# Just Wondering



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

I guess this would be a question for the LD person in the relationship.As a HD male,I have to wonder how much of being a LD person has to do with attraction to your partner.As being a HD"er I feel I put out a lot of effort to correct the difference between us.But really don't work on the attraction stuff much.My wife says her lack of interest has nothing to do with me.Its her problem? What do you think???


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm HD now but when i was married i was LD.it was not bc i wasn't attracted to him,it was because i was miserable.
I've always been ld in past relationships but i think it's bc i was never with the right kind of person.i was always attracted to them but they just weren't right for me.

I'm sure there are many factors playing into the LD thing for your wife. But from my personal experience,LD always meant bigger issues in the relationship.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Depends on how LD is defined.

I think I have a lower drive than my partner. I'm not always thinking about sex, nor am I ready to go at moment's notice - I need to get turned on in order to be in the mood. But I'm generally always open to getting in the mood, enjoy sex with him, do plenty of initiating and focusing on sex, and don't turn him down unless I'm not feeling well. My drive has nothing to do with my attraction for him because I'm very attracted and love being with him. That's how I've always been.

I think if LD is defined as not wanting sex with your partner much, not being open to it, and preferring to avoid it, then you might have attraction or _other relationship issues _getting in the way.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I wonder similar things. My wife gets in "funks" I guess is the best way to put it. She is a very attractive woman. Very petite. She's 28 years old, looks barely 20, and can still shop in the Juniors section.

But when she is in her "funk" she basically thinks she ugliest most disgusting being on the planet. She will barely let me even look at her while she's changing let alone touch her or try to initiate anything. I have no clue what to do or say because I get the typical "you are lying", "you are just saying that", etc.

But other times she snaps out of it and it's like someone gave her a confidence pill. THEN, things can are great!

But the confidence times are much fewer and farther in-between than the "funk" times.

It's like when I wake up or get home from work, I'm not sure which wife I'm coming home to...


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

During the few times when I felt LD, it was because of what was going on in my head- my personal confidence.
If my H did something annoying or wasn't being helpful, that would compound the problem..basically giving me more reason to not want. 'it.' 
If I 'felt gross, ' all bets were off. No way would I want to engage in anything intimate.
It is very hard to believe, even an honest husband, when our minds are so sure about our undesirable-ness...(not sure that's even a word!)
I figured I was his only outlet so, his only choice anyway- 
I'm MUCH better about this now, but I understand how a negative mind can do a number on one's sexuality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

I went through a long period of being low-drive in my early to mid twenties. It had NOTHING to do with my attraction to my spouse. Part of it was in my head (feeling ugly, too tired and lazy to want to deal with the whole "rigamaroll" of the process, rather watch tv and just cuddle). Mostly, I just looked at the whole thing through my lens on sex. Sex was just an extra to me. It wasn't important. I didn't see it the way my husband did and things got very bad for us for awhile. He didn't do a good job of explaining his take on it and it took me going to the internet to see other men's opinions for me to figure it all out.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

OK. You guys are speaking my language here. I don't want to take over the thread, but you guys sound EXACTLY like my wife. What can I do to help her out of this stuff?

I would say I'm a good husband. We both work full time. We share household duties, although I would say I do more of them. I do all of the cooking. I do the dishes. She does laundry. We share in cleaning, like I will always do the kitchen and the dirty parts of the bathroom, she does the bedrooms, with both share in the other common areas. I take the kids to school/babysitter in the morning and pick them up after work. 

Even then, I could understand if she had a bad day of work, or stressed out, things like that. But when she gets on kicks about how gross she is, I'm lost. 

I've kind of tried explaining my views on sex, but what ends up happening is she turns that against me basically. Basically she ends up getting depressed because by me saying that I like sex (no matter how I put it), In her mind, I just told her I'm going to leave her because she won't want to have sex with me enough.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

GPR, sounds to me like she has some confidence issues, and perhaps some unresolved childhood issues, and either couples counseling or individual counseling for her could be helpful.

We went through a round of counseling earlier this year, my wife worked through some childhood issues (neglect, abuse, death of a sibling, Catholic upbringing, etc.). But it took the counselor talking about it to her individually before she understood that for me, sex was a deep emotional need. Despite my contention for years that it was emotional and not physical, my wife was convinced that my drive for sex was just my manly need to "get off" and nothing more.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

She does have childhood issues, security issues, self-confidence issues, abandonment issues. I've tried to get her to go to counseling. She won't do it. She went to counseling when she was younger and from what she says, the counselor was a complete moron, and from what she has told me, he kind of was, but she uses that as her excuse to not go back.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

GPR said:


> OK. You guys are speaking my language here. I don't want to take over the thread, but you guys sound EXACTLY like my wife. What can I do to help her out of this stuff?
> 
> I would say I'm a good husband. We both work full time. We share household duties, although I would say I do more of them. I do all of the cooking. I do the dishes. She does laundry. We share in cleaning, like I will always do the kitchen and the dirty parts of the bathroom, she does the bedrooms, with both share in the other common areas. I take the kids to school/babysitter in the morning and pick them up after work.
> 
> ...


Consider that you are doing too much of the chores? If your description is accurate, you are not dividing the chores up. Some women are turned off by a guy who does too much around the house. I think that can happend due to the servant nature of the work. For example, if you are doing all the cooking, why isn't she contributing to the mean by helping with the clean up? Otherwise, it is use cooking and serving the mean to her. Nice on occasion, but not a good regular attitude.

You know your wife and the situation better, but consider whether you have taken on that dynamic.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I agree. I'm working on not being the nice guy. That's what brought me back here. It's a lot easier to give people advice about it than to do it yourself sometimes... 

What makes it hard for me is she doesn't fight or argue. I can handle a fight or an argument anytime. But if suggest something like that, she does the whole thing where she gets depressed, and tells me how horrible of a wife she is, how horrible of a person she is, and there is know way that I love her, etc. etc. etc.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> Depends on how LD is defined.
> 
> I think I have a lower drive than my partner. I'm not always thinking about sex, nor am I ready to go at moment's notice - I need to get turned on in order to be in the mood. But I'm generally always open to getting in the mood, enjoy sex with him, do plenty of initiating and focusing on sex, and don't turn him down unless I'm not feeling well. My drive has nothing to do with my attraction for him because I'm very attracted and love being with him. That's how I've always been.
> 
> I think if LD is defined as not wanting sex with your partner much, not being open to it, and preferring to avoid it, then you might have attraction or _other relationship issues _getting in the way.


I really believe that this, coupled with how a couple deals with everyday friction, really makes or breaks the sex life. If both, but in particular the LD partner, are able to navigate through the day to day issues that pop up, sex is not much of an issue. But all too often, the LD partner is not willing to let things go, or allows them to get in the way of letting their HD partner get them in the mood.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

GPR~ To help your wife with the things I talked about, your best bet is to be encouraging of her. It's very important to show her how attractive she is to you, especially when she's feeling low.
I have loosened up soooo much with the encouragement from my hubby. He totally kisses me & wants to get nasty first thing in the morning & says he does not give a crap about morning breath, hairy legs, etc..ha! I did not believe him until he ravaged me on several different occasions. 
So knowing he really wanted me regardless was a libido charge for me. 
If you can, let her catch you checking her out, admiring her & give her a sexy little smile when she catches you.
Just say you can't help it Basically, do things that show you do not care what she's looking like, you are attracted to HER, in every form.
That helped me so much!
Good Luck! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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