# Stubborn



## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

Why is it so hard to apologize. Does anybody else do this. My husband and I are so stubborn. Whenever we get into an argument it takes day before one of us will give in and apologize. Is it only us or do any of you have the same problem?


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

I think it's the ego thing, you know, "I'm better than you so I'm not apologizing even if I was wrong."

We have that sometimes in our marriage but most the time husband apologizes. But, most the time, it is his fault. LOL...funny I think.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my H has a really hard time apologizing. i have a hard time apologizing on some things but not on others. i think a lot of it is if you feel the other spouse is also at fault and that your admission of fault lets them off the hook. if you apologize and they dont some how that is bothersome. I only apologize if i actually feel sorry and if i expect nothing in return from the other person. If i feel there would be any resentment on my part for apologizing, then i dont do it. My H is a lot better at apologizing now. i taught him a little trick that when you apologize you're not taking accountability for how that person feels, as if you caused that emotion, you are empathizing with them. i think it makes it easier for him to apologize. He feels bad that i feel that way but does not feel responsible for my emotions.


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

moonangel said:


> But, most the time, it is his fault. LOL...funny I think.


Isn't it always...J/K!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I used to. Eventually I learned that admitting my faults brought a sense of freedom. I actually enjoy sitting back and thinking about how I could have made bad situations better.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I have no problem apologizing when I'm wrong. I'm just never wrong.


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## zohaib (Dec 24, 2010)

it is one of the very common problem of all the couples..coz theey think that their ego will be hurt if they will apologize first..
but the fact is that some one either u or ur husband will have to do it firstly..

Never ever think for the Ego if you have feel your mistake


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Blanca said:


> my H has a really hard time apologizing. i have a hard time apologizing on some things but not on others. i think a lot of it is if you feel the other spouse is also at fault and that your admission of fault lets them off the hook. if you apologize and they dont some how that is bothersome. I only apologize if i actually feel sorry and if i expect nothing in return from the other person. If i feel there would be any resentment on my part for apologizing, then i dont do it. My H is a lot better at apologizing now. i taught him a little trick that when you apologize you're not taking accountability for how that person feels, as if you caused that emotion, you are empathizing with them. i think it makes it easier for him to apologize. He feels bad that i feel that way but does not feel responsible for my emotions.


This is very familiar to me and despite being empathetic about many things, my OH takes exception to (or used to, he says he know pretty much puts up with it) when I apologise saying 'I'm sorry if you feel like that' which is sometimes the most I can bring myself to say
If I'm sorry his feeling bad as a result of something I've said or done is causing our relationship strain I feel I should apologise that my behaviour has caused it but then again if I don't think my behaviour was actually 'wrong' in any way, I struggle - from earlier posts maybe this is less rare & 'awful' of me than I had thought


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## Sucker (Jan 3, 2010)

"Don't let the sun set on your anger." - an adage I heard a long time ago, and one that seems to usually work with my very hard-headed, stubborn Filipina wife.
Life is too short to stay angry with the one you love and live with.

Even when you are 100% totally in the right, extend the hand of compassion - and keep your cool, because if he's as stubborn as you are, he'll probably reject/ignore you initially.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Sucker said:


> "Don't let the sun set on your anger." - an adage I heard a long time ago, and one that seems to usually work with my very hard-headed, stubborn Filipina wife.
> Life is too short to stay angry with the one you love and live with.
> 
> Even when you are 100% totally in the right, extend the hand of compassion - and keep your cool, because if he's as stubborn as you are, he'll probably reject/ignore you initially.


Am I alone in finding it SOOOO hard to get to grips with the 'life's too short to stay angry with.....' bit? I know, I know, would you rather be right or be happy? etc etc please someone explain how you just accept and learn to live with disagreement?? Apologising isn't easy, but even when you can just about do it it can prove nigh on impossible because you think you shouldn't be at odds in the first place ?¿


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I agree that it's even harder when you're mad that you're at odds in the first place, like madimoff said.
I've found that if I just let something go in the moment and wait...then later it doesn't bug me so much.
That's something I need to work on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

FCHAVEZ said:


> Why is it so hard to apologize. Does anybody else do this. My husband and I are so stubborn. Whenever we get into an argument it takes day before one of us will give in and apologize. Is it only us or do any of you have the same problem?


I am stubborn when it comes to this because my wife has honest issues. I will not contact her in any way when she has been in the wrong. I will not call or text her while I'm in the healing process. In the eight years of marriage I can say that she has never gotten any grief from me. On the other hand, I have put up with a lot of crap and I hold my boundaries until she apologizes. I am as honest and sincere as they come and wished my other half was the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

madimoff said:


> how you just accept and learn to live with disagreement?? Apologising isn't easy, but even when you can just about do it it can prove nigh on impossible because you think you shouldn't be at odds in the first place ?¿


Living with disagreement is not hard if there's no underlining emotional inference. my H and i disagree all the time now because there's less emotional drama wrapped up in the disagreement. 

many dramatic disagreements stem not from the source of argument but from everything that isnt being said. there is so much fear beneath the surface on both sides that no one is really arguing about what they are saying. there's a looming, unsaid umbrella proposition of 'if he/she loved me then they wouldnt do this.' Its really a "If he/she loved me then..." disagreement and not a disagreement about whatever is really being talked about. Usually the proposition ends with "if the spouse loves me then they will do what i want" and when the spouse does not do what they want, its a confirmation that the spouse does not love them. the unsettling, intense feelings from disagreements stems from feeling rejected when the unsaid confirmation of withdrawal of love is confirmed. Its usually a feeling of utter rejection that makes disagreements difficult. 

The decline in dramatic disagreements comes about when that looming "if-then" proposition is confronted, challenged, and eventually tossed out. its not necessary to get an apology anymore because the objective becomes one of understanding and less of wading off insecurity.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

When the spouse doesn't agree with us, we can't say because he/she doesn't love us.
Sometimes disagreement has nothing to do with love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Living with disagreement is not hard if there's no underlining emotional inference. my H and i disagree all the time now because there's less emotional drama wrapped up in the disagreement.
> 
> many dramatic disagreements stem not from the source of argument but from everything that isnt being said. there is so much fear beneath the surface on both sides that no one is really arguing about what they are saying. there's a looming, unsaid umbrella proposition of 'if he/she loved me then they wouldnt do this.' Its really a "If he/she loved me then..." disagreement and not a disagreement about whatever is really being talked about. Usually the proposition ends with "if the spouse loves me then they will do what i want" and when the spouse does not do what they want, its a confirmation that the spouse does not love them. the unsettling, intense feelings from disagreements stems from feeling rejected when the unsaid confirmation of withdrawal of love is confirmed. Its usually a feeling of utter rejection that makes disagreements difficult.
> 
> The decline in dramatic disagreements comes about when that looming "if-then" proposition is confronted, challenged, and eventually tossed out. its not necessary to get an apology anymore because the objective becomes one of understanding and less of wading off insecurity.


Thanks, lots to think about & no time to think at the moment but I'll come back to it! (initial thoughts, as you might expect, are yes it sounds good but how to change the pattern???) 



MsLonely said:


> When the spouse doesn't agree with us, we can't say because he/she doesn't love us.
> Sometimes disagreement has nothing to do with love.


Ditto thoughts as above.... it's this last bit I need help (from him too) to learn.


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