# Confused and pray to save the marriage



## Jay17 (Aug 27, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for 16 years. The marriage hasn't been easy as both of us have been laid off our jobs a combined 3 times early on but we worked through and stayed together. We have an 8 and 4 year old kids. Nearly 3 years ago I caught her sending nearly naked pictures of herself to another guy. I noticed she was texting a lot and when I looked at the Verizon bill I noticed that right after she would send me a sexy picture she would send someone else a picture. She denied until I kept pushing then she owned up to it. She said she needed validation that she still looked good after our daughter was born. She said we were done and I somehow convinced her to stay. She said she talked to her brother and he chewed her out and told her to end it with him. I joined Facebook again a few months ago and I looked this guy up and I saw my wife had "liked" several posts since she said it was over with him. The last one was from 9 months ago. She said she doesn't talk to him and just never deleted him as a Friend from Facebook. When I saw that she was still Friends with him I lost it and ran home and went through her stuff and found a couple loose journal pages and a letter. The journal pages talked about a year long affair with an old boyfriend a couple years after we got married and an affair with a co-worker that same year. The letter was to a co-worker at a different job a year or two later. They had a few month affair where she was crazy about him. She told me the other day she did love him. He was married and they divorced and he moved away.

Periodically throughout the marriage I have felt like I am not that important like her friends were more important than me. There have been really good years where we were doing great so I can't say the whole marriage was bad. Just right now is a difficult time so the negative thoughts are at the surface. She loved that I was quiet and reserved when we met but now she doesn't like that in me. I have been trying to work on myself lately

She is one of those woman that seems to have more guy friends that woman friends. She hasn't been happy for a while and we have worked on issues although she says she isn't sure she loves me anymore on some bad stretches. She expects the fire to be constant but from what I have read the fire and passion usually lasts about 3 years then things settle.

A few months ago I was talking to a female co-worker and I mentioned we were going on a family vacation to try and save the marriage. She unloads on her marriage problems and later on she gives e her number. I was uncomfortable as I didn't think it was okay but I told my wife and she was fine with us texting and talking. We would text about work and common interests and some talk of general sex stuff. I felt weird but I know my wife has talked about stuff with her guy friends that I know are just friends. My wife has always liked woman looking at me and this woman giving me her number was a turn on. My wife likes validation to know that woman are attracted to me. Upon encouragement from my wife I told this woman a fantasy I had which I wasn't exactly comfortable telling but my wife said I should. The woman is a massage therapist and it was about getting oral on the massage table. I went over and got a massage and she made that fantasy happen and we had intercourse. I immediately regretted it and I think she knew as well as I was quiet and sweating terribly. I expected it to never happen again and it would fade away.

He husband was suspicious and he broke into her phone and found the texts she send to her friend saying we had sex then connecting with my wife on Facebook Messenger and telling her. It has been 3 weeks. The initial phone call from her was back your crap and get out. I was able to calm her down and talk her into "pumping the brakes". We are still under the same roof sleeping in separate beds. She has said she is 90% done and most of the rest is for the kids. She has asked for some space to recover and obtain a clear head to make a decision. I did everything I should have by crying, apologizing, professing love . I think some was acceptable but I need to back off and give her space. We did get into two big fights since they day she found out. A week ago out of frustration I said I was done and she didn't say she was done. I cooled and apologized and she said lets relax and the next day she asked if I was still done and I said no. Last Saturday I was frustrated again and said if your really done then just say it and she held off and didn't say it.

I broke it off with the other woman and said we can't talk. My wife and her close friend said that I should check in with her as she could be hurt that it just ended as my wife knows how things can happen as she has been the other woman before. I texted her which I have let my wife see. Nothing is going on and will go on. Course my wife kinda likes that the other woman still likes me. She did say if we do decide to work that it has to end with the other woman. I said I would't be talking to her if you hadn't wanted me to check in to see how she was.

I am not sure what I am expecting by posting but I don't know what to do. All I can do is give her space and pray for the best. 

We were doing well for a while around the time of the vacation then she was so busy at work and spending time with her co-workers and I didn't really feel valued and this other woman did value and give me action and recently finding out my wife cheated early on in our marriage probably made me think it was okay to have sex with the co-worker. I am so remorseful that I hurt my wife and could take down my marriage and family. I said to her once that if we are done I guess my affair is the nail in the coffin filled her her crap as I have been a model husband up to that point staying by her through everything.

At this time she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling. She gave me a time she could go next week then when I set it up she said she couldn't make it which I do believe. She said a few times she isn't ready for counseling yet. I have said that we have 16 years together and 2 kids lets at least try our hardest before we throw in the towel.

I guess if she is really done why doesn't she do it. Maybe working up the courage as it can be hard to break up a family with kids. She is going to her own counseling session in a week or two. Her parents are telling her it would be a mistake to leave me.

I don't know I am lost and scared. I just pray every day that she will go to counselling and try and repair. I do feel this affair changed me for the better and stripped me down so I can rebuild myself and hopefully rebuild our marriage.

Yesterday she did send me this link about if a spouse mentions divorce and how not to blow chances of reconciliation. That tells me that she isn't really done or has doubts. 


I have founds some comfort in religion and read the daily in Jesus Calling and I bought my first bible. I am a changed and remorseful person.


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## Jay17 (Aug 27, 2017)

I apologize for how long the post is. If I had time I would go through and edit before posting.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I see nothing to save. Keep banging your married OW and try to find some single ones that you can have a real relationship with. You're kids will be fine and much better off without seeing a dysfunctional marriage.


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## Jay17 (Aug 27, 2017)

The OW is getting divorced over this. She was done with her husband anyway. This just accelerated her leaving. 

I don't want her. Im so stupid for doing it. I know I am probably beating myself up a little more than I should as my wife has been 10x worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Carry on getting close to God, and trust Him with the future. Your wife has cheated 3 times and clearly thinks nothing of faithfulness.Its hard to know how you can trust her. Of course, you also cheated, but at least you regretted it and have sorrow for what you did.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You both are bad for each other her for her EA's and you for you PA, this will take intense counseling and transparency to begin to even heal from this.

When a woman says she is done, we are usually done. 

She could just be sticking around while she is making her plan to leave.


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## Jay17 (Aug 27, 2017)

She has said she is done before but changed her mind. This time could be the time. She said if I pressure she will really be done and tell me to set up the mediator. 

I am sure she could be working towards exiting by going to counseling. Not sure why she said to read that article about not blowing a reconciliation by not giving space and pressure. I can't read into anything. So confusing and in denial I am sure.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think your wife is a hypocrite and your to weak to call her out on it...and what you did was a revenge affair....you realize she is a serial cheater and this marriage is not big enough for two cheaters....frankly I am shock you did not kick her to the curb when you found all those journal of evidence....bottom line it's okay for her to cheat not you....and she is probably cheating now. Do yourself a favor and move on.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The two of you have a lot of maturing to do or you wouldn't be in this mess. A mess like this would take a herculean effort to put back on track with two whole mature committed individuals, and that doesn't describe either of you. 

Your W can't or won't stop cheating on you. Why? It's in the proof... What ever she says, it's her actions that show she keeps going after other men. She is a serial cheater. She doesn't want you for what she's looking for from these other guys. She gets a high from doing this. 

Why do you need someone who does that? Why do you have such low self-esteem? Don't you think you deserve someone better who will work with you through good and bad, and not find other men? We all deserve better! 

Isn't that part of the reason you went looking for someone who wanted that from you? BTW, you should have moved on before you had your A, you only mucked up the situation even more for your family and that girl's family too. I don't care what she said about her marriage, image how her H and kids feel. 

IMO, cut your losses right here and work on yourself, so at least one of you can give your kids a stable parent. Start using your head, not your feelings to run your life.

Best


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jay17 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 16 years. The marriage hasn't been easy as both of us have been laid off our jobs a combined 3 times early on but we worked through and stayed together. We have an 8 and 4 year old kids. Nearly 3 years ago I caught her sending nearly naked pictures of herself to another guy. I noticed she was texting a lot and when I looked at the Verizon bill I noticed that right after she would send me a sexy picture she would send someone else a picture. She denied until I kept pushing then she owned up to it. She said she needed validation that she still looked good after our daughter was born. She said we were done and I somehow convinced her to stay. She said she talked to her brother and he chewed her out and told her to end it with him. I joined Facebook again a few months ago and I looked this guy up and I saw my wife had "liked" several posts since she said it was over with him. The last one was from 9 months ago. She said she doesn't talk to him and just never deleted him as a Friend from Facebook. When I saw that she was still Friends with him I lost it and ran home and went through her stuff and found a couple loose journal pages and a letter. The journal pages talked about a year long affair with an old boyfriend a couple years after we got married and an affair with a co-worker that same year. The letter was to a co-worker at a different job a year or two later. They had a few month affair where she was crazy about him. She told me the other day she did love him. He was married and they divorced and he moved away.
> 
> Periodically throughout the marriage I have felt like I am not that important like her friends were more important than me. There have been really good years where we were doing great so I can't say the whole marriage was bad. Just right now is a difficult time so the negative thoughts are at the surface. She loved that I was quiet and reserved when we met but now she doesn't like that in me. I have been trying to work on myself lately
> 
> ...


You are both cheaters, you are both broken, there is nothing to save unless you both are serious about doing the work and it appears neither of you really are serious about MC or changing. Get divorced and vow to do the right thing the next time. It appears your wife has been a serial cheater and checked out of the marriage a long time now with her multiple affairs and really isn't into you if she encouraged you to pursue the married OW. You could have been a better man and said no, at least you would have the moral high ground in any divorce, but you have sunk to the same depths as your wife.

Your wife has cheated on you many times but seems to have turned it all on you, sending you links etc, why are you putting up with this ****? She broke the marriage many years ago and now suddenly you are the cheater? Where is your cajones, your A is basically a revenge A, about time she gets to taste what that is like, do not take on board all her bull****! What has she done to repair the damage of her actions in the marriage, nothing by the looks of it and she has you crawling, stop it and get out. Your wife is not worth fighting for. Run as fast as you can.

Cut your losses, go see a lawyer and proceed to divorce, there is no respect between you and it's not a good place for the kids to grow up. Let your wife be the w**** she is and become a better man, go for IC and make sure you pick a better partner the next time.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How many times did your wife cheat?

Then you cheat one time with your wife pushing you in that direction. 

Why would you even want to stay with your wife?


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## maryakaehr (May 26, 2017)

My reply


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Hey there. Firstly, let me say, I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't know that you'll be able to save your marriage. Perhaps, you can write her a letter explaining your hurts and fears to her, but do not expect a miracle. Other posters are right; when a woman says she's gone, she's usually really gone. But whether you stay or go, self-care and self-love are so vitally important, even more so right now. Take time to look after yourself and do things that relax you and (used to) bring you joy. Maybe delegate the housework to a maid service once a month or every couple of months, if you can afford it. Maybe make use of a crock pot to have healthy-low-effort meals. There are thousands of recipes on the internet.

I find this website called "You Feel Like Sh*t", with its interactive self-care guide, has helped me literally hundreds of times when i'm so upset I don't have the will to move, or when I know _something_ is upsetting me but I have no idea what. I can't post the link here because TAM censors it, but you can google it and you'll find it easily. If you can't do google, I actually made a printable version myself, and if you want I can send it to you.

Another thing I very highly recommend is the Abandoment Recovery Workbook by Susan Anderson. It's a fantastic guide for anyone who has lost a partner, spouse, affair partner, or even a friend. It was actually designed for BOTH wayward spouses AND betrayed spouses, and offers absolutely no judgement as it helps you learn to get by without the people you've lost.

I hope you find comfort, healing, and joy, because you deserve it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You both need to learn what marital boundaries are!

You did the correct thing in turning to God and summarily asking for His forgiveness! In addition, you need to also move on!

Any loving wife would never subject the man she loves to the arms of another woman without the presence of malice and aforethought!*


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your wife has been cheating for years and pushed you to do the same so she don't feel guilty.


Its like some sort of free for all!

Maybe you should have or agree to an open marriage?

Thats basicaly what you have now.


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## Fishnbuddy (Sep 3, 2017)

Get out it does not get any better dummy. Go see I am attorney first before she does take it from one who knows


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