# Marriage sucks!!!



## Avesa (Aug 31, 2011)

I’m 24 and my husband is 26. We’ve been together for 5 years married 11 months. We have a 3 year old girl. We planned to get married a year before I found out I was pregnant. When I fell pregnant we postponed to have the baby first (financial issues). We’re both working and have fairly good jobs. 
We’re Xhosa’s from South Africa and live in South Africa. It is tradition when you fall pregnant and are unmarried to introduce yourself to the girl’s family as the father and support the girl financially or pay whatever amount to the family to assist with the pregnancy and the baby/mother’s needs. When it came down to introducing himself to the family, he had all sorts of excuses (one being that it wasn’t even tradition to do that but a formality). I gave birth and my family never met him, they just knew him from what I told them about him. I was seen as the girl who fell pregnant and was abandoned by the father. I lived through that, loved my husband and didn’t care what my family said.

I gave birth by C-section and had to pay all the hospital bills, doctor fees, buy the baby clothes myself because I was smart enough to prepare for the baby. I was on medical aid as well and he wasn’t so that cut the expenses in half for me. I went home with the baby (being a first time mom) and received NO help from my husband. Waking up at night for the feedings was torture, cleaning the baby and the house. I had an operation that hurt so much every time I moved. He wouldn’t even get up to pass the baby to me so I could feed her (I moved her cot into our bedroom). He just slept through it all. I took three months from work to look after the baby. I couldn’t stay longer because I couldn’t afford it. From the day my baby was born she has been my responsibility financially and in all other ways. I never want to have children again (not after the pain I went through) I have to beg and annoy to get him to see that I need help. I’ve taken life insurance for her and he refuses because he doesn’t see the point.

After I gave birth I went and bought a car to make getting around easy for me and the baby. He doesn’t have a car, but I always treat it like it’s our car because we’re married and I love him. He’s lazy, never helps out around the house or with the baby. He doesn’t even make the bed when he wakes up. Wakes up late and I’m always late for work to the point where I got a warning and I have to take a taxi (AM STILL PAYING FOR THE F*&**N car he’s using). He complain about everything, from the way he’s clothes are ironed , how he’s food is made , why I didn’t get around to doing something he asked me to do , to how much effort I put into sex (he always says If I haven’t done it I shouldn’t give him excuses). He wants to be respected and treated like the man of the house and he doesn’t even try to assist. All he ever cares about is sex and I always tell him that we’re broken and sex isn’t going to fix our problems. His family actually thinks everything we have is because of him. I’ve actually reached a point where I just don’t care.

He’s not physically abusive but did hit me once and then promised never to do it again. He said that I bring out the worst in him. He told me he’s bored so I let him go out to the places he won’t be bored. He spends his money on anything he feels like buying, while I’m stuck with all the expenses, from the baby, to insurance, car installments, school fees for the baby, my school fees (furthering my studies) and every other thing that goes on around the house. Painting the house is my problem, fixing broken door and washing machines (I always say, it can’t be that hard to fix it. So I grab my tools and start hammering and he’ll just look at me and play he’s video games or sleep) . He always has business ideas that never go anywhere and I always support him and I’m currently helping him with his latest business venture (I’ll make sure that it gets off the ground). 

He has a kid with another woman (from before we met). For a while I sent money to assist the mother with the kid and actually helped her get a proper job by offering accommodation in our flat for three months. He never did send money and the mother was always complaining. At my home children always get new clothes for Christmas day. When I asked him to buy clothes for his child, he told to but out it’s not my baby and I should stop involving myself in his child’s life. Christmas came and the little boy didn’t have new clothes for Christmas and mine did (that didn’t sit well with husband’s family, seemed like I didn’t care).

We tried counseling and he chose him. After three sessions he wanted me to pay for it and I can’t afford it. We stopped going and when I asked why, he told me it was because the shrink was more on my side than his. We’ve drifted further apart and I’ve actually told him that I want us to part ways because I’m miserable and I don’t want to try anymore.
I’m thinking of my child and my family (because my mom put so much into the marriage). I’ve spoken to him about this and it doesn’t make a difference. Every time I voice anything he goes and buys me flowers and chocolates. (That just makes me laugh). I’ve even weekend getaways for two but they are financially draining on my part. Love just isn’t enough, I want out (11 month or not).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your marriage does seem to suck  It's not really a marriage. Do you love him? Is it saveable at all?

Sounds like he was never really invested in the marriage at all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds like his behavior is pretty ingrained. He does nothing financially for the child he has by the other woman, and he is doing the very same thing by the child he has with you.

Actually, other than being a financial drain, it doesn't sound like he contributes anything. You have the means to support yourself. I am sure your financial burden will ease when you get rid of your husband.

Why stick it out in such a miserable situation? Move on with your life. You deserve better than this!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Marriage doesn't suck, but your husband does. He's a dead weight holding you back in all aspects of your life.


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## Avesa (Aug 31, 2011)

I've been honest with my husband, but in his mind I'm holding him back and I'm not giving him the respect he needs.
We've seen a counselor, he decided to stop because he thinks its all about me. He doesn't want to see a church pastor because he doesn't believe in god (he believes in science). He has girlfriends but i don't think he's cheating (but i wouldn't know even if he was). 

when it comes to loving each other , I don't know anymore.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Avesa said:


> He has girlfriends but i don't think he's cheating (but i wouldn't know even if he was).


Is it culturally acceptable for him to have "girlfriends"? What would lead you to believe he doesn't cheat? Does he spend money on these "girlfriends" or take them out to social activities, such as dinners?

Thus far, what I'm hearing is your husband contributes nothing financially to the marriage, does not show any interest in his child, and is a financial drain. Now he has "girlfriends" too?

I guess my only questions are (1) why are you staying, and (2) why don't you verify, one way or the other, if he is having affairs with these other women?

Yes, marriage can suck at times, but it doesn't even sound like you have a real marriage.


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## Avesa (Aug 31, 2011)

I stay because my daughter adores him and we've been married for 11 months. I just feel like I haven't given put enough into the marriage or I haven't tried hard enough to work at it. 

He spends money when he goes out but then he doesn't want to be questioned about how he spends his money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Avesa, 

What does your husband pay besides his own things and partying?

Perhaps you should tell your husband that he cannot use your car anymore. You are paying for it and you need it to get to work on time. How would you and your daughter survive if you did not have your job? Do not jeapordize your job.

Your husband is not providing anything to you, your child or your household. He's a drain. He choses to not work on the marriage and improve himself. IMHO, you would benefit from not being married to him.

And perhaps you should let his parents know the reason for the breakup.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Avesa said:


> I just feel like I haven't given put enough into the marriage or I haven't tried hard enough to work at it.


What else do you feel you can do to work harder at the marriage?

You said when your husband goes out he spends "his" money, but does not tell you on whom, or how, he spent it. Does he have a job?


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

I would tell your husband that he can wear the pants in the family, when he starts buying the pants for the family. 

You need to put your foot down and start making boundaries, no marriage can survive without them.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

You married a loser girl. Time to really look at your life long term and decide if he's worth it. Personally from what you posted he's worthless as a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Avesa (Aug 31, 2011)

We've actually sat and talked about living separately,but when it came down to doing it, he changed his mind and said he wants to work on our marriage ( it's been a week and we're back to square 1).
I hate being in this situation because I'm such a happy person ,but now I'm miserable and I know he's miserable too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Of course he wants to work on the marriage...he'd have to actually "do" something if you weren't taking care of him. I say this in jest but I'd probably be spending time in prison for murder if this man was my husband.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Avesa said:


> We've actually sat and talked about living separately,but when it came down to doing it, he changed his mind and said he wants to work on our marriage ( it's been a week and we're back to square 1).
> I hate being in this situation because I'm such a happy person ,but now I'm miserable and I know he's miserable too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Avesa, tell him to step up, do his share of the work, or get out. Plain and simple. And if he doesn't do it, give him the consequences.... KICK HIM OUT! If you are so miserable together, why stay together? You, obviously, can do just fine without him. Don't make it easy for him to do whatever he ants! MAKE him make the marriage work, if that's TRULY what you want!


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

Avesa - why were you with him the first place? Why are you still with him?

Look up sunk cost fallacy. Staying because of the baby when you will all be miserable is not smart when you could start fresh today and you and your child could be happier. It's unfortunate it did not work out, and you can (and should!) figure out how you got to this point. But don't you want what is best for you today?


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