# Help, at a loss what to do



## tommyknocker (Aug 23, 2012)

Hello all. I am in a tough situation. My wife and I have 3 children. Ages 5,4, and 3. Daughter is 5, two boys are 4 and 3. The 2 boys are very loud, and constantly fight with each other, in the process screaming very loud. Also the elder sister goads each of them on, making them scream and fight even more. About two weeks ago, my 4 yr old pushed my 3 year old into the table, busting his lip. He had to get 3 or 4 stitches, hospital sent him home. Apparently a neighbor seen the stitches and has also heard the screaming ( we live in an apartment building ) and decided to call Child protective services. 

CPS showed up at our door tuesday evening, asked to come in and speak. We let them, they asked to see the kids. We showed them, the CPS agents said they seen no bruises, the kids looked ok..ect..Today another one came by and said the case was unfounded, there was no evidence of abuse or neglect and they were dropping it. This is good, bc my nerves have been shot since tuesday.

I have never abused my children. Yes I have occasionally given a swat on the butt with my hand to get their attention,or to get them to obey for 5 minutes lol, or popped a hand reaching for the stove. But since the CPS agents came, my wife and I are terrified to perform any kind of discipline what so ever. And the kids are basically doing whatever they want. We stopped putting them in time out, stopped taking their toys, bc they scream in anger and we don't want anyone thinking we are hurting them and call CPS again. So now they have the rule of the house. The daughter is even doing things, then smirking bc she knows she will get away with it...We are both terrified of losing our kids and at our wits end bc they are not being disciplined. ty


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Can you approach your neighbour? if so, thank her for her concern for the welfare of your children and explain that they can tend to be a bit noisy when being disiplined, but you do have to disipline them.
Explain how you use time out, that sometimes the kids cry & scream.
Remain polite & calm with the neighbour, reasure them that CPS found your children to be well cared for, however, you do need to continue to disipline them.
Children can be a challenge, but if you are not in control of them, they will cause you a lot of grief, as well as those around them.
I have 5, they are all older now, however, my 3 boys were very close in age like yours. We had to constantly be on top of them. It must also be hard in an apartment, at least we had a big yard with trees & things for the boys to run around in.
The main thing is, You & your wife have to get the children back under control.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

tommyknocker said:


> Daughter is 5, two boys are 4 and 3. The 2 boys are very loud, and constantly fight with each other, in the process screaming very loud. Also the elder sister goads each of them on, making them scream and fight even more.


Set the older one straight, the other two will get the message.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

tommyknocker said:


> But since the CPS agents came, my wife and I are terrified to perform any kind of discipline what so ever. And the kids are basically doing whatever they want. We stopped putting them in time out, stopped taking their toys, bc they scream in anger and we don't want anyone thinking we are hurting them and call CPS again. So now they have the rule of the house. The daughter is even doing things, then smirking bc she knows she will get away with it...We are both terrified of losing our kids and at our wits end bc they are not being disciplined. ty


I can totally understand why you are gun shy after a CPS visit. That said, you need to get over your fear by learning what is and isn't legal in your state.

You have to use discipline. Learn what your state laws say about parental discipline. You will probably be amazed at what you are actually allowed to do (not that you will want to do everything that is theoretically legal to do...)

I have seen firsthand what happens to children who have not been subject to discipline when they are young, and never learn appropriate boundaries for their behavior. They usually become uncontrollable hellions in their teen years. 

You don't want that. Believe me.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Sounds like you guys are really struggling! I'm sorry you've been under so much stress.

Were this pre-CPS involvement, I would have suggested some parenting books for help with consistent discipline- the one we refer to often is 1-2-3 magic but I rarely work from book. However, I think you guys are at the point where you could use some extra help. Effective discipline can be VERY hard! I think a lot of parents judge parents who struggle with it because they had easier kids, but some kids just have more energy and are more stubborn or ADD or dominant or who knows what else lol. Honestly, your best bet is to find a therapist who does parenting help, either in a group or family session. They can provide specific interventions that might help your kids (like a behavior chart, how to structure time out, etc), and can provide feedback on how your progress goes and help you adjust in response to what your kids throw at you. 

The important things to remember about discipline is that it should be:
1. fitting to the crime- whining does not equal no t.v. for the rest of the week.
2. appropriate for their age- the usual rule is 1 minute of time out per age.
3. immediate (can be adjusted as they age but not for their ages now)- a child should lose a privilege coming up (no dessert with dinner when you're at the table, tv or game or toy taken away right then, time out right then). telling them they can't go to the park three days from now won't matter much to young kids- it's not an effective consequence until they're a little older.
4. consistent- between kids (with some adjustments for things like time of time out, for example), for the same "crimes" (hitting your sister one day shouldn't have a punishment that different from hitting your sister the next day), and between parents. 
5. controlled- no yelling, no threatening, no physical punishment, although physically picking up a kid and placing them in time out is often required.

You can also watch Nanny 911 on Netflix.  That's a half-joke, but they do actually a lot of effective disciplinary things on the show, it's just not necessarily the best format to learn them. 


Hope that helps!


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