# don't know what i should do?



## jr1988 (Aug 14, 2010)

So my wife and i have been married for almost 5 months and we have had issues to the point where there is pushing and shoving involved from both sides. We have been having financial troubles, and she feels we have lost our emotional connection. Ever since she mentioned to me about the emotional connection issue i have been trying to figure out how to regain it. Apparently i haven't been able to do it yet. She has a best friend of many years who is a male and they dated at one point in time that she confides in. I understand there friendship and everything but he came out to her at the time she was looking to talk to him about everything going on with me and her about how he still liked her and had feelings for her and had said that if anything were to happen to me and her that would he have a chance to be with her again and she said even before i would consider that i need to figure out what is happening with me and my husband so i wont even touch that subject. Well she doesn't feel it was wrong of him to come out and say those things at the time he did which is while were in a vulnerable situation. So due to the financial issues we both moved back to where our families are and are working on jobs and getting a place for us right now we are separated, but we see each other on a regular basis. The guy she is best friends with lives in the same area. Now ever since everything went down they text each other 24/7 and she hangs out with him which i have no problem with because i trust her and i know she wouldn't cheat on me. So she told me that i have changed and that we still have no emotional connection and i told her i am trying everything i can do and she asked well where has it gone? she asked what happened to being able to sit around and talk forever and not know where time went? what happened to being able to look at you and say wow, what happened to being able to just sit and look at each other and smile? are those things associated with emotional connection? See she admitted to me that she formed an emotional connection with this guy after we lost ours and she told me it wasn't intentionally done it just happened because it was missing and she was looking for some kind of comfort with the whole situation? so i guess what im asking is how do i make the emotional connection come back? what should i do? should i just end it completely as much as it will break my heart is it for the better?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your wife is having an affair. It is clearly emotional and maybe even physical. Your marriage will never have a chance with the other guy in the picture. If you and your wife have hopes of saving your marriage, the OM must go--completely.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I trust my wife, too, but there's no way I'm standing for her texting some other dude 24/7. If you value something, you guard it. Intimacy is about more than just sex. She was out of line for discussing her marriage woes with this guy. If she needs emptional support, she needs to get it from you or go to a professional. Perhaps developing an emotional attachment with another man wasn't "intentional", but every text message, every meeting, every phone call required her to make a deliberate choice. Affairs always start in the mind. The only male "best friend" a married woman should have is called "husband." How does she expect to reconnect with you emotionally when she's plugged into some other guy? I personally wouldn't expend a great deal of effort hanging onto a woman who can't sustain a marriage longer than 5 months, but that's just me.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I don't really agree that she is physically cheating - some would call this an emotional affair (which she has been honest with you about). 
What she really means by an emotional connection is you courting and fussing over her in admiration. It's so hard to keep this spark going when life confronts you with work demands, family demands, friend dramas and household management. Evaluate the last few months up until the point she started the dissapearing act with the "friend"... compare the "you" in those months with the "you" when you both started dating. Do they differ? have you been distracted? has there been warning signs? have you taken ACTION in being more exciting/adoring with her rather than sitting there asking her what she needs from you? 
Now, think about her behavior. Are there things about her that have changed that perhaps turned you off a little? (reasons why you wouldn't put as much energy into the marriage?) 
The number one killer of marriage is a lack of communication & honesty. After time a lot of men start walking on egg shells to keep wifey happy as she screams for action! her screaming in turn makes you do less and less, and your egg shell walking pisses her off more and more... sound familiar maybe? Time to break the cycle. WOW her back from this pansy guy... any guy that lingers around a married woman that much has 0 morals. OK - so they are "friends" or whatever... but playing late night patty cake and taking time away from her husband really isn't cool ESPECIALLY since he knows there are problems. He is likely waiting around to swoop her up and if he loves he like you said, then I doubt their conversations are going to be supportive... more likely his "words of advice" to her are going to be poisen and painting you as the villian. 
If it were me and from a woman's standpoint... you can still turn this around but it's not going to happen by you simply coming home and telling her not to hang out with this guy. She still loves you or else she would have been out the door, so you have that advantage over this guy. Play your strengths up and write down a list of things about yourself that she has possibly expressed bother her. Take action and start nailing them out one by one - remain positive, confident and strong throughout. Plan some exciting things to do with her that you normally wouldn't - things that would grab her attention and hopefully rekindle your love affair! chances are she will start wanting to hang out with you more and more. I realize that you have financial troubles but there are plenty of things you can do to romance her that are inexpensive & will escape you both from reality. Simply be the better man and be prepared should it not work out. I believe that a mismatch doesn't mean you don't have amazing qualities... it just means that you didn't have the specific qualities she requires. 
Please start some counseling - it's the best place where you could get everything out on the table without a fight. Chances are a counselor would also make her see that her "friendship" isn't healthy for the marriage without you having to. Maybe she will feel guilt for her "easy escape" from emotional vacancy. Many many therapists have "sliding" pay scales and will work with you on the money part of it for as little as $55/session!
Keep us update! I really hope this works out - you have been more than understanding of the situation but don't get too distracted with emotional stress and forget to be the husband she "misses" or craves. She also owes it to you to work harder at this too!!!!!!!!!!


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## jr1988 (Aug 14, 2010)

thank you for the advice and i mean she told me the other day that i have become irritating she says she doesn't know if its because now shes so used to having yelling and screaming matches that she never noticed some of my quirks because now i am learning to talk about it like adults and not scream and yell and everything else that its really different for her i mean i don't know. in the beginning of our relationship she never was irritated with me or anything this all happened after we got married and financial issues arose and everything else.


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## jr1988 (Aug 14, 2010)

i mean i don't want to tell her who she can and can't be friends with ya know. i've watched her text him and tell him that she doesn't want to be with him that she is happily married even though were going through a rough spot and that all she wants is a friendship. but i think he doesn't know where the boundaries are. i also think she doesn't want to be a cold heart b**** so shes not gonna tell him she doesn't want to be friends anymore i dont know.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Like i mentioned... maybe let the counselor call a spade a spade! shes sounding a bit emotionally lazy to me. In order for you to both change old routines then you both have to be enthusiastic and hopeful. 
Ya- u r a cool hubby for allowing her the freedom... but if its starting to hurt your feelings and the other guy is crossing lines.. then I think u have a right to step in and call it uncomfortable rudeness. Are u sure she isnt playing games trying to make u jealous? which would be a cheap tactic at getting more attention out of you but possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Five months into the marriage and she is bringing another man into your life! You need more than a counselor. You need an attorney. Your wife is not committed to your marriage. She is a juvenile emotionally. She is like a teen-ager, texting her marriage away. Marriage is a two-way street. If she needs to text, she should be texting you and not another man. She needs the counseling, not you. Best of luck.


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