# been a while...update



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

well...it has been a few weeks since I have posted anything...as always....lots and lots of happenings going on.

It has now been almost 3 months since my husband left. I don't cry as much...but I do miss him more than anything. We have mostly texted each other when needed.....however some texts have been bad while some have been good. You really don't know how you will feel from one day to the next. It changes so much.

I made the decision and found a wonderful place in the city where I work. The kids and I moved in this past weekend. They seem to be adjusting well.....the only downside is that the boys are now an hour away from their dad. But I have been able to work more and spend less on gas..which is a super bonus.

The other day my husband called and wanted to tell me personally before anyone other than him.....that he has been communicating with his high school girlfriend and that she was coming to vist him this past week. Just to be clear....this girl is a horrible person. Period. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. But...we are separated....he can do what he wants....anyways...

I get a text last night from him asking if he could come over. I asked why and then he said nevermind. Few minutes later he texts back "can I please come over"....i finally said yes.

He came over to my new place. It was really hard for him seeing all of "our stuff" and seeing all the pics of the kids. He started crying....I hugged him and tried to console him the best I could. We had a nice visit. Well...to make a long story short....he invited me over to his place....I went....we had a bottle of wine and pizza. I told him that I would sleep on the couch...he said I didnt' have to do that.....he said to sleep in the bed....welll....one thing led to another if you know what I mean....I know that we are not getting back together....but it just felt so natural. It was nice. He texted me this morning after I left his house and said thank you for coming over.....so what do you all think???? Especially those of you who know the complete story?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I've been separated since the end of November so roughly the same time as you. I went through that "honeymoon" period myself. Right after we separated. Same thing happened. My husband came over after we separated and we saw each other a few weekends. Got passionate, had some fun, etc..

It was nice and I enjoyed it but it didn't last long. Gave me a false sense of hope that us being separated was the "fix" that we needed..that it would save our marriage. I thought that maybe the separation would help dissolve a lot of our tensions and problems and we could "start fresh" and just "date awhile" and work our way up to reconciliation with maybe some counseling, etc. 

A great idea but our problem is my husband is an alcoholic and he felt no great desire to fix himself so we could fix our marriage. Instead he just blames me for everything. I mean, he blames me for EVERYTHING! The last month he's insisted on having our 13 year old son over his house every weekend. My son has come to look forward to this. This past Friday night HE blew off my son: Said he'd pick him up for the weekend and didn't show up, didn't call or answer my son's calls..NOTHING. On Sunday at 6pm I get a call from him asking me why I didn't call HIM?! :scratchhead: "Why don't I care if something happened to him, blah blah blah".. :wtf:

So with this sort of crap going on ad infinitum there's no resolution or reconciliation in sight. I think my husband and I might've worked things out in time because we still love each other but we can't get past the drinking. It dictates everything he thinks and does. It turned him from a decent guy and good provider to a real jerk and someone no one wants to be around. Even the last holdout, my 13 year old son, is disgusted with him. 

If your husband doesn't have such problems there may very well be some hope for you both. I'd recommend taking it slow and using this as your guideline.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html

You want to be able to pull back some so you can keep a level head and give him an opportunity to see you in a new and different light. He's seeing now that you are independent and is obviously missing you but you don't want to rush back and find yourself in the same situation you were before. Take it slow and keep your eyes wide open.

Oh yeah, and what is this about some high school sweetheart? That's nuts. If you do start seeing each other again I'd make it CLEAR that stuff isn't tolerated if you are going to be seeing each other. He can't have it both ways. Just because you are separated doesn't mean you can go having affairs. Technically you are still married. You'll need to sit down and hash out with him whether or not dating is permitted. My husband and I had this talk and agreed to be faithful. IMO if there's any hope for reconciliation then it'll be killed with both of you going out and dating/sleeping with other people. 

I believe this sort of stuff should be done after a final parting, divorce, etc...and after some time has passed.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

well...just got a text from my husband...he said he is really sorry and what happened between us cannot happen again. He feels really horrible about himself and that is was wrong of him. : (


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

denise1218 said:


> well...just got a text from my husband...he said he is really sorry and what happened between us cannot happen again. He feels really horrible about himself and that is was wrong of him. : (


As bad as it sounds but I believe he was testing the waters....maybe not intentionally, but he did....

Go back to Low Contact please and don't let this happen again until he comes to you and is sure that he wants to be with you again....

I believe he is slowly realizing he misses you, but it also scares him because after all he was sure he's doing the right thing by leaving....

So he's tested the waters to see if he would still have a chance and when he realized he does and that he still has feelings for you it freaked him out....

My opinion....doesn't have to be right..... 

180..... :smthumbup:


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I don't think what happened is all bad even though he said it can't happen again. This is a cr*ppy situation, but in 6 months your husband may realize that sex with you was fun that night and want to be close to you again.

The only way that will happen is if he is lonely and missing you and there is no arguing or issues, which the 180 helps promote and is all about.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yep, I'd definitely do the 180..and next time he asks you to come over for pizza say you are busy. 

Good luck. Don't feel you did wrong. Consider it a lesson learned. It's a shame you have to go through this crap. Same thing happened to me. It looked hopeful for awhile and then things turned sour.

Sticking with the 180 doesn't only send a message to your husband, it helps you deal with the separation and gives yourself the space and boundaries that you'll need to get ahead and deal with this situation.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think the real key is the part about "a bottle of wine, and some pizza".

A pleasant night that runs late with a little buzz has landed people with a lot less history together doing the horizontal tango. When that's behind it though...it's hard to believe it's going to be the path to reconciliation. If he was just a guy you were dating, it wouldn't exactly be the path to a second date, right?

I know as women we all like to tell each other that it really is him 'coming to his senses, he just can't say it' or whatever...but I think in cases like this, more often than not, it's just the wine and the situation leading to some ex-sex with more strings than you expect. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yeah, and the guy is horny. And maybe you are too. So you had sex! Was it good sex? Well, if so, then chalk it up and go home. That's what they do, right? :slap: I guess if you can take it for what it is, then it'll work but if you are looking for something else..then you are headed for a fall. 

I actually thought that casual sex wouldn't be such a bad thing back when my husband and I were having great sex. But the last time we "got together" was so sad and pathetic that any desire to do that again is completely gone. 

Goodbye hubby, hello vibrator.


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