# I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out



## married2012

Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again. My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?


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## souling107

What happened is in the past. I think your husband would have to accept that it is in the past, have the ability to forgive you and the incident, and be willing to give your marriage a chance in order to move on with the marriage. You have done all you can and it is now up to him.


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## BeachGuy

I'm confused....you were dating your now-husband when he asked you to go out with a friend of his?

How long had ya'll been dating?


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## InlandTXMM

souling107 said:


> What happened is in the past. I think your husband would have to accept that it is in the past, have the ability to forgive you and the incident, and be willing to give your marriage a chance in order to move on with the marriage. You have done all you can and it is now up to him.


Oh no. For the wife and her OM, it is in the past. Believe me, for the husband, this feels like it just happened.

Time doesn't erase the initial shock of betrayal. Please also remember, this was the woman he loved AND HIS FRIEND.

I would, as a BS, do my best to reconcile, but do NOT minimize what the husband is feeling. He just had his world rocked to its core.


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## Summer4744

Married. If you had told him right after it happened he may have gotten over it. But now it is so much harder. Being a model wife means nothing to him because he loved you under false pretenses. 

To be cuckolded by the one you love the most and a best friend? Let me ask you, what do you expect from your husband?


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## barbados

married2012 said:


> My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night.


Wow, some friend. Why did the "friend" tell him now ?


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## married2012

BeachGuy said:


> I'm confused....you were dating your now-husband when he asked you to go out with a friend of his?
> 
> How long had ya'll been dating?


We had only been dating a few months, his friend had been in town for a while and he was bored- my husband and I were living in different states at the time, it was about 6 months later that we decided I would move to his state and we would live together.


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## unbelievable

You were dating, not married, and that's been over 6 years ago. You had only just started dating. Did he have some reason to believe you were something other than single at the time this happened? He asked you to go out with this man. Sound like the action of a man who had something he considered his and that he wanted to protect? He dated you for 6 1/2 years before marrying you, so it doesn't sound like his burners were on fire to get married to you anyway. I'm thinking this alleged indiscretion 6 years ago is more of a convenient excuse to bail from an arrangement he probably wasn't all that excited about, anyway. If he were thrilled and content in his marriage today, if you had swung on a pole buck naked 6 years ago it wouldn't be a deal breaker.


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## SoulStorm

Infidelity is a soul killer. You have had 7 years to deal with your betrayal. He has just found out a few months ago. To him it's new.

You have not done all you can do yet. Recovery from infidelity can take years to overcome.
He trusted you and his friend and you both betrayed him. he cannot just rugsweep that and bury it in just a few months.

Right now, he doesn't know who you are?
He doesn't know if you are the "good girlfriend" or "good wife" you have been..or the betrayer that you were.

This is going to take a lot of time for him to forgive and you kept it a secret for 7 years. He is wondering what else you have been keeping secret.
He is also wondering if there has been more betrayal with others or with the friend on more than one occasion.
Trust is one thing a marriage needs to survive, if it's not there....the marriage has a very weak chance of surviving.

You are going to have to work for that, and you are going to have to work for it and expect it may not still work out.

This is about how much you want this to recover and convincing him it was a bad choice..not mistake. A mistake is putting your underwear on backwards..you chose to cheat.

he has to deal with all the decisions you made to betray him. From the point of thinking about it, undressing to do it and the very act without stopping it and thinking about him.
These thoughts will be with him constantly.


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## InlandTXMM

He married you and has lived with you in a life that was built on a lie. For all his faults (nice gaslighting, BTW), you let him believe you were someone you were not. You led him down a path and didn't even have the decency to tell him yourself.

Your tears of apology are not sincere to him, because you only confessed after his friend outed your fling. You are sorry you got exposed, not sorry you cheated.


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## married2012

michzz said:


> I agree, do not trivialize the impact this has on him just because for you it was a drunken mistake six years ago while dating.
> 
> Your comment about what he has put you through seems dismissive and defensive. Not the time to express that to him, BTW.
> 
> He is hurt and feels betrayed even if it happened before you took wedding vows with him.
> 
> So how do you fix this?
> 
> It will take more than a one-time apology. I suggest marriage counseling.
> 
> I'm puzzled though as to why this so-called "friend" decided now to tell him.
> 
> Have you been in contact with this "friend" over the years?


I am being defensive I will admit that- trust me I'm so sorry for what happened.
I have no idea why he decided to tell him, he is engaged now and we all hung out occasionally but not very often, I guess he was drunk and decided he felt guilty???? 

I have suggested marriage counseling, we went before we got married and he will never go back, he hated it!!


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## tacoma

barbados said:


> Wow, some friend. Why did the "friend" tell him now ?


That is odd, should have told him prior to marriage if he had any sense of justice at all.

Why wait until right after they tie the knot?
The friend is odd.

OP, really all you can do is try to get him to an MC if he'll go.


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## wiigirl

tacoma said:


> That is odd, should have told him prior to marriage if he had any sense of justice at all.
> 
> Why wait until right after they tie the knot?
> The friend is odd.
> 
> OP, really all you can do is try to get him to an MC if he'll go.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory

Well, I have to tell you that on a scale of cheating severity, there have been a lot worse situations where successful R's occurred.

That said, you were dishonest and that's likely the worst part for your husband. I don't know how many times we advise cheating spouses to confess, for this very reason. It's much worse when they find out from someone else or on their own.

I don't think you are, but don't minimize the devastating effect this has on your husband. Read what I'm posting below and keep posting for support:

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernible pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counseling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


----------



## Chris Taylor

Sorry, but I can't get worked up on this one.

They had been "dating" for only a few months and were long distance at that. Unless there was explicit exclusivity agreed upon here (OP, was there?), then her husband should have more issue with his "friend" than with her. 

If this happened before exclusivity, then her sex life before then isn't his business. Comments like "marriage built on a lie" and "loved you under false pretenses" are off-base unless they were an exclusive couple when this happened.

However, OP has o address her husbands feelings, whether justified or not, as he has a right to feel anyway he wants.


----------



## tacoma

Yeah, you're going to have to take some action that shows him your sincerity because right now he's seriously doubting you are capable of it.


----------



## tacoma

Chris Taylor said:


> Sorry, but I can't get worked up on this one.


I'm in agreement mostly.

My only problem with this is it was with a friend of his which is bad enough but the fact that they are still friends and see each other socially makes it a bit of living a lie.

Right in front of him, for years, like he was some kind of fool.

It's not as simple as not being exclusive when it happened.



> However, OP has o address her husbands feelings, whether justified or not, as he has a right to feel anyway he wants.


I think I just made a good case for her husbands feelings being justifiable.

This isn't as repairable as some might think.
I'd be done with her and him, hope OP's H isn't like me.


----------



## married2012

Thank You, I will read that over and over again.
I am truly sorry for what I did, there is no excuse, I made a horrible mistake and I just wanted to pretend that it never happened, and honestly that's what I had done, I lied about it for so long I think I actually believed my lie. I


----------



## Lordhavok

If she was truly remorsefull about it she would have said something right after it happend instead of leading him into a relationship built on lies and deceit.


----------



## married2012

Chris Taylor said:


> Sorry, but I can't get worked up on this one.
> 
> They had been "dating" for only a few months and were long distance at that. Unless there was explicit exclusivity agreed upon here (OP, was there?), then her husband should have more issue with his "friend" than with her.
> 
> If this happened before exclusivity, then her sex life before then isn't his business. Comments like "marriage built on a lie" and "loved you under false pretenses" are off-base unless they were an exclusive couple when this happened.
> 
> However, OP has o address her husbands feelings, whether justified or not, as he has a right to feel anyway he wants.


I don think we really had an agreement on anything, we were just dating and living in separate states, I'm not sure what we were at the time. However I did lie, and yes I am addressing his feelings but I do love him at the time when this happened I cant say weather I did or not, I liked him a lot though, I just don't know if at the time I loved him. Again we had only been dating for a few months, actually I think I was still seeing other people at the time and yes he knew about that.


----------



## tacoma

married2012 said:


> I am truly sorry for what I did, there is no excuse, I made a horrible mistake and I just wanted to pretend that it never happened, and honestly that's what I had done,....


You absolutely have to stop doing this now.
Doing this now will destroy any chance you might have of keeping him.

If he does talk to you, asks you about it, tell him, tell him everything he asks to hear even if you know it'll rip his heart out.

Do not lie to him, do not "trickle-truth" him, these things will show him immediately you aren't remorseful.

OWN IT, own every ****ty piece of it.

Is he speaking to you?
Is he still around you?


----------



## married2012

Yes he speaking to me, we are still living in the same house, he said he loves me he is just really really hurt and does not know what to do.


----------



## badbane

Yea you were not married. However the fact you didn't have the guts to tell him the truth makes him feel like everything is a lie. Since you were not married at the time it really isn't the end of the world. He is feeling that he would probably not have been with you nor would he have continued dating you. He is probably thinking of all the women he passed on to be with you. He is trying to go back and reassess every choice he made regarding you. This is a very bad situation. Withholding the truth has never helped anyone. What you did was selfish. then witholding that information for 7 years was even more selfish. I hope that he will recover and you two can reconcile. But your marriage was based on a lie dear. And you better do everything in your power to show him that you everything you have done from that point onward wasn't because you got away with cheating.


----------



## Theseus

Summer4744 said:


> Married. If you had told him right after it happened he may have gotten over it. But now it is so much harder. Being a model wife means nothing to him because he loved you under false pretenses.
> 
> To be cuckolded by the one you love the most and a best friend? Let me ask you, what do you expect from your husband?


I think some of the reactions here are ridiculous, like the above. He wasn't "cuckolded". *They weren't married.* They were only dating, living in separate states, and had no agreement on exclusivity.

And Badmemory, I also don't think it's helpful to copy and paste long tracts about "adultery" when it doesn't apply to this situation.


----------



## InlandTXMM

Chris Taylor said:


> Sorry, but I can't get worked up on this one.
> 
> They had been "dating" for only a few months and were long distance at that. Unless there was explicit exclusivity agreed upon here (OP, was there?), then her husband should have more issue with his "friend" than with her.
> 
> If this happened before exclusivity, then her sex life before then isn't his business. Comments like "marriage built on a lie" and "loved you under false pretenses" are off-base unless they were an exclusive couple when this happened.
> 
> However, OP has o address her husbands feelings, whether justified or not, as he has a right to feel anyway he wants.


Chris, it's not the fling so much as the cover-up. This was YEARS ago. She kept it hidden and let this "friend" wreak havoc on the relationship. 

It isn't that she slept around while they dated that is the issue. It is that she buried it.

In the least, she might have warned him what kind of friend her hubby really has.


----------



## tacoma

married2012 said:


> Yes he speaking to me, we are still living in the same house, he said he loves me he is just really really hurt and does not know what to do.


You're in a pretty good position all things considered.

Ok, he won't go to MC, hell I wouldn't either.

All you can really do is let him know you want him and love him and you're sorry.

Answer any and all questions honestly ALWAYS.

Hide nothing, give him access to anything he needs as far as your phone,email, whatever.
I realize this infidelity is in the past but it's going to make him insecure, be transparent to him always.

Ask him what he needs from you and then give it to him, if that's to be left alone then leave him alone.

He's going to be nasty sometimes, take it, you deserve it, let it go.


----------



## InlandTXMM

Theseus said:


> I think some of the reactions here are ridiculous, like the above. He wasn't "cuckolded". *They weren't married.* They were only dating, living in separate states, and had no agreement on exclusivity.
> 
> And Badmemory, I also don't think it's helpful to copy and paste long tracts about "adultery" when it doesn't apply to this situation.


No one says that the BS's reaction to finding out something like this is going to be rational and logical. Especially during the first few days or weeks. It seems from his reaction that he had an understanding of exclusivity that she did not share.

But my God, please don't try to just shrug off the guy's feelings.


----------



## tacoma

michzz is entirely correct OP, you are in a minefield for a long time to come but especially right now

Be cautious with your H.


----------



## tacoma

InlandTXMM said:


> In the least, she might have warned him what kind of friend her hubby really has.


Or the friend warned him what kind of woman he really had.

He's been twice betrayed.

He's going to be messed up emotionally


----------



## badmemory

I'm pretty sure the worst thing for him is this "double" betrayal. He feels the two of you had this secret all of these years and he feels humiliated in knowing that someone close to him had sex with you. He may feel that this "friend" was trying to throw it in his face. It's emasculating to most men.

Though the infidelity was before marriage and minor compared to most, the double betrayal tends to raise the stakes.


----------



## bandit.45

married2012 said:


> Yes he speaking to me, we are still living in the same house, he said he loves me he is just really really hurt and does not know what to do.


Steer him to this forum. Maybe we can help him process what he's going through. 

Yeah it was crappy for you to not have told him. Sounds to me like the two of you had not had the "exclusivity" talk, but the fact is when he had the friend visit you, he trusted the two of you and you both blew it. 

I'm interested to know what it was that you "put up with" from him? Drug abuse? Drinking? Did he smack you around? What?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carmen ohio

married2012 said:


> Thank You, I will read that over and over again.
> I am truly sorry for what I did, there is no excuse, I made a horrible mistake and I just wanted to pretend that it never happened, and honestly that's what I had done, I lied about it for so long I think I actually believed my lie. I


Dear married2012,

Your biggest "mistake" was to lie to your H about what you did. In effect, you deceived him before, during and after your wedding. That makes you a less than trustworthy partner in his eyes (and mine, too).

He has to decide if he wants to build a life -- including having children -- with someone who would be dishonest about something that he considers (as do I and many others) fundamental to marriage. If it were me, I would end the marriage because I would not want to take the chance that such behavior might be repeated after having children, with even worse consequences.

My advice is to back off for now and give him time to come to grips with what he's learned. Continue to make yourself available to him, answer all his questions honestly and always let him know that you are sorry for what you've done, but give him space and also let him know that you will accept whatever decision he makes. The point is to show him that he is now in control and that you trust him to do the right thing. I would not push him to start MC as that issue only becomes relevant if he decides to give you another chance. Again, the point is to let this be his decision (as it rightly is).

Also, continue with your life as best you can (keeping up your appearance, outside activities, friendships, etc.). The point here is for him to see that, if he leaves you, he is losing someone of value. You want to make yourself as attractive as possible without making it obvious and without acting as if you are disengaging from him. It's a delicate balance but it's important. In this regard, I suggest you check out the following links that deal with situations similar to yours:

Saving Your Marriage

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Do-I-Get-My-Husband-Back?&id=1393725

How I Saved My Marriage

Since you sound genuinely remorseful, I wish you the best.


----------



## warlock07

I guess he was drunk and decided he felt guilty???? 

Seriously ? Your H is better off without you.


----------



## cj9947

married2012,
Why didn't you inform him of the situation before you allowed him to marry you? You knew you were in the WRONG by keeping this from him, sleeping with his FRIEND. It seems so DECEPTIVE...


----------



## Entropy3000

married2012 said:


> Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
> 7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together.
> 
> *Drinking is not excuse. Women do not need men to protect them. The bad choice was to get drunk with this guy. You put yourself at risk. Bad idea. It has cost you.*
> 
> I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again.
> 
> *It was not a mistake. It was a choice to betray. A double betrayal for you both. They you compounded the betrayal by adding another to hold on to this secret. A secret with another man is a betrayal in itself.*
> 
> 
> My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend.
> 
> *A good GF would not have slept with her BFs friend. Kinda ruins that whole thing. It is like having a bowl of punch with a turd in it. I do not care how good the punch itself is, it cannot make up for this.*
> 
> I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?
> 
> *You can only beg his forgiveness. But if he decides to R you guys will have to create a new marriage. The old one is dead. Lying in itself is unfaithful. It amazes me how often on TAM I get challeneged by people who think lying is ok. UFB.*


This is why I believe in coming clean when cheating happens. Plus even if they never find out it has still damaged the relationship. The affair had never been dealt with.

Not to be cruel but this would be a dealbreaker for me. The OM is a sleaze but indeed he did tell your husband. He should have come clean right away however. Before the marriage. He may be jealous of your husband and want another crack at you. Or maybe the guilt finally got to him.


----------



## Entropy3000

barbados said:


> Wow, some friend. Why did the "friend" tell him now ?


Better late than never.


----------



## JCD

Theseus said:


> I think some of the reactions here are ridiculous, like the above. He wasn't "cuckolded". *They weren't married.* They were only dating, living in separate states, and had no agreement on exclusivity.
> 
> And Badmemory, I also don't think it's helpful to copy and paste long tracts about "adultery" when it doesn't apply to this situation.


First, the hubby will mentally FEEL it was adultery.

But even more important. She was his girlfriend. His FRIEND seduced and slept with his girlfriend. So...neither person cared a whit at what emotional damage it would do to the (now) husband when they did this.

If he had known what kind of people they were as far as how their actions impacted HIM, would he have kept either in his life?

OP, the biggest issue is you SAY it was a one time thing...but you kept the secret. How does he know this? For all he knows, you have been getting it on for the last 6 years. This is what drives his uncertainty.

Yes, I'm sure he's a disappointment as a husband. Are you the Second Coming of Betty Crocker? That is what a relationship is...the bad with the good. 

Continue to throw this stuff in his face at your peril.


----------



## badmemory

cj9947 said:


> married2012,
> Why didn't you inform him of the situation before you allowed him to marry you? You knew you were in the WRONG by keeping this from him, sleeping with his FRIEND. It seems so DECEPTIVE...


I'll respectfully disagree with the tenor of some of these posts. You screwed up worse than you realized. Yes it was bad. But there's little point in advising you on what you "should" have done. That ship has sailed.

I believe that your marriage is salvageable, but it's now up to your husband. I think you've gotten some good advice on how to demonstrate that you're a remorseful spouse. Follow it, don't pressure him, and hopefully things will work out for both of you.


----------



## sweetpea

Hi married 2012 and other posters,

Please remember to be respectful to married2012 when responding to her posts. We don't have to agree with her actions or choices, but we don't have to beat her down with negative comments about her behavior. Please try to give her constructive advice. We don't want to scare her off! She is new to TAM

Here are some of the guidelines from TAM if you have forgotten the rules and a link to the guidelines.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2117-forum-rules-please-read-first.html
1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
8. Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships. 


Thanks,

Sweetpea


----------



## Acabado

It's not "just" the drunken ONS, it's not "just" OM was his friend (double betrayal), it's not "just" you lied to him for six years and marrried him with this obviously relevant piece of info (fraud?)...
Maybe the fact you hung out with this OM as "friends" as if nothing happened, with the shared secret... he can see himself laughed, mocked by you both for six solid years. When was the last time you hung out together? Do they talk often?
If OM was a stranger you never saw again...


----------



## tacoma

Acabado said:


> If OM was a stranger you never saw again...


Yeah, if that were the case I'd be advocating her H get over it but...


----------



## terrence4159

married if you were truely sorry like you say you are you would have told him!!! i agree worse cases of cheating but the 7 years of lies is unexcusable. i would D you if i was him.


----------



## Acabado

Adding to my last post.
Be sure to apologize specifically for this. Concrete, specific apologies means you get the scope of the damage, you get all the facts he's struggling with...
Make no excuses. You screwer up. Period.

Check, you inbox, I'm sending you a PM


----------



## carpenoctem

Lady:

The fact that you continued to let this ‘friend’ hang out with you and your husband even after you and your future husband developed a serious relationship, went exclusive and eventually married, will be one of the most difficult psychological obstacles for your husband to jump over – perhaps even more difficult than that one-time (as per your post) sex act that occurred while your mutual exclusivity was only perceived, and not pronounced.

That, in the male scheme of things, is a continued plot of humiliation. Your husband will replay each and every interaction amidst him, you and the OM, and feel dishonoured, degraded and devalued as a man. And the fact that you let that happen, just to protect your secret, will cut him deep. He would keep replaying moments from those interactions, and wonder / suspect whether you two had not snuck out during those hangouts, to recap on a past sexual chemistry. It will be very hard to convince him otherwise.

You have a long, arduous road ahead of you, since you are aiming at reconciliation. I wish you patience and luck.


----------



## Decorum

It is possible and ironic that his friend (the om) came clean because he is getting married and he did not want this to blow up HIS own marriage with revelations later on, he did not want to keep secrets from his future wife.

It just would not do for his betryal of his friend to come out after his own marriage began.

Now him and his beloved can get married with no secrets, no lies.

Funny how we know the "RIGHT" thing to do when its in our own best interest.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

Married,

It seems that there are some similarities between your sitch and mine. 

My (future) fiancé and I were not exclusive but we were moving in that direction. In western society, while people say there is nothing wrong with multidating.... there is something wrong with multi -sexing given the health issues.

The other problem with multidating is that the one you end up with may be the one that got the short end of the stick and they will find out about it. I had to get my fiancé explaining, how can you leave me at the bus stop when you offered your so called friend taxi fare.

And then there were the e-mails and text messages in which they talked about me and our sex life.....

And even when we did become exclusive he referred to her as a friend and was in contact with her. I finally put an end to the "friendship." 

So it's possible that your husband is wondering if he is facing the same situation. And as someone else said, I am wondering what I might have done differently had I known/ understood more at the time. I might not have introduced him to my friends where he embarrassed me refusing to buy a round.....when I later learned that the week before he had closed a GBP127 bar tab when he was with his "friend" and his "friend's" friends.

What gave me the strength to finally raise the subject with him (at a time when I was told by ohters that I would appear jealous and insecure if I did) were the thoughts that 1) if he saw his friend again, that would make our relationship an FWB and 2) I was being offered dates myself. why should I turn them down if my partner felt justified in seeing another woman.....no matter how he classified the relationship. 

Some unanswered questions here:
1) Do you have any idea what motivated this friend to disclose this episode to your husband?
2) Did you two stay in touch after your assignation? And if so, through what means and what did you talk about?
3) Is this friend and your husband part of a larger social circle where other people might be aware of this incident?
4) Do you have other male friends that he may suspect are more than just friends?


well, there may be more questions.....


----------



## weightlifter

Were you "exclusive" when you slept with that other guy?

BTW something up why didnt he say this BEFORE you said I do?


----------



## married2012

weightlifter said:


> Were you "exclusive" when you slept with that other guy?
> 
> BTW something up why didnt he say this BEFORE you said I do?


I dont know what we were at the time, we lived in separate states, we were dating. 

I dont know why the friend did what he did???


----------



## tacoma

Decorum said:


> It is possible and ironic that his friend (the om) came clean because he is getting married and he did not want this to blow up HIS own marriage with revelations later on, he did not want to keep secrets from his future wife.
> 
> It just would not do for his betryal of his friend to come out after his own marriage began.
> 
> Now him and his beloved can get married with no secrets, no lies.
> 
> Funny how we know the "RIGHT" thing to do when its in our own best interest.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't even catch that!

That's highly probable actually.
He's trying to ward off what the OP is now going through.

Jesus that's cold.


----------



## warlock07

married2012 said:


> I dont know what we were at the time, we lived in separate states, we were dating.
> 
> I dont know why the friend did what he did???


Then why did you hide it from your H ? Why did the friend decide to tell him ? You could have told him before the marriage

Don't try to argue technicalities ?


----------



## warlock07

Decorum said:


> It is possible and ironic that his friend (the om) came clean because he is getting married and he did not want this to blow up HIS own marriage with revelations later on, he did not want to keep secrets from his future wife.
> 
> It just would not do for his betryal of his friend to come out after his own marriage began.
> 
> Now him and his beloved can get married with no secrets, no lies.
> 
> Funny how we know the "RIGHT" thing to do when its in our own best interest.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think OM did the right thing. Atleast his SO has the option of leaving him before the marriage unlike the OP who kept lying.


----------



## NextTimeAround

warlock07 said:


> I think OM did the right thing. Atleast his SO has the option of leaving him before the marriage unlike the OP who kept lying.



We don't know if the OM told his bride.


----------



## tacoma

NextTimeAround said:


> We don't know if the OM told his bride.


If they're in a connected social circle you can bet he told her before he told OP's H.

He's a very big idiot if he didn't.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

I would like to know what type of idiot would tell his GF to take his good friend out for a night on the town. I realize that we want to trust our friends and SO's...but at the same time we're not supposed to be stupid or naive about things either. 

I wouldn't encourage my wife to take one of my brothers out for a good time let a long a friend. Why would someone be so stupid to do something like that? My initial thought is that the OP should have known better, and that she knew that her then BF would have NOT wanted her to sleep with his friend.

However, if neither of them had the talk about being a committed couple, and his only words to his GF was to "my friend is in your neck of the woods and is bored. Why don't you take him out and show him a good time". Really? WTF??? I would have told the friend that I feel bad that he's bored, but would never consider for a second to send my GF to collect him and entertain him. That's enabling. It also shows that the husband does not understand proper boundaries either. 

OP. It should be painfully clear that keeping this secret was the wrong thing to do. And as typically happens, these secrets come out at the most inconvenient times. If you have any other secrets, spill your guts and vow that you will go full on transparency with e-mails, social media, cell phone, etc. He should do the same for you.


----------



## lovelygirl

married2012 said:


> I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend.


Lying for 7 years straight doesn't make you a good girlfriend/wife.
You lost the "good" when you decided to sleep with OM and betray your SO. 

Also, If I were OM's fiance now...I would totally break up from him.
What good man betrays his best friend like that??? 
If he was able to do it to his best friend I'm sure he'd do it to any other friend and he wouldn't also have a problem cheating in any girlfriend too. 

Your H should kick both of you out of his life.


----------



## TRy

warlock07 said:


> Then why did you hide it from your H ?


 She hide it from her future husband because regardless of where exactly her relationship was at the time, it was clearly understood by both her and the so called friend that the future husband was trusting them both to keep it as just a platonic friendship. She knew if she told him that she betrayed this trust, that he would have broken up with her and it is doubtful that they would be married right now. The fact that she kept this secret with the other man as they occasionally socialized with the other man, must really be humiliating to her husband.


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## NextTimeAround

TRy said:


> She hide it from her future husband because regardless of where exactly her relationship was at the time, it was clearly understood by both her and the so called friend that the future husband was trusting them both to keep it as just a platonic friendship. She knew if she told him that she betrayed this trust, that he would have broken up with her and it is doubtful that they would be married right now. The fact that she kept this secret with the other man as they occasionally socialized with the other man, must really be humiliating to her husband.


Yeah, possibly since that was early days for the Op's relationship with her future husband. I do hear "Bros before Hoes."

I am trying to decide if I were in the OP's husband situation..... and I was told about the incident immediately, would I be more upset with my future spouse or with my friend, who presumably would have been a bigger part of my life at that time...... or because of that, I would be less upset since the friend would be at that point in time a more permanent / stable fixture in my life.

As a woman, I think I would be more upset with my friend "allowing" that to happen. I think most of us women are taught early on to watch out for competitive friends. 

How do you men feel about this looking at it from the friendship loyalty point of view?


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## ody360

Come one people she said herself when this happen that they were really only at the early stage of dating. They obviously were not even saying they love each other yet. So this is not your typical cheating scenario. Its not always just black and white there are grey areas and this is one of them. 

The only issue here is she had relations with his friend. She should of told him end of story. She didn't. So know she is dealing with the consequences and needs help. So how about for once you people not be little her and try to help her with her situation. This is a place for help not a place to re confirm there mistakes and tell them how undeserving they are. If anyone knows good idea for how to try to mend her situation it would be people like us. That's all she is asking for HELP. You know some of you people just don't have hearts. Some of you need to get past your hate mongering and be helpful and move on instead of being Debby downers and doom and gloom all the time. People need to recognize when a situation deserves the hard core or the sympathetic aproach. She knows she screwed up she just needs help to fix something that had nothing to really do with there marriage but is effecting it now. So how about some constructive advice for once and stop telling her stuff that she probably already knows and im sure someone has already told her once that she is a big turd and doesn't deserve to live. 

Married2012 just try to prove to him how much you love him. Be apologetic everyday living every moment you have him in your life. Tell him you know you cant take back that moment 6 years ago but we can go on for the rest or are lives me showing you why i married you 6 years later and keep showing you how much i love you. Do little and big things to show him what he means to you. You have not been living a lie for the last 6 years. i could be wrong but it probably never crossed your mind much of what you did with his friend since honestly you 2 were really only friends still. Um it isnt cheating if you are only friends testing the water with each other. 
But any way, just get creative with ways to show him how much you love him. Youv'e been together for 6 years so that is enough time to fall into typical routines. So maybe try to change some of that up and start trying new things to show him what he means to you. Start thinking outside the box. Watch romantic comedies or romance movies or read romantic books to try to come up with ideas. When its all said and done he will eventually accept it or not, that is out of your control. He may not be over it in a week or a month but just be there for him hold him and reassure him what he means to you. Thats all i have. good luck and i hope the best for your husband and you and hope you guys can move past this speed bump in your marriage.


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## badmemory

Theseus said:


> And Badmemory, I also don't think it's helpful to copy and paste long tracts about "adultery" when it doesn't apply to this situation.


It does apply to this situation. Just because they weren't married at the time doesn't mean that advice on showing remorse is invalid. Particularly to a husband who rightly perceives it as a devastating betrayal, whether you want to define it as adultery or not. Right now that distinction is irrelevant to him. He needs to see a remorseful spouse.


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

@Next: I'd be pissed to the highest degree!! What we don't know is how good a friend OP H thought he was. 

We have heard from OP that she perceived the start of her relationship was not exclusive. What we don't know is what OP H thought it was? Also, OP knew that his friend was indeed a friend to her BF and put herself in this spot whether exposed now or later. Of all the men a single lady could bed when she's in a non-exclusive dating relationship, she chose someone close to another guy she is dating also. I saw this a lot in high school and most ppl., once they grew up, know better then to pit to ppl. against one another.

Damage control will be tough...I'd wait and see what H says about R then use this site as a guide on how to proceed. Your H has the right to be angry, grieve, and bring it up as often as he needs to heal. Don't make the mistake and minimize what happened or tell him it was the past or tell him to get over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons

Very weird, so friend has no trouble sleeping with then girlfriend, keeping the secret of x years, watching them get engaged, watching them marry only to tell him after?!!?

Does it matter how long they'd been dating? Alot of people here are looking through the eyes of the betrayed, certainly ears prick up at the thought of allowing your friend to go out with a girlfriend for a night..god forbid.

Also curious about OP's comment about putting up with alot from this guy..almost like well I've put up with your stuff so I'm entitled to be forgiven.

You should have told him, let him make up his own mind whether he wanted to be with you. In essence the whole relationship has been a lie. Tough situation. Where is this good buddy now? He's a bit of a snake in the grass.


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## terrence4159

married here is where i have my big problem with you. i meet my 2nd wife for the first time at her work, we talked for 45 min, i took my 2 1/2 son with me (im all nervous 27 yr old single dad meeting 22 yr old single no kid woman). next day meet her again took my dogs (she knocked me down to get to my dogs). then the next day took her for ice cream and had sex.

right after sex she tells me she had 2 FWB. im all ok we are not exclusive right now. she said no i HAD 2 when you left the first night i called them and told them im done i met someone special i want to see where it goes from here. she DIDNT have to tell me we just met. SHE TOLD ME TO BE HONEST! still with her 7+ years later (married 6 in april)


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## Chris Taylor

Married2012, a few questions...

Had you been sexually active with your then boyfriend when this "cheating" occurred?

You mentioned you put up with things with your husband... care to explain?

Your husband's friend... was he going with the girl he is now marrying at the time this happened?


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## OhGeesh

married2012 said:


> Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
> 7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again. My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?


I think your husband is a idiot!! 7 years ago and 1 time and he wants a divorce..........talk about overreact imo.

Who didn't cheat before they were married? I'm sure the holier than though on TAM will say "ME I WOULD NEVER !!" well most people do or did.

My wife and I have been faithful for over 16 years we both cheated on each other while dating on/off for 5 years! She slept with one of my friends, I with hers, we broke up yada yada.

To add relevance to the story......we were talking one day and there was a magazine that said "30 things that guys must do before they die!" one of them was have a threesome.

I joked and said "Honey, I need to have a threesome see........lol" here reply was "I guess I'm more of a man than you!" and then said "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that"

I don't need to know all of those details from some soiree while we weren't even married. It's in the past. 

IMO< hubby should get over it!


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## badbane

married2012 said:


> I dont know what we were at the time, we lived in separate states, we were dating.
> 
> I dont know why the friend did what he did???


He did it because he was a man and you were availible. However this guy you had sex with was in your life for a long time following the hookup. So how does your husband know that you never hooked up again. Regardless of whether or not you actually did. I nor your busband are not going to believe that you guys probably hooked up more than once. 

Was it really one time and is he the only man you slept with apart from your H in that period of time. I am sorry I just think that there is more to this than you have admitted. We are familiar with trickle truth and I feel/sense that there is more. I mean you make a decision to have a NSA fling. Usually if you do it once it makes it that much easier to do it again. So if you need to come clean now is the time to tell the whole truth.


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## InlandTXMM

badbane said:


> He did it because he was a man and you were availible. However this guy you had sex with was in your life for a long time following the hookup. So how does your husband know that you never hooked up again. Regardless of whether or not you actually did. I nor your busband are not going to believe that you guys probably hooked up more than once.
> 
> Was it really one time and is he the only man you slept with apart from your H in that period of time. I am sorry I just think that there is more to this than you have admitted. We are familiar with trickle truth and I feel/sense that there is more. I mean you make a decision to have a NSA fling. Usually if you do it once it makes it that much easier to do it again. So if you need to come clean now is the time to tell the whole truth.


Exactly. Was this a one-off with one guy, or were you having sex with other men? Have you ever done this to another BF before? Have you been with any more men, even just emotionally, since you've been with your husband?

By the way, if you were so sure you both weren't seeing each other exclusively, why feel the need to hide it from him in the first place?

If I were the husband, the sheer humiliation and emasculation of knowing that my friend and my wife were in the same room with me, over a period of years, KNOWING WHAT THEY DID and choosing to keep me in the dark, would be unforgivable.


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## workindad

OP, your posts are hard for me to get a handle on. However, since you titled the thread starting with the words "I cheated". Then your status with your H at the time would seem to indicate that it was cheating.

Imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed and you had to find out from your best friend that your H slept with her rather than hearing it from your H. That may help you to start to understand how he feels. I'm not sure how to advise you to proceed, but I understand why your husband feels the way he does.

Good luck
WD


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## Shaggy

It's bad enough that you cheated on your then BF of several months.

It got worse when you did it with a false friend of his,

Then it went. Very bad when you chose to betray his trust by:

1. Enter into a plan to conspire to keep the truth from your bf.
2. Continue to lie to him during your entire relationship and into your marriage.
3. Let his false friend humiliate him all these years by sticking around. This guy is no friend of your now husband. Ths scum bag slept with you, his friends GF. Honestly, that's a horrible betrayal as well and he should be forever cut put of your husbands life. He deserves to be spit on. You don't go after gfs or wives of friends. Not ever. 

But even now you are more upset that the false crappy friend broke your pack of silence, even now you aren't repecting your husband or his feelings. You are more interested in hiding your choices to betray him over and over, instead of helping healing the pain you have caused him.

I think you very quickly need to understand why this is very possibky going to end your marriage. It most certainly will forever stain your relationship with your husband. Not just because years ago you had a drunken ONS. It's because you've comfortably lied to your husband over and over. He no longer trusts you. It's gone.

If there are any other incidents of cheating or lying, my advice is to tell him it all NOW. He now has lost all trust in you. He will be going over every incident, friend, odd behavior etc, that you done since he met you. He is going to examine them all over an over and he's going to wonder what else you have lied to him about.

Do even of you weather this betrayal and he doesnt divorce you thr next time he finds another big lie like this he will.

So if I were you I would look deep into your closet and come clean completely. You get one chance here, and it's now.

From your responses so far I fear you won't take my advice or heed my warning. You still see the real problem here being the piece of scum who broke the silence. You need to stop seeing it that way.

I'll also point out that any scumbag who would bed a friends GF isn't truth worthy in any case so you shouldn't be at all surprised that he told your little secret of cheating. He's not a good or moral person, do what would you expect?

Please seriously consider my advice. It will require a lot of bravery on your part, and depending on what you've done, it will hurt your husband, but I guarantee you that this is your best and like only time to do it.


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## badbane

Listen I don't want to offend you I don't want you to feel like I am attacking you at all. I am just asking questions. I wish I could convey tone but text does have it's limitations. Understand I am trying to help and making sure you H knows the whole story. Not just what you feel comfortable sharing is crucial to the survival of your marriage.


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## married2012

I only cheated the 1 time, that's it. My H is mad because I have lied about it for 6 years, I have always denied that it happened. YES, I lied, I know it was wrong I know, I know. I was looking for advise to fix the situation. I made a horrible mistake, yes we were dating, in separate states, and it was a new relationship, I don't know where we stood on the only being together thing at the time, H is mad because it was his friend at the time and I lied.


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## mablenc

Hi,

Sorry you are here, I hope your husband can forgive you and move on. Many times a marriage can be stronger if you both work together. I think that because you were not married yet, he should put that fact in perspective. Right now he is hurt all you can do is apologize and I think it would help if you explain to him why you did not come clean. Also tell him how bad you felt all this time hiding that from him. Last, I hope he can see the wife that he had has these years and not the girlfriend who cheated. I'm sure you wish for a time machine but, focus on the future. 
If he can agree to MC it would really help.

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

this would be dealbreaker for me, obviously it is significant and you treated it insignificantly and deceptively. It just demonstrates a lot about how you deal with responsibility for your actions and now he will inevitably wonder what other significant things you will deliberately withhold from him.


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## InlandTXMM

married2012 said:


> I only cheated the 1 time, that's it. My H is mad because I have lied about it for 6 years, I have always denied that it happened. YES, I lied, I know it was wrong I know, I know. I was looking for advise to fix the situation. I made a horrible mistake, yes we were dating, in separate states, and it was a new relationship, I don't know where we stood on the only being together thing at the time, H is mad because it was his friend at the time and I lied.


Wait a minute- you HAVE ALWAYS DENIED it happened? That means, at some point, he suspected and asked you, maybe multiple times, and you flat-out LIED to his face? And then he learns it after he married you from the OM, his so-called friend?

Are you saying you had the chance to come clean long ago, and you decided not to?


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## mablenc

Lon said:


> this would be dealbreaker for me, obviously it is significant and you treated it insignificantly and deceptively. It just demonstrates a lot about how you deal with responsibility for your actions and now he will inevitably wonder what other significant things you will deliberately withhold from him.



Good point, OP come clean with anything else you have not told him no matter how small. This way you can build from the ground up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM

There is nothing you can do to fix it. 

Except allow him room to decide what he wants. Answer his questions truthfully and honestly. Tell him over and over you are sorry. Tell him the entire truth, even if he needs the gory details. Do not ever let him catch you trickle-truthing him - you get this one chance to come clean - COMPLETELY clean.

His trust and faith in you is shattered. You cannot ask for him to trust you. You must prove to him, bit by bit, that you are worthy of his trust eventually. You threw away the trust he gave you before. Now you must earn it back little by little.

And get the "friend" out of your lives for good. No contact - ever again.

Oh, and NEVER AGAIN try to justify what you did by pointing out his shortcomings.


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## tacoma

InlandTXMM said:


> Wait a minute- you HAVE ALWAYS DENIED it happened? That means, at some point, he suspected and asked you, maybe multiple times, and you flat-out LIED to his face?
> 
> Are you saying you had the chance to come clean long ago, and you decided not to?



I'm taking that statement as self-denial.

Her knowing she screwed up but if she just acted like it never happened then...it never happened.

Edit:

I could be wrong though, I hope not, that makes it worse.


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## tacoma

married2012 you're getting beat up pretty good in here huh?

Notice you're also getting very good advice if you read it all and are strong enough to take it in you could be ok.

The fact that your H is still physically with you and is still speaking to you tells me he doesn't want to lose you.

Do everything you can to make it easier for him to stay with you.
Listen to these people.


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## weightlifter

OP. how old?

Define EXACTLY. "Denied it happened."

he asked before? How many times and when? Did he specifically mention that friend of his?


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## married2012

tacoma said:


> I'm taking that statement as self-denial.
> 
> Her knowing she screwed up but if she just acted like it never happened then...it never happened.
> 
> Edit:
> 
> I could be wrong though, I hope not, that makes it worse.


No your absolutely right, I think I had lied to myself and him for so long I actually believed it. I messed up and I know, but I don't want to end our marriage over something that happened 6 years ago.


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## InlandTXMM

married2012 said:


> No your absolutely right, I think I had lied to myself and him for so long I actually believed it. I messed up and I know, but I don't want to end our marriage over something that happened 6 years ago.


There you go again. "lied to myself AND HIM". He asked you flat-out, more than once, didn't he?


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## badbane

married2012 said:


> I only cheated the 1 time, that's it. My H is mad because I have lied about it for 6 years, I have always denied that it happened. YES, I lied, I know it was wrong I know, I know. I was looking for advise to fix the situation. I made a horrible mistake, yes we were dating, in separate states, and it was a new relationship, I don't know where we stood on the only being together thing at the time, H is mad because it was his friend at the time and I lied.


okay then if you are being honest. you need to tell your husband why you lied. You need to explain exactly how it happened. You need to explain to him that despite the deceit you have never been unfaithful since you were married or when you two were serious. You need to reassure him that despite the deceit that you would not have let him get away and you would have chased him forever. 
Understand your husband thought you were perfect and had you on a pedestal and that is gone now. keep trying.


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## tacoma

OhGeesh said:


> I think your husband is a idiot!! 7 years ago and 1 time and he wants a divorce..........talk about overreact imo.
> 
> Who didn't cheat before they were married? I'm sure the holier than though on TAM will say "ME I WOULD NEVER !!" well most people do or did.


I did often, and because of it I realize it is nothing more than luck that I didn't later end up truly in love and married to one of those women that I cheated on.
How would I have dealt with it?
That's the only difference between me and the OP here right now.



> My wife and I have been faithful for over 16 years we both cheated on each other while dating on/off for 5 years! She slept with one of my friends, I with hers, we broke up yada yada.


My wife and I were both sleeping with other people early in our courtship as well.



> I don't need to know all of those details from some soiree while we weren't even married. It's in the past.


It's not really though, the OP's lover isn't just an old ONS.
He's a personal friend of her and her H who they see socially.
This has been kept from him for years.

It's not as simple as an old ONS with some nobody.



> IMO< hubby should get over it!


If he wasn't a friend and hadn't been a part of their lives for the past 6 years holding this deception I'd agree with you.
As it is I think the OP has no clue how lucky she is he's still there and speaking to her.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, if an old friend told me he slept with her 14 years ago I'd have a problem.
I wouldn't be near her, I wouldn't speak to her.

She might get D papers served within the week.

I'd be nuclear.


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## Catherine602

Sorry cant offer you help to get your husband back. I hope to help you put this in prospective so you can partially releive his suffering. 

Right now I think you should let him have space and give yourself a chance to consider what you have done. 

Essentially you conspired with this "friend" to decieve him. You two were more loyal to each other than each of you were to him.

He thought he had a wife and a friend who had his back and respected him. Instead he had two people who lied, cheated to protect each other. 

He is the good man who was unfortunate enough to have two stealth enemies for 6 yrs. You had a chance to aliegn yourself wih the man who committed to you, provided you with love and companionship. 

However, You chose to stay in league with his deceptive, bottom feeder of a "friend" who did not have the decency to stop pretending he respected your husband. . 

Can you see what you did now? It would probably be better to let him go. Let him know you realize what you have done and that although you love him your way, you know that it is not enough for the marriage to continue. 

That will in part atone for what you did. Go and live your life and take this as a lesson. It is a hard one but, what you did was hard. 

I don't say the above in a holier than thou attitude but to help you put the focus on the man you wronged and not on yourself. 

It will make it easier for him to move on if you tell him what he needs to hear. That is - You realize the massive wrong that you did and you are sorry for the pain you brought him and you do not want to prolong it.


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## Jambri

Although I don't approve of what she did I don't think this should be a marriage-killer. I mean she wasn't even married when the encounter took place. I understand the husband should be upset but it is clear she loves him and would never cheat on him now that they are married. And looking at the 6 year lie in another perspective, she kept that inside her all this time and I'm sure it tormented her to some degree. Why did she hold in inside? Because she didn't want to lose him. She is a good woman who made a mistake PRE-marriage. She should be given another chance IMO


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## JustSomeGuyWho

married2012 said:


> No your absolutely right, I think I had lied to myself and him for so long I actually believed it. I messed up and I know, but I don't want to end our marriage over something that happened 6 years ago.


Your marriage doesn't have to end.

From where I'm sitting, the fact that you had sex with his friend while you were dating him is a smaller issue than:

1) He suspected and you outright denied that it ever happened. This is one of those cases of "you pay the price now or you pay with interest later." Now it is FAR worse than it would have been had you been honest with him immediately.

My wife was having sex with other men 6 months into our relationship. I just found out over 22 years later (20 married). We were having a conversation with friends and describing how we met. She mentioned that we were exclusive about 6 months after we started dating. I said "wait a second, I was under the impression we were exclusive a LOT longer than that!" We had said our "I Love You"s 3 months into our relationship. Truth is that it doesn't bother me a whole lot. We've been together for a long time and she is one of the most trustworthy people I've ever met. The difference is that I hadn't throughout our relationship confronted her about it and have her lie to me the whole time. That would have immediately caused me to question everything about our relationship.

2) You are still minimizing it. You need to stop that. To you, the incident isn't a big deal ... it was a long time ago, the relationship was fairly new, you were living in different states. It sounds like it IS a big deal to him. To him, he sees HIS FRIEND banging the love of his life and she wanted HIS friend to do that to her. He probably has mind movies where he can envision it happening and you moaning and groaning and enjoying every second of it. How he envisions it is probably FAR more lusty and hot than it actually was. That has got to hurt. Not only that but "it isn't a big deal" to YOU. Even if you can't see why it is a big deal, at least pretend like it is a big deal. Try to see it from his perspective and don't discount how HE feels about it just because you feel differently.


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## Headspin

One thing cheaters can never get their heads around is the fact that every great time you have had, you in the last few years, every single one of them that you and your husband thought was brilliant and the height of your love for each other ..................has just been a lie.

Your feelings have been based on something that was not actually there - 100% honesty and trust - in the first place. That makes it a lie.

For the betrayed that makes everything you / he have held good is in fact not the truth. That is killer. I have yet to see a wayward spouse that fully understands this (maybe only the tears thread)

This fundamental lie about the whole relationship is in a different league to some single indiscretion or affair - it's gone on over years. It's all consuming for the betrayed

Lets face it too - you were never going to tell him either.

I don't fancy your chances to be honest.


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## totamm

You didn't lie to him you simply chose not to share a one time event that really can't even be considered cheating in the true sense of the word. It was within the first few months and you were casually dating at the time. 

Tell him you're sorry and offer to give him the sordid details if that's what he wants and then tell him you can't change the past, there is nothing else that he doesn't know and hopefully he can come to terms with it and you'll both move forward and if not you understand and respect his decision and you won't fight the divorce.

Stop the crying and the begging it's not going to work for you and will only strengthen his resolve and give him further validation that what you did was so wrong.


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## Will_Kane

I am confused.

You say you "lied."

Did you lie ONLY by omission, that is, you just omitted ever telling him?

*Or did you actually flat-out lie when directly asked, "did you have sex with my friends?" or "who have your sexual partners been?"*

If this were to happen to me, the fact that my wife had sex with someone else while we were first dating long distance would be NO BIG DEAL, but the fact that she lied to me, either directly or through omission, would be A HUGE PROBLEM. 

The fact that it was with a close friend, SOMEONE I SAW AND STILL SEE ON A REGULAR BASIS, makes it a thousand times worse.

I find out, after I'm married, that my wife, has a SECRET PACT with my CLOSE FRIEND. The one person with whom I am supposed to share all secrets and my whole life, has conspired to keep a secret from me with my close friend.

What I do now, if I'm in this situation, is wonder how many glances they shared when any sexual topic came up. I try to remember, how many times have they been alone over the years? I wonder, how many times have they talked to each other on the phone or in person about this? Did they ever express desire for each other again? I wonder, how big a fool have I been made?

What would compel them to keep this a secret? Why would they immediately agree never to tell me? They must have thought it was wrong right the start. Whose idea was it to keep it a secret from me? If my future wife was afraid I would end the relationship over it, I understand her motivation at that time. But at some point before marriage, I would expect to be told. Probably shortly after I proposed and she accepted, or when we started to live together.

With no kids and just married, I probably explore my options. Can I get an annulment? Do I want to stay married? If I stay married, will I EVER trust my wife again?

I definitely jettison the close friend, no matter that he's the only reason I know. He still kept the secret. What was his motivation for keeping it initially? I would expect him to let me know almost immediately, "hey, sorry, I got drunk and screwed up and slept with that girl you like." That fact that he didn't shows he realized how much the girl meant to me.

If I find out the truth at this point, most likely, the relationship with the girl ends right then and there, and my close friend is not too close of a friend after this.

The sex itself, the sex act, means just about nothing to me. It's all about the keeping of the secret with another man who WE both see regularly. I feel like other man has a deeper connection with my wife than I do - or at least I wonder about it.

What do I expect of my wife if she wants to convince me to stay married? I expect her to show me and tell me that she gets it - that it's the secret and the lies that I'm upset about. After that, definitely to NOT have any contact with the former close friend. Don't do anything else to make him think you're conspiring with the other man. Don't do anything to make the situation any worse. Tell him that the only reason you lied was out of fear of losing him if he knew the truth.

Reverse the situation. Let's say that one of your close friends who you and your husband both see regularly tells you, "I had sex with your husband years ago, we both promised to keep it a secret forever, but I think you ought to know." Add to that, if it's the case, that your husband has lied to you (as many times as you have lied to him about it). How would you feel and what would you do?


----------



## totamm

^^ Then again when you put it that way...


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## JustSomeGuyWho

totamm said:


> You didn't lie to him you simply chose not to share a one time event that really can't even be considered cheating in the true sense of the word. It was within the first few months and you were casually dating at the time.
> 
> Tell him you're sorry and offer to give him the sordid details if that's what he wants and then tell him you can't change the past, there is nothing else that he doesn't know and hopefully he can come to terms with it and you'll both move forward and if not you understand and respect his decision and you won't fight the divorce.
> 
> Stop the crying and the begging it's not going to work for you and will only strengthen his resolve and give him further validation that what you did was so wrong.


She said ....

I only cheated the 1 time, that's it. My H is mad because I have lied about it for 6 years, *I have always denied that it happened.* YES, I lied, I know it was wrong I know, I know. I was looking for advise to fix the situation. I made a horrible mistake, yes we were dating, in separate states, and it was a new relationship, I don't know where we stood on the only being together thing at the time, H is mad because it was his friend at the time and I lied.


----------



## JCD

Cut this man out of YOUR life including his fiancé.

Tell the OM fiancé whether he has or not. Outline how deceitful it was. Explain you are trying to fix things with your hubby and your lies have hurt your marriage as an example to her.

Say all your old memories are tainted by the secrets foolishly kept, but you intend on making as many new good CLEAN. Memories as he will allow you.

But the biggest issue is did you DIRECTLY lie to your husband about schtupping his friend?


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## Jambri

She lied but she lied because she loves her husband and doesn't want to lose him. Isn't the most important thing the fact that she loves her husband and since the day she said "I do", she has been faithful to him? Who gives a rats behind what happened BEFORE they were married?

I think some of you people are being unfairly hard on this girl. IMO the guy shares some of the blame for setting her up on a date with his friend. Who the hell does that? I sure as hell wouldn't.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. None of us are perfect. And we ALL lie.


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## Lon

To me it wouldn't matter if it's a lie of omission or outright told something false, the point is it was either something she didn't consider significant enough to share, or else so significant she chose to cover it up. In this case it is obviously significant and I think it's pretty clear she has known that all along. Doesn't matter what exactly the original misbehavior was, sex with his friend, stealing money from an old lady, being a hired assassin, whatever... The issue was not her promiscuity or even the sexual encounter with the friend, it's the disrespect for her spouse that has been shown to him ever since she and his friend decided to cover it up. That is real betrayal.


----------



## Shaggy

Jambri said:


> She lied but she lied because she loves her husband and doesn't want to lose him. Isn't the most important thing the fact that she loves her husband and since the day she said "I do", she has been faithful to him? Who gives a rats behind what happened BEFORE they were married?
> 
> I think some of you people are being unfairly hard on this girl. IMO the guy shares some of the blame for setting her up on a date with his friend. Who the hell does that? I sure as hell wouldn't.
> 
> Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. None of us are perfect. And we ALL lie.


Sorry but nope. Her early posts show clearly that she was upset because the deliberate choice to cheat and then hide it had been revealed. At no time was the question, how do I help my husband feel less pain. 

Clearly from the moment she chose to have sex with the scumbag false friend, she new it was cheating, yet she did choose to do it. She also immediately entered into a conspiracy of silence with the OM. She knew her choice would would cause permanent damage to her relationship with her the bf. so she hid it, then when she got married she continued to hide it.

To make matters worse, she continue to lie while happily having the OM continue to pretend to be a friend to her husband. The guy is no friend to him at all, and definitely needs to be cut out.

I'd even inform the guys fiancé why you are cutting him out of your lives.


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## totamm

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> She said ....
> 
> I only cheated the 1 time, that's it. My H is mad because I have lied about it for 6 years, *I have always denied that it happened.*


Oops, that's bad. 

It's not an omission, it's a lie.

It's the lie, not the sex that's got hubby reeling here.

Lots of posts on this thread about what's important, what matters, what counts.

All that matters is what hubby thinks about the whole thing.

Sounds like he's considering his options.

Be very nice to him.

Dump the friend- he's no friend anyway.


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## illwill

I think the problem is your hubby married you believing you were not a cheater and that you shared the same values. You are not that person. 

Do you think he would have married if he knew you cheated? If no, then you can likely see why your betrayal is so painful for him. You took away the right for him to make informed decisions about the path of his life.


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## Numb-badger

The image that he once held of you is no longer the image he can hold on to. You are different.
As IllWill said, there is now a huge value shift between you both and you can no longer view relationships from the same page.
Believe us when we tell you that the lie is as bad as the action.
And that friend is just a snake in the grass


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## bandit.45

I'm having a hard time agreeing with everyone on this. 

Did she cheat on her then new boyfriend? Well his best friend certainly did. I think what she did was dumb and insensitive, but no one here has proven to me they were exclusive at the time she did this. Are you all to believe her then-boyfriend wasn't sleeping with other women? C'mon he was in a different state. No way he wasn't playing the field while they were apart. I have a hard time seeing where they were exclusive. 

She didn't cheat. She just did something stupid and insensitive by doing his friend. That was indeed cruel. 

They've only been married a few months. I think she should offer to meet him at the Courthouse and file jointly for an annulment. No lawyers needed and they can get it over quickly. From the way she talks he doesn't sound like he's that great of a husband anyway, and I too believe he was looking for a convenient excuse to end a marriage he didn't want in the first place. 

Sorry yall. Can't ride the bandwagon on this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Jambri said:


> She lied but she lied because she loves her husband and doesn't want to lose him.
> 
> Isn't the most important thing the fact that she loves her husband and since the day she said "I do", she has been faithful to him? Who gives a rats behind what happened BEFORE they were married?
> 
> Well, it does matter. They have only been married a short time after a long relationship. What if she had sex with many men right up until the day she said "I do"? What if she had instead had sex with his friend the night before? That sure as heck would matter and would be a pretty good indication of what is going to happen in the future. In this case she didn't but this statement is false.
> 
> I think some of you people are being unfairly hard on this girl. IMO the guy shares some of the blame for setting her up on a date with his friend. Who the hell does that? I sure as hell wouldn't.
> 
> OP is NOT a bad person. For one, I completely understand if she had sex with another man shortly after starting to date the person who is now her husband. That in itself is not that big of a deal (unless they had promised to be exclusive ... then it IS a bigger deal.)
> 
> What my wife did was worse. She had sex with a lots of men 6 months into our relationship, 3 months after she told me she loved me. Heck, I remember one of the guys. He was the backup quarterback at Texas A&M. A big black stud who was ripped from head to toe with movie star looks. Even worse, he was a really nice guy and very bright ... it was hard not to like him. He intimidated the heck out of me and even when my wife and I started dating she turned to mush when he was around. He gave her her first orgasm (it took her a long time to have her first with me ... yikes!). I knew they had sex ... what I didn't know was how many times and how long after I was dating her that they continued to have sex. On the other hand, the second we admitted we were in love, I stopped "shopping". She was it for me. It doesn't matter now because she married me and has been faithful to me the entire time starting about 2 years before we married. My wife is a good person. That she had sex with other men two years prior to marriage when we weren't on the same page as far as our exclusivity doesn't change that.
> 
> OP has come here to try to fix the situation. What people are emphasizing is the mistakes she has made and it appears continues to make. That is part of fixing the situation. She has to understand the problem before being able to fix it. It may sound harsh but it is the truth. She has to be able to empathize with what he is feeling.
> 
> Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. None of us are perfect. And we ALL lie.
> 
> True but that doesn't solve her problem. Do you think it would be helpful if she just told him ... "so what? I lied. Deal with it. After all, your not perfect either."


----------



## InlandTXMM

OP, I and others have asked you directly whether you lied to your husband. You go silent or evade answering this question. 

You say you want help saving the marriage, yet you won't even come clean with the full extent of what you've done.

There is no hope for R unless and until you can.


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## married2012

InlandTXMM said:


> OP, I and others have asked you directly whether you lied to your husband. You go silent or evade answering this question.
> 
> You say you want help saving the marriage, yet you won't even come clean with the full extent of what you've done.
> 
> There is no hope for R unless and until you can.


I did say that I lied go back a page I said I lied for 6 years about it. I did lies and I know how bad that is but that's all I have ever lied to him about. BTW this wasn't his best friend or anything he was more of an aquantiance at the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

married2012 said:


> I did say that I lied go back a page I said I lied for 6 years about it. I did lies and I know how bad that is but that's all I have ever lied to him about. BTW this wasn't his best friend or anything he was more of an aquantiance at the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then what's the deal?

Married, were you and your husband/then-boyfriend going steady or not? Had you promised yourself to him, were you discussing marriage? 

I mean, I really think this has been blown way out of proportion if what you are telling us now is the truth. 

And those here who know me know I RARELY if ever side with the wayward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

Ya I'm not saying what married did wasn't wrong but I find it odd how quickly he's willing to bail on the marriage over that. Although it's possible he just doesn't believe anything she says since he had to find out from his friend and not her.

How long has it been since D-Day? You sure he might not just need some time to cool down and reconsider? Sorry if this has been asked and answered I only read the first couple of pages.


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## ThePheonix

Unless there was a bona fide commitment between the two of you, in my opinion, you weren't "cheating". Its come up on this site before where the first person later married the second person they were dating, had sex with a third person before any real commitment to the second person (other than multiple date) and somehow "betrayed" the person they married.
I'm not sure how some define cheating. But to me its having an emotional/physical relationship with someone other than the person you're knowingly and willfully committed. Seeing others during "casual", although multiple dates, that later turn into a committed relationship does not constitute cheating. Where am I wrong?


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out*



bandit.45 said:


> Then what's the deal?
> 
> Married, were you and your husband/then-boyfriend going steady or not? Had you promised yourself to him, were you discussing marriage?
> 
> I mean, I really think this has been blown way out of proportion if what you are telling us now is the truth.
> 
> And those here who know me know I RARELY if ever side with the wayward.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like i said earlier, the betrayal wasnt the act of sex with this guy, it was the cover up that ensued. You are probably right that it technically wasn't "cheating" if there was no implied exclusivity, it certainly wasn't marital infidelity, but in the op's own written words she perceives it as cheating, and that is because she has treated her husband as a cheater would.


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## married2012

bandit.45 said:


> Then what's the deal?
> 
> Married, were you and your husband/then-boyfriend going steady or not?  Had you promised yourself to him, were you discussing marriage?
> 
> I mean, I really think this has been blown way out of proportion if what you are telling us now is the truth.
> 
> And those here who know me know I RARELY if ever side with the wayward.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No we were not discussing marriage at the time we had just started dating and lived in Seperate states. We were not living together we were dating I had made no promises to him we were dating. This was 6 more years ago
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

The way married is expressing it, it sounds like he asked her directly, 

"Did somthing happen between you two?" 

She replied no nothing!

"Is that the truth you two never slept together?

No honey I would tell you if we did!

And then they got married and she denied it for six years, 

Thats a wagon load of shjt to swallow!

Yeah she has some making up to do!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Yeah she screwed up by lying. That was wrong. That's why I recommend she offer him an annulment. They can always start over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

Yeah, you were on it, I get that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

married2012 have you been talking to him at all today?

How is he?


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## Will_Kane

1. In 2006, Married2012 and future husband were in a casual long-distance relationship.

2. Future husband asked Married2012 to keep his acquaintance company while acquaintance was in Married2012's town. Married2012 agreed to do this as a favor for future husband.

3. Married2012 went out drinking with acquaintance, got drunk, had sex with acquaintance, and the next day, made an agreement with the acquaintance to never tell future husband what happened. THE SEX DOES NOT CONSTITUTE CHEATING. However, the agreement to keep future husband in the dark about this forever is an agreement to LIE TO HIM, which is the real issue here. There was NO CHEATING, but there was A LIE. Question: Whose idea was the agreement never to tell? Who brought up this idea?

4. Future husband and Married2012 continued there casual relationship, which got progressively more serious. At some point, future husband and Married2012 moved to the same city, and became engaged, and eventually got married. At every step of the way, future husband asked Married2012, point blank, did you ever have sex with acquainance? At every step of the way, Married2012 LIED about having sex with acquaintance. By the way, as I understand it, acquaintance, over time, also became more than just an acquaintance and became a person who future husband came to consider as one of his closest friends.

The issue is the continued lying, not the sex itself, which was not cheating at all, but the issue is with the LIES told. The lies are compounded by the fact that this is not some stranger who future husband never sees, but someone who has become a close friend and he sees all the time.

Future husband now wonders (most likely) what else Married2012 has lied about. He also wonders, would I have married her if she had told me the truth about the sex with my acquaintance?

Married2012, please correct anything I've posted that is not accurate.


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## married2012

tacoma said:


> married2012 have you been talking to him at all today?
> 
> How is he?


Yes I was texting him earlier he seems ok I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too. Maybe he will forgive me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

married2012 said:


> Yes I was texting him earlier he seems ok I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too. Maybe he will forgive me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad to hear that, time for hardwork lots of love and dedication. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

married2012 said:


> Yes I was texting him earlier he seems ok I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too. Maybe he will forgive me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly I'm pretty sure he'll cool off somewhat. But if he asks any questions about the situation you need to be completely honest. Don't hide anything, if he asks for details give him what he wants to know to the best of your recollection.


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## martyc47

unbelievable said:


> You were dating, not married, and that's been over 6 years ago. You had only just started dating. Did he have some reason to believe you were something other than single at the time this happened? He asked you to go out with this man. Sound like the action of a man who had something he considered his and that he wanted to protect? .


Obviously or they wouldn't have lied about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

married2012 said:


> Yes I was texting him earlier he seems ok I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too. Maybe he will forgive me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excellent!

Don't forget the minefield analogy because it's so very true.

This is a roller coaster, he'll be up down and everywhere in between in the blink of an eye.
Have humility, patience, and empathy, lose your ego for awhile and just be there to help him figure it out.

Think of this as the "worse" part of "for better or worse" and sacrifice yourself for him in this respect.


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## MeditMike80

ody360 said:


> Come one people she said herself when this happen that they were really only at the early stage of dating. They obviously were not even saying they love each other yet. So this is not your typical cheating scenario. Its not always just black and white there are grey areas and this is one of them.
> 
> The only issue here is she had relations with his friend. She should of told him end of story. She didn't. So know she is dealing with the consequences and needs help. So how about for once you people not be little her and try to help her with her situation. This is a place for help not a place to re confirm there mistakes and tell them how undeserving they are. If anyone knows good idea for how to try to mend her situation it would be people like us. That's all she is asking for HELP. You know some of you people just don't have hearts. Some of you need to get past your hate mongering and be helpful and move on instead of being Debby downers and doom and gloom all the time. People need to recognize when a situation deserves the hard core or the sympathetic aproach. She knows she screwed up she just needs help to fix something that had nothing to really do with there marriage but is effecting it now. So how about some constructive advice for once and stop telling her stuff that she probably already knows and im sure someone has already told her once that she is a big turd and doesn't deserve to live.
> 
> Married2012 just try to prove to him how much you love him. Be apologetic everyday living every moment you have him in your life. Tell him you know you cant take back that moment 6 years ago but we can go on for the rest or are lives me showing you why i married you 6 years later and keep showing you how much i love you. Do little and big things to show him what he means to you. You have not been living a lie for the last 6 years. i could be wrong but it probably never crossed your mind much of what you did with his friend since honestly you 2 were really only friends still. Um it isnt cheating if you are only friends testing the water with each other.
> But any way, just get creative with ways to show him how much you love him. Youv'e been together for 6 years so that is enough time to fall into typical routines. So maybe try to change some of that up and start trying new things to show him what he means to you. Start thinking outside the box. Watch romantic comedies or romance movies or read romantic books to try to come up with ideas. When its all said and done he will eventually accept it or not, that is out of your control. He may not be over it in a week or a month but just be there for him hold him and reassure him what he means to you. Thats all i have. good luck and i hope the best for your husband and you and hope you guys can move past this speed bump in your marriage.


I want to second this as the only logical and well thought out answer. There is a big difference between cheating a few months into a LONG DISTANCE relationship and cheating in a long-term marriage. I think the hive mind here is to always attack a WS no matter what. You don't know if she's truly sorry or not and using cliches like "if you were a good wife/were sorry, you would have told him" serves no purpose. As she said, it was a few months into an LD relationship and for all she or he knew at the time they could have broken up a month later. I'm not defending her actions, but you people need to put down your pitch forks and realizes that the circumstances are a little different here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out*



married2012 said:


> Yes I was texting him earlier he seems ok I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too. Maybe he will forgive me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He will forgive you, what remains to be seen is if he wants to stay married to you. As others have said,.it was not infidelity, and many could consider not even cheating since there was no implied exclusivity (or do you suspect it was implied? Does your H believe there was implied exclusivity?) Depending on his personal view of marital vows perhaps they are still intact, but the damage from this hirrible lie has finally caught up. So what are you going to do to earn his trust and learn how to trust him enough to confide in him the next time you do something that causes him significant hardship? I say marital counselling is a very great resource at your fingertips, as well as individual therapy in order to live your life the way you know is right and how to get straight when you go off course (because we ALL go off course some times)


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## weightlifter

OP. Did you directly lie to him at some point saying you never screwed friend when you in fact did?

If they were dating but had not asked for exclusivity this is NOT cheating. Cheating starts at the point where boy asks girl "want to be my exclusive girlfriend?"


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## Chaparral

I don't see where, under the circumstances of their non exclusive relationship, that what she did was any of his business. Asking her who she had sex with was rude and none of his business. 

The a $$ hole is the supposed friend.

Unless there are holes in this story.


----------



## totamm

chapparal said:


> I don't see where, under the circumstances of their non exclusive relationship, that what she did was any of his business. Asking her who she had sex with was rude and none of his business.


Maybe so but she could have answered it that way rather than LIE about it for the entire length of the marriage.


----------



## bandit.45

chapparal said:


> I don't see where, under the circumstances of their non exclusive relationship, that what she did was any of his business. Asking her who she had sex with was rude and none of his business.
> 
> The a $$ hole is the supposed friend.
> 
> Unless there are holes in this story.


Agreed. The best friend is the culprit here in my opinion. There was no justification for him to tell her husband. In fact there is something kinda crazy about him. Who the heck does something like that to his friend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jim123

married2012 said:


> First off you don't know how I feel and please don't assume to. I'm devastated I have never hurt anyone and I never imagined I would hurt my H Trust me I'm very sorry for what I did and yes I just wanted to pretend it never happened.
> 
> Trust me when I say this I'm not just going to leave and take the easy way out I will leave after all other options have been exhausted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Married,

Learn to use TAM to it's fullest. Within the post of the BS's here, you see how your H sees and thinks. It will help you understand your H.

As you learn to communicate to the BS's on TAM, you will learn how to communicate to your H. 

Over time, the more moderate BS's will post and help you along. Later the WS's will then start to post.

Every relationship can be fixed. 

When you post on TAM, always post as if you are talking to your H. It will help you talk to him and also make a difference if he every comes to TAM.

Do not take these posts personally, I know it is hard. Understand the posters and you will understand your H.

Hang in there.


----------



## ThePheonix

Married2012, I may have missed something. Did your husband, then Boyfriend, ask you, straight up, if you slept with this guy and did you tell him "no, I did not sleep with him"? 
Whether that's the case or not, if you were casually dating, in no committed relationship with him, it was none of his business if you were sleeping with X,Y,and Z. No more that it was any of your business if he was dating and sleeping with other chicks during this time. Which more than likely he was. At least I would be.
If he stays on this road, he's more concerned about his ego dealing with his buddy who "knows" you than he is about the marriage. You may want to question his maturity. He's coming off like a 17 year old.


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## happyman64

> I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. *I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that*, but I think this may be a breaking point for him.



Married I highlighted the part that makes you sound entitled.

Can you explain this comment?

Also, if you really wanna know what to do to make up to your husband I have a suggestion.

Make a decision to be honest about everything with your H. If there is anything else he needs to know then tell him.

Then both of you make a decision whether the OM gets to be in your lives or not.

I hope both of you say no. 

Then ask your H if he wants to handle it, or both of you to handle it.

Then go meet the OM, in front of his fiance and let him know what you both decided.

After that kick his friend in the nuts for being an ass and walk away.

Other than that there is really nothing else you could do.

The fate of your marriage is in your husbands hands.

You lied to him for 6 years.

You should be the TAM poster child for when we tell people that the truth always catches up to them.

Did you have sex with anyone else while dating your husband???


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

bandit.45 said:


> Agreed. The best friend is the culprit here in my opinion. There was no justification for him to tell her husband. In fact there is something kinda crazy about him. Who the heck does something like that to his friend?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think there is enough here to torpedo the marriage over. However, I put the husband, her and the friend in the cross hairs on this. The husband was an idiot for suggesting that his GF and friend get together for a night out while he was far away in another place. Stupid move (#1). OP gets drunk with friend and proceeds to have sex with him. Kinda stupid move (#2) on her part because even if they weren't in an exclusive relationship, it's pretty crass to boink the good friend of the guy you are interested enough in to want to date him for awhile. The friend simply took advantage of a situation set up by his idiot friend and boundary challenged GF of his idiot friend. Opportunistic move (#3)

But what makes this rather heinous in my mind is the length of time the husband hung out with his friend and his wife along his side - not knowing that both of them screwed their brains out on an otherwise "boring" night. It's allowing the husband to assume that the friend and his GF were trustworthy enough to not shack up together. Still, the idiot practically set the table for this happening.

So in my mind...all 3 of them were dumba$$es in their own way. If they would have been honest up front, we wouldn't be here today with this clusterfluck.


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## The bishop

If you are given a second chance..... Do not waste it, you have a long road ahead of you and your H will never trust you like he once did.... Cheating with his friend is worst then cheating with a stranger. 

Drunk or not you just should never go there. If he slept with a good friend of yours then, and lied about... Would you forgive him now?

I am not trying to be a prick to you, but your H will be replaying your actions in his mind for years, he will wonder why for years, he will question himself on why he stayed with you for years.... Your wedding, the honeymoon all those great memories are now **** to him.... He will be thinking of those past dates in a negative light.

Can you all overcome this and have a stronger marriage better marriage then before....yes. But it isn't going to be easy, this can't be swept away.... You need to give all control to your H, you need to help him heal. 

Don't for one minute think this wasn't as painful to him as it would be cheating on him today.... It is and even though you were not married at the time and still in the early phases of a relationship.., it still hurts, you still lied, and were deceitful with a FRIEND of his who he trusted you with. When he was on cloud 9 over meeting and dating you, you were sleeping with his buddy. 

I do hope he takes you back and I hope you do the right things so he will never question that decision.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

married2012, it seems to me from you posts that some time after the ONS, but very early in your relationship, that your then bf, now H, actually asked you if you had had sex with his friend. Or at least hinted to that possibility. Am I right?

If so, you did not tell him the truth. Your relationship blossomed and you then got married. Now your husband has been told that you indeed had sex with his friend that night..

So, to me anyway, your boyfriend must have wanted to know this before he got more serious in your relationship. I'm not saying he wouldn't have married you had you had told him the truth then, but he would have been able to make his decision on the facts. I feel that this unto itself is the biggest problem here. Yes you were just starting out and the "lines" may have been blurry. Your Husband was looking for a clearer picture. It wasn't given to him. Now he's second guessing your whole relationship from the ONS on. I would too. I'm sorry, but you should have told him then. It would have sucked hearing it back then, but now... well I don't have to tell you.

I do hope you both can work this out.


----------



## Summer4744

How did your husband ask you? Did he ask just once or has this always been something that bothered him? What made him suspicious in the first place?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

married2012, I just had a strange thought. What if the friend was actually suppose to "test" married2012's "moral code" and report his findings to her now Husband? "Hey, if she get's touchy feely, let me know. She got touchy feely, the friend couldn't stop himself. They have a ONS. The friend is so worried about this, that he reports back "She was nothing but charming." Then on his friend's way to the alter, he has to 'fess up so the new Mrs. Friend doesn't find out after the wedding... I know, reaching, but it would explain the inter-state request for a semi-best friend to be escorted by his new girlfriend in a night on the town. Wouldn't it?

I'm sorry married2012 if it seems that I'm making light of you situation, I'm not, believe me. I just can't get over the fact that your Husband would have you(a new girlfriend) go out on the town, with his friend, while he's in another State. If he did indeed question you on if anything had happened on that night, this could be plausible. The way this whole night even came about is just so out of the norm...


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> married2012, I just had a strange thought. What if the friend was actually suppose to "test" married2012's "moral code" and report his findings to her now Husband? "Hey, if she get's touchy feely, let me know. She got touchy feely, the friend couldn't stop himself. They have a ONS. The friend is so worried about this, that he reports back "She was nothing but charming." Then on his friend's way to the alter, he has to 'fess up so the new Mrs. Friend doesn't find out after the wedding... I know, reaching, but it would explain the inter-state request for a semi-best friend to be escorted by his new girlfriend in a night on the town. Wouldn't it?
> 
> I'm sorry married2012 if it seems that I'm making light of you situation, I'm not, believe me. I just can't get over the fact that your Husband would have you(a new girlfriend) go out on the town, with his friend, while he's in another State. If he did indeed question you on if anything had happened on that night, this could be plausible. The way this whole night even came about is just so out of the norm...


That does seem odd to me since at that time he apparently was just somebody he knew and not really a "friend." 

How did he know him if he lived in a different state? 

Was your husband cheated on in a previous relationship or relationships? Did he come from a home where there was infidelity, particularly by his mom? A "test" seems odd but if he has trust issues then possibly. His response in addition to having such a long relationship before marriage (assuming because of him) could indicate trust issues.


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## illwill

Maybe you can offer a polygraph.


----------



## JCD

Just be blameless from here on. What would the Church Lady do? Do that (except on the bedroom)

Be very upfront. "I got drunk and made a bad choice (this isn't a mistake. I've been staggering drunk and not had sex with women who would have been happy at the chance). We both had a lot to lose, so we decided never to mention it again. EVER. It made me feel like a cheap and tawdry person and I wanted to forget I could ever do something like that to anyone, much less you."

"Right now, you probably think that every time I was alone with POS, I was giving him sultry looks or a hummer. No, I wasn't. I got more and more in love with you. But I have absolutely no way to prove this to you. And after this one lie, how can you believe me on this issue? Well, I'm saying it anyway. It was a one night thing and yes, I was not always the girl you pictured in your mind. I had a lapse and I feel as dirty now as I did when I woke up that morning."

"So...here is my cell and email passwords. Here is my FB password. Check whatever you want to. I may see me griping about you with my friends, but I love you and want to stay married to you. All this happened very early in our relationship before it solidified, but that doesn't justify me doing that to ANYBODY, much less you. And I am sorry that I hurt you. I never want to see that POS again, not because the truth came from him, but honestly, I don't think he acted very well as a friend. I didn't act particularly well as a long distance girlfriend either, but I've been doing a lot more for you since then. I've given you my life. I hope that's enough for you to get over this so we can remake our relationship."


----------



## NextTimeAround

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> married2012, I just had a strange thought. What if the friend was actually suppose to "test" married2012's "moral code" and report his findings to her now Husband? "Hey, if she get's touchy feely, let me know. She got touchy feely, the friend couldn't stop himself. They have a ONS. The friend is so worried about this, that he reports back "She was nothing but charming." Then on his friend's way to the alter, he has to 'fess up so the new Mrs. Friend doesn't find out after the wedding... I know, reaching, but it would explain the inter-state request for a semi-best friend to be escorted by his new girlfriend in a night on the town. Wouldn't it?
> 
> I'm sorry married2012 if it seems that I'm making light of you situation, I'm not, believe me. I just can't get over the fact that your Husband would have you(a new girlfriend) go out on the town, with his friend, while he's in another State. If he did indeed question you on if anything had happened on that night, this could be plausible. The way this whole night even came about is just so out of the norm...


Now I'm curious as to what the Friend was like. Was he competitive with your husband on various fronts, including dating, Married? 

about 20 years ago, I might have thought the request to meet up with a date's good friend alone while he was in town just a normal "we're all friends type request," but these days, I can see the problem with it.


----------



## JCD

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Would ANY man go on to marry a GF that fcuked his best friend whilst they were dating? Pre-marriage, whatever. There would not even have been a marriage had she told him the truth, and she knows it.
> 
> She herself in the thread title states that she cheated on him. So she knows that whatever their pre-marriage situation was, it was certainly exclusive. Her guilt, and his crushed self-esteem confirms this.
> 
> Lastly, I just don't know where this "pre-marriage, anything goes, fcuk 10 other men then go see your new BF whilst the other 10 are still dripping out of you, it doesn't matter, as it is just dating" thing comes from.
> 
> When I grew up, after several weeks of a sexual relationship, you just both "knew" you were exclusive and an item. I have never once had this "exclusive discussion" that people talk about, and in fact, the very notion perplexes me.


No one is saying that. Well, almost no one.

What has been said is this: She was not in a serious relationship with him at the time...but she was in an _intimate_ relationship of sorts. By her own admission, she was sorting through exactly what it was, ending up in that 'exclusive' zone' you are mentioning.

But regardless of where they were in the relationship, it was a tacky thing to do. Doesn't matter if they became soul mates, FWB, or just ships passing in the night. One doesn't just sleep with a friend of your lover. It's RUDE and tawdry and could mess up whatever her relationship was. Friend realized he crossed a serious man code line.

So she was GETTING to your zen state of exclusivity. Maybe this was the thing which gelled the relationship in her mind. "Oh god...how pathetic was that? It was much better with that guy in the next state over...that has feelings!"

That may be the benefit of the doubt talking.

I for one, believe that marriage actually MEANS something significant. So the 'I Do's are much more significant than "Can I wear your Letter Jacket, Biff?"

Also, turning her one slip into a whole line of men is quite the leap.

Stay with the facts of the case without adding any extra prurience.


----------



## shazam

married2012 said:


> First off you don't know how I feel and please don't assume to. I'm devastated I have never hurt anyone and I never imagined I would hurt my H Trust me I'm very sorry for what I did and yes I just wanted to pretend it never happened.
> 
> Trust me when I say this I'm not just going to leave and take the easy way out I will leave after all other options have been exhausted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I mean you hid it for years, did you feel bad the whole time or just because he found out?


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## sweetpea

Posters

Please keep to the facts. She hasn't had multiple affairs and the guy wasn't her husband's best friend. Please don't fabricate facts to make the situation worse than it already is. We want to help op in a supportive environment. 

I am asking for constructive advice from posters.


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## Jasel

Ya. I can understand some tough love + constructive critcism for a WS (which I don't even think the OP falls under) but some of these posts are pretty much just tough criticism and nothing else.


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## SadSamIAm

married2012 said:


> Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
> 7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again. My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?


I have a very similar story. 

When I was dating my now wife (after a couple of months of dating), I slept with an ex-girlfriend. About a year later, when my now wife and I were more serious, a friend of mine convinced me that I should tell her what I did. I told her, she was very upset, but we got married a few years later. It still bothers her and she still holds resentment about it and she still brings it up when we are fighting. We have been married for 25 years. 

I think of myself as a faithful husband. Been married for 25 years and never cheated. But she thinks of me as a cheater. 

Don't minimize how this affects him. Hopefully, over time, he will realize this happened at a time that your relationship with him was just starting. I hope he can let go of it and not have it affect your relationship long term like what has happened to me.


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## NextTimeAround

SadSamIAm said:


> I have a very similar story.
> 
> When I was dating my now wife (after a couple of months of dating), I slept with an ex-girlfriend. About a year later, when my now wife and I were more serious, a friend of mine convinced me that I should tell her what I did. I told her, she was very upset, but we got married a few years later. It still bothers her and she still holds resentment about it and she still brings it up when we are fighting. We have been married for 25 years.
> 
> I think of myself as a faithful husband. Been married for 25 years and never cheated. But she thinks of me as a cheater.
> 
> Don't minimize how this affects him. Hopefully, over time, he will realize this happened at a time that your relationship with him was just starting. I hope he can let go of it and not have it affect your relationship long term like what has happened to me.


did you ever introduce your ex gf to your wife at any time? Continue to socialise with your ex while dating your wife?

One (of a few things) that irks me about my fiance's EA (as we were not officially exclusive either) is that I know now certain things that happened were direct results of his relationship with her. Like refusing to buy a round when he was meeting my friends for the first time because I know now that he felt like his EA had twisted his arm to close a bar tab just the week before.


----------



## JCD

NextTimeAround said:


> did you ever introduce your ex gf to your wife at any time? Continue to socialise with your ex while dating your wife?
> 
> One (of a few things) that irks me about my fiance's EA (as we were not officially exclusive either) is that I know now certain things that happened were direct results of his relationship with her. Like refusing to buy a round when he was meeting my friends for the first time because I know now that he felt like his EA had twisted his arm to close a bar tab just the week before.


Here is the problem with that line of thinking. There are two interpretations.

If they acted totally differently and avoided one another avidly, H would be suspicous.

If they suddenly became chummy chummy...H would be suspicous.

IF she is telling the truth, and this was a one time thing, I'm betting that they were guided by H as far as where the relationship went.

As he got closer and closer to POS, well...what are you going to do? He was clueless about certain important facts when he made these friendship decisions. 

I'm betting that OP was sighing in relief now that POS was off the market and married. And now this happens.

Here is the problem, OP. Even if you said no, Hubby is wondering if POS kept making the occasional play for you. You need to be honest on that front.

I hope to God you didn't encourage the relationship with the guy. I'm betting that you did OCCASIONALLY and not because you had feelings, but just because of whatever. Social obligation, a sense of fun, knowing Hubby liked him...whatever.

But how does that look now? Your motives have been called into question so you need a good answer for H.


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## SadSamIAm

NextTimeAround said:


> did you ever introduce your ex gf to your wife at any time? Continue to socialise with your ex while dating your wife?
> 
> One (of a few things) that irks me about my fiance's EA (as we were not officially exclusive either) is that I know now certain things that happened were direct results of his relationship with her. Like refusing to buy a round when he was meeting my friends for the first time because I know now that he felt like his EA had twisted his arm to close a bar tab just the week before.


Doesn't really apply as the ex gf lived a few hours away. We might have seen her 3 times in the last 25 years. We never talk about her.


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## bandit.45

I see Married hasn't responded in a while....

I don't blame her. Forgive me for being blunt everyone, but this is the most worthless thread I have ever seen on CWI. Not helpful...no consensus...just everyone shooting their mouths off, including me. 

Epic fail.


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## Jibril

The big issue here is that we don't know where her husband stands in all this. We're just hearing Married's side. We have no idea how her husband is taking this, or what exactly is hurting him. It's all assumptions on our part. 

Married, tell your husband to post here. Because Bandit is right - this thread is going nowhere fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

bandit.45 said:


> I see Married hasn't responded in a while....
> 
> I don't blame her. Forgive me for being blunt everyone, but this is the most worthless thread I have ever seen on CWI. Not helpful...no consensus...just everyone shooting their mouths off, including me.
> 
> Epic fail.


I think it has been very helpful....well for me anyway.

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who still feels strongly at what can at best be described as inappropriate behavior years after the fact.

Some people also crystallised some of the misgivings that i still feel but had yet to articulate.

I think as we get older and have greater self esteem, we raise our game and have higher expectations for those who WANT to be around us.

Which manifests itself in various ways. I, for one, have come to despise that expression "I was just being honest." Sorry, but that's not enough for me these days.


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## married2012

Jibril said:


> The big issue here is that we don't know where her husband stands in all this. We're just hearing Married's side. We have no idea how her husband is taking this, or what exactly is hurting him. It's all assumptions on our part.
> 
> Married, tell your husband to post here. Because Bandit is right - this thread is going nowhere fast.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe he is more hurt about the lie than anything, I wish I knew more he is not really talking to me about it. He has acted distant and seems angry but he still says I love you and have a good day in the morning?? I'm not sure what he is thinking right now, neither one of us is the best at communicating and so far it does not seem that he wants to talk.


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## married2012

bandit.45 said:


> I see Married hasn't responded in a while....
> 
> I don't blame her. Forgive me for being blunt everyone, but this is the most worthless thread I have ever seen on CWI. Not helpful...no consensus...just everyone shooting their mouths off, including me.
> 
> Epic fail.


Its ok, I thank everyone for their advise, but yes there have been a few hurtful comments but I am sure I deserve some. And there is no way my H would post on here, he is just not that kind of person, plus I want us to work this out and most of you think he should get rid of me, I would rather him not think of that.


----------



## tacoma

married2012 said:


> I believe he is more hurt about the lie than anything, I wish I knew more he is not really talking to me about it. He has acted distant and seems angry but he still says I love you and have a good day in the morning?? I'm not sure what he is thinking right now, neither one of us is the best at communicating and so far it does not seem that he wants to talk.


This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon, keep being there for him, when you two do discuss it, make sure he knows you want him and your marriage more than anything.

If he asks you for anything, do it, stay humble, be there for him, show him in every and any way you can how much you value him.


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## Shaggy

You need to be looking to the future.

As I said before, time to completely clean your closet of skeletons.

Next you need to see about rebuilding trust. Accepting without any qualifications the responsibility for choosing to cheat on him, and to lie to him for 6 years.

Help him cut the false friend out your lives.

That's a start at showing him you are going to work hard to help him heal.

But realize he isn't going to trust you for a long time to come. Years even. And he is going to go through moments of depression and anger.


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## Shaggy

You should consider reading a book on surviving and affair, because to him this feels like that, he was betrayed by the woman he loves and trusted.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Shaggy said:


> You need to be looking to the future.
> 
> As I said before, time to completely clean your closet of skeletons.
> 
> Next you need to see about rebuilding trust. Accepting without any qualifications the responsibility for choosing to cheat on him, and to lie to him for 6 years.
> 
> Help him cut the false friend out your lives.
> 
> That's a start at showing him you are going to work hard to help him heal.
> 
> But realize he isn't going to trust you for a long time to come. Years even. *And he is going to go through moments of depression and anger.*


This makes me feel better since this is what I feel despite the fact that he's done everything right for more than an year and a half.


----------



## Lovemytruck

married2012 said:


> Lets get one thing straight, I did NOT f**k 10 other men or have them dripping out of me as you so eloquently put it.
> Times have probably changed since you dated, but just because you have sex with a guy numerous times does not mean you are in a committed relationship. For all I know he could have started seeing someone else while I was a home in a DIFFERENT state, hell as a matter of fact, I remember calling him during this time and he had 3 girls at his apartment, that he had been out with all night long at the bar and they slept there!! I didn't question him or ask what happened.


This is a tough thread, and a tough problem.

Looks like there has been some excellent advice, points, and counter points.

The quote above has me concerned about the tone. It is easy to get rattled over the pointed questions. I am sure that these will even be more difficult when they start getting fired from your husband. I went through a kinda, sorta similar experience that has some of the same issues. Think of these jabs from BSs as practice for your husband.

My exWW had a year long PA with a coworker and an EA (at least) with my best friend from childhood. During the PA I attended a work conference and stayed at a hotel across town from the meetings. I drank too much and stayed the night with one of the friends that was in a room with 2 beds at the conference location. She was a woman about my age. I told my exWW the day I returned home from the conference. 

My exWW was banging a coworker while I was out of town (didn't know this at the time). She was furious at me, and later used that as part of her blame on me for cheating. I was absolutely not attempting to cheat. It was stupid that I stayed with a "possible" OW, but it was NOT anything near cheating. 

Be careful when comparing your facts with your husband's. He may know that it is apples and oranges. I sure did, and he might if think Bullsh!t you say those kinds of things to him. He certainly knows that you know about it, and he didn't lie about it.

The friend. My experience was that this was a double betrayal. The coworker was at least a dude that didn't have to betray a friend to have sex with my ex. My former friend betrayed me as well as his wife. It was creepy, and in some ways more pathetic, even though I am not sure if it was a PA.

In the end it was about her lying and refusing to be accountable for the actions that kicked me over the edge.

Hope these things give you a little more perspective in trying to piece things back together.

Good luck!


----------



## TDSC60

married2012 said:


> I believe he is more hurt about the lie than anything, I wish I knew more he is not really talking to me about it. He has acted distant and seems angry but he still says I love you and have a good day in the morning?? I'm not sure what he is thinking right now, neither one of us is the best at communicating and so far it does not seem that he wants to talk.


I am sure it is the lie that hurts him the most.
He is thinking "How could she not tell me this? How could she let me continue to think that that azzhole was a friend to me? Were they laughing at their little private joke every time in the last 7 years that I have seen him or talked to him? What else has she not told me? Were their others after we got married?"

Even if you thought at the time you were protecting him with this little lie, do you understand how it can snowball down hill?

He will talk when he gets ready. Now his imagination is all over the place. Keep assuring him of your love for him.


----------



## bandit.45

married2012 said:


> Lets get one thing straight, I did NOT f**k 10 other men or have them dripping out of me as you so eloquently put it.
> Times have probably changed since you dated, but just because you have sex with a guy numerous times does not mean you are in a committed relationship. For all I know he could have started seeing someone else while I was a home in a DIFFERENT state, hell as a matter of fact, I remember calling him during this time and he had 3 girls at his apartment, that he had been out with all night long at the bar and they slept there!! I didn't question him or ask what happened.


Right on! Go girl!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Lovemytruck said:


> This is a tough thread, and a tough problem.
> 
> Looks like there has been some excellent advice, points, and counter points.
> 
> The quote above has me concerned about the tone. It is easy to get rattled over the pointed questions. I am sure that these will even be more difficult when they start getting fired from your husband. I went through a kinda, sorta similar experience that has some of the same issues. Think of these jabs from BSs as practice for your husband.
> 
> My exWW had a year long PA with a coworker and an EA (at least) with my best friend from childhood. During the PA I attended a work conference and stayed at a hotel across town from the meetings. I drank too much and stayed the night with one of the friends that was in a room with 2 beds at the conference location. She was a woman about my age. I told my exWW the day I returned home from the conference.
> 
> My exWW was banging a coworker while I was out of town (didn't know this at the time). She was furious at me, and later used that as part of her blame on me for cheating. I was absolutely not attempting to cheat. It was stupid that I stayed with a "possible" OW, but it was NOT anything near cheating.
> 
> Be careful when comparing your facts with your husband's. He may know that it is apples and oranges. I sure did, and he might if think Bullsh!t you say those kinds of things to him. He certainly knows that you know about it, and he didn't lie about it.
> 
> The friend. My experience was that this was a double betrayal. The coworker was at least a dude that didn't have to betray a friend to have sex with my ex. My former friend betrayed me as well as his wife. It was creepy, and in some ways more pathetic, even though I am not sure if it was a PA.
> 
> In the end it was about her lying and refusing to be accountable for the actions that kicked me over the edge.
> 
> Hope these things give you a little more perspective in trying to piece things back together.
> 
> Good luck!


This wasn't cheating. 

This was her lying. But she didn't cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

married2012 said:


> I believe he is more hurt about the lie than anything,





bandit.45 said:


> This was her lying. But she didn't cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wished I knew what lie you guys are talking about. I must have missed something.


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## NextTimeAround

To me, it just comes under the list of inappropriate and not wise. If you are going to screw around, why do it with the friend of a guy you think you could have a serious relationship with.

That's like I think in my situation, if my fiancé had any idea that our relationship would go the distance, then why miss important points between us. Like making plans to see me the day I return from a 3 week trip.

Plus for a anyone to have sex with someone their best buddy is dating just comes off as passive aggressive.

It's not cheating but it is inappropriate.....which is on the continuum of cheating......


----------



## Malcolm38

The level of cheating is debatable in terms of sleeping with his friend during that time when you first started seeing each other. 

BUT the sleeping with a friend and never telling him part would make me want to file if I was him. The cover up would be much worse than something that happened when you first met.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

married2012 said:


> Lets get one thing straight, I did NOT f**k 10 other men or have them dripping out of me as you so eloquently put it.
> Times have probably changed since you dated, but just because you have sex with a guy numerous times does not mean you are in a committed relationship. For all I know he could have started seeing someone else while I was a home in a DIFFERENT state, hell as a matter of fact, I remember calling him during this time and he had 3 girls at his apartment, that he had been out with all night long at the bar and they slept there!! I didn't question him or ask what happened.


married2012, don't let these types of posts keep you from comming back here. There are enough of us that actually want to help you for it to be worth you staying for a while.

Do you think your Husband would be interested in posting his own thread here? If he's open to it, it might help him(and you) work through this. Hang in there.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

To insinuate that she slept with 10 men and some of the other things that are being posted is not only not helping, it could drive her away. She just made light of the fact that her then boyfriend, now Husband had 3 women at his place the night her ONS occured. What do now have to say about him?...

We don't have all the facts, or even enough to make some of the assumtions that are being posted here. She scewed up. She came her looking for help. You don't have to handle her with kit gloves, but could we reign in some of the comments. They're not helping us.

I'm a former BS and I understand the shark mentality we have. One of use types an edgey post, then were on in, a big feeding frenzy. I agree that some of the WS's that come here need the harsher words. I don't married2012 is on of them.


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## sweetpea

Posts are being deleted for not following the guidelines.


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## jnj express

The only thing you MAY be guilty of is Ommission-----some where prior to saying vows, you might have told him, you didn't, ain't the end of the world, shouldn't be the end of your mge.

You were not exclusive, in different cities, and not in a committed relationship, you could have slept with everyone on your street---it was NOT HIS BUSINEES, at that TIME.

Also why now, 6 yrs later as to his buddy telling him---is the buddy still a buddy---this smacks of something not quite right maybe on your H's part

You need to tell him to get over himself, cuz I imagine, he has lied about things or possibly kept secrets----EVERYONE IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD HAS AND DOES!!!!!!


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## weightlifter

Did we ever find out if she DIRECTLY lied to him? Not omission. A bold faced LIE.

IE:
HOney did you fu(k my friend Fred 6 years ago?
No I did not.

Otherwise Im failing to see fault.
Cheating begins when exclusivity is agreed upon by both parties. As I understand it they had not gone exclusive at the time. She could damn well had 10 guys dripping out of her and its not his concern.


----------



## BjornFree

I just read your OP. I don't think its cheating unless you're exclusive. But you made a bad call when you decided to keep it to yourself. You should have confessed at the first opportunity you could have had a much more open and honest relationship without being scared and feeling guilty about the secret.


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## ThePheonix

weightlifter said:


> Did we ever find out if she DIRECTLY lied to him? Not omission. A bold faced LIE.
> 
> IE:
> HOney did you fu(k my friend Fred 6 years ago?
> No I did not.


I don't believe it was a bold face lie. I think she is playing the part of a "whipping boy" in hopes to appease her husband and rationalize his nonsensical reaction.


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## SadSamIAm

I think this is something that time will look after.

Of course he was hurt to find out his now wife slept with his friend many years ago. But the reality is they had just begun dating. 

Yes, she should have told her now husband about the friend, but I understand why she didn't. 

Give you husband some time. He is hurt by what he found out, but he will eventually come to realize this isn't the end of the world. 

I bet the chances are pretty high that your husband at one time dated someone for a bit and ended up with someone else. I bet this has happened to a fairly high percentage of people. If something like 30% of people cheat while married, what percentage of people cheat while casually dating? Many don't even think of it as cheating at all.


----------



## weightlifter

Uh OK I dont see cheating.

No lie. No horizontal hula while exlcusive...

NOT Cheating.

Medium trust breach yes, but NOT cheating


----------



## Anon Pink

married2012 said:


> Hi, I'm new here, but here's my story...
> 7 years ago when I first met my husband I cheated on him, we had just started dating and he asked me to go out with a friend of his that was in town, we ended up getting really drunk and sleeping together. I made a horrible mistake and we both agreed to never talk about it or mention it again. My husband and I just got married a few moths ago and we were really happy together, and his friend decided to tell him the truth about that night. My husband is devastated and wants to dissolve our marriage, he hates me now and says he will never trust me again. I'm not a bad person I swear, I've been a good wife and a good girlfriend. I would have to say I have put up with more than any one person would from a man and he knows that, but I think this may be a breaking point for him. I have already cried, said how sorry I was and he knows how much I love him. I'm lost I don't know what to do?


I got about half way down the list of posts before I couldn't stomach anymore!

It wasn't cheating because you were dating at the time. I wasn't infidelity and it wasn't adultery! You marriage is NOT based on a lie. But you marriage is very clearly based on your H being too insecure to put that one single incident behind him and move on.

Frankly, I think he's probably more pissed at himself and his friend than you. Some friend he has! I think your H is scapegoating you because this "friend" has just rubbed it in his face.

It was a mistake. You have apologized. You both now ow this "friend" isn't a friend and puts competition before friendship.

Tell your H to grow up and get over himself!


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## married2012

It was a bold face lie. I did lie when he asked, over the past few years it became a joke he would always joke that I slept with his friend and I would say no that's not true. I lied, I kept lying too. 
Did I feel guilt, yes every time he joked about it I did, but I knew he would flip out. he ignored me this morning, never said a word to me and the last email he sent me said he regretted marring me. 
I did however talk to his sister and told her what happened, she thinks this is ridiculous and he is behaving like a child. She said he has many skeletons in his closet and not to worry those may come out also. So I have no idea, at this point Im lost, I dont know what to do.


----------



## InlandTXMM

So it is the LIE that hurts him and has caused his lack of trust.

That and the humiliation and emasculation he feels knowing he and the two of you spent time together over the last few years and you both knew and kept it from him. Especially when he asked over and over for the truth.

That will be harder for him to get over than you think.


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## married2012

I dont think his sister is trying to stir the pot, I think she is just saying hey look everyone has skeletons and we all lie to protect others, and he should see that. 
I dont have anything else to lay out there, thats it. and trust me even if he had a skeleton, he would not throw it out there, its easier to play the victim than to be the bad guy and right now I am the bad guy and the most hated person.


----------



## InlandTXMM

married2012 said:


> I dont think his sister is trying to stir the pot, I think she is just saying hey look everyone has skeletons and we all lie to protect others, and he should see that.
> I dont have anything else to lay out there, thats it. and trust me even if he had a skeleton, he would not throw it out there, its easier to play the victim than to be the bad guy and right now I am the bad guy and the most hated person.


You're the "bad guy" because he based his actions and associations on false information. For example, had I known six years ago, I might be with you still but no way in hell I would still be friends with this man and give him continued access to my wife. But he was denied the opportunity to make that decision.

You did not lie to protect him. You lied to protect YOURSELF. Get that through your head and you will be one step closer to genuine reconciliation.

You cannot shift the blame for what you did to him. Please understand that the BS feels like the ground just gave way under their feet, and they are trying to grab hold of what is real and what isn't. He will now question EVERY SINGLE THING you ever did that made him suspicious. Every white lie just became evidence that you are not trustworthy. Every time you were late coming home is now open to speculation. It is not fair to you, but it is HELL for him.

And it isn't rational, but learning of a betrayal, even YEARS later, comes with the same emotional damage as if he just walked in on you both yesterday. It's ancient history to you. To him, it just finally became real.

He'll also be so angry because for years his gut was telling him something was wrong, and for years you told him he was, basically, crazy. So he's likely been beating himself up for years for suspecting his loving, faithful, truthful wife.

He now needs to re-assess you in light of this new evidence and see if he still wants the new, more correct version of you, that he now has to work with. I hope he will but he may not.

I'm not trying to knock you in any way. I am trying to help you see things from the other set of eyes.


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## carpenoctem

Lady:

WHY did the friend tell your husband after all these years?
Can you fathom a real reason for that?



If your husband has the following line of thought, how would you address it?

-- Your trysts continued even after marriage, and when the friend was about to get married, he wanted to call it off with you in order to make a clean start with his new wife. But you threatened him with exposure of some sort if he dared to break off with you (yes, that would jeopardize your marriage as well, but a threat is often mostly bluff, isn’t it?). So, he preemptively conveyed his version of it to your husband, before you relayed an exaggerated version, which put the bulk of the onus on the friend (say, he blackmailed you into continuing the affair).

Yes, this sounds like a paranoid / delusive scenario. Could he be that paranoid / delusive?


----------



## InlandTXMM

I bet the friend was truthful with HIS new wife (which is more than she was with her hubby), and knew it would come out. So he told him.


----------



## Anon Pink

"That and the humiliation and emasculation he feels knowing he and the two of you spent time together over the last few years and you both knew and kept it from him. Especially when he asked over and over for the truth."

That, right there is what the problem is and what to do about it. You can't fix half of his humiliation or emasculation because that is the result of this "friend" and not the fact that you slept with someone else while dating. You have done everything you can possibly do to apologize and get back to being married and working together.

It really sounds like your H is acting like a spoiled sport, like a sulking pouting child... he has said he regrets marrying you? He is NOT a BS!!! He has been lied to but hasn't been betrayed.

Then I suggest you take him at his word and honor his request. Maybe he will change his mind at some point down the road and maybe he won't. But do to really want this to be a shadow through out your entires married lives together?


----------



## InlandTXMM

Anon Pink said:


> "That and the humiliation and emasculation he feels knowing he and the two of you spent time together over the last few years and you both knew and kept it from him. Especially when he asked over and over for the truth."
> 
> That, right there is what the problem is and what to do about it. You can't fix half of his humiliation or emasculation because that is the result of this "friend" and not the fact that you slept with someone else while dating. You have done everything you can possibly do to apologize and get back to being married and working together.
> 
> It really sounds like your H is acting like a spoiled sport, like a sulking pouting child... he has said he regrets marrying you? He is NOT a BS!!! He has been lied to but hasn't been betrayed.
> 
> Then I suggest you take him at his word and honor his request. Maybe he will change his mind at some point down the road and maybe he won't. But do to really want this to be a shadow through out your entires married lives together?


Wow I wish people were as unemotional and completely rational as you insist they should be.

He's been lied to. About sex between his wife and a friend. For YEARS. Now he feels backed into a corner and might be lashing out a bit. Give the guy at least a few days to process this before turning him into a "spoil sport". What a tacky thing to call someone who just learned something like this.


----------



## married2012

InlandTXMM said:


> I bet the friend was truthful with HIS new wife (which is more than she was with her hubby), and knew it would come out. So he told him.


He didn't tell his new wife... he got drunk and apologized to my H, but he never told her, not that Im aware


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out*



InlandTXMM said:


> I bet the friend was truthful with HIS new wife (which is more than she was with her hubby), and knew it would come out. So he told him.


And, imo, everybody involved is now better off because the truth came out. It is just painful because this should never have been covered up.

If it hadn't have been covered up this whole story would be one you have already been laughing about with your h for years: "haha remember the time you inadvertently set me up for a date with that friend of yours, what-was-his-name again? Boy that was a mess, good times..."


----------



## InlandTXMM

Exactly. The sin is never as bad as the cover-up.


----------



## NextTimeAround

InlandTXMM said:


> I bet the friend was truthful with HIS new wife (which is more than she was with her hubby), and knew it would come out. So he told him.



Of course he's told his bride, so that the OP couldn't ruin his marriage by telling HIS wife that she KNEW him _(if you know what I mean) _before the wife did.

.....which says a lot about the selfishness of this friend.


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## NextTimeAround

One of the big issues that is going on here is that the husband is contemplating: If he had known that his wife had had sex with his friend at that time, would he have still wanted to marry her?

If the OP can convince him that he would have, perhaps this would be a non-issue.


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## BURNT KEP

InlandTXMM said:


> Wow I wish people were as unemotional and completely rational as you insist they should be.
> 
> He's been lied to. About sex between his wife and a friend. For YEARS. Now he feels backed into a corner and might be lashing out a bit. Give the guy at least a few days to process this before turning him into a "spoil sport". What a tacky thing to call someone who just learned something like this.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I can not agree more.


----------



## BURNT KEP

NextTimeAround said:


> One of the big issues that is going on here is that the husband is contemplating: If he had known that his wife had had sex with his friend at that time, would he have still wanted to marry her?
> 
> If the OP can convince him that he would have, perhaps this would be a non-issue.


So true if I had known my girlfriend slept with my friend early on in our relationship I am sure that would have been the end of both my friendship and relationship.


----------



## NextTimeAround

I'm in the position where I am asked --by those who know the details, mostly on message boards of course but sometimes in real life, -- if those things happened so early on, why are you still with him?

So instinctively, many people feel that no matter how good it may be going forward, knowing about the nitty gritty in the beginning -- 

in married's position -- her husband having to come to terms with her having had sex with her bf/future husband's friend 

and in my position, I had to deal with the indignity of my fiance's multidating and then being told what a great friend this woman was when she clearly saw me as competition, some friend that is.....--

it becomes annoying having to justify your choice and it does make you want to review things.......

it's difficult.


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## InlandTXMM

BURNT KEP said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> I can not agree more.


But look - the OP is "liking" the post calling her husband names.

I don't think she has it in her to truly reconcile. How can you like a post calling your husband a pouting child and spoil sport after you do this kind of thing to him?!


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## NextTimeAround

married2012 said:


> He didn't tell his new wife... he got drunk and apologized to my H, but he never told her, not that Im aware



How do you know? Have you asked her? Or does he try to keep the two of you apart?


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## weightlifter

This is in the wrong forum. This is a trust breach (big lie) not cheating.

IMHO Reconcile. Clearly. Yes she was wrong but...


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## NextTimeAround

weightlifter said:


> This is in the wrong forum. This is a trust breach (big lie) not cheating.
> 
> IMHO Reconcile. Clearly. Yes she was wrong but...


We agree that she was wrong is some way....... but it helps to understand the kind of emtions that her husband might dealing with.....


would you tell an anorexic, "here's lunch, eat it" and then think you solved all the problems.


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## BURNT KEP

InlandTXMM said:


> But look - the OP is "liking" the post calling her husband names.
> 
> I don't think she has it in her to truly reconcile. How can you like a post calling your husband a pouting child and spoil sport after you do this kind of thing to him?!


No wonder she does not want him here lol.


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## ThePheonix

married2012 said:


> I dont have anything else to lay out there, thats it. and trust me even if he had a skeleton, he would not throw it out there, its easier to play the victim than to be the bad guy and right now I am the bad guy and the most hated person.


In my observation, you're far from the bad guy. The jokes were indirect ways of making accusation. Since when is it required that a joke be answered seriously. See Proverbs 26:4, 5 for your correct response. Like your sister in law thinks, he is being childish and basically set the whole scenario, a ultimate trip up for himself. I'll say again, his skeletons ton the closet most likely out number yours by far. Maybe you need to inquire if he slept with anyone during this time. I'm lay odds he did.


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## Suspecting

Married2012, there is always the possibility that your husband is thinking if that ONS was really the only time you slept with his friend? Especially since you kept lying about it this long.


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## married2012

Suspecting said:


> Married2012, there is always the possibility that your husband is thinking if that ONS was really the only time you slept with his friend? Especially since you kept lying about it this long.


I would hope not, he cant possibly think that, H and I are not apart that often unless we are at work. I go home every night and we text till he gets home


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## married2012

NextTimeAround said:


> We agree that she was wrong is some way....... but it helps to understand the kind of emtions that her husband might dealing with.....
> 
> 
> would you tell an anorexic, "here's lunch, eat it" and then think you solved all the problems.


I do appreciate that, I am understanding more about how he feels and im trying to be sensitive to those feelings.


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## Anon Pink

Yes, let them react as they choose to.

Understand that going forward is the issue here, not judging what happened 7 years ago, or the subsequent lies to keep it in the closet. But how to go forward. My opinion is YOU can't go forward. Only your Husband can. 

Yes, he is absolutely acting childish. I just had a conversation along these same lines the other night with girlfriends. Women would be upset for a while, they might wonder about honesty going forward, but they would *mostly* put their energy into figuring out how to move forward with the marriage. Not so men. Men will brood and doubt and wonder and doubt and lick their wounds for the next ten years.

Thats the double standard that irkes me to no end. A woman who is *****ing about her H having slept with her friend while they were dating would be hell fire pissed off... For about a week. Then she'd get over it, never have anything to do with that friend and even tarnish the reputation of the friend, but her marriage would never come into question or doubt. And if she did voice those doubts about having married under false pretense, every other woman would tell her to GET OVER IT!

It's the double standards in what is acceptable that I can't tolerate. You guys are seeing yourselves in her H's shoes, but are you seeing yourselves in HER shoes? And if you did, how different would you answers be?


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## married2012

I know I hurt him by lying, I accept that, and I have done everything to try and tell him I'm sorry, he does not seem to care. I just want to fix this and make him feel better and not so hurt, I really never wanted to hurt him, ever


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## married2012

I have been cheated on before, several times, by different boyfriends. Some I broke up with and a few I forgave, yes it was difficult at the time but I got over it and moved on. I'm not asking my H to just get over and move on (yes I wish he would, but I know that's not right) but I'm asking for forgiveness for something that happened a long time ago.


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## azteca1986

married2012 said:


> I have been cheated on before, several times, by different boyfriends. Some I broke up with and a few I forgave, yes it was difficult at the time but I got over it and moved on. I'm not asking my H to just get over and move on (yes I wish he would, but I know that's not right) but I'm asking for forgiveness for something that* happened a long time ago*.


It might help you both if you are able to imagine it happened yesterday. There's a temporal distance that you enjoy, that your H does not.


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## NextTimeAround

azteca1986 said:


> It might help you both if you are able to imagine it happened yesterday. There's a temporal distance that you enjoy, that your H does not.


married, you have to accept that you had the chance to digest this starting the moment your "steamy sex session" --as the sun newspaper would put it-- was over 6 years ago. He is just starting that process now.

Think about it, would you think that it was fair that the IRS sent you an invoice backdated 6 years ago and with interest and penalties for the first time right now........


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Wow, what a thread.

Everyone seems to be one extreme or the other. There's the
"Hubby is insecure and needs to grow up"

And then the

"Brand her with a scarlet letter"

OP...you did betray your husband, not sexually but worse, in trust. You broke his trust multiple times.

Your hubby doesn't know what's real or a lie with you right now, even if your ONLY lie EVER is this one, you are now seen as a liar. My mother used to preach that to me, "It's how often you lie that brands you a liar, it's the fact that you lied once, so be VERY careful about telling the truth. Nothing hurts more than to tell the truth and have someone you care about not believe you." She was right! (I got that lesson when I was in second grade and my brother left the cap off the toothpaste and I ended up taking the fall and being blamed for it, my brother was a better liar than I was a truth teller LOL)

The reality for your husband is this.

1. NOONE likes to think about their spouse having sex while they were "together". Most can 100% accept it, but noone LIKES it.
2. The fact that the person was a "friend" kicks that up a bit

Those 2 things are easily overcome, it's the lie part.

All you can do is be 100% honest and keep expressing how it was a hole you dug and once in, you couldn't figure out how to get out. If he truly loves you, he'll get over it, as long as you don't have any other lies (if you do, get em out). If he doesn't truly love you, then it's over but that's not necessarily bad, do you want to be married to a man who doesn't love you enough to work through things.


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## 827Aug

Let's try this one more time. Another mod issued two warnings on this thread. I have just finished deleting a bunch of posts which were in violation of those warnings and/or a thread-jack. 

Please stop making ASSUMPTIONS and arguing among yourselves. We are here to offer constructive advice to the OP. Please be respectful towards other members!


----------



## The bishop

To me.... If it wasn't with his friend and you didn't lie about over and over.... I would agree with your SIL. But, if you can cheat with someone close to him an lie about it for years to come, what else are you capable of.... 

You guys lived in different states at the time and the relationship was new and before a true commitment. But if that is the case, why not come clean.... Well it is because who you slept with and the fact that your H trusted you two together without him there. You know how wrong it was.... Saying it was years ago.... Doesn't make it better for him but worse.


----------



## The bishop

It isn't "well I have been a good girl since, and he probably did the same, we were in different states and it was years ago". It is "she ****ed my friend and lied about it over and over for years. What else has she lied about, she is capable of anything.... **** I don't know her". 

Get it


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## MattMatt

married2012 said:


> I would hope not, he cant possibly think that, H and I are not apart that often unless we are at work. I go home every night and we text till he gets home


Sadly, of course he can think that! Why? Because you broke his trust and his heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: I cheated 6 years ago and he just found out*



The bishop said:


> To me.... If it wasn't with his friend and you didn't lie about over and over.... I would agree with your SIL. But, if you can cheat with someone close to him an lie about it for years to come, what else are you capable of....
> 
> You guys lived in different states at the time and the relationship was new and before a true commitment. But if that is the case, why not come clean.... Well it is because who you slept with and the fact that your H trusted you two together without him there. You know how wrong it was.... Saying it was years ago.... Doesn't make it better for him but worse.


Yes, it isn't the stuff that happened 6 years ago that he will have trouble forgiving, it is the stuff from up to a few days ago that he will have a hard time reconciling.


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## tacoma

Married2012,

How is he today?.
Have you two spoken about it at all yet or is he still silent?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## married2012

We have had some email conversations- nothing but small talk at home.
I find it odd that he has not yet told his mom about the situation- he tells her everything, they are very close. 

The emails have been pretty heartbreaking, he said he has a hard time looking at me, but he did say he did not regret marring me, that his anger comes in waves and he is trying to figure out how to deal with it.


----------



## tacoma

married2012 said:


> We have had some email conversations- nothing but small talk at home.
> I find it odd that he has not yet told his mom about the situation- he tells her everything, they are very close.


Misplaced shame, also this is an indicator he intends to stay with you.
He doesn't want you tarnished in his families eyes.
Makes for crappy holidays.



> The emails have been pretty heartbreaking, he said he has a hard time looking at me, but he did say he did not regret marring me, that his anger comes in waves and he is trying to figure out how to deal with it.


You're going to be fine if you don't screw it up.
You're also going to need the patience of a saint.
Vent here instead of at him if you need to.
Kid gloves with him.

Keep in mind the advice you've gotten..

Transparency
Empathy
Compassion
PATIENCE
Love 
Remorse

What has he done about his "friend"?
Anything?


----------



## NextTimeAround

I think this thread points out some categories of betrayal that come into play in committed relationships.

there are:

1. Adultery - you have to married for that to happen
2. cheating - you have to be officially exclusive for that to happen whether cohabitating or not
3. Inappropriate behavior - (if someone has a snappier term then please let us have it.)

Since the OP never told her husband about her assignation with is friend and always said no it never happened when it was raised even in jest, would that suggest that she was doing something wrong. 

One thing I learned in the early days of my relationship with my fiance was that there is a camp of people a la Dr. Laura (since my sister was big fan of hers), who pretty much said, since you're not exclusive yet, it's none of your business.

I'm sorry, it is my business. Because in dating, we know particularly when a man can afford it, that how much money he spends on a date says something about how much he values the person he is seeing.

and even better, if he is dating two women at the time, I'm sure most people would agree that the woman he spends more money on (the actual date, the transportation to and from, her friends.....) than the other, well which one would you conclude that he prefers most.

Perhaps a guy can help me see this a man's point of view, if you knew the woman that you were dating was dating another man.....what would be a few indications that she liked one guy more than another.........


----------



## tacoma

NextTimeAround said:


> Perhaps a guy can help me see this a man's point of view, if you knew the woman that you were dating was dating another man.....what would be a few indications that she liked one guy more than another.........


When I started dating my wife she was dating other men as well for the first few months.

The biggest indicator of her preference for me was that she was always available to me, she would put a date with me before time spent with another suitor.


----------



## NextTimeAround

In any case, I think it's appropriate on this message board to think about situations and behaviors in view of the possibility that you can see this person as your future spouse........ so that you won't screw it up......

and I mean it for people on both sides of the equation.......

I always think that I had allowed things to go one without my intervention, I could have back in 2011 spent half my week at my fiance's place; turning down offers to date other men; spending my savings on dating him as I wasn't working due to chemotherapy but he was always hassling me because he "forgot to go to the cash machine." ........

and then while continuing to be in contact with his EA, I could have been blindsided by their getting together because I don't want to act like I'm "jealous and insecure"

I'm glad I got over that.

In at least one conversation my fiance says that he regrets getting in touch with HER (real name). 

As far as the other side of this equation, if you knew that
1. having sex or even spending the night with your future husband's best buddy was going to be a problem 
2. dating one or more other guys who are not too discrete......

are going to create a problem with your future husband......

(I certainly learned at an early age that men don't like multidating.....)


----------



## JCD

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, let them react as they choose to.
> 
> Understand that going forward is the issue here, not judging what happened 7 years ago, or the subsequent lies to keep it in the closet. But how to go forward. My opinion is YOU can't go forward. Only your Husband can.
> 
> Yes, he is absolutely acting childish. I just had a conversation along these same lines the other night with girlfriends. Women would be upset for a while, they might wonder about honesty going forward, but they would *mostly* put their energy into figuring out how to move forward with the marriage. Not so men. Men will brood and doubt and wonder and doubt and lick their wounds for the next ten years.
> 
> Thats the double standard that irkes me to no end. A woman who is *****ing about her H having slept with her friend while they were dating would be hell fire pissed off... For about a week. Then she'd get over it, never have anything to do with that friend and even tarnish the reputation of the friend, but her marriage would never come into question or doubt. And if she did voice those doubts about having married under false pretense, every other woman would tell her to GET OVER IT!
> 
> It's the double standards in what is acceptable that I can't tolerate. You guys are seeing yourselves in her H's shoes, but are you seeing yourselves in HER shoes? And if you did, how different would you answers be?


Excuse me, but you are...perhaps not incorrect, but correct for only a small subsection of women.

If I had done this to my wife, where she found out that I had slept with another woman before marriage, I would probably set my cot up in a walk in freezer because it would be warmer than my marital bed!

I would be frozen out and treated like a lying sack of sh*t for at LEAST a month. It would come up for YEARS afterwards about how I did this..and did I look at that girl? How many women are you sleeping with now? Oh...did you trip and fall on top of ANOTHER of my friends?

My wife is behaving very well about this EA, but I'm still getting the insecurities and the passive aggressive "I want a divorce thing" *14 months* later.

And you know what? I OWN what I did. She asked me for an STD test. I never touched the woman. I was never in the same TIME ZONE of this woman...but I was in the time zone of SOME women.

So please get off your high horse about how evolved women are over men. Some are. Some aren't. This guy has had maybe a week or two to get over this, with OM rubbing his wounds in salt.

Give him a month and THEN you have room to criticize.

Frankly, I think this is more about the principle you constantly and vigoriously defend that a single woman can sleep with ANYONE she wants to and it's nobody's business but her own. I understand the trenchant attitude...but it's unrealistic because unrestrained sex like that will hurt someone. Take a look at this situation Q.E.D.


----------



## tacoma

NextTimeAround said:


> (I certainly learned at an early age that men don't like multidating.....)


Depends on context.

It never bothered me when I was single.
Goose/Gander and all that


----------



## azteca1986

married2012 said:


> The emails have been pretty heartbreaking, he said he has a hard time looking at me, but he did say he did not regret marring me, that his anger comes in waves and he is trying to figure out how to deal with it.


This is your chance to show him what you're made of. You can learn a lot about a person in times of adversity.


----------



## married2012

He has not done anything about the friend, not that I know. 
I did offer to leave, I said I would give him time and space if thats what he needed (he indicated that in an email) even for a few days or a year whatever he needed. He said no he did not want me to leave and he was going to work hard at overcoming this. Thats a good sign, right?

I do want to thank everyone for the great advise, I have really been trying this patience thing out, and I have been doing all that you guys have said. I know I messed up big time, but maybe, just maybe we will be able to move past this.

I do have to start taking a little better care of myself, I have been so stressed out this week I have not been able to eat or sleep and I feel sick all the time. I don't think Ill be must good to him or support if I don't eat a meal and sleep for a few hours. I'm glad its Friday at least I will have the weekend to recover.


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## dubsey

The difference is pretty obvious here. You knew it was wrong to some degree because you actively chose to keep it a secret.

Big difference between not telling, and actively conspiring to not tell.

He's probably upset it happened, but more upset by actively choosing to keep him in the dark. It makes it a bigger deal. Just try to make him understand that you know the secrecy was the bigger issue somehow.


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## tacoma

married2012 said:


> He has not done anything about the friend, not that I know.
> I did offer to leave, I said I would give him time and space if thats what he needed (he indicated that in an email) even for a few days or a year whatever he needed. He said no he did not want me to leave and he was going to work hard at overcoming this. Thats a good sign, right?


Yes, it's a great sign.
I really think the two of you are going to be ok.



> I do have to start taking a little better care of myself, I have been so stressed out this week I have not been able to eat or sleep and I feel sick all the time. I don't think Ill be must good to him or support if I don't eat a meal and sleep for a few hours. I'm glad its Friday at least I will have the weekend to recover.


Make this more of a priority for you.
You can't do him any good if you are falling apart.


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## tacoma

Guys, 

We're well beyond blaming and shaming.

I'm pretty sure the OP is well aware she ****ed up lets move on to helping her fix it a little more.

This place is supposed to be pro-marriage and this one is an easy one to help out with.


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## NextTimeAround

married2012 said:


> We have had some email conversations- nothing but small talk at home.
> I find it odd that he has not yet told his mom about the situation- he tells her everything, they are very close.


that's a good sign. If he tells anyone, he is going to be hassled for the rest of his life that you two are together whenever any problem of any magnitude arises and shows its face: "Why are still with her.... remember when she........."

Innocent bystanders can have some long memories....


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## NextTimeAround

tacoma said:


> Guys,
> 
> We're well beyond blaming and shaming.
> 
> I'm pretty sure the OP is well aware she ****ed up *lets move on to helping her fix it a little more.*
> 
> This place is supposed to be pro-marriage and this one is an easy one to help out with.


which includes helping her to understand how her partner and other (important) parties might feel about the situation


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## tacoma

NextTimeAround said:


> which includes helping her to understand how her partner and other (important) parties might feel about the situation


Most definitely.
I'm not saying to treat her with kid gloves but the "Sin" she's committed has been raked over the coals back and forth for 15 pages.
Let's stop beating her over the head with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

Married, in my opinion you're doing all you can do. The rest is up to him. If he's like some on this site, he'll be p.o.'d that you slept with his so-called friend, realize that his hands may have a little dirt on um, that the future years with you out weighs a single indiscretion before he was much more than a casual date and come to his senses. 
If he's like some others, you cheated and lied and can never be forgiven. If that turns out to be the case, believe me, you don't want to be yoked to someone who sits on the "throne of judgement" and doles you a lifetime sentence. 
If I were giving advice to him it would be this. Both me and my wife were casually dating several others before, when, and shortly after we started dating. We became exclusive and eventually got married. Ive never was and still not the type to ask, "Hey, I want you to tell me everything you done with all the guys you dated before you decided I was the one" I really don't care but her answer to that inquiry is not likely to give me warm and fuzzy feelings. 
BTW, she lies to me all the time. She tells me I'm the best husband in the world. It feels good but I'm not that naive.


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## dubsey

tacoma said:


> Guys,
> 
> We're well beyond blaming and shaming.
> 
> I'm pretty sure the OP is well aware she ****ed up lets move on to helping her fix it a little more.
> 
> This place is supposed to be pro-marriage and this one is an easy one to help out with.


I can't really tell, but if this was directed at me, I just wanted to clarify my last post in the event my post was read differently than I intended it.

I was simply trying to state that the secrecy would be a bigger issue to me than the act itself, even if I found out about it later. so, in any apologies whatever, I'd acknowledge that piece of it.


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## tacoma

Not directed at anyone dubsey just an overall plea to everyone.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

married2012 said:


> He has not done anything about the friend, not that I know.
> I did offer to leave, I said I would give him time and space if thats what he needed (he indicated that in an email) even for a few days or a year whatever he needed. He said no he did not want me to leave and he was going to work hard at overcoming this. Thats a good sign, right?
> 
> I do want to thank everyone for the great advise, I have really been trying this patience thing out, and I have been doing all that you guys have said. I know I messed up big time, but maybe, just maybe we will be able to move past this.
> 
> I do have to start taking a little better care of myself, I have been so stressed out this week I have not been able to eat or sleep and I feel sick all the time. I don't think Ill be must good to him or support if I don't eat a meal and sleep for a few hours. I'm glad its Friday at least I will have the weekend to recover.


Signs ARE looking up. Avoiding telling mom is a big thing. He is hurt and angry. It is the continuation of the lie which is galling.

Okay...early on...he can sort of rationally 'get' that you'd want to keep this secret. Your relationship was unstable and you WEREN'T exclusive.

BUT...as time went on, he kept throwing you these 'jokes' as opportunities for you to come clean to him. This might have been subconsious on his part...but I think that it's true.

Supposedly after *6 YEARS* and a marriage, you'd think your relationship would be strengthened enough for you to come clean to him. But you didn't. You would have taken this to your grave.

Instead, POS told him in a probably horrific smirking and pseudo weepy off hand condescending manner.

YOU, his soul mate, didn't trust him enough. So it isn't just the lie. It isn't that he can't trust you. It's also (partly) that *you didn't TRUST HIM!!!*

I say this so you can understand some of what might be going through his mind and not to trash you. He may see you as seeing your young and burdgeoning relationship still looks pretty damn weak in your eyes. What other conclusion could he reach?

So you need to convince him otherwise. You need to inform him in a way that he will believe (AND SINCERLY. If you aren't sincere, don't bother!) that you invested 6 years in him BECAUSE you value your relationship very highly. That your reticience on this wasn't because of lack of trust, but because of visceral shame and self loathing. It wasn't a lack of trust in him, or ANY feeling for the POS. It was to avoid causing him pain, weakening a relationship that you valued the hell out of, and to forgeet that awful night ever happened.

Obviously, despite what Anon Pink said (Not a slam) you DID feel pretty crappy about doing this. Why else keep silent? That suggests more emotional investment in him then you realized. Okay...that's to your credit...not MUCH credit, but beggers...choosers...

He wants to find a way to fix this. 

One thing i would add to the list is opening up your phone as a GPS and being honest about ANYTHING he asks. Brutally honest. Do NOT spin. Do not leave things out...but give your thoughts on any dicey subject so he knows how YOU were thinking...not however he wants to interepret it.

Also...don't be surprised if your hubby wants to go after the OM. He's just as guilty as you are and he isn't having sex with hubby (to your credit). If he does, you hold his coat, you have a FRANK AND HONEST talk with the fiance...you do whatever he needs to do. Because for 6 years, you tacitly took the side of the OM on THIS issue (not all issues)

You need to rectify that. You can, of course, suggest he doesn't do anything which will require bail money, but short of that, you got a lot of makin up to do, Lucy...


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## shazam

ThePheonix said:


> Married, in my opinion you're doing all you can do. The rest is up to him. If he's like some on this site, he'll be p.o.'d that you slept with his so-called friend, realize that his hands may have a little dirt on um, that the future years with you out weighs a single indiscretion before he was much more than a casual date and come to his senses.
> If he's like some others, you cheated and lied and can never be forgiven. If that turns out to be the case, believe me, you don't want to be yoked to someone who sits on the "throne of judgement" and doles you a lifetime sentence.
> If I were giving advice to him it would be this. Both me and my wife were casually dating several others before, when, and shortly after we started dating. We became exclusive and eventually got married. Ive never was and still not the type to ask, "Hey, I want you to tell me everything you done with all the guys you dated before you decided I was the one" I really don't care but her answer to that inquiry is not likely to give me warm and fuzzy feelings.
> BTW, she lies to me all the time. She tells me I'm the best husband in the world. It feels good but I'm not that naive.


If you found out she had sex with all of your friends ant a sibling lets say, you would care.


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## ThePheonix

shazam said:


> If you found out she had sex with all of your friends ant a sibling lets say, you would care.


Well heck Shazan, why don't we add a corporate CEO, a couple or three of neighbors, a preacher and a barbershop quartet to the list of possible suspects. She was a 6 year divorcee with two kids when I met her, so I'll just have to assume the worse. But if I think about it, if I wanted to marry a virgin, I'd stayed away from women in their mid thirties with two kids.


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## Shaggy

OP,

Let me give you this advise. If you for even an instant give him the insensitive, my way or the high way, oh grow up and stop acting like a child crap anon pink has throw out here, you marriage will be done as soon as the words leave your lips.

If you give him attitude instead of patience, defiance instead of care and understanding what he will hear from you is:

I don't value you, I don't care or respect that you are hurt by my choices and lying. And he will believe you are not worth being married to.

Anon talks a great game, but she does at the cost of showing any respect for your husbands feelings, he does feel hurt and betrayed by the most important person in the world to him.

Part of respecting a persons feelings is to not belittle them for feeling them.

Many people seem to be getting emotionally attached to arguing if you cheated on a technicality or didn't cheat on a technicality.

Neither matters frankly. All that matters here is what he feels you did and if he is willing to have you stay in the marriage with him.

He's lost trust in you. He's deeply hurt that he lost you as the person he could always count on to be honest.

Focus on building his trust in you, and focus on healing him.


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## bandit.45

This thread is still going?

Man you people sure know how to squeeze blood from a turnip.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## btdt

As his anger subsides, I do think he's going to realize that this incident is not worth ending the marriage.

Just realize that at some point he may do something where he has to make a decision whether he's going to be truthful with you. With the precedent you've set, he may not feel at all obligated to be honest with you.

I believe in your original post, you indicated that there's a lot you've had to put up with in the relationship. Be prepared to have to put up with a whole lot more.


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## ThePheonix

I may throw in the towel Bandit. Shazam's too good at ad hominem fallacy.


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## bandit.45

Lord!

The OP gathered up her toys and went home days ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## btdt

bandit.45 said:


> Lord!
> 
> The OP gathered up her toys and went home days ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She posted yesterday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

btdt said:


> She posted yesterday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probabl came back to get her keys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

> From the information presented, I didn't conclude she had relations with a "string of his friends". I did conclude her and hubby were not seriously involved and the time of the incident and their relationship was so casual, hubby set up a date between her and his friend. I think its possible that hubby is reacting not so much at being mislead about the sex that occurred. *But rather it took his friend just one date to accomplish what it may have took hubby several dates to do and the so called friend actually got there first.*
> I'm not one to recommend that a man ask his girl for the details of sexual encounters she's had with other men. Even though it may be the "get it out on the table" truth, it can create a relationship wound and self doubt from which you will never recover. Is it really going to help you feel better having her verify she and her previous boyfriend use to do in the marina parking lot where you now launch your boat. Or tells you the dreaded, "he was a lot bigger but yours is fine".


For me the female equivalent to this scenario would be when dating my future husband he would be insisting that women go dutch with him and therefore either insist on my paying for date regularly or avoiding situations that would cost money altogether.

Now imagine
1. Finding information through whatever means that he had dated another just recently for whom he was happy not only to pay for the dates; but also he transportation AND also on at least two occasions closed bar tabs for her and her friends.

2. That dating situation overlapped some time that you were dating him making you wonder if your future husband was trying to rob Peter (you) to pay Paul the other woman he is going out with...

3. that it was a friend of yours and he knew that...... which kind of has in your face sting to it. It would make you rethink everything that was said and done between you two and how his behavior and choices with you might have been influenced by his dating and treatment of this other woman.

Yes, there is a phase of dating in which whatever the other person does is "none of our business" but we all, men and women, would like to think that the person with whom we forged a long term relationship thinks of us as special and always thought that way about us. 

And if it took the guy 3 dates before he had sex with his future wife, the hope is that took at least 5 dates for all the other guys to "crack it."

And same for a woman. I found out that my fiancé offered taxi fare to his just a friend ex, at a time when she was still sampling other men --and he knew this. It took 18 months before he offered to pay for a taxi for me.

This is likely what Married's husband is subconsciously dealing with. and this is why we keep our dating info to a minimum with the people we date........ to the point that most people know to date as few people as possible out of the same social circle where information gets passed around more quickly.

We can say it's none of your business all we want....but it doesn't make your partner stop wanting to know and compare.


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## MattMatt

Well, I just hope she is careful about what advice she takes from this thread. "Yeah, so I cheated on you? Big deal! So what? Grow up!" Will not work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> Well, I just hope she is careful about what advice she takes from this thread. "Yeah, so I cheated on you? Big deal! So what? Grow up!" Will not work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. This thread was a screen door on a submarine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

MattMatt said:


> Well, I just hope she is careful about what advice she takes from this thread. "Yeah, so I cheated on you? Big deal! So what? Grow up!" Will not work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Matt, this will work perfectly, it just won't save the marriage.. The D attorneys will be making a bunch of money however.

I've been around a long time and suggesting to your SO to grow up has yet to be received positively.


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## NextTimeAround

bandit.45 said:


> Agreed. This thread was a screen door on a submarine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what advice would you offer?


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## bandit.45

Her husband needs to grow up. She needs to quit hiding things. Simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

NextTimeAround said:


> what advice would you offer?


It doesn't matter when she had the affair. To her cuckolded husband IT IS AS IF IT HAD HAPPENED NOW!

He lost his faithful wife and he lost his best friend at the same time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> It doesn't matter when she had the affair. To her cuckolded husband IT IS AS IF IT HAD HAPPENED NOW!
> 
> He lost his faithful wife and he lost his best friend at the same time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It wasn't an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> It wasn't an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK Let's call it an act of extracurricular carnal congress that was sans the participation or knowledge of her significant other. I think that might work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

bandit.45 said:


> It wasn't an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Irrelevant what you label it. The fact that she at time entered into a pact with the OM not to the her then BF shows she knew it wasn't ok and would harm her relationship with the BF.

If she had been honest none of this would be going done today, but it is, and her husband has found out that she will choose to lie to him to protect herself.


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## NextTimeAround

Shaggy said:


> Irrelevant what you label it. * The fact that she at time entered into a pact with the OM not to the her then BF shows she knew it wasn't ok and would harm her relationship with the BF.*
> 
> If she had been honest none of this would be going done today, but it is, and her husband has found out that she will choose to lie to him to protect herself.


It may have ended her relationship with her future husband right then since it's easier to move on when the investment is still small.

Back in my 20s, I can think of couple of instances of guys not returning my phone calls when they saw me out with another guy..... not having sex, not his friend, and no declaration of exclusivity........ No wonder we know to keep this info under wraps.


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## JCD

NextTimeAround said:


> It may have ended her relationship with her future husband right then since it's easier to move on when the investment is still small.
> 
> Back in my 20s, I can think of couple of instances of guys not returning my phone calls when they saw me out with another guy..... not having sex, not his friend, and no declaration of exclusivity........ No wonder we know to keep this info under wraps.


QFT!

If I know my current wife had been...sampling the other local talent, irregardless of if it was my friend, I may have continued to have sex with her, but I would not have married her.

This is outside the idea of 'exclusivity'. At least for me, if we are intimate, we're exclusive. If she isn't, than we are not compatible at all.

You seem to understand the male mind pretty well in this regard.

One of my mottos: Don't ask any question you don't want the answer to. That DEFINITELY applies to dating life.


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## married2012

bandit.45 said:


> Agreed. This thread was a screen door on a submarine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have not been anything but completely understanding and nice. I have been very compassionate and understanding mostly due to the advise I have received about how he feels and how to handle it. We are having a great day so far he is being great. He seems to be over it for the most part but I know that his anger comes in waves so I'm bring really understanding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123

That is all you can hope for. Keep showing him you love him and you chose him. It takes time and you are doing very well.

Turn this into a positive and demostrate your commitment.


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## married2012

jim123 said:


> That is all you can hope for. Keep showing him you love him and you chose him. It takes time and you are doing very well.
> 
> Turn this into a positive and demostrate your commitment.


I will do just that!! Thank you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123

It will work out. Flirt a bit. It is the little things that make the difference.

Learn a few things and keep moving forward.


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## warlock07

NextTimeAround said:


> It may have ended her relationship with her future husband right then since it's easier to move on when the investment is still small.
> 
> Back in my 20s, I can think of couple of instances of guys not returning my phone calls when they saw me out with another guy..... not having sex, not his friend, and no declaration of exclusivity........ No wonder we know to keep this info under wraps.


Make decisions for self.


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## victarion

Ouch! Six years, that's rough. No debilitating guilt during the six years?


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## TDSC60

Not bashing here. Just throwing this out to add to Married's understanding of what her husband may be dealing with and some of you guys have touched on this already.

First I will say that Married seems to be doing everything she can at the moment.

Also, as stated before, I don't think it is the actual ONS that is so upsetting to her husband, it is the lie that has been perpetuated for years on end.

Plus because of the lies (from her and the so called friend) he remained friends with this guy. Now he is thinking of every time they hung out together, every time he bought the guy a drink, and every time he did a favor for this guy he thought was his friend, how his so called friend was thinking I screwed your now-wife years ago then you went and married her. You dumb ass. He is humiliated.


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## Jasel

married how is it going?


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## TRy

married2012 said:


> I did offer to leave, I said I would give him time and space if thats what he needed (he indicated that in an email) even for a few days or a year whatever he needed. He said no he did not want me to leave and he was going to work hard at overcoming this. Thats a good sign, right?


 Do not ever offer to leave him again. You forced his hand too early. In doing so, you in fact called his bluff and made him reveal that he wanted you to stay. You took a bit of his dignity away from him as you made him be the one asking you to stay, instead of you being the one begging for him to give you a second chance. He will resent you for this later.


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## victarion

Insightful Try, man you guys are good at this here, I'm impressed!


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## Biscuits

souling107 said:


> What happened is in the past. I think your husband would have to accept that it is in the past, have the ability to forgive you and the incident, and be willing to give your marriage a chance in order to move on with the marriage. You have done all you can and it is now up to him.


What fairy tale are you living in. 6 years ago, her and the friend try to bury it and it came back to bite her. If the guy is really that bad, why did you marry him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister

TRy said:


> Do not ever offer to leave him again. You forced his hand too early. In doing so, you in fact called his bluff and made him reveal that he wanted you to stay. You took a bit of his dignity away from him as you made him be the one asking you to stay, instead of you being the one begging for him to give you a second chance. He will resent you for this later.


Good point. Keep up the tough work OP.

If you're truly commited and he see's that it may work.


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