it is not your case but many years ago when abusive things started to come out of the dark ,and people started to talk about all the different types of abusive whys we can be treated women mostly were advised to build what was called a "running away fund " 

IF I HAD to vote on is your husband having sex with a co worker I would vote he is not ,
is he happy in his marriage I don't know AND I think there is a good place for some MC and even one that has a background in helping couples around their sex life 
and you need to push your self to get a job not to get divorce but to live your full you , 

Both my children are handicapped both came out top of their class and both have jobs , is it perfect no their employers put them in a box of thinking they can't do as much as they can but today my son has two other companies looking for him to join them , one said he would pay for full costs of training because he knows he is the type to stay in the company even when things are hard , the same boss all so asked anther coworker to join the company but is not offering him to pay for him because he thinks the other coworker once trained will go ,a rolling stone ,


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

frenchpaddy said:


> I think this is an important point from many angles , first staying in a relationship for the reason that you can't get out of it because you need his money to live can't be a nice place to be , it is more like a jail than two people sharing their life together ,
> now is the marriage not working ? OR is it not working because you think there is something going on ,
> It is important to get divorce for the right reason and not shoot your marriage in the foot , if he is not seeing other women on the side and sometimes we see what we want to see just as much as the women that know their husband is playing around and they don't see it because they don't want to see it ,
> We can convince in a few days here that your husband is The World's Best Lover and women in the office Q to have it off
> but you know this man , YOU KNOW HIM LIKE NO OTHER you know him in the sack , is he so good in the sack that office staff want that over the stairs or in the storage room?
> 
> THE OTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT THIS
> Would he want to stay in a marriage that his wife is only staying because she can't afford to go
> If I was he I would be helping you to get a job and let you go your way
> FOR me the most important thing is that my wife is with me because she wants to be with me and not because she made some promise one day at the alter with a church full of on-lookers ,
> in our marriage my wife has the freedom to go i have told her and it is important for her to know she has this freedom , many years ago I made over to her half of everything I owned before I know her , as she was with me for a good time then and she was the mother of my children ,
> 
> AN IMPORTANT point that comes out of you post above not just for you but for all women and men in a relationship
> is to have and keep a independence , have your own money and fill you life with a job that gives you pride in that your doing something for yourself ,
> Another part of this point I know it is not your case but many years ago when abusive things started to come out of the dark ,and people started to talk about all the different types of abusive whys we can be treated women mostly were advised to build what was called a "running away fund "
> 
> IF I HAD to vote on is your husband having sex with a co worker I would vote he is not ,
> is he happy in his marriage I don't know AND I think there is a good place for some MC and even one that has a background in helping couples around their sex life
> and you need to push your self to get a job not to get divorce but to live your full you ,
> 
> Both my children are handicapped both came out top of their class and both have jobs , is it perfect no their employers put them in a box of thinking they can't do as much as they can but today my son has two other companies looking for him to join them , one said he would pay for full costs of training because he knows he is the type to stay in the company even when things are hard , the same boss all so asked anther coworker to join the company but is not offering him to pay for him because he thinks the other coworker once trained will go ,a rolling stone ,


Hi Paddy...I get what you're saying and I agree on some things. However, some things need to be cleared up here. 
First, I didn't have some fancy church wedding. It was a small courthouse with only about 6 people in attendance. That was what we both decided on. 

Second, although I agree with all of the "get a job" advice and intend to follow through with that, it's not really relevant and it's not why I came here.
I married my husband because I loved (and still love) him...not money. He is not wealthy anyway. So hopefully that dispels some of what may be a misunderstanding here on why I married him, and why I stay. We are just normal people who seem to have hit a bump in our marriage after 14 years. All this talk of "divorce" and "alimony" would be a last resort...I don't want it to come to that.

Maybe I should've been more clear. To proceed with your other points, I think your advice about a job for my own sense of independence is great. 
With that said, everyone is different and I have problems that make finding a job much more difficult. Not an excuse...and it doesn't mean I won't try...but it is my reality. 
That is all I will continue to say on that issue. 

You made me laugh out loud when I got to the part about "good in the sack"! 😂 Maybe I'm wrong, but affairs don't always happen because somebody is skilled at sex. 
They can happen because the opportunity presents itself. A person might get bored, they work with others who are willing to engage with them in that way, there is flirting, banter, etc...that is kind of what I'm worried about here. 
He is attractive (not his fault) and charming and good at his job. He also doesn't seem to have firm boundaries in place sometimes. I can't control what he does at work or elsewhere, but I think my concerns are valid.


----------



## Nico_Jacobs

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Just joined TAM today...you guys seem like a cool bunch for the most part. I took my handle from the song by the Beatles (not my real name!)
> Anyway, I'm 38 and have been married 14 years. No children (because he doesn't want them). I joined because I'm afraid that my marriage may be in trouble. I'm hoping maybe others can relate and offer some advice on what I can do. Thanks, and I look forward to learning more while I'm here!


Welcome. I am new here too, but have already noticed how quick people are to judge and hate on posts based on their own experiences. Your situation is difficult because of the delicate nature of having to get to the truth. My first advice would be to not lower your standards and spy on your husband. That is as dishonest as you believe him to be. Instead, you have to talk directly to him. Tell him your concerns directly and how the things you listed make you feel. A marriage is built on trust and his response will tell you what you need to know. Tell him that you need transparency. Worst case scenario, you find out what you already suspect about your marriage. But consider that the best case in which he reveals that he is troubled too by something and is unaware of how to fix it. The male ego is sensitive and asking for help, especially from those that we are supposed to protect can be very difficult. I hope this helps.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

Also, to clarify more...he seems to fantasize a lot about coworkers. Some might say that's normal, but it's very different from having thoughts about a celebrity you'll never meet. 

A coworker is in your space at work, conversations are being had, texts and phone calls are being shared, sometimes personal details are shared between people that they don't share with a spouse. Some of this has happened already and THAT is part of why I'm here. 
Lines can be crossed, an intimacy can develop in these situations. 

I think also what bothers me is that he often won't talk to me at home, but will be overly helpful and chatty with certain women.
It's not that these women are "hot" or anything...they're just not me, they are different people, so maybe that's the thrill. 
He can play the role of a smooth dude with them. Not so much with me because I've seen him when he hasn't showered, shaved, and he's just hanging out in front of the TV. 

Maybe I should just stop here. I appreciate all the replies.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Maybe I'm wrong, but affairs don't always happen because somebody is skilled at sex.
> They can happen because the opportunity presents itself. A person might get bored, they work with others who are willing to engage with them in that way, there is flirting, banter, etc...that is kind of what I'm worried about here.
> He is attractive (not his fault) and charming and good at his job. He also doesn't seem to have firm boundaries in place sometimes. I can't control what he does at work or elsewhere, but I think my concerns are valid.


You are not wrong at all.

It goes back one step further though... a person who is cheating has some "brokenness" that lets them think it's not wrong to do these things, to entertain the flirtations of the office filly, or to spend the $$ on the prostitute, or whatever they do.

I only mention this because the temptation for the betrayed spouse is to think "if I hadn't been so boring" or "if I had done <whatever>". That's nonsense. A wayward will chose to be a wayward instead of fixing any problems with their spouse and that choice is entirely on the cheater.

So no matter what the underlying cause, the betrayed spouse has NO fault for a person making the decision to go outside the marriage. Cheating is 100% the fault of the wayward spouse.

This took me _years_ to understand and accept.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

MichelleMyBelle said:


> he seems to fantasize a lot about coworkers. Some might say that's normal,


No, it's not normal. But how do you know he does this? Does he tell you or ?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Also, to clarify more...he seems to fantasize a lot about coworkers. Some might say that's normal, but it's very different from having thoughts about a celebrity you'll never meet.
> 
> A coworker is in your space at work, conversations are being had, texts and phone calls are being shared, sometimes personal details are shared between people that they don't share with a spouse. Some of this has happened already and THAT is part of why I'm here.
> Lines can be crossed, an intimacy can develop in these situations.
> 
> I think also what bothers me is that he often won't talk to me at home, but will be overly helpful and chatty with certain women.
> It's not that these women are "hot" or anything...they're just not me, they are different people, so maybe that's the thrill.
> He can play the role of a smooth dude with them. Not so much with me because I've seen him when he hasn't showered, shaved, and he's just hanging out in front of the TV.
> 
> Maybe I should just stop here. I appreciate all the replies.


How do you know he fantasizing about coworkers? Has he shared that or you put it together some how?

Coworkers of the opposite sex are a risk, no doubt. As you said, you spend a lot of time with them and naturally you talk. It can't all be about work if you are with them hours every day. They can result in a bit too much familiarity and comfort, making a step over the line just that much easier. I think it takes some vigilance to not let yourself get attached/attracted in those situations. 

There is something about helping out a woman that seems to give some guys a sense of pride maybe. They like to be seen as the fixer. The one that takes care of you and your problems. That is great when it is your romantic partner, but again, can put you close to a line you should be avoiding. Do you show appreciation for him when he does something for you? I know we all can start to take for granted the things our spouses do. It can be tiresome to say thanks for things they should probably be doing anyway, but it can go a long way to letting them know they are appreciated. I bet the women at work just fawn over him when he does something for them.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

Nico_Jacobs said:


> Welcome. I am new here too, but have already noticed how quick people are to judge and hate on posts based on their own experiences. Your situation is difficult because of the delicate nature of having to get to the truth. My first advice would be to not lower your standards and spy on your husband. That is as dishonest as you believe him to be. Instead, you have to talk directly to him. Tell him your concerns directly and how the things you listed make you feel. A marriage is built on trust and his response will tell you what you need to know. Tell him that you need transparency. Worst case scenario, you find out what you already suspect about your marriage. But consider that the best case in which he reveals that he is troubled too by something and is unaware of how to fix it. The male ego is sensitive and asking for help, especially from those that we are supposed to protect can be very difficult. I hope this helps.


Nice to meet you too, Nico! I think most folks here mean well. Their advice is pretty spot-on most of the time. 
But yeah...I was more looking for advice on dealing with a spouse who uses the silent treatment, and how cheating might play a part in that (behavioral changes). 
It was my fault for not being more clear. 

I agree with some of your points too. He knows he can talk to me if there is a problem. I might not be able to fix whatever it is, but I will listen. 
You are right...having to snoop is not a good feeling at all. But it seems to be the only way to find the truth, because as another person here wisely said, sometimes a cheating spouse will deny anything. Some people have no problem with lying right to your face even with proof. 
So that's kind of where I'm at. I don't have proof (and I hope I'm just nuts here) but there are things that caused me to lose trust. 

Thanks for your kind words, and I'm sorry you are in a similar boat.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

BigDaddyNY said:


> How do you know he fantasizing about coworkers? Has he shared that or you put it together some how?
> 
> Coworkers of the opposite sex are a risk, no doubt. As you said, you spend a lot of time with them and naturally you talk. It can't all be about work if you are with them hours every day. They can result in a bit too much familiarity and comfort, making a step over the line just that much easier. I think it takes some vigilance to not let yourself get attached/attracted in those situations.
> 
> There is something about helping out a woman that seems to give some guys a sense of pride maybe. They like to be seen as the fixer. The one that takes care of you and your problems. That is great when it is your romantic partner, but again, can put you close to a line you should be avoiding. Do you show appreciation for him when he does something for you? I know we all can start to take for granted the things our spouses do. It can be tiresome to say thanks for things they should probably be doing anyway, but it can go a long way to letting them know they are appreciated. I bet the women at work just fawn over him when he does something for them.


Right BigDaddy, and that's part of the problem. Being helpful is great but when one is doing it to earn "cool points" with the ladies and not being attentive enough to the wife they have at home, it's not good. 

As to whether I show appreciation, I do so daily. I never take him for granted. I don't fawn, but I make sure he feels loved and I give him all the attention/support/whatever. 
But for some people, that isn't enough.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> No, it's not normal. But how do you know he does this? Does he tell you or ?


Many people seem to think it's no big deal. Maybe it isn't until the line is crossed at some point. How do I know? 
Well, he is overly friendly with some of them, two in particular. He occasionally looks at porn of men banging coworkers. He also searched articles about people who fantasize about coworkers just to be able to have sex with their spouse (which just sh*ts all over my self-confidence even more). And articles about whether a person who thinks of cheating should feel guilty or not. 

I would consider some type of "coworker" role play, but I shouldn't have to do that to keep him interested in me.


----------



## Nico_Jacobs

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Nice to meet you too, Nico! I think most folks here mean well. Their advice is pretty spot-on most of the time.
> But yeah...I was more looking for advice on dealing with a spouse who uses the silent treatment, and how cheating might play a part in that (behavioral changes).
> It was my fault for not being more clear.
> 
> I agree with some of your points too. He knows he can talk to me if there is a problem. I might not be able to fix whatever it is, but I will listen.
> You are right...having to snoop is not a good feeling at all. But it seems to be the only way to find the truth, because as another person here wisely said, sometimes a cheating spouse will deny anything. Some people have no problem with lying right to your face even with proof.
> So that's kind of where I'm at. I don't have proof (and I hope I'm just nuts here) but there are things that caused me to lose trust.
> 
> Thanks for your kind words, and I'm sorry you are in a similar boat.
> I apologize if I said (don’t believe I did) that my situation was similar. It’s not. I have been married for 25+ years to my high school girlfriend. Where I can relate though is in the silence from him. My wife and kids would tell you that I am the most unpredictable person they know because of how I rarely talk about random things. I literally have one social media account and that is only if you count this forum as one. My wife has worried in the past that I wasn’t happy because I never posted pics of us when I had Facebook. I think it is because she always did. I would explain that I don’t post anything at all and actually just read posts that I follow. She has unfettered access to anything that is mine and I think I do for her too. That being said, I have never looked through anything of hers because, in all honesty, if I felt like I needed to then I also believe that our problems are much bigger than just suspicion. You have every right to be curious, but I also believe as a married man that our spouses also must be given the benefit of the doubt vice the assumption that they are doing something wrong. Like you said, he may lie to your face. If that happens, then you know that you have a trust issue (sounds like you do anyway). If that is the case, then you have a decision to make. I assure you that this is not just random advice. I have two bachelors degrees (Religion and Social work) and a Master’s degree in Mental Health and Wellness with an emphasis in family dynamics. Couple that with many years of marriage, and my firm belief is that no matter the scenario, I would always choose to trust the word of my wife. I owe her that and just because he may be breaking his commitment to you, please don’t return the favor by acting in kind. Also, great username:


----------



## BeyondRepair007

Interesting statistics in this article.

7. 

Cheating men rarely tell their wives they cheated. Without being asked, just 7% of men admitted to their wives that they cheated. Approximately 68% of men never admit to cheating or do so only after their wives have concrete evidence of the affairs.[10]
20

A University of Washington study found that among spouses who cheated, 46% of women and 62% of men did so with someone they met at work.[7]
31

More than 60% of affairs start at work.[3]











64 Interesting Facts about Affairs | FactRetriever.com


Explore the inner workings of infidelity with our interesting list of affairs facts, including surprising statistics, history, psychology, and much more!




www.factretriever.com


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You are not wrong at all.
> 
> It goes back one step further though... a person who is cheating has some "brokenness" that lets them think it's not wrong to do these things, to entertain the flirtations of the office filly, or to spend the $$ on the prostitute, or whatever they do.
> 
> I only mention this because the temptation for the betrayed spouse is to think "if I hadn't been so boring" or "if I had done <whatever>". That's nonsense. A wayward will chose to be a wayward instead of fixing any problems with their spouse and that choice is entirely on the cheater.
> 
> So no matter what the underlying cause, the betrayed spouse has NO fault for a person making the decision to go outside the marriage. Cheating is 100% the fault of the wayward spouse.
> 
> This took me _years_ to understand and accept.


Thanks Beyond, that makes sense. You're right, it is making me think that he finds me boring (I've heard men actually say they're tired of being with the same woman for X number of years).
I'm afraid of that. My father was a serial cheater who divorced my mom when I was only a year old because he knocked up another woman. 
So maybe some of my fears stem from that, as well as an ex-boyfriend who cheated, etc. I'm not judging my husband (or all men for that matter) based on them...but yeah, my default is to feel that on some level he no longer finds me "enough" of what he wants. 

Because if he did, why shut me out? Why the need for secrecy/privacy? Why the need for female attention when I give him plenty of attention? Why hide me from these female "friends"/coworkers? I'm not some jealous witch that attacks people devilish...I'm just confused.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

My apologies, Nico...maybe I had you confused with somebody else then. I thought your situation was similar to mine. 
I have no intention of cheating on him. Never have in 14 years, don't plan to start now. And I've had opportunities, but I choose not to go there. 

I think I need to be more clear also on the social media issue. I often don't post anything on social media either. Where the problem came in was this year we took a vacation and he had a bizarre reaction to a nice photo of us being taken at an event we went to. 
I never saw him act that way before. He became angry, agitated, and hostile to the photographer...claiming that he was being "coerced" into taking the picture and that he wanted "anonymity". 
He isn't some famous person, so this was weird. The picture should have simply been a nice memory of our trip and nothing more. 
I had no plans to put the picture on social media. I simply wanted it as a keepsake, a framed photo to have in our home. 

His reaction (coupled with some other things) made me wonder if there was more to it. Like maybe another woman that finds out he is married and on vacation with his wife, if I were so inclined to post the picture online? 
So maybe I do have trust issues...but sometimes others have a "lying" issue as well.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MichelleMyBelle said:


> My apologies, Nico...maybe I had you confused with somebody else then. I thought your situation was similar to mine.
> I have no intention of cheating on him. Never have in 14 years, don't plan to start now. And I've had opportunities, but I choose not to go there.
> 
> I think I need to be more clear also on the social media issue. I often don't post anything on social media either. Where the problem came in was this year we took a vacation and he had a bizarre reaction to a nice photo of us being taken at an event we went to.
> I never saw him act that way before. He became angry, agitated, and hostile to the photographer...claiming that he was being "coerced" into taking the picture and that he wanted "anonymity".
> He isn't some famous person, so this was weird. The picture should have simply been a nice memory of our trip and nothing more.
> I had no plans to put the picture on social media. I simply wanted it as a keepsake, a framed photo to have in our home.
> 
> His reaction (coupled with some other things) made me wonder if there was more to it. Like maybe another woman that finds out he is married and on vacation with his wife, if I were so inclined to post the picture online?
> So maybe I do have trust issues...but sometimes others have a "lying" issue as well.


Does he every post something of a personal nature on SM?


----------



## Nico_Jacobs

MichelleMyBelle said:


> My apologies, Nico...maybe I had you confused with somebody else then. I thought your situation was similar to mine.
> I have no intention of cheating on him. Never have in 14 years, don't plan to start now. And I've had opportunities, but I choose not to go there.
> 
> I think I need to be more clear also on the social media issue. I often don't post anything on social media either. Where the problem came in was this year we took a vacation and he had a bizarre reaction to a nice photo of us being taken at an event we went to.
> I never saw him act that way before. He became angry, agitated, and hostile to the photographer...claiming that he was being "coerced" into taking the picture and that he wanted "anonymity".
> He isn't some famous person, so this was weird. The picture should have simply been a nice memory of our trip and nothing more.
> I had no plans to put the picture on social media. I simply wanted it as a keepsake, a framed photo to have in our home.
> 
> His reaction (coupled with some other things) made me wonder if there was more to it. Like maybe another woman that finds out he is married and on vacation with his wife, if I were so inclined to post the picture online?
> So maybe I do have trust issues...but sometimes others have a "lying" issue as well.
> 
> I absolutely agree with you and he may be lying. And for the picture thing, it is suspicious. The only thing I think possible is to ask. Again he may lie to you. I just know that if my wife suspected me of cheating it would kill me. I think knowing she didn’t trust me, as I do her, would change my feelings about the marriage. I would feel like this trust that I believe in didn’t exist like I though. So for your sake, I do pray that all of this is purely coincidental, and that you are able to live, love, and trust again. No matter what though, it shows your commitment to the marriage that you are seeking support vice just flying off of the handle and assuming the worst.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

BigDaddyNY said:


> Does he every post something of a personal nature on SM?


Hmm...not sure how to answer that one. When you say "personal" what do you mean? On his old FB (now inactive, as is mine) he has one old photo of us from about 15 years ago.
But no one ever sees that anyway besides a couple of his relatives.

Now Twitter is slightly different. He has his work account and another separate Twitter account, and there is NO evidence on there at all that he is married, in a relationship, nothing. 
I know people will say that social media means nothing and that the happiest couples don't even have social media. Maybe in some cases, that's true. 
But I looked at his work Twitter and there are females on there I've never even heard of. I have no idea who these people are. 
I would ask him, but again...no guarantee of truth and he might not like my "snooping". 

I have a feeling some women don't even know that he is married.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

Thanks so much, Nico...your response is just what I needed to hear! I really appreciate that. I think I will try to calm down and not be suspicious or worry too much, at least for now.


----------



## frenchpaddy

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Second, although I agree with all of the "get a job" advice and intend to follow through with that, it's not really relevant and it's not why I came here.
> I married my husband because I loved (and still love) him...not money. He is not wealthy anyway. So hopefully that dispels some of what may be a misunderstanding here on why I married him, and why I stay. We are just normal people who seem to have hit a bump in our marriage after 14 years. All this talk of "divorce" and "alimony" would be a last resort...I don't want it to come to that.


i know what it is like to have a handicap and get a job and even to get passed over even though you are better at the job than the lick ass that is good to lick up , 

If what you think your husband is up to it is more than a bump , it is why I advised MC


----------



## jlg07

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Thanks so much...you've motivated me to try once more. I appreciate it. I need to believe I can do it.


You can looked at LINKEDIN -- set up a profile there. You can put in job parameters that they can send you -- and you can include REMOTE ONLY on their site to get real remote jobs.


----------



## jlg07

MichelleMyBelle said:


> until I noticed that some of her texts were inappropriate (she sent one about anal beads the other day). 😮


Wow THAT is definitely NOT normal "work" conversations -- unless he works in the sex toy or porn industry.
Does he know you saw that? Sounds like you DO have access to his phone?


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

jlg07 said:


> You can looked at LINKEDIN -- set up a profile there. You can put in job parameters that they can send you -- and you can include REMOTE ONLY on their site to get real remote jobs.


Thanks! I was under the impression that LinkedIn was for people already in the work force? Or people who hadn't been unemployed for a long time? I will try that, though. I appreciate the help.


----------



## jlg07

MichelleMyBelle said:


> I think also what bothers me is that he often won't talk to me at home, but will be overly helpful and chatty with certain women.
> It's not that these women are "hot" or anything...they're just not me, they are different people, so maybe that's the thrill.


Have you ever called him on this? Just flat out "You ignore me when we are home together, but you immediately jump to talk/help these other women -- and that is not fair to me"?


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

jlg07 said:


> Wow THAT is definitely NOT normal "work" conversations -- unless he works in the sex toy or porn industry.
> Does he know you saw that? Sounds like you DO have access to his phone?


Nope, no sex industry here! 😂 I am howling at some of these comments, you guys. Like I told Beyond Repair...the "anal beads" text was in the context of what happened recently where somebody cheated during a chess match against Magnus Carlson (he is a chess grandmaster for those who don't know).

My husband is also an avid chess player, and this coworker is aware of that. So I was like 😮 WTF? when I saw the text.
I mean...one might say OK, she meant no harm and it's a joke. And maybe context matters sometimes. But on the other hand, I thought "wow. She must be very comfortable with him to send a text like that". 

I'm not saying it's his fault she sent it, but he should have shut her down. Not only because he's married, but because people can get into trouble at work that way (sexual harassment or accusations of it).


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

jlg07 said:


> Have you ever called him on this? Just flat out "You ignore me when we are home together, but you immediately jump to talk/help these other women -- and that is not fair to me"?


Yes, I have. I try to do it in a kind, non-accusatory way but that rarely works. He might be a bit apologetic for a little while and then it's back to ignoring me.


----------



## MichelleMyBelle

Oh, I'm sorry...forgot to say that yes, sometimes I do have access to his phone. It's rare, but sometimes I do. 
My eyes popped out when I saw that text, lemme tell ya.


----------



## jlg07

MichelleMyBelle said:


> My apologies, Nico...maybe I had you confused with somebody else then. I thought your situation was similar to mine.
> I have no intention of cheating on him. Never have in 14 years, don't plan to start now. And I've had opportunities, but I choose not to go there.
> 
> I think I need to be more clear also on the social media issue. I often don't post anything on social media either. Where the problem came in was this year we took a vacation and he had a bizarre reaction to a nice photo of us being taken at an event we went to.
> I never saw him act that way before. He became angry, agitated, and hostile to the photographer...claiming that he was being "coerced" into taking the picture and that he wanted "anonymity".
> He isn't some famous person, so this was weird. The picture should have simply been a nice memory of our trip and nothing more.
> I had no plans to put the picture on social media. I simply wanted it as a keepsake, a framed photo to have in our home.
> 
> His reaction (coupled with some other things) made me wonder if there was more to it. Like maybe another woman that finds out he is married and on vacation with his wife, if I were so inclined to post the picture online?
> So maybe I do have trust issues...but sometimes others have a "lying" issue as well.


It's YOUR social media -- you should feel NO issues with posting things about you and your husband doing things together etc, and make sure HE is tagged. A subtle way of getting out that he is married to you.
AND if you update your relationship status make sure he is tagged...

Another thing -- schools are very known for a high rate of cheating, so keep your eyes open and try to investigate...


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## MichelleMyBelle

jlg07 said:


> It's YOUR social media -- you should feel NO issues with posting things about you and your husband doing things together etc, and make sure HE is tagged. A subtle way of getting out that he is married to you.
> AND if you update your relationship status make sure he is tagged...
> 
> Another thing -- schools are very known for a high rate of cheating, so keep your eyes open and try to investigate...


Thanks, jlg...I agree, I've heard that about schools as well. I can see it happening because people work so closely together on a daily basis. 
And they all have each other's cell numbers, contact info, etc. which makes it easy to communicate often (and not just about work).
They are all in the same social media network on Twitter too. Oddly enough, Miss Anal Beads doesn't seem to have social media anywhere (I've looked). 

He asked me years ago to not post him on social media, so other than a couple of photos, I respected his wishes.
I don't post him on there because he asked me not to and I figured at the time he had good reasons. Now I have to wonder. That, and right after we were married, he told me that no spouses were allowed to ever attend functions at the school. 
Now I'm not so sure about that. 

What's weird too, is that he won't take pictures with me anymore, and he won't let me post a picture of him or us together...but a different female coworker tagged him in a group photo at their job and he seemed to have no problem with that.
So maybe it's just me? Not sure what to think. Or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. 🧐


----------



## BigDaddyNY

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Thanks, jlg...I agree, I've heard that about schools as well. I can see it happening because people work so closely together on a daily basis.
> And they all have each other's cell numbers, contact info, etc. which makes it easy to communicate often (and not just about work).
> They are all in the same social media network on Twitter too. Oddly enough, Miss Anal Beads doesn't seem to have social media anywhere (I've looked).
> 
> He asked me years ago to not post him on social media, so other than a couple of photos, I respected his wishes.
> I don't post him on there because he asked me not to and I figured at the time he had good reasons. Now I have to wonder. That, and right after we were married, he told me that no spouses were allowed to ever attend functions at the school.
> Now I'm not so sure about that.
> 
> What's weird too, is that he won't take pictures with me anymore, and he won't let me post a picture of him or us together...but a different female coworker tagged him in a group photo at their job and he seemed to have no problem with that.
> So maybe it's just me? Not sure what to think. Or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. 🧐


You should have been questioning all those things at the time they occurred.


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## re16

@MichelleMyBelle

So there is a parade worth of red flags in what you've revealed. If it is one or two, could be nothing, but his behavior is highly questionable. The type of porn, and the nature of those google searches is eye opening.

I think your job right now is to find out what is going on.

Your husband's behavior is disrespectful to you and extremely suspicious.

To be honest, if there is a potential that he is cheating, getting your own job and increasing your income is the last thing you would want to do.

Don't de-value yourself - you don't deserve to be treated that way. Sometimes it is scary to standup for yourself, especially if you are not feeling confident due to how he has treated you... but it is necessary.


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## MichelleMyBelle

BigDaddyNY said:


> You should have been questioning all those things at the time they occurred.


Maybe I should have. But it's like they say "coulda, shoulda, woulda". And the thing is...like many women, I didn't want to be accused of being crazy or controlling or jealous (because that seems to be the default when a woman questions things). 
That's why some of us let things slide, because we don't want those labels unfairly put on us.


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## MichelleMyBelle

re16 said:


> @MichelleMyBelle
> 
> So there is a parade worth of red flags in what you've revealed. If it is one or two, could be nothing, but his behavior is highly questionable. The type of porn, and the nature of those google searches is eye opening.
> 
> I think your job right now is to find out what is going on.
> 
> Your husband's behavior is disrespectful to you and extremely suspicious.
> 
> To be honest, if there is a potential that he is cheating, getting your own job and increasing your income is the last you would want to do.
> 
> Don't de-value yourself - you don't deserve to be treated that way. Sometimes it is scary to standup for yourself, especially if you are not feeling confident due to how he has treated you... but it is necessary.


Thank you, I appreciate your wise and compassionate words. I agree that finding a job is important. I love my husband despite my doubts.
I only hope that my fears/suspicions are unfounded.


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## MichelleMyBelle

BigDaddyNY said:


> You should have been questioning all those things at the time they occurred.


Oh, I wanted to add...I felt there was no reason to question it at the time. I was a lot younger then, I loved my husband (still do), looked forward to a great future. 
I didn't see him as the type who would want attention from other women. There were hopes for a family, children, a relatively simple and happy life together. 

Well, maybe I've shared too much here and I'm in the wrong place. I do appreciate all of the feedback I've received, though. 
You all have given me food for thought.


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## bobert

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Oh, I wanted to add...I felt there was no reason to question it at the time. I was a lot younger then, I loved my husband (still do), looked forward to a great future.
> I didn't see him as the type who would want attention from other women. There were hopes for a family, children, a relatively simple and happy life together.
> 
> Well, maybe I've shared too much here and I'm in the wrong place. I do appreciate all of the feedback I've received, though.
> You all have given me food for thought.


You have posted a lot of red flags, and the things like his porn preferences and search history are definitely concerning given everything else going on. 

Sometimes red flags don't mean anything, even a long list of them. And sure you don't want to be paranoid, but you also don't want to bury your head in the sand - and it seems like that's what you're doing.


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## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> You have posted a lot of red flags, and the things like his porn preferences and search history are definitely concerning given everything else going on.
> 
> Sometimes red flags don't mean anything, even a long list of them. And sure you don't want to be paranoid, but you also don't want to bury your head in the sand - and it seems like that's what you're doing.


If I buried my head in the sand, I wouldn't be here. 🙂 Just trying to see what others might think of what I've shared and if anyone has had similar concerns in their own marriage. 
I'm not trying to jump straight into divorce mode without proof of anything. I also don't want to accuse my husband without evidence, even if things seem sketchy. 

Can a moderator end this thread? Thanks for the advice, everyone...but things are going in circles now. I'm grateful to all of you for taking the time to read and reply. I will follow up later at some point in a new thread.


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## bobert

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Some jobs unfortunately do want employees to downplay their marital status, but his other coworkers seem to be OK with showing their spouses, etc.
> I feel like I'm a secret. He will mention me to people as "my wife" but won't use my name and most of them have never met me. The few that do meet me often look at me in a weird way, like they know something I don't. It's strange AF.


I cannot think of any reason why a male teacher would be better if they were unmarried. That seems like a load of crap that he's trying to feed you.

I'm sure there are some fields that unmarried men do better in, but teaching? I think it would be the opposite. A family guy isn't a bad teacher, it's a trustworthy one - especially for a male who is around people's children. Married men are generally seen as more trustworthy, so for things like sales it's a pro. Even unmarried men I work with throw on a ring for meetings. For women, it's the opposite (no ring, no picture of the family on their desk is better).


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## bobert

MichelleMyBelle said:


> If I buried my head in the sand, I wouldn't be here. 🙂 Just trying to see what others might think of what I've shared and if anyone has had similar concerns in their own marriage.
> I'm not trying to jump straight into divorce mode without proof of anything. I also don't want to accuse my husband without evidence, even if things seem sketchy.
> 
> Can a moderator end this thread? Thanks for the advice, everyone...but things are going in circles now. I'm grateful to all of you for taking the time to read and reply. I will follow up later at some point in a new thread.


You don't have to jump to divorce or accuse your husband of an affair, I wouldn't recommend either of those things right now. You should be trying to figure out what's going on, not ignoring the issues because you might not like the answer. Your choice, though.


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## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> You don't have to jump to divorce or accuse your husband of an affair, I wouldn't recommend either of those things right now. You should be trying to figure out what's going on, not ignoring the issues because you might not like the answer. Your choice, though.


But that's just it. I'm not ignoring anything. Otherwise I wouldn't be on this forum wondering if anything is happening, and maybe learning from others who have experience with this. 

I haven't ignored any of the advice I've been given.


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## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> I cannot think of any reason why a male teacher would be better if they were unmarried. That seems like a load of crap that he's trying to feed you.
> 
> I'm sure there are some fields that unmarried men do better in, but teaching? I think it would be the opposite. A family guy isn't a bad teacher, it's a trustworthy one - especially for a male who is around people's children. Married men are generally seen as more trustworthy, so for things like sales it's a pro. Even unmarried men I work with throw on a ring for meetings. For women, it's the opposite (no ring, no picture of the family on their desk is better).


I agree with your logic on this. The only thing that _may_ explain it is that some places might see evidence of a spouse as some type of obstacle career-wise (like you said in your example of married women). My husband used to have a very small photo of me on his desk at work years ago, but he doesn't anymore. Although that may also be because he now has to share a classroom with other teachers (he had his own room before). 

Maybe I have indeed been a fool, and I deserve the criticism.


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## bobert

MichelleMyBelle said:


> Maybe I have indeed been a fool, and I deserve the criticism.


You don't deserve criticism. It's easy for outsiders to judge but it's different when you're the one in the situation. It's a small thing here and there that eventually adds up to a heaping pile of warning signs. And you want to trust your spouse, that's normal - after all, we should all be able to trust that our spouse would never betray or hurt us. 

I let my wife's very questionable behavior slide for years, or didn't even realize it was happening. When I came here, I had pages and pages of people saying I was an idiot, she was cheating, and me saying "nope, find a different explanation". So I have no room to judge. If I came off that way I apologize and it wasn't intended. I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the last two days and it's showing sometimes.


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## MichelleMyBelle

bobert said:


> You don't deserve criticism. It's easy for outsiders to judge but it's different when you're the one in the situation. It's a small thing here and there that eventually adds up to a heaping pile of warning signs. And you want to trust your spouse, that's normal - after all, we should all be able to trust that our spouse would never betray or hurt us.
> 
> I let my wife's very questionable behavior slide for years, or didn't even realize it was happening. When I came here, I had pages and pages of people saying I was an idiot, she was cheating, and me saying "nope, find a different explanation". So I have no room to judge. If I came off that way I apologize and it wasn't intended. I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the last two days and it's showing sometimes.


No, maybe I needed the boot of reality in my a$$. You were honest in how you see the situation, so I thank you for that. 
Maybe I need to wake up. Bobert...if I may ask (forgive me if you don't want to share)...but what did your wife do? 
I know it's none of my business. But what happened to make you not trust her anymore? And did y'all divorce or were you able to heal from the betrayal and work it out? 

Also, I feel you on the lack of sleep! That has been problem with so many people since COVID hit, it seems. 
Lack of sleep is such a bummer.


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## re16

Teacher? Uh oh... it seems like people in education and the medical industry are the two most common professions for cheaters on TAM.


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## Openminded

I was married for a very long time to a cheater. I’m not saying your husband is or isn’t but there are definitely red flags. You don’t have to act on them immediately but don’t ignore them. Looking back, I can see several red flags that I dismissed at the time and wish I hadn’t.


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