# wife had EA with boss said crazy things



## darkdays

Been married 14 years in the relationship for 19. I have two kids. My wife and family have been everything to me. I go to my day job 80k a year. come home and spend time with the kids and the wife. night walks, cuddling watching tv, playing games together. Sex has always been great for both people. I can last a long time and she is always pleased etc. She also seemed very very loyal which is one of the things i always admired in her. So last year my dad dies, we move down to take over my moms house and help her out. I suggest that my wife find a job so she can socalize etc and i told her she should go back to college etc she is so close to her degree. Her best friend gets her a job who works there 3 times a week. 
I noticed over the next year that my wife is acting a little ****i. she is spending lots of time on the pc. she is dressing up for work but looking extra good. she never wares nail polish and now she is wearing bubble gum pink etc. i notice her buying these very sexy tops for work that show off her c cup. about a month before the blow up she starts acting crazy horny and wants sex every night. normally it was like once a week. then she starts saying if we ever seperate she needs time so that she doesnt have to move back in with her mother to get some money for an apartment. she says this three stimes in two weeks. so i finally confront her. it comes out she has Crushie feelings for her boss. That she wanted to do a sexual act to him that would lead to sex and that if she had slept with him she would of left me for him. I was like WTF i can bang you for hours and you never even had sex with the guy. I come to find out she was looping that come and get it song over and over and thinking about her boss. the guy was pulling the classic i have traveled the world stuff, i no all about exotic foods etc trying to build himslef up, but she was sucked right into it. I found an email where she wrote her friend saying the physical was great with me but the emotional day to day just was not there. This is utter bullcrap. during the initial fight she said that she was planning on sleeping with him so that he would get feelings for her. How dumb can you be?? she was just a hot piece of ass to this guy. i gave her 20 years of great experiences and trust and turned down plenty of hot woman and never cheated on her. she goes out into the work force after 8 years of being a house mom HER choice and she falls in love with her boss who is married with two kids, wear adult feetie pajamsa and is an utter tool. he is not even a good looking guy none of it makes sense. SHE can't even explain it to me. after months of lies and storys this happened about three months ago she finally admited she had been into him almost from the beggining and in the last month before the blow up wanted out of our marriage. her plan was to sleep with the guy and some how he was going to leave his wife and kids and go with her and they would travel the world. no crap thats what she said. her disgusting words were just devistating. her obssesion in my mind mad me sick. this guy is a no body and average joe and she fell all in love with him and planned to dump me. NOW of course she tells me she loves me, it was a mistake, she was not thinking right, she doesnt know why she said those hurtful things. But to me the damage was done. who can be married thinking they may be number 2 in someone heart. security over passion. it has just wrecked everything. i look at her facebook page and just want to punch the screen. i love my kids i dont want to devistate them. Her right now not so much. she is telling me its her fault and she wants to treat me the way i should of always been treated. i am going through days of utter rage. then it goes away then utter rage again. the messed up part as well is that they never had romantic talk, never had sex talk, nothing according to her. It was in her head and she leaned against him once while doing some computer training. she used to ask him what to eat for lunch. and he would talk to her about how unhappy he was at home etc. he bought nothing for his wife for valentines day. i bought mine 2 dozen roses, sherrys berrys, a card and ordered out. HE asks my wife out to lunch and also if she would come along and pick something out for his wife like chocolate. she refused. eventhough she wanted to be alone with him she was feeling guilty so would turn him down. I blew everything up DAYS before it was going to go physical. Now i am on the net looking up ea's and on forums like this. i am a wreck of a human being inside. all i wanted was to make a beautiful life for her and me. to be a family guy and she invited filth into our reality. any comments welcome.


----------



## BK23

She needs to quit that job yesterday.


----------



## tom67

Make sure the boss's wife knows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## barbados

She needs to quit the job yesterday. Do you understand me ? Not a two weeks notice or anything like that. If she is at the job today, she DOES NOT go to the job tomorrow. Then its full NC, including an NC letter sent to him AND HIS WIFE. 

I don't want to hear you can't afford for her to quit. She was a SAHM for 8 years and you were OK financially.

IF she refuses, file for D immediately. YOU MUST EXPOSE TO THE POSOM'S WIFE !!!!!


----------



## badmemory

DD,

First thing, you would be naive to believe her when she tells you this has not gone physical. There are multiple red flags that indicate that it has. She is likely trickle truthing you and that would follow the cheater's script. So for now, you need to assume that is has. 

You have to know what you are forgiving. Whether or not a PA is a deal breaker for you, you need to know before you make any decisions. You only have a few options to get that information. None are perfect, but here they are:

1 - She quits her job. Non negotiable. Then ask her to take a polygraph. Whether you believe in their accuracy or not. There have been many a parking lot confession with just the threat of one, but go through with it regardless. 

2 - Back off of her for now, and start covertly monitoring her. VAR in her car, spyware on her cell phone, and keylogger on her computer. Monitor your cell phone bill and compare that with what's on her phone, to see if she is deleting texts. Use software to see if you can recover her deleted e-mails. Grab her cell phone and have an expert see if they can recover deleted texts. And, you need to make yourself an expert on stealth technology. You can get help here. Give it a couple of weeks, then make her quit her job unless you decide to divorce her based on your evidence. 

3 - Do everything in option 2, but demand she quit her job immediately.

Me, I'd choose option 1, but continue to monitor her covertly.

If you see a common theme of her quitting her job, that's because it is a *MUST*. If she refuses to cooperate with any of your requests, start the divorce process and keep going until she does. If she never does, you're better off with the D anyway.

Once you confirm whether this has gone physical, then you can make the decision to R or not. Keep posting.

Sorry you're here but you've come to the right place.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

darkdays said:


> Been married 14 years in the relationship for 19. I have two kids. My wife and family have been everything to me. I go to my day job 80k a year. come home and spend time with the kids and the wife. night walks, cuddling watching tv, playing games together. Sex has always been great for both people. I can last a long time and she is always pleased etc. She also seemed very very loyal which is one of the things i always admired in her. So last year my dad dies, we move down to take over my moms house and help her out. I suggest that my wife find a job so she can socalize etc and i told her she should go back to college etc she is so close to her degree. Her best friend gets her a job who works there 3 times a week.
> I noticed over the next year that my wife is acting a little ****i. she is spending lots of time on the pc. she is dressing up for work but looking extra good. she never wares nail polish and now she is wearing bubble gum pink etc. i notice her buying these very sexy tops for work that show off her c cup. about a month before the blow up she starts acting crazy horny and wants sex every night. normally it was like once a week. then she starts saying if we ever seperate she needs time so that she doesnt have to move back in with her mother to get some money for an apartment. she says this three stimes in two weeks. so i finally confront her. it comes out she has Crushie feelings for her boss. That she wanted to do a sexual act to him that would lead to sex and that if she had slept with him she would of left me for him. I was like WTF i can bang you for hours and you never even had sex with the guy. I come to find out she was looping that come and get it song over and over and thinking about her boss. the guy was pulling the classic i have traveled the world stuff, i no all about exotic foods etc trying to build himslef up, but she was sucked right into it. I found an email where she wrote her friend saying the physical was great with me but the emotional day to day just was not there. This is utter bullcrap. during the initial fight she said that she was planning on sleeping with him so that he would get feelings for her. How dumb can you be?? she was just a hot piece of ass to this guy. i gave her 20 years of great experiences and trust and turned down plenty of hot woman and never cheated on her. she goes out into the work force after 8 years of being a house mom HER choice and she falls in love with her boss who is married with two kids, wear adult feetie pajamsa and is an utter tool. he is not even a good looking guy none of it makes sense. SHE can't even explain it to me. after months of lies and storys this happened about three months ago she finally admited she had been into him almost from the beggining and in the last month before the blow up wanted out of our marriage. her plan was to sleep with the guy and some how he was going to leave his wife and kids and go with her and they would travel the world. no crap thats what she said. her disgusting words were just devistating. her obssesion in my mind mad me sick. this guy is a no body and average joe and she fell all in love with him and planned to dump me. NOW of course she tells me she loves me, it was a mistake, she was not thinking right, she doesnt know why she said those hurtful things. But to me the damage was done. who can be married thinking they may be number 2 in someone heart. security over passion. it has just wrecked everything. i look at her facebook page and just want to punch the screen. i love my kids i dont want to devistate them. Her right now not so much. she is telling me its her fault and she wants to treat me the way i should of always been treated. i am going through days of utter rage. then it goes away then utter rage again. the messed up part as well is that they never had romantic talk, never had sex talk, nothing according to her. It was in her head and she leaned against him once while doing some computer training. she used to ask him what to eat for lunch. and he would talk to her about how unhappy he was at home etc. he bought nothing for his wife for valentines day. i bought mine 2 dozen roses, sherrys berrys, a card and ordered out. HE asks my wife out to lunch and also if she would come along and pick something out for his wife like chocolate. she refused. eventhough she wanted to be alone with him she was feeling guilty so would turn him down. I blew everything up DAYS before it was going to go physical. Now i am on the net looking up ea's and on forums like this. i am a wreck of a human being inside. all i wanted was to make a beautiful life for her and me. to be a family guy and she invited filth into our reality. any comments welcome.


This is not classic cheaters script at all. It sounds like she has mental issues and needs to be evaluated, based on what you say she said to you about what her plans were. others will chime in but that is my feeling from reading this.


----------



## BrockLanders

If they worked together and she had regular access to him do you really think it was just emotional? It's possible of course, but doesn't really pass the smell test.


----------



## tom67

Both of you get tested for STDs assume the worst.


----------



## harrybrown

What are her consequences for her behavior? What boundaries have you set for each other? I hope she has quit the job.


----------



## workindad

Get tested for stds. Let his wife know. Ask her to take a polygraph as she cannot be believed right now. Judge her reaction. Follow thru with it and be prepared for a parking lot confession. 

I would be surprised if it wasn't physical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad

Oh drop a var in her car and purse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cubby

1. Chance that it hasn't gone physical: not good.
2. She has to quit the job.
3. You need to inform the POS boss' wife.
4. She's really in a delusional fog. She really thinks he'd divorce his wife and then she'd travel the world with this d-bag? Really?

Your wife needs a big education on boundaries. There's a lot of work for both of you to get back on track.


----------



## badbane

Yea I am pretty sure something happened between the two of them physically. He was grooming your wife for an affair. Spilling about how bad his life was and how she made him feel better. That he had all these feelings and he was fanning the flame in your wife. Men like her boss are predatory. They can tell when your wife is getting attached and is willing to go further. IMHO 
1) you need to get a hold of her phone and she needs to show you any and all other forms of communication she may have had with the OM.
2) she needs to send the OM a letter of NO CONtact. Where she 
a) admits that her actions were inappropriate
b)states that she is going to be focusing on her marriage and that their friendship is now over.

3) she needs to tell the OMW about what is going on. She may be living a blissful ignorant life while her husband is out hunting for something to shag.

4) I highly recommend you see and MC. 

5) you need to get a hobby something to pour your anger and frustration into so you have an outlet.


----------



## Lovemytruck

All good advice posts so far! I agree and like all of them.

I would also add a couple of things for YOU.

You have seen the dark side of your wife now. She probably is not anything like the person you thought you knew. So sorry, but that is the reality of betrayals.

Take some time to examine yourself. Are you too nice? Give too much? It is easy to do, and most of us are guilty. 

Don't fall into the trap of trying to "nice" your way back with her.

Read the posts and information on the "180."

Realize that your wife will try to blame stuff on you to ease her guilt.

Realize that you can do better. Be better for yourself. If she is doing these things, you can find a better woman down the road.

Hang tough. This is one of the most devestating things to endure. You can do it, and remember we are here to help.


----------



## darkdays

Thanks for all the comments I am reading each one and absorbing.
I don't think it went physical her plan was to start to do physical crap on lunch break and as she said to me he would want full sex and then she would HAVE to do it for him. Like wtf would have to??? Then she felt the sex would make him have LOVE feelings for her and he would leave his wife for her. I know people sick fing thinking. this is not the person I have known for the last almost 20 years. 
after the blow up I contacted the guy via facebook and told him your not going to ask her out to lunch, or anything and it best be professional. I did that to document stuff. I knew what he was going to do. so I showed my wife male grooming sites how they groom woman at the office and she became enraged and disgusted when she figured out what he was doing. He was mirroring all her likes and wants. Then I told her he would come after her job once he didn't get what he wanted. Two days later he started that process once she ignored him. she brought SH charges against him and was moved to a new position. she is presently looking for another job. she sees the guy totally ignored her after my email to him. she sees hes a none man. Now she is begging to stay with me but I am pretty disgusted. she has not written the wife yet cause she didn't want drama at work. once she is out of there that will take place. If it was physical she would be gone and I would be at the dudes door already. I am pretty positive it didn't especially since her plan she informed me of. time not missing etc. honestly its a disgrace I don't want anyone to know. my mind is fifty shades of ****ed up. Yes I think I was too nice to her. plus I been seeing her since she was 18 so she doesn't understand what scum some guys can be. all she has known is me being cool to her. I hope time does something cause I don't even feel married anymore. she is crying, and your the only one and I love you the best etc but its coming from the same person that was planning to do what she was planning to do.


----------



## tom67

Don't wait for her to tell the wife YOU do it asap.


----------



## darkdays

oh I didn't add this part she bought the dude a birthday present 6 months before his b day. Plus he sent her a cookie recipe and she baked him cookies. I found this all out going through 1500 messages on her ipod that didn't have her email security on it. no love messages, nothing romantic found, nothing like that. It was all fantasy and office flirting and progressing until I figured crap out and stopped it.


----------



## darkdays

I don't want to tell the wife, and put my wife at some kind of physical risk after work from her ex boss. I will wait until she is out of there.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

darkdays said:


> Thanks for all the comments I am reading each one and absorbing.
> I don't think it went physical her plan was to start to do physical crap on lunch break and as she said to me he would want full sex and then she would HAVE to do it for him. Like wtf would have to??? Then she felt the sex would make him have LOVE feelings for her and he would leave his wife for her. I know people sick fing thinking. this is not the person I have known for the last almost 20 years.
> after the blow up I contacted the guy via facebook and told him your not going to ask her out to lunch, or anything and it best be professional. I did that to document stuff. I knew what he was going to do. so I showed my wife male grooming sites how they groom woman at the office and she became enraged and disgusted when she figured out what he was doing. He was mirroring all her likes and wants. Then I told her he would come after her job once he didn't get what he wanted. Two days later he started that process once she ignored him. she brought SH charges against him and was moved to a new position. she is presently looking for another job. she sees the guy totally ignored her after my email to him. she sees hes a none man. Now she is begging to stay with me but I am pretty disgusted. she has not written the wife yet cause she didn't want drama at work. once she is out of there that will take place. If it was physical she would be gone and I would be at the dudes door already. I am pretty positive it didn't especially since her plan she informed me of. time not missing etc. honestly its a disgrace I don't want anyone to know. my mind is fifty shades of ****ed up. Yes I think I was too nice to her. plus I been seeing her since she was 18 so she doesn't understand what scum some guys can be. all she has known is me being cool to her. I hope time does something cause I don't even feel married anymore. she is crying, and your the only one and I love you the best etc but its coming from the same person that was planning to do what she was planning to do.


I am wondering if others have heard of this type of behavior before. I mean it is so far fetched for her to think the way she did and for it to not have been physical but for her to believe she could get it to that point with her plan in her head. It screams mental issues to me. Not the selfish spouse we usually here of but a person with real problems that require therapy and possibly medication. This guy aside, what is next? Think about it. Is she not to be around men of power at any point in the future. It was a huge catalyst in her fantasy and seems to me it was much more him than her. Not that he is clean here but I think your wife may need some real evaluation. Not to mention a polygraph.


----------



## Anuvia

Why is she filing sexual harassment charges against the guy? Wasn't she the one planning on seducing him? She was the perpetrator not the victim.


----------



## doubletrouble

darkdays said:


> so I showed my wife male grooming sites how they groom woman at the office and she became enraged and disgusted when she figured out what he was doing.
> 
> *OMG I had no idea such places exist! It is the internet, however. I guess parts of me are still naive. *
> 
> she is crying, and your the only one and I love you the best etc but its coming from the same person that was planning to do what she was planning to do.
> 
> *This is a tough one, as I've had the exact same feelings with my fWW. It's been almost 20 months since she fcked him and sometimes I still see her as having wanted to be HIS woman. However, I will say it does get better, and your rational mind (as long as she's truly remorseful) will overcome that "fight or flight" thing (or whatever the feeling is, that's kinda what it feels like to me) and you'll feel a little more at ease. YMMV.*


----------



## badmemory

Anuvia said:


> Why is she filing sexual harassment charges against the guy? Wasn't she the one planning on seducing him? She was the perpetrator not the victim.


Because he was her boss and in a position of influence. Doesn't matter who initiated it.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

darkdays said:


> I don't want to tell the wife, and put my wife at some kind of physical risk after work from her ex boss. I will wait until she is out of there.


GREAT! That gives him plenty of time to do damage control...

What are you going to do if you find out it has gon PA?...

I know your worte that she would be gone and you be be at his doorstep, but that's just you blowing off steam.

THINK abut what you will do if they have had sex. What's your line, limit, deal breaker?... You need to think about this because there is a distinct possibility that they have had sex.


----------



## Anuvia

badmemory said:


> Because he was her boss and in a position of influence. Doesn't matter who initiated it.


I don't want to jack the thread and go off on a tangent but this really cheapens it for people that are truly sexually harassed in the workplace.
I guess it's easier for the cheating wife and the BH to cope if they both have a common enemy. The cheating wife needs to take FULL responsibility for her actions. She wasn't sexually harassed. She was the one that was scheming on her boss and would have screwed him if he wanted to. 
Boss exercised bad judgment for entertaining the cheating woman though.


----------



## Squeakr

Anuvia said:


> I don't want to jack the thread and go off on a tangent but this really cheapens it for people that are truly sexually harassed in the workplace.
> I guess it's easier for the cheating wife and the BH to cope if they both have a common enemy. The cheating wife needs to take FULL responsibility for her actions. She wasn't sexually harassed. She was the one that was scheming on her boss and would have screwed him if he wanted to.
> Boss exercised bad judgment for entertaining the cheating woman though.


Unfortunately the nature of SH cheapens itself. It is perfectly fine for a un-connected third party to file SH charges as well. The whole idea behind SH is that you felt uncomfortable by another's sexual advances whether they were towards you or not, you just have to be a witness to them. Someone passing two people in the hall could file SH charges against both people if they felt "dirtied" by the interaction and exchange of the other two (they don't even have to know who they were just get a name). This is the effects of a litigious society.


----------



## badmemory

darkdays said:


> I don't think it went physical her plan was to start to do physical crap on lunch break and as she said to me he would want full sex and then she would HAVE to do it for him.


DD,

Either your wife has mental issues to tell you these things, or she is manipulating you with half truths - to convince you that there was no PA.

Ask her to take a polygraph and see what happens.


----------



## TDSC60

OK, she cheated (emotionally at least) and was planning on dumping you for her fantasy life with another man. Planning to trap him with mind blowing sex.

The question now is what do you want to do. Understand that the marriage you thought you had is over. Understand that the woman you married all those years ago is now dead and has been replaced by the person who chose another man over you, your kids and your marriage. Once a spouse betrays you like this you can never recover what you thought you had. The marriage and the woman you married were YOUR fantasies. They where not real. Maybe at first they were, but no longer.

The question now is; Do you want a life with the woman you are married to while understanding that she has changed so much that she is capable of the lies and betrayal that you have uncovered?


----------



## MattMatt

Wow. Your wife was played by an expert. Long term planning, long range work, she couldn't see what he was doing, as he is an expert manipulator.

Right. Name him on Cheaterville.com. And your wife needs to change jobs. 

And you both need counselling. Your wife needs some sort of intervention therapy to help cleanse her mind of his toxic vileness.


----------



## Jonesey

darkdays said:


> oh I didn't add this part she bought the dude a birthday present 6 months before his b day. Plus he sent her a cookie recipe and she baked him cookies. *I found this all out going through 1500 messages on her ipod that didn't have her email security on it. no love messages, nothing romantic found,* nothing like that. It was all fantasy and office flirting and progressing until I figured crap out and stopped it.


Please reconsider what some good people here have been trying to tell you...Given what she has told you.Don´t you find it,a little odd that there is ZERO "romantic" Bla bla in 1500 messages?? Apologies for being perhaps to blunt.Not looking to take some cheap shoot´s at you... It´s just that you make way to many excuse´s for her..(I did the same.So you´re not the only MAN who has/does it)

And there in you find a huge chuck of the potential setback in the future problem´s. I mean as hard it is right now the truth always come´s out one way or the other...


----------



## MattMatt

Anuvia said:


> Why is she filing sexual harassment charges against the guy? Wasn't she the one planning on seducing him? She was the perpetrator not the victim.


Yeah, like all those 14-year-old girls who get with an older male predator. The main thing Mr Predator does is he make the girl think they are seducing him. It's a classic technique.


----------



## Anuvia

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, like all those 14-year-old girls who get with an older male predator. The main thing Mr Predator does is he make the girl think they are seducing him. It's a classic technique.


That's not anywhere in the same ballpark as this situation. She's a grown woman and made the choice to cheat on her husband. The wife wasn't manipulated into this affair by the other man. She actively wanted it and was planning on screwing him and leaving her husband. Where is the responsibility for the cheating wife's action in this?

I think it's easier for a lot of men to believe that their wife or girlfriend was manipulated by a predator instead of accepting that she just wanted some new d!ck from a new man.


----------



## MattMatt

Anuvia said:


> That's not anywhere in the same ballpark as this situation. She's a grown woman and made the choice to cheat on her husband. The wife wasn't manipulated into this affair by the other man. She actively wanted it and was planning on screwing him and leaving her husband. Where is the responsibility for the cheating wife's action in this?
> 
> I think it's easier for a lot of men to believe that their wife or girlfriend was manipulated by a predator instead of accepting that she just wanted some new d!ck from a new man.


*She is responsible, too. That's true.* But I do wonder how many other women Mr Predator has ensnared?


----------



## darkdays

I didn't add the crap he did at work for the SH. first off he was her superior. secondly he asked her to lunch like 8 times. he came up behind her in her chair like a behind hug and whispered in her ear some work crap. he pretended to demonstrate how some nurse gave him a cardiac exam and came up like two inches from her body without touching her but was leaning over her in a chair all before this all started. he showed her how to get free magazines on the web but had like porn magazines on there as well so she could see them on the screen. he did some other crap like that way crossed the line. then when he saw she was not going to do anything after I contacted him he gave her evil looks and started sending out emails criticizing her with higher ups cc. So he was planning to get her fired. 

thanks for the responses I will read them all later its very helpful actually.


----------



## Acabado

The fact she can sue him doesn't mean she should. She's the agressor here. Ridiculous: he made me feel like I wanted to f0ck him and destroy both marriages.


----------



## life101

You need to tell the OMW. That's the decent thing to do. 

I wouldn't assume anything at this point of time. You believe it was not PA because she told you so. How can you trust her?

Schedule a polygraph test. And see what her reaction is- before the test, and on the day of the test. She was also responsible for what happened. Blaming others will not solve the core problem- her poor understanding of the concept of marriage and boundary. This time your 'marriage' might 'survive', but for how long?

Polygraph, MC, IC. Don't rugsweep.


----------



## Acabado

darkdays said:


> I didn't add the crap he did at work for the SH. first off he was her superior. secondly he asked her to lunch like 8 times. he came up behind her in her chair like a behind hug and whispered in her ear some work crap. he pretended to demonstrate how some nurse gave him a cardiac exam and came up like two inches from her body without touching her but was leaning over her in a chair all before this all started. he showed her how to get free magazines on the web but had like porn magazines on there as well so she could see them on the screen. he did some other crap like that way crossed the line. then when he saw she was not going to do anything after I contacted him he gave her evil looks and started sending out emails criticizing her with higher ups cc. So he was planning to get her fired.


Weel, I recant. This really sounds sexual harrasment.
Then I believe you were tight, he was grooming her for a while. Honestly I believed first you were in the BS fog trying to keep your wife in the pedestal.


----------



## tom67

Acabado said:


> Weel, I recant. This really sounds sexual harrasment.
> Then I believe you were tight, he was grooming her for a while. Honestly I believed first you were in the BS fog trying to keep your wife in the pedestal.


All the more reason to tell his wife NOW.


----------



## walkonmars

Oh I'm pretty sure it was way more physical than you've been told. He sounds like a very experienced player. They don't waste time with willing adult women. Not at all.

Ask her if she's willing to take a polygraph. Even if you have no intention of doing it (imo you should). Better yet tell her you've scheduled one for her. Her reaction will be telling - far more than her words.


----------



## Acabado

tom67 said:


> All the more reason to tell his wife NOW.


If they are indeed involved in a legal claim it can backfire, she will look vindicative and it will put her under a worse light with HR.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

darkdays said:


> *I didn't add the crap he did at work for the SH. first off he was her superior. secondly he asked her to lunch like 8 times. he came up behind her in her chair like a behind hug and whispered in her ear some work crap. he pretended to demonstrate how some nurse gave him a cardiac exam and came up like two inches from her body without touching her but was leaning over her in a chair all before this all started. he showed her how to get free magazines on the web but had like porn magazines on there as well so she could see them on the screen. he did some other crap like that way crossed the line. then when he saw she was not going to do anything after I contacted him he gave her evil looks and started sending out emails criticizing her with higher ups cc. So he was planning to get her fired. *thanks for the responses I will read them all later its very helpful actually.


Who told you this? Your wife?...

It seems to me that what ever she's selling, you're willing to buy it.

If you have a close freind, or family member, tell him what you've told us and see what he says. I bet it's not too far off from what you're reading on here...


----------



## tom67

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Who told you this? Your wife?...
> 
> It seems to me that what ever she's selling, you're willing to buy it.
> 
> If you have a close freind, or family member, tell him what you've told us and see what he says. I bet it's not too far off from what you're reading on here...


POLYGRAPH-or at least the threat of one and see if more tt comes out.


----------



## darkdays

there was no legal action it was an internal thing with human resources. I no she was at fault as well. trust me there will be no legal action she has a lot of blame on her. The boss did not know her plans that something she told me when this all went down. He was hitting on her, she fell for it and it progressed simple as that. I broke it up while she was still in fantasy land.

Now I am dealing with the aftermath which is the main issue?? I just feel rage and numb. no happiness at all. I feel like my marriage is a vase that was broken and glued together. Its just not the same. my entire view of her has changed. I want this MF wife to know for sure. He is a piece of garbage. She isn't any any pedestal anymore trust me/


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

darkdays said:


> I didn't add the crap he did at work for the SH. first off he was her superior. secondly he asked her to lunch like 8 times. he came up behind her in her chair like a behind hug and whispered in her ear some work crap. he pretended to demonstrate how some nurse gave him a cardiac exam and came up like two inches from her body without touching her but was leaning over her in a chair all before this all started. he showed her how to get free magazines on the web but had like porn magazines on there as well so she could see them on the screen. he did some other crap like that way crossed the line. then when he saw she was not going to do anything after I contacted him he gave her evil looks and started sending out emails criticizing her with higher ups cc. So he was planning to get her fired.
> 
> thanks for the responses I will read them all later its very helpful actually.


Really? We had a thread with similar machinations stated by the wife. Now, while there was an inappropriate relationship, turns out the story went from SH, near rape, to well "I wasn't that drunk, I wasn't forced, I felt obligated because he helped me."

Yes, she had a choice. What I HATE about these situations is, it makes women look meek.


----------



## Thor

This was an affair. Why is shee still working there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

tom67 said:


> POLYGRAPH-or at least the threat of one and see if more tt comes out.


I agree 100% on this, but I don't think the OP has the fortitude to tell his WS that she needs to take one to stay married to him.

My guess is that even if he asks/tells her to take one and she agrees to it, - She will more than likely be able to talk him out of having her take it before the time comes.


----------



## tom67

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I agree 100% on this, but I don't think the OP has the fortitude to tell his WS that she needs to take one to stay married to him.
> 
> My guess is that even if he asks/tells her to take one and she agrees to it, - She will more than likely be able to talk him out of having her take it before the time comes.


Sigh-just wait when he hits the anger stage and he will we all do watch out!


----------



## alte Dame

You're dealing with a shattered image of the woman that you thought you knew so well for almost 20 years. This must feel almost surreal to you, especially since her expectations with the OM were themselves so bizarre.

You need time to process this, in my opinion. Your WW needs IC and so do you. She pushed the whole fantasy aspect of the A ito a different realm & needs therapy. You need some professional help to deal with the mind bending that you are experiencing.

I agree that you may not have the whole truth yet. The lying is unfortunately completely typical. So, all the more reason to proceed carefully and not make any quick decisions now about R.


----------



## 6301

DD

I have to tell you that IMO, your wife is feeding you bull sh!! one spoonful at a time. She's not an idiot although from what your describing, I'm not so sure about it. She knew exactly what she was doing and showing her the article you pulled up on the computer on how a boss will try to "Schmooze" his way to get her in bed and she's surprised. She's a grown woman. You think women can't see when a guy is pitching his smooth talking line to them? 

If that's not bad enough, after this ten cent affair blows up in her face, all of a sudden your the greatest thing since sliced bread and a bag of chips. Not to mention your 80k job and she's making peanuts and could not live off of it. I know your pissed and have every right to be but STOP DEFENDING HER! She looked you in the eye and told you 3 times in two weeks about separating from you and goes to work flaunting her C cups. Think she's giving you the respect you deserve? You just don't go one day thinking about the gourmet food and traveling the world and living the high life and the next day, BOOM! Back to reality. I hate to say this but through no fault of your own, you have become option #2. In other words "the fall back guy" She has to learn that with mistakes comes consequences and by defending her, she won't learn anything except that if she can get away with it once, she'll get away with it again. Play hard ball with her and let her see what life will be like if she continues to act like an ass.


----------



## tom67

6301 said:


> DD
> 
> I have to tell you that IMO, your wife is feeding you bull sh!! one spoonful at a time. She's not an idiot although from what your describing, I'm not so sure about it. She knew exactly what she was doing and showing her the article you pulled up on the computer on how a boss will try to "Schmooze" his way to get her in bed and she's surprised. She's a grown woman. You think women can't see when a guy is pitching his smooth talking line to them?
> 
> If that's not bad enough, after this ten cent affair blows up in her face, all of a sudden your the greatest thing since sliced bread and a bag of chips. Not to mention your 80k job and she's making peanuts and could not live off of it. I know your pissed and have every right to be but STOP DEFENDING HER! She looked you in the eye and told you 3 times in two weeks about separating from you and goes to work flaunting her C cups. Think she's giving you the respect you deserve? You just don't go one day thinking about the gourmet food and traveling the world and living the high life and the next day, BOOM! Back to reality. I hate to say this but through no fault of your own, you have become option #2. In other words "the fall back guy" She has to learn that with mistakes comes consequences and by defending her, she won't learn anything except that if she can get away with it once, she'll get away with it again. Play hard ball with her and let her see what life will be like if she continues to act like an ass.


Please think this through and take your time.:iagree:


----------



## happyman64

DarkDays

Alte Dame gave you sound advice.

Time is on your side. Be patient.

Your wife needs to change jobs and she needs a good shrink to help her understand just how foolishly her line of thinking truly is.

Glad you kicked her pedestal out from underneath her.

Now set a list of strong boundaries for her that you both agree to.

Maybe in time she will become the woman you knew before the EA and your feelings will return from her.

Patience. And let the OMW know after your wife gets a new job.

By the way, you acted on your gut feelings just in the nick of time.

Good for you!

HM64


----------



## Chaparral

What kind of phone does your wife have?
You can find deleted messages on some.
From what you have said, there is no way you have seen all the messages.
How did she start telling you what her plans were?


----------



## workindad

OP you are basing much of your story on what your wife is telling you. No offense, but cheaters lie. It is the norm. 

Polygraph her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

She wanted to bang him, he wanted to bang her but what stood in between them?

I think she is feeding you BS. Ask her to take a Polygraph. If she agrees do it. Stop finding excuses for her. It will only back fire you in future.

I think you need to get tested for STDS.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

workindad said:


> OP *you are basing much of your story on what your wife is telling you. No offense, but cheaters lie.* It is the norm.
> 
> Polygraph her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Thorburn

nogutsnoglory said:


> I am wondering if others have heard of this type of behavior before. I mean it is so far fetched for her to think the way she did and for it to not have been physical but for her to believe she could get it to that point with her plan in her head. It screams mental issues to me. Not the selfish spouse we usually here of but a person with real problems that require therapy and possibly medication. This guy aside, what is next? Think about it. Is she not to be around men of power at any point in the future. It was a huge catalyst in her fantasy and seems to me it was much more him than her. Not that he is clean here but I think your wife may need some real evaluation. Not to mention a polygraph.


I am going to put on my clinical hat. This behavior is very well in line with cheaters. The fantasy, the plans on exiting the current M for a new refreshing, exciting one. Wanting to steal the OM from his family and win his love. The passion she speaks about on wanting to have sex with the OM. The increased sexual activity with her husband is quite indicative of someone who has sexual fantasies and is acting them out with her husband. The boredom at home, etc. Seems typical, normal cheater mindset to me.

The OP by the way is typical of most of us BS'ers. Clueless. Shocked. We do our duty to the best of our ability. We are not perfect and then out of the blue we find out our spouse is cheating on us.

I do not see the WS mental in the clinical sense, just typical low life cheater behavior and thinking.


----------



## Thorburn

darkdays said:


> I don't want to tell the wife, and put my wife at some kind of physical risk after work from her ex boss. I will wait until she is out of there.


Why would your wife be at physcial risk? Seriously.

If this is a concern then your wife and you should speak to HR or someone up the corporate chain.


----------



## Chaparral

One more time, cheaters lie, believe nothing you hear from her. Btw, then they lie some more, they can't help it.


----------



## Thorburn

Jonesey said:


> Please reconsider what some good people here have been trying to tell you...Given what she has told you.Don´t you find it,a little odd that there is ZERO "romantic" Bla bla in 1500 messages?? Apologies for being perhaps to blunt.Not looking to take some cheap shoot´s at you... It´s just that you make way to many excuse´s for her..(I did the same.So you´re not the only MAN who has/does it)
> 
> And there in you find a huge chuck of the potential setback in the future problem´s. I mean as hard it is right now the truth always come´s out one way or the other...


:iagree: I did the same thing. Folks here on TAM would comment and I would make excuses. Wake up.

1500 messages and nothing romantic, no sex talk, no plans on hooking up, no discussion about what a rotten person you are. This is part of your story that is not making sense to me


----------



## Thorburn

darkdays said:


> I didn't add the crap he did at work for the SH. first off he was her superior. secondly he asked her to lunch like 8 times. he came up behind her in her chair like a behind hug and whispered in her ear some work crap. he pretended to demonstrate how some nurse gave him a cardiac exam and came up like two inches from her body without touching her but was leaning over her in a chair all before this all started. he showed her how to get free magazines on the web but had like porn magazines on there as well so she could see them on the screen. he did some other crap like that way crossed the line. then when he saw she was not going to do anything after I contacted him he gave her evil looks and started sending out emails criticizing her with higher ups cc. So he was planning to get her fired.
> 
> thanks for the responses I will read them all later its very helpful actually.


Where are you getting your information? From your wife correct? Cheaters lie. Right now you have to say to myself *HOW DO I FIND OUT THE TRUTH?*

Go back and read your first post and pull your head out of the sand and reread what you wrote. Your wife *(YOUR WIFE)*
, started dressing in ways she did not before. Your wife *(YOUR WIFE)* started wearing bubble gum nail polish. Your wife *(YOUR WIFE)* started spending a lot of time on the PC. Your wife *(YOUR WIFE)* not the OM is at fault here. You are just like many of us at the beginning, we shift the blame on the OM/OW. In some cases sure, but in your case, mine and many others here on TAM it is mainly our WS's fault and what you wrote shows a clear, deliberate, decisive, anc conscience effort on your wife's part, without the OM's influence in the beginning at all. 

Sure the OM traveled the world and ate exotic foods. Maybe that was the hook for your wife. Hel* I have traveled the world, even ate dog, but WTH. The guy is a loser, but enough about the OM. 

Your wife was in fantasy land. Found excitment. Had fantasy plans of traveling the world with her new love interest. Very typical.

I would suggest the following:

1. NC with the OM from your wife. None.
2. Get rid of all social networking that your wife has on the PC. If you still want FB, you share one together.
3. Get all current and past accounts and PWs for anything she had and has. 
4. If you can afford it get the computer tested forensically. The better companies will require an attorney to do it. Honestly it will cost about $1,000.00, give or take, plus the attorney fees. 
5. Unless there are good reasons to stay, your wife should immediately quit her job. 
6. I would inform the OM's wife.
7. Look at going on some meds for a few months.


----------



## Carlchurchill

how long ago prior to this did she read 50 shades of grey? I blame that book for her looking to spice things up!!!


----------



## darkdays

6301, alte, thorburn. all good comments giving me food for thought. Much of what she did makes no damn sense. she did try to lie in the beginning telling me she was just considering what would happen if anything physical would happen. that i would find out and throw her out and she would have to go with the other guy. my response was your stupid bi. first of all the dude is married with kids he would only use your for your vag and dump you. secondly if i said get out how does that force you to be with anyone. It took a couple montsh and he latest revelation a few days ago becuase nothing made sense to get the story out of her about wanting to leave with him. i said to her you had no romantic talk, no kissing, no real touching other then brushing against each other now and then, just flirting and you took that to the next level in your mind and wanted to be with this guy??? I said to her your mentally sick wtf is wrong with you. I known you 20 years and you would blow that up for thoughts??? Thats part of what pisses me off. some people have affairs for years with sex and romance and don't leave who they are with. It was all irrational BS. Then in the last month before it blew up is when she started the sex with me everyday, the dressing sexy, etc and i put two and two together. If i had not blown it up she probably would have slept with the dude that week and continiued the journey. The 1500 emails were all her emails. i only found one from him and it was talking about a cookie recipie with MMMMMMM in the title. My dumb ***** wife actually baked cookies and brought them into work. we had some at home. i didnt realize her real motivation was to do it for him until i found the email. Thats when i found the email where she was talking to an internet friend saying how i am all there physically but emotionally i dont talk deep to her, i dont show day to day concern etc. which is all BS. she was trying to convince herself i was some ********* so she could persue this guy in her way. It didnt go physical cause he is not an alpha male, he is a goof ball from what i hear from her friend. That was one edering thing she liked about him his goofy personality. the dude is bald with a gut and like 7 years older then her. IT MAKES NO SENSE. I am trying to make sense of it. Thats one reason i am here. Now like someone said all of sudden she realizes i been a great husband all along and she is crying and i will show you how much i love you etc. BUT i feel like a second choice to an utter loser. The dude wears adult feeti pajamsa to bed. what kind of a man does that. meanwhile i am a 2nd degree black belt, i have a good job doing tech work. SHE BLEW up everything for what imaginaery penis??? For a fantasy land of travel??? HE so got her turned on with what??? talking about how much he hated his life and his wife??? he used to bring her in the office according to her and tell her his goofy travel storys and complain about his mother in law and wife etc. So what she wanted to rescue him from his bad life???? None of it makes sense. I have had girls offer my BJ in my office at work and turned them down cause i am married and i did care about my wife. i been tempted a lot and never did anything and she gets hit on by a loser and over the course of a year falls for the guy and makes this entire fantasy in her head. I have NOOOO doubt it was going physical that week if i didnt blow it up.


----------



## Thorburn

darkdays said:


> there was no legal action it was an internal thing with human resources. I no she was at fault as well. trust me there will be no legal action she has a lot of blame on her. The boss did not know her plans that something she told me when this all went down. He was hitting on her, she fell for it and it progressed simple as that. I broke it up while she was still in fantasy land.
> 
> Now I am dealing with the aftermath which is the main issue?? I just feel rage and numb. no happiness at all. I feel like my marriage is a vase that was broken and glued together. Its just not the same. my entire view of her has changed. I want this MF wife to know for sure. He is a piece of garbage. She isn't any any pedestal anymore trust me/


Rage, numbness, feeling less then a man, no happiness, no joy, etc are all part of discovery and it will go on for a while.

It will be a roller coaster ride emotionally.

I would suggest that you get on some meds. I resisted all the advice in 2011 and 2012. I had meds for my PTSD from combat but was not taking them. On d-day 1 million in Feb of this year I grabbed that bottle and started taking them. It helped.

Stay off the booze. I thought booze was a friend and booze is no friend.

Listen to what your wife is saying. I am not suggesting that you buy it all or even most of it, but listen to her. I don't mean just the words. Her words and actions will reveal where she is at in regards to you.

Don't make any quick decisions on D or R or even separation. Right now is not the time to make long term decisions. You have time to sort things out.

Do get VARs. Place one in her car. Weightlifter has commented on which ones are good.

Don't believe her. Hopefully you will get the truth.


----------



## Thorburn

darkdays said:


> 6301, alte, thorburn. all good comments giving me food for thought. Much of what she did makes no damn sense. she did try to lie in the beginning telling me she was just considering what would happen if anything physical would happen. that i would find out and throw her out and she would have to go with the other guy. my response was your stupid bi. first of all the dude is married with kids he would only use your for your vag and dump you. secondly if i said get out how does that force you to be with anyone. It took a couple montsh and he latest revelation a few days ago becuase nothing made sense to get the story out of her about wanting to leave with him. i said to her you had no romantic talk, no kissing, no real touching other then brushing against each other now and then, just flirting and you took that to the next level in your mind and wanted to be with this guy??? I said to her your mentally sick wtf is wrong with you. I known you 20 years and you would blow that up for thoughts??? Thats part of what pisses me off. some people have affairs for years with sex and romance and don't leave who they are with. It was all irrational BS. Then in the last month before it blew up is when she started the sex with me everyday, the dressing sexy, etc and i put two and two together. If i had not blown it up she probably would have slept with the dude that week and continiued the journey. The 1500 emails were all her emails. i only found one from him and it was talking about a cookie recipie with MMMMMMM in the title. My dumb ***** wife actually baked cookies and brought them into work. we had some at home. i didnt realize her real motivation was to do it for him until i found the email. Thats when i found the email where she was talking to an internet friend saying how i am all there physically but emotionally i dont talk deep to her, i dont show day to day concern etc. which is all BS. she was trying to convince herself i was some ********* so she could persue this guy in her way. It didnt go physical cause he is not an alpha male, he is a goof ball from what i hear from her friend. That was one edering thing she liked about him his goofy personality. the dude is bald with a gut and like 7 years older then her. IT MAKES NO SENSE. I am trying to make sense of it. Thats one reason i am here. Now like someone said all of sudden she realizes i been a great husband all along and she is crying and i will show you how much i love you etc. BUT i feel like a second choice to an utter loser. The dude wears adult feeti pajamsa to bed. what kind of a man does that. meanwhile i am a 2nd degree black belt, i have a good job doing tech work. SHE BLEW up everything for what imaginaery penis??? For a fantasy land of travel??? HE so got her turned on with what??? talking about how much he hated his life and his wife??? he used to bring her in the office according to her and tell her his goofy travel storys and complain about his mother in law and wife etc. So what she wanted to rescue him from his bad life???? None of it makes sense. I have had girls offer my BJ in my office at work and turned them down cause i am married and i did care about my wife. i been tempted a lot and never did anything and she gets hit on by a loser and over the course of a year falls for the guy and makes this entire fantasy in her head. I have NOOOO doubt it was going physical that week if i didnt blow it up.

















You will never ever make sense of it. It does not matter so much about the OM. He could had been Brad Pitt or Uncle Fester. Many cheaters cheat with people who are lower then the BS. It was the attention he gave her (IMO). 

You will feel like 2nd choice and a loser for quite a while. I still do. In reality and in truth you are not. You are the man. The invisible loser tattoo that you wear on your forehead will hopefully fade and go away. You more than likely feel like less of a man. You are not and those feelings of being 2nd, a loser, etc are just that, feelings. You see, we allow our WS to dictate the terms of our feelings and based on what you are saying that was not your wife's intent. It is really a result of what she has done to you but in reality it is false. I am dealing with this as well as you and it suc*s, but keep telling yourself when you have those pity parties that you had nothing to do with what she attempted to do and what she actually did. It is all her fault and not yours. 

I do believe you stopped her from going PA. Some say that an EA is as emotionally damaging and in some reports even more so than being raped. 

You are tracking very well. You have good insights. Just know the pain will not go away for a while.

Also, know that there may be more. Typically cheaters use code, like I just kissed the OM - in cheater code that often times means we had sex. That is why I suggested you listen to what your wife is saying. The very words she uses may reveal all you need to know. So keep listening.


----------



## Carlchurchill

I think what she says about you being there physically and not meeting her emotional needs may be true but not due to you not meeting her needs but more about familiarity breeding contempt!

See when you listen to your wife or complement her looks etc it doesn't quite get the stomach butterflies fluttering around as much as when a stranger does it...unfortunately 10-20 years has that effect!


----------



## 6301

Dark days.

It doesn't matter if the guy sleeps in onesy's with feet or if he's bald and dumpy. He still has a di!k and no doubt it still works even if he has to take "PENIS HELPER", it still works. Take what she's saying with a grain of salt and if you want to know the truth, take her to get a polygraph. What you need now is some kind of peace of mind and until you do, you still continue to live a nightmare. You owe this to yourself and the sooner the better

Maybe the reason she liked him was because he is a beta male and with her mind set and C cups, beta males can be controlled and they will do what she asks of him which makes it double easy to get whatever she's after. Please get the polygraph done and at least you can have a better mind set and make your decisions easier.


----------



## Anuvia

6301 said:


> DD
> 
> I have to tell you that IMO, your wife is feeding you bull sh!! one spoonful at a time. She's not an idiot although from what your describing, I'm not so sure about it. She knew exactly what she was doing and showing her the article you pulled up on the computer on how a boss will try to "Schmooze" his way to get her in bed and she's surprised. She's a grown woman. You think women can't see when a guy is pitching his smooth talking line to them?
> 
> If that's not bad enough, after this ten cent affair blows up in her face, all of a sudden your the greatest thing since sliced bread and a bag of chips. Not to mention your 80k job and she's making peanuts and could not live off of it. I know your pissed and have every right to be but STOP DEFENDING HER! She looked you in the eye and told you 3 times in two weeks about separating from you and goes to work flaunting her C cups. Think she's giving you the respect you deserve? You just don't go one day thinking about the gourmet food and traveling the world and living the high life and the next day, BOOM! Back to reality. I hate to say this but through no fault of your own, you have become option #2. In other words "the fall back guy" She has to learn that with mistakes comes consequences and by defending her, she won't learn anything except that if she can get away with it once, she'll get away with it again. Play hard ball with her and let her see what life will be like if she continues to act like an ass.


OP...You better listen to this man. He knows what he's talking about.


----------



## Anuvia

darkdays said:


> 6301, alte, thorburn. all good comments giving me food for thought. Much of what she did makes no damn sense. she did try to lie in the beginning telling me she was just considering what would happen if anything physical would happen. that i would find out and throw her out and she would have to go with the other guy. my response was your stupid bi. first of all the dude is married with kids he would only use your for your vag and dump you. secondly if i said get out how does that force you to be with anyone. It took a couple montsh and he latest revelation a few days ago becuase nothing made sense to get the story out of her about wanting to leave with him. i said to her you had no romantic talk, no kissing, no real touching other then brushing against each other now and then, just flirting and you took that to the next level in your mind and wanted to be with this guy??? I said to her your mentally sick wtf is wrong with you. I known you 20 years and you would blow that up for thoughts??? Thats part of what pisses me off. some people have affairs for years with sex and romance and don't leave who they are with. It was all irrational BS. Then in the last month before it blew up is when she started the sex with me everyday, the dressing sexy, etc and i put two and two together. If i had not blown it up she probably would have slept with the dude that week and continiued the journey. The 1500 emails were all her emails. i only found one from him and it was talking about a cookie recipie with MMMMMMM in the title. My dumb ***** wife actually baked cookies and brought them into work. we had some at home. i didnt realize her real motivation was to do it for him until i found the email. Thats when i found the email where she was talking to an internet friend saying how i am all there physically but emotionally i dont talk deep to her, i dont show day to day concern etc. which is all BS. she was trying to convince herself i was some ********* so she could persue this guy in her way. It didnt go physical cause he is not an alpha male, he is a goof ball from what i hear from her friend. That was one edering thing she liked about him his goofy personality. the dude is bald with a gut and like 7 years older then her. IT MAKES NO SENSE. I am trying to make sense of it. Thats one reason i am here. Now like someone said all of sudden she realizes i been a great husband all along and she is crying and i will show you how much i love you etc. BUT i feel like a second choice to an utter loser. The dude wears adult feeti pajamsa to bed. what kind of a man does that. meanwhile i am a 2nd degree black belt, i have a good job doing tech work. SHE BLEW up everything for what imaginaery penis??? For a fantasy land of travel??? HE so got her turned on with what??? talking about how much he hated his life and his wife??? he used to bring her in the office according to her and tell her his goofy travel storys and complain about his mother in law and wife etc. So what she wanted to rescue him from his bad life???? None of it makes sense. I have had girls offer my BJ in my office at work and turned them down cause i am married and i did care about my wife. i been tempted a lot and never did anything and she gets hit on by a loser and over the course of a year falls for the guy and makes this entire fantasy in her head. I have NOOOO doubt it was going physical that week if i didnt blow it up.


Dude..Your wife has been lying. She's running game on you.


----------



## darkdays

Thorburn you are right thats exactly what i am feeling.
6301 i never thought of that. I am an aplha male so thats makes sense this dude was all controlled by her hot **** while i am not. She did write in her email to her friend that she enjoyed it when other men would show her attention. That makes sense. strange man attention sending a thrill up her leg so to speak. she probably like that he was her *****. add that to his so called world travel and exotic food storys. MEDS no kidding.

how long does it take for these feelings to go away or dim down. she may not have slept with the guy but to me it seems even worse this fantasy obsession and all the stuff she said to me. Why would you say that to any man let alone the guy who you have been with for almost 20 years over a no body. i feel decimated. my entire vision of my world flipped and she did it all after my dad had judt died and i am taking care of my mom who had stage 4 colon cancer. Who said it, they are right its like being in a nightmare and you can't wake up. you just want it to not be there. Has anyone stayed with the wife after something like this and felt good about being with her????


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

darkdays said:


> Thorburn you are right thats exactly what i am feeling.
> 6301 i never thought of that. I am an aplha male so thats makes sense this dude was all controlled by her hot **** while i am not. She did write in her email to her friend that she enjoyed it when other men would show her attention. That makes sense. strange man attention sending a thrill up her leg so to speak. she probably like that he was her *****. add that to his so called world travel and exotic food storys. MEDS no kidding.
> 
> how long does it take for these feelings to go away or dim down. she may not have slept with the guy but to me it seems even worse this fantasy obsession and all the stuff she said to me. Why would you say that to any man let alone the guy who you have been with for almost 20 years over a no body. i feel decimated. my entire vision of my world flipped and *she did it all after my dad had judt died and i am taking care of my mom who had stage 4 colon cancer.* Who said it, they are right its like being in a nightmare and you can't wake up. you just want it to not be there. Has anyone stayed with the wife after something like this and felt good about being with her????


I think you may have found your smoking gun for the why. Assuming you were not as available physically and mentally because of grieving over your dad plus trying to take care of your mom, your wife probably felt "neglected". That's just my hunch, and it's a huge shame if this is the reason she was "pushed" into cheating on you.


----------



## Thor

Get a full complete panel STD test just to be sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nogutsnoglory

darkdays said:


> Thorburn you are right thats exactly what i am feeling.
> 6301 i never thought of that. I am an aplha male so thats makes sense this dude was all controlled by her hot **** while i am not. She did write in her email to her friend that she enjoyed it when other men would show her attention. That makes sense. strange man attention sending a thrill up her leg so to speak. she probably like that he was her *****. add that to his so called world travel and exotic food storys. MEDS no kidding.
> 
> how long does it take for these feelings to go away or dim down. she may not have slept with the guy but to me it seems even worse this fantasy obsession and all the stuff she said to me. Why would you say that to any man let alone the guy who you have been with for almost 20 years over a no body. i feel decimated. my entire vision of my world flipped and she did it all after my dad had judt died and i am taking care of my mom who had stage 4 colon cancer. Who said it, they are right its like being in a nightmare and you can't wake up. you just want it to not be there. Has anyone stayed with the wife after something like this and felt good about being with her????


I give you credit man. I would have dropped her off at his place. Considered it house cleaning and moved on. Too selfish for me to handle. Sounds like a mental issue but life is way too short to be treated this way, regardless of the why it happened.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope her mental health improves for both your sakes.


----------



## darkdays

the beta male thing makes sense. i found this douchbage was like memorizing what she liked on her food or how she liked it from multiple places. he would run and get soda or orange juice from the vending machine. compliment her. etc. meanwhile his wife gets nothing for valentines day, she is working and he is trying to get into the pants of the girl at work. He was just not aggressive enough probably wanted her to make the first move. I think she bought into all that and thought he cared etc. in anycase she is wrong 100 percent. No actually i was there for my wife despite the life crap going on. we were going for night walks with the kids, watching tv together, etc but with work and all i can't be there running to the vending machine when she needs a soda if you know what i mean. i was cooking dinner cause she got out later, i was shopping for the food, and doing a lot of the cleaning. So she has no leg to stand on to even imply i was a cause for anything. If i was going out every night drinking, or at some clube or not giving her sex them maybe she had a case but it wasnt like that. She should of been there for me after my dad died but instead she was flirting with the boss and having some kind of office dating relationship.


----------



## Thorburn

darkdays said:


> Thorburn you are right thats exactly what i am feeling.
> 6301 i never thought of that. I am an aplha male so thats makes sense this dude was all controlled by her hot **** while i am not. She did write in her email to her friend that she enjoyed it when other men would show her attention. That makes sense. strange man attention sending a thrill up her leg so to speak. she probably like that he was her *****. add that to his so called world travel and exotic food storys. MEDS no kidding.
> 
> how long does it take for these feelings to go away or dim down. she may not have slept with the guy but to me it seems even worse this fantasy obsession and all the stuff she said to me. Why would you say that to any man let alone the guy who you have been with for almost 20 years over a no body. i feel decimated. my entire vision of my world flipped and she did it all after my dad had judt died and i am taking care of my mom who had stage 4 colon cancer. Who said it, they are right its like being in a nightmare and you can't wake up. you just want it to not be there. Has anyone stayed with the wife after something like this and felt good about being with her????


Some experts say it takes 2 to 5 years to get over this crap.


----------



## Thorburn

darkdays said:


> the beta male thing makes sense. i found this douchbage was like memorizing what she liked on her food or how she liked it from multiple places. he would run and get soda or orange juice from the vending machine. compliment her. etc. meanwhile his wife gets nothing for valentines day, she is working and he is trying to get into the pants of the girl at work. He was just not aggressive enough probably wanted her to make the first move. I think she bought into all that and thought he cared etc. in anycase she is wrong 100 percent. No actually i was there for my wife despite the life crap going on. we were going for night walks with the kids, watching tv together, etc but with work and all i can't be there running to the vending machine when she needs a soda if you know what i mean. i was cooking dinner cause she got out later, i was shopping for the food, and doing a lot of the cleaning. So she has no leg to stand on to even imply i was a cause for anything. If i was going out every night drinking, or at some clube or not giving her sex them maybe she had a case but it wasnt like that. She should of been there for me after my dad died but instead she was flirting with the boss and having some kind of office dating relationship.


You really do not know what the dude gave his wife or didn't give his wife on Valentine's day, if it is based upon what your wife told you. Or, maybe the dude lied to your wife and told her that to show that she is more special than his wife. 

On the anniversity of my father's death in February my wife would not respond to me at all. She told the XOM on the recording all about it, how I expected her to stop what she was doing to console me. Really. When I went into the kitchen to tell her I was having a hard time as my father died during the half time show of the Superball, my wife ignored me and went downstairs and started doing laundry.

When they are in the fog of the A the BS does not matter to the WS.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

darkdays said:


> the beta male thing makes sense. i found this douchbage was like memorizing what she liked on her food or how she liked it from multiple places. he would run and get soda or orange juice from the vending machine. compliment her. etc. meanwhile his wife gets nothing for valentines day, she is working and he is trying to get into the pants of the girl at work. He was just not aggressive enough probably wanted her to make the first move. I think she bought into all that and thought he cared etc. in anycase she is wrong 100 percent. *No actually i was there for my wife despite the life crap going on. we were going for night walks with the kids, watching tv together, etc* but with work and all i can't be there running to the vending machine when she needs a soda if you know what i mean. i was cooking dinner cause she got out later, i was shopping for the food, and doing a lot of the cleaning. So she has no leg to stand on to even imply i was a cause for anything. If i was going out every night drinking, or at some clube or not giving her sex them maybe she had a case but it wasnt like that. She should of been there for me after my dad died but instead she was flirting with the boss and having some kind of office dating relationship.


Hmmm, then my speculation would be that is why she stated that you were there physically but not emotionally. I'm just speculating and am in now way accusing you of being the root cause of her cheating. The fact that you did your best to keep up a normal marital life with her despite everything that was going on is a big feather in your cap. What I'm guessing is that despite your best efforts, you probably were not always there mentally even if you were physically. I'm only trying to help you puzzle through what could have triggered her to fall for the OM's charm.

Personally, I think your wife is an extremely selfish witch. It looks like you did all the right things and she turned around and stabbed you in the back. As crazy as it may sound though, I do believe that your wife is using the issues you had to deal with concerning your parents as her reason to cheat. Instead of being 100% there mentally, you were probably only there 80% of the time. She has no idea how good she had it with a husband that wanted to keep his marriage strong in the face of personal loss.


----------



## darkdays

thorburn 2 t 5 years just wow i really hope thats wrong. wow on what your wife did unreal man. I am sorry for that bro. my wife wrote that email to her friend about liking mens attention and me not being there emotionally 7 days after my dads first death anniversarry. you guys are right in the fog of their A they just don't give a damn. plan 9 yes selfish indeed. I am disgusted by her actions and now she wants a second chance. i honestly have no clue what to do right now i am just going through the motions.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

darkdays said:


> the beta male thing makes sense. i found this douchbage was like memorizing what she liked on her food or how she liked it from multiple places. he would run and get soda or orange juice from the vending machine. compliment her. etc. meanwhile his wife gets nothing for valentines day, she is working and he is trying to get into the pants of the girl at work. He was just not aggressive enough probably wanted her to make the first move. I think she bought into all that and thought he cared etc. in anycase she is wrong 100 percent. No actually i was there for my wife despite the life crap going on. we were going for night walks with the kids, watching tv together, etc but with work and all i can't be there running to the vending machine when she needs a soda if you know what i mean. i was cooking dinner cause she got out later, i was shopping for the food, and doing a lot of the cleaning. So she has no leg to stand on to even imply i was a cause for anything. If i was going out every night drinking, or at some clube or not giving her sex them maybe she had a case but it wasnt like that. She should of been there for me after my dad died but instead she was flirting with the boss and having some kind of office dating relationship.


darkdays:

the person most in need of IC right now is YOU. You have been hit, apparently out of the blue, with a very traumatic set of admissions from your wife. You are like a surviving office worker from the World Trade Center after 911. you've gone through a life-changing event and you need to talk with a well-trained professional to help you cope with this.

your wife needs IC as well, though that is her decision.


----------



## ThePheonix

darkdays said:


> I didn't add the crap he did at work for the SH.


Sexual harassment is defined, in part, as unwelcome sexual advances. How did this rise to that level. From what you've said about her feelings, sexy dressing, birthday presents, cookies, 1500 emails, it doesn't sound all that "unwelcome" to me. If fact, it appears to me she was the aggressor. 
The way you describe it, it sounds to me that he could have had her if he wanted. Maybe he didn't because he was her supervisor. Now everyone is wanting to paint him as a POS, sexual predictor, and wanting to damage his career because somebody's chick had the hots for him. Give me a break.


----------



## 6301

Dark days

If there were 40 hours in the day, and you gave her 39 of them, I have a feeling that she would pull the same bone head stunt she did with Mr Onsey. You didn't give her the last hour. What you have here is a very self centered, selfish woman who fully believes that her wants and needs come first and it doesn't matter at whose expense. She's already proved it first hand by dangling her feminine charms to her boss for whatever gains she was hoping for. 

I think it's time that you take the bull by the horns and let her know that she either tucks her titties back in her shirt, climbs down off her chrome horse and act like a respectable, and worthy wife rather than some kind of Goddess of the great unwashed who thinks that your life as well as all the other men who she thinks should be worshiping at her feet for her selfish whims, or put her on a bus to reality and ship her out. You don't need this. Look yourself in the mirror and ask the guy looking back at you for advice. Bet you he tells you that you deserve better than your getting. 

One other thing. If she's begging for another chance..........., let her beg a little more and if you decide to give her another chance, you had better let her know that it's on your terms and yours alone. Remind her that she's half way out the door as it is and one slip up and "baby it's cold outside" and stick to it.


----------



## Anuvia

Is divorce an option for you DD?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

darkdays said:


> It took a couple montsh and he latest revelation a few days ago becuase nothing made sense to get the story out of her about wanting to leave with him. i said to her you had no romantic talk, no kissing, no real touching other then brushing against each other now and then, just flirting and you took that to the next level in your mind and wanted to be with this guy??? I said to her your mentally sick wtf is wrong with you. I known you 20 years and you would blow that up for thoughts??? Thats part of what pisses me off. some people have affairs for years with sex and romance and don't leave who they are with. It was all irrational BS. Then in the last month before it blew up is when she started the sex with me everyday, the dressing sexy, etc and i put two and two together.


My point exactly. No one goes through all this for someone that they haven't ben PHYSICAL with......


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

You need IC ASAP. 

You need the full story ASAP.

Go back and read what you wrote. You are raging at a guy who barely responded to 1500 emails? I hope that was a typo an you meant 15 or 150. Still bad, but 1500 makes your wife look like the predator. That's borderline obsession in my book.

Sorry, no offense meant.


----------



## weightlifter

Darkdays. What country are you from? Your english appears a bit stilted. Laws may be different.

Actually many players use being a friend as their base. Especially if they cant rely on looks or "bad boy"

Player 101 is neither hard nor complicated.


----------



## livinfree

Thorburn said:


> On the anniversity of my father's death in February my wife would not respond to me at all. She told the XOM on the recording all about it, how I expected her to stop what she was doing to console me. Really. When I went into the kitchen to tell her I was having a hard time as my father died during the half time show of the Superball, my wife ignored me and went downstairs and started doing laundry.
> 
> When they are in the fog of the A the BS does not matter to the WS.


Very true , when my grandmother passed away the ex couldn't muster up a hug, yet she lamented to her friend that she was so upset she couldn't be there for the OM when his grandmother was in the hospital.


----------



## Thorburn

livinfree said:


> Very true , when my grandmother passed away the ex couldn't muster up a hug, yet she lamented to her friend that she was so upset she couldn't be there for the OM when his grandmother was in the hospital.


Ouch. My wife got into a very sexual EA in 2010. The dude was active in the Baptist church where his father was one of the pastors. about two weeks into her EA with a guy she met on FB. This dude friend requested her due to a game they both played and within about three days they are going crazy sexting each other, till 5 A.M. and starting again at 7 A.M. When I looked at her text messages it was just crazy for several weeks. Then there was a three day pause. When I discovered all this I quesitoned my wife. There were videos sent from her to the XOM. I thought they were sexual in nature. Turns out the dude's father died and my wife was all over it. Sending him conforting music videos, etc. A dude she only knew for a few weeks and then the "I love yous".

Then again in early 2012 the new XOM's father died and the texts to him saying she wishes she could be with him to confort him. At this stage in their A the stopped seeing each other in Nov. 2011 and it was around April 2012 and then they started hooking up again in July 2012.

It just stinks. These "fathers" of the XOMs are all people she did not know and folks that would never have allowed her in their lives, they were both very religious men. 

Just adds more hurt to injury.


----------



## MattMatt

Ah. I see the problem, now. Your wife took all you gave her because that is her right. She turned you into her footstool to rest her tired feet. Poor dear thing that she was. 

Then she realised that she could use you, her footstool, as a stepladder to climb to her next love. 

Get the polygraph std tests get him on Cheaterville and tell his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

MattMatt said:


> Get the polygraph std tests get him on Cheaterville and tell his wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let's see, she chases him like a beagle after a rabbit, with no real evidence the beagle ever really caught the rabbit, and the rabbit ends up on cheatersville. The rabbit, who may have not even crossed the line with beagle, has already been charged with sexual harassment by the beagle chasing him. Why should he be ripped up even more? I assure you, like in virtually all cases, he didn't do anything she didn't want him to do (if he did anything physical at all)


----------



## nogutsnoglory

Do we have any evidence the boss did anything. Or just the word of a complete loon. She is nuts and we are taking her word of his "advances" all I remember is a cookie recipe was sent by him and her word of him talking about displeasure at home etc... Not exactly anything criminal on his part. Immature, sure, but more than not, I have heard nothing that is proof in my eyes of him being at fault for anything..

Just her words and she is a bit crazy so until we have proof he did anything at all, I really can't see vilifying him is the way to go.
I would get her mental help, she clearly needs it.


----------



## billybobb

do not belief her a once bit had too many this story all their same she has sleeped with them boss already many times . gig her out and put her stuff in the garage close her card's and phone's . you must tell the wive off the boss's so this wont happend again could go under ground other wise . maybe you can get a better wive who will do the stuff and not cheat butt is loyal and trust worthy .


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

This story has some glaring holes in it. It is the common cheater script but something doesn't fit. 

I'm having trouble assigning the obvious as the missing pieces. The easy answers for the gaps in logic with this story would be... 1. You don't have a clue how deep the rabbit hole really goes. or 2. Wifey has a serious chemical imbalance, likely diagnosed under the broad 'depression' umbrella which caused a hyper-agressive reaction to dopamine stimulation....

Dunno why those things don't feel like they fill in the blanks though...

Feels like I'm missing something else

Were you and your wife born & raised in the United States ?


----------



## Nucking Futs

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> This story has some glaring holes in it. It is the common cheater script but something doesn't fit.
> 
> I'm having trouble assigning the obvious as the missing pieces. The easy answers for the gaps in logic with this story would be... 1. You don't have a clue how deep the rabbit hole really goes. or 2. Wifey has a serious chemical imbalance, likely diagnosed under the broad 'depression' umbrella which caused a hyper-agressive reaction to dopamine stimulation....
> 
> Dunno why those things don't feel like they fill in the blanks though...
> 
> Feels like I'm missing something else
> 
> Were you and your wife born & raised in the United States ?


:iagree:

I'm curious. 12 times in this thread you've been advised to polygraph your wife. What are your thoughts on this?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Nucking Futs said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm curious. 12 times in this thread you've been advised to polygraph your wife. What are your thoughts on this?


My guess is...


----------



## darkdays

I don't think it went physical. But that not even the point.
It’s the passion, obsession that it seems she had for an utter loser. This fantasy of wanting a life with a guy she didn't even know really other then talks in an office. Telling me SHE was planning on making it go PA in order to hook the guy emotionally which is an ignorant plan anyway as she would of just been used.

You don't say to your husband "if I would have Fd the guy I would of had to choose between c**ks and I would of chose his." what kind of crap is that. I called her a dumb F. Then I find out she was all in love with this guy.

Now of course she hates him. She had a sudden realization I am the most important person in her world to her. But how do you get the crap out of your mind.

She was over her listening to solena gomez come and get it song thinking about this dude. The thing that saved it from going PA is me blowing it up and this GUY is not an alpha male. 

BUT it’s not even that. If she had a one night stand I would not feel as crappy as I do now. ALL her emotions seemed to be poured into this guy at least in her head, she made a choice and it wasn't me. Then when she realized he was just gaming her, when she realized she was not even the guy’s friend and he blew her off, then all of a sudden I am the love of her life.

Anger is all I feel. Numbness... there is no happy and it seems to actually have gotten worse. It’s been 3 or 4 months and I am getting more aggravated.

my head is not in the sand and i don't see her as some saint. I bet she trashed me in their little conversations like her did his wife. i bet there was a lot more brushing against each other and all that kind of business going on.

I am just trying to figure out how to love her again and even if i want to. i have 2 kids and 20 years invested in this relationship which seemed fine until this crap.


----------



## LostViking

She sounds like a woman who simply never grew up or who is going through the mother of all midlife crises.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## livinfree

darkdays said:


> I don't think it went physical. But that not even the point.
> It’s the passion, obsession that it seems she had for an utter loser. This fantasy of wanting a life with a guy she didn't even know really other then talks in an office. Telling me SHE was planning on making it go PA in order to hook the guy emotionally which is an ignorant plan anyway as she would of just been used.
> 
> You don't say to your husband "if I would have Fd the guy I would of had to choose between c**ks and I would of chose his." what kind of crap is that. I called her a dumb F. Then I find out she was all in love with this guy.


An unconsummated EA will never leave the WW mind.

Same thing with my ex, her video game pal four states away completely consumed her. All sorts of stupid came out of her mouth. Her fantasy was so powerful she neglected all else around her. I gave repeated opportunities for her to return and was an utter doormat in the beginning.

Her desire for strange was so strong I sent her off to her fantasy and I'm in total bliss right now.

I could have reconciled a ONS but her emotion filled choice to leave everything and everyone behind... Never in a million years.

It was an experience worse than the death of a loved one, the person I thought I knew and loved was killed by her true self.


----------



## Acabado

Is she getting any IC, trying to find out how the hell she went "there" to this bordeline manic obsession?

How is she aleguedly trying to be the better wife in the world?

Beyond nice words, what are her actions?


----------



## Acabado

livinfree said:


> An unconsummated EA will never leave the WW mind.
> 
> Same thing with my ex, her video game pal four states away completely consumed her. All sorts of stupid came out of her mouth. Her fantasy was so powerful she neglected all else around her. I gave repeated opportunities for her to return and was an utter doormat in the beginning.
> 
> Her desire for strange was so strong I sent her off to her fantasy and I'm in total bliss right now.
> 
> I could have reconciled a ONS but her emotion filled choice to leave everything and everyone behind... Never in a million years.
> 
> It was an experience worse than the death of a loved one, the person I thought I knew and loved was killed by her true self.


A little difference here, OM rejected her!
Then she read about how he played her?

I think the real risk is she will try to undo the rejection by trying to trick and play him so she can dump him: the goal should be indifference but she now "hates" OM. Rejection cuts deep. And she was first played and then rejected.


----------



## workindad

Get tested for stds and follow through with the polygraph. It doesn't sound like you have the full story. That leads me to the question

If it was physical do you want to know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## livinfree

Acabado said:


> A little difference here, OM rejected her!


You're correct. 

I was connecting with how darkdays feels and the net affect of her actions.

Incidentally, in my situation, the OM ultimately rejected her romantically upon hearing my divorce was for real and reality raised it's ugly head, he had promised her a place to stay and she was not letting him off the hook, romantic or not.


----------



## Lovemytruck

Your last post is good, because it shows two things:

1. You are in denial about the extent of the affair.

2. You are deciding if it is worth R.

There has been GREAT advice given to you. I see the issue more as you needing some time to absorb the sum of the betrayal.

Honest to goodness the feelings will change as you spend more time realizing the horrible extent of it. If you can muster the courage, you will turn the hurt into action.

Start making a game plan for the divorce. Stash some money, find a way to live, and seek legal advice. I would not say a further word to her about it. 

You sound like you really don't want more evidence, so why bother. You already know that she is a bad wife. She has given plenty for you to choose a D. She will reveal more as you dig. Sorry, but most of us have seen this in our own lives, and it is in most betrayal threads.

So sorry you went through this. Hope it goes better as you move forward!


----------



## Thorburn

darkdays said:


> I don't think it went physical. But that not even the point.
> It’s the passion, obsession that it seems she had for an utter loser. This fantasy of wanting a life with a guy she didn't even know really other then talks in an office. Telling me SHE was planning on making it go PA in order to hook the guy emotionally which is an ignorant plan anyway as she would of just been used.
> 
> You don't say to your husband "if I would have Fd the guy I would of had to choose between c**ks and I would of chose his." what kind of crap is that. I called her a dumb F. Then I find out she was all in love with this guy.
> 
> Now of course she hates him. She had a sudden realization I am the most important person in her world to her. But how do you get the crap out of your mind.
> 
> She was over her listening to solena gomez come and get it song thinking about this dude. The thing that saved it from going PA is me blowing it up and this GUY is not an alpha male.
> 
> BUT it’s not even that. If she had a one night stand I would not feel as crappy as I do now. ALL her emotions seemed to be poured into this guy at least in her head, she made a choice and it wasn't me. Then when she realized he was just gaming her, when she realized she was not even the guy’s friend and he blew her off, then all of a sudden I am the love of her life.
> 
> Anger is all I feel. Numbness... there is no happy and it seems to actually have gotten worse. It’s been 3 or 4 months and I am getting more aggravated.
> 
> my head is not in the sand and i don't see her as some saint. I bet she trashed me in their little conversations like her did his wife. i bet there was a lot more brushing against each other and all that kind of business going on.
> 
> I am just trying to figure out how to love her again and even if i want to. i have 2 kids and 20 years invested in this relationship which seemed fine until this crap.


In 2010 my wife met a guy on FB who played the same game. I gave her permission. Within three days they are sexting, she falls in love and when the dude drops her after a month and a half she is begging him not to break up with her. All over the internet, (never PA). Telling him she loves him, etc. That is when I find out, she leaves her computer opened. 

Then less then a year later same thing with a local guy that goes PA.

Suc*s all around. Yea, the I love yous will tear you up, the fact that she fell in love with another dude, rips our your heart. And no, my wife having a PA is just as bad as an EA, and in this case it was both an EA and a PA.

Rooting for you.


----------



## Shaggy

Lets say the affair is over.

The question is, is she done having affairs? M

What you just learned is that she is fully capable and willing to have one.

Let's say you caught this one before they had sex. You certainly didn't catch it before she got a full dose addiction to the giddy emotions
and sexual desire that affairs can induce.

So even if this dude is gone, she is very much now got in her head those feelings and the addiction to them. So the big questions are, will she do it again with someone else to get that same rush, and what are you putting in place to catch/stop it?

She'll be smarter about hiding it next time.


----------



## Thor

darkdays said:


> i have 2 kids and 20 years invested in this relationship which seemed fine until this crap.


Read about the "Sunk Cost Fallacy".

When you're in the slow line at the grocery store you don't want to give up and move to another line because of the time you already "invested" in the slow line. Yet going to another line would be faster.

Your 20 years in this marriage is spent. Done and gone. Staying because of it would not make sense. I understand there are reasons to stay, and I understand the time spent together is unique and does offer some factors to consider. But the time itself should not be a factor.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

I think you are still in denial.

Her story is hard to believe.

Face it head on and address this carefully with help of an IC and MC. What she is doing to A proof your marriage?


----------



## JCD

I am a wayward (semi reformed). Let me tell you some stuff.

First off, she is SAYING you are the most important thing in her life...now.

I can tell you, for good or ill, whether it is lust or rage, she still has him in her heart. I know you don't want to hear this.

It will take her MONTHS to get over this. She CAN get over it, but it will take months...and she can't stay at that job.

You keep glossing over that little fact. NOTHING is being resolved while she is at that job. Every single time EVERY SINGLE TIME she sees him, hears him, or hears him mentioned, she's...if not back to square one, pretty far back.

*SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE THAT JOB*

Do I need to make the letters bigger and in red? There will be NO ZERO ZILCH recovery for her while she is there. She needs to delete that stupid ****ing recipe. She needs to get rid of any gifts he gave her. She needs to delete songs they 'shared'. I heard a song my 'friend' gave me a year later and it set me back and emotionally destabilized me.

On to you. You say you were there, that you gave her constant orgasms, did everything for you...meh. Only one person knows her O count and it isn't you.

BUT she said that you weren't there emotionally for her. Instead of taking that as a warning, you call her a liar. Instead of fixing whatever she FEELS is wrong, you dismiss it. Well...maybe she IS totally wrong. Or maybe Mr. Wonderful is missing something.

Please note that this doesn't justify an affair, but it's evident that she feels something is off. This is girlspeak to one another. Usually it isn't bs.

OR...this is so surreal a conversation. Does she WANT to divorce you? Is this a passive aggressive way for her to wind you up enough to divorce her? Because between the things she said and the way she did things, it sounds off.

Now...assuming all of this is on the level (from the original post to her motivations)

Fall back on the man basics. Do your job. Do your (own) chores (not her chores). Go out and exercise. Be silent and think hard about your future.

At some point you need to converse with her. Now is not a productive time. No cuddles. No kisses. Don't show a lot of interest in her life or circumstances (this is the 180) At this point, you need to slowly stop caring about this woman.

Why? Because you need to give her a sense of what she is losing. You also need to give her room to SHOW YOU (not tell you) what she wants. It is now her job to MAKE you want to care for her. She has to prove to you that she is worth keeping, that she is worth trusting.

If she asks you what she can do to 'make this up', a pithy 'nothing' shot will make you feel good but it doesn't help (It's sadly true). Instead tell her that there are a lot of books written about this and there are a lot of counselors who help people figure that out. SHE can find them herself...or not.

As you correctly stated, SHE broke this relationship. She needs to make sure she does an adequate job gluing it back together.

But nothing needs to be decided today...or tomorrow either! Live your life as you normally would this week. Just don't include her in a lot of it.


----------



## Shaggy

About her story -

If you have the whole truth, it's very very disturbing because she let herself willing and quickly be taken from the marriage by a guy who didn't ever take her on a date or even kiss her. She was panning and willing to toss you over for him.

You almost wish it had been a PA with dating and sex because that would be less horrible to know about her - the fact that he got her without any real effort.


----------



## RAN

DD

Watch Movie Butterfly On A Wheel !!!!


----------



## darkdays

Shaggy you hit it on the head. exactly bro. how fing meaningless am i that there was no real relationship and she was ready to just move on. Thats the really sick part. the disturbing part.


----------



## darkdays

livinfree your last line is exactly how i feel man worse then a death. So what did she end up doing?? So the guy just used her and dumped her then?? Thats where my situation would have gone if it went PA


----------



## darkdays

thorburn wow that is just messed up man so sorry. EA is crazy its all this deep emotion Bullcrap over nothing.


----------



## darkdays

From reading these post i feel basically i am dead man walking. Everyone seems to be saying that she got a taste of the feelings and the high of strange if only in her mind and now its just a matter of time until it happens and goes all the way. I never in a million years would think this girl could do anything like this. One of the reason i married her was her loyalty. she was not a party girl, or a drinker, or any of that. Now in her mid thirtys she just wigs out. I still care about her but i feel like i am living with a ticking time bomb. she is saying all the right things and doing all the right things but i get a feeling it is a phase, a defense mechanism cause where would she go?? She has no place to go other then her old bedroom at moms. So why blow things up?? Just pretend until Mr.right comes along. I guess i could pretend as well until the final destruction in a few years.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

darkdays said:


> livinfree your last line is exactly how i feel man worse then a death. So what did she end up doing?? So the guy just used her and dumped her then?? Thats where my situation would have gone *if it went PA*


This is still a possibility that you can't HONESTLY rule out.

So prepare yourself for the "possible" worst.

And like others have been trying to tell you, if it wasn't this guy, there will sure enough be more OMs down the road.

The problem with sticking your head in the sand is, the earth still rotates and revolves. Your WS is still in an EA, or EA/PA.

Refusing to look for the truth doesn't make it less true. You're only prolonging the inevitable. One day you will find out, because she will be the one to tell you...


----------



## nogutsnoglory

darkdays said:


> From reading these post i feel basically i am dead man walking. Everyone seems to be saying that she got a taste of the feelings and the high of strange if only in her mind and now its just a matter of time until it happens and goes all the way. I never in a million years would think this girl could do anything like this. One of the reason i married her was her loyalty. she was not a party girl, or a drinker, or any of that. Now in her mid thirtys she just wigs out. I still care about her but i feel like i am living with a ticking time bomb. she is saying all the right things and doing all the right things but i get a feeling it is a phase, a defense mechanism cause where would she go?? She has no place to go other then her old bedroom at moms. So why blow things up?? Just pretend until Mr.right comes along. I guess i could pretend as well until the final destruction in a few years.


If you want a chance. She needs intense therapy to diagnose her. There is a missing piece of the mental puzzle with this story


----------



## lenzi

darkdays said:


> BUT i feel like a second choice to an utter loser. The dude wears adult feeti pajamsa to bed. what kind of a man does that.


How do you even know this?


----------



## Q tip

darkdays said:


> I don't think it went physical. But that not even the point.
> 
> You don't say to your husband "if I would have Fd the guy I would of had to choose between c**ks and I would of chose his." what kind of crap is that. I called her a dumb F. Then I find out she was all in love with this guy.


Ok then, this OM ain't an alpha. Please tell me what your response was to the above. Then, read MMSLP and tell me what your response should have been.


----------



## 3putt

lenzi said:


> How do you even know this?


LOL...yeah, I love to hear the answer to this one as well.


----------



## sh987

Night of the living thread...


----------



## PhillyGuy13

sh987 said:


> Night of the living thread...


Well, OP here just started a new thread, continuation of this one. I thought so too at first.

Perhaps better served just continuing in this thread, but we will persevere.


----------



## lenzi

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Well, OP here just started a new thread, continuation of this one


That's why I went back and read this old one.


----------



## darkdays

Because he told my wife that his wife bought them for a gift and he loved wearing them.


----------

