# My first anniversary



## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

Almost exactly one year ago (4:23PM, October 23, 2012) an email search led to my own personal D-Day. My story is here: 

need to talk (type)

I wanted to drop back in today and share where my wife and I are today.

First, I want to apologize to all of those who helped me through the most difficult time in my life for disappearing. I won't name you all individually, your names are all throughout my first thread, but I hope you know that I give you my eternal gratitude. Spending time on TAM brought up too many painful emotions that were getting in the way of my healing. I had to be selfish and focus on me and my family and I had to stay off of here.

My wife and I today are in a place we thought we'd never see again - In Love. Happy. Together. I knew deep in my heart we would get here, but it wasn't an easy road to get to this place.

The last year has been ....I can't really think of a word to describe it. We worked hard though. Hours and hours with our marriage counselor. Eons and eons at home talking for hours on end. Arguments, screaming matches, separate bedrooms, silent treatments. We "ended it for sure" at least twice. There were a lot of times we thought it just wasn't going to work. But we kept on trying.

The last I left you, I was unemployed, overweight and battling depression. I've been back to work since May, I'm healthier and fitter than I've been in 15 years and, thanks to modern medicine, my depression is under control. I look 20 years younger than my 50 years (ok, maybe 10).

My wife, is a completely different woman too. She had so much anger in her for so long, she took it out on everyone. Yelling and slamming things was how she communicated. I haven't heard or seen her act like that in a long time now. That person seems a distant memory. 

I wish I could print a guide to reconciliation that could help anyone who finds themselves in the situation I was in last year. It would be waaaay too long. We just decided we were going to fight for our marriage and are doing whatever we can to make it better. We instituted a monthly date night that we commit to no matter what. We've had some of our best nights (and one of the break ups) on date night. We TRY (we're still not perfect) to communicate our feelings as they happen and not let things build up. When things do go wrong, and that still happens frequently, we are able to recognize it and address it and move on. Things that before would have led to weeks and months of resentment are now just little blips.

We are still working very hard to make sure we don't fall into the same traps we did before. For the first time we are truly "partners" in marriage and not just husband and wife. That's an important concept that took me 27 years to understand.

We made love for the first time in almost two years in February. It was like we were both virgins again. Sex has always been an issue with us from the start. Now my wife, who was never a fan of sex is telling me we need to find the time to make love more often!

The OM tried contacting her about six months after the NC letter. I had kept open the "secret" email account so I was the one who got that email. I told her about it and she said ignore it like she was doing. Of course I couldn't do that and sent him a response. Neither of us has heard from him since. I'm sure we will again at some point, but I don't fear it as much as I used to.

TAM was an amazing resource to me when I really needed help. If there is anyone who is here for the first time, take time to read all of the responses you get and take the advice to heart. A lot of what you hear will be VERY difficult to digest. The people who are the most blunt and insulting are most likely the ones you should listen to the most. There's a lot of good advice here and everyone truly wants you to heal. Whether healing means reconciliation with your spouse or divorce, only time will tell. I'm hoping that my story will give a ray of hope to someone who needs it.

While we are both very happy, today is difficult for me. I just read through my entire thread and it was very emotional. I still struggle daily with the spectre of my wife's EA. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that that will never go away. The effects are less and less, but the thoughts and triggers are ALWAYS there. 

I've been asking my therapist, who I still see weekly, to help me get to forgiveness. I'm still not there yet. "How could you" still pops into my head a lot. The therapist asked me "Do you think forgiving yourself should be your first step toward forgiving your wife?". They really know how to mess with your head, don't they? 

So it's not over yet, but where I am and where WE are is a wonderful place to be.

SN


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I am so happy to see someone with a somewhat success story! So much sadness and bitterness around at times. 

I hope you find a way to get your last demons out. Congrats on making it much farther than most damaged couples do.


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