# Mother issues



## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

OK, this forum has helped me with ex-husband issues, now its time to ask advice on my mother. One of the reasons I have issues (with sex, with trust, with life in general) is because of childhood sexual abuse (mentioned on another thread, but since deleted) by a cousin and my grandfather. This was many years ago, and it has left permanent damage, but I have learned to try to work around it in my own way - what is in the past is in the past. 
But what I can't seem to come to terms with is the way my mother has always dis-regarded my feelings about it, and it has come to the point where I don't even want to be around her anymore. My son just visited, and she was also here, and I had to sit and bite my tongue while she went on and on to my son about her father and what a great guy he was, would do anything for her and her sister, was such a caring person, blah blah blah. I had told her about her father and what he did years ago,and her response was "Oh you were a cute kid and grandma couldn't have sex anymore". I tried to ignore this obscene statement from her for years, but now I really can't take her constantly bringing up my grandfather every time I see her. I am ready to explode next time she does it, which would not solve anything. The weird thing is that other than that, we get along pretty good, and have a lot of similar characteristics. She is 92 now, so I feel that maybe I just waited too long to try to resolve this issue with her and now its too late and to just grin and bear it, since she won't be around too much longer anyway. But then there will be the realization that I never had a genuine relationship with my mother. But i'm thinking that maybe she is just too dense to let it sink in that her father was a child molester, and is she too old to even try to broach the subject anymore?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Wow, this is a difficult situation. I was thinking the whole time reading your posts that you need to have a quiet sit down with her and calmly remind her what her father did to you and that you have been permanently scared by this and that you do not ever want to hear his name mentioned in your presence again. Then I read that she is 92. I am not sure, I guess it depends on what shape she is in. Does she have all her senses? Is she emotionally fragile, etc.?

At the same time, you need to consider your feelings. Once she is gone, you will never be able to discuss this with her again, if infact, you need to do this for self healing.

Have you ever thought that maybe your mother won't admit what happened because it is too horrible for her to face?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Howdy JWTBL:

Agree with the observations that at 92, it is too late and what of any “resolution” that could be had? Would it really matter anymore? I’m assuming your grandfather has long since passed away.

As we get older we oftentimes need reconcile and justify the past where it does not fit with the “bigger picture” of how we want to, need to, understand our past as we contemplate our mortality. For some folks this can be a bigger need than for others. I personally watched this with my grandfather and his experiences in WW I.

From what your mother has said to you regarding this event, it appears this is what’s going on in her head. Cognitive dissidence is the technical term, I believe, but from a layman’s term she is trying to balance out what she knows, intellectually, was a very large wrong by those things that she also knows (or wishes) where right in her life. 

Any attempt to “reconcile”/”set the record straight” will, in her mind, not be something about what happened between you and your grandfather but rather an attack upon her; and notwithstanding whether that may or may not be deserved (i.e., she may have been knowing/complicit when this all happened) I just don’t believe any closure/peace of mind with come to you (or her for that matter) at this stage in the game.

I'm sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Most men who molest children do it for their entire adult life and have many victims. It's highly likely that your mother and her sister were also molested by him. The same goes for other children in your extended family. 

Your mother is 92. She grew up in a time when the victims of CSA were discouraged to say anything about it. There was little to no help for them. Often they grew up to compartmentalize the bad that happened to them. To me this makes sense because there seems to be a quiet pact in your family to not talk about these things.

If this is the case, your mother cannot deal with what happened to you because then she'd have to open the door to that compartment where she keeps her own CSA issues. But she cannot do that because it would likely destroy her.

At 92, she's not going to be able to handle this. I do think it's best to just leave things well enough alone. There is plenty of help out there that you can get to help you heal. Take that route.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

I know you're all right, she really is too old to deal with any of this in a constructive way, but what if I just tell her to please not talk about him in my presence? I have to take the chance that her response would be something like "Oh, why, what's the problem?", which would make me cringe even more, but at least I would have let her know that talk about him bothers me, without going on about any of the rest of it. I really don't think I can tolerate another of her conversations about him, so it may be down to either I limit the contact I have with her to the extreme, until she dies, or let her know that there are certain topics that I really don't want to be part of. She still is pretty much totally with it, mentally, and isn't doing too bad physically either, so she could potentially be around for another 10 yrs - she has incredible longevity genes. I see her several times a month, and any family gathering or holiday is ruined for me because of this.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You could try to ask her. You could say something like
"Mom, I know you have fond memories of your father, unfortunately I don't share the same feelings towards him that you do. I don't want to hurt your feelings in any way, but I really would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk about him in my presence any more."

If she asks why, just tell her you do not wish to discuss it, but that you must insist she not bring him up in your presence again.

I too am sorry for your situation. I hope you find closure to this some day.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree with that suggestion. 

With her dismissive attitude when you discussed it previously, it's very likely she and her sister were molested as well. She's of my mother's generation and CSA absolutely wasn't acknowledged then. It was completely ignored. 

I hope you get some assistance in reconciling that time. It's difficult, I know.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

Yes, I think the only solution is to tell her how I feel, in as little detail as possible. I still love her as my mom, and know she has has her own troubles in her life, such as losing one of her children, and my father never treating her very nicely, but this thing between us is affecting my ability to enjoy my family. I feel like they're all co-conspirators or something. It's weird that several people I have shared this with have said that they think her and her sister have also been exposed to my grandfathers sexual perversion - it was something I never considered, but could very well be possible. This sort of thing just wasn't dealt with in their day perhaps. But I guess what set me off just recently was her talking to my son about the Penn State thing, where sexual molestation of the athletes was occurring and being covered up by others in position of power. She actually said to my son "How can these people live with themselves, covering up these things that are going on under their noses?" And she has several times talked about how terrible it is that the Catholic Church has covered up child sexual abuse. And also, she worked with emotionally disturbed children, and never bothered to notice that her own daughter had emotional issues? In fact, I had horrible nightmares until I was like 13 yrs. old, and didn't even know why! I know there is not much anyone can do here, but just being able to vent all this into cyberspace, with maybe a few people willing to listen and empathize, is a great help to me. Thanks all!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

In all honesty, this should have been brought up with her a long time ago but then lord only knows it wouldn't be the easiest subject to broach.

No doubt that with you mothers age, she rug swept it away a long time ago and over time, white washed it to her standards so it would be a more livable thing to deal with. 

I really feel for you and no doubt that every time his name is brought up, it rips the scab off the wound. 

My suggestion is when she brings up your fathers name, either change the subject ASAP or leave the room. 

No matter what you say to her, she already changed it around so long ago that she would think that your were lying about your dad. It's a lose-lose situation.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

Yes, she has definitely re-assessed the whole story to fit her view of the world, and she is too old to change it now, but I think I still need to get her to stop talking about him (by the way, it is my grandfather, her father, not MY father who was the molester. My father never liked my grandfather, probably because he sensed there was something off about him, yet my mother could never understand why!).


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Sounds like she has blocked out all the violence that happened to her and re-wrote her past to something that she can live with. 

She must have had a horrible child hood.

Again, I am really sorry for all your pain. I have no empathy for child molesters. They are all monsters.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'm sorry JWTBL. You don't deserve what you have to still deal with.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JWTBL said:


> I had told her about her father and what he did years ago,and her response was "Oh you were a cute kid and grandma couldn't have sex anymore".


OMG I cannot even imagine how you could have a relationship with someone who would say something so vile, unless she's suffering from alzheimers/dementia and didn't know what she was saying.



> _I tried to ignore this obscene statement from her for years, but now I really can't take her constantly bringing up my grandfather every time I see her. I am ready to explode next time she does it, which would not solve anything._


Sure it would. It would probably convince her not to mention her father again, and that would at least solve that problem. 



JWTBL said:


> But I guess what set me off just recently was her talking to my son about the Penn State thing, where sexual molestation of the athletes was occurring and being covered up by others in position of power. She actually said to my son "How can these people live with themselves, covering up these things that are going on under their noses?"


You should have told her: "what was so wrong with it? They were really cute kids and Jerry Sandusky's wife probably couldn't have sex anymore."


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

OP, you might check out the website Emerging From Broken :: Emerging From Broken.

The entire website is dedicated to supporting adults who suffered childhood abuse of any kind. This is not the site to visit if you want to rugsweep. This website aims at helping people confront their abuse and/or learn to deal with their abusers and cope with the aftermath. 

I think anyone who tells you that your mom is too old to be confronted is a proud rugsweeper. Your mom had the same opinion of your abuse before she got old as she does now, right?

Also, her statement that you were a cute kid is disgusting. That alone is proof that she is sane and present enough to realize what happened to you AND condone it.

Do you want to know how the cycle of sexual abuse continues? Abusers see that there is no accountability for them and continue to abuse. Also, enablers of abusers see that there are no consequences for enabling so what do they continue to do? They continue to enable.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

What is your goal though? What are you going to gain if your mother confirms/accepts it? 

You see, you will accomplish NOTHING.

Move on and do your best to completely forget about the horrible past you experienced. When the thoughts come up, think about other things (I know it's not/won't be easy).


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