# Feeling invisible



## SLStark (Oct 26, 2010)

I am a mom of two girls and have been dating my current partner for 5 years and living together for 2.

I am soon divorced from my daughter's father and he is re-marrying. I ended that relationship.

My current partner and I were a dream couple for the first 3 years. We were friends to start with then decided to start dating. We talked all the time, spent a lot of time together, worked on projects together with lots of laughs and creativity. Our sex life was amazing. He loves my girls and they love him. Then I made the decision for us to really move forward and he moved in with us. That was two years ago. 

He has been promoted in his work and will be taking over the company in the next 4 years and is really focused on this. A great opportunity for him.

I am feeling, unattractive to him, or invisible would be more the case. I am a bit vain when it comes to my looks and I take really good care of myself. I am also very independent and do not need a man to make myself feel good.

He says he loves me, he says he is attracted to me, but I don't feel it. He comes home from work at 6pm and we sit and eat supper, then he goes out to his hobbies for an hour or so (which I don't have a problem with) then the girls are put to bed, and then we will sit and watch t.v....well I sit and watch a bit of t.v. and he snores next to me. We don't talk like we used to, and sometimes when I try to initiate a conversation I get one word answers...pulling teeth sometimes. I realize he is tired and has a lot on his plate with work, but I have been telling him that it is about balance. I am extremely attracted to him and feels lots of passion towards him, but if I initiate intimacy and he doesn't react the way I want him to, I shut down (for days) I tell him what I want in a relationship, I want passion, love, secure feeling, fun and laughing...and I am not feeling any of those things...he will say "I will change and make sure you are feeling these things" and I wait...and nothing changes. Sometimes I just feel like he just wants the house, the meals on the table, his hobbies, sex and in that order. I wrote him a letter today saying that I was feeling these things, and that I want more in our relationship, but I don't think it will change. I also don't want another break up for my girls. I believed that if I wasn't happy in my relationship that my girls would not have a good life. Now I am confused...so I stay in this relationship for the sake of my girls? I am leaning towards yes. If I have no expectation of him, then I won't be disappointed, just exist and then when the girls are ready to start their own life...I will start mine? I just feel so broken hearted right now and just want him to love me how I want to be loved.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

When we are feeling low in the sex/romance/fun department, we shake things up. It could be either of us who initiates this kind of thing. Show up at work one evening when you know he is not to work late. Preferably a Friday. Dress up all beautiful and hot and take him to dinner at HIS favorite restaurant.

Or maybe 2 tickets to his favorite venue; sporting event, show, concert.

Or ... he wants a meal does he?? How about he comes home to a french maid? Or German bar maid? 

Buy a ping pong table!

Want fun? Have fun! Be fun! Maybe he will follow. If he doesn't, you can make fun of him.


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## SLStark (Oct 26, 2010)

ha...you made me giggle. But at the same time...maybe you hit something there...

"Be Fun"

There have been a lot of stressors on us for the last year (outside of our relationship) I am sad/angry a lot. 

Well...maybe it might just be as simple as "Be fun"

Thanks for that open window
I will see if that works

s.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Giggles are good! Therapeutic even! Be fun and have fun were the top pieces of advice from our pre-cana marriage classes. Derned good advice. And it doesn't cost a nickle. We go for walks in the woods with a lantern...

I wish you the best of luck!

S


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get this book, and give him one of the invitations:
Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books: Reviews, Prices & more


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## SLStark (Oct 26, 2010)

Well last night was a busy one. The girls had brownies and guides and we dropped them off and then headed out to do our shopping, we ended up sitting in the car in the rain talking about my feelings, and all the stresses in our lives and how we really have it good and have to focus on the good things. Then we came home put the girls to bed and cuddled on the couch. TMI warning...then we had fantastic sex and went to sleep in each other's arms.

Today...I feel the same as I did yesterday morning. Our problem is not the sex...it is always great...and I really feel lonely again. 

Like I said before, I am independent, love being alone, but I guess I am feeling a disconnect from him. He is so busy with work, and yet he takes time for brownies, guides and home things...

argh...it is obviously something going on with me...I can't imagine what he can do more to make me feel right. I think once we started living together we fell into a rut of a couple and the friendship and closeness disappeared. I want to be his friend again, not his ball and chain and that is how I feel.

We never talk about getting married and last night he said he wanted to marry me, but it is not something he thinks about all the time. I have been married twice now and have no real desire to be married...the paper doesn't really mean that much to me, but at the same time I feel like we *should* be married. *messed up I know*

Anyway...thanks for the pointers...the more I write the more I feel it is something within me I have to figure out.

s


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's recommended that a couple spend 15 hours a week together on non-work things. You still have to have fun as a couple to stay connected. Focus on that.


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## SLStark (Oct 26, 2010)

wow interesting... we only spend about 9 hours/week together and that is a combo of work and non work. So maybe 4 or 5 hours of non work related interaction... 

How to make more hours in the day.

update...feeling better...had another great evening together, and he made a few daily phone calls to see how I was doing and that he was thinking of me...

Thanks for the support...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'd be surprised how you can make the time, if you just look for it. Take a shower together instead of waiting for each other. Go with him when he gets his oil changed, and have a cup of coffee together while you're waiting. Take the dog for a walk together. Read pages of a book to each other. Set up a jigsaw puzzle, and work on it for 15 minutes each night before you go to bed; invite the kids - it's good for their brain development. Get ingredients for a meal and ask him to help you make it. Be creative!


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi you have something to go on if he is still wanting sex, like the other person said spice things up , my guy is all of those things you say , without the job and the house , and doesn't want sex at all so me trying to spice things up is a complete waste of time as he isn't interested. , after 3 years things do sometimes slow up , unfortunatley, is can't be fantastic for ever, but we do deserve something to look forward to in our relationships.


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