# How Do You Get Through the Days of Uncertainty?



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

For those of you dealing with your relationship being "in limbo," and not knowing whether your marriage is going to make it or not, how do you cope with the days of uncertainty?

Particularly, for those of you on the uncomfortable receiving end of the "I don't think I want to stay married anymore" or the "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore" conversations, how do you manage your day to day with all of your anxiety, fear, panic, sadness, and gloom?

Although my husband is agreeing to "work" on our marriage (we've just started counseling), there's still the overwhelming feeling of complete fear, sadness, worry and panic. If you're anything like me sometimes the waves hit you during your day and you just lose it sobbing. It's hard to sleep, eat and function at times...

How do you cope and try to keep a positive attitude??? :scratchhead:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I can sympathize with you, it's hell to go through. For me coping was a combination of things.

My *faith* was paramount. I have always been of faith and had needed it at other times in my life but never like I did when my marriage was at the abyss.

I accepted early on that recovery would take time and I needed to improve my *patience*. Our full recovery was measured not in weeks or months but in years.

When dealing with my wife I needed to project as much *Confidence* as I could muster. It drew her to me in the first place. When she gave me the ILYBANILWY speech, I lost that confidence and it drove her closer to TOM.

Once I committed to doing what I needed to save the marriage I made sure that the *love* of my wife kept me going. When things got tough I remembered how much I loved her, how horrible I felt when I saw may own short comings in the marriage and that drove me on.

I became very good friends with some one here on the board for support. He was much in the same boat as I so we could "compare notes" with what was going on with our wives. His marriage failed, mine survived but we are still in contact today to keep up with each other.

I tried to help people here with the lessons I had learned. That seemed to help also.

Finally, no matter how hard it got and at times seemed hopeless, I never lost sight of the end goal. The recovery of my marriage.

The days of limbo can be long and difficult but with time, with little victories, small advances and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel they get easier. Anxiety changes to hope, hope changes to optimism and optimism changes to success. Good luck and hang in there.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You have to remember what it is you're working toward. When you feel hopeless and like it's not working or you're not making progress, you have to remember the goal and that that goal is what you want, and you won't get there if you give up just because things are still tough. 

It's not going to be easy, but you have to tough it out and keep working to get back to the good stuff.


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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

its hard for me because its always on my mind whats going to happen with us. not good when you're trying not to scrap a $15,000 piece of metal on the job. when you hear the "i'm not in love" speech, & the debate on whether or not to seperate, it invades everything. i think something that helps me get along though is my kids. always entertainment with them 2. it cant be said enough to have patience & understanding, because a large part of the decision is up to 1 person to stay or go. and that takes time unless there are some bad things happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Focus on yourself and all that is good in your life outside of your marriage.
For me what got me through my divorce was:
#1 Friends and family
#2 Exercise/martial arts
#3 Consistently working on myself, inside and out, every day.
#4 Enjoying all the things I couldn't have in my marriage. For me it was listening to the kind of music she hated, watching the tv shows she didn't like, going to clubs and shows she didn't like, enjoying the childish "guy" things like sports, etc that drove her nuts.

Now I recognize you're not at that stage but perhaps this will help. Either way there's light at the end of the tunnel, take solace in that. You will survive this. More than that, you will thrive. The power a relationship or person holds over you is only the power you give it.

Best of luck; I hope things work out for you.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks for your advice. Yes, it's very tough -- sometimes hard just to get through a few minutes of the day when panic and emotion set in. It's such a hard spot to be in and I know many folks are in it, have been in it or will be in it. I find it particularly hard that we're "co-existing" in the same house as we "work" on the marriage. I'm doing a lot of external work by changing my neglectful ways. But he must be doing all internal work because he's very distant despite my efforts. I know we didn't get here overnight and that it will take time -- patience is something I'm having to learn. But the uncertainty can be overwhelming at times, leading to a path of depressing thoughts and, sometimes, a thought to just give up. Not what I want at all -- he's too important to me. But sometimes my emotions take over and I'd love to be in more control over the negativity.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Hopeful1 - I'm with you. I'm dealing with this myself. You can read my other post for background; but I agree with you, the "co-existing" is particularly hard to take. We are seeing a counselor...and I've been doing a lot of reading....and I've joined this group, learning a lot....and I am trying to employ a lot of empathy towards her. BUT....the sheer Apathy I am getting, in return, is sheer hell.

As to how to get through it....I work, I read, I am putting myself out there for her. Our anniversary is coming up in 6 weeks. I know, in the grand scheme of things...that isn't that long. BUT...I'm giving myself that date, as a timelimit. If I don't see something (doesn't have to be big) positive coming out of her....I feel I will have no choice but to turn away. Maybe it isn't the right approach, but what's killing me the most is the unending question mark.

Good luck.


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## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

I'm going through this now and I know I am not in a good emotional state of mind. I am also in counciling weekly. What I am trying to learn to do is to learn more about me. I am looking for inner peace and trying to learn to meditate, reading about the Law Of Attraction. Watching inspiring self worth videos on youtube and now finding this fabulous place to express those crazy feelings where others may listen.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks, Peachyqqq. Counseling is helping, I think -- too soon to really tell, I guess as we've only had 3 sessions, but I also had my first solo session tonight and that was a great thing. I, too, am focusing on myself, but in the still of the day (or worse, the night) my thoughts start messing with me and it's hard to keep calm, rational and optimistic, you know?


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## Pinky (Sep 17, 2009)

Hi everyone...it's been a while since I've posted anything. But I'm very sorry for everyone cause I'm going through the same thing for the last 2 years! My husband and I (he's 38 and I'll be 39 next week) will be together 23 years in November and were just married 15 this past June. We're going to counseling as well...it will be a year in December. Frankly, it's not working and I don't think its working cause I think he's still cheating. And quite honestly...I was on the fence about divorce...but now I just can't stand it anymore and now I have one foot on the ground ready to just do it...I'm sorry for everyone going through this cause it sucks, but I am glad that I'm not alone. It wouldn't hurt so much if we weren't so ridiculously close before. (sorry for the para about me...I just wanted to give a little background)... 

And Hopeful, I agree with everyone...start doing things for urself. Lean on ur friends (mine have been my rock), ur family and most importantly urself. Do things that make u feel good about urself and things that make u feel pretty and worth more than what ur getting at home. And when those moments of panic, fear and loneliness set in, talk urself out of it and find something tedious to do to keep ur mind off of things until the moment passes. These are things that I just learned after all this time with counseling and self reflection...and it works for me. Even a walk will do good to get those endorphyns going. 

Good luck to everyone...:banghead:


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

I too am being HELD out and never know if i might be dropped so to speak.. whats helped me is I know that iam trying my best even though she hasnt worked much on our relationship i have done tons of research and fell that im giving it my all... and if it doesnt work out well i tryed my best, i started my work out again and feel great whitened my teeth and try to stay busy with stuff i like but still not giving her a hard time today was the first time in almost a month i said anything to her about our relation ship. and all i asked was where are we?? typical answer received but it was what i expected. Do i love her?? hell yes will i be upset if it doesnt work ..yes but did i try my best you bet.... one thing i do realize when one door closes another door opens so far in life ive bettered my self after a bad relationship if this marriage fails im sure ill find happiness again and be better armed with more info to keep it that way.communication is key... and before i get serious with anyone if that day comes... we take the 5 love language test and ill judge from there good luck it can only get better weve been to the bottom we can only go up!!!!!!!


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## taylor78 (Sep 4, 2010)

For me, I go back and remember our good old days. I look at pictures that we took together and remember the things that we said to each other. 
Being "in limbo" is just a process of marriage that everybody has to face.
If you can list all the things that you like/dislike about your husband, you'll end up listing more in your like side. It means you still love him so don't worry. 

If not, try to find things that you guys can do together. You'll be surprised how well you can improve your relationship just by doing small things together.

Good luck!


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Do you believe in God?

I cried hard and prayed hard. When I was not able to fall into sleep. I would pray in my heart repeatedly saying, "Jesus Christ please save me!" About 10 mins, I would be sleeping.

So maybe you want to give it a try?!


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## xoxopinkxo (Sep 21, 2010)

Im in a similar situation. Ive been given the "I love you but Im not in love with you" speech. We seperated for about a month, but still forced to live in the same house which made it unbearable. Suddenly one morning he decides he wants to give it another go for sure, then a day later changes his mind back to "we'll see". Im on such an emotional roller coaster, and at the same time, he's got a female friend he talks to on the phone, that he met on FB when we were seperated. At first he says "Im changing my number and I wont speak to her anymore." But when he called her up to tell her him and I were going to work on things, he suddenly decided he would NOT stop talking to her and he didnt care that it hurts me that he does it, and said he would continue talking to her because if things dont work between us, he will still ahve a good friendship with her. Im working so hard to make things right that I have wronged, and I feel like my emotions are being toyed with and I DONT want to loose my husband, but cant stand crying every single day knowing he's emotionally connected to another woman, even if its as friends...thats suppose to be MY job.


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## SmallRose (Jul 19, 2010)

I too am in the same boat and got the same speech "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" and I'm right there with you, i'm trying to work on my patience but at random times throughout the day, I'll think about it...dwell on it and then cry. I hate feeling this way and being in this "limbo". We have talked and he says that even though he doesn't feel like he's "in love" with me or feel that "passion" to spend time with me, he doesn't think that divorce is what he wants. He refuses to go to marriage counseling but he is thinking about going to counseling just for himself because he thinks that the issues are mainly his :shrug:

We are doing small things like spending more time together, trying to find common interests and we are pretty much "dating" again (just a little less extravagantly). This saturday we are going to a football game for his birthday, even though I HATE football, I am going with him to show him that we can still have fun together regardless of what we're doing. 

I am so glad to see that im not alone and im not the only one in limbo, I'm hear to listen if anyone needs an ear or to talk and share


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