# Lost In Space



## Jupiter (Dec 31, 2014)

Hi all, I will try and be brief... first I will give background and then my dilemma.

*Background:*
So, my wife one night got very upset and said that she was getting a divorce and that tomorrow morning she would be going to the courthouse to get the paperwork to which I agreed.

The next day at work I got a text asking for my information so she could fill out the paperwork and asking if I really wanted a divorce. I responded with "yes I do and I will get the information to you later". Well apparently she was bluffing and now is being all sweet, caring, loving, etc... saying that she does not want the marriage to end. She suggested that we go see a marriage counselor and after doing some research I agreed. 

This is not the first time she has wanted a divorce. In the last 2 years I can count 4 times she has left and wanted a divorce. She even at one point had her parents drive over 65 miles to come and take all her things and moved back in with them, came back to live with me 3 days later, and left to go live with her parents again after 2 days.

*Dilemma:*
Here is my dilemma. I want to get the divorce but I want to be cautious on how I do it. Right now I am being distant because I do not want to get sucked back into a bad relationship and I want to wait until we are speaking with the marriage counselor before I tell her that I am filling the papers. My entire reasoning for this is because 6 months ago when she wanted a divorce she was talking about suicide. It scarred the be-jesus outa me. I didn't know if she was serious or not but I did what it took to get her back and make sure that did not occur.

I want the divorce as I am over the top stressed with this mess but I am just looking to bounce some thoughts of you guys. 
Do I wait until we see the marriage counselor?
Do I tell her before we see the counselor that I was serious and that I am filling the paper work, so I am not stringing her along and giving her a false sense of hope?

I am just lost on the proper way to handle this....

Thanks for reading, and letting me voice my thoughts,

Jupiter


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen a lawyer about this yet?

Is this the first time you will be seeing the MC?

When is the MC session.. how long off?

What are your plans for where you will living once you file for divorce. She sounds very volatile. So filing and then still living with her might not work out so well.

Why not see a lawyer and get it started, then just tell her. If she threatens suicide again call 911 and have them come get her and put her on suicide watch. That way if she is really suicidal, someone besides you will take care of her. And if she is not suicidal, that will be the last time she makes that threat.

I think you need to get away from her. Move out as soon as you can so that you are not subjected to these kinds of games.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jupiter said:


> Hi all, I will try and be brief... first I will give background and then my dilemma.
> 
> *Background:*
> So, my wife one night got very upset and said that she was getting a divorce and that tomorrow morning she would be going to the courthouse to get the paperwork to which I agreed.
> ...


Was it always like this with your wife? Why did you wife get to this stage in the marriage, (looking to divorce, suicide, etc) did anything else happen?
What is your role (if any) in your wife's behaviour? You are very silent on what precipitated all of this. Wives don't suddenly up (on the most part) and request for a divorce. You don't seem too bothered by that prospect either?
Is this a cry for your attention (the threat of suicide), sometimes women do stupid things to get their husband's attention, usually husbands are deaf and dumb, go figure. If you got her to the stage of calling your bluff about a divorce, then perhaps you are the one playing the games here? From the information you provided, there is a huge part of the puzzle missing? Sounds like some gaslighting was going on here? Don't make any sense at all.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Do you want a divorce because she wants a divorce? You haven't mentioned the reason you want to leave. Is she depressed or is something going on in the marriage that is the reason she brings up divorce. Do you have children? I would wait until marriage counseling and then if you still think things aren't going to change then get a divorce.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I would bring up the entire history in MC.

She has issues that require therapy.

If you have children, everything is different.

What do her parents say about her behavior?


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree. Big piece of puzzle missing and more info is needed for us to best advise


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would go ahead and do it. If only to test her reaction.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She sounds like a drama queen.

You're just going to have to risk that she may be a danger to herself, even though she's proven she's all about words and no action.

As harsh as it may sound, once the decision is made to split, especially given that it was her idea in the first place, you are not responsible for this woman's mental health.


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## ThatOneLady (Mar 31, 2015)

Hey there everyone!

This is his wife. To answer your questions quickly, the things he is leaving out are that in our 5 year relationship he has developed this habit of lying.

Early in our relationship he attempted to cheat and was caught red-handed. He was caught and forgiven.

After that things were fine for a while, but slowly our financial stability took a turn for the worse. Yes, this was mostly my fault and I acknowledge this and have spent the last 3 years attempting to change this.

Last year I suffered a back injury that has left me in severe pain constantly, even after surgery. During my recovery, which was supposed to be several weeks down-time, he refused to take any time off. I understand that we needed the money so i didn't complain, rather I remained home by myself with my child who was at the time just 6 (no she is not his biological daughter).

What he is neglecting to mention about my "leaving" is that I moved back to our hometown which was 76 miles away to attempt to find a job and finish schooling. I came back when I was unsuccessful. Shortly after that I landed a job that I have had ever since. My job is stressful, the hours are insane, and it's mentally exhausting. I work my butt off at my job and have received 2 promotions in less than a year.

When I spoke with my counselor, yes I have already been proactive in trying to get help, she explained to me what I'm going through. It's called EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT. He has yet to ever offer more than a couple of frail words of consolation to me in times of hardship. I mean this literally, I received no hugs without having to ask for them, no kisses without asking for them, no touch AT ALL WITHOUT ASKING.

Throughout our relationship he has spent more time on his video games than spending time with his wife. I NEVER complained. He has ignored me for days without a single word, call, or text. He refuses to talk about any issues he is having, any feelings he has, and has refused seeing a marriage counselor in the past. He has not said I love you to me, without me saying it first, in over 2 years.

I suffer from depression and have already been placed on anti-depressants. I grew up in a home of constant fighting, scarce affection, and constant condemnation. Yes, I suffered mentally for it and now I'm receiving counseling for it.

Yes, I have serious issues and I am already trying to fix these. I love him, unconditionally and truly want our marriage to work. I have admitted that I'm mostly at fault, have begun treatment for my problems, and am straining to remain positive and sweet. I do not want to lose my husband. 

Now that you have a slight understanding of what he has hidden, you can make a fair judgement.


A note to you C. C.

Rather than ask a forum, why couldn't you just speak to me? That's all I've asked from you since our first argument....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ThatOneLady said:


> Hey there everyone!
> 
> This is his wife. To answer your questions quickly, the things he is leaving out are that in our 5 year relationship he has developed this habit of lying.
> 
> ...



Wow, I dont know what the protocol is for this kind of thing, both parties on the same forum, maybe the old timers can say if there are any. I understand where you are coming from hence my previous post on the missing part of the puzzle. I would suggest that emotional abandonment is a biggie but one that men rarely can identify with at all, you are taken care of physically, have a roof over your head, etc what more could you ask for. Normally wives threaten divorce in a last ditch effort to get a response from the husband. You both need counselling. His earlier attempt to cheat doesn't give him a leg to stand on but your financial infidelity is something that could have caused his emotional withdrawal. It looks like you have been making an effort to change you and deal with your issues. Lost in Space, what have you been doing to deal with your issues?

Here is a useful link on emotional abandonment 
Emotional Abandonment When Your Spouse Shuts You Out


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This is also a useful article as it identifies why husbands don't see this as an issue.


Why Women Leave Men

quote 
Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel that their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic if married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.


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## ThatOneLady (Mar 31, 2015)

aine said:


> Wow, I dont know what the protocol is for this kind of thing, both parties on the same forum, maybe the old timers can say if there are any. I understand where you are coming from hence my previous post on the missing part of the puzzle. I would suggest that emotional abandonment is a biggie but one that men rarely can identify with at all, you are taken care of physically, have a roof over your head, etc what more could you ask for. Normally wives threaten divorce in a last ditch effort to get a response from the husband. You both need counselling. His earlier attempt to cheat doesn't give him a leg to stand on but your financial infidelity is something that could have caused his emotional withdrawal. It looks like you have been making an effort to change you and deal with your issues. Lost in Space, what have you been doing to deal with your issues?
> 
> Here is a useful link on emotional abandonment
> Emotional Abandonment When Your Spouse Shuts You Out



Hey there Aine,

Thank you for being open minded and being the first to see that there may have been another side to the story he was telling.

Your efforts are very much appreciated, but we're unable to use them. Since my post, I have spoken with him and after a lengthy conversation I have decided to give him the divorce he desperately wants. As psychotic as his original post makes me sound, our agreement was met in a calm and polite manner.

You are absolutely correct, some women do use that card as a scare tactic. I'm definitely among them. It was a last resort, to elicit some form of emotional reaction from him, considering I had no idea how he was feeling or whether he still loved me. (We've been living apart for the last two weeks due to a change in work schedule and locations and have barely spoken.)

I definitely understand that my posting this is going to provoke a lot of the forum users to bash on me, but I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to actually make an honest effort to delve deeper into the situation. It definitely goes to show that a lot of the users here have quite a bit of pent up negativity and are fairly quick to judge based on a faceless forum user's face-value of words.

**To those of you who were quick to jump the gun:**

Before you pass judgement on someone, please consider that this is a forum and as such, people can lie effortlessly orwithout hesitation to make their side of a story seem innocent...his original description of my actions was about 75% a lie.

- *"In the last 2 years I can count 4 times she has left and wanted a divorce."* - I have not asked for a divorce before this, to what he is referring is me asking for a temporary separation. 

- *"She even at one point had her parents drive over 65 miles to come and take all her things and moved back in with them, came back to live with me 3 days later, and left to go live with her parents again after 2 days."* - This actually never happened. This is his reference to me going back to our hometown to find a job, which the total time amounted to a month. At this time we were under a large pile of financial pressure and I needed to find a job to help pay for those bills. I also had intended to continue school, which I was unable to do due to a few private issues.

- *"My entire reasoning for this is because 6 months ago when she wanted a divorce she was talking about suicide. It scarred the be-jesus outa me. I didn't know if she was serious or not but I did what it took to get her back and make sure that did not occur."* - Yes, I was suicidal at one time. However, my reasons behind it had nothing to do with him. Again, he left out the major issue that I was facing at the time. I have serious medical problems which include lumbar spinal stenosis, stickler syndrome, I'm mostly blind, heart disease, and depression. His claim that he did what it took to get me back is presumptuous, what got me back on my feet was my daughter. Knowing that she still needed me, even if I was a giant wreck of health problems. He did nothing but take a measly 2 hours of his time to sit in a room with me to make sure I didn't act on those feelings. After those 2 hours, it was back to the computer he went.

Well, that's how I have perceived things at least.

Since this is his forum post, I'll leave it at that.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Thanks for filling the puzzle piece. I understand a bit more now what's going on. All I will say is that coming across a post like this with both parties involved, it's a big red flag that things have gone way to far. Communicating on a forum like this on a post like this is not good. I hope whatever you decide to do is for the best of both. Neither of you are happy. Everyone deserves to be happy in life.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I always say there are two sides to a story sometimes even more, in that we sometimes subject our selves to false memories...perhaps in giving him what he thinks he wants he may discover that is not the real answer he is seeking...in the end I wish you both happiness, regardless of how you feel for each other, everyone should be happy.


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