# My husband makes me feel like the punch line to a bad joke



## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

I feel miserable. My husband won't touch me. I ask him to spend 10minutes out of his day just holding me and he would rather be on facebook. We haven't had sex for five months granted I had a baby a little over three months ago but he makes me feel neglected and unwanted. He helps me out around the house which I appreciate but he is missing the part that I keep asking him for. I have suggested counseling but he says "for what?" its like he doesn't see there is a problem in our marriage. We have been together for four years with two little ones. He makes me feel like other women are better than me. I can't stand it. He can never say I am pretty or I am doing a wonderful job as a wife and mother, instead he complains when I am sitting, saying that I don't do anything around the house. It makes me so mad because the house would be way more messy, if I was not constantly picking up after the kids, the house is just a little messy but its hygenically clean. I just don't understand why he is treating me this way...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I think you two need to get his needs/ her needs and the five languages of love. There is a free online quiz for the five languages of love and I have a hunch that yours is physical touch and his is acts of service. Perhaps taking it will help you both understand each other better.


One thing I want to ask you.... you said he makes you feel like other women are prettier? Does he openly gawk at them and/or make comments? Does he compare them to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

He has talked to them sexually. He has said how great they are but never directly compares me to them unless I bring it up then he tries to say it in a joking tone that they are better than me. When I get upset he basically says that I am too insecure... I bought a book to help us with our marriage but he refuses to do the workbook saying that there is no need to do it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Wow have you told him to stop talking to them sexually because your not comfortable with it? If so... what was his response? It doesn't sound like he is taking the marriage seriously. Nor does it sound like he respects you.
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## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

I have talked to him about it over and over and over again. I hate that I am a really forgiving person. He never apologizes. He used to get mad when I would go through his stuff until I told him that there is no such thing as privacy in a marriage and that stuff should even be happening in the first place.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Keep setting boundaries and remain firm on them. That's about all I can suggest for now.
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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You are being a doormat. Please stop, otherwise your husband never will. You need to instead of being non confronting, stick to your guns and have good boundaries because you fear of his reaction, be afraid of the miserable life you have ahead of you. 

Sexual talk with other women IS cheating. 

You need to ask for counseling and for him to recognize and instead of just apologizing he needs to have his actions show you what he is willing to do toile this a better relationship.

Does he watch much porn? Is he flirting with others? Is he secretive about his FB and email and phone etc? These are signs of disrespect and cheating IMO. 

Set hard boundaries and stick with them. If he thinks you are afraid to stick by them and that he has all the power he will continue to treat you badly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I wanted to add please don't let your life slip away with a man who doesn't value you.
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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

its remarkable and crazy...

How you remain with a man you so want to be close to whereas other men/women out there have all this yet sleep around, cheat or walk away...

it really is madness....what is the "right" thing to do these days in any relationship...

You sound like a great woman and what you require in my opinion are the basics of any given relationship.

He however has stopped trying and is taking you for granted...

I would read him the riot act and threaten to leave unless he bucks up his ideas


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## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

Thanks you guys for your support.

I have threatened divorce, but he thinks it is an empty threat and then gets angry and goes on to say he feels he is staying for the kids.

I think most of the reason he thinks it is an empty threat is because I don't believe in divorce but I am almost at the point that I would rather be a single mom than married to him... I don't want to feel this way but I am not sure how to phrase things so I don't insult him and get my point across and that he understand and I don't have to say it again to him.


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## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

What you need to do Pensive, is take a deep breath and not say a word more to your husband about divorce. Start to put away a little extra money in another account for yourself, take classes etc. So that you have the confidance to leave him. 
I am a stay at home mum, and I am not sure if you are one? But the next time you say the D word, mean it and walk. But don't say it until you have set yourself up a little to succeed. 

You can do it, and there is heaps of help for single mums in the community.

Bottom line is he won't respect you until you walk the walk.


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## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

I am a stay at home mom and I have been trying to establish my career as a photographer since that is what I was studying in school and I enjoy it. Plus I can set my own hours... The problem is finding work. I had money saved but we had to use it for bills and stuff because we are now having financial issues. I really love him and don't want a divorce but I feel I am being pushed into it...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

pensive said:


> Thanks you guys for your support.
> 
> I have threatened divorce, but he thinks it is an empty threat and then gets angry and goes on to say he feels he is staying for the kids.
> 
> I think most of the reason he thinks it is an empty threat is because I don't believe in divorce but I am almost at the point that I would rather be a single mom than married to him... I don't want to feel this way but I am not sure how to phrase things so I don't insult him and get my point across and that he understand and I don't have to say it again to him.


He sees you as a person who makes threats you don't keep, which teaches him not to take you seriously. If you don't believe in divorce and feel you won't have a choice in the matter, I suggest taking steps to prepare - and do it in a very visible way that lets him know you're serious. Do not discuss it with him, just let him see you looking for an apartment, or overhear you asking your family if you can come stay with them, or whatever. (Before you do this, though, make sure you've protected any assets he might try to take.)

If he sees you are serious, I think you'll see a change in his behavior. He might head out the door himself, but he also might come back around and start thinking about how he's contributing to problems.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What do you love about him? 

You probably love the idea of what he promised you and what you think the relationship could be like. That's a hard thing to let go of and we all hold on to hope. Hope before belief right?

I all ways thought I'd be married forever too, it's very important to me. But I now understand, that my marriage did give me things, lessons and valuable experiences, and I can now move forward with a greater understanding of how to have a great marriage, whih takes two people, making great effort. 

I have met a wonderful man, who does all the things I believe a good man does. And you are limiting your self by staying with this man.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Was he like this when you two were dating? 
Or have the habits developed slowly over time? 
Like you notice how he gawks at other women. Did he do this while dating? 
And you notice the lack of sex. Is he looking at large amounts of porn? What was he like while dating? Was it an "every time we meet" kind of drive, or was it like it is now?


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## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> What do you love about him?
> 
> You probably love the idea of what he promised you and what you think the relationship could be like. That's a hard thing to let go of and we all hold on to hope. Hope before belief right?
> 
> ...


Besides the physical things I like about him? Ha ha ha... I love his sense of humor when I am not angry at him, when he tries to help around the house and with the kids, making breakfast sometimes, supports the fact that I want to be a stay at home mom, sometimes his spontaneous nature.... 

I don't intend on dating if we get divorced I may consider it once my children have moved out and are old enough to take care of themselves but I don't want another man raising my children nor do I want to put a man that position. I would rather focus on my kids.

I plan ahead for "just in case" so thats why I know what my divorce plans are not that I am looking forward to it or anthing


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## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Was he like this when you two were dating?
> Or have the habits developed slowly over time?
> Like you notice how he gawks at other women. Did he do this while dating?
> And you notice the lack of sex. Is he looking at large amounts of porn? What was he like while dating? Was it an "every time we meet" kind of drive, or was it like it is now?




He was super passionate when we started dating even after two years later we were having sex at least 3 times a day... He has stopped looking at porn because it has been issue before and I don't want to be replaced by some fantasy he has of sex... not that I haven't tried to full fill them... Talking to other women was an issue a couple of times but I would trust him to stop or he would tell me he was just joking around with them... Maybe I am stupid for being so forgiving and not holding a grudge like I should have...


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## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

Now I get teased and have to practically force him to hug me goodbye... Its frustrating things he used to do, he doesn't do anymore, yet I am still the same person doing the same things I used to do... Of course I have more responsibilities but I still try to keep what little spark we have left alive... But I am ready to throw the towel in and just be single. I feel like a roommate that shares a bed and is a live in nanny... I try to flirt with him and he ignores me and tells me what I am doing is puppy love... date nights are a stupid idea according to him and I hate that the negatives are starting to out weigh the positives... I know he cares about me but love? Eh, I am starting to doubt it... What can I do?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

wow this guy needs a sharp boot in the rear. Just having a child, running a house sorry HOME where there is a babe in arms and a little one who as all reasonable parents know can destroy a well kept room in second as its their play area not just a show piece. You H is talking to other women by the look of it on facebook and not showing you the respect you deserve a. as a wife b. asa a woman and c. as a new mother. Hit him hard with the reality. He may be feeling jealous of the new born and the attention its getting. Im not defending him here but some partners really do suffer this as suddently around month7/8 they see all the focus on you and then the child and they are moved to the back of the line. Its wrong but it happens - Lay down (as stated above ) clear boundries if he fails to observe these remove the things you do for him like making his food, laundry he'll get annoyed that is the time to remind him of what disrespect you are getting. Keep your reseve and maintain the boundries. BUT start to keep a mental not of what hes doing on line, cell phone etc sadly he may be starting to fish for female shoulders to cry on and this can/will lead to next stage situations - hope Im wrong


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## pensive (Sep 13, 2012)

Pault said:


> wow this guy needs a sharp boot in the rear. Just having a child, running a house sorry HOME where there is a babe in arms and a little one who as all reasonable parents know can destroy a well kept room in second as its their play area not just a show piece. You H is talking to other women by the look of it on facebook and not showing you the respect you deserve a. as a wife b. asa a woman and c. as a new mother. Hit him hard with the reality. He may be feeling jealous of the new born and the attention its getting. Im not defending him here but some partners really do suffer this as suddently around month7/8 they see all the focus on you and then the child and they are moved to the back of the line. Its wrong but it happens - Lay down (as stated above ) clear boundries if he fails to observe these remove the things you do for him like making his food, laundry he'll get annoyed that is the time to remind him of what disrespect you are getting. Keep your reseve and maintain the boundries. BUT start to keep a mental not of what hes doing on line, cell phone etc sadly he may be starting to fish for female shoulders to cry on and this can/will lead to next stage situations - hope Im wrong


Well, This is his second marriage. He actually has an 8 year old with his ex girlfriend and then we have a 23 month old and a 3 month old... So I try to give him attention... but he doesn't want it... When I ask him why he doesn't reciprocate he simply says that he isn't as "needy" as I am or that I am "high maintenance"... all because I want to cuddle with him or hug him or kiss him.... even kissing him goodbye is "too much"

I am afraid I am running out of options... I am not the type to run, I hold my ground and I will fight... but I can't seem to find a good reason anymore and staying for this kids isn't a good reason... It will only make them miserable...


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