# Found out Husband was texting coworker



## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

We had problems with my husband texting a female co worker about four years ago. It took a long time but I regained all trust back, and more. We have since had two more children and I know for a fact that we are my husband's life. (We have 5 children, 2 from my previous marriage and then our 3) We are everything to him and there would be no point to his life if we are gone. But my husband compromised the boundaries of our marriage by texting this co worker. He says that he would never put our marriage or family into jeopardy. But in my opinion, he did!!! 
I never look at our phone bill but for some reason I did and I went into text messages and was alarmed by the amount. Long story short I confronted him and he lied about who it was (a male co worker) and then I did more digging (never came up with much more) and I did more thinking and realized that I couldn't believe his story. I accused him of it being a female and he came clean..or as clean as he needed to pacify me. 
He says that he did nothing wrong, they were just friends and that he doesnt care if he has to end talking to her. 
I looked at the phone bill again this morning..it went on for about 7 weeks. she contacted him, first (according to him, she got his number off of a posted board at work). i can tell that she contacted him more often than vice versa. in fact there are many days that she texted him and he didnt even respond. the texts take place during work days and hours except for two different days..and those are very brief. (oh and he was texting her while driving home from work in the mornings!!! this ticks me off the most, for some reason.)
Soooo...i totally flipped out when i confronted him about it being a girl that he was texting..i was way up into his face, etc. not how i would normally act, although i have always been a jealous spouse (i think because of his previous actions). I thought that I was going to lose it. I have since calmed down, of course. I brought the topic up, again the next day or two after all the make-up s*x and his reassurance of how much he loves me, etc. (which was wonderful and i dooooo know that my husband loves me to the end of the earth..not just by words but by his actions..he does so much for me, hes so helpful, always trying to make my life easier (up until now). This is really hard for me. I am so shocked. He says that my questions and jealousy have to stop..that im acting crazy.
*What do I need to do or say to make him understand that what he did was wrong..and that i am not crazy for wondering and worrying, now*. 
I dont even know when to talk to him. we are so busy with the kids and he works days now and doesnt get off till 6 with a long commute, getting home at 7 at night(he was transferred about 2 weeks ago, so they dont work together anymore, either). We are both full time students (classes online)..I homeschool and am sahm to our kids ages 14 yo to 14 months.
Ive had a range of emotions..first anger, fear and panic..then over the weekend i actually cried..yesterday i didnt do too bad and i was feeling very in love him (im fasting and praying). today im mad and anxious..wish that i could just leave him but i DO NOT want to put all five kids through that!!! ive even considered that if it came to it, i would change our marriage dynamics to an open marriage..crazy i know, but i do not want to tear apart my family.
my husband looked like he had been hit by a bus when he left for work this morning. hes soooo tired..we both are.
he said that i was going to give him a heart attack with all my questioning and craziness. i said, you brought that on yourself. didnt you feel like you were going to have a heart attack when you were sitting there texting her every night?
does everything that we discuss about this have to be face to face or can i do emails and texts with the stuff that i just want him to think about. i thought about texting him a prayer this morning that i am hoping that we can both pray. (about keeping our hearts guarded and respecting the boundaries of our marriage..etc)


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Something about this seems off to me. What were they texting about? It sounds as if more was/is going on. He may love you and the family you have built, but that doesn't make him immune to cheating. Has he told you what they were texting about so often and for 7 weeks? Take it from someone who knows.. it doesn't sound innocent to me. I'd look into it further. He's not going to give you the answers you need. You'll have to find another way.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

oh and if my post wasnt long enough, i thought of a couple more things. how do i get through this without pushing him away or even pushing him into contacting her again? its soooo hard when you love your spouse soooooo much that you dont want to hurt them, even when they have hurt you. i am worried about his health. hes overweight and seems depressed. i know that he hates his job and that he hated his night job, too and that he was extremely bored and im sure that she brought him out of his "groundhog day"...i know that this is strange but i sort of feel bad about that..that i took away his "friend"..is that weird??? i want him to know that i love him but that im still hurting and angry. ive even considered seeing a counselor.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He may love you and the children to the ends of the earth, but he gets pleasure from hearing another woman tell him how terrific he is. With no strings attached--she doesn't criticize him or tell him the sink is backed up again or why didn't he come home early today and why did he forget to buy milk. It is a FANTASY and that is why he enjoys it so.

You need to get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It explains everything you didn't want to know about emotional affairs. (I'm starting to feel like I need to get a cut of her sales for touting this book so much. Sorry about that to the regulars!)

My husband was in a long-term EA. Like, 4.5 years. It is like an addiction for them. There is this ping of a reward that they get, validation, pleasure. It is just enough that they get hooked. Stopping once they've started is very, very hard.

It's hard enough for them to stop that you getting angry or feeling hurt is POINTLESS. It has ZERO effect. So stop wasting energy in that direction.

What you know right now is the tip of the iceberg. He's done this twice? What's to say he hasn't done it the entire time--you never checked his phone. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying that because I NEVER CHECKED MY HUSBAND'S PHONE AFTER FIRST CATCHING HIS EA BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER. Stupid, silly me! Addicts are liars and people in EAs like your husband truly act in every way like addicts (even though many people hate calling them that). Assume he is an addict, because this is how you are going to be able to cope.

Another huge issue I see is that you never have time together. Marriages need time. I'm going to say something terrifying, but experts say that you need at least 10 hours of UNINTERRUPTED, QUALITY ALONE TIME with your husband each week--15 is ideal--and people in a suffering marriage need about 20.

Please go and get that book. Right now I see you second-guessing yourself and vulnerable to 'gaslighting'--him telling you whatever you want to hear to get off his back. There is a (small) chance he will see himself in the pages of that book, our marriage counselor (MC) just recommended that my husband read it after I already had.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Something about this seems off to me. What were they texting about? It sounds as if more was/is going on. He may love you and the family you have built, but that doesn't make him immune to cheating. Has he told you what they were texting about so often and for 7 weeks? Take it from someone who knows.. it doesn't sound innocent to me. I'd look into it further. He's not going to give you the answers you need. You'll have to find another way.


he says that they were talking about work and the people at work. believe me..my mind goes crazy wondering. also, not that it matters but there were no phone calls what so ever.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> He may love you and the children to the ends of the earth, but he gets pleasure from hearing another woman tell him how terrific he is. With no strings attached--she doesn't criticize him or tell him the sink is backed up again or why didn't he come home early today and why did he forget to buy milk. It is a FANTASY and that is why he enjoys it so.
> 
> You need to get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It explains everything you didn't want to know about emotional affairs. (I'm starting to feel like I need to get a cut of her sales for touting this book so much. Sorry about that to the regulars!)
> 
> ...


thank you..i will get the book. but what do i say to him right now? its so hard. i want to text him..to reach out to him. to feel his reassurance that everything will be ok. i have a whole day ahead of me with 5 kids calling "mommy".


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I hope you didn't miss my lengthy post above, we cross-posted.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I hope you didn't miss my lengthy post above, we cross-posted.


if hes an addict then what are the chances of recovery? and yes, i wondered too if hes been doing this all along. i am not going to go back through the past year of the phone bill. i dont want to know. all i know right now is that i am MAD at him. i kept saying, how would u like it if i texted another man, etc..he of course said that he wouldnt care because he trusts me. blah blah blah


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Something about this seems off to me. What were they texting about? It sounds as if more was/is going on. He may love you and the family you have built, but that doesn't make him immune to cheating. Has he told you what they were texting about so often and for 7 weeks? Take it from someone who knows.. it doesn't sound innocent to me. I'd look into it further. He's not going to give you the answers you need. You'll have to find another way.


thank you! how will i find out? i called verizon and they said that its a legal process to get the texts and that they only keep 3 to 5 days worth.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

what kind of irl support do i need..i want to pick up the phone and call my sister and my mom but they arent going to be very understanding. they are going to be so upset with him, etc. and what if we work everything out and then all of my family is mad at him??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Without knowing what happened last time or the scope of what's going on this time, your reaction seems over the top to me, and would likely explain why your husband reacted the way he did when you initially asked him about it. I understand it might be tough, but if you can talk to him rationally about it, it would really help both of you to work through it.

Btw, what was the result from the other incident? Was it an emotional affair? What did you two do to make sure it didn't happen again? Did you address the issues that caused the incident? Or did it just get swept under the rug?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> Without knowing what happened last time or the scope of what's going on this time, your reaction seems over the top to me, and would likely explain why your husband reacted the way he did when you initially asked him about it. I understand it might be tough, but if you can talk to him rationally about it, it would really help both of you to work through it.
> 
> Btw, what was the result from the other incident? Was it an emotional affair? What did you two do to make sure it didn't happen again? Did you address the issues that caused the incident? Or did it just get swept under the rug?
> 
> ...


I totally disagree. This is not about her overreacting. I agree that being super emotional is not a way to handle this problem. But everything that she's saying is 100% in line with emotional affairs. Forgive me if you have personal experience with them, but I suspect you do not given your response.

You will not be able to read his texts without his phone. The phone company will not release them without a court order.

But you may be able to get a sense of how much / how often he is texting if you can view the phone bill oneline. Verizon provides a list of all the texts by phone number origination for the past month (but no further back than that). You have to access the online account. My husband had not created one so I made one for him. However, you have to use his email to do his, and the carrier of course sends him an email to say the account has been set up.

If you read Not Just Friends, which is quite a well-written book, you will see precisely why you are feeling the way that you do. Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise, it's the main reason why emotional affairs are so easy to fall into, because half the time people think they don't qualify as cheating.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

PBear said:


> Without knowing what happened last time or the scope of what's going on this time, your reaction seems over the top to me, and would likely explain why your husband reacted the way he did when you initially asked him about it. I understand it might be tough, but if you can talk to him rationally about it, it would really help both of you to work through it.
> 
> Btw, what was the result from the other incident? Was it an emotional affair? What did you two do to make sure it didn't happen again? Did you address the issues that caused the incident? Or did it just get swept under the rug?
> 
> ...


Well he admitted his faults..he changed his cell number..we both have passwords to everything now..except his work email..and my personal email. but ive seen in his work email and i doubt he would have personal stuff..i thought that i worked through alot of my insecurities..i began to trust again..from what ive read, we did not sweep it under the rug..so im just really really suprised..oh and yes it was an EA a few years ago.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> if hes an addict then what are the chances of recovery? and yes, i wondered too if hes been doing this all along. i am not going to go back through the past year of the phone bill. i dont want to know. all i know right now is that i am MAD at him. i kept saying, how would u like it if i texted another man, etc..he of course said that he wouldnt care because he trusts me. blah blah blah


To address this question: you should be alarmed about the addiction in the sense that it is hard to break. I think he can recover if you sense that he truly loves you and hasn't checked out of the marriage. But the truth is you hardly see him, so how do you really know?

You being angry and upset is to no effect. That worked with other issues in your marriage--like, let's say, he's always late. You tell him how much it bothers you, he works on fixing it.

So unfortunately like everyone else on the planet, you think, ok, he is doing something I find upsetting, we're married, he loves me, I will calmly tell him I don't like it, and voila, he's going to stop.

Emotional affairs do not work that way.

I sense that he really didn't think that the original co-worker texting problem was something wrong. THAT is a serious issue. I caught my husband three years ago for the first time in his EA (also lots of texting, emailing, phone calls). He KNEW it was wrong and never once made me try to feel otherwise. But still, that wasn't enough for him to end it. You have this additional hurdle to overcome which is why I'm so strongly recommending the book.

Do you have any thoughts on how to manage to spend more alone time with your husband? What was your reaction when I mentioned how much time you should be spending together alone? You are terrified of a divorce. This is something you need to address IMMEDIATELY. Babysitters are expensive, but they are far cheaper than counseling or divorce.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I totally disagree. This is not about her overreacting. I agree that being super emotional is not a way to handle this problem. But everything that she's saying is 100% in line with emotional affairs. Forgive me if you have personal experience with them, but I suspect you do not given your response.
> 
> You will not be able to read his texts without his phone. The phone company will not release them without a court order.
> 
> ...


We have cruddy phones that dont hold many texts plus he deleted his messgs..i do too though otherwise the phone runs real slow. i have looked at the past few months of the bill..we have online acct that we bith know about..i can see all the texts..they didnt have any pix texts. it started on 2/25 and ended the day i found out..last thursday. it was almost daily except for when he was home..i would have to say without counting that there were about 30 texts avg per work day.
hopefully barnes and noble has the book..i will drop by there today.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> We have cruddy phones that dont hold many texts plus he deleted his messgs..i do too though otherwise the phone runs real slow. i have looked at the past few months of the bill..we have online acct that we bith know about..i can see all the texts..they didnt have any pix texts. it started on 2/25 and ended the day i found out..last thursday. it was almost daily except for when he was home..i would have to say without counting that there were about 30 texts avg per work day.
> hopefully barnes and noble has the book..i will drop by there today.


30 per work day. WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much unless he has a valid work excuse. But you can easily determine that by how much he texts other co-workers and other friends.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> To address this question: you should be alarmed about the addiction in the sense that it is hard to break. I think he can recover if you sense that he truly loves you and hasn't checked out of the marriage. But the truth is you hardly see him, so how do you really know?
> 
> You being angry and upset is to no effect. That worked with other issues in your marriage--like, let's say, he's always late. You tell him how much it bothers you, he works on fixing it.
> 
> ...


thank you and i will be re-reading your helpful posts!! i would LOVE to be able to spend more time with my husband. I was kind of shocked at the amount of hours..thats a part time job. BUT i would LOVE that.. I have mentioned it to him and he usually disregards it. he loves to do stuff as a family. hes always planning stuff. in fact he just reserved a hotel room and we will be taking the kids to a waterpark and the beach for a couple of days.
when my husband worked nights, we all spent a tremendous time together as a family..all day really, until he went to bed in the late afternoon. 
i understand what u are saying about alone time..i will tell him that we have to make it priority!!!

so is it ok to for me to be extra loving toward my husband? my heart is so full of love for him..but i feel like i should be slamming things around and threatening to leave.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> 30 per work day. WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much unless he has a valid work excuse. But you can easily determine that by how much he texts other co-workers and other friends.


well 10 to 15 on his side and vice versa..so total of 30. it was definately not work related officially, it was gossip and who knows what else.

i looked at the texts that my husband and i send back and forth and its sometimes way more than that.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> thank you and i will be re-reading your helpful posts!! i would LOVE to be able to spend more time with my husband. I was kind of shocked at the amount of hours..thats a part time job. BUT i would LOVE that.. I have mentioned it to him and he usually disregards it. he loves to do stuff as a family. hes always planning stuff. in fact he just reserved a hotel room and we will be taking the kids to a waterpark and the beach for a couple of days.
> when my husband worked nights, we all spent a tremendous time together as a family..all day really, until he went to bed in the late afternoon.
> i understand what u are saying about alone time..i will tell him that we have to make it priority!!!
> 
> so is it ok to for me to be extra loving toward my husband? my heart is so full of love for him..but i feel like i should be slamming things around and threatening to leave.


This concerns me very much that he is essentially avoiding alone time with you. It is just too much like my husband. He loved family time. He loved being with the kids. But he'd put the kids to bed and then stay upstairs while I was downstairs and then he'd fall asleep on the floor in a kid's bedroom. Then he'd wake up, I'd be exhausted and have to go to bed alone. 

Now that he's out of the EA he can't spend enough alone time with me. He asked me to travel to NYC with him just so we could be on the train alone.

I don't tell you this to depress you. It's just that this is not a good sign.

Slamming doors and being angry won't work.

The only other idea I have is to insist on marriage counseling. The EA stuff is front and center. Carefully choose your counselor. Our first MC (3 years ago) was highly respected but not educated about infidelity. My husband said he'd ended his EA and the MC never once discussed the EA, why it happened, was my husband still in contact, how was I verifying that, NOTHING. So no small surprise, my husband resumed contact while we were in MC and we went for months and spent $$$$ for nothing.

After DD#2, I just finally found a counselor who is trained in infidelity and he knows all about emotional affairs. He pulled that book Not Just Friends right off the shelf and handed it to my husband. He told us I had to put tracking software on my husband's phone, that it was for both of us to hold him accountable, not just me. He discuss drafting a no contact letter to the EA partner that I verify and mail myself. I can't tell you how validating all of that was.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> This concerns me very much that he is essentially avoiding alone time with you. It is just too much like my husband. He loved family time. He loved being with the kids. But he'd put the kids to bed and then stay upstairs while I was downstairs and then he'd fall asleep on the floor in a kid's bedroom. Then he'd wake up, I'd be exhausted and have to go to bed alone.
> 
> Now that he's out of the EA he can't spend enough alone time with me. He asked me to travel to NYC with him just so we could be on the train alone.
> 
> ...


im so sorry that you have had to go through this..you are so blessed that you do have a husband that is willing work on things..going to a counselor with you is wonderful..im sorry for all the pain that im sure you have had to endure from his addiction.
well he doesnt like to go out because he doesnt want to leave the kids or thinks that they wont be ok..we have a very temperamental clingy two yo girl and a baby..the older kids would be fine..he doesnt avoid alone time with me at home..when he worked nights we would spend time as a family and then he and i would go upstairs and watch a movie together while the kids played almost every single day..hopefully sneak in a quicky..this may be tmi but we have a very passionate sex life and always have.. if im busy doing laundry and hes sitting around, he always calls my name and says whatcha doing? come sit with me or lay with me...now its a bit harder, well we are just adjusting to the new schedule since last week..but he texts me and calls me often when hes at work or i am out and about..hes a real homebody..
oh but thats another reason i was so shocked ..i said, "but we have been doing soooooo well over the past few years." and he said, "i know..so lets not take this is the wrong direction" you're making this something that it isnt."
thank u again..u dont know how wonderful it feels to have support on this!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm glad to hear you don't think he's actively avoiding you.

Watching a movie, however, is not alone time. You don't talk, you watch a movie. I'd replace those 1 or 2 hours you spend watching tv with sitting on the front porch.

I don't like his 'don't rock the boat' line. There is clearly something very wrong or he would not see a need to enter into EAs. IMO the boat needs to be rocked hard enough that he nearly tumbles out and realizes what precisely he risks by engaging in this inappropriate behavior.

If I didn't mention this before, 5 Love Languages, Love Busters, and His Needs / Her Needs are all good books for reconnecting with your spouse. They have free online questionnaires. He may need tough love before he needs gentleness, as you've already said. But it can't hurt to get some insight into what makes him tick and what lights his fire, and these will give you the tools to do that and see what he's getting from his EAs.

Have you raised the subject of counseling again?


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> This concerns me very much that he is essentially avoiding alone time with you. It is just too much like my husband. He loved family time. He loved being with the kids. But he'd put the kids to bed and then stay upstairs while I was downstairs and then he'd fall asleep on the floor in a kid's bedroom. Then he'd wake up, I'd be exhausted and have to go to bed alone.
> 
> Now that he's out of the EA he can't spend enough alone time with me. He asked me to travel to NYC with him just so we could be on the train alone.
> 
> ...


forgot to add that the trip that u and your dh took, sounds wonderful! i dont see my dh wanting to do that..so maybe there are some big issues, there.

also, did you tell family? i want to call my sister..shes my bf, but im afraid of the consequences.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> forgot to add that the trip that u and your dh took, sounds wonderful! i dont see my dh wanting to do that..so maybe there are some big issues, there.
> 
> also, did you tell family? i want to call my sister..shes my bf, but im afraid of the consequences.


I did not tell my family when I first discovered it. I made many mistakes that kept my husband in the EA for a long time.

The people though that would affect him and steer him in the right direction is HIS family, not yours. Your family would just make him feel that you're ganging up on him and make him dig his heels in further. He needs to hear it from someone he respects and trusts. Like his boss, his parents, a sibling who doesn't take his side of things.

Does his family know about the other EA that you dealt with?

edited to say, I also cross-posted with you again and have another post above.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I'm glad to hear you don't think he's actively avoiding you.
> 
> Watching a movie, however, is not alone time. You don't talk, you watch a movie. I'd replace those 1 or 2 hours you spend watching tv with sitting on the front porch.
> 
> ...


oh, one thing that he did tell me and i dont doubt it for an instant is that he cant tell me "anything"..that he keeps alot bottled in because of how i will react. which is TRUE. i have jealousy issues..and they arent always there..usually only when i pms.. my husband LOVES to talk and I love to hear him and to listen to his stories, but sometimes i get crazy. the only example that i can think of that has happened recently is he told me that he used our verizon emergency package to help a nurse from the hospital get her keys out of her car. so im imagining them sitting there waiting for the tow truck driver, etc and i get jealous..and i said something very very crude, that i wish i could take back.. but i get like that sometimes. and i know its a problem and i put a letter in dh's bag yesterday to let him know that i will work on that..which is why i was thinking that im going to need counseling. i havent asked him if he would be interested in going. :-/


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> forgot to add that the trip that u and your dh took, sounds wonderful! i dont see my dh wanting to do that..so maybe there are some big issues, there.
> 
> also, did you tell family? i want to call my sister..shes my bf, but im afraid of the consequences.


I agree with all of Iheart....but I will add my opinion (and it's just that, my opinion) about contacting your sister. mine is my bf too and I wish I would have gotten my things in order and my emotions under control before I went to her. She has never had or been around anything like this so her advice wasn't correct nor helpful. She was angry and packing my bags for me. I wasn't at that point, I was where you are in euphoria and not wanting to leave. SOOOOO maybe wait a bit and get this other stuff figured out.

Good Luck, and I'm sorry this is "possibly" happening to you again. Trust your gut tho-it's usually correct!


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I agree with all of Iheart....but I will add my opinion (and it's just that, my opinion) about contacting your sister. mine is my bf too and I wish I would have gotten my things in order and my emotions under control before I went to her. She has never had or been around anything like this so her advice wasn't correct nor helpful. She was angry and packing my bags for me. I wasn't at that point, I was where you are in euphoria and not wanting to leave. SOOOOO maybe wait a bit and get this other stuff figured out.
> 
> Good Luck, and I'm sorry this is "possibly" happening to you again. Trust your gut tho-it's usually correct!


Thank you so much..i am going to try to wait before calling her.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I did not tell my family when I first discovered it. I made many mistakes that kept my husband in the EA for a long time.
> 
> The people though that would affect him and steer him in the right direction is HIS family, not yours. Your family would just make him feel that you're ganging up on him and make him dig his heels in further. He needs to hear it from someone he respects and trusts. Like his boss, his parents, a sibling who doesn't take his side of things.
> 
> ...


i feel like telling his mom..but i dont know if i will. his mom knows about the other EA and she just said.."stop worrying..you already have him...he's already yours..he loves you". i wondered if she may feel differently this time tho..we have two more children plus shes gotten very involved in her church and religion.


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## underrain (Apr 24, 2012)

I have to say it would have been easier to get over had you seen the actual content of the messages instead of your mind wondering. You wil never know if it was physical or a purely platonic friend. you just will never know unless you trust what your husband is saying. Does he have a tendacy to be a flirt or an addict? How many mesasges a day? is the girl attached ? have you spoke to her?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

flabbergasted said:


> *What do I need to do or say to make him understand that what he did was wrong..and that i am not crazy for wondering and worrying, now*.


When I read posts like yours, it makes me want to give the following advice:

Stick the phone up his arse, and it'll be much more difficult to text those female colleagues.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

underrain said:


> I have to say it would have been easier to get over had you seen the actual content of the messages instead of your mind wondering. You wil never know if it was physical or a purely platonic friend. you just will never know unless you trust what your husband is saying. Does he have a tendacy to be a flirt or an addict? How many mesasges a day? is the girl attached ? have you spoke to her?


i just dont know, now..after reading so many more posts about spouses texting members of the opposite sex...and all the lying! i totally believed him when he said they were just friends. haha seems crazy now. it was about 30 messages a day. i dont know if the girl is attached. i have not spoken to the girl. i tried to call her when i first found out but she didnt answer. i have thought about texting her. a friend looked up her cell and got a name on it, but the name is the name of a business and its a pre-paid phone or a go phone. i dont even know if its still in use..i havent tried it. 

im not sure how to progress on that. i guess i was going to sweep this all under the rug, until i came here.

thanku


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Your main issue is that he's done it before. This isn't someone with a whistle-clean record that we're talking about.

There are some situations where a husband might just be a friendly guy who texts everybody that much.

But the point is, if you had handled the first situation in the 'TAM way'--there would have been clear and explicit boundaries set for your husband. He has a problem with flirty texting and relationships with coworkers of the opposite sex. It's not any different than someone who can't stop themselves from eating the entire bag of candy or the basket of chips at a Mexican restaurant. Avoidance should be the FIRST line of defense because of his inability to exercise good control. He should UNDERSTAND if you find such texting eating you alive. At least, it would be eating me alive.

I do think you could dramatically improve things by upping the alone time TALKING and not watching movies. Hiring a babysitter and getting out of the house. You can do something like walk around the block with the babysitting time if he doesn't fully trust babysitters. How much do you get out, anyhow, if he insists that you be home so much?

(Just to be clear, spending lots of quality time and getting to know his love languages, love busters, and needs per those books is all great, but they don't have much of an impact at all on spouses deep in EAs.)


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> I went into text messages and was alarmed by the amount. Long story short I confronted him and he lied about who it was (a male co worker) and then I did more digging (never came up with much more) and I did more thinking and realized that I couldn't believe his story. I accused him of it being a female and he came clean..or as clean as he needed to pacify me.
> He says that he did nothing wrong,


This. 

It is the heart of the matter.

If he really believes that he did nothing wrong, that means you would be perfectly OK with what he was or is doing, right? 

If that is the case, why did he feel the need to lie about it?


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> .i said, "but we have been doing soooooo well over the past few years." and he said, "i know..so lets not take this is the wrong direction" you're making this something that it isnt."


That is what he said.

What he meant was, "Please lets just sweep this under the rug!!"


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Posse said:


> This.
> 
> It is the heart of the matter.
> 
> ...


You are dead on. It's about the LYING, from a person who was caught doing it with 100% certainty before.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

ok..so ive woken up to the fact that their texts may have been inappropriate..although, still hoping not. i do not plan on sweeping this under the rug. i bought the book, "Not Just Friends" and started reading it today. i talked to my husband this morning before he left for work..he seems very sad and depressed, so im certain he cut off contact. i asked him what did he say in the text that he sent to end contact and he said, "i just told her that my wife was upset about the texting and to stop". "i told her to stop". hmmm.. so i asked, "do you think that she will try to contact you again?" and he said, "naaww..i dont think so..only been since end of february". he said, "why do we keep going back to this?" and i said, OHH..i did a bunch of reading and what im feeling and doing is normal. and he said, "they just want you to think its normal". huh? ok..so anyway, he dry heaved in the shower as im standing there doing all this questioning. he looks like cr*p and i feel like cr*p. ive lost 5 lbs which i did NOT need to lose.
im still super mad at him..i still love him with all my heart..but i also woke up this morning with the strength to leave him if necessary.

what is my next step besides reading the book and alone time with him? and hopefully getting him to read the book.


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> You are dead on. It's about the LYING, from a person who was caught doing it with 100% certainty before.


yes he lied and hes a good liar..so that makes this all even harder.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Wow, that is really bad. Dry heaving and depressed. You see it's not just a silly thing.

First: him breaking contact that way is a FAIL. He has to draft a letter in his handwriting, use the format that's here or else in the book, you certify mail. He shows you the texts and gives full access to phone.

Get into MC, find someone well versed in EAs and the power allure they have.

This is a bigger issue because he's done it 2x. Rug sweeping is failing to get to WHY he is doing this again, it's not just taking it seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> yes he lied and hes a good liar..so that makes this all even harder.


They all are, dear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## feelhated (Apr 25, 2012)

My husband doesnt text a Co worker, he actually texts women that he replies to their ads on craigslist or another site called backpages. most of them want him to pay for sexual interactions. he emails them and texts them all the time whether he is out with me someplace or sitting right next to me. He always has his phone on vibrate and when i ask him who he is texting or why he does this to me he just gets pissed and tells me that i need to stop being a ***** and leave him alone or he is moving out. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO DO ABOUT THIS!!!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

feelhated said:


> My husband doesnt text a Co worker, he actually texts women that he replies to their ads on craigslist or another site called backpages. most of them want him to pay for sexual interactions. he emails them and texts them all the time whether he is out with me someplace or sitting right next to me. He always has his phone on vibrate and when i ask him who he is texting or why he does this to me he just gets pissed and tells me that i need to stop being a ***** and leave him alone or he is moving out. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO DO ABOUT THIS!!!


Feelhated, that is an awful situation. If you open your own thread you will get more specific advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## feelhated (Apr 25, 2012)

dont know how. i am so new to this


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Wow, that is really bad. Dry heaving and depressed. You see it's not just a silly thing.
> 
> First: him breaking contact that way is a FAIL. He has to draft a letter in his handwriting, use the format that's here or else in the book, you certify mail. He shows you the texts and gives full access to phone.
> 
> ...


ok i will try to do all that you mentioned. now, do any of my emotions and how i feel about all of this matter? is it worthless to let him know that im upset that he compromised the boundaries of our marriage? that he let someone else in? that he risked tearing apart our family and all of our goals and dreams? IM SO MAD ABOUT THAT!

and second, can i communicate any of this in emails, letters or texts or do i need to do all of this face to face with him? theres the whole time aspect. or do i want the time that we are able to spend together to be more positive?

you are and absolute Godsend! thank you for your help! im already on page 42 of that book..i cant read it fast enough.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yes, of course you tell him this. It may be easier to write because you need to change course. Old stuff didn't work. Take the anger and emotion out. This is how you take back control.

I would be telling him that you fear he's broken. That these relationships are a sign that HE needs fixing. That while the marriage could stand improving, that the first priority is to understand why he's going outside his marriage for attention and validation. He needs counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

feelhated said:


> dont know how. i am so new to this


I will try to help when I'm back on my computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flabbergasted (Apr 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Yes, of course you tell him this. It may be easier to write because you need to change course. Old stuff didn't work. Take the anger and emotion out. This is how you take back control.
> 
> I would be telling him that you fear he's broken. That these relationships are a sign that HE needs fixing. That while the marriage could stand improving, that the first priority is to understand why he's going outside his marriage for attention and validation. He needs counseling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ok wonderful! and one more question for tonight i hope..
how much time do i spend on this? ever since d day my mind has been on this..im tired of thinking about it..how much time and energy spent on this is too much?? thank you!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

feelhated said:


> dont know how. i am so new to this


Ok. At the top of the main forum (where you're looking at the titles of all the threads posted by others) you will see a "New Thread" button at the top of the list on the left-hand side. Click that and repost what you wanted to say.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

flabbergasted said:


> ok wonderful! and one more question for tonight i hope..
> how much time do i spend on this? ever since d day my mind has been on this..im tired of thinking about it..how much time and energy spent on this is too much?? thank you!


Well, this is where you get into what they call the 180. The link is below.

The 180 boils down to being the best person you know how to be. Eating right, getting plenty of rest, going on antidepressants if need be, getting fresh air, going for walks or getting exercise. Concentrating on being the best person you can be.

Now for a SAHM--and this is really tough to say to you, but this is how it could work--you stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, stop fixing him food. Make him fend for himself. You are NOT angry, mean, resentful, silent, a jerk. You are brisk, happy, just not very preoccupied with him...you are moving on and making plans for the next stage which may not include him. 

You know what might blow him away--if he isn't used to this, and I suspect not--is to leave ALL the kids with him on a Saturday and take as much time as you can for yourself. Not sure if you're BF'ing and how long that could be possible, but it would be good if ALL the kids were there. Just give him a little taste of being a single dad. Because if you divorce, he is going to be sharing custody, and there are going to be times when this is what it will be like.

The Healing Heart: The 180

And have you read this yet? It has sample NC letters and a handy table comparing remorse and rug-sweeping--you will see that perhaps YOU aren't rug-sweeping, but that he is.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


What is reaction to counseling?
What is he doing to PROVE he is not contacting her? 
I have some more thoughts but will save them for a separate thread.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

So the other thing I was thinking today is WHY he is acting this way. He may have serious personality defects or mental issues. But assuming he's mostly normal:


--is he spoiled at all? Does he carry any sense of entitlement? Did his parents coddle him a lot? Is he used to getting what he wants? Stuff to explore in counseling.

--on a totally different tack: he is working 2 jobs. You have 5 kids. Are finances tight? Is it possible finances are worse than he's telling you? Could he be under some strain from this, and so he's resorting to the escapist fantasy of an EA (however one-sided)? Some people use drugs or alcohol, some people overeat, some people get addicted to video games, etc. Could EAs be his preferred method of 'blowing off steam' and forgetting he's a dad with enormous responsibilities? More to explore in counseling.

Of course--none of this EXCUSES his IMMATURE, CHILDISH choices. It's just possible explanations that he has to work through / past so that (like an drunk reaching for the bottle) he stops getting involved in fantasy relationships which are no joking matter and very risky for many reasons.

Now, I don't think this has been brought up yet--WHO IS SHE?? (Could she be the original EA person? Could it have been going on all this time, or started up again?) WHAT ARE THEY SAYING IN THE TEXTS? He has to tell you EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING. 

If you find out who she is, I strongly recommend telling her parents / significant other WITHOUT warning your husband of your plans. You have to kill the fantasy dead.

There have to be consequences, NOT THREATS, if he's lying to you, like telling his mother again, or filing for divorce, or something--liars will not stop lying just because you're really really mad at them. 

If she is a co-worker, he is going to have to quit his job with that woman. He cannot remain in contact with her via work. However she's connected to him, that has to be cut off and ended. It's another FAIL if that doesn't happen. NC means 100% NC.

For a serial cheater like he is, though, there are much deeper things to explore.

Again, if he is dry heaving over this, this man is going to break contact within a month, or I will be absolutely shocked. Somehow you need to be able to read these texts and get inside his head. There is way too much you do not know and you need this to make your next choices. I suspect they are telling each other they're in love. I know that's very painful, but his reaction is SOOO out of whack with an innocent flirtation--it's the polar opposite, frankly.

He has some secret parallel life he is carrying on, we just don't have a clear picture of what that is yet.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hard consequences, you need to show him what life will be like without him

let him imagine the amount of garnishment will be taken from his pay checks


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just checking in, hoping you're ok, thinking of you.


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