# Please - Need an honest Evaluation



## PWDirect (May 9, 2014)

Hi there Guys n Gals

Please, I need an honest evaluation. I have spoken to friends about this and they seem to agree with me but would also like an opinion of some people who have no emotional attachment to me. I will not exaggerate or lie. These are 2 things that I do not do and all of what I type is true. Please again, if you think that there is nothing wrong, please say.

Okay...

My wife and I separated 31/2 months ago and just this week I got a solicitors letter telling me that she is starting divorce proceedings. The reason she wanted to separate? She didn't love me any more. There is no one else. But I'll take you back.

When she was 2, her mother did exactly the same to her father. All through her childhood, she was made to feel a very distant second to her brother. This continued right up to when we split.

Her father would sometimes hit her and it got to the stage that when she was in her teens, she self harmed by cutting her own arm.

Fast forward to when we get together 15 years ago and she told me all this. She often told me and my parents that my own parents feel like better parents than her own father did. Many many times she would come home from seeing him both before our kids were born and after that her dad would pay no attention to her. He would often go and see his son who lived 35 miles away (we live 10 miles away) more and even go and see his daughter in law who lives 230 miles away more than they came to us. This used to hurt her so much but as I said to her, at the end of the day he is still her father.

She used to see how long it was before he would contact her and the longest she left it before she could not take it any more was 6 weeks. It was often broken by the fact that he wanted a hair cut.

So many times she would come home in tears and there were times she tried to tell him how she felt and he would just laugh or if he realized he had hurt her, promise to take her out which then never happened.

Fast forward and she is still being made to feel second best and she absolutely craves to attention of her father.

During our marriage, we unfortunately suffer 6 miscarriages. One before our eldest was born, then 3 more, then our youngest was born and then 2 more.

Its the last 2 that hit us. About a year ago, she was 3 months pregnant and we went for a scan to be told the baby died 2 weeks before. She chose to pass it at home which she did but she held the sack in her hand for about 10 minutes just looking at it for about 10 minutes before flushing it.

Last August we decided to try again and I did say that as I am coming up to 42, this for me would be the last try. Unfortunately we again lost it in October last year. When we lost it, that was it, she completely changed. Got massively into her exercise and while I understand this was to divert her mind, everything came second to her exercise. 

Now she says she fell out of love with me back in October after the last miscarriage. She has also maintained that she can't have sex with someone who she is not in love with. Sex to her is a bond between 2 people who are in love yet we had sex many times between October and Feb 10th. 

On Feb 10th, she went round to my mum and dads happy as anything, then she went into town to get some shopping and she was fine but then she bumped into a friend who she spoke to.

Her friend said herself that she was unhappy in a relationship, got out of it, met someone new and now she is really happy. I believe this friend told her how great life is now and my wife has always been a person to seek other peoples assurance. (Just after the separation, my wife was on her forum she went on and told them she is having doubts and all her efriends said nahh... screw him, see it through, be strong so she did).

On March 17th, I popped out for 30 mins and when I got back she had gone with my children. She then wrote to me via her solicitor saying I was physical to her. Now I can sit here (and I never play with fate) and swear on my childrens lives I have never ever raised a hand or anything to her.

Since then she has become so so nasty towards me. Wanting to blank me, not even communicating with me about the children or anything. There is to this day no one else, but 2 weeks ago, before she was due to go and see her solicitor, she went to do the hair of this friend she saw on Feb 10th and then suddenly I get notified that my wife has filed for divorce.

I have had solicitor letters saying that I mistreat the children, I have been physical to my wife, held under duress etc... all complete lies as when I reply back saying its complete rubbish with my reasons, nothing more is said..

I have been told by my solicitor that I have an excellent case for if I wanted to go for full custody but at the moment I am refusing that as the children need a mother but she is using the children against me.

The one thing that has come out of this is that she now has the full attention of her father who she has craved. but at what cost? She has acted to irrational and illogical.

I have been thinking PTSD or something as you are very angry with that and often sabotage relationships but I am open to anything else. Equally, if you think there is nothing, please say.

Thanks for reading and appreciate the feedback.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Welcome to the forum.

Really sorry to hear about miscarriages. That's horrible. 

It seems like she has never recognized or addressed her crappy father. He has showed her that she means nothing to him with actions, yet she still craves his attention. That's a sign of a troubled person. Why would she want to make him like her? Some people are just completely ****ty.

My wife has a crappy father that lives 10 min away and we haven't seen him in ages...same for our kids. I thought about talking to him at some point, but I came to conclusion....why would I want him to be something he is not. 

Wife accepted that he is horrible and just let's it be. They talk here and there (mostly on email) but she never forgets how horrible he was during her childhood and how horrible he is today.....just dis attached/not part of family. Screw him.

Anyways, onto the issue at hand.

Your wife clearly told you that she doesn't love you. At this point, YOU are the one that should want a divorce. 

Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't love you?

Onto your kids now. You said she is already seeing someone? GREAT!!!! Get as much evidence of that as possible, she is cheating and still married, this will help your court case.

As far as other acusations, it won't be hard to prove to judge that you are innocent and she is lying. Especially if you have cheating evidence and clean track record.

Step 1 - collect as much evidence against her as possible. hire private investigator if you have to. Pictures....emails whatever that might be happening between her and her "new mate".

Step 2 - go talk to a lawyer ASAP. He will point you in the right direction and give you better ideas on the legal standing and her accusations etc.

I would HIGHLY suggest that you go to all out war with her (legal that is). You probably don't want your children around her/her having custody....AND also around her father who has a long history of physical abuse (which you want to bring up in court too, especially if that's where she lives now.....hostile environment).

Basically, move on, your relationship is done. You just need to focus on your children now!!!

Good luck, and keep us posted.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PWD, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry to hear you're being treated so terribly bad by your W. And, like DoF, I'm so sorry you two had such painful experiences with the miscarriages. I agree with the advice DoF has given you.


PWDirect said:


> Please, I need an honest evaluation.


The best that any of us TAM members can do is to identify the warning signs you are describing. If you say she is behaving very selfishly and grandiose, for example, we can tell you that is a red flag for narcissism. Yet, because we are not psychologists and have not met your W, we cannot tell you whether the red flags are so strong and persistent as to constitute having the full-blown disorder (Narcissistic PD). Only professionals evaluating your W can do that.



> I have been thinking PTSD or something as you are very angry with that and often sabotage relationships but I am open to anything else.


You may be correct about the PTSD. Yet, because the emotional and physical abuse started in your W's early childhood, there is a good chance it froze her emotional development at the level of a 3 or 4 year old. If so, she also could have a personality disorder such as BPD (Borderline PD) or NPD (Narcissistic PD). 



> When she was in her teens, she self harmed by cutting her own arm.


Self harming is so strongly associated with BPD that it is one of the nine behavioral traits used to diagnose that personality disorder. This strong association has been established by many studies. A 2004 hospital study, for example, concludes that...the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See *Journal of Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004*.​


> All through her childhood, she was made to feel a very distant second to her brother. ...Her father would sometimes hit her.


Most abused children do NOT develop BPD. The abuse nonetheless greatly raises the risk for doing so. A 2008 study found that 70% of BPDers report that they were abused or abandoned in childhood.



> I have had solicitor letters saying that I mistreat the children, I have been physical to my wife, held under duress etc... all complete lies.


If she has strong BPD or NPD traits, that vindictiveness and hatefulness is to be expected. Indeed, it is common for BPDers to have their spouses arrested and jailed on a bogus charge. That's what my BPDer exW did to me. I was in jail for three days, during which time she obtained a R/O barring me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a divorce here in this State).

I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on *what it is you and your children are dealing with*. Without seeing your W, the psych will not be able to render a formal diagnosis. He will be able, however, to say "it sure sounds to me like you may be dealing with...."

I also suggest, while you're waiting for an appointment, you take a look at my list of red flags at *18 BPD Warning Signs*. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my post in *Maybe's Thread*. If that discussion rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, PWD.


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## PWDirect (May 9, 2014)

Hi there DoF and thanks for taking the time to reply.

You are right, I do not want to be with someone who does not love me. I did mention that there is no one else involved so I would not need to investigate that.

She does use the children against me in both her accusations and in asking for items from the house. Since you have replied, I have collected the children (I have them for 4 days / 3 days each week) and my eldest said that mummy has asked for something. I do write it all down and I refuse to use the children. To me it just brings it all home to the children and we should be communicating between ourselves but sometimes she does, sometimes she does not.

I guess what I was asking is if you or anyone else reading this think she is maybe ill from what I have said. As mentioned, I have thought of PTSD because of all the events in her life and when I said no more children, she changed dramatically and she even said herself that in October, something changed in her head.

I have spoken to a couple of medical people who also think that she is suffering with something.

From what I have described, what do you guys think and how should I go about trying to tell her to get herself checked out?


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## PWDirect (May 9, 2014)

wow Uptown

What a great reply, thank you. I have been out for 2 hours so did not realize you had written this.

I will have a look and get back with my thoughts.

I need to ask, she seems fine with her friends - the friends she has only told half the story to. I got speaking to one of them a few weeks ago and their jaw literally hit the floor when I said that she had just left without me knowing and that her father assaulted myself and my mother the next day. She is only telling people what she wants them to know...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PWDirect said:


> I need to ask, she seems fine with her friends - the friends she has only told half the story to.


Acting normal around casual friends does not rule out her having strong BPD traits. Most people with strong BPD traits interact very well around casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. The reason is that none of those folks pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why a BPDer can be caring and generous all day long to complete strangers and still go home at night to abuse the very people she loves.



> She changed dramatically and she even said herself that in October, something changed in her head.


PWD, if her anger and abusive language started last October, she cannot have a lifetime problem with BPD. A personality disorder generally arises in early childhood and the behavioral traits start showing very strongly in the early teens, during puberty. 

Indeed, the only warning signs you've mentioned suggesting the possibility of strong BPD traits is the cutting during her teens and the abuse during her childhood. This is why I suggested you look at my list to see if any other red flags have existed throughout your marriage.

Significantly, strong BPD traits will NOT disappear for many years and then suddenly appear later in life. Hence, if your W did not start abusing you and showing anger issues until last October (i.e., 14 years into your 15-year relationship), you are NOT describing the warning signs for a lifetime BPD problem. Rather, in that case, you more likely would be describing a mood change caused perhaps by a hormone change. It is common, for example, for women to suffer strong mood changes during pregnancy, postpartum, and perimenopause. Such changes typically can last one or two years.


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## PWDirect (May 9, 2014)

I actually think it may well be something like PTSD and the miscarriage of last October triggered it.

She is not afraid of being alone as she asked me for a separation and moved out on her own accord but in the past if her friends have gone out and not invited her, she got very upset about that.

She is only 31 so it won't be the menopause yet.


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## PWDirect (May 9, 2014)

Just an update. Today spoke with a relation who is under medication for PTSD and I told her everything and she said that it all sounds very familiar. She thinks she is suffering with PTSD.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PWD, thanks for the update. I hope you are correct about the PTSD because it usually can be greatly helped with professional treatment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PWDirect said:


> Just an update. Today spoke with a relation who is under medication for PTSD and I told her everything and she said that it all sounds very familiar. She thinks she is suffering with PTSD.


When your wife had all of those miscarriages, did she (and even you) seek out any counseling? It's very common for miscarriages, especially so many of them, to cause a woman profound issue.. PTSD would be one of them. Few marriages survive this kind of trauma.

When I was in my 30's I had a miscarriage in 4th month and then twins who were born still born. They are the only pregnancies I ever had. These experiences caused profound changes in who I am. They are also one of the major things that drove my husband away from me leading to our eventual divorce. From my view point, while I changed it was he who pulled away and refused to address the issues, refused to participate in counseling, cheated, and became an angry violent man (I have the photos to prove that my ex was violent. ).

The place your wife is at today is not really very surprising. It's sad but not surprising.

I do hope that the two of you can some day learn to co-parent together in a way that is healthy for your children.


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## PWDirect (May 9, 2014)

We never went to counseling after any of the miscarriages. We supported each other and got through it. I have always said that while it was bad enough for me, I will never understand what a woman goes through.

I do feel that I have been completely pushed away and I have been searching for a reason with no luck. She has completely sabotaged the marriage and upset the children in such a way and using them to get at me, they are picking up on it.

Thing is, how do I go about advising her that she may be unwell? That's such a burning question.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask your solicitor if you can document all the trauma and request that she be evaluated.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree with Tunera. This has the signs of a personality disorder. It is very important that, regardless of your marital status, you seek custody of your children. You can ALWAYS let her share custody and visit as much as you want but once you let her have it, it's hard to get back.

For the safety and sanity of your children they will need to come first. If your wife is willing to go see someone, that is great. Even with her getting along better with her father, it's obvious his love is conditional and that relationship is still not stable nor healthy.

If your wife refuses to get help, I suggest you ask the court for a psychological evaluation for parental fitness. In a way you can 'force' her to get help because she could very well be diagnosed professionally during this process. If so, the psychologist will recommend ongoing treatment. This can only benefit all concerned. If you don't finalize the divorce, it could even save your marriage if you still want that. But bottom line, you want your kids to be in an emotionally and physically safe environment. If your STBX gets treatment and stabilizes, you can certainly let her have as much time with the kids as you both want. But if she doesn't and becomes more unstable, at least you'll already have set a precedence with the courts and have an order that you can enforce for their safety.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

I have spent many many years with someone who has abandonment issues & daddy issues.

At some point you need to do what is best for you and what is best for your children.
Her issues will never get better unless she goes to therapy.

Start documenting now and get a lawyer.


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