# "I love you, but I don't want to be your partner"



## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Those words sting, but I needed to hear them. I have finally accepted that my husband is done and is never coming back. I cried my eyes out that night, and was in a daze the next day. My heart feels physical pain.

Sometimes, things just don't make sense, and there is nothing you can do about it. It is best for me to go through with the divorce while we are still cordial and agree about the separation of assets.

I just don't know how to get past the love that I still feel for him and mourn the loss of family that we will never have together.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

After two months and some counseling, I feel that I've progressed from grief to a bit of anger, although not totally. I don't think you quite get over it, but you get through it. What helped me the most was seeking help, which in itself was hard to do.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I vary from anger to sadness. I guess in time that will change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

Those words hurt so much. I heard a few variations of them, "I'm not sure I ever loved you" and "I can't love you the same way you love me." As you can tell from my other posts, I still have not let go although she apparently has. I envy you women on these forums. I wish a woman loved me as much as you women love your STBXH's


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can't foresee any circumstance that would require this kind of drama. My own plan is to arrange things carefully to end our marriage in a little less than 2 years. At point there won't be any speeches, famous last words, tear stained Hallmark moments or last regrets. I can't for the life of me think of anything useful or even poignant that would come from that statement. All that will be said then is "So we're done now, here's the draft paperwork so make your redlines on it and we'll proceed from there." And let's be honest here, when your marriage is circling the drain is it really going to be a shock to either of you when it finally formally ends? I doubt it unless you're harboring some industrial grade denial. 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you..."

Really? So being a angry miserable sexless clinically paranoid narcissist control freak with a martyr complex was what, how you express that? Good to know.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

At least you both are being cordial about the divorce...

I wish I could have been so lucky. Not only did she rip out my heart, but she was verbally abusive and showing some pretty gruesome insanity that came with it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> At least you both are being cordial about the divorce...
> 
> I wish I could have been so lucky. Not only did she rip out my heart, but she was verbally abusive and showing some pretty gruesome insanity that came with it.


I have no idea how she feels about it. This will take quite a bit of careful planning so as to avoid her likely psychotic meltdown attack. She may very well behave as you describe. I don't care.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Yeah, we are very cordial. It's just a shame that he doesn't want to even try. I deserve someone that wants to fight for me, fight for our marriage.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

talkitout said:


> Those words hurt so much. I heard a few variations of them, "I'm not sure I ever loved you" and "I can't love you the same way you love me." As you can tell from my other posts, I still have not let go although she apparently has. I envy you women on these forums. I wish a woman loved me as much as you women love your STBXH's



I've heard those too. Then, I found evidence of inappropriate contact between her and another man. You would think that she would initiate the separation (she did) and file for divorce.

However, I filed in the heat of the moment. And now, I'm the one pursuing and doing anything in order to save the marriage. She is attending counseling with me. I take that as a positive, even though she says there is a very small chance of reconciliation. 

It hurts.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Amazing how common it is for some STBXs to not even want to try to work it out to see where it goes. Hilly2, your situation sounds like mine. Only, we have 3 kids (4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 1) and he THEN decided to tell me he NEVER loved me. WOW. How about before we got married? Or before our first kid? Why after 15 years and 3 kids? Leaving me a single mom while he's got his bachelor pad. Kinda feel like a fool for not knowing this man I've been with for 15 years didn't even love me. Wow, what a daze I must've been in...

Your heart hurts terribly now, but it gets easier. I promise you it does. It's been 4 months since we separated and 3 weeks since I finally gave him what he wanted. Mediation in 3 weeks, divorce in November. I was a TRAIN WRECK for the first couple of months, good days started coming, but I still have low points. I've been in IC and support group and it helps tremendously. 

Focus on yourself, get out, have some fun, it gets better. I promise!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Wildflower, how old are you and stbx?


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

He'll be 35, I'll be 34. What he's said to me sounds like classic MLC. I mean the stuff that comes out of his mouth are like direct quotes from all the articles and books I've read. But, I could be wrong...


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> He'll be 35, I'll be 34. What he's said to me sounds like classic MLC. I mean the stuff that comes out of his mouth are like direct quotes from all the articles and books I've read. But, I could be wrong...


From what I have been reading it can hit that early 35 is on the young side but yep... could be. Check out midlifeforum.com and maybe you can find some wisdom there. 

I have seen 35-55 for men, usually it's 40-55. I worried about H turning 40 but he did it so well w/ such grace... it wasn't 40 that hit him/us hard.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

That's where mine started, ILYBINILWY. After 28 years married, really? And tells me he isn't sure he ever loved me,REALLY? Two kids, 2 homes, countless vacations, lovemaking, family holidays, you name it. And he is 53. But none of that matters. If he says so, thats all that matters. Now all we can do is our best to try to get along and get through this.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

madaboutlove said:


> That's where mine started, ILYBINILWY. After 28 years married, really? And tells me he isn't sure he ever loved me,REALLY? Two kids, 2 homes, countless vacations, lovemaking, family holidays, you name it. And he is 53. But none of that matters. If he says so, thats all that matters. Now all we can do is our best to try to get along and get through this.


Freakin' insane! MLC... stinks!
MAYBE this explains why women in their 40s are looking for younger men! 

I was thinking last night about this... Do I really want to ever get involved w/ someone in their 40s/50s and have to go through this again!?


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I am not even thinking about how old the man should be, just that he doesn't bring a lot of baggage and is willing to be supportive of me. Or maybe just wants to be with me and to make me happy. I think I will start there, after 30 years of playing second fiddle, I want to be number 1.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

My MLC hit at 42, you know what I did? I got my haircut and a tattoo. He's having a MLC that started two years ago at 48 and so far he's had at least one EA, and flirts plenty on FB, is into internet porn, on a health kick trying to find himself. I hope his computer keeps him warm at night and gives him what he "needs".


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

you both are being cordial about the divorce. That only is happening better for both of you. It happens sometimes, when your partner says that he can't love you as you love him. But it's good because at least you get familiar to truth. These circumstances tells you that you must get over your past....


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