# How to forgive and/or forget



## onesullengurl (Jun 19, 2008)

What do you do when you have "moved on" but you just CANNOT forget or forgive .... I feel like I'm trapped .. part of me forgives him and the other part of me cannot wash clean of what he did and all the things he put me and our son through .. I just cannot get it out of my head it has been around 2 years since and I STILL cannot get over it ... I make things worse by bringing it up still at times which I know is wrong but sometimes can't be helped ... I can't stop feeling angry and hurt and always having insecurities and suspicion in the back of my mind..... there is lots of other problems with our relationship but I think this one is "taking the cake" and it is causing a lot of the other problems .... how do people forget it how do you forgive them??? I still keep having images of them together even though I never saw it ... and I keep having flash backs of everything we went through .. I don't know what to do to make it go away anymore.... I'm scared that this is causing it to potentially happen again . I do not ever question him about it and I don't accuse him of anything .. but it is always in the back of my mind ! sometimes when I'm mad at him and he doesn't know why its that and he doesn't even have a clue hes just confused but so am I ... I feel like no amount of answers is enough and the ones he gave me were the wrong ones.... Untill this ends in my mind I will never stop being angry towards him and it will eat apart slowly at every aspect of our marriage untill it just finally ends ( sorry that sounds so dramatic ) but it is how I feel ..


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Forgiving will come when he proves you can trust him again. I doubt you will ever forget that it happened. A better communication can help the healing process and transparency on his part in the relationship. Additionally I hope he has cut all ties to her.

draconis


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are absolutely right, it will end if you can't resolve, or come to terms with what happened. That is only a bad thing if your intention is to remain with your partner. Therapy for yourself, or the both of you will go a long way in helping you sort out your feelings, and best determine how to move on, one way or another.


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## onesullengurl (Jun 19, 2008)

draconis said:


> Forgiving will come when he proves you can trust him again. I doubt you will ever forget that it happened. A better communication can help the healing process and transparency on his part in the relationship. Additionally I hope he has cut all ties to her.
> 
> draconis



sorry the post was very vague on my part I feared making a "book" and just needed to vent but I think when I can actually put my thoughts into words better and explain the whole thing I will make a seperate post.
In short a response to you both he did infact eventually cut ties with her 2 years ago when it all "ended" and we attended around 4 months of marriage counseling ..we were doing ALOT better we rented a house in a seperate town which we love and have been enojying as a family I feel in my heart he has been faithful untill now for certain reasons I will put in my future post .. which is now bringing me back to these thoughts again ... it seems as if its on and off for me ... we have both moved on but I go back and forth from "moved on" to "still pissed off" ..... I just thought that I would be over it by now or eventually and its not feeling that way now ..... thankyou so much for your responses and listening to my ranting I apologize for my jumbled thoughts !


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

I think that its possible to forgive but you'll never really forget.

Just because you have forgiven him doesn't mean that you don't occasionally get reminded of what happened and feel angry and hurt all over again. Its only human. What are we supposed to do, laugh at it a few years down the road? Erase it from our memory? Its impossible.

Infidelity is something that will always make us feel upset. Accept that it is OK to be upset, its natural.

Over time I hope that I will think of it *less*. Over time I hope that I will bring it up *less*. One day, I will think about it and though the idea that it happened will still hurt me, I will not feel so distressed that I have to verbalise it to him or guilt trip him, but instead I will be able to say "well, that was then, but look at us now!".

Don't give up hope, 2 years is hardly a long time to be still a little raw. I can imagine myself still a little raw in 10 years time, and its only been 2 months for me since "the day".  The trick is not to let it overtake the progress you have made with him in your life together up till that point.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I wish you all the best. I hope that even if you feel like writing a book or ranting here will help. You seem to be on the right road and hopefully this helps.

draconis


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## ByrdDogX (Jul 30, 2008)

Forgiving is the easy part.....forgetting is another story. I've been through it recently with my wife and its been very tough. She was having intimate conversations with her ex-boyfriend (complete trash - but that's another story) and planning on a physical encounter (he lives out of town). I read things they had discussed that completely destroyed me and everything I thought I knew. Those things gradually fade....but I still can't help but wonder where her heart is at times. Affairs create insecurity for the victim in the affair. You question everything you have ever know to try and find a foundation you can believe in to begin building again. It takes time....and often they expect you to automatically go back to the way it was before - but its not that easy. I know that I can forgive because I love her...but forgetting is something I will never know how to do. Time is the only thing that will help heal the emotion wounds....


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

through my own experience i have learned and accepted that forgiveness is a process. some days i feel good, we go out on dates, laugh and talk, etc... other days i can't stand the sight of him and i'm back to reviewing the same cell phone records i've seen a thousand times. one good thing is that we are really open now and both actively working towards repairing the marriage. he'll ask me what's wrong if i'm in a bad mood and i'll tell him and we go from there. we're also in counseling. i'm also a spiritual person. i read the same passage daily, its about forgiveness and talks about how God can/will only forgive you if you forgive others. it keeps me grounded. we also pray together and eat together as a family. it doesn't make things perfect, but i can't imagine where i would be without those little rituals that we've started. what you feel is normal, but if you believe in God please pray, i know that's what has gotten me through. it is also good that you are talking about it. try to surround yourself by pro-marriage, positive people who will give you sound advice. good luck to you and your family.


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## 3times (Aug 7, 2008)

I can relate to your emotions. I too tried to forgive and forget. And, after years of trying, i forgave my husband. However, I do not forget - I can't, and believe me, I wish I could!

If I were to tell you my whole story, you might call me stupid for sticking around. I have learned the very hard and hurtful way that there will always be an event that would somehow remind you of the pain. I am still trying to find a way to be at peace with the pain.

I wish you all the best.


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## traci-jo (Aug 9, 2008)

I just had to write to you and say that when I read your post I thought you were reading my mind. I have been going through the exact same thing. Everything that you wrote is exactly what I feel and think, all of the time. Two years ago my husband did the same thing and I am still not over it. He has never, in my opinion, really tried to fix things. He has always been too vague with his answers to my questions or just wouldn't give me an answer at all. I always felt like if I had the answers I would be able to get over it, but I know that is not true. The answers to my questions really don't matter. Trust is the big issue. I do not trust him. I used to trust him completly, and now I don't. There have been times when we are intimate that all of the sudden I would think about him being with her and then I would get mad and the intimacy was over. I just couldn't even stand the thought of it. It is like a broken record running through my mind. And I can't stop it. I am sorry that I don't have any answers to help you forgive him or forget what happened. If I had those, my life would be much happier too. LOL I think just talking about it and getting your feelings out is a great first step to dealing with the situation. That is one reason why I decided to post tonight. I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything works out for you.


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## bzak35 (Aug 12, 2008)

just talking to your s and being able to do that when ever u need to should be good for u and if thay dont like it then thay need help thay r the 1 how cheated and hurt the s not the ether way around so thay should listen and be sorry and thank full ur still there


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## winner54 (Aug 12, 2008)

This is my first time posting here. I'm sorry if I sound bitter, but that's because I am.

Been married for 32 years and the thought of him cheating never entered my mind until 15 years ago. That time was only suspicions and I never really got logical answers to my questions. 

3 years ago however, was a totally different story. Onesullengurl, I really don't have any advice for you except, go to therapy for yourself - not for your marriage, not for your H; for YOU. In my case, I can't forgive, so I can't forget. I can't forget, so I can't forgive. Our marriage is over because of this and all the begging in the world on his part will not make it all go away. So, I am.

Best of luck


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Its been a while since this post was started, but I guess this storyline is endless. After 15 years of marriage I found out my husband was having an online affair - which he started after a business trip. During the two months of his betrayal multiple plans were made to meet in other cities (OW lives elsewhere. He claims they never actually met again) and he had the nerve to tell friends (and share her inappropriate pictures!) - a badge of honor for a mid-life crisis man. The OW and he became a "we" and he actually talked about her at home. I trusted him so much (so stupidly) that I actually believed he was just interested in her poor 'tragic' life. I don't know if they ever actually slept together, but the emotional betrayal was so overwhelming that after six months of coping I'm still very shaky and in shock. I now find that he is two people to me: when I'm with him - meaning he is physically in my presence, I'm able to think present and future in a positive way. However, when I can not physically see him, he is the person in my head - the one who hurt me so very deeply. I can't tell you how much I'd like to completely forget this. He clearly would like me to as well so we can keep our present and future in the good direction its going. I call it his "win win situation" - he gets to be disgustingly (seriously) enticed by OW, then gets to end it only to have his relationship with me blossom. I think part of me is afraid to 'forget', afraid that I'll get hurt again. It wasn't his first time - the other was completely different - but still unbelievable and painful. (I found out about both just 6 months ago when he completely opened up.) Sorry, much too long here. Yes, this forgetting business is very difficult indeed. I'm afraid I'm in the numb confusion for a long time to come.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

onesullengurl

I have no advice because I too feel exactally as you. Our time frame is also about the same. Part of my issue is the OW is still our neighbor and my H has always had issues communicating. In his mind it's over,don't talk about it. I hate just seeing her house and all I do is look out the window and it's right there. 

Just wanted to let you know your not alone.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sullen,

Are you totally in control, is he to report all activities, no going out without you.

If he is, time to cut bait or reign him in.

Its been almost 3 yrs now an update.


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## MBJOE (Nov 2, 2008)

Your story is much like mine , even the time frames and the years married ! I do feel sorry for you. My wife did it all to me. I tried to get pasted it and couldn't!! Everyday the thought was there in my mind. When 9 or 10 months went by , I really lost trust and installed spy ware on the computer , well long story short I had to file for a divorce. There was no way to suck it up! The more you value your marriage , the worst it hurts. I just don't know what goes through their minds! To put everything on the line , for what? You do deserve better , don't ever question that. I my case the roller coaster had to come to an end. I wish you the best on whatever you decide. Take care Joe


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

Be strong. Ask God for strenght and to grant you a forgiving heart. Forgiving is to stop blaming the other person. You havent forgiven him completely. Just think that you will overcome this and for now you have to be really strong. Do not let your progress to fall to step no. 1 again. I am also like that and its only two months from the discovery. Try to resolve the problems with your hubby not away from him. Goodluck. You can do it.


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

This may sound strange and you may disagree but i feel it is so easy to focus on ourselves and what others have done to us that we bocome incapable of loving the one who hurt us when you think about the affair your partner had you really are thinking about what they did to you instead of focusing on how much you love them in turn is a selfish way of thinking instead of focusing on what they did to you focus on the love you have for them love is in giving not receiving I am a true believer in the bible and the lord says love keeps no record of wrongs (1 corinthians 13:5 ) so when you are trying to be intimate and you think of what he has done you are caring a grudge wether you believe it or not and that is not forgiveness and not love we seem to want some type of payback for their wrong doing that is not love either but revenge the question is can you love your husband for what he has done i think you can you need to let go of the past to get to the future we may not forget what they did but who says we have to bring it up in our minds ???


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

one thing more, every moment you feel the pain and the flash backs (eventhough you did not actually seen it) let your hubby knows that u are still hurting and angry. be open to him for you and he can help you go through these stages. his apologies and support will ease your pain little by little over time. even the flashbacks (of them having sex) while we make love I turned to my H for help. i dont want to remember what he did by focusing on building our marriage. our marriage is better before but now I only want it the best as I could. think also the positive sides like mine, I did not care about his sexual needs. he tried to talk to me but ignore him. now I am more sensitive to his needs/feelings. he was the one before who is sensitive and affectionate to our marriage. I am confident of him that he would not do such thing to me that I neglected him. i didnt justify his cheating but i do want to see the positives and the negatives of that experience brought to us couple. H said to me that he is not afraid to face the challenges of life for we have surpassed one of the worst thing that happened. as i said turn to your hubby for help. if you want him to be more transparent them tell him and explain why. B4 H is working to rebuild our marriage, the trust gone, and my respect for him. I am also in your situation by that time. I told my H that you did everything but I cant still move on. So the problem is me that is why I think of a solution that needs help from him. I told him to let me feel again secure, be more sensitive to my feelings, be thoughtful, be romantic to me and love me more so that I would be the same happy, confident and loving person as before. I hope this will help you. its only 2 months and yours are way too long to not let go of it. communicate all your troubles to your hubby, he will understand and he really must for it is him who brought trouble to your marriage. goodluck. hope to hear the progress from you soon.


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