# In laws might as well move in... Going nuts



## Ffs83defxp (Mar 30, 2014)

Hey guys...
So in order for this all to make sense I've gotta give a little bit of a back story to this whole thing. My wife and I decided to elope about a year and a half ago. Let's just say my wife wasn't really close with her family because they were too "in to" her personal life. Once they found out they caused major problems for us. Long story short we had a restraining order against them and did not speak to them for a whole year. After our trip overseas, we found out my wife was pregnant. Me personally, I did not feel right about my child not knowing his grandparents so I encouraged her to reach out to them. They were very happy that she was pregnant. 

Things slowly got better for a while and before we knew it, we were seeing them much more than we had planned. Practically every day of the week. This is not uncommon for her family because they are way too into your life and business. My mother in law and sister in law are practically one person. You can't see where one begins and the other ends. There should be a disorder after their behavior... My father in law is not as bad but he ends up getting bullied by my MIL and SIL so he usually sides with them on everything. My mother in law always wanted my wife to be like her little sister-- attached to her hip. My wife was never into all of that and wanted her own life to herself. 

The problem is... There is no way to create distance at all between us. When we don't answer a text message from one of them, they will all try calling both of our phones to see where we were and what we were doing. We can not go ONE DAY without a text from them. Every time we have tried to address the issue with them, they get angry and defensive and accuse us of being horrible family members. Now that the baby here things are much worse. They are practically at our house 4 days out of the week. And when they aren't there they end up texting us all day to make sure we stay in contact. This is becoming all too much for me. 

My wife knows this is a problem and she keeps on insisting that she is going to handle it. The problem is, every time she tries, it doesn't work. The message does not get across, the mother in law ends up throwing a fit, they hang up the phone, and they are over the next day. I want to get involved but the wife does not want me to get involved. She is obviously not succeeding at fixing this and I Am about ready to Blow a fuse. It is at a point where now where my negative feelings towards her family are now negative towards her for not fixing this problem. It is putting a strain on us and I am not sure what to do. I can just feel myself getting closer and closer to exploding. Anyone have any advice?

I love my wife very much but I just can't handle how much we see her family. I feel that if we were to divorce in the future for any reason. Her family would have something to do with it. 

The strain it puts on us is crazy. And I don't even want to be home and around my wife because in my head, she is part of the problem. She can't fix it, but she doesn't want me to get involved. It's just all ridiculous. I'm happier at work where I'm away from it all than in the comfort of my own home.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Normally I'd say her parents, her job to fix it, but since she's not, you might have to. 

Do they arrive unannounced or do they call first? If they call just say it's not a good time for a visit. They don't need to know why. If they still rock up, don't answer the door.

With the constant phone/texts, you'll have to play hardball. Just don't answer. Don't respond to texts or pick up the phone. If you have to put your phones on silent then so be it. It'll work eventually, they'll get the message.

Be aware that the problem may well escalate before it gets better but if you stick to your guns it will settle down.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How old are you?


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## Ffs83defxp (Mar 30, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Normally I'd say her parents, her job to fix it, but since she's not, you might have to.
> 
> Do they arrive unannounced or do they call first? If they call just say it's not a good time for a visit. They don't need to know why. If they still rock up, don't answer the door.
> 
> ...



Occasionally they show up unannounced but many of the times they make up a good reason to "just show up". My wife's grandfather actually passed away about 4 months ago, and since then, we decided to move into the house he was living in, since we lived in a small one bedroom apartment. We came to an agreement with her father and her grandmother (currently living in a nursing home) and are currently doing a rent to own program with them. But until it's time for us to buy, they use many excuses to why they need to come to the house, and end up using that as an excuse to stay. We've tried ignoring the texts but then things just become hostile and lead into one giant argument. 

I am 23 my wife is 24.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your first mistake was moving close enough to them to "pop over". Your second mistake was renting a place from one of them. For people who say you want to put some distance between, you're doing a great job of tieing yourselves tightly to them. Put on your big boy pants, and move a few hours away from them

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Is it at all possible that you could move further away?

A little more distance might make them think twice about coming over.

But you and your wife need counseling... mostly because she does not realize how dangerous her family is to your relationship with each other, and also because she does not know how to set boundaries with these people.

There is probably nothing worse for a new couple than family that does not understand boundaries.


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## Ffs83defxp (Mar 30, 2014)

Now that I am in this situation, I do in fact regret renting this place. Unfortunately it is not possible for us to move a couple hours away. We live in Chicago and we both work in the city so moving a few hours out would mean redoing our lives completely. 

Originally when we talked about moving in we put it in bold words in the lease that there needs to be 72 hour notice before house visits. Her father was supposed to come up with the lease but we haven't signed anything so far. It's hard to move because our rent here is quite low for the space that we're getting. On top of that, you have no idea how hard it is to find A place to rent that allows dogs. It's all just a catch 22. I am currently looking for work out of state but even the idea of moving away is bitter. My mom is a single mother, living alone (also in Chicago). 
She only visits us once or twice a month and the amount of time we talk to her is nowhere near how much we see her parents. 
Just sucks it feels like I have to lose out on seeing my own mother and family (the couple times a month I DO see them) because hers are just nuts. They're like pimples. You pop it in one spot and they just show up in another.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Comes down to this. Go to their house or have them come over and face to face, let them know that they are going over board and it's becoming irritating to you and your wife so here are your choices. Stop with the constant phone calls, texts, and popping in unannounced, You don't like it and it's invading your privacy with your family.

Then you tell them that either you agree to it or you'll file another restraining order and this time it wont be broke. Let them know you rescinded the restraining order so they could see their grand child and their over stepping their bounds and your not putting up with it any longer. 

Sometimes people need a good slap to the chops to wake them up. You can do this and still be polite but make sure they understand that enough is enough.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

PBear said:


> Your first mistake was moving close enough to them to "pop over". Your second mistake was renting a place from one of them. For people who say you want to put some distance between, you're doing a great job of tieing yourselves tightly to them. Put on your big boy pants, and move a few hours away from them


:iagree:


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

PBear said:


> Your first mistake was moving close enough to them to "pop over". Your second mistake was renting a place from one of them. For people who say you want to put some distance between, you're doing a great job of tieing yourselves tightly to them. Put on your big boy pants, and move a few hours away from them
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Married couples need their private emotional and physical space. Boundaries need to be set early on. 

You and your wife need to sit down with your in-laws. Be loving yet firm. Your in-laws don't have to like your boundaries but they do have to respect them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you and your wife can't stand up to her relatives and you can't figure out a way to move away from them, then you better get used to the way things are. There's no "relationship fairy" who's going to magically fix things. It's up to you two to draw your boundaries and enforce them. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ffs83defxp (Mar 30, 2014)

I think I am just going to talk to her and tell her that I am going to handle this situation. I don't want to go ahead and do it without telling her because it's just going to cause drama between the two of us. I'm gonna talk to her, tell her that this is starting to get in between US, and I've given her enough chances to deal with it. Its time for me to end this


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ffs83defxp said:


> I think I am just going to talk to her and tell her that I am going to handle this situation. I don't want to go ahead and do it without telling her because it's just going to cause drama between the two of us. I'm gonna talk to her, *tell her that this is starting to get in between US, and I've given her enough chances to deal with it.* Its time for me to end this


Do NOT say that - you'll be on the couch for a month, lol.

Put it to her like this "I can see how much stress this is causing you, I'm going to solve this once and for all"

If you say it as though "you've had enough bloody time and done nothing" that will only put a bigger wedge between you and your wife.

It doesn't have to be confrontational either...stay calm and simply tell them now isn't a good time and then END the conversation/phone call. There doesn't have to be yelling and screaming.


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

You need to MOVE. It can be near, just not a rental owned by wife's family.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Ffs83defxp said:


> Occasionally they show up unannounced but many of the times they make up a good reason to "just show up".


Here is another possibility. You can use very specific measures to keep them away. For example, I heard of someone who's mother in law was deathly afraid of snakes, so they got a pet snake and she rarely came over again!

Some other similar suggestions:

1. Get a huge guard dog that barks and scares the crap out of everyone.

2. Answer the door in your underwear, or even naked. Insist it's your house, so you can wear what you want. 

3. If they are offended by porn, put all kinds of erotic posters and statues around the house. Have a porno playing on the TV.

4. Pack some suitcases with random stuff. Next time they show up unannounced, tell them you were just about to go away for the weekend, throw the suitcases in the car, and drive away!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Theseus, you are evil!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Annoy them. 

Don't offer them coffee or any refreshment, only walk around in your boxers, add LOTS of beans to your diet, go sit at their house when it's inconvenient for them.... ignore them and play on your phone. (You should probably put pants on for that.) Take down any photos of them.

Edited to add: Really, when you tell them that they are cutting into your "us" or "family bonding" time, maybe suggest ONE night a week, like Wednesday night dinner. And let THEM keep the baby one night a week so that ya'll can have date night.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I think moving would be a good thing. It must not be in another city but closer to your mom. Or you really find an agreement.
Otherwise have always something to be fixed ready. Ah can't you help me...? It is not easy setting borders. You might tell that you really appreciate them, but that you cannot have them every day. You must not always drive away for holiday, just pretend you are going out to visit friends, to cinema or urgent shopping. You might have less phones, no mobile phone or no phone at all (you'll save a lot of money) maybe one mobile with a number they don't know. An you always can unplug your phone. Make clear that you are not willing to answer text messages anymore.


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## Tess112 (Mar 9, 2014)

Theseus said:


> 2. Answer the door in your underwear, or even naked. Insist it's your house, so you can wear what you want.


Hahahaha, I like that one!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

There was a thread ages ago about how far away from in laws worked best.

As I recall the consensus was far enough away that they would not risk just "popping over as they were passing" but close enough that they did not need to stay overnight, so anywhere 1 to 3 hours away from them should be good.

(N.B. we are 1 1/2 to 2 hours drive from the nearest family member and it works for us).


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