# Frustrated with husband's lack of understanding



## tweet (May 24, 2012)

Hi,

It's been 4 years of our marriage. Although my husband has always been very supportive of my career and other things that I have wanted to do. But he has a strange problem. This guy is extremely obsessed with his family (I mean his parents and siblings). He literally likes to spend all the time he has with them. I do enjoy spending time with his family but sometimes it just gets a little too much for me. I want to plan weekends when we can do our own things, take a trip, go for a hike...but this guy he just wants to either sit inside the whole day and watch movies on his laptop of just want to visit his parents. 

How can doing fun things with your wife not be relaxing?? (especially when we love each other and we have been honest to each other...no third person in our lives) We both care for each other but whenever I try to talk to him about how he needs to have a balance and try doing things with his wife sometimes and not staying solely focused on being around his family, he gets all out of shape and we get into an argument. 

I have always tried to avoid heated arguments by not bringing up anything related to his family. This time it got a little too much. We moved to a new town since he had to go to business school. I had some free time so was hoping that once he is done with his exams we can go around and explore the city a little bit before he leaves for his summer internship (by the way he got the internship in the same town where his parents live). Ok so I understand that he wants to got there in time and settle down before his internship starts. But seriously....he had two weeks until the internship starting date and here comes the last day of the exam and the guy takes the flight the next day.....wow! He had nothing in mind about going around and having some fun time with his wife now that the exams were finally over!! I really think asking for two to three days with me was not so much.

I needed to stay back to take care a few urgent things so no way I could go with him for three months.......I mean yeah you have to go but seriously I can't understand why he would not like to spend two days hanging out with me.

In the past whenever I have had any difference of opinion with his mom or sister ----he always have had an explanation to support them and at the same time telling me what I shouldn't have done....how is that his family is the one that is always right?

Bottom line - my husband is totally obsessed with his family. He can't really see anything beyond them. His behavior is very painful.....and I am getting very frustrated. I don't know what to do? Please provide your inputs. I have tried to talking to him many times.

Now I am thinking I am going to start planning out things only with my girl friends and stop going out with him......so that he realizes how it feels like to be sidelined. I really feel I am being sidelined. 

I don't know if this strategy is going to help. He left today to be with people he likes the most....(seriously his attitude is making me sick!!......his mom has always had a very hypocritical attitude.....which is irritating....my husband gets sick the lady calls multiple times...I got sick three times with flu....she hardly cares...to call and find out how I am doing....sorry that is not a very caring attitude....I don't really think she gives a damn about me....he actions are very dubious....I can't really believe her.....) 

Before leaving my husband tells me you should come over and visit us .......In my mind I thought to myself - sure baby.....I will!! (only in dreams) Never will I do that!! What's the point of getting more frustrated by viewing the family obsession in person and spoiling my vacation time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tweet said:


> I have always tried to avoid heated arguments by not bringing up anything related to his family.


The arguments ensue because he doesn't respect your point of view or care how you feel about this. Sounds like he has been joined at the hip to his family from the get-go. Nothing you say is going to change it. You must have been pretty much aware of how he was before you married him.



tweet said:


> Bottom line - my husband is totally obsessed with his family. He can't really see anything beyond them. His behavior is very painful.....and I am getting very frustrated. I don't know what to do? Please provide your inputs. I have tried to talking to him many times.


You can't change him. It boils down to you getting a set of girlfriends and planning activities with them. If this is getting to the point that speaking to him has no impact, then you have to make a very difficult decision. But, if you make the decision, you have to stick to your guns. Tell him he either starts taking an interest in the two of you doing things together to build a bond as a couple, or he can continue to bond with his family. If he chooses his family, then you know your standing in the pecking order. And it is NOT first place. Live with it, or make a firm decision to leave him. Sure, he may take notice if you build a life for yourself and get involved in activities. But you have to prepare youself for the fact that if his family comes first - and it's not going to change no matter what you do - that you don't have much of a marriage.

Frankly, it sounds like you have a real "momma's boy" on your hands. When push comes to shove, they generally choose mommy.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yep, I'm on board with you making a life for yourself, your own friends, your own activities --

being close to family is fine, but you should come first. And, alas, you don't right now. That would be a huge problem for me. Only you can decide how serious a problem it is for you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He's still a boy...
Where are the finances coming from?
Not many wives would or shoud put up with this.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Sounds like his mother controls his every thought. You are clearly in competitition with her. He's a mama's boy and you're never going to change his personality. You may be able to get him to see that he needs to cut the apron strings. Does he realize that you are starting to think about a life without him? I know you didn't say that, but its clear your thoughts are on that path. You should tell him how serious this is for your marriage. If you can't tell him without arguing then write him a letter explaining everything but be sure its done in a loving way.


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## tweet (May 24, 2012)

Thank you so much guys for all of your thoughts. Your feedback is so much appreciated. Right now I making a career transition and once I am done with it and am little more stable in my new career track and if he is not willing to make changes in this relationship at that point.........I will kick his ass and leave!

I really don't think he respects my point of view...I sure am on the path where I have been having thoughts of getting my career on track and leaving, if things are going the same way. Life is not worth wasting for such people who don't value people who love them so much...he can sure stay obsessed with his family as much as we wants, once I am gone!


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