# Past sexual encounters resurfacing??! HELP



## Hush

Hi,
I've been married for only a few short months, but we've been together for several years. We are both very open minded sexually and are looking to expand our sexuality not only with each other, but as individuals, which I am comfortable with.

However...

My husband is definetely an 'alpha male' and is easily upset when my past comes up in conversation. I have slept with more men than he has with women and have been honest about the frequency and the number.

But details, names, events,- I have left out of our conversations for fear of his disappointment. We are brutally honest with each other- and he's told me details of what he's done no matter if it hurt or didn't.

But I find myself torn between disclosing certain things, and just forgetting about them. As much as I try to push it down and tell myself, he really doesn't need to know, I'm eaten alive by it at times.

There is absolutely nothing I've done I feel is detrimental to our relationship- it stretches all the way back to highschool boyfriends and so on. But I just don't know if leaving things out is the right answer.

Any opinions?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Don't. I made the mistake of telling my stbxh about a guy I dated when I was 19 and in technical school, well not date we were fast friends joined at the heart and hip and adored each other and 'fed' each other well in excellence of studies and the other duties we had such as fitness, leadership, responsibility...and yes there was sex too. Well, I am mixed light skinned and this guy was black (Grenada) and once during sex my stbxh asked me if I was thinking of Gordon. Then he would allude to him all the time. There is nothing like telling a tall alpha white guy that your closest relationship ever in your youth (amongst the more than him I'd slept with) was an even taller black guy with faith and a soft voice and not even needing to assert his alpha-ness, it is just obvious that his power was not limited to stature or strength or ummmm, competence otherwise. The week or so before we got married I had a dream about Gordon at my wedding in a suit and tie giving me the look of truth, the last thing he said to me was to Keep the Faith. I listened but a bit late still one of the things my stbxh did was to bring up Gordon once too often and unfortunately that look of truth I got in my dream and the admonition did help for me to have the strength to walk away from a bad relationship. Just saying, if you share, it might kind of bite you in the beginning, but it could have unintended negative consequences if used against you. You cannot mess with a relationship that was established in faith and ended in faith (we were military and parted ways after a bit, and it was okay). But honestly, I do not think people need to go into all past relationships. I had shared this one because it was significant and it was early in our relationship when he asked and I wanted to say, yes I have had a very close relationship with someone and it mattered and it was an excellent relationship and we are still linked emotionally if not logistically or physically, i.e. this person is as much of a part of me from being in my history as say my grandmother or my children. Well, I can see that did not go over well. Even though i have no clue where this guy is, I think it drove my stbxh crazy to the point of bringing up the guy frequently during sex. even 30 years later!!!! Of course, he was cheating at least EA if not more with someone he'd been involved with about 20 years so I guess he figured if he was lying then I must be too. Go with your gut. If a relationship was important to you and your H asks, you will find out what kind of guy your H is, if you don't want to know if he's going to be jealous then it's bad news, if he just takes it and processes it then well, you know that and he's a great guy and gets it, past history is past history but it sticks with you a certain way. Maybe it is a certain behavior or location that triggers him, maybe when he does something with you he did with someone else, and thinks of her, he is wondering if you think of past guys when you do something a little different or whatever with him. In that case maybe it's too bad he can't just be in the moment with what he is doing at the time, and it is not a jealousy thing or a thing with your past, but a thing with his present thinking mechanism or self-esteem or who knows what.


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## magnoliagal

I'm of the belief that beyond the actual number of people you've slept with no further details need to be shared. Thankfully that was all my husband wanted to know and me him. We are both jealous types so we knew knowing details would haunt us.


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## Hush

Thank you so much for your input. I do agree that details can wreck the overal image of our relationship I suppose I will have to learn to deal with and accept that mistakes have been made... But if it's in the past, it will stay exactly that.

Thanks gals!


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## tacoma

Hush said:


> My husband is definetely an 'alpha male' and is easily upset when my past comes up in conversation. I have slept with more men than he has with women and have been honest about the frequency and the number.


Being insecure about his woman's past sex life is most definitely NOT alpha male behavior.


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## ren

I think it's best not to talk about these things, and that guys should know better than to ask. But I also think honesty is the best policy. My ex-wife and my current partner had both been with far more people than me, and have done things that made me uncomfortable when I was told. After awhile I learned to accept the disturbing things in the past as part of the history which produced the present and that's that. 
I think the most important thing is to be sensitive when telling him about these things, you can still be honest without going into the gruesome details.


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## RandomDude

I have some advice which I wrote for someone else in the exact same position, which may also help you: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...s-my-husband-getting-worse-please-help-4.html


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## Aontroim

I think it very much depends on the person, some guys are ok with this (my wife told me and i was totally fine) however i also know guys that won't even let their partners mention their ex's. I am a confident guy and understand that my wife had a life before me, in fact i'm glad she has experienced the good bad and the ugly before me. I can honestly say it has not had one adverse effect on our relationship so far. I actually have a friendship with one of my ex's who has since got married and is an attorney. When i needed legal help so my wife could adopt my son my ex helped me immensely, my wife knew we still had a friendship however i made sure that we never met alone and everything was kept up and above board. If she had a good frienship with an ex i wouldn't be against the odd email to each other to say hello, if someone is going to be unfaithful most attempts to prevent it are futile.


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## Gorky75

Hush said:


> Hi,
> I've been married for only a few short months, but we've been together for several years. We are both very open minded sexually and are looking to expand our sexuality not only with each other, but as individuals, which I am comfortable with.
> 
> However...
> 
> My husband is definetely an 'alpha male' and is easily upset when my past comes up in conversation. I have slept with more men than he has with women and have been honest about the frequency and the number.
> 
> But details, names, events,- I have left out of our conversations for fear of his disappointment. We are brutally honest with each other- and he's told me details of what he's done no matter if it hurt or didn't.
> 
> But I find myself torn between disclosing certain things, and just forgetting about them. As much as I try to push it down and tell myself, he really doesn't need to know, I'm eaten alive by it at times.
> 
> There is absolutely nothing I've done I feel is detrimental to our relationship- it stretches all the way back to highschool boyfriends and so on. But I just don't know if leaving things out is the right answer.
> 
> Any opinions?


I think forgetting the parts that are likely to be the most hurtful is your best policy. I do not normally advocate this but I have been on the other end and I do think it is best.


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## Jellybeans

I don't understand why you'd go into massive detail about your previous sex life with your husband. Why even bring it up?


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## 40isthenew20

If I may, I'd like to interject and give you the opinion of a very jealous and I suppose alpha male. If my wife ever brought up past sexual encounters or partners, it would drive me insane and piss me off to no end. 

Am I being immature with that attitude? Perhaps, but I will never change or waver. 

Nothing can be gained from telling your H how Johnny or Sal pounded you in the back seat of his 1985 Monte Carlo. So leave it alone. 

Bring up times that your H banged you good instead.


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## southern wife

Leave the past.......in the past. What good does it do to bring up any of it?

I've been with my hubs for 11 years, married 7.5, and he has never questioned my sexual past....and I've never questioned his. We just both knew that neither of us were virgins when we met (at the age of 31). 

I'd say.....leave it all alone. It was a long time ago and has nothing to do with your relationship now. Just my .02.


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## Dad&Hubby

Aontroim said:


> I think it very much depends on the person, some guys are ok with this (my wife told me and i was totally fine) however i also know guys that won't even let their partners mention their ex's. I am a confident guy and understand that my wife had a life before me, in fact i'm glad she has experienced the good bad and the ugly before me. I can honestly say it has not had one adverse effect on our relationship so far. I actually have a friendship with one of my ex's who has since got married and is an attorney. When i needed legal help so my wife could adopt my son my ex helped me immensely, my wife knew we still had a friendship however i made sure that we never met alone and everything was kept up and above board. If she had a good frienship with an ex i wouldn't be against the odd email to each other to say hello, if someone is going to be unfaithful most attempts to prevent it are futile.


I agree with a lot of this. The current friends part is harder based on how things are handled but aside from that, I totally agree.

My wife and I have shared everything about our pasts. I'm totally comfortable with her "stories" because it gives me information of what she has liked and didn't like. I'm not threatened by previous ex's because my wife CHOSE ME! Also it helps that I'm the only man that could make her orgasm :smthumbup: but that's a whole different animal LOL. It's hard not to be confident when that's the case. I know I'm not the "biggest" my wife has ever had and I'm far from the "smallest". But I know I "fit" with her and she loves me for me. Guys are the ones who do the most comparing (and girls at the very beginning of relationships if they're not serious LOL) but if a woman gives a man her heart, the sex is secondary. I'd have a harder time dealing with my wife saying "he loved me better than you" than "he bonked me better than you".


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## Goldmember357

"alpha male" does not exist. But whatever i do not wish to explain why

I actually should not comment on this thread id just bring negativity. Forgive me


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## Goldmember357

If you cannot be honest and you cannot accept a persons past move on. A persons past is a huge reflection of them in present day. Its wishful thinking to think your past actions are not at all Representative of yourself! Actions speak louder than words. Try and go for people who use their brains and make good decisions than you wont have to be let down by those who are irrational especially irrational in the face of evidence.


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## mel123

If a gf/bf asks, they deserve the TRUTH. If they don't care and don't ask then let them keep their mouth shut.....

Everyone you have sex with, you have a subconscious psychological attachment to them. More so for a female than a male.

I am no expert however I have read what some of them say.Oxytocin and dopamine are released naturally during sex in the human brain a biological fact and they are bonding and love chemicals


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## couple

40isthenew20 said:


> Nothing can be gained from telling your H how Johnny or Sal pounded you in the back seat of his 1985 Monte Carlo.


I disagree...a lot can be gained with the right attitude. My wife knows that she'll get pounded extra good as soon as she brings up Johnny or Sal (or Fred, Tommy, Jack, etc, etc, etc), pounding her in the back of their cars (or trucks, or boats, or motorcycles, etc, etc, etc).

some guys deflate and fall apart as men when they get jealous, others rise to the occasion and take charge of matters.

I don't see why so many people can't talk about the past. A person is part genetic and part made up of their experiences and sexuality is a very important aspect to a person. Not knowing a partner's sexual past is like not knowing what education they've had or what their family life was like. How can you be truly intimate with a person if this very important aspect to their lives is a mystery? When I got together with my wife and learned about all aspects of her past, I loved her for who she is, including the sexual choices that she made. Like all parts of her life, her previous sexuality had good and bad parts and parts that are too complex to boil down to good or bad.

I understand that not everyone can openly share their sexuality for whatever reasons but I believe that the path to true intimacy includes these kind of deep discussions.


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## leonleon

tacoma said:


> Being insecure about his woman's past sex life is most definitely NOT alpha male behavior.


In fact an alpha male usually had 10 time more girls than his wife, so of course he is not insecure about it.
it is not because he is an alpha male that he is not insecure, it is that for him his wife is just the last name on a very long list.


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## leonleon

mel123 said:


> If a gf/bf asks, they deserve the TRUTH. If they don't care and don't ask then let them keep their mouth shut.....
> 
> Everyone you have sex with, you have a subconscious psychological attachment to them. More so for a female than a male.
> 
> I am no expert however I have read what some of them say.Oxytocin and dopamine are released naturally during sex in the human brain a biological fact and they are bonding and love chemicals


lie= breach of trust= willingness to appear different from what you are really, and if you want look different, it is because you believe that the other would behave differently if he know the truth.
Lie = manipulation= egaism, it is not love, which expect trust


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## tonyarz

It really doesn't matter to me if my wife slept with the whole city before we got together. My wife has slept with a lot of men! But she always tells me the truth if I ask. I don't see how a guy could get upset over something that happened before a relationship happened?


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## warlock07

Things not to discuss in a relationship: Your past sex life in detail. Nothing good can come out of it. Give him he gist of it if he insists but nothing too graphic or detailed.


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## Cosmos

Divulging numbers is one thing, but I don't see what benefit can be derived from going into details. We can't undo our pasts (even if we wanted to), but we do have control over the present and our future. If someone can't accept our past, they have no place in our present or future, IMO.


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## CandieGirl

What kind of details does he want? Aside from my more serious relationships in life, and very general details, my husband doesn't know what I did with who; but then, for us it isn't a problem because I don't socialize with any of the men I've dated/slept with. And I certainly don't discuss "the time I was with Jimmy in the *********...". That's just crass. I agree with the others; nothing good can come out of 'I did ABC with so and so', 'I did XYZ with such and such'.


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## leonleon

tonyarz said:


> It really doesn't matter to me if my wife slept with the whole city before we got together. My wife has slept with a lot of men! But she always tells me the truth if I ask. I don't see how a guy could get upset over something that happened before a relationship happened?


some question
your wife has sex with someone else, are you upset?
your wife has emotionnal realtion, but no kiss, no sex, ae you upset?
you wife had the night before you met her sex with someone else, are you upset?
your wife had sex with someone else, while you were seducing her, but still not yet had sex, are you upset?

All those question do define where are boundaries, answer to all please.


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## wiigirl

mel123 said:


> If a gf/bf asks, they deserve the TRUTH. If they don't care and don't ask then let them keep their mouth shut.....
> 
> Everyone you have sex with, you have a subconscious psychological attachment to them. More so for a female than a male.
> 
> I am no expert however I have read what some of them say.Oxytocin and dopamine are released naturally during sex in the human brain a biological fact and they are bonding and love chemicals


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## leonleon

the problem is that your husband should get abc and xyz too, and even more, otherwise, rhere were winners, the ex s , and a loser, the husband, who commit his life to his wife/family, and in regard get less than the exs who just care to have sex with the girls, the most pleasant part of the deal!


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