# Question about paying for dates



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

Been on 3 dates with this woman and just wondering at what point does she offer to pay? Dating can become costly and I had to make up an excuse not to see her this weekend because my funds are tight

Thanks


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sportsmed said:


> Been on 3 dates with this woman and just wondering at what point does she offer to pay? Dating can become costly and I had to make up an excuse not to see her this weekend because my funds are tight
> 
> Thanks


How about just being honest with her?


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

jld said:


> How about just being honest with her?


I figured it would be a turnoff to mention funds are tight


----------



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

I remember those days. She won't offer to pay until your honest with her. I would just say money is tight for you right now. We can make dinner at my place and hangout. She'll either offer to pay for next date or she'll come over. If she doesn't do either one of those she's not worth your time.

Good luck

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sportsmed said:


> I figured it would be a turnoff to mention funds are tight


So what if it is? Honesty is a sorter.


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

Juice said:


> I remember those days. She won't offer to pay until your honest with her. I would just say money is tight for you right now. We can make dinner at my place and hangout. She'll either offer to pay for next date or she'll come over. If she doesn't do either one of those she's not worth your time.
> 
> Good luck
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk



Makes sense. Thanks


----------



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

This reminds me when I met my wife. I had a terrible job at the time and she worked 3 jobs. We just started dating and she said let's go on a trip. I told her I have no money. She said I'll pay for it. Sweet!

Of course I chipped in a little but she covered majority of the expenses. 2 days of bunny humping fun!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

Juice said:


> This reminds me when I met my wife. I had a terrible job at the time and she worked 3 jobs. We just started dating and she said let's go on a trip. I told her I have no money. She said I'll pay for it. Sweet!
> 
> Of course I chipped in a little but she covered majority of the expenses. 2 days of bunny humping fun!
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk



And she has passed the test of contacting me first sometimes in between dates so it's not like she is just looking for a free outing. So I will see what happens when I mention it


----------



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

sportsmed said:


> And she has passed the test of contacting me first sometimes in between dates so it's not like she is just looking for a free outing. So I will see what happens when I mention it


That's cool. I'm sure it will work out for ya. Keep us posted. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

sportsmed said:


> I figured it would be a turnoff to mention funds are tight




If it's a turn-off; you know she's not the woman for you.

So beautiful in it's simplicity.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You might try inviting her for fun, but inexpensive dates. A picnic in the park, a walk along the beach etc.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I agree with inviting her over to make her dinner- that is definitively NOT a turn off for many women.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Concentrate on your career until you can afford to date.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Concentrate on your career until you can afford to date.


This. It goes for women too- many relationship experts recommend that women getting back into the dating world up their game by making an effort to dress in up-to-date clothing and afford attractive grooming costs (though everyone's taste and mileage may vary, obviously).

Dating (like most things) costs money.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> And she has passed the test of contacting me first sometimes in between dates so it's not like she is just looking for a free outing. So I will see what happens when I mention it


Why not meet for a couple of beers,it needn't cost much.If you can't afford to date this woman then tell her,if she walks away you will know she wasn't for you but chances are she will offer to pay or else suggest cooking at her or your place.In my opinion if finances aren't a problem then the guy should pay but if they are then just talk about it.


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Why not meet for a couple of beers,it needn't cost much.If you can't afford to date this woman then tell her,if she walks away you will know she wasn't for you but chances are she will offer to pay or else suggest cooking at her or your place.In my opinion if finances aren't a problem then the guy should pay but if they are then just talk about it.


It's easier to have a cheap date in the spring and summer time so I can probably do those things soon.

Winter time it's hard to have a cheap date unless it's in your living room


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> It's easier to have a cheap date in the spring and summer time so I can probably do those things soon.
> 
> Winter time it's hard to have a cheap date unless it's in your living room


Find a woman who likes to walk.Rain,hail,snow or sun my gf and me walk in the woods near us every day.And here is a free piece of advice.
There is no such thing as bad weather,just wrong clothing.


----------



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Jessica38 said:


> This. It goes for women too- many relationship experts recommend that women getting back into the dating world up their game by making an effort to dress in up-to-date clothing and afford attractive grooming costs (though everyone's taste and mileage may vary, obviously).
> 
> Dating (like most things) costs money.


I disagree with this. You don't have to have your career set up in order to date. If that was the case a high percentage of people would be single and lonely. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

Juice said:


> I disagree with this. You don't have to have your career set up in order to date. If that was the case a high percentage of people would be single and lonely.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk



I will say I was not too happy to not see her dress up for our last date. It was like she threw anything on but I decided not to make a big deal.

That post made me think of how she was dressed on our last date


----------



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

sportsmed said:


> I will say I was not too happy to not see her dress up for our last date. It was like she threw anything on but I decided not to make a big deal.
> 
> That post made me think of how she was dressed on our last date


Oh. I was talking about the career point that someone else mentioned.

I agree with that point of view; if she doesn't dress properly on a date or going out. You might want to reconsider 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

Miss Independent said:


> What did she wear?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Just looked plain. Looked like she didn't put any effort until getting ready


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> Just looked plain. Looked like she didn't put any effort until getting ready


It can take a woman hours to get the casual look.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Try to be open with her about her dressing up and your money situation, if those are important to you. If you can't be honest with a woman then you need to work on improving yourself until you are proud of the man you are and don't feel the need to hide parts of yourself to get her to like you. 

For the dressing up, I just usually tell the women I date that I find it exciting knowing they are getting dressed up to see me and they should take their time and not rush. We always plan our dates so they have plenty of time to get ready and look their best. I also dress up to see them, so that I am setting the expectation that both of us are putting in effort. 

For the money situation, realize that if she likes you the money won't be that important. She'll want to spend time with you on whatever budget you have. Also, if you are spending all of your money dating her you probably aren't saving up for a rainy day, so you should change your priorities. Pay yourself first, then pay your bills, then use the leftover for entertainment/dating.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

Miss Independent said:


> Can you be a little more specific?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Didn't give off a sexy vibe. Dressed like she was going out with family


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> Try to be open with her about her dressing up and your money situation, if those are important to you. If you can't be honest with a woman then you need to work on improving yourself until you are proud of the man you are and don't feel the need to hide parts of yourself to get her to like you.
> 
> For the dressing up, I just usually tell the women I date that I find it exciting knowing they are getting dressed up to see me and they should take their time and not rush. We always plan our dates so they have plenty of time to get ready and look their best. I also dress up to see them, so that I am setting the expectation that both of us are putting in effort.
> 
> For the money situation, realize that if she likes you the money won't be that important. She'll want to spend time with you on whatever budget you have. Also, if you are spending all of your money dating her you probably aren't saving up for a rainy day, so you should change your priorities. Pay yourself first, then pay your bills, then use the leftover for entertainment/dating.




That's what I do, put my in my savings and then pay bills and then use what is leftover.


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> at what point does she offer to pay?


Wait, this happens? Don't think she'll offer anything along those lines. I've found that despite all the feminists whining about gender equality, the man is usually expected to foot the bill, in line with traditional gender roles of inequality. 

You might be able to set the expectation of alternating responsibility for the bill, "I paid last time, so could you get this one?" If it works once, you may be able to give the trend some momentum. Results may vary by woman. Good luck with that!

While I'm posting, I'll share my philosophy on this. I hate the idea of a woman serial-dating for free lunches, so I typically don't pay for anything until a third date. This approach can address the adverse selection problem for women who fit the "independent woman profile". However, if a woman fits the "domestic woman profile" and I really like her, I'll pay earlier and consistently to signal "good provider".

I realize there's a personal budget constraint that explains your initial post, but what is your sense of your date's profile? Does she hold a job and have aspirations for going somewhere in her career? 

If so, paying her way may not be as important and you might risk proposing she chips in. :grin2: 

If not, not paying her way is risky; it may signal "bad provider". :|


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> Wait, this happens? Don't think she'll offer anything along those lines. I've found that despite all the feminists whining about gender equality, the man is usually expected to foot the bill, in line with traditional gender roles of inequality.
> 
> You might be able to set the expectation of alternating responsibility for the bill, "I paid last time, so could you get this one?" If it works once, you may be able to give the trend some momentum. Results may vary by woman. Good luck with that!
> 
> ...


Dude do you ever get even a second date with this attitude.Overthink much.If you refuse to even buy a date a cup of coffee until she has fulfilled all your expectations you are going to have a lonely life.Loosen the purse strings and you may actually enjoy yourself.Dating is supposed to be fun,not an interview for a lifetime partner.


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Dude do you ever get even a second date with this attitude.


I've been married almost 10 years. Yes, I've gotten my share of second dates. Thanks for asking.



Andy1001 said:


> Dating is...not an interview for a lifetime partner.


Depends on short-term and long-term objectives. I try to think long-term, so when I was in the field, every date was a potential mate. If I was doing things over, I might think differently.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> I've been married almost 10 years. Yes, I've gotten my share of second dates. Thanks for asking.
> 
> 
> 
> Depends on short-term and long-term objectives. I try to think long-term, so when I was in the field, every date was a potential mate. If I was doing things over, I might think differently.


I actually find your answer very interesting because when I was dating my objectives were strictly short term.I was into one night stands and short term relationships in a big way.I had a great time during my early to mid/late twenties and I don't regret a thing.
Then I totally screwed up my life and did something I had never done before.I fell in love.lol.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

_anonymous_ said:


> every date was a potential mate.


Wise way of seeing it, especially if there is a chance of pregnancy.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Wise way of seeing it, especially if there is a chance of pregnancy.


I think the word potential should be the key word here.I could potentially join the E street band,but I can't sing or play any instrument.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I think the word potential should be the key word here.I could potentially join the E street band,but I can't sing or play any instrument.


Some people can have recreational sex and feel fine with it. But some people cannot, and find that out the hard way.

Sex can bond people. Why take the risk if there is no mating potential?


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Then I totally screwed up my life and did something I had never done before.I fell in love.lol.


Love makes one an irrational agent, who no longer acts solely to maximize his or her expected payoff.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> Been on 3 dates with this woman and just wondering at what point does she offer to pay? Dating can become costly and I had to make up an excuse not to see her this weekend because my funds are tight
> 
> Thanks


Well, first off, don't go on dates you could not continue to afford to support. Part of what the two of you are evaluating is each other's ability to take on only what you can handle.

In my experience, the best dates are close to free. Hiking up small mountains, walks in parks, bike rides on tree-lined trails. 

The human body's reaction to nature is amazing - oxytocin levels are higher, brain activation is higher - get out of the building. It also costs less.

As far as when does she pay? Welcome to the art of communicating in relationships. Time to start asking her views on money.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

A lady I dated recently never offered, so I simply suggested we alternate paying (she made as much as me if not more).

I don't think she was thrilled, but admitted it was a reasonable request.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that if you still want to go out with this girl you better be prepared to pay for each date. While being honest with her about not having enough money to take her out sounds like the right play it really isn't. She's not going to want to go out with a guy who can't afford to take her out a few times. Most women evaluate a guy based on what lifestyle she would have with him. If there's no money, she will likely opt for someone else.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

It might indeed be a turn-off. But the question is whether you want to be with someone who ignores your (real, quantitative) limits?

Why do you assume this is an issue? Does she have more resources than you and you feel the need to keep up? Does she send signals that she is demanding?

As noted, you must meet your current needs and save for the future. Dating comes after that and competes for money (and time) with other interests. You need to accept it or you'll shortchange yourself and/or find dating stressful, not fun.

IMO, if you make good money (let's say top 25% - around $75k) and are responsible, you should set aside an amount for dating you can comfortably part with and be able to have some quality experiences.

Personally, I am heading back to the top 10% income bracket and handle my finances responsibly. I can afford to pay for pricey dates regularly (And don't mind doing so). But if a lady were to suggest I did not make enough or was not generous enough, I would suggest she find someone better able to meet her needs.



sportsmed said:


> jld said:
> 
> 
> > How about just being honest with her?
> ...


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Yes and no. Lifestyle is just one criteria upon which a guy is evaluated. And lifestyle encompasses more than just how much cash a guy drops on a date.

I have found that ladies are as impressed by my work ethic, intellect, and owning a nice home/cars rather than the dates we di.



jb02157 said:


> I think that if you still want to go out with this girl you better be prepared to pay for each date. While being honest with her about not having enough money to take her out sounds like the right play it really isn't. She's not going to want to go out with a guy who can't afford to take her out a few times. Most women evaluate a guy based on what lifestyle she would have with him. If there's no money, she will likely opt for someone else.


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

DTO said:


> A lady I dated recently never offered, so I simply suggested we alternate paying (she made as much as me if not more).
> 
> I don't think she was thrilled, but admitted it was a reasonable request.



sometimes I get to the point where I get tired of planning and paying for the date.


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> I think that if you still want to go out with this girl you better be prepared to pay for each date. While being honest with her about not having enough money to take her out sounds like the right play it really isn't. She's not going to want to go out with a guy who can't afford to take her out a few times. Most women evaluate a guy based on what lifestyle she would have with him. If there's no money, she will likely opt for someone else.




I;m programmed to lie if I am unable to go out due to finances.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

sportsmed said:


> I;m programmed to lie if I am unable to go out due to finances.


She's going to find this out sooner or later, then what?


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> She's going to find this out sooner or later, then what?



After 4 or more dates I;m guessing I may not have to lie as much.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

sportsmed said:


> After 4 or more dates I;m guessing I may not have to lie as much.


Why? Do you think after the fourth date every thing will be 50/50? 

If you ask a woman out you pay, it doesn't matter if it's the first date or the one hundredth, you asked, you pay. Simple. If she calls you and asks you out you still offer to pay, but if she insist it's her treat then let her pay. 

Asking a woman to start alternating paying for dates? While it may seem practical most will call it classless. The plus side would be it's a great story for her and her friends to laugh about when they're man bashing!


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So sportsmed, do you feel the responses here are better than the ones your received on The Social Spot? 

Inquiring minds would like to know ...


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cooper said:


> Why? Do you think after the fourth date every thing will be 50/50?
> 
> If you ask a woman out you pay, it doesn't matter if it's the first date or the one hundredth, you asked, you pay. Simple. If she calls you and asks you out you still offer to pay, but if she insist it's her treat then let her pay.
> 
> Asking a woman to start alternating paying for dates? While it may seem practical most will call it classless. The plus side would be it's a great story for her and her friends to laugh about when they're man bashing!


I disagree, unless he feels like always paying is something he genuinely wants to do (and it doesn't feel that way).

The problems are:
1. He is doing something he really does not want to do, which eventually will take its toll. I am all for compromise and serving your partner in a marriage or committed LTR, but it's too much to ask at the dating stage.
2. It pedestalizes the woman. If she is that averse to paying for a date, to where she would no longer see him if she had to contribute, then she is sending the signal that "I am worth the sacrifice, but you are not". Why would he want to encourage that?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DTO said:


> I disagree, unless he feels like always paying is something he genuinely wants to do (and it doesn't feel that way).
> 
> The problems are:
> 1. He is doing something he really does not want to do, which eventually will take its toll. I am all for compromise and serving your partner in a marriage or committed LTR, but it's too much to ask at the dating stage. I agree that one should not do what they don't believe in / want to do.
> 2. It pedestalizes the woman. If she is that averse to paying for a date, to where she would no longer see him if she had to contribute, then she is sending the signal that "I am worth the sacrifice, but you are not". Why would he want to encourage that? In exclusive relationships, there are sacrifices. The woman is turning down her opportunity to date other men. She is also expected to coordinate her free time with her boyfriend / live in partner. This is the argument that I put to my boyfriend / future husband when I found out that each time he saw his "friend"* he paid for everything while expecting me to contribute to the cost of each date. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.


*who is still able to date other men and still able to do whatever the f^ck she wants in her free time.....


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

DTO said:


> I disagree, unless he feels like always paying is something he genuinely wants to do (and it doesn't feel that way).
> 
> The problems are:
> 1. He is doing something he really does not want to do, which eventually will take its toll. I am all for compromise and serving your partner in a marriage or committed LTR, but it's too much to ask at the dating stage.
> 2. It pedestalizes the woman. If she is that averse to paying for a date, to where she would no longer see him if she had to contribute, then she is sending the signal that "I am worth the sacrifice, but you are not". Why would he want to encourage that?



She doesn't come off as a gold digger and did pay for the tip on last date. We have a date tonight


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> Love makes one an irrational agent, who no longer acts solely to maximize his or her expected payoff.


I would love to see a Hallmark card with this sentiment.😂


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I agree that one should not do what they don't believe in / want to do.
> 
> In exclusive relationships, there are sacrifices. The woman is turning down her opportunity to date other men. She is also expected to coordinate her free time with her boyfriend / live in partner. This is the argument that I put to my boyfriend / future husband when I found out that each time he saw his "friend"* he paid for everything while expecting me to contribute to the cost of each date. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.
> 
> *who is still able to date other men and still able to do whatever the f^ck she wants in her free time.....


I agree that if he is calling himself your boyfriend, then yes he should be putting a relative priority on you. So, asking you to pay while other ladies get a free ride is wrong.

Otherwise, your argument does not hold up. If we are exclusive, then yes you are sacrificing the ability to date other men, just like I am sacrificing the ability to date other women. We are equally invested, and I should not have to sweeten the pot by paying for the privilege of your company. If you were to tell me that I needed to keep paying since that was my job as the man... well, that is exactly the sort of "putting the woman on a pedestal" behavior I seek to avoid.

As I noted before, I'm on the generous side and have a really good job, so I can and do pay for dates initially, regarding of who's pursuing. But if some lady were to signal that it was an expectation, I'd simply stop asking her out.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> She doesn't come off as a gold digger and did pay for the tip on last date. We have a date tonight



I'm amazed that none of these dates never evolve into relationships. 

Why not invest in a fembot company, I hear that's the next trend. 



Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm amazed that none of these dates never evolve into relationships.
> 
> Why not invest in a fembot company, I hear that's the next trend.
> 
> ...




cause life got in the way

family issues

housing issues

financial issues


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> cause life got in the way
> 
> family issues
> 
> ...


Yes we know all about your issues, you started threads for each of them in the past. 

On second thoughts, you'd probably drive a fembot nuts.... 










Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


----------



## sportsmed (Apr 9, 2017)

MrsAldi said:


> Yes we know all about your issues, you started threads for each of them in the past.
> 
> On second thoughts, you'd probably drive a fembot nuts....
> 
> ...




Must you be so nasty?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sportsmed said:


> Must you be so nasty?


Must you keep returning?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> cause life got in the way
> 
> family issues
> 
> ...


Well if you are going to go on a crazy spending spree and spend twenty dollars on your nights out of course you will have financial problems.The hot girls in your city must be dreaming about dating you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Must you keep returning?


If you have an issue with an OP, don’t post on their thread. It’s not hard to do.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsAldi said:


> Yes we know all about your issues, you started threads for each of them in the past.
> 
> On second thoughts, you'd probably drive a fembot nuts...


If you have an issue with an OP, don’t post on their thread. It’s not hard to do.


----------



## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> I agree with inviting her over to make her dinner- that is definitively NOT a turn off for many women.


Eh, you are treading on traditionally feminine territory here (cooking). I am sure there are some women who legit don't see that as a turnoff, but I don't know how a million years of evolution regarding gender roles can be erased in a couple decades since the 60s.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Todd Haberdasher said:


> Eh, you are treading on traditionally feminine territory here (cooking). I am sure there are some women who legit don't see that as a turnoff, but I don't know how a million years of evolution regarding gender roles can be erased in a couple decades since the 60s.


There are more male chefs on the Food Network than women these days- Bobby Flay is usually considered a pretty cool guy by most men I know. A few of the most attractive men I know cook for their wives, my husband included. Not every night, but on the weekends with a glass of wine and music playing? Some of our best times together.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

sportsmed said:


> I figured it would be a turnoff to mention funds are tight


And it would be less of a turnoff to hide the truth from her?


----------

