# Husband's ex girlfriend sent a friend request



## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

My and my husband are newlyweds. He was in a relationship for 6 years with my second cousin, who I have never spoken to in my life, maybe just saw her once at a party, but never talked. So she is basically a stranger to me. Their relationship ended 8 years ago and she is married with kids. We've had tens of mutual friends on Facebook for years and she never sent me a friend request, so I find it strange that she would want to add me now just a few months after I married her ex. By the way, their relationship was both their first, and when it ended, their second relationship led to marriage. So their each other's only ex. 
He's told me about her before, how bad he used to treat her and make her cry, and how he sometimes thinks about messaging me to tell her he's sorry. 
Yesterday I told him that I got a friend request from her. I didn't want to add her because I dont see the point. She's a stranger, never added me years before, and just now wants to add me after the marriage? He kept telling to me accept her, that she's a good girl. I told him I didn't want to. He kept bringing it up. Said if I don't add her, it'll make me and him look bad, that she'll think I'm intimidated by her or that I am annoyed. Then yesterday night he asked again and we got into an argument. We went to bed angry at each other. Can't believe he how much thought he's putting into this, and to get into our first big argument over an ex which he says he doesn't think of anymore. We literally got married a few months ago, and I'm already feeling so insecure now from how's he's acting about her request and keeps bringing it up. I have a feeling he still likes her, or he's worried she'll be hurt if I don't accept her. But doesn't care how I feel. 
Also, I noticed a few months ago the passcode to things he used was a birth year. I Suspected that it was his ex's birth year. When I asked him, he confirmed it was, and said that that's the passcode he has used for years so he's just used to using that, that the birth year doesn't mean anything. I found that strange that he would still keep her birth year as a passcode 8 years after they broke up. I didn't make an issue about that, but now all these things are adding up in my head, and can't help but feel like he hasn't gotten over her. This entire thing is now making me feel so insecure. And I can't help but compare myself to her, how much more beautiful she is, and all that. 

Do you think I'm in the wrong for not wanting to accept her request? Am I making a big deal out of this, what are your opinions? I'm feeling so down right now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Annizka said:


> My and my husband are newlyweds. He was in a relationship for 6 years with my second cousin, who I have never spoken to in my life, maybe just saw her once at a party, but never talked. So she is basically a stranger to me. Their relationship ended 8 years ago and she is married with kids. We've had tens of mutual friends on Facebook for years and she never sent me a friend request, so I find it strange that she would want to add me now just a few months after I married her ex. By the way, their relationship was both their first, and when it ended, their second relationship led to marriage. So their each other's only ex.
> He's told me about her before, how bad he used to treat her and make her cry, and how he sometimes thinks about messaging me to tell her he's sorry.
> Yesterday I told him that I got a friend request from her. I didn't want to add her because I dont see the point. She's a stranger, never added me years before, and just now wants to add me after the marriage? He kept telling to miie accept her, that she's a good girl. I told him I didn't want to. He kept bringing it up. Said if I don't add her, it'll make me and him look bad, that she'll think I'm intimidated by her or that I am annoyed. Then yesterday night he asked again and we got into an argument. We went to bed angry at each other. Can't believe he how much thought he's putting into this, and to get into our first big argument over an ex which he says he doesn't think of anymore. We literally got married a few months ago, and I'm already feeling so insecure now from how's he's acting about her request and keeps bringing it up. I have a feeling he still likes her, or he's worried she'll be hurt if I don't accept her. But doesn't care how I feel.
> Also, I noticed a few months ago the passcode to things he used was a birth year. I Suspected that it was his ex's birth year. When I asked him, he confirmed it was, and said that that's the passcode he has used for years so he's just used to using that, that the birth year doesn't mean anything. I found that strange that he would still keep her birth year as a passcode 8 years after they broke up. I didn't make an issue about that, but now all these things are adding up in my head, and can't help but feel like he hasn't gotten over her. This entire thing is now making me feel so insecure. And I can't help but compare myself to her, how much more beautiful she is, and all that.
> ...


When I opened my first bank account my ATM number was my then girlfriends date of birth.I haven't seen her in about twenty years but my number is the same.Until I read this post I had completely forgotten about this.
I really think you are overreacting,every man I know still has a soft spot for their first girlfriend but it doesn't mean they want to go back to them.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, today is my 37th wedding anniversary (first marriage for the both of us). Do not allow a friendship with an ex come into your marriage (yours nor your husband's). I am 59 years old and my husband is 62 years old (neither of us has lived with anyone before). Have a "come to Jesus" talk with your new husband & tell him exactly how you feel. You need to safeguard your new marriage. You are not overacting. He has feelings for her & this must not be encouraged.

How old are you and how old is your husband? Do you live in the same town as this ex-girlfriend of your husband? Are your parents still living & can you talk to them about this 2nd cousin of yours. They may be able to intercede on the behalf of your new marriage. This concern of your new husband about the feelings of his ex is troubling. Sorry you are here.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Roselyn said:


> OP, today is my 37th wedding anniversary (first marriage for the both of us). Do not allow a friendship with an ex come into your marriage (yours nor your husband's). I am 59 years old and my husband is 62 years old (neither of us has lived with anyone before). Have a "come to Jesus" talk with your new husband & tell him exactly how you feel. You need to safeguard your new marriage. You are not overacting. He has feelings for her & this must not be encouraged.
> 
> How old are you and how old is your husband? Do you live in the same town as this ex-girlfriend of your husband? Are your parents still living & can you talk to them about this 2nd cousin of yours. They may be able to intercede on the behalf of your new marriage. This concern of your new husband about the feelings of his ex is troubling. Sorry you are here.


I am 29 and he is 34. We both live in a different country from this second cousin. And my husband and his ex are not friends and have not had contact for the last 8 years since they broke up that I know of. From everything, I have a feeling he does still have feelings or longing for her. 
I talked to him today that we should never go to bed like we did last night, where he just shook his head at me and turned his back to me and went to sleep. He said he agreed. And asked why I am feeling insecure. That I have nothing to be afraid of and that he only cares about me. But actions speak louder than words.
I didn't tell him that I think he still have feelings for her. Should I bring that up? Because I am feeling extreme insecure and my interaction with him today has been awkward, because I feel this insecurity. 

I need advice. I am alone in this country, don't have anyone I can confide in and am feeling so lonely.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Just ask him to answer this question, tell him this is all you need to know where you stand with him

1. are his ex's feelings or your feelings on the matter more important to him as of right now?
Ask him to think before he answers.

If your feelings are more important and you don't want to add her then he has to let it go. If not you can only assume that her feelings are more important that yours and he has very clearly showed you what he thinks of you, his wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont see any point in having any contact with exes. I wouldn't accept her friend request.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Annizka,
I think that he probably does have feelings - but not the romantic kind that you're worried about. From what you've written, he feels very guilty about how he treated her ... and sad that he hurt someone that he professed to care about long ago. Which is nothing like the intensity and maturity of emotional feeling that commits someone to marriage. Which is what he feels for you. I think that your husband is puzzled about why you are suddenly feeling insecure, and hurt that you are questioning (or seem to be) the extent of his commitment to you. That doesn't mean that your worries about his position are wrong, or that you are being disloyal in feeling them. (Emotions are what they are.) It just means that, like many things in marriage, there isn't actually a wrong or a right. The challenge is to be vulnerable with each other so that you can understand each other's perspectives ...

He wants you to not hurt this woman's feelings more by rejecting her ... than he already did in the past. Is that reasonable? I'm not sure. On the one side, he is seeing you as a unit i.e. an action by one of you is an action by both of you. Which is good in a marriage. And he is comfortable with you being the one to govern the interaction - which is definitely good with a husband's ex. On the other side, you are an independent person who should only have friends on Facebook that she wants/chooses to have and feels comfortable with. 

I think you would make mistake in forcing the issue and telling your husband that he has to choose between upsetting her or you. Let him realise this on his own. What he needs to see is that you feeling uncomfortable about this is actually pretty normal. And that it isn't a reflection about how you feel about him or your marriage. Ex's are an unfortunate part of life. We would all prefer that they didn't exist! And most of us feel insecure about them at one level or another. (I was deeply pleased to see how old my husband's long-ago ex looked in her FB photo when I chanced upon it recently!) Perhaps you could ask him how he might feel in a similar situation (i.e. if an ex of yours contacted him on FB)?

As to the FB request itself - she sent you a friend request, not him. Which means that she is probably curious about how he is, but she is doing it in a way that seems respectful of your marriage and her family connection to you. I think that you have two possible options that are potentially less hurtful to her (and therefore more acceptable to your husband) than an outright rejection: 
- Respond to her personally, thanking her for the invite and telling her that you and your husband are both well. Maybe give her a little harmless/neutral information about your life (and your mutual family). Then share that you and your husband have a blanket agreement that you won't keep in contact with any of your ex's. And, whilst this isn't quite the same, you're going to respectfully decline the invite and wish her all the best. Maybe you will see each other at the next family reunion.
- Accept her invite and move her into the outward circle of acquaintances rather than friends. Where you can exclude her from your more personal stuff. If that's how you manage your Facebook. And agree with your husband that if she were to then send him a Facebook friend request as a follow-on, then he would ignore it. Because it is likely that this would happen and you would both need to agree what he would do. 

You are going to have many challenges of this type throughout your marriage. Try to see this as one of the first (small) hurdles on the journey that you've started with your husband. IMO, it isn't as big as it feels.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

There is no room for exes in a marriage. Play the percentages and do not friend her.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'd just tell him that I don't have any desire to " friend" a stranger that is distantly related, that she is not part of my life, that her feelings aren't my or my husband's problem, and that he needs to drop it... now. End of.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Annizka said:


> I am 29 and he is 34. We both live in a different country from this second cousin. And my husband and his ex are not friends and have not had contact for the last 8 years since they broke up that I know of. From everything, I have a feeling he does still have feelings or longing for her.
> I talked to him today that we should never go to bed like we did last night, where he just shook his head at me and turned his back to me and went to sleep. He said he agreed. And asked why I am feeling insecure. That I have nothing to be afraid of and that he only cares about me. But actions speak louder than words.
> I didn't tell him that I think he still have feelings for her. Should I bring that up? Because I am feeling extreme insecure and my interaction with him today has been awkward, because I feel this insecurity.
> 
> I need advice. I am alone in this country, don't have anyone I can confide in and am feeling so lonely.


I believe that your gut feeling that your husband harbors feelings for his ex of six years is correct. Six years is a very long time for a relationship and they have connected to the inner level of their minds. Your husband ignored your plea of assurance and went to sleep instead (leaving you in a state of insecurity) as he did not wish to betray his inner feelings to you. I don't believe that you would benefit from bringing up how he has feelings for her. You are correct in your observation that "actions speak louder than words". He wants connection with her through you! Do not let this happen. 

What I would do in your place is to be assertive. We teach people how to treat us. Do not speak to your husband about her anymore. Simply, delete her friend request. Do not mention your refusal to friend her as this will bring another bout of disagreement. Meanwhile, insist that all your social media accounts are transparent (both you & your husband sees all your accounts and have the passwords to these). Social media, especially Facebook can be a grave danger to a new marriage.

Work on yourself. Take care of your appearance, be task oriented, have a career path, and be economically sound with a job. Be a desirable person to know. Success and happiness bring self assurance to oneself.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont accept the request, and dont contact her to tell her why. Just let it go. Block her if that makes you more comfortable, or declind the request and mark it spam, that way she cant send another request. Your H's reaction says TO ME, that there are still some feelings there and he wants you to add her so he can keep up with her. Maybe I am wrong, but that is what his reaction looks like to me. He should respect your decision, and watch that HE doesnt add her.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't see FB "friends" as a big deal. I'm FB friends with an old girlfriend. Sometimes its just nice to see what is going on with someone who used to be in your life.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> When I opened my first bank account my ATM number was my then girlfriends date of birth.I haven't seen her in about fifteen years but my number is the same.Until I read this post I had completely forgotten about this.
> I really think you are overreacting,*every man I know still has a soft spot for their first girlfriend* but it doesn't mean they want to go back to them.


If we were friends I would be the one without a soft spot for the first girlfriend. 

OP, don't accept old GF requests on FB.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> If we were friends I would be the one without a soft spot for the first girlfriend.
> 
> OP, don't accept old GF requests on FB.


I had my first date to the movies when I was thirteen,Molly was a sweet girl with a bubbly personality.We had about five dates and then her family moved.This was not a love affair it was just a teen romance and we separated as friends.For some reason I can remember her birthday, I used to send her a card and she reciprocated for a couple years.I have never seen her since and we lost touch as kids do.
I don't think she is going to cause my relationship to go south lol.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> When I opened my first bank account my ATM number was my then girlfriends date of birth.I haven't seen her in about fifteen years but my number is the same.Until I read this post I had completely forgotten about this.
> I really think you are overreacting,every man I know still has a soft spot for their first girlfriend but it doesn't mean they want to go back to them.


Really? Neither of us have a soft stop for our first partners.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

OP, your marriage is young, as such, it needs to be nurtured. During this time you are both finding your steps and learning from each other about each other. This is the time for you to instill in your husband what you expect from your marriage and from him.

He should feel bad for treating her badly but he does not get to bring that into your current marriage. You reject the friend request and inform your husband of your action. If he gets upset, tell him it's not wise to give exs access to your young marriage. This relationship needs to be about the two of you. That's the end of that discussion. Do not bring it up again. Continue as you meant to go on.

I have rejected tons of cousins and old friends facebook request because I don't want those people in my life. I even rejected my favorite aunt's request because my facebook page is for people I want to share certain things with. I choose not to share those things with other people as such there are not on my page. Rejecting a facebook request is not rejecting the person. 

I wish you well in your marriage. Stay your course and be strong with your decision.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> I had my first date to the movies when I was thirteen,Molly was a sweet girl with a bubbly personality.We had about five dates and then her family moved.This was not a love affair it was just a teen romance and we separated as friends.For some reason I can remember her birthday, I used to send her a card and she reciprocated for a couple years.I have never seen her since and we lost touch as kids do.
> I don't think she is going to cause my relationship to go south lol.


You are assuming first girlfriends are 13, sweet and bubbly. Some are not for many.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP. You have all the rights not to accept anyone's "friend request" is your prerogative. Having said that, why all the insecurities? If this is how you react to someone that has been out of the picture for so long, and is in another country, I cannot beging to imagine your reaction to a friend request from someone of your husband past living in the same area as you two.
Is this much the trust you have in your husband? If it is and your gut is telling you that this is how much you trust your husband, then you have a lot more problems ahead of you than a friend's request.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't friend her. She is fishing. The only thing you have in common with her is your husband. It's clear that YOU are not really the subject of her thoughts, it's HIM. All this crap about her thinking this or that if you don't friend her..... Who freaking cares? Why should HE care unless he's planning on seeing or talking to her again.

You are correct to be suspicious about his level of interest over this.

Don't back up. Don't let him pressure you. Stand firm and let him know that you are NOT friending her and you will not tolerate your husband friending an ex. Then go silent on the subject. Look up the percentages of divorces that have Facebook involved. 
It's just another avenue that people looking to start inappropriate relationships can use.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He shouldn't care. He should care about what YOU think not an ex gf from 8 years ago. 

Good luck with your marriage, it seems like you will need it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Don't friend her. She is fishing. The only thing you have in common with her is your husband. It's clear that YOU are not really the subject of her thoughts, it's HIM. All this crap about her thinking this or that if you don't friend her..... Who freaking cares? Why should HE care unless he's planning on seeing or talking to her again.
> 
> You are correct to be suspicious about his level of interest over this.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> OP. You have all the rights not to accept anyone's "friend request" is your prerogative. Having said that, why all the insecurities? If this is how you react to someone that has been out of the picture for so long, and is in another country, I cannot beging to imagine your reaction to a friend request from someone of your husband past living in the same area as you two.
> Is this much the trust you have in your husband? If it is and your gut is telling you that this is how much you trust your husband, then you have a lot more problems ahead of you than a friend's request.


I can't speak for the OP, but I will respond with my thoughts:

IT's because she is an ex, and ex's are the number one person on the planet that people cheat with. She has been hit out of the blue with a request. OP has good reason to be suspicious. The request, and particularly it's timing is suspect. And OP has trouble with both. She's not being unreasonable, in my humble opinion. He is.

Oh, and I'll put money on this if possible: Not too long after the ex becomes fb buddies with OP, she'll slip in a request to be OP's hubby's fb buddy "since we're all friends now". That is the end goal of the fb request. No other logical explanation.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> I can't speak for the OP, but I will respond with my thoughts:
> 
> IT's because she is an ex, and ex's are the number one person on the planet that people cheat with. She has been hit out of the blue with a request. OP has good reason to be suspicious. The request, and particularly it's timing is suspect. And OP has trouble with both. She's not being unreasonable, in my humble opinion. He is.
> 
> Oh, and I'll put money on this if possible: Not too long after the ex becomes fb buddies with OP, she'll slip in a request to be OP's hubby's fb buddy "since we're all friends now". That is the end goal of the fb request. No other logical explanation.


I totally agree with this. This ex-gf is in position to orbit in your marriage. Your husband is poised to let her as well. She will get into your marriage if you let her, by caving in. He is your biggest problem. Don't look at this as a trust issue. This is a previous long-time girlfriend. There was love here at one time; there are still embers. By the way, your husband is justifying his desire by telling you how badly he treated her. Who cares? Not your monkey! I'm really sorry to see you in this position as you are a newlywed.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Thank you all for the support and advice. 
I was feeling down yesterday, the day after the argument, and he came to me and asked me what was wrong and if I was still annoyed by the ex's friend request. I told him it's not the request that annoyed me, it was his reaction of forcing me to accept her, that he was willing to go to bed angry like that over such a thing. I told him I think you are worried about hurting her feelings if I reject her. He then asked if I thought he still had feelings for her and I said yes. He swore to me that he does not, that he loves me, the reasons why he loves me, and that if he knew me back when he knew her, he would have chosen me. He asked me if I doubted that he loved me and I said that sometimes these thoughts do come into my head. Then we got into the reasons for my insecurities which I've had a problem with ever since I can remember. He apologized for making me feel that way and said we'll work together to help me heal with my negative thoughts and insecurities. 
I am an insecure person and so have negative thoughts about myself being worthless sometimes, but honestly in this situation, what upset me was his reaction, not really his ex adding me, even though the timing of her adding me is suspicious. 

As for the ex, I will not cave in. I am not going to accept her request. Even if she has no bad intentions, she is probably just curious, but I don't want to feed her curiosity about how her ex is doing or who his new wife is.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Annizka said:


> Thank you all for the support and advice.
> I was feeling down yesterday, the day after the argument, and he came to me and asked me what was wrong and if I was still annoyed by the ex's friend request. I told him it's not the request that annoyed me, it was his reaction of forcing me to accept her, that he was willing to go to bed angry like that over such a thing. I told him I think you are worried about hurting her feelings if I reject her. He then asked if I thought he still had feelings for her and I said yes. He swore to me that he does not, that he loves me, the reasons why he loves me, and that if he knew me back when he knew her, he would have chosen me. He asked me if I doubted that he loved me and I said that sometimes these thoughts do come into my head. Then we got into the reasons for my insecurities which I've had a problem with ever since I can remember. He apologized for making me feel that way and said we'll work together to help me heal with my negative thoughts and insecurities.
> I am an insecure person and so have negative thoughts about myself being worthless sometimes, but honestly in this situation, what upset me was his reaction, not really his ex adding me, even though the timing of her adding me is suspicious.
> 
> As for the ex, I will not cave in. I am not going to accept her request. Even if she has no bad intentions, she is probably just curious, but I don't want to feed her curiosity about how her ex is doing or who his new wife is.


Very glad to hear that you're communicating well with your husband and that you are not caving in. Work on yourself, especially dealing with your insecurities. It is best that you are self-sufficient & that your self-esteem is good. There are many challenges in a marriage. You've made great strides as a newlywed. Be vigilant as a good marriage needs to be nurtured. TAM has great feedbacks and you've received good advice. Best wishes to you, OP.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I echo the others. The ex's timing is very suspicious given that you've got lots of mutual friends on FB, and only now you're married to her ex is she friending you.

I would go one step further with your husband, and tell him that you won't be accepting her request, and if she requests him that you don't want him to either.

There's no place for ex's in new relationships.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

I knew her adding me was a bad idea, but then sometimes I was thinking maybe I'm being too sensitive, and maybe I should just accept, but I'm glad that most of you share my opinion that the request should be denied. 

Thank you all so much!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Missbank, I love your posts in general but I think this is too soft
As to the FB request itself - she sent you a friend request, not him. Which means that she is probably curious about how he is, but she is doing it in a way that seems respectful of your marriage and her family connection to you. I think that you have two possible options that are potentially less hurtful to her (and therefore more acceptable to your husband) than an outright rejection: 

If the OP is uncomfortable she has no duty to make the OW comfortable, not hurt her feelings, etc, That is BS, she doesn't even know the OW and to start having to consider OW' feelings on behalf of her newly married H is really a horrid expectation. Her H needs to realise that, especially so new to the marriage. His wife should come first always, no-one else. Otherwise perhaps she should be 'concerned' about the feelings of an ex, I wonder how understanding he would be, probably not at all. Your comment above is not helpful imo.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Annizka said:


> He apologized for making me feel that way and said we'll work together to help me heal with my negative thoughts and insecurities.
> 
> I am an insecure person and so have negative thoughts about myself being worthless sometimes, but honestly in this situation, what upset me was his reaction, not really his ex adding me, even though the timing of her adding me is suspicious.
> 
> As for the ex, I will not cave in. I am not going to accept her request. Even if she has no bad intentions, she is probably just curious, but I don't want to feed her curiosity about how her ex is doing or who his new wife is.





Annizka said:


> I knew her adding me was a bad idea, but then sometimes I was thinking maybe I'm being too sensitive, and maybe I should just accept, but I'm glad that most of you share my opinion that the request should be denied.
> 
> Thank you all so much!


Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. In other words, just because you have insecurities doesn't mean your instincts aren't correct. As an older woman who has been wayward and betrayed,married, divorced, remarried, raised some kids and dogs, and has a lot of life experience, let me tell you I have seen men and women ignore their instincts much to their detriment. If your Spidey ever sense tingles, related to your marriage or anything else, take the time to investigate whatever set off the alarms.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Rob_1 said:


> OP. You have all the rights not to accept anyone's "friend request" is your prerogative. Having said that, why all the insecurities? If this is how you react to someone that has been out of the picture for so long, and is in another country, I cannot beging to imagine your reaction to a friend request from someone of your husband past living in the same area as you two.
> Is this much the trust you have in your husband? If it is and your gut is telling you that this is how much you trust your husband, then you have a lot more problems ahead of you than a friend's request.


I would accept the friend request. that way you can keep an eye on she's doing and get an idea as to what type of person she is. You say that you two already have FB friends in common. I was really bummed when my (future) husband offered to de friend his special friend on FB. 

OTOH, when she tried to connect with him LinkedIn I was glad that he ignored it. 

It's not clear that your second cousin has done anything wrong yet so I wouldn't jump to negative conclusions just yet. But if you did see something......


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Let's all be buddies...
She'll chat a little and make "friends" with OP, then she'll casually befriend OP's husband--shell build the trust with OP for a short time first.
Then a FB friend request to OP's husband.
Then a few casual pm's to OP's husband, then when he shows interest she'll spring like a rabid bengal tiger on him. Silently. Skillfully.

The reason OP smelled a rat--- because a rat was near.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Rob_1 said:
> 
> 
> > OP. You have all the rights not to accept anyone's "friend request" is your prerogative. Having said that, why all the insecurities? If this is how you react to someone that has been out of the picture for so long, and is in another country, I cannot beging to imagine your reaction to a friend request from someone of your husband past living in the same area as you two.
> ...


I don't see why she should have to worry about keeping an eye on this ex girlfriend. Keep out of each other's Facebook and lives, period. No reason to bring this woman into their lives in any way, shape, or form.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Let's all be buddies...
> She'll chat a little and make "friends" with OP, then she'll casually befriend OP's husband--shell build the trust with OP for a short time first.
> Then a FB friend request to OP's husband.
> Then a few casual pm's to OP's husband, then when he shows interest she'll spring like a rabid bengal tiger on him. Silently. Skillfully.
> ...


These exact things play out in stories on here all the time. Things are never what they seem...at first.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This would be an interesting experiment. Friend her OP. I'll give it a month and your husband will get her friend request.
Tell husband to ask her if she'd like to meet up sometime, and for him to do it in front of you and let you see her answer.

My bet: "Sure honey, let's sit down for coffee and catch up"... 
Then video the coffee somehow. I'll give her 3 minutes of talking before she reaches over and grabs his hand while they're talking.

It's basic human behavior. Things are done out of nowhere for a reason.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It's basic human behavior. Things are done out of nowhere for a reason.


 Yep, she's just laying the groundwork to stay in touch with the husband.
Annizka, Good onya for holding your ground on this. There is no room in a marriage for Exs. I'm sure a few here will claim "But, I'm friends with my ex and it's all cool". It's gambling with your spouse and your marriage. Not worth the risk.


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Gotta admit a part of me wanted to accept her request just to see what she wants, to see what she would do, if anything. I was curious too. But better safe than sorry.


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## TomatoPaste (Sep 25, 2017)

Lots of advise to the OP which are mostly based on insecurity, and feeding that insecurity. 

It just a FB friendship which often means acquaintance. 

The OP is too insecure for no reason and this issue has taken a life of it's own.

I am married and I have at least 5 ex-girlfriends on my FB profile, and you know what? I do not long for any of them, I do not love any of them, nor do I want to be with any of them. So why are they on my FB friend list? Like someone else already said, its nice to see what people (male/female) in one's past are up to. Its innocent.

And think about this OP: If your husband truly had feelings for his ex, the LAST THING we would want is for you to befriend her on FB.

Those that give advise of "protect your marriage and keep out ex's" are themselves insecure and do not have secure marriages because if they did they would not give such advise.

OP, don't find trouble where it does not exist. Do not allow this issue to control and define your marriage. Let it go.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

TomatoPaste said:


> Lots of advise to the OP which are mostly based on insecurity, and feeding that insecurity.
> 
> It just a FB friendship which often means acquaintance.
> 
> ...


Vigilance is not insecurity.


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## TomatoPaste (Sep 25, 2017)

...but Hyper-vigilance is insecurity. Know the difference.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

TomatoPaste said:


> Lots of advise to the OP which are mostly based on insecurity, and feeding that insecurity.
> 
> It just a FB friendship which often means acquaintance.
> 
> Those that give advise of "protect your marriage and keep out ex's" are themselves insecure




Too bad we don't have a "dislike" button. Not only is this an incredibly naive stance but it totally ignores the husbands rather odd attachment to the outcome.


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