# What do I do?



## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

My wife and I had been married for almost 10 years when I found out she was involved in an emotional affair online. Things had felt off and I discovered stuff on her laptop. Their relationship was entirely over Facebook, various virtual worlds, and Skype (text, voice, and video conferencing). They never met since he lives 24 hours away by car and we've got three kids and me back in school. There was no time to meet. She made plans to when she was going to a family wedding. She made plans, but she called them off before I even found out about the EA.

Anyways, we've been trying to work things out. Initially, I tried to treat it like not a huge deal, like it was all sort of pretend. So I didn't require her to block the guy on Facebook (I did try though, but didn't force the issue because she was concerned about the embarrassment if others noticed that she obviously couldn't read his posts on threads and whatnot). She wasn't to have private conversations with him though. Participating in group chats with him and others seemed harmless at first. This is before I'd read anything about EAs and all the resources available online.

Continuing, my wife didn't talk to or message him directly for about a month. She then went to that family wedding and while she was out there she messaged him again. She was gone for 10 days. She messaged him on her first day out there. I was concerned while she was gone what would happen. She had been acting... suspiciously... before she left. She again didn't meet the guy I know, because he would have had to book a flight or take an 8 hour bus ride and hadn't heard from her for a month. Also she was with her mother, aunt, niece, and one of our daughters. Wouldn't have worked all that well...

When she got back I checked the keylogger I had installed on her computer when I first found out about the EA and which I had never told her about. There was proof enough there that she had been having further inappropriate chats. It's all the standard stuff... love, soul mate, sex talk, small talk, etc.

I confronted her, we fought. She was pissed about the keylogger, I was pissed about everything. 

We went through a summer of counseling, had an anniversary, went on a cruise together. Still throughout this time the guy was not blocked on Facebook (I really don't remember why not, there isn't a good reason as far as I can tell). I was returning to school at the start of September to better our financial situation and was quite worried what would happen when I went back and so I reinstalled the keylogger, changed it's file names, changed how it's accessed and made sure it was hidden, to ensure she didn't discover it, even if she was looking. On my second day I checked and she had messaged him, telling him the best days for them to chat (my long days at school), and that they would talk the following week. I saved the information and didn't say anything. I watched for further communication and saved that too as well as screenshots. 

My wife had a counseling appointment coming up and I decided to go with her. I opened with the therapist by saying I don't know if my wife will ever stop contacting this guy and it hurts. The counselor asks her what sort of contact there has been, she says none. Counselor wants to know if that makes me feel better, I say no, because what she is saying is not true, and pull out transcripts and screen shots of conversation. She didn't try to argue or fight it, she just said, "busted." I laid out how things were going to go in the future. She would have to close her Facebook accounts (her real name one and her online persona name account), and she would not be involved in the online worlds like she was... or she could do what she wants and I'll move into her parent's house with our kids. She went away to her friend's house for the weekend to think about it. She said her goodbyes, don't know what was involved, but I'm sure it's stupid, and then closed her accounts and came home. She was angry. For a few days. I didn't much care, it's either this way or not at all.

Things got a little better slowly, she was still miserable, and I would go off to school. After a time, the online world that she was involved with was coming back online after having been closed for over a year. It was something she enjoyed, making virtual items, talking to friends. I had reservations, but I also am not interested in controlling my wife. It was an online world where the OM spent time as well, but at this point it was only open to a select few as bugs were worked out and he was not eligible. I agreed. I don't remember if she reopened her Facebook before or after this, and she only opened her account with her real name, and she blocked him. All good things.

Time stretched on into January. Perhaps with some improvement. Her online world came back more fully, she started catching up with old friends and making new ones. She started talking a lot with another guy, and when I looked at the chat logs her game saves automatically there were some troubling things. She said it was nothing, it looks bad out of context, etc. I didn't buy it. I eventually purchased a voice activated recorder. One morning before heading off to classes I set it up in our room and brought her laptop to her in bed. Told her to have a good day. When I came home I took the recorder, went to the grocery store and listened. I had her side of another inappropriate conversation. I came home and told her I was done. Or mostly. I told her I love her, but I don't want her in my life anymore. She cried, she moped, she let ME sleep in, she looked after the kids some rather than just laying around. It was the first time in all of this that I had seen any sign of what I felt was real, legitimate remorse. I also found out from that recording that she had conversed with the first guy while having a girl’s weekend away at her friend’s house. She informed me that it had happened 3 times at that same friend’s house on various dates. Anyways, my wife booked us an appointment to see our counselor again. This was the first time she actually made the appointment. After the appointment we went home and talked some more. We ended up in each other’s arms. This was after 4 days or so of me having shut her out almost completely.

Time went on and things were alright. In March her online world opened more fully and my wife became more heavily involved. She was helping run events, holding meetings, scheduling stuff, etc. Unfortunately, with the return of access to all, the guy started showing up at the meetings she was running in world, and events that she was participating in. He also started holding event planning meetings which she would attend because she wants to be involved and it’s such a small community. This is an online world with voice communication and I hated that she could hear his voice. We have fought about it a few times over the months. I want her to be able to enjoy her past time, but I don’t want her around this guy. With such a small community it just doesn’t seem to work. I came home one night from somewhere and she was in world talking with him. As far as I know all was on the up and up, but I don’t want her talking with him at all. I was ticked, she knew it. 

But this sort of thing (them chatting in world) has happened a few times since then and that’s really my main issue. I don’t think she’s even completely out of whatever relationship fog she was in during her EA. I’ve read some of the things she says to her online confidants about how she wants to divorce, but doesn’t want to leave me and doesn’t think that will be what she wants a year from now. She’s still confused. I think she still compares whenever we are having a bad day, struggling with kids and life and all of that, with the imaginary life she could have with the OM. A few days ago I fell asleep on the couch while she was in her online world and I awoke at about 1am to hear her talking with people. After a few minutes, I got up and she immediately closed her game. I asked her about it. She said he was there and… I don’t remember. I left. I went for a walk for an hour. When I came back she was in bed. I didn’t bother going to our room and slept on the couch some more. The next day after some talking she tells me that if it were up to her, she would be talking to him MORE. That she doesn’t because it hurts me and our marriage. I don’t think there is anything left to do but get out. We have 3 daughters though and I don’t want to screw up their lives. For the most part I don’t think there is anything going on anymore and that she wants to be friends with her OM, which I am not okay with. Her online world and notoriety is her main form of socializing and I don’t like having to insist she give it up, but how do I get her to actually go completely No Contact so that she comes out of whatever she is in without doing so.

I do know that the answer is obvious, but I want advice anyways.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She must make the choice him or you. Marriage has only two people on it.

I think it's a lost cause however. She has lied over and over and over that she would return to being faithful and she hasn't.

I woud expose the affair to friends and family. I would share that she has been sexual with him over txt and Skype, and that you have tried very hard to save the marriage, but she won't stop cheating.

Be ready to file.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's obviuosly obessed/addicted to internet/fantasy world. Extrem issues require extrem measures. No more internet at home. Period.
She has to get a f0cking real life, something healthy to fill her soul, socialize with real people, for heave's sake, not that nosense.
Time to think hard what your boundaires/dealbreakers are, then lay the law, hard. If she doesn't agree and religiously fullfil you file. 
Period.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

TimesLikeThese said:


> I came home one night from somewhere and she was in world talking with him. As far as I know all was on the up and up, but I don’t want her talking with him at all. I was ticked, she knew it.
> 
> But this sort of thing (them chatting in world) has happened a few times since then and that’s really my main issue. I don’t think she’s even completely out of whatever relationship fog she was in during her EA. I’ve read some of the things she says to her online confidants about how *she wants to divorce*, but doesn’t want to leave me and doesn’t think that will be what she wants a year from now. *She’s still confused*. The next day after some talking *she tells me that if it were up to her, she would be talking to him MORE*. For the most part I don’t think there is anything going on anymore and that she wants to be friends with her OM, which I am not okay with. Her online world and notoriety is her main form of socializing and I don’t like having to insist she give it up, but *how do I get her to actually go completely No Contact* so that she comes out of whatever she is in without doing so.


You can't get her to go No Contact, that is something she has to choose to do on her own. Unless you're with her 24/7, you can't stop her from contacting other man.

The only thing you can do is let her know what you will and won't accept in a marriage. If contacting the other man is something you can't accept, let her know that. Tell her if there is any contact, you will divorce her. Then follow through.

I think she should give up the online stuff completely, she has shown she can't handle it. Sadly, it seems if given the choice, she would choose to live in the online world rather than in the real world.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Man, this is tough and I really feel for you.

I think if you do expose you might get some people simply not understanding how harmful this is to your marriage.

You seem to have tried all reasonable avenues. The only thing you can do is keep raising the stakes.

I have an awful feeling that she is so obsessed with this alternative life that she may choose it over her family - after all she has more or less done so already.

There is little difference between this and a heroin addiction.

As others have said, file and see if it shocks her out of her world. It might take time for her to realise so you will have to be strong.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think it is only going to get alot worse before it gets a little better. Its a strange world that we live in today, nothing that you learned while growing up applies anymore. I think that "Honey Boo Boo" and Barak Obama are the clear warning signs that it is "Every Man for Himself" these days. Just my thoughts.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is in the marriage out of guilt and maybe for the kids. 

She will probably cheat on you on one of these meet ups.

You are way too lax on her, especially after what she did. No more gaming or voice chats. No more participating in this online community. Ger rid of the internet if you have to. That is a start. She misused her privacy by repeatedly cheating on you and ending the whole game thing is a consequence. But you won't probably listen. You just want to nice and fair to her. Women like her will totally destroy "nice" guys like.

Just look at the only time she gave you some respect. It is called 180. Read about it


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Tell her you a done and mean it. You need her to make a choice. She will never be able to be "just friends" with this man. She also has poor bounderies. I would pack a bag for her and tell her to go stay with family or friends. Until she decided what was more important....her games or you. If she is unwilling to decide, then you need to move on. You can not make her want something she doesn't.

I am sorry that you find yourself in the situation.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Do a control + F search on your life, and see if you would be able to find a balls(2) attachment. 

Everytime you set boundaries, she breaks them, you do nothing.

What do you honestly expect to happen?

"I'm done, I love you but I want you out of my life"

...."Don't leave me" *cry*

"Ok" 

^ That is not having balls or boundaries. 

She has gotten no semi-permanent consequences or ultimatums for anything. 

YOU'RE ENABLING HER. You show her that no matter what she does you don't have the gumption to take action.

What exactly should she fear from you? You even slapped her with proof and you still didn't do a damn thing. 

At the end of the day it comes down to a simple choice.

Either man up and lay down the law, or consign yourself to your 3 person marriage.


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