# First Post - Still Struggling with sick H



## AprilShowers (Sep 14, 2012)

I have been lurking these forums for months and I finally have the courage to post. I’m hoping I can get some clear perspective on my situation. I’ll try to make it brief.

Currently married 37 years, 2 sons who are grown and on their own. In April 2010 I discovered that my H was having an affair with his secretary. Cliché, I know. He promised to end it and I agreed to work things out. Naively, I thought they could continue to work together. They continued to work together for 21/2 years. I won’t bore you with all the details, but there were several broken NC’s along the way. Phone calls, emails, texts. I don’t know if they ever got together since my discovery, but I don’t think so. I contacted her several times when NC was broken by her, but nothing I did seemed to work. He also continued to break NC. Finally, I had reached the end of my rope. I insisted my H find another job. This wasn’t easy; he’s in a very specialized field. To give you an example, in our state, there are only 64 people who hold his job title. 

Thankfully, in October 2012 he finally landed another job. A better job and one he wanted for many years. Part of the reason he had an affair was his unhappiness in his job, but that’s for another post. Anyway, there was broken NC up until almost the day he left; I discovered he had been talking to her on the phone literally three days before he left his job. So, another fight ensued, etc. Lather, rinse, repeat. But I thought to myself, finally, he is out of there and away from her, we were starting over.

On October 29, 2012 (3 weeks after he started his new job) he was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. We were stunned. Life changed on a dime. Right now he is home recovering and doing quite well but here is my problem. I am still angry about the affair and I know this sounds selfish of me but I feel as though he put me through hell and who is here to take care of him? Me. Some days I look at him and can’t believe this is my life. I don’t even feel like we ever got to true reconciliation or really hashed out my feelings about the affair. I see now that as long as they were working together, it wasn’t really over. There was still that mental connection between them. I do sincerely believe there has not been any contact, but even with the situation he is in, I do not trust him. 

Now all the focus, rightfully so, has been on his illness. But I’m angry, angry at “life” for throwing us this curveball, angry, that once again, how *I* feel takes a backseat. Then I think to myself, it’s all unimportant, because his life is at stake. Several months ago, I thought he may have been in contact with her, but I was wrong. At that point, I did say to him “if you ever see, talk, email, text, send smoke signals or phone her, I will see you through this illness and then I am leaving you”. Other than that, I have never once brought the topic up. I feel guilty now even wanting to talk about it with him because of all he’s been through and what he’s still going through.

Has anyone ever been in this situation or does anyone at least have a bit of advice for me? I have been to counseling and honestly, it hasn’t helped much.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

AprilShowers said:


> Part of the reason he had an affair was his unhappiness in his job, but that’s for another post.


You don’t really believe that, do you? I mean, “Darling, I hate my job so much I’m screwing my secretary. And the more I hate it, the more I just have do her. I just can’t stop.” Please. His seemingly displeasure with his job had nothing to do with it. He was boinking her because he wanted to and he didn’t care one iota about you or your feelings. Sorry to be so blunt, but let’s call it like it is.


AprilShowers said:


> On October 29, 2012 (3 weeks after he started his new job) he was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. We were stunned. Life changed on a dime. Right now he is home recovering and doing quite well but here is my problem. I am still angry about the affair and I know this sounds selfish of me but I feel as though he put me through hell and who is here to take care of him? Me.


Welcome to the world of the betrayers and the betrayed. It is sad to hear of his illness, but in my opinion you had zero obligation to either stay with him or care for him. That may be harsh, but how was he caring for you when you were heartsick? Easy, he was out continuing to screw his secretary. Now that’s some sort of gratitude.



AprilShowers said:


> Some days I look at him and can’t believe this is my life.


And it shouldn’t be. He is an addicted serial betrayer who showed no concern for you and never will show any genuine concern. It’s all about him. 



AprilShowers said:


> Has anyone ever been in this situation or does anyone at least have a bit of advice for me? I have been to counseling and honestly, it hasn’t helped much.


In all honesty, leave him. He has done zero to deserve anything from you but a divorce. If he hadn’t gone back to her repeatedly then I might feel differently, but you need to open your eyes and really take a careful look at how he has played you. And will continue to do so. How galling he expected you to care for him after what he did. And did. And did. And did. And did. And did.

Save your self-respect and go find happiness and peace of mind.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do your sons know about his infidelity? You might request that he ask to see them to tell them what he did to you. And since it was a betrayal of your marriage it was also a betrayal of their family. You can then tell them that you now lack the strength and interest to nurse him. And you just want explain how difficult life has become. Is the secretary married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

AprilShowers said:


> Part of the reason he had an affair was his unhappiness in his job, but that’s for another post.


It's not true. The fact that you believe it says volumes.



AprilShowers said:


> I did say to him “if you ever see, talk, email, text, send smoke signals or phone her, I will see you through this illness and then I am leaving you”.


You should have said if you ever contact her again in any way shape or form you are on your own to deal with this illness and anything else because I am done.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

He had his affair because he wanted to, not because of something or someone else. 

I'm sorry to hear about his illness.

I do agree with you. It doesn't sound like you had a true R. He lied and broke his promises again and again. 

I have no experience with R, are you sure that is what you want? If yes, is he in good enough health to speak to a competent counselor and try MC with you?

If R is not what you want, then I see no obligation on your part to take care of him now. That may sound cold hearted and I understand that in sickness and in health part... but I also understand the forsaking all others part that he failed to do on the front end.

I hope this does not upset you. Regardless of what path you take, I hope your H has a full recovery.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He had the affair because he wanted to - no other reason.

Does the OW have a spouse or partner? Have you exposed to him?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It's hard to walk away from a sick person. It's hard to walk away from a cute puppy. It's hard to walk away from a lot of things.

I was in an accident that left me with some minor brain damage and some dexterity issues. When I was going to doctors and getting brain scans and MRI's, my husband was screwing at least six different women at the same time. 

He literally watched me circle the drain and threw me no life jacket. For this I can never forgive. I have been working on my condition for a few years now and really making great progress.

When I am ready physically to divorce, I don't give a sh*t what is going on with my husband. He never gave a damn about me. I intend to have the papers delivered on our anniversary if possible.

I stew about how he left me hanging at the worst time in my life and I will never forget in hindsight how cold he was.

That being vented, I can only say to do what makes you feel right. Do two wrongs make a right?? We all have to live with our decisions. I know I will be able to live with mine if and when the time comes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AprilShowers said:


> I have been lurking these forums for months and I finally have the courage to post. I’m hoping I can get some clear perspective on my situation. I’ll try to make it brief.
> 
> Currently married 37 years, 2 sons who are grown and on their own. In April 2010 I discovered that my H was having an affair with his secretary. Cliché, I know. He promised to end it and I agreed to work things out. Naively, I thought they could continue to work together. They continued to work together for 21/2 years. I won’t bore you with all the details, but there were several broken NC’s along the way. Phone calls, emails, texts. I don’t know if they ever got together since my discovery, but I don’t think so. I contacted her several times when NC was broken by her, but nothing I did seemed to work. He also continued to break NC. Finally, I had reached the end of my rope. I insisted my H find another job. This wasn’t easy; he’s in a very specialized field. To give you an example, in our state, there are only 64 people who hold his job title.
> 
> ...


Help your husband get through his illness.

And then decide if you want to continue being married to him.

This whole mess is not your fault.

It might be helpful to try a different counsellor.

Vent here. We are here for you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Your husbands affair and illness are 2 totally separate events. 

Separate them.

And whatever you need to talk with him about, choose your time and talk. Speak whatever is on your mind, how you feel, questions for him, whatever.

I can say I have been in a kind of similar situation. My man's daughter had a life threatening situation in January. She is still suffering. He has suffered a lot due to this...obviously. I have supported him where and how I can. I have put my issues on the backburner. But I could only do so for so long. Once the scary sh*t was calmer I could hold it in no longer. I just figured yeah this is terrible, really bad, and I will be there for you, but you caused this and I also need an outlet for my needs and I also need to let off steam. These are 2 different issues, life goes on, and you created this mess. You cannot get out of it just cos another really awful situation has come upon you. 

I wasn't tactless, but I also had needs, and I chose my time that I could get some help with/addressing of the issues he had kindly bestowed on me in his utter selfishness.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You owe him nothing. He doesn't deserve your kindness. Don't let him use his illness to rug sweep. If anything, he should use this time to right all the wrongs he has ever done, no matter how he feels physically.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not healthy for either of you to ignore what he did. And if this cancer becomes the kind he won't recover from, BOTH of you need to air out what his infidelity did to you. For his sake and for yours. Schedule the talk. I've known many many people with cancer (and I work at a cancer hospital), and they don't just focus 100% on the cancer. At least they shouldn't. They continue to live their lives and FOCUS on their lives, so they have a reason to get better.

Give him a reason: an improved marriage. Talk about it.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

AS, I know this all too well. I went through the same thing. It takes a huge amount of self control not to "kick them while they are down" IMHO infidelity is just like a cancer. If you don't deal with, worse things happen. Myself I went motions of taking care of her as best I can, all the while in my head not wanting to do a damn thing. Having to be the better person is hard.
In a long marriage such as ours and yours it is difficult to just walk away while this is happening. I guess what I'm saying is what are you prepared to do now. Do you attempt and "R" is there room for that, only you can answer. In my case the cancer was stomped in it's tracks and then I stomped the marriage in it's tracks as well.
After 20 years and the hoops I jumped to give and make a happy home, she just crapped all over it. I was at a crossroads and did what I thought was the best thing for me to maintain my sanity and find my happiness. Find your happiness and keep coming here, if anything to vent. These/We people know and have been through a lot. Some worse than others, but all have had their hearts torn out. Good luck to you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I think the A is fair game. I would set time aside to discuss the A. It is not all about his illness.


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