# A husbands jealousy



## ordairu (Dec 14, 2017)

Ok I’m going to rant. I’ve been married for less than a year. I’m 27 years old and my wife is 26. I’m crazy about her, but I just want to know others opinions. When me and my wife met 5 years ago and starting dating. one of her best friends, Josh. I found out he had feelings for her even though they considered each other best friends. He flirted a little and it made me mad so I told her I wanted her to stop talking to him, but she got upset and said he was a big part of her life and her best friend and that she didn’t feel that way about him and that he wasn’t like that, he knew she was taken. She actually stopped talking to him and now four years later we just got married and are living in my hometown that is hours away from hers. She hates this town. Which I have to agree. Theres nothing to do and the people ****ing suck and on top of it she has depression. A few days ago I found out that her and Josh are talking again. He knows were happily married and he apparently has a girlfriend. I honestly don’t want them talking and I told her how I felt and she got upset and said how she has gave up a lot to be with me. She barely gets to see her family and friends. She says she feels like shes lost a lot of friends the past few years. She said shes felt so down lately and feels kind of lonely since I work all the time so shes just trying to catch up with old friends so she has more people to talk to so she doesn’t constantly have to rely on me, but I just don’t like this guy and I don’t trust him talking to my wife even if she says that they’re just friends. I just want to know what others think? Am I overreacting?


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## brooke24 (Dec 13, 2017)

I don’t see what is wrong with it if she’s being faithful and they’re just friends. Y’all are adults. Should be allowed to have friends. No matter what gender.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

ordairu said:


> I just want to know what others think? Am I overreacting?


The fact is different people have different standards for this sort of thing. I'm like you. I would not like my wife texting or talking with other guys as "friends". I of course follow the same rules and don't have female friends. It's really not a problem for either of us since we both feel the same way. 

That being said other people have different standards. They allow their spouses to have friends of the opposite sex. Sometimes that's OK if both people are honorable. However when a couple starts having problems, it can lead to cheating in some cases.

I would say your issue is that you have a different set of standards from your wife. Of course I have no clue if she would ever cheat, but as I said it's not uncommon for this kind of thing to lead to a affair, emotional or otherwise. You really have two choices. Either put your foot down and see where that goes, or let her have her friend and just monitor the situation the best you can.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Does she not work and if not why not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IT sounds as of she is at home all day while you work. Can she not get a full time job? Has she joined local groups or taken up hobbies to make friends? Has she made any real effort to be part of the community?
I have pretty strong boundaries with the opposite sex, as does my husband. What she is dong wouldn't be acceptable to either of us. She is making excuses for her behaviour, and she can always talk to female friends or family if she needs to. 
When you move to a new area you must make a real effort to get to know people . We did it last year and already know many people, mainly through church.

If she doesn't work, then some voluntary work would help a lot.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well, I'll be honest.

Her friend was her friend *long* before she ever met you . So you* knew* about the guy going in. She was foolish enough to dump her friend solely to satisfy YOUR insecurities, but I'm sure she felt like **** dumping her friend *for no good reason *other than to make YOU feel better*. * 

Sorry, but your childish paranoia is NOT a good reason.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the book NOT JUST FRIENDS. Both of you need to
Read it.

Whats up with her depression? Why do you live somewhere you both hate?

You have way too many issues for this marriage to work as is.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

For what its worth I don't believe in opposite sex friends unless one of them is gay (and even then ...). This guy has feelings for her (that was bound to happen as per my view on opposite sex friends). So you are not insecure and not wrong to put a stop to it. She needs to find other friends and/or work too. Most of all she needs to understand boundaries. Even if she goes to work and makes male friends, you might end up in the same place again. You have to explain why couples have boundaries - even if she doesn't intend to go beyond just friendship, we all know it happens. She may not be mature enough to understand this but maybe a counselor can help.

As for this guy, he does not appear to be a friend of the marriage and for that reason alone, he must go. He knows how he feels about her. He knows how you (rightly) feel about him hanging around. So he took the opportunity again and whether he or she likes it or not, it will drive a wedge between you and your wife.

How did you find out that he had feelings for her ? If your wife told you and was immature enough to still continue talking to him, she needs help!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, I'll be honest.
> 
> Her friend was her friend *long* before she ever met you . So you* knew* about the guy going in. She was foolish enough to dump her friend solely to satisfy YOUR insecurities, but I'm sure she felt like **** dumping her friend *for no good reason *other than to make YOU feel better*. *
> 
> Sorry, but your childish paranoia is NOT a good reason.



No good reason? LOL 

Friend of the opposite sex flirting with your spouse is a damn good reason.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

OP, has she changed her behaviour regarding her phone, tablet etc. more guarded, new or added a password etc?

Did she stop the contact with him originally, and if so, was it at your suggestion?

Who initiated the re-connect?

If she stopped contact because you asked her to, and then she contacted him again, I'd have a problem with that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My older daughter is a beautiful women. She has had old OSF friends like this forever. She is very outgoing.
And yes, some still have feelings for her.

It worked for her because she really did not have feelings for them. And she is a very confident person.
Now, that certainly could have changed. It never did.

They eventually stopped contacting each other. Her husband did not care....as far as I could tell.

It depends on the wife's state of mind and confidence level. 

Your wife being depressed puts her at risk for an emotional affair. One that will sneak up on her.

When young, I was a very jealous person, also.

She needs girlfriends, not guy friends.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> My older daughter is a beautiful women. She has had old OSF friends like this forever. She is very outgoing.
> And yes, some still have feelings for her.
> 
> It worked for her because she really did not have feelings for them. And she is a very confident person.
> ...




Confident people still have affairs. In fact if they are extrovert they may need stronger boundaries than the more shy/introvert among us.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Is she working?


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Let me guess, 99% of the women who respond to this will say there's nothing wrong with it. 99% of the men will say hell no, I don't want my wife chatting up other dudes. Being a man myself I'll add hell no, I don't want my wife chatting up other dudes. Why the difference in responses by sex? Because as men we know men and we know this friend of hers wants to F her brains out and is just biding his time until you guys get in a fight or whatever. That's exactly what he's doing. Women rarely see through stuff like that. "Oh, it's not like that, he's just a friend". My wife is one of those rare women who sees through the male "friends" bull**** which is why I love that woman with all my heart.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Let her know you are going to hang out with a lifelong female friend who just confessed her love to you...I doubt it will be viewed quite the same way by her.

Here is the thing, OP. If you are not okay with it, and this is your hill to die on, then enforce the boundary...but...be prepared to lose your marriage over it. If it is important enough for a boundary, then it must be that crucial.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You do realize that when she says the people from your home town vulgarly suck, that that judgement includes you and your family.

Simply copy all of her texts to Josh and mail them weekly to Josh's girlfriend. Nothing like the bright sunlight of exposure.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

ordairu said:


> Ok I’m going to rant. I’ve been married for less than a year. I’m 27 years old and my wife is 26. I’m crazy about her, but I just want to know others opinions. When me and my wife met 5 years ago and starting dating. one of her best friends, Josh. I found out he had feelings for her even though they considered each other best friends. _He flirted a little and it made me mad so I told her I wanted her to stop talking to him, but she got upset and said he was a big part of her life and her best friend and that she didn’t feel that way about him and that he wasn’t like that, he knew she was taken_. She actually stopped talking to him and now four years later we just got married and are living in my hometown that is hours away from hers. She hates this town. Which I have to agree. Theres nothing to do and the people ****ing suck and on top of it she has depression. A few days ago I found out that her and Josh are talking again. He knows were happily married and he apparently has a girlfriend. I honestly don’t want them talking and I told her how I felt and she got upset and said how she has gave up a lot to be with me. She barely gets to see her family and friends. She says she feels like shes lost a lot of friends the past few years. She said shes felt so down lately and feels kind of lonely since I work all the time so shes just trying to catch up with old friends so she has more people to talk to so she doesn’t constantly have to rely on me, but I just don’t like this guy and I don’t trust him talking to my wife even if she says that they’re just friends. I just want to know what others think? Am I overreacting?


Is he still flirting with her?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

My wife and I established a zero tolerance policy on opposite sex friends once we became serious. It works well. It was actually her idea and I am thankful for it. 

There is only one thing a male friend can offer her that a female friend can't. It rhymes with sock. 

I wouldn't be able to accept the little weasel hanging around, biding his time, just waiting for a moment of weakness and vulnerability to try to realize his dream. Whether your wife would cheat or not is irrelevant. These little worms are very effective at undermining your relationship. They have unique information and access and can actively sabotage an otherwise solid relationship. 

This can happen with any friend, but an opposite gender friend with unrequited feelings? Bet on it. Even if they can't have your spouse, they don't want you to have them either.

Honestly, it probably a little late to try to set such a ground rule. This doesn't work unless both parties believe that their marriage is more important than any single outsider. Perhaps you can get her to agree on this one "friend" but you will have to work to help her find the happiness and comfort she is missing in her life. Hopefully you have been doing this already. You should be.

Fight to keep your marriage strong. Pull close to her and help her get settled there. Move if you have to. Guard against potential threats to the marriage. I think your instincts are spot-on.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't think you are overreacting. But I probably wouldn't even have married someone who had an opposite sex BEST friend who was known to have had sexual interest in my partner to begin with!

Why isn't your wife working??

It sounds like a recipe for disaster. She is"lonely" because you are at work supporting her ass, so to fill her time she's communicating with another man?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

She seems to play the victim card pretty heavily... 
"this town you took me to sucks"
"you made me loose my friends"
"you working leaves me home alone"

I dont accept my wife chatting with another male.. it irks me... and i can typically make her realize how it feels by simply stating "OK, so i can talk to females i meet? As long as they are just friends then????"

I think her 'victim' attitude is going to be a challenge to overcome because these people never really self-analyse their own behavior and power to change things. Even if you move to another town she will spin her victim wheels again.

She needs an awakening and some fire under her ass....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She agreed to your "paranoid" demand and promptly rekindles her friendship AFTER you were married. So she followed your request, got married and then did what she wanted. It's funny too because if I were to mention "bait and switch" some people would lose their minds.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Many opposite sex friendships have some level of attraction going on. Whether they are the type of people to act on it is another question.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Let me guess, 99% of the women who respond to this will say there's nothing wrong with it. 99% of the men will say hell no, I don't want my wife chatting up other dudes. Being a man myself I'll add hell no, I don't want my wife chatting up other dudes. Why the difference in responses by sex? Because as men we know men and we know this friend of hers wants to F her brains out and is just biding his time until you guys get in a fight or whatever. That's exactly what he's doing. Women rarely see through stuff like that. "Oh, it's not like that, he's just a friend". My wife is one of those rare women who sees through the male "friends" bull**** which is why I love that woman with all my heart.


Not sure that is the case, some men on this forum are fine about opposite sex close friends and many women like me have strong boundaries with the opposite sex.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

You have standards for your wife and there is nothing wrong with that. She knew before she said I do that you did not want for her to be friends with this specific man who had feelings for her. She went along with your standards back then and married you, that was her choice. Now she has gone behind your back and rekindled that specific friendship that is forbidden in your relationship. You have every right to be upset and demand it end now.
Why doesn’t she have female friends or other male friends, why is this guy so dang important after all you have been through and knowing it hurts you? What man do you has feelings for a woman and just wants to be friends with her? It’s bull.

She is you wife. You have another man interfering with your marriage. Call him and let him know he needs to stop calling and interfering with your marriage, man to man. If he doesn’t then call his girlfriend and tell her that you have told him to stop contact with your wife and he will not. Does she even know her boyfriend is spending time talking with an old friend he once had feelings for? 
Your wife is acting selfish and immmature. Be the adult and take charge of the situation and right the ship. Sometimes one spouse acts like a teenager and they need to be treated like one. 
It sounds like she doesn’t respect you right now. Show her you mean business, show her some anger, show her some balls and put this fire out swiftly. What you do now early on in your marriage will set the record for how you will react to BS in the future. She needs to have some fear of doing wrong by you. 
I have been married nearly 18 years, I know what my boundaries are because I have pushed them and my wife pushed back hard. I have learned my lessons from past mistakes, my wife has learned her lessons from past mistakes as well. Luckily nothing to do with other people, but general marriage boundaries and our standards for behavior.
This is you boundary. She crossed it knowing the boundary. What are the consequences? Fix it. 
Good luck.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

One more thing, OP, when she falls into victim mode and pours guilt and shame on you for the predicament she put herself in she is manipulating you.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Let her talk to her friend. The line she shouldn't cross is physical intimacy. Until then, yes, you're overreacting.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

No, you didn't overreact. 

Did she know her BFF before, after or equal to the amount of time as you?
Did you bar her from any male friends or just the flirty one who had feelings?


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I have a seriously beautiful daughter who has had a very handsome male friend since she was 3 years old. They are each others confidant -they discuss their relationships with each other...they compete academically with each other...they never like each others bf, gf. They have been at the same university togeher for 3 years and recently (although my daughter has a bf) my daughter and her male bf tried to work it out so she could move in to his condo with him and his buddies but it wasnt possible logistically.

They both say despite their close and long lasting friendship and their recognition that each other sees that the other is very attractive- neither has any sexual feeling for the other. His parents, my H and I, both sets of grandparents cant believe it. At their high school graduation- where they both took other dates- they humoured his grandmother by posing for photos together (a little awkward for their dates)..... before my dad died he pondered on what he would be missing in his life- he said hes pretty sure they will marry others , divorce and reunite realizing they have been each others soul mate all along. they see each other as the chubby junior kindergarteners that became friends based on recognizing that the other was very kind. They both say it is a brother sister relationship that would feel incestuous if they were to hook up....

Just a story- who knows.
I wouldnt like it if i were in your position. I would be worried that the intimacy afforded by the long term relationship could interfere with your closeness. Not that it would turn physical necessarily but it could still seriously detract from your own partnership and intimacy,


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