# think i caught my wife cheating



## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

We are mid 30's and have been married for 3 years. We have a 19 month year old.

I met my wife while on vacation in brazil. We fell in love and got married, and live in the USA.

Her Dad is very sick, so I purchased her a ticket to go visit her family. She spent 3 weeks there. She took our baby so the grandparents can see him.

So she returned and we ended up fighting really bad. She said she wants a divorce etc..She said she is not happy, does not know who she is etc.. Then the next day she acts as if nothing happened. 

She left and I looked at her IPAD. She has different accounts, but this one account is really just our correspondence, a gmail account. First time I ever snooped, but it was not locked, no password needed. 

So, she sent a photo of herself to some guy who is also married and in Brazil. herself smiling and wearing a dress. apparently taken just for him.

I checked the email, and he is on her Facebook, but his wife is not.

I finally asked her tonight, and first she went to the bathroom and deleted the email.Then she denied sending it. Then she denied even knowing the person. then she said it was a child hood friend, but she still does not know why she sent it, or what the picture was.

I have noticed for the past few months she is always secretive with her phone , always locking it, anytime I walk by and she is on Facebook she closes the page, etc. 

What should I do? Why would she be sending a married man a photo of herself while she is in Brazil? I have no other proof of anything but her reaction was very odd, and obviously it is innappropriate to be sending other men photos of yourself.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She probably enjoyed banging him so much on her trip to brazil she's considering divorcing you.

Are you sure that guy is permanently in brazil and not in the states? 

Given how she's hiding her phone, do you think there may be more local guys she visits?

If her phone is under your name check the call/text logs for numbers you don't know. Those will the new boyfriends of your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

get ahold of proper authorities so she can not flee the country with your kid. then do some digging.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

Yes positive he lives in Brazil. She is always home with our baby and does not work so I am not thinking she is cheating here. 

I never even thought she would or could at all. Was not much jealousy in our relationship. But she cannot explain why she sent this photo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you checked the cell phone bill to see who she's been talking to?


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

Yes, nothing odd showed up. No obvious patterns. She talks to her mom, dad, nephews, cousins etc. I do not know every number.

I am not thinking she talks to this guy on the phone from the USA, most likely started emailing over facebook. 

I do not even know if she saw him when she was in Brazil. All I saw was that she was sending him a picture. Why, I have no idea..No message attached, just a picture of herself in a dress.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she have skype?


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

Yes


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alexsmith said:


> Yes


you might want to consider getting a key logger for your computer, ipad or whatever she has. She does not need to use her phone to call him.

Is there a skyp log?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

You have seen enough to know your wife is either in an affair or th start of one .

Remove the OM from her life by getting hold of his wife and family. Read the newbie thread above for advice how to do this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

At this point I have no idea what to do. I already confronted her.

I guess I could get some key logger for the future, but that does not help me now.

She denied she sent it, then admitted it, then said it was just a child hood friend, etc. I am just really devastated. 

We have a baby that I love.. I sent him a face book message asking why my wife is sending him pictures.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he was just a friend she would have told you.

Hopefully you caught this before it went too far. YOu can repair your marriage if that's what you want.

Eli-Zor gave you a link of where to start.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should get both a keylogger on the computer and a voice activated recorder for where she might sit and talk to him, likely the computer over skype since they can video chat that way.

I would also be seeing if you can yourself made friends on FB with his wife, and learn all you can. Ideally you should create a new FB account that isn't you so her husband won't recognize you. In fact if you could make the FB account a woman it would be easier to become friends with the OMW and even with the OM without raising suspicions.

Do take actions to prevent your wife taking your child out of the country without your permission. Brazil has a horrible record of not honoring US custody cases.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The first rule for Americans married to South American women is: she doesn't go home, unless you go with her. I don't care how pure you think she is.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Do take actions to prevent your wife taking your child out of the country without your permission. Brazil has a horrible record of not honoring US custody cases.


Yes, this absolutely cannot be hammered on enough. Do this Monday morning.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Yes, this absolutely cannot be hammered on enough. Do this Monday morning.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My hair is on fire reading this. This has the earmarks of an affair AND your W is from a part of the world that will not care at all if she decides to just go home forever with your child. Make sure that you have the baby's passport. Be super careful.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

What was your argument about when the blowup occurred?

Do you usually have fights like this?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Try to calm down and not show to your wife you are suspicious or worried. You confronted, she denied anything was wrong. The problem is she will now take things deeper underground. So you want her to not be too paranoid while you gather information.

You may have interrupted an affair before it really started. Or she may have had a wild hot PA while home. If you get the keyloggers in place you will know pretty soon the truth and can go from there.

Never reveal to her your sources of information from now on.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> The first rule for Americans married to South American women is: she doesn't go home, unless you go with her. I don't care how pure you think she is.


Now she is claiming she just sent the photo to explain how expensive things are in Brazil with the dress she bought there. So he said "how is America", and she was saying how expensive things are and said "look at this dress.. It was $100. So expensive here"

She did buy the dress there, and there was no messages in the email. Just her wearing the dress. Upon looking at his Facebook he is short, ugly, about 5 ft tall, 120 lbs etc..I cannot believe she would be attracted to him, but who knows.

Since I work, and her dad is dying, I could not get the time off, and did not want to tell her she cannot go, and that her dad cannot see his grandson.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> What was your argument about when the blowup occurred?
> 
> Do you usually have fights like this?


We have been arguing about finances, as it is expensive to go to Brazil, and I also feel as the breadwinner my money only goes to make her happy. No vacation for me.

So I told her if she goes in the future, she will have to pay. She came back and started crying about having to get a job, who will watch our kid etc. She thinks I am controlling and do not want her to see her mom and dad. her brother also died last year, so basically our entire marriage has sucked. her brother had kidney cancer, dad has brain cancer etc. Then mix in as soon as we were married she became pregnant and we have been raising a child.

So that is what we fought about.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sounds to me like you two have a lot more serious problems than her sending a fully clothed picture of herself in a dress.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Alex that doesn't sound unreasonable to me what you are asking for 


Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You've got a lot going on in your marriage.

First, before anything, I would guess that she is very homesick. I've known quite a few people who emigrated for love and are quite happy in the US, but they really do miss their home country. All of their family and old friends are there. Going back to visit, then returning to the US, usually makes them that much more homesick. The fact that her father is dying has to be very hard on her also. Most I know wish they could return to their country permanently some day.

Second, she came here - big adjustment; got married - big adjustment; had a baby - big adjustment.

I don't know if she's cheating or not, or just confused about what she wants. Definitely sending the picture was very inappropriate. I don't get the sense that she is romantically interested in another man.

Nevertheless, it might be good to keylog and VAR for a short time to see if anything comes up. Definitely take actions so she can't take your kid back there without your permission.

Use this as an opportunity to discuss what is and isn't acceptable in your marriage, as far as friends of the opposite sex, conversations with the opposite sex, sharing access to accounts and passwords, etc.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

alexsmith said:


> We have been arguing about finances, as it is expensive to go to Brazil, and I also feel as the breadwinner my money only goes to make her happy. No vacation for me.
> 
> So I told her if she goes in the future, she will have to pay. She came back and started crying about having to get a job, who will watch our kid etc. She thinks I am controlling and do not want her to see her mom and dad. her brother also died last year, so basically our entire marriage has sucked. her brother had kidney cancer, dad has brain cancer etc. Then mix in as soon as we were married she became pregnant and we have been raising a child.
> 
> So that is what we fought about.


If you want to stay married to her, you are going to have to allow her to go see her relatives who are dying.

Also, you are going to have to rationally discuss a budget that allows you BOTH to visit her home country at least every other year.

I don't think it is fair to ask her to never go back home to see her relatives.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

She went to brazil one time previously, and the day she returned she was all emotional, upset, big arguments.

To me it seems when she is in Brazil she has her mom, Dad, lots of aunts and uncles over, friends, nieces, nephews, and everyone coming to see her. So it is like a 3 week big party. She does not drink, not the type to go to bars etc. So when she comes back, it is me, her, and the baby. 

I am not sure what to think. I do not understand why she sent the photo, as it was not sexy at all, and there was no message attached. but why even take the time to send this photo? The guy also has a 2 yr old and is married. Could it really just be conversational as in "Brazil is so expensive. Just this dress was x amount"? There was also her mom in background of the photo. If she was doing this guy, why the need to send a casual pic anyway with her mom in the background? 

After seeing him, I cannot believe any woman would find him attractive. however who knows. She was in various magazines and on TV in Brazil, so she is attractive, however this guy look like some short ugly guy who really could be just a friend. Once again, who knows however.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Start thinking a bit here, man. 

The dress was bought in Brazil, was the photo taken in Brazil? If the photo was taken here, she sent it to him for the simple reason that he picked out and bought the dress for her and he didn't get to see her wear it. Probably gave it to her the last time they saw each other.

See, when women travel, this is any woman, solo or with a hen gaggle to see a dying relative, attend a funeral, or to celebrate a wedding, they are emotional vulnerable and since you aren't there to comfort them, other men will step in to provide that comfort. If I was married to a nordic blonde, I still wouldn't let them attend one of these occasions alone, much less sending my wife back to her home country alone for one. When she's down there, she's back home where she was single, around all her friends and places from when she was single, remembering what it was like to be in the warm sun and sand and single, getting all that attention in her fio dental bikini.

I've been married 30 years and my wife is very Americanized, but she's still part of her home culture and in my half-baked opinion Brazil is probably even worse than Venezuela and Mexico, the countries I have solid experience with. I known a few guys over the years who used to have Brazilian wives. My Brazilian co-workers used to tell stories, hell you're married to one, so you it's past time to do your research. It all happens on trips back home and the families don't really block for you, because they want her to come back home. Even if you're really, really loaded. YMMV, but those are the generalities.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Start thinking a bit here, man.
> 
> The dress was bought in Brazil, was the photo taken in Brazil? If the photo was taken here, she sent it to him for the simple reason that he picked out and bought the dress for her and he didn't get to see her wear it. Probably gave it to her the last time they saw each other.


After she was there for about 3 days she told me her godmother gave her a pre birthday gift to go shopping and buy something. So she told me she bought a dress on the phone. I thought nothing of it.

The photo was taken in Brazil and sent while she was in Brazil.

She sent the picture during the middle of her trip when I looked at the date in the email.

Not trying to be on her side, but she is with out son 24 7 while here, and he has not spent time alone from her at all. I would hate to think she left the kid with her mom to go have sex with this other married guy who has a 2 year old. Who is 5 ft tall. It is possible, of course. 

Maybe he did buy it for her.. I have no proof. She claims she never saw him while there. My wife never really was the stereotypical sexy/party/wild type South American woman. She lived with her mom until 30, never drank etc.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

alexsmith said:


> After she was there for about 3 days she told me her godmother gave her a pre birthday gift to go shopping and buy something. So she told me she bought a dress on the phone. I thought nothing of it.
> 
> The photo was taken in Brazil and sent while she was in Brazil.
> 
> ...


Maybe the guy has a 50 ft tall bank account. If the dots don't connect, they don't connect. Tell her you're sorry, you jumped to conclusions and don't even understand why. Suck up to her and paper over everything. But keep watching her commo and her behavior. Just make sure you act like you don't have a care in the world. Bug her phone and keylog her computer.

IDK, maybe the guy is up here and not in Brazil.

And don't forget to block travel for the kid. No need to tell her about that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The story about the dress really is nonsensical. There's definitely something going on there that she hasn't told you - whether it's dangerous to your M is unknown without any real details.

I can say that I've lived in other countries and know how it feels to come home to family and friends; when you are back in the home country, you can feel disconnected emotionally from your life in your new home. You definitely should be sympathetic to her feelings of loneliness and homesickness & understand her desires to connect with her own culture. At the same time, you very seriously have to watch your own back when it comes to your child. Please make sure you always have safeguards in place to ensure that the baby cannot be spirited out of the country.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

I am caught in between 2 spots.

1. I have known her and lived with her, and she seems to be innocent, naive, raised in a very old fashioned way, not really the sexual type as even we did not sleep together for a long time while dating etc. 

2. Just the thought that all of this might be some act is crushing when I think of it. I would like to think she sent the photo in a completely naive manner, but on the other hand who knows. 

I do not have a large group of friends I stay in contact with like she does. They group up in the same community, keep in contact etc. It seems to be a no win. If I alienate her from this I am controlling, if I pay no attention perhaps I am naive.

As of now his Facebook is removed as is his wife's facebook, so I am guessing my emails to both of them caused quite a fight between them.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

If she is innocent, why would she tell something that was not true? So for the time being, trust, but verify.
Keep up your vigil.


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't know man. This could go either way. You have no real evidence. Even the lie was Ticky tacky. 

I would still be concerned, I'd go the key logger route. But I'd stop accusing her of things, going to make her resent you. Try doing something nice instead, take her out or something. Also you can't keep her away from dieing dad that makes you an a$$hole. If you do you deserve to be divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

alexsmith said:


> She spent 3 weeks there.
> 
> So she returned and we ended up fighting really bad. She said she wants a divorce etc..She said she is not happy, does not know who she is etc.. Then the next day she acts as if nothing happened.
> 
> ...


Alex, I've pared down your original posts to the timeline above. Is this the correct sequence of how it happened? She went, she came back upset, she said she wanted divorce, you snooped and found the photo email, she deleted it and denied it.

If that is how it happened there is something bad afoot. However the dress picture may not be deeply involved. That is, what she told you about the dress may be totally true.

One thing I have learned from my own experiences over the past few years is that it is very easy to confabulate a horrific scenario out of a few facts. Our imaginations and insecurities team up to create this whole sequence of _possibile_ events.

But another thing I have learned is that when our gut tells us something is wrong, something _is_ wrong. It may not be the thing we have seen, but we know something is wrong.

I think that may be where you are at. This dress photo is the trigger but it may not be the actual evidence. And the conclusions you derive from the picture may not be accurate.

Another possible scenario is this. As others have described, she was homesick and emotional from her family illnesses. She did buy the dress exactly as she told you. This other man and she became friendly and talked about things. Your wife got to thinking how much she misses home. This guy _represents_ but is not himself an alternative life path for her. She doesn't want to be with him. But she has established a bond with him in some way, though she knows it cannot be escalated. Keeping contact with him was a way to keep a finger touching that alternate possible life path of living back home.

I think there is a big problem in your marriage but it is not that she had an affair with this guy. I think she is considering her options and having strong desires to go home. Which do not have to be a negative statement on you. I am sure we are all deficient as spouses, and so you surely are not the perfect husband. The thing is she has to tell you what she needs and desires from you, and she has to tell you what bugs her about you. And I think you need to get her to open up about her feelings towards living in a different country etc.

So what you two need is some very open honest communication. It will have to be in a safe environment where you can both feel safe to reveal your thoughts and feelings without worrying about being blamed or punished. When you do talk with her, the best thing you can do is just listen and ask further questions. Acknowledge what she says without judgment. Don't try to correct her or inform her of your opinion. Repeat back a short snippet of what she said so she knows you are hearing her. You will learn all kinds of things if you just let her talk. 

I think you need to tell her that you were upset by the picture and upset at finding this man on her FaceBook. You overreacted by jumping to the conclusion that there had been an affair, probably because you hear so much in the media these days about affairs and social media. But then I think you should directly tell her that she seems obviously distressed upon returning to the USA and you are concerned. And you want her to tell you whenever something is bothering her. IDK if it is a cultural barrier that she will not feel free to open up to you. But your goal imho is to communicate to her that she is safe to tell whatever is on her mind even if it is not pleasant or easy. IF she feels homesick or if she has desires to move back to Brazil, it is ok that she has those feelings, and you want to help her find a way to be happy.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

Thor said:


> Alex, I've pared down your original posts to the timeline above. Is this the correct sequence of how it happened? She went, she came back upset, she said she wanted divorce, you snooped and found the photo email, she deleted it and denied it.
> 
> If that is how it happened there is something bad afoot. However the dress picture may not be deeply involved. That is, what she told you about the dress may be totally true.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

I have an issue with how she handled it too. She took the Ipad to the bathroom, deleted it, then said she never sent it. This went on for hours. It wasnt until a day later that she told me she sent it to explain expensive prices in Brazil. The guy lives in Brazil so I am sure he knows prices.

I emailed him and his wife and never got any reply. Not sure what to make of that.Personally if it was me I would reply.

And also the email account I looked at was not her main account. So I have no idea what is in the main account and also think of that.

Even if it is just friendly I am bothered that she is even talking to men I do not know, especially when she is away. If the roles were reversed I am sure she would be furious.

My feelings go back and forth but I just cannot believe she sent a photo just to talk about prices.

Why
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

alexsmith said:


> I have an issue with how she handled it too. She took the Ipad to the bathroom, deleted it, then said she never sent it. This went on for hours. It wasnt until a day later that she told me she sent it to explain expensive prices in Brazil. The guy lives in Brazil so I am sure he knows prices.
> 
> I emailed him and his wife and never got any reply. Not sure what to make of that.Personally if it was me I would reply.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

Key logger dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

alexsmith said:


> I have an issue with how she handled it too. She took the Ipad to the bathroom, deleted it, then said she never sent it. This went on for hours. It wasnt until a day later that she told me she sent it to explain expensive prices in Brazil. The guy lives in Brazil so I am sure he knows prices.
> 
> I emailed him and his wife and never got any reply. Not sure what to make of that.Personally if it was me I would reply.
> 
> ...


Why does she have more than one email account? Why does she say she does?

Does she give you access to all of her email accounts? Have you asked for access? If she doesn't give you access, why not?

What is her reply when you tell that the other guy already lives in Brazil and knows darn well how expensive things are in Brazil?

Why did she say she deleted it?

He was her facebook friend. Did you ask her how she knows him? And why he was her facebook friend? And why she sent him, and only him, the photo, with no words? If so, how does she explain these things?


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Sorry that you are here. I can feel your pain. Most of us have already been in your position.

I guess he knows her since before your marriage. He might not have seen her in recent times - hence the photo. They might be in touch over emails or otherwise. 

Whenever she went to her town, old memories must have made her repent her decision to marry you. That's why all that drama after she came back.

Their old relationship might/might not be sexual, but it must have been emotionally close. 

I strongly suspect he is her relative, or was a neighbor.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Thor has some great thoughts. To me, the big question is who is she talking to here in the states? Why is the phone on lockdown and why does facebook get sent to the back when Alex walks into the room?

Alex, what does your wife do all day?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Thor has some great thoughts. To me, the big question is who is she talking to here in the states? Why is the phone on lockdown and why does facebook get sent to the back when Alex walks into the room?
> 
> Alex, what does your wife do all day?


Time to take a day off work and track her and yes keylogger also and multiple vars inthe house and car if she has one.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Being portuguese i know plenty of guys who married brazilian women. Almost without exception it went sour. They are pretty good at attracting a guy, but after that? Better watch out for your stuff. 

Plus, if she went home during some Carnival season you can bet on her having made some "connections". Also they have a bad tendency to flee with the kids. And once in Brazil you can't do nothing. International protocols be damned, they only seem to work one way, their way...


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Thor has some great thoughts. To me, the big question is who is she talking to here in the states? Why is the phone on lockdown and why does facebook get sent to the back when Alex walks into the room?
> 
> Alex, what does your wife do all day?


She is a stay at home mom. 

I never thought she was cheating with anyone in the states, and I can only guess she would close her facebook etc so I do not get jealous over nothing..I can see that as I might talk to a high school friend, but also not want her to see, as it really is nothing.

I think the main thing is she has too much time, so I am having her fill out job apps. I made life too easy for her, and in a way I regret it. I am thinking she should be happy with what I provide, but she does not seem happy anyway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Their closing the facebook accounts could also mean that they are taking it undergroud. Or they opened new ones that you don't know aobut.

If you emailed that guy and his wife, he's probably to busy being beat upon by his wife. They are not going to respond to you. Why would his wife allow any further contact of any kind?

Keylogger is a very good idea.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Their closing the facebook accounts could also mean that they are taking it undergroud. Or they opened new ones that you don't know aobut.
> 
> If you emailed that guy and his wife, he's probably to busy being beat upon by his wife. They are not going to respond to you. Why would his wife allow any further contact of any kind?
> 
> Keylogger is a very good idea.


Or he may have intercepted the email to his wife. Try again.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

What are your views on things like Facebook?

I have been frustrated by this for at least 9 months.

And it was not even out of jealousy.. I work, come home, we have dinner, little one goes to bed, then she is on Facebook. So if I talk it is like she is half listening. 

Most of it is her talking to other moms, posting pics of our kid, etc.. But I just feel completely lonely like I am not even married. When I bring this up she says she will use it less.. Then if I get up off the couch she looks at her IPAD real quick and starts using it..Or if I have to answer a work email, she then uses it.. She seems completely addicted to social media.

Then of course, she says this is me being controlling. It is like we cannot communicate at all. The only reason she even has so much free time is because I work so hard.


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## alexsmith (Dec 1, 2012)

So then this happened last night..

I noticed that now, after all this fighting, and her begging and claiming that it was nothing, she locked her Ipad. 

This pissed me off, and I tried to calmly explain "Look, I have a cell phone, and 2 computers here at home you can use at anytime. There are no locks.. This is not a marriage"

She then accused me of trying to snoop, said I am sick, and said the Ipad is hers (I am the one who bought it)..Then later she unlocked it, and said "here, go ahead, keep it"

WTF.. That's how our communication has been going.. She fails to see the big point that, at least in my opinion, when people are married they are not locking devices as it obviously seems like something strange is going on. She claims this is me being controlling.

I ended up leaving today to get a hotel, and left her spending money.. She called and texted like 50 times asking where I am, even though I told her where I was going. 

I just cannot seem to even talk to her without some sort of Bull****, in which she claims I am controlling.

Everyday when I work she has lunch with girlfriends and takes our son, she puts him in a music school, library group etc. I never ask what she does..I totally trusted her. I do not tell her what to do..

At this point I am just thinking it might be a good idea to stay away for a day just so we do not fight in front of the little one.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Regarding social media, I think this is a very common problem, both with men and women. I hate it. Unfortunately, I do this sometimes too - it's really to the detriment of our society, but it's reality.

One idea is for everyone to time themselves each day on how many hours is spent on it. Spend 10 mintes, 2 hours, or 30 seconds, time it, and see what it adds up to during the whole day.

This may be a wake up call when your W sees she's on FB 8 hours a day or something.

Have a set time in the evening or whatever, when all devices are off. TV, computer, smartphone, ipad, everything off. You will be forced to interact as humans.

I feel you on this one. It's an issue in our house as well, and I believe in most houses today.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

alexsmith said:


> She then accused me of trying to snoop, said I am sick, and said the Ipad is hers (I am the one who bought it)..Then later she unlocked it, and said "here, go ahead, keep it"
> 
> WTF.. That's how our communication has been going.. She fails to see the big point that, at least in my opinion, when people are married they are not locking devices as it obviously seems like something strange is going on. She claims this is me being controlling.


Controlling is a word used by people who are trying to manipulate the other person! Accusing you of being controlling is something she thinks will get you to back down.

You haven't posted anything which really screams at me that she has had or is in an affair. There are no guarantees of course but that is my sense. However, the ploy she is using is a typical one used by cheaters who are trying to get their spouse to back down on the spying or on limiting their nights out on the town.

I think it is time to have the privacy vs secrecy discussion with her. Everyone deserves privacy (until they lose that right via dishonesty or deception). Privacy is her closing the door when she uses the toilet. Privacy is her going into the other room when she is having a phone conversation with her sister. Secrecy though is behavior which hides important facts from you. For example she goes into the bathroom, locks the door, and then texts with someone. You don't know she is texting, nor do you know who with or what they are saying. Or, she goes out "to the store" and then makes phone calls specifically so you are not aware she is calling someone.

That behavior is secretive. She is deceiving you and/or she is being directly dishonest with you.

You don't need to know the contents of her phone calls with family, but it is deceptive to intentionally hide from you the fact she is even making a phone call.

So no you are not being controlling by wanting transparency in her communications. You are not asking to have her show you every message or to let you listen in on every conversation. You are simply asking that nothing be hidden from you. You are also telling her that secretive behavior has the appearance of being dishonest, thus you become suspicious.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

You did catch her. The extent is TBD.

PS - I can't stand FB.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

I too can't stand even the mention of FB. 

FB is really a silent killer. It has created so many heart burns and broken houses - The advantages seem to be shadowed by the disadvantages.

Don't think you are alone.


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