# I'm in love with another woman.



## Hominem te esse memento (Aug 12, 2011)

I've been reading these fora for some time, but this is my first post.

I should start by saying that I love my fiancée. We've been together since highschool and are getting married next year. We have as close to a perfect relationship as can be imagined. 

Hence my surprise at finding myself falling in love with another woman. I'm certainly not going to leave my fiancée, I love her too much for that....and I fear she'd separate me from my gentleman's vegetables, I've grown rather attached to them over the years. 

However, there is a part of me that longs to spend time with the other woman, to be romantic with her, &c. I'm obviously not going to do that as I'm not an arse and neither is she. Unfortunately I can't simply avoid her as we're on the same university course and inevitably go to the same parties, pub outings and so on. 

Remaining proper in my conduct toward the 'other woman' – but especially the guilt of even having these feelings – is emotionally draining. I expect others here have been in a similar situation. How did you cope? Any other advice and/or admonitions will be gratefully received.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are in control. You don't have to fall in love with anyone you don't want to. If you respect your fiance, break up with her.

If your relationship with your fiance was so perfect, you wouldn't be falling in love with another woman.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Get control of yourself. You have made a commitment to your fiance. Minimize contact with the other woman. Not texts emails don't chat with her, etc. Be a man and honor you relationship.


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## Hominem te esse memento (Aug 12, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You are in control. You don't have to fall in love with anyone you don't want to. If you respect your fiance, break up with her.
> 
> If your relationship with your fiance was so perfect, you wouldn't be falling in love with another woman.


I'm completely in control of my actions. That means I'm not going to cheat.

I am not in control of my feelings. Do you not believe it is possible to love two people at once? There'll be no breaking up around 'ere. 

I could always convert to Islam and attempt to persuade the girls to do the same, polygamy and all that, but something tells me that they won't be so keen on the idea.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

You can 'like' someone, but you'll need to try and steer clear from that other woman, otherwise you'll never know what can happen. Stick to your fiancee, especially since you say you love her and are happy together and try to treat the other as a colleague and minimize contact as much as possible. You can't have them both and, if you pursue the other one too, you'll break both their hearts.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Omg. Are you for real?

I feel sorry for your fiance. Seriously. If you want to love 2 or more women...then do it!! Just DO NOT get married. Do you think your fiance would like you loving someone else? You should ask her...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hominem te esse memento said:


> I'm completely in control of my actions. That means I'm not going to cheat.
> 
> I am not in control of my feelings. Do you not believe it is possible to love two people at once? There'll be no breaking up around 'ere.
> 
> I could always convert to Islam and attempt to persuade the girls to do the same, polygamy and all that, but something tells me that they won't be so keen on the idea.


sounds like you WANT to cheat and are trying to find the justification to go ahead. You don't love this other woman you are just attracted to her. What about the next attractive woman, then the next one? You need to fix this impulsive feeling because if you have the perfect woman already you need to give 100% to her in order to protect your relationship and make it work.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

How old are you? The answer is, not old enough to get married. 

Once you mature, you will realize that you don't need to ask anyone what to do when you are attracted to someone other than your partner.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to do some serious self analysis before getting married, and find out what you're missing with your relationship with your fiancé. People in a healthy relationship don't generally fall in love spontaneously.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hominem te esse memento (Aug 12, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Omg. Are you for real?
> 
> I feel sorry for your fiance. Seriously. If you want to love 2 or more women...then do it!! Just DO NOT get married. Do you think your fiance would like you loving someone else? You should ask her...


I'm not dealing with an existential crisis.

I don't think I'll tell her, due to my well developed fear of vegetable seperation as mentioned in the opening post.

Anyhoo. Is it safe to assume you don't believe it's possible to develop feelings for someone else without having intended to do so?

In any case, it's not as if I'm going to jump in bed with the other woman. Despite being a chap, I don't have a problem with self-control. I'm more interested in hearing about coping emotionally with my self-control/feelings.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Hominem te esse memento said:


> I've been reading these fora for some time, but this is my first post.
> 
> I should start by saying that I love my fiancée. We've been together since highschool and are getting married next year. We have as close to a perfect relationship as can be imagined.
> 
> ...


Yes, you can avoid her. You may be in the same class but you don't have to sit near her or converse with her. And no one is forcing your to go to the same parties, pub outings, etc as this woman.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He just wants to feel good about how he's feeling. lol.


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## Hominem te esse memento (Aug 12, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He just wants to feel good about how he's feeling. lol.


Not particularly. What I'm feeling is not something to feel good about. I am not seeking justification for my feelings.

I expected something more constructive from you, someone else who has come to these fora with a problem.

*Trying to steer this thread towards my problem....

For some time I've been simply repressing my feelings. But doesn't this tend to simply bottle up problems that later explode. (Especially combined with other issues I've been repressing.) Us chaps are often criticised for following this course of action, so I thought I'd try to tap the collective wisdom of TAM.*


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

THis is not a hard scenario to overcome.

Recognize your crush for what it is, a crush.

If you have deep seated reservations about your marriage, or some incompatible issues with your fiance, then that is a problem and it needs to be dealt with.

HOwever, as a man, if you find another woman attractive, then that is normal. But if you develop a crush on every woman you find attractive, then you better darn well get a hold of yourself because it won't be any different after marriage!

Never put any woman on a pedastal, and developing uncontrolled emotional crushes on this or that woman is doing just that very thing. THere are over 3 billion women on this planet, so the good man is wise to get control on how he "lets" any one woman affect him!

And especially this, you go to same university course, and same partys, same social circles, that is not an excuse. 

Later, when you are in the workplace, working in close proximity with often attractive and available women for years, and on the same projects, etc, as a man you simply have GOT to establish concrete boundries on feelings for such women.

For myself, I put into place firm boundries that I simply will not flirt with women I work with, nor will I discuss with them anything relationship related, nor will I even be part of a conversation with a group of women socially concerning men, or concerning their husbands/boyfriends, or anything sexual or gender related.

The irony is, years ago since establishing that boundry, it is amusing to me to see how often when exposed to my aloofness how (especially the younger) women then trip over each other to dilberately and overtly try to engage my attention in such flirting or relationship small talk, so much I assume I am in a way the seduction community would define as "negging" them.

And yes, I admit, I find that MUCH MORE amusing than any misplaced crush feelings.

And I will close with this, drop the fear of your woman seperating your vegetables. It is important for her to know that you are capable of attracting, and being attractive, to other women. No woman wants to win and keep for long any man that is not a challenge, a prize worthy of being fought for and won. 

And it is just as important for you to be both honest to your woman, and never afraid of your woman, for a man that is afraid of a woman, he will only sow his own seeds leading down the road to resentment and lack of respect from his woman!


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## feelingleftout (Aug 8, 2011)

Dont get married just yet! take your time and meet other women.... Maybe you are not inlove with your fiance, you are just so used to being with her.....It's better to break an engagement than to break a marriage!


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Hominem te esse memento said:


> I am not in control of my feelings. Do you not believe it is possible to love two people at once?


No, it is not possible to love two people at the same time, not on the level needed for a marriage to work. Me thinks you are confusing love with infatuation.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's not surprising that we are attracted to a variety of people throughout our lives. Many of them could have been good choices for a mate. I work in a male- dominated feild and I have known 3 men over the course of my nearly 10 years of marriage for whom I felt a strong attraction. The attraction is almost a recognition of a kindred soul. I worked closely with one for about 2 years. I never let our conversation vear into personal topics.

I avoided getting to know him on any but a superficial level. I avoided talking to him in social situations and never went to lunch with him. I didn't even discuss what books he liked or if he voted for Bush. Simply put, I did not pet the attraction deepen and it died a natural death in a matter of months. 

I am certain that it will happen again. However, knowing what I know i will look at it dispationatly and do exactly what I did before. I view my commitment and love for my husband very highly. I chose to love him above all others not because he was the only one I could love but he is the only one I want to love. I think it is the same for him. It is all the more special because it is a choice and not an easy one to sustain. It takes character, self- control, honor and respect for my choicen one. 

I have taken a circuitous route to ask you to consider the following. What is the nature of love for you? It varies for each individual. Does love survive the fog of "in love" period and deepen for you? Did it deepen still more when you got to know your fiancé, through the difficult periods, through the natural purtebations of emotions

. Did they survive the times in your life when you needed the affirmation of your fiancé's love to carry you through? Do you hold your history with her as a once in a lifetime experience that you would not have missed? Do you connect with her on many levels? 

In am not sure what love is exactly but I believe the above may be some element of it. 

You say you love this woman. How can that be? If love to you is given and received from women that you don't know and who don't know you then, you love her.. Maybe it is that type of love that drives people to cheat. They give up a deep connectiion that seems worn for something shinny and new. 

Perhaps the glow survives the past the honeymoon phase. I suspect that it does not happen often. Perhaps in time, there is an appreciation of the difference between true love and the "in love fog". There may also be a sense of loss and regret at giving up a gem for a shinny penny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you dont care to slog through my first post let me ask this since you seem like a smart man - how do you figure you can love someone that you don't know. Moreover, how do you know she returns your feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> If you dont care to slog through my first post let me ask this since you seem like a smart man - how do you figure you can love someone that you don't know. Moreover, how do you know she returns your feelings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And I will take it one further.....

If you think what you are feeling with this other person is love (it isn't, btw), how do you know you really love your fiance?


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I suggest that you take a break from your relationship with your fiance. This is because many people in your same situation later regret the fact that they didn't experience the dating scene before they got married.



> *We've been together since highschool* and are getting married next year. We have as close to a perfect relationship as can be imagined.


I've seen it happen time and time again and as cruel and hurtful as it may sound, it's best to let your fiance go for now and hopefully you and her will have the same feelings for each other once you get this dating scene out of your system.

It's NOT good to be in love with another woman before you're even married, but it's better that it happened now than later. 

This usually happens AFTER the couple have been married a while and more often than not ... AFTER they have had children.

And let me tell you in advance that the repercussion is beyond comprehension. Many will be hurt and left devastated. Anyone who's been through this can vouch to that.

So do yourself and her a favor and take a break from each other because what you're missing is the EXPERIENCE of having dated other women. You need to get that out of your system before you commit yourself to marriage.

While it's true that you can force yourself to commit to your fiance, the temptation of experiencing a relationship with another woman will always be there. It will test your will power in ways you can't even imagine. Best of luck to you and yours.


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