# Sexless Marriage due to Husband Diabetes



## CGood86 (4 mo ago)

My husband and I have been married for 18 years. I am 36 and he is 41. He has been struggling with diabetes for many years. It was maybe 2 or 3 years ago he developed erectile dysfunction. I remember the transition was emotional. At first I thought I was the problem. We just didn’t know why every time it got worse. Then he figured out it was in fact his ED. It happened kind of quickly. Next thing we knew he couldn’t obtain an erection at all. Nothing. We tried all the pills and pumps and even did an injection and nothing worked. In the early days we struggled and fought and cried and got embarrassed. We went through it all. We tried doing other things but that was worse for me because I am an old fashioned women. I like it straight and to the point. I am uncomfortable with most things like toys and videos and things like that. I cried almost every time because I was so upset he couldn’t go further so of course that made him not want to try because he didn’t want to make me upset. So he stopped trying anything at all. I was angry he couldn’t make love to me like he should. He was angry too. Now, all of this coupled with my history of being let down by him and lied to by him when it came to money and bills as well as failing at IUI fertility treatments. At this point I don’t know what our future looks like. When we discussed him possible getting an implant we decided to wait until our fertility treatments were done. He actually never wanted to try for a third and always made it feel one sided. I went through all the tests and doctors appointments and he didn’t even put up a fight when I said let’s stop. I was tired and stressed and felt like a failure. But he seemed happy to be done and didn’t fight for it at all. He doesn’t keep up with his doctor appointments for his diabetes and the medication he needs. He doesn’t take control of his food intake and doesn’t care to get fit. He only recently is trying a little more because I found out some things he did with our money and he is being extra for a while. I am sure a lot of this soubds minor and maybe not reasons to consider leaving but for me it’s not just the lack of sex and intimacy. It’s the connection we lost when that happened. The connection we lost when we almost got evicted for no payment of rent. I had no clue. It’s the connection lost when after years telling him to take care of himself and get his diabetes in check before it gets worse and then he loses his ability to make love to me. It’s the connection lost when he opened up a credit card in my name without my knowledge. It’s those things and more. But I am conflicted about moving on because he is a good husband in that he tells me everyday he loves me. He is respectful and would never physically hurt me or our children. He is a wonderful dad. He doesn’t drink or smoke or go out with his buddies all night every night. He spend all his time with us. He is a good person. It’s our connection as husband and wife that is suffering and I don’t know if I want to keep this up. We talk a lot and I almost always tell him how I feel so that he is not in the dark. I just don’t usually get the same from him. I am just still so angry about everything and I don’t know how to get over that. Even if he does get the surgery and we resume a somewhat normal sex life will all the things we went through and the anger and distrust go away just because?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

The worst thing you can do when a guy can't get an erection is to get mad at him. The second worst thing is to start crying about it.

You did both.

That's just cold.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

CGood86 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 18 years. I am 36 and he is 41. He has been struggling with diabetes for many years. It was maybe 2 or 3 years ago he developed erectile dysfunction. I remember the transition was emotional. At first I thought I was the problem. We just didn’t know why every time it got worse. Then he figured out it was in fact his ED. It happened kind of quickly. Next thing we knew he couldn’t obtain an erection at all. Nothing. We tried all the pills and pumps and even did an injection and nothing worked. In the early days we struggled and fought and cried and got embarrassed. We went through it all. We tried doing other things but that was worse for me because I am an old fashioned women. I like it straight and to the point. I am uncomfortable with most things like toys and videos and things like that. I cried almost every time because I was so upset he couldn’t go further so of course that made him not want to try because he didn’t want to make me upset. So he stopped trying anything at all. I was angry he couldn’t make love to me like he should. He was angry too. Now, all of this coupled with my history of being let down by him and lied to by him when it came to money and bills as well as failing at IUI fertility treatments. At this point I don’t know what our future looks like.


His ED is not all about you. You are making the situation worse with your anger, your tears, and your refusal to compromise. 



> When we discussed him possible getting an implant we decided to wait until our fertility treatments were done. He actually never wanted to try for a third and always made it feel one sided. I went through all the tests and doctors appointments and he didn’t even put up a fight when I said let’s stop. I was tired and stressed and felt like a failure. But he seemed happy to be done and didn’t fight for it at all.


Adding a child to the family is something that BOTH spouses need to be on board with. You are in the wrong here. If you knew he didn't want more kids, then you shouldn't have tried to have another child with him. You certainly cannot be mad at him for not being excited or sad to stop when he didn't want to be doing it in the first place. Fertility treatments are hard on any couple, more so when one doesn't want to be doing them.



> He doesn’t keep up with his doctor appointments for his diabetes and the medication he needs. He doesn’t take control of his food intake and doesn’t care to get fit. He only recently is trying a little more because I found out some things he did with our money and he is being extra for a while. I am sure a lot of this soubds minor and maybe not reasons to consider leaving but for me it’s not just the lack of sex and intimacy. It’s the connection we lost when that happened. The connection we lost when we almost got evicted for no payment of rent. I had no clue. It’s the connection lost when after years telling him to take care of himself and get his diabetes in check before it gets worse and then he loses his ability to make love to me. It’s the connection lost when he opened up a credit card in my name without my knowledge. It’s those things and more. But I am conflicted about moving on because he is a good husband in that he tells me everyday he loves me. He is respectful and would never physically hurt me or our children. He is a wonderful dad. He doesn’t drink or smoke or go out with his buddies all night every night. He spend all his time with us. He is a good person. It’s our connection as husband and wife that is suffering and I don’t know if I want to keep this up. We talk a lot and I almost always tell him how I feel so that he is not in the dark. I just don’t usually get the same from him. I am just still so angry about everything and I don’t know how to get over that. Even if he does get the surgery and we resume a somewhat normal sex life will all the things we went through and the anger and distrust go away just because?


He's obviously in the wrong as well, so I'm not saying the problem are all your fault. You do need to own your side though. 

You need to decide if you want to continue being married to a man who doesn't care about his health and has spending issues. And no, the anger and trust issues will not just "go away" if the problems resolve themselves. 

You two would likely benefit from marriage counseling.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Trident said:


> The worst thing you can do when a guy can't get an erection is to get mad at him. The second worst thing is to start crying about it.
> 
> You did both.
> 
> That's just cold.


Agree with this. I feel sorry for this guy. He would've felt like **** and worthless, useless, ashamed after this. The poor guy.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Nico_Jacobs (4 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Agree with this. I feel sorry for this guy. He would've felt like **** and worthless, useless, ashamed after this. The poor guy.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


For what it is worth, I have been in a very similar situation. My wife and I have been married for 25+ years and ED created a large space between us. Not just ED but it didn’t help. Like your husband, I am a diabetic and after trying all of the treatments, did eventually get the implant about 9 months ago. What I would say is that there is probably much more than you know going on. By that, I mean that ED and thus low testosterone (very common in diabetics over 40) destroy a man’s ego. When I was diagnosed with low T and then started getting the injections weekly, I became a new person. I, like many, thought it was just about muscles and sex drive but honestly, testosterone is basically what makes a man a man. Without it, there is no sex drive, no confidence, muscle turns to fat and can’t reverse, and depression and anxiety. These aren’t rare but are the norm. As a result, I made excuses not to have sex or even be intimate. I couldn’t take the chance of intimacy turning physical and then failing my wife again due to not being able to perform. It doesn’t mean that he isn’t aroused by you. Just consider that he is far more upset about it than you are and honestly lacks the confidence to talk about it (again low t). As far as the lying goes, that is a separate conversation but I would say one step at a time. I think you might be surprised how much things change when he begins to feel confident about himself again. Hope this helps.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

CGood86 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 18 years. I am 36 and he is 41. He has been struggling with diabetes for many years. It was maybe 2 or 3 years ago he developed erectile dysfunction. I remember the transition was emotional. At first I thought I was the problem. We just didn’t know why every time it got worse. Then he figured out it was in fact his ED. It happened kind of quickly. Next thing we knew he couldn’t obtain an erection at all. Nothing. We tried all the pills and pumps and even did an injection and nothing worked. In the early days we struggled and fought and cried and got embarrassed. We went through it all. We tried doing other things but that was worse for me because I am an old fashioned women. I like it straight and to the point. I am uncomfortable with most things like toys and videos and things like that. I cried almost every time because I was so upset he couldn’t go further so of course that made him not want to try because he didn’t want to make me upset. So he stopped trying anything at all. I was angry he couldn’t make love to me like he should. He was angry too. Now, all of this coupled with my history of being let down by him and lied to by him when it came to money and bills as well as failing at IUI fertility treatments. At this point I don’t know what our future looks like. When we discussed him possible getting an implant we decided to wait until our fertility treatments were done. He actually never wanted to try for a third and always made it feel one sided. I went through all the tests and doctors appointments and he didn’t even put up a fight when I said let’s stop. I was tired and stressed and felt like a failure. But he seemed happy to be done and didn’t fight for it at all. He doesn’t keep up with his doctor appointments for his diabetes and the medication he needs. He doesn’t take control of his food intake and doesn’t care to get fit. He only recently is trying a little more because I found out some things he did with our money and he is being extra for a while. I am sure a lot of this soubds minor and maybe not reasons to consider leaving but for me it’s not just the lack of sex and intimacy. It’s the connection we lost when that happened. The connection we lost when we almost got evicted for no payment of rent. I had no clue. It’s the connection lost when after years telling him to take care of himself and get his diabetes in check before it gets worse and then he loses his ability to make love to me. It’s the connection lost when he opened up a credit card in my name without my knowledge. It’s those things and more. But I am conflicted about moving on because he is a good husband in that he tells me everyday he loves me. He is respectful and would never physically hurt me or our children. He is a wonderful dad. He doesn’t drink or smoke or go out with his buddies all night every night. He spend all his time with us. He is a good person. It’s our connection as husband and wife that is suffering and I don’t know if I want to keep this up. We talk a lot and I almost always tell him how I feel so that he is not in the dark. I just don’t usually get the same from him. I am just still so angry about everything and I don’t know how to get over that. Even if he does get the surgery and we resume a somewhat normal sex life will all the things we went through and the anger and distrust go away just because?


In some of your paragraphs you are running your husband down and in others you`re saying what a wonderful husband and father he is.
You also said, you`re not prepared to try other means of sexual satisfaction with your husband because you are an old fashion woman, which means you are not willing to meet him half way or make compromises or make any concessions for his health issues. With you it appears it has to be all or nothing or in other words this is all about you.
What scares me somewhat on reading your post, that you know in your mind he is a decent guy but are finding reasons to fault your husband, which could lead to you finding solace outside the marriage. I`ve seen this happen before when women become bored in a relationship believing their needs and requirements are not being met and make excuses to begin cheating.
My questions to you are, please tell me if you think I`m wrong and how now do you intend to move forward with your life?.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I have no advice on the ED issue. Too me the big glaring problem is he is NOT A GOOD HUSBAND.
If you have to worry about identity fraud from your husband , I cannot see how you can respect him much less call him a good husband.


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## Mystic Moon (6 mo ago)

Has he consulted his doctor? Might be time for
medical intervention. Perhaps viagra or something else, like testosterone check.

There are many ways to be intimate that don't involve penetration. Sensual massages, tantric sex, and so on.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

CGood86 said:


> He doesn’t keep up with his doctor appointments for his diabetes and the medication he needs. He doesn’t take control of his food intake and doesn’t care to get fit.


This is the main problem. He doesn't try to get his diabetes under control by following the proper diet and exercise. My ED is what prompted me to get checked out for diabetes, because the Viagra wasn't working much. Once I was formally diagnosed, I am now religiously sticking to the diabetic diet and exercising vigorously. And I tell you what, just doing those two things has helped TREMENDOUSLY. 

He has to at least try and help himself in that department.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

CGood86 said:


> He doesn’t keep up with his doctor appointments for his diabetes and the medication he needs. He doesn’t take control of his food intake and doesn’t care to get fit.


I felt sorry for the guy until I read this. A friend of mine did the same thing..basically ignored his diabetes and possible treatment. He ended up going blind, getting depressed and killing himself. You need to force your H to go to this doc appts for his diabetes. Once he gets that under control, the ED may correct itself.


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