# Will someone's mind change about kids?



## stuckinboston

Wife and I have been married 6 years. We've got problems, but the biggest is that I want kids and she doesn't. We had a frank discussion about it this past weekend, and she wants to push the discussion off another two years.

Her thinking is that "I don't want kids, and I don't see myself wanting kids, but let's revisit in two years and see." In the meantime she doesn't want to talk about the subject anymore.

The entire time we've been married, these discussions always consist of her saying "I don't see myself wanting kids," followed up rather quickly by something that just cracks the door open, like a conversation on the schools near us or a discussion about boy names.

I'm fairly certain that, if I acquiesce to her request, in two years I'll be pushing 40 and she'll be saying "I don't see myself wanting kids, but let's revisit this in a couple years."

She's 32 right now. I always expected - as did her mother - she would eventually want a kid, but at this point I don't see it happening.

Any chance I'm wrong and she'll feel the baby urge? Ever?

Thanks.


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## PBear

Of course she can change her mind. 

Now the real question... Is she likely to change her mind? IMHO, no. She's just trying to get you to shut up for two years, and push it to the point that it's no longer feasible. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

I don't think she is likely to change her mind.

All my girlfriends who wanted kids were VERY vocal about it, and my girlfriends who never wanted kids were EQUALLY vocal about it.

Only one (that I know of) changed her mind... she never wanted kids but finally gave in and got pregnant about the same time I did.  Sadly, I don't think she was ever very happy about it.


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## Nikita2270

Why on earth would anyone marry someone with this large of an incompatibility?

There's no way to tell if she's going to change her mind. It sounds unlikely and it also sounds as if she's been very consistent with her decision. And frankly, you don't want to coerce someone into having children if they're not 100% decided on the issue. I can't even imagine the problems that might create.

You don't need to make a decision based on what might happen in the future, you need to make a decision based on what she's saying today.

If having kids is a deal breaker for you, then get divorced. In reality, you have married the wrong person for you.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening StuckInBoston
Whether or not to have children is the most important decision someone can make in their life. It is one of the very few that really involves a lifelong commitment, and which can never be undone.

It is a good decision for some people and a bad one for others. Some people will change their minds, some will not.

I think it is critical to never pressure someone to change their mind - they may give in, but then resent / regret the decision for the rest of their lives. If you can't agree, then it is time to have a amicable split. Divorce is FAR better than forcing a decision on children (one way or the other) on a partner.

[you might get a hint that I am talking from experience here - the is a HUGE issue]

One suggestion - take in a foster child (short term - shelter care). Let both of you see what it is really like to have a child in the house. One (or both) of your opinions may change. It is a completely different life from what you have now.


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## COGypsy

If it helps, I just turned 40 and I have NEVER wanted children. Not for a moment, not for a single breath of my lifetime. Pregnancy and babies skeeve me out to no end, it just all grosses me out. The thought of something like THAT in my body is not even a conversation in my world. I never even played "house" and stuff like that much as a kid. Actual kids (talking, walking, potty-trained) are tolerable and teenagers are even entertaining, but having them around 24/7 is not appealing at all.

I have had friends that wanted nothing more than to have children. I've had friends that feel the same way I do. I've *never* had friends that switched camps.


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## Nikita2270

> If it helps, I just turned 40 and I have NEVER wanted children. Not for a moment, not for a single breath of my lifetime. Pregnancy and babies skeeve me out to no end, it just all grosses me out. The thought of something like THAT in my body is not even a conversation in my world. I never even played "house" and stuff like that much as a kid. Actual kids (talking, walking, potty-trained) are tolerable and teenagers are even entertaining, but having them around 24/7 is not appealing at all.


I'm in my early 40s and have two children, 10 years apart and I can completely understand your position.

My youngest kid is a teenager and I can tell you that while I truly love my kids, other people's children generally get on my nerves. Not because I don't like kids, I love them, but because I loathe the way most people parent (or don't parent) their kids and there's a lot of very badly behaved children around.

Although I can't imagine my life without my children...I can completely understand someone who decides not to have children.


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## COGypsy

Nikita2270 said:


> I'm in my early 40s and have two children, 10 years apart and I can completely understand your position.
> 
> My youngest kid is a teenager and I can tell you that while I truly love my kids, other people's children generally get on my nerves. Not because I don't like kids, I love them, but because I loathe the way most people parent (or don't parent) their kids and there's a lot of very badly behaved children around.
> 
> Although I can't imagine my life without my children...I can completely understand someone who decides not to have children.


Actually, I'm a super popular auntie. I love making messes and being silly or hearing the "wisdom" that teens and tweens are known to drop. Other people's kids are the only ones that sound remotely appealing.

My point is more that I don't want kids because I find the concept of it physically revolting--it sends chills up and down my arms and makes my stomach turn. Not a reaction that lends itself to "mind-changing". To me, it's not that I want two vacations a year instead of a kid and a staycation. I simply don't want a kid in my body or in my house and certainly not for 18 years + nine months.

However, it's a position that I put right up front when I'm dating. I don't have or want kids, so I don't date men that have kids at home or who want kids and I take extreme precautions to make sure that no "accidents" happen. Luckily, most guys my age have had the V by now! 

To me it's not even a "maybe" and never was. I can't imagine leading someone on like that knowing that I feel the way I do.


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## frusdil

Your wife is extremely unlikely to change her stance on this OP. And you can't make her. No one should have a child if they're not 100% all in. 

If you this before you married her, and having children is that important to you, you should not have married her.


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## Eagle3

OP, she has pretty much given you her answer so it will be up to you to decide if you can live with that or not. And trust me if she has doubts on wanting to have children you dont dont want to force that on her. She will end up resenting you later or be misearble and neither of you will want that.


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## Jellybeans

stuckinboston said:


> She's 32 right now. *I always expected - as did her mother - she would eventually want a kid*, but at this point I don't see it happening.


Meaning...she told you from the beginning she did not want kids? 

Because if that is the case, you know what we are all going to say, right? 

Some people do change their minds. But some don't.

What's certain is s he does not want to even discuss the possibility for another two years...


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## Jellybeans

happy as a clam said:


> All my girlfriends who wanted kids were VERY vocal about it, and my girlfriends who never wanted kids were EQUALLY vocal about it.


I think some people either have the baby-wanting gene or they don't.


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## jld

I would not force her to have children. Period.

That said, I personally know a woman who was forcibly impregnated by her husband. He later left her. 

Their daughter is the joy of her life. For all the **** she went through with him, and she surely did, I think her daughter is the one thing she will always be grateful for.

And that is *not* any justification for forcible impregnation, in any way!!!!


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## stuckinboston

Jellybeans said:


> Meaning...she told you from the beginning she did not want kids?
> 
> Because if that is the case, you know what we are all going to say, right?
> 
> Some people do change their minds. But some don't.
> 
> What's certain is s he does not want to even discuss the possibility for another two years...


She was ambivalent towards the idea when we first got married; kind of a "I'm not really feeling kids, but I might once we get a house/get financially stable/get our 'couples life' out of the way"

Edit: And we have a house (4 years owned), financial stability (no more loans, no CC debt, significant income), and have done tons of 'couples' stuff that she fears you can't do with kids (international travel, domestic travel, concerts, etc.)


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## richardsharpe

God morning jld
I really wish she had brought him up on rape charges. I consider that to be one of the worst things you can possibly do to someone. 




jld said:


> I would not force her to have children. Period.
> 
> That said, I personally know a woman who was forcibly impregnated by her husband. He later left her.
> 
> Their daughter is the joy of her life. For all the **** she went through with him, and she surely did, I think her daughter is the one thing she will always be grateful for.
> 
> And that is *not* any justification for forcible impregnation, in any way!!!!


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## jld

I know. I wonder if she ever thought of that.

But she still liked the result. I guess life can be funny that way.


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## stuckinboston

richardsharpe said:


> God morning jld
> I really wish she had brought him up on rape charges. I consider that to be one of the worst things you can possibly do to someone.


Agreed. That's a horrific story, regardless the outcome.


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## jld

I grew up Catholic and married a man who also grew up Catholic. We were told very explicitly in the premarital class that we were expected to accept children whenever they might come.

Now I don't agree, by any means, with everything the Catholic Church teaches. But I do think it's interesting, that with their over 1000 years of experience, they are so insistent that married couples accept children when and if they come.


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## norajane

stuckinboston said:


> She was ambivalent towards the idea when we first got married; kind of a "I'm not really feeling kids, but I might once we get a house/get financially stable/get our 'couples life' out of the way"
> 
> Edit: And we have a house (4 years owned), financial stability (no more loans, no CC debt, significant income), and have done tons of 'couples' stuff that she fears you can't do with kids (international travel, domestic travel, concerts, etc.)


A child is a huge lifestyle change, and a huge change in terms of personal, emotional, and financial priorities as well. For a woman who isn't particularly eager or interested in kids, it might seem like an enormous and _detrimental _change. Instead of gaining an eagerly wanted and beloved child, she might feel she'd lost herself and her life.

At 32, she might yet feel that hormonal surge to have a baby in her late 30's, but it's not a guarantee. Not every woman feels that. And if she does get that surge, it might be fleeting, or the surge might still be overcome by reason and logic.

At 40, you don't really have the luxury of waiting another 8 years for hormones to maybe kick in. You likely have to make a decision about what kind of life you want to have - a life as a father, or a life as a couple with your wife. I don't think you should wait 2 more years to have this conversation, but I guess you already know her answer now. 

Have you flat-out told her that you don't see your life as complete without being a father? And that your desire to have children is so important that you would have to make that happen, whether it's with her or with someone else? Be very clear with her that kids are not negotiable for you, so she knows what she needs to think about.


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## Jellybeans

jld said:


> That said, I personally know a woman who was forcibly impregnated by her husband. He later left her.
> 
> Their daughter is the joy of her life. For all the **** she went through with him, and she surely did, I think her daughter is the one thing she will always be grateful for.
> 
> And that is *not* any justification for forcible impregnation, in any way!!!!


I don't see what the relevance of a woman being *raped *and now being happy with the child she had from it has to do with this thread. It's also sending a dangerous message here. 

OP - either your wife wants to or doesn't want to have kids. It does no seem she wants to.

This is one of those "fundamental difference" things. 

I have a friend-couple going through something similar. They both said they did not want children and now he is changing his mind. She isn't. Problem.


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## stuckinboston

norajane said:


> Have you flat-out told her that you don't see your life as complete without being a father? And that your desire to have children is so important that you would have to make that happen, whether it's with her or with someone else? Be very clear with her that kids are not negotiable for you, so she knows what she needs to think about.


I have, yes. That's usually the point where she tries to stave off or delay the conversation.


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## Jellybeans

This is HUGE.


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## jld

stuckinboston said:


> I have, yes. That's usually the point where she tries to stave off or delay the conversation.


I think she loves you and does not want to leave you. But you have a very justifiable desire, imo.

Express your need, and be willing to leave, if necessary. Jmo.


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## DoF

It can change at ANY moment. The question is, are you willing to take that chance and wait, possibly NEVER have a kid.

I mean, she was honest with you about it from the get go and you choose to stay with her, hard to blame her.

I think it's time for you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not, seems like you are on the edge of that right now.

It's completely ok to break the marriage if she is unwilling to have children, I know it would be a deal breaker for me.

Decisions decisions.


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## daffodilly

My stance is: if a spouse tells you they are pretty sure they don't want children and do not see themselves with children.....believe them. 

The 2 year wait and see is simply a way to avoid the issue as she does not want to lose you but already knows she does not want children...now or in 2yrs. She more than likely is hoping you will eventually forget about it or some other issue in 2yrs will justify not having kids.


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## JEMS_01234

Did your wife have a good childhood? Does she like her parents? Does she like other people's babies, kids? These could be good discussions to have.

I can honestly say that I'm not into babies. I don't like the idea of pregnancy nor having a baby. But I do truly like kids, (once they hit the three year mark or so and can follow direction).


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## SadSamIAm

Do you have brothers or sisters with kids? Or inlaws?

Try to talk them into leaving their kids with you for a weekend. They would probably love the time alone.

This might make her realize she wouldn't mind having kids. Or it might make her realize she never will want to. Spending time with my older siblings children made me realize that I would want mine own.

You need to find a way to get an answer to your question.

It might just end with you stating that having children is a deal breaker for you and that you are willing to leave the marriage if she decides she doesn't want kids. Give her a timeline to decide. Make it clear that there will be no extensions to that timeline. 

Best of luck.


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## stuckinboston

SadSamIAm said:


> Do you have brothers or sisters with kids? Or inlaws?
> 
> Try to talk them into leaving their kids with you for a weekend. They would probably love the time alone.
> 
> This might make her realize she wouldn't mind having kids. Or it might make her realize she never will want to. Spending time with my older siblings children made me realize that I would want mine own.
> 
> You need to find a way to get an answer to your question.
> 
> It might just end with you stating that having children is a deal breaker for you and that you are willing to leave the marriage if she decides she doesn't want kids. Give her a timeline to decide. Make it clear that there will be no extensions to that timeline.
> 
> Best of luck.


We have a 7-year-old nephew we've been taking care of a lot for his entire life. She loves him. I love him. Makes no difference.


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## stuckinboston

JEMS_01234 said:


> Did your wife have a good childhood? Does she like her parents? Does she like other people's babies, kids? These could be good discussions to have.


Not really, her parents divorced when she was young b/c her rat bastard father impregnated another woman. She likes other people's babies when they're friends, but tends to be very negative towards random children in public places.



> I can honestly say that I'm not into babies. I don't like the idea of pregnancy nor having a baby. But I do truly like kids, (once they hit the three year mark or so and can follow direction).


Fair enough, everyone is who they are and feels how they feel.


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## Anonymous07

Rarely have I ever known anyone who changed their mind about having kids(only know of 1). 

If you truly want kids, then this could be your deal breaker and it would be better if you left to find someone else who also wants kids. I highly doubt your wife will change her mind and think you're wasting your time if you think she'll eventually come around. If you want kids, you need to base it on what your wife is saying now. Right now, she does not want kids. If I were you, I would leave and remarry with someone who has the same goals as myself(wanting a family). 

I've always wanted kids and have a 1 year old son. I would like to have one more, but that also depends on how my marriage goes(rocky right now). I couldn't be with someone who didn't want children.


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## Miss Taken

This is not an issue I would be willing to hold my breath on. 

My situation was different from many. I didn't want kids all that much when I was younger. We were "surprised" with our son and I wanted him as soon as the doctor told me when I was four weeks pregnant. It wasn't good timing, I would never have chosen it but when faced with it, I was ready.

Still, even after having my first son, while I was maternal towards him, love(d) him as a mother should but really didn't plan on another. I thought that he'd be an only child. It was that way for seven years until I got pregnant with baby #2. The same with my first, I wanted him as soon as I knew he was coming. However unlike with my first, sometimes I think I may have one or two more _planned _children in the future. 

So although I am someone that's changed her mind, I think that it's rare. I kind of grew into motherhood and wanting children when I knew I was having them and now love it. In other situations I can see unplanned/unwanted children causing resentment in the parent that didn't want them. I don't advise tricking her into pregnancy and even if you did she could abort and given her current stance on being child-free probably would. 

On the other side of things, if being a father is that important to you, remaining married and childless with your wife will create a void in you and burn a hole in your heart and your marriage. Your wife knows what she wants or in this case, doesn't want.


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## JustTired

I always said I would never have chldren. In my mind, I didn't need any kids because I had a niece & that was all I needed. I then started dating my husband who already had kids. He expressed wanting a child with me if/when we got married. I never gave him a definitive yes but figured I would roll with it. In 2010 I decided to take my IUD out & see what happens, I was 33 year old then. Within 3 months I found out I was pregnant.

When I took a pregnancy test in my bathroom & saw the positive lines, I was numb. I didn't do all of that emotional stuff that I hear about women doing. I just thought, "Brace yourself...here we go!". When I told my family, they were thoroughly shocked. They truly believed I would never have kids.

Fast forward to now, I have a 3 year old daughter that I adore to no end. I can't imagine my life without her, I am so in love with her it's not funny. I never knew I could love a person so much, she has taught me what real unconditional love really means.

Was I 100% on board to have a child when I got married? No. Do I regret or resent my decision to have a child? No. My daughter is the light of my life, literally.


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## lderv

stuckinboston said:


> Wife and I have been married 6 years. We've got problems, but the biggest is that I want kids and she doesn't. We had a frank discussion about it this past weekend, and she wants to push the discussion off another two years.
> 
> Her thinking is that "I don't want kids, and I don't see myself wanting kids, but let's revisit in two years and see." In the meantime she doesn't want to talk about the subject anymore.
> 
> The entire time we've been married, these discussions always consist of her saying "I don't see myself wanting kids," followed up rather quickly by something that just cracks the door open, like a conversation on the schools near us or a discussion about boy names.
> 
> I'm fairly certain that, if I acquiesce to her request, in two years I'll be pushing 40 and she'll be saying "I don't see myself wanting kids, but let's revisit this in a couple years."
> 
> She's 32 right now. I always expected - as did her mother - she would eventually want a kid, but at this point I don't see it happening.
> 
> Any chance I'm wrong and she'll feel the baby urge? Ever?
> 
> Thanks.


Hi, my 2 cents- I think she's probably telling you the truth- she doesn't want kids. And that she's saying lets wait and see to get you off her back.
My brother was in love with a women who didn't want kids and they broke up over the issue.
I think you need to decide what is most important to you- staying with your wife or having kids.


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## lovelost2soon

She is unlikely to change her mind. And making you "wait it out" for another two years is not fair to you. If you really want kids then you need to see if you want to stay in this marriage. Do you love her enough to be ok with never having kids? That's a question you need to answer and if it is yes then you have to come to terms with never having a child. Best of luck to you......


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