# How do i learn to trust again?



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My story is posted in the general relationship forum but very breifly, we have been married for 18 years in October, and my husband has recently (Dday 4 months ago) been involved in an EA with a co worker via txting. We are trying to rebuild our marriage.

So after saying for 3 months that he doesnt know how he feels/doesnt know what he wants, the fog has lifted. He now says he is committed to our marriage and that he loves me and is so sorry for hurting me and i believe him, 99.9%!!

I know this man, thats why i found out about the EA, i knew he was struggling with something, he was like a different person, now it it like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he is like the husband i have known and loved for all theses years.
BUT i am still hurting. and there are days when i feel like i can not be this happy, jolly person that i should be. I just want to sit and think and cry. I feel so hurt by what he has done. Will that ever go away? Does it ease in time? Will he do it again? I am grieved for the life we had, bit i am hoping something good can come out of this and that it will bring us closer together, we were drifting and living seperate lives and we forgot about us, but we are working on it.

he works with her and my stomach ties in knots every morning as he goes out the door. He says he doesnt speak to her and there has been NC (via txting) since June. Im struggling though!
I sleep away from home 3 nights a week because of my job and this is difficult. I am looking for another job. He is doing everything he can to reasure me and i dont want to keep brining it up, i want us to move forward but my imagination runs wild with me! I know i need to stay focused and be positive but somedays it just all feels like too much effort


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> My story is posted in the general relationship forum but very breifly, we have been married for 18 years in October, and my husband has recently (Dday 4 months ago) been involved in an EA with a co worker via txting. We are trying to rebuild our marriage.
> 
> So after saying for 3 months that he doesnt know how he feels/doesnt know what he wants, the fog has lifted. He now says he is committed to our marriage and that he loves me and is so sorry for hurting me and i believe him, 99.9%!!
> 
> ...


Hello Daisy, so sorry to hear your situation. I am happy that you seem to be moving in the right direction.

If you have read through a few of the posts here, cried along with the authors and laughed with them, you might notice a common theme, and a mention of "scripts".

Both you (Betrayed Spouse - BS) and your husband (Wayward Spouse WS or WH) will more or less follow a set pattern of behavior. This is normal!

You can read about the Wayward's script here (TAM link).

Your script follows along these lines (borrowed from here (TAM link)):



lordmayhem said:


> *The Betrayed Spouse (BS) Script*​
> We know that the Wayward Spouse (WS) generally follows the general script of affairs, with little differences according to the situation. But what about the Betrayed Spouse (BS)? We also need to realize that the BS also usually reacts and follows a certain script. The four stages of grieving also applies to what the BS goes through when infidelity occurs because the BS is grieving the loss of the old marriage. I’ve based this on my own experience as well as reading literally thousands of real life stories on this site and other infidelity survival sites.
> 
> *DDay* – Otherwise known as Discovery Day. This is the initial period when the BS actually learns of the affair, either through investigation, being informed of the A, or if the WS confesses to the A. The initial pain that occurs on DDay can be indescribable.
> ...


It is up to you and your spouse how long each step takes. It sounds as if you have moved past initial and anger and are fluctuating between depression and acceptance stages. Welcome to my stage. 

I think the key to making it out of these stages with the least amount of pain and suffering is going to have to come from you sharing your feelings with your husband whenever they come up and for him to be accepting of those feelings and to offer his unconditional support to help you through them.

They do become less and less. No you will never forget. But that isn't your goal here. It is to reach acceptance. It is to forgive or realize that you can not do so and move on.

Best of luck to you Daisy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The main thing you need is time. You've only been in recovery for a month. That's not long enough. Your husband could still backslide, or he could have moved the affair underground.

What you can do is enforce your transparency. Check his phone as often as you feel like it. Check his Facebook/email accounts too. Install keylogger software (without telling him) to verify that he didn't set up a new account that you don't know about.

For every day/week/month that your husband treats you well and doesn't contact the OW, you'll feel just a little bit better about your marriage.

He'll always be the guy who betrayed you. You may have some trigger that reminds you of that fact in 10 or 20 years. But, at that time, instead of doubt and hurt dominating your thoughts, it will be rare that you think of your husband's affair.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

daiseygirl,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Be advised, you are on a long and difficult road...take heed to what advice people on this forum give...they are well informed and "have been there."


Keep in mind that you are in the very early stages of the post-affair recovery process. Don't put to much pressure on yourself and don't expect things to be "normal" for quite some time. This is OK, nothing to be alarmed about it's just the truth of the situation.

To your questions:

*1. How do I learn to trust again?*

Trust is nothing that you have to learn again, you know how to trust and what trust looks like already. It the capacity of your spouse to earn back your trust that is the issue.  Your job in this is to "trust but verify" everything, until such time has passed that you feel that he has earned it back. How long? It's your call...for me it was a little over a year until I wasn't verifying everything anymore.

You have a "_monkey wrench_" that I would not know how to handle, since your spouse is still working with the OW. Is it possible to come to terms with this and move forward? Sure, anything is possible..so I can't discount it. Maybe someone on this forum can show how this might work.

For ME....the fact that your spouse still works with the OW is a big "no-go." This flies in the face of the entire idea of "no-contact"...I wouldn't even want them in the same building together.


*2. I feel so hurt by what he has done. Will that ever go away? Does it ease in time? 
*
Yes. With time, lots of time.

*3. Will he do it again?*

Well that's the million dollar question, isn't it. Truth is you never know. Yet, if you two recover fully, recommit yourselves completely to the marriage and participate fully in the marriage together...then I see no reason to think it would happen again.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thankyou all for your support. I have been having a difficult couple of days and have read your posts over and over and they have really helped me see that what i am going through is not exclusive to me, and the fact that there ARE diiferent stages to this that i should expct to go through has helped me to understand that Im not going crazy, or backwards in my recovery. 

Hijo - Yes i am going through and have gone through the stages you have explained and to realise that this is natural is comforting.

The mind movies - Steven Spielburgh has got nothing on me. My imagination runs riots with me. Not so much about the A but what they are "up to" in school. I spoke to him about this yesterday. told him i am really struggling, to put himself in my shoes. He says he understands. She is in school 3 days a week, he told me what days. He said he only speaks to her when he has to and most of the time he stays in his room and gets on with his work. He said he has had no converstaion at all with her since the end of the EA and he doesnt know whats going on with her now. He doesnt care.

Triggers - I hate the sight of his mobile phone. I want to pick it up and throw it through the window! how crazy! But its everything it signifies. We spoke about it on Friday. He told me to go online and get him a new phone. For me to sort it out. Doesnt care what phone or what network.

He has a small gym set up in his shed. Every time he goes down there to work out it kills me as this is when he did most of his txting to her when the A was going on. He used to be down there for for well over an hour some nights, and it was obsesive, if he didnt go and do his workout he would become very agitated. Now hes there for about 3/4 hr and can take it or leave it but it still hits a nerve with me.

The emotional rollercoaster!! - Well we had a wonderful day yesterday. Went for a challenging 10k walk together. Real "team building" stuff. This morning ive got up and i just want to cry. Ive been fighting tooth and nail to save our marriage over the last 4 months and now that we are on the road to recovery i am questioning what i want and if i do want to be with him afterall. This confuses me more than anything. After the total devistation i felt when i discovered the A and the fight i put up to keep him i dont know why i am feeling like this!

Somedays i just wonder if its all worth it. But i know its early days and i have to be patient and give us both time to heal from this.

Thanks again. Your posts really have given me strength x x


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Daisy--I am sorry you find yourself going through this. It would be immensely helpful if he quit working at his job. Because heh sees her every day and I can't imagine that helps your healing and him earning your trust back.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Daisy--I am sorry you find yourself going through this. It would be immensely helpful if he quit working at his job. Because heh sees her every day and I can't imagine that helps your healing and him earning your trust back.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:


Of course in an ideal world you are right. But the chances of him getting a permanent teaching job elsewhere at the moment is almost impossible. He can't just leave his job! We have 3 kids and a mortgage to pay for! He has said that he wishes he could leave but it's not gonna happen in the near future. If a position elsewhere comes up then he said he will apply for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Of course in an ideal world you are right. But the chances of him getting a permanent teaching job elsewhere at the moment is almost impossible. He can't just leave his job! We have 3 kids and a mortgage to pay for! He has said that he wishes he could leave but it's not gonna happen in the near future. If a position elsewhere comes up then he said he will apply for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keep working at it Daisy, I believe you have the strength to do this!

You really sound like you are committed to making the R work.

You will have your ups and downs. That's normal too. Key is to work it out with your husband providing support. LET HIM KNOW YOU REALLY APPRECIATE his helping you.

Trust and Verify are your mantra words. Fully investigate any slip ups you find to ensure that they aren't actually innocent (this was my problem, but there was a different language involved, so it is a lot easier to misunderstand nuances). Don't give away your sources.

Make an effort to decrease the "checking up" on him as you can, but only as much as you are comfortable doing so.

When the urge comes to you to "ZOMG HE'S CHEATING!!!!" give yourself 10 full minutes of introspective thought and inner dialog with yourself to ask "why" you feel this. Logic and reasoning and your husband's transparency (offered by him) and love and understanding as you work through your triggers will work. I know it will!

RE: his phone. Make a production out of it. Get him one with a few bells and whistles. Make sure it's Android if you can, it is easier to set up monitoring on those than an iPhone. Don't back down on knowing all the pwds/etc on it. When it arrives, find an elaborate way to deal with the old one. I suggest a sledgehammer.

RE: his workouts. Buy him an apple nano or other non-internet mp3 player with an arm holder. Viola! No need for a phone. Might inquire if he would like a workout partner too...

Chin up girl. You can do this!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HiJo 
I also think we can get through this. We have been through so much in our 17 years together that i am not going to give up any time soon. At the end of the day i know i love him and he is, apart from this "blip" a good husband and father. He has alsways put us first. I think we just lost our way somehow and we drifted apart. 

We are spending all weekend together and making plans for the future. I usually work away from home 3 nights during the week but am only working tonight. We have made plans to do something together every evening this week (his suggestions) so this does show me that he wants to spend time with me.

There are moments i feel very insecure, but as you have said im trying not to over analyze everything and think before i speak.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> There are moments i feel very insecure, but as you have said im trying not to over analyze everything and think before i speak.


Sounds like a contradiction doesn't it? It isn't.

For those times you are away from home; do you suspect that your WH might believe you are straying during those times (thus justifying in his mind his own actions?). From what you have posted, I see no red flags that you are doing anything of the sort, but perhaps a LIGHT discussion is in order to allay any fears he might have going on.

Be careful not to over-affectionize the relationship. Only provide enough intimacy and clingyness that he can handle. Watch his body language. If he shows signs of turning/pulling away, back off a little bit and don't take it personally. This was my big issue too. I realized that it took time for us to grow apart, and it is going to take at least some time for us to grow back together. It is not going to go back to the "screwing like rabbits and inseparable" state in a snap of the fingers! (as much as I wanted that to be, /sigh).

My wife and I are fully committed to the reconciliation, and you can actually see it in her demeanor towards me, and she has started to show signs of affection towards me! I am ecstatic!

I wholly believe (I sound like a broken record!) that you and your husband will get there too.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hijo
Your posts really are a godsend to me at the moment and i thankyou. I read over them every morning to give me strength and belief that my marriage is going to survive this.

I understand what you are getting at with my work situation. But I am not out of town. I work in a special unit for children with behvaiour difficulties and sleep in my little room in school, so no chance of me cheating there! Lol. 

I understand what you are saying about being over affectionate. The first couple of months after finding out about his EA i became extremely clingy to him, i just wanted some physical contact with him and saw every sign of him not being near to me as rejection. This is easing and i have made a mental note to myself not to be so clingy. You would have thought i wouldnt have wanted him near me in the early days but i was the complete opposite. I still clung to him even when i was telling him i hated him and wanted him to leave. Thought i was turning into a crazy woman. But i know now, thanks to this forum, that these feelings were natural.


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## DMB324 (Sep 19, 2011)

Hi Daisy,

I am going through the exact same thing. I knew something was going on withmy husband because he would be different when he came home from work. He works with this woman that he slept with before we were together. and i found messages between them. I felt and still feel aweful! 
I guess itwill just heal over time, that's all I am hoping for


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi DMB324. So sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. Its just sucks doesnt it? How far along are you two into recovering your marriage?

We are about 4 months along. Its tough. My emotions are all over the place. But we are getting there. At last there are more good days than bad and I havent cried for over a week, which is a miracle1

Havent got time at the moment for a long post as im going for lunch with a friend, butjust wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you and am here if you want to talk x


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Had a fab "date night" last night. Went to see Pearl Jam 20, the movie about the band. We loved this band when we first got together and their music has a lot of connections and good memories for us. We came home and went to bed and he hugged me so tight until we went to sleep. I could have cried. And even though he is in work now, I feel ok. I think theres hope x


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## Tisme (Sep 16, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> The mind movies - Steven Spielburgh has got nothing on me. My imagination runs riots with me.
> 
> The emotional rollercoaster!! - Well we had a wonderful day yesterday. Went for a challenging 10k walk together. Real "team building" stuff. This morning ive got up and i just want to cry. Ive been fighting tooth and nail to save our marriage over the last 4 months and now that we are on the road to recovery i am questioning what i want and if i do want to be with him afterall. This confuses me more than anything. After the total devistation i felt when i discovered the A and the fight i put up to keep him i dont know why i am feeling like this!
> 
> Somedays i just wonder if its all worth it. But i know its early days and i have to be patient and give us both time to heal from this.


The mind movies are a *****... often when I'm driving to/from work... which may put me in a bad mood when I get home. Hate it!!! The worst is while intimate... I can't hide, my mind wants to love her, but my body is saying otherwise. Somewhat embarrassing being a guy and all. 

Feel the same about the recovery sometimes... she beat the crap out of me for two months or better and I just go numb inside sometimes. Feeling great today, we had great interactions, little date night... I'm just not "there" yet. 

I'm learning that I need to slow down and just let things happen or not... either way I'm a great person that is going to be fine no matter what she does.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Bad day today. Feel so low.
He had a meeting after work yesterday, which he rang to tell me about, and got home an hour late. By the time he got in i could barely speak to him. I cooked tea and went upstairs to do some sewing. It took about 2 hours for my mood to lift.

He came in to our room and i apologised for my mood swings. He put his arm around me and said "its fine, i hadnt noticed, come on now, everything is ok". I cried and he hugged me. 

I think about it day and night, and today i feel the pain like it was only yesterday that i found out. Its exhausting


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Sorry to hear about you situation.

I'm in the same situation. How to learn to trust again? In my case, she has always been a serious person. Never flirty (at least in my presence). Never contact with other people after work. 

I knew something might be going on because of the communication going back and forth with OM. Mainily texting and some FB. They hardly spoke by phone. This OM happens to be a distant relative. Because of that fact, I did not think anything of it at the beginning.

She never changed her behavior towards me during that time. She was the same person thoughout. Nothing suspicous, loving, caring, everything.


How did I find out about the EA?

I only asked a question ONE time, that is up with you and this OM? That's when everything came out. I mean everything, nothing was left out. No trickle truth. I asked additional question during that week and WW didn't give any excuses. She would answer all questions. 

She said....
I feel bad inside for having feelings towards this OM.
I know it's wrong.
I know this will hurt you.
I wish I could delete all of this.
This should have never happened.
I'm sorry. over and over.
I cause all of this. It was my choice. You did nothing wrong.



How to learn to trust again? 

I will only try to trust again if she show commitment to R.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

TiB: Well, she didn't trickle truth you (death by 1000 blades), that is a huge head start!

Daisy: Sorry for not stopping in and checking your thread. My R is going so well, I just kind of dropped the ball on TAM. Now I've realized that I have a commitment I need to live up to in regards to TAM. TAM helped me out, now I need to give back some.

Again, chin up. It sounds as if you let some mind movies play in your head while your husband had to be somewhere else (which I truly hope was a valid happening).

First thing you need to do is validate whether your bad feelings are justified or without merit. You do this via your verification methods. Check emails, check phone records, check FB, check GPS. IF it all checks out as ok, tell yourself "STOP THIS CRAP RIGHT NOW. THIS IS NOT JUSTIFIED!"

Here are some of what I do when I am in the situation where the mind movies are starting to play up and that mistrust is trying to creep in unprovoked:

Play an online game (FPS is good for relieving stress)
Read the news stories off Fark.com (or TotalFark.com if you are a member)
Go for a run/walk (I'm doing more of this lately)
Call a relative to chit-chat (stay away from depressing subject matter)
Watch tv shows that I missed on Netflix/Hulu/DVR/Tivo

Before you know it, he'll be home and you've occupied your mind with something besides poisonous thoughts. You can then greet him with affection (watch for reciprocation, you will be surprised that he more often than not will reciprocate!). Ask him about his day. Be genuinely interested and ask questions about details that interest you or that he is excited about.

Know that we are here for you should you need encouragement!:smthumbup:


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks again Hijo
your ost came at just the right time! Are you my guardian angel?? lol.

So glad your R is going so well. Please do not feel guilty about not posting. Your relationship is the most important thing for you to focus on right now and im willing you to succeed because it gives me such hope.

today i feel calmer. Its Friday and we have the weekend together to look forward to. I am thinking of getting some IC to help me work through my feelings. The worst thing for me at the moment is my feeling of insecurity. He has been my rock for the last 18 years, I never dreamt this would happen, and now i feel like a rabbit in the headlights. I just want to cling to him and smother him, i feel like some craz woman who wants lock her husband up in the attic and keep him all to myself!! 

Anyway, im trying not to put too much pressure on us and see what the day will bring.

Thanks again!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

This is Bad - Sorry about your situation. Im begining to think that that there isnt a single marriage out there that is imune to heartache. I hope your R is going well. Im interested to hear how you are getting on.

Take care of yourself!


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Good morning Daisy!

Your thought-blockers for the day: Think about the wonderful couple times you will have this weekend.

PS: You can ramp up the intimacy this weekend!

Have a great next few days!


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm going thru the same exact thing right now... Wondering if I'll ever trust him again.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> I'm going thru the same exact thing right now... Wondering if I'll ever trust him again.


If you can take the time to read the threads in this forum, focus on those dealing with "after R/D has been decided" for tips and experiences from others.

I'm assuming you have both decided to reconcile, so this is the advice I give you:

Shift your focus from "I mistrust him completely" to "I trust him and verify that trust".

If you do this, recovery of your emotional control is soon to follow and you will be happier overall.

Continue to support each other, and expect him to support you through your trigger episodes (don't keep these from him, but don't change them into hating on him either. Hate the actions, not the person).

Best of luck HB!

Daisy, if you happen to check in, a quick  or  ??


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Everybody starts out the day at 100%. Just assume that they are.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Everybody starts out the day at 100%. Just assume that they are.


Love that!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Morning all.
Weekend went ok. Hubby was very quiet on Saturday and this really unerves me, but i had a bit if an emotional breakdown and friday and burst into tears at the slightest thing. He was understanding but we didnt really talk. I wonder if he was thinking about "stuff" on Saturday and thats why he was so quiet. We went for a lovely walk Saturday about 3pm. We were out about 3 hours. Asked him if he was ok, as he was so quiet and he just said he was just having a quiet day so i let him be. 

Had an early night after the walking :smthumbup: !!! and Sunday was much better. i realise i am craving attention from him and reading too much into it when hes not being as demonstrative as i want him to be.

So Monday morning blues. I realise that this is my final hurdle. He only has to mention work and i freeze. Im trying to focus on all the positives and keep busy!

Its our 18th wedding anniversary in 2 weeks. i wasnt going to make a fuss but he said this morning for us to sit down together on Wednesday (when im home from work) and plan something together. He said to arrange for our daughter to stay in my mums and we will have a day and a night away together. Something to look forward to and focus on! 

Im going to try really hard this week to push all those negative thoughts out of my mind and block those mind movies.

Thax Hijo for ur continued support. hope your weekend went well


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please stop apologizing.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

I didn't see any apologetic words or behavior there.

Keep plugging along Daisy, I am positive it will work out.

Please PM me if you need anything. You and I are in the same rollercoaster ride I think. At about the same point in the long uphill before the thrill of the ride starts.


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## tamarar (Sep 26, 2011)

I think its a decision. Be honest with yourself, is there a time in your marriage you were ever vulnerable to becoming the WS? If you can understand how he ended up here then you can trust him again. If he knows he is accepted by you, and you are just as human, he will have no reason to feel ashamed by being honest.

He needs to find another job. Even the most honest loving couple could not move on with daily contact from the other woman. He may not want to for other reasons but he needs to be willing to do ANYTHING to get your relationship where it needs to be. Both of you guys got here, he was just the one that f'ed up, it couldve been you, be glad he is bearing the blame, and work together to rebuild your connection that somehow left you slowly over the years.


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## SoloNole (Sep 15, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Triggers - I hate the sight of his mobile phone. I want to pick it up and throw it through the window! how crazy! But its everything it signifies.


Me too! I found out about her 2nd affair by checking her phone and texting use. Over 31 hours of phone calls and nearly 2,000 text msgs with the OM. I want to smash that F'N thing with a hammer everytime i see her on it!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

People often request that their former wayward spouse get rid of the offending items, even so far as to buy new beds or cars.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> People often request that their former wayward spouse get rid of the offending items, even so far as to buy new beds or cars.


I can relate to that...i had my wife get rid of quite a few things. It really does help.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

SoloNole said:


> Me too! I found out about her 2nd affair by checking her phone and texting use. Over 31 hours of phone calls and nearly 2,000 text msgs with the OM. I want to smash that F'N thing with a hammer everytime i see her on it!!


you think thats crazy, 

i researched my bill during when my wife and the OM were getting to be better friends, and in a 7 month span (sept-mar) over 18000 text messages, maxing ar 4000 in jan. 

ever since i got my iphone in feb '10 we've done 7000 total. 

maddening , esp. because i didnt check the bill before hand (that said when she got her blackberry i was able to spy)

as for the items to gt rid of, shes already gotten rid of her phone, and the car might be next because she got into an accident.

but the big thing for me will be ALL her intimate appearal. even the stuff i know she got WAY before the affair. (heck even our marriage.) i want to burn it all. anything he mayve seen her in, gone. i want to feel special,amd thats a big one for me.

that and we can buy new stuff, but do it right. (id oftne buy her stuff id want to see her wear as opposed to what she might actually like. i batted .500 on that one) wed be able to pick stuff out that we both like and that makes her feel good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The thing is, you as the BS have the RIGHT to demand that they get rid of something, if they want to GET to stay married to you. Use that right.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

exactally, and theres symbolism with getting rid of things from the affair that helps put things in the right direction.

its a win win really.


plus...NEW STUFF!!!!

who doesnt love new stuff?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

GRRRR!! Just wrote a LONG post and lost it!! 

So where was i. Looks like we all agree on the triggers eh? Funny thing is as soon as i told him how much his modile phone bothers me, it kinda stopped bothering me so much!

Anyway, Monday was ok until i went to work. Its difficult to explain, but one of the classroom assistants who works with him, also works with me on a Monday evening. so there we are chatting about school etc and she starts talking about the OW, how nice she is etc etc!! Well you can imagine, My stomach was in knots. Obviously she doesnt know whats gone on but anyway. Rang hubby at 10pm as usual and it just all came out AGAIN!

Do you know how hard it is for me knowing you see her everday?
- I understand
Do you know how I feel like im going crazy? - I cant imagine how you feel.
What do you feel when you see her? - I feel nothing.
Do you talk to her? - only when i have too

Etc etc. He was very quiet but gave all the right answers!! I explained to him that this is the biggest and last thing really that i need to come to terms with and its so difficult. We talked about how he cant just pretend it hasnt happened and how i need to speak to him if something is bothering me because it just builds up and he said i had done the right thing by bringing it up and i need to tell him when i feel like this.

Later on he txt me and said how sorry he is that he is still hurting me, but that he loves me and isnt going anywhere.

Its just going to take time isnt it.

Yesterday was fine. I was working last night so still havent seen him. Will see him in about an hour or so, so lets see how this evening goes. Cross fingers! 

Love to all. hope you are all having a positive week x


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why didn't you tell her about OW? She can help keep an eye on them.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Time is what it is going to take.

You are proceeding according to plan. Keep it up. 

I find myself wondering what a 3 way meeting between you, WH, and OW would do. I'm not sure if it is a good idea or not, but it may help you over this particular hurdle if you know that she knows that you know. You know? 

I'm not saying do it without further input from others on the pros and cons, but I am bringing it up for discussion here.

Thoughts everyone?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> Why didn't you tell her about OW? She can help keep an eye on them.


Because she's only a young girl and at the end of the day I don't want her knowing my business. She's not a friend of mine. I only work with her. Dont want people gossiping about us. Schools are really bad for gossip and Rumours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Because she's only a young girl and at the end of the day I don't want her knowing my business. She's not a friend of mine. I only work with her. Dont want people gossiping about us. Schools are really bad for gossip and Rumours.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I may have missed a detail here. Did he have an A with a student of his? A co-worker?

If either of those are true, you have a HUGE hammer to hold over his head should he slip up. That alone should give you some comfort and give you some trust back.

Have you thought of that, or is that not the case?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hijo said:


> I think I may have missed a detail here. Did he have an A with a student of his? A co-worker?
> 
> If either of those are true, you have a HUGE hammer to hold over his head should he slip up. That alone should give you some comfort and give you some trust back.
> 
> Have you thought of that, or is that not the case?


No he had the EA with a co worker. The young girl i was refering to in my post IS a co worker of his (not the OW) but she also works with me on a Monday evening. I also work in a school and we are run by the same local authority so there are times when we "share" staff. Sorry i didnt make myself clear. when i refered to here as a young girl, she is about 22, but hey, thats a young girl to me


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hijo said:


> Time is what it is going to take.
> 
> You are proceeding according to plan. Keep it up.
> 
> ...


The OW does know that i know. When I first found out about the AE i sent her 2 txt messages telling her that i knew what was going on and to keep her distance. I also FB messaged her and told her that i wasnt going to sit back and let her ruin my marriage, so back off. 

I dont know if the 3 way meeting is neccessary now. There was a point where i really wanted to confront her with him. When this all kicked off and i found out i started receiving anonymous (sp?) emails from someone claiming to know him and her , telling me about the A, they went on for weeks and really hampered our R. The final straw came when i had one telling me that she had left her husband for my H. I lost the plot at this point, as you can imagine, so i made my husband ring her in front of me to ask her. When hr did, she burst into hysterical nervous laughter on the phone, denying everything. Anyway he told her then that he didnt love her and didnt want to be with her and put the phone down. I still havent found out where the emails came from but i have a sneaky suspision that they were from here and she didnt realise that i had tolds my husband about them and she was pissed of with me for breaking them up! dont know really!

Anyway the school where they work is literally five minutes away from my home. There are occassions when the staff take the kids into town, to use the library, go shopping, have lunch etc, so im guessing, by the law of averages i should bump into her one day and ive got my script all planned out dont you worry!! No screaming or shouting, just gonna tell her as it is!

So hubby came home from work last night, the kids were all busy with activities so we went out for a couple of hours. Just some window shopping and a walk around. It was lovely, he held my hand and hugged me and it was just like old times. 

im trying to lay off the over smothering stuff and back off a bit and this seemed to have worked last night. Went we went to bed we cuddled and made plans for our anniversary.

The chat we had on Monday has really helped. I feel calmer inside and one step closer to normality, for today anyway! 

Thanks all again for your input x x


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> The OW does know that i know. When I first found out about the AE i sent her 2 txt messages telling her that i knew what was going on and to keep her distance. I also FB messaged her and told her that i wasnt going to sit back and let her ruin my marriage, so back off.
> 
> I dont know if the 3 way meeting is neccessary now. There was a point where i really wanted to confront her with him. When this all kicked off and i found out i started receiving anonymous (sp?) emails from someone claiming to know him and her , telling me about the A, they went on for weeks and really hampered our R. The final straw came when i had one telling me that she had left her husband for my H. I lost the plot at this point, as you can imagine, so i made my husband ring her in front of me to ask her. When hr did, she burst into hysterical nervous laughter on the phone, denying everything. Anyway he told her then that he didnt love her and didnt want to be with her and put the phone down. I still havent found out where the emails came from but i have a sneaky suspision that they were from here and she didnt realise that i had tolds my husband about them and she was pissed of with me for breaking them up! dont know really!
> 
> ...


This post makes me so happy. Thanks for the update Daisy.
 :smthumbup:  :smthumbup:  :smthumbup:  :smthumbup:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

did you ever expose the affair to OW's husband?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> did you ever expose the affair to OW's husband?


No I didn't but he knows about it. He found a note that my husband wrote her. It appears he found out after the AE was already over. Don't know how much he knows about what went on though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Well its friday tea time. hubby has gone to visit his dad for the weekend and im home with the children. This is not unusual. He visits him about every 5 weeks. He lives about 400 miles away.

So he came home from work, had a shower and a cup of tea and off he went on his motorbike, and i feel fine! . we chatted about his day, he was in charge of the school today, so that was a big thing, and it all went fine. Felt a little bit anxious but have kept myself busy all day doing gardening etc. hes been great. Txting me very morning from work to tell me he loves me and to have a good day, not to worry etc etc. I really feel we have turned another page.

My girlfriends are coming over for the evening. The wine is chilling and im looking forward to a good old natter. They have been amazing through all of this. so suportive, ive creid all over them numerous times. 2 of them are also recovering from As. One EA around the same time as me, and the other a PA that happened 10 years ago. So we have a lot to talk about!!

Hope you all have a good weekend. I hope you are all in a good place today x x


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

That is so awesome Daisy.

On my end, I can see signs from my wife that she is stepping up the affection output towards me, and for a change it doesn't feel forced. 

Have a fantastic weekend!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi all,

Just an update and i suppose a response to my own question "how do i learn to trust again?" im begining to answer it for myself i suppose and the answers im coming up with are, time, talking,patience, understanding and realisation.

Time is healing my wounds. The talkling is reassuring me and the understanding of why this all happened in the first place is getting us both to the place where, hopefully we will never be in a situation like this again. I feel like I am finally on the path to recovery. The mind movies and the triggers are getting fewer and yes there are days when it is not all consuming and excrutiating.

The realisation! Some of you will disagree with this and say that only cheaters cheat, but i truly believe my husband is not a cheater, in the full sense of the word. He has always been a man who has put me first. He has adored me and looked after me and treated me well. In 17 years there was not one single occasion where i doubted his loyalty to me and our children and i have to keep that in mind when i have bad days or doubt. He has always told me he loves me, how sexy i am. how gorgeous he thinks i am, and because of my own insecurities i rebuffed his compliments and didnt believe he could truly feeel that way about me. Boy! Do i wish i had accepted those compliments and the attention gleefuly because i guess he just gave up saying them and when he did, it broke my heart.

Also that I had a hand in all this. I am not blaming myself at all, but we have talked about why we think this happened and there are things BOTH have to change and work on, and we are, and do you know what? Its not difficult. After 17 years i think we both got complacent and stopped taking care of each other, apreciating each other and just generally being respectful to each other. We stopped putting us first. The kids and what they needed and wanted always came first. We stopped laughing and having fun. There are times when i felt embarrased by him and wanted to change the very things i fell in love with him for. Not anymore. Its almost as if i am seeing him again for the first time in years. I love this man and i forgive him for what he has done and everday i am thankfull that we have had a second chance. I know its early days yet but for 4 months there has not be one single thing that he has done that would make me think that anything is still going on. We are working together to help me regain the trust. 

I asked him if he thought the EA could have turned into a PA if I hadnt found out. He replied "I dont know, i cant answer that, but Im glad you found out, because i was so unhappy and now I am happy". I thought this was a very honest reply from him. Of course there are some questions that still remain unanswered. I dont know exactly when or how it started and too be honest im still not 100% sure there was absolutely no physical contact (maybe a kiss?), but do i just keeping going over the same stuff or ask him and see the pain in his face when he has to talk about it? Maybe its just best to move on? I dont know.

Anyeay, sorry for the long post, it helps to write things down. We are going away for the wekend for our 18th aniversary. Im going to take it as it comes, relax and enjoy being together.

Hope you are all doing ok. thanks for reading x xx


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Awesome!

Question: Are you spending 15 hours a week together, to firm up your relationship?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> Awesome!
> 
> Question: Are you spending 15 hours a week together, to firm up your relationship?


Thanks Turnera. Yes we do spend 15 hours a week together now. Don't see him from Monday to Wednesday because of work patterns. But spend Wednesday evening and Friday evening together, then the whole weekend. We spend some time apart, he works out for an hour in the evening and if the weather is good he sill go out fir an hour in his bike. I might pop out while he is doing these things but the rest of the time we spend together and always go to sleep cuddled up.

All seems to be going on the right track. Been a bit tired today and haven't seen him properly for a few days due to work and him visiting his dad so I am feeling a bit needy and insecure this evening but I'm really trying to deal with it in a calm level headed way.

Thanks for your interest x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Think outside the box. That will help a lot, to set NEW norms for you. For instance, if he's driving out of town to see his dad and driving back, meet him halfway at some little podunk town and have a fresh evening and finish it off acting like teenagers in a crappy motel.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

For 3 months he gave me the ILYBIKILWY. He now tells me everyday that he loves me. So why am i questioning that today? Why am I thinking "does he mean it, or is he just saying it"? I dont know!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> For 3 months he gave me the ILYBIKILWY. *He now tells me everyday that he loves me.* So why am i questioning that today? Why am I thinking "does he mean it, or is he just saying it"? I dont know!


Probably because too much of one thing cheapens it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed. And actions speak louder than words.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> For 3 months he gave me the ILYBIKILWY. He now tells me everyday that he loves me. So why am i questioning that today? Why am I thinking "does he mean it, or is he just saying it"? I dont know!



Because he was telling you he loved you when he was having the affair...words mean nothing when recovering from an affair..I mean they're kinda nice to hear....however it's the actions that follow the words where recovery rubber meets the road.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi everyone
So we had our weekend away and it was wonderful. We went Saturday morning and I was really worried because the day before,I got up and I felt awful. I felt insecure, paranoid and out of control. I sent the OW a FB message and gave her s piece of my mind too!! Why? I don't know. I think I put too much pressure on myself about the impending weekend and I was angry that I had to deal with this on my 18th wedding anniversary! Anyway, Friday evening we had words and I cried and he was underdtaning, again! But I could tell he was really done with going over it again! I told him i had sent her a message and he wasn't bothered. Said it was ok. He didn't care! Anyway I promised him that the weekend wld be about us and that I wld not mention any of it over the weekend! He looked a bit sceptical, but relieved!!

So it was fab. We stayed in a lovely Georgian gardeners cottage on a country estate. We walked, we talked , held hands and kissed and cuddled like old times, oh and there was LOTS of intimacy, Initiated by both of us. It's just what we needed. I feel like we have crossed another hurdle, he feels so much closer and the distancehas lessened. He's txting me from work, being funny and sexy and flirting and slowly I feeling much more secure. I've hardly thought about the OW over the last couple of days and it's liberating.

I love him and I need to be with him. I can't imagine my life without him and i thank god forgiving us a second chance. I thank all of you too. I don't post everyday but I Fo go through the threads and read as much as possible. All ur wonderful advice and support has really helped me to get my marriage back on the right track. Thankyou all! X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

maybe I'm being a little negative when I say this, but if your marriage works out, and I hope it does as I am a big supporter of marriages, but NEVER trust fully again. Never ever again. Never ever let your guard down.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> maybe I'm being a little negative when I say this, but if your marriage works out, and I hope it does as I am a big supporter of marriages, but NEVER trust fully again. Never ever again. Never ever let your guard down.


That's one of the saddest things. I will never fully trust him again but at least I know what to look out for now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tisme (Sep 16, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> That's one of the saddest things. I will never fully trust him again but at least I know what to look out for now!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's where I'll be at best case scenario if mine works out as well... sad really. If I ever hear "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm in love with you" someone's bags are going to packed.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Tisme said:


> I think that's where I'll be at best case scenario if mine works out as well... sad really. If I ever hear "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm in love with you" someone's bags are going to packed.


That makes 2 of us!!

All in all things are going well but today I feel like crap. Cried all day. Over analyse every word he says, every move he makes. I'm worried my feeling of insecurity are going to ruin things. He's trying so hard but I just feel miserable.
We need to talk but I can't without vetting emotional. I cried all over him before he went to work this morning. I'm scared that my behaviour is pushing him away. We had a fab time last weekend, away from it all, but back to the day to day routine and I'm struggling. The work situation still kills me. But there's nothing I can do about it. I also feel there is a now a wedge between us that will never go away. It's changed us both. And I am wondering today if I can do this anymore!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Sorry you have to go through this Daisy! I don't think the work situation is helping. It took my DS several months to get a new job (his EA/PA was with a co-worker), but he's finally out of there. It's helped a lot. Even just knowing there was a chance he'd see her would make me have a bad day. Some of my worst triggers were the days he ran into her or she attempted contact.

Don't feel afraid to talk to your husband about what you're feeling. It takes time to recover. If he's truly remorseful and wants to save your marriage, you will not push him away. Better to get it out all now rather than in 2 years. At least now he'll understand more why you need to talk about everything. If you act like everything is okay now, then it all erupts in a hot mess in a few years, it'll be harder for both of you to deal.

Also, make sure your husband is feeling good that everything is out in the open. If there's anything he's still hiding about the EA, it'll be harder for him to move forward too. After I found out about my H's recent EA/PA, he confessed to a different PA he had 10 years ago. Although painful to hear, the revelation made me feel like I had the man I married back, because there was finally no more secrets. He may feel like a total scumbag for what he's done, but now he says he no longer carries the shame of lying to me. He plans on keeping his conscience clear and for that he feels really good. It's the clear conscience that makes him feel more confident about not cheating again, because he never wants to harbor the secret shame of lying.

Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have a MC lined up?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> Do you have a MC lined up?


No. He won't go. Just doesn't believe in it. Says they're only there to take your money off you!! I'm giving it until after Xmas then I'm probably going to attend IC. I can access it through oc health at work so it's free. I really have dome things that I need to work through. X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Safron; the work situation is a daily struggle. I feel out of control and depressed about the situation. I tell him how I'm feeling, but it's more of a general conversation about us. He hates talking about the EA and gets moody if I bring it up. I'm wondering if there's more that I don't know about and by not talking about it he thinks he can block it out. But I need to talk about it. I feel like giving him an ultimatum that if he won't sit down and tell me everything then I'm done! But maybe it's my paranoia and insecurity that's making me think there's more. I just don't know anymore! 
How do I get him to talk to me about it and reasure him that I just want it all out in the open so we can make a fresh start?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Safron; the work situation is a daily struggle. I feel out of control and depressed about the situation. I tell him how I'm feeling, but it's more of a general conversation about us. He hates talking about the EA and gets moody if I bring it up. I'm wondering if there's more that I don't know about and by not talking about it he thinks he can block it out. But I need to talk about it. I feel like giving him an ultimatum that if he won't sit down and tell me everything then I'm done! But maybe it's my paranoia and insecurity that's making me think there's more. I just don't know anymore!
> How do I get him to talk to me about it and reasure him that I just want it all out in the open so we can make a fresh start?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Daisy. Was very happy to hear about your wonderful weekend together. Keep that weekend forefront in your mind! It is your anchor. Look forward to the next one!

Here is what I did to get mine to open up more: 
I started by thanking her for helping me to deal with the hurt caused by the affair. (Make sure you impress upon him that it was INDEED AN AFFAIR. In many ways, and EA is worse than a PA/ONS)
Given that he warms up to the idea that he is helping you, you can start to hint that for a more complete recovery you need to know the full details. At first he will balk. Realize, and let him know that you know that this hurts him too. No one wants to relive past screwups. Push and let him know that to help both of you, the entire thing must be brought into the light so it can die out like the fungus it is. 
No trickle truth is key here. Rip it off like a bandage, not slowly.

If after pushing a little bit he isn't ready, you might go about it like this: "ok, you might not have the presence of mind right now to talk about it, when you feel you are strong enough to deal with it. We WILL talk about it though, because we need this.". This plays a bit on his psyche in that you are mildly accusing him of being weak. Any man will want to alleviate this impression sooner rather than later. From that point forward, open with: "are you strong enough to talk about this in full detail yet?"

He will come around. Once he has, you MUST accept that you have the full details and the whole thing is in the past. The hurt will die away. Most of the trust will return (not all, nor should it). Triggers will be less and less (make sure he knows that you expect and fully appreciate him helping you through these triggers).

Up days and down days. For the down, sidetrack your mind with something else. Find a non marriage destructive hobby for those days.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hijo, thankyou for your advice.

Ive had a very bad couple of days, i just cant stop crying and i have realised that when i am like this he withdraws even more.

We "talked" on Sunday morning while all the children were out. I had to walk my daughter to her friends house first thing so i said to him "Stay in bed and i'll come back to bed when i get back if you like", well when i got back he had already got up and showered and dressed and was sitting in the garden. so i couldnt help myself and made a sarcastic coment and he just said "just stop having a go at me all the time". I burst into tears and stormed upstairs, but then i returned back down and asked him to come and talk to me.

I said i wasnt having a go at him but that i just feel so insecure at the moment because he doesnt kiss me or hug me or have fun wih me anymore. I really struggle with this, he was always so affectionate to me and demonstrative and hes really changed. He always hugs me when we are falling to sleep but thats it. Im struggling. I miss him. So he said he doesnt know why he does it. He doesnt do it on purpose and that hes struggling too.

We went on to talk about the EA and i explained to him that because all i had was trickle truth, forced out of him for months i just think that there is so much more i dont know. He said he doesnt want to talk about it because he feels so ashamed and quilty and he cant bear to think about it. He said i know everyhting. He didnt touch her, the txts werent sexually graffic and that he just needed someone to talk to and that they became very close. I asked him about the letter he sent her. He was very reluctant to talk about it, but said he didnt tell her that he wanted to leave me, he just said that if the circumstances were different then he would like to be with her!!! 
HE said as far as work is concerned, he only talks to her about work related issues. She asked him once if he was ok and that was it. She has not tried to contact him via txt or anything. 

He said he is finding it very difficult to forgive himself, he knows what hes done and hes ashamed becuase he has let me down and let himself down. 

We both said we didnt want to give up trying, even though at times it feels as if it would be easier to just give up. Maybe i just expected to much too soon.

So i feel really hurt by his lack of attention, but i see a pattern forming. When i am having a bad week, he withdraws more from me. If im upset he will put his arms around me and hold me but doesnt speak. I cried in bed last night. He just held me until we fell asleep. How can i stop myself from needing his attention so much? I crave it, and ive told him this. I really feel like i am going to have a breakdown at times and have considered going to the Dr to ask for anti depresants. But i dont really want to go down that road. He tells me to stop thinkng so much and not to worry so much about everything and that if i want to cry, its ok, i cant help the way im feeling. I just want it to be like it was before. We were so close and now there is a huge wedge between us and i just dont know how to move on.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get it all out. I am really going to try hard this week to stay positive and focus on the now and be glad that we are stll in this together. I know he loves me, i suppose we just have to take it slow.

Hugs x


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

Hi Daisy,
Letting out your feelings via talking with someone (IC, or forum here, or bff, etc) is really just that. YOU ARE LETTING IT OUT.

It's better to get it out in the open, in the light of day, so it can be analyzed (is it worth it to feel this way) and squashed if necessary (no, it's driving him further away).

Men like to be with women who are positive, and secure in themselves. As long as it doesn't go too far into some self-absorbed narcissistic woman that doesn't care for anyone but herself, it is indeed a great thing and a positive influence on her relationships with others. Especially her significant other.

That doesn't mean it's not ok to cry. It is!

You want what it was before. I'm assuming of course you mean what he treated you like before the OW came into his life. That's natural, but it has to come from his heart, not his mind in order for you to feel it as genuine.

I think he is struggling with what his actions have done to your relationship. Maybe it's time to put forth an active state of forgiveness, instead of the passive state you have given him.

Have you forgiven him via conversation? Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiving does not mean you go back to being oblivious. Forgiving him will open the door to him forgiving himself. Once both of you have forgiven him, then I think you might see your relationship even stronger than it was before.

When he said he was finding it difficult to forgive himself, what was your response? He was saying that to fish for a sign (via conversation) from you that there was forgiveness in your heart.

His lack of attention (perceived by you) might be him protecting himself if you have not verbally stated any kind of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not an on-off state in my experience. It comes in stages, and starts with a self-examination of yourself and your actions in the relationship.

For me, it was realizing that "no, this isn't just a nightmare, it really happened", and "that means you deal with the state of things now" and "find out why" and "fix the why so it doesn't happen again".

You must come to terms with the fact that an EA occurred and it isn't just a bad dream that will go away with time. Once you are at that realization (I think you are), you compartmentalize it and move into dealing with the aftermath.

I believe you are doing well with the dealing of the current situation. The feelings you are feeling that are seeming to be overwhelming to you are natural, and should be expected. When you expect them to occur is when they start to decrease because you can deal with them if you expect them. Weird how that works! Just start to expect the feelings of loneliness, of regret, and when they occur just say "well, there you are", recognize the trigger that prompted the feeling for what it is, a reminder, and either remove the reminder (creative way such as phone in a blender is fun) or focus your energy on diminishing the trigger. This is the ongoing state and will be around for the rest of your relationship. In time they come less and less.

I don't recall (I have a poor memory, sorry) if you found out the "why" from him. But it is important that you do. Knowing the "why" (him stating "you were cold to me for so long" or "I didn't get enough sex" or "I didn't feel like we were emotionally connected anymore" are examples of "why") is essential to you ensuring that your relationship is stronger.

DO NOT misinterpret his "why" reasons as the EA was your fault. It is wholly his fault as he chose to deal with his perceived "why" in an inappropriate manner (the EA). All it is is an opportunity to fix the "why" so he doesn't have another opportunity to deal with that "why" in a wrong manner.

If his perceived "why" perplexes you or you don't know how to fix that "why", I'm sure there are myself and a lot of others here who have advice.

Since you are in the middle of your R process Daisy, you should still have your eyes open to signs and still be able to check up on him. Doing so can really help with the down feelings. Don't be afraid to start viewing the checking up on him as "I hate doing this, I feel so controlling". When you start to feel that way it means you are starting to trust again, and that is a good thing. That feeling will be reinforced when you find that he is remaining true to you. It is a relief to end a "check up" session and not find anything. It reinforces the trust building, and it quashes the melancholy very fast.

When I'm feeling down due to a trigger, a quick trip to the computer to check things out, not find anything to be concerned with, really refreshes. It is draining during the process though ("will I find something???" <wring hands>). You might find yourself well up with tears when you find that he was faithful since the last time you checked and you love him even more.

Express that to him via a caress on the arm/shoulder and a light peck on the cheek with an "I love you" in the ear. Then walk away slowly. Feel free to do so in a seductive manner. 

So, too long, didn't read version: Show him you are regaining trust and you are starting to forgive him (if it is indeed the case and warranted!) and he will respond with opening up more and showing you more affection.

Not to end the post on a bad note, but if you show the trust and the forgiveness and he still doesn't start forgiving himself and opening up and showing more affection, then there might be an underlying reason why that doesn't occur and you might have to increase checking up/surveillance to find out why that is the case...hopefully it doesn't turn out this way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> How can i stop myself from needing his attention so much?


By going to MC with him.

Do you have one lined up yet?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> By going to MC with him.
> 
> Do you have one lined up yet?


Still no. He wont do it. He doesnt want to think about it and when we try and talk about it i can see in his face how ashamed he is. SO i have decided after we chatted the weekend, that for 2 weeks I am not going to ask him anything else, i too am going to try and put it behind us. If i need comfort i will ask him, but no talking. I know i need a break from it and he does too. I know you wont agree with this aproach turnera, but, i really feel (at this point) that if we are going to move forward i have to accept what he has told me and try and move on, otherwise i am going to be stuck at this point for ever!

When i am upset and down he withdraws from me. I hate it. I need to try and get on with things, try and get my spark back and stop blaming myself. 

I am in the process of aranging IC, ive got 2 lovely close friends i can cry and vent too and i might start a journal. But the questioning is going to stop. For now anyaway 

Will let you know how it goes!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hijo said:


> Hi Daisy,
> Letting out your feelings via talking with someone (IC, or forum here, or bff, etc) is really just that. YOU ARE LETTING IT OUT.
> 
> It's better to get it out in the open, in the light of day, so it can be analyzed (is it worth it to feel this way) and squashed if necessary (no, it's driving him further away).
> ...


Thankyou so much, once again you have really helped. Sorry its taken a while to respond but i had to find a spare hour or too to get through the mamouth post 

Im off work for 2 weeks now, hes got a week of next week. Im hoping to put things into practice, stop moping about, regain my confidence and SHOW him i have forgiven him. I still feel very insecure, but hipefully by my actions he will start to be more forthcoming with the affection and attention i desire from him xx


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. Your posts are FULL of you apologizing, YOU taking the blame, YOU not requiring ANYTHING from him, you accepting him not being willing to get help....

Tell me WHY he should change anything? 

You have taken the whole thing on your own shoulders, patted him on the hand, and said 'there, there, don't worry, MY needs don't matter as long as you don't leave me.'

What exactly are you getting out of this? Besides a man in bed next to you?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> Sorry, but this is ridiculous. Your posts are FULL of you apologizing, YOU taking the blame, YOU not requiring ANYTHING from him, you accepting him not being willing to get help....
> 
> Tell me WHY he should change anything?
> 
> ...


I know you are right. 
I told him this morniing that i cant go on like this. I want him to be my husband, not my friend, i suggested a trial seperation. Im devastated but its just too much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know it's hard. But the only way he can ever respect you and give you what you deserve is if you respect yourself first.


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