# Married for the wrong reasons



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Anyone else marry young (early 20's) get to your mid thirty's and realize you may have married for the totally wrong reasons?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think this is many people who marry before 25/26. Priorities change around 26 (at least for most people) and before then, you're still learning about yourself ..I can't understand why people would want to bring another human into the mix.

I skipped the mandatory 1st marriage in your 20s  (at least here in CA).

Do you think you married for the wrong reasons? What might those reasons be?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I'm pretty sure I married the first girl that would sleep with me. That pretty much sums it up. I've read the nice guy description and it fits me to a tee. Now that I'm starting to realize it I'm freaking out that I've spent so much time with someone that I was never really "in love" with. She's more like a best friend now. A best friend I had three kids with. I had self-esteem issues growing up and never dated or even got laid until a one night stand in college when I was twenty that was extremely awkward. Wife was my second partner ever and has been for 13 years. So I didn't marry the very first person but you get the idea.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ah. Makes sense. But, could you be in love with her but not really know it? Maybe you're just thinking you missed something more. I promise you, if she's a good woman, there is nothing "more" out there. There's "different" and "strange" and "drunken" but not "more".

Go woo your wife. Date her  Make it new. Nothing more you can really do...and if you did, I am 99% sure you'd regret it.

Go grab her up and kiss her.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I can appreciate your remarks. But just being a "good woman" doesn't qualify someone for a long term relationship. There is always more going on than I can describe in a forum. But I'll say that there are situations I find myself in that a normal loving husband would act differently in. For example, I never think about her when I'm away from home. I can sit at my desk all day and she'll never cross my mind. Anytime I'm at home by myself (with or without kids) I never go "oh honey, i'm so glad your home". When I hear her pulling up I make myself busy because I'm worried she might think I was being lazy or something. Everything I do to make her feel special just seems so forced. She accuses me of having empathy disorders and stuff but maybe it's just a sign that we aren't right for each other.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

ugh, so many thoughts in my head. I'm the classic nice guy so I worry more about what her life would be like on her own than I do my own. She only works part time and, if she got the house, wouldn't even pay the mortgage. I'm the breadwinner so to speak income wise with better options but if she got the kids even child support wouldn't cover the house, 3 kids and the utilities. i'm just so frustrated... plus she has no idea I'm unhappy that I know of so the whole thing would be totally blindsiding her. We've had arguments where she has threatened divorce but it's always said in anger but she has always said in those instances that we wouldn't fight over custody nor would she try to use kids as pawns. She's smart that way and I believe her. I just don't know......


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> I can appreciate your remarks. But just being a "good woman" doesn't qualify someone for a long term relationship. There is always more going on than I can describe in a forum. But I'll say that there are situations I find myself in that a normal loving husband would act differently in. For example, I never think about her when I'm away from home. I can sit at my desk all day and she'll never cross my mind. Anytime I'm at home by myself (with or without kids) I never go "oh honey, i'm so glad your home". When I hear her pulling up I make myself busy because I'm worried she might think I was being lazy or something. Everything I do to make her feel special just seems so forced. She accuses me of having empathy disorders and stuff but maybe it's just a sign that we aren't right for each other.


You make it sound like she's your mother, not your lover.

It can be fixed, just gotta figure out how.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Oh, I could sit here and not do anything and she'd never know and everyone would think the marriage is perfect. But you can't change who somebody is fundamentally. It's not like she was abused, goes to counseling, starts acting normal and some behavior trait is fixed and I'm fine. It's who she is and always will be that I don't like to be with anymore. When we started I just overlooked so many character traits because I was getting laid constantly I didn't care. But now sex isn't the issue and the reality that we are total opposites on everything except how to care for the kids is hitting me hard. People say loving someone forever is about loving the little things. Well her little things are like rubbing yourself with a feather a thousand times in the same spot. It doesn't hurt at first but sooner or later you flinch and grimace everytime it comes up because it's raw and painful.

And your right, she's nothing like a lover. That stopped as soon as she got pregnant with the first child.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> I'm pretty sure I married the first girl that would sleep with me. That pretty much sums it up. I've read the nice guy description and it fits me to a tee. Now that I'm starting to realize it I'm freaking out that I've spent so much time with someone that I was never really "in love" with. She's more like a best friend now. A best friend I had three kids with. I had self-esteem issues growing up and never dated or even got laid until a one night stand in college when I was twenty that was extremely awkward. Wife was my second partner ever and has been for 13 years. So I didn't marry the very first person but you get the idea.


I can relate to this. I didn't end up with my mother, but another child to take care of. My stbxw was the first woman I slept with (at about 23), as an FYI.

C


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Otter:

It sounds like her faults are starting to grate on your nerves. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters by Willard Harley? This may help you look differently at your relationship. Do you two spend time together doing things you both enjoy?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

PBear said:


> I can relate to this. I didn't end up with my mother, but another child to take care of. My stbxw was the first woman I slept with (at about 23), as an FYI.
> 
> C


Exactly! It's like I've got 4 kids to take care of. Only one of them knows how to do laundry, drive and "just enough" of everything else to keep me from blowing my lid. Everything is about what I do for her. Christmas for example has to be a well thought out in advance, from the heart kind of gift or it is met with a frown. I on the other hand get socks, underwear and one of those cheese and sausage shrink wrapped sets that was all bought on christmas eve five minutes before it closed. lol


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lovesherman said:


> Otter:
> 
> It sounds like her faults are starting to grate on your nerves. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters by Willard Harley? This may help you look differently at your relationship. Do you two spend time together doing things you both enjoy?


We don't enjoy any of the same things. Her favorite music is Madonna, I'm black crowes. She's never seen the inside of an art museum because it's boring to use your imagination. I'm sci-fi, she's drama. She can spend an entire day on the recliner in her pajamas eating nothing but cereal and playing on facebook with her laptop while the kids destroy the house and I can't stand any day without fresh air. 

Anywhere we go together when we do find time is just silence. I'll ask the questions like "How's work, anything exciting happen?"....."eh, it was ok." The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

My husband and I are very different, too. He is an engineer and I am an English major. However, I gladly listen to his explanations of natural phenomena, and he comes to art museums with me.

We enrich each other by being interested in different worlds. It seems like you are so focused on her faults that you cannot see her virtues. She may sense this, and has become disconnected from you. How is your sex life? That is how we stay connected.

Can you encourage her positive qualities? Is there any interest that you two share? Try to meet each other's needs before you give up on the marriage. When you have tried everything you can, then consider divorce. Sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side, but you have to decide this for yourself.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lovesherman said:


> How is your sex life? That is how we stay connected.


Sex is when she gets horny enough for it. We haven't done it in over a week now. Last night she kissed me in the hallway and gave me the look as I was coming out the boys bedroom from laying them down. Our daughter was still awake so we just went to watch tv for about an hour until she passed out. By the time we got to bed she was being playful and rubbing my body because she said I felt cold. I told her I was liking it and everything and she even rubbed on me through my underwear a bit but about the time I got an erection she yawned and said she was turning over so I could spoon her and she was just wanting to cuddle a bit. I was like "well thanks for getting me all warmed up and then cutting me off". I still spooned her but she started snoring regardless of how hard I pressed my erection against her backside. And as far as sex goes there is maybe once or twice a year that I get something when she doesn't meaning if we have sex she gets oral first to get that out of the way before we move on to anything else. Otherwise she says she just can't get into it.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You said earlier that she has no idea that you are unhappy. Tell her exactly how you want things to change. You have disconnected from the marriage, and you must decide if it is worth saving. I would try to do things together, like date nights, that you both enjoy to revive the spark in the relationship.

Once you have tried everything you can, then file for divorce knowing that the relationship is irretrievably broken. I would, however, give her a chance at fixing things. She is probably unhappy, too, and doesn't know how to change the dynamic you two have created.


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