# Getting past the agner...



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'd like to hear from the ladies how you got past the anger when your marriage/relationship ended. I find it comes and goes, but when it's here, it's full-blown rage.

I know there's stages to go through, I just feel I'm stuck in the anger stage. yuck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Time and no contact are the only ways. If you have kids, limit contact to only co-parenting issues.

For me, anger wasn't something I felt a lot of. Or rather, it came in waves but I struggled to even get tot he point where i was angry. I felt more disappointed/disillusions and depressed than anything else. I thought, gosh I spent all this time growing this relationship--for what? For nothing.

Eventually you just come to accept that it's over and in the past and you have to march forward. Staying stuck in the past isn't productive or healthy.

Have you tried therapy? Reading any grief/loss books? Do you have a good support system? (friends/family). Try a new hobby, exercise, flirt with a handsome guy, the works.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think that when relationships end, people cycle through the '5 stages of grief' and you can cycle through various stages multiple times, or stay in a particular stage longer than in others as you work through it. Everyone moves through the stages at a different pace.

I think just knowing that it is a normal process you are going through, and understanding the basic process and allowing yourself the time to work through the stages can be helpful to your healing.

If you find that you just can't move past a stage no matter what, then consider whether you need to reach out to someone (like an IC) to get some individual attention, feedback, and support.

Best wishes.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

What are you doing with your anger? I find that if I sit and stew about it, the anger is only intensified. So, I find something constructive to do when the anger/rage hits. 

Go running, do some boxing or yoga, make pottery, play video games, head to the gun range, knit a sweater, paint your house, re-upholster the furniture, garden, tune your car's engine, whatever you find to be a useful, positive, safe, distracting use of the energy that your anger provides. And if all else fails, find a good counselor who can help you through this stage.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I know that the anger is a sign of the hurt I am experiencing. I'm not at the point where I can't control it, it just comes and goes. Most of it is related to the contact I have with my ex, he riles me up, and then I have difficulty calming down, I'll break down and cry, or get angry.

I will be returning to therapy in order to learn how to deal with my ex, and the way he can be so intrusive in my life. This weekend he must have called about 5 times for such mundane things as "do you need something at the grocery store". 

Bottom line, he's very difficult to deal with, and the less contact the better, but I just don't want to make him angry either (I know who cares), but he ends up just harassing me even more.

And yes, I do date, nothing serious, it improves my mood sometimes, but it's not the answer, only a therapist could help I think.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Rowan said:


> What are you doing with your anger? I find that if I sit and stew about it, the anger is only intensified. So, I find something constructive to do when the anger/rage hits.
> 
> Go running, do some boxing or yoga, make pottery, play video games, head to the gun range, knit a sweater, paint your house, re-upholster the furniture, garden, tune your car's engine, whatever you find to be a useful, positive, safe, distracting use of the energy that your anger provides. And if all else fails, find a good counselor who can help you through this stage.


Good point, I will sit and obsess about what is bothering me. For instance, I had two difficult job interviews last week, I ended up becoming angry and frustrated that I didn't prepare enough. I tend to be really hard on myself, and I think that's the big part of the problem. Not having a full-time job is taking it's toll on me now.

Yeah, I love gardening, but Canadian weather isn't allowing much of that right now. I used to love doing pottery as well. 

Thanks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop obsessing (easier said than done)....and do something.

Who are you angry at?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Stop obsessing (easier said than done)....and do something.
> 
> Who are you angry at?


I don't know what I'm angry about, it's strange, it's like my grandmother used to say "I'm so angry I could just spit"...lol

Maybe it's frustration as well, the whole job hunting is driving me ape sh*t...I have too much time on my hands. IDK

I need a good ass kicking.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is me kicking your ass ::ass-kick::


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

working_together said:


> Good point, I will sit and obsess about what is bothering me. For instance, I had two difficult job interviews last week, I ended up becoming angry and frustrated that I didn't prepare enough. I tend to be really hard on myself, and I think that's the big part of the problem. Not having a full-time job is taking it's toll on me now.
> 
> Yeah, I love gardening, but Canadian weather isn't allowing much of that right now. I used to love doing pottery as well.
> 
> Thanks



I understand about the sitting and obsessing. I am very prone to that. I've really had to make a concious choice to not do that and to channel my anger into the energy to do other more productive things. It still isn't automatic, but it's becoming easier to transition from brooding to doing something as time goes on.

BTW, Jellybeans is absolutely correct that no-contact is needed. He's your ex, presumably for a very valid reason, so there's no reason for you to be his friend or even answer his phone calls.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I guess I get mixed messages from people on how to go about things when interacting with my ex. I for one do not wish to be his friend, friendly? yes. I seriously don't think we could be good friends considering what went on in our past. My mom says that he should be invited to my daughter's b-day, but my friends say no, he should have his own for her. blah....therapy coming up soon, hopefully she can help me sort this all out.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

My question would be: Is it grossly abnormal for a person going through the separation/divorce process not to display any of the symptoms of "anger?" I just really can't seem to feel anything in my heart other than emptiness and deep remorse!


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