# Porn sites during R



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I know I start a lot of post...so thanks for reading!!!! I feel like "a chicken with my head cut off" like my granny would say! 

I am trying, truly trying, to find a place in my heart to understand porn. Married 21 years and it's just a not something I like. Last week a huge catastrophe in our marriage which almost sent me packing was that my H lied about staying late at work and turns out he was looking at porn. SOOO I said that I felt worse about the lie than the action and I deserved a chance to know about EVERYTHING and we keep no secrets. (he was "protecting me" by not telling about the porn knowing my feelings/emotions with it).

Well now I'm being tested and the damn porn is back in my face. I checked his cell history and last night 10 different links to porn sites are on there. SOOO before I face him tonight I have to come to terms with the subject.

I feel like LOOKING at another naked woman, worse to women touching and kissing, is just like cheating??? If I looked and got aroused over another naked man then I'm cheating. I was raised by 4 women, zero men, and I have just always been told it's taboo. Do you thinks it's cheating, or like our MC said a normal natural thing for a man to look at??? And if so how often???


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband doesn't like porn either. not all men do.

Your husband likes it but lies about it.

I'd be more upset about the lying, especially during R.


----------



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

that_girl said:


> My husband doesn't like porn either. not all men do.
> 
> Your husband likes it but lies about it.
> 
> I'd be more upset about the lying, especially during R.


So then should I just be "open" to it???? since he likes it I would rather KNOW then have him LIE? My Best friend doesn't like it either, but her H does, so she has learned to accept and not make it a deal. He get's like 10-15 texts a day with porn photos. I told him to NEVER send them to my H (so all our peers know my positions and basically avoid the topic around me).


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Me personally I don't think it's cheating but I'm a guy so what do you expect. More importantly I'm not married to you so my opinion doesn't matter. 

The only thing that matters is that YOU FEEL that it's cheating. That's all. As your husband he should respect the way you feel about this. If he has needs or feels differently he should discuss it with you and try to find a mutually acceptable way to deal with it, but until that is agreed upon he should respect the way you feel about it. 

Flip side - if he's upfront with you, you need to try to think outside of your perspective. You may not be totally comfortable, but marriage is the art of compromise.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Didn't say you had to accept it. I just said I would be upset with the lying.

Did you talk about porn before marriage? Was he into it before marriage? 

I wouldn't accept it, and I never did accept it, which is why Hubs was such a find for me since he wasn't into porn either. 

What does your husband say about it? Does he know how you feel about it?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I know I start a lot of post...so thanks for reading!!!! I feel like "a chicken with my head cut off" like my granny would say!
> 
> I am trying, truly trying, to find a place in my heart to understand porn. Married 21 years and it's just a not something I like. Last week a huge catastrophe in our marriage which almost sent me packing was that my H lied about staying late at work and turns out he was looking at porn. SOOO I said that I felt worse about the lie than the action and I deserved a chance to know about EVERYTHING and we keep no secrets. (he was "protecting me" by not telling about the porn knowing my feelings/emotions with it).
> 
> ...


Porn can be addictive. There's a famous TED lecture you can google, explains how it changes the brain. He sounds like he qualifies.

I asked WS to swear off porn unless we watch together. Right now I asked that 100% of his gratifying come from me. A small request IMHO given our history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Ingalls

There isn't THE answer here that you are looking for. 

I personally don't think porn is cheating but no matter your husband shouldn't be lying about it. 

You have said the lying hurts more, but have you allowed him to really open up about his thoughts on porn? Is it a topic that is open for discussion at all?

The answers rest within your relationship and no where else.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Porn can be addicting to some guys so that could be a problem. You need to ask why is he watching porn? You are in R but are you having sex on a regular basis? Are the things you are doing in bed the things you want? or what he wants? Is there an underlying problem there?

If you are in MC maybe you should talk about it there.

I know this is a sensitive area. I know many women that are over sensitve to this topic and many men that are not sensitive enough about thier wives feelings.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I also don't think its cheating. Not even close. But that's _my_ opinion. 

Like may other things, in moderation there's nothing wrong with it. 

Hard to tell from your description if there is moderation though. 10 sites sounds like a big number but if they were all in one day or a couple sessions of wandering around the web... its not.

Maybe you guys are on opposite end of the spectrum as far as your view of p0rn and somewhere in the middle would be the goal to set?. As Sigma said, comprimise. 

As Ive mentioned, IMO... honesty is parmount to recovery & reconcilation. You have to find a way that you guys can communicate openly and honestly if you want this marraige to have a chance.


----------



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

In the past, he has been known to have an addictive nature: cards, drinks, etc. So that could be a fear for me????

When I didn't know about it, our sex life is great (well since real R about 6-8 weeks now, before that once a month if that). Now that I know I pretended to feel sick last night bc I felt compared??? Make sense? 

Now I feel like why is he looking??? Maybe it's me that isn't good enough and I need to be better (or look better). I will talk tonight with him and I'm not sure I can find a middle ground, but will try too. thanks so much for everyone's opinion


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Ingalls said:


> Now I feel like why is he looking??? Maybe it's me that isn't good enough and I need to be better (or look better). I will talk tonight with him and I'm not sure I can find a middle ground, but will try too. thanks so much for everyone's opinion


Why is he looking? Because he enjoys seeing what he's looking at. That's not an indictment on you. His choice to view porn may or may not have anything to do with his feelings for you.

From my POV, porn is simply another genre of entertainment. Like all genres of entertainment, some enjoy it, while others don't. If his choice of entertainment interferes in the relationship - be it viewing porn to the exclusion of sex with you or ignoring you in favor of the big game every week - it can be a problem. All those elements being equal, look at it from this perspective: if you were a wonderful singer, would you expect that he not listen to any other musical acts?

That said, I'd agree that I'd take issue with his lying about it. And, if he truly has an addictive personality, there is the potential for his actions to dip into the realm of addiction. The same can be said, however, about any pastime that someone prone to addiction takes part in, no matter how socially acceptable that pastime may or may not be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

