# Soon to be X moving in with girlfriend - help



## believer

I am sooo frustrated right now don't know what to do because reasoning with my soon to be X is not working. In reality, I can't control this outcome but want to try to protect my children (9 & 4) if I can. 
My situation in a nutshell: Husband caught in affair 4 yrs ago when I was pregnant with our 4 yr old, said he would end affair to work on our marriage but did not. Have been seperated for 1.5/2 yrs now & decided this summer to move forward with a divorce. 
He has been seeing someone since at least this summer & probably longer and now that is it getting more serious he want to push for divorce. We only told our 9 yr old in Nov that mom & dad will not be getting back together & will be getting a divorce. 
In the meantime, my soon to be X, has decided he will be moving in with his new girlfriend in Jan. And wants the kids to stay with him for his usual 1 night/week. 

I have expressed concern about how the kids will handle the news about the divorce and then 2 months later daddy is already moving in with someone. 
My concerns are the following that 
1) they see so little of their dad already & now they will have to share their time with dad, new girlfriend & her daughter - very limited/to no alone time with daddy. 
I have already asked their dad to not spend time with his girlfriend, her daughter & our girls on the 1 night he has them but he has continued to disregard my requests & they all go out to eat, dinner, movies on a regular basis. ** keep in mind 6 other days of the week he can spend with the girlfriend** 
2) they will see an intimate relationship between their dad & the new girlfriend & be jealous and maybe concerned about mommy being replaced.
3) I am not confident that this relationship will be a lasting one, so am concerned that they will see him with this woman but down the road they will have to see that relationship deteriorate & have to readjust again. 
3) I do not condon this situation but don't want to bad mouth their dad either. How can I explain to them but also let them know I don't agree. 

My soon to be X wants to tell them & get them excited about their new place & room, etc. We do not agree on how or when to tell them
Any suggestions would be appreciated . . . .


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## DawnD

I will give this a shot, bear with me. First off, I feel for you honey. That is a tough situation and I think all of your questions are good ones and that you had the foresight to bring them here is amazing!

Since the girls have already met H's gf, I would just sit with them and talk about it. What do you think about Miss ___ girls? Do you have fun when you are with your daddy and Miss ____? And then ask them if they have any questions. Let them know that you two won't be living together and that for now when they go to see daddy he will be living with her. Tell them repeatedly that they still have BOTH of you. You are still mommy and he is still daddy and they can tell you and talk to you about anything. If they seem to be struggling with it, talk again. That seems to be the only thing I can think of honey.


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## sargegonewild

Well,...thats a tough one. I would'nt realy care about him,....thats for sure. He made his bed, he's gotta lie in it. Just make sure you stay true and honest with your girls and that she's a good influence on them. Not much else you can do at this time.


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## believer

I have started seeing a therapist again after this news came up because I was at a loss at how to handle. She recommends that I tell the girls so it is done right & explained the way I want. 
As mentioned I have asked my husband not to tell them & to prolong breaking the news to them as long as possible. 
At the moment I do not have a "move in date", not sure if there is a date set or if I just haven't been told yet. 

But he tells me - this is going to happen - they are going to find out sooner or later. I know that I can't avoid it but it was my hope to have as much time between telling our 9 yr old about the divorce & then telling her this latest development. 

I have asked her casually if she has fun hanging out with the girlfriend & her daughter & she says no. That the daughter never smiles & is boring. My husband has rationalized that they all have so much fun together so this is going to work out just great. 

I had told him I would like to meet the new girlfriend - mom to mom- to find out more about her. Her values & how she is raising her daughter. Maybe it would give me a little comfort to at least know who it is that is spending time with my children. 
Do you think this is reasonable to ask? 

I also had asked my soon to be X if he would not take the girls over night for a couple months. Just so he could get settled in to his new place & again to let a little more time pass. He says he doesn't like that I am telling him what he can & can not do & that he can't see his kids. I didn't say he couldn't see them but was requesting that they not have the overnights for a little bit yet. 
Again- do you feel this is fair to ask? 

I try to keep reminding him that this whole situation is not fair to our girls & that I am just trying to look out for their best interest.


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## Atholk

I think you're over reacting a little here. There's nothing that you're suggesting here that the new girlfriend is in any way a danger to your girls. So just step back and let them visit without trying to interfere. If they like her fine, if they don't fine.

It's been nearly two years. I say let them go to his house once a week, and you go out and have some fun and time for yourself. You need it more than you know.


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## believer

since our seperation, I have definitely savored my 1 night off from the girls. I do love them dearly but it has been so nice to have time for me to do whatever I want. I almost felt guilty for enjoying my alone time so much - something I never asked for when we were married. 
Atholk - yes, although we have been seperated for 1.5 yrs, we were still spending some time as a family on the weekend ( up until this summer when he met the new friend.) It was only until this summer that we discussed more seriously moving forward witht the divorce. So as we all had hoped the seperation might only be temporary - that is not the case. Our girls did well adjusting to the seperation because my husband & I were on good terms which psychologist say helps kids adjust better.
My concern is that my 9 yr old was only told that we will not be getting back together in Nov. & then within less than 2 months, she will see her dad move in with someone else. I think all kids have that hope that mom & dad will reunite ( as a part of me did too) and that she may still be trying to deal with the news that her "fantasy" of mommy & daddy getting back together will not come true. 
I think if we had been divorce 1.5 yrs ago ( which in hind sight is what should have been done) it would be much easier to explain the impending move it to her & my 4 yr old. 

I am just trying to protect my kids but I know in the end they will find out. Guess my thought process is the more time between them finding out the divorce is going to happen & the actual move in the easier it will be to explain to them.
am I wrong . . .?


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## Atholk

You couldn't control what this guy did when you were married, not much point trying to do so now. As long as the kids are physically safe, don't worry about them.

Just bring the whole thing to a close for the kids I think. The longer you drag it out the worst it is I think.


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## fedupinminnesota

I feel for you. I would be concerned about the kids too. Your older daughter may not get along with the other womens daughter but maybe this will change with time. I also do not think it is unreasonable that you get to meet this woman. After all she will be spending time with your children . Have you asked your ex if you could meet her? I hope your children are handling it okay . As time goes by it will get a little easier I am sure but it is hard to explain things to a 4 year old. I am sure your therapist could give you some ideas with how to talk to her and your older daughter as well. You are right if you had divorced a couple years ago things might be easier but as we all know we cannot change the mistakes we made in the past. Good luck and keep us posted!


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## TNgirl232

You can't control him...or what he does - but you also don't have to sit back with your mouth shut if you don't like something in regards to the kids. I did that with my ex's first girlfriend. He just got engaged to the 2nd and I told him I wouldn't be sitting quietly this time around if she did something that was harmful to my child. I'm not talking about petty stuff...or you feel that got grounded for something you wouldn't agree with - unfortunately that's just part of the divorce package. I'm talking about things like what happened with me this weekend. 1) the new fiancee and my ex's dad don't get along...she told my daughter "your grandfather hates me" I told my ex that he need to talk to her about not putting our daughter in the middle of anyone. We have both worked very hard for our daughter not to become a "pawn" in anyone's game and she isn't going to start now. 2) my daughter kicked her grandfathers step-granddaughter (anyone confused yet  ) - the fiancee told her she shouldn't do it again but "good job" as she doesn't like the other child. I told my ex that this was an unacceptable message to our child. He said he would discuss them with her and that he agreed. She is young - 22 or 23 - and my daughter is 11...so she has some parenting skills that need to be learned. Just make sure you choose the "battles" so to speak and not turn every little thing into an opportunity to gripe to your ex about the OW


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## believer

TNgirl - I most definitely don't want/intend to make this about the other woman. As I mentioned, my soon to be X is a free man & can do what he pleases for himself. It is when our children are involved that I am concerned. 

I am just trying to put them 1st trying to make sure things are presented to them in the best manner. It is just so difficult to not believe in what their dad is doing for a number of reasons ( unfaithful, inpregnanting another woman - not this one ( the kids don't know about thier 1/2 sister yet), moving in with someone before your divorce is final, etc, etc) but yet not say anything bad about him. 

I want our kids to grow up with strong morals & hope that I can be an example to them. Although they are young now, I just need to tell myself, that down the road when they are older & can know more. I can at least look myself in the mirror & them in the eye & tell them I did everything I could to save the marriage & try to set a good example for them. Hopefully they will be able to see that looking back and appreciate it. 

FedupinMN - yes I did ask about meeting the OW but we never came to a conclusion on this. If they will be living together, it is somewhat inevitable that she & I will meet at some point, ( during drop off/pick up, etc). And think I would prefer to meet her in advance. As I mentioned previously, although I can't control this outcome re: the move, guess it might give a little more piece of mind, knowing what she is like. I have been told she wears fake eye lashes, lots of make up & smokes - all wonderful qualities 

Antholk thinks I am over reacting. But hey, they are my/our kids.


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## TNgirl232

I know how you feel. My husband and I have pretty much determined that we will be my daughters role model for what a relationship should be. At least at this time, her dad's been through 1 fiance....and got engaged for a second time 8 months later to a new girl who he'd been dating 6 months. Sometimes all we can do is show our children that not all relationships end or are dysfunctional and hope they take our lessons and run with them.


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## believer

One more bit of venting before I call it a night.. . . 
My soon to be x was supposed to have the girls 2 nights this week due to the school holiday. He called tonight (tue) to let me know he can't take them tomorrow because something has come up. When I pressed him further, he told me that he needs 1 night to himself. (He works night Fri - Wed). And that he could take them either Wed or Thur but not both. 
I sent him a long text tonight because he was working expressing my disappointment in letting me & the girls down. I explained that this is not a regular thing that he has them 2 night/week & figured he might want to spend extra time with them & I get an extra night off too as a bonus. 
I explained that the girls could probably use an extra dose of reassurance & stability during this time. And then to be told they are going to daddy's one day & then not going the next is confusing for them. I told him I would downplay the change of plans for their benefit. 
What is frustrating is I have a feeling that he wants to spend the time with the new woman, over his kids & that is really upsetting that he is possibly putting her 1st over them. The reason I think that it is, when we were trying to coordinate how he would get the kids thur morning, I offered to drop the kids at his place on the way to my office. He said he would not be home that morning but he could meet me somewhere. 
haven't looked to see if he replied to my text

selfish, selfish, selfish - ugh . . . 
thanks for listening - how can their dad be so self centered?


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## Deejo

I fully understand the whole Mama Bear piece. And no, you truly don't have any say or control over the choices your husband makes in his personal life.

But, I do think you can fully work on boundary setting with your ex. When something 'comes up', it is his job to tell his children, not yours. Cripes, talk about a cop-out. Make that clear. Do you guys have a formal separation agreement with the guidelines for custody outlined?

So, does he have them for two days, one night?

I think you just need to be honest with yourself in terms of whether or not you truly believe the children are at risk versus their having to adapt to circumstances that you simply don't approve of. I'm not telling you it's right or wrong, but you will serve yourself and them better, by recognizing it for what it is. As you point out, odds are, the kids have already experienced the girlfriend and other child staying over many times.

There are going to be moments of discomfort, disagreements and tussles between the kids, same kind of stuff that goes on whether they are sibs or not.

I think it is absolutely reasonable that you would want to meet her. Frankly, I'm surprised you haven't already if he has been seeing her since spring/summer. You can worry this thing from either side. She could be absolutely wonderful, bonds with and is good to your girls, and your ex dumps her in six months. This was more my situation. The kids still ask about the boyfriend - whom I have no doubt in my mind, loved my children. 

If you were still holding out hope that this thing was going to be resolved between you, despite the year-plus separation, then you are only now having to acknowledge that it is truly over, along with the fact that he has decided to move on, and in, with someone else. You'd think time may make it easier, but most of us here know that until you have accepted the outcome - it doesn't much matter if it's been two weeks or two years.


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## swedish

believer said:


> What is frustrating is I have a feeling that he wants to spend the time with the new woman, over his kids & that is really upsetting that he is possibly putting her 1st over them.


You are probably right...and yes it is selfish. Even if it were he wants a night alone, I am sure there are many nights YOU could use a break but don't call him and say he needs to watch them tonight. Grrrrrr....been there too 

Here's what I think on the GF issue. Background...my ex remarried 2 months after we divorced...I found out from my kids....nice co-parenting...not! My ONLY concern was that my kids were treated well when they were with him....she actually has more patience than him and has a background in childcare so I was relieved in the end.

Bottom line is that if they already know you will be getting divorced, they have met her before and will not be shocked if your ex moves forward with her. Having her around will be nothing new since they've seen her already and they don't go there near as much as they are with you so it is more important that your home is stable right now. My guess is that they will adjust just fine, even if they stay the night. I do understand your worry...it is hard to know your children are in the care of another woman that you don't even know.


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## believer

deejo & swedishh - you always seem to be able to offer an encouraging word in a "non- lecturing manner" 

Yes Deejo - yes I agree that it is not only that we are making the final decision to divorce which was a difficult decision for me as it was. I was really wanted to believe that my husband was finally telling the truth & he had changed, And kept hoping (which was totally unrealistic looking back) that somehow we would have a different outcome - I was definitely in denial. 
So pair the acceptance stage now with knowing that he had already moved on a long time ago doesn't make this any easier. 

I think you both make a good point & think I will have to turn things around & think this way. That he & the OW will be living together soon, for how long, who knows. But as long as she is not a threat & treats them well - that should be my main concern. 

As I mentioned previously, I hope that my girls can look to me for guidance & making good decisions in the future. Even if they see their father not doing the same. 
As I have said all along - I am only trying to look out for the girls best interest. And think you have given me the tools to get beyond being concerned with seeing thier dad & this woman living together. ( they have already seen dad & OW together on a regular basis - just living together seems like quite a bit bigger step at least in my book) . 

if I can be reassured that she cares for them & treats them nicely that should give me a sense of relief. 
In saying that, I guess my best assurance might be to schedule a meeting with her. 
thanks guys & lets hope 2010 is a better year!!!!!!


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