# Intimacy



## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

I am a woman with an extremely high sex drive. If my husband let me, we would have sex everyday sometimes twice a day. Now I understand, especially with four kids that that is not going to happen nor would it be right for me to expect it. With that said though is more than once every one to two weeks to much to ask for? Mainly we have sex only because he can't physically comfortably go longer without it and if I do try to have sec in between he either gets mad at me or holds it against me. Recently he told me he wouldn't ever turn down bj but while he doesn't turn it down he does hold it against me. He says all I want is sex, even when I'm not getting anything in return physically, I enjoy just pleasing him and making him feel good in that sense. I am at the point and have been for awhile now that I am scared to turn him down even if I don't want to (which happens every now and again) because he gets mad at me and then holds a grudge until I try to initiate something. Which is fine I can understand not wanting to at times, but it all seems to be on his schedule or none at all. 

I've tried to explain to him before that it's not just wanting sex all the time our being addicted because if it was them I would go get it when ever I want. Even though I'm not exactly happy with my body image after for kids, I do know that I could go out and get almost any guy I want to fulfill that want. But I don't want just anyone, I want him and only him. I desire him with all that's in me, just setting him and being with him it's a turn on four me. Most people say you go through a honeymoon phase were it's like that for a while. After four years of marriage I still have that burning longing for my husband and I can't control the way I feel for him or how he makes me feel. 

We recently talked about it which is surprising it didn't turn into a fight cuz this it's the only thing we actually fight about. And I have been trying to just suppress these feeling and ignore the fire. And the other night I was trying to do just that and he starts playing and I asked him what he was doing (because he can play and just play it's not foreplay) and I didn't want to get excited and it not lead anywhere else. He told me that he didn't want me to get mad at him. (Everything is either mad or happy with him, if I'm sad, depressed, our just a lil upset then I'm mad at least when it comes to him.) That right there was an immediate turn off. Did I turn him down, no.but could I enjoy it, no. I don't want to be an obligation, or just a way to release tension or pressure. I would like him to want me like I want him. I've tried so many different things to make an intimate spark of interest and right now I'm trying to better my body not just for him but for me too. But he tells me I don't need to and he lives me just the way I am which I do believe. On top of all that I catch him jerking off to girl in girl porno when he knows that I won't have any problem doing it for him in any way he wants. If he really wanted or needed to get off then why not come to me instead. That's what got me on improving my self. And no I can't try letting him watch me and another girl he says that is a form of cheating. And sexy garments he says are useless because they are just going to end up on the floor. So I tried just being naked in bed and that didn't improve anything either butt naked wresting on top of him butt naked does improve my chances either. 

So my question is: what is wrong with me? I am twenty four with four kids 5 and under, I weigh 150 give our take with much if it lean muscle except around my stomach (for good reason all my kids were c section the last being 6 months ago), I'm not the hottest person on the planet but I'm not anywhere near being the ugliest, most people I meet say I have a wonderful personality, what gives?

And as far as my hubby goes he is thin but muscular. You can easily see his muscles and had low body fat percent and doesn't even have to try. He is confident in his abilities mentally and physically. He doesn't believe he is very good looking at least face wise tho I don't know why. And believe me he knows how much I love him and that at least to me he is the best looking guy on the face of the planet. 

Any advice or suggestions are very welcome.
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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

From what you've posted it doesn't make sense and to answer your question it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you. 

Let's start here: Has it always been like this? 

And how do you have enough energy for a sex drive with 4 kids under 5???? We have 2 kids that are 5 & 6 and they wear us out - and it is improving as they mature.


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## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

That's one thing tho I could think I have nothing let to give energy wise and sometimes just looking at him sends a whirlwind of energy thru me like I could run a marathon. 
And it wasnt always like this for a little over a year after we got married we literally had sex everyday. Sometimes twice.
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## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

We moved to a lil bit after our first anniversary we got a place in a gated community but very far away from everything else besides inside the community. It started after we moved I thought it was because of the move. I tried to be patient with every turn down and excuse I got, but it never got better then we started fighting about it cause even on his days off he didn't wasn't to. I left him alone the night before he had to go back to the night after he got off which only really gave me one day to try sometimes two if there were holidays. And if I got turned down them I could only hope for him to get a wild hair up his butt and hope it would be a good hair not a bad one that made him Moody and touchy usually cause by work.
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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

no signs of him cheating???


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## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

No I'm sure he hadn't even tho at first I thought that's what it could be
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## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

He says either he has a headache or he is tired. Which my m man loves his sleep. Apparently more so than sex.
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## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

I am currently reading the five love languages to see if maybe I'm doing something wrong communication wise.
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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He watches porn and jerks off to porn? That is very insulting.

He sounds lazy, he doesn't seem to care about your needs nor your relationship connection, seems wayyy to comfortable, in that he can treat you badly and you will still be there.

I think he has a porn problem, porn is an issue in many relationships. He needs to stop with the porn right away.

I'm afraid that unless you take a hard stand about this and make him realise that he is hurting you and killing your marriage and connection AND that he will end up losing you, that it will continue.

You deserve better and you deserve to feel desired and loved and cherished.

I hope you can do what needs to be done. I would start with counselling for you and then together, if he refuses to go then I'd give an ultimatum and then absolutely follow through. 

Good luck.


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## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

He brags about how lazy he is and if he really wanted to watch porn then we could together I'm not shy about that anymore. But I also wondered if I were to tell him no for a couple of times if he would see that it's not the same and that it hurts emotionally to be turned down so often. It would take allot of will power but idk I think I could do it. And maybe he is just tired, he is military so on top of working twelve hit shifts he has to do an hour st least of pt. But that's why I try not to bother him on days he works. And I know I'm defending him but I really want this to be something we can work on and fix.

Someone even told me his testosterone levels might be low. I want to try every possible thing before it comes. to an ultimatum.
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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

Sounds like the porn is draining his "drive" for the real thing. I assume he is watching it on the computer? If so, there is software that will block such things as long as you set up the administrator functions with a password that only you know. He will probably throw a fit but tell him if he wants to get off, he has to cum to you first from now on


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## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

He watches it in his phone or tablet. Can I block it there too? I will try that if I can block his phone and tablet. And then tell him no a couple of times cause he knows I can't do anything to get off without him. Nothing. And I think I will try to figure out what love language he does have I have already figured mine out. And why I think I want it more is because in that timeframe I do have his undivided attention. We use to lay with each in bed and talk for am hour or two even and not even realize it, and I loved every minute of it. It's a good read so far. Maybe just maybe I could get him to read it.
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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

It sounds like you're more attracted to him than him to you. You need to communicate to him that you're unhappy with the situation, but I think your effort to get him in bed sends the opposite signal.

There's got to be other people that can give better advice on this than me because I love it when my wife is all over me, so I can't relate to your husband.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

loveofmylife said:


> Mainly we have sex only because he can't physically comfortably go longer without it and if I do try to have sec in between he either gets mad at me or holds it against me. Recently he told me he wouldn't ever turn down bj but while he doesn't turn it down he does hold it against me. He says all I want is sex, even when I'm not getting anything in return physically, I enjoy just pleasing him and making him feel good in that sense. I am at the point and have been for awhile now that I am scared to turn him down even if I don't want to (which happens every now and again) because he gets mad at me and then holds a grudge until I try to initiate something.


So he holds it against you if you have sex, don't have sex, and give him a bj?

No matter the outcome, he gets mad at you?

My opinion is that it sounds like the porn is weighing on his mind to much. He likely looks down on the women in the porn as being just '****ty' and then transfers that thought to you since you are the one in the relationship who is initiating. Therefore, he likely looks down on you for being in the mood.

Frankly, I'd stop the bj's flat out, and I'd likely stop sex period. If he can't go more than 2 weeks without comfortably, I'd tell him he better get ready to get real uncomfortable.

He sounds very uncompromising and disrespectful to you.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

loveofmylife said:


> I am a woman with an extremely high sex drive. If my husband let me, we would have sex everyday sometimes twice a day. Now I understand, especially with four kids that that is not going to happen nor would it be right for me to expect it. With that said though is more than once every one to two weeks to much to ask for? Mainly we have sex only because he can't physically comfortably go longer without it and if I do try to have sec in between he either gets mad at me or holds it against me. Recently he told me he wouldn't ever turn down bj but while he doesn't turn it down he does hold it against me. He says all I want is sex, even when I'm not getting anything in return physically, I enjoy just pleasing him and making him feel good in that sense. I am at the point and have been for awhile now that I am scared to turn him down even if I don't want to (which happens every now and again) because he gets mad at me and then holds a grudge until I try to initiate something. Which is fine I can understand not wanting to at times, but it all seems to be on his schedule or none at all.
> 
> I've tried to explain to him before that it's not just wanting sex all the time our being addicted because if it was them I would go get it when ever I want. Even though I'm not exactly happy with my body image after for kids, I do know that I could go out and get almost any guy I want to fulfill that want. But I don't want just anyone, I want him and only him. I desire him with all that's in me, just setting him and being with him it's a turn on four me. Most people say you go through a honeymoon phase were it's like that for a while. After four years of marriage I still have that burning longing for my husband and I can't control the way I feel for him or how he makes me feel.
> 
> ...


How could a man be this lucky and not see it. I wish my wife was more like you. However, she is more like you're husband.


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## loveofmylife (Jul 10, 2012)

His answer to the porn thing is that sometimes a guy just wants to jerk off... is that really true? Do guys want to just jerk off on there own sometimes? Or is it just an excuse to allow them to look at another woman?
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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

loveofmylife said:


> His answer to the porn thing is that sometimes a guy just wants to jerk off... is that really true? Do guys want to just jerk off on there own sometimes? Or is it just an excuse to allow them to look at another woman?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.

I think it's the same as a sex toy, sometimes you just want a different feeling. Only in this case, the toy is your hand.

As for integrating porn into the equation, some men are more visual, and prefer visual stimulation than trying to conjure up some mental picture in their heads. 

So yes, some men just prefer to jerk off to porn as you put it.

That should be the exception though, not the rule, and he should be after you for his sexual release 95% of the time.


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