# Lies vs trust vs ?



## Butterfly1227 (Apr 15, 2020)

So I will apologize in advance, this may be a long read. I am also admitting I am not perfect, I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to.

So my husband and I have been together, dating and married, for 17 years. He has always had a mood and a temper. He holds grudges and and has never admitted to his faults. I can be jealous, over the top, and sometimes needy. I cry easily and have always been the one to blame. With this being said, about 8 months ago my husband had to change jobs/careers that were beyond his control. He ended up taking an overnight warehouse job that was supposed to be temporar.y. I know he enjoys what he is doing, but the change in hours have completely shifted our family upside down. He only has to work 4 days but because of his new sleep pattern, we only have him available for maybe 2. he has become moodier when he can’t get enough sleep and the kids never get to see him. Our daily conversations have dwindled and it is usually me texting him to talk and trying to make time when I know he has a break to talk.

so about 2 months ago, we had gotten into a pretty major argument. I wanted to meet up with a friend with our kids and he wasn’t happy about it And gave me a guilt trip about going. I ended up texting my friend some nasty words about my husband. He did not see it, I later felt guilty, apologized to my friend for having her get into the middle of an argument and deleted the texts. I apologized to my husband, admitted I sent it and he was furious. He could not believe that I would say anything to anyone. this took awhile before they went back to any kind of what was a new normal.
In the meantime he started bringing home a coworker. He mentioned to me that he was only bringing her home when it was snowing or raining. This then turned into an everyday thing. (Side note, this woman lives across the street and walks to work everyday). we have our google maps linked and I can see when he drops her off. I have made attempts to call him to say good morning when I know he is there and these calls were ignored. We have gotten arguments over why he had to bring her home and why does it have to be everyday. I even asked him to just text me when he is bringing her home. His response, “I am a nice person, you are a *****, and she helped me get my promotion”.

Our sex life has seen its ups and downs. He used to be the main initiator but now he won’t. I have down everything I can to make sure we have an active sex life. I have even climbed on top of him naked and he just pushes me away saying he is too tired, even though it is very evident that he was aroused. 

it’s now 2 months later. I have not asked him again to not take her home, I trust that he won’t do anything but he won’t tell me when he is taking her home. I have asked him to just let me know when he is taking her home but he questions my trust in him and says why does he need to. i feel like he is lieing to me, there is more to this and he is hiding it,. But he Just won’t tell me. He claims I have no trust for him and he is now pushing for a divorce and hard. 

am I reading to o much into this? Every time I try to start a conversation about this he gets angry and walks away . I just need answers.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If it were me, I'd take the focus off your husband, and start focusing on you. Just as a starting point. It'll improve your confidence, and in turn, help you deal with your husband from a place of strength.

What can you do to improve yourself - for you? How can you be stronger mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically? 

What is your self-talk like? What do you eat? Do you work out/go for walks? Are you getting enough sleep?

What are your responsibilities around the house? Do those well and with intention - almost like an art form. Do your best, no matter what you're doing.

Work on your wardrobe. Try a new hairstyle and new make-up. It's creative and fun.

I know it's hard (almost like an addiction withdrawal), but try to emotionally detach from his bad behavior.

Henry Cloud is an author/speaker whose specialty is boundaries. Any book you choose by him would be helpful for you to read. He has several facebook groups, if you'd like to join one - they're free.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Listen to your gut.

On the surface, it sounds like your H is having an affair. Also, him saying this: “I am a nice person, you are a *** "

Tells me he doesn't love you. He sounds like he's nice to this woman, but not to you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, you are losing your marriage. 
You likely never had a good grip on your husband. 

He sounds overly controlling and mean. 

I can say working the graveyard shift does make people always tired, and short tempered.
He did not have to travel too far to arrive at this, short-with-you, cutting spot.


I suspect something is going on with this woman at work. 

Prepare for the worst outcome. Detach and remain cool with him.
Give him no reason to criticize you.

See what happens.

Oh, and prepare for a divorce, as it is likely coming.

With the way he has been acting, losing him will be a good thing.
Not, in the short run, rather in the long game.

Sorry, that you have found yourself in this bad predicament.


THRD-


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

minimalME said:


> If it were me, I'd take the focus off your husband, and start focusing on you. Just as a starting point. It'll improve your confidence, and in turn, help you deal with your husband from a place of strength.
> 
> What can you do to improve yourself - for you? How can you be stronger mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically?
> 
> ...


I don't disagree with you @minimalME but I don't really understand why you are giving this advice? 

Are you saying that she does not have enough self confidence to leave this guy whether or not he is cheating? 

Just trying to understand...

OP, odds are that he is cheating with this woman, in the mornings after work for sure, and probably sometime during work when they can steal a moment. And this is probably why he does not want to find a better job, because his side piece is at work.

The question is how are you going to prove it. Can you get a look at his phone? Can you afford to have him followed by a PI, I will bet that it will not take long to get proof, they are probably banging every day when he drops her off. 

What do you want to do?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm encouraging her to focus on what she has control over, which is a lot.

I have no clue how much self-confidence she has or doesn't have, but she came here instead of dealing with it herself, so she's at least feeling a little lost.

Way too often on this site, the first thing people jump in and say is, 'Divorce this person!' Or 'start tapping the phone and put a var in the car.' And all of that is advice I find bizarre (irresponsible is a better word) - and disagree with in most cases.

I have no idea whether or not her husband is cheating, but regardless of what he's doing, regardless of whether she stays or ends up leaving him, regardless of her age or her income or any other situational factors, what I wrote applies and is beneficial _for her_.



BluesPower said:


> I don't disagree with you @minimalME but I don't really understand why you are giving this advice?
> 
> Are you saying that she does not have enough self confidence to leave this guy whether or not he is cheating?
> 
> Just trying to understand...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

minimalME said:


> I'm encouraging her to focus on what she has control over, which is a lot.
> 
> I have no clue how much self-confidence she has or doesn't have, but she came here instead of dealing with it herself, so she's at least feeling a little lost.
> 
> ...


Yes we do go there, but when you look at it, we are usually right. 

Her husband is cheating. That is really obvious. So the question becomes what is she going to do about it? 

The problem with your dislike of the place these thread go is kind of strange. You have been around a while, you have to have seen how many times we are right. 

What else should we say. The longer she waits to make a decision, or to do the work to find out, the longer her health is at risk and the worse she will feel when the full truth comes out? 

So you seem to be telling her if she were a better wife, more attractive then her husband would like her more even though he sounds like of abusive and he is most assuredly cheating. We call this doing the pick me dance which is degrading and humiliating. 

So what is your solution????


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I wrote what I was comfortable writing, and you trying to understand me is derailing this thread.

If you'd like to start a new thread, feel free.



BluesPower said:


> Yes we do go there, but when you look at it, we are usually right.
> 
> Her husband is cheating. That is really obvious. So the question becomes what is she going to do about it?
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Yes we do go there, but when you look at it, we are usually right.
> 
> Her husband is cheating. That is really obvious. So the question becomes what is she going to do about it?
> 
> ...


Nobody needs to provide a solution that is to your liking. So please no more threadjacking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

One Eighty said:


> Minimal - if you have been here since 2012, I find it hard to believe that you have any doubt that your husband is cheating. I've never seen someone with a story like yours that ended up other than with the poster finding proof their partner was cheating. Yours wants a divorce quick so he can get away before you find proof of his cheating. He doesn't want to have sex with you out of a misguided loyalty to his new lover.
> 
> Even if you never get hard proof of his cheating, your gut knows. Plus you do have hard proof he doesn't love you or respect you. Is this a relationship that you want to continue? Is it good enough for you?
> 
> I'm sorry for you that you have to go through this though. It sucks, I know.


I think you have mixed MinimalME up with the OP?


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## Butterfly1227 (Apr 15, 2020)

I want to thank you all for your responses. I have read them all and took some time to reflect. No, moods don’t change with third shift but his certainly had. inalso think this pandemic isn’t helping. I am gonna focus on getting my head straight, focus on my kids, and on me. I have monitored him on the map app and he isn’t in one place long enough to be hooking up after work. Being in a warehouse and in charge of 2 of the 4 floors, he can’t sneak off and his breaks are monitored. He barely has time to eat. Could he be hiding something, yes, but I think after reading some responses that I need to stop over thinking. I have checked his phone when he has taken his showers and I have not found anything to show proof of an affair.
thank you all for your help.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Are you saying when he drives her home from work it's a quick drop off and then he comes right home?

I mean if that's the case, and you can prove that, then yeah, maybe not AS much to worry about. I got the impression he was hanging out over there. 

But you still have things to address in your marriage, even absent an affair. Sounds like he talks to you like you are garbage.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why did you just dismiss everyone who pointed out that he definitely looks like he’s cheating?

You placed this in the infidelity section so you must realize this looks more than fishy on his part.

there is certainly evidence to show it’s very likely.
And a cheater usually doesn’t have the evidence that you’ll easily find.

it’s his attitude towards you that shows that he’s likely cheating.

he doesn’t consider your feelings about any of these issues and he totally disrespects you! Why would you even want to stay with any man that’s treating you terribly?

abd he doesn’t want sex with you because he’s getting sex from her - so his loyalty is to her.

You’ve been sidelined! Start saying something! She’s got your man and if he doesn’t intend to change everything and OFFER you peace of mind - divorce him! He’s not nice to you anyway so it wouldn’t be any great loss.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> Why did you just dismiss everyone who pointed out that he definitely looks like he’s cheating?


Some people are too afraid to hear the truth, is all.


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