# Stomach in knots! Please help me!



## LostLady (Nov 4, 2012)

I can't believe that I have found the courage to actually ask for others advice. I'm lost and confused.

Where do I start? Three summers ago I found out my husband was talking on the phone with a female co-worker. He suggested it was nothing more than him trying to help her out with her relationship issues. I struggled with this and he fought to keep our marriage together.

Two summers ago, he came home from work one day and stated he thought we needed a break. I told him I didn't think we needed one. Didn't know what was up with him! About two weeks later he told me he wanted a divorce to to get the **** out of his house. I packed the kids up and left! Few days later I came back and told him he didn't get to kick me and the kids out. He apologized and said he didn't want a divorce. He loved me and wanted us to be a family..... Well the rest of the summer was up and down.

I decided to see a therapist and told him he needed to see one as well if he wanted us to work. I thought things were going fine until I caught him at a divorce lawyers office drawing up paperwork in January 2012. I confronted him when he got home and he was of course dumbfounded. He left and I thought that was that. The next day he calls me crying and saying he didn't know what he was thinking. He loved me and the kids and didn't want to break us up. Stupid me believed him and let him come back home! I told him we needed to do marriage counseling. He actually agreed. Before he said we didn't need it. 

I forgot to mention that my husband is greiving from his fathers death 12 years ago! Yes 12 years ago! He is now finally deciding to greive the death?!? By doing this he leaves for the weekend to supposidly sit by the grave site and talk to his parents. Yes, this may be true some of the time, but I have caught him doing other things to (playing softball is one of them). I have caught him in several lies as well.

So, I thought things were going much better. We have been doing marriage counseling for a while now. Last week he told our therapist that we are doing great! Which I thought we were too. However, I was shocked to find out that he took his cell phone off of our plan and went on a plan with a co-worker (yes the same woman as before) and went to the lawyers office again!! Wednesday he wanted a divorce and now today he doesn't!!!! When I asked him why he wants a divorce it is beacause he feels he doesn't make me happy anymore. I don't show him enough love and affections. No crap! Why would I be all over you when you lie to me and want a divorce all the time?

I can't do this up and down emotional roller-coaster anymore. But, at the same time I love him and and know that he makes these irrational and stupid decisions when he is feeling depressed. I don't know what to do. My head is telliing me that nothing is going to change and that we can keep working on this but until he deals with his fathers death nothing will change. But, then my heart says I need to stay and be here for him. 

I'm in so much pain now that part of me thinks I should just go on with the divorce so that I can get closer to being done with it. I just don't know what to do!! Please help me!!!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

STOP for a minute and take a DEEP BREATH!

Take a look at what your KIDS are witnessing ON A DAILY BASIS! WTH kind of idea are THEY getting about what marriage is? A revolving door?!? Every argument means someone gets thrown out of the house, but they get to come back when everything calms down?

I do NOT buy the 12-year DELAYED GRIEF story...not for ONE MINUTE. He may be grieving, but THAT is NOT the cause of this jack-azz behavior.

I *DO*, however, believe that he is in an affair with this co-worker (at least Emotional Affair, quite probably a Physical Affair).

THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR to you and to your kids. THREE YEARS of this cr*p is MORE THAN enough for THEM and for YOU!

1.) Kick him out NOW.
2.) File for divorce NOW.
3.) Change your MC for IC so you can concentrate on what is best for YOU and for YOUR CHILDREN. THEY should be your #1 concern!
4.) You can ALWAYS put the divorce on 'hold' IF (and ONLY IF) your H shows honest, substantial, long-term (6 months or longer) change in his thinking AND his behavior. If he doesn't, then keep the divorce rolling forward.

You're living on the Crazy Train and your children are unwitting passengers, too. Get off at the next stop!

If you're unsure what honest, substantial, long-term change in behavior means for a spouse who has been/is a cheater, go to the Coping With Infidelity section of this website and check some threads.


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## LostLady (Nov 4, 2012)

Thanks for the advice! I know this is what I have to do. I know the kids and I will be better off. My head is telling me to run, run as fast as I can, but my heart is telling me to wait.... ERRR..

How do I get the strength to actually do what my head is telling me to do??


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## Complexities (Oct 25, 2012)

Respect yourself and your children before him. He has not shown you very much respect. Dont give him any ahead of you and them. Take care of yourself!


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

LostLady said:


> Thanks for the advice! I know this is what I have to do. I know the kids and I will be better off. My head is telling me to run, run as fast as I can, but my heart is telling me to wait.... ERRR..
> 
> How do I get the strength to actually do what my head is telling me to do??


No, you have this the wrong way round: your heart is telling you to run but your head (including all your fears) is telling you to wait.
You will only ever be happy if you follow your heart.


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