# Discovered my wife, Mary Poppins, watches porn



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

For years I have posted here about my wife who is quite uninteractive in the bedroom, finds penises weird at best, semen disgusting, won't take all her clothes off during sex even in the dark, etc etc etc. I find out a few weeks ago she watches porn online. I've seen at least 2, perhaps 3 occasions now in the past 4 weeks where she has browsed and watched a particular porn site. Its been man/woman porn and female masturbation. 

So I am thinking.... *W T F.*

My wife is like Mother Teresa. In bed all she does is let me get on her pretty much and if once a year she gets drunk, she seems to get excited and turned on which is a good start. She hardly touches me, both sexually and non-sexually. I've tried talking to her but I don't get anywhere with it. She says she loves me all the time but there are little actions to back up her words.

So now I'm thinking she DOES have some sort of sex drive and maybe evening pleasuring herself watching porn over having sex, or at least meaningful sex, with me. 

I admit I watch porn from time to time only because my wife is not doing anything about my needs sexually. She on the other hand seems to be choosing that over me.

So now, without telling her what I know, I think I finally have some sort of leverage to say if she can't meet my needs then we have a serious problem.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

maybe she's recognized the problem and is trying to watch some porn to learn how to improve?

there has been a lot of press coverage about dead bedrooms lately (spreadsheet tracking guy, etc).


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hurra said:


> So now, without telling her what I know, I think I finally have some sort of leverage to say if she can't meet my needs then we have a serious problem.


How's that going to work for you?

You're going to use the fact that she watches porn to force her into having sex with you?

Good luck with that.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

While you are chasing her steps, you are ignoring the elephant in the room.

You have SEVERE intimacy issues. 

Have you spoke to her about this? Does she CLEARLY understand what intimacy means to YOU? 

Does she realize that withholding intimacy breaks many marriages?

Put this porn thing to the side for now. Talk to her about above. If she is not willing to budge or work on it, I would suggest telling her that you are considering divorce.

Unless of course you are willing to live like this FOREVER.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Our sex life has been like this since after we got married in 2007.

I didn't say I was going to tell her I see that she's watching porn but now in my mind, I may have more confidence to state what I want and what could happen if I don't get it. 

I have spoken to her before, even in tears, telling her that I need more in our marriage, even beyond sex, but word it like an open ended question. I guess I felt guilty in that if she was truly LD, then I can't expect her to change that.

For the record, I bend over backwards for my wife. I am not a muscular stud but not overweight by any means. I dress well, I have my hobbies, I have a good job and I get stuff done. I try to be interesting in the bedroom but always get a flatout "NO. I don't like that".


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hurra said:


> I didn't say I was going to tell her I see that she's watching porn but now in my mind, I may have more confidence to state what I want and what could happen if I don't get it.


So.. you weren't going to say anything before, but now that you know she watches porn, you have the courage to say "Honey, the sex better start happening or we're done!"

You can't ultimatum someone into having sex with you. Even if you could, do you think it would be any good?

She's into sex, you know that from the whole watching porn thing. She's not into YOU. You can try to figure out why and deal with the underlying problems (if possible) or you can try to bully her into submission and maybe get some "fear sex" out of the deal. 

I know what I'd do.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My porn use is better than hers because... Sounds like a "There's no moral abortion but my own abortion." argument.

Have you ever asked her if she watches porn? Does she know you watch it? How about instead of using this as some kind of "leverage" you try to open up dialogue with your wife? Or find a non-threatening/judgmental or guilt-inducing way to ask her why she was watching it/if she likes it etc. and what she likes about it.

There could be a plethora of reasons why she is watching it. She definitely sounds sexually repressed. Maybe she's trying to reconnect with her sexual side. I have heard stories from women who only first ever masturbated or orgasmed in their 40s. That's how repressed they were raised to be. Maybe your wife was raised with a very rigid standard for female sexuality.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hurra said:


> Our sex life has been like this since after we got married in 2007.
> 
> I didn't say I was going to tell her I see that she's watching porn but now in my mind, I may have more confidence to state what I want and what could happen if I don't get it.
> 
> ...



Go see a lawyer, hand her the paperwork. Sounds like you already communicated sex /other issues and she is not willing to care/take action.

This woman does not ACT like she loves you. Heck, based on her actions, she DOESN'T love you.

It's time to end it and move on.

Good luck


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DoF said:


> Go see a lawyer, hand her the paperwork. Sounds like you already communicated sex /other issues and she is not willing to care/take action.
> 
> This woman does not ACT like she loves you. Heck, based on her actions, she DOESN'T love you.
> 
> ...


This^^^and get two books.
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" and
"Married Mans Sex Life Primer"
Very good books.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Maybe get some ic also to figure out why you put up with this for seven years.
just a thought.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

lenzi said:


> So.. you weren't going to say anything before, but now that you know she watches porn, you have the courage to say "Honey, the sex better start happening or we're done!"
> 
> You can't ultimatum someone into having sex with you. Even if you could, do you think it would be any good?
> 
> ...


I know that, ie, I can't force her to have sex with me. There is no point. But if she doesn't, and rather herself before me, then that is a problem I am not going to live with for any longer.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

tom67 said:


> This^^^and get two books.
> "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and
> "Married Mans Sex Life Primer"
> Very good books.


I read those, and made some changes based on those books. That was 2 years ago.

I put up with it for 7 years because I felt trapped and if I left, I would look like the bad guy to everyone because everyone thinks she's an angel. I think I am getting over that struggle in my mind though.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hurra said:


> I know that, ie, I can't force her to have sex with me. There is no point. But if she doesn't, and rather herself before me, then that is a problem I am not going to live with for any longer.


Yet you are willing to remain in a marriage with no intimacy? 

This is 10x worse than your current "porn" issue.....


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hurra said:


> I know that, ie, I can't force her to have sex with me. There is no point. But if she doesn't, and rather herself before me, then that is a problem I am not going to live with for any longer.


Well she obviously rathers herself, you already know this. 

Especially given that it's been this way since your honeymoon, it's safe to say there's nothing left to save here.

At best she'll acquiesce to your demands to avoid the inconvenience of divorce but it won't last very long and it won't be enjoyable for as long as it does.


----------



## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Another example of why I wish there was zero stigma to divorce and none of this "marriage is hard work, ya gotta stick it out, work through it...." Immediately after getting married, his wife just shuts it down?!?! Sorry, "game changer, penalty flag, I'm outta here." SEVEN YEARS this guy put up with this, why, and for what?!?!! To say he "worked hard" at it? To be able to say, "gee, I didn't give up"?? And how'd that work out for ya, are you happy for what you have to show for it?

I'll concede, some people love marriage, being married. Not like, hey, it's working, like, they LOVE being married and everything that goes with it. But that's them, and that's their partner, and there's a lot of people who maybe think they want to be married, think they'll like it, and think they picked the right person.....but a lot of people don't get it all right! OP: you're one of them. Hey, it happens....but GTFO asap and start living your life, man...


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Superfrigidhagwithyoubutpornisherfetish


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just because she wants to get off to porn doesn't mean she has a sex drive.


----------



## Hackmatack (Oct 9, 2014)

I have lurked for years on the forum looking for someone who can relate to my problem and sadly enough I found it.

My wife is the same way. We have relations about 1-2 a month where she says ok lets have a quickie because I am tired. The last time she said I had 12 minutes. But she looks at lesbian porn about 6-8 times a month. She does not know that I know but i obsessively monitor it and it kills me every time. 

I have no advice, but i hope you can figure it out. It does bother me that when the roles are reversed and it is the man watching porn and ignoring his wife the advice is much different. It is never ' He is trying to restart himself' or " she needs to up her game'. Thats BS. Its the same he/she has cut their spouse out and replaced it with a wireless router. And I do not condem you for looking after yourself. You do it because she is not willing, she does it because she doesn't care.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Just because she wants to get off to porn doesn't mean she has a sex drive.


Sure it does.



Hackmatack said:


> I have lurked for years on the forum looking for someone who can relate to my problem and sadly enough I found it.


Are you kidding? There are stories of sexless marriages like this all over these boards. 



Hackmatack said:


> My wife is the same way. But she looks at lesbian porn about 6-8 times a month.


Your wife is gay. That's different. 



Hackmatack said:


> You do it because she is not willing, she does it because she doesn't care.


You're stating the obvious.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Your wife is gay. That's different.


actually not always

even some women posters here say they like watching lesbian porn but have no inclinations to engage in lesbian sex

sexual preferences are almost always on a spectrum that usually doesn't fall on 100% straight or 100% ****


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> even some women posters here say they like watching lesbian porn but have no inclinations to engage in lesbian sex


If a woman gets off by watching 2 women having sex then she has urges for lesbian sex and she's gay (or bisexual) even if she has no inclination to actually follow through with it. There may be a gay spectrum, but a woman who watches lesbian porn is certainly far enough along that spectrum that it's not a matter of "how gay am I".

It's like me saying I want two women to suck me off and tongue swap my cum. I'll watch porn videos depicting just that but I won't follow through with it because I don't know where I'd actually find two women willing to do that nor would my girlfriend appreciate it very much if I even could.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> actually not always
> 
> even some women posters here say they like watching lesbian porn but have no inclinations to engage in lesbian sex
> 
> sexual preferences are almost always on a spectrum that usually doesn't fall on 100% straight or 100% ****


I agree, its different for women. If a woman watches lesbian porn it doesn't mean she is a lesbian. 

Basically, my wife does not act like someone who is attracted to me. She is quite comfortable with the life she has with me and I guess she thinks she can just give me the bare minimum and get her satisfaction on her own.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hurra said:


> I agree, its different for women. If a woman watches lesbian porn it doesn't mean she is a lesbian.


Why would your wife watch lesbian porn if she isn't attracted to woman and fantasizing about having sex with them?


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

lenzi said:


> Why would your wife watch lesbian porn if she isn't attracted to woman and fantasizing about having sex with them?


For the record, I haven't seen anything that says my wife is watching lesbian porn. Women bodies are more appealing than a man. Men's bodies are ugly for the most part. Maybe I am too heterosexual to understand lol

I did read some women's comments about lesbian porn and straight women said that they rather watch two women than two men.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hurra said:


> For the record, I haven't seen anything that says my wife is watching lesbian porn.


Sorry. I confused the other poster on this thread who has an obviously gay or bisexual wife with yours.



Hurra said:


> Women bodies are more appealing than a man.


Sure, to a straight man or a gay woman!



Hurra said:


> I did read some women's comments about lesbian porn and straight women said that they rather watch two women than two men.


Well if they had to choose one or the other. I can get why a straight woman would have no interest in watching two queer men sticking it to each other or sucking each other off. 

That's different from a woman voluntarily choosing lesbian porn over a whole host of other options.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There's a lot of ignorance on this thread. This is sad to read.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> There's a lot of ignorance on this thread. This is sad to read.


I know. 

Be assured that I'm doing my best to clear things up but it's a rather tall order.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lenzi said:


> I know.
> 
> Be assured that I'm doing my best to clear things up but it's a rather tall order.


Oh brother.


----------



## Hackmatack (Oct 9, 2014)

Wow,

_Are you kidding? There are stories of sexless marriages like this all over these boards._ 

I meant specifically the wife/porn/denial aspect. Not the sexless in general. I have seen the odd one with these specific issues but I would say it is uncommon. Call me a liar if you wish.

_Your wife is gay. That's different. _

Right to the gay. Nice. Maybe so but still sucks for me or the OP.

_You're stating the obvious_

Obvious to you and I perhaps but not to everyone as is evident by many of the replies posted so far.

I do not want to threadjack, i just wanted to let him know he is not alone. I would try to search out this issue and it was always about husbands and porn. I felt pretty alone.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hackmatack said:


> Right to the gay. Nice. Maybe so but still sucks for me or the OP.


At least in your case, since your wife is obviously gay and watches lesbian porn, your decision is much more clear. 

There's no room for a man in her life, you know what you need to do.


----------



## Hackmatack (Oct 9, 2014)

lenzi said:


> At least in your case, since your wife is obviously gay and watches lesbian porn, your decision is much more clear.
> 
> There's no room for a man in her life, you know what you need to do.


It may be true, the thought has crossed my mind many times. I do not believe that it is so black and white and I think many others would agree with me. Maybe she is straight up ***** or Bi or curious I don't know but I do know that she is not gay just because you say so. 

But back to the OP. I understand and if you find a way to talk to her about it without it blowing up in your face let me know.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

It interesting that when a woman comes here and says her man prefers porn over sex with her the responses are much different.


Now decision time.

1) can you forgive a person who lied to you your whole marriage and put your sexual needs below cleaning the commode.
2)why would you want to?
3) shes not going to say yea ok lets get back on track and have some kinky sex.

If not then just except it and realize its time to move on.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Hackmatack said:


> But back to the OP. I understand and if you find a way to talk to her about it without it blowing up in your face let me know.



That is another fear; it blowing up in my face. But if I have to escape this prison like Andy Dufresne did, then so be it. If I succeed, I'll let you know.



chillymorn said:


> It interesting that when a woman comes here and says her man prefers porn over sex with her the responses are much different.
> 
> 
> Now decision time.
> ...


I know she won't turn on the kinky switch, and if she did she won't mean it. I know its time to move on and I want to; I really do.


----------



## Hackmatack (Oct 9, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> Now decision time.
> 
> 1) can you forgive a person who lied to you your whole marriage and put your sexual needs below cleaning the commode.
> 2)why would you want to?
> ...


Kids, mortage all the BS that everyone else says. We know can be dealt with but it is hard to do. Is is harder than sucking it up and feeling alone? Maybe, maybe not. Growing up I had nothing and my kids are getting everything I did not. I would do anything for them to be happy. But when the youngest graduates oh boy watch out.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Once you go tranny pony German midget latex urethral play fetish nothing else will get you off, I guess.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I know this may be off the charts outrageous but why don't you sit her down, explain with all sincerity and candor how you feel and where you stand, ask her if she is willing/able to meet your needs or has any desire to try. Then, based on her answers, decide how to proceed. You could even tell her right off that you are not trying to force her to do anything but you just need a basis on which to make your decision.

If she cares about you at all she will want to discuss it, if not, then you will have your answer. Time to move on.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hackmatack said:


> Maybe she is straight up ***** or Bi or curious I don't know but I do know that she is not gay just because you say so.


You said she was gay in post #29.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Hackmatack said:


> Kids, mortage all the BS that everyone else says. We know can be dealt with but it is hard to do. Is is harder than sucking it up and feeling alone? Maybe, maybe not. Growing up I had nothing and my kids are getting everything I did not. I would do anything for them to be happy. But when the youngest graduates oh boy watch out.


I personally applaud you for your dedication to your kids, good for you but even better for your kids. Many here will lambast me for saying this but I believe your first obligation is to your children and second to yourself. :smthumbup:


----------



## Hackmatack (Oct 9, 2014)

lenzi said:


> You said she was gay in post #29.


That is not what I meant. What I meant is that you went right to the assumption that she is gay. I do not know if she is or is not. If I had to pick i would say she is not. I think that she could watch that because it does the trick but it does not mean she is gay. God i hope not.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hackmatack said:


> That is not what I meant. What I meant is that you went right to the assumption that she is gay. I do not know if she is or is not. If I had to pick i would say she is not. I think that she could watch that because it does the trick but it does not mean she is gay. God i hope not.


Oh when you said "right to the gay" you meant I was jumping right in to her being gay not "I am right for saying she's gay because she watches gay female porn".

Why do you think she watches gay female porn if she's not attracted to women?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Once you go tranny pony German midget latex urethral play fetish nothing else will get you off, I guess.


That stuff is over rated.


----------



## Hackmatack (Oct 9, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Oh when you said "right to the gay" you meant I was jumping right in to her being gay not "I am right for saying she's gay because she watches gay female porn".
> 
> Why do you think she watches gay female porn if she's not attracted to women?


The question I have is who wouldn't want to watch it? lol. I think that someone can watch it but not necessarily want to partake in it exclusively. But what the hell do i know.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lenzi said:


> If a woman gets off by watching 2 women having sex then she has urges for lesbian sex and she's gay (or bisexual) even if she has no inclination to actually follow through with it. There may be a gay spectrum, but a woman who watches lesbian porn is certainly far enough along that spectrum that it's not a matter of "how gay am I".


Eh, I watch lesbian porn and I am not gay or bisexual. I have no interest in having a relationship or sex with a woman. More lesbian videos are softer, more foreplay, oral on a woman, etc. 
But I've watched pretty much everything and I have no interest in ever doing a lot of the stuff.



As for the rest of the topic, I have had many, many times where I prefer porn/masturbation to actual sex but it doesn't sound like she's giving actual sex much of a chance. Does she O when you do have sex?


----------



## ILuvTheDesserts (Aug 29, 2014)

Strange but my wife would also prefer " woman and woman " porn though she's not bisexual ....... perhaps curious ?!?

She says the porn involving men are just too much for her with the male whatnot's swinging back and forth :scratchhead: ?? 

I don't mind as long as she gets aroused I'm happy!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Eh, I watch lesbian porn and I am not gay or bisexual. I have no interest in having a relationship or sex with a woman. More lesbian videos are softer, more foreplay, oral on a woman, etc.
> But I've watched pretty much everything and I have no interest in ever doing a lot of the stuff.
> 
> 
> ...


and how dose your partner feel when hes rejected and then you use porn? dose he know?


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

NoChoice said:


> I know this may be off the charts outrageous but why don't you sit her down, explain with all sincerity and candor how you feel and where you stand, ask her if she is willing/able to meet your needs or has any desire to try. Then, based on her answers, decide how to proceed. You could even tell her right off that you are not trying to force her to do anything but you just need a basis on which to make your decision.
> 
> If she cares about you at all she will want to discuss it, if not, then you will have your answer. Time to move on.


I have more or less, to the point of being in tears. Once she had no response. Another time she tried to blame me for not being affectionate enough. That was true for a few short months because my patience and heart had run dry as my affection to her was not getting returned the same way for years. Lately I have been more affectionate but it still gets me no where.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> As for the rest of the topic, I have had many, many times where I prefer porn/masturbation to actual sex but it doesn't sound like she's giving actual sex much of a chance. Does she O when you do have sex?


Yes, she does maybe 30-40% of the time. I can feel when she does.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Curious as to what you are "feeling" when she has an O. If you just mean you feel the inside if her vag having spasms, that can happen separately from an O. Unless a woman confirms she had one, a man should never assume. My guess is that she isn't. But most women don't O from intercourse anyway.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> and how dose your partner feel when hes rejected and then you use porn? dose he know?


He knows I do it most nights and why. 



Hurra said:


> Yes, she does maybe 30-40% of the time. I can feel when she does.


If you can tell her what you found you might be able to open up a conversation about what she does and doesn't like and what works best for her.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Hurra
I think you need to have another conversation. I have no objection to porn UNLESS it is replacing sex with your partner, and that is what it is doing here.

Just asking - but are you attentive to her needs in bed, do you do the things she asks you to do?

Good luck - this is a really difficult miserable situation


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Hurra
> I think you need to have another conversation. I have no objection to porn UNLESS it is replacing sex with your partner, and that is what it is doing here.
> 
> Just asking - but are you attentive to her needs in bed, do you do the things she asks you to do?
> ...


I do anything she asks, and I am usually the one giving attention in bed and rarely get any in return unless I explicitly ask for it, and even then may not get it. And some of the attention I give she doesn't like; like kissing her breasts. It's funny because if she has been drinking (3-4 times a year she'll really get drunk), she will get into it, as far as one can go lying on one's back anyway.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Have you seen specifically what she watches. Positions and dialogue..etc? Somewhere a long the lines your wife has decided she is just not that into you. She may not be that attracted to you for no fault of your own. Maybe she just really wanted to be married and you fit the bill? Maybe she is just now coming into her sexuality. And it sounds like she doesn't appear to be particularly vulnerable or open to you when it comes to intimacy. So if she is not an open person, her arousal is hers and hers alone. And she does not see you as a man she can share that with. She decided that a long time ago, it appears.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Also, she may have an idea of how you view her. Frigid, uptight, and what not. And since she is the gatekeeper it gives her a position of power. So she may not want to lose that by showing you that she does have things that turn her on. She may prefer to have a higher moral ground than you. I bet if you talked to her about it it would be an argument. Because why you may feel it shows that she has a sexual side, to her it may feel as though you got something on her.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

FalconKing said:


> Also, she may have an idea of how you view her. Frigid, uptight, and what not. And since she is the gatekeeper it gives her a position of power. So she may not want to lose that by showing you that she does have things that turn her on. She may prefer to have a higher moral ground than you. I bet it you talked to her about it it would be an argument. Because why you may feel it shows that she has a sexual side, to her it may feel as though you got something on her.


She might have a whole freak sexual side that he was never exposed to. It's because of the "gatekeeper" aspect that FalkonKing mentioned. Keeping you out of there gives her a sense of empowerment. She might even share that side of her with someone else.


----------



## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

lenzi said:


> If a woman gets off by watching 2 women having sex then she has urges for lesbian sex and she's gay (or bisexual) even if she has no inclination to actually follow through with it. There may be a gay spectrum, but a woman who watches lesbian porn is certainly far enough along that spectrum that it's not a matter of "how gay am I".
> 
> It's like me saying I want two women to suck me off and tongue swap my cum. I'll watch porn videos depicting just that but I won't follow through with it because I don't know where I'd actually find two women willing to do that nor would my girlfriend appreciate it very much if I even could.


Not to mention OP says she won't touch his penis and thinks his cum is gross. Sounds to me like she hates the male anatomy. OP she'd probably jump at a chance for a MFF *IF* you didn't touch the other woman and you gave her an opening by saying it's YOUR fantasy. Chances are she'll discover how gay she is, leave you and then you're free to find someone who doesn't find you repulsive.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Eh, I watch lesbian porn and I am not gay or bisexual. I have no interest in having a relationship or sex with a woman. More lesbian videos are softer, more foreplay, oral on a woman, etc.


Maybe it's time for some serious introspection. There's an attraction there even if you'd never consider actually doing it. 

There's plenty of male/female porn out there with softness, foreplay, and oral on a woman..


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Maybe it's time for some serious introspection. There's an attraction there even if you'd never consider actually doing it.
> 
> There's plenty of male/female porn out there with softness, foreplay, and oral on a woman..


and I watch that too, as well as male/male and I'm not a gay male either. 
I watch different things depending on my mood and what I am wanting. 

If there is a theme (male dominating, female pleasure, etc) in the kinds of videos OP's wife is watching it could tell him a lot about what she is wanting, if he can talk to her about it.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> and I watch that too, as well as male/male and I'm not a gay male either.
> I watch different things depending on my mood and what I am wanting.


If you're a guy, and you're wanting to watch male/male porn, I got news for you.. and it's not that you're a heterosexual.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Maybe it's time for some serious introspection. There's an attraction there even if you'd never consider actually doing it.
> 
> There's plenty of male/female porn out there with softness, foreplay, and oral on a woman..


many people are bisexual. for them it is a question of degree same vs hetero sex. If you are watching lesbian porn and masturbating to it, it is clearly turning you on. nothing at all wrong with that. BUt if you are also married, it is only fair to discuss it with your husband. It might remain your personal fantasy, never to be tried. He might help you to find a woman for an FMF encounter, or maybe give you a hall pass to experiment with a friend. 

But knowing what type of kinks you have helps a husband to give you better sex, even if it is just dirty talk or role play


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

FTR- I am a female. A straight female who would never want a threesome, a lesbian encounter, to roleplay being with a woman or fantasize about being with one. I have nothing against lesbians or bisexuals, I'm simply not one. 

When I watch lesbian porn it's cause that's what I could find at the time that had what I wanted. (Too many porn vids are made for the man's pleasure not the woman. I take what I can get because porn that has something that would feel good for the woman is harder to find) I don't picture the woman, or any woman, or any porn star male or female for that matter, doing it to ME, I use it to help guide my own fantasy in my head that doesn't involve any of the people in the video.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lenzi said:


> She's into sex, you know that from the whole watching porn thing. She's not into YOU. You can try to figure out why and deal with the underlying problems (if possible) or you can try to bully her into submission and maybe get some "fear sex" out of the deal.
> 
> I know what I'd do.





totallywarped said:


> Not to mention OP says she won't touch his penis and thinks his cum is gross. Sounds to me like she hates the male anatomy.


I know most of you are going to poo-poo this, but keep an open mind, okay? 

First, get off the "she's gay/bisexual" thing. It's possible, yes, but I wouldn't even go there at this point.

Now, full disclosure, it DOES sound an awful lot like she's "just not that into you". That said, don't jump to that conclusion, either. Especially her not being sexually attracted to her husband. It's not usually as base as that.

I think it's been established here on TAM, among other places, that masturbation and sex are two totally different things. One is intimate, one is not. From what I can see, that's what the issue is - intimacy. One can certainly have the urge to orgasm, yet not have a sex drive, per se.

What I'm saying is, masturbation is a physical urge, whereas sex with a partner is emotional, with physical aspects. Because OP's wife apparently has nothing wrong with her PHYSICALLY, does not equate to her desiring sex, intercourse, physically intimacy, etc.

Furthermore, the fact that she is allegedly grossed out by male sexual anatomy does not necessarily indicate that she does not like men. She may very well be grossed out by female sexual anatomy (not her own) as well.

Now here's where I'll get jumped on, I'm sure, but bear with me...

Whether you are of the camp that recognizes asexuality as a real thing or not, listen up: from a lot of what I've read and researched on that topic (and honestly, it's still very much up in the air for me) is that this is not uncommon for self-described asexuals. In a nutshell, the degree of asexuality can vary immensely. Among them are those that are physically willing and capable of orgasm (usually through masturbation) yet have little to no desire for actual sex. Being put off by sexual anatomy is also quite common in these cases. It's almost viewed as clinical or a curiosity, or sometimes outright aversion.

Yet the urge, or even need, for physical release is still there, but that's all it is - physical. Orgasms feel good and contribute to a feeling of well-being afterwards. However sex with another person is not desired, needed, or wanted.

As far as the being gay/lesbian thing is concerned, I DO believe that some people (a rare few) are neither. So, for example, if I had an aversion to putting my penis in a woman's vagina and I avoided it like the plague does absolutely not mean that I would enjoy putting my penis into a man, either. Just because I don't have a desire to do one does not mean I must have the desire for the other. Things aren't always that black and white, if you see what I'm saying.

Often, people fall into these gender roles. I can tell you that both my wife and my ex wife at one point or another questioned their sexuality for varying reasons. Neither concluded that they were attracted to women, but both DID conclude that they must be attracted to men (which they are). This is common amongst young men and women, and does not always include experimentation, I might add. So in some cases, I strongly believe, a person will absolutely rule out homosexuality which is MUCH easier than ruling out opposite-sex attraction. However, I do believe that it is completely possible to not be attracted to EITHER gender. Problem is, once one rules out the easy one, they assume they HAVE to be the other, without questioning that fact.

I am not suggesting OP's wife falls into this camp, it is merely a suggestion and another POV. Let's not turn this into a discussion on asexuality


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

please send all of your "is this gay?" questions to lenzi

thank you

The Managaement


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She must be a porn addict.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Most of the time, it's best to assume that your wife is sexual and has sexual needs as opposed to chalking it up to low sex drive.

Now, you have proof that the state of your sex life is not about your wife's sex drive.

What is it about? Possible answers:
A. Her attraction to you
B. Her idea of marriage is to avoid meeting needs of her spouse (Selfishness).
C. Resentment that you are not meeting her needs and she is trying to communicate this to you.

Figuring out how to improve A, B or C is easier than curing someone of a low sex drive.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lenzi said:


> If you're a guy, and you're wanting to watch male/male porn, I got news for you.. and it's not that you're a heterosexual.



Thou doth protest too much methinks.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Lenzi would you say George Michael is your favorite singer or Elton John?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do you look forward to the prostrate exam at your next check up?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

are your daughters named Liza, Judy and Barbara?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Where would we be without showtunes?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Blazing Saddles- The French Mistake - YouTube


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think the "gay" or "straight" labels are much to restrictive for real human sexuality. There are women who only want to personally be intimate with men, but enjoy watching lesbian porn. There are men who like tranny, or pegging porn. 

IT DOESN'T MATTER
People should watch and do whatever they want and not worry about the labels. 

The important question is whether someone is sexually attracted to their partner.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex: Nina Hartley: 9781583332634: Amazon.com: Books

Get her a copy of this off Amazon...sounds like she may be stirring sexually, so to speak. This may help wake her up.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Even Mary Poppins has a naughty side. Congrats.

As women age their bodies and hormones change. It's very possible she is hitting her sexual peak and now very interested in sex. I really do believe, women in their 30s and 40s may not be 20 anymore, with tight little young bodies, but they are animals in bed and absolutely know how to please themselves and men in every way possible. All the young girls have is less sun spots and firmer breasts.

She may not have really opened up to you because she is embarrassed. Like you said, you see her as mother teresa. She doesn't want to shatter that image possibly, or she will always have her young mind with you in bed because that is her comfort zone. Take her out on dates, turn your marriage back into a young and in love relationship, and you may reap the benefits of finding out your wife is no longer mary poppins or mother teresa, but instead christy mack and jenna jameson.


----------



## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

I read an interesting account in the dead bedroom section of Reddit of how one man finally resolved this issue. He said that he sat his wife down and told her he needed sex and if she wasn't ever going to have sex with him, then they needed to get a divorce. But he also said he desperately loved her and wanted to stay married to her, so he proposed that they have sex twice a week, on the same two nights every week, and that she agree to actively participate on those two nights. He agreed not to ask her for sex on any other nights and to treat her with love, kindness and respect on every day of the week.

She agreed to this, and they scheduled sex for the same two nights every week. I think it might have been Friday and Saturday, just because those two nights were the nights when they didn't have to work the next day.

And then, something magical happened. First, because his wife no longer felt any pressure from him to have sex on the other nights, her mood and outlook towards him improved. She became a more loving person overall, and their intimacy increased. He also had an improved outlook toward his wife, as he saw that she made the effort to satisfy his need for sex as per their agreement. They found themselves still just having sex on those two nights, but during the week they kissed more, fondled each other more, and were sexually playful with each other more because she now felt no pressure that those actions would lead to sex.

And, amazingly, he found that she not only initiated on some of those Friday and Saturday nights, but when she had her period she volunteered to take care of him either with her hands or orally.

Food for thought.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hurra, a few questions for you.

1) How old are you and she?

2) How was your sex life with her before marriage?

3) How long have you been married?

4) Can you pinpoint an event or time period when her interest in sex with you changed?

5) What was your general sex history before you met her?

6) What was her sex history before you met her?


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Here you go Thor 


1) How old are you and she?

I'm 38 and she is 34

2) How was your sex life with her before marriage?

Good,she made an effort. She was also inexperienced but tried, seemed interested and wanted to please. Now I'm not sure if she really wanted to or she did so not to loose me. 

3) How long have you been married?

7 years

4) Can you pinpoint an event or time period when her interest in sex with you changed?

Shortly after marriage 

5) What was your general sex history before you met her?

I only had a couple of serious relationships before her and the sex was much better. Those women wanted me, no doubt about it and had no reservations. 

6) What was her sex history before you met her?

None, as far as I know. Very little experience


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

mary poppins sex? actually sounds pretty damn hot.

You can take a spoon of sugar, coat your member, and then have oral sex. Because "just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down...the medicine go dowwwwwnnnn...the....in a most delight--full...way..."


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I think the "gay" or "straight" labels are much to restrictive for real human sexuality. There are women who only want to personally be intimate with men, but enjoy watching lesbian porn. There are men who like tranny, or pegging porn.
> 
> IT DOESN'T MATTER
> ...


Well, sure. If a woman watches lesbian sex, it doesn't matter if she's gay or bisexual if she's attracted to and having sex with her opposite sex partner.

The problem arises when the partner isn't getting any sex and he posts about how the wife is watching lesbian porn, in which case the gay label DOES matter.

Some things can't be fixed. Repressed homosexuality destroying the sex in a heterosexual marriage is one of them.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What you've described is consistent with her having some form of abuse or trauma in her past. No it isn't definitive, but it consistent with it. She could also just have a boatload of sexual toxic shame from her upbringing.

The porn though seems to go against prudish or toxic shame factors.

Do you know if she was ever molested, or if there were other traumatic events in her past?


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She wasn't promiscuous. Many abused women are.

I would suggest that she is finally reaching her own sexual maturity and is exploring it in secret.

I would also suggest that she isn't sexually attracted to you.

Therein lies the problem.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

First let me throw this out there: please tell me you never told your wife your previous partners were better. That's a sure way to make sure she shuts down with you.

Having said that, as you've already figured out this is not a sex issue, this is an intimacy issue. Is there anything that's happened that may have cause some resentment or her not to trust you emotionally? I have to ask because I was very much like this with my first husband, and that was because he was a jerk that wanted his but was unconcerned about me or anything I thought, both in and out of the bedroom. Now it's clear to me that you're nothing like this, so don't think I'm suggesting you're a jerk, I'm just trying to figure out if there's something that has caused her to close herself off emotionally.

In the absence of that, it may have nothing to do with you. As clipclop2 already pointed out, she may just be maturing sexually. Have you tried having intimate conversations with her when sex isn't on the table regarding what she wants or likes? Maybe she doesn't even know and still needs to explore. Have you tried a couple of sessions where you just try to please her and experiment with what she likes and doesn't like?

Regardless it may be tough if not impossible to come back from this kind of emotional gap. I would try to have a conversation about what she wants, but I really don't think you leveraging what you know will get you what you want. As others have pointed out, she may put out a little more out of fear but unless you're an a$$, which it's clear you're not, it's going to be lacking intimacy and empty. If all else fails just tell her gently that the lack of intimacy isn't fair to either of you and it would be better if you both moved on to others you can share that with. Sorry.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

There is no indication she was abused or molested etc. 

I don't think I am an ass or jerk, and I know you just were making a point. I know I am not perfect and may not always say the right thing. I have never compared her to past women and never answered questions she had asked. If I did answer, I avoided answering.

I have tried to ask her what she likes etc and she can't come up with an answer. I asked her if she ever gets turned on at work, or think of us when we are apart etc, she said 'no, should I be?' in an innocent tone. She acts like she is oblivious to sex or something, I can't find the right word.

But yes a no holds barred talk is in the very near future.


----------



## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

Just the fact that you are willing to have sex with her knowing she has no interest and just let's you carry on with it as if she were a blowup doll speaks volumes about how careless you are about her and her needs. She is watching porn to get relief since she can't get it with you. Sad how little most men know about women sexually and how it is very much tied to their emotions. Completely unlike us men.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

A lot of men take any sex is better than no sex. A lot of women feel that offering up their body is better than denying their husband because they are married. Some do it out of love even.

Who is to blame here? She hasn't communicated with him. This isn't all on him.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

forthekids64 said:


> Just the fact that you are willing to have sex with her knowing she has no interest and just let's you carry on with it as if she were a blowup doll speaks volumes about how careless you are about her and her needs. She is watching porn to get relief since she can't get it with you. Sad how little most men know about women sexually and how it is very much tied to their emotions. Completely unlike us men.


I dont think thats a fair post. She may initiate on occasion, or accept my initiation but any further engagement on her part has to be asked for and she likely wont do much then. She'll just take off her PJ pants and come across as being in a good mood but just doesn't reciprocate. I try to be intimate but she just wants to be silly and restrict sex to the same boring routine. If she is about to orgasm she'll get into it. 

I've gone many weeks without initiating and she doesnt seemed too concerned. Then she'll ask why I haven't. I'll say you dont seem interested etc and why I feel that way. I dont get much of a response back only she says she is too anytime. But then I remind her she doesnt want to in the light, and only at bedtime etc. Then she is stuck for words, then blames the kids back in school for poking fun at her for being skinny. 

I do blame myself though in a way. Before marriage I kept the ball in her court for the most part and just went along with whatever she was comfortable doing which was a reasonable amount. I should have taken more of a charge early on and not let go of that control. Now I am at the lowest rung on the ladder.


----------



## PrincessQueenBee (Oct 12, 2014)

Hate to say it, but ya'll have SERIOUS problems. She needs a good,, no not good, great bang session,,,,,,, and if that can happen,,, I think your relationship would blossom!!!! I started off meek,,,,, but have,,,,, as some would say,,,,,,, GRADUATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This thread is filled with so much advice fail I almost cried.

OP...your wife is not attracted to you sexually or she would have sex with. She is not concerned about your needs or she would have sex with you.

Some things in life are made complicated by irrelevant circumstances. All of the other BS in this thread means nothing. 

She's not having sex with you because she doesn't want to.

Can you live with that or not?


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Post 80 sin. Catch up,


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hurra said:


> Yes, she does maybe 30-40% of the time. I can feel when she does.


You can feel when she does? Is this PIV orgasms?

Why doesn't she have them more often?


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Hurra said:


> I have tried to ask her what she likes etc and she can't come up with an answer. I asked her if she ever gets turned on at work, or think of us when we are apart etc, she said 'no, should I be?' in an innocent tone. She acts like she is oblivious to sex or something, I can't find the right word.
> .


THAT sounds like a classic LD woman. Never thinks about sex. Never has a fantasy. never gets turned on at work. Does not think about sex with you when you two are apart.

There is a good LD thread on this site you should read. See if there are other similarities, and a solution or two to try.

And LD woman will not necessarily refuse sex...but she will NEVER initiate it. I believe you can do things to increase her interest in sex...but it is only a short term thing...the next day she will be back to not thinking of it.

Not sure what an LD woman is watching ***** porn about though. Maybe she IS curious about why she is not interested in sex, and desperately trying to find something that DOES turn her on? 

If so, then her watching porn is a good thing--shows she IS trying.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

sinnister said:


> This thread is filled with so much advice fail I almost cried.
> 
> OP...your wife is not attracted to you sexually or she would have sex with. She is not concerned about your needs or she would have sex with you.
> 
> ...


I am glad it wasn't just me who thought this way. Debates about porn and being gay or straight...OP needing to give his wife a good lay...and some just chiming in to make jokes of the situation. I was going to unsubscribe but I really want to know more about the OPs situation.

And yes I agree. The wife sounds really conservative and is staying married out of respect for her vows. She really isn't into him. Has she ever been open to you?


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Someone saying they never think about sex doesn't mean anything. Unless you believe that people never lie about sex I which case yeah, she is LD.

she may have built resentment for the OP and then recently due to her age began getting sexual. She is exploring it. Could there be an OM in the picture who helped? Maybe. But she isn't going to her husband and had not been into him throughout their marriage so what's the simplest conclusion to draw?

Can it be saved? Maybe. If she will open up to him. If not she is making it impossible. He can't do it alone.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

OP- what kind of porn was the man/woman stuff? Was it rough, soft?

When she says something like "no, should I be?" in an innocent tone to a question like that, I would try to flirt about it. Maybe start sending her texts to help her start thinking about it. 

IMO her answer is more of an invitation than a "no, wtf I'm at work... why would I think about sex?!"


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> She wasn't promiscuous. Many abused women are.


CSA victims can fall into either a promiscuous pattern or a prudish pattern prior to marriage. Porn goes against the prudish pattern. Also, porn contradicts toxic shame from her upbringing.

There's nowhere near enough to diagnose the reason for her aversion to sex and the apparent conflicting behavior of watching porn.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What this situation calls for is good communication of expectations and boundaries.

1) What does Hurra expect within his marriage? What does the marriage look like in terms of intimacy and in terms of sex?

2) What are the limits of what will be tolerated? If she refuses MC, does it mean divorce? If the marriage does not look like 1) above by a certain date, does it mean divorce?


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Someone saying they never think about sex doesn't mean anything. Unless you believe that people never lie about sex I which case yeah, she is LD.
> 
> she may have built resentment for the OP and then recently due to her age began getting sexual. She is exploring it. Could there be an OM in the picture who helped? Maybe. But she isn't going to her husband and had not been into him throughout their marriage so what's the simplest conclusion to draw?
> 
> Can it be saved? Maybe. If she will open up to him. If not she is making it impossible. He can't do it alone.


that is a very good point. IF she is frequenting a number of specific sex websites, where members can chat and get to know each other...it is very likely she has virtually hooked up to a man or woman on the internet that is expanding her outlook by suggesting web sites. But he could see that by her internet usage....if it is just to free porn sites--not so much. If it is to sites with an active sex chat membership, then it is very likely.

If i were him, though, i would try to "join in". Ask her to show me the sites she liked, and take an interest in what she is watching. See if there were any way i could enhance her orgasms while watching the porn, and maybe move the interest solely from porn sites into more stuff in my bed learned from the porn sites.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

FalconKing said:


> I am glad it wasn't just me who thought this way. Debates about porn and being gay or straight...OP needing to give his wife a good lay...and some just chiming in to make jokes of the situation. I was going to unsubscribe but I really want to know more about the OPs situation.
> 
> And yes I agree. The wife sounds really conservative and is staying married out of respect for her vows. She really isn't into him. Has she ever been open to you?


maybe i am just an optimist, but i see her porn useage as a "cry for help" for a hard **** in her vag. I would do all i could to make sure it was only mine in there.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hurra said:


> For years I have posted here about my wife who is quite uninteractive in the bedroom, finds penises weird at best, semen disgusting, won't take all her clothes off during sex even in the dark, etc etc etc. I find out a few weeks ago she watches porn online. I've seen at least 2, perhaps 3 occasions now in the past 4 weeks where she has browsed and watched a particular porn site. Its been man/woman porn and female masturbation.
> 
> So I am thinking.... *W T F.*
> 
> ...



Wow, your situation sounded just like mine, uncanny.

Day one of marriage my wifee didn't want sex much and always wore clothes to bed.

Whether she viewed porn or not, I don't know.

For my wifee, it turns out she was extremely insecure about her size and how she looked, clothes fit, etc.

About 15 years of this, you can imagine how crazy I was going. I too viewed porn, not to replace my wifee, but because she was not taking care of my man needs.

Then she one day, decided to start eating healthy, keeping her daily calories in check and now has lost 50 lbs in maybe 6+ months. She has also gone through many new clothes and dropped sizes fast. She's got new hairstyles and even braces which have almost finished straightening her teeth.

I bought her a small silver egg vib, her first sex toy. At first, she was shy and keep that away. Then one day, she used it while I was at work and I got the best sex ever as soon as I walked in the front door.

We do talk about sex now but she is still conservative somewhat.

We took the 5 love languages quiz and compared results. I am Physical 12 and she is......Acts of Service 12. Now I understand her way better and she understands me better. Results posted on the fridge.

Sex was once every month, maybe once every 1.5 months for close to 15 years....now its 1 - 3x WEEK and she initiates way more.

She even surprised me naked waiting in the bathroom when I got out of the shower recently. She is never in the bathroom with me, let alone naked. That was a first.

She loves to give me BJ's and always swallows.

My porn viewing has dropped to almost nothing. Maybe once every few months I get weak, and view porn, that's it.

So it turns out my wifee had a sex drive but was so insecure, she didn't want sex, to be seen naked or anything really, until she started taking care of herself, clothes, teeth, weight, etc.

Maybe this will help you?!


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> A lot of men take any sex is better than no sex. A lot of women feel that offering up their body is better than denying their husband because they are married. Some do it out of love even.
> 
> Who is to blame here? She hasn't communicated with him. This isn't all on him.


Sometimes it is better than no sex, and sometimes it is a humane thing to do to offer it.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Wow, your situation sounded just like mine, uncanny.
> 
> Day one of marriage my wifee didn't want sex much and always wore clothes to bed.
> 
> ...


similar to my wife. Sex frequency was dropping. She had some body image issues, especially her butt and thighs. I took her to a couple lingerie stores, picked out stuff i thought she looked good in, she tried them on to make sure they fit, and we took them home. Over the next 6 months, it was a bit of a fight to convince her she looked sexy in the lingerie...but one day she just said "you really DO like me wearing this stuff"..and i say "HELL YESS". So it takes a lot of positive reinforcement, a lot of lustful touching, etc...but eventually they get convinced.

after that point things changed. She started sexually teasing me, etc.


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> OP- what kind of porn was the man/woman stuff? Was it rough, soft?
> 
> When she says something like "no, should I be?" in an innocent tone to a question like that, I would try to flirt about it. Maybe start sending her texts to help her start thinking about it.
> 
> IMO her answer is more of an invitation than a "no, wtf I'm at work... why would I think about sex?!"


It was man/woman, typical porn. BJ, sex, she cleans up etc. There was also female masturbation. Since first discovering this, I've noted she's only been on this site at least twice, maybe three times since mid-September when I was not at home. I've tried flirting etc but get a 'don't be bad!' or 'not now, I rather get a snack' or 'its not bedtime yet'.




Thor said:


> What this situation calls for is good communication of expectations and boundaries.
> 
> 1) What does Hurra expect within his marriage? What does the marriage look like in terms of intimacy and in terms of sex?
> 
> 2) What are the limits of what will be tolerated? If she refuses MC, does it mean divorce? If the marriage does not look like 1) above by a certain date, does it mean divorce?


1) Partners who are equals where one night I may cuddle into her, another night she feels she wants to cuddle into me. One night I'm in control and on top or whatever, the next she has the desire and genuinely wants me. 

2) I don't know, I think she would be too embarrassed to go to a MC. Either way, if I suggest it to help get our marriage back on track and she refuses, then that's pretty much the final nail in the divorce coffin for me.


My wife says she has issues with her butt and she often complains she's fat. Trust me when I say my wife is not fat and she has a great ass. Like I said earlier she says she has psychological issues from her childhood of other kids poking fun so thats why she won't get naked, even in the dark. What I don't understand is she wears tight fitting dresses, above the knee dresses, and other clothing that doesn't take much of an imagination to see how her body is shaped. I would expect her to be in loose clothes, not a dress with high heels where when she bends over one can pick out her butt cheeks and ass crack perfectly. And she rocks it in her dresses and that makes it even worse for me!

p.s. If anyone is interested in tracking websites being accessed from their home network, sign up for OpenDNS.com (it only logs the domain and date accessed, not the time or device and reporting sucks). Or get a router with custom firmware such as Gargoyle. I immediately signed up for OpenDNS after the first porn discovery. And now have the router in place to see the time and device accessing the domain. And I can view the logs from any internet connection.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

forthekids64 said:


> Just the fact that you are willing to have sex with her knowing she has no interest and just let's you carry on with it as if she were a blowup doll speaks volumes about how careless you are about her and her needs. She is watching porn to get relief since she can't get it with you. Sad how little most men know about women sexually and how it is very much tied to their emotions. Completely unlike us men.


Ridiculous^

Anyway, OP, just have a long talk with your wife and make sure she knows you are being serious. Otherwise her cute innocent answers will be all you will get. If she is watching porn, she isn't that low sex drive. Low intimacy with you, yes. Low sex drive? Not if she is watching porn on the down low.


----------

