# Unsure.



## Anony-mouse. (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm unsure about a lot of things. First off, I'm unsure if I'm posting in the correct thread. I saw several that could hold this topic, but decided to try here. Maybe someone can point me in the right direction after I post this. 

Now. I'm unsure about my marriage. I never wanted to get married or have children. But it's happened. Now I feel like I don't know where I went wrong.

When my husband and I started dating, it was like most relationships. We each acted like the other had hung the moon. We quickly fell in love (or so I thought) and I pretty much lived with him in no time at all. It was after I was living with him when he first cheated. I had heard rumors of his polygomy for a while, but of course had the mind set of "He wouldn't do that to me." In my defense, I had good reason. There was only one other girl before me that he had ever said "I love you" too. So, of course, I just thought I was special. (I recently found out he cheated on the other girl he "loved" about 6 times.)

Well I left him and he cried, begged, pleaded, and eventually threatened which quickly earned him a bed in the local behavioral health center. He threatened his own life, not my safety.

Even though I had never put up with cheating in any way/shape or form, I went back to him. I will always feel weak for this.

Six months into the relationship (after I had gone back to him) I found out I was pregnant. He had told me several times he wanted to marry me and have children with me. He said after I left, he realized his mistake and wanted a future with me alone. His father, however, convinced us that now I was pregnant, we would have to get married. Somewhat ironic in my oppinion considering his wife cheated on him when my husband and his sister were young and they are long since divorced. But his oppinion stood and my husband strongly stood by it. So we planned for a shotgun wedding in October. (We found out about the pregnancy in August.)

We lost the baby in September. However, apparently, both of us "guilted" he other into still getting married. Even before we lost the baby I asked him several times if we could wait until the child was old enough to be a part of the wedding. He replied with "You don't love me..." so I felt guilted. 
After I lost the baby, I cried saying I thought that now that I wasn't pregnant he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. (pregnancy hormones. What a kicker.) Thus, he felt guilted.

We got married for the wrong reasons (apparently) in October. Got pregnant again in December. (YAY for D&C's. Gateway to parenthood. Oh yeah, and sex. Gotta have sex.)

Now we have an 8 month old little boy and I feel liked our relationship is dead. I'm not in love with him. At all. I constantly find myself wondering if I'm where I'm supposed to be. I honestly do not feel like I'm married to the person I'm supposed to be with. But I don't know where to turn.

Here are his "issues" that bother me.
- His sense on entitlement. Even though I feel half the time like I'm raising two children, he seems to think that everything is his. I'm his. The apartment is his. Our son is his. Our money is his. Nothing is ours. He is supposed to get an inheritance when his grandparents pass and he's already told me what he's going to do with it and where we're going to live. He never stops to think that this is my life as well. 
- His oppinions on women. It's perfectly acceptable in his book to blatently stare at another woman when out with his wife and son. 
- His anger and pride. He can accidentally hurt or offend me, but when I react (even by leaving the room) I'm an "a$$hole". Everything is always my fault and it's as if an apology is the equivalent to wearing a pink tutu in the middle of a football half time show on stage. 

Here are some of MY "issues" that I know are playing a part in this.
- My insecurity. I don't feel attractive after having our son and I feel like he would rather be with someone else. He will rarely have conversations with me, yet he finds it perfectly acceptable to find his ex (the other "ILY girl") on facebook and initiate conversations with her.
- My walls. You know how they say you'll always end up marrying your mother/father? Obviously not literally, but figuratively. Well apparently I married my mother. She also made everything out to be my fault, so, I built walls. If anything is bothering me, I can't speak them. I hate confrontation so much that I will litterally cry myself to sleep instead of stand up for myself. I feel like I'm not letting him in because I'm scared of getting hurt. Again. By him.
- My fear of change. Maybe this has something to do with my inabbility to confront him. Maybe it's why I'm so terrified of divorce. Maybe it's why I resent getting married in the first place.

Speaking of divorce. Another reason I haven't left is that he's thrown the whole "My grandfather will get the best lawyer and you'll never see our son again. And if by chane you do get some form of custody, and you bring another man near my son, you won't believe what I would do."
I know, I know. He's psyching me out of it. But still. There's that thread of fear sewn into my brain that he COULD win our son. Or if not, that he WiLL do something drastic if/when I decide to date again. 

I just feel trapped, lost and, well, unsure. 

Before you reply, yes. I know we got married to quickly and too young. I know I messed up. If I could go back in time, I would. I just need some advice on how to change it from here.

Oh, and we can't afford counseling. We are literally living paycheck-to-paycheck and rarely making it.

Thank you for reading this far. I'm sorry it's so long... Good this this isn't a "my life support" forum, eh?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Anony-mouse. said:


> I'm unsure about a lot of things. First off, I'm unsure if I'm posting in the correct thread. I saw several that could hold this topic, but decided to try here. Maybe someone can point me in the right direction after I post this.
> 
> Now. I'm unsure about my marriage. I never wanted to get married or have children. But it's happened. Now I feel like I don't know where I went wrong.
> 
> ...


Wow, sounds like some major immaturity issues with your husband. I am on my phone or I would post more, not sure why you've had no replies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

He doesn't have his head on straight.

I'm not the perfect husband (I know I have flaws), but I treat my wife as my equal. She isn't a baby machine, she's not a sounding board for my frustrations, she's not someone I want to control.

Your husband seems to think exactly the opposite.

This is not a loving environment to raise you child. He's going to learn things from your husband... things I'm sure you don't approve of.

Your options seem to be:
1. Get a divorce and fight him for custody of your son.
2. Separate and get counselling (not sure how custody would work)
2. Stay and get counselling
3. Stay and suffer in silence (while most likely he'll progressively get worse since he doesn't seem to respect you).


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Well if you dont love him "at all", as you put it there is zero hope. You should just have this conversation with him.


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## GeorgiaRule (May 5, 2012)

I feel like I am in a very similar situation and I'm at a loss for answers! We married because we were pregnant as well, and then everything changed. I really, really do not want a divorce, but we have some serious issues. He however, is unwilling to commit to any type of counseling. I have finally sought out counseling for myself though, just to take some type of progressive action, so we shall see where it leads. I wish you the best, but I can only sympathize, not counsel on this one.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

As scary as it sounds, you probably need to get out now.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Anony-mouse. said:


> Well I left him and he cried, begged, pleaded, and eventually threatened which quickly earned him a bed in the local behavioral health center. He threatened his own life, not my safety.


I don't think you would have to worry too much about him being granted custody of an infant. Not only is he immature, controlling, manipulative, and a complete jerk, he is mentally unstable. I honestly think you would be better off to get out while you have so little time invested in him.


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