# Porn addict? or just lost interest?



## nurse2012 (Jun 5, 2012)

My fiance and I have a wedding planned 4 months from now. The past few months he has grown distant. We have had a lot to deal with in the last few months also, such as moving to a new state and starting new jobs, his which is very demanding. I felt in my gut a month or so back that something was wrong because he didn't seem interested in me as much anymore. One night we were sitting around and I borrowed his phone to look something up and porn came up on the screen. I know all guys watch porn, but when I was compelled to look I noticed that the history on his phone everyday had loads and loads of porn. I was upset and talked to him about it and he said I had nothing to worry about. I wouldn't be worried about it if he included me, which I suggested and he wanted nothing to do with it. He continued to grow distant and I started to realize that I was the only one initiating sex, and sometimes would even get turned down because he was too tired. Over the last few weeks I've periodically checked his phone history to see if the porn was still a constant thing and it was, and in heavy amounts. I recently walked in on him masturbating to porn one day when he thought I had left for work already, I'm totally willing and wanting to have sex, why isn't he coming to me? Now I find myself torturing myself because I feel like I've been replaced. We have sex about once a week now and he even looks at porn afterwards when I'm not around. Today we had a serious talk about what is happening to us and I brought this issue up. He basically said he doesn't know what's going on, and he swears he's never cheated. He said he uses porn because he doesn't want to cheat. He basically said that there was a time when he couldn't wait to sleep with me and now he just doesn't get like that anymore. He then said he loves me and can't imagine living without me but thinks we should postpone our wedding since we don't seem to be in a good place right now. He assures me this isn't a break up, but I am having trouble figuring out how to handle this information, or figuring out where all of this came from. Is he a porn addict and its affecting our relationship? Or does he just not want me anymore and is using that to get off? Is it wedding jitters? I'm feeling extremely torn up and confused. I don't know what to do or how to feel, or how to tell my family and friends.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Over the long haul there is no way for a woman to compete with porn to win a man's affection. Endless variety, ready when he is, no emotional connection, any flavor he gets his kicks from and easy to escalate to the next "genre". At some point, he may find it harder and harder to get up for the real thing and that could not be more unfair to his partner. This should be worked out before you get married. It is some type of addiction that be must want to beat and you surely want him to.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree with the above... Regardless of the reason behind it, the thing you have to take away is that he is capable of this... Going non sexual with you prior to the wedding is a huge red flag... This is less stressful than having a child, worrying about bills, paying for college and all the stresses that come with marriage... You really ought to hold out to find a man who will enjoy a sexual marriage with you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Does he get from porn something he can't get from you? That is, do you demand "clean" sex? I agree that you can't compete with variety, but not all guys care so much about that. I tend to watch porn for specific acts that my wife refuses to do.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

nurse2012 said:


> Is he a porn addict and its affecting our relationship? Or does he just not want me anymore and is using that to get off? Is it wedding jitters? I'm feeling extremely torn up and confused. I don't know what to do or how to feel, or how to tell my family and friends.


Nurse2012, sorry that you are going through all of this. Just like you don't know what is going on with your fiance, we are just guessing here. I would disregard all of the more radical suggestions right now.

1. Getting married is a big deal. It appears that your fiance is very stressed. He is using porn/mb to soothe his fears. Is he addicted? Maybe, but I think it is just symptomatic of something else being triggered.

2. Let's assume this is not about you. Read that again and try to internalize it. If you can get yourself to a place where you don't take this personally, you may be able to help him get to the root of the problem. If you can't (meaning it feels too personal), you need to get outside, professional help.

3. If you can remove your own ego from the equation, you need to have a sit down with him. I would discuss postponing the wedding - not out of anger, but as a means of letting the animal (your finance) out of the corner. He needs to explore why he is feeling so anxious and deal with it.

As much as you have invested in the relationship, I would think that you don't want to marry a reluctant spouse. It will be hard, but you can give him a little space and support to figure this out and still put up a boundary that says you won't stick around indefinitely if he can't fix the ailment. 

This approach is tough love at the end of the day - I would start with the love and then get tough if he doesn't take action relatively quickly.

Good luck.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You are right that men (to generalize) are visual creatures and therefore enjoy porn and masturbating to porn.

If porn is taking over someone's life, then obviously it's become a compulsion (a very powerful bad habit) that is interfering with leading a normal life. For some men, it takes over to the point of being a full-time job.

Ironically, excessive masturbation to porn is linked to bedroom problems. As has already been said, actual human beings can't compete with porn. This is true regardless of whether he prefers professional porn (Barbie doll women with men to match) or "amateur" porn (supposedly people who aren't models).

Frequent watchers of porn (who are therefore frequent masturbators) report increased ED--this is true of even extremely young men and ironically Viagra doesn't always help them because the problem isn't physiological. Men who have ED may get into a vicious cycle where they are worried about having "real" sex, but of course the need doesn't go away, and so they watch more porn which worsens the problem.

You might be interested in this lecture about Internet porn--the lecturer just gave an updated version a few weeks ago, linked below.

TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment - YouTube


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Over the long haul there is no way for a woman to compete with porn to win a man's affection. Endless variety, ready when he is, no emotional connection, any flavor he gets his kicks from and easy to escalate to the next "genre". At some point, he may find it harder and harder to get up for the real thing and that could not be more unfair to his partner. This should be worked out before you get married. It is some type of addiction that be must want to beat and you surely want him to.


Speaking as a man, I have never preferred porn over my woman. Do I watch some porn? Yes, definately. But I prefer my woman over porn and likely wouldn't watch any porn if my sex life was 100% addressing my sexual needs. The only reason i watch porn is to get a mental image of something that isn't being offered in my relationship, or perhaps to get ideas for my own bedroom. Some men are porn addicts, but I think there are plenty of men who are addicted to the real thing with the one they love as well.



WorkingOnMe said:


> Does he get from porn something he can't get from you? That is, do you demand "clean" sex? I agree that you can't compete with variety, but not all guys care so much about that. I tend to watch porn for specific acts that my wife refuses to do.


Good post WorkingOnMe. I myself don't care about variety to the point that I need porn to get my fixes. Variety is important, but not that important, at least not to me.

To the original poster, Nurse2012, my suggestion would be to do the following; firstly, postpone the wedding. If you really still want to marry this man, don't cancel the wedding, just postpone it for a year or so. You don't have to explain to your family and friends about the porn issue if you don't want, just say you need to take time to fix some issues that have come up and want to do so now, rather than try to after you get married. It's logical, and they don't need you to get into specifics. I'm not sure how long you have been together, but if you are getting married, I assume that you've been together a while and have based your decision to marry him on the full length of that time. It doesn't seem necessary at yet to completely abandon the idea of marriage due to a few months of an issue. Pull back, postpone the wedding and wait until the issue is sorted out to your mutal satisfaction.

Secondly, keep the communication open with your fiancee. Without being confrontational or judgmental, explain to him how the porn makes you feel, especially when combined with the drop in physical intimacy he shows you. Communication is the basis of progress, so keep communicating with him. As long as he is willing to communicate back, there is a road for progress and a mutual-pleasing resolution to your problem. 

Maybe he is watching porn for the reason I and WorkingOnMe have said, he is seeking something he feels he can't get from you in the relationship. Speaking for myself personally, if there is something I want that I can't get in a relationship, at times I can get fixated on it for a few weeks or even a few months at a time. Maybe your fiancee is going through the same situation, wanting something he feels he can't get, and perhaps he's just to embarrassed to ask for as well.

Since you seem to have access to his phone, I suggest watching a few of the images/videos he's been watching and see if there is a common theme to them, or if there's something there which isn't found in your sex life. Have an open discussion with him about what he wants as well. If there is something he really wants, and you yourself are comfortable providing that (always remember you have to be comfortable doing this as well, or it'll most likely cause issues later), then maybe you can nip this in the bud early.

If it's something else, maybe counselling is a possible solution? 

Keep talking, and let us know if anything changes. All the best to you and keep trying!


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## Treeflower (Jun 4, 2012)

I've heard of others that has been in the same boat. Various sex and porn studies has shown that a side effect of porn has not been that men abuse women more because of porn, but has grown into a belief/attitude/feeling (hard to put word on that exact thing I think) that actual physical women simply isn't enough. In the physical world do we smell, make noises, tickle (sometimes accidently) and annoy.

The porn girls (and men) they are tidy, no fuzz, always there and with barely any efforts ready for whatever suggestion.

Add that porn girls (and men) rarely are brought forth when it is boring tasks coming up, like dishes, vacuum cleaning, shopping, paying bills, but always when it is something good coming up; orgasm, is it not so hard to see that it is some good associations to porn girls (and men). Orgasm is a pretty strong package of good-feeling and other than (some say) drugs, is it hard to come by anything stronger.

This is not meant as feministic propaganda. It also works for women, lesbians, gay men and anything else you might come up with.

It can also easily be other things. Like rather than not doing a mistake can doing nothing be seem safer. Simple as that. It can be depression, guilt.... It might seem backward for some, I don't know, but men are not so used to be in situations where they can really talk about sex and emotions (some might want to argue against this, but lets do that later if so), if sex seems like a problem, not specific to your relationship with the man, but as a physical thing that got to be simply done, can it be "the man solving problems" role to just fix it without burdening it on someone he loves.

That is bit stereotypical, but it is a trend that men take conversations and topics as something "here is something that need to be solved, bring it on".

Shyness. Not so shocking either if you also consider the cultural attachment that means men are less likely to have the experience of talking about these things in a proper genuine environment.

If I am to come with an idea, perhaps *you* should bring some porn (with the rule that either of you *can* say stop at any time if it get to complicated to handle, but of course is it probably a good idea if you don't, so perhaps see through the part you bring to him so you got some idea on how you will react). You (both, with you as the one that asks this of him) can make more out of this, but that depends on both of you, perhaps too much for him, perhaps too much for you. 

If you are genuine (not using that word as implying disbelief, but I can imagine that sometimes are reality not so easy to handle as the idea of things) and wants this to happen, show it (again, you know him best) with being close, cuddle, pet, kissing. My instinct would tell me to go slow in that situation, let him get used to you being comfortable with this, but also with something you do making him enjoy this more than if he saw this alone. 

If things doesn't work out, try avoid arguing. Perhaps you'll be frustrated, perhaps he says something rude, perhaps you want to say something rude, but don't let it get to you. It is obvious that this matters much for him, and it matters perhaps more for you to get this right. If anything, calmly state that you just really want this to be good, that you love him and that you want to make it good for both of you. 


Again, just an idea, not a suggestion: You do after all know yourself and your partner better than I ever will.



My own experience with this has been limited. Some friends (only two pairs fortunately) has had exact same situation as you (and divorced because of it). I did have a partner for a couple of years that was into latex and shoes. I am very alergic to latex, so while I did the shoe part did we solve the other through video and also some porn (it doesn't have to be both at the same time).

Good luck.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

It is always difficult to tell if a lack of sexual desire on the part of the male partner is being caused by heavy porn use or simple sexual boredom. Or, there could be other reasons. If he has suffered from sexual (erection, ejaculation) problems in the past this can turn a man off sex, if he was abused or traumatized as a child this can cause a fear of intimacy which can make sex unpleasant. Often this doesn't happen at the beginning of a relationship but rather after it has been going for awhile.

Porn and masturbation is usually the #1 cause of low sexual desire in long term relationships but there are other things you can look at too.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Nurse,

Sorry you find yourself in this position but be thankful this has come to light now and not after the wedding.

I agree with the others that regardless of the issue, Do Not Marry Him Now.

Offer to help him work through the addiction if in fact it is that. Turning away a spouse who is willing and able for porn is just something I can't fathom


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Lots of ridiculous posts in this thread. It's amazing how many self-appointed porn experts there are, and I'd bet that most of them don't even watch it themselves.

The #1 reason guys watch porn is because of extended duration between actual intercourse. If for whatever reason, I have to go more than 2 days without it, porn is a virtual guarantee. It's no fun trying to focus on work while sitting at a desk all day with a massive boner, which is what happens if I don't clean the plumbing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

intrigid said:


> Lots of ridiculous posts in this thread. It's amazing how many self-appointed porn experts there are, and I'd bet that most of them don't even watch it themselves.
> 
> The #1 reason guys watch porn is because of extended duration between actual intercourse. If for whatever reason, I have to go more than 2 days without it, porn is a virtual guarantee. It's no fun trying to focus on work while sitting at a desk all day with a massive boner, which is what happens if I don't clean the plumbing.


I would agree with this if she wasn't a willing and available partner. In my marriage, I'd watch porn daily, and self service. But that's because I didn't have a willing partner. Once a week slipped to once a month, and continual rejections. Now with my GF, sex is almost daily, and I don't bother with porn even if we're apart for a week. Rather wait to relieve our stress together.

But again, this isn't their issue, at least based on what she's saying. There's something else wrong here. In my opinion...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

intrigid said:


> Lots of ridiculous posts in this thread. It's amazing how many self-appointed porn experts there are, and I'd bet that most of them don't even watch it themselves.
> 
> The #1 reason guys watch porn is because of extended duration between actual intercourse. If for whatever reason, I have to go more than 2 days without it, porn is a virtual guarantee. It's no fun trying to focus on work while sitting at a desk all day with a massive boner, which is what happens if I don't clean the plumbing.


We're not talking about you (unless you're paranoid), we're talking about people who have an actual compulsion to watch porn. Are you watching more than 11 hours a week? That is what we're talking about, not some random guy surfing the Internet with some free time between normal sex with an actual live person. Most men like porn. Nearly all men masturbate. You are willfully missing the point.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

intrigid said:


> *Lots of ridiculous posts in this thread. *It's amazing how many self-appointed porn experts there are, and I'd bet that most of them don't even watch it themselves.


Hey bud - I totally agree with the highlighted part of your post.

Your comment tops the list of ridiculous.

I have no moral issues with porn, but I think there is a growing body of evidence that suggests porn addiction is really bad for people. I am not a scientist, so I am not going to debate whether the information is perfect from a science perspective.

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck - chances are it ain't a chicken.

Hope you figure out how to get your SO to have more sex with you so your not stuck with any more embarrassing boners at high school -- sorry, work.


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## nurse2012 (Jun 5, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and advice. I re-read many of these since my first post. Since then, the wedding has been postponed and was explained to most family and friends as just feeling unprepared and pressured with planning. I am making a strong effort to reconnect with him, but am waiting for it to be reciprocated from his end. Also, he seemed to somehow avoid giving me any real feedback when I explain how these issues have made me feel. Does this just take time or am I suppose to push for him to communicate?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Sorry you aretn even married walk off..find a REAL man that prefers a real woman..let him sit in a dark room whacking off to an image on a screen...do not "compete" because you are better than that..believe that about your self or no one else will..Not even to "get ideas" or to watch other women perform sex acts you dont want..Its not true "all guys look at porn"..about half do ..go to the other half..you deserve the better half..

Dallas


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I will chime in here. 

Too often I've read on here where Porn is the problem when many times, it's more likely the SYMPTOM of another problem.

And that could be different things. I don't know this dude, and it's hard to make a judgement on limited information. But to simply say "You should find someone who doesn't watch Porn" is definitely an oversimplification to this problem. 

There are a variety of different reasons. 

Problems in the bedroom. That could ED type problems, which can be anything from physical/hormonal to psychological and pressures. A man's ego and his unit are very fickle things. 

It could be as suggested, getting certain things that he may be embarrassed to ask for in real life, or maybe has been turned down before. 

And I will say this, Particularly with a Man that has a woman ready to have physical intercourse (and was doing it regularly), Just "Getting Rid of the Porn" in the end isn't going to do a damn thing if the underlying cause isn't addressed with it. 

If that isn't addressed, one of two things happen, the Porn watcher just sneaks around and still does it, gets caught, and you have even more problems because now they've lied and continued. Or the Porn watcher does give it up, but the other problem still festers, and then you wind up with other problem still there along with a bunch of resentment.

Not an expert... just my opinion.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I am so sorry that you are going through this heartache!! 

Based upon this(your words): 

He said he uses porn because he doesn't want to cheat. He basically said that there was a time when he couldn't wait to sleep with me and now he just doesn't get like that anymore. He then said he loves me and can't imagine living without me but thinks we should postpone our wedding since we don't seem to be in a good place right now.
_____________________

From what i have read, I don't believe porn is the problem but, a symptom of him being unhappy. You should take the "postponement of the wedding" as close to a "i think we should date other people" as you can get. 

I dissagree with other peoples post that he is may be bored with "vinellla sex". I don't think swinging from chandeliers or being ****tier, dirtier whatever is going to change things. He says you are in a bad place. Let him understand the monumental impact this will have on you both to announce to the world you are postponing the wedding. He is trying to tell you something. My advise is to walk away and don' look back. If he chases you back like Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire then God bless you but, don't count on it. 

Sorry to tell you this!


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

You did the right thing. I was engaged living with my H when I found out about his porn addiction. TAM wasn't around and everyone I talked to about the issue said I was crazy and my H was like every other normal man. He moved back into our house and we got married.

10 years later, we're working on our marriage after an EA. Now, he has sexual issues (Low T and also lack of sensitivity due to the porn addiction). I hope we can repair our marriage but I will never get back my self esteem that was lost through all the nights of me wondering what was wrong with me, could I ever be good enough, why was I always rejected.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

When it comes to heavy or exclusive porn use in a relationship I think the reasons are half & half. Half the men watch it because there is something wrong in the marriage and the other half watch it because they come to prefer porn and masturbation to sex with a partner. If you want to know who is the porn "expert" talk to the latter.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

nurse2012 said:


> Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and advice. I re-read many of these since my first post. Since then, the wedding has been postponed and was explained to most family and friends as just feeling unprepared and pressured with planning. I am making a strong effort to reconnect with him, but am waiting for it to be reciprocated from his end. Also, he seemed to somehow avoid giving me any real feedback when I explain how these issues have made me feel. Does this just take time or am I suppose to push for him to communicate?


Hi
I am pleased you postponed the wedding. That was good advice. A wedding is stressful in itself. 

Firstly I don't think his behaviour implies there is something wrong with you. It implies he needs are being expressed in this direction. Can you find out how he feels in general about long term relationships and what it means to him, without expressing too much sorrow or joy at his answer? Or if his sexual tastes are different than vanilla? (I don't wish to be too personal, so perhaps that is a question for you both).

I think sex is physical for men whereas it is more emotional for women (generalisations I know, but I think it helps to explore that idea).


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

Hi everyone, I'm Rachel. I'm also in this boat with the husband and porn thing. First off, I just got married, about... 4 months ago. I'm 18. He is 21. I had no idea how into this ""porn"" as he is. I, too, have watched it too, BUT, I did so when I was single. I've watched it with him, to try it on for size for the relationship, and it was okay, yeah, but it wasn't my husband. Before that, I only watched it like twice, when he was holding out on me, and he was at work for 8 more hours. I have always had a very high drive, call it the teenaged thing, so has he. We were having it every single day. Then, all of a sudden, he came home, "I'm sore", "I'm tired", "I'm just not in the mood". At first, I was very understanding, upset obviously, but kept it to myself. Then, I found literally, over a hundred porn videos A DAY, on his phone, on the days he turned me down. I couldn't figure out why the h*** he would turn down the real thing, for that? :/ It made me feel that I wasn't as sexy, or adventurous, and I know that I am. On both counts, not meaning to sound conceited, but I am very good looking, not the best, but good. I'm 5'4 and 104 pounds (and healthy not anerexic, I'm just small) and I'm always bringing new ideas to the table, so it's not that there is anything lacking sexually. I'm always doing things that even I don't like to do, that he wants to. So it's not that either. I've found that I want it more and more, and don't come on too strong, but I've TRIED. Ladies, you know when you do your hair and makeup in the bathroom for an hour, wearing your hottest lingerie and heels, everything he likes? I did that. He barely looked at me. And I found it on his phone that day. I wouldn't mind if it was occassional. I understand that there are times. But he has admitted to doing it in our BATHROOM, with me RIGHT next door. I asked him why he didn't just come over to me, his excuse? "It was something a little quicker." I don't mind quickies, AT ALL. When he's ready, I'm ready... It's embarrassing that my man is resorting to girls online... Then I wonder if he'd cheat, if he needs other women to fulfill the desire, when he has the choice of me, right there. I've played hard to get, I've went out and done my own thing, I've catered to him, and I've been the boss. I'm SO lost. Help...


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

Oh, and another thing. We had actually had sex one time, and the next day, he had a little cut on him? He blamed it on me. Said it was from how "hard" we went the previous night. I bought it at first. But we never had that problem ever. And he blamed it on a little stubble or something, and I had none. That's what angered me... He put it on me, as my fault, when it was from him finishing to the porn...  And then I was shorted that day again, and he was bitter.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Married at 18? Yikes.

You are likely learning on the fly and almost guaranteed this is your first long-term relationship. How long before mariiage where you together?


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

Oh believe me, I am. It's got its difficult moments, but I'm surviving, better sometimes over others haha. I knew him for 3 years, were together for a year. It was very quick-moving.


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

Rachel, you need to have a very frank discussion with your husband regarding his excessive porn use and how it is impacting your relationship. At 21, even with all of the free access to porn that exists these days, he should be focused on you. 

If I ever used the "I'm tired" excuse at 21 -- with an 18 year-old female waiting for me in bed -- I would have simply just given up and become a monk. I could have just finished running a marathon, and if my teenage girlfriend wanted to go, we would have gone at that point.

I wish you the best of luck. It's tough being married at such a young age because you don't have a lot of meaningful life experience to draw from. The upside is....hey, you're 18, and the rest of us just wish we still were. I admire you for seeking help/advice, though!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Same porn problem again.
And some guys just can't see the negative effect it has on women in LTR...
But then,
That's just my humble opinion.


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

Something is wrong and it will only get worse if you were to marry. 

The porn seems to be part of the picture in a big way.

However, just for the record, it is possible for a guy to watch a lot of porn and still want to be with their wife even more. 
We have sex about 3 times a week all on the weekend which is all she can do since on weekdays she gets up at 5:00 am and runs a daycare by herself until 6:00 or 6:30 pm. Each weekday at 7:00 pm we do an intense group aerobics class or we lift wieights for an hour. By the time that is over she hasn't got a drop of energy left for sex and she goes to bed and watches TV or reads and is asleep within an hour.

The sex on the weekends however is pretty good usually (even if I might have a few unfullfilled wishes).
On top of that I do look at porn, but I would rather be with her if I could. 
I don't expect what I see in porn videos to happen in real life. I am not that stupid.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Yeah, at 21 I don't think I could get to tired for sex. I could be in surgery and as long as I had the blood flow to get it up I'd be ready to go, especially with an 18 year old waiting in bed for me. 

I like porn to to a degree, but how anyone can perfer that to the real thing is beyond me. Even 'ok' real sex is better than the best porn video I've seen. When you add in an entering her prime young lady who seems willing to do anything to spice things up, I don't think I'd even leave the bedroom for a week minimum.


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

That's exactly what I thought. I don't mind porn, and I don't mind masturbation. I wouldn't mind them together, but as soon as you see them turn you down, every day, with an excuse, and you see, everyday, he's watching it. It pisses me off to be honest. As a woman, I like to feel undeniable and irresistible in that area. It's a confidence thing with me. Especially with MY man. When I see him watching all that, it makes me think those girls are more what he wants. I try anything. I make it pleasurable. I'm flexible, and that's an understatement. He always "finishes". He always says it's amazing. I've even let him record us as replacement for porn. I've been the perfect little housewife lately. I don't fuss or nag about anything, even if it's tempting. I shut out all urges. I do everything I normally ask him to help with, chore wise. So he doesn't do anything. I did that for about 2 weeks. I initiated sex multiple times every day for 4 days. Nada. "Not in the mood for it." Looked at his phone, and he was earlier that day. It makes me angry that he can't do it with me. Just because I know I could get it from most men around here. I'm still having men, even his friends, come onto me. But yet my own husband won't :/. It's embarrassing, to even see him push me off him in public when I kiss him for a second. He acts like I'm annoying. And that's the biggest insult ever when you're trying to have sex in your own house, bed, alone, and he still does it. After those 4 days of turning me down, he finally initiated, when he came home and I was half dressed working out. I actually turned HIM down for once. I was busy, and I begged for almost a week, and he was "not in the mood". He said, whilst trying to provoke me on the bed, "I'm horny it's been awhile." I laughed in my head thinking, "Uhm, it's been 4 days for me. And it's been one day for you. You got off without me yesterday." It was an insult! I mean, he prefers porn over me. I use nothing anymore. He's completely turned me away from him until this porn bs stops. It just angers me that when I want it, no. Or the few times he does, it seems (like yesterday) that he's only doing it because he knows I've been wanting him to, and he must feel he's walking on thin ice if he doesn't. Another thing is I've 97% of the time, been initiating it, and 96.9% of that, getting shot down. It's embarrassing... Also, he can get his needs met, and when I want him to meet mine, nadda. Why should I give it to him, when a) i don't want it anymore. b) he fills his needs elsewhere. c) he won't give me any, why should I, when he doesn't prefer me anyways. I do all the stuff they do... Only mine's REAL. He used to be all over me because I could do one of the things they can do, and he treated it as a prop, to where I no longer wanted to do it. As soon as we'd get started, he'd ask me to "squirt". I got sick of it, and he got angry because I couldn't... After he knew I could do that, it's the only reason he wanted to have sex with me. I'm just turning him down. What's the point. Maybe he'll give up the porn, and miss it. Ya know, the REAL thing. Gr.

And thank you, it's hard. And he's a pita lol. But, I do love him no matter what. It's just the affection isn't what it used to be, along with the sexuality... He'll watch porn everrryday. Literally HUNDREDS of links. At work on break, at home in the bathroom. When he's driving to work. It's ridiculous. I feel jipped. I can't even get good satisfaction from porn, so I rely on myself and him. And I neverrrr choose myself over him, it's just not the same. I mean, when you do that, you imagine the real thing. You don't imagine masturbating when you're screwing? You imagine screwing when you're masturbating. So WHY choose that over the real thing.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I seriously have no idea why some men prefer porn to the real thing. It makes no sense to me. I like porn too, but only a little here or there and I'd never prefer it to sex, especially with my fiancee. It sounds like he has some sort of addiction.


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

Same here. And agreed. But I've talked to him about it, but I've never said "stop." I know it'd only anger him, and then he'd only hide it better. Right now, he knows I know. I'm being subtle about it. When he said it'd been awhile, I said, in a joking manner, "hey, it's been awhile for ME, you got off yesterday." So , maybe he'll get the hint, and I won't get the nagging conversation lol. But I've made it clear that I don't like it and that I need more sex than I'm getting. So I'm not avoiding it. Trust me. With a drive like mine, and the way I need it, I won't beat around the d*** bush lol.


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

At first I thought, "Oh, well, it's been a year of us sleeping together. Maybe he's just lost interest in the same person..."
Idk.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

babygirlcochenour said:


> At first I thought, "Oh, well, it's been a year of us sleeping together. Maybe he's just lost interest in the same person..."
> Idk.


The only reason I lost interest in my ex-wife is because she lost interest in me...and found many other men interesting.

I've been involved with my current fiancee for 6 1/2 years and I'm still VERY interested, likely much more interested than she'd like me to be, lol.


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

I wish he'd be more interested than "I'd like him to be". Haha.. He used to be alllllll over me. Now he's anti-me. :/ And that's exactly how I'm feeling! I'm losing interest in him, because I see no interest from him. Makes me feel undesirable, and once I feel that way, everything else ceases..


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

Plus, on movies, I'm even getting the hint of jealousy now.. I mean, he compliments, and says, "Oh do they show her t***?". And then says how beautiful she is, or how perfect her look is. I just find myself sooo jealous, because he does it when it's just me and him, there's no guys around to seem "guy talk-ish" with... And I can't get that kind of interest in him anymore.. So it SUCKS. I find myself wanting to cover his d*** eyes anymore. Again, it's insulting to see the interest else where. Let me gawk at a man genitalia about how "big" it is compared to him, and see how he feels...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Yep, completely understand. My fiancee and I had a two year stretch where sex was once every 2-3 weeks, and it was more like duty sex than anything, she just seemed to have no passion, or very little. So finally, one day we had a talk and I said that unless this improves, there's not going to be an us for much longer. I really loved her but I knew this wasn't something I was ready to live the rest of my life with either. 

After a lengthy talk, she agreed and we've been working on it ever since. There was a hiccup about a month ago or so, where it seemed like sex was becoming infrequent again, so I had another discussion with her to touch base and make sure everything was ok, and it's picked right back up again.

Communication, if it's a two-way street, is awesome for relationships. If it's not, it's arguably the most aggrevating.


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

Mhm. I wanted to see how far gone he was attraction-wise with him. I walk around in the nude, right beside him, not one glance. I stared in the mirror just exploring at what could be so wrong all of a sudden.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Do not get in the habit of thinking something is wrong with you. Things don't change appearance wise that rapidly, outside of extreme cases. Even if there has been a slight bit of a change physically, that should have little affect on him. He's supposed to be in love with you, and love can have a way more powerful effect than natural beauty.

I'm sure he's changed physically as well, and obviously emotionally he's changed with his attitude towards you. Yet you still love him and desire him, why should he desire you when you've thus far been a much better person than him on this issue?


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## babygirlcochenour (Jul 6, 2012)

That's actually very helpful to hear, thank you . <3 I'll try to keep that in mind.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

I hope you are postponing the wedding.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

babygirlcochenour said:


> That's exactly what I thought. I don't mind porn, and I don't mind masturbation. I wouldn't mind them together, but as soon as you see them turn you down, every day, with an excuse, and you see, everyday, he's watching it. It pisses me off to be honest. As a woman, I like to feel undeniable and irresistible in that area. It's a confidence thing with me. Especially with MY man. When I see him watching all that, it makes me think those girls are more what he wants. I try anything. I make it pleasurable. I'm flexible, and that's an understatement. He always "finishes". He always says it's amazing. I've even let him record us as replacement for porn. I've been the perfect little housewife lately. I don't fuss or nag about anything, even if it's tempting. I shut out all urges. I do everything I normally ask him to help with, chore wise. So he doesn't do anything. I did that for about 2 weeks. I initiated sex multiple times every day for 4 days. Nada. "Not in the mood for it." Looked at his phone, and he was earlier that day. It makes me angry that he can't do it with me. Just because I know I could get it from most men around here. I'm still having men, even his friends, come onto me. But yet my own husband won't :/. It's embarrassing, to even see him push me off him in public when I kiss him for a second. He acts like I'm annoying. And that's the biggest insult ever when you're trying to have sex in your own house, bed, alone, and he still does it. After those 4 days of turning me down, he finally initiated, when he came home and I was half dressed working out. I actually turned HIM down for once. I was busy, and I begged for almost a week, and he was "not in the mood". He said, whilst trying to provoke me on the bed, "I'm horny it's been awhile." I laughed in my head thinking, "Uhm, it's been 4 days for me. And it's been one day for you. You got off without me yesterday." It was an insult! I mean, he prefers porn over me. I use nothing anymore. He's completely turned me away from him until this porn bs stops. It just angers me that when I want it, no. Or the few times he does, it seems (like yesterday) that he's only doing it because he knows I've been wanting him to, and he must feel he's walking on thin ice if he doesn't. Another thing is I've 97% of the time, been initiating it, and 96.9% of that, getting shot down. It's embarrassing... Also, he can get his needs met, and when I want him to meet mine, nadda. Why should I give it to him, when a) i don't want it anymore. b) he fills his needs elsewhere. c) he won't give me any, why should I, when he doesn't prefer me anyways. I do all the stuff they do... Only mine's REAL. He used to be all over me because I could do one of the things they can do, and he treated it as a prop, to where I no longer wanted to do it. As soon as we'd get started, he'd ask me to "squirt". I got sick of it, and he got angry because I couldn't... After he knew I could do that, it's the only reason he wanted to have sex with me. I'm just turning him down. What's the point. Maybe he'll give up the porn, and miss it. Ya know, the REAL thing. Gr.
> 
> And thank you, it's hard. And he's a pita lol. But, I do love him no matter what. It's just the affection isn't what it used to be, along with the sexuality... He'll watch porn everrryday. Literally HUNDREDS of links. At work on break, at home in the bathroom. When he's driving to work. It's ridiculous. I feel jipped. I can't even get good satisfaction from porn, so I rely on myself and him. And I neverrrr choose myself over him, it's just not the same. I mean, when you do that, you imagine the real thing. You don't imagine masturbating when you're screwing? You imagine screwing when you're masturbating. So WHY choose that over the real thing.


I hate to be blunt and honest, but if it's like that now, it's not going to get any better, but worse until he recognizes it's a issue and fixes it or you both go your separate ways.

My husband and I had a great sex life for the first 14 years of our marriage, then the internet came to town and there it went. Looks at porn constantly, won't admit it. But yet he's not interested in sex with me.

Don't let it go on too long or you won't know how to get it back and it will be too late. Get help for it NOW.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

babygirlcochenour said:


> Mhm. I wanted to see how far gone he was attraction-wise with him. I walk around in the nude, right beside him, not one glance. I stared in the mirror just exploring at what could be so wrong all of a sudden.


Take it from me, it's not you, it's not you, it's not you.

Constant porn viewing de-sensitizes him to you. It's like he doesn't even see you.

I am an attractive 52 year old who had a tummy tuck and lipo last year and am large breasted (which he loves) and weigh almost what I did when we married almost 29 years ago.

I am college educated, a high wage earner and retired military--in other words, I'm smart and self-sufficient.

I'm a catch and other men tell me that all the time except the man that I want to want me the most.

Don't be me in 40+ years.

Take control of it now.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

What relationship nowadays hasn't been affected negatively by facebook and porn! Porn issues are so painful. My husband had more of a picture fetish and had hundreds of pics he collected from the internet. His obsession with perfect images that i could never compete with hurt me horribly. It didn't matter what he said to justify it. It didn't matter about how we are wired differently. It still made me feel as if i couldn't fulfill him. I have a strong sex drive and never denied him..ever. He started taking lots of pictures of me that were very beautiful and sexy...and he has cut back on the porn (we watch porn together) and he doesn't collect pictures anymore. Our sex life after 8 years is still incredible..without his pictures and porn. So, I guess I was lucky that he was willing to make those changes...(or maybe he's hiding it well!) He did listen to my pleas and how it was hurting me.. it's not an issue anymore.


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