# Loneliness



## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

Hi all,

I’m about to start the divorce process. My STBX husband and I have been separated since May after 12 years of marriage, two kids, and two EAs (possible physical) on his end. 

After we separated, I began working full-time. Between work, daily chores, and the kids, I really didn’t have time to stop and think. Now that I have some time off for the holidays, though, I’ve been overwhelmed with either loneliness or anger. It’s awful. I’ve tried reaching out to friends, but they’re all busy with their families this time of year. My own family is 1400 miles away. We talk as much as we can, but it’s not the same as physically being with them. 

My STBXH is spending more and more time with one of the women he had an EA with. That’s where my anger is coming from. He hurt the kids and I so much ... it’s not fair that he gets to live it up with her while we’re a mess. I hate it. 

Do any of you have advice? How do I get past this hump and move on with my life? When does it get better? 

Thanks in advance.


----------



## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

You need to get past the victim mentality- the one that has you thinking how unfair it all is that he's happy and with the woman of his dreams and yet you and the children are suffering. 

Life isn't fair, it never was and it never will be, you need to start thinking more about yourself and less about him. 

That's for starters.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like your husband is no longer living with you. So how do you know how much time he is spending with another woman?

How many days a week does your husband have the children? It sounds like they are only spending time with you.

You need to turn your focus on yourself. Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. That's how you need to be interacting with him from here on out. He's not part of your life so treat him as such.

And start building your own life. You need to build a support system. This might mean making new friends. You might want to check out the site meetup.com It's not a dating site. It's a site where you can find things that you would enjoy doing and meet other people. It has things that you can do alone or things you can do with your children. 

You need to get out there and get active.

What sort of things do you do for yourself right now?

How many children do you have and what are their ages?


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

You are stronger than you know-
You got yourself up and got a full time job. Taking care of your babies, doing menial chores- like brushing your teeth let alone care for your children-

That ****head decided to dump for a new piece of ass.

You actually ARE a victim of spousal abuse- does not have to be your teeth being knocked down your throat to be a victim.

Angry- you go girl!

File tomorrow.


----------



## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

I know life isn’t fair. I know that better than anyone. I work full-time, barely have time to breathe, and have two kids under seven - one of whom has fought cancer twice and the other with anxiety/depression because of the sibling’s illness. My hands are full. 

My ex sees the kids about once a week. I know he’s with other women because of social media posts. I don’t follow him on social media anymore, but we have mutual friends that post stuff. I also see debits coming out of the checking account. Although we haven’t been living together since the spring, we haven’t yet separated the finances. I’m afraid to do so until I see a lawyer. 

I spent years caring for my ex, then I was a mom, then I had to care for a very ill child. I forgot what it’s like to be me. I don’t have any hobbies because it’s either work or family. I know I need to live again. I just don’t know where to start. 

Is Meetup safe? I’m new to all this stuff.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

OrangeCrayon said:


> I know life isn’t fair. I know that better than anyone. I work full-time, barely have time to breathe, and have two kids under seven - one of whom has fought cancer twice and the other with anxiety/depression because of the sibling’s illness. My hands are full.
> 
> My ex sees the kids about once a week. I know he’s with other women because of social media posts. I don’t follow him on social media anymore, but we have mutual friends that post stuff. I also see debits coming out of the checking account. Although we haven’t been living together since the spring, we haven’t yet separated the finances. I’m afraid to do so until I see a lawyer.
> 
> ...


Oh God-

Can you forget about Meetup?

Take care of your ill child.

And actually file and get divorced BEFORE you do Meetup/Tinder/ new POA website.

Your babies will actually respect ONE of their parents.

Good Luck.


----------



## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

My children are always my priority. My baby has been in remission for 8 months now and doing very well. 

Someone above suggested meetup as a support system, not dating. Dating is the last thing on my mind right now.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

OrangeCrayon said:


> I know life isn’t fair. I know that better than anyone. I work full-time, barely have time to breathe, and have two kids under seven - one of whom has fought cancer twice and the other with anxiety/depression because of the sibling’s illness. My hands are full.
> 
> My ex sees the kids about once a week. I know he’s with other women because of social media posts. I don’t follow him on social media anymore, but we have mutual friends that post stuff. I also see debits coming out of the checking account. Although we haven’t been living together since the spring, we haven’t yet separated the finances. I’m afraid to do so until I see a lawyer.
> 7
> ...


Do you make enough to suport yourself?

If so Start your own back account. Then call a lawyer.

Pick up a cheap hobby. Or exercise thats pretty cheap and good for you to boot!

Go dark on him and tell your friends you don't care what this ass hole is doing.

Advoid social media its poison to the soul!

Good luck


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

You have looked after a child with cancer and another one with childhood anxiety/depression. You’re an amazing woman. When the kids are with STBX spend some time doing things that you like to recharge. Meetups might be a good place to meet other single parents for support. 

Everything on social mediaa is made to appear rosy. Don’t take it as a measurement if your H’s happiness but be determined to be happy and work on you. Also I think you have the right to be angry and feel lonely. You have gone through a big change.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are on the hill fighting off the hordes.
You do so alone...or so it seems.

It seems that way to me, too.
I notice these things.

Your' run-away husband noticed this, too.
He folded, he ran.

You have stood firm.
Have withstood the barrages.

You now have friends here, hear?
Lean on them, lean on us.

Your' luck has started to change.
For the better...cannot get worse.
Well, I will not tempt the Devil, with this exchange.

It seems....
You are in the middle of a storm. A long bluster.
High winds, stinging sleet, freezing cold.
Then will come the heat, the desert, no water to parse your lips.

This too, shall pass.
Wait out the storm with friends. Friends here, hear?
That be better men and women than me, alas.

The Typist-


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems..
It seems to me..

Your problem, this conflict, comes from your Seventh house?
Is the sick child your second one?

SCM-
shifting gears to Analyzer, to Delineator.
from survival mode, to command Modus Operandi.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

OrangeCrayon said:


> I know life isn’t fair. I know that better than anyone. I work full-time, barely have time to breathe, and have two kids under seven - one of whom has fought cancer twice and the other with anxiety/depression because of the sibling’s illness. My hands are full.
> 
> My ex sees the kids about once a week. I know he’s with other women because of social media posts. I don’t follow him on social media anymore, but we have mutual friends that post stuff. I also see debits coming out of the checking account. Although we haven’t been living together since the spring, we haven’t yet separated the finances. I’m afraid to do so until I see a lawyer.
> 
> ...


*From all that I hear, Meetup is a safe and enjoyable venue for hobby seekers! There would be absolutely no harm in giving it a try!

Your philandering, walk-away husband is guilty of abandonment, an acceptable civil, as well as religious grounds, for divorce!

Get to a good piranha family attorney ASAP to get yourself the best property and most needed custodial advise! Have your lawyer file ASAP, in that you would become the petitioner in the divorce action, and would likely receive the domicile as well as child support and benefits!

Welcome to TAM! Hate to see you here but you’ve come to the best possible place for support and advice!*


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

wrong realm.
My mistake.


----------



## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

If you're active at all you could join a gym, yoga studio, hiking or running club and start doing the group activities they schedule. Meetup.com is a great site for it. I use meetup for hiking, I love to hike and if I'm going on a prolonged hike or bushwhack (off trail) I like to do it with a group for safety. The meetup group I use is Hudson Valley Hikers (largest on meetup), and they have events basically everyday, you just say you're going, meet up at the trailhead and hike with anywhere from 5-20 people typically. We usually grab a beer or two after the hikes done, and after a few hikes you start seeing the same people. It's the easiest way to meet people in similar circumstances with similar interests. Hiking, running, yoga, cardio, and meditation will do wonders for you. You have to get out of the environment you're in where it's just you, your anger & resentment, and children.


----------



## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Hello, Orange,
So sorry you are feeling so low during the Holidays and for all that has happened. Many of us have been there. Last year at this time my exwife (wife at the time) was in India for two weeks visiting her affair partner, eating, praying, and loving. So I know how you feel. But this too shall pass.

The truth is I would not trade all the tea in China to be in your husband's place. He has sold out that which should be most precious to him: his wife and children. His honor and dignity as well. You, on the other hand, are the rock your children need. You are giving them the love and nurturing they need, and there is great honor in that. 

When I was in your situation I got into a running routine. I ran 5 to 7 miles every other day. The endorphin rush after each run helped me through my depression. The aggression of my feet pounding the pavement was a constructive way for me to strike back at my wife's affair. On the days I didn't run, I would go for long walks and have music. That too helped me. You can join a gym and take classes. There are so many exercise options. Take care of your body. You will feel better and look better.

Going to church was also a tremendous source of spiritual comfort and support. I would not have endured the trial as well as I did without faith and worship.

Even though I live far from family and friends, I stayed in touch and visited whenever I could when I was in your situation. I could feel the support of them and coworkers as I pushed through the ordeal. Do your family and friends know what happened? It's important that you expose the affair to them as well to your husband's circle. Not to be spiteful but to ensure all know the truth so that he not able to spin the narrative and also to enlist the moral support that you need at this time.

I think meetup is a great option for you. It's good that you say dating is not on your mind. I would be careful not to get romantically involved with anyone until you are divorced and you have given yourself plenty of time to process your grief, heal, and let go of the baggage. Your children don't need another man in their life at this time, and you are setting a good example for them.

I would move forward with divorce if your husband won't end his affair. Educate yourself and hire an attorney. Don't let your husband manipulate you with fear over finances. Take charge of this. It will give you something constructive to do during this lonely time.

You are in the pit of despair right now. Rock bottom. When you are going through hell just keep going. Allow time to process grief and heal properly. Things will get better so long as you fight the good fight. You will come out of this a stronger, wiser, better person. And happiness will return. God bless!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OrangeCrayon said:


> I know life isn’t fair. I know that better than anyone. I work full-time, barely have time to breathe, and have two kids under seven - one of whom has fought cancer twice and the other with anxiety/depression because of the sibling’s illness. My hands are full.
> 
> My ex sees the kids about once a week. I know he’s with other women because of social media posts. I don’t follow him on social media anymore, but we have mutual friends that post stuff. I also see debits coming out of the checking account. Although we haven’t been living together since the spring, we haven’t yet separated the finances. I’m afraid to do so until I see a lawyer.
> 
> ...


Yes, meetup.com is safe. It's not a dating site. You can pick meetups to join that have a lot of people who participate. It's generally both men and women. But there are some that are more gender specific. For example, here where I live, there are meetups that are setup by women with young children. They are basically play dates where the kids all play together and the women/moms get a chance to meet other women and socialize. 

If there are times when your husband has the children, you could go out to meetups that are things like book clubs.. where you all read a book and discuss them. here there are also meetups for hiking, kayaking, gardening and just about any other activity you can think of. I started a meetup for walking. We meet at places near where I live and walk a few days a week.. like along the river, in the foothills, etc. Both men and women have joined my walking meetup.

Take a look at the site. See what is going on where you live.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My only advice is to really do some self reflection... write out what your goals are and tackle them one at a time. You don’t want to get overwhelmed by trying to do so many new things. Right now you need peace and balance. 
I made my husband my life and after separation realized I didn’t have a life of my own. So I am focusing on slowly and healthy rebuilding my life too. 

You can try meetup. Personally I always think joining a gym is better. Join a gym and make it a goal to go 3x a week and make it a priority to get a good workout in but talk to people. Social media is the worst thing you can be looking at right now.


----------



## OrangeCrayon (Jul 13, 2015)

Thank you all so much for the advice. I started jogging again after a very long time - and it feels so good! For the first time in months, I’ve been having periods of time when I feel normal and in control again. Hoping and praying those blocks of time last longer and longer


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

OrangeCrayon said:


> Thank you all so much for the advice. I started jogging again after a very long time - and it feels so good! For the first time in months, I’ve been having periods of time when I feel normal and in control again. Hoping and praying those blocks of time last longer and longer


Good to hear you’re jogging again. Please look after yourself. Keep it up and don’t beat yourself up if you have thise moments of loneliness. We keep going!


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

OrangeCrayon said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I’m about to start the divorce process. My STBX husband and I have been separated since May after 12 years of marriage, two kids, and two EAs (possible physical) on his end.
> 
> ...


It gets much better. i also was married for 12 years and my XW had an affair and then left with the affair partner. I also was angry that I was alone, very few friends, no hobbies, social life with my family in another country whilst she was bragging how happy she was and never had to deal with anything, i was extremely resentful, took the brunt of the financial hit, dealt with all the legal stuff alone etc. 

The mindset you need to be in is 'who cares about them' all your focus should be on you and your children, you need to work on you so you can be there for your children so it is not selfish to put yourself first, happy Mom = happy kids. Anger and loneliness are very strong emotions and do take time to overcome but you will get there, just keep moving forward, set goals and work towards them.

Importantly I do not know your financial situation but if you are with kids majority of the time then you need to file for Divorce and request temporary child support also seek legal advise as you may also be able to receive temporary spousal support depending on the difference between your earnings and finally if he abandoned the home he may still be liable to pay for it until the divorce is finalized. Do not make my mistake and play too nice, keep it as civil as possible but put your wants and needs above his.

Try and meet other Moms in the area from School, work, church or other local places in your community this is a time you need support around you and not a time to dwell alone.

I am a year from Rock Bottom and am the happiest I have been in as long as I can remember, you will get there also.

You need


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I agree with whoever said don't date right now. Why make your life more full of uncertainty and confusion?

Look for a local divorce support group. If you are a Christian, there is a program called DivorceCare that is good (but it is religion based). There are other divorce support groups around that are not religious.

I had the same feelings when my husband was dating when we were separated and I was raising 3 teenagers. Everyone said he was not happy, but I did not see it that way. It was horrible.

Your husband has not dealt with the separation or the divorce properly if he is dating. (Any woman who dates a separated man is a complete and utter fool in my estimation). You do what is right for you and forget about him and his idiocy. Elegirl is right. 180 that clown.


----------

