# Decided to throw in the towel



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

After 2 years of more or less hell with my wife and the past 6 months with her being sick I've decided to throw in the towel. Many here will call me an ass or whatever but I have to do what I need to do in order to make myself happy. We've been married for 12 years and together for 15. She hasn't supported me for years and we've had a more or less sex-less marriage for the past 2 years with the past 6 months being completely sex free.

She makes promises and doesn't keep them and just isn't there for me when I need her. I've needed her the most I ever have the past 6 weeks and she wasn't there for me at all. I'm currently looking for a new place to live and hoping to be able to secure something within the next week or so. I haven't told her that I'm leaving but will right when I'm leaving.

I wanted to make things work but at the end of the day we are no longer compatible and I need to do what I can in order to be happy again.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

I guess you forgot the vows that said "In sickness and in health" I will call you an ass. Are you abandoning your children too? I hope if you remarry and you get sick your wife dumps you. My husband has had his share of health problems that has affected our sex life too but I would never leave him because of it. He hasn't chosen to be sick. I'm sure if I get sick someday he will be there for me.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Married27years said:


> I guess you forgot the vows that said "In sickness and in health" I will call you an ass. Are you abandoning your children too? I hope if you remarry and you get sick your wife dumps you. My husband has had his share of health problems that has affected our sex life too but I would never leave him because of it. He hasn't chosen to be sick. I'm sure if I get sick someday he will be there for me.


She's been sick for 5 months but we haven't had a relationship in over 2 YEARS. We haven't gone on one date in over 2 years. She wasn't sick this entire time. I will never abandon my son. He's awesome and is the most important person in my life.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You have to do what makes you happy, there is no reason for you to live a miserable life. 

She had a chance to prove this before she ever got sick, and you have been sticking by her. 

IT IS TIME TO LIVE LIFE FOR YOU.......


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I hope this is true. But then, you've said it before.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Looking2Change said:


> I haven't told her that I'm leaving but will right when I'm leaving.


Respect your marriage enough to give her a courtesy heads up. Why not tell her now?


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Respect your marriage enough to give her a courtesy heads up. Why not tell her now?


If I tell her now before I have somewhere to live she will kick me out of the house. I'm not willing to be homeless or live in a hotel. I have a bunch of appointments lined up for this week to look at townhouses and if all goes well I would be able to move out by the end of this month.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

In my opinion, she broke the relationship when she stopped reciprocating. You were there for her convenience. Perhaps she did not end the marriage because she did not want to be alone, start over, or a myriad of reasons but whatever it is, it was to benefit her. Your happiness was not to high on that list. It would be different scenario if she was a loving wife that fulfilled your needs just like you fulfilled her's.

What would staying gain you, a life in servitude for someone unappreciative of you and what you bring. People may judge you for living for yourself but cannot connect the irony of living for someone else other than yourself when the other is also living for themselves. So then who would prioritize you.

Good to get your ducks in a row and look after and protect yourself. Everyone has a line at different points where they would end a relationship, do not feel guilt over your own. My own personal philosophy is someone wants to wallow in their own misery, do it on their own. If someone were seeking help, that would be a different story and dependent on how well they treat you.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Looking2Change said:


> If I tell her now before I have somewhere to live she will kick me out of the house. I'm not willing to be homeless or live in a hotel. I have a bunch of appointments lined up for this week to look at townhouses and if all goes well I would be able to move out by the end of this month.


It's your house, too; she can't legally kick you out. Even squatters have rights, how much more a husband.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You both share the home, she cannot kick you out. It might not be real comfortable to be in the same home until you can get everything figured out legally but it can be done. I did it. I told my husband of 24 years I wanted a divorce and I wanted to make sure things were settled before I left. I had to find a place to live which took a while. I was afraid if I left before everything was legally separated and on paper he would try to keep me from what I was entitled to.

If she tries to kick you out of your own home call the police.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She can certainly make your life a living hell while you're there but she can't legally kick you out. It's your house too.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I know how she is and I wouldn't put it past her to call the police and say I was being aggressive towards her. We had an argument a few months ago and she threatened to call the police on me. I wasn't even yelling at her and basically told her to go ahead. I told her you can't call the police on someone because you're having a disagreement. 

I've always put her first in everything and for now I'm putting myself first. I'm going to get a place to live and once everything is set I will let her know that I'm moving out and filing for divorce. It will all happen on the same day.

She sent me a text earlier today saying that she loved me and I didn't respond. Then there were the typical texts of how that's weak that I didn't respond etc. I explained to her that she promised me this week we would have sex and that she would start working on us and she blew me off every single night. She had her typical lame excuse of why it didn't happen as she always does. The reason I finally decided to leave was I was giving her this week to put some effort in and by Friday she had blown me off 5 nights in a row so that's it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The problem is it's always tomorrow or next week with you. You talk a lot. It then you cool off and change your mind. You just don't seem to be a man of your word. We'll see I guess.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The problem is it's always tomorrow or next week with you. You talk a lot. It then you cool off and change your mind. You just don't seem to be a man of your word. We'll see I guess.


I have 3 appointments early this week to look at townhouses so this is the furthest I've gone. There has been a lot going on with moving my business the past few months so my priorities were getting that going which it is finally done so now I can focus on the next steps.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

So, I just get home from the gym and my wife is wearing a headache patch on her head. How convenient. This is her way of saying that she doesn't feel good and no sex tonight either. You can't make this stuff up. Doesn't matter though I wasn't expecting anything from her nor would I have had sex with her either way.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Looking2Change said:


> *I know how she is and I wouldn't put it past her to call the police and say I was being aggressive towards her. We had an argument a few months ago and she threatened to call the police on me. I wasn't even yelling at her and basically told her to go ahead. I told her you can't call the police on someone because you're having a disagreement. *
> 
> I've always put her first in everything and for now I'm putting myself first. I'm going to get a place to live and once everything is set I will let her know that I'm moving out and filing for divorce. It will all happen on the same day.
> 
> She sent me a text earlier today saying that she loved me and I didn't respond. Then there were the typical texts of how that's weak that I didn't respond etc. I explained to her that she promised me this week we would have sex and that she would start working on us and she blew me off every single night. She had her typical lame excuse of why it didn't happen as she always does. The reason I finally decided to leave was I was giving her this week to put some effort in and by Friday she had blown me off 5 nights in a row so that's it.


Your ignorance is going to cost you. If she calls the cops and tells them you were aggressive to her and she's afraid of you you're out. They will make you leave unless you can prove she's lying. So don't go anywhere she might be without a var on you.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> Your ignorance is going to cost you. If she calls the cops and tells them you were aggressive to her and she's afraid of you you're out. They will make you leave unless you can prove she's lying. So don't go anywhere she might be without a var on you.


Believe me I know this. I'm also friends with the chief of police in my town and if she were to ever call I would just leave before they got here. I don't think she ever would actually call but I'm not willing to find out


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Looking2Change said:


> So, I just get home from the gym and my wife is wearing a headache patch on her head. How convenient. This is her way of saying that she doesn't feel good and no sex tonight either. You can't make this stuff up. Doesn't matter though I wasn't expecting anything from her nor would I have had sex with her either way.




The best response to this is to get dressed up and head out to a bar or club. Have a few drinks. Turn your phone off.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Looking2Change said:


> So, I just get home from the gym and my wife is wearing a headache patch on her head.


Maybe she was doing that because she had a freaking headache. I really doubt she did that just to piss you off.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The best response to this is to get dressed up and head out to a bar or club. Have a few drinks. Turn your phone off.




I agree. 

Adding to above, Go hook up with someone for the night. Use a condom. Then you will see this is not just about sex. 



BTW, I was thinking about you today (from the Caregiver's thread), and was going to PM you to see how things are going. Then I found this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I agree. Go hook up for someone for the night.


Not what I said.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

There's a big difference between hooking up with a random stranger for casual sex and being unavailable and detached.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> You both share the home, she cannot kick you out. It might not be real comfortable to be in the same home until you can get everything figured out legally but it can be done. I did it. I told my husband of 24 years I wanted a divorce and I wanted to make sure things were settled before I left. I had to find a place to live which took a while. I was afraid if I left before everything was legally separated and on paper he would try to keep me from what I was entitled to.
> 
> If she tries to kick you out of your own home call the police.


You could get away with that---and even try that--because you are a woman.

One false accusation of abuse/call to the police by the OP's wife, and he is not only out of the house, but also has criminal charges.

On the other hand, in your situation, had your husband been a TRUE victim of spousal abuse by you (not saying you would, just a hypothetical), it's better than even money that a call to the police by him would have resulted in HIM being arrested, had they been unable to clearly clarify the he said/she said when they arrived.

So, yes, she CAN force him out if she is underhanded enough to lodge a false accusation.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not what I said.



I fixed my post for clarity.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> There's a big difference between hooking up with a random stranger for casual sex and being unavailable and detached.




He is leaving away. He has been complaining about lack of sex. 

Well, he can fix that easily if he has thrown in the towel. Maybe a ONS will give him the motivation he needs to follow through. 

BTW, I don't think he will actually do it.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> He is leaving away. He has been complaining about lack of sex.
> 
> Well, he can fix that easily if he has thrown in the towel. Maybe a ONS will give him the motivation he needs to follow through.
> 
> BTW, I don't think he will actually do it.


This is way more than lack of sex. I'm not going to go out and cheat on her because that's just not me. I am going to Vegas in 2 weeks without her so that will be fun and get my mind off of things. I'm leaving this time because I can't stay in this marriage. I'm beyond unhappy and will never have my needs met by her.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I told her tonight that I was moving out once I found a townhouse. She didn't understand why and I explained that the past 2 years have been terrible and that I can no longer live like this. She tried saying it was because she's been sick and I explained that she hasn't been sick for 2 years. I'm hoping to be able to finalize something this week and to be out near the beginning of the month. I'm not taking anything with me really except for my clothes etc. I'm going to let her keep everything furniture-wise and I will just buy new stuff as I go. I'm not looking for a fight I just want to go back to enjoying my life.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Looking2Change said:


> So, I just get home from the gym and my wife is wearing a headache patch on her head. How convenient. This is her way of saying that she doesn't feel good and no sex tonight either. You can't make this stuff up. Doesn't matter though I wasn't expecting anything from her nor would I have had sex with her either way.


Dr. John's best rejection lines:

- I'm not in the mood, Mitt Romney lost the election 
- our house is invaded by vermin and all you care about is sex (found one moth hole in one sweater and a 2 inch field mouse in the kitchen)
- I have to work tomorrow (goes to bed at 9:00 pm, having woken up at 9:00 am)
- my body can't handle it (someone who's as healthy as a woman half her age, walking 10 miles or cycling 30+ at 57).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Looking2Change You have a certificate signed by a Doctor and a psychiatrist stating that your wife has been in perfect health both mentally and physically over the entire two years? (Excluding her recent illness, of course...)

That's awesome! 

Then the divorce should be a slam dunk!

However, not all diseases have obvious, or any, symptoms No symptoms - RightDiagnosis.com


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Looking2Change said:


> I'm hoping to be able to finalize something this week and to be out near the beginning of the month. I'm not taking anything with me really except for my clothes etc. I'm going to let her keep everything furniture-wise and I will just buy new stuff as I go. I'm not looking for a fight I just want to go back to enjoying my life.


Don't be unfair to yourself. Get what you are due in the divorce. Now this can mean she gets more than 50% of the value if you feel that is fair. In my case my wife kept almost all the furniture and I'm having to buy a lot of things to furnish my townhome. It made more sense for her to keep a lot of the stuff for a variety of reasons. But financially I fought for and got a more than 50% financial settlement. She still ends up with more than 50% of the total $ when considering the furniture and stuff she kept, but it is a fair deal.

All that to say, don't screw yourself in a rush to get things done or out of some sense of guilt for leaving her. Peoples' true nature is magnified in divorce. You'll be surprised at how selfish or greedy she will be at times during the divorce. She's not going to see your position as generous, she's going to see it as the starting point from which she will ask for more.

Also, be aware that once you file divorce papers you will not be able to get a mortgage until the divorce is finalized by the judge. If you are planning on buying something, you're in a tough bind. You have to buy it as a second home and be able to qualify for both mortgages. Or, you wait until the divorce is finalized and you can get the equity out of your current home. There's no good process here if you're buying. If you're looking to rent then you avoid all that crap. In the long run I don't think there is a difference in cost whichever way you go, so go however is easiest for your situation.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I let my EXW keep the house and all the crap in it. I wanted a fresh start with NEW stuff. I wanted something to not change for my kids, the main reason. I kept my truck, my camper, and my retirement. Best of all, I'm free!! Can't put a price tag on that. She should have the refinance done in a month and then I'm going house shopping. I can't wait!


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Things blew up today and I think it's a good thing. I think this has allowed me to see what I really want and I just want to be happy. I love her but don't think I'm in love with her. We're no longer compatible and when talking tonight and today that became VERY CLEAR. I explained that for the past 2 years we haven't even gone on a date and the past 6 months we haven't even had 1% of a relationship. I understand she is sick but she's working full-time so if she can do that she can make 20 minutes for me. She's simply unwilling to do anything.

I've honestly checked out months ago and am OK with this. I'm still trying to get to look at the townhouses for rent but not having luck securing things. I might just move in with my father until I can get everything sorted out. She knows I'm serious now and she's really pissed at me but it's OK to be selfish once in a while.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Looking2Change said:


> Things blew up today and I think it's a good thing. I think this has allowed me to see what I really want and I just want to be happy. I love her but don't think I'm in love with her. We're no longer compatible and when talking tonight and today that became VERY CLEAR. I explained that for the past 2 years we haven't even gone on a date and the past 6 months we haven't even had 1% of a relationship. I understand she is sick but she's working full-time so if she can do that she can make 20 minutes for me. She's simply unwilling to do anything.


So when you mention all this to her, what is her response?


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> So when you mention all this to her, what is her response?


She just gets mad at me. She says that she is sick and I need to understand. I explain to her that I still have needs that haven't been met for the past 2+ years and things have only gotten way worse. She just doesn't care. Everything has always been about HER and not US. 

She knows I'm moving out and is pissed about it but is unwilling to do anything to improve our situation. I can't live like this and I'm not going to.


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