# Wife's ex-boyfriends mom



## rayforte (May 20, 2014)

Been married for 20 years. Past year found baby blanket under bed and a stuffed animal given to my wife by ex-boyfriend's mom. My daughter recently graduated from high school and received a large and the second biggest money gift from the ex-boyfriend's mom. I have never met the ex-boyfriend's mom. I don't believe my daughter has ever met her either. The ex-boyfriend passed away couple years ago. My wife has been talking to the ex-boyfriend's mom more recently, but only a handful of times in the last 20 years. 

I hate to think this, but could my daughter not be mine? Is the ex-boyfriend's mom trying to make me question this? It is true that my two daughters look different, but they each look like descendants from both sides of family.

I've been flashing back to when she was born. After she was born, I went to get some food in the cafeteria at the hospital. I always remember this employee of the hospital found me, exasperated, and shoved this birth certificate in my hand and said "You sign this now!" I thought is was unusually rude at the time, and now I can't get it out of my head. A couple of years ago I found out that she did and still does work at the hospital. I wonder now if that was her.

Any thoughts appreciated, thanks.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Sorta difficult to say...

Nurses are often rushed when it comes to baby births, as is records and such.

Maybe she had a very strong relationship with the mother?

If you have any doubt whatsoever, make a plan to get you a test to see if she really is yours. 

I hope for your sake, she is. If she is not biological then what do you do from there? There will be many things to talk about and question. It will drag you down. 

Did you mention the baby blanket to her when you found it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's easy to put your mind at rest. Get a DNA test. You don't even have to tell your wife or your daughter that you are doing this.

You can get a test kit at Walgreens and other drug stores.

Before you do the test, you need to think about what you will do if you find out that she is not your bio daughter. She's definitely your daughter as you raised her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When did the exbf die?

Last year you found a baby blanket and toy from the ex's mother? How long has the blanket been around? Was it a gift from years ago? Or was it given recently?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

dna test


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I suppose now you feel like you have to do the dna test. 

Even if it is not your daughter, does it matter? The other man is dead. Has your wife ever given you reason to suspect her of anything?

If not, and if you are and have always been happily married, can you not just put this in the past?

Are you going to tell your wife the results? If they are negative, are you going to apologize? What do you think her reaction, and the consequences to you, should be?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rayforte said:


> My daughter recently graduated from high school and received a large and the second biggest money gift from the ex-boyfriend's mom.



How big was this gift?

Does the exbf's mother have any other children?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you are reading way too much into the nurse asking you to sign the birth certificate. What reason do you think she would have had to be rushing you?

Don't get what you think this could have meant.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

jld said:


> Even if it is not your daughter, does it matter? The other man is dead.


You are joking right, what kind of a question is that?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. After what you have posted, this nagging feeling isn't going to just up and walk away. 

If you need to get the DNA test, then do it and then when you get the results and we all hope that she is yours but understand, your the only Dad she knows and the last thing you would want to do is crush her since she's the innocent party.

If you come to find out that she's not your daughter then the beef you have will be with your wife and then you can deal with her the way you see fit but take into consideration that she's you daughters mother.

If she isn't your bio daughter, sooner or later this is going to come to a head. Make no mistake about it. Then someone will have some serious explaining to do. I really hope for the best and keep us posted.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rayforte said:


> Been married for 20 years. Past year found baby blanket under bed and a stuffed animal given to my wife by ex-boyfriend's mom.


After reading only this far (_first two sentences_), I was already thinking "DNA! DNA! DNA! DNA! DNA!"

And, while you're at it, you might as well DNA _both_ of your kids.


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## rayforte (May 20, 2014)

The baby blanket and stuffed animal showed up sometime after the funeral, which my wife did attend.

In my mind, I wonder if the nurse or employee was the ex-boyfriends mom.


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## rayforte (May 20, 2014)

The graduation gift was $200. From someone that our family has basically no contact with?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rayforte said:


> The baby blanket and stuffed animal showed up sometime after the funeral, which my wife did attend.
> 
> In my mind, I wonder if the nurse or employee was the ex-boyfriends mom.


Why would the ex boyfriends mom want to rush you to sign? I still do not see an ulterior motive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rayforte said:


> The graduation gift was $200. From someone that our family has basically no contact with?



If the gift had been in the thousands, it would raise more suspicions. 

Let's hope that she's just a generous gift giver. Doing things for people who were close to her son might just be her way of honoring him and/or relieving some of her pain from losing him.

I hope that this is the case.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Omar174 said:


> You are joking right, what kind of a question is that?


No, I'm not joking. He has raised this girl as his daughter for 18 years. And chances are good that she is his bio daughter. I am sure he loves her very much. I don't see why that should change.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????*DNA the kids*?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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???????????????????????????????????????????????????

Or stop asking!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jld said:


> Even if it is not your daughter, does it matter?


A hell of a lot, apparently, or you wouldn't be suggesting he rug sweep this.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

rayforte said:


> The graduation gift was $200. From someone that our family has basically no contact with?


Mere petty cash. DNA anyway.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> A hell of a lot, apparently, or you wouldn't be suggesting he rug sweep this.


I knew someone this happened to.
He was devastated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> A hell of a lot, apparently, or you wouldn't be suggesting he rug sweep this.


What would she have to gain by suggesting that he rug sweep this.

Her point is that the girl is his daughter, where he's the bio dad or not. There is an innocent young girl whose well being needs to be considered.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

What about the daughter, isn't she part of the equation? To do a DNA test, you need DNA from her as well. How is she going to feel?
If the results confirm he is the dad. Don't you think it is going to be a lot of trouble for nothing? In this case, would the daughter think that his love is conditional? Would he have rejected her if the DNA would have given a different answer?

It is bringing a lot of hurt where there might be nothing.

Unless there are more hard evidences, I would forget about it. It is not worth the trouble.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

For potential medical issues for his kids he should get them tested.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Duguesclin said:


> What about the daughter, isn't she part of the equation? To do a DNA test, you need DNA from her as well. How is she going to feel?
> If the results confirm he is the dad. Don't you think it is going to be a lot of trouble for nothing? In this case, would the daughter think that his love is conditional? Would he have rejected her if the DNA would have given a different answer?
> 
> It is bringing a lot of hurt where there might be nothing.
> ...


A test can be done without anyone by him knowing.

Hair can be used. Surely she has a hairbrush.


DNA PLUS


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> A test can be done without anyone by him knowing.
> 
> Hair can be used. Surely she has a hairbrush.
> 
> ...


Is it healthy? And what will he do if the test shows he is not the father? Stop loving the girl he raised for 18 years?


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Unless you know absolutely for sure how to react in case she is not your biological daughter, there is no reason to do the test just to "remove the doubt" or confirm the suspicion. 

Because she is your daughter. 18 yrs is her lifetime length. If you are ready to disown her, divorce your wife, God knows what, be clearly prepared. It will be irreversible. 

But this should be discussed with your wife first. It's not fair to your daughter if you decide to take an action that will hurt the girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> Is it healthy? And what will he do if the test shows he is not the father? Stop loving the girl he raised for 18 years?


:iagree:
It's not for the weak of heart it is a tough call but if you go crazy wondering well...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Duguesclin said:


> Is it healthy? And what will he do if the test shows he is not the father? Stop loving the girl he raised for 18 years?


Is what healthy? To just do the test to find out if she is his biological daughter?

Well, what he's doing right now is very unhealthy. There is no proof that the girl is not his bio daughter. Yet he's ruminating about it.

If the OP continues as he is, it will most likely ruin his relationship with his wife and his daughter. This is a ticking time bomb. 

So at least if he gets the test done he knows what is real. Reality is much easier to deal with then the crap we make up in our heads sometimes.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Is what healthy? To just do the test to find out if she is his biological daughter?
> 
> Well, what he's doing right now is very unhealthy. There is no proof that the girl is not his bio daughter. Yet he's ruminating about it.
> 
> ...


Regardless, he will destroy his relationship with his wife and daughter. I hope he understand the consequences of what he is doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Duguesclin said:


> Regardless, he will destroy his relationship with his wife and daughter. I hope he understand the consequences of what he is doing.


If the girl is his bio daughter, how will a DNA test ruin the relationships if they do not know about them?

I agree that it can cause problem if the girl is not his bio daughter. It will be all about how he handles it from there.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If the girl is his bio daughter, how will a DNA test ruin the relationships if they do not know about them?
> 
> I agree that it can cause problem if the girl is not his bio daughter. It will be all about how he handles it from there.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

OP, did your wife's ex-BF ever have any kids?

My first thought was that this poor woman, who lost her son, never got to be a grandmother - or maybe she "only" got one or two grandbabies and anticipated more, so she is reaching out to the children of her deceased son's friends and, yes, ex-GFs, as a way to carry on his legacy. The stuffed animal and baby blanket gift from the ex-BF's mom seem to support this - she was planning/hoping to welcome a(nother) grandchild and never got the chance. 

It's not the natural order of things, to have to bury one's own child, and bereft parents deal with the grief in any way they can.

That's just my take, though.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> Is it healthy? And what will he do if the test shows he is not the father? Stop loving the girl he raised for 18 years?


Ignorance is bliss, huh?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> No, I'm not joking. He has raised this girl as his daughter for 18 years. And chances are good that she is his bio daughter. I am sure he loves her very much. I don't see why that should change.





Duguesclin said:


> What about the daughter, isn't she part of the equation? To do a DNA test, you need DNA from her as well. How is she going to feel?
> If the results confirm he is the dad. Don't you think it is going to be a lot of trouble for nothing? In this case, would the daughter think that his love is conditional? Would he have rejected her if the DNA would have given a different answer?
> 
> It is bringing a lot of hurt where there might be nothing.
> ...





Duguesclin said:


> Is it healthy? And what will he do if the test shows he is not the father? Stop loving the girl he raised for 18 years?





Duguesclin said:


> Regardless, he will destroy his relationship with his wife and daughter. I hope he understand the consequences of what he is doing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one is implying that OP should abandon his daughter or love her any less in the event of negative test results. Either way, he's still entitled to know -- for certain -- that his daughter is, in fact, _his daughter_. Actually, make that *daughters*.

OP, maybe (gently) share your concerns w/ your wife first, and watch her reaction.

Also, there's this...



rayforte said:


> Past year found baby blanket under bed and a stuffed animal given to my wife by ex-boyfriend's mom.


A baby blanket. A stuffed animal. Found under the bed... As in hidden...?

Sorry, but something doesn't smell quite right here.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> No one is implying that OP should abandon his daughter or love her any less in the event of negative test results. Either way, he's still entitled to know -- for certain -- that his daughter is, in fact, _his daughter_. Actually, make that *daughters*.
> 
> OP, maybe (gently) share your concerns w/ your wife first, and watch her reaction.
> 
> ...


I agree with you, Gus. I would ask the wife point blank what the stuffed animal and baby blanket were doing hidden under the bed. I would then ask her directly if the children were mine. Her reaction should tell you most everything you need to know as I'm certain it would catch her off guard.

You can still do the DNA Test to confirm what she has told you and you'll know the truth. 

Ele got it right in that what goes on in our own head is almost always much, much worse than reality. Do what you must to make that squirrel cage stop spinning.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Dna test for sure. And yeah, it does matter. Being duped into raising a kid for 18 years thats not yours? The love for the daughter will probably not be effected much by the test if it is not his. This is an issue with his wife. This is the very reason for the "double standards" when it comes to wh*ring around.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If the girl is his bio daughter, how will a DNA test ruin the relationships if they do not know about them?
> 
> I agree that it can cause problem if the girl is not his bio daughter. It will be all about how he handles it from there.


I agree with you, if it is truly secret, then yes, it should not be an issue if he is the real dad. However, it is very hard to keep things secret. You end up sharing with someone and sooner or later it gets known.

Running little secrets in a family is never healthy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Duguesclin said:


> I agree with you, if it is truly secret, then yes, it should not be an issue if he is the real dad. However, it is very hard to keep things secret. You end up sharing with someone and sooner or later it gets known.
> 
> Running little secrets in a family is never healthy.


I understand that secrets are bad in families. In my family we have the rule of radical honesty because of this.


But the OP driving himself nuts over something that might not even be true. No matter what he does, there are possible bad outcomes.

I think that the least hurtful is if he just does a test without telling anyone. Then if the results show that he is being paranoid he is not upsetting his wife and daughter.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I understand that secrets are bad in families. In my family we have the rule of radical honesty because of this.
> 
> 
> But the OP driving himself nuts over something that might not even be true. No matter what he does, there are possible bad outcomes.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Get it over with and move on.


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