# lacking emotions... looking for a diagnosis.



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

So, Im a fairly cold person, but still a nice guy. (not that kind of nice guy.)

Ill run across an icy street to help a little old lady who looks like she is about to fall.
Ill hold a door open for the people coming in behind me.
When my wife is very sad and crying, I will sit beside her and do my best to comfort her.

But thats really as far as it goes. I do not share my wifes sorrow. She is my wife, and she is upset and I will do what I can to lessen her sadness. Thats literally the thought running through my head. There is zero empathy going on. 
Recently I got the whole "I just fell back in love with you" letter and Id say its because of my journey into self-growth (No longer do I man-up.)
I see a speedbump many many years in the future. Wife says she is falling back in love with me, but I have always been a zero emotion kind of guy, I just traded in the nice guy label for some alpha traits. So I have changed, but I still do not provide her with the emotional connections she wants out of marriage, and she will realize it 10 years from now, like many of the women on these boards.

EDIT: I guess what Im getting t is that I dont really know how to emotionally connect with other human beings, and I want some advice, input, insight, etc.

Thanks.

what to do? All this emotional stuff is over my head.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

YOu sound like a decent enough guy to me, what with the old lady falling, door holding comforting your wife deals. Something motivates you to act with kindness. If not empathy, what is it?
I mean, seriously, you are acting decently toward others in a time of need. That sounds like empathy to me.

You don't need to be all teary eyed about things. Actions speak volumes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It is about being "vulnerable" with someone you love, allowing yourself to bravely open that door. Please take the time to LISTEN to this 20 minute clip on this thread I did ...it should answer most of your questions, things you may have never considered or set your mind too.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I had the conversation with my wife last night, after posting.

She says she has noticed a huge drop in my outward emotions over the past couple years. She says while she has never doubted my love for her, there are certain physical cues I never send her anymore. She says even though she very much loves me, and knows that I very much love her, there is still something missing. 

I appreciate the input thus far, and SA, the video speaks to me. I need to let it digest a little more.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> I had the conversation with my wife last night, after posting.
> 
> She says she has noticed a huge drop in my outward emotions over the past couple years. She says while she has never doubted my love for her, *there are certain physical cues I never send her anymore*. She says even though she very much loves me, and knows that I very much love her, there is still something missing.
> 
> I appreciate the input thus far, and SA, the video speaks to me. I need to let it digest a little more.


Can she identify those physical cues to you? If so, what has changed in you or your life that you do not do them anymore?

I think that all too often people get complacent in their marriages. The little things that meant a lot during those early years often dwindle down over time - you slowly loosen and start cutting the threads that were built up that tether you together.

_“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last!” ~ Simone Signoret _ 

You don't have to go down the path of disconnection, though, if you don't choose to. Look at the cues and clues that your wife is giving you so that you can make a better marriage.

Best wishes.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Maybe you are just like my husband. Emotionally distant and unavailable. Unable to connect or experience empathy. Go through the motions but deep down you feel nothing. It's probably due to your childhood and relationships with your mother, according to the shrinks.

I just read a great book on the subject: The Emotionally Unavailable Man by Patti Henry. 

I suggest you read it. It explains a lot and how you can start to heal yourself.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Can she identify those physical cues to you? If so, what has changed in you or your life that you do not do them anymore?


She only says they are just a bunch of little lovey dovey things I used to do. She says it was right around the time we got married that I stopped doing them. This is also the time that she put on approx. 100lbs. My wifes idea is that since I am less emotional, that makes me more physical, and since she has put on weight she figures I have withdrawn a little more.



brokenbythis said:


> Maybe you are just like my husband. Emotionally distant and unavailable. Unable to connect or experience empathy. Go through the motions but deep down you feel nothing. It's probably due to your childhood and relationships with your mother, according to the shrinks.
> 
> I just read a great book on the subject: The Emotionally Unavailable Man by Patti Henry.
> 
> I suggest you read it. It explains a lot and how you can start to heal yourself.


I will have to look into the book.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Counselling or helping others work through their problems does not always rely on empathy. In fact, it is encouraged to be able to detach yourself from their problems to be more professional.

As for empathy itself... I guess I was once a rather empathic child, I felt pain others felt, felt joy others felt, etc etc. However at the age of 12 though I was forced to harden due to a traumatic experience, and many after that. As I grew up into adulthood however, I accepted more of myself but still ended up using my empathy as a weapon for my own benefit - and it turns out I ended up with good instincts because of it. I consider it more of a gift of a predator's instinct rather then all this emo stuff attached to what people think of empathy.

But not everything is gifted, empathy with women when it comes to relationship I also had to develop through relationships (and some rather cruel emotional experiments that I performed in the past). Even if your gut tells you something is wrong, it doesn't exactly tell you what is wrong - that's left to experience.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> She only says they are just a bunch of little lovey dovey things I used to do. She says it was right around the time we got married that I stopped doing them. This is also the time that she put on approx. 100lbs. My wifes idea is that since I am less emotional, that makes me more physical, and since she has put on weight she figures I have withdrawn a little more.


Do you find her less desirable now?

If not, then what's stopping you from doing some of those 'lovey dovey' things again? If it's because you feel lazy about it, then that's the wrong answer. 

And if you do find her less desirable, then what path is it that you want your marriage to take? Because you have a choice. We cannot control our mates, we cannot control their weight, we cannot control their tempers, we cannot control their aging. We all change whether we like it or not. BUT, we can control what we do and how we act toward our spouses.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

If I put on 100lbs, I think a case could be made for me not empathising with my spouse. I think a case could be made that I am not acting lovingly toward my spouse.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Do you find her less desirable now?
> 
> If not, then what's stopping you from doing some of those 'lovey dovey' things again? If it's because you feel lazy about it, then that's the wrong answer.
> 
> And if you do find her less desirable, then what path is it that you want your marriage to take? Because you have a choice. We cannot control our mates, we cannot control their weight, we cannot control their tempers, we cannot control their aging. We all change whether we like it or not. BUT, we can control what we do and how we act toward our spouses.


I will admit that I am no longer physically attracted to her. 100lbs is a lot, and no, I have not put on a single pound myself.

Why am I no longer lovey dovey with wifey... Id consider it a symptom of something else... but what? 

Like I said, I want my wife to be happy. But doing those those things doesnt translate into emotions of happiness for me. I dont know how to put meaning into it, and without that underlying meaning I see it as an empty gesture... Im not sure how to change this.


In regards to a path.... Since we fell in love we have been prancing through the forest holdings hands going no place specific. We have slowly been looking for our path, and Im sure in time we will find it, but until then I could not guess what it will be. I have noticed over time things most certainly do fall into place, though.

She wants to lose the weight and told me last night that she feels like a shadow of her former self. She was always slightly larger than her size zero, club hopping girlfriends and that has left its mark on her person. Now that she's in the double digits she is incredibly insecure and feels like she cannot be herself around anyone. I have definitely noticed this in her too. 

Perhaps this is just life. Figuring out who you are and where your going. I always thought, still do, that by the time I hit my late 20's everything would be in place, and it would be smoot sailing for th next 60 years... Maybe thats just my faery tale.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Counselling or helping others work through their problems does not always rely on empathy. In fact, it is encouraged to be able to detach yourself from their problems to be more professional.
> 
> As for empathy itself... I guess I was once a rather empathic child, I felt pain others felt, felt joy others felt, etc etc. However at the age of 12 though I was forced to harden due to a traumatic experience, and many after that. As I grew up into adulthood however, I accepted more of myself but still ended up using my empathy as a weapon for my own benefit - and it turns out I ended up with good instincts because of it. I consider it more of a gift of a predator's instinct rather then all this emo stuff attached to what people think of empathy.
> 
> But not everything is gifted, empathy with women when it comes to relationship I also had to develop through relationships (and some rather cruel emotional experiments that I performed in the past). Even if your gut tells you something is wrong, it doesn't exactly tell you what is wrong - that's left to experience.


I see what your saying Random, and it clicks with me. 

But I do want to be more empathetic to my wife.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Arnold said:


> If I put on 100lbs, I think a case could be made for me not empathising with my spouse. I think a case could be made that I am not acting lovingly toward my spouse.


its a tough one.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Sock Puppet, I think you will find it interesting to note that my husband feels the same way about himself as you do yourself and has always told me this. Considering I am very easily moved to feel for others, one might assume I wouldn't be attracted to him but I am appallingly attracted to him. I also don't see him as unsympathetic as he thinks he is and since he's always been very attune to my wants and needs and helped me fulfill them with gusto, he's endeared himself to me in a way no one else ever has.

He may not be emotional but he pays attention and he's extremely detail oriented and creative. He will remember a passing thought I had and then make it happen for me months later when I will have completely forgotten it was a thought/want. These traits completely compensate for the fact that he's not always feeling everyone else's pain like I do. It's almost a relief that he's not and it has helped me make better choices and it also makes it so that when we actually work together, we accomplish amazing things.

We actually had an argument over this topic recently. I was hosting a benefit yard sale for an organization and we had worked together closely to make sure it would be a great marketing opportunity for the org as we were launching a "get involved by doing small things and volunteer" type of thing for the org at the same time. He was fully behind me because he knew I wanted to do it and because he knew he had access to resources that would make it a great thing.

Afterwards I was babbling about how wonderful it was and yadda, yadda, thank you soooooo much for helping me, you're my hero type crap and he says, "I only did it for you, you realize I don't care about the cause at all". I was like....Chicken said what?!

Granted, he's also taken time off from work to come to work with me and help me get things done. He's been simply unrelenting in helping me succeed. I thought it was because he cared about the cause (something I've always cared about). We ran a non-profit together for five years and always got along then too. He never voiced that it was for me and not a shared interest then. I think he likes it because it's somewhere he can naturally give me exactly what I want. When I wasn't working he was lost for ways to make me happy and I deteriorated to my worst.

After he voiced why he was doing what he was doing I felt deflated that I was really alone but surrounded by all this support that wasn't sincere.

Then I woke up and realized the support was sincere but it was aimed at me. Once I realized this I gave him a huge apology.

My whole point in telling you this is that you don't have to empathize with your wife all the time to love her. You have to care about her enough that you want to do things for her, be there for her. You don't have to carry her pain to want to fix the pain and help, you don't have to want to have sex with her if she's gained 100 lbs either. There's nothing wrong with this. Loving her does not equate feeling everything she feels or being able to empathize, it equates supporting her and wanting her to be happy. 

A happy relationship doesn't equate always feeling one another's emotions, it equates being willing to come together and work with what you both have. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Your wife has to recognize your needs/wants. You have to recognize her needs/wants and you both have to be willing to take action on these needs/wants. If either one is out of sync things will start to fall apart. Which is why openness and communication are far more important than any worry you have that you're not empathetic.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Empathy is not emotions, it's AN emotion. I am not a terribly sympathetic person nor do I go out of my way to try to 'feel' what others feel. I see it as unimportant. But am I a cyborg? No.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Empathy is not emotions, it's AN emotion. I am not a terribly sympathetic person nor do I go out of my way to try to 'feel' what others feel. I see it as unimportant. But am I a cyborg? No.


Is it an emotion or the ability to feel the emotions of others? I don't think the two are the same.

You are a cyborg dog. You absolutely feel empathy towards the dogs you care for, no?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sock are you a detailed oriented person. Do your intellectual persuits sland towards mechanical/ mathematical subjects? Do you have a creative side, like music, literature poetry? What kind of work do you do. 

Some mechanically/ mathematically oriented people are less people oriented and pay more attention to things than people. An example of this is the late Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. I believe there is a natural spectrum of ability to see the world through another person eyes. Each extreme is abnormal too little is simular autisum and too much is parylizing. Your post are insightful and helpful and I think you are compassionate even though you think you cannot she the would through your wifes eyes. 

Perhaps it is the nature of the problems with your wife and not a global problem with empathy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Sock are you a detailed oriented person. Do your intellectual persuits sland towards mechanical/ mathematical subjects? Do you have a creative side, like music, literature poetry? What kind of work do you do.
> 
> Some mechanically/ mathematically oriented people are less people oriented and pay more attention to things than people. An example of this is the late Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. I believe there is a natural spectrum of ability to see the world through another person eyes. Each extreme is abnormal too little is simular autisum and too much is parylizing. Your post are insightful and helpful and I think you are compassionate even though you think you cannot she the would through your wifes eyes.
> 
> ...


 Logical, Creative, very Meticulous. Mechanical design is something I excelled at far above my peers in High School.

As of right now I work in the tourism sector (Im a business grad.), but Im leaving it in the next couple of months for an Electrical Apprenticeship. I find business owers and managers are too much about the bottom line, and it gets on my nerves. My philosophy is Happy Employee's = happy customers = repeat business = bigger bottom line. However I always lose my managers when I dont start off with "Bottom Line"... I say that because maybe I am slightly people oriented, although Im not someone who feels comfortable with people. Never have.

SA's post made me think that perhaps I guard my emotional state, and am afraid to become vulnerable. MY childhood, I was extremely independant, and didnt start developing friends until I was 14.

I think my previous beliefs on all of this were faulty childhood programming, or mybe a complete lack of truly understanding how to properly interact with others. There is a lot of great info for me to think about,...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

your wife may be right about her extra wieght being part of the issue. it may just be coincidence, but when things coincide in a relationship it is often related. let your wife know what would make her more atractive to you, and ask her what would make you more atractive to her. do what you can to be more atractive to her and encourage her to be more atractive to you. my wife used to let her dental hygene slip, which i casually let her know bothered me. for the longest time she refused to go to a dentist and eventually it started to affect our sex life. i was still incredibly supportive of her, but it wasnt until i had a talk with her about how it tore me up inside she did anything about it. i felt guilty because it was a turn off. she was scared to death of dentists and i felt like it shouldnt have been such a big issue to me, but in fact it was. i couldnt help but feel repulsed at times, but i still loved her dearly. after a while, i stopped feeling much at all, i think because it was easier that way than dealing with the guilt, confusion, and anxiety of being so affected by what i kept telling myself was a nonissue. long story short, after refusing her advances one night, i broke down and started crying. i had been emotionally unavailable for months, even though i did everything i could to make her happy. so, we talked. i told her how the issue really affected me and that i would do anything to get rid of that horrible feeling. we made an agreement, she would go to a dentist and get her teeth cleaned and start swimming to lose a few pounds and tone up, and i would let my hair grow out the way she likes and start wearing clothes that she thinks i look good in. we started connecting again, and i started feeling things i hadnt in quite a long time. we cant really help how we feel, but we can help what we do in response. since sex is an emotional experience, it becomes a microcosm of everything else going on in the relationship. there may be more to it than that for you, but i know looking back that it was the guilt association in my own mind that caused me to stop feeling for a while.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I am not a terribly sympathetic person nor do I go out of my way to try to 'feel' what others feel. I see it as unimportant.


Being empathethic has its advantages as long as it is treated the same as feeling physical pain in your body; treated as messages. Knowledge is power, and when you can feel what they feel and combine it with your instincts (which in my opinion is your subconscious picking important signals that your conscious mind may have missed) as well as combining with logical analysis you can gauge what people are thinking and feeling.

Some like me end up being malicious with it and I was much worse in the past, I used it to defend myself however. But the potential for good is there as well.

@Sockpuppet

You do not have to be vulnerable with empathy, I learnt that lesson. When I was young I despised my own empathy as I could not control myself when I felt sadness when others felt sadness or anger when others felt anger. But it turned out it was too useful for survival to waste.

If it is fear that stops you from empathy, then let it go. I have a fear of vulnerability, but not empathy as I learnt how to control it for my own benefit. It's very useful, look at it that way, instead of seeing it as a possible weakness.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> She only says they are just a bunch of little lovey dovey things I used to do. She says it was right around the time we got married that I stopped doing them. This is also the time that she put on approx. *100lbs*. My wifes idea is that since I am less emotional, that makes me more physical, and since she has put on weight she figures I have withdrawn a little more.
> 
> 
> 
> I will have to look into the book.


I cannot see how a man can actually desire an obese woman while at the same time I understand some men can. But it’s not for me, in fact it’s a massive turn off and in some ways I’m actually repulsed by it.

Over the course of time you may well have been suppressing and denying your desire for your wife that was there before she got so massively over weight. Desire, passion, sex drive are massive parts of a man’s emotions. In fact I’d say that it is those emotions that literally drive us to do the loving things we do. It drives our creativity and sometimes our originality. It drives our planning, fortitude and tenacity. It’s what our goal setting and achievements are all about. That “passion”.

But just maybe as a man you have suppressed your passion and your desire because you do not feel like making love with your wife. You may even be repulsed just by the thought of it. And hence you have turned it all off. And now you feel as though you are lacking emotions.

If this is indeed the case you are still capable of feeling passion and desire but it will take you a while to let yourself feel them again and to let yourself enjoy them again. And of course unless you somehow learn how to desire and feel passionate about making love with your wife, you’ll never feel those emotions again while you are still with her.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Holy ****. This has answered so many questions I have in my own life that it is eery. I just never knew they were there to be asked.

So many similarities, thank you SockPuppet, and thank you AFEH.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s part of what SimplyAmorous talks about re being vulnerable. Sometimes in marriages we deny or suppress our emotions such that we are not vulnerable! We deny them because we don’t want to get hurt again. And in that very somewhat subconscious/unconscious way we’ve gone and put up a massive emotional brick wall between our partner and our self.

But this denial and/or suppression if happening over a longish period becomes an unconscious habit and therefore a way of life. And it’s a way of life that can have very damaging consequences. If for example we suppress in order to stop “getting it up” with our wife because of one reason or another, than what we’ve ended up doing is suppressing our sexual desire, not in a conscious way but in an unconscious way. And this is what I think they talk about ED as to whether it’s physical or mental/emotional/psychological.

Men do need to feel an emotional connection with their wives in order to make love with them, at least a healthy and respectful love. That emotional connection amongst other emotions includes desire and passion. If those two emotions have been suppressed then perhaps the emotional connection is gone. At least from the sexual point of view.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> your wife may be right about her extra wieght being part of the issue. it may just be coincidence, but when things coincide in a relationship it is often related. let your wife know what would make her more atractive to you, and ask her what would make you more atractive to her. do what you can to be more atractive to her and encourage her to be more atractive to you. my wife used to let her dental hygene slip, which i casually let her know bothered me. for the longest time she refused to go to a dentist and eventually it started to affect our sex life. i was still incredibly supportive of her, but it wasnt until i had a talk with her about how it tore me up inside she did anything about it. i felt guilty because it was a turn off. she was scared to death of dentists and i felt like it shouldnt have been such a big issue to me, but in fact it was. i couldnt help but feel repulsed at times, but i still loved her dearly. after a while, i stopped feeling much at all, i think because it was easier that way than dealing with the guilt, confusion, and anxiety of being so affected by what i kept telling myself was a nonissue. long story short, after refusing her advances one night, i broke down and started crying. i had been emotionally unavailable for months, even though i did everything i could to make her happy. so, we talked. i told her how the issue really affected me and that i would do anything to get rid of that horrible feeling. we made an agreement, she would go to a dentist and get her teeth cleaned and start swimming to lose a few pounds and tone up, and i would let my hair grow out the way she likes and start wearing clothes that she thinks i look good in. we started connecting again, and i started feeling things i hadnt in quite a long time. we cant really help how we feel, but we can help what we do in response. since sex is an emotional experience, it becomes a microcosm of everything else going on in the relationship. there may be more to it than that for you, but i know looking back that it was the guilt association in my own mind that caused me to stop feeling for a while.


I think you were in a very difficult situation. People say they like honesty in their relationships but sometimes it’s really tough for the person to be emotionally honest and for the person receiving their honesty. But what does a marriage have if there is not emotional honesty in it?

I think a lot of us struggle with this. It’s speaking our mind about how we honestly feel about things even though we don’t really want to speak it. So instead of being honest and confronting the issues at hand we suppress and suppress until it becomes a massive, perhaps marriage breaking problem.

At the end of the day you did the right thing. You gave your wife the opportunity to step up her game and become desirable to you again. She would not have done that if she wasn’t in love with you and truly appreciates the things you do for her. I believe on the other hand that those wives who do not step up their game do so in the hope that it will drive their husband away.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Is it an emotion or the ability to feel the emotions of others? I don't think the two are the same.
> 
> You are a cyborg dog. You absolutely feel empathy towards the dogs you care for, no?


I guess empathy is an emotion. More or less. I said that. Do I feel empathy towards my dogs? No. I feel an obligation to treat them well as any animal deserves to be treated. But I don't worry about their 'feelings'. Animals live in the right now. Not 5 minutes ago or 5 minutes from now. 

The issue really to me is, can you reliably put yourself in someone else's mind and not project everything you want that person to be upon that? At what point does empathy become pity? At what point is it hubris?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I guess empathy is an emotion. More or less. I said that. Do I feel empathy towards my dogs? No. I feel an obligation to treat them well as any animal deserves to be treated. But I don't worry about their 'feelings'. Animals live in the right now. Not 5 minutes ago or 5 minutes from now.
> 
> The issue really to me is, can you reliably put yourself in someone else's mind and not project everything you want that person to be upon that? At what point does empathy become pity? At what point is it hubris?


If you didn't empathize with your dogs to understand the needs of the dogs you care for why care for them at all? You could throw them to the woods and wish them the best while mumbling something about how the strongest will survive.

Compassion is more riddled with pity and hubris than empathy. Compassion is more about us and how viewing others makes us feel while empathy is more about understanding the emotions of another.

If we truly step outside of ourselves long enough to understand someone else, we experience connection. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of someone else. So it's not an internal feeling or standard emotion, it's an external, interactive experience/emotion.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Over the course of time you may well have been suppressing and denying your desire for your wife that was there before she got so massively over weight. Desire, passion, sex drive are massive parts of a man’s emotions. In fact I’d say that it is those emotions that literally drive us to do the loving things we do. It drives our creativity and sometimes our originality. It drives our planning, fortitude and tenacity. It’s what our goal setting and achievements are all about. That “passion”.


Ill have to let this soak in a bit more, but my initial response is that its very insightful and makes a lot of sence to me.


Something else I was discussing with my wife, was all the friendships I have developed over the years. not many. I dont connect with people in general, but I feel that because of a lousy upbringing, not being around anyone my own age until 14, and having absent minded parents, I was never able to fully develop certain emotional aspects of my character that would allow for positive socioal interactives in the long term.

Basically, I dont have the experience to properly emote. I would very much agree wiht what SA brought up, and I feel that I am a very emotionally guarded individual, again, this is likely due to the fact that I grew up in an emotionally sterile environment (alone). Recalling High School, I was very quiet, and while I always considered myself a quiet guy, or even a shy guy, Im thinking it was caused by fear of being vulnerable, and this is a script I have been running off of my whole life.

After High School and before an ex chopped my balls off, I can recall having some phenomenal conversations with people, and I recall a few of those silly Friendship quizzes, and a couple of girls put my name under: Who's your fav. person to talk to.

Its getting better, and Im considerably more aware of the fact I have an emotional state, so I can really start to work on bring it to the surface a little more.

While I enjoy Random's opinion of not feeling others sorrow, and how emotions act as survival instincts (sorry if I mis-quote), I find the fact that I get bored at funerals to be kind of rude... But then again, maybe thats just me.

All in all, Im pretty happy guy right now.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

*New development, and Id appreciate some input on it.*

I literally just got off the phone with my wife. My uncle just had a heart attack. We live in a Rural community with horrendous healthcare. He had to be taken by ambulance to the next town over, and they are awaiting an opening at Vancouver General before they fly him over there for surgery (its a 6hour flight). Apperantly its looking very bad.

My wife was in tears telling me this.

My Uncle was my neighbour for the first 12 years of my life, and was just as active as either of my parents (not much) in raising me.

The fact he may be on his deathbed doesnt bother me....


I feel kind of cold, in this sence. But maybe its not really a bad thing. Logically it doesnt make sence to get upset over it, whatever will be, will be.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> *New development, and Id appreciate some input on it.*
> 
> I literally just got off the phone with my wife. My uncle just had a heart attack. We live in a Rural community with horrendous healthcare. He had to be taken by ambulance to the next town over, and they are awaiting an opening at Vancouver General before they fly him over there for surgery (its a 6hour flight). Apperantly its looking very bad.
> 
> ...


Let me ask you a question. Imagine for a moment that the call you got was instead from a police officer telling you the very same information about your wife rather than your uncle. How do you think you would feel? What actions do you think you would take?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I think your lack of empathy IS a problem in any relationship, most epsecially in marriage. You are smart to be worried about it.

I would venture to guess that your wife's weight gain is related to your inability to meet many of her emotional needs. I am not saying this to cast blame on you. But many women married to emotionally distant men often put on weight when they are unhappy with unmet expectations from their husbands. They often use food as a substitute for love, empathy, etc. 

Getting therapy to connect with better with people is a worthwhile effort. You can learn how to trust the right people with your thoughts and emotions.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Let me ask you a question. Imagine for a moment that the call you got was instead from a police officer telling you the very same information about your wife rather than your uncle. How do you think you would feel? What actions do you think you would take?


Well, without it happening I couldnt be certain, but after a little thought, I think Id completely freeze. Go numb.

I wouldnt know how to respond to something like that... But I tell you what, you raising this question envokes a larger emotional responce in me, than the news about my uncle. When wifey called me, I didnt skip a beat with the paperwork I was going through at the time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SockPuppet said:


> *New development, and Id appreciate some input on it.*
> 
> I literally just got off the phone with my wife. My uncle just had a heart attack. We live in a Rural community with horrendous healthcare. He had to be taken by ambulance to the next town over, and they are awaiting an opening at Vancouver General before they fly him over there for surgery (its a 6hour flight). Apperantly its looking very bad.
> 
> ...


You said he was a big part of your life the 1st 12 yrs of growing up.... I assume...this was likely ages ago... he is probably very old now, and sure it is sad but this is how life goes, you come to expect this -like the "Lion King" , the circle of life, you probably haven't seen him all that much recently or in past years due to busyness , and for this reason (if that is the case) I would not find anything wrong with you at all- for not having much of a reaction. 

I went to my own Grandmothers funeral today, didn't shed a tear, she was very old, had dementia, was on a feeding tube & in my opioion, would have been best for her to have died 
3 yrs earlier, (yes I know this sounds very cold). My grandfather & Aunt decided on these extra measures - while other family member felt that she would not have wanted that. (how important Living wills are !) I did not like seeing her suffer like that, she would grind her teeth & moan, she couldn't speak, didn't know who anyone was. I hated it. I didn't even want to see her much at all, I wanted to remember her the way she was, the good times, her smile, years past, growing up. 

Now if this was one of my close friends who died I would be taking it WAY harder, tears & tears, I remember reading somewhere...When someone dies we are close too, the more time we spent with them, the more heartbreaking it will be -because now we have these barren empthy moments without them & all the laughter & JOY they brought to our lives with these recent memories still hammering our brains & hearts ....... That re-adjusting for their void, this is what brings on the overload of tears. If we have not seen someone is years & years, this is just different somehow. At least -it is for me, as life still is near the same as it was , without the occasional moment of thinking of "my uncle" or whomever it may be. 

I've never had too much problem showing people the REAL me, if anything, I am TOO emotionally open, it is a rare fault to have. Over the years I have realized, when I held back who I REALLY was -I came off as shy & basically aloof as I could have said alot cause I was sure thinking it ! But didn't so noone could know me. ---that didn't do me any favors at all . So better to take a chance, just BE what you are - flaws & all, somehow I was MORE accepted, but of coarse not by everyone. Never will everyone like us, it doesn't matter who we are. BUt if we like them, it is worth the risk, I will always feel this -it has served me well anyway. 

I guess I have learned to bounce back rather quickly when rejected. You know, you just might have to remind yourself who does love you at the end of the day. This is our cure. 

...But I get bored at funerals too, they are not places I like to go at all. I get very nervous if I feel I have to play a "role".. say all the "proper" things , I can't even do that. I generally am more upbeat & just TALK to people as if I just ran into them at Walmart, doesn't most of us! Forget the formality. If someone is old, even if we was close, I rarely cry, It is just the way of life, my mind tells me "this is the way it is supposed to be". 

Now if a child dies, that is different, I may not even know them -but the heart BLEEDS for the family, just imaginig being in their shoes, that is all it takes. If my husband or one of my children died, they'd have to drug me, this I know.

MY other Grandmother, I shed no tears at her funeral either. I always recall the words of a small plague she had on her living room wall ....it said " Never regret growing old, it is a privledge denied to many". Even as a kid, I took those words to heart. She lived to be old, I didn't cry, she had a good life, this was to be celebrated.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> Well, without it happening I couldnt be certain, but after a little thought, I think Id completely freeze. Go numb.
> 
> I wouldnt know how to respond to something like that... But I tell you what, you raising this question envokes a larger emotional responce in me, than the news about my uncle. When wifey called me, I didnt skip a beat with the paperwork I was going through at the time.


First, it's admirable that you care about not caring for your Uncle. I didn't think your lack of emotion for your Uncle was odd. Unless someone is in our life every day, our connection to them becomes lessened. This isn't a lack of empathy because your Uncle is no longer here to empathize with.

Second, it's obvious you do care about your Wife. Be more vulnerable with her. Give it a try. Allow her in.

Think about it like this. How many horrible things happen every day? Do the majority of people make themselves vulnerable to share the emotions of those around them besides their close family and friends? No, they don't and they are very much like you. They will feel numb, turn away before learning too much or make an excuse as to why they can't help...even if they know there is an injustice or someone else is suffering unfairly. 

If they didn't then what would happen? They'd feel a sense of responsibility and would be more prompted to take action. The truth is, unless something becomes popular or is advertised on the news to force others to collectively empathize with things...most people will ignore it. We do this because otherwise we'd be emotionally exhausted, limited in our ability to care for our own direct family or so consumed by the needs and wants of others that we'd lose track of our own.

It is a choice. You are capable. Stop pondering over all the things that limit you and your life and start thinking about all the possibilities around you and begin to take advantage of them. Your ability to connect to your wife on a very deep level so that there is another person walking around who actually knows the you inside of you is one possibility.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SP you may get a lot out of reading Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman: Amazon.com: Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (9780553375060): Daniel Goleman: Books) I found it very enlightening.


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