# How did you find out about the infidelity?



## MattMatt

I found out because my wife told me that she was going to be unfaithful.

She had actually set the scene when we had got together some years before, having told me that if a particular former lover came back to our town, she would have trouble resisting him.

So, yes, eventually he did come back to our town and she decided to have an affair with him.

I was upset, but held it together until the affair ended.

Afterwards she apologised to me and said: "I cannot believe how I must have hurt you. I thought I was just being honest about it, but it must have hurt you very badly."

Yes, it hurt like hell. 

We are still together over 15 years later but even now I sometimes think about how gutted I felt. A while later I had a brief EA that nearly went PA, but I realised the danger and went NC, there.

My wife began berating me and then said: "Is this because of my affair? Was this your revenge?"

I thought about my reply:"Yes, I think it probably is because of your affair. But no, it was not an act of revenge."

This is the first time I have told anyone about this. I am so glad I found this website.


----------



## 827Aug

Wow! Your wife is so cold and uncaring. I don't see how your marriage has lasted so long.


----------



## completely_lost

What if this guy approached her now, would she do it again? Are you fearful of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

827Aug said:


> Wow! Your wife is so cold and uncaring. I don't see how your marriage has lasted so long.


She is not cold and uncaring. That's the screwed up part of this.

She has three degrees (all firsts) an MA and two -or three doctorates.

Yet she lacks common sense. 

She is a 'logical' person and her thought processes are sometimes somewhat off. 

I was once reading an article in a magazine about a woman who was diagnosed as being autistic, but only when she was an adult.

I read her list of symptoms and it was like a check-list for my wife. When I realised why my wife sometimes acts like she does -she does not understand irony, for example and will say things that make me think HUH????- there were some tears in my eyes.

Good Lord. That's something else I have never shared before.


----------



## MattMatt

completely_lost said:


> What if this guy approached her now, would she do it again? Are you fearful of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. Not anymore.

About ten years ago, he tried several times, but she told him no, multiple times. The last time I gathered there was a certain amount of knee joint and testicular action. :lol:


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Went to find his mother's email address in Outlook account when he was deployed and asked me to please email her. Found a message to his long-term married girlfriend instead. Completely contradicted what I had asked him about his correspondence with her. Next time Honey, you might want to email your mom yourself  When I asked him about the email he said, oh I thought I deleted those, you weren't supposed to see them. My ex, he is so brilliant. Like sparing my feelings by saying he meant to delete emails to his Sweetie is going to somehow make it all better. It wasn't the cheating and lying that was wrong to him, it was that he ought to have covered it up better. Soooo twisted.


----------



## 827Aug

MattMatt said:


> She is not cold and uncaring. That's the screwed up part of this.
> 
> She has three degrees (all firsts) an MA and two -or three doctorates.
> 
> Yet she lacks common sense.
> 
> She is a 'logical' person and her thought processes are sometimes somewhat off.
> 
> I was once reading an article in a magazine about a woman who was diagnosed as being autistic, but only when she was an adult.
> 
> I read her list of symptoms and it was like a check-list for my wife. When I realised why my wife sometimes acts like she does -she does not understand irony, for example and will say things that make me think HUH????- there were some tears in my eyes.
> 
> Good Lord. That's something else I have never shared before.


If you say so. I actually find all cheaters to be cold and uncaring.

I actually discovered my husband was having extramarital affairs because he became so cold, distant, and uncaring towards me. I finally had proof of his activities when he asked to borrow my truck one evening. The next day I found an empty condom box under the driver's seat. Pretty incriminating.


----------



## bryanp

Wow. She told you when you got together that if her former lover ever returned she would probably be unfaithful?.....This would have been a deal breaker for most men. If the roles were reversed and you told her this I bet this would have been a deal breaker for her as well.


----------



## Maricha75

My husband found out about my first EA because our youngest son had opened my emails on my cell phone then handed the phone to him. My second EA, I hid better, but he suspected anyway. I told him, myself, four months after it had ended. 

At that time, I learned that he had an EA starting up. It was only a month, maybe 6 weeks into it. our youngest, once again, was the catalyst to discovery. He brought me daddy's cell phone because he wanted to play WoW and needed the authenticator to log on. After logging on, I looked thru texts because I was curious. I guess you could say "gut feeling" but I didn't really think anything was amiss, til I saw there were only 7 texts in his conversation with her... and I knew they had been texting WAY more than that. I opened it up and saw the first text said (her) "wow where did that come from" ... (him) "I'd say from my lips but I was texting, so my fingers"... a bit further down, he called her beautiful, twice. I felt sick to my stomach. Nearly threw up. I understand, on one hand... but on the other hand, it hurts.

But we are on the road to recovery from this... and things have gotten better. Still some problems, of course, but we are getting thru it.


----------



## MattMatt

bryanp said:


> Wow. She told you when you got together that if her former lover ever returned she would probably be unfaithful?.....This would have been a deal breaker for most men. If the roles were reversed and you told her this I bet this would have been a deal breaker for her as well.


Yes, but people who can think that way are so special, aren't they?


----------



## MattMatt

Maricha75 said:


> My husband found out about my first EA because our youngest son had opened my emails on my cell phone then handed the phone to him. My second EA, I hid better, but he suspected anyway. I told him, myself, four months after it had ended.
> 
> At that time, I learned that he had an EA starting up. It was only a month, maybe 6 weeks into it. our youngest, once again, was the catalyst to discovery. He brought me daddy's cell phone because he wanted to play WoW and needed the authenticator to log on. After logging on, I looked thru texts because I was curious. I guess you could say "gut feeling" but I didn't really think anything was amiss, til I saw there were only 7 texts in his conversation with her... and I knew they had been texting WAY more than that. I opened it up and saw the first text said (her) "wow where did that come from" ... (him) "I'd say from my lips but I was texting, so my fingers"... a bit further down, he called her beautiful, twice. I felt sick to my stomach. Nearly threw up. I understand, on one hand... but on the other hand, it hurts.
> 
> But we are on the road to recovery from this... and things have gotten better. Still some problems, of course, but we are getting thru it.


I wish you well. Life's so damn odd sometimes, isn't it?


----------



## lovelygirl

bryanp said:


> Wow. She told you when you got together that if her former lover ever returned she would probably be unfaithful?.....This would have been a deal breaker for most men. If the roles were reversed and you told her this I bet this would have been a deal breaker for her as well.


Yeah if my partner told me this I would break up with him or I wouldn't get in a relationship with him in the first place. 
Unless someone is indifferent to their ex then they are not ready for another serious relationship.


----------



## Complexity

That's one of the cruelest thing you can ever do to someone Matt. I think you might have co-dependency issues.


----------



## Headspin

That's quiet funny which one ! 

the latest one was actually quite funny

she had lead me to believe the guy she ended up falling with was gay but inadvertently made a comment 

"I cant see that happening because his wife might not let him do it"

"His wife?? what wife?"

long silence "......er yes, ............... his wife" 

"Oh right, I thought he was gay"

........er no that was a joke I made"


......Oh okay .............right then


(divorce on the way)


----------



## aug

Matt, Have you consider she may have Asperger?


----------



## the guy

Text msg. on her cell phone.


----------



## MattMatt

Complexity said:


> That's one of the cruelest thing you can ever do to someone Matt. I think you might have co-dependency issues.


Not co-dependency issues. But the story behind our marriage is such that if I posted it here it is so rare that my wife and I would be outed to some people. Also, it is so odd that if I read it on line, I'd dismiss it as a very clumsy trolling. 

Let's just say that I made a promise to someone to look after my wife before we got married and I value that promise very much.


----------



## morituri

I found a video of her and the OM having full blown sex. She didn't know that the POSOM had filmed it and uploaded a copy to her photobucket account. When she returned home, I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. Her jaw dropped when she saw me watching the video, immediately began sobbing uncontrollably, and rushed to the bathroom to puke her brains out.


----------



## MattMatt

aug said:


> Matt, Have you consider she may have Asperger?


Yes. Actually, very much yes to that.

She is very single minded. She earned a two year diploma course in well under 6 months. It was less, but the course tutors would not put her final papers in in anything less than six months.

I was so proud of her, when the training college decided to use her papers as an example of best practice as she was the first person to score 100 percent in the coursework.


----------



## MattMatt

morituri said:


> I found a video of her and the OM having full blown sex. She didn't know that the POSOM had filmed it and uploaded a copy to her photobucket account. When she returned home, I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. Her jaw dropped when she saw me watching the video, immediately began sobbing uncontrollably, and rushed to the bathroom to puke her brains out.


Oh my God. 

Did you have an idea beforehand of the affair?

How could that POS be so horribly evil?


----------



## Vanton68

morituri said:


> I found a video of her and the OM having full blown sex. She didn't know that the POSOM had filmed it and uploaded a copy to her photobucket account. When she returned home, I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. Her jaw dropped when she saw me watching the video, immediately began sobbing uncontrollably, and rushed to the bathroom to puke her brains out.


No matter how many times I read that (in different threads), it stills makes me feel so bad for you. You are a good man, for not doing something stupid when she arrived at home. Hope that I never experience your pain.


----------



## morituri

MattMatt said:


> Oh my God.
> 
> Did you have an idea beforehand of the affair?
> 
> How could that POS be so horribly evil?


None whatsoever. She had compartmentalized the affair so well in her mind that she never let on that she was unhappy with me in any way shape or form. This is what made my decision to divorce her more painful because if her behavior towards me had been hateful like it is with other WS, it would have made it much easier for me to emotionally disconnect from her.

Oh I agree that the POS was evil. But the karma bus came for him with a contract killer on board. Yes the POS was found murdered in his apartment last year. He's burning in hell as we speak.



Vanton68 said:


> No matter how many times I read that (in different threads), it stills makes me feel so bad for you. You are a good man, for not doing something stupid when she arrived at home. *Hope that I never experience your pain*.


My pain is no greater nor lesser than the devastating pain others have experienced from marital betrayal. I pray that all that have been touched by it recover fully.


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> .
> 
> I read her list of symptoms and it was like a check-list for my wife. When I realised why my wife sometimes acts like she does -she does not understand irony, for example and will say things that make me think HUH????- there were some tears in my eyes.
> 
> Good Lord. That's something else I have never shared before.


Not Autistic. She's most likely high-functioning Asperger's Syndrome. 

That's what my sister has. My sister has a 132 I.Q., and a Bachelor's Degree from UofA business school. And yet she cannot hold down the most menial jobs due to her inability to socialize and adjust to different social situations.


----------



## bandit.45

Vanton68 said:


> No matter how many times I read that (in different threads), it stills makes me feel so bad for you. You are a good man, for not doing something stupid when she arrived at home. Hope that I never experience your pain.


Mori is a good man. The best. 

If I were her husband she would not have made it alive past the front door, and I would be on death row now. 

Not kidding.


----------



## bandit.45

My STBXW sent me a text that was meant for the OM.


----------



## the guy

Its all kind of wierd, some of use kinda walk into it and suprisingly find the "smoking gun" with out having a clue.
Others have that gut feeling and go find that smoking gun, knowing something is wrong.
Even in rare cases like mine when you really don't care about the marriage and deside to find a healthier life for your self and confront your spouse about there unhealthy life.

In all cases there is the shaking, trembling, and sickness that comes over us when we find out about our spouse's infidelity. The undenable truth that our spouses are screwing around that hurts like hell.
So whats it matter how we all found out,they are as different as life its self, but we all felt that same pain. Something that we all have in common.


----------



## ScubaSteve61

My fiancee at the time said she was going to a car show with her sister and her sister's boyfriend. The next day, I asked them how the car show was and got blank looks. Questioned her and and she broke and told me she drove 2 hours to meet a guy she had met on plenty of fish.


----------



## the guy

@SS61, wow, not the shapest tool in the shed, your fiancee didn't even think to cover her tracks.

It is amazing how some folks get handed the "crap" while other spend weeks/months searching and investigating to find it.


----------



## Numb in Ohio

My H made a comment to my daughter one night...

"One a cheater, always a cheater" 

Felt like a rock hit my gut... checked our cell call logs the next day and found 2 women he was talking to and texting.


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Not Autistic. She's most likely high-functioning Asperger's Syndrome.
> 
> That's what my sister has. My sister has a 132 I.Q., and a Bachelor's Degree from UofA business school. And yet she cannot hold down the most menial jobs due to her inability to socialize and adjust to different social situations.


This is sounding very, very familiar.

My wife has colleagues at work who hate her and other colleagues who adore her. She has very, very high standards.

At home if something is even 5cm out of position, she knows.

(That'll teach me to trust a magazine article!)


----------



## Vanton68

morituri said:


> My pain is no greater nor lesser than the devastating pain others have experienced from marital betrayal. I pray that all that have been touched by it recover fully.


----------



## MattMatt

ScubaSteve61 said:


> My fiancee at the time said she was going to a car show with her sister and her sister's boyfriend. The next day, I asked them how the car show was and got blank looks. Questioned her and and she broke and told me she drove 2 hours to meet a guy she had met on plenty of fish.


I knew someone who went to a car show at the Birmingham NEC with someone who their spouse was jealous of, but was told they had nothing to worry about.

That changed when the errant couple were seen on the evening news TV show. Oh!


----------



## ScubaSteve61

the guy said:


> @SS61, wow, not the shapest tool in the shed, your fiancee didn't even think to cover her tracks.
> 
> It is amazing how some folks get handed the "crap" while other spend weeks/months searching and investigating to find it.


I know, right? I trusted her with everything I had, unfortunately that was a pretty dumb thing to do on my part. Found out later that she had been calling him every single day for months to wake him up at 4:30 AM for work (he worked his parent's farm).


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> This is sounding very, very familiar.
> 
> My wife has colleagues at work who hate her and other colleagues who adore her. She has very, very high standards.
> 
> At home if something is even 5cm out of position, she knows.
> 
> (That'll teach me to trust a magazine article!)


My sister tutors learning disabled children and adults. She is gentle and loving and everyone adores her. But she is also a neat freak and cannot handle anything of hers being out of place. She never loans people anything for fear they will not return it exactly as she gave it to them. She can occasionally be incredibly thoughtless und unable to understand how her actions might hurt others. 

Your wife went through with her affair because Aspies have an inability to empathise with others. It was only afterwards, when she saw how devastated you were that she understood the wrongfulness of what she did. 

It's a bizarre disorder.


----------



## bandit.45

ScubaSteve61 said:


> I know, right? I trusted her with everything I had, unfortunately that was a pretty dumb thing to do on my part. Found out later that she had been calling him every single day for months to wake him up at 4:30 AM for work (he worked his parent's farm).


I saw you married her anyway, a month or so ago.

Do you think you made a wise move?


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> My STBXW sent me a text that was meant for the OM.


Exactly like what happened with KanDo. Then he found out that she had been fvcking others as well, she turned out to be a superfreak.

Baldmale's wife was caught when her phone automatically dialed him when she was fvcking the OM.

If it wasn't tragic and gut wrenching, it would be the stuff of standup comedians.


----------



## ScubaSteve61

bandit.45 said:


> I saw you married her anyway, a month or so ago.
> 
> Do you think you made a wise move?


Different woman. 

This all went down back in 2005. Heck she moved out to his town and married him 5 months or so after I found out.

I met my wife in 2007, we dated for a few months then stayed friends after the break up. Started dating again in 2010 and the rest is history.


----------



## MattMatt

morituri said:


> Exactly like what happened with KanDo. Then he found out that she had been fvcking others as well, she turned out to be a superfreak.
> 
> Baldmale's wife was caught when her phone automatically dialed him when she was fvcking the OM.
> 
> If it wasn't tragic and gut wrenching, it would be the stuff of standup comedians.


Oh. Bloody hell.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

morituri said:


> My pain is no greater nor lesser than the devastating pain others have experienced from marital betrayal. I pray that all that have been touched by it recover fully.


Mori, I beg to differ. Your pain IS so much greater than most of ours. We only have mind movies to contend with. You saw the actual act. I would've lost my mind.


----------



## Vanton68

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Mori, I beg to differ. Your pain IS so much greater than most of ours. We only have mind movies to contend with. You saw the actual act. I would've lost my mind.


I agree. Mori went through hell compared to me, and was mentally much stronger than I. The only silver lining on his case was that he had definitive proof, and dealt with everything right away.


----------



## iheartlife

DD#1: open secret email account found on our home computer

DD#2: he texted me instead of her


----------



## morituri

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Mori, I beg to differ. Your pain IS so much greater than most of ours. We only have mind movies to contend with. You saw the actual act. I would've lost my mind.


I nearly did and had even considered suicide - briefly thank God Almighty - but then a friend from long ago came to my rescue and told me the story of his ex-wife's betrayal. I knew that I was not alone in my pain and grief. He told me that I would heal in time but to seek therapy immediately and gave me the name and phone number of his therapist, a professional with experience in treating victims of infidelity and PTSD. I can never repay my friend for his help in my time of need. Maybe my time here is my way to "pay it forward".


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

My cheating ex saved all two years of email and FB communications on a thumb drive that I had given her for Mother's Day.

She left to go watch a movie with her 'girlfriend' and was looking really hot in her leather jacket and do-me boots so I checked the drive and my entire world changed.

By the way, if she had only been smart enough to password protect it I probably would still be clueless.


----------



## iheartlife

morituri said:


> Maybe my time here is my way to "pay it forward".


Can I just say--I have consistently found Internet forums to be some of the best ways to heal from pain. They don't substitute for good quality counseling, antidepressants, and getting a life, but can play a vital role.

The Internet is very much villified and frankly a lot of us might not be here if it didn't exist. But one good quality it has is bringing people together from all over the world who have shared experiences. And when those shared experiences can make someone realize that they aren't suffering in the dark, it is an amazing thing for which I will always be grateful.

My very first foray on forums was after suffering a miscarriage and dealing with (a fortunately brief) period of infertility. To be able to talk to someone who didn't just sympathize but KNEW how I felt, was amazing. And the other great thing was, they never got tired of listening. People IRL might tell me to 'get over it' and might not understand why I was still processing the loss, but women on the forum never made me feel like a broken record.

The trick, of course, is to find the right forum, because it can be like a needle in the haystack.


----------



## warlock07

morituri said:


> I found a video of her and the OM having full blown sex. She didn't know that the POSOM had filmed it and uploaded a copy to her photobucket account. When she returned home, I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. Her jaw dropped when she saw me watching the video, *immediately began sobbing uncontrollably, and rushed to the bathroom to puke her brains out.*


Shouldn't you be the one puking your guts out. She knew she was having sex all along.:scratchhead:

Also how long between the D-day and the day the video was taken?


----------



## RWB

My grown daughter wondered why Mom was online at 3am FB chatting and emailing with some man. She "cracked" email password and found the reason. She called home, confronted Mom, I heard the screaming and crying and picked up the phone. It all unraveled over the next week. 

My daughter is my hero. Plenty of so-called friends could of clued me in years ago... none offered. My daughter didn't hesitate 1 second.


----------



## slater

I suspected after all the texts and laughing right in front me. Caught her in a small lie. We started counseling. She gaslighted like a pro. I kept collecting evidence, but had not found this site to get the good ideas. Lasted 3 years- she growing distant, no more "I love you". Got the ILYBINILWY 11/11. I kicked into high gear. In Jan 12, I found this site. Put a VAR in her car 1/29/12. D-day that night. I only wish I had found this site 3 years ago.


----------



## morituri

warlock07 said:


> Shouldn't you be the one puking your guts out. She knew she was having sex all along.:scratchhead:


There is no standard bodily reaction when a BS finds out that the person he/she has trusted above all others has betrayed him/her. Each one of us reacts in different ways.

I've come to the conclusion that she compartmentalized the sex with the OM so well that she could function as though it never happened. Perhaps when she saw me with tears in my eyes watching the video, her psychological walls were blown wide open came down and for the first time she could finally see her betrayal in all its ugly and gory detail and the aftermath. Remember that last year she was institutionalized for a short period of time to a psychiatric hospital for attempted suicide. I also learned that she had been repeatedly raped when she was a teenager by a male cousin of hers. This is a woman with serious issues that should have been addressed and resolved many, many years ago. 



> Also how long between the D-day and the day the video was taken?


Why does it matter? :scratchhead:


----------



## warlock07

Because of the impact it had on her. Something she did recently vs something she did long back and forgot. Sorry for the question.


----------



## the guy

In some case guys don't find out until years after the affair...is it lees painful ....no! But the deal is if a wayward is the perfect wife for years and some how it comes out that they cheated a day after there wedding it still sucks.
Just like the guy who married for 25 yrs and finds out that his chick had a one and only ONS last night....it still sucks and just as painful.

So back to topic.....how did you find out?


----------



## the guy

@slater, I wish I would have found this site 13 yrs ago.


----------



## Shaggy

MattMatt said:


> I found out because my wife told me that she was going to be unfaithful.
> 
> She had actually set the scene when we had got together some years before, having told me that if a particular former lover came back to our town, she would have trouble resisting him.
> 
> So, yes, eventually he did come back to our town and she decided to have an affair with him.
> 
> I was upset, but held it together until the affair ended.
> 
> Afterwards she apologised to me and said: "I cannot believe how I must have hurt you. I thought I was just being honest about it, but it must have hurt you very badly."


I think what she was saying, was she thought even less of you when you didn't walk out on her forever. When you had your EA she also likely thought you once again lost respect from her when you didn't leave her and make the PA and permanent. It sounds like you found a woman with actual feelings who cared for you. Maybe you can look her up an pd rekindle the romance.

Ok, so shes got education, but she doesnt have any love or empathy for you, nor does she have a heart. What i dont understand is why she still has you to abuse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kurosity

Picture message coming in of OW naked woke me up at five in the morning(still think this was on purpose on her part) . But I kind of saw it coming, I feel like I watched it unfold. For H's EA

His ONS found out about it a year and a few months later a month after our wedding which his ONS took place at his brother's wedding weekend which I could not afford to attend or get the time off work.

It does not matter when you find out, years can pass or only hours it still hurts the same.


----------



## kruppmart

Gut feeling, than checked phone records, than checked cell phone for text messages, and found the evidence for EA


----------



## bandit.45

Good Dog said:


> Well things blew up on the ride home, but she refused to admit anything (much later I found out it was an EA, verified, but she wanted more and so did he of course but the chance hadn't come up to take it PA). But she responded to the whole situation with months of emotional abuse, flirting with other men, describing them to me as why they're more men than I am, exposing herself to others, really tearing me down to the ground level emotionally and as a man. 18 months on we're getting better and working on it, but both she and I know that so much emotional damage has been done that whether we remain together is up in the air. If she hadn't been basically treating me like a king this last 6 months we'd probably be done already but for now I keep going.


What turned her around? Why is she playing nice now?


----------



## Vanton68

I found out by doing a credit check. She had tried to distract me from doing one (1st time I ever did). Found some old credit cards that I never knew about which started the ball rolling. Eventually my investigating/interrogating + time = me finding out about her and the OM while I was deployed many years ago


----------



## Good Dog

bandit.45 said:


> What turned her around? Why is she playing nice now?


After me spending forever trying to understand, trying to fix things and her refusing to take responsibility or even acknowledge what she'd done, I just gave up on all that. I mean even the most "white knight" type husband can be broken. I made clear my feelings had changed, that I don't see her the same way anymore or see us as a sure thing. For a girl who sees the world as a fairy tale and us as "soul mates" this was a huge shock (I still remember the look on her face). After that it was like she went all out to show me she wanted us to be together and to be "like we were." She shows it in every way I admit, and nothing else has happened along the lines of what went on, which I've verified thoroughly. 

But that leaves me with the issues of whether it's all just to keep me around (which has had me up all night tonight since last night she was basically crying saying I shouldn't be questioning "us"), plus the issue of whether I can get past hearing what I heard and seeing what I saw. I mean I've heard so much and seen even worse from her, and even her good friend said that any other man would have left for any one of those things, let alone the dozens of things she put me through.


----------



## bandit.45

Good Dog said:


> After me spending forever trying to understand, trying to fix things and her refusing to take responsibility or even acknowledge what she'd done, I just gave up on all that. I mean even the most "white knight" type husband can be broken. I made clear my feelings had changed, that I don't see her the same way anymore or see us as a sure thing. For a girl who sees the world as a fairy tale and us as "soul mates" this was a huge shock (I still remember the look on her face). After that it was like she went all out to show me she wanted us to be together and to be "like we were." She shows it in every way I admit, and nothing else has happened along the lines of what went on, which I've verified thoroughly.
> 
> But that leaves me with the issues of whether it's all just to keep me around (which has had me up all night tonight since last night she was basically crying saying I shouldn't be questioning "us"), plus the issue of whether I can get past hearing what I heard and seeing what I saw. I mean I've heard so much and seen even worse from her, and even her good friend said that any other man would have left for any one of those things, let alone the dozens of things she put me through.


Was it the EA that made her go off the rails like that? That's bizarre.


----------



## Good Dog

bandit.45 said:


> Was it the EA that made her go off the rails like that? That's bizarre.


When you say "go off the rails" do you mean her abuse after I found out?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

the guy said:


> @slater, I wish I would have found this site 13 yrs ago.


I agree. I don't believe that she was fooling around on me thirteen years ago; however, I would've been aware of the signs exhibited by a cheating spouse. I think this site (especially CWI) should be required viewing for all newlyweds (as long as they don't pretend to give advice on things they know nothing about.)


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Good Dog said:


> Well things blew up on the ride home, but she refused to admit anything (much later I found out it was an EA, verified, but she wanted more and so did he of course but the chance hadn't come up to take it PA).* But she responded to the whole situation with months of emotional abuse, flirting with other men, describing them to me as why they're more men than I am, exposing herself to others, really tearing me down to the ground level emotionally* and as a man. 18 months on we're getting better and working on it, but both she and I know that so much emotional damage has been done that whether we remain together is up in the air. If she hadn't been basically treating me like a king this last 6 months we'd probably be done already but for now I keep going.


Good dog, I am so sorry. Your wife must be a piece of work to humiliate you that way. Also, it doesn't appear that she works with nice people. Did she quit her job? If not, your marriage is all but over.


----------



## ScubaSteve61

the guy said:


> @slater, I wish I would have found this site 13 yrs ago.


Likewise. In my case, by the time I found out it was all over but the crying, however I would have liked to have found ways to cope with the situation a little better than how I did.


----------



## Good Dog

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Good dog, I am so sorry. Your wife must be a piece of work to humiliate you that way. Also, it doesn't appear that she works with nice people. Did she quit her job? If not, your marriage is all but over.


Thank you. Yes, I don't understand her actions at all. She's always had a sharp tongue so to speak but why this all went down I still don't know exactly. I think she had some kind of MLC, including turning 30, family problems (hers not ours), feeling older and wanting inappropriate attention from men like she used to get (for example the frat guy who jumped her after a late night tutoring session before we met in college has gone from being a bad memory to some sort of prince charming from her past who she recalls fondly, and knowing what that guy got away with, that's saying a lot).

In terms of her work, she's changed jobs and we've moved further away from all that so she no longer has contact with him or her coworkers. But it still irks me that she sees him as some harmless young guy just trying to get laid and she still sees her coworkers as good friends, though that's changing now that's she made new friends at her current job.


----------



## bandit.45

Good Dog said:


> Th
> In terms of her work, she's moved jobs and we've moved further away from all that so she no longer has contact with him or her coworkers. But it still irks me that she sees him as some harmless young guy just trying to get laid and she still sees her coworkers as good friends, though that's changing now that's she made new friends at her current job.


But what really sucks worse is that you know you will have to keep an eye on her all the time.

That's what WSs don't get that they do to us. The constant "looking over your shoulder" sh*t wears you down to the point where you almost don't care to be married anymore.


----------



## husbandfool

I wasn't married at the time but, was seriously dating a women ... maybe 12years ago when I was single. We had been going out for 2 years. Anyway, one day I had talked to her about making plans to do stuff on the weekend and she claimed that she would be too busy with her kids and folks ... family commitments.

Well, Sunday morning I woke up to several long voice messages from her on my cell phone. It was her and another man having dinner together and having interesting conversations late Saturday night!
It turns out that she had made plans to go away for the weekend with another guy, one of those vacation condo weekend deals. While they were together, she accidentally dialed my cell phone a few times and their conversations went tight to my voicemail!
What a hoot! I think she was banging him all weekend.

I broke up with her the following week ... .and, of course, it was my fault.

Looking back, I think I was really lucky I dodged that bullet.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Good Dog, I know how you feel about the 'us against the world' aspect of your marriage. I plotted my life with the intention that my ex would always be by my side. We were going to travel the world after the kids left and live a nice life. But she threw it all away. Oh well, at least for me life will be much cheaper because I don't ever plan on marrying again.


----------



## bandit.45

Good Dog said:


> The other thing is in her newfound quest for honesty all the time, I've found out that going way back she's had so many temptations and desires to do this stuff before. What I thought was a solid marriage with a sudden problem was never really that at all. It just makes it hard to turn back and get to work again. I've told her plainly, "Look, it was always me and you against the world, or so I thought. Then when trouble came I looked around and was on my own. You didn't have my back at all, but came close to stabbing me in it." Sounds melodramatic now, but then it really hit her hard.


Good.

She needed to hear the truth. Maybe she'll take the blinders off.


----------



## bandit.45

husbandfool said:


> I
> I broke up with her the following week ... .and, of course, it was my fault.
> 
> Looking back, I think I was really lucky I dodged that bullet.


How was it your fault? What did she say? Did she want to break up anyway or did she just try to throw it all back on you? 

Sounds like you lucked out big time!


----------



## bandit.45

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Good Dog, I know how you feel about the 'us against the world' aspect of your marriage. I plotted my life with the intention that my ex would always be by my side. We were going to travel the world after the kids left and live a nice life. But she threw it all away. Oh well, at least for me life will be much cheaper because I don't ever plan on marrying again.


Yeah, but you are going to get some once in a while aren't you? That would be torture not to.

Same here as far as remarrying As much as I love the ladies, the bachelor life is more appealing to me every day.


----------



## husbandfool

Well, the relationship wasn't going fast enough for her. We were going hot and cold since she wanted to get married ASAP and I was moving a lot slower. I was a single dad with 3 kids at home at the time and much of my attention and priority was directed towards my children and running the home.
A pattern developed where she would date other guys as a means to make me jealous and put pressure on me. So ... it was my fault that my lack of attention drove her to see other men.


----------



## bandit.45

husbandfool said:


> A pattern developed where she would date other guys as a means to make me jealous and put pressure on me. So ... it was my fault that my lack of attention drove her to see other men.


Ah. Well her tactics were a bit flawed weren't they? Good thing you didn't marry her. She would have cheated on you for sure.


----------



## husbandfool

Actually, afterwards I found out there was more ....
Once while we were dating she wanted us to go out west on a trip together for a long weekend. She planned to do it over Thanksgiving holidays and even made the arrangements ... sort of as a surprise without telling me. When I found out, 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, I was pleasantly surprised but decided it wouldn't work. I had made arrangements to visit my family with the kids and felt it was more important that the kids and I see family and relatives than me going away without them. She was not happy.

The surprise was, she went on the trip anyway ... with another man. She shared this with me after we broke up. 

: )


----------



## bandit.45

Aw man that sucks. What a beotch! Did she tell you that as a parting shot to humiliate you?

Are you seeing anyone now?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah, but you are going to get some once in a while aren't you? That would be torture not to.
> 
> Same here as far as remarrying As much as I love the ladies, the bachelor life is more appealing to me every day.


Bandit, I have no intention of becoming a monk. I've noticed that I've become hyper-sensitive to noticing attractive women. I also make sure to check for wedding bands because I have no intention of ever getting involved with a married woman.

Trust me, the Count has some lost time to make up for.


----------



## husbandfool

I've since remarried and she moved out of the area.
She told me this as supporting evidence of how I wasn't there for her full time and that she had to seek support elsewhere.
Also, I think she just wanted to make me feel bad.


----------



## bandit.45

Mywife told me the same thing about her latest PA, even though I treated her like a queen for the last fifteen years.

They're all the same.


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> They're all the same.


Careful bro., that is simply not so. Just like all of us guys are not the same, the girls are not all the same. There are plenty of good, kind, loving, loyal women out there who would make wonderful life long companions. Trust me on this.


----------



## bandit.45

morituri said:


> Careful bro., that is simply not so. Just like all of us guys are not the same, the girls are not all the same. There are plenty of good, kind, loving, loyal women out there who would make wonderful life long companions. Trust me on this.


No, no, I meant unrepentant cheaters. Should have made myself more clear.


----------



## MattMatt

warlock07 said:


> Shouldn't you be the one puking your guts out. She knew she was having sex all along.:scratchhead:
> 
> Also how long between the D-day and the day the video was taken?


I can understand why. WS had compartmentalised so well that by the time she got home, Faithful Spouse was back in the house.

When FS saw her poor husband watching the video the compartment walls vanished and FS was faced with her actions and the impact they were having on her husband.

And the fact of realising that the OM could do something so evil must have come as a shock to her.


----------



## Maricha75

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Bandit, I have no intention of becoming a monk. I've noticed that I've become hyper-sensitive to noticing attractive women. *I also make sure to check for wedding bands because I have no intention of ever getting involved with a married woman.*
> 
> Trust me, the Count has some lost time to make up for.


Be careful with this one as well....some married couples don't wear rings either. For the longest time, I didn't wear one, nor did my husband. We had them, but the general tenet of our church is "no jewelry"... we took that to mean no wedding rings as well. But, since this all transpired with both of us, we have been wearing the rings again. Don't care what the church says (tho now they are more lenient about jewelry, go figure )

Anyway, just because she doesn't wear a ring, doesn't mean she's not married.


----------



## MattMatt

Shaggy said:


> I think what she was saying, was she thought even less of you when you didn't walk out on her forever. When you had your EA she also likely thought you once again lost respect from her when you didn't leave her and make the PA and permanent. It sounds like you found a woman with actual feelings who cared for you. Maybe you can look her up an pd rekindle the romance.
> 
> Ok, so shes got education, but she doesnt have any love or empathy for you, nor does she have a heart. What i dont understand is why she still has you to abuse?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not the case, it transpired that the OW actually made a play for me because she thought I was a stable person and would be a good father for her two children.


----------



## morituri

Matt,

I got a chance to talk to her doctor, the one who treated her when she was briefly institutionalized last year. The rape she endured as a young teenage girl could have been at the root of her cheating. He said it is not uncommon for rape victims, to engage in promiscuous behavior including extra-marital affairs as a way to treat themselves for the pain they suffered long ago. I know it doesn't make any sense but then again, keep in mind that logic is an alien concept inside a broken person's head.


----------



## bandit.45

Mori was your wife institutionalized before or after your divorce? What I mean is, was the end of your marriage one of the things that tipped her into a breakdown?


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> Mori was your wife institutionalized before or after your divorce? What I mean is, was the end of your marriage one of the things that tipped her into a breakdown?


Bandit, it was way after my divorce was finalized (almost two years). It came on the heals of her learning that I was involved with another woman, my present girlfriend (the coffee shop encounter, remember?). I believe that in her mind, the divorce was just a piece of paper and that we were going to get back together. The last thing on her mind was that I had moved on with my life and was sharing my life with another woman. All hope for a reconciliation between us vanish instantaneously. According to our mutual friend (who BTW was livid when she found out she cheated on me and was going to tell me before I stumbled on the video) she was hysterical and pleaded with her to give her my home address and phone number. Of course my friend refused and told her that she did not have the information anyway. She told her that if she truly loved me she would let me go and wish me the best. The tailspin had begun


----------



## bandit.45

But up until that day at the coffee shop, all the while thinking she would lure you back, I imagine she was still continuing on with her self-destructive lifestyle even after you left her?

Sorry for all the questions Mori, but I never read your original thread.


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> But up until that day at the coffee shop, all the while thinking she would lure you back, I imagine she was still continuing on with her self-destructive lifestyle even after you left her?
> 
> Sorry for all the questions Mori, but I never read your original thread.


No worries bandit.

It is possible but without proof I really can't say one way or the other. But to me it is really not important since my wife died on DDay.


----------



## lordmayhem

Ex-Wife - Red flags, was working out of town. Was told he's her classmate and just a friend in college. She was seen with OM out in public with him by friends and family (small town) holding hands. Uh huh. Even during summer vacation and semester breaks? Came home early from out of town and saw a hand written love letter to OM. First she claimed she wrote it for her friend. Then why the hell did you sign it with your name? 

Current: Lots of red flags, but had decided long ago that she wasn't the type, like my first wife. Of course now I've learned there is no certain type of person to cheat. After talking with a friend and on a hunch, entered her work email into facebook. And discovered her secret facebook account under a different name and one visible post on her wall and only one friend...the OM.










At first she tried to deny it was her, before I told her it was associated with her WORK email. Then Trickle Truth from that point out.


----------



## Shaggy

MattMatt said:


> Not the case, it transpired that the OW actually made a play for me because she thought I was a stable person and would be a good father for her two children.


And I suspect she was 100% right about that. But, as for your wife, I honestly don't understand his you could stay with someone so lacking empathy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TorontoBoyWest

bandit.45 said:


> But up until that day at the coffee shop, all the while thinking she would lure you back, I imagine she was still continuing on with her self-destructive lifestyle even after you left her?
> 
> Sorry for all the questions Mori, but I never read your original thread.


Is Mori's original thread not around?


ooooo to delve into the labyrinth mind of the Mori! :lol:


----------



## morituri

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Is Mori's original thread not around?


There was no original thread with my story. I posted it on different threads.




> ooooo to delve into the labyrinth mind of the Mori! :lol:


You sure you want to do that?


----------



## MattMatt

Shaggy said:


> And I suspect she was 100% right about that. But, as for your wife, I honestly don't understand his you could stay with someone so lacking empathy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because I made a promise (not to her) to look after her, no matter what. Sometimes the 'no matter what' takes more coping with than others.


----------



## MattMatt

morituri said:


> There was no original thread with my story. I posted it on different threads.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You sure you want to do that?


If he is a Toronto Boy -ie, Canadian, they are very brave people!:smthumbup:


----------



## morituri

MattMatt said:


> If he is a Toronto Boy -ie, Canadian, they are very brave people!:smthumbup:


I don't doubt that for a minute, but there is a difference between being brave and being foolish.


----------



## Maricha75

MattMatt said:


> If he is a Toronto Boy -ie, Canadian, *they are very brave people!*:smthumbup:


I wouldn't go THAT far...


----------



## Socodi

Found e-mail to her...he admitted the affair, but said it was well and truly over...... then heard them on his hands free phone when he rang me to Lie yet again, but unfortunately for him , it did not disconect... they went on to have sex in the back of our car and i heard it all... was totally and utterly devastated.
I agree with iheartlife, through this site I have found so much comfort and help, I have understood the process of an affair, my partner has read it with me also, and although only two months from DDay, the pain is still relatively raw , but we are moving forward to rebuilding our 39 year marriage.


----------



## MattMatt

Socodi said:


> Found e-mail to her...he admitted the affair, but said it was well and truly over...... then heard them on his hands free phone when he rang me to Lie yet again, but unfortunately for him , it did not disconect... they went on to have sex in the back of our car and i heard it all... was totally and utterly devastated.
> I agree with iheartlife, through this site I have found so much comfort and help, I have understood the process of an affair, my partner has read it with me also, and although only two months from DDay, the pain is still relatively raw , but we are moving forward to rebuilding our 39 year marriage.


Oh, bloody hell, no! That must have been painful.

However, the whining reply: "HOW do you know I have had sex with xxx?" when it has the comeback: "You left the phone connected and I heard everything you did" really does get shot down in flames.

I wish you well.


----------



## Socodi

Thanks yea , its pretty incriminating, but it was what he needed to break the 'Fog' he was obviously in. Nothing else had worked, as he always went back to her, but this one , did the trick. Damn near killed me , but the sad truth is I love him.


----------



## Vanton68

Socodi said:


> Found e-mail to her...he admitted the affair, but said it was well and truly over...... then heard them on his hands free phone when he rang me to Lie yet again, but unfortunately for him , it did not disconect... they went on to have sex in the back of our car and i heard it all... was totally and utterly devastated.
> I agree with iheartlife, through this site I have found so much comfort and help, I have understood the process of an affair, my partner has read it with me also, and although only two months from DDay, the pain is still relatively raw , but we are moving forward to rebuilding our 39 year marriage.


Jeez, another horror story. Damn that sucks.


----------



## blueskies30

ScubaSteve61 said:


> My fiancee at the time said she was going to a car show with her sister and her sister's boyfriend. The next day, I asked them how the car show was and got blank looks. Questioned her and and she broke and told me she drove 2 hours to meet a guy she had met on plenty of fish.


Oh I hate plenty of fish!!! That's where my husband met the evil OW that lives in our town and still tries to make some kind of contact with me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sunshinetoday

My husband kept that cell phone glued to his side. Finally after 3.5 weeks of that, I waited until he was in the shower and grabbed it. He only left it out because it was dead. I hid the phone because I didn't have the charger. Of course we had a huge fight when he couldn't find it and I wouldn't admit taking it. (i had tossed it into my dresser drawer with my nightgowns!) he searched the house, our room....and finally stormed out. I got in my car and drove straight to the store and bought a car charger for his phone, came back to my car and plugged that baby in....and my world fell apart. The start of my prolonged dday! But anyhow it was text messages to him from the OW on his cell is how I found out.


----------



## MattMatt

Socodi said:


> Thanks yea , its pretty incriminating, but it was what he needed to break the 'Fog' he was obviously in. Nothing else had worked, as he always went back to her, but this one , did the trick. Damn near killed me , but the sad truth is I love him.


Yes. We love them. We would go through Hell for them. And most of us here have, one way or another.


----------



## highwood

As I handle all of our finances primarily online..I noticed a charge on his visa for Aeroplan (which is airmiles plan here in Canada) and I remember thinking that is strange..we weren't planning a trip. So unbeknowst to him I had access to his aeroplan airmiles account and noticed a flight was booked from Singapore to where we live in Canada for a few months down the road.

When I asked him about it..he lied twice (saying it was for his buddy, etc.) then finally admitted that it was'nt for a "he" but for a "she" instead. Thus then DDay began. 

All I remember feeling is the blood draining from the face and that sick nervous feeling that comes over you instantly. 

Terrible, terrible day...September 23, 2011!


----------



## TBT

MattMatt said:


> If he is a Toronto Boy -ie, Canadian, they are very brave people!:smthumbup:


Geez,in Canada you have to be brave just to admit you're from Toronto!


----------



## MattMatt

TBT said:


> Geez,in Canada you have to be brave just to admit you're from Toronto!


My little brother lives just outside London, ON.

Is that good?


----------



## arbitrator

1st Marriage- Combination of email message dialogues between XW and her supervisor; abnormally early/late work hours on her part; grooming patterns for herself both of the physical and the sexual nature that she never did for me. And just a lot of natural intuition!

2nd Marriage(Current) Intuition mainly; her frequent out-of-town travels; lethargy and ambivelance on her part in the relationship; misrepresentation of her marital status on FB; her habitually condescending and sarcastic attitude; her ultimate emotional, financial, and physical abandonment; and then an almost total lack of communication on her part.


----------



## TBT

MattMatt said:


> My little brother lives just outside London, ON.
> 
> Is that good?


I've only been there in passing really,but it seems like a nice place.:smthumbup: Is your brother in IT or med.research? The city is known for those types of things.

The thing about Toronto is it sometimes gets a bad rap from other parts of the country.I live there myself and it comes and goes and people for the most part don't pay it much attention,but Toronto Boy probably gets my meaning.


----------



## lovelygirl

husbandfool said:


> Well, the relationship wasn't going fast enough for her. We were going hot and cold since she wanted to get married ASAP and I was moving a lot slower. I was a single dad with 3 kids at home at the time and much of my attention and priority was directed towards my children and running the home.
> A pattern developed where she would date other guys as a means to make me jealous and put pressure on me. So ... it was my fault that my lack of attention drove her to see other men.


nooo.
If she felt you were going slow then she should have broken up with you instead of cheating on you.
So don't blame yourself. She cheated because she felt like doing it and certainly not because of you.

Also, a woman who threatens by cheating is a wh0re and not worthy of being loved.


----------



## MattMatt

TBT said:


> I've only been there in passing really,but it seems like a nice place.:smthumbup: Is your brother in IT or med.research? The city is known for those types of things.
> 
> The thing about Toronto is it sometimes gets a bad rap from other parts of the country.I live there myself and it comes and goes and people for the most part don't pay it much attention,but Toronto Boy probably gets my meaning.


My little brother loves it. He's in admin.


----------



## Socodi

Know how you feel highwood.. Hope things are much improved for you, still way too soon for me , but , like you , Dday 19th March 2012 was the worst day of my life...ran out of the house , with him following, I threatened to walk into oncoming traffic, felt like i had died inside. We have done all the things this site recommends, the no contact letter, transparancey , honesty ,etc etc and are now in councelling together. I do feel our councellor wants me to move forward, says I have a lot of anger {who wouldn't!!} and that it is a negative energy. also that I am 'punishing' my WH, I honestly just dont feel ready to move forward yet , I am still reeling from the shock of Dday. Its been 7 months for you , how are you feeling now?


----------



## MattMatt

Socodi said:


> Know how you feel highwood.. Hope things are much improved for you, still way too soon for me , but , like you , Dday 19th March 2012 was the worst day of my life...ran out of the house , with him following, I threatened to walk into oncoming traffic, felt like i had died inside. We have done all the things this site recommends, the no contact letter, transparancey , honesty ,etc etc and are now in councelling together. I do feel our councellor wants me to move forward, says I have a lot of anger {who wouldn't!!} and that it is a negative energy. also that I am 'punishing' my WH, I honestly just dont feel ready to move forward yet , I am still reeling from the shock of Dday. Its been 7 months for you , how are you feeling now?


Wow! And there was I thinking Sherlock Holmes was dead! 

Your counsellor, Sherlock Holmes, opined grandly: "You have a lot of anger" and "You are punishing your husband."

*WELL, DUH!!!!!!!!*

With the way you found out the truth *of course* you are angry and are punishing your husband!


----------



## Socodi

Thanks MattMatt I dont feel quite so bad about the anger and guilt, was beginning to think I was being unreasonable .... THATS how insecure his affair has made me feel. Due for some more 'Councelling' tomorrow, perhaps she will tell me to pull myself together and get over it...at least I still have my sense of humour !!!


----------



## bandit.45

I scare myself sometimes...really horrify myself when I think back on my second DDay four months ago, and how close I came to killing my wife when I found the e-mails. I'm not joking. She was standing next to our fireplace that I built out of river rock, and for a split second I envisioned slamming her head into it. 

I'm a very strong and I would have killed her instantly.

How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


----------



## highwood

The anger is incredible...not just at him but at the OW as well. I know intellectually she is not worth the head space and the power I give her by thinking about her yet emotionally I struggle with it.

I have called her every name in the book and while that at times makes me feel better the majority of time it makes me feel worse that I let this person, someone I have never met, have that much control over me. It is not healthy.


----------



## highwood

Socodi said:


> Know how you feel highwood.. Hope things are much improved for you, still way too soon for me , but , like you , Dday 19th March 2012 was the worst day of my life...ran out of the house , with him following, I threatened to walk into oncoming traffic, felt like i had died inside. We have done all the things this site recommends, the no contact letter, transparancey , honesty ,etc etc and are now in councelling together. I do feel our councellor wants me to move forward, says I have a lot of anger {who wouldn't!!} and that it is a negative energy. also that I am 'punishing' my WH, I honestly just dont feel ready to move forward yet , I am still reeling from the shock of Dday. Its been 7 months for you , how are you feeling now?


Had another DDay #2 5 weeks ago today...so definently a step back however as bad as that was I think in a strange way we needed that in order to completely end his EA with the OW. Still highly painful and the anger is incredible but I have to learn to accept what happened instead of wishing it didn't because it did happen and now I/we have to deal with it.

Same thing that my MC said that I have alot of anger but have to learn to control and self soothe myself..easier said than done.


----------



## highwood

bandit.45 said:


> I scare myself sometimes...really horrify myself when I think back on my second DDay four months ago, and how close I came to killing my wife when I found the e-mails. I'm not joking. She was standing next to our fireplace that I built out of river rock, and for a split second I envisioned slamming her head into it.
> 
> I'm a very strong and I would have killed her instantly.
> 
> How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


I admit on DD#2 that I had those kind of thoughts....I said to H that I hope something terrible happens to him and his OW. I felt sick saying it and didn't really mean it but when you are enraged and distraught..anything kind of goes.


----------



## Maricha75

highwood said:


> The anger is incredible...not just at him but at the OW as well. I know intellectually she is not worth the head space and the power I give her by thinking about her yet emotionally I struggle with it.
> 
> I have called her every name in the book and while that at times makes me feel better the majority of time it makes me feel worse that I let this person, someone I have never met, have that much control over me. It is not healthy.


Highwood, I get that. the b!tch who started up with my husband befriended me as well. She knew all about my feelings regarding my marriage. And then she started sympathizing with my husband, etc. Fortunately, she lives on the other side of the country. Still hurts. He felt the need to make HER feel better because she claimed her fiance was cheating on her (again) and not giving her attention, etc. So, my husband was calling her beautiful and sexy. I told him that I wanted to scratch her eyes out. Really, I wanted, and still do, to beat her to a bloody pulp. My reaction to his part was almost as bad... but I also had EAs so it's one of those "do I really have the right to be angry/betrayed?" And I realized, HELL YES I do! Just as he has/had the right to feel angry/betrayed by me.


----------



## Vanton68

bandit.45 said:


> I scare myself sometimes...really horrify myself when I think back on my second DDay four months ago, and how close I came to killing my wife when I found the e-mails. I'm not joking. She was standing next to our fireplace that I built out of river rock, and for a split second I envisioned slamming her head into it.
> 
> I'm a very strong and I would have killed her instantly.
> 
> How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


Because of the drawn out time-frame for the discovery, the trickle-truth, the lack of sleep (around 12 hours a week) combined with the stress of DDay; the ONLY reason I didn't was because I would NEVER see my kids.


----------



## Vanton68

highwood said:


> I have called her every name in the book and while that at times makes me feel better the majority of time it makes me feel worse that I let this person, someone I have never met, have that much control over me. It is not healthy.


I feel that! I had never called my W a curse word in our entire marriage. Since DDay, I don't think there is a disparaging term that I haven't used at least 10X.


----------



## iheartlife

highwood said:


> The anger is incredible...not just at him but at the OW as well. I know intellectually she is not worth the head space and the power I give her by thinking about her yet emotionally I struggle with it.
> 
> I have called her every name in the book and while that at times makes me feel better the majority of time it makes me feel worse that I let this person, someone I have never met, have that much control over me. It is not healthy.


Here is how I dealt with it: I finally internalized the fact that she spends zero time thinking about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Socodi said:


> Thanks MattMatt I dont feel quite so bad about the anger and guilt, was beginning to think I was being unreasonable .... THATS how insecure his affair has made me feel. Due for some more 'Councelling' tomorrow, perhaps she will tell me to pull myself together and get over it...at least I still have my sense of humour !!!


You are not being unreasonable.

Now, how to put this? I knew my wife was with her OM. She told me she would be, as I mentioned earlier. 

I suspected they were having sex, but I did not know. I did not want to know, to be honest. 

But if I had heard them having sex on the phone, then would I have been quite so sanguine about it? No, I wouldn't. And I think I'd have been just as angry as you. 

This British stiff upper lip stuff can be a bit wearing, some times, can't it?

So, best of British luck (I have always wanted to say that!!) with your session today.


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> I scare myself sometimes...really horrify myself when I think back on my second DDay four months ago, and how close I came to killing my wife when I found the e-mails. I'm not joking. She was standing next to our fireplace that I built out of river rock, and for a split second I envisioned slamming her head into it.
> 
> I'm a very strong and I would have killed her instantly.
> 
> How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


The only thought that I can remember was: "Why aren't I good enough for her? She's so much more clever than me. So it must be my fault. Why don't I just kill myself?"

But I got over it. Well, as much as you ever can.

But your information about Aspergers has helped a very great deal. I had realised years ago there was something not quite right in her reactions to things, but now I know a little more, I feel comforted.


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> The only thought that I can remember was: "Why aren't I good enough for her? She's so much more clever than me. So it must be my fault. Why don't I just kill myself?"
> 
> But I got over it. Well, as much as you ever can.
> 
> But your information about Aspergers has helped a very great deal. I had realised years ago there was something not quite right in her reactions to things, but now I know a little more, I feel comforted.


My sister had a long term boyfriend from about 1993 to 2003. He was a great guy and loved her deeply. But even though she did love him, she wasn't capable of expressing her love, and he in the long run felt neglected and frustrated, so he ended it. He thought my sister would just go on living her very predictable life and forget about him.

But she didn't. Even though they have been broken up for nine years, she still breaks down in tears when she talks about him. She really loves him but because of this damned condition, could never be wife material. 

*If *she is an Aspie, then I think your wife loves you Matt Matt. She was able to have that affair because love and sex are two totally separate things to her. She loved you even while she was satisfying a sexual urge, without the ability to connect the two together or understand how devastating it would be to you. She literally just did not get it. That is, if she really does have Aspergers.

OR, she might just be a pathological sociopathic narcissist who just didn't give a damn.

Has she ever shown remorse or regret for doing it, or did she just go back to the way things were before?


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> My sister had a long term boyfriend from about 1993 to 2003. He was a great guy and loved her deeply. But even though she did love him, she wasn't capable of expressing her love, and he in the long run felt neglected and frustrated, so he ended it. He thought my sister would just go on living her very predictable life and forget about him.
> 
> But she didn't. Even though they have been broken up for nine years, she still breaks down in tears when she talks about him. She really loves him but because of this damned condition, could never be wife material.
> 
> *If *she is an Aspie, then I think your wife loves you Matt Matt. She was able to have that affair because love and sex are two totally separate things to her. She loved you even while she was satisfying a sexual urge, without the ability to connect the two together or understand how devastating it would be to you. She literally just did not get it. That is, if she really does have Aspergers.
> 
> OR, she might just be a pathological sociopathic narcissist who just didn't give a damn.
> 
> Has she ever shown remorse or regret for doing it, or did she just go back to the way things were before?


Yes, she did. When I told her how it had made me feel, she looked shocked and horrified and held me and said that she was so very sorry, but she had not considered how hurt I would be by it.

I do not think she is sociopathic. 

As I mentioned before, she has no sense of irony and will often save up something she has heard at work and ask me to explain it to her. When I say: "It was just a joke" she'll look puzzled and I just know she still doesn't get it.

Yet she does have a sense of humour. It's really odd and far too 'intellectual' for me to understand. 

Today I have looked at Asperger websites and feel you were right.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister and her lost love.


----------



## lovelygirl

Telling someone you'll be cheating on them if your ex returns and still expect them to be okay with this and even be shocked at the fact that they are hurt..
..well ..sorry...my brain just doesn't get it.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

bandit.45 said:


> I scare myself sometimes...really horrify myself when I think back on my second DDay four months ago, and how close I came to killing my wife when I found the e-mails. I'm not joking. She was standing next to our fireplace that I built out of river rock, and for a split second I envisioned slamming her head into it.
> 
> I'm a very strong and I would have killed her instantly.
> 
> How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


I found out while my ex was out with her 'girlfriend'. I called her immediately and told her not to come home because I would kill her. Here I thought that she was frigid for 20 years and it turned out that she really did like sex -- a lot -- just not with me. I thought about all those years that I suppressed my needs and desires because, in my mind, there was more to marriage than sex.

(I'm just glad that she waited until morning before coming home.)


----------



## bandit.45

lovelygirl said:


> Telling someone you'll be cheating on them if your ex returns and still expect them to be okay with this and even be shocked at the fact that they are hurt..
> ..well ..sorry...my brain just doesn't get it.


Aspergers is a bizarre disorder. Aspies can be very friendly and kindhearted, and then turn around and do the most insensitive acts you can imagine, all because they lack empathy to a certain extent.


----------



## bandit.45

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I found out while my ex was out with her 'girlfriend'. I called her immediately and told her not to come home because I would kill her. Here I thought that she was frigid for 20 years and it turned out that she really did like sex -- a lot -- just not with me. I thought about all those years that I suppressed my needs and desires because, in my mind, there was more to marriage than sex.
> 
> (I'm just glad that she waited until morning before coming home.)


Let me guess, she's one of those idiotic women who believes having hot sex with their husband is wrong, but its okay to be a wh0re with a boyfriend. 

Oh and I also imagine it was your fault that she wasn't sexually attracted to you. 

Unbelievable.


----------



## arbitrator

bandit.45 said:


> How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


Not on DDay, _per se_. While I'm the relatively negative- unemotional type, it would really take an act of Congress to get my dander up enough to even entertain bringing harm or hurt to someone; maybe someone threatening physical harm to me, my kids, or the woman that I truly loved and trusted, along with my very dear friends.

While I've never envisioned my bringing harm to my STBXW, I have envisioned her bringing harm to me since she's a trained hot-shot with that ranch pistol of hers!


----------



## canttrustu

bandit.45 said:


> I scare myself sometimes...really horrify myself when I think back on my second DDay four months ago, and how close I came to killing my wife when I found the e-mails. I'm not joking. She was standing next to our fireplace that I built out of river rock, and for a split second I envisioned slamming her head into it.
> 
> I'm a very strong and I would have killed her instantly.
> 
> How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


Oh I thought about hurting him for sure once I had proof and asked him and he still denied it. Yet still I tried to let him know that I knew and gave him the chance to end it on his own-duh. But when I finally confronted him with the fact that I 'knew' he went ballistic, which of course further confirmed everything and made me even madder b/c he had the nerve to be mad. Its like " you think YOURE mad? HA, step over to the dark side" It wasnt a good week. We still have the dent in our wall from me throwing his blackberry that he used to talk to her. Yep. Thought about hurting him for sure.

Now the bb is gone. OW is out of the picture. He's gonna fix the dent in the wall. Life is moving forward. Here's to greener pastures.


----------



## Sara8

bandit.45 said:


> Let me guess, she's one of those idiotic women who believes having hot sex with their husband is wrong, but its okay to be a wh0re with a boyfriend.
> 
> Oh and I also imagine it was your fault that she wasn't sexually attracted to you.
> 
> Unbelievable.


Interesting one MC told my husband he had Madonna/wh#re issues. 

I guess that can work in reverse, too.


----------



## Sara8

bandit.45 said:


> I scare myself sometimes...really horrify myself when I think back on my second DDay four months ago, and how close I came to killing my wife when I found the e-mails. I'm not joking. She was standing next to our fireplace that I built out of river rock, and for a split second I envisioned slamming her head into it.
> 
> I'm a very strong and I would have killed her instantly.
> 
> How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


On Dday, I did slap and punch him, but I didn't hurt him, and I ended up with all the bruises from him holding me back. 

He's a lot bigger than I am 

I am a pretty good aim with my baby glock, I use it for self defense only and have only fired it at a range target, but I left it in the gun safe, so I guess I did not really want to kill him.


----------



## canttrustu

Sara8 said:


> On Dday, I did slap and punch him, but I didn't hurt him, and I ended up with all the bruises from him holding me back.
> 
> He's a lot bigger than I am
> 
> I am a pretty good aim with my baby glock, I use it for self defense only and have only fired it at a range target, but I left in the gun safe.


Thats funny. About 3 months after dday H and I went to the shooting range. A friend told him he was maybe taking a risk with taking his recently cheated on wife to the gun range....

And I have to admit...I slapped him too after I found out how long it had been going on. I wish I hadnt but he did deserve it, so...


----------



## bandit.45

I have this recurring fantasy where my STBXW is hanging by her fingertips off the edge off a cliff. I walk over to where she is and just bend down and stare at her. She's crying and begging me to reach down and grab her but I don't. I just stay still and watch her slowly slipping. 

Just as she loses her grip and starts falling I grab her wrist and hoist her up to the the top. Then I just let her crumple to the ground terrified and shocked that she almost died. I don't say a word and turn around and walk away with a big fat smile while she is cussing me out.


----------



## lovelygirl

bandit.45 said:


> Let me guess, she's one of those idiotic women who believes having hot sex with their husband is wrong, but its okay to be a wh0re with a boyfriend.


It could be that some women think that certain sexual acts are shameful and they feel embarrassed to perform them on their husbands so they choose to do it with their lovers/boyfriends.
If they enjoy it they go back to their husbands to perform it on them. 
If they don't enjoy it, they just forget about it and pretend it never happened. 

That's the only reason that comes to my mind.


----------



## canttrustu

lovelygirl said:


> It could be that some women think that certain sexual acts are shameful and they feel embarrassed to perform them on their husbands so they choose to do it with their lovers/boyfriends.
> If they enjoy it they go back to their husbands to perform it on them.
> If they don't enjoy it, they just forget about it and pretend it never happened.
> 
> That's the only reason that comes to my mind.


THATS NOT A REASON! Thats 1) total BS b/c they shouldnt have the bf in the first damned place 2) and excuse to leave the H hanging while servicing the bf


----------



## arbitrator

bandit.45 said:


> I have this recurring fantasy where my STBXW is hanging by her fingertips off the edge off a cliff. I walk over to where she is and just bend down and stare at her. She's crying and begging me to reach down and grab her but I don't. I just stay still and watch her slowly slipping.
> 
> Just as she loses her grip and starts falling I grab her wrist and hoist her up to the the top. Then I just let her crumple to the ground terrified and shocked that she almost died. I don't say a word and turn around and walk away with a big fat smile while she is cussing me out.


Bandito: The only real difference between you and I in that fantasy of yours is that upon hoisting her up to the top of that cliff, I'd richly give her something to cuss me out for as I'd leave a huge cloud of flatulence behind for her to deal with. 

That's probably the very least that I could do for her!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

bandit.45 said:


> Let me guess, she's one of those idiotic women who believes having hot sex with their husband is wrong, but its okay to be a wh0re with a boyfriend.
> 
> Oh and I also imagine it was your fault that she wasn't sexually attracted to you.
> 
> Unbelievable.


She had the nerve to tell me that up until the time that she had the affair that she gave her all to the marriage. I simply told her that I beg to differ.

She's got serious daddy issues. I'm almost tempted to run background checks on any woman that I get involved with just to weed out the damaged ones. [If only it were this easy.]


----------



## Vanton68

bandit.45 said:


> I have this recurring fantasy where my STBXW is hanging by her fingertips off the edge off a cliff. I walk over to where she is and just bend down and stare at her. She's crying and begging me to reach down and grab her but I don't. I just stay still and watch her slowly slipping.
> 
> Just as she loses her grip and starts falling I grab her wrist and hoist her up to the the top. Then I just let her crumple to the ground terrified and shocked that she almost died. I don't say a word and turn around and walk away with a big fat smile while she is cussing me out.


I thought it was going to end like this: you save her, and then you kick her back off the cliff yelling "This is Sparta". :smthumbup:


----------



## lovelygirl

canttrustu said:


> THATS NOT A REASON! Thats 1) total BS b/c they shouldnt have the bf in the first damned place 2) and excuse to leave the H hanging while servicing the bf


We all know they shouldn't have the boyfriend in the first place. That's not news to anyone.

I was just trying to guess and assume what goes into these women's minds. 
And yes, what I said COULD BE A REASON. There's a reason behind every cheating woman.


----------



## iheartlife

I have tried to find a name for the female version of the Madonna/***** complex, because I'm convinced it exists. This is the woman who won't do the 'bad girl' stuff with her husband, but will do all that and more with the OM.

The male version still apparently sleeps with his wife, and might even ask her to do naughty stuff, but he seeks out other women, frequently (in the stereotype, at least) prostitutes.

What I found interesting when I tried to search for the female analogue to the Madonna/***** complex is that (if google is to be believed) men who have this issue are frequently narcissists. It would seem that most of the traits the male version has, the female version has most, if not all, too.


----------



## Vanton68

iheartlife said:


> I have tried to find a name for the female version of the Madonna/***** complex, because I'm convinced it exists. This is the woman who won't do the 'bad girl' stuff with her husband, but will do all that and more with the OM.
> 
> The male version still apparently sleeps with his wife, and might even ask her to do naughty stuff, but he seeks out other women, frequently (in the stereotype, at least) prostitutes.
> 
> What I found interesting when I tried to search for the female analogue to the Madonna/***** complex is that (if google is to be believed) men who have this issue are frequently narcissists. It would seem that most of the traits the male version has, the female version has most, if not all, too.


I think the difference is that it is easier too diagnose the males. A woman with the same traits will be sought after for sex by many different men over her lifetime and the man has to seek out partners in a much different manner. Since a woman controls the sex, she controls her environment, and she will still have men chasing her no matter how bad her tendencies are.


----------



## iheartlife

Vanton68 said:


> I think the difference is that it is easier too diagnose the males. A woman with the same traits will be sought after for sex by many different men over her lifetime and the man has to seek out partners in a much different manner. Since a woman controls the sex, she controls her environment, and she will still have men chasing her no matter how bad her tendencies are.


Another way of saying this is, the male version often seeks sex with prostitutes, because they are a sure thing. While gigolos certainly exist, women generally don't have to pay to get a man to have sex with them.


----------



## morituri

lovelygirl said:


> It could be that some women think that certain sexual acts are shameful and they feel embarrassed to perform them on their husbands so they choose to do it with their lovers/boyfriends.
> If they enjoy it they go back to their husbands to perform it on them.
> If they don't enjoy it, they just forget about it and pretend it never happened.
> 
> That's the only reason that comes to my mind.



There were some cheating wives who were interviewed in anonymity. A few stated that they did sex acts with their OM that they didn't do with their husbands because either their husbands were not interested in doing them or they only cared about getting their orgasm and then falling asleep. And others felt that a wife should not allow her husband to believe that she likes sex too much otherwise she looses control over him. I can understand the former group - though never justify them - but the latter group of women reeked of sociopathic like behavior.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

morituri said:


> There were some cheating wives who were interviewed in anonymity. A few stated that they did sex acts with their OM that they didn't do with their husbands because either their husbands were not interested in doing them or they only cared about getting their orgasm and then falling asleep. And others felt that a wife should not allow her husband to believe that she likes sex too much otherwise she looses control over him. I can understand the former group - though never justify them - but the latter group of women reeked of sociopathic like behavior.


My ex seemed really surprised when I pointed out that she controlled the sex in our marriage. She determined when and if we had sex -- and the kind of sex that we had. I think she falls into the sociopathic camp.


----------



## ScubaSteve61

blueskies30 said:


> Oh I hate plenty of fish!!! That's where my husband met the evil OW that lives in our town and still tries to make some kind of contact with me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah that was one of the cyber sleuthing things discovered after it was over. A friend from work was on there looking for women, saw her, and clued me in.

Found out from searching her username on POF that she had set up blogs, myspace, etc that I never knew about, some dating back a couple years, looking for guys.


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Aspergers is a bizarre disorder. Aspies can be very friendly and kindhearted, and then turn around and do the most insensitive acts you can imagine, all because they lack empathy to a certain extent.


She has problems with some members of her family. Basically, she scared them as a child (her mother told me this), as she was so different from the rest of the family that they could not cope with her.


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> She has problems with some members of her family. Basically, she scared them as a child (her mother told me this), as she was so different from the rest of the family that they could not cope with her.


Yes, some Aspies can have severe behavior problems. My sister was opposite: she was shy and withdrawn,...very passive.


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Yes, some Aspies can have severe behavior problems. My sister was opposite: she was shy and withdrawn,...very passive.


YES! That was it, exactly! Her family are very in your face, to the extent that it can be a bit 'weird'. 

But my wife was very quiet and seemed -as her mother said to me- very self-contained. That was where the problems lay, to a large extent.

Plus her mother set a very poor example, being a serial cheater.


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> YES! That was it, exactly! Her family are very in your face, to the extent that it can be a bit 'weird'.
> 
> But my wife was very quiet and seemed -as her mother said to me- very self-contained. That was where the problems lay, to a large extent.
> 
> Plus her mother set a very poor example, being a serial cheater.


Aspies learn socialization through mimicry. It does not come naturally to them. Probably why she was so dead set on having her affair. "Mom did it so I must also." Her dad never did anything, she mistook his inaction as not caring about his wife's infidelities, so she thought you would not do anything either.


----------



## Martin12

I watched it happen as it was happening, mostly from 7000 miles away, but I didn't know many of the details of what was happening.

March 6, 2012 - old boyfriend from 33 years ago gets in touch with my wife through FB

March 9 - she mentions him in an email to me

March 9 - 18: they are in an increasingly intimate email dialogue, unbeknownst to me at the time

March 18 - they start phone calls and text messages, also unbeknownst to me at the time

March 20 - she starts demanding more love and attention from me, says I'm not giving her enough

March 24 - she tells me it's over between us because I'm not loving her enough. I tell her I suspect old boyfriend. She indignantly denies, tells me "therapist" is telling her to split.

March 29 - asks friend to buy her underwear at Victoria's Secret

March 31 - April 1 - they hook up, spend night in same bed, obviously unbeknownst to me at the time.

April 14 - we meet for a week's vacation together abroad.

April 17 - I see her laptop, check her skype, see "I love you" message from OM. She says it's "joking," says they are just talking, have not met.

April 21 - I go back to work overseas, she goes home. they are back in touch

April 28 - they are alone in a hotel room again.

April 29 - I post here for first time, get good advice to force transparency and contact OMW.

April 30 - I demand all passwords. She drags feet, discloses some bit by bit.

May 2 - I call OMW, she also knows something is going on.

May 2 - I have her write NC email. She calls him right after this "to let him down slowly"

May 3 - I find and listen to voicemail messages from him to her from March and April

May 6 - I find motherlode of emails from March on one of her email accounts. I confront her, him and his family to cause maximum embarrassment. 
This is supposed to be the end.

May 13 - I go home for more than a week, we are working on reconciling.


----------



## warlock07

Martin12 said:


> I watched it happen as it was happening, mostly from 7000 miles away, but I didn't know many of the details of what was happening.
> 
> March 6, 2012 - old boyfriend from 33 years ago gets in touch with my wife through FB
> 
> March 9 - she mentions him in an email to me
> 
> March 9 - 18: they are in an increasingly intimate email dialogue, unbeknownst to me at the time
> 
> March 18 - they start phone calls and text messages, also unbeknownst to me at the time
> 
> March 20 - she starts demanding more love and attention from me, says I'm not giving her enough
> 
> March 24 - she tells me it's over between us because I'm not loving her enough. I tell her I suspect old boyfriend. She indignantly denies, tells me "therapist" is telling her to split.
> 
> March 29 - asks friend to buy her underwear at Victoria's Secret
> 
> March 31 - April 1 - they hook up, spend night in same bed, obviously unbeknownst to me at the time.
> 
> April 14 - we meet for a week's vacation together abroad.
> 
> April 17 - I see her laptop, check her skype, see "I love you" message from OM. She says it's "joking," says they are just talking, have not met.
> 
> April 21 - I go back to work overseas, she goes home. they are back in touch
> 
> April 28 - they are alone in a hotel room again.
> 
> April 29 - I post here for first time, get good advice to force transparency and contact OMW.
> 
> April 30 - I demand all passwords. She drags feet, discloses some bit by bit.
> 
> May 2 - I call OMW, she also knows something is going on.
> 
> May 2 - I have her write NC email. She calls him right after this "to let him down slowly"
> 
> May 3 - I find and listen to voicemail messages from him to her from March and April
> 
> May 6 - I find motherlode of emails from March on one of her email accounts. I confront her, him and his family to cause maximum embarrassment.
> This is supposed to be the end.
> 
> May 13 - I go home for more than a week, we are working on reconciling.


Your story looks much worse now


----------



## Martin12

warlock07 said:


> Your story looks much worse now


Yeah, as bare facts it looks bad, but I'm not including the mitigating background - my past tomcatting and more recent physical and emotional absence.


----------



## lordmayhem

Martin12 said:


> Yeah, as bare facts it looks bad, but I'm not including the mitigating background - my past tomcatting and more recent physical and emotional absence.


No, but it definitely shows just how quickly an emotional affair can become so very deep, in your case 15 days from the point she reconnect with her old BF to when she tells you she wants a divorce. *Only 15 fracking days*, and then only 25 days until she took it to PA. 

I know for a fact that if my own WW had the opportunity, she would have taken it to a PA with no problem at all. They only thing is they lacked the opportunity, but she was working on solving it. If I had not followed my gut feelings, I wouldn't have known a thing until she was getting on the plane to leave.


----------



## Martin12

lordmayhem said:


> No, but it definitely shows just how quickly an emotional affair can become so very deep, in your case 15 days from the point she reconnect with her old BF to when she tells you she wants a divorce. *Only 15 fracking days*, and then only 25 days until she took it to PA.
> 
> I know for a fact that if my own WW had the opportunity, she would have taken it to a PA with no problem at all. They only thing is they lacked the opportunity, but she was working on solving it. If I had not followed my gut feelings, I wouldn't have known a thing until she was getting on the plane to leave.


Yeah, if she hadn't mentioned the guy almost at the beginning, I would have had no clue what was going on. No idea. At least the early mention of him was the warning. 

One reason I am easy on her is that I think it was close to an involuntary response with her - the revival of long-dormant but powerful feelings aided by the unhappiness I, or our separation, were causing.

I was writing her one email a day; he was emailing, calling and texting 20+ times a day.


----------



## canttrustu

lovelygirl said:


> We all know they shouldn't have the boyfriend in the first place. That's not news to anyone.
> 
> I was just trying to guess and assume what goes into these women's minds.
> And yes, what I said COULD BE A REASON. There's a reason behind every cheating woman.


Reason-NO Excuse- yes.

There is no legitamite reason for doing that but I can think of a ton of excuses to do it. But thats all it would be- excuses. But I think i know what youre saying.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Martin12 said:


> Yeah, if she hadn't mentioned the guy almost at the beginning, I would have had no clue what was going on. No idea. At least the early mention of him was the warning.
> 
> One reason I am easy on her is that I think it was close to an involuntary response with her - the revival of long-dormant but powerful feelings aided by the unhappiness I, or our separation, were causing.
> 
> I was writing her one email a day; he was emailing, calling and texting 20+ times a day.


Martin, I've really enjoyed reading your thread and am happy that you and your wife seem to be on the way to reconciliation. At times, you've frustrated me with your actions -- to the point where I no longer respond to YOUR thread. But I do appreciate you.

I realize that you think that because of your past affairs your wife deserves a pass on hers. And this may be the case. Having said all that, I just have to ask: WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT THIS SITE? Now she has your playbook and all the counter moves that we gave you. :slap::wtf:

Good luck.


----------



## lordmayhem

Martin12 said:


> Yeah, if she hadn't mentioned the guy almost at the beginning, I would have had no clue what was going on. No idea. At least the early mention of him was the warning.
> 
> One reason I am easy on her is that I think it was close to an involuntary response with her - the revival of long-dormant but powerful feelings aided by the unhappiness I, or our separation, were causing.
> 
> I was writing her one email a day; he was emailing, calling and texting 20+ times a day.


I disagree. No such thing as an involuntary response to the advances from an old boyfriend. It was all voluntary. Unbeknowst to me, my own WW made contact with her old BF on November 29, by Christmas she was deep in the fog. I never cheated on her or was separated from her at the time, and things seemed to be going well. I hold her completely accountable for what she did. She could have easily shot him down, but she didn't, and neither did yours. There's never a valid excuse to cheat, NEVER.


----------



## lordmayhem

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Having said all that, I just have to ask: WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT THIS SITE? Now she has your playbook and all the counter moves that we gave you. :slap::wtf:
> 
> Good luck.


That seems to be pretty common here among the newly betrayed. They think that if their WS can see this site, their WS will suddenly realize the mistake they've made and stop their affair. Its the same thing with MC. Many newly betrayed feel that if they can only get their WS to MC, that MC is the magic bullet that will stop the affair.


----------



## Sara8

iheartlife said:


> Another way of saying this is, the male version often seeks sex with prostitutes, because they are a sure thing. While gigolos certainly exist, women generally don't have to pay to get a man to have sex with them.


It depends on how attractive the man is. My husband has woman flirting with him all the time. Right in front of me sometimes. 

Woman are very sexually aggressive these days. I think it's pretty easy for an attractive man to find married woman or even a stupid single one to have sex with, if they are interested. 

And, yes, this woman was definitely interested in doing all sorts of wild things. Many that actually turned my husband off, in the end. 

She was talking about "girl girl" stuff and she was taking him to raunchy sex clubs. 

Her husband is still in denial. He believes all her lies. 

She told my husband that if he caught her she would simply deny and say it was just a mild flirtation. 

She has said that, she has lied and insisted my husband pursued her despite emails that say otherwise. 

Poor guy.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

lordmayhem said:


> That seems to be pretty common here among the newly betrayed. They think that if their WS can see this site, their WS will suddenly realize the mistake they've made and stop their affair. Its the same thing with MC. Many newly betrayed feel that if they can only get their WS to MC, that MC is the magic bullet that will stop the affair.


Lord Mayhem, I noticed this also. In the days right after Dday, I probably would've done anything to get my ex to see the light. Heck, I even bought her a book entitled, Living Beyond Your Feelings, thinking that she would read it and magically see the light. (BTW, I don't think she ever cracked in open.)

Even though I'm now divorced, I would never want my ex to read any of my posts. Why not? Because I don't want her to know how much control she had over me and my happiness. I'm through with her and how I feel (or felt) is no longer her concern.


----------



## johnnycomelately

morituri said:


> I found a video of her and the OM having full blown sex. She didn't know that the POSOM had filmed it and uploaded a copy to her photobucket account. When she returned home, I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. Her jaw dropped when she saw me watching the video, immediately began sobbing uncontrollably, and rushed to the bathroom to puke her brains out.


Feck me, you must have PTSD. Sorry dude.


----------



## Martin12

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Martin, I've really enjoyed reading your thread and am happy that you and your wife seem to be on the way to reconciliation. At times, you've frustrated me with your actions -- to the point where I no longer respond to YOUR thread. But I do appreciate you.
> 
> I realize that you think that because of your past affairs your wife deserves a pass on hers. And this may be the case. Having said all that, I just have to ask: WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT THIS SITE? Now she has your playbook and all the counter moves that we gave you. :slap::wtf:
> 
> Good luck.


Well, she caught me with a keylogger, had a PI and a GPS tracker on me -- ten years ago. There's not much this site can teach her. She is a battle-hardened veteran. I thought this site might help her deal with her own feelings regarding my messing around.

I know she had a struggle in this, but I got her back. I can even see in the analysis of their phone and text traffic that her calls to him begin to taper off, while he keeps calling her to plead at length.



lordmayhem said:


> I disagree. No such thing as an involuntary response to the advances from an old boyfriend. It was all voluntary. Unbeknowst to me, my own WW made contact with her old BF on November 29, by Christmas she was deep in the fog. I never cheated on her or was separated from her at the time, and things seemed to be going well. I hold her completely accountable for what she did. She could have easily shot him down, but she didn't, and neither did yours. There's never a valid excuse to cheat, NEVER.


Of course it was "voluntary," but there are higher levels of conscious volition and lower levels of reptilian response or primate programming. Or as Freud said, superego, ego and id.

My view of human nature tends towards the sociobiological or Evolutionary Biology point of view. That is, a lot of human behavior is explained by watching a group of chimps.

It's "voluntary" that we eat spinach, steak, fish, or goat. But if I make you hungry enough, you will "voluntarily" eat horse dung or human flesh.

She was in a spot where her chimp or lizard brain was operating.


----------



## iheartlife

lordmayhem said:


> No, but it definitely shows just how quickly an emotional affair can become so very deep, in your case 15 days from the point she reconnect with her old BF to when she tells you she wants a divorce. *Only 15 fracking days*, and then only 25 days until she took it to PA.
> 
> I know for a fact that if my own WW had the opportunity, she would have taken it to a PA with no problem at all. They only thing is they lacked the opportunity, but she was working on solving it. If I had not followed my gut feelings, I wouldn't have known a thing until she was getting on the plane to leave.


My husband and I fell in love in 3 weeks back in the day. I knew it was infatuation at the time--it was like I was "walking on air, walking on feathers, on pillows on air." (Don't worry, we dated for 5 years before marrying.) But the point is infatuation is lightning fast; we were strangers when we started dating.

Also, both of us were in a great place (internally) when we met, no baggage or issues, and it still only took a short time to fall head over heels. But if you add the fact that many WSs are in a vulnerable state, isolated and down--well--. We can discuss whether this is a self-created situation (due to inadequately communicating their needs to their spouse, mental illness) or not (because the marriage really is in a bad place) but regardless, the formula goes bang.


----------



## morituri

johnnycomelately said:


> Feck me, you must have PTSD. Sorry dude.


PTSD and being on this site do not mix well. I know that soon after DDay I would not have had the psychological fortitude to come to this site. Two years of therapy made it possible for me to attain it.

Today watching the video would still sting, but it would not have the same emotional impact on me that it had on DDay. I've learned a lot since then, especially about her tragic rape, and her broken psyche, how it lead her to almost doing herself in, and seeing her from a distance while she was briefly institutionalized. A brief wave of sadness would probably be my only emotional response.


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Aspies learn socialization through mimicry. It does not come naturally to them. Probably why she was so dead set on having her affair. "Mom did it so I must also." Her dad never did anything, she mistook his inaction as not caring about his wife's infidelities, so she thought you would not do anything either.


Her father was/is very odd. He spent way too many years as a Royal Marine and spent a lot of time away on special operations, so his wife played around. (That was her excuse). To be honest, having met him I an surprised he didn't kill his wife.


----------



## johnnycomelately

morituri said:


> especially about her tragic rape, and her broken psyche, how it lead her to almost doing herself in, and seeing her from a distance while she was briefly institutionalized. A brief wave of sadness would probably be my only emotional response.


To be compasionate under those circumstances makes you a much better man than me. Her loss.


----------



## frozen

After about a month of clues from behavioral changes I bugged her Android phone to forward me her GPS and text message data. At first I only was able to get incoming text messages but in conjunction with the gps it was enough to confirm something was UP. At that point I confronted her but did not tell her what info I had. I just pushed and pushed until she admitted everything which took about 24 hours of ever changing lies. SF was on or about 11/22 and we have been in intense MC. Things are much better but we both are committed to trying to make the life a had originally planned on. Its very painful for the both of us because after wringing the truth from her I spilled my beans one day later.


----------



## MattMatt

frozen said:


> After about a month of clues from behavioral changes I bugged her Android phone to forward me her GPS and text message data. At first I only was able to get incoming text messages but in conjunction with the gps it was enough to confirm something was UP. At that point I confronted her but did not tell her what info I had. I just pushed and pushed until she admitted everything which took about 24 hours of ever changing lies. SF was on or about 11/22 and we have been in intense MC. Things are much better but we both are committed to trying to make the life a had originally planned on. Its very painful for the both of us because after wringing the truth from her I spilled my beans one day later.


I wish you both well in your recovery efforts.


----------



## Shaggy

bandit.45 said:


> Aspergers is a bizarre disorder. Aspies can be very friendly and kindhearted, and then turn around and do the most insensitive acts you can imagine, all because they lack empathy to a certain extent.


So if MattMatt went out and had sex with another woman,mhis wife would be cool with it? Especially if he told her before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Shaggy said:


> So if MattMatt went out and had sex with another woman,mhis wife would be cool with it? Especially if he told her before?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has since told me that, in principle, she would not mind. I have not taken this idea up as I do not want to have an affair and my life is complicated enough as it is, to be honest!

And I am pretty certain there have not been any other affairs since that one time.


----------



## Complexity

Has she been remorseful at all? does she regret hurting you like that?


----------



## MattMatt

Complexity said:


> Has she been remorseful at all? does she regret hurting you like that?


Very much so. But the affair happened 15 years ago.


----------



## Darth Vader

morituri said:


> I nearly did and had even considered suicide - briefly thank God Almighty - but then a friend from long ago came to my rescue and told me the story of his ex-wife's betrayal. I knew that I was not alone in my pain and grief. He told me that I would heal in time but to seek therapy immediately and gave me the name and phone number of his therapist, a professional with experience in treating victims of infidelity and PTSD. I can never repay my friend for his help in my time of need. Maybe my time here is my way to "pay it forward".


Please tell me/us, you Divorced the B I T C H! I mean, how could anyone want to live with a trigger like that?! OMG! She'd have to go! Who could stand to live with and look at someone who did what they did, only to find out the way you did? Besides, how could she be with you still after what she's done?


----------



## iheartlife

Darth Vader said:


> Please tell me/us, you Divorced the B I T C H! I mean, how could anyone want to live with a trigger like that?! OMG! She'd have to go! Who could stand to live with and look at someone who did what they did, only to find out the way you did? Besides, how could she be with you still after what she's done?


I believe that he did.


----------



## Sara8

morituri said:


> but then a friend from long ago came He told me that I would heal in time but to seek therapy immediately and gave me the name and phone number of his therapist, a professional with experience in treating victims of infidelity and PTSD. I can never repay my friend for his help in my time of need. Maybe my time here is my way to "pay it forward".


Where can you find a therapist with experience in PTSD from infidelity?


----------



## Darth Vader

iheartlife said:


> I believe that he did.




Ok, I thought I caught something like that later in the thread. Anyway, that had to be some serious S H I T seeing that! OMG! How does someone get over seeing all that? She should have to pay for his counseling or something!


----------



## Affaircare

I had that "gut feeling" that something was up between my exH and his wistress but for months he told me it was me, I was jealous, I had trust issues, etc. 

Then one day I got a letter from a very, VERY expensive hotel we had done some computer work for but which "we" had never been able to afford to go to. The letter had an intimate item in it, and said "When you were here the other night, you left this in the room." Needless to say, I had not been there, so I went to the hotel, asked if I could see the registry and saw "Mr. and Mrs. <our last name>" on such and such date. Then I went to the computer room and looked through the security video for that date (hey being the PC person has certain benefits) and got a copy of him and her going INTO the hotel at night, signing in, and coming OUT OF the hotel the next morning with smooches and whatnot. 

I went to our office, showed him the video, and slapped him across the face so hard that his glasses broke. He asked me "How did you do that?" I said..."Do what?" He said "Doctor that video to make it look like I cheated on you."  Then he called the police on me for physically assaulting him. 

I would have reconciled with him too if he had even once admitted what he had done and made an attempt to work on his own issues. He refused to address any of them, so I refused to reconcile ... and the rest is history. 

**********

For my own infidelity, I was discovered when my Dear Hubby got the OM's email address and emailed him a letter that effectively said, "I am her husband and I do not intend to let this marriage go without resistance. She's my wife and I intend to honor my vow" and frankly that scared the OM away. 

God...it's so humiliating to even remember how I acted--plus I KNEW BETTER!! BUT it just goes to show that infidelity is insidious and can happen to anyone if the mix is right. I did it and thank God Dear Hubby had the balls to stand up or I may not be here in my right mind today!


----------



## BigLiam

MattMatt said:


> She is not cold and uncaring. That's the screwed up part of this.
> 
> She has three degrees (all firsts) an MA and two -or three doctorates.
> 
> Yet she lacks common sense.
> 
> She is a 'logical' person and her thought processes are sometimes somewhat off.
> 
> I was once reading an article in a magazine about a woman who was diagnosed as being autistic, but only when she was an adult.
> 
> I read her list of symptoms and it was like a check-list for my wife. When I realised why my wife sometimes acts like she does -she does not understand irony, for example and will say things that make me think HUH????- there were some tears in my eyes.
> 
> Good Lord. That's something else I have never shared before.


Asperger's?


----------



## BigLiam

I've been throug it in two marriages.
First one , my wife was gone a t night a lot, lying about her whereabouts. But, I beleived her. Her sister turned her in.
Second, I recognized the signs a lt sooner(this was 13 years later and I had internet help).'Anyway, once I had some evidence, I took it to a friend who is a PI and he busted her right away.
FWIW, PIs are a very good investment, IMO.


----------



## MattMatt

BigLiam said:


> Asperger's?


 I am as certain as I can be that this is the case.


----------



## Alyosha

bandit.45 said:


> I scare myself sometimes...really horrify myself when I think back on my second DDay four months ago, and how close I came to killing my wife when I found the e-mails. I'm not joking. She was standing next to our fireplace that I built out of river rock, and for a split second I envisioned slamming her head into it.
> 
> I'm a very strong and I would have killed her instantly.
> 
> How many of you men (and women) had such a thought go through your mind on DDay? Or am I the only one? Be honest.


I had never laid a hand on my wife in anger in all of the 13 years that we were together (married for 10). Never even came close.

I remember d-day like it was yesterday. I remember looking at her face and I have never wanted to backhand a human being (HARD) more than I wanted to backhand her. I actually saw myself doing it in my mind from a view that was outside of my body.

The thought of jail is not what stopped me from actually doing it. If jail was the only consequence, I believe I would have done it. It was the thought of messing up custody of my kids. That's it. That's what saved her.

Now, the idea that I would sacrifice my freedom because of her seems laughably silly. But at that moment........oh man!


----------



## LittleMiss13

Unfortunatley my oldest son was the person who told me about my husband's affair. He came home early from school and found his father and his lady friend in their birthday suits in our family room. My husband didn't say a word that night. I actually remember asking my husband if he felt okay because he was just laying on the sofa and looked like he was sick before he left for work that night. He was a coward who didn't have the balls to tell me. Later on that night, after realizing something was wrong with my son, the truth came out.


----------



## bandit.45

LittleMiss13 said:


> Unfortunatley my oldest son was the person who told me about my husband's affair. He came home early from school and found his father and his lady friend in their birthday suits in our family room. My husband didn't say a word that night. I actually remember asking my husband if he felt okay because he was just laying on the sofa and looked like he was sick before he left for work that night. He was a coward who didn't have the balls to tell me. Later on that night, after realizing something was wrong with my son, the truth came out.


----------



## arbitrator

LittleMiss13 said:


> Unfortunatley my oldest son was the person who told me about my husband's affair. He came home early from school and found his father and his lady friend in their birthday suits in our family room. My husband didn't say a word that night. I actually remember asking my husband if he felt okay because he was just laying on the sofa and looked like he was sick before he left for work that night. He was a coward who didn't have the balls to tell me. Later on that night, after realizing something was wrong with my son, the truth came out.



Your husband sounds like a real piece of work!


----------



## Hope1964

LittleMiss13 said:


> Unfortunatley my oldest son was the person who told me about my husband's affair. He came home early from school and found his father and his lady friend in their birthday suits in our family room. My husband didn't say a word that night. I actually remember asking my husband if he felt okay because he was just laying on the sofa and looked like he was sick before he left for work that night. He was a coward who didn't have the balls to tell me. Later on that night, after realizing something was wrong with my son, the truth came out.


Good lord.

My story's linked in my sig, including how I found out.

As for wanting to kill him, I wouldn't say I wanted to KILL him, literally, but I did want to do him great physical harm. I was shaking and screaming and throwing things (actually I did this on both D days) and wishing with all my might that I could crush something into his face, like something glass that would permanently disfigure him or something. I don't really know what held me back. Probably the fact the kids still depended on me. I did bruise him on D day 2 when I threw a full can of pop at him and hit his shoulder.

Not one of my finest moments.


----------



## MattMatt

LittleMiss13 said:


> Unfortunatley my oldest son was the person who told me about my husband's affair. He came home early from school and found his father and his lady friend in their birthday suits in our family room. My husband didn't say a word that night. I actually remember asking my husband if he felt okay because he was just laying on the sofa and looked like he was sick before he left for work that night. He was a coward who didn't have the balls to tell me. Later on that night, after realizing something was wrong with my son, the truth came out.


That happened to a girl I used to know. When she was about 14 she came home from school early one day and found her father in bed with a man.

About a week later it was she who found her father's body after he had killed himself.

Horrible, horrible thing to happen to her and her in denial mother wondered why "She had gone off the rails."


----------



## RWB

@LittleMiss13,

My grown daughter called me and told me about my wife's affairs. My wife was emailing her current "lover" describing all,l how happy she was with him and how horrible our marriage (30 years) had been. It was strange to read the language my wife used, the sexual content and all. It really does speak to the facts that you never really know someone, deep down. She had been cheating for years and had our whole family fooled. 

Scary to think that someone you raised 2 kids with for 30+ years was nothing more than a charade in your life.


----------



## Rowan

I'd been trying to pin H down on what he wanted to do for his birthday for weeks, but he simply would not give me a direct answer or agree to finalizing any real plans. 

On the afternoon of his brithday, I called him up at work to ask him if he wanted to meet for dinner at our favorite restaurant to celebrate. After a bit of a pause, he told me that his just-a-friend had already made plans for his birthday dinner party, including inviting several other guests, at that very restaurant that night. In fact, she'd taken care of making all the plans, since I hadn't done it, and wasn't that great of her!?!? Seems the only detail she (or he, for that matter) had forgotten was inviting me (Isn't that so funny? So like her, the silly girl!). 

Neither of them seemed to think there was anything at all odd about his "friend" planning a party for him and not inviting his wife. I was very gently, sweetly, even a touch pityingly, informed that I might be a touch overly emotional (perhaps hormonal or something?) because I was clearly over-reacting to such a little thing. She's such a good friend, to us both, after all. I went to dinner that night, but it was suddenly very clear to me that I was the third wheel to their couple.

Two days later, I discovered that he hadn't even bothered to delete the incriminating texts about their affair off of his un-password protected phone.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Well, he tried sleeping with a friend of mine. I had my suspicions. When I found out, he blamed me and said it was my fault that he made the moves on her. He really thought I would buy that. I left the next morning. Packing up my child and clothing.

Three days after I left, another woman moved in. I later found out that he slept with a couple of this girls friends and their was a feud between the friends over my ex h while I was still married. My ex would leave every weekend and not come home until he had to work the next day.

He's married to that woman and I know of 3 women he slept with on her. He's a true serial cheater. I told her details about these women and his wife told me I was trying to ruin their marriage. That wasn't the case at all, I was disgusted that he told my 14-15 year old he was unfaithful. Anyway, his current wife obviously doesn't mind the cheating.


----------



## MattMatt

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Well, he tried sleeping with a friend of mine. I had my suspicions. When I found out, he blamed me and said it was my fault that he made the moves on her. He really thought I would buy that. I left the next morning. Packing up my child and clothing.
> 
> Three days after I left, another woman moved in. I later found out that he slept with a couple of this girls friends and their was a feud between the friends over my ex h while I was still married. My ex would leave every weekend and not come home until he had to work the next day.
> 
> He's married to that woman and I know of 3 women he slept with on her. He's a true serial cheater. I told her details about these women and his wife told me I was trying to ruin their marriage. That wasn't the case at all, I was disgusted that he told my 14-15 year old he was unfaithful. Anyway, his current wife obviously doesn't mind the cheating.


Whew, what a worthless H!


----------



## jupiter13

I am new and this is raw. I found out after returning home from having a hip replacement and having to stay in a recovery place for a month. One night he came home high, he beat the hell out of me confessing his infidelity not with one girl but with three.

He went to jail. I have since taken him back into the home. He is now getting counseling and I am too. This A brought up more issues for me than some days I think I can stand. Many of the issues I know I have to deal with but I feel so alone. The pain is unbearable, the loss, the grief. To top it all off I have had to bury two cats, a dog, and several very long term friends and family one after another, still having to deal with H, who is so very sorry but has no idea the extent of what I have lost as a person, as a wife, the very core of who I am, my values in life have been striped from me. I don't have a clue what is right or wrong anymore and when it comes down to it who cares anyway as long as it feels good for you. 

I have since found out that it was just one girl and her husband and their sexual problem. Well, now it's my problem. While he wants nothing to do with them. I have found him withholding information he should have given me when I asked the first time. All I feel I'm getting is more betrayal in the details I am finding out by accedent as the story changes. Thank u


----------



## MattMatt

jupiter13 said:


> I am new and this is raw. I found out after returning home from having a hip replacement and having to stay in a recovery place for a month. One night he came home high, he beat the hell out of me confessing his infidelity not with one girl but with three.
> 
> He went to jail. I have since taken him back into the home. He is now getting counseling and I am too. This A brought up more issues for me than some days I think I can stand. Many of the issues I know I have to deal with but I feel so alone. The pain is unbearable, the loss, the grief. To top it all off I have had to bury two cats, a dog, and several very long term friends and family one after another, still having to deal with H, who is so very sorry but has no idea the extent of what I have lost as a person, as a wife, the very core of who I am, my values in life have been striped from me. I don't have a clue what is right or wrong anymore and when it comes down to it who cares anyway as long as it feels good for you.
> 
> I have since found out that it was just one girl and her husband and their sexual problem. Well, now it's my problem. While he wants nothing to do with them. I have found him withholding information he should have given me when I asked the first time. All I feel I'm getting is more betrayal in the details I am finding out by accedent as the story changes. Thank u


You were in pain, from surgery and he came home, told you he had multiple affairs and physically assaulted you? 

What an utter dastard he was.

I wish you well for your future life, whatever you wish it to be.


----------



## Zanna

I found out when OW called our home.

H had finally ended the A once and for all and was firm with OW that it was over. She was a mess and said she was going to end our M by telling me about the A if he wouldn't change his mind and leave me for her. Actually, she had been threatening him for months because he told her he wanted our M. However, she was calling our home from a blocked number so I thought it was telemarkers. When he finally put his foot down and said no more to the emotional blackmail because it was clear she was not going away quietly as he had hoped, she finally called without blocking her number. He deleted the call display but I had already seen the # earlier that day so I was immediately suspicious...

The next day, I asked him why he deleted the number and he said, "I can't do this anymore" and admitted to the A. Apparently, he had already spent about 4 hours on the phone that day trying to talk hysterical, sobbing, threatening OW down off the cliff of crazy. 

Anyway, I screamed in shock at his admission and our daughter overheard. Then our other two kids came running when they heard their sister crying and screaming. I tried to get them all to go upstairs but they wouldn't listen and my oldest started screaming that her father was a pig and a sleazebag. She was also screaming about how her and her brother and sister would never be around that b!tch. She was my feisty little ally that night. But it was one ugly dramatic scene that ended with all of us crying on the floor.

Crazy OW continued to call and text my H like a madwoman for days after claiming he owed her and it was all so unfair to her. When her plan to take down the M and have me kick him out failed, she resorted to guilt tactics as in she would die without him. 

Months later we finally had to resort to a C&D because she would not go away.

Lucky boy. He snagged himself the extra special bunny boiler kind of OW. :smthumbup:


----------



## MattMatt

Actually, I think your daughter could well be right in her opinion of your husband.

And it's possible that the OW was right in that it might have been unfair on her.

After all, who knows WHAT lies your husband told the OW to get her into bed?

This is what happens when people cheat. They hurt lots of other people.


----------



## Zanna

MattMatt said:


> Actually, I think your daughter could well be right in her opinion of your husband.


Yes, during that time, she was most definitely right and he told her so.



MattMatt said:


> it's possible that the OW was right in that it might have been unfair on her.


Yikes. Not even close. She knew exactly the damage she would cause by getting involved with a married man being that she herself was also married with two children. She got exactly what was coming to her when she chose to make selfish entitled decisions with little regard for anyone or anything but HER feelings.

As for unfair, last time I looked... her sleazy name was not on my marriage license. Being a side-piece to a MM does not require one to receive "fair" treatment.



MattMatt said:


> After all, who knows WHAT lies your husband told the OW to get her into bed?


He told her we were in a sexless M. And that I was not into him at the time. Both true. I was unhappy and I was not attracted to him. I was contemplating leaving myself but it certainly wasn't because he was a wonderful H. We had a troubled marriage but I wasn't off cheating.

Also, OW went away with my H after meeting him only a couple weeks earlier and lied to her H about where she was so she was a great old liar herself, now wasn't she? She also claimed her H beat her. Would you be surprised to find out that was not true? Woman was hardly the victim and told my H a few lovely little stories herself.



MattMatt said:


> This is what happens when people cheat. They hurt lots of other people.


Agree with you there but since the OW or the OM has little regard for the feelings of the BS, if you read articles on infidelity you will see that we as BS are certainly not morally obligated to care about their "hurt". I hope she got hurt. She hurt me, she hurt my kids. She absolutely knew what she was doing and she chose to do it to her own H as well. Not feeling the sympathy for the tramp.


----------



## MattMatt

So, in fact two sleazebags met. 

She hurt her husband, you and your children, your husband hurt you, your children, her husband and his children.

What a delightful pair!


----------



## Zanna

MattMatt said:


> So, in fact two sleazebags met.
> 
> She hurt her husband, you and your children, your husband hurt you, your children, her husband and his children.
> 
> What a delightful pair!


Yep, you got that right, MattMatt.

Two immature, selfish, entitled, cheating losers who decided to solve their personal and marriage problems with an affair. With little regard for their spouses or children.

Those were my H's words by the way.

He said he had attracted what he put out there and that's when he knew it was time to take a good long hard look at the horrible person he had become.

See for me, that is the difference. My H woke up and he got it. He started reading about A's and about marriage (I found the book receipts dated before D-day so I have proof) because the guilt was screaming at him. He realized he had unfairly blamed me for all the problems in our M. He realized that he did not want to be involved in an affair. He said it didn't feel right and never had.

He told OW this. That he should have never gotten involved with her, that an affair was wrong and that he thought his M could be saved. She knew we had children (our youngest was 7 at the time) but she didn't care about our children. She continued to call our home after we told her she was upsetting them and to STOP.

So in the battle of the two sleazebags, in the end, she won.


----------



## MattMatt

She did not care about her children, so not caring about your children was clearly second nature to her.


----------



## Zanna

MattMatt said:


> She did not care about her children, so not caring about your children was clearly second nature to her.


Yes, wonderful mother that she is...about 2 months after D-day she began sending me articles on how to help your children through a divorce and how not to use the children to hurt your ex- spouse, etc.

I know she did it to get a rise out of me but it just made me shake my head at her desperation and pure evilness, and it certainly didn't earn her any points with my H. I read online that when the OW/OM get crazy, it's a sign the A is definitely over so she actually helped me feel safer.


----------



## MattMatt

Zanna said:


> Yes, wonderful mother that she is...about 2 months after D-day she began sending me articles on how to help your children through a divorce and how not to use the children to hurt your ex- spouse, etc.
> 
> I know she did it to get a rise out of me but it just made me shake my head at her desperation and pure evilness, and it certainly didn't earn her any points with my H. I read online that when the OW/OM get crazy, it's a sign the A is definitely over so she actually helped me feel safer.


Unless she was in the fog? She just KNEW that your husband was going to come round to rescue her from the evil, vile monster (aka her kind, loving husband in reality) and ride off into the sunset, where they would live happily ever after.

So in order to prepare the ground, she had to ensure you would not get in the way.

I wonder what articles she gave her poor, deluded husband to read? 

"Your wife is a serial cheater, so get over it"?
"How to fund your formerly faithful wife's brand new cheating lifestyle"?
or: "Faithful husband, you're a loser, you'll never see your children again, so why not buy a dog"?


----------



## arbitrator

Cell-phone call/texting records, FB messages and photos, with not one, but two guys from her past that she had reconnected with on FB ~ and it was all clandestinely going on while we were still "lovingly" living in the same house together as husband and wife!

But this wasn't actually discovered until some 10 months into the separation process!


----------



## Monroe

As I was walking out the door to pick my daughter up from school, my husband blurted out "I've been thinking about divorce." I said "Excuse me? What?" It was the first time divorce was ever mentioned regarding our marriage. 

When I returned home from picking up our daughter (about 5 minutes later), I asked him what was up with what he said. He told me he didn't mean it... it just slipped out and he wasn't really thinking about divorce and he was sorry.

It got my spidey senses all tingling and I went full Nancy Drew. I looked in his email and saw an email titled "100 reasons why I love you". My name wasn't in the send box... it was the woman he had been having a 74 day EA with. An old girlfriend from over 2 decades ago. They reconnected on Facebook.


----------



## jupiter13

I had just returned from hip replacement and recovery hospital stay about a month when he came home one night high as a kite got angry with me, became violent and blurted out about being with three women, wanted a divorce etc. He went to jail. 3 weeks later I let him come home and enter MC and PC.


----------



## Bellavista

When I accidently downloaded H's work emails onto our home computer & found an email from his mother stating how pleased she was that he was finding happiness with the OW. (He was away o/seas at the time). 
Gotta love the MIl who thinks it is not her business to tell you that the father of her grandchildren is planning to desert his family.


----------



## doc_martin

first affair? WW left her phone at home and asked me to bring it to her, forgot to erase messages.

Second affair? I was turning 40 and she was making me a secret photo album of professionally done lingerie/nude photos. She said she couldn't keep a secret and tried to send me one. The attachment didn't go through so I went into her email to retrieve it...where I found she had sent that photo and three others to a dad at our son's school. I still got the photo album as my birthday present (HA!). It's very nicely bound with a red ribbon, a print of lips kissing and a "for your eyes only" sign on it. The irony is not lost on me. I have never looked at it.


----------



## WhyDoIFeelThisWay

Had a gut feeling, started investigating, then made him take a polygraph test. At the test he admitted to a ONS a few years after we were married, and to 4 happy endings at massage parlors. 

Just found out a week ago, thought that if I found out he was cheating I would be done, but realized I don't want to give up on 14 years of marriage. I am hoping we can get through this and move on, but worried because it seems like many who cheat continue to do it again. Only time will tell.


----------



## twoforwardoneback

I knew all along that it was happening, my STBXH was always hanging out with 'his really good friend' and my gut just said it was something more. I cracked the password on his phone and read his texts, nothing too bad from him but some really suggestive stuff from her. I went into some pretty serious denial, believing him when he said it was all in my head, but knowing just KNOWING that it wasn't like he kept saying. He sent me to a psychiatrist to have me deal with my jealousy issues and my irrational fantasies of his affair. He actually had that kind of power over me, to make me feel like i was totally crazy when i wasn't. The lid blew off when i got a facebook message from someone with a fake account telling me all the gory details and telling me that they had heard it directly from my H's daughter. I grilled her (because i knew my STBXH would lie and deny... as always.. and then make me feel like a crazy for accusing him) and she broke down spat out the story. I not only felt like he had betrayed me but she was my stepdaughter for 10 years, i was a second mother to her (so she always told me), and she knew about the A for about 6 months and didn't tell me at all. Blood will always be thicker than water i guess. I kinda' feel bad for her, she must have been torn inbetween telling and not telling, but it hurts me nonetheless that she chose to be silent all that time the way she did. That was about 6 months ago, we are divorcing... The OW and i talked, she tried demonising me,saying i wasn't making him happy and she wanted him to be happy because she loves him and if i loved him i would want that too but i obviously don't. WTF??! I am still hurting. I am trying to deal with it rationally but some days i am still so angry about it i could take to things with a baseball bat. I moved out (see my other thread) and he has new girlfriend already living with him.
So now there is all the old hurt, the old anger, being compounded by the new hurt and the new anger. 
My life has turned into a farce.


----------



## husbandfool

This was great! It wasn't my wife but, a woman I was in a serious relationship with, before I met my wife ....

She had 2 kids I had 3. She seemed a bit weird to me lately at the time. One week I asked if she want to visit Boston for the weekend, see the flower show and have a fun getaway in the city. She declined saying she had too much to do with her kids and couldn't get a sitter for the weekend anyway. She was also too busy to get together.

So, I had a quiet weekend at home with the kids, doing chores, etc.
I woke up Sunday morning to find a number of voice messages from her on my cell phone. The calls were made late Saturday night. She had accidentally "butt-dialed" my number and it went right to my voice mail since my phone was off. Lo and behold I was able to hear a long chunk of her late night "dinner" conversation with some guy. It was so long that it generated multiple stored messages. The conversation was very interesting and this guy was definitely trying to get into her pants. What a hoot! She did the spying for me. : )
I found out she, and this man, had gone for a weekend away to Cape Cod. It was one of those vacation condo deals where you get a free weekend but, they put on a hard sell for you to buy. She was gone from Friday until late Sunday. I'll bet they were just playing a lot of cribbage together! : )

I broke up with her right after that. I didn't need any more. Soon after, she moved to Texas to start afresh. I should find her and send her a thank you note for saving me a lot of heartache.


----------

