# Taking responsibility



## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 8 months now, but we get into arguments every month. She always says I'm the one to blame for the arguments and maybe I am but she believes she hasn't done anything wrong to cause any of our issues.

However, she's told me that she still loves me but I don't accept responsibility for my actions and that I need to show her that I do. I honestly don't understand what she means. I thought I was taking responsibility for our disagreements by not repeating them and told her the issues were my fault but that doesn't appear to be what she's talking about.

I'm not sure I'm making this clear enough.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

bmichael said:


> I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 8 months now, but we get into arguments every month. She always says I'm the one to blame for the arguments and maybe I am but she believes she hasn't done anything wrong to cause any of our issues.
> 
> However, she's told me that she still loves me but I don't accept responsibility for my actions and that I need to show her that I do. I honestly don't understand what she means. I thought I was taking responsibility for our disagreements by not repeating them and told her the issues were my fault but that doesn't appear to be what she's talking about.
> 
> I'm not sure I'm making this clear enough.


I don't know your age, but when you take responsibility for your actions, it means to SHOW her that you've changed for better and that you won't / haven't repeated the same mistakes all over again.

Simply _telling_ her you've taken responsibility ....says nothings. Actions speak louder than words and if she realizes you still haven't changed...it means you're talking in vain. 

_Showing _is not the same as _telling_. English is not my mother tongue but unless you're under 18 and if English is your first language, then I wonder why you don't understand the core of the problem.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't know your age, but when you take responsibility for your actions, it means to SHOW her that you've changed for better and that you won't / haven't repeated the same mistakes all over again.
> 
> Simply _telling_ her you've taken responsibility ....says nothings. Actions speak louder than words and if she realizes you still haven't changed...it means you're talking in vain.
> 
> _Showing _is not the same as _telling_. English is not my mother tongue but unless you're under 18 and if English is your first language, then I wonder why you don't understand the core of the problem.


I guess that's where the confusion comes in because I haven't repeated the same mistakes again.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Then if you claim to have changed, flat out ask her what she thinks is wrong with you. 
Communicate to her and speak your minds. 

Both of you might have communication problems.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

bmichael said:


> I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 8 months now, but we get into *arguments every month*. She always says I'm the one to blame for the arguments and maybe I am but she believes she hasn't done anything wrong to cause any of our issues.
> 
> However, she's told me that she still loves me but I don't accept responsibility for my actions and that I need to show her that I do. I honestly don't understand what she means. I thought I was taking responsibility for our disagreements by not repeating them and told her the issues were my fault but that doesn't appear to be what she's talking about.
> 
> I'm not sure I'm making this clear enough.


Does she tell you what actions you took to cause the argument? 

Not repeating disagreements is not a basis for a good relationship. I missed all the red flags at the start of my marriage. Whenever she was pi***d off with me and I'd ask what I had done I got the reply that "if you don't know then that's the problem", or "if you don't know then there's no point in me telling you". Funnily enough these always seemed to come out of a blue sky and catch me off guard. These were her mood swings and it wasn't me that wouldn't own up to being the problem. My XW moods often came out of nowhere, but PMT was a big issue. You said these were every month. Are they around the same time of the month. As a man I can only sympathize with women who get PMT, some get it really bad, but if that is a cause then blaming you for it is not the answer.

Don't apologize for being wrong unless YOU believe that you did something wrong, and if you do then make that apology sincere. When you apologize and take responsibility for something you haven't done you are just enabling the issue.

You really need to find out what actions you have done. If she can't tell you then it's not you.



lovelygirl said:


> I don't know your age, but when you take responsibility for your actions, it means to SHOW her that you've changed for better and that you won't / haven't repeated the same mistakes all over again.
> 
> Simply _telling_ her you've taken responsibility ....says nothings. *Actions speak louder than words and if she realizes you still haven't changed*...it means you're talking in vain.
> 
> _Showing _is not the same as _telling_. English is not my mother tongue but unless you're under 18 and if English is your first language, then I wonder why you don't understand the core of the problem.


If she hasn't clearly told him what the issue is then there is very little chance of him changing and the core of the problem may probably not be him.



bmichael said:


> I guess that's where the confusion comes in because I haven't repeated the same mistakes again.


If you haven't repeated the same mistakes but she is coming up with new issues then this has everything to do with control of the relationship. When you truly love someone you don't spend your time trying to find fault with them, you've only been together 8 months. If there are things about your personality that she doesn't like then it means she needs to move on and find the person she wants to be with and not try and change you into that someone.

After reading your description and having gone through the years I did of always being the cause of whatever bothered her yet not being told what it was if I were in your shoes Usain Bolt would be hard pushed to catch me.

You need to shelve any marriage plans until this issue is sorted out because it won't get any better once you are legally committed to each other.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I agree ^ totally. 
You sound like you ARE showing her that you are taking responsibility for mistakes by not repeating them. That's all anyone can ask. If she is looking for one type of man but you are another then the fault is with her not you. If you love someone, you have fallen in love with THEM not who you WANT them to be. 
I would say she may have control issues and is not the right woman for you, perhaps she is too high maintenance.
Good luck


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Taking responsibility for your actions means that you say, "No, I misunderstood you. I was the one that flew off the handle." Or, "No, I did not pick up the pasta you asked for. That is my mistake, sorry. Could I fix something for us or make a run for pizza instead." Or, "When I was with the guys on Friday we decided to go to a strip club. I realize I should have opted out and now I wish I would have. I did want you to know." Or telling your family, "My wife did not say those things. I was forthcoming with information. I was the one that was not being truthful."


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

8 Months is nothing in the vetting phase... time is your friend here as so many things change, and change often as you learn and relearn the other person.

I say relearn because often that person is shifting right alongside with you, establishing boundaries and getting a feel for the attraction that took... a lot of affirmation going on here between you both and now is where you find the balance of acceptance and expectation.

Here's the trick... believing there isn't one, because there isn't. 

Nothing in a relationship is "paint by numbers".

What it is, is the understanding that our lives are conditioned by our actions, or more-so the quality of our actions.

What we think and feel, how we act and react, is driven by our own sense of accountability. Those who call another out on such tend to be paying less attention to self and more on others... completely backwards.

If she is right about your accountability, ask her directly how you could make it better and listen to her suggestions but remember they are only that, application on them is totally you and if it doesn't feel right, perhaps it isn't. What that may tell you is this person could possibly not be your best fit in life and if it doesn't align, it doesn't align... nothing wrong in that either.

But if she is really right, and your heart and mind tell you that "yep, this is causing pain to myself and others", listen to it... that is pride removed and you are beginning to touch that mindfulness that moves and binds us with others.

The importance is that you begin to recognize it... then apply it.

Without clarity, control is a misused tool... so be clear.

If difficulty comes, and you feel you have done your best, share with her "I am sorry you feel that way", mean it with all you are, and then let it go.

If it stirs deeper, let her know you are doing your best, acknowledge that you hear her concern by paraphrasing it back in your own words and choose not to argue about it.

Pay attention to your actions and your reactions, thus paying attention to the dance of intentions and motivations in how arguments come... don't get codependent with it or downward spirals come and in the end your frustrations will take over your ability to understand what just happened.

Lots going on... think about it and ask questions should you need to.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

That phrase sets my teeth on edge now after a very bad experience I had.

I had a relationship with a man after my divorce who had numerous issues with his own self. Everything in his life was seen as a slight, something done wrong to him, he was a perpetual victim. Instead of facing the fact that he had self esteem issues and perception/reaction issues, he tried to blame his (hyper sensitive) reactions on me. Everytime an "episode" happened, he demanded that I "take responsibility" for his feelings and reactions. If I was the big bad wolf doing wrong, who needed to take responsibility for all of these wrongs, he didn't have to deal with the fact that his reactions should have been owned by him, and that they were not normal or reasonable at all.

Be careful here that you don't have this sort of thing going on here. If so, get out!!!


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

Well, honestly, some of the actions that she claims I need to take responsibility for do not even really effect her. For example, one example she used when I asked her to explain what she meant is in regards to my son. She said I was responsible because he's getting bad grades at school and I don't own up to it.

Another example... I was supposed to get a Christmas bonus at my job that we had planned to use the money towards a long overdue vacation. I spoke with my manager the Monday before Christmas and asked him about bonuses. At the time, I left the conversation believing that I was going to get my bonus that Friday since he said "bonuses would be paid out on Friday". Come Friday, I didn't get a bonus in my paycheck. When I asked my manager about it, he said that my performance didn't merit a bonus. When I told my girlfriend I wasn't getting a bonus and told her about the conversation on Monday and didn't understand why he indicated I was getting one but then I didn't, she said I should have known my performance wouldn't warrant a bonus and my saying that I didn't know why I didn't get one was me not taking responsibility.

The last argument we got in to occurred about a month ago. We drove out of town to the beach and we had a good time for the first day. On the second day, while she was getting ready for us to go out to dinner, she was acting differently. I asked her what was wrong and she told me I was boring her because I wasn't engaging in conversation with her as she was getting ready, and that she was thinking about telling me to go home. I got angry and told her that I was leaving then and I did in fact head home. 

This is my first relationship since I was divorced in 2014 after being married for 18 years. I guess I just don't know what I'm doing, if the issue is with me, if she's just being controlling, or what the heck is going on.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Well, while age is timeless in many ways it can be a factor... how old are the two of you?

That your manager was not upfront about your bonus is what I say is the difference between management and leadership... you manage things, you lead people. 

You deserved better from those in charge.

As for your son... expectations combined with love and acceptance is a balancing act we all need but understand not all of us get to be astronauts, grade are but a small window to what moves us to greatness, calm will always see that.

If she is that hungry for attention during dressing for dinner and she seriously thinks sending you away to punish you is healthy, her focus is lost.

Judgement done, that your partner expressed disappointment in you, instead of with you, shares an insight to your future.

These things hurt you... it times like this one needs to see that a step back may not be as hurtful.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Well, while age is timeless in many ways it can be a factor... how old are the two of you?
> 
> That your manager was not upfront about your bonus is what I say is the difference between management and leadership... you manage things, you lead people.
> 
> ...


Well, she actually broke up with me over the bonus situation and we were not together through the holidays. We were only back together a few weeks before the incident with the beach trip. I'm not sure what we are right now. 

I think my gut is telling me that I need to end this relationship, though I have feelings for her, but I just can't seem to do it.

She has a nasty habit of saying really hurtful things to me and honestly, hasn't done much to show that she cares about me besides make me dinner or occasion or send me messages, or tell me, how wonderful and great I am.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Love yourself more... this is not ego, it's more about preservation of your happiness.

Our destiny is not only how we treat others... but also how we allow others to treat us.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

bmichael said:


> Well, honestly, some of the actions that she claims I need to take responsibility for do not even really effect her. For example, one example she used when I asked her to explain what she meant is in regards to my son. She said I was responsible because he's getting bad grades at school and I don't own up to it.
> 
> Another example... I was supposed to get a Christmas bonus at my job that we had planned to use the money towards a long overdue vacation. I spoke with my manager the Monday before Christmas and asked him about bonuses. At the time, I left the conversation believing that I was going to get my bonus that Friday since he said "bonuses would be paid out on Friday". Come Friday, I didn't get a bonus in my paycheck. When I asked my manager about it, he said that my performance didn't merit a bonus. When I told my girlfriend I wasn't getting a bonus and told her about the conversation on Monday and didn't understand why he indicated I was getting one but then I didn't, she said I should have known my performance wouldn't warrant a bonus and my saying that I didn't know why I didn't get one was me not taking responsibility.
> 
> ...


This does not sound good. She sounds a bit needy and perhaps blaming herself. I don't know how you were supposed to be responsible for your son's grades unless she feels you are not helping him enough with his homework. Being upset at you for not chatting while she is getting ready? Does not make sense. There's lots of other fish in the sea. I think when you left you should have not made contact.

My ex would not take responsibility for his actions but not like anything you mentioned. When I saw the history on the computer and confronted him about it he claimed it wasn't him but he is the only person that uses that computer. He then tells me this raunchy junk was in his news feed....like I am stupid and I let him know that was not possible....he then says to me, "You weren't paying any attention to me." Who would ignore who? Geesh, I spent a lifetime dealing with being ignored by this man if I did the slightest thing that upset him. This is an example of not taking accountability for one's actions. Instead of admitted to what I saw with my own eyes, he lied and then he tried to blame me for his actions. That is typical narcissistic behavior. They do not stand accountable yet they blame and try to pass off blame on other people.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Taking the responsibility for everything may temporarily work but you are going to have to address the real problem of having her take responsibility for the things she does to create arguments (assuming that she has been the cause of some of the arguments). If she's going to continue never taking responsibility, you should really think about where your relationship is headed and if you really want to be with a person who just going to blame everything on you. She's going to have to grow up before she'll be ready for a deep relationship. 

How can your not getting a bonus when you were told you were getting one be all your fault? And why she got upset at you not making conversation while she was getting ready to go out for dinner...that's just ridiculous. I would be careful with this one, she's giving you warning signs of why she's not going to be a good GF for you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

bmichael said:


> Well, she actually broke up with me over the bonus situation and we were not together through the holidays. We were only back together a few weeks before the incident with the beach trip. I'm not sure what we are right now.
> 
> I think my gut is telling me that I need to end this relationship, though I have feelings for her, but I just can't seem to do it.
> 
> She has a nasty habit of saying really hurtful things to me and honestly, hasn't done much to show that she cares about me besides make me dinner or occasion or send me messages, or tell me, how wonderful and great I am.


Sounds like you should end this. While she might be right on some points, after just 8 months she breaks up with you over a misunderstanding with the bonus thing? Says hurtful things? I'd end it before you get married, and things get worse and you're accepting responsibility for everything that goes wrong in the relationship.

Plus, if your child is already struggling in school, I wouldn't bring someone into his life unless you are positive that she will become a wife someday. That's just my thoughts to people who have kids in general, it is too confusing for kids to sort out their parents' dating lives, and they shouldn't have to.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> That's just my thoughts to people who have kids in general, it is too confusing for kids to sort out their parents' dating lives, and they shouldn't have to.


I really like this part... we transfer so much of our own confusion when we don't even understand it ourselves quite often, thanks @*Deidre*


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I think it's ridiculous for her to get upset with you for not getting a bonus. You are not obligated to take her on vacation neither is any money you earn in a bonus hers to spend or expect you to spend it anyway she wants. 

Sounds like she's with you for all the wrong reason. I would move on. Sorry, hope you find someone who appreciates you for you 

Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It might be you, it might be her, it might just be incompatibility. It's hard to judge based on the information provided. 

But if it is you... you should figure it out because in order to have any successful relationship you need to learn how to communicate effectively and have good conflict resolution. 

What about your x-wife? Did she have the same problems with you?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Her getting mad about the bonus appears stupid, but I bet it's not JUST the bonus. With women, it's hardly ever the thing that we are arguing over, it's the point of principle or usually the issue that we feel which is always deeper than the actual thing we are fighting about. 

Here's an example... wife flips out because husband doesn't put away his dish. From the outside she looks crazy, the husband says geez it's just a dish. But to her, it could be that this dish is just another reminder that he doesn't respect her, or appreciate her and her threshold for this issue has lowered. So every little thing will upset her. The dish isn't the problem, the lack of respect she feels is the problem. So you don't fix the issue by putting the dish away, you fix the issue by identifying the REAL issue, and talking to your wife about what respect looks like to her and how he can change.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

bmichael said:


> I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 8 months now, but we get into arguments every month. She always says I'm the one to blame for the arguments and maybe I am but she believes she hasn't done anything wrong to cause any of our issues.
> 
> However, she's told me that she still loves me but I don't accept responsibility for my actions and that I need to show her that I do. I honestly don't understand what she means. I thought I was taking responsibility for our disagreements by not repeating them and told her the issues were my fault but that doesn't appear to be what she's talking about.
> 
> I'm not sure I'm making this clear enough.


What she wants is for you to say "hey, I'm really sorry, I'm an idiot and ****ed everything up". 

I say you need to be very careful though, many times people who demand others take responsibility (blame) for everything are usually the ones who are screwed in the head. They have the mentality that if you don't agree with them or they don't get their way YOU are the problem. If you truly aren't doing wrong don't let her make a doormat out of you by forcing you to take the blame, and if you did make a mistake, and apologized for it, don't let her hold it over you as ammunition for other things.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

She sounds pretty entitled. Telling you to leave because you weren't entertaining her with conversation while on a weekend getaway :scratchhead: Huh??? I bet she didnt expect you to up and leave. How was her attitude after you left in the following days? 

That alone should be a view into your future with this women.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Throw this one back.

I am married to a person like this, although not to that degree.

Refusal to see something her way normally results in her escalating.

It is abuse, and should not be tolerated.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> I think it's ridiculous for her to get upset with you for not getting a bonus. You are not obligated to take her on vacation neither is any money you earn in a bonus hers to spend or expect you to spend it anyway she wants.
> 
> Sounds like she's with you for all the wrong reason. I would move on. Sorry, hope you find someone who appreciates you for you
> 
> Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


I agree!! She seems to have a real issue with you needing to be the bad guy and "taking responsibility." I'd run far and fast from her. She will mess with your head and your perceptions and you will end up damaged and unhappy if you continue this relationship.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

bmichael said:


> The last argument we got in to occurred about a month ago. We drove out of town to the beach and we had a good time for the first day. On the second day, while she was getting ready for us to go out to dinner, she was acting differently. I asked her what was wrong and she told me I was boring her because I wasn't engaging in conversation with her as she was getting ready, and that she was thinking about telling me to go home. I got angry and told her that I was leaving then and I did in fact head home.


Helllllo? Conversation is a two-way street. You were boring her? Let me guess, she's the epitome of 5-star entertainment. Probably NOT. If she wanted conversation, why couldn't she initiate an intelligent one. Does she keep you entertained while you're getting ready? Sing to you while you're taking a shower? She cray


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> I think it's ridiculous for her to get upset with you for not getting a bonus. You are not obligated to take her on vacation neither is any money you earn in a bonus hers to spend or expect you to spend it anyway she wants.
> 
> Sounds like she's with you for all the wrong reason. I would move on. Sorry, hope you find someone who appreciates you for you
> 
> Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


As she explained it, she said she wasn't upset about me not getting the bonus but me not excepting or admitting it was my own fault because I should have known I wasn't getting it because of my job performance.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> What about your x-wife? Did she have the same problems with you?


Actually, no. I never had issues like this with my ex-wife. I had anger issues in our marriage and then she had an emotional affair that did the marriage in. I went through a lot of counseling to get my anger under control and I don't have a problem with it anymore. Quite the opposite really.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

Grapes said:


> She sounds pretty entitled. Telling you to leave because you weren't entertaining her with conversation while on a weekend getaway :scratchhead: Huh??? I bet she didnt expect you to up and leave. How was her attitude after you left in the following days?
> 
> That alone should be a view into your future with this women.


No she didn't expect me to leave at all. She blew my phone up for several days afterwards which I didn't answer or respond to. Then I didn't hear from her for almost two weeks then she called me again and I answered. We talked and things were okay for awhile until now when she's back talking that I don't take responsibility for anything, including the fight on the weekend trip.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bmichael said:


> Grapes said:
> 
> 
> > She sounds pretty entitled. Telling you to leave because you weren't entertaining her with conversation while on a weekend getaway
> ...


I don't know how you are continuing to stand this. Why haven't you ended this relationship? It's clearly not healthy because she has a huge wacked out issue with this. 

Again, I counsel RUN. I've been there.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

bmichael said:


> No she didn't expect me to leave at all. She blew my phone up for several days afterwards which I didn't answer or respond to. Then I didn't hear from her for almost two weeks then she called me again and I answered. We talked and things were okay for awhile until now when she's back talking that I don't take responsibility for anything, including the fight on the weekend trip.


You should just text back ''ok...blame it on me.'' And block her. lol You're welcome


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

bmichael said:


> No she didn't expect me to leave at all. She blew my phone up for several days afterwards which I didn't answer or respond to. Then I didn't hear from her for almost two weeks then she called me again and I answered. We talked and things were okay for awhile until now when she's back talking that I don't take responsibility for anything, including the fight on the weekend trip.


She started that fight. Geez. I think it's time to start looking for another GF.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

There is obviously a disconnect. And you don't seem to get why she is mad or what her point really is, and your trying. 

How old is your son? 

My husband doesn't take responsibility a lot and so I'm a little biased toward this conflict. But I'm trying to remain partial. 

You said that you feel like you do take responsibility. Do you feel responsible for your sons bad grades? Or do you think this is his own responsibility? 
I agree that you should be aware of how you are doing at work. But sometimes sh*t happens and you aren't. 
She seems controlling and hyper aware of your inability to take responsibility which I'm sure it not one of your strong suits.


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> You should just text back ''ok...blame it on me.'' And block her. lol You're welcome


I actually did have her blocked but she used some sort of code to mask her number and it rang as "unknown". Which I've had my kids call me from their friends' phones and it would come up unknown so of course I answered. She was scheduled to have surgery and I guess because of my feelings I just accepted her back into my life.

But if you ask her she says we aren't together, that she wants to be back in love with me, but this taking responsibility mess is holding her back. 

The more I type this out, the more ludicrous it sounds. Why is it so hard to get her out of my life?


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## bmichael (Jan 8, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> There is obviously a disconnect. And you don't seem to get why she is mad or what her point really is, and your trying.
> 
> How old is your son?
> 
> ...


My son just turned 12. He got an F in Science and I wasn't aware he was doing bad in class until I spoke with his teacher. Apparently he had been leaving his homework at school and then telling both his mom and myself that he didn't have any. I guess I do feel responsible as I'm his father and I should have been more aware of what was going on.

My performance at work is debatable if you ask me. My manager never sat me down for a session to discuss that there was anything wrong with my work performance. There was really only a question regarding my timecard and some missed punches that I attributed to the fact that I was working remotely several days out of the week and wasn't in the office to punch a timecard.

I guess I do feel responsible for some of these situations, and I've told her as much, but there hasn't been a re occurrence so how do I show her I accept responsibility? It doesn't make sense to me.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

bmichael said:


> I actually did have her blocked but she used some sort of code to mask her number and it rang as "unknown". Which I've had my kids call me from their friends' phones and it would come up unknown so of course I answered. She was scheduled to have surgery and I guess because of my feelings I just accepted her back into my life.
> 
> But if you ask her she says we aren't together, that she wants to be back in love with me, but this taking responsibility mess is holding her back.
> 
> The more I type this out, the more ludicrous it sounds. Why is it so hard to get her out of my life?


The fact that she wouldn't respect that you blocked her number and to leave you alone, kind of shows she is manipulative and unstable. I'd totally end it with her. She reminds me of men I've dated who were manipulative and when I'd say ''I'm done, leave me alone,'' they'd blow my phone up, etc...she sounds like she could be related to them. lol Seriously, your life will be a mess of drama because she sounds somewhat like a narcissist. It's all about her, and holding you out on a string until you behave and then...she'll let you come back to her. 

You should block her number, and not answer any of her ''unknown'' calls...and just stay no contact. She is hard to let go of because there's something inside of you maybe that feels like she gives you approval. You don't need her approval or any woman's approval. That's not love, that's codependency.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

bmichael said:


> My son just turned 12. He got an F in Science and I wasn't aware he was doing bad in class until I spoke with his teacher. Apparently he had been leaving his homework at school and then telling both his mom and myself that he didn't have any. I guess I do feel responsible as I'm his father and I should have been more aware of what was going on.
> 
> My performance at work is debatable if you ask me. My manager never sat me down for a session to discuss that there was anything wrong with my work performance. There was really only a question regarding my timecard and some missed punches that I attributed to the fact that I was working remotely several days out of the week and wasn't in the office to punch a timecard.
> 
> I guess I do feel responsible for some of these situations, and I've told her as much, but there hasn't been a re occurrence so how do I show her I accept responsibility? It doesn't make sense to me.


You don't show her. You don't owe her that. She is mothering you, and when you try and demonstrate that you've improved in responsibility, all you're doing is feeding that dynamic.

You become better for you. If she notices, great. If she doesn't, it's because she doesn't want to see it. If she doesn't want to see it, she gets kicked to the curb for somebody who's actually paying attention.

You've allowed your fear of regression back into anger to prevent you from exerting boundaries. Boundaries can be put into place without being angry. In fact, they're far more effective without anger.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You have been together for eight months and are in constant conflict. Is it not obvious to each of you that you're not a good couple? It doesn't matter about being right or wrong or this and that, what matters is you two are on different frequency's. 

What makes it worth the effort and stress?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

bmichael said:


> My son just turned 12. He got an F in Science and I wasn't aware he was doing bad in class until I spoke with his teacher. Apparently he had been leaving his homework at school and then telling both his mom and myself that he didn't have any. I guess I do feel responsible as I'm his father and I should have been more aware of what was going on.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You remind me of my husband. When I express an issue with him, he applies it to that one and only specific scenario. He can't see how the issue affects other scenarios. So even though he doesn't repeat that SPECIFIC scenario doesn't mean he doesn't repeat the issue. If that makes sense.
Like you can't wait until after you do something to say you won't do it again if you should of known not to do it in the first place. 

I get what your wife is saying. You need to take responsibility right away verbally to show her that you know it's your "fault". My husband only takes responsibility after a lecture from me, or after how I explain to him why he is responsible. Then after an hour discussion he agrees and takes responsibility. But he should do that before the lecture. 

Like right now.... you just took some responsibility for your son. But I'm sure you didn't right away. You need to assume responsibility right away.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> The fact that she wouldn't respect that you blocked her number and to leave you alone, kind of shows she is manipulative and unstable. I'd totally end it with her. She reminds me of men I've dated who were manipulative and when I'd say ''I'm done, leave me alone,'' they'd blow my phone up, etc...she sounds like she could be related to them. lol Seriously, your life will be a mess of drama because she sounds somewhat like a narcissist. It's all about her, and holding you out on a string until you behave and then...she'll let you come back to her.
> 
> You should block her number, and not answer any of her ''unknown'' calls...and just stay no contact. She is hard to let go of because there's something inside of you maybe that feels like she gives you approval. You don't need her approval or any woman's approval. That's not love, that's codependency.




I disagree. This is his girlfriend. I assume this guy is close to 40? Blocking people is very juvenile and passive aggressive. And to block your girlfriend? Is so strange, like what do you think would happen realistically? 

If you want to be with this women, then be with her. And work on your relationship. If you don't want to be with her, then break up with her. This blocking and ignoring each other is stupid, and not productive. Be an adult, and address the issue. If she is making you mad and you dont want to talk to her, tell her that. Your frustrating me, and I need some space, please give me some space. I'll talk to you in a few days once I cool off. 

People need to identify their feelings and be able to communicate that effectively and clearly to their partner. This passive aggressive childish sh*t doesn't help anything.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

bmichael said:


> The more I type this out, the more ludicrous it sounds. Why is it so hard to get her out of my life?




I can't even deal with this. If you want to break up with her than break up with her. Your acting like you have no control, and your a victim. You really don't take responsibility I guess. 
Break up with her. Period. Have a sit down face to face conversation, and end it. Geez


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I disagree. This is his girlfriend. I assume this guy is close to 40? Blocking people is very juvenile and passive aggressive. And to block your girlfriend? Is so strange, like what do you think would happen realistically?
> 
> If you want to be with this women, then be with her. And work on your relationship. If you don't want to be with her, then break up with her. This blocking and ignoring each other is stupid, and not productive. Be an adult, and address the issue. If she is making you mad and you dont want to talk to her, tell her that. Your frustrating me, and I need some space, please give me some space. I'll talk to you in a few days once I cool off.
> 
> People need to identify their feelings and be able to communicate that effectively and clearly to their partner. This passive aggressive childish sh*t doesn't help anything.


Blocking people is designed to keep the person from answering the phone, from someone who is toxic in their life. This woman sounds like she would not leave him alone, so blocking is necessary sometimes after you break things off with someone. It's childish that she found a way around the block, tbh. lol

She is a gf (and they haven't even been together one year), not a wife, and shouldn't be ordering him around and putting financial expectations on him, IMO.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> I get what your wife is saying. You need to take responsibility right away verbally to show her that you know it's your "fault". My husband only takes responsibility after a lecture from me, or after how I explain to him why he is responsible. Then after an hour discussion he agrees and takes responsibility. But he should do that before the lecture.


Why do you feel the need to lecture your husband? Does he need parenting? It is disrespectful for one adult to lecture another, one might also say it is a bullying tactic used to achieve what you want.

Adults in a relationship express themselves clearly and directly (no implying, no assumptions, no covert contracts) and then negotiate and compromise when they disagree.

Save the lectures for the 12 year old who keeps leaving his homework at school.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

They call it a rebound relationship for a reason and this one is over. She is controlling. 

This is a new relationship and you shouldn't be fighting like this. Time for a new GF


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> Why do you feel the need to lecture your husband? Does he need parenting? It is disrespectful for one adult to lecture another, one might also say it is a bullying tactic used to achieve what you want.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Sorry lecture was the wrong word.

And no not all adults express themselves clearly and directly at all.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

bmichael said:


> Well, honestly, some of the actions that she claims I need to take responsibility for do not even really effect her. For example, one example she used when I asked her to explain what she meant is in regards to my son. She said I was responsible because he's getting bad grades at school and I don't own up to it.


Does she have kids? It's up to you how you parent your son. From what you've said you could have been more on top of things in monitoring but the real responsibility is on him to do his homework.



bmichael said:


> Another example... I was supposed to get a Christmas bonus at my job that we had planned to use the money towards a long overdue vacation. I spoke with my manager the Monday before Christmas and asked him about bonuses. At the time, I left the conversation believing that I was going to get my bonus that Friday since he said "bonuses would be paid out on Friday". Come Friday, I didn't get a bonus in my paycheck. When I asked my manager about it, he said that my performance didn't merit a bonus. When I told my girlfriend I wasn't getting a bonus and told her about the conversation on Monday and didn't understand why he indicated I was getting one but then I didn't, she said I should have known my performance wouldn't warrant a bonus and my saying that I didn't know why I didn't get one was me not taking responsibility.


If your manager hadn't informed you that your work was not up to par then that is his problem. Telling you at the start of the week that you would get your bonus on Friday and then informing you Friday that your bonus was zero is pretty sh1tty behavior from your manager in my opinion.

However as your girlfriend of just a few months she is way out of line telling you off. She seemed to assume that the money was hers.



bmichael said:


> The last argument we got in to occurred about a month ago. We drove out of town to the beach and we had a good time for the first day. On the second day, while she was getting ready for us to go out to dinner, she was acting differently. I asked her what was wrong and she told me I was boring her because I wasn't engaging in conversation with her as she was getting ready, and that she was thinking about telling me to go home. I got angry and told her that I was leaving then and I did in fact head home.
> 
> This is my first relationship since I was divorced in 2014 after being married for 18 years. I guess I just don't know what I'm doing, if the issue is with me, if she's just being controlling, or what the heck is going on.


Some people have the assumption that it is up to others to make them happy. This is BS, you are responsible for your own feelings. If she was talking to you and you ignored her then she has a right to be annoyed as that would be rude. Was she making any conversation? 



bmichael said:


> Well, she actually broke up with me over the bonus situation and we were not together through the holidays. We were only back together a few weeks before the incident with the beach trip. I'm not sure what we are right now.
> 
> I think my gut is telling me that I need to end this relationship, though I have feelings for her, but I just can't seem to do it.
> 
> She has a nasty habit of saying really hurtful things to me and honestly, hasn't done much to show that she cares about me besides make me dinner or occasion or send me messages, or tell me, how wonderful and great I am.


You really need to listen to your gut.



bmichael said:


> No she didn't expect me to leave at all. She blew my phone up for several days afterwards which I didn't answer or respond to. Then I didn't hear from her for almost two weeks then she called me again and I answered. We talked and things were okay for awhile until now when she's back talking that I don't take responsibility for anything, including the fight on the weekend trip.


She blames everything on you and tells you that you don't take responsibility. If you carry on this relationship your anger is probably going to come back.

You need to end this asap, and firmly. No discussion, no "if you just do this one thing then everything will be OK" because there will always be one more thing. You need to end it for you and your son. You will find someone else, and someone better. I'm not one of these No More Mr Nice Guy believers but you do sound like you need to stand up for yourself better.

I wish you luck.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

After reading your recent updates I have to say you should end it. 
After only 8 months she is making you miserable (or each other?), better to finish it now rather than waiting 8 years.
The end of this relationship is inevitable, rip it off like a band-aid.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

katiecrna said:


> I can't even deal with this. If you want to break up with her than break up with her. Your acting like you have no control, and your a victim. You really don't take responsibility I guess.
> Break up with her. Period. Have a sit down face to face conversation, and end it. Geez


Katiecrna's post makes a great point. 

Is it possible OP you're one of those people with a victim mentality? Everything that is said and done you take as a personal slight or insult? Reading your post I do see some "poor poor me" attitudes. Are you blowing all these stories out of proportion so you get sympathy? Do you play the victim card as opposed to trying harder to better yourself? 

Your life is your responsibility, either you let it happen to you or you make it happen for you. Your choice.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Yikes your gf is a hot mess and high maintenance. I still don't understand her argument re: your bonus. How can you know exactly what management is going to do until it actually happens? Sure, you can have a feeling, but when it comes down to brass tacks, you don't know. Sounds like she's just picking a fight because she was mad you didn't get it, so no vacay. Were you guys going 50/50 on expenses or were you going to pay 100%?

And her picking a fight with you while on vacay because you're "boring" (what an insult!) and not talking to her while she's getting ready? What, are you her entertainment monkey? Wow. Immature. Good on you for actually leaving. That is strength.

Listen, 8 mos in shouldn't be this hard, it should be unicorns and rainbows. Sounds like she's trying to mold you into what she wants in a man. 

Break up with her and go dark. Do not answer her when she blows up your phone. You have the control on this issue, you just need to use it. Dont let her back in this time.

This is a horrendous life in the making for you if you choose to continue this relationship. Don't do it. Cut her loose and find someone who is more mature, compatible with you, and accepts you for who you are.


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