# Should i stay or should i go



## boatguy101 (Jan 29, 2021)

Hi im new to this but here it goes. My wife have been together for 22 years married for 18 no kids. we argue all the time now. I took her on a trip to florida i was hoping to rekindle some romance but that didnt happen. We argied the whole time while i had to listen to her complain that the room wasnt good enough that we had to walk, and how far we walked which wasnt far but still she complained.

At christmas she came to me and said she broke her phone n needd a new one so while i was out hanging with my one and only friend i went shopping n bought her a new phone w case n glass. when i brought it to her she was pissed she told me she didnt want that one even though its better than what i have and cost me 700 bucks.

I feel we dont have the same lives anymore i feel like im always having to hold back at life. I have totally disconnected from her n told her i want a break so she dicided she would move into the spare bedroom but every time i come home i find myself not wanting to be there or not wanting her to be there.

We have always had a really good marriage but lately ive been thinking what would life be like without her or to have to life single again.i feel bad for that but i am tires of holding back my feelings.

Last night we had a big arguement she begged me not to leave her but i dont see us or me being happy anymore. she just complains about everything will not meet new people tells me she has her friends 

This summer i bought a ski boat thinking this would give us something we both like being that her parents live at the lake and she always wants to be by the water and basically loves her parents boat As soon as i took her out on it she complained its not big enough its to scary just gave me **** right from the get go and will not go out on it anymore 

I dont know if im just being a bad husband for thinking this or if i should change my life theres so much more but only so much i want to type


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## AmericanMama (Feb 11, 2021)

I hope the best for you and your lifes situations. It's never gonna be easy to let go of what's been your life for 22yrs. But somewhere threw out those 22yrs someone began to let go slowly, maybe without knowledge of it. It's gonna hurt and there will be days you might kick yourself but after that day passed and your smiling cuz your life is so much better. Getting a little bit stronger
.. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU ALLOW YOURSELF. THERE'S ONLY 1LIFE TO LIVE CHOOSE TO LIVE IT HAPPY
GOOD LUCK🙏💪

SINCERELY
AMERICANMAMA🇺🇸


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## AlexNillson89 (Feb 11, 2021)

I don't want to tell you what to do, I just want you to know that you have one life and it would not be cool at all to come to your home with the feeling that you have now, but it will not be easy, but it seems to me that it is better to be alone than be unhappy


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What I see is you making unilateral decisions that affect her. Why didn't you ask her what kind of phone she wanted? Why didn't you take her with you to pick out the boat?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> What I see is you making unilateral decisions that affect her. Why didn't you ask her what kind of phone she wanted? Why didn't you take her with you to pick out the boat?


That was my first thought, too.

Picking out a new phone is not only fun (unless you are a person with endless $$ and get a new phone so regularly it's a commonplace event), but it's personal as to what you want and need. I'd be really upset if my spouse unilaterally chose me new phone for me.

And the boat.... That's a big ticket item, and you bought it with no input from your wife?

I've got to ask, WHY??


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

FFS, this guy goes out and buys a gift for his wife and people gotta complain about it. I wouldn't take my wife to buy a boat, she doesn't know the first thing about it. 

To the OP, no kids? hit the effing door NOW. Imagine dating someone that actually respects you. That actually likes you. My exw, threw a fit when I told her I was buying a motorcycle. I did it anyways, she INSISTED she go with every time I rode it and she was home. But she *****ed the entire time. I kept the bike and got rid of the wife. Best decision ever, my new wife lives to ride. Find one that respects you and is grateful.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sbrown said:


> I wouldn't take my wife to buy a boat, she doesn't know the first thing about it.


That's not necessarily true... evidently her parents had a boat, she may know more about it than you assume. My mother had boats when she was younger....she knows a lot about boats.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sbrown said:


> FFS, this guy goes out and buys a gift for his wife and people gotta complain about it. I wouldn't take my wife to buy a boat, she doesn't know the first thing about it.
> 
> To the OP, no kids? hit the effing door NOW. Imagine dating someone that actually respects you. That actually likes you. My exw, threw a fit when I told her I was buying a motorcycle. I did it anyways, she INSISTED she go with every time I rode it and she was home. But she *****ed the entire time. I kept the bike and got rid of the wife. Best decision ever, my new wife lives to ride. Find one that respects you and is grateful.


He got her a phone she doesn't want. I'm an adult, I want to pick out my own phone, too. 

She's into boating. She says the one he got is so small she's scared to go out in it. A boat is a big purchase. 

So, what's your deal? As long as it's a "gift" it's okay to purchase big ticket and personal items without any input from your partner?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, your marriage does sound miserable, and your wife sounds pretty negative. But, you are also contributing to your marital dynamic. You can change yourself, but only your wife can change herself. 

If you aren't sure you want to leave, then maybe try devoting a fixed amount of time - say, 3-6 months or even a year - to really doing some hard work on improving the marriage. 

I suggest you start with some reading. I recommend "Lovebusters" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Willard Harley. Start with "Lovebusters." Read it looking not for what your wife is doing to love-bust you, but for what _you_ might be doing to love-bust _her_. Do the work suggested in the book, then move on to "HN,HN" and do the work suggested in that one as well. Clean up your own side of the street so you will be different, and thus the marital dynamic will be different. You can then ask your wife to join you in reading the books and doing the work to improve your marriage, so that it's a relationship that works for _both_ of you. 

If don't see any improvement in the marital dynamic after making sustained changes in your own behavior, or your wife just isn't willing to work on the marriage, then it's probably time to call it quits and work on an amicable split. But start with reading and working on yourself because you are the only one you have the power to change, and that work will make you a better partner - in this relationship or another one down the line. If that all seems like too much effort or you aren't interested in truly doing the work on improving the marriage, then - again - it's time to call it quits and work on an amicable split.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why can't she buy her own phone? Don't treat your spouse like a kid, they always get entitled. Does she work? If not why not? If she does, why doesn't she spend her own money on her own phone. I suggest before you divorce her you stop doing stuff for her that she is perfectly capable of doing for herself.

Like with the boat, I guess that was a gift? Was it for some event like a birthday? If not then stop buying her expensive gifts, if she asks for something tell her she can get it on her own.

Again treat people and allow them to live like children and they are going to act like children. 

Have her live in the real world for a while and see if that changes her attitude. Besides it's actually empowering.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

boatguy101 said:


> Hi im new to this but here it


No, you're not. You already have a post about the exact same issues. 

Your wife sounds like she has to have the best, biggest, most expensive stuff. There is no pleasing someone like that, unless she marries rich. 

Yes, you should be getting her input on things like this, especially if she's not the "go with the flow type", but she needs to learn to be reasonable and keep budget in mind.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is an easy fix - let her pick out and buy her own damn shyte.

Why are you buying everything for her without her input and buy-in?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Is her complaining to you somewhat NEW, or has she always been like that?
TALK instead of fight -- tell her the constant complaining and her taking her anger out on YOU isn't acceptable and is damaging your relationship.

As for the phone/etc. -- just tell her that you will return the phone and she can get what she wants. I also know you were trying to do something nice, but she IS an adult and if she needed a new phone, she could have done that herself.
Then she could only complain about herself if she didn't like it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Is  she an adult partner in marriage or is she a 19 year old sugar baby?


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## boatguy101 (Jan 29, 2021)

Livvie said:


> That was my first thought, too.
> 
> Picking out a new phone is not only fun (unless you are a person with endless $$ and get a new phone so regularly it's a commonplace event), but it's personal as to what you want and need. I'd be really upset if my spouse unilaterally chose me new phone for me.
> 
> ...


Well the boat just kinda happened my cousin had it and he needed the money and i was saving money to buy a motorcycle so i bought the boat instead partly because she always worries when u ride but what you dont know is were lake people thats what we do so i thought a boat would be better


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## boatguy101 (Jan 29, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Is  she an adult partner in marriage or is she a 19 year old sugar baby?


Shes 41 im 42


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The one pattern I see repeating in your account of the problems there is that it doesn't seem like you're giving her a say in the decisions of where to go and what to buy. So then if it's not what she had in mind, that seems understandable. You need to include her. If she wants a phone, tell her to find a couple she thinks she would like, or just tell her to go get one. 

If you go on vacation, let her help plan it so if something isn't good to her, it's half her own fault! 

If you make any major purchase, she should be included not only in whether to make the purchase or included in picking it out. Don't you see how that would have avoided all of these criticisms of hers? 

Instead it's like you're trying to leverage these things for sex. She'd be happier being just included in the decisions, I bet. Good luck.


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## boatguy101 (Jan 29, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The one pattern I see repeating in your account of the problems there is that it doesn't seem like you're giving her a say in the decisions of where to go and what to buy. So then if it's not what she had in mind, that seems understandable. You need to include her. If she wants a phone, tell her to find a couple she thinks she would like, or just tell her to go get one.
> 
> If you go on vacation, let her help plan it so if something isn't good to her, it's half her own fault!
> 
> ...


Sadly sex has nothing to do with it since we only have sex about 4 times a year and when we do its on sided where she just lays there instead of being into the moment


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

boatguy101 said:


> ...while i had to listen to her complain...


Interesting perspectives offered in this thread that I hadn't considered.

What initially stood out to me, was the above. You didn't 'have to' listen to her complain. 

I might get tomatoes flying my way for this view, but I'd imagine a simple, 'Are you done?' and then removing yourself, could communicate a whole lot.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Interesting perspectives offered in this thread that I hadn't considered.
> 
> What initially stood out to me, was the above. You didn't 'have to' listen to her complain.
> 
> I might get tomatoes flying my way for this view, but I'd imagine a simple, 'Are you done?' and then removing yourself, could communicate a whole lot.


Yep. Which is why I suggested that he probably needs to take a look at how he's contributing to their marital dynamic. Neither of them are behaving the way they are in a vacuum. 

He can't change his wife. But he can absolutely change how he interacts with her.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

boatguy101 said:


> Sadly sex has nothing to do with it since we only have sex about 4 times a year and when we do its on sided where she just lays there instead of being into the moment


This all sounds lovely, no kids, I can definitely see why you haven't divorced her.
Not to say you've been right in some of your decisions, but I'd stick a fork in this one.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You helped your cousin out by taking the boat off his hands. That was kind of you. It did nothing for your wife, though.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I would complain too if I told my husband since he’s going to the store, to get me a certain phone and he came back with a different phone. It’s more the end of the world, but I would complain. And he also has the right to say oops, you can take it back and exchange it for what you like. 

I would also be upset if my husband had an impulse buy of a crappy used boat that he 1) didn’t ask me, 2) can’t return, and 3) doesn’t her family already have one? What a waste of money. Then to pawn it off as a gift for her which it was an impulse buy for him obviously.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I notice that when a women states something negative it’s an automatic complaint from some men. Like her saying... you got me the wrong color phone... to me, she is stating a fact. She asked for a certain thing and you got something different. It’s annoying when men think this is a complaint. Do women have to pretend to like everything in order to not be perceived as a nag?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I notice that when a women states something negative it’s an automatic complaint from some men. Like her saying... you got me the wrong color phone... to me, she is stating a fact. She asked for a certain thing and you got something different. It’s annoying when men think this is a complaint. Do women have to pretend to like everything in order to not be perceived as a nag?


It's wasn't just a color she didn't want. He went out and bought a phone with no input from her and it straight up wasn't one she wanted. 

Same with the boat. He went and bought a boat from a relative (to do the relative a favor) without consulting her at all about the purchase.

She's probably had it with this kind of stuff but he won't look at his own behaviors so he's gotta label it as "complaining". His mental gymnastics.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Livvie said:


> It's wasn't just a color she didn't want. He went out and bought a phone with no input from her and it straight up wasn't one she wanted.
> 
> Same with the boat. He went and bought a boat from a relative (to do the relative a favor) without consulting her at all about the purchase.
> 
> She's probably had it with this kind of stuff but he won't look at his own behaviors so he's gotta label it as "complaining". His mental gymnastics.


Exactly!! It drives me insane when men paint a completely inaccurate description of what’s going on. 

All my life my dad always said that my mom yelled at him, and he is super serious. My mom has never raised her voice ever at him. If she was upset, and said something to him then she’s “yelling”. It annoys me so much! 

If I told my ex boyfriend I was getting car sick... then he says I complained the whole ride. Like really?

It just seems like us women have to shut up and smile and be happy all the time or else we get labeled nags.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Exactly!! It drives me insane when men paint a completely inaccurate description of what’s going on.
> 
> All my life my dad always said that my mom yelled at him, and he is super serious. My mom has never raised her voice ever at him. If she was upset, and said something to him then she’s “yelling”. It annoys me so much!
> 
> ...


It's definitely a personality disorder. There are people who can communicate in reasonable, respectful ways, and this sort isn't that.

I had a relationship with a man who has personality dysfunction. Anything I had a boundary, etc. about, or _whenever I stood up for myself if I was being mistreated_, he couldn't deal with it. I made up an acronym, CABL. He was always CABLing me. CABL was to label me as: chastising, accusing, berating, and lambasting him. He'd actually use these words. I was never even coming close to any of these things. He used these terms to throw at me whenever I didn't like mistreated or even was calmly explaining something after being falsely accused of some ****ed up distorted thing. This sort of **** often comes with a narcissistic personality.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

She never wanted kids or wanted to give her parents grand kids? Never considered adoption?

My wife prefers puttering around on my ski boat and the scenery. I like the scenery too because she wears her bikini when we are boating alone- lol. Most of my boating time is tubing kids all over the lake though so sort of a win win (they are out of her hair for awhile).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> She never wanted kids or wanted to give her parents grand kids? Never considered adoption?
> 
> My wife prefers puttering around on my ski boat and the scenery. I like the scenery too because she wears her bikini when we are boating alone- lol. Most of my boating time is tubing kids all over the lake though so sort of a win win (they are out of her hair for awhile).


"Give" her parents grandkids?

Barf.


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