# On the brink.....



## outkast44 (Sep 26, 2008)

I don't post much, but I do read a lot of the responses here and can relate to quite a few of the posters her.

This weekend, I came very close to walking away from my marriage. 

To make a long story short, I was accused of lying, and to be honest, there are some trust issues in our relationship because of me not telling the complete truth.

Now I admit that I was wrong to only tell my wife of 6 years only partial truths, but my reasoning for it was based on the fact that when I did tell her the complete truth, it usually ended up being something that she didn't want to hear and she'd explode all over me with her temper. Three to four years of that kind of verbal abuse is a lot to handle. So self preservation kicked in and i'd say whatever I had to say to avoid a fight or a conflict because when my wife gets angry, she gets ANGRY. 

We have been having a heated disagreement about a particular set of friends that she doesn't get along with, that she no longer wishes to be in contact with (one friend in particular). Now this person has been a friend of mine for years. But my wife and this female friend of ours don't see eye to eye on a lot of things anymore, and the relationship between them has pretty much burned out.

Well she saw some totally harmless public correspondence between me and the friends husband, who i'm still friends with. Well we had agreed that we'd no longer be friends with them...but in the mean time....i'd been contacted and had heard both sides of the story....and it turns out that my wife and our friend are both in the wrong...at least from where I sit.

This discussion escalated into me being called a liar once again, and me being accused of not supporting her by ending all contact with this couple. Keep in mind that I've been friends with them for years and they were the absolute LAST people to leave our wedding reception.

I'm not perfect, and have omitted info from her to avoid conflict. I know it was not the correct thing to do, but to be honest, her temper scares the crap out of me, and after years of dealing with it, it just became easier to avoid the arguments rather than to deal with them.

Now i'm at a point where I'm trying to move past all of that and not be afraid of her temper and such. We've been in marriage counseling since october, and it's helping a little, but i just don't know if i want to continue to deal with this anymore.

I know that everyone has a bit of drama in their lives that they deal with, but it seems like out of all the drama I have in my life, the common denominator or "hub" so to speak is my wife. All of the stress and drama, it includes her in some fashion and I don't know how much more I can take. Add to the fact that she suffers from depression, and has recently stated that the early part of our relationship is what probably pushed her over the edge and basically kickstarted her depression.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I stay or do I cut my losses. We have a son together, and I just want what's best for him. But I want to be happy too....and right now, i'm NOT happy.

Edit: Now add to that the fact that I'm a bit bitter because i've made sacrifices by picking up a 2nd job and selling off some of my prized possessions while she was looking for a job. I'm still working the 2nd job and our home is a wreck. Now she was not working for quite some time, but yet i was and to some extent am doing pretty much everything.....okay....i'm done. thanx for listenin.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment.
First i think you need to be brave and always tell her the truth !! nothing is gained by telling lies.Not only has she learnt not to trust what your saying but it also covers what you have lied about.
Friends my husband has one friend that i find repulsive, he thinks he can touch me and say some pretty dam bad things ..the aggrement for us is that he can remain friends with the jerk but he see him away from me and our home, hes happy and im thrilled !!

you do deserve to be happy everyone has that right, do you go to counseling together ?

I grew up in a home where my parents stayed together for us kids !! i wish they never we would have all been happier if they split rather then putting us through years of arguments.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

Outkast44, I hear what your saying. While it may seem like a dark time, it can also be one of the defining moments in you and your wife's life. It's times like this that people either express what the human spirit is truely capable of, or they walk away.

I won't offer any advice for now as it wasn't asked for, but it's here if you genuinely wish to step up and turn this around.


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## outkast44 (Sep 26, 2008)

We do go to counseling together, and it is helping. Through our arguing, i've found that she partially blames me for her having her nervous breakdown and resulting depression. I'm trying to turn all of this around, but i'm not sure if I can. I'm trying to forget about the past, just as she is. She catches me in these half-truths all the time. And its only because i'm afraid of her temper. Not because i'm trying to get away with something. I'm being more vocal after years of pulling back and keeping quiet. Its a change that she's not prepared for. I dunno.....I dunno if i'm doing the right things or not. I'm just going to be honest and tell her how I feel from now on, as hard as it may be.


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## outkast44 (Sep 26, 2008)

I can't take this mess anymore. I'm researching lawyers. If she wants to be miserable, she isn't gonna take me with her. Lord I hope I'm strong enough!


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Was there something that happened significantly between the 9th (your previous post) and this recent post?


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## outkast44 (Sep 26, 2008)

I'm having a hard time with the negativity. This weekend was pretty bad with her depression. She's not getting help for it and I can't force her to. I just don't know what else to do. She cites several reasons for why she can't do stuff, but does nothing to make it better for herself. I do understand depression, but at some point she's got to do conduct herself like an adult. Right now, and for the longest time, she has not. I'm just tired of raising her and our son.


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## Clare (Feb 19, 2009)

Lol, I need boots for this one. 
You have "omitted" and told "half-truths" because she makes it necessary...blah, blah, blah...
ANY person would be furious and sad over being treated that way!
And what's worse, you choose your friends over her...
PLEASE, by all means, set her free from the liar that she's "married" to.
She deserves better than excuses and justifications for your constant lies. Lies are one form of emotional abuse and emotional abuse makes the victim sad.
Your excuses for "having to lie" are very revealing.


Symptoms of Emotional Abuse


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

You say it is due to her temper that makes you lie or tell her half truth or just omit things altogether, but i have a feeling it is more then you are willing to admit. i am getting the impression that you do things that you know she will not like or will not agree with, and that is the real reason you dont tell her the truth. sure she gets mad, but you know this in the first place and still choose to do whatever it is that will make her mad. then you make it worse by lying about it or trying to hide it and that not only makes her mad, but speaking from experience, it hurts like h*ll.

Is she really that unreasonable? I mean my husband has friends that he has known for years and family for that matter that i absolutely hate and will not tolerate their kind around me or my kids. But i could care less who he "talks" to as long as it is not in my house and around my kids. so what is the real issue here?

yes, living with someone who is depressed is hard to deal with, but since you are the main cause of her depression sate, why shouldnt you have to put up with it? I agree with you that she needs to do something about it. you cant just sit on your azz and complain about something without putting forth the effort to fix it. that is BS, no matter what or who the reason of your unhappiness or depression, it is only in her hands to fix it. Since you are already in counselling, have you told the counselor how you feel about your wife's depression? I am sure she has some advise on that since it has been brought up during sessions, surely she didnt just let your wife say that you are the reason of her breakdowns and depression and not offer some kind of treatment for it? if the counselor did, you might think of getting a new marriage counselor.

Either it is as you say, and you are fearful of your wifes temper, and discusted with your wife's depression and lack of desire to better herself. So you either need to grow a set and own up to your involvement by your actions, and stand up to her. Or you need to find a way to help her move past this and better herself....if only for your sons sake then any other reason.

I acknowledge your bitterness for having to work 2 jobs while she looks for a job. you said your house is a wreck, does that mean she isnt cleaning or tending to the baby? which is also a symptom of depression btw. not sure how long that has been going on, but dont you think you SHOULD support her in her time of need and work the 2 jobs greatfully? since you have cause her a large amount of hurt and pain?


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## outkast44 (Sep 26, 2008)

Clare said:


> Lol, I need boots for this one.
> You have "omitted" and told "half-truths" because she makes it necessary...blah, blah, blah...
> ANY person would be furious and sad over being treated that way!
> And what's worse, you choose your friends over her...
> ...


I completely understand your view point. Now i don't agree with everything you've said, but i do understand. I felt that I was left with no alternative to leave out certain facts to avoid getting yelled at. Not the optimal way to deal with the situation. I'll admit that. I wasn't always like this. I was a very open and honest person with her for a very long time. I'm working on getting back to being that with her, but I do not know if it is working or if it will work. I got tired of getting talked down to and was trying to avoid fighting with her on a daily basis.

She abused me, so then in turn i abused her. Yeah, i get it. NOT the way to go. Now I'm trying to fix the situation, and have been, but I am not getting met halfway.

As for choosing my friends over her. Thats a bit far fetched. At what point to you hold someone responsible for their actions? I've defended her and lost friendships because of things that she's said and done. I still rush to her rescue when she's being attacked. But if she's wrong....or if I feel that she's wrong and she is not willing to even compromise, what am I to do. I feel like i'm being isolated from the rest of the world because she's unhappy.


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## outkast44 (Sep 26, 2008)

To answer Mrs. Vain

In the beginning, it wasn't like that. I'd inform her that i was doing things with friends and she'd have an issue with the amount of time I spent out. Now I wasn't gone for more than a couple of hours....mostly playing basketball or doing something outside. Completely reasonable things that I wasn't doing all that often to begin with. She'd still have an issue because she couldn't control the amount of time I was spending away from her.

Now, I am not an innocent person in this party, and have done some things that she doesn't agree with as far as internet chat, porn and so forth. The only thing I can say to that is that i was WRONG. A lot of this was occuring at a point where i'd been verbally beat down and just didn't know what to do. Yeah...not a good move. I've since behaved myself and tried to right the wrongs as best as I can. Again, i'm not claiming innocence here. But I have tried.

As for being unreasonable, yes, she can be extremely unreasonable at times, but has gotten better as i have gotten better. It's still very difficult, especially when i'm not asking for more than an hour or two to do something for myself, and will explain what my intentions are.

I also am not going to claim total responsibility for her depressed state. She was diagnosed with depression while we were dating, and has recently said that part of it was because i wasn't over an ex-girlfriend after we met and started to get serious. Very true, but i'd thought we had worked past that. I guess I was wrong. Our counselor has said that she needs to get back on her meds, which she's currently looking into. I'm just trying to understand the 3 to 4 years of anger and rage that were taken out on me. I was good for that period of time and was trying to do everything in my power to help her from the daily chores to tending to our son. I was literally doing everything while she sat at the computer for hours at a time...when she wasn't working. She went through several jobs over the course of 3 years and then ended up quitting the last one and not finding another job for almost a year.

She'd go on and off her medications whenever she felt the urge, and that also caused some unstable moments in our relationship. I've tried to help her and give her what she needs, and I am still trying and learning how to relate to her. I haven't given up yet....but sometimes it is very difficult to deal with. Am I still afraid of her temper.....absolutely. I'm working on it, but old habits are hard to break. The moment she raises her voice, i back down.

I own up to my contributions to her state on a regular basis. I know i've not been a postive addition at times. I am however trying to make things better. She's trying when she feels like it, and it seems that it upsets her if I try to do too much. This is a cycle that we both need to break. I work my ass off and she sits....I get pissy and quiet and then she picks up the slack a little to appease me...and then back to square one.

I feel that i've been trying. After reading some of the comments....I guess I need to try a lot harder. But at what point do I hold her responsible for picking up a portion of her end of the relationship? I can carry most of the weight. Hell, I can even live with being blamed for her depression. But I'm trying like hell to get her to get help. After a few months of begging, she's finally getting in to see a doctor. Progress...yes...i just don't know if it's going to help.

Now I have been working the second job without complaining to her, simply because I know that she hates the job that she has now and i don't want to add to her stress. I do it with a smile most times. Its very difficult at times when i know that she's at home and the dishes aren't done during the day. And yes, the house has been a wreck because she's been too depressed to do anything about it. She's getting better with at least feeding and caring for our son, but there was a long stretch of time where i was doing everything and she was sitting at the computer playing a game that she's addicted to.

I don't know if i'm coming or going anymore. I also don't know what to do either. I'm trying to stand by her, but self preservation is kicking in because things have gone this way for entirely too long.

I KNOW i've hurt her and I live with that every day. The question I keep asking myself is this: If she'd not started going off on me for no reason, would I have done the things that made things worse. I don't think so. I felt painted into a corner and reacted incorrectly. But.. are my feelings any less valid?


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## outkast44 (Sep 26, 2008)

A little back story on our relationship....

We met
We dated
She comes down with depression
She becomes controlling
I don't understand and try to break up with her
We work it out
We stay together
We get engaged
We get married
She becomes verbally abusive
I lie to her to avoid fights
I get caught
I stop lying
I'm still getting abused
I'm behaving
I'm still getting abused
I'm behaving
I'm still getting the wrath of her anger
I'm behaving.......
I can't take the abuse any longer
I surf porn and lie...yes....again...to avoid fighting
I get caught
I try to make it right...yet again.

Thats pretty much it. Keep in mind that after our son turned 1 (he's 4 right now) she started playing online games. So during this entire point where i was behaving myself.....i was getting ignored so that she could play. This goes on for almost 3 years before i do something stupid.....again and go back to lying to her.

I need to be a man and talk to her. I know this. It's a cycle that I want to break. I don't want to be afraid of her temper anymore, but I can't help it. I know I messed up. I've admitted it.

I just don't know what to do. She's played this game forever. She has friends on this game that I don't really know. I'm not a jealous type, but what do I do when i'm getting shot down when i'm trying to spend time with her and make things better? How long do I get punished? Neither of us is perfect, and I've overlooked some of her shortcomings/mistakes as well (and have not mentioned them here). Why do I feel like i'm being left to be beat down? Why do I feel like i'm not being met halfway in the effort?

I've gotta figure out what to do. I'm literally at my wit's end.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

sorry it took me so long to get back with you, have been going thru some sh*t of my own (arent we all here, lol)

you asked


> But at what point do I hold her responsible for picking up a portion of her end of the relationship? I can carry most of the weight.


 Man, that is the same exact question i have been asking for month, years, and sadly i dont have any answer for you. I know it is hard because that is the same thing i am dealing with. 

Kudos for you for trying. And for getting her to go the doctor and getting her to stay on meds, if possible. And also Kudo for you for not complaining about the second job. i do feel for you, i know it is hard not to vent too, this site has helped me alot. it is hard to do anything you dont want to do with a smile and i am impressed you are making the effort and succeeding. good job.



> I don't know if i'm coming or going anymore. I also don't know what to do either. I'm trying to stand by her, but self preservation is kicking in because things have gone this way for entirely too long.


 Yep, i am there also, you discribed this feeling so accurately. again, sadly i dont have a answer, just hang in there.



> The question I keep asking myself is this: If she'd not started going off on me for no reason, would I have done the things that made things worse. I don't think so. I felt painted into a corner and reacted incorrectly. But.. are my feelings any less valid?


 of course your feelings are valid and i think your wife is wrong on many different levels. at least you own up to your actions, good or bad and you are trying to fix it. sounds like you are working hard to fix it. i hope you find what you are looking for. even if you dont get positive response, i would suggest continue to post you vents. it really has helped me get sh*t off my chest and in turn i am able to move on in some shape or form. 

dont give up, keep trying. hopefully your wife will come around.


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