# so hurt and lost



## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

my partner of ten yrs started staying out overnight about 8-9 wks ago not coming home after work until the next morning the first couple of times i thought nothing of it as it was with a woman we both know and is also 15 yrs older than him he said he was just having a couple of drinks in her house and didnt realise the time and fell asleep on her sofa and next thing it wasmorning,after about the third time this happened i got this gut feeling in my stomach that something just wasnt right about this, i asked what was going on if anything only to br told they were just friend and he enjoyed her company, this is a strange situation we have a bar and this person has been a customer for yrs and now all of a sudden he and she are busom buddies, i also noticed that she didnt come into the bar as much if i was there whereas before she would pop in and out on a regular basis, the crunch came one night my partner was on the day shift an i on the evening shift so hecmae home we had some food together and i went to wk when i came home that night the place was empty i texted my partner an no ans then i rang an he answered and said he was up in this womans house having a drink i hung up, next day we were both working together and the air was very strained to say the least that evening i told him to leave he did i avoided him for a couple of days, didnt tell anybody what had happened i was so angry, he came over to the house a while later i had such a rage with him and ran amok again he left, we tried to do opposite shifts so as not to run into one another, i have to say i did send some nasty and vicious texts and emails, we had a dog that we have had for 9yrs and she took sick all of a sudden we both were bringing her to the vet nightly once or twice he stayed overnight on sofa her condition got worse and i had to make a decision to get her put asleep i got the vet to the house we were both there and he put her asleep both of us were very upset, he said he was going to supermarket and would be back in a little bit he didnt arrive back till the next night again i told him to leave i couldnt believe it that this was the same person that i loved and said supposidly loved me, very little contact for another wk i stayed at home didnt go out, one night we went out together ended up back at home i was going to bed and said are you coming in he said in a few mins was a bit tense situation about an hour later i got up he was asleep on sofa i screamed at him to get out felt he didnt want to be there my emotions were wild he left , next morning i went looking for him i was sorry for throwing him out in the middle of the night and felt guilty, being honest idont know howi felt or feel, we had arrangment made mths before togo to a function two days later we went he ended up staying with me we stayed in the same bed didnt have anysexual relationship next morning he left for wk, i asked him later that day was he coming home hesaid no he was going to his own place an apartment he has rented that was 3days ago, today he had to come over to the house for something i sais we needed to talk and i asked for the truth was he having an affair he said no and there never was an affair,iasked him to tell me truthfully what was going on he said he thinks he had some tipe of breakdown i asked was he happy on his own and he said that he was quite enjoying the freedom of not having to answer to anybody most days and having some fun for a change but some days he missed me, im looking at this person and am in shock feel physically sick, i asked him did he want to stay overnight he said no he wanted to go to his own place , he said he would come over tomorrow evening for a chat wether he does or not remains to be seen, am i going mad whats happening i really dont know, he still says he is not having an affair emotionial or otherwise i feel so unsure , lost heartbroken cant eat or sleep feel my heart in breaking in two, im sorry this is a very long post its the first time i have said anything aabout this since it happened, he said tonight he still loves me but need some time, time for what


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

I think you already know he is having an affair unfortunately. Here comes the hard part, you have to stop contacting him until he owns up and comes clean. He isn't showing you any respect and spending the night at another woman's house??? One time is too many but multiple times definitely unacceptable. Would he tolerate that from you, no. You have nothing to apologize for, you have every right to be angry, hurt, question and communicate that to him. You are his wife! I would stop calling, texting, emailing or whatever until he snaps out of his 'breakdown', comes clean, and puts forth an effort to make amends with you. He says he misses you ... Make him miss you more, do not be so accessible to him. Call him and tell him no need to come over for talk as something has come up and you had to make other plans. 

I'm sorry because it seems like so much to have to tolerate and I expect your pain is terrible.
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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

Act now, do not let it go on any longer. It will only get worse for your feelings if you don't act now.


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

thanks for the replies and support, when he said that he was quite enjoying having his own place and not living here you could have knocked me down with a feather, i said to him that maybe i did him a favour and gave him the way out when i asked him to leave and wonder what would have happened had i have not asked him to leave, whenever i go on and question him about this other woman he gets very defensive of her, he says she didnt do anything and that she does not know that we have seperated, when i asked him whats so interesting to talk about with her all night he said just stuff and that they just get on very well together, and that i was being stupid thinking anything was going on between the 2 of them and that SHE didnt see any harm in it, i asked him did she not find it a bit strange him staying over with her considering i am at home on my own he said that maybe SHE thought thats what he did all the time, i hate her


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

at the beginning when i was ranting and raving about him staying out all night..... he said in her spare room or her sofa... he turned around and said to me that people need other friends not just their partners, and yesterday when i said to him that we were a month seperated he said it didnt feel that long, well i tell you it did to me feels like an eternity, every min feels like an hour days drag


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

marcat said:


> at the beginning when i was ranting and raving about him staying out all night..... he said in her spare room or her sofa... he turned around and said to me that people need other friends not just their partners, and yesterday when i said to him that we were a month seperated he said it didnt feel that long, well i tell you it did to me feels like an eternity, every min feels like an hour days drag


Of course people needs friends other than their partners, but play dates and sleep overs usually end in elementary school. He knows you miss him so he thinks he can have his cake and eat it. Show him he can't! Show him if life goes on for him, then it goes on for you too. It's the perfect time for you to concentrate on yourself. It's hard, I know, to not have contact but please trust me, you will benefit in the end. You will be a stronger woman, feel more independent, and something tells me he will be at your doorstep begging for reconciliation. But even if he does not, you still will be a better self to handle that too. He has no reason to come home and end things because he knows you aren't going anywhere. Give him a reason.
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