# Break from 180?



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

My wife and I have been separated about 3 weeks now. If you read my earlier threads you will know why and my plans for a 180 at this point. However, I have some apprehension around completely adhering to the 180 next month because the 15th would be our 9yr anniversary. I'm giving her time and space and only because of our daughter do we talk every day, but mostly about kiddo. It's cordial but distant. 

Wanted any thoughts or insight on the following idea, I know she would not appreciate a gift at this point, she doesn't think I should spend the money on her when were separated, but what about a nice card where I list the reasons I chose her over all the others in the beginning? Something that reminds her why I fell in love with her etc....

I stink at this, hit me with your thoughts!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She does not want a gift. What are you thinking of doing for your anniversary that will break the 180.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

McDean said:


> My wife and I have been separated about 3 weeks now. If you read my earlier threads you will know why and my plans for a 180 at this point. However, I have some apprehension around completely adhering to the 180 next month because the 15th would be our 9yr anniversary. I'm giving her time and space and only because of our daughter do we talk every day, but mostly about kiddo. It's cordial but distant.
> 
> Wanted any thoughts or insight on the following idea, I know she would not appreciate a gift at this point, she doesn't think I should spend the money on her when were separated, but what about a nice card where I list the reasons I chose her over all the others in the beginning? Something that reminds her why I fell in love with her etc....
> 
> I stink at this, hit me with your thoughts!


Don't do it.

I remember a similar thing when my first wife walked. It was valentine's day and I had pre-ordered flowers for her. I had forgot about them, they arrived at her work, she sent them back.

So I got all bent out of shape about it, and ended up giving them to my mom.

What I'm trying to say is don't do it. Act like your marriage is done. Live that reality.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

The prevailing wisdom being that at the point of separation, your chances of reconciliation are slim anyway? Just wanted to make sure she knew that despite everything, my feelings toward are positive.....


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I can tell you from very painful recent experience that you really, really should not even mention your anniversary, let alone buy her ANYTHING for it when she's told you not to buy her anything.

My STBXH moved out at the beginning of May. May 26 would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. On the Friday before it, he was at my house dropping off our son, and when our son wasn't within earshot, I said "You know what Tuesday is, right?" He goes, "Let's just not even mention that again, OK?" I don't know what I was expecting - some remorse, maybe? (He had an affair and left for the OW.) But not the coldness I got.

Since then, I never stray from the 180. I hated myself for days for letting myself be vulnerable to him. I never hate myself for staying true to the 180.

Don't do it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I understand. I posted a similar question a few months ago because it was my ex's 40th birthday. 

Don't do anything. Definitely not the card/letter. Just ignore.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Fair enough. Seems that the risk to us in this camp is too great when it comes to departing from the 180....180 it is then....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's the thing man.

She doesn't _deserve_ a gift. She doesn't deserve your kindness, concern, well-wishes, any of it.

And all it will do is the following:

- reward her for what she's been doing
- make her feel like it's a covert contract to return the favor, which will piss her off
- make you seem needy, which will blow everything up that you've done

And, consider this? Do you think she's fretting about how _you_ will feel on your anniversary?

She's the one that wanted out. If she wants back in, she will let you know.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Everything marduk said. Squared. All those are exactly the reasons I hated myself when I got shot down for even mentioning the anniversary.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Yep, I think you all summed it up! Guess there are reasons the 180 plan has helped so many who stick to it. Thank you everyone!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Plan a fun evening out with friends for your anniversary.

Enjoy yourself as much as you are able.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

McDean said:


> My wife and I have been separated about 3 weeks now. If you read my earlier threads you will know why and my plans for a 180 at this point. However, I have some apprehension around completely adhering to the 180 next month because the 15th would be our 9yr anniversary. I'm giving her time and space and only because of our daughter do we talk every day, but mostly about kiddo. It's cordial but distant.
> 
> Wanted any thoughts or insight on the following idea, I know she would not appreciate a gift at this point, she doesn't think I should spend the money on her when were separated, but what about a nice card where I list the reasons I chose her over all the others in the beginning? Something that reminds her why I fell in love with her etc....
> 
> I stink at this, hit me with your thoughts!


Consider that if you have no chance to get back together this is a waste of your money, time, and energy/emotions to get the gift.

If you do have a chance, having told you not to, she will see this as a dismissive attempt to control her emotions.

Lose - Lose.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Good points and good suggestions too, night out with friends sounds better than pining away for something that may never happen!


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

So I am having a weekend away from my wife, will have my little girl with me and I can't wait to be honest. But, I am having the hardest time with the 180! My wife is truly wonderful and yet so confused it is hard for the "fixer" in me not to reach out.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Oh she did tell me that she needs time to get her head straight and can't tell me whether she wants me back or not....then she calls me because she is so sad about where life has landed for her at this stage. I fear the Meds she takes for her fibromyalgia will cloud her judgement and will never really know if she stays or goes if it was what she really wanted in her heart. This blows chunks!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

McDean said:


> Oh she did tell me that she needs time to get her head straight and can't tell me whether she wants me back or not....then she calls me because she is so sad about where life has landed for her at this stage. I fear the Meds she takes for her fibromyalgia will cloud her judgement and will never really know if she stays or goes if it was what she really wanted in her heart. This blows chunks!


How did she react when you hung up on her when she came to you for support after walking out on you?

Because that's what you did, right?


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

I couldn't do it but I did tell her that maybe that's a clue she is making a bad choice. I have no clue what I want anymore. If we didn't have a daughter together I would probably just disappear. I love her but am also POd at her.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

McDean said:


> The prevailing wisdom being that at the point of separation, your chances of reconciliation are slim anyway? Just wanted to make sure she knew that despite everything, my feelings toward are positive.....


People have a way of using your words against you McDean. Are you done with her? Are you finished? If so then say whatever you want to but if you are angling at some kind of reconciliation then be very careful that what you say doesn't make her see you as a fallback (plan-b).


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Good point, it is a fear of mine to be honest. I am not sure of what to do or how to do it at this point. She is so distant, tells me she loves me but doesn't like being with me and so on. I am losing patience with the whole scenario.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

McDean said:


> Good point, it is a fear of mine to be honest. I am not sure of what to do or how to do it at this point. *She is so distant, tells me she loves me but doesn't like being with me and so on. * I am losing patience with the whole scenario.


Tell her life is short so go be around who she likes to be around and stop wasting your time. Then go hike a trail or do something you feel like doing.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Yep, probably time to walk away, let the chips fall where they may!


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