# Im done



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

So after 3-4 smooth months again sht has become messed up. We r planning a trip to wifes country so she can visit parents i had sugested them getting visas to visit here instaed as ther is only 2 people traveling vs 4 me, wife, 2 kids... She became a child and told her im not interested in Going to her mom! While i only suggested them coming here instead...
Her sister 19 years old is here for last year and our relationship has plummeted ... No wife and husband time, no immediate family time ... Her sisters always there! 

Tonight felt so excluded... Wife came home from a job made quick food and ate with sister... No one asked me if i wanted anything or wanted to join! Damn! If i cook theres always food for wife and for sister regardless if theyre home or not ... Theres always plently made... Not for me tho

I had exams the last few weeks and on several occasions came home late and nothing preped for me ... Not even a phone call letting me know theres food....

I have tried to make date nights, for family outting to share responsibilities, to give her some time off from being full time mom, and nothing...
I have tried to man up, to communicate and still nothing...
Iam starting to feel this wont change! Tonight i told her i feel our relationship has plummeted since her sister arrived... Glad i did she says she is happy her sister is here ... Not at all concerned about our marriage at all!!!

There is little reason for me to stay

The kids that is it!! Dont know what to do and with sister here i am unlikely to have wife and privacy and intimate times back like a year ago... And sending sister back will only cause resentment from wife or depression
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Since you're already feeling done, who cares if you send the sister back and cause resentment? You're already feeling done, so if you have any hope of saving your marriage...time to be radical. Get sister out of there.

You can't have a marriage where her extended family are constantly a part of the relationship.

She needs to understand that YOU are her family, along with the kids. Her mother, father, sister, brother...still family and important but never as important as you and your kids.

If she will not understand that, you have little recourse. You either accept this, put your foot down or leave.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's not concerned about the state of your marriage. Since it takes two, and she isn't cooperating, then I would say it's likely that you're done.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you're done and she does not care. How selfish to not include you in meals or to make enough for you. very nice that she is a stay at home mom. she's got the life. spends all day with the kids and the sister, and when you get home from work and school, you're treated like $hit. She's some princess. she has no respect nor regard for you. sad to say, unless she recognizes that there is a problem, or cares that there is a problem, or cares about you, it's time to get out. If you go to her country to visit, you will be spending a lot of hard earned $ to be treated badly. don't think for a minute that this will warm her heart or help your marriage. she's just resent you for something else. Tell her that if she wants to go so badly, let her get a job and earn the money for the trip. you don't have to work your @ss off to do something you don't want to do. Either you both need to be working towards fixing/saving the marriage, or you need to be hiring an attorney to get out of this. The status quo is unacceptable. Use this trip $ to start the ball rolling.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'd be done too. She's been manipulative, because your still there busting your a$$. That confirms it for her. She can have things her way and she doesn't give you any thing in return.

You've read all the books. You know a marriage isn't like that. 

You had been advised months ago that you needed to destabilize the relationship, to knock her hold of it free.

Now it is time to rock the ship and her world. 

Tell her that's it.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Keep in mind that when your partner isn't local to where you are, it's sometimes more about returning to your home area as opposed to the people. My wife is from another state and it's not about just missing family for her. She misses the area. The foods. All of it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Get the kids passports and put them in a safety deposit box that only you have access to.

Then tell her they are not going anywhere.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

ok so i did it...sent her an email (unfortunetly...i dont think a conversation would let me even convey these thoughts) and i'll see what happens..

my guess it will be her defending herself by saying im grumpy, hard to deal with etc... might be true as i dont have a wife i can spend time and talk with and feel excluded and unappreciated tho...

i told her i am not having this anymore...very directly saying that with her sister here simple things like a husband and wife conversation cannot take place and I compared our situation now to before where i used to come from work and we'd talk for atleast a couple hours! easily making the 15 hours a couple needs per week!!

so sad!

the meal issue was the straw that broke the camals back tho... during exams there were atleast 5 occasions over 2 weeks where i came home after 15-18 hours away from home and there was nothing made for me either because her and kids just ate cereal or not enough made... i hesitated saying anything because I am not a macho guy that expects dinner served and all that but i also feel that it is my school that is supporting ALL of us i.e. the sisters food, her free rent, my wife's ability not to have to work (although she can if she wants). So...come on right!!!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She is very used to you being a "Nice Guy" and giving in to keep the peace. She is going to give you every reason in the book that this is all you fault, until you fall. 

If you stick to it now, she will show you what she really values. The marriage or her power over you.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

thinking about it Anchor...if someone gives another everything would the other person (my spouse or any spouse of "Nice guys") want to cultivate that further...it just seems damn this person is sacrificing for me...It feels good to have it...maybe I should do something to continue...I mean her behaviour is self destructive. I mean i realize it has been going for a while now so I guess she is winning but really it cannot be like this forever...

just dont get it, the logic of it, and why someone would treat another that way...dont get it!


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

I dont feel id treat another like Ive been treated, it isnt in me!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You read Dr Glover's book. You know that's a "Nice Guy" trait. You think if you please someone that will get them to love you. You get disappointed, angry and resentful when they don't reciprocate that way. You conditioned her. After time she found that if she insisted on something you didn't want, you would continue to try to please her. This turns into disrespect for you and allows her to even further treat you badly, as you still try to further please her. 

It doesn't work that way.

BTW, This is NMMNG 101. Did you read that book?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

yes...i did...i get it and i dont get it at the same time...

i understand the concept but i feel that if the roles were reversed where she tried to please me, i would actually appreciate it, maybe not??? dont know!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's a flaw in you. If someone takes advantage of you, you shrug it off and get on with your life. To you it's not worth the conflict or drama. "Why can't we all just get along" or "It's okay, I love her anyway" 

The problem with that is people learn that they can get their own needs met at the expense of your's. You'll sacrifice yourself for their needs. When you finally get frustrated enough to say something, they don't believe you and think you've gone nuts. They didn't consciously come to feel their needs counted more than your's. You told them you wanted your needs to be second to theirs, by your actions. That's only human nature, Doc. 

It's time your needs come first. Then you reciprocate. There's nothing wrong with this. Your W is making sure her needs are taken care of. Don't be ashamed. Your needs should be filled too. Wouldn't that be nice for a change.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

ok got a response...

basically she said she is blessed to have her sister here, she has been a help, she is not alone, etc... and that I should be ok with sharing my house, attention and privacy etc.. with her after all the years my wife has been here with me away from her family...

me feeling excluded is on me as I should include myself, give everyone attention and be happy and etc...

i dont even know where to go with this!!! i can include myself but when i have no time to spend with wife how does that fill my needs (apparently those should be sacrificed for the next year for her sister...wow)

i deserve so much of a better response than this...there was absolutely no concern or caring in her response!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So respond back that you think you should do a trial separation for a while.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Okay Doc, 

All I can say is get the book out and read it again. 

This time do the exercises!!! 

Your "Nice Guy" procrastination is killing you and you family.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I recall your posts from before. You are absent *a lot *for medical school. It would bother me if my husband wanted my services (home cooked meal) but was never around to spend any time with me. Personally, I recall couple time was hard to come by in the days of very young children and the idea of a live in 18 year old babysitter has its appeal.  I suggested that your wife's sister babysit so you could get some couple time but apparently that has not happened...

Now, I suggest you stay here and use the 4 plane tickets to send all of them back to your home country including her sister who should remain there.

Maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

@Blonde: this year I have been away but more like a regular 9-5 job mostly, with mon and tues being more heavy like 9-9. the rest of the evenings home at 6 and sat and sun free...just like before. 

i do make an effort for time, we have had wednesdays as date nights where her sister sat for us and everything was great for 3-4 months... then things popped up again.

I definitly didnt go out of my way to please her and be nice in hopes she would respond, just did my stuff and focussed on time for us... went on a vegas trip just the 2 of us, exercise together, etc... still not 15 hours of undivided attn tho...

she says it is not the fault of her sister that this is happening, it is that she chooses to talk to sister and not me...nice


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> during exams there were atleast 5 occasions over 2 weeks where i came home after 15-18 hours away from home and there was nothing made for me either because her and kids just ate cereal or not enough made...


So on @ 9 occasions in 2 weeks when she and the children never saw your face, something was made for you?

I think your expectations and priorities could tolerate some adjustment. How far from campus do you live? Could you carve out a couple hours to come home and eat dinners with your family?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> i do make an effort for time, we have had wednesdays as date nights where her sister sat for us and everything was great for 3-4 months... then things popped up again.


Could it be a pattern?

When you have couple time, things are good.

But when you are gone 15-18 hours a day for exams the relationship suffers. I'm sure you are/were very stressed out and drained with so little sleep, exams, etc...

Do what worked and recover the momentum quickly after a tough season (like exams).


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Really...i mean they all eat so is it unreasonable to save some of whatever that is for me? knowing time is tight with exams and im eating starbucks sandwiches and pizza? really? 

by car campus is 15-20 minute drive...by bus and hour and 15 minute...

guess what ... i leave the car for wife to have as it is more important for her to have it to drive kids to school etc...

so in 2 weeks time was really tight for me and couldnt come home...and my wife did see me and we talked etc... i wasnt total ghost



Blonde said:


> So on @ 9 occasions in 2 weeks when she and the children never saw your face, something was made for you?
> 
> I think your expectations and priorities could tolerate some adjustment. How far from campus do you live? Could you carve out a couple hours to come home and eat dinners with your family?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

When were exams over? 

That's a LOT of stress for you, and a LOT of isolation for your wife (who turns to her sister when she's lonely)

I agree with those who said her sister needs to go home. 

And perhaps you should consider moving your family closer to campus (or getting a second car?) so you can grab more time with them between the heavy demands of med school? You're losing 2 1/2 hours a day on that commute!


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Blonde said:


> Could it be a pattern?
> 
> When you have couple time, things are good.
> 
> ...


good point! 

i am now waking up to the fact that really i cannot get the time nescessary (15 hours as recommneded) with my wife with sister there... just cannot

and now she will be here another year...sht!

and wife thinks sister there is not an issue at all - it is not that!

she says if it wasnt sister it would be someone else she'd be talking to, she tends to minimize progress or good things in our relationship and maximize the fights or whatever.... definitly doesnt remember that a year ago we were doing well...had healthy friends etc...


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Blonde said:


> When were exams over?
> 
> That's a LOT of stress for you, and a LOT of isolation for your wife (who turns to her sister when she's lonely)
> 
> ...


thanks blonde! you are right last year it was me who she told about her day...now it is sister and when I get home nothing left!!

a car is a great idea although I will spend most days next year at a different location only 30 mins away! looking forward to that.

about her sister...realistaically i dont see her leaving! it would kill my wife as she has missed her sister grow up for last 10 years, feels she has a friend etc... i would be a huge enemy for doing that especially as my wife doesnt feel it IS her sister's presence here that the trouble!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> Really...i mean they all eat so is it unreasonable to save some of whatever that is for me?


I think you may be taking too personally that there is not a home cooked meal left over for you on every single day you are absent. 

If my husband was going to be gone 18 hours (which leaves only 6 at home) I would assume he will be eating dinner out and falling into bed to grab some precious sleep as soon as he walks in the door.

If we have cereal (or boxed mac & cheese, or pancakes) for dinner I don't do it when I expect him home nor do I worry about saving leftovers since he doesn't like those things for dinner. (I don't eat cereal for dinner either but I'll scramble some eggs and the kids will have cereal with theirs).


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Blonde said:


> I think you may be taking too personally that there is not a home cooked meal left over for you on every single day you are absent.
> 
> If my husband was going to be gone 18 hours (which leaves only 6 at home) I would assume he will be eating dinner out and falling into bed to grab some precious sleep as soon as he walks in the door.
> 
> If we have cereal (or boxed mac & cheese, or pancakes) for dinner I don't do it when I expect him home nor do I worry about saving leftovers since he doesn't like those things for dinner. (I don't eat cereal for dinner either but I'll scramble some eggs and the kids will have cereal with theirs).


thats what i thought too which is why i didnt say anything ast the time...but after yesterday i felt it wasnt just that as you say...


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

maybe it is just as you say ... not taking it personal and just enjoy my family being more proactive now that things have settled down and make moments for us...

even as im writing this after reading all your responses with each and everyone suggesting sister goes home i feel stuck 

for instance sunday we went to a festival...sister was invited and for example...im wlking holding one childs hand and wife holding others' hand when mine slows down and wants to see something they keep walking and wife chatting with sister way up fronT... now if we were alone she'd turn around and wait then we would continue on our way...

i know! this sounds so minor right!! but it adds up and little bits of time where we could have been together are chipped away slowly slowly...


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> my wife doesnt feel it IS her sister's presence here that the trouble!


She may be right.

IIRC some time ago, another man was flirting with your wife on FB? You nipped that in the bud following the advice of TAM members.

She's lonely and isolated, far away from her family and culture... Her sister meets the need for companionship. 

If her sister goes, and you are gone 12 hour days 7 days a week, where will she turn to fill the long and lonely hours and meet the unmet needs?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Blonde said:


> She may be right.
> 
> IIRC some time ago, another man was flirting with your wife on FB? You nipped that in the bud following the advice of TAM members.
> 
> ...


thats what she said too! but i need advice on how to make it work with the little privacy we have to have time for eachother only ... couple time? on wednesdays we have been going out and sister sitting for us... and we do go out some saturdays on our own...but for me thats not enough and not what it used to be\

based on the replies here...it isnt enough nor should it be enough, i am not confrontational and i dont think thats the solution if anything getting rid of sister will cause her to be more distant...good forbid she started hanging with her toxic friends again...which is something i worked hard with her to encourage... and her sister here has helped!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

That's the ticket, Doc. You work too much. It makes you wife lonely. You need to do more for her when you get home. Yeah, make your own dinner. You should never expect your W or SIL to think of you after so many hours left at home alone.

It's not enough that you support her, the kids, her sister, go to Med school and work. Don't worry, just sprinkle some pixie dust and put rose petals under her feet. She'll just magically make more time for you and your needs. It's all that simple. 

Asking her for more us time, planing dates or vacations and expecting romance is just being selfish because you're expecting reciprocation. Just continue to understand her hardships and difficulties at home. Continue to trying to please her. Heck that's been working. Right?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> That's the ticket, Doc. You work too much. It makes you wife lonely. You need to do more for her when you get home. Yeah, make your own dinner. You should never expect your W or SIL to think of you after so many hours left at home alone.
> 
> It's not enough that you support her, the kids, her sister, go to Med school and work. Don't worry just sprinkle some pixie dust and put rose petals under her feet. She'll just magically make more time for you and your needs. It all that simple.
> 
> Asking her for more us time, planing dates or vacations expecting romance is just being selfish because your expecting reciprocation. Just continue to understand her hardships and difficulties at home. Continue to trying to please her. Heck that's been working. Right?


i almost thought you were being serious...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

No, no. I'm being facetious. LOL

What I really mean is that you are not responsible for your wife's happiness. That's her job.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Can you describe what you mean by "toxic friends"?

(I'm asking because of my history with an uber controlling husband who hates even Bible Study friends who encourage me to have a mind of my own. If it was his call, I should have no friends but him)

If it's toxic friends for partying and affairs, you are between a rock and a hard place. 

Rock: Keep the sister around to babysit your wife and keep her away from the skanky stuff

Doc

Hard Place: Send the sister away in an attempt to relieve the strain of her constant presence on your marriage and then she takes up with skanky friends again​


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I'm back to shipping her back to her own country with her sister (and the kids) for a long stretch and with an ultimatum in hand. 


Come back without your sister and zero tolerance policy regarding skanky friendships. 
Or don't come back.

You can't keep the kids when you are a med student. They'd be neglected children. So you have to send them away with her. Maybe once you are established as a Doc, you can get them back and/or get visitation?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Blonde said:


> I'm back to shipping her back to her own country with her sister (and the kids) for a long stretch and with an ultimatum in hand.
> 
> 
> Come back without your sister and zero tolerance policy regarding skanky friendships.
> ...


The skanky friends are out of the picture so that is handled i feel!

I couldnt send kids back for 2 reasons ... Safety were she is from ...its bad! And secondly although i am. Busy i am balanced and do raise my kids im not ready to lose them... Even if we were to separate kids would be here and i would share custody! 

Im just trying to figure out what to do to get more husband wife time with sister here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

So we r gonna have a talk to today about, sister, things arou d the house already, vacation... She knows my positikn on things and today will really make boundaries and assert my needs and contributikns etc... About vacation that we were gonna take so that she could meet her mom and dad (her city is way too dangerous to go tothere) and parents dont seem to want/be able to fill out visa paperwork to come visit us here. plus i had already agreed to going.. I am thinking that im gonna ask her to contribute half for the trip. She has a casual partimee job that i always tell her to keep the that money for herself in addition to her spending money from our budget provided by my med school funding...

I feel this will show me how much of a team we are do u guys feel this is a jerk move??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

You have been very busy with school and work and all that entails. She is happy to have time with someone who cares. When you say you want and need her, is that when YOU want or when BOTH of you want. If everything is on your terms, she feels LESS THAN--your job, your money, your power. With her sister there, she has support--help with kids, support and love. You still live your life,do you make time for her? Invite her or order or demand her when the time suits you?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

muttgirl said:


> You have been very busy with school and work and all that entails. She is happy to have time with someone who cares. When you say you want and need her, is that when YOU want or when BOTH of you want. If everything is on your terms, she feels LESS THAN--your job, your money, your power. With her sister there, she has support--help with kids, support and love. You still live your life,do you make time for her? Invite her or order or demand her when the time suits you?


Mmm i feel ur assuming that i dont... When comes to our relationship i make plans, dates and i listen to her when we conversate ... The problem is that we dont conversate anymore.... Her sister is here and we have 0 privacy i mean zero minutes in the last 2 weeks on our own... There kids here and sister and kids sleeping sister is sitting on step on couch in back seat walking beside her chatting it up! Her needs have conversatio, venting laughter have been taken over by her sister. And because im not around and now feeling resentful there is no chance i see of this changing. 

I realize people have needs i feel im attending to everyone's but mine! Wife needed family = sister here, devasted by working more than full time job = is now able to stay home and properly raise kids, wants to work = can do so and keep pocket money for herself, .... Come on! 

I.e "nice guy"....right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> So we r gonna have a talk to today about, sister, things arou d the house already, vacation... She knows my positikn on things and today *will really make boundaries and assert my needs and contributikns etc..*. About vacation that we were gonna take so that she could meet her mom and dad (her city is way too dangerous to go tothere) and parents dont seem to want/be able to fill out visa paperwork to come visit us here. plus i had already agreed to going.. I am thinking that im gonna ask her to contribute half for the trip. She has a casual partimee job that i always tell her to keep the that money for herself in addition to her spending money from our budget provided by my med school funding...
> 
> I feel this will show me how much of a team we are do u guys feel this is a jerk move??


How did that conversation go?

A "yours and mine" attitude about finances in marriage does not foster unity IMO.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Personally, when you say "assert my needs" I don't think you should be making such a deal about the dinners. To me, the expectation of dinner every single day of the 14 days you are gone 15-18 hours is YOUR unreasonableness, not your wife's. 

Boundaries are about what *YOU* will do. 

A boundary statement would be "When you don't fix me dinner, I feel ______ (neglected?, left out?). If you have not fixed me dinner, I will be buying dinner for myself".

Unless it's a dealbreaker for you, then the boundary statement would be "It's unacceptable to me to remain in a marriage with a wife who doesn't fix me dinner every single night even when I am gone for 18 hours. If this continues, I will leave the relationship"


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

She doesn't know how you feel. I don't see why you don't take up on her offer. Just go into conversation with them, even if you don't want to. If they feel uncomfortable, tough. Also, if there's no privacy, then just do it. Make out with your wife like no tomorrow. If her sister won't leave, then make her as uncomfortable as possible. It is your house, it is your rule. Your wife won't know, until you show her what it feels like to be you.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> I definitly didnt go out of my way to please her and be nice in hopes she would respond, just did my stuff and focussed on time for us... went on a vegas trip just the 2 of us, exercise together, etc... still not 15 hours of undivided attn tho...
> 
> she says it is not the fault of her sister that this is happening, it is that she chooses to talk to sister and not me...nice


I'm curious, is it really the time, the conversation, the undivided attention, emotional intimacy, a leftover dinner in the fridge that you miss? Or are you feeling sexually deprived?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Blonde said:


> How did that conversation go?
> 
> A "yours and mine" attitude about finances in marriage does not foster unity IMO.


Didnt happen... Kids slept late and everyone was tired so tonite...
Yours and mine attitude? Not sure where thats coming from? It is more like what is mine is ours ... Im simply talking with you guys saying that my contributions which are xyz are not valued ... Dinner was an example... I certainly dont demand anything given kids are alot of work... BUT regarding the dinners during that specific time, it makes sence to me that if someone is working 18 hiurs a day t hrough a tough stretch you would support them. InsteAd of making food for 4 make it for 5 .... If i do grab that pizza on way home like u suggested earlier i will have a nutritious lunch next day ... I mean i wasnt asking her to cook just for me specially simply make more. Or save some! 

About vacation what u think of me suggesting she help with the bill like i mentioned above
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Aslo about boundaries i meant that i will make sure that things i need such as private time, H and W time are issues that we deal with and swept under the rug like theyre not a big deal...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Sexual frustrTion well yes... This has been a long stretch! Since vegas ... And i dont see that turning around anytime soon as we arent even talking i mean we have co versations on the level of 2 people at a grocery store....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> BUT regarding the dinners during that specific time, it makes sence to me that if someone is working 18 hiurs a day t hrough a tough stretch *you would support them*. InsteAd of making food for 4 make it for 5 .... If i do grab that pizza on way home like u suggested earlier i will have a nutritious lunch next day ... I mean i wasnt asking her to cook just for me specially simply make more. Or save some!


So, you feel unsupported by her not leaving you some leftovers that you can take with you the next day for lunch?

Why not share that with her and suggest that when she cooks, she make plenty so there's leftovers? To you, leftovers in the fridge when you are working 18 hour days makes you feel supported.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"I had exams the last few weeks and on several occasions came home late and nothing preped for me ... Not even a phone call letting me know theres food..."

Really? You had to make your own food? Oh the horror!

"i deserve so much of a better response than this...there was absolutely no concern or caring in her response! "

To an email? Ever think of actually talking to her? Your marriage is on the rocks and you send her an email?

==== ...those things aside though...

I totally agree - you, and she specifically needs to reconginze you are the family now - AND the priority. Not her sister. That just needs to stop.

_*Its not about having to choose one or the other*_, not exactly. But unfortunately now that it is AT that point - she needs to demonstrate the boundaries both to her family and to you to show it. It should never have gotten to this point - but it does happen unfortunately and now that it is too late - she needs to do this.

Something similar happened to me very early after were married where my brother and my wife had a big fight. It was a big deal. (Think drink in face, yelling...) Next time my brother (whom I love like life itself) came over I told him that if he couldnt treat my wife with respect he couldnt even come in the house - it was NOT easy.

BUT here is the thing - it didnt turn out to be a big deal. Everyone shrugged it off and made up and 25 years later we are all the same good friends. I believe my wife has not forgotten what happened there and when push came to shove - that 'we' as a couple were the priority - even if it meant telling my brother to get lost because of a argument. The root of it was really - my brother going through a divorce and and it was just a bad time.

My worry here is that your wife doesnt seem to see this and the result is that you are feeling like you are in competition with your wifes family - that is a big problem. You need to find a way to articulate it to her directly, face to face, without mincing words - but also make her understand that this is not about absolute choices but rather about having your wife position herself properly next to you and then you can both feel better about welcoming the sister next time.

Ugh! She should make the gesture of getting rid of sis to reset everyones understanding of what your marriage actually means to her. It may cause hurt feelings - but if done properly - you do NOT need to be the 'bad' guy here that 'is trying to drive a wedge between' your wife and her family. Its not about that, not at all.

Sorry. Rambling...Im afraid i didnt articulate my point very well.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> Sexual frustrTion well yes... This has been a long stretch! Since vegas ...


When you complain about not having leftovers in the fridge 5 of 14 days, as a wife, that would make me feel that you are setting a ridiculous bar for me and will never be satisfied and it makes me feel unappreciated for all the things I do, the stresses in my life, and the 9 of 14 days you did have leftovers. 

Instead "asserting your rights" to have leftovers in the fridge and creating stress and tension over that, why not tell your wife you missed her so much during the 14 days and you long to re-connect? And then do it- emotionally first with undivided attention, and then physically.

Undivided attention means NO sister AND NO kids. Sister babysits while you and wife go to the park or whatever.

If you are going to keep the sister with you another year, how about finding better housing where you and wife can have privacy? That is a boundary. "I can't live like this anymore so I am going to change our accommodations so your sister has her own living area and we have some privacy". She could rent a room nearby or you can get someplace with a master bedroom for you and wife.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> About vacation what u think of me suggesting she help with the bill like i mentioned above
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you have to do the vacation? Did you already spend money on it? I think the money might be better spent getting more spacious accommodations. You and wife need privacy.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

You did thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> . About vacation that we were gonna take so that she could meet her mom and dad (her city is way too dangerous to go tothere) and parents dont seem to want/be able to fill out visa paperwork to come visit us here. plus i had already agreed to going..


^^ "Nice Guy" in a negative sense.

I think its OK to change your mind about going. 

Her parents should be able to figure out how to fill out their own paperwork and get over here if they want to see their daughters and grandchildren. And you need the money for better accommodations so you and the wife have some privacy since your lovely inlaws  have parked the sister with you.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Vacation is pretty much a must - she hasnt seen parents in 3 yrs.... They r getting old 

Sister has own living area but shes not tied their and joins us all timei w


I will talk with her and be sure this is primary issue and need addressed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Yea should b that way but its not! Thats why im gonna propose she contribute from her earnings over the course of the year
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Primary issue - Privacy, Couple Time

Hosting sister out of the goodness of my heart BUT we need more privacy and couple time or our marriage is at risk!

Now- sister's presence interfering with couple time =negative

Your wife should talk to her sister- sister assists with children and household and respects need for couple time and privacy--> more couple time =positive


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Had the talk this morning...
Nothing positive... She says she needs me to be happy, positive, energetc!

I get it! I get that i am feeling and likely acting miserable! I cannot help it right now when i see no bright future! 

She says it is not her sister's presence it is her... If she wanted to spend time with me she would... Inam finding it hard to be happy positve and energetic while at the same i dont see a prospect of a date, privacy, sex... 

Im supposed to snap out of this rut im in and that in her mind will get things moving....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Next time you are all sitting around in the living room after the kids have gone to bed and you have the urge, just pipe in to their conversation. "You know what W, I am kind of horny and need some lovin'. Since you guys do everything together these days why don't we all have a go". 

But maybe that's just my passive aggressive tendencies talking.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> That's the ticket, Doc. You work too much. It makes you wife lonely. You need to do more for her when you get home. Yeah, make your own dinner. You should never expect your W or SIL to think of you after so many hours left at home alone.
> 
> It's not enough that you support her, the kids, her sister, go to Med school and work. Don't worry, just sprinkle some pixie dust and put rose petals under her feet. She'll just magically make more time for you and your needs. It's all that simple.


I actually think this is a very important conversation to have. You have some real long days ahead, including residency which can be quite lone if you specialize. This is a long road for both of you.

I suspect that she very much likes the idea of being married to a doctor. But that does not come without a sacrifice. So you two need a very serious discussion about what your joint plan is going forward. Is she really on board with this, or does she want the glory of being a doctor's wife (and all that comes with it) only after you deal with all of the tough stuff. 

Because what I am seeing is that she loves all that you give her, but does want there to be any trade offs for it. 

You two need to be on the same page on this.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Im having so many issues right now and none of which she even can sit and discuss.
Talking is dwelling on the negative and she doesnt like that...
If i snap outta my negativity ie stop dwelling on wanting privacy coiple time and be happy positive etc... She says shell have a reason to wanna be together... Totally on me.
The roles around house is a very important convo and she admitted that she is having a hard time being just a stay at home mom... Dont know what to say... Thats what she wanted as she was depressed before about not being there for the kids ... And just after that being upset about having to care for other peoples kids to make money for our family... Now she doesn have to, can focus on kids, still upset.... She started little business to keep mind busy, business is slow not taking off, so she wants to stop to have more time for her self... I cannot keep up with all this...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She keeps telling you she is fine the way things are. You can't change her. Tell her things need to change or you are done. And mean it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> The roles around house is a very important convo and she admitted that she is having a hard time being just a stay at home mom... Dont know what to say... Thats what she wanted as she was depressed before about not being there for the kids ... And just after that being upset about having to care for other peoples kids to make money for our family... Now she doesn have to, can focus on kids, still upset.... She started little business to keep mind busy, business is slow not taking off, so she wants to stop to have more time for her self... I cannot keep up with all this...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this is very likely the real issue and this part is on her. She was not happy working, but now is unhappy staying at home. You need to be clear that while you will support her in her choices, she needs to be in charge of her own happiness.

Again, have the conversation where everything is on the table. What does she want, what can she live with, what is she willing to live with out, what does she see for her, you , your marriage and your family moving forward. The work on a plan. It does not need to be unalterable, but you need to be clear that she needs to be part of working together, not sitting back and taking pot shots because she is not "happy".


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks!!! The problem is she despises sitting down and discussing these sorts of things ... She feels just being happy and positive is it! Infact this mornings conversation went nowhere because she insisted that i stead have talking about privacy and couple time, i be happy come home talk with everyone AND THEN she might see me happier amd wanna be with me ... Basically my issues regarding peivacy etc... Are jsut that ... My issues!

This whole laying sh!t out on table has thus far not worked well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Now i received text at work asking if i can help proof read a document for her that she needs to send to her boss...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> Now i received text at work asking if i can help proof read a document for her that she needs to send to her boss...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask why? I have to say that she only seems interested in you when you can give her something, but not interested when you express your needs. If she won't discuss something that is important to you, then why are you expected to assist in things that she thinks are important? I would be very tempted to ask her that very question?


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> Thanks!!! The problem is she despises sitting down and discussing these sorts of things ... She feels just being happy and positive is it! Infact this mornings conversation went nowhere because she insisted that i stead have talking about privacy and couple time, i be happy come home talk with everyone AND THEN she might see me happier amd wanna be with me ... Basically my issues regarding peivacy etc... Are jsut that ... My issues!
> 
> *This whole laying sh!t out on table has thus far not worked well*_Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are on to something. 
Try something different. She is viewing you as whining about needing her so much. Yes, I know you have feelings and your needs aren't being met. From my experience, she knows. Talking about it more won't do anything but make her continue to see you as whining. I've been there, and I know how I looked to my wife. I know you want to have your feelings validated, but this isn't the way to get what you want. I mean she actually spelled it out for you.
Moping around won't cause her to feel sorry for you and make her run to you. She needs to see a strong, secure man. So you need to fake it til you make it. Don't talk about the problems. Come in and be upbeat and cheery, even if everything in you wants to curl up and cry or you are so exhausted you could pass out. If she's awake when you get home, say hi and be cheerful. Tell a joke. Include her sister. Don't let the negative side come out. Try this for a while. She will test you to see if this is long lasting or not. Stick to your guns. If she mistreats you, tell her you aren't ok with that and be stern and sincere. If she ignores you, don't chase her. Have fun doing your thing with the kids or with friends.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thx for suggestion ... I will try it sounds balanced as she doesn want whiming does nt wanna talk ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mark72 said:


> I think you are on to something.
> Try something different. She is viewing you as whining about needing her so much. Yes, I know you have feelings and your needs aren't being met. From my experience, she knows. Talking about it more won't do anything but make her continue to see you as whining. I've been there, and I know how I looked to my wife. I know you want to have your feelings validated, but this isn't the way to get what you want. I mean she actually spelled it out for you.
> Moping around won't cause her to feel sorry for you and make her run to you. She needs to see a strong, secure man. So you need to fake it til you make it. Don't talk about the problems. Come in and be upbeat and cheery, even if everything in you wants to curl up and cry or you are so exhausted you could pass out. If she's awake when you get home, say hi and be cheerful. Tell a joke. Include her sister. Don't let the negative side come out. Try this for a while. She will test you to see if this is long lasting or not. Stick to your guns. If she mistreats you, tell her you aren't ok with that and be stern and sincere. If she ignores you, don't chase her. Have fun doing your thing with the kids or with friends.


If you are going to go this route (and I don't think it is a bad choice), do some things to force her to chose you. For example, since the sister is there, invite your wife to go to do something and leave your kids with the sister. If your wife refuses, shrug your shoulders, say too bad, and then go out and have fun. Make it clear that you are a fun person and that it is her loss if she does not want any part of it.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> If you are going to go this route (and I don't think it is a bad choice), do some things to force her to chose you. For example, since the sister is there, invite your wife to go to do something and leave your kids with the sister. If your wife refuses, shrug your shoulders, say too bad, and then go out and have fun. Make it clear that you are a fun person and that it is her loss if she does not want any part of it.


Very true - You are going to be having fun with or without her.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

So Ive tried the positive approach over last week and this weekend... and you know it WAS good. 

Wednesday good, Thursday chatted, Friday her and I and kids went to mall...it was SOOOO nice to be just with her (+kids) without sister.

Saturday she had an event and we all got up early to get her there and set up... it was a community festival with rides etc... Kids and I decided to stay and enjoyed day. At 4 I helped wife pack up and we (incl sister in law) started to drive home...

Wife told me that THEY wanted to go movie (quickly did math and um nope!) and simple told her it was too much ... of course I will end up paying for sister too. Now I have another issue to discuss...ie. paying for her sister (As not only is she around, when she is, I have been paying for meals. When we are out and about and we get hungry we buy food so it is only polite of me to buy her something as she barely has a job and is 19....

Now as I am beginning to go down hill in my mood, she let me know that in 2 weeks her friend is celebrating her birthday, just girls (30 of em) on a salsa cruise...

Of course we have been there and done that... she no longer goes to clubs etc or hangs out with toxic friends but I ask her why her friends do that i.e. only girls parties (excluding spouses) and at venues like clubs etc... a salsa boat cruise is same idea. She just says its normal, mind you she had 2 parties this weekend just girls and clubs...but she didnt go which was great!

In the end I dont like it but she really never does those gnos at bars or clubs any longer BUT pursuing this convo she gets fed up and says:
"this is why we cannot talk, because there is never anything positive to talk about, there are always issues, problems etc..." 

she goes on to say that this is why we dont have groups of friends...

this just upsets me further because it is simply untrue... we had couples as friends but stopped hanging out because one moved away and other...i dont know. I always get along with everyone, feel I am welcoming, always, first to get food going and beer flowing, I am always interested in going out to bars and clubs with wife ... even if tired, even if work/school night...as I dont wanna be one of those husbands that is not interested in wife's interest... Since sister arrived, I am completely no good for house hold chores, socializing, I'm negative, no good FOR ANYTHING... Fvck these all or none statements of hers are killing me!

So here i am, trying to express something, which she doesnt feel is issue and again blows up and walks away... so our lovely sunset dinner at parks turns shtty! Sunday lukewarm... we go on bike ride just immediate family, but no nothing between wife and I....

trying to do the 180 list of behaviours but inside im tormented by how it has been


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