# Husband -red flags



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Today while we were grocery shopping, my husband accusing me of checking out 2 men. I told him that I did not check any men out and he said that he doesn't believe me. 

I did not check any men out. 

When I asked him what 2 men, he couldn't/didn't tell me. He also said that I "left at the same time" as one of these men after my husband insulted me by saying something about giving me the money to pay and that he would go out and wait for us. So then that would leave me putting all the groceries up, bagging them and taking care of both of the kids. 
This is not the first time he has accused me of checking a man out, he did it a few years ago when we went to Ponderosa. I didn't check any man out there either. 

He also accused me of only coming back into the store when he sent my daughter out to get me, which is also untrue, I was already coming back into the store to see if he was ready to get groceries and to see if he figured out why it was insulting to me. 


I am really getting concerned about this. 


A few weeks ago, we were at Taco Bell and the lady that took the order from us, actually flirted with my husband, right in front of me. I had just got out of the hospital and we stopped and got something to eat at my request. When I asked him about it, he smirked and I flipped out. 


This is not the first time I have seen red flags from him. A few years ago, he had a crush on a woman at work (while I was pregnant with his child, which I then miscarried) for three months. At first, he told me he did not talk to her, then the truth started trickling out about how he did talk to her, but it was only "about work". The woman still works where he works. He told me that he was attracted to her because she reminded him of me. 

I have also caught my husband signing up for adult websites, dating websites and watching women masturbate online (via porn videos). Although, night after night after night, I went to bed alone, he would stay up all night either playing his video games or watching porn. 

He is also a frequent reader of the polyamory section of reddit. This alone is something that I do not understand considering he isn't polyamorus. (that I know of I guess) He also joined the doccool website but then claimed he just did it to get peoples opinions. 

Should I be alarmed that this is blame shifting and he is doing this because he is feeling guilty about something? I have never cheated on him and I would not cheat on him, but it seems lately, he has become obsessed with talking about cheating.

Oh, and since we got home, he moved his computer screen so that I could not see what he was doing because he needed "privacy".


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, you should be alarmed. And probably putting some boundaries in place and planning your exit, to tell the truth.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Yes, you should be alarmed. And probably putting some boundaries in place and planning your exit, to tell the truth.


Thanks Kathy, I appreciate your candor.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes. Seriously alarmed.


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## aussiechick (Jul 1, 2012)

I think I just responded to his post.

Communicate more with each other... Calmly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He needed privacy because he was writing a thread in here!

Check it out! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/51308-wife-checking-out-guys.html

Are ya'll the same person? Or just a coincidence that he's on here too...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

This is so the same person messing with everyone on here...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I know. lol.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Those flags are not just red, they are fluorescent with visibility about 5 miles in each way.

I have often heard that if a spouse is constantly complaining that you are checking someone out, and you are not, it could mean HE is the one doing the checking and trying to turn over what must be sh!t for brains at you.

If he doesn't stop soon, he will push you away. He will refuse to discuss this, it sounds like only he is right. And grownups getting mad when our spouse notices someone of the opposite sex is so 10th grade!


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

DayDream said:


> This is so the same person messing with everyone on here...


No, it isn't. My husband is sitting on the other side of the room.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Did he post that other thread? I linked it in here...


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> He needed privacy because he was writing a thread in here!
> 
> Check it out! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/51308-wife-checking-out-guys.html
> 
> Are ya'll the same person? Or just a coincidence that he's on here too...


What happened originally is that he posted on here and then showed me his thread. Then he told me I should post on here to get answers for myself so I did.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Did he post that other thread? I linked it in here...


Yes, he did. We talked this through and got some understanding on it at least.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> Those flags are not just red, they are fluorescent with visibility about 5 miles in each way.
> 
> *I have often heard that if a spouse is constantly complaining that you are checking someone out, and you are not, it could mean HE is the one doing the checking and trying to turn over what must be sh!t for brains at you.*
> 
> If he doesn't stop soon, he will push you away. He will refuse to discuss this, it sounds like only he is right. And grownups getting mad when our spouse notices someone of the opposite sex is so 10th grade!


This is what I told him. 

He told me a few weeks ago that he is a man and he is attracted to other women. How would he know UNLESS he checked them out?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Checking people out isn't the issue. We're all human, we notice people...it's the oogling and the mentioning of said people to our mates that is rude.

So, were you checking out these guys? Or did your husband overreact? Maybe he checks out a lot of women (doesn't mean he's cheating) and feels guilty so he noticed when you did?


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Checking people out isn't the issue. We're all human, we notice people...it's the oogling and the mentioning of said people to our mates that is rude.
> 
> So, were you checking out these guys? Or did your husband overreact? Maybe he checks out a lot of women (doesn't mean he's cheating) and feels guilty so he noticed when you did?


No, I wasn't checking any men out. This is what was going through my head...

Yesterday, he asked me if, instead of him stopping and getting the groceries on the way home from work, we could go out and get them together. I said that would be great because I need to get some exercise but I dont feel good enough to be walking around the whole store with both of the kids by myself because some times I get lightheaded and have lots of pain. So when we get to the grocery store, he asked if he could drop me off there and he would take the kids to get brake pads and come back and get me. I was thinking WHY would he do this knowing that I do not feel good enough to go by myself?

So we get into the store and I feel like I am chasing and waiting on him, and it looked to me as if he wasn't wanting to be seen with me because he wasn't walking with us, he kept moving away from us. Around the last bin, I stood there and waited on him, I didn't move until an elderly lady was needing to get through, he never comes by me...

I go in to the check out lane and remember I needed to get chips for the dip I got, so I tell them I need to get it and go, on my way back, I notice my husband is in the bakery isle, so I stand there again and wait. Instead of coming, he stands there and asks me what I want. I tell him that I am waiting on him, he asks why and I explain to him that he has the money and I cannot check out without it. So he proceeds to say he will give me the money and I can go and check out. 

I am thinking why is he wanting to give me the money, again, knowing that I am feeling bad, to have to go unload all of the groceries, pay for them and sack them, is he trying to dump me?

SO, by this time, I am pissed off. I am thinking, I am not going to let him stick me with this again, he can do it himself, so instead of fighting, I just walk out the door. 

I start to go out to the parking lot and stand there a minute and catch my breath. I thought, I am over reacting, I go back in, and my daughter meets me at the door. Instead of paying for the groceries, he leaves them there, the kids are screaming, and I go back out to the car, he takes off walking and leaves me with the kids. It was horrible.


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