# New Revelations...



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

So the weekend brought with it a lot of new information. After my H lied about what he was doing this weekend, I was pretty mad. Sunday he changed his facebook relationship status from Married to Single--of course this set me off cause my phone started ringing immediately. I was out shopping with my daughter when I heard the info. When I got home, I got into his account and changed it back to Married since we haven't even started the divorce proceedings. 

Up until now, I have not wanted to know who the OW was. I thought that knowing would only make things worse. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say. I texted H and told him he was unbelievable. H never replied, I got more angry, and I took the steps to find out who the OW is. Turns out that she has worked for his family company for 10 years. She has been his friend for that whole time. She is also married and her H works with the company as well. They have 3 kids and have been married for 12 years. This is a really weird situation because they could both lose their jobs and she would lose her H and kids. 

The other news is that H has been in therapy and has a lot of issues going on that he is just now starting to understand. Based on the information I know about the OW and H's secret therapy sessions, I have a different view point on H's EA. I am not trying to justify his behavior at all, but I am not convinced anymore that he is filing for a D because of the OW. He has too much to lose by ever admitting to this EA. He knows he can never, ever be with her...ever! Is it possible that his mental issues have caused the need for a D, but the EA is sort of a coping mechanism that he is using? I guess what I mean is this OW is basically a "safe bet". He gets all of his emotional needs met. He still feels like someone cares about him. There is still somebody that strokes his ego, but in the back of his head, he knows that she will never push him for anything more than what it is now. It also helps him to get over the pain of losing his family. He is extremely disappointed in the way things have turned out, but he has to do this for his sanity. And I can't stand in his way any longer.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tell her husband now


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> tell her husband now


I know that seems like the common sense thing to do, but I am not sure that I can ruin the lives of so many people. Like I said, this is a situation that can rip many families apart. I know that there is no PA. It is strictly a EA. Honestly, the OW has served this role in my H's life before---she was married the first time it happened too. Funny thing is that I assumed that H is out all the time with the OW, but this is highly impossible. She is at work, then with her kids and husband. Yeah, my H talks to her a lot throughout the day but her marriage and children aren't suffering for it. Like I said, both her and her H work for my H and his family. This could be a big bomb for a lot of people, so I don't want to start calling husbands before I think about this a little more.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> Ibut I am not sure that I can ruin the lives of so many people. Like I said, this is a situation that can rip many families apart.



you did nothing 
you did not ruin their lives your husband and OW did
you will not rip them apart, your husband and OW will

it is the right thing to do
the husband does not have all of the facts and cannot function in a good marriage without them, you are doing him a service by letting him know. What if he sees how bad the marriage is and is desperately trying to fix it by doing things on his end? The poor guy has no clue that none of that is his fault if that's the case.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> I know that seems like the common sense thing to do, but I am not sure that I can ruin the lives of so many people. Like I said, this is a situation that can rip many families apart.


You mean like how she helped ruin/betray your marriage/life? Without any warning and behind your back?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

I know I am not responsible for their behavior, but I don't know if I could live with the fact that I brought everything to the surface. My H and the OW had a EA 9 years ago (she was married at the time). It was all by mail, but it lasted for over 2 years. This is the woman he runs to whenever he feels alone in the world. She is his security blanket. She has no intentions of leaving her H or breaking up her happy home, she is only humoring my H. For all I know, her H knows exactly what is going on. If I know about their past EA, he would have to know. They were sending letters to each other 2-3 times a week. I know the OW and H have a very good marriage and are very happy together. I think that my H has built it up in his head to be something it's not. Like I said, he is seeing a psychologist about 23 years of repressed emotions that have completely messed up his mind. The OW also knows of his troubled past. This is why I am having trouble with this decision. I know that from my side, their relationship is not right, but OW and her H might have a different view. I don't know why but I am finding this to be a harder decision than I thought it would be. I was prepared for the OW to be some young girl, no kids, no husband trying to rekindle an old flame with my H. Instead it is an older woman, 3 kids, married who my H has known for 10+ years...i didn't expect to know who she was and about her personal life. It is really hard to make this decision..


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You mean like how she helped ruin/betray your marriage/life? Without any warning and behind your back?


She didn't ruin/betray my marriage. My H did that on his own. Telling the OW's H would make me feel horrible! Yes, I hate the way my H has made me feel. The worst part is the fact that he is willing to so easily give up on our marriage. But I couldn't stand being the messenger of this type of message. And maybe it is the right thing for me to do but it would really make me feel awful to have to make that phone call. It would cause so much damage..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The damage has already been done!!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> She didn't ruin/betray my marriage. My H did that on his own. Telling the OW's H would make me feel horrible! Yes, I hate the way my H has made me feel. The worst part is the fact that he is willing to so easily give up on our marriage. But I couldn't stand being the messenger of this type of message. And maybe it is the right thing for me to do but it would really make me feel awful to have to make that phone call. It would cause so much damage..


So, ask yourself why you're choosing to accept his behavior. Honestly I would like to know the answer to that myself. You are making excuses for him. Why?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> So, ask yourself why you're choosing to accept his behavior. Honestly I would like to know the answer to that myself. You are making excuses for him. Why?


I'm not accepting his behavior at all. We are technically still married but are starting the divorce process. He is free to do what he wants and I do what I want. At this point there is nothing I can do about his behavior. If I would have found out the OW identity sooner, I might have a different opinion about telling her H. I might have been able to stop H from talking to her, but he would still have a lot of mental issues to deal with. I know one thing for sure: telling the H will not help MY personal situation at all...it would destroy what little I have left. I know it seems like I am making excuses for my H but I'm not. I am trying to make a decision based on what will be good for me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> I'm not accepting his behavior at all. We are technically still married but are starting the divorce process. He is free to do what he wants and I do what I want. At this point there is nothing I can do about his behavior. If I would have found out the OW identity sooner, I might have a different opinion about telling her H. I might have been able to stop H from talking to her, but *he would still have a lot of mental issues to deal with*. I know one thing for sure: telling the H will not help MY personal situation at all...it would destroy what little I have left. I know it seems like I am making excuses for my H but I'm not. I am trying to make a decision based on what will be good for me.



I wasn't asking that question in the context of you telling the OW's family. I was sincerely asking why you make excuses for your husbands behavior. What mental issues does your husband have? You seem to be giving him a pass because of them. How many times is this situation going to pop up in your relationship? More than once is just too many IMO, but that's your call, not his. He obviously didn't get the memo the first time that you will not stand for this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell the OWH he deserves to know his wife is tied up this deeply with another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I wasn't asking that question in the context of you telling the OW's family. *I was sincerely asking why you make excuses for your husbands behavior. What mental issues does your husband have?* You seem to be giving him a pass because of them. *How many times is this situation going to pop up in your relationship? More than once is just too many IMO, but that's your call, not his. He obviously didn't get the memo the first time that you will not stand for this*.


I honestly think I still make "excuses" for H because for 7 years I have been the one to take whatever he was feeling and help him understand it. Now that he is getting the help that he needs, he is starting to be able to understand his own feelings on his own. I guess old habits die hard. 

He is not getting a pass, obviously, because we are getting a divorce. This is the second time he has done this in our relationship. The first time we weren't married and I left him. Three months later we were able to be back together, but he never got counseling then so the problem was still there. 



Shaggy said:


> Tell the OWH he deserves to know his wife is tied up this deeply with another man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See that's the thing. All the clues that I am finding now aren't pointing to my H being "tied up deeply" with the OW. It is a lot of texting back and forth and three phone calls a day. Maybe I am wrong but I am not good at confronting issues like this and bringing them up with other people. I feel like I don't know the whole story so I shouldn't make a move. I just assumed that if it came down to this, I would be able to shed light on H and OW. But now that I am starting to uncover things, I am second guessing on whether to blow this out of the water or not :scratchhead:

I guess to some the answer is cut and dry. I appreciate everybody's input. It is helping me to make a better decision.:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> I know I am not responsible for their behavior, but* I don't know if I could live with the fact that I brought everything to the surface. **My H and the OW had a EA 9 years ago (she was married at the time).* It was all by mail, *but it lasted for over 2 years. This is the woman he runs to whenever he feels alone in the world. She is his security blanket.* *She has no intentions of leaving her H or breaking up her happy home, she is only humoring my H.* I know the OW and H have a very good marriage and are very happy together.


You are better than me because I would have called her husband 9 years ago when they had their first affair. All you are doing is helping them carry on their little secret/affair, enabling them. Protecting the affair. 



somuchinlove said:


> She didn't ruin/betray my marriage.


I said she HELPED ruin/betray your marriage. 

Remember, you can't have an adulterous betrayal without a third party. And she knew he was married to you. And has known since their first affair almost a decade ago. She did play a part in betraying and helping destroy your marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> I honestly think I still make "excuses" for H because for 7 years I have been the one to take whatever he was feeling and help him understand it. Now that he is getting the help that he needs, he is starting to be able to understand his own feelings on his own. I guess old habits die hard.
> 
> He is not getting a pass, obviously, because we are getting a divorce. This is the second time he has done this in our relationship. The first time we weren't married and I left him. Three months later we were able to be back together, but he never got counseling then so the problem was still there.
> 
> ...



IMO you know enough to make the decisions you're making. There really isn't anything else to do. Divorce him and move on with your life.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> *You are better than me because I would have called her husband 9 years ago when they had their first affair. All you are doing is helping them carry on their little secret/affair, enabling them. Protecting the affair. *
> 
> 
> 
> ...


9 years ago I wasn't with him. She was married to her current H though. I guess SHE was having an EA that time. My close friends seem to think that I need to be mean and nasty. They say I need to tell her H, my H's family and ruin his life before I hit the road. The truth is that I am not a confrontational person. It is hard for me to muster up the courage to do something like this. 

Is there a certain level where it becomes mandatory to tell the OWH? Do I need to try and gather more evidence that the EA is deeper than it appears to be? Like I said, this OW is NOT the type to destroy her marriage over my H. H and OW have too much to lose to take it to that level. Could it be that they really are good friends that talk a lot on the phone? I think my marriage would still be fine if it weren't for my H's issues. This EA is a sort of side effect from that. I swear this is the most confusing thing I have ever had to go through. I can't wait for it all to be over with.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It sounds like your hoping he'll realize that he has no future with the OW and come back to you at some point. You're still making excuses for him and attempting to justify his behavior due to his mental issues. Unless he is actually insane there is no excuse for cheating. You should be mad at your husband and no one else. Its clear that you're a kind and considerate person since you are still weighing the consequences of telling the OW's husband. Don't do it. Keep your dignity and move on with your life in a positive way. 

Peace


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> It sounds like your hoping he'll realize that he has no future with the OW and come back to you at some point. You're still making excuses for him and attempting to justify his behavior due to his mental issues. Unless he is actually insane there is no excuse for cheating. You should be mad at your husband and no one else. Its clear that you're a kind and considerate person since you are still weighing the consequences of telling the OW's husband. Don't do it. *Keep your dignity and move on with your life in a positive way. *
> 
> Peace



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

WOW!! I am really shocked right now. I was able to finally get a hold of H's cell phone. From the text that I was able to read in about a minute and a half, he is not having an EA at all!! This OW is really just being a good friend right now. I am really confused by the whole matter. Here I thought that he was cheating and having an affair and it turns out that he was telling me the truth the whole time. Should I apologize for all the false accusations I have made? Or should I just let him think that I believe he is having an affair? This day keeps getting weirder and weirder!!


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> She didn't ruin/betray my marriage. My H did that on his own. Telling the OW's H would make me feel horrible! Yes, I hate the way my H has made me feel. The worst part is the fact that he is willing to so easily give up on our marriage. But I couldn't stand being the messenger of this type of message. And maybe it is the right thing for me to do but it would really make me feel awful to have to make that phone call. It would cause so much damage..


Yes she did just that! She knows that he is married and she doesn't give a rat's a$$ about how much she is hurting you and your family. If the truth were known; she probably is getting a big ego boost from taking another woman's H. That is just how it is. Telling the OW's H is something that you owe him, it is his right to know about this; and it shows that you are a better person than the skank who is intruding into your marriage. You are the victim here, not she. If you are not up to telling him, than have someone you trust do it for you. As long as there are no consequences for this A, it will continue and go on to a PA, if it hasn't already. Your H is in an affair fog, and is not capable of making a reasonable choice right now. Jarring him out of it by exposure, is the best move you can make if you want to work on the marriage. If not, then continue as you were. Doing the pragmatic and correct things to save the marriage and keep your H from making a stupid mistake, does not make you a horrible person; quite the opposite.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> WOW!! I am really shocked right now. I was able to finally get a hold of H's cell phone. From the text that I was able to read in about a minute and a half, he is not having an EA at all!! This OW is really just being a good friend right now. I am really confused by the whole matter. Here I thought that he was cheating and having an affair and it turns out that he was telling me the truth the whole time. Should I apologize for all the false accusations I have made? Or should I just let him think that I believe he is having an affair? This day keeps getting weirder and weirder!!


Just a good friend?nnwhat did you expect to find on the phone non stop sex talk? Look you H and the OW are in constant contact. They can't stay apart emotionally. They are making each other a higher priority than their spouses. They are keep secrets from their spouses. That is an EA, 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> WOW!! I am really shocked right now. I was able to finally get a hold of H's cell phone. From the text that I was able to read in about a minute and a half, he is not having an EA at all!! This OW is really just being a good friend right now. I am really confused by the whole matter. Here I thought that he was cheating and having an affair and it turns out that he was telling me the truth the whole time. Should I apologize for all the false accusations I have made? Or should I just let him think that I believe he is having an affair? This day keeps getting weirder and weirder!!


Are you a real person or are you trolling? If you are for real,
I think you might be in denial. A "good friend" would let you into the conversation, and direct your H back to you to discuss his issues. There would be no need for you to pan for information on his cell phone. What you have described is an EA. EAs have a nasty habit of escalating into something very destructive to all involved. Your H's behavior as described is consistent with an A.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> *Just a good friend?nnwhat did you expect to find on the phone non stop sex talk?* Look you H and the OW are in constant contact. They can't stay apart emotionally. They are making each other a higher priority than their spouses. They are keep secrets from their spouses. That is an EA, 100%
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not non stop sex talk but at least something incriminating. All they talk about is work and his relationship with me. She has been trying to help him find his way back to me. When he is out at night, he is really with his friends. When he is texting nonstop, he is texting his friends. 



oaksthorne said:


> Are you a real person or are you trolling? If you are for real,
> I think you might be in denial. A "good friend" would let you into the conversation, and direct your H back to you to discuss his issues. There would be no need for you to pan for information on his cell phone. What you have described is an EA. EAs have a nasty habit of escalating into something very destructive to all involved. Your H's behavior as described is consistent with an A.


No I am not trolling. No I am not in denial. My good friend would let me in to a convo, but she isn't my friend, she is his. His suspicious behavior is what led me to check his cell phone. What I described is an EA but I have always been skeptical about the whole situation. His behavior might be consistent with an A but he isn't having one. My H is going through a lot right now. I am not saying his behavior is a good thing but he is not having an A.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

gee, he also could be deleting the incriminating texts

what kind of phone? some phones you can retrieve the deleted texts


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> gee, he also could be deleting the incriminating texts
> 
> what kind of phone? some phones you can retrieve the deleted texts


It's a HTC Evo Shift. I thought that maybe he was erasing them too, but he can barely use the darn thing. He has to come to me for any issues he has already. I don't l=know if he could manage to erase certain messages. I think he would have just erased them all. The phone account is in my name and he has no access to the account. Unfortunately, my phone company does not offer text messages on line, so I can't view them online.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> Not non stop sex talk but at least something incriminating. All they talk about is work and his relationship with me. She has been trying to help him find his way back to me. When he is out at night, he is really with his friends. When he is texting nonstop, he is texting his friends.
> 
> 
> 
> No I am not trolling. No I am not in denial. My good friend would let me in to a convo, but she isn't my friend, she is his. His suspicious behavior is what led me to check his cell phone. What I described is an EA but I have always been skeptical about the whole situation. His behavior might be consistent with an A but he isn't having one. My H is going through a lot right now. I am not saying his behavior is a good thing but he is not having an A.


A good friend to your H would let you in and be a friend to you also, an EA affair partner would not. Friends are marriage friendly, affair partners are not. "but she isn't my friend", You have gotten this right; she is not your friend and she is not good for your marriage. There are, as you know, two kinds of affairs , the emotional affair and the physical affair ; both are affairs. My H's AP was a MC student, she was "just a friend". She went from advisor to bed partner in the course of their" friendship". She was also married and a work colleague. What I say to you is not criticism, I would never have thought that my H would have an A,I did not know about his "friend" so I had no warning. You do, and if you take it seriously you may be able to prevent indelible harm to your marriage. I wish you the best.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> A good friend to your H would let you in and be a friend to you also, an EA affair partner would not. Friends are marriage friendly, affair partners are not. "but she isn't my friend", You have gotten this right; she is not your friend and she is not good for your marriage. There are, as you know, two kinds of affairs , the emotional affair and the physical affair ; both are affairs. My H's AP was a MC student, she was "just a friend". She went from advisor to bed partner in the course of their" friendship". She was also married and a work colleague. What I say to you is not criticism, I would never have thought that my H would have an A,I did not know about his "friend" so I had no warning. You do, and if you take it seriously you may be able to prevent indelible harm to your marriage. I wish you the best.



H has been friends with this woman for over 10 years. She knew him before I did. My H is dealing with a lot of emotional issues right now. He turned to this woman because he felt like he could trust her opinion. She has been trying to help him figure out his feelings and emotions. There were a few messages where she has told him that D is not the way. She also told him that being married to me has done a lot more good than bad in his life. She is on my side, even if she hasn't personally called me and told me that she communicates with my H. I seriously believe that my H's past that he has been trying to repress is finally surfacing and he can't take it. 

I don't expect anybody to understand because this is a life that I live and I know what my H has been through in his life. I know that people here will say that I am in denial and need to face the reality, but the reality is that I found proof that he is not having an A. My focus now is not to try and prove that there is something going on with this woman cause there isn't, but to try and salvage my marriage. If that is not possible then I will be moving on with my life gracefully.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> H has been friends with this woman for over 10 years. She knew him before I did. My H is dealing with a lot of emotional issues right now. He turned to this woman because he felt like he could trust her opinion. She has been trying to help him figure out his feelings and emotions. There were a few messages where she has told him that D is not the way. She also told him that being married to me has done a lot more good than bad in his life. She is on my side, even if she hasn't personally called me and told me that she communicates with my H. I seriously believe that my H's past that he has been trying to repress is finally surfacing and he can't take it.
> 
> I don't expect anybody to understand because this is a life that I live and I know what my H has been through in his life. I know that people here will say that I am in denial and need to face the reality, but the reality is that I found proof that he is not having an A. My focus now is not to try and prove that there is something going on with this woman cause there isn't, but to try and salvage my marriage. If that is not possible then I will be moving on with my life gracefully.


I wish you success.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Thank You.


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