# Military Husband deployed (I need help)



## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

Well I have messed up kinda bad here. I'm new to this forum, But I know I needed a website with marriage insight to help me better understand myself and marriage.

I'm currently deployed to Afghanistan. I have been with my wife for 10 years now. Married for 2. I have a 9 year old daughter, with my wife that I love very deeply. This is my second deployment to Afghanistan. The last time I was here I got the opportunity to see my wife on web cam masturbating, showing me pics of her body, and must admit I got a little spoiled. At that time we were not married yet. But now this is my second deployment and my wife is prude. She has only show me anything but a couple of times. She actually told me one day to "go masturbate by myself cause I didn't need her for that" understandable, but that hurt a little bit. I must admit I'm a very sexual demanding partner, but always has been. 

Before I got deployed I was already sexually frustrated with our marriage. Don't get me wrong the sex is good. However, now its become typical and routine. I'm the only one who has brought toys and lingerie into the bedroom. I have told her time and time again my fantasies. Even gone over roll playing, she shows little to no interest when I talk about role playing and dress up. I have even asked her for her fantasy. Discussion have turn into arguments over the things I want, Anal being one of them. I have no limits sexually because she is my wife. She has a lot of boundaries. Sad, but boundaries that she has done with other men but haven't with me. Before deploying I gave up on anything I wanted to do sexually with my wife. 

Now deployed again I feel like thing were better with our sex life before we were married. Recently I got upset, and lied about getting other women on line to show me there bodies in a desperate attempt to get thing back the way they were on my last deployment. But it blew up in my face. She took her vaginal piercing out claiming to never have sex with me again. I told her it was a lie, and it made it worst now shes mad at me for playing games with her. I even told her why I did it, it just doesn't register with her. what do I do? Wait for it to blow over and just be content with our sex life for the rest of our lives? Or watch porn, and fantasize?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The women on this board will probably be able to give you more insight than I on your issue. But take it from a guy who also had it all before marriage and has a prude now. It doesn`t change. Hoping for it is futile. Pron is worse. Eventually you get bored of it and you crave the real thing. Then you`re ripe for an affair.

If there is any chance you can work this out before it gets worse I say take it. However she wants to communicate, do it.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

You should post in the sex in marriage forum.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Being emotionally manipulated in order to put out is one of the things that can trigger a woman to flee physically. It's possible that in prior relationships she was used for sex. This would make her reluctant to engage as she might not feel safe. Lying to her about your activities contributes to feeling unsafe. Also the possibility of being recorded or watched by others when Skyping is also an issue. (My EX-H - note the 'EX' assured me when he was deployed and I was engaging in Skype that he would not take still photos or record. He did. He is now an EX, I don't do deceit and that was a non-consenting sex act, along with others...) Anyway, she might be put off by that. 

It's sometimes typical for a woman to put out prior to marriage and then to shelve a higher-frequency sex life. Especially if she was used for sex, she turns it into a tool to get what she wants, which is security of a marriage. 

It sounds like the two of you are not on the same team these days. Try to find something that is not sex where you can be on the same team, and focus your discussions on that, and just do normal clothes-on Skype and spend time together building up trust.

You can get some resources on trust-building from Military One-Source on-line. She can also get individual therapy. For you, as you are deployed, this type of therapy is not available...but you can talk to a chaplain as you like, if you're not religious he or she is not going to preach to you but will keep it non-religious if you request that. Mostly he or she can listen and provide some emotional support to you. They understand about sexual frustration so don't be shy, but also be honest about your lie to your wife. Try to find some source of real power and strength in your relationship. I get it that you felt powerless in the situation so you felt that lying would be a good idea, about watching other women. But that kind of power is a cruel one. In your relationship you can find some other source of encouragement for your wife to get close to you. Maybe talking about some of the things you really do to combat sexual frustration, such as working out, thoughts of her, etc. Another thing that women really hate is for you to compare yourself to someone else...so saying to her she is lucky because you aren't cheating on her like other soldiers you know, that's not cool. My ex-H did that to me. It just comes across as a threat, like 'I could do this if I wanted to and get away with it.' So that causes panic and fear and will push someone away even more.

If you suggest individual counseling to her make sure not to frame it that you think she has a problem. Just say it is difficult to be away and you think she should take every opportunity she has to make things better for herself, and that IC might help her deal better when you do 'dumb things' like lie to her, that you now realize wasn't a great idea after all (and you are sorry and want her to do something that will help her handle the hurt you caused.)


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## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

Homemaker that was deep it really was. But you let her tell it I have the problem. I just cant help but feel like I was duked a lil bit in this marriage. If I asked her to do some of thing now she say she wouldn't do there is no doubt in my mind she wouldn't. And now even with me telling her before how I feel about our sex life its still a what ever attitude. But she might have been hurt before.


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## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

And I did post this under sex in marriage forum


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