# Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay Questions



## neganagatime

My wife and I have been in conflict on some level or another for most of our marriage. I've said before that we tolerate one another well enough but we both have issues communicating with one another and have both been what I've come to understand as ambivalent about the relationship. We do have two wonderful kids and they are the main thing that have probably kept us together this long (9 years). 

We're seeing a therapist but my wife does not feel it is helping (possibly because therapist is an impartial ref where the wife wants this to be about my behavior). I have fantasized about leaving my wife for years, but never had the guts to move forward with it. At the same time, I am also drawn towards of growing old with someone and having the family intact. In a perfect world it'd be my wife but the reality is that we don't communicate except to argue.

Anyway, I just finished the book by Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and have some questions on what I read. For at least a couple her questions, possibly as many as 5-6, I came to the result of the relationship being too bad to stay. On the flip side, for a couple of others, I also come the result of being too good to leave. I'm not sure what to make of these diagnostic results ... it seems the author intends that if you answer too bad to leave for even 1 question you should then leave. It does not seem clear to me what happens if you say too good to stay for even 1 question though. 

Anyone have thoughts on this? Also, just curious in general as to what people think of this book as a guide in making this most difficult of decisions. 

Thoughts please?


----------



## Going Mental

Having read the book myself a couple of times....yes its taken me a looonnng time to make a decision....initially I found this a problem also. 

BUT you are meant to treat it like a medical diagnosis. It is a process of elimination. Just like a MD, if you had a chest pain, they would rule out things that could kill you, eg a heart attack (never any good) or angina (abuse) and move onto other things such as common problems, heartburn, genetic problems etc.

In other words, if question 1 means its too good to leave, then go onto question 2. If that one is ok, then onto question 3 and so on. As a rule of thumb, I think the earlier you reach an answer of too bad to stay, the more likely it is that you will be better off gone. 

The book was also good as it reflected back to me the things I was/am doing that cause problems in the marriage. 

Having said all that, I think it is time for me to go back and read it again as I am getting stuck again. Might find something new!!

I have read some negative reports when googling to find a book (any book about making that decision would have done at the time!), but have found it useful to highlight both the good and bad which has been useful for marriage counselling also.

Hope that helps....if you want my thoughts on the individual questions, PM me if you don't want to discuss in detail on this thread.


----------



## Thor

I think the book is intended to help you think clearly about a variety of aspects of your relationship, and to help you listen to your gut. I don't think it is a scoring system, where you add up the Stay vs Leave.

My first reading of it had me convinced I should leave. My second reading a year later had me leaning more towards staying. So a person's state of mind at the time of reading it is a big factor. I suggest reading it multiple times separated by at least a month or more.

The big value of it for me was that it decluttered the issues. Rather than feeling saturated by all the stuff going on, the book breaks things down into little bite sized chunks to look at individually. All of the pieces go back together though at the end.

There are some exceptional items in the book, such as abuse. She opens with abuse and says clearly that abuse is a disqualifier all by itself. But the other topics are more general and I think you need to look at each one against your own personal yardstick. What is by itself enough to leave for one person may not be all that important for another.

And she doesn't really say that if you answer a certain way on a question that you should leave. What she says is that in general people who answer a certain way are usually happier by leaving, and those who answer the other way are usually happier by staying. If you have 5 or 6 questions which are undoubtedly in the Leave category, that is an indication of some big problems in your marriage. But are those issues important to you, and how do they balance against the other issues?

What you wrote tells me that the issues are big enough in your marriage that you aren't going to be happy with the status quo, and I think that is a big hint that if things aren't fixed then you will be divorcing some time in the future. I would encourage you to think about what kind of relationship you want and what your needs and desires are. Is this compatible with your wife, and is she willing to work on those goals? Are you compatible with your wife's needs and desires?

Too Good To Leave has one flaw in that it looks backwards in time. The past is an excellent predictor of the future, but it isn't ironclad. Can you and your wife work together to overcome those negative answers from Too Good To Leave? Read the book again in a few weeks.


----------

