# How to say not interested politely?



## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

This guy I occasionally chat to at a gym is definitely interested in me. But I am not. I am newly separated and don't even want to hear the word dating or relationship right now. I think he broke up with his g/f recently and I think he is about to ask me out. He is not my type at all but I like him as a friend. How do I say "no" nicely? And what should I "do" to signal that I am not interested in him in that way? Help, I am no longer good with these things.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

You just said it!..or you can say..I like chatting with you but I'm so not ready to start dating at this time and don't know when...if he's nice like you say he is, he will understand


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just practice saying, "Thanks for asking, but no" or "Thanks, but I'm not interested." 

If you add the part about "I'm not ready" he may take that as a cue to keep waiting/watching/trying. It's hard to be so definite in a rejection, but it is better in the long run so that a guy knows he is not on your radar. If you feel you must say something more, you can add, "Thanks, but no, I really see you just as a friend." 

I hope the men set me straight if this is too blunt. In the ideal world, a woman says no and a guy gives it one more shot, just in case the first time really was inconvenient for her. He understands that 2 rejections is a clear signal that she isn't interested. She knows that if she wants to see him and she can't make the offered dates, she offers an alternative so he knows she's interested but really not available at the offered time.

That's the ideal world. As I remember it (and we are talking 1984, which might as well be 1934), it just worked better to be blunt. 

And, of course, the same strategy can work when a woman asks out a guy--which I strongly encourage. If he refuses twice, he's just not that into you (and it may be b/c he likes the "thrill of the chase," but if you are not the kind who waits to be chased, then you two aren't a good match anyway!!)

Good luck; let us know how it goes.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Start making him "the friend" and talking to him about other guys you find attractive.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Thanks for some great advice. "I just see you as a friend" is a good one, clear and not too harsh. Talking to him about other guys is a good one too, but when he's talking to me he doesn't see anyone else, his eyes are glued to me, like he's looking into my soul or something, so it seems sort of funny to say "Gosh, isn't that guy over there hot?" LOL. Like he would know such things anyway, haha. He'd just reply with something like "No. But you're hot"... LOL. Anyway, I definitely want to be direct, I am a direct person (and sometimes I seem rude because of that) but don't want to hurt this guy or give him false hope (not ready YET). "I really see you just as a friend" will do. Thanks.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OneMarriedGuy said:


> Start making him "the friend" and talking to him about other guys you find attractive.


I like that, but do guys get it? Do they understand that once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone? 

C'mon, guys, what was it like for you?


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

maybe not - maybe they may think - friend zone is at least close so that one day you may pop into the friends with benefits zone 

fwiw - I think it is applies to both genders, certainly not all from each but yeah, at least some from each.

Reality is... blunt and to the point is probably the most painless and humane in the long run. Tis better to have your nuts cut off than to be drug behind a car by them first and THEN have them cut off.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OMG, thanks. The dragging thing makes it clear to me.

And yep, I think the FZ works both ways, although in my experience, when a woman puts a guy in the FZ it is precisely b/c she cannot imagine having sex with him, ever, for any reason. Guys may be less picky, I guess, depending on how desperate they are. But I would say, guys, if you are in the FZ, your chances of ever moving out--and ever getting any sex out of this relationship--are 0%. I hope other women will correct me if I'm wrong!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I like that, but do guys get it? Do they understand that once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone?
> 
> C'mon, guys, what was it like for you?


Ha!

I'm one up on you ladies for a change. It's not "once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone."

First of all, to answer the question. . .yes. . .that's a fine way to reject him and 95% of guys will get the message and move on.

However, my new tactic is to say, "Yes, great! Let's be friends." and then, get this. . .actually nuture a friendship. You back off. . .back way off but still just be a friend in whatever way. Women often change their mind.

I have a date tonight with a woman I did that with - she wanted to just be friends, I said great. . .called her during a recent crisis. . .inquired about her when she was sick. . .but often went 1-2 months without makng contact.

(don't want to stalk, LOL)

Then she referred me for a new job. I got it and now I am taking her out to dinner tonight "as a thanks" to a romantic resteraunt and she told our co-workers about it so I think it's crossing over from platonic and she is breaking her "no-dating-coworkers" rule of why she wouldn't go out with me before.

(we both are on staff at two hospitals - imagine the forum's shock to learn that hospital employees often hook-up and sleep with each other - bet you weren't privy to that scoop)

I'll let you know if I score tonight (1rst base and on).

So, just be careful. . .some guys know how to field the "Let's just be friends line." Before you know you are lying next to him in bed smoking a cigarette. 

Women often find being listened to irresistable.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

PS: I post this to the OP to let you know - you say you aren't interested (and on one level, that's very true!!!) but it's just that your female brain lags the male brain on wanting to mate or not.

He wants to mate with you (the stare).

You do not because you are still sizing him up.

Very female of you.

Part of the dance. Good luck.

your friend, 

Scannerguard


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

I posted this a while ago. Wow lots has happened since. I moved cities, met new people... Now I think I might be the one being told "lets be friends"! How do guys say it without actually saying it? Does a kiss on the cheek after the first date mean he only wants to be friends - or is he just being a gentleman?


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Well, if you let him know you had fun and would like to go out again and he doesn't ask you out again, it was "just friends". Ya never know what life experiences people had and where he is at in life now. Maybe he just wants to show he respects you and take it slow. 

I know I've been little help other than giving you a "time will tell" but...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> But I would say, guys, if you are in the FZ, your chances of ever moving out--and ever getting any sex out of this relationship--are 0%. I hope other women will correct me if I'm wrong!


Had that happen a couple of times back in HS, but the funny thing is, when they found out my parents had money, I moved pretty quickly out of that friend zone for some odd reason. Although at that point, I already knew why I was getting some so I tapped it and thanked them for the good night and that was that. Put me back in the FZ please thx.

Do you know that really pisses off those kind of girls. They actually get upset that I used them just for sex, like they weren't gonna use me for my parents money. Oh to be young and so cruel and never give a second thought to what you do ever.

As to the OP, just come right out and tell him and get it over with. I just got out of a LTR and only see you as a friend. Hopefully you understand and this won't affect our friendship.


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