# The hardest thing... after redemption



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

For me, personally, the hardest thing i face.. even a long time past forgiveness and healing, is making long term plans. 

Sometimes when we have bad days... and there are not a lot... I can not help but think "Why am I still here again?" It would be pretty easy for me to just up and go. The weird part is that she is in total marital bliss. Her face book is littered with things like " My husband is the greatest" and her coworkers come up to me every now and then to let me know all the good things she says about me... But no one really knows what happened. And my wife has no idea that when she really upsets me, my mind goes to a dark place. 

It is a place that says "You know... I could be gone when you get home and not feel bad about it, and no one would blame me." That is the hardest thing for me. The fact that I got past the weakness, past the grief and have now improved myself miles above where i was... It just makes me wonder why she deserves me.

And I dont feel this way all the time. It is just when conflict comes up. It is like a defense mechanism that pops up when i find her to be unlovely. 

I am posting this for a few reasons. First, to let the loyal know there is a long road ahead, and even more so for the disloyal. Even though your mate may forgive you and not punish you for your crimes against them... They most certainly will never forget. 

I give my wife a 50/50 shot of being able to hold on to me. But who knows.. I might just be here for the long run. I would not be surprised either way. I mean it is not out of the realm of possibility for me to to say " Well, i gave it a shot, more than a fair shot... and I decided that i really just cant live with it. not your fault, mine.. bye." 

I guess there is no statute of limitations on this. any thoughts?

Using my own advice here, i would say that the reward of marriage is simply losing value.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I can totally understand that your wife isn't the "pure" person you used to know before all of this, but is it fair to her that you think about the affair when she pisses you off?

What I mean is, was that part of the plan when you both agreed to work on the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

no, it sure wasn't. And each time the thoughts come flooding in, i have to put out an enourmous effort to push them out.

I should mention, thati do not vocalize that to her. I never tell her or make her feel bad about it. I internalize it because i have given her that promise in my forgiveness... to not make her pay.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

wow--thanks for that. i totally understand where you are coming from with this. I know it is my very own issue to work through, but that doesn't make it any less real. the marrage councelor has told us (me?) point blank, it is time to put all of this behind and go forward. and, yet, my thoughts can still get so dark. i still find myself bitterly comparing myself, my abilities, my motives, whatever, to his *****. and--yes--i still call her that in my head.

do you think we ever will get past this darkness? i am almost 2 years out, and am much, MUCH better. but like you said--it's quiet, but still there. someday you may wake and find me gone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I too feel the same and in fact I believe its this additude that keeps our spouses in line...maybe?

The fact that I could leave and not think twice I believe keeps her more grounded. In the same breath she could leave also so that too prevents me from throwing it in her face every time I get pissed.

I almost feel like the both of us have.....balanced out and just keep having healthier behaviors towards each other?

no expectations, no resentment, 
it is what it is
f*ck it
**** happens

IDK I just feel like the both of us now know what we are both capable and we do are best to prevent this crap from happening again and deal with it and move forward?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I look at it similarly but with a slightly different twist. 

Rather than thinking "Hey he could choose to leave today and not think twice about it" I tend to think of him more highly than that. I don't honestly think he'd dishonor his commitment. He may "move out" for a while but I don't think he would break a covenant...and not because "it's not in him" (I know that it IS...) but rather because he would choose not to or die! LOL 

But what I do think is that any day could be the last. Any day could be the last day he lives. Or it could be the last day he lives here with me. It is conceivable but HIGHLY UNLIKELY he could choose to harden his heart and just leave the marriage (although seriously, if you knew the man, he will die before he does that). And thus I choose to purposely be aware that each day is a gift and each day is a day he chooses to be with me and I can choose to be with him. 

I'll be honest--it's not usually him that bothers me in our marriage. Usually it's his ex and the way she... well I'll just say the way she IS and leave it at that here in public   But him? I actually like him and would choose him to be a friend if we weren't already lovers and married to each other


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My Disloyal is pushing for a divorce and although I do not want that myself, I am moving forward with it myself. I'm starting to see the error in my way of thinking. I would always beg him to stay with me. I'm sure I looked very pathetic to him. He cheated on me and I pleaded with him to give our marriage another chance. I always focused on him. I would wish and hope for him to change. I would pray for him to grow up and do the right thing. But, I'm starting to realize that I am doing nothing good for myself or the children by wishing for my DS to change. I need to change. I need to be the one to grow up and do the right thing. In 14 years of marriage and 15 years together, he has cheated with probably at least 10 women, if not more. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He has been neglectful of my needs and he has no remorse over any pain he has ever inflicted upon me. It's time I changed.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I think at what i am really saying here is that staying in a relationship after infidelity takes active effort. Before any of this happened, leaving was never on the table, and now it just seems like i have to put forth active effort to do so. Even it is only 5% of the effort a marriage takes, it is still 5% that was never there before.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

twotime, this is my take, you are choosing to stay, there are good and bad days, but you obviously love her, and have kids with her, she is showing you love, you love her, let it ride for awhile, don't let your inner guard down completely, yes it takes tons of effort, but if you are in active reconciliation, it takes a ton on both parts, you are a great man, I respect you lots, I am here for you they way you have been for me dude.

twotime are you having some second thoughts? I had a weak day today, you are on your road don't throw it away, I am not going to, not yet.


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