# Why do I think about my wife's past when she doesn't want to have sex?



## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

We've known each other for almost 10 years and married for 5. Over the years her sex drive has gone away while I'm still the same old freak. Lately every time she says NO I start getting bad thoughts of her with her ex partners. Like, why she can't have sex with me but she enjoyed it with others before me? I just can't stand it. Obviously, she doesn't know I get these thoughts. Last night my thoughts were so bad that I couldn't stand being next to her and I slept in our second room. I love her but I also want to have a wife that likes to have sex....


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Mate, you're thinking worst case here. Just because she is not putting out does not make the other guys that she has been with better than you! Don't let your mind run with crazy ideas, that's what I do, and I always feel like a [email protected] when I realize how wrong I was later.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

She likes sex with other men but not you. You know love and emotions are important to some women in regards to sex, right? Are you SURE she loves you? I mean, like a lover, not a brother. It's just that you sound like me before I realized my wife was a walk-away


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## Troubled602 (Oct 25, 2014)

You've been married for 5 years. So, she hasn't been with anyone else in a very long time. It isn't like she wanted to be with someone else last week, but told you no yesterday. So much could have changed in the time you've been together. This is especially true for women and their hormone levels. You didn't mention either of your ages, but this could very much be a physical problem for her. Maybe her hormone levels are off. Has she started any new medications that could be killing her sex drive? Is her work life especially stressful right now? Any factors with her family or friends that could be stressing her out right now? All those things could be impacting her and her current sex drive.

Also, how often is she saying no vs having sex? If you're having sex 4 times a week and you're pushing for 6, maybe you need to reevaluate what is reasonable. If you're asking once a week and she says no 50% of the time, then maybe she has an issue.

No matter what the background situation is, you need to talk to her. I wouldn't tell her your thoughts about her previous partners, but you should tell her that you feel insecure when she turns you down.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Becuase what sex means to you and what sex means to her are two different things.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Did you ever go back to therapy about this issue?
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/100585-what-my-problem.html#post3243449

I think sometimes people look to blame anything outside themselves when they have an issue. So instead of looking at yourself as a possible issue, you mind goes to her and her past partners. 

But make sure your OCD is being looked after.


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## 305rob305 (Jun 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Why do I think about my wife's past when she doesn't want to have sex?*



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Did you ever go back to therapy about this issue?
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/100585-what-my-problem.html#post3243449
> 
> I think sometimes people look to blame anything outside themselves when they have an issue. So instead of looking at yourself as a possible issue, you mind goes to her and her past partners.
> ...


You're right. I do have some sort of OCD. 

My wife told when we started dating that she slept once with another girl. It was a one time thing and she felt bad about it after. Well today she told me that our family was invited to a birthday party for a x-coworker of hers, her daughter. We went and for some reason I felt that this x-coworker of hers was the one she had that one time encounter. 

I asked her and I was right. She did not deny it. She told it was true that this was the girl she slept with like 13 years ago and that this friend of hers had requested her as a friend in Facebook. She told me that it was a one time thing and that she doesn't even see her that way anymore. I felt so awkward at the party. When we got home she told me that she apologizes for not telling me before we got there who she was. She told that it was wrong on her part and that she can unfriendly her immediately and tell her not to contact her any longer. She says our family is her priority. I asked her how long ago this lady had found her in Facebook and she told me about 6 weeks ago. When she asked me what she wants her to do I told her that she knows what to do. 

I have OCD and I battled with it which I've been doing better lately but now with this coming out I told her that a whole can of worms has been opened. Now I need to work on trust issues...


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

As I was so forcibly reminded on another thread: if she thought they were so great and special, they would be HUSBANDS and not EXES.

Obviously they failed the test that you have (so far) passed. Good on you. 

Look to your own behavior at what is happening with sex. Have some honest discussions.

However, if you shout, if you tell her she is stupid to feel some way, if you make it dangerous for her to share her opinions, then you aren't going to get anywhere. Listen carefully. In fact, while she is talking, just put a piece of duct tape over your mouth.

Make some notes, think about what she said, ask questions LATER on WHY she feels X, Y and Z. Think about all the ways she is correct FIRST. Try to twist your mind into how she could think that way.

Only then state how things are not quite like that. How she is misreading you and the situation. Give your side.

The exes? Unless you catch her masturbating and screaming out some former boyfriends' name, I am guessing the other guys are not the problem. The problem is here and now.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

JCD said:


> As I was so forcibly reminded on another thread: if she thought they were so great and special, they would be HUSBANDS and not EXES.
> 
> Obviously they failed the test that you have (so far) passed. Good on you.
> 
> ...


LOL, my wife married ME, yet pined after her badboy drug dealing bf's our whole marrriage. I didn't pass any "test' I was merely the only sucker she could find that was sappy enough to see her as awesome. And by God did she treat me like crap for loving her unconditionally.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

so many possibilities here. you need to snoop a little.

she is lesbian and strung you along, now no longer is turned on by heterosexual play

she cut you off from sex when she stated ****ing some other guy, and she is now faithful to him

she is LD and is not interested in sex at all (a little less likely since she was in a lesbian relationship...usually you do NOT do that unless you are way into kinky sex!)

she is just a ball buster, likes sex, but prefers to bust your balls instead...it gives her some sort of dominatrix-like thrill.

She is masturbating all the time to porn/sex sites...but prefers that to sex with you.

I would check internet history, texts (especially on phone) var her car, her office at home, whatever. Do NOT confront her on anything until you have finished your snooping.

IF nothing odd is found to be going on....marriage counseling is a good first step. 

No sex = No marriage. If it is truly dead, might as well move on asap. If there are still some glowing embers...you might be able to re-ignite the fire.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

intheory said:


> Never love anyone unconditionally.
> 
> I don't know where this crazy idea of "unconditional love" got started. But I think we should all make an effort to get rid of it.


Ditto unconditional _trust_.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stop over thinking it. It causes you to focus on worthless crap and also ignore the elephant in the room.

Sit your wife down and express to her EXACTLY how important intimacy is to a healthy marriage. Tell her how sex = ultimate expression of love to you etc.

if she is not making sure you are satisfied with sex, she is simply being a neglegant wife. WITH ACTIONS she is telling you that she doesn't love you or care for you.

As we all know actions speak louder than words......

If she doesn't change, I suggest you start divorce proceedings. A women this day and age that doesn't go up and beyond to satisfy her husband is no different than a woman that cheats. Many here would tell you both are as bad.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

DoF said:


> Stop over thinking it. It causes you to focus on worthless crap and also ignore the elephant in the room.
> 
> Sit your wife down and express to her EXACTLY how important intimacy is to a healthy marriage. Tell her how sex = ultimate expression of love to you etc.
> 
> ...



Well, that is one way to start a conversation.

She will have one of two reactions

1) she will start out her OWN litany of complaints and list of negligence 

or 

2) she will divorce him since he is already upset enough to not have sex with him

Do not assume right off the bat that they other person is crazy or evil. They MAY be, but don't start there.

Find the problem. Fix the problem. Maybe the fix is 'divorcing her selfish butt'. But maybe there is something a bit less drastic they can try...


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Agreed. There is a ton of crap that can effect a woman's sex drive. From stress at her job, to the housework, to the kids, you name it. Most women work their hurts off all day long. They drag their half conscious body to bed only to have their husband ask them for sex. under those conditions, bonus going to be the answer most days. If that is your wife try taking some of her load off her shoulders so she actually gets into bed at a decent time and has some energy for sex left in her. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nanofaan (Aug 1, 2014)

we do it once a month if that makes you feel better


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Because you IMAGINE she was always ready, willing, and enthusiastic with her ex(es)? 

Maybe that's true and maybe not.


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> LOL, my wife married ME, yet pined after her badboy drug dealing bf's our whole marrriage. I didn't pass any "test' I was merely the only sucker she could find that was sappy enough to see her as awesome. And by God did she treat me like crap for loving her unconditionally.


I have had the same feelings about my ex gf, so i know what you're talking about. she wasn't crazy about anyone else but like in your case i was feeling that if i married her i'd be the guy who is biting the bullet and got stuck with a real piece of work!

Still there are better women and luckier men out there.


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