# lost in the sauce



## dumbguy (Sep 29, 2010)

I am now going through a divorce and the process was started by my actions ( I cheated )
now I understand I am at fault I do not need some one telling me I am to blame and they are right ect...
We have 4 children and we need to still work together as their parents which no matter what is the most important thing to make sure they get through this as best as possible...

I have become someone who I do not want to be and I must change.
I chose the wrong course of action because I lacked the ability to communicate with my wife.
I am left wondering if I had been able to communicate with her would we have gotten a divorce anyways but under better circumstances? numerous trust issues , some of which I have created some of which are actual..

With that said where do I begin I have two main issues ( I think ) 1 is me the other is my wife or soon to be ex-wife
since I can not hope to change her or her attitude towards me
that leaves changing me( which leaves only 1)
but i do not want to become a doormat, which is how I feel I must be in order to be her friend.
I also do not want to return her animosity 
so how do I deal with her honestly with out everything turning into a fight ( the last fight i started and I do not ever want to be that angry again - I normally can control myself and I do not believe I have anger management issues)
since I know I can not rebuild our current relationship I want to build a new one where we are more than just civil to each other one where we can truly be friends, I know it is odd but I would like to meet her next Significant Other with out wanting to throw up and get angry I want to be truly happy for her.
where do I start, has anyone actually done this is there a success story in here?

the other issue I have is more related to me 
is there resources online or free ( I have no job )that can put me back on the path I want to be on 
a person who can trust other people 
a person who can leave the past behind them while still remembering lessons learned
a person who can see the future in a positive light
a person who has honor, courage, and commitment!!

well any one who has words of wisdom I welcome your input

thank you


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

dumbguy said:


> I also do not want to return her animosity
> so how do I deal with her honestly with out everything turning into a fight ( the last fight i started and I do not ever want to be that angry again - I normally can control myself and I do not believe I have anger management issues)
> since I know I can not rebuild our current relationship I want to build a new one where we are more than just civil to each other one where we can truly be friends, I know it is odd but I would like to meet her next Significant Other with out wanting to throw up and get angry I want to be truly happy for her.
> where do I start, has anyone actually done this is there a success story in here?


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

So, per your request I won't harass you.  I'll tell you what I know as the spouse that was cheated on. I think you're wanting to be friends is unrealistic at least right now, maybe forever. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for over 10 years. He was very sorry, etc. I am not a hostile person, but it was hard to deal with him at all even though we had to for the kids. 

There’s a lot more to the story, but for me it took many years before I could speak to him really at all. Our dealings with the kids went through other family members, emails, or even the OW because I couldn’t even look at him without feeling hurt or angry. I kept it under control for the kids, tho.

Now, we still are not really friends. We can and do talk regarding the kids and sometimes just small talk. He gets along with my husband. We can all do the kid’s special events and even all sit together. He called me recently to ask how to fill out his divorce papers as he is now divorcing OW. I invite him to b-days and things sometimes but he always declines saying it hurts too much to see another man enjoying his family. The anger I felt all those years has finally gone away. It was a slow process. I kinda feel sorry for him now, but I realize he made his own bed. 

Sorry this is so long, but I think rather than wanting to be her friend, you need to work on just being civil. Any issues that need to be discussed can be done through e-mail calmly.


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## dumbguy (Sep 29, 2010)

thank you for your insight 
I appriciate your comments


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

dumbguy said:


> I chose the wrong course of action because I lacked the ability to communicate with my wife.
> I am left wondering if I had been able to communicate with her would we have gotten a divorce anyways but under better circumstances? numerous trust issues , some of which I have created some of which are actual..


I've read both your posts and your wife's & I can understand where she is coming from. While you sound remorseful for your past actions, I'm not sure you fully understand how she must be feeling after all that has transpired and examining the past and how she must have felt along the way may help you in understanding why she is feeling angry.

I know this is water under the bridge at this point, but when you first told her about the cybersex, it flipped her world upsidedown. All at once, she had to come to terms with her married life and family as she knew it, was a farce. In your mind, this may have been a 'double-life' and as long as it was your secret, no harm done. But once it was no longer your secret, your wife now carries the burden of how to move forward.

One major factor is that you did not disclose this to her because you felt overwhelming guilt and wanted to stop and fully engage in your marriage, from what I understand it was because one of the players was a minor and you were afraid you would be arrested. So, you didn't stop for her, for your marriage and family, but because you felt backed into a wall and felt disclosure was your best option, for YOU, not her, not your family.

So here your wife is left with the shock and knowing this would likely have carried on had the possible arrest not happened and has to make a decision on how to best move forward. It probably took everything she had to choose to stay and rebuild trust and hope that you would earn that trust over time. She probably had many days that involved mental images of you with other women, feeling that she was not enough for you, feeling that she had been living a lie all these years and really did not know you at all...but part of the choice of moving past this is believing that you can leave the past in the past and begin with a clean slate, while rebuilding trust along the way.

The other part is reconciling your thoughts on whether you are being a fool by even trying...Does this make me a doormat? And the rationale behind that is something like 'Well, if I state my firm boundaries and leave the past in the past, I am not a doormat but rather a strong, forgiving person...AS LONG AS HE RESPECTS MY BOUNDARIES'

Then boom, she finds cybersex, talking to an ex...and now you've set up a scenerio where the only way she could stay in the marriage is if she concedes and becomes a DOORMAT.

I believe this is where she is at...if it were up to her, she would not be getting divorced, she would be with the man she thought she was married to before she found out about the cybersex...she feels that option no longer exists and she is angry that you could not stay within the boundaries of your marriage, because to her, you did not love her enough to do so.

Acknowledging how she must have been feeling since the day she knew about all of this will at least help you understand where her anger is coming from.

When you add in the accusations you have made regarding her cheating, it just compounds the fact that you have no idea what she's going through or how she's feeling.

I will be honest, it does not sound as though she has crossed any marital bounds with other men by the posts I've read, but perhaps that she was speaking to a man about what she's been going through rather than a woman, maybe deep down she was seeking validation from another man that she is worthy of a man's attention. And while this may bring you apart more than together, and could develop into an EA if both parties are not careful, it seems she was just looking for an outlet for her feelings...she did seek out a platonic friend site afterall, not a dating site, etc.

In short, the more understanding you are of why she is angry, your ability to really get it and not push back accusations or blame on her, the easier it will be for her to move forward. She has 4 great reasons to maintain a civil relationship with you, so I would bet she will put her anger aside when it comes to raising your kids.



dumbguy said:


> the other issue I have is more related to me
> is there resources online or free ( I have no job )that can put me back on the path I want to be on
> a person who can trust other people
> a person who can leave the past behind them while still remembering lessons learned
> ...


Well, I think you stated your lesson learned at the front of your post, to communicate when things really bother you rather than find other outlets to relieve stress, which end up causing more stress and problems in the end. That is a great start!

Why not write some things down along these lines...what is bothering you now, things that you have control over that you would like to change....looking for a job? re-training in another field? 

Think about why you engaged in cybersex and contacting your ex...were you seeking positive validation from others? Why? Do you feel you are failing in some areas? Why? 

Really explore 'you' and figure out ways that you can change what you are doing to make yourself happy with the guy you are.


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## dazedbeauty (Sep 25, 2010)

I agree with AWife, it will take a very long time for some type of real communication to be possible if ever. 
My response is to PRAY to get onto the right path. I have a feeling you are seeing your potential to turn things around for yourself, that is good, I'm sure having an affair is a very dark place to be. 
Be patient with your soon to be X. She really deserves your patience and you are going to have to let things just roll. 
Get into a good small church where you can connect with people with good intentions (although shop around). 
I hope you spring back for you, your soon to be X and your kids.


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## dumbguy (Sep 29, 2010)

thank you Swedish for your insight I will have to read it several times to actually assimilate it all 

Thank you Dazed


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