# "i hope our sons dont turn out like you"



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

i heard this from my wife the other day. i asked her why of course. if i because i was a bad father. she said no. i was a great father. if i was a bad husband, she said no. i was a good husband.
so why?:scratchhead:

apparently because im not "nice"
i asked her what she meant by that. i donate, im fair with people i think.
she said "because i dont like anyone. im just not nice to anyone".

you guys get this too?

i asked a friend (who in her mind i must not be nice too???).

he says it must be a ploy. And that his wife says he isnt "nice " either.
:scratchhead:

Other thing i have heard from her is me not a "family man". which i dunno. i do support the family. i spend time with them. i dont know., 

But i drive home today from work. im looking around. i have to admit i never envisioned my life would end up this way. wife, kids, house in suburbia, we have have the dog. suv is basically nothing but a station wagon. so out of work, i come in the house, sons loud, yelling, this and that, he is young. i get this. baby is crying. And she is smiling and walks up and gives me a kiss.
And all i kept thinking, was how did this all happen?
i was the one that i always thought would end up single and living in a condo. i had a maid when i met her. i had a sportscar. Now there is a suv in the driveway. i lived in vegas. now in in suburbia with a white picket fence. 
This was my idea of hell growing up. i envisioned hell as a house in suburbia with a picket fence and a station wagon.
it isnt a money thing, we arent poor. It is a lifestyle thing.
Maybe this is what she meant, by me not being a "family man". Maybe that side of me shows through. Maybe the excitement in my voice she hears over going somewhere, or being away from the suburbia house, is really something she caught on to i didnt. Is there a chance she can hear dread in my voice when i say im coming home? 
Is this how some guys, just one day go out for a gallon of milk, and are never seen again?
it has me thinking. Even my mother said she was shocked i settled down. Happy, but shocked. she didnt envision me or me even being capable of this type of life. i hated the suburbia american family thing. The idea of the american dream was my idea of hell.
it has me thinking.....


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

and yes. i did tell my wife this. My thoughts. her only answer was "im a damn good wife to you, i try very hard to make you happy. you should have thought of all this before you stuck your **** in me and got me pregnant with the first kid, or the second, or the third."
kind of hard to argue with that. 

I think part of it is her, and some of our spats, i think most of it is me. In fact 99 percent of this, is me. this isnt my first time around on this. last time i took a vacation from the family for a couple months. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances on me taking some time away but i still saw them. just didnt live with them. I actually moved into another property for a while and still saw them, had intimate relations with the wife. Just didnt live with them. Also about nine years ago, i kind of shut down on my wife. blocked her out. i think i was close to bailing then. But i didnt.
i never actually bailed, i made sure she and child or children were supported. Still paid the bills. i just seem to have a problem with the entire thing itself to some degree. I used to go on vacation back to vegas by myself. Without the family. Looking back on that, i guess that would appear odd. i just would get the urge to be back there.
Maybe it is obvious, written all over me and she just looks at me and knows it. Maybe i dont have to explain a thing to her.

you guys ever go through this?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Paying the bills alone does not a good husband make.

I never thought I would be married either; I envisioned being a single woman who dated a lot but never married. Now I am wearing rings, my last name has changed and I get excited about recipes. 

Your wife likely feels that you are not truly committed to the family and that's why she thinks you are not nice. It is pretty selfish to "take a two month vacation" away from your family just because of your own needs. I wouldn't put up with my husband going to Vegas alone or living apart from me. That is not what marriage is and maybe your wife thinks that you are setting a bad example for your sons. 

How old are you? Could this be a midlife crisis? I don't think you are being very fair to your wife or your kids. Your actions are sending the message that you cannot be trusted not to bail on them just because you feel like pretending you're a bachelor.

What made you change your mind about marriage and fatherhood?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

36. could be a midlife crisis. But that would mean i visited it at 26, 29, and 36. i keep getting back there......
i didnt choose to have a family. it happend. i dont regret it, but i think i honestly feel kind of like a fish out of water with the entire thing. Like i dont quite fit. square peg, round hole.
i probably harbor some resentments as well, and maybe never quite settled down. appeared to settle down, but maybe i really never quite accepted it...:scratchhead:

Really has nothing to do with my wife and kids, i love my wife and kids, more of a square peg, round hole situation...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Of course you knew that unprotected sex could easily result in a baby right? 

What made you decide to marry your wife if you knew you didn't want this life?

Did you get married because she was pregnant?

Who do you resent?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

im a little schizoid too, and prior military. i think i commented on here before im kind of like being with plant. I naturally am detached. Just am. My entire family is that way, raised that way, personality and i have no doubt being in the service made it worse. I do make efforts in family things. But maybe she just sees it.
And i get bored quick. like real quick.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Of course you knew that unprotected sex could easily result in a baby right?
> 
> What made you decide to marry your wife if you knew you didn't want this life?
> 
> ...


i dont regret that though. right thing to do. And probably good for me. keep me straight and narrow. lol.
i think i resent being stuck with a station wagon and a house in suburbia with a picket fence though.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Think im going to go get a stiff drink before i decide to go the the store for a gallon of milk.

i need a drink.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

okay, drink in hand.
cant blame the wife. she is like the betty crocker perfect submissive wife. she has done a lot of things to test me, get my attention. Basically do things wrong to make sure i was still there and get me to react. But realistically, i was gone for a year once when i was in the service. well mostly deployed, i stopped in vegas after for a while before i came home. And as already said, there is more to being a husband than paying the bills. im not exactly easy to deal with. she is probably closer to mother teresa for being able to be married to me at all.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Dutiful marriages rarely work out. They become a slow death trapped in a seemingly perfect life. 

Nobody should get married because of family expectations. This is YOUR life to live and not your family's. You alone have to live your truth and you have not been honest with yourself.

Not coming home immediately after a year long deployment is a red flag. Weren't you excited to see your wife again?

Have you had any counseling for the schzoid PD? 

What will be your next steps?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Dutiful marriages rarely work out. They become a slow death trapped in a seemingly perfect life.
> 
> Nobody should get married because of family expectations. This is YOUR life to live and not your family's. You alone have to live your truth and you have not been honest with yourself.
> 
> ...


no. i test high on schizoid and antipersonality with online tests. Younger i tested high end on antipersonality. had a issue in school and i had to take a psyche eval before i could go back in or i would have been expelled.. Well, that and my parents waving a lot of cash around to get me back in and threatening to sue. Yes, i was mean to someone and was almost expelled i went after another kid and chased the down the road till i caught them outside the school. so probably schizoid and antisocial. But they love that **** in the military so i didnt have a issue. Family life is a much different story.

next steps? dont know. finish my drink i guess.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

and yeah, i missed my wife. But after that round, i didnt want to see anyone for a while. i wasnt fit to see anyone for a while. i had to clear my head. it wasnt a good year.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There's your answer,


bribrius said:


> I naturally am detached. Just am. My entire family is that way, raised that way, personality and i have no doubt being in the service made it worse. I do make efforts in family things. But maybe she just sees it.
> And i get bored quick. like real quick.


You may be in attendance with the family, at events, and do all the things that dad's and husband's do ... but from your wife's perspective, you aren't 'present'.

You aren't engaged, involved, invested in those things. 

I'm just guessing. But given what you've outlined, it obviously is working for the both of you.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

short answer

marriage is not for most men let alone most people. Its something that people should really think over. Most are not capable of being happy in a marriage its something they force upon themselves and their own actions merit their happiness in life. Nobody else to blame but yourself you alone can change things and decide where your mind is for that day and life.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Maybe she can see you're not really happy in your life and she's hoping things will be different for her sons.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

bribrius said:


> and yes. i did tell my wife this. My thoughts. her only answer was "im a damn good wife to you, i try very hard to make you happy. you should have thought of all this before you stuck your **** in me and got me pregnant with the first kid, or the second, or the third."
> kind of hard to argue with that.


Well maybe, just maybe a little more thought about the consequences and responsibilities of children might have been advisable.
But I don't think many of us men think with our big head when our little head takes over.
And I'm sure your wife was a more than willing participant in proceedings.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Deejo said:


> There's your answer,
> 
> 
> You may be in attendance with the family, at events, and do all the things that dad's and husband's do ... but from your wife's perspective, you aren't 'present'.
> ...


probably what it is. i never pretended to be the perfect family guy either. Never said i would be. I try. She would actually probably do better with a man more needy as well, so she feels needed. There are needy men out there, i just dont happen to be one of them. But for her to do that she wouldnt be allowed to be the submissive codependent. Guess i cant have it all, and she cant either. Someone who is needy wouldnt be taking care of her and she wouldnt have this life. Granted, she might have more of the family man she wants, but she could end up with a dead beat to so who knows. 

From the sounds of it, it isnt just me who runs into this. i get the feeling from the responses i may be one of the norm. Thankyou. You are probably all right to varying degrees.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

If you get in your head that you need to be "nice" you're screwed. This is what women tell you to be and then when you are they lose interest in you. Don't fall for it. 

This forum is filled with "nice guys". And about the kids, mum always try to make them into perfect "nice" guys. Who then get screwed over by not so nice people. Try not to let that happen.

That little insecurity your wife is displaying, saying you're not a "family guy" when you clearly are in your mind is very likely that horrible intent to tame her men. Problem is, if she succeeds then you lose value. 

Counter-intuitive as it is you should not allow your wife to re-engineer you! Remember that women have plenty of nice guys around. Yet she choose you! This wasn't an accident. Don't become the guy she didn't choose.

That doesn't mean that you should not act married and as a family man. It means you should be more besides that.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Maybe she can see you're not really happy in your life and she's hoping things will be different for her sons.


except you. But thanks for the reply.By her tone, she isnt concerned about my sons being happy. She is concerned they will be detached ****heads and not family oriented men.
Perhaps she wants to emasculate them at a young age to help their future wives. She is already telling our three year old son all about being "nice". But then again he throws things, would stab you with a fork or hit you over the head and isnt very nice so.....
He doesnt listen to her anyway half the time. None of the kids really do. i actually dont either. so no one really listens to my wife in the house. in some ways her life does suck i suppose. Could be another thing that frustrates her. She says "my kids" just wont listen to her. That is how i know she is having a bad day when they are my kids and not our kids. or she will say "you need to deal with your kids i cant do it they wont listen to me".

Apparently im not a family guy but im a scary enough father figure to keep the children in line.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Perhaps she doesn't want the kids growing up thinking its okay to bail on the family as long as you "pay the bills". That would not be acceptable to me, and it almost appears as if you are building a walk away wife. 

I am guessing you are completely okay with her deciding she wants to bail, and you just come home to a note stating "best wishes with the children, I will be back when I feel like it"??


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

bribrius said:


> and yes. i did tell my wife this. My thoughts. her only answer was "im a damn good wife to you, i try very hard to make you happy. you should have thought of all this before you stuck your **** in me and got me pregnant with the first kid, or the second, or the third."
> kind of hard to argue with that.
> 
> I think part of it is her, and some of our spats, i think most of it is me. In fact 99 percent of this, is me. this isnt my first time around on this. last time i took a vacation from the family for a couple months. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances on me taking some time away but i still saw them. just didnt live with them. I actually moved into another property for a while and still saw them, had intimate relations with the wife. Just didnt live with them. Also about nine years ago, i kind of shut down on my wife. blocked her out. i think i was close to bailing then. But i didnt.
> ...


You sound selfish and self indulgent.

I wouldn't trust you either.

A loving committed partner does not do the things you described, a self indulgent child does.

JMO

You sound like you'll never be happy, and eventually your wife may want someone who is excited to be with her, who actually gets what he has and appreciates it, instead of looking at the glass as half full.

And by your last post you are teaching your sons to disrespect their mother. Any smart person knows that they should instil in their children respect for the other parent. If you want your sons to grow up disrespecting people and not bothering to listen to those who they should treasure and love, and who's opinion and thoughts should matter the most, then keep on keeping on. One day they may just stop listening to you too.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Perhaps she doesn't want the kids growing up thinking its okay to bail on the family as long as you "pay the bills". That would not be acceptable to me, and it almost appears as if you are building a walk away wife.
> 
> I am guessing you are completely okay with her deciding she wants to bail, and you just come home to a note stating "best wishes with the children, I will be back when I feel like it"??


This actually struck a nerve with me. Because i actually had a live in girlfriend that left me once while i was gone. I was younger then. i got home from being away and there was a note on the bed telling me she couldnt live that way. What to do? I tracked her down but not to get her back, just gave her a kiss goodbye and said i hoped she had a good life. Im not sure if she wanted me to chase after her, or beg her to come back, or what. But i dont beg anyone or chase anyone. 
I cant picture my wife bailing. When i bail she follows after me. And she is actually happy with her sahm routine and life. Says she wouldnt trade it for the world. I think she just has some things she doesnt like. It is food for thought. Thanks for the response.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

bribrius said:


> When i bail she follows after me. And she is actually happy with her sahm routine and life. Says she wouldnt trade it for the world.


FOR NOW. Eventually she will get tired, and the chase will be over. She will lose interest, and either end up "replacing" you while you are on one of your "vacations" or she will be a walk away wife.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> You sound selfish and self indulgent.
> 
> I wouldn't trust you either.
> 
> ...


i've heard that. she has said "most guys would kill to have what you have."
But i think the majority of it i earned it. Not like it was given to me. Really isnt even for me, it is for them. I dont care about the house. And maybe im not most guys.
I really dont have anything, least material wise, i couldnt just walk away from either. Most of what i have doesnt really mean anything to me. i would probably just sign the house over to her, put the other stuff in a trust for the kids. Cash out. We have a prenup but it isnt that i really care about protecting anything but assets i recieved from my parents. i really dont need anything. But i am guessing by "most guys would kill to have what you have" is not meant in just a materialistic way. But she sees her role and the family as a major asset somehow. Which i dont disagree. i obviously do love my family. But most people do have families. Is that really some special achievement?
You find a woman, get her pregnant, have some kids, buy a house. All pretty standard isnt it?


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Bribrius, I would think that man who asks his wife to rate her orgasms on a 1 to 10 scale, cares more about her than he's letting on...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Bribrius, I would think that man who asks his wife to rate her orgasms on a 1 to 10 scale, cares more about her than he's letting on...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


it isnt about love, care. nothing to do with it.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

DawnD said:


> FOR NOW. Eventually she will get tired, and the chase will be over. She will lose interest, and either end up "replacing" you while you are on one of your "vacations" or she will be a walk away wife.


If i had to put money on it, i would say she is probably the more devoted one in our relationship. And suppose if she walked away, she walked away. is what it is. For infidelity i would file a divorce. About the only condition i would file under. 
i have asked her that before. If she would ever cheat or divorce. she said "never. you would like it to much. i wouldnt give you the satisfaction you are stuck with me until we are dead i take my wedding vows seriously."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think it's likely that your wife says you're not "nice" because she can tell you don't respect her, value her contributions, or care about her or your children in any real and committed way. 

And, yes, most women can sense contempt/apathy. Both because they're intuitive and because people who feel that way don't really hide it all that well.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

bribrius said:


> If i had to put money on it, i would say she is probably the more devoted one in our relationship. And suppose if she walked away, she walked away. is what it is. For infidelity i would file a divorce. About the only condition i would file under.
> i have asked her that before. If she would ever cheat or divorce. she said "never. you would like it to much. i wouldnt give you the satisfaction you are stuck with me until we are dead i take my wedding vows seriously."


And about 50% of people who do cheat never saw themselves in that place. But you just honestly admitted that no one listens to her, especially you, you don't reinforce your children to have respect for their mother, you leave and move out whenever you get a hair up your arse,etc, etc. Eventually her needs will get so starved that she will find someone else or leave. And I am not talking about leaving with the kids. I am talking about you coming home to a sitter or a parent and her saying "Hey, its your turn now, have fun. Peace out, I will be back when I am back". She will feel that it is owed to her to get some free time away from you and the kids as well.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Deejo said:


> There's your answer,
> 
> 
> You may be in attendance with the family, at events, and do all the things that dad's and husband's do ... but from your wife's perspective, you aren't 'present'.
> ...


To add to this, I would say you need to get involved and participate in your life. Your posts sound pretty passive, in that "things happened to you", while ignoring your involvement. So if suburbia is your version of hell, see what you can do to change it. Would your wife be up for buying a place in the city? What activites could you pursue with the family that are consistent with what you did as bachelor. Where can you meld your family with the life that you want? 

Stop sitting on the sidelines and pretending that you have no control over anything.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Hi.

Bribrius... couple things. I feel for you. I do. I can see that this bothers you and you want to change the relationship landscape which is good.

I also disagree with almost everything I see you write - but that doesnt matter. 

(sidebar: I think those that may be pontificating about the wisdom of having kids in the past are probably being counterproductive at this point.)

One thing that bothers me:

_*"i hope our sons dont turn out like you"*_

This is unkind, unfair - nothing good comes of this. Nothing. It is cold and infinitely hurtful and a wrong tact to take. In fact - it would be hard for me to dream up something that would be more effective at driving a wedge into a family than that - especially when tossed out there as an emotional accusation or in anger.

Even if you both accept that there are behaviors that you would both prefer not to instill in your kids - she needs to find a better way to express that than tearing you down as a person and basically calling you an unfit parent.

You seem pretty willing to accept the responsibility of being less than perfect here...not to mention being detached etc I bet my bottom dollar she has her own faults as well. However I think she should find a better way to deal with conflict throwing around a phrase like that which pretty much says that you have no value. I would call her on that one and force her to own up to what she is saying.

You know - if she really feels that way, I mean bitter and angry and resentful and feels like you are a 'bad influence'.. then you both have some more talking to do.

man - good luck.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> To add to this, I would say you need to get involved and participate in your life. Your posts sound pretty passive, in that "things happened to you", while ignoring your involvement. So if suburbia is your version of hell, see what you can do to change it. Would your wife be up for buying a place in the city? What activites could you pursue with the family that are consistent with what you did as bachelor. Where can you meld your family with the life that you want?
> 
> Stop sitting on the sidelines and pretending that you have no control over anything.


This is something worth considering. During one of my vegas trips i tried to talk her into coming out with the kids. Moving them there. She was against the idea of raising the children in vegas. Then i suggested we ship the children back and forth, and i stay there for a while. But realistically, and she was right, shipping the children back and forth just wouldnt be very healthy.
so i came back. But there is room here. She would move if push came to shove, she wouldnt like it. But she would do it. i dont want to sound like a victim here, im not a victim i do have some options. She just wont like many of them. But she deals. She doesnt like alot of things but it never stopped me from doing them. i have some pull here. Perhaps it is if it is worth it to me to upset her world more....
She is just very happy staying in her bubble, where she is.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Hi.
> 
> Bribrius... couple things. I feel for you. I do. I can see that this bothers you and you want to change the relationship landscape which is good.
> 
> ...


Thankyou. Her saying that wasn't very nice. But it didnt really bother me. she just acts like a tough cookie. In fact she acts the toughest right before she breaks down. it is a act. Ive seen it before many times. It is her "tough girl" act. I seen it once over me being gone for a while and ten minutes later she was on the floor balling her eyes out because she thought i was leaving her again.
i was more concerned over how true the statement was, and how upset she was. Her phrasing could have been better, and nicer. But It really didnt hurt me any. Just shows she is hurt by something which means i need to reflect since im kind of dense on picking things up like this.

i just starting thinking. what does she mean exactly. And how right is she???


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bribrius said:


> This is something worth considering. During one of my vegas trips i tried to talk her into coming out with the kids. Moving them there. She was against the idea of raising the children in vegas. Then i suggested we ship the children back and forth, and i stay there for a while. But realistically, and she was right, shipping the children back and forth just wouldnt be very healthy.
> so i came back. But there is room here. She would move if push came to shove, she wouldnt like it. But she would do it. i dont want to sound like a victim here, im not a victim i do have some options. She just wont like many of them. But she deals. She doesnt like alot of things but it never stopped me from doing them. i have some pull here. Perhaps it is if it is worth it to me to upset her world more....
> She is just very happy staying in her bubble, where she is.


Would she consider it if you committed to more involvement with your family - not just being there or paying the bills, but actually being participating? I don't know what she deems important, but is that a compromise point for her?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

bribrius said:


> Thankyou. Her saying that wasn't very nice. But it didnt really bother me. she just acts like a tough cookie. In fact she acts the toughest right before she breaks down. it is a act. Ive seen it before many times. It is her "tough girl" act. I seen it once over me being gone for a while and ten minutes later she was on the floor balling her eyes out because she thought i was leaving her again.
> i was more concerned over how true the statement was, and how upset she was. Her phrasing could have been better, and nicer. But It really didnt hurt me any. Just shows she is hurt by something which means i need to reflect since im kind of dense on picking things up like this.
> 
> i just starting thinking. what does she mean exactly. And how right is she???


I think it hurt you or you wouldn't be here asking about it.

its a wake up call to be more emotional and interested in general in your family. you can either answer it or let it ring off the hook but eventually it will stop ringing and she might try a different number.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I think it's likely that your wife says you're not "nice" because she can tell you don't respect her, value her contributions, or care about her or your children in any real and committed way.
> 
> And, yes, most women can sense contempt/apathy. Both because they're intuitive and because people who feel that way don't really hide it all that well.





DawnD said:


> And about 50% of people who do cheat never saw themselves in that place. But you just honestly admitted that no one listens to her, especially you, you don't reinforce your children to have respect for their mother, you leave and move out whenever you get a hair up your arse,etc, etc. Eventually her needs will get so starved that she will find someone else or leave. And I am not talking about leaving with the kids. I am talking about you coming home to a sitter or a parent and her saying "Hey, its your turn now, have fun. Peace out, I will be back when I am back". She will feel that it is owed to her to get some free time away from you and the kids as well.


i think what seems to be not understood here, is im the one having trouble adapting. My wife is pretty happy for the most part. This is what she wanted. She has her house and picket fence and soccer mom mobile. she has someone to take the responsibility. She can be a sahm. This is exactly what she wanted. She has the life she wanted she IS family oriented and this is her american dream.
Her gripe is that im not making enough effort to "fit in" to the life she has which i basically provided her.
she isnt unhappy though. This is her life. she is where she wants to be. She has pretty much all she wanted, except me not acting or being how she wanted me to be. Or maybe it is me not being ENOUGH like she wanted me to be. She wants me there all the time, mr. family man. And she thrives on attention. Seems i give her tons of attention but for her it is never enough. The family time i spend, for her it is never enough. Nothing is ever enough for her. i told her living with her is like living in the brady bunch from hell.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Would she consider it if you committed to more involvement with your family - not just being there or paying the bills, but actually being participating? I don't know what she deems important, but is that a compromise point for her?


how? it isnt like i dont do anything. i just brought her out for breakfast this morning. It isnt like she doesnt love me. i get kisses constantly she is glued to me. yeah, i was a little distant this morning at breakfast. i didnt know what to say. It isnt like we dont spend time together though, it isnt like we arent close at all. We are close. it isnt like i dont spend any family time. i just apparently, am not involved enough even when im spending family time. im not sure exactly how to fix that unless i wanted to revamp my entire personality into some miracle attentive husband or father. She married a plant. im not sure you can make a plant anything but a plant. And im not a plant that takes much water im a pretty self sufficient plant. So i dont run to her because i dont really need a whole lot.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

bribrius said:


> i think what seems to be not understood here, is im the one having trouble adapting. My wife is pretty happy for the most part. This is what she wanted. She has her house and picket fence and soccer mom mobile. she has someone to take the responsibility. She can be a sahm. This is exactly what she wanted. She has the life she wanted she IS family oriented and this is her american dream.
> Her gripe is that im not making enough effort to "fit in" to the life she has which i basically provided her.
> she isnt unhappy though. This is her life. she is where she wants to be. She has pretty much all she wanted, except me not acting or being how she wanted me to be. Or maybe it is me not being ENOUGH like she wanted me to be. She wants me there all the time, mr. family man. And she thrives on attention. Seems i give her tons of attention but for her it is never enough. The family time i spend, for her it is never enough. Nothing is ever enough for her. i told her living with her is like living in the brady bunch from hell.


 I think most of us understand that you are the one having trouble. We are just pointing out what the consequences can be when you decide you are going to make decisions that carry emotional impact. Your wife needs attention all the time? Could it be because she never knows when you are going to up and move out again? Possible? She is really needy around you? Maybe for that exact same reason.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bribrius said:


> how? it isnt like i dont do anything. i just brought her out for breakfast this morning. It isnt like she doesnt love me. i get kisses constantly she is glued to me. yeah, i was a little distant this morning at breakfast. i didnt know what to say. It isnt like we dont spend time together though, it isnt like we arent close at all. We are close. it isnt like i dont spend any family time. i just apparently, am not involved enough even when im spending family time. im not sure exactly how to fix that unless i wanted to revamp my entire personality into some miracle attentive husband or father. She married a plant. im not sure you can make a plant anything but a plant. And im not a plant that takes much water im a pretty self sufficient plant. So i dont run to her because i dont really need a whole lot.


Perhaps by doing family time things that are not from your version of hell? You say you are there, but your wife is clearly receiving the message (one you admit is true) that you would rather be else where. Can you take your family to that else where?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I think most of us understand that you are the one having trouble. We are just pointing out what the consequences can be when you decide you are going to make decisions that carry emotional impact. Your wife needs attention all the time? Could it be because she never knows when you are going to up and move out again? Possible? She is really needy around you? Maybe for that exact same reason.


in thirteen years. i kicked her out once. like ten years ago. And i moved out a few years ago for a few months. And in both cases i still paid the bills, supported her, and still kept intimate relations with her and saw the child (child at first).
the total separation of both those periods put together was only about ten months. The other times we were separated military or me taking a vacation. 
It isnt like i move out every other year or have kicked her out every other year. That is only ten months separation of us by my choice, in thirteen years. i have blocked her out before, for a few months. Again, years ago. But we still lived together. Add that in it is still really only 14 months i had any real choice over in thirteen years. Add in military lets say three years, away. At least counting any real period of time. im at four years and two months out of thirteen years. And hey, uncle same calls. Add in vacations, maybe a few more months total of me taking breaks
?
so im at about four and a half years away, of thirteen years. It is isnt like i didnt call her in that time, talk to her, and in much of it i was local so still intimate with her and saw the children.

Edit: well i traveled on another job as well, when i was younger. so add in a couple months. But then i was still home most of the time and almost every weekend. i was just gone occasionally for a week or so.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

bribrius said:


> in thirteen years. i kicked her out once. like ten years ago. And i moved out a few years ago for a few months. And in both cases i still paid the bills, supported her, and still kept intimate relations with her and saw the child (child at first).
> the total separation of both those periods put together was only about ten months. The other times we were separated military or me taking a vacation.
> It isnt like i move out every other year or have kicked her out every other year. That is only ten months separation of us by my choice, in thirteen years. i have blocked her out before, for a few months. Again, years ago. But we still lived together. Add that in it is still really only 14 months i had any real choice over in thirteen years. Add in military lets say three years, away. At least counting any real period of time. im at four years and two months out of thirteen years. And hey, uncle same calls. Add in vacations, maybe a few more months total of me taking breaks
> ?
> ...


 my H is military as well, and you know the added stress and relationship hurdles that comes with that. The separations for work are one thing, but the two non-work related ones and your vacations left her insecure about what she is to you, and what she means to you. This is probably why she is constantly fighting for your attention and affection. Because she isn't feeling safe. You may be exhibiting certain behaviors that trigger her, she may notice a pattern, etc, etc. These things have long term effects.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

DawnD said:


> my H is military as well, and you know the added stress and relationship hurdles that comes with that. The separations for work are one thing, but the two non-work related ones and your vacations left her insecure about what she is to you, and what she means to you. This is probably why she is constantly fighting for your attention and affection. Because she isn't feeling safe. You may be exhibiting certain behaviors that trigger her, she may notice a pattern, etc, etc. These things have long term effects.


good then you can relate.
well im out now. local career. Last vacation i stayed home and twiddled my thumbs. One before that i brought the family on one. Im like MR. SOCCER DAD!! And she has her house and picket fence in suburbia.
you would think she would be thrilled. But it apparently isnt enough.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bribrius said:


> good then you can relate.
> well im out now. local career. Last vacation i stayed home and twiddled my thumbs. One before that i brought the family on one. Im like MR. SOCCER DAD!! And she has her house and picket fence in suburbia.
> you would think she would be thrilled. But it apparently isnt enough.


Your resentment comes through loud and clear in your posts, so I can only imagine how it is communicated in person. Your posts read like a teenager who grudgingly shows up at the family reunion, scowls in the corner the entire time, then wonders why he did not get any medals for having attended.

So if you hate the suburbia lifestyle, and are not engaged because of it, figure out a different lifestyle that you can incorporate with your family.

To give an example, I have a friend who hates the suburbs, while his wife would prefer it. So he and his wife live in a rowhouse in downtown DC. They travel often, even with the kids, and he continues to play hockey in a rec league. He also takes the kids to their soccer games and organizes their birthday parties in the neighboring park. It is not perfect for him, but he gets to do some of the things he wants. It is not perfect for her, but she gets him really engaged with the family and the kids. They are happy with this compromise.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

bribrius said:


> i heard this from my wife the other day. i asked her why of course. if i because i was a bad father. she said no. i was a great father. if i was a bad husband, she said no. i was a good husband.
> so why?:scratchhead:
> 
> apparently because im not "nice"
> ...


This is classic male/female conflict. Women are nice. Men aren't. Women want men to be like women. Men want women to be like men (especially in the sex dept).

Moms want to feminize their sons. Men these days seem to be unclear about whether or not we should let them do it.

My answer to the woman is "Too bad, they already are." After your kids get through the "tender years", it is your responsibility to raise them and I would hope that you raise them to be the best of yourself plus a lot of stuff you wanted to be but couldn't. Don't worry about whether women think they are "nice" enough. Raise them to be courageous. Raise them to be rightful. Raise them to be men and unfortunately, women are just never going to think men are nice unless they start acting like women and I seriously don't advise that


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bribrius said:


> She married a plant. im not sure you can make a plant anything but a plant. And im not a plant that takes much water im a pretty self sufficient plant. So i dont run to her because i dont really need a whole lot.


Well, this is what she's afraid the children will learn from you...to be plants. And yes, I'm sure this is very obvious to her and the kids otherwise she wouldn't have said it.

If you can't find a way to derive happiness from being engaged and involved with your family, then she is absolutely going to wish something better for your children.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Unless you have changed over the years she knew who she decided to marry and have be the father of her children so thats her was her decision, just as you knew she wanted a suburban life when you married her both of you chose eachother.
No point resenting personal choices.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

bribrius said:


> in thirteen years. i kicked her out once. like ten years ago. And i moved out a few years ago for a few months. And in both cases i still paid the bills, supported her, and still kept intimate relations with her and saw the child (child at first).
> the total separation of both those periods put together was only about ten months. The other times we were separated military or me taking a vacation.
> It isnt like i move out every other year or have kicked her out every other year. That is only ten months separation of us by my choice, in thirteen years. i have blocked her out before, for a few months. Again, years ago. But we still lived together. Add that in it is still really only 14 months i had any real choice over in thirteen years. Add in military lets say three years, away. At least counting any real period of time. im at four years and two months out of thirteen years. And hey, uncle same calls. Add in vacations, maybe a few more months total of me taking breaks
> ?
> ...


What a selective memory you have. You kicked her out so that you could score with other women. According to you, it wasn't cheating though when you screwed other women during the "separation" as you were only living together with a young child, yours. Paying the bills for your son while you are whoring around doesn't make you a stand up guy. You sir are not. You also wrote that you are tired of her being so needy. You literally cannot fathom why she is so clingy. Let me clue you in: You left her shortly after having YOUR baby so that you could sow your wild oats. Threw her out to do so. Fast forward many years and you left your now wife for months so that you could "find yourself" and left her in the lurch again.
Your wife is right. You are lucky and you should kiss the stars that a good woman such as her stays with you. Grow up and take your wife to the ER for signs of head trauma.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Bribrius said*: But i drive home today from work. im looking around. i have to admit i never envisioned my life would end up this way. wife, kids, house in suburbia, we have have the dog. suv is basically nothing but a station wagon. so out of work, i come in the house, sons loud, yelling, this and that, he is young. i get this. baby is crying. And she is smiling and walks up and gives me a kiss.
> And all i kept thinking, was how did this all happen?
> i was the one that i always thought would end up single and living in a condo. i had a maid when i met her. i had a sportscar. Now there is a suv in the driveway. i lived in vegas. now in in suburbia with a white picket fence.
> This was my idea of hell growing up. i envisioned hell as a house in suburbia with a picket fence and a station wagon.


This thread is another stark reminder that I married the perfect type of man for me....even if others think they are of less value.. Like the words of Costa200 .....then there is the words of Ten_Year_Hubby that think that such men are all p*ssy's... gotta love that . 

I LOVE, freaking LOVE the family man type, who wanted & planned for children, considers them blessings...who enjoys the family vacations & togetherness... the white picket fence and the SUV. 

I'd be a royal b*tch to live with-if I had a husband who felt that type of lifestyle is "hell". Too many women overlook these things in men in their younger years, who would never appreciate this role in life. A rich lifestyle is not enough to fill the love tank, a man who is so independent that he doesn't need his wife once in a while...these things do not satisfy. 

Sure, the words she spoke wasn't so pretty of you... hey, we all have bad moments, but the meaning behind them seems pretty clear to me... *You are NOT a happy man*...let's face it, our moods affect each other...if not, such people are NUMB.... who wants to live with that....you are detached emotionally, not wanting to "be there in spirit "....with the family... that HURTS a woman.....you helped create those children...

Let's get real....you are the type who likely should have remained single & went after that condo -livin' it up from one chick to the next, since you bore easily. 

I'd feel the same as your wife -givin some of the replies I've read here. And that doesn't make me "needy' either. It just means some of us women do appreciate a family man who is involved, emotionally there for the joys of family life....and love. 

A 2 month vacation away from the family.....I say WOW.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

What is so feminine about being a kind and nice person? Does a husband have to be insensitive and selfish to be a real man? I would think that a well adjusted adult male is responsible if he does not run out on his family and only think of his needs.

I think the OP is taking his wife and children for granted.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This thread is another stark reminder that I married the perfect type of man for me....even if others think they are of less value.. Like the words of Costa200 .....then there is the words of Ten_Year_Hubby that think that such men are all p*ssy's... gotta love that .
> 
> I LOVE, freaking LOVE the family man type, who wanted & planned for children, considers them blessings...who enjoys the family vacations & togetherness... the white picket fence and the SUV.
> 
> ...


Alot of people mistake kindness or 'nice' for weakness.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> What is so feminine about being a kind and nice person? Does a husband have to be insensitive and selfish to be a real man? I would think that a well adjusted adult male is responsible if he does not run out on his family and only think of his needs.
> 
> I think the OP is taking his wife and children for granted.


Stop talking logic. There are only two ways: A complete ***** or a macho knuckle dragger who lords over. I've never met a man in between.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

abitlost said:


> Alot of people mistake kindness or 'nice' for weakness.


I have never met a man who treats people with kindness, respect and dignity that would role over in a fight. They value people and themselves too much. They stand up for what they believe in and protect those who cannot express theirs. They would all go down swinging. Those who make the mistake of thinking otherwise are misguided.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> What a selective memory you have. You kicked her out so that you could score with other women. According to you, it wasn't cheating though when you screwed other women during the "separation" as you were only living together with a young child, yours. Paying the bills for your son while you are whoring around doesn't make you a stand up guy. You sir are not. You also wrote that you are tired of her being so needy. You literally cannot fathom why she is so clingy. Let me clue you in: You left her shortly after having YOUR baby so that you could sow your wild oats. Threw her out to do so. Fast forward many years and you left your now wife for months so that you could "find yourself" and left her in the lurch again.
> Your wife is right. You are lucky and you should kiss the stars that a good woman such as her stays with you. Grow up.


i think you need to come back to reality. Most people that are not with a person, dont support them at all. They may not even pay child support without a court order. People are also not required to stay with someone for the sake of a child. Nor am i required to support a woman, and the child, if the woman has a tiara on her head and i am being pushed into it.
i could have left her with nothing, and let her and her family figure it out. i didnt have to be with her at all. i did it on agreement with her family.
you seem to live in a fantasy world. Where women should be handed things for getting knocked up, even if the guy isnt with them. And the guy should be faithful to a woman he isnt even with, while he supports them. i knocked off her tiara. She had it coming. She always had the choice of, gee i dunno. getting a job and taking care of herself.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bribrius said:


> i think you need to come back to reality. Most people that are not with a person, dont support them at all. They may not even pay child support without a court order. People are also not required to stay with someone for the sake of a child. Nor am i required to support a woman, and the child, if the woman has a tiara on her head and i am being pushed into it.
> i could have left her with nothing, and let her and her family figure it out. i didnt have to be with her at all. i did it on agreement with her family.
> you seem to live in a fantasy world. Where women should be handed things for getting knocked up, even if the guy isnt with them. And the guy should be faithful to a woman he isnt even with, while he supports them. i knocked off her tiara. She had it coming. She always had the choice of, gee i dunno. getting a job and taking care of herself.


Do you want a medal for that too? Sure puts your previous *incomplete *posts in a different light, doesn't it. A woman does not get handed something just for getting knocked up. 

Of course, a real man doesn't just take a break to go screw around on his wife just because she pisses him off. You do that and then wonder why she has issues with you? With your current attitude, how could she not.

It is clear to me that you want worship for just showing up. It does not work that way. Look at yourself and figure out why you need her to genuflect at your feet for just being there. Why do you need to get that first place trophy for merely participating? Work on yourself.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

bribrius said:


> i think you need to come back to reality. Most people that are not with a person, dont support them at all. They may not even pay child support without a court order. People are also not required to stay with someone for the sake of a child. Nor am i required to support a woman, and the child, if the woman has a tiara on her head and i am being pushed into it.
> i could have left her with nothing, and let her and her family figure it out. i didnt have to be with her at all. i did it on agreement with her family.
> you seem to live in a fantasy world. Where women should be handed things for getting knocked up, even if the guy isnt with them. And the guy should be faithful to a woman he isnt even with, while he supports them. i knocked off her tiara. She had it coming. She always had the choice of, gee i dunno. getting a job and taking care of herself.


I live in a fantasy world? Oh, cupcake, may I call you that? You have no idea.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Bribus, you are an adult with responsibilities but you chose to ignore them and run off to vegas. Who is living in a fantasy world here? 

Legally, you are required to support your children and your wife if she gave up her career to raise your kids. Your wife did not get pregnant by herself and she could have just stuck the kids in daycare. Instead, she made sacrifices for her children. 

You seem to think you are doing your wife a big favor because you provide the American dream and stay married even though it is obvious that you don't care. The more I read your words, the more your immaturity and me-me-me perception shows. There are plenty of men who provide and actually treat their families with respect. Strange huh? Imagine that! 

Do your wife the ultimate favor and divorce her so that she can find someone who truly understands what marriage is about. You will unfortunately have to pay for the family you created and destroyed with your self centred attitude, but thems the breaks. It is called taking responsibility for your choices like an adult, instead of letting life happen to you and blaming others.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Do you want a medal for that too? Sure puts your previous *incomplete *posts in a different light, doesn't it. A woman does not get handed something just for getting knocked up.
> 
> Of course, a real man doesn't just take a break to go screw around on his wife just because she pisses him off. You do that and then wonder why she has issues with you? With your current attitude, how could she not.
> 
> It is clear to me that you want worship for just showing up. It does not work that way. Look at yourself and figure out why you need her to genuflect at your feet for just being there. Why do you need to get that first place trophy for merely participating? Work on yourself.


she got handed something for getting knocked up. By me. It was also YEARS ago and we werent married then. Does every xboyfriend support their x girlfriend? news to me. i think im one of the few. And you cant cheat on your spouse, if she isnt your spouse at the time, and you break up with her. 
you could say i had to support the child, but i had the child half the time as well. im a little lost at the direction this thread is going. it seems to be obligations to mothers of your children who you arent with that are you x girlfriends.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I live in a fantasy world? Oh, cupcake, may I call you that? You have no idea.
> I'm calling troll and tell your alter ego Mandy hello. Toodles you sicko.


sure. call me on it. :scratchhead:

LOL


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Troll.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Bribus, you are an adult with responsibilities but you chose to ignore them and run off to vegas. Who is living in a fantasy world here?
> 
> Legally, you are required to support your children and your wife if she gave up her career to raise your kids. Your wife did not get pregnant by herself and she could have just stuck the kids in daycare. Instead, she made sacrifices for her children.
> 
> ...


She would get at least alimony and a cashout from the prenup. Far as what the above is referrring to. she wasnt my wife then. Apparently some here cant quite figure out the difference between wife and girlfriend. And there is no common law here, not to mention we had only been together a couple years when i knocked off the tiara so it wouldnt have applied to her then anyway.
wow. women really are cake eaters. they seem to want it handed to them on silver platters. Equality the spout on one side, on the other it is nothing but "gimme gimme gimme"


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

bribrius said:


> she got handed something for getting knocked up. By me. It was also YEARS ago and we werent married then. Does every xboyfriend support their x girlfriend? news to me. i think im one of the few. And you cant cheat on your spouse, if she isnt your spouse at the time, and you break up with her.
> you could say i had to support the child, but i had the child half the time as well. im a little lost at the direction this thread is going. it seems to be obligations to mothers of your children who you arent with that are you x girlfriends.


:lol::lol::lol:

_*It doesn't matter what the relationship is with the mother!*_

Men are still legally required to support their children.

The direction this thread is taking has you lost because responsibility and loyalty are foreign to you.

So you cheated on your girlfriend and dumped her after the baby was born? 

Wow, you're sounding better and better.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bribrius said:


> she got handed something for getting knocked up. By me. It was also YEARS ago and we werent married then. Does every xboyfriend support their x girlfriend? news to me. i think im one of the few. And you cant cheat on your spouse, if she isnt your spouse at the time, and you break up with her.
> you could say i had to support the child, but i had the child half the time as well. im a little lost at the direction this thread is going. it seems to be obligations to mothers of your children who you arent with that are you x girlfriends.


Might I suggest that you give the timeline, with all of the information? Because your previous posts sure implied you were married (or at least a couple). You want real answers you need to give all the facts, not just the ones that suit you. Without that, it is not worth the bother.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Troll.


i am sorry you feel that every girl thats get pregnant deserves a free meal ticket and their sperm donors owe them their lives. Not all of us feel that way. No reason to be harsh. i did what i did out of choice. But apparently you have views outside the norm that involve women taking no responsibility for their lives and choices.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Just stop. He has a profile on ******* where he bills himself as an 18 year old girl looking for pictures from men. Funny thing about using a very distinctive login name for multiple accounts. Go away Bribrius. Your "game" is up. You were called out as a troll 6 months ago and yet you still are here. Go shovel snow. It's that time of year again.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Might I suggest that you give the timeline, with all of the information? Because your previous posts sure implied you were married (or at least a couple). You want real answers you need to give all the facts, not just the ones that suit you. Without that, it is not worth the bother.


she is talking about a couple years after i met my wife. How i kicked her out and sent her back to her parents.. She wasnt my wife then. About ten or eleven years ago.
what she doesnt know, and she is going to look like a real idiot on this one. LOL.
IS I STILL GAVE HER MONEY. And she signed over custody. so i actually had custody of our daughter. And was giving basically a girlfriend, money.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> :lol::lol::lol:
> 
> _*It doesn't matter what the relationship is with the mother!*_
> 
> ...


. Yeah, i dumped her. Knocked off the tiara. Support THE CHILDREN. Not the mother. And this thread is way off track.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Might I suggest that you give the timeline, with all of the information? Because your previous posts sure implied you were married (or at least a couple). You want real answers you need to give all the facts, not just the ones that suit you. Without that, it is not worth the bother.


Timeline, from what bribrius has posted on here:

Wife was given to him by some guy (a friend of his?) to settle a debt. Yes, he basically bought her from this guy, in exchange for forgiving a debt.

He let her move in with him. She was infatuated with him at the time. He messed with her head (he posted this himself). He sent her away, after telling her that she was bought in exchange for forgiving the debt.

She came back because she was still infatuated with him and didn't care about her own pride. At some point, she got pregnant.

He set her up in one of the apartments he was managing (or owned?). She had the baby. He was out screwing anyone he wanted to. Officially, at this point, they were not together. I will give him that one.

Somewhere down the line, he chose to marry her. And then, at some point, he took a 2 month break from his family.

He came on here, complaining that she is too clingy. He then got the "TAM diagnosis" that she is co-dependent. He makes his relationship sound picture perfect most of the time, which is why TRBE and a few others of us have a really hard time believing him.

So...what did I miss in the timeline? 
Bought her - check
Screwed with her head - check
Got her pregnant - check
Married her - check
Took a break from his marriage - check

Yes, I am aware, getting pregnant took both of you, bribrius. And, you are right, many men wouldn't take care of the kids they father. However, if taken to court for child support, they are ordered (if mom gets custody) and if they don't pay, quite often they get thrown in jail... I've seen it with many people.

So...what did I forget? :scratchhead:


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Just stop. He has a profile on ******* where he bills himself as an 18 year old girl looking for pictures from men. Funny thing about using a very distinctive login name for multiple accounts. Go away Bribrius. Your "game" is up. You were called out as a troll 6 months ago and yet you still are here. Go shovel snow. It's that time of year again.


Actually, im thinking you should leave my thread if you cant add anything of value. You are the troll here.
i copied this, it is actualy a slightly different spelling but close to one i saw online. Sounds european to me. I think the other one is a girl. but it wasnt from okay cupid. Some world events chatroom.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

bribrius said:


> Think im going to go get a stiff drink before i decide to go the the store for a gallon of milk.
> 
> i need a drink.


No, not the milk. We'll never hear from you again!









bribrius said:


> Is this how some guys, just one day go out for a gallon of milk, and are never seen again?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

bribrius said:


> She married a plant. im not sure you can make a plant anything but a plant. And im not a plant that takes much water im a pretty self sufficient plant. So i dont run to her because i dont really need a whole lot.


Usually plants grow and change and some are big sturdy tress live and thrive through all sorts of weather. 
You want to be a tiny plant that doesn't change and gets to be an impulsive selfish child. Who is so sure his wife will never leave him. Millions of men just like you thought that too, that's why they kept behaving the same way. Now they are single.

I want a dependable man, who will never leave me. If he does, leave, he's not welcome back, there is no leaving (one foot in, one out of) a marriage, it's either all in or all out.

You made your wife insecure, and you continue to belittle her and make her insecure, then you don't like the results.

You wanted a traditional wife, you got one, now you don't like having a traditional family.

You had children, but now you don't want to be a father.

You got married, but you don't want to be a good husband.

Do you have a personality disorder of some sort? 

My SO and I have a great relationship, but we have time with and without the children, we travel alone and with the children. We have a great balance so no one misses out. Never does he make me feel like being with me is a chore. If he did it would break my heart.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Timeline, from what bribrius has posted on here:
> 
> Wife was given to him by some guy (a friend of his?) to settle a debt. Yes, he basically bought her from this guy, in exchange for forgiving a debt.
> 
> ...


That is actually, a pretty close portrayal. Makes it sound a little worse than it was, but close. The other one was trying to make me sound like a dead beat dad when i supported both of them. And yes, i own rentals. i put her up in one even though we werent together. Another thing i didnt have to do. Bought her cars, paid for her clothes. i did alot of things i didnt have to do. But i agreed to do it so.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Usually plants grow and change and some are big sturdy tress live and thrive through all sorts of weather.
> You want to be a tiny plant that doesn't change and gets to be an impulsive selfish child. Who is so sure his wife will never leave him. Millions of men just like you thought that too, that's why they kept behaving the same way. Now they are single.
> 
> I want a dependable man, who will never leave me. If he does, leave, he's not welcome back, there is no leaving (one foot in, one out of) a marriage, it's either all in or all out.
> ...


im actually thinking i need to buy a condo in key largo and a nice car and maybe do a three month a year off thing. Find another job that involves traveling so im not stuck in one place. But she was pretty upset when i wanted to do the back and forth vegas thing and is really intent on me being home. she would never go for it.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> What is so feminine about being a kind and nice person? Does a husband have to be insensitive and selfish to be a real man? I would think that a well adjusted adult male is responsible if he does not run out on his family and only think of his needs.
> 
> I think the OP is taking his wife and children for granted.


Exactly.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

bribrius said:


> im actually thinking i need to buy a condo in key largo and a nice car and maybe do a three month a year off thing. Find another job that involves traveling so im not stuck in one place. But she was pretty upset when i wanted to do the back and forth vegas thing and is really intent on me being home. she would never go for it.


Umm yes, we are adults, my SO and I travel together and spend lots of time with the children together. 

I don't go travelling and leave him behind and vice versa. 

And reading previous posts, you have treated your wife like poo and a nothing your whole marriage, and yet you feel hard done by :scratchhead:. If what you have posted is true, I feel sorry for you, that you lack empathy for your wife and care nothing for the pain you have caused her throughout your marriage. You are either a 15 yr old troll or so emotionally stunted it's unbelievable.

I hope as your children grow that your wife gains some self confidence she leaves you. She deserves so much more. I actually see you as incredibly cruel and emotionally abusive.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Timeline, from what bribrius has posted on here:
> 
> Wife was given to him by some guy (a friend of his?) to settle a debt. Yes, he basically bought her from this guy, in exchange for forgiving a debt.
> 
> ...


You missed the part of how his wife was "given" to him to pay rent. $500 exactly. "She" must be ugly. We all know he fashions men though.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

The wife could also be gorgeous yet lack self esteem.

Poor poor woman.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

In his mind only.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Ladies, we need to stop feeding the troll.

When you stop feeding them with attention, they go away.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Exactly.


i know you dont get this. You are probably much like my wife. i have no idea of your husband but he sounds fine from your posts. i get the need you, anyone has for security. But i have provided that for her, even though i didnt have to whether i was right there with her or not. she has that. And if we ever split, she still walks out with a cashout, some alimony, and a sense of security plus i will probably just give her the house. She has security even if im not RIGHT there. i have bent over backwards giving her attention, and security. But there is only so much a person can change.
When you travel, and live pretty much doing what you want. And someone kind of holds it over your head, a family life and puts you in a certain place. It wont be a happy situation. It is how i am, that gave her the life she has. I never changed. you cant really change anyone. This is what i was then, i am now. Just a little older, wiser version. I think i should be fine roaming, a little freedom, and still being a good father and husband. I dont have to be shoved right up her azz to do this.. i have done it since we met. It is her outlook that seems to be changing. Well the house, the picket fence. Starts to look more like a prison than a home. And it isnt anything i ever wanted. That is her dream. Consider that.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> The wife could also be gorgeous yet lack self esteem.
> 
> Poor poor woman.


That is just straight out insulting. She is actually very happy. Probably happier than all of you. And if you actually acted like this in front of her she would probably kick the **** out of you. If you hadnt noticed in all those previous posts, she doesnt take much flak from anyone.
she doesnt have your views, really, most of your views. And would find you stupid and insulting. The way you are acting even SHE would find insulting to her. And you probably couldnt even hold a candle to her. The recent posts are pathetic. insecure school age girls.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Walking up from Mommy's basement isn't "traveling" just so you know. Also you claim to have bought your wife for $500 rent owed to you. If you view human beings as a something to be bought and sold, what the hell do you care if she likes you or not. She was a debt settled so slap her around and tell her to wash the floor.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Walking up from Mommy's basement isn't "traveling" just so you know. Also you claim to have bought your wife for $500 rent owed to you. If you view human beings as a something to be bought and sold, what the hell do you care if she likes you or not. She was a debt settled so slap her around and tell her to wash the floor.


gee umm. i dunno. because i love my wife?
why did she deal with someone who was gone for four years out of thirteen.
gee, umm because she loves her husband?
you having trouble grasping this?

Does your husband slap you around and tell you to wash the floor? is that what your issue is? Whatever your husband did to you, isnt my problem. You should take it up with him instead of trolling internet forums and hijacking threads.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You missed the part of how his wife was "given" to him to pay rent. $500 exactly. "She" must be ugly. We all know he fashions men though.


Oh, sorry... I thought that was the "debt" that was settled...you know, when he bought her?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

How happy can your wife be if she doesn't want your sons to turn out like you?

Good husbands and fathers do not walk out because they "need freedom."


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> How happy can your wife be if she doesn't want your sons to turn out like you?
> 
> Good husbands and fathers do not walk out because they "need freedom."


Agreed! From the moment my husband and I got together, officially as a couple, we vacationed together. There has never been a question about whether we would do so separately or not... Either he and I would go out, just the two of us, or it is a family thing. If he and I were to plan any time away, the kids would stay with my parents. There is no taking a couple months off from married life/parenting. You are either there or you are not. Doesn't matter if you are making sure the bills are paid or not. Unless it is work (or something on an equal level, like school) keeping you from being with your FAMILY, then you are abandoning them, period. They need YOU, not just your MONEY.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> How happy can your wife be if she doesn't want your sons to turn out like you?
> 
> Good husbands and fathers do not walk out because they "need freedom."


im guessing happier than you since you seem to be beating a dead horse here and she is sitting in the chair next to me smiling asking me why im laughing.
The son comment, well im going with previous posters and my friend i discussed it with. A ploy, emasculation. Way to try reinforce me staying put with her. Normal women reaction. who knows. i asked her about it again a few minutes back and she apologized for it. Im obviously ignoring most of the women posters that seem to have bad historys and personal insecurities influencing their posting behavior.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Bless your heart.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Bless your heart.


OMG!....:rofl:


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Im not agreeing with bribrius at all but if he's wife doesn't like the dynamics or the way she's treated in their relationship she could always leave.
When he was sleeping with other people she could have done that too if she wanted (don't know if she did or not). 
You only get treated how you allow yourself to get treated so if bribrius wife doesn't like the relationship she could change it or if it wouldn't change get out of it, she is a grown woman.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah I never wanted a family either, it just happened. No regrets though, found the joy in it. I still have difficulties from time to time getting work out of my head for the two of them, and I also have escapist vacations by myself - but it was only for a few days maximum, I can't leave them behind like that.

I think that 2-month vacation really shook her faith in your level of dedication.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

yh I didn't ever want to get married (never saw the point) and wanted to wait to have kids until I was in my 30's but I am married now and about to have a kid so I ain't gonna b*tch about the life I chose, no point looking at what I could of had, gotta concentrate on what I do have (and what I do have is pretty f*ckin sweet).
A few days escapist vacation might be something to keep in mind in the future lol.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I think that 2-month vacation really shook her faith in your level of dedication.


I think that is the root of all their problems. He is trying to find some solace in the fact that he gives her money when he is gone, but that isn't what it takes to make a solid and happy marriage. 

I stick by my original statement that she does not think your leaving for months at a time is acceptable, and it makes her needy because she doesn't know if and when it will happen again. even on this thread, you were contemplating leaving for 3 months a year without the family. That does NOT offer security in a relationship.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I think that is the root of all their problems. He is trying to find some solace in the fact that he gives her money when he is gone, but that isn't what it takes to make a solid and happy marriage.
> 
> I stick by my original statement that she does not think your leaving for months at a time is acceptable, and it makes her needy because she doesn't know if and when it will happen again. even on this thread, you were contemplating leaving for 3 months a year without the family. That does NOT offer security in a relationship.


i must be dense. okay. lets see if someone can explain it to me i think i need crayon.
a. we have been in this type of relationship for YEARS. i have never been around ALL the time. By i have always been there.
b. at some point, people do adapt to situations dont they? I think they call that conditioning.
c. There are planes, cars, phones, u.s. mail, internet. it isnt like we wont see eachother or talk. we have been through this numerous times.
d. she isn't pregnant, no baby coming. There isnt any life events going on that would be detrimental.
e. even gone, i have usually seen the kids. she has been great about making arrangements for this because she believe the children should see their father. we have both worked on this in the past with me going after or her bringing them to.

What security? what do you mean "security?" 
i bought her tazers, personal defense. i have a stash of guns and ammo and various weapons in this place. If anyone ever breaks in she would no doubt kill them. I actually bought her a sig .40 just for her. We have a German shepherd rottweiler that would no doubt take a chunk out of anyone it didnt know that came in the house. She has friends and family around. vehicles to drive. she isnt trapped or anything. She has a account money goes into automatically, and a debit card. she has a credit line check book if she ever really needed to she could forge my name for cash.

what security? im not sure what you mean by security. i dont understand. How is this such a big deal? I have been gone much longer than anything i might do now before. And she survived that. Spouses are apart all the time. what security is she missing?
how did we even get on this topic. i just said i cant stand the suburbia house and picket fence. suddenly im under the gun for taking breaks. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
it isnt like she is stuck. there isnt any work she would miss. if the kids had some time off from school she could just hop a plane or jump on the train or something. im not saying im leaving the country again. 
i seriously, must just be dense. This entire thing seems like a COMPROMISE to me. Not a bad thing.

And realistically, i couldnt take her with me any long period anyway. i need her here to run things here. I need to be able to call her and have her take care of things for me here and keep everything going here.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Emotional security. Has nothing to do with money, guns or sex.

And emotionally, you are a plant.

Hence, the problem.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

norajane said:


> Emotional security. Has nothing to do with money, guns or sex.
> 
> And emotionally, you are a plant.
> 
> Hence, the problem.


well i dont really think of THAT type of security. I figure if she isnt yelling, crying, and looks happy she must be happy. im not a mind reader. She used to kind of mope around from lack of or do something wrong to get attention. i just finally got her in the last few years to just come to me and say she needs attention. straight out. She just never approached me and was hesitant. Like earlier she just took the laptop and made me give her some before she went to bed. Before she would have just went upstairs mad she didnt get attention she wanted. It is a learning process. i dont really think like that and i dont read minds.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Bri norajane hit it right on the head. You have not given your wife emotional security. You have not bent over backwards for her like you think you have. Kicking her out, buying her, walking out on her because you need space is nothing but selfish and irresponsible behavior. Your wife may like being submissive but imo you need to stop and think about what she is dealing with that she doesn't have to either. 

She could easily have walked out on you, dumped the kids on you, and cheated on you. She has given you her trust, put up with your lack of empathy and interest in her needs and even put up with your mind games because she loves you. Your marriage has nothing to do with your finances. What you and so many others fail to realize is... even if you had nothing to your name... you two would still be married. 


Now I have no idea what your alter ego is on other sites but you are indeed taking your wofe for granted when you run off because you feel you need space. She is not telling you things to emasculate you. She is trying to communicate her needs to you. Perhaps you should stop assuming everything women do is some sort of ploy to emasculate their man because that is hardly ever the case. You both have given up a lot for one another and she acknowledges that obviously but it seems like you don't quite realize what she has given up for you. 


It still baffles me though on how you were able to... "buy" her. Is she one of those mail order brides?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She is telling you that she hates the life she ended up with, and she blames you for having sex with her and getting her saddled with kids so she can't leave it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bribrius said:


> i must be dense.
> What security? what do you mean "security?"
> i bought her tazers, personal defense. i have a stash of guns and ammo and various weapons in this place. If anyone ever breaks in she would no doubt kill them. I actually bought her a sig .40 just for her. We have a German shepherd rottweiler that would no doubt take a chunk out of anyone it didnt know that came in the house.


Are you really that dense?

Security for a woman is emotional security. Financial security. Marriage security. Seeing you care more about HER than YOURSELF.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bribrius said:


> well i dont really think of THAT type of security. I figure if she isnt yelling, crying, and looks happy she must be happy. im not a mind reader. She used to kind of mope around from lack of or do something wrong to get attention. i just finally got her in the last few years to just come to me and say she needs attention. straight out. She just never approached me and was hesitant. Like earlier she just took the laptop and made me give her some before she went to bed. Before she would have just went upstairs mad she didnt get attention she wanted. It is a learning process. i dont really think like that and i dont read minds.


What you need is to see a therapist and learn how to be a complete man. Not just a man's man. You're tearing her apart inside but you can't see it cos you're too busy just being a man's man.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Bri norajane hit it right on the head. You have not given your wife emotional security. You have not bent over backwards for her like you think you have. Kicking her out, buying her, walking out on her because you need space is nothing but selfish and irresponsible behavior. Your wife may like being submissive but imo you need to stop and think about what she is dealing with that she doesn't have to either.
> 
> She could easily have walked out on you, dumped the kids on you, and cheated on you. She has given you her trust, put up with your lack of empathy and interest in her needs and even put up with your mind games because she loves you. Your marriage has nothing to do with your finances. What you and so many others fail to realize is... even if you had nothing to your name... you two would still be married.
> 
> ...


why do people have to bring up things from over a decade ago? 
someone owed me money, brought her over for the debt. i let them out of the debt and told her to go home. She came back again. i guess she liked me. Dated her, finally explained to her why and the pretense we met under. She left again. And for some reason she came back again. so i guess she really liked me. i dont know why. im not a mind reader. That was YEARS ago. Nothing like dredging up the past over and over.
i actually know some people with mail order brides. Four. Out of the four two ended up in complete failures. One is so, so. The last is doing well. But that is a one in four chance from what i have seen. I think the one that is doing well is with some sort of asian. And he bought her young so who knows. i think she was barely twenty. Russian one was a complete flop. Didnt end well. Think he paid about twenty grand to get her here before it was done. Probably even more i dont remember.. i know a few guys that have mail order brides, anyway. But no. Not mine. They do seem to inflate the prices though. im guessing the asian was probably about fifteen k, but by the time they nail you with everything else he was probably over fourty. he had to fly over there like three times too. seems to be a lot of hidden costs they get you with from talking to the ones i know that have mail order brides. never tried it. dont know.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol sorry bri not trying to drudge up things but you of all people should know that quite a few would consider that morally wrong. That's the issue a lot of people have with it.. the treating her like an item thing. You and her have settled that though I'm sure?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Lol sorry bri not trying to drudge up things but you of all people should know that quite a few would consider that morally wrong. That's the issue a lot of people have with it.. the treating her like an item thing. You and her have settled that though I'm sure?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


long done and settled.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> What you need is to see a therapist and learn how to be a complete man. Not just a man's man. You're tearing her apart inside but you can't see it cos you're too busy just being a man's man.


Totally agree with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Totally agree with this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hey now. everyone is different. Remember?
im not even sure what the hell i would say to a therapist. works done. Thanks for the insight.
Got to go. i have four and a half hours to sleep before my day starts over.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yes I know bri, everyone is different indeed. Sleep well and who knows... perhaps a therapist can help you be a bit more empathetic to your wife and help your wife see you as less... "mean".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

What part of Maine allows you to settle debts with women?


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Got a chuckle out of me.

Bloom wherever God plants you.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

bribrius said:


> why do people have to bring up things from over a decade ago?
> someone owed me money, brought her over for the debt. i let them out of the debt and told her to go home. She came back again. i guess she liked me. Dated her, finally explained to her why and the pretense we met under. She left again. And for some reason she came back again. so i guess she really liked me. i dont know why. im not a mind reader. That was YEARS ago. Nothing like dredging up the past over and over.
> i actually know some people with mail order brides. Four. Out of the four two ended up in complete failures. One is so, so. The last is doing well. But that is a one in four chance from what i have seen. I think the one that is doing well is with some sort of asian. And he bought her young so who knows. i think she was barely twenty. Russian one was a complete flop. Didnt end well. Think he paid about twenty grand to get her here before it was done. Probably even more i dont remember.. i know a few guys that have mail order brides, anyway. But no. Not mine. They do seem to inflate the prices though. im guessing the asian was probably about fifteen k, but by the time they nail you with everything else he was probably over fourty. he had to fly over there like three times too. seems to be a lot of hidden costs they get you with from talking to the ones i know that have mail order brides. never tried it. dont know.


This is interesting.

Again, more trolling or else a man with the same amount of empathy and emotion and understanding of the human condition as a peice of dried up dog doo doo.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

From a different thread:



bribrius said:


> *Personally, everything i put on the web i mix with b.s.
> i never put my entire real info on anything on the web. *
> so i probably wouldnt have shared that if it was all straight, or what your husband shared. i would at least mix it with plenty of b.s. or plot it out differently like a movie.


And this is why people have a tough time buying what you are trying to sell.

Oh, well, back to ignore again.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)




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