# Venting



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

My husband had a flat tire that he couldn't repair himself so he took it in. They let him know that they couldn't repair it, but that they'd try to find a used one for him. They called him while he was at work to say that he couldn't find one of the same size. He called me and asked if I could pick it up. 

Me: Are you going to do something with the tire today?
Him: I'm going to go to a junkyard and try to find a hubcap and another tire.
Me: Oh, so you need the tire before you go to compare the size?
Him: No, I'm going right after work. I don't need the tire.
Me: Then I'd rather pick it up tomorrow when I don't have all three children. 
Him (with an attitude): Never mind. I thought you could help. I'll do it myself. Thanks anyway. 

I'm just shocked that he lost his cool. He didn't explain to me why he needed the tire or say that it was important for me to get it done today. At this point I'm sitting there (maybe 10 literal seconds pass) unsure how to respond. He hung up. 

I gave it a few minutes and called back. 

Me (calmly): What was that about?
Him: What?
Me: You completely lost your cool.
Him: No I didn't.
Me: Why did you hang up? 
Him: Because you stopped talking!
Me: So why is it important that I get the tire today? 
Him: (getting increasingly louder): It's not THEIR responsibility to keep our tire! I doubt they'd want to hold it. The same people might not even be there tomorrow! 
Me: You're going to have to stop talking to me like that if we're going to continue this conversation. 
Him: I don't even know why we're talking about this, you said you wouldn't do it! 

I wanted to point out that I didn't say I wouldn't, just that I'd rather do it tomorrow. If it was important to him I would have picked it up today. It felt like he was purposefully putting words into my mouth. He denies being rude and blames me for him hanging up. Before I would have tried to rectify things by repeating my original words and offer to go pick it up. Instead I just said, "Alright, I'll talk to you later!" and let it go. 

I'm just not sure if I should have given in like I usually would and do it. I've been not reacting to his rudeness for a while now and/or pointing it out and walking away. That keeps the situations from escalating, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything for him. He still blames me for his actions. 

I want to be with this man. He has so many amazing qualities. When is he going to start taking responsibility for how he responds to things?


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

I would've done it or say, "It's kind of hard to lug around our 3 kids so is there anyway we can do that tomorrow when I don't have the kids? I mean, I can go today but you know how it is with the kids..."

Not using kids as an excuse here! But, sometimes when I am stuck with the kids and my husband asks for a favor, I remind him how difficult it is and he always understands.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you looked at how you can change how you interact with him? Asking, not saying you are the one that needs to change, but I notice things in the dialogue that I can see myself getting frustrated with.

Was it really that big a deal to not have to take the kids with you? For me ** for me personally** it sounds more like you just don't want to do it in the first place. Not saying that was your intent, but that is probably how I would have perceived it. Then ten second silence, I might have hung up too. Probably thought we were done talking. 

I think your constantly asking him "why" probably made him feel like you were second guessing him. Honestly, I only respond one of two ways when my hubby asks me to do something like that. Yes or no LOL. 

Again, not saying this is on you, just saying how I can sorta see his side of this conversation. Maybe I relate to it better.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Ok...I guess I'm stupid. I don't know why the tire had to be picked up in the first place. If they couldn't fix it, that meant it was toast. I don't know about where you live, but around here they dispose of tires like that. Some places charge a fee, some don't. All he needed were the numbers off the tire. 

I would have just asked him if it could wait until tomorrow, when I didn't have the kids. Dragging 3 kids out to get a tire doesn't set my world on fire. 

And truthfully, I wouldn't have called him back. If he said to never mind, that's exactly what I would have done and not given it a second thought. If he got mad, so be it. I don't fear someone getting angry at me anymore. 

Just keep not responding. It'll get easier and you'll get better at it as you go along. I don't know how you're going to get him to take responsibility for how he responds to things...he'd have to see that his responses are inappropriate (if they are) in the first place. 

Is this the same guy who got upset over paying for gas, or do I have you confused with someone else?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Is this the same guy who got upset over paying for gas, or do I have you confused with someone else?


That was tobio.

WhereamI, my H is similarly snippy, impatient, and indirect with things like this. 
I would've been irritated too, BUT I don't think that irritation would serve me well. 

Like someone above said, I've found that when my H asks me a question, the best thing is first a direct one-word answer if possible. I can see how it frustrated HIM to ask you to do something, and then your response was a question, instead of a yes or no right off the bat.

That wouldn't have frustrated me, my mom, or any of my sisters...but my H and my dad would've responded like your husband did. Know what I mean?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Was it really that big a deal to not have to take the kids with you? For me ** for me personally** it sounds more like you just don't want to do it in the first place. Not saying that was your intent, but that is probably how I would have perceived it. Then ten second silence, I might have hung up too. Probably thought we were done talking.



No, that's why I asked why he needed it today (he didn't) before I said I'd rather do it tomorrow. Naturally it's easy to go without three kids, but sometimes ya just have to roll with it. I was willing to go. 

I appreciate you sharing your point of view. Perhaps I just need to get my ENTIRE thought process out before giving him a chance to speak, like Moonangel suggested. I appreciate you sharing your POV! 

As for him hanging up, that's just bad manners. If either one of us ever stops talking we say, "We're not saying much. I'll talk to you later!" I understand people have different phone habits, but ours are pretty set in stone.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

WhereAmI said:


> No, that's why I asked why he needed it today (he didn't) before I said I'd rather do it tomorrow. Naturally it's easy to go without three kids, but sometimes ya just have to roll with it. I was willing to go. I understand that, I have two kids myself and a lot of things are easier if I can do it without having to take them with, but I can see how it would put him in the wrong frame of mind when you said it.
> 
> I appreciate you sharing your point of view. Perhaps I just need to get my ENTIRE thought process out before giving him a chance to speak, like Moonangel suggested. I appreciate you sharing your POV! I honestly do think he just got that "why can't you just do it instead of asking for 10 explanations" mode. I get like that sometimes. I'm not usually very moody about it, but it happens.
> 
> As for him hanging up, that's just bad manners. If either one of us ever stops talking we say, "We're not saying much. I'll talk to you later!" I understand people have different phone habits, but ours are pretty set in stone.


 Are your phone habits set in stone or are both of you on the same page with i? Honestly, in the age of the cell phone, I probably hang up or get hung up on from lost signals ten times a day, or so I think LOL


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