# Post divorce - what is normal



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

6 months post official divorce and it feels like a lifetime ago. Sounds like yesterday.

I moved 2,000 miles across country for a fresh start.
I'm achieving goals I decided on when it was obvious my marriage was going to dissolve into a painful memory. 
It's like I'm checking off a checklist, sporadic bursts of happiness overcoming me when I realize im doing what I've wanted to, to eventually be replaced with the feeling of loneliness with lost love.

When I do venture out of the house for an evening, I try to learn to love dining by myself. I hate it. I have an overwhelming need to put in headphones and block out what's going on around me. No, I'll just sit here and be the woman sitting by herself at the bar. 

My ex left the marriage and decided he would test the waters with another woman. I wanted to work it out, he wasn't sure. I went through months of therapy over this. Trying to sort out wth I was feeling and wanting. This OW pushed for him to divorce me, but let's be real, she didn't hold a gun to his head. I have figured out that I got through by withdrawing and numbing. Sure I cry, and I feel like an empty shell sometimes.

After I moved so far away, and started my new life, he contacts me telling me how I am his happiness, we are soulmates, he wants me back....

I feel....nothing. Sadness eventually...

But that's not the worst. The worst is doing things you love to do and having them remind you of the hurt. At that point you have two choices...quit doing it, or keep doing it until it doesn't hurt anymore. I am stubborn so guess which path im choosing

I'm just sitting here at a bar by myself and felt like talking. So I'm writing instead.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Although painful, what you're doing now, Struggle, is what you should be doing, as your XH has made so abundantly clear to you. Now he's waffling back to you because of his own failures at achieving some form of "shangri-la," albeit without you!

While making it plain that you were his "Plan B," now that his "Plan A" has fallen through the cracks, you've been hastily reinstated to that hallowed status!

What's in it for you? You must be the sole judge of that! If the positive pre-affair memories far outweigh the rejection and hurt that he caused you, then R might well be in order. Otherwise, you would be most foolish to even reconsider it, despite the many hardships that you are now suffering as being single again, and through no choice or fault of your own!

You are a true survivor ~ and you will persevere, my dear!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My suggestion is to try volunteering. I did this after divorce and before I started making new friends. I joined a women's coffee Meetup group and we'd gather every Sunday to share what our goals were. I just got busy and stopped wallowing. I got a new job, I went into a masters program. 

Eventually time heals, there will always be a scar. But there will be times that you appreciate being taken away from your sorrow and for it to be replaced with new, happier neural pathways.

Oh, and I suggest you block his number. You're too busy working on you to be distracted right now.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

How long has it been total since you filed? You said post official divorce, so I guess its been longer since the actual filing.

My husband left me in a very similar manner... for another woman, and filed for divorce - I wanting to work it out back then. I'm still in therapy, once a week over this nightmare. However, I've turned the page... and I'm now starting to get on with my life, and see him for what he truly is. I decided Plan B, after I was his wife for so long and mother to his child - was not acceptable.

How did he treat you, when he left and filed? Was he nasty, and ignoring you - and now this is what he's doing after he's realized the grass isn't greener?

What is happening to you, is one of my fears... my ex, trying to do something like yours is doing. Because, while I truly feel I'm moving on, and making great strides --- am I strong enough to turn him away, at this stage? I don't know, b/c I do still suffer somewhat.

I wish I had better or more advice, I don't. But - I do understand the pain and hell you are and were in. To lose a marriage in such a manner is just not right. I do think what you're feeling is normal. I'm not post official divorce yet, that is still a ways off - May, I believe. But - we've been separated now just shy of 8 months. I too try to drown out my surroundings, and kind of become numb to everything. It hasn't been until recently, that the numbness is starting to wear off.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If your divorce is final do you have any reason to stay in contact with him? You moved away for a reason to start new. 

He wants to keep his options open, you want to move on. Putting the old memories away and replacing with new experiences does take time but it does happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are nobody's Plan B!

Divorce is a painful process, even when you know it is happening for the proper reasons. Sounds like you are going through the grieving stage, and you just have to let it happen. Some activity or event reminds you of your life as a couple and it hurts. You wish it hadn't turned out that way. You wish he would have realized what a catch he had and that he had actually cherished what you had. It hurts.

The next time you are doing that same activity it will hurt less. then less, then less, then not at all. You will replace that pain with your life and it will be on your terms. Heck I believe every time you're not stuck under the covers of your bed in the same pajamas you've been wearing for a week-you are making progress. It takes time and everyone's time table is different.
You'll make it.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

struggle said:


> But that's not the worst. The worst is doing things you love to do and having them remind you of the hurt. At that point you have two choices...quit doing it, or keep doing it until it doesn't hurt anymore. I am stubborn so guess which path im choosing
> 
> I'm just sitting here at a bar by myself and felt like talking. So I'm writing instead.



Some people... 
Have you ever heard of rewriting history?
Sounds like you have made the commitment to go on with life…and some indicators are coming up.
Those things you enjoy…you should keep right on doing them…because YOU enjoy them.
Those things aren’t forbidden because someone else is associated with them.

Let me give you an example.

There was this restaurant that I liked that my ex introduced me to. We had our first date there. It’s not a fancy place but the food is good and the service is good.
So we go there on and off for the 17 years we are together. Then she leaves me.

Life goes on and I get a new GF who is the sweetest thing ever.

I consider taking her to the restaurant but don’t because “it was our place”.
Here’s the rub though…there is no more “us”.
She killed that when she left.

So I made a conscious decision to start calling it one of MY favorite restaurants.
So I invited my GF to “one of my favorite restaurants ”.
She asked if I had ever brought ex there and I said yes and then told her my logic behind it.
I knew of a good thing and wanted to share it with her.

But my association with my ex was preventing that. 
Ex is gone…so why isn’t the association?

Now you try…


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Everything YOU want it to be is normal. If you want wear the headphones do it. If sitting at the bar alone makes you uncomfortable, then do something about that. Just do it for you.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I like the OP because I've been there. 

Sitting alone, trying to get past this mess, and calling on my TAM family. 

That's the coolest thing about this forum. There's always someone there for you (unlike the one person who was always supposed to be there).

What is normal? Nothing. And, everything. 

You do what you gotta do. For you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I want to re-iterate what CG said. Yes there is a ton of in-fighting

on TAM but you learn a great deal from others. When I came to

TAM in late 2012, it was the same time a handful of other guys did

as well. My D was quick and easy, their's were a different story. They were

there for me, I made sure I was for them. We aren't friends, we're 

brothers. Difference.... you can go a year without talking and at the 

drop of a dime, they're there for you when you need them the most.

These guys have read my "soul talk" that I will not post on TAM.

They have all been there, they know. When my ex gf moved out,

it was a "surprise move out" and one of the guys talked to me on FB

as long as I asked him to. While it took place. He was my saving grace.

With my job, I am a night owl. Taking late night calls is not a hardship,

it's more an honor. It's a brotherhood. So yes... I am glad I searched out

TAM in 2012.


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