# Why is it so hard for me to move the f... on?



## oedriveron (Jan 5, 2011)

I've been divorced for almost 2 months, since December 10, 2010 and I have gotten rid of everything that could trigger any memories. Threw away all pictures, letters, emails, gifts, phone number, and stopped communication. I changed all my email addresses, moved to a new apartment, and might even start working for a different company. I even avoid the roads that we used to take together when we drove around, and we don't even really have any friends in common. Also I have been more involved with my friends and my family. I have started exercising, working on cars which has always been my hobby/therapy, and doing as much as possible on a daily basis to keep as busy as humanly possible.

But I still feel this deep pain within me that honestly feels like something is crushing my chest. As the days pass by, this pain, which comes in the form of a cold, stabbing chill, grows more and more. I cannot stop thinking about her. I cannot stop wanting to touch her, to hug her real hard, kiss her and tell her all the beautiful feelings she inspired once. My eyes get watery for no reason at any given moment. I become easily irritated by others and let's not even get started on the subject of seeing other women, they do not interest me one bit! I have a really hard time having fun, being fun or even wanting to. And even though she dealt me a really nasty hand and I have a lot of resentment I cannot stop missing her. What the hell am I doing wrong? Is this normal? Why am I so damn weak? I'm fed up with all this crap but I still cannot find the strength to make a final stand for myself and finally move on.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I don't know some great answer, but I can offer kinship. I'm almost done with our divorce - we have been in the throws of it since September. I had to have him court ordered to leave the house. I am in the documentation process for a stalker order... And, I still have that void in my heart. There are times it literally hurts. 

Don't get me wrong - I *in no way* want to go back to the relationship. We even tried having a fling together while we were separated. Total fiasco. However, I'm scared to trust anyone new. I am totally depressed about me, the idea of a relationship, what the kids perceive. All of it. 

I think it's normal. I know depression is a stage of grieving, and you (and I) are grieving a relationship. This is good! We're not in denial. We are done bargaining. Done with anger... Moving on to rock solid depression. Someday will come acceptance.

You can do it. I know I can do it. Time heals. All the other stuff you're doing - I'm doing, too. Still a bit of half-stuff packing, but almost done.


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

I ask myself the same question regularly. I've thrown everything of hers out, I've developed a strict workout regimen, I've met and become close (without being intimate) 2 other women. And yet, there she is, in my thoughts. She lives in my mind rent-free. If I could have everything back the way it was, I would. If I could only remove the OM from the picture, I know we'd still be together. Our problems were relatively easy to work out, with a little effort. BUT. Those things aren't possible. I have to constantly remind myself. She's never coming back, ever. And then it hurts even more.

You're not doing anything wrong. You're actually doing everything right. It's just still too fresh. Us guys want to be able to flick the switch, so that the brick in your stomach disappears and the you can find the old you again. It doesn't work that way. It's a very very slow and gradual process. It starts with not thinking about her for 2 minutes in a row.... then eventually 5 minutes in a row... 

I've been at it about the same length of time you have, and I can probably sometimes go 10 or 15 minutes without thinking about her. But that's it. And sometimes that makes the hole look so deep and so black that I'll never get out. But 2 months ago, I couldn't *not* think about her. Every moment of every day was dominated by the betrayal and the abandonment. 

You're doing everything right, the only thing you're missing now, is a lot of time. I feel for you!


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I honestly think some people form stronger physical, emotional, and spiritual bonds than others oedriveron. I could tell you my experience, but it would be completely useless to you; as it is simply that...my experience. 

For the record, I don't believe "you are doing anything wrong". You're just being you. I wouldn't try to deaden or damage that ability to form a strong bond with another human being through substance or sex; even though it's not serving you particularly well at the moment. 

There will come a time when you've sufficiently healed, that'll you'll be infinitely glad you've left that ability intact. Until then, grieve for a wonderful relationship that once was, and simply continue to work on "getting her out of your system". It's a process.

LIL


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

It's a process, not an event.

You got divorced, that has NOTHING to do with the emotional attachment.

Two months is a VERY short time to expect recovery.
At a MINIMUM, expect seeing growth after the first year.
Hell, you need to get thru all the holidays and seasons ALONE.
Then, next time around you will know how to handle it.

Be patient, the healing coming in time.

Meanwhile, be good to yourself, and foster a healing path.

Set tangible goals, get out, reconnect, exercise, volunteer, take a course, join a club etc.


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## oedriveron (Jan 5, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your reply.

Coming in here and sharing my story and also reading others' stories makes the pain lessen and lets me know that I'm not alone, there are others going or that have gone through the same crappy experience.

I wish the best of luck to all of us.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

totally get your situation.....trying so hard but doesn't seem to get easier....teary eyes at any moment......painful feeling inside your chest......

it all sounds totally familiar to me, I think you are doing well, don't be so hard on yourself. That's one thing I'm trying to get in my head: just be kind to yourself, don't expect too much, don't pressure yourself, don't get in a tis about 'not getting better' fast enough in your own eyes....your ARE going to get better, at your own pace, in your own time. Have patience with yourself.


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## oedriveron (Jan 5, 2011)

February... dreading that 14th


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

oedriveron said:


> February... dreading that 14th



February 3 is the day I am dreading, 15 year mark


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

oeewww, don't even talk about the 14th yet.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s a grieving process. It really helped me when I looked it up and understood it for what it is. We grieve not only the past memories but also our visions and dreams of the future, which of course are no longer valid.

To help stop my ruminating it helped me big time to build and envision my new future. That got my thoughts and activities into the future and gradually they’re replacing my thoughts of the past and what might have been.

I still have friends who think I can just throw a switch and move on. But it’s not like that.

Bob


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

hopemom said:


> oeewww, don't even talk about the 14th yet.


I might send the wife a facebook card.


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

Crankshaw-I hope you do something nice for yourself today. Each day is a work in progress for me, not sure how it is going to go, but I have a plan and do my best to stick to that plan. I am eating better, exercising and reading. I visit my Mom, call friends and my house is really clean! Just getting through for now, but I am doing it and you can too.


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## oedriveron (Jan 5, 2011)

Is this normal?

I've been divorced since December 10, 2010 and even though I have really strong feelings for my ex-wife, in my head I know I have to move on, do away with everything, and completely erase her because she's a bad choice. My heart fails to understand this but I'm hoping time will make sure it gets it. I have gotten rid of EVERYTHING. From pictures to emails to the smallest of things that we might have shared at any moment. Now all that is left to battle with is my feelings, the memories, and whatever else goes on in my head. 

But at times I get this flashbacks of anger where I literary become enraged with all the crap I took from her, the cheating, the lying, the betrayals, etc... And knowing the fact that I never once took advantage of any of the chances I had to really screw her life up makes things worst. Like one time she was stalking me and went inside the building where I work using false identification. I could have called security, but I didn't do it because I knew they would have arrested her on trespassing charges, which are a big deal here in Texas and I'm sure everywhere else in the states. Later on she didn't hesitate one bit to put a protective order on me. But oh well, live and learn. 

Are these anger flashbacks normal? Again, I ask, what am I doing wrong? Why do I keep getting these flashbacks? Is it normal that I'm okay for a couple of days of the week but then I get really angry? How the hell can I make my feelings understand that this stupid ***** is not the right choice for anyone? Why the hell am I being so weak about all this and not finding the strength to move on?

I'm having one of those moments, sorry everyone.


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