# The benefits of polyamory



## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

I found polyamory has several benefits to my mental health.

It reduces anxiety - People like me tend to get really anxious when it comes to one woman. I start imagining the worst case scenarios when we're away for too long. I get paranoid and think "maybe she's talking to other men.. maybe she lost interest.. maybe something bad happened.."

When I have many women, I'm calmer. I'm not really worried about losing a woman because I have plenty more.

It helps me see things more clearly - When I'm focused on one woman, I tend to overlook warning signs she's not a healthy partner because of anxiety. When you get anxious, you tend to do that out of fear. That's why many people tend to stay in unhealthy relationships. They're afraid if they leave, they won't find another partner who can meet their needs.

With many women, I'm able to analyze my relationships more objectively. I can ask women for their opinions on other women and help me asses the quality of my relationships.

More security - If you have multiple partners, you're more likely to get more support. People can help you raise your children, help with finances, deal with emotions, etc.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Isaiah990 said:


> I found polyamory has several benefits to my mental health.
> 
> It reduces anxiety - People like me tend to get really anxious when it comes to one woman. I start imagining the worst case scenarios when we're away for too long. I get paranoid and think "maybe she's talking to other men.. maybe she lost interest.. maybe something bad happened.."
> 
> ...


Oof... 

What do the women get out of polyamory?

I'm polyamorous myself, and I prefer it when my wife has another partner because her other partners provide her with support while i am deployed. Worrying about people back home can be deadly when you are in a combat zone.

Generally speaking, her other partners have also been pretty good company when home.

I have never really been afraid of _losing _my wife. I don't own anyone.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So when you’re deployed, you don’t have to worry about Jody enjoying your wife and drinking your beer.....
You know he’s enjoying your wife, and are confident that he’s not only going to keep you a cold one waiting, but mowing the grass and paying the bills, too?
Pure genius!

I couldn’t/wouldn’t share mine I’m too jealous and such. But it’s an interesting concept.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Isaiah990 said:


> More security - If you have multiple partners, you're more likely to get more support. People can help you raise your children, help with finances, deal with emotions, etc.


It doesn't strike me as more confident or less anxious, just less invested and less connected. Your post describes the substitution of a deep relationship with several shallow ones. They are not the same thing. You talk about support, but if you had a car wreck today and were paralyzed, needing life long care, how many of those paramours are coming over?

If you are happy, great for you. However, you have not stumbled upon the great secret of relationships, or happiness.

And whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil. Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.​


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So are you actually involved with multiple women now or is this all conceptual?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> So when you’re deployed, you don’t have to worry about Jody enjoying your wife and drinking your beer.....
> You know he’s enjoying your wife, and are confident that he’s not only going to keep you a cold one waiting, but mowing the grass and paying the bills, too?
> Pure genius!
> 
> I couldn’t/wouldn’t share mine I’m too jealous and such. But it’s an interesting concept.


What as’ladain describes above isn’t new or unique on to him. It has been part of warrior society for millennia.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Having been in the military myself, I would not like that arrangement at all. Maybe I lack self confidence or something, but the jealousy would just be too much for me to take. I would be worrying about her with or without a lover at home. But... I can also somewhat see that knowing and being comfortable with it could be reassuring. Many times the not knowing about something is worse than the actual thing you are worrying about.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Isaiah, I honestly think you need some sort of therapy or maybe ministry. You clearly have some issues. 
You are disobeying God and trying to justify it by saying that it's ok because it makes you feel better.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Isaiah, I honestly think you need some sort of therapy or maybe ministry. You clearly have some issues.
> You are disobeying God and trying to justify it by saying that it's ok because it makes you feel better.


I think you are putting too much credence into the words like polygamy and polyamory etc being thrown around and I think his previous thread went off the rails with all the theological debate.

Isaiah isn’t marrying 5 of his 14 year old cousins and keeping them locked up pregnant and desperate to feed their 15 children in the middle of Utah. 

Maybe I’m misinterpreting a bit, but the analogy I can see that describes this is a young man that got brought up in an environment where only vanilla ice cream was ever discussed. He only had vanilla ice cream and only witnessed vanilla ice cream and has been indoctrinated that any other flavors are wrong and bad and completely unacceptable. 

Then he does a little digging around on his own and discovers that not only do other flavors of ice cream exist, but it’s ok to sample a little of each and not have to little yourself to first bowl of vanilla ice cream that you ever take a bite of. 

IMHO Isaiah is not a polygamist or a polyamorist or player or swinger or whatever label you want to apply. 

He is just a young man discovering that there is a whole big world out there and life isn’t just the tiny little pidgeonhole he was presented with as a young boy. 

He SHOULD be out meeting and going out with a variety of girls. 

He should NOT be committing to strict exclusivity with the first girl that he has a coffee date with. 

As long as he is open and honest, safe and responsible, and respectful of the women’s boundaries, there’s no foul here.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Isaiah990 said:


> I found polyamory has several benefits to my mental health.
> 
> It reduces anxiety - People like me tend to get really anxious when it comes to one woman. I start imagining the worst case scenarios when we're away for too long. I get paranoid and think "maybe she's talking to other men.. maybe she lost interest.. maybe something bad happened.."
> 
> ...


Sounds to like like you’re afraid of commitment. Yeah, it takes some serious balls. What’s life without risk?.... boring.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> So when you’re deployed, you don’t have to worry about Jody enjoying your wife and drinking your beer.....
> You know he’s enjoying your wife, and are confident that he’s not only going to keep you a cold one waiting, but mowing the grass and paying the bills, too?
> Pure genius!
> 
> I couldn’t/wouldn’t share mine I’m too jealous and such. But it’s an interesting concept.


What can I say, i don't get jealous about sex, or anything that happens in my absence. Most of the guys she has dated have also been in the military, either active or retired.

You would be surprised at how common polyamory is among military circles. 

She gets the emotional support she needs and i don't get red cross messages telling me my wife is suicidal while I'm focused on bringing my soldiers home. 

It works for us.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Having been in the military myself, I would not like that arrangement at all. Maybe I lack self confidence or something, but the jealousy would just be too much for me to take. I would be worrying about her with or without a lover at home. But... I can also somewhat see that knowing and being comfortable with it could be reassuring. Many times the not knowing about something is worse than the actual thing you are worrying about.


It's also about how you emotionally react to things... If you get jealous about your partners having other romantic relationships, polyamory would be pretty hard to do. What I get jealous over, is my wife giving away what little time she could spend with me when I am actually available. 

To give you an idea how often that is, i have been separated from her for about 9 of our 13 years of marriage due to deployments, TDY, and lately, this pandemic.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

CatholicDad said:


> Sounds to like like you’re afraid of commitment. Yeah, it takes some serious balls. What’s life without risk?.... boring.


I agree with you on your assessment of what he is afraid of.

But a lot of people who are polyamorous are not afraid of commitment at all. I'm certainly not. I really can't think of any reason why i would leave my wife outside of her being dangerous to me. If she were trying to harm/kill me, constantly expose me to STDs, legal problems, etc. 

And even then, i will, and have in the past, worked my ass off to influence her to stop the destructive behaviors LONG before considering divorce or separation. 

She doesn't do any of that anymore, so no worries. And if it happens again, i know how to handle it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Isaiah990 said:


> I found polyamory has several benefits to my mental health.


But didn't you mention in your other thread you only have one partner?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> But didn't you mention in your other thread you only have one partner?


he can't respond because he is banned.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

As'laDain said:


> It's also about how you emotionally react to things... If you get jealous about your partners having other romantic relationships, polyamory would be pretty hard to do. What I get jealous over, is my wife giving away what little time she could spend with me when I am actually available.
> 
> To give you an idea how often that is, i have been separated from her for about 9 of our 13 years of marriage due to deployments, TDY, and lately, this pandemic.


Just curious. How does this arrangement work when you aren't deployed?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Just curious. How does this arrangement work when you aren't deployed?


We split up time as we feel works best for us. We talk it to death with everyone involved, come up with a plan, and then execute it.

I don't need all of her time when I'm not deployed. But i do need some of it. So we figure that out amongst ourselves.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

As'laDain said:


> We split up time as we feel works best for us. We talk it to death with everyone involved, come up with a plan, and then execute it.
> 
> I don't need all of her time when I'm not deployed. But i do need some of it. So we figure that out amongst ourselves.


Sorry for so many question, just curious about how this works. Are you legally married to your wife and the others are just boy friends?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Sorry for so many question, just curious about how this works. Are you legally married to your wife and the others are just boy friends?


Basically, though we tend to just call our partners partners. "Just a boyfriend" makes it sound like they are less important.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

As'laDain said:


> Basically, though we tend to just call our partners partners. "Just a boyfriend" makes it sound like they are less important.


I didn't mean to make it sound that way. Sorry for choosing the wrong words.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I didn't mean to make it sound that way. Sorry for choosing the wrong words.


I didn't take any offense. When it comes polyamory, we can make life long commitments with all of our partners, but we are only legally allowed to marry one of them. So... We often just call non-legal spouses partners.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Only way I can do polyamory is if I only care about my partner as a friend with benefits, and her partners need to be good mates of mine before I share her around.

With emotional attachment no way!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Only way I can do polyamory is if I only care about my partner as a friend with benefits, and her partners need to be good mates of mine before I share her around.
> 
> With emotional attachment no way!


Pretty much how I feel about it. I couldn't share someone I am emotionally attached to. I don't anyone else experiencing that level of emotional connection and intimacy with my wife. That is for me and only me, and the same is true for me to her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

As'laDain said:


> I didn't take any offense. When it comes polyamory, we can make life long commitments with all of our partners, but we are only legally allowed to marry one of them. So... We often just call non-legal spouses partners.


I know I'm prying more into personal stuff, but I'm curious. Do you have other partners that you engage in sexual activity with or is it just your wife with other partners?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I know I'm prying more into personal stuff, but I'm curious. Do you have other partners that you engage in sexual activity with or is it just your wife with other partners?


I have two other long term partners.


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

Isaiah990 said:


> I found polyamory has several benefits to my mental health.
> 
> It reduces anxiety - People like me tend to get really anxious when it comes to one woman. I start imagining the worst case scenarios when we're away for too long. I get paranoid and think "maybe she's talking to other men.. maybe she lost interest.. maybe something bad happened.."
> 
> ...


Well whatever helps you and your life. Polyamory isn't for everybody though.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Sampling around with zero emotional investment is one thing. Multiple relationships at once seems like it would be not only very time consuming but emotionally draining. I have one and you couldn't pay me enough to take on another.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

As'laDain said:


> I have never really been afraid of _losing _my wife. I don't own anyone.


I love this!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Isaiah, I honestly think you need some sort of therapy or maybe ministry. You clearly have some issues.
> You are disobeying God and trying to justify it by saying that it's ok because it makes you feel better.


Did he say he's a Christian trying to follow God somewhere...? I didn't see that in his post...


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> he can't respond because he is banned.


The funny thing is that he posted these exact same threads in groups on FetLife as well. Same ID and picture. He is getting much of the same reception there as well.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> Did he say he's a Christian trying to follow God somewhere...? I didn't see that in his post...


I believe that was in his other thread in the religion section.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> I love this!


The way i see it, if i am positive company, then she will stick around. If i am not, then why would she want to spend time with me?

I try to be good company, as much as I can. As long as I'm good company most of the time, i don't have to be perfect. I am anything but perfect. But i can be good company.


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