# 3rd time doesn’t feel like a charm



## TXgirl_N_KY

Hello. I’m 37 years old and I’ve been married and divorced 3 times, yes the divorces have been my fault and no one knows that but me (and my first ex since he was the only one I was ever truthful with in the end)
My first marriage started out meeting online when I was 19 and living in MI and he was 24 and living in IL, he was a super sweet guy. We eventually met and had a great weekend together and then I drove to IL to stay with him for a few days that turned into 6 years. He was amazing and I did him wrong after we had been together 4 years and then got married. We were having issues conceiving (on my end) and I needed a break. All the years leading up to it he would go on a hunting trip with his boss and be gone for a week. I would always find house projects to stay busy, but the year we were trying and going through fertility issues and miscarriage after miscarriage, I went online. I needed change and it was the only thing I knew to escape reality. I met someone online, we would meet occasionally and it continued for a while and things of course got worse between me and my SO. I eventually went to TX for Thanksgiving and stayed a week, slept around down there and did the worst thing anyone could ever do to someone they loved, told him over the phone. I said I wanted a divorce and I didn’t want to have a baby with him. My other two marriage/divorces ended the same way with me getting pissed, going online and leaving. So after that I was not looking to get married again, had several rocky small flings, got myself my own apartment, had a good job, a car that was paid for and then met my current SO..online. We talked for a few weeks and then spoke on the phone. He was funny, charming, considerate. Our first lunch date was at IHOP, then that next night he picked me up and brought flowers and we had a great time together bowling. He dropped me off at home and left. But then I found out he himself was going through a rough patch with his now exW. She up and left him, cleaned out the bank account. When I found out he was technically still married, I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I didn’t want to start a relationship that way. But we continued to talk, and eventually then it just became more as his divorce was coming to a finalization. He took on all her debt in medical bills (she was schizophrenic) and he was free and clear of alimony. We eventually moved in together and got married a year and a half later. I don’t know why I did this. It’s like I get married and instantly I regret it and try to make things worse. My sex drive has become Zero, our problems have intensified. We’ve been together 5 years. We argue all the time. His mood swings are bad. A few months back I had to be put on Cytomel along with my Synthroid for my hypothyroidism and I had to start on a Hormone Replacement Therapy due to hitting a premenopausal state from a hysterectomy about 7 years ago. Every time he wants to have sex, I have no drive. It’s a chore. I just want to tell him to go sleep with someone else because he’s not going to get any emotional out of me. I don’t know what to do. Last week I had to go stay at my MIL because it got so bad at home. He blocked our driveway with his vehicle and she had to come pick me up. We’re supposed to start marriage counseling Tuesday, but is it really going to work. All he cares about is sex and I just want his thoughtfulness to come back.


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## Diana7

So at 37 you are in your forth marriage?


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## TJW

TXgirl_N_KY said:


> I don’t know why I did this.


I don't either. But, two things are succinctly clear. 

1) you have made a mistake. Actually, three. You do not want to be married to the men you were, and are, married to. Correct this mistake.

2) until you do the work needed to figure out "why you did this".... and correct that issue within yourself, you are not going to have any kind of successful marriage. You will simply, again, do the same thing you did 3 times already.



TXgirl_N_KY said:


> I did him wrong
> slept around down there
> had several rocky small flings,
> I get married and instantly I regret it
> try to make things worse


You are creating the life for yourself which you believe that you DESERVE. Why?? Is the question you must answer. Why do you believe that you deserve failure ?


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## Talker67

sorry dear, if this is your fourth marriage at so young an age, i have a hard time believing your husband is at fault. 
look a little deeper inside.


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## Benbutton

TXgirl_N_KY said:


> Hello. I’m 37 years old and I’ve been married and divorced 3 times, yes the divorces have been my fault and no one knows that but me (and my first ex since he was the only one I was ever truthful with in the end)
> My first marriage started out meeting online when I was 19 and living in MI and he was 24 and living in IL, he was a super sweet guy. We eventually met and had a great weekend together and then I drove to IL to stay with him for a few days that turned into 6 years. He was amazing and I did him wrong after we had been together 4 years and then got married. We were having issues conceiving (on my end) and I needed a break. All the years leading up to it he would go on a hunting trip with his boss and be gone for a week. I would always find house projects to stay busy, but the year we were trying and going through fertility issues and miscarriage after miscarriage, I went online. I needed change and it was the only thing I knew to escape reality. I met someone online, we would meet occasionally and it continued for a while and things of course got worse between me and my SO. I eventually went to TX for Thanksgiving and stayed a week, slept around down there and did the worst thing anyone could ever do to someone they loved, told him over the phone. I said I wanted a divorce and I didn’t want to have a baby with him. My other two marriage/divorces ended the same way with me getting pissed, going online and leaving. So after that I was not looking to get married again, had several rocky small flings, got myself my own apartment, had a good job, a car that was paid for and then met my current SO..online. We talked for a few weeks and then spoke on the phone. He was funny, charming, considerate. Our first lunch date was at IHOP, then that next night he picked me up and brought flowers and we had a great time together bowling. He dropped me off at home and left. But then I found out he himself was going through a rough patch with his now exW. She up and left him, cleaned out the bank account. When I found out he was technically still married, I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I didn’t want to start a relationship that way. But we continued to talk, and eventually then it just became more as his divorce was coming to a finalization. He took on all her debt in medical bills (she was schizophrenic) and he was free and clear of alimony. We eventually moved in together and got married a year and a half later. I don’t know why I did this. It’s like I get married and instantly I regret it and try to make things worse. My sex drive has become Zero, our problems have intensified. We’ve been together 5 years. We argue all the time. His mood swings are bad. A few months back I had to be put on Cytomel along with my Synthroid for my hypothyroidism and I had to start on a Hormone Replacement Therapy due to hitting a premenopausal state from a hysterectomy about 7 years ago. Every time he wants to have sex, I have no drive. It’s a chore. I just want to tell him to go sleep with someone else because he’s not going to get any emotional out of me. I don’t know what to do. Last week I had to go stay at my MIL because it got so bad at home. He blocked our driveway with his vehicle and she had to come pick me up. We’re supposed to start marriage counseling Tuesday, but is it really going to work. All he cares about is sex and I just want his thoughtfulness to come back.


You should probably consider therapy to address your own list of problems rather than focusing on his.


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## wmn1

Talker67 said:


> sorry dear, if this is your fourth marriage at so young an age, i have a hard time believing your husband is at fault.
> look a little deeper inside.


OP is doing a lot of blameshifting rather than looking in a mirror. 

Agreed. She needs to fix herself


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## D0nnivain

MC will only help after you have IC to fix what is broken inside of you. You seek validation & make bad choices -- a lot. 

I don't know if you can save your marriage but your 1st priority has to be addressing whatever it is that makes you so . . . impulsive. You think you fix what's wrong in you from the outside. You can't. It has to be internal. When you are bored you don't go screw somebody outside of your primary relationship just for kicks. 

Try to remember that while women need to feel loved to have sex, men need sex to feel loved. Talk to your husband. Don't accuse or cast aspersions. Do tell him you would feel more open to sex if some of his thoughtfulness returned. Tell him exactly what that looks like. Do you want him to buy you flowers? Give you a backrub? Plan a date night? You have to be specific. Meanwhile in advance of that, do whatever you have to do to get yourself in the mood so you are ready & willing to have sex with him. You have to give to get so find out what he needs to be able to give you want you want.


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## Diana7

You seem to be incapable of committment and faithfulness. Has it occured to you that you are not cut out for marriage? The chances of a 4th marriage succeeding are sadly very low.


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## QuietGuy

Was your husband aware of your history before he married you? You appear to have some deep seated issues that only therapy can address. Fix yourself first and foremost.


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## Mr.Married

Have you considered just dating? You could throw the fish back in the sea every few years without all this disastrous mess. Committed monogamous living just isn’t your thing. If you can plan around that simple fact your can save yourself a lot of BS.


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## LisaDiane

TXgirl_N_KY said:


> We’re supposed to start marriage counseling Tuesday, but is it really going to work. All he cares about is sex and *I just want his thoughtfulness to come back.*


You just want his thoughtfulness to come back, but your post unmasks YOU as a very selfish and un-thoughtful partner.

I am not sure you can handle or even understand the responsibilities and needs of a real marriage or relationship.
I also agree with the others who recommended you start individual counseling to sort out the issues that seem to keep manifesting in every relationship you have.


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## SunCMars

Your next partner should be an unconditionally loving, fluffy dog, and your permanent bed partner, a soft pillow.

After doing this, make no more commitments or changes.

Do no more harm.



_Lilith-_


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## DudeInProgress

wmn1 said:


> OP is doing a lot of blameshifting rather than looking in a mirror.
> 
> Agreed. She needs to fix herself


Some people are not fixable, at least not fixable enough to make appropriate spouses/partners. Some people are just not fit for long-term relationships.

That’s just really. 

And at this point, with all of this baggage and history, she’s going to have a damn hard time finding a quality man that she really would want, who will be willing to commit to her.

sorry, but that’s how I see it.


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## wmn1

DudeInProgress said:


> Some people are not fixable, at least not fixable enough to make appropriate spouses/partners. Some people are just not fit for long-term relationships.
> 
> That’s just really.
> 
> And at this point, with all of this baggage and history, she’s going to have a damn hard time finding a quality man that she really would want, who will be willing to commit to her.
> 
> sorry, but that’s how I see it.


I agree but there is a caveat. Will the next guy know or find out before it's too late ?


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