# Dad died a month ago, problems with hubby



## jennablu

Hey guys, I lurk here often but seldom post. 

My dad died about a month ago. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer which we knew would take his life, and died within 8 months. I was there for him and my mom every-step of the way (dr. apts., etc.) but never really let myself deal with everything. 

I'm pretty young still (33) and until this point my dad had no health issues. 

I feel like I am just spinning right now and it is really effecting my relationship with hubby. 

I have been so mad at him lately - and I don't know if it is fair or not. He just is not an emotional person at all and he works ALL THE TIME. I just really need him right now, and although he says he understands - I don't feel like he is trying to be there for me. The loneliness is absolutely killing me! He doesn't get home untill 8ish every-night, then by the time I get our daughter to sleep he is either already snoring away - or will literately fall asleep while I'm talking to him. He gets mad at me when I call him at work upset because he is busy, I have told him that I just need some extra attention right now (and I try not to be naggy) but he still doesn't get it. 

I know I have to deal with my grief - but I don't' think I am expecting too much! 

I just don't know what to do anymore - I'm trying not to get angry but I can't help but feel let down by him. 

Am I being over-needy?? Am I asking to much?

I work from home and am home with our daughter a lot.


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## Blanca

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost mine to an illness when I was 16. I can relate to what you are going through. Other people just don't understand the depth of pain until they experience it. I very rarely talk to my H about it because he can't relate. It's like that parable about throwing your pearls before swine; swine have no idea how valuable pearls are so they'll do with them what nature dictates. You can't really blame them for being what they are. Fortunately for them life has left them ignorant. 

If you need him to be there for you then be very clear that you need to talk to him about something serious, or just need physical comfort, and then _*ask*_ him if he can respond in a way that brings you comfort. It's important to ask, and not demand, as it will keep you respecting his boundaries and keep him from resenting you. Remember, he's just swine and has no real clue what to do with your pearls. He probably has something he can offer you, though. Be open to what he can give you, even if it's just a hug, and also search else where for what other's can give you. No one person will be able to help you heal. Try to find other outlets- friends, church people, other family, volunteer groups, journaling, forums (that is mine) etc. You have to have some where else to go.

I have found, and learned to appreciate, that my H brings me laughter. He also loves to cuddle and so is a good place for physical comfort. It's a small comfort compared to the pain but it helps, and learning to appreciate what he can do helps me heal. If I need these things I can go to him. If I need something else I need to find it some place else. Sometimes you just have to be alone in your struggle. That's the hardest part.


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## jennablu

Thanks Blanca,

I can't imagine dealing with this at 16! Please tell me it gets easier! 

It is just so hard - I have never felt this alone. It is hard because I'm surprised by all the emotions I feel. It isn't just sadness. It is being in a room full of people but feeling SO alone. The ANGER (i'm not even sure why) is so intense. It is like I am mad at EVERYONE! I feel like no one understands (although I know that isn't true of course). 

I guess I just don't know what I need. It is like I am waiting for something to make me feel better - but nothing does. 

Anyway - thanks for listening and replying!


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## sisters359

Are you in any type of grief counseling? That might really help. 

It will be all too easy to focus your anger and pain on your H--because he's being pretty selfish and absent. I agree you can and should find other ways to help deal with your pain, but if he makes little or no attempt to comfort you, the risk is really high. 

Get as much help as you need and if the H does not do his part, you can decide later how you feel about that.


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## Blanca

jennablu said:


> Thanks Blanca,
> 
> I can't imagine dealing with this at 16! Please tell me it gets easier!
> 
> It is just so hard - I have never felt this alone. It is hard because I'm surprised by all the emotions I feel. It isn't just sadness. It is being in a room full of people but feeling SO alone. The ANGER (i'm not even sure why) is so intense. It is like I am mad at EVERYONE! I feel like no one understands (although I know that isn't true of course).
> 
> I guess I just don't know what I need. It is like I am waiting for something to make me feel better - but nothing does.
> 
> Anyway - thanks for listening and replying!


It has gotten easier for me. I understand the alone feeling very well! Being around my H was the first time I didn't feel alone; I had all these crazy, strong emotions and had no idea what to do with them. Then he withdrew from me and the alone feeling came back 100-fold. And OMG did I have a temper! It was a rage that I ended up taking some medication for because I couldn't control it. Once the rage stopped (five years later) I hit a depth of sadness that I've never known. Sometimes I think I understand what the bible is saying when it talks about hell being a fire that never relinquishes. The body can be burned and eventually you die and the pain stops. Your soul is a different story - it never dies. These experiences set your soul on fire. 

The alone feeling has gotten much better for me. But, and I don't know if this is true for any one else, there's always a sadness that for me hasn't gone away. I have my bad days but it has gotten much better. You could read some about the grieving process to help you understand what stage you are in and where you're headed. 

No one understands. That is true. It's a very personal journey.


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## MattMatt

This is horrible for you. I have been there.

This story might help you... It certainly helped me!

My dad died. He had an enlarged heart and eventually it just gave out on him, after he had a stroke.

Incidentally a colleague helped me. Entirely by accident. She is a lovely girl but incredibly dim.

A conversation over several days when like this:

"Good morning, Matt. How is you dad?"

"Thanks for asking. It's not looking good. The hospital tell us he only has a couple of days left, at the most."

Next day:

"How is your dad, Matt?"

"Sadly, he died yesterday."

"Oh! I am really sorry about that."

The day after:

"How is your dad, Matt?"

I looked at her, another colleague looked like she was going to punch her, until I said: "Uhhh... thanks for asking, xxxx... but he's still dead!"

And I know that I heard my dad laughing. And I knew things were going to be OK.:smthumbup:

Years later when I reminded my colleague what she had said she looked horrorstruck and said: "Jesus! Oh, I am so sorry! Talk about a blond moment!"

She is a natural blond and lovably dittzy! Like when she said she hated Rome as there were far too many Italians there! 

You will get there, to a better, happier time. But it does take a while


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