# Counseling for Kids



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

So, just a little bit of background. I was married. Tried very hard to make it work after wife had an affair. She chose OM. I worked very hard on getting myself better and being a better man and father. I was diagnosed with cyclothemia which is a minor form of bipolar.

I have been divorced going on 2 months now. I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I met 5 months after wife moved out and I was waiting for the divorce to be over. I reached my point of no return in April and met my girlfriend in July. My Ex moved out in February.

So the OM was the brother of my neighbor to the left. The relationship between my EX and him fell to crap. I don't know the details and don't care. Now for the last month my EX is banging my neighbor to the right. So I am going to start counseling because there are a few loose ends that I want to tie up. My girlfriend knows about my trust issues and she is patient while I work through them. Big thing is I communicate with her. It is great. My three boys love my girlfriend and fight over her attention. She gives them motherly attention and love that they crave.

So here is the crux: I was making pancakes for my boys a couple of days ago and my oldest (12) started telling me all kinds of information that he knew and held in. He told me he found his mother, my EX making out with A1 in a bathroom at a party, she was kissing A3 in my kitchen. I was at work on travel. My EX played drums in a band and she was making out with the singer when I was working paying for all her fun. My son also told me that when I would travel for work maybe 7-8 days a month at 1-2 day intervals, she would have the neighbor that she is banging now over drinking on the couch till 3AM. He never told me, because his mom told him not too. When I found out, I told him don't ever let anyone convince you to do the wrong thing, not even me. Funny thing was we watched Jaws later that day, and the Chief of Police let it happen to him and the Shark ate a young boy. Funny how a movie can provide such a good case in point.

I knew about most of the stuff to some extent but I didn't know the details and it shocked and saddened me that my oldest son did. I had been contemplating on taking my kids to counseling, and I am going to start. They have a lot of anger for their mother. I am wondering if anyone has suggestions to what type of counselor I should take them. Also, I figured it would be best to let them speak with the counselor alone in case they had resentment for me or should I go with them? I'm am just looking for opinions or advice from people who may have had to go through this.

My relationship with my boys is great, but I want to make sure they don't grow up to hate and mistrust women. They have been through a lot. They don't have a great relationship with their mother and I want to make sure they respect women. They do have a great relationship with my girlfriend because they know she loves them and really takes care of them.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I think that it is great that you are looking into counciling for the boys. I would think the school or the pediatrician could help you find the right type of councelor. I would also recommend letting them talk one on one. There are things the kids might need to get off their chest but are afraid to say in front of a parent.

I am a firm believer that all kids to go to counciling during and after a divorce. Better to sort out the issues when they are young than to wait for them to surface later in life.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

Psychology Today's website has a "Find a Therapist" section, where you can put in what you are looking for and your zip code, and it can show you counselors in your area. Look for someone who specializes in family counseling, and some might even mention working with divorce in their bios. 

Your 12-year-old is probably mature enough for regular counseling, but your younger boys may do better with play therapy -it can depend on their maturity level and their ability to sit and talk for a reasonable amount of time. With play therapy, there are therapeutic activities used that involve toys, games, books, art, etc. It can help younger children open up and express things that they can't put into words. If that's the route you choose, then look for someone who specializes in play therapy. 

I agree that finding someone for them to talk to and work with, even if it's just for a few sessions, will be a big benefit for them. 

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Excellent idea to seek counselling for your kids.

When you divorced, did you use a mediator? Our mediator had lots of advice on the kids as well as referrals to counsellors with experience dealing with children and divorce.

Two books you might get:

"Growing Up With Divorce" by Neil Kalter. Basically a guidebook for parents going through divorce.

"Divorce Casualties" by Douglas Darnall - this one deals with parental alienation. It was totally wrong of your wife to use her kids to cover for her infidelities. Basically asking them to lie for her. That type of behaviour is inexcusable.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Thanks much. I ordered the books and sent an email to a local family psychologist to get things rolling.

Just as an aside... My little one who will be 10 soon was playing soccer with us in the basement. My wife is now porking my next door neighbor. So my little one always has to be the center of attention and crack jokes. My neighbor straightened up my son's hair. My little one says 'Mr S did Kyle's hair.... and my mom' He said it totally jokingly and we all laughed. I laughed because it was funny and I frankly think she deserved it, but that is just not right.

I will be doing counseling and they will be doing separate counseling. Their relationship with her is exactly that. It is between them and her. I am not here to make things better for her anymore but I do want to make sure my kids can cope with the D and hopefully get through things fairly well.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> My little one says 'Mr S did Kyle's hair.... and my mom' He said it totally jokingly and we all laughed. I laughed because it was funny and I frankly think she deserved it, but that is just not right.


This is really disturbing.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

staystrong said:


> This is really disturbing.


It is very disturbing. I'm making pancakes and bacon for my kids for breakfast, my EX is next door because she slept over the neighbors house. You can see her van from my kitchen. IT is very odd. My oldest tells me how she was over the same guys house in the summer and her AP called so she went over to my other neighbor's house and 'did him in the basement'.

The next thing I know my little one is joking about it. I really am not equipped to deal with this.

I'm moving and getting everyone counseling, but the fact that my kids were exposed to so much at a young age is extremely disturbing. I have a feeling counseling may go on for a long time. I hope not, but we will see. 

What do you do when you hear something so disturbing? Laugh, cry, get angry, bitter? I don't know any more. It was wrong before and to this day it is still so wrong. One day at a time is all I can do for now.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

Did your wife have sex with any of these men in front of your children? The fact that they know what was and is happening is beyond disturbing. If she did things sexually in front of them, then that is actually grounds for reporting to Child Protective Services, since exposure to sexually acts falls under the category of sexual abuse. 

Not sure if this would be good for you or not, but if your child tells a therapist or psychologist that he has seen his mother having sex, then odds are, they will have to make a CPS report. Reporting laws can vary from state to state, but in the state I'm in, I would be obligated to report that. 

Even if they haven't witnessed it, they know far too many details. I would be discussing this with my attorney and have the judge set up some major stipulations as far as her contact goes with the OMs when she has the kids. My heart really goes out to your boys, and to you too. I can't imagine what it is like for you all to see her car parked next door. I'm sorry.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I don't think they saw any copulation. I know my oldest saw his mother making out with 2-3 men while we were married. I only found this out last week. 

First counseling:

Second lawyer:

Odd aside: My wife wanted all the kids to live with her. Nice money... 3k+ a month I would assume. She had the neighbor next door (whose brother was her AP) call CPS on me and tell them my house was filthy, kids living in squalor etc... She moved out couple of weeks prior, left all the trash, took everything and anything she wanted including every picture on the walls. (I was on travel for work.)

I had a 14.5 year old dog who would crap in the house once in while, because he was old. I loved my dog. Had to put him down new years eve, but I told my boys something may be a little broken, but we don't just throw it away, we fix it or work with it.

CPS shows up, I just had my house cleaned last week. Lady asks a bunch of questions. I show her the house. She then goes to the schools and talks to all my kids. My two oldest have nothing bad to say about me, but their mom, well yes (Youngest I don't know. He was more of a momma's boy at the time...). Also as she is walking out, my old dog gets excited and actually craps as he is going out the door. I just cleaned it up right in front of her. Kids do their fair share of cleaning up and when questioned they tell her about it.

Lady was almost apologetic she even came to my house, but I know it was a ploy to have my kids taken from me. If CPS gets involved, it won't be because I am antagonizing them to do so and I don't think they will do anything in this case.

I do want my kids to live with me full time, they already want to but its not the right time. I want them to want to choose to live with me for their own well being, not because of some game/vendetta between my EX and myself.

So I am working hard on making sure they are OK, all the time preparing to move and start a new life out of this suburban hell spot I live in.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Good for you for getting them in counseling. They are going to need it. That is excellent parenting. I would suggest a counselor who specializes in kids of divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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