# Nature or Nurture?



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Ok, 

I know I am going to take a shellacking for posing this question, but where does one go wrong and become the Other Man/Woman?

I can with absolute certainty know that I would never date a married woman because of my upbringing, however if another man was raised the way I was, would they be capable of having an affair with a married spouse? The reason I ask this is that during the course of my discovery of my STBXW's affair I emailed the OM and let him know politely that he needed to back off, and he was the reason for our potential divorce. He listened for awhile and then went right back after my STBXWW coaxed him back. I know my STBXWW was the aggressor the second time, but where in the breakdown of personal morals or thought does one justify sleeping with another persons spouse?

I know in certain species of primate and other animals there is a subset of males who deliberately lurk in the background and steal a chance for copulation with the female to pass on their genes. In some species the subset of male deliberately becomes feminized or looks less aggressive to blend in with the females to ensure that they don't arouse suspicion in the alpha males. Do you think there is a group of males out there that are born knowing they can't compete with the Alpha's so they blend into the scenery and take a lay where they can get it?

I know I am trying to understand the abhorrent behavior in cheaters through ethology and sociology, but where do things go wrong that you allow yourself to do this? Especially if the OP is already in a relationship or marriage. I know I will never get an answer to this question, but what are some of your thoughts out there? Why would anyone put themselves out there to be the OP? Especially since we all know that a majority of these relationships are doomed to failure in a short time. Is this a throwback to our evolutionary history, or is it a dissolution of morals on the home front? Nature/Nurture?????????


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'll just speak from a man's point of view. I have had some male friends and acquaintances over the years, who are married, and think nothing of their extra-marital trysts. It's just a sexual game to them. What their wife doesn't know, won't hurt them. 

Just about all of them that do this, would prefer to tap another married woman, because it reduces the threat of them becoming a "bunny boiler" and exposing to their wives. Fewer strings attached; sex only. 

I don't hang out with people like that now. I used to figure it was just boys being boys. I don't think like that anymore.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I'll just speak from a man's point of view. I have had some male friends and acquaintances over the years, who are married, and think nothing of their extra-marital trysts. It's just a sexual game to them. What their wife doesn't know, won't hurt them.
> 
> Just about all of them that do this, would prefer to tap another married woman, because it reduces the threat of them becoming a "bunny boiler" and exposing to their wives. Fewer strings attached; sex only.
> 
> I don't hang out with people like that now. I used to figure it was just boys being boys. I don't think like that anymore.


Yeah, I figured for most married guys cheating it was a thrill of the hunt thing. Adrenaline + Sex = Great Time. However for the single guys out there. Is this the reason why they do it, or is it something more deep seeded? Also, does anyone care anymore out there about not screwing someone else's spouse?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

If a single guy is schtupping a married woman it is because he can.

Plain and simple. No deep thought required.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Um...exactly how do you seperate the two?

If Dad has these so called 'cheater genes', he is usually also the guy RAISING the kid...so it's inseperable.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Great question, Raisedgarden.

I think the married (and wayward) person contributes a lot to the affair partner's behavior. For example, a wayward spouse may make their own spouse out to be a horrible person or their marriage a lost cause. The affair partner may more easily rationalize their own behavior if they hear repeatedly about how badly this seemingly great person is being treated by another or that they were already separated/sleeping in different bedrooms/planning to divorce. Remember what the affair partner is told is filtered through someone who chooses to break their vows and lie repeatedly.

Personally, I don't think the AP matters much. Another person at the right time, right place. It's the cheater, the one who broke their vows, who chooses to demolish their marriage and abuse the ones for whom they once professed love. 

Cheaters: Truth is filtered. Stories stretches. Lies. Rationalization. It all becomes so far from the truth and integrity.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Walls and windows.

Everyone is in control of their own.


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## GoodForNothing (Feb 25, 2013)

I had a college roommate who operated along these lines, sleeping around quite a bit but really preferring married or attached women because, for one he was supposedly safer going without protection with them, and two he liked the idea that he was "driving another man's car" as he put it. He could do a lot more and they were willing he said. So that seemed to be in his nature, because he was a guy who at 18 could get any woman he wanted supposedly and usually he was right, but he seemed to prefer married women. 

But at the same time, the first time I went to his family home it was very traditional and they were nice people, upper middle class parents who were professionals and all that. The thing is, he slept with his teachers in high school, and his parents allowed this to the extent of letting them sleep over (their words). This was fine with them as long as it was appropriate they said, meaning as long as the teacher was fairly young. So he slept with married h.s. teachers in their 20s or early 30s, because this was appropriate. This makes me think that the situation was also partly nurture, given that he was from a batsh** insane family.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

A super inflated ego...


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