# Am I wrong for not wanting to be around my immediate in laws?



## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

I have been married for 12 years. While dating my husband, I was forewarned about my SIL by my husband. He described her as being "different. " After meeting her, i saw that she was insecure, jealous and competitive. Later, I realized that she is also a covert narcissist that pretty much controls the whole family. She was so hot and cold with me, even poking at me at times. Very passive aggressive and competitive. I complained abt her to my husband and MIL but was told to ignore her. I was also told that everyone knows that she acts this way but that just learned to deal with it. I faked a bond with her to get along. After my mother passed, I was breaking down mentally and could no longer stand to be on her emotional rollercoaster so I let her know how she made me feel by text. Not the best method but thats how it happened, instant silent treatment. This was like 8 years ago. I have had to kiss her behind to extend olive branches to her for the sake of the family ever since. and Im tired! She will never change and is not self aware. We made some headway last year but like an idiot, I refriended her on Facebook. I was so over the drama and I was thinking that surely she has changed, but nope, more subliminals even she had the opportunityto tell me how she felt to my face. I unfollowed her but she poked at me through mutual friends posts. I unfriended her and here were are again and once again they are mad at me for protecting my peace. They understand but feel i should react to her in a different way. I made the decision to keep my distance from them all since my husband never has my back and since my mother in law think that I'm supposed to just deal with her. Now my husband is bothered that I want nothing to do with them and my MIL finally decided to step in and have a conversation calling her out. There is no turning back for me, I want nothing to do with these people. I am hurt and I feel that because they are afraid of her, they feel like I should put up with her abuse or that I am wrong for not handling things in a certain way. No one wanted to asdress her behavior at all until now. Am I wrong for keeping my distance?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I am so so sorry you are going through this, honey! 

Whenever I read such stories, my heart breaks into pieces. The most devastating and disappointing part is that you don't have the full support of your husband, despite the fact that he and the rest of the family know the way that woman is.
Keep your distance as much as possible!!!!! I know you tried and tried and tried....but some people never change. You said it at the beginning of your post - she's insecure and jealous. This says it all!
Instead of calling her out SINCE THE BEGINNING of this whole mess,they told you to ignore her. What a passive-aggressive family they are!  Such a bad example!

Just don't talk to her at all, call her out on her ******** whenever you have to, de-friend her on FB and just disconnect from everthing related to her. Change the country if you have to and take the husband with you if you two can get away from that city/country.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your main problem isn’t with your sister in law it’s the conflict avoidant little boy who you’re married to.
He’s thrown you under a bus continuously with his family and I think it’s time he learned to be an adult. 
You need to continue to ignore them and possibly him as well.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

cwashi04 said:


> I have been married for 12 years. While dating my husband, I was forewarned about my SIL by my husband. He described her as being "different. " After meeting her, i saw that she was insecure, jealous and competitive. Later, I realized that she is also a covert narcissist that pretty much controls the whole family. She was so hot and cold with me, even poking at me at times. Very passive aggressive and competitive. I complained abt her to my husband and MIL but was told to ignore her. I was also told that everyone knows that she acts this way but that just learned to deal with it. I faked a bond with her to get along. After my mother passed, I was breaking down mentally and could no longer stand to be on her emotional rollercoaster so I let her know how she made me feel by text. Not the best method but thats how it happened, instant silent treatment. This was like 8 years ago. I have had to kiss her behind to extend olive branches to her for the sake of the family ever since. and Im tired! She will never change and is not self aware. We made some headway last year but like an idiot, I refriended her on Facebook. I was so over the drama and I was thinking that surely she has changed, but nope, more subliminals even she had the opportunityto tell me how she felt to my face. I unfollowed her but she poked at me through mutual friends posts. I unfriended her and here were are again and once again they are mad at me for protecting my peace. They understand but feel i should react to her in a different way. I made the decision to keep my distance from them all since my husband never has my back and since my mother in law think that I'm supposed to just deal with her. Now my husband is bothered that I want nothing to do with them and my MIL finally decided to step in and have a conversation calling her out. There is no turning back for me, I want nothing to do with these people. I am hurt and I feel that because they are afraid of her, they feel like I should put up with her abuse or that I am wrong for not handling things in a certain way. No one wanted to asdress her behavior at all until now. Am I wrong for keeping my distance?





lovelygirl said:


> I am so so sorry you are going through this, honey!
> 
> Whenever I read such stories, my heart breaks into pieces. The most devastating and disappointing part is that you don't have the full support of your husband, despite the fact that he and the rest of the family know the way that woman is.
> Keep your distance as much as possible!!!!! I know you tried and tried and tried....but some people never change. You said it at the beginning of your post - she's insecure and jealous. This says it all!
> ...


Thank you!!!


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Your main problem isn’t with your sister in law it’s the conflict avoidant little boy who you’re married to.
> He’s thrown you under a bus continuously with his family and I think it’s time he learned to be an adult.
> You need to continue to ignore them and possibly him as well.


I agree wholeheartedly! I told him that should blame himself for not having my back. Since he doesn't care how I feel, I no longer care how he feels. He needs to finally deal with the fallout!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

So you faked a bond w/ her and then texted her to let her know you didn't really like her? How would you feel towards someone who did that to you?


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> So you faked a bond w/ her and then texted her to let her know you didn't really like her? How would you feel towards someone who did that to you?


I understand it wasn't right but I really didn't know what else to do. I lost my mother and I needed peace with people around me. It was survival really because my husband never respected the fact that I didnt want her around. I understand how she feels which was the reason for the many attempts reaching out to her so that we could be cordial for the family's sake. But she does not want to hear why I did what I did, she thinks that she did nothing wrong.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

cwashi04 said:


> I understand it wasn't right but I really didn't know what else to do. I lost my mother and I needed peace with people around me. It was survival really because my husband never respected the fact that I didnt want her around. I understand how she feels which was the reason for the many attempts reaching out to her so that we could be cordial for the family's sake. But she does not want to hear why I did what I did, she thinks that she did nothing wrong.


But she is very fake also.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SpinyNorman said:


> So you faked a bond w/ her and then texted her to let her know you didn't really like her? How would you feel towards someone who did that to you?


Oh please, who cares how SIL feels when she didn't and (still doesn't )care how everyone in the family feels. All this damage was becauase of her wrongdoings...so obviously OP needed a way out.

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have children? If so how are they treated by your in-laws?

Does our sister-in-law have friends? If so how does she get along with them.

There probably is not anything you can do to patch this up. So your best bet is to just take care of yourself.

It might help for you get some marriage counseling so that you get some support in hopefully getting your husband to stand up to his family.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have children? If so how are they treated by your in-laws?
> 
> Does our sister-in-law have friends? If so how does she get along with them.
> 
> ...


I do have children and I tried so hard for them and my husband. My MIL always sees them when she comes into town but my BIL and his wife are not always inclusive, but my kids are younger than theirs.

She has childhood friends but not many friends along the way. She has a hard time connecting with new women. She really has a hard time connecting with women who are on her level career wise and women who are happy. Most of her friends are not on her level professionally. I felt like she tried to be nicer to me after my mother passed but it also felt like trauma bonding and it didn't feel authentic. She could have been nice to me before that. 

I told my husband that I can't continue in this marriage unless we get counseling. This situation has taken enough out of me.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

cwashi04 said:


> She really has a hard time connecting with women who are on her level career wise and women who are happy. Most of her friends are not on her level professionally. I felt like she tried to be nicer to me after my mother passed but it also felt like trauma bonding and it didn't feel authentic.


 She suffers from self-esteem issues. 

Your husband needs to take accountability for letting things slide up to this point and for allowing this situation to affect your marriage. He needs to man up and stop taking sides. They are such a dysfunctional family and not having the complete support from your H is the most disappointing part of all this mess.



cwashi04 said:


> I told my husband that I can't continue in this marriage unless we get counseling. This situation has taken enough out of me.


Good! Stand your ground! Enough is enough!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This is what happens with flying monkeys. Protect your peace and don't feed into any of the drama. Tell your husband, he can go ahead and have a relationship with his family but you are not carrying his monkey. You should not have to. Be cordial of course with them. If they want you to join in you can but don't make it a major part or issue of your life. Your hubby dropped the ball on this one, let him deal with his family. I am in an interracial/intercultural marriage and all that that brings with it. I have learned to do what makes me happy. If i want to join with his family I do, if I don't I just don't. I put me first. Of course this is something you have to learn to do over and over. My H did not have my back in our younger days and I have told him so in MC, you reap what you sow and now he accepts my decisions on the level of my involvement. You must set boundaries and learn to stick to them, stop pleasing everyone including your H.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

No, you're not wrong. I think you're wise to identify the relationship between you and SIL just isn't working. There may come a time where you can be around one another and be okay... without expectation of anything other than that. Your husband could maintain his relationship with her/them, while still accepting that you and SIL aren't gonna gel.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

cwashi04 said:


> I was also told that everyone knows that she acts this way but that just learned to deal with it. I faked a bond with her to get along.


Yeah, and you have decided that's no longer workable for you. You don't need to just deal with it. Faking the bond to keep the peace is a typical response; this cat won't judge you for that. I'm really sorry that you went through some tough times emotionally, with losing your mother. Based on how I read you, sounds to me like you tried to appease, you didn't handle things well, you tried to make up for it, you tried to start anew, and came full circle to realize that you just don't like this person and don't want to be around her. Fair call, in my book.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Wow, we're living the same life right now. I am having the same exact issue with my SIL, but am not married as long. My husband and his family also know about her, and do not have my back at all. You feel helpless and angry, but if I may, I'd like to help you based on what I've learned and how I am coping with it. If she calls me out on stuff or insults me, I never explain anything, and act like I don't care. They will use passive aggressive behavior because they are seething with anger, but don't give ANY attention to it, try to stay calm. The number one thing I can tell you is no matter how negative they try to make you feel, stay above it and always be confident in yourself (frankly, they're not intelligent, so what right do they have to criticize you).

Make sure your boundaries are in place, if you don't want to do something, say no, and that's it, no explanation. I say hello and goodbye to my S-I-L and that is the extent of our conversation. Don't give any info on your life, don't ask questions about theirs, don't give them attention. If you must speak to them, text only...no phone calls b/c they can make it like they never called or had the 'conversation' you had. Do not friend them on social media at all. Go to family functions and act as if nothing is wrong, they hate this. Do not challenge them back or tell them off, because frankly they'll victimize themselves and turn it on you, and people will believe them, (if they don't believe them, they won't help you or defend you)...this person does NOT care about you, and are trying to get to you; they want to trigger your emotions and bait you (and this is the hardest thing to do). 

This is also so important: acknowledge the fact that you won't change her, and she doesn't want to be your friend ever, not now and not years from now. They don't have empathy for anyone, let alone you... although they make it SEEM as if they do for others. Don't ever tell her she's a covert narcissist. Finally, they will TRY (sometimes successfully) to turn people against you...but if people are naive enough to not even look at your side of the situation, they're not worth keeping in your life...in that regard, the covert narcissist is helping you realize who your true friends are/are not...and that is a priceless gift. !

There are videos that have helped me to cope with it (if you look on Youtube, search common ego (that woman is a Godsend)
Also, I am currently reading a book by Shahida Arabi (Becoming the narcissist's nightmare). Invest in it, because it explains everything about this personality, and how to deal with it).

Sorry for the long response, but I just know what it feels like to feel utterly alone. Good luck to you, remain strong, calm and confident in yourself and your abilities. If your confidence levels are good and you believe in yourself, that's already most of the battle.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> Oh please, who cares how SIL feels when she didn't and (still doesn't )care how everyone in the family feels. All this damage was becauase of her wrongdoings...so obviously OP needed a way out.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


TS has a lot of complaints about SIL, but none are as specific as how she describes her own behavior. It's entirely possible SIL is a bad person, but that doesn't justify backstabbing, and it's not like there can only be one mean person in a family.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> TS has a lot of complaints about SIL, but none are as specific as how she describes her own behavior. It's entirely possible SIL is a bad person, but that doesn't justify backstabbing, and it's not like there can only be one mean person in a family.


I understand where you're coming from, maybe we're not seeing both sides, but I'm not sure if you understand covert narcissism. Something as trivial as forgetting something can be seen as a slight to them, and will trigger them to hate you and spite you. These are not logical people and they are master manipulators in the art of victimizing themselves. They can be jealous and think you have something they don't and make your life hell. Listen, OP maybe did make a mistake or two, but it's b/c she was frustrated, and I get that. She is still learning how to deal with it, and trust me, it's a daily struggle.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> TS has a lot of complaints about SIL, but none are as specific as how she describes her own behavior. It's entirely possible SIL is a bad person, but that doesn't justify backstabbing, and it's not like there can only be one mean person in a family.


It wasn't backstabbing, it was survival on my part because my husband didn't want me to address her and he was also very emotionally abusive during my weakest time. He would also stop speaking to me if I did something he did not like for weeks at a time. I was confused and powerless. I should have left but was to emotionally weak to do so. I was also dealing with post partum depression as well. She wanted me to kiss her behind, that was the only way she would be nice and I was on the verge of who knows what at that time. I am thankful that I am still here today or not in jail to tell this story. I may not have been right in doing so but if she were self aware, she might understand my position a bit better. She is a mean girl and an emotional bully and the fact that the family is afraid of her and the fact that I was emotionally bullied by both my husband and SIL still need to be addressed. You cannot judge a person for how they responded to someone's abusive behavior.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

GC1234 said:


> I understand where you're coming from, maybe we're not seeing both sides, but I'm not sure if you understand covert narcissism. Something as trivial as forgetting something can be seen as a slight to them, and will trigger them to hate you and spite you. These are not logical people and they are master manipulators in the art of victimizing themselves. They can be jealous and think you have something they don't and make your life hell. Listen, OP maybe did make a mistake or two, but it's b/c she was frustrated, and I get that. She is still learning how to deal with it, and trust me, it's a daily struggle.


IDK if the SIL is a covert narcicist or not, there aren't a lot of details.

TS says she was forewarned about SIL, and H and MIL advised TS to ignore SIL. She didn't, did stuff no one seems willing to defend, and seems surprised SIL hasn't been nice to her since that. At this late date if you do take the **** out of the stew it will still taste bad, but it seemed to me there is a teachable moment here.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> no one seems willing to defend, and seems surprised SIL hasn't been nice to her since that.


I get it, we don't have specifics...but this is because no one in the family will defend you, even if they know the person is wrong....they probably want to keep the peace....but it's easier said than done when they're not the targets...until they are.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> TS has a lot of complaints about SIL, but none are as specific as how she describes her own behavior. It's entirely possible SIL is a bad person, but that doesn't justify backstabbing, and it's not like there can only be one mean person in a family.


There actually can be one mean person. Where are you getting your data?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

GC1234 said:


> I get it, we don't have specifics...but this is because no one in the family will defend you, even if they know the person is wrong....they probably want to keep the peace....but it's easier said than done when they're not the targets...until they are.


Don't know if we're talking about the same thing. What I meant by "no one seems willing to defend", is TS's behavior towards SIL, which no one on this forum defends.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> There actually can be one mean person. Where are you getting your data?


There can be no mean person. There can be one mean person. There can be more than one mean person. 

This implies, "It's not like there can only be one mean person."


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> IDK if the SIL is a covert narcicist or not, there aren't a lot of details.
> 
> TS says she was forewarned about SIL, and H and MIL advised TS to ignore SIL. She didn't, did stuff no one seems willing to defend, and seems surprised SIL hasn't been nice to her since that. At this late date if you do take the **** out of the stew it will still taste bad, but it seemed to me there is a teachable moment here.


There is really too much to type here about her. She lacks empathy, she is an emotional bully, she is passive aggressive, she triangulates, she became the the victim after I told her how she made me feel, she was jealous of me because I was happy and could connect with other women and people when she could not, she copied my style at times, she was is constantly trying to one up everything I did, she told me about a girl that my husband dated long before me that was totally irrelevant, she seems pleased when she thinks she has broken me down.....i can go on and on here. After apologizing to her and explaining what I was dealing with mentally, she still had no empathy even though she wants everyone to excuse her behavior because she was in a bad place because of her husband. She is self absorbed and mean. Im not perfect but I've been nothing but nice to her and even tried clearing up misunderstandings but she doesn't want peace with me. She wants to poke at me and then play the victim. This is how she keeps winning because she can be so passive aggressive and she turns my reaction back on me. Its obvious that she doesn't want peace with me, she wants to win and she always wins when I play her stupid games. If she really feels slighted by something I did, she has had ample opportunity to speak up but she doesn't because she has no legit reason to dislike me or act the way she has towareds me. She tries to find every reason to stay mad at me so that she can justify her behavior. She is so self absorbed and immature most times because we shoulf be able to be cordial and kind for the sake if the family we share.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> Don't know if we're talking about the same thing. What I meant by "no one seems willing to defend", is TS's behavior towards SIL, which no one on this forum defends.


Ohh, I thought you meant her husbands family...sorry


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

cwashi04 said:


> There is really too much to type here about her. She lacks empathy, she is an emotional bully, she is passive aggressive, she triangulates, she became the the victim after I told her how she made me feel, she was jealous of me because I was happy and could connect with other women and people when she could not, she copied my style at times, she was is constantly trying to one up everything I did, she told me about a girl that my husband dated long before me that was totally irrelevant, she seems pleased when she thinks she has broken me down.....i can go on and on here. After apologizing to her and explaining what I was dealing with mentally, she still had no empathy even though she wants everyone to excuse her behavior because she was in a bad place because of her husband. She is self absorbed and mean. Im not perfect but I've been nothing but nice to her and even tried clearing up misunderstandings but she doesn't want peace with me. She wants to poke at me and then play the victim. This is how she keeps winning because she can be so passive aggressive and she turns my reaction back on me. Its obvious that she doesn't want peace with me, she wants to win and she always wins when I play her stupid games. If she really feels slighted by something I did, she has had ample opportunity to speak up but she doesn't because she has no legit reason to dislike me or act the way she has towareds me. She tries to find every reason to stay mad at me so that she can justify her behavior. She is so self absorbed and immature most times because we shoulf be able to be cordial and kind for the sake if the family we share.


She sounds just like my sister in law. I believe they are both covert narcissists...trust your gut!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> There can be no mean person. There can be one mean person. There can be more than one mean person.
> 
> This implies, "It's not like there can only be one mean person."


Comprende. More coffee needed...


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> I get it, we don't have specifics...but this is because no one in the family will defend you, even if they know the person is wrong....they probably want to keep the peace....but it's easier said than done when they're not the targets...until they are.


I didn't really need to be defended, I just needed to handle the situation in my way without everyone turning on me because they are scared. But my MIL and husband want the family to be together so badly, they both should have stepped up and tried to diffuse the situation because they know her and they knew that I had tried to handle it my way. Now unfortunately, they have to deal with the fallout because you can't expect someone to take someone else's abuse. They had all been here with her before and this is why no one wants to get on her bad side but thats not my fault.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SpinyNorman said:


> TS has a lot of complaints about SIL, but none are as specific as how she describes her own behavior. It's entirely possible SIL is a bad person, but that doesn't justify backstabbing, and it's not like there can only be one mean person in a family.


Are you implying that suddenly, OP is the next bad person in this mess??? 
OP didn't backstab. She tried several times to have a normal relationship with her SIL but the latter keeps going back to her old behavior. What is OP supposed to do??? Still be nice to her? Should OP be a doormat???

C'mon....


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

cwashi04 said:


> I didn't really need to be defended, I just needed to handle the situation in my way without everyone turning on me because they are scared. But my MIL and husband want the family to be together so badly, they both should have stepped up and tried to diffuse the situation because they know her and they knew that I had tried to handle it my way.


I hope you are not offended by what I said, I'm just trying to help...
I understand you didn't need to be defended, but it sounds like you wanted to be defended when you say "they should have diffused the situation". I'm just here to tell you that from my experience, they're not going to diffuse it and most likely won't come to your defense (and I KNOW it's disappointing for you that no one stands your friend, b/c it is for me too). In their mind, they know how she is, and they'll ignore her, just to keep the peace. They're expecting you to do the same. The only one who has the power to diffuse it is you, but with coverts, you have to tread lightly. Telling them off and getting emotional (not saying you're guilty of doing this) will NOT help. It'll give her more power in her mind that she's getting to you. With people like this, you can't express that you'd like things to get better or that your hurt, they DON'T CARE. That's what they want, they want you to be hurting inside. You have to find a way to respond without reacting (and maybe you have). Look into the two resources I told you about in my earlier post. You are in my position like 3 months ago. I was just as angry, but now I know I have to rely on myself, not others. Knowledge and preparation is power.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> I hope you are not offended by what I said, I'm just trying to help...
> I understand you didn't need to be defended, but it sounds like you wanted to be defended when you say "they should have diffused the situation". I'm just here to tell you that from my experience, they're not going to diffuse it and most likely won't come to your defense (and I KNOW it's disappointing for you that no one stands your friend, b/c it is for me too). In their mind, they know how she is, and they'll ignore her, just to keep the peace. They're expecting you to do the same. The only one who has the power to diffuse it is you, but with coverts, you have to tread lightly. Telling them off and getting emotional (not saying you're guilty of doing this) will NOT help. It'll give her more power in her mind that she's getting to you. With people like this, you can't express that you'd like things to get better or that your hurt, they DON'T CARE. That's what they want, they want you to be hurting inside. You have to find a way to respond without reacting (and maybe you have). Look into the two resources I told you about in my earlier post. You are in my position like 3 months ago. I was just as angry, but now I know I have to rely on myself, not others. Knowledge and preparation is power.


No not offended at all! Thank you! It's a struggle for me because I do react and I have a hard time controlling that!lol I feel the best thing I can do is come around when I feel like it, like you said. I'm learning what gives a covert narcissist "power" so I am trying to take that away from her! Thanks again for your insight!!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> Are you implying that suddenly, OP is the next bad person in this mess???
> OP didn't backstab.


She "faked a bond with her", i.e. duplicitously gained her trust, then texted her negative things. To me, that is backstabbing. If it isn't to you, what is?


> She tried several times to have a normal relationship with her SIL but the latter keeps going back to her old behavior. What is OP supposed to do??? Still be nice to her? Should OP be a doormat???


Her H and MIL warned her a positive relationship was unlikely, and to "ignore her", which is not "be a doormat". She then duplicitously got her trust and used it to be mean to her. I don't think any of us would expect that to produce a "normal relationship".


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

cwashi04 said:


> It wasn't backstabbing, it was survival on my part because my husband didn't want me to address her and he was also very emotionally abusive during my weakest time. He would also stop speaking to me if I did something he did not like for weeks at a time. I was confused and powerless. I should have left but was to emotionally weak to do so. I was also dealing with post partum depression as well. She wanted me to kiss her behind, that was the only way she would be nice and I was on the verge of who knows what at that time. I am thankful that I am still here today or not in jail to tell this story. I may not have been right in doing so but if she were self aware, she might understand my position a bit better. She is a mean girl and an emotional bully and the fact that the family is afraid of her and the fact that I was emotionally bullied by both my husband and SIL still need to be addressed. You cannot judge a person for how they responded to someone's abusive behavior.


If you want advice on how to deal w/ your family, we can do that. If you think your misfortunes are an excuse to mistreat people, I'm not going to bother.

IDK if your SIL is as problematic as you describe or not. I think a more important question is, what relationship do you want w/ each of your in-laws now?


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> She "faked a bond with her", i.e. duplicitously gained her trust, then texted her negative things. To me, that is backstabbing. If it isn't to you, what is?
> 
> Her H and MIL warned her a positive relationship was unlikely, and to "ignore her", which is not "be a doormat". She then duplicitously got her trust and used it to be mean to her. I don't think any of us would expect that to produce a "normal relationship".


I dont want a normal relationship, I just want to be cordial but that's impossible with her because she either wants to be a mean girl or she wants you to kiss her behind, there is no in-between. She is so threatened by me that she tries to break me down every chance she gets. We both faked a bond because she doesn't like me either. She started to like me more after I kissed her behind. She is as fake and phony as they come. I can't ignore someone poking and taking shots at me, it was literally eating me up inside. They didn't want me to say anything but also should be respectful of my wishes to have nothing to do with them. Have you ever dealt this someone like this at the lowest point in your life?


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> If you want advice on how to deal w/ your family, we can do that. If you think your misfortunes are an excuse to mistreat people, I'm not going to bother.
> 
> IDK if your SIL is as problematic as you describe or not. I think a more important question is, what relationship do you want w/ each of your in-laws now?


I want a cordial relationship with them but at this point, nothing with her. Its hard to believe what I'm saying about her because its too much, but its true! It's difficult explaining this to people who have never dealt with this or thinks that a person has done something to deserve this behavior. My mental state has everything to do with our fallout because prior to my issues, I could ignore her. If I didn't try to kill her with kindness, I might be in jail right now because I was not in the right frame of mind to battle a person as emotionally immature as she is. I have said that Im not perfect, but she is catty and insecure and this is what you get from women like her. I don't know of you are a woman or not but women like her do exist.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

cwashi04 said:


> I want a cordial relationship with them but at this point, nothing with her. Its hard to believe what I'm saying about her because its too much, but its true! It's difficult explaining this to people who have never dealt with this or thinks that a person has done something to deserve this behavior. My mental state has everything to do with our fallout because prior to my issues, I could ignore her. If I didn't try to kill her with kindness, I might be in jail right now because I was not in the right frame of mind to battle a person as emotionally immature as she is. I have said that Im not perfect, but she is catty and insecure and this is what you get from women like her. I don't know of you are a woman or not but women like her do exist. I let her use her mental state to be the reason she acts the way she does but she is never understanding of me. She is a hypocrite who can't take her own treatment and she is used to getting away with treating people poorly. Ive been nothing but understanding and trying to reach common ground, but she cant return the favor. We don't have to be friends or even carry on a conversation, a hello and goodbye was all that I wanted because it was about family. She id probably also very hurt because she cant connect with many women and she thought that she finally got that from me. If she looks in the mirror, she will see that she attracts fake because she is fake. She will also see that she cant make new friends because she is completely insecure. No one wants to deal with that. She feels a sense of revenge even more that she's stopped talking to me, but she is a child emotionally. I had to do to therapy to deal with this family and I think its time that they go.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

cwashi04 said:


> I have been married for 12 years. While dating my husband, I was forewarned about my SIL by my husband. He described her as being "different. " After meeting her, i saw that she was insecure, jealous and competitive. Later, I realized that she is also a covert narcissist that pretty much controls the whole family. She was so hot and cold with me, even poking at me at times. Very passive aggressive and competitive. I complained abt her to my husband and MIL but was told to ignore her. I was also told that everyone knows that she acts this way but that just learned to deal with it. I faked a bond with her to get along. After my mother passed, I was breaking down mentally and could no longer stand to be on her emotional rollercoaster so I let her know how she made me feel by text. Not the best method but thats how it happened, instant silent treatment. This was like 8 years ago. I have had to kiss her behind to extend olive branches to her for the sake of the family ever since. and Im tired! She will never change and is not self aware. We made some headway last year but like an idiot, I refriended her on Facebook. I was so over the drama and I was thinking that surely she has changed, but nope, more subliminals even she had the opportunityto tell me how she felt to my face. I unfollowed her but she poked at me through mutual friends posts. I unfriended her and here were are again and once again they are mad at me for protecting my peace. They understand but feel i should react to her in a different way. I made the decision to keep my distance from them all since my husband never has my back and since my mother in law think that I'm supposed to just deal with her. Now my husband is bothered that I want nothing to do with them and my MIL finally decided to step in and have a conversation calling her out. There is no turning back for me, I want nothing to do with these people. I am hurt and I feel that because they are afraid of her, they feel like I should put up with her abuse or that I am wrong for not handling things in a certain way. No one wanted to asdress her behavior at all until now. Am I wrong for keeping my distance?



Your H should have supported you from day one and advised his sister to take a back seat. If his sister had issue with it that is her problem. Time for you H to cut the apron strings with mom and tell his sister to take a hike. Something that should have happened a long time ago.

If your H has an issue with you advising he should have gotten your back when it all started then I recommend some individual counseling for him. 

Sorry it went on this long. Nowhere is it written you must get along with family. You should love them but you don't have to like them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

cwashi04 said:


> I want a cordial relationship with them but at this point, nothing with her. Its hard to believe what I'm saying about her because its too much, but its true! It's difficult explaining this to people who have never dealt with this or thinks that a person has done something to deserve this behavior. My mental state has everything to do with our fallout because prior to my issues, I could ignore her. If I didn't try to kill her with kindness, I might be in jail right now because I was not in the right frame of mind to battle a person as emotionally immature as she is. I have said that Im not perfect, but she is catty and insecure and this is what you get from women like her. I don't know of you are a woman or not but women like her do exist.


Stop. Your H needs to address this. Even to the point of cutting off all family contact. Just the way it is. I have 2 family members I do not talk with(brother and sister) for various reason that dealt with my W. I will not stand by for any disrespect of my W. Includes family. My W always comes first in all matters. Your H needs to make it right or call it day with the sister(possibly the family).


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SpinyNorman said:


> If you think your misfortunes are an excuse to mistreat people, I'm not going to bother.


🙄 oh God. 

Stop treating this as if suddenly is all OP's fault that things got here. 

You sound as negative as her SIL.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

duplicate


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Your H should have supported you from day one and advised his sister to take a back seat. If his sister had issue with it that is her problem. Time for you H to cut the apron strings with mom and tell his sister to take a hike. Something that should have happened a long time ago.
> 
> If your H has an issue with you advising he should have gotten your back when it all started then I recommend some individual counseling for him.
> 
> Sorry it went on this long. Nowhere is it written you must get along with family. You should love them but you don't have to like them.


Thank you! I know its tricky for him because she is his brothers wife. He may have not known how to handle it but I told that he could even remained neutral but been honest with us both and I would have been fine. His brother steps in when we have our fall outs but my husband is silent which looks like he agrees. But he about talks her with me, he tells me about how other people he knows say the same things and other family that have had issues. I lost respect for my husband after this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

cwashi04 said:


> I didn't really need to be defended, I just needed to handle the situation in my way without everyone turning on me because they are scared. But my MIL and husband want the family to be together so badly, they both should have stepped up and tried to diffuse the situation because they know her and they knew that I had tried to handle it my way. Now unfortunately, they have to deal with the fallout because you can't expect someone to take someone else's abuse. They had all been here with her before and this is why no one wants to get on her bad side but thats not my fault.


If MIL and husband want the family to be together badly then it is up to your H to make it right. Not you. I'm astonished you H sits by and does nothing. Your H does not want to lose family contact over this but does nothing. Sorry, your H needs to get it straight with his family. Not you. You have tried.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

lovelygirl said:


> 🙄 oh God.
> 
> Stop treating this as if suddenly is all OP's fault that things got here.
> 
> You sound as negative as her SIL.


Thank you and its a bit triggering honestly!


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> If MIL and husband want the family to be together badly then it is up to your H to make it right. Not you. I'm astonished you H sits by and does nothing. Your H does not want to lose family contact over this but does nothing. Sorry, your H needs to get it straight with his family. Not you. You have tried.


I agree, thank you!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

cwashi04 said:


> Thank you! I know its tricky for him because she is his brothers wife. He may have not known how to handle it but I told that he could even remained neutral but been honest with us both and I would have been fine. His brother steps in when we have our fall outs but my husband is silent which looks like he agrees. But he about talks her with me, he tells me about how other people he knows say the same things and other family that have had issues. I lost respect for my husband after this.


It ain't tricky at all. The only trick being played is your H not doing ANYTHING to defend his W. That simple. Your H needs to get a SET and tell the family(his sister) how it is doing to be. If she has issue then don't be looking for a Christmas card this year.

See, you have lost respect for your H. Should have curtained this when it first started. Tell him to fix it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Trust me in this, as a H myself I let crap go on with my W and family for the sake of keeping the family 'together'. Man, was I wrong in not stepping in. I had no idea how my W felt like she was left out to dry. I changed that in a day. Many attitudes changed for the better. As for my two siblings, to far gone to fix and I don't care. At the end of the day the person that really cares for me is standing there. I can always depend on my W has my back in all things. She gets mine. I don't care who it is.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

cwashi04 said:


> Thank you! I know its tricky for him because she is his brothers wife. He may have not known how to handle it but I told that he could even remained neutral but been honest with us both and I would have been fine. His brother steps in when we have our fall outs but my husband is silent which looks like he agrees. But he about talks her with me, he tells me about how other people he knows say the same things and other family that have had issues. I lost respect for my husband after this.


I have the same issues with my husband now...it has currently caused a rift between us.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

cwashi04 said:


> There is really too much to type here about her. She lacks empathy, she is an emotional bully, she is passive aggressive, she triangulates, she became the the victim after I told her how she made me feel, she was jealous of me because I was happy and could connect with other women and people when she could not, she copied my style at times, she was is constantly trying to one up everything I did, she told me about a girl that my husband dated long before me that was totally irrelevant, she seems pleased when she thinks she has broken me down.....i can go on and on here. After apologizing to her and explaining what I was dealing with mentally, she still had no empathy even though she wants everyone to excuse her behavior because she was in a bad place because of her husband. She is self absorbed and mean. Im not perfect but I've been nothing but nice to her and even tried clearing up misunderstandings but she doesn't want peace with me. She wants to poke at me and then play the victim. This is how she keeps winning because she can be so passive aggressive and she turns my reaction back on me. Its obvious that she doesn't want peace with me, she wants to win and she always wins when I play her stupid games. If she really feels slighted by something I did, she has had ample opportunity to speak up but she doesn't because she has no legit reason to dislike me or act the way she has towareds me. She tries to find every reason to stay mad at me so that she can justify her behavior. She is so self absorbed and immature most times because we shoulf be able to be cordial and kind for the sake if the family we share.


SO, from now on IGNORE her completely. If you have to answer something directly, use one or two word answers.
If she tries to stir the ****, then just ignore it. NO RESPONSE (that will actually drive her crazy!). Indifference is what you want to shoot for with her. NO, that is not letting her win. That is YOU NOT letting her have any space in your head.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

cwashi04 said:


> There is really too much to type here about her. She lacks empathy, she is an emotional bully, she is passive aggressive, she triangulates, she became the the victim after I told her how she made me feel, she was jealous of me because I was happy and could connect with other women and people when she could not, she copied my style at times, she was is constantly trying to one up everything I did, she told me about a girl that my husband dated long before me that was totally irrelevant, she seems pleased when she thinks she has broken me down.....i can go on and on here. After apologizing to her and explaining what I was dealing with mentally, she still had no empathy even though she wants everyone to excuse her behavior because she was in a bad place because of her husband. She is self absorbed and mean. Im not perfect but I've been nothing but nice to her and even tried clearing up misunderstandings but she doesn't want peace with me. She wants to poke at me and then play the victim. This is how she keeps winning because she can be so passive aggressive and she turns my reaction back on me. Its obvious that she doesn't want peace with me, she wants to win and she always wins when I play her stupid games. If she really feels slighted by something I did, she has had ample opportunity to speak up but she doesn't because she has no legit reason to dislike me or act the way she has towareds me. She tries to find every reason to stay mad at me so that she can justify her behavior. She is so self absorbed and immature most times because we shoulf be able to be cordial and kind for the sake if the family we share.


Awful!!!!

I am appalled that your H let you go through all this. He wasn't mature enough to draw the line in the sand. You were alone in all this.

Stay away from that cancerous SIL as much as possible. Even during family gatherings, try to have NO interaction whatsoever.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> It ain't tricky at all. The only trick being played is your H not doing ANYTHING to defend his W. That simple. Your H needs to get a SET and tell the family(his sister) how it is doing to be. If she has issue then don't be looking for a Christmas card this year.
> 
> See, you have lost respect for your H. Should have curtained this when it first started. Tell him to fix it.


Agreed.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

cwashi04 said:


> I want a cordial relationship with them but at this point, nothing with her.


That makes sense. The good news is, her family seems to realize she isn't a fair person, that should make it easier to get along w/ them.

There is a saying, "Never wrestle a pig. Even if you win, you get really dirty." Don't get down in the mud w/ her, stay up w/ the clean people. That is, when she wants to fight, don't.

She will probably try to "push your buttons" on social media, but what is more annoying than when you push the button on the microwave and it doesn't do anything? Be the microwave, and let her get annoyed.

At family gatherings, try to think of the person who invited everyone. If she says something rude, try not to start a scene that will ruin the engagement for others. You can say things like "Let's not get into that here." or "I'm not going to go there." or even just shake your head and walk away.

If she is nice to you, be polite but don't be quick to trust her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Your H should have supported you from day one and advised his sister to take a back seat. If his sister had issue with it that is her problem. Time for you H to cut the apron strings with mom and tell his sister to take a hike. Something that should have happened a long time ago.





Yeswecan said:


> Stop. Your H needs to address this. Even to the point of cutting off all family contact. Just the way it is. I have 2 family members I do not talk with(brother and sister) for various reason that dealt with my W. I will not stand by for any disrespect of my W. Includes family. My W always comes first in all matters. Your H needs to make it right or call it day with the sister(possibly the family).





Yeswecan said:


> Trust me in this, as a H myself I let crap go on with my W and family for the sake of keeping the family 'together'. Man, was I wrong in not stepping in. I had no idea how my W felt like she was left out to dry. I changed that in a day. Many attitudes changed for the better. As for my two siblings, to far gone to fix and I don't care. At the end of the day the person that really cares for me is standing there. I can always depend on my W has my back in all things. She gets mine. I don't care who it is.


QFT all of the above. Spouse comes first, always, no matter what. 



cwashi04 said:


> I lost respect for my husband after this.


As did I. I have nightmare inlaws too my friend. There's always been tension but it all blew up 5 years ago when my SIL pulled me up for a FB post, that was nothing to do with her btw, and did so in a PM with my husband copied in. He did NOTHING. So I did. Sick and fkn tired of being told off like a naughty child. Had it stayed at that, it likely would have been resolved, but nope, li'l miss enmeshed SIL, after promising my husband she wouldn't tell their parents, went running to mummy and daddy and did just that - without warning him. It then all came to a head and became bigger than Ben Hur. 

The result is instead of manning up and putting his sister and mum back in their boxes, and telling them to stay in their respective lanes, he did nothing. He has thrown me under the bus on more than one occasion since and actually told me that I shouldn't have said anything. Are you fkn serious mate?? I am not standing by and taking that BS - it wasn't the first time either.

Recently, one of my brothers caused an issue for my husband and I shut him down (my brother) instantly. Because I have my husbands back, always. He noticed too, and was a li'l bit proud, lol.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband now speaks to his mum on the phone only a couple of times a year - they live 20 minutes away. He doesn't speak to his sister at all.

If he had just addressed it at the time, they may have been able to salvage their relationship. I hope he does so before one of his parents dies. I keep telling him he needs to do something, but he just doesn't do it. Nothing else I can do. 

I've not seen or spoken to any of them in over 5 years, with the exception of once last year when my husband was in hospital, they arrived as I was leaving. That's it. I don't plan to ever be in their company again.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

This isn't a SIL issue, or a MIL issue, this is a marital issue. Your husband needs to man up and be your HUSBAND before he's her brother. He needs to protect you. 

I just read further and saw that your husband wasn't there for you during your hard times, and even didn't speak to you sometimes to punish you. His behavior was cruel, and I'm so sorry that you struggled with loss and post partum depression AND his abusive behavior. It's not his sister, his whole family sounds off. I would consider a plan B just in case this resumes (him being cruel to you when you need him) by saving up secretly on the side, but if you think there is a chance of him redeeming himself, at the same time ask him to support you with his family and try to work on things. Then, based on what happens, make the best choice for yourself and kids.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Are you financially dependent on your husband?

This as come up over and over on Dr Phil over the years. Basically, it's your husband's job to protect you from his family - and he failed. He failed, so you had to protect yourself. 

You've been very patient with her and the entire family (especially your husband).

You asked nicely and that didn't work - so you were forced (by your husband's inaction) to take it to another level.

IMO, you need to have zero contact with her ... and she should never enter your home. 
If you give an inch - she takes a mile. Stop giving an inch.

If you're now considering divorce as a potential option, talk to an attorney about how divorce will impact you and what is the best strategy for your situation. 

Knowledge is power and confidence. The first hour for a consultation is usually free.


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## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

that sounds like my sister a little, but she is full on aggressive. If she's a back stabber and is sneaky and you can't have a calm talk with her, you should distance yourself from her. The whole family must be afraid of her and you feel alone. It's a shame that things happen like that, but it takes two to have a relationship. if one doesn't want to cooperate you can't do much else and you need to respect yourself and not bend to her tyranny. 
Sometimes it can help to try a different approach, do the exact opposite of what you feel. Like with my sister, everything is OK as long as I go along with whatever SHE wants. But once I say something that she doesn't like, she freaks out and starts screaming at me and making stuff up. With your SIL, treat her like she's Crazy, be unnaturally nice to her, be like crazy nice but make it seem fake, it's weird but that works with my sister. Like have a huge smile on your face and say things exaggeratedly Happy.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

jennymurdock said:


> that sounds like my sister a little, but she is full on aggressive. If she's a back stabber and is sneaky and you can't have a calm talk with her, you should distance yourself from her. The whole family must be afraid of her and you feel alone. It's a shame that things happen like that, but it takes two to have a relationship. if one doesn't want to cooperate you can't do much else and you need to respect yourself and not bend to her tyranny.
> Sometimes it can help to try a different approach, do the exact opposite of what you feel. Like with my sister, everything is OK as long as I go along with whatever SHE wants. But once I say something that she doesn't like, she freaks out and starts screaming at me and making stuff up. With your SIL, treat her like she's Crazy, be unnaturally nice to her, be like crazy nice but make it seem fake, it's weird but that works with my sister. Like have a huge smile on your face and say things exaggeratedly Happy.


I did that. I think she is used to people being overly nice to her and that's makes her nice. Me being nice to her made her think that we were friends and now I think that she feels betrayed. Its like I can't win with her at all. She is not speaking to me and I think I prefer it that way.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

cwashi04 said:


> I did that. I think she is used to people being overly nice to her and that's makes her nice. Me being nice to her made her think that we were friends and now I think that she feels betrayed. Its like I can't win with her at all. She is not speaking to me and I think I prefer it that way.


How is your relationship with your MIL and FIL? If your MIL and/or FIL understand - could at least ensure your kids have a r/s with their grandparents, while avoiding the SIL & BIL? Come to family gatherings a day earlier, or later? Have a talk with them, laying out why you don't want to see the SIL and what you're not willing to tolerate? (cite specific examples).

I would go easy on your H here... he's in an awkward situation, stuck between his family and his wife. And remember: he didn't do anything, his sister did. 

If you're expecting your H to do something, you need to provide clear objective standards he needs to meet, and be appreciative of him doing them (assuming he does). "Stand up for me"... "put me first" etc. might sound objective, but they're really not in this circumstance (what women and men understand these things to mean are different!)


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> How is your relationship with your MIL and FIL? If your MIL and/or FIL understand - could at least ensure your kids have a r/s with their grandparents, while avoiding the SIL & BIL? Come to family gatherings a day earlier, or later? Have a talk with them, laying out why you don't want to see the SIL and what you're not willing to tolerate? (cite specific examples).
> 
> I would go easy on your H here... he's in an awkward situation, stuck between his family and his wife. And remember: he didn't do anything, his sister did.
> 
> If you're expecting your H to do something, you need to provide clear objective standards he needs to meet, and be appreciative of him doing them (assuming he does). "Stand up for me"... "put me first" etc. might sound objective, but they're really not in this circumstance (what women and men understand these things to mean are different!)


I have great relationships with my MIL and FIL. Its my husband's sister in law, his brother's wife. I understood that he was in an awkward position but he kept putting me in situations to fail. I told him how I felt about her often and how I hated being around her. He would plan things and not tell me, then I'm surprised and thrown off and feeling forced to br around her when I have no clue that I'm about to have to be around her. He blames me for the way things are but not once blames her for her lack of respect. My MIL told me how she basically has had issues with everyone in the family and so she understands, but no one truly understands why I hate being around her so much. I had to explain that she pokes at me and then I get blamed for responding or even just trying to have a conversation with her so I will just stay away. I told my husband that all I really needed from him was to not blame me and to not treat me like am the reason for all of this because I've been nothing but nice. I should have added that he began to exclude me at times too when this all happened initially. All I needed him to do is to was be neutral at the very least but also be honest with her. They all know how she is but she thinks she has power because no one says anything to her about it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TomNebraska said:


> I would go easy on your H here... he's in an awkward situation, stuck between his family and his wife. And remember: *he didn't do anything*, his sister did.
> 
> If you're expecting your H to do something, you need to provide clear objective standards he needs to meet, and be appreciative of him doing them (assuming he does). "Stand up for me"... "put me first" etc. might sound objective, but they're really not in this circumstance (what women and men understand these things to mean are different!)


Exactly - he didn't do anything, and therein lies the problem.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

cwashi04 said:


> I have great relationships with my MIL and FIL. Its my husband's sister in law, his brother's wife. I understood that he was in an awkward position but he kept putting me in situations to fail. I told him how I felt about her often and how I hated being around her. He would plan things and not tell me, then I'm surprised and thrown off and feeling forced to br around her when I have no clue that I'm about to have to be around her. He blames me for the way things are but not once blames her for her lack of respect. My MIL told me how she basically has had issues with everyone in the family and so she understands, but no one truly understands why I hate being around her so much. I had to explain that she pokes at me and then I get blamed for responding or even just trying to have a conversation with her so I will just stay away. I told my husband that all I really needed from him was to not blame me and to not treat me like am the reason for all of this because I've been nothing but nice. I should have added that he began to exclude me at times too when this all happened initially. All I needed him to do is to was be neutral at the very least but also be honest with her. They all know how she is but she thinks she has power because no one says anything to her about it.


I think - assuming this is the only serious issue in your marriage - you're giving your SIL too much power here. 

Having your H plan things without talking to you is another discussion. You need to have a calm discussion about that; ask him why he can't give you a head's up. Or maybe ignore him, and talk to your MIL, and ask her to let you know if she;'s planning a gathering, since you want to prepare well, and your H never lets you know til the last minute. 

I am not defending your H's inaction, just playing devil's advocate here... I hate to think a single nasty person outside the relationship could totally disrupt an otherwise happy marriage. Maybe if he's shown he can't bother to care about this as much as you do, leave him out of it for now, and try to find ways to cope with your SIL. 

As far as your SIL... what exactly is she doing? Like is she physically intimidating you? Openly insulting you? Or are her remarks catty, but things a guy might normally dismiss? Like would she comment that your purse is "nice, but so last season"?

Can you just ignore her? Look for an ally among your H's extended family to commiserate with? 

Also, I've found sometimes when nasty people are doing their thing, just let them stew... don't respond to their questions. Smile at them and ignore them. Get them angry enough to explode, and then other people start to see the situation for what it is. Give them enough rope to hang themselves.


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> I think - assuming this is the only serious issue in your marriage - you're giving your SIL too much power here.
> 
> Having your H plan things without talking to you is another discussion. You need to have a calm discussion about that; ask him why he can't give you a head's up. Or maybe ignore him, and talk to your MIL, and ask her to let you know if she;'s planning a gathering, since you want to prepare well, and your H never lets you know til the last minute.
> 
> ...


Before I went through that whole mental breakdown, I could totally ignore her. After I lost my mom and post pardum depression, I couldn't anymore. She likes to poke, she projects her insecurities onto others and also tries to play on their insecurities. She got mad that I offered my BIL, her husband, a drink in my house. I guess she felt the need to retaliate by sitting next to my husband with her back to me to show him pictures of the night she went to the strip club. Totally inappropriate and it only bothered me because she knew that if anyone had done that to her, she would have raised hell because she is very insecure. She makes little slick comments, or on FB posts my entire family and the rest of the family that we share but leaves me off. Again, I don't care but she knows that I struggled with feeling excluded before and she uses every opportunity to try to make me feel excluded in every way. I dont care but what bothers me is the fact that she doesn't stop. She tries anything that she can to make me feel the way she feels and thats whats frustrating. She played on my emotions knowing that I was mentally and emotional unstable due to what I was dealing with and that's why I think she is the devil, that's very evil. Im in a better place now and can ignore if I have to be around her but I just choose to not be.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

cwashi04 said:


> Before I went through that whole mental breakdown, I could totally ignore her. After I lost my mom and post pardum depression, I couldn't anymore. She likes to poke, she projects her insecurities onto others and also tries to play on their insecurities. She got mad that I offered my BIL, her husband, a drink in my house. I guess she felt the need to retaliate by sitting next to my husband with her back to me to show him pictures of the night she went to the strip club. Totally inappropriate and it only bothered me because she knew that if anyone had done that to her, she would have raised hell because she is very insecure. She makes little slick comments, or on FB posts my entire family and the rest of the family that we share but leaves me off. Again, I don't care but she knows that I struggled with feeling excluded before and she uses every opportunity to try to make me feel excluded in every way. I dont care but what bothers me is the fact that she doesn't stop. She tries anything that she can to make me feel the way she feels and thats whats frustrating. She played on my emotions knowing that I was mentally and emotional unstable due to what I was dealing with and that's why I think she is the devil, that's very evil. Im in a better place now and can ignore if I have to be around her but I just choose to not be.


Facebook (and social media in general) really suck. I'm glad I'm not on them. I guess that makes frequent contact with her inevitable.

How often do you actually visit with them though? Do they live nearby? 

She sounds like a nightmare, but I still feel like it would be better if you could just let her make a fool of herself by trying to get under your skin and failing. 

Showing your H pictures of her at a strip club? What a moron. Hopefully your H thought so too...


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## cwashi04 (Jun 14, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> Facebook (and social media in general) really suck. I'm glad I'm not on them. I guess that makes frequent contact with her inevitable.
> 
> How often do you actually visit with them though? Do they live nearby?
> 
> ...


No, that's the problem. Nobody wants to admit that her behavior is obnoxious unless its directed at them. She doesn't speak to my anymore after I unfriended her on FB!lol


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