# Ladies - I need advise



## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

Hello there ... this might sound like I am such an ass to be wanting to do this but i hope some of you could understand were I am coming from. My wife n I been married 4 years now.. and I have other problems in terms of marriage and commitmet but one of the main ones that seems to be on top of my list is my wife is and always have been more of a plain jane girl.. and i have grown to really appreciate beauty, fashion, the attitude, the need to be desired in ladies, and other similar qualities, jus that want and hunger to look good and sexy...and the best..... i love that in a girl.... my wife is a very nice kind hearted girl and has a heart of gold.. and we dont have any kids.. we r in our mid 20s. Now i am not tom cruise but i am little above average..and men r visual creatures... and i am such a sucker for beauty and style and attitude..... what r your thoughts...? have any of you made that transformation? .. is that even possible? does this has to come natural or can be developed.? thank you all


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Hi Confused guy. 

I wouldn't consider myself a plain Jane however I also would not call myself glamorous. As long as I'm clean and tidy then I'm happy to leave the house.

However, like you, my boyfriend likes to see me looking my best.

The way that he shows me his preferences are to be involved. By this I mean he comes shopping with me and gives me his opinion. When he is looking through a magazine he will show me things that he thinks would suit me (hair/dress/etc) when I change something he is very vocal about whether he likes it.

Example, the last couple of days I have done my hair so that my side fringe falls across my face instead of me pulling it back. Both days I have done it he has told me how pretty I look and how he really likes my hair that way. So I am now more inclined to wear my hair like that more often. 

Sounds small but if this becomes the norm surely it would not only improve your current problem but also your communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I'd agree - carrot vs stick! I'm not necessarily a plain jane but definitely a country girl happy in gardening trackie bottoms or jeans, sloppy jumpers, hair however the wind blew it when I last came indoors 
My OH (his ex was somewhat high maintenance and that proved a problem BUT she obviously made the most of herself) has made it clear he would rather I dolled myself up rather more:
he compliments me when I wear a skirt, says - admittedly sometimes with a resigned sigh - how nice my hair looks if I've taken trouble, ALWAYS notices makeup, particularly lipstick, so I'd hope you don't need to be pushing for a whole body makeover just a subtle shift of emphasis from little attention to detail to considerable attention to detail and the effect it has on you


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks so much for all this, I really appreciate it.. and yes I understood and i do my best to practice what I preach so i am being fair with her... i dont expect her to be supermodel while i am out of shape.. so i work at my shape and looks to her liking and also i do my best to take part in her beauty.. and compliement when she looks good.. and yes she does repeat those things but its still not her second nature. at times i feel liie she doesnt wanna do it or care about it but is doing it for me... which inturn makes me feel well i dont wanna force anybody.... to do what i want... but i d rather be with someone who does this by default.. and she can be with someone who doesnt care... again i know this sounds bad but honeslty rthe fact is that you women are the best creation of god.. when done right . even nature beaty cant compete with you... I am not talking about born beautifull.. but just making the best of what u got.. for the simple reason that u can and it would matter... cos u r beautifull... thats where I am coming from..... is it too much to think that i wish she had the desire to wanted by other men which in turn would make me attarcted to her even more... and proud and happy that she is mine.... idk.. I am sorry to be so fixeated on this but everybody has diff things they incline toward and I the kind of guy... who would get 10 jobs ... to provide and spoint every need and wants of urs if you could just... visually satisfy me.. every day... does this make any sense?


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I hear what you are saying and I don't think you are wrong for feeling this way, if you think it is important then that is all that matters .... But .... Surely you knew her personality before you married? If it did not cause a problem then has something changed to make it more important now? Has her personal upkeep declined? If so then I do not think you out of line bringing it to her attention, sensitively. 

But like I said, if she is the same now as when you married, why is it now a problem?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

well, trneton saw me go from uber plain jane to the nth degree, to where her husband has been laughing that I am now wearing "normal" clothes LMAO Seriously, not kidding HAHA

Still not what I would call flashy, but I lost enough weight, tried on a few things I never thought would look decent and found out I LOVED IT!!!!! Found heels that make arse look WAY better than it really does  WOOOHOOO, and learned how to use some basics of make up, though still relying on my trusty color by number eyeshadows from Loreal HAHA

Honestly, I just found out one day that I COULD look really good, the more I found that out, the more I wanted to find my fashion, play dress up and such. Now when I go out with the SO, he always feels underdressed in his jeans and sweatshirts, while I am dressed up, but I don't mind at all because I am really dressing up just for me, not for him (though he never seems to complain about it  )


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

JJG said:


> I hear what you are saying and I don't think you are wrong for feeling this way, if you think it is important then that is all that matters .... But .... Surely you knew her personality before you married? If it did not cause a problem then has something changed to make it more important now? Has her personal upkeep declined? If so then I do not think you out of line bringing it to her attention, sensitively.
> 
> But like I said, if she is the same now as when you married, why is it now a problem?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excellent question JJG and I rthink the answer to your question is that I got married too young.. which is truly the underlying or overaching problem here... i got married at 22.. i m,et her during college and to be very honet.. i was so overpowered by having a career .. about my historical family troubles... etc that i neevr thought about beauty, or what attracts me.. but now i am 26 and over the years i have seen things learned things.. see women out there.. putting there best foot forward.. so as wrong as it was.. my marriage to her was because i had no choice i had to stay in the country and i hoped my liking will turn into love.. so i did not see or care for attraction.. she was a nice compassionate girl..who loved me... that all i saw... and yes sex was tons of fun when we were dating but that was cos i dint see her everyday.. and i was her first and only.. so it was all me teaching.. . so i think the only thing that has changed is that i have grown and see whats else is out there... how good girls can look. how well can they keep themselves... and i wish i had a wife like that....n see i am lucky that she is good with money, understanding, compromising etc tec.. which most people struggle with but this one thing she cant seem to conquer... keeping me attartced to her.... trust me i am not comparing her to a pornstar or super model. no.. i am realisic.. but its the little thing slike u said.. do the hair this way.. put the clothing that makes ur body desirable.. my wife seemed to have already moved on to thinking about becoming a mother..and i am like " you went front being a good young teenage girl straight to soccermom mentality... ??? what happeend to the early 20.s lets enjoy our youth.. lets explore our talents, our desires.. make a few mistakes may be and pleasure etc...


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

woodstock said:


> well, trneton saw me go from uber plain jane to the nth degree, to where her husband has been laughing that I am now wearing "normal" clothes LMAO Seriously, not kidding HAHA
> 
> Still not what I would call flashy, but I lost enough weight, tried on a few things I never thought would look decent and found out I LOVED IT!!!!! Found heels that make arse look WAY better than it really does  WOOOHOOO, and learned how to use some basics of make up, though still relying on my trusty color by number eyeshadows from Loreal HAHA
> 
> Honestly, I just found out one day that I COULD look really good, the more I found that out, the more I wanted to find my fashion, play dress up and such. Now when I go out with the SO, he always feels underdressed in his jeans and sweatshirts, while I am dressed up, but I don't mind at all because I am really dressing up just for me, not for him (though he never seems to complain about it  )


Thanks woodstock... you said it right there... just in ur response i can tell that it hit you one day and then stuck with it.. cos somwhere inside of you a lightbulb went off syaing.. " oh look- how sexy i can posisbly look." that what i need .. how did u get there.. i bet u saw others girls.. or couples.. and u had to have gone thru a stage where u said... " hey why cant i look lik that....? for that u have to have appreciation for good looks and actually care.. like i am a man but honeslty i am not ashamed to admit this that i notice even the slightes things in girl.. like when u walk past the mirroe.. that random glare as ur ass., when ur sitting . the way u put ur hands or legs,, when ur at the beach ... how to dress cute even if ur not he hottest girl in town, i can go on n on.. on but thats what i am talking about... the inner drive to be wanted and desired.. i see girls inmy office who have it and it just plays games with my mind.... my wife doesnt seem to have that DNA where .." oo his wife looks better than me.. i need to step it up... i am not saying do it to keep me around.. but do it to for ur own self esteem and make me happy in the process... just like i will promise to not get a beer belly.., shave my chest & down there. if u dont like it, not wear swets on sundays cos u dont wanna be walking around in the mall with a bum... how off am i here? ...


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Ah now I see that the problem is a lot bigger.

My question is, say your wife did as you asked and made some changes every now and then to look better, do you think that it would really be enough to make you happy? Or would there be another small problem to fix after that? And then another?

I'm wondering if its the marriage that is the real problem.

My advise is to have a very serious think. If you truely love your wife and want to be with her forever(not just convenience), bring up this issue and try to work to a compromise. It is the only option.

But if you discover that the problem is much deeper than your original post suggests then it is not fair on either of you to stay in the marriage. You both deserve to be happy and in love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

FYI I would like to add that I am pro marriage and would love to hear that you can work this through with your wife 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

good point JJ and I you r right this is not the only problem but what i am not sure of if this all will go away eventually as i grwo old... i mean today as i see myself.. i wanna be single i wanna go out i wanna party and test the waters.. and ofcurse everybody knwos that it gets old but what i am saying is that i dont like the idea of commitment today... but may be tommorow i d like it... so do i wait to see if all these things clear my mind out n then i already a waife who i ahve apast with n who is willing to do anything for me?. or do i believe how i am feeling today , get out... and try to pursue this fanatasy life that i wanna have with a sexy beautiful girl... for some sick reason i have tis idea of trophy wife in my head and i cant help but feel i can do better... at times i feel yes most guys say hey grass is not greener but if i get out today i cans take my time find a girl then take as much time as i want to se if i am ready and she is one ..... unlike what i did 5 yrs ago... but then i am riskgin a past that i have with my wife for over 7 yeras... she was the one i met as a teenage.. she is the on who was at my graduation, we went thru a scary preg scare together... etc tec.. whch i think bonded us... .. i am just not sure sure how much of all this thats in my head fluff and how much is reality which i shouldnt ignore..... i am sorryy i been alone for quite some time .. making my own desicion and woring my way so i dont ever need or ask for help but this is very difficult for me... this involves feelings.. and i am in real life much of a mterial guy.. money cars, vacations big house.. those r my driving factors.... i am not a cold hearted person but i i am saying i have balls to pretty much do anything alone but this one thing i am so lost......i amost wish she hated me a little or had some easily identifyle flaws and i would out no problem.... but damn i had to marry the nicest girl in the world...


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

This is meant as a thought, or to provoke thought, not as a criticism implied or otherwise: You mention material things, having made much of your belief that (maybe too late - or just in time, depending on your definition) you might have made the 'lesser', 'plainer' or 'just plain wrong' wife-choice when younger
Did you acquire or achieve the material things through your own damned hard work either as an employee or entrepeneur - were you happy with your wife until you acquired these material things - you mention 'trophy' 'beautiful sexy wife' - which is more important, the trophy or the beautiful sexy wife, because they are definitely not one and the same thing: your wife, it could be argued, should be beautiful to you, and sexy to you (just taking away for a teeny moment the fact you've decided maybe she isn't sufficiently beautiful or sexy in your current mindset)
Do you think there's the slightest chance you've been passively down on her ref admiring other more 'trophy' sexy women - or reducing your compliments of her (if you ever gave them - forgive me if I've forgotten from your earlier posts)
If you resolve any or all of these questions still may not bring you to allround resolution: I'm nowhere near the trophy wife of my ex's previous (though with the application of tons of slap and a grand's worth of clothes and hair colour I reckon I'd far outshine her despite having 7 years on her!!!!) BUT he liked the fact my brain is far and away better than any of his previous - and therein, though it helps you none - is OUR problem - I'm too much of a challenge!! LOL
So maybe your wife is too sweet, too good and you do actually want the trophy, or maybe you just need a bit more soulsearching, or both - no, I haven't reached a conclusion or any advice either, just figured a few more observations couldn't hurt!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Confused Guy:

It doesn't sound real good that you want to be single again, testing waters. I can understand your wanting MORE from your wife, more Ohmmmph , more SPICE, more enticement from her end in how she carries herself , dresses, I think many men would like this in their wives. After marraige to still put on that makeup & act like you just came to the door to pick them up. Too often we get content & loose these things. 

Sometimes marrying those nice sweet loving girls who are perfect in every way in "Goodness" turn out to be not too awful much fun in the dirtier aspects of what men THINK about. Some are very conservative, MOMMY oriented, lives to settle down with the white picket fence, homemaking, sewing, you get the picture, THIS is their enjoyments, their fullfillments, they don't think on much else. 

I used to be THAT kind of girl, old fashioned, all about making a good home, having babies, and you know what, I never once cared to put on some lingerie-just didn't enter the brain, I dressed in Little house on the prairie type nightgowns, what I felt good in was dressing in sun dresses, I prided myself on how much $$ I saved - more than spicing up my sex life or enticing my husband. Shame shame. (I never forgot the makeup though!)

This all changed for me -but darn it took way too long, in my 40's! It took a Mid Life Crisis to wake me up ! And realize, where did all the years go, we missed out on So much FUN! why didnt we take erotic pictures back THEN before we had kids, why didn't I dress in lingerie & tease my husband, why didn't he buy me any! WHY WHY WHY. 

If you feel this way, please talk to your wife, does she have any idea what these little things could do* for YOU*. Some women are just so uneducated about men, what they deeply desire & want, it helps to be clued into our men. For me, I had a "repressed" mindset in the sexual arena, felt bad girls dressed like that, acted like that. I have even had thoughts that women who dressed like that -was almost asking to get raped ! (I know this is terrible!) Not realizing it is GOOOOODDDDD to ACT this way at home with your husband ! It can make your marriage so much more EXCITING and FUN! I wish I could go back in time. 

You & her are young, don't waste these years. Women are often very inhibited sexually, their husbands need to help them out of this as much as they can. If she feels you want someone else though and she is not enough, this will destroy her . So tread carefully. 

I know this wasn't originally about sex, but I do believe the women who dress the way you are noticing, are MORE into sex, I think it just goes with the mentaility. Correct me if I am wrong.

IF your wife dressed more to catch your eye, acted more flirtatious in your presence, do you feel this would be enough for you ? What are you really looking for? 

I get where you are coming from. I understand the allure of having the opposite sex noticing who you are with, how that makes you feel - proud, elated somehow. This is normal in my opionion. Just like we are proud of our children for winning a race, or getting an award. BUt it can be taken too far, the trophy wife thing, I think that is more about IMPRESSING others -than just taking pride in what a beautiful wife you have. 

Take her on a romantic vacation, buy some HOT lingerie for her, check out Ebay hot lingerie items - Get great deals on Clothing, Shoes Accessories, Baby items on eBay.com! 

See how she responds to these outfits, open up the dialog, show her how much you are INTO her, can't resist her, she may just eat that up!


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

Thank you madimoff and yes ur observations r def valid and worth mentioning... this is very touchy subject as no matter how i put my feelings.. it is a very chance that it will come acrros as a husband who is not perfect himself somhow trygint o compaling about his non perfect wife... i am not saying thats what ur point is but i understand and appreciate that response.. bottom line is... those materail things have absoololty nothing to do with my wife... i am embitous guy and she has done nothing but supported me throughout it all... i if iwere to walk awya tommorow.. i am willing to give her every penny and walk out with just rthe clothes on my back... and i wont have any problems.... she is a very nice n kindhearted person... and thats why i appreciate her but eeryperson is diff... what floatds my boat might sink urs.... you r saying that a wife should be beautiful and sexy to her husband.,.. yes but rnt u now describing a perfect world and i know there peopel who live like that .. i am not that perfect... i think we live in a soceity and learn from it and get burned by it at times.... and in that society if there is something thats better than another then everybody will flock towards the better thing rather than thinking " oh what i have is better to me " people who do that are angesl from heaven and god bless their souls but the way i see the world .. unrecognized good is not good.... aka.. there are woman out there who every day have an understanding that they need to use there assets to charm other .. period... there husband happens to be one of them..... same goes for men.... we are appealing when we r successful, have our own place, financial stable.. have a huge **** and if not then really know how to use the average one..... etc tec..so it goes bothways.... u said it perfectlty.. u were too much of a challange,,,, i live for challanges... it will be awesome to have a woman.. who knows she is good and keeps me around just like I keep her around..... n this does not negate the value of love... but there is a price and value in trying to become the cream of the crop.... moving up in taxbrackest and looks. being part of the elite crew...... but u r absololty right on the fact that yes i may have made a wrong choice.... but i was too stupid n naive to even make a choice of that kind...... n here i am ... wondering whats next... QUOTE=madimoff;272393]This is meant as a thought, or to provoke thought, not as a criticism implied or otherwise: You mention material things, having made much of your belief that (maybe too late - or just in time, depending on your definition) you might have made the 'lesser', 'plainer' or 'just plain wrong' wife-choice when younger
Did you acquire or achieve the material things through your own damned hard work either as an employee or entrepeneur - were you happy with your wife until you acquired these material things - you mention 'trophy' 'beautiful sexy wife' - which is more important, the trophy or the beautiful sexy wife, because they are definitely not one and the same thing: your wife, it could be argued, should be beautiful to you, and sexy to you (just taking away for a teeny moment the fact you've decided maybe she isn't sufficiently beautiful or sexy in your current mindset)
Do you think there's the slightest chance you've been passively down on her ref admiring other more 'trophy' sexy women - or reducing your compliments of her (if you ever gave them - forgive me if I've forgotten from your earlier posts)
If you resolve any or all of these questions still may not bring you to allround resolution: I'm nowhere near the trophy wife of my ex's previous (though with the application of tons of slap and a grand's worth of clothes and hair colour I reckon I'd far outshine her despite having 7 years on her!!!!) BUT he liked the fact my brain is far and away better than any of his previous - and therein, though it helps you none - is OUR problem - I'm too much of a challenge!! LOL
So maybe your wife is too sweet, too good and you do actually want the trophy, or maybe you just need a bit more soulsearching, or both - no, I haven't reached a conclusion or any advice either, just figured a few more observations couldn't hurt![/QUOTE]


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Confused Guy:
> 
> It doesn't sound real good that you want to be single again, testing waters. I can understand your wanting MORE from your wife, more Ohmmmph , more SPICE, more enticement from her end in how she carries herself , dresses, I think many men would like this in their wives. After marraige to still put on that makeup & act like you just came to the door to pick them up. Too often we get content & loose these things.
> 
> ...



Thanks so much... you hit the nail on the head... thats exaclty where i stand today.... will this olve everything i dont know but i think this will really really help me get a lot closer to a solution.... and ur saying it hit you .. just like that one day... that u could look better.. u could have the attitide.. ur could have some flirty fun... and sex is def part of it.... i mean most couple donthave sex on weekdays but i am horny every day... tored but i can def get it up... now the next step is i come home and wifey has something sexy on... and not on purpose either.. is it too much to ask for this to become just part of regualr lifestyel n wardrobe... sexy shorts.. girly hairstyles.. beauty is not always in tons of makup but more of knowing how u r looking at all times.... hell yes.. i would bang the hell out of her.. every day... i have a very high sex drive but it only works for surprises... i need change... and right now i have a problem where i need a diff vagina at times but i have been able to control that... our sex is good.. but its not magical.. cos she is nowhere as wild as i could love... now how do i possibly inject that in her.... she gets very horny and would love sex more than i would but i m missing that lust in her eyes.... i ahve talked to her but its not just sex .. its eveything about her lifestyle... and i dontknow at what point it is wrong for me to want something thats just int there..... hope some of this makes sense.... i wish u could come over and give a brain makeover and the light buld u had at 40 goes off at 26....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Does your wife know you are on here - if so, have her read my thread - all speaking from someone who very much wishes I could go back in time & be that way in my youth. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...sets-collide-sexually-repressed-awakened.html 

Too many women are sexually repressed when they are younger, due to parental upbringing, religious beliefs, what they have been taught, etc. I am sooo happy to have come out of my cage so to speak -away from this mindset that plagued my thinking. Husband couldn't be happier, but darn, peeing around till your 40's to have this kind of revelation is a bit rediculous! Now I want to dress & act like an 18 yr old seductive madly in lust girlfriend , something is a bit wrong with this picture. 

Your wive needs a few "cougar" mentors I think. Ha ha


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Does your wife know you are on here - if so, have her read my thread - all speaking from someone who very much wishes I could go back in time & be that way in my youth. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...sets-collide-sexually-repressed-awakened.html
> 
> Too many women are sexually repressed when they are younger, due to parental upbringing, religious beliefs, what they have been taught, etc. I am sooo happy to have come out of my cage so to speak -away from this mindset that plagued my thinking. Husband couldn't be happier, but darn, peeing around till your 40's to have this kind of revelation is a bit rediculous! Now I want to dress & act like an 18 yr old seductive madly in lust girlfriend , something is a bit wrong with this picture.
> 
> Your wive needs a few "cougar" mentors I think. Ha ha


no she does not know i am on here.. ..i guess i needed a place where i could express and think clealry and indipedentlty without having to worry about feeling guilty about what i am or could be doing to her... but ur so right.. .. u might find this funny.. but i am sooooo attarcted to cougers who know how to ut themselves together... like i mean u can think i am just like a pervy man who appreciates anthing that has boobs but i am being honest.... i relaly appreciate a woman who knows her assets and is not afraid to embrace them beautifulluy.. i mean i see mons with 2-3 kids.. whio r like mid 30s and just stunning... so the point i am trying to make is its not just about young flesh body etc... its about how u maintain n caryy urself.. so ur pleasing on eyes... ur husbands or others n have that grrr atttidue.. about ur sexualtiy and confidence... like ur describing what u seems to have... i am not saying take control everytime but ... female body is so amazing...
embrace.. be proud to show it. and please peoples eyes by looking sexy n good. ... am i wrong here ???


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

I just have to chime in here on the other side of what some of these posters are saying. I have some problems with the male double standard of requiring their wives to be trophies. The pressure that some men place on their wives to be appealing "objects" that reflect positively on their husbands is no different from women who push their husbands to the brink of a heart attack to be huge wage earners. It's shallow and selfish. I would never expect a man to earn a six figure salary just to keep me in style...I would assume that most men would find women like that extremely superficial and high maintenance. I've talked to many men who complain that women are shallow and only want men for their money. But, by the same token, you are coming across as superficial and high maintenance by wanting arm candy for a wife. See the double standard?


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> I just have to chime in here on the other side of what some of these posters are saying. I have some problems with the male double standard of requiring their wives to be trophies. The pressure that some men place on their wives to be appealing "objects" that reflect positively on their husbands is no different from women who push their husbands to the brink of a heart attack to be huge wage earners. It's shallow and selfish. I would never expect a man to earn a six figure salary just to keep me in style...I would assume that most men would find women like that extremely superficial and high maintenance. I've talked to many men who complain that women are shallow and only want men for their money. But, by the same token, you are coming across as superficial and high maintenance by wanting arm candy for a wife. See the double standard?


Thank you myopia 1964 for chiming in and i appreciate ur opinion.. you r absoloulty right about this coming across as a double standard.. but i will try to explain my point to you again and see if i make sense..take it for what it is worth... i am the biggest feminist out there... and i truly honeslty believe that woman r the best creation of god... hands down... i believe they r superior to men ( not is a sick physco way but just cos woman to me represent nurturing, and caring, and loving n make this world soft n beautifull... no the need for wanting a tropghy wife has nothing to do double standards inmy opinion.. whil eit has everyting to do with wanting the best out of spouse like it would be expected of you... in my earlier post i said i am not expecting this from withut her giving her anything... i pay attention to things she likes and do them to make her feel proud of being with me... yes it is very nice and polit to be happy with what u have but what is really wrong with trying to encourage ur spouse to bring out the best... forgive me but i am thankful if my wife slaps my belly if she sees it growin and tells me to get in under control.. or when on a sunday i dont shave she rubs her hand over my face and gives me the signal that i should shave.. this is not her being shallow .. it makes me happy cos she is trying to make me better make me perfect.. and wanted which in the end will help my own self esteem as this will then become my second nature.... men n woman that expect thing without giving anything in return are naive and kidds in my opiion... yes it si wrong for a wife to drive her husband crazy to make more money so she can buy a lotion but there is nothing wrong in my opinion if my wife knows i have potential and it will make me happy too if i made more money so she encourages me... to may be think of a new job..etc tec... why is it that marriage is all about compromise and acceptance.. whatver happend to adapting with time and keeping that lure and spark ignited.. in accordance with social standards n not just urs... what r ur thoughts..?


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

> so as wrong as it was.. my marriage to her was because i had no choice i had to stay in the country and i hoped my liking will turn into love.. so i did not see or care for attraction.. she was a nice compassionate girl..who loved me... that all i saw..


So, you married (a virgin), not because you fell in love with someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but so that you could stay in the country? And you didn't love her, nor were you attracted to her? And now you want to dump her and go find a hot, sexy babe who turns you on?

Am I correct in this assumption? And, if I am, why am I the first person who is asking about this? If I am correct, I'm disgusted.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Confused,
Do you make a WAY above average income? Because "glamorous" women tend to "stay" with men who have glamorous paychecks. Helps pay for all that expensive clothing and jewelry they love.




Confused guy said:


> Thanks so much for all this, I really appreciate it.. and yes I understood and i do my best to practice what I preach so i am being fair with her... i dont expect her to be supermodel while i am out of shape.. so i work at my shape and looks to her liking and also i do my best to take part in her beauty.. and compliement when she looks good.. and yes she does repeat those things but its still not her second nature. at times i feel liie she doesnt wanna do it or care about it but is doing it for me... which inturn makes me feel well i dont wanna force anybody.... to do what i want... but i d rather be with someone who does this by default.. and she can be with someone who doesnt care... again i know this sounds bad but honeslty rthe fact is that you women are the best creation of god.. when done right . even nature beaty cant compete with you... I am not talking about born beautifull.. but just making the best of what u got.. for the simple reason that u can and it would matter... cos u r beautifull... thats where I am coming from..... is it too much to think that i wish she had the desire to wanted by other men which in turn would make me attarcted to her even more... and proud and happy that she is mine.... idk.. I am sorry to be so fixeated on this but everybody has diff things they incline toward and I the kind of guy... who would get 10 jobs ... to provide and spoint every need and wants of urs if you could just... visually satisfy me.. every day... does this make any sense?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Confused you seem very shallow.

I love to dress a certain way, but I am very feminine and girlie, I love dresses, and wearing some makeup, nice shoes etc. I like my SO to appreciate the effort I put in and to let me know.
But my SO tells me he loves me and that I look good no matter what. I got really sick last year and had to go to hospital, I looked like death warmed up and he still said he thought I was beautiful.:yay:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Confused guy said:


> i was so overpowered by having a career .. about my historical family troubles... etc that i neevr thought about beauty, or what attracts me............ my marriage to her *was because i had no choice i had to stay in the country **and i hoped my liking will turn into love*.. so i did not see or care for attraction.. she was a nice compassionate girl..who loved me... that all i saw... and yes sex was tons of fun when we were dating but that was cos i dint see her everyday.. and i was her first and only.. so it was all me teaching.. . so i think the only thing that has changed is that i have grown and see whats else is out there...


 As Pam mentioned, I think I missed this also. You say you had "NO CHOICE" -and it was about staying in the country?

Whatever you do, don't have any kids till you sort through this with her, and have "*peace*" about your marraige, what YOU want out of life (deeply examinating yourself -you can use these forums for that ) and what she wants and if you both can find a happy satisfying place, a connection that can last. 

You don't want to go through your marraige pining over other women excessively, she will "FEEL" this & only plumment into depression, insecurity and pain, she will not be a happy wife. Even you said this is not fair to her. No woman (or man) deserves this, we all want our spouses to be "head over heels" for us, desiring us , even in our "down" times as Syrum shared. 

Some men crave "variety" a little TOO much -for women to EVER understand or would want to live with. I believe some are seriously NOT cut out for Monogomy , at least in their YOUTH when their mind is RAGING on every women who walks past feeling almost compelled to chase (testosterone's curse) , this WILL ease up as you grow older. 

It is one thing to "notice" some hot women walking down the street, on the job, a little enticement from outside the marraige and *happily* bring it all back home & Lavish it on the wife you love (after all the majority use a little fantasy)....BUT if you are growing BORED with her, restless, you find you are constantly comparing her, wanting her to BE something else, act like someone else, if these things plague you --this is not going to work. Your mindset will have to change in regards to what is good , sacred & what marraige IS. Or you will have to let her go. 

There may be HOPE if you both come a little towards the other, determined to please --if she indulges your 'dirty' desires, steps it up a little in her dress, attitude (educate for this to happen, go shopping- flirt with her, tease) and YOU reign yourself in some, calm the raging beast. (Maybe some meditation- prayer ??) 

The grass is NOT always Greener . If married life appeals to you, you owe to to yourself & your wife to work on these things before calling it quits. But ultimately we are who we are, we can only cage So much of what is inside of us. At least that is how I think. 

Only YOU can judge this, if you are capable of staying true, living within these monogomous boundaries.


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

Thank you all for your opinions and thoughts.. I respect ur critisizm and understand it.... but all i am doing here is tyring to be hones tiwh a mistake i made 5 yrs ago... being able to leave the country or not my only motivation to marry her. i was with her for few years and i liked her... and thats all i thought waht love was... i was 21 i was young naive ... so this is not about me using someone else for my benefit rather me making a desicing at a very naive age... may be u all were smart n amazing people at 21 but i wasnt.... thats the reality and i am here today thinking about rathter than cheating or doing all the crap that men in reality do and the woman finds out the hard way...?? and ur disgusted by me..??? realy.. then what would u say when i started cheating.. and then u as my wife found out somehow.... at that point i should have bee shot in ur book of rules .... no disrespect but don u think u need to work on ur standards a but and be more accpeting and open minded to peoples situations. ... getting mad or sending harsh messages back sit the answer.. and this is not the place to to tell someone how is it... i know what the reaoity and I know what i need to do... but this place was for me to express my inner feelings n see if someone out there could understand n connect...... the divorce rate is this amazing free country is over 60% n increasing...and your telling me the peoples heart or minds dont change.... these are people who were in love.. madly.. then somehow move apart... atleast i am not siting here claiming that iw as madely in love with her.... i am admitimgm my fault and blaming myself ror not knowin what i was doing and now i do realisr whgat an major desicion that is.... un likes msot men that i am sure u all know.. that either cut the cord.. let their wives to cry and be dpressed and just look the way ... or just cheat and disrespect them that way..... i am not doing either of them..... humans r not perfect .. **** happens ok.... what this forum n this place is supposed to.. do is underdtand and then logically suggest a solutions like simply amorous. did.. n thank you fot that... i a not having kids till i know what i am doing.. and I am considering counseling as well.... represent this place. get an open mind.. or get off...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

CG,

I didn't finish all of the posts. I will do my best to tell you my opinion. 

I think it is a shame that women stop putting on effort making themselves attractive after they get married. Before they get married, they do their best to make them look pretty and attractive to their men so they can get the men, but after the rings on the fingers, they think their relationship is secure, and they let go of themselves. Some of them become heavy, some of them start wearing sloppy clothes, some of them don't do their hair nicely anymore. It is really a turn off for men. And I think it is a wrong attitude for women to have. 

Rings and marriage certificates don't help you keep your men anymore. We know clearly that it is the truth. How much effort you put into your marriage helps you keep your men. There are many keys, one key is to always keep yourself pretty and sexy. Men are visual, we just can't deny that. People can argue that men are shallow if they focus too much on appearance, people argue that love is unconditional, after you are married, no matter what, you have to stick to your vow. If life is so simple now, then there won't be so many divorce cases. 

You have to communicate with your wife about what's in your mind. She has to know that. And she has to know the importance of it. She might feel hurt at the beginning, but for the long term of your marriage, she has to know that and she has to realize that making herself sexy is important. If women put on make up and sexy clothes, even a plain looking girl can look gorgeous and charming. Actually most women look pretty, a lot of them look plain because they don't put much effort on their clothes and make up. 

I let my husband choose what I wear, my clothes and my lingerie. I keep my hair long because he likes long hair. He has good taste. I have this idea, it is him who looks at me 24/7, so let him design me! I don't feel I am just a property, I don't feel it is demeaning! I feel it is a loving gesture from me. He is happy, he dotes his love on me!


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> CG,
> 
> I didn't finish all of the posts. I will do my best to tell you my opinion.
> 
> ...


Green Pearl!!!! Where the *beep*. have you been... thank so you and for the loce of god i couldnt not agree anymore with you.. thank you for understanding the viewpoint of keeping the attraction and all.. it does not mean u need to feel like a product or a object but its more like u get to explore n show off the assets u got... its so simpel to me... but its amazing how mnay ladies seem to think its sucha shallow thing to ask.. and on top of that its BOTHWAYS. in my opinion no man should ask his wife to look like a supermodel if he is aslob on the couch... thats nonsense.. an i do my best to do that.... but the pob is my wife just doesnt seem to have that bulb in her... her attitude towards looking good or wanting to be desired seems very timid.. like for example... past weekend.. we were in the house.. sitting around having out morning coffee and i noticed a stray cat in our backyard so so i told her about and she is animal lover so she wanted to go out and pet see the cat.. now she has gained a little waight due to hormonal reasons and i am very supportive of her an we r working on getting medicine.. so her own clothes r notffitin right now so she been sort of leting it loose.. and she wanted to wlak out just like that hair all messed etc tec... so i said u sure u wnana go out like that.. n she was like its my house.. my backyard... i dont need a daddy... n not that i am trying to control or anything but should she think.. oh i kidna want my neighbours to think we r a beautiful sexy couple n it starts here.. with her knowing what she loks like... i am not put make up on but tie ur hair and put something semi appealing... how do you develop that insiticn tin a woman.. is that even possible..?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I hope (like to think) I haven't been uber-judgemental earlier in this thread, but honestly are you saying that it's ok for her to be sitting in sloppy joes because she's more comfortable that way with you having coffee but she's somehow letting you and your 'couple image' down if she lets herself be seen by neighbours looking like that _in her own back yard_ ?
Now if you'd said you thought she should be looking a little bit more 'prettied up' sitting with you, to ensure her man was seeing her at least show willing, I'd have kind of understood!
One rule for you, one for others seeing, it SOUNDS like: maybe I've got it wrong, hopefully I have


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

madimoff said:


> I hope (like to think) I haven't been uber-judgemental earlier in this thread, but honestly are you saying that it's ok for her to be sitting in sloppy joes because she's more comfortable that way with you having coffee but she's somehow letting you and your 'couple image' down if she lets herself be seen by neighbours looking like that _in her own back yard_ ?
> Now if you'd said you thought she should be looking a little bit more 'prettied up' sitting with you, to ensure her man was seeing her at least show willing, I'd have kind of understood!
> One rule for you, one for others seeing, it SOUNDS like: maybe I've got it wrong, hopefully I have


Thanks madimoff. and thanks for saying that about ur commets.. listen i am more than happy to take hits and crtizim. but in way that allows all of us to learn of it.. not jumping to conclusion just because u feel a certain way about a certain situation... thats what i was angry about people judjing.. there r people ehr on their 4 5 marriage telling other people about commitment... i mean common.... 
anyways.. let me be clear... i woud LOOOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.. for her to look prettied at all times.. in or out of the house... however. i understand if inthe house she feels like throwing something loose every now n then and just for the moment or what hav you... cos but yes when she is out .. i wanna be proud of her.. its not shallow .. when u have something good.. its not a crime to show it off .. most owman look at it ." oh jees why r u treating her like a property n not human".. which is such an opposite of truth... the imp thing they r missing is that it is good.. n thats whay men wanna show it off. put her up on the pedesal cos she is beautiful inside n out...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Confused guy said:


> Green Pearl!!!! Where the *beep*. have you been... thank so you and for the loce of god i couldnt not agree anymore with you.. thank you for understanding the viewpoint of keeping the attraction and all.. it does not mean u need to feel like a product or a object but its more like u get to explore n show off the assets u got... its so simpel to me... but its amazing how mnay ladies seem to think its sucha shallow thing to ask.. and on top of that its BOTHWAYS. in my opinion no man should ask his wife to look like a supermodel if he is aslob on the couch... thats nonsense.. an i do my best to do that.... but the pob is my wife just doesnt seem to have that bulb in her... her attitude towards looking good or wanting to be desired seems very timid.. like for example... past weekend.. we were in the house.. sitting around having out morning coffee and i noticed a stray cat in our backyard so so i told her about and she is animal lover so she wanted to go out and pet see the cat.. now she has gained a little waight due to hormonal reasons and i am very supportive of her an we r working on getting medicine.. so her own clothes r notffitin right now so she been sort of leting it loose.. and she wanted to wlak out just like that hair all messed etc tec... so i said u sure u wnana go out like that.. n she was like its my house.. my backyard... i dont need a daddy... n not that i am trying to control or anything but should she think.. oh i kidna want my neighbours to think we r a beautiful sexy couple n it starts here.. with her knowing what she loks like... i am not put make up on but tie ur hair and put something semi appealing... how do you develop that insiticn tin a woman.. is that even possible..?


A lot of Chinese and Taiwanese women don't put much effort on their appearance either after they get married, especially if they are married to red necks. 

She is western, I am afraid that she has strong attitude. 

People like to think, hey, this is my body, this is my place, this is my right, I can do whatever I like. Yes, you can do whatever you like, but other people are bothered. If you are not bothered, then it is fine, the problem is that you are bothered and looking sexy is important to you. She is your wife, in order for you to feel happy and appreciated, she'd better think more about that attitude, or she is going to lose something precious in her life. 

Couples are supposed to look sexy and great for each other, and for health issue, people should watch out their weight, don't wait to the time when it is serious and it is beyond help. 

I hate to fight with people, especially strong willed people. You tell them something, they are offended right away, they don't even think one more second that what I suggest is good for them. I don't know about your wife. I don't know what kind of attitude she will have if you try to communicate with her about this issue. 

Some women tend to get bothered and store resentment in their heart if you don't communicate nicely and clearly enough, and for this kind of thing, no matter how nicely you put, she will feel offended and think that you are trying to control her, it is very wrong for them to think like that, but they do think like that, there is nothing you can do.

If possible, sit down with her, have a sincere talk with her, tell her what's in your mind and tell her your goal is for you and her to have a long term happy marriage, tell her looking sexy is important for you, tell her you want to buy sexy clothes and lingerie for her, tell her you want nicely combed hairstyle. But please talk to her in a mild tone, respectful and lovingly. 

If you have somewhere she wants you to work on, you have to consider her opinion too. A spouse will put effort into her or his marriage if she or he sees the other spouse is trying very hard to work on their relationship. Her problem might not be appearance thing, might be something else, ask her what she wants you to work on, and both of you work hard together to please each other. It is not easy to run a successful marriage, especially nowadays!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Just because you like what you like doesn't necessarily make you shallow, maybe to others - but if that's who you are, then that's who you are.

Now, if this is the type of woman you 'like', it appears that you fell in 'love' with an opposite type. So what is it that attracted you to your wife that didn't attract you to another woman that fit more of the type of woman you prefer?

Are you willing to accept your wife, as she is?

Or will you always yearn for what you don't have?

Is it fair to her for you to yearn for something she isn't?

Perhaps focusing on why you "picked her" instead of the type of woman that you have said you prefer would be a good starting place.

This might help you focus on why you fell in love with HER and not some other woman.

You know the old saying...beauty fades, brains are forever.


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> A lot of Chinese and Taiwanese women don't put much effort on their appearance either after they get married, especially if they are married to red necks.
> 
> She is western, I am afraid that she has strong attitude.
> 
> ...


yes u r right.. and I have tried that i every single way.. to communicate that listen i want us to look good.. i was us to look sexy .. i wanst use to be successfull.. i rarely say i want you to .. cos i want her to know i am with her on this one... but i gotta find a way to help u dig deeper here cos she is very very nice n conservative girl.. the simply life.. dog, backyard kids etc tec ... she does not feel that i should change for her cos she loves me the way i am.... oi will come acrsos as the biggest d*** on the planet but as loving as that it.. iits not the way of life for all people.... i want her to tell me when she ses me getting out of shape.. i want her to try n correct my imperfections cos you know what .. when i go out in public and i feel desired an appreciated.. what do you think i will think?.. i will be like.. i couldnt hafve done without her and i would never thought of this this way... so there thats what i am tryign to say.., how do you get that insitict in her.... li dont understan why girls always have to take things wong way.... for example.. if u n i r walking and i look another girl.... you automaticlaly get annoyed... for one sec take a moment n think .. why is he looking there. cos he is a vsual creature n he saw something thats pleasnet... i can control that by giving him something similar o r eveb better to look at .... n same will go for me... if i see my wife drooling over an actor or a guy.. i certainly think what exalcty is is that attarcts her today and i will shoot for that.... i need to fig out how can i get her to understand.... talking aint working... i need her to get some external influence.... like some girls who r like that to show her how imp it is.... i so wish someone like u ...culd show her...


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Just because you like what you like doesn't necessarily make you shallow, maybe to others - but if that's who you are, then that's who you are.
> 
> Now, if this is the type of woman you 'like', it appears that you fell in 'love' with an opposite type. So what is it that attracted you to your wife that didn't attract you to another woman that fit more of the type of woman you prefer?
> 
> ...


 hi married wife... thanks for ur kind messahe and yes thats is a very legit questin to ask and honest answer is is... i was young and naive and stupid and not focussed.. i admit it... i did not have an understanding of love, commitment marriage what it takes to be a husbnad.. she was a ncie girl... and we had a preg scare and her n i made thru it very mturly.. while whil we were dating... honestly i never even took the time.. to test the waters.. i went for the first good thing i saw..... so going back to the inception of this relation hsip has not helped me at all... the fact is that i grew cein then.. i learne d alot.. about myslef as well as the world.... i leanred what attarcts me, not just physcially but mentally... i did not know this as clear back then.... and about being fair to her?... to be hoenst i dont think she even knows this part of her exists... she is soo simple minded that i think if somehow got introced to the this lifestyle that i am tlaking about.... she might love it and do it well.. she i know she one dedicated woman... n she loves me... but its crossing that hurdel.... million dollar question... do i love her.... i will admit i still dont know what love it.... she is smart.. she is kind caring... etc tec but yes i desire other women today cos they looks ncier.. i wonder what it would feel to have sex with them etc tec/// i desire change... mofcourse u ladies say that all men r pigs and opur pgness goe down over time....so do i sit n wait for that... or do it tell this good girl.. who have done nothing wrong in her life that i am about crush all her dreams and ruin her life cos i ****ed up n dint pick the right girll... or thrid being i try to get to ehr where i would love her more... not change her to maker her somehting she is not... i mean common laides... how mmany of you truly totsally hate the feeling fo being desired... i cant imagine many......


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Though your posts are a bit rollercoaster in their message, I get the feeling you are really trying to get her to see looking nicer for you as her husband and you as a couple need not be all bad
Having said that, I notice you mentioned her weight (don't mean you criticised, just mentioned) 
Now I know for myself that I am far less likely to doll myself up if I figure there's no point cos I won't look hot cos of my overweight - makes no odds my OH would disagree, it's all in MY perception, MY head, MY self-image so yes, I'm happy slobbing around but WOULD be just as happy making slightly more effort, and occasionally MUCH more effort, if only I felt better about myself
I can equally say well I know what to do why don't I do something about it - Yip fair point but it's not me I'm trying to talk about (though accurate!) - do you think this may apply to your wife maybe?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

CG,

You married very young, it is actually very true about you said. 

When we were young, we didn't exactly know what we wanted and what we liked. A lot of people give young people advice not to get married at a young age. 

What happened has happened, we can't repeat and correct what we have done. What we can do now is to focus on our present. 

The good thing she is a nice girl and she is conservative, I am sure she has respect for you. If you communicate with her sincerely, she will respect your opinion. 

Don't let others get you down, don't let others make you feel what you want is wrong. It is normal! Women who have strong attitude are struggling very hard in their marriages, they have to reconsider their attitude. 

I would love to have nice conversation with your wife. Being respectful towards out husbands and making each other happy is important. We do out best to make our men happy, then our men do their best to make us happy. Giving and receiving come both ways. Strong willed women don't understand this.


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

madimoff said:


> Though your posts are a bit rollercoaster in their message, I get the feeling you are really trying to get her to see looking nicer for you as her husband and you as a couple need not be all bad
> Having said that, I notice you mentioned her weight (don't mean you criticised, just mentioned)
> Now I know for myself that I am far less likely to doll myself up if I figure there's no point cos I won't look hot cos of my overweight - makes no odds my OH would disagree, it's all in MY perception, MY head, MY self-image so yes, I'm happy slobbing around but WOULD be just as happy making slightly more effort, and occasionally MUCH more effort, if only I felt better about myself
> I can equally say well I know what to do why don't I do something about it - Yip fair point but it's not me I'm trying to talk about (though accurate!) - do you think this may apply to your wife maybe?


Excellent point madimoff... u have a valid point. women's self image... thats very imp and also even abpve n beying u ladies have many hormonical ( is thats a word) thing that go in ur bodies that i wont even attemtp to capture them... this is whats i would say to that.... when ur married ur not alone... everythign u do think or act on imapcst the others... so the fcat that u wont do anything about just cos u dotn feel right doesnt seem fair to me...i am not talk about you specificla i am talking about rhe general notions that girls have... i mean this is unfair handicap... for us guys.... u gitls could be skinny as stick.. and then look pretty good..and could make us guys so happy.. but just cos u dont feel the same... we get to suffer too.. other thing is the weight.. yes my wife has gained weight but its all biological. and her hormones r off n we r working on that... cos she is most deiciple eater i know... the point is... body either is not always everything.... ther er larger woman out there... looking better than ever... its in how u put urself together...ect tec.. its funny i give my wife exampke of her aunt who certianly had weight issue but she is all well puttogethe that no doubt she looks amazing.. .. the bottom line is that inner feeling.. that yes i wanna be esired. by my man n other everybody why not... it will only help ur own esteem woudnt it.... whats so wrong with wanting to walk down the street and couple heads turn .. be produ of it... ur made it happen... u did it... that to me much better attitude than .. oh it is what it is.. i dont feel it.. so lets let it go... i mean common... you girls r amazing.. god put u in a sucha beautiful body with boobs and V these r amazing things.. this what people men crave... its pleasing on the eys... so take care of it.. show it off... us men dont have that.... we have a d*** whcih is good n all but nothing thats so amazingly seeked ro puit on bill boards... hopefully i am making sense.. forgive i am terrible typist and even worse speller...


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> CG,
> 
> You married very young, it is actually very true about you said.
> 
> ...


Green pearl.. thansk again.. every word that ccomes out of ur mouth is gold and truth.. becuase u understand that at times on her eit can be dreading water the other way.... but see the funny thing is .. so thank you... and gosh would i be lucky if somehow i could become more of a closer fiend with you and get u in touch withmy wife.... may be u will let me get there... 

see the whole young thing.. i dont even know.if i am right in calling it a msitake.. u know cos may be 5 yrs from now i will be fine and most of these things will go away... but i am constablty ina self review process of saying what will go what will not go and the fct that i am such a sucker for beauty and well put together woman just wont go anywhere... i fantasize over it.. i just melt to see.. a well put together woman... in front of her nothing matters.. money, assets, etc tec.. i a evenb stupid enough to contomplate getting out of this marriage.. and finding myself a fashion bimbo.. cos yes i might not get as much of a brain but i will be visually pleasued at all times.... yes i know thsi sounds selfish but i cant lie to myself... like.. i have created 5 yrs of marriage now... her life all she knows.. everything is me.... i dont have the luxury to walk wawy like that...most men who just dont give a s*** but i cant atleast so far...... this tough stuff.. relationships... i mean anybody on here who seems to think ther one one way and gives out advise is dillusional and even i know that at 27....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Confused Guy:

If your wife isn't getting it (lets say "yet") through your talking to her about these deep desires of yours, I HOPE she is a reader & will go the extra mile in reading a book or 2 -with you - to help her understand where you are coming from & grow in her learning as well, so you can please each other. I tried finding some books that speak to the heart of the matter, written with the Shy inhibited conservative woman in mind. 

I only WISH I had such books on my shelf as a young innocent bride - to at least open the dialog, consider a new way of viewing sexuality & what turns men on. 

Amazon.com: The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensable Resource to Pleasure and Seduction (9780871319340): Barbara Keesling: Books

Amazon.com: Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot! (9780940208353): Carol Queen: Books

Amazon.com: Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (9780060834395): Ian Kerner: Books


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Confused Guy:
> 
> If your wife isn't getting it (lets say "yet") through your talking to her about these deep desires of yours, I HOPE she is a reader & will go the extra mile in reading a book or 2 -with you - to help her understand where you are coming from & grow in her learning as well, so you can please each other. I tried finding some books that speak to the heart of the matter, written with the Shy inhibited conservative woman in mind.
> 
> ...


SIMPLY AMOROUS.. THANSK YOU SO MUCH and i greatly appreciate the time u out into this.. i think this will help and I will certainly give it a shot.. but i cant help but feel thats this exotic or lustfull feelisn only comes from within dont it? .. like its really tough to create it.... or put into someone mind... unless she truly wants to look good and be as lustful as u in the bedroom.. i just dont know how much readin a book or even watching ponr would helps.. cos i dont think the isuse is a learbning.. i think the issue os does she want to include that in her styel.. the other thing is she tries really hard to become naughty for me but it doesnt work n i can so totally see her trying ...the level of discomfort... so i then i feel guilty more than pleasure.... its s tough road no matter what....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Confused guy said:


> i cant help but feel thats this exotic or lustfull feelisn only comes from within dont it? .. like its really tough to create it.... or put into someone mind... unless she truly wants to look good and be as lustful as u in the bedroom.. i just dont know how much readin a book or even watching ponr would helps.. cos i dont think the isuse is a learbning.. i think the issue os does she want to include that in her styel.. the other thing is she tries really hard to become naughty for me but it doesnt work n i can so totally see her trying ...the level of discomfort... so i then i feel guilty more than pleasure.... its s tough road no matter what....


There is definitely truth to what you say here, about this having to come from WITHIN somehow. You haven't talked too much about her upbringing , what she was exposed too, not exposed too, her teachings on these subjects. 

I feel strongly - that the majority of us have very base sexual yearnings DEEP WITHIN and that many women, just not being educated enough, suppress these things feeling they are wrong, dirty somehow -then comparing themselves to these BAD girls out in the world if they dare act in such a fashion, after all we don't want to be looked upon as "loose" "easy" -"S**ts" , calling attention to ourselves, we are taught that is VAIN, that is Ungodly, unholy.

I can only speak from my own past of coarse, I know I used to THINK like this but I believe (easy for me to say now!) that a Wild Tempress was always there waiting to be let out of her cage, my husband just didn't seem to have the keys to unlock that cage, or cared to search for a good locksmith ! ha ha. 

Just maybe if he had "starved me for a time" from sex -not letting me have a release, maybe I would have gotten in touch with her a little sooner, letting that lustful fury wash over me, I don't know! Get her HOT & bothered, and don't give it to her!! Isn't that what you guys go through all the time & it makes you want it MORE , makes your fantasies go wild ?

...Then read these books, maybe she will come into something she never experienced before, a raging longing - with un-inhibited sex that consumes you both.  Worth a try! 

Scroll down on this page, and print what is written in RED letters, give it to your wife to read. I found it very INSPIRING -when I first came into this "passion" that drives me now. It was a new perspective for me, like WOW, what have I been missing - I want to FEEL like that - live like this! THIS is how it IS meant to be - marriage & Sex ! Exciting, Fun, All consuming & driving. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...lfish-all-table-sex-way-full-happiness-3.html

Some say our minds are our Biggest sex organ Your Brain on Sex | Reuniting


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Confused guy said:


> Green pearl.. thansk again.. every word that ccomes out of ur mouth is gold and truth.. becuase u understand that at times on her eit can be dreading water the other way.... but see the funny thing is .. so thank you... and gosh would i be lucky if somehow i could become more of a closer fiend with you and get u in touch withmy wife.... may be u will let me get there...
> 
> see the whole young thing.. i dont even know.if i am right in calling it a msitake.. u know cos may be 5 yrs from now i will be fine and most of these things will go away... but i am constablty ina self review process of saying what will go what will not go and the fct that i am such a sucker for beauty and well put together woman just wont go anywhere... i fantasize over it.. i just melt to see.. a well put together woman... in front of her nothing matters.. money, assets, etc tec.. i a evenb stupid enough to contomplate getting out of this marriage.. and finding myself a fashion bimbo.. cos yes i might not get as much of a brain but i will be visually pleasued at all times.... yes i know thsi sounds selfish but i cant lie to myself... like.. i have created 5 yrs of marriage now... her life all she knows.. everything is me.... i dont have the luxury to walk wawy like that...most men who just dont give a s*** but i cant atleast so far...... this tough stuff.. relationships... i mean anybody on here who seems to think ther one one way and gives out advise is dillusional and even i know that at 27....


CG,

It is actually very commendable that you are honest with yourself and you want to sort things out rather than let the problem become serious and one day something worse happens. 

People say that focusing on appearance is shallow, but we are human, we ARE shallow. Acknowledging our short comings is commendable. If she sees the importance of it and change herself for you, it shows she is loving and that's a great quality for her to have. 

Inner beauty is very important, that's something we can't deny! But what is inner beauty, being nice and friendly, yes! But respecting her husband's opinion is inner beauty too. A husband and wife have to work together so their marriage can survive, we can't ignore the early bad signs, don't let small problems become big problems. When a person is sick, early stage is much easier to be cured. 

One day I had this thinking in my mind, if a woman views herself a stock, what should she do to make her valuable and her husband desperate to keep her?

Keeping herself attractive is definitely one way to make her appealing. 

If we keep ourselves young and sexy, it is actually some wealth we possess, and it makes us valuable. 

Women start to show their age after 30 years old, beauticians say that after we are 30, we should have regular beauty treatment. People might think that these beauticians say that so they can have jobs, but for our benefit, it is very true. I started having beauty treatment when I was 29. I don't regret the money I spent on my face, I do look much younger than women my age. My husband encourages me to spend money on my face, and my body. I thank him for reminding me and helping me with my appearance. When we go out, I look gorgeous, it definitely makes him feel proud and happy!


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Did you, when you started talking about marriage with this young woman, have any romantic feelings about her? Or were you consumed by the need to marry in order to stay in the states? If there were feelings involved that were even a slight bit stronger than that enticing green card, I might could persuade myself to tamp down on the disgust.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> People say that focusing on appearance is shallow, but we are human, we ARE shallow. Acknowledging our short comings is commendable.


Just wanted to say - I agree with this. 

We R human & the great majority of us ARE shallow- in some areas more than others. We just don't dare speak this revelation about ourselves out of our mouths - people like to hang on to their halos -before others. 

I admire honesty. A sinfully HONEST person can be helped, they generally are seeking for real answers when they open themselves up to ridicule. Let us listen to those who can speak their faults, their mistakes, their wayward thinking, admit to it all, just like an Alcoholic going to AA humbly confessing his weaknesses, there is hope for these men & women. 

I feel he wants to do the right thing by her - Even if he did marry under the wrong circumstances. Just like he said, many marry madly in love & still end up in divorce, it is not how you started but more how you handle the differences once you are in it.


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There is definitely truth to what you say here, about this having to come from WITHIN somehow. You haven't talked too much about her upbringing , what she was exposed too, not exposed too, her teachings on these subjects.
> 
> I feel strongly - that the majority of us have very base sexual yearnings DEEP WITHIN and that many women, just not being educated enough, suppress these things feeling they are wrong, dirty somehow -then comparing themselves to these BAD girls out in the world if they dare act in such a fashion, after all we don't want to be looked upon as "loose" "easy" -"S**ts" , calling attention to ourselves, we are taught that is VAIN, that is Ungodly, unholy.
> 
> ...


Thanks SA, tose r all good n helpful thoughts... and i think i keep coming back to the same thing everytime.. is her personality and u bring a great point her upbrining... very conservative very religious parents... and yes u r absoloty right.. she did and still prob has a slight view on the fact that those girls who go to clubs and grid agains tguys n drink ect are sl**ts and no decent girls r just just looking for hook up.. so there is a pefect example... the face that she think that the way i see things is that hey .. doesnt matter how old i am.. i have a right to go to c establishment .. get intoxicated and have some dancing fun enjoy the night away and then still wake up next morning to be a responsible person i am.. there is a diff.. there r girls who r Sl**ts just like there r guys who r man ***** but the point is thet not all of them r like that and its kinda sad n surprising that it is so damn hard to find people with perfect mix.. who r responsible yet know how to let loose.. in every way.... ahhhh its hard...see whn i deny her sex..,.. she is ok wit it cos she just wants to what i want to do.. and she will assume i dont want it if i a not initiating.. like... commoonnnn... this is not 16th century .. take control.. be proufd of what got n make me want it... idk.. all these things sound so selfish but... its true...


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> CG,
> 
> It is actually very commendable that you are honest with yourself and you want to sort things out rather than let the problem become serious and one day something worse happens.
> 
> ...



thats it green pearl.... u have all the right answers.. i wish my wife did... u get it... you get it that its not about demaeaning or needeing to keep ur husbamnd around... its about embracing the good and aking it as good as it can be.... i cna only imagine the feeling in ur husband heart n eyes when he walsk out with you... everytime he looks at you... i swear u prob know this but i am niot alone in this... it is sooo easy to please us men..... not always sex.. its about pleasing with ur looks.. not because u ahve to but u can... just like us men can please u by being emotionally available or have a six pack that u can touch n feel.. etc tec.. idk it seems siimple to me but i just dont know how i can get her there... may be the answer is that i married a wrong girl for me .... but how could ruin her life cos i feel a certain way..


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## Confused guy (Mar 8, 2011)

Pam said:


> Did you, when you started talking about marriage with this young woman, have any romantic feelings about her? Or were you consumed by the need to marry in order to stay in the states? If there were feelings involved that were even a slight bit stronger than that enticing green card, I might could persuade myself to tamp down on the disgust.


Thank you for your consideration Pam. yes i did have feelings for her.. .. were they more or less tha the enticing green card.. i dont know... with all due respect if i were to ask you about a mistake you made and.. say " what were u thinking "... more than likely you r response will prob be .. well i wasnt thinking or if i was i did not think as rationally as i can think today.... so thats what happened.. this youg girl came into my at a very very crucial time where my career my future etc was in jeapordy if i did not make a move... having said i tood her about this... and told her that i do not want this marriage to be stamped as green card marriage.. so let me go fin my own way.. and i will ceom back for you when i am ready... n she insisted that if i was going to marry someone else to do it.. then why not just get it done with her... anyways these r details bottom line is that i wish i had the rationale mind or word of advise back then.. but unfortuanlty i did nt either from within or from family... but i am not here to cry about my past.. i am here to solve a problem that i have today and it starts with akcnolweding ur msitakes and wrong doing.. and i trying that .. i know my flaws and how they can be in the way too which is why i am still married .... unlike many men out there who u migth know... who think that they cant do anything wrong and walk all over their wives n there feelings.... that to me is inhuman n disgusting...


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