# Sweeping matters under the rug



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

In a marriage, is sweeping things under the rug ever a good idea?

Why or why not?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I say NO.

For years I swept the fact that my H told little stupid lies to me (and everyone) under a rug.

The lies were 'dumb' about small things ie: whether or not he bought lunch while he was out, if he stopped by and visited his friend. All things that were never an issue so i couldn't understand why he lied.

Last year I found out we were in financial trouble and he had been hiding it all. Secret banks a/c, PO box, CC's I knew nothing about.

So I now think if i had been stronger before and demanded honesty I wouldn't have been through what happened last year.
It was the worst time of my life. I seriously was going to end my marriage over it...we've been together 25 years...married 22 so it was no light decision.

No..... couples need to deal with issues as and when they come up!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

No. Think about where the expression came from. If I clean and I sweep dirt UNDER the rug what happens to it? Does it go away? No it stays, we walk on it, ignore it and hope nobody notices but the truth is it's there whether we deny it or not.

So my vote is deal with the issues as they come up. No good can every come from rug sweeping.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Nope. Sweeping things under the rug just allows resentments to fester. And when that happens, eventually, someone will explode and throw whatever has been swept in another's face. Better to deal with the issue and suffer whatever ramifications, allowing you to truly move forward.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The closest thing I have EVER come to *resenting* my husband is when I learned he was sweeping how he was feeling under the rug (over wanting more sex-for years) and had a slow silent festering resentment growing towards me.... I was LIVID .... 1st I cried...cause I hurt him ....then I got angry ...because his "sweeping" behavior HURT us both....and wasted many good yrs. 

I had a RIGHT TO KNOW how he was feeling.... in all of it's glory...the good , the bad , the ugly.... didn't matter whether I would have liked it or not....As my spouse, he has a voice, he has needs, and I need to get a grip, learn of them and arouse myself to act on them, care for my man....for the betterment of our marraige, family, connection and future. 

It helps tremendously if you are married to someone who can admit their own faults , not a grudge holder, or blame shifter.. who will throw these things back in your face in a future fight. 

If I refused to care, or acknowledge what he needs to talk to me about.... that is another issue entirely.. but communication shouldn't be sweeped, or hindered. 

Maybe I am weird ...but I would much rather have a good fight...argue, let it all out... even a down right BRAWL...and know exactly how my spouse is feeling, thinking, where his head is at, his heart is at....if he is suffering, if I am a part of that....all of it...may get a little heated, but we'll cool down, we know how to say "I am sorry, I was a Son of a B...forgive me".... been there a few times.... so then we cry on each others shoulders.... and have the opportunity to trudge through it ...and come out the other side. 

I am not a sweeper and I told my husband if he ever does this again, I will put his balls in a vise. He has been much more forthcoming in the last 3 yrs. Even if I may not like what he has to say.... I kiss him anyway...just for being more assertive in this area.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I had a RIGHT TO KNOW how he was feeling.... in all of it's glory...the good , the bad , the ugly.... didn't matter whether I would have liked it or not....


YES!!

I felt this but thought I was being too invasive and prying. I felt it was a want rather than a right.

Then I came to TAM and heard about His Needs Her Needs.
The chapter on honesty and security and I read that most woman want this openness.

It's always nice to feel normal


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Yeah I asked the question, because my wife and I were looking back on things in our marriage and we noticed a trend. The few times we swept things under the rug (some rather big things like sex life)... it just ended up biting us in the bum. The fallout from the rug sweeping just seemed far worse than the pain of dealing with the issue right away, and what's more we ended dealing with all those issues anyway.

I was curious though if others felt the same way (apparently so).

If anyone thinks that at times rug sweeping can be for the best, I'd like to hear those stories. Perhaps give me a better perspective.

Those stories about how rug sweeping hurt... wow just amazing what we do sometimes to those we love in hopes of protecting them.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, Browncoat, I'm sure you know my answer; being married to a rug-sweeper has been a challenge from day one, and not an easy one at all!

Never rug-sweep. Ever.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> The closest thing I have EVER come to *resenting* my husband is when I learned he was sweeping how he was feeling under the rug (over wanting more sex-for years) and had a slow silent festering resentment growing towards me.... I was LIVID .... 1st I cried...cause I hurt him ....then I got angry ...because his "sweeping" behavior HURT us both....and wasted many good yrs.
> 
> I had a RIGHT TO KNOW how he was feeling.... in all of it's glory...the good , the bad , the ugly.... didn't matter whether I would have liked it or not....As my spouse, he has a voice, he has needs, and I need to get a grip, learn of them and arouse myself to act on them, care for my man....for the betterment of our marraige, family, connection and future.
> 
> ...


Exactly. Even if it's something I don't like, I want to hear it. I deserve to know how he's feeling and vice versa, even if he doesn't want to hurt my feelings there are times when you just have to say "Hey, you need to do X,Y,Z because not doing it is making me sad(mad, uncomfortable)" No need to let things fester and worse than it is.

So yeah, I vote no to rug sweeping!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It's never a good idea period - in anything - marriage or elsewhere. It only leads to resentment.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, Browncoat, I'm sure you know my answer; being married to a rug-sweeper has been a challenge from day one, and not an easy one at all!
> 
> Never rug-sweep. Ever.


Yeah.  To be honest it was your life story that really got me thinking about whether or not we had issues we've been sweeping under the rug. Perhaps issues we weren't really paying much attention to but really were important. Not sure how you'll take that... but I hope you see it that in a way you helped my wife and I (even if unintentionally).

Turns out we each had one... pretty substantial issues which we keep on leaving unresolved and both are hurting our relationship and at times affecting us as parents. So we are going to try and hold each of us accountable on those issues (they aren't hard to spot and we both knew about each other's issue... we just kept not dealing with them).


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Nope. The rug sweeper is just a responsible as the offending party for the death spiral so many marriages face these days.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Everyone knows that lump is the buildup of resentment/unresolved issues.


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