# when you are on the receiving end of a white lie...



## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

I think that pretty much everybody tells little white lies. We do it to save face, because we don't want to get into something, because we want to get out of something.

But when the little white lie is so obvious, so blatant, that you basically just need to give the person a pass knowing full well they just lied to you like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, does it bother you? After all, someone is still looking you in the eye and both of you know that person is lying... 

Personally, I let most of these go. I did have trouble letting them go when it was my soon to be ex doing them, and I felt the same with the one man I dated since (although his little white lies were totally selfish and self serving, which got old fast).

So, how much does it bother you to be blatantly lied to? Does it matter who is lying, who benefits, other circumstances?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If the person is close to me, I good naturedly call them on it. If not, I don't because they don't mean anything to me. Just tuck that tidbit back for future reference.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Begin again said:


> I think that pretty much everybody tells little white lies. We do it to save face, because we don't want to get into something, because we want to get out of something.
> 
> But when the little white lie is so obvious, so blatant, that you basically just need to give the person a pass knowing full well they just lied to you like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, does it bother you? After all, someone is still looking you in the eye and both of you know that person is lying...
> 
> ...


Relationships are built on trust.. being able to take someone for their word.. sure we screw up, DO some stupid things, say stupid things in a moment...that to me is even less of an issue over someone blatantly lying to my face... Own it.. 

If we always owned up.. maybe we'd white lie a little less.. 

It may be a challenge sometimes -as something we think or feel can come off offending to another.. or they WILL GET MAD... but still what is the value of truth? 

I did a thread on the various ways people lie.. I really don't find it acceptable at all..I expect some white lying from acquaintances, people trying to fit in & crap like that... being nice/ putting on a good face when they may think someone is a blow hard.. but those who we're close to... I just can't go there.. we have more intimacy and trust.. it's not acceptable..

>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...s-why-people-lie-how-much-acceptable-you.html



> Psychology Behind Why People Lie ........
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Isaac Asimov wrote a very interesting story in which he pointed out that the unvarnished truth could convey a much larger lie.

I think it was Truth to Tell?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

As long as she is telling me I'm smart and handsome, her little white lies are ok.

Sorry @Blondilocks, I won't call her out on those... :grin2:


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Thanks, SA, for sharing all of that. I grew up with honesty being very important, and I still believe it is. I have been told I'm too honest and I've had to learn that I can't hold everyone to my same standard. Still, after I grew tired of the little white lies with this last guy, I questioned whether he was lying or if I was just too much on the lookout for them. He would brag about things I couldn't verify, or make excuses that sounded like lies, and I never could prove if he was lying, but my gut told me that one person couldn't have so many unusual circumstances and that he was really just making things up. In fact, I wonder now if he was almost compulsive. 

Anyway, I hope I can find a really honest man one day...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It sounds to me that your "little white lies" were something more than the value placed on the occasional little white lie to be polite, what you refer to seem so much more outright and blatant... those are neither tactful nor polite.

When it comes to self-inflating lies, many would rather look good than live the truth.

That said, I will readily apologize for a feeling that seems hurtful and that will anger my wife as she see's it apologizing for being truthful, but the truth to me may be better left unsaid than offending. This is quite a shift in my thinking and probably an overcompensation in how I choose today to deal with expectations and disappointment .

Still, that dress my wife chooses may not in my opinion be the best style on her and she would still be beautiful in my eyes.... I hope she see's the honesty in that.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Begin again said:


> Thanks, SA, for sharing all of that. I grew up with honesty being very important, and I still believe it is. I have been told I'm too honest and I've had to learn that I can't hold everyone to my same standard. Still, after I grew tired of the little white lies with this last guy, I questioned whether he was lying or if I was just too much on the lookout for them. He would brag about things I couldn't verify, or make excuses that sounded like lies, and I never could prove if he was lying, but my gut told me that one person couldn't have so many unusual circumstances and that he was really just making things up. In fact, I wonder now if he was almost compulsive.
> 
> Anyway, I hope I can find a really honest man one day...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can. I am one of those very honest guys. The key here is to never lower your standard. It's not holding someone to your standard it's holding yourself to the ideals you believe in an only letting people in close who share the same. For me that means I am very picky with friends and don't count every person I ever meet as a close confidant. I probably have 2 or three I would truely trust with anything. But to me I would rather only have a few close people in my life that I can really trust then a bunch who are selfish or can't tell the truth.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I am not sure I can believe truthfulness can be present 100% of the time... but then I don't expect perfection in people anymore either, what does matter to me is intent, that is where my standards would come into play.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> You can. I am one of those very honest guys. The key here is to never lower your standard. It's not holding someone to your standard it's holding yourself to the ideals you believe in an only letting people in close who share the same. For me that means I am very picky with friends and don't count every person I ever meet as a close confidant. I probably have 2 or three I would truely trust with anything. But to me I would rather only have a few close people in my life that I can really trust then a bunch who are selfish or can't tell the truth.


I'm definitely like you. Knowing that someone tells me the truth, even when I won't like it, means I can trust them. When trust is there, you have the foundation for a solid relationship. And I need to trust a man in order to keep finding him sexually attractive. No trust - might as well have a FWB situation or an ONS, but definitely not a LTR. And lies by omission count with me. You decide not to tell me part of the story because I didn't ask the right question... same as lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Often, we are trained by our partners what responses are safe and are not.

I have often heard others say they respects total truth and would want that over anything, yet when total truth is given, defensiveness and chaos erupts. It takes a strong person to accept an honest statement about themselves that can cut to the core.

And while I am not able to engage you as this is a discussion of interest to me, I still believe there is significant difference in the thread title and what is referred to as the discussion progressed. 

I've always believed integrity is what we tell ourselves, honesty is what we tell others. We all surely fail from time to time, our most humble measure is ourselves.

With that, I'll respectfully bow out.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I happen to be one that believes that white lies are necessary at times. If we all told the truth to one another 100% of the time, most people would go around just hurt all the time. The vast majority of people can't handle the truth (with apologies to Jack Nicholson).

I have a saying that I've lived by for many years. Oftentimes, the first thought that pops into my head should be the last thing out of my mouth.

If I'm asked what I think about someone else or someone else's idea or the outfit someone is wearing or how someone looks, well, it's just a landmine. Do you tell a white lie to be considerate and polite or do you tell someone what you really think. The latter is more than likely going to be interpreted as brutal honesty or just plain rudeness.

Remember that we have to live with these other people and we often don't like or completely disapprove of their ideas, their choices or their shortcomings. Revealing that when questioned doesn't benefit anyone. If it hurts other people, I'm inclined to think a white lie is the better alternative.

If my wife gained 10 lbs, would I be better off telling her that it didn't look good, if asked, or tell a white lie so as not to hurt her feelings. 

No, I just don't think it's possible for us humans to be 100% honest all the time and better still, would we really want it that way. Would you prefer someone to be polite and spare your feelings or would you prefer someone to be completely honest when it meant that you could have your toes stepped on. I'd wager that the vast majority would prefer the former.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Begin again said:


> Thanks, SA, for sharing all of that. I grew up with honesty being very important, and I still believe it is. I have been told I'm too honest and I've had to learn that I can't hold everyone to my same standard. Still, after I grew tired of the little white lies with this last guy, I questioned whether he was lying or if I was just too much on the lookout for them. He would brag about things I couldn't verify, or make excuses that sounded like lies, and I never could prove if he was lying, but my gut told me that one person couldn't have so many unusual circumstances and that he was really just making things up. In fact, I wonder now if he was almost compulsive.


 from what you have said... I'd trust your GUT with this one.. . a reasonable person is going to catch on to someone like this.. those little







's keep cropping up..

I've also been told I can be TOO honest.. so has my husband...even by one of his bosses yrs ago..... he answered a question.. and his boss shoots back.. "You can't say that!" my husband says "but it's the truth Boss ".. and he says ..."I know but you just can't say [email protected]#"... I can't remember what it was about... darn it....but when he came home to tell me this.. I thought it was hilarious... If I recall right...it was more of something that made my husband look stupid.. but so what.. it was the truth (there was a humbleness here.. not white lying to make himself sound like he's Mr Alpha -which I'd say is way more common)...some of his male co-workers are like this.. he shakes his head. 

Unfortunately I think the words to Billy Joel's "Honesty... is such a lonely word..."  is too often what we get from others ...."Lip service".... sometimes to make themselves look good, or get off the hook...they say something to praise another but their heart is far from you... it's unfortunate. 



> Anyway, I hope I can find a really honest man one day...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 You were raised right... would seem an awful shame if you couldn't find someone who valued highly this virtue in you...



> *Mostlycontent said:* I have a saying that I've lived by for many years. Oftentimes, the first thought that pops into my head should be the last thing out of my mouth.


 but we don't always have a negative response when we initially meet someone , or come upon something.. I know I don't... sometimes I am truly IMPRESSED by other people.. and I may feel even a little funny sharing how much I look up to them.. like it may be too forward of me.. in the hospital with my C-sections.. there were some nurses I truly loved.. they were friendly / attentive, a smile on their faces... others were royal Bi*ches ....I wanted to compliment those I appreciated.. 

True.. best to keep my mouth completely shut around those who just weren't nice.. always had a scowl on their faces.. I'd do anything to stay out of their way...yet because of people like THAT.. something in me rises up and I WANT to praise the GOOD I see around me... this should "pay it forward" / encourage others they are appreciated- for what they bring. 

It's never just Lip service with me.. or trying to fit in.. I hate when people do this.. as it's all surface







...what is gleamed from this... generally you can even tell.. their heart is not into these conversations.. they don't get DEEP.. there is no growth here.. there is no learning.. no vulnerability...sharing our truths with each other.. 

We shouldn't fear showing the good bad & some ugly with those we are close to...who we TRUST, who love us despite some of our flaws & shortcomings..... this doesn't mean = rudeness either... 

I believe there is ALWAYS a way.. to tactfully present another opinion or to speak truth.. without blatant offending...do we all act like Donald Trump [email protected]# of course not!

This doesn't mean, however that others won't be very sensitive or would rather you lie through your teeth.. I guess this is one thing we need to evaluate with people - to get along.. 

Me personally.. I don't want the







!... if you don't really LIKE me.. this is valuable information to me.. maybe there is something I can do to change this -to improve our relationship.. or maybe I should step away...this being in my best interest...

IF one starts white lying their way through everything.. this taints it all... 

Now here is the thing... to be REAL -like I am speaking.. one also has to be humble about ourselves.. our own shortcomings.. etc.. we need to be "approachable" people.. we also need to be understanding of where another is coming from.. this takes empathy..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I have often heard others say they respects total truth and would want that over anything, yet when total truth is given, defensiveness and chaos erupts. It takes a strong person to accept an honest statement about themselves that can cut to the core.


 very true... I've always liked this scripture...










And sometimes we just need to take a step back... evaluate where the other person is coming from ... it may be sincere.. but it may not be too...

*1.* Are they speaking to help us (they truly care about our welfare & some constructive criticism is warranted) - those "wounds of a friend"...OR 

*2.* Are they subtly seeking to put us down, to lift themselves up..

"Motives" can be all over the map ...

If it's the 1st.. we'd do well to listen..roll it around in our heads..even it it stings.. evaluate it... if the 2nd.. hopefully our self confidence will not allow that to bruise us.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It all depends
I tell my wife that she is as beautiful as she was when we met 35 years ago. When I say it, I mean it, I adore her, but rationally I know it isn't really true. Its just a way of saying that I love her. 

White lies that can negatively affect someone's behavior are different and need to be considered carefully.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Now here is the thing... to be REAL -like I am speaking.. one also has to be humble about ourselves.. our own shortcomings.. etc.. we need to be "approachable" people.. we also need to be understanding of where another is coming from.. this takes empathy..



I agree with much of what you say, SA, but this is where the theory, if you will, falls apart. Most people are not this way at all. In fact, most people are incredibly thin skinned and have a very inaccurate view of themselves. 

There are some of us, to be sure, that are capable of accurate self assessment or who strive to be better people and truly work on it but I just don't think very many people do this or are able to be introspective at all. I believe that is a gift in and of itself that not everybody has.


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