# I need a sexual intervention



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread, but I too am feeling very concerned that I do not want sex with my husband of 11 years. 

We have had major issues before... Physically and emotionally. Things are better... NOT great, but emotionally we are better than we were a year ago. 
My husband has a habit of not being there for me when I need him... Which causes me to have up and down feelings about him. 

Here's the thing... I don't do porn. I definitely want sex, just not with him. He's a good looking man... He's a decent father. But, he takes me for granted and I think it's made me resentful. We went to therapy. Been there, done that. He won't go back without a lot of fights. 

What do I do? I find myself daydreaming about other men. No I'm not having an affair... Emotional or physical. I just can't seem to find intimacy with my husband. 

Hormones are fine... It's just plain him and me. There's a wall. I know he wants to have sex... But he doesn't ask for it. 

I just feel stuck.
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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Maybe the issue is not all you....

...Do you guys flirt or do anything like that?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

No. In fact, I started writing books on the side for extra money when he wasn't working. And I've been writing heavy romance/erotica. It has put me in a strange position where I think about sex do much because if it. He started reading it the other day and put it down and said "wow I need a shower". But he didn't say anything more. Truthfully, I didn't want him either. Ugh. It's frustrating. 

He has these big dreams that I'm going to become a millionare author and he talks about how he can quit his job when I do. But right now I work full time and all my spare time is .. Writing .. Or trying to be a good parent. I think his pressure On me is contributing to this. I've told him that before.. And he just says that "he just believes in me and my ability". I don't know. 




wiigirl said:


> Maybe the issue is not all you....
> 
> ...Do you guys flirt or do anything like that?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is he not there for you when you need him?

How much time a week to the two of you spend together... just the 2 of you?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well I have a thread on the relationship stuff about how he fails me when I need his help. He didn't get me a bday gift a couple of weeks ago... He didn't help me care for our son in the middle of a work crisis. He just becomes "unavailable". 

We try to do date night once a week or so.. But that is typically dinner and drinks and he ends up drunk. I get even more repulsed by that. 

He also has this thing where he becomes silly. He starts singing off tune and dances in the most bizarre nerd way and it is so annoying to me. I have tried to ignore. Then I began to ask him nicely ... Please don't do that... And he doesn't listen. 

He just continues to dance like a crazy person and sing in high pitched voices. It drives me nuts. 

QUOTE=EleGirl;965809]How is he not there for you when you need him?

How much time a week to the two of you spend together... just the 2 of you?[/QUOTE]
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## turtle10 (Dec 2, 2010)

I wish people would weigh in cuz I am in same boat!
11 yrs. He is very helpful and there for me...but I do jot want or desire at all 
I work. He doesn't which bugs the craps out of me. And same exact date nite drunk then I am annoyed. I know I have a wall up but asking myself latley....I work, I put up with the drunken b.s. a lot, we don't have kids and there is no passion.....why stay? I am 40 and feel like I want a new chapter.only things keeping me stuck is the idea of dealing with our possewions and him resisting the break up
Anyone else feel same? Any suggestions?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> No. In fact, I started writing books on the side for extra money when he wasn't working. And I've been writing heavy romance/erotica. It has put me in a strange position where I think about sex do much because if it. He started reading it the other day and put it down and said "wow I need a shower". But he didn't say anything more. Truthfully, I didn't want him either. Ugh. It's frustrating.
> 
> He has these big dreams that I'm going to become a millionare author and he talks about how he can quit his job when I do. But right now I work full time and all my spare time is .. Writing .. Or trying to be a good parent. I think his pressure On me is contributing to this. I've told him that before.. And he just says that "he just believes in me and my ability". I don't know.
> 
> ...


in your other post you said you don't do porn .......but you right porn? erotica is considered porn by definition. another famous double standard.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Him not asking for sex, you not wanting him but wanting sex. It becomes a vicious circle. He is not asking because he may feel like it is begging. Do you try talking about it? How about just climbing back on that horse for the next couple of days and knock it out? You may feel different about him and he may act differently with you.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I am religious but my husband insisted I start writing erotica to help us into an early retirement. I've resisted forever but now we are tight financially. He was happy to take 5 days unpaid to go on vaca but then insists that I don't take a day off of writing. In all honesty, the book fifty shades has changed the way people see erotica and now it's what my husband is pressuring me to write. But... You are right.. It is a double standard. One I truly worry about because I'm religious. Also.. My husband told my COWORKERS behind my back that I was writing this... Even though I told him that no one was to know about it. 

As for trying to get back with my husband? You are probably correct with the suggestion... But I hate that I don't WANT to. You know? I just don't. He never hugs me anymore... Never touches me. 



QUOTE=mahike;966310]Him not asking for sex, you not wanting him but wanting sex. It becomes a vicious circle. He is not asking because he may feel like it is begging. Do you try talking about it? How about just climbing back on that horse for the next couple of days and knock it out? You may feel different about him and he may act differently with you.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

nothing is going to change unless one of you tries or you really start talking


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## virgil (Sep 11, 2010)

Interesting post. From a mans perspective I have a problem of just not understanding what is wanted/needed from me. 

We are simple creatures and sometimes need it spelled out as to what you want as a woman.

I struggle with this all the time, I want to be there for my wife but i do it at the wrong times. I think i'm doing the right thing at the right time but its not. For example i tend to work alot looking at emails etc and then trying to make an effort in another way which sometimes works and some times not.

I think we all assume that the other person knows what we mean when we say i want this but without giving a real explanation to them about what it is we actually want.

I would suggest you guys sit down and take some time to just talk. I know its hard and it can take a while to click and become comfortable with it but you should both make the effort to listen to each others needs and truely understand what it is you both want.

You will hopefully find you both want the same thing but are just not saying it in the way the other understands.



We do learn but slowly.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

virgil said:


> We are simple creatures and sometimes need it spelled out as to what you want as a woman.
> 
> I struggle with this all the time, I want to be there for my wife but i do it at the wrong times. I think i'm doing the right thing at the right time but its not. For example i tend to work alot looking at emails etc and then trying to make an effort in another way which sometimes works and some times not.
> 
> ...


Add to this that men and women tend to communicate differently. Women add a lot in their body language and tone that many men don't pick up. So a man can listen to the words but miss much of what is being communicated. With that, it is important to try different ways of saying the same thing to increase the chance of effectively communicating. 

Letting your huband know what you need in a couple of different ways increases the chances that he will understand what you want. 

Also, if you are not quite sure what you want or need, admit that. Telling him something to just have a reason will only cause problems later. Be honest.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I agree that talking would do a lot of good. But, I have tried this through therapy. We just end up back in our own ruts. 

Do most wives want to please their husbands? I realized the other day that I haven't bought any new underwear or anything close in a long time. I really don't care.. Even though I'm sure I should. 

I guess I'm resentful that all of our family pressure falls on my shoulders and truthfully all I want to do is be able to stay home and raise our son. He keeps telling me I will be able to do that by being a writer... But he never offers to get a part time job or anything to help make our lives easier. He just dumps all the responsibility on me. I am paying a nanny gobs and feeling guilty about all my missed time with the kids. It sucks. Especially since I am the breadwinner and he keeps hinting that he wants to quit his job. 

How do I deal with that and then want to have sex with him? I just don't. 





virgil said:


> Interesting post. From a mans perspective I have a problem of just not understanding what is wanted/needed from me.
> 
> We are simple creatures and sometimes need it spelled out as to what you want as a woman.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

IMHO the husband needs to assume the role of a REAL MAN in order to attract you back to him romantically. The change has to come from him. He senses the emotional wall very likely as well if he is the least bit introspective. He seeks an expression of love from his spouse, through the physical sharing of intimacy and by being admired and respected for the job he does as a husband and father. If those expressions are not happening he is probably not getting what he needs from the relationship either. 

You are obviously not feeling attracted to him as he drinks irresponsibly and acts as a child. He has important responsibilities. He needs to take the burden of the harshest challenges life throws at your family squarely on his shoulders. He needs to provide a trustworthy and secure home and courageously defend it and those he loves. He needs to be an active lover and lead with his examples of sharing love (not a Bday card...seriously). He needs to be steady and reliable and live with conviction. He needs to be your rock. 

Many men have either never learned or forgotten what it means to be a man, the head of the family. There are so many strong, capable women these days that some men can be quick to relinquish their paternal position. It may take a year or five or ten, but if he won't pick up the flag and get back out front and lead, it can end badly. He may have a hard time attracting you back to the bedroom until he does.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Boy, cre8ify you hit the nail on the head! Amen! 

The question is how do I inspire that in him? I have been through therapy with him and begged for his understanding. Even the darn therapist told him. But it just doesn't seem to go anywhere. 

But you are 110 percent dead on. Thank you. 




Cre8ify said:


> IMHO the husband needs to assume the role of a REAL MAN in order to attract you back to him romantically. The change has to come from him. He senses the emotional wall very likely as well if he is the least bit introspective. He seeks an expression of love from his spouse, through the physical sharing of intimacy and by being admired and respected for the job he does as a husband and father. If those expressions are not happening he is probably not getting what he needs from the relationship either.
> 
> You are obviously not feeling attracted to him as he drinks irresponsibly and acts as a child. He has important responsibilities. He needs to take the burden of the harshest challenges life throws at your family squarely on his shoulders. He needs to provide a trustworthy and secure home and courageously defend it and those he loves. He needs to be an active lover and lead with his examples of sharing love (not a Bday card...seriously). He needs to be steady and reliable and live with conviction. He needs to be your rock.
> 
> Many men have either never learned or forgotten what it means to be a man, the head of the family. There are so many strong, capable women these days that some men can be quick to relinquish their paternal position. It may take a year or five or ten, but if he won't pick up the flag and get back out front and lead, it can end badly. He may have a hard time attracting you back to the bedroom until he does.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I guess I'm resentful that all of our family pressure falls on my shoulders and truthfully all I want to do is be able to stay home and raise our son. He keeps telling me I will be able to do that by being a writer... But he never offers to get a part time job or anything to help make our lives easier.....
> 
> Especially since I am the breadwinner and he keeps hinting that he wants to quit his job.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not know how much your h is making, what kind of job he holds, but from what you are writing, it seems
_
You are the breadwinner. He wants you to make more $ so he can completely quit his job. _

As a woman, I would separate from this man to see if he will "wake up". 

Well, you can argue man and woman should have equal financial roles, but I have never quite agreed with that esp when the woman is putting out more to care for child/children. A man should be a man. 

Unless you guys have reached enough financial security for comfortable retirement (doesn't seem like it), he has no reason to have such desires. 

Finally, I am sorry to say, 50 shades is not even that great of a book/series, but once a while luck/timing/whatever just clicks and a book becomes a craze. Many talented women/men can write better. But putting all your hope in making $$$$$ while you feel you are missing out time with your child/children seems risky. If you are doing something you enjoy/cherish, it's different. But again, it seems that's not quite the case.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Yes you are right Jenifer. I feel terrible .. As a Catholic.. Saying this, buying have come to the point in my life where I feel that I made a mistake not looking at money and concern for money down the road when we married. I have always been a go getter.. An achiever. My husband has enjoyed all the luxuries that go with that. He has never aspired to make more money for us. Never. In fact when I asked him last year to juggle his work hours a little and be more mindful of US his family... He threatened to quit and get a job at CVS where he could have bankers hours. He likes to throw out obnoxious things to make me say "no no don't change anything". 

Here's the issue. We just moved into a great house that we lease. We are basically living paycheck to paycheck. He insisted we put our son in private school which I agree with .. I will scrimp for a catholic education and upbringing. Be he also talks about how he wants us to buy our house and he predicts I'm going to make millions as an author. I have one normal romance book done and it brings in an extra 1800 a month. That is NOT going to allow me to be a stay at home mom. I am currently working full time and I stay up late and get up early to write more. 

He has put so much pressure on me... Is it any wonder why I don't want to have sex with him?
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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

The women may need to help you figure out how to light that fire in him. Unless he is emotionally calloused over, I have framed out for you where he is likely very sensitive to being "touched". If the communication is open enough that he knows how to reciprocate, he may surprise you. 

I lived this experience as a man looking to make changes to correct a sexless marriage. It was only after I resigned myself to losing it all that I was able to build toward the kind of marriage I yearned for. If the choice is, this get's better or I am prepared to start a new life, you damn well have commitment. The feelings, mine and hers, are real and don't need to be justified. Unfilled needs lead to them. I noticed that wordplay doesn't chase away the bad feelings. Supportive, loving actions absolutely do.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I admit that I just don't see him as a "man". I don't know how to change it and I certainly wish I did. I just want to have financial freedom and not have it all fall on my shoulders. 

Isn't it crazy how so much of what does or does not happen in the bedroom... Revolves around the relationship itself. 




UOTE=Cre8ify;966541]The women may need to help you figure out how to light that fire in him. Unless he is emotionally calloused over, I have framed out for you where he is likely very sensitive to being "touched". If the communication is open enough that he knows how to reciprocate, he may surprise you. 

I lived this experience as a man looking to make changes to correct a sexless marriage. It was only after I resigned myself to losing it all that I was able to build toward the kind of marriage I yearned for. If the choice is, this get's better or I am prepared to start a new life, you damn well have commitment. The feelings, mine and hers, are real and don't need to be justified. Unfilled needs lead to them. I noticed that wordplay doesn't chase away the bad feelings. Supportive, loving actions absolutely do.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> we lease. We are basically living paycheck to paycheck.
> 
> he also talks about how he wants us to buy our house and he predicts I'm going to make millions as an author.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am sorry, I am not doubting your ability, but this man has unrealistic expectations. I write for newspapers too so it's not I have a problem with writing. For me a piece might bring in $40-$50, it would be a joke to depend on that kind of income, so it's my hobby. 

One thing about us (some) Americans is we have no good planning. The mention "living paycheck to paycheck" always raises red flags for me. I know so many families that operate on that. It's not good. AND you want to put your son in private school. What if a family emergency happens? Do you all have full health insurance coverage? 

Honestly, if your situation is as you described, then no amount of rekindling, hugging, dating can make you feel for your h. I would not. I WOULD move out and see if he would clean up his act. If he doesn't, yes I WOULD divorce him. I know your are Catholic, but that's not a sufficient reason to stay in this relationship, if I were you.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

No you are right. It definitely scares me. We only have about a month's worth of income in savings. I have told my husband this, but he says That he doesn't want to let his parents down. It's frustrating. I am trying so hard to make the extra money but I feel depleted. I am already the breadwinner... And he wants me to make an extra 5k a month. 


UOTE=jennifer1986;966600]I am sorry, I am not doubting your ability, but this man has unrealistic expectations. I write for newspapers too so it's not I have a problem with writing. For me a piece might bring in $40-$50, it would be a joke to depend on that kind of income, so it's my hobby. 

One thing about us (some) Americans is we have no good planning. The mention "living paycheck to paycheck" always raises red flags for me. I know so many families that operate on that. It's not good. AND you want to put your son in private school. What if a family emergency happens? Do you all have full health insurance coverage? 

Honestly, if your situation is as you described, then no amount of rekindling, hugging, dating can make you feel for your h. I would not. I WOULD move out and see if he would clean up his act. If he doesn't, yes I WOULD divorce him. I know your are Catholic, but that's not a sufficient reason to stay in this relationship, if I were you.[/QUOTE]
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> he wants me to make an extra 5k a month.


Just say no. He can want whatever he wants but that doesn't mean he's going to get it. If HE wants an extra $5k a month tell him to get a job.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I dont get it. You complain that you dont want him then you complain that he never hugs you?

Why would he want to hug you if you never want to be intimate with him? Guys are not women. We need the sex FIRST before the emotional connection. Then you will get that stuff. You typically wont get the non sexual intimacy first...we just arent wired that way.


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## angle (Aug 6, 2012)

Before I met my husband I had a lover and sex was fantastic we couldnt have enough of it our relationship was awesome we both loved each other but a long story short we just cant be together his job request him to travel a lot where I wanted to built a stable family where we sit down to dinner etc so we both decided to end it. three years later, I met my husband got married after two years and we have been married for three months now and I cant seem to stop thinking about my ex I dont feel attracted to my husband anymore, dont get me wrong he is a great husband, he treat me like a queen and in bed he go down on me each time and always make sure he please me first, he want to have sex every night and when we both have days off he wants to stay in bed and have sex all day long ...... my problem is that I dont feel like doing it he doesnt know it but I pretend to be into it but I am realy not into him all I could think about is my ex please help me I dont want to hurt my husband and I feel so aweful for feeling this way I been to counselling, doctor and still cant bring my self to feel attracted to my husband whom I do love so so much. 
How do make my self feel that sex drive again??


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

You were attracted to him as a man at some point so it is reasonable to assume you could be again. I don't see how you restore intimacy without tearing down the wall of resentment that separates you. 

There is a man in there somewhere and my guess is he doesn't know which habits to reinforce and which he should kill. Many of the approaches a man must take are acquired skills and are anything but natural. We have to work at being the kind of man we can become...just as we have to work at being the kind of spouse we can become.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> No you are right. We only have about a month's worth of income in savings. I have told my husband this, but he says That *he doesn't want to let his parents down *


Whatever that means, it does not make any sense. Unless his parents are completely out of wack, they should expect their grown son to be a man and take care of his wife and children. 

Perhaps you mean you guys need to borrow money from his parents. Well, actually we all know HE should be MAKING that money, not borrowing. If you guys are really in trouble, then he should borrow with a definite term stating in how much of a time period he will repay, and again he will be making that $. 

If your h is even hiding the truth from his parents, then this guy cannot be called a mature adult. Pretending you are doing fine financially while not trying to improve a bad situation (or telling the wife to do the work) is not a grown man's deed. 

To love someone, you have to respect that person. You might still love your husband in many ways, but if you have lost respect for him and he does not work towards gaining that back, it's hopeless. If he is disabled from working, that's another story. If he is simply not trying and being lazy, you will NOT respect him.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

angle said:


> How do make my self feel that sex drive again??


I think you should start another thread. Your problems are not the same and you are not helping the OP or offering advice.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Question:

Does HE know what you like/love and what your lovebusters are? Does he know and just not "do it". 

Or does he not fully grasp what they are? 



questionme2 said:


> I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread, but I too am feeling very concerned that I do not want sex with my husband of 11 years.
> 
> We have had major issues before... Physically and emotionally. Things are better... NOT great, but emotionally we are better than we were a year ago.
> My husband has a habit of not being there for me when I need him... Which causes me to have up and down feelings about him.
> ...


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Angle-It sounds like you dated the mysterious, alpha male bad-boy and could not get enough of him. Most women could not get enough of him but they don't marry him for the same reason you didn't. For your husband you choose a nice blend of sexually unattractive beta skills to help you keep a home and raise a family. You weren't the first and won't be the last. That as why I make the case that men do need to evolve.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Yes we did some of this in therapy. He is fully aware. But here is the issue. He has done so much of the cooking etc he has taken on a feminine energy. It is hard to explain but I notice it and he's clearly loving it. He doesn't hang with the guys... He just talks constantly about cars and houses and furniture that we will soon be able to buy...with my BIG fortune that will show itself as soon as I get my new books done! 


QUOTE=MEM11363;966803]Question:

Does HE know what you like/love and what your lovebusters are? Does he know and just not "do it". 

Or does he not fully grasp what they are?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

*He has done so much of the cooking etc he has taken on a feminine energy. It is hard to explain but I notice it and he's clearly loving it. He doesn't hang with the guys... He just talks constantly about cars and houses and furniture that we will soon be able to buy...with my BIG fortune that will show itself as soon as I get my new books done! *

That's not good. Over the long haul a SAHD has very little chance to remain attractive to his woman. You cross nature at your peril. I read this article frequently as a sort of mantra. I don't know how you introduce this type of thinking but it would be a map to a good place.

How to Be a Man


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with many of the posters. The roles have been reversed as far as the caretaking goes. Most of the time the female is "wired" to want security from the man (financial; physical). 

I think that is where your problems may lie as far as being attracted sexually to your husband.

You both may want to read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. People look at different things in order to feel loved. Not all couples are on the same page. It's an easy read and interesting.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I've actually read that book and I think you are spot on. The problem is I don't know how you change a man who is so dead set on his career path when it's financially inferior to the woman. He has no aspirations to make more or do more. It is all on my shoulders. I don't know how to fix the issue because that would require so much change from him.. Change he's not willing to make. As he says. "I am who I am. Deal with it". 

UOTE=Corpuswife;967029]I agree with many of the posters. The roles have been reversed as far as the caretaking goes. Most of the time the female is "wired" to want security from the man (financial; physical). 

I think that is where your problems may lie as far as being attracted sexually to your husband.

You both may want to read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. People look at different things in order to feel loved. Not all couples are on the same page. It's an easy read and interesting.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

keylogger on his computer

something is "off key" and it isn't just his impromptu singing....




questionme2 said:


> Well I have a thread on the relationship stuff about how he fails me when I need his help. He didn't get me a bday gift a couple of weeks ago... He didn't help me care for our son in the middle of a work crisis. He just becomes "unavailable".
> 
> We try to do date night once a week or so.. But that is typically dinner and drinks and he ends up drunk. I get even more repulsed by that.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You think it's porn? He had a porn issue years ago, but said he was over it when I confronted him. 

QUOTE=MEM11363;967179]keylogger on his computer



something is "off key" and it isn't just his impromptu singing....



_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE][/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I can see the problem here, but its not just him. 

Neither of you is communicating its so only going to get worse. 

You say you don't want intimacy, but you get upset because he never touches you. Us men can be dense at times, but we can take a hint. If hes not feeling it from you then why should he give it? He probably picked up on your attitude and decided to keep his distance. 

All I've heard so far is how bad he is, hes the problem, and more gripes but I haven't heard how you've tried to help him or get to the bottom of why he is doing it. 

He is thinking that you're gonna write up another twilight(not quality wise but popularity wise lol) and get rich, then sit him down and set him straight. 

Tell him to cut the crap and that there will most likely not be a big hit and that he needs to step up with his job.

Communicate to him, saying that hes not listening just means you're not going at him fiercely enough. If hes truly reversed in his gender role and as feminine as you told us then a stern action will most definitely get his full attention.

Don't just add up his faults on an imaginary chalkboard. Let him know, see what he thinks, and the change on anyone's part can go from there. 

If he absolutely will not change after you've actually communicated with him than divorce him. As he doesn't deserve to be married to a woman who will continually disdain him without ever saying a word.

You don't deserve to be in an unhappy or unfulfilling marriage either so it would be for the best.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I completely understand what you are saying and value your insight. I will just say this... My husband is extremely passive aggressive. So I tend to avoid rocking the boat because things get VERY ugly. He's like a child with his temper tantrums. The last time we got into a big fight over money... He told our son that "mommy didn't live daddy anymore". Now we've been thru therapy since then so I hope it wouldn't repeat but it was BAD. He also threatened suicide... Quitting his job... It's just ugly. 

Thats why I say things are FAR better now. It's better if I just keep my feelings to myself. Subtle hints are best. 

For example. We just moved. He suggested moving a couch to a different walk... I said.. Nahhh I like it where it is... He responded "no thanks stupidest man on earth. Why are you do flipping stupid... Husband?". I think he was just joking... But I seriously think those things go through his head when anyone disagrees with him. 

Talking to him calmly is not easy. He gets aggressive and defensive. 




Kasler said:


> I can see the problem here, but its not just him.
> 
> Neither of you is communicating its so only going to get worse.
> 
> ...


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> I admit that I just don't see him as a "man". I don't know how to change it and I certainly wish I did. I just want to have financial freedom and not have it all fall on my shoulders.
> 
> Isn't it crazy how so much of what does or does not happen in the bedroom... Revolves around the relationship itself.


I'm confused. What do you mean it all falls on your shoulders? You have written that he works. You have written that you feel he may spend too much time at work and he should be mindful and now you are saying it all falls on you. What is really the situation? 

Love sex and romance are a part of life. They are not evil, dirty or sinful. But, if you don't want to write this stuff, then don't. What are you.... 12?

Marriage takes work and commitment. You say you are Catholic. Then honor your committment to your husband and respark your own sex life. You will find that your husband will respond more positively to you when he is feeling loved rather than feeling the resentment you harbour for some unstated slights. If you can't do this, then get a divorce and let your husband find someone who will love him and you can do the same.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a thread that I think you should read.....


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/52938-i-feel-nothing-him.html


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Yes he works... But he was unemployed for 7 months... This a relatively new job for him and he keeps talking about how he wants to quit... when I strike it Rich. It's always "maybe we can have a house like that when MOM gets those books selling". That's what he tells the kids. 

Here I am... Wishing I could stay home with the kids and he is pressuring me to make a fortune WHILE working full time too. Do you see how that can hurt a woman? 




KanDo said:


> I'm confused. What do you mean it all falls on your shoulders? You have written that he works. You have written that you feel he may spend too much time at work and he should be mindful and now you are saying it all falls on you. What is really the situation?
> 
> Love sex and romance are a part of life. They are not evil, dirty or sinful. But, if you don't want to write this stuff, then don't. What are you.... 12?
> 
> Marriage takes work and commitment. You say you are Catholic. Then honor your committment to your husband and respark your own sex life. You will find that your husband will respond more positively to you when he is feeling loved rather than feeling the resentment you harbour for some unstated slights. If you can't do this, then get a divorce and let your husband find someone who will love him and you can do the same.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Q-You are obviously a woman of unusual talents who works tirelessly to support your family. He acts as a child, shows a lack of ambition, and oozes entitlement. IMO he seems to be taking what you bring to the marriage for granted and uses it to take himself off the hook. Unemployed for seven months and he has the audacity to show anything but gratitude for finding an opportunity to contribute? And, he should be ashamed of himself for dropping word bombs on the kids if you dare challenge him.

How is he so sure that when you achieve financial independence that you won't be moving on? Why is he so sure that because you are not currently being intimate that you have become asexual? Has he considered that he might be tempting fate by leaving you unsatisfied? Divorce has never before happened to a Catholic?

There is a course and sense of momentum to your threads. If you can only offer subtle hints of what you are feeling for fear of a pas-agg pileup, how can you change that course? This is a perfect example of how the husband ends up blindsided and I'm not defending him in the least.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

My heart goes out to you. I was married to a man like this. Have you looked into Asberger's? He seems to have a lot of the traits: the man/child syndrome, acting silly and goofy even when it annoys other people, talking at length about things other people aren't interested in, not quite aware of the reality that other people share. 
I know it's easy to be an armchair psychologist and I'm not saying he definitely is. But it's worth looking into. 
I'm fairly convinced my ex is and I'm glad that I didn't realize it before our divorce because I would have felt guilty leaving him when genetically its not his fault. 
The thing is there are lots of people who make a relationship with an asperger person work. 
Mine made good money, middle class wise but he honestly could have made a lot more. He is so stuck on his rut that he will never try for more. His hygiene and bizarre appearance don't help either. 
Still he always dreamed of being rich, like reality was never going to be good enough for him. He couldn't stand shows about rich people or meeting rich people. 
Does any of that sound familiar? Also after sex he would jump up and shower and start calling friends to hang out. He would let me down, refuse to help. For my first mothers day he did nothing. For my 30th birthday he got me a card after I had planned a huge surprise party for his.
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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

turtle10 said:


> I wish people would weigh in cuz I am in same boat!
> 11 yrs. He is very helpful and there for me...but I do jot want or desire at all
> I work. He doesn't which bugs the craps out of me. And same exact date nite drunk then I am annoyed. I know I have a wall up but asking myself latley....I work, I put up with the drunken b.s. a lot, we don't have kids and there is no passion.....why stay? I am 40 and feel like I want a new chapter.only things keeping me stuck is the idea of dealing with our possewions and him resisting the break up
> Anyone else feel same? Any suggestions?


Is it maybe because he is not working and you see him as less of a man? If he doesn't "have to" work, then what is the problem? Or does he need to work and can't/won't get a job?

My husband has not worked since 2006 due to prior medical issues and a TBI, etc., in 2008.

Doesn't bother me at all. I don't see him as less of a man, less of a provider, etc. I've always outearned him when he did work - so what, we're in this marriage together. If he were working and I wasn't, there wouldn't be a problem.

I think sexist roles are still defining us today when the lines have blurred considerably and more women are working today than ever.

If he's going to be Mr. Mom - then he needs to be doing things around the house to take the burden off of you. As most stay-at-home Moms know, there is just as much work inside the home as there is outside.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Based on what we know, it sounds like the husband is suffering from Peter Pan syndrome. He doesn't want to grow up and wants a "lady in shining armor" to sweep him off his feet and make everything better. Maybe it's the hard ass in me talking, but I would be strongly tempted to tell your husband that you are no longer writing anymore. If he starts to complain then you need to tell him that if he wants the finances to improve then he better figure out a way to start earning more money. Otherwise, you redo the budget so that you two can live within your means. If that means renting a two bedroom apartment, then so be it. It's time that your husband starts to feel the pressure to take on responsibility to make more money. 

Next time your husband talks about how you're going to make it big with your writing, tell him sure, only after he makes it big in his own career and makes a boat load of money for you first. 

When your husband tells your kids things that "mommy no longer loves daddy" while in a temper tantrum, you need to tell your kids that your husband is lying and that he is acting just like a little baby who has to go to bed early.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Gosh yes I see a lot of similarities in what you are saying. He does have bizarre tendencies. I doubt it's full blown aspergers ... He has been to therapy. 
For example, we invited a lady over for a nanny job interview. My DH took off and started cleaning the den and came in... Interrupted and started asking me about the water bill. It was so odd. When I asked him wtf.. He said "oh I just thought you might want some girl time with her to see if she's a good fit." 

The thing is...I am scared. Very scared of rocking the boat either way. I just feel stuck and while I think I deserve better, I'm afraid that I'm looking at things with the "grass is always greener" mentality. 





diwali123 said:


> My heart goes out to you. I was married to a man like this. Have you looked into Asberger's? He seems to have a lot of the traits: the man/child syndrome, acting silly and goofy even when it annoys other people, talking at length about things other people aren't interested in, not quite aware of the reality that other people share.
> I know it's easy to be an armchair psychologist and I'm not saying he definitely is. But it's worth looking into.
> I'm fairly convinced my ex is and I'm glad that I didn't realize it before our divorce because I would have felt guilty leaving him when genetically its not his fault.
> The thing is there are lots of people who make a relationship with an asperger person work.
> ...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

For me the question wasn't whether I would find someone better, it was whether I would be better on my own. I realized he was holding me back in so many ways with his verbal
abuse, refusal to fully participate in our household, and inability to see me as a human being or attempt to meet any of my needs. 
Are you saying that he can't have asperger's because he has been to counseling and they would have seen it? Because most therapists aren't trained to recognize autism spectrum disorders, unless they are blaring. Or they can tell that bringing it up will push the person away. 
Is there anything you still respect in him as a man and adult?
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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Yes. I think he's a good father. I think he works hard at his job. I think in some ways he's a good person. He's not a jerk on purpose I know that sounds strange, but I really don't think he understands that he has the sixth sense to realize how his actions or words could be perceived. 

I have trouble because in some ways I think he has excellent moral judgement but in others... I think he's a joke. Years ago he wanted me to sue my mother ... For my father's estate. She's never worked a day in her life and that would leave her broke and/or homeless. After I addressed that in therapy... He got it together and understood what he did wrong. But it's that kind of stuff that makes me question everything. 


QUOTE=diwali123;968603]For me the question wasn't whether I would find someone better, it was whether I would be better on my own. I realized he was holding me back in so many ways with his verbal
abuse, refusal to fully participate in our household, and inability to see me as a human being or attempt to meet any of my needs. 
Are you saying that he can't have asperger's because he has been to counseling and they would have seen it? Because most therapists aren't trained to recognize autism spectrum disorders, unless they are blaring. Or they can tell that bringing it up will push the person away. 
Is there anything you still respect in him as a man and adult?
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