# Is it difficult to modify a divorce decree?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Long time since I've been on. I have a question about how difficult it may be to modify my decree.

I'm approaching 3 yrs since my divorce and I've always had a few things I would like to change on my decree. My decree is not exactly set to my state's(Texas) Standard and one of the things I foolishly agreed on back then was the length of time my kids visit their mom during the summer (long distance). Instead of 42 days (standard), they see her for 60 days with a week for me to visit in the middle. So it's 30 days with their mom, then 7 days I fly up to visit and back for another 30 days with her. Since she lives in Minnesota, the travel expenses I incur traveling to see the kids has weighed on me. And after 3 years, there's nothing else in Minnesota I would like to see (except for my kids of course).
I would like to change it to the standard 42 days in the summer with their mom. 
Since I have the summers off like my kids(educator), I would love for them to travel with me and experience other parts of our country and even world. But I can't. The kids leave right after my school contract is up and they return when I'm already back to school preparing for the new school year. A coworker suggested having the kids live with mom and I get them in the summers. Ha! Never in a million years! So, I know I have a better scenario spending more time with my kids and I fear this request sounds too damn selfish. It's just unfortunate that I have little vacation time with my kids and would like to change it so it's more significant and meaningful.

I can try discussing this with my EX, but she's very stubborn about the kids visitation. And she feels this is the only area that she has the upper hand. Sad, I know. But I figure it's still worth a shot. 
Anyways, I worry I may not have a chance getting it modified, because I've heard that the courts want to see a "substantial change of circumstances".


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

And one more thing, my EX was told she can deduct her travel expenses when flying the kids back and forth from her gross pay, thus reducing her child support payments. WTF?!? Is this true? 

As for the long distance circumstances, she quit her job and left the kids and I before we divorced (basically abandoned us) and started looking for work up in Minnesota several months later. So it wasn't like the kids and I left her or her job relocated her. 

Yet, she is rewarded for this decision by the State of Texas? Surely, she must be mistaken??


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Houstondad said:


> And one more thing, my EX was told she can deduct her travel expenses when flying the kids back and forth from her gross pay, thus reducing her child support payments. WTF?!? Is this true?
> 
> As for the long distance circumstances, she quit her job and left the kids and I before we divorced (basically abandoned us) and started looking for work up in Minnesota several months later. So it wasn't like the kids and I left her or her job relocated her.
> 
> Yet, she is rewarded for this decision by the State of Texas? Surely, she must be mistaken??


I have no clue about the answers to your questions, but it's a shame that you can't just work this out informally with her . (Meaning, it's a shame she isn't nicer about it). 

I didn't think child support or anything related to it was "deductible" at all....???


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I have no clue about the answers to your questions, but it's a shame that you can't just work this out informally with her . (Meaning, it's a shame she isn't nicer about it).
> 
> I didn't think child support or anything related to it was "deductible" at all....???


It's not deductible in my state. 

Houstondad,

Why not talk with domestic relations or another entity in your state? They may help you see your child more. Modifying the agreement would be great. Some lawyer from your county in Texas or a state's website would help. Good luck. Sometimes you can modify visitation rights without modifying the support order.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> It's not deductible in my state.
> 
> Houstondad,
> 
> Why not talk with domestic relations or another entity in your state? They may help you see your child more. Modifying the agreement would be great. Some lawyer from your county in Texas or a state's website would help. Good luck. Sometimes you can modify visitation rights without modifying the support order.


Yeah 2ndtime, I was shocked as well. 
Modify visitation rights....that's it! That's all I'm asking, nothing more. Just my state's standard.
I'll start asking around and see what I can find out. Thanks 2ntnuf.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I am not from TX, but in this state, if you cannot prove a significant change, you can not modify. So, since you agreed to this arrangement and nothing has changed, you would not be able to get the modification.

As for the travel expenses being deducted from income, according to this website, Welcome to TX Access, this would not be allowable.

ETA: According to the rules they mention, you would not be able to modify the order most likely. It says "that the circumstances of the child, a conservator or a party affected by the order have materially and substantially changed since the order was signed by the court."


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I believe most states, Texas included allow for a modification of custody/visitation upon a substantial change of circumstances. But lots of states, Texas I know, will listen to the desires of a child 12 and up. The child's wishes are not guaranteed to result in a change, but the judge's listen to them. I think you have an uphill battle since you have primary physical custody and are seeking additional summer visitation.
Travel expenses to visit the child is a factor the court can consider in deviating from the guidelines. Best to speak with a Texas attorney to see how to minimize the impact


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Truthfully, my first wife would take my kids to another city about ninety miles away for the summer. They left, if I remember correctly, the next to last week of school with permission and went to her mother's place to stay for a weekend with them. They didn't come home until the week or two weeks before school started, so they could go shop for clothes. I had no clue where they were at specifically. I knew what city and state. I had no clue how to reach them. I had no phone number. The hearing master at the child support hearings, did not care. I kept paying more support as time went on. I complained to my ex. I would cry myself to sleep because I missed them. I thought we could have more time together in the summer, since I wasn't as busy. Can't remember if I was just done with school or what. There was something. It's been too long. 

Of course, all they knew was that daddy didn't want to see them or he would find a way. Well, I tried, but they were too hurt and angry to ask much, and too little to understand that if no one wants you to know, you will not know. How do you explain that when they think you love them and can do anything and you aren't seeing them because you don't want or love them? How do you cope with that sadness and guilt? Yeah, guilt because you are their daddy and should be able to do "anything". 

Please don't hurt their mother. Please? I don't see my children. They still don't understand any of this. There was no money for me to hire an attorney. My child support was set so that it took into account any overtime I worked. I was financially crippled and had to work extra to make ends meet. I had no way to fight for them, and even if I could have them, I had no money to spend on them except for basic care. 

Please don't hurt your children. Please? Mine are 29D with children I don't know or see, and almost 25S and I don't know anything about his life. Even if she is mentally ill, there is a way to tell the children and still let them see her and do things with her. There is always a way. My first wife was behind much of my problems that I did not cause myself, since we met when I was 15, almost 16 years old. I am coming up on 53. That's a lifetime that she has negatively affected me in any way she could, including inserting herself into my second marriage to help destroy it with 30 years old stories that weren't relevant any more, but drove off the love of my life, x2. 

Please think very hard about what you are doing, before you do anything. Help to make your children's lives the best they can be.

Sorry. I triggered badly because it's Easter and... well, sorry. Just take it for what it's worth to you. I don't mean to suggest there is anything nefarious going on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If both parties are amenible to the modifications and can so indicate by simply signing off on it and then submitting it to the presiding judge, all without calling a hearing ~ then it's all good!

Whenever it's contested and needs a hearing is when it's going to get sticky ~ as well as being ultra-expensive, and largely to placate the lawyers endless penchants for financing!*


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It depends on your state. In my state if you have a GOOD bulldog attorney, THIS clause is inserted in the decree, which your spouse (with a LESSER bulldog attorney) then signs:

"The court RETAINS NO JURISDICTION over this agreement, or the terms agreed to herewith."

Which means, the court CANNOT and will not make changes under any circumstances. The court has signed away any rights to intercede. Scour your document for any such clause.

In my state, it's a way to stop deadbeat spouses from petitioning "new terms" and clogging up the dockets over and over. Not sure about Texas law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You could file a Motion to Modify.

You would most likely spend $2-5k and you would most likely lose.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

This :iagree:

I knew my XWW would try to come back at me years down the road for more money. I made sure our settlement agreement was Non-modifiable.

One of the smartest things I ever did.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Be careful what you agree to. It's hard to change it unless you can show significant change of circumstances.

I'm going through that right now. 

You may have to live with bad choices made during your time of upheaval.

She cannot change her child support amounts without an order from the court.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

2ntnuf- Sorry I hit a nerve man and I think I hit a nerve with most dads on here. It was never my intention to try to be unfair to their mom. 
I'm not trying to take our kids from their mom. Their mom moved to Minnesota during her affair. Not because of work, but because she wanted to be closer to the OM and swim in alcohol. Being away from family and friends allows you to do that. 
Anyways, she abandoned her family. 
I divorced her and she preferred to stay far away. I tried over and over to get her to come back so she could be close to them. I got counselors, her dad, family involved. With no luck.....

Would I prefer she lived close so she can see the kids more often? Believe it or not, yes!
I just wish I could spend legitimate vacation time with my kids, but I can't when she's flying them up or flying down every holiday. Some may think it's nice to be just a holiday "parent", like my EX apparently does. How convenient, eh?

I haven't run away from the responsibilities of raising my kids. All I ask is a week or two holiday with my kids. 
I just would like what the state sees as fair. Nothing more.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> 2ntnuf- Sorry I hit a nerve man and I think I hit a nerve with most dads on here. It was never my intention to try to be unfair to their mom.
> I'm not trying to take our kids from their mom. Their mom moved to Minnesota during her affair. Not because of work, but because she wanted to be closer to the OM and swim in alcohol. Being away from family and friends allows you to do that.
> Anyways, she abandoned her family.
> I divorced her and she preferred to stay far away. I tried over and over to get her to come back so she could be close to them. I got counselors, her dad, family involved. With no luck.....
> ...


No problem. Been through my share of crap and could not forgive myself if I didn't say something. It was a trigger for fear that day. 

I hope you can get a week. I wanted to see mine more every summer, but their mother took them to their grandmother's and never gave me a phone number or address. I cried myself to sleep some nights. I thought I would have more time with them in the summer when they were off of school. I wanted them more than just the ordered time. I paid so much in child support, I was unable to hire a lawyer to challenge what she was doing. I suspect the master knew what she was doing, but I don't know. It would have had to go before a judge. I figured I could get what I wanted, but they might force me to do more than I was able. I was in school at the time and working full time. It was a mess. It continued till they were no longer in school. I never got the chance to change anything, and they believe to this day, I just didn't want them. It has been a source of pain for me for twenty years. I had to force myself not to care for them as much. It's very painful. Glad you took it the way you did. I didn't mean to accuse. I guess I went through too much.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry, HD. You may just have to rely on spring break or other long weekends to travel with your kids. Can you use the week to venture to nearby states? As was mentioned, once they are pre-teens, judges will often listen to the kids. 

It's worth the consultation fee to talk to your attorney again about this.


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