# Wish I would have let it play out longer



## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

Does anyone wish they could have played it cooler when finding out about their spouses affair? 

My wife was sleeping with my best friend or so I thought he was. She's always been a hugger and I never suspected them of messing around. We worked together and one day he was at the house when she came home from work. She went to the gym and he couldn't get out of the house fast enough to "go home". The hug that night and him acting like a little kid told me instantly something was up. He followed her to the gym to fool around. They messed around for about 2 months. The Facebook post can confirm as she started talking about missing someone time they leave (when we were both off, so he was over our house) and post saying how she wasn't picky and liked it wherever she could get it ( I was on nights and they hung out later that night), etc. About 3 days prior to me catching them we went to a bon fire and she was gone off with him on a golf cart ride for about an hour and posted how a bonfire never felt soooo good. Well I was clueless...but when I seen the phone records I lost it, couldn't wait to confront her that night when she got home from the gym. 

Over course the remorse was played out, but everyone shows that, obviously because they got caught. She claims she was looking for a way out, but from the post that was clearly bs. That's why I threw those in the beginning of this post. 

Now that it all played out, I wish I could have held back and watched just to see how long she would have actually messed around. I don't know how some of you do that, you are a lot better than I am.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Yes I sometimes wonder what would have happened with the 80 something year old WWII vet had I not told my W no contact anymore and made threats to my W about what I was going to do to his family.

Perhaps it think it's best to give them freedom to make bad choices now while you have the advantage of them assuming you are deceived. 

Worse is to find out years or decades later that you didn't change her views about cheating only suppressed their expression.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I haven’t been in this position, but I grew up with addicts and tried to save them. I felt guilty somehow that they’d die and that I could have done something to save them.

Many of them ended up homeless, dead, whatever and I learned it was never my job to save people from the path they’re on.

Want drugs? Go for it!

For those having affairs, I don’t know what I’d do, but don’t carry the burden of their shame, their guilt, their eventual outcome. Every high comes with a low. You’re not their ‘low’. 

Don’t let them blow up your life and wonder what you could have done to save them.

Give that all to them.

May good feelings shine inside of you who have been pained. Don’t ever feel bad for not caring if that’s what you have to do. Feel sorry for yourselves, not them.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Yep. I wish I would have done a lot of things differently, but you don’t know what you don’t know. 
I wish I’d have known to be a stone cold beotch and show zero emotion and just shut it down. That might be asking a bit much for a person that has cried during Sponge Bob... but that’s what I wish.

We have all the answers in hindsight.

But, I WILL always cherish the look on both their faces when I opened the car door and blocked the doorway where she was sitting with all my wifey glory. Busted.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Avgman said:


> Does anyone wish they could have played it cooler when finding out about their spouses affair?
> 
> My wife was sleeping with my best friend or so I thought he was. She's always been a hugger and I never suspected them of messing around. We worked together and one day he was at the house when she came home from work. She went to the gym and he couldn't get out of the house fast enough to "go home". The hug that night and him acting like a little kid told me instantly something was up. He followed her to the gym to fool around. They messed around for about 2 months. The Facebook post can confirm as she started talking about missing someone time they leave (when we were both off, so he was over our house) and post saying how she wasn't picky and liked it wherever she could get it ( I was on nights and they hung out later that night), etc. About 3 days prior to me catching them we went to a bon fire and she was gone off with him on a golf cart ride for about an hour and posted how a bonfire never felt soooo good. Well I was clueless...but when I seen the phone records I lost it, couldn't wait to confront her that night when she got home from the gym.
> 
> ...


Betrayal is brutal, don't beat yourself up on the woulda coulda shouldas, there's no point in comparing yourself to how you perceive others handled it. 

I remember how I felt; hurt, angry, stupid. It was all I could do to not completely fall apart. After I got over the shock and grief, I got MAD, then ice-cold, and went to war. I've experienced many things in my life and betrayal from a significant other has got to be one of the top three, the others being from a parent/child. 

You just got stabbed in the heart TWICE and you're still standing. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, and decide what you're going to do. Do you have kids or can you let the trash take itself out?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

TXTrini said:


> Betrayal is brutal, don't beat yourself up on the woulda coulda shouldas, there's no point in comparing yourself to how you perceive others handled it.


Amen. No matter what you do, somebody is going to say it's wrong.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> let the trash take itself out


 What a great way to put it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Avgman said:


> Now that it all played out, I wish I could have held back and watched just to see how long she would have actually messed around. I don't know how some of you do that, you are a lot better than I am.


Yah, you could have held back and waited. Eventually, one or the other would have tired of f-ing the other. BTW, when you want to believe the she was looking for a way out, think about how quick she could cut your azz off when she was "not in the mood".


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Confronting too early is the biggest mistake we all make. It's because it's festering and we can't take it anymore. I'm still embarrassed at some of the things I did and didn't do. But oh well, we are in an emotional state that doesn't lend itself to rational thinking.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Avgman said:


> Does anyone wish they could have played it cooler when finding out about their spouses affair?


Less than a week into "discovery" our dog died, I couldn't support my wife through it after just finding out what I thought I did, and I blurted out "I know you're sleeping with...". I didn't have nearly enough info or know anywhere close to the whole story. 

I don't know if things would have been easier or harder if I waited and had more info. I don't know if things would have played out the same. I don't know if I would have decided to reconcile or not. I used to wonder how long she would have kept up the affair, but let's be honest, the answer is probably somewhere between "years" and "forever". 

So I used to regret confronting her when I did. 

At this point, if everything had to happen the way it did for me to be where I am now, then I'm okay with it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Avgman said:


> Does anyone wish they could have played it cooler when finding out about their spouses affair?
> 
> My wife was sleeping with my best friend or so I thought he was. She's always been a hugger and I never suspected them of messing around. We worked together and one day he was at the house when she came home from work. She went to the gym and he couldn't get out of the house fast enough to "go home". The hug that night and him acting like a little kid told me instantly something was up. He followed her to the gym to fool around. They messed around for about 2 months. The Facebook post can confirm as she started talking about missing someone time they leave (when we were both off, so he was over our house) and post saying how she wasn't picky and liked it wherever she could get it ( I was on nights and they hung out later that night), etc. About 3 days prior to me catching them we went to a bon fire and she was gone off with him on a golf cart ride for about an hour and posted how a bonfire never felt soooo good. Well I was clueless...but when I seen the phone records I lost it, couldn't wait to confront her that night when she got home from the gym.
> 
> ...


How long ago did this happen? You are going to be plagued with questions that you will never have answers to no matter what. You could ask for a Poly if you want. Instead of doubting yourself, put this on your wife who did this monstrous thing and put you in this situation to begin with. 

Honestly she had and affair with your best friend. Is there really anything worse then that? It's common to have doubts after you are assaulted, and it's good to talk to someone about it. But really that is misplaced. To me this read like you are trying to protect yourself from the truth because it's so painful. Are you sure this isn't really about you trying to accept and live with what is unacceptable?

If I were you I would try to completely emotionally detach from these to awful people and get as strong emotionally as you can on your own. Then you can decide your path moving forward. 

None of this is your fault. No one should have to question how they responded from spousal abuse.

You need to be honest with yourself about who your wife is and what you are accepting. You can do so much better.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Gabriel said:


> Confronting too early is the biggest mistake we all make. It's because it's festering and we can't take it anymore. I'm still embarrassed at some of the things I did and didn't do. But oh well, we are in an emotional state that doesn't lend itself to rational thinking.


In the final analysis, why does it matter--unless you don't have the evidence to make your case. Most men are not going to do anything anyway except try to stop the affair and "win their wife back". (probably the most sickening, wimped out, ***** whipped statement I've ever heard) In respect to the friend doing your wife, I'd bet two to one in these cases the wife sent signals to the friend that she was open for entertainment or just blatantly said she wanted a piece of him. Friends typical think, "If I don't do her, somebody else will cuz she looking for some strange "Richard". ( which he's right)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So I reviewed your post history. I am going to summarize what I have been saying to you in the other threads. It's been 9 years. You are not over this and honestly most people wouldn't be. This is not a failing but it actually means you have a healthy amount of self worth. It's time for you to stop blaming yourself for your wife's poor character, if you don't do that this is going to be the remainder of your life.

When you look at people trying to reconcile and live with someone who treated them with such disrespect it is very common years, even decades later to still be suffering. That is because you logical mind knows that you shouldn't. It's knows that the deal you accepted was a bad one. 

I am sure at the time like most people who try to R you were hoping that you could get to a point where this would all be forgotten and you could have an even better marriage. This being the mantra you always hear about and is sold by some very misguided people on boards like this. But the truth is in most cases something so monstrous is never going to be forgotten. I personally believe the folks that tell you otherwise are in denial or are just lying. You are trying to live with someone who abused you terribly and even if you can, should you? It's demeaning to spend every day trying to love your abuser. OF COURSE that is going to take it's toll on you. 

If she had cut off your leg would you not suffer living with her every day? Would you not think about how she cut off your leg every time you struggled with your prosthetic. Would it be wise to spend most of your life with someone like that? This is exactly the same thing. She emotionally scared you for life. All your questioning is really about the disconnect from your rational mind and your heart. It's the dissonance of what you are accepting that plays out in questioning how you responded. But the problem is really what you have accepted.

If you truly want to get better maybe it's time to reassess your situation and your marriage. What you have accepted and how your life will be moving forward. Maybe the answer is to move on without her. How about just separating for a while and see if that helps you.

You are never going to be able to rationally get over this. The 9 years kind of shows you this. It's just not going to happen. I will tell you a very real truth, much more realistic then (you can have a better marriage). If you ever do love someone else, that is your path to getting over this. Because what makes this so painful is that love you have for you wife. If you give that love to someone else your then ex-wife just becomes someone in your past who did a monstrous thing to you. Maybe it's time for you to at least be open to the possibility.

It might be helpful to read this.

If you truly want to get better you need to at least consider moving on from her. Come on man that is what all of this posting is really about.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> In the final analysis, why does it matter--unless you don't have the evidence to make your case. Most men are not going to do anything anyway except try to stop the affair and "win their wife back". (probably the most sickening, wimped out, puzzy whipped statement I've ever heard) * In respect to the friend doing your wife*, I'd bet two to one in these cases the wife sent signals to the friend that she was open for entertainment or just blatantly said she wanted a piece of him. Friends typical think, "If I don't do her, somebody else will cuz she looking for some strange "Richard". ( which he's right)


Not sure what you mean here. Maybe you have me mixed up with someone else. I caught my wife's inappropriate dealings before it got physical. So in the end, maybe I confronted at the right time. Much longer it's possible it would have gone physical and there'd be a point of no return.

Like Bobert, I definitely ended up in a better place in the end. But going back and remembering things, I was a dumbass at times.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Would it have mattered in your choice to reconcile? Or would it have been one of those situations where you say if “x” happens then you’ll do “y” only to backpedal when ”x” actually happens. I ask because that’s what I did. I was positive I would divorce without hesitation over cheating only to end up reconciling (I did finally divorce the second time it happened).


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## Uriel (Oct 31, 2018)

sokillme said:


> It might be helpful to read this.
> 
> If you truly want to get better you need to at least consider moving on from her. Come on man that is what all of this posting is really about.


It is a detachment...easier said than done, but Possible!



Gabriel said:


> Not sure what you mean here. Maybe you have me mixed up with someone else. I caught my wife's inappropriate dealings before it got physical. So in the end, maybe I confronted at the right time. Much longer it's possible it would have gone physical and there'd be a point of no return.


Talk about detachment, she has already done this form him. Allowing for the emotional bond to build with the OM. For the woman it has already went physical, she got emotionally involved. Her erotic fantasies have been played out in her mind countless times by now. She has gotten physical...maybe only at a sole level right now, but it's happened. 

Making lite of stopping it before anything really happened, contributes to the Lie. She will more than likely use this in the future to justify euphoric fulfillment..."sense it was not physical, just lustful fantasy, I shall play again."


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Uriel said:


> Talk about detachment, she has already done this form him. Allowing for the emotional bond to build with the OM. For the woman it has already went physical, she got emotionally involved. Her erotic fantasies have been played out in her mind countless times by now. She has gotten physical...maybe only at a sole level right now, but it's happened.
> 
> Making lite of stopping it before anything really happened, contributes to the Lie. She will more than likely use this in the future to justify euphoric fulfillment..."sense it was not physical, just lustful fantasy, I shall play again."


Sure, perhaps. In my case, this was 10 years ago - long gone. But surely people who engage in physical affairs have more of a finality to their predicament, whereas those who never "get to" may still have an itch to scratch. I think in emotional-only affairs, you either end the marriage, or fully squash the affair in every way - ultimatums, no contact forever, full eradication of the dopamine. Can't go half way.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> In the final analysis, why does it matter--unless you don't have the evidence to make your case. Most men are not going to do anything anyway except try to stop the affair and "win their wife back". (probably the most sickening, wimped out, puzzy whipped statement I've ever heard) In respect to the friend doing your wife, I'd bet two to one in these cases the wife sent signals to the friend that she was open for entertainment or just blatantly said she wanted a piece of him. Friends typical think, "If I don't do her, somebody else will cuz she looking for some strange "Richard". ( which he's right)


You are right, I know I did this as a man...I had to, right? I jumped the gun, wish I'd waited. We weren't married when it happened, got married a week after I confronted, then a week later found out it was sexual. 

That's sad. I know. It's not like I'm a bad looking dude and felt I had to do this, as it might be the only woman I'd ever get. I've put on a few pounds since then, but I'm also 41 now. It was just more of a Incan have her if I want her...

Honestly, there are some days I'm happy and glad it's worked out the way it has. Others, I wonder if I did the right thing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why are you still with her?

why did you marry her a week later?

This is definitely a WTH post.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only mistake you made was marrying her. Now you get to live with the constant reminders.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Gabriel said:


> Not sure what you mean here. Maybe you have me mixed up with someone else.


Wasn't talking about anybody in particular. I'm saying 9 time out of 10 when a chick is doing her husband's friend, she's the one that came on to the friend.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Avgman said:


> You are right, I know I did this as a man...I had to, right? I jumped the gun, wish I'd waited. We weren't married when it happened, got married a week after I confronted, then a week later found out it was sexual.
> 
> That's sad. I know. It's not like I'm a bad looking dude and felt I had to do this, as it might be the only woman I'd ever get. I've put on a few pounds since then, but I'm also 41 now. It was just more of a Incan have her if I want her...
> 
> Honestly, there are some days I'm happy and glad it's worked out the way it has. Others, I wonder if I did the right thing.


Have you told your wife this? You should lay it all out for her and really ask yourself are you happy. If you are speak to her about this nagging feeling so you can move on. Obviously it still bothers you.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> Wasn't talking about anybody in particular. I'm saying 9 time out of 10 when a chick is doing her husband's friend, she's the one that came on to the friend.


She tells me he hit on here, while we were on vacation paid for by me haha. We went, our son and him and his 7 month pregnant wife. Us 3 went day drinking one day, I'm trying to lineup an offshore fishing trip and he's over there telling her he loves her. Then he gets sick, I have to wash his truck and while I'm outside of the truck washing his mess they are sitting in there talking about how they feel about each other. 

The next morning, we were all getting up to take showers and him and her went on a walk, way out of the norm and gone for an hour. She says nothing happened then, I don't know. 

About 2 months prior to this vacation he took her to an amusement park for her birthday. I told her I thought that was pushing it and didn't think them going alone was a good idea. Well, the next morning she's up and ready by 0700 and he's out in the driveway. I call her all day, and she says she left her phone in the truck. 

The "friendship" was going down hill then, but his wife called me and begged on his behalf for me to calm down. So, a few months later they are having sex. 

There are a few more opportunities where they seemed to be alone a d people questioned it. But I'll play stupid and assume the sex happened when she said it did. I'm not sure that frequency and timing is has important, it happened it happened...


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

jparistotle said:


> Have you told your wife this? You should lay it all out for her and really ask yourself are you happy. If you are speak to her about this nagging feeling so you can move on. Obviously it still bothers you.


I can't talk to her about it anymore...I guess because of how long it's been, if we do it's nothing but a fight.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

ABHale said:


> Why are you still with her?
> 
> why did you marry her a week later?
> 
> This is definitely a WTH post.


 It was like I said earlier. The whole man thing came about and I wanted to prove to myself I could have her if that's what I wanted, I guess. I was too stupid to realize they had sex until after the marriage. And if course it was all my fault to begin with, yes, I fell for that and assumed it all was.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am sorry for you, but I am not sure what you expecting. You can't even talk to her, she gets mad. When you read stories of people who are truly remorseful and understand the magnitude of what they did, they talk about it for years. And still a lot of those folks don't make it.

Look you got what you wanted, you have her but you are obviously very unhappy.

You can't make her work on it if she doesn't want to.

So you are left to decide, is this the life you want to live?

It really does go away if you move on to someone else. You just won't care. Let someone else deal with her ********.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

sokillme said:


> I am sorry for you, but I am not sure what you expecting. You can't even talk to her, she gets mad. When you read stories of people who are truly remorseful and understand the magnitude of what they did, they talk about it for years. And still a lot of those folks don't make it.
> 
> Look you got what you wanted, you have her but you are obviously very unhappy.
> 
> ...


I know...I've actually had this happen with two different woman. The first was a girl that I dated in high school. Ingot out of school and started the plant life, nights weekends etc...8 months later she's out partying and banging my buddy. Her life has become a complete trainwreck. 

Current wife use to tell me she can't imagine having that happen, and said she never would do something like that...only to do the exact same thing years later. 

Haha, so I've learned friends aren't all that. The last one use to ask me for woman advice, he was not a good looking guy, was broke even though he worked with me (in debt before getting the job) was younger than both of us, dressed like a bum, was a drunk, pretty much everything most women look down on. Oh, and a ****ty friend and husband, also a man that told my wife he didn't care about his unborn child because he hasn't met him yet...when he asked her to run away with him. So, I didn't see why she would be interested in any of that, his own wife use to text me and ask why he couldn't be more like me...oh boy, it's a cluster for sure.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Avgman said:


> I know...I've actually had this happen with two different woman. The first was a girl that I dated in high school. Ingot out of school and started the plant life, nights weekends etc...8 months later she's out partying and banging my buddy. Her life has become a complete trainwreck.
> 
> Current wife use to tell me she can't imagine having that happen, and said she never would do something like that...only to do the exact same thing years later.
> 
> Haha, so I've learned friends aren't all that. The last one use to ask me for woman advice, he was not a good looking guy, was broke even though he worked with me (in debt before getting the job) was younger than both of us, dressed like a bum, was a drunk, pretty much everything most women look down on. Oh, and a ****ty friend and husband, also a man that told my wife he didn't care about his unborn child because he hasn't met him yet...when he asked her to run away with him. So, I didn't see why she would be interested in any of that, his own wife use to text me and ask why he couldn't be more like me...oh boy, it's a cluster for sure.


Look I wrote a whole post, but it just seemed mean, and I really want to help you. 

The overall point was, people treat you the way you allow them too. 

Never love someone enough to allow them to abuse you, because they will and you will attract people who identify that in you and try to be with you for that reason. 

Frankly lots of guys would have pursued their friends wife after their friend cheated on them with their own wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ah don’t beat yourself up. There’s nothing to be gained by waiting once you know what’s going on. 

Once you know, you know. Waiting will only drag out the process.

The sooner you drop the ax and move on, the sooner you get on with the rest of your life.

No advantage to waiting.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

please tell me she is your ex now ?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You really should just divorce. You've been miserable for years, can't get past what she did, and there is no path to healing while you are with her. 

Just line up your ducks and get out.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I can’t imagine ever doing what you did. Damn.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

It's been a few days since I've been on here. Now, a new question. I decided to unblock the ex friend, the wife's affair partner on Facebook the other day. Maybe I like the punishment, who knows. But I remember a few years ago there being a concert event, we use to go to them but wasn't something we absolutely had to do. Well, this one done of our friends asked the wife to go, she just had to go. I can remember it being such a big deal, and she ran out the house before I could even get home. I was working days and more or less wasn't invited. She says she knew I wouldn't go anyway so it was no need to even ask, which is true....but, I felt like it was odd that she just had to go to this particular event. Well, the thing normally ends around 11, she got home around 230. All the basic, "we went to eat afterwards" comments. So I blow it off and all is forgotten. 

Till the other day, when I unblock the ex friend. I see the current friends had tagged everyone who went to this concert, the wife, and 9 others...one being the ex friend. So what are the chances of this being nothing? Maybe they just seen him there and that was it. But at the very least, isn't this a tasteless decision to tag my wife and him in the same post? Should I even bring this up to the wife, it was 3 years ago? I haven't yet, but trying to decide if it's even worth it. I already know pretty much whatever she tells me I won't believe anyway. 

I know the advice will continue to be the same, I know to get out of this relationship...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Avgman said:


> It's been a few days since I've been on here. Now, a new question. I decided to unblock the ex friend, the wife's affair partner on Facebook the other day. Maybe I like the punishment, who knows. But I remember a few years ago there being a concert event, we use to go to them but wasn't something we absolutely had to do. Well, this one done of our friends asked the wife to go, she just had to go. I can remember it being such a big deal, and she ran out the house before I could even get home. I was working days and more or less wasn't invited. She says she knew I wouldn't go anyway so it was no need to even ask, which is true....but, I felt like it was odd that she just had to go to this particular event. Well, the thing normally ends around 11, she got home around 230. All the basic, "we went to eat afterwards" comments. So I blow it off and all is forgotten.
> 
> Till the other day, when I unblock the ex friend. I see the current friends had tagged everyone who went to this concert, the wife, and 9 others...one being the ex friend. So what are the chances of this being nothing? Maybe they just seen him there and that was it. But at the very least, isn't this a tasteless decision to tag my wife and him in the same post? Should I even bring this up to the wife, it was 3 years ago? I haven't yet, but trying to decide if it's even worth it. I already know pretty much whatever she tells me I won't believe anyway.
> 
> I know the advice will continue to be the same, I know to get out of this relationship...


If you’re going to actually do something about it then by all means bring it up. However if you’re just going to let your wife bully you into letting it go then why bother. 
I don’t know if you realise this but you come across as incredibly weak and ***** whipped in your posts.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Avgman said:


> I wish I could have held back and watched just to see how long she would have actually messed around.


Why would you WANT to sit around and let it play out. You caught her, you know she cheated, why would you wait around and let her do it some more (unless I'm missing something -- you DID know she was cheating yes? So what would waiting have achieved?)


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Avgman said:


> I can't talk to her about it anymore...I guess because of how long it's been, if we do it's nothing but a fight.


Tough -- this is HER fault and it seems things were rug swept. SHE needs to understand that YOU still have issues with this.

BTW, when you found out did you tell the POSOM's wife?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Avgman said:


> It's been a few days since I've been on here. Now, a new question. I decided to unblock the ex friend, the wife's affair partner on Facebook the other day. Maybe I like the punishment, who knows. But I remember a few years ago there being a concert event, we use to go to them but wasn't something we absolutely had to do. Well, this one done of our friends asked the wife to go, she just had to go. I can remember it being such a big deal, and she ran out the house before I could even get home. I was working days and more or less wasn't invited. She says she knew I wouldn't go anyway so it was no need to even ask, which is true....but, I felt like it was odd that she just had to go to this particular event. Well, the thing normally ends around 11, she got home around 230. All the basic, "we went to eat afterwards" comments. So I blow it off and all is forgotten.
> 
> Till the other day, when I unblock the ex friend. I see the current friends had tagged everyone who went to this concert, the wife, and 9 others...one being the ex friend. So what are the chances of this being nothing? Maybe they just seen him there and that was it. But at the very least, isn't this a tasteless decision to tag my wife and him in the same post? Should I even bring this up to the wife, it was 3 years ago? I haven't yet, but trying to decide if it's even worth it. I already know pretty much whatever she tells me I won't believe anyway.
> 
> I know the advice will continue to be the same, I know to get out of this relationship...


Her doing that -- going to a concert with the AP and NOT you -- and not even TELLING you about it -- is pure self centered BS. 
You CERTAINLY should not put up with that at all.
Yes, you should bring this up to her -- regardless of the time. YOU just learned about it, and it's another example of her lying. 
Don't worry about the tagging -- HER actions are what you need to focus on.
WHY does she even KNOW this guy still? There should have been a hard NO CONTACT (at all for any reason). She violated that, and she should face the consequences over this.

Look you tried to reconcile, but it didn't take. Doesn't matter how long it took for it to fail in YOUR eyes. She is NOT a safe partner.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> If you’re going to actually do something about it then by all means bring it up. However if you’re just going to let your wife bully you into letting it go then why bother.
> I don’t know if you realise this but you come across as incredibly weak and *** whipped in your posts.


I know how it looks, believe me...it looks freaking terrible to be like that...

When I found out about the initial cheating, yes the guy's wife was notified immediately. This instance, I haven't said anything...for all I know his wife could have been there at this event. She wasn't tagged but the friends that did the tagging aren't friends with her. I haven't talked to him or her in 11 years, this event took place 3 years ago. I do know his wife screws around every chance she can now...I just haven't had contact with either of them. 

And things are relatively quiet around my house. I have a lot going on, I'm not pressed to make a move on the relationship right this second. Our son will graduate and turn 18 this summer. I've been dealing with this since 2010, a few more months isn't that big of a deal. I like getting here and having a place to let it out. It's starting to appear that the people I've called friends may not be the friends I thought they were all along. So that's why I come here. 

I know the feedback won't always be exactly what someone may want to hear, but I appreciate the feedback regardless. Thank you.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Avgman said:


> I know how it looks, believe me...it looks freaking terrible to be like that...
> 
> When I found out about the initial cheating, yes the guy's wife was notified immediately. This instance, I haven't said anything...for all I know his wife could have been there at this event. She wasn't tagged but the friends that did the tagging aren't friends with her. I haven't talked to him or her in 11 years, this event took place 3 years ago. I do know his wife screws around every chance she can now...I just haven't had contact with either of them.
> 
> ...


Your wife sounds like she has a deep undercurrent of disrespect. Again, you sound so deeply unhappy and resentful, but it’s for good reason. I’m sorry that your reconciliation is a sham. I hope you pursue happiness or at least contentment after your son leaves the nest.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

In the meantime, snoop around -- emails, phone, etc.. See if anything is still amiss....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you just can’t let her go because you are scared of being alone? Scared of losing financial stuff? Scared of what?

why are you hanging in there with an obvious serial cheater that bangs your ex friend every time she gets the chance?

and I have to ask. Why would you even consider allowing your gf or wife to go to an amusement park ALL DAY with your male “friend”??

Here’s the thing: None of my friends would even consider asking me (and I don’t have a lot of good friends but the few I have are life long friends and we are very close) if they and my SO could go anywhere together alone. They know the result of that.
why did this guy not expect the same answer from you?

YOU are the reason for this happening multiple times. You need to own it. Consider getting some counseling and stop being a person who people think they can step on without getting the response they’d get from most people.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> In the meantime, snoop around -- emails, phone, etc.. See if anything is still amiss....


She keeps her phone on her at all times. I have looked through it before, it's usually nothing there, but I'm sure these things are hidden or deleted...if there is anything there. I notice she actually sleeps with her phone in the bed.

When she was messing around she did it right in front of me, I guess I trusted him and her too much to notice. The trip to the amusement park for her bday was when I started to think something may be up. For her not to message or call all day, then say she left her phone in the truck was a slap. I raised concern but his own wife told me I was over reacting. And this is where I'm getting tired of hearing that "it was no big deal" " you are over reacting". Last time I "over reacted" I was right.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So If she is keeping her phone that close, she is still cheating. WHy SLEEP with the phone if not to try to protect it.
Look at your phone bill -- you sill see the phone numbers she calls, her text counts, etc.. I bet you will find stuff.
She is good at misdirecting you and you just take it. I would STOP doing that. If she says it's no big deal, or you are overreacting, tell her exactly that: The last time I felt like this you were cheating. Hand me your phone unlocked RIGHT NOW (do not give her time to delete anything) if you have nothing to hide.
If you don't I will know you are cheating, and will take my own steps. And THIS time this won't be rug swept.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> So If she is keeping her phone that close, she is still cheating. WHy SLEEP with the phone if not to try to protect it.
> Look at your phone bill -- you sill see the phone numbers she calls, her text counts, etc.. I bet you will find stuff.
> She is good at misdirecting you and you just take it. I would STOP doing that. If she says it's no big deal, or you are overreacting, tell her exactly that: The last time I felt like this you were cheating. Hand me your phone unlocked RIGHT NOW (do not give her time to delete anything) if you have nothing to hide.
> If you don't I will know you are cheating, and will take my own steps. And THIS time this won't be rug swept.


I've looked through the phone bill. There's so many other ways than just text or call now a days. That's actually how I caught them last time...1000's of text back and forth, all day, sometimes at night while I was sleeping in the bed beside her, while I was at work...even while he was at the house with me and she was at work they were texting.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You are not playing this smart at all. I have no clue what you are thinking.

You should have divorced her from the start.

Knowing that she is a cheater, you didn’t think that the concert was wrong. It took this long to find out that they were together again.

Call the OBS and ask her if she went to the concert. If she didn’t, find out what time her husband got home. Then confront your cheating spouse about it.

I just can’t understand how you live with being so laid back about her cheating.

Do you get off about it?


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

ABHale said:


> You are not playing this smart at all. I have no clue what you are thinking.
> 
> You should have divorced her from the start.
> 
> ...


No, I don't get off about it...

I don't have any contact with the other people, and I just found out that he was there at the concert this week. The event was 2017.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Avgman said:


> No, I don't get off about it...
> 
> I don't have any contact with the other people, and I just found out that he was there at the concert this week. The event was 2017.


And with your pervious experiences with your wife going places with others you never thought to look.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It honestly sounds like you wife has been cheating on you all of this time.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Avgman said:


> No, I don't get off about it...
> 
> I don't have any contact with the other people, and I just found out that he was there at the concert this week. The event was 2017.


Because your wife LIED to you about it. You KNOW that she should have told you RIGHT AWAY that he was there, and even MORE, she should have LEFT as soon as she found out he was there no matter WHAT she wanted to do. Again, it's all about what SHE wanted and didn't care about your views here. She didn't tell you because she didn't want to deal with it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Avgman said:


> It was like I said earlier. The whole man thing came about and I wanted to prove to myself I could have her if that's what I wanted, I guess. I was too stupid to realize they had sex until after the marriage. And if course it was all my fault to begin with, yes, I fell for that and assumed it all was.


*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

ABHale said:


> And with your pervious experiences with your wife going places with others you never thought to look.


As I already mentioned, I had them blocked on facebook. So, when it happened it didn't show him. I just happened to unblock him the other day, just to look around and see if anything like this was out there.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Because your wife LIED to you about it. You KNOW that she should have told you RIGHT AWAY that he was there, and even MORE, she should have LEFT as soon as she found out he was there no matter WHAT she wanted to do. Again, it's all about what SHE wanted and didn't care about your views here. She didn't tell you because she didn't want to deal with it.


She should have told me, you are correct. I haven't said anything about it to her yet. I'm working all this week, 14 to 16 hours, so I'll prob wait till I'm off again. I did however set the story up as if it was someone I worked with. 

She said " well, that doesn't mean they talked to each other" and then she also said in regards to the friends tagging them, " I'm glad we don't have to worry about stuff like this". It was everything I could do to keep from saying but we do and showing her. 

I'm really thinking of a way to put it out there and make her say that would be a very disrespectful thing before I show her it's all about her. If I go straight to her and him it will be blown over. So I want her to see and admit it as a bad thing before she knows it's about her and that I know.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Did you confront her when she first cheated.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

ABHale said:


> Did you confront her when she first cheated.


Yes, the day I saw how many times they were texting. He was at our house, she went to the gym and he couldn't get out of our house fast enough. I figured something was up so I went to the computer and pulled the phone history. They had been texting the entire day, as he was sitting there at the house with me. 

They were texting each other 300 to 1000 a day, that's sad. Her and I were texting back and forth maybe 10 times a day. So when she got home from the gym I asked to see her phone, she gave it to me but of course their text were deleted. So I asked why did she delete the 100s of text from him today? She said it was nothing and she did it on accident. So I called his wife, he was just getting home, of course. He had went to wherever she was at, he didn't go straight home. 

It took me about a month to get out of her that they had sex. She said initially that nothing happened, just talking. He said they had only kissed a few times and nothing more. But I finally got it out of here, which honestly, I already knew, I just wanted her to admit it. 

Of course it was all my fault. I didn't pay her any attention. I do remember the first day that she admitted she went to his house for the first sexual encounter. She asked me that night if I loved her, and how much. I told her yes. She said, how much? I told her enough, please go to sleep...we both we supposed to work the next morning. I got up and she was still in bed, she told me she was going in late. I pulled up the phone history from that date. She messaged him that morning, then messaged his wife like 20 times. Then there was nothing for about 3 hours. Then she started messaging his wife and him the rest of the day till I got home.

She said she messaged his wife to make sure she was still at work. The sad part his he was supposed to be my best friend, and she was supposed to be best friends with his wife. His wife was getting ready to pop with their first child.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Avgman said:


> It's been a few days since I've been on here. Now, a new question. I decided to unblock the ex friend, the wife's affair partner on Facebook the other day. Maybe I like the punishment, who knows. But I remember a few years ago there being a concert event, we use to go to them but wasn't something we absolutely had to do. Well, this one done of our friends asked the wife to go, she just had to go. I can remember it being such a big deal, and she ran out the house before I could even get home. I was working days and more or less wasn't invited. She says she knew I wouldn't go anyway so it was no need to even ask, which is true....but, I felt like it was odd that she just had to go to this particular event. Well, the thing normally ends around 11, she got home around 230. All the basic, "we went to eat afterwards" comments. So I blow it off and all is forgotten.
> 
> Till the other day, when I unblock the ex friend. I see the current friends had tagged everyone who went to this concert, the wife, and 9 others...one being the ex friend. So what are the chances of this being nothing? Maybe they just seen him there and that was it. But at the very least, isn't this a tasteless decision to tag my wife and him in the same post? Should I even bring this up to the wife, it was 3 years ago? I haven't yet, but trying to decide if it's even worth it. I already know pretty much whatever she tells me I won't believe anyway.
> 
> I know the advice will continue to be the same, I know to get out of this relationship...


Polygraph or divorce. She is not believable.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Avgman said:


> Does anyone wish they could have played it cooler when finding out about their spouses affair?
> 
> My wife was sleeping with my best friend or so I thought he was. She's always been a hugger and I never suspected them of messing around. We worked together and one day he was at the house when she came home from work. She went to the gym and he couldn't get out of the house fast enough to "go home". The hug that night and him acting like a little kid told me instantly something was up. He followed her to the gym to fool around. They messed around for about 2 months. The Facebook post can confirm as she started talking about missing someone time they leave (when we were both off, so he was over our house) and post saying how she wasn't picky and liked it wherever she could get it ( I was on nights and they hung out later that night), etc. About 3 days prior to me catching them we went to a bon fire and she was gone off with him on a golf cart ride for about an hour and posted how a bonfire never felt soooo good. Well I was clueless...but when I seen the phone records I lost it, couldn't wait to confront her that night when she got home from the gym.
> 
> ...


So what's the outcome now? You're still together? What do you think would change if you waited longer? I don't think anything would have been different, you just would have found she would have cheated with him for a while.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You are clearly not ever going to heal from this. Just divorce her. You've been lamenting on and on for years. Her affair was TEN YEARS AGO.

You are discussing tactics that are usually discussed in Year 1. Why are you continuing this self-torture? She's not going to give you what you need to heal. So, get out, or let it go. My advice is to get out - this is too much.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you just can’t let her go because you are scared of being alone? Scared of losing financial stuff? Scared of what?
> 
> why are you hanging in there with an obvious serial cheater that bangs your ex friend every time she gets the chance?
> 
> ...


Actually am scared of losing financial stuff, it's all my investment financially. I know that might sound bad but she has brought absolutely nothing to that table. I've spent over 30k on her credit card mistake, school loans, etc. She's terrible with money. I'm 41, I'm looking at retirement by 50. I know how she is, she will want half of that time I mention divorce. I know nothing about divorce or how this works.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Avgman said:


> Actually am scared of losing financial stuff, it's all my investment financially. I know that might sound bad but she has brought absolutely nothing to that table. I've spent over 30k on her credit card mistake, school loans, etc. She's terrible with money. I'm 41, I'm looking at retirement by 50. I know how she is, she will want half of that time I mention divorce. I know nothing about divorce or how this works.


You need to get with a lawyer (or a few) to figure this stuff out. I'm sure the $$ you used for her school loans etc. can be figured in but you will need someone very conversant in the financials (and YOU need to have all the data) to figure this out. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you stuck. Go actively learn.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Here comes the 2x4.
You're an idiot! Of course you're going to get hosed financially. But, you're 41, you'll have time to recover. If you wait much longer, not so much.
I'm 59, guess what I should have done at 41!
I can't recover, you can.
Don't be that idiot. As a man, you only have two things, time and money. You can get more money, time, not so much.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People have all sorts of “reasons” for why they stay. Money is a primary one so you have plenty of company there. Now all you have to do is learn to live with the choice you’ve made.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, if you are too worried, then maybe YOU just stop interacting with your wife and go out and find your own AP -- she obviously thinks you have an open marriage and she can do whatever she wants -- so maybe YOU should open YOUR half and ignore HER wants.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> So, if you are too worried, then maybe YOU just stop interacting with your wife and go out and find your own AP -- she obviously thinks you have an open marriage and she can do whatever she wants -- so maybe YOU should open YOUR half and ignore HER wants.


That sounds interesting, honestly, I'm more interested in making as much money as I can , raise my son, and enjoy the time him and I spend outdoors. We bought a nice boat for fishing the bay and ocean side and him and I used it a lot last summer. 

I could easily have another companion, I actually have a post on here talking about my ex trying to plan time together. I blew it off and haven't heard from her since I posted it on here. 

I have not always been perfect, believe me...I don't want to go that route anymore. I don't know if for sure she has messed around since then. I know my post would make you suspect that, but I don't know. I actually messaged the guy that's having the affair with my ex friends wife now to see if she remembers being there with him that night... Going to see what she says, she could always bs me too, so we will see.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

I don't think I should just straight out ask the wife yet...she is supposed to be going out of town at the end of the month with the same friend that tagger her and the affair partner in that post together 5 years ago. 

The funny thing is, my wife says she doesn't trust this friend. She says she knows she would mess with me in second... prob not the best friends for an ex cheater to have and then it makes me believe she knows this particular friend will hide stuff, like this concert deal.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

What does I have not always been perfect believe me mean?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Avgman said:


> I don't think I should just straight out ask the wife yet...she is supposed to be going out of town at the end of the month with the same friend that tagger her and the affair partner in that post together 5 years ago.
> 
> *The funny thing is, my wife says she doesn't trust this friend. *She says she knows she would mess with me in second... prob not the best friends for an ex cheater to have and then it makes me believe she knows this particular friend will hide stuff, like this concert deal.


your wife lies to you constantly, I suspect she bangs Other men when she goes on these adventures with her wing man and has done it the whole marriage, but I’m speculating. I’ll bet you make good money. She enjoys the easy life and enjoys banging other men on her escapades.
You are nothing but a wallet to her.

she doesn’t trust her friend? Ha! It’s because your wife knows that her friend is just like Her.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

I found out the guy's wife was with him at the event...still think our current friend is a bum for tagging them both on a facebook post considering they know the situation.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I also think your WIFE is bum for actually going through with it WHILE he was there, and NEVER ONCE mentioned it to you.
As for your wife's weekend away with her sketchy friend -- maybe get a PI to watch them that weekend....


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> your wife lies to you constantly, I suspect she bangs Other men when she goes on these adventures with her wing man and has done it the whole marriage, but I’m speculating. I’ll bet you make good money. She enjoys the easy life and enjoys banging other men on her escapades.
> You are nothing but a wallet to her.
> 
> she doesn’t trust her friend? Ha! It’s because your wife knows that her friend is just like Her.


Totally. Her comment is a red herring, a distraction from the person who is really dangerous. Her.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> I also think your WIFE is bum for actually going through with it WHILE he was there, and NEVER ONCE mentioned it to you.
> As for your wife's weekend away with her sketchy friend -- maybe get a PI to watch them that weekend....


I think not mentioning to me is the worse. Going to an event and staying there because he was there with his wife I don't care too much about. I don't think I can expect her to not do anything, and to run away if he shows up. This was something that a few thousand people attended. I would expect her to say hey, before you hear from someone else, him and his wife were there. And I really don't expect to see them tagged in a facebook post together as if it was okay. Especially considering the friend that tagged them won't allow her husband to go to certain restaurants because the dress code by the waitresses... if I tagged him and an ex girlfriend she would have probably killed us both.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Avgman said:


> I think not mentioning to me is the worse. Going to an event and staying there because he was there with his wife I don't care too much about. I don't think I can expect her to not do anything, and to run away if he shows up. This was something that a few thousand people attended. I would expect her to say hey, before you hear from someone else, him and his wife were there. And I really don't expect to see them tagged in a facebook post together as if it was okay. Especially considering the friend that tagged them won't allow her husband to go to certain restaurants because the dress code by the waitresses... if I tagged him and an ex girlfriend she would have probably killed us both.


I would expect my spouse to not do anything that can be remotely construed as disrespectful to my marriage. I would absolutely expect that they never share space with their AP for the rest of eternity and immediately leave any place where the person shows up, even if it’s church. Not only that, I’d expect my spouse to never hang out with friends who would know the situation and still hang out with the AP separately or together and definitely not ones who tag people on FB to advertise it. And lastly, if my cheater spouse wanted to go on vacation by themselves with a friend, it better damn well be someone I trust 1000% to respect my marriage and family. 

You sound like you’re still making excuses for her bad behavior. She’s an a-hole.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Avgman said:


> Actually am scared of losing financial stuff, it's all my investment financially. I know that might sound bad but she has brought absolutely nothing to that table. I've spent over 30k on her credit card mistake, school loans, etc. She's terrible with money. I'm 41, I'm looking at retirement by 50. I know how she is, she will want half of that time I mention divorce. I know nothing about divorce or how this works.


How does it feel to live in fear?

Probably worse than actually losing a portion of the retirement, because then you actually know your enemy rather than allowing your imagination to dream up the worst possible outcome. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Avgman said:


> Actually am scared of losing financial stuff, it's all my investment financially. I know that might sound bad but she has brought absolutely nothing to that table. I've spent over 30k on her credit card mistake, school loans, etc. She's terrible with money. I'm 41, I'm looking at retirement by 50. I know how she is, she will want half of that time I mention divorce. I know nothing about divorce or how this works.


Guess what? Those financial assets you're afraid of losing - they are not yours. They are hers according to the law. The more money you make = the more money she makes. So cut her loose and focus on building *your* assets for retirement. Don't make her retirement any cushier than it already is. Don't make any alimony payment any higher than it would be right now. Start thinking about what you will gain and not what you have already lost. That's a sunk cost fallacy.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> How does it feel to live in fear?
> 
> Probably worse than actually losing a portion of the retirement, because then you actually know your enemy rather than allowing your imagination to dream up the worst possible outcome.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


This!

You rug swept this and now it is eating you alive.

It's only going to get worse for you as time passes.

Don't live in fear.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Retirement is somewhat of a declaration of financial independence. It's being independent of having to work in order to live a joyful and comfortable life. If you're retired at 50, you're telling yourself you accept being with a wife who you cannot trust and her respect for you is questionable at best and non-existent at worst. 

Pick your poison. I'd bet on you having the wits, wherewithal and knowhow to rebuild your financial success rather than betting on her being the wife you would like her to be and that you deserve. The former you have complete control over. The latter you have no such control.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You do know she can turn around and take half of everything when she finally decides to do so. How do you know she isn’t waiting for your son to turn 18 to up and leave with half of everything?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If she isn’t working. Depending on your state, you might have to pay her alimony for life. The longer your married the more you pay.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

If you have to wait till she balls deep in your friend's junk than I think you have the wrong perspective. You should expect unwaivering fidelity. If that's not there then it's only a matter of time my friend.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

She's not going to leave... Why would she, she had it made. Brand new vehicle, nice house, credit cards that I pay, doesn't have to cook or clean it grocery shop because I do all that on my off days...I don't check on her, she has it made... But I don't mind because she leaves me alone and I leave her alone.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Avgman said:


> She's not going to leave... Why would she, she had it made. Brand new vehicle, nice house, credit cards that I pay, doesn't have to cook or clean it grocery shop because I do all that on my off days...I don't check on her, she has it made... But I don't mind because she leaves me alone and I leave her alone.


You’d be better off with a Labrador.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Avgman said:


> She's not going to leave... Why would she, she had it made. Brand new vehicle, nice house, credit cards that I pay, doesn't have to cook or clean it grocery shop because I do all that on my off days...I don't check on her, she has it made... But I don't mind because she leaves me alone and I leave her alone.


You don’t have to wait for her to dissolve the marriage? Might I recommend you start by canceling credit cards, have her get them in her name only....sell the new car and get her a cheaper car, stop rewarding bad behavior.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You need To stop and realize you have power you have given to her starting with self esteem....stop performing like a beta and more like an alpha...stop doing things for her and starting doing for yourself.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Avgman said:


> She's not going to leave... Why would she, she had it made. Brand new vehicle, nice house, credit cards that I pay, doesn't have to cook or clean it grocery shop because I do all that on my off days...I don't check on her, she has it made... But I don't mind because she leaves me alone and I leave her alone.


Pretty sure you can trade it in for a better model and year. The wife, not the car.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

STOP doing things for her. STOP shopping and doing anything that benefits her. WHY you have put up with this crap for 11 years is beyond me -- at least if there was a real attempt to reconcile, etc. that would be one thing, but there is not.
You need to get your plans together -- SHE may file when your son graduates. YOU need to get your own plans of what YOU want so you don't just accept her plan.
Your son is certainly old enough to know the truth about his mother and why you will be divorcing her. Do you think the example of your marriage is a GOOD thing for your child? It is NOT. Staying just for the sake of him was NOT showing him a good thing.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Pretty sure you can trade it in for a better model and year. The wife, not the car.


Hey hey hey, watch it with the years...lol. All years have their value!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Avgman said:


> She's not going to leave... Why would she, she had it made. Brand new vehicle, nice house, credit cards that I pay, doesn't have to cook or clean it grocery shop because I do all that on my off days...I don't check on her, she has it made... But I don't mind because she leaves me alone and I leave her alone.


Where can I sign up?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Hey hey hey, watch it with the years...lol. All years have their value!


Alright, maybe a classic then. I’m not baggin. Still a better model and year.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Avgman said:


> She's not going to leave... Why would she, she had it made. Brand new vehicle, nice house, credit cards that I pay, doesn't have to cook or clean it grocery shop because I do all that on my off days...I don't check on her, she has it made... But I don't mind because she leaves me alone and I leave her alone.


WTF

Damn, she gets to have sex with others and you do all the chores. I would say she has it made.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Do you wear a collar for her as well?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Avgman said:


> She's not going to leave... Why would she, she had it made. Brand new vehicle, nice house, credit cards that I pay, doesn't have to cook or clean it grocery shop because I do all that on my off days...I don't check on her, she has it made... But I don't mind because she leaves me alone and I leave her alone.


All of this screams you are desperate. Desperation doesn't look good on anyone. Her family and friends probably snicker about you.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

Well, I'm not doing all of that stuff to necessarily benefit her. I do the shopping so I'm straight for work, and I enjoy cooking and all on my days off. I cannot stand for clothes to pile up, I literally put them in the wash as I pull them off. 

Today for example, I got up this morning with a terrible pulled muscle in the back (from the gym Fri) and cooked breakfast, washed clothes and tool care of the dogs. I cannot sit still or lay around all day, it's so wasteful and drives me insane. 

I don't think the few friends we have make fun of it most of them wish their husbands did the things I do. I'd do all this even if it wasn't absolutely required of me. I'm very independent. I know looking at the post and seeing what I say it seems as if I'm desperate. Like I said, most of everything I do is by choice, not necessity.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, just STOP doing these things for HER -- for the clothes, do YOUR laundry -- just push hers to the side. Cook for YOU, not her. If you can't lay around and NOT do the work for her, then go OUT instead of staying home. Go for a hike, go for a bike ride, etc.. Just LEAVE. You wait on her hand and foot and SHE goes out banging other men leaving YOU to do the housework? STOP -- you choose to do this so CHOOSE TO NOT DO THIS for her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤯

Your marriage your life. If you want to remain with a cheating wife, your choice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Avgman said:


> Well, I'm not doing all of that stuff to necessarily benefit her. I do the shopping so I'm straight for work, and I enjoy cooking and all on my days off. I cannot stand for clothes to pile up, I literally put them in the wash as I pull them off.
> 
> Today for example, I got up this morning with a terrible pulled muscle in the back (from the gym Fri) and cooked breakfast, washed clothes and tool care of the dogs. I cannot sit still or lay around all day, it's so wasteful and drives me insane.
> 
> I don't think the few friends we have make fun of it most of them wish their husbands did the things I do. I'd do all this even if it wasn't absolutely required of me. I'm very independent. I know looking at the post and seeing what I say it seems as if I'm desperate. Like I said, most of everything I do is by choice, not necessity.


Ironically you could do all of this without her and really find out if there are women who would want a husband like you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why bother looking and posting this if you’re just gonna stay and take it?

You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.


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