# New husband caught on internet porn and dating sites



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Ok. I'm hoping this is the right place to post this as I feel like I am losing my mind and my new husband. I'm not looking for criticism of what has already happened but maybe some advice or to know I'm not alone.....or just to vent in a safe place. 

I'm almost 30 and just married for the first time this past July. My husband is 36 and this is his 2nd marriage. We were good friends before we dated. Actually, he was best friends with my ex boyfriend. 2 years after my ex and I split, my ex was killed in a motorcycle accident, and that is how my husband and I got together. Our friendship really came first, and the romance came later. I give that history because I think it contributes to our sex life. I've had other relationships that started with physical feelings, but this one did not. The physical feelings developed out of our love for each other.

We were together less than a year when our sex life kind of died. I figured it was because he was in a new job, we both moved to a new house together, and life was pretty hectic. However, none of that changed this summer or after marriage. We've had sex 1 time since being married, and I don't know how to get it all started again. I have never been one to instigate sex, but now I am seeing that my husband doesn't either. He doesn't seem to try at all. I don't believe it because he doesn't want sex. He does. He is just afraid of being turned down or of hurting my feelings by wanting it when I don't. I have tried to discuss this with him, but he shuts down whenever he doesn't know what to say or feels that something is going to be confrontational. Finally, last week we talked about it some and I thought things would change as soon as I was finished with my "monthly visitor"....however, it's only gotten worse.

(I know this is long, but please bear with me) Yesterday, my husband was on the computer all afternoon and evening. I napped and then went to school to write lessons for this week. He is NEVER on the computer, so it was kinda weird to me. He is pretty computer illiterate, but I do know he likes to play games sometimes. Later I got on the computer and began to type an address in and saw a search for youtube videos that was not appropriate. I was curious by this point and opened the history. He had played games while he was on the computer, but he also visited many porn sites, porn videos, chat rooms, and dating sites. I clicked on one and it went to the dating site and he was even still logged in to his profile!!!!!! I finally went and confronted him about it and he claimed he hadn't been on ANYTHING other than games. I showed him the history and he claims that it was prob junk emails he deleted. However, he doesn't realize that it doesn't show up in the history unless the page is opened. He said that he used to have a profile on that dating site 4 years ago and that he got an email, but deleted it. Again, he doesn't realize that he would not be logged into that site from 4 years ago....he had to have logged in on my computer recently. I looked in the history and there are other times that he has been home during the day or in the evening before me and porn sites are on there as well. So, it is in black and white....he was visiting the sites. 

I think I could deal with the porn, but the other sites bother me. If he is this sexually frustrated, then why has he not been coming to me, especially after I opened up communication about this subject??? I've had people tell me that if men are looking elsewhere then I'm not doing my job to satisfy him, but it goes deeper than that. Some gave the advice that the relationship is over, but I have no intention to just end my marriage before it begins. At this point I don't know what to do. I want our sex life back, and I am willing to give him more if that is what he needs, but I don't know how to trust him after this.....I never thought he would do something remotely close to cheating. His ex had an affair, and it is something I've always known that he is against....even when I only knew him through my ex boyfriend. I feel like that man I married is not the same man I knew before the marriage. It's like he did a complete 180. 

Any advice on where to go from here would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my LONG post. And thanks to those who created this forum so I finally have a place where it is ok to discuss these topics.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If it is only watching porn, I don't think it is serious. Maybe you can watch it with him together. My husband was watching porn by himself one time( we just got married). I am not against porn. So I told him we could watch it together. For visiting dating sites, that's kind of serious. I have been to some overseas Chinese discussion forums. Very often I got messages from men asking me for msn or phone numbers. I just told them I don't chat with men privately. They can't get anything. They are looking for one night stand. Only naive women would go out with them. I doubt how many naive women there are on the dating sites. 
But you do have to find a way to work out your sex life with him though. That is tough if the man is not cooperative. Maybe he feels bad that you have been his best friend's girlfriend. I am just guessing. Some men like to keep their secrets. They don't tell you what they think.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

ku1980rose said:


> I've had people tell me that if men are looking elsewhere then I'm not doing my job to satisfy him, but it goes deeper than that.


Don't for once start blaming yourself. He's got a couple of problems--one is that he lies and the other is that he is going to inappropriate sites. I used to see nothing wrong with porn, but I've got a problem with it now. For starters, he is putting a priority on the porn instead of you. And the dating site is a huge problem. You are newlyweds!!! This shouldn't be happening! The two of you need to get things fixed (& he needs to commit to doing so) or you need to get out of this marriage. Go to counseling for starters.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

" I have never been one to instigate sex, but now I am seeing that my husband doesn't either. He doesn't seem to try at all. I don't believe it because he doesn't want sex. He does. He is just afraid of being turned down or of hurting my feelings by wanting it when I don't."

I guess I don't understand. You want sex but you don't initiate it. Why would your husband fear being turned down by you if he approaches you for sex? Have you rejected him frequently in the past or for prolonged periods? You said the sex just kinda died. Sex can't just "die". It's unlikely that two people would just spontaneously decide they were no longer sexual human beings. It's logical to assume that somebody was still expressing interest in sex and the other partner was rejecting them. It's unclear who played which role in your situation. Obviously, the man has an interest in sex because he's cruising porn sites. The questions would seem to be why he doesn't bring his sexual interests/problems to you and what satisfaction does he get from porn that couldn't be realized with you in bed?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Porn alone really shouldn't be a problem. I myself have no problem with it, as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life. And if it was porn alone, you could talk to him and tell him that you want to have sex with him and that if he's getting something from the porn that he doesn't get from you, that he needs to talk to you about it so that you can try to provide him with that. 

The dating sites are a completely different issue. Porn is a fantasy, a nameless person that he'll never meet. Dating sites are filled with potential cheating partners. And I don't know anyone who looks at dating sites because they're horny and want to get off in front of the computer. 

And on top of it all, he's denying having done any of it. I think that *almost* is worse than the rest. Because, now not only do you see that he is capable of doing this kind of thing, but now you see that he will also lie to you. And knowing that he will lie to you does more to break your trust than anything else, because he could lie about absolutely anything, and it will leave you constantly wondering "is he telling the truth?" about anything he says. 

Would he consider counseling? I think that might be a good way to get him to talk to you about why he's doing what he's doing, and why he lied about it. A neutral third party to keep things from getting out of hand could help him feel that he can be honest (if he's afraid that you'll get angry or something).

Another thought, and of course this will prove somewhat difficult given what you're faced with right now, is to stop being so passive about sex. Don't wait for him to initiate sex. If you want it, go after it. There is nothing wrong with letting your husband know you want sex and you want him. And no one wants to feel pressured to always be the one to initiate. Once you start initiating, he might initiate then too. 

And if he refuses you, then that tells you that there's even more to worry about.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Unbelievable

I have not rejected him frequently, but I also did not have the same sex drive as him. I have the same question though "Why doesn't he bring his sexual interests/problems to me?" I guess this is where I am struggling because I've tried to get him to talk about things and he just clams up. I wonder if it isn't something from his past with his ext that he just doesn't talk. It's difficult to explain without giving all the history, but it is something we've struggled with. He has a VERY hard time discussing things and opening up. I constantly try to "open the door" for conversations, but he really does just clam up.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

atruckersgirl

I agree totally with your response, and I'm definitely going to quit being so passive. I also agree that the lying and the dating sites is not good and that's really what I don't know what to do about.


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## justme1956 (Aug 31, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> Unbelievable
> 
> I have not rejected him frequently, but I also did not have the same sex drive as him. I have the same question though "Why doesn't he bring his sexual interests/problems to me?" I guess this is where I am struggling because I've tried to get him to talk about things and he just clams up. I wonder if it isn't something from his past with his ext that he just doesn't talk. It's difficult to explain without giving all the history, but it is something we've struggled with. He has a VERY hard time discussing things and opening up. I constantly try to "open the door" for conversations, but he really does just clam up.


"I HAVE NOT REJECTED HIM FREQUENTLY"

What do you consider "not frequently" ?

once a month?..twice a week? 1 out every 3 times?

Why would you reject him at all?..Were you sick, not in the mood, monthly visitor, punishing him?....rejection is a very strong emotion. And I have a feeling that this is the reason he does not want to be bothered with it.

From a man's point of view if I were "rejected" even once, I would not return for more humilation and hurt.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I wouldn't call it frequent rejection, just that I am not in the mood as much as him. Sometimes it's because of the monthly visitor, sometimes it's that I'm not in the mood, sometimes it's because I don't feel well. It's not like I just told him, "No, I will not have sex with you." However, the problem lately is that he just doesn't seem interested at all, and I cannot get him to talk about the problem.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ku1980rose said:


> I have the same question though "Why doesn't he bring his sexual interests/problems to me?" I guess this is where I am struggling because I've tried to get him to talk about things and he just clams up. I wonder if it isn't something from his past with his ext that he just doesn't talk. It's difficult to explain without giving all the history, but it is something we've struggled with. He has a VERY hard time discussing things and opening up. I constantly try to "open the door" for conversations, but he really does just clam up.


I know exactly how you feel. this has been the battle in my marriage from the beginning. I didnt find out about the porn and dating sites until i moved to another state with him. my H lied to me repeatedly about everything. i actually knew he looked at porn, what guy doesnt, so i tossed it aside at first because it _shouldnt_ be a problem. turns out it is a problem. if it causes a problem then it is a problem. pretty simple. dont let anyone put this on you. this is not your fault and there is NOTHING you can do to change him. there's no amount of dressing up, sucking up, or coaxing that will change him. its not you. its him. 

I spent a lot of time trying to explain why my H looked at porn and why he didnt want to come to me. i came up with a million reasons and a million solutions to his problem. he was depressed, stressed, i needed to be more loving, make him dinner, do things he liked, dress up, and turn him on more. Then i became resentful and angry that i was taking on the burden of changing so i determined it was his problem and i made a list of what he needed to do. I monitored his computer, his phone, and questioned everything he did. All the while my emotional health was plummeting. I was so obsessed with this. i thought i had to fix his problem to be happy, and if i couldnt fix his problem all was lost. 

i really feel for you because i remember slowly getting my fantasy of love shattered. it was so painful and confusing going through all of that. i wanted to fix things so badly but he didnt seem to care. it was so simple in my head; if he really loved me all he had to do was stop looking at porn and stop lying to me. In reality, its not that simple at all.

After four years of fighting my H and I are OK. not great, but much better then we were. we both go to counseling and we rarely fight anymore. I take care of myself, and myself only. I do not try and change my H. I dont think he _should_ make me feel better or do anything he doesnt want to do. That's not to say i dont have boundaries or that id let him do whatever he wants. i'll leave if i dont feel good in the relationship. but i wont try and change him. that's up to him.


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## justme1956 (Aug 31, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> I wouldn't call it frequent rejection, just that I am not in the mood as much as him. Sometimes it's because of the monthly visitor, sometimes it's that I'm not in the mood, sometimes it's because I don't feel well. It's not like I just told him, "No, I will not have sex with you." However, the problem lately is that he just doesn't seem interested at all, and I cannot get him to talk about the problem.


Rejection in sex is saying " no I will not have sex with you". If you are sick or your monthly time, I completely understand. I even understand " I'm not in the mood". But how often are you not in the mood?.....What may not be a lot of times to you, may be a lot of times to him....Put yourself in his shoes, how many rejections would you take, before you finally shut down?

STOP!..beating around the bush with him. I have a feeling that since you are now in the mood, he may not be in the mood because of the past "rejections". Not out of meaness, but out of hurt. His rejection to you is not a get even thing, it is a hurt feeling........Ask him point blank, did you hurt him by "rejecting him.......He will probably tell you "no". No guy wants to admit that you hurt him. But apologise for it anyway.....It will go along way...Trust me....I am a guy and have been married for 35 yrs. and it took me 30 of them to admit to my wife when she hurt me...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

For whatever reason, I just don't see the chemistry between the two of you. There's no need in playing the blame game. Obviously neither of you are that into initiating sex. If you are going to save your marriage, both of you need to figure out what it's going to take to ignite that spark again. Was the chemistry ever really there?


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

Your situations sounds VERY similar to mine. With only a few facts changed. My husband is very computer literate and was always good at deleted his history. I actually would walk in on him jacking off and watching porn. We would have gone months without sex when I'd walk in on him. I must have walked in on him a dozen times at least just in the first 6 months we were married. You have to keep talking to him. I know my problem was that I gave up. I had a baby on the way. I knew when I was ovulating so I made damn sure we had sex when I was ready for baby #2. Before I knew it I had two kids to care for and frankly it because easier to ignore him jacking off to porn on the internet. But, eventually the kids weren't so high maintenance and I had more time to think about what was going on and how his behavior was affecting me. It was a HUGE problem in our marriage. Sadly for my situation, I was only able to fully correct the problem and get my husband to listen to me after he had an affair. Just yesterday I learned that he had signed up for dating sites throughout the course of our marriage. He's denied it, but the information I came across yesterday makes it very clear when it happened. Though you should not blame yourself for this problem he has, I understand it is affecting you. Two things I would suggest, approach him for sex when you want it, not when you think he wants it. And talk to him about approaching you for sex. Be ready to explain to him HOW you want him to approach you, what would make you feel good and get you in the mood. As hard as it has been for me, I have learned that I cannot turn my husband down for sex when he needs it. He would be ok with having sex every single day of the week, but since he has learned how to approach me when he really wants it or needs it, he simply hasn't tried to approach me every single day. We have sex very regularly now, but it's not every single day either. So, my need for a little down time and his need for lots of sex are both being met. At any rate, just don't stop talking to him about it. Also be ready to talk to him about it a number of times before you see any notable change.

And you may never get the truth out of him about the dating sites. My husband said he probably signed up for them looking for pictures of naked girls. He's into the amateur porn thing, so while I don't believe him completely I can buy the reason he signed up. Also, I know he's quite ashamed of his behavior and as such doesn't really want to talk about it some times. He wants to forget he behaved like that. Hence the reason he's not forthcoming with information.


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## cici (Nov 12, 2010)

My situation too involves these websites. My husband and i had been together for 3 years and before we got married i wanted to spice things up a bit because i didnt have alot of experience i suggested we watch an adult film. He told me he had Never watched one so i thought it would be fun something we both could share that neither of us had tried. I felt like a total idiot when i found out that not only had he watched porn he was on litterally almost every porn and dating site there is! There had even been a short period when he had not wanted to have sex leaving me feeling rejected and he was looking at graphic porn sites and pleasuring himself. Regarding the porn sites when i initially found out i tried to talk to him and i told him i understood that guys look at porn and he down played the whole situation saying they were old sites BUT then i found out he had gone beyond that he had even looked into meeting strangers for sex, he denied and denied this then finally admitting to doing this and said he never actually met anyone but had been a memeber of such site and made arrangements to meet someone. We married shortly after all of this came to light and i became pregnant and due to other reasons could not have sex, at this time he told me that he fantasizes about sex with other women he sees on tv and thinks about sex often. I think this is all indicitive to a huge problem but he says its typical guy behavior and now that he knows it bothers me he will stop although he does not think it is a big deal. Oh recently i found him on another site that advertises finding old loves etc and he swears he did not register??? Besides these issues he honetly is an amazing husband so i am very torn. Oh and one more thing in addition to the porn he was keeping in touch with his ex and lied about that as well, but has since stopped (i hope)


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