# Wife wants to end marriage; I do not



## GAR

2nd marriage, married 10 years, dated 5 years before we go married. I was raised by a verbally abusive father. He beat my mother often and yelled at me often. Counseling before we met helped me realize how I protected myself as a child, how I put up walls, how I shut down. I thought I was healthy and ready for a marriage. 

I have carried this into my marriage. Under stress and in the heat of an anrgument I yell, scream, curse and call my wife names, horrible names. I always felt bad afterwards. If I could "timeout" myself I was able to control it though after a while my wife got annoyed with timeouts. I shut down when I am hurt, sometimes for days. 

I did the same thing in my first marriage. I was young, 22, marriage last 2 years, and honestly I did not want to be married. 

We tried marriage counseling 3 years ago. In my opinion the theapist was trying to fix symptons versus root cause analysis. 

She recently said she has had enough, that she no longer loves me and wants to end. I tried talking to her over a weeks period, I tried small changes like cooking dinners (she always cooked), trying to get us to a calm state. She said it felt fake and was not real. She has said it's too little too late, that she is done.

The more we talked the more I could see her anger and pain so I moved out, into a hotel. She has agreed to counseling, but only to help me and only a few visits, she no longer wants to be married.

I cannot tell if her current state, pain, hurt, anger, is talking or if she really wants this. I do not know if time will heal her wounds and we may have a chance then. 

I do not want a divorce; I want her to be happy and safe though. My struggle now is do I just leave her alone, zero communication, and wait? My friends and family suggest I send flowers, love notes, continue to tell her how sorry I am. I have done a little of this with no response other than "too little too late". 

In my opinion my wife and I could never get to a calm state in recent years and it was always fight or flight for us. I know this is my fault. I did not know how to stop and I did not know how to break the cycle. 

So, what do I do? My fear is if I do not contact her she will "forget about me" and in her current state of mind, where she feels relieved, calm, relaxed, and we will divorce. If, however I can somehow get us to a state where the pain starts to reduce, perhaps we can talk and try and she will give counseling a try. I will be typing out an email to her, I save it then end up deleting it because I feel like I should leave her alone. 

I am hurt too, and I sometimes question my feelings; however I know how much I care about her and love her, I want to be married though I also want to respect her decision to end the relationship. 

I am confused and need advice on how to, or if I do, communicate with her now. 



Thanks


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## samjin

Do you have kids? Have you read the Walk away wife syndrome? This is a classic case. I would highly suggest to leave her alone and giver her space. The more you pursue her the more you will push her away. Take this time to work on your self by going to counselling and becoming spiritual and looking within. Become stronger and a better person with no anger issues. She will contact you if she wants to make it work. Getting after her will only make it worse!


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## akcroy

Your post almost brought tears to my eyes. I really feel for you, but you have to understand what your wife has gone through as well. 

If you really, really love your wife you HAVE TO change. There's no turning back. You've messed up big time (no disrespect to your childhood struggles), and the more you try to contact her the more repelled she will be at this point. 

I suggest arrange a meeting somewhere, then tell her you will take up a serious initiative to solve your personal issues, over, say, a three month period. Tell her you would like to meet up with her after that period, so that she can see for herself whether you've really made any progress or not.

During that period, I suggest you take a walk, take up a new hobby - basically anything that calms you down and lets you think more clearly. Get a different therapist, but remember - YOU know your mind better than anybody ever can. YOU have to realize when you're getting violent thoughts, detect that feeling and concoct a defense mechanism to counter it.

Learn to laugh.

Do you know any jokes? Do you appreciate humor in general? Those might be starting points in your approach.

I know this is hard, but you really seem to love your wife, and besides honestly this isn't really a spousal/relationship issue, it's a personal issue you have.

Good luck.


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## GAR

samjin said:


> Do you have kids? Have you read the Walk away wife syndrome? This is a classic case. I would highly suggest to leave her alone and giver her space. The more you pursue her the more you will push her away. Take this time to work on your self by going to counselling and becoming spiritual and looking within. Become stronger and a better person with no anger issues. She will contact you if she wants to make it work. Getting after her will only make it worse!


No Kids, no I have not read the walk away wife syndrome...where can I find that? I am no tpersuing her. I want to send a "good morning" or "hello" email from time to time but even that feels like too much for her right now.


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## Jellybeans

If she wants space, give it to her. You have to respect what hse wants even if you don't agree with it. Cause the more you try to convince her to stay and cry for it, it's going to run her in the opposite direction.

I was married to a very emotionally abusive man. He would call me names, yell, intimidate me. I started resenting him over time. 

Walkway Wife:

_The Walkaway Wife SyndromeTwo-thirds of all 
Published on March 29, 2008 
The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

For the past two decades I have devoted myself to helping couples work out their differences in order to keep their marriages and families together. This marriage-saving passion is not based on religious beliefs nor do I think that divorce is morally wrong. My divorce busting bias is simply based on my firm conviction that the vast majority of problems that people are experiencing when they consider divorce are, without question, solvable. Over the years, I’ve had countless experiences of helping near-the-brink couples reinvest in their marriages and fall back in love again. That being said, there is one particular situation that I find particularly challenging. I refer to it as, “The Walkaway Wife Syndrome.”

Do you know that two-thirds of all the divorces that are filed in our country are filed by women? This is not to say that women take their commitment to their marriages lightly. They don’t. Most women believe that they have tried everything humanly possible to turn things around before throwing in the towel. Nonetheless, women are walking away from their marriages in droves. Why? Although there are a variety of reasons that might account for this mass exiting, there is one reason that, in my mind, stands out above the rest.

During the early years of marriage, a woman tends to be the emotional caretaker of her relationship. She makes certain her marriage remains a priority, insisting on quality time together, meaningful conversation and shared activities. When a woman feels close to her husband, all is right in the world. However, if the marriage takes a back seat to other commitments, she pursues her husband for more connection by having frequent heart-to-heart talks. If these tête-à-têtes are successful, the marriage blossoms. If not, her complaints are no longer confined to her feeling unimportant. She begins to find fault with many other aspects of their relationship. He hears, “If I had known what kind of father you’d be, I never would have had children with you,” or “What can’t you pick up after yourself? You’re just like one of the kids.”

Suffice it to say, these complaints hardly prompt him to want to spend more time with her. And so, she quietly plans her exit strategy. She tells herself, “I’ll leave when my youngest goes to college, or “I’m going to find my soul mate and then I’ll leave this marriage,” or “As soon as I can support myself financially, I’m outta’ here.”

Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages. The absence of complaints has their husbands believing that things have improved; they’re out of the dog house. “No news is good news,” they tell themselves as they obliviously continue to lead separate lives. But then “D-Day” arrives and their wives inform them that the marriages are over, triggering shock and devastation. “Why didn’t you tell me you were this unhappy,” these men protest, words that finally nail the marital coffin shut. It is then that they start to recognize the importance of their wives and their children. They become desperate to save their marriages.

It is said that people don’t change until they hit rock bottom and I can tell you first hand that the bottom doesn’t get any lower than the earth beneath these men’s feet. The threat of divorce generates true soul-searching. These are the men who readily schedule appointments for therapy, sign up for marriage seminars, read every self-help book they can get their hands on, seek spiritual connection and even risk vulnerability by discussing the f-word (feelings) with friends and family. Gradually, they become the husbands these women have been wanting.

But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless, tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands. Every time a near-walkaway wife or her husband enters my office, I’m determined to do what I can to open her heart and mind to see the profound changes in her man. I’m often successful, but I must admit, this is one of the trickiest clinical knots to untie. I’d much prefer that couples really grasped the concept that time together is of utmost importance and that nagging, though well-intended, almost always backfires. That’s why I’m a huge proponent of marriage education. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is another matter. People need information and skills to stay in love. If I had my way, I’d teach myself out of a job._

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome


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## GAR

Jellybeans said:


> If she wants space, give it to her. You have to respect what hse wants even if you don't agree with it. Cause the more you try to convince her to stay and cry for it, it's going to run her in the opposite direction.
> 
> I was married to a very emotionally abusive man. He would call me names, yell, intimidate me. I started resenting him over time.
> 
> Walkway Wife:
> 
> _The Walkaway Wife SyndromeTwo-thirds of all
> Published on March 29, 2008
> The Walkaway Wife Syndrome
> 
> For the past two decades I have devoted myself to helping couples work out their differences in order to keep their marriages and families together. This marriage-saving passion is not based on religious beliefs nor do I think that divorce is morally wrong. My divorce busting bias is simply based on my firm conviction that the vast majority of problems that people are experiencing when they consider divorce are, without question, solvable. Over the years, I’ve had countless experiences of helping near-the-brink couples reinvest in their marriages and fall back in love again. That being said, there is one particular situation that I find particularly challenging. I refer to it as, “The Walkaway Wife Syndrome.”
> 
> Do you know that two-thirds of all the divorces that are filed in our country are filed by women? This is not to say that women take their commitment to their marriages lightly. They don’t. Most women believe that they have tried everything humanly possible to turn things around before throwing in the towel. Nonetheless, women are walking away from their marriages in droves. Why? Although there are a variety of reasons that might account for this mass exiting, there is one reason that, in my mind, stands out above the rest.
> 
> During the early years of marriage, a woman tends to be the emotional caretaker of her relationship. She makes certain her marriage remains a priority, insisting on quality time together, meaningful conversation and shared activities. When a woman feels close to her husband, all is right in the world. However, if the marriage takes a back seat to other commitments, she pursues her husband for more connection by having frequent heart-to-heart talks. If these tête-à-têtes are successful, the marriage blossoms. If not, her complaints are no longer confined to her feeling unimportant. She begins to find fault with many other aspects of their relationship. He hears, “If I had known what kind of father you’d be, I never would have had children with you,” or “What can’t you pick up after yourself? You’re just like one of the kids.”
> 
> Suffice it to say, these complaints hardly prompt him to want to spend more time with her. And so, she quietly plans her exit strategy. She tells herself, “I’ll leave when my youngest goes to college, or “I’m going to find my soul mate and then I’ll leave this marriage,” or “As soon as I can support myself financially, I’m outta’ here.”
> 
> Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages. The absence of complaints has their husbands believing that things have improved; they’re out of the dog house. “No news is good news,” they tell themselves as they obliviously continue to lead separate lives. But then “D-Day” arrives and their wives inform them that the marriages are over, triggering shock and devastation. “Why didn’t you tell me you were this unhappy,” these men protest, words that finally nail the marital coffin shut. It is then that they start to recognize the importance of their wives and their children. They become desperate to save their marriages.
> 
> It is said that people don’t change until they hit rock bottom and I can tell you first hand that the bottom doesn’t get any lower than the earth beneath these men’s feet. The threat of divorce generates true soul-searching. These are the men who readily schedule appointments for therapy, sign up for marriage seminars, read every self-help book they can get their hands on, seek spiritual connection and even risk vulnerability by discussing the f-word (feelings) with friends and family. Gradually, they become the husbands these women have been wanting.
> 
> But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless, tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands. Every time a near-walkaway wife or her husband enters my office, I’m determined to do what I can to open her heart and mind to see the profound changes in her man. I’m often successful, but I must admit, this is one of the trickiest clinical knots to untie. I’d much prefer that couples really grasped the concept that time together is of utmost importance and that nagging, though well-intended, almost always backfires. That’s why I’m a huge proponent of marriage education. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is another matter. People need information and skills to stay in love. If I had my way, I’d teach myself out of a job._
> 
> The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today


I am giving her space, in fact i am not calling or going to the house. I know what i have done to her and i know she needs space and time. 

The intent of my post is to ask do I just stop all contact, 100%? I want to send her flowers, quick hellos, how are you emails, that kind of stuff, nothing that is a re-living the past discussion or would lead to a discussion about us or the past. Is that Ok to do? My concern is by having ANY contact with her I will push her further away. My other concern is by having NO contact with her she will think I do not care plus she will not be able to see any progress I am making. 

Is there ANYTHING I can say to her right now that will help her understand I am 100% comitted to improving myself and 100% comitted to keeping her in a safe and calm place?

She wants me to stay at the house to watch our dogs while she travels for work. i am concerned that will be too painful for me...but maybe it's her way of keep a door open...I do not know. 

As you can tell, i am confused over what is appropriate communication at this point.

I think the Walaway Wife "story" is great...should I share this with her?


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## Jellybeans

NO. DO NOT SHARE THE STORY WITH HER.

Keep that for you.

Have you alrady told her you are willing to do any/everything to improve your marriage? If you have, then she already knows where you stand and the ball is in her court. If you haven't, you could send her flowers telling her that and that you are willing to do marriage counselling with her.


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## Runs like Dog

I've never been confronted by that "I need space" thing and I don't really understand or trust it. What on earth does that mean? To me it means "I want to hang out and do whatever I want w/o you on your dime while you follow behind me with a shovel like the elephant guy at the circus..."


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## GAR

Jellybeans said:


> NO. DO NOT SHARE THE STORY WITH HER.
> 
> Keep that for you.
> 
> Have you alrady told her you are willing to do any/everything to improve your marriage? If you have, then she already knows where you stand and the ball is in her court. If you haven't, you could send her flowers telling her that and that you are willing to do marriage counselling with her.


Yes, I have told her this, I took flowers to the house yesterday. No response from her. 

The article makes sense to me and may help her, why do you think sending it is a bad idea...just curious. She may read it and think "I should try to save my marriage".


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## Jellybeans

^ Ok. Well now she knows where you stand and the ball is in her court. Now you unfortunately just have to bide your time if you want to save the marriage. If she doesn't come around, then you know where her heart is at. 

Try to get some IC for yourself. It could be helpful. Do you think you were verbally abusive to her, talking down to her? Or do you think that is something she just says? Do you see where you have gone wrong and where she has?



Runs like Dog said:


> I've never been confronted by that "I need space" thing and I don't really understand or trust it. What on earth does that mean? To me it means "I want to hang out and do whatever I want w/o you on your dime while you follow behind me with a shovel like the elephant guy at the circus..."


That is my interpretation of "space" as well.


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## GAR

"Try to get some IC for yourself. It could be helpful. Do you think you were verbally abusive to her, talking down to her? Or do you think that is something she just says? Do you see where you have gone wrong and where she has?"

I have scheduld counseling for myself. 

Yes, I was verbally abusive to her. Yes, I talked down to her. Yes I see where I have gone wrong. Her only "wrong" was not telling me about all of the these events and exactly how they were impacting her. I thought I knew, I just did not know how deeply they were impacting her until 2 weekends ago. 

I know why: because she was afraid to talk to me, afraid I would get mad or angry. If I had heard this in a calm, safe for her conversation, trust me I would have woken up and done something with myself, i would have immediately gotten into counseling.

The counselor said Wednesday that when we are yelled at as a child our mind shuts down to protect itself. i think I startred doing that in our marriage even though I was the one yelling.


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## Jellybeans

You should go over why you were verbally abusive in counselling, what made you treat her that way, etc. You should apologize to her if you haven't. My husband said things to me that I will never ever forget for as long as I live. One thing that did make me feel better was not him apologizing for it (cause he never did and I woulda loved that) but he acknowledged to me that he said things that no one under any circumstance should ever say to another human being/animal. So that gave me a little consolation. 

As for her saying she was afraid to talk to you -- I was at that point too. I never knew what would set my ex off so I would just shut down someimtes cause I didn't want to be greeted by the Rage Monster. But I did tell him over and over again how it was effecting me... 

IC is the right thing for you


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## GAR

Jellybeans said:


> You should go over why you were verbally abusive in counselling, what made you treat her that way, etc. You should apologize to her if you haven't. My husband said things to me that I will never ever forget for as long as I live. One thing that did make me feel better was not him apologizing for it (cause he never did and I woulda loved that) but he acknowledged to me that he said things that no one under any circumstance should ever say to another human being/animal. So that gave me a little consolation.
> 
> As for her saying she was afraid to talk to you -- I was at that point too. I never knew what would set my ex off so I would just shut down someimtes cause I didn't want to be greeted by the Rage Monster. But I did tell him over and over again how it was effecting me...
> 
> IC is the right thing for you


I have apologized as I did not mean one word of it..it was all in the heat of the moment, in a rage. I always felt horrible afterwards. I have told her repeatedly I am sorry, that it was never something she did or deserved, that it was me and I want to get help and will get help. She replies with "too little too late".

She told me too she was always afraid of what would set me off, she was walking on eggshells, tip toeing around. Hearing this from my wife makes me sick and I am embarassed. I never fully understood the impact of me words and my shutting down...now I do. I NEVER meant what I said. 

My wife is a wonderful, special, caring, giving person who I love dearly. I will do what it takes to make this work; I am just afraid she is 100% done based on her words. Again, my intent with my post is to ask should I not communicate with her at all and wait for her to reach out, if she ever does? Or should I send her an occassional "How are you" email to let her know I am still here, I am still working, and I care? Should I send flowers, gifts every so often? I am just confused with what I should do now with her...I know what I need to do for me.


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## Sanity

> I have told her repeatedly I am sorry, that it was never something she did or deserved, that it was me and I want to get help and will get help. She replies with "too little too late".





> She told me too she was always afraid of what would set me off, she was walking on eggshells, tip toeing around. Hearing this from my wife makes me sick and I am embarassed.





> I never fully understood the impact of me words and my shutting down...now I do. I NEVER meant what I said.


These three quotes speak volumes and I can give you some perspective because I am living in this nightmare. My wife grew up with abusive crappy parents and she brings that nastiness into our marriage. 

This is going to be harsh but people GET TIRED of being verbally and emotionally abused. It really kills the love we had for the partner and we get to the point where we either cheat or leave you. 

I suspect she is there. You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she is going to divorce you, and yes she might find a loving mentally healthy person. You need to deal with that because you blew it. 

Its time you have an honest conversation with yourself and stop blaming your childhood on your lack of boundaries. Get some help and HEAL brother. Find inner peace, forgive your father, find God, Whatever! but exorcise those demons and get your life together or you will grow old alone and end up in a retirement home lonely and forgotten. I'm praying for you.


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## GAR

Sanity said:


> These three quotes speak volumes and I can give you some perspective because I am living in this nightmare. My wife grew up with abusive crappy parents and she brings that nastiness into our marriage.
> 
> This is going to be harsh but people GET TIRED of being verbally and emotionally abused. It really kills the love we had for the partner and we get to the point where we either cheat or leave you.
> 
> I suspect she is there. You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she is going to divorce you, and yes she might find a loving mentally healthy person. You need to deal with that because you blew it.
> 
> Its time you have an honest conversation with yourself and stop blaming your childhood on your lack of boundaries. Get some help and HEAL brother. Find inner peace, forgive your father, find God, Whatever! but exorcise those demons and get your life together or you will grow old alone and end up in a retirement home lonely and forgotten. I'm praying for you.


Comments about my childhood were not to associate blame, rather to provide history and context. I am getting help. I have started counseling. I moved out. I forgave my father 20 years ago. I am in a hotel and have now found a more permanent home I am moving into this weekend. 

I know I need help, I know I need to learn how to set boundaries and I know my wife is probably done. I hold onto hope though. 

Again, the intent of my post: break off ALL communications with my wife? Or try to say "hello" from time to time with no "marriage" talk? For the women out there who have experienced this, what is your advice?


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## GAR

So my wife continues to come to marriage counsler (2 visits thus far, another one scheduled for next week), but states it's only because she is concerned about me. She has also called me a couple of times because she is concerned about me she says. 

It's confusing to hear "it's over, I am done, I do not want to give you false hope" but then to continue with marriage counseling and even call and email me occassionally. We even spent an afternoon together this weekend when I came over to pick up a few more of my things. I asked her if she wanted me to go, she never replied, we ended up hanging out another hour or so. 

I have not had any "marriage" talk with her; I am intentionally not having these conversatiosn anymore. 

She has started taking pictures of us down at the house though, but not all of them. 

I am also in 1:1 counseling for myself now and it's going well.


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## Toodles

Regarding her concern for you, here's my opinion: I also am the one in the relationship, trying to discuss a separation with my husband. Since he is totally against my decision and doesn't see the severity like I do, I start to wonder what he will do without me. It seems like he's so dependent on my being there, I just don't know what he'll do.

Also, it sounds like she's enjoying being friends with you. Maybe like it used to be? That's all I really want for me and my husband, too. I would absolutely love to keep him in my life without baggage and the need of staying married, but for most people, that's just too much to ask.

I wish you luck in your journey. I'm glad to hear that things are going well in counseling. One of the greatest freedoms is realizing you don't need anyone to feel complete or good about yourself. It's nice having loved ones in your life, but it's unhealthy to rely on others for validation that you're worthwhile. It seems like you realize that.

I wish the best for you!


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## GAR

Toodles said:


> Regarding her concern for you, here's my opinion: I also am the one in the relationship, trying to discuss a separation with my husband. Since he is totally against my decision and doesn't see the severity like I do, I start to wonder what he will do without me. It seems like he's so dependent on my being there, I just don't know what he'll do.
> 
> Also, it sounds like she's enjoying being friends with you. Maybe like it used to be? That's all I really want for me and my husband, too. I would absolutely love to keep him in my life without baggage and the need of staying married, but for most people, that's just too much to ask.
> 
> I wish you luck in your journey. I'm glad to hear that things are going well in counseling. One of the greatest freedoms is realizing you don't need anyone to feel complete or good about yourself. It's nice having loved ones in your life, but it's unhealthy to rely on others for validation that you're worthwhile. It seems like you realize that.
> 
> I wish the best for you!


Had another talk today, she said she is very clear it's over. So, it's over. I will not try to "win her back".

She is just not ready to make all of the decisions related to moving forward (financials, like the house, the bank accounts, retirments accounts, etc) so I plan to, with her input/agreement of course.


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## the guy

I have no experience in this or am I a women, but people want what they can't have so stay back. There is no way in hell she will foget about you, but if you distance your self she will let curiosity get the best of her and will contact you. Especially if she hears your doing good....that you are moving on and doing things for your self and bettering your self for you not her. 
Please focus on you
Stay strong


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## GAR

theguy, I hear you, and that is what I have done for 3 weeks (it's only been 3 weeks). I have not been crying to her, begging or anything like that. In fact, I have intentionally not had a "marriage" conversation until today.

Today I went over to pick up a few more things and she asked why and then said I could leave my stuff there since I do not have a lot of room where I am. I tried to have the 'what's next' conversation as she is the one saying over and over it's clear to her the marriage is over, but she is not doing anything. I told her we need to talk about financial stuff, and she seemed uncomfortable with the conversation. She even said "where do we find an attorney?". Seemed odd to me. I did notice all of our marriage photos and any photos of me are gone...even gifts I gave her that were displayed are now gone. 

I need to move on..her words are strong and clear. I am not a sit and wait kind of person and I do not want to go thru this hurt and pain over and over. She even said after 2 marriage counseling sessions she is done, it's not what she wants to do, but still she will not take the next step to start the ball rolling towards a divorce.


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## anx

GAR said:


> I need to move on..her words are strong and clear. I am not a sit and wait kind of person and I do not want to go thru this hurt and pain over and over. She even said after 2 marriage counseling sessions she is done, it's not what she wants to do, but still she will not take the next step to start the ball rolling towards a divorce.


This doesn't mean that its over. MANY men have heard these words, and they usually are the hurt, anger, and confusion talking. I've heard these words, twice.

Its not over until she files and sometimes not even then. 

It might be salvageable.


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## GAR

anx, thanks for the feedback. She had a breaking point as she put it and realized she was done. Her words, her actions, her demeanor, all match. She has not wavered in the 4 weeks since this happened. 

The only thing that has not matched is her not taking any action to move on like going to an attorney or talking to me about the finances. In addition she keeps telling me she is worried about me, my living situation, me not eating as much as I use to, etc. 

So what should I do besides what I have been doing. which is give her space, don't have "the marriage" talk, show a strong confident side when I come over, do not call her at all . The only reason I come over is because of our dogs, which I miss dearly; they really are like our kids. 

It's painful though to see her when I visit the pups. She talks though she is so different now. 

She thinks I should move back into the house too, and she should move out, for financial reasons. I am paying all of the "house" bills (mortgage, cable, utilities, etc) and she feels guilty about that. Today she volunteered to start paying the utility bills for the house and I agreed. 

I calmly pushed a little today as I am confused and did not understand why she was not talking to me about finances, next steps, etc. She got a little angry, calmed down and then said she simply did not know what to do next and that she knows she is putting it off. I asked if she just wanted to sit in limbo and do nothing and she did not answer, so I proposed selling the house. She said she would call a realtor in the next few weeks. Few weeks? That does not make sense to me. 

I am confused too as you can tell. Maybe I should not push for "what's next" and just let her go at her own pace?


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## anx

i've been in basically that same situation. My wife also had a similar "realization".

She says everything is done, but doesn't end it. She doesn't 100% know that what she things is right. Really she is VERY hurt and angry, but confused about what to do next.

Personally, I keep up MC and live in the same house in different rooms. Only see eachother for breakfast, when you get home, and say good night. Really ask her to get into IC and see if this is what she really wants. Finances will be better, keep the house clean and food made. 

Don't talk about "the relationship" at all. Just let it be what it is and live day by day. 

Ask her out for coffee or low-key dinner or something you both have fun with in a few weeks.

Basically, to fix this, she needs to get in IC and you both in MC and slowly work through this. _She needs to get past the anger and hurt. _You both need to fix stuff in MC and find again what made the relationship work. Its takes months to years, but usually, IC and MC 2-8 times a month after insurance is cheaper than a 2nd rent.

Also, get a STACK of MC books to work though.



> She talks though she is so different now.


 She is different. The old way the relationship worked wasn't her. It was her trying to make it work the old way. The old relationship needs to die and you need to find a new one. It takes time, hard work, and a lot of heartache. 

I really think if you moved back in and both got in IC and MC, you could at least watch TV together or hold hands in a few weeks. From there you slowly rebuild.

Best of luck. I've been through this. Its a mind #(%&. Just give her miles of space, be confidant, say your sorry and you want to find a new way, and live day by day.

Also, if you are religiously inclined, reconnect with that.


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## GAR

anx said:


> i've been in basically that same situation. My wife also had a similar "realization".
> 
> She says everything is done, but doesn't end it. She doesn't 100% know that what she things is right. Really she is VERY hurt and angry, but confused about what to do next.
> 
> Personally, I keep up MC and live in the same house in different rooms. Only see eachother for breakfast, when you get home, and say good night. Really ask her to get into IC and see if this is what she really wants. Finances will be better, keep the house clean and food made.
> 
> Don't talk about "the relationship" at all. Just let it be what it is and live day by day.
> 
> Ask her out for coffee or low-key dinner or something you both have fun with in a few weeks.
> 
> Basically, to fix this, she needs to get in IC and you both in MC and slowly work through this. _She needs to get past the anger and hurt. _You both need to fix stuff in MC and find again what made the relationship work. Its takes months to years, but usually, IC and MC 2-8 times a month after insurance is cheaper than a 2nd rent.
> 
> Also, get a STACK of MC books to work though.
> 
> She is different. The old way the relationship worked wasn't her. It was her trying to make it work the old way. The old relationship needs to die and you need to find a new one. It takes time, hard work, and a lot of heartache.
> 
> I really think if you moved back in and both got in IC and MC, you could at least watch TV together or hold hands in a few weeks. From there you slowly rebuild.
> 
> Best of luck. I've been through this. Its a mind #(%&. Just give her miles of space, be confidant, say your sorry and you want to find a new way, and live day by day.
> 
> Also, if you are religiously inclined, reconnect with that.


anx, I appreciate your comments. I have done and tried everything you suggest. She has made it clear if I move back in she will immediately move out. She has also made it clear that she will not to MC or IC. So, I agree with your plan, and I read your story, but I need her to do something or show a sign; she is not. 

She is traveling with work a lot and I agreed to stay at the house and watch the dogs then. That is as close as I will get to the house, unless I want her to move out.


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## anx

:-/ 

Well, just give it time then. Continue to be loving and see if in a few months she softens up. 

I know it seems like the wall is so high you'll never get over it.

I was told by my wife she was either going to S or D me, and a week later I said I think separation is a mistake and we can live together but with miles of space, and several days later I was told that was OK.

Despite what she says, its not totally the truth. Cracks will start to form. She will look at you and feel some amount of love. She needs to feel lonely first though, and not just hurt and anger and pain.

Best of luck, I wish there was a silver bullet, I really do.


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## Kcrat

I think NC (No contact ) is going to be very difficult for you right now despite what everyone here tells you. I really commend your bravery and candor about what you have done wrong to get you where you are today. I too believe you have to get help, and work on being that man you really want/need to be, and that man your wife could love, and trust from here on out. Maybe you could try a new approach................Just tell her ONCE, how you feel, how sorry you are, what your intentions are, etc., THEN leave her alone. That is exactly what I have done. I felt compelled to apologize for MY part in my failed marriage and told him where I stood with everything and now I am leaving him completely alone. Took me a few weeks to get to this point, but it feels good and I am getting stronger every day. At some point we have to do what WE need to do. I wish you the very best of luck.


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