# Drawing Lines in the Sand....HELP!!!



## winstonwillie (Mar 18, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 9 years and it has been rocky the whole way.

I can not stand to live in apartments............I cannot stress that enough. I need to have a home with a yard. Bottom Line, end of discussion. I hope you now see how strong I feel about this subject.

My husband, on the other hand, would be completely happy living in a high rise studio apartment in New York City!!

We now live in North Carolina.

We are renting now, after moving here from Florida. We had a home in Florida, but lost it in the recession, so we cannot own a home any longer.

Our lease is up on June 1st. If we want to move we must give our 60 day notice to move on April 1st.

We have lived in this apartment for 4 years and I'm about to go nuts..............literally, I can't stand living like this!!

The only reason why I'm still in this apartment is that MY HUSBAND "promised" me twice that if I signed another years lease, then we'd move. Well, the first time I said "well OK", and signed a lease for another year! When the year was up, he wouldn't move...............said to give him another year, so like an idiot I gave in and again, he promised we'd move when the lease was up...............guess what, when it came time to start looking at homes to rent, he did everything in his power to sabotage any efforts at looking for a home to rent. He finally told me that he was not budging on this issue and since it's his money that is paying the rent, then I just needed to bite the bullet and do what he says!!! So, at that time I felt I had no choice but to sign another years lease.

Well, now to current time. Our lease is up in May, and I told him that no matter what we were moving into a home and I was writing our notice to move letter on April 1st. 

He has already started throwing in wrenches into this issue. He now says that maybe we need to leave the area since neither of us is thrilled with where we are living. He even went so far as to say that we could move closer to my family.....dangling that carrot.....when I know all along he won't do that!! He said that this was something we would need to really think about, so we better sign another years lease to give us time to think about what we want to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm soooooo angry about this I can hardly stand it !!!!

I am now at the point of divorcing him over this issues. He is not going to budge at all.

I don't know what to do. Do I:

Be blunt to him and tell him that if we do not move by June 1st, I'm leaving him...................

Do I:

Tell him that I will sign a "month to month" lease at $250.00 more rent per month..........until we find a place, giving him only three months to make a decision.........or

Do I:

Basically tell him that I'm warning him that if doesn't do this for me I can't be responsible for what I may do????

HELP!!!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You're problem isn't the apartment or even your husband.

Your problem is that you seem to have no voice in the matter due to income.

What is your employment situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

There has got to be so much more to this discussion....

So, you are stating that you would end your marriage over the type of building you live in?

There has to be so much more...

All things being equal. If you husband is a good provider, doesn't abuse you, is a good father(if there are kids) then I see the husband as the final decision maker in matters like this. He has the responsiblity to keep the family intact financially as well as emotionally. You are obviously making this a landmark, line the sand decision for him, that's sad.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Also, if most of his pay covers the rent, what does your pay cover?

If his pay is the rent, why haven't you been putting away money for a down payment?


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## winstonwillie (Mar 18, 2013)

We are both retired.

I haven't started collection my social security yet as we don't need the money now.

My husbands income is our sole support and it is more than enough to support us, SO, it is not the money.

My husband is one of the few men out there that "HATES" living in houses/homes!!! He really really hates living in them!!!

I, on the other hand hate living in apartments!!! 

So, we have this problem. 

I'm sick of constantly being the one to always give in to him. It is so old.

So, this is what is going on.

Am I forced to always give in to his desires simply because I have no income of my own..................if that is the case, what a horrible way to live.

My hobbies are: Gardening, decorating, quilting

I'm not allowed to paint this apartment. It is decorated just like "my husband" wants it. I have no say whatsoever in what it looks like. I can't do anything to it. 

Am, I wrong for thinking this way??


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

First of all, don't make threats that you aren't willing to follow though on.

If he has always been this way, then you are apparently married to a control freak.

Will he consider counseling?


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## winstonwillie (Mar 18, 2013)

My husband will not seek counseling. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him. He thinks it is me.

I've stayed in this marriage for financial reasons. If I could, I would have left him years ago.

He is a good provider, he is good to me in lots of ways.

He is a functioning alcoholic.......drinking from 9-12 different alcoholic beverages a day and doesn't act drunk in the least.

He is a sex addict, demanding sex all of the time, and if I don't comply, there is hell to pay.

I haven't had any support from family at all, so I don't have a way to leave without some financial support.

My husband has no savings, he lost it all when he lost his business, and our home.........do to bad decision making on his part.

I stay because if I were to leave somehow, and if I took early social security, $1,065.00 per month I couldn't live on that income.

I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my hands. I worked all of my life doing administrative secretarial duties......and worked for 8 hours a day doing computer work. I could no longer do that kind of work with my hands being what they are.

I can't file for divorce here in this state because there is a 2 year waiting period if one files for divorce....you must seperate for 1 year, then after that year your divorce will be final after another year. We could not live in the same home during this seperation period.....................I would be the one that would have to leave the home...........and how would I do that not being able to live on $1,065.00 per month.

So, that being said I decided to stay...thinking that if we could move to a house, at least then I could do things like gardening, maybe painting that I would like to do to keep my mind off my problems.

We have only one car. I've considered going back to work doing something where I didn't have to use my hands so much, but my husband won't puchase another car, and the bus service is awful here...........so I'm stuck that way.

My husband's income is $4,500 per month, so it is not like we couldn't afford to pay $1,200.00 per month in rent on a home.

But, heck no.........he is the boss!!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What does your H hate about throwing away his money into rent when he could be investing his money into owning a home which he could then sell and recoup all, if not more, than what he has paid into the investment?

Does he hate the idea of home maintenance? A condo would take care of that, except for repair items inside the home.

There is a lot more to this than you are realizing or including in your post. What are his reasonings for not owning a home?

Edited after I saw your post above:

His drinking is a problem.
His past failed investments in his business are causing him to shy away from further investments. There may even be a need to control things more tightly due to past failures.

Find a way to get a job. Maybe even with the property in which you rent. There must be some retail close by, possibly a school that needs cafeteria workers... Anything that would bring you enough money to purchase a car. Once you have your own car you can then broaden you job possibilities.

This time next year you could be in your own car and heading to a better paying job, living in your own home or working thing out with your H.

You cannot change him, you can only work on you taking control of your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

winstonwillie said:


> My husband will not seek counseling. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him. He thinks it is me.
> 
> I've stayed in this marriage for financial reasons. If I could, I would have left him years ago.
> 
> ...


Can you take your Social Security and put it into a savings account for yourself, so that you have something of yours for a rainy day, or would he feel the money should be shared?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Things may not be quiet as Black & White as they at first appear.

From what you have said you cannot stand living in apartments and your husband can not stand living in a house with a yard.

Why not see if you can find either a ground floor apartment with its own yard or if your ages are right what about a retirement community get a nice ground floor duplex (little or no maintenance nice communal grounds). Why don’t you do some research print off some brochures that you think you could live with that he might like or visa versa. 

If you are otherwise happy (from what you have said this may not be the case) it could be the right long term solution or if things are rocky it could give you both the breathing space you need to work on your relationship without the question of what type of home to have keep getting in the way.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

If he is retired it shouldn't matter you only have one car.What does he need a car everyday for? Tell him you are going to use the car even to get a part time job..and you are saving the money from that job to buy a second car...Then work full time after you have your own car and you should contribute some to the household living expenses but save the rest though.Yeah you may have to stay in an apartment for another year and 1/2 or 2 but you will be working towards having more options if you have your own car and a decent full time job and some money saved up. At that point you can reavaluate if you are really only staying for financial reasons because that wont be holding you there anymore.+ You will be closer to being able to draw your full SS benefits.Maybe also if you are taking control of your own life he may realize he may lose you if he doesn't stop being so manipulative and controlling .Hes acting that way because he can get away with it.Its obvious to me hes dug his heels in the sand on not renting a house even though he can afford it.And it cant be the upkeep on the home because you are talking about renting not buying.Renters aren't responsible for any of the major upkeep.(like plumbing/heating and air /roof/structure etc)...which I'm sure you (and he) know so I dont get why he would care that much..but I GET why you prefer a house with a yard..So if its not the expense (more for the rent /upkeep) whats his problem? "hate living in a house" ?Is it more like "hate letting you have what you want "?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Renters are still responsible for mowing, snow, etc. in a house but not an apartment. I think the condo or duplex idea sounds like a reasonable compromise if his reluctance is due to this. It would give him the same benefits of an apartment, but gives you a yard. 

It is less private than a single family home, of course.

If it has been 4 years since your foreclosure, you may also qualify to purchase a property if you also haven't had late payments on other stuff recently. Here's an idea: if you can qualify, you may be able to purchase a duplex or fourplex that would let the tenants pay off the mortgage as you go, and create an additional source of income. If you shop well and get an undervalued property, this can provide you a job (property management) AND give you some equity that will help you if you do divorce later on. You'd live in one unit, rent the others, and free up some of the money that he's paying to rent. Plus you get mad tax deductions from it. Keep it for the next 5-10 years, then you'll get some decent $$ when you sell if you've purchased wisely. 

Otherwise, you can do any of your choices that you already described. The month-to-month idea sounds like the only one that isn't hurtful and bullying, though. Still, you'll have to be prepared to leave him if you do this because one month will turn into two, will turn into as many as he can get away with. NOTE: In many states, your lease automatically converts to a month-to-month agreement for up to one year without you having to sign anything extra. Review your lease or talk to your landlord for information.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How long did the two of you live in the house before you lost it?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't have time to make a big long response to this, so I'll give you my 2 second take:

It sounds like you're a real b*tch....


Your husband doesn't like houses, you do. Figure out your priorities, and if it's that important to you, figure out a solution.

But if that's the "line in the sand" that you draw, then you're shallow and materialistic. If you can't be happy in an apartment, which is just a dwelling, and of infinitely higher standard than 90% of the living world, then I doubt you'll be happy in a house with a yard.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Renters are still responsible for mowing, snow, etc. in a house but not an apartment.


I understand but those cost are minimal.We have about 1/4 of an achre and if we paid someone to mow it would average (because in the cold season etc it doesn't need mowing) about $50 a month..If you invest in your own mower (which we have) depending on how long the mower lives that average goes down to maybe $10 a month...And we don't have to deal with the kind of snow that would require any monthly cost to keep clear.Besides she said its not the money.She said he makes (draws) $4500 a month and she was talking about paying 1,200 in rent.And eventually sounds like she can draw more than 1,000 month.Even if she draws now they could combined have an income of 5,500 a month.With that income 1,200 a month plus a few other expenses lets be liberal and say $100 a month is not to much to pay for the home you live in.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

COguy said:


> I don't have time to make a big long response to this, so I'll give you my 2 second take:
> 
> It sounds like you're a real b*tch....
> 
> ...


To me there is a difference in not being happy and not being completely miserable.She sounds miserable .She knows the difference in living in a house and an apartment.Maybe she wouldn't be delerioulsy happy but a lot less miserable.

And if she is a b***tch what does that make him?He leads her on (decieves her) that they can move next year if she will just sign another years lease making excuses why..then the time comes and he renigs on his promise.(sounds like he has done that for 4 years)That makes him "manipulative" and demanding sex or else she pays "hell" for it if she doesn't comply is controlling and demanding ..that's not exactly "nice" .Not to mention he drinks heavily every day.I'm sorry 9-12 drinks even if he manages not be stumbling slurring because he spreads that out.. she is dealing with someone who is under the constant influence of alcohol.

So he is a controlling manipulative demanding alcoholic.But she is shallow and materialistic because she wants to garden/and quilt /and live in a house not an apartment that she is "allowed' to paint and do a little decorating.yeah what a real b***tch.The poor guy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

COguy said:


> I don't have time to make a big long response to this, so I'll give you my 2 second take:
> 
> It sounds like you're a real b*tch....
> 
> ...


I think you're being wayyy too harsh, here CO! I was caught off guard by your post because you're so sensible that I was surprised you don't see where this is more than a house vs. apartment thing. 

This is a woman who feels duped and tricked for the last four years by someone who promises something that is vitally important to her. She has given him his way for four years based on putting the relationship first, only to find that four years later, he isn't doing the same. What is it that makes her a B here?





dallasapple said:


> I understand but those cost are minimal.We have about 1/4 of an achre and if we paid someone to mow it would average (because in the cold season etc it doesn't need mowing) about $50 a month..If you invest in your own mower (which we have) depending on how long the mower lives that average goes down to maybe $10 a month...And we don't have to deal with the kind of snow that would require any monthly cost to keep clear.Besides she said its not the money.She said he makes (draws) $4500 a month and she was talking about paying 1,200 in rent.And eventually sounds like she can draw more than 1,000 month.Even if she draws now they could combined have an income of 5,500 a month.With that income 1,200 a month plus a few other expenses lets be liberal and say $100 a month is not to much to pay for the home you live in.


I can't agree with you here, I'm afraid. Although everything you're saying is valid by itself, the "big picture" looks different to me. If they rent a house, they could pay someone $100 to mow the lawn twice each month, yes. And they could pay someone to shovel the snow as needed (they're in a cold climate) which might be 3 times a year or so. But then there's the tree trimming, edging, leaf-raking, broken limb removal, and so on that goes with the territory. There's also a quality of life issue. For her, a house provides the quality of life she wants. But to an apartment lover, a house makes it harder to make and see people on a regular basis. Some people thrive on superficial interactions with neighbors and such. This could play a role in it for him, too.

Personally, I'm with you and the OP on thinking he's being silly, but neither one of them is superior to the other and they're both passionate about what they want.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> If they rent a house, they could pay someone $100 to mow the lawn twice each month, yes.


If that IS the case then of course that is significant.I cant imagine that if they are in suburbia in a house only renting for 1200 a month.Sure if its more rural I could imagine that.But still if you count that it would be 1400 a month on an income of 4,500.That is not out of proportion .Renters in our city are not responsible for tree upkeep.Trees are considered an "asset" of the homeowners.They are a "selling point' (mature trees )...unlike "grass" I suppose..

anyway I keep thinking its a "moot point' because taken at her word she said his problem isnt the money.Money is HER problem though because it sounds like he controls it because she has "no income"..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> This is a woman who feels duped and tricked for the last four years by someone who promises something that is vitally important to her.


Right including "dangling carrots" making out like if she will just wait another year they can move closer to her family when I suspect he has not intentions of moving at all...that's mean.Ya know? Looking forward to that another year then he says hes not moving.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

winstonwillie said:


> We are both retired.


Bingo! There is the root of the problem.

Houses are a lot of work. Generally, the work involved in maintaining a house falls on the *husband*. 

No wonder you husband wants to stay in an apartment instead of getting a house. He is retired and no longer wants the hassles that go along with living in (and maintaining a house).

You see all the positives to living in a house.

He only sees the negatives.

Neither is looking at it for the other's viewpoint.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Bingo! There is the root of the problem.
> 
> Houses are a lot of work. Generally, the work involved in maintaining a house falls on the husband.
> 
> ...


I could see that but why doesn't he tell her that?Not only that there really isn't any "hassle" when you rent a house over renting an apartment that I can think of besides what has been discussed other than yard maintenance. I could even see that if she was talking about buying.You aren't responsible to replace things like flooring (carpet tile etc) unless you damaged them beyond normal wear and tear..You aren't responsible if the air or heating goes out..I don't think you are responsible even for a leaky faucet..Same as an apartment.Its not like buying a home where its ALLLL your responsibility I know I bought a house when I was 19 that was going on 26 years ago and I'm jealous sometimes of people who rent but for the fact he have ammassed a nice amount of equity and will own this home free and clear in our late 50's.And with refinancing our payment is LOW compared to what we could get for the same amount if we had to rent.

Anyway I dont get the big time hassle renting a house verses renting an apartment but for the yard .I could even understand the money but she said they can afford it and hes not talking about money..


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, to be honest, most of what we think is the problem is based on her statements. She hasn't said what HE says is the reason. The money for an apartment is also a lot less than to rent a house of equal size in many cases, so it could become a money issue, too. Who knows?


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

I hate living in apartments as well, but I wouldn't leave my husband over it. The other issues would be a problem for me though. I agree with others and think that this is not about the house versus apartment. If it TRULY is about that, then I would have to agree with those saying that you are being too materialistic.

You hate apartments. Your husband hates houses. Neither preference is right or wrong, but it isn't fair for you to force your preference on him anymore than it is fair for him to force his preference on you. Does it HAVE to be a house, or can you compromise and meet in the middle with something like a townhome?

Just my honest opinion.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Well, to be honest, most of what we think is the problem is based on her statements. She hasn't said what HE says is the reason. The money for an apartment is also a lot less than to rent a house of equal size in many cases, so it could become a money issue, too. Who knows?


Yeah she just said he "hates living in a house".Now I'm wondering since they owned the last one..that he is thinking of the responsibilities of owning a home?Including you either fix it your self or pay someone which would involve money and or being a handy man..+ then it all got taken away from him after all that and left a bad taste in his mouth.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

^ Yeah... I wouldn't be surprised if he has a fear of failure here. 

Other things cross my mind, too. I mentioned a couple above, but there's still another that occurs to me. They're both retired. He may feel like he has more options to change where they live if they stay in an apartment (more control) than if they rent a house where he feels more entrenched in a neighborhood.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

winstonwillie said:


> My husband has no savings, he lost it all when he lost his business, and our home.........do to bad decision making on his part.
> 
> I stay because if I were to leave somehow, and if I took early social security, $1,065.00 per month I couldn't live on that income.
> 
> I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my hands. I worked all of my life doing administrative secretarial duties......and worked for 8 hours a day doing computer work. I could no longer do that kind of work with my hands being what they are.


On top of the points Kathy and Dallas have made, I see some real money resentment on both sides. You blame him for losing the house and your savings (rightly or not). He likely blames you for not working or contributing any more (again, rightly or not). Add to it that he feels the responsibility for losing that money, and is likely gun shy about investing like that again.

I do wonder how much the sex and alcohol addiction are part of the stress of things. Not that he does not have issues, but rather is coping in unhealthy ways (drinking) and she is finding him unattractive right now (thus feeling like he wants too much sex). Has he always been like this?

_Edit_ - Thinking about this so more, I note the reference to your husband's savings and your (presumably joint) house. Do you have savings? Did he lose that? What contributions were made to the house? Both of you equally or did one contribute more than the other? How long have you not been working, and what are you able to contribute, both financially and in chores?


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

Another thing - You say he has a sex addiction. How often is he demanding it? I few times a day/week/month?


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## winstonwillie (Mar 18, 2013)

I'm the original poster.

When we married we purchased a nice home. It was in my husbands name as I was winding down from a bankruptcy.

My husband lost his business of 20 years and our home due to bad decision making on his part which he would never admit to.

When we had our home I did all of the yard work....mowing, landscaping/etc. as I love doing this kind of stuff.

My husband is a person who doesn't like to do any kind of home maintenance. If anything went wrong with the home, he hired the work done. 

My husband has really no other reason for not wanting to live in a home I'm convinced simply because it is something I want.
It's important to me and he wants no part of it.

I've told him I would compromise and live in a ground level townhome as long as it has somewhat of a fenced back yard so I can plant flowers, etc. We have a dog. We now live on the second floor of an apartment building and "I'M" the one who has to take the dog out to do his business all of the time. I'm tired of going up and down those blasted steps many times a day with this dog. I'd be willing to live on a ground floor level townhome. But my husband drew the line in the sand with that one and said he' "never" live in a ground floor unit!!!!

No matter what I do when it comes to what kind of a home I would like to live in, he will be against it.

As far as buying a place.....he absolutley will not under no circumstances purchase a home.

As far as me going to work. Well, I've not worked since we married 9 years ago. I brought up going to work to him a while back and he had a fit about it. Didn't want to have to take me to work.....doesn't want to be without a car while I go to work.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm being a *****, but why is it that he always gets "HIS" way, and because I have no income of my own.............I get nothing, no say about anything!!!

As far as the sex goes.......oh, don't even get me started.
He takes those funny little pills.............if I do no have sex with him whenever he wants (which is about every other day now....and that has just change from every single day) then he makes my life even more miserable..........so I comply.

This issue is yet just another piece of mess to add to the pile, and I'm so sick of this that this is why I'm writing about it, I'm just had it!!!!


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

> My husband lost his business of 20 years and our home due to bad decision making on his part which he would never admit to.


It's so nice to see how compassionate and understanding you are about this subject. /sarcasm

In business for 20 years? That's a pretty damn good track record. Yet, your focus is on a "bad financial decision" made at the end of that 20 year run. Talk about keeping everything in perspective. (again /sarcasm).



winstonwillie said:


> When we married we purchased a nice home. It was in my husbands name as I was winding down from a bankruptcy.


So, what you are saying is that you had made so many "bad financial decisions" you had to declare bankruptcy. And, he bailed you out by purchasing a house in his name.

How often do you remind him of that "bad financial decision" he made that cost you *your* house? Probably enough that the pain is burned deep in his mind. So now, every time he hears you say "I want to live in a house" that pain burns a little deeper.

But, you are right to keep after him. The "bad financial decision" you made that led to your bankruptcy was forgivable. The "bad financial decision" he made was unforgivable. /sarcasm


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The answer to your question is that he acts the way he does because he considers the money "my" money --- not "our" money. Therefore, he feels he can make the decisions.

If he's unwilling to change, then you have a decision to make.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

winstonwillie said:


> I'm the original poster.
> 
> When we married we purchased a nice home. It was in my husbands name as I was winding down from a bankruptcy.
> 
> ...


*Look, the two of you have a bunch of issues in your marriage. If any couple ever needed counseling, it's you two. *


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think you're being wayyy too harsh, here CO! I was caught off guard by your post because you're so sensible that I was surprised you don't see where this is more than a house vs. apartment thing.
> 
> This is a woman who feels duped and tricked for the last four years by someone who promises something that is vitally important to her. She has given him his way for four years based on putting the relationship first, only to find that four years later, he isn't doing the same. What is it that makes her a B here?


We all have our off days! I just skimmed through it and the first few paragraphs stuck out at me.

Of course I'm coming at this from a man's perspective. The "he doesn't do this that and the other thing" attitude, coupled with "I would only be happy if I got x,y, and z" sends the alarms ringing off in my head. It's an entitlement and victim mentality that I don't respect. And I'd be willing to bet if her husband had a thread on here it would read something like, "I work all day, provide for my wife, she won't stop nagging me."

If a house is so important, then get a job and buy it yourself. If it makes the difference between living a happy life and not, then make it happen. If it is worth ending your marriage over, don't let it stop you. If your husband lies to you, leads you on, drinks heavily, treats you poorly, then leave. Don't mope for years and years. Life doesn't just conform to our hopes and wishes, it becomes what we desire through force of action.

I was extremely harsh in what I wrote because I don't see any of this resolving without a slap in the face. To try to pin any of this on the husband is a waste of time. She knows he doesn't want to move, he makes excuses about it and leads her on, he's an alcoholic, he's not making any progress on what she has asked for. So knowing that, either stick around and accept it for what it is, or stop complaining and do something about it.

That's my man-take on things.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

winstonwillie said:


> My husband will not seek counseling. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him. He thinks it is me.
> 
> *I've stayed in this marriage for financial reasons. If I could, I would have left him years ago.*
> 
> ...


OMG after reading this, I take back what I wrote earlier, you aren't just a b*tch, you are a heartless gold digger too.

Poor guy works his A$$ off to provide for you, and you stick around just for the paycheck? Shame on every woman here who has consoled you and blamed your husband.

Why would you want to go to counseling with someone who is your wallet?

And to think that all of this would go away if you just bought a house. I feel sorry for the guy, he's going to spend all his money buying a home to invest in for your futures, only to realize his wife doesn't even want to be around him and is just there for the money.

It's disgusting. Get some character and tell your husband what you wrote so he can make an informed decision on how to live his life. He deserves to be with someone who loves him for who he is and not what he earns.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

winstonwillie said:


> As far as the sex goes.......oh, don't even get me started.
> He takes those funny little pills.............if I do no have sex with him whenever he wants (which is *about every other day* now....and that has just change from every single day) then he makes my life even more miserable..........so I comply.


This keeps getting better.

Yes, he is clearly a sex addict. Please tell him to come on the forum so we can give him some advice for his problem.

Don't worry, the men on TAM will make sure he gets good advice.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If you are unhappy, how about get a job? You say you are retired but that doesn't mean you can't earn supplemental income. You are obviously capable if you quilt (with carpal tunnel????) and garden and go up and down stairs all of the time.

OR you could "bloom where you are planted". Start a container garden on your deck. You say your husband isn't good at home maintenance - perhaps that's why he hates owning! 

And how about enjoy the fact he is sexually attracted to you? Sex even once a day isn't a 'sex addict'. He is merely a sexual person like most of us are.

List his good things and list his bad traits. Then beside the bad ones, think about ways you can still be happy with them. Attitude is everything!

Or it could be he is just as unhappy with you as you are with him and refuses to lock himself into property he would have to share with you.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

OP - I'm not sure if you really see what you're posting and how it's coming across as extremely self-centered.

He works, he pays the bills. He doesn't want the maintenance of a house/townhouse nor any additional financial burden.

Considering the blow to his pride at losing his business (which you don't seem to display much empathy here), he's likely going to err on the side of financial caution. 

Why not change your attitude towards this - talk about what happened, what you want and let go of the 'must have' attitude?

I am one of the few that doesn't see 'owning a home' as a must have to be happy and can recognize that it's very likely when hubby and I retire and get to an older age bracket that an apartment is probably going to be fairly practical.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> He works, he pays the bills. He doesn't want the maintenance of a house/townhouse nor any additional financial burden.


He doesn't work he is retired..

Having said that I do see the sort of bitterness OP..in your tone as to the house ya'll lost and his bad financial mistakes ..

Op? do you resent him?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

winstonwillie said:


> I'm the original poster.


Thanks for responding.



> When we married we purchased a nice home. It was in my husbands name as I was winding down from a bankruptcy.
> 
> My husband lost his business of 20 years and our home due to bad decision making on his part which he would never admit to.


But so did you. He bailed you out, but you seem very bitter about his making bad decisions. Did you thank him for what he did? Did you contribute anything financially? Do you point out his mistakes often?



> When we had our home I did all of the yard work....mowing, landscaping/etc. as I love doing this kind of stuff.


That is good.



> My husband is a person who doesn't like to do any kind of home maintenance. If anything went wrong with the home, he hired the work done.


But it is an expense, correct?



> My husband has really no other reason for not wanting to live in a home I'm convinced simply because it is something I want.
> It's important to me and he wants no part of it.


The problem here is that you are saying that what he wants has no importance, while what you want does. I don't know his reasoning, but your words dismiss his wants.



> I've told him I would compromise and live in a ground level townhome as long as it has somewhat of a fenced back yard so I can plant flowers, etc. We have a dog. We now live on the second floor of an apartment building and "I'M" the one who has to take the dog out to do his business all of the time. I'm tired of going up and down those blasted steps many times a day with this dog. I'd be willing to live on a ground floor level townhome. But my husband drew the line in the sand with that one and said he' "never" live in a ground floor unit!!!!


I do think this is a good attempt at a compromise. Does it address the maintenance issues that he has?



> No matter what I do when it comes to what kind of a home I would like to live in, he will be against it.
> 
> As far as buying a place.....he absolutley will not under no circumstances purchase a home.


Hearing some of the reasons why he might feel that way that have been given, do you think any apply?



> As far as me going to work. Well, I've not worked since we married 9 years ago. I brought up going to work to him a while back and he had a fit about it. Didn't want to have to take me to work.....doesn't want to be without a car while I go to work.


Then get a car, or take the bus.



> I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm being a *****, but why is it that he always gets "HIS" way, and because I have no income of my own.............I get nothing, no say about anything!!!


Consider that he thinks much the same. He works, helped you out after your bankruptcy, and is now reminded how he failed you. Your feelings are legitimate, but so are his.



> As far as the sex goes.......oh, don't even get me started.
> He takes those funny little pills.............if I do no have sex with him whenever he wants (which is about every other day now....and that has just change from every single day) then he makes my life even more miserable..........so I comply.
> 
> This issue is yet just another piece of mess to add to the pile, and I'm so sick of this that this is why I'm writing about it, I'm just had it!!!!


How was your sex life when you first started dating? How has it changed?


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

I am sorry, but I just can't get on board with you. You sound extremely self-centered. You stay with him, not because you love him, but because he is a paycheck. If you really feel that way you should have left long ago. 

He is horrible because he wants to have sex with his wife every other day, which by the way, is NOT sex addiction. It is called having a normal to high sex drive. I bet you had that much sex when your relationship first became physical. 

I apologize if this sounds harsh, but you are not the victim you would like everyone here to think you are.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> I am sorry, but I just can't get on board with you. You sound extremely self-centered. You stay with him, not because you love him, but because he is a paycheck. If you really feel that way you should have left long ago.
> 
> He is horrible because he wants to have sex with his wife every other day, which by the way, is NOT sex addiction. It is called having a normal to high sex drive. I bet you had that much sex when your relationship first became physical.
> 
> I apologize if this sounds harsh, but you are not the victim you would like everyone here to think you are.


If he is such a "pay check" why does she have no car if she wants to get a job ?Taking public transit when its not realistic to earn your own money is not a "pay check " honey..I dont know where you live or who you live with but where I live that's oppression.(when he makes 4,500 a month) then says where you will live..He brings in "gets" 4,500 a month but she would have to walk to work to have any money isn't a "pay check"..

You call that a "paycheck"?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> If he is such a "pay check" why does she have no car if she wants to get a job ?Taking public transit when its not realistic to earn your own money is not a "pay check " honey..I dont know where you live or who you live with but where I live that's oppression.(when he makes 4,500 a month) then says where you will live..He brings in "gets" 4,500 a month but she would have to walk to work to have any money isn't a "pay check"..
> 
> You call that a "paycheck"?


You and the OP live in an interesting world where marrying someone instantly entitles you to not have to work for everything that you need.

How did her husband get a car and a $4,500 a month job? Did he use his ex-wife's money and car? Or did he get off his own a$$ and earn it himself?

She IS using him as a paycheck, she's admitted it herself out of her own mouth.

People like you irk me to no other, you take advantage of hard working men and think that you are owed something. It shows what little you have to offer your partner, that you have to be paid to stay in the relationship.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> He is horrible because he wants to have sex with his wife every other day, which by the way, is NOT sex addiction.


How do you know?

Incredible..YOU decided that demanding sex or else every other day of a "wife " isn't sex addiction?


LOL!!....How cute...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> You and the OP live in an interesting world where marrying someone instantly entitles you to not have to work for everything that you need.


I have NO idea what you are talking about...



> How did her husband get a car and a $4,500 a month job? Did he use his ex-wife's money and car? Or did he get off his own a$$ and earn it himself?


I don't know how he got a car (I'm assuming he bought one) but the 4,500 a month income is SOCIAL SECURITY RETIREMENT you don't "work" to get it...Its retirement benefits from the government(from PREVIOUS years working)..Do you not know what that is? How old are you ?Do you know what "retired means"? It means you DON'T work usually because you got old.Then you collect SS from the government...Do you ...never mind ..if you don't get "retired" then I don't pretend to be able to teach you ..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> How did her husband get a car and a $4,500 a month job?


O.K..BREATH..Its not a "job" its retirement income..where you don't work and you get a CHECK...Have you heard of that?Did you even know that exist?

Before you judge the OP understand what retirement means...Please...


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You sound like you have it all together DA. Tell me, if the OP has the right idea and has it all together, why is she dead broke with no options other than to mooch off someone else, and her husband is fine on his own?

Also, thanks for teaching me about social security. Since you know so much about it, can you tell me how he makes $4,500 a month from social security when the maximum allowable benefit if you capped it out every year at 21 and retire at 66 is $2,500?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> O.K..BREATH..Its not a "job" its retirement income..where you don't work and you get a CHECK...Have you heard of that?Did you even know that exist?
> 
> Before you judge the OP understand what retirement means...Please...


Even if that is true (not sure it is, as I don't see where the money comes from), it is what he has earned. That social security comes from his having worked all those years. It is money that comes in from the work he did. Not from anything she did, but from his efforts (the same would apply to any retirement she draws as well)

As things stand, she does not bring in anything. Now, there may be good reasons, but she has no money coming in. She admits that she needs his paycheck.

I do hope the OP comes back to explain this a bit, as well as how their relationship started off and what resentment he might have as well. It may better explain the situation.


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

I am referring to her confession that she stays with him because of financial reasons and that fact that he provides for her. Obviously this man has issues, but she is no victim. He has been the sole earner for 9 years. I am sure she was happy with that when she was getting her way. If she wants a job, take the bus or the train. Stop whining about it and just do it. No public transit system is perfect, and yes it takes a long time, but it saves a car payment and gas. Millions of people do it every day for a variety of reasons. 

Also, I don't know where you live, but $4,500/month isn't some grand amount, even if that is net. They are a single income household. That is only $54,000 per year. With two people in this economy, that is just enough to live comfortably. Her saying that, “paying $1200 for a rental house is no big deal”, just goes to show how little she understands about finances. 



> You sound like you have it all together DA. Tell me, if the OP has the right idea and has it all together, why is she dead broke with no options other than to mooch off someone else, and her husband is fine on his own?
> 
> Also, thanks for teaching me about social security. Since you know so much about it, can you tell me how he makes $4,500 a month from social security when the maximum allowable benefit if you capped it out every year at 21 and retire at 66 is $2,500?



^What he said…maybe you should research what SS is before you go on rants about it. 

P.S.
Do you even know what sex addiction means? How about the word addiction? Expecting sex out of the person you married a mere 3-4 times/week isn’t an addiction. Getting upset/nasty whenever your spouse rejects you isn’t abnormal either.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

COguy said:


> You sound like you have it all together DA. Tell me, if the OP has the right idea and has it all together, why is she dead broke with no options other than to mooch off someone else, and her husband is fine on his own?
> 
> Also, thanks for teaching me about social security. Since you know so much about it, can you tell me how he makes $4,500 a month from social security when the maximum allowable benefit if you capped it out every year at 21 and retire at 66 is $2,500?





> You sound like you have it all together DA. Tell me, if the OP has the right idea and has it all together, why is she dead broke with no options other than to mooch off someone else, and her husband is fine on his own?


I don't know you need to ask her..but one thing I don't consider it "mooching" necessarily if one spouse makes money and the other doesn't..Not only is it not "mooching" but the other one doesn't get to "rule" ...

That is really sick thinking...and beyond "materialistic"..that' is more like buying a human..which I am repulsed by..but that is just me..I'm different ..


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Social Security or Pension - it's clear that there is a financial imbalance. 

Considering that they're looking at living a good deal longer on this fixed income and not knowing how inflation will affect them, I'm looking at a man who is making conservative fiscal choices and a wife who is stomping her feet and having a tantrum.

Get some nice window boxes or containers for outside your door, get some plants for indoors. That works for helping with the gardening fix. Look in to local coop farming spaces if its really a passion. There are other ways to satisfy your hobbies that don't include stressing the budget.

Oh, and if you're really only there for financial reasons, that's just wrong. Cruel and wrong.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

OP does your husband work and collect SS...You said retired..I took that litterally ..is he retired or not?Does he have multiple retirement?Or does he go to work..what gives on the 4,500..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEOh, and if you're really only there for financial reasons, that's just wrong. Cruel and wrong.][/QUOTE]

What is he there for then that's 
right"?Demanding sex from her? That she complies to?

Whatever...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTEOh, and if you're really only there for financial reasons, that's just wrong. Cruel and wrong.]


What is he there for then that's 
right"?Demanding sex from her? That she complies to?

Whatever...[/QUOTE]

Maybe he loves her? Or maybe he is just as bad as she is (or even worse). I have no idea. 

What we do know is that the OP has very clearly said she would leave but for the financials. She is staying with him for the money, and now is mad that he won't buy a house. I do find this troubling, even if the husband is behaving badly.


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## winstonwillie (Mar 18, 2013)

I'm the OP.

First of all, I had to file bankruptcy 10 years ago because of huge medical bills......not because I wasn't responsibe.

My husbands income comes from 1. Social Security...which is $1,500.00 per month. The rest comes from inheritance, and a pension from a previous job.

When we married, I quit a very good job in another state to move to where he lived. He told me at that time he did not want me to work. So, I agreed.

My husband purchased the home we lived in in another state because he "said he wanted to do this for me". I DID NOT ASK HIM IN ANY WAY TO PURCHASE ME A HOME.

My husband is an alcoholic who can not make up his mind to anything...........he changes his mind as the wind blows!! This is the alcoholic in him.

I made a huge mistake. We met through an online dating sight.
I did not know him hardly at all when we dated for about two months and we married.

We have nothing in common at all. Yes, I will say I have stayed because of financial reasons. I'm very sorry, but I do not want to live on the street, nor at my age am I willing to go to a shelter. Call me a *****, but I'm just not willing.

As far as the sex goes, it's been pretty bad for a long time. I have no say in this matter at all.

Basically, bottom line is I now believe that my hus3band bought me, and so therefore he thinks he owns me, so I have no say.

With the economy what is is right now, I'm darn afraid of waling out of here with just the clothes on my back. I'm 63 years old, how many companies (in this economy) are going to hire me at more than minimum wages??? A neighbor of ours (with a college degree) has been out of work for almost a year, and she is only 53!!

So, I stay.

As far as my husbands business goes.................he had a sluff job, honestly. He went to his business (he only one employee) at 10:00am and he came home at 3:00pm. He handled the money with business not well at all. The last two years we lived off savings because he couldn't let go of the business because of his ego. My husband could have tried harder, he could have worked more hours, he could have tried to go out and get business, instead of waiting for the business to come to him. But, no, he had to come home so he could start drinking.

And, as far as me nagging him about losing the business and the home...........are you kidding!!! I am not allowed to discuss any serious issue with home or I will pay hell! Just recently I've tried to talk to him about moving. I know better than to talk to him about serious issues. One time, and only one time I voiced a very slight opinion about how the business was handled.

I'm sorry, but I don't think it is just me, I do think he plays a role in this as well.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTEOh, and if you're really only there for financial reasons, that's just wrong. Cruel and wrong.]


What is he there for then that's 
right"?Demanding sex from her? That she complies to?

Whatever...[/QUOTE]

Has that been said? I don't recall the OP mentioning this? 

I recall that he is the financial support, that he takes care of the finances from the inception of their marriage. I will also state that OP shows a total lack of empathy at her husband losing his business of 20 years (whether is was or wasn't due to his 'bad decisions', that's a hard loss for ANYONE to bear).


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

winstonwillie said:


> I'm the OP.
> 
> First of all, I had to file bankruptcy 10 years ago because of huge medical bills......not because I wasn't responsibe.
> 
> ...


You have no friends or family that could give you a place to stay while you get back on your feet? 

I do understand the concerns. My parents had to shut down their business this past year after 30 years. My dad now drives a bus, mom works two part-time jobs. Does it suck? Yeah, it does but they do it anyways. 

You have a choice to stay or to leave. You are choosing to stay in a self-described prison and then complain that you don't like the locale? That's really your 'line in sand'? Not the drinking, not the sex but the lack of a house instead of an apartment?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

At 63, I don't expect that you'll change your paradigm of life. I consider it a real tragedy that you don't allow yourself to achieve your own dreams and desires due to fear of what may happen to you.

I also consider it a tragedy that this guy keeps supporting you thinking that you actually care about him, when in fact, you only stick around because of his money.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

winstonwillie said:


> My husband is an alcoholic who can not make up his mind to anything...........he changes his mind as the wind blows!! This is the alcoholic in him.
> 
> I made a huge mistake. We met through an online dating sight.
> I did not know him hardly at all when we dated for about two months and we married.


This is your core issue. Coming from a long line of alcoholics on both sides of my family, you have my sympathy. 

I'd rather die than live anywhere near people, let alone an apartment. So I understand that too. The dog - sheesh. Our dogs don't even wear collars most of the time and run free outside. 

Gardens are so much fun and rewarding. I get it. Looks to me like it is either leave him or remain in prison.


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> You have no friends or family that could give you a place to stay while you get back on your feet?
> 
> I do understand the concerns. My parents had to shut down their business this past year after 30 years. My dad now drives a bus, mom works two part-time jobs. Does it suck? Yeah, it does but they do it anyways.
> 
> You have a choice to stay or to leave. You are choosing to stay in a self-described prison and then complain that you don't like the locale? That's really your 'line in sand'? Not the drinking, not the sex but the lack of a house instead of an apartment?


Amen... :smthumbup:


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