# Sex, Lies and Porn Addiction



## ladybird

My husband recently confessed to being addicted to porn 3 months ago. While i was living with my mother. Asked for my help. I agreed. I moved back in. We talked about it. Hes grew up with it. It started when he was 10 years old! So 39 years. Ive left 3 other times since July and each and every time broken promises.... 

He has changed his behavior this time. He is working on it, but i cant help feeling/thinking its only a front. He's more affectionate. We are doing more together. Like going out every friday on date night. He's doing more to help with kids and housework. We are communicating more. But the bottom line is i don't trust him and im still very suspicious.

Every relationship hes been in, before me has failed. I do remember his locker at one place he worked at It was full and i mean litterly full of porn magazines... I didnt think much about it at the time.. But that should have been a red flag.

During our entire 20 years of marriage porn has always been a part of it... And as time went on it only got worse or i started catching on that i was oblivious too, before. 

In 2008-2009 we stopped having sex. I was pregnant with our first child together. He said we dont have to have sex. I was blown away. Like are you serious. I tried to protest, but he said i dont want to hurt the baby. Umm ok whatever. We didn't have sex for a year and a half. It wasn't until i started *****ing about the lack of sex that it resumed, but it was only once every other month. 

The last 9 years i have felt something terribly wrong. Something was off. He pulled away and so did I. For the last few years we have been coexisting. Not really living just surviving. Mu concerns were always be blown off and he'd say "its all in your head". 

Started marriage counsling the end of may. 2nd session i told our marriage counsler he was hiding something and i want/need to know what it is.. He of course denied he was hiding something. 

The Councler then told me "That's not reality, Ladybird". I have always trusted myself 150% my intuition has never been wrong. I just wasnt exactly sure what it was. I was beating my head against the wall. The more i pushed him For the truth the more lies he told, i begged and pleaded for him to tell me the truth once and for all.. All i got were lies!

I fell into a deep depression and before i hurt myself, i was in a very dark place. I saw no way out. The only reason i didn't do anything about what i desperately wanted to do, was my babies. There is no way i could do it, even though i wanted it all to stop. My mind was going in circles amd i felt like i was really going crazy... i made an appointment with my dr to get on antidepressants and anxiety meds. My dr reccomended counsling. So i followed through. 

My health has really gone down hill. Ive lost over 50 pounds, since may! My appitite is pretty much gone. I eat maybe 3 days a week and its not much when i do. I can go weeks without eating, if i dont force muself to eat. . I am having heart problems. Ended up in the er because of it. They couldn't diagnose me because i didnt have an episode while i was there. Ive always had arythmea (sp) but its different. Very low blood pressure. Anxiety attacks. Mass amounts of stress, so much that my hair is turning grey. Wasn't there before all of this.. Depression. Ive sufferend from depression my entire life, but ive never felt like this. Where giving up sounds like the best option. Dont worry i wont do anything. I cant. I have too much to live for. My kids keep me from doing something stupid. 

I fear this is my life from here on out. Self doubt, not feeling like i am good enough or worth anything. My husband has told me. "It's never been about you." "Its me I'm the one whos ****ed up" " you have never been the problem I am the problem"... No matter how many times he tells me this - i still don't believe it.


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## peacem

Hi Ladybird sorry you are having such a rough time right now. It will get better one way or another.

Firstly, you need to stop your 'thinking' regarding your husband, it is not for you to control, so let it be. Literally stop. Forget what he is or isn't doing and concentrate on your own health and mental health. Fretting isn't going to change things but make things worse. 

Are the anxiety meds helping? 

When you begin to feel stronger - that is when you need to make a decision as to whether this is something that you want to live with for the foreseeable future. People don't just change over night - it takes years to rebuild trust especially when you have been lied to and made to feel inadequate. Are you happy to invest that amount of time, with setbacks and disappointment?

He tells you 'its not about you' - and it isn't! Inasmuch as its not about your looks or desirability. But it IS about you when he won't make the correct changes into stopping what he is doing. Has he been to therapy? Has he allowed you to pull the plug on his devices? Has he traded his phone for a dumb phone? Has he agreed to your ground rules and stuck to them? Can he not see what this is doing to you? Are you not worth more than some pity party excuse? 

Something I have learned over the years is that I have always been in control of my life right from the start - even when I thought my life was spirally out of control. I cannot complain about the things my husband has done because I chose to put up with it and constantly made excuses, or habitually believed the things he said even though he was a compulsive liar. I enabled him by not following through my threats. I enabled him by constantly forgiving him. I enabled him because when he ****ed up I fixed things so he didn't have to. He made his choices, I made mine. What choices can you make to ensure your health and mental health for the well-being of your children?


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## ladybird

He no longer has a phone. He was supposed to get a flip phone, but never did. He got another smart phone instead. So i pulled the plug. He has handed over all his devices willingly.. Including his phone. Which he shut service off of. Didn't put a fight. I have them all locked up. 

Im already stopping the thinking. It wont make one bit a difference. He knows how i feel and ultimately its not up to me. Its up to him... Hes been going to counsling, 2 months. He has made some changes like his behavior. He says he wants to change for the better and he is working on doing so. Actions are more important then words at this point. And so far he has followed through. 

Change takes the rest of your life. I realize it doesnt happen over night. 

My threats are not empty. I will follow through with a divorse. I have made my decision amd i wont live this way, the rest of my life. He knows this and if he wants to call my bluff. So be it. I am not bluffing. He will find that out. 

I just hope he puts the work he needs to do to overcome this, For himself. He cant do it for anyone else.


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## peacem

....I know its a personal question (so sorry) but is sex improving between you guys?


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## peacem

ladybird said:


> He no longer has a phone. He was supposed to get a flip phone, but never did. He got another smart phone instead. So i pulled the plug. He has handed over all his devices willingly.. Including his phone. Which he shut service off of. Didn't put a fight. I have them all locked up.
> 
> Im already stopping the thinking. It wont make one bit a difference. He knows how i feel and ultimately its not up to me. Its up to him... Hes been going to counsling, 2 months. He has made some changes like his behavior. He says he wants to change for the better and he is working on doing so. Actions are more important then words at this point. And so far he has followed through.
> 
> Change takes the rest of your life. I realize it doesnt happen over night.
> 
> My threats are not empty. I will follow through with a divorse. I have made my decision amd i wont live this way, the rest of my life. He knows this and if he wants to call my bluff. So be it. I am not bluffing. He will find that out.
> 
> I just hope he puts the work he needs to do to overcome this, For himself. He cant do it for anyone else.


Ok. Caught up on the other thread. Sex is non-existent? If you leave again make sure it's for good. Reigniting sex was the only healer for me, without that I wouldn't still be with my husband, I lost all respect for his words. :frown2:


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## ladybird

peacem said:


> ....I know its a personal question (so sorry) but is sex improving between you guys?


 Much better then what its been in the past..


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## growing_weary

I hope you are feeling better. Please take care of yourself as your first priority.


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## Diana7

Please just concentrate on yourself and your children. You need to eat and get all the help you can for their sakes. Be the best mum you can. 
You need a break from him and his lies and the marriage for now. Can he move out for 6 months or so to give you a break? Already in the last few months he has made promises and gone back on them, its hard to know if he will ever really stop. That's what porn does, its deadly to a marriage. Porn use is cited in 60% of all divorces now. 

So are you going to keep his phone forever? At what point will he get them back and can you ever trust him again? Its hard when you were deceived for so many years although you did know he was a porn user before you married so it wasn't a complete surprise.


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## David Darling

ladybird said:


> ... Im already stopping the thinking. It wont make one bit a difference. He knows how i feel and ultimately its not up to me. Its up to him ... Actions are more important then words at this point.
> 
> ... Change takes the rest of your life. I realize it doesnt happen over night.
> 
> ... My threats are not empty. I will follow through with a divorse. I have made my decision amd i wont live this way, the rest of my life.
> 
> ... I just hope he puts the work he needs to do to overcome this, For himself. He cant do it for anyone else.


These are all really healthy insights. 

It sounds as though you are handling this wisely and bravely. Good luck!


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## ladybird

Diana7 said:


> Please just concentrate on yourself and your children. You need to eat and get all the help you can for their sakes. Be the best mum you can.
> You need a break from him and his lies and the marriage for now. Can he move out for 6 months or so to give you a break? Already in the last few months he has made promises and gone back on them, its hard to know if he will ever really stop. That's what porn does, its deadly to a marriage. Porn use is cited in 60% of all divorces now.
> 
> So are you going to keep his phone forever? At what point will he get them back and can you ever trust him again? Its hard when you were deceived for so many years although you did know he was a porn user before you married so it wasn't a complete surprise.


I may have known about porn before marriage but he also left out the part of being addicted to it.. One little word makes all the difference. So dont blame me for his bull****. Had i known the extent i wouldn't have married him. 

I didnt tell him to give up his phone his tablet or his laptop. He handed them over.and told me to put them away. To put content locks on the tv and all the other electronics in the house. So i did.. He will get them back when i can start trusting him again... No idea how long it will take. Ive never done this before and i may never trust him again..


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## ladybird

growing_weary said:


> I hope you are feeling better. Please take care of yourself as your first priority.


 I am ok. I felt pretty good today  I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day....


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## ladybird

peacem said:


> Ok. Caught up on the other thread. Sex is non-existent? If you leave again make sure it's for good. Reigniting sex was the only healer for me, without that I wouldn't still be with my husband, I lost all respect for his words. :frown2:


 Sex was non existent then increased to once every 2 months. Once i started complaining he upped sex to almost every day for a month. Back in may.... Then slowly tapered off to now 2 to 4 days a week..(sometimes 7 days)

Leaving again will be for good.... I love him, but sometimes love isnt enough. Trust is a very important.. With out that you have someone like me who automatically thinks the worst possible scenario... And not believing him even if he is telling the truth.... :\


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