# Popping in



## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Hello,

Hi to the folks I used to chat with often who are still here and a big hello to the new.

To refresh I'm divorced (4/2011) after close to 20 years with 2 daughters (14&17). I see them every monday and every other weekend. Damn that sucks.

TAM pulled me through some tough tough times and I have a special place in my heart for the people and site. That is probably why I'm back. I still think about posts from Shoo and Paradise when the wounds were fresh and infected. I think that venting and having someone else experiencing the same challenges I was going through at the same time was priceless.

I also remember reading posts wondering where/why people go and thought I'd like to give an update on where I am.

I'm almost 2 yrs divorced and have been seeing a lady for about 18 months. I know everyone progresses at different speeds. I have been very open with her about my feelings and past which I think is important. 

I have had some really hi highs and some really low lows. Every day is a new one and I try to remember that instead of pondering the past. My girls have adapted well and I actually think that my divorce from their mother has had a positive impact on them. (go figure they get a break from crazy land)

For me at least, I found that keeping busy and trying to learn new things that I always wanted to learn got me through. After a while sitting in front of the TV and ordering pizza wasnt cutting anymore.

I still havent received any answers as to why we got divorced but the passage of time made me realize that waiting for one was eating me up and most likely never coming. What a huge hurdle to get over that was and some days I'm not sure I have. 

Not sure how to wrap up but PC only has 10% power left so need to figure out something quick.

I feel this site was a life raft in rocky ocean when I needed it the most and I hope everyone can find a life raft like I did.

Take care.

Shoeguy


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi, Shoe -- thanks for checking in. Your story was one of many I was reading when I first came on TAM a little over a year ago. I'm glad things are starting to even out a little bit for you. I understand on having to go forward without a real reason 'why,' but I hope you can get some peace with it. You're right -- you're out of Crazy Land now, and maybe that's reason enough. 

And soon your girls will be old enough that they won't be constrained by visitation agreements. Then you can see them as much as you want. Hang in there. 

Take care, sweetie. Don't be such a stranger in the future!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Shoeguy said:


> My girls have adapted well and I actually think that my divorce from their mother has had a positive impact on them. (go figure they get a break from crazy land)


Yep, that's how it is with my kids. I know both my kids would like a real "family life" back, especially my son, but life is calm and peaceful now and that's a good thing. The tumult of the life we had when my ex and I were still living together was pretty awful. I grew up in that environment myself and didn't like it. Sometimes when you can't have the perfect life the next best thing is to just settle for what's next on the list. 

I'm glad to hear you are adapting well. At 17 and 14 your daughters probably are getting friends and a social life of their own soon anyway so be prepared for that and don't take it personally. If you have a good relationship with them they will make room for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope you are doing well, Shoe


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Glad you're doing good man. Life is good when you live it.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Shoe! Awesome to see that you came back for a spell. Also, very cool that you are still with the lady friend. 

I imagine that your girls LOVE to be with you! I know it is hard not being with them all the time and to be honest I doubt we will ever get over that completely. Not sure about you but I don't miss my ex one bit. I don't miss my marriage....What I miss is my daughter. But, I'm sure like you, we make the best of the time we have with them and try to make it count. I have to believe that the kiddos know this. 

Glad to hear that you are doing new things! I could have written the same thing you did about sitting around watching tv and mindlessly wasting the evenings away until it was time to get up and go to work and then repeat the entire process until I have my girl again. That is just no way to live. What new things have you done? 

You know, sometimes I imagine what it would be like to meet you, Shoo, niceguy, etc. We are all right around the 2 yr mark on very similar divorces and there is an understanding that is just hard to establish with many other people in the real world. I say we make it to yr 3 and plan a trip to Vegas or skiing in Colorado. I actually just learned to ski this past winter and now I'm kind of addicted to it. We could tear up the slopes during the day and get after the ladies at night!!!

Keep in touch on here! I'm like you and pop in every now and again but I do lurk around and read up on some of the newbies and I always enjoy reading the likes of Angel and Dolly and the other gals....Oh, and Jelly, good to see ya back around here as well. 

Take care, friend!!! 

Paradise


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. To be honest I think I've always used this site to not only vent but to look forward to how everyone reacts to what I wrote.

My girlfriend....what a polar opposite of me and my ex. I'm an honest guy probably to a fault. So...I come from a family who enjoy having some beers or drinking scotch or wine after work or at dinner or a few hours before dinner on the weekends. That was how I grew up and continue to do that now myself.

Well the GF works for a non-profit org and she teachs/run programs teaching alc/drug & tobacco prevention to high school and elem student. What a polar opposite...I love talking to her..and boy can she talk. lol

She connects reall well with my kids.(go figure) she is teaching me a new method/perspective to talk to my teen girls which I love.

But...there is also a hole I'm trying to fill still. I have chosen to not talk with my ex for anything except kid issues. We have mutual friends that I admire becasue they have been put in a tough spot becasue of our divorce but do a great job of not picking sides. The hole is thnking about the days when we went on trips with them for the weekend or week and how much fun we had as couples and parents. I know they enjoy my girlfriends company and conversations but it is a long road to create history. Also somewhat nice to start over. 

Paradise I like the idea of meeting in Vegas or skiing. I haven't ski'ed for 20 years and knee surgery ago but hear Colorado is a great place. Actually have a good buddy that lives in Denver. I haven't been to vegas either so pick...Do you golf?

I think Shoo needs a good weekend. I wish he would have taken my suggestion on cutting the bed in half and putting up a board. lol

I'll try and post more frequently. I have job issues I'm trying to solve. not an excuse but a reality. 

Take care,

Shoeguy


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Shoeguy said:


> But...there is also a hole I'm trying to fill still. I have chosen to not talk with my ex for anything except kid issues. We have mutual friends that I admire becasue they have been put in a tough spot becasue of our divorce but do a great job of not picking sides. The hole is thnking about the days when we went on trips with them for the weekend or week and how much fun we had as couples and parents. I know they enjoy my girlfriends company and conversations but it is a long road to create history. Also somewhat nice to start over.


You need to make new friends that are separate and apart from the old. Your girlfriend would probably appreciate it too.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Shoeguy said:


> Thanks for the replies. To be honest I think I've always used this site to not only vent but to look forward to how everyone reacts to what I wrote.
> 
> My girlfriend....what a polar opposite of me and my ex. I'm an honest guy probably to a fault. So...I come from a family who enjoy having some beers or drinking scotch or wine after work or at dinner or a few hours before dinner on the weekends. That was how I grew up and continue to do that now myself.
> 
> ...


Holy cow! I remember when you gave shoo that suggestion. 

Filling a hole? Yep, I think we all do that to a degree. My big thing now is just trying to figure out what the next step is for me. Took two years but I've managed to completely step away from my old like but I still struggle a bit with figuring out where to go from here. It will come....There has to be a reason it is taking so long to figure everything out and to get out of the financial mess but life could be worse. 

As for the golf, I would need you to define "playing" golf....If your definition includes drinking beer while chasing a little ball around a golf course then you and I are speaking the same language.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey Shoe!
Good to hear from you man!
I in some demented way enjoyed having my lying cheating wife crawl back in bed next to me after a night out. Painfully uncomfortable I hope it was. Her desire to have things happen at her pace, (i.e. turning the discovery of her affair and lies into a touchy-feely story of an unhappy marriage taking its due course).
I intended to find a place to live and take all the time I needed. 
"I cheated and you need to leave" was not going to cut it...

These days it is a back and forth between a sense of needing "progress" in some area, and acknowledging that I very much needed a good break and rest period after years of dumping myself into that. I sometimes sit and think, man.. I wished I had something good going on; but a break from servitude "IS" that good thing going on... 
Still working on digging out of debt, so living paycheck to paycheck currently, and making do with what I can.
I do still feel like "whats next",, you know in terms of what direction I would like my life to take, and what actions I can take to facilitate that momentum,, It certainly took awhile to get to the point of feeling ready to take on a change or a direction. 
For now, I am going with the flow, making no plans, and learning to be at peace with how my life is at the moment. Getting accustomed to how this is now... Still taking a bit of time, but I see newer and newer reasons for joy every day.


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