# Struggling with Husband of 20 years



## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

Hi, I am new here. I have been married 20 years, it has not always been perfect, but we do appear to like and love each other despite our differences when it comes to sex, which is the main problem in our marriage! I just felt the need to get things off my chest with a third-party due to recent events.

Last year my husband decided to get a piercing in his penis but never said anything to me about doing it and just came home with it. This upset me greatly, firstly because he didn't think to ask me my opinion or include me, but also because he didn;t consider if I wanted to have sex or give oral pleasure to someone with a piercing! Again we worked through this (It took time, and I had no choice really other than leave him). I don't get any pleasure out of it and am not entirely sure what he gets, but last week he went and had it changed for a bar and at the same time got his nipple pierced!!!! Again, he did not tell me anything until after it was done! He was upset with me because I didn't show enthusiasm for his new peircing! All he could say was "Id be really excited if you came home with one". When I said about the fact he hadn't discussed it with me, he said he had mentioned it several times about getting one. I have to say yes he had, but each time I had come back with no as I didn't like the idea of it. I don't find men with piercings a turn-on, plus I didn't realise he was serious!!!

Why would he go ahead and do this? Am I wrong for feeling so upset with him for doing this without talking to me first and disregarding consideration for me as to whether I want my husband to have piercings? I am really questioning our life together, whats the next 20 years going to bring that I have to just endure and accept!?. He knew how upset I got with the penis piercing, and now he does it again! I know its his body, and he can do what he likes, but we are a partnership (so I had thought). He didn't have piercings when we married and why wait now until he is in his 50's with an attitude of I just have to accept it. Perhaps he is doing it to split up with me? I am so confused with his behavior.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If my husband knew I was not into that at all, didn’t ask me, and did it Id wonder what / who it was for.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

(Man here) I would be upset too, but this shows me also that after 20 years you have no idea who your husband is.


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> (Man here) I would be upset too, but this shows me also that after 20 years you have no idea who your husband is.


Yes you are right, I have no idea and some of what I am finding out I am not necessarily liking. But I can’t be blamed for not knowing him when he has hidden a lot of it. Which he openly admitted in therapy. Why hide who you are and then wonder wonder why we have issues 20years later..!


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> If my husband knew I was not into that at all, didn’t ask me, and did it Id wonder what / who it was for.


I don’t know if my husband truly knows I’m not into it. Perhaps he didn’t realise I was serious when I said no to the piercings. Yes you could be right but I don’t think it’s for anyone but himself….. he doesn’t go anywhere for it to be for anyone else. Male menopause is what I’m thinking.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Married0901 said:


> Yes you are right, I have no idea and some of what I am finding out I am not necessarily liking. But I can’t be blamed for not knowing him when he has hidden a lot of it. Which he openly admitted in therapy. Why hide who you are and then wonder wonder why we have issues 20years later..!


Yes, I get that. Can't be pleasant. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Married0901 said:



Why would he go ahead and do this? Am I wrong for feeling so upset with him for doing this without talking to me first and disregarding consideration for me as to whether I want my husband to have piercings? I am really questioning our life together, whats the next 20 years going to bring that I have to just endure and accept!?. He knew how upset I got with the penis piercing, and now he does it again! I know its his body, and he can do what he likes, but we are a partnership (so I had thought). He didn't have piercings when we married and why wait now until he is in his 50's with an attitude of I just have to accept it. Perhaps he is doing it to split up with me? I am so confused with his behavior.

Click to expand...

*I'm willing to bet everything that I own that he's doing this for someone *else's* approval, and likely not yours, OP.

To me, piercings are disgusting enough, but when someone that age gets them, they're even more unattractive.

He must have found a friend who appreciates piercings on dad bodies....or should I say 'grandad' bodies?


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Yes, I get that. Can't be pleasant. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.


Thank you for your understanding.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Married0901 said:


> I don’t know if my husband truly knows I’m not into it. Perhaps he didn’t realise I was serious when I said no to the piercings. Yes you could be right but I don’t think it’s for anyone but himself….. he doesn’t go anywhere for it to be for anyone else. Male menopause is what I’m thinking.


No, this is him watching porn.

Or, someone is inspiring him, a male or female'friend.


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> No, this is him watching porn.
> 
> Or, someone is inspiring him, a male or female'friend.


Lol. Yes defo porn that I do know of him. In both video format and books too,


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

I don't really have anything to offer because I checked out when you said, "my husband decided to get a piercing in his penis".


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Have you asked him why he wanted to get his pecker pierced? Because it sounds like a nightmare to me.
I agree with others who say it’s not you he’s wanting to impress, or he’d have discussed it with you first.
There’s a great deal of info that you need to find.


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

sideways said:


> I don't really have anything to offer because I checked out when you said, "my husband decided to get a piercing in his penis".


Perhaps I should have checked out then to….. 🤷‍♀️🤔


Evinrude58 said:


> Have you asked him why he wanted to get his pecker pierced? Because it sounds like a nightmare to me.
> I agree with others who say it’s not you he’s wanting to impress, or he’d have discussed it with you first.
> There’s a great deal of info that you need to find.


I know it’s not to impress me. I’m fairly confident he’s not cheating on me with a person, but l porn yes! That’s a question I need to ask him I guess, rather than arguing about the act of the piercing.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You would t pierce it just to watch porn.There’s more hours g on


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Married0901 said:


> Perhaps I should have checked out then to….. 🤷‍♀️🤔
> 
> I know it’s not to impress me. I’m fairly confident he’s not cheating on me with a person, but l porn yes! That’s a question I need to ask him I guess, rather than arguing about the act of the piercing.


I promise, the porn stars can’t see one’s pierced pecker through the tv screen.
Whoever he is wanting to impress is seeing abd feeling the pierced organ. 
May I suggest a little detective work on the phone bill and such?

His actions and your description of him have zero in common.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I promise, the porn stars can’t see one’s pierced pecker through the tv screen.
> Whoever he is wanting to impress is seeing abd feeling the pierced organ.
> May I suggest a little detective work on the phone bill and such?
> 
> His actions and your description of him have zero in common.


Agree 100%. He didn’t get a painful thing done to impress someone who’s not into it,


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

Married0901 said:


> Hi, I am new here. I have been married 20 years, it has not always been perfect, but we do appear to like and love each other despite our differences when it comes to sex, which is the main problem in our marriage! I just felt the need to get things off my chest with a third-party due to recent events.
> 
> Last year my husband decided to get a piercing in his penis but never said anything to me about doing it and just came home with it. This upset me greatly, firstly because he didn't think to ask me my opinion or include me, but also because he didn;t consider if I wanted to have sex or give oral pleasure to someone with a piercing! Again we worked through this (It took time, and I had no choice really other than leave him). I don't get any pleasure out of it and am not entirely sure what he gets, but last week he went and had it changed for a bar and at the same time got his nipple pierced!!!! Again, he did not tell me anything until after it was done! He was upset with me because I didn't show enthusiasm for his new peircing! All he could say was "Id be really excited if you came home with one". When I said about the fact he hadn't discussed it with me, he said he had mentioned it several times about getting one. I have to say yes he had, but each time I had come back with no as I didn't like the idea of it. I don't find men with piercings a turn-on, plus I didn't realise he was serious!!!
> 
> Why would he go ahead and do this? Am I wrong for feeling so upset with him for doing this without talking to me first and disregarding consideration for me as to whether I want my husband to have piercings? I am really questioning our life together, whats the next 20 years going to bring that I have to just endure and accept!?. He knew how upset I got with the penis piercing, and now he does it again! I know its his body, and he can do what he likes, but we are a partnership (so I had thought). He didn't have piercings when we married and why wait now until he is in his 50's with an attitude of I just have to accept it. Perhaps he is doing it to split up with me? I am so confused with his behavior.


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

I didn’t really think men got piercings in their penis to impress anyone, but for their own sexual please. They would certainly get more please it’s than the partner, that’s what I’ve read at least. It’s meant to stimulates them more. 
When I wrote my post I didn’t think there was going to be such a discussion about my husbands fidelity, but more about my reaction, good or bad, and how others would feel in the same situation….


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I wouldn’t be thrilled if my husband came home with a pierced anything but if there was nothing more to it than an impulsive decision on his part, I wouldn’t be upset about it. But…I would probably wonder why he would do it out of nowhere without sharing it with me, something that personal. I’d probably connect any dots to see if there are red flags leading up to it, like maybe him growing distant or spending an inordinate amount of time on social media.

Can you think of anything being off over the past several months, that maybe you brushed aside?


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I wouldn’t be thrilled if my husband came home with a pierced anything but if there was nothing more to it than an impulsive decision on his part, I wouldn’t be upset about it. But…I would probably wonder why he would do it out of nowhere without sharing it with me, something that personal. I’d probably connect any dots to see if there are red flags leading up to it, like maybe him growing distant or spending an inordinate amount of time on social media.
> 
> Can you think of anything being off over the past several months, that maybe you brushed aside?


Nothing has been unusual. He works from home all day and then is with me most evenings other than when he plays football twice a week and I have no reason to suspect he isn’t going to football. We go to bed at the same time so any social media on his own would be during the working day…..I think he’s having some midlife crisis. Sex is important for him and we differ on that greatly. I know he pleasures himself regularly and know he was concerned for his performance and lack of sensitivity. That explains the penis piercing to a degree, not doing it in secret though, but it doesn’t explain the nipple!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Married0901 said:


> Nothing has been unusual. He works from home all day and then is with me most evenings other than when he plays football twice a week and I have no reason to suspect he isn’t going to football. We go to bed at the same time so any social media on his own would be during the working day…..I think he’s having some midlife crisis. Sex is important for him and we differ on that greatly. I know he pleasures himself regularly and know he was concerned for his performance and lack of sensitivity. That explains the penis piercing to a degree, not doing it in secret though, but it doesn’t explain the nipple!


Hmm. It could be he saw piercings on someone else in pics online or something and just went ahead and did it, but usually those types of piercings have sexual reasons. Not just aesthetic. I guess if you went out and dyed your hair blue and didn’t discuss it with him, it might be similar and not the end of the world. But if it does bother you, I’d hope he would at least be empathetic to how you’re feeling. 😌

What has he said in response to your reactions? I understand your feelings especially since you sound so close and have a good marriage. It’s just taken you aback a little.


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

Thank you for your empathy, I feel you understand where I am coming from and that I’m not alone! My husband has shown no empathy to me at all! He doesn’t appear to see why I should be upset and is more upset that I could not show “excitement” (for want of a better word) to his new piercing. He was obviously chuffed with it!
We haven’t really spoken since Friday night, which he started by storming out of the house. Then Saturday morning I stupidly still took him tea and toast in bed thinking it would clear the air a bit, but no, he came down still sulking and chose to ignore me all day! He has tried to engage with me today (not by discussing the elephant in the room) but seeing if I wanted to go shopping, normal stuff, but frankly Im still pissed off about him giving me the silent treatment Saturday as well as the piercing and don’t really want to be around him just now! 
You used the hair analogy, which can be changed, but I liken it more to going out buying a pet, which he would (and has said no to recently after our 15 year old dog passed away in December) If I came home with a dog he would be angry at me for doing it in the first place, but then at the fact we didn’t choose it together and I took it upon my self to do. Yet once we had it we couldn’t take it back in my view and would have to live with it, like it or not!! So why shouldn’t I do this!? No different to his piercing really.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Married0901 said:


> ,,,,een married 20 years, it has not always been perfect, but we do appear to like and love each other *despite our differences when it comes to sex, which is the main problem in our marriage!* ,,,,,,,,
> 
> Last year my husband decided to get a piercing in his penis but *never said anything to m*e about doing it and *just came home with it*. This upset me greatly, firstly because *he didn't think to ask me my opinion* or include me, but also because he didn;t consider if I wanted to have sex or give oral pleasure to someone with a piercing! Again we worked through this (It took time, and I had no choice really other than leave him). I don't get any pleasure out of it and am not entirely sure what he gets, but last week he went and *had it changed for a bar* and at the same time *got his nipple pierced!!!!* Again, he did not tell me anything until after it was done! He was upset with me because I didn't show enthusiasm for his new peircing! All he could say was "Id be really excited if you came home with one". When I said about the fact he hadn't discussed it with me, *he said he had mentioned it several times about getting one*. *I have to say yes he had*, but each time I had come back with no as I didn't like the idea of it. I don't find men with piercings a turn-on, plus I didn't realise he was serious!!!
> 
> ...





Married0901 said:


> Lol. Y*es defo porn* that I do know of him. *In both video format and books *too,





Married0901 said:


> ....... I’m fairly confident he’s n*ot cheating on me with a person*, but l porn yes! That’s a question I need to ask him I guess, rather than arguing about the act of the piercing.





Married0901 said:


> …..I think *he’s having some midlife crisis*. *Sex is important for him and we differ on that greatly.* I know he pleasures himself regularly and know he was concerned for his performance and lack of sensitivity. *That explains the penis piercing to a degree*, not doing it in secret though, *but it doesn’t explain the nipple!*


I am sorry for the length of this, but you have posted a lot of information.

Wow where to start? You have an absolutely incredible understanding of what is going on and yet some huge blind spots.

Let's start with the basics. Yes, the two of you have a problem with sex. He is having a mid-life crisis, as you have pointed out. Yes, it really is his body. While it would be nice if all of our decisions were made jointly, you are not his mother and do not get to decide the clothes he wears, the type of hair cut he gets, or what parts of his body get to be pierced or not. As an adult he should have control over all of that. 

Of course he should consult you as his wife, but as you point out he did, but you didn't take it seriously. That is not his fault. Yes, it is not very thoughtful on his part, but as you say, it is his body. And as I would say you are not his mother.

Now let's look at what is happening. He is very frustrated with his sex life. He is acting out (actually screaming out) to you to help change your shared sex life. The porn and the piercings are just symbols of that plea for change. So speaking of ignoring things, what are you going to do about his pleas for change?

You can ignore it and not realize that he is becoming more and more desperate for a change. But then, you really may not like the next thing he does in his mid-life crisis to get your attention.

My suggestion is that you sit down and talk to him, if the two of you have the communication skills and bravery to discuss sex. If you don't, I would suggest a marriage counselor who is a board certified sex therapist help you discuss what is going on. The first thing I would suggest that the two of you focus on is discussing his sexual frustration and your feelings toward sex to see if you can't negotiate some compromises that will allow him to back off on the porn and his acting out.

You really do seem to understand your husband quite well. Yes, the penis piercing probably has both a psychological and a physical stimulation effect on your H. Remember that a man's biggest sex organ is not between his legs, it is between his ears. Do you also understand that he probably changed from a ring piercing to a barbell piercing (just different jewelry) as something he did for you? If so, did you thank him? Oh and the nipple piercings, they can be very erotic and stimulating to some men.

An interesting experiment the Sex Therapist had us do, while saving our marriage, involved having my wife stimulate me during Sensate Focus exercises on different parts of my body. I never knew that when I was very sexually aroused that when my nipples were stimulated and my mind was relaxed an just focused on sensual feelings, that I could feel nipple stimulation in other parts of my body. And French kissing also could be felt in other parts of my body. Yes, French kissing nipple play in the right circumstances can be felt in this man's penis. In fact there are nerve stimulation feelings shared by the nipples, lips, mouth, penis, scrotum, and anus. And actually the more different body parts stimulated, the stronger the sensations. Now you have a lesson in finding out erotic foreplay with your husband, if you care to take it. 

So I can definitely understand his self-discovery and wanting to enjoy that new source of stimulation with nipple piercings. He is clearly, in his mid-life crisis, into sensual self exploration. Do you want to be part of that, or do you want to allow him to explore that all by himself and leave you behind? I would urge you to work with a sex therapist and marriage counselor in jointly exploring your and his sexuality and find out what you both enjoy and can incorporate into your lives.

Another things that the sex therapist helped us after 38 years of marriage with was a Yes/No/Maybe list. We each separately filled one out and then shared the results and discussed why we felt the way we did. I bet you that there are a lot of things your H might want to try that you had no idea he would. To do such a list, the two of you really need to have some ground rules. You both need to not be judgemental and you need to not use anything listed as something you will use against the other in an argument. If he says he wants or would like to try something, even if does not sound appealing to you, you should research it to see if there isn't some way you can allow him to at least partially experience it. After all it could be something he decides he doesn't like after trying part of it. Alternatively, it could be something you actually like and would like to go farther with exploring.

Role playing can be a great way to partially explore some things you are not sure of, without rejecting his desire in a mother-like way. You want to be his lover and not his mother figure.

Let's give a specific example. Let's say he would love to try anal sex with you and you really don't want to. Don't reject him outright. Tell him it really doesn't appeal to you, if it doesn't. But tell him you will read up on it and see what you might or might not be able to do. If you decide that you just can't do it (which is fine and your right), you might be able give him an illusion, and that might be enough. If you can do the illusion, make sure he understands that this is an experiment and not something you will agree to do every time you make love or even once a month. 

For example, you could go out and buy a FleshLight Anal Masturbation sleeve (you can Google it). You could then set a role playing event for him. During the event, you can either start by watching some porn together (or not) retire to the bed room, get on your elbows and knees while holding the Anal Flesh Light tightly between you legs and help him enter the sleeve. Then you can use dirty talk (or not) from the porn video about anal sex to encourage him while you does you dirty doggy style. After it is over, you can talk about it and indicate what you felt and also later discuss it more. There is no reason you have to do something that actually repels you. But having him masturbate into a sleeve you are holding while imagining he is doing something else might be enough of a compromise to allow him to move on to something else you both prefer or at least have it be something that is only done a couple times a year.

Now let's say he wants a 3-some with another woman. I think that would be a really bad idea and a huge mistake in a marriage. However, there is a Ted talk video that describes how an FMF 3-some can be explored via role playing without bringing another person into your bed. Monogomish

The point is that he is sexually frustrated, he is reaching out during his mid-life crisis to you and trying to change the sex life the two of you share. You can either be part of his journey of exploration, or become surprised where it takes him because you didn't realize he was serious (your words). My suggestion is for you to be part of his journey and get a Sex Therapist to help guide the two of you.

Good luck. Again, I apologize for the length of this post.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I’ll admit I’m not young and hip ( as the e stunningly beautiful hostess on this show was) . but no way in hell does asking my husband if he’d like to bring someone home to bang a positive for most marriages. Seriously? Let him close his eyes so you’re not who he’s with is your answer to not cheating? If a woman isn’t enough for her husband they should part ways.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Crap advice for people who don’t want pretend cheating


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Your husband doesn’t seem a very mature person.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I note you thanks a few posters for agreeing with you. I’d like to ask you some honest questions. A lot of people mention cheating but none of this is standing out to me at all.

Do you not know him because you never listen and never took the time to want to know who he really is? And never allowed him to be who he was?

You mention he tried to run it by you a few times before it happened… but?? And he also seemed excited and tried to bring you on board?

Were you ever listening?

Sometimes I run things by my husband and he doesn’t listen much. Sometimes he agrees just to maybe stop me feeling excited or happy about a hobby or something. Sometimes after the event he can explode.

Is this you?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why would you bring him breakfast in bed after he disrespected you? He could have at least let you know he planned to do the piercings - but he didn’t.
You two don’t seem to communicate with each other. Sit down and talk about how you feel about all of this.

try to understand him! Try to see if he might understand you.

and what are the problems you’ve eluded to in your sex life? Have you two ever discussed the problems? Attempted to compromise about the issues?


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> I am sorry for the length of this, but you have posted a lot of information.
> 
> Wow where to start? You have an absolutely incredible understanding of what is going on and yet some huge blind spots.
> 
> ...


You seem to have gotten the measure of us on the most part and I do agree with a lot of what you say. You make a lot of sense and seem very knowledgeable and clever. I know he is frustrated, but I’m not sure I am the right person to satisfy him.,…that breaks my heart because I love him there is no doubt in my mind about that. He has talked about a sexless marriage (his suggestion, not mine), but I do not want this and can not see how this would work well). I just can’t seem to give him the Kink that he desires so heavily. I do try, but I am not really into it. Recently he wanted me to encase his penis to deny him from even masterbating, I did so at his request and he was delighted with the results. As for me, I got nothing from it, as it seems to be the case with much of his desires. I don’t mean that to sound like he thinks of himself, because he does think of me, and is a considerate lover, it just doesn’t always work for me.
Thank you for your honest and frank account, I will certainly try to take it on board. It may need me to read it a few more times yet due to the amount you packed in 😂. But thank you, it has certainly given me food for thought.


Young at Heart said:


> I am sorry for the length of this, but you have posted a lot of information.
> 
> Wow where to start? You have an absolutely incredible understanding of what is going on and yet some huge blind spots.
> 
> ...





Beach123 said:


> Why would you bring him breakfast in bed after he disrespected you? He could have at least let you know he planned to do the piercings - but he didn’t.
> You two don’t seem to communicate with each other. Sit down and talk about how you feel about all of this.
> 
> try to understand him! Try to see if he might understand you.
> ...


yes, I believe he has disrespected me. I still took him breakfast purely as a gesture to show I wanted to talk and I wasn’t Angry just upset That failed because when he came down stairs he went into the other room and ignored me for the best part of the day. Oddly enough he gave me breakfast in bed Sunday so I did the same to him. That’s who we are. We sulk and don’t talk. So no. We don’t communicate well. We have our moments when it all pours out and I try to understand his kinks and fetishes and even try to accommodate them, and then sex life is good for a while again. Until the sex slows up because I don’t want it, or don’t want to do what he does. We are on very different pages. I appear to have a hang up on anything sexual, why god only knows. Lack of experience perhaps, only really having my husband to ‘teach me’. We have a very loving relationship, enjoy being with each other, but his sex drive needs are more than mine. I am plain I guess and frankly don’t always enjoy sex Whereas he enjoys it and needs its. The more you give, the more he wants. Last year I told him to get sec therapy because I believed he is addicted to sex. Problem is, it became expensive and with our daughter in Uni we were struggling finiancislly so he stopped after a few months (or it naturally came to an end, we never discussed it). Nothing was really resolved, he had a better understanding of what was appropriate behaviour and not. He wanted me to go to some course to “find myself”. I said I would at the time, after he’d done his and perhaps I still will. I’m not sure how it will change things because what little I do give to his fetishise, he pushes for more and makes me feel uncomfortable with it. 
It was apparent yesterday, that dispute his lack of respect for going to get the piercing and not talking to me about it, I was clearly in the wrong in my reaction to it all……his words. “I was at fault”!!!
I either learn to deal with it, or I walk away after 20 years to say the relationship is over. Like you say, we don’t communicate well about sex, and that being out biggest problem time and time again, I don’t see the next 20 years going so well either.


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I note you thanks a few posters for agreeing with you. I’d like to ask you some honest questions. A lot of people mention cheating but none of this is standing out to me at all.
> 
> Do you not know him because you never listen and never took the time to want to know who he really is? And never allowed him to be who he was?
> 
> ...


My husband is always running things buy me, I do stop listening after a while, it becomes exhausting! But he doesn’t listen either so I don’t think it’s fair to put that on me entirely! Each time he referenced the nipple piercing I was like …ewww no! Even when he suggested I get one. This to me was expressing the fact I didn’t like them! He failed to hear that (chose not to hear it) and figured I’ll do it anyway and she can lump it. Like with the penis piercing. No consideration to me as to whether I wanted to have sex with a man who now suddenly had a piercing, If I went out to buy a puppy after he’s told me no, he would be furious, not just upset. That too could be reservable in rehoming the puppy, or the hubby getting used to it, but I would not be that brazen or selfish to do it without us both board. I’m a grown women. It’s my marriage too, so do I want to be married to someone who impulsively gets piercing, what next….shave his hair off, get a tattoo on his face!!!!!!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Married0901 said:


> *Sex is important for him and we differ on that greatly.* I know he pleasures himself regularly and know he was concerned for his performance and lack of sensitivity.


I assume this means it is NOT important to you at all. And his concern for his performance and lack of sensitivity was for him solo. Having nothing to do with you at all. He got pierced for his benefit not yours. Is this all correct?

You also mentioned he as into DFO porn, which I had to look up and still don't really understand. Is this dedication of his part of why sex is not important for you?

Is your issue the fact that he did something to his body without your approval, not that he actually did anything? For some reason he is enthralled with piercings. Is that a thing with that type of porn? Are there people online who act out this stuff with one another via their webcams?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Married0901 said:


> Perhaps I should have checked out then to….. 🤷‍♀️🤔
> 
> I know it’s not to impress me. I’m fairly confident he’s not cheating on me with a person, but l porn yes! That’s a question I need to ask him I guess, rather than arguing about the act of the piercing.


Of course he did not do it for you.

That metal piercing (I'm sure) has sharp edges. It will cut and chafe where ever it is stuck into. 

Not a kind move on his part (or his parts!).

This is ABBERANT behavior on his part! Let no one say it is not.

Move on, find a man without shiny, or pokey trinkets attached to him.


_Nemesis-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I believe those who overly adorn their bodies with, whatever, are born, minus a few screws, minus sufficient self esteem.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Sorry @Married0901, my post would have been very different if I’d known the history.
If someone has fetishes like that can therapy really fix it? If it's possible, I’d find the money somehow, even get a loan as it really is a big problem for YOU while he’s busily trying to find new ways to satisfy himself sexually.

I do think he’s selfish. He seems to want to keep doing what he’s doing & I’m not sensing much compromise from him.
I may be wrong but it seems to occupy a great deal of his life?

It’s a tough one because you said the marriage is fine otherwise.
BUT, I don’t think I could live like that for the next 20 years. If he can’t get it fixed, it will occupy a big part of his life and by default, yours. You’ve been dealing with it a long time.
Sorry you have to deal with this when you should be enjoying life with kids grown etc .


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like he’s venturing farther into the game than you want to go. One of you will win that battle of “how much is okay” and I don’t think it’ll be you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> ........That metal piercing (I'm sure) has sharp edges. It will cut and chafe where ever it is stuck into......


I think that you are wrong. Most piercing jewelry does not have sharp edges. I am sure one could order some, but that is not the standard.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Married0901 said:


> ........I know he is frustrated, but I’m not sure *I am the right person to satisfy him.,…that breaks my heart because I love him there is no doubt in my mind about that. *
> 
> ......* I just can’t seem to give him the Kink that he desires so heavily.* I do try, but I am not really into it. Recently he wanted me to encase his penis to deny him from even masterbating, *I did so at his request and he was delighted with the results. **As for me, I got nothing from it**, *as it seems to be the case with much of his desires.
> .....
> *I either learn to deal with it, or I walk away *after 20 years to say the relationship is over. Like you say, we don’t communicate well about sex, and that being out biggest problem time and time again, I don’t see the next 20 years going so well either.


Again, from what you post, I think you have a good understanding of the situation.

I also think that "perspective" is an important part of marriage. The old story about the glass being half full or half empty comes to mind. Don't give up on yourself and your marriage.

When you did the 'male chastity" think with your H and (as you said) he was delighted with the results, why didn't that provide you some pleasure in at least knowing you made him happy? Yes, I can understand why, doing that to him might not provide you with any sexual excitement, but to say you got nothing from it, sounds like maybe part of what should have happened is that the two of you should have done a "debriefing" afterwards. 

Could you talk to him about or reflect if after you adventure, the two of you talked about what happened, shared feelings. Perhaps you should tell him that when you are brave like that, you need him to reinforce your bravery and use your "love languages" to make you feel good about what you have done.

As to communications, you might want to read the Gottmans' book the Art and Science of Love.

Good luck, I hope you put in the time to learn to deal with your problem, as opposed to walking away from your marriage (your words).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Married0901 said:


> You seem to have gotten the measure of us on the most part and I do agree with a lot of what you say. You make a lot of sense and seem very knowledgeable and clever. I know he is frustrated, but I’m not sure I am the right person to satisfy him.,…that breaks my heart because I love him there is no doubt in my mind about that. He has talked about a sexless marriage (his suggestion, not mine), but I do not want this and can not see how this would work well). I just can’t seem to give him the Kink that he desires so heavily. I do try, but I am not really into it. Recently he wanted me to encase his penis to deny him from even masterbating, I did so at his request and he was delighted with the results. As for me, I got nothing from it, as it seems to be the case with much of his desires. I don’t mean that to sound like he thinks of himself, because he does think of me, and is a considerate lover, it just doesn’t always work for me.
> Thank you for your honest and frank account, I will certainly try to take it on board. It may need me to read it a few more times yet due to the amount you packed in . But thank you, it has certainly given me food for thought.
> 
> 
> ...


For your own sake, please stop with the lack of respect/surprise over the piercing.

Just a few posts ago, you agreed with @Young at Heart that you didn't take him seriously when he brought it to your attention...more than once...now you are back to the old narrative again. This is a form of denial, and completely dismisses his attempt to bring something to your attention that was important to him. What you are doing is essentially telling him his attempt to bring it to your attention was ignored, which will likely lead to less transparency from him moving forward. 

I'm not sure where your marriage goes from here as there seems to be a growing chasm. What I can promise you is that failing to deal with reality will make this process far more difficult. This, combined with questionable maturity from him, is a recipe for disaster. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Again, from what you post, I think you have a good understanding of the situation.
> 
> I also think that "perspective" is an important part of marriage. The old story about the glass being half full or half empty comes to mind. Don't give up on yourself and your marriage.
> 
> ...


Thank you!! You have made some very valid comments and given me food for thought. I feel you have a good understanding of my feelings and situation which is comforting. It is not my intention to give up on my marriage, which is why I turned to this forum in the hope to get some “perspective” , support and just generally talk to other people openly about something I don’t feel I want to share with my friends, and you have provided that, along with one or two others.

I possibly do not explain myself very well, which is a major flaw and doesn’t help me when trying to talk these issues with my husband,🙃. With regard the male chastity, I did not get anything sexual from it, so in my mind I question why I would do it when we are not both benefiting from it sexually. This is perhaps rather naive (selfish even) of me. But you are right, I did get pleasure (not in a sexual way) from doing something he wanted and that I had created that pleasure, and helped him get satisfaction. We were both happy afterwards…I just wasn’t turned on from it, so when he wanted to pleasure me in return, it just didn’t work for me, leaving a bit of a damp squid feeling. 
I wasn’t very good at playing his chastity game, but I did try. I went away for a few days leaving him incapacitated and sent him the odd photo of me, or teased him about going out on the pull. I did not find it easy, and he wanted more, so then it made me feel a bit inadequate. I know that was not his intention, he has just read too many stories and so his fantasies were to far up there for me to comfortably fulfil 😆. He was very appreciative of my efforts and knew how hard it was for me to do.
Sorry, I’m rambling now.
Thank you for reading. You have been a great help.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I don't go for piercings either and would be put off by them. It is disheartening to see women who punch holes in their face to attach stuff. Nose rings especially. Some look like they dove face first into a tackle box. But it is no different than a woman that gets a breast augmentation, facial piercings or tats without approval from SO.

Heard of one girl that got a large tat on her chest and hubby divorced her over it. Turns out he was brutally molested by couple who raised him and they had tats.

Likewise you can refuse sex while he has the piercing on. Same way I would have to not look at wife during sex if she had any sort of facial piercing.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> For your own sake, please stop with the lack of respect/surprise over the piercing.
> 
> Just a few posts ago, you agreed with @Young at Heart that you didn't take him seriously when he brought it to your attention...more than once...now you are back to the old narrative again. This is a form of denial, and completely dismisses his attempt to bring something to your attention that was important to him. What you are doing is essentially telling him his attempt to bring it to your attention was ignored, which will likely lead to less transparency from him moving forward.
> 
> ...


I really agree with you. The piercings are done, they are in the past. Yes he can remove them and allow them to heal, but her feelings is a problem. What her H did is done, the point of contention seems to be her bringing it up as she has not resolved her feelings about it.

Part of it might be the "fear of the unknown." That is that the piercings were radical enough she now understands that she really has lost touch with where her husband is.

If she were my sister, I would suggest she focus on the future not the past. In fact, I would wager if she apologized for such a harsh conversation start-up (a Gottoman Art and Science of Love concept) and ask him is she can play with his piercings so that she acustomizes herself to them, that could go a long way toward to tow of them moving forward.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Married0901 said:


> ........It is not my intention to give up on my marriage, which is why I turned to this forum in the hope to get some “perspective” , support........
> 
> ....With regard the male chastity, ..... I did get pleasure (not in a sexual way) from doing something he wanted and that I had created that pleasure, and *helped him get satisfaction. We were both happy afterwards*…I just wasn’t turned on from it, so when he wanted to pleasure me in return, it just didn’t work for me, leaving a bit of a damp squid feeling.
> 
> .......I did not find it easy, and he wanted more, so then it made me feel a bit inadequate. I know that was not his intention, he has just read too many stories and so his fantasies were to far up there for me to comfortably fulfil 😆. *He was very appreciative of my efforts and knew how hard it was for me to do.....*


Perhaps you and your H should work at learning a little bit more about role playing. Your male chastity role playing sounded pretty advanced if it involved multiple days. My suggestion would be to figure out a rough script that you both feel comfortable in acting out. So the two of you may already know a lot. However, like most things in life, practice makes better. 

Also feedback afterwards is important. It can be a way of emotionally bonding. It can also be where one partner who stretched themself to the limit (perhaps you) get to be thanked and praised for how well you did and how happy and proud you made your partner. Always look for opportunities to make each other feel cherished.

role playing tips

Men's Health advice on role playing

As the sex therapist that helped save my marriage told my wife and me, the best sex is playful and exploratory. It should be like looking forward to recess in grade school to play with your best friend.

A really good sex therapist is expensive, but they are a lot less expensive than two divorce attorney's. The one that helped my wife and me provided us with so much educational information and helped us negotiate and talk about difficult things.

Good luck.


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## Ukmale30 (8 mo ago)

It is worrying to see a lot of unhelpful, uneducated comments in this thread, yes the OP came here looking for support, but more a place to air their feelings that she felt she couldn’t share with friends, I am not sure why they felt this, embarrassment is, I feel, likely the reason although friends can be biased, at least they know the other party and can reach empathy for both sides. The fact that he has had piercings show a trait of an exhibitionist and there they would likely not worry about the friend knowing, and that the embarrassment is solely with the OP.
I suspect there may have been hope of catching people with similar experiences that may offer helpful advice. It seems though, apart from a few members, that people on this forum are here to judge and trial someone they know nothing of, apart from a few traits and begrudged experiences described by the OP. For all you know he may be a very kind thoughtful and romantic person, that brings much more to the relationship then has been made out. The OP describes how they have “had to learn” from their partner the ways of lovemaking and sex. Is it fair on him to be the sole teacher? Because with this thought he may take every failing to heart, if it is his responsibility he will burden the blame. Has he tried other methods and approached the feelings and desires of his partner with no luck? People have also jumped on the piercings with comments like, it has to be from porn, or it’s to impress another person and judging him as though he had gone and got “out to have sex with anybody” tattooed across his forehead.
There was a post about coming home with “blue hair” this in my view is a lot closer analogy. A blue dye will grow out, fade or can even be bleached and dyed different or how ever it works (disclaimer: not an expert in dyed hair 😉) The piercing is not permanent, it can be removed, either temporarily or permanently. So why can’t we look at a compromise of, “let’s see how it goes, It might grow on me and I like it, but if I don’t like it can we discuss it going?” You never know, tables may turn that it annoys him and he might want to take it out, but you kinda of got used to it and want it to stay. As with the sex, and not wanting it in you, fact that he has changed it to a bar, A: it may give you something different, and B: means it is removable. Compromise would say, by all means have the piercing, but if you want oral or penetrative sex take it out.
One poster put on here about chaffing sharp pointy bits of metal, or along those lines, clearly knows nothing of piercing jewellery, they are mostly the complete opposite, and with the right penis piercing can give a female a lot of extra pleasure, it may not be for everyone, but don’t dis what you haven’t tried or experienced yourself!
To the helpful person who tried to research Defo porn (hopefully purely on research and not intrigue) I think you will find it was case of lost in translation. Defo is British slang for Definitely 🧐 so theOP was answering “definitely porn” but we’ll done for trying to gather facts before commenting, although I’m worried what you may have found 😉
Young at heart, You have offered a lot of sound advice, and speaking by experience it would seem. Nice to see it was always with a positive slant towards addressing and fixing the issue not walking away from it. 😊
One last thought on Chastity and the comments made here form some they may know nothing of it. A reason for using this is submissive control, and another is to give a partner with a lower sex drive an aid to help bridge the gap. From a teasing point of view, having a man in chastity can give you the power to keep him in a state of arousal for a prolonged time. His focus will be on pleasing you. Asking you to do a little bit of work, leading him on until you are ready to give him what he wants. “Why do I need to lock him up for this then” I hear you ask. A man’s ( I know I am one) attention will only last so long, even with prolonged teasing he will eventually look to sorting out the burning desire himself, if you are the key holder, his focus and attention is on you, use this to your advantage, trust me after a while he will do anything for you, because if his behaviour reflects on how long he stays locked up, he will learn. Now I’m sure you can think of rewards, that you may be able to give, or already may do for him even when you don’t want sex, but here you have the control of when. It also has the power to heighten your sexual pleasure. You said, it doesn’t turn you on or give you anything sexual, for one, giving him pleasure should be good for you (I think you said it did) but mostly you are missing a trick with your pleasure. If you don’t want sex for a period of time, normally speaking he will find it himself in masturbating porn ect or indeed if you help out. But if you have certain times and patterns to when you do want to have sex, denying him and keeping his arousal focused on you for a few days or even longer before, gives you the power to literally release a caged animal. If he hasn’t had it for a bit, his performance will be much better, if he is masturbating up-to the point where you become wanting sex, he isn’t primed in the same way. He may wish this to your control to improve his performance when you guys do it, but know he can’t match your abstinence with out aid. As young at heart said “research and discuss” but do your research first, so it isn’t just him with the ideas, so you understand his ideas and mostly always remember, it’s called experimenting, again he might get to saying he doesn’t want to wear it when the novelty wears off, you just might have other ideas 😊


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

Ukmale30, are you sure you’re not my husband!?. As you rightly pointed out I came to the forum to hopefully chat with others with similar experiences and feelings, so they could help me with my feelings. Yes, I’m embarrassed to talk in detail to my friends because as you pointed out, they can be biased. In fact, I have since chatted to my friend, and whilst she laughed when I told her, she did apologise and was very supportive, but couldn’t really give a great deal of insightful thoughts on the matter. Her relationship with her husband is completely different to mine! Her husband is content for sex bi monthly, whereas my husband has a need for sexual pleasure almost daily, with or without me, but he also craves intimacy, plus she was possibly still a little bit biased but really did try bless her.
My Husband is a kind, thoughtful and romantic man, and an exhibitionist too! He’d be more than happy on a nudist beach! Are you sure you don’t know him! 🤣 and he does bring a lot to the relationship! And, I can see I have many flaws and let him down constantly! When I posted, I was upset and needed for someone to understand my feelings, which my husband blantetly does not and still regards me as being in the wrong! Of course you are not going to see the whole story, that’s going to be impossible, especially in a first post and of course it’s only going to be my side of the story,I was the one reaching out….
A couple of the posters have given me lots of good advice, which and made me see many of my flaws (ghee thanks for that! 😜). As for the poster commenting on the Grandad body, yes I do feel a little bit like that. Why wait until this age to do it, but equally we all grow old at some point, piercings or no piercings Even you’ll be old one day probably doing something radical in a midlife crisis! It’s like like saying I can’t wear short skirts because I’m over 45! Yet, I still have fairly good legs, better than many younger than me. I just think you have to be considerate of your partner, discuss things properly and openly, and do it together, which is missing from my recent experience! 
Thank you to those of you who gave good sound, educated advice, I will do my best and try to take it on board.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note for *@Ukmale30 Guess what? You don't have to read any comments on TAM.

However, what you will *not* do is come here to bully and berate other members for expressing opinions that you do not like or do not agree with.


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## Ukmale30 (8 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator note for *@Ukmale30 Guess what? You don't have to read any comments on TAM.
> 
> However, what you will *not* do is come here to bully and berate other members for expressing opinions that you do not like or do not agree with.


Not sure how I was bullying, I came on here to find advice on my own issues. I have posted honest opinions about statements made on here that, in my view are not helpful. My opinion. The OP can take my opinions or not, those that have opinions that were not factual or not technically correct we’re giving bad information, and those jumping to a walk away now are giving bad advice. So if your take is to allow them to try and push people they don’t know to divorce, and therefore very much bullying someone who is not here to defend themselves, then this forum is not a safe place. I never insulted anybody, my statement of “uneducated opinion” to be clear is in the subject they are advising, and not to mean they are uneducated in general. Ie don’t talk about piercings being sharp pointy and chaffing if you are not educated in such things. I can say this as I know well about piercing and body jewellery.
This should be a positive place where possible as peoples lives are on the line, literally. So do not just dismiss someone’s relation ship with so few facts. Gather them by all means and support the OP and try to let them make the best decisions by them.
if not maybe this is not the place for me to find answers to my relationship issues. 😒


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## Married0901 (8 mo ago)

I am possibly ageist 😂. After all I consider myself old! Not really on both accounts, but it’s not about the age, it’s about the fact in all the 25 years of our life together, he has never had a piercing. Not entirely true, he had an ear piercing, BUT had taken it out before he met me and never wore an earring in the last 25 years……I don’t really know why

I saw the moderator comment, and did not understand where it came about. You made some valid points and some of the comments in my opinion berated me and were self opinionated, especially a couple you touched on, the DFO porn cracked me up.

thanks again,Good luck with your own issues @Ukmale30


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ukmale30 You did not upset the moderators. However, you *did* upset a member who reported you.

Many people come to TAM because they were involved in abusive relationships. Often they were/are told that their opinions don't count, that they are stupid, uneducated, etc. Which is pretty much what you said.

Great job of triggering people. Really classy.

Reminds me of alcoholics who crash an AA meeting whilst drunk and reeking of alcohol and insulting the AA members in their meeting.


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## Ukmale30 (8 mo ago)

Married0901 said:


> I am possibly ageist 😂. After all I consider myself old! Not really on both accounts, but it’s not about the age, it’s about the fact in all the 25 years of our life together, he has never had a piercing. Not entirely true, he had an ear piercing, BUT had taken it out before he met me and never wore an earring in the last 25 years……I don’t really know why
> 
> I saw the moderator comment, and did not understand where it came about. You made some valid points and some of the comments in my opinion berated me and were self opinionated, especially a couple you touched on, the DFO porn cracked me up.
> 
> thanks again,Good luck with your own issues @Ukmale30


Yeas agree, perhaps we’re the moderator may wish to focus his attention, may be he was upset I was doing his job for him. 😂 (just kidding mr moderator) 

seriously, you sound a wonderful person, and you haven’t really berated your husband, you seem just to have become frustrated.Try to make amends and enjoy life, try to understand each other and look out for one another if you believe he is worth it which it sounds you do put the effort in, I’m sure he will do the same cause he surely must realise you are DEFO worth it 😘


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ukmale30 said:


> Ok my apologies to that person. But right now, you are intentionally bullying me. My comments were made to protect the OP from bad comments, that they have replied in their post that They did feel were wrong. But again I never told anybody that their opinion was wrong, please point me in that direction. I pointed out that some opinions were not helpful, as I believed they were not, I did point out that the poster that commented on the jewellery was indeed wrong, but this is factual. I never once said someone’s opinion didn’t count or that they were stupid or uneducated. May be I could have said that they were misinformed and I will use this slightly friendlier word. But I do not see where you get off with your heavy handed moderation, which has berated me and attacked me and I quote “Great job of triggering people. Really classy” Maybe a heads up with have been good, but yeah welcome to the forum mate. So maybe you should think about your own bullying.
> 
> To the person I may of upset, I truly apologise. It was not my intention in any way shape or form. My sole intention, as I said in the first reply to the moderator, was in protecting the OP from what I regarded were people offering misinformed information. Or indeed taking a directly negative stance against someone not here to defend themselves. someone who may loose a lot from the wrong encouragement given to their partner on here. I guess we all need to learn how delicate things are, and how damaging our words can be. I am sure your words were given with good intentions as indeed were mine. They meant no malice and were there to defend the OP. Again accept my apologise I assure you your opinions do matter.


*I was not bullying you. I was admonishing you for your bad behaviour. *

*Accusing moderators on a website of bullying after you have been pulled up for bad behaviour always makes moderators wonder about the motivations of such a person. *


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@Married0901 Though you're not at your happiest at the moment due to this issue, you keep referring to the other aspects of your marriage in such a positive way and more recently described your H as kind, romantic etc.
Would there be a possibility of both of you going to a good sex therapist familiar in this particular area, i.e. not someone who deals solely with sex addiction etc. It mightn't be easy to find someone & I don't even know if they exist. But you could also look in the USA and have online therapy. I found a specialist there last year for a very particular issue my son had. I couldn't find one anywhere else. I could find general specialists but I wanted someone whose speciality was in that particular area.
Perhaps a compromise/solution could be worked out that way?
Also, maybe there are forums where it's discussed. It's worth a google at the very least. 
Seems such a shame because your marriage sounds fine otherwise.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Op I am sorry for what you are going through with your husband. You were blindsided with his sudden personal preference. I believe you have a perfect right to feel the way you do. It’s just I have heard so many times in the past years “her body her choice” and that the husband or boyfriend just had to deal with it, I have no advice. This is the first time I have seen the tables turned. I hope you are able to work this out with your husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note* Sorry folks, we were had. The trolls have been escorted from the premises.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator note* Sorry folks, we were had. The trolls have been escorted from the premises.


Good job @MattMatt


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Good job @MattMatt


Thank you. It was a joint effort by


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Nevermind...


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Have you asked him why he wanted to get his pecker pierced? Because it sounds like a nightmare to me.
> I agree with others who say it’s not you he’s wanting to impress, or he’d have discussed it with you first.
> There’s a great deal of info that you need to find.


Have you asked if he's gay


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Married0901 said:


> Hi, I am new here. I have been married 20 years, it has not always been perfect, but we do appear to like and love each other despite our differences when it comes to sex, which is the main problem in our marriage! I just felt the need to get things off my chest with a third-party due to recent events.
> 
> Last year my husband decided to get a piercing in his penis but never said anything to me about doing it and just came home with it. This upset me greatly, firstly because he didn't think to ask me my opinion or include me, but also because he didn;t consider if I wanted to have sex or give oral pleasure to someone with a piercing! Again we worked through this (It took time, and I had no choice really other than leave him). I don't get any pleasure out of it and am not entirely sure what he gets, but last week he went and had it changed for a bar and at the same time got his nipple pierced!!!! Again, he did not tell me anything until after it was done! He was upset with me because I didn't show enthusiasm for his new peircing! All he could say was "Id be really excited if you came home with one". When I said about the fact he hadn't discussed it with me, he said he had mentioned it several times about getting one. I have to say yes he had, but each time I had come back with no as I didn't like the idea of it. I don't find men with piercings a turn-on, plus I didn't realise he was serious!!!
> 
> Why would he go ahead and do this? Am I wrong for feeling so upset with him for doing this without talking to me first and disregarding consideration for me as to whether I want my husband to have piercings? I am really questioning our life together, whats the next 20 years going to bring that I have to just endure and accept!?. He knew how upset I got with the penis piercing, and now he does it again! I know its his body, and he can do what he likes, but we are a partnership (so I had thought). He didn't have piercings when we married and why wait now until he is in his 50's with an attitude of I just have to accept it. Perhaps he is doing it to split up with me? I am so confused with his behavior.


That's really gross. I would be done with him sexually. I think maybe he is interested in a certain subset of men possibly who would be into that sort of thing. 

Is he a good family man otherwise? It's hard to imagine that he is since he gives you no consideration in something like this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Ukmale30 You did not upset the moderators. However, you *did* upset a member who reported you.
> 
> Many people come to TAM because they were involved in abusive relationships. Often they were/are told that their opinions don't count, that they are stupid, uneducated, etc. Which is pretty much what you said.
> 
> ...


He just joined so it probably is her husband who's watching what she writes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Never mind.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's really gross. I would be done with him sexually. I think maybe he is interested in a certain subset of men possibly who would be into that sort of thing.
> 
> Is he a good family man otherwise? It's hard to imagine that he is since he gives you no consideration in something like this.


Have you noticed the latest developments here?

EDIT: I think you have now...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Have you noticed the latest developments here?
> 
> EDIT: I think you have now...


I guess I'm going to have to start reading from the bottom up. But I would have thought that the thread would have been closed to replies. Maybe that is still in the works.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He just joined so it probably is her husband who's watching what she writes.


They were identified as trolls.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

David60525 said:


> Have you asked if he's gay





DownByTheRiver said:


> He just joined so it probably is her husband who's watching what she writes.


Or maybe she should ask if he (and "her") is a troll?

They were identified as trolls and asked to leave the building toot de suit.


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