# For Women: Trying something New



## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

My wife's keen on the same old, same old. It's routine.

How can I get her to be a bit more adventurous. . . I mean I'm not talking about wild-az stuff.

How to get out of the rut on rutting?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mrs. Conan will try just about anything physically possible as long as it doesn't hurt.

She loves and respects me a lot which is the biggest contributor to her willingness in my opinion.

She also still finds me attractive and that is probably the second biggest asset I have with her for bedroom activities.

I also tend towards dominance if that helps.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Apparently humor isn't working.
I can't actually think of a documented case of any man convincing his spouse to try something sexually new. 
Either they are the type to read Cosmo, or they aren't.
No, I take that back. All of it.
My wife reads at times all kinds of romance. There was this one time that she wanted to try something she had read about.
there is some documented evidence that a woman in a new relationship, especially if it is a hidden, illicit relationship, will do all kinds of new things.
So there you have it. Erotic literature, Have an affair with her, or you could try alcohol, which I have no understanding of.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its practically impossible for other women to tell you how to get your wife to do this that or the other as she is her and we are us. You know her best and we dont know her at all. Also it may depend on what you have in mind.
My advise, dont even mention swinging or an open marriage as you are thinking of doing because that will almost certainly shut her down sexually completely, it would me.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You could start by not suggesting swinging.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

The Mighty Fred said:


> My wife's keen on the same old, same old. It's routine.
> 
> How can I get her to be a bit more adventurous. . . I mean I'm not talking about wild-az stuff.
> 
> How to get out of the rut on rutting?


Give an example of what you have in mind please...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Right, you are the one who wants to "swing" but then admitted what you really want is a FWB for yourself.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

The Mighty Fred said:


> My wife's keen on the same old, same old. It's routine.
> 
> How can I get her to be a bit more adventurous. . . I mean I'm not talking about wild-az stuff.
> 
> How to get out of the rut on rutting?


Just ask her. Communication is the key to a good sex life.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The Mighty Fred said:


> My wife's keen on the same old, same old. It's routine.
> 
> How can I get her to be a bit more adventurous. . . I mean I'm not talking about wild-az stuff.
> 
> How to get out of the rut on rutting?


What you're really asking, even if you don't realize it, is how to get your wife to be someone else.

If she hasn't shown a willingness to be more adventurous in the bedroom by now, it isn't going to sprout fully formed out of nowhere tomorrow. People's personalities are remarkably consistent over time. You are probably SOL.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

The Mighty Fred said:


> My wife's keen on the same old, same old. It's routine.
> 
> How can I get her to be a bit more adventurous. . . I mean I'm not talking about wild-az stuff.
> 
> How to get out of the rut on rutting?


You might NOT be able to get her to try anything new, but the only chance you have is to be ready to be open and honest about what you want and how you feel about it in a positive way...and be ready to negotiate with her if she tries to argue against it. If she flat-out refuses, at least you will know where you stand with your sex life with her going forward.

I am of the mind that as a caring partner, she should WANT you to be sexually happy, but I've discovered that that's not really how many partners think (women AND men)...so don't feel too disappointed (or alone) if you don't get what you want right away - it may need to be an ongoing discussion that won't be resolved in one weekend.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> You could start by not suggesting swinging.


Ha ha, right?

I was going to suggest baby steps. Tell her you'd like to see her in a nice piece of lingerie, then you can suggest little things to try.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think you need to be more upfront. What do you consider adventurous? My guess is she is not going to be a good candidate for anything like role play. You had the idea of swinging which has a 99.99999% of ending badly. So what things are you thinking about. It is probably something that requires baby steps, incremental improvements. Your not going to get Mary the homemaker to be Bambi the pornstar over night.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ha ha, right?
> 
> I was going to suggest baby steps. Tell her you'd like to see her in a nice piece of lingerie, then you can suggest little things to try.


Any idea of whether or not this ever actually works?

I don't see a lot of success stories around here where incremental changes bring about the desired result. But i am happy to be proven wrong.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Any idea of whether or not this ever actually works?
> 
> I don't see a lot of success stories around here where incremental changes bring about the desired result. But i am happy to be proven wrong.


Probably not if your wife isn't into you, but he says they have a decent sex life so she might respond.

I'd say it's got a better shot at working then suggesting swinging.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It would help to have an example of what you're talking about.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

The Mighty Fred said:


> My wife's keen on the same old, same old. It's routine.
> 
> How can I get her to be a bit more adventurous. . . I mean I'm not talking about wild-az stuff.
> 
> How to get out of the rut on rutting?


Is there anything you would not do? I know there are limits, maybe extreme, that everyone has. Consider some of your own "no's" and consider what someone could convince you to do one of those.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

We get it - you're bored.

What the hell makes you think she'd be excited to have sex with someone else's middle aged, out of shape, balding husband?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ha. I'll take an entirely different route. Buy her Fifty Shades of Grey. It opened my mind to lots of different experiences.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Outlander marathon works well ....


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

The Mighty Fred said:


> How can I get her to be a bit more adventurous. . . I mean I'm not talking about wild-az stuff.


In my experience with different women, from ones who were inexperienced sexually through to those who have significant sexual experience. I have always found that being great at sex, while also being very bold, very direct, and explicitly saying what I want women to do sexually. Has always been extremely effective in getting exactly what I want sexually.

Although your mileage may vary of course.

For example whenever I wanted a woman I was with to rim me, For the less experienced in the first instance, I would simply tell them "I want you to use your tongue in my anus" and would then direct their hand to my penis after they started doing exactly that. Whereas with a woman who was more experienced I would just say "I want you to rim me". Yet "lick my anus", "lick my behind", "stick your tongue up my ass" and other variations also get the message across very well.

Most things have never required much if any discussion beforehand, since I have found when women are turned on sexually in the moment, many are up for enthusiastically doing all sorts of things. And from then on, it's just another part of the repertoire that we share.

That said I have also sometimes brought up other things beforehand for the first time, with things like golden showers, fisting and anal sex. Yet again with that, it's still about being bold, direct and explicitly talking about it, which has seen me get what I want sexually.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Personal said:


> In my experience with different women, from ones who were inexperienced sexually through to those who have significant sexual experience. I have always found that being great at sex, while also being very bold, very direct, and explicitly saying what I want women to do sexually. Has always been extremely effective in getting exactly what I want sexually.
> 
> Although your mileage may vary of course.
> 
> ...


At least you had no concerns about the toilet paper shortage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> You might NOT be able to get her to try anything new, but the only chance you have is to be ready to be open and honest about what you want and how you feel about it in a positive way...and be ready to negotiate with her if she tries to argue against it. If she flat-out refuses, at least you will know where you stand with your sex life with her going forward.
> 
> I am of the mind that as a caring partner, she should WANT you to be sexually happy, but I've discovered that that's not really how many partners think (women AND men)...so don't feel too disappointed (or alone) if you don't get what you want right away - it may need to be an ongoing discussion that won't be resolved in one weekend.


I believe that to a point we should want our spouse to be sexually happy, but surely it depends on what the partner is wanting. Most people have some sort of limit as to what they would be ok with sexually. So if for example the OP told this wife that he can only be happy if he can have sex with others, then for most if us that us a step far too far.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Most of the “adventurous” things I have done in my life as well as in the bedroom, I have done by simply doing them in the moment and not asking someone out if the blue on a Tuesday afternoon while unloading groceries from the car if they wanted to try it. 

So let’s break this down a bit, what exactly is it that you are wanting to do and wanting to experience????

Define the terms here. If you wife was to be more ‘adventurous’ as you want, what would y’all be doing and how would it be different than what you are doing now?

I’ve read your swinging thread. I don’t think YOU are swinger material at all. I think you are in fact more traditional and conservative and rigid in your sexual beliefs and practices, than most of the diehard monogamists on this website.

So before we get to talking about how to transform your wife and get her to undergo this metamorphosis into a more adventurous lover, let’s define and identify just exactly what it is you are wanting to do.

I’m getting the feeling the one that needs to become more inspired and adventurous and bold, is actually YOU, so let’s determine exactly where it is you are wanting to go and then we can work from there.

What is it exactly you are wanting to do?


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Take the lead and do what YOU want to do. Don't hope and wonder that she becomes "more adventurous".

Disclaimer: Unfortunately people sometimes take everything to the literal extreme. Clearly you need to use common sense with this approach and, of course, i'm not suggesting anything non-consensual or all of the sudden introducing extreme things that may turn her right off. As always, timing, understanding nuances, and tact is important in sex.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

JustTheWife said:


> Take the lead and do what YOU want to do. Don't hope and wonder that she becomes "more adventurous".
> 
> Disclaimer: Unfortunately people sometimes take everything to the literal extreme. Clearly you need to use common sense with this approach and, of course, i'm not suggesting anything non-consensual or all of the sudden introducing extreme things that may turn her right off. As always, timing, understanding nuances, and tact is important in sex.


Yeah this is what I’m getting at in my post above.

Me suspects that what is actually taking place here is that HE has become complacent and lacking in ambition and initiative in the bedroom. 

I don’t mean that in a bad way or as an insult or put down, we all do it to one degree or another as we age and the longer we are in a LTR. 

Other than sticking stuff up people’s butts without warning and without proper warm up and lubrication, the best way to have a more adventurous and passionate experience in bed is to BE a more adventurous and passion person in bed.

If someone truly does not want to have sex with you and simply doesn’t want you touching them or you being sexual with them, then you have much bigger problems that must be addressed before you start breaking out the sex swings and the whips and chains. 

There’s a difference between being stuck in the same old same old and actually NOT WANTING to have sex. It’s important to know the difference.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> We get it - you're bored.
> 
> What the hell makes you think she'd be excited to have sex with someone else's middle aged, out of shape, balding husband?


He doesn’t want his wife getting with someone else any more than any of these other guys here on this site.

He is simply bored and frustrated and grasping at straws.

In the other thread he used the word swinging, but what he was actually wanting was to experience is that heat and passion and yearning that people get from New Relationship Energy. 

Deep down he no more of a swinger than @Diana7 or @CatholicDad. 

He’s just in a rut and misses the good ol’ days if young love.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He's tired of being monogamous. He wants to have a FWB situation with other women. She can probably sense this and is acting accordingly. If I sensed that in my partner I sure wouldn't be very turned on by him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It would help to have an example of what you're talking about.


Yes, just come and say what it is you are wanting to occur and don’t say that you want her to be someone else,,, she is who and what she is.

What exactly are YOU wanting?

Don’t beat around the bush (no pun intended) what are you wanting exactly?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah this is what I’m getting at in my post above.
> 
> Me suspects that what is actually taking place here is that HE has become complacent and lacking in ambition and initiative in the bedroom.
> 
> ...



There is a saying that people who are bored are often boring.....to your point.

I do like your suggestion of trying something in the moment.....one is often more open if they're already having a good time.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

And I will counter with know your spouse. Some of them will freeze like a deer in the headlights if you spring something new on them in the heat of the moment. You might even do irreparable harm to her feeling of safety and security while vulnerable with you.

Only you know your "opponent".


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cletus said:


> And I will counter with know your spouse. Some of them will freeze like a deer in the headlights if you spring something new on them in the heat of the moment. You might even do irreparable harm to her feeling of safety and security while vulnerable with you.


This is the great fear. 

But other than doing things that can pain or injury, other than sticking things dry and not warmed up and unlubed into people’s butts and vaginas, and other than bringing other people into the bedroom unannounced, what will cause harm and damage to a person or relationship???

What is this mysterious technique or activity that brings such fear and consternation???

That is why some of us have asked him what exactly it is that he is wanting to do?

What is so terrible that he must first lay out a contractual agreement to obtain her consent to try??


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> What is this mysterious technique or activity that brings such fear and consternation???


It has nothing to do with the what.

If I were to get my wife aroused, then suddenly put my face between her legs to "try something new", or push her face down on me (to use two common examples of largely vanilla sex acts), I would spend years repaying the lost trust.

Some people need time to cogitate on a matter before they have worked up the courage to try, or to flat out tell you it is off limits. 

Those saying that some are more open to new things when aroused are right. So am I. Know your partner.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cletus said:


> It has nothing to do with the what.
> 
> If I were to get my wife aroused, then suddenly put my face between her legs to "try something new", or push her face down on me (to use two common examples of largely vanilla sex acts), I would spend years repaying the lost trust.
> 
> ...


I think we can go round and round about what “suddenly” means here.

In general, I don’t believe anything sexual should ever happen “suddenly.” Everything is a nuance and a seduction and a dance. Making love is an art form and not mechanical structure. 

But esoterics and word salad aside let me use that as an example. 

If one were to be slowly kissing and caressing all over and the vibes were good and one was slowly but incrementally making their way downtown, that partner has the ability to say no or move away from the intended act and to redirect the attention. 

That halt in the action would be one of two things - they either don’t like the act. Which in a LTR, that was likely ascertained many years ago so why are going there now?

Or they don’t like you.

If it’s option #1 and it is a compatibility issue and someone does not not the things you like and both are experiencing dissatisfaction and chronic frustration or rejection, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship and determine if that’s where you want to be when Jesus comes back.

If it’s #2, then you *really *need to evaluate the relationship and determine if that’s where you want to be. 

My point here is nothing should ever “suddenly” happen out of the blue in bed. 

And if people simply do not want the same things or someone truly does not like and rejects things that are important to the other party, the relationship needs to be evaluated and those issues need to be addressed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cletus said:


> or push her face down on me (to use two common examples of largely vanilla sex acts), I would spend years repaying the lost trust.


I also want to add that while I am not gay and don’t get down with other dudes, if some guy were to push my face down on to his junk, he would lose a Johnson out of the deal. That’s simply a rude and nasty thing to do regardless of orientation. 

Let’s allow some room for common sense and seduction. 

There’s a right way and a wrong way to do things. 

If Fred ever comes back and simply says what he is wanting to do, we may be able to offer some guidance on the right way to go there.

Otherwise all we are doing is dreaming up these other scenarios.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I think we can go round and round about what “suddenly” means here.
> 
> In general, I don’t believe anything sexual should ever happen “suddenly.” Everything is a nuance and a seduction and a dance. Making love is an art form and not mechanical structure.
> 
> ...


Agree. That's why i needed to make that point that common sense needs to rule. You don't out of the blue just do anal, for example. In addition to what you say about cultivating the environment for what's to come during the act, I would go even further to say that you need to cultivate the environment OUTSIDE of the bedroom too. You need to create the electric environment that aligns with you taking charge in the bedroom. You create the build up and excitement OUTSIDE of the bedroom and then delivery it by doing what you want (in the right way of course).

You don't have to read much on TAM to understand that when people cheat, many of the inhibitions, barriers, limits, etc are rendered null and void. So if you wish for this change, you need to be a new man both inside and outside of the bedroom. Create the environment that you're her affair partner.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

JustTheWife said:


> In addition to what you say about cultivating the environment for what's to come during the act, I would go even further to say that you need to cultivate the environment OUTSIDE of the bedroom too. You need to create the electric environment that aligns with you taking charge in the bedroom. You create the build up and excitement OUTSIDE of the bedroom and then delivery it by doing what you want (in the right way of course).


So there you go Fred.

Cultivate the environment outside the bedroom - but don’t do it for sex because that will make her think you’re just doing it for sex.

Create an electric environment so that you can take charge - but don’t do anything she doesn’t want. 

Create the build up and then do what you want in the bedroom - but do it the right way.

Easy peasy right??? LOL.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> He's tired of being monogamous. He wants to have a FWB situation with other women. She can probably sense this and is acting accordingly. If I sensed that in my partner I sure wouldn't be very turned on by him.


Ehhhh....NO! 
If my wife wanted to bring in another person it would be the end of us. I could no longer trust her knowing she was wanting to have sex with someone else. THE END!


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> So there you go Fred.
> 
> Cultivate the environment outside the bedroom - but don’t do it for sex because that will make her think you’re just doing it for sex.
> 
> ...


If you know what you're doing, there are few things that she doesn't want. Just like an affair partner. Be the affair partner before someone else is!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JustTheWife said:


> If you know what you're doing, there are few things that she doesn't want. Just like an affair partner. Be the affair partner before someone else is!


Not sure I understand. Are you saying this about Fred's wife in particular, or women in general? Are you saying that most women will do just about anything in the bedroom if you "know what you're doing?"


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Cletus said:


> Not sure I understand. Are you saying this about Fred's wife in particular, or women in general? Are you saying that most women will do just about anything in the bedroom if you "know what you're doing?"


I don't know Fred's wife and I certainly don't aim to speak for all women in general. Just sharing my perspective as I think most do in this forum.

I'm not saying what most women will do or not do. It's my opinion that if a man can handle himself properly inside and outside of the bedroom, his partner will be more inclined to be open to more in the bedroom.

Probably at more risk of stating the obvious than being controversial.


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