# I'm not a parent but I was a.........



## jimrich

...kid! :scratchhead:
When I read or hear parents whining about their kids bad or mysterious behavior, I am amazed that so many adults can not or will not remember their own childhood and how it was for them at their children's age. 
IMO, the fastest way to understand and relate to your kids is by remembering your own childhood and all that worked for or against you back then. 
Oddly, many parents and adults come out with OBVIOUSLY dishonest and distorted versions of their own childhood to make the point of how much better or superior they were to their own kids. My parents portrayed them selves as PERFECT, SUPER human beings who NEVER did the crappy stuff us kids were doing. They, especially my dad, were INFINITELY better than us kids in every conceivable way! Even as a little kid, I knew that was B.S. although I didn't know why at that time. Now I do! 
I am not a parent but I spent a lot of time and effort to remember my childhood and most if not all of parents questions and dilemmas over their kids can easily be understood and explained by just remembering how it REALLY was for you as a child.
Of all the issues I dealt with as a child, SEX was the most difficult but only because of the fearful and paranoid attitudes, beliefs and actions of my parents! I was so terrified yet hung up on body parts and sex as a kid and dying for some information or understanding, not to mention, EXPERIENCES with sex and sexy things. I won't go into all the grim details of my sexual adventures, explorations and activities other than to say they were fraught with fear, mystery, fear, SHAME, fear, desperation, fear, curiosity, fear, ANGER, fear, and FEAR! ALL BECAUSE OF MY MESSED UP AND IGNORANT PARENTS!!! Who were, them selves, victims of a messed up and ignorant social system going back 1000s of years! 
Please don't take this as an ANTI-PARENT rant. 
Try to get something from this to be a better parent and HELP your kids instead of attack, ignore, condemn and/or mess them up like you were messed up as a child. Just think a little about what it was like for you as a kid! You don't have to go back to being a kid but, as soon as you have kids, they may force you to go back there one more time to relive it in a hopefully more functional and healthy way along with them.
I'd like some of you parents to write about your own childhood and how remembering that is helping you relate to your kids and perhaps help them as they grow up.
Thanks for letting me share.........


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## Mom6547

jimrich said:


> ...kid! :scratchhead:
> When I read or hear parents whining about their kids bad or mysterious behavior, I am amazed that so many adults can not or will not remember their own childhood and how it was for them at their children's age.


Yah, I used to know it all before I had kids too.


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## magnoliagal

It's not so simple. I swore I'd never do things my parents did or say the things they did. I swore I'd remember what it was like to be a kid I mean my parents were completely unreasonable and didn't get me either.

And then I had kids and my whole perspective changed. I realize why my parents did what they did, the struggles they felt, the helplessness of not always knowing the right thing to say or do. Whoever said parenting isn't for cowards is so right.

Don't get me wrong I'm a good mother. I do remember what it was like to be a kid and I keep that in mind but geesh it's still hard. I'm not even to the sex part yet and it's hard. LOL!! Almost every day I'm faced it seems with some new challenge and just when I think I've got it figured out they change.


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## jimrich

Mom6547 said:


> Yah, I used to know it all before I had kids too.


Whew, sure glad I don't _know_ it all! :lol:


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## Mom6547

jimrich said:


> Whew, sure glad I don't _know_ it all! :lol:


My point being that you aren't going to get a lot of PARENTS nodding their heads with a yuppedy yup because unlike you, we have been both children AND parents. 

And just like you, every one of us remember thinking we knew better than other parents.


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## golfergirl

Mom6547 said:


> My point being that you aren't going to get a lot of PARENTS nodding their heads with a yuppedy yup because unlike you, we have been both children AND parents.
> 
> And just like you, every one of us remember thinking we knew better than other parents.


I'm not a doctor but I've had surgery!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jimrich

Mom6547 said:


> My point being that you aren't going to get a lot of PARENTS nodding their heads with a yuppedy yup because unlike you, we have been both children AND parents.
> 
> And just like you, every one of us remember thinking we knew better than other parents.


thanks for your opinion. BTW, what is a "yuppedy yup"? 
"And just like you, every one of us remember thinking we knew better than other parents." Well, you got me wrong there but thats JUST your opinion :rofl:!
BTW, it's "remembers", not "remember"!
Got any childhood experiences to share with others???


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## Mom6547

jimrich said:


> thanks for your opinion. BTW, what is a "yuppedy yup"?


Enthusiastic agreement.


> "And just like you, every one of us remember thinking we knew better than other parents." Well, you got me wrong there but thats JUST your opinion :rofl:!
> BTW, it's "remembers", not "remember"!


Typing Nazi and I may not get along. 



> Got any childhood experiences to share with others???


I had really good parents who loved me, raised me up right, knew they and we were humans with faults. They did some things that I will never repeat. They did some things that were awesome. 

I guess I had a good enough childhood, and any issues have long since been resolved, that I no longer need to live there. Perhaps that is not the case for you.

My parenting skill comes a bit from them, but mostly from studying, thinking and trying. And two kids who consistently test whether or not my ideas have merit. Sweet monkeys. I was going to say little monkey, but they are not so little anymore.


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## Mrs.G

magnoliagal said:


> It's not so simple. I swore I'd never do things my parents did or say the things they did. I swore I'd remember what it was like to be a kid I mean my parents were completely unreasonable and didn't get me either.
> 
> When I was a child, part of the reason I kept a journal was so that I would remember what it was like to be a kid, when I had my own. Of course, back then I assumed I would be a parent.
> 
> And then I had kids and my whole perspective changed. I realize why my parents did what they did, the struggles they felt, the helplessness of not always knowing the right thing to say or do. Whoever said parenting isn't for cowards is so right.
> 
> It is certainly not for the faint of heart. _I find that many parents have a certain arrogance; it is almost as if they feel they know everything, just because they have a child.* It takes no talent or brains whatsoever to become a parent, only to be a decent one. *_ My brother has *no *children, but he likes to say "When you become a parent, you will understand." :rofl::rofl: My youngest bro believes spanking his girls and being too strict is necessary, but that is only because he is blindly following how we were brought up.
> 
> Don't get me wrong I'm a good mother. I do remember what it was like to be a kid and I keep that in mind but geesh it's still hard. I'm not even to the sex part yet and it's hard. LOL!! Almost every day I'm faced it seems with some new challenge and just when I think I've got it figured out they change.
> 
> I dated a man with an eleven year old son. This dad often embarrassed his son by scolding him in front of people. He was very self righteous about this, as all parents are when it comes their parenting style.  I told my then boyfriend that I would humiliate him in front of people, by bringing up something he did. You know what? He NEVER scolded that boy in the presence of others again. Children need to be corrected and disciplined; they do not need humiliation.


One of the cruelist ironies of parenting is that parents can do the most harm, when they are just trying to do good. Overly strict parents can end up having a distant relationship with their children or cause rebellion.


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## Mom6547

Mrs.G said:


> One of the cruelist ironies of parenting is that parents can do the most harm, when they are just trying to do good. Overly strict parents can end up having a distant relationship with their children or cause rebellion.


Overly permissive parents have the own risks. Moderation, intelligence, thoughtfulness. Caring, sympathy, love.


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## jimrich

Mom6547


> Enthusiastic agreement.


thanks!


> My parenting skill comes a bit from them, but mostly from studying, thinking and trying. And two kids who consistently test whether or not my ideas have merit. Sweet monkeys. I was going to say little monkey, but they are not so little anymore.


Beautiful! I am happy for you! Now I see why your avatar is upbeat and fun......  
Best wishes and happy parenting - wish I was your kid!


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## jimrich

re: mrs.G



> When I was a child, part of the reason I kept a journal was so that I would remember what it was like to be a kid, when I had my own. Of course, back then I assumed I would be a parent.


Has your journal helped you remember and if so, how?


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## Mrs.G

jimrich said:


> re: magnoiagal
> 
> 
> Has your journal helped you remember and if so, how?


That was me, dear.


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## Mrs.G

Mom6547 said:


> Overly permissive parents have the own risks. Moderation, intelligence, thoughtfulness. Caring, sympathy, love.


:iagree:


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## Mrs.G

jimrich said:


> re: mrs.G
> 
> 
> Has your journal helped you remember and if so, how?


I have left my journals at my parents house, in the basement, in a dusty box. They make me cry too much and I want to learn to smile more, since I am a happily married woman and not an abused child any longer. :smthumbup: I survived! Weee! 

You are also an adult, who is responsible for the rest of his life. It is not your fault that you have issues, but it is your fault if you allow them to ruin your life. 

The journals sound so desperate and sad. The anorexia journal is scary and I can see how grief was slowly driving me insane.


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## magnoliagal

Mrs. G my parents were in the "what not to do" category of parents. I still get why they did what they did though. Dysfunction travels through generations. They did what their parents did and their parents before them. I'm one of the few that have dared go a different way. I read parenting books, I am in therapy, I trust my instincts, I'm willing to make mistakes and apologize for them, learn from them and move on.

I'm painfully aware at how easily it is to mess up a kid from bad parenting.


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## jimrich

magnoliagal said:


> I'm painfully aware at how easily it is to mess up a kid from bad parenting.


Jim: Bless you for being one who might stop the patterns of hate, fear and abuse from infecting the next generation. :smthumbup:


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## madimoff

I'm not exactly hoping to be leapt upon from a great height for what I'm about to say, but I kind of accept it's likely to happen. 
It's one thing knowing you might not be parenting the best you can and recognising the things you've done wrong, are maybe still doing wrong and the manifestations within the child(ren) affected.... quite another to act on the ways you could change. Sure, recognising your fallibilities and foibles is a start and way better than denying them, but (don't you just hate that word) even knowing, for example, that your child is desperate for your attention and that alone possibly explains their bad behaviour, doesn't provide the whole package of answers as to how to remould your (plural) life. 
I know my child wants more of my time. I don't actually know, apart from letting the house go to rack and ruin and ignoring his homework requirments, how I can do enough about it. Baby steps - suggesting he helps with something I'm doing - achieve zilch. Playing a newly loved board game was the best we've had recently. How much and how often, I suppose I'm asking. Almost certainly a cop-out paragraph, but I'm definitely looking to change....... 
Oh, and to OP's question about parents' parenting? well my dad wasn't around after I was about 18 months - other than weekend visits, which he kept up most of my formative years. My mother kept me and her by digging, sowing, sewing, repairing, nursing, housekeeping, harvesting crops to sell, you name it........ and spent virtually no time with me. OMG. I know what it feels like yet I still do it.


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## Mom6547

madimoff said:


> I'm not exactly hoping to be leapt upon from a great height for what I'm about to say, but I kind of accept it's likely to happen.
> It's one thing knowing you might not be parenting the best you can and recognising the things you've done wrong, are maybe still doing wrong and the manifestations within the child(ren) affected.... quite another to act on the ways you could change. Sure, recognising your fallibilities and foibles is a start and way better than denying them, but (don't you just hate that word) even knowing, for example, that your child is desperate for your attention and that alone possibly explains their bad behaviour, doesn't provide the whole package of answers as to how to remould your (plural) life. I know my child wants more of my time. I don't actually know, apart from letting the house go to rack and ruin and ignoring his homework requirments, how I can do enough about it. Baby steps - suggesting he helps with something I'm doing - achieve zilch.


You know what I am guessing? You are demotivating yourself because of perceived failure. You feel bad, but your are paralyzed by a feeling that you cannot solve the problem.

Identifying the problem is definitely enough to start planning a solution. You just need to believe in your ability to solve it. 

Why is there so much housework that it prevents you from spending time with your children? Are you familiar with flylady.com?

I imagine you work outside the home. I recently began as well. There is definitely a lot less time. I have an attitude like I have 2 full time jobs, my main job, and chief family planning officer. 

I started doing flylady a few years ago. It has been working great. Instead of getting overwhelmed with the problem, you babystep your way to real habit changes. The babystepping DOES wind up working because you make permanent habit changes little by little. 

You so can solve this problem. Go, Madimoff, go. </pep talk>





> Playing a newly loved board game was the best we've had recently. How much and how often, I suppose I'm asking. Almost certainly a cop-out paragraph, but I'm definitely looking to change.......


It does not take a lot. Every single day, one half hour. Read a book. Play a game. One half hour of undivided attention. Then make sure there are limits on digital entertainment. Ask him or her to sit at the kitchen table and paint, color, use modelling clay , legos, word search... while you do the dishes. Even if he does not want to, he will hear that YOU want him to. 

Each weekend, plan at least a half a day of some kind of activity together, even if it is yard work. 



> Oh, and to OP's question about parents' parenting? well my dad wasn't around after I was about 18 months - other than weekend visits, which he kept up most of my formative years. My mother kept me and her by digging, sowing, sewing, repairing, nursing, housekeeping, harvesting crops to sell, you name it........ and spent virtually no time with me. OMG. I know what it feels like yet I still do it.


That is likely part of the problem. That time does not feel natural to you. It takes 28 days to make a habit. Force yourself to the habit for 28 days, then it will feel more natural. 

Go, Madimoff. You can do this.


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## Runs like Dog

Somewhere along the way women (yes mostly women), convinced themselves there was one and only one Perfect Way of the Parent. 

But there's not. My mom drank socially and smoked when she carried me. I'm not a cyclops. Somewhere in the late 70's or early 80's I think, women were sold a bill of goods that there nothing called 'adult life' anymore. The wives and husbands could no longer be wives and husbands. They had to be Parents, with a capital P. 

But children have their inner lives and grown ups have theirs. And they're different. If more moms chilled out in pregnancy, went dancing, had a Martini once in a while we'd all as a species be better off. 

There is no perfect way to rear your children. All there is is a bunch of different ways for them to resent you when you're paying their shrink $100/hr to complain about you.

All you can do is follow a few simple rules; love them, respect them, help them, don't beat them, don't shame them, don't terrorize, them, don't neglect them. Laugh at their jokes, if they're funny, play with them, tell them they're great. A stop trying to BE them.


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## CLucas976

:iagree:

exactly.


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## Mom6547

Runs like Dog said:


> All you can do is follow a few simple rules; love them, respect them, help them, don't beat them, don't shame them, don't terrorize, them, don't neglect them. Laugh at their jokes, if they're funny, play with them, tell them they're great. A stop trying to BE them.


I guess I disagree with this. Anything worth doing is worth doing thoughtfully. And nothing is more worth doing than raising your children right. There is no way to be a perfect parent, but you can be a ****ty parent. I think we owe it to our children to learn, think and do the very best job we can.


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## madimoff

Actually, Mom, I do try to have a shiny sink when I come down in the morning and am familiar with the 27-fling boogie!!!!!!!!!! 
On the other stuff, well yes you put it all very nicely and I know it's all possible, just have to pull the proverbial finger.
This afternoon/evening (we're ahead of you, probably!) we had the first time in absolutely ever that I haven't got cross with him, he hasn't got cross with me etc etc. Know what happened? He did all the homework yesterday that he was due to do - much hassle, much time but he did it. Today when I picked him up from his tennis lesson I was able to tell him that the dog kennel was built and awaiting him painting the inside (I know how much he's looked forward to doing any wall painting in ages). He had no homework because of yesterday's exertions so spent an age getting coated in white exterior paint, doing the inside of the new dog kennel brilliantly, I took a pic to text to his Dad, he had a bath he'd asked specially to have, and even eaten the rather healthy chicken/spinach/carrot/pea ensemble I'd concocted. I spent virtually no 'quality' time with him but didn't feel guilty, I admit, because I was around, had given him something he had wanted to do, and we both knew it was a good afternoon. notwithstanding all that, I know you're pointing in the right direction. thank you.


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## Runs like Dog

Mom6547 said:


> I guess I disagree with this. Anything worth doing is worth doing thoughtfully. And nothing is more worth doing than raising your children right. There is no way to be a perfect parent, but you can be a ****ty parent. I think we owe it to our children to learn, think and do the very best job we can.



Most of us here are the products of bad parenting. REALLY bad parenting. Like WTF were you thinking you wouldn't treat a dog like that, where were you raised in a Bosnian concentration camp, parenting.

But most people I suspect had fairly average albeit dull and normal childhoods. It's pretty hard to do a LOT of damage, your mom and dad have to be really committed to ****ing you up.


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## madimoff

Runs like Dog said:


> Most of us here are the products of bad parenting. REALLY bad parenting. Like WTF were you thinking you wouldn't treat a dog like that, where were you raised in a Bosnian concentration camp, parenting.
> 
> But most people I suspect had fairly average albeit dull and normal childhoods. It's pretty hard to do a LOT of damage, your mom and dad have to be really committed to ****ing you up.


Hey, don't forget those of us for whom even having a dad around to 4vck us up would (maybe I should say *may*, I might regret this.) have been better than having none..........


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## Runs like Dog

madimoff said:


> Hey, don't forget those of us for whom even having a dad around to 4vck us up would (maybe I should say *may*, I might regret this.) have been better than having none..........


That makes me sad.


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## Runs like Dog

I remember one therapy session in juvie where the shrink asked the group the usual 'what's the best day of the year for you...?' Me being me said "mom's birthday because she was too drunk to beat us". It wasn't true in my case but you can tell the way the corner of some kids eyes turn up, it was true enough for some.


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## Mom6547

Runs like Dog said:


> Most of us here are the products of bad parenting. REALLY bad parenting. Like WTF were you thinking you wouldn't treat a dog like that, where were you raised in a Bosnian concentration camp, parenting.
> 
> But most people I suspect had fairly average albeit dull and normal childhoods. It's pretty hard to do a LOT of damage, your mom and dad have to be really committed to ****ing you up.


I guess I am trying to do better than fail to do a bunch of damage! THEIR marriages, work life... depend on it.


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## Mom6547

Runs like Dog said:


> I remember one therapy session in juvie where the shrink asked the group the usual 'what's the best day of the year for you...?' Me being me said "mom's birthday because she was too drunk to beat us". It wasn't true in my case but you can tell the way the corner of some kids eyes turn up, it was true enough for some.


Wow, runs, I am sorry to hear that. 

My parents were awesome. And I still find much to improve upon.


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## Mom#2Bliss

My childhood wasn't a fairytale, but it was damn good. However, when I became 17 my mom started having seizures, and we soon learned she was a full blown alcoholic, and had been hiding her behavior behind the fact that she took seizure medication that made her "drowsy". Those next 5years were awful. My dad tried to do the best he could with us, and fortunately we were old enough to take care of ourselves. My mom after me threatening her with restraining orders, finally got help and is now almost 11 years sober. My relationship with my parents is amazing! They always let us make our own mistakes, and trusted us until we blew it. They gave us a loose reign to make our own decisions and gain our independence, but were there for us when we messed up, or got in to deep and couldn't get out. My parents and I now are the best of friends, and have an amazing relationship. Because my parents were so amazing when we were young, my brother and I told them everything! We were so open, and that doesn't mean they agreed with all we did, we definately got screamed at, but then they would always sit us down after they cooled off and discussed the issue. I couldn't ask for better parents. Now i'm a parent, and I try everyday to be the kind of parent my mom and dad were (sans alcoholism, I don't drink). I find myself a little more strict though, in today's society I can't just let my kids take off walking to the store when they are 8yrs old... it's not as safe as it once was. Plus my husband and I both work with convicted felons, so we are a little more cautious and over protective, knowing the creepers we supervise. 
Now my parents certainly weren't "our friends" when we were young they were still the authority figure by all means, but we just had a really open, honest relationship. The kind where when I first had sex at 17yrs old, I came home that night and told my mom. Of course her first question was did you use protection, but after that it was just a real honest conversation about how I felt about it, etc. My parents were and still are absolutely amazing!


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