# Feeling lost and heartbroken



## Hopeless24 (Dec 11, 2020)

Not sure where to begin. Me and my husband have been together for 12 years, married for 5, we are both now 30. We have been through some hard and rocky times but have always bounced back stronger, including a brief split in our 20s and second thoughts from my husband just before we married. We have never had consistent sex life, we had been trying to conceive for a few years unsuccessfully and eventually the love life stopped, maybe once every few months-- we both still enjoyed kissing, cuddling and would always tell each other that we loved each other. He had a difficult childhood and this has affected his ability to commit including past relationships, jobs, hobbies, friendships. I suppose deep down I had realised things had declined over last few months, working opposite shifts we became more like housemates, I thought we would overcome this like we always had however my husband has said he hasn't loved me for a while. I could have come to terms with this in time, I could not hate him for this however I also found out he had been developing a relationship with another woman he has never met in person. I found this out by accident he didn't tell me himself. I feel completely lost, not only am I losing the love of my life, I face possibly having to move home, puppy (will be difficult to care for him solely due to shift patterns) and family. I never thought I would be going through a seperation/divorce especially in my 30s, how do I even begin to come to terms with things. Thanks


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hopeless24 said:


> Not sure where to begin. Me and my husband have been together for 12 years, married for 5, we are both now 30. We have been through some hard and rocky times but have always bounced back stronger, including a brief split in our 20s and second thoughts from my husband just before we married. We have never had consistent sex life, we had been trying to conceive for a few years unsuccessfully and eventually the love life stopped, maybe once every few months-- we both still enjoyed kissing, cuddling and would always tell each other that we loved each other. He had a difficult childhood and this has affected his ability to commit including past relationships, jobs, hobbies, friendships. I suppose deep down I had realised things had declined over last few months, working opposite shifts we became more like housemates, I thought we would overcome this like we always had however my husband has said he hasn't loved me for a while. I could have come to terms with this in time, I could not hate him for this however I also found out he had been developing a relationship with another woman he has never met in person. I found this out by accident he didn't tell me himself. I feel completely lost, not only am I losing the love of my life, I face possibly having to move home, puppy (will be difficult to care for him solely due to shift patterns) and family. I never thought I would be going through a seperation/divorce especially in my 30s, how do I even begin to come to terms with things. Thanks


I'm sorry that you find yourself dealing with this Hopeless24, but you came to the right place for support and an ear. Reading your post was like seeing a replay of my marriage minus the trying to start a family portion, so you definitely have my sympathy. I'm sad to say, a dead bedroom is the beginning of the end of a marriage, and it's not an easy thing to fall in love again if both people aren't completely committed to each other and go to counseling together.

Your husband sounds like my ex-husband. We were in our early 30's when we were in the same position you are in now. I'm concerned that your husband says he hasn't loved you for a while if it's an EA with a woman he's never met. That sounds like he's completely emotionally detached from you and has been planning a life without or (with or without someone else) for some time now. 

What is his attitude towards you? Is he at all remorseful? Or is he cold and distant? Either way, you need to act decisively and prioritize yourself over him now. My ex was remorseful, we went to counseling, but after a while, he stopped following the advice we were given to reconnect and reverted to old ways. Our marriage dragged on and he ended up doing it again and worse 8 years later. 

While you decide whether or not you want to try to save your marriage, I definitely recommend that you stop doing everything you usually do as his wife, he is not acting like your husband. See a therapist, separate your finances, and see a lawyer to find out your rights and get educated about the process. You can file, to show him you mean business even if you don't want a divorce. You don't have to complete the process if you two find a way back to each other. 

You want children, if you waste too much of your life on a man who's shown himself to lack integrity, and is unreliable as a mate (much less as a father!), you will waste your remaining fertile years in utter frustration. Please keep checking in, it's kind of late at the moment, but you'll have more support when more folks are active. Stay strong, and know you're not alone _hugs_


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## Hopeless24 (Dec 11, 2020)

Thank you for your kind words and advice, he said he has already accepted the relationship is over and already talked about the divorce process, he said has had months to process that within himself (fueling to feeling of deceit and hurt) , he says the other woman has not caused the breakdown as he has only been talking to her for a month (but already told her he loves her!) He does say he feels sorry and hasn't k ow how to tell me but has never really shown emotion, so right now it feels that I'm the only one who cares. I don't think I could continue the relationship as the trust we built is broken, we fell for each other quickly and hard but he had not been long out of a relationship when we started dating, I have been responsible for pretty much all of the running of the home, maybe if I hadn't been so easy going he would have had a bit more respect, I have probably overlooked things I should but naivelyI presumed love included flaws and all. I deserve better but doesn't make it any easier, I work as a nurse so have an extremely stressful job and my mother has also been suffering with mental health issues, it is all just too much at the minute.

Yes I'm from the UK and its early morning here, not slept and needed a vent!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hopeless24 said:


> Not sure where to begin. Me and my husband have been together for 12 years, married for 5, we are both now 30. We have been through some hard and rocky times but have always bounced back stronger, including a brief split in our 20s and second thoughts from my husband just before we married. We have never had consistent sex life, we had been trying to conceive for a few years unsuccessfully and eventually the love life stopped, maybe once every few months-- we both still enjoyed kissing, cuddling and would always tell each other that we loved each other. He had a difficult childhood and this has affected his ability to commit including past relationships, jobs, hobbies, friendships. I suppose deep down I had realised things had declined over last few months, working opposite shifts we became more like housemates, I thought we would overcome this like we always had however my husband has said he hasn't loved me for a while. I could have come to terms with this in time, I could not hate him for this however I also found out he had been developing a relationship with another woman he has never met in person. I found this out by accident he didn't tell me himself. I feel completely lost, not only am I losing the love of my life, I face possibly having to move home, puppy (will be difficult to care for him solely due to shift patterns) and family. I never thought I would be going through a seperation/divorce especially in my 30s, how do I even begin to come to terms with things. Thanks


My friend sometimes we have to lose our life to find it. You have to ask yourself what are you really holding onto here? It doesn't sound like your husband wants to be in this relationship, you can't have kids because he is no longer physically intimate with you and he is seeking out other women. 

Marriage doesn't have to be this way. You have settled for a long time. 

I know it hurts but you will get better and have joy again, and I suspect if you find the right man you will be thanking whatever higher power you believe in or not, for your now ex husband choosing to leave you.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hopeless24 said:


> Thank you for your kind words and advice, he said he has already accepted the relationship is over and already talked about the divorce process, he said has had months to process that within himself (fueling to feeling of deceit and hurt) , he says the other woman has not caused the breakdown as he has only been talking to her for a month (but already told her he loves her!) He does say he feels sorry and hasn't k ow how to tell me but has never really shown emotion, so right now it feels that I'm the only one who cares. I don't think I could continue the relationship as the trust we built is broken, we fell for each other quickly and hard but he had not been long out of a relationship when we started dating, I have been responsible for pretty much all of the running of the home, maybe if I hadn't been so easy going he would have had a bit more respect, I have probably overlooked things I should but naivelyI presumed love included flaws and all. I deserve better but doesn't make it any easier, I work as a nurse so have an extremely stressful job and my mother has also been suffering with mental health issues, it is all just too much at the minute.
> 
> Yes I'm from the UK and its early morning here, not slept and needed a vent!


I'm sorry, love, but it truly sounds like there's nothing to fight for and he's not worth the heartache. I know that means nothing to you right now amidst your pain, but I've been in your shoes. I did it all and was taken for granted also. You can't love someone into loving you, but I thought that was my duty as a wife. For better, or worse, right? I also thought flaws came with the territory and was willing to deal with some. 

He sounds like he has no idea who he is, and he's chasing happiness instead of manifesting it from himself. In love after a month? More like addicted. Anyway, you deserve much better than to be neglected and betrayed. I can admit now, I never trusted my ex after his first EA, but I still loved him and he begged me not to leave. At least your husband is man enough to speak up now and not waste more of your life. 

You sound like you need a break, that's a lot happening all at once, just the betrayal is enough to bring anyone low. Do you guys own or rent? If you rent, maybe you should consider moving out as soon as you can manage and leave him to fend for himself. Is there anyone you can stay with? My ex went back to his parents' when I discovered his affair, so I didn't have to be under the same roof while we sorted things out. 

Please try to keep your routine, eat what you can stand to, try to get some rest. Get a massage if you can, though I know you guys are locked down atm. Maybe order one of those full seat back massagers. My BP went sky high and I was really stressed out for weeks after DD. The last thing you need now are health issues of your own. We're here for you. 



sokillme said:


> My friend sometimes we have to lose our life to find it. You have to ask yourself what are you really holding onto here? It doesn't sound like your husband wants to be in this relationship, you can't have kids because he is no longer physically intimate with you and he is seeking out other women.
> 
> Marriage doesn't have to be this way. You have settled for a long time.
> 
> I know it hurts but you will get better and have joy again, and I suspect if you find the right man you will be thanking whatever higher power you believe in or not, for your now ex husband choosing to leave you.


I can attest that even though it seems hopeless right now, you will have a completely different outlook 6 months from now. I went for therapy for a few months to learn how to cope, and my therapist was a Godsend. He gave me the tools to help me rebuild my sense of worth, it took a huge blow and taught me how to start healing myself and looking forward to the future. 

My ex did me a huge favor, it's wonderful to feel alive again after having the life sucked out of me from a loveless, passionless marriage. You're a capable woman, you'll be ok.


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## Hopeless24 (Dec 11, 2020)

The way he has acted today just confirms that I'm better off on my own, he is trying to twist things round and invalidate my feelings, I just hope I have the strength to get through this x


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Unfortunately your H is a ways ahead of you in moving on from this "marriage". You simply need to catch up. And the fastest way is to kick him out of the house and tell him to run off to the other W. Then stop talking to him and have all future communications through your lawyers. 

In the coming months you will see that this relationship was not really working for you anyway and that there are a lot more men out there that you will be more compatible with.

Stick around and vent when you feel you need to. Things aren't hopeless. Just the opposite.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hopeless24 said:


> The way he has acted today just confirms that I'm better off on my own, he is trying to twist things round and invalidate my feelings, I just hope I have the strength to get through this x


Ugh, the whole rewrite history to abdicate responsibility for everything that went wrong onto you, eh. Just remember this man has spent a long time detaching from you, and monkey branching to someone else before leaving the familiar (you). He claims he hasnt loved you for a long time, yet he was happy to be taken care of at home. I watched my ex's face when he was acting out that same playbook, deatached, unemotional, empty. 

He dished it, but couldn't take it when it was his turn to hear some bitter truths and started crying. He's in self defense mode trying to come out looking like the good guy and victim. You're not anyone's victim, you're a loyal woman who didn't betray her husband despite neglect. You haveall the strength you need to come back bigger and better from this.


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## Hopeless24 (Dec 11, 2020)

Maybe I'm in the anger phase, let's hope he finds what he's looking for in this 20 year old seen as though love, devotion and care weren't enough, makes me feel a little sorry in that she's young and niave and no idea what she's got herself into, thank you all for the support I am thankfully leaving the home for a few days tomorrow to clear my head


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hopeless24 said:


> Maybe I'm in the anger phase, let's hope he finds what he's looking for in this 20 year old seen as though love, devotion and care weren't enough, makes me feel a little sorry in that she's young and niave and no idea what she's got herself into, thank you all for the support I am thankfully leaving the home for a few days tomorrow to clear my head


Ugh, a 20 y/o. Girl, go look at my thread. Been there, done that. She probably hero-worships him and that makes him feel like he's worth something. I felt sorry for her too (the 19 y/o my ex took up with), b/c she has no idea the life she chose. I can only imagine the lines of BS he fed her. 

You know what? She's not your problem, neither is he anymore. Kick his trifling butt to the curb and hold your head high. A little anger is good for the soul, you're coming to terms with an uneven relationship. I hope you get some peace and clarity on your trip. Don't be a stranger, we're here for support. Feel free to PM if you need to talk.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> My ex did me a huge favor, it's wonderful to feel alive again after having the life sucked out of me from a loveless, passionless marriage.


THIS...!!!!


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## raiseravens88 (Aug 2, 2020)

Sounds like he's deeply immature if he's already in love after a month. That would be enough for me to run for the hills and not look back. Of course, this is easier said than done, seeing as you invested over a decade (I know the feeling) and got married (oh those memories hurt now) but his respect for you is gone. Without that, love cannot exist. I sadly need to repeat this mantra to myself and it sucks so much. You deserve someone better. My ex actually said the same thing to me, which basically incensed me, but those are the breaks. Stay strong, you have more in you than you know.


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