# Was this really a "bad" idea?



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Neighbor from across the street - female - came over tonight and asked if my girls wanted to go swimming in their backyard; I really didn't think much about it - said OK; we aren't real close or anything - but it seemed reasonable and a nice gesture;

of course when the girls tell my wife (we're separated for 8 months) that we went swimming - she wants to talk to me; I talk to her and I'm honest about it; I sat outside the pool while the neighbor swam around with the kids and kind of talked to me a bit; her two older kids were in the house - not sure where the husband was - didn't ask;

I guess had a male neighbor asked my wife over to swim it would be weird;

I actually feel kind of bad about this - I really didn't think anything of it when she asked except that "yeah - the kids would like to swim"

am I being stupid about this? everything is so freaking amplified right now - its driving me up a wall; 

of course if I had my way, we wouldn't even be separated and my wife would have been home and could have taken the girls over herself; plus the girls spent the day with my wife at her apartment and no one even got out of their pajamas (another reason it seemed like a good idea - for them to get to DO something)

part of me thinks its kind of nice to think my wife might actually be a bit jealous about something too; was NOT my intention, but maybe a nice side effect;

getting so tired of this stuff...wish my wife thought half as much about what is right and wrong as I do...


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

It was a great idea, so don't allow your wife to bully you into feeling bad and second guessing yourself. Nothing you do is her concern anyway, so don't subject yourself to her scrutiny. If she doesn't want to talk about the kids, then stop her in her tracks and put her in her place. Stop thinking like her husband. She already took care of that.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

thanks - like I said, everything is just so turned upside down right now; I've continued - and will continue - to act like a married man until I'm not one;


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> thanks - like I said, everything is just so turned upside down right now; I've continued - and will continue - to act like a married man until I'm not one;


:iagree: with Susan, If you mean by not getting to a relationship
you act like a married man, that is probably good, give yourself some time to heal and discover what you want, if you mean you feel like you need to be accountable to the X, screw that, she gave up that right and as long as you arent making decisons that adversely affect the kids who cares what she thinks.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Thanks again for the support...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You did nothing wrong. I agree with the others.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think it's great. Guess I'm not sure what your concern is?

I think if you function more under the premise of being true to yourself, and less under being true to your marriage, this knot will have no choice but to work itself out.

Your wife is going to look for absolutely any and all leverage that she can to maintain her sense and scope of what she believes your relationship should be - which is fundamentally unbalanced.

If you hold this event over your own head, or worse, let your wife hold it over your head - you aren't making progress. You are actually taking steps backward. In my mind, that would be the really "bad" idea.

Just stop for a moment and do the math in your head of the litany of events that you have chosen to overlook or forgive in terms of your wife's behavior. And you feel guilty and are willing to entertain her incredulity that you simply hung out at the neighbor's house and watched your kids swim?

Do not even mildly acknowledge or tolerate any flack she tries to throw your way.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I think it's great. Guess I'm not sure what your concern is?
> 
> Do not even mildly acknowledge or tolerate any flack she tries to throw your way.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 

I also agree with all the people above. When my exH was leaving me for the OW, I wore my wedding ring to remind me I was married even if he didn't act like it. When divorce papers were filed I wore my ring on my right hand to remind me I was technically still married and to behave in a way I was proud of -- so I could look MYSELF in the eye. 

BUT whenever he tried to give me grief or guilt for going out to dinner or "did you go to that class to date someone?" I replied that we were separated and he had filed divorce papers and that my activities were no longer under his microscope--but that if he were willing to end his affair, go to intense personal therapy on his own, and agree to return to the marriage that I was still open to that possibility. Usually that stopped the scrutiny AND put the responsibility squarely where it belonged. 

YOUR CHILDREN were swimming. You sat. You did not flirt or fill a need for conversation for a married woman. This was about your children, their need for physical activity, and another human of the other gender happened to be in the vicinity. Your affection and loyalty was not offered or given to another. See the difference?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

But ... was she hot?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

no...not hot...

but the kids had a good time

wife might actually be jealous about that part as well - that someone else took some time to do something nice for and with our girls;


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## robdedgar (Jul 22, 2010)

Do it again next weekend. Or invite other single moms and their kids over for a bar b que. I bet your wife will rethink her seperation.


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