# Busted my SIL in an EA, now what to do?



## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

My husband and I are thinking there is nothing left to do, but I found this site and hope that you wonderful people can shed some light on the matter.

I busted my sister-in-law in an EA (not sure if it's gone physical). This is the sister of my husband.
My SIL is late 20's, has been married to BIL for 5 years, and have two small children (ages 4 and 2).

I'll try and break it down by timeline.
*
3 weeks ago*: 

I noticed that SIL was getting more texts than usual. 
Although none of her other contacts has a ring tone or text tone,
she had assigned a very loud one for one person in particular. Each
time the phone went off, she would not hesitate to go get, 
regardless of what she was doing.

2.5 weeks ago:

SIL's phone was rec'g text msg's and I was closest to the phone. I 
grabbed it to walk it over to her, and while I was holding it, 
it kept going off. 1 text. 2 texts. 3 texts. 4 texts. 5 texts. 
All from a contact we'll call John.

2 weeks ago

It's established that John and SIL/BIL are all best friends and
have known each other since they were 10 years old. BIL
seems to have no problem with John texting SIL repeatedly.
He makes a comment that they all go "way, way, way back."

8 days ago

SIL updated her facebook status. John commented on it, and
I followed. The thread resulted in over 70 comments and him
referencing his ex-wife. John seemed to be funny, and a made
me crack up...something a single girlfriend of mine is looking 
for in a man. I clicked on John's FB, PM'd him a pic of my 
friend, and said "what do you think?" He said "she's beautiful!"
Within a minute or so, he's giving me his cell phone to give 
to her. I do not tell my SIL this at that time, because it's late and
I figure I'll just tell her sometime the next day.

Next day, 7 days ago

At 6:30am I receive a text msg from SIL. She has never txt
msg'd me this early. She asks me a mundane question that
she already knows the answer to, but I answer it again to be
polite. One minute later, she asks "what's up with my friend
and that chick?" and it catches me off guard. She follows up
with 5 or 6 questions, all referencing my friend, "that chick."

6 days ago

John and my friend begin texting. SIL tells me I'm going to 
have to give her the gossip in regards to them because John
won't give her any. I ask why. She says she doesn't know. 
We make conversation and she seems over protective of 
John. I ask her point blank if she's having an emotional affair
with this man and she denies it. She advises me they have
a long history together, yes they are flirty, but her 
husband/BIL knows all about it and he's fine and isn't jealous.

5 days ago

John and my friend are still texting. 
SIL updates her FB status with "sometimes you wanna grab
someone by the shoulders and yell at them, but you just
put it on a facebook status instead."

A couple hours later at 11pm, she updates her status with
"it's funny how you work so hard to get something back, but
in the blink of an eye it's gone." 

I was already expecting a call from her, and when she does
return my call, she sounds upset. It's now midnight and it
sounds like she's in the car. I ask her where she's going. 
She says she's going to the store to pick up milk for her 
2 year old. She tells me, after my prodding, that yes her 
husband knows she left and yes she leaves this late to 
pick up milk often. She tells me 
she bought the milk while on the phone with me, but
nothing I hear even remotely sounds like her getting out of a 
car, going into a store, paying, etc. I assume that she's fighting
with her husband/my BIL, and after asking a few times what he
did wrong, she replies "we're fine." It takes a few seconds for
me to realize who she's arguing with.
She tells me that her and John are fighting. She refuses to 
tell me about what. When I accuse her of an EA, she says
they fight, and they have for years. It's what they do. 
She also advises me that she unfriended him on FB, but 
she's probably just being dramatic. She tells me not to worry about 
it, and this is just how it works in their 17 year long friendship.


2nd part following...


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> . BIL
> seems to have no problem with John texting SIL repeatedly.
> He makes a comment that they all go "way, way, way back."





> She advises me they have
> a long history together, yes they are flirty, but her
> husband/BIL knows all about it and he's fine and isn't jealous.


BIL is naive and doesn't have a clue on how men/women relationships work. He and his kids may pay dearly for his "trust".


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> My husband and I are thinking there is nothing left to do, but I found this site and hope that you wonderful people can shed some light on the matter.
> 
> I busted my sister-in-law in an EA (not sure if it's gone physical). This is the sister of my husband.
> My SIL is late 20's, has been married to BIL for 5 years, and have two small children (ages 4 and 2).
> ...


This sounds like your SIL is too attached to this guy, but he is not attached to her. 

Sounds, like SHE wants and affair and is now jealous of his new relationship. 

It's also a possibility SIL lied to john and instigated what she promised to be only a SEXUAL relationship, but in reality, like most cheating wives, she was hoping to trade out her spouse.

Edited to add:

There is absolutely no reason why a married women needs to have a close male friend. That's what gal friends are for. 

Your Bro' is naive.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Expose. FFS would one person in history do the decent thing by all aggrieved parties and expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

The most you can do at this point in time is bring up how you feel the situation looks from your perspective BIL and let him decide on what he wants to do. Point out everything that looks out of place.

Worst thing to do is confront SIL with it any further as she will most likely hide it all and go underground which will make it harder to gather evidence later. You may have already pushed her enough that she will start going underground.

I suppose you can try and get your friend to question John and say that your SIL is acting weird about their new relationship. He may feel as if he can confide in her, probably to early in the relationship though.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Sorry, I fell asleep last night with the lap top right next to me, so I'm gonna write the second part...


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I would bring it to the attention of your BIL how uncomfortable the relationship is starting to make you. Tell him that he might want to dig a little into their friendship.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You and your husband need to talk to bil and let him no this is not normal for a married woman. What he does after that is up to him, I hope he steps it up for his sake.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Continued...

*4 days ago:*

In the morning, I have another heart to heart with my SIL. I try another tactic to have her open up to me. She says I'm just being a conspiracy theorist. She assures me that BIL knows everything and she hides nothing. After asking her, she says she's not threatened by my friend and her relationship with John, she's just over protective. 
I think at this point, I'm still stuck not wanting to believe it, but knowing I can't ignore the signs.

About a hour later, my friend advises me that while she's still texting with John, it's hard because they are running out of things to discuss and it is a lil' awkward.
I decide to open up a FB chat with John, my friend, and myself. I open up the convo and we chat for a bit. I then add my BIL to the mix, since he's suppose to be one of John's BFF's. 

We proceed to add to the convo whenever we can during our working hours, but in the evening, it picks up and everyone is adding to the chat. The FB'g goes on to 2:30 in the morning and during most of the night, we r in tears because it's so hilarious. Around 9pm, we're so comfortable with each other that we are already discussing what movie to go see and what restaurant to go to after for drinks. Everyone is in, with the exception that my BIL who won't confirm that he can go, because I need to talk to my SIL first.
I text her asking if she's down with going to the movies with all 6 of us (John/my friend, my husband and I, her and her husband) so we can make John and my friend feel comfortable. She replies "na, na thank you." I just reply "wow." 
I'm angry. She's digging a grave for herself and wearing her heart on her sleeve for this guy.

*3 days ago:*

The FB chat continues with all of us. I have to call and ask my BIL for a favor, but while doing so, I ask if my SIL told him she didn't want to go with all of us to the movies. He says that does know and that SIL told him that she was okay with the 4 of them going, but when my husband and I got in the mix, that she would be worried about how he/her brother would take it. I asked BIL what he meant by that. He said "yeah, she thinks that you won't like the way we all joke around with John. We go way back and things can get out of hand."

I'm stuck holding the bag, and although I want to go on the FB chat and say that plans fell through because SIL doesn't wanna go, I know I should wait until I can tell my husband and explain what happened.

In the early afternoon, SIL texts me and I end up calling her because I hate writing consecutive long texts when we can just talk on the phone. She confirms what BIL said about being afraid my husband might not approve of how they joke around. However, rather than saying that her bro/my husband won't like how they _all_ joke around, she says "I don't think my brother would like how _John and I_ joke around. 
He might jump over the table and try and kill John if he sees how we joke and see John tickling me or something." And then when she says that, it dawns on me how high school this all is.
She adds that my husband might even get mad at BIL, because he's allowing it to happen, but she says they've been this way for 17 years. It's not a big deal. 
She makes it sound like she feels left out and maybe even a little bitter, because she wasn't included in the chat. She says that's the only thing going on and she didn't want to go to the movies, because when she first meets someone new, she can act *****y. I decide to add her to the chat.

*2 days ago:*

The FB chat is now different. Although I have to admit, the previous day that John behaved differently (he wouldn't comment on a picture that I posted of my friend on a group chat, he would only send me private messages about her. Later it was revealed that SIL was spying on the chat even before she was invited. Duh, right!). It's not as fun. SIL is touchy and doesn't joke around about much. The only thing she jokes around about is John. At one point, she disappears for a while and when she comes back, it's like everyone in the chat is nonexistant. It's just her and John going back and forth. My friend calls and tells me it's awkward. 

*1 day ago:*

We go over to SIL and BIL's for dinner. SIL starts talking about the FB chat and how funny it is. She references "what's her face." Oh! She's talking about my friend. Apparently my friends name, throughout the evening, is "what's her face."

BIL/SIL are starting to push other men on me to set up with my friend. I forgot to add that earlier in the chat, it was discovered that my friend is older than John, and this kinda scared my friend off a bit and she told him she just wanted to start off as friends, without it being labeled a real date.

I told BIL/SIL that not write them off just yet, because John and my friend are still texting on the side. My SIL makes a face. She's not happy. My BIL asks what I mean and then says "ohhh, they are talking on the side? Away from the FB chat?" 
He didn't know either. She's not happy. 

We leave their house around 10pm. Chatting has been continuing though between all of us. 

Around 11:30pm the same night, FINALLY everyone agrees to a movie. 11:45pm my friend says she's "talking to John right now. Will find out what date is good for him." 

Around midnight SIL replies. (She's had her LOCATION feature activated on FB this entire time, and she's at home during this post).

12:15 SIL replies. 

12:51 SIL replies, but now from a city 20 minutes away. 

I comment on the FB post and joke around, thinking that because both of our iPhones have been freezing lately, it may attribute to an error. I look at the EXACT location and it shows her up on a lookout spot (mountain area) overlooking the entire valley.

Since it shows her in just a crazy spot, up in the mountains, I jokingly call her out on this. 

Around 2am, I get up because it never really leaves my mind. Let's be honest, the facebook location feature has never screwed up for me. It's always put me exactly where I'm at.

I investigate. 

At 12:51 she's up in the mountain. At 12:15, it shows her in our city that we both live in, but not at her house. I go back to the midnight post, and she is at her house. I look up the address she posted from at 12:15 and write it down.

I do a lil' investigating. I find that one of the addresses listed for John, is the address she's at. I'm still refusing to believe it. Maybe it's an error. What if I'm wrong? 

I go to John's facebook and see where he's been posting from. If he's checked into where he lives. Trying to narrow it down.
I'm literally at the last post I can see, made from June of this year where his status reads "here at my home away from home. I love this place. I come here to clear my head." And where is he? Up at the lookout spot up in the mountain.

*To be continued...*


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Since her husband is aware of what she's doing, I think you are a bit too in the middle of all this. I'd step back at this point.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Continued...

There is no doubt about it, but I still question whether BIL let her go out. Yes, he's that naive about her relationship with John and has been making excuses with her the entire time. 

Really though, I'm wondering if my friends post that she was talking to John at that very moment, coupled with the fact that she didn't know they were texting on the side, pushed my SIL over the edge.

I'm up all night. I don't get a wink of sleep. When my husband wakes up at 4:30am, I spill all the details to him. He doesn't know what to do and it's wayyyyy to early in the morning for him to think clearly. 

At 4am, I text John "are you with her up on the lookout spot" and he doesn't reply. I know he's up, I can tell he's looking at the FB chat. 

At 6am he replies "why would I be there? I was zzzzz, dreaming about your friend." What a line, this guy!!

At 6:30am my husband calls and while talking to him, my phone alerts are going off. One after another, after another. It's the FB chat. John is on first, just writing posts about how he's awake and everyone is asleep and for everyone to wake up. But the posts are all separated. 6 of them go off at once, but he's sending them one at a time. 

Two minutes later, my SIL gets on and does the same thing. My phone alerts are going crazy. 

When I hang up the phone, I can finally see what they're doing. They're burying her post from the previous night and when I jokingly call her out on it. They are making it so my BIL has to scroll up to see the previous conversation, something I know he won't do.

Also, they've never added to the chat so early in the morning. Usually, I post first in the day. Actually, I always have. I'll post like "I trust everyone is having a good afternoon?" and then they'll follow up.

Now they're just talking to each other, but not saying much. Just burying the damning post.

It looks like this, taken from what I wrote when I saw she was in another city:

2 am Me: Why is *** in another city? WTH?
2 am Me: SIL, what are you doing up on the mountain? Is John there with you? lol
6am John: Me?
6:01am John: She wasn't with me.
John: zzzzz
John: Good morning.
John: Wake up
John: wake up
John: wake up
John: boring
John: nobody here
John: im all alone on here

and so it goes.

I have John's number, from when he gave it to me to give to my friend, and I call him around 7am. I decide to go with the aspect of "what do I do? You guys busted yourselves and now if her husband logs into the chat, he's gonna see it" to save the hassle of arguing whether he was with her or not.

It goes like this:

Me: John?
Him: Hey.
Me: I'm gonna get to the point, does BIL know about you guys being out last night?
Him: What?
Me: I'm not even going to argue about this. It's not up for debate. Does he know or is she gonna tell him? 
Him: I wasn't with her.
Me: C'mon John. I can tell you exactly where she was at and when. Lets not go there.
Him: Na for reals, she wasn't with me.
Me: John, if I can see, so can her husband. I don't know whether to end the chat or what. He's gonna see it just like I did.
Him: Pause.
Him: Na, she was with my family probably.
Me: I don't like being lied to and her husband could be looking at this right now. Let's cut the bullsh-t. I'm not trying to out you guys. You're doing it yourselves.
Him: Pause. How is she doing that?
Me: Doing what?
Him: That you can see her?
Me: Her facebook location?
Him: Yeah.
Me: She has it on (I don't want to say much more than that).
Him: But how is she doing that?
Me: John, what happened?
Him: Na, it must be wrong. Her phone was messed up probably.
Me: We aren't talking about a crappy GPS here. We're talking about an iphone, that if I log in the chat right now and turn my location on, it will show you exactly where I'm standing, down to the side of the street I'm on.
Him: Pause. Na, na. 

I'm pissed and hang up.
5 minutes later he text msg'd "she was at my home."
I called him back but he didn't answer. 

20 minutes after that text, John logs into the chat and starts talking to himself.

He writes:

Hi.
Hello.
It's not working.
Now it did.

From my laptop, I can't see what he's doing. Why he's talking to himself, but from my phone, it's easy to see. He's messing around with the location feature to see how she's giving herself away. On the last post when he says "now it did", his location goes from being off, to on, and being able to see exactly where he's at.

I call my husband and we really don't know what to do. I ask my friend to leave the chat, because I don't want her in this drama. I add my husband to the chat, then have him leave, simply for the sake of knowing if I were to leave the chat, if I'll still be able to see it after. I can.

I leave the chat as well and unfriend John. A couple hours later, everyone has left the chat including BIL. I'm not sure if he left the chat himself or if SIL logged into this account and did it for him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

costa200 said:


> BIL is naive and doesn't have a clue on how men/women relationships work. He and his kids may pay dearly for his "trust".


Indeed.



> She advises me they have
> a long history together, yes they are flirty, but her
> husband/BIL knows all about it and he's fine and isn't jealous.


Which is all well and good but does not address the EA question at all. Her husband being ok with it is very important as to the "level" of unfaithfulness but I agree he is just naive.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cali_chick said:


> Continued...
> 
> *4 days ago:*
> 
> ...


We shall see where this goes. I do agree there is something not right here, but indeed I am seeing your role in all of this match making albeit with plausible reasoning as being obsessive in itself. There seems to be a huge amount of FBing and bonding going amongst a number of folks. Maybe this is common these days but you seem very very involved here.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> We shall see where this goes. I do agree there is something not right here, but indeed I am seeing your role in all of this match making albeit with plausible reasoning as being obsessive in itself. There seems to be a hugge amount of FBing and binding going amongst a number of folks. Maybe this is common these days but you seem very very involved here.


OVERLY involved. WAY OVERLY involved.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> We shall see where this goes. I do agree there is something not right here, but indeed I am seeing your role in all of this match making albeit with plausible reasoning as being obsessive in itself. There seems to be a hugge amount of FBing and binding going amongst a number of folks. Maybe this is common these days but you seem very very involved here.


I updated with one more post as to what happened after.

I left the chat, had my friend leave the chat, and unfriended John.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cali_chick said:


> Continued...
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


Wow. Ok so indeed you found what looks like a smoking .... ummm ... gun.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

norajane said:


> OVERLY involved. WAY OVERLY involved.


Updated with one more post. 

Left the chat, had my friend leave the chat, and unfriended John.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

So obviously, her husband didn't know she was out with him, let alone driving to where they went.
She left her two young kids at home to be with this guy.

Husband is disappointed and sad. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. 
We're really close with them. SIL is one of my best friends. Well, was. I didn't intend on that in the beginning, I've seen close SIL friendships blow up. 
I'm bummed as well. Is it normal to become disillusioned with marriage after watching something like this? She's one of those people that you'd think would never do this, let alone sneak out of the house and do what she did.

It's obvious when she was on the phone with me one night, she wasn't leaving to get milk. Just going to his house.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Thanks for your replies so far! I guess what we are all thinking has already been confirmed, to leave as is.

After discussing this with my mom, who is not one liking anyone being overly involved in any drama, she wasn't critical of me. I guess though, it's different since she knows the relationship we all have, including the close one I have with SIL. 
My mom knew from the beginning and called out the EA from the get go. I thought it was more one sided, like my SIL was obsessed with the OM.
My mom disagreed and said that because she's married and has two young kids, to try and be an ear to her. To gently advise her against this, which is why I had 2 talks with her. To no avail.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> However, rather than saying that her bro/my husband won't like how they all joke around, she says "I don't think my brother would like how John and I joke around.
> He might jump over the table and try and kill John if he sees how we joke and see John tickling me or something."


Your husband is a guy. He knows what those playful "jokes" are about. That's the real issue. Just because her husband is either blind, superbly naive or is ok with being a cuckhold, it doesn't mean your husband won't see right through her bull****. 

But what is this? Facebook being used to bust a cheater instead of helping the affair? It's the end of the world as we know it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cali_chick said:


> I updated with one more post as to what happened after.
> 
> I left the chat, had my friend leave the chat, and unfriended John.


I do see where this went. 

But since the guy admitted that she was at his home I would be drawn to let the BIL know this. He may already know.

If the BIL law says no big deal then you have done what you can. They may have an open marriage of some kind. It appears they do whether it is thre BILs intent or not. The fact the guy lied here is a huge issue.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Since SIL said that BIL knows what the relationship between Jihn and her is like, then you can "assume" that BIL knows and you should have no problem saying to him "how can you let SIL go to John's house last night?"

When he said he didn't know, just say "well SIL told us you know all about their relationship."

Catty? Yes, but needs to be done/


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I do see where this went.
> 
> But since the guy admitted that she was at his home I would be drawn to let the BIL know this. He may already know.
> 
> If the BIL law says no big deal then you have done what you can. They may have an open marriage of some kind. It appears they do whether it is thre BILs intent or not. *The fact the guy lied here is a huge issue*.


Yeah, I felt the same way. I was unsure if my BIL knew about it, until OM logged into the chat (where we were all at) and said "me" and then "she wasn't with me?!?!" for everyone to see. 

Then to proceed to lie about it over the phone repeatedly. The last posts from SIL, she finally turned off her location. They had been on the entire time.

What probably happened is, she snuck out (my SIL, who goes to school, makes my BIL put the kids to bed and then sleep with them) or she told him the youngest was out of milk and would run to the store.
I'm sure that on the one occasion that she was on the phone with me at a lil' past midnight, she wasn't really going to the store, she was going to the OM house. 

BIL works in construction, so when he knocks out, he's dead to the night.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Talk to SIL again.

This looks like a PA. Does your H know ?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

What does your H do for a living?


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Talk to SIL again.
> 
> This looks like a PA. Does your H know ?


Yes he does. I made him fully aware of everything, including the fact that I've tried speaking to her 2x's already. 

On one occasion, I group text msg'd my BIL about a football pool we are all involved in and he wasn't making much sense. It was early in the morning, and he replied back "sorry. tired. it was a long night. SIL is in a bad mood and not speaking to me or anyone. she's really mad this morning. tell everyone to stay away for a while."

Then on the FB chat, John writes to SIL (a hour after I hear about what a bad mood she's in): "Did u get my good morning text back? You are in a good mood this morning!"

I tried to use this as an example to SIL to stay away from OM. 
I said "if you find yourself ignoring your husband and not speaking to him and being angry, but let's say you're texting OM good morning and good night and can't wait to hear from him, you're going into dangerous territory." 
She didn't have a response.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Ovid said:


> What does your H do for a living?


He's a sales rep for a beer company.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

It is a PA. Either the BIL is ok with it or is in denial.

If it was not a PA there would not have been reason for the lying.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> It is a PA. Either the BIL is ok with it or is in denial.
> 
> If it was not a PA there would not have been reason for the lying.


Yes, I'm with you there. It more than likely is a PA, why else drive up the mountain 1/2 hr away to park and look at the stars and look down on the valley we live in? There are plenty of places here to park and talk. I guess first, they met up at his house and left in his car.

I don't think they have an open marriage. Previously, BIL was talking to an old high school friend through FB msg'g. SIL kicked him to the living room for a week. She was hurt that he was communicating with this girl, and not disclosing it.
According to her, there was no flirting between BIL and this girl, there were only updates on their lives. But it disrupted her so much, she made it clear he had to win back her trust.

I think BIL looks at OM as his close friend to and just chooses to close his eyes to it. Well that, and she's sneaking out of the house at midnight. Or she's telling him she's running to the store to buy milk.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> On one occasion, I group text msg'd my BIL about a football pool we are all involved in and he wasn't making much sense. It was early in the morning, and he replied back "sorry. tired. it was a long night. SIL is in a bad mood and not speaking to me or anyone. she's really mad this morning. tell everyone to stay away for a while."
> 
> Then on the FB chat, John writes to SIL (a hour after I hear about what a bad mood she's in): "Did u get my good morning text back? You are in a good mood this morning!"
> 
> ...


 She knows damm well what's she's doing, only she doesn't give a damm. Fog = excuse.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Another thing I forgot to add, we're suppose to go to dinner tonight over there. She is suppose to text me today around 3pm to confirm. I wonder if I'll get a text, because this was discussed before all this happened.

It's been only a lil' over 24 hours since this happened, and I don't know how I should act. I really don't even want to go. I guess I'll wait to see if she even texts me, and if she does, what my husband says about it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you can forget the dinner


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> you can forget the dinner


Yea dinner would be awkward to say the least. I wonder how many other times she snuck out? You notice how she projected on bil by making him sleep on the couch, well I guess it's her turn for the couch.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> Another thing I forgot to add, we're suppose to go to dinner tonight over there. She is suppose to text me today around 3pm to confirm. I wonder if I'll get a text, because this was discussed before all this happened.
> 
> It's been only a lil' over 24 hours since this happened, and I don't know how I should act. I really don't even want to go. I guess I'll wait to see if she even texts me, and if she does,* what my husband says about it*.


There you go. You see, whether you approve of her lifestyle or not, she is and always will be your H's sister. Let your husband decide what to do about this. Even if (worse case scenario) your SIL gets caught, it gets messy, and she D her H, she still will be your SIL and your H's sister. Her H will then be out of the picture. You are stuck with her (relatively speaking).

That doesn't mean you have to hang around her, approve of her, support her decisions or even like her much. That only means that she is related to your H by blood, and no matter what she does, your H will love her. So let HIM decide what to do about this.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

My husband is thinking about calling the guy, but he's gonna wait until tomorrow to decide.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

I hate to bring this up, but I really suspect that they have been in a long term affair probably for years. One of those kids let alonr both may very well be Johns. I am serious about this. Not good for the BIL


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The bishop said:


> I hate to bring this up, but I really suspect that they have been in a long term affair probably for years. One of those kids let alonr both may very well be Johns. I am serious about this. Not good for the BIL


Good point tell bil to get the kids dna tested if nothing more than to shock her out of this crap!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I'll be glad when Fvckbook finally goes the way of MySpace. If not for it, I'd probably still be married (at least until the ex found another way to hook up with old boyfriends.)

Personally, I like my privacy.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Personally Cali chick, I think what you did was awesome. 

I don't understand some posters saying you were overly involved. This is your family we're talking about, right?

Why wouldn't you get involved if you noticed something off? 

Being that its HIS sister, Did your husband tell you to back off? 

If not, then you are in the clear. Good work Nancy Drew!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Your H needs to ask your BIL how he got into the wittol lifestyle, erroneously referred to by illiterate pervs as a cuckold lifestyle. The actions of the BIL, being subservient to the SIL on and providing child care while she goes out on dates and actively tries to steer interested women like your friend away from his wife's lover are strong indicators that he's deeply into this fetish. Also the fact that outside relationships are allowed for her and not for him is an indicator. Female entitlement and male sexual denial is something these freaks really get wrapped around. 

Let your H say something to BIL confidentially along the lines of, "How in the world did SIL talk you into the hot wife lifestyle?" Have him watch closely for the reaction.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Your H needs to ask your BIL how he got into the wittol lifestyle, erroneously referred to by illiterate pervs as a cuckold lifestyle. *The actions of the BIL, being subservient to the SIL on and providing child care while she goes out on dates and actively tries to steer interested women like your friend away from his wife's lover are strong indicators that he's deeply into this fetish. Also the fact that outside relationships are allowed for her and not for him is an indicator. Female entitlement and male sexual denial is something these freaks really get wrapped around*.
> 
> Let your H say something to BIL confidentially along the lines of, "How in the world did SIL talk you into the hot wife lifestyle?" Have him watch closely for the reaction.


Nice call. You may be wrong but it has the indications that you are right. Someone who has not read anything about that 'lifestyle' may not see the comparison is right on. It may be a coincidence, how the BIL acts and the cuckold fetish, but there are many similar boxes checked off.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Nice call. You may be wrong but it has the indications that you are right. Someone who has not read anything about that 'lifestyle' may not see the comparison is right on. It may be a coincidence, how the BIL acts and the cuckold fetish, but there are many similar boxes checked off.


I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. IIRC OP said BIL was acting sad. More likely shame as exposure approaches. Some guys will do anything to get their wife to give up the snatch a little more, but at what cost?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep it's a PA and probably has gone on for a long time.

She makes her husband sleep with the kids? Yep... a long time.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

jfv said:


> Personally Cali chick, I think what you did was awesome.
> 
> I don't understand some posters saying you were overly involved. This is your family we're talking about, right?
> 
> ...


LOL, thanks. No, he never told me to back off. 

Bells were ringing from the get go, and even though I was trying to hook up OM with my friend, I think I was really trying to get SIL's reaction. I realize that now. 

However, I did it not because I'm being nosy or obsessed (as I think others implied)...but I wanted to get her out of it, before it got to the point it's at now. 
She has two young boys at home. 

Imagine, had she realized what the Facebook Location feature was for, from the get-go? I would have never caught her.

And after the fact, I thought my husband and mom would both be angry when I told them that I called the OM, but they weren't at all. They were glad that he confirmed it after the repeated lies, and I have proof of it on text. Also, in turn, it just goes to show BIL had no idea.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Funny, we didn't get an invite to dinner last night.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yep it's a PA and probably has gone on for a long time.
> 
> She makes her husband sleep with the kids? Yep... a long time.


Yes. It's sad to watch. She is very ungrateful in that regard (amongst others). He works early in the morning into the evening hours, and when he returns home, she's constantly getting on his case about feeding the kids, changing diapers, putting them to sleep, etc. 

Besides dinner and going to school a few hours out of the day, she isn't too busy with all of the help she gets.


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

OP - the part you're not understanding is - not EVERYONE shares your view about monogamy. 

To some guys, watching their spouse with another man is something they seek out.

By you imposing your view of what a traditional marriage should be, you're not letting the people actually involved in it, define it for themselves. 

It's great that you want to help family, but there's a fine line between imposing yourself into something you don't understand, and being helpful. 

Considering you're not there for the bedroom/fantasy discussions, I'd be hesitant to make things public and try to expose...if the husband gives every indication he's okay with their relationships (which you may mistake as him being "naive"). 

I would talk to him privately, express your suspicions and tell him your evidence - but leave it as that!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

NickCampbell said:


> OP - the part you're not understanding is - not EVERYONE shares your view about monogamy.
> 
> To some guys, watching their spouse with another man is something they seek out.
> 
> ...


Where is YOUR evidence that this is something he's seeking out?
maybe he's just incredibly beta. 

It is unrealistic to believe that Cali chick would make the leap straight to open marriage or hotwife based on what she's seen so far. 

Maybe it is indeed the case, but NOW is the point when she would find this out, only AFTER figuring out there is something going on to begin with, not before. 

I imagine that if he's cool with it he'll express it in some way or she'll be told to back off by someone but until then...occam's razor.

I do agree with your last line.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jfv said:


> Where is YOUR evidence that this is something he's seeking out?
> *maybe he's just incredibly beta.*



According to the OP, BIL is letting these two carry on right in his own face with the dirty talk and "tickling" to the point that SIL openly states to OP that OP and H are going to get the "wrong idea" when they see SIL and POS in action. If BIL really is this incredibly beta, then having the H tell him he's coming off like a pansy-a$$ "****" fetishist should snap him out of his fog pretty fast. It will at least make him sniff the air some.



jfv said:


> It is unrealistic to believe that Cali chick would make the leap straight to open marriage or hotwife based on what she's seen so far.


The original idea was to have an approach tack that provided a way for the H to express to the BIL how over the top the behaviors of POS and SIL really are. For whatever reason BIL seems willfully blinded to reality. If it's not willful blindness, asking BIL how he got into the lifestyle should give him quite a jolt. If he's innocent. If he's complicit it'll still give him quite a jolt to know he's outed.



jfv said:


> I imagine that if he's cool with it he'll express it in some way or she'll be told to back off by someone but until then...occam's razor.


Occam's Razor cuts pretty close either way on this one, due to the combination of behaviors exhibited by BIL, SIL, and POS, plus their interactions together. If not, probing BIL about this possibility should be an electrifying way to snap him out of his BS fog, if that's really what it is.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> Funny, we didn't get an invite to dinner last night.


I'm shocked to hear that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jfv said:


> Personally Cali chick, I think what you did was awesome.
> 
> I don't understand some posters saying you were overly involved. This is your family we're talking about, right?
> 
> ...


I just want to be clear my comments on the overly involved has to do with the hours after hours after hours of facebook chat with the OM. All of the lfirting stuff on facebook.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP: I think that it is time that your husband calls the BIL and tells him what you know about the other night before it gets too old. He has a right to know.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Random thoughts....

Define your own personal values and morals. If you feel thier actions are in conflict with your values, Back off. Remove them from your life and circle of influence. If they do not respect your decision to distance yourself from them, plainly state why and provide clear evidence of your suspicions. Then walk away. Do not engage or attempt to convince anyone else that your right. Your efforts play right into the 'gaslight' game. Instead of being a concerned observer of the drama, you become a player in it.

It will surface on it's own. It always does. The more you insert yourself in this situation, the more you hinder that process from coming to its own natural conclusion. 

You tried to defuse the bomb, you couldn't. Be clear, It's going blow up, Take care to remove myself from the blast radius.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Yeap.... Either John is knowingly part of their relationship or the BIL is uber BETA. Either way those kids very well maybe Johns


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Make your point to your BIL, offer him support and help if he needs it, then step away. Point him to this site and your thread if you'd like.

C


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The bishop said:


> Yeap.... Either John is knowingly part of their relationship or the BIL is uber BETA. Either way those kids very well maybe Johns


I mean really was bil abused as a kid? Or like you said sil has verbally abused bil for a long time but there is only so much one can take! And tell bil to get some dna test kits and see if he'll do some ic he needs it!


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

On one side, what you did so far is very much commendable. A caring family member and an alert citizen. If there were more people like you, there would be less heartburns and affairs.

On the other side, it was invasion of their privacy. Even your BIL didn't react in the way you expected him to be.

Of course, your SIL and John have something inappropriate going on in between them, but that is beside the point.

I think you have done more than enough. Now you need to move aside. Take care of your sanity, your family and peaceful life.

Playing Sherlock Holmes can be dangerous if you are not trained.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think it is very reasonable to let the BIL know what is going on. To not do so is enabling. What he does with tha information is his business. That said if he is ok with an open marriage then I think it is ok for yhe OP and her husband to distance themselves.

In my younger days I had friends who turned out to be in some form of open marriage. I ultimately chose to not socialize with them. Just felt creepy to me though it was their business. Instead I chose to hang out with folks with similar values as my own.

It is unclear to what level of denial the BIL may or may not be in. I suggest it has not been proved that he knows they are in a PA. So he needs the information. If he does know and is ok with it, he should just say so.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I think it is very reasonable to let the BIL know what is going on. To not do so is enabling. What he does with tha information is his business. That said if he is ok with an open marriage then I think it is ok for yhe OP and her husband to distance themselves.
> 
> In my younger days I had friends who turned out to be in some form of open marriage. I ultimately chose to not socialiuze with them. Just felt creepy to me though it was their business. Instead I chose to hang out with folks with similar values as my own.
> 
> It is unclear to what level of denial the BIL may or may not be in. I suggest it has not been proved that he knows they are in a PA. So he needs the information. If he does know and is ok with it, he should just say so.


Let bil read this thread what he does after that is up to him.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Just Facebook chat him the link to this thread. What he does after that is his business. You've done your part.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Husband ran into BIL while putting gas. BIL told H "ask ur wife (me) what happened to the FB chat?" 
My husband, not being involved in the chat (but kept in the loop by me) said, kinda acting, "what do you mean?"

BIL said "yeah everyone left the conversation so I did too. But why can't I delete it?"
Long story short, BIL said SIL advised him to delete the conversation from his phone so he wouldn't get any more alerts. 
He's very Facebook naive and she's not. There are no more alerts, the conversation ended. 

So, in short, he's being urged to delete the thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

And H reminded me that at the night before at dinner, right before it all blew it up, that I had asked my BIL where John lived. 
I asked because my friend was asking. BIL said "he lives on the border of CITY1 and CITY2. I think." He paused and added the street he thought he it was. 
He then turned to SIL and said "I think he lives on X STREET" And she just shrugged her shoulders, made an annoyed face and said "I dunno."

The H talked to an elderly relative that lives with then. My H asked her if she noticed that SIL was leaving at all hours of the night by herself. She said that she had noticed and at first thought nothing of it until it became a pattern. She said she didn't say anything because she had no proof, but wondered to herself if SIL was really going where she said she was. She said this began 4 weeks ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Please excuse my typos. Posting from my cell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You guys should have a talk with BIL already.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

BIL is going to go

KABOOM !!

Make sure you are both there for this journey BIL is about to start -- it's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

cali_chick~

Print out the FB chat, print the locations if you have a screenshot and if not, just hand-write on the chat "Her location when this was written was X" and include a note at the bottom about the elderly relative who has noticed her sneaking out each night for the past 4 weeks. 

Just present him the evidence, and allow him to handle his relationship in the way that he and she see fit. See, it is THEIR marriage and although it's unlikely he is "okay with it" maybe he is. OTOH maybe he just is a trusting soul--I mean who would think, after going to sleep with the babies, that the mom would sneak out of the house? I wouldn't think of that! 

So give him the proof and let him make up his own mind about his marriage, even if you disagree with him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Clearly a PA that got fired up again 4 weeks ago. She's stepping out at night when BIL and kids are asleep, she's getting him to sleep with the kids so she won't be missed.

Suggestions: 

1. semen test kit on her panties.
2. Gos tracker on her car or since it's very regular try staking out her or johns house a couple of nights.

Definitely a PA.

How long ago did John get divorced? I wonder if SIL was the cause?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> or since it's very regular try staking out her or johns house a couple of nights.


+1

A few pics showing them together would be the biggest help to BIL.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think SIL has snowed BIL into being willfully clueless. You need to open his eyes.

Btw, it sounds like John isn't entirely comfortable being the kind of scumbag he is being here. Directly confronting him with BIL might actually get him to break and confess.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> And H reminded me that at the night before at dinner, right before it all blew it up, that I had asked my BIL where John lived.
> I asked because my friend was asking. BIL said "he lives on the border of CITY1 and CITY2. I think." He paused and added the street he thought he it was.
> He then turned to SIL and said "I think he lives on X STREET" And she just shrugged her shoulders, made an annoyed face and said "I dunno."
> 
> ...


OOOhh boy!


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Facebook is the downfall of human civilization.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jh52 said:


> BIL is going to go
> 
> KABOOM !!
> 
> Make sure you are both there for this journey BIL is about to start -- it's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride.


I love my sister and mey 14week yr old nephew but if I knew she was doing what sil was doing I would have a talk with her and if it still went on bil is going to get a personal visit.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dubya said:


> Facebook is the downfall of human civilization.


You know a buddy of mine lost his wife to facebook, then I thought BS it's not facebook it's these morally weak scum that should have never married to begin with wether it's BPD or too much big pharma whatever just pisses me off.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

maybe invite BIL for an evening and explain him the situation clearly and offer to support him.

Or tell your H everything and let him tell everything to the BIL.


I am guessing that your relationship with your SIL and BIL would deteriorate and end in the next few days. She will manipulate her H against you.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

BIL isn't the sharpest tool in the box... Or he is into it! Every regular dude would have caught up by now.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Clearly a PA that got fired up again 4 weeks ago. She's stepping out at night when BIL and kids are asleep, she's getting him to sleep with the kids so she won't be missed.
> 
> Suggestions:
> 
> ...


John the OM has actually just separated from his wife 4 months ago. I thought they were divorced, as it was insinuated he was, but looking at his FB profile it says separated. 

And very good question about SIL's involvement. I guess I forgot to mention, but prior to the big blowup, SIL had told us all over dinner that JohnOM ex wife referred to my SIL as "the home wrecker." 
She said it was a joke and that his ex was psycho and demented. At the time I had asked what prompted her to call SIL that, and she said she was jealous of the friendship. 
Totally forgot that important little nugget. Good question!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"BIL isn't the sharpest tool in the box... Or he is into it! Every regular dude would have caught up by now."

:iagree:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

cali_chick said:


> John the OM has actually just separated from his wife 4 months ago. I thought they were divorced, as it was insinuated he was, but looking at his FB profile it says separated.
> 
> And very good question about SIL's involvement. I guess I forgot to mention, but prior to the big blowup, SIL had told us all over dinner that JohnOM ex wife referred to my SIL as "the home wrecker."
> She said it was a joke and that his ex was psycho and demented. At the time I had asked what prompted her to call SIL that, and she said she was jealous of the friendship.
> ...


Things are becoming more and more obvious. Sad to see guys like BIL steamrolled by cheating spouses


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should talk to the OMW and get the details and share what you know.

I'm guessing SIL and John kept pushing the boundaries until his wife finally had enough, called him out, and decided to just leave.

SIL saw this as her opportunity, played the comforting a friend card to move in, and the "it" just happened. And now she shares johns bed several nights a week. 

It must be taking a toll on her driving back and forth those many nights and staying up having sex with John. Does she work? I'm wondering when she's getting the sleep she's missing.

She must also be putting a lot of mies on her car going to see him, and the drive of Shame the next morning. It sounds like John lives 30 minutes or do away? That's what about 30 mikes, there snd back would be 60. Four times a week, thats 240 miles and 3/4 a tank of gas.

Talk to the estranged wife.
John is a potential weak spot, but he obviously is able to put on his game face and still hang around BIL even though he's having sex a few nights a week with his wife.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

You need to talk NOW with BIL! This situation is almost exactly what happened to me. My XW and friend of "ours" started doing a lot together. They had similiar interests, my x had depression issues, and I at first thought it was a great idea and the three of us did a lot together. What I didnt know was that they were texting each other 400x and more a month. I think the OM would have been happy to continue on, with me paying all her expenses (and his lunch 4x a week) and him F##k##g her each day. When I did look at her cell one day, (after receiving the ILYBNILWY speech, thank you TAM for the heads up on what that meant or it would still be going on) I found out what was REALLY going on. When confronted she moved in with him. This was just over a year ago. But today the hardest thing for me to overcome is how STUPID I feel that it was going on and I was so clueless.....a horrible feeling. Your BIL deserves to know and the sooner the better, I sure wish someone had given me the heads up sooner. The year I spent enableing them to do as they did will haunt me til the day I die. Especially when I know that now they do nothing, do not travel, do not visit my granddaughter. Because he says they cant afford to. Let John pay for his own pu$$y.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Call BIL and start singing....

"John and SIL sitting in a tree... F...U...C...K...I...N...G... first comes cheatin', then comes divorce.. then comes BIL payin her child sup-port!" 

lol.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Any update?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I the only one thinking this sounds right out of a novel?

BIL just sounds too oblivious. 

I got a lot of male friends, but they very rarely if ever speak with my SO, and never when I'm not around. 

In my area anyways, calling another man's girlfriend or wife is completely out of line and something fights get started over, because none of my friends have any reason to be having a private call with my GF unless they're throwing me a surprise party. 

My GF keeps her friends at the same distance.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Update:

Yes, it all came out in the open. It had to, she thought I was "putting her on blast" as she puts it, in the FB thread when I'm joking around about her and John being a few cities away, up in the parking area up on the mountain.

After the fact, she explained it all to me. She lied, didn't make sense, etc. Things didn't come together and we ended the convo with me telling her that honestly, I don't believe what she's saying, but it's not for me to believe, as long as her husband knows about it and he's okay with it.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

BIL later explained that the night they were up on the mountain, he saw where she was at (via her check-in on Facebook). 

Later, now being over it because hey, my BIL knows about it, so if he's cool with it, I don't have a problem with it- I joked around for a day or two about being swingers. I think this pissed BIL off, because I was making him sound like a cuckold (spelling??). 

The following day, he tells me "why should I care she was with John at that time, up on the mountain? I'm the husband shouldn't I be upset? Not you guys?"

I told him, "uh, yeah. Okay. If you're cool with it." 

He follows with "I don't care if she goes out with him. I text msg'd John a few things, just to make sure he knows they must never cheat with eachother. Other than that, why would I care. Maybe I just trust her too much and I know she won't do anything with him. Maybe 'cuz I've known them both for so long and you guys don't, and I know they don't see eachother like that. 
Anyway, I have always told her if she wants to do anything on the side, she can always just divorce me first."

So it's official, BIL is blind and gullible. Oh well.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

During the time SIL was spilling her beans, I asked her why they didn't just admit to being up "parking together" at that time, and not lie and try to cover their tracks on the FB thread. 
She said her and John thought "everyone would make a big deal out of it." 

After I told her what it looked like from my point of view, she finally acknowledged that it didn't look good, what they did. But they didn't do anything like cheating, just talking.

Whatever, still nothing she says makes any sense, and lied about some things, but BIL is cool with it, so hey, more power to them.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Great 
You can sleep w a clear conscience and she can sleep with .... Ummmm well you know


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> BIL later explained that the night they were up on the mountain, he saw where she was at (via her check-in on Facebook).
> 
> Later, now being over it because hey, my BIL knows about it, so if he's cool with it, I don't have a problem with it- I joked around for a day or two about being swingers. I think this pissed BIL off, because I was making him sound like a cuckold (spelling??).
> 
> ...


Wow! You did what you could I just would not feel comfortable hanging out when john and sil are together, feeling like you're enabling them. I guess he won't DNA the kids then (probably should)but not your problem anymore.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

More like he's rug sweeping because he's not prepaired to deal with it.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

@Tom67, no, lol. No hanging out with them. BIL probably wouldn't like the jokes that come out of my mouth anyways, if I see SIL and John together, with BIL just sitting there watching.

Some people are just oblivious, but BIL takes the cake.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well hopefully he'll be ok paying child support for johns kids.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> @Tom67, no, lol. No hanging out with them. BIL probably wouldn't like the jokes that come out of my mouth anyways, if I see SIL and John together, with BIL just sitting there watching.
> 
> Some people are just oblivious, but BIL takes the cake.


BIL will be the the laughing stock of everyone soon but I'll tell you eventually someone at a gathering when they are all there and alcohol is served something will go down because someone will say something (not you.) Sorry about BIL.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

what a fool


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

keko said:


> what a fool


I have an anti dizzying stick I can use on him (baseball bat):rofl:


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

cali_chick said:


> BIL later explained that the night they were up on the mountain, he saw where she was at (via her check-in on Facebook).
> 
> Later, now being over it because hey, my BIL knows about it, so if he's cool with it, I don't have a problem with it- I joked around for a day or two about being swingers. I think this pissed BIL off, because I was making him sound like a cuckold (spelling??).
> 
> ...


Eventually, the sh!t will hit the fan. If it doesn't, you'll know he always knew.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is there a chance that BIL is a willing cuckold(or OK with his wife having a boyfriend) but is afraid of your judgement if he comes out with his acceptance of their relationship?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Is there a chance that BIL is a willing cuckold(or OK with his wife having a boyfriend) but is afraid of your judgement if he comes out with his acceptance of their relationship?


He's probably getting off now on "almost" being exposed. Either that or he's the dumbest imbecile that ever walked upright.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

I'm sure there is a .01% to anything in this world, lol but I 
don't consider that even a remote possibility.

From our ethnic backgrounds, that sort of thing would be okay for the man to do, not woman (so chauvinistic, right?) under the circumstances that the female wasn't engaging her husband with enough sex. Then there religion points to being very against it.

Those things would apply if I didn't know them. 

Let me be honest, my SIL is a prude. Gave a her a vibrator for her bday as a gag gift a year ago before any of this took place, and she was horrified and offended. 

There was no indication of any sort of other man being in the picture until now with John. They only recently started talking to them too, as John's exwife didn't allow SIL near them (SIL is called "the homewrecker). 

Plus, BIL thought I was questioning his manhood, not his brain cells like I really was. LOL.
He genuinely meant it when he said "maybe I trust her too much." 

In addition, their relationship isn't very lovey dovey. I see it as more of a partnership of sorts, for the kids sake. So different than the relationship I have with my H. They aren't best friends, and she's constantly barking at him or being irritated by him.

I've never seen the emotions she had for John, displayed for BIL.

And BIL is naive, gullible, and must plain absent minded when it comes to other matters.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Doesn't this sound horribly familiar? But from a negative point of view, with a husband who is being wilfully obtuse?

Cali_Chick, here is a question, and it's an important one: *Do John and SIL ever share drinks or food in public?
*


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

BIl Sounds ummm how should i say happy?

Oh i know! gay


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tdwal said:


> I know what your thinking on this one, BFF.


Yes. Exactly. But imagine if BFF had been like Cali_Chick's BIL? He'd have been still in the dark, uncomfortable about the situation, yes, but still clueless.

It was only the gentle probing by people here that alerted him to what was really going on.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Doesn't this sound horribly familiar? But from a negative point of view, with a husband who is being wilfully obtuse?
> 
> Cali_Chick, here is a question, and it's an important one: *Do John and SIL ever share drinks or food in public?
> *


I remember that with bff!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

maybe she should send him a link to bff's tam thread


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It would be fascinating to hear the dirt from John's ex and why the SIL is called what she is called.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> It would be fascinating to hear the dirt from John's ex and why the SIL is called what she is called.


Yep it might be time to talk to the his ex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cali,

You have planted a seed his BIL's head. IT mgiht take time for that seed to grow into him having real concerns about his wife and John. I would not be surprised if on his own he starts to look into things more. Maybe he just cannot handle the pain of talking to you about it.

Let's hope that the seed grows and he gets it sooner than later.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know you might just have some fun by making it a mission to find John a lot of women and keep them coming.

It will put a lot of pressure on the SIL


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you email this thread to BIL?


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

BIL sure sounds deep, deep in denial. So many red flags, and even with being outright told things, he still parrots the "just friends" speech. 

I feel for this guy, I really do. He just flat out isn't willing to consider the possibility that his wife is cheating.


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