# he drinks EVERY SINGLE DAY...



## lovexlife

Hello,
I have never posted here before, I was Google-ing advice for this when I came across this site. I just had to sign up... I have been dating my boyfriend for just about 2 years now, and he is the only person in the world who has ever made me feel the way that I do. He is caring, respectful, loving, and the best thing to ever happen to me. He comes from an amazing religious family, and he has clearly been taught right from wrong. Me, on the other hand, I come from a family who has been supportive and loving, but there have also been problems with drug addictions along the way. My family members who had these problems have made me resent people who do drugs, and have addictions. I feel bad saying that, because I have never had an addiction, and I really don't understand it. All I remember is it separating my family, and causing stress. 

With that being said, my boyfriend, I feel he is addicted to alcohol. He drinks every single day, except maybe a Sunday here and there. Its not bad. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. But we go away to different places usually every other weekend, since we don't live together, we like our alone time. As soon as we get to our room, he immediately opens a beer, or wine, or liquor, or whatever he has brought for the weekend, and then feels offended when I say I'm not ready to have a drink yet. He has never been violent after drinking, but on a few occasions, he has said some hurtful things and not remembered them the next day, even though I had been bawling my eyes out for 5 hours. I understand that he is drunk and saying these things, so I never argue with him because he is not going to remember it anyways; Also, he went away for 3 days with his co-workers, and boss, all of who do drugs, drink heavily, and frequent strip clubs. I was not okay with this trip, but didn't want to be the nagging girlfriend, so I pretended to be ok with it. Sure enough, by that night, my boyfriend was calling me, and screaming and being obnoxious, and silly... clearly he was plastered. and i couldn't talk any sense into him because he didn't know what he was saying... nor did he remember it the next day. 
Every day when i bring him food at work (he works till about 11 pm every night) there are always empty beer bottles in the trash. His boss who is going through a divorce has also started this uncontrollable drinking. I no longer know what to say or do, because it always causes a fight. I don't wanna fight with him, because he is the love of my life, but I'm afraid he will let me down like the members of my family who have done so. PLEASE HELP ME.:scratchhead:


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## Mom6547

His offense... denial. Some people stay in denial for a very, very long time. Some forever. You have a choice

- remain with him, perhaps seek help from Al Anon. Speak PLAINLY to him about his drinking being a problem in the hopes of getting through the denial, perhaps. 
- leave him.

Pretending everything is aOk is not good for him or you.


This book 

Amazon.com: The Cure for Alcoholism: Drink Your Way Sober Without Willpower, Abstinence or Discomfort (9781933771557): Roy Eskapa PhD, David Sinclair PhD: Books

Helped me ENORMOUSLY. I am an alcoholic who went to the doc today and wash happily proclaimed "in remission". 

I take no personal offense at your strong implication of addiction being a moral failing. If you think it is, then I agree that you do not understand it. Understanding is a good thing to have, so it might be interesting to you to read the aforementioned book as well as other readings on alcoholism. Many, many good people find themselves in this grip who, if they had never put a drink to their lips, would be considered highly moral people. Why they turned up alcoholics where others have not? It took the aforementioned author a whole book to explain it, so I am not going to write it here. 

Just wanted to add that little side not for your consideration. I wish you the best. This is a very, very difficult challenge that you face.


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## Mom6547

Freak On a Leash said:


> As for morality, I don't think it has a thing to do with alcoholism. Apples and oranges. My husband is still a good, moral person at heart. I see that but he's sick. Problem is, he doesn't want to get well.


It is true that he does not want to get well, I would bet. But part of that is the total lack of understanding of what alcoholism IS. If you had cancer, and if you kept the cancer you would not be in pain. But if you attempted to remove the cancer, you would be in great pain. Would you keep the cancer? Hell no. Even if the cancer caused problems in your life, my guess is you would still keep the cancer. If the cancer seemed to temporarily solve the very problems that the cancer created, it would also appear to be worth keeping.

The book goes into why the conventional treatments don't work for so many people, why the stats of recovery are so awful. It is worth a read.



> IMO it's about YOU, the one who lives with the alcoholic, not your boyfriend. He's not the one here writing the post looking for help. You can choose to go down on his ship or grab a life jacket and save yourself. I'd do the latter.


I agree with this poster. There is NO reason to suspect that your boyfriend will see the light any time soon. It will continue to cause you pain. So long as he is in denial, it will only get WORSE. Not better. No way.




> Not being married or having kids with him makes it a no brainer. You've invested two years in your life with him, cut your losses and move on because you don't matter, only the bottle does.


I agree.


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## Chris Taylor

I agree with virtually everything vthomeschoolmom said. As an alcoholic I know that I was the only one who could change me.

Having said that, I also realize that my opinion of people who drink is different that others because of what I know can happen. As is your situation, you view his drinking and what could happen through the lens of your life and experiences.

Bottom line is that whether any of us think of his drinking, it's how YOU perceive it and where it is taking you. it probably won't get better and you have to face the reality that you may not want to go down the tubes with him.


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## reachingshore

When he is drunk and obnoxious, use a voice recorder. When he is sober play it back to him. See what his reaction to that will be.


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## Mom6547

reachingshore said:


> When he is drunk and obnoxious, use a voice recorder. When he is sober play it back to him. See what his reaction to that will be.


I really would not recommend that. If he is in denial, that may make him very, very angry. OP I don't remember if you said if he is ever violent or angry when drunk? If so, don't do the above. I wonder what Al Anon has for info? I am not a huge AA fan, but there is not much else out there for the loved ones of alcoholics.


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## Maria9938

My situation is very similar to yours. 
We dated off and on for 9 years, got engaged for 4 months, and then got married, but it never occurred to me that he had a problem because we dated long distance. It was there, but I ignored it.

Over the 5 years we got married, he has always been a heavy drinker, but the more I showed him how much I did not like his drinking (and getting high) the less loving he became. At times, he has yelled at me and made me cry. And one time he picked me up and I fell and busted my lip. And while I was on the floor he choked me. Before this, he had never ever been physically violent. It has not happened since, but I'm telling you this because you don't know what he will do. The one time he hurts you could be the worst time. It's not worth the risk.

Since you are not married and you don't have children, I'd move on. It won't go away after you get married, so why suffer when you don't have to?


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## reachingshore

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I really would not recommend that. If he is in denial, that may make him very, very angry. OP I don't remember if you said if he is ever violent or angry when drunk? If so, don't do the above. I wonder what Al Anon has for info? I am not a huge AA fan, but there is not much else out there for the loved ones of alcoholics.


Ultimately it is up to OP to decide on the course of action. She writes "He is caring, respectful, loving, and the best thing to ever happen to me.", so I assume there is no physical violence involved.

There are people who use this "selective amnesia" as an excuse (they claim they don't remember "so it didn't happen"). On the other hand, there are people who genuinely don't recall anything. Playing back to him his own words might be shocking to him, triggering a realization for a need to stop/limit drinking.


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## Mom6547

reachingshore said:


> Ultimately it is up to OP to decide on the course of action. She writes "He is caring, respectful, loving, and the best thing to ever happen to me.", so I assume there is no physical violence involved.


I guess I am reading between the lines a bit and speculating to a little denial on her part. But of course it is up to the OP to decide on the course of action.



> There are people who use this "selective amnesia" as an excuse (they claim they don't remember "so it didn't happen").


It is not selective. When a serious drinker says they can't remember, they probably can't remember. That is neither here nor there since a person in the throws of denial is not going to be convinced by a recording. 



> On the other hand, there are people who genuinely don't recall anything.


Ha! 


> Playing back to him his own words might be shocking to him, triggering a realization for a need to stop/limit drinking.


Doubt it.


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## reachingshore

vthomeschoolmom said:


> It is not selective. When a serious drinker says they can't remember, they probably can't remember.


The reason I take that into consideration is because I knew a guy who claimed the next day he didn't recall anything, in front of and to his GF (my husband and I were present). When she wasn't around and the subject was still in discussion, his body language and facial expressions completely changed. He _knew _and he was BSing. All of us found out much later, that he had been diagnosed alcoholic years before.

In this case recording him and playing it back to him wouldn't be effective at all.

Of course, this could be a very rare occurrence.


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## Syrum

it sounds like there is a lot of emotional abuse, and if he doesn't remember it the next day, he does have a huge drinking problem.

So in short yes he has a drinking problem and he's emotionally abusive. I wouldn't be staying.


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## Sadie

I'm sorry to here about your boyfriend. But I have been married to an alcoholic for 22 years and all it has done to my family is so much mental scarring. My children as well as myself are in so much pain from what my husband has done. He has blackouts and he's lossing his mind. I tell you this now for your well being, all though he loves you and all this other fun so called stuff you do with him your just asking for trouble. If you stay with him he will bring you down with him and thats sad and something you shouldn't have to go through. No one should have to go through what an alcoholic puts you through. It's unfair for you to deal with the bs he will keep putting you through. I say get away as fast as you can. I'm just giving you the best advice you need for your best interest. I do hope things get better for you, and I hope you understand what I'm trying to explane. An alcoholic is a very stubborn person, just keep that in mind.


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