# Is it wrong to leave if your spouse enables the child



## redwing_10

I am looking for some advice. Long story, shortened just so you have the background.

I met my wife, her first husband passed and left her with a 1 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. We met two years after that, and married a year after that. My daughter doesn't know any other dad than me. My son does.

My son is now 25. Thru his teens his mom would routinely tell him to tippy toe around me. Why, I dont know. She would also come and tell me, don't talk to him, he really doesn't like you. She has made it very clear that she feels it is her responsibility to raise him, she feels she owes it to her first husband to do this. So, concerning him, she has always made the decisions. 

The problem: she enables him. He is 25, has had 4 years of college paid for, he took out a loan for the 5th year. Still no degree. He works at GameStop 8 hours or so a week. He didn't go back to school this year because he wanted a break, now, his student loans are due, and I co-signed, so some of them come in my name. He has made no efforts to pay them. I think my wife pays the ones that come in his name. My wife says I should pay the balance of the loans for him because she loaned me money to start a business. I say he wont learn to be responisible if all his bills are picked up on the counter by my wife. 

Both my wife's brothers were raised by a mom that enabled them, and are 50 and still living with mom. I dont' want him to turn out like that, but I am afraid that is where he is headed. 

He lives with us, pays no rent, nothing for food, and wont go look for a a better job because it is not really where his "passion" is.

My daughters...who I am able to have influence over, are the best. They take care of themselves, pay thier bills, ... everything a parent would want.

My big dilemma.... there is no way that I can stay and watch my wife do this to "our" son. He is capable, I thing it's that he needs a fathers foot up the hind end talk to point him in the direction he needs to go. My wife agrees in theory this is a good thing, but wants to take the gentle, kind approach. My wife feels that once he gets tired of being where he is, he will decide to do something. I am up for, this is what is expected, you either deliver, or leave.

If she wont' see it my way, I am really considering leaving, knowing that I will probably have him living with us in our basement playing computer games for years to come. Feeling like a jerk for feeling like this, but I really feel like I have been prevented from doing my job as a father, and if that doesnt' change, I want out. 

****I posted before on other things going on in the relationship, so this isn't the only issue***


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## woundedwarrior

I can relate totally to how you feel. My wife has a daughter from her previous marriage, she was 6 when we married & is now 23. My wife has enabled her the entire time & ignored everything I could try & input. My stepdaughter & I butted heads a lot over the years & my wife mostly sided with her. This has nearly wrecked our marriage & left it as hollow as it is now.
Her daughter now has a baby & my wife is carrying on with her the same. We babysit 5 out of 7 days, including weekends & the now 2 yr old is the center of my wife's world. Her daughter is unmarried but lives with her boyfriend & only works part time. She dropped out of college earlier and has had legal troubles.
We previously co signed a car loan for her, that we"ate" to save our credit etc.
Things don't change & we'll be helping take care of her forever.
Sadly my ex wife has done the exact same with our two sons now 21 & 24, both no college, unmarried & working part time, the youngest still with Mom.
Staying or leaving depends on what's in your heart. My head told me to run years ago??


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## EleGirl

redwing_10,

I really disagree with what your wife has done. Since his bio-dad died when he was 3 and you married her when he was very young, she should have let you parent him as well. What she has done is set up a situation in which he has a special relationship with her. He's therefore more entitled than his sisters. Plus she drove a wedge between you and him. And yet you are the only father he has ever known. 

Like you said, he needs a father's boot on his behind. I believe very stronly in a boys need for a strong father figure. Girls need this too, but it's different form of boot for boys.

Before you leave your wife, see if you can get her into counseling with you. She needs to learn about tough love. Since she has cut you out of parenting with him, you can give her moral support and advice, but she is going to have to be the 'bad cop' to her own 'good cop'.

Is your step son using drugs? This sounds like a typical case of and underachiever. In today’s youth society, drugs are usually a part of that.


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## tacoma

The triggers! Oh my the triggers!!

OP, this won't change unless you change it.
Odds are there's no way your wife is going to get on board with any changes.

If you don't want your step-son to be living with you when he's 50 you should just get out now.

Seriously, you're in a situation where you just can't win.

However this is as much your fault as his mothers as you've allowed it and even enabled it yourself.
Why would you give him money for college when you knew you'd never see it again?

You should have made a stand long ago.


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## tacoma

EleGirl said:


> Is your step son using drugs? This sounds like a typical case of and underachiever. In today’s youth society, drugs are usually a part of that.


I don't know, I don't see any drug use among the underachievers hanging with my boys.

I almost wish they were scoring drugs, at least they'd have to have an income and occasionally leave the house to support a drug habit.

:rofl:

It would give them some actual life experience too, you just can't get that from sitting in front of the internet for 23.75 hours a day.


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## redwing_10

Yes, my son has had issues with prescription medication, I paid to get him off that, he went behind our back to another doctor to get more Tramadol, and my wife said there was nothing we could do, he was an adult.

Plus, anytime I have tried to do something, she threatens divorce. I back down because I came from divorce and didn't want that for my kids...so yes, I have gone a long with the enabling... but I cant anymore.... 

I would rather destroy the marriage and take a chance he has to stand on his own, rather than be stuck with what I have and what I know will happen by the continuing enablement.

Yes, my wife does feel she has a special bond with him becauase he was there when her first husband died and he was all she had to get her thru that. She has told me that he is the only person she trusts.


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## Wiserforit

redwing_10 said:


> anytime I have tried to do something, she threatens divorce.


Sounds like you need to call her bluff.



> She has told me that he is the only person she trusts.


Then she is a bad judge of character. 




> I thing it's that he needs a fathers foot up the hind end talk to point him in the direction he needs to go. My wife agrees in theory this is a good thing, but wants to take the gentle, kind approach.


Classic manipulative play: I agree with you except that I disagree with you.

Yes, ultimatum time.


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## EleGirl

redwing_10 said:


> Yes, my son has had issues with prescription medication, I paid to get him off that, he went behind our back to another doctor to get more Tramadol, and my wife said there was nothing we could do, he was an adult.
> 
> Plus, anytime I have tried to do something, she threatens divorce. I back down because I came from divorce and didn't want that for my kids...so yes, I have gone a long with the enabling... but I cant anymore....
> 
> I would rather destroy the marriage and take a chance he has to stand on his own, rather than be stuck with what I have and what I know will happen by the continuing enablement.
> 
> Yes, my wife does feel she has a special bond with him becauase he was there when her first husband died and he was all she had to get her thru that. She has told me that he is the only person she trusts.


He is the only person she trusts? A drug abusing, underachieving teen is the only person she trusts? How on earth can she say that to you when you have stuck by her through all of this? Even if you do not agree with all that she does, you are there for her.

Your problem is not only this kid. Your wife is abusive and very disrespectful to you. And I've sure I've only hard the tip of the iceburg on this.

I'm not sure how bad your step son's drug abuse is. But the only way to handle that is tough love. He definately should not be around your younger children.

I too am dealing with underachieving and drug issues with my 2 step kids. My step son uses opiates and apain killers mostly. My step daughter is a meth head. Both are not allowed in my house anymore. I have a thread about the hell my step daughter has been putting me through.

If I were you, I'd give it a go at counseling. If that does not work end the marriage. If you want to give it one more go just to make sure you that you have done everything you can to save the marriage, then I'd tell her that either she goes to counseling with you about this and your marriage or it's divorce. If you want to convince her that you are not playing around, have divorce papers in hand for her to see. 

Otherwise just leave. From what you has said I do think that you are justified divorcing her. She is expecting you to live in a house with an adult who is abusing drugs and causing all kinds of problems. Just be careful that you don't leave and end up leaving your other children in her care most of the time. You will want max influence on them to ensure they do not end up like their brother.

Talk to an attorney to find out your rights in a divorce and in child custody.


Or just get the 19 year old arrested and out of your house.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

I feel that you are now in a "no win" situation.
From what you have told us it would appear that your wife has always placed the wants and needs of "her" children above yours. I deliberately say "her" as she does not appear to want them to have a strong relationship with their "step father".

You and your wife have been together 22 years and you have allowed this situation to continue and if anything to get worse. IMHO you are as much to blame for the situation as she is. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but you did ask.

As for your stepsons debts if you signed guarantor on his loans or allowed them to be taken out in your name then you should and must ensure they are re-paid. As for his attitude to work I would agree with a previous poster that a "kick up the backside" is in order but I doubt that he would accept that from you with the current state of the relationship between you.

I hope that you have not left it too late to stand up for yourself but I fear you may have.


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## redwing_10

>>Your problem is not only this kid. Your wife is abusive and very disrespectful to you. And I've sure I've only hard the tip of the iceburg on this.

As per my previous post, yes. My wife has been verbally abusive for years. 


>>I feel that you are now in a "no win" situation.
From what you have told us it would appear that your wife has always placed the wants and needs of "her" children above yours. I deliberately say "her" as she does not appear to want them to have a strong relationship with their "step father".


I would say this would be true about my son, mostly. And, the focus of the marriage has always been the kids, not "us." I attributed that to her already having two children when we met. The kids needed the attention, so we put ourselves on the back burner. She has even said that that our relationship was secondary to the kids. I am a medical professional and I would have never thought it, but I am beginning to wonder if the reason we are still togather is because of what security I do provide. 


>>You and your wife have been together 22 years and you have allowed this situation to continue and if anything to get worse. IMHO you are as much to blame for the situation as she is. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but you did ask.

Yes, you are right, I have allowed this situation to continue, and yes, I am to blame because I did not stand up for myself early on. Like I said, I didn't want my kids to come out of divorce, so I backed down. But now, I just can't back down anymore. I think the verbal abuse and the confrontational behavior of my wife had some influence on that. I am not a confrontational person, I don't like to argue or fight, but would rather talk about issues so each person can be heard.

>>I hope that you have not left it too late to stand up for yourself but I fear you may have.

I feel I have finally gotten to the place where I will stand up for what the right thing is, and let the chips fall where they may.


>>redwing, I read your previous posts, in oct you said that your wife was physically abusive toward you and almost all the posters who replied advised you to leave. You said you were completely emotionally detached and sleeping on the couch. 

That situation has calmed down, and I am no longer sleeping on the couch. The only reason I didn't leave last fall was because my daughter was in her senior year of HS. I knew a divorce would cause a lot of stress on the family, and I didn't want it to negatively affect her grades, as that would have included selling the house, moving during the school year, etc. I don't know if the my decision was right or wrong.

>>Why now? Why is this an issue now that you are wanting to make the deciding factor in wheather you divorce or not?

To me it is an issue of, now, I have a 25 year old who shows no ambition or drive. While he was in school, I could tolerate it, thinking he would get his degree, and get on with his life. Now, he is going backwards. He did have full time work, he quit and it took him 8 months to be pressured into getting another job. He was paying his car insurance, he has stopped payments, and now has been using our cars since last October, free of charge. As long as he was putting one foot in front of the other, and I could see progress, albeit small, I could swing with things. Now, by belly is full and I see his potential, and how he is so much below what he is capable of. 

And, yes... I do second guess myself. I don't know all the answers and sometimes try to think things thru too much. I realize I need to go with what my gut says is right. 

>>nor should you put on your wife enabling behavior that you have tolerated for a decade. Nor is it your sons fault, you and your wife have allowed his behavior for years. 

I'll take my lumps here, you are right, like I said, I do second guess myself. It is behavior that is dysfunctional, I have known it, tolerated it, so I am to blame for doing that. I just know that I can't stay in this situation or else I will totally mentally disconnect and that leaves the door open for destructive behavior like affairs and such, and I am not about to go there


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## Franchize

I'm in a similar situation; I agree with what most people say however I assume like me you have tried logically talking with your wife about what he needs to do and you have also had countless discussions with him as well. I guarantee you tried being his friend and then your wife told you the reason you can't discipline him now is because you were his friend as if you had a choice. My wife threatens to leave me on a weekly basis our step son is 20 years old and is still living at home and has not had a job for close to 8 months now we have six other kids as well. My wife recently got him diagnosed with ADHD and now everything he does is because of this. My wife did kick him out for two weeks then openly allowed him to come back and he is repeating the same behavior. This is the real questions you have to ask yourself my guess is your wife is depressed just like mine is and is on the fence about getting help. Do you leave your spouse because she is verbally abusive when the depression kicks in? How long do you wait and pray she get's help for her depression and if she does not when do you leave because of it? I also see my wife enabling our stepson and I ask myself at what point do I leave because she is enabling him to self destruct. I have read countless articles about kids living at home till 30. I have made my own decision that if he is still living at home at 30 with us trying to support him for 10 years and my wife has shown no ability to get help for depression I will leave. This is my decision and to me this is a logical one; We have 7 kids in total and I owe it to them and my marriage to try and fight through this adversity. However, I constantly meet with a life coach/counselor and try and implement small changes hoping one day things will change it's not impossible and my family is worth it. I have already sat through 2+ years of the depression monster and thankfully I have found successful outlets I work two jobs and we barely make it through each month. Life at times is still amazing; however other times it is a nightmare. It's not just me that is hurting my wife is as well; seeing her kid fail makes her more depressed. Those are the questions I asked myself I advise you to do the same.


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