# The Internet



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

This might be kind of long, so bear with me and thanks for reading to the end if you get there..

I'm not sure how many of you ladies out there have the same issues I do about our husbands/significant others regarding the internet, but I'm tired of feeling like a piece of the furniture half the time.

I have the most wonderful fiance in the world. He's kind, faithful, understanding, a great provider, wonderful family man..and a great lover. That is, if I can get him off the internet!!

Mind you, he doesn't surf porn sites, doesn't gamble on sports sites, isn't interested in chatting with random females online, etc....he just plain surfs random sites on the net for HOURS upon HOURS!!

Not that he doesn't appreciate my company as I'll sit on the couch while he surfs the net and he'll have a partial conversation with me..yet not a complete one since half of him is listening to what I'm saying..and the other half is reading what he's seeing on the net!!

As many of you are probably nodding your heads in agreement right now, it's maddening!!

I've tried talking to him about this nicely helping him to understand that I don't mind if he surfs the net...just that when I'm sitting there trying to carry on a conversation with him..that he stop what he's doing and give me his undivided attention.

I've tried to explain nicely to him that although he's there in person..he's not there in mind while he claims to really really BE listening to what I have to say...but after about half an hour of rambling...trying to be upbeat and talk about positive things..I just end up frustrated...as the only thing I see is the side of his head..and his delayed responses as he continues to surf the web.

We had a bit of a blowup about it awhile back and he finally said, "Fine, I won't go on the net at all anymore!!" I told him that that was a cop out and all I wanted was for him to give up just a little bit of it....not ALL of it.

It has yet to change. He comes home from work and jumps on the net, eats in front of the net, and watches the movies we rent from a separate screen on his desk while he surfs the net..while the rest of us watch the same movie on the big screen and his back is to it as he sits at his desk...surfing the net. Before he leaves for work in the morning, he jumps on the net for an hour before he gets in the shower, eats his breakfast at his desk while surfing the net..and is on it right up until the time he has to leave.

His days off are the same. On the net until we decide to go do something. As soon as we get home, he's on it again. Eats breakfast and supper in front of the net, etc.

The kids each have their own computers but I monitor the time they spend on them since I want family time together. Me and the kids sit and eat at the kitchen table while Dad eats at his computer..surfing the net. 

I myself don't have a personal computer as it's more important for me to spend time with our family rather than surf..but the times that I have wanted to be online..even for a short time..unless my fiance is sleeping..he'll stand there and hover over the computer desk..just waiting for me to complete my task so he can get back on the net again.

Annoying isn't the word for it!!!

It gets worse!! Once the kids are in bed, I try to have a conversation with him on the other side of his desk for a bit in order to meet him halfway. I'll finally get frustrated enough to go to our bedroom and just read a book while he'll say to me, "I'll be in in just a few minutes honey.." A few hours later he's STILL surfing the net and when he finally DOES come to bed..I'm either too tired to care about any personal time with him..or too angry.

In addition, it's not that I haven't tried to get his attention in other ways. I'm not a nag and we have the sort of relationship where a little joking makes a world of difference regarding how we solve our problems...we can talk about most anything and work out our issues..except for this one. I've tried to be seductive and after the kids are in bed..changed into something sexy. I've approached him seductively, etc., yet all I get is an, "Mmmmmmm honey...you smell good.." and he goes right back to surfing the net. Many times out of frustration, I've just gone into our bedroom and turned the light off, hoping he'd notice. Sometimes he does and calls out, "I'll be right in there honey.." and again..two hours later..nothing.

UGH!!!

Has anyone dealt with anything similar to this? What did you do besides flip the voltage switch to the room where the computer is and pretend there was some kind of power outage?????!!

Any help would surely be appreciated!!


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is an addiction just like any other and for me it's a dealbreaker. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms it's either me or the computer. Pick one.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My husband hasn't done this but we do have a slight "rule" about being online. Generally when we're home together, we don't go online unless it's to look something up that's of interest to both of us or we both agree to have some (short) internet time. 

It's rare that I'm on these forums if he's home. There's few distractions with our phones or computers when we're spending time together. 

Throw the computer against the wall. Alternatively, encourage that you have "no screens" for a short period of time. I didn't realize some patterns that I was forming (nothing like your husband though!) and this is something my better half suggested to me - it was a good break - generally these things aren't a problem for us but he suggested no screens, which meant no tv, no phones, no computer games, no internet, during our evenings and it was a good way to switch things up between us.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> This is an addiction just like any other and for me it's a dealbreaker. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms it's either me or the computer. Pick one.


You know what, yep. He's choosing the computer over you and your family. This needs to stop. Pronto.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Oh, man, if this is a problem now, it's not going to go away after you get married. He sounds like he might be seriously addicted to the 'net and I think that the only thing that will get him to get away from it is the two of you sit down and prioritize your time together with "no screens", as has been mentioned already. 

I would start with meals. If you are home together, try to have your breakfast and dinners together. Try to find things outside of the apartment or house to do together so that you spend more time together and his time on the 'net is somewhat mitigated. The last thing you want is a lifetime of playing second banana to a machine. It's better than being cheated on, but still, you need more interaction than he seems willing to give. You need to sort this out before you get married or it's just going to be hell later.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

My ex husband was like that. It eventually felt like I'd have to literally dress up like a computer for him to talk to me or have anything to do with me. Which is one of the reasons why he's my ex husband.


----------



## k-ci (Jan 4, 2012)

I know EXACTLY how you feel lol
My husband does the same thing, so in return if he tries to pay attention to me and talk to me one day when he isnt on the internet I'll pretend that I'm addicted to my cell phone and text my girl friends and "half" listen to him lol 
p.s He knows I do this for revenge and we laugh about it but it gives him a hint of what it feels like, (it did help a bit)


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I soo agree with all of the above!! One night I even tried to set an example for him and no matter how much he hovered..I spent 3-4 hours surfing MY favorite websites. He got out the iPad and tried to surf as we made conversation, but I made sure to give him the delayed responses he always gave me..as I was reading what was online. Eventually he nicely went into the bedroom and turned on the tv while an hour later, I went in and said, "Oh honey, I'm sorry..I meant to come in here earlier..I just got sidetracked.." His reply, "Well, you seemed busy so I just came in here..was hoping you'd join me a little sooner.."

hehehehe!!

It made a point but hasn't changed anything..and you're all correct when you say it's an addiction along with a definate deal breaker.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

How about emailing him the link to this thread? Maybe he needs a big wake-up call.


----------



## k-ci (Jan 4, 2012)

hilarious!! Good for you! lol But if it didnt help the situation than either do it more and more until he gets mad (which would be a perfect opportunity to tell him "i told you so!") or you could be a mature person and sit face to face and discuss it. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.


----------



## lady1 (Jan 31, 2012)

I have the same problem with my husband. Most days he spends every waking hour home on the computer. Usually just google-drifting, but even if our internet is 'out' (I may have turned it off a few times, when I got really frustrated) he will do who-knows-what on the computer. The thing that seems to work for me, is getting us out of the house. If we are out doing something (even just a walk around the block), we can hold a normal conversation and enjoy each others company.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've changed my answer on this. I don't think you can fix a problem that you don't understand. Many times addictions have a source, a problem that drives them to escape their lives. Therefore the addiction is just the symptom of another likely hidden problem.

If this were me I'd sit back and observe. I'd try to get to the source of what he's trying to escape from and address THAT not the internet problem.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

so as you ladies post away on thie internet i cant help but laugh. 

i know you all realize that this is not a gender specific problem. my wife will spend hours at a time on the web, and i spend quite a bit on also.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> so as you ladies post away on thie internet i cant help but laugh.


Point taken and I for one am aware of this. I make sure to walk away from the computer when my husband is home (making an exception if he's busy doing other things). I treat him the way I want to be treated and I'd be upset if all he did was surf the internet instead of spending time with me and our kids.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> so as you ladies post away on thie internet i cant help but laugh.
> 
> i know you all realize that this is not a gender specific problem. my wife will spend hours at a time on the web, and i spend quite a bit on also.


Well, for me, the difference is I never neglected him or my children because of being glued to the computer.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It use to bother my husband that I'm on the Internet all the time. I'm physically disabled from a neck injury, so I rest most the day. When I'm resting, I'm on my iPod touch either playing games, reading articles, on message boards like this one, watching YouTube, ect.. It use to drive him crazy!

In the last few years, I've been putting the iPod down most nights. I do not use it at all when we are together cuddling. I'll go on sometimes right before bed, but I do not watch very much television. I have nothing else to do, this is my main source of entrainment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Itsacommitment (Jan 30, 2012)

He's obviously spending a LOT of time on the internet. Which may be annoying, but isnt really the problem here. The problem is that he ISNT spending enough quality time with you and your needs arent being met. He could be reading books, playing video games, hanging out with friends or the combination of all three and you'd still have this problem. The activity he is doing is less important than what he's NOT doing for you. 

I say this because a sure way to make sure your spouse DOESNT hear you, is to nag them about something they are doing. If you try to tell him he's spending to much time online he will just think you're being controlling and tune you out. This is human nature. 

What I notice in your post is that you are using a lot of passive aggressive ways to get him to spend time with you. Going in the bed room and turning out the light "hoping he will notice" is not clear communication. It is unfair for you to expect him to understand what you're trying to communicate, if you aren't actually communicating. 

My advice is to take him out to dinner, and at dinner explain to him that you feel the two of you are lacking in quality time together. Dont even bring up the internet at this point. If you start saying YOU YOU YOU, it will turn him off. Be kind, loving and explain that you'd like to set up a few dates to spend specific quality time with him. Go for a walk together, try something new and kinky, read a book aloud to each other etc... 
By making it a positive thing and not a "you're doing something wrong" thing, you're likely to get a better response and actual progress. 

Best of luck


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Thus I sit back and wait...

He will never be neglected as the cobwebs grow old around him...as I'll be sure to sweep them off. I'll be the one to throw the blanket over his shoulders when he's cold...brush the flies off him when it's warm..and feed him from some kinda tube (lol) while he surfs....

When you guys stop laughing...let me know...this is my world..gotta find SOME humor in it...hee hee!!!


----------

