# His ring and renewal of vows...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

He had his wedding band on when he had his ONS. Since d-day neither of us have taken our rings off. But, it bothers me even looking at his ring. I think about it on his finger while he was with that ****. I have told him I want him to get a new ring. I was thinking it needed to be put on during a renewal of our vows, but I'm having issues with even that... 

Basically, he told me he wanted to renew our vows back when he was trickle truthing me and still hadn't come completely clean yet. (There's still lots of doubt there I still don't know everything...) So, I no longer find much comfort in a renewal of the vows. I don't think I can take his renewal seriously. Sad, uh?

Regardless, it's becoming harder and harder to look at his ring. I think we're far away from renewing vows. I think he'd do it now, but I'm not at a place I can say I'd believe his words. 

I'm wondering if I should just make him go ahead and get a new ring now? I feel like it needs to be blessed or something. Does that sound weird? I dunno. We don't belong to a church or anything. Or have it engraved with something like Forever faithful and honest. Am I being crazy? I wonder if he'd get mad if I told him I wanted it engraved with something like that. 

Thoughts?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A ring is not going to make you feel better.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I'm wondering if I should just make him go ahead and get a new ring now? I feel like it needs to be blessed or something. Does that sound weird? I dunno. We don't belong to a church or anything. Or have it engraved with something like Forever faithful and honest. Am I being crazy? I wonder if he'd get mad if I told him I wanted it engraved with something like that.


Why not, if it helps you. The engraving sounds a bit to much since he has proved he is capable of cheating while wearing a wedding ring. 

While he is at it get him to buy you a huge diamond ring and gift it to you. The flashy ring can remind him of the monetary price of his deception and will be a constant reminder to him.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

If you aren't ready then don't renew vows and don't get another ring. Vows and rings don't mean anything unless the committment and trust are there. Wait until it truly feels right to you. It doesn't matter how long that takes. You both need to heal first.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Why not, if it helps you. The engraving sounds a bit to much since he has proved he is capable of cheating while wearing a wedding ring.


Wow. Yep, you're right. What does it even matter? Rings mean nothing.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hurtingbadly,
I think you are wise to consider how you feel about all this vow renewal / new ring stuff. Under _your_ circumstances that you've described, it smacks too much of mutual tattoos. We all know where that leads. Engraving the ring with 'forever' is not going to make it so, nor is some type of religious blessing.

Have you considered making him take the ring off until you are ready to give him a new one, in due time? The truth is, he is just as married whether he wears a ring or not, and you have to trust him just as much regardless. He can just tell people he's getting it resized or that you are getting a new one soon or whatever. It seems that the ring is a major trigger for you and preventing progress (if progress is justified).


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

cantmove said:


> If you aren't ready then don't renew vows and don't get another ring. Vows and rings don't mean anything unless the committment and trust are there. Wait until it truly feels right to you. It doesn't matter how long that takes. You both need to heal first.


I'm not sure I'll ever completely trust him or believe I have been given the full truth.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I hate his ring. I can't believe he wore it while having sex with a stranger. Yet, I'm afraid for him to go without one. Truth is, I have weighed staying versus leaving and neither look too good. I'm trying to come to a place I can live. The ring and vows are something I feel I need, but sadly I can't trust either. 

He brought me flowers yesterday, we went Easter basket shopping for our kids, he kept trying to hold my hand. I dunno, maybe I need to try to make the best of what I've been given.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Yet, I'm afraid for him to go without one.


why?
having one on did no good.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Basically, he told me he wanted to renew our vows back when he was trickle truthing me and still hadn't come completely clean yet. (There's still lots of doubt there I still don't know everything...) So, I no longer find much comfort in a renewal of the vows. I don't think I can take his renewal seriously. Sad, uh?


i wouldnt either, not at this time or as long as you even slightly feel this way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> maybe I need to try to make the best of what I've been given.


You mean settle?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> why?
> having one on did no good.


True. Why would I feel it would hold him accountable when it didn't before? I guess cause in my mind it would mean it is really over. I dunno...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> You mean settle?


Totally mean settle. I'm gonna be miserable either way. I'm in no position financially or emotionally to be on my own with our kids right now. I can let him try, but I feel I'm cursed for life with doubt. Sad way to live.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Totally mean settle. I'm gonna be miserable either way.


if so, then why be miserable in a way youre not going to be able to pull out of?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> if so, then why be miserable in a way youre not going to be able to pull out of?


How do you not feel miserable, though?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> How do you not feel miserable, though?


"in a way youre not going to pull out of"

if thats the ONLY reason youre going to stay is because youre settling and you feel youre going to be miserable any ways, then leaving, at least you will have a chance to pull out of your feeling miserable and make a happier life for yourself.

im not advocating leaving a marriage...if there is a chance to fix things.

if there is no chance...im not advocating staying.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> I hate his ring. I can't believe he wore it while having sex with a stranger. Yet, I'm afraid for him to go without one. Truth is, I have weighed staying versus leaving and neither look too good. I'm trying to come to a place I can live. The ring and vows are something I feel I need, but sadly I can't trust either.
> 
> He brought me flowers yesterday, we went Easter basket shopping for our kids, he kept trying to hold my hand. I dunno, maybe I need to try to make the best of what I've been given.




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Jeez! , this sounds familiar. My H has a huge diamond wedding ring. I bought it for him. She could not have failed to notice it, over and over again. You can see the damn thing from space! It made no difference to either of them, in fact I think it made him more attractive to her; some other woman's man and all; the usual bit*h MO. You would think that he would have the decency to take the freaken thing off while he boinked someone else, but A s aren't about decency. I made him take it off for a while, because I couldn't stand to look at it, but it doesn't matter now. It isn't the ring that makes a marriage and that was what he disrespected( two marriages actually).He want's to renew vows too, but I'm not into that. I have to be sure that I didn't make a mistake marrying him the first time before I even think about marrying him again. He forgot the ring, and his watch one day and called from work to make sure he had left them safely at home. I remember telling him that I could see why he was concerned about the watch, it was actually useful, but that he had demonstrated how useless and meaningless that ring was to him. It was pretty hard for me to be kind when this first happened. I'm still not that sweet, but I'm better


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> He had his wedding band on when he had his ONS. Since d-day neither of us have taken our rings off. But, it bothers me even looking at his ring. I think about it on his finger while he was with that ****. I have told him I want him to get a new ring. I was thinking it needed to be put on during a renewal of our vows, but I'm having issues with even that...
> 
> Basically, he told me he wanted to renew our vows back when he was trickle truthing me and still hadn't come completely clean yet. (There's still lots of doubt there I still don't know everything...) So, I no longer find much comfort in a renewal of the vows. I don't think I can take his renewal seriously. Sad, uh?
> 
> ...


Oh how I know what you mean. As soon as I found out that H had an A (while deployed no less!!!) while wearing his ring---even a chance of R and that damn thing had to go. He sold it to a gold buying place (what a shame, it had 3 diamonds to symbolize our 3 boys).... and immediately bought a new one. That was only one step. We are now 4 months into R, some days are worse than others, but we are moving forward. Somedays we take 3 steps back as I have triggers. I did get a new ring as well....that was the plan all along because we are celebrating 15 yr anniversary. UGH. 
I cannot say that it is easy and I am not sure how far into R you are. The first month I was in shock. As soon as it wore off, everything came creeping up on me. I could not remember conversations we had. I think my shock was a protective mechanism- he is still alive after all. How he survived is a miracle in itself. 
Good luck to you, hang in there.... no matter what you decide is best for you, you will come through it with grace and dignity.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Just to update...
I told him how I felt about his ring.
He said he had an emotional attachment to it. 
I told him it really bothered me, though. 
It then went badly. 
I went for a run and when I came back he was gone along with a suitcase.
Later that night he came back and he still had the ring on his finger. And it's still on... :scratchhead:


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Ask him to wear it as a necklace, so you dont see it so much.


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