# Does anyone still want to be married?



## Pinkturtle

I know that I didn't want to be divorced and thought we could work on our problems. The didn't seen insurmountable. Share what you feel on this topic.


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## RandomDude

No way in hell


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## arbitrator

*In time, I'd absolutely love to be ~ but only when I can fully learn to trust again!

But then again, it takes a big man to say that he is unafraid of the future. I did that once with skewed results. I'm afraid that it would truly take a woman of God to help me to overcome that fear!*


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## frootloop

Nope. I see no reason for it - I'm too old for kids, which is the only justification for taking the plunge, imo.


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## Forever Changed

I would love to be married to the girl I once knew, fell in love with and had a baby with. As for now? No way. Not after what she turned into.

As for a second marriage, I can say today that there is no chance, ever. Im 36 and I'm damned tired.


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## angelpixie

Would I still want to be married to my Ex? Absolutely not. He's broken beyond repair, mainly because he refuses to see that he's broken.

Do I still want to be married someday? Nope. I see no reason to be. I'm done having kids. I don't need to marry a man to take care of me financially. Obtaining anything I want now doesn't require a wedding ring and a certificate of marriage.


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## whitehawk

Been having lots and lots of thoughts on the subject as l go through all this [email protected]
The first bonus l thought of is we're older now so they'll be older too soooo - you don't have to worry about what they're turning into they'll already be it. So if you like that then , all good 

Another thing that all this has shown me is that vows mean nothing to some people so on one hand why bother again anyway . You'll never ever know if you have one of those people or not no matter what they say or believe until maybe the day comes.

So l'm thinking if she did come along why bother just live in sin  , to hell with it .
The only thing is , ever meet an old couple that have been together for years yet never actually got married . l've met a few and personally l always find it a bit sad so - who knows !

And that dear Tamers is as far as l've gotten on the situation so far :scratchhead:


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## LivingAgain

angelpixie said:


> Would I still want to be married to my Ex? Absolutely not. He's broken beyond repair, mainly because he refuses to see that he's broken.
> 
> Do I still want to be married someday? Nope. I see no reason to be. I'm done having kids. I don't need to marry a man to take care of me financially. Obtaining anything I want now doesn't require a wedding ring and a certificate of marriage.


Wow, my thoughts EXACTLY!! :iagree:

Do I want a relationship and someone to grow old(er) with? Yes! But that does not require a marriage certificate


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## Jellybeans

I loved being married, the idea of marriage. I wish we could have lasted but our chapter ended and such is life.

To marry again--not sure. Kinda have a "I already did that" attitude now.


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## Jellybeans

Satya said:


> But I do believe that making a decided choice to bring children into the world requires an equal level of commitment from both parents. In my mind that commitment is demonstrated by marriage. It might not be the same for others.


Yeah the thing about that is is that marriage isn't a guarantee of commitment or forever. So even if you married, had kids, there is no guarantee it would last. 

Just saying.

Sometimes I think that having children is a way bigger commitment than a marriage. Marriages end all the time. Being a parent doesn't.


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## LivingAgain

Jellybeans said:


> I loved being married, the idea of marriage. I wish we could have lasted but our chapter ended and such is life.
> 
> To marry again--not sure. Kinda have a "I already did that" attitude now.


I loved being married, too. That is what I was grieving after the separation - not losing HIM, but losing the marriage and the chance to spend the rest of my life with one person in that covenant.

But been there, done that - no more marriages for me!


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## Jellybeans

Being married can actually be fun.

It's finding the right person though... that is the freakin 'needle in a haystack' part of it. I guess looking back now though, I am glad I had the opportunity and got to experience it. It did have its nice moments.


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## Jellybeans

I suppose now I just need to be with someone who doesn't want to marry me as much as I don;t want to marry them. Ah, love!


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## Tomara

RandomDude said:


> No way in hell



:iagree: When h3ll freezes over.


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## angelpixie

whitehawk said:


> Another thing that all this has shown me is that vows mean nothing to some people so on one hand why bother again anyway . *You'll never ever know if you have one of those people or not no matter what they say or believe until maybe the day comes.*


QFT, 'hawk. And taking that chance again is just not worth it for me.


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## Pinkturtle

[QUOTE=whitehawk;

Another thing that all this has shown me is that vows mean nothing to some people so on one hand why bother again anyway . You'll never ever know if you have one of those people or not no matter what they say or believe until maybe the day comes.


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## Pinkturtle

You are so right Whitehawk. My ex really didn't understand that vows are for life.


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## lisab0105

I haven't been married, but my engagement just ended. I have had 3 long term relationships since I was 19 years old. Being engaged this last time was the closest I have come to being married. 

I am done having kids but I still want to be someone's wife someday. 

The thing with just living with someone, when my man gets sick and decisions have to be made, I have no say in anything. Even if I know what is best and what he wants, his family could be f*cking azzholes and treat me like I am nothing simply because I was not his wife. My first relationship ended in suicide and while I knew exactly what he wanted, his psycho mother trashed everything. I had no control and she got away with it. 

I think there is beauty in marriage and I hope I meet someone that loves me and trusts me enough to make that commitment with me.


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## 3Xnocharm

I enjoyed being married. Hell it was the only thing I knew I wanted to do when I grew up, haha! Makes me sad that the ONE thing I knew I wanted just seems not meant to be. I tried. I have a rotten man picker.


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## stillhoping

I didn't want my first marriage to end, I wanted it to the end of our lives. I would consider getting married again. I have no plans about it, just know its still on my radar while dating. Marriage is important to me, just because he decided to change the rules, doesn't mean the whole thing is bad or wrong. I want the companionship of knowing there is someone there all the time


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## 2galsmom

No. I was thinking about this very topic today as I was driving in between work appointments, and I realized I am never going to marry again and that makes me content. It was a good day.


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## whitehawk

lisab0105 said:


> I haven't been married, but my engagement just ended. I have had 3 long term relationships since I was 19 years old. Being engaged this last time was the closest I have come to being married.
> 
> I am done having kids but I still want to be someone's wife someday.
> 
> The thing with just living with someone, when my man gets sick and decisions have to be made, I have no say in anything. Even if I know what is best and what he wants, his family could be f*cking azzholes and treat me like I am nothing simply because I was not his wife. My first relationship ended in suicide and while I knew exactly what he wanted, his psycho mother trashed everything. I had no control and she got away with it.
> 
> I think there is beauty in marriage and I hope I meet someone that loves me and trusts me enough to make that commitment with me.


Yeah big points lisa, there is that sort of stuff that goes with marriage. 
Anyway good for you and good luck too, hope you get what you want :smthumbup: .


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## whitehawk

3Xnocharm said:


> I enjoyed being married. Hell it was the only thing I knew I wanted to do when I grew up, haha! Makes me sad that the ONE thing I knew I wanted just seems not meant to be. I tried. I have a rotten man picker.


It's so strange . Only 4 yrs ago we had this jokey line in arguments - " if you ever leave me l'm coming too "
Hu , so much for that


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## Pepper123

I wish I had not believed someone that looked me in the face, told me he could never lay a hand on a woman, and then two years later would wrap his hands around my neck and try and kill me. And then do it again, and again... eventually leading to me miscarrying a child.

The painful part is, I do love him still... and we have been apart for almost 2 years. He was deeply troubled and I was his whipping post for over ten years. But between the abuse, there were so many happy moments that compounded a deep love that I am not sure I will ever lose. We have a child together. I had to leave him, because I could not let go of what he had done... my trust was irreparably damaged. 

Only when I left did I finally start to heal. 

Do I want to be married... yes. Just not to him.


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## Jellybeans

Pepper, you sound like the classically abused woman... "he tried to strangle me but we really loved eachother."

Eh. Please get into therapy to find out why you think that is love. Most abusers/relationships have ups and downs... ti's the cycle of abuse but it would do you good to not get involved with anyone until you see how WRONG that is.


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## angelpixie

:iagree: Totally agree, Jelly. I was thinking the same thing. There is _no room_ in a true, real love for abuse or violence. If this man's actions led to the death of your unborn child...wow. I can't imagine ever loving someone who could do that, to me or to our child. 

Please do find a therapist who has experience dealing with abusive relationships -- and not all of them do. 

You deserve so much better than to be treated like that. When you are healthy, and are part of a healthy love relationship, you will be astounded at the difference.


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## oviid

It's almost scary reading this. But it's not surprising to me. I've been with the same person 20 years starting when I was only 22 and married to her for 18. The amount of work and just everything that went into this has been so much. I am grateful for my time with her and the fact that I have four wonderful kids too. BUT wow will I ever have the energy and want to work on another one? Right now I feel like when this ends I will NEVER say "I do" again. My idea of "till death do us part" is shook.


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## Paradise

This is a great topic and I would love to have everyone here re-post this in about 5 years. 

Right now I would say I will NEVER get married again. Did that once and the last year or so sucked the life out of me. However, I was at fault as well. I've grown since then. I'm a much better person and would be a much better partner than I was before but I still cannot see myself placing that full trust and love into someone else. At least not right now. 

Most marriages go through hell at some point. At least all of the ones I've spoken to. I just love talking to older folks who have been married for years and there are always moments of crisis in the marriage. But, they stay the course. Kind of like putting your money in the stock market. Ups and downs. 

It would take a VERY special person to make me take the plunge again. Then again, isn't that what I should have waited for the first time? Thought I had that person but it wasn't so.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

I know for sure I don't want to go back to my ex. I am not sure about getting remarried. I know for sure that I don't want to die alone. I know I want someone to share each other's life with. I also know for sure that I"m very cautious about relationships. I'm not too trusting at this point. And, I don't want to go through that kind of pain again.

The question remains; do I want to risk that kind of pain again for the chance of having a fulfilling life with someone else.


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## brokenbythis

Absolutely no way.


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## Married but Happy

About 5% to perhaps as much as 10% of marriages are truly good and happy long term. We already know that at least 40% end in divorce, and many, many others are dysfunctional or unhappy in some way.

Marriage is obsolete and badly flawed, IMO, and I would approach it with extreme skepticism. Yet my marriage is one of those select few that truly works. Of course, it's far from being a traditional, conventional marriage, which may be why it does work.


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## Deejo

Yes! I want to be married a whole bunch of times more. I can't wait to meet my next ex-wife.

Calling the site ' Talk About the Possibility of Marriage' just doesnt roll off the tongue.


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## Jellybeans

:rofl: Deejo


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## Jellybeans

2galsmom said:


> Once while married, I went to a spa, by myself. That was nice!
> 
> Jellybeans I hope you find the needle in the haystack.


Likewise. :smthumbup:

It seems I found the syringe.. hahaha


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## CEL

Don't know if I have place on this thread but hey that has never stopped me before. Never been married but well we where engaged. I guess after all is said and done I have realized the things that I wanted in a marriage.

1. Commitment to each other

2. Companionship

3. Emotional Support

4. A partner through thick and thin

5. Someone to grow old with and to enjoy the world with

6. Great sex


All these things don't really require a marriage. I think we fool ourselves we think because we get married it means that the person will honor there vows of not cheating, being there when we need them, always be wiling to work things out. Kinda like we are looking for someone who is a "lock" and will never leave us some who will always work it out and who will love us. I think I always looked at marriage that way like it was the final turn of the lock and after that you just knew they would never leave. I mean divorces happen to other people.

I now know that marriage is just symbol and like most symbols it can hide a lack of substance. The things I want in a relationship are doable with or without a marriage. I can have all those things without being married and whether I marry or not will offer me no guarantees that the person will stay. Instead a marriage is an illusion of stability in an ever changing relationship. People change and thereby relationships change who we are what we want and what we are willing to give and accept change so much through the years. That to believe that a certificate or even vows before your god will hold someone is to deny the reality of life that we touch some people for brief moments other for longer moments but very very few for our whole lives.

I guess what I have learned is very simple, all people want to be happy. And when they are unhappy long enough they leave. Nothing wrong with that unless they do it in an dishonorable way like cheating or lying. So do I want to marry or even get engaged again? No probably not, sounds like a lot of illusion for nothing of gain people still leave, people still cheat. Marriage just means they hide it better gives them more incentive to lie.

As for what I can promise in a relationship if not marriage. 

1. My word is my bond I will not stray

2. No matter what happens I will always care enough to pick up the phone and get you if you are stranded.

3. If I fall out of love I will be honest and tell you.

4. I will always consider you a friend with the same benefits all my friends have. My loyalty, compassion, empathy and strength. I will stand by your side.

I guess that would be a good start but marriage no that is not something I can promise. A future no I can't promise that either. I can promise today. I can promise to be a great damn boyfriend today and to be honest when tomorrow comes. Somedays I think that is enough other times I am not so sure.


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## EnjoliWoman

Yes. Or a LTR living together. I agree with CEL. Except I guess I do like the idea of being married. It just seems a bit more committed than living together and SAYING you're committed. For, as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. 

The argument could be ones' actions in a relationship that demonstrate unwavering commitment are more important actions than putting a ring on a finger and signing a legal document. But I kind of still want that. I wouldn't be a deal breaker, however.

And I admit (and it's silly, I know) - I would like the ceremony. I guess I"d be OK with any commitment ceremony even without the legal document if there had to be compromise.

First go-round I never had an engagement ring, we married at the courthouse without family or friends around due to being 700 miles away from everyone. I'd really like to share that moment with family and friends - the proclamation in public.


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## Freak On a Leash

My biggest regret in my life was getting married. I hated being married and throughout most of it I was miserable and planning to end my marriage. It wasn't "If" but "WHEN" I would get divorced. I was literally just waiting until the time was right.

Then it ended and I've never been happier. The only good things that came of it are my two great kids and that I now truly appreciate and love being single. For the first time in my life I'm happy. I'm not quite where I want to be yet but am working towards it.

I love living alone. I love having the freedom to come and go as I please, make my own decisions and live my own life in my own way. 

I can't even blame my ex entirely for the failure of our marriage. He played a part and had he been a good husband for me it may have worked but I have my doubts. I was never meant to be married. Never should've gotten married. Never will I get married. Heck, I don't even want to date or get into a relationship! 

This is my theme song:

Korn - Never Never (Lyric) - YouTube


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## Micfhelle

which is the only justification for taking the plunge, imo.


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## indiecat

Yes, but to someone who has some honesty and honor.


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## arbitrator

indiecat said:


> *Yes, but to someone who has some honesty and honor.*


*... which definitely does not include the likes of my XW!*


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## Pepper123

*Re: Re: Does anyone still want to be married?*



Jellybeans said:


> Pepper, you sound like the classically abused woman... "he tried to strangle me but we really loved eachother."
> 
> Eh. Please get into therapy to find out why you think that is love. Most abusers/relationships have ups and downs... ti's the cycle of abuse but it would do you good to not get involved with anyone until you see how WRONG that is.


I don't believe in carrying animosity or anger after something has ended. It is a waste of energy. 

FTR, I've done 3 different types of counseling to deal with what I went through. I've dealt with it. I'm not afraid if him. He is my child's father. I don't love him as in want to be with him.

I find it ridiculous that you would think anyone that abused someone means that they couldn't love them. Same as in infidelity it means that they had their own underlying issues they didn't / couldn't at the time deal with. Considering how often people on here reconcile after an affair, it is a preposterous assumption that abuse could not result in the same result. 

Your thought process is misguided. I'm removed from my abuse and have dealt with the anger- a secondary emotion to being hurt. I understand why you still hold so much resentment considering how fresh yours is.


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## 2galsmom

Pepper I hope you look into why you equate strangling someone with love, educate yourself. Men who strangle women are 33% more likely to murder them.

Your though process is misguided - do not expect others to enable your choices with someone who abuses you or anyone else.

BTW, don't do it through paperback FICTION either.


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## Pepper123

*Re: Re: Does anyone still want to be married?*



2galsmom said:


> Pepper I hope you look into why you equate strangling someone with love, educate yourself. Men who strangle women are 33% more likely to murder them.
> 
> Your though process is misguided - do not expect others to enable your choices with someone who abuses you or anyone else.
> 
> BTW, don't do it through paperback FICTION either.


I spent 16 weeks in group therapy through the YWCA, more group therapy after that, and two years in IC. I have the statistics. I understand the process, I've lived through it. I'm more educated on the topic than most. But in the same manner I do not let the abuse define me, it doesn't fully define him either. 

Agree to disagree with trying to fit everyone into the same box.


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## 2galsmom

Well then I disagree pepper. 

Pepper123, your box is all your own! But I am sure your will say you are not in a box at all! You are out of the box, an out of the box thinker. 

I am more concerned with perpetuating the suffering of others by romanticizing "love" between abusers and their partners than putting everyone in the same box. 

There is having the statistics and being able to interpret them. I don't know what you want from us, no one is trying to define you by your abuse. But I stand with Jellybeans and I am not passing out the congratulations! to you, you do sound like a textbook "battered woman" who choses to continue to participate in the cycle of dysfunction. As such the rest of us no matter our personal experience do not "understand" the complexity of your situation, your love perhaps it is deeper, perhaps you love more than we do and have more "empathy" for these poor suffering batterers with their complex childhoods- or perhaps we do understand and it is YOU that do not understand us who do not accept abuse as love.

Your choice Pepper123, love your choker all you want. I advise loving from a distance. He may LOVE you to death.

So again, NO, I do not still want to be married.


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## Pepper123

Wow. 

I'm not looking for congrats of any sort. I got out. I had him legally removed, he can't come near me, custody exchanges take place at the police station, etc. 

I'm not a moron. And for someone that claims to be educated on the topic you should know there is no "typical" battered woman. Do your research.


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## 2galsmom

Good for you, and I am not a moron either and well educated. Are you trying to put me into a box? I myself have been through it, what happened to agreeing to disagree? You didn't anwser my question about why you think choking is done by someone who loves you or why you think you got into that relationship? It was rhetorical question, I knew you would not.

I wish you the best Pepper123.

Your ego was bruised by typical battered woman comment, that was not anyone's intention. I do not speak for Jellybeans but I am sure it was not meant to hurt or insult you. 

I know very well it happens to all women of all ethnicities, nationalities, socio-econominic classes blah blah blah, no, there is no definition.

Or is there? There is Battered Woman's Syndrome and there IS IN FACT commonalities between women who endure battering. Is there not? Yes there is. One of them is their thought process, the thought process that keeps them in an abusive relationship as well as a common list of factors that make them fearful of leaving the relationship.

Perhaps you will chose another relationship that will end the same way, that was my real concern. That and telling other people that abuse and battering is love, really? I have read so much to the contrary!

I prefer to agree to disagree, it must be on our view of "love."


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## Disenchanted

I can easily say that I will never get married again.

I can also easily say that I've been known to do really stupid sh!t because I was in love.

It's easy to say I'll never be in love again, or never trust a woman again. I can say all kinds of crap. 

But when it comes down to it, I have no idea who I might meet in the future (if I ever meet anyone) and what they will inspire in me/us.

I don't see how I could make any marriage work if I couldn't make my first one work though.


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## angelpixie

FTR, I do not apologize for what I've said. I, too, have been in counseling with both a personal therapist and my YWCA. Nowhere in that, or in any of the books or articles I've read, have I heard it taught that someone can strangle someone while loving them. _Maybe_ there's a "Well, they loved the best they knew how, considering (background, job stress, substance abuse, mental illness, whatever)." But it's never a true, healthy love. So, I'm sure I'm not the only one who wonders how even the in-between times could compound a deep love. There is such a thing as Stockholm syndrome in abusive relationships.

It is great that you have legally separated yourself from him, and are doing the things necessary to keep you and your child safe. But, please, for the sake of you in a future relationship, do not ever forget that _every single time_ he hit you, strangled you, etc., even culminating in the death of your unborn child -- he chose to do it. He could have chosen not to. Most men don't do those things to women they love. But he did. Knowing that pure and simple truth about abusers is what makes us worried when you talk about love for him in spite of it all. 

And if you look back at what JB and I wrote, we asked you to get help so that you weren't treated badly again. That was because we are concerned for you. I don't think the self-righteous anger and assumption that you know more than most was called for personally. Best of luck to you.


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## Pepper123

I'm not trying to put anyone in a box. My whole point was that I don't really believe in operating that way. 

I got into the relationship with someone that verbatim said "I could never lay my hands on a woman." I believed that, and was wrapped up in feelings I hadn't experienced before. I was 21yo - very naive -- grew up in a very rural, small town before moving to CA for college. My feelings for my X were hard to let go of when it all started. Admittedly, I was pretty broken at that time. He went to counseling and I wanted to believe that it would stop. Knowing what I know now, I realize how seldom that actually happens. 

I do not think that choking is something that someone that loves you should do. I will never tolerate something like that ever again. It is and can never be a healthy love in that environment. That's why I got out. My position is simply that I can still have love for people that have hurt me.

I've had one relationship since I split with my exH... and I dumped him when I saw he had a temper (yelled at his dog for peeing on the floor), and he also didn't ask my opinion on things that affected us both (and these were small things, like how we spent out time). Essentially he took my voice and independence away, and I hated it because I had fought so hard to get my voice back. 

Where I am now... I'm still in couseling to learn how to trust people at all -- that is where my struggle is.


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## Pepper123

No to all your questions.

I've left my ExH 18 months ago - I waited over a year to date anyone. I realize my attraction to types is an internal issue, I even know what it is... It's another reason I'm still in couseling.


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## 2galsmom

Pepper123 said:


> No to all your questions.
> 
> I've left my ExH 18 months ago - I waited over a year to date anyone. I realize my attraction to types is an internal issue, I even know what it is... It's another reason I'm still in couseling.


Now, just go and humor us and look at the pattern of the "typical" NO! let us not use that word. Instead let us say go and look at the "personal history pattern" of men AND women who find themselves in abusive relationships and see where you fit in. You don't need to discuss it with us. 

These include, children from abusive families, victims of rape and other physical violence, people with low self-esteem yada yada yada and you are on your way! For whatever reason, you participated in the abuse cycle and run the risk of continuing it either as a victim or an abuser! But you can break the cycle!

Abuse is not love. No one deserves it and that means Pepper123 does not deserve it! Maybe there is more than one internal issue! Good luck Pepper123, you are on your way!

On this I shall say no more . . .


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## Jellybeans

Pepper123 said:


> Wow.
> 
> I'm not looking for congrats of any sort. I got out. I had him legally removed, he can't come near me, custody exchanges take place at the police station, etc.
> 
> I'm not a moron. And for someone that claims to be educated on the topic you should know there is no "typical" battered woman. Do your research.


Research? You seem a little upset. 

IMO you do sound like the classic abuse victim. You may disagree but that whole thing about loving feelings when he was abusing you is the "classic" cycle of abuse and relates to how the victim feels.

Nobody here called you a moron. Those were your words. 

No sense in being hostile. Nobody here is meaning to be offensive towards you, just offering you some advice/opinions however if you aren't open to it, then that is fine.


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## Jellybeans

Pepper123 said:


> Your thought process is misguided. I'm removed from my abuse and have dealt with the anger- a secondary emotion to being hurt. *I understand why you still hold so much resentment considering how fresh yours is.*


What are you talking about? Who are you talking about? Telling people their thought process is "misguided" because you simply do not agree with what they are saying is misguided. 



2galsmom said:


> Pepper I hope you look into why you equate strangling someone with love, educate yourself. Men who strangle women are 33% more likely to murder them.
> 
> Your though process is misguided - do not expect others to enable your choices with someone who abuses you or anyone else.


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans

angelpixie said:


> FTR, I do not apologize for what I've said. I, too, have been in counseling with both a personal therapist and my YWCA. Nowhere in that, or in any of the books or articles I've read, have I heard it taught that someone can strangle someone while loving them. _Maybe_ there's a "Well, they loved the best they knew how, considering (background, job stress, substance abuse, mental illness, whatever)." But it's never a true, healthy love. So, I'm sure I'm not the only one who wonders how even the in-between times could compound a deep love. There is such a thing as Stockholm syndrome in abusive relationships.
> 
> And if you look back at what JB and I wrote, we asked you to get help so that you weren't treated badly again. That was because we are concerned for you. I don't think the self-righteous anger and assumption that you know more than most was called for personally. Best of luck to you.


Great post, Angel. :iagree:


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## Jellybeans

Disenchanted said:


> I can easily say that I will never get married again.
> 
> I can also easily say that I've been known to do really stupid sh!t because I was in love.
> 
> It's easy to say I'll never be in love again, or never trust a woman again. I can say all kinds of crap.
> 
> But when it comes down to it, I have no idea who I might meet in the future (if I ever meet anyone) and what they will inspire in me/us.
> 
> I don't see how I could make any marriage work if I couldn't make my first one work though.


I like this post, Disenchanted.


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## 2galsmom

Anybody want to be married after all that brouhaha? :rofl:


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## whitehawk

l always find pretty amazing to notice all the girls do still want at least a new relationship and more so wanna get remarried.
Although quite a few round here say they don't wanna remarry l know. Even if they were left they still seem to usually do, it surprises me that so many here say no .
Strange though because in so many cases women just destroyed the marriage they had to go screwing round yet whever l'm around any , they're looking and not too happy.
But another thing that surprises is even if they were hurt , they still wanna . Yet a lot of guys are much more why botherish if it blew up in our face once already.Mind you , most of us lose our kids , our house and 20yrs of work too , that stuff really makes you think why bother then !

So if they're so marry marry , the same as they are in their 20's , then why are 75% of divorces by women now . Ya can't say oh that's abuse or something because there's no way more guys eff up than girls that's why there's such a high proportion of guys here .
lt's all a crazy business to me , l'm in the not very likely again bracket myself but hey , anything can happen so who knows.


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## angelpixie

Lots of assumptions in that post that aren't backed up by stats, 'Hawk, but it would take sooo long to refute them all, lol. 

Just looking at TAM, I can name so many women who were left by their WH, who ended up filing because the Ex simply wouldn't. Kept the womens' lives in limbo with kids, expenses, etc., while they were screwing their OW. The women had no choice but to file so their lives could move forward. So, not just abuse, though that does account for a significant number, but also the type of cheating spouse I mention above, and then just plain unhappy or walkaway women (I don't deny that they exist or assert that women can do no wrong).

As for numbers of women vs. men who want to remarry, I don't know about 'most' for either gender. There are many women who have no desire to remarry, especially if they don't want any more kids. Unfortunately, many women coming out of abusive relationships who DO want to marry again still think their lives will get better by just finding the 'right' man --- and if they haven't worked on that mindset, they're going to find the 'wrong' man, again. I wonder how many of the 2nd, 3rd, etc., marriages that fail are the same people repeating patterns. There's still a lot of really crappy programming in society reinforcing unhealthy views of love and relationships, and a lot of it is aimed at women. 

I think TAM is different because people are here in the first place because they have a basic level desire to look at their relationship, current or past. Many of the people here do a lot of work on themselves after a break-up. I don't know that that's true in the general public. Consider how many of us on here go to IC, read self-help books, take up new habits like meditation, learn new behaviors, etc., and our exes don't do anything of the kind. In many break-ups for people in the general population, it could be that neither partner do any post break-up work. And they just keep getting into bad relationship after bad relationship. It could be that people here say different things because we are 'different' from the general population to begin with. Just a theory on my part.


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## Pbartender

angelpixie said:


> Just looking at TAM, I can name so many women who were left by their WH, who ended up filing because the Ex simply wouldn't. Kept the womens' lives in limbo with kids, expenses, etc., while they were screwing their OW. The women had no choice but to file so their lives could move forward...
> 
> ...Unfortunately, many women coming out of abusive relationships who DO want to marry again still think their lives will get better by just finding the 'right' man --- and if they haven't worked on that mindset, they're going to find the 'wrong' man, again. I wonder how many of the 2nd, 3rd, etc., marriages that fail are the same people repeating patterns. There's still a lot of really crappy programming in society reinforcing unhealthy views of love and relationships, and a lot of it is aimed at women...


:iagree:

And none of that crap is exclusive to either gender. Men and women may have generally different _styles_ of doing, but there's plenty of it going around on both sides of the fence.


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## 2galsmom

angelpixie said:


> Lots of assumptions in that post that aren't backed up by stats, 'Hawk, but it would take sooo long to refute them all, lol.
> 
> Just looking at TAM, I can name so many women who were left by their WH, who ended up filing because the Ex simply wouldn't. Kept the womens' lives in limbo with kids, expenses, etc., while they were screwing their OW. The women had no choice but to file so their lives could move forward. So, not just abuse, though that does account for a significant number, but also the type of cheating spouse I mention above, and then just plain unhappy or walkaway women (I don't deny that they exist or assert that women can do no wrong).
> 
> As for numbers of women vs. men who want to remarry, I don't know about 'most' for either gender. There are many women who have no desire to remarry, especially if they don't want any more kids. Unfortunately, many women coming out of abusive relationships who DO want to marry again still think their lives will get better by just finding the 'right' man --- and if they haven't worked on that mindset, they're going to find the 'wrong' man, again. I wonder how many of the 2nd, 3rd, etc., marriages that fail are the same people repeating patterns. *There's still a lot of really crappy programming in society reinforcing unhealthy views of love and relationships, and a lot of it is aimed at women. *
> 
> I think TAM is different because people are here in the first place because they have a basic level desire to look at their relationship, current or past. Many of the people here do a lot of work on themselves after a break-up. I don't know that that's true in the general public. Consider how many of us on here go to IC, read self-help books, take up new habits like meditation, learn new behaviors, etc., and our exes don't do anything of the kind. In many break-ups for people in the general population, it could be that neither partner do any post break-up work. And they just keep getting into bad relationship after bad relationship. It could be that people here say different things because we are 'different' from the general population to begin with. Just a theory on my part.


ICAM, This is why I said to Pepper123 not to let FICTION influence her. There is a horrible trend now to idealize abusers in pulp fiction. Not that there has ever been a trend of health in pulp fiction LOL but it really warps you. People say oh it is fiction, I don't take it seriously but it permeates your values and your way of thinking.


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## Nsweet

I would love to be married again. But then again, I never really got to experience a good marriage for long enough to get sick of it. I miss that sense of pride when looking at my wedding ring and holding up my end of the marriage. I even miss the stress and bad times with a wife, because they made the good times so much better.

I just don't want to get married again until I'm out of my 20's and I don't want to feel like I have to marry a woman to keep a good one from getting away or because of kids. If I'm going to marry again it will be because I've seen both sides of her and I can take the good with the bad and I choose her out of all other women.


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## 2galsmom

You are so young Nsweet, you will find someone and I hope it works out this time for you forever.


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## Hardtohandle

I loved the woman she was.. I love her for who she was. 

I have no transference issues and don't blame the GF for my Ex wife shortcoming and issues.

I honestly enjoy being with a woman. Cuddling, hanging out on the couch, laughing, making love at 3 am because we can. If there is anything I miss the most, I would say it would be the those types of 3AM or early morning spur of the moment love making sessions. Where you wake up to go to the bathroom and then jump back in bed and look over at the beauty of the woman you have next to you. The curve of body where her waist meets her hips. Its just too hot...

I would remarry if my finances were protected. I walked away with divorce gold and I don't plan on risking my home, pension and other income again. I've worked too hard for my kids to just give it away to someone.


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## WasDecimated

At this point I doubt it. 

I really loved being married…I really did. I loved the idea of having that one special person in my life and looked forward to raising our children and growing old together. I have only loved and married two women in my life…I've been betrayed by both. The first time was hard but we had no children. After that ended, I was very selective about who I dated…constantly on the lookout for red flags. After 5 years I thought I had found the one. When she betrayed me 15 years later, it nearly destroyed me. It was even more devastating this time because we had children.

I don’t see any purpose in marriage for me anymore. The emotional and financial devastation is just not worth the risk and because I am finished having children…it seems pointless. I was dating for a while but I have since stopped doing that. The women my age that I have encountered all seem to have made a mess out of their lives. Whether it was through bad choices, lack of honesty/integrity, selfishness or just plain laziness, have left a trail of destruction behind them. They seem to be looking for someone to fix what they have broken and smooth everything over. I will never again be a knight in shining armor and rescue anyone. I also now realize that people can and do change. You may think you know someone now but they are capable of becoming someone else. 

Also, I believe that the most important and profound relationship in life should be with the mother of my children…not the mother of someone else’s children. I seem to attach a special significance to that but my XWW has destroyed it. I fear that any relationship I have in the future will only be a footnote in someone else’s life…or my own life. I’ve been emotionally beaten down too much by this to be anyone’s footnote. If I can’t be the most important part of their life…then I’m just not interested.

I apologize for sounding pessimistic but lately this is how I have been feeling. Maybe I’m just not ready to emotionally risk it all again. Obviously, I do have some trust issues I need to get past. Because of what I've been through, my standards are so high that I doubt anyone could ever meet them. I’m afraid that anyone short of an absolute saint could not get me to open up again.

I pray this changes. It's lonely being alone.


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## Disenchanted

Totally agree with you Decimated.

I wish I could still believe in the "happily ever after" fairy tale but I just can't. I've been disenchanted about that. It's an illusion and it doesn't happen and people suck.

I really still like the idea of the fairy tale, but now I know it's only a fairy tale.


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## Hoosier

I will be married again, when the #1 Sniper from Seal Team #6 misses. As I have them on retainer with instructions to take me out if I EVER start down the aisle again.


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## Jellybeans

Hoosier said:


> I will be married again, when the #1 Sniper from Seal Team #6 misses. As I have them on retainer with instructions to take me out if I EVER start down the aisle again.


:rofl::rofl: Awesome!!


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## badcompany

2galsmom said:


> Anybody want to be married after all that brouhaha? :rofl:


Heck no. 
Edit: I believe that the legalities and risk involved make legal marriage un-attractive these days. I'd do whatever I needed to, to make the right future partner secure that we're an item but I wouldn't want to officially tie the knot again.


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## philglossop

Marry or enter a Civil Partnership again?

Heck no. Whilst I accept I'm still extremely raw, I just cannot see myself heading anywhere but singledom for the long run. It's not a place I want to be in and nor where did I ever think I'd end up- but it's a simple fact that I'm not prepared to go through that again.


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## whitehawk

angelpixie said:


> Lots of assumptions in that post that aren't backed up by stats, 'Hawk, but it would take sooo long to refute them all, lol.
> 
> Just looking at TAM, I can name so many women who were left by their WH, who ended up filing because the Ex simply wouldn't. Kept the womens' lives in limbo with kids, expenses, etc., while they were screwing their OW. The women had no choice but to file so their lives could move forward. So, not just abuse, though that does account for a significant number, but also the type of cheating spouse I mention above, and then just plain unhappy or walkaway women (I don't deny that they exist or assert that women can do no wrong).
> 
> As for numbers of women vs. men who want to remarry, I don't know about 'most' for either gender. There are many women who have no desire to remarry, especially if they don't want any more kids. Unfortunately, many women coming out of abusive relationships who DO want to marry again still think their lives will get better by just finding the 'right' man --- and if they haven't worked on that mindset, they're going to find the 'wrong' man, again. I wonder how many of the 2nd, 3rd, etc., marriages that fail are the same people repeating patterns. There's still a lot of really crappy programming in society reinforcing unhealthy views of love and relationships, and a lot of it is aimed at women.
> 
> I think TAM is different because people are here in the first place because they have a basic level desire to look at their relationship, current or past. Many of the people here do a lot of work on themselves after a break-up. I don't know that that's true in the general public. Consider how many of us on here go to IC, read self-help books, take up new habits like meditation, learn new behaviors, etc., and our exes don't do anything of the kind. In many break-ups for people in the general population, it could be that neither partner do any post break-up work. And they just keep getting into bad relationship after bad relationship. It could be that people here say different things because we are 'different' from the general population to begin with. Just a theory on my part.



Yeah l know Angel , l'm more confused than ever truth be know :rofl:.
Just sayin really of how it appears to me so far , doesn't mean that's so though l know or that what l see so far even makes any sense.

Me , l dunno if l ever will , l think though l would just like to be married so to speak though. X reckons she never will , l reckon she will though !


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## whitehawk

Nsweet said:


> I would love to be married again. But then again, I never really got to experience a good marriage for long enough to get sick of it. I miss that sense of pride when looking at my wedding ring and holding up my end of the marriage. I even miss the stress and bad times with a wife, because they made the good times so much better.
> 
> I just don't want to get married again until I'm out of my 20's and I don't want to feel like I have to marry a woman to keep a good one from getting away or because of kids. If I'm going to marry again it will be because I've seen both sides of her and I can take the good with the bad and I choose her out of all other women.



Are you only in your 20s NS , hell then man enjoy yourself for as long as you damnwell like l say. Who knows what life holds in store for you but the rest will take care of itself .


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## whitehawk

Disenchanted said:


> Totally agree with you Decimated.
> 
> I wish I could still believe in the "happily ever after" fairy tale but I just can't. I've been disenchanted about that. It's an illusion and it doesn't happen and people suck.
> 
> I really still like the idea of the fairy tale, but now I know it's only a fairy tale.



Pretty well sums up my feelings on the sitch to D . Sad but true.
And the worst part is, if my x could do this rather than stand and fight then anyone could so , there's no one left really .


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## Disenchanted

whitehawk said:


> Pretty well sums up my feelings on the sitch to D . Sad but true.
> And the worst part is, if my x could do this rather than stand and fight then anyone could so , there's no one left really .


yup


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## arbitrator

*After marriages to (a) a bi-polar and (b) a rich, conniving, cheating skank, I'd probably have due justification to stay away from matrimony again forever. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm the failure and not them!

While I was raised by virtue of my Southern roots to primarily adhere to the Christian principle of marriage, in clear conscience, I really just don't know.

Whereas I miss the companionship, the "trust" issues that are running through my head and heart just make me want to say "No!"*


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## whitehawk

arbitrator said:


> *After marriages to (a) a bi-polar and (b) a rich, conniving, cheating skank, I'd probably have due justification to stay away from matrimony again forever. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm the failure and not them!
> 
> While I was raised by virtue of my Southern roots to primarily adhere to the Christian principle of marriage, in clear conscience, I really just don't know.
> 
> Whereas I miss the companionship, the "trust" issues that are running through my head and heart just make me want to say "No!"*



lt is so confusing , l feel so lost on all ideals l grew up with and have carried with me since. lt's as if they're blown clean out of the sky .
Yet truth is l did massively mess up, l knew that , but it wasn't too late. Things were easily savable and they should've been , we should be growing old together .

And so from that angle l've learnt that it wasn't in mt control , l couldn't stop it now so how could l if there was a next time and that , scares the living hell out of me .

Yet for me personally over this 12 mths , l've discovered l hate life alone . Seems some round here like it but l don't at all and do really miss having someone to share it with.
So l don't know where that leaves me in all this . l feel marriage these days is just a crock to most and if it's not when you meet that means nothing in 5,10,15, hell 30 yrs these days so what do we do ?

PS lf l could meet someone where there was some way to know , she would fight, she'd never quit , then l'd remarry .


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## minimalME

Would I like to get married again? Yes.


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## Jellybeans

I am scared to get married again.

That scary feeling comes from the fact that I know that there is absolutely nothing in this world that guarantees it would actually last. One divorce was enough pain.


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## Disenchanted

I would totally get married again.

To myself.


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## Pbartender

6 Reasons Never To Get Married


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## Disenchanted

I'm a fool in love. And I really like girls. Who the hell knows what will happen someday. I'm a total romantic.


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## Disenchanted

Oh there will be flogging


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## worrieddad

I'll have to go with the vast majority on this - can't ever see myself getting married again. A lot of what others has written rings so true for me - unwanted divorce, complete destruction of the values you were brought up with and so on.

Despite it not being wanted, I had just about the most amicable and 'fair' divorce one could have - but from reading on this site and elsewhere I can see that is very unusual, and I will always hold a candle for people not only having to go through the emotional turmoil but financial too.

The whole sorry process really caused me to take a long hard look at the whole sorry state of affairs of our modern society and values, to the point where I now see marriage as almost completely pointless - especially when one doesn't want any more children. At the point I'm at (2 years since the whole "I want a divorce" speech and nearly one year since final), I can now just about entertain the idea of getting into a relationship of some sort - and even then, I can't at this point see how any future relationship will ever be the same as the first go-around and having an intact family - and there will be a line sand as far as getting married is concerned.


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## motherofone

I honestly don't feel one way or another. I guess we will see what comes down the pipeline.


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## LaQueso

I didnt want to get married, he talked me into it and since he had joined the military, marrying was a lot easier than dealing with red tape. Then he lost his mind and I'm back at square one.
Right now, I'm too bitter so I dont see any reason to get married again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

Jellybeans said:


> I am scared to get married again.
> 
> That scary feeling comes from the fact that I know that there is absolutely nothing in this world that guarantees it would actually last. One divorce was enough pain.



Same here JB, scared [email protected]


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## Dollystanford

A year ago I'd have said no

But I got over that one so what's to be scared of? If the right man came along then yeah why not


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## EnjoliWoman

Dollystanford said:


> A year ago I'd have said no
> 
> But I got over that one so what's to be scared of? If the right man came along then yeah why not


Soo...??? Haven't seen much of you lately.


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## Disenchanted

She's been "busy".


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## Jellybeans

Reconnected with an old college friend on social media. Had not talked to him in years. He told me is now going through his second divorce. He's 32 or 33. 

Marriage -- ain't love grand? 

Reading/finding out shlt like that just makes me not believe.

Serves as a deterrent.


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## LostOneForGood

I would rather be beaten with a ball bat, shot with a bazooka, :BoomSmilie_anim:dragged behind a truck for 1000 miles, dropped out of a plane with no chute and be robbed daily rather than go through this insane process again...

To me, it has become a "License to Steal"":rules:

Just my two cents (considering that is what I was left with, lol!!)


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## Jellybeans

LostOneForGood said:


> I would rather be beaten with a ball bat, shot with a bazooka, :BoomSmilie_anim:dragged behind a truck for 1000 miles, dropped out of a plane with no chute and be robbed daily rather than go through this insane process again...
> 
> To me, it has become a "License to Steal"":rules:
> 
> Just my two cents (considering that is what I was left with, lol!!)


LOL.

But tell us how you REALLY feel? 

Sorry to hear your divorce sucked (settlement-wise). My husband got nearly everything in the divorce. He got the house and I kept the furniture. Seriously. But that was a small price to pay for FREEDOM, baby. Lol.

He actually stipulated in our divorce papers that I could keep my own car, you know the one I paid for on my own, that he didn't even help me look for the day I went shopping for a new one. 

_"Ms. Jelly can keep her own car."_

Um, thank you? I guess? LOL.


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## Jellybeans

This thread is fun

*Does anyone still want to be married?*

Nope.


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## arbitrator

*My heart says "Yes". My common sense says "No!"*


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## Jellybeans

So true, arb!


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## rebuilding72

I liked being married, just not to the man I was married to. People ask me if I would ever get married again my response is "yes if I find my soulmate". But right now I'm glad I'm not married!!!! Whoo Hoot!!


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## tug

Im 54 years old and am trying to get over broken heart and I say NO! For the first time in my life I made a total commitment to someone and was burned badly. I never want to go through this again.


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## Garry2012

It thought for sure i would be a H3ll no...and never trust again. But, I have found that, so far, I dont hold the sins of my X against anyone else.I am more cautious...however and would probably trigger if the same crap starts happening. I would love to be married again. I enjoy the bond, and the day to day sharing of life. Plus, maybe i wont talk to myself so much haha.


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