# *Respecting your spouse*



## turtles (Feb 1, 2015)

So I have been married for almost three years. It seems that

with each passing year he displays more apathy. Our sex life is 

pretty much non existent and every other aspect of our marriage 

has gone dry. He spent a complete year unemployed while I was

struggling to work so we could get by. He played video games 

from the moment he woke up, to the time he went to bed. He 

also failed two semesters in college.

Ive tried to talk to him calmly or in every manner I can think

of. Trying not to be rude, but rather helpful. I have felt rather 

alone and abandoned due to his interest in video games and

other activities. I can no longer approach him about anything.

He says im a broken record and if I have nothing new to say I 

I should just shut up. So I been promoted to doormat. I often 

think of divorce considering there is no intimate relationship. I 

have any times to initiate but it tends to go nowhere.

We had an argument the other day. I expressed my desire 

to communicate once more only to be told he has more 

important things to worry about. Then I got a list of things he 

worries about daily. Also that I dont know what I want and that 

im just sitting around letting the credits roll. So anyways I tried 

to explain I also worry about these things but he didnt want to 

hear what I had to say and ignore what I did say. Ending the 

argument the same as usual. I got a text that said night.

On days that I am home I dont get even that. I hate ending

on bad notes. So normally he displays general annoyance

and will either refer to me as crazy or insane for expressing my

sadness. When I cry he says im overreacting so I hide in the

bathroom and cry alone. On his list of worries and priorities, I 

was not included.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

It also sounds like he may have a mental illness that killed his motivation, among other things. A lot of people (mainly men) turn to video games to cope with depression and/or anxiety because it is a successful distraction. He might be acting out towards you because in talking to him about your concerns, you are reintroducing him to those things he is afraid of. It is not you specifically that he is upset with.

I'd suggest trying to coax him into seeing a doctor to talk about it. They can take a more in-depth look at him and decide whether therapy would be beneficial. 

Out of curiosity, how old are you guys?


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## turtles (Feb 1, 2015)

We are 23 and 24. I have suggested him seeking treatment and have even offered counseling as a couple so he wouldnt be alone. This causes more anger.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Three years and it is this bad? Time to fish or cut bait. Therapy--together or for yourself--is the place to start. No excuses; divorce is also expensive and if therapy can prevent that, great. Let him know you have made the appointment and expect him to go with you. If he does not go--or goes and does not participate--then you have your answer.

Also, don't get trapped by him doing just enough for you to stick around. He is either truly committed to change, or he is not.

And finally, remember that although he is the one exhibiting the more dysfunctional symptoms (according to your report), you will need to examine your own behaviors and ways you are contributing to marital discord. Sometimes that is by enabling, which is still on you to change. 

Good luck. Keep us posted.


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## turtles (Feb 1, 2015)

I am 100% willing to take fault for anything ive done wrong. The only deal is getting him to express why he is acting out in anger. Ive told him that this is not healthy. He has said things could be better but has actually said that things arent bad. He seems to be content. So then that is I guess where he believes I am imagining things. I was looking for a good therapist but the sessions are $350. Since I dont have the money I did go look up a book with many postive reviews and should have it within a few days. Crossing my fingers.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

turtles said:


> I am 100% willing to take fault for anything ive done wrong. The only deal is getting him to express why he is acting out in anger. Ive told him that this is not healthy. He has said things could be better but has actually said that things arent bad. He seems to be content. So then that is I guess where he believes I am imagining things. I was looking for a good therapist but the sessions are $350. Since I dont have the money I did go look up a book with many postive reviews and should have it within a few days. Crossing my fingers.


$350???? Keep looking! Not all are that expensive! You can expect to pay anywhere between $75 and $150, but not $350! My IC only charges $25 b/c she gets free space given to her at a local church. Our MC is $75 (still cheap), but SO's dr. for ADHD is $150.


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## turtles (Feb 1, 2015)

I will definitely seek more outside help because I believe my approaches could for sure be better. I sometimes even become frustrated by the amount of what is generally called bs. I am not in denial and I know I am unhappy. I will not stay forever if this continues. I know me and my partner deserve the best even if that doesnt involve each other.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is *always* affordable therapy available--you just need to look more, maybe drive further and go less often. Start with community services and go from there. 

My ex was lot like yours--except he wanted sex and had no interest in my pleasure or happiness, in or out of the bedroom. He once admitted that he saw himself as a man like his dad, despite the fact that his mom didn't work and I always have. Anyway, nothing was better than the 6 sessions I did on my own in therapy--I found the courage to move on. The relief I felt on making that decision was unbelievable, and you can read my post in "Life after Divorce" to see how happy I have been, basically since that moment. In fact, once I realized that the only thing making me unhappy was feeling guilty, I decided not to feel guilty any more--and it worked! I'm not saying you can or should follow the same path. Just my story, and we are all very different people. Marriages with children involved (no matter their age) are tougher to dissolve, emotionally and practically speaking.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

turtles said:


> We are 23 and 24. I have suggested him seeking treatment and have even offered counseling as a couple so he wouldnt be alone. This causes more anger.



I can imagine.

Maybe he needs a wake-up call. Booking an appointment yourself like sisters359 suggested, telling him you're done if he doesn't go with you. It might sound cruel, but sometimes people need more of a punch than a nudge for their own benefit.

Also like sisters359 said, there are always affordable options. If you speak to a doctor they should be able to point you in the right direction. This site also gives some helpful suggestions on where to look.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turtles said:


> So I have been married for almost three years. It seems that
> 
> with each passing year he displays more apathy. Our sex life is
> 
> ...


Divorce.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Divorce.


Yes. The only thing I would consider, given your age and his behavior.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He's a selfish, immature jerk with no motivation. Divorce him.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Divorce.


I thought you were against that? :scratchhead:


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## turtles (Feb 1, 2015)

I dont exactly understand the process of enabling. I feel that we should be learning from our mistakes but he typically makes the same ones over and over. I dont remind him of his failings as he does me for being a broken record. Im not feeling sorry for myself. I do feel down about how this marriage is coming to be. Im all for him succeeding in college and stuff like that. He claims he has no spare time. There will be times where he will be free for hours and still be not "available". I am also in school (on a short break currently). I fear that when my nursing and clinicals begin there will be no us. Ever.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It is not a loss, hon. Divorce him and look for a responsible man.


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## turtles (Feb 1, 2015)

I just want to say thank you for all of the supportive replies. A responsible partner. That sounds amazing . I dont want a slave, I want an equal who loves and understands my desire for closeness. I believe relationships are rather simple. Just complicated with people who feel entitled.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I would also recommended looking into divorce. There's a good chance he's just not going to change, in which case you're better off without him. But even if he has the potential to change, only a shock is going to snap him out of the state he's in now. Being nice to him won't.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

turtles said:


> I just want to say thank you for all of the supportive replies. A responsible partner. That sounds amazing . I dont want a slave, I want an equal who loves and understands my desire for closeness. I believe relationships are rather simple. Just complicated with people who feel entitled.


I think she loves her husband. She just wants back the man she married. However that happens. She is trying to figure out how to get that back. I'm not seeing she is ready to throw the towel in but she is thinking about it. I wish you the best of luck. You are showing you are a devoted wife with staying power.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> I thought you were against that? :scratchhead:


You're confusing me w/ someone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turtles, IF you are still reading here... how's it going?


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