# 15 Year Marriage - Will it Survive?



## completely-anonymous (Dec 26, 2008)

Of course, what you're hearing is only my version here:

I think when we met, we both really wanted to 'just get married', and rushed into it. We did not have any kind of extended dating period. I think a lot of what appealed to me about her back then were the 'cute southern' attributes that a lot of non-southerners find very intriguing and appealing. This led to some difficulties right away, that we managed to survive. 

In our 20s, we had some very terrible times as the incompatibilities really started to show up. Back then, I think that she was the one that was extremely unhappy and going through a lot of "what have I done" reflective moments. We never did any counseling, and somehow trudged through this.

In our 30s, we got into child-rearing mode. This is a heads-down mode of nonstop work, with little time to pay attention to anything else. Little League sports, school...it takes every cycle you have. There's little if any romance or sex in this stage. You're essentially roommates or 'partners' that pass each other in the hallway.


Now, in late 2008, I've had more time to reflect lately and I am wondering just how healthy this marriage is. Here are some things that are really causing major issues:

1. Romance/Attraction/Sex Life - The sex isn't what I would like it to be, and there's just not a lot of physical attraction, at least on my part. I'd like to me more attracted, I just can't seem to get it generated. Part of it is the fact that she's gained a lot of weight.

2. Compatibility & Interests - I would really like to have someone who is more 'with me' when it comes to activities that I like to do. 

3. Finances - A very different philosophy on spending vs. saving has led to some major arguments and disagreements. At one point, she rang up a lot of debt and was hiding it/paying it out of my inheritance and savings (without my awareness). This alone very well could have led to divorce, but I forgave (but have not forgotten).

For the first time, I'm starting to wonder if there is someone else who might be better to take me through the middle-aged years...even if it means splitting up a family with kids in the process.

Really evaluating.


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

I can relate to a lot of your same issues. Only I am the financially focused one and my husband will often spend money on things we can not afford. I am also a southern woman who has a weight problem. I know that being overweight can make you less interested in sex. After 8 years of marriage I gained 40 pounds and felt undesirable and miserable with myself. My husband is slender and eats anything he wants and never gains weight. He never complained about my body but I knew that he wanted the woman he married back. Since May I have managed to lose 30 pounds and I am starting to feel alive and sexual again. But this is a choice that your wife has to make for herself. She will probably only be hurt and defensive if you complain about her weight. But you deserve to be happy and you do have some serious issues that need to change. Can you two take a holiday away from the kids for intimacy and communication? See what her reaction is. Does the old spark come back? Find some common ground to build on you both can work on. She needs to know how unhappy you are. Don't suffer in silence.


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## women R complicated (Dec 20, 2008)

Wow. Completely Anonymous, you sound exactly like me. even the age.
A book that may explain some of this is the "love languages" My wife is the same and will do and give b/c that is her love language not realizing that we need something different like action. show me by making a budget, following through with an exercise program ect... That may be more of your love language.
As far as the sex, she is similar also, my wife will do the deed even if she is not wanting to just to please. But what happens is the sex is not fulfilling after a while due to it's just the act. She turns on her side and hopes it don't take long. A lot of women do it to keep peace. So now passion is lost in the relationship. And then continues to downward spiral. from here I don't have the answers, that's why I am on here searching myself. I always have said that the best decision you can make is one that you have researched and educated yourself on the facts.
ps. I am seriously considering moving on also.


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