# Old Pictures...



## hubbyintrubby

Found another cache of a bunch of old family pictures and am not doing well. Every bone in my body wants me to reach out to my ex-wife, the mother of my children and tell her the way I've been feeling. I know how hard that would be for her so I refuse to do that. I still cannot let the past go. I see a therapist, I work on myself, I do the things I'm supposed to do, and yet it takes so little to get me backsliding again. I just want her to know how big of a mistake I made and that if I could go back in time and change my actions and what I did, I would do it in a heartbeat at just about any cost. Sinking in memories of the past.


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## Lila

hubbyintrubby said:


> Found another cache of a bunch of old family pictures and am not doing well. Every bone in my body wants me to reach out to my ex-wife, the mother of my children and tell her the way I've been feeling. I know how hard that would be for her so I refuse to do that. I still cannot let the past go. I see a therapist, I work on myself, I do the things I'm supposed to do, and yet it takes so little to get me backsliding again. I just want her to know how big of a mistake I made and that if I could go back in time and change my actions and what I did, I would do it in a heartbeat at just about any cost. Sinking in memories of the past.


@hubbyintrubby I can't say anything to provide you with support but I can give you some advice. PLEASE do not reach out to your ex-wife to talk about your feelings. This is your cross to bear.

I think you need to ask yourself are your feelings due to regret or remorse?









Regret vs. Remorse


Only remorse leads to a real apology and change.




www.psychologytoday.com


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## Marduk

hubbyintrubby said:


> Found another cache of a bunch of old family pictures and am not doing well. Every bone in my body wants me to reach out to my ex-wife, the mother of my children and tell her the way I've been feeling. I know how hard that would be for her so I refuse to do that. I still cannot let the past go. I see a therapist, I work on myself, I do the things I'm supposed to do, and yet it takes so little to get me backsliding again. I just want her to know how big of a mistake I made and that if I could go back in time and change my actions and what I did, I would do it in a heartbeat at just about any cost. Sinking in memories of the past.


Allow the memories and the feelings to happen. Just stand in the middle of all of that and be in the moment with it. Eventually, your feelings will subside again, and you'll feel a bit better. 

Keep doing that, and over time you'll see things more objectively, and there will still be pain but it will be more and more manageable. 

Reaching out to your wife will undo all that. She'll either not respond empathetically, which will make you feel worse, or she will respond nicely which will make you pine for the past more. Either way, you lose if you reach out to her. And then you'll have to start all over again.

Call a buddy or post here instead.


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## hubbyintrubby

Lila said:


> @hubbyintrubby I can't say anything to provide you with support but I can give you some advice. PLEASE do not reach out to your ex-wife to talk about your feelings. This is your cross to bear.
> 
> I think you need to ask yourself are your feelings due to regret or remorse?


Even in my weakest moments, I know not to reach out to her. She has a good life, she is happy. She has a boyfriend living with her now and he is good to my children, they talk about him in a very positive light and I am over the moon happy for her, truly. 

I'd say over time, doing the work, I am truly remorseful of my actions. I do regret the way it all turned out, but I think the remorse overtakes that and that helped a change in me to come about.


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## hubbyintrubby

Marduk said:


> Allow the memories and the feelings to happen. Just stand in the middle of all of that and be in the moment with it. Eventually, your feelings will subside again, and you'll feel a bit better.
> 
> Keep doing that, and over time you'll see things more objectively, and there will still be pain but it will be more and more manageable.
> 
> Reaching out to your wife will undo all that. She'll either not respond empathetically, which will make you feel worse, or she will respond nicely which will make you pine for the past more. Either way, you lose if you reach out to her. And then you'll have to start all over again.
> 
> Call a buddy or post here instead.


They do come and go regularly. It is good for me to post here to get it out. I don't have too many folks I can talk to IRL about this stuff. 

Maybe there will come a day in the future where it'd be good to have a conversation with her letting her know about the feelings, but that isn't now and it isn't anytime soon. I don't want to ruin anything more than I already have for her. Or maybe there won't be.


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## Marc878

Time and as limited contact with the x as possible. There is no magic or quick fix.

It would be to your advantage to purge the x from your surroundings. Pics, memorabilia, etc.


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## Lila

hubbyintrubby said:


> Even in my weakest moments, I know not to reach out to her. She has a good life, she is happy. She has a boyfriend living with her now and he is good to my children, they talk about him in a very positive light and I am over the moon happy for her, truly.
> 
> I'd say over time, doing the work, I am truly remorseful of my actions. I do regret the way it all turned out, but I think the remorse overtakes that and that helped a change in me to come about.


Could it be that you are experiencing these feelings now because your new marriage is not great and your ex-wife's life is seemingly good?


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## hubbyintrubby

Lila said:


> Could it be that you are experiencing these feelings now because your new marriage is not great and your ex-wife's life is seemingly good?


Maybe. She's a different person now. I'm a different person now. My current marriage is, in all reality, over with and from what I know and hear, her current relationship is flourishing. More than anything, I'm happy for her. She seems more "herself" than maybe she ever had been. Maybe it's all a show, but my gut tells me it's not.


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## Lila

hubbyintrubby said:


> Maybe. She's a different person now. I'm a different person now. My current marriage is, in all reality, over with and from what I know and hear, her current relationship is flourishing. More than anything, I'm happy for her. She seems more "herself" than maybe she ever had been. Maybe it's all a show, but my gut tells me it's not.


Here's one of the secrets to finding happiness... stop comparing your life to hers. It's like comparing yourself to the Joneses. The minute you stop doing it, you start treasuring the things you have.


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## hubbyintrubby

Lila said:


> Here's one of the secrets to finding happiness... stop comparing your life to hers. It's like comparing yourself to the Joneses. The minute you stop doing it, you start treasuring the things you have.


When I think about it with the logical side of my brain, I don't think I compare our lives too much. I see it very much as 2 sides of a coin. I made my choices and forced her to live with my choices and the outcomes that came about. She never wanted a divorce, she never wanted me out of the house. She was crystal clear about that, always was. I am the reason she is where she is now and is living the life she is now, and I am doing the same. I have good and I know that, I'm just currently attached to someone I don't like very much and have very little respect for.


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## Affaircare

@hubbyintrubby ,

My hubby who passed away in Sept. 2017 had an e-W who was young and dumb, cheated on him, grew from it, and changed for the better. His second exW was older, had a ton of baggage, cheated on him, refused to ever admit it to herself or to others, never grew, never changed, and is still a fake person. I was his third (and last) wife, and we were able to be civil friends with the first exW because even though she made a mistake and hurt him, she changed and became a better person...she lived differently and was a good person. We were not able to be civil friends wih the second exW because to this day she is focused on self, won't admit she made a mistake, and continues to do hurtful things to anyone who disagrees with her. 

My point to you, though, is that life IS change. If he had waited around for his first exW to do her changing and growing, it is within the realm of possibility that they would have gotten along okay and been able to co-parent in almost a friendly manner. But HE grew and changed...and SHE grew and changed...and life CHANGED. His second exW chose not to change (more like stubbornly refused) but he grew and changed, and life CHANGED. Then along came me 

As long as you keep looking back, your mind and your heart will be back there, in the past, and you will miss the present and you will become a person who clings to the past so tightly that as life changes, you will be stuck in the past. I know part of you doesn't want life to change, but you know what? IT DOES. Every single day life is a mixture of joy and sorrow. I am in a period of some joy right now with my new Beloved Hubby, but that doesn't mean there isn't sorrow. I sorrow for some people whom I loved who are gone; I sorrow for some people whom I love who are going; I sorrow for some people whom I will love whom I know I will hurt just because I make mistakes! The sun rises. Birds sing. Grass and flowers grow. But the sun also sets. The birds will all pass. And the grass and flowers will wither. LIFE is always both joy and sorrow, and it is ALWAYS changing.


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## hubbyintrubby

Affaircare said:


> @hubbyintrubby ,
> 
> My hubby who passed away in Sept. 2017 had an e-W who was young and dumb, cheated on him, grew from it, and changed for the better. His second exW was older, had a ton of baggage, cheated on him, refused to ever admit it to herself or to others, never grew, never changed, and is still a fake person. I was his third (and last) wife, and we were able to be civil friends with the first exW because even though she made a mistake and hurt him, she changed and became a better person...she lived differently and was a good person. We were not able to be civil friends wih the second exW because to this day she is focused on self, won't admit she made a mistake, and continues to do hurtful things to anyone who disagrees with her.
> 
> My point to you, though, is that life IS change. If he had waited around for his first exW to do her changing and growing, it is within the realm of possibility that they would have gotten along okay and been able to co-parent in almost a friendly manner. But HE grew and changed...and SHE grew and changed...and life CHANGED. His second exW chose not to change (more like stubbornly refused) but he grew and changed, and life CHANGED. Then along came me
> 
> As long as you keep looking back, your mind and your heart will be back there, in the past, and you will miss the present and you will become a person who clings to the past so tightly that as life changes, you will be stuck in the past. I know part of you doesn't want life to change, but you know what? IT DOES. Every single day life is a mixture of joy and sorrow. I am in a period of some joy right now with my new Beloved Hubby, but that doesn't mean there isn't sorrow. I sorrow for some people whom I loved who are gone; I sorrow for some people whom I love who are going; I sorrow for some people whom I will love whom I know I will hurt just because I make mistakes! The sun rises. Birds sing. Grass and flowers grow. But the sun also sets. The birds will all pass. And the grass and flowers will wither. LIFE is always both joy and sorrow, and it is ALWAYS changing.


Honestly @Affaircare you have some of the best advice out there. I know it's a waste of time and mental energy and resources to keep my head looking over my should to what was and could have been as opposed to what is and can be. I just need to let myself mourn through some of these feelings and have faith and I can pop out on the other side a healthier person.


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## Openminded

What I do — and obviously this doesn’t work for everyone — is refuse to rethink my decisions once I’ve made them. When they pop up (and they do) I tell myself that's what I chose to do at the time and I’ll live with it. I don’t ever allow myself to have regrets.


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## hubbyintrubby

Openminded said:


> What I do — and obviously this doesn’t work for everyone — is refuse to rethink my decisions once I’ve made them. When they pop up (and they do) I tell myself that's what I chose to do at the time and I’ll live with it. I don’t ever allow myself to have regrets.


I would love to do that! That sounds like an amazing skill, to be honest. I have problems with anxiety and feel like that probably figures into my problems with regretting decisions made.


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## Openminded

Well, I think it probably helps in that regard to be an extreme black/white thinker. That drives my family crazy but it’s who I am. I very rarely change my mind and that’s not always a good thing.


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## ReformedHubby

I don't really know your whole story, but I am guessing you cheated and it led to the end of your marriage, and now that many of us have idle time on our hands our mind "goes there" with these thoughts. Well welcome to the club. Those thoughts do flood back when a song or a pic reminds me of the past. I was a serial cheater, and my wife and I went back and forth for YEARS on if we should reconcile or not. We tried but ultimately it was an easier path to divorce. I struggled because its not like we hated each other, and to make matters worse deep down I know that the man I am today could definitely make it work. But....too much has happened. The kids are happy, and she is also well adjusted and seems to be happy, and we are getting along really well as co-parents. If I were to pick up the phone right now and call her and say I wanted to try again, it would screw all of that up, and throw everyones life into chaos. I think it would be a selfish thing to do, because I know it wouldn't last. 

I am going to go out on a limb here and make the assumption that you are painting a rosier picture of a return to that life than it actually would be, and that going back wouldn't make you happy. Please don't mess with their emotions. I listened to those voices in my head telling me to do it for the kids and when I had my second shot, I realized it wasn't even what I wanted. This hurt my ex even worse and rightfully made her even more upset at me for months. That voice in your head will always have a soft spot for the mother of your children, but I'd advise that you don't listen to it. Move forward with your life, those thoughts won't ever fade completely though.


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## ClairesDad

Went through a box of old photos recently my ex wife had given me years ago. Pics of us and our kids through the years. At the bottom were the proofs of our wedding from almost 30 years ago. Seeing the pics and realizing she didn't even want them hit me a little hard. She caused the divorce, but our marriage wasn't all bad. I'm remarried and my wife is a much better person, but I do think about my first wife sometimes.


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## hubbyintrubby

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't really know your whole story, but I am guessing you cheated and it led to the end of your marriage, and now that many of us have idle time on our hands our mind "goes there" with these thoughts. Well welcome to the club. Those thoughts do flood back when a song or a pic reminds me of the past. I was a serial cheater, and my wife and I went back and forth for YEARS on if we should reconcile or not. We tried but ultimately it was an easier path to divorce. I struggled because its not like we hated each other, and to make matters worse deep down I know that the man I am today could definitely make it work. But....too much has happened. The kids are happy, and she is also well adjusted and seems to be happy, and we are getting along really well as co-parents. If I were to pick up the phone right now and call her and say I wanted to try again, it would screw all of that up, and throw everyones life into chaos. I think it would be a selfish thing to do, because I know it wouldn't last.
> 
> I am going to go out on a limb here and make the assumption that you are painting a rosier picture of a return to that life than it actually would be, and that going back wouldn't make you happy. Please don't mess with their emotions. I listened to those voices in my head telling me to do it for the kids and when I had my second shot, I realized it wasn't even what I wanted. This hurt my ex even worse and rightfully made her even more upset at me for months. That voice in your head will always have a soft spot for the mother of your children, but I'd advise that you don't listen to it. Move forward with your life, those thoughts won't ever fade completely though.


I did cheat, yes, and me staying with the OW is what brought my marriage down. My mind has been "going there" pretty much since shortly after I left. I don't ever plan on letting her know what I'm thinking and feeling these days. She doesn't need that in her life and you're right, I think it would be a selfish thing to do as well. I'm assuming I also paint a more than rosy picture of the past we shared together and what a reunion would look like. I think that's pretty common when things like this go down. In the end, you're probably right to say that it's not even something I'd want when the day was said and over with. This feel mostly like a 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of a thing and I'm just in a 1 step back place right now.


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## Marduk

hubbyintrubby said:


> I did cheat, yes, and me staying with the OW is what brought my marriage down.


If you're comfortable, I'd love hearing more about that.


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## jlg07

So, since you are feeling so bad, perhaps a heart-felt letter to your exW explaining that you now understand what you did and how hurtful it was to her and APOLOGIZE. NOT trying to get back with her, but let her know.
Many BS's would love to get that "sorry I ****ed up and it was all my fault" from the wayward.


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## hubbyintrubby

jlg07 said:


> So, since you are feeling so bad, perhaps a heart-felt letter to your exW explaining that you now understand what you did and how hurtful it was to her and APOLOGIZE. NOT trying to get back with her, but let her know.
> Many BS's would love to get that "sorry I ****ed up and it was all my fault" from the wayward.


I'm afraid it would open more wounds than it would help. I really do.


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## hubbyintrubby

Marduk said:


> If you're comfortable, I'd love hearing more about that.


I made a stupid decision and chose my AP over my wife. It's the one thing I have a hard time getting over and forgiving myself for. Some days it makes me physically sick to think about. I just walked away.


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## TJW

jlg07 said:


> Many BS's would love to get that "sorry I ****ed up and it was all my fault" from the wayward.


Yes, my XWs marriage could have been saved by it. Ownership of her actions, instead of blaming them on me. Fat chance..... 



hubbyintrubby said:


> I made a stupid decision and chose my AP over my wife. It's the one thing I have a hard time getting over and forgiving myself for.


The hard time "forgiving yourself" is understandable. Personally, I don't believe we can do it. We have no authority to do it. That's where the apology comes in. The person we wronged can forgive us. It is their pain and suffering that we caused. They have the authority.


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## ReformedHubby

jlg07 said:


> So, since you are feeling so bad, perhaps a heart-felt letter to your exW explaining that you now understand what you did and how hurtful it was to her and APOLOGIZE. NOT trying to get back with her, but let her know.
> Many BS's would love to get that "sorry I ****ed up and it was all my fault" from the wayward.


Really, and I mean really bad idea. His situation sounds an awful lot like mine, when you devastate someone. All you do with something like that is reopen old wounds, in fact I'm about 99 perecent sure he has done this. He needs to just let it go. Doing something like this might make him feel better, but would mess with her head, and not in a good way. It would give her a case of the "wonder ifs" too and that is just cruel, because she probably has them already as well.


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## ReformedHubby

TJW said:


> Yes, my XWs marriage could have been saved by it. Ownership of her actions, instead of blaming them on me. Fat
> The hard time "forgiving yourself" is understandable.* Personally, I don't believe we can do it. * We have no authority to do it. That's where the apology comes in. The person we wronged can forgive us. It is their pain and suffering that we caused. They have the authority.


This is very doable, it took me roughly three and a half years to get there but I did it. I had no other choice, it was either let go of the guilt or drop dead or off myself before the age of 45, if you're not careful it will consume you. While I understand most feel like this is the life a wayward deserves I disagree. Those that care about including your kids don't want that for you.


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## hubbyintrubby

ReformedHubby said:


> Really, and I mean really bad idea. His situation sounds an awful lot like mine, when you devastate someone. All you do with something like that is reopen old wounds, in fact I'm about 99 perecent sure he has done this. He needs to just let it go. Doing something like this might make him feel better, but would mess with her head, and not in a good way. It would give her a case of the "wonder ifs" too and that is just cruel, because she probably has them already as well.


I've written probably a dozen letters to her letting her know how I feel that have burned in the backyard firepit. I've even written one here a few months ago. She doesn't deserve to keep having her heart ripped open just to bleed and put herself back together again.


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## Marduk

If my ex wife sent me an apology letter, I'd think she was just trying to absolve herself of any guilt and not that she was trying to _actually_ apologize. Even if she intended it on being unselfish, I just cannot see her in any other way now.

It's too late for apologies. It's too late to make it right. The best thing she can possibly do in my life now is just be absent. And she is, and I'm satisfied with that.


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## hubbyintrubby

Marduk said:


> If my ex wife sent me an apology letter, I'd think she was just trying to absolve herself of any guilt and not that she was trying to _actually_ apologize. Even if she intended it on being unselfish, I just cannot see her in any other way now.
> 
> It's too late for apologies. It's too late to make it right. The best thing she can possibly do in my life now is just be absent. And she is, and I'm satisfied with that.


Fully agree.


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## ReformedHubby

hubbyintrubby said:


> I made a stupid decision and chose my AP over my wife. It's the one thing I have a hard time getting over and forgiving myself for. Some days it makes me physically sick to think about. I just walked away.


Yep, this was a stupid decision. But hey, you're not alone there either. Are you noticing a pattern with me here. I did this too. I decided when my marriage ended I would just start dating one of my former mistresses. It was easiar then going out and/or dating. I am not going to pull any punches here and I don't care whom it offends. Never, and I mean NEVER promote a mistress to girlfriend or wife. It completely changes the relationship dynamic. So much of the "love" they have for you is because you're unobtainable. You were a "prize". The minute they have you all to themselves you'll see that your ex-wife actually treated you better, and this will only add to your regret. You'll literally find yourself looking at your new lady and be thinking to yourself. Why the **** am I even here? In my case she was as narcissistic as she was beautiful so I sent her packing, but only after trying to reason with her for a few months (had never dated a narcissist, now I KNOW better), having someone like her in life only drained me more. She was angry because it was obvious to her that I now saw that wasn't one tenth the woman my wife was. I told her as much the night I dumped her and couldn't have cared less when she was crying her eyes out storming out of my place. As far as I was concerned I was bait and switched, and I've read enough TAM to know the longer you stay the more time you're wasting.

With that said, its not all gloom and doom. There is someone out there for you my friend, just not your ex-wife, and probably not your current one either if you're unhappy. As for me and you that ship with our ex-wives on it has sailed, best we cheer them on and support them in every way we can, but nothing beyond that. Once I started dating "normal" people I realized that there were some pretty cool people out there, and the woman I am dating now has been so supportive, and even understands that fleeting moments of guilt about my past don't mean that i love her any less. She also is a fan of my ex-wife, and my ex-wife approves of her too which has completely removed major drama from my life when it comes to relationship stuff. I don't know your story with your former AP, but I can tell you that most of us that find happiness got there by dumping our side chick and moving on instead of wifing them. Its hard to start something good based on the pain of others, maybe its karma or whatever you believe in. Something for you consider....I am not so sure you've had enough time alone to process things. Maybe you need a break from all of it...it did wonders for me. That coupled with a fresh start, someone who has no attachment to the demise of your previous relationship. I couldn't take it when I was with that woman. It was like I was sleeping next to the enemy. I rarely share this deeply on here, I hope you can use it. If not that's cool too.


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## hubbyintrubby

ReformedHubby said:


> Yep, this was a stupid decision. But hey, you're not alone there either. Are you noticing a pattern with me here. I did this too. I decided when my marriage ended I would just start dating one of my former mistresses. It was easiar then going out and/or dating. I am not going to pull any punches here and I don't care whom it offends. Never, and I mean NEVER promote a mistress to girlfriend or wife. It completely changes the relationship dynamic. So much of the "love" they have for you is because you're unobtainable. You were a "prize". The minute they have you all to themselves you'll see that your ex-wife actually treated you better, and this will only add to your regret. You'll literally find yourself looking at your new lady and be thinking to yourself. Why the **** am I even here? In my case she was as narcissistic as she was beautiful so I sent her packing, but only after trying to reason with her for a few months (had never dated a narcissist, now I KNOW better), having someone like her in life only drained me more. She was angry because it was obvious to her that I now saw that wasn't one tenth the woman my wife was. I told her as much the night I dumped her and couldn't have cared less when she was crying her eyes out storming out of my place. As far as I was concerned I was bait and switched, and I've read enough TAM to know the longer you stay the more time you're wasting.
> 
> With that said, its not all gloom and doom. There is someone out there for you my friend, just not your ex-wife, and probably not your current one either if you're unhappy. As for me and you that ship with our ex-wives on it has sailed, best we cheer them on and support them in every way we can, but nothing beyond that. Once I started dating "normal" people I realized that there were some pretty cool people out there, and the woman I am dating now has been so supportive, and even understands that fleeting moments of guilt about my past don't mean that i love her any less. She also is a fan of my ex-wife, and my ex-wife approves of her too which has completely removed major drama from my life when it comes to relationship stuff. I don't know your story with your former AP, but I can tell you that most of us that find happiness got there by dumping our side chick and moving on instead of wifing them. Its hard to start something good based on the pain of others, maybe its karma or whatever you believe in. Something for you consider....I am not so sure you've had enough time alone to process things. Maybe you need a break from all of it...it did wonders for me. That coupled with a fresh start, someone who has no attachment to the demise of your previous relationship. I couldn't take it when I was with that woman. It was like I was sleeping next to the enemy. I rarely share this deeply on here, I hope you can use it. If not that's cool too.


I absolutely can use this. I've had most of the same feelings and thoughts you're sharing with me and actually could never put my finger on what was going through my head until I just read that you felt like you were sleeping next to the enemy. That hit home like crazy, to be honest. We are currently in the middle of a same home separation and it's because of all these feelings and thoughts. I don't need a break, I just need it to be over with...that fresh start.


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## hubbyintrubby

Tomorrow would be my 17th wedding anniversary.


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