# Need some advice from the ladies please!



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

What would make you want to get back together with your ex?

Here is the background. Married for 24 years. Two great successful adult children. No infidelity, no abuse, no drugs or drinking. Several major problems, financial, job/career related/empty nest that ran concurrently and caused me to become very depressed, withdrawn and generally unhappy with myself and life in general.

Since my wife decided to seek a dissolution most of these issues have been resolved almost entirely to be benefit. I have a new job with a steady paycheck that I really like. I gave up owning my own business with its unsteady cash/work flow and seemingly ever increasing levels of stress. I sold the old house that had become a money pit and source of major stress and time. The combination of these two resolved my financial issues and I now live less than 20 minutes from my daughter (who had moved 2.5 hours away and was the source of my empty nest. 

My wife told me she no longer loved me because I was not the man she married. And I wasn't. Nor do I want to be. I didn't particularly like that guy either. I want to be better than that guy. I love my wife and I love my family and want to make them whole again. We have filed the dissolution papers and it is set to finalize next month. I realize that our old relationship had to end because I wasn't happy and that was making her unhappy or vice versa. I know she is not blameless, but feel all of this could have been avoided if only I had been dragged out of the hole I dug myself into earlier.

She has previously told me that she isn't making any promises but that if I can get better we could become friends again, If that happens who knows where it could lead. My daughter asked her to give me a chance and she only said she wasn't making any promises. To me that means it is up to me. So please any and all advice is appreciated!

As I said almost all of my stressors are gone and I am making every effort to regain the lost me and recreate a better me. So, what can I do to keep the spark from flickering out as I continue to recover and remake myself. Nothing in the world would make me happier than to rekindle a relationship with the mother of my children and the love of my life.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

This is going to sound really harsh, but I don't know a different way to ask. What will happen to you when the next major stressor happens? A death in the family, major illness, another financial hurdle? 

For me, I would need to know that we are pulling the cart through life together. When the road gets bumpy I can't pull the cart by myself and help my partner. Sometimes it's only bumpy on his side and I pull harder and vice versa. If my partner just completely gives up for a while it would be hard to trust that he will be there when I need him. I guess I would need to see how my partner handles stress and hardship, because life will just keep throwing it at us.

I don't know of your situation exactly, so if this does not fit feel free to disregard.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Whatever her love language is do that and do it frequently, if you can. Check up on her with texts to see how she's doing. Be responsive to any attempts she makes to contact you - i.e. return texts and phone calls asap. 

Also...go the gym. Get some fashion advice and buy some new clothes. Pursue an activity that you love that you have neglected. i.e. Become more of an attractive person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The problem is, women usually hang on for years and years and years - until they are simply no longer in love. By the time they leave you, they have given you SO many chances that they simply cannot believe you have anything worth offering. And women are SLOW to trust again. It would take you probably 5 years of consistent effort to prove to her that you finally 'get it.'


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

What it would take from me is a huge paradigm shift from the way he was before that was making me unhappy in the marriage to the way I needed him to be for all of those years. I'd also have to see that it was a lasting change and believe it in my heart that things weren't going to go back to how they were before. This takes TIME. I find many people whether they've been left or not are not prepared for just how long that can often take...especially in this day and age of instant gratification/reward. We are used to having things NOW from microwaves to fast-food to computers but that's not realistic when it comes to rekindling love and doing away with resentments.

If you have any chance at all with your wife, you will need to be steadfast and consistent with the positive changes for a LONG time. As Turnera was alluding to, most women are not walk away wives. So for however long it was bad or just certain issues prevailed that made her unhappy, factor in AT LEAST that long. It may not take that long if she still loves you (and it sounds like there may be some hope) but I do want you to have a good sense of what you're getting into/how long it could take if it takes at all. 

From the sounds of it, all of the changes you've made have been fairly recent and after the separation or dissolution of the marriage. If that's the case, I would expect your wife to be suspicious of your changes for a long time. She may feel now that it is all just a manipulation on your part to get her back, but then once you're back together will go back to the man that hurt her, wasn't there when she needed him to be and could not handle stress. This is why it takes so long.

Talking to your wife about all of the changes you are making probably WILL NOT help. If your wife is like me actions speak LOUDER than words...besides talking up your changes too much can come across as either desperate (desperation is never sexy), or self-centered. Further, they can't be measured by her. You can talk until you're blue in the face about how great you are now but if she can't see it, the words count for nothing. 

To wrap this up, I say you should remain steadfast with your changes (it did sound like you needed to make them regardless). Finally, you will need to (I realize these words together may seem like an oxymoron), maintain an air of: humility, vulnerability *and *confidence. 

*Humility *towards the past actions and how you now plan to contrast them with a better you. Your wife is trying to finalize a divorce, you're trying to win her back. This is NOT the time to point out all of her faults. 

*Vulnerability *in that you still desire her, love her, miss her and want to be with her.

*Confidence *that you, despite past mistakes are still a person worthy of love and will still be okay whether she comes back to you or not. All the while continuing with the changes you have made.

All the while being consistent with your changest.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

So far I appreciate all of the advice. I understand that this was months if not years in the making and I am not going to fix things overnight. The issues I spoke of were effecting me, not her. In fact a lot of the stress from them came from the feeling that it was I facing them alone. 
In some ways I feel like I have lived the past 24 years living a role as opposed to living my life. I sometimes feel that I did things only because I assumed that that was what was expected of me in my role as husband/provider/father/homeowner/whatever. I gave sacrificed a lot of me to fill those roles and it was unappreciated. It ultimately made me unhappy. I have since found that a lot of my sacrifice was recognized. I was just too torked into the ground to recognize it. My new job is a perfect example. I sent an email to biggest client on Tuesday. 72 hours later I had a job offer. The thing is the offer wasn't for the job I applied for, but for a more senior position at much higher pay. When I started working I was told of the turf war that erupted within the department as each manager wanted me on their team.
I have truly benefitted from having four major stressors resolved in my favor nearly simultaneously. I know the ball is in my court. I am making changes. I know the changes will have to be on going, prolonged and permanent. I hope to continue to get advice as I move forward. Regardless of what happens, I know that our old relationship is dead. But I also know this women possesses the qualities that I love and want in a woman. We have a long history and I want her back. I am willing to endure the time that it takes.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Ynot said:


> The issues I spoke of were effecting me, not her. In fact a lot of the stress from them came from the feeling that it was I facing them alone.


If I were your wife and you were keeping your burdens to yourself, I would feel like you didn't trust me with them. I would feel shut out. If someone you love is suffering, you suffer too and as you say, the demise of your marriage happened when your burdens became too much for you...so obviously they were affecting her. But again, if it were me, it wouldn't be because I saw you as incapable but because you wouldn't let me in enough to let me help ease your burdens. 



Ynot said:


> But I also know this women possesses the qualities that I love and want in a woman. We have a long history and I want her back. I am willing to endure the time that it takes.


That makes me go all squishy inside. Nice to know a man loves his woman this much. Now, you just have to put your money where your mouth is.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ynot... you have ten other threads; in all of them, you say that your wife has clearly stated she hasn't loved you for years, the marriage is over, and she wants out. 

I don't see where anything has changed that would make her change her mind. Unless I'm missing something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ten threads? WTH?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Ynot... you have ten other threads; in all of them, you say that your wife has clearly stated she hasn't loved you for years, the marriage is over, and she wants out.
> 
> I don't see where anything has changed that would make her change her mind. Unless I'm missing something.


I posted many things in the confusion of my early confusion. I also posted about some real self discoveries that I have had since then. Early on nothing made sense to me and most of our interaction with each was simply reactionary. I was mad she reacted. She was mad and I reacted. Since I have now been able to plug my "numbers" into the equation, the outcome makes a lot more sense to me. I have thanked her for knocking me out of the horrible rut I had been in and apologized for her having to be on the other end of it. Since that time, a lot of tension has been removed and we are communicating with each other much more openly and freely.
After the thanks and sorry, I also spoke to our children. I told them the same things and that has also released a great deal of tension within our family.
So many things have changed since I first started posting. My daughter asked her to allow me the opportunity to prove myself. My wife responded by saying she would but she isn't making any promises. Which to me sounds hopeful. The ball is in my court, hence this thread. 
I completely and totally understand that regardless of what has happened, or what will happen. Today is still the first day of the rest of my life. It is up to me to make the changes to make me happy for me and let the chips fall where they may. But any advice I can get to rig the game in my favor is very much appreciated.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

turnera said:


> Ten threads? WTH?


LOL! you have 25900 posts! WTH? :smthumbup:


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ynot said:


> So many things have changed since I first started posting. My daughter asked her to allow me the opportunity to prove myself. My wife responded by saying she would but she isn't making any promises. Which to me sounds hopeful. *The ball is in my court, hence this thread. *


I'm sorry to say this friend, but the ball is most definitely NOT in your court.  You are allowing yourself to be "evaluated and judged" by your wife... and *if SHE decides you cut the muster, then she just MIGHT take you back*. I would say the ball is definitely in HER court.



Ynot said:


> Today is still the first day of the rest of my life. It is up to me to make the changes to make me happy for me and let the chips fall where they may.


You have another thread titled "The First Day" from several weeks ago. So which day is the "first day of the rest of your life?" Then? Or now?

You seem to be caught on the treadmill, hoping against hope, that there's something YOU can do to win her back. You've been on TAM long enough to know that letting go, letting her realize what she's lost, is the only way to "win her back."

*Employ the 180 HARD.* Stop trying to convince her. Let her come to that conclusion on her own. It's the only way.

In case you need some refreshing of how to do the "180"... here it is:

_
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Happy as a clam - EVERYDAY is the first day of the rest of my life and yours too!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Happy as a clam - EVERYDAY is the first day of the rest of my life and yours too!


That is certainly true  but I believe your thread title implied that THAT "first day" was a new beginning, a new you, turning over a new leaf, so to speak.

I still believe (as I posted on your second thread) you would get much more helpful advice if you would stick to one thread. Just a suggestion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> That is certainly true  but I believe your thread title implied that THAT "first day" was a new beginning, a new you, turning over a new leaf, so to speak.
> 
> I still believe (as I posted on your second thread) you would get much more helpful advice if you would stick to one thread. Just a suggestion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not trying to be argumentative, so please don't take it that way, but the day I started that thread was the first day of the rest of my life. I also stated that I would continue posting on that thread since everyday was a new day and I hoped that I might be able to help others going thru the same thing. 
My understanding of my situation has evolved as I have discovered more about myself and my relationship with my wife. And I have to disagree with getting better advice from fewer threads. Most of the advice received is based upon one's initial reaction to the first post and once an opinion has been given few are willing to acknowledge that perhaps they were wrong or didn't quite understand the situation as it has developed. A good example is the way "the 180" is tossed around here so readily. The 180 plan was designed to help those who had been victimized by infidelity. It does not apply to each and every situation. I understand the premise is to focus on yourself. That is why I have the "Firt Day" thread. But the tactics are not something that absolutely apply to every thing. As a matter of fact some of those tactics were the very things that lead to my broken marriage in the first place. So perhaps doing a 180 from the 180 is what I really need to be doing. 
I appreciate a lot of the advice I get here, but a great deal of it I have to discount because it appears to be driven by the anger and bitterness of the particular situation the advice giver had been thru themselves. Sorry for going on so long. As I said I am not trying to be argumentative.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

There are serious consequences for willfully disbelieving what is plainly right there in front of your face. 

You seem to think that if you just believe harder than she does you will get what you want. This is not "wish and make it so." 

She has told you plainly in words and in actions that she does not want to continue the relationship. The actions should have been enough. I think it is time you gave her the respect of believing her.

MN


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