# How would you react?



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

How would you feel if your husband invited an old female classmate to come and stay at your home before checking with you? What if he also took days off from work and planned, in detail what they were going to do. He asked me if I was going to take a day off to join them, but because of work obligations, I couldn’t do it. It is not that I am jealous of her, particularly after meeting her, but I am feeling slighted for a number of reasons. And to me, it is just the general idea.

Some of these places I have visited over the last few years with my children and their families, but my husband declined to join us for one reason or another. A few of these required a fee or some kind of admission, yet when he and I went to the area a couple of years ago, he didn’t want to pay the fee to get it. He planned the days – when I can’t get him to plan or participate planning in anything we do. He took pictures of her and I I don’t recall that he has EVER taken a picture of me. 

Even our DIL commented that this seemed out of the ordinary.

Am I over-reacting? We have just been through MC and the therapist said she was not sure he had the capability to give me some basic emotional needs that I have, emotionally. Additionally, he has admitted that he puts money and his possessions ahead of me. Things have not been going well for us. Was he using her and this opportunity to “get back at me” for what he perceives as my lack of appreciation for him. Feel free to check out my other posts. 

Neither one of us are spring chickens and been married for 25 years. Am I over-reacting?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think you are over reacting. He should not be inviting anyone to stay at your home without your agreement to it. And then him inviting a woman? Nope.

This whole thing with him having basically a vacation with another woman right under your nose is not cool at all.

You need to put your foot down about his. Not acceptable at all.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

He's basically going to be dating her....while staying in your home. That wouldn't sit well with me.....at all!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> It is not that I am jealous of her, particularly after meeting her, but I am feeling slighted for a number of reasons. And to me, it is just the general idea.


Why are you not concerned about her?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Katiebird said:


> How would you feel if your husband invited an old female classmate to come and stay at your home before checking with you? What if he also took days off from work and planned, in detail what they were going to do. He asked me if I was going to take a day off to join them, but because of work obligations, I couldn’t do it. It is not that I am jealous of her, particularly after meeting her, but I am feeling slighted for a number of reasons. And to me, it is just the general idea.
> 
> Some of these places I have visited over the last few years with my children and their families, but my husband declined to join us for one reason or another. A few of these required a fee or some kind of admission, yet when he and I went to the area a couple of years ago, he didn’t want to pay the fee to get it. He planned the days – when I can’t get him to plan or participate planning in anything we do. He took pictures of her and I I don’t recall that he has EVER taken a picture of me.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't be happy. I would change my plans and show up unannounced. Besides that he sounds awful, is he on the spectrum by any chance?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

This is true. My wife and I shared a girlfriend who lived with us on and off for 30 years but was in our bed whether she lives with us or not. We were a poly triad all in love and sexual with each other. I could and did have sex with just our girlfriend when my wife was not in the mood. Yet, I never dated her unless all three of us could go. Never in 30 years did I go somewhere with our girlfriend without my wife. I did go out with my wife without our girlfriend though. My wife never dated her girlfriend. Once they went to a concert that I did not want to go to but that is all they did, coming straight home afterwards. 

My wife would not like me going out with females without her and I would not like my wife going out with males and females without me. When it comes to men and women being together, emotions can quickly result in making bad decisions. Does not matter what the girl looks like or her personality. A sure thing is always very attractive to men. I just know too many people who lost their spouses due to innocent sounding things like dinner with the boss for secretary day or a guy or girl attending a week long convention or seminar with someone of the opposite sex. Those things have a lot of drinking and partying at night. Last time I had a married women from work trying very hard to get me to agree to have sex with her. After a few drinks she would call my room and offer to do anything I wanted to her. I have had female clients tell me that they bought new lingerie and ask me if I would like them to model it and give my opinion as a man. Heck, I once had a very drunk 83 year old women at a bar, toss me her room key and told me to meet her in an hour.

So I do not think you are over reacting no matter what your husband says. It is so much easier to have an affair with someone you have an emotional bond with, like friendship, then a stranger. With a 50% divorce rate and a higher rate of cheating, why tempt fate and tip the odds away from you? I never believed in males having female friends when they are in a relationship. We are all genetically disposed to find a mate with a good set of genes to create babies with. That primal urge to reproduce which is the only reason for existence with animals and plants alike, is our strongest urge and even overrides our brains most of the time Guys like to just have sex with someone new and women want are very competitive when it comes to men. Must watch the TV show the Bachelor to see how women fight for a man they hardly know outside of the camera range. I have found that there are many girls who enjoy having a married man to show him how much better sexually they are. My wife has no male friends and I have no female friends and we are married for 44 years as a result. We either play together or not at all.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

He is doing it because he is at a point in his marriage where he just doesn't care. Sadly you, his wife, are of such little concern to him that he couldn't even be bothered to consult with you before inviting another person to stay in your home. And to bring a woman into your home? Wow, that's ballsy. 

As someone else said, he gets to date and have a little vacation with another woman right under your nose, and he's probably going to expect you to play nice and cater to her while she's there. Absolutely unforgivable callous disrespect toward you Katiebird.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is being a total B! I am sure if you invited a male friend he would not be so accommodating. Do you have any male friends?

Tell him how you feel. Do not cook for them, wash her clothes, nothing. Give her the evil eye, she also has some guts coming into another woman's home and going on trips with her H, doesn't she have any self respect? Make sure she knows you are not happy with her presence. Ask her pointed questions about her love life, why she doesn't have a man etc.

Do you have sisters, friends, in laws, parents, etc you could invite over, fill up the house, what about children? Tell them also, they will keep an eye on their father. Make it so uncomfortable for the pair of them. I am sure he would have some explaining to do.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

This stinks OP, because when I read your post my reaction was the same as normal, obviously unacceptable. 

Then I remembered that there is that one person that I could innocently catch myself doing a few of these things for. As a guy, I had that one female friend growing up who could hang as one of the guys. From almost before I could remember, grade school, through the teen party years, to our 20's/early adulthood and beyond, she was part of that core group of friends that made up all my fond memories. She was like a sister friend that I'd give guy advise to and she'd give advice on women. Now we're all much order, all have families, and I haven't seen her in years. If I suddenly got a text or e-mail from her saying she was back in town and lets get together, I could see myself innocently getting excited enough to offer to drop everything, mentally go off "family routine" mode, and try to make plans before checking with my wife. It'd be more of a knee-jerk reaction to the news as opposed to an action done out of disrespect to my wife (and something I also could do for the other 2 or 3 male friends that I grew up with...).

All that being said, even a knee-jerk reaction wouldn't be enough to invite someone to stay at our home without checking with my wife first. That's a whole different level. And unfortunately, appearances also matter. When you're young, no one bats an eye if you have a friend of the opposite sex. As an adult, it's a scandal that rocks the entire town. It's sad, really... 

So long story short, it's probably a good idea to nip this in the bud before it goes on too long, but before allowing any jealousy to get involved, it could just be an innocent friendship thing that just got a little out of hand...


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Yea, sounds off for sure.

Ask him... why would you put effort planning stuff with her when you didn't even want to see this with your family.
I feel like you take your family for granted and its offensive to me the way your treating your childhood friend better than your own family.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

No acceptable at all.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Why are you not concerned about her?


Not sure. He said she is opinionated. I found her to be a bit boorish. Maybe I should be . . .


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. I tried to be the "good wife" and be fairly welcoming, but the more I thought about this whole thing, the more it stuck in my craw. He has had a really good childhood friend (male) who comes to our area every year or so, but has never invited him to stay with us or done more than take him out to lunch. They (he and his classmate) went to art galleries and stores that if he went with me, he'd have protested loudly or waited for me outside. Not sure what to think.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Katiebird said:


> Thanks for the replies. I tried to be the "good wife" and be fairly welcoming, but the more I thought about this whole thing, the more it stuck in my craw.


Apparently, that's been your biggest fault for years and has gotten you nothing but continually disrespected and walked all over.



> I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that he really doesn't care and is checked out - as you all have said - and just go on. What a waste.


You posted this ^^^ about your husband back in December of 2016.

You also ended the thread saying you were done, done, *DONE*.

I guess you chose to stay with him even though he's completely disengaged from you in every conceivable way and shows you ZERO respect. I'll assume your reasons are still financial. 

So Mr. Wonderful, in his never-ending quest to disrespect you and put the screws to you, brought some woman into YOUR home and is treating her like a new girlfriend and taking her out and showing her all the sites. Let me guess - *you're* preparing meals for these two fools when they're not out painting the town red, and providing fresh linens for her and anything else she needs during her stay at the KatieBird Suites. I highly doubt your ass-hole husband is doing any of the work when he has YOU to cater to his every need (and apparently, his 'guests' needs now, too).

I guess the day will come when you finally realize just how much of your life you've wasted on this selfish jerk, constantly twisting yourself into a pretzel to please him and hoping to 'win' his love. He's a selfish, self-entitled, self-important, self-absorbed, nasty excuse for a man and you *know *this deep down.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Katiebird said:


> Thanks for the replies. I tried to be the "good wife" and be fairly welcoming, but the more I thought about this whole thing, the more it stuck in my craw. He has had a really good childhood friend (male) who comes to our area every year or so, but has never invited him to stay with us or done more than take him out to lunch. They (he and his classmate) went to art galleries and stores that if he went with me, he'd have protested loudly or waited for me outside. Not sure what to think.


Email her with a list of hotels in the area.Then ring her and explain that she is not welcome in your home.
Don't try to be nice,she certainly isn't.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

Has this visit already occurred or is it upcomimg?


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Wife5362 said:


> Has this visit already occurred or is it upcomimg?


Already occurred.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I read through your post hoping to get an indication of your husband's character. If he was a natural host and planner I was considering letting it slide. Some people just like to take people out, invite them over, etc. and I do think that's harmless.

HOWEVER, he's not doing any of those things with your OR your family. Hell no. 

I would act. And quickly. I'd call her, directly, and say she's not welcome. Then I'd tell my husband flat out, this is unacceptable.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

The most important thing is to NOT let him do all of this. She is not to set foot in your home or in the presence of your husband.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Katiebird said:


> Already occurred.


Do you have an update on how it all turned out?


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Do you have an update on how it all turned out?


First, I need to correct something I said. I said that he invited her before he told me. In thinking about it, he did tell me, but I asked him why she could not stay at a hotel. He did not want to do that. 

So, they spent two days, while I worked, going around the area and seeing all of the sights, eating out, shopping, etc. I went to dinner with them one night after I got off work. The last day, I suggested a local event that would have involved one of my children and one of his children and their families and he said it was probably going to be hot and boring, she said that did not sound interesting and so off they went on another sightseeing excursion and I went to the event with family. My thing was done in about two hours and then I came home. They were gone about six hours and had a late lunch in a nearby town. Did not bother to call to see if I could join them. Before she left my husband was encouraging her to come back to the area. During the whole time, she never asked about what I do, the volunteer work, our kids or grandkids. I bored her with a few pictures and all she said was "Hmmm." She never commented on our home. 

When I mentioned something this morning, he manages to turn it back on me. I asked him why he could spend time, money and planning for this and yet that was one thing that I had asked him to do during MC – take initiative and plan something fun for us to do. It did not need to cost a lot of money. He said it was because I was so busy and he was working so hard around the house without any appreciation. He said he was “sorry you feel that way” about having her here, and that this was another example of how nothing he does is ever right or good enough. I pointed out that his actions don’t match his words. He says he wants to work on the relationship but then does this stuff. 

So, now I get the silent treatment because this is my fault because I don’t show him appreciation for all the things he does. Obviously, this is my side of the story. But when I asked him how he wants me to show appreciation for the things he does, he just ended the conversation.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Deleted


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Katiebird said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > Why are you not concerned about her?
> ...


I think your husband is way out of line. 

How would you rate the woman as far as physical attraction?


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

You were WAY too accommodating and WAY too understanding. I'm not saying he absolutely cheated on you, but I think he's testing the waters for a potential relationship with this woman.
Honestly? This entire situation and the way he reacted after the situation is enough for me to file. I couldn't live with someone who treated some next woman better than me. For context, I RARELY suggest filing, but he had an emotional (maybe even physical) affair right in front of your face.
I wish you the best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> Not sure. He said she is opinionated. I found her to be a bit boorish. Maybe I should be . . .


It does not matter how you find her. What matters is what he thinks of her. And that is not necessarily what he will tell you. Men who cheat will often tell their wife negative things about the other woman.

One of my sisters found this out. Her husband often made negative comments about a woman he worked with. When they were in social situations, afterwards he would tell my sister that he could not stand the woman. That was until he dumped by sister for the woman and he married her. He was having an affair with the woman the entire time and used the negative comments as a smoke screen.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm baffled. Seriously baffled. Why are you allowing him to treat you this way? Why are you putting up with this nonsense? I'd really like to know what, if any, qualities your husband possesses that keep you in the marriage.

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't react. I'd take concrete action. If I were in your shoes, my first course of action would be to see a good family law attorney, get my financial ducks in a row, and then file for divorce. Life is waaaaayyyyyy too short to spend it in such a crummy situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I'm baffled. Seriously baffled. Why are you allowing him to treat you this way? Why are you putting up with this nonsense? I'd really like to know what, if any, qualities your husband possesses that keep you in the marriage.
> 
> To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't react. I'd take concrete action. If I were in your shoes, my first course of action would be to see a good family law attorney, get my financial ducks in a row, and then file for divorce. Life is waaaaayyyyyy too short to spend it in such a crummy situation.


:iagree: Why do you allow him to treat you this way?


Why did you allow her to come stay in your home and allow our husband to basically date her for several days?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Katiebird,

My thoughts are that your H is in at least an EA with this woman, your disrespect detector was going off for a very good reason. 

It's almost a cliche that people have deeply hidden emotional affairs with people from the time before they met their spouse. In a sense those people have the prior claim on his affection and it's very powerful. Many people have no idea that they were their spouses settled on them as a second or third choice, and at the same time kept their true love object in their life. 

Does your H communicate with this OW regularly. Is this OW married?

Bringing her to your house is like domesticating or legitimizing the affair. I do recall that when my W had OM-1 at our house it felt really really ugly.

Tamat


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

TAMAT said:


> Katiebird,
> 
> My thoughts are that your H is in at least an EA with this woman, your disrespect detector was going off for a very good reason.
> 
> ...


Interesting observation. Although she is not much to look at now, IMO, she was cute in HS and is actually the only female from his HS days I can ever recall him mentioning. I did not think about that until now. She is not married, never has been. Apparently told him she never met Mr. Right. They communicate occasionally, but not frequently, that I know of.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> I'm baffled. Seriously baffled. Why are you allowing him to treat you this way? Why are you putting up with this nonsense? I'd really like to know what, if any, qualities your husband possesses that keep you in the marriage.
> 
> To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't react. I'd take concrete action. If I were in your shoes, my first course of action would be to see a good family law attorney, get my financial ducks in a row, and then file for divorce. Life is waaaaayyyyyy too short to spend it in such a crummy situation.


Really good question. Mostly financial. Partly because I want to be a grandmother to his child's children. Partly because I have a hard time admitting defeat. I've got so much time invested that I hate to give up on. However, even my MC is encouraging me to think of other possibilities. She had us quit couples counseling because she said she was not sure he had the capacity to be emotionally invested, or that he really wanted to be.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> Mostly financial.


You have a marriage of longevity. Generally, half of a spouse's earnings during the marriage are divided 50/50 (in community property states) or equitably (in equity states). You would also qualify for alimony. So what you are saying is you are willing to allow a man to debase you and treat you like crap for money. Again, see a good attorney. You won't walk away broke and you'll even be able to walk away with your self-respect. 



Katiebird said:


> Partly because *I want to be a grandmother to his child's children*. Partly because I have a hard time admitting defeat. *I've got so much time invested *that I hate to give up on.


These are excuses, not reasons. Maybe you should consider the "time invested" more as time wasted. I can't even grasp why people come on TAM asking for advice for their downright rotten marriages and then give a litany of excuses to stay. I can only assume you want tips on how to tolerate remaining with a man who doesn't care for you. Sorry, I have no suggestions. If you want to stay, fine. Then learn to suck it up and just go about doing your own thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> Really good question. Mostly financial. Partly because I want to be a grandmother to his child's children. Partly because I have a hard time admitting defeat. I've got so much time invested that I hate to give up on. However, even my MC is encouraging me to think of other possibilities. She had us quit couples counseling because she said she was not sure he had the capacity to be emotionally invested, or that he really wanted to be.


Why couldn't you still keep in touch with his child and be a grandmother anyway?

I am divorced from my step children's father. They still view me as their mother and are always in contact with me.

Have you checked out what your settlement would be in a divorce?


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> You have a marriage of longevity. Generally, half of a spouse's earnings during the marriage are divided 50/50 (in community property states) or equitably (in equity states). You would also qualify for alimony. So what you are saying is you are willing to allow a man to debase you and treat you like crap for money. Again, see a good attorney. You won't walk away broke and you'll even be able to walk away with your self-respect.
> 
> 
> 
> These are excuses, not reasons. Maybe you should consider the "time invested" more as time wasted. I can't even grasp why people come on TAM asking for advice for their downright rotten marriages and then give a litany of excuses to stay. I can only assume you want tips on how to tolerate remaining with a man who doesn't care for you. Sorry, I have no suggestions. If you want to stay, fine. Then learn to suck it up and just go about doing your own thing.


As much as I hate to admit it. You are right. I either need to do something or suck it up and go on and quit complaining. I always manage to come away from these issues with him feeling like I am the bad guy, the unreasonable one, the crazy one and what he is suggesting is perfectly normal and reasonable.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

When he told you about it and said she couldn't stay at a hotel, did you in any way tell him it was OK for her to stay at your house?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Katiebird said:


> Not sure. He said she is opinionated. I found her to be a bit boorish. Maybe I should be . . .


Of the hundreds and hundreds of affairs I've read about on these forums, at least 50% of them started with the cheating spouse telling the betrayed spouse how 'awful' the future (or current) affair partner is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Katiebird said:


> First, I need to correct something I said. I said that he invited her before he told me. In thinking about it, he did tell me, but I asked him why she could not stay at a hotel. He did not want to do that.
> 
> So, they spent two days, while I worked, going around the area and seeing all of the sights, eating out, shopping, etc. I went to dinner with them one night after I got off work. The last day, I suggested a local event that would have involved one of my children and one of his children and their families and he said it was probably going to be hot and boring, she said that did not sound interesting and so off they went on another sightseeing excursion and I went to the event with family. My thing was done in about two hours and then I came home. They were gone about six hours and had a late lunch in a nearby town. Did not bother to call to see if I could join them. Before she left my husband was encouraging her to come back to the area. During the whole time, she never asked about what I do, the volunteer work, our kids or grandkids. I bored her with a few pictures and all she said was "Hmmm." She never commented on our home.
> 
> ...


Come on, Katie. You're smarter than this.

You are being gaslighted.

Is she married? If so, call her husband. If not, call his parents.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Katiebird said:


> Interesting observation. Although she is not much to look at now, IMO, she was cute in HS and is actually the only female from his HS days I can ever recall him mentioning. I did not think about that until now. She is not married, never has been. Apparently told him she never met Mr. Right. They communicate occasionally, but not frequently, that I know of.


My ex-SIL divorced my brother - and probably cheated on him before doing so - with the guy she was not allowed to date in high school. All it took was him looking her up on FB, and off she went.

Psychologically, you simply cannot compete with their high school memories, when we were strong, brave, naive, and ready to take on the world. 

I'll bet money they've already had sex.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

To him, she's forever 18. And you let them date. 

You have bigger problems than you thought.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> ... Partly because I have a hard time admitting defeat.


I understand this. I, too, didn't want to go admit I had to leave alcoholic husband #2. And it got bad. REALLY bad before I walked out.

But in hindsight, I realized I'd rather admit defeat than relinquish my dignity.

Something to consider ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People who stay in dysfunctional marriages can always find excuses to justify their reluctance to leave. I did. Why? I married young and I felt marriage should be forever. So for decades I made excuse after excuse after excuse to stay. Late in life I finally got out. My only regret? Not getting out decades before.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Katiebird said:


> Neither one of us are spring chickens and been married for 25 years. Am I over-reacting?


 @Katiebird it is very possible that your husband is having or could end up having an emotional affair with this woman. Both may claim it is just a "friendship" and that nothing sexual would ever happen between them.

The key thing to ask yourself is if this "friendship" is something that brings your husband closer to you (in that he shares everything with you and you learn more about your husband), or if it takes him away from you (in that he is closed and chooses to hide aspects of this friendship with you). Keep in mind that if it is pulling him away from you that he may compensate by only selectively sharing certain things with you to make you feel as if everything is OK. 

Here is what may happen. You and your husband likely have your share of problems, as does this other woman in her past/present relationships. The two of them will open up about these things with one another in private and begin comparing notes on what things help and do not help. Then they may begin discussing intimate details of their lives and this aspect of "vulnerability" will set off a spark that can become extremely rewarding for the two of them to spend time together, and eventually pull them together and away from you. 

It kind of works like a rebound relationship. If two people are in emotional pain and can help one another, the relationship becomes euphoric. Once the pain is gone, so is the relationship as it is no longer needed. But in its wake is a path of self destruction created by running away from problems as opposed to actually solving them. 

If you tell your husband he can't see this woman, he may get very upset (a sign of an emotional affair) and claim he needs this friendship (because he needs an escape). If this happens, try to stay calm. Insist your husband would be better with male friends and that spending time with a female friend is awkward and blame the fact that you do not trust "her intentions" by saying your husband is so wonderful that she will not be able to stop herself from falling in love with him, and that it would be so cruel for him to do that to her since he is married to you...

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I cannot believe you allowed this. You should have put your foot down and refused to let her stay there. If he didnt like it, then he can leave. You are allowing your husband to date another woman, are you not cognizant of this fact?? Her disrespect for you while staying there was repugnant, and I cannot fathom why you tolerated this. 

Your husband needs to go. Period.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Wow! The messages are clear! Thanks for the very direct responses.

She lives 2,000 miles from us. My guess is that they may maintain an email/phone relationship. I made it abundantly clear how much this hurt me. Every argument he made, I could refute. “you won’t let me have any friends.” He has no friends – but not my fault. “I would do this for anyone who was not familiar with our area” He did not do this for my DIL and grandchildren when I asked him to. 

He ended up offering an apology, but I honestly think it was to make HIS pain (and my talking) stop.

Stupid me for not putting my foot down when it felt so uncomfortable to begin with. This whole situation is an embarrassment. 

Interestingly, he was quite nice to me yesterday. A little less so today. I am going to see how the next month goes (my grandkids are coming for a visit in between). I am meeting with my IC – who has already said that this is a bad situation. My plan now is to talk to an attorney to see where I stand and begin to make other plans.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Katiebird, it hurts when you realize after the fact that you were walked over by those two. At least you recognize it now and are acting. 

Being the "cool" wife is nice, but I believe it can only happen in a relationship where the trust is already high and the trusted spouse has good boundaries with OSF. Your husband has not reached either of those planes yet. He may never. It's clear that he likes this woman.

You were most definite a 3rd wheel, in the way. Why make this man a priority when you are clearly an option? You deserve a lot better.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Well let's add insult to injury. I just found out I am loosing my job next month. That kind of throws a monkey wrench into things. I am not sure what I expected but, support is not what I am getting. Good chance we will lose the house if I can't find a decent paying job. He is withdrawing again and seems depressed. Considering I make a bit more I guess it is no wonder. Sometimes timing just bites!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> Well let's add insult to injury. I just found out I am loosing my job next month. That kind of throws a monkey wrench into things. I am not sure what I expected but, support is not what I am getting. Good chance we will lose the house if I can't find a decent paying job. He is withdrawing again and seems depressed. Considering I make a bit more I guess it is no wonder. Sometimes timing just bites!


Ouch! That's tough.

Hopefully you will be able to get a new job quickly.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> Not sure. He said she is opinionated. I found her to be a bit boorish. Maybe I should be . . .


you should be. I have found that the more negative stuff a guy tells his partner about his so called friend, the more he likes her. 

When my (future) husband had his friend, he tried to ease my mind by telling me that not only is she dating someone else but also told him that the other guy's **** was bigger and that he was better in bed. (they dated before he met me).

I asked him, do you like having friends who tell you things like that? He only got rid of her when I told him that I would start dating again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

aine said:


> He is being a total B! I am sure if you invited a male friend he would not be so accommodating. Do you have any male friends?
> 
> Tell him how you feel. Do not cook for them, wash her clothes, nothing. *Give her the evil eye, she also has some guts coming into another woman's home and going on trips with her H, doesn't she have any self respect? *Make sure she knows you are not happy with her presence. Ask her pointed questions about her love life, why she doesn't have a man etc.
> 
> Do you have sisters, friends, in laws, parents, etc you could invite over, fill up the house, what about children? Tell them also, they will keep an eye on their father. Make it so uncomfortable for the pair of them. I am sure he would have some explaining to do.


In all fairness, she may not have any idea what's going on. what I would do is call her and tell her the conditions under which she would be staying and telling her that you do not want her to come as a result.

Don't wait until she comes and treat poorly. If she does come, force her into a hotel. If your husband follows, well, you have your answer.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Talked with my IC - formerly our MC - confirmed that this is highly likely an EA. She said she does not give this advice often or lightly, but it simply is not going to work. If I stay married, I need to live an emotionally and as physically separate life from him so he does not continue to hurt me. I guess I knew that, but it is difficult to hear . . . again


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look. You can always get back together down the road. People do that. Right now, you need your own companionship. And he needs to see what it's like not to have you to take for granted.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Katie,

This EA is more like a double agent in the spy community, they work for one intelligence service for years or decades, all the while their true loyalty is with the enemy. 

A famous case of this was Prince Charles and Camilla, it didn't matter that his wife was glamorous and beautiful, while his mistress was married and looked like a rottweiler dog, he reverted to his early love all the same.

Tamat


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> Katie,
> 
> This EA is more like a double agent in the spy community, they work for one intelligence service for years or decades, all the while their true loyalty is with the enemy.
> 
> ...


It did come out that Camilla "approved of LadyDi" for Prince Charles thinking that she was docile and easy to manipulate. 
They could continue their relationship even while both were married. 

IMO, the less obvious the attraction ie she's not that good looking; she's not that nice, etc, then the deeper the love.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sadly it isnt LIKELY an EA, it IS an EA. One that he had the gall to shove into your face in your own home, of all damn things. I would be RAGING.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Ask him this - Perhaps you know a guy somewhere who can come over and stay for a while. Take him
Out alone on the town a few days. 

See how he feels about this. He may project information you can use. 

Or maybe even better just do it. Stay out waaaaay too late. Have Booz on your breath. Come home without wearing your bra...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Katiebird said:


> First, I need to correct something I said. I said that he invited her before he told me. In thinking about it, he did tell me, but I asked him why she could not stay at a hotel. He did not want to do that.
> 
> So, they spent two days, while I worked, going around the area and seeing all of the sights, eating out, shopping, etc. I went to dinner with them one night after I got off work. The last day, I suggested a local event that would have involved one of my children and one of his children and their families and he said it was probably going to be hot and boring, she said that did not sound interesting and so off they went on another sightseeing excursion and I went to the event with family. My thing was done in about two hours and then I came home. They were gone about six hours and had a late lunch in a nearby town. Did not bother to call to see if I could join them. Before she left my husband was encouraging her to come back to the area. During the whole time, she never asked about what I do, the volunteer work, our kids or grandkids. I bored her with a few pictures and all she said was "Hmmm." She never commented on our home.
> 
> ...


So sorry Katie but your H needs a 2x4 up the side of his head.
Is he retired? while you still work?

Stop doing anything for him, stop giving him money. Open up your own account, start to do things for yourself, and go out with friends, plan a holiday with a good friend, just inform him. Invite friends over for dinner and wine, just inform him. 

I think what he did was being passive aggressive to get a rise out of you or otherwise he just does not care about your feelings. It sounds like you are both co-existing in the house, how long has this been going on?
Do you still have sex?
Do you do anything together at all?
Do you still do MC, if not why not?

You may have to consider dumping him and moving on with your life if he is not willing to meet you half way, it sounds like he has a lot of resentment against you?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Katiebird said:


> As much as I hate to admit it. You are right. I either need to do something or suck it up and go on and quit complaining. I always manage to come away from these issues with him feeling like I am the bad guy, the unreasonable one, the crazy one and what he is suggesting is perfectly normal and reasonable.


You know that this is a form of abuse? Narcissists do this to their partners, make them think they are crazy and then they play the victim. Has the counselor mentioned he is a narcissist?


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