# For the detail oriented....



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

...would you watch video footage of your spouse with the affair partner? Obviously some people dont want to know anything at all and they would say no. Some people like me want to know every last little thing about what happened. I think I probably would watch it.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....obviously, the video would leave no doubt or questions regarding the WS's truthfulness, because pictures don't lie. Of course .....the mind movies that'd occur after witnessing said video would be like watching the most horrifying movie you can imagine in HD ...instead of through the mind's Vaseline smeared lense ...like a Penthouse mag photo-shoot.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Jadiel said:


> ...would you watch video footage of your spouse with the affair partner? Obviously some people dont want to know anything at all and they would say no. Some people like me want to know every last little thing about what happened. I think I probably would watch it.


I won't. Listening to the VAR was bad enough. Watching them in a video is the surest way for me to end up with a lethal injection.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> ...would you watch video footage of your spouse with the affair partner? Obviously some people dont want to know anything at all and they would say no. Some people like me want to know every last little thing about what happened. I think I probably would watch it.



if i was preparing to D and not wanting to back down, maybe. 

in R, no fkin way.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Eff no.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This is what happened to morituri. He didn't want to watch it, but came upon the video accidentally on his wife's computer. They're divorced now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*One time only for me! Then I'd instruct my attorney to make many duplicate copies, and to inform the other side of it's existence and to insure that it would be made admissible as evidence in court.

After that, use it as a bargaining tool to get what I wanted in court.

As for the extra copies? To pass out to her family members and friends for them to see exactly what a fine upstanding moral Christian woman that she had self purported herself to be! They could just mix them in with all of her other home movies!*


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Wouldn't want to. Would try not to. Would not succeed. I'm afraid if I would have come across some video (or pictures) I would have watched. Would it gave made a difference? Probably. If I came across one now would I watch? Yeah, once again I probably would. Would it make a difference now? Probably not, unless it proved my ww lied to me in some way during her confession. Don't see how tough, considering she confessed to just about everything possible.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

WhiteRaven said:


> I won't. Listening to the VAR was bad enough. Watching them in a video is the surest way for me to end up with a lethal injection.


Only if you get caught.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> Only if you get caught.


:iagree:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This is really a difficult question. It would be easy to make a glib response.

I assume you mean a sex tape of the two of them. If it were just a tape of them having dinner at a restaurant, yes I would watch it for sure. If it were a sex tape, I think probably I would end up watching it but it may not be the most productive choice!

Curing R, there is merit to the idea of gaining assurance that the WS told the truth, with the possibility of then proving the WS is still lying. Either way it is useful. On the other hand, would the real movies become impossible to overcome? Mind movies are imagined and can become obsolete when trust is regained. But real images never become obsolete.

My current philosophy is zero tolerance to a PA. If it happened and there were a video tape of it, I would D for sure. Would the video help cement the D in my mind as the correct choice? Would the video help me disconnect more quickly? Or would it become a memory which tortures me periodically.

Curiosity would likely get the best of me and I'd watch it. I would probably regret it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> ...would you watch video footage of your spouse with the affair partner? Obviously some people dont want to know anything at all and they would say no. Some people like me want to know every last little thing about what happened. I think I probably would watch it.


No. I wanted no details at all. Just knowing I'd been cheated on was more than enough for me, to be honest.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Personally, no.

Hell no.

Why anyone would want to see that is beyond me. 

Knowing is torture enough.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

If I knew it existed, I would need to see it to justify my decision to D. Maybe that is sick, I dunno... but I am so bad at holding grudges and staying angry, that I think I might need it in order to force and stick with my decision.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

yes, I would. I think it is all too easy to hear the word "cheating" or "affair" from your spouse and not fully register what that means. The hurt is still there, the panic, everything... but I think it could be easier for the cheating spouse to convince you that things are not as bad as they seem or will be alright. Seeing the video for me would be undeniable about what happened and give me the courage to leave. "Actions speak louder than words" could loosely fit here.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> If I knew it existed, I would need to see it to justify my decision to D. Maybe that is sick, I dunno... but I am so bad at holding grudges and staying angry, that I think I might need it in order to force and stick with my decision.


*Agreed, Pepper! Like you, I'd want some tangible evidence in my hand/file that I could always put my hands on to justify my ultimate decision to kick her to the curb!

And truth be known, I wouldn't have to watch very much of it at all!
All that one has to imagine is a just an oversized, fat leering walrus having his way with her! I would think that's quite sickening enough!

Now all of the videotapes/pics of the gargantuan wedding that we had, those have already been totally destroyed! Or at least my own personal copies of them have been!*


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: For the detail oriented....*



Jellybeans said:


> Personally, no.
> 
> Hell no.
> 
> ...


.....knowing 'something' happened ...yet not knowing 'what' happened is the tortuous component. It rivals the legendary "Chinese Water Torture" ....or bamboo under the finger nails.

.....if you could be told what occurred ...from the offending spouse ...with appropriately applied remorse, regret, sadness and empathy ....it MAY be enough to start on a path of reconciliation ( if you so chose to do so ) ...IMHO


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> ...would you watch video footage of your spouse with the affair partner? Obviously some people dont want to know anything at all and they would say no. Some people like me want to know every last little thing about what happened. I think I probably would watch it.


It's a valid question.
I don't know about anyone else, but I almost always imagined and mind-movied my wife's liaisons with her OM#1 as 'porn-movie-esque'.
Main reasons were the fact that she confirmed to me he was bigger than I was and also I found '50 Shades of Gray' sex-toys at our house.

But because we were separated, I would spend nights during the weekends at our marital home, while she was at his...and all-sorts of stuff entered my head. I don't feel any shame or embarrassment about that.
But at the end of the day: I'm human. I have a sex-drive. I have an imagination. I can't fight that.



BTW, this OP's thread question borders close to the whole 'Cuckolding' phenomenon.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I would, but only to make sure that there was going to be an ever lasting hatred and to kill every single grain of love I felt.

I have been struggling with R for long enough now and things are better than ever, but I am still held back by not being able to trust her, I can't be with her every minute of every day and I can't over look every interaction with other people so there in lies the problem, by seeing a video it shows that not only was she involved but she was enjoying it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Well, it depends if you are the type who can bury his head in the sand. If not, you'll eventually watch it.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

aug said:


> Well, it depends if you are the type who can bury his head in the sand. If not, you'll eventually watch it.


It's like a once, well-known poster on here who has been warned not to listen to his wife's and her OM's sex VAR recording: if he hasn't already, he will.
Guaranteed.
It's like the ultimate Pandora's Box.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

davecarter said:


> *BTW, this OP's thread question borders close to the whole 'Cuckolding' phenomenon.*


*Dave: I ain't exactly into the "cuckolding phenomenon" but it does make me wonder at times if my rich, skanky XW wasn't in some way trying to push me there by having her long distance covert affairs with her OMen, and then coming back home and sleeping with me and leading me on to think that we were totally in love with each other!*


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Dave: I ain't exactly into the "cuckolding phenomenon" but it does make me wonder at times if my rich, skanky XW wasn't in some way trying to push me there by having her long distance covert affairs with her OMen, and then coming back home and sleeping with me and leading me on to think that we were totally in love with each other!*


I don't think a lot of people are. it's an 'Internet-thing'...albeit a growing one.
But there is a fine line between 'Infidelity' and 'Cuckolding'...one of the women I 'see' now, who is only 29, thinks is the hottest thing ever.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

davecarter said:


> I don't think a lot of people are. it's an 'Internet-thing'...albeit a growing one.
> But there is a fine line between 'Infidelity' and 'Cuckolding'...one of the women I 'see' now, who is only 29, thinks is the hottest thing ever.


I can only imagine the sense of power it would give a woman to have her husband or serious bf have to watch her having hot sex with another man.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: For the detail oriented....*



Thor said:


> I can only imagine the sense of power it would give a woman to have her husband or serious bf have to watch her having hot sex with another man.


....its like the same sense of power that they can have by withholding information about the A. Its almost a kind of mind control that the wield over the BS.

......AND ....it sucks ....big time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .....knowing 'something' happened ...yet not knowing 'what' happened is the tortuous component. It rivals the legendary "Chinese Water Torture" ....or bamboo under the finger nails.


The unknowns are tortuous but it would be enough for me to know someone cheated. That's all I need. I don't need a visual account of what went down. 



Hurtin_Still said:


> ....if you could be told what occurred ...from the offending spouse ...with appropriately applied remorse, regret, sadness and empathy ....it MAY be enough to start on a path of reconciliation ( if you so chose to do so ) ...IMHO


And it may not. 

Some folks do not reconcile. Others do. 

I would never want to see a video of someone cheating on me.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I wouldn't need to. I'm not the kind of person that needs every single detail. I know what sex entails. I don't need to watch a video to be hurt or angry over the fact that he fvcked her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I am a very detailed-oriented person but I didn't want details when my husband cheated. Not the first time when we tried R for 30 years and not the second time when I divorced him. Either way, you see that forever and that's no way to live. R or D but don't watch videos of the cheater having sex.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I well remember another poster, DevastatedDad, who heard his wife having an orgasm with the POSOM while they were screwing in her office!!!!! How in God's name would you EVER get that awful noise out of your brain? How many nights has he lain awake now beside her (I think he's still trying to R, though God alone knows why) and had her climax playing in his head? I cannot even begin to imagine the pain something like that would cause, let alone SEE a video of them having sex together !!!!  I cannot for the life of me understand why he didn't boot her a$$ out. She's come across as very remorseful, but still, how can he look at her and not hear that dreadful recording playing in the background?!!! It would have driven me out of my head!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I would want to see if he put protection on himself. He said he did (with prostitutes) but I never believed it. 

It would phase me now at all. He's gross to me now.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

HELL NO, I wouldn't watch it.

My god, as if dealing with the triggers in my own head for
months on end wasn't enough torture.... I think I would lose my mind.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

thummper said:


> I well remember another poster, DevastatedDad, who heard his wife having an orgasm with the POSOM while they were screwing in her office!!!!! How in God's name would you EVER get that awful noise out of your brain? How many nights has he lain awake now beside her (I think he's still trying to R, though God alone knows why) and had her climax playing in his head? I cannot even begin to imagine the pain something like that would cause, let alone SEE a video of them having sex together !!!!  I cannot for the life of me understand why he didn't boot her a$$ out. She's come across as very remorseful, but still, how can he look at her and not hear that dreadful recording playing in the background?!!! It would have driven me out of my head!


True, there is that to consider but I think it all depends on the individual. Everyone is wired differently.
I think there's been threads elsewhere about men, in particular, wanting to know all the details, right down to like, _everything_.

Otherwise, it's a case of dealing with mental images, mind-movies and endless triggers....IF you decide to reconcile.
And let's face it, it your wife or husband did such amazingly sexual acts with their affair-partner in various positions, with allsorts of toys, for hours on end, for months/years without you knowing, then you're probably going to divorce them.

I mean...you _are _going to divorce them....right? 


Anyway, furthermore to this, it would go something like: _"I wonder what he/she did...did they do this, did they do that?"_
So, then if someone gives you a VAR or a video and says _"keep this...for use in your Divorce...but don't ever, ever listen to/watch it - you'll never recover"_
Of course, you're going to listen/watch as soon as you can. 
That's basic, primal human nature and curiosity and anyone who says otherwise is full of BS.

At the end of the day, it's not exactly going to be like opening up The Ark of the Covenant, is it?


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Funny I said this same thing to a friend a few weeks after D Day,
just to see it once to confirm the things she told me. Of course after a few months of trickle truth she "told" me the real story of their encounter, I knew they had sex but the location and some of the intimate stuff she lied about.
I still don't believe everything she told me mainly the lack of enthusiasm on her part so a video would put that to rest.

On the other side I truly believe it would be the end of our marriage, if I had access to a video right after d day I am fairly sure we would not be together right now.

I am of the belief that we all have a spot inside that thinks this may just be a dream well nightmare really and seeing something like that would remove that faint glimmer of hope.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

i wouldn't want to watch it but I just know that my curiosity would get the better of me. 

Love=Pain made a good point and I agree. If I saw such a video, it would be the end of the marriage. 

Mind movies are just that - movies in the mind. 

If I saw it in living colour, the reality would hit home so hard that I doubt I'd be able to even look at WS again. Interesting that.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

As someone who found pictures from my STBX's phone that she sent to her OM, I can tell you it certainly is mentally and emotionally devastating.

To know that she intentionally posed for them, and knowing where and when she took them is painful. (the day after we filed for divorce, all the while I was doing everything I could think of to try to keep us together) 

Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I found videos of my wife in the shower taking care of business. Then I stumbled on a video of him taking care of business. 

It really tore me up they should would do something like that with him and not with me. I think that is the big fear of some is what would she do for or to him and not me. A soul crusher


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

mahike said:


> I found videos of my wife in the shower taking care of business. Then I stumbled on a video of him taking care of business.
> 
> It really tore me up they should would do something like that with him and not with me. I think that is the big fear of some is what would she do for or to him and not me. A soul crusher


*Maybe you can paint me as stupid, ignorant, misinformed, or all of the above! But why on God's green earth would a a reasonable person want to carry photos or clips of some man or woman "doing themselves" on a cell phone, when the mere ramifications/consequences from the possibility of it being found out could be utterly devastating?

Are they really that shallow minded?*


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: For the detail oriented....*



arbitrator said:


> *
> 
> Are they really that shallow minded?*


...is that a real question?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Blech


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *Maybe you can paint me as stupid, ignorant, misinformed, or all of the above! But why on God's green earth would a a reasonable person want to carry photos or clips of some man or woman "doing themselves" on a cell phone, when the mere ramifications/consequences from the possibility of it being found out could be utterly devastating?
> 
> Are they really that shallow minded?*


 What a found was a woman that used to put the kids first me second and her at the bottom of the list was now very self centered. I had 6 months of topless pictures my wife had taken on her phone.

The one upside from a guys perspective I know for a fact that mine is bigger!!!!!

Cheaters are very self centered and most of the brain reverts to that of a 15 year old


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ...is that a real question?


*"Shallow-minded" only in that if that pictorial data ever fell into the wrong hands(their spouses), then it could be rather detrimental for them.

No. It doesn't really take a Rhodes Scholar to know what they did it for. It was for their very own self-serving, prurient interests. Along with an overly egotistical attitude of "to hell with what the rest of the world thinks about it! This is for me or for us!"*


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It is hell. I was sent a picture.

She claims it was not her in the picture or she was photo-shopped into the picture with the OM on our bed.

How does someone get your picture without your clothes on to begin with in that pose? (kissing his privates?)

Supposedly there is a video of it somewhere on the internet or at least there was one 3 years ago.

If someone found it, I would watch it, show it to her and be done.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: For the detail oriented....*



arbitrator said:


> *"Shallow-minded" only in that if that pictorial data ever fell into the wrong hands(their spouses), then it could be rather detrimental for them.
> 
> No. It doesn't really take a Rhodes Scholar to know what they did it for. It was for their very own self-serving, prurient interests. Along with an overly egotistical attitude of "to hell with what the rest of the world thinks about it! This is for me or for us!"*


..."shallow minded" is ten steps up the scumbag staircase where I'd place them. Having to actually memorialize their morally reprehensible and selfish behavior is a bit more than, "to hell with what the rest of the world thinks".

(I think I put my cruel shoes on this morning)


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> It is hell. I was sent a picture.
> 
> She claims it was not her in the picture or she was photo-shopped into the picture with the OM on our bed.
> 
> ...


God, Harry! How terrible!!! Did you find out anything else. I checked your threads, but you didn't really go into any details about what might have happened, Are you two still together, or did that cause a permanent split? Something like that would totally break my spirit! I hope life is treating you well, you deserve it!


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

I read my stbxw's banter back and forth with the om on the IM on her Kindle after the deed. No need to watch a movie. They described it in pretty good detail!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I could think of only one scenario in which I would watch something like that.

If she denied it, and I had a hidden camera, and I needed to see if she was lying, and the camera captured it. Even then, I would turn it off the INSTANT the physical stuff started. Then I would just hand it to her with divorce papers.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I am someone who likes to have s much detail as possible before I make a decision. So it's possible (I am hedging here) that I would want to see said video.

I do find it interesting that while in normal society there seems to be a suppression of detail on important matters ...... think of the times when all you could get was "I'm not comfortable with that" 

but if an issue were to come to court, every little detail is turned over....... and that includes sexual abuse cases where every sexual ac is described in the most minute detail.

I have trouble trying to understand why if it's necessary in a legal court, why would it be unnecessary otherwise, if the person involved wants to know.....

I find in general, it's detail that changes people's opinion. If I were to say, "oh, we stop dating because I didn't like the way he conducted some of friendships with other [email protected]

The response I would get is "What is the problem with OSFs. Everyone has an OSF." 

It's not until you mention certain behaviors that formed your opinion that (may) understand.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

GETTING THEM CAUGHT REDHANDED IS WAY WORST THEN A VIDEO.....
for me it was a switch that put me off for good at any possible R.
seconds that seemed hours..... and that will never be erased in my mind.
So.... i guess that it would be helpfull, expecialy for those BS in eternal limbo


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hearing my wife's moans on the VAR was hard enough. I think if I had gone with a video recorder that would had pushed me over the edge of no return when it comes to the marriage.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

cool12 said:


> if i was preparing to D and not wanting to back down, maybe.
> 
> in R, no fkin way.


That's what I was thinking, C12. 

If I really wanted to bury the relationship and pour rebar-reinforced concrete over it, I'd watch the video. It would piss me off endlessly. I would get as far away from those two Ps of O I possibly could. I'd take an international job in another country. Volunteer for the first Mars mission. 

The mind movies of what "may" have happened, even if it was cold vanilla sex, are bad enough.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Hearing my wife's moans on the VAR was hard enough. I think if I had gone with a video recorder that would had pushed me over the edge of no return when it comes to the marriage.


Ouch. I think I recall reading that. You were posting while you were listening. It was like watching (reading) a script for a horror movie.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> ...would you watch video footage of your spouse with the affair partner? Obviously some people dont want to know anything at all and they would say no. Some people like me want to know every last little thing about what happened. I think I probably would watch it.


Interesting discussion so far (9:30 PM, EDT). What I'd want to know is who took the pictures and why? If it was a wife and an OM, was it his wife who hid a camera? Or was it the OM for whatever reason. Or was it the wife?

Speaking for myself, I'd watch. I think I could tell a lot from it, if I wasn't too angry to pay attention. Knowing that a video existed alone would make me one of those whose curiosity would get the better of me.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

My wife told me in pretty explicit detail what happened, so not sure how a video would have effected me.

On a different note, my wife innocently plugged in a video in my son's room and it was him and his girlfriend getting it on. That is a bit of a shock.

Not sure why a cheating spouse would allow the act to be videoed but I guess none of it makes sense anyway.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> *Hearing my wife's moans on the VAR was hard enough. * I think if I had gone with a video recorder that would had pushed me over the edge of no return when it comes to the marriage.


You know, Thorburn, I have tremendous respect for you. I could NEVER EVER have taken my wife back if I had heard that. (My guess is you heard a LOT more than just a few moans!) I wouldn't have been able to serve the divorce papers fast enough. That you can forgive her and stay with her and love her and take care of her in her illness is truly inspiring! You've a hell of a guy. God bless!


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Quote:
*Originally Posted by Thorburn *View Post
Hearing my wife's moans on the VAR was hard enough. I think if I had gone with a video recorder that would had pushed me over the edge of no return when it comes to the marriage.




thummper said:


> You know, Thorburn, I have tremendous respect for you. I could NEVER EVER have taken my wife back if I had heard that. (My guess is you heard a LOT more than just a few moans!) I wouldn't have been able to serve the divorce papers fast enough. That you can forgive her and stay with her and love her and take care of her in her illness is truly inspiring! You've a hell of a guy. God bless!



Yes, Thorburn. Your story was torturous, even to read.

*It seemed as though you were not only trying be her surrogate father (which many husbands try to do), but also the Holy Father. AND you pulled it off.

*While one marvels at your near-Biblical life story of forgiveness and redemption, one also feels that you deserved infinitely better.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

johnAdams said:


> *Not sure why a cheating spouse would allow the act to be videoed but I guess none of it makes sense anyway*.


....vanity 
....selfishness 
....lack of conscience 
....a mean and or cruel streak
....sociopathic tendancies



Please feel free to pick any or all from Column A


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Hell no.

You can't get rid of those images once they are in your head. That would take soul-crushing to another dimension. R would be impossible and D would be ugly.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: For the detail oriented....*



staystrong said:


> Hell no.
> 
> You can't get rid of those images once they are in your head. That would take soul-crushing to another dimension. R would be impossible and D would be ugly.



......I'd also ....sorta' ....get the idea that actual images of the 'act(s)' .....might also push the BS over the line from sadness & despair ....to anger & violence.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ......I'd also ....sorta' ....get the idea that actual images of the 'act(s)' .....might also push the BS over the line from sadness & despair ....to anger & violence.


Very much required then for some of the cuckhold fraternity around here  

Perhaps they might take the blinkers off an deal that b!tch a hand of cards she'll never forget


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