# Wife at crossroads, don't know how to communicate, distance growing. I need help



## tallnclueless (Aug 19, 2012)

Wife at crossroads, don't know how to communicate, distance growing. I need help

Hey everyone,

I feel as though my marriage is heading to a break point after only one year and I don't know what to do. We have been together for five years and married almost 1.5. We just moved out to London, UK for my work right after being married so it's been a whirl wind for the first few months but have settled into what we had hoped was a long, wonderful marriage full of surprises, exploring and growth together. Fast forward to today and things have changed quite a bit in that some of the demons we had early on are coming up to bite us and change is happening.

First a bit of background, the wife and I are very different people. I am the numbers, she is the artist; I am the quiet and sometimes awkward one (sometimes) and she is the wildly social friend of everyone. We are both stubborn people who are used to getting our own ways when we were single but have struggled to make the transition to being a couple/married and who gets what.

We think differently and have different approaches to many of life’s situations. I’ve heard this can be bad or good but early on for me at least this was good, I needed change from the lonely person I was to where I am today which is a much more developed person socially and very happily married to the love of my life. For her, it’s a bigger issue that looms.

I’m here because I don’t know what to do and don’t even know where to start. How about where we are today: there are issues that we’ve had in our relationship since day one that we have never sorted out and although these issues take a vacation here and there, they come back stronger and worse than ever. Here are some of the issues:

Time – I work full time and long hours often; she has jobs here and there but they don’t work out (fired/quits or ends). I struggle with finding the right balance or any balance really for: our marriage, me and work (I’d like to say in the order). I’m a procrastinator and because I don’t know what the **** I’m doing with my marriage things get backlogged and next thing you know I’ve dug a big hole with all kinds of issues to throw into it (perceived disengagement, exploring new things, me not working on self, me not making friends which is a whole other conversation cause I basically don’t have any in London, etc.) I basically don’t know how to fit it all in.

Sex - we are on different wave lengths and it’s always been an issue that we have not solved. She’s adventurous and treats me with kid gloves, I’m unsure and stoic and haven’t provided all that she needs. I’ve tried everything in my small repertoire only to find that she’s disengaged and backlogging her needs due to the idea that I can’t provide what she wants. Let’s just say there is a mountain of mental issues that she has regarding our sex that I find almost in surmountable. She’s led a wild life, I haven’t, hence the kid gloves. We are now at a point where we haven’t had sex in three months and it’s killing me. We would have bouts of 2-3 weeks with nothing but never this long. It’s become this huge divide and she’s not interested. We weren’t rabbits or anything like that before but you get to a point where it’s not there and then you don’t miss it.

Communications – we are basically really bad with it. I can’t find the words to convey the ideas from my heart or any of my needs (without fear) and she’s got a long laundry list of complaints. Basically, she knows exactly what she wants and I don’t know how to communicate what I need. I’ve asked for maybe two things in our time together: first being that I wanted to be the only man that counted in her life when we first got together (she has many male friends, few female) which was pretty easy. The second was that I need more stability from her when it came to her attitude from us. We’ve always had this seesaw relationship, one person’s up, the next week your down and then the next week the other is up. Anyway, let’s just say that request #2 was met with an explosion of emotion and venom that I put that in a box to never be seen from again. 

So here we are now, with new lows and us finding that we don’t know what to do with eachother: she’s made some big personal growth in the last few months with yoga/new friends/active routine to which I think that she’s realized that she’s been cutting herself short for too long by nurturing this relationship and my inexperience. She wants to focus on self and not the relationship at the moment. I think the self growth she’s had has been great and I’ve been supportive as she’s gone through some dark times with me but I wouldn’t hope that it would create this divide between us.

I on the other hand couldn’t be more lost. I don’t have any friends to talk to about this because the few I have are back in the US and very few are married. Then again, I don’t even know where to begin. I love this woman with all my heart and the fact I don’t even know where to begin proves that I’m in a pretty pathetic place. 

PLEASE HELP.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I would focus on self-improvement too and be ready to lose her. You have a lot of issues to square out that does not involve your wife.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Odds are there is another guy moving in. You need to monitor her activities closely. Check her cell phone records for usage. Check the history on the phone, including texts.

In the meantime, you need to step up your game. Download the ebook Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. It's about building your wife's attraction to you. Right now, your wife has no sexual attraction to you and is most likely in the process of redirecting that desire to someone else. To stop this, you need to learn about the true sexual nature of women and the sexual hierarchy of men.

The sooner you absorb and implement the information at those sites, the better chance you have of getting what you want out of marriage.

Aside from the booklearning, find a good gym and start weight training. You want maximum muscle and minimum fat. Bodybuilding, not powerlifting. Change your mode of dress and your hairstyle immediately.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

The other two posters have it spot on. Your needs are the last thing she's interested in right now. You need to change for yourself, not her. You have to become happier in yourself (tall order in your situation)... you have to feel like you don't need her... (again very tough, but do your best). You need to detach from her quite a bit and stop arguing with her. Forget raising what you want from the relationship for a LONG TIME. In my separation, and MC, I made the mistake of asking for things that she felt were an unbridgeable divide. Don't make the same mistake as me! *Stop being unhappy with the way things are!* The debates are killing her love for you.

The biggest thing you can do in your favor is this: try not to be dependent on her or what she does/doesn't do for your happiness. Try not to let your life revolve around her or what she does. Try to be happy regardless of what she does, and whether she stays or goes. You should have the attitude that you have a great life no matter what she does, and she can share it if she wants. When you're together, make it fun.


----------



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

good luck, the 3 months no sex will turn into a year, i know from experience. dont let it


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

there is another guy in the picture. Find him. The no sex is a big clue



> he’s made some big personal growth in the last few months with yoga/*new friends*/active routine to which I think that she’s realized that she’s been cutting herself short for too long by nurturing this relationship and my inexperience


F*ck!!!


----------



## tallnclueless (Aug 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> there is another guy in the picture. Find him. The no sex is a big clue
> 
> 
> 
> F*ck!!!




Yup, life is over as we all know it. Head for the hills aliens advancing !!!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I know you're probably hurting too much to look at the big picture here, but the guys on this board have experience in this regard. It sure sounds an awful lot like she's interested in another man either sexually or emotionally. I hope we are wrong but....it doesn't look good.


----------

