# Maybe I'm Crazy, but WTF???



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Ok, people know my story of the guy I've been dating, he's very casual, "I don't want a relationship"...me, I think we need to define it more, not really serious, just defined. Ok, so I stepped back a bit, didn't text, on the third day, he texted and asked how I was, "you've been busy I guess" that sort of thing. Stupid me thinks, well, maybe he realized that I want a bit more..or that he needed to put more effort into it. yeah, I know everyone told me to get rid of him, and I should have freakin' known better. Ok, so as usual, I ask him about getting together, and say "do you want to go to the beach on Sunday?", he's says fine. Then today I get a text, now tell me if i overreacted, but I guess it was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I was a bit rude.....keep in mind that we haven't seen each other in a week. This is the text:

Him: "still want to do the beach thing tomorrow?? I would have to be back in town for dinner with a customer/friend.."

Me: (hours later) "We'll do it another time" (pissed)

Him: "What time are you dropping off the kids?? because it's only around 7/8ish"

Me: "Yeah, I'm not really in the mood to be squeezed into someone's agenda...enjoy your dinner"

Him: "Oufff (french expression)...Someone is having a bad day...Really sorry you feel that way it was really not squeezing at all...was looking forward of relaxing in the sun and having a drink and nice conversation...i guess I must have done something wrong that I'm not aware of" (what are you?? stupid, read your text)

Me: "Some people don't realize how they say things I guess...maybe it's my problem then...whatever...take care"

Him: "Wow, I guess there is a downfall to texting after all..never meant any disrespect in any way and you know that!!!! obviously there's something bugging you, and obviously I'm the issue...email, text, or call if you feel like letting it out, I felt at ease not to balance every word I typed, but I guess I should have" (basically you felt at ease with everything)

I still haven't answered. But basically, what I will say will be, that our friendship is just too casual for me, but what else should I say???

am I over reacting to this text?? am I being a b^tch??


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You create your own problems.

HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. Stop talking to him and find someone who wants what you want. Say nothing. Or tell him you are just frustrated with yourself because you want more in a relationship and he doesn't. Tell him it's not working for you, so have a nice life. HE has done nothing wrong. He was upfront with you and you think somehow, you'll change him and his mind. YOU WON'T. Accept that.

Why you waste your time with this man, I do not know.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And you know I'm just giving you some verbal smackdown. I don't think you're stupid or whatever. You know this.  I just feel like your glomming onto the first guy who smiled at you. STOP IT! Go date people and stop being clingy. Meet someone new.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If this were a one-off, I'd say you over-reacted and were a b*tch. I didn't see anything in what he said about the beach and dinner that would cause you to get so pissed off.

However, it sounds like your dissatisfaction has been building, you haven't seen him in a week and you had to be the one (again) to ask about getting together. So instead of addressing the main issue directly (that you want a more committed relationship than he does and are disappointed that he is not changing his mind about that at all), you became passive-aggressive and b*tchy.

At this point, just be honest with yourself about what this relationship is and isn't. If he just wants casual and you want more, there really isn't anything to do but end things.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I made the mistake of staying with men who made horrible comments about using me for sex and not wanting a relationship. All it did was waste my time and leave me bitter, along with so much resentment. I should have walked away as soon as I heard those things, but my self esteem was too low.

My husband and I broke up briefly when we were dating. My rebound told me after we went to bed "Just so you know, I don't want to talk about a relationship." I dumped him by email and he was offended and hurt. If Mr. Smallkock could be thoughtless and admit using me for sex, I could be a b!tch too. :smthumbup:

That_Girl is right. Find a man who wants what you do. No need to waste any more dates on this loser.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

that_girl said:


> You create your own problems.
> 
> HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. Stop talking to him and find someone who wants what you want. Say nothing. Or tell him you are just frustrated with yourself because you want more in a relationship and he doesn't. Tell him it's not working for you, so have a nice life. HE has done nothing wrong. He was upfront with you and you think somehow, you'll change him and his mind. YOU WON'T. Accept that.
> 
> Why you waste your time with this man, I do not know.


people like TS usually have to learn the hard way

there is no talking or reasoning with these people 


best of luck TS


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Who is TS, Goldmember? :scratchhead:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lol, yeah who is TS???


Ok, ok, I got the point. I did go on several dates in the last 6 months, and yeah, maybe I had more in common with this guy than the rest, but I should just keep dating. I keep doing things and thinking the end result will be different.

I guess it's partly due to my inexperience with relationships, and the one I had was pretty insane at times.

So do I text nothing now, or say something like "I guess I'm done with the causal stuff, good luck, and take care"

thoughts???


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I made the mistake of staying with men who made horrible comments about using me for sex and not wanting a relationship. All it did was waste my time and leave me bitter, along with so much resentment. I should have walked away as soon as I heard those things, but my self esteem was too low.
> 
> My husband and I broke up briefly when we were dating. My rebound told me after we went to bed "Just so you know, I don't want to talk about a relationship." I dumped him by email and he was offended and hurt. If Mr. Smallkock could be thoughtless and admit using me for sex, I could be a b!tch too. :smthumbup:
> 
> That_Girl is right. Find a man who wants what you do. No need to waste any more dates on this loser.


Yeah, I think I'm getting bitter because I'm not getting what I want out of it...yuck


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Who is TS, Goldmember? :scratchhead:


I accept that people do the backwards thing, but that's way off....lol


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I think TS is thread starter.Working,I just think you're used to being in a relationship,so you're not comfortable with the casual stuff yet.Different dynamics.You'll work the kinks out in time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't even text him back. Who cares! You are dating. Out on the prowl. A woman who creates her own life! Grab life by the horns and get busy! :rofl: That sounds dirty...but dirty is good!

Seriously, forget this knob and focus on the next guy you'll click with. just because something doesn't work out with someone DOES NOT make you a bad person or a person who isn't worth it. he was ONE MAN out of 100s you will and can date. Rawr. This wasn't YOUR problem, it was his. Buck up! Put your self-esteem in check and go get sexy and get back out there. Don't waste any more time trying to figure him out. Oh well, it didn't work. No boo-hoos! There's NO CRYING IN DATING! :rofl: Decide to just move on. These boots were made for walkin'...
*hi 5* and *buttslap!*

(end of pep talk)


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I wouldn't even text him back. Who cares! You are dating. Out on the prowl. A woman who creates her own life! Grab life by the horns and get busy! :rofl: That sounds dirty...but dirty is good!
> 
> Seriously, forget this knob and focus on the next guy you'll click with. just because something doesn't work out with someone DOES NOT make you a bad person or a person who isn't worth it. he was ONE MAN out of 100s you will and can date. Rawr. This wasn't YOUR problem, it was his. Buck up! Put your self-esteem in check and go get sexy and get back out there. Don't waste any more time trying to figure him out. Oh well, it didn't work. No boo-hoos! There's NO CRYING IN DATING! :rofl: Decide to just move on. These boots were made for walkin'...
> *hi 5* and *buttslap!*
> ...


Thanks, I guess I needed to hear that...now, can you come over and slap my fingers every 5 min so I don't text him...grrrr. I never thought I was needy, but crap, I make myself sick...lol


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Sooo...you got mad at him for telling you ahead of time (the day before) that he had plans for dinner so he'd have to leave by a certain time?

Clearly, you over reacted. If you're expecting someone to drop everything for you whenever you want...good luck finding a lasting relationship.

But if this guy doesn't want anything serious then forget about him...OR just remain friends and continue trying to find someone that's looking for the same thing(s) you are  Life is WAY to short to waste it on losers!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

uh, life is busy, the whole point of the message was to plan things, not provide feedback into the state of the relationship. If every technical detail of every letter of text is supposed to imply something more, then maybe having any written correspondence is just too dangerous for your relationship? Personally I hate when assumed meanings are hinged onto my words, its hard enough just trying to communicate plainly without every damn word being a double entendre for whatever random emotion is going through a woman's mind.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Problem is, she wants more, he didn't. He was seeing someone else, she didn't like that but went along with it. While doing my hair tonight, I thought  Maybe this man is MARRIED. You never know. Could be...

WT, just start dating WITHOUT expectations. Date for a while and see where it goes without trying to fit everything into your little "box" of how things should be.

I do think this guy is a waste of your time. Delete his phone number from your phone so you aren't tempted to text him. DO it.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Problem is, she wants more, he didn't. He was seeing someone else, she didn't like that but went along with it. While doing my hair tonight, I thought  Maybe this man is MARRIED. You never know. Could be...
> 
> WT, just start dating WITHOUT expectations. Date for a while and see where it goes without trying to fit everything into your little "box" of how things should be.
> 
> I do think this guy is a waste of your time. Delete his phone number from your phone so you aren't tempted to text him. *DO it*.


Just DO IT. (Starsky and Hutch). I need to get to the movie quote thread!:lol:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Problem is, she wants more, he didn't. He was seeing someone else, she didn't like that but went along with it. While doing my hair tonight, I thought  Maybe this man is MARRIED. You never know. Could be...


Wha!!?? No it seemed clear (and I'm sure WT can clarify) that there was mention of plans to go to the beach, but it didn't seem set in stone, or atleast details were not discussed. Has nothing to do with him wanting less or her wanting more, they both wanted to go to the beach. Now the OP had to see someone else, so what? Why on earth would you even go to the assumption he was married from that? Highly paranoid, and also how exactly did she go along with it, she clearly stated she didn't want to be fit into his schedule.

If it were me on the other end of this text dialog I would have assumed it was WT that didn't really want the relationship, and he even persisted to indicate he does by trying to clarify the misinterpretation but she had nothing to do with it.

Maybe she should end it like you recommend because there will be nothing but communication problems with this one, WT obviously needs someone better at reading her mind


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lon, she has posted previously about their 'relationship'. She wants more, he doesn't...and he made that clear to her. He IS seeing someone else and she wasn't ok with that, but told him it was fine. They have been dating for a while and he doesn't want a relationship, but she keeps pushing the issue...or gets upset that he doesn't want a relationship, when he already stated that he didn't.

I was just thinking maybe he's married because of when and how he can see her. Although now I remember she's been to his house, so maybe I'm wrong.

There is more to this story than this one post. I don't just fly off the cuff.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Ah, sorry... I wasn't keeping up with WT's background on this. Yeah if the guy is playing the field, and has been honest about it (atleast he's being honest?) then maybe it's too complicated. But he did say what his reason for not being available that evening... If WT doesn't trust him though it is better she end it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, I am thinking he had a date with the OW and with WT. Like he's done before in a weekend, etc. Which is why i thought MAYBE he could be married, and the OW could be his wife...people are crazy and could make up wicked stories to achieve their goals. He has been honest and made NO monogamous commitment to WT, which is what she wanted. He told her about the OW and that he doesn't want a relationship. She keeps wanting to "define" what they are :scratchhead: but it seems he's already defined it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If you want a relationship and you start talking to a man who tells you that he doesn't, believe him. Don't try to convince him or accept less than what you want. End of story. Move on, find someone who does want a relationship. You are wasting time on someone when you could be out meeting the love of your life. Why do that? 
I would just tell him nicely that you have realized that you aren't into casual and you are looking for more, sorry for the outburst, no hard feelings, good luck in your future endeavors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If I wasn't doing anything else that day I would look at the situation and think, well, I would like to go to the beach, get out, enjoy the day with someone I like to spend time with. Who the h*ll cares what he wants long term, on this day, I can get what I want so I will give it to myself. If he thinks he is getting away with something, i.e. seeing me and then seeing someone else in the evening (if his story isn't about a business or friend dinner but a date, lol) he is wrong. I am getting what I want, a day at the beach with him. (Then what I do in the evening is my business, lol. Perhaps I will have to tell him that works for me because I need to be back by 7 as well!)

If someone told you that you would never live in Hawaii, but offered you one day in Hawaii, would you not go because it wasn't what you wanted? Or would you go and say, hey, today I got what I wanted. Maybe tomorrow I won't, but today I did. 

I think you have a matter of pride. You are taking things way too seriously and overthinking the relationship before it even happens. A relationship develops. Or not. You can't throw a switch and say, okay, now we are committed. Some people don't feel that way. They want to have options, not responsibilities. I would rather be treated as this guy's option than his responsibility, because he clearly isn't into responsibility.

Sometimes people come along when you are dating and no, they don't want commitment. But if you have a chance to spend time with them, you can take what's offered and learn to observe yourself with someone you're really attracted to, and learn something about yourself while having a fun outing.

I deliberately took a guy out and showed him a good time, to reciprocate from a date, even though he clearly said he didn't have time for a relationship. Has he texted since then? No. Would I be mad if he suddenly texted after so many days and suggested getting together? No. I would just continue seeing him but also dating others and I'd let him know, it's okay, I enjoy spending time with you in your current state of being while I am looking for what I want. If I find what I want elsewhere, you will be low priority but that's part of not having a committed relationship. You are fun, but expendable. That works both ways. There's no crime in it. But if it's not fun for you, if you feel like you're torturing yourself by spending time with him instead of enjoying yourself like you could, then don't go!

Personally, if someone I liked and was attracted to invited me to the beach for the day, I'd go! Who cares if it will be a long relationship or just one day at the beach? It's summer, and it's kind of an entitlement, lol. It's just a date, not a contract of any kind. It certainly doesn't make you cheap or stupid or anything like that. I think you are cheating yourself out of what could be an enjoyable day.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lola_b said:


> Sooo...you got mad at him for telling you ahead of time (the day before) that he had plans for dinner so he'd have to leave by a certain time?
> 
> Clearly, you over reacted. If you're expecting someone to drop everything for you whenever you want...good luck finding a lasting relationship.
> 
> But if this guy doesn't want anything serious then forget about him...OR just remain friends and continue trying to find someone that's looking for the same thing(s) you are  Life is WAY to short to waste it on losers!


I asked him last Wednesday to go to the beach...I think it was enough notice, he made dinner plans knowing full well that we were going to spend the day together. I doubt very much he had those arrangements before, or when I asked him to go, he would have said so then. No, something came up with a friend (and btw he f*cks his friends), so yeah, that was it for me.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Lon said:


> uh, life is busy, the whole point of the message was to plan things, not provide feedback into the state of the relationship. If every technical detail of every letter of text is supposed to imply something more, then maybe having any written correspondence is just too dangerous for your relationship? Personally I hate when assumed meanings are hinged onto my words, its hard enough just trying to communicate plainly without every damn word being a double entendre for whatever random emotion is going through a woman's mind.


I didn't start evaluating every word until he went to visit a "friend" in Florida a couple of weeks ago.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Problem is, she wants more, he didn't. He was seeing someone else, she didn't like that but went along with it. While doing my hair tonight, I thought  Maybe this man is MARRIED. You never know. Could be...
> 
> WT, just start dating WITHOUT expectations. Date for a while and see where it goes without trying to fit everything into your little "box" of how things should be.
> 
> I do think this guy is a waste of your time. Delete his phone number from your phone so you aren't tempted to text him. DO it.


Lol, he's not married, I've been to his place. I don't think he has someone, but I think he's looking in case something better comes along, and sorry that's mean. 

But my problem is I pul all these expectations out there, and then I'm dissapointed with the outcome, when I really should know better. I've been in a relationship since I was 18, no breaks, no dating (I'm 44), so I'm a bit loss with the opposite sex. I'm used to someone smothering me, and so when I don't feel that, I get worried that the person isn't interested. 
I did have a short fling right after my separation, but it was just that, and I knew it would never go anywhere, and I was fine with it. But I think I just go too attached to this guy.


And I have the worst case of PMS right now....grrrrr


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Deleting the number to prevent stupidity...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My take on this would be...... tell him you're not after a casual relationship; that you are needing something more defined and that you would be seeking a relationship down the track. As he was clear with you about what he was after, I think it's only fair to be clear in return. From there you both know where you stand. 

Out of interest (sorry if I overlooked this before), how did you respond when he told you he wasn't after a relationship?

The beach scenario. Maybe I'm weird here. To me, I'd appreciate knowing up front that he had somewhere to be later that evening. If I had to critique him, from the comfort of my sofa and a laptop, it would be the way he communicated his need to be back in town that could use fine-tuning. "I'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and having fun at the beach. Unfortunately I need to be back in town by [time] for dinner with a coworker. Does that still work for you?"

And another critique.... I can't stand when there's potential drama and it continues as text. Someone pick up the phone and talk already.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

working_together said:


> Deleting the number to prevent stupidity...


Okay maybe you've already deleted his number but depending on how you responded when he told you he didn't want anything serious, I think it'd be good for YOU to have said what you need from another. If you haven't been clear with that, I think it's just good for you to have asserted your needs to him rather than "whatever" and falling off the face of the planet. It doesn't mean there's any kind of expectation from him, it just means that you have spoken up (verbally, not text!) about your needs. It's for your own benefit. And then have done with it but I think you'd owe it to yourself to communicate that.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

lola_b said:


> Sooo...you got mad at him for telling you ahead of time (the day before) that he had plans for dinner so he'd have to leave by a certain time?


I always wondered why *********s finish first. Now I know why! Giving a heads up = she cancels the date. It's best to drop that bomb at the last possible second. "oh btw I'm meeting a client for dinner so we need to be on the road in less than 20 minutes"


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Lon said:


> Wha!!?? No it seemed clear (and I'm sure WT can clarify) that there was mention of plans to go to the beach, but it didn't seem set in stone, or atleast details were not discussed. Has nothing to do with him wanting less or her wanting more, they both wanted to go to the beach. Now the OP had to see someone else, so what? Why on earth would you even go to the assumption he was married from that? Highly paranoid, and also how exactly did she go along with it, she clearly stated she didn't want to be fit into his schedule.
> 
> If it were me on the other end of this text dialog I would have assumed it was WT that didn't really want the relationship, and he even persisted to indicate he does by trying to clarify the misinterpretation but she had nothing to do with it.
> 
> Maybe she should end it like you recommend because there will be nothing but communication problems with this one, WT obviously needs someone better at reading her mind


Exactly, I need someone to read my effing mind, it would make my life easier. kidding of course


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> My take on this would be...... tell him you're not after a casual relationship; that you are needing something more defined and that you would be seeking a relationship down the track. As he was clear with you about what he was after, I think it's only fair to be clear in return. From there you both know where you stand.
> 
> Out of interest (sorry if I overlooked this before), how did you respond when he told you he wasn't after a relationship?
> 
> ...


Yeah, the wording was awful in my opinion, the comment "beach THING" really pissed me off, like he was doing me a favor. If he had put it the way you did, it would have been different. However, I was already kind of fed up, so who knows I may have reacted the same.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> Okay maybe you've already deleted his number but depending on how you responded when he told you he didn't want anything serious, I think it'd be good for YOU to have said what you need from another. If you haven't been clear with that, I think it's just good for you to have asserted your needs to him rather than "whatever" and falling off the face of the planet. It doesn't mean there's any kind of expectation from him, it just means that you have spoken up (verbally, not text!) about your needs. It's for your own benefit. And then have done with it but I think you'd owe it to yourself to communicate that.


I guess so, I tried to delete his number/texts, but one is locked...lol...figures.

On our second date, we're in his jacuzzi, and we're just chatting about past relationships I think (I don't remember, I drank too much wine), and I remember him saying "I'm not looking for a relationship", and I know I said the same thing, which was true, I really didn't want anything more than dating, nothing serious. Then our "friendship" seemed to get more intense, and yet he said nothing. One time, before I started having "feelings", he asked if I ever "analysized" us, I said "not really", and I wasn't, so I asked what he thought, and he says "well, it's comfortable, the sex is amazing", and then something like "but you're just out of a relationship"...so we decided to keep going like it was. I didn't need it defined at the time. It kind of sounds like it's my fault as well.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

working_together said:


> I guess so, I tried to delete his number/texts, but one is locked...lol...figures.
> 
> On our second date, we're in his jacuzzi, and we're just chatting about past relationships I think (I don't remember, I drank too much wine), and I remember him saying "I'm not looking for a relationship", and I know I said the same thing, which was true, I really didn't want anything more than dating, nothing serious. Then our "friendship" seemed to get more intense, and yet he said nothing. One time, before I started having "feelings", he asked if I ever "analysized" us, I said "not really", and I wasn't, so I asked what he thought, and he says "well, it's comfortable, the sex is amazing", and then something like "but you're just out of a relationship"...so we decided to keep going like it was. I didn't need it defined at the time. It kind of sounds like it's my fault as well.


Well then........ sounds to me like you need to express where you're at. 

Now that you have worded it this way, I can't help but wonder if he was fishing for a direction from you. Regardless of whether he was or not though, because we can't read his mind either, I think you owe it to yourself to express yourself. And remember, the dude has feelings too.

This might just be a good learning lesson for you in communication and that's a positive thing!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Soooo, a little update..

I emailed him explaining that I did not want our "whatever" to be casual, that I didn't feel good about it, that I have developed some feelings etc. and that I would need to know if it would move forward. I apologized for reacting so strongly.

So glad I sent it...lol

Basically, he said he didn't want a relationship, and he already said it way back, stupid me for not taking that as a sign, i guess I thought I would change his mind in time. So says he would like to stay friends, enjoys my company, kids the same age, they have fun together, then, he's the kicker, he says something to the effect that we could "get together" occasionally, but "not make it a rule". What?? I don't think so. I don't want to over analysise the whole thing because he wasn't rude about it, just said he wasn't able to handle more, and referred to us as FWB.

So I responded with ....friends sounds good. Nothing more. Now, back to dating. I put a profile on a dating sight so I can just date a bunch of people and get used to the whole idea.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Glad to hear that you are now sure in yourself of where you stood with him... On to more promising things!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Good for you! Is it weird that I feel proud of you? 

That took balls on your part to communicate to him where you're at and what you want. As well as apologizing for reacting strongly. You have his clear response and you know where you stand. I think this was a good experience for you. And it sounds like your email handled the scenario with grace. 

Well done. Onwards and upwards from here!


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