# what to do...



## jerry25 (Sep 9, 2011)

First let me start by asking people not to post negative things about me or my situation. It doesnt help when someone says "you've made your bed, now lay in it"

My wife and i met when i was on leave(im in the military) during the holidays. I was home for about a month and then returned to Hawaii where i am serving a three year tour. There was an instant conection the first time we met. we had been talking via facebook before i got home and we got to know eachother pretty well by the time i actually got home to meet her. I spent almost my whole time with her while i was home. almost everynight and all day i was with her. it was great. after i went back to hawaii we started talking about her coming out to live here and possibly going to school and moving in together when i was able to live off base and receive my BAH allowence( money for housing). roughly about a month after i was back she told me that she was pregnant and she didnt want that to change anything. I thought about this for a while and what i should do. I weighed all my options. It ultimatley came down to the fact that i couldnt support her moving out here with the baby. hawaii is very expensive to live and it would have taken my entire paycheck to pay for housing. i lived in the dorms and wasnt allowed to recieve BAH while being single. So she came and visted me about a month and a half after she told me. We were going to sort things out. Well i pruposed to her and we got married while she was here! We were given a decent house on base and everything has been going good. She just moved out here with me about two months ago tho becuase it was a spure of the moment thing and she had to prepare for such a long move. She is also due with our son any day now, which i am so excited for. 

But here comes my problem i am having regrets now. I cant stop thinking about how i dont think i was ready to do all this. I thought i was but maybe that was just because everytying was crazy for awhile. Maybe its because i felt like its something i had to do to provide for them both! I am second guessing my feeling for her as well. Its been a pretty rough road for the two of us and we havent been married long. i know she is pregnant am im trying to be the most supportive person i can while she gets through this!! however I dont think i have the same feeling for her as i did before. I dont think we are meant to be together. I often think of other girls as well and i know i shouldnt but i cant help myself. I dont think i ready to be in a marriage, but at the same time she is totally in love with me! I talked to her about it already because she can tell when something is weighing on my mind. I dont want to lie to her. I am honest with her about everything and i think she deserves to know! she will be heart broken if i ended it but i cant stop having these feelings of regret. It has nothing to do with her. She is good to me but i just feel like something is missing. I used to do cute and nice things for her but now i dont and i dont feel like it. im the type of guy who if i like someone i will do the most random and nice things for them. I dont even think about doing it to her anymore and it just makes me feel like she isnt the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. I do love her but i dont know i i love her the way she should be loved and the way she deserves to be loved. I know i sound like a dirt bag and like i played her but that isnt the case! i tried to do the best thing for all of us and i thought by getting married it would solve everything. but i am realizing im wrong. I dont know what to do. I dont want her to move back home with the baby. how can i be a good father from 4000 miles away? But i cant ask her to stay with me when i dont feel it anymore. Its not fair to her. I just dont know what to do. Im stuck. I know we deciede to get married and i should have thought about this before but i dont want to drag this out if this isnt something i want. Its just going to hurt everyone in the long run. I also dont know how i will face my parents and grandparents. they are kind of old school and i dont think they will understand a divorce after such a short marriage. my whole family is coming to visit soon and everyone thinks we are the happy little couple about to have a new baby, but thats just not how i feel. like i said my wife loves me very much and it would hurt her to have to move back home. 

Any advice is welcome please just dont be real negative about it...it wont help me. thanks everyone

-jerry


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Maybe you are just overly nervous about the baby..my H was sort of like that, but the baby came, he was great.
You've had a lot to deal with lately..marriage, pregnancy, not to mention being in the service...
Give it some time...if after a while you still feel the same way, then I would address the problem.
But, whatever you do, please, please, please, do not cheat on her.
Congrats on the baby and good luck with everything.


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## jerry25 (Sep 9, 2011)

i would never cheat on her. I want to give it some time. I also want to seek marriage counseling with her once she has the baby. I just dont feel like i want to be with her. its a terrible feeling to have. she gave up everything to come live with me so i want to do everything i canto make it work. but i just feel like its not going to help. and the thing im scared most of is my wife and son leaving and i wont be able to be in my sons life until i get stationed somewhere else...hopefully closer to home. also we are both so young and i feel like i havent lived my life yet and im not ready to settle...am i being selfish because if i am i dont realize it.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Oh my what a pickle you've gotten yourself into...

Of course, the obvious, you've rushed into all of this at supersonic speed and your feelings haven't had time to catchup with your actions. First and foremost, you cannot force yourself to love someone...to form a solid marriage you have to want your spouse...completely! At the moment, if it doesn't exist in your heart.. it doesn't. This is not being selfish, its being true to yourself and the people around you. The baby may become a great distraction from dealing with your heart for a while, but once he arrives, life will take another wild swing. A child rarely fixes a relationship. 

Now your dilemma is that you know you have made a mistake, people ARE going to get hurt, and there will be consequences. I can see three outcomes..

1) you stay together, and perhaps you will grow to love your wife. A difficult road starting from scratch and there is no guarentee that it will ever happen. 

2) you stay together, play pretend for 20 years, and in the end the hurt is far deeper as you have denied not only yourself the chance to find love, but you've also denied your wife the opportunity to know and experience that she was truly loved by someone.

3) you split up, and then the responsibility completely falls to you to support and be near to your son and deal with all the collaterial fallout. 

Although you are absolutely thrilled with the arrival of your son, I would hazard to guess that somewhere in your mind you are chastising yourself for not being safe. 

Please go to marriage councelling... s/he will help both of you discover if you actually have a marriage, and if so, how you can work together... or perhaps not. 

Best of luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, you're a father now. You don't get to be selfish. You have another human being who now depends on you and rightfully requires you to put his/her needs ahead of yours. Many many people marry without tons of solid time and feelings and do just fine - as long as they don't go through life feeling like they have to please themself first and if it don't feel good, don't do it. That's part of growing up; which is what you're doing now. 

Note that I'm not saying you're doomed to a life of misery. YOU control your attitude. It's normal for you to be scared; don't confuse your worries for lack of love.

Get this book, and read it together with your wife; it will change how you view everything: His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.

Also read this book, which shows you that YOU can have a great life being married, that it isn't a death sentence, that you can still get to to all(most) of the things you want to do, as long as you respect the sanctity of marriage: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from Help for Men, Mentor for Men, Men's Groups, Relationship Advice, Life Coach. And that's a great website to visit, by the way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My little two cents. I was a lower enlisted GI about 30 years ago. With very little thought about it, I married a young woman who had a 3 year old son from a previous marriage. I felt every one of the doubts you feel. Bottom line, that boy has been my son for almost his entire life. The woman gave birth to my daughter and that daughter gave me years of joy and two grandkids. Dating relationships with the cute little gifts, butterflies in the stomach, etc is just not real. Having a woman know you warts and all and loving you in spite of those things. That's real. Kids running to greet you at the door when you come home from work. That's real. Reading bedtime stories, trips to Mcdonalds or the zoo, those things are real. Seeing your wife with a few wrinkles in an old flannel robe and still finding her gorgeous. Those things are real. 
Consider a river. The exciting, loud part is also the shallowest and the most dangerous. The deepest parts seem quiet and sometimes a little boring but they yield the most life and when the shallows are dry due to drought, the deep parts are still there. Give it time and be the husband and father you know you can and should be, especially when you don't naturally feel like it. The feelings will catch up. I don't know how it will be for you, but the day I became a father, it seemed like I was born and whatever life I had before no longer mattered. I wouldn't give up any of my kids for one-night stands with every woman on earth.


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