# dont want divorce



## pete57 (Apr 3, 2018)

6 years married, two kids 5y and 9m. 
I see my marriage breaking apart and I dont want that.
Long story short, it all started the night of our wedding where her mom told her that she should call off the wedding because her mom thinks my parents are disrespectful to her and she shouldnt expect anything different from me!!

I talked her out of this saying that my folks and yours doesnt have anything to do with our life. I kept mine distant and barely talking to them since - did my part... but she didnt.
She is too influenced by her mother and I turned out to be the reason for all the problems in the world! "Irresponsible... Immature... Couldnt be counted on" are the main lines that I hear every time we talk now.
Except for the last year when she got pregnant, the situation was controllable, somehow, we used to find the way back to sanity.
Following the birth of our son, her mom strikes again. The tension is unbearable and this is where I broke down under the pressure and I started going in all directions, things that I have said knowing that I will regret!
I have asked her to keep her mom out of our life, give it a try to see if things will improve between the two of us... she is not accepting.

My problem is that I still love her and want to be with her, I love my kids as much and I dont want to see my family falling apart.
In my mind, it is her mom out of our life or I cant move on. It is psychological, emotional, but it is all I think about now and I really cannot move on in my mind. Divorce is not an option, I really dont want to reach this dead end and I am not willing to make any more compromises.

Any word of advice would be really appreciated.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

She got pregnant LAST YEAR. You really want to consign your life to this misery? You only get one life. I am not saying get divorced. But don't door mat this and pretend things are going to get better if you just push through. They won't. By taking divorce forever and immutably off the table, she has no reason to even THINK of dealing with it. I am not even saying threaten divorce. Just get your mind in a place where the notion that it is not an option does not control your actions.

Drag her into marriage counseling. And I mean get it done if you have to take her kicking and screaming. While there do not just expect the therapist to tell her to remove her mother. It won't happen, and it won't work. SHE is listening to her mother. DO be open minded to those things your wife might be telling you with and through the therapist about these things like irresponsibility or whatever that means to her. Ask for ACTIONABLE things that you can work on. But also bring to the front that a perpetual attitude of you being just an all around bad dude is not going to work.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs her mother out of her life.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree with NobodySpecial's suggestion of counseling. Make sure that she knows how serious this issue is. Be patient and be someone that she can trust and count on so that she doesn't feel she needs the protection and approval of mommy. When you start "going in all directions", you are just playing into her mother's controlling hands.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Agreeing tacitly with my fellow marriage counseling proponents, except just let her spill her guts to the MC, then let the counselor "be" the "man in the black hat" to her ~ not you!

She definitely needs to be dissuaded and weaned from Mom, but a counselors thoughtful listening, judgment, and criticism will work out so much better than the two of you ganging up on her in session!

Best of luck to you both!*


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Your wife has to put your marital relationship above ALL other relationships. The relationship with her parents and even the relationship with your children. If your wife doesn't put your relationship with her at the top of the list, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, then it's doomed. Right now she's obviously prioritizing the relationship she has with her mother over your marriage. If she wasn't she would have told her mother to STFU by now. My own mother did not like my wife and one day said one thing too much. I told her if you ever disrespect my wife again you are cut off out of our lives. You won't see me or these grandchildren again until your funeral. That literally instantly fixed that problem and we all had a much better relationship after that. Your wife needs to let her mother know to stay the hell out of her marriage and do it very firmly.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

pete57 said:


> 6 years married, two kids 5y and 9m.
> I see my marriage breaking apart and I dont want that.
> Long story short, it all started the night of our wedding where her mom told her that she should call off the wedding because her mom thinks my parents are disrespectful to her and she shouldnt expect anything different from me!!
> 
> ...


Maybe try and ask her Mom for your balls back.... I'm sure if you ask nice, she might comply.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you are unwilling to put divorce out on the table, then you pretty much have no chance of anything changing. Why should it, if you aren't going anywhere? 

Even if you did make it know you may leave, your chances that she will respect your feelings and make any changes are pretty much nil. The fact that she never has taken up for you with her mother speaks volumes about her level of love and respect for you. (which is NONE, evidently...)

So WHY is it that mom has such an issue with you anyway? Did you do something in the past that gives her good reasons for this? That would make a big difference here... in other words, did you earn this treatment? Or is mom just horrible and controlling?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Find a job far far away and convince her to move.

Tell her its an adventure. That it will be fun starting over in a new place with new experiences.


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## Get Real (Feb 21, 2018)

Mother-daughter relationships are very strong. Many marriages have been lost to this. I have also heard of fathers who get all over the relationship and damage it. The worse part is that your mother in law still has such an impact on your wife. Your wife can change this but the mother in law would have to leave kicking and screaming. Those type women will never change and letting go is not an option. The mother in law will do everything in her power to get you both separated. From the wedding day she knew you were not what she wanted for her daughter. 

The good news is that your wife did not follow her advice then so there is hope. I agree that you do not want this to be your request but that of a trained professional but it needs to cut that umbilical cord and it will be painful. You just do not want your wife to think you ruined their relationship. Finding a job far far away seems like the easiest way to get some much needed space.

And please do not fuel your mother in laws fire by not acting properly. On the other hand, be the man she needs right now. And the man you should always be no exceptions.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Agree with MC for you and your wife.

Personally I would also meet and have a coffee with your mother in law. One on one, in public. She wants her daughter to be safe, secure and happy, which you clearly do too. She clearly thinks you cant deliver what she needs. I think all you need to do is spell it out for her. She is your wife, you care for her and your kids and you wont allow it to be f*cked up by anybody. Tell her that if she cares at all for her daughter and her grand kids, she will support you and work with you. ITell her that if she doesn't stop being so selfish and start behaving like an adult, you will be having another talk very shortly. You wont get respect from this woman without her seeing you fight for your family. Sometimes the best way to get respect is not to passively earn it but to fight for it.

I suspect she is insecure and relies heavily on the emotional back patting from her daughter. Perhaps the key is to assure her you have no plans to ever take that away from her. 

Is the mother in law divorced or in an unhappy marriage? If so, you should push her on that and make sure she deals with her own problems and not unfairly pushes them onto her daughter. She needs to grow up.

Good luck.


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