# Admitting when you're attracted to others



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I read in a thread by jld (not picking on her, just inspiration) that she tells her husband when she finds other men attractive. This is for the sake of transparency.

Does anyone here ever tell their SO that they find someone attractive so that they are being honest with them? So that the SO knows what's going on and that they would never act on a little attraction?

I don't mean people on TV or in movies but people in real life. jld talked about a contractor visiting their house.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My wife and I talk about attractive people often. Not that we are tempted but we don't think it is something to hide. I guess it does help with transparency though.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> My wife and I talk about attractive people often. Not that we are tempted but we don't think it is something to hide. I guess it does help with transparency though.


We are pretty much the same way.... I know what turns his head, he knows what turns mine, means basically nothing.. other than we're alive.. he is my best friend, I am his....we can freely talk about anything, everything...there is no disrespect either...he know's he's my #1 man...and feels that every day... this makes all the difference in this world...

I used to find one of his friends attractive...the one who helped him build his truck... back in the day... I was good friends with his wife..(well, they hooked up through one of MY hook ups)...

We laugh about it today...when we see him...he's got missing teeth, a beer belly, an alcohol problem and he's out of work.. and I think Shheeeshh.. glad I had my husband back then, cause I could have went for him.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Yes, SO always points out people he's attracted to. I don't so much, because I'm honestly not really attracted to many other guys, but I do point out girls that I think he'd find cute. 
I don't mind it; It's just a little bit of "eye candy" for him when we're out at the store or something. 

It's not really for the sake of being transparent, just more that we're bffs and it's ok to talk about that stuff in our relationship.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sure, we point out attractive people we see in public. I do it way more than he does. I point out women who I think look good. Usually he says "meh...you're better". It's not about reducing temptation. It's about making an observation and talking about it. No one's feelings get hurt and I know I'm not thinking of that person a few minutes later.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

My wife won't sleep with me ... but god forbid I ever said I thought somebody other than her was attractive  Hell has no fury ....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Honestly, nope. I know better.

If my wifee and I are watching TV and hot women are in a commercial, she sometimes gets mad and changes the channel.

I joke to her, see that country guy? He would pound you balls deep many times each day!!! I know she likes country and its to boost her confidence and you know what, it works for the most part because she gets a smile on her face. But then she comes back and says he wouldn't want me, (her body image isn't were she wants it yet) and I tell her, you are hot to me......she smiles.

Now this is the way I am but I dare not say, those ladies are smoking hot with her sitting there.....just a no no.

And there is a co worker that is smoking hot and another much older one, also smoking hot. It stays at work.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

My H is always asking me if I find this or that guy attractive- but only on TV, never dudes in real life. Most of the time honestly the dudes on TV do nothing for me so I never really have to feel guarded, so I am honest. 

If I did see or know someone I found super attractive I would keep it to myself though, and I would never act on it.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

My wife asked me why I don't look at her like that anymore and told her that when she starts looking like that again I will! 

If you want your life partner to look at you like a sexy sports car don't let yourself go until look like a rusted out old grain truck that got rolled over a few times.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Anytime you catch your SO checking out someone, commenting on someone and adding a slur, etc., they are talking about their attraction to others. I'd be concerned if they were not attracted to others. I would also be concerned if this talk was fairly regular. Once in a while, I think is normal. If it happens with any regularity, I think it's a sign of a need not being met. Better look into it, then.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is an awfully sore subject with a great many ....I feel we need so much attraction to our spouses / our Lovers....many refer to this as "the glue"...even as the yrs roll by, somehow we can still see our Lovers as on our wedding day somehow...

Maybe I am crazy...

This is how I feel....the physical attraction of others .....there is no emotional connection there, no gravity to pull us away....no memories shared....it's not enough to unshackle us from what we have.... so there is no threat...it's a very small thing...it is fleeting....purely..

The attraction itself may give a "Yes" in a "*Yes- smokin'* / *Hmmm Not too bad */ *Never!*" mind play in our heads....but really a plethora of other things about these stunning beauties or HOT Guys we may see, even know....may want us to shut that mental door anyway... Maybe even SLAM it !! 

So long as we have appropriate boundaries...careful to keep the emotional fires a blaze in our marriages...keep the flirting alive, validate one another...it makes it so much easier to be this transparent.. 

I am happy to see other similar answers as I near expected "Disrespect - Disrespect" / "that is so RUDE" / "are you crazy!" ....to be pounded here.. but it's just not always the case....if 2 has such a comfort level...this could take yrs to build I suppose... it's just not a big thing.... 

I can understand those who wouldn't invite it or want it though...not everyone likes their transparency THIS transparent!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)




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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> View attachment 16977


Made me think of this skit. 

Walking Farts - Larry the Cable Guy - YouTube


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Why a “Transparent Relationship” is the Key to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy | Psychology Today


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's never come up as I haven't been attracted to anyone else since I met DH. It would take a hell of a lot to get me to look twice tbh.

Just to add that I notice when a guy is good looking, but unless I know the whole package is attractive, I just don't care that they are good looking. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> My wife and I talk about attractive people often. Not that we are tempted but we don't think it is something to hide. I guess it does help with transparency though.


:iagree: My wife and I both "notice" other people.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

breeze said:


> It's never come up as I haven't been attracted to anyone else since I met DH. It would take a hell of a lot to get me to look twice tbh.
> 
> Just to add that I notice when a guy is good looking, but unless I know the whole package is attractive, I just don't care that they are good looking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For me, it is not usually, actually almost never, the look. It is the personality. When I feel good with someone, talk to him easily, am interested in the same things, the attraction is there.

It bothers me. But I understand it does not bother everyone.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

married tech said:


> My wife asked me why I don't look at her like that anymore and told her that when she starts looking like that again I will!
> 
> If you want your life partner to look at you like a sexy sports car don't let yourself go until look like a rusted out old grain truck that got rolled over a few times.


That's so , so very sad....Dh and I are high school sweethearts. We look NOTHING like we did in high school. He was captain of the football team and I was captain of the cheer squad. Ideal athletes in the day. Fast forward 25 yrs and we both have gained some weight but we both are hot for each other...DH is bald now and has a cute pot belly......and actually DH loves that my breasts went from a 34 c to a 38 FF and I am blonde now compared to my brunette days in high school. 

Most married couples who are in love accept the physical changes of the spouse.....sometimes they don't even notice them because they only see their beloved on their wedding day...I know I still see my DH as that HOT football player.....

As far as attractions to the OS.....Dh and I both read "EVERY MANS BATTLE and EVERY WOMANS BATTLE"....both books are about visual temptation.....I know DH is attracted to women and I like/love that....he knows what I like too.....After reading those books though we have learned how to "Bounce" our eyes.......


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> That's so , so very sad....Dh and I are high school sweethearts. We look NOTHING like we did in high school. He was captain of the football team and I was captain of the cheer squad. Ideal athletes in the day. Fast forward 25 yrs and we both have gained some weight but we both are hot for each other...DH is bald now and has a cute pot belly......and actually DH loves that my breasts went from a 34 c to a 38 FF and I am blonde now compared to my brunette days in high school.
> 
> Most married couples who are in love accept the physical changes of the spouse.....sometimes they don't even notice them because they only see their beloved on their wedding day...I know I still my DH as that HOT football player.....


... but if you or your husband was twice the weight you were when you got married? Just wondering ....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> ... but if you or your husband was twice the weight you were when you got married? Just wondering ....


I doubt I would feel very attracted to anyone overweight. Your wife is quite heavy, right?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Great point......I fell in deep love with my DH...his sense of humor captured me..If he was twice the weight I would still love him. ....and be attracted to him because it's HIM.....I would be very worried he might pass away due to health complications...


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jld said:


> I doubt I would feel very attracted to anyone overweight. Your wife is quite heavy, right?


Really??? Attraction is deeper than the surface...:scratchhead:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> Really??? Attraction is deeper than the surface...:scratchhead:


Oh, I would still love dh's inside. He has always been more or less the same weight, so I don't really know. 

And maybe I am just shalllow.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

JLD you are not shallow at all.....you are a wonderful woman....

I just look at my DH and still see that cute, young football player...IDK maybe I have been wearing the marriage goggles too long...

DH has captured every cell in my mind and body.......he is the best looking man I have ever seen....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> JLD you are not shallow at all.....you are a wonderful woman....
> 
> I just look at my DH and still see that cute, young football player...IDK maybe I have been wearing the marriage goggles too long...
> 
> DH has captured every cell in my mind and body.......he is the best looking man I have ever seen....


That is true love, over20.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Both of us are very lucky and blest women.......A good man is hard to find but easy to keep....their needs are sooo simple compared to ours...

Blessings


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jld said:


> I doubt I would feel very attracted to anyone overweight. Your wife is quite heavy, right?


Yes. She was overweight when we married and I was quite attracted to her. Now she is literally twice that and morbidly obese. 

Long story short, she's LD, years of rejection and unsatisfactory sex life, other issues and conflicts in the marriage as well, communication problems, emotional bond gone ... and now after all these years I look at her and see ... bleh! End result: long term sexless marriage.

It isn't that simple, of course. I still love her. We have a nice comfortable family life together. It has been a tough road to work through our problems. I want it to work and have invested a lot ... but at the end of the day, there is no intimacy and now I find myself not all that attracted to her most of the time (which works out fine for her).

That is why I was curious ... hair loss and pot belly is one thing ...

If we had always had a good sex life, were great at communicating and hadn't gone though all these issues then perhaps I wouldn't see her so objectively.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Good luck, JSGW. I don't know what else to say. Sexless marriage? Morbidly obese spouse? You are very patient.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jld said:


> Good luck, JSGW. I don't know what else to say. Sexless marriage? Morbidly obese spouse? You are very patient.


Nothing to say really that hasn't been said. It's basically come down to extricating myself from the marriage or accepting the loss of intimacy for the rest of my life. There's no easy path. Every once in awhile someone makes a comment, like over20, that makes me think.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> Both of us are very lucky and blest women.......A good man is hard to find but easy to keep....their needs are sooo simple compared to ours...
> 
> Blessings


Keep preaching it, sister.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Nothing to say really that hasn't been said. It's basically come down to extricating myself from the marriage or accepting the loss of intimacy for the rest of my life. There's no easy path. Every once in awhile someone makes a comment, like over20, that makes me think.


Can you elaborate? I am sorry If I offended you....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Nothing to say really that hasn't been said. It's basically come down to extricating myself from the marriage or accepting the loss of intimacy for the rest of my life. There's no easy path. Every once in awhile someone makes a comment, like over20, that makes me think.


I'm sorry, JSGW. Who wants those choices?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> Can you elaborate? I am sorry If I offended you....


No, you did not offend me at all. I admire that you would be able to find your husband attractive no matter what. That really says something about your relationship. It made me wonder why I can't. I think the reasons are clear and you alluded to it yourself ... in my case, the marriage goggles broke long ago.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

You are soooo wise.........It is so refreshing to meet women who love to be married


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> No, you did not offend me at all. I admire that you would be able to find your husband attractive no matter what. That really says something about your relationship. It made me wonder why I can't. I think the reasons are clear and you alluded to it yourself ... in my case, the marriage goggles broke long ago.


Can you think of a trigger that happened....mental or physical?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> You are soooo wise.........It is so refreshing to meet women who love to be married


Are you talking to me, over20? I was pretty disrespectful the last two days. 

But onward and upward!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Oh no.....you are NOT disrespectful by any means.....you have always spoken so highly of marriage and your role as wife and mother...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> Can you think of a trigger that happened....mental or physical?


A trigger? No, I think it was a long process over a 21 year marriage. Failings on both our parts. The lack of intimacy was part of the cause and result but certainly not the whole story. Our relationship deteriorated to the point that I separated from her 3 years ago after three and a half years of no intimacy of any kind. There were many issues; really too many issues to go into here but I will tell you lack of intimacy was NOT the reason I separated. At the time I believed it to be primarily her fault. I came to realize through MC just how much I contributed to our problems. I own that. We reconciled and have really had many positive things happen in our life. She went back to school and became certified to become a teacher, we get along better than we have for at least 10 years. The last of the issues is simply that we are roommates. She made it clear it wasn't important to her. She doesn't want to talk about it. I cannot have a conversation with her about it that she is willing to participate in. She knows that for me, it is an important part of marriage. Intimacy has been pretty much gone since I was in my mid to late 30's (I'm 46 now) and was lacking since my late 20's. It is hard to stomach giving up 21 years of marriage and a family life and all the good things that come with it ... and it is also hard to stomach essentially staying celibate for the majority of my adult life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> Oh no.....you are NOT disrespectful by any means.....you have always spoken so highly of marriage and your role as wife and mother...


Yeah, but I haven't always acted the part. What I should have done Friday was really talked to dh, really impressed upon him what I was feeling. Instead I just floundered. I just felt lost.

I have to say, though, starting that thread (he read it) really got his attention. And hearing other people's comments really impressed upon him how important it is to be attentive, too.

And I am going to make a plan for what I can do next time I feel a meltdown coming on. I'm going to be ready!

But anyway, thank you for your kind words . . . and right back at ya!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you sure you are going to be satisfied with a roommate situation at only 46?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

So you are still married to her?......I am so sorry to hear all of this...I am so sad for you......she is missing out also the gift of the love of a husband....why do you think she is so content on being roommates? I am only asking because most women want more from a man...


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

JLD....we all have a breaking point..and we all struggle...do not come down on yourself......we are only human...

Example...my DH works 2 jobs and is gone about 70 hrs a week...I miss him so much...and have some anger towards him that I have to care for 4 kids and a home all alone.....I know though that he hates being away so much too......for us tensions reach an all high about every 4 wks or so...and then we have an argument and get back on track....


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jld said:


> Are you sure you are going to be satisfied with a roommate situation at only 46?


No and it really bothers me that she seems to be ok with that. She's only 43 but from hearing her talk, we're an old married couple more likely to sit in rocking chairs on the front porch than be passionate in the bedroom. She KNOWS that I think it is a dealbreaker ... and yet, she just pretends everything is great. I'm in great shape ... still have all my hair ... still have my libido ... could pass for mid to late 30s ... I'm NOT that freaking old, lol.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Gosh I feel for you.....I know it might be a leap but could you share with her what you post here on TAM...maybe if she sees other women understanding your POV she might try to change?? IDK


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> So you are still married to her?......I am so sorry to hear all of this...I am so sad for you......she is missing out also the gift of the love of a husband....why do you think she is so content on being roommates? I am only asking because most women want more from a man...


Yes, we are still married. I separated to force the issue of change. Although I looked into it, I did not separate with the intention of divorce. We reconciled about a year later although we did spend a lot of time together during the separation. We live a very normal family life with two daughters ages 9 and 12. Breakfast and dinner every day as a family, homework/bedtime routine with the kids, etc, family night out, game night, etc.

I don't know really. I can't say that intimacy isn't important to her but sex definitely isn't. It isn't that she doesn't enjoy it when it happens, she just doesn't have a very high libido ... she doesn't "want" it and never has (she never masturbates for example). She had has issues with self-esteem for as long as I've known her and I think that is part of it. She avoids conflict like the plague and this isn't the only issue she turns blinders to. She would rather live with a situation she doesn't like than address it. We can't fix it if she isn't willing to even talk about it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear all of this.....did your wife have any childhood trauma? Her issues must stem from somewhere....

Most women do struggle with some type of body issue..this is normal.....why do you think she avoids conflict? I know I DO avoid conflict with my DH because in my past I never could get my point across to my parents or a friend/relative...so I decided to retreat my feelings to keep my heart safe.....


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> Gosh I feel for you.....I know it might be a leap but could you share with her what you post here on TAM...maybe if she sees other women understanding your POV she might try to change?? IDK


I have considered that; I'm undecided on it. Part of me thinks that I need a place to talk about these things privately. I wish I had a good sense for how she would react. If I felt strongly that she would engage in it then I would be enthusiastic about it. What I suspect and fear though is that she would shut down.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> I am so sorry to hear all of this.....did your wife have any childhood trauma? Her issues must stem from somewhere....
> 
> Most women do struggle with some type of body issue..this is normal.....why do you think she avoids conflict? I know I DO avoid conflict with my DH because in my past I never could get my point across to my parents or a friend/relative...so I decided to retreat my feelings to keep my heart safe.....


Divorced parents, alcoholic father. Essentially left to fend for herself and her sister as a child. She was raped as a teen and I have suspicions that more happened there. She definitely has a wall around her and I can't penetrate it after all these years. Even our marriage counselor picked up on it immediately and tried to work on that. She has gone to IC on and off for years to deal with the issues she has from her childhood. Early on she was convinced that our marital problems were entirely my fault and she had me come in to talk to her counselor to see if we needed MC. We talked and the counselor sent me home, telling my wife that she needed to focus on her childhood issues. So yes, there is a history.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Wow........I feel for her and more for you...we are all broken people...why do you think she is "stuck" so to speak...maybe she is deathly scared to move beyond what she is comfortable with?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> Wow........I feel for her and more for you...we are all broken people...why do you think she is "stuck" so to speak...maybe she is deathly scared to move beyond what she is comfortable with?


Can you clarify what you mean by "stuck"? I wanted to answer but I'm not 100% clear on the question.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am sorry..I meant that she might be scared to proceed with IC or MC or better communication with you for that matter...because it is more comfortable for her to stay "stuck" in her mind where she feels more in control of relationships. For example...for her to revisit the old memories and have to deal with it....and learn new behaviors might be to painful in her mind...so she is comfortable and content not dealing with it......there also might be a lot of shame that she carries.....shame that she shouldn't feel but does nevertheless...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

jld said:


> For me, it is not usually, actually almost never, the look. It is the personality. When I feel good with someone, talk to him easily, am interested in the same things, the attraction is there.
> 
> It bothers me. But I understand it does not bother everyone.


I was thinking that maybe my definition of being attracted to others is different to what people here mean.

I've met quite a few men who I think are good looking and have great personalities, but I wouldn't say I'm attracted to them, because that would imply, in my mind, an investment of emotion that went beyond friendship into sexual interest.

I guess, imo, being attracted to someone is different to thinking they are 'attractive'. The first implies an investment of emotion, the second simply describes the person.

"I'm attracted to your buddy" - that would be a no no
"He's cute/funny/nice" - yeah, just stating an opinion


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> I am sorry..I meant that she might be scared to proceed with IC or MC or better communication with you for that matter...because it is more comfortable for her to stay "stuck" in her mind where she feels more in control of relationships. For example...for her to revisit the old memories and have to deal with it....and learn new behaviors might be to painful in her mind...so she is comfortable and content not dealing with it......there also might be a lot of shame that she carries.....shame that she shouldn't feel but does nevertheless...


Aha ... good, I have a much better understanding of the question and it is a good one.

I have to be honest in that at this point, I am the one that has been hesitant about continued MC. In part, I think, because we should be at a place now where we are communicating about these things. I have to think about that more. She was effective at stonewalling the counselor and I felt like I was the only one who made progress during the whole experience. 

I don't think either of us were ready to be married when we did. I think she married me because I was "safe". In my eyes, she was perfect and I don't think anybody had made her feel that way before. I'm sure she would give many other reasons but I think deep down that was at the core of it. Of course, when the inevitable conflicts and disagreements happened, from her perspective, I no longer thought she was perfect. I think she blamed me for that and started putting up walls ... I was no longer safe. She didn't have the confidence to understand the difference between perfect and "perfect for me." Her defense mechanism from conflict was to shut down and wall herself off. She went through bouts of depression and eventually was put on meds. The early years of our marriage were very difficult; it was as if I could do nothing right. Intimacy was shot even then ... I remember having conversations 17,18 years ago with a good buddy of mine about the lack of sex in my marriage.

I think she DOES like to stay in her safe place and I'm sure that stems from her childhood. She is extremely religious and relies a great deal on faith. It's all according to god's plan. Whatever happens was meant to be. 

I don't know about shame. I don't think that shame is a factor for her. "Toxic shame", I think it's called. I think she has a fear of failure. I think fear of failure has a paralyzing effect on her and in some cases it is a motivating factor. For example, she is super mom and that is a direct reflection of her childhood. In fact, the deciding factor for me to separate was her unwillingness to send our children to school ... because she was homeschooling as a way to protect the children from the things that happen in public schools. She placed the children far above the marriage (and still does). She was doing a terrible job homeschooling and I was increasingly worried and ultimately angry that our kids were measurably falling behind. She refused to put them in school. When we talked about reconciliation, one of my "demands" was they would be put in school. My daughters, their education and social development are VERY important to me. It is my job as their father to prepare them for life. I was adamant about it. We worked it out and they have been in school now for a couple of years. It was a tough transition but now they are thriving ... straight A students. Oldest daughter is on the dance team and plays in the school's orchestra. Now my wife is a school teacher and does substitute teaching at my youngest daughters elementary school  Anyway, all of this behavior stems from her fear of being her mother ... someone who was absent and irresponsible. She took it to the opposite extreme.

I don't know what the answer is. My fear ... what I know deep down ... is that these issues will not only take a long time to make progress on but may not be completely resolved. Do I still want to be talking about this in 15 years when I'm 61 years old? It's pretty much too late at that point.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

breeze said:


> I was thinking that maybe my definition of being attracted to others is different to what people here mean.
> 
> I've met quite a few men who I think are good looking and have great personalities, but I wouldn't say I'm attracted to them, because that would imply, in my mind, an investment of emotion that went beyond friendship into sexual interest.
> 
> ...


Right. I mean I'm even willing to admit when a guy is attractive ... in the sense that they are a good looking guy, should have no problem with the ladies. I'm not gay, lol ... saying they are attractive does not mean I am attracted to them.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

She needs to deal with the mother issues........your beloved may never get to this point in IC........wow...I am just thinking of my own mother issues......you are a very loving and patient husband....and my own DH has mother issues of his own......marriage is sooo hard but also soo rewarding....always growing and changing....


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

breeze said:


> I was thinking that maybe my definition of being attracted to others is different to what people here mean.
> 
> I've met quite a few men who I think are good looking and have great personalities, but I wouldn't say I'm attracted to them, because that would imply, in my mind, an investment of emotion that went beyond friendship into sexual interest.
> 
> ...


I used to think this, but the truth is, if I think a woman is attractive, I do so for reasons that include she's sexy, which can only mean that I have considered her as someone I could have sex with if all conditions were right. Now, that would mean that I've only seen her and not talked with her. 

From what I have read, many women, if not most, will have to have some personal connection before they feel sexually attracted to someone. In other words, they won't consider him as a real possibility for sex unless there is an emotional connection, first. That means, they almost have to have an EA before there is a PA. Maybe that is what you mean? 

I think most men would look at a woman and determine she is visually attractive enough to be sexy long before there is enough converstation to be in a EA. 

If I talked with her and found that I was also attracted to her personality, that would be another step toward and EA. If I then made that a habit, and I started talking about my marriage(if I was), personal things, and not just a tv show or sports or the news, then that would be an EA. 

It's tough to explain, I think, when we are all different.

I'm not picking on you, at all. I just thought of this when I read your post and thought I would share my thoughts.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i guess im weird. i really see nothing wrong with pointing out other people who i find attractive. my wife is the same way. we rarely actually point out other people who are attractive to us, but whether they are male or female, we kinda view it as the same as if we were looking at pics on the internet. pretty much becomes a passing thought after a few seconds.

now, when it comes to females that i feel attracted to that i actually know or work with, yes. i tell my wife about them, and i also tell her my plan for minimizing contact with them. i dont want anything to ruin my marriage. so, i let my wife know whats going on so that she can hold me accountable.
plus, it makes it easier to hold myself accountable when she knows whats going on.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That's true, 2ntnuf.

If at some point I could say I was attracted to a man other than my husband, I would in fact be taking a step towards having an EA, because for me, attraction is more than a visual stimulation.

That's just me, not talking for every woman.

This is why I'm extremely careful with friendships with other men. If I was bisexual, I would also have to be extremely careful of my friendships with women.

So while some may see that me saying I haven't been attracted to another man may be denial etc because I don't want to see it, instead I would say it's because I'm very much aware of the dangers of allowing that sort of connection to develop and I guard against it.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> That's so , so very sad....Dh and I are high school sweethearts. We look NOTHING like we did in high school. He was captain of the football team and I was captain of the cheer squad. Ideal athletes in the day. Fast forward 25 yrs and we both have gained some weight but we both are hot for each other...DH is bald now and has a cute pot belly......and actually DH loves that my breasts went from a 34 c to a 38 FF and I am blonde now compared to my brunette days in high school.
> 
> Most married couples who are in love accept the physical changes of the spouse.....sometimes they don't even notice them because they only see their beloved on their wedding day...I know I still see my DH as that HOT football player.....


Ah but you are talking about a fairly equal change between you over a multi decade time frame. 

What I am referring to is when one of you changes very little over the years because they take care of themselves and the other basically sits and rots and does so over a rather short time frame. 

I have been out of high school for 21 years now yet since then I grew two inches taller and put on 30 pounds which in itself was mostly muscle mass and my body frame filling out. I was a 3/4 ton pickup in high school and now I am a 1 ton dually flatbed truck.
There were some changes but I at least still look like the person I represented 21 years ago. Just a bit more built and filled out. 

That said I can't count how many women I know from back then that were super hot sexy sports cars that today fit into my rusted out old grain truck analogy simply because they stopped putting an effort into keeping themselves up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Divorced parents, alcoholic father. Essentially left to fend for herself and her sister as a child. She was raped as a teen and I have suspicions that more happened there. She definitely has a wall around her and I can't penetrate it after all these years. Even our marriage counselor picked up on it immediately and tried to work on that. She has gone to IC on and off for years to deal with the issues she has from her childhood. Early on she was convinced that our marital problems were entirely my fault and she had me come in to talk to her counselor to see if we needed MC. We talked and the counselor sent me home, telling my wife that she needed to focus on her childhood issues. So yes, there is a history.


So sorry, JSGW. So sorry for your wife and you.

That is a lot to get past. But we have to try.

Will your wife let you hold her? Not for sex, but just for reassurance? Could you ask her for this?

If you could just start with that, a gesture of kindness, consistently given, it might lead to a breakthrough.

Have you ever just focused on loving her, just loving her, for a sustained period of time?

I think the book The Love Dare talks about this. Movealong, over on AP's thread in private, is doing this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't know what the answer is. My fear ... what I know deep down ... is that these issues will not only take a long time to make progress on but may not be completely resolved. Do I still want to be talking about this in 15 years when I'm 61 years old? It's pretty much too late at that point.


It sounds like the solution is to make her feel safe.

I still think the holding is a good idea. How about words of affirmation?

Consistent kindness could do wonders here.

Are you strong enough in yourself to be able to be kind to her and give to her for a long while, until she can start to feel safe and be able to open up to you?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think it's healthy to be able to do this. It's great that some couples are able to be this honest.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you not feel able to be transparent, richie?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think I would be able to do this, for a very short period of time because after awhile it would be thrown in my face. Plus it would be one way. My wife would claim she doesn't see any attractive people.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> I think I would be able to do this, for a very short period of time because after awhile it would be thrown in my face. Plus it would be one way. My wife would claim she doesn't see any attractive people.


Could you just commit to being transparent even if she throws it in your face? Could you decide to be this way just for yourself? Just letting go of her reaction to you? 

Even if she is lying, could you be truthful?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I wouldn't feel completely safe doing so, free of judgement. My wife is dealing with body image issues and low self esteem. It's absurd that she doesn't see attractive people only me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> I wouldn't feel completely safe doing so, free of judgement. My wife is dealing with body image issues and low self esteem. It's absurd that she doesn't see attractive people only me.


Could you do it without feeling totally safe? Could you do it knowing that it could change the dynamic between your wife and you? Could you just be brave that way? Because it does take courage. But anything worthwhile takes courage.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Right now we are finally getting stable in our marriage after 3 years of turmoil. Introducing this wouldn't be the best for us right now. But I absolutely think its a healthy. I would have zero issues if my wife would say to me that's a attractive man or woman. My wife on the other hand would see it as lusting after another person.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Another thing, richie: All women have body issues. All women have low self-esteem at one time or another.

Do you see the way the men talk here? And how they post pictures? How many women here do you think look like that? 

Why would we _not_ feel insecure about our bodies?

The answer, of course, is to look beyond the surface. I am getting a very low opinion of the men who do this. I think they are revealing a lot about themselves, and none of it good.

Love your wife through her challenges. Be strong when she is weak. Don't ask her to accept your truth without judgment. You don't need her approval. Don't look to her for that.

And when you stop needing it, you are likely to get it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Right now we are finally getting stable in our marriage after 3 years of turmoil. Introducing this wouldn't be the best for us right now. But I absolutely think its a healthy. I would have zero issues if my wife would say to me that's a attractive man or woman. My wife on the other hand would see it as lusting after another person.


I think the part that is healthy is being honest. When we are honest, we have something to work with. We can go up from there.

Aren't you glad she does not want to lust after another person?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

That's a whole another topic. But I have never seen men posting pictures of women in here. I find this site to be a safe place void of that. Maybe I just have not seen it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It's over on the Men's Clubhouse. The over 35 thread. I really wonder how many women over 35 look like that.

Try to affirm your wife. She has so many forces in society working against her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> Why a Transparent Relationship� is the Key to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy | Psychology Today


After this post last night.. I told my husband we have "*Radical Transparency*"... he said "what's Radical about it?"... when he hears that word, he thinks of Fundamentalist wacko religious person... for us, it's just normal.. I never even heard of that term till a couple yrs after I arrived here..someone put a Marriage Builders Link to it.... it's just always been our way..

The only area we missed it was.. in sex talk...cause some things seemed taboo to me.. but that's out of the bag now ...to a high degree.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That is great, SA. I need transparency from my dh. He is not a big talker and I have to hear more about what is in his heart. He just has to exteriorize more.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Never seen the thread. My wife is 35 and she is beautiful. I tell her every day. I work hard on improving our marriage. 
But when it comes to her body image issues and low self esteem I can only help so much. That has to come from within.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Never seen the thread. My wife is 35 and she is beautiful. I tell her every day. I work hard on improving our marriage.
> But when it comes to her body image issues and low self esteem I can only help so much. That has to come from within.


Yes. But all of your support does help her. And it prevents her issues from being worse.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I feel for her. For women it must be the worst. It prevents them from really enjoying their lives. Spending all the energy in worrying about what their weight is, how their bodies look,etc.
As a man I really can't fully understand but I do support her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Some men say that they feel this way with how much money they make. Do you think that is a fair comparison?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I could care less about money. I would rather be broke and happy than rich and unhappy.
My job, which I love, is just something I do, it doesn't define me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That sounds healthy. Do you think your wife could get to that point with her body issues? How?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Last 3 years she has been talking about getting a breast augmentation. After having 2 kids in 2 years she is unhappy with her breasts. I thought it would pass. I support her in whatever she wants. Financially we can pay to have them done. But I am scared of any surgery. I have told her before she goes through this we have to go see a MC for awhile. I want her to hear in front of a third party I love her, her body as it is now. That this has to be a decision she wants.
I don't think this will completely stop her body image issues but she has thought long and hard about this decision and I fully support her.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I only go out drinking with rugby functions. When I am out, it is not unusual that I will be propositioned by a girl (and the ones that like me tend to be very youg, 18-22, I am 37). When this happens, I always mention it to my wife, as the alternative is that she hears about a young girl that was "all over me" and knows that I have kept it from her.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Married tech.....

Oh....I do see the difference now...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Last 3 years she has been talking about getting a breast augmentation. After having 2 kids in 2 years she is unhappy with her breasts. I thought it would pass. I support her in whatever she wants. Financially we can pay to have them done. But I am scared of any surgery. I have told her before she goes through this we have to go see a MC for awhile. I want her to hear in front of a third party I love her, her body as it is now. That this has to be a decision she wants.
> I don't think this will completely stop her body image issues but she has thought long and hard about this decision and I fully support her.


If I were you, I would stand up and say No way! I love you, dw, just the way you are, and changing your breasts is ridiculous.

I hate advertising. It is making women hate their bodies.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

jld said:


> If I were you, I would stand up and say No way! I love you, dw, just the way you are, and changing your breasts is ridiculous.
> 
> I hate advertising. It is making women hate their bodies.


Year one I was like that. Now it's year 3. It's something she wants.
If I went to my wife and said I wanted a nose job for 3 years I would expect her to say I love your nose but I know this is something you want for yourself, so I support you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Year one I was like that. Now it's year 3. It's something she wants.
> If I went to my wife and said I wanted a nose job for 3 years I would expect her to say I love your nose but I know this is something you want for yourself, so I support you.


No, no, no! The right answer is I love you the way you are, and no way in he!! are you doing something like that! I would miss your beautiful breasts! Let me touch them!

And you do!

And then maybe you caress and kiss her and make love to her. That is what you do!

Stop the passivity!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> No and it really bothers me that she seems to be ok with that. She's only 43 but from hearing her talk, we're an old married couple more likely to sit in rocking chairs on the front porch than be passionate in the bedroom. * She KNOWS that I think it is a dealbreaker* ... and yet, she just pretends everything is great. I'm in great shape ... still have all my hair ... still have my libido ... could pass for mid to late 30s ... I'm NOT that freaking old, lol.


Consider that she does not know that it is a deal breaker because it is not one. Your actions have shown that it is not, so she understand that.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

jld said:


> No, no, no! The right answer is I love you the way you are, and no way in he!! are you doing something like that! I would miss your beautiful breasts! Let me touch them!
> 
> And you do!
> 
> ...


That would work for you but that advice would not work for everyone. Again this not a overnight issue.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Consider that she does not know that it is a deal breaker because it is not one. Your actions have shown that it is not, so she understand that.


How about another separation, JSGW?

You and your wife are my husband's and my ages. Sexlessness at our ages is beyond ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jld said:


> Tall Average Guy said:
> 
> 
> > Consider that she does not know that it is a deal breaker because it is not one. Your actions have shown that it is not, so she understand that.
> ...


I'm at work and I've seen the other posts but can't respond yet to them. Quickly though I suppose it is possible she doesn't think I'll follow through. I would have thought that my original separation would prove otherwise. Moving out, spending at least 35K in expenses, giving up being with my daughters full time. Terrible emotional and financial consequences. If that isn't serious then I don't know what is. It's either she doesn't take it seriously or she just doesn't want to deal with it because it's hard. I'm not certain. 

As far as sex goes, yes ... it is tough to deal with. It is tough to know that we've already missed out on what should have been our best years. Not that there are any guarantees but accepting that this is it ... that I will never have a sex life ... well, that puts a lump in my throat every time.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

So sorry, JSGW. I understand about the expense and missing the kids. So sorry.


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## birthdaysex (Feb 17, 2014)

I think to notice other people is one thing. We all do!
But to ogle, lust and fantasize about them is disrespectful
when you are in a relationship and that's what is 
hurtful to women whether it's done in front of her face
or behind her back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jld said:


> Tall Average Guy said:
> 
> 
> > Consider that she does not know that it is a deal breaker because it is not one. Your actions have shown that it is not, so she understand that.
> ...


I don't know if I can afford another separation. Not with my large mortgage, kids expenses, medical bills and her not working full time. I make a good living but it was really expensive the first time.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

birthdaysex said:


> I think to notice other people is one thing. We all do!
> But to ogle, lust and fantasize about them is disrespectful
> when you are in a relationship and that's what is
> hurtful to women whether it's done in front of her face
> ...


:iagree: This is the way my wife and I think about this too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't know if I can afford another separation. Not with my large mortgage, kids expenses, medical bills and her not working full time. I make a good living but it was really expensive the first time.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


How about being straight up with her about this? Just being totally transparent?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

birthdaysex said:


> I think to notice other people is one thing. We all do!
> But to ogle, lust and fantasize about them is disrespectful
> when you are in a relationship and that's what is
> hurtful to women whether it's done in front of her face
> ...


Okay, so I don't ogle and lust, but I feel my body physically reacting. Like getting really excited to see someone, or crying when I think of him. What do I do then?

I don't want to feel this way, by the way. And I cannot completely avoid men. I do not live in the Middle East.

I think more attention from dh would solve the problem in large part. That is the solution we are looking at, anyway. And I have always told him. That helps, but when he is just like, jld, you are just silly and have a big imagination, it doesn't help. I want him to get angry and tell me to stop it. And he seems to get that now.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jld said:


> JustSomeGuyWho said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know if I can afford another separation. Not with my large mortgage, kids expenses, medical bills and her not working full time. I make a good living but it was really expensive the first time.
> ...


I have several times. Very frank (but not accusatory) conversations. That is what's frustrating ... it is always one sided. She sits there and listens but offers nothing in return except .... 'ok'. She won't engage me in conversation about those things. The most she's offered in terms of what I can do better is to be on time for dinner ... ok, but not the feedback I'm looking for.

The other frustrating thing is that I'm the only one that seems to have an issue. Why is it that I'm the only one that seems interested in making our marriage better? I can't remember the last time she said ... you know, I don't like it when you do this ... or I'd really like it if you did this more often. I want to hear from her ... "I want X (whatever that is)" There is no connection there. She seems genuinely interested in having this family life; she appears outwardly happy and content most of the time ... but there is no us. There is her and the children ... and her and the family. 

Anyway, I need to remember that this isn't my thread (and that I'm at work, lol). I do appreciate all the thoughtful questions and feedback. 



_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I have pondered this question since yesterday. There is a big difference in being ATTRACTED to someone...and thinking they are attractive.
> 
> I tell my husband i think others are attractive...men and women...but that does not mean I am attracted to them. To me being attracted means I can't resist them or want a relationship with them...fantasy or reality.
> 
> For example.... my husband and I both think Stevie Nicks is beautiful ...but neither of us want to jump in bed with her. It would be silly to deny she is attractive. She is no threat to me.


I totally agree with you..... The question "do you tell your husband when you are attracted to someone else".??.... My answer would be no, because i never feel attracted to anyone.... Only him, to some they may find this weird, but in answer to the that question then i am telling the truth, and i feel exactly like you do.....

Like you say you cant deny it tho if somebody is genuinely attractive, but there is a difference.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I have several times. Very frank (but not accusatory) conversations. That is what's frustrating ... it is always one sided. She sits there and listens but offers nothing in return except .... 'ok'. She won't engage me in conversation about those things. The most she's offered in terms of what I can do better is to be on time for dinner ... ok, but not the feedback I'm looking for.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


It's a start. Just keep doing it. Don't let up on the transparency.

Have you talked to her minister?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

jld said:


> It's a start. Just keep doing it. Don't let up on the transparency.
> 
> Have you talked to her minister?


I haven't. She's actually between churches and actively shopping a new church with some friends that were part of the congregation from her former church. Her old church ended up shutting down and merging with another church that she isn't fond of.

Her former church shut down because her long time pastor was exposed for having a multi-year affair. Yikes! All the events he missed and time away that was supposed to be mission related ... was spent with his AP. Unreal.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Actually, it almost sounds typical, JSGW, sorry to say.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Attracted at the physical level by someone you see on the street or see as a neighbor that you see regularly and don't interact or at the emotional level by someone you come in contact with? 

Huge difference. There's some darned good looking people out there - esp if you live in places that have lots of 'em - and if you have a critical eye you can look around, it's harmless. Those people make life more, how to put it, visually interesting. When we're traveling to such places we often comment on others' appearance. Wifey does not mind. She even points out some and wonders what it took to look like that... And that we might be attracted to someone like them. We both agree it's harmless.

Taking action, tho, is a bit different. Not a good idea to be passing Cheek'd cards around


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## inthedoldrums (Feb 21, 2014)

The only thing I will say about this is you should always treat your wife as number one when you are with her. Call me 'old fashioned' but you have plenty of time to "look at other woman". When the two of you are together for an evening out etc. I think it's very important to just make it about her. Woman have enough to feel insecure about in life....the least you can do is keep your eyes on her when you are together. After all this is the person you will be spending the rest of your life with...she has to put up with all of your hang ups, don't you think she deserve the respect of your attention for a few hours?


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## lisad45 (Feb 21, 2014)

No I don't tell my husband. I've told him about a few men before I thought were attractive, and it didn't go well. lol My husband doesn't tell me either, even though I wouldn't really mind.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I just don't allow myself to feel "that" kind of attraction, period.

Physical attraction at a safe distance is meaningless.

Emotional/physical attraction to a specific individual who you have interaction with...this is something that is potential affair material, but is also avoidable. Or at least, if you feel a little spark, you can't shut it down by choice.

If I ever feel that little crush or tug or spark...I end my interactions with that person and move on, don't allow my mind to hang around them too much, and definitely do not allow that person into my life.

There really isn't anyone who compares with my H in my eyes or heart anyway...but if I did feel that attraction, I'd shut it off and therefore would have no reason to tell him anything.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

over20 said:


> Both of us are very lucky and blest women.......*A good man is hard to find but easy to keep....their needs are sooo simple compared to ours...*


Ugggg....

Reading TAM makes me so sad, yet hopeful.

If it's that simple, and it is, I can only come to the conclusion that my W just doesn't give a sh!t.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My man's needs are extraordinarily complex, nothing even close to the word simple.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If the attributes for causing the physical attraction are easily quantifiable they can be safely shared with your partner... And that's a benefit. 

But FW is correct, attraction from afar is more like appreciation, nothing like "attraction" the way we think it involving interaction.

Just because you're married or in a LTR it does not mean you've given up appreciating what others look like.


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