# Frequency/Quality Discussion



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What sounds more appealing, having sex 1 to 2 times per week with a high probability that every encounter will be at a minimum phenomenal to mind blowing, or 3 to 4 times per week where there is a high probability that the quality would be more of a mixed bag where the sex would range from good to mind blowing, but more likely just good vs great or mind blowing?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How about every day where it's great to mind-blowing?

Quantity/Frequency does not preclude Quality. You really can have both. I'd trade a little of the extraordinary for frequency, but I don't have to. Both are possible, and for us, that's the reality.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hmmm... Hard to distinguish on your scale of "phenomenal to mind-blowing" or "good to mind-blowing". :lol:

Personally, I think frequency is VERY important in a relationship. But so is quality. I guess I'm not helping much! 

My preference would be for frequent, mind-blowing sex, as in every day. Which I am fortunate to have 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I agree, sign me up for both! But for us it's not quite so simple. I understand that quality is on a relative scale, where mind blowing for one person may just be good for another. The wife mentioned to me that we'd have better overall quality if we did it less. While we almost always have good passion, it's not always amped up to the nth degree. She's the pace setter for our sex life, so while I could feel intensity even if we did it 2 or 3 times in a day, she needs to drop to once every other day in order to feel desire. Last weekend was a mind blowing session, but today was only on the good side. Yeah, my rating system is weird and probably too detailed. 

We have 3 kids still at home, so that is a factor.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Personal said:


> I'm with Married but Happy, my wife and I enjoy high frequency without any notable quality limitations. Great sex doesn't need to be traded against frequency.
> 
> If our sexual frequency fell to 3-4 times a week I would start to think that something might be wrong in our relationship. If that frequency fell to 1-2 times a week, I would know there was something significantly wrong in our relationship.
> 
> ...


Most definitely agree. Keeping a higher frequency should lead to better opportunities for a great session. Since I agree through personal experience that quality vs quantity isn't an either/or situation, I do believe with my wife's libido it's possible that there can be a weak inverse relationship - sometimes. 

For me, real life is not a pure trade off between frequency and quality. That's why it makes it kinda difficult to describe it well.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm with Personal and MBH (as usual), quality and quantity all the way


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My answer is off the beaten path...

As I already have quality over quantity, which I'm happy with, I guess I'd choose that out of the two choices.

But, I'd rather have passion than anything. 3-5 times a month I can live with, as long as she's passionate and aggressive and initiates.

The way it is now is 5-7 times a month, with me being the initiator, yet the quality is generally sky-high.

We usually want what we don't have, just like most things in life. For me, my entire life has been as the initiator. With my ex wife and my current wife - all me for the most part. Neither were/are aggressive sexually. They both wait to be taken. Could be worse, I guess, but all the same, I'd like to have a balance where I'm desired that way, too.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What sounds more appealing, having sex 1 to 2 times per week with a high probability that every encounter will be at a minimum phenomenal to mind blowing, or 3 to 4 times per week where there is a high probability that the quality would be more of a mixed bag where the sex would range from good to mind blowing, but more likely just good vs great or mind blowing?


i would take the mind blowing sex with less frequency. i need some kink and not having it would get frustrating. masturbation could fill in the gaps.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I am of the theory that passionless sex is simply an oil change for your car. I can do that on my own, by myself. In fact, I would almost trade daily oil change starfish sex for once a year of mind blowing passion. Having said this, I pray that neither of these options present themselves in my life.

My present reality is gauging my wifes passion refractory times by evaluating the quality of passion after each session. I can produce passion maybe twice a week, maximum. My wife is more like once a week. We split the difference and call it a day.

I am certain much of our reality has to do with the fact that we have been married for 23 years, have a mentally handicapped child, I have severe heart disease and am sometimes given to assshatness. Given these factors, I figure we're doing a damn fine job!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I cast my vote for "Twice Weekly at the Mind-Blowing Stratification" here!

But if it were going to be more frequent than that, then it would be so totally exhilerating if my partner would also be greatly into it, both physically and psychologically, much rather than just laying there like any other bedroom fixture, just waiting for me to get finished doing my thing!*


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## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

I would vote for the high frequency, mixed bag. I think if the sex was high quality all the time, it would create a bar so high that when the sex quality dropped for any reason, it could hurt the relationship. Frequency with a mixed bag would just continuously create that connection that is needed.

I read about all of you having sex multiple times a week and then there's my wife who is absolutely content with 2-4 times per month. We've talked about it a number of times and she is perfectly content with that. The sex is great for her and she has no desire for anymore than that. She says she's always been this way.

Is this common or is this a hormonal imbalance?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

We have great sex about 3-4 times a week and at that frequency we don't seem to be able to consistently amp the intensity. Generally 1-2 times a week the sex is simply outstanding! Fatigue and family demands get in the way of building intensity during the week days. 

Good sex is good sex. Nothing bad about good sex. Everytime we have sex it's good sex but sometimes it's outstanding, mind blowing, and fan-fvcking-tastic!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I think I would have more frequent and intense passion if I only saw my wife once or twice a week, only to have sex. Living with someone always has it's negatives. None of us is perfect, including our offspring.
Maybe I should become a long haul truck driver. Although I'm certain that raises a whole other can of worms!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I'd like it all - 4 - 5 times a week and absolutely mind blowing every time. In reality it's once every six months and it's absolutely crap when I get it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oblivious2678 said:


> I would vote for the high frequency, mixed bag. I think if the sex was high quality all the time, it would create a bar so high that when the sex quality dropped for any reason, it could hurt the relationship. Frequency with a mixed bag would just continuously create that connection that is needed.
> 
> I read about all of you having sex multiple times a week and then there's my wife who is absolutely content with 2-4 times per month. We've talked about it a number of times and she is perfectly content with that. The sex is great for her and she has no desire for anymore than that. She says she's always been this way.
> 
> Is this common or is this a hormonal imbalance?



It is an imbalance. An imbalance of care and concern. 

If you want sex 3-4 times a week while your wife only allows sex once a week...that speaks pretty loudly, to me, that she doesn't care or doesn't understand your desire for more sex. 

How freaking hard is it to have sex? How hard is it to show care and concern, to make effort to show love to your spouse in a way that they receive love? 

It's not hard, unless you're a selfish person.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

doobie said:


> I'd like it all - 4 - 5 times a week and absolutely mind blowing every time. In reality it's once every six months and it's absolutely crap when I get it.


Doobie, 
You have to remember one thing. If you were to "do it" every day with the same person, it may not be as mind blowing as you may imagine. Maybe at first, but it takes a lot of ingenuity to turn a 20+ year routine into something exciting. In fact, I think that's why most of us are on TAM. Things start great and then for a myriad of reasons, things go south.

However, you're story is unacceptable. You need to kick your H in the balls and get him to shape up! What is wrong with that guy? He seems to have a very DISTORTED view of what sex is.

I read a quote from Paul Newman, that I can no longer find. It went something like this ....."Any dog can have sex with a bunch of women, but it takes a real man to make one woman happy for a lifetime."

I hope your husband changes.


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## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

Anon, it's been the ongoing debate on whether she's selfish or not. She definitely has her moments that's for sure, but I would say majority of the time she is not selfish.

Undesired sex becomes duty sex and that to me is a turnoff. I've adjusted to her frequency need and as long as its high quality those 2-4 times a month. MMSLP has helped me get 1 or 2 more in there from time to time when the opportunity presents itself.


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What sounds more appealing, having sex 1 to 2 times per week with a high probability that every encounter will be at a minimum phenomenal to mind blowing, or 3 to 4 times per week where there is a high probability that the quality would be more of a mixed bag where the sex would range from good to mind blowing, but more likely just good vs great or mind blowing?


Immediately log off from the internet and go enjoy your wonderful wife and life. If those are the choices before you, you have won. It sounds like the type of relationship you have is of course subject to the same limitations of time/space/circumstance that the rest of ours are. You'll probably cycle through both options here and there, and maybe even a dry spell occasionally brought on by illness, stress or argument. This is not sarcasm - you are what some would call 'lucky'. Rather than luck, it is probably due to a great choice of a partner in life and both of you having compatible needs and the ability to express them. They don't match up perfectly, sure. If your experiences are typically in the 'mind-blowing' to 'just good' range and in the frequency of 100-200 times per year, there are people here who would literally kill things to trade places with you. Press for everything you want and good luck getting it. Just be sure not to lose perspective and get upset if it's not perfect. 

You're easily in the 80th percentile of marriages, and probably in the 99th amongst posters here. Good on ya.

Currently my choices look something like this: Would you rather have bad sex with your disinterested wife <5 times per year, or seek out an affair or a divorce which may have huge negative impacts on your financial and parenting situations? 

Appreciate what you have. From your perspective, it has its downsides and frustrations. From other perspectives, it sounds like a lost dream.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Mind blowing sex sounds great to me, I can't remember what that was like, at least a decade a go? I'd be happy with that once a month, even if that was all that we had. Bad boring sex zaps your interest level & I'm there. Love hearing about all of you other "horn dogs" escapades. The ole saying "Do it right or Don't do it" rings true for me.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I suppose there would be some point of frequency in which one or both partners go beyond their natural desire and are doing it because the other wants or just because they can.

That is once a week for my wife and I see no good in trying to get her to go beyond that just because I like more sex.

So I guess I choose quality over quantity. For me all sex is mind blowing. I have never had a so so take it or leave it orgasm. I have however slowed down over the years so that I want sex less than when I was 20.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Since the question forces a choice between the 2 options, I'd take 1-2 times of mind blowing sex over 3-4 times with decent to good sex. Nothing makes me enjoy sex more than knowing that my wife was fully satisfied.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> I think we've reached the sweet spot for balancing quality and frequency. We average 2, maybe 3 times a week but it's good quality sex, where I'm into it.
> 
> My H would probably love it if we had sex every day but from experience, the quality usually decreases simply because I'm not an every day kind of gal.


Sounds like my wife and I. She's not an every day gal. Once in awhile, yes. Typically, she needs to "recharge".


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

LuvIsTuff said:


> Since the question forces a choice between the 2 options, I'd take 1-2 times of mind blowing sex over 3-4 times with decent to good sex. Nothing makes me enjoy sex more than knowing that my wife was fully satisfied.


It makes it tough to quantify the choices I put in the OP. The 3-4 weeks that we currently have is at a minimum good and at best it's mind blowing. Overall, it's more of a mixed bag. Supposedly, if I backed off a little and went to 1-2 times/wk, the sex would be more intense. We have a number of encounters that are very intense but a lot that are also of moderate to high intensity. 

I didn't mean for the choices to imply that the 3-4 times/wk is mediocre at best while 1-2 could be mind blowing. Sometimes I overthink things too much.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Thanks for all the comments so far. One thing I have in the back of my mind - right or wrong - is the idea to never cede ground for fear of having to try to reconquer it again at a later time. Not to imply that I'm incapable of compromise because the sex life we have is based on compromise. In this case though, I would not be a fan of reducing frequency for the possibility of better intensity. I'm a believer in the "use it or lose it" approach to libido. If you don't use it, you can easily lose it. Quality is always going to be what you make of it. Just some thoughts.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

I think I'd go for the twice a week mind-blowing, simply because I find for me, when we haven't been intimate for a stretch of several days, the sex always seems hotter. But once a week sex...not acceptable. 

I rarely turn down DH for sex, but there are times where I'm not in the mood or am just crazy tired, so for me, the sex is just okay those times. But I appreciate that it keeps us close and that DH needs it, so I never say no. And not too long ago I went through a long spurt of having a higher drive than him, and would go nuts if I didn't get it AT LEAST every other day (miss that crazy drive!)...so I know what it's like when you really need it....that's another reason I rarely turn him down.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I don't think you can separate the two.

If you're having very infrequent sex, chances are very high that it is not very good. 

I think couples who have the hottest sex are doing it all the time. For one because they're always practicing. Two because sex is always on their minds.

It takes a lot to rev your mind up when you are very used to keeping it under control. 

It also puts a lot of pressure to "deliver" when the occassions are infrequent. There is a higher liklihood that one or both will be disappointed after all of the buildup when it is infrequent.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Thanks for all the comments so far. One thing I have in the back of my mind - right or wrong - is the idea to never cede ground for fear of having to try to reconquer it again at a later time. Not to imply that I'm incapable of compromise because the sex life we have is based on compromise. In this case though, I would not be a fan of reducing frequency for the possibility of better intensity. I'm a believer in the "use it or lose it" approach to libido. If you don't use it, you can easily lose it. Quality is always going to be what you make of it. Just some thoughts.


Welcome to the real world. As someone who was in a Sex Starved Marriage, that is when you don't have sex for months, I have to say that this discussion is pretty unreal. 

A starving person almost always is focused on eating and food. The same is true for someone in a sex starved marriage. The thought of giving up any chance at sex for improved quality is just not in the cards, except in extreme circumstances. I know the depth of those extreme circumstances, because in the height of my SSM, I told my wife no, I deserved better. So in that situation the quality is basically OK versus humiliating and cruel.

I am no longer in an SSM and my wife and I have sex about twice a week. She has so many body self image problems and hang-ups, that "mind blowing sex" is also not ever going to happen. She has never given or received oral, doesn't like the lights on and positions she will allow are missionary and cowgirl. 

In the real world the choice presented doesn't exist for many of us. But for some of us, there is this thing called love and 40+ years of marriage that limits our choices. Having been in an SSM, I can truely say that twice a week is damn good in comparison. However, I would never be able to give up so little for the thought of improved quality that can't be improved much from where it is because of my wife's nature.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What sounds more appealing, having sex 1 to 2 times per week with a high probability that every encounter will be at a minimum phenomenal to mind blowing, or 3 to 4 times per week where there is a high probability that the quality would be more of a mixed bag where the sex would range from good to mind blowing, but more likely just good vs great or mind blowing?


replace "week" with "month" and I'm in familiar territory. My answer is I'll take better quality over quantity, however mixing it up a little is good, I like to be spontaneous sometimes. One "dull" encounter is not a problem but several in a row would be.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Depends on drive. I would much rather get my rocks off 3-4 times a night and then fast for a couple days to build up for mind blowing. But honestly, the more you have sex, the more you learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I'll take the frequency. Sex with my husband is always good, and it just makes me feel so close to him, even if it's just a quickie. When we're having lots of sex, things just seem better between us. I'd rather have it every day in some way, shape or form, then just once or twice a week and have all the boxes checked.


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> If you're having very infrequent sex, chances are very high that it is not very good.
> 
> I think couples who have the hottest sex are doing it all the time. For one because they're always practicing. Two because sex is always on their minds.


*This.*

Sex, like anything, will vary in quality. People have off days, hormones and moods fluctuate, stressors and motivations change from day to day. All this, in people with high drives and the best of intentions and communication. 

If you're doing it a lot, it's because you want to do it a lot. It implies that the couple both have desire, confidence, attraction and an understanding that sex is important and fun. That's going to develop chemistry. That's probably going to open the door to experimentation and wanting to push each other's buttons. More confidence, along with the ability to mutually laugh off a 'bad one' or unquestioningly accept a partner's 'I don't feel like doing x tonight, can I make it up to you next time?' because you're certain there will be a next time quite soon. 

The OP's question is posed from the perspective of having both quality and quantity, and wanting to guard against a drop-off. From the perspective of having neither, I'd take quantity. If you establish that, it should improve the quality.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

UMP said:


> Doobie,
> You have to remember one thing. *If you were to "do it" every day with the same person, it may not be as mind blowing as you may imagine. * Maybe at first, but it takes a lot of ingenuity to turn a 20+ year routine into something exciting. In fact, I think that's why most of us are on TAM. Things start great and then for a myriad of reasons, things go south.
> 
> However, you're story is unacceptable. You need to kick your H in the balls and get him to shape up! What is wrong with that guy? He seems to have a very DISTORTED view of what sex is.
> ...


I beg to differ on the point I've bolded - my last relationship lasted 15 years - we had sex at least five times a week (much more than that during the first five years) and it was mind blowing every single times - how ironic is that?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm at a crossroads. Last 2 times we had sex was amazing for both of us. The reason? Not sure, but my wife sure has a theory about it. She believes that the reason why is that instead of every other day, we had 2 days of in between sex. So the quality vs quantity situation just reared it's head in my marriage. I'm a nerd, dork, etc...but I ran the numbers and if we consistently go every 2 days then that's roughly 120 times of love a year. To me, that sounds low. But...if I can get close to having mind blowing sex almost every time???? 

Guys, I still consider myself and my wife young. We're 41/42. But why does it feel like the specter of age is slowly creeping into our marriage? We have been an every other day couple for almost our entire marriage (will be 19 years later this year). Is it only a matter of time before I start to slow down??? Don't answer, I know.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'm at a crossroads. Last 2 times we had sex was amazing for both of us. The reason? Not sure, but my wife sure has a theory about it. She believes that the reason why is that instead of every other day, we had 2 days of in between sex. So the quality vs quantity situation just reared it's head in my marriage. I'm a nerd, dork, etc...but I ran the numbers and if we consistently go every 2 days then that's roughly 120 times of love a year. To me, that sounds low. But...if I can get close to having mind blowing sex almost every time????
> 
> Guys, I still consider myself and my wife young. We're 41/42. But why does it feel like the specter of age is slowly creeping into our marriage? We have been an every other day couple for almost our entire marriage (will be 19 years later this year). Is it only a matter of time before I start to slow down??? Don't answer, I know.


Plan 9, you worry too much...Keeep it up and you'll drive yourself :crazy: lol

2 days off in between sex simply builds sexual tension. Of course when you have sex it will be better. That's probably all you can think of by day 3! 

I have over 10 years on you. We still have sex every day, at times. Every other day at times. And, every 3rd or 4th day at times.

It only makes sense by day 3 or 4 that you're ready to rip each others clothes off at first glance! It leads to a more intense session. 

It's all good.


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