# Wondering if there are any postive outcomes or is Divorce the only answer?



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Just wondering, Bc I have not decided if I want a divorce or not there has been some helpful post on here but most feedback I have recieved is to divorce. I understand that I helped him to continue the affair with my setting no boudries that I backed up. I have admited that and excepted that. Now it seems that most have encourged divorce, what if someone has decided on divorce just yet. And please dont bash me for wanting to give it a chance but some how setting up real boundries that I can backup.. And maybe his admit denial is coming to light with his BPD, this will need to be researched and addressed with thearpist. But I am asking for information and I really would like to hear if there are any success stories. Anyone made it threw it and are working on there marriage.... Again I do not want to be bashed because I really am undecided, I have been at this for days trying to come up with information, advice, direction and understanding. But seems some only goes straight for dicorce. I realize my mistakes, but really is divorce the only sulution to it all?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My SO and I are still together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

The roller coaster on my part has been about 18 months now,,,, just recently his been taking my lashing out at him.. I dont want to but i have not been able to control it. And the open marriage is off the table.. I will not consider that... So its basicly back to my undecided... The next step which he suggested is mc.... Still what good is that if he denies his affair,,,,, just freinds which now he says was wrong but thats all he admits...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> my so and i are still together.
> _posted via mobile device_


is there anywere i can read your story...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> is there anywere i can read your story...


Just click on my name and then view statistics. Click on all threads started by and you will find my story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It takes two who are fully committed. One person alone can't make a marriage. This guy doesn't even respect u enough to tell u the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Jellybean i appreciate you honesty, and you have comminted to that fact many times. But you telling me over and over and insisting that i am in denial is just not an accurate. I am trying to find out other outcomes, how others coped, and now the whole bpd, is another issues to be addressed, i am undecided what to do.. But there is so many, just like every other person who has been through this, things to be addressed before i just walk away of so many years of marriage,, all but 18 months of them was happy....... I agree he needs to tell me the truth, but can he? To many questions, to many... Alot to be addressed..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Reread my post above. Nowhere there does it say you're in denial. I did say so in ur other threads and I believe that to be true. It seems u believe u can do something to make him admit the affair or get help when it doesn't work that way. He has to want those things on his own. Nothing u say is going to get him to admit he's having an affair which is one of ur primary concerns...the thing that is frustrating u. U are now saying his BPD could be causing him to deny an affair which simply isn't true. He is intentionally denying having an affair. Its very calculated on his part. So u caan continue to wait for him to admit it just know he won't until he chooses to of his own volition. If u keep doing and expecting the same thing...u can expect the same results.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and he can absolutely tell u the truth. He just chooses not to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

And that is exactly why i have came here and post.. Looking for opnions. Advice.. And yours is being taken into concideration as well... You may be right.. Others may be right.. I just dont know right now...... I know i am not denying his affair.. But i am at a loss on what or how to handle all this.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know that it sucks that he won't admit it. I would be super frustrated as well. Its good that he wants to get treatment. If I were u though...I would not go to marriage counselling with him until he owns the affair. I would not make reconciliation so easy for him. You found him in bed with another woman. That is major. And now he's gaslighting you. You deserve the basic human decency of being told the truth.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

well he know I go to counciling.. and I told him what my therpist said about his denial.. which was somthing along the line of he denies it because he doesnt want to feel the conciquences from it, he doesnt want to be knocked down from the horse he is on, if he admits he screwed over me, than he isnt that great husband that he is preceived to be, or how he feels I preceived him to be. He actually has to feel that he isnt the greatest man that walked into my life, he would feel like a failure to himself and to me. He doesnt want to feel like that, he doesnt want me to know the truth because he is afraid that I will not think or feel the same about him, then how could he feel like his the best hubby in the world when he hurt his wife so badly... Load of crap... yep probley.. but I am getting so many probley so"s that it gets confusing... His reply was,, I didnt cheat, I didnt have an affair, I have never during our entire marriage ever have sex or kiss any other women, the therpist is only hearing your side of the story... I said.. she is hearing what I have seen with my own eyes.. What are you saying now the therpist is wrong too.. he says NO... I not saying she is wrong.. Im saying she is only hearing on side to the story she isnt hearing what I have to say, what I did, or said.. I said what are my own eyes lying to me too now.. he says.. no.. but what you seen is not how you are taking it.. I never had sex or kissed her ever... and it just the same thing.... No matter how I approch this he denies anything beyond there so called freindship.. even when I would not have a dang thing to do with him telling him I will not until he tells me the truth.. he wouldnt crack... he kept saying I am telling the truth... I am not going to make up a lie or a story just so you will believe me and we can get past this and work on our marriage.. I want my family back I want my life back but you wont beleive me. what am I supposed to do.. I said tell me the truth.. he says I am and I am still loosing you... it is frustrating.. so yes I am at a loss i dont know what to do... or how to handel this.. Jellybean as I told you I appreciate your advice.. I dont know what to do, I am really taking everything good or bad in that everyone offers.. Thank you.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

to everyone who has posted thank you all..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you posted that you filed for divorce and hubby came clean and was willing to work on the marriage, admit the affair, establish NC, be transparent, get IC and MC, and showed true remorse then I would say good luck and offer more advice on making it work.


But you don't have an ounce of that, not a drop of remorse, not a teaspoon of the truth from him, not a inkling of him willing to work on his problem , the marriage, ending the affair or doing any heavy lifting whatsoever.


You can't get blood from a stone, squeeze it all you'd like and all you'll end up with is your own blood coming from your hand


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Is there steps to all this, or do you just jump in with both feet? Do they build themselfs up to tell the story or do they jump in with both feet? Is it just one way, clean cut straight to dc or has anyone been thru the drawn out heck like mine and then they do an about face as it lead up to dc?


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

My husband and I are in reconciliation. It is difficult but it is working. we are both committed to it, and he has owned his **** basically. Some days I feel like he is not giving me the reassurances that I need, but all in all, he is trying really hard. He has NC (if that broke that it was over) We are in MC and that is very hard for him, but he does it because he knows it will help. It is very hard as the BS to not always be second guessing, but I have realized that to make this work, I have to somehow move past the affair, and let him show me that he does want this. I wish you good luck


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

JT, you two can do if you really want it.
My story below...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Just to add another to the chorus my wife and I are reconciling and actually doing better than we ever have!! It's tough but it can be done if both parties are truly committed to it.

Having said that I must say that everything Almostrecovered said - quoted below - is absolutely 100% true. There is no such thing as reconciliation until he is truly remorseful. The dilemma you face, the one faced by the betrayed spouse when the wayward won't snap out of it, is that you have to get fed up enough to truly be able to leave him if he doesn't quit. Since you love him, by the time you get that fed up it can be hard to turn that train around and chose to reconcile. Regardless it will not end until you are committed to yourself that it must change - even if that means leaving him. 



Almostrecovered said:


> if you posted that you filed for divorce and hubby came clean and was willing to work on the marriage, admit the affair, establish NC, be transparent, get IC and MC, and showed true remorse then I would say good luck and offer more advice on making it work.
> 
> 
> But you don't have an ounce of that, not a drop of remorse, not a teaspoon of the truth from him, not a inkling of him willing to work on his problem , the marriage, ending the affair or doing any heavy lifting whatsoever.
> ...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Thanks for the you all sharing your af situation, it seems that almost all have the same base... outcomes are diffrent but it seems that most cheaters all go by some sort of secret handbook that we faithful partners doesnt know even exsits..my H is home trying or so it seems he is.. But I am having some major issues with this, first he wont "cop" to anything beyond his freinship and the situation I caught him in to be wrong, he want the MC.. but then again some of you have told me not to do this until he "cops" up.... but what if he "cops" up during MC? What if I refuse to go, and then how would I know it just so many what if's that run through my head it antagonizing...:scratchhead: but he lets me see his cell phone now, no matter if it rings or text he has no care whats so ever if I pick it up, he brought all his stuff home to today, which I wasnt expecting bc I wasnt even sure if this was going to be a permanet thing.. Also he says go thru my car if you want, go look at whatever you want there nothing there, he even said you can go look at the place I was staying if you want there nothing I am hiding,,, But in all reality I dont beleive him, I am always wondering what his hiding and WHERE? I can't let this go, no matter how hard I try I am still hung up on it... I look at him and think wonder how your getting around this, this time? And it all comes back to the denial part for me...... So, guess this is day one that his back permanetly... Now where do I go from here?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Where do u want to go from here and what will it take to get you there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I really dont know what i want.. I dont trust him.. I dont beleive anything... When i came home and seen his stuff, i just simply said what are you doing? He said i am coming home to stay, we will make this work? We? I didnt do it! If he really wants our marriage, then ok, prove it.. Prove it to me.... As i told him his words are worthless to me now. They mean nothing... He asked how am i supposed to prove it? Without words how am i supposed to prove it? And there i sit, just looking at him.. Finally i said you figure it out because i dont want to hear the same thing i did 100 x b4.... Really i didnt know what to say? But i didnt want to sit there without anything to back me up either!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Where was he staying at? First u need to figure out what u want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> He asked how am i supposed to prove it? Without words how am i supposed to prove it?


Actions, not words....


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I wonder if you are frustrated most because your own feelings are uncertain. It's that way for me. If my WH would just admit to his behavior and agree to change, I'd go to MC and work it out with him -- despite his many infidelities in our one year of marriage, despite his emotional abuse of me, and despite his multiple violations of my family's trust. I love him, so I'd give him a second chance. However, I know I run the risk of being manipulated by his cake-eating, gaslighting, and blame-shifting. We have inadvertently ended up in a separation and I've decided not to talk to him until he shows remorse. Even in his absence, I am astonished at how conflicted and confused and frustrated I feel. I can only imagine that your feelings of conflict are stronger on all sides.

In order to save the marriage and your belief in what it was to you, you have to see him as redeemable, I imagine. It seems to me like you want to believe that he's a good guy capable of change, but that he isn't really demonstrating that he is -- and so you're feeling conflicted. You're accepting what he's giving in the hopes that he will change, even as your logic tells you that you should not trust him because of past behavior and insufficient demonstration of commitment to change -- so there's more uncertainty. In the tension and the conflict is some sign of what you need to hear.

You should listen to that voice in you that says that he isn't doing enough of the heavy lifting. As hard as it is to believe, if you let him off the hook too easily, he will NOT reform his behavior and he will give in to the temptation to just hide it instead of changing. It's easier to hide the bad stuff than own up to it. He'll only change if he wants to and he's got to see that he might lose you if he doesn't and therefore make that choice. You have to help him see that you are a valuable person who deserves to be treated with respect. If you let him off the hook too easily, you are giving him the message that even if he treats you badly and lies to you, you'll accept him. Eventually, his respect for you will diminish even more. So, even if you are conflicted, try and be strong and firm and resolute in your demands that he come clean. 

Maybe try out MC and see if the truth comes out there -- but maybe let him know that if you think he's being dishonest, you're going to cut him off; of course, you must follow through here. You're not giving up on him, just being firm and using tough love; treat him like an addict and don't enable the bad behavior. Please do consider thinking about what you want deep down inside, what you won't put up with, where you ultimately draw the line. You're feelings of tension are telling you something. Try to hear them through this and tune out what he wants you to believe. If he is still not owning up to his actions, then he is trying to manipulate you into believing it wasn't so bad and that enables him to keep doing it; by refusing to acknowledge his delusion, you force him to accept that he acted badly and that he has to fix it.

I'm sorry you're having to go through such a tough time. I know what it's like. My WH is blame-shifting, gaslighting, stonewalling, and now...trying to sweep it under the rug like it never even happened. I'm not going to continue this cycle, though. I will remain absent from him until he demonstrates remorse. This hurts like hell. But...I think it's the only way to get him to snap out of it...

Hope my POV helps you. I sympathize. Your story resonates with me.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Where was he staying at? First u need to figure out what u want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 PARENTS HOME.... AND I DO NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT:scratchhead:


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Desertrose,,, you are making since... But his already home now i got to figure out what the best move on my part will be.. His got the mc on the table so... First how to approach this the right way


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him you want total transparency and honesty
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Jellybean i have made that clear.. His allowing me to have open access now to his cell, car... Papers.. Anything.. But really that doesnt mean anything.. I told him if she contacts him he is to tell me,, or if he contacts her he has to tell, but i asked him to tell me if he was going to contact her, he looked at me and said no, i dont want her at all... Then i said if you have anything to do with her i will go directly and file for a divorce.. I want her out of my life and if that means getting you out of my life then thats what i have to do.....idk what will come of it..

I just want some hard guidlines to go by, it seems that i have to take his word about no contact and that isnt somthing i want to do.. His words mean nothing...


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