# Cheated on my girlfriend of 5 months, what to do?



## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

Hello - Recently celebrated our 5 month anniversary. She's 8 years younger than me. She's beautiful inside and out, drama free. She's already met the family and I've met most of hers. She lives at home so I see the family sometimes but most of the time she's over my place.

She disclosed to me she was seeing a therapist and taking meds for depression before meeting me and now she doesn't have to go anymore because she's happy and has made me feel I'm the reason to make her happy and smile. 

We made ourselves facebook official couple months ago but haven't had a physical discussion about exclusivity nor have we said the "L" word yet, but it's in the air. 

She went away for a prior planned trip to Vegas for a weekend with her girls so I was home alone for the weekend. She was posting up sexy pics on Instagram at pool parties and clubs but we texted regularly.

Meanwhile, someone I dated couple years ago randomly got in touch that she'd be in town with some friends. We hooked up 1 time back then. Mind you, this person soon hurt my feelings by getting into a relationship with someone else while we were dating and talking for a bit. I wrote her off and should've just deleted her social media accounts. I guess she kept tabs, stalked on me thru social media and saw I was in a happy relationship recently and I guess got jealous? So, being the platonic person I was with nothing going on for the evening met up for couple drinks with her and some friends. Something happened that caused some argument between her and her friends later that niught, had no idea what that was about, was minding by own business texting the gf at the time. Was getting ready to leave to go to bed and she asked to crash on my couch!

With impaired judgement I said okay sure whatever. We got to my apartment and she started to say how bad she felt about hurting me, asking about my girlfriend and I later remember she ended up using my girlfriends hairbrush sitting in my bathroom! Like attempting to leave hints that she was there? I didn't know what to say to any of that, was just an awkward conversation and situation.

Not sure what led up to it, but she wound up in my bed because she felt cold on the couch and we ended up engaging in a hookup session (she got on top of me) that lasted for about a minute. Let my male hormones get the best of me and didn't think with the right head. 
Thought about the gf the whole time. Was no passion nor emotion, only a physical act. Not attracted one bit to this girl at all. She's manipulative and not mentally stable. I said flat out that I have no feelings for her anymore and what just happened was just plain stupid. I have spent the last 5 months of my life with my gf and a few hours with this girl after not speaking for over a year!

Have been feeling horrible about it and realize how much the girlfriend means to me. I don't understand how or why the night ended like it did and why I let myself get in that situation. Obviously I should've spoken up that coming back to my apartment was not a good idea. Not sure what I should do. I haven't cheated before and never want to feel this way again, never will allow that to happen. 
I'm not even thinking about myself, I'll find a way to forgive myself and move forward. Concerned about my girlfriend and her feelings & well-being. I want her to trust me, believe in me and look me in the eye knowing that I never want to hurt her. If i disclose it, somehow things will never be the same should she even want to talk to me anymore?

How can I handle the damage that has been done? I hate the idea of taking it to my grave living a lie my whole life but I don't want to lose her and the special thing we have, hard to find nowadays. Sad and reaching out for guidance. I'm a good person and made a terrible mistake.


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## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

I am seeing a therapist to release some of my guilt and discover exactly why I let that one time occurrence happen. Afraid of how I feel when I see my girlfriend next after her time being away. Everything in my life was finally coming together and now this!


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

You say that you want your gf to be able to look you in the eye but you dont seem to be able to look at your own self right now. You're chalking all this up to everything but you.

-the girl you cheated with got jealous of your new relationship? Dont try to vilify her and say its her fault...she merely asked and you said yes the whole way. 

-she asked to crash on your couch. So say no? How would your gf feel if she knew you were bringing intoxicated women home even just to crash on the couch?

-'i dunno how it happened but she made it into my bed' this screams that you think youre the victim. You know very well how it happened. 

-'male horomones took over' again blaming something else. Ive been offered to be led to the bedroom at parties when my wife and i were gf/bf. it wasnt hard to say no. Of course part of me wanted to...but 10 minutes of fun isnt worth a lifetime of guilt. 

If you cant even own up to your mistake your gf has no reason to trust you. At this point you have two choices. Own up to your mistake (this includes no excuses) and tell her and beg for forgiveness or have this lie hang over you your entire relationship. But dont think itll ever be this tight trusting bond you envision. That ship sailed...you cast it off yourself.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Time to own up and face the music. GF needs to know what kinda guy she is with


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You seem very young....and immature (nothing wrong with that, I've been there).

here is what I read from your post, I suggest you kind of identify all of this and accept it.

Girlfriend
Girlfriend goes off and has fun clubbing etc
You have resentment about above but rather than talk to your girl about it > you start looking for something for yourself to do wrong? 
You have inappropriate relations with another girl

All of this would've been prevented if you had more self control.

Also, if you didn't use Facebook cause without it you know darn well you would've never went out and start looking for people/hook up so fast.

I have no advice for you other than, stop using facebook and learn to deal with things that you don't like vs ignoring them/building resentment and taking wrong actions.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Time to own up and face the music. GF needs to know what kinda guy she is with


I would not recommend this to be honest (mostly due to her history with depression meds).

Break up with her OP. You know darn well that she deserves way better than you.

Just break up with her and do not tell her what happened.

What she doesn't know can't hurt her.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

anoymousone said:


> She disclosed to me she was seeing a therapist and taking meds for depression before meeting me and now she doesn't have to go anymore because she's happy and has made me feel I'm the reason to make her happy and smile.


I stopped here. Danger, Will Robinson.....danger!!!!! No, really.....a person can't be the reason some other person can go off their depression meds.

edit to add: dude, you're clearly very young, and you were dating for five months. The only message here is, you're not ready to settle down. It doesn't mean you're current g/f "deserves better than you," it just means she deserves to know you're not ready to settle down, that's all. If you're as young as I'm guessing, you shouldn't. A counselor to find out what happened??? Um, you're a horny young guy? Seriously, there's no psychosocial issue here. Let it go, move on, and I hope she does the same (while continuing to figure out why she's REALLY depressed...).


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## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

changedbeliefs said:


> I stopped here. Danger, Will Robinson.....danger!!!!! No, really.....a person can't be the reason some other person can go off their depression meds.
> 
> edit to add: dude, you're clearly very young, and you were dating for five months. The only message here is, you're not ready to settle down. It doesn't mean you're current g/f "deserves better than you," it just means she deserves to know you're not ready to settle down, that's all. If you're as young as I'm guessing, you shouldn't. A counselor to find out what happened??? Um, you're a horny young guy? Seriously, there's no psychosocial issue here. Let it go, move on, and I hope she does the same (while continuing to figure out why she's REALLY depressed...).


Not sure of the demographic of this thread and what is considered young, but I am in my early 30's. I want to settle down and share a life with someone. She has the potential and is mature for her age. Realized how much I genuinely care about this girl.

Never felt so much agony and pain for this single instance. Wish I can go back in time


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

anoymousone said:


> Not sure of the demographic of this thread and what is considered young, but I am in my early 30's. I want to settle down and share a life with someone. She has the potential and is mature for her age. Realized how much I genuinely care about this girl.
> 
> Never felt so much agony and pain for this single instance. Wish I can go back in time


Do you really? 

*Actions speak louder than words. *

If you cared about her so much, you wouldn't do what you did.

If she cared about you so much, she wouldn't be out in Vegas with her girls doing whatever.

You see where I'm going with this?

If you are in your 30s, you would act more mature and KNOW where facebook or hanging out with girls will lead you.

Your actions are that of a teen or 20 year old boy, not of a mature 30 year old man.


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## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

DoF said:


> *Actions speak louder than words. *
> 
> If you cared about her so much, you wouldn't do what you did.


We all have faults and make mistakes, this could be the biggest one I've made and I realized it soon thereafter. 

This single instance made me realize how much I do care about her. Is there a way to learn from this and be faithful and loving moving forward? Will this guilty conscience float over me forever?


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

No one in their early 30s should consider "declaring the relationship on facebook" any sort of milestone worth mentioning.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I agree that saying you don't know how she ended up in your bed is bogus. But the way I see it, you are human. If you get drunk and invite a hot girl over to your apartment, you're probably going to have sex. Just what people do. So, don't get drunk and invite hot girls over to your apartment when your gf is out. Don't put yourself in any kind of position where your defenses are down and you are likely to cheat. 

Knowing that you are human, forgive yourself and resolve not to do it again. Whether the guilt hangs over you forever or not depends on whether or not you let it. I say if you really love your gf and intend to commit to her, you don't need to tell her. There is no reason she needs to know if you know that you will never do it again. There is a chance it will come out some other way, and be prepared for the fallout of that, but I don't think you need to tell her. Have an explicit conversation about exclusivity. 

Having said all that...her going off meds because you make her so happy is a red flag.


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## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I agree that saying you don't know how she ended up in your bed is bogus. But the way I see it, you are human. If you get drunk and invite a hot girl over to your apartment, you're probably going to have sex. Just what people do. So, don't get drunk and invite hot girls over to your apartment when your gf is out. Don't put yourself in any kind of position where your defenses are down and you are likely to cheat.
> 
> Knowing that you are human, forgive yourself and resolve not to do it again. And if you really love your gf, don't tell her. There is no reason she needs to know if you know that you will never do it again. There is a chance it will come out some other way, and be prepared for the fallout of that, but I don't think you need to tell her. Have an explicit conversation about exclusivity.
> 
> Having said all that...her going off meds because you make her so happy is a red flag.


Thanks for that. Re: Meds - She's still on them but doesn't need to see a therapist anymore?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

anoymousone said:


> Thanks for that. Re: Meds - She's still on them but doesn't need to see a therapist anymore?


Well...that seems fine. If they are meds she needs forever, you just need to watch that she stays on them. If she doesn't need to stay on them forever, she needs to make sure she stops with the guidance of a doctor and whether or not she responsibly goes off of them is telling about her future behavior. 

Please note I am the one dissenting voice among all the other people who have responded. I don't condone cheating and I don't subscribe to the idea that once you've cheated you will always be a cheater. People are human. That means you forgive yourself for being dumb and you must be diligent not to be dumb again.

In North America we have this notion that every indiscretion should be confessed but I just think in some cases the confession does more harm than good and I think this is one of those cases.


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## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> Well...that seems fine. If they are meds she needs forever, you just need to watch that she stays on them. If she doesn't need to stay on them forever, she needs to make sure she stops with the guidance of a doctor and whether or not she responsibly goes off of them is telling about her future behavior.
> 
> Please note I am the one dissenting voice among all the other people who have responded. I don't condone cheating and I don't subscribe to the idea that once you've cheated you will always be a cheater. People are human. That means you forgive yourself for being dumb and you must be diligent not to be dumb again.
> 
> In North America we have this notion that every indiscretion should be confessed but I just think in some cases the confession does more harm than good and I think this is one of those cases.


You've been the most helpful and understanding with an unbiased opinion. Appreciate that.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

anoymousone said:


> You've been the most helpful and understanding with an unbiased opinion. Appreciate that.


Well...keep your d*ck in your pants and prove me right.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Only 5 months in and already cheated? And you say she is taking sexy pics and is with friends, any male friends or just girls? Reason I ask is because there is this useful tool in relationships called boundaries. Meeting up with the opposite sex is always a bad idea. I'm definitely am not going to beat you up here because you really do seem remorseful. Sometimes you do not realize how important someone is until you screw up and the thought of losing them becomes real. I cheated in my first marriage and told the truth. I left him anyway but the reason why I suggest the truth is so the remainder of the relationship doesnt have a dirty secret tainting it should she stay. If you tell or not, I recommend keeping firmer boundaries, but make sure she has the same boundaries and you two are on the same page- telling the truth will give you both a fresh start. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

I think you should tell her. My reasoning is b/c WHEN it comes out down the road, and you've both invested years into the relationship, it'll be that much more painful if she leaves you over your indiscretion. Tell her the truth now, deal with the fallout NOW, and work towards a brighter tomorrow. I cannot imagine having this hanging over my head, constantly waiting for the shoe to drop. And on the BS side, it would make the issue worse, if my partner lied to me (with a lie of omission) for who knows how many years; while I built my whole life around this relationship.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

anoymousone said:


> We all have faults and make mistakes, this could be the biggest one I've made and I realized it soon thereafter.
> 
> This single instance made me realize how much I do care about her. Is there a way to learn from this and be faithful and loving moving forward? Will this guilty conscience float over me forever?


you will be fine in time

Just learn from it and don't do it again.

That's all

I wouldn't recommend sharing this mistake with her either...


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Okay- if you keep it to yourself and assuming just you and the other woman know, any chance she'll tell? You mention she is manipulative and unstable, your relationship is public through fb- not a good combination.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have a 17 year old son and a 14 year old son, and this sounds exactly like the drama that seems to follow them and their friends around. And if there's one thing I've learned from watching these kids try to play grown up, it's that the truth always comes out eventually. 

Look, you're not going to keep this from her. The ex who you hooked up with obviously knew what she was doing. She'll be bragging to a mutual friend soon if she hasn't already. And her purpose in bragging will be specifically so that the information gets back to your girlfriend. You've been played. And quite easily I might add.


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## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

tonedef said:


> you say she is taking sexy pics and is with friends, any male friends or just girls?


From what I saw just the girls :-/


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## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

tonedef said:


> just you and the other woman know, any chance she'll tell? You mention she is manipulative and unstable.


I believe she was cheated on before, she found out thru instagram and messaged the girl on there


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

anoymousone said:


> Hello - Recently celebrated our 5 month anniversary. She's 8 years younger than me. She's beautiful inside and out, drama free. She's already met the family and I've met most of hers. She lives at home so I see the family sometimes but most of the time she's over my place.
> 
> She disclosed to me she was seeing a therapist and taking meds for depression before meeting me and now she doesn't have to go anymore because she's happy and has made me feel I'm the reason to make her happy and smile.
> 
> ...


You had poor boundaries

She is a predator

You got taken

Now you have damage.

Workingonme is right... this girl will complete the cycle by letting the cat out of the bag for you, so it is wise for you to beat her to the punch and tell your GF yourself.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

OP:

All of the "other stuff" aside, if you are cheating on your sweetheart in FIVE MONTHS - you really aren't into the relationship. 

There will be countless words/posts/likes/replies, but when all is said and done, you really arent into her that much. 

Cheating after five months is sort of a no-brainer. You should still be thinking of her night and day! You should be trying to impress her and win her over - let alone not cheating!!!

You shouldn't be unfair to her any longer. Don't keep her "hanging on" while you post things and decide. It's not fair to her!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

anoymousone said:


> We all have faults and make mistakes, this could be the biggest one I've made and I realized it soon thereafter.
> 
> This single instance made me realize how much I do care about her. Is there a way to learn from this and be faithful and loving moving forward? Will this guilty conscience float over me forever?


It's called learning the hard way and most people learn this way unfortunately.

Would you mind if your girl "learned the hard way"?

How would that make you feel?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

There is another thread in CWI with the same subject. Only the spouse finds out after many years....

She deserves to be spared a miserable ending of your relation...

You have to tell her and see what happens. If you really love her, then tell her, save her.


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## anoymousone (Sep 30, 2014)

Update: I decided to confess last night, was a difficult evening... 
I couldn't keep this from her because I care about her.
If I didn't, I would've just broken up with her instead to spare her the hurt.

I actually have kept notes of every single experience and talked those out. At one point couldn't catch my breath and think I had a mild heart attack with hand numbing. Had to take a melatonin, aspirin, warm tea + warm shower to calm me down. In light of the details, she forgives me and is giving me a second chance.
I'm going to continue to see a therapist to ensure my commitment this will never happen again.

Sent her flowers this morning to her office and she really liked them, sent me a kiss icon and thanks.

Thanks for listening and offering your different perspectives.
I am already a changed (imperfect) person for the better.

Thanks to TAM for providing a forum for distressed folks like me.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Maybe she had a really good time in Vegas. Could explain why she is forgiving you so easy.
You pawning off all the blame on the other girl is bogus.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

anoymousone said:


> ...she ended up using my girlfriends hairbrush sitting in my bathroom!


That's where you should have noticed that something was off, and offered to take her home. I would NEVER let another woman use my squeeze's hairbrush.

In the way of advice... You messed up. If you tell your GF that you cheated, purely physical act or not, she probably will be hurt beyond words and may suffer a relapse of depression, and you want to avoid that. This is going to be a very unpopular opinion, but I'd say keep it to yourself and use it as a learning experience, and don't do it again!


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## Mary May & Bobby (Sep 13, 2014)

RollerCoasterRide is spot on. 

Owning up to your mistakes is a MAJOR sign of maturity. It takes guts, but it's necessary. If you want to get her back, you have to start there. Own the fact that you screwed up big, and NEVER, ever, feel like you're entitled to her forgiveness. It's up to her to forgive you if she wants. Provided you are an almost perfect boyfriend from now on. 

On the other hand, if you're not willing to put in the work I would just genuinely let her see that you're honestly sorry and fix the relationship to the best of your ability (for her sake) and then just moving on. 

The reason why I say you should "fix" the relationship before you move on is because she deserves to know that is was NOT her fault. It was YOUR fault. 

If you cheat and leave her, that may scar her self esteem for a while and that is just not cool, or fair. So, be a man, and let her see that you cheating on her is more of a reflection of your immaturity than it is a reflection of what she deserves.

Hope you make the right decision. 

Take care.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Even if she forgives you now already, you two will have to dig out each others deepest feelings about what happened, talk about it, express yourselves, listen.

Not discussions, but communication from heart to heart.


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