# Wife all of a sudden afraid of me?



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

We are going through divorce and have a three year old. 

Nothing filed yet, but she is completely 100 percent sure, according to her, and she has slept on the couch for 2 months. 

Twice in the past 2 months she went back to her country to visit. She just left me with my son, work, bills etc. She was gone a total of 19 days. 

She has been extremely non talkative unless she Is yelling for the past 2 months. I would try to fix things, and all she says is "I want divorce. I don't love you. I want divorce". No therapy or counseling. Won't even tell me why. Just says she does not love me 

So today she asked me if I want to cook out. She texted me during the day saying she was lost and "heartbroken". So after dinner before bed, I went to hug her gently. She pulled away, and was then staring at me like I was some monster. She then went to the kitchen and stood very far away. Never, and I mean never have I hit her, threatened to, or even came close to. She has hit me. 

I calmly left then called later. She told me I also "never let her work". She has had a job for the past year which I encouraged her to get every step of the way. I made her resume. She then said I did not let her "go to the gym" as another example of how I "controlled her". We had one conversation years ago where I just said I didn't want another bill as I knew she would never go. That was it. We even lived at a a place with a free gym. So it seemed wasteful. 

Now keep in mind I paid every bill since we met and still do. I took excellent care of her and our son. They never needed anythjng. I never asked what she did all day, ever, in a jealous fashion. 

It shocked me as to how she pulled away as if she was terrified. Now she is thinking everythjng is some type of "abuse". When I asked why she is doing that she just states at the tv straight ahead like I wasn't there. After she mentioned the gym membership on the phone she cried and hung up. Wouldn't answer again. 

Is this an emotional breakdown? Some sort of disorder? Illness? Game? I have never seen this before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> We are going through divorce and have a three year old.
> 
> Nothing filed yet, but she is completely 100 percent sure, according to her, and she has slept on the couch for 2 months.
> 
> ...


Two thoughts come to mind:

1. She may be revising the history of your marriage in her mind so that she feels justified in divorcing you.

2. She may be setting you up for false accusations of abuse, or to set you up for a restraining order of some kind.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Two thoughts come to mind:
> 
> 1. She may be revising the history of your marriage in her mind so that she feels justified in divorcing you.
> 
> 2. She may be setting you up for false accusations of abuse, or to set you up for a restraining order of some kind.


I agree. I cannot tell which one it is. If she was making some legal case for abuse would she really need to be telling me these things she must know are not true? For a year she couldn't work without papers, then she have birth, and when our son was 2 she worked. So it does not even make any logical sense to tell me any of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> I agree. I cannot tell which one it is. If she was making some legal case for abuse would she really need to be telling me these things she must know are not true? For a year she couldn't work without papers, then she have birth, and when our son was 2 she worked. So it does not even make any logical sense to tell me any of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems like a class A marriage history rewrite with a little of her guilt being projected upon you sprinkled in. Check for another man, he is likely hiding out there in the shadows. You will find him when the cracks begin to show. May be an infatuation or EA but it's there and you need to hit it head on. I was passive did all the wrong ****. If you want to fight for her, then you must go on the offensive and truly fight. Find out who it is and bring retribution down upon him. Reveal to his family, time is running short do it now before it's too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Hate to say it but it does sound like you have a third party involved here somewhere. She is re-writing history, sudden trips away. She doesn't want physical contact with you.

The fear or "abuse" typically is part of the headgame waywards will talk themselves into to justify there actions. 






marriedman321 said:


> We are going through divorce and have a three year old.
> 
> Nothing filed yet, but she is completely 100 percent sure, according to her, and she has slept on the couch for 2 months.
> 
> ...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Gotta agree. She is probably cheating. Sorry. :-(


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Two thoughts come to mind:
> 
> 1. She may be revising the history of your marriage in her mind so that she feels justified in divorcing you.
> 
> 2. She may be setting you up for false accusations of abuse, or to set you up for a restraining order of some kind.



It's both...




marriedman321 said:


> I agree. I cannot tell which one it is. If she was making some legal case for abuse would she really need to be telling me these things she must know are not true? For a year she couldn't work without papers, then she have birth, and when our son was 2 she worked. So it does not even make any *logical sense* to tell me any of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Stop using logic when it comes to your wife. She is speaking emotionally not logically. 

I've heard the same crap.

Yes, there was a third party found.

Yes, we divorced.

Look into the 180.

Give her what she wants.

All is not lost yet but you'll need to stop any and all begging, pleading and crying.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Two thoughts come to mind:
> 
> 1. She may be revising the history of your marriage in her mind so that she feels justified in divorcing you.
> 
> 2. She may be setting you up for false accusations of abuse, or to set you up for a restraining order of some kind.


I vote both. Next time she's gone go for abandonment, file on her. Just sayin'...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like she's having a nervous breakdown and rewriting history. Could be an affair compounding it, but you don't seem to have any evidence for this.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You should get a voice activated recorder (VAR) and keep it on you at all times. Use it when ever she's around you.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Marriedman321, I admit that you piqued my curiosity. You've been a member since March 2013, with 186 posts, so I went back to see what kind of threads you have authored before.

They're all variations on the same theme.

In one, you claim to have been dealt "the final straw," yet here you are months later in exactly the same situation.

Wait. Sorry, my bad, you're going through a divorce. It's one of those "nobody has actually talked to a lawyer or anything, but we're in the midst of a divorce" divorces.

South Americans like your wife, who speak English, call this "not a divorce."

In answer to the question you pose at the end of your post, this is nothing more than a game your wife is playing on you.

And boy, are you losing.

You do receive a set of prizes for playing the way you are- 

Verbal Abuse!
Emotional Abuse!
No Sex!
No money (since your wife spends it all)!
Constant feelings of inadequacy!

Maybe you should try playing a different game.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

NotLikeYou said:


> Marriedman321, I admit that you piqued my curiosity. You've been a member since March 2013, with 186 posts, so I went back to see what kind of threads you have authored before.
> 
> They're all variations on the same theme.
> 
> ...


I agree. For now I love seeing my son every night hanging on to hope thjngs can change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I agree. For now I love seeing my son every night hanging on to hope thjngs can change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You're doing same thing. 

She's doing same thing. 

Nothing will change.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she seriously believed you were abusive, would she have left you with her 2 year old son for 19 days? You said SHE is 100% sure she wants a divorce. She avoids talking to you, is unusually bitter toward you, feigns fear of you for no logical reason (and out of character for her and inconsistent with her other behavior). She makes allegations that have no basis in reality. 
Is it possible she has another guy or believes she does? If she intended to cheat or leave you for some other guy she'd have to creative a narrative that you were unloving or abusing. 
I believe if she seriously believed you were some out of control, violent creature, she'd die before she left her 2 year old alone with you for 19 days.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> You're doing same thing.
> 
> She's doing same thing.
> 
> Nothing will change.


I know. Right now it is at the point where she slept on the couch for 2 months. She won't say a word to me other than divorce. I saw a lawyer today. I don suck at this. Intake the logical analytical approach. I feel this time it is too late to save anything. 

Looking back we went 3.5 years without a date in which out child was not with us. Not sure if she really wants what she is asking for or is mad and wants me to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I know. Right now it is at the point where she slept on the couch for 2 months. She won't say a word to me other than divorce. I saw a lawyer today. I don suck at this. Intake the logical analytical approach. I feel this time it is too late to save anything.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



What do you want?

Stop focusing on her and what she wants. 

It's ok to be selfish.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If she seriously believed you were abusive, would she have left you with her 2 year old son for 19 days? You said SHE is 100% sure she wants a divorce. She avoids talking to you, is unusually bitter toward you, feigns fear of you for no logical reason (and out of character for her and inconsistent with her other behavior). She makes allegations that have no basis in reality.
> Is it possible she has another guy or believes she does? If she intended to cheat or leave you for some other guy she'd have to creative a narrative that you were unloving or abusing.
> I believe if she seriously believed you were some out of control, violent creature, she'd die before she left her 2 year old alone with you for 19 days.


I agree. She can't believe it. I would actually try to show her videos and give her books about the non aggression principle. 

If she has another guy I am guessing he would be in brazil. But the fact that it would be a long distance relationship does not make much sense. But yes it is possible
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I agree. She can't believe it. I would actually try to show her videos and give her books about the non aggression principle.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Another man or idea of another man doesn't matter. Both pose huge problems for your marriage.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> What do you want?
> 
> Stop focusing on her and what she wants.
> 
> It's ok to be selfish.


I want the woman i married. 

I also read the biology of love and it states how every relationship starts with a honeymoon phase (so we procreate, chemicals are released etc), then it hits the conflict stage where the chemicals wear off and you notice every fault and want independence, and if you can get through that the next phase is true love and intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I want the woman i married.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



So, you feel she has reached this stage?

What do you think you should do about it?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Another man or idea of another man doesn't matter. Both pose huge problems for your marriage.


I talked to the attorney and he said most women filing for divorce are in that 38 to 43 range where they view it as their last chance to find another guy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

aug said:


> You should get a voice activated recorder (VAR) and keep it on you at all times. Use it when ever she's around you.


:iagree:

I can't agree with this enough. You need to protect yourself against spurious accusations. 




marriedman321 said:


> If she has another guy I am guessing he would be in brazil. But the fact that it would be a long distance relationship does not make much sense. But yes it is possible


Keep in mind that the third person is not always a guy.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I talked to the attorney and he said most women filing for divorce are in that 38 to 43 range where they view it as their last chance to find another guy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Let's say he's right. 

What is her motivation?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> So, you feel she has reached this stage?
> 
> What do you think you should do about it?


Well if she was playing a game it worked as I view life differently. The petty arguments would not matter much when you face the thought of seeing your son a few times a month and will have to start over with someone else to perhaps make the same mistakes again. 

Right now I don't know. I can pull a 180 which mighjt work. Or that might be worse. I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Your motivation is the same as hers.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Let's say he's right.
> 
> What is her motivation?


I would say for my wife that as a teen she used to be obese. Then she became a model in her 20's, but lived at home until 30. Her mom was extremely controlling. Could not even go on class field trips, she could not go out at night etc. So maybe she wants independence? I don't feel she is in love with another guy, but I think it is possible of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> I would say for my wife that as a teen she used to be obese. Then she became a model in her 20's, but lived at home until 30. Her mom was extremely controlling. Could not even go on class field trips, she could not go out at night etc. So maybe she wants independence? I don't feel she is in love with another guy, but I think it is possible of course.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do women with a toddler ever divorce without another man in the picture? Assuming the man is not abusive/on drugs etc? I mean this is a reoccurring theme and I can't believ the same guy is lurking for years b
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I would say for my wife that as a teen she used to be obese. Then she became a model in her 20's, but lived at home until 30. Her mom was extremely controlling. Could not even go on class field trips, she could not go out at night etc. So maybe she wants independence? I don't feel she is in love with another guy, but I think it is possible of course.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Perhaps. 

Understand, first, that her issues are her own. Only she can confront them and deal with them.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Male attorney...

Not last chance to find another guy. Realization that you are independent and strong enough, confident enough that you can live without being married to someone who makes you unhappy.

That only applies if you aren't cheating or about to, if a woman has an N year plan to get out it is the former. Unfortunately you can't tell the actual truth if somewhere along the N year plan she becomes attached to another man because she already detached from the marriage. Usually though there was no plan in place and an EA silently works into her life and hits her like a ton of bricks. She falls in love and rewrites marital history. That's the only way her brain can make sense of what happened. The marriage MUST have been awful or she couldn't have fallen for another man, right? It could not be that she didn't guard her heart or protect her my marriage. It can't be her fault so it must be yours...

Understand that mindset and you can deal with anything thrown at you by a wayward.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Do women with a toddler ever divorce without another man in the picture? Assuming the man is not abusive/on drugs etc?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes. 

However, If you look around TAM, most of the posters realize, at some point, there is a third party involved. It's important to find this out.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Male attorney...
> 
> Not last chance to find another guy. Realization that you are independent and strong enough, confident enough that you can live without being married to someone who makes you unhappy.
> 
> ...



All true. 

We don't know what we have here yet.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The woman you married is no longer around. Start seeing her for who she is, not what you remember or want to remember. 

Until you start to deal with todays version of her you stand no chance. 




marriedman321 said:


> I want the woman i married.
> I also read the biology of love and it states how every relationship starts with a honeymoon phase (so we procreate, chemicals are released etc), then it hits the conflict stage where the chemicals wear off and you notice every fault and want independence, and if you can get through that the next phase is true love and intimacy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Has she always been as emotional as she has been lately? 

Maybe not as severe but has she been dramatic?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Male attorney...
> 
> Not last chance to find another guy. Realization that you are independent and strong enough, confident enough that you can live without being married to someone who makes you unhappy.
> 
> ...


This makes sense. She rewrote everything. Year one she didn't have a visa to work. Year 2 she had a little baby. And year three she worked. But she tells me incessantly I "never allowed her to work so I could control her". And other things along those same lines that fall into "abuse" these days. 

And yes it could never be her fault for destroying the family. She must get away from the "abuser"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

In the absence of a third party getting through knowing each other too well is the key to a long marriage. As they say the secret of a long marriage is to never get divorced. But never getting divorced does NOT automatically give way to true love and intimacy. It usually gives way to parallel lives at best. If you want more than that it isn't going to happen because of biology.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Has she always been as emotional as she has been lately?
> 
> Maybe not as severe but has she been dramatic?


I would say this. Her mom did the same to her dad for years. Threatened divorce, had to have everything her way or else. She had an issue with her dad because he never protected/ stood up for her or her brother. He was afraid of her mom. 

But yes, any "no" leads to drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

In marriage we all do things that our spouse could consider abuse. 

You have abused her and she, no doubt, has abused you. 

Get past that.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I would say this. Her mom did the same to her dad for years. Threatened divorce, had to have everything her way or else. She had an issue with her dad because he never protected/ stood up for her or her brother. He was afraid of her mom.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This won't likely change. 

Do you want to stay with this?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> In marriage we all do things that our spouse could consider abuse.
> 
> You have abused her and she, no doubt, has abused you.
> 
> Get past that.


I talked to a different lawyer and told her my wife has been emotional. He told me "that's is a woman. Don't try to use logic"

None of her "ideas" make any sense. And there is no way she will be the same person and have a lifelong relationship with someone else. Especially at 39 and with a kid. Sure it is possible, burin feel unlikely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> This won't likely change.
> 
> Do you want to stay with this?


That's the issue too. A few days ago when I finally agrees to divorce she was texting me to cook out and telling me she bought me steaks. 

Then that night when I tried to hug her she acted terrified. 

When she was "acting nice" I wasn't sure if I did want this forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I talked to a different lawyer and told her my wife has been emotional. He told me "that's is a woman. Don't try to use logic"
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You don't know she won't. 

If you go back and read your posts you'll see it's all about her. 

You are reacting. 

Start taking control of yourself first. 

Realize you'll be fine without her.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What the hell are you talking about? She can replace you easily. Your man centric thinking and world is going to cost you big. Her child is not an issue.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Well trying to apply logic to love is near impossible at times for both genders and the more logic you try to apply to irrational behavior the harder it is.

She grew up with a controlling mother, this is what she has been taught....its her normal based on her life experiences. She expects to be able to control. 



marriedman321 said:


> I talked to a different lawyer and told her my wife has been emotional. He told me "that's is a woman. Don't try to use logic"
> 
> None of her "ideas" make any sense. And there is no way she will be the same person and have a lifelong relationship with someone else. Especially at 39 and with a kid. Sure it is possible, burin feel unlikely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> You don't know she won't.
> 
> If you go back and read your posts you'll see it's all about her.
> 
> ...


Your right. And I guess single dads find love again. I think so far ahead. Picturing my son playing sports and mom and dad separate. Or how we won't be able to play soccer everyday anymore. Sometimes it is more about him than her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> What the hell are you talking about? She can replace you easily. Your man centric thinking and world is going to cost you big. Her child is not an issue.


 I guess you might be right. But replace with who? Do a lot of men in their 40's want to marry a single mom of 39? I mean men that might already be divorced. Decent looking. Higher earners. Mentally stable etc?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Your right. And I guess single dads find love again. I think so far ahead. Picturing my son playing sports and mom and dad separate. Or how we won't be able to play soccer everyday anymore. Sometimes it is more about him than her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm not going to say you're wrong. I'm living it and know that being away from the kids sucks. 

However, if you show this or use as an argument you'll appear weak and needy. Not attractive.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I guess you might be right. But replace with who? Do a lot of men in their 40's want to marry a single mom of 39? I mean men that might already be divorced. Decent looking. Higher earners. Mentally stable etc?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Stop worrying about her.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why only a guy in his 40s? At her she she can appeal to anyone from 30 to well, sky is the limit. 

When I got divorced I had two young girls and no concern about interested men. Get your head out of your ass. Grow up and get adult thinking. You apparently believe in auto pilot for marriage and that women have no choices in life. Haven't you just been given a lesson to prove otherwise? Using this line of thinking to protect your ego will lose you the love of any good woman.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

PS I just turned 50 and have one daughter left at home and I have no concern that if my H were to walk out the door tomorrow I could "replace" him with another comparable if not better model. I doubt I would choose to do that however. Not in terms of marriage, anyway. Sex, you betcha!


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Why only a guy in his 40s? At her she she can appeal to anyone from 30 to well, sky is the limit.
> 
> When I got divorced I had two young girls and no concern about interested men. Get your head out of your ass. Grow up and get adult thinking. You apparently believe in auto pilot for marriage and that women have no choices in life. Haven't you just been given a lesson to prove otherwise? Using this line of thinking to protect your ego will lose you the love of any good woman.


All I was originally saying was that it might be a sort of "mid life"crisis, and knowing my wife she is obsessed with her looks, aging etc. She might be cheating, might think I am horrible, or might feel at this age she still has a chance to find someone better. In her culture atleast, age is far more important than in the usa.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> I'm not going to say you're wrong. I'm living it and know that being away from the kids sucks.
> 
> However, if you show this or use as an argument you'll appear weak and needy. Not attractive.


Yes I already used this and apparently it is unattractive to tell your wife you would miss your kids. In some way is it more attractive to not care?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Yes I already used this and apparently it is unattractive to tell your wife you would miss your kids. In some way is it more attractive to not care?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No, it is more attractive to show you will be fine and you will live a great life with or without her.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> No, it is more attractive to show you will be fine and you will live a great life with or without her.


I have had some moments in which I had this mindset and it sure feels good. I just need to sustain these feelings for longer periods of time. I can't fake it. I need to really feel it. 

Do I start going out by myself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> I guess you might be right. But replace with who? Do a lot of men in their 40's want to marry a single mom of 39? I mean men that might already be divorced. Decent looking. Higher earners. Mentally stable etc?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the conjecture game will get you nowhere right now and its pointless at this time. 

She wants a divorce, you have heard her excuses for wanting divorce. Maybe I missed it somewhere but have you done any investigating to find the reason or to at least rule out reasons yet?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We learn how to be spouses and parents by watching our's. Sounds like her parents' marriage was a drama fest, so that's what a marriage looks like to her. She maintains she's sure she wants out but she hasn't filed any paperwork and she hasn't moved out and she hasn't made a move to get a job. Could be she just wants some drama, maybe wants you to yell a little and "fight" for her. She said her mom ran the show and her dad was weak for not fighting back. In her twisted mind, maybe fussing and fighting look like love to her. I do find it curious that a woman with no security of her own would wish to leave her security man unless she had backup security (or believes she does). A guy would have to be pretty bad for a jobless woman with a toddler to just leave. What is her plan for supporting herself? What is her plan for child custody?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I have had some moments in which I had this mindset and it sure feels good. I just need to sustain these feelings for longer periods of time. I can't fake it. I need to really feel it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You need to do some guy things. 

Recapture some masculinity.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

But healthy guy things. Not frat boy guy things.

Become the man you were meant to be. Her problems are her problems. Let this be an opportunity for you rather than a complete tragedy.

Do investigate. Then based on your knowledge make decisions.

PSPS. My husband could do the same. All of us have options. That's why being someone the other WANTS to be with is important, it does not mean always telling them what they want to hear or being a doormat. Be good, be fun, be productive, loving, empathetic, continue to grow, don't become boring or allow yourself to be bored... Be grateful, and fiercely protect your family,

Don't accept bull from her or anyone else!


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> We learn how to be spouses and parents by watching our's. Sounds like her parents' marriage was a drama fest, so that's what a marriage looks like to her. She maintains she's sure she wants out but she hasn't filed any paperwork and she hasn't moved out and she hasn't made a move to get a job. Could be she just wants some drama, maybe wants you to yell a little and "fight" for her. She said her mom ran the show and her dad was weak for not fighting back. In her twisted mind, maybe fussing and fighting look like love to her. I do find it curious that a woman with no security of her own would wish to leave her security man unless she had backup security (or believes she does). A guy would have to be pretty bad for a jobless woman with a toddler to just leave. What is her plan for supporting herself? What is her plan for child custody?


I don't know. I have no idea actually. She makes about 800 per month as it is now. She works 4 hours per day. 

When I ask she gets far too emotional. She might say she wants nothing. Then say she wants 1500 a month. 

Since she is a day care teacher, and our son goes to school with her, I can picture the judge just telling me to make up the diffirence in her bills and pay the difference while she keeps our son 80 percent of the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> No, it is more attractive to show you will be fine and you will live a great life with or without her.


This is correct. 

The fact that you will miss your child is your business, and not to be shared with your STBX. 

This goes for any emotion or feeling you have.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't think it matters of he expresses his love for his child. That is separate to his feelings for her and if he wants to her can seek full custody.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I don't think it matters of he expresses his love for his child. That is separate to his feelings for her and if he wants to her can seek full custody.


Today she said she is moving out in two weeks. Asked for some help with finances and to make a parenting plan. Then she told me she can't be jealous if she remarries in a couple months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Today she said she is moving out in two weeks. Asked for some help with finances and to make a parenting plan. Then she told me she can't be jealous if she remarries in a couple months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


anyway to spy on a keyword protected iPad or iphone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Today she said she is moving out in two weeks. Asked for some help with finances and to make a parenting plan. Then she told me she can't be jealous if she remarries in a couple months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She can move out. Be happy for her. Be encouraging. 

No help! 

No money. Don't help pack. Don't help move. 

Be nice.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Today she said she is moving out in two weeks. Asked for some help with finances and to make a parenting plan. Then she told me she can't be jealous if she remarries in a couple months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She is baiting you. 

Don't bite.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> anyway to spy on a keyword protected iPad or iphone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes. There are apps for that.

Weightlifter can help you with this. Search him and PM him.


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> She can move out. Be happy for her. Be encouraging.
> 
> No help!
> 
> ...


Doni let her take my son and the car? That's what she is saying she will do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Tell her she can't take your child. Your home is where he belongs. 

If she does anyway don't make a scene in front of him. 

Get to an attorney fast.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Tell her she can't take your child. Your home is where he belongs.
> 
> If she does anyway don't make a scene in front of him.
> 
> Get to an attorney fast.


The attorney already told me nothing can be done until divorce is filed and then at that point wait a couple months for a hearing. So she could take my son to Alaska if she wants. Won't look good but she can
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> The attorney already told me nothing can be done until divorce is filed and then at that point wait a couple months for a hearing. So she could take my son to Alaska if she wants. Won't look good but she can
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Exactly. 

You can't control her. She's going to do what she's going to do. 

Give her the rope...


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Exactly.
> 
> You can't control her. She's going to do what she's going to do.
> 
> Give her the rope...


So basically just say "ok bye have a great time" and let her drive off with my son? I mean it seems all I can do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> So basically just say "ok bye have a great time" and let her drive off with my son? I mean it seems all I can do
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No, that is not what I'm saying. 

When is she planning on leaving?


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> No, that is not what I'm saying.
> 
> When is she planning on leaving?


She said 2 or 3 weeks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

So, there's no immediate threat. 

That's what she's doing btw. Threatening you. More of the emotional warfare. Stay calm.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> So, there's no immediate threat.
> 
> That's what she's doing btw. Threatening you. More of the emotional warfare. Stay calm.


She said she didn't file and is moving in a few weeks. Can she be this crazy to actually be saying this with no plan?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> She said she didn't file and is moving in a few weeks. Can she be this crazy to actually be saying this with no plan?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Uh, yes.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> She said she didn't file and is moving in a few weeks. Can she be this crazy to actually be saying this with no plan?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the type of thinking that gets people blindsided. Who says she doesn't have a plan? Is this your ego talking?


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> She said she didn't file and is moving in a few weeks. Can she be this crazy to actually be saying this with no plan?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what a woman wrote on another site. 


I am intrigued reading this - I am on the other side of the coin, you could be my husband for all I know!!!<br />
<br />
I am recently separated also - a separation I initiated. My husband, like you, was loving, respectful and treated me well - but every day I died a little more of boredom. I wanted t light a fire-cracker under his 4ss, there was just no spark in him.<br />
<br />
I contemplated leaving him for years but could not bring myself to do it - our relationship was lovely in every way bar the spark. I was 30 years old and felt about 80 years old.<br />

I contemplated leaving him for years but could not bring myself to do it - our relationship was lovely in every way bar the spark. I was 30 years old and felt about 80 years old.<br />
<br />
So - in what, with hindsight, I see as a last-ditch ply for his attention I initiated this separation but it backfired. He did as you have done, didn't stand in my way, only mildly attempted to double check I meant it and now I am gone.<br />

So - in what, with hindsight, I see as a last-ditch ply for his attention I initiated this separation but it backfired. He did as you have done, didn't stand in my way, only mildly attempted to double check I meant it and now I am gone.<br />
<br />
If you truly want your wife back - and it sounds to me like she is a little like me, loves you but is unfulfilled for some reason in the marriage - then it might be worth considering changing tack and fighting for her? My husband didn't fight for me and it didn't draw me back, it just made me livid and confirmed my reasoning to me that he has no fire in his belly and never will.<br />

I'm not much happier now and all I am left with now is the feeling that maybe he didn't love me after all. Part of me desperately wants to run back to the safety of the marriage but I'm too angry at him for letting me go (I know how unreasonable that sounds!!) to even consider that now.<br />
<br />
I hope this has been of some thought-food to you as you decide what course of action is best to take. I've learned that men and women read each other's behaviours very differently!!!<br />
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is the type of thinking that gets people blindsided. Who says she doesn't have a plan? Is this your ego talking?


No. I was asking could she be saying this with no plan? Yes she might have a plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> No. I was asking could she be saying this with no plan? Yes she might have a plan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then another woman wrote this. So what to do? Fight for her? Just say bye?

Sometimes women feel like that relationship hasn't become important to the husband. I know this is what is going on with me and I hope it works out. The more my husband pushes me the more I pull away. Hope it works out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> This is what a woman wrote on another site.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Horse sh1t.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> The attorney already told me nothing can be done until divorce is filed and then at that point wait a couple months for a hearing. So she could take my son to Alaska if she wants. Won't look good but she can
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And this is why at this point you should seriously consider filing so your rights as far as the child are protected. 

The moving in a few weeks sounds more like just trying to push your buttons more than actually doing it. 

As far as that other person on a different site with her info, maybe thats what she wants to believe. Here is the problem, NONE of us are mind readers. If you fight to keep her, she says your obsessed, if you just let her go, she says you dont care enough. As long as you are in defense or just reacting to what she says mode you are in a no win situation.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If she remarries????? That lying, cheating birch. Go for full custody. If she remarries financial support is done so let her go.

That said go for a clause that says I'd she is cheating now she gets no spousal. See if she is confident enough to bite.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> If she remarries????? That lying, cheating birch. Go for full custody. If she remarries financial support is done so let her go.
> 
> That said go for a clause that says I'd she is cheating now she gets no spousal. See if she is confident enough to bite.


This is what I am thinking. 

When I called to talk to her she was saying "too late it's over etc ". Then telling me "I am playing games"

I was calm and told her I agree, I know it is over. Can we agree on terms etc. (As our lease is up and they are asking me what we will do everyday. We have a nice house, but it is not where I want to live if I am single and it is more expensive. Not sure if I should stay but that is another issue)

So then she was emotional and saying "ok I need a little financial help. If you can let me keep the car I will let you drive it on weekends. I will let you drive it on weekends. (Yeah right). We can come up with a plan and you can have nick half the time. I don't need much money" etc

Her tune changed as she probably discovered she does not get a free attorney, this will be expensive and not easy etc

I have decided not to fight so I was still agreeable. This is when she said "and if I remarry in a month then you can't be mad". I was shocked and said what? You would remarry that quick? You must have someone. Just tell me. 

Then she said she doesn't , but never know when she might meet someone etc. 

Later that night I sent her some links about how divorce will affect a toddler, so she can be be prepared. She accused me of "playing games". Called me "bipolar", and accused me of drinking. ( I had one beer). She said she doesn't want to hear it, our son will be fine, and is no big deal. And no matter what she "won't change her mind"

I just said "ok", but I feel you should know what you are doing to him and left it at that. 

So, at this point I have no idea if she made things up to "hurt" me, or it is all true and she is telling me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Don't get into child psychology right now. She isn't going to be receptive. Just get the clause about cheating on the table and if by some miracle she agrees then get it in writing from your lawyer to hers... Or get her to sign whatever was written up.

THEN spring a lie detector test on her.

In the mean time if you can afford it get a friend to follow her around or get a PI.


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Don't get into child psychology right now. She isn't going to be receptive. Just get the clause about cheating on the table and if by some miracle she agrees then get it in writing from your lawyer to hers... Or get her to sign whatever was written up.
> 
> THEN spring a lie detector test on her.
> 
> In the mean time if you can afford it get a friend to follow her around or get a PI.


All of this costs so much money is another issue. I have to decide to file or wait if she moves out. Or I can try to file pro se. 

The cheapest attorney I found wanted a 3000 dollar retainer. And I didn't care for him. 

If she moves out, with no attorney money, I am possibly thinking it might be good to present an agreement that is favorable to me. 

As of today she is talking to me, acting normal etc. Not sure if this is all real yet which is why I am delaying action. 
I know I should be pro active but ultimatums so not seem to be the best rout, nor does filing for divorce yet. Either way, the case will take a few months before It comes to a hearing, so in the meantime she can move with my son either way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> All of this costs so much money is another issue. I have to decide to file or wait if she moves out. Or I can try to file pro se.
> 
> The cheapest attorney I found wanted a 3000 dollar retainer. And I didn't care for him.
> 
> ...


At this point all I can do is change myself. I don't need counseling. Am not dependent on any chemicals. All I can do is change my mindset and quit getting wrapped up in any arguing or drama. Just let it ride. 

If she wants to move out, then go ahead. If she has someone lined up I don't want her anyway. I just have to quit asking, quit wondering, and be happy for myself. I did this for the last day and she already waited for my son and I to come back from the park with the door open, and texted me throughout the day with just short but polite replies from me. Let's see how this goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> At this point all I can do is change myself. I don't need counseling. Am not dependent on any chemicals. All I can do is change my mindset and quit getting wrapped up in any arguing or drama. Just let it ride.
> 
> If she wants to move out, then go ahead. If she has someone lined up I don't want her anyway. I just have to quit asking, quit wondering, and be happy for myself. I did this for the last day and she already waited for my son and I to come back from the park with the door open, and texted me throughout the day with just short but polite replies from me. Let's see how this goes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Update. A man she met from brazil is coming to visit her. I found out through her nephew.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Update. A man she met from brazil is coming to visit her. I found out through her nephew.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry to hear that.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

so her family knows about her cheating?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> so her family knows about her cheating?


Her nephew from brazil just told me he found out today. Yes her mom knew. He told
Me her mom is very mad with her. But her mom did not tell me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

marriedman321 said:


> Today she said she is moving out in two weeks. Asked for some help with finances and to make a parenting plan. Then she told me she can't be jealous if she remarries in a couple months.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now, if your marriage ended today, would you imagine you might be remarried in two months unless you already had a prospective spouse waiting in the wings (or believed you did)?


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Now, if your marriage ended today, would you imagine you might be remarried in two months unless you already had a prospective spouse waiting in the wings (or believed you did)?


Yes. This has been going on for a while. Questions is what is next
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Talk to her mom. Get all the info you can.

File.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Talk to her mom. Get all the info you can.
> 
> File.


Nobody knows I know. If I tell her mom she will tell her daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Cut her off. 

Separate money.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Nobody knows I know. If I tell her mom she will tell her daughter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who cares if she tells her.
Get to the bank and take out half before she cleans you out and takes off with him.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Update. A man she met from brazil is coming to visit her. I found out through her nephew.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So her dentist is going to make housecalls now? Wasnt that the excuse last time she left the country? 

You really should consider getting your money out of bank and cancelling your credit cards or lowering the limits to what you owe now so she cant start a spending spree.


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

honcho said:


> So her dentist is going to make housecalls now? Wasnt that the excuse last time she left the country?
> 
> You really should consider getting your money out of bank and cancelling your credit cards or lowering the limits to what you owe now so she cant start a spending spree.


That's already done. Not sure what to say to her if anythjng
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Talk to her mother already.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Talk to her mother already.



I respectfully disagree. Go dark on them all. 

She's forewarned you about marrying this guy. 

Protect your son, yourself and your assets. 

Then find out who the guy is. That will determine your next course of action. 

Prioritize.


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> I respectfully disagree. Go dark on them all.
> 
> She's forewarned you about marrying this guy.
> 
> ...


I asked her if she had anything to tell me. Of course she said no. I go to my room. She comes and starts crying. Saying she wants to hug me so often. And that we did have good times. Then a minute later she said we never had good times. I just decided to leave and get a room for the night. Upon leaving she was shocked and terrified. Saying "what? Where are you going" I came back a minute later to get my phone charger and saw her standing in the kitchen crying. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I asked her if she had anything to tell me. Of course she said no. I go to my room. She comes and starts crying. Saying she wants to hug me so often. And that we did have good times. Then a minute later she said we never had good times. I just decided to leave and get a room for the night. Upon leaving she was shocked and terrified. Saying "what? Where are you going" I came back a minute later to get my phone charger and saw her standing in the kitchen crying.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She's going to cycle a lot. 

Split black/white. 

Abandonment/engulfment. 

Take care of yourself emotionally.

Edit: while it may have been a good idea to leave that situation you need to get back in your home with your son.


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> She's going to cycle a lot.
> 
> Split black/white.
> 
> ...


Yes. I just left for the night. It's the hardest thing in my life. Don't know what to do. Still dreaming of a reconciliation although logically I am better alone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Yes. I just left for the night. It's the hardest thing in my life. Don't know what to do. Still dreaming of a reconciliation although logically I am better alone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Perfectly understandable. 

Who knows what the future holds?

You need to focus on today. Take it one day at a time. 

Right now you have a W that wants to get away. Her best interests will be in conflict with yours. Protect yourself first. 

Remember, in all interactions, remain calm, cool and dispassionate.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she is a rational person, somewhere on earth there is a place her body, mind, and heart can reside and that is where she needs to be. If she thinks she needs to be with some other guy, I'd help her pack. Let him deal with her drama. I have no desire to be anyone's second choice.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If she is a rational person, somewhere on earth there is a place her body, mind, and heart can reside and that is where she needs to be. If she thinks she needs to be with some other guy, I'd help her pack. Let him deal with her drama. I have no desire to be anyone's second choice.


One more observation. My wife is not the type of person to do paperwork, find a place to live, set up utilities etc. In fact, with her free time she still goes to the mall , took my son to the fire station, etc. There is no urgency/planning for someone really moving out in two weeks? She would have no furniture, nothing. Is she really doing this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> One more observation. My wife is not the type of person to do paperwork, find a place to live, set up utilities etc. In fact, with her free time she still goes to the mall , took my son to the fire station, etc. There is no urgency/planning for someone really moving out in two weeks? She would have no furniture, nothing. Is she really doing this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In your mind she wasn't the type to cheat, hide her acts and be this dishonest. You have to stop thinking you know or understand this person.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> One more observation. My wife is not the type of person to do paperwork, find a place to live, set up utilities etc. In fact, with her free time she still goes to the mall , took my son to the fire station, etc. There is no urgency/planning for someone really moving out in two weeks? She would have no furniture, nothing. *Is she really doing this?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe, maybe not.

I would prepare for the worst though. 

Let me ask you ask question...if she did nothing else would you want to just continue as-is?

She's begun rewriting your marital history, accused you of being abusive and apparently taken a Brazilian lover.

In my estimation, she has to make a huge effort to save this. 

Status quo will not save the day.


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Maybe, maybe not.
> 
> I would prepare for the worst though.
> 
> ...


Found out he is moving to atlanta for job relocation. The guy travels a lot for work. He is coming at the same time my wife is moving out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Found out he is moving to atlanta for job relocation. The guy travels a lot for work. He is coming at the same time my wife is moving out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What else do you know about this guy?

Wife, family, etc?

Edit: If you don't also live in Atlanta, you need to get with your attorney and have something put in temporary orders that prevents her from taking your son out of your city.


----------



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> What else do you know about this guy?
> 
> Wife, family, etc?
> 
> Edit: If you don't also live in Atlanta, you need to get with your attorney and have something put in temporary orders that prevents her from taking your son out of your city.


Single. No kids. I am filing monday
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Single. No kids. I am filing monday
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry MM321, don't know how else to procede.

Remember to remain calm, cool and dispassionate. 

Read up on 180.

Remain as engaged as possible with your son. 

Post as often as you want about anything you want. We'll be here.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> One more observation. My wife is not the type of person to do paperwork, find a place to live, set up utilities etc. In fact, with her free time she still goes to the mall , *took my son to the fire station,* etc. There is no urgency/planning for someone really moving out in two weeks? She would have no furniture, nothing. Is she really doing this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did she take a plate of cookies? I'm sorry but this made me chuckle. My husband is a fireman and he tells me that women will show up at the station, dressed up, with a plate of cookies and their kids in tow, asking if their kids can look at the engine. My husband just rolls his eyes to himself and figures these women are trying to find their next husband or boyfriend.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Did she take a plate of cookies? I'm sorry but this made me chuckle. My husband is a fireman and he tells me that women will show up at the station, dressed up, with a plate of cookies and their kids in tow, asking if their kids can look at the engine. My husband just rolls his eyes to himself and figures these women are trying to find their next husband or boyfriend.


Here is my legal dilemma. File right now. However in that case she can make it look like she did nothkng wrong, I am kicking her out, and I need to support her. The upside is less time elapses , the ball gets rolling, and if she take my son less time elapses before a hearing as it might take a couple months. 

Or, wait for her to move. Then it looks like she abandoned me, she are her choice, I don't owe her alimony. Might look better for me for xustody too if she does this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Here is my legal dilemma. File right now. However in that case she can make it look like she did nothkng wrong, I am kicking her out, and I need to support her. The upside is less time elapses , the ball gets rolling, and if she take my son less time elapses before a hearing as it might take a couple months.
> 
> Or, wait for her to move. Then it looks like she abandoned me, she are her choice, I don't owe her alimony. Might look better for me for xustody too if she does this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My attorney friend says to wait. My attorney wants to file immediately, but of course he wants money as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If she is a rational person, somewhere on earth there is a place her body, mind, and heart can reside and that is where she needs to be. If she thinks she needs to be with some other guy, I'd help her pack. Let him deal with her drama. I have no desire to be anyone's second choice.


So I asked my wife this morning what is going on with the process and she gets mad and said "I filed". You will be served"

I call the clerk of courts and nothing has been filed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> So I asked my wife this morning what is going on with the process and she gets mad and said "I filed". You will be served"
> 
> I call the clerk of courts and nothing has been filed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now she texted this.( Inserted fake names)

Jeff, I've been very emotional . Right now I'm crying having lunch with Your son. I want you to know that it has been very hard on me. I apreciatte everything you did to me, I mean it. You are a hard working, responsible man and I hope your son learns a lot from you. You are also selfless simple person that took very good care financially of me and your son. . Your son gets ur love and attention too. You are a good dad and I'll never say anything different to him. You gave me the most precious thing in my life and I'll be forever thankful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> So I asked my wife this morning what is going on with the process and she gets mad and said "I filed". You will be served"
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Stop engaging her in relationship discussion. 

Only talk to her about son. 

You are her emotional dump.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your attorney friend is just that, your friend. I dont know what his speciality is either so he might not be well versed in divorce. He is also talking to you as a friend and knows you would prefer to not be divorced. The attorney you are paying doesn’t have an emotional investment in the situation and is looking at it much more black and white. 

In the world of divorce no one really cares who file first, almost every state is no-fault so from a positioning standpoint or who looks better none of that really comes into play. 

As hard as it is just quit listening to what she is saying right now. Most of it will not make sense, she will contradict herself, what she says in the morning will change by afternoon. It is hard for you but you need to get some emotional distance from her right now so you can get a see the situation better thus making better decisions for you and your son.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Don't erase that text. You might need it.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Don't erase that text. You might need it.


She told me she filed. Once again I am not sure as I have not been served

I traded her car in for somethjng far more affordable. She was shocked, angry, sad etc. 

She has been calling apartments as I noticed on the phone records, and attorneys. 

I seeing my attorney tomorrow am to see what he suggests. I do not want her to take my son out of this home. Her plan is to get a small apartment in the "party area" half hour away with my son
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Google your county's district court clerks website. If there is one, there may be a civil litigant search within.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

if she's calling attorneys she hasn't filed. I would file first before she rabbits with the boy to Atlanta and files and you're stuck going to court in Atlanta. That text sounds like she is saying. "Im sorry to do this to you ..thanks for the kid..bye...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Why are you with an attorney with whom you don't trust their legal opinion and advocacy? What are you paying for then?

I doubt she can jet to Atlanta and file. I would assume Georgia requires a certain length of residency before being eligible. I do feel you should quickly find a professional opinion of someone you trust and take it.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Haiku said:


> Why are you with an attorney with whom you don't trust their legal opinion and advocacy? What are you paying for then?
> 
> I doubt she can jet to Atlanta and file. I would assume Georgia requires a certain length of residency before being eligible. I do feel you should quickly find a professional opinion of someone you trust and take it.


Here is the issue. We moved to a different area 2 years ago that has better schools( my future thinking), and my son loves the yard, basement, garage etc. We have more space. 

Now that my wife is in the affair she wants to move into the city into a small apartment. I am not sure if she plans on living with her new boyfriend or not. 

She just tells me she is moving and taking our son. The problem is that before there is a temporary hearing it might take 2 months. Which means if she takes him and sets up a new residence, the courts are likely to continue with the status quo. 

This bothers me because it will disrupt our son, and her affair might not last. He will lose everything he loves at home. 

In my opinion, since she cheated and wants out, my son should stay put. She will not go for this idea as she wants child support and to establish a new home without losing her son. 

Any ideas how to prevent this? She just met this new man 2 months ago. He is from another country. I do not know him. She barely knows him. It seems I cannot prove enough to a court to get an emergency hearing. I just want to protect my son, but do not want to do anything to jeapordize future custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Any ideas how to prevent this? She just met this new man 2 months ago. He is from another country. I do not know him. She barely knows him. It seems I cannot prove enough to a court to get an emergency hearing. I just want to protect my son, but do not want to do anything to jeapordize future custody.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Time to find a new lawyer. She's cheating and you go before a judge and say "I'm scared she'll take off with international playboy boyfriend." 
You need to go post this issue on dadsdivorce and get some different legal advice.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Time to find a new lawyer. She's cheating and you go before a judge and say "I'm scared she'll take off with international playboy boyfriend."
> You need to go post this issue on dadsdivorce and get some different legal advice.



I was going to give exactly the same advice. 

Dang this crap pizzes me off. 

You say you don't have enough evidence for an emergency hearing. Can you expand on this?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Remind me, have you taken care of money? (Split accounts, cc's, etc)


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Remind me, have you taken care of money? (Split accounts, cc's, etc)


I asked about 15 lawyers the same question. An emergency hearing cannot be filed unless there is proof of imminent danger. Her telling me she will take off in two weeks does not qualify. 

Yes money is taken care of. I filed today and she was served. She has a lawyer retained but did not file yet. She seemed shocked. I feel much better and more secure. 

She then told her lawyer she wasn't going to come home. My lawyer found out and was pretty upset. She got home at 7 and we haven't talked. I played with my son, gave him a bath, and put him in bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Here is the issue. We moved to a different area 2 years ago that has better schools( my future thinking), and my son loves the yard, basement, garage etc. We have more space.
> 
> Now that my wife is in the affair she wants to move into the city into a small apartment. I am not sure if she plans on living with her new boyfriend or not.
> 
> ...


You have enough evidence to get an emergency hearing. You may not have enough to win a full blown case but you dont need that at the moment. She is threatening to take your son away and live with another who could possibly take them out of the country. 

The emergency hearing would put temporary orders in place as a bridge to get to a full hearing. Its better to go on the offensive now than chase her after she has left.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

honcho said:


> You have enough evidence to get an emergency hearing. You may not have enough to win a full blown case but you dont need that at the moment. She is threatening to take your son away and live with another who could possibly take them out of the country.
> 
> The emergency hearing would put temporary orders in place as a bridge to get to a full hearing. Its better to go on the offensive now than chase her after she has left.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Brazil is a problem country.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Brazil is a problem country.


Yes it is. And while it seems to make sense, it simply does not qualify for an emergency hearing. She didn't do anythjng. Still lives with me. It would be my word against hers. This isn't one lawyer I asked. They all said the same thing. Perhaps it also depends on where you live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hound your attorney to request a temporary custody order to prevent her from taking your son out of the jurisdiction. Until you have an order she can move your son to her party apt and you have no options but to wait for the full hearing.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Hound your attorney to request a temporary custody order to prevent her from taking your son out of the jurisdiction. Until you have an order she can move your son to her party apt and you have no options but to wait for the full hearing.


The temporary hearing is set up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Cheaters have an amazing sense of entitlement. 

They think they can begin a new life with their children and you'll just go away somewhere and send checks.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Cheaters have an amazing sense of entitlement.
> 
> They think they can begin a new life with their children and you'll just go away somewhere and send checks.


Exactly. Like I never even existed. Sort of like "ok thanks for the kid. Send me some money it's the law! "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Exactly. Like I never even existed. Sort of like "ok thanks for the kid. Send me some money it's the law! "
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Carry a var on you at all times when dealing with her.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Carry a var on you at all times when dealing with her.


I am clearly the better parent but now it just comes down to who will get primary custody. She takes him to day cAre and teaches, but she wants to move out of the home and take him to a small apartment in the city. . She also has a very low paying job. She also left us twice within the past 3 months for a total of 21 days. I had to watch our son, work, arrange and pay for childcare etc. In the past year and a half she also left for brazil with him and stayed an extra 50 days saying she will just move there and I should send money. I had to contact the state dept and go there to finally convince her to come back. 

I never left the home for one night. I wake my son up. Give him breakfast. Play with him for two hours every night, give him a bath, read him a book and put him in bed. I have had the same job for 17 years. He is in the home he is used to and loves. Big yard, basement etc.

I also have the ability to make my own schedule. Perhaps have a nanny twice a week, daycare etc. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Journal everything. Every meal, every trip, every bedtime story, and every time she doesn't.
This will help in your claim for custody.
The fact that she's taken the child out of the country and forced you to enlist the State Dept., will also be extremely powerful evidence for the court. No judge wants to award custody to someone who leaves the country with the kid.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I did some dumb things, but custody was the only thing I did correctly. I read these stories and I count myself lucky.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Take your sons passport and give it to your lawyer.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

the guy said:


> Take your sons passport and give it to your lawyer.


Here is the thing. She wants to move out and in with her new boyfriend and take my son. Right now I live in the top school district. She wants to move to the party district. 

She makes 600 a month and has no credit. So while she might lie about her new boyfriend, would a judge really uproot a child and put him into an apartment with a woman that has her track record? 
Overnight he would lose his yard, soccer field, sand box, car to drive in the culture de sac, etc. Everythjng he loves. 

The temporary hearing will be vital.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

the guy said:


> Take your sons passport and give it to your lawyer.


Here is the thing. She wants to move out and in with her new boyfriend and take my son. Right now I live in the top school district. She wants to move to the party district. 

She makes 600 a month and has no credit. So while she might lie about her new boyfriend, would a judge really uproot a child and put him into an apartment with a woman that has her track record? 
Overnight he would lose his yard, soccer field, sand box, car to drive in the culture de sac, etc. Everythjng he loves. 

What she has been doing for the past two weeks is leaving with him for work at 730 and bringing him home at 7. She only works until 1230. She says she goes to the mall or similar places. Obviously trying to keep him away so I can't see him. 
The temporary hearing will be vital.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Here is the thing. She wants to move out and in with her new boyfriend and take my son. Right now I live in the top school district. She wants to move to the party district.
> 
> She makes 600 a month and has no credit. So while she might lie about her new boyfriend, would a judge really uproot a child and put him into an apartment with a woman that has her track record?
> Overnight he would lose his yard, soccer field, sand box, car to drive in the culture de sac, etc. Everythjng he loves.
> ...


The hearing will be important, she will view custody of the child as a child support/income stream. You will need to show why you are a better parent and why she doesnt have the bests interests of the child in mind and you do.

Judges dont care about school districts or sandboxes or completely uprooting and changing the childs life. That is real life and unfortunately the way it is. 

You need to show how she left and abandoned the child going to brazil. Her unwillingness to care for the child now. Those kinds of things. You will get much farther when she tries explaining to a judge that she left the country for weeks on end to visit her boyfriend and anything else.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

honcho said:


> The hearing will be important, she will view custody of the child as a child support/income stream. You will need to show why you are a better parent and why she doesnt have the bests interests of the child in mind and you do.
> 
> Judges dont care about school districts or sandboxes or completely uprooting and changing the childs life. That is real life and unfortunately the way it is.
> 
> You need to show how she left and abandoned the child going to brazil. Her unwillingness to care for the child now. Those kinds of things. You will get much farther when she tries explaining to a judge that she left the country for weeks on end to visit her boyfriend and anything else.


Exactly. If I am a "bad dad" why did she leave me alone for 21 days with him. She found a babysitter off the internet and never even checked references. I had to cancel this woman and find someone I knew a day before. I can exhibit stability and I hope goes a long way. 

How will she explain her new apartment? Where she is getting money from? How will a judge feel leaving her with a kid of her only answer is "this new man I just met while being married is sending money"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> Exactly. If I am a "bad dad" why did she leave me alone for 21 days with him. She found a babysitter off the internet and never even checked references. I had to cancel this woman and find someone I knew a day before. I can exhibit stability and I hope goes a long way.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You have to document everything. 

She can afford her apartment because she's counting on your child support or OM's support. 

She probably thinks you won't fight her on custody. 

Unfortunately, depending in your state, she probably has a legitimate reason to believe she'll get your son without any trouble.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> You have to document everything.
> 
> She can afford her apartment because she's counting on your child support or OM's support.
> 
> ...


Sadly prepare for the worst.
I hope the best for you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Exactly. If I am a "bad dad" why did she leave me alone for 21 days with him. She found a babysitter off the internet and never even checked references. I had to cancel this woman and find someone I knew a day before. I can exhibit stability and I hope goes a long way.
> 
> How will she explain her new apartment? Where she is getting money from? How will a judge feel leaving her with a kid of her only answer is "this new man I just met while being married is sending money"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She will explain her new apartment that you have been a bad husband and couldn't take it anymore. She will say she has no money and needs it from you. Don't underestimate her and don't think she will be truthful. 

In many states just because she is the mom she will get primary custody. Its many times and uphill battle unfortunately. You will need to show she is unfit for custody so like other have said, document and gather evidence and be prepared.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I think what amazes me most is that she had an affair. She is breaking up our family for a guy she knows for a couple of months. We have a 3 yr old son. I have to spend a Lot on an attorney. I got into a car accident and need physical therapy. My business has suffered.y life is upside down. 

And what does she complain about daily? That I traded in the jeep Cherokee for a a more affordable car and is demanding I get her an SUV. 

Meanwhile I still pay every single bill. Even her cell phone.


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