# Another Inlaw Thread, though my parents being the issue, not spouse's



## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Really just my mom. She's a nice and well intentioned person - generally a good mom though under-informed as a parent _(if you are detecting undertones of resentment, it is because i am an only child and my parents did very little to expose me to the world, and I had to socially adapt largely on my own)_.

She is youngest of three, upper middle class, family drinks a lot. Her family is very close; I have 4 cousins on that side but not close with any. I'm not close the her side of the family at all - they are judgmental but don't know it, very offputting to new people, stubborn, and I generally find them boring. They don;t really do...anything.... except drink wine and talk about books and cats. Which my mom loves.

My mom also has very few friends - I would say in general she expects the world to come to her and makes no effort to be social or engage her community or peers. To sum her up, I picture a pie chart that is 6 inches in diameter, and broken up into 4 roughly equal segments: her husband/my dad, her immediate family, myself and my wife, and reading books. That represents her life, where nearly everyone else I know would have pie charts 5 feet wide with a dozen or more segments of varying sizes. She just doesn't have a lot going on, isn't socially adaptable, and very stubborn and set in her ways. 

My dad and I have related better and better as I age and get farther into life, we find we have more things to relate to each other on. Opposite for my mom as we have never related much on any one topic, but she spoiled me as a kid and often threw my dad under the bus, and I could manipulate her to get what I wanted.

I'll skip to the issue now since this is getting too long. Basically, I love my wife and her extended family, and my dad and his extended family. We are very genuinely involved with all of them. My mom drives me nuts, and she is hurt that I don;t get along with her family.

Question: How do you effectively tell your birth mother who raised you that is still married to your birth father who raised you that I simply do not share her values in life?

Catalyst: My wife is 8 weeks pregnant - we are very happy - but I am overcome with apprehension for telling my mom, because I fear the inundation of attention, unsolicited advice to me and my wife (who understandably does not like her, though she is too oblivious to notice) and who knows what kind of family obligations to her extended family that may or may not show up that I simply don't really care for.

Disclaimer: I know I am being harsh towards my mother, and she did a generally good job raising me, I am aware that I should consider myself lucky for the upbringing I had. I put forth a ton of mental energy to communicate effectively with my wife, so I really don't have a lot of patience or bandwidth to be anything less than direct and honest with others around me.

Thanks in advance! Really curious to hear if others have had this version of "in-law issues"


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Also important: It would be safe to say that my parents were, and remain, divided on many issues regarding parenting. This was very evident at the time. 

Today, I lean very much towards my dad's values, which still remain different, but they are able to coexist. They are happy as far as I can tell, though I suspect my dad feels some regret as he as broader and more numerous interests than my mom.

Yes, they are still married. First marriage for the both of them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Congratulations about the baby!! 

As to your mom -- do you think she will want to be a very involved grandmother? I can tell you from experience it's often difficult not to give advice once you have a grandchild. I had to bite my tongue many times (and sometimes didn't) with my DIL once my first grandchild was born. I lived nearby and was the grandparent asked for help. 

As to your mom's family -- you just have to gently tell her, when she says anything, that you have chosen a different path. I too am an only child and had to do that with my mother many years ago. I compromised when I felt I could with my mother but in the end I made it clear it was my life. You will likely have to do the same.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

On one hand you say that your mom and her family are very judgmental. Then in the same breath you have the audacity to go in on your mom for her flaws...in a very judgmental fashion.

Honestly, nothing you said about your mom sounds THAT awful. She did not abuse or neglect you...I just don't get what she has done that is so terrible. 

Part of me wonders if your wife has conditioned you to take issue with your own mom so that your wife can avoid having to compete with your mom for your attention. 

Talking about cats and books a lot, drinking and having a small social circle do not make someone a bad person. I feel sorry for her mom. She would probably be very hurt to hear what you really think of her despite her never doing you much harm.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Right now, tell your mother about the upcoming birth (pray the baby is healthy) and see how your mom does. If there is a dispute between your wife and your mother, support your wife, but discussion of that is premature.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You wrote alot, but it's still hard to see what your mother is doing to bother you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

maverick23 said:


> Question: How do you effectively tell your birth mother who raised you that is still married to your birth father who raised you that I simply do not share her values in life?


Stop trying to change her in to the perfect mother you think you wanted as a child, and just accept her for what she is and can give you as a mother now. Then see how you feel about her.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Looks like I didn't do a great job clarifying the issue.

By values I mean things like degree of family involvement, what the idea of family means to her vs my wife and I, gift giving and manners in that area, who should make what effort if any to work on personal relationships, accepting vs swimming upstream against certain people just not getting along, the extent to which she should be responsible to her family for my actions relating to her family, the extent to which she has credibility in child rearing decisions and tips (my wife is a neonatal nurse and her dad a pharmacist, my mom has no health qualifications/experience), the extent to which we should we give, accept and implement feedback on how we interrelate (do we do that at all, or is it inappropriate to even go down that path?)

These are topics we disagree on that are simply conflicting values. No right or wrong, just different.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I believe you are being a little bit hard on your mother and probably that is coming with extra pressure from your wife who might not like her. I understand this very well and can relate.

I have no issues with my mother in law. She is a great lady and generally I have no issues with her. However, she is older than me of course and has some different ideas then I do about how to raise my son.

Two months ago when I had my son, my mother and MIL stayed with me for a week. My mother and MIL always wanted to give me their advice, and sometimes it was overwhelming. My husband reminding me that in a week they would be leaving and then I could do things my way.

I obliged both sets of parents as much as possible. Honestly, none of their requests were life changing. My MIL kept insisting that I put more clothes on him, do this, do that. She was only trying to help, and I could see that. 

I know that your wife will become frustrated from all the advice. It will come from everybody, even people who havent had children, which is especially funny. The best thing to do is to not sweat the little stuff.

You keep mentioning value differences, but I think the things you have mentioned are pretty much things you can compromise on. If the issue is not seriously impacting your life style, then you should try to please your mother. Why? Well I feel like someone that sacrificed their body for you to live always deserves the best form of treatment we can give, even if we have to give up a little bit of what we want, including our spouses.

Now, where you draw that line is if your mother is abusive, or if her choices are seriously impacting your way of life. I think in your case a little bit of give and compromise is needed. You may not like your mother, but you owe her love and a little bit of compromise now and then.

And by the way, your wife may be a neonatal nurse and have a lot of knowledge about babies, but she doesn't have any experience about being a mother, and the two are completely different. Tell her to be open to other ideas, even if she doesn't do them.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

maverick23 said:


> Looks like I didn't do a great job clarifying the issue.
> 
> By values I mean things like degree of family involvement, what the idea of family means to her vs my wife and I, gift giving and manners in that area, who should make what effort if any to work on personal relationships, accepting vs swimming upstream against certain people just not getting along, the extent to which she should be responsible to her family for my actions relating to her family, the extent to which she has credibility in child rearing decisions and tips (my wife is a neonatal nurse and her dad a pharmacist, my mom has no health qualifications/experience), the extent to which we should we give, accept and implement feedback on how we interrelate (do we do that at all, or is it inappropriate to even go down that path?)
> 
> These are topics we disagree on that are simply conflicting values. No right or wrong, just different.


My point still stands - accept her for what she is, not what you want her to be, and see how it works then.

Does she have any redeeming qualities? Anything that you can point to and build upon?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

maverick23 said:


> Looks like I didn't do a great job clarifying the issue.
> 
> By values I mean things like degree of family involvement, what the idea of family means to her vs my wife and I, gift giving and manners in that area, who should make what effort if any to work on personal relationships, accepting vs swimming upstream against certain people just not getting along, the extent to which she should be responsible to her family for my actions relating to her family, the extent to which she has credibility in child rearing decisions and tips (my wife is a neonatal nurse and her dad a pharmacist, my mom has no health qualifications/experience), the extent to which we should we give, accept and implement feedback on how we interrelate (do we do that at all, or is it inappropriate to even go down that path?)
> 
> These are topics we disagree on that are simply conflicting values. No right or wrong, just different.


I think I can relate a bit. My mom is a loving and caring mother...in HER own way. She's not the "typical" grey haired doting grandmother, she's polar opposite to my wife's mother frankly.

That said......I love my mother. One of the key parts of love is acceptance. Everything you talk about is someone who does things differently than you, but not badly. She doesn't insult your wife. She's not destructive to your family unit....so why does your wife have such and issue with your mom? Or is this coming from you?

If you love you mother, you need to accept her for who she is, as long as it's not destructive or dis-respectful.

PS about the neo-natal nurse thing...so does that mean your wife shouldn't listen to anything your mother says? It seems to me your mother has a lot of credibility when it comes to raising children.....go look in a mirror. Not that she has more than your wife..but discounting her outright is also disrespectful to your mom.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give an example of something that your mother might do or suggest that would be offensive to you and/or your wife?


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

I feel your pain

Picture Marie Romano on Everybody Loves Raymond, now amplify her overt demeaning and manipulative constant stream of innuendo ten times, throw in compulsive lying and an air of pseudo-intellectual aristocracy, oh and have her wear a t-shirt that says "No woman is good enough for my son, ever!", that's my mom.

Their weapon is knowledge so if they don't know anything, they can't say anything. I keep my mom at arms length and established early on that there is to be no spontaneous visiting.

Life is good


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I think I can relate a bit. My mom is a loving and caring mother...in HER own way. She's not the "typical" grey haired doting grandmother, she's polar opposite to my wife's mother frankly.
> 
> That said......I love my mother. One of the key parts of love is acceptance. Everything you talk about is someone who does things differently than you, but not badly. She doesn't insult your wife. She's not destructive to your family unit....so why does your wife have such and issue with your mom? Or is this coming from you?
> 
> ...


She's not abusive by any means - see disclaimer in initial post.... she means well in HER own way. I could have a lot worse, and this problem is one of the more mild ones on this forum to be sure, but it still gives me anxiety. My wife feels in general that "she cannot have an opinion around [my mom]". By this she means she isn't a great listener, assumes my wife will appreciate her ideas/taste, etc. These are sitcom-grade in law issues.

On the nursing qualifications vs. mother experience thing, I should have clarified that I am not taking sides, but more so illustrating that they both feel justified in overruling one another for those reasons.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Can you give an example of something that your mother might do or suggest that would be offensive to you and/or your wife?


When my wife and I were about 2 months into planning our wedding, at a family gathering we attended at our mom's side, my mom told me it would mean a lot to her and her mom if I invited my cousin who is my same age to be an usher. I am much closer with cousins on my dad's side, and never consider asking them to be in the wedding party. I told my mom I was uncomfortable with that because he and I weren't close. She was somewhat dismissive "well, just think about it...." and walked away. A couple hours later, my wife sits down next to me and informs me that MY MOM had invited MY COUSIN to be in MY WEDDING PARTY. This created an extremely awkward situation in an otherwise great wedding. That was probably the third most infuriating event of my life, and my dad ended up having to mediate a resolution between my wife and I, and my mom.

Another example would be a tradition I shared with my mom - my wife and I would purchase 1 piece per year of the nativity scene for our christmas decorations as a tradition. She thought it was a nice idea, and asked me what set I was getting pieces from. A few months later, she randomly shows up with a gift of all 3 wisemen. My wife was upset because this added fuel to the fire of her not listening to us, etc. Meanwhile, my mom has always said "take what you get and like it". I can see both sides of this one, but my wife is my one and only so I have to defend her first. It would be nice if my wife were more flexible, and/or it would be nice if my mom listened/respected our traditions more.

Hope that helps...


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

This is such a first world problem, OP. You are CREATING A PROBLEM. You are FINDING a reason to keep your mom away from your new baby.

From what I can see your wife has brainwashed you into believing that between her and her father they have the medical advice covered and won't need a dang thing from your mom. That may be the case but why oh why are you starting off defensive during this pregnancy???

He who looks for drama will find drama.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

CoralReef said:


> This is such a first world problem, OP. You are CREATING A PROBLEM. You are FINDING a reason to keep your mom away from your new baby.
> 
> From what I can see your wife has brainwashed you into believing that between her and her father they have the medical advice covered and won't need a dang thing from your mom. That may be the case but why oh why are you starting off defensive during this pregnancy???
> 
> He who looks for drama will find drama.


You are right about this being a first world problem, which I alluded to, twice in this thread.

This is a mild problem on a first world forum, there should be no illusions there. 

My wife isn't brainwashing me. The values we shared going in, and developed during our marriage just happen to cause conflicts. This isn't a thread about blaming my mom for anything... my question is how do I respectfully tell my mom that I disagree with her values, in a way that she will accept?

If this is such a first world problem, respectfully, Coral, you definitely shouldn't waste your intelligence and input on it. Totally reasonable position to take.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

CoralReef said:


> This is such a first world problem, OP. You are CREATING A PROBLEM. You are FINDING a reason to keep your mom away from your new baby.
> 
> From what I can see your wife has brainwashed you into believing that between her and her father they have the medical advice covered and won't need a dang thing from your mom. That may be the case but why oh why are you starting off defensive during this pregnancy???
> 
> He who looks for drama will find drama.


:iagree:


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Maverick, if you try standing up to your wife like you stand up to me you might find that you will have a lot healthier of a relationship with your mom.

Anyway, I advise that you deal with issues as they arrive. No one with any sense is going to say, call your mom up and list off all of the values that she has and let her know which ones you disagree with.

Instead of calling her before your wife even gives birth and saying "I know you do A B and C but wife and I want to do D E and F" Wait until she attempts A and gently tell her you and wife have chosen D.

The only thing that needs to be discussed before the birth is the birth and plans for the 1st month or two of baby's life.

"Hey mom, we don't want any visitors at the hospital but you will be one of the first people we skype with when Baby Mav gets here." "Hey mom, wife and I are going to want some time just the three of us once Baby Mav gets here so for those first three weeks we won't want any visitors but when we are ready we hope you might be willing to come spend a few days helping out and getting to know the newest addition of our family."

The above suggestions will go over better than "Mom, I know that you are going to want to invite Uncle Bob and his three kids over to the hospital while wife is in labor and I hate that you even want that. Wife and I think your birth and after birth expectations are stupid and we demand you follow our plans now"

Keep in mind that it is totally appropriate for your wife to be your number 1. In fact, most men have trouble defending their wives against their moms. I would say that here though you are the other extreme. Your mom has feelings too and while her wants and needs don't have a place in your marriage you can still include her and have a healthy relationship.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

maverick23 said:


> ... my question is how do I respectfully tell my mom that I disagree with her values, in a way that she will accept?


You state your "values" respectfully. Whether she "accepts" them or not is beyond your control.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You state your "values" respectfully. Whether she "accepts" them or not is beyond your control.


Couldn't agree more.

You need to tell BOTH women in your life where you stand. You need to respectfully tell your mom when she's crossed the line, reassure her you still love her but she needs to step back a bit ON THIS ONE ISSUE (whatever that issue is).

You also need to tell your wife that you and her will always be the main family, but she needs to be more flexible with your mom.

When you marry someone, they come as a package. They have a family that comes with them. Your wife has forgotten this. Now that you have a child, how would your wife respond if your child wanted to push her out of the picture because their spouse didn't like how your wife handled some issues?


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

I don't want to scare you, but if you think you have issues now , wait tell your baby is born.
I see a storm brewing, a mother that voices her option vs a wife that don't like her mother-in -law , and a new baby...

Its going to happen you will just not know which statement your mom will say, will be over the top..

We are grand parents, our first and only was born 16 months ago..this changed our lives, for the better..

We do our best to let my daughter and her husband raise there daughter and not interfere. I know we have said things, maybe we shouldn't have, but we also see things and we dare not say anything as it would be an insult to there parenting.
And we all get along perfectly, there is no bitterness between us..
We often go out together for dinner or other events..

In your situation you already have a wife and mother that have not bonded well.
The new baby will change everything , and hopefully your mother can watch what she says and what she does.
A mothers sensitivity level is at a higher level when they have a baby.She should and will do anything to protect her baby.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Thanks for the on-topic help.

The baby isn't necessarily going to cause a huge issue, but really at this point it is causing me to reflect and bringing to light that though I tried to sit my mom down last year and try to set some boundaries along these lines, it did not really yield any changes. 

I worry about this because while I respect my mom's lifestyle and her right to build it for herself, what it lacking is her understanding that it doesn't really fit well with my wife and I. She is well-meaning, but is not responsive to feedback and has proven to be ill-equipped to change.

Another good point brought up in a discussion with friends last night is that when I explain this situation, folks are often surprised at how much anxiety it causes me, and then I remember that I leave out a big contributor there - my bond with my dad has become very strong in the last several years and as a result we spend a good chunk of time commiserating about the situations we get put in. So, I carry an extra burden because when I put my foot down, I transfer the burden from me to my dad, which does not feel good.


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