# Braking the 180? ever worth it



## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

Is it ever worth it? A forgiveness/**** you letter?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

To tell them you forgive them?

I always thought forgiveness if to help heal you. 

180 is the way to go in my mind. 

When you are really over it you won't care if they know you forgive them or not.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

sokillme said:


> To tell them you forgive them?
> 
> I always thought forgiveness if to help heal you.
> 
> ...


Yea, i don't know what it is. Dealing with a lot of grief. I was emotionally abused, I'm now alone with no one. She abandoned me, i did ALOT for her, we reconciled 2 months later was about to move back in. It fell back apart when i asked why she felt moving out with no notice was acceptable (we weren't fighting), I said you needed alone time? you needed to say you could survive on your own? she said she was proud she got out of the place in 4 hrs, i responded with you're proud you left me in 4 hrs, she responded this is why we don't talk you make me want to cut myself. I was a KISA and she was a tyrant who I never held accountable over 13 years. She only ever saw me when she was threatened by other women. 3 weeks of fighting over stupid stuff she leaves, I always have loved her never been in anything else. It's very toxic but I'm scarred, and i think the letter would be to show she walked away from me having tried..... so more of the **** you aspect. probably best not to. My brother got a divorce he instructed me what to do. I just felt like i may have been able to do something, say something even if to just felt heard, never had a voice. its just alot of grief i guess. I don't even know how to date at 36.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I don't know your back story but you sound as if you place all your happiness in her hands. Your best way forward is to completely remove her from your life.
Read up on co-dependency. That letter will not get you the results your looking for. Keep up the 180 ..... do your best to move on. The grief is clouding your
good judgement right now and that is a difficult thing to get past....try your best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zodiac said:


> Yea, i don't know what it is. Dealing with a lot of grief. I was emotionally abused, I'm now alone with no one. She abandoned me, i did ALOT for her, we reconciled 2 months later was about to move back in. It fell back apart when i asked why she felt moving out with no notice was acceptable (we weren't fighting), I said you needed alone time? you needed to say you could survive on your own? she said she was proud she got out of the place in 4 hrs, i responded with you're proud you left me in 4 hrs, she responded this is why we don't talk you make me want to cut myself. I was a KISA and she was a tyrant who I never held accountable over 13 years. She only ever saw me when she was threatened by other women. 3 weeks of fighting over stupid stuff she leaves, I always have loved her never been in anything else. It's very toxic but I'm scarred, and i think the letter would be to show she walked away from me having tried..... so more of the **** you aspect. probably best not to. My brother got a divorce he instructed me what to do. I just felt like i may have been able to do something, say something even if to just felt heard, never had a voice. its just alot of grief i guess. I don't even know how to date at 36.


No do not break the 180 telling her that you forgive her. The 180 says to avoid talking about emotional stuff for a reason.

You have plenty of time to heal and then find someone new. Start out by just meeting new people and being social. Get out there and interact with people. That's how you meet someone new.

Also, you act like 36 is over the hill. You are still very young. I'm 69. Take it from me, you are young.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Zodiac said:


> Yea, i don't know what it is. Dealing with a lot of grief. I was emotionally abused, I'm now alone with no one. She abandoned me, i did ALOT for her, we reconciled 2 months later was about to move back in. It fell back apart when i asked why she felt moving out with no notice was acceptable (we weren't fighting), I said you needed alone time? you needed to say you could survive on your own? she said she was proud she got out of the place in 4 hrs, i responded with you're proud you left me in 4 hrs, she responded this is why we don't talk you make me want to cut myself. I was a KISA and she was a tyrant who I never held accountable over 13 years. She only ever saw me when she was threatened by other women. 3 weeks of fighting over stupid stuff she leaves, I always have loved her never been in anything else. It's very toxic but I'm scarred, and i think the letter would be to show she walked away from me having tried..... so more of the **** you aspect. probably best not to. My brother got a divorce he instructed me what to do. I just felt like i may have been able to do something, say something even if to just felt heard, never had a voice. its just alot of grief i guess. I don't even know how to date at 36.


So basically, you just want an excuse to once again have *some* kind of contact with her, and you've chosen the subject, "I forgive you" as your reason for doing it.

So who are you trying to convince that this feeble attempt to contact her with your _gift _of forgiveness is purely *altruistic* - us, or yourself? Cause *I* ain't falling for it. Quit scratching the bottom of the barrel desperately trying to find a suitable reason to reach out to someone who happily put you in her rear-view mirror for whatever reasons were her own.

You need to just back away from this train-wreck with dignity and grace. You've swallowed MORE than enough of your pride for this woman already.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No. Breaking the 180 is not what you need. Create a new life and quit focusing on her.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Writing a letter may be therapeutic, sending it would be weak. You are healing a bit everyday, don't backslide, stick to the 180.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

If you need to write a letter, do it, then burn it.

You're not writing a letter to forgive her, it's a passive aggressive bull**** move because you want to hear her say "you were right, I shouldn't have done it." Rest assured, she's not going to do that.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Zodiac said:


> Yea, i don't know what it is. Dealing with a lot of grief. I was emotionally abused, I'm now alone with no one. She abandoned me, i did ALOT for her, we reconciled 2 months later was about to move back in. It fell back apart when i asked why she felt moving out with no notice was acceptable (we weren't fighting), I said you needed alone time? you needed to say you could survive on your own? she said she was proud she got out of the place in 4 hrs, i responded with you're proud you left me in 4 hrs, she responded this is why we don't talk you make me want to cut myself. I was a KISA and she was a tyrant who I never held accountable over 13 years. She only ever saw me when she was threatened by other women. 3 weeks of fighting over stupid stuff she leaves, I always have loved her never been in anything else. It's very toxic but I'm scarred, and i think the letter would be to show she walked away from me having tried..... so more of the **** you aspect. probably best not to. My brother got a divorce he instructed me what to do. I just felt like i may have been able to do something, say something even if to just felt heard, never had a voice. its just alot of grief i guess. I don't even know how to date at 36.


Actually, you had no one when you were with her. Any one who cuts themselves has severe personality and mental issues. You do not make her want to cut herself--this is part of her that you can never fix. Grieve, if you wish, for your dream of what marriage should be--you never had that.

Work on yourself. Currently, you seem to be having trouble finding yourself without her. Learn to live your life being comfortable without being around so much drama. A mature person should be controlled by things within themselves, not outside things. (Children are dependent on outside things, but learn to mature as they grow in life.)

Time will be your friend. You can do this.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP I know exactly how you feel. I went thru it myself, when my wife left after 24 years. But as others have said, you don't owe her an apology or even a **** you letter. The only person you owe an apology to is yourself. You allowed yourself to be used and abused for all those years. Now, you want to go back to the only thing you know - the abuse. Because, otherwise you think you have nothing or nobody. But the reality is that the world offers you unlimited possibilities to find happiness. Eventually you will settle on a path that takes you there. In the meantime you need to avoid taking the path that brought you to where you are today. Repeating the past (as in apologizing) will only get you more of the same thing you already have (loneliness and despair). Choose a new path. Stay on the 180. Do not succumb to weakness for a temporary boost, instead look elsewhere. Be kind to yourself and focus on you.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Zodiac said:


> Yea, i don't know what it is. Dealing with a lot of grief. I was emotionally abused, I'm now alone with no one. She abandoned me, i did ALOT for her, we reconciled 2 months later was about to move back in. It fell back apart when i asked why she felt moving out with no notice was acceptable (we weren't fighting), I said you needed alone time? you needed to say you could survive on your own? she said she was proud she got out of the place in 4 hrs, i responded with you're proud you left me in 4 hrs, she responded this is why we don't talk you make me want to cut myself. I was a KISA and she was a tyrant who I never held accountable over 13 years. She only ever saw me when she was threatened by other women. 3 weeks of fighting over stupid stuff she leaves, I always have loved her never been in anything else. It's very toxic but I'm scarred, and i think the letter would be to show she walked away from me having tried..... so more of the **** you aspect. probably best not to. My brother got a divorce he instructed me what to do. I just felt like i may have been able to do something, say something even if to just felt heard, never had a voice. its just alot of grief i guess. I don't even know how to date at 36.


Dude, you are in your prime years. I divorced at 36 too, dating was way easier than in my 20's. 

Don't write her some sappy letter, she will just see you as weak and show all her Girlfriends and future boyfriends about her pathetic XH. You don't need that hanging out there. 

If its just a F U letter, that has no place when you are trying to divorce someone. Don't give them ammo or rattle their cage. You will just rack up more lawyer fees and get a worse settlement.

Take all that anger out at the gym. Get your life back in order. When you are feeling better/looking better, find some hot tinder dates and have some fun. It will get your confidence up.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She treated you like crap and abused you, do you think she gives half a damn about your forgiveness? Or your anger, or your pain, or your **** you? NOPE. Stop looking for excuses to contact her, trying to get some kind of crumbs of attention, or contrition, or ANYTHING from her. You are light years better off to have her out of your life, don't backslide now.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*NO!*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Only for this guy


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Sure Zodiac, write that letter is you want to remain in pain. I don't know, maybe you are pain shopping. She'll do what she's done before.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"The 180" is basically for your own well-being in getting over the memory of her placating your past with infidelity!

To internally forgive is certainly permissible! But to forget whatever was done to you can absolutely be fatal!

Keep the precepts of "your 180" intact and move on along!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Zodiac, you need counselling. Not to break the 180.


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