# Need a mans opinion



## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

So Saturday night, my husband and I were sitting on the porch talking. Somehow the discussion of when we were dating came up. We talked about a two week breakup we'd gone through as teens. Been married for 10 years at this point. I was telling him during that break I had gone out with a group of friends..(I was pretty torn up about the breakup and they wanted to introduce me to another guy). I went along with it. They were terrible friends in hind sight and left me with a total stranger alone. This guy had basically cornered me behind a locked door and demanded I have sex with him. I guess you'd call that date rape? I didn't know there was a word for such at the time. So out of fear, I slept with him so he'd let me go. It didn't last long, but it was the worst two minutes of my life. Ran out crying of the house. I told my husband this because I think he got the impression it was something I wanted and did to piss him off at the time. I clarified what happened and told him I was sorry i was stupid enough to get myself in a dangerous situation. I shared my guilt and shame of the whole ordeal. Here's where it gets interesting. He then told me his big secret. He had sex with his stepdads ex's wife's daughter. I know it isn't blood, but he has a half brother through his stepdad. We weren't together at the time, so I don't particularly call it cheating. What has upset me is two years after their tryst, newly married and all..he moved us onto the ex wife's rental property where this girl was less than 500 feet from our apartment. She would come around and have lunch with me and try to be my friend knowing she screwed around with my husband in the past. I'm kinda hurt and disgusted since it's such a grey area. She's not blood, but it's still super weird it happened. Am I over reacting for being grossed out? He says he is absolutely mortified he did it, but I'm not sure I buy that since we lived so close to her.


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Not really over-reacting, no. It's your reaction. If it's natural, it is what it is. I don't see how living so close to her for a while has anything to do with him being mortified or not that he slept with her years ago.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Your reaction is founded in your belief-system. For you, she is not a person that you would take into your inner circle? I think I'd agree, she would seem like someone you would want to distance from, and your husband brought you into closeness, violating your boundaries.

I felt like this when my newly-wed wife kept contact and inviting her ex to family gatherings. Violated. Because in my belief-system, exes are EXes. Period. No contact, unless they are a co-parent to children.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Adalie31 said:


> He says he is absolutely mortified he did it, but I'm not sure I buy that since we lived so close to her.


Is he a liar? 

Do you suspect he wanted to continue to have sex with her, and THAT is why he moved you into her rental?

Did you share this with your bestest girlfriends, and are they causing you to doubt your husbands integrity now?

Are you going to stew over this, and slowly erode a good relationship into oblivion?

Despite both of you sleeping with others during your ''break'', he can't say a word about yours, but every motive and action of his over the past ten years is now up for reevaluation and reinterpretation. Does this sound like the future is bright?

Get help for your trauma, with a specialist in that area, and don't make your husband suffer for what someone else did.


----------



## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Is he a liar?
> 
> Do you suspect he wanted to continue to have sex with her, and THAT is why he moved you into her rental?
> 
> ...


No I haven't shared anything with my "girlfriends." I don't have any friends that I talk to on a regular basis or live nearby. I just want to know if my reaction was normal. I had no contact with any of my "exs". That guy was a stranger that took advantage. And I very much have had no contact with any dates that were consensual , but especially not him. I'm not upset he saw someone else. That was fair game. But with her...who we lived by newly married...that just rubs me the wrong way for some reason.


----------



## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

By the way, in today’s society and by law in a lot of places, historical rape can still be prosecuted. I hop those friends who left you with a predator are non existant in your life now. There’s a lot of things involved in the situation with the other woman, that being it was before you. What was the housing situation like where you lived at the time? Unfortunately you weren’t aware of what happened prior to your moving in. You did make some crappy decisions during your breakup, the worst was keeping it in for so long. I would work on boundaries and how they affect you now.

just my opinion, I do hope you and husband can get passed this.

OT


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My opinion? He should have kept his mouth shut. Nothing good was ever going to come out of telling you he had sex with her. Now it can’t be unsaid.


----------



## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

Oldtimer said:


> By the way, in today’s society and by law in a lot of places, historical rape can still be prosecuted. I hop those friends who left you with a predator are non existant in your life now.


They are absolutely out of my life. The guy has been charged by another female. He's registered by the state to disclose his address.


----------



## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

Openminded said:


> My opinion? He should have kept his mouth shut. Nothing good was ever going to come out of telling you he had sex with her. Now it can’t be unsaid.


Yep. I wish I had some sci-fi device to remove that whole conversation from my brain.


----------



## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

Oldtimer said:


> By the way, in today’s society and by law in a lot of places, historical rape can still be prosecuted. I hop those friends who left you with a predator are non existant in your life now. There’s a lot of things involved in the situation with the other woman, that being it was before you. What was the housing situation like where you lived at the time? Unfortunately you weren’t aware of what happened prior to your moving in. You did make some crappy decisions during your breakup, the worst was keeping it in for so long. I would work on boundaries and how they affect you now.
> 
> just my opinion, I do hope you and husband can get passed this.
> 
> OT


Yeah. I actually told him immediately after it happened. So he knew right away what that pig did to me. We reconciled and got back together after that incident. As for living situation, we lived in what basically was servants quarters to a big Victorian estate. She lived in the main house with her family. It was less than 500 feet. She'd come visit me because I worked from home at the time. I wish I knew before, because I never would have agreed to move there....Or associate with her.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Adalie31 said:


> I wish I knew before, because I never would have agreed to move there....Or associate with her.


In my mind, that made his decision to move you there unilateral. I think you should tell him that you feel utterly disrespected that he expected you to live there without being told about her.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Adalie31 said:


> Am I over reacting for being grossed out? He says he is absolutely mortified he did it, but I'm not sure I buy that since we lived so close to her.


This hasn't come up before now? Honestly, that's something that should have been talked about a long time ago, but regardless... 

What was your husband's reaction when you told him you were raped? That _is_ what it was. He really shouldn't have been mad about that at all. Concerned or protective, yes, but not mad at you. Regardless of whether it was consensual or not (it wasn't), he has no right to complain anyway since he consensually slept around. 

Your husband having sex with someone who is kinda-sorta family IS weird and would creep me out. He said he's mortified by it, and let's assume that's true. People make dumb choices. 

What he should NOT have done was lie about it (lying by omission is still lying), moved you onto their property, and have you interact with her without knowing she ****ed your husband. So no, you are not overreacting IMO. It's not so much that he had sex with her, but the deception that went along with it. 

I broke up with my wife several times while we were teenagers. There was a woman that I slept with but my wife didn't know her name. They ended up working together and through casual talking figured it out that way. Even THAT, which just happened by chance, was mortifying. What your husband did is just plain douchey, disrespectful, and wrong. 

What's done is done though. You have a right to feel whatever you feel, but don't hold onto it forever. Discuss it with him, ask questions if needed, talk about how it should have been handled instead, and move on. You may want to ask if there is anyone else... so there are no more surprises.


----------



## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

Update* He brought up how she smelled and looked while they were having sex into a conversation after a few days of my original post. He probably knew I was upset still..It was a conversation that had no relation to that incident. Mind you it was a negative comment about her, but still.. I told him to stop, and asked him to never repeat that **** to me again. We talked about it, and the conclusion was he thought I willingly slept with the guy, so he got "revenge" on me. He feels super guilty knowing now that the guy is a pedophile and did what he did to me. I think the negative comment about her was a piss poor attempt at showing either remorse or disgust with himself. It was a comparison comment.."you're so much prettier naked than her...you smell better" etc..It was still super weird and I told him to please stop, that's gross. I dont want my face to be in a permanent cringe. A few months have gone by and I've come to terms with it in my own way. To be honest I've come to laugh about it..it was years ago and the woman will literally run away from me if I see her in public. I think she's equally ashamed too, or just scared.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Adalie31 said:


> Update* He brought up how she smelled and looked while they were having sex into a conversation after a few days of my original post. He probably knew I was upset still..It was a conversation that had no relation to that incident. Mind you it was a negative comment about her, but still.. I told him to stop, and asked him to never repeat that **** to me again. We talked about it, and the conclusion was he thought I willingly slept with the guy, so he got "revenge" on me. He feels super guilty knowing now that the guy is a pedophile and did what he did to me. I think the negative comment about her was a piss poor attempt at showing either remorse or disgust with himself. It was a comparison comment.."you're so much prettier naked than her...you smell better" etc..It was still super weird and I told him to please stop, that's gross. I dont want my face to be in a permanent cringe. A few months have gone by and I've come to terms with it in my own way. To be honest I've come to laugh about it..it was years ago and the woman will literally run away from me if I see her in public. I think she's equally ashamed too, or just scared.


That's pretty complicated territory and if you haven't seen a therapist yet, each of you should, perhaps separately before doing something together. I can see stupid misinterpretations from all angles here, none of which can really be dismissed because they're reactive to real things that happened to each of you. You need to work through them.

As for wishing your husband had never told you about your "neighbor" and his prior tryst, perhaps he did so to improve accountability. His own accountability. Essentially sabotaging whatever desires he still might have. So it might be a good thing, not a bad thing.


----------



## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

Oh honey, that's why we can laugh about it now. We've seen a professional about that and our miscarriages. We've come to the conclusion it was years ago, a stupid decision made in a fit of jealousy. Later found out in therapy she purposely moved in to the main house and would taunt him as a form of blackmail. Which sounds exactly like her. Her mother told us she's mentally not right and that would explain her creepy voyeur behavior. Since going to therapy a lot of things have come to light. I was pissed when I wrote on here. I was so mad,I couldn't connect the dots. But im glad we worked it out. Talking about it on here helped me stay calm. Since talking about things, it makes a lot of since he quickly bought a house and moved us out of there as soon as we were financially ready. Still a bad time, and it's still gross and scary to think about for me, but im so glad she's gone and she hasn't bothered us since.


----------

