# need an outside look



## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

Ok so I have been with a man for 4years. He travels for work and when he is away it is for atleast a month. While away his time is mostly spent at work as he works 12 hrs shifts atleast and 6 days a week. So I have not felt any infidelity before now. 
There is this girl that works for one of the companies he works for, he texts, calls and emails her. Lately it is more than before. 
He says they are just friends, that she is buttering his butt to work for her company. 
She does not live in this state so he can not actually see her. But I am getting the feeling that there is more than just a friendship and it is becoming something as an emotional attachment. 
I have seen and heard some of the things that have been said. 
He said he loves me and wants only me but we are fighting alot more now. 
When he does talk or text her he is then happy go lucky with me. 
UGH i am so unsure what i need to do. When I ask him it starts another fight.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yikes...keep an eye on this. Sounds fishy.


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

ive been cheated on before but it was a physical one. I have a feeling about this but he totally denies it. I do love him and want this to work but I cannot live thru this again. I am not sure what to do. It does nothing to confront him.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's possible he's telling the truth. Check you cell phone bills, and gathering any possible evidence. If he uses a computer at home, install a keylogger. 

Or

Tell him that you love him, and that you are feeling a little insecure, and would feel much better if he would share the content of some of the recent texts and emails with you. Ask him to please help you.

If he doesn't respond to your request, you will need to gather evidence.

Sorry


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Ask to see the texts...if they really are "just friends" as he says then he will happily share his conversations.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_"I have seen and heard some of the things that have been said." _

Elaborate.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Is this the same man that cheated on you before? Go with your gut feeling, usually it's never wrong. Mine certainly has never failed me, even for minor indiscretions...sucks sometimes!

So don't confront. Admit to him that it's bothering you and crossing over the boundaries of what you consider acceptable...there's nothing wrong with admitting that something like this bothers you. Be cognisant of his reaction. If he gets angry/defensive, not a good sign. If he shows genuine concern and agrees to curtail the 'friendship' and keep it on a strictly business level, great. No one from business texts or calls me during my private time...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The more I see about infidelity, the more convinced I am that it is a BAD idea for a spouse to have ANY friends whatsoever of the opposite sex. 

If he won't show you the texts then you need to be worried.


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

i read some of the texts and emails.. they are NOT work related!!! She calls him lat at night usually when I am asleep as i go to bed early. No this is not the man from the 1st relationship. I have told him it bothers me and he said he stopped... which he has NOT!! he now just erases the texts and emails.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Put down a "No Contact Agreement" and divorce papers by each other on the table in front of him. Ask him to choose one. There are no other options for him. You are in charge now.

If he chooses no contact, you have to set boundaries as well. If chooses the other, I'm sorry. But you don't deserve to be treated like this.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> i read some of the texts and emails.. they are NOT work related!!! She calls him lat at night usually when I am asleep as i go to bed early. No this is not the man from the 1st relationship. I have told him it bothers me and he said he stopped... which he has NOT!! he now just erases the texts and emails.


So now he's trying to keep things secret, too? Not good. I'm sure some of the other posters on here will educate you on how to successfully spy with keyloggers and such. Choose that route if you want. 

I never have in the past, usually a little snooping provides all the proof required. Be a snoop! Install keyloggers! Come right out and ask him, but find out one way or another.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> i read some of the texts and emails.. they are NOT work related!!! She calls him lat at night usually when I am asleep as i go to bed early. No this is not the man from the 1st relationship. I have told him it bothers me and he said he stopped... which he has NOT!! he now just erases the texts and emails.



A man that will hide a friendship he has with another woman is lying to you about it being platonic. Pure and simple. He's getting something out of it and he doesn't want you to know what that is.

What are you going to do about that?


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

i dont think i need a keyblogger as I have access to his email and text log. He knows it bothers me but i cant figure out why he continues to do this if he knows i have access to these and it bugs me


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> A man that will hide a friendship he has with another woman is lying to you about it being platonic. Pure and simple. He's getting something out of it and he doesn't want you to know what that is.
> 
> What are you going to do about that?


I am not sure what to do about it. ... that is issue. I sure know I can't go thru being cheated on again but I love him and want to believe him


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

There has to be consequence if he is to stop this 'friendship'. What type of consequence can you think of that will hit him where it hurts? Be aware that if you threaten any type of action, you must then follow through, otherwise this will continue...and he'll never stop, it'll only get worse.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

silllygirl said:


> i dont think i need a keyblogger as I have access to his email and text log. He knows it bothers me but i cant figure out why he continues to do this if he knows i have access to these and it bugs me


you have access to _that_ email address and _that_ text log.

He continues to do it dispite your requests for a reason, and its not good. 

Huge red flags. Don't confront, investigate. Don't be placated by the information you get via text logs and email addresses he is aware you have access too.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

My wife loves me and wants to believe me too. And she believed me when she confronted me about my EA and I confessed. 

You know what you have to do. Stop prolonging it, because you are hurting yourself now. Don't let him treat you like this, please.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> I am not sure what to do about it. ... that is issue. I sure know I can't go thru being cheated on again but I love him and want to believe him


You want to believe him but you can't because he's showing you something that directly contradicts the reasons you should trust his word.

HIDING his friendship with this woman directly contradicts his telling you it's innocent. If it was innocent, he wouldn't *have* to hide it. Understand? He wants to continue communicating with another woman and he's telling you *without telling you* that your feelings on the matter are irrelevant. And on top of that, his conversations with her will remain private.

_You are supposed to accept this because he's not going to stop._Is that what you're going to do? I surely hope not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I cannot think of a good reason for him to lie to you about this. I can think of what HE would think of as a good reason, and perhaps what you would even believe, but what it boils down to is that it still is not a good reason. Do not let him continue to lie to you. Put your foot down - no contact or divorce. There are NO other choices.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> You want to believe him but you can't because he's showing you something that directly contradicts the reasons you should trust his word.
> 
> HIDING his friendship with this woman directly contradicts his telling you it's innocent. If it was innocent, he wouldn't *have* to hide it. Understand? He wants to continue communicating with another woman and he's telling you *without telling you* that your feelings on the matter are irrelevant. And on top of that, his conversations with her will remain private.
> 
> _You are supposed to accept this because he's not going to stop._Is that what you're going to do? I surely hope not.


Do you think that people ever hide opposite sex friendships because they know their wife/husband will react this way? Don't get me wrong, I'm in complete agreement that hiding anything from your W or H is inappropriate...but surely this must happen on occasion?

I think it was Hope1964 who said that she felt that in a marriage, any friendships with members of the opposite sex was a bad idea...I tend to agree. It never really seems to lead to anything but trouble, does it?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If you aren't married and there are no kids, then pack your stuff and get out.

He is having an inappropriate relationship with another woman. That's undeniable. Maybe it's gotten physical and maybe it hasn't. If he's gone from home for a month at a time, he could probably get over to her place at some point.

In either case, you've asked him to stop and he lied to you and didn't stop his relationship. If you want to work through issues and verify his behavior (which will be impossible since he travels so much), then you are in for a long, hard road. If there are kids or vows involved, then I can see sticking it out and hoping for the best. If there aren't, then I think you should bail.


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

thats the issue it has gotten worse. I do understand though He Does need to talk to her for work issues and to get work. But I think it should be during work hours not at 11 at night. I don't care if she has a kid and waits till the kid goes to sleep to talk to him. He is supose to have a boyfriend too. He did tell her that she is VERY special to him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If it's platonic and he's still hiding it to 'spare her feelings' or something, the result is going to be the exact opposite. Any thinking person would be able to figure this out. The fact he's still hiding it despite the fact she's confronted him means there's something he doesn't want her to discover.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> *Do you think that people ever hide opposite sex friendships because they know their wife/husband will react this way?* Don't get me wrong, I'm in complete agreement that hiding anything from your W or H is inappropriate...but surely this must happen on occasion?
> 
> I think it was Hope1964 who said that she felt that in a marriage, any friendships with members of the opposite sex was a bad idea...I tend to agree. It never really seems to lead to anything but trouble, does it?



They do, but that doesn't make it right. Jealousy is completely on the spouse who's jealous... they're in control of their feelings and it's not the responsibility of the other spouse who can manage to have platonic opposite sex friends to constantly soothe the other. A lot of times the jealous spouse is irrationally so. So insecure that it manifests itself in a way that causes unecessary conflict in the marriage.

That being said, I don't think that's the case here.


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> They do, but that doesn't make it right. Jealousy is completely on the spouse who's jealous... they're in control of their feelings and it's not the responsibility of the other spouse who can manage to have platonic opposite sex friends to constantly soothe the other. A lot of times the jealous spouse is irrationally so. So insecure that it manifests itself in a way that causes unecessary conflict in the marriage.
> 
> That being said, I don't think that's the case here.


I am a very jealous person and do think the worst. I want to react but NOT over react.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> I am a very jealous person and do think the worst. I want to react but NOT over react.


Well, he certainly isn't helping the matter by conducting a himself this way...I'd be jealous too, in this case.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> They do, but that doesn't make it right. Jealousy is completely on the spouse who's jealous... they're in control of their feelings and it's not the responsibility of the other spouse who can manage to have platonic opposite sex friends to constantly soothe the other. A lot of times the jealous spouse is irrationally so. So insecure that it manifests itself in a way that causes unecessary conflict in the marriage.
> 
> That being said, I don't think that's the case here.


I disagree that jealous spouses are in control of their feelings. I doubt many people can control their emotions. And even fewer people can control such a primal and powerful emotion as jealousy over a spouse.

I agree that an irrationally jealous spouse shouldn't necessarily be assuaged. But, jealousy is very often rational and the result of inappropriate behavior by the other spouse. In that case, it's not the fault of the jealous spouse for being jealous.

That said, opposite sex friendships flirt with disaster. I have female friends that I'll talk to at parties, go out with as couples, etc. But I wouldn't go to lunch or drinks alone with one. That's too easy to get sucked in to inappropriate behavior.


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I disagree that jealous spouses are in control of their feelings. I doubt many people can control their emotions. And even fewer people can control such a primal and powerful emotion as jealousy over a spouse.
> 
> I agree that an irrationally jealous spouse shouldn't necessarily be assuaged. But, jealousy is very often rational and the result of inappropriate behavior by the other spouse. In that case, it's not the fault of the jealous spouse for being jealous.
> 
> That said, opposite sex friendships flirt with disaster. I have female friends that I'll talk to at parties, go out with as couples, etc. But I wouldn't go to lunch or drinks alone with one. That's too easy to get sucked in to inappropriate behavior.


I do not think I would have an issue if he talked or texted her infront of me. But he just last night was texting her and told me it was someone else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Huge red flags. Don't confront, investigate.


THIS!



silllygirl said:


> He did tell her that she is VERY special to him


Whoop. There it is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> I do not think I would have an issue if he talked or texted her infront of me. _But he just last night was texting her and told me it was someone else_.


Oh boy. His lies are not going to help your jealousy. Tell him. Call him out on how his lies are making the entire situation worse.

Has he said anything else along the lines of her being "very" special to him and other inapprop. things?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

anybody who uses the phrase "just a friend" to describe someone of the opposite sex to their spouse, is screwing that person.


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> anybody who uses the phrase "just a friend" to describe someone of the opposite sex to their spouse, is screwing that person.


I do not think that he is screwing her. They do not see each other.. they are in different states and he has not worked in the same state as her. 
I want ideas to fix this... I do not want to jump to conclusions. I do not want to approach him with this as I know it will cause another fight.. as it just did yesterday.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I disagree that jealous spouses are in control of their feelings. *I doubt many people can control their emotions.* And even fewer people can control such a primal and powerful emotion as jealousy over a spouse.
> 
> I agree that an irrationally jealous spouse shouldn't necessarily be assuaged. But, jealousy is very often rational and the result of inappropriate behavior by the other spouse. In that case, it's not the fault of the jealous spouse for being jealous.
> 
> That said, opposite sex friendships flirt with disaster. I have female friends that I'll talk to at parties, go out with as couples, etc. But I wouldn't go to lunch or drinks alone with one. That's too easy to get sucked in to inappropriate behavior.


Then let me rephrase...

You are in complete control of your responses. Every emotion you feel does NOT have to be acted upon. Jealousy is not always evoked by inappropriate behavior, it sometimes is present from past relationships and betrayals, and it gets transferred to future ones. Being burned in the past makes one more sensitive about boundaries in the future. It's how we learn what to tolerate and accept and what not to tolerate and accept. 

I have this question for you... If you don't trust _yourself_ in the presence of the opposite sex alone, why would you expect your spouse or significant other to do so? 

My husband has female friends and I trust him with these friends either in my presence or alone. I've been cheated on in the past by a previous spouse. What's so different about my relationship now? Why am I able to trust him? It's the way he conducts himself as a whole. With me and with them. That's why I trust him. I have no reason to suspect anything he does, because he's made it very clear to them and to me that I'm his number one priority.

Bottom line? His moral compass and value system is in tact, which is the exact opposite of whats going on with the OP. It's when these two things are NOT present you have these issues. This guy is up to no good.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I disagree that jealous spouses are in control of their feelings. I doubt many people can control their emotions. And even fewer people can control such a primal and powerful emotion as jealousy over a spouse.
> 
> I agree that an irrationally jealous spouse shouldn't necessarily be assuaged. But, jealousy is very often rational and the result of inappropriate behavior by the other spouse. In that case, it's not the fault of the jealous spouse for being jealous.
> 
> That said, opposite sex friendships flirt with disaster. I have female friends that I'll talk to at parties, go out with as couples, etc. But I wouldn't go to lunch or drinks alone with one. That's too easy to get sucked in to inappropriate behavior.


:iagree:

In my current relationship, I've been jealous twice. Once because of a phone call to an old flame (lied by omission about that one, but I found out from snooping through phone), and another time a proposed dinner out with a former colleague (single). I don't believe that I was out of line telling H (then BF) that it crossed a boundary for me. He took immediate course correction on both issues, and they have not resurfaced.

At the time he 'didn't understand' what the big deal was, he wasn't INTERESTED in them that way, but to me, it was playing with fire. Out of love and respect for me, he didn't pursue either matter again, and promised not to behave that way again. And yes, periodically, I ask/check.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> I do not think that he is screwing her. They do not see each other.. they are in different states and he has not worked in the same state as her.
> I want ideas to fix this... I do not want to jump to conclusions. I do not want to approach him with this as I know it will cause another fight.. as it just did yesterday.


there is still something more than "just friends". Be aware of that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

9 out of 10 times on these boards when the wayward or hokey spouse says "he/she is 'JUST A FRIEND'"... that "JUST A FRIEND" is actually the affair partner.

In fact, when we made the lil list of what things the wayward spouse says in the script "he/she is JUST A FRIEND" was one of the top 10 things they say.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> 9 out of 10 times on these boards when the wayward or hokey spouse says "he/she is 'JUST A FRIEND'"... that "JUST A FRIEND" is actually the affair partner.
> 
> In fact, when we made the lil list of what things the wayward spouse says in the script *"he/she is JUST A FRIEND"* was one of the top 10 things they say.


It's the default answer when caught doing funny business. And your default response is supposed to be OH OK!!! because yes they think you're that stupid.


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> It's the default answer when caught doing funny business. And your default response is supposed to be OH OK!!! because yes they think you're that stupid.


I just dont get that someone that was cheated on himself that he would do it to me!!! I really don't know if I can handle going through another break up. I really don't


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And I don't want us to get you worked up but what you need to do is investigate, get evidence, and go from there.

Confronting will work against you if it's an affair (he'll just hide it better).

I would maintain your hard line about hwo you feel the boundaries are being crossed and his friendship makes you uncomfortable. Flip it on him: say "How would you feel if I was texting/calling a male friend from work til late at night and telling them they are VERY special to me and lying to you saying I was talking to someone else after you've made it clear it makes you uncomfortable. You would undoubtedly feel bad about that."

Do you live together? How long have you been together? 

Re: breakups--yes you can handle it if it comes that. People break up every day and not one of them has died.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> I just dont get that someone that was cheated on himself that he would do it to me!!! I really don't know if I can handle going through another break up. I really don't


Hmph. People don't surprise me anymore, they're capable of any and everything.

I would hope he respected you enough to not be carrying on, but his response to you and this situation reeks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just because they don't physically meet up doesn't mean there's nothing going on. My husband spent nine months cheating and never met anyone face to face (until later on which is a whole nother story)


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And I don't want us to get you worked up but what you need to do is investigate, get evidence, and go from there.
> 
> Confronting will work against you if it's an affair (he'll just hide it better).
> 
> ...


Yes I live in his house. So I have NO place to go if I get him worked up and leave. We have been together for just about 4 years. Things were totally great in the beginning up till about 7 or 8 months ago. 
I know that people break up but I just can not go through it again. It was a big emotional issue and I think this time it would totally put me over the edge. As I was really close the last time. I am too old to be doing this again.


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## silllygirl (Oct 20, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Just because they don't physically meet up doesn't mean there's nothing going on. My husband spent nine months cheating and never met anyone face to face (until later on which is a whole nother story)


See I am thinking the emotional affair is worse than the physical one. There is something he is getting from her and not from me. I am not sure why either my ex or this one just can't come out and tell me there is an issue. Why try to fix it with someone else.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> Yes I live in his house. So I have NO place to go if I get him worked up and leave. We have been together for just about 4 years. Things were totally great in the beginning up till about 7 or 8 months ago.
> *I know that people break up but I just can not go through it again. It was a big emotional issue and I think this time it would totally put me over the edge*. As I was really close the last time. I am too old to be doing this again.


Then you need to rise above it. Let it go. It won't do you any good to confront him or deal with what you know if you aren't willing to accept the consequences of doing so. 

And for the record, you are NEVER too old to stand your ground and take charge of your life. NEVER.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> I just dont get that someone that was cheated on himself that he would do it to me!!!


Does that prevent someone from being a cheater? No, it doesn't. He's doing you wrong. I'm sorry


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> See I am thinking the emotional affair is worse than the physical one. There is something he is getting from her and not from me. I am not sure why either my ex or this one just can't come out and tell me there is an issue. Why try to fix it with someone else.


When I was having my EA, I had no idea I had an unfulfilled need that I was addressing. I now think it's related to issues from when I was younger and no relationships (an ego thing now). If that really is the case, it's something my wife is unable to fulfill since she was not part of the social circle I'm referring to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

silllygirl said:


> Things were totally great in the beginning up till about 7 or 8 months ago.
> 
> I know that people break up but I just can not go through it again. It was a big emotional issue and I think this time it would totally put me over the edge. As I was really close the last time. I am too old to be doing this again.


What happened "7 or 8 months ago?"

Re: break up... you CAN go through it again if it gets to that point. 



A Bit Much said:


> And for the record, you are NEVER too old to stand your ground and take charge of your life. NEVER.


THIS! :smthumbup:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think emotional affairs are sexually based anyway. One is just as bad as the other. 

Who broke up with who the first time? Saying you can't and won't go through another break up is the same as saying that no matter what this guy does, you're going to put up with it because you've given yourself no choice. Is that really what you mean?

And how old are you? I was 45 when I kicked my husband out last year. And I'll do it again if it ever comes to that. I figure I am way too old to be putting up with bull**** in my life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Saying you can't and won't go through another break up is the same as saying that no matter what this guy does, you're going to put up with it because you've given yourself no choice. Is that really what you mean?.


Bingo. "I can't" usually translates to "I won't." 



Hope1964 said:


> And how old are you? I was 45 when I kicked my husband out last year. And I'll do it again if it ever comes to that. I figure I am way too old to be putting up with bull**** in my life.


 I recently had a convo with my mom about couples who are married together for a long time and there is infidelity and whether those couples should stay together because of the length of their relationship/the history/the sweat and tears it took to grow that relationship and she looked at me dead in the face and said, "I don't care how the hell long I've been married to your father. If he wants to run around picking up women it's 'Adios' and he can get the hell out. I am too old to be worrying about some man bringing me diseases and disrespecting me." 

:rofl: They are in their 60s and married nearly 40 years. They crack me up.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Wait,wait...OP your man is gone for a month and he is not going to meet her somewhere? How can you prove this? Anyway to find airlines or flight records? Because if you can't prove he isn't going to be with her during these long periods away from you....honey he is going to be with her is my guess. Men don't like to have internet or long distance affairs of any kind too long,they want to get together as fast as possible for romance and/or sex.
OP I feel sorry for you. Why? Because it seems that you are as blind and dumm as I am. I'll not put a link here to my thread and please don't read it,lol. I am smileing and don't mean any of this mean but...Hey moderators, do a sticky titled 'Stupid and stupider' for those of us that refuse to see. Blind Bartimaus.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I think emotional affairs are sexually based anyway. One is just as bad as the other.
> 
> Who broke up with who the first time? Saying you can't and won't go through another break up is the same as saying that no matter what this guy does, you're going to put up with it because you've given yourself no choice. Is that really what you mean?
> 
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> Then let me rephrase...
> 
> You are in complete control of your responses. Every emotion you feel does NOT have to be acted upon. Jealousy is not always evoked by inappropriate behavior, it sometimes is present from past relationships and betrayals, and it gets transferred to future ones. Being burned in the past makes one more sensitive about boundaries in the future. It's how we learn what to tolerate and accept and what not to tolerate and accept.


I agree. 



A Bit Much said:


> I have this question for you... If you don't trust _yourself_ in the presence of the opposite sex alone, why would you expect your spouse or significant other to do so?


I wouldn't. And it's not really that I don't trust myself. I just have a decent understanding of the psychology of affairs. Things can go from platonic to romantic in the blink of an eye without even trying. Part of the reason I don't do dates with female friends is to avoid the possibility of romantic feelings and/or actions. And part of the reason is to reassure my wife by avoiding the appearance of romantic feelings or actions.



A Bit Much said:


> My husband has female friends and I trust him with these friends either in my presence or alone. I've been cheated on in the past by a previous spouse. What's so different about my relationship now? Why am I able to trust him? It's the way he conducts himself as a whole. With me and with them. That's why I trust him. I have no reason to suspect anything he does, because he's made it very clear to them and to me that I'm his number one priority.
> 
> Bottom line? His moral compass and value system is in tact, which is the exact opposite of whats going on with the OP. It's when these two things are NOT present you have these issues. This guy is up to no good.


I'm glad you have a trusting relationship. That's important. However, I have read those exact same sentences in other threads on this board when it turns out that there is actually an affair.

The one truth that I have learned here is that there is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. When infidelity is involved, you should never say never.

While infidelity is an immoral act, many times the act is committed by moral people. The majority of marriages in this country have/will probably encounter infidelity. I don't think that means most of those cheaters are immoral people. They're probably mostly good people who get carried away and do something bad.

So my general advice that would apply to you, the OP, and everyone, is not to get lulled into a false sense of security. It can happen to you. Your spouse, given the right set of circumstances, is very capable of cheating on you. So do what you can to have a good marriage and keep your eyes and ears open.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I'm glad you have a trusting relationship. That's important. However, I have read those exact same sentences in other threads on this board when it turns out that there is actually an affair.
> 
> The one truth that I have learned here is that there is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. When infidelity is involved, you should never say never.
> 
> So my general advice that would apply to you, the OP, and everyone, is not to get lulled into a false sense of security. It can happen to you. do what you can to have a good marriage and keep your eyes and ears open.



:iagree:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I agree.
> 
> 
> I wouldn't. And it's not really that I don't trust myself. I just have a decent understanding of the psychology of affairs. Things can go from platonic to romantic in the blink of an eye without even trying. Part of the reason I don't do dates with female friends is to avoid the possibility of romantic feelings and/or actions. And part of the reason is to reassure my wife by avoiding the appearance of romantic feelings or actions.
> ...


I respect your viewpoint on the matter. And I would like to note that I'm not naive to what can happen, it's happened to me before. I've been both the cheater and the cheatee in my past so I know exactly how these situations can manifest.

That being said, I trust my husband completely. It's not that I don't believe he would ever (I never say never) do it to me, but rather I'm of the mindset that he's a human being and sh*t happens. If he chose to go that route in our relationship, then it's his choice. Would I be hurt? Sure, but not devastated. I don't put people on pedestals anymore. The beauty of being able to accept people as they are is being able to let things go when they screw up. Does it mean I would stay in the relationship? I don't know, it would depend on how the affair went down, the reasoning behind it, the remorse that is shown.

His female friendships don't bother me in the least. Why? Because I don't feel that I'm in competition with them. In other words, I know who I am and frankly at this point in my life I think very highly of myself. My self esteem and self confidence is very much in check, and I know that if my husband EVER made a choice to throw what we have away, I won't be left out there for long. I will pick myself right back up an go on about my business because it's his loss. I've been through enough drama and pain in my life, and I honestly feel that life is too short to pine away for a person that doesn't want you.

My husband knows how I feel about the subject. We're very open and honest with one another and know just about everything there is to know about our value systems. We have a mutual respect and understanding of one another that unfortunately I don't see in other couples in our lives and really that's sad. Should one of us feel that we could ever feel a certain way about anyone outside of our marriage, we're honest enough with one another to talk about it. We don't hold things back, and I believe it's what keeps us both above board in all situations. 

Affairs can happen in any relationship, that's true. I'm just not worried about it happening in mine.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> That being said, I trust my husband completely.
> 
> Would I be hurt? Sure, but not devastated.
> 
> ...


I used to feel the exact same way. Til it happened. Life is funny that way. 

I do like what you said here:* I don't put people on pedestals anymore. * That is going to be my mantra from now on


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If it happens it happens. His loss, not mine. I'd be moving right along... either with or without him. 

Life is life. The only person I can control is me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I used to feel the exact same way. Til it happened. Life is funny that way.
> 
> I do like what you said here:* I don't put people on pedestals anymore. * That is going to be my mantra from now on


:smthumbup:
I think things become much easier once you get your expectations in check. People will disappoint you, it's inevitable. No pedestals means no hard falls from grace.

Realism at it's finest.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I like the way you think, ABM. 

I trust you...until you f-ck up. Then it's every man for himself.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I like the way you think, ABM.
> 
> I trust you...until you f-ck up. Then it's every man for himself.


Thats it right there!! Woe to the man that does... he's eating my dust baby. :rofl:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

As the great Athenian philosopher Mediocrates said "Aim low, ya can't miss!"


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