# Advice for a chexting man (long background story)...



## ConstantMistake (Sep 22, 2013)

Thank you for looking. I am, again, caught in a terrible position that I put myself in. I am (what I thought was) happily married to the woman of my dreams and the best mother to our two children. 

I received a phone call from my ex girlfrienf of five+ years ago with whom I have been in text contact with periodically for the past three months again. This time, my wife spoke to my former ex. It would have been much easier to stomach had this been my first offence. However, my wife has put up with too much from me. 

I was in contact with this same ex approximately 13 months ago, via text and one compromising picture of myself. I thought it was over then. She chose to stand by me... and I did it again! 

During my time with my wife, we both discovered that I am an alcoholic, now recovering. And there was one instance where she discoverd a can of snuff. I do not use snuff, that was an isolated incident. 

I have been in therapy for the past year. What is wrong with me? Why did I (or am I) throwing my perfect life away? I want to do the right thing by her, my children and myself, I simply live in a contant state of mistake and disappointment. 

I dont want my marriage to be over. I want my children to have everything, including their father in their lives. Not much is up to me at this point. But any help and support would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Man up dude. The tone of your post implies that you somehow don't have control over this situation. You do.

Send a no contact letter to your ex. Have your wife look at it first. Throw your phone in the lake. Get a new one later with a new number. Dump your booz down the sink.

Hence forth, have a personal policy of 100% honesty. If you have a doubt about a choice you're about to make, don't do it. Over time you're life will improve and you can get back on track. Also, get yourself in individual therapy.

You have power man, use it for the betterment of yourself and your family.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You say it but face it...............you don't mean it. Your wife isn't a fool, she knows it too.

Look around you, all you see will soon be gone. Do not despair, she will most likely find a better man.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Get help, if you can't stop, I'm sure divorce papers will work the same magic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you wanted to, you could have just block the Exs number on your cell,

It Sounds like at the core of things that you weakly indulge your own wants when you want something instead of choosing not to.x


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

[B said:


> ConstantMistake[/B];4405346]Thank you for looking. I am, again, caught in a terrible position that I put myself in. *I am (what I thought was) happily married to the woman of my dreams and the best mother to our two children. *
> 
> I received a phone call from my ex girlfrienf of five+ years ago with whom I have been in text contact with periodically for the past three months again. * This time, my wife spoke to my former ex.* It would have been much easier to stomach had this been my first offence. However, my wife has put up with too much from me.
> 
> ...


Dear ConstantMistake,

I have a few observations for you.

First, everything that you say points to what is really wrong with you: you are unwilling to take responsibility for your decisions and actions and, instead, have convinced yourself that you are somehow the victim in all this.

Take your user name -- ConstantMistake. What you are doing are not "mistakes," they are actions based on decisions that you make. By calling them mistakes, you remove culpability from yourself and characterize yourself a victim of forces beyond your control. Your are not a victim, you are a perpetrator. You are not being controlled, you are controlling yourself in ways that you know are destructive of your marriage and family. Understanding and accepting this is the first, required, step in fixing yourself.

A second example of this is your comment about the can of snuff. You say you don't use snuff but, obviously, you do (even if only occasionally). Again, this is an example of your unwillingness to take responsibility for what you are doing and, instead, seeing and portraying what you do as the result of something outside your control. Until you admit to yourself that you are in control of your actions, there is no help for you.

A third example is your statement that you _"want to do the right thing . . . [but] live in a constant state of mistake and disappointment."_ The truth is that, at the moment, you don't want to do the right thing. You want to continue to be in contact with your exGF despite the obvious consequences for your marriage and family. You need to accept the fact that your actions mean that you actually care less about your W and children than you do about your own selfish desires. If you can accept this, then maybe you can do something about it.

I say "maybe" because of my second observation: what you say and what you have done demonstrate ambivalence about what you really want. Take for example your statement that _"I am (thought I was) happily married . . ."_ You either are happily married or you are not. You seem not to know which. Then there is the matter of your constantly going back to your exGF even thought it puts your marriage and family at risk. My guess is that you have serious, unresolved feelings about your exGF. You need to come to grips with these. Do you really want her instead of your W and family? If so, do something about it. If not, there is no reason on earth why you should not be able to stop contacting her. But until you figure out what you really want, you are likely to repeat the behavior that is destroying your marriage and family and, in the end, you will likely end up with neither woman in your life.

A third observation: your comment that, this time, your W spoke to your exGF suggests that your W is engaging in enabling behavior (trying to fix your problems for you). I suspect she did the same with regard to your alcoholism. What she should do is give you an ultimatum -- "one more screw up and I'm divorcing you." The best thing you could do for her and for yourself would be to tell her to start her own thread on TAM/CWI and get the advice she needs to protect herself from you.

My fourth observation: I don't know what kind of counseling you received this past year but it seems not to have been effective. I'm not surprised by this because (i) there are a lot of bad counselors out there and (ii) someone who is as deft as you are at deceiving himself is probably pretty good at deceiving counselors. Until you start being honest with yourself, you cannot be honest with others.

Finally, I have to say something about your statement (and this really blew me away): _"I want my children to have everything, including their father in their lives. Not much is up to me at this point."_ *WTF???!!!* If you really cared about your kids and wanted to be with them, you wouldn't do these things. And how can you possibly say that it's not up to you at this point? Who is it up to, the Tooth Fairy? What kind of dream world do you live in?

Stop deceiving yourself. Accept the fact that what you have done is exactly what you wanted to do. Then decide what you really want (your exGF or your W and family) and do what you need to do to get it.

Basically, what I'm saying to you is: _*GROW UP.*_


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## ConstantMistake (Sep 22, 2013)

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate the time you all took. There are so many thoughts that were running through my head when I first wrote the post...that has not changed. 

Since Saturday morning, I have taken responsibility for what I have done. Taking the approach of 100% Honesty. Of course my wife had many questions which I answered and there are some that I dont know the answer to. "Why did I do this?" Therapy and time will guide me with this answer. I lost sight of everything that was important to me. What really hurts me is looking at my children. The innocence of them, knowing what a terrible thing I did. I am overwhelmed with guilt and the hurt that I caused them. I will have to live with this. 

My wife and I are not going to divorce, for the children's sake. I have contacted the ex-girlfriend, with my wife's guidance and permission to end all correspondence. I will move forward with my life as is. Taking pride and trying to be the best father from now on. Hopefully I will be able to regain some of the better qualities I previously had, I would like to show my wife that I can improve and be the man she married and the man she deserves. 

Again, thank you for the replies. I wish you all well. 
God Bless.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

ConstantMistake said:


> Thank you for the advice. I appreciate the time you all took. There are so many thoughts that were running through my head when I first wrote the post...that has not changed.
> 
> Since Saturday morning, I have taken responsibility for what I have done. Taking the approach of 100% Honesty. Of course my wife had many questions which I answered and there are some that I dont know the answer to. "Why did I do this?" Therapy and time will guide me with this answer. I lost sight of everything that was important to me. What really hurts me is looking at my children. The innocence of them, knowing what a terrible thing I did. I am overwhelmed with guilt and the hurt that I caused them. I will have to live with this.
> 
> ...


Dear ConstantMistake,

I'm very happy to hear about your resolve to start being honest with yourself and your BW and to try to fix your marriage. Please understand that this will be a lengthy and painful process for you both (although mostly for your BW). There will inevitably be set backs and the survival of your marriage cannot be assured despite your best efforts.

I would urge you to continue to post on TAM/CWI and to seek support and guidance here. Some of the messages you receive will seem hard, maybe exceedingly so, but, I assure you, those of us who take the time to respond do so because we want to help.

For now, I would urge you to be fully remorseful, honest and transparent with your BW:

- Do not offer excuses for your past bad behavior but rather apologize for it whenever it comes up (and it will, a lot).

- Answer all of her questions honestly and think hard about the ones you can't answer (most importantly, why you did this) until you can answer them.

- Take it upon yourself to ensure that she is aware of everything your are doing and who you are in contact with, rather than waiting for her to ask. Understand and accept that she will (and should) check up on you by various means to ensure that you follow through with you promises.

- If you screw up, confess immediately, don't wait for her to catch you.

- Do everything you can think of to prove that you love her but do not stop being the man in your family. This will be a hard line to walk but walk it you must if you want to eventually regain her love and respect. In this regard, I strongly advise you to read _"Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"_ by Athol Kay (The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life).

Wishing you and your family a happy outcome.


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Viseral said:


> Man up dude. The tone of your post implies that you somehow don't have control over this situation. You do.
> 
> Send a no contact letter to your ex. Have your wife look at it first. Throw your phone in the lake. Get a new one later with a new number. Dump your booz down the sink.
> 
> ...


WOW...sound advice!:iagree:


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