# Husband going out during affair recovery



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Just wondering if you guys trust your spouses to go out after an affair. My husband wants to join a bowling league with his friend every Thursday. Which usually includes bowling and drinking and a lot of people. 

I don’t like it bc I am 7 months pregnant. He wouldn’t be home one night every week and I need help with the kids in the evening. We both work full time. 

And two, as many of you know, I don’t feel he has even began to understand the pain I am in. He has hardly done affair recovery work and while he is enthusiastic about my ideas of what this entails, he never follows through. He is a better person than he was in some ways but in many other ways he has work to do. 

I just don’t trust him. He thinks it’s s good opportunity to build trust.

Thoughts? I mean, if you guys didn’t know my story, would you think it’s okay for an unfaithful spouse to start going out again? 

Or do I sound crazy...


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I don't think letting the dude who cheated on you go out without full reconciliation being completed is a very good trust exercise. It's a pretty good doormat or rug sweeping exercise, though!

It's like he's trying to escape the fact that he hurt you, and doesn't want to keep dealing with it.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

My husband


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can treat him like an adult, or you can treat him like a child - or prisoner. If he can't be trusted going forward, better to learn that ASAP, because you can't (and shouldn't) police him all the time. Perhaps agree to some constraints, such as checking in, and/or being home at a certain time unless he calls.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

,


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Perhaps agree to some constraints, such as checking in, and/or being home at a certain time unless he calls.


Not a bad idea.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If your husband hasn't done the work that allows you to regain trust (you don't get it back 100% after an affair) then the answer is no. Besides you're pregnant and have other children to deal with right now and need his help. Plus his pattern is cheating on you when you're pregnant. If he doesn't see that's a problem you need to rethink why you're with him.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I mean... he did ask me what I thought first. I don’t think he likes my answer


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I think reconciliation is all about the WS doing everything that the BS needs to feel safe and comfortable. If you don’t like it, he doesn’t do it. 
You don’t sound vindictive or unreasonable at all so I wouldn’t worry that what you feel is wrong. 
He needs to earn your trust, not give you opportunities to trust him.
Now I do believe it’s important for him to have an outlet with male friends, but this scenario sounds terrifying to an reconciling marriage. Maybe he could pick one trusted friend of your marriage to meet with one on one to do something with that doesn’t involve drinking!

Follow your gut. You need to be heard.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I thought you were leaving this slacker. This reinforces my question to you as to why you have not.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unless your husband has shown true remorse and repentance than no he should not be allowed to join a bowling league. Your husband needs to experience consequences for his actions. Too date it sounds like he has experienced very little consequences other than you telling him you are upset at his actions. He has been paying you lip service however actions speak louder than words. This is the perfect opportunity to enforce consequences and remind him that you have not forgotten nor will tolerate his foul behaviour again.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Sports Fan said:


> Unless your husband has shown true remorse and repentance than no he should not be allowed to join a bowling league. Your husband needs to experience consequences for his actions. Too date it sounds like he has experienced very little consequences other than you telling him you are upset at his actions. He has been paying you lip service however actions speak louder than words. This is the perfect opportunity to enforce consequences and remind him that you have not forgotten nor will tolerate his foul behaviour again.


So this is pretty much what I was thinking. Seeing it as a way to enforce a consequence. Not to be a police.


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