# Friend Interfering in relationship



## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

I think my husband and his friend have an unhealthy relationship. She only asks him to lunch if something is devestating her and she uses him as a sounding board. When she comes to our house she vents and vents with no room for anyone else to interject; she rarely allows anyone else room to speak and is bored when it is not about her. 
I had become close to her and decided I finally could not tolerate her one sided friendship and her incessant cruel gossipping about others. I wrote her a letter and brought up specific circumstances, even telling her because of the way she spoke of others I did not feel confident she would not speak that way about me. 
She has not responded to me in over 3 weeks (she was at our house every few days or more) but still invites my husband to lunch. My husband is mad and saying I am destroying his friendship. I don't want this person in my life as she is using my husband as an emotional crutch and is coming before me with him because of her 'emergencies'. She is also a friend of the family and they are disappointed I am not speaking with her (telling me not to hold a grudge-what grudge?) and are not giving me room to explain. 
She puts on a really great front and is a very skilled narcissist. Any advice? I really want everyone to respect my choice. And me as a person. Help!:scratchhead:


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

More info please.

Was this woman your husband's friend before you met him?

What is the circumstance of their friendship, ie, childhood, school, work? 

Did they ever date and/or have an intimate relationship?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I try to avoid people who are constantly talking bad about others. Always makes me feel I wonder what they are saying about me behind my back. I think you did the right thing, you wrote her your feelings about the subject and she refuses to respond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

Yes, they dated in high school. Pretty sure he lost his virginity to her. She was being 'abused' by her sister's husband and he supported her through the aftermath. She cheated on him and broke up with him. I've always found it strange that right after this 'abuse' that she slept with him and then someone else as well. That doesn't scream trauma to me. My husband is on speaking terms with most of his ex's. I'm more concerned about his family thinking I'm being pety; she has known them for at least 15 years.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

OK, I'll be gentle.... 

I am going to assume that you did not tell your husband that you were going to write this email to her, right? Or you told him after the fact? I understand that you became friends with her too along the way but this was his friend first. And even if you two became friends with her at the same time it would have still been the right thing for you to do to talk to hubby first. I doubt he'd have wanted you to write her that email but instead advise you to maybe pull away from her gradually over time. And he could have circumvented some of the "comings over" and she wouldn't be at your house as much; i.e. interferring in relationship, as you say. 

It's a slippery slope when we befriend other peoples friends because if there is a fallout you have to take into account the feelings of all parties involved. The reality is, not only is she interferring in your marriage (as you see it), you are interferring in their friendship. 

If I was your husband, I'd be mad too. Not necessarily because you sent that email but because you sent it without letting him know. He has now been thrown into the middle of his friend of 15 years and his wife. He's not defending his friend (ex gf?) but he is defending his role as a husband and confidant. Bad position you put him in. How would you feel if you found out he sent one of your close friends an email telling him/her the same things you told this woman? Probably not very good......


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lucybrown said:


> Yes, they dated in high school. Pretty sure he lost his virginity to her. She was being 'abused' by her sister's husband and he supported her through the aftermath. She cheated on him and broke up with him. I've always found it strange that right after this 'abuse' that she slept with him and then someone else as well. That doesn't scream trauma to me. My husband is on speaking terms with most of his ex's. I'm more concerned about his family thinking I'm being pety; she has known them for at least 15 years.


Forget about his family. This isn't about them. And you can't spend the rest of your life worrying about what they think.

This is about your husband's old girlfriend in your life. And that's rarely a good thing.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your husband is being highly disrespectful to you by putting this OW before you.

My husband and I do not ever have friendships of the opposite sex, especially an ex. It's a boundary we do not cross.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

High maintenance drama lama. Find a way to lose her.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your husband is being highly disrespectful to you by putting this OW before you.
> 
> My husband and I do not ever have friendships of the opposite sex, especially an ex. It's a boundary we do not cross.


Oh, and I should say for the record -- I do agree with this. Unfortantely you allowed this friendship to continue even to the point of befriending her yourself. Probably one of those keep your enemies closer type of deals. So telling him it is inappropriate to be friends with her now won't carry the same amount of weight as it would have when you two first got together. And although I still stand by the fact that your husband should be upset that you sent him that email without him knowing (my assumption based on your post), he still needs to have your back at the end of the day.


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

He insisted I write it to her.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> OK, I'll be gentle....
> 
> I am going to assume that you did not tell your husband that you were going to write this email to her, right? Or you told him after the fact? I understand that you became friends with her too along the way but this was his friend first. And even if you two became friends with her at the same time it would have still been the right thing for you to do to talk to hubby first. I doubt he'd have wanted you to write her that email but instead advise you to maybe pull away from her gradually over time. And he could have circumvented some of the "comings over" and she wouldn't be at your house as much; i.e. interferring in relationship, as you say.
> 
> ...


Ok Irish Girl I will try to be gentle with you

Oh HE!L no! Are you married? And your H has close femle friends? Nah!

OP let H know you need him to have your back with this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

High drama llama is right! 
I actually had no intentions of writing to her; she knew she was crossing boundaries. I simply stopped contacting her, inviting her over, etc. I did not hear one word from her and she went to him asking questions, though clearly she knew why I took a step back. She has also been cheating on her lovers and then bringing them to my home expecting me to act as if I know nothing. No thanks. I can't trust someone who behaves this way. It has been consistent.


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

Perhaps I should have included that he only heard from her once every few months until just before she got divorced. Since then she is very needy and at our home far more than anyone should be. 
I am not a fan of allowing people who behave like this and treat other people poorly into my home. I feel I am protecting myself and my family.


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

I never told him it was inappropriate for him to be friends with her. He is his own person. I did tell him I was choosing to not spend my time with her. 
Why do I feel like I'm being attacked here?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

lucybrown said:


> I never told him it was inappropriate for him to be friends with her.


Now would be the time, and not in the form of a suggestion. In the form of making a choice between the two of you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Why is your husband mad at you? Why does he think you are destroying his friendship?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Ah, see --- if you wrote in your original post that your husband insisted you write her that letter than he needs to be quiet about you destroying his friendship. That little detail changes my opinion entirely!


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

Emerald said:


> Why is your husband mad at you? Why does he think you are destroying his friendship?


Honestly, I think it is because he would like to avoid any conflict at all costs. If it doesn't bother him that she is not a good friend to him, why should I feel any differently about hers/my friendship kind of thinking. I'm the kind of person who would rather be alone than have damaging/negative people around; he has more of an unhealthy bs tolerance. Co-dependency issue, maybe.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lucybrown said:


> I never told him it was inappropriate for him to be friends with her. He is his own person. I did tell him I was choosing to not spend my time with her.
> Why do I feel like I'm being attacked here?


So I am still assuming this is not an "open marriage" but it might be. Is it? If not while he is his own person do you guys have any boundaries about these things? If so what are the boundaries?

She is divorced and needy and was your husbands first sexual experience. Right. How sweet. And how nice of you.

I am not judging you. But we need to be clear on your relationship for this to make any sense at all.


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

No, not an open marriage. Boundaries being if someone is driving a wedge between us we take a step back and reevaluate the situation. Just trying to figure out where to go from here.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

This isn't about you and her. It's about you and your husband.

Why isn't he backing you up on this? He insisted that you send the letter, now he's mad that it had the intended effect?


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

Yes, thank you for understanding that. He is not backing me up because he does not agree with my decision to not spend time with her. I think he expected everything to be 'fine' or that I would change my mind but I simply won't make time for someone bringing chaos into my life when I have so many other positive outlets.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lucybrown said:


> Yes, thank you for understanding that. He is not backing me up because he does not agree with my decision to not spend time with her. I think he expected everything to be 'fine' or that I would change my mind but I simply won't make time for someone bringing chaos into my life when I have so many other positive outlets.


Then she is driving a wedge between you and your husband.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am not going to mince words here. You need to put on your big girl pants and TELL your husband you are not OK with his continued relationship with his (ex)GF! I don't give a sh1t what his family think or believe. Your relationship with him is paramount. If you are uncomfortable with this GF then he needs to fix it. How would he like it if you went off and had lunch with an ex-lover or two every so often...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband has been friends with a woman for a long time and I personally can't stand her. But, she's his friend, not mine. As long as she doesn't interfere with our time, he can be friends with her. We only invite her over when there will be a group of people so I don't have to deal directly with her. She just gets on my nerves with her incessant need to talk over every damn little thing that happens in work. I see his facial expressions... It's laughable sometimes. I don't have the slightest suspicion about them, and if you met her you would agree! But, he never slept with her. There is no history for me to be concerned about.

If it wasn't for you H's past history with her, I'd suggest you simply back out of your part and allow him his friend. Their history suggests the continued friendship isn't really appropriate, whether you like her or not. It's just not a good idea for a married person to maintain a friendship with an ex lover. Thats the bottom line here.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your husband is being highly disrespectful to you by putting this OW before you.
> 
> My husband and I do not ever have friendships of the opposite sex, especially an ex. It's a boundary we do not cross.


But that is you though.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

There are two things that need to be cleared up here. One is I assume that you two don't have issues with having friends with the opposite sex, it's like that old saying it's not what you do but HOW YOU DO IT. 

So it looks like that you didn't have problems with him having friends with the opposite sex it's really about her as a person and how her behavior in some aspects is starting a wedge in your marriage the tricky bit is getting him to understand the "why". Especially since he insisted that you write the email to begin with.
The deeper issue is about boundaries and communication, you two have to find some type of compromise. You could flip it. See what happens.

Remind him that you wouldn't have written the email unless he knew about it and frankly since you two are not getting along your concern is now that she might bash you behind your back and since you two are not getting along right now it's really not appropriate for her to go to lunch with him by himself (Only because you two are not getting along). Say hey I don't think its cool you go to lunch alone with her and were not getting along right now plus we need to initiate some boundaries here tell him what your comfortable with and what your not.


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