# I feel Trapped



## hoehandle (Jul 11, 2011)

I have been married for 19 yrs. We used to have all kinds of bills to pay along with all the other stuff going on in a marriage. My wife used to tell me I needed to make more money. At my job they told me I needed to work harder. I finally cracked & quit my job and took my first job on the road making more money. My wife was furious with my decision for 2 solid years.

Long story short; that was 2006. Since that time I've doubled my salary, all the bills are paid and we still don't have any money. My wife keeps ratcheting up the quality of life of our family.
She seems to be on the road continually; even with gas prices as they are.

Many weekends I come home to an empty house or at least with her gone and the kids there. Don't get me wrong; I love my kids but I love my wife too. I want to see her on the weekends.
I've mentioned quitting my job and coming home and she doesn't want me too.

I actually feel like I am being used as a cash cow so she can live the lifestyle she wants too.
I actually talked to her about separating once and she blew up and accused me of being selfish.
I do love her and I believe she loves me but at times I wonder if she really knows what love is.
I believe she is faithful and I know I am. So I don't believe that is an issue.

I am totally lost and feel like I don't have a life because I live in motels rooms constantly working 70-80 hours per week.

I'm not sure whether I should quit my job or my marriage.!!!

hoe


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

What is she doing with her weekends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

70-80 hours a week makes it difficult to invest time in a marriage, and lowering your qualitity of life is significantly more difficult than raising it. But you already knew those things. Have you tried counseling? What happens if you try to share with your wife how you are doing? What would be her pespective with all of this? To me it looks like your wife is trying to buy happiness. There will always be things to buy, or trips to make, but all of those things will never make her happy. I would start with working less, if possible, and investing more time into the marriage.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You need to control your wife's spending it's as simple as that. Perhaps have your check deposited in your own account and give her cash as you see fit.


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## trying4forever (Jul 8, 2011)

You really need to sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel and put her on a budget! If you couldn't work tomorrow what then? If you can break your back to provide her with this lifestyle she needs to show some appreciation! Good LUCK!


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## hoehandle (Jul 11, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> What is she doing with her weekends?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I always know where she is going and it is always someplace that we are both familiar with. Friends, relatives, church functions.
The only thing that concerns me about this is the fact that she spends the time away from home @ the only time I'm home.

I get the feeling she just assumes I'll always be there no matter what and frankly, I'm a little tired of being used as a cash cow. I've told her this.

hoe


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## hoehandle (Jul 11, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> 70-80 hours a week makes it difficult to invest time in a marriage, and lowering your qualitity of life is significantly more difficult than raising it. But you already knew those things. Have you tried counseling? What happens if you try to share with your wife how you are doing? What would be her perspective with all of this? To me it looks like your wife is trying to buy happiness. There will always be things to buy, or trips to make, but all of those things will never make her happy. I would start with working less, if possible, and investing more time into the marriage.



I'm not sure the company I'm currently working for would allow me to work to many less hours. Everybody in this business is working big guns right now. We are all trying to play catch up on the availability of high speed internet to the rural masses. There are simply not enough people trained to do this without everyone working insane hours.

My schedule is this: I leave home on Monday morning and drive 4-500 miles to a job. I spend 2 weeks there working 10-13 hours per day 7 days a week and drive home. Sometimes I can be home for 4 days sometimes 2 just depending on how creative I can be with excuses to stay home.

I've mentioned counseling and I don't think she wants to go. She is a very private person; I know that. Another issue is that how can we go to counseling when I'm gone all the time????
I've been beating my head over this one for a year or more.
I've actually told her that if this continues that I may quit my job and just come home because I didn't think anyone should have to sacrifice there life so others can live the lifestyle they want.
To her credit she is a hard working woman that makes a good wage herself. All that and taking care of the kids and there needs on top of it all.
The trouble is she never stops and thinks before she starts shoveling out dough for stuff. She says she doesn't have time.


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## hoehandle (Jul 11, 2011)

trying4forever said:


> You really need to sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel and put her on a budget! If you couldn't work tomorrow what then? If you can break your back to provide her with this lifestyle she needs to show some appreciation! Good LUCK!


We've been around and around with this one. My next move is to get an account she can't get into and dole the money to her. I really don't want to do that. It'll make me feel like an Oger or something!!!


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

hoehandle said:


> My schedule is this: I leave home on Monday morning and drive 4-500 miles to a job. I spend 2 weeks there working 10-13 hours per day 7 days a week and drive home. Sometimes I can be home for 4 days sometimes 2 just depending on how creative I can be with excuses to stay home.


You really seam to be thinking this through. I think that is great! Again, if working comes at the expense of your marriage, you might need to decide what is more important. Think back to what you and your wife did when you were dating. You probably spent a lot of time together, talked frequently, and did things together. Those are some of the things that help build a relationship. I imagine spending time together and talking helped you develop a greater love for her. Now, do the opposite by not spending much time with her, not talking very often, and not doing anything together and the relationship will start to fizzle out. I honestly think she might be trying to use money to compensate for the lack of a relationship you guys have.


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## hoehandle (Jul 11, 2011)

OK, I just re-read this post. Over 1 year later and the only thing that has changed is I've gotten my wife on a budget and we are beginning to gather some money in savings. That's a good thing.
My issue now is still no time together. She runs incessantly!! I've talked to her about it and she says it is the house; it's too small. She's right it is to small. There is too much stuff in it. We can't seem to let go of anything. My teenage daughter and my wife have both held onto anything and everything they have ever gotten.
As an example: At one point my wife found a dining room table she just had to have. I said OK, under one condition, you get rid of the one you have. She agreed. A few weeks later I come home and low and behold I find the old one stashed in the rafters of the garage.
In her defense I have a lot of stuff too, however, I've been working on cleaning out for awhile. I now have room on the rack in my closet and in the drawers of my dresser.

I would get a different house; we have equity in this place so it wouldn't be a problem selling it. That said; I don't want to take on a large mortgage so close to retirement. We could do it if we sold the small farm and moved to town. We could by a larger house in town. The problem is my wife has two horses that she refuses to get rid of. She is very emotionally attached to them although she never uses them.
so if we sold the small farm and bought a small farm with a larger house we would have to go so far into debt I would never be able to pay it off by the time I retire. Right now we are on track to have our little farm paid off in 10 yrs. that is the year I turn 65.

I'm still spending weekends alone with the kids and sometimes they aren't even there now.

The hoehandle is about broken. I'm about ready to run for my life!!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She is a hoarder (and you) then complains that the house is too small so she spends weekends away from it?...seriously?

No way to getting a bigger house. All that will do is give her more space to hoard & she will still be away every weekend.

Why can't you hang with her on the weekends with her family & friends?


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

The fact that she kept the old dining room table doesn't seem to have anything to do with your real problems. Why did you spend so much time explaining that? It must be relevant somehow.

Your real problem is that you never spend time together, and she doesn't seem to be interested in spending time with you. You ARE a cash cow. If everything is how you've described it, it seems to me that she really doesn't care about you much at all. You're just a fixture that provides her stuff for her. Sorry to sound so harsh, but that's what it looks like.

If you divorce, you know you're probably gonna end up with some serious alimony payments. How old are your kids? You'll have to pay child support, too. Might be wise to wait until the kids are grown if you can stand it that long.

But from this side of my computer screen, it doesn't seem that you really have much of a marriage at all. If I were you, I would start thinking of the greener pastures I want to eventually move to.

Or try counseling for a while. 

Don't forget that this is YOUR decision. It's not anyone else's.


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## hoehandle (Jul 11, 2011)

I wouldn't go so far as to classify her as a hoarder . . .yet. Unchecked her future could be thus; no doubt.
As far as the size of the house; it is a small house; there is no arguing that point it is barely 1000 sq. ft. That said it doesn't need to be walled with furniture with nary a square inch of bare space on the walls.
You are right, and I've already shuddered at the thought, that a larger house would end up too small as well. So I really don't believe a larger house is the ultimate answer.The last question you answered I don't know if you can understand what it is like to be away from home 5 days a week 52 weeks a year. But this is how I feel; when I get off work on Friday I want to go to my home and spend time. That said I do go to her mothers to friends but I refuse to do it every weekend or even every other weekend. I want to spend time at home period.
Also the last thing I feel like doing when I get home on the weekend is DRIVE more. I drive anywhere from 6-900 miles per week at my job. I want to stay home. I don't really think that is to much to ask.
I don't expect my wife to be there every weekend either but you must understand. She has not been home, other than to sleep, on a weekend during the day for probably 6 weeks; maybe 2 months. She always says when she is home I don't talk to her. This could be partially true. I am very hard of hearing and I am an introvert. Not a good combination.
BTW I do have hearing aids and they help but hearing aids are not like glasses. Hearing aids will not give a person perfect hearing like glasses will perfect sight in most cases.

Below is an excerpt of an email I wrote her just Monday.

I quote:
"It is not your conversation I miss as much as it is your presence in my life. Don't get me wrong; when you feel like it you can be very engaging in a conversation; you are one of the most dynamic thinkers I know. You just don't get serious all that much; you are such a goof. I like that part of you too; but when you are goofing it just doesn't take much interaction on my part I guess. But lets face it you talk a lot and I'm just not as chit chatty as you are. That said, I could set beside you for a very long time without saying anything; just taking up space together. You and me. I Love You."

So it isn't that I am not trying to communicate my thoughts & needs with her.

Hoe


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## hoehandle (Jul 11, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> The fact that she kept the old dining room table doesn't seem to have anything to do with your real problems. Why did you spend so much time explaining that? It must be relevant somehow.


The relevance of this is only to give an example of how she refuses to get rid of things.

& I know; I feel like a cash cow.
& I know it is my decision; I just don't want to make it.
All this said I love this little woman. Probably too much!!!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry OP but she doesn't love you

at best, you're an ATM

At worst, she's replaced you with someone else. If I were you, I'd investigate and see what she's up to and with whom

Hey, I may be wrong but at least this way you'll be able to rule it out


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## back2whoiwas (Oct 22, 2012)

I read what you said concerning finances. For both of you to be working--with you paying the bills-- and still have no money, something's really wrong with this picture. Have you ever considered "Financial Peace University?" It's a program for married and single people to learn to manage money. I have gone through it. It's really neat and fun to learn from, watch and do. 

But, in order for this program to have long term affects, both of you need to be on board, together. Or else, it wouldn't work. I wouldn't dream of suggesting that she be on an allowance; you may have to sit her down and have a heart-to-heart. Perhaps you could let her know that money is tight. 

So many marriages break up because of financial troubles. I hope that this can work out for the better. And I wish you the best, hoehandle.


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