# So sad that I have to post here...



## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Hi all, I had begun posting here a few months ago about my husband's distant behavior and his apparent readiness to end our marriage for no reason. Well, about two months ago he finally confessed to me a brief affair that he had a few months before. 

Since this time we have been working on things and it has been very difficult but in some ways it has been very good. He moved out briefly after he confessed everything but then became so depressed that he begged me to let him come back. Yes, he was living by himself which made it that much harder for him.

Lately I have been lurking here reading other posts because at first it was simply too difficult for me to read about about anyone else in a similar situation. However, I must be becoming stronger and be healing at least a little bit. Some of what other posters have written here sound eerily familiar. 

I guess I can be a little bit thankful that my situation wasn't as bad as it could have been. Fortunately, my husband didn't repeat his mistake (the physical part) after one disastrous time. Of course, it was with a colleague as so often happens but this person lives far away from where we live. In my situation, I didn't suspect anything because my husband was always home and even though he was distant and acting like a complete a%% toward me he was still coming home and being dependable like he always was. 

I can't figure out now which is worse-the physical part or all the phone calls/emails/text messages that occurred for months afterward. It started out as a friendship and I never had a problem with my husband being friends with women- that somehow turned inappropriate. 

My husband said he never loved "her" and never had plans to leave me for her. He had become unhappy in our marriage and yes, we had some problems but I didn't think it was anything that bad. I tend to believe him because I felt that he had always loved me-no matter how bad things got I never sensed that his feelings for me had changed. 

I'm glad he confessed instead of me finding out the hard way somehow--although by the time I got the next month's cell phone bill I would have known for sure if he hadn't already told me. His behavior had become so strange that I pretty much figured out a lot of things. 

How do I get past this? I still love him and he still loves me-more than ever. It was like my husband of 18 years turned into a stranger for 4 months and then turned back into himself again. He wants so badly for our marriage to work and is trying everything to save it. This was the same thing I did for months while he put me through the worst months of my life. I would like to save my marriage but the pain and betrayal is almost more than I can bear sometimes. 

The funny thing is that I can't figure out which is the worst part: the physical betrayal, all the phone calls and his emotional distance from me, or the awful things he told me when he kept saying our marriage was over. He keeps saying that he thought by trying to push me away that he was protecting me somehow. Yeah, right. 

The only thing he didn't do too much of was lie to me during the whole thing. It was like once he crossed the line, he tried to just completely shut down emotionally. I don't know...every situation like this is different but if anyone here has ever been in something like this please let me know what happened in your case.

I still love my husband and I think he is a good guy but he made a horrible mistake that I keep having to pay the emotional price for. He has ended the whole friendship (and despite everything, it really was just a bad friendship) once I played hardball with him. He is totally devoted to me and is willing to do anything to stay with me...

Thanks for reading!


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hi there,
So sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm new to the forums. I don't know if this helps but I know the feeling of having a cold distant husband who wants to suddenly end your marriage. Mine had what I believe now was an emotional affair with a colleague. Don't know if it was ever physical but it still hurts just the same. Watching him pull away from me, becoming a different person is really hard. We were together for 16 years, married for 10. We got together at 18. He ended up leaving me 4 months ago moved to a different city and as far as I know is living his dream? We haven't spoken for two months. Have no children, thank god and are legally separated. Got the papers two weeks before Christmas. Nice present huh? We also had minor problems in the marriage but nothing I felt what would cause a divorce. I was devastated when he left. I think you said you are trying to work things out. Good luck to you. 

I was going to try to do the same but my husband didn't give us a chance. He's not very happy with himself which is why I felt he made a lot of poor choices. I know now him leaving was a blessing to me. I don't think we can ever work things out. I see divorce the only option. It is hard to get over but maybe you can go to councelling, if he's willing. You're probably thinking if he's done this once he might again. I know I would be. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Therapy on your own might be good for you as well. I started psychotherapy 5 months ago. Best thing I have EVER done for myself. Got a referral from my family doctor. Take care of yourself.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Yes, we are in counseling now. I have/had been going by myself before because the demise of my marriage was so hard on me. My husband and I briefly tried couples counseling several months ago but because he was hiding so much from me it was a disaster. We fought horribly after those first sessions. Even our counselor didn't suspect my husband of having an affair. 

Good luck to you in your situation with your husband. While I don't like to lump people-men in this case-all into the same category--I will say that men often get to a point where they think they want something else--a new relationship, a different, more exciting life or whatever. They leave their old lives behind and then suddenly wake up and realize what they have lost. Sometimes it can be fixed because it's not too late-I'm hoping this is the case for my husband and me-but sometimes it is too late. I wish you the best of luck and the wisdom to make the right choice for yourself for your future.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

We all feel your pain I am sorry to hear about this. I know thats the last thing that you want to hear. You probably want to hear worst stories then yours so you feel somewhat better in this whole situation. The bottem line is that you love him and he loves you. You have been with each other for a very long time. I think that EVERY marriage goes through a funk like this and people get lost one way or another and when you have a man or women that will mend that something they think they lost it happends. But if you want it to work it will work it will be hard but you can do it. think about it if every single couple divorced over infidelity 75% of marriages would be done.


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## shscaptain1234 (Feb 3, 2009)

wow..your story is so much like mine! My husband cheated on me with a work collegue that was "just a friend"...they just got close and the closer they got, the more distant he got with me. They only had sex a couple of times (the first time was really disasterous too)...but they were emotionally close.

I don't know which is worse either...the sexual part or the emotional part. The fact he could be that close to another woman eats me alive.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Yes, unfortunately I think these types of situations happen a lot. In my case, I think it is the actual physical infidelity that is the worst part for me. It took me awhile to come to that conclusion but even though my husband had some type of "attachment" to this other person--it really was some sort of dysfunctional friendship more than anything else. And I never had trouble with my husband being friends with women.

When my husband confessed everything to me, one of my first questions was, "do you love this person?" He said that he "had feelings for them," which in my mind could mean anything. As he has figured things out in in his own mind since then, he came to realize he had felt nothing for her other than friendship. Later, when I insisted that it was either this "friendship" with her or a marriage to me, he ended everything and admitted such an overwhelming sense of relief NOT to talk to her. Some time has gone by now and when he says when he does hear her on a conference call at work he says just the sound of her voice makes him almost sick.

So, in my case my husband wasn't truly emotionally involved with this person. My husband says he has figured out she was almost a "crutch" or just someone for him to talk to as he tried to figure out how to work things out with me.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So, in my case my husband wasn't truly emotionally involved with this person. My husband says he has figured out she was almost a "crutch" or just someone for him to talk to as he tried to figure out how to work things out with me.[/QUOTE]

WOW same thing for me my husband basically used her cause he knew that she would do it and he figured that he would know what he wanted by kissing her.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Just wanted to give a quick update...

My DH and I have spent more time, especially recently, discussing OUR relationship rather than his mistake. As we have talked (and we have talked for endless hours about everything) I have come to the conclusion that what he did was more the result of a failure of some aspects of our marriage than about his involvement with her. Believe it or not, this makes me feel better. If it was something between my husband and me, then it is something that we can fix. 

I have finally come to the conclusion that my husband wasn't really emotionally involved with 'her'-outside of friendship-because he loved me. I am so grateful for this because if he had become truly emotionally involved with her then it would have been much more difficult to move forward. 

I think 'she' was in the right place at the wrong time in his life and was starting to show him a different way of living. My husband and I had a solid, dependable marriage but had somehow lost touch with each other in some very important ways. I know that 'she' was very interested in him and was actively pursuing him. He admitted to feeling flattered and even though she was just a friend, things turned weird and inappropriate. 

Right after he confessed nearly 3 months ago, I remember telling my best friend that the love my husband and I had for each other was the only thing that would save this. And, this turned out to be so true for us.

Now that I reassess our marriage from BEFORE, I/we can see where things were not as they should have been. In our case, some issues had gone unresolved for years but we never really communicated about them. 

They say that when something like this happens, your marriage is never the same again and it will always be different. In our case, this is definitely true. However, I have to say that our marriage will be even better. I am still hurt and sad about everything but I am not sure we would have ever had the marriage we have now if we had not gone through some type of extreme crisis. My husband and I are building our relationship for the first time in a lot of ways. Sometimes you have to nearly lose something to find something. And this is certainly the case with my husband and me.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Thats awesome to hear!!!!! really I feel the same that you do Of course I am CrAzY lol I seriously am. HA I am looking up the science of kissing well sorry I stubled on it lol and well it was interesting to read. That kissing determins if you have chemistry or finding your mate. THAT MAKES SENSE TO. cause you can kiss someone the first time and well thats always weird or your caught in the rush then the second time you know the ice has been broken and you know. weird interesting.


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