# Competition



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Current date is surrounded by heavy competition. Normally this doesn't bother me as I go in confident that what I have is better than the rest. This is not the case now...

I'm divorced, nearing 30, with a daughter. I'm competing for a younger woman with younger men unmarried and no kids. So far I've given it my best shot but my confidence is wavering with what I'm up against. How do you guys deal with it?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Win some, lose some - that's life. There'll be another prospect along soon.

You can't be the best match for everyone, you only need to be the best match for someone who thinks you are, and they need to be a great match for you as well. Few people actually meet that standard - but when it happens, no-one else is even in the competition.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That was the case with ex-wife... =/

*sigh*


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your ex was (apparently) one of many great matches for you, who are a small subset of multitudes who are not.

Think quality, not quantity.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Many? Wouldn't say that =/

So... give up on this one? *sigh*

Damn, I hate fails


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Just remember there are statistically more women then men, so the odds are always in your favor


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's just not everyday I find a woman actually worth my time, she is abit racist anyway though... so meh, guess it's time to move on. I'll call her and end things tomorrow.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

As the infamous Machiavelli (now perma-banned from TAM) once posted...



> Women are like buses. Another one will be along in 5 minutes.


:lol:

(Ok, ok... I will likely be clobbered from some of my TAM sisters, but I've been waiting forever to re-post that line! )


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

So....why exactly do you have to 'end things' with her? 

And why are you so focused on the 'end game' now? If you just be yourself, with confidence and not neediness, the other guys will weed themselves out. Hang out with her and have fun. She will associate having no pressure fun to you and if you do not talk too much, eventually SHE will be asking you to be exclusive. 

Have you read Mark Manson or watched Corey Wayne's videos?


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

A bit racist doesn't seem cool, FYI. Not sure that is worth anyone's time, but if she, or whoever else is, I suggest doing some research re creating attraction and what causes women to get bored and move on, regardless of 'what you have to offer'. I think Mark Manson and Corey Wayne have the best advice out there.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> As the infamous Machiavelli (now perma-banned from TAM) once posted...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah I know, I'll head out next week and find another one easy, but the next one will probably just be FB or FWB material, rather than GF material, as they normally are.



Morcoll said:


> So....why exactly do you have to 'end things' with her?
> 
> And why are you so focused on the 'end game' now? If you just be yourself, with confidence and not neediness, the other guys will weed themselves out. Hang out with her and have fun. She will associate having no pressure fun to you and if you do not talk too much, eventually SHE will be asking you to be exclusive.
> 
> Have you read Mark Manson or watched Corey Wayne's videos?


I don't think the guys will weed themselves out, from sounds of things they've been persistent. Her ex in particular, and she also seems to have some orbiters turned dates. All these men are younger than me and successful in their own right + unmarried and no kids so no baggage.

Dragging it out has a low chance of success, so I'm ending things so I can cut the strings and move my focus on other prospects where the odds are more in my favor. Besides I haven't been laid for a few weeks since dumping my last fkbuddy when she got clingy, and despite putting the moves on current date she's not taking the bait to spread.

Anyways who's Mark Manson and what?


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

This makes no sense. You can move on without ending things, and in fact she will be MORE attracted if she realizes you are not solely focused on her. You are not dragging anything out by not 'ending things'. Just don't contact her, when she does she is wondering where you went. That CREATES attraction. The other 'orbiters' contacting her all the time WILL wee themselves out. If she has a deal with the ex, than quit pursuing. When she contacts you, assume she wants to see you. Don't chit chat, just, hey it's great to hear from you, when can we get together. Set a date. If she wont commit to one, hey, why don't you get back to me when your schedule clears up. 

Google Corey Wayne and start watching his videos. You can focus on other things. The need to clarify your relationship status and 'end things' is woman talk and shows weakness to her. Let her bring it up if it needs to be discussed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

happy as a clam said:


> As the infamous Machiavelli (now perma-banned from TAM) once posted...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I won't clobber you..I think it's pretty funny and well.. true.. I think more women want a serious relationship over men.. though many won't agree me on that either. 

I think it's "about time" that Random Dude finds himself in this position.. so now he gets a taste of how lots of other men feel...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have experience and skills those kids don't have. You are used to dealing with stress. You are used to juggling several tasks at the same time, meeting deadlines, dealing with organized chaos. You are probably better at avoiding or fixing relationship conflicts. You also have more motivation to keep your job. You are probably stiffer competition than you realize.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah well, about time I met a match when it comes to the game... been steamrolling for years to the point my head was about to explode with overconfidence. Now I reach a red light with a speed cam...

As for ending things, meh, if I drag it out and have her at the back of my mind, thoughts of her will drown any thoughts of other women. I'm human. As for her racism, I'm a little more forgiving on this as it's mostly ignorance and ignorance shared by around 75% of women of her background so...

As for experience/skills, the competition are successful men as well, ex is a VP, others are very well established professionals. I'm an owner and MD sure, and being a divorcee/father may grant me more experience but also grants me more baggage that younger women may not be able to accept when there are unmarried/childless prospects available. I can dance + I have a boat, and that's about as much as I've impressed her so far.

Anyway, full story here:



RandomDude said:


> Well guys... date was... fun I guess. Turns out I have very, very heavy competition with her, her ex boyfriend and a few other dates. She is also outright comparing me to them. Flattering so far, but she's also potentially badmouthing me too. Normally I enjoy the challenge, but this time... I may be biting off more than I can chew - in other words I'm at a serious disadvantage. I'm used to having my advantage for last few years. I think I've been having it easy with the ladies for some time.
> 
> Not now... as these guys I'm competing with are very successful men; successful professionals and young entrepreneurs but even younger than me + never married and no kids... and also from sounds of things, they are also quite confident and attractive. I'm also the first interracial date she's been with, which doesn't make things easier. In fact, she made several rather ignorant/racist but flattering comments. Not so sure if I can forgive that... I admit I'm abit disappointed as honestly didn't expect it from her due to her supposed intelligence on previous occasions. Other women who make such comments I leave as friends or FBs/FWBs as I found their lack of common sense/level of intelligence incompatible.
> 
> ...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So... my mate (who set up the meetup where I met current date), is laughing his ass off, telling me "I told you she's taken! Don't bother!"

Meh, anyway I have four days with my daughter, will hopefully make me feel better about this fail.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

You are WAY focused on the 'competition'. That is flat out insecurity. She should be qualifying herself to you, not you to her. You are saying that the only way YOU have impressed her is with a boat (weak by the way) and that you can dance. How has she impressed you? Sounds like, frankly, not that much. 

You are going to sound weak if you actually call her and 'end things'. 

Don't worry about her dates and your so called 'competition', worry about having FUN when you are with her, and in the mean time work on other things and don't contact her. Better course of action than having a worthless conversation. 

She does not need to know all your insecurities about her other men. You also do not need to be upset about her having other men, though frankly it sounds like if she were focused only on you, you would not like her anyway. You haven't had anything very positive to say about her other than she has a lot of attention from other men.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> I'll call her and end things tomorrow.


What's there to end? This woman is dating other men, at least, that's my interpretation from your post.

There's nothing for you to "end". Seems to me you've constructed more of this "relationship" in your head than actually exists.

Just ice her out, move on and NEXT!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

On a positive side, the reason I approached as a potential lover/GF rather than just a friend, fkbuddy or friend with benefits... is because on our first and second nights (meeting and first date), the intellectual chemistry was strong. A similar thing happened many years ago when I met my ex-wife. Also why I'm very surprised by her racial comments tonight, and put off. She has crossed her own boxes too, it's not like she's the girl of my dreams and I'm backing away.

As for weakness I frankly don't give a sh-t if she thinks I'm weak for ending things, the reason I'd rather call then just go cold is that I prefer to be upfront. Same goes with my FWBs, warn them that I want sex and nothing else. *We've already made plans for next week and I have no interest in them when I can ram someone else easier instead and less hassle*. In the end I'm happy with just my usual daily routine of working, ramming and sleeping. I'm getting too old for the game.

As for competition, I'm not normally one to be worried about it as I mentioned on my first post, but I acknowledge what I don't have and make sure my backbone is made up of my strengths and not faked confidence.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

This sort of happened to me a few years ago.

I had met a woman as sort of a meeting date for coffee.
Things I thought went real well, we talked for about 3 hours and seemed to have a lot in common.
She was a bit on the heavy side, but not bad and really cute and good body.
She didn't really come on strong to me, but I thought "well, maybe".

So a few days later she invited me to meet her at a club. I thought "well, cool!" A bit nervous.
Lo and behold, when I got there, there were like two other dudes WTF???
Is this some kind of competition? Well, Fook that! I tried to enjoy myself, but I'm not into the
'bachelorette' thing. I do much better one on one.

Like the others said and it says it all: 'you win some, lose some'.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> On a positive side, the reason I approached as a potential lover/GF rather than just a friend, fkbuddy or friend with benefits... is because on our first and second nights (meeting and first date), the intellectual chemistry was strong. A similar thing happened many years ago when I met my ex-wife. Also why I'm very surprised by her racial comments tonight, and put off. She has crossed her own boxes too, it's not like she's the girl of my dreams and I'm backing away.
> 
> As for weakness I frankly don't give a sh-t if she thinks I'm weak for ending things, the reason I'd rather call then just go cold is that I prefer to be upfront. Same goes with my FWBs, warn them that I want sex and nothing else. *We've already made plans for next week and I have no interest in them when I can ram someone else easier instead and less hassle*. In the end I'm happy with just my usual daily routine of working, ramming and sleeping. I'm getting too old for the game.
> 
> As for competition, I'm not normally one to be worried about it as I mentioned on my first post, but I acknowledge what I don't have and make sure my backbone is made up of my strengths and not faked confidence.



Ok so in your original post, you expressed anxiety and asked how to deal with this, but at this point it sounds like you do not even actually like this girl. If she is not worth the time/effort than what are you worried about? Do what you want. It is not just about HER seeing you as weak though, it is about being weak. If it would be faked-confidence to move on and not care about her other potential boyfriends, why is that? Either you care or you don't. 

In any case, another post points out, you got way ahead of yourself in your own head. Just go with the flow whether you see her or whoever. That really is not a GAME. A game is when you try to hard instead of doing what is important to you, making dates and having fun. There are always moments of insecurity, anxiety, but these should be the step back moments-- get perspective. You will be fine with or without her so just enjoy the time you spend together and everything else will fall in place. Don't be needy and insecure, she should be bending over backward to show you how great she is. 

And frankly, though you sort of dismiss this, the racist bit is a huge put off for me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If a woman is a good match for you, then why worry? If she isn't, then why bother?

I agree with others, racist is a big problem.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Problem for me is that there's not many women of a similar wavelength when conversing, hence when the rarity arrives, such as was the case here, I start emotionally investing, and prematurely it seems. In this, it weakens my interest in other women. That's how it is for me. By ending things, cancelling our plans, I can focus entirely on new prospects and leave this one behind me. Weak? Meh like I give a sh-t about proving anything!

As for the racism, if it puts me off then I'll never be in interracial mingling lol - I'm used to it. I'm more disappointed she has such ignorant views however.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> *If a woman is a good match for you, then why worry? If she isn't, then why bother?*
> 
> I agree with others, racist is a big problem.


true words, but sometimes hard to accept.
hence, our anxieties and insecurities.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok... I'll hold off from cancelling for now at least. Still undecided...

Not used to a challenge anymore, been steamrolls for years...


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> On a positive side, the reason I approached as a potential lover/GF rather than just a friend, fkbuddy or friend with benefits... is because on our first and second nights (meeting and first date), the intellectual chemistry was strong. A similar thing happened many years ago when I met my ex-wife. Also why I'm very surprised by her racial comments tonight, and put off. She has crossed her own boxes too, it's not like she's the girl of my dreams and I'm backing away.
> 
> As for weakness I frankly don't give a sh-t if she thinks I'm weak for ending things, the reason I'd rather call then just go cold is that I prefer to be upfront. Same goes with my FWBs, warn them that I want sex and nothing else. *We've already made plans for next week and I have no interest in them when I can ram someone else easier instead and less hassle*. In the end I'm happy with just my usual daily routine of working, ramming and sleeping. I'm getting too old for the game.
> 
> As for competition, I'm not normally one to be worried about it as I mentioned on my first post, but I acknowledge what I don't have and make sure my backbone is made up of my strengths and not faked confidence.





RandomDude said:


> Problem for me is that there's not many women of a similar wavelength when conversing, hence when the rarity arrives, such as was the case here, I start emotionally investing, and prematurely it seems. In this, it weakens my interest in other women. That's how it is for me. By ending things, cancelling our plans, I can focus entirely on new prospects and leave this one behind me. Weak? Meh like I give a sh-t about proving anything!
> 
> As for the racism, if it puts me off then I'll never be in interracial mingling lol - I'm used to it. I'm more disappointed she has such ignorant views however.


if you didn't care about proving anything, why do you care to notice what about you -- a boat and ability to dance-- impresses her?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I mentioned my boat and dancing ability as the only possible advantages I have over the competition as an older, and divorced father. Competition it seems is not the average male, which limits my advantage, and when they are never married/no kids, I look at the odds, not in my favor. Is she worth the effort? Right now I'm evaluating... but I should sleep...


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

But you aren't trying to prove anything, you said in your previous post. 

Sounds like you are. But you say you aren't. You care way too much about what this broad thinks about you, frankly.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I did


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> This sort of happened to me a few years ago.
> 
> I had met a woman as sort of a meeting date for coffee.
> Things I thought went real well, we talked for about 3 hours and seemed to have a lot in common.
> ...


LOL, same here.

She was an amazing photographer, very artsy, very hot. We clicked.

She invited me out to a club... and 2 other guys, apparently!

I got tired of the game in about 30 minutes, called some buddies, and headed out to another place.

She called me about an hour later asking where I was. I said, you seem to have lots of company to keep you occupied. I went and found some of my own.

She chased me for a couple weeks after that, but I didn't return another call. 

But damn, I wanted that one.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

marduk said:


> LOL, same here.
> 
> She was an amazing photographer, very artsy, very hot. We clicked.
> 
> ...


good for you!


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## Julius Beastcavern (May 11, 2015)

You're awesome, you have nothing to fear


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> Lo and behold, when I got there, there were like two other dudes WTF???


I've known (younger) women to go out with a gay male friend/couple. That way, if the woman is hit on by a guy she doesn't like, she can use her gay friend as a proxy to get rid of the schmuck. If its someone she likes, she just explains "this is my gay friend blah." I guess it works, for women who are incapable of just telling a man what she really thinks/wants.




RandomDude said:


> As for weakness I frankly don't give a sh-t if she thinks I'm weak for ending things, the reason I'd rather call then just go cold is that I prefer to be upfront.


I still don't understand why you think, in your head, that you are "ending" something that doesn't exist in the first place. 

Its your choice of words here, more than anything else, which I find odd. 

If you simply said "I'm going to call her and cancel our date and tell her I'm not interested", I could understand.

"ending" things?

You make it sound like you've been in a 10 year monogamous relationship with this woman.


If a woman called me and told me she was "ending things" after one non-committal date, I'd think she was a whack-job and give thanks to the almighty for helping me dodge another bullet.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ah hell don't take my choice of words on this forum so literally, of course I'll word it better in person.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Current date is surrounded by heavy competition. Normally this doesn't bother me as I go in confident that what I have is better than the rest. This is not the case now...
> 
> I'm divorced, nearing 30, with a daughter. I'm competing for a younger woman with younger men unmarried and no kids. So far I've given it my best shot but my confidence is wavering with what I'm up against. How do you guys deal with it?


well you are a father, and have been married. so you already know a hell of a lot more about life than the younger single guys you allude to. if wisdom is attractive then you'll have that leg up big time.
BTW if you are only "nearing" 30 and you are talking about guys younger than that - well, a lot of guys in their early - mid 20s only qualify as "adults" in the eyes of the law. i.e. not in any other way such as maturity, self-control, character. of course you also might find that the best quality female partner is also not the youngest along the spectrum....


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

nuclearnightmare said:


> well you are a father, and have been married. so you already know a hell of a lot more about life than the younger single guys you allude to. if wisdom is attractive then you'll have that leg up big time.
> BTW if you are only "nearing" 30 and you are talking about guys younger than that - well, a lot of guys in their early - mid 20s only qualify as "adults" in the eyes of the law. i.e. not in any other way such as maturity, self-control, character. of course you also might find that the best quality female partner is also not the youngest along the spectrum....


Very true.

Women in their younger 20's are very immature (want to party a lot, etc.)

Women usually start getting "marriage minded" and "family-minded" usually in their mid to late 20's (though baby-fever can technically kick in any time.)

If I were "almost 30" and looking to date again, while early 20 women may be "fun", I would probably tend to look for someone closer to my own age (esp. if I had a child).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, most around my age are taken or with child. Personally I hate kids except for my own, so I can't accept someone else's kid. Hypocritical of me I guess, but just how it is. I dated this one for the initial spark, but the spark is waning now I realised she's actually quite stupid in several ways. So I'll let her go. Next week I'll just go collect new numbers and probably go back to FWBs.


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