# Agree to Disagree? Yeah right!!!! Do you really?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Just curious, what scale of things do you find it ok to disagree about amicably and what starts to cause cracks, or are you both generally fine with having things you have polar opposite views on? 
Or maybe it's not being total opposites, just slightly different that's more hassle?
I guess what my question is really is HOW do you realise you need to agree to disagree and move on and HOW do you do it?


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I could not ever agree to disagree with something I saw as damaging to our relationship or people we loved. 

I think we have to have certain core beliefs we share, and the other stuff, well it doesn't matter. 

Luckily we agree on the important things. And we have discussed how we would like our relationship to be, what roles we will have, this is crucial I think to a good relationship and not something you can agree to disagree on, other wise you are just going to keep butting heads.

I like that he listens to me takes on board what I have to say, and I do the same, but he is very smart and often makes me see things from a different perspective.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

The way you've answered makes me question whether we (NOT just me!) both sweat the small stuff way too much; there's forever something we're trying to agree about, whether it's what time to leave to pick up son for school, or whether it's reasonable to get some gardening done this weekend, or yada yada..... 
The other stuff doesn't matter - does that mean it doesn't even get aired or you don't care that you don't agree? 
I sometimes feel 13 when I find myself asking these questions


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes Dear. Whatever you say, Dear. You're always right, Dear.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

It took me years to get this lesson. I now ask myself the silly question of "is this the hill I want to die on" for how far I want to go to push dh to agree with me. Most things are just not worth it. In the past we'd argue over the stupidest things like the *right* way to load a dishwasher and I look back now and think what the crap did it matter?

Now here's the beautiful thing of learning how not to sweat the small stuff. The more agreeable I became the less dh argued with me too. We both became quite polite and arguments all but stopped.

The only things now that we've agreed to disagree on are politics, views on money and a few parenting issues. None of these things affect anything for example he can feel that having lots of money is highly important (I don't) all he wants because we still don't have much. LOL!! Or he can feel the kids should be supervised 100% while outside all the time (um yeah that's not happening. 3 kids vs one parent....I'm outnumbered). On the parenting I respectfully agree that it would be ideal if I watched them all the time but say it's not possible because I have to cook, clean, etc. and it's not fair to keep them cooped up. Think if it were up to him he would coop them up. Agree to disagree. See?


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

madimoff said:


> The way you've answered makes me question whether we (NOT just me!) both sweat the small stuff way too much; there's forever something we're trying to agree about, whether it's what time to leave to pick up son for school, or whether it's reasonable to get some gardening done this weekend, or yada yada.....
> The other stuff doesn't matter - does that mean it doesn't even get aired or you don't care that you don't agree?
> I sometimes feel 13 when I find myself asking these questions


I know he values my opinion, but if it came down to it I like him to lead the relationship, and I trust he has my best interests at heart, as he has showed me many times that he wants what is best for us. So if we just couldn't agree on how to do something that affected both of us, then I would follow his lead.

Also the small stuff, he may not do a lot of things just the way I would, but it doesn't matter to me as long as he is putting an effort in. I hate it when men are trying to help out or show they care and are belittled for it. Example: if they get up with the children and get them breakfast and dress them, but don't feed them what you would and dress them in miss matching clothes. Some people might get mad and be critical, whereas I hope I would just enjoy the sleep in and not sweat the small stuff.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> (SNIPS) Most things are just not worth it. In the past we'd argue over the stupidest things like the *right* way to load a dishwasher and I look back now and think what the crap did it matter?
> 
> Now here's the beautiful thing of learning how not to sweat the small stuff. The more agreeable I became the less dh argued with me too. We both became quite polite and arguments all but stopped.





Syrum said:


> (SNIPS) I know he values my opinion, but if it came down to it I like him to lead the relationship, and I trust he has my best interests at heart, as he has showed me many times that he wants what is best for us. So if we just couldn't agree on how to do something that affected both of us, then I would follow his lead..


In reverse order, I get that OH has the best interests of the family at heart - I think maybe where I come from is a history in previous marriage and this relationship as it is at present, of single-parenting and single-handing much of the time so my way IS the way until he's here, and then it's not so much wanting to argue for arguments' sake as finding it tough to relinquish 'control' or 'the reins' or somesuch (mind you I think that's more about the day to day things rather than big deals)

magnolia - I also get that arguing over trivia is a waste of my life; but here's the thing - give me some examples! I'm totally useless at imagining: if OH & I, say, prefer to put the 'drying' wood in different places, him just outside the front door, me further away, or he eats his meals standing at the work surface in the kitchen and I prefer to leave work space free for working, how do you deal - seriously!!!! (other examples gratefully received!)


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

madimoff said:


> Just curious, what scale of things do you find it ok to disagree about amicably and what starts to cause cracks, or are you both generally fine with having things you have polar opposite views on?
> Or maybe it's not being total opposites, just slightly different that's more hassle?
> I guess what my question is really is HOW do you realise you need to agree to disagree and move on and HOW do you do it?


I think ALL men & women have areas of "*Rigidty*". Often times this includes Religius beliefs, finances, views on porn, possibly discplining children, even Politics for some. 

If one is very strong on a cause, or Belief, many times they can NOT, nor would ever tolerate a spouse who does not share their same particular views , even if others may find it completey a "grey" in their mind & heart. 

We all have our "deal breakers" in marraige. There was a thread Trenton started here : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/18223-what-your-deal-breakers-women.html . What one's deal breaker is may NOT be anothers. And some things we may be able to overlook (the GREY areas I call them) to 'argee to disagree" where another spouse would be "NO WAY" ! We are all different and march to our own drummers -so to speak.


When there is disagreement , the more RIGID & unbending one spouse is, many times the more opposition the other is likely to give you & continue to give as they also are rigid in believing their ideas, view or wants should not be called into question, ridiculed or felt less than yours. It helps when your man just gives up & says this :


> Yes Dear. Whatever you say, Dear. You're always right, Dear.


 My husbad used to say this alot to me in the past. We are more on the same page now.

But if they are not Deal breakers, then best to agree to disagree- Let each do thine own thing, or believe thine own thing: We don't have to vote the same as our spouse, like all their friends, agree on the same kind of car to drive, agree on the dealth penalty, etc

To be & remain happily married is to be learn compromise.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Okay, so looking at your examples specifically (since I can be pretty bad at imagining sometimes too, lol)--

As far as something like the wood goes, there's a good reason to keep it a bit further from the front door in my mind, namely the scattered bits getting tracked in and bugs! I would point that out and say that while he's welcome to keep the wood there, he'd need to come up with a tarp or woodbox or something to mitigate those problems.

On the other hand, eating at the counter--really? Is there going to be something so critical to do in that particular space in that particular 20 minutes or so that's really worth a fight? Really? To me, that would be the thing to let pass...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

madimoff said:


> I'm totally useless at imagining: if OH & I, say, prefer to put the 'drying' wood in different places, him just outside the front door, me further away, or he eats his meals standing at the work surface in the kitchen and I prefer to leave work space free for working, how do you deal - seriously!!!! (other examples gratefully received!)


These are very little things, I think if you both express WHY you feel as strongly as you do(but never in a defensive "I am right" way) -maybe you can convince the other, and if NOT, call in an outside observer, even one of the children & get their input. Me & my husband has done this many times. We like to bring our kids into problem solving, get their opionions, etc.

But yes, SAFETY should be above ALL things when it comes to wood burning. I grew up with wood burning stoves & we installed a wood coal furnace in our last house, Loved it. Saved a ton of money too.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

madimoff said:


> if OH & I, say, prefer to put the 'drying' wood in different places, him just outside the front door, me further away, then you smile and think, is this something that is SSOOO important to me that I am going to actually start a fight over? or he eats his meals standing at the work surface in the kitchen and I prefer to leave work space free for workingAgain, instead of worrying about what you want, ask why he likes to eat there, learn his reasoning and then drop it., how do you deal - seriously!!!! (other examples gratefully received!)


 The small things in life only really seem to bother people when there are BIG things happening below the surface.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

On eating standing up I agree that's annoying. Sometimes I've sweetly said "honey why don't you come sit down with me" and if he says no I just find myself taking lots of deep breaths and saying the mantra in my head "it just doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter" while walking away till I can get a grip.

I hear you and know where you are coming from. I'm a touch ocd so lots of things bother me (leaving empty containers in cabinets, not refilling ice cube trays, taking the longest route to get somewhere while driving...that kind of thing). Again it's taken me years to learn how to not get so upset over these type things. Another thing I'll do when I'm in that moment of being upset is I'll start focusing on all the things he does RIGHT. So he's eating standing up...I'll look at him and start my mental list. He's a good provider, a good father, he's nice, he gives me whatever I want, he helps me out, etc. That seems to help take the sting out me being annoyed over things that truly don't matter.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Speaking with her at all is typically met with cold stares, grumbling, threats, silence or walking out of the room. I would also stress that when you're simply the messenger don't get involved. My son and wife were 'debating' about something last week - unknown to me. He asked me to do something related to that yesterday. I mentioned that to wifey who then went ballistic. I had to stress VERY firmly for her to STFU and I am just the messenger. I don't care either way what happens or doesn't happen and if she's got to get in a fight with someone about it, it's not me. 

Period.

Of course she hasn't spoken a word to me in 15 hrs. Which is fine.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

DawnD said:


> The small things in life only really seem to bother people when there are BIG things happening below the surface.


While accepting this (not happily accepting, you understand, just a tad realistically) I unwittingly used an example - the counter - which though seemingly small also comes up a lot between us & I've thusfar found it impossible to know what to say to get the importance across to him
so, COgipsy, thanks for understanding examples help, but - - -(!)
If we had acres of space, fine eat wherever; but we haven't and he chooses to eat between (literally!) the sink, the kettle, the micro, the cutlery drawer and the front of the dishwasher!!!!!!!
We have a perfectly good breakfast bar just across the kitchen, but he stands & uses a third of the useful space
Rant over back to topic having proved myself totally OTT
I think the two things mentioned by magnolia that resonate are walking away saying a mantra of it doesn't matter and reminding myself the things he does right (cue predictable joke about that not being a long list)


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Just curious, what scale of things do you find it ok to disagree about amicably and what starts to cause cracks, or are you both generally fine with having things you have polar opposite views on?
> Or maybe it's not being total opposites, just slightly different that's more hassle?


For me, part of my education into the roll I played in our marriage woes was realizing that I cared too much about too many details. I don't really have a right to MY opinion on how HE chooses to do a chore. His version is every bit as defensible as mine. 

For me, the best thing I ever did is lighten up a TON on any and all disagreements that I POSSIBLY could. The more I could choose to leave alone the better. Then the only issues really became money and kids...



> I guess what my question is really is HOW do you realise you need to agree to disagree and move on and HOW do you do it?


The default position should be to move on, lighten up and leave it be. If you can even manage to not care about the difference,so much the better. You will know the ones you can't because they will BFDs. Whether or not you allow your child to own a shotgun, whether or not to buy the 500,000 home... The BIG stuff.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> While accepting this (not happily accepting, you understand, just a tad realistically) I unwittingly used an example - the counter - which though seemingly small also comes up a lot between us & I've thusfar found it impossible to know what to say to get the importance across to him


Can I ask a question? Why is it so important? Honestly, I would chafe like crazy under your restrictions and need to have things just so.

Honestly, the best advice would be for you to find REAL GENUINE acceptance that your way is not the only way and that he is entitled to his way too. There is no real RIGHT place to eat. If he wants to eat at the counter, what is the big deal?




> If we had acres of space, fine eat wherever; but we haven't and he chooses to eat between (literally!) the sink, the kettle, the micro, the cutlery drawer and the front of the dishwasher!!!!!!!


If you need to use the space, you cannot just say honey would you move please so I can cook the dinner?


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> On eating standing up I agree that's annoying. Sometimes I've sweetly said "honey why don't you come sit down with me" and if he says no I just find myself taking lots of deep breaths and saying the mantra in my head "it just doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter" while walking away till I can get a grip.
> 
> .


Is it really about the counter, or about the fact that you'd like him to prefer to sit with you, relax, and share meal-time with you?

I can understand that. 
If that's what it is under the surface, what's the likelihood that he realizes it?

It reminds me of my parents at the dinner table:
Whenever my dad was done eating dinner, he'd get up and roam the kitchen, or sit down and start watching tv.
Even if we kids or my mom were still finishing up or talking.
It drove my mom nuts. Not because she "disagreed," but because she found it rude to walk away while we were still eating or enjoying the quality time as a family at the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Some of the small stuff becomes big stuff with time and accumulation--don't kid yourselves otherwise. It's important to hash out "small stuff" that continually crops back up. Talking about it may help, but even more will be taking turns doing (or not doing) things "just because I love you." That will go soooo much further than either person insisting on having his/her way be considered "better" or "good enough."

In my case, it wasn't a case of just doing things "differently," it was about doing things half-*ssed, when he eventually felt like it, or maybe not at all because it "wasn't important." I think a lot of times, women (from whom I hear this more) are really irritated b/c more of the burden for maintaining things is shifted on to them as their spouses work to "convince" them that his way is "good enough," or "just different." Constantly shifting the burden may leave one partner feeling resentful toward the other AND taken for granted/undervalued. Then the small stuff IS the big stuff.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Creda: No, it's definitely not wanting him to sit with me - for "proper" meals we always sit together, usually at the dining room table; it's that we usually eat snacks, or meals-on-the-run, or things like that, independently and he actually prefers some me-time to have his meal which is fair enough, just his choice of location causes struggles for those of us wanting to share the facilities!



Mom6547 said:


> Can I ask a question? Why is it so important? Honestly, I would chafe like crazy under your restrictions and need to have things just so.
> Honestly, the best advice would be for you to find REAL GENUINE acceptance that your way is not the only way and that he is entitled to his way too. There is no real RIGHT place to eat. If he wants to eat at the counter, what is the big deal?
> 
> If you need to use the space, you cannot just say honey would you move please so I can cook the dinner?


While on the one hand I know there's no RIGHT place to eat, there is a considerate place to eat, that's maybe the best way to put it
I accept my interruptions of him & son have been an issue and I'm attempting to deal with it, I think being the only child of a highly independent single mum then an often-single-parent in my first marriage and now separated by the sea from my OH on a turn and turn about basis, I'm very used to doing things alone
To the "honey would you move please" I suspect I'd get a mouthful, and what if it was just that I wanted to use the kettle-not huge kitchen and all that!
Anyway I think the eating thing has rather taken over, I know I'm largely responsible but how about other stuff, kids behaviour, who drives, etc - or do you all just get along day to day WAY better than us!!
I was just going to say something along the lines of prepare to be told to stop beefing about trivia; I can assure you I know I've got to work hard on that; in our household I honestly don't think it's just me, though!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Anyway I think the eating thing has rather taken over, I know I'm largely responsible but how about other stuff, kids behaviour, who drives, etc - or do you all just get along day to day WAY better than us!!


Neither of us CARE about the answer to any of those questions MORE than we care about getting along with each other. 

The child behavior thing CAN be a big deal. It is not a topic we often disagree with except for the issue of roughhousing. I hate the way DH is, seemingly to me, incautious when roughhousing with the kids. I basically leave the room when he does that because I believe it is not right for me to try to force my will on him when he just plain does not agree with me. 

Our difficult conversations stem around money. We don't agree to disagree here. We try to come to consensus. We talk, talk, talk and talk. We usually have to write down what we agree to. We TRY to use constructive language.

But for most stuff, we both just let the other guy have his or her way. I feel I do a better job of that sometimes than he does. But I have long since stopped caring about who drives the car, wipes the toilet... When I see the dishes he abandoned next to the computer, I pick them up. When he sees my laundry next to the bed, he picks it up...


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> (SNIPS) Neither of us CARE about the answer to any of those questions MORE than we care about getting along with each other.
> 
> The child behavior thing CAN be a big deal.
> But I have long since stopped caring about who drives the car, wipes the toilet... When I see the dishes he abandoned next to the computer, I pick them up. When he sees my laundry next to the bed, he picks it up...


I wholeheartedly agree in principle to the not caring about the answers more than caring about getting along, can we put it into practice remains to be seen - and I guess saying that's a mega negative:scratchhead:
I'm learning to do the same, ie leave the room, if OH & son are doing something that goes against my nature, upbringing, or whatever -he's better at being the parent-teacher, and dad-boy football etc, I do the larking about & crafts, with some caveats we pretty much agree on acceptable behaviour, & he's already onside that I deal with table manners - provided it's not 19 to the dozen every meal - and grammar, pronunciation, etiquetty-type stuff so I'm ok that in the big picture 8yo will get the "right" rules for us as a family and just have to be better at leaving the pair of them to just have fun without my interference or even presence
The last point, about long since stopping caring about who does what picking-up, gets a big tick from me------however
If you haven't lived together for even as much as three weeks at a time in four years, habits, household duties, etc are a touch more difficult than they might be!

I think sister359's right that small stuff becomes big - or can- and it's no-one's fault but our own if we let that happen; in our case I'd never met someone as alpha and nor had he! (in a female) plus our respective mothers were poles apart in family attitudes, chores, etc so we butted heads pretty much from getgo


----------

