# I don't get it!!



## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is it that people can talk to everyone BUT their spouse?

We are too scared, too chicken, too nervous, too angry, too-too-too....

The one person we promise ourselves to for LIFE. The one person we say we're going to be with forever.

And we can't talk to them.

We come on here  and talk.

We have EAs to talk.

We talk to random people at the bustop (or wherever).

WHY!? I don't get it.

My husband and I vowed to come to each other first, even if it sucks to bring something up. Why? Because we also could not talk. But, isn't that how it should be? It is now for us. 

It breaks my heart to see all these posts asking strangers what someone's spouse meant by x.y.z. I do not know what they meant! Why don't you ask THEM!?

*sigh* I don't get it.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> It breaks my heart to see all these posts asking strangers what someone's spouse meant by x.y.z. I do not know what they meant! Why don't you ask THEM!?
> 
> *sigh* I don't get it.


:iagree: :iagree:


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Talking often provokes arguments so its best not to


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

irreconcilable differences


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I talked. I probably talked too much.

When the other person is lying, conversations aren't real productive.

Sucks - after 15 years of honesty in your marriage - to see someone suddenly flip a switch to where lying becomes so normal and easy. 

AND as smart as she is - she was also a really BAD liar as well!!!


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Then why stay together? Why not just be done with it so you're not wasting time on a site like this? (I just come to hang out LOL Sadddd).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's a lot easier to talk to people who don't know you - you have nothing to prove and it doesn't matter if you come out smelling like a ****.

I agree, though. It shouldn't be that way.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

accept said:


> Talking often provokes arguments so its best not to



Often? If telling your spouse what you're feeling provokes an arguement most of the time, then why are the two of you together? Why get married and share a life with someone you can't have a conversation with without causing WW3?

You share body fluids regularly, have seen each other naked (and not always a good naked), are privy to one anothers bathroom habits, do each others laundry etc. but there's NO WAY you can ask them a question? That's crazy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

My guess is fear: fear of rejection, fear of not being heard, fear of being misunderstood, etc. Ever notice how in an office environment you get your fair share of gossipy people, back-stabbers, drama junkies? These people seem to think coming into the workplace gives them free rein to act up and act out! It's as if they bring all their crap from home and work it out, in their own dysfunctional way, with the office staff.

People come here for the same reason. They can't get a straight answer from their partner, or they doubt their own perceptions of what is going on in their relationship. Maybe they hope to get a fresh objective opinion. 

I honestly have no idea what a total stranger may be thinking, but I may be able to step back and pick up on something the OP doesn't see. Of course, it's only my opinion ...


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Often? If telling your spouse what you're feeling provokes an arguement most of the time, then why are the two of you together? Why get married and share a life with someone you can't have a conversation with without causing WW3?
> 
> You share body fluids regularly, have seen each other naked (and not always a good naked), are privy to one anothers bathroom habits, do each others laundry etc. but there's NO WAY you can ask them a question? That's crazy.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> My guess is fear: fear of rejection, fear of not being heard, fear of being misunderstood, etc.


So you live in hell instead??


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

People who are mired in fear often don't see it as "hell," even if it's a hell of their own making. I don't live in hell, I live alone with my two cats. Works for me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When I didn't want to talk to my hubby it was because I didn't really care what he thought and he didn't care what I thought either. Thankfully that's changed


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

OK Imagine you say youre feeling bad. The wife may jump to the wrong conclusion that she is to blame. That can start an argument. To say why dont you get out. There are many reasons the kids financial ones etc. So you stay together but are careful what you talk about. If it was so simple this site wouldnt exist.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Communication can be so difficult for so many reasons. I am just thankful that my wife and I have no problems in this area. We can be open and honest with each other, even if it is something that is really bothering us. Most of the time, nothing is bothering us about the other and we talk a lot! We don't like riding in separate cars if we are going to the same place because we can't talk to each other that way. We are best friends!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Darkhorse said:


> Then why stay together? Why not just be done with it so you're not wasting time on a site like this? (I just come to hang out LOL Sadddd).


We aren't staying together.

Sometimes I come here to read about other people's problems. Maybe I can help them. Maybe their situations will remind me that I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff.

Sometimes I come here for a simple distraction - to argue about penis v. vagina statues.

I also have a few friends that I PM here as well.

Its not always the happiest place on earth, but for some weird reason, I find comfort in the company here.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> We aren't staying together.
> 
> Sometimes I come here to read about other people's problems. Maybe I can help them. Maybe their situations will remind me that I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff.
> 
> ...


Yes, there were two parts to the OP. Why can't you talk and why do you come here? You answered the "why do you come here" well. I hope you can find some comfort, but I also hope you have some people "with skin on" that you can talk to also.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

I understand that communicating can be difficult. But it just makes no sense to me (and I'm guilty of it too) that I couldn't talk to my husband about things in my head/heart but could talk to others about it.

Just seems silly. It wasn't the marriage we wanted, so we're working on that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Even up to the day I took off my ring, my stbxw and I could talk about EVERYTHING, and except for some of her dark secrets (ie her affairs) DID talk about everything. She just didn't believe the words I spoke, said I broke my promises, didn't do the things I talked about and believed I would never change. And of course it turns out she was the one whom couldn't find the words to express what she needed help with to fulfill her needs (or maybe I just wasn't hearing - though I was "listening" so perhaps it was all just lost in translation?)

I come here to understand the things she said about me, and the things I think about myself, to find out how much truth there is in them and to learn how other people on this site have coped with similar problems in order to make postitive changes for myself.

One thing I am more certain of now then ever, talking is only a small part of communicating - more information is being broadcast when someone is silent than when their lips are moving.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I wish she was available to talk to. One thing was clear, she was not talking to me about her plans to tell me she wanted a Divorce, but was with her sister and others. I was shocked in learning.

Then when I was aware she was no longer engaged in the marriage, when I wanted to talk to her it pushed her away.

I agree. I would love to talk with her about everything, but at this stage it is limited to once a week at MC, and even then she is not looking at me as much the MC.

So sad!

One thing. I am grateful for this website to be able to talk to someone about this situation.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I do talk to my husband, about pretty much everything. But I also talk to the guy at the coffee shop and the people at work and people here. I think it's good to listen to other opinions, to hear other viewpoints, to talk to people who have life experiences and knowledge H and I don't.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> It breaks my heart to see all these posts asking strangers what someone's spouse meant by x.y.z. I do not know what they meant! Why don't you ask THEM!?
> 
> *sigh* I don't get it.


This begs the question as to why you're here. Okay, fine. You don't "get" it. Are we trying to seek an answer to a rhetorical question, or is it okay that we don't get it? 

Why do people hang out every detail of their daily lives on FB?

Why do people hang out on match.com advertising for the "soul mate"? 

And, by the way, although I don't reside in paradise, I'm definitely not residing in hell. Just an FYI for the OP. But thanks for asking ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

romantic_guy said:


> Yes, there were two parts to the OP. Why can't you talk and why do you come here? You answered the "why do you come here" well. I hope you can find some comfort, but I also hope you have some people "with skin on" that you can talk to also.


The "why can't we talk" part was answered earlier. She became "a liar" when she started her EAs. Made talking pointless - even counterproductive.

Early on, I talked to very few people with "skin"! Was so embarrassed - and also hoping things would work out, so I didn't want people to look poorly upon her.

At this point, I talk to a few more people with "skin." Even so, I've been (my eyes) the primary parent AND breadwinner for the last couple of years, so my social interactions are somewhat limited by kids and overtime. 

The custody split is supposed to be 50/50 going forward - when the divorce is final. If it truly becomes 50/50 - I'll have a bit more time to myself again.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Prodigal said:


> This begs the question as to why you're here. Okay, fine. You don't "get" it. Are we trying to seek an answer to a rhetorical question, or is it okay that we don't get it?
> 
> Why do people hang out every detail of their daily lives on FB?
> 
> ...


I asked this same question to one of the other "happier" poster's before - "why are you here if everything is OK?" The poster seemed to enjoy the company. 

There are a lot of good, open-minded people here who may be represented in my head by tiny avatars - but in real life I imagine all of you to be covered head to toe in skin! Just like us "real" folks!


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I came here at first to try to hold on to my sanity while trying to save my marriage. Communication is hard for my husband and myself. I love him, but truthfully we never could communicate that well.

Between MC and Tam we are slowly making progress.

I don't just post problems. I also get ideas for various things. I like reading about different opinions and lifestyles. TAM helps me to see how different perspectives can be. Also maybe I can help someone.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> This begs the question as to why you're here. Okay, fine. You don't "get" it. Are we trying to seek an answer to a rhetorical question, or is it okay that we don't get it?
> 
> Why do people hang out every detail of their daily lives on FB?
> 
> ...


I already said I suffered from the same thing i don't understand.

Gawd. 

And this wasn't aimed at you personally. But glad you're not in hell. Others on this site, however, say they can't talk to their mate and their lives sound just awful. Again, not aimed at you.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

And I think there's a difference between getting opinions on things/getting other view points, etc than asking people what their mate is thinking  No? I digress.

Furthermore, sometimes it's good to talk about things that you're talking about with your mate (to get another perspective), that you've already talked to your mate about (and need another perspective) or are going to talk to your mate...

I just observed many people here who don't talk to their mates at all and want other to give them answers to their situation.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I asked this same question to one of the other "happier" poster's before - "why are you here if everything is OK?" The poster seemed to enjoy the company.
> 
> There are a lot of good, open-minded people here who may be represented in my head by tiny avatars - but in real life I imagine all of you to be covered head to toe in skin! Just like us "real" folks!


I don't have skin.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Darkhorse said:


> I don't have skin.


Creepy...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Darkhorse said:


> I understand that communicating can be difficult. But it just makes no sense to me (and I'm guilty of it too) that I couldn't talk to my husband about things in my head/heart but could talk to others about it.
> 
> Just seems silly. It wasn't the marriage we wanted, so we're working on that.


How so?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Darkhorse said:


> Why is it that people can talk to everyone BUT their spouse?
> 
> We are too scared, too chicken, too nervous, too angry, too-too-too....
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
That's what I always ask my h. It seems so much easier for him to talk to friends than to me. I say why can't you treat me as you would a friend....You don't ask your friends for space and privacy...you don't mind sharing on FB, but feel uncomfortable sharing with me. I do have to give him credit that has started to feel more comfortable talking and sharing with me ( not quite all the way there yet...but a good start).

I too agree about the postings. My h and I are both on TAM so whatever is posted we either talk about it or have at least brought the concern to the table. By posting on TAM we have been able to express our opinions and get the thoughts of other people as well as each other. Moreover, by responding to other members' posts we can get a fuller picture of each other's view point.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

This is easy. Some spouses don't talk to each other because they're afraid that once their spouse knows the truth about their feelings they will be rejected for who they actually are. Some are embarrassed to admit their true feelings because they fear they don't measure up to their spouses expectations. Some don't talk to each other because they're already aware of a core relationship problem and don't want to still it up for stability reasons.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> This is easy. Some spouses don't talk to each other because they're afraid that once their spouse knows the truth about their feelings they will be rejected for who they actually are. Some are embarrassed to admit their true feelings because they fear they don't measure up to their spouses expectations. Some don't talk to each other because they're already aware of a core relationship problem and don't want to still it up for stability reasons.


That is just so sad to me. Like we married strangers.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> That is just so sad to me. Like we married strangers.


I use to think so too but now I'm more accepting of peoples insecurities because I looked in the mirror really hard. Everyone's insecurities manifest in different ways and it turns out that I was no different. My wife has a hard time admitting stuff to me because she's afraid I'll be disappointed by her. It took about 3 years but I think I finally convinced her to share all her crap so we could properly hash things out. Its been a long haul and hopefully worth it.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It's interesting to read other people's perspectives on these issues. 

So it goes.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I'mAllIn said:


> I do talk to my husband, about pretty much everything. But I also talk to the guy at the coffee shop and the people at work and people here. I think it's good to listen to other opinions, to hear other viewpoints, to talk to people who have life experiences and knowledge H and I don't.


This is why I come here. I talk to a few people in real life too, but it's nice to get ideas/opinions/viewpoints from more than my closest friends. This site is a melting pot of people from everywhere in the world, from all different lifestyles, from all different upbringings, from all different experiences. I can talk to my husband, but sometimes I do not understand where he is coming from. When I come here and ask a question, a guy can give me some insight about him because he's a guy too. Or another girl can give me some insight because perhaps she is or has been married to guy like that. 

Or like in the family section, that's where I began to understand my mom, no one in my family would tell me "why" she treats me the way she does, they won't be honest with me, but many women here can relate to the way my mom is and they are not shy about suggesting what it is I need to do. You think my brother will tell me I need to back away from her? Heck no, he won't suggest my mom is bad for me, he's golden in her eyes, so he doesn't want to ruin his chance at being written out of her will by telling me she's nuts


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Fear of Being Judged (critical spouses)

Fear of Conflict / Fighting (the silent sufferers)

Fear of never living the issue down -being brought up again in future arguments (some never forget an unkind word )

Fear of Vulnerability (showing weakness's, insecurities)

Fear of the Dog house (some spouses would rather not listen & shut you out in the cold)

Fear the sex will dry up for a month (men don't want that one!)

Fear We will come off as SELFISH Bas****s or Nagging women

Fear of Hurting our spouse & being insensitive for our own needs 



Yes it is a shame. I have a man who I can say , admit, talk, share anything darn thing under the Living sun with at any time of the day or night, he is a careful listener, he will hear me out -withholding judgement, always with a heart of understanding .... and I do the same for him.

It takes 2 .


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