# Is anyone here gifted at getting teens to open up?



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm the mom. Our kids are going through a terrible time right now with the 2nd break-up of their parents, and their 3rd break-up of a parental relationship overall. My 14 year old daughter is really hurting. She'll open up to me and share about her concerns about her girlfriends (i.e. one is cutting, etc.), but when I try to get her to open up about her own feelings, I do not usually succeed. She's kindof a pleaser and doesn't want to rock the boat. Holds it all in and does not get angry, except sometimes at her dogs if they don't listen.

Usually all I can come up with is, "is there anything else you want to talk about?" and she will shrug, as if she'd be open to a follow-up question, but I'm just not good at it and don't know what to say. I usually tell her that I'll be around if she decides she has anything to talk about. But, I'm failing her by not being better at drawing her out. (She is in counseling, by the way.)

She wrote a heartbreaking poem last night/this morning about everything, and it ended with, "Where did my Father go?" It broke my heart to read how much she's hurting. (It was a school assignment and she doesn't know I read it.) To clarify, her father didn't GO anywhere physically. He's just a completely different person than he was just a year ago. (DX with ADHD last fall, and so was she, and I noticed he also just started taking Lexapro) 

So, for those of you who are better at this than I am, can you suggest some very direct questions I could ask her that she might be willing to open up about?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Does she know you read the poem?

Assuming she does, I'd probably start by asking her "where do you think his head is now?" Or ask her is she understands why he's behaving this way. Tell her you'd appreciate her input because she seems him from a different perspective.
Good luck, teens are extremely hard.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

No, she does not know she read it. She also doesn't know I read her essay about how her younger brother is her hero. I feel a bit guilty about that, but it really does give me more insight into her than she is willing to express. She's VERY shy and timid and reserved.

ETA: That's good advice about those questions, though, so thanks!


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Broken relationships are damaging to children of any age. This is the third breakup they've been through, it's going to be tough for them to have any faith at all in relationships. They have learned that people cannot stay together. There is no positive role modeling here.

I can only hope my boys find a way to figure it out. This is their second one as well.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Sammiee said:


> Broken relationships are damaging to children of any age. This is the third breakup they've been through, it's going to be tough for them to have any faith at all in relationships. They have learned that people cannot stay together. There is no positive role modeling here.


You're entirely correct in that assessment .


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Would she be willing to speak with a therapist or counselor? When I went through my D, the therapist had a support group for teens. That way she can get some support without thinking that her privacy is being violated. No judgement from me, you have to do what you have to do to protect her, but teens are secretive creatures and she might take offense.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Since she seems to express herself well through the written word and doesn't typically like to open up when talking, can you write to each other? Have a conversation with her about using a notebook together, that is completely private and anything written in there, stays in there(no one else knows anything but the 2 of you). It can be a way to communicate better with her in a way she feels more comfortable(less confrontational).


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Would she be willing to speak with a therapist or counselor? When I went through my D, the therapist had a support group for teens. That way she can get some support without thinking that her privacy is being violated. No judgement from me, you have to do what you have to do to protect her, but teens are secretive creatures and she might take offense.


Yes, she is in counseling. In her last session, I was invited in for the last 15 minutes. I was not quite prepared for that, but I will be next time!  (Although counselor said she kinda wants dad in on the next one since dad blames all of his issues on ADHD and now daughter is afraid of being unsuccessful in life, too because of her dx)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> Since she seems to express herself well through the written word and doesn't typically like to open up when talking, can you write to each other? Have a conversation with her about using a notebook together, that is completely private and anything written in there, stays in there(no one else knows anything but the 2 of you). It can be a way to communicate better with her in a way she feels more comfortable(less confrontational).


I tried that maybe a year ago and she was not receptive. I could try it again, though. Thanks for the suggestion.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'll tell you what I do, Just get in the truck and start driving. If it's just me and him I get answers. If anyone else is in the vehicle, it's in with the head phones. Truck only has 2 seats.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I tried that maybe a year ago and she was not receptive. I could try it again, though. Thanks for the suggestion.


Maybe you can start with the writing. Start off by opening up about yourself and showing something vulnerable about you, so she doesn't feel like it's all on her for writing about what is going on. It can help take the pressure off and help her trust you, since you would then be just as involved in that notebook.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I've been through a lot with my kids. I think a big part of what helps them talk to me is that I talk to them. 

I'll say something like, I feel really ambivalent about him. It's like I want to hang onto the good stuff but I'm not sure what to do with the bad stuff. I'll bring up some examples of good things and then something bad but explain that I'm trying to understand that bad behavior. Usually I'll ask a few questions in between. They start to participate in the conversation. 

The more I talk and give them examples of how to express feelings. The more feedback I get from them. They are learning to articulate how they feel by me telling them how I feel. Even when we don't know how we feel. 

They also have years of being open with no consequences. They know they can come to me with anything and have no fear of consequences about what they tell me. I know that helps them to be very open, even with the stuff I would rather not know


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> Maybe you can start with the writing. Start off by opening up about yourself and showing something vulnerable about you, so she doesn't feel like it's all on her for writing about what is going on. It can help take the pressure off and help her trust you, since you would then be just as involved in that notebook.


SUCH a great idea, and something I was just chatting with my twin sis about....our own disappointment in our own dad (as a husband) even though we loved him so much as a dad. Didn't think to start the journal with it though. Thank you. I will try this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I did with my DD24 was go on walks. From the time she was about 12, we started going on walks. Alone, or with dogs. After school. Some times we wouldn't say a word. Often she'd talk about her friends and school problems and I'd just listen. Sometimes if she'd bring up a particular problem, I'd then bring up a similar problem that I'd had when I was a kid. And I'd explain how it got resolved back then. That way I wasn't telling her what to do, but I was showing her that it was solvable, and then leave it to her to decide whether to follow the 'advice' (that she didn't know she was getting).

But mostly, it was the going on walks that helped her open up to me. Cos, you know, you're on an hour-long walk, what else are ya gonna do but talk? And the more she talked, the more comfortable she got talking to me.

There's one other big thing I did - according to her. When she was that age, I told her that I might not like what she does sometimes, but I would always love her, and - most important - I would never judge her. She later told me she was skeptical, she expected me to judge her, she even tested me a few times, but through it all, I never judged her - I only suggested ways to fix situations and then let her choose what to do. She later told me that me telling her I'd never judge her was HUGE for her, probably because her dad judges her all.the.time.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

SecondTime'Round
Here's what I recommend,

since she like writing... and she's a teen, most likely online often ... writing on FB, Texts whatever...

I would engage her through that medium. She is comfortable there.
Its not a face to face engagement. Much safer for her.

I'd send her an email, or text, expressing your feelings of hurt from the whole situation. Make it as heartfelt and vulnerable as you can be.

Your 14 yo daughter knows everything that has been going on, of that i can assure you and she is in tremendous pain. And probably taking on some of the blame... after all she is the one constant in this storm that is her life.

Open up your feelings and hurt and terror at it all and let her know she is not alone if she feels the same way. Dont pressure her to write back. Just let her know how hard it has been on you and tell her how much you love her and care about her. 

Then sit back and see what happens.

I spent several years communicating with my eldest when chat first became available. he downstairs in his room, me upstairs in mine. We developed a very close "friendship" based on mutual respect not clouded by face to face, "i'm your dad" crap.
We ended up watching the same tv shows while chatting and having wonderful exchanges of thoughts and feelings...

Today, 20 years later, we still communicate via tex, email and chat on a regular basis and are extremely close. All 3 of my kids are like this with me and my wife. Its a very positive thing about modern communications.

I'd also suggest to get your own crap together and stop putting your kids though this nonsense. If you marry, marry for good.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

+1 for walks

+1 for drives

+1 for not judging

I also like hikes and tennis for the same purpose. One on one magic always happens 

Not a fan of writing like others are because it there is nothing warm or intimate and there is no back and forth and it does little to strengthen the relationship. 

If she is shy then she needs to develop a comfort level talking and expressing herself vocally any way. 

Also not a fan of trying something that didn't work before

My tips are to be OK with not talking at all on your walks and drives and hikes, not pushing at all, not appearing over eager at all, doing more listening and less talking and being able to enjoy and CHERISH light hearted subjects and leave the heavy stuff to come out naturally. 

She has to trust you with her disclosures. IF she thinks you are anxious, she wont


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> No, she does not know she read it. She also doesn't know I read her essay about how her younger brother is her hero. I feel a bit guilty about that, but it really does give me more insight into her than she is willing to express. She's VERY shy and timid and reserved.
> 
> ETA: That's good advice about those questions, though, so thanks!


My step daughter had a lot of problems when she was that age. We had her in counseling. I was the main parent for my step daughter after she was 10 years old. So we has a bit different SD/SM relationship. My h (her father) and I also were in counseling at the same place. Sometimes we all 3 were in counseling sessions together.

I used to read things I found in her room. She wrote tons of poems, had a journal. I felt guilty and so I talked to the counselor about it. The counselor told me to not worry about reading them. That based on some stuff with my SD, the counselor felt that it was a way that my SD was able to tell me what was going on. She could not voice it to me or anyone else.

I found out things from reading her stuff that probably save her life.

Over time I was able to get her to open up. What I did was to just talk with her a lot about just about anything and everything. When her friends were over I'd make sure that I talked with them.

I had found a really good conversation starter book. So we'd play a game we called '1000 questions'. A person would pick a question from the book and ask it. Everyone in the group had to answer it. Then the book was passed to right and other question was asked that everyone had to answer. It would get so funny that we'd be ROTFLAO. The questions were great like "What's the most embarrassing thing that you ever did." 

Just talking built a habit of us talking.. in the long run that helped.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> SUCH a great idea, and something I was just chatting with my twin sis about....our own disappointment in our own dad (as a husband) even though we loved him so much as a dad. Didn't think to start the journal with it though. Thank you. I will try this.


That would be a great way to start things off. 

Hope it helps to start a path for better communication. After she feels safer/more comfortable, you can move on to more verbal communication. Then I think the long walks, going for a drive, etc are all great ways to do that. I think it's best to meet her "where she is at" for the time being though, being more shy/reserved. 

Just make sure that no matter what, the info in that notebook stays between the 2 of you. My mom used to tell my secrets to her sisters and a few friends, so she completely lost my trust. I still don't completely open up to her even now as an adult because I know she won't keep what I say private. I've "tested" her a few times and she still doesn't keep things private.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I've found that asking a teen to come to you is pissing in the wind.

You're her mother, you know when something is on her mind.

"Honey, I know what's been happening is hurting you, I can see how you're withdrawn, how you don't smile as much, I can tell when you've been crying."

And then youre silent for 2 minutes no more.

Then you take her hand and very gently ask direct questions.

"How often do you cry by yourself?"
"Have you ever wished to have someone to hold and hug you while you cry? Cause I'd like to volunteer for that."

"You don't smile as much and I know you're hurting. Do you spend much time thinking about the past when things were easy and good? Do you spend much time worrying about the future and feeling lost alone?"

The thing is, some kids just don't have the words, other kids don't know how to get started, other kids are filtering because they are angry at the parent reaching out but they know they're anger is misplaced. Giving her the words and promoting her with what you have observed, while being gently open and nonjudgmental can go a long way in showing her HOW to reach out.

I know some kids are intensely private, but other kids are just stuck and don't know how to reach out. If you think your daughter is of the second category, I would suggest you let her know that you have read her writing assignments and let her know how poignant, beautiful and how touched you were by them. If she wrote them knowing her teacher would grade them, she knew they wouldn't be private. I suspect deep inside, she wanted you to read them and to know her thoughts and feelings.

When she talks, listen. Do no interrupt. If she rages, let her. If she blames, allow it. Once the conversation is over you can calmly remind her that you love her and sometimes adults have to make hard decisions or deal with lousy circumstances. You're not perfect but your trying.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

DoneWithHurting said:


> SecondTime'Round
> Here's what I recommend,
> 
> since she like writing... and she's a teen, most likely online often ... writing on FB, Texts whatever...
> ...


Her dad is actually the one who needs to get his crap together . He's the common denominator here. I was wife A, then there was wife B, then wife A again, and now wife B again. It's ridiculous. The only positive here is that Wife B and I are finally communicating. 

I'm willing to try this, especially with the heartfelt email, but I am skeptical it will work. She'd be very open to reading whatever I have to say, but I doubt I'll get much of a response. She'll forget about it 30 seconds after reading it due to her ADD . But, I could do a combo of some of these great suggestions. Send her an email, then employ some of these techniques a day or two later. 

Everyone has given me really great advice. I'm going through all of these posts right now and making notes about how to talk to both her and my son (age 12). I'm also going to talk to my counselor next week and write down her suggestions. 

I was a business major in college, not child development, so while I'm a very nurturing and affectionate mother, it's just not intuitive for me to know exactly what questions to ask to get them talking. It makes it particularly challenging that my daughter is so introverted. I am, as well, but she is even more so. 

Thanks, everyone .


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

another shot said:


> +1 for walks
> 
> +1 for drives
> 
> ...


Very important point, here. You have no idea how THRILLED I as when she finally said OK to counseling after 2 or 3 years of encouraging it! 

Your last point that got cut off is spot on, as well. She and I have both been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and she's seen quite a bit of my anxiety over the last few years and tries to protect me from negative feelings. I have to get back to a place where she feels completely safe to share her negative stuff with me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> I've found that asking a teen to come to you is pissing in the wind.
> 
> You're her mother, you know when something is on her mind.
> 
> ...


Gosh, I wish she'd rage! She needs to get it out. The only time anger is EVER displayed is if her dogs are not behaving. Then she's super strict and authoritarian with them. (To her credit, they obey her every command and not mine....). It's just not her nature. She's never even been bossy with her little brother, ever. 

Your post made me cry as I was writing down all of your suggested conversation starters, and I'll be using them for her and my son. I can't thank you enough.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I can. But I have been upfront and open with my daughters since they were born. And they trust me.

So it was a great revelation that my younger one finally relented and started dating - in her 2nd year of college. She called and was very open about the whole thing, I was very pleased with her telling me unprompted. She goes to school many hours away. 

My older girl and I are very close but the younger is a bit too independent and cool but as her turn for sage advise came she took it.

(Double major Comp Sci / Econ? W t f?  )


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Lots of good ideas. Walks are good, drives are good. Also I liked watching movies about similar stuff and starting a conversation that way. Opening up myself has been good - I've been able to say what I had expected out of my marriage and where it went wrong, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I just remembered one of my most valuable assets when I was raising DD24. They used to have newsletters they actually mailed out in the mail, but they don't do that any more. But the information is on the website now, I believe. DD and I would sit down every month and read through the newsletter, which was filled with all kinds of articles and stories about people experiencing the same things she was going through. It was an excellent way to say things like 'so is that going on in your school? What are you doing about it?' and getting lots of great conversations going, and me able to give lots of advice about what I would have done or what I did when I was her age, which she loved. It was started by a guy who had divorced, and wanted a way to stay connected to his daughter. Just awesome stuff. I looked and it says you can still get a magazine mailed to you, so I'd recommend that (for the novelty of getting something in the mail, if for nothing else).

Daughters.com - Girls, parents and allies raising strong girls in a world that is still sexist.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm not an expert, but I have a great relationship with my 16 year old daughter; I've been divorced 4 1/2 years. 

My daughter tells me everything, some things I'm not sure I want to know. For me, it's about having a relaxed relationship. My daughter loves to blab about her day, school, grades, and so forth, so I let her, and i always act interested and jump in the conversation myself. 

During these conversations, I take opportunities to jump in with things that i feel may need to be discussed with a light mood. In other words, I don't ask her to come into the living room in a weird toned voice and tell her we need to talk; I just try to get it naturally, and it works for us.

I try not to crowd her. So far, she has been a great girl as far as behavior, school, etc., so I respect that and try not to make her feel like my thumb is mashing her down.

I try not to get excited if she says something a little weird. If she's angry at her mom and says she is sick of her, I don't go cut a switch, so to speak, I just hear her out. She even told me once that there was a big difference in her mom and me as far as handling things. She said her mom never lets anything go; she will go on about something forever, whereas i just let it go after the initial. 

She also says she feels comfortable telling me anything because she knows i won't freak out. As far as i know, she and her mother talk very little.

To be honest, it's as much my daughter as it is me; she's just an outgoing girl who likes to talk to me about stuff. 

That may not help, but that's how it is with us.


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## LostTeen (May 3, 2015)

I'm about the same age as your daughter. I've never been through a divorce, but I've had some big issues with bullies. When all that was happening my sister was first diagnosed with mental illness. I was young and my parents were really focused on my sister. I started writing poetry to vent and it really helped.

If your daughter is writing, encourage it! Give her a nice journal and say "I picked up a piece of poetry you wrote a little while ago. It was great. I wanted to give you this, so you can keep writing. If you don't want to share, that's okay. I'll be there if you do."

To this day, I've never shown my parents most of what I've written, but it helped so much. Give your daughter privacy with this. Don't read it. Doing this shows that you trust her. When she's ready, she'll come to you. When she does, but down what you're doing and listen. Don't brush it off. the worst feeling in the world is when someone doesn't have time or worse, doesn't care enough to make time.


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