# Wife texting another Man



## bluemanceo

I have been struggling with what to do lately and need some input. My marriage is far from perfect and I have played a role in that and accept it. About 4 months ago I had a long conversation with my wife about things I could do better to make our relationship stronger. Since then I have realized how to be a better husband (based on what she has asked of me) but things on her end have not changed. We have the same argument about how she has no desire to be around me. Every night is the same routine and I just want her to notice I am around and care about me again. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who we both adore, but when she goes to bed we should be connecting as adults and we aren't. 

Recently I have had a weird gut feeling that she is having an emotional relationship with one of her co-workers. I have told her that I have these feelings and she quickly dismisses them and tells me she has never cheated on me, then changes the subject to her being exhausted all the time. I cannot shake this feeling and today I check my cell phone bill records. She has been texting (not a whole lot) with a co-worker more specifically when I am working or she is out doing stuff. I am trying my hardest not to be an invasive husband because yes she is allowed to have friends and even male friends. But why would she have the need to text this guy 19 times in an hour just before I get home and then have the conversation stop when I get in the door? 

How do I handle this situation before it gets worse? I haven't asked her to see emails or texts and would never just randomly check her phone but things just FEEL weird with her and I want to fix that! Please share some thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it!


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## tom67

Blue put a voice activated recorder in her car and you may find out what you are up against. Or buy a pen var and put it in her purse. You may have caught this early who knows. Is the coworker married let his gf/wife know.


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## Philat

Blue: BS of W's EA here. First: Trust your radar. If things seem weird then they are. Second: Start checking phone and email. 19 times in an hour is pretty damning. Collect evidence before making any accusation. Trust but verify! Meantime keep working on your spousal self-improvement program but don't act clingy or needy. Do what you can to keep or restore intimacy (physical or otherwise) to the marriage: you may be riding against the current here at present but you'll need to have this in the bank down the road if it turns out that your relationship needs repairing.

Good luck. Lots of us have been there and are willing to support you.


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## Shaggy

Along wtg the VAR get and read Married Mans Sex Life Priner by Zkay Athol and you'll see how your current approach is driving her away instead of closer to you, It's not a sex book, it's a book on male - female relationships and what each looks for a basic level in the other.

You are appearing needy and desperate and like a person who needs to be change in order to be attractive.

Yes, the coworker is a serious problem that you need to deal with. Obviously confronting her head on didnt work - she just blew you off.

Yet,she was already hiding the fact that she texts him by never doing it infront of you.

Have you looked at her phone and read the texts?


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## bluemanceo

It is so great to know that I now have a place to vent this out! 

Shaggy - I have not read her texts or emails and honestly I don't think I am that kind of person at least not at this point. I want to trust her as long as I can, because I am afraid once I go down that road there is no turning back and I will be checking those things for the next 50 years or so.


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## Philat

No, you can't think that way. There is more than enough reason to check up on her and stop whatever is going on early. Please trust us on this.


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## Philat

P.S. There's lots of literature out there and you'll likely get several recommendations. I recommend Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's nonjudgmental but clearly shows how boundaries get crossed. It helped my W understand that her "friendship' was in fact a betrayal.


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## bluemanceo

Philat - Thanks for the book idea. I guess I understand your point about checking on her but what can I really do? If she really wanted me to never find out it would be quite easy to just use her work time, email which I could never have access to. And even texting I can just pull the number off the bill because if it were inappropriate conversations she would obviously delete them.


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## tom67

Philat said:


> No, you can't think that way. There is more than enough reason to check up on her and stop whatever is going on early. Please trust us on this.


Blue you have to gather evidence now and shut this down hard. There is no secrecy in marriage, none!


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## bluemanceo

tom67 - There really isn't any evidence outside of a few logs from my cell phone bill of text conversations. The hard part of dealing with this is I can't access her work email even if I tried. Now I will say the thing that is most alarming is that she was away for a few days last month for work and I know he went to, and prior to that there were zero text messages exchanged according to the bill. Again, it's not like they are texting constantly, just enough for me to have even more suspicions and for all I know they have constant contact via their work emails.


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## Philat

_Now I will say the thing that is most alarming is that she was away for a few days last month for work and I know he went to_

Oboy. There are many regular TAM posters who have lots of knowledge about how to gather evidence for affairs (much more than I). Folks: Please help Blue


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## tom67

bluemanceo said:


> tom67 - There really isn't any evidence outside of a few logs from my cell phone bill of text conversations. The hard part of dealing with this is I can't access her work email even if I tried. Now I will say the thing that is most alarming is that she was away for a few days last month for work and I know he went to, and prior to that there were zero text messages exchanged according to the bill. Again, it's not like they are texting constantly, just enough for me to have even more suspicions and for all I know they have constant contact via their work emails.


Here check these out Amazon.com: pen voice activated recorder


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## tom67

So the other guy and your w went out of town for work probably staying in the same hotel, oh boy.


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## Philat

Blue: Sorry to bombard you with posts, but you sound just like me some 10 years ago. Your gut is telling you something--trust it. If you don't resolve it one way or another (you might find out that there is in fact nothing going on, but it doesn't sound that way) it will gnaw at you, affect your work and sleeping habits, become something you obsess over. If you keep this inside without addressing it it will have a very negative effect on the marriage even if your wife isn't doing anything. But if you remain vigilant and look for evidence, you will have the chance for catharsis and, if your W is having an affair, reconciliation. Above all, don't let your doubts fester without taking action.


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## bluemanceo

I have to go to a work seminar for a night this weekend, is there any quick little things I can put together to see what is going on at home while I am away? Obviously if text message chatter increases there is a real problem.


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## tom67

Put a couple vars in the house one in the bedroom especially.


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## nogutsnoglory

bluemanceo said:


> I have to go to a work seminar for a night this weekend, is there any quick little things I can put together to see what is going on at home while I am away? Obviously if text message chatter increases there is a real problem.


You can put a var or three (I recommend three) in the areas of the home she would call from. Has there been evidence of phone calls as wells as texts?

If you see one or two texts on the bill (when you are checking it every 15 minutes) in your hotel. If the bill is showing she spoke to him a couple times then nothing, it is b/c they are together.

I would keylog the computer at home as well. I would have a close buddy, drive by to see if her car is there or if there is a strange car there. Hell I would hire a PI today to get to the bottom of this.
It really comes down to what effort you are willing to put into finding out. None of the things I just mentioned are things she needs to know anything about.
I guarantee doing nothing will get you nowhere.


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## Philat

_I guarantee doing nothing will get you nowhere._

Just a lot of sleepless nights and, if W is having A, a lot of lost ground to OM.


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## tom67

nogutsnoglory said:


> You can put a var or three (I recommend three) in the areas of the home she would call from. Has there been evidence of phone calls as wells as texts?
> 
> If you see one or two texts on the bill (when you are checking it every 15 minutes) in your hotel. If the bill is showing she spoke to him a couple times then nothing, it is b/c they are together.
> 
> I would keylog the computer at home as well. I would have a close buddy, drive by to see if her car is there or if there is a strange car there. Hell I would hire a PI today to get to the bottom of this.
> It really comes down to what effort you are willing to put into finding out. None of the things I just mentioned are things she needs to know anything about.
> I guarantee doing nothing will get you nowhere.


:iagree:An ea can go pa in a hurry like what is posted above, have a friend drive by your house a few times.


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## LostViking

You need to do something and quit waffling. Your wife is exhibiting all the red flags of a sneaky cheater. Either fight for your marriage or don't. 

There are no secrets in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanguard

Dude. 

Just go beat the **** out of him and divorce her. 

Then go pick up a college skank and ride her hard. Take her back to campus the next day and tell her not to call you.


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## Thound

Do not act suspicous or however you spell the damn thing. Dont let her know you are snooping. Act as if every thing is fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK

bluemanceo said:


> she has no desire to be around me. Every night is the same routine and I just want her to notice I am around and care about me again. ...but when she goes to bed we should be connecting as adults and we aren't.


Your problem isn't her new friend from work. She doesn't love you and has no plan on doing so again.

But hey. Have fun with your spying. It'll keep your mind off of your REAL problem anyhow.


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## Thound

MrK said:


> Your problem isn't her new friend from work. She doesn't love you and has no plan on doing so again.
> 
> But hey. Have fun with your spying. It'll keep your mind off of your REAL problem anyhow.


Ouch. :scratchhead:


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## MrK

Here. This may help your confusion Thound.



bluemanceo said:


> We have the same argument about how she has no desire to be around me. Every night is the same routine and I just want her to notice I am around and care about me again. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who we both adore, but when she goes to bed we should be connecting as adults and we aren't.


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## Thound

MrK said:


> Here. This may help your confusion Thound.


Oh I'm not disagreing with you, but I wonder does she not desire him because of the OM? I guess when I read your comment it kinda cut like a knife, but I meant no disrespect, and maybe you are right.


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## 6301

Comes down to this. You can sit around and wait or do some investigating. Your gut feelings most of the time are right and I know that you don't want it to be true but if she shows no interest in you and won't give you the time of day, then you just can't sit. 

You said that your doing things to improve yourself but from what you have posted it seems like she's doing nothing but being more selfish and uncaring so either you stop being the nice guy and start looking for reasons why or your going to be out the door PDQ. If you feel that she's not being on the level, you have every right to find out the reason why, even if it means snooping on her phone or computer. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to find the problem and deal with it.


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## Caribbean Man

Sometimes I really try to understand this type of relationship dynamic where one partner is texting , hiding phone, being selfish, not showing intimacy etc. , whilst the other partner is scared to ask , and generally feeling bad because they " snooped " etc. And they generally accept an put up with it.

Doesn't sound healthy at all.


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## ReformedHubby

MrK said:


> Your problem isn't her new friend from work. She doesn't love you and has no plan on doing so again.
> 
> But hey. Have fun with your spying. It'll keep your mind off of your REAL problem anyhow.


Although a little harsh I can't disagree with you. Once a woman starts to view view you as a nuisance and is no longer being intimate with you or even talking to you its pretty much game over. The only question here is was she feeling this way before or after she met the OM.


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## RandomDude

MrK said:


> Your problem isn't her new friend from work. She doesn't love you and has no plan on doing so again.
> 
> But hey. Have fun with your spying. It'll keep your mind off of your REAL problem anyhow.


Well done, you really nailed the situation.


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## 40isthenew20

Call him and confront him. Play it off that you see this number appearing on your cell phone bill and you don't recognize it. At least he'll know you're on to him and hire him some thing to think about. 

Then wait for her to come home for her reaction. If she's all pissed, them you know you need to take your snooping to the next level.


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## roostr

I think you have something to worry about there. The secrecy is a big red flag, I know from experience, trust your gut.


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