# Want to see if anyone has any advice for me.



## ReallyNeedHelp (Jun 9, 2013)

I want to provide proper context so warning this may get a long...

Wife and I have been married almost 20 years. We were together for 1 year prior to marriage. We are both professionals and are stable in our careers. 3 children: 17, 16, 10.

First child 2 1/2 years into marriage. Number 2 followed 17 months later. Around that time she found online chat rooms and started obsessing with being online. Met someone and started getting very friendly. I found out about it and when they made plans to meet in person, I confronted her about this. She didn't deny it, apologized, etc. We refocused on our marriage and she quit the online stuff. We did some marriage counseling, but frankly I walked out of there feeling like everything was my fault...that she and the counselor had united and were on an all-out attack on me. 

Through the course of the next several years, she travelled a lot for work, leaving me home to handle the kids and my career. I also had several business trips. It was chaotic, but we were managing make sure one of us was always at home to care for the kids and we managed to find time together through this. Child number 3 came along and we both decided this traveling wasn't going to work, so we both focused on being home.

Sex life was OK, not great...but OK and what I would consider average. Obviously with hectic schedules time for that was difficult to find.

I have always been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. She wanted a Master degree, so I was supportive and picked up the slack to allow her to do this. Later she wanted a Doctorate, so I was supportive and again picked up the slack to allow her to do this. When she finished her classroom work, she just stopped...never bothered doing to final piece for the Doctorate. 

Anyhow, about 3 1/2 years ago, she decided she wanted to lose some weight. She dieted and really did well and lost nearly 100 pounds. Her sex drive increased and our sex life was at an all time high. She also began reading romance type books and was obsessing about them as well. When I asked why she always disappeared to our room to read, she said it was her way of resisting the urge to eat. The reading was non-stop. Even when she was in the room with the kids and I, she often wouldn't even hear someone talking to her. She stopped doing anything around the house. When she gets home from work, it is straight to the chair to start reading. She makes the kids wait on her and do things around the house (I think having the kids help around the house is perfectly acceptable, but not when she didn't do anything).

Please understand, I don't care if she reads or has hobbies. I have several hobbies of my own and I think "alone" time for each of us is important.

She eventually got a kindle and the reading escalated. The reading and ignoring the kids and I got worse and worse. We would go to dinner and she would sit at the table and read while the kids and I talked. When I ask her to put the kindle away, she would get upset, put it away, but pull it back out later.

My requests for her to put away the books and spend time with the family eventually became a joke to her. "I don't want electronics at the dinner table". "I don't want her to read." But she never stopped, just criticized me for even asking.

Meanwhile she has gained all the weight she lost back, plus some. Our sex life has become non-existent...1 maybe 2 times a year. She teases and taunts me making suggestive remarks but when I approach sex either at the time or later, cold shoulder. Which is amazing to me since she is constantly reading erotic novels and romance books...

So for the past 3 1/2 years things have been spiraling out of control ... in a downward spiral. I guess I have probably contributed to things. Since she wasn't doing anything around the house. I stopped picking up the slack...started letting some of the normal things go (I know passive-aggressive) to see if she would snap out this...nothing other than the kids being told to do "this", do "that".

I try to find things that would be fun for the family, but she wont participate. 

So I have had it. Every time I try to talk to her about this, I get nowhere. Every time I try to initiate sex, I get nowhere. I don't think we have held hands in 2 years. It is cliché, but we have grown apart over the last 3 1/2 years. I am not happy with where we are, but cannot seem to change it. I see us at a point in our lives that we should start enjoying some of what we have worked hard for, but she wont get off her tail. It is like she has given up on life. Several times over the past couple of years, I have given some thought to divorce. I have done some soul searching to try to figure out what happy is...

So I finally muster the testicular fortitude to say the word divorce to her..to take that step. I share with her some of the main reasons (not all of them). She obviously is shocked. Doesn't know what to say. Says we should try to stay together "for the kids". We should try to make this work. She tells me that a lot of the things I have provided as reasons are not my fault and that they are "her". She asks if we can do marriage counseling. I told her no and explain to her that after the last rounds of marriage counseling, I had no intention of letting myself get attacked. She said perhaps "she" needed to get some counseling. I am done ! Well, at least I though I was...but I ended up agreeing to try once more. 

That was 7 weeks ago. Since that time, she hasn't once asked me about my other concerns. In fact she hasn't even brought up the conversation again. But I have noticed her doing things a little different: reading about half as much, actually having conversations with our kids instead of yelling at them, etc. At the very least she has started engaging the kids again. She has NOT gone to individual counseling, but I have a couple of times.

Here is the trouble ... For 3 1/2 years she has ignored me...I have decided I don't want this and I mentally think I have moved on. I keep thinking ... Is she doing this because of the D word? Is she doing this because she is afraid of being alone? Am I being selfish for wanting to be happy? 

I don't feel like I am trying and I don't think it is fair to her if I am not really going to try.

Any thoughts or suggestions?



Additional details...After re-reading, I decided this is very one-sided and perhaps I left out some pertinent information.

I think I had resigned myself to my home situation...this is just what it is going to be...what it will be. 

However, while on a business trip, I was in a situation where I had to make a decision. I was/am attracted to a co-worker. I really thought I wanted to have an affair with her and then the opportunity presented itself. We talked, we shared, we connected. I think this was the tipping point for me. I saw that yes I do have something to offer another person. And that there are people out there that find me attractive both physically and mentally. But when it came down to having an affair, I decided NO...it wasn't right. I need to deal with the home situation first. So, nothing happened other than talk. 

But for me this was the awaking that I needed to do something about my situation. This all happened a couple of weeks before I had the divorce discussion with her. I thought long and hard about telling my wife about this situation or not. Ultimately, I did tell her. Not sure if I should have or not. but again, for me it was the realization that I could have more...I could have someone who loves me and that I don't have to settle for what my marriage has become.

I have also done a lot of reading on emotional affairs. I am sure some will think that I crossed that line and had an emotional affair. But I don't think so...although I can see that happening if things don't get better.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: kWant to see if anyone has any advice for me.*

Its never selfish to want to be happy. What she is doing is the same as a man choosing to watch porn over having sex with his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Of course it's the threat of divorce that is making her act. If you see noticeable changes over seven weeks that is good. Goes to show that your wife can commit to something. From your story it sounds like she can stick to a plan or idea. She got her Masters and she lost her weight. But it seems like she also has the tendency to quit and forget. She didn't finish the Doctorate, and she gained her weight back.

:I believe you have a chance with her, you just need to be firm but also show her encouragement. Glad you didn't pursue that office mate. I would have never told your wife because it will forever be in the back of her mind, but what's done is done. Work on your marriage, with proper communication and enforcement of your boundaries. Make sure she knows that there are consequences if she breaks those boundaries of yours. 

Also once things have settled down slightly, you should ask her to go on a romantic long weekend with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, it is only the threat of D that is making her act. Still, she isnt doing enough. It doesnt sound like she really loves you, she just doesnt want her life to change, some people are content with familiar suffering. 

You know what? Its OK to admit that you are done. Its OK to want more out of your life than what it is now. Its OK to end it so that you can find some happiness for yourself. She hasnt been happy either, and doesnt really seem to care. Its incredible to me that she did all that work to improve herself, and then just blew it. Very sad. 

Give yourself permission to take the path you know you want to take.


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