# I need to know if this is normal...



## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

The problem in a nutshell - I either forget something my wife told me or I failed to hear what she says. And when she calls me on it, she makes me feel like I'm an inch tall and the anxiety hits.

I try to listen, I really do. I love my wife. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I have always had a tough time focusing, even during school years. I guess I'm a stats kind of guy, I feel like I internalize about 98% of what she says. I guess I feel most wives would kill for a husband like that. I've tried lots of things. Turning off external things like TV's, etc. Using acupuncture and memory/focus supplements. But it never fails. I forget something she said and I get berated. I see other husbands do the same but I just wonder if their wives react the same way mine does. Is it normal for me to forget "one thing" every 2 weeks? Is it normal for a wife to berate a husband when he does forget? This is a HUGE issue in our marriage right now. I would very much appreciate your input.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You stated you even had trouble focusing when you were in school, maybe you have ADD? That is something that sometimes if not brought to the attention of parents or doctors then it will go undiagnosed. There are many people who have that and don't even know it. Perhaps go visit your doc and mention it. Tell them what you told us here.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

My wife would love it if I only forgot 1 thing in 2 weeks. It happens, doesn't mean you are not listening. Often time women say so much that it is impossible for most to remember everything. 

Even if it is a big deal you should never allow your wife or anybody else for that matter to berate you. Shut her ass down or just walk away.


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> My wife would love it if I only forgot 1 thing in 2 weeks. It happens, doesn't mean you are not listening. Often time women say so much that it is impossible for most to remember everything.
> 
> Even if it is a big deal you should never allow your wife or anybody else for that matter to berate you. Shut her ass down or just walk away.


You just gave me a good laugh, but there is no way I will be shutting her @ss down any time soon. I have told her politely that when she reacts to me forgetting a thing or two, that it hurts and raises my anxiety a lot, even to chest pains, and I am 42 in decent shape. She says she has the right to react however she wants since it's my fault. Here is where we differ. I'm not saying she should "blow it off", but she could just say politely "remember I told you this?", or "did you forget this". Key word politely. Because whe reacts that way in those situations, it shuts me down communication-wise. It makes me afraid to ask her anything for fear of how she'll react.


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

trey69 said:


> You stated you even had trouble focusing when you were in school, maybe you have ADD? That is something that sometimes if not brought to the attention of parents or doctors then it will go undiagnosed. There are many people who have that and don't even know it. Perhaps go visit your doc and mention it. Tell them what you told us here.


I've never been tested for ADD and would defintely do so if I thought I had it. I have a job that is very detail oriented that I accel in. I have to remember a lot of details, facts, schedules, etc. So I just don't think I have ADD. I just think it's the typical not listening to every detail. I have friends that do the same thing and I don't think their wives react that way when they forget something. My wife will be cold to me for the next 2 days because I asked her what she was doing after work. She claims she told me, but I forgot. I got berated again, now she'll be cold for 2 days and I sit here with chest pains....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

If that's her biggest issue, that you forget things, she's got it pretty dam good! I lived with a guy that used to forget things too. He used to forget to come home, forget that we had 2 small kids, and forget not to spend all the $$$.

I wonder if she'd like to trade you in for one like I had?


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

Start writing what she tell you to do down. Then do it. Try it out for about two weeks and see if she stops complaining. If she doesnt, then its jsut that she likes to be controlling.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

henry21 said:


> I've never been tested for ADD and would defintely do so if I thought I had it. I have a job that is very detail oriented that I accel in. I have to remember a lot of details, facts, schedules, etc. So I just don't think I have ADD. I just think it's the typical not listening to every detail. I have friends that do the same thing and I don't think their wives react that way when they forget something. My wife will be cold to me for the next 2 days because I asked her what she was doing after work. She claims she told me, but I forgot. I got berated again, now she'll be cold for 2 days and I sit here with chest pains....


Maybe that is why your wife gets upset - because she knows you don't forget things about work but can't remember things she said. It may make her feel that you don't consider what she said to be very important. 

On the other hand I don't agree that she has the right to react however she wants - not if the way she reacts is to berate you.

How long have the two of you been married? I'm wondering if she has always reacted this way or if it has been going on for so long that she is at her wits end.

And I think you should get tested for ADD regardless of your work. My sister has been diagnosed with adult ADD (she probably had ADD in school also). She is also in the medical profession. I asked her once how she could do the things she did at work and have such a hard time following routines at home. She thinks it is because at work everything is so regimented and she has strict procedures to follow. It is not that way at home. So I think you should consider talking to someone about the possibility of ADD.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It's normal to 'forget' things from time to time, and it's also normal for a woman to feel unimportant and become frustrated after having the same situation pop up over and over again. Wives need to know their husbands can be counted on and trusted! (She shouldn't "berate" you, but I get the sense that you might not be taking complete responsibility for your end.. Is it possible you are passive aggressive and you simply 'forget' things you don't want to do)? Have you tried keeping an appointment book or maybe a small notepad with you as a reminder of things you need to remember? Have you sought a diagnosis and treatment for a medical professional? Are you also forgetful at work? If you have memory problems you CAN be proactive, as you are well aware of your forgetfulness. Why not have some control and power over your forgetfulness instead of being content with it? It IS causing YOU as much distress as it causes HER. May I ask what exactly it is that you are forgetting, and how exactly she berates you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> If that's her biggest issue, that you forget things, she's got it pretty dam good! I lived with a guy that used to forget things too. He used to forget to come home, forget that we had 2 small kids, and forget not to spend all the $$$.
> 
> I wonder if she'd like to trade you in for one like I had?


I tell myself that all the time. In a big arguement a few weeks ago I actually said that to her. I tell you what I am not perfect. I don't cheat, don't spend money, support my kids 1000%. She has it tough in a lot of areas - very crappy sitatution at work (it used to be great for her), a very close relative of hers passed a few years ago, she has a medical issue that gives her pain from time to time. She used to be cheery. Not the case now. I don't feel I should pay for it though.


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

nene said:


> Start writing what she tell you to do down. Then do it. Try it out for about two weeks and see if she stops complaining. If she doesnt, then its jsut that she likes to be controlling.


I write things down all the time. Even sometimes after conversations where she tells me details, things I think I should recall later...


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

henry21 said:


> I write things down all the time. Even sometimes after conversations where she tells me details, things I think I should recall later...


Try smoking crack! Just playing. We all need good laughs at times like this. I think that you should set yourself reminders in your cell phone so they will sound an alarm and tell you what you need to do.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> Maybe that is why your wife gets upset - because she knows you don't forget things about work but can't remember things she said. It may make her feel that you don't consider what she said to be very important.
> 
> On the other hand I don't agree that she has the right to react however she wants - not if the way she reacts is to berate you.
> 
> ...





YinPrincess said:


> It's normal to 'forget' things from time to time, and it's also normal for a woman to feel unimportant and become frustrated after having the same situation pop up over and over again. Wives need to know their husbands can be counted on and trusted! (She shouldn't "berate" you, but I get the sense that you might not be taking complete responsibility for your end.. Is it possible you are passive aggressive and you simply 'forget' things you don't want to do)? Have you tried keeping an appointment book or maybe a small notepad with you as a reminder of things you need to remember? Have you sought a diagnosis and treatment for a medical professional? Are you also forgetful at work? If you have memory problems you CAN be proactive, as you are well aware of your forgetfulness. Why not have some control and power over your forgetfulness instead of being content with it? It IS causing YOU as much distress as it causes HER. May I ask what exactly it is that you are forgetting, and how exactly she berates you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes and Yes! My DH is the same way. He's a super smart guy but can't seem to remember stuff I've asked/told him repeatedly. It's like a slap in the face every time he "forgets".


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

henry21 said:


> I tell myself that all the time. In a big arguement a few weeks ago I actually said that to her. I tell you what I am not perfect. I don't cheat, don't spend money, support my kids 1000%. She has it tough in a lot of areas - very crappy sitatution at work (it used to be great for her), a very close relative of hers passed a few years ago, she has a medical issue that gives her pain from time to time. She used to be cheery. Not the case now. I don't feel I should pay for it though.


Maybe the same could be said on her side. Does she cheat? Does she spend a lot of money? Does she not support your kids? Sure it could always be worse. But that doesn't mean you get to pass on trying to make it better.

I'm not trying to excuse her behavior at all. I'm just trying to suggest a wife's perspective so maybe you can get to the root of why she is so not cheery any more.

Could she be suffering from depression? When my depression hits, I get angry about stuff really easily.


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

:scratchhead:


YinPrincess said:


> It's normal to 'forget' things from time to time, and it's also normal for a woman to feel unimportant and become frustrated after having the same situation pop up over and over again. Wives need to know their husbands can be counted on and trusted! (She shouldn't "berate" you, but I get the sense that you might not be taking complete responsibility for your end.. Is it possible you are passive aggressive and you simply 'forget' things you don't want to do)? Have you tried keeping an appointment book or maybe a small notepad with you as a reminder of things you need to remember? Have you sought a diagnosis and treatment for a medical professional? Are you also forgetful at work? If you have memory problems you CAN be proactive, as you are well aware of your forgetfulness. Why not have some control and power over your forgetfulness instead of being content with it? It IS causing YOU as much distress as it causes HER. May I ask what exactly it is that you are forgetting, and how exactly she berates you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting you'd mention all of these things. My mother has dimentia. She's only 70 and cannot speak and does not know who anyone is anymore. Because of this I get paranoid sometimes, is it happening to me? I have a relative in the medical profession and he assures me I do not have a "condition". By the way going to a dr. to get tested for ADD or other mental condition isn't something you can just go do. There are ramifications. One is insurance. That's another convo. Anyways, using this morning's example, I asked her if she was going to a certain event after work today and she goes off on me. Very demeaningly saying "I have told you that! You just aren't listening to me!" And then will go into specifics. Not yelling, but raised voice, stern look, then won't talk to me the rest of the morning, won't look at me. If I try to touch her she jerks away. As I'm thinking to myself, what about the 1000 other things I DID remember this week and follow through with? Does that count for nothing? Why do the things I occassionally forget TOTALLY cancel out everything I do for her and my family? Frustrated...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

henry21 said:


> I tell myself that all the time. In a big arguement a few weeks ago I actually said that to her. I tell you what I am not perfect. I don't cheat, don't spend money, support my kids 1000%. She has it tough in a lot of areas - very crappy sitatution at work (it used to be great for her), a very close relative of hers passed a few years ago, she has a medical issue that gives her pain from time to time. She used to be cheery. Not the case now. I don't feel I should pay for it though.


BTW - in our house, I'm the one that forgets. It's strange, too, because I forget stuff like appointments, obligations or what I was going upstairs to do - but I remember all the things Hubby has told me about life before me or about people from his work. If I'm supposed to stop and pick up milk, I will forget. Wine, however...different story!


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

wemogirl said:


> Maybe the same could be said on her side. Does she cheat? Does she spend a lot of money? Does she not support your kids? Sure it could always be worse. But that doesn't mean you get to pass on trying to make it better.
> 
> I'm not trying to excuse her behavior at all. I'm just trying to suggest a wife's perspective so maybe you can get to the root of why she is so not cheery any more.
> 
> Could she be suffering from depression? When my depression hits, I get angry about stuff really easily.


She is a very stubborn, proud person. I have suggested marriage counseling to deal with our issues. No. I am taking a couple of natural mood enhancers. I suggested she try them. No.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Look, if you keep playing the 'victim' role you will never improve yourself because you are excusing your behavior. Since it seems your memory is selective I think you should do what it takes to make YOU well. Counseling may be helpful. There are things you can be doing to have power over the situation instead of possibly asserting control in a passive, counterproductive way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Look, if you keep playing the 'victim' role you will never improve yourself because you are excusing your behavior. Since it seems your memory is selective I think you should do what it takes to make YOU well. Counseling may be helpful. There are things you can be doing to have power over the situation instead of possibly asserting control in a passive, counterproductive way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have taken steps to improve my memory and attention and focus. It's not like I'm not trying. I am. I am just tired. I don't want to go through the rest of my life knowing that whenever I forget something (and I will invariably forget something), that I'll get "the treatment" again. Over and over and over. Life is too short. I will not do it. Weird. Just as I sit here the radio plays "Maybe we're not meant to be". I don't want to end it, but it has GOT to change. She has to learn to be happy and accept EVERYONE'S faults, not just mine. It's the kids too. If they don't do a chore, don't do well on assignment, etc., not only does she let the kids hear it, but she gets in that mood, and then blames ME for it.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

The only thing you can change is yourself, and by changing yourself you force her to adapt as well. You've shot down going for help and continue to blame her. She is your mirror. Look deeply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> The only thing you can change is yourself, and by changing yourself you force her to adapt as well. You've shot down going for help and continue to blame her. She is your mirror. Look deeply.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not blaming her for anything. I appreciate your words, I really do, but I have tried and tried to change. I think I have gotten better at listening and following through. But I will never be perfect. I am making a legitimate effort in this thing. I don't understand people's need to be heard 100% of the time. It's like an obsession with some people. If you don't hear every word I say then you have a problem!! Hell I see people all the time forget things that I say to them. I know it's just a part of the human condition. I know it's not because they don't care about what I am saying. It just happens. I don't get mad about it. I could give you examples of things she has forgotten. In fact I have told her that, that I don't treat her like that when she forgets things. We've been married 20 years. I wish she'd be a little more Jimmy Buffet and a little less, I don't know. I just want her to kick back and enjoy the blessings and all the good that life can be. Not just focus on the little things that she can't control that make her unhappy.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

henry21 your wife sounds like a nag. A fault finding nag. I really don't think there's anything you can do about that (short of telling her off and walking away when she starts harping) and she's convinced that you're the problem. As I keep reading your posts it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself of the same. I don't think it's you so much as it is her and her *****iness.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If someone continually berated me, whether it was justifiable or not, then I would be so "off focus" and afraid of what the other person would do or say/react, that I probably would forget what they said out of fear. She needs to work on her response to you. This just isn't about you forgetting, its also about how she reacts.


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## nene (Oct 3, 2011)

trey69 said:


> If someone continually berated me, whether it was justifiable or not, then I would be so "off focus" and afraid of what the other person would do or say/react, that I probably would forget what they said out of fear. She needs to work on her response to you. This just isn't about you forgetting, its also about how she reacts.


So TRUE!


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

trey69 said:


> If someone continually berated me, whether it was justifiable or not, then I would be so "off focus" and afraid of what the other person would do or say/react, that I probably would forget what they said out of fear. She needs to work on her response to you. This just isn't about you forgetting, its also about how she reacts.


She just doesn't see that. She just needs to understand that I am trying. And that when I make mistakes she needs to react differently. Her reaction hurts me, puts herself in a hell bent mood for hours and sometimes days on end, and the whole house suffers. It happens with the kids too. My kid is a straight A student. Has good friends, swears he doesn't drink or do drugs, is a good athlete. So just a damn good kid. But it's never enough with my wife. he forgets things now and then, like chores, and she reacts the same way and we all suffer.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

There's none so blind as those who will not see.

In other words... You cannot make someone pay attention to something that he or she does not want to notice.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

henry21 said:


> She just doesn't see that. She just needs to understand that I am trying. And that when I make mistakes she needs to react differently. Her reaction hurts me, puts herself in a hell bent mood for hours and sometimes days on end, and the whole house suffers. It happens with the kids too. My kid is a straight A student. Has good friends, swears he doesn't drink or do drugs, is a good athlete. So just a damn good kid. But it's never enough with my wife. he forgets things now and then, like chores, and she reacts the same way and we all suffer.


I have known people too, that have that "Its never enough attitude", let me tell you, it drains you! Its a terrible way to be. Basically no matter what you or anyone else does or says it will never be good enough. That just doesn't sound like a good or healthy way to live. 

Most of the time when people like that will NOT see how they are being regardless of what you say or do, then sometimes drastic measures have to be taken, and even then its no guarantee. Shes controlling and manipulative. You may have to put your foot down harder because telling her how you feel apparently isn't working. Most people who love to control and manipulate do so to people that they know will do nothing to them or about the situation, thats probably why its still going on the way it is.


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> There's none so blind as those who will not see.
> 
> In other words... You cannot make someone pay attention to something that he or she does not want to notice.


Ya so then what the heck should I do? Right now I just plan on living with it. I don't want to break up my family. She won't do counseling. She won't let down on things. I'll just live with the anxiety I guess (and it gets pretty high sometimes). This problem has driven a wedge so deep that we don't hardly talk. She sleeps in another bed. I get no affection, we have no sexual relations. I'd kill for one damn hug or smile every day. I've told her that too, but no. We used laugh and joke, hug, smile. No longer. I'd like to have sex but I don't know where to start. That is down the line. I get so jealous when I see other couples in public getting along so famously.


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

trey69 said:


> I have known people too, that have that "Its never enough attitude", let me tell you, it drains you! Its a terrible way to be. Basically no matter what you or anyone else does or says it will never be good enough. That just doesn't sound like a good or healthy way to live.
> 
> Most of the time when people like that will NOT see how they are being regardless of what you say or do, then sometimes drastic measures have to be taken, and even then its no guarantee. Shes controlling and manipulative. You may have to put your foot down harder because telling her how you feel apparently isn't working. Most people who love to control and manipulate do so to people that they know will do nothing to them or about the situation, thats probably why its still going on the way it is.


A few months ago I blew up and had enough. I told her I couldn't take it anymore, was driving away. She convinced me to come back to the house to talk. We didn't really fix anything, but I ended up staying of course. But do you think she got the message of what my feelings were? You would think it would a wake up call for her to take inventory on how she's treating me. But things haven't changed really. Her behavior hasn't changed. She doesn't think she has to change anything. I am at LEAST trying to improve. She just says that she has a right to feel what she's feeling. She says I am pig headed. If I ever said that to her she'd just go off (who is the pig headed one again??). Man this sucks. I want it to work so bad but it's been almost 3 years now in the pattern.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"I will just live with the anxiety I guess (and its gets pretty high sometimes) this problem has driven a wedge so deep that we don't hardly talk. She sleeps in another bed. I get no affection we have no sexual relations. Right now I just plan on living with it." 

Why? What are you staying for? What is keeping you there? Surely not you kid.(s) I mean why would you want your kids to learn this type of behavior? This isn't a marriage. If you choose to stay, (which yes is your choice) then you really can't complain about why your wife is doing what shes doing. She knows exactly what she is doing. Even though you can't control what she does or says or how she acts, YOU can control yourself and how you handle things. If you really wanted to see a change in your marriage you would be the one to help make that happen, because she isn't going to. So things must not be that bad.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

henry21 said:


> Ya so then what the heck should I do? *Right now I just plan on living with it.* I don't want to break up my family. She won't do counseling. She won't let down on things. I'll just live with the anxiety I guess (and it gets pretty high sometimes). This problem has driven a wedge so deep that we don't hardly talk. She sleeps in another bed. I get no affection, we have no sexual relations. I'd kill for one damn hug or smile every day. I've told her that too, but no. We used laugh and joke, hug, smile. No longer. I'd like to have sex but I don't know where to start. That is down the line. I get so jealous when I see other couples in public getting along so famously.



Obviously you resent her, and that's understandable, but until you choose another option for yourself than the bolded above, it is what it is. 

I don't believe in complaining endlessly about a problem and doing nothing to fix it. I realize I can only control myself, so if I want resolution, then I'm responsible for that.


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> "I will just live with the anxiety I guess (and its gets pretty high sometimes) this problem has driven a wedge so deep that we don't hardly talk. She sleeps in another bed. I get no affection we have no sexual relations. Right now I just plan on living with it."
> 
> Why? What are you staying for? What is keeping you there? Surely not you kid.(s) I mean why would you want your kids to learn this type of behavior? This isn't a marriage. If you choose to stay, (which yes is your choice) then you really can't complain about why your wife is doing what shes doing. She knows exactly what she is doing. Even though you can't control what she does or says or how she acts, YOU can control yourself and how you handle things. If you really wanted to see a change in your marriage you would be the one to help make that happen, because she isn't going to. So things must not be that bad.


I am staying for my kids yes, and the memory of how it used to be with my wife. But it's been 3 years. I know that if I confront her with what I think are logical steps or solutions, she will see that as an attack and it will probably be over. Honestly it would all be ok if she would react differently, loosen up a little, and gave me just a hint of affection daily. I know that if we didn't have kids that I would more easily confront her and suggest things. But even a marriage that is not perfect is a better model for kids than divorce IMO.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

henry21 said:


> I am staying for my kids yes, and the memory of how it used to be with my wife. But it's been 3 years. I know that if I confront her with what I think are logical steps or solutions, she will see that as an attack and it will probably be over. Honestly it would all be ok if she would react differently, loosen up a little, and gave me just a hint of affection daily. I know that if we didn't have kids that I would more easily confront her and suggest things. But even a marriage that is not perfect is a better model for kids than divorce IMO.


It boils down to whatever you feel is best for you and your kids. Coming from a broken home, or remaining in a broken home. 

I'm not saying divorce is the answer, but leaving and getting away for awhile with the kids could help. It could send her the strongest message of all, that you are serious and have had enough. I think she thinks your words on how you feel are nothing more than that, just words. She probably views you as a doormat who will do nothing, and in the mean time she can continue on with her behavior.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

henry21 said:


> I am staying for my kids yes, and the memory of how it used to be with my wife. But it's been 3 years. I know that if I confront her with what I think are logical steps or solutions, she will see that as an attack and it will probably be over. Honestly it would all be ok if she would react differently, loosen up a little, and gave me just a hint of affection daily. I know that if we didn't have kids that I would more easily confront her and suggest things. *But even a marriage that is not perfect is a better model for kids than divorce IMO.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> I have a real problem with this.
> 
> ...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> henry21 said:
> 
> 
> > I am staying for my kids yes, and the memory of how it used to be with my wife. But it's been 3 years. I know that if I confront her with what I think are logical steps or solutions, she will see that as an attack and it will probably be over. Honestly it would all be ok if she would react differently, loosen up a little, and gave me just a hint of affection daily. I know that if we didn't have kids that I would more easily confront her and suggest things. *But even a marriage that is not perfect is a better model for kids than divorce IMO.[/*QUOTE]
> ...


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> Often time women say so much that it is impossible for most to remember everything.


If I weren't a guy, I'd say you were being sexist here.


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> It boils down to whatever you feel is best for you and your kids. Coming from a broken home, or remaining in a broken home.
> 
> I'm not saying divorce is the answer, but leaving and getting away for awhile with the kids could help. It could send her the strongest message of all, that you are serious and have had enough. I think she thinks your words on how you feel are nothing more than that, just words. She probably views you as a doormat who will do nothing, and in the mean time she can continue on with her behavior.


There are so many layers to this it's not even funny. I used to love how we got along. If we could get back to that, great. I'll throw this out there, we have nothing in common. Literally. I like music, sports, exercise, other stuff. She doesn't get into any of that stuff. In fact she really has no hobbies, which is totally unfortunate. I wish she did, I'd be glad to have some interest in a hobby of hers. The only thing that is on her mind 24 hours a day is the kids and her work. Nothing else exists. She doesn't get into talking about music, sports, etc., but at least we used to talk about other things not related to the kids or her work, which is almost always negative. I have women friends who I can freely talk to about that kind of stuff and it just makes me wonder sometimes. Not about being unfaithful, but how it would be if she liked the things I did and enjoyed talking about them. Nope. I guarantee you tonight when I go home I'll find out about something I didn't do or something the kids didn't do.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Your title was, "I need to know if this is normal." 

I guess it doesn't matter if it is or not correct? Regardless if people say her behavior is normal or not, you have chosen to stay. 

So sit back and enjoy the ride of the continual berating, and controlling behavior. Besides your kids will think its normal. If this is all they see and hear, and know no different, then this is their and will be their life. And if its all you feel you can provide for them and there is no other alternative, then so be it.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

henry21 said:


> Ya so then what the heck should I do? Right now I just plan on living with it. I don't want to break up my family. She won't do counseling. She won't let down on things. I'll just live with the anxiety I guess (and it gets pretty high sometimes). This problem has driven a wedge so deep that we don't hardly talk. She sleeps in another bed. I get no affection, we have no sexual relations. I'd kill for one damn hug or smile every day. I've told her that too, but no. We used laugh and joke, hug, smile. No longer. I'd like to have sex but I don't know where to start. That is down the line. I get so jealous when I see other couples in public getting along so famously.


Jeez....don't quite know how to say this, but it seems to me that maybe your wife is the one with the problem here...nothing is ever good enough? Usually people make the great realization that yes, it was good enough, after it's already gone.


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## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

I would attribute it to an attention problem. You aren't purposely ignoring your wife. A lot of adults simply develop attention problems and in more serious cases, ADD. I would speak to your Doctor about it.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

henry21 said:


> I know that if I confront her with what I think are logical steps or solutions, she will see that as an attack and it will probably be over.


I have taken the tact of telling my wife up front how I anticipate her reacting to something that might be taken as criticism - but intended to be constructive. For example, "I am going to bring up this point, and if you choose to give me the cold shoulder, not talk to me, withhold sex, be less affectionate, that is your choice. However, I feel that this issue is too imporatant not to bring up and I will live with the consequences. If you think I am exaggerating or not correct or disagree, please tell me so we can discuss . . ." Then let it rip. For us, this has thrown wide open the communication and put the fears, resentments all on the table. But, be prepared to live with the consequences of her reactions. As someone else said, you can control your actions/reactions, but not hers.



henry21 said:


> Honestly it would all be ok if she would react differently, loosen up a little, and gave me just a hint of affection daily.


Tell her this.



henry21 said:


> I know that if we didn't have kids that I would more easily confront her and suggest things.


Why's that??


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

jayde said:


> *I have taken the tact of telling my wife up front how I anticipate her reacting to something that might be taken as criticism - but intended to be constructive. For example, "I am going to bring up this point, and if you choose to give me the cold shoulder, not talk to me, withhold sex, be less affectionate, that is your choice. However, I feel that this issue is too imporatant not to bring up and I will live with the consequences. If you think I am exaggerating or not correct or disagree, please tell me so we can discuss . . ." Then let it rip.* For us, this has thrown wide open the communication and put the fears, resentments all on the table. But, be prepared to live with the consequences of her reactions. As someone else said, you can control your actions/reactions, but not hers.
> 
> Tell her this.
> 
> ...


WIN :smthumbup:

I absolutely love that approach. I'm glad it's working for you!!


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## henry21 (Oct 4, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> WIN :smthumbup:
> 
> I absolutely love that approach. I'm glad it's working for you!!


I could try this but I could see it backfiring. She would just say I'm pig headed. Don't forget, I am the one with the problem (in her eyes)...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

henry21 said:


> I could try this but I could see it backfiring. She would just say I'm pig headed. Don't forget, I am the one with the problem (in her eyes)...


At this point I wouldn't care and throw it out there anyway. You can't do any worse than you are right now.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> At this point I wouldn't care and throw it out there anyway. You can't do any worse than you are right now.


Absolutely correct!!! If things are so bad, you have nothing at all to lose and only your self-respect to gain. 

Win:Win


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

The fact that you are afraid of her is your biggest problem. I used to have this problem. My wife will be the first one to tell you that she is the craziest of the crazies. Eventually you need to not give a sh!t what her reaction is and make her respect you. If she begins to berate you tell her "I said I was sorry, I will work on it, THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER". If she keeps going, just walk away. If she follows, then leave. She needs to understand that she needs to respect you.


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