# Space.....what the fu.........



## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

This space thing is getting to be b.s. Someone mentioned to me earlier that he thought it was a bunch of crap and that is exactly what it is. There are to many reasons to need space and to put someone through the mental anguish of space is flat out cruel. My wife is doing this to me right now and little does she know she is physically and mentally draining me and that is almost enough reason to give up. Not sure how much more i can take. I have leveled way out to the point that i can think clearly about the situation now and i love her so much but people that love each other dont do this to each other. I am the father of our perfect son and i feel used and abused by her. I am so over it right now.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How long has she been given space? And is that no contact? Is there another man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

Well she wants space from me. Its been 2 months now but i see her everyday but wed. She picks our son up in the evenings so i have no choice but to see her. Right now i kinda wish i didnt have to see her. I love her so much but i am caving in really quick. There is no sense in all this. Either it is or it isnt. Just say so and stop dragging my heart around behind the car i pay for.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

I kinda like living here by myself though.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Is there another man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

No other man so she says. I do beleive her. It will never leave the back of mind though.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

If there is another man just wait til she gets the rude awakening of how that guy treats her. I have always treated her very well. Except i failed to relize her other needs and wants. I tried to show her my love in the wrong ways.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Doesn't matter how you treated her. You are the bad guy now. 

Few people need space or think about leaving without a major event causing it. So in the absence of an event in your m, look to the other man theory. And of course she is going to lie.

What kind of recon have you done?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

NON. IF YOU REALLY KNEW HER LIKE I DO YOU WOULD PROBABLY BELEIVE HER TO. (with my guard still up) SHE HANGS WITH HER MOM ALOT AND FRIENDS THAT I KNOW VERY WELL ALSO. I KNOW THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT IT IS NOT POSSIBLE BUT I STILL THINK SHE HAS JUST WEIRDED OUT ABOUT HERSELF AND OUR RELATIOSHIP. SHE IS A GOOD WOMAN JUST HAVING SOME ISSUES. I THINK SHE MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH A MID LIFE CRISIS.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I hear Mongolia or Wyoming have lots of space.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh boy! Mid life crisis's can put you through the ringer! Hang on for dear life. What does she feel she missed in her early years? Any idea what she is looking, for. I have not read any of your other threads, what have you failed to give her over the years she has wanted or needed from you? 

Your love languages way off and this now is coming to a head?

I agree with you, the space thing would get real old ,real quick. 

You and her need to sit down and figure out what you both want in your life, in your marriage, what things are now deal breakers, what you have left to work on and make a decent life with.

Too much hanging out with family, even friends can be a DRAIN on marraiges. Her mother should be pushing for her to get things straighened out in the marriage unless you have been "not so kind" to her daughter in the past. Is your Mother in Law sympathetic to you or an enemy?


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

i have always been pretty much exactly what her family has wanted me to be to her. take care of her our son and try to make it where she dont have any worries. so much for that. her dad told me when this happened he thought it would be me that left her. yeah she now knows that now. oh oh. now her dad is mad at me. but whtever. not concerned with him right now. hw will get over it. not sure why he said that though.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

When I was told by her "I just need space" everyone on here told me she had another...of course I was in total disbelief and denial thinking no way!! my wife??...well guess what..she did..and one year later they are living together...I am finally going to court to get settle the custody of my daughters straightened out 50/50 unless she wants to give me more, it doesn't ease my daily heart ache/stomach problem combination..it really sucks when you don't think it remotely impossible there is another only to find out her saying "No" was a big lie.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

beleive me. it is in the back off my head. i really think she is dealing with personal issues that dont have to much to do with the sex or other guy part of it. i think she is just unhappy about her life in general and i am taking the brunt of it. i know by all means i am not perfect and had something to do with the unhappiness but she got issues.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Stay calm. Particularly when you are interacting with her. 

She needs to make clear what her expectations of 'space' are to you.

'I need space' almost universally equals ... I've had enough of you and I am with, or looking for your replacement.

You do need to be aware of that perspective as this crawls on. She has made her need known to you.

What are your needs? If you don't know, you need to think about them. Define them. Clearly. And then you need to convey them to her.

If your modus operandi right now is simply 'I'm waiting for you to decide what you want' ... you are in for a long, hard, slog.

That isn't acceptable, for either of you.

Is she in therapy? Are you in therapy?


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

she wants to just see how all this plays out. and the way she is approaching it is not the way either one of us is going to want it to play out is my fear. she should of thought about space before we waited three years to get married, she should have thought about space before we had our son, she should have thought about space before we bought our house.............i really thought we had done things the right way and apperently not. whatever.........i feel like i am fighting a losing battle right now. SPACE....... THEN FLY YOUR HAPPY ASS TO THE MOON.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

On the space shuttle i have helped this country build...........


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I'm sorry you are struggling today, Rich.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Rich~

No one knows Space better than yours truly. 

Two years of limbo/hell/cruelty/tears/sleepless nights but my journey into Space is starting to turn around and head back to Earth. 

I hear that there are human beings living on Earth. 

I also heard that some of them actually have feelings.

Shuttle can get there fast enough.

Roger, out !!

Take Care of Yourself my Friend ~

Very Hurt


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The tagline for the first "Alien" movie was 'In space, no one can hear you scream'.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

sorry all just having a rough day. very stable just up and down about what to do. just want the chaos to end. i have control of that though. but is it worth it. WHAT DO I DO? i have to atleast hang in there for my son. he deserves a mom and a dad. not a mom and a dad and a mom and a dad. G.D. SHE PISS'S ME OFF.
she hasnt even done anything today. havent seen her spoke to her nothing. just starting to get very resentful.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are completely in REACTIVE mode. She is dictating the ebb and flow of your relationship, and your life ... and that isn't good for you. You need to become PROACTIVE in terms of how you choose to respond and deal with these circumstances.

Honestly, for all of the hooplah and consternation that the term 'Man Up' causes around here, there is one single benefit that is undeniably important, when you start down that road; self-responsibility. Recognizing and acknowledging that YOU are responsible for your feelings ... not her. You have control over what influence and impact you allow her action, or inaction to have on you. And at this point, you should be taking that back. All of it. Putting your emotional well-being into the safe-keeping of your wife at this point in time is reckless. It will tear you apart. Whereas the moment you take responsibility for how you feel and respond ... it makes many, many things possible. Do not make someone else responsible for your emotional well-being, particularly not an emotionally detached, or emotionally reckless partner or spouse.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

thanks deejo.....very inspiring.........i am just really struggling with should i? or shouldnt i right now. i am actually alot more in control of my emotions than you may think....just on the edge.
beleive me when i tell you that im stable right now. i am really stable. just dont want to let go. or do i? see what i mean?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"I need space".

From a man, it means they feel crowded and want time alone.

From a woman, it means that they've met someone.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Rich,
Clearly this is a bad situation. Would you like some very specific tactics that will change this dynamic? And just to be clear the dynamic is:
- She has an open ended timeframe to evaluate her options (not saying she is cheating, but I do believe that when she meets other men in the course of her day she is considering them in relation to you).
- She has little to no anxiety about her "fallback plan" otherwise known as "plan b", which is to come back to you if nothing else materializes. 

Of course you are slowly losing your mind - which is completely normal in this type situation. 

There are very specific tactics which can shift this dynamic. And they are NOT ultimatums or legal steps. 




rich 1227 said:


> thanks deejo.....very inspiring.........i am just really struggling with should i? or shouldnt i right now. i am actually alot more in control of my emotions than you may think....just on the edge.
> beleive me when i tell you that im stable right now. i am really stable. just dont want to let go. or do i? see what i mean?


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

i have actually began to give her this time and space she so badly needs. from my own personal veiw and knowing my wife very well, she has things about herself which she is not happy about and some of those things are getting put off on me. kinda like when this all first came about 2 months ago, she said it was nothing i had done and that she had just changed. well then i started hearing all the things that i had done wrong from a couple of big issues i have (insensetivity,beer drinking,p smoking,) to very little tiny things like my mom who lives 1200 miles from us. i think she just needs to step back and evaluate herself and try to become happy again. you would think by giving her this time and space which hasnt been that long now(a couple of weeks out of 2 months) i would see her start to be happy again which means it really was me that was making her unhappy. but NO.......its the other way around. she seems even more miserable without me.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Rich, my husband also had things he needed to sort out about himself. Then because of things he has done in the past, which have changed my behaviour towards him, he feels he has made me become a person he does not like very much! great!

As you know he was planning to leave, and I recently told him to go.

We met Saturday, no talk of reconcilliation, even spoke of selling our house. But he did still have a certain amount of anger towards me, did bring up things that had happened. Only briefly, but unprovoked by me. I do feel if he was indifferent towards me, this would not matter. We have a 16 yr old daughter- but we don't really *need*to see each other,but he suggested we meet maybe once weekly, and see how it goes. Don't think that was in a working on our marriage sort of a way, more if we both wanted to continue it or call it a day. As he said we need to do this ammicably as neither of us can afford to get this messy. Said he thought the evening had gone quite well, and he had enjoyed it. 

I asked if he was happyier now. he replied he did not know if he was or not.

I did hug hi, and when he left he hugged me and gave me a long squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. At one point sitting next to him, I said I find it so hard not to touch you. he said why would you want to touch someone you hate.

I want to hope we have achance by meeting up and seing how we get along and no pressure of 'working' on relationship in a planned way.

Then again I think it might be easier not to contact him about meeting as I might be hoping too much. I am sad, but a lot better than I was and coping with my life. If I have to sell the house this might be the tip over though!!

I get very confused bymy own feelings. Someone said to me yesterday 'Live for today'-maybe that is a good plan.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

Reindeer.......how long have you and husband been separated? I am really starting to question weather or not i want to give this a go. Part of me says you have to stay and part of me says go. It has only been 2 months for us right now but it seems like forever. Part of me says if i give up i gave up way to soon. Other part of me says dont put up with this. If she had any love towards you at all she would not do this to me. I am so confused..


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

We have been separated for 4 weeks. Not sleeping together since 22nd April when he first decided he was done with marriage. October though was when he basically shut down on me, was very angry with everbody, stopped going out etc etc. carried on working, but basically got no enjoyment from life. Since he decided toleave we began to get on better. he says he has tried in his own way to make us work. But he did not tell me how he felt and what I needed to do to change, so i don't think we had a fair chance. I hate this too!


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

sounds like we are in the same boat and almost the exact same time frame. i just had a huge blow out with my wife and i am so mad right now. i am at work so i cant let out to much. i just cant keep from the contact from her. she does not understand me and i dont understand her. she refered to me as wishy washy and that in my opinion is her. not me. maybe we both are. well she says i have got her almost to the point of giving up and not even trying to fix anything but herself. she has no care about working on our relationship right now only herself. which in my opinion means (she is a selfish bit......ch) if that is how it is going to be then so be it. there is such a thing as multi-tasking. guess that would be asking to much. i cant take much more of this.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

So how about YOU working on YOURSELF?


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

yeah have been for a while....somedays i make huge amounts of progress then other days like today i set myself back. had a bad day with the wife. i think shes nuts,shethinks im nuts, i think we are both a little bit nuts. i told her since she has shown me how much she really dont want me in her life that it will make it easier for me to just give her that time and space. i am scared because i am getting so close to that edge of saying "you know what? you may go and fuuuuuuck right off now". i dont want to do that but i am only making it worse by doing this to her. its like we are trading pain. not good for a marriage. but i am not the one who let it go on this far. LACK OF COMMUNICATION on both our our parts. but by god if i had some issues like she claims to have then i would have said something a little sooner.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

what to do? what to do? i am so confused on how to leave this whole space thing. as my wife and i had a blow up yesterday i have really started to have resentment towards her. i have never felt this way about my wife and i dont want to feel this way. how do i make it stop. could someone please advise me of this?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

2 months is a long time for "space".

3 months tops.

Myself, I view a woman saying "I need space" as if she is saying "I want you to go away so me and my other man can have our affair more easily".

Regardless, a woman needing space, is letting her man down over time rather than crushing him all at once.

A man "waiting" for his woman, is only prolonging the inevitable.

FIrst things first, if your woman is having some Emotional Affair or Physical Affair with some other man, this affair MUST be smashed before anything else good will happen. 

Do what you need to do to determine if there is an affair man in the picture.

If there is indeed no man, regardless, your next steps are number 1 and number 2.

Number 1: Schedule marriage counseling, tell your woman when and where is the appointment and attend either with her or without her. Stand up for your marriage and your children, make this decision and action from your own accord and see it through. 

Number 2: Contact a lawyer. For your marriage and your son you need to take steps to protect yourself, and show your woman she is needing to sh!t or get off the pot, so to speak. Demonstrate to yourself, your woman, and your son that you are not the man to tolerate being married to a woman that is content to be living elsewhere doing who knows what for who knows how long. This also the very important step if there is indeed some affair man in the picture, for the thought of losing family is often the cold bucket of water to wake up the cheating spouse, not to mention often the affair man is not looking to house and provide and deal with the emotional baggage of a woman going through a divorce, when the reality is he was most likely just looking for easy casual sex.

Also you say these blow ups are happening, so get yourself under control, and do what you need to do to control your emotoins, ESPECIALLY in front of your woman. 

Most likely you are emotional and frustrated because you are not working on your own plan for your marriage and feeling out of control.

However, in addition to steps 1 and 2, you may benefit from individual counceling, so do not hesitate to find someone to confide in and be open emotionally to, importantly someone else that is NOT your woman!

Take control of yourself and control of your marriage by taking the necessary steps to end this stalemate!

I wish you well.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

well i have made this mess. i know i sound to sure... but i am 99.9 percent sure there is not another man right now. i have actually pushed her for these 2 months and alot of this could have been over with by now. but i jacked things all up. my wife is a really good woman and i think is really trying to find in me what she once seen but i havent given her the (time and space) she needs to accomplish what it is she needs to. i see fear in her sometimes that i might be gone. she has actually shown me this several times but of coarse i screw it all up. but day after day it is getting easier to just let her be and maybe she will come back around. (if i havent went to far yet.) thanks for the input wolf......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you actually investigate to see if there's OM? Or do you just 'think'?


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

No investigation. Just really wondering blindly about it... By her actions and emotions, and i usually always know where she is. Im pretty sure she is jut out to lunch(all by herself) right now anyways. Maybe that is the plan. I will never know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you have no plan. How can you succeed at anything without a plan?

Ask a friend to watch her. Try to get a keylogger on her computer. Odds are good she has met up with an old friend online, if she rarely goes anywhere. That's how half of affairs start these days.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

What is key logger?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's software that you install on a computer that keeps track of every key stroke. You can set it up to email YOU a report of whatever is typed on HER computer, so you can see if she's having an online affair.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> It's software that you install on a computer that keeps track of every key stroke. You can set it up to email YOU a report of whatever is typed on HER computer, so you can see if she's having an online affair.


Where would you purchase this software?


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

Man yall are way to into all this high tech stuff


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

VH, I am NOT going to tell you, because you have NO BUSINESS using it. You are leaving your husband for VERY GOOD reasons and your current job is to remove him from your life, not get sucked back in. So there! lol


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

rich 1227 said:


> Man yall are way to into all this high tech stuff


 rich, if you read other threads in infidelity forums, you'll see that keyloggers are VERY widely used once an affair pops up. It's a betrayed spouse's main weapon against the interloper - the affair - in his/her marriage. It's a way to get rid of the OM/OW and reclaim the spouse and get the marriage back. Because you will NEVER get your marriage back if your spouse is cheating. Only if you END the cheating. 

Which is why we keep asking you to INVESTIGATE.


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## FL. MACHINIST (Jun 5, 2011)

But i am not able to access he computer she has right now. What then?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You check phone records if you have them. You check your other bills to look for any untoward activity or expenses. You ask friends to follow her from work to see where she goes. You hire a PI to get better information. You do this for a month or so, dedicated. And if you find nothing, THEN you focus solely on making yourself a better choice than 'space' both to show her and to fix yourself in case she never comes back.


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## FL. GUY (Jun 10, 2011)

off hand do you know what the price of a pi would be? roughly?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've heard anything from $300 to $1500. 

What is the worth of your marriage?


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## FL. GUY (Jun 10, 2011)

like a $1,000,000. but i am just a middle class worker. i do well but not that well. you have really got me thinking now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask your friends to follow her/them. With a camera.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Call Joey Grecco! 
Just kidding (a little!), but the PI might not be a bad idea.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

It's funny how one week soon turns into one year..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's going on?


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## s0medude (Jun 10, 2011)

F-102 said:


> "I need space".
> 
> From a man, it means they feel crowded and want time alone.
> 
> From a woman, it means that they've met someone.


I have some suspicion that my wife may be having an EA with someone who she considers to be an old friend, and after confronting her about that she swears there's no one else. How do you know if that person is telling the truth? I'm taking her word on that, and she has agreed to stop being friends with that person.

However, she also stated she needs some space because she's confused and conflicted. Based on the comments I'm quoting, am I in trouble here?

Also was just told by my counselor that I should give her that space for one month, and if she doesn't know what she wants then the marriage is over.

/crushed


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

s0medude said:


> . How do you know if that person is telling the truth? I'm taking her word on that, and she has agreed to stop being friends with that person.


You know they are telling you the truth via confirmation. Trust but verify. Get the proof. Don't let her know you're looking.

It's rare the cheater who stops all contact after being found out. They usually take the cheating underground & become more sneaky about it.

LOOOOOOOOOOOVE this thread title, btw! :rofl:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

s0medude said:


> I have some suspicion that my wife may be having an EA with someone who she considers to be an old friend, and after confronting her about that she swears there's no one else. How do you know if that person is telling the truth? I'm taking her word on that, and she has agreed to stop being friends with that person.
> 
> However, she also stated she needs some space because she's confused and conflicted. Based on the comments I'm quoting, am I in trouble here?
> 
> ...


 Check her phone records and put a keylogger on her computer. If you find no number called over and over, and find no emails, stop snooping in a month and focus on your marriage.

btw, she's lying and she does have a guy in the wings.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have never said I need space ever. I've never met another man who has.


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## FL. GUY (Jun 10, 2011)

runs like dog said:


> i have never said i need space ever. I've never met another man who has.


i dont know any personally but i do know a woman that is in the same situation as i am..her husband is acting the same way as my wife. He wants space. Kinda strange that the way she has decribed it to me we have the exact same situation only i lost my wife and she lost her husband.


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## FL. GUY (Jun 10, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I have never said I need space ever. I've never met another man who has.


OH AND I FORGOT TO SAY..I THINK I NEED MY SPACE NOW...GETTING OVER IT REAL QUICK.. SO NOW U HAVE HEARD ANOTHER GUY SAY IT. :scratchhead:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

s0medude said:


> I have some suspicion that my wife may be having an EA with someone who she considers to be an old friend, and after confronting her about that she swears there's no one else. How do you know if that person is telling the truth? I'm taking her word on that, and she has agreed to stop being friends with that person.
> 
> However, she also stated she needs some space because she's confused and conflicted. Based on the comments I'm quoting, am I in trouble here?
> 
> ...


I think space in your situation is just code for letting her focus on the affair. I am very confused why a counselor would want this. She needs NC with the OM. If you are isolated out of the picture you cannot ****block.


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