# My new life as a Single Mother



## notreadytoquit

I have been meaning to write this thread for a while now and I finally took the time to put it all down. For those that don’t know my story you can see my two large threads in the Men’s Clubhouse and Coping with Infidelity.

End of March I discovered my now ex H affair with a coworker. As soon as it was out in the open he filed for divorce. Our divorce was final Sep 20 exactly 6 months after our 5th wedding anniversary. We have a son that will turn 2 years in December.

So what have I done with my life so far? I will divide this thread in several sections so my emotions are not all over the place:

My own road to recovery and healing:

Son and I moved back to Canada from the US on Aug 6, 2010. Since then I have settled down in a nice apartment, got a lot of administrative stuff done related to my move, started looking for work and looks like I will be starting my new job on Dec 1. I am not super thrilled about going back to that industry(travel) but the money is now good and I need to start somewhere. Unfortunately, I can’t go back to real estate because it is commission only work and being absent from Canada for almost 3 years would mean starting from zero. I have also started looking into going back to university to potentially do a drastic career change. Still gathering info on that subject. I have actually joined a Single Parent’s group on Meetup.com to be able to meet other parents in a similar situation. The group has some nice people and there are many events organized for the kids and for the adults alike. I am actually now one of the event organizers of the group that numbers more than 200+ members and their children. I also started going to a do some bootcamp fitness that involves kickboxing and I am going 3x a week now. I will probably have to take a break now in December but I plan to pursue that and also downhill skiing again in the new year.

*My Family:*

Well my family helped me a lot in my move and my settling down back home. My parents are going to be watching my son while I am at work. Son has multiple food allergies so I don’t want to put him to daycare yet, maybe next year. But on the emotional front they have not been supportive at all. They are mad as hell at my ex H and they cannot understand why I need to talk to people, why I need to tell my story, why I spend hours on the computer (being on this forum). They have not asked me once since my divorce was final, how I actually feel. My mother has already invented a story to tell her closest friends why I am back in Canada and she is not telling them that I am divorced. They say they are not ashamed of me but they don’t want people in our community (Southeastern European) to gloat at my unhappiness(not that their kids are not getting divorced). What’s even more sad my younger sister is on their side as well. I personally could careless what people think. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did not go around to sleep with other men while married.

*In laws family*:

My BIL and SIL at first were supportive but now they have not called since April to even see how we are doing. When I moved back, I sent an email with my new address and phone number to friends and family(including them) but still waiting to hear. If nothing else you would think they would want to maintain some sort of relationship with my son. My MIL calls occasionally to ask how son is doing(God forbid if she asks how I am doing, that’s no no in her book). She is the only close family son has here in Canada and in this city and she has not even made an effort to come and see where her grandson is living or how he is living. She has been invited on more than one occasion even told her myself before the divorce and it is actually spelled out in our parenting plan. I offered for her to come and stay with us for few days since she lives on the other side of town and does not like to drive(she would take the train). Instead she told ex H that she would come to pick up grandson and take him to her house so I don’t have to drive. She would do this by train. It takes more than an hour in one direction by train only. So she will subject a 2 year old through that just so she does not come to my place. Not that I care if she ever comes but by putting my son through that trip she is not looking after his best interest. She has not done this yet but this is what she told my ex H.

On top of that I recently found out she has been spreading rumors about me having this boyfriend since I came back to Canada(we were not officially divorced yet when I moved back). This is completely false since I don’t even have time to go to the bathroom some days let alone look for a boyfriend. She also told people that “it did not cost me anything to restart my life in Canada”. Really classy on her part.

There are two cousins in my H family that still stay in touch with me. One is here in Canada and the other one in Europe. That one in Europe has gone through infidelity and she was really a great support all this time to me. We chat mostly by Facebook. This is actually the wife of my ex H cousin. She could not believe when my MIL called there and discussed our divorce with her MIL. Actually her and her husband defended me in front of her MIL and they actually called me to tell me what my MIL has been saying.

I have not said anything to H about all this. He probably does not know his mother is saying all these things. It’s not the first time. My MIL still refuses to see the evidence of her son’s affair. I am planning and thinking of sending her a folder with all the info. Not that it will do something to my marriage but at least I know I have spoken the truth and they can believe then what they want.

*Friends*:

This must be the toughest part of my divorce. It seems like when I lost my family and my now ex H I also lost a lot of friends. Some of them were mutual friends some of them were my own friends. It seems like people run away from divorced ones as if we have leprosy. Some were supportive at the beginning but then you don’t hear any more from them. Few of my own friends have been supportive but that’s where it ends. Some other divorced parents in my Meetup group also shared the same feelings about friends when going through divorce.

*My Ex-H*

Well he is nice to me I have to say. He has not picked up an argument, he has not yelled or tried to manipulate any way financially. Heck he even gives me the alimony and child support checks early. However, when we are on Skype he only asks how son is doing. I don’t ask any questions either. All these months he has not asked even once how my job search is going, after knowing what he has put me through. Few weeks ago he asked: Do you two(son and I ) need anything from the US? My reply was: Son does not need anything. When he came he actually brought me some allergy medication that he knows I cannot get here in Canada. He does bring diapers and some special foods for son from the US and he has said if I need something that is cheaper in the US to let him know so he will get it. So for all these things he never asks for any money nor he subtracts that from the child support/alimony payments. I don’t know if he is trying to relieve his guilt through all this or what?

On the other hand, I don’t call, I don’t email unless I need to tell him something about our son. I don’t send him pictures of son either. He does not ask I don’t offer. I still have him and his family on my FB account but I have adjusted my settings so they cannot see photos of son or me or read my wall. So basically like they are unfriended . Nobody from his family nor the 42 mutual friends we had has taken me off their list. 

He has tried to change the time when we Skype few times because of his travel schedule. I don’t particularly go out of my way to accommodate that every time. My schedule is just as important. He tries to talk to our 2 year old 3x a week by Skype and he tries to come twice a month for a weekend. He will now have son in the US during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

On the emotional side the rollercoaster is still there. There are days when I really miss him but then there are days I really hate him. I want that resentment to go away but it is so difficult. I may look into counseling once I get my medical benefits at work. I still feel very much hurt to the core and I think I may never be able to forgive him for all this. This man was the love of my life and I would have taken a bullet for him if I had to. And to be repaid this way…… The weekends are especially tough, the tears are still here, the memories still hurt(even the good ones). I try to distract myself but nothing seems to take my mind off. 

Many people, including some that have also worked with him in the past tell me he did deserve me. I don’t know what to think. I don’t go around telling people details of our divorce but I run into many whether in person or on the internet who ask me about him. These people have no clue what has happened. When I tell them we are divorced they are absolutely shocked, and most ask why. Then I tell them he had an affair and that he chose to end the marriage. That’s as far as I go. What other people go and say about him later on, I have no control over that nor I can do anything about it. Many say that he has not tried to contact them for months. 

I will be adding more to my thread as things develop.


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## Feelingalone

Welcome notreadytoquit. I'm sorry the reltionship with your in-laws is strained. I don't contact my former MIL very much, although I send an e-mail from time to time. I do send pics of my son thought -- I shared recent b-day party pics, his last soccer game, things of that nature. I know she appreciates them. I also send to my ex w. I do this because I feel it is the right thing to do -- I expect nothing in return. 

I was pretty close with my MIL. She always treated me with open arms. I miss her in that way, which is why I send pics. Because I know she appreciates it, he is after all her only blood grandchild. She has step-grandchildren. To her he is truly special, for my ex was unlikely to get pregnant let alone carry to term. So in a real way he is my, my ex's and my ex MIL's little miracle.

I hope for you in the future they will realize the loss they themselves are creating.


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## notreadytoquit

I would not have problem sending anyone any pictures, in fact I occasionally send photos of him to other friends, relatives who are not on FB including my ex H cousin here in Canada and they are gratful for it.

But this woman did not like me from the beginning even though during our marriage I always encouraged husband to call her back when she would leave a message. When she was coming to visit us for the first time in the US 3 years ago my ex H wanted her to stay there 3 days only. Only after me insisting she stayed for an entire week. She knows this and yet she chooses to badmouth me and spread lies about me. I also feel that is not my responsibility to make sure she has a relationship with her grandson. If she or my BIL do not want to put the effort, there is not much I can do. They both know that nether I nor my child chose to be in this situation.

I don't know maybe some people would think I am wrong by not sending photos to ex H or to my MIL but after everything son and I have been put through, I just feel it is not my job to ensure these two have contact with son. Maybe someone on the forum can pitch in their experiences. I just feel really,really hurt right now and I try to minimize my contact with ex H or his mom as much as possible in order to be able to move on.

Before even the divorce was final he was also texting/emailing photos of our son to the OW which I found to be absolutely disgusting.

Also people on this forum have been amazing and extremely supportive in this difficult time for which I am very grateful.


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## notreadytoquit

tomorrow will be tough day for me. Ex H is coming to pick up son and take him to the US to spend a week over there. At least he will take him around doctors that he usually sees because of his food allergies(here in Canada I can't even get him a pediatrician). But it will be tough on me this week knowing that son will be probably around the OW. I swear any other woman would have been fine with me but not that wh*** Hopefully I survive this week.

Next week I start my new job at my old place of employment. Hopefully that should bring some variety in my empty life right now.


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## Feelingalone

It is tough knowing that NRTQ. I know all too well. All you can do is hope for the best. It happens to me all the time. At least you do have the new job to keep your mind busy.


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## notreadytoquit

Thanks FA, in this whole ordeal I feel that the only people that understand me are the ones who have walked in my shoes.

I cant wait for better days to come and I really hope that is soon. I know it all depends on me but I can't rush life, life that right now feels like some deep empty abyss.


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## Feelingalone

I agree. People understand the conceepts that haven't been through it, but not the full emotional responses. It is hard unless you've walked in our shoes.

Just one day at a time.


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## sisters359

Ah, you are someone I would like to know IRL! You have done a lot of good things for yourself and your son, and although it is too bad his father made such poor choices, you are letting them have a relationship without making it difficult or ugly. Your son will one day see enough of this world to understand what a gift you have given him in the midst of all your troubles and pain. I hope you'll "lean on" us when you need it, and I look forward to hearing how things unfold for you, b/c although it still won't be easy (is life every really just "easy?") I suspect you will find real happiness in many ways. God bless.


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## notreadytoquit

Today my ex is driving our 2 year old to CT from Toronto. I just called to see how he was doing on the road. He already had to stop twice to change him and feed him. I just can't believe he is subjecting a 2 year old child to an 8 hr long car ride. I told him it would be better for son if they made an overnight stop somewhere but he probably won't listen to me. He could have chosen to fly son which only takes 1 hr and ex H has enough airline points. He also plans to do this at Xmas time. I hope son does not get sick in this weather.

I am trying to concentrate today to study for an exam that I need to take for work but my mind is not on the books. This is so hard. I wish I could close my eyes these two next months and wake up in January.


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## notreadytoquit

Today I skype with son who is staying with Dad in CT. It was really nice to see my baby but I could barely keep my composure and my tears. H took him to the pediatrician we had over there and she said he was doing excellent. I tried to see if I could see him on skype on Thursday(US thanksgiving) but ex H said they would be out and about(yeah right when everything is closed). I have a pretty good idea where they are going to be and it absolutely breaks my heart to know that wh*** will be around my son. 

I was also weird seeing my former home on skype(it was a rental but still home to us). 

I no longer check ex H cell phone account but for some reason I did this morning. Right there a 26 min phone call to the OW on Sat when ex H was at MILs. He does not call her that much from that phone anymore because he has that secret blackberry that is probably used for her only.

I don't know how I am going to suvive this week, I really don't. It's just so hard. How could have given all my life to that monster.


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## notreadytoquit

what a tough day today! I really miss my child.


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## Feelingalone

Hang in there notreadytoquit. You will survive.


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## notreadytoquit

just found out that my child basically spent two days at the house of the OW. Disgusting. Husband was late getting this morning on Skype so I called his cell. Phone was ringing but he would not pick up,no answer to my text either. I called the house phone no answer there either. Es texts me back finally saying son was still sleeping so he was just waking up now and that the house phones were on silent(yeah right). I just text him back: Whatever! As your mother would say the lies have short legs.

When we finally got on skype husband was really nice and really chatty! Go figure.

The reason how I know where my son spent the night is that the OW ex H text me. His neighbour told him that my ex H car was there basically until earlier this morning. So when I was trying to call he was probably driving back. I don't believe that the OW ex is lying to me because he pays her alimony and one of the reasons he can stop doing that is she starts living with some else. Knowing how easy my ex is on money he could be basically paying rent somewhere else but mostly spending time in her house.


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## notreadytoquit

I went out tonight with my sister and another female friend. It was nice to catch up over dinner but my mind kept wondering out to different places. I really miss my son! I just absolutely hate that he is around that disgusting scum of a woman. 

I just thought today. There have been few people in my life that I did not get along but I don't think I have truly hated anyone the way I hate my ex H now.

Positive thoughts where are you? I have always been an upbeat positive, self confident person but that all seems like a distant memory.


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## notreadytoquit

My baby is coming today from the US. Can't wait until I hug my little one at the airport. This has been such a difficult week for me and I am sure there are many more to come.


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## notreadytoquit

Today was a very emotional day for me. EX H flew with son today back to Canada. I met them at the airport. I was waiting in the arrivals area because ex H just turned around and flew back to CT. 

When the doors opened at the arrivals area H was pushing son in one of those gadgets that carry the car seat around airports. I ran to son unbuckled him and gave him the biggest hug ever. I was also crying, I could not help it. Son who is not even 2 hugged me back tried to give me a kiss. He usually wiggles a lot but this time he stayed in my arms.

As for H I barely acknoledged him. As I was having a tender moment with son he was trying to tell me what son ate and did during the flight. He came up to the departure area of the airport. My sister was waiting outside in my car. I thanked him for the running shoes he bought for son, he gave me the passports, sons bag, gave son a kiss and went back to catch his return flight that was 2 hrs later.

I find it every time I see Ex H I am really upset afterwards, even if he does not say anything. So trying to detach from him, I avoid as much as possible to be in his vicinity or even to email him( I rarely call him unless something is wrong with Internet).

I am curious as to how he perceives all this. I am almost never like that to begin with but what he has done to me has changed me to the core on how I behave around him. Sometimes I feel bad for acting that way, like a cold hearted b**** but that is the only way I find I can protect myself from being damaged even further emotionally.

When I came home I put child to take a nap and then went to do his laundry. Then I noticed the other stuff he bought for son. I had asked him to buy him a nice winter vest. There is more choice for kids in the US and prices are pretty good. So he did buy everything I suggested. In that regard he does pretty well. Whatever I ask for son he buys it brings it to Canada. He never takes money for any of that. So I always make the point of thanking him politely(business like email) for that. I did that today as well. He sometimes replies sometimes he does not.

I never ask him to bring anything for me even though I sometimes need something.

God I wish he was this good of a husband. Still to this day he has not said a word about his affair, or give me any real answers as to why things happened. Nothing! Most people think that he has too big of an ego to apologize or even bring the conversation.

It's unreal how much this all hurts.


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## notreadytoquit

So this morning we are having our regular skype session with ex H and son. At the end of the session I said we will have to skype Wednesday afternoon instead of morning because I will be at work. He does not know that I have found work. So he says: Oh you found work? I said: yes it's a company in XYZ town. He mumbled something else but I did not clearly understand as son started to scream that his cartoon was over.

He says that afternoons are not always good for him. This is from a man who works from home btw. I said I have no choice, I will work sliding shift hours and I cannot wake up son in the morning too early either. Actually my mother will come to stay with son on the days when I start work at 8am. So we left it at that. Few minutes later I see that he has been looking on my Linkedin profile to see where I may be working. I have not updated the profile yet.

An hour later I get a phone call from ex MIL. I let it go in voicemail as I was busy. She lives a message saying she wanted to stop by tomorrow to drop off son's bday and Xmas present. I guess someone is driving her across town because she does not like driving on the highway. So I call her back and I say: Fine you can come tomorrow, do you want to come upstairs and stay for a little bit? She says no because her friend will be waiting for her in the car. I say Ok. At least I invited her.

20 min later she calls back saying: Oh my friend just said it was going to rain tomorrow really hard so she does not want to drive. Can we come on Thursday? I said fine but you will have to drop off the gift at my parents place as I will be at work so I give her my moms address. She also says: Oh I did not know you are working. I did not say anything on that and just said ok leave the gift with my mom.

So I will just leave a Christmas card for her for my mom to give it to her.

We'll see how things turn out. She saw grandson and my x last week on the weekend. She could have easily given that to him. So I don't know what this is all about. She has not called since beginning of October to even ask how we are doing.


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## Feelingalone

notreadytoquit,

I understand how you feel in protecting yourself emotionally by being the "[email protected]#$%". At times I'm sure I am the ass*%$# in my ex's eyes. Although at this point I don't care how she perceives me.

See for me that was a breakthrough -- not caring about her feelings. I was always so wrapped up into pleasing her that I lost myself. Maybe you are just that way as well and are just getting to that point. 

But I do sense a lot of anger at your in-laws. And in a way you are allowing them to control your emotional well being. Just don't give a rat about their feelings. It is their loss if they don't check in with their grandson/nephew. 

For me I send pics and occasional e-mails to my ex MIL. She was always good to me, so I will make sure she sees things that my son does with me as well as what he does with my ex. Now my ex doesn't do that with my parents -- but they do live in this area so maybe since they see him a lot naturally she assumes they know what he is up to. 

Just hang in there and do what you feel is right. Cos there is no right or wrong in these situations. And you just can't please everyone all the time. 

Stay strong.


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## notreadytoquit

Thanks FA,
I know you are 100% right but it is so hard to get detached from someone you loved and cared for that long. Some days I hold on to a glimmer of hope that maybe one day our family will be together again(I do know that's huge work) some days I say to myself: Do I really want him back? Do I really want to be looking over my shoulder every single day.

This is just so tough.


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## Feelingalone

I knkow notreadytoquite, I have the same thoughts and feelings at times. And it is tough. but you aren't alone in your struggles.


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## notreadytoquit

So I survived my first week at work. It was nice to see my old colleagues again. They were all shocked by what has happened to me. They all knew my ex H very well. He used to book travel through me and the agency before. 

There are still few things to learn as far as procedures but I don't think it will be difficult. The job helps get my mind off the pain but at moments it still wonders out there. Being a travel agent and my ex H is a big part of my past. That's how we met. I took care of his travel needs for years.

My ex MIL came to my parents(because I was at work) on Thursday to drop off a present for son's bday and for Xmas. She would not even come up to my parents condo she met my mom and my son in the lobby of the building. My mom says that she looked scared. MIL came together with another friend because she is afraid to drive on the hwy from the other side of the city. 

My mom reiterated to her that she is more than welcomed to come to my place anytime she wants to see grandson. My mom also said to her that son should be spending Christmas around grandma not some other **** in her son's life right now. My mom also told her that son spent 2 days at Thanksgiving with the OW and her other two kids. Of course my gullible MIL did not believe. Even her friend that came with her said that she is so naive(she made this comment to my mom when MIL went to the bathroom).

Anyways, I sent a thank you card yesterday to her for the gifts and I left a voice mail today. I also invited her to come to sons bday party next Sunday. I also emailed ex H that I will be making a bday party too. I think he mentioned to me earlier that he will be out of town that weekend. I have a feeling he will accompany the OW when she goes to pick up her son from a university in VA for the holidays.

But at least I did invite both of them so tomorrow they can't accuse me of not letting them being involved in son's life. If they show up, they show up, if they don't life goes on.


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## notreadytoquit

So ex MIL calls back yesterday afternoon. I was busy with son so I let it go in voicemail. She said that she would gladly come to the bday party but asked me if I could pick her up from the local metro station. I called her back and I said I will do that as the station is not even 10 min from where I live. She was really grateful that I invited her. This will be the first time she will face my parents and my sister after the affair and after our divorce.

As for ex h he still has not responded to my email from yesterday, and he is usually good at responding on vm or emails since he has his blackberry(ies) attached to his hands. Of course he is probably with the OW. It is interesting, even though we now live 500 miles apart I could almost tell everytime he is with her. He just does not answer the phone or replies to emails even though they only pertain to our son.

We are off to a bday party this afternoon for one of son's friends so it should be good time and probably very loud.


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## notreadytoquit

Well our son's bday party was yesterday. My ex MIL showed up. I picked her up and dropped her off from the local train station. This was the first time she faced my parents and my sister since the affair was exposed and since our divorce. There were other friends at the bday party. She acted normally tried to spend more time with son and I did not mind. She does not see him that often now either. My parents acted civil towards her(but were not too thrilled she was there).

My Ex H of course did not show up. He mentioned something last week that he was going out of town(he lives in CT and I am in Ontario,Canada). For a man that makes 150k, has close to 280,000 airline miles, it's pretty difficult to excuse him not being present at his son's 2nd bday. Heck if that was me I would have flown just for few hours. But anyways, I did not allow for those thoughts to occupy my mind and destroy the good mood. I just hope he has a good excuse for son maybe 15 years later.

This morning he was skyping with son and I was busy getting ready since son did not want to wake up this am. So I was not near the computer to even talk to him.

It is sooo hard to believe that someone can turn so cruel towards his family, so uncaring. I so need a closure but I don't think I will get it.


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## notreadytoquit

So after son's bday party(his actual bday was 4 days later), my ex H shipped his bday gift from the US. Well when the courrier arrived I had to pay 45 dollars worth of duty. My ding dong ex did not realize that when you ship something from a shopping website the recipient has to pay duty. The gift was a $135 dollar toy truck.

Now for a 2 year old I think that's little bit excessive. He can't tell the difference between a $20 or $135 truck. I guess that's how he plans to buy his son's love.

He picked up son the following weekend. EX H spent the weekend at his mom's here in Canada and then flew with son to the US.

Today Dec 24 I get an email from a friend of my ex MIL wishing me merry Xmas and along the way she sends me photos of son's bday party at my ex MIL's house. I guess she had a party there when my ex H came. God forbid that she told me about it or at least extend the same courtesy to me as the mother or to my parents as the grandparents to come to the party. I just don't understand why they have to be so secretive about things now that we are divorced.


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## PBear

Two suggestions for the duty thing... I don't know how it was shipped, but USPS is much better than most of the courier companies. Or have him ship it to your ex-MIL, and pick it up from there. 

My apologies if you knew that already, and it's just your ex who hasn't clued in. 

C


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## notreadytoquit

I have not posted much lately. Christmas was hell for me not having my son there. On top of that on Xmas day my ex SIL calls leaves me a message: I hope you are having wonderful Xmas with your family". She or her husband have not called once since Apr 2010 to even ask how son and I are doing. Dec 16 was son's bday they did not call. Apparently when they were in Canada during the US Thanksgiving they left a bday/xmas present for son. Neither my ex nor my ex MIL had told me there was a gift from them. Kinda hard to thank someone if you don't know they have given you a gift.

So I emailed her back telling her I had no idea there was a gift but I said thanks anyways. I am sure a 2 year old would love it. And then I told her that Xmas was difficult not having my son there and that she can try to picture what that feels like if she took a look at her two kids and imagined for a moment that they can never open up gifts together with MOM and DAD on Xmas morning. I also reminded her that out of all people she should know what that feels like(her mom was divorced and dad was not in her life until she was 16).

My ex did not even bother to spend Xmas with his brother in Upstate NY. Instead he drove there with son on Dec 27. On the way back to Canada he dropped off son while I was still at work. I guess my mom made a little scene started crying when she saw son. Later he called me to tell me this and then he brought up the email I had sent to SIL. Why I had to bring up the fact that she was child of divorced parents? He never brought up the fact about the bday gift or anything else. 

Anyways I just deleted her/her husband from my FB. Fast forward this morning. We are supposed to have our scheduled call on Skype at 730am. I actually had to wake up my son to get him ready. So we wait and wait. I called his cell and it goes to voicemail so I left a message asking if he forgot about the call. Just last Friday he said talk to you on Monday morning. Later this morning he texts me that he was on a flight and if we could change skype time to this evening? I just texted back: Thanks for letting me know you were on a flight.

Something made me check his cell phone too. And guess what? He had time to text the OW this am but no time to call or text me to say that he could not skype this morning. What a winner!

I try to concentrate more on my work and think about him less. But it is tough I must admit. I still obsess about checking his FB and his cell phone and I want to stop that. I guess I am still holding onto hope that we can be together one day, I still think about him occasionally despite eveyrthing he has done. But even if he came to appologize today for everything he has done I don't really know I can take him back. Uff, I wish this was easier. I guess one of the reasons I find this difficult is that we never had a shot as a family. My son was not even a year old when this affair started. I really don't have any good memories to hold on to.


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## notreadytoquit

I finally took him off my facebook. I know some people would say I should have done that long time ago but somehow I got the strenght to do it now. Now he can befriend his w*** if he wants to. Yet I still find it I have that sinking feeling in my heart. I don't know sometimes I think I am stupid, sometimes I think I am just too nice of a person who genuinely loved someone with her whole heart!


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## HM3

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I can understand - I'm in the divorce process myself. My husband was abusive, so a different story to yours, but the sentiments are the same - I can't believe he would do those things to the person he loves. 

I've read your post - all the emotional ups and downs. I don't know what I can say to make things better. But you should let yourself go through all the feelings you need to.

It's good you took him off your FB. My husband took me off almost as soon as we separated, and then sent me a friend's request after a few days, but I ignored it. It's tough - you still want to know see their page, but it's definitely for the best in the long run I think.

Take care of yourself and your little one. x


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## notreadytoquit

Thanks HM3,

I wish you all the best to you. This divorce thing really, really sucks. I would give anything to have my family back together but then on the other hand I am not sure if I could take him back. I don't know what earth shattering event has to happen for me to be able to do that.


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## Feelingalone

Notreadytoquit,

Sorry the holidays sucked for you. It is hard in these situations and circumstances. I've learned to lower my expectations of the ex, etc. I expect nothing. It makes it easier. 

Enforce your boundaries, don't expect anything in return and basically cut them out of your thoughts. Doesn't work all the time, but gets better every day. Focus on what you have, your child. No matter what the past has brought you with the ex, you do have an amazing child -- and that is even worth this agony. I know, as you know, I'm there too.

Just enjoy what you can. Remember, you've been throught the worst and you survived. One foot in front of the other every day. You are strong, you can do this.


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## notreadytoquit

Thanks FA, you always find the right words of encouragement . I try to leave day by day but some days it is unbearable.


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## Feelingalone

NRTQ,

Those unbearable days are the ones I just keep reminding myself that out of all of this, I got my boy. Who when he sees me now always runs up to me and jumps and gives me a hug. Who wants to sit on my lap when we watch a movie together (his selection of course). 

I know you are still hanging onto a lot of anger and resentment, it comes through in your posts, but it will pass -- if you let it. At times I still get angry with her, with myself for allowing this to happen, but it is what it is.

I find that if I write in my journal it helps. And if it is a situation that inolves my son I usually write him a letter. A letter that I will give him one day so he understands what was really going on and how I dealt with it and why.

How is the job going?


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## notreadytoquit

The job is going good. It does take my mind away from my ex and all the drama. But at times it could be a trigger. I was my H travel agent for many years(that's how we met). But it is better than sitting at home. It's just so hard coming home to an empty house(not being able to talk to another adult).

I guess what triggers a lot of my anger and resentment is seeing him that he does not give a damn what he has done, he is so at peace(at least when I see him). I sometimes just feel like he used me just to have a child but then I remember those cruel words he said to me last Feb(before I found out about his affair) that he was "not going to leave me pregnant".

So I don't know my mind is all over the place sometimes. It helps when I write here. I know not too many people respond, but I am grateful you find the time to encourage me. 

Why can't life be much simpler? All I wanted was to have a healthy happy family, a husband who was going to be my best friend, someome who will respect me, love me unconditionally, someone who will come to me if something truly bothered him. I never claimed to be perfect, nobody is but I do know that I loved this man probably more than he deserved.


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## Feelingalone

Believe me NRTQ, I get the same feelings. The how could I be replaced so easily, and the thought has crossed my mind about my ex w using me to have a child. You see she has a low probability of being to conceive - based on some earlier health issues. And bam it happened while we were still just dating. Although I knew before that I wanted to marry her, I hadn't asked. 

And yes it does get to me that she is engaged (even before the divorce).

But I realize it is her escape mechanism. She can't be alone, but wants to be independent at the same time. A dichotomy that creates tension within herself and I believe over time destroys any relationship she enters into. 

Maybe your ex is the same way.

And that is all I wanted too. I know I wasn't what I needed to be, but I've learned and grown. too bad for her she isn't the recipient of that growth. But then if I was the person then that I'm becoming now -- probably wouldn't be with her anyway.

But like I said I got my son. I'm rebuilding my life.


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## Freak On a Leash

Wow, sad situation. I know it's tough for you dealing with your husband's affair and the OW being in his and your son's life. You are dealing with this well, all things considering. But I think you are adding untold amounts of stress to your life by being so concerned with your ex-in laws. Why care if they call you? Consider it a blessing! Maybe they are embarrassed by what your husband did and are uncomfortable dealing with you. Maybe they don't care. Just let them be! Why obsess of them? 

As for your ex MIL. Why are you going to so much trouble to try and accomodate her? Why bother with her at all? Why invite her to your house to stay or offer to do ANYTHING for her? Especially since she is spreading rumors about you and never liked you? I don't get why you are dealing with her at all. Just toss the ball in your inlaw's court and let it be. Just let your husband deal with his mother and family. You have enough on your plate. I'd cut off all contact with the in laws and just concentrate on yourself and your son. 

Don't worry about trying to make things easy for people who don't give a damn about you. Time to start looking out for Number 1. Seems like everyone around you is! 

Good luck. You need to start building a life and getting more involved in hobbies and activities that don't include your family. Live WITH your son, but not for him!


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## notreadytoquit

I am starting to rebuild my life and starting to think about myself too. Yesterday and today I did some shopping for ME. Something I have not done in a while. Friday night I went out with my new friends from the single parents group I joined this summer. We had fun as always. This week son will be spending time with my ex MIL so I plan to do few things for me,I and myself as they say.


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## Freak On a Leash

Sounds like you are healing nicely. I congratulate you on your progress. 
:smthumbup:


You are a nicer person than me. If my ex MIL pulled that kind of crap with me I would've cut her off to my kids. Spreading rumors is a big No-no in my book. Plus, I have little tolerance for people I don't like and it doesn't sound like she's been very nice to you in general. 

Heck, I don't even let my own mother see my kids. Long story.


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## Myway

Hi single mum, i feel lt feels like i am ready my own story. Be strong and work on yourself to be strong for your son.

If you can go to meditation classes to cool off and calm down. It helps alot. I pray that you get over it very soon.


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## notreadytoquit

Today was a tough day for me. I found out that ex has been talking to another mutual friend that is also going through divorce himself. My ex said the following thing to him:

"I received my divorce on September 21, 2010....As difficult as it was, it was the right decision.....I lost a lot financially, but what I gained knowing myself better and knowing what I want and especially what I don"t want in life.....I have been very fotunate in being able to see son frequently and spend almost two weeks with him during the Christmas holidays. We visited my Mom, my brother and his faily and also spent time together just as father and son. I just retured this past Sunday from spending teh weekend with him at my Mom's place in Canada."

He conveniently forgot to mention his affair, his deceptions. He did not even spend Xmas with his mom and brother. He was in HER house on Dec 25 with our son. He did not go to his brother's place until the 27 even though his mother was also there.

I mean when I hear things like this, it makes me feel like I was some kind of a monster in this marriage. Why does he have to be so cruel? To me this reinforces the fact that everything was carefully planned with intention to hurt me in some way, something a Walkaway spouse would do.

God I feel like kicking him between the legs right now. I know a lot of you will say: stop thinking of him, start thinking of yourself first, but it is so hard to get off this vicious cycle.


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## HM3

Hey,

I hope you're feeling better today.

They leave out the important bits because they know they are wrong. If they actually told the truth people would see them for what they really are. I don't know what you could to make yourself better about the whole situation, but feel better about yourself because you know the truth. 

Maybe the mutual friend knows what really happened? It is a possiblity.

Take care. x


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## notreadytoquit

No this friend of ours who used to work with my ex H lives in Europe and he does not know the details. I know that he will not say he had an affair but what hurts me more that all this was such a deliberate, precalculated move to hurt me. The thing is this man has never sat down to say: Hey this or that is bothering me, it's affecting our marriage. Of course I would pay attention to something like that. He was a man who worked from 8a-7pm heck even if I wanted to get in a fight there was no opportunity for that. Besides his behaviour, things he has said in the last 3 years especially, plans he has made for our family would never even give someone a clue that something was wrong.

I do realize that people change and decide to move on but the total humiliation and disrespect I got after I discovered his affair was probably worse than the affair itself. He never, ever sat down after the discovery of the affair to say he this is why I did it, this is how I feel, this was missing, that I did not like. We did not have one single conversation.

Sorry for the rambling early in the morning. I just have no one to talk to right now. At this point in my life I really don't know what I want for myself. The only thing I know is that I want my family together but that likely is not going to happen. My family was always number 1 even before my own needs.


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## HM3

If you have questions, why don't you put them to your ex? You can still ask them, whether he can/will answer them is another issue altogether. If you feel it will help you move forward, then do it, like I said you might not get the answers or the answers you want.

I am like you, and can understand that your marriage and family meant everything. We do everything we can, but it's never enough. All I can say is try and enjoy your freedom.

Take care and here's hoping today will be a better day. x


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## notreadytoquit

Oh he knows I have questions, he does not even want to stand up to his own defence every time I bring up a fact about his affair(for which I have lots of facts).


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## Freak On a Leash

Seems like you are going through the motions of ending the marriage physically but you aren't there emotionally/mentally. You are still concerned about what he's saying and how he's presenting things. He had a affair and probably doesn't want to own up to it. It's not something to be proud of, so he doesn't admit it. Either he's in denial or he doesn't want to look bad. Don't look at it as something against you. He might just be feeling guilty or wanting to present a good image to others by saying "It's not me, it's her". Try not to take it personally. 

You are way to caught up in his life, what he says, what he's doing as well as what's going on with his family. You gotta divorce this guy in your head, not just on paper. That's when your real healing will begin. 

I feel for you because you are in a lot of pain. I hope you are going to counseling and if you aren't I'd highly recommend it.


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## notreadytoquit

Well it is hard to get divorced emotionally if you have been left they way I(and many more) was. The emotional divorce can sometimes be 100x harder than the actual legal divorce.

On the other hand I am trying to do some things for myself. I am still investigating about possible career change and going back to school but I need to be 100% sure that this is for me. My health issues have also been plaguing me lately. During my pregnancy I developed problems with my sciatic nerve and now I pretty much leave in constant pain. I am actually looking with a friend to join an aquafit class since nothing else has helped me by now(physio, massages etc).

The days are still up and down depending on the day I guess. It's just hurts so much....

Thanks for listening all


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## Freak On a Leash

The sciatic nerve. I had that with my son and it's MURDER. For quite a few years I had to deal with that. Sometimes I couldn't even get up if I twisted the wrong way and it would come back from time to time for years  I thought about surgery because it got so bad. However in recent years I've done some exercises (planks are AWESOME for strengthening the lower back) and haven't been bothered at all (and I'm 10 years older!). I literally have felt your pain though..


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## notreadytoquit

I have been questioning lately whether I am really a needy person or have I become like one over the years spent with him. When we were dating he was travelling a lot for his work. I missed him when he was not home but I understood the type of work he did. Heck I was his travel agent too. He always made sure he would call me at night to talk no matter where in the world he was. I was not harassing him during his trips unless I really needed some info from him. After we got married but before we moved to CT he was the same thing. I usually tried to see my own friends when he would travel so when he was home I could spend more time with him. 

One time while we were dating I wanted to go on vacation with my sister and another friend who were single at the time. He had a problem with it. I did not end up going. While we were dating I can only remember one time he went out with his friends. Most of the time we would go out together with either my or his friends.

Then we moved to CT. His travel schedule reduced drastically. I was not allowed to work because I was under his work visa and I was not able to get my own. Sure I missed working. I have never been unemployed in my life and I had just spent 2 years building a real estate business that I basically abandoned for him to have a career in the US. Then I became a mother. He would leave for work at 8am come home at 6pm. He played tennis at night few times a week too. I missed him but I knew that physical excersize was good for him because he was trying to lose weight(he has type 2 diabetes). I had a hard time making friends when I moved to CT and honestly trying to socialize with a newborn is not an easy task. I really started meeting more people when son turned 1 and when all hell broke lose with his affair.

Since the divorce I have not bothered him with useless phone calls or emails unless I need to because of our son. Occasionally I would throw a jab about something he did/said after D day of the affair but nothing else at all. I don't even see him that often maybe twice a month when he picks up/drops off son.

Now can someone tell me are these the characteristics of a needy person? Where do you draw the line between missing someone and being needy? He did accuse me after the affair came to light that I did not try to make my own friends. Interestingly enough his only friends in CT are either from work or from playing tennis which of course I could not do when I was pregnant or right after I had the baby. I would really like someone to answer these questions for me.


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## gfgigi

Hi NRTQ,
This is the first time I am ever replying on this message board. I have always read people's posts. Anyway, just feel like i need to respond to you because you sound a lot like me. A good person who has pretty much been walked and stepped on!!! Reading your post, I just wanted to start crying! My MIL does not call me ever to see how her two Beautiful grandchildren are doing, and I refuse to call her. As far as I am concerned the apple does not fall far from the tree. She is an enabler to the way my husband is and how he is turning out to be. Long story short, I am not divorced, I guess you can say we are emotionally seperated. It is so hard to deal with, I feel like I have NO ONE TO TALK Too, I feel like my mind has gone to Moosh, I do everything, and I mean everything and I don't have time for myself. The time I have for myself is when I am too tired and falling asleep, and go to bed!. Anyway, it seems like he built this life for you and then he swept your feet from under the rug. He only cares about himself and not how you feel. He sounds a lot like my husband too, has some issues about himself, and is in denial to get some help. (Doesn't want to talk about the affair!) I hope your okay for now, and I will keep reading your posts. I have to say, today is a little hard for me, I am not a big fan of "Valentine's Day"! TTYS
gfgigi


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## nice777guy

I don't think you sound very needy at all. Sounds like you miss being with someone - I think that's totally normal.


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## notreadytoquit

Thank you guys for responding. I am hoping to get more answers since I am not getting any from the devil's mouth.
I personally don't think I am a needy person. Since I came back to Canada I have reconnected with old friends, I joined a single parents group(I am one of the event organizers)so I have not relied on him or his family for any support. Yes I do miss him to certain extent but what I am probably missing no longer exists. Funny thing what gfgigi said about denial: The first thing he said to me after I busted him was: You are in denial about our marriage(meaning we have had all these problems-news to me).

Today I had to take son for some assessment regarding his delayed speech. Seems like he will have to do some speech therapy. Then we have to tackle his issue about not eating more solid foods. All this on my own while he is too busy in the US f*****g his w***e. Of course it will be me taking the time off from work to do all these appointments and using my vacation time. Today is Valentine's day but I did not even have time to notice it or miss it.

I am just exhausted today. Last week I took shorter lunch at work to make up for the time I had to be away. I work in a busy call centre and the stress is never ending. Believe it or not my quiet time is actually at work.


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## Feelingalone

NRTQ,

It is that natural instinct to reach out for what you are losing. At the time it might be "needy" looking or feeling, but it is just most people's instinct.

I would say you aren't naturally needy. I wasn't either, but when faced when losing what my dreams of the future where, well I did become in some way needy, until I came out of my own fog.

You will never get the answers you want, and it is a waste of energy to keep thinking of them. To this day I have never heard an admission of guilt from my ex w and I never expect to because to her I was in the wrong justifying her actions. Oh maybe one day I will, but it will a long time coming and I'm not holding my breathe.

Let go of your anger. I still can feel it in your words. It is a waste of time and you have more important things to think about -- you and your son.

You'll make it through anything.


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## gfgigi

Hi NRTQ, and everyone
just wanted to see how you are doing? and feeling?


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## notreadytoquit

I am just plugging away with work and try not to think of him as much. Thanks for asking.


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## notreadytoquit

Today was a good day at work. It was busy like hell but I got some very nice compliments from my clients for a job well done. And even though it is not the first time, I have done a good job for these clients it certainly felt better to hear that. I guess when your self esteem gets crushed any compliment is welcomed.

This evening I was supposed to go out with my Meetup group to a local pub but I cancelled that because I met with one of my mom's neighbours who works as a special education teacher. She gave me some names of speech therapists for my son and some pointers how to get the best value and where to concentrate. She personally does not think my son is autistic but does have delayed speech that needs to be worked on.

On Monday it is Family Day here in Ontario so we get a day off from work. I really look forward to spend it with my little munchkin. He just loves to cuddle in the morning and it will be good to get a day off from work. Overall, I feel good today. 

Thank you to all of you who follow my post and offer encouragment when I need it the most.


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## Feelingalone

Just keep moving forward NRTQ. You can do this and more!!!!


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## notreadytoquit

Today is Family Day here in Ontario. We are off work and I would not spend it with anyone else but my cute little baby. Maybe we'll go out later if it is not too cold. Two years ago the government decided to give us a long weekend in February so now we have this holiday.

Off to make my tiramisu as later I will have some friends come over with their son to play with my little munchkin.


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## notreadytoquit

I just got an email from my manager at work that one of our clients was very happy with our services in our call centre. I guess I was the one who booked his trip(I can't even remember the particular conversation) and that he was very likely to recommend our agency. 
I thought this was great boost for my self esteem, at least things are looking up in one aspect of my life.


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## nice777guy

Sounds like things are going pretty good! Glad to hear it!


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## Marigold

Hi NRTQ - thank you for your message and I am reading your thread.....you have done incredibly well and you should feel very proud of yourself so far and the progress you have already made....

Infidelity I think is the worst betrayal possible, it is extremely hard to come to accept. I truly believe that forgiveness is the way to heal, but forgiving someone who does not appear to be sorry is a very hard thing to do.....I don't even know where to start right now.

Your story about moving back to Canada with your son is really inspiring....amazing the way that you are forging a new life for yourself....I want to be able to do that some day.....I met my husband abroad, which is where I lived for quite some time, in my formative years.....I am wondering about going back, but I don't have any friends there now, only my H's family. I don't think I'm ready to take any big decisions quite yet anyway.

I completely understand what you say about your parents.....this attitude is familiar to me.....my parents aren't 'ashamed' of what's happened but they are pleased because they didn't really think H was 'right' for me......they are busy trying to push me into doing 'practical' things - e.g. sorting out house / car etc before I feel ready.....they are only too happy to make sure everything is 'final' as soon as poss and tidy him away out of my life for me.

they have made my H into the 'enemy' which is very painful for me because I still love him deeply. They don't seem to understand the emotional side - if I look upset my dad asks ' do you have a headache'? I just feel like screaming at the top of my voice 'NNNNNOOOOOOOOO YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!!!! - by husband has left, I love him and I'm totally devastated!!!!!!!!!!' My dad even got totally mad at me, he flipped out and shouted at me to 'get on and make decisions'.

One question I wanted to ask you is....how to you do the whole 'work on yourself' thing?....I often find that doing 'nice' things makes me feel worse afterwards because it brings home that i have to live without him, I can't phone to tell him stuff or ask his advice which hurts like hell  I'm just over 4 months into separation and not functioning very well.....


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## notreadytoquit

well that's the 1 million dollar question that I am asking myself. I moved to the US so my H can have a career and this is what I got as a thank you. Now I am back in Canada not doing what I did before and trying to rebuild my life. He is still in the US so at least I don't have to look at him all the time. 

I joined a single parents group in toronto where I met lots of people in my situation. If I did not have a child I would have packed my bags and gone somewhere in the world.

In the beginning when the affair was first brought to life my father even said to me: I will disown you if you ever take him back. They loved him like their own son and they are very disappointed with what he did and felt no remorse.

I also tried doing things I used to do before I met him but somehow I don't seem to enjoy them now. Just few weeks ago I went skiing. I used to love skiing and even though I was enjoying the sport I still felt some void. I almost never went skiing with him but still that feeling was there. I can understand when you say you come from work and you have no one to talk to. My son is only 2 years old and it is very difficult to go back to that apartment every night.

Stay strong and stay in touch. We have each other on this forum if nothing else.


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## Freak On a Leash

Marigold said:


> they have made my H into the 'enemy' which is very painful for me because I still love him deeply. They don't seem to understand the emotional side - if I look upset my dad asks ' do you have a headache'? I just feel like screaming at the top of my voice 'NNNNNOOOOOOOOO YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!!!! - by husband has left, I love him and I'm totally devastated!!!!!!!!!!' My dad even got totally mad at me, he flipped out and shouted at me to 'get on and make decisions'.


Holy crap! Do you live with your parents? If you do, any way you could move out? Sounds like they are doing more harm then good. 

If you have to live with them and can't afford to move out I'd tell them in no uncertain terms to chill out and lay off.


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## notreadytoquit

I finally did it. I finally emailed my application to start taking some of my university classes online. I just signed up for one to see how this online thing will work out.

I finally did have a weekend to myself. Son spent time with my ex MIL. I went out with the Single Parents group Friday night, had a good time, Sat a friend of mine came, Sun I met another friend for lunch. So all in all good weekend. So glad to see my baby yesterday. When he saw me he ran to me and gave me a big hug. Last night he hugged me so tight before he fell asleep.

These are the little things that help me go through the days. They maybe small and insignificant to others but they are huge to me. 

I found out that ex spoke to mutual friend who clued in we were divorced. Ex H told him: It was not working for years(again forgot the affair as a minor detail) Unbelievable, how far some people would go to justify their behaviour. Like a friend of mine said: Drowning men will go to great lenghts. It hurts like hell when I hear something like this but I have to go on, for my son. Oh well back to work to tame the animals(aka my some of my clients)


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## LVS

:smthumbup:
Good luck with your study. 
I took one course online and it was good experience for me
Whenever i find myself able to start back i will...

Glad you are doing well in your life


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## Lisa2008

wow, i read all your threads , and all i have to say is that you are a smart woman and you deserve nothing , but the best...Hang in there and stay strong...YES, more difficult times will come but you are handling them really well...

I am right now living with with the father of my daughter, but after reading your story, i would like to follow your steps and try to be brave like you, but on my end there is no infidelity , just ended up marrying someone without no love and for diffrent reason and now we have a 2 beautiful princess that is almost 3  and we are trying to stay strong for our daughter,,,
Sometimes i think is better for me to leave, but then i think about my childhood and how i missed the daddy that left us ...i don't know how long i will be able to handle the situation , but i am trying to leave in other words with a husband (That is really just a companion and we share responsabilities...

Once AGAIN, i trully admire you and i wish you the best


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## Lisa2008

Ps. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR CLASSES


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## notreadytoquit

Thanks Lisa, I wish you all the best too.

Last night I scheduled a meetup with my single parents group. We met at a local pub and coincidentally only 4 people showed(all women). So we were talking through what we have all been. I must say that I have been lucky considering what they go through with their exes right now(anything from kids manipulation to ongoing court battles and continous emotional abuse).

And all 3 gave me the advice that I have been pretty much getting on this forum and that is to start living MY LIFE and stop worrying about him, get counseling when needed etc. I already knew these things but I guess sometimes you have to hear these things several times before you actually implement them. One of them recommended a good book on healing. I need to get the exact title and see what it is about.


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## notreadytoquit

I have not posted here in couple of weeks. The book I was talking about is called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I think it is a great book. I don't have time to read it at home so I read it at work between my calls(I work in a call centre). 
I started also with my online course but that is going slow. I am so damn exhausted at night, sometimes I think my son puts me to sleep instead of the other way around.

I also had to take care of some health issues for my son these past few weeks and I am still not finished with that. Looks like he will have to get some speech therapy for his speaking and some occupational therapy for his feeding issues. In the meantime I managed to get my physical done and it looks like my thyroid issue looks ok now(at least the blood work). i also got a ultrasound done and now I have to see a specialist because my thyroid is enlarged. With our lovely "free" canadian system who knows when that is going to be. 

Emotionally the days are still rollercoasters. I am questioning a lot myself and I don't know why really. I just feel still so hurt, worthless espcially when I hear how he tells people that we have been having problems "for years" in our marriage(no mention of his affair). Family is still there helping with the child care, but I feel pretty much abandoned by most friends, some mutual some mine. I guess when I needed these people the most they are not there.

At times I miss him so much it is unreal. But then I ask myself how I would handle it if he came back, how could I trust someone like him again? He feels he is doing a fine job parenting, paying child support and seeing his child on Skype. He has been travelling a lot for work lately but if he really wanted he could have arranged his schedule to see his son. But I guess that is his choice. He could have easily chosen to come back to Canada even if we are divorced but like he told me this summer in CT: There are more job opportunities and lower taxes in the US. I guess your child comes third.

I really don't know which direction I am headed now. I just want the pain to go away. But on the other hand I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone either. I just can't picture myself dating now. Heck I don't know how some single mothers do it especially with young kids. I just feel so empty.

Sorry for the little rant here. I just need to let it out somewhere.


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## sisters359

Hey, don't apologize for feeling down. That is why this site exists: to offer support when needed. 

Remember to take one step at a time. You have a very full plate, so give yourself lots of time. 

When your ex realizes what a fool he has been in relation to his son, try not to let the bitterness kick in. Your son will benefit. But, you already know that.

As for not wanting to be alone--remember, you have already done this for a while and you will get through it. You can do it, even if you didn't choose it. If you don't recognize the strength and character that demonstrates, be sure to get counseling to help you appreciate yourself! It IS tough--but you are tough, too!


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## notreadytoquit

So last weekend ex H finally showed up in Canada to see son. My ex MIL (who turns 70 this weekend) came on a commuter train(1h20min ride in one direction) to pick up our son and then drop him off same way on sunday. EX H flew to town and could have easily swung by to pick up son by car. I am only 10 min from the airport.

On the Sat we took our son to a scheduled Speech therapist and Occupational therapist to address his speech/feeding issues. I made the appointments back to back so he can spend more time with son. We met at the ST office and I was running few min late. So I sit down and I tell him something related to our son and then he winks at me. I did not react to that but thought in myself: WTF is that all about? Anyways he was pleasant the rest of the time durign the appointments.

He is supposed to drive on Good friday and spend Easter Weekend with son as well. So last night on Skype I asked him what time he was supposed to pick up son on the Friday. He says to me: Oh no my mom will come to pick him up by train. I really don't like to put my child through public transportation ride at the age of 2 plus his mother has to come and then go back(the whole trip takes her like 3 hrs) when at the same time he will be driving through my suburb that same day. So I explained all this to him and he just flipped.

You should have seen how his face changed. That resentment and anger on his face. So to make the long story short at the end he agreed to pick up son but his mom was going to return him back. I also reminded him that according to our parenting plan he is supposed to pick up the child from our home and return him there. 

He had no problem doing the same thing in October and November when he came by car so what is the difference now? I try to minimize my child being yanked into long trips at this age and it is not fair to my ex MIL to be sitting on the train for 3 hours. He says she likes being on the train and that she offered to do that for him. Of course my ex MIL has no backbone so even her own children don't have any respect for her. 

I don't know maybe I am over exaggerating but if my own mother offered something like that I would not put her through the same hassle especially knowing he is driving through my neighbourhood.

On another note, I really got a good laugh on Saturday. My son's pediatrican in the States has a secretary who is my friend on Facebook. We keep in touch fairly often. So she tells me on Saturday that my ex stopped by the office to get a copy of our son's file. And she casually asked him: "How is your girlfriend?" Apparently he had that priceless look on his face and did not expect the question. Now this lady is one of those who acts dumb but she is not dumb. She knows what happened with our divorce so when she told me that I really got a good laugh. So his answer to her question was: We are no longer together. But of course I don't read anything into that since most stuff that comes out of his mouth is a lie, even for stupid things. He has been travelling a lot lately so who knows. Knowing how crazy his travel schedule can be, very few people in this world would be ok to have that in a relationship/marriage.

Plus that evening I went out with some of the moms from my single parents group. We had a really good time.


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## Anna11

notreadytoquit, good job. I have read all your thread and I am telling you not to be upset when you hear that your ex is telling mutual friends or other people that "it's been years that your marriage is mess" that is exactly what my ex was telling everybody. What i realize is all cheaters have something in common "they make stories to justify their actions" so you're not alone. It's almost 4 years now that my ex and I were separated and I don't give a damn! I am happier and I have my kids. Keep busy and everything will be okay. I have been there and it is not easy but you'll get over it. Good luck


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## notreadytoquit

Thanks Anna11 I really need the encouragement sometimes. I am trying to take it one day at a time just occasionally I get these triggers that bring me down.

I love that I have TAM where I can get to write occasionally about my feelings. I don't get lots of responses but that's ok sometimes you need to just let things out to feel better.


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## Mittens

NRTQ,
Great to hear the updates 
Hope you keep posting. 
You're a very, very strong woman and your son sounds absolutely amazing 

Take care! Hope you guys are getting better weather than us. 
-Mittens


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## notreadytoquit

We are having a horrible rainy, stormy day in Toronto but at least it is not snow


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## Mittens

Raining today with thunder showers! But at least it's now snow.. AGAIN this week!

Sending good weather and thoughts across the provinces


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## notreadytoquit

I have not posted in a while. Just busy with every day things. I have been taking son to speech therapy for his delayed speech. His doctor was concerned about a potential developmental disorder but the blood work came back all normal. So that was a relief. On the other hand I have been seeing my doctor for few things. Shortly after I gave birth I developed hypothyroidism(underactive thyroid) that I was not even aware off. So I had to visit few specialists. This condition makes you really tired, edgy and in some cases depressed. Having this condition and being a single mom of a active 2 year old is not an easy task. I am having a biopsy done end of june to see if the small nodule is cancerous. I am so exhausted every day that I have not been able to do any studying for my online class. 

I plan to take short vacation by myself to the Turks and Caicos islands in june when son is with my ex H. So I am looking forward to that.

As far as my ex H is concerned the only communication I have had with him was few emails exchanged about sons health issues. All down to the point, nothing else. 

Two weeks ago it was my ex MILs 70th bday. I had sent her a card the week before signed it from son and I. She called me to thank me few days ago and ask me if some of the clothes she got for my son were ok. I called her back and confirmed that everything was ok and I said thanks. 

Here is the fun part. She says to me that she really missed me not having me at her birthday. Only my ex and my BIL with his family were there and of course my son who was with ex H that weekend. I told her that I missed having the family together but unfortunately that is the consequence of a divorce that I did not initiate. She then says to me: Maybe one day we(meaning ex H and I ) can be friends again and I can attend family functions like that. My ex SIL mother also went through a similar divorce years ago. Her H cheated, she took him back, he cheated again then left and was nowhere to be seen for the next 14 years. Never paid child support, she never went after him. Now all these years later he is remarried with a new family and he and his new wife come for all family functions at her house.

So my ex MIL thinks I can be like that. I told her that will never happen considering how much disrespect has been shown to me and I told her there are a lot more things she does not know about her son's infidelity. Up to this day she still refuses to see even one shred of evidence and her son has not even said one measly I am sorry.

She then proceeds to ask me to "please do not take away her grandson from her" almost in tears when she was saying that. I had no intentions of doing anything like that so that was little bit strange. I have told her in the past that she can come and see him anytime she wants.

Oh and she also told me that she said to her sons that she did not want any big parties in honor of her 70th bday. She did not even invite her closest friends and some of these friends are like family to her because both of her sons are living in the US and she has no other family in this city.

I am debating what to do with all the evidence of H affair that I have. She has not seen any of that. My BIL has seen some of it(like obvious emails). In a way I think it will be very liberating for me to give her all that stuff(or at least a copy of it) but then I don't know really know. Some days I feel like if something happened to ex H I would not even bother with the rest of his family. Some of them(like few cousins and his uncle) still call occasionally(usually around holidays) to ask how we are doing. We are now divorced but she still naivly believes her son did not have an affair.

I try to live my life and not think about any of them but she does occasionally calls so that's when all these feelings get triggered.


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## notreadytoquit

There is one thing that I don't understand from my ex husband. Lately I have had to communicate with him on some medical issues regarding our son. So every time I have tried to call he never ever answers the phone. I tried to get him to sit down with me and go over some questionaire we have to fill out for our son. He could not find 5 min to stay when he dropped off/picked up son but he would rather do it over the phone. 

I don't call or email him about anything else other than our son and even that is very rare unless it is something related to ongoing health issues.

Someone recently pointed out that he may be embarassed by what he did to me and tries to avoid me now. But what I don't understand is even though he cheated, he got what he wanted: A divorce that he initiated, he uprooted our lives big time and now he has no time to sit down and discuss son's issues.

I don't know maybe I am over analyzing a lot(I do have that tendency because I always look for logic) but this is your child. I don't know someone here enlighten me please.


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## Affaircare

Who can say what's in the mind of your ex? Clearly the way that he thinks and the way that I think are 100% polar opposites! Then again, that's just me. 

I can tell you one thing that really helped me when my exH and I divorced. From that point forward, I really, honestly let him go and envisioned him like a stockboy at the grocery store. What I mean is that I have no emotional connection to the stockboy, I don't have expectations of him, he's just a human being who happens to work at the store. Period. I don't care if the stockboy is honest with me or if his family sends me cards or wants to see my kids...nothing. I literally acted a little as if he had died and if he wanted to be involved, he would contact me or the kids. Now my kids were in elementary school, but still he could have made an arrangement to call them regularly at a certain time of day, or picked them up from their school or gone to their games...but instead he chose not to. In my mind, that is not a good father, but I wasn't married to him anymore so I had no say! So I acted as if I expected him to not be there, and as if he were dead and all I had to depend on was me. 

Notready--many times in your message it sounds to me as if you are holding on to your exH and his relatives as if you have expectations of them. They are not part of your life anymore. Please take some time to figure out how to let them go, and then release them. If they make a mess now--it is their own issue and you are not involved anymore. You're free.


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## colour-me-confused

My ex went through a period of ignoring my calls a while back ... turned out the reason was simple. He didn't want to talk to me in front of his girlfriend. 

Affaircare, I just loved what you wrote. I never thought of things that way but I did things quite similarly. I mourned him like he had died and I let go. I'm pleasant enough, just like I would be to a store clerk! I cannot control what my ex does and does not do. He is not the best Dad. There are times he simply does not show up when he is supposed to. Like you, i put no faith in what he says and, until he's at the door, our son doesn't even know he's coming. I cannot force him to be a better father .. but I can control what kind of Mom I am .. and thats a damn good one I might add


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## notreadytoquit

I guess I have to lower my expectations and learn the art of letting go(sigh)


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## notreadytoquit

I have not posted in about a month now. In June I went on vacation to the Turks and Caicos Islands. I went to the Club Med Resort and had tons of fun. I truly needed this time away from my child just to take a break from everything. I was at first worried about going on vacation by myself. I have never done it before. 

I scheduled my vacation around the two weeks my son was going to be with ex H. I got an amazing deal for the trip being a travel agent so I could not complain much. This trip did wonders for my self esteem but I am starting to feel like I am sinking again. 

I also had to take care of a biopsy regarding a thyroid problem I have. I still don't have the results but hopefully it will not be something very serious.

I am now back to work and the daily grind. I find the weekends(especially the long weekends) very depressing. My parents and sister are not into celebrating any of these holidays so it makes it even more difficult. This past weekend we had a long weekend holiday in Canada. A friend of mine invited me to go over with my son to her parents house which is on a lake north of toronto. We both had a great day there. But unfortunately there are very few of those "friends" that actually even pick up the phone to see if we are alive. I am truly disappointed from a lot of people. 
I have never asked anyone not to stay friends with my ex, I have never asked anyone to purposely take him of facebook or any other site. I have never bashed him other than tell the truth(always backed up with evidence) to those who wanted to know more and yet I feel people abandonned son and I like we are the ones that committed the adultery and destroyed our family. Anyone else feels this way?

On the other hand I have been looking at making a drastic career change and I am not really getting any support from my immediate family. I try to stay away from them especially my mom who can be very manipulative and just drives me up the wall half the time.

I have not been active with my Single parents group this past month mostly because of time contraints but I plan to get together with them soon. Good thing I am working otherwise I would have gone crazy sitting at home and thinking it all over again.


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