# Did I man up?



## Danny Boy (May 25, 2011)

Wife comes home from work today snapping at me about this and that. Doesn't matter what it is. No matter what I say or do, it's not good enough. It's not what she wants. I could say, "What do you want?", then respond exactly as she wants me to and it still would get me yelled at for something. I'm tired of this. I usually just ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, go about my business until I've had enough and I lose my $#!t, yell, scream and storm out. I've been reading this forum here about correct and incorrect ways to stand up for one's self. I decide its time. Be calm. Level voice. Don't get angry. Act happy after, don't let on that this is really getting to you etc etc. We pile in the car on the way to one of our children's events and she is still snapping at me. I don't remember about what. Completely ignoring the content of what she said was, in the calmest voice I can muster and with a smile on my face I say, "Yeah, and you've been snapping at me since you walked through the door and I've done nothing to deserve it". I'm driving so I can't look her right in the eye but I can tell out of the corner of my eye she is NOT happy with what I said. I ignore again and start immediately talking about the fuzzy dice going by in the car next to us...still smiling. Did I man up? Could I have handled this better? Should I have handled it sooner? Am I going to get a steak knife in the chest tonight when I really deserve an apology (which I won't get by the way).


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Yeah, you did. Don't overanalyze it. It won't necessarily get you miraculous results immediately but you did what you had to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JimTrail (May 22, 2011)

Yep, what you did was a fair reprisal.

I've been alone for years now. Sometimes I wish I had a wife to snap at me, er, er - but on second thought, coming to my senses it's better to be alone.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Danny Boy said:


> Wife comes home from work today snapping at me about this and that. Doesn't matter what it is. No matter what I say or do, it's not good enough. It's not what she wants. I could say, "What do you want?", then respond exactly as she wants me to and it still would get me yelled at for something. I'm tired of this. I usually just ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, go about my business until I've had enough and I lose my $#!t, yell, scream and storm out. I've been reading this forum here about correct and incorrect ways to stand up for one's self. I decide its time. Be calm. Level voice. Don't get angry. Act happy after, don't let on that this is really getting to you etc etc. We pile in the car on the way to one of our children's events and she is still snapping at me. I don't remember about what. Completely ignoring the content of what she said was, in the calmest voice I can muster and with a smile on my face I say, "Yeah, and you've been snapping at me since you walked through the door and I've done nothing to deserve it". I'm driving so I can't look her right in the eye but I can tell out of the corner of my eye she is NOT happy with what I said. I ignore again and start immediately talking about the fuzzy dice going by in the car next to us...still smiling. Did I man up? Could I have handled this better? Should I have handled it sooner? Am I going to get a steak knife in the chest tonight when I really deserve an apology (which I won't get by the way).


Children learn similar behaviors but don't have forums for pats on back or cheers forward. The question I'd have for them are the same I'd have for you...

Do you think fairies fly because they have wings?

-and-

Are you really so jealous of their wings that you'd cut them off, tape them on your back and call them your own?

Get real with your wife. Point blank, honest. Fight it out until you both are honest with each other...your needs, wants, perceptions and all that dirty stuff waiting patiently to be recognized while you fight over the same crap every day. 

Then see where that gets you. If it gets you nowhere then have the know how and will to recognize that you had wings all along but were afraid to use them.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Passable.

The trick is to mix in humor with it.

MEM.....any advise here?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Children learn similar behaviors but don't have forums for pats on back or cheers forward. The question I'd have for them are the same I'd have for you...
> 
> Do you think fairies fly because they have wings?
> 
> ...


I reckon most men have been through what you recommend many times and got absolutely nowhere before they find a place like TAM. The guy should have driven back home and when she got out the car, he should have smacked her bum, sent her on her way and gone off with the kids by himself for a nice day out. Maybe that way she’d learn to be at least civilised and take a good long look at herself.


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## Night Owl (Feb 16, 2011)

For a start you did fine.

At this point you're focusing on gaining respect and nothing else. When your wife sees that you are not going to just sit there and take her s**t then that process will start. Basically you make progress by not giving in to either of two things:

1) fear of your wife

2) extreme anger (yours, that is)

Trying to discuss things in a reasonable manner or fighting back intensely at those times will get you nowhere.


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## Danny Boy (May 25, 2011)

Thanks all!


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

So far so good! She does need to learn to apologize too. That should come out in an honest discussion: "It is not acceptable for you to behave like that and then not apologize for it or at least own it." It takes practice to deliver lines like that with authority, but they are right and true. Reward good behavior, call out bad behavior.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Danny,

The defective spouse look works best in that situation.

A simple firm question, "How is this behavior helpful?"

Forces her to take responsibility for what she's doing.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Get real with your wife. Point blank, honest. Fight it out until you both are honest with each other...your needs, wants, perceptions and all that dirty stuff waiting patiently to be recognized while you fight over the same crap every day.
> 
> Then see where that gets you. If it gets you nowhere then have the know how and will to recognize that you had wings all along but were afraid to use them.


:iagree: LOVE this advice! Spot on.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

AFEH said:


> IThe guy should have driven back home and when she got out the car, he should have smacked her bum, sent her on her way ...


THIS could get you injured! My W is perfectly capable of ripping my **** and balls out by the roots and beating me to death with the wet end, so in the event of a physical assault by me she'd respond immediately. Wives who are less highly trained might resort to waiting until you're asleep, or adding something to your dinner that will make the world fall out of your bottom. If you're going to use physical aggression, be aware of the potential for it to escalate. 

I'm mainly wondering:
a) what does hitting your spouse actually achieve;
b) what place hitting a spouse has in a loving relationship?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> THIS could get you injured! My W is perfectly capable of ripping my **** and balls out by the roots and beating me to death with the wet end, so in the event of a physical assault by me she'd respond immediately. Wives who are less highly trained might resort to waiting until you're asleep, or adding something to your dinner that will make the world fall out of your bottom. If you're going to use physical aggression, be aware of the potential for it to escalate.
> 
> I'm mainly wondering:
> a) what does hitting your spouse actually achieve;
> b) what place hitting a spouse has in a loving relationship?


Actually it wouldn't bother me if my husband did do that and it would probably turn me on.

But I like dominate men who stand up for themselves, and a smack on the bum does not equate the same to me as an abusive violent relationship.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

If you "manned up" you wouldn't need affirmation of it. IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Actually it wouldn't bother me if my husband did do that and it would probably turn me on.
> 
> But I like dominate men who stand up for themselves, and a smack on the bum does not equate the same to me as an abusive violent relationship.


Maybe my marriage is atypical. My wife is a third dan karate black belt and took up krav maga because "karate wasn't challenging enough". I practice ju jitsu. Neither of us is under any illusions about precisely how much each could injure the other, and neither of us would ever raise a hand to the other, even in "fun". The consequences of either one of us misinterpreting this sort of behaviour are too great. Plus, if I've got to slap my wife to get her attention, I've failed. I HAVE slapped people, up to and including rifle butts to the side of the head. It's a riot control method, not a means of showing love.


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