# Unhappy newlywed



## nurselove (Sep 4, 2012)

It´s been about a year and a half since I´ve been married and I´m unhappy. He´s never been affectionate and I´m pretty much a bundle of love. We moved away from our hometown and although I have friends living where I am, I still feel lonely.

My husband is currently studying to finish his specialty in medicine so the hours are very demanding and I understand that he´s tired when he comes home. I should probably also mention that he studies and I work, so I´m pretty much bringing home the money. He´s never lived alone, he basically went from his house to ours and has never been in charge of bills and what not, and he also has no idea how much things cost, he just wants something and boom, waits for it to magically appear. Anyways I guess you could say we´ve had "domestic" arguments this past year, which is probably normal...adjusting and all. But after a year and a half we´re constantly having the same fights. I´m tired of repeating the same things to him and I feel like such a ***** every time I call his attention. I understand this situation also annoys him and he pretty much doesn´t want to be at home. 

Also this year all of a sudden all he wants to do is party (keep in mind that he´s doing is specialty). His friends and other doctors in his surrounding are all pretty hardcore...they all get together on any day (even weekdays) and get wasted even if they have to be at the hospital for 24hrs the next day! Obviously I tell him this isn´t a great idea and when he listens to me he grumbles and when he doesn´t, he goes anyway and sometimes doesn´t come home till 5. At first he would just go, and I´d try to be tolerant and not say anything, but it truly bothered me that he would be out so late, not only because I consider it inappropriate, but because of his sake! The next day he´d go to the hospital for 24hr shifts and come back totally tired, go to bed and that was it...no time for us. Eventually I told him it bothered me, and that I at least wished he would take me with, and on days that he had something important the next day he wouldn´t be out till late because I thought it was irresponsible.

Speaking of no time for us, since we´ve been married it´s been like that, no time for us. It´s always his studies, the hospital and when he has time it´s facebook or his buddies. I asked him to spend more time together and he said we already did (watching tv at home while having lunch). Ok so there´s no time for us, because he has to study, right? I can cope with that, but why, when he does have time, does he perfer these other things? This topic plus the domestic fights, have snowballed now into this whole thing...

A few months into our marriage I noticed one night, when he was studying late, I woke up to get a glass of water and he was startled and started clicking away at the computer. This obviously makes me suspicious...so since then I´ve been snooping around (which I probably shouldn´t do if I trust him, right?)...anyway, I search the history and find that he´d been looking at porn, which bothered me because I´m right there in the next room! I told him it also bothered me and asked him to be honest with me, that I perfer he didn´t hide things from me. So a couple of months later I forget a few pills and so he goes out to buy condoms, which we haven´t used in years. So he buys a 3-pack and we use one. Afterwards I store them away in his drawer and don´t think much else of it...another day I´m going through his backpack and find the condoms there, still 2 in the pack. So I´m thinking, this is weird, why would he need condoms in his backpack? So if he doesn´t need them, then he probably won´t notice if I take them out right? So I take them and hide them....A few months go by and I check his backpack again and find ANOTHER 3-pack box of condoms, also with 2 inside, but this time I´m absolutely sure we haven´t used condoms since that last time. So now I´m freaking out...I confront him about it and he calmly says that he has them "just in case", so then I ask, where is the other one? According to him he doesn´t know...

Adicionally on this same day, I read some texts on his phone of a day when I was out of town. I decided to travel because he had this big test coming up and little time to study for it. Before I leave he tells me about this party that some interns are throwing and I ask him if he´s going to go, and he says, "probably not", and I tell him it´s for the best because he has a lot of studying to do...I talk to him on the phone later and I hear him outside...so I ask where are you? and he says "on the balcony" (weird because it´s winter and it´s hella cold), I ask about the party again and he says he´s not going. I tell him that if he REALLY wants to, he should just go, because I don´t want him to lie to me. So he says OK, he´d go for a little while. The next day I talk to him he says the party was ok that he went from like 11pm-3 am. Well the texts on the phone said differently...before we talked he was talking to his buddies about picking them up (around 6pm) and they were getting together about 9 pm...(we talked at around 10:30pm) and then there were text about him coming home at around 5:30, and guess what, the next day he was on shift...lying to me.

So like I said I confront him about the condoms and the party and he confesses that when we talked he was already there, and that he got wasted and drove home drunk at 5:30. I asked again about the condoms and he swore that he didn´t know where the missing condom was, and that he´d never used one or been with someone else. I told him that I was tired of him lying to me and if he had lied about anything else that he´d better tell me. That´s when it hit...

My husband and I dated for 7 years before we got married, and we took each other´s virginity, never been with anyone else...He confessed that at his bachelor party he slept with the stripper. Even after I had cried and begged him to behave at the party and told him I was super worried that something like that could happen. Looking back retrospectively, the sex on our wedding night sucked. I just thought he was tired...but now I know why...

I´m super heartbroken, and can´t think of anything else...he still swears he hasn´t been with anyone else...and he swears that he didn´t even finish with the stripper because he realized what he was doing.

I really do love him, but I don´t want to be an idiot...I don´t wanna lose my marriage, but how can I trust him? I feel like all of this is snowballing and I have no one to turn to...my husband is the one person who knows how to calm me down...but now that the trouble is coming from him...who do I turn to? I know I have my friends, but they also have their lives and I just don´t feel as good with them. 

Am I being an idiot? What can I do to save my marriage?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Can you keep gathering proof by looking at his texts? Can you look at his email and FB? Key logger on his computer? The condom thing and the lying and having no time for you....all red flags that something isn't right.


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## nurselove (Sep 4, 2012)

You´re definately right moxy...red flags...which is why I´m terrified. I´ve been on his facebook, gmail, hotmail, text messages, whatsapp...nothing. Nothing else coincides with him cheating, at least with anyone specifically. I have a few friends that work in the hospital he works at (although not directly with him) and they don´t suspect anything either.


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