# Engaged and worried



## engaged1579 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi All,

Sorry if this is a bit long winded, but I have a lot to get off my chest and I don't know how to solve this. First, a bit of history.

When I met my fiance, we both just knew we had to be together. I've never felt so connected to anyone before in my life. I had a five year long relationship which ended badly before this, and never in those five years felt so connected to someone. Now, at first it was just getting to know each other, but we just couldn't stay away from each other. Pretty soon it developed into a relationship and when it came to sex, we were really good together. We would have sex multiple times a week and we were totally in sync with each other. In fact, when we went on holiday together, we were having sex six to seven times a day!

As the relationship has progressed, we moved in together, and eventually bought a house together. During all this time, our sex lives slowly decreased. It just seemed to happen less and less. I have never been able to instigate sex. Any time I have tried, she just says that she is not in the mood or too tired or some other excuse. It has now got to the point where we are engaged (for three months now) and pretty much never having sex. Last time we had sex when she was sober was the night of our engagement three months ago. Between that and today we have had sex once from memory where there were a fair few drinks involved. I am getting more and more depressed about this. To me sex is an expression of love, it doesn't matter if its slow love making or wild animal sex, the point is it is something that I share with her and no one else and it is really special to me. I am starting to feel resentful because I feel like it is never going to happen.

I have tried taking to her about it quite a few times, but she just gets frustrated and tells me that I should just love her even if her sex drive has dropped. I don't want this to destroy out marriage in the long term, but I'm really worried that it will 

I have had to go away for work just recently and I'm actually writing this away from home again. When I'm away I miss her like crazy. I hate being away from her. When I get home, I just want to sweep her off her feet and not leave that house for the rest of the day. Instead, when I got home last time, she said, "have a look at this video I saw on youtube". I just wanted to take her to the bedroom, but I watched. Then we watched more and more videos until she said she was tired and we went to bed. I was only home for five nights before I left again, and we did not have sex once! What is even worse is I thought Saturday night would have been the perfect opportunity. She went to a friends hens night which had a burlesque theme. She looked beyond hot in her costume!! Consequently I had a dress up perty to go to on the same night. I dressed up as a fireman (only because I know she likes the fireman's uniform). I thought that this would be it for sure!! Unfortunately she mixed her drinks that night and was feeling rather bad, so that went out the window, but she said that the next day we'd have a long love making session before I left for the airport. Now she has said this sort of thing so many times and not followed through, that I just knew it wouldn't happen, but I just accepted it. The next morning, first thing she does is suggest we go out for a nice breakfast. Instead of thinking that it would be nice to go out with her on my last day before I leave for work, I'm rather thinking that she is already looking for excuses not to have sex with me again. 

She says that it's nothing to do with me, but just to do with her, but I am getting so depressed and upset about it. Other than our sex life, our relationship is perfect and I wouldn't change a thing. I just don't understand what to do. When I talk about it, she ends up getting annoyed and says something like, "I'll just go to the doctors, surely they have pills for this and then you'll be happy!!" I'm supposed to just accept that as an ending to the conversation. Of course she never actually goes to the doctor anyway, so I'm just at a loss. I just don't know what to do


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

If I were in your shoes I would call off the engagement and ask her to see a doctor and/or a counsellor. If she has no drive now what is it going to be like in 25 years time? 

Physical intimacy is a part of marriage and if she can't do it for whatever reason it is not a marriage.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Get her Dr. Laura's book Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

I am so sick to death of women who "aren't in the mood". 

My husband wakes up and is NOT in the mood for work, or NOT in the mood to deal with the kids, or NOT in the mood to do chores around the house. But never does NOT do these things. If he can always provide me with a safe loving home and food for us then I can certainly make time to provide him love and attention.

Thats one promise I have held to even threw ups and downs. Even if we have had a bad day or are in a bad mood, if we have sex we are always reconnected and happy at the end of it. I can't even think of a time when I didn't get in the mood once he started loving on me. 

This is one of the hardest parts of him being deployed. We talk and talk and then some days we wanna end it in sex and can't. We are both need that physical contact to connect.


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## engaged1579 (Oct 31, 2010)

I am willing to do anything for this relationship. I don't care what I have to do, I'm willing to do it. I just need to know what to say to her that will get the message across that we need to fight this together or it will mean the end for us.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Well, you can't force her in the end. It has to be her decision.

I would probably take the route Jamesa said. Sex is very important to me. I am not ashamed to say sexual appetite is one of the reasons I thought my husband was a good match for me. I had been with someone with a lower sex drive. Didn't work very well and I am not a cheater.


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## engaged1579 (Oct 31, 2010)

Thanks  I'll definitely look that book up.

I feel like I do everything I can to provide for her. I have a good job, look after all the mortgage, bills etc. We're never struggling for money or anything like that. I do travel for work every now and then, but it is rare. When I'm not travelling, I'm home every night by her side. I'm not one of the "party with the boys the wife comes second" kind of guys. She is my world and I would do anything to make sure she is happy and I would do anything to support her no matter what it is she wanted to do.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> She says that it's nothing to do with me, but just to do with her, but I am getting so depressed and upset about it. Other than our sex life, our relationship is perfect and I wouldn't change a thing. I just don't understand what to do


Cut her loose and honestly wish her well and be friends with her (if she wants).

It doesn't matter if the other parts of your relationship are good.

She may be a great match for a guy who is the same way and there are guys out there like that, just like there are horny toad women out there (they're in here actually, I think  ).

I had a low drama wife too, and by no means were other part of our relationship sound,. . .but at this point, I think Drama and Libido kinda go together so I am up for a woman and taking on some drama in exchange for libido.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

While thats all wonderful and good and I admire you for taking such care...be sure not to lose yourself to the relationship and not smother her. My husband and I have very active healthy hobbies (Horses & photography for me and motorcycles and art for him). It gives us productive time away from each other, builds healthy relationships with new people. We have more to talk about and more to share. We both need space, we both need to miss each other and it makes coming back to each other that much more exciting.

I thought at one point this deployment would break us. We have been together 9 years, 7 married. We've lived together exactly half of our married life. He's been over seas the other half. Distance does not have to be a barrier.

When you leave and come back she could always surprise you with rose petals and champaign or you do the same for her. Make every reunion like a honeymoon


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I think Drama and Libido kinda go together so I am up for a woman and taking on some drama in exchange for libido.


My H always gets a boner when we argue. He always turns red and starts laughing in the middle of an argument and tries to cross his legs. He'll say "I feel SO wrong" and that pretty much ends the argument and starts the sex athon cuz I DON'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG ABOUT IT 

In fact I wouldn't be surprised to find out we start stupid arguments cuz they are easy to solve and we get make up sex


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think that was often a definitive difference between my ex and I and how frustrated I was.

I would have had sex after any argument. 

I know that's more a guy trait but I know there a lot of couples like you - they'll fight all day about something but geez, at the end of the day. . .we are still having sex, right? Heck, we could keep argueing through it for all I would have cared, lol.

Good for you. Very healthy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> I think Drama and Libido kinda go together so I am up for a woman and taking on some drama in exchange for libido.


 I just laughed when I read this :iagree: I think this is very true, I have a H of a libito and I can cause an awful lot of drama for my man sometimes. And we always end it in that wonderful make up sex. 

Engaged: What caused her to go from 6 times a day to not caring at all ? Hormonal birth control ? If so, This can really mess with a woman's sex drive. Is she under alot of stress at work?

I wouldn't marry her until this is sorted out. You will grow to resent her , no matter how good/perfect everything else is. Even though married sex is maybe 5% of the time we spend togther with our spouse, it ends up being probably 90% important & one of the biggest reasons for sliding into an affair, leading to divorce. A High Drive spouse who knowingly marrys a low drive spouse is opening himself up for a lifetime of frustration . 

Your sex life should be smoking right now. - Get it back there, books, Doc visits, whatever it takes, make sure she truly "gets" what you NEED as a Husband & is committed to fullfilling you.


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## engaged1579 (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just laughed when I read this :iagree: I think this is very true, I have a H of a libito and I can cause an awful lot of drama for my man sometimes. And we always end it in that wonderful make up sex.
> 
> Engaged: What caused her to go from 6 times a day to not caring at all ? Hormonal birth control ? If so, This can really mess with a woman's sex drive. Is she under alot of stress at work?
> 
> ...


Thanks  This is just what I needed to hear right now. I am definitely going to fight for this. When I fly home this weekend I'm going to have a long talk with her. If she is willing to fight for us, then we have something worth saving for sure, but if she isn't willing to fight then I'm in a losing battle. 

I must say this forum is really helpful. You guys have no idea how the little bits you say can make someone feel a whole lot better. Yesterday when I was writting that post, I was in the most depressed, frustrated frame of mind. Now I'm in a fighting mindset. I'm not losing this battle. I just hope she has the same opinion.

To answer your question, she did go through a pretty bad experience with work. Things got very stressful for her and I even told her to quit her job and look for something else. I told her that I would find a way for us to live on one income till she found a job she wanted. This lasted about 6 weeks where she was looking for work. I put all the pressure on my own shoulders and tried to save her from it cause I just want her to be happy, but I guess she was pretty stressed as well. She is struggling to get settled in her new job, but things are slowly getting better. I hope that this is the cause and once things settle at work then we can go back to the way things used to be


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How old are the both of you?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Are you willing to cut her loose?
Because this is going to be far more about setting and enforcing boundaries with consequences, than it is about finding new ways to be nice or to get her in the mood.



engaged1579 said:


> I am willing to do anything for this relationship. I don't care what I have to do, I'm willing to do it. I just need to know what to say to her that will get the message across that we need to fight this together or it will mean the end for us.


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## engaged1579 (Oct 31, 2010)

We are both 26 years old. There is no way I'm letting her go without a big fight. I had a relationship before that was quite bad where she actually cheated on me and things got really messy. I was constantly worried about that relationship and had many trust issues etc. I don't feel that way at all now. I know I can trust my fiance 100% and I know she is in it for the long haul. I wouldn't have proposed otherwise


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## turmoil (Nov 2, 2010)

Engaged 1579. Please read my post. Holy crap. I too thought this was something I could push under the rug. Now I am ready to walk away. And I was the type who was a low-sex drive....because I was on birth control. Listen to Simply Amorous. She knows what she is talking about. I was EXACTLY the female in your relationship, and then woke my libido up for everyone but my husband. Now I'm a wreck and don't even want to desire him. DO NOT MARRY HER until you get this sorted out. I know you're in wedding planning mode, etc, already bought a house, but put on the brakes until it's figured out. This is a huge problem and I never thought I would care or that it would get this bad, and it does.


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