# Is it right for a BS to feel this way?



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

So, as a lot of you know, we have been in R for a little over half a year now. We went to counseling for awhile, but eventually we realized there really wasn't anything more that could be addressed in marital counseling without him going to individual therapy first. Don't mean to blameshift, but all our existing problems start with him not following through with what he says, acting selfishly, being lazy, making excuses, etc. It's like he's a child who doesn't want to take responsibility for himself and for his family. Which hurts, because pretty much every thing I do every single day is for someone else. I do everything for my son, and for him, and at the end of the day I have no one looking out for ME.

Anyway, since the EA and everything that transpired, I have had far less patience with his "mess ups" (well, I call them poor choices). I feel like he should be on his very best behavior- not just regarding boundaries with other women, but in all aspects of our marriage. I feel like if he can't shape up with this stuff NOW, what motivation will he have to ever change? 

Is it wrong to feel this way? I feel like someone outside looking in would say that I get pissed off about every little thing, but to me it feels like there is just such a HUGE pile of little things that add up, it's just adding one more flame to the fire. Am I being unfair?

Here's an example. In the mornings when he goes to shower, he used to sit down in the shower because he was still tired and waste so much time in the shower that then he would be late to work. I told him it really wasn't fair that he was taking half an hour to soak in the shower while I took 20 minutes to hurry up and get ready so I could watch our son and start getting his breakfast ready, etc. Why is it fair that I have to hurry up and then he gets to take a relaxing shower, then be late to work...it's just irresponsible. So I put a clock in our bathroom where he could see it from the shower and said, look, I understand you're tired, but I don't get to sit and take my time, so can you please stop doing that and get to work on time, or, if you insist on doing that, you need to wake up earlier to accommodate for your 35 minute shower. He told me he would stop and be mindful of the time. (This is why I feel like the mother in this relationship, why am I having to ask a grown man to watch the time and not be late to work...)

ANYWAY, our toddler had a horrible night last night. He kept waking up, and one of us would have to go in there to get him back down. The night before, I was in there from 3-6 on the floor because it was the way everyone else would get the most sleep. Last night, I asked him to do it (well more like instructed because he wasn't volunteering to take his turn). So he was in there a few hours last night trying to sleep on the floor. So, this morning, since my son was up so much, he slept late. I knew both of us wouldn't have time to shower, so as soon as he got up and my husband brought him to me, I asked him to please go ahead and get in the shower right then so he could get ready with enough time for me to at least be able to wash my face and brush my teeth. That's all I asked. So 35 minutes later, he exits the shower. I ask him what took so long, he says "sorry, I sat down for awhile because I was tired." "Well, I didn't mean to sit down for so long." "Well, I was really tired." "Well, it's not an excuse but I took my medication late last night and it makes me groggy, remember?" This kind of thing I have NO patience for anymore. I got so pissed. Is it fair that I felt that way? I feel like under normal circumstances, I wouldn't get so angry. Or if these were one time instances, I would brush them off and move on. I just feel like at a time where he is supposed to be incredibly selfless, he's still so selfish and immature. And if he's not going to do it now, he's not going to ever do it. Right or wrong?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I haven't stalked your other posts, but from this one, it doesn't sound to me like he's very remorseful.

At the same time, if you can't move past the point of being so short with him all the time, then you guys can never truly R. 

Right now, all your doing is staying married. Not R'ing.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I haven't stalked your other posts, but from this one, it doesn't sound to me like he's very remorseful.
> 
> At the same time, if you can't move past the point of being so short with him all the time, then you guys can never truly R.
> 
> Right now, all your doing is staying married. Not R'ing.


I guess I just don't know how I am supposed to R when he's still acting like this on a pretty consistent basis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So is he in individual therapy? And the kind of things you're talking about are the kind of things that could be discussed in marriage counseling. The whole parent/child spousal relationship would be a good topic. 

And yes, I think he should be on his best behavior. This is as good as it gets. Is that good enough for you? Or do you need more from him? Does he understand how you feel about that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

If you feel like the mother in this relationship, he surely feels like he's being treated like a child.

Let him be late for work. 

While I personally think sitting down in the shower for 30 minutes is a little odd, he's a grown man and can do this if he wishes. However, part of being a grown man is dealing with the consequences of our decisions. 

Your efforts to prevent this is controlling.

That being said...

A reconciliation should be two people taking responsibility and working on themselves. 

He doesn't sound as into it as you. If he was the one involved in the EA he should be working twice as hard.

In other words, look at the bigger picture. It's not the little things that are bothering you. It's his overall lack of effort which indicates that he doesn't understand the severity of the hurt and betrayal of his affair.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Pbear, he is in individual therapy but we are looking for someone new. I did talk about it in marital counseling. There wasn't anything more to say because he would say all the right things in the counseling session, and then follow through with nothing. So it got to be pointless because I was saying the same thing every time. And he would agree with me, tell me he would change it, etc. Then he would for a week or two, then it was business as usual. 

He understands exactly how I feel, I have been so open with him about what I need from him, how lonely I feel, etc. He acts like he cares in the moment. Then he goes back to doing what he wants to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> If you feel like the mother in this relationship, he surely feels like he's being treated like a child.
> 
> Let him be late for work.
> 
> ...


To be fair, if he were to get canned at work, it would affect our entire household, not just him. He needs this job to support our son, that's the only reason I care.

Everything you're saying makes sense. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why is he that tired? Might be a health issue. Get him checked out with a well man session with the doctor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Why is he that tired? Might be a health issue. Get him checked out with a well man session with the doctor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good idea, though I think his diagnosis will just be "lazy."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And what happened when you brought that up in counseling? That he reverts back after a week or two?

My take... He's not serious about wanting to fix things. And because there's no consequences to him not changing, he reverts back to what he feels like doing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I guess I just don't know how I am supposed to R when he's still acting like this on a pretty consistent basis.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If this is his consistent behaviour, there's no way you're ever going to R.

MC isn't going to do you guys a bit of good right now, because your husband doesn't GET it. He's probably not experienced any consequences for cheating, has he?

You've got a decision to make. Do you want to live the rest of your life with this man, who it sounds like you don't even LIKE, let alone love, or are you willing to D now?

You do NOT need HIM to support your son. You are perfectly capable of doing so yourself. You just have to decide to DO it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Is he getting IC? Sounds like he is severely depressed. Not sure if that contributed to him stepping out of the marriage or if the depression came afterward. I don't know anyone with young children that actually sleeps well at night. But sitting down in the shower for a half hour isn't due to being tired it's due to depression. He needs help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> And what happened when you brought that up in counseling? That he reverts back after a week or two?
> 
> My take... He's not serious about wanting to fix things. And because there's no consequences to him not changing, he reverts back to what he feels like doing.
> 
> ...


Nothing really happens in counseling. Counselor pretty much wants us to talk everything out, even in the face of someone who habitually says the right things and doesn't follow through. We are looking for someone new. This guy does his IC, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was apprehensive, last year when you posted, about his ability to successfully R because I felt he had entitlement issues. All about him. And it still seems that way.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I was apprehensive, last year when you posted, about his ability to successfully R because I felt he had entitlement issues. All about him. And it still seems that way.


She could change the viewpoint if she cheated on him. Then they would be able to speak.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I was apprehensive, last year when you posted, about his ability to successfully R because I felt he had entitlement issues. All about him. And it still seems that way.


Yep. I just told him that the other night. All about him, and the things that happen to him are so much worse than when they happen to anyone else. He is always some sort of special case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Nothing really happens in counseling. Counselor pretty much wants us to talk everything out, even in the face of someone who habitually says the right things and doesn't follow through. We are looking for someone new. This guy does his IC, too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being cheated on will end any entitlement issues.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

So the only consequence I have is to separate or divorce? I know I can take care of my son, I guess I don't think it's fair because I feel it would be alleviating him of the responsibilities I'm begging for him to take on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> It doesn't sound like he actually understands. Either that, or he is uncaring and selfish. Or thick.
> 
> He sits in the shower because he is tired? Is he infirm in some way? Is he in decent shape?
> 
> What's his problem?


He is 6'3" 175-180 lbs. So he's fit and physically well. He's always done this. I have always assumed it was because he was lazy and doesn't like to get up in the morning.
And I should have said, there's no reason he shouldn't understand, because I have been very clear with him on several occasions. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Being cheated on will end any entitlement issues.


so you're saying the only way to save the marriage is to cheat on him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Kicking his sorry ass to the curb might work. Yeah, yeah, legally you can't. whatever, but adopting the attitude that comes with kicking someone out always helps when they've cheated, even if they don't end up leaving. And it sends a clear message to the cheater too.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

From my experience infidelity seems to taint things. The view is different from where we now view the rose garden. It's our new reality. You're perfectly normal. 

~sammy


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> so you're saying the only way to save the marriage is to cheat on him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It'll get his attention.

So will leaving and not talking to him for a few months.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> So the only consequence I have is to separate or divorce? I know I can take care of my son, I guess I don't think it's fair because I feel it would be alleviating him of the responsibilities I'm begging for him to take on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You might try this one:

I accept her how she is, so if she feels she’s entitled to be treated this way or that, I’m fine with that (it’s her opinion). I just clarify for her that I am not her and have my own thoughts. Anywhere they don’t align, I make a specific choice whether or not I want to give or provide that for her. It shall never be considered ‘expected’, instead it should be received and appreciated as the gift it is (no strings attached which I need to watch). 

We acknowledge each and every ‘gift’. _“I appreciate that you get up early and get the kids ready while I relax in the shower and wake up.”_ Every single time making sure I follow up with that she should be doing this too whenever she sees things that she really does appreciate me doing. 

What happens is it starts to focus the marriage on ‘gifts given’ instead of ‘what is not’. Positive versus negative. By recognizing the positive efforts of your spouse they have zero obligation to do, it helps balance out what you feel they aren’t doing. And we noticed it almost starts to become a competition, so both of you start doing stuff just for that pat on the back. It helps shed that entitlement. So, I got up earlier to help her more just because it was noted and appreciated rather than a snippy "Finally!" (making it more of tear down on my character than building some deeper feeling I'm appreciated)".


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm with PhillyGuy; depression should be considered here. There are some counselors who are disinclined to diagnose depression or other disorders because they don't like to "label" people. But to regularly take a half hour or longer shower (a bath you might be in for that long, but a shower??) because you sit down in there to rest, and to be late to work as a result - this behavior has both social and occupational impact. NOT normal. 

A doctor should be consulted. He sounds like someone's taken the batteries out of him. If he doesn't have the energy to take a shower, he won't have energy to devote to helping you heal or repairing your marriage. People who are ill, physically or mentally, are self-centered - that's biology. All animals behave this way. What little energy there is has to be reserved for self-preservation, and sick creatures often don't even do a very good job of that. So they certainly don't have any energy left over for others.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Your emotions are not right or wrong, they are your emotions. They are what they are. It is right to feel however you feel. 

If you don't feel your husband is showing remorse and doing all the things you require, then whether he is or not doesn't really matter. You're not feeling it. That's what matters.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> So, as a lot of you know, we have been in R for a little over half a year now. We went to counseling for awhile, but eventually we realized there really wasn't anything more that could be addressed in marital counseling without him going to individual therapy first. Don't mean to blameshift, but all our existing problems start with him not following through with what he says, acting selfishly, being lazy, making excuses, etc. It's like he's a child who doesn't want to take responsibility for himself and for his family. Which hurts, because pretty much every thing I do every single day is for someone else. I do everything for my son, and for him, and at the end of the day I have no one looking out for ME.
> 
> Anyway, since the EA and everything that transpired, I have had far less patience with his "mess ups" (well, I call them poor choices). I feel like he should be on his very best behavior- not just regarding boundaries with other women, but in all aspects of our marriage. I feel like if he can't shape up with this stuff NOW, what motivation will he have to ever change?
> 
> ...


I find my senses are very sensitive, to any hostility, anger, disrespect, anything even perceived as such. I wonder if she feels like she's walking on eggshells, to try to be so nice for fear that I might get triggered and angered by something she does or says.... I think it IS normal to be this way, and to need her to go to extreme measures to convince me that she's changing or at least making an effort to change. I'm with you on this... because my head is in the same exact place, I'm just getting more cooperation than you are, so I don't have to deal with it on that level, sorry you do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

treyvion said:


> It'll get his attention.
> 
> So will leaving and not talking to him for a few months.


I hope you were joking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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