# Trying To Get Her There



## FriskyBusiness (Sep 29, 2018)

I have a unique situation I doubt any man would ever complain about. A little background I've been married for 35 years and am 55 years old. Yes, I was married young to the love of my life- who still is! We have 4 kids 2 sons and 2 daughters the oldest 3 are out of college and on their own with youngest still in. (Yes, our youngest was a surprise) So we are semi empty nesters. Now I've always had a high libido and my wife has always been accommodating. When we were young we had sex several times a week and the only real slow down was around the kids and their activities and when we were tired. Even through all that we always made time for each other.

Now my libido has always been high and now that the kids are not around I like to engage more often. Here is where things fall of the tracks just a little. Since my wife has went thru here change she is basically said it wouldn't matter if we ever had sex again. She just has no desire for sex and she does it simply for me. Now this makes me feel kind of guilty but I still have a high drive with no signs of letting up. She thinks this is something that will just pass and by the time I'm 60 or so I'll be over it. (Does not want to go on hormones) So yes I'm concerned. 

I started reading on TAM and there were some comments about a women's need for sex and the need to achieve orgasm. One of the posters comments was that if a women doesn't learn to orgasm then she will lose interest in sex and it may be just another chore. This makes perfect sense to me and herein lies the problem. I've asked my wife and she said she has never had one and that it doesn't matter to her. Now you are probably thinking I'm a selfish lover but that is not the case. I've flat out told her I want her to have one and will do whatever it takes. She just smirks and shrugs it off and says it doesn't matter.

I try to be the best lover I can and go the extra mile to make sure she enjoys it. The closest I've ever got her is with oral as she will actually breath deep and I do gets some sighs and subtle moans out of her, but no orgasm. I know she enjoys it but never desires it and it's always me that initiates. I know some say you need a vibrator to get them over to the top and when I've suggested something like that she gets offended and is absolutely against it. I think her goal is that I will eventually get over it and naturally lose interest in sex. My question is am I doomed here or is there something else I could try? I know an orgasm makes me feel like a million bucks and I'm sure it would for her. (Based on what other women have posted) Now she will not read any books or anything on this and is indifferent to it.

Again, I can't complain as she will take care of me but I feel like she thinks she is just doing her wifely duty and I want her to enjoy it as much as I do and I'm sure if I can get her to orgasm it may change things for her. Open to suggestions. 
Thanks FB


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am basically the same age and same point in life as you (but my kids are teens) and my wife has also reached menopause and is just accommodating me and trying to keep me in the house as well. 

However historically my wife was quite orgasmic and would often have a number of orgasms per session (sometimes as many as a dozen or more back before kids and we could go for hours :-D ) 

She can still have a much smaller orgasm now and she is pretty much "one and done." I am pretty sure that some of those are being faked now and other times she will just come out and say she is good and that she doesn't want to have one and doesn't want me putting in the effort to even try. 

So I guess my point to that is even though my wife used to be very orgasmic, she's not really a whole lot different than your wife now. 

We do have a variety of vibrators and gadgets and gizmos and every now and then (as in maybe a few times a year) she will be up for using a vibe to help her orgasm, but not very often and whereas she used to shake the rafters when she came, now it is basically just a subtle little grunt or moan or something. 

…….and like I said above, much of the time she doesn't even want one and doesn't want me to even try. 

So while I don't have any true answers to questions or dilemma, what I will offer from my own experience and that which I have read in these forums is that if you put any kind of pressure on her at all to orgasm or make her think you are disappointed if she doesn't - it will just make matters worse and make her enjoy the experience even less. 

It's really difficult for guys like us that want it to be a mutually exciting and enjoyable experience to accept this - but sometimes it's best to just take your handjob and be gracious and appreciative for that.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FriskyBusiness said:


> I still have a high drive with no signs of letting up. She thinks this is something that will just pass and by the time I'm 60 or so I'll be over it. (Does not want to go on hormones) So yes I'm concerned.
> 
> . I think her goal is that I will eventually get over it and naturally lose interest in sex.


This is kind of another topic in it's own right, but I think this is my wife's hope and goal as well. 

I think she is just marking time until I am too old to do anything. 

I realize that some day I will be too old to get it up and that some day I will be too old to actually be attractive enough to get anyone into bed. 

But for the time being, I am still as horny as a billy goat and I am showing no signs of losing any interest in sexuality or intimacy at all. I truly think I will be one of those dirty old men in the nursing home trying to get hand jobs and hummers from the little nurses aids in the nursing home :-O

My ability to attract partners and my ability to actually perform will probably fade long before my desire does..... if in fact my desire ever does fade.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Why wouldn’t she want to do everything to be intimate with you? That’s what you need to ask her. You are both getting older and who knows when something could happen to either of you.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FriskyBusiness said:


> I started reading on TAM and there were some comments about a women's need for sex and the need to achieve orgasm. One of the posters comments was that if a women doesn't learn to orgasm then she will lose interest in sex and it may be just another chore. This makes perfect sense to me and herein lies the problem. I've asked my wife and she said she has never had one and that it doesn't matter to her.


I think this is kind of a "Yes And No" type thing.

Yes, I think a vibrant, healthy, fertile, young woman of childbearing years is at strong risk of losing interest in sex with a partner that doesn't care about her enjoyment and satisfaction and makes no effort to satisfy her or is simply not capable of pleasing her. 

I do think it is a whole different ballgame for a post-menopausal woman that has lost her libido however. Especially if her partner is sincere in wanting to providing her with what she needs to maintain an intimate relationship at that stage of her life. 

To put it a little more succinctly, a 30 year old woman who's partner is selfish and doesn't care about her satisfaction is at great risk of leaving or cheating or finding someone else etc. 

But a 50+ year old, post menopausal woman who has lost her libido and really has no yearning or urge for orgasm and who's partner is sincere on trying to meet her current needs at this stage of her life is typically not at as much risk of her lack of orgasm being a big problem in the marriage. 

The fact that she is still there and still trying to accommodate your needs after 35 years IMHO is a good sign that her lack of orgasms is not a problem for her. It may be an issue for you and your own ego and your self-image as a man and a lover...…… but it probably is not an issue for her. 

But what could make it an issue for her is what I said in my first post - if you put pressure on her or if you get upset or disappointed in her for not orgasming, that will make it an issue for her and will cause problems.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Buy a Hitachi wand to use on her. If that doesn't get her there then I'm out of advice.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

FriskyBusiness said:


> She just has no desire for sex and she does it simply for me.
> she said she has never had one and that it doesn't matter to her.
> Now she will not read any books or anything on this and is indifferent to it.


It is very unfortunate, but you may be quite right, if you could do something to get her to orgasm, she might be much more interested.

But, your wife has "given up" on orgasms. It has probably been the source of a lot of pain throughout her life, she may have "tried" (albeit with a lack of knowledge) and "failed". She's discouraged, and is now avoiding the pain.

There's nothing you can do about this, except to be willing to cooperate with her on achieving it if, and when, she changes her mind.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Never had an orgasm--what a shame. You've made efforts. Wondering if she ever talked to her doctor about this--I bet not. Is there a religious background that contributes to her beliefs? Hitachi wand idea is excellent. If she ever has an orgasm, her life will be changed--as will yours.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The both of you should look into tantric classes...if your comfortable with it...if not you should look into the videos...it might help her but more importantly help the both of you connect.


----------



## FriskyBusiness (Sep 29, 2018)

I just want to make it clear I am not forcing her to do anything, she is not going kicking and screaming. I'm just trying to see what I can do so she can enjoy it more. Am I missing something to get her there, I've tried everything I know from a full body message to oral. (Which she likes) I think sometimes it is going to happen and it just doesn't. Yes, I know I have to be careful not to pressure her to have one. But, If she could orgasm I'm sure it would change things for her. I've read some stuff on the change that some women actually enjoy sex more after the change as they no longer worry about pregnancy and with the kids gone they are more relaxed which make it possible. We love each other and we're not breaking up but I certainly don't know how I would feel if she wouldn't be willing to take care of me. I know I would be frustrated for sure with a whole different post. Oldshirt... good advice but at least your's has experienced it so she knows what it is about. I wish I understood this stuff when I was younger when she was receptive I feel like I've got the deck stacked against me. But I don't want to give up yet!


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

FriskyBusiness said:


> One of the posters comments was that if a women doesn't learn to orgasm then she will lose interest in sex and it may be just another chore.


OMG - I've never read that on here. :surprise:

I don't orgasm through PIV, and I can say 100% that it has absolutely no negative impact on my interest in sex. It doesn't cause me to loose interest, and it doesn't cause me to see sex as a chore.

A passive man? That's a different story.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FriskyBusiness said:


> Oldshirt... good advice but at least your's has experienced it so she knows what it is about. !


Yeah but my point is that even though my wife was very orgasmic back in the day, she isn't really much different than your wife now that menopause has become part of the equation. 

I'm not sure that putting yourself through hoops and hurdles trying to get a menopausal woman to orgasm now is going to make that much positive change now and you run the risk of making things worse by putting pressure on her. 

and even if you don't mean to put pressure on her, she may feel pressured anyway because she knows it is something you are wanting her to do and that stress can make things even worse. 

And the fact that she hasn't been orgasming for the past 30+ years when she was young and fertile doesn't paint a good picture for trying to get her to have life changing orgasms now that she is post menopausal. 

There are likely other forms of connection and intimacy that will have more of a positive effect on her and your marriage than the pursuit of orgasms in someone that has supposedly never had them before.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

FriskyBusiness said:


> I'm just trying to see what I can do so she can enjoy it more.


You've basically gone on for 35 years making occasional attempts at trying to please her, but it sounds as though the only one getting most of the pleasure all these years has been you.

And you've been just FINE with that for 35 years because you've been being satisfied. Just keeping it real, here.

But now that she's told you menopause has completely wiped away her desire to have sex at all and she thinks very soon your libido will go away as well, you're suddenly *NOW *all about making sex more pleasurable for _her_ and trying so hard to give her that elusive orgasm?? Didn't you have the last 35 YEARS to achieve that? 

Again, just keeping it real, but the truth is that *her* pleasure was never a priority for you until now - and that's only because you're trying to insure that the gravy train doesn't stop for YOU. This has little to do with suddenly caring about HER pleasure and everything to do with making sure you continue to get yours. 

That is *so* unappealing, your sudden desperation to get her to climax NOW when it was just fine for 35 years when she wasn't. I hope she sees right through your sudden phony concern for 'her' pleasure. 

But good luck turning a post-menopausal woman into an orgasmic sex goddess. And if you resort to making her feel guilty or pressure her to do the hormone replacement therapy (HRT), then that would make you a weapons grade douche bag.


----------



## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Wait - did I read that right? You've been married 35 years and your wife has never had an orgasm? I'm trying to wrap my head around that concept and why that wasn't addressed decades earlier...


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

100% what the last two posters said... She has never had an orgasm in 35 years of marriage and now suddenly you are interested in trying? 

I am truly amazed that she had sex as much as she did when it was all about you for all these years.

Why was this issue not pursued like on month two of your marriage? It should have NEVER gone on for years, let alone decades.

All these years you have basically said without saying that her pleasure wasn't a priority. Every time you didn't push harder to try you were showing she wasn't worth it and/or you weren't interested enough to care. EVEN if she fought you, you should have persuaded and wooed and demonstrated anyway how much it would mean to you that she would have fun too.

It is going to be really really hard to convince her you are genuine now, and she may be so locked up she will never orgasm. I would recommend tantric sex, slow massages, etc, to get her to relax. But a magic wand would really be the best thing, in my opinion. It's nearly fail proof and maybe once she had one or two she would realize what she was missing and that she wasn't broken and she would be more willing to try to orgasm without aids. 

I know you said she was against it but I would purchase one, and just very slowly introduce it. My husband was against toys but I got one anyway and after he realized how much they could improve our sex life he is the first one to reach for them and now I'm the one who says we need a night off. lol.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FriskyBusiness said:


> Since my wife has went thru here change she is basically said it wouldn't matter if we ever had sex again. ... I've asked my wife and she said she has never had one and that it doesn't matter to her.


I have read similar accounts of a situation exactly like this but written from the female point of view. She eventually discovered that a Hitachi would do the trick and it would even make her squirt... awkwardly though it was an experience she still described as not being all that great or important to her. She went on to describe how she worried more about her husband feeling emasculated that only a vibrator could ever give her an orgasm, so for that reason she chose very rarely revisit the experience of an orgasm. 

While I don't want to mansplain your woman to you since I may not get it right... Sexual pleasure is not always about orgasm as it is sometimes more about various forms of validation. If your wife "accommodates" you, it can be very possible that she derives a great deal of physical and emotional pleasure of knowing that she makes you happy. There are also some tantric folks that strongly believe against ever having an orgasm and instead enjoy lovemaking that is subtle, slow and relaxed for the purpose of focusing on a strong emotional bond. 

My advice... try for a period of time to make love to your wife and forgo your own orgasm. Observe how she responds to that (she will likely get upset and/or confused) and observe how you respond as well. Forgoing orgasm can actually transmutate sexual energy into a prolonged state of euphoria and energy (as long as you are not focused on a goal and making yourself frustrated) Essentially this will be an exercise in failure, but it will perturb various failures that will actually help you learn to know each other better. If failure means you have an orgasm while trying not to have one, well it also makes failing at something rather fun!

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## FriskyBusiness (Sep 29, 2018)

Common really She's Got It & Curious, I question if you actually read my original post. Yeah I'll admit I like sex and always have--- I think that is pretty natural for most men out there and even some women. BUT--- I think you have misinterpreted something in my post, so let me back up a little. My wife and I get along great and have for over 35 years and we're best friends, we do lots of things together from hiking, biking, traveling, going to sporting events, watching movies together and spending time with the kids and soon to be Grandkids. When we are alone we rub/scratch each other's backs, I also rub her feet & legs (she's on them all day) and we flirt with hugs, kisses and pats on each other in a loving way--- and yes, we do enjoy our intimate time together. 

I think I worded my statement that she doesn't desire sex anymore incorrectly and that's my fault for what I didn't say. Yes, she told me after she went thru her change that she doesn't desire sex; but what I didn't tell you is we talked about it and she said she still enjoys the sexual intimacy she just doesn't get the itch/desire for sex anymore. (Yes, we have to use lube now) Yes, when I have the need she is accommodating--- but she's always been like that--- but that doesn't mean she didn't enjoy it. When she was younger and she did have desire it was kind of hidden until I got her revved up--- she was never a real initiator but she did on occasion. And NO I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work a grabs the chips & a beer and flops on the couch to watch sport all night and asking when dinner will be ready and then drag her off to the bedroom! 

Now as for her not having an orgasm I think it has to do with her personality as she is a high energy person always doing something and thinking about the next--- lots of nervous energy. She's always been like this despite all my efforts over the years to get her to slowdown and relax. So I think her personality keeps her from getting to the O. As I said with oral I can bring her to the edge and she just can't get to the next level. I can certainly tell she is enjoying it just by her reactions and sighs & moans. I think if I tried a vibrator or something similar it would be enough--- but she wanted nothing to do with that... so I never tried. (Which in retrospect--- I'm not sure that was the right decision, it may have been her reserved personality that didn't or couldn't say yes to it???)

She's told me having an O doesn't matter to her--- she says it's a guy thing and that it isn't as important. My contention is how can she say that if she never had one? Is this a defense mechanism/response just because she can't get there? Now in the past few months I've been researching this a bit on-line and just recently found TAM. (This on-line info wasn't around when I was young and if it was with four kids I wouldn't have had the time to look it up and read it--- we were a very active family) Now as I said earlier per some articles I've read some women enjoy sex, after the change, more as there is no fear of pregnancy and the kids are usually gone and life gets less busy and more relaxed. I assume this is true?

Reading some on TAM I've seen a few posts that indicate a woman needs to achieve an orgasm as much as a man which really makes sense. I also read on the internet that some women never O--- she is so close sometimes that I think it will happen--- and it just doesn't. For years I've wanted to get her there but I could only get her to the edge and trust me, I thought it was going to happen it just never did--- I swear it seemed so close.

I also want to clarify I never suggested she go on HRT, she brought it up and we discussed the risks and she decided it was not for her. I had no problem with it, her body her decision. (KY is our best friend now) As to the comment this should have been addressed long ago--- let's not forget there wasn't any internet back in the 80's/90's--- so this information was not readily available and wasn't something you discussed with a doctor. As for her saying that she figures I'll naturally go thru some form of male menopause by 60--- I think she thinks this is a natural process for men as well, maybe it is??? (Probably read it in Cosmo or something) I don't know what the next few years will bring or how my libido will be--- But reading on here I can see many are very active sexually well after 60--- so my guess is that will be me as long as she is receptive. Am I concerned; yes! --- As the last thing any HD partner wants to heae is their significant other is suddenly not interested. (I'm not a cheater and have no desire to be--- but I don't want things to just stop especially if a solution exists)

There are a bunch of posts on TAM complaining about sexless marriages--- so there are certainly men & women that their libido are still alive and well into their 60's and beyond. (Many say or give advice to just divorce--- really??? that is pretty crappy advice in my book) I'm just on here asking questions to do everything I can to make sex as pleasurable as I can for my wife. Again her physical and playful emotions are there but she says the biological ones are gone--- I'm just looking for any guidance from anyone who has experienced this situation to see if there is anything else that works. Thanks FB


----------



## FriskyBusiness (Sep 29, 2018)

Badsanta - Great post---I have actually done just that. No "O" myself and just focused on her. Yes she was a bit confused but I also got the sense she knew what I was up to in trying to focus on her to make the "O" happen. We talked about it later and she said that was fine but expected me to finish--- and that I shouldn't ever feel guilty about doing so. I've been frustrated by her not having an "O" but I don't show it as i know that bothers her. Googling this stuff on the internet has been interesting as I can see there are a lot of opinions and the diversity when it comes to sex. We are compatible--- we still enjoy it--- she just lost the desire. I'm just checking to make sure I have left no stone un-turned and maybe someone has a similar situation. Thanks FB


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You are lucky that she is still prepared to do it for you... unlike my wife. Just enjoy it and don't over-complicate things... :laugh:


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> 100% what the last two posters said... She has never had an orgasm in 35 years of marriage and now suddenly you are interested in trying?
> 
> I am truly amazed that she had sex as much as she did when it was all about you for all these years.
> 
> ...


Throwing this out there...the magic wand is not a panacea for everyone. My wife has minimal response to it (or anything else). By all means, OP should try it out, but he shouldn't pin all his hopes on it.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

FriskyBusiness said:


> Common really She's Got It & Curious, I question if you actually read my original post. Yeah I'll admit I like sex and always have--- I think that is pretty natural for most men out there and even some women. BUT--- I think you have misinterpreted something in my post, so let me back up a little. My wife and I get along great and have for over 35 years and we're best friends, we do lots of things together from hiking, biking, traveling, going to sporting events, watching movies together and spending time with the kids and soon to be Grandkids. When we are alone we rub/scratch each other's backs, I also rub her feet & legs (she's on them all day) and we flirt with hugs, kisses and pats on each other in a loving way--- and yes, we do enjoy our intimate time together.
> 
> I think I worded my statement that she doesn't desire sex anymore incorrectly and that's my fault for what I didn't say. Yes, she told me after she went thru her change that she doesn't desire sex; but what I didn't tell you is we talked about it and she said she still enjoys the sexual intimacy she just doesn't get the itch/desire for sex anymore. (Yes, we have to use lube now) Yes, when I have the need she is accommodating--- but she's always been like that--- but that doesn't mean she didn't enjoy it. When she was younger and she did have desire it was kind of hidden until I got her revved up--- she was never a real initiator but she did on occasion. And NO I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work a grabs the chips & a beer and flops on the couch to watch sport all night and asking when dinner will be ready and then drag her off to the bedroom!
> 
> ...


As a woman, I can't imagine going through my life without ever having experienced an orgasm. I do think that exciting sex without an orgasm is still exciting - but once one has experienced an orgasm, there's a strong reference point for getting there again.

As for the vaginal dryness and the low libido, this is fixable - IF a woman wants it. I can't imagine turning it down except if a woman thought "What's the point?" and convinced herself she's just fine and happy with the status quo. 

On one hand, I'm thinking, if it's not broke, for you, why fix it? Don't project off in the future out of fear of losing sex for yourself, just live in today. Just having an amazing loving partner like you've described is probably in the upper 10% of relationships. 

The degree to which gynos are addressing sexuality for women these days is truly far advanced. The little ways that things can be tweaked really make a difference. Estrogen vaginal cream, which is a very light bit of estrogen, resolves the dryness issue with regular use. A tad of a compound BIEST cream and a troche of some progesterone/testosterone (the estrogen MUST be balanced with progesterone, it can't be unopposed estrogen), creates a libido boost that is marvelous. 

I went from dryness and frustration to a guaranteed two+ orgasms per session by working very closely with a women's team that specializes in post-menopausal women. 

That said - again, I don't know what life would be like without the fireworks of an orgasm in my life. That doesn't mean your wife hasn't had a fantastic life with you in every other area and has enjoyed the pleasure that she has experienced. What a great gal.

Without her input, though, it's difficult to say what else to do. She doesn't sound like she is dissatisfied. Her libido and interest doesn't match yours. But she would have to WANT to reach for something. Since she's not voicing unhappiness, doesn't sound like anything different is going to happen.

I wonder what's keeping her from experiencing orgasm? An orgasm is a temporary vulnerability and loss of control of ones civility, so to speak. Not sure if that is something that plays into some women's psych.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Try some toys.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm inclined to think this has more to do with her psyche than anything else. I'm curious, do you know if she masturbated as a child, as an adult, or did she consider this taboo? Although I've never heard of something this extreme, many many women do have trouble achieving orgasm on a consistent basis. However, even when they don't, they still enjoy the sex. The same goes for women who cannot orgasm with PIV, they still enjoy penile penetration. So for many women, it doesn't seem to be absolutely, definitively, about the orgasm and I can understand her still enjoying sex because it pleases you.

I've got 5 years on you and my experience has been that women in our age group have a stronger drive, are more inclined to try new things, and want sex more often because they are more relaxed and have more freedom to do so. Your wife is definitely out of the norm in this regard.

I'm also inclined to agree with some others that maybe this is a bigger issue for you than for her. But then again, if she really has an expectation that you are going to "peter out" when you hit your sixties I think you might want to reset that. Age hasn't stopped me.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The OP hasn't been around since the beginning of October, guys.

He's been fine for 35 years with his wife not climaxing (not saying he didn't try, just saying he was fine with the fact that he knew she wasn't getting the same level of enjoyment he was for 35 YEARS and he was fine with it). He's only concerned *NOW* about trying to get her to orgasm because she's lost all interest in sex being post-menopausal and it's his hope if he gives her a real good time, she'll start being interested in sex again. This is all about self-preservation, all wrapped up in sugarcoated "I'm a good guy!" statements. Pfffft.

I didn't misunderstood his original post at all, as he claims. His intent is glaringly obvious.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The OP hasn't been around since the beginning of October, guys.
> 
> He's been fine for 35 years with his wife not climaxing (not saying he didn't try, just saying he was fine with the fact that he knew she wasn't getting the same level of enjoyment he was for 35 YEARS and he was fine with it). He's only concerned *NOW* about trying to get her to orgasm because she's lost all interest in sex being post-menopausal and it's his hope if he gives her a real good time, she'll start being interested in sex again. This is all about self-preservation, all wrapped up in sugarcoated "I'm a good guy!" statements. Pfffft.
> 
> I didn't misunderstood his original post at all, as he claims. His intent is glaringly obvious.


Wow, cannot believe that I missed that. Thanks for pointing out what looks to be a zombie...

But I have to ask guys, who think it would ever be OK that your partner did not have an orgasm for 35 years. Who would tolerate that, on either side. 

I will just never understand this stuff...


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

BluesPower said:


> Wow, cannot believe that I missed that. Thanks for pointing out what looks to be a zombie...


Same here. Need to remember to look at the date of the OP.


----------



## Olorin (Jun 5, 2016)

Well, I know the OP has not visited in quite a while, but for the benefit of others who may have a similar issue I too recommend the Hitachi, or something like it. If that toy does not work, there are other toys that are not vibration-based such as the the 'Satisfyer', which uses pulses of air to do the trick, and a toy called the 'Eroscillator', which is basically a glorified electric toothbrush with a variety of attachments intended to stimulate the clit. My wife experienced her first O with the Hitachi, and did not find the 'Satisfyer' very effective. We never tried the Eroscillator since the wand worked so well.

Also, I noticed the OP mentioned using KY jelly. Ugh. My wife is now post-menopausal, and when we need help with lube we use coconut oil. It's wonderful stuff indeed! Cheers.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

FriskyBusiness said:


> One of the posters comments was that if a women doesn't learn to orgasm then she will lose interest in sex and it may be just another chore.


Yes, that is very true, and please pay no attention to anyone who says differently. One woman who has not lost interest in sex doesn't make the statement untrue for all other women. I have had boyfriends who were inconsiderate in bed, which made me disinterested in having sex with them, and so I moved on. 

But this is the thing about your wife - she is a GODDESS! to have put up with you for 35 years. You should be kissing the ground she walks on.

And this is another thing - she is lying to you. Orgasm matters to her and always has mattered to her. She has never known the pleasure that sexual relations can - and should - be, so she never knew what she was missing. But I assure you, she missed it. Since it didn't happen, she gave up. The problem is that she had no idea what she needed and no idea how to articulate it to you. So again, she gave up. A good example is the woman who responded to you saying she never had a PIV orgasm, but that's only because she doesn't know how since she's never been with a man who knew how to give her one. A lot, if not most, women think they can't have vaginal orgasms, but they can. Since it never happened, they think they can't, so they gave up thinking it could happen and made themselves satisfied with other stimulation. If that woman ever had a vaginal orgasm, she would never have told you it doesn't matter because it would matter a great deal to her.

That's what happens when a woman doesn't receive what she needs, particularly inexperienced women. My first husband and I married very young and relatively inexperienced but throughout our brief 2-year marriage, I knew there was something missing. I just didn't know what it was. He didn't know how to make sex pleasurable for me and I didn't know either, so I had no idea how to teach him because I had never been taught. But I am the total opposite of your wife. There was no way I was going to stay married feeling like the purpose of my birth was to serve - or service - him. I felt like surely there is supposed to be something in this for me too. I know there are lots of women who make themselves happy just to be able to say they have a man. As you can see, I was never one of them. It is sad to think of all the many, many women throughout history who endured marriage like yours. It was expected up until 50 or 60 years ago. These days, it's just pathetic.

Before the internet, information was not widely available but there were books. A couple boyfriends of mine that were good lovers told me they had learned from older women. The thing about a young, inexperienced woman is she doesn't know what she needs a guy to do because she never had it done to her. She's too shy and afraid to express herself and being that she doesn't know how or what to teach him, she just gives up and begins to think that sex is just for men to enjoy. 

So, you both have lived your marriage at a disadvantage - you never had anyone teach you and never tried to find out, and, therefore, your wife never experienced a good lover. She just went through the motions for your sake.

And now here you are, after 35 years of marriage at the end of 2018, you suddenly want to learn something now that you are the one affected by your ignorance and inconsideration. At no point in 35 years did it occur to you to pick up a book or to get on the internet in the past 18 years (at least). I find that kind of selfishness distressful and while I feel for your poor wife, I wouldn't teach you a darned thing.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I'm reading how some of your respondents refer to your wife being post-menopausal as if she's all dried up and hopeless. I can't believe the things that some people say.

I am 59 years old, and my husband has VERY much been enjoying this stage of my life. Menopause is not the same for every woman. I have heard and read some women say that after menopause, they are not or are less interested in sex, but I've heard and read just as many woman say they are more orgasmic and experience a higher libido after menopause. So there's no way to predict your wife's ability to orgasm and enjoy intercourse just by what some of these men are telling you. I don't need and don't want any gadgets, supplements, or hormone therapy. I just want him and he loves it. Lots of women are just like me.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

FriskyBusiness said:


> Now as for her not having an orgasm I think it has to do with her personality as she is a high energy person always doing something and thinking about the next--- lots of nervous energy. She's always been like this despite all my efforts over the years to get her to slowdown and relax. So I think her personality keeps her from getting to the O. As I said with oral I can bring her to the edge and she just can't get to the next level. I can certainly tell she is enjoying it just by her reactions and sighs & moans. I think if I tried a vibrator or something similar it would be enough--- but she wanted nothing to do with that... so I never tried. (Which in retrospect--- I'm not sure that was the right decision, it may have been her reserved personality that didn't or couldn't say yes to it???)


Blame her for not having an orgasm? This has to be a new one. It's her personality. uh huh. Yep, she's the problem. 

Wow such a joke.

You don't know how to bring her to orgasm. Stop blaming her.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I know this is an old thread, but for any man reading this with a similar problem. Forget asking her about trying a vibe, she’s embarrassed dude! 

Buy the magic wand and some coconut oil. Have it plugged in tucked under the bed. The next time she seems to be getting close, put a little oil on her. Then, bring out the wand. I doubt many would refuse at this moment. That thing is fun for almost anyone IMO.

Take ACTION to find a way to please your woman. Never wait 35 years. NEVER.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Old thread, but....


FriskyBusiness said:


> Common really She's Got It & Curious, I question if you actually read my original post. Yeah I'll admit I like sex and always have--- I think that is pretty natural for most men out there and even some women. BUT--- I think you have misinterpreted something in my post, so let me back up a little. My wife and I get along great and have for over 35 years and we're best friends, we do lots of things together from hiking, biking, traveling, going to sporting events, watching movies together and spending time with the kids and soon to be Grandkids. When we are alone we rub/scratch each other's backs, I also rub her feet & legs (she's on them all day) and we flirt with hugs, kisses and pats on each other in a loving way--- and yes, we do enjoy our intimate time together.
> 
> I think I worded my statement that she doesn't desire sex anymore incorrectly and that's my fault for what I didn't say. Yes, she told me after she went thru her change that she doesn't desire sex; but what I didn't tell you is we talked about it and she said she still enjoys the sexual intimacy she just doesn't get the itch/desire for sex anymore. (Yes, we have to use lube now) Yes, when I have the need she is accommodating--- but she's always been like that--- but that doesn't mean she didn't enjoy it. When she was younger and she did have desire it was kind of hidden until I got her revved up--- she was never a real initiator but she did on occasion. And NO I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work a grabs the chips & a beer and flops on the couch to watch sport all night and asking when dinner will be ready and then drag her off to the bedroom!
> 
> ...


Having been in a similar but also different situation, I would like to share some thoughts. 70 years old, married 46+ years, wife 69 years old. I have been able to bring my wife to orgasm most times we have sex, so that is different.

For my wife to be able to orgasm takes a lot of effort on her part. She has to relax, be rested and then spend a lot of time clearing her mind of any thoughts or responsibilities. Usually she will lay her head on my chest and I will gently massage her neck and shoulders until she "melts" into relaxation. At that point sexual stimulation of her and foreplay can start. If anything jumps into her mind she can loose the mood. You might talk to your wife about her sexual response to find out more about sex from her perspective.

Next, your title "get her there" really is a bad sign. You can't change a partner, only they can change themselves and only if they want to. Ultimately, for your wife to orgasm, she is going to have to want that and make herself explore her own sexuality. It is nothing you can do for her or force her to do. There are lots of books out there written for young women on how to learn enough about their body and responses to reach orgasm. The books usually suggest self discovery (masturbation---which turns some women off) and use of a vibrator, hence a lot of comments about a Hitachi Magic Wand. 

I will echo a comment about now after 35 years and her sex drive dropping is when you finally want her to orgasm. Well, it is a bit late in the game to become such a caring lover, isn't it? Your motivation about your own sex life is probably pretty obvious and not all that helpful to what you would like. That doesn't sound like a way to motivate her at all.

I was in a sex starved marriage about 8 years ago, ready to divorce my wife and then started reading relationship books and worked on changing who I was. While I can't change my spouse, I can change myself, the way my spouse looks at me, what treatment I will accept or not, and how I treat my spouse.

Some of the books that helped me and may or may not help you change yourself, were Chapman's 5 Languages of Love, MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage, Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, Schnarch's the Crucible & Passionate Marriage. We also got marriage counseling with a board certified Sex Therapist. The ST gave us homework assignments which included Sensate Focus exercises and readings. We also did a Gottmans' Art & Science of Love weekend. Did it turn my wife into a sex goddess? Nope, but it helped us negotiate something we could live with and flourish as a couple.

Recently we have been reading David Schnarch's book Desire & Intimacy together. Great book, a much different approach and something my wife has bought in on so far. Schnarch says that the Low Desire partner in everything tends to control the frequency of what is desired (sex, watching Sunday football, fish for dinner, # of children, amount of vacation a year, etc.). The LD partner also controls the feeling of adequacy of the HD partner. He also points out that desire is related to your 4 points of balance and you have to work on them as your marriage progresses or else sex problems happen. It is only though emotionally uncomfortable growth and self confrontation that you can emotionally grow so that you are a better lover and more in tune with your partner.

The good news is that after 35 years you are now at least looking yourself in the mirror and seeing some inadequacies. The bad news is that you haven't yet figured out what you need to do to yourself to change your situation.

Good luck to you and your wife.


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Bloody hell, ain't this #MeToo era a thing? Poor little woman misses out on orgasms her whole life, and it's all hubby's fault. Why, what a sainted martyr she must be to have put up with him wanting all that sex all these years with nary a cross word! 

Zero responsibility for figuring out & communicating how her own damn body works or managing her own obsessive task-oriented thinking, of course. Just blame the man--first, for not manfully overriding her clearly expressed complacency in the matter, and then for the sheer temerity of wanting to continue an active sex life under radically changed circumstances. 

She's Still Got Vitriol's eagerly venomous response was precisely as expected; reading the other respondents, I almost thought jld had returned too, with another of her smug, stultifying manifestos in which every last failing or shortfall in a woman's existence could be reliably traced to the inadequacy of some man not named either Dug or David Deida. 

Just brilliant stuff. OP, if you ever come back, make sure you both understand that the women's HRT scare arose from synthetic hormones taken in isolation and was hyped with the usual mass media-idiot misunderstanding of relative vs absolute risk...and that bioidentical hormones given in proper balance (estrogen with progesterone) are a different scenario altogether.


----------

