# Wifes EA- I still wonder if she actually wanted to stay



## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

I have detailed things about my wifes past EA's (main one of concern was in 2008), I think the bulk of it may have been under a previous account, I can't remember tbh.

Anyway, I can't get out of my head something which my wife said during an argument about it a few months ago.

I had brought up the question of whether she was still 100% sure that she made the right choice in staying with me, as I sometimes get the feeling she regrets it.

She told me that she was happy etc, but that looking back on the time it all happened, that I pretty much took the decision out of her hands. A day or 2 after I found out and confronted her, I pretty much said "I don't know what I'll do if you leave me", and I either indicated, or maybe even outright said (I cant remember exactly), that I may kill myself if she left.

Thinking about what she said (and what I said back then in 2008), I was obviously not thinking straight, as my world had been turned upside down. I doubt I would have committed suicide, but I guess at the time I was in shock, so I was saying anything to get her to stay.

At the time, she went to stay at a friends for a weekend, having no contact with either of us- to 'make her decision'. I was so weak, I was willing to let her come back if she wanted to. With hindsight, i would have been a lot firmer etc (thanks TAM, but I discovered you a bit too late!).

What I have been wondering for the last few months is- if I hadn't given her the guilt trip, would she still have decided to stay, or would I have been divorced by now?

:scratchhead:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I certainly cannot answer your question. 

Perhaps she met up with the other dude when she went to the friends house and decided that it wasn't all that. 

Did you two do marriage counseling? Sounds like you still have unresolved issues. Did you rug sweep this at the time? If yes, that has a way of coming back to bite you in the arse. 

Do you want to continue the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

That is the problem with begging a WS to stay in the marriage. When you come to your senses you never know if they stay because they decided they love you or because of the threats.

That is why the advice here is no begging or threatening. Just force a decision as in "Him or me" and don't give them a month or two to think about it. If you had done this she might have left, but at least you would know the truth about her. 

Now you are stuck in a sort of limbo wondering if you were plan B and she stayed out of guilt not love.

If it happens again, are you comfortable with divorce if it comes to that?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

People say crazy things when they're scared. Not to mention that you were in shock and had just discovered her affair...

The important part of all this is twofold: 

Looking back now, a few years later, does she still want to stay? And do you still want her to stay with this new knowledge?


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

Yes people can be guilted into making decisions.

But your wife is still there.

Put it to her now: if you really don't want to be here, tell me now and I will let you go, no guilt, no suggestions of suicide.

Another important question is: do you really still want to be with her?

Be all in, or all out. 

I would not want to be with someone who didn't really want to be with me. And vice versa.

Don't dwell too long on what you said back then..coulda woulda shoulda. What's done is done. 

Make her tell you if she truly wants to be there NOW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

workindad said:


> I certainly cannot answer your question.
> 
> Perhaps she met up with the other dude when she went to the friends house and decided that it wasn't all that.
> 
> ...


She definitely did not see him that weekend. 

We didnt do counseling, no. It was pretty much rug swept at the time. back then I had no idea how to deal with this kind of thing- I even let them continue to be friends, which caused a problem one more time, but nothing since then with him (I KNOW this).

Yes, I want to continue the marriage- I love her with all of my heart. At the moment we are actually happy, but I will always have the nagging feeling she may not have stayed had i not said what i did. I have pretty much said this to her, and she (I think truthfully) says she does not know, but that if she had left, she would have regretted it- but thats easy for her to say now, isnt it? :scratchhead:


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> That is the problem with begging a WS to stay in the marriage. When you come to your senses you never know if they stay because they decided they love you or because of the threats.
> 
> That is why the advice here is no begging or threatening. Just force a decision as in "Him or me" and don't give them a month or two to think about it. If you had done this she might have left, but at least you would know the truth about her.
> 
> ...


I would be comfortable with divorce. Another situation since then (nothing serious) caused me to make the decision to tell her "if this ever happens again, you are out". It was a hard thing to say, especially as we are now parents.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> People say crazy things when they're scared. Not to mention that you were in shock and had just discovered her affair...
> 
> The important part of all this is twofold:
> 
> Looking back now, a few years later, does she still want to stay? And do you still want her to stay with this new knowledge?



She tells me (many times, as I have brought the EA up many times) that she wants to stay.

As for the second question, I think yes as I still love her dearly, but it is a tough question....


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

FRANC said:


> Yes people can be guilted into making decisions.
> 
> But your wife is still there.
> 
> ...



She has told me (each time I ask/bring up the EA) that she made the correct decision to stay, and still wants to be here.

I still want her, its just the nagging 'what if'........


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> Yes, I want to continue the marriage- I love her with all of my heart. At the moment we are actually happy, but I will always have the nagging feeling she may not have stayed had i not said what i did. I have pretty much said this to her, and she (I think truthfully) says she does not know, but that *if she had left, she would have regretted* it- but thats easy for her to say now, isnt it? :scratchhead:


I can understand your doubts and uncertaincy.
But you are here making double stardards to feed your doubs, she was honest when she told you the fear she felt about your future had a role in what path she toke, she even admit she doesn't know what was decision would be if you leave this factor out. She admit the "what ifs".
Then you should take also at face value the fact she would have regreted leaving you anyway. It seems consistent, she's not someone who just ignored the feelings of those she wrongs. People cares about exes when they decide to break up.
Given she's now happy it's normal to tell she's grateful she stayed anyway which is how I translate the bold part. She made the right decision at the end now matter what factors she toke into account.
I'd keep talking about it constructively; do you believe she resents now your guilty trip?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> What I have been wondering for the last few months is- if I hadn't given her the guilt trip, would she still have decided to stay, or would I have been divorced by now?


As someone else said, this is the problem with begging and being nice to a cheater. You came at her from a position of weakness ... you know it and she knows it. Being weak like this only reinforces the cheater's idea of you as a bad choice for a mate ... and ironically, encourages them to cheat even more!

You already screwed up the initial confrontation ... but going forward, you shouldn't be rewarding her bad behavior. Also, work on your self-respect ... no self-respecting person is going to threaten suicide or beg someone who just stabbed them in the back! 

You may not realize it, but having self-respect and confidence is a big part of what attracts a woman in the first place. You need to find yours.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

ironman said:


> As someone else said, this is the problem with begging and being nice to a cheater. You came at her from a position of weakness ... you know it and she knows it. Being weak like this only reinforces the cheater's idea of you as a bad choice for a mate ... and ironically, encourages them to cheat even more!
> 
> You already screwed up the initial confrontation ... but going forward, you shouldn't be rewarding her bad behavior. Also, work on your self-respect ... no self-respecting person is going to threaten suicide or beg someone who just stabbed them in the back!
> 
> You may not realize it, but having self-respect and confidence is a big part of what attracts a woman in the first place. You need to find yours.



Thanks for the reply. You are right. Since finding TAM, I am a much stronger person, and I think she sees this too. There is no way I would 'let her get away with it' ever again. Time machine, anyone? lol:lol:


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I can understand your doubts and uncertaincy.
> But you are here making double stardards to feed your doubs, she was honest when she told you the fear she felt about your future had a role in what path she toke, she even admit she doesn't know what was decision would be if you leave this factor out. She admit the "what ifs".
> Then you should take also at face value the fact she would have regreted leaving you anyway. It seems consistent, she's not someone who just ignored the feelings of those she wrongs. People cares about exes when they decide to break up.
> Given she's now happy it's normal to tell she's grateful she stayed anyway which is how I translate the bold part. She made the right decision at the end now matter what factors she toke into account.
> I'd keep talking about it constructively; do you believe she resents now your guilty trip?


I am guessing she always has resented it..But the other things you say are also true, thankyou for highlighting them


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

You say you love her with all your heart. Well, you need to stop that. In the end, you need to love yourself more than her. See this is your problem. It is hard for a woman to love a man who values himself so little. I think this is the core of your issues with her. 

You rugs wept her affair. It's too late now to go back and fix it. All you can do now is work on yourself and become emotionally independent. You are codependent: that is glaringly obvious to anyone who reads your posts. You need to get into therapy and fix this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Bizzy,

Perhaps she didn't factor in your intimations of suicide as much as you think. Maybe she just otherwise felt too guilty to leave you. 

While that is still troubling, it would be a better scenario than if she had been dumped by her AP - and returned to you as her plan B.

That's an even tougher thing to overcome, as I can attest to.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Bizzy,
> 
> Perhaps she didn't factor in your intimations of suicide as much as you think. Maybe she just otherwise felt too guilty to leave you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this reply. It is a possibility, and yes a better scenario! At the time, she said that thought that it was only HIM she was interested in, but she later admitted it could have been anyone, as she was just trying to escape the marriage at that time (there was a lot going on and a lot of history, which messed with her mind, not to mention a couple of years of us abusing drugs).


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

LostViking said:


> You say you love her with all your heart. Well, you need to stop that. In the end, you need to love yourself more than her. See this is your problem. It is hard for a woman to love a man who values himself so little. I think this is the core of your issues with her.
> 
> You rugs wept her affair. It's too late now to go back and fix it. All you can do now is work on yourself and become emotionally independent. You are codependent: that is glaringly obvious to anyone who reads your posts. You need to get into therapy and fix this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right on most points, yes. I dont think this ever was a factor for her, but we have been in financial difficulties for years, and at low points I have wondered if she wanted into a relationship with a good earner like him- he is a doctor. I can see it myself that I dont value myself enough.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

As I've learned through my short journey so far, it's totally possible to love someone but not want to be with them.

I wish I could give you some guidance, but the question I posed to you is one I personally am struggling with. I can say that with time and honesty I've gotten much closer to the answer, but it has been a painful and messy road.

I would highly recommend at the very least IC for the both of you. It sounds like you two have some demons to wrestle.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> As I've learned through my short journey so far, it's totally possible to love someone but not want to be with them.
> 
> I wish I could give you some guidance, but the question I posed to you is one I personally am struggling with. I can say that with time and honesty I've gotten much closer to the answer, but it has been a painful and messy road.
> 
> I would highly recommend at the very least IC for the both of you. It sounds like you two have some demons to wrestle.


Thanks for your responses. I hope you get to a good place.

Counseling is not something we ever really discuss- its not really the 'done thing' here in the UK. But maybe it should be!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> Thanks for your responses. I hope you get to a good place.
> 
> Counseling is not something we ever really discuss- its not really the 'done thing' here in the UK. But maybe it should be!


Highly recommend counseling to get past the issues that the rug sweeping caused. Also did she ever give him a no contact letter? Did you ever confront him? You said you allowed their friendship after the first encounter and that caused you to look incredibly weak in her mind and in mine for what its worth but now "you are sure" it has not happened since the second time it happened.
Not sure I am comfortable with this response from you. What steps were taken for you to improve and become more of an alpha male as you were clearly a weak person back during the first DDAY.
I really am not trying to insult but rather trying to figure out how a weak man is so sure today, after rug sweeping and no therapy and staying with the woman. Just is not adding up to me..


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Highly recommend counseling to get past the issues that the rug sweeping caused. Also did she ever give him a no contact letter? Did you ever confront him? You said you allowed their friendship after the first encounter and that caused you to look incredibly weak in her mind and in mine for what its worth but now "you are sure" it has not happened since the second time it happened.
> Not sure I am comfortable with this response from you. What steps were taken for you to improve and become more of an alpha male as you were clearly a weak person back during the first DDAY.
> I really am not trying to insult but rather trying to figure out how a weak man is so sure today, after rug sweeping and no therapy and staying with the woman. Just is not adding up to me..


Please bear in mind that this was a long time ago, and that I hand NO idea about NC letters etc. And also, that I was weak (then). So no, there was no letter. After the second time, I simply told her never to speak to him again. 

I KNOW she doesn't speak to him any more. Trust me. 

My current issue (as in the reason for this post), is whether she actually WOULD have stayed or not, if I had not 'guilted' her.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> My current issue (as in the reason for this post), is whether she actually WOULD have stayed or not, if I had not 'guilted' her.


You're asking the wrong question and you need to quit worrying about this. This is part of the whole 'self-respect" thing I was talking about.

You should be asking .... "*DO I EVEN WANT TO BE WITH HER or IS SHE EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME AFTER WHAT SHE DID?*?"

You need to tell yourself, _"If she leaves, so what, her loss .. I'll find someone else_". In other words ... you need to detach from her. Look up the 180 on this website (if you haven't already) and start living it. When you do .. you won't be asking is she only with me over a guilt trip anymore.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> Please bear in mind that this was a long time ago, and that I hand NO idea about NC letters etc. And also, that I was weak (then). So no, there was no letter. After the second time, I simply told her never to speak to him again.
> 
> I KNOW she doesn't speak to him any more. Trust me.
> 
> My current issue (as in the reason for this post), is whether she actually WOULD have stayed or not, if I had not 'guilted' her.


She chose to stay and is still with you but you have not gotten over the doubts of why does she need him? why did after finding out the first time did she do it again? why after it happening 2 times did she respond to your question by saying "you took the decision out of my hands", instead of just being reassuring and saying she loved you and does not regret her decision a single day. Her answer makes it sound like you "did" something to her and you are here feeling like you "guilted" her. You did not. 1. she caused this, 2. she did it again 3. you still feel lost about the whole thing today and that is why you are on here upset about her answer. You do not trust the love in your marriage and she is still not showing proper remorse or support of your feelings, and that is reflected in her response. She should be on her knees thanking you as a second offense for the high majority is a deal breaker. You are still trying to trust her (good luck). I truly think you two should be in counseling together and most likely as individuals as well to get past this for you, and to figure out why she feels it ok to be so selfish. I feel it is just a matter of time until it happens again, and I bet deep down, you feel the same way.


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## billybobb (Aug 2, 2013)

she seems too be an serial cheater may be you are better of with out her you may be an plan b take her too the polly graph and see what is the truth if she passes than may be you can start building from their .


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I to wish I had discovered TAM 10 years ago. I got the ilybnilwy speech and I said something to the effect of offing myself. Sure wish I could take that back. I think it's quite common though. I believe when someone says this they either want to guilt or strike back at the other person. If so,eons doesn't love you and you kill their selves the will probably feel bad for a while, then move on, but you will still be dead.


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