# Feeling lost and confused!



## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

Hey guys, I have been married to my wife since may 2022. We have been together for 8 years in total. Since October 2022 I’ve noticed that things have changed and my wife’s affection and attitude towards me was cold and disconnected. I confronted her to have a conversation about it and she initially denied anything was wrong and continued to pretend things were normal.
Fast forward to the start of December, I raised it again and she said that we should separate. A bit of background to this decision. I have not been the best listener and throughout our relationship I have neglected the issue of time I spend with her as I work long shifts and have a second job also to help secure our future. I changed my work life balance so I could be with her more but it always went back to me being away from home due to work. This was an ongoing issue I tried my best to change things. She felt neglected and lonely which I take on board and hold my hands up, it was my fault. I could have done things differently and I suppose I got complacent. So now we are living apart, I’m back at my mums and it’s awful. She says she wants to work at getting back together but she needs to work on herself and try and forget the past. She says she still loves me and doesn’t want a divorce. We still talk via txt and phone calls which she initiates which is good. She said we need to start again and have a whole new relationship but can’t give me a timeline as to when we will start to do this. It’s really hurting me mentally, I’m giving her the space she needs and trying not to pressure her or back her into a corner. I’ve listened to her needs and I have respected them. I still feel like that the marriage is doomed despite the things she’s said which sound positive. I’m mentally struggling and my emotions are up and down. Any advice would be much appreciated.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

next to impossible to rebuild without both been ready to put a huge amount of work in , 
now as I don't know you or your good lady I can not say is your wife expecting changes or needing changes that are too big ,
one question is was she wanting to get married because it was a life time expectation , in other words was she in love with getting the big day
the dress the party and once married found she had nothing more to look forward to 
or was she looking to build a life and family together with you , 

many girls live in the dream of the wedding day , or others in been a mother , while the mother part has dropped off a lot with working girls we still have a lot of women that are conditioned from an early age mothers doll where often it is the mother that is the one that installs the dream of make up move on to dreaming of the day her little princess is walking up the aisle


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> next to impossible to rebuild without both been ready to put a huge amount of work in ,
> now as I don't know you or your good lady I can not say is your wife expecting changes or needing changes that are too big ,
> one question is was she wanting to get married because it was a life time expectation , in other words was she in love with getting the big day
> the dress the party and once married found she had nothing more to look forward to
> ...


Good point. I think she did feel lost and empty after the wedding. I think she had certain expectations that things would drastically change after getting married. I always knew that our lives would somewhat be the same. Im more than ready to put the work in and have seen the error of my ways and have made drastic changes to myself to help me be a better person and husband.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I know many others will come here and tell you she is cheating on you 
or has a guy in eye or mind and wants to clear the way , 
but wants to keep you on side as a fallback guy 

have you spilt ? 
HAS one of you moved out if not which one will ?
If ONE moves out are both free to explore other relationships , and is sex ok?

IF you split how willing are you to keep on trying to get her back if she is banging an other guy


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I know many others will come here and tell you she is cheating on you
> or has a guy in eye or mind and wants to clear the way ,
> but wants to keep you on side as a fallback guy
> 
> ...


I’ve asked her numerous times if anyone else is involved and she’s obviously said no. Im also stepdad to her 2 young kids and been in their lives since near enough birth. I have moved out back to my mums to give her space. We had sex on Xmas eve, she invited me up for drinks and food and made a real effort. I’m not interested in exploring any other relationships and she has said she isn’t either. We are separated but if she’s being true to her word then I’m willing to wait and fight but I still feel like, I don’t want my time wasting if her intentions are false.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you seem to think that you need to change 
what changes does she need to make , 
it would be a good time to get your self into a good marriage councillor if both are willing to work on themselves and are willing to tell the other what they want 

the most common problem in marriage is not been able to open up to the other person and tell them what they want , in all forms from sex to the life style which I would think has to be 90% ok as you had 7 or so years together before I am assuming you were living together in this time or most of it


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

she might not be saying fully what changed she needs to see , 
or you too much a nice guy ,


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> she might not be saying fully what changed she needs to see ,
> or you too much a nice guy ,


Her problem is communication and opening up. She has always tried to keep me happy whilst neglecting what makes her happy. We lived together year 2 into our relationship. It wasn’t an easy decision taking on 2 kids so it had to be right. I am too much of a nice guy, they say nice guys finish last.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> you seem to think that you need to change
> what changes does she need to make ,
> it would be a good time to get your self into a good marriage councillor if both are willing to work on themselves and are willing to tell the other what they want
> 
> the most common problem in marriage is not been able to open up to the other person and tell them what they want , in all forms from sex to the life style which I would think has to be 90% ok as you had 7 or so years together before I am assuming you were living together in this time or most of it


Oh and she won’t do councelling due to a past traumatic event. I’ve already suggested it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Never move out of your house. It's possible that you have become guy n. 2 in her life. Move back and keep your eyes peeled.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> Oh and she won’t do councelling due to a past traumatic event. I’ve already suggested it.


I will tell you about a guy at work ,
den was dating a girl she was a Muslim girl but she said at the start she did not want him to change his religion 
and all she wanted was a guy that prayed to god ,
she was not very religious , she dressed like any girl her age , and was well educated and wants to get on in this world , have a normal family and wants a husband that does not take on other wife's 

but as the relationship went on Den was feeling he was been pushed to give up drinking and she did not want him eating any pig meat 
over time Den started to think of how much he was willing to give up for this girl , but it came to the point that even though Den did not drink much , 
he said to her sorry I am not giving up my beer and my sausage 

if your woman is not willing to do mc she might be willing to get help for the trauma


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> Her problem is communication and opening up. She has always tried to keep me happy whilst neglecting what makes her happy


you don't have a crystal ball so how are you to know anything this is a lot more common than people think


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> I am too much of a nice guy,


I think a lot of people can advise on this



https://fb2bookfree.com/uploads/files/2020-10/1602381004_no-more-mr.-nice-guy-by-robert-glover-7chan.pdf


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> Never move out of your house. It's possible that you have become guy n. 2 in her life. Move back and keep your eyes peeled.


Possible, I’ve been trying to look for signs and be as vigilant as I can. If she is playing about, then that’s total closure for me. No coming back from that after everything I’ve done for her.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> Possible, I’ve been trying to look for signs and be as vigilant as I can. If she is playing about, then that’s total closure for me. No coming back from that after everything I’ve done for her.


I just hope you weigh up all advice you get here it is given with the best intentions but we can be wrong , often peoples eyes are opened to a cheating wife but it can all so be the case we see cheating everywhere and convince guys that their wife that is not a cheat is the worlds smartest cheat and we can do more damage than good ,


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Maybe she is cheating and maybe she isn’t. To be honest, Based on what I have read so far, I don’t trust her. I suspect she has a a Plan A guy and you are her Plan B guy. She’s doing just enough to keep you on a leash without letting you get close enough to mess up Plan A.

But either way, being separated is no way to fix a marriage. That’s how you end marriages.

OP you should stop trying to get her back.
Lay down the law…seperation or divorce.
Take back control of your life, and end this limbo state that you’re in.

Maybe you weren’t perfect in your marriage but come on. You’ve been married for a year and she’s already bailing on you for not spending enough time with her? Bull crap. She’s not putting effort into it. I think she’s putting her effort elsewhere.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I don't think this pattern has changed.

no need for a guilty introduction, your wife could reach out to you, text you, argue with you and get your attention, she didn't fight for your relationship either,

you work long hours and your wife fills that void somehow

She wants space to suppress her guilt or assess the state of her relationship.

this story is not going anywhere good

You are married for 8 months, your questions of trust and respect have started, not to mention love.

Where do you think you will be in 10/20 years,

I want you to give yourself a second chance, it's not too late for a fresh start.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well you certainly cannot have a marriage if you're never there.

I tend to agree that at this point she's either in or out. In the future remember that if you're going to get married you need to actually spend time with your wife.

Any particular reason you waited 8 years to get married?


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well you certainly cannot have a marriage if you're never there.
> 
> I tend to agree that at this point she's either in or out. In the future remember that if you're going to get married you need to actually spend time with your wife.
> 
> Any particular reason you waited 8 years to get married?


There was no particular reason, we just had other things to achieve before we thought about marriage. Financially we weren’t in the best place so that’s why I worked hard to be able to get married amongst other things. Like some have said on here, it’s being in limbo despite what she says about wanting to still be with me going forward but I just don’t buy it.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Maybe she is cheating and maybe she isn’t. To be honest, Based on what I have read so far, I don’t trust her. I suspect she has a a Plan A guy and you are her Plan B guy. She’s doing just enough to keep you on a leash without letting you get close enough to mess up Plan A.
> 
> But either way, being separated is no way to fix a marriage. That’s how you end marriages.
> 
> ...


According to her she wants to put effort into herself. I’m going to approach the subject again and try and get her to be truthful with her feelings and intentions. She’s a rubbish liar or I like to believe I think she is because I can read her body language and tone of voice. I owe it to myself to be not in limbo.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Matt84556 said:


> Hey guys, I have been married to my wife since may 2022. We have been together for 8 years in total. Since October 2022 I’ve noticed that things have changed and my wife’s affection and attitude towards me was cold and disconnected. I confronted her to have a conversation about it and she initially denied anything was wrong and continued to pretend things were normal.
> Fast forward to the start of December, I raised it again and she said that we should separate. A bit of background to this decision. I have not been the best listener and throughout our relationship I have neglected the issue of time I spend with her as I work long shifts and have a second job also to help secure our future. I changed my work life balance so I could be with her more but it always went back to me being away from home due to work. This was an ongoing issue I tried my best to change things. She felt neglected and lonely which I take on board and hold my hands up, it was my fault. I could have done things differently and I suppose I got complacent. So now we are living apart, I’m back at my mums and it’s awful. She says she wants to work at getting back together but she needs to work on herself and try and forget the past. She says she still loves me and doesn’t want a divorce. We still talk via txt and phone calls which she initiates which is good. She said we need to start again and have a whole new relationship but can’t give me a timeline as to when we will start to do this. It’s really hurting me mentally, I’m giving her the space she needs and trying not to pressure her or back her into a corner. I’ve listened to her needs and I have respected them. I still feel like that the marriage is doomed despite the things she’s said which sound positive. I’m mentally struggling and my emotions are up and down. Any advice would be much appreciated.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I THINK YOUR JUST A NICE GUY 
it is why I posted the link to no more nice guy book 
bIg question is did you put all your money into the family over the years and invest in the house , 
now are you walking away from that , 

she seems to be hurt by her past and not willing to find the help she needs 
did she have sex with you on the 24 out of her so called gift to you , or just needing a sex friend which I if I was you would not be up for 
it is hard to know if she is using you or not


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Matt84556 said:


> Hey guys, I have been married to my wife since may 2022. We have been together for 8 years in total. Since October 2022 I’ve noticed that things have changed and my wife’s affection and attitude towards me was cold and disconnected. I confronted her to have a conversation about it and she initially denied anything was wrong and continued to pretend things were normal.
> Fast forward to the start of December, I raised it again and she said that we should separate. A bit of background to this decision. I have not been the best listener and throughout our relationship I have neglected the issue of time I spend with her as I work long shifts and have a second job also to help secure our future. I changed my work life balance so I could be with her more but it always went back to me being away from home due to work. This was an ongoing issue I tried my best to change things. She felt neglected and lonely which I take on board and hold my hands up, it was my fault. I could have done things differently and I suppose I got complacent. So now we are living apart, I’m back at my mums and it’s awful. She says she wants to work at getting back together but she needs to work on herself and try and forget the past. She says she still loves me and doesn’t want a divorce. We still talk via txt and phone calls which she initiates which is good. She said we need to start again and have a whole new relationship but can’t give me a timeline as to when we will start to do this. It’s really hurting me mentally, I’m giving her the space she needs and trying not to pressure her or back her into a corner. I’ve listened to her needs and I have respected them. I still feel like that the marriage is doomed despite the things she’s said which sound positive. I’m mentally struggling and my emotions are up and down. Any advice would be much appreciated.


And if you really want my take on it, watch this video from 47:30 on:


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Matt84556 said:


> Oh and she won’t do councelling due to a past traumatic event. I’ve already suggested it.


Do you know what that trauma was?

I have to say, the above quote doesn't make any sense. There is no reason why past trauma should prevent someone from having couple counselling. Many of my couples have past trauma. It's interesting how easily you accepted her reason for not counselling. That's your conflict avoidant nice guy side. 

Separation is a one-way street to ending the relationship. You can't repair it while you are apart. 

I'm getting the idea that the two of you are seriously conflict-avoidant. 


Matt84556 said:


> she says ... she needs to work on herself and try and forget the past.


Nobody can forget the past. That doesn't work. 

Let me ask you the big question. Why do you want to be with her? What does she *bring* to this relationship?


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

Laurentium said:


> Do you know what that trauma was?
> 
> I have to say, the above quote doesn't make any sense. There is no reason why past trauma should prevent someone from having couple counselling. Many of my couples have past trauma. It's interesting how easily you accepted her reason for not counselling. That's your conflict avoidant nice guy side.
> 
> ...


You make valid points. Tbh she’s brought a lot to the relationship, she’s given me a sense of stability (up until now) she always pushed me to better myself and helped me through some dark times. She’s always been understanding and loyal I’ve never had a sense of her being deceitful or disrespectful in any way. Now I just feel like I’m being played after reading the advice I’m getting now. I really need to have a conversation. I think I’ve been blinded by love and commitment.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I THINK YOUR JUST A NICE GUY
> it is why I posted the link to no more nice guy book
> bIg question is did you put all your money into the family over the years and invest in the house ,
> now are you walking away from that ,
> ...


Sex is something I won’t allow again if she wanted it. It just clouds reality and I kinda wish I didn’t give in on Xmas eve but hey, I’m a guy.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

Laurentium said:


> Do you know what that trauma was?
> 
> I have to say, the above quote doesn't make any sense. There is no reason why past trauma should prevent someone from having couple counselling. Many of my couples have past trauma. It's interesting how easily you accepted her reason for not counselling. That's your conflict avoidant nice guy side.
> 
> ...


I also do know what the trauma was.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I THINK YOUR JUST A NICE GUY
> it is why I posted the link to no more nice guy book
> bIg question is did you put all your money into the family over the years and invest in the house ,
> now are you walking away from that ,
> ...


I put money into the family but we have not got a house together. Just renting.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Well. You need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

Laurentium said:


> Well. You need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not.


I’m going to have a conversation with her tonight. I’m not willing to be played.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, she won't be able to better herself or resolve her issues unless she is willing to go into counseling. Same for your marriage, your communication issues aren't just going to magically get better. And it sounds like she is just as much a part of the problem as you are.

If you want to save your marriage then get yourself back into the house ASAP, and insist on MC. You will be there with her every step of the way, so there is nothing for her to be afraid of. If she won't do it, then remain in the house so you are not accused of abandonment, and tell her that you will begin the process of filing for divorce. You don't want to do that, but if she is not willing to work on the marriage in a constructive way you have no choice.

I'm sorry you are here. Good luck. Be proactive and do not rug sweep your issues, insist on a good marriage or file.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> I put money into the family but we have not got a house together. Just renting.


yes but if your not paying the rent you i expect you paid for the running of the house put food on the table and paid for gifts for the kids


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> I’m going to have a conversation with her tonight. I’m not willing to be played.


stay cool very cool , no point in getting hot or carried away , 
any thing you are planning to say after the first thing all the rest goes out the window , as you will not have control of her actions ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Exit37 said:


> OP, she won't be able to better herself or resolve her issues unless she is willing to go into counseling. Same for your marriage, your communication issues aren't just going to magically get better. And it sounds like she is just as much a part of the problem as you are.
> 
> If you want to save your marriage then get yourself back into the house ASAP, and insist on MC. You will be there with her every step of the way, so there is nothing for her to be afraid of. If she won't do it, then remain in the house so you are not accused of abandonment, and tell her that you will begin the process of filing for divorce. You don't want to do that, but if she is not willing to work on the marriage in a constructive way you have no choice.
> 
> I'm sorry you are here. Good luck. Be proactive and do not rug sweep your issues, insist on a good marriage or file.


all of this and I just wish to add she needs help for what ever damage was done to her in the past 
hardest thing to get past and it is hard to get the right person to help as many just help to bring it to the top of what is going on in your mind and they don't know where to go with the person then


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Matt84556 said:


> I’m going to have a conversation with her tonight. I’m not willing to be played.


I'm curious after becoming distant with you, was there any reasons or incidents that happened to cause this drifting apart . it just happened for no reason?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Matt84556 said:


> I’m going to have a conversation with her tonight. I’m not willing to be played.


Why? How exactly will you stop her from playing you (assuming she is, the jury is still out on that one) by talking if she isn't being 100% honest with you?

If you do talk, it should be entirely about what you are willing to accept, as @Laurentium has said. 

"Wife, living apart isn't working for me any longer. We can either live together and work on our relationship, or I will accept that our relationship is over, and will act accordingly."


Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

TheGodfather said:


> I'm curious after becoming distant with you, was there any reasons or incidents that happened to cause this drifting apart . it just happened for no reason?


I think it has just been years of poor communication which came to a head and the issue of me not being around, not making time for us and not making time for the family enough. I got the work life balance wrong and never addressed it fully but on her part, she didn’t communicate the issue enough and just acted like everything was ok.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

farsidejunky said:


> Why? How exactly will you stop her from playing you (assuming she is, the jury is still out on that one) by talking if she isn't being 100% honest with you?
> 
> If you do talk, it should be entirely about what you are willing to accept, as @Laurentium has said.
> 
> ...


I suppose I just need answers, I’m literally in purgatory not knowing where it’s going despite she telling me on Wednesday that she wants to work at getting back together and still loving me. She’s said this a few times since we separated but you are right. I can’t put my life on hold for her to figure it out.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Matt84556 said:


> I think it has just been years of poor communication which came to a head and the issue of me not being around, not making time for us and not making time for the family enough. I got the work life balance wrong and never addressed it fully but on her part, she didn’t communicate the issue enough and just acted like everything was ok.


the thing that confuses me is she left the home for this correct?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Matt84556 said:


> Oh and she won’t do councelling due to a past traumatic event. I’ve already suggested it.


Leverage it.
You can perhaps finesse some of the details to make her more comfortable.
However, you need the structure, accountability and the third party neutrality to get anything positive done.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> I suppose I just need answers, I’m literally in purgatory not knowing where it’s going despite she telling me on Wednesday that she wants to work at getting back together and still loving me. She’s said this a few times since we separated but you are right. I can’t put my life on hold for her to figure it out.


the only reason you should move out of the house is if divorce was in the line , as far as I know in the uk to get divorce the two have to be living apart for 2 years 
but I might be wrong


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

TheGodfather said:


> the thing that confuses me is she left the home for this correct?


I left the home, we both came to that decision because the atmosphere wasn’t good for the kids. We weren’t arguing but they could tell something was up.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Matt84556 said:


> I suppose I just need answers, I’m literally in purgatory not knowing where it’s going despite she telling me on Wednesday that she wants to work at getting back together and still loving me. She’s said this a few times since we separated but you are right. I can’t put my life on hold for her to figure it out.


Ask her what her plan is, and see what you get.
The only way that you make any progress is by doing the work.
To accomplish anything, you either need a counselor, or a structured plan with some resources and accountability built in.
Just tell her that you aren't going to be held in limbo any longer.
Tell her that if she wants to work on the marriage, either you move back to the house and proceed with some sort of support to work on the Marriage, or else you'll just go file.
You aren't going to get anywhere until there is some structure and accountablilty.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you still supporting her?


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Matt84556 said:


> I left the home, we both came to that decision because the atmosphere wasn’t good for the kids. We weren’t arguing but they could tell something was up.


true but by leaving aren't you in a way creating more distance between you and your wife?


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

TheGodfather said:


> true but by leaving aren't you in a way creating more distance between you and your wife?


That’s a possibility, but it’s something I don’t intend to do for a long period, I can’t be in this state for months on end because it’s going to make me poorly. I’m prepared to give her space but there comes a point that space will become a huge trench.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

Openminded said:


> Are you still supporting her?


Only minimally, she’s ok with paying the rent on her own and bills but I do still give her a something to keep her ticking over.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

Tdbo said:


> Ask her what her plan is, and see what you get.
> The only way that you make any progress is by doing the work.
> To accomplish anything, you either need a counselor, or a structured plan with some resources and accountability built in.
> Just tell her that you aren't going to be held in limbo any longer.
> ...


She said she couldn’t give me a timeline for things to start getting back on track, at first I was fine with this as it was a positive step in my mind, but now I think about it, I’m not fine with that because who knows how long this could take. I do need a plan, I do need an order of structure to work towards otherwise it’s just torture.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Matt84556 said:


> I’m going to have a conversation with her tonight. I’m not willing to be played.


Go into the conversation calm, not full bore.

Ask, what it is that has changed, what is bothering her?

Is it you, or (unsatisfactory) life in general?

Is she suffering from a depressive spell?
Most humans go through these, especially after some tragic event, or health scare.

...................................................................

On those forces from without...
Skip this advice if you are the more-common skeptic.


Some outside forces can chill relationships, and its frost is lasting, but its bad effect is not forever.

Other forces are divisive and can be devastating.
These are very long lasting

Some can put you in a fog, _leaving you vulnerable_ and confused as to which way is the best, going forward.


Your wife may be subject to these bad aspects.
Or not.

Just a thought.

We live in a soup of various power plays.

Of course, check to see if another man or woman has caught her interest, her imagination!
That too, is outside interference from a fate, overpowering yours.


_King Brian-_


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> She said she couldn’t give me a timeline for things to start getting back on track, at first I was fine with this as it was a positive step in my mind, but now I think about it, I’m not fine with that because who knows how long this could take. I do need a plan, I do need an order of structure to work towards otherwise it’s just torture.


Stop asking her anything.
Tell her what the plan is.

”Tuesday I will go to a divorce lawyer if we’re not living in the same house by then.”

Oh, and you better (silently) confirm she doesn’t have a side piece. This smells rotten.

Then come Tuesday you will be working on your marriage (go to marriage counselor) or your divorce.

Purgatory over.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Matt84556 said:


> That’s a possibility, but it’s something I don’t intend to do for a long period, I can’t be in this state for months on end because it’s going to make me poorly. I’m prepared to give her space but there comes a point that space will become a huge trench.


i guess at this moment right now how do you feel about the re-connecting with her given the space? who is trying harder? are either of you even trying? this was suppose to be a temporary thing in order to become  closer yet, have either of you been trying to get closer? do you feel closer or farther away to her now?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Mate

If she is cheating she will never tell you she is cheating. No matter what you do she will never admit until you have solid hard evidence. You are naive to think she will just tell you "yes honey there is another guy"

She keeping you as a plan B, maybe plan C even. 

Everything you mentioned here checks 100% with cheating. 

Please wear protection when you sleep with her just in case of std.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Read your thread.

facts: 
1 She left you after being married 8 months.
2 you don’t have kids with her
3 she is not coming back. Let that sink in. She’s NOT coming back.
4 she’s keeping you on the hook for HER benefit, while it is HURTING you.
5 since divorce takes 2 years, that’s 2 years she has to convince you to stay with her. 

Honestly, you are a fool if you keep this crazy stuff up. When a woman leaves you and she can’t say when she’s coming back…….. let them go! What does it matter what her reasons are? (they aren’t what she’s saying they are or you’d be able to accept them).

Ot is unhealthy for you to continue walking around miserable because your own wife has abandoned you. SHE is supposed to be there for you, as well as you for her.

I hate to see you doing this to yourself. File Monday.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

TheGodfather said:


> i guess at this moment right now how do you feel about the re-connecting with her given the space? who is trying harder? are either of you even trying? this was suppose to be a temporary thing in order to become closer yet, have either of you been trying to get closer? do you feel closer or farther away to her now?


I’d like to reconnect but I feel like it hasn’t been enough time for her to work on what she needs. I have given her space, she contacts me first usually. She’s not ready to get closer yet, she said that she needs to work on herself and achieve some goals then we can start to build the relationship back from the ground up with none of the past negatives and a new set of expectations on both sides. I only feel further away because we aren’t physically living together.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Matt84556 said:


> I’d like to reconnect but I feel like it hasn’t been enough time for her to work on what she needs. I have given her space, she contacts me first usually. She’s not ready to get closer yet, she said that she needs to work on herself and achieve some goals then we can start to build the relationship back from the ground up with none of the past negatives and a new set of expectations on both sides. I only feel further away because we aren’t physically living together.


did she give a list of the goals and things she needs to complete before wanting to be with you again? i only ask because it seems like she is holding you off for some reason which we can speculate for weeks what those reasons are . for me i am wired differently i guess. a person either wants me or they don't and that's that. the rest to me is an excuse to keep you away but close enough that whenever she is done doing whatever it is she feels she needs to do is done , then you can come back into her life. to me that just isn't normal i guess. but what do i know


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

"I need to work on myself"

Do you know what that even means?

What would it mean if you said it?

She's cheating. She wants space to explore the other guy without you hanging around bugging her and asking annoying questions.

But she wants you there for when she's done with him, or if he ditches her after he has had his fill. If they end up being compatible in the sack then she will ditch you for good.

That's how cheating works. Wise up.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

TheGodfather said:


> did she give a list of the goals and things she needs to complete before wanting to be with you again? i only ask because it seems like she is holding you off for some reason which we can speculate for weeks what those reasons are . for me i am wired differently i guess. a person either wants me or they don't and that's that. the rest to me is an excuse to keep you away but close enough that whenever she is done doing whatever it is she feels she needs to do is done , then you can come back into her life. to me that just isn't normal i guess. but what do i know


Yes she did give me some goals she wants to work on. It’s all speculation at this point, she may be cheating, she may have someone else…she may be being truthful and I’m reading into the finer details too much, I don’t know, I’m just getting to a point now where I’m starting to get annoyed as nothing major or serious (like indefinitely) has happened for us to end up like this.


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## Matt84556 (8 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> "I need to work on myself"
> 
> Do you know what that even means?
> 
> ...


I understand the advice and yes that is a massive possibility, but on the other hand, what if she’s not? She’s a complex person and I know the signs point to her being unfaithful from an outsider. I take all opinions on board.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> nothing major or serious (like indefinitely) has happened for us to end up like this.


That you know of.

Therefore, whatever is wrong is both hidden and a secret to her that she will lie about to you.

hmm.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Matt84556 said:


> I understand the advice and yes that is a massive possibility, but on the other hand, what if she’s not? She’s a complex person and I know the signs point to her being unfaithful from an outsider. I take all opinions on board.


Lets assume for a second that she's not and she is somehow 'complex' beyond the normal, average people in the world.

Then you have a wife who bailed out of the marriage in the first year and doesn't want you back.

And won't tell you why.

And won't commit to anything solid like a timeline.

So... while we are in hypotheticals... what would you tell your son to do if it were his wife? Or your best friend?

Would you tell them to stay in this painful state you are in?

Or would you want them to make a decision to move forward without all the weird-ass drama from the crazy chick?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

No matter whether she is cheating or not, your best move for yourself is to get off the fence, make a decision, and move forward.

If it somehow works out that she's on board and not cheating, then great for you. If not, that's her choice.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

You don't work on a marriage being apart. Period.

She had 8 years to "work on herself". She wants to do that now? Ya right. She misses the freedom and doesn't know how to have both.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The problem is that this is open-ended. It’s not like she’s put a time limit on it. It could be weeks or months or years or never. That’s unfair to you.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Matt84556 said:


> I’d like to reconnect but I feel like it hasn’t been enough time for her to work on what she needs. I have given her space, she contacts me first usually. She’s not ready to get closer yet, she said that she needs to work on herself and achieve some goals then we can start to build the relationship back from the ground up with none of the past negatives and a new set of expectations on both sides. I only feel further away because we aren’t physically living together.


Unless she is willing to provide you a level of transparency that gives some solace that she has a meaningful, defined plan to sort herself and is executing it in a reasonable time frame, and that her needs don't include working through hook up sites, I'd say that you need to look out for #1.
I'd say that you need to think the worst until her intentions and actions prove to you that they are honorable. She should be checking in on regular predesignated intervals, you should be dating regularly. She should be doing all the right things to show you that she really, sincerely wants the marriage. Nothing that you have said indicates that she does.
Therefore, you need to lay out a plan with deadlines and tell there that being in separate dwellings is a non starter for you. If she doesn't want to share a bed short term, fine. She can sleep in an other bedroom, or on the couch She can have some space, but not at your expense.. Tell her that she needs to start treating you and the marriage as a priority, not as an option. If not, you will start divorce procedings and you will go work on what you need.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

This is a woman that got into a relationship shortly after giving birth to two children and rasing both with her new guy (you)...
She has another guy. She is that type of woman. 
Do both children have the same father? 

She is now testing a new potential step daddy for her children.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Matt84556 said:


> Yes she did give me some goals she wants to work on. It’s all speculation at this point, she may be cheating, she may have someone else…she may be being truthful and I’m reading into the finer details too much, I don’t know, I’m just getting to a point now where I’m starting to get annoyed as nothing major or serious (like indefinitely) has happened for us to end up like this.


if i were you i would feel the same way . i agree at some point you need to sit down an tell her how you feel an see what happens


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

This sounds like many other threads here and on other forums where the time apart is really to work on another relationship to see where it goes with a backup in place. It may not be that way, but that leads me to a couple of questions. Has she shared her goals for herself with you? Is she working on herself with the help of a therapist?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Her reasons are garbage, OP. Women with two small children don't ask for a separation to "work on themselves" unless they are attempting to upgrade or at least test drive other men. That's the bottom line.

I would tell her that she either moves back in right away and makes a commitment to work on your issues, or you will move to divorce ASAP. Take some control here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

it’s a shame you’re actually giving credence to the bs she’s shoveling. See an attorney. You must be a young guy.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I may be way off and of course everyone’s experience is different but this sounds remarkably similar to my experience from several years ago. I got the separation talk on January 28. A few days later she found a one month rental but it ended up being a very odd separation. We ate dinner together at night and acted like a happy family there was just no physical touching. I even stayed the night when she was feeling sick to help her out. We started marriage counseling during February. I left to go to a weekend long sporting event at the end of February and early March and she was texting me and calling me the entire time. When I got back she was jumping my bones and things have been good ever since. Lots of guys are going to tell you you are too nice and you should read No More Mr Nice Guy. That may be your problem or it may not. My wife laughed at the whole notion of me being to nice. She said I was actually too alpha and that was the problem. So I upped the good beta and learned to control my moods better and things have been great ever since and that was 4 years ago.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Matt84556 said:


> I think it has just been years of poor communication which came to a head and the issue of me not being around, not making time for us and not making time for the family enough. I got the work life balance wrong and never addressed it fully but on her part, she didn’t communicate the issue enough and just acted like everything was ok.


So you SEPARATING is going to help you have more time for the family somehow? Doesn't make sense. As others have said, very hard to work on a marriage if you aren't there to work on it together.

As for the possibility of someone else, do you have access to your phone records? Check them out...


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## Mommyto2 (13 d ago)

Matt84556 said:


> Hey guys, I have been married to my wife since may 2022. We have been together for 8 years in total. Since October 2022 I’ve noticed that things have changed and my wife’s affection and attitude towards me was cold and disconnected. I confronted her to have a conversation about it and she initially denied anything was wrong and continued to pretend things were normal.
> Fast forward to the start of December, I raised it again and she said that we should separate. A bit of background to this decision. I have not been the best listener and throughout our relationship I have neglected the issue of time I spend with her as I work long shifts and have a second job also to help secure our future. I changed my work life balance so I could be with her more but it always went back to me being away from home due to work. This was an ongoing issue I tried my best to change things. She felt neglected and lonely which I take on board and hold my hands up, it was my fault. I could have done things differently and I suppose I got complacent. So now we are living apart, I’m back at my mums and it’s awful. She says she wants to work at getting back together but she needs to work on herself and try and forget the past. She says she still loves me and doesn’t want a divorce. We still talk via txt and phone calls which she initiates which is good. She said we need to start again and have a whole new relationship but can’t give me a timeline as to when we will start to do this. It’s really hurting me mentally, I’m giving her the space she needs and trying not to pressure her or back her into a corner. I’ve listened to her needs and I have respected them. I still feel like that the marriage is doomed despite the things she’s said which sound positive. I’m mentally struggling and my emotions are up and down. Any advice would be much appreciated.


I wouldn't put all the blame on yourself. Were you already working real hard for the family before getting married? If so then she married you knowing what she was getting into already and still decided to marry you anyways. I also commend you for taking care of children even though biologically they aren't yours. I unfortunately cannot give you too much advice because Im almost in a similar situation. Have been with my husband a total of 12 years and married almost 10. He walked out on me and his reasons are unjustified. He leaves behind his 2 children and I am pregnant which he doesn't believe is his. There has NEVER been any cheating in our marriage. Being seperated is hard there has been no phone call communication just text and no physical contact or face to face communication. He is in a different state at his moms. Like you he does tell me he loves me and our kids and wants to make it work but then it turns into a complete arguement. Like you I sit here feeling alone and afraid of the future. Also like you he is against any type of marriage counseling so that doesn't leave many to talk to. Family only makes the situation worse because they will be for only one or the other person. Trying to hold it all together and stay strong for the kids it's a struggle for sure especially when the person who walks out is the driver. That makes everything alot harder as well. Your lives being intwined for so long and it's absolutely heart shattering when these things happen.In my situation since I do believe in a higher power (Im a Christian woman) I'll leave it in his hands. I'll pray for a reconcilation in our marriage. He hears and if it's ment to be then He will give you the desires of your heart. It's hard now trust me I know but the outcome in the end is always the best one for you even when it hurts.


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## Mommyto2 (13 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You don't work on a marriage being apart. Period.
> 
> She had 8 years to "work on herself". She wants to do that now? Ya right. She misses the freedom and doesn't know how to have both.


She has all the freedom she could possibly want. He said he is always at work busting his behind for the family. I say she can't figure out what to do with herself. Maybe she should get a hobby or a job herself even a part time one. That way if she is feeling lonely she wouldn't. She would be around people. Definately not feel some type of way from a man trying to provide for his family and keep the roof over their heads. I know that Id appreciate my man even more for that. Just saying.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Working on herself……. Hmmmm

she has no job?
She’s not getting any job training?
She’s not getting any education?

I don’t know what’s going on with your wife, but it appears she wants to do whatever she can to AVOID the W-O-R-K word on herself or anything else. Living with her mom? How old is this woman?

Why do some guys waste their lives catering to people who are clearly dysfunctional?

Let her go. Don’t let her problems be yours when she doesn’t even want to be with you.


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## Mommyto2 (13 d ago)

jlg07 said:


> So you SEPARATING is going to help you have more time for the family somehow? Doesn't make sense. As others have said, very hard to work on a marriage if you aren't there to work on it together.
> 
> As for the possibility of someone else, do you have access to your phone records? Check them out...


 Exactly check your phone records. I have since Im the owner on the account. I see all the numbers text/pics are sent to plus can see how long a phone convo went for. Ive questioned a couple. He can only see just a bit on his end.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Matt84556 said:


> I suppose I just need answers, I’m literally in purgatory not knowing where it’s going despite she telling me on Wednesday that she wants to work at getting back together and still loving me. She’s said this a few times since we separated but you are right. I can’t put my life on hold for her to figure it out.


No, you're not in purgatory unless you want to be. While she "finds herself", you go find the next woman, get laid and have some fun. She's most likely doing the same. Go out and enjoy yourself and for god sake, please stay away from women with kids. go make your own family.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Matt84556 said:


> She said she couldn’t give me a timeline for things to start getting back on track, at first I was fine with this as it was a positive step in my mind, but now I think about it, I’m not fine with that because who knows how long this could take. I do need a plan, I do need an order of structure to work towards otherwise it’s just torture.


Her timeline is dependent on what's going to happen with her new boyfriend. Ask him, you'll get a more definitive answer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Confused
I need space
Trying to find myself
Separation

these are all words/phrases that are used repeatedly by cheaters. They are words used to keep their doggie on a leash while they test drive a new man.

to complete her script, she will give him the I LOve You But I’m not in love with you speech.

then tell him the new guy she’s with, didn’t come along until well after they “separated “…
Blah blah blah.

The point is OP, she ain’t complex, she’s not confused, and you’re being played like a fiddle.

Just move on with your life! She’s Only keeping you around to give her some money, validate her self worth, kill spiders, do chores…..

Why can’t you see that if she loved you, she’d be with you working whatever she’s supposedly going through ut?

The only thing she’s changed is she aint in the house with you. *ain’t used for emphasis.

Move on. It hurts. It’s hard. It’s also the healthy thing to do.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mommyto2 said:


> She has all the freedom she could possibly want. He said he is always at work busting his behind for the family. I say she can't figure out what to do with herself. Maybe she should get a hobby or a job herself even a part time one. That way if she is feeling lonely she wouldn't. She would be around people. Definately not feel some type of way from a man trying to provide for his family and keep the roof over their heads. I know that Id appreciate my man even more for that. Just saying.


Freedom...meaning freedom to date, freedom to stay with Sven tonight, freedom to let her "hair" down, unaccountable.

Now that she's married there's always a pesky husband around asking questions and boyfriends don't feel as welcome. So gotta give her space for that.


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## Mommyto2 (13 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Freedom...meaning freedom to date, freedom to stay with Sven tonight, freedom to let her "hair" down, unaccountable.
> 
> Now that she's married there's always a pesky husband around asking questions and boyfriends don't feel as welcome. So gotta give her space for that.


Do you specifically know the person and know that everything you said is really going on/wants to do? Just asking cause you quoted a name like you knew the couple. I say again with a husband at work practically all the time she had then enough "Free Time" to do whatever she wanted as you stated above. Husband or not some men don't care. Again why get married if ypou still want that kind of life? Should have never settled down in the first place then if that was the case especially with 2 little ones from another man. Just confuses the kids men in and out. I'm not trying to be rude but you quote scripture from Peter I'm quite surprised with the way you talk. Someone must have hurt you real bad. We are called to be bigger people though. Look passed the offenses against us.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mommyto2 said:


> Do you specifically know the person and know that everything you said is really going on/wants to do? Just asking cause you quoted a name like you knew the couple. I say again with a husband at work practically all the time she had then enough "Free Time" to do whatever she wanted as you stated above. Husband or not some men don't care. Again why get married if ypou still want that kind of life? Should have never settled down in the first place then if that was the case especially with 2 little ones from another man. Just confuses the kids men in and out. I'm not trying to be rude but you quote scripture from Peter I'm quite surprised with the way you talk. Someone must have hurt you real bad. We are called to be bigger people though. Look passed the offenses against us.


One could argue that I try too hard to get "men" to wake up. Fair enough. I've heard you.

I don't know any more facts than you do which makes my theory just as valid as yours. We can look at the history of TAM and talk about the probabilities of which theory is right, but that should not be in this thread.

Your argument applies rational logic to a marriage in which the current scenario doesn't make sense. Maybe she had too much 'alone time' and was bored and lonely. How does separation help that?

Why get married in the first place? I ask that question with half the posters here. People are damaged, that's why. Emotions overrule rational & critical thinking. Now a few months later it seems to be still the case with her.

If this OP would wake up and take control of his life, it would end the misery one way or another. Until then, purgatory persists while his wife does whatever non-wife nonsense she is doing.


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## Mommyto2 (13 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> One could argue that I try too hard to get "men" to wake up. Fair enough. I've heard you.
> 
> I don't know any more facts than you do which makes my theory just as valid as yours. We can look at the history of TAM and talk about the probabilities of which theory is right, but that should not be in this thread.
> 
> ...


Not knocking you on wanting to help "men" wake up. What would you say though to a man that decieded he wanted to leave his pregnant wife and kids for no rhyme or reason? Just based on truths he believes with out any communication leading up to the decision to leave. Now for the original post in above comments I said she needed to find a hobby or get a job since she had so much free time. I also stated that if the OP was busting his behind for majority of the time they have been together then married then should already know what it's like to have to be by herself. In that case she should have been greatful to him for everything he was doing. Not (if it's the case) go behind his back and do things a married women shouldn't be doing and knowing they shouldn't be. A separation doesn't help the situation either with no real reason for it that I will agree upon. Yes he does need to do something like give her his own timeline. Not one person should have to be in limbo trying to figure out what is going on. It's a hurtful situation to be in and messes with your head. Unless you are religious in which then you may choose to stand for your marriage and pray religously that the eyes of your spouse be opened and they return home.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mommyto2 said:


> What would you say though to a man that decieded he wanted to leave his pregnant wife and kids for no rhyme or reason?


I would say he is lying and he needs to be a man and confess the truth.
Men don't leave wives for "no reason".



Mommyto2 said:


> the eyes of your spouse be opened and they return home.


This ^^^^ is a perilous thing. A wayward spouse having their "eyes opened" is not always as it seems. Many wayward spouses will lie, minimize, and blameshift to avoid any consequences for their actions all while crying, telling sob stories, and confessing undying love and devotion to their spouse. Accepting a wayward back into the marriage should be very carefully thought through.

The collective genius of TAM is perfect to detect wayward bs and help betrayed spouses see the truth.


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## Mommyto2 (13 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I would say he is lying and he needs to be a man and confess the truth.
> Men don't leave wives for "no reason".
> 
> 
> ...



Well I can tell you thats exactly what my husband did to me the Friday right before Christmas. Left me pregnant with our 2 other kids homeless staying in a hotel (him being the driver) in a rural area. After having signed a new lease and moving a storage unit into said property. Id say that a man who says he loves his family doesn't do that and is not a man at all for doing so. There has never been any infidelity in our relationship and he suddenly thinks there is. Thinks I'm hiding "Deep Dark Secrets" when we were together everyday. We worked together and regardless Ive never thought to be with another man. To start verbally attacking a 11 year old for some type of answers that he thinks shes hiding for me. Since you seem pretty good at giving advice tell me Why a man would do this to his family?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mommyto2 said:


> Well I can tell you thats exactly what my husband did to me the Friday right before Christmas. Left me pregnant with our 2 other kids homeless staying in a hotel (him being the driver) in a rural area. After having signed a new lease and moving a storage unit into said property. Id say that a man who says he loves his family doesn't do that and is not a man at all for doing so. There has never been any infidelity in our relationship and he suddenly thinks there is. Thinks I'm hiding "Deep Dark Secrets" when we were together everyday. We worked together and regardless Ive never thought to be with another man. To start verbally attacking a 11 year old for some type of answers that he thinks shes hiding for me. Since you seem pretty good at giving advice tell me Why a man would do this to his family?


I see you have a thread, I'll move over there to add comments about your situation so we don't highjack this thread (just in case this OP comes back.)


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