# POF and Dating



## NoMoreTears4me

Ok so I stuck my toe into the online dating stuff.

Its kind of exciting but a little scary too.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Coming out of a 18 year marriage.


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## lucy999

I did OLD for a year. Met my current BF of almost 4 years on POF. 

POF moves faaast. And, as I was winding down my OLD, it got to be pretty much booty call requests. Who knows what it's like almost 4 years later? In fact, I had to add this to my profile: "While I appreciate the ego stroke, no booty calls please. I can have those at any time. I want a committed, long-term relationship." Be prepared to have your inbox inundated. It can be a full-time job. Try your best to answer each guy. If you're not interested, a short and respectful, thanks but no thanks is a nice touch. Also, the MILF boys will come out in droves.

re: your profile-Be honest and don't write a treatise. Don't get heavy-keep it light. Avoid cliche phrases like, "I'm laid back." If you have a sense of humor, showcase that. Have someone you can trust to be honest, critique it (I had my friend who's a guy read it and give me feedback). Use current, full length pictures with a date stamp on them. If you don't, the men will think you have something to hide.

Don't get too specific when you're talking online-divulge nothing that they can track you down IRL. Keep your IRL meetings brief and in public. Pay for your own coffee, lunch, etc. 

And most of all, HAVE FUN! I'm excited for you.:smile2:


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## Ynot

First off I would suggest a pat to plat site as opposed to e free one. A small fee weeds out a lot.
Secondly as has been advised, be light hearted, stay away from cliches, and be honest in your profile.
Thirdly don't talk about how much you are over your ex etc etc because if you are going to talk about in your profile you probably aren't really over it
Fourth, use current photos
Finally expect the same from your suitors
And I forgot to say, be brave, overcome your fears and don't turn the process into text or email fest. Suggest a face to face if one isn't offered ASAP in a public place such as a coffee shop at a mall. Some people get off on stringing you along. A quick meeting will weed out the one's who are not serious or allow you to weed out the one's you don't click with.


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## 3Xnocharm

Don't drag out messaging and phone calls for weeks, try to meet face to face within about a week. Otherwise you end up wasting A LOT of time on people you don't connect with.


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## Marc878

Get some new clothes, shoes, boots, cologne. 

After Christmas sales you can get a new wardrobe very inexpensive. 

Women like a well dressed man. Take a female that has Good taste with you. No, not your mom!!!!!!


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## Evinrude58

Good advice you've gotten: the pay sites weed out some, meet in person with a friend along in a public place. Be prepared for pics that are 10 yes old. Don't be fooled. Everybody sounds great over texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot

I think I would avoid taking a friend along but you should definitely have a protocol in place to checking. Let someone know where you are going and have predetermined signal that everything is OK


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## lucy999

OP please accept my profuse apologies. I learned a valuable lesson today. I didn't think to view your profile! I thought you were female. If the MILF boys _still_ come out to play, and if that's not your thing, RUN!:grin2:

So sorry.


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## Bananapeel

I'll give my perspective of OLD. I briefly tried it because I wanted to brush off the cobwebs after being out of the market for so long, but I didn't like it. There are a lot of women with old pictures that don't resemble what they currently look like (e.g. have gained 50 lbs and aged 5+ years since the pics were taken) so make sure to ask directly when the pics were taken and have them send a whole body pic before you take them out (face only pics indicate that they are probably overweight and trying to hide it). Plus, because so many guys are on there trying to get a booty call it's a sellers market for them. I went out with 6 different women in 2 months from various sites and wouldn't pursue a second date with any of them, despite some of them telling me that I could score with them if I wanted. I just didn't find the girls to be high enough quality for my tastes and I don't date down. However, if you live in a bigger city than I do then maybe the selection is better. I know some people that have had good luck with it, but I personally prefer to go about dating the old fashioned way. Although quite honestly, after those few girls from OLD I decided that I wasn't really ready to date yet and need to take a break for a while longer. Good luck!


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## Dude007

I think its a train wreck to even attempt to date already. What if you start to fall for someone? Yet, you aren't really over your ex and your spouse picker is not fixed. You may try to find the opposite of her and think thats the perfect one??!! Only to be back on here four years from now. I know dudes are anxious to get out there, but if you have the will power to only work on you and take care of your boys you will mitigate EVER having to come back to TAM once healed. DUDE


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## JohnA

Sunday brunch is a great first date. It is public, it is time neutral, and provides a longer time frame to talk. The girls I date loved it as a first date. Brunch is usually over around one so we meet at 11 at the restaurant. Super safe for them and allows them to relax and simply enjoy the meal and company,

(time neutral in the sense a weekend dinner and movie may have unspoken undertones)


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## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> I think its a train wreck to even attempt to date already. What if you start to fall for someone? Yet, you aren't really over your ex and your spouse picker is not fixed. You may try to find the opposite of her and think thats the perfect one??!! Only to be back on here four years from now. I know dudes are anxious to get out there, but if you have the will power to only work on you and take care of your boys you will mitigate EVER having to come back to TAM once healed. DUDE



I think its just to stroke my ego a little. I don't want anything really other than someone to hang with. I have had to push back on this one girl. She wants way more than that. I set her straight. Im not after anything physical. Just wanted a friend.


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## Heatherknows

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I think its just to stroke my ego a little. I don't want anything really other than someone to hang with. I have had to push back on this one girl. She wants way more than that. I set her straight. Im not after anything physical. Just wanted a friend.


Why don't you just Skype with them. This way you don't even have to meet them in person and the whole date could last 15 minutes if needed.


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## Dude007

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I think its just to stroke my ego a little. I don't want anything really other than someone to hang with. I have had to push back on this one girl. She wants way more than that. I set her straight. Im not after anything physical. Just wanted a friend.


But as hurt as you were, what if it makes you "feel" better, a distraction, and then you never heal properly? I'm just saying beware of "classic avoidance"....DUDE


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## NoMoreTears4me

Dude007 said:


> But as hurt as you were, what if it makes you "feel" better, a distraction, and then you never heal properly? I'm just saying beware of "classic avoidance"....DUDE


Im with ya. I was experimenting a little. I have backed off. It was nice just to talk to someone.

Problem is I don't know if I will ever really be healed. I also feel like I aint getting no younger. 

Anyway it was just something to do.


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## Evinrude58

Let me just say that the online women chasing thing can be addictive. You have all these women telling you how great you are and how sweet you are, and how you are this and that and they want to do this and that with you.....
It's all fantasy to an extent, until you actually meet them. Then some will seem great at first. It's stressful, but ego boosting and strange all at the same time. 

If I had it to do over, I'd have just chilled a while. Once the women you know find out you're available, they seem to come sniffing around. Just be ready for one that you think highly of. Yes, I forgot you were a guy. Don't bring a friend along, lol.
Be advised there are women out there that will do whatever if you'll pay one of their bills, let them stay at your place, buy them groceries, scam artists galore. You'd better learn quick! The online world can be a very bad place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado

I just did a search on POF for the first time. Definitely some interesting ladies on there, can't say I've seen an potential long terms just by pictures. Most seem to be overweight or with a ton of tats.

I read your thread, you've had to deal with a lot of emotions with the way your wife treated and left you. I guess I'm luckly and haven't had any connections with my wife in over 4 years. Hell, not even roommates. Roommates talk! If I divorced tomorrow, I'd be ready to date the next day.


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## NextTimeAround

Marc878 said:


> Get some new clothes, shoes, boots, cologne.
> 
> After Christmas sales you can get a new wardrobe very inexpensive.
> 
> Women like a well dressed man. Take a female that has Good taste with you. No, not your mom!!!!!!


that's right!

ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man


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## Heatherknows

GuyInColorado said:


> I just did a search on POF for the first time. Definitely some interesting ladies on there, can't say I've seen an potential long terms just by pictures. Most seem to be overweight or with a ton of tats.
> 
> I read your thread, you've had to deal with a lot of emotions with the way your wife treated and left you. I guess I'm luckly and haven't had any connections with my wife in over 4 years. Hell, not even roommates. Roommates talk! If I divorced tomorrow, I'd be ready to date the next day.


Ton of tats???

What age group are you looking at?


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## GuyInColorado

Heatherknows said:


> Ton of tats???
> 
> What age group are you looking at?


28-38

Seems like 50% have tats covering neck, arms, legs, etc. lol. I'm not bashing it, just not for me.


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## Heatherknows

GuyInColorado said:


> 28-38
> 
> Seems like 50% have tats covering neck, arms, legs, etc. lol. I'm not bashing it, just not for me.


...YIKES

I'm freaking old. I'm 47 and don't have one tat..and don't want one.

I think I'll become a nun if my marriage doesn't work out. I'm sure there's atheists nuns somewhere.


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## Marc878

The more things you do and get involved in the faster you'll move on.

Put stuff on your calendar and do them.

You can get in a rut staying at home too much.


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## RisingSun

A few weeks after my second separation I created a POF profile. I made it clear that I was just looking around, still healing and not ready to date. Within minutes of posting my profile I received three emails from women. One gave her your sympathies and offered a shoulder to cry on. Ummm... nope. The neediness of some people is apparent, end it also makes you think about how many people are lonely and hurting.

I've chatted with a couple of very interesting women who seem strong, independent, and know what they want. Two have been very interested in meeting, but I'm not ready for that yet. I made it clear to them that I was still healing but was up to chatting if they were, but not ready for anything more just yet. Some were ok with that, others were not and that is fine. I may end up by deleting my profile for a few months so when I go back I'm ready to actually start to date. 

I have to say... It's been nice to chat with women and get to know different women again. I feel good about not misleading people, and I am just enjoying the ride so far. I think I'm doing a good job of filtering out the crazies, for lack of a better word.


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## gouge_away

I've had a lot of fun dating multiple women. Usually I chat with them on POF for a few days before phone numbers are exchanged. Then a week of texting, sending pics back and forth before actually meeting.

I have met a few within days of initial contact, but that isn't always possible with my schedule.

My impression is that most women hate dating games and want to settle on one guy. They will try and convince you to give up dating.

However I personally enjoy the dates, it gets expensive, but worth it I think.

Don't date down, keep at least 2 in the kitty so you don't get too attached to quickly, and at the first sign of RED FLAGS, NEXT EM.


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## RisingSun

After some setbacks over the past few days I've decided to deactivate my dating site profiles. With NYE, NY and my wedding anniversary date I realized I still have a lot of healing to do before I'm ready for dating. It was nice to chat with women, but some wanted to meet, and I wasn't ready for that. I was basically wasting their time, and it was little more than a distraction for me. I'll take a few months to focus on myself and heal some more before trying again.


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## Nomorebeans

RisingSun said:


> After some setbacks over the past few days I've decided to deactivate my dating site profiles. With NYE, NY and my wedding anniversary date I realized I still have a lot of healing to do before I'm ready for dating. It was nice to chat with women, but some wanted to meet, and I wasn't ready for that. I was basically wasting their time, and it was little more than a distraction for me. I'll take a few months to focus on myself and heal some more before trying again.


This is where I am right now. I've looked at POF and seen some interesting men, but I'd be terrified to meet them and date at this juncture. I'm just not ready to put myself out there yet. My ex just moved out in May. Divorce was final in July. This after only finding out about his cheating and starting proceedings in February.

I also wonder how many men would even want to date a 50 yo woman with a 14 yo son who isn't looking to just play the field for a while, but for a real connection and companionship.


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## RisingSun

Nomorebeans said:


> This is where I am right now. I've looked at POF and seen some interesting men, but I'd be terrified to meet them and date at this juncture. I'm just not ready to put myself out there yet. My ex just moved out in May. Divorce was final in July. This after only finding out about his cheating and starting proceedings in February.
> 
> I also wonder how many men would even want to date a 50 yo woman with a 14 yo son who isn't looking to just play the field for a while, but for a real connection and companionship.


I'm sure we will both heal after a while and be ready to jump in... or at least ready to push ourselves to try.

I would think there are a lot of guys looking for a connection out there, who would gladly accept a woman's kids. I am one of them, or at least will be, eventually.


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## tech-novelist

Heatherknows said:


> ...YIKES
> 
> I'm freaking old. I'm 47 and don't have one tat..and don't want one.
> 
> I think I'll become a nun if my marriage doesn't work out. I'm sure there's atheists nuns somewhere.


Here you go: https://www.quora.com/Is-there-an-atheist-equivalent-of-a-nun-monk

Isn't the internet wonderful? >


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## Heatherknows

technovelist said:


> Here you go: https://www.quora.com/Is-there-an-atheist-equivalent-of-a-nun-monk
> 
> Isn't the internet wonderful? >


Perfect!

I'll become a Buddhist Nun but with hair. :grin2:


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## Marc878

Heatherknows said:


> ...YIKES
> 
> I'm freaking old. I'm 47 and don't have one tat..and don't want one.
> 
> I think I'll become a nun if my marriage doesn't work out. I'm sure there's atheists nuns somewhere.


Ha! You're in your prime! No tats is very rare these days. Stay that way.


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## moco82

Are there dating sites/communities for people with young children?


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## Ynot

RisingSun said:


> After some setbacks over the past few days I've decided to deactivate my dating site profiles. With NYE, NY and my wedding anniversary date I realized I still have a lot of healing to do before I'm ready for dating. It was nice to chat with women, but some wanted to meet, and I wasn't ready for that. I was basically wasting their time, and it was little more than a distraction for me. I'll take a few months to focus on myself and heal some more before trying again.


Don't be in a hurry. Do it on your schedule. There is no timetable that you should allow anyone to set for you.


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## Ynot

Nomorebeans said:


> This is where I am right now. I've looked at POF and seen some interesting men, but I'd be terrified to meet them and date at this juncture. I'm just not ready to put myself out there yet. My ex just moved out in May. Divorce was final in July. This after only finding out about his cheating and starting proceedings in February.
> 
> I also wonder how many men would even want to date a 50 yo woman with a 14 yo son who isn't looking to just play the field for a while, but for a real connection and companionship.


NMB, don't even allow that last thought to enter your mind. Early on there is a lot of self rumination and feelings of wondering why anybody would want some one like yourself (who ever you are - that is not directed towards you). The reality is that if you take the time to figure out who you are, you will find someone who will accept you for who you are baggage and all (and I don't say that in a mean way - we all have baggage)


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## RisingSun

Ynot said:


> Don't be in a hurry. Do it on your schedule. There is no timetable that you should allow anyone to set for you.


Yes, I know. It's been a rough few days, especially New Years which would have been our wedding anniversary. What a setback.

I still love my stbxw, but realize and accept the end of the marriage was a good thing. I don't think she reconciled for the right reasons (lonely, jealous I had a gf), she had an emotional affair (not physical to my knowledge), was not authentic or honest, etc. I wish her the best in her future, and wish the same for me, too.

Sometimes my present and future feel so overwhelming. I'm pushing 50, no kids, live in a small town with a small dating pool, having to start over... phew. That said, I am looking forward to dating again and have a lot to offer the right woman. Eventually, anyway. 

There are still ups and downs, and I feel very lonely sometimes. I do spend time with friends and family, but come home to an empty house and wake up alone. I do count my blessings... I have a roof over my head, a good job, stable health (living with stage 1 cancer, been over eight years), a supportive family, good friends. Life could certainly be worse.

My sister and many friends say my stbxw did me a favour by leaving. Cripes... she's wanted to leave three times and left twice. No more walking on eggshells. No more oh her faking the happy wife and marriage routine, no more feeling resented, etc. My sister is also convinced my stbxw is a narcissist, which makes sense given her odd behaviour, manipulation and choices.

Anyway... one day at a time.


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## Ynot

[/COLOR]


RisingSun said:


> Yes, I know. It's been a rough few days, especially New Years which would have been our wedding anniversary. What a setback.
> After a while the dates will start to be meaningless. The first few are tough and you will always knwo they are there, but after you survive one you realize that you can survive and you do
> I still love my stbxw, but realize and accept the end of the marriage was a good thing. I don't think she reconciled for the right reasons (lonely, jealous I had a gf), she had an emotional affair (not physical to my knowledge), was not authentic or honest, etc. I wish her the best in her future, and wish the same for me, too.
> Regardless of what happened - your attitude is the right one to have. You can choose to be angry and bitter or you can choose to have the the nest life you can. Accept that you will always love the person you married, but understand that that was not the person who left you. Some small part of that first person may still exist in the body of the second, but it is not up to you to find it or bring it out
> Sometimes my present and future feel so overwhelming. I'm pushing 50, no kids, live in a small town with a small dating pool, having to start over... phew. That said, I am looking forward to dating again and have a lot to offer the right woman. Eventually, anyway.
> I feel your pain. I was in similar circumstances myself. I was 54, empty nester and living and living in a very small town in a very rural county. The dating pool in my town was extremely small and not very appealing. But that is an attitude of scarcity, If you start off with that attitude that is what you will find.
> There are still ups and downs, and I feel very lonely sometimes. I do spend time with friends and family, but come home to an empty house and wake up alone. I do count my blessings... I have a roof over my head, a good job, stable health (living with stage 1 cancer, been over eight years), a supportive family, good friends. Life could certainly be worse.
> Yes, the loneliness sucks, but it serves a purpose. It allows you the opportunity to learn from the pain. Do not reject it or run from it, instead embrace if and use it to become a better person. The first step towards becoming a better person is to become comfortable with yourself and you can only do that alone. Counting your blessings is a great start.
> My sister and many friends say my stbxw did me a favour by leaving. Cripes... she's wanted to leave three times and left twice. No more walking on eggshells. No more oh her faking the happy wife and marriage routine, no more feeling resented, etc. My sister is also convinced my stbxw is a narcissist, which makes sense given her odd behaviour, manipulation and choices.
> Your friends are right, even though it may not feel like it at times. When you start to get down on yourself or feeling sorry for your self, remind your self of those feelings and really embrace the idea that now you are free to find whatever it is life that will make you happy. You may have started out with that, I think I did, but you change over time and so did your spouse. Now you have the opportunity to find it again. One caveat, is that way too may seek to find the ideal that worked for them before, instead of seeking the one that would work for them now.
> Anyway... one day at a time.


In the end that is all we can do. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. At first you stumble and trip, but then it gets easier and soon you will be hopping, skipping, running, jumping and dancing


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## RisingSun

Ynot said:


> [/COLOR]
> One caveat, is that way too may seek to find the ideal that worked for them before, instead of seeking the one that would work for them now.


Yes, for sure. I don't want to end up marrying the same woman. I have a good idea of the type of woman I would like to be with, eventually.

Right now, I am finding it both sad and painful to be missing someone who was so happy to leave. I know I am better off being alone and that the marriage is over, but it still really hurts. The legacy of loving someone who was not truly in love with you.

To better days ahead!


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## Ynot

RisingSun said:


> Yes, for sure. I don't want to end up marrying the same woman. I have a good idea of the type of woman I would like to be with, eventually.
> 
> Right now, I am finding it both sad and painful to be missing someone who was so happy to leave. I know I am better off being alone and that the marriage is over, but it still really hurts. The legacy of loving someone who was not truly in love with you.
> 
> To better days ahead!


And a corrollary to statement you were responding to is one that I realized on my recent travels. Far too often broken people try to "fix" themselves by becoming the person they used to be instead of taking advantage of the creative destruction to become a better version of themselves. I know when my ex left I was shattered into a million pieces. As I gathered them up I tried to recreate the me that had previously existed instead of using the pieces to recreate the new, improved, better version of myself that I could become.


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## RisingSun

Ynot said:


> And a corrollary to statement you were responding to is one that I realized on my recent travels. Far too often broken people try to "fix" themselves by becoming the person they used to be instead of taking advantage of the creative destruction to become a better version of themselves. I know when my ex left I was shattered into a million pieces. As I gathered them up I tried to recreate the me that had previously existed instead of using the pieces to recreate the new, improved, better version of myself that I could become.


Yes, I've been mindful of just that.


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## Nomorebeans

Ynot said:


> NMB, don't even allow that last thought to enter your mind. Early on there is a lot of self rumination and feelings of wondering why anybody would want some one like yourself (who ever you are - that is not directed towards you). The reality is that if you take the time to figure out who you are, you will find someone who will accept you for who you are baggage and all (and I don't say that in a mean way - we all have baggage)


No worries. I know what you mean, and that you don't mean that personally.

I was just having one of those days when I posted that where I could foresee a very long future of being alone.

What is the best OLD site, when I'm ready someday, for someone like myself to find men who are interested in a serious relationship - perhaps men of about my age who have kids my son's age or (preferably) older? Is POF it? Or is eHarmony or match.com a better bet?


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## Ynot

Nomorebeans said:


> No worries. I know what you mean, and that you don't mean that personally.
> 
> I was just having one of those days when I posted that where I could foresee a very long future of being alone.
> 
> What is the best OLD site, when I'm ready someday, for someone like myself to find men who are interested in a serious relationship - perhaps men of about my age who have kids my son's age or (preferably) older? Is POF it? Or is eHarmony or match.com a better bet?


Hey, no worries. I still have my bad days as well. But I found that it really does help for someone to come along and derail that train before it gets a chance to gain momentum.

As for OLD, I think it depends on where you are at, as to which site is the best. Generally I think a pay to play site is probably better than a free site. Free sites tend to attract a lot of flakes who are just there to stoke their own egos since it costs them nothing but time. OTOH the pay sites tend to keep some of those flakes at bay. I do think though the more expensive sites, may limit your pool of potential partners.

One other thing about not just OLD but any dating is you really need to re-assess how you look at it. I think the biggest mistake we all make post divorce is our choice of what we are looking for post divorce. Often times we seek to attempt to recreate what we used to have - ie a serious long term relationship. However, I think the best way to move forward is to look at it as just having fun and seeing what is out there IOW don't go into it with expectations. Date to have fun, to meet new people, to see new places, to experience new things, but most of all to find out what you really want.

I think too many of us go into it looking for commitment, which in reality is the last thing we need moving forward. This creates all sorts of expectations on ourselves and others and leads to a lot of disappointment and unneccessary pressure.

That is not to say go out and date a bunch of players just looking for a quickie. Those guys will make themselves known soon enough. But there are a lot of men (and women) out there who are in the same boat as you are, probably more so than you can even begin to imagine. The world is a big place and offers you an unlimited selection of possibilities - go and explore it, you don't have to settle anymore.


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## RisingSun

Wow... I let a woman know on a dating site that I was taking down my profile. I was frank, stating that I still needed time to recover from my separation and was not ready to date, didn't want to hurt someone or be hurt, etc. She's given me her personal email and there are hints she'd like to hook up. As appealing as this is on some levels, I'm not going to be exploring this possibility. Just not ready yet, but a fun look at things to come, maybe. No pun intended. Ok, pun intended.


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## Ynot

RisingSun said:


> Wow... I let a woman know on a dating site that I was taking down my profile. I was frank, stating that I still needed time to recover from my separation and was not ready to date, didn't want to hurt someone or be hurt, etc. She's given me her personal email and there are hints she'd like to hook up. As appealing as this is on some levels, I'm not going to be exploring this possibility. Just not ready yet, but a fun look at things to come, maybe. No pun intended. Ok, pun intended.


Good thinking. One thing I noticed early on is that the law of attraction is very strong on OLD. Like attracts like. If you are broke, you will attract broken people. There are a lot of very lonely people out there.
After years of even just duty sex or no sex at all, they suddenly find the cage has been opened and just can't wait to pounce.


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## RisingSun

What does OLD stand for?


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## Dude007

Nomorebeans said:


> I was just having one of those days when I posted that where I could foresee a very long future of being alone.


Some dream of this scenario....DUDE


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## arbitrator

RisingSun said:


> What does OLD stand for?


*On-Line Dating*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows

RisingSun said:


> Wow... I let a woman know on a dating site that I was taking down my profile. I was frank, stating that I still needed time to recover from my separation and was not ready to date, didn't want to hurt someone or be hurt, etc. She's given me her personal email and there are hints she'd like to hook up. As appealing as this is on some levels, I'm not going to be exploring this possibility. Just not ready yet, but a fun look at things to come, maybe. No pun intended. Ok, pun intended.


It's cool to know there are women out there that want to meet you. You'll be ready when you're ready. If I got divorced I'd probably date right away out of fear and loneliness. (I probably wouldn't be a very good date..unless you like train wrecks.)


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## RisingSun

arbitrator said:


> *On-Line Dating*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Duh... thanks, I should have picked up on that.


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## RisingSun

Heatherknows said:


> It's cool to know there are women out there that want to meet you. You'll be ready when you're ready. If I got divorced I'd probably date right away out of fear and loneliness. (I probably wouldn't be a very good date..unless you like train wrecks.)


Pretty much why I'm not dating. Not over my stbxw.


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## arbitrator

RisingSun said:


> Pretty much why I'm not dating. Not over my stbxw.


*I'm over my RSXW, but my fairly recent venture into OLD has yielded a combination of some flaky, psychotic and financially insecure women!

Truth be told, they probably think the very same thing of me ~ if not, worse!

But I refuse to quit and I'll keep on trying ~ after all, it will only take one really special lady to hopefully make it all click and make the arduous process with the journey worthwhile!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family

I'm talking to one right now that seems ready and raring to go. 

I do want to put the brakes on, my life is very busy. At the same time, we seem like we may click. So I am not sure. She has a few red flags but really who doesn't. It's a matter of staying at 50kft about it. 

I would like to arrange a meet up in person. I just hopes she understands when I tell her that while I don't normally talk to a woman I just met for 1 hour and a half on the phone. (A good sign) That I am in totally new territory, and want anything I do to be taken slow, even if that means the cost of a potential relationship. 

One hard part in it is I have kids and she doesn't. So, I can't just put someone in my life unless they are strictly going to be something IMHO.


----------



## moco82

Are there any worthwhile sites other than Match, *******, PlentyOfFish, and eHarmoney? At least for a metro area in the Northeast/Midatlantic US.


----------



## Ynot

hope4family said:


> I'm talking to one right now that seems ready and raring to go.
> 
> I do want to put the brakes on, my life is very busy. At the same time, we seem like we may click. So I am not sure. She has a few red flags but really who doesn't. It's a matter of staying at 50kft about it.
> 
> I would like to arrange a meet up in person. I just hopes she understands when I tell her that while I don't normally talk to a woman I just met for 1 hour and a half on the phone. (A good sign) That I am in totally new territory, and want anything I do to be taken slow, even if that means the cost of a potential relationship.
> 
> One hard part in it is I have kids and she doesn't. So, I can't just put someone in my life unless they are strictly going to be something IMHO.


Man, you are in a great place! All of your filters are in place. Either she fits or she doesn't!


----------



## Bananapeel

moco82 said:


> Are there any worthwhile sites other than Match, *******, PlentyOfFish, and eHarmoney? At least for a metro area in the Northeast/Midatlantic US.


You forgot Tinder


----------



## moco82

Bananapeel said:


> You forgot Tinder


You're right. I meant proper old-school sites with longer profiles.


----------



## Wolf1974

moco82 said:


> Are there any worthwhile sites other than Match, *******, PlentyOfFish, and eHarmoney? At least for a metro area in the Northeast/Midatlantic US.


Used all of them and they are pretty good

Christian mingle maybe another on to look into


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

I think my thread got hijacked 

I have a date for this Saturday and next Friday. I have already had to get rid of one stalker from POF. 

I am super stoked for my date this Saturday. She even called me and said lets go to a movie too. We were just going to do dinner. So I am all in!

Unless of course she is actually a dude and then we are in trouble!


----------



## hope4family

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I think my thread got hijacked
> 
> I have a date for this Saturday and next Friday. I have already had to get rid of one stalker from POF.
> 
> I am super stoked for my date this Saturday. She even called me and said lets go to a movie too. We were just going to do dinner. So I am all in!
> 
> Unless of course she is actually a dude and then we are in trouble!


It got hijacked because you posted the right topic.  Keep it up man.


----------



## Evinrude58

I hated POF, but liked ZOOSK. I met my possible new wife on Match. Zoosk kept me busy, if you want busy. 

The great thing about online dating is the volume and selection. The bad thing about online dating is the women have all this volume and selection.


----------



## BetrayedDad

NoMoreTears4me said:


> She even called me and said lets go to a movie too.


Dude.... that's online dating code for sex. 

Don't forget the rubbers! Bow chicka wow wow....


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

hope4family said:


> I'm talking to one right now that seems ready and raring to go.
> 
> I do want to put the brakes on, my life is very busy. At the same time, we seem like we may click. So I am not sure. She has a few red flags but really who doesn't. It's a matter of staying at 50kft about it.
> 
> I would like to arrange a meet up in person. I just hopes she understands when I tell her that while I don't normally talk to a woman I just met for 1 hour and a half on the phone. (A good sign) That I am in totally new territory, and want anything I do to be taken slow, even if that means the cost of a potential relationship.
> 
> One hard part in it is I have kids and she doesn't. So, I can't just put someone in my life unless they are strictly going to be something IMHO.


So hour and a half on phone is good. The really sweet girl that I have been talking to, but have not met yet, talk all the time.

We chat on the phone most days and text late into the night. Topics are all over the place and I always hangup with a smile on my face.

I have kids, she has kids but we live about 50 minutes apart

Saturday will be our first date and I really hope we get along. But I cant imagine us not getting along. We have so much fun when we text and chat on the phone. She calls me on the way to work and I call her on the way home.

She is so much smarter than me as well. Big upgrade from my ex.

The only bad thing so far is she has younger kids which require a lot of her time. If things do click I would have to learn to step back so she can care for them. 

But both of our expectations are to have fun on our date. I think we will. If not and it doesn't work out I will keep trying to I find that special person that wants to be with me.

We all want and need love. Its a good thing that its not easy to find. If it was then it would not be worth pursuing.


----------



## Ynot

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So hour and a half on phone is good. The really sweet girl that I have been talking to, but have not met yet, talk all the time.
> 
> We chat on the phone most days and text late into the night. Topics are all over the place and I always hangup with a smile on my face.
> 
> I have kids, she has kids but we live about 50 minutes apart
> 
> Saturday will be our first date and I really hope we get along. But I cant imagine us not getting along. We have so much fun when we text and chat on the phone. She calls me on the way to work and I call her on the way home.
> 
> She is so much smarter than me as well. Big upgrade from my ex.
> 
> The only bad thing so far is she has younger kids which require a lot of her time. If things do click I would have to learn to step back so she can care for them.
> 
> But both of our expectations are to have fun on our date. I think we will. If not and it doesn't work out I will keep trying to I find that special person that wants to be with me.
> 
> We all want and need love. Its a good thing that its not easy to find. If it was then it would not be worth pursuing.


Not sure how long it has been for you, and if you have already heard this please excuse me for repeating. But don't compare anyone to your ex. Doing so involves making her a filter for your future happiness. So don't ever say "she isn't like my ex". Even though that may true, instead say, "she is what I am looking for". Small difference in perspective that makes a ton of differrence moving forward. 
I know early on I was motivated by "her". At first I was going to show her I was right, then I was going to prove her wrong, then I was going to be the man she said she wanted, and then I was going to do x,y and z for "her"!
Now I am motivated by me - what do I want, what do I need, who do I want to be, what do I want to be. I could care less about "her" anymore
Just go on your date, be yourself, have fun and don't have any expectations of her. Be yourself and your match will be attracted to when the time is right.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ok I have an opinion now on online dating. STAY OFF POF. Stick to pay sites like match. I am having great luck on match. POF has been a waste of time. Unless you are looking for a hook up or class 3 stalkers!


----------



## ne9907

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ok I have an opinion now on online dating. STAY OFF POF. Stick to pay sites like match. I am having great luck on match. POF has been a waste of time. Unless you are looking for a hook up or class 3 stalkers!


Is this because of the "sweet girl" you were talking to?


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

ne9907 said:


> Is this because of the "sweet girl" you were talking to?


Yes and the crazy one I met on POF


----------



## kingsfan

I'm nowhere near ready to date again but I think I will be hitting the OLD whenever I am ready to find a new partner. Seems like it would be a way to easy back into it without having to actually date someone. I can see myself being like one of the posters in this thread (maybe the OP?) and starting the OLD, realizing I'm not ready, and pulling back. Seems easier to do that online versus in real life.


----------



## Ynot

kingsfan said:


> I'm nowhere near ready to date again but I think I will be hitting the OLD whenever I am ready to find a new partner. Seems like it would be a way to easy back into it without having to actually date someone. I can see myself being like one of the posters in this thread (maybe the OP?) and starting the OLD, realizing I'm not ready, and pulling back. Seems easier to do that online versus in real life.


Don't date to "find a new partner" date to find out what you want in a new partner.


----------



## kingsfan

Ynot said:


> Don't date to "find a new partner" date to find out what you want in a new partner.


To me it's one I the same. I will date to find a new partner, but that partner has to pass the checklist for what I want in a partner.


----------



## Ynot

kingsfan said:


> To me it's one I the same. I will date to find a new partner, but that partner has to pass the checklist for what I want in a partner.


Then you are right, you aren't ready. When you are, you will understand the difference. Good luck


----------



## kingsfan

Ynot said:


> Then you are right, you aren't ready. When you are, you will understand the difference. Good luck


Please don't be all holier than thou. You're not.


----------



## Ynot

kingsfan said:


> Please don't be all holier than thou. You're not.


Oh believe me I am not. It is just that I was where you are now. So what I am saying is, you are right - you aren't ready. A sign that you are is when you understand the difference between dating to find a partner and dating to find out what you want in your next partner.

Dating to find a partner means that you go into the process looking for a specific person, which means your view is limited. A perspective of scarcity, which more often than not leads to disappointment

Dating to find out what you want in a partner means you go into the process with an open mind. A view of abundance, which leads to satisfaction.


----------



## bkyln309

Ynot said:


> Oh believe me I am not. It is just that I was where you are now. So what I am saying is, you are right - you aren't ready. A sign that you are is when you understand the difference between dating to find a partner and dating to find out what you want in your next partner.
> 
> Dating to find a partner means that you go into the process looking for a specific person, which means your view is limited. A perspective of scarcity, which more often than not leads to disappointment
> 
> Dating to find out what you want in a partner means you go into the process with an open mind. A view of abundance, which leads to satisfaction.



I dont think it means she is not ready to date. I think people date for many reasons. If she wants to date to find out what she wants in a new partner then we needs to state that (just put she is dating around nothing serious. Not sure what she wants). There are plenty of other people in the same boat out there.

If she knows, then she can specifically say this is what I am looking for. 

Obviously your needs and desires change the longer you date and the older you get. There is nothing wrong with both types of people out in the dating world.


----------



## Ynot

bkyln309 said:


> I dont think it means she is not ready to date. I think people date for many reasons. If she wants to date to find out what she wants in a new partner then we needs to state that (just put she is dating around nothing serious. Not sure what she wants). There are plenty of other people in the same boat out there.
> 
> If she knows, then she can specifically say this is what I am looking for.
> 
> Obviously your needs and desires change the longer you date and the older you get. There is nothing wrong with both types of people out in the dating world.


Actually that is by their own admission that they are not ready to date. And I firmly stand by what I said. Part of the reason people keep making the same mistakes over and over is because they go into things with predetermined expectations. You can't know what you want until you know what is there. And you'll never know what is there until you get there.
As for the reasons people date - the bottom line is we date for one reason - to find someone to have sex with (at least if you are being honest with your self and others)
But maybe you are right, as for me, I avoid people looking for their soul mate, other half, partner, spouse (fill in the blank) like the plague. I guess I don't understand the need to place that much pressure into what should be a fun and enjoyable endeavor.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ynot said:


> .
> the bottom line is we date for one reason - to find someone to have sex withQUOTE]
> 
> Im not sure I agree with that. While having someone that I am attracted to is important. My goal is not to find someone to have sex with.
> 
> I want to find someone to love and to love me.
> 
> Liking sex and looking for sex are not the same thing in my mind. While sex would be nice it is not #1 on my list.


----------



## Ynot

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ynot said:
> 
> 
> 
> .
> the bottom line is we date for one reason - to find someone to have sex withQUOTE]
> 
> Im not sure I agree with that. While having someone that I am attracted to is important. My goal is not to find someone to have sex with.
> 
> I want to find someone to love and to love me.
> 
> Liking sex and looking for sex are not the same thing in my mind. While sex would be nice it is not #1 on my list.
> 
> 
> 
> It may not be #1 but I would be willing to wager that it is still on your list and if you are willing to be truthful, it would be the underlying impetus of everything else on your list.
> I guess there are some people who imagine that having someone to hold their hand is all they are after. But again I would wager that any one being honest with themselves would recognize that their primary motivation is intimacy and nothing is more intimate than sex.
Click to expand...


----------



## kingsfan

Ynot said:


> Oh believe me I am not. It is just that I was where you are now. So what I am saying is, you are right - you aren't ready. A sign that you are is when you understand the difference between dating to find a partner and dating to find out what you want in your next partner.
> 
> Dating to find a partner means that you go into the process looking for a specific person, which means your view is limited. A perspective of scarcity, which more often than not leads to disappointment
> 
> Dating to find out what you want in a partner means you go into the process with an open mind. A view of abundance, which leads to satisfaction.


This makes more sense.

I think we are basically coming at this from the same angle. Everything you just said, I agree with what you are saying and I am doing -or will be doing- when I start the whole dating process again. I am not going in with a limited viewpoint. I think I will have a good idea of what I want, but who that person could be to fit that criteria could be anyone, and the criteria could shift as I am sure I will find out more about myself whenever I do start to get back into the dating game as well. 

I believe a large part of my journey towards another relationship is figuring out me and who I am, not just what I want. I don't know a lot right now, I just know I want to be happy and when it comes to a relationship I want someone who won't impede my happiness and will encourage it. The only person responsible for my happiness is me in the end, but the people I choose to bring into my life can impact greatly on that happiness, spouse likely the most of all.

It's a scary yet exciting journey. I feel like I'm going to meet myself for the first time in a long time, if that makes any sense.


----------



## Ynot

kingsfan said:


> This makes more sense.
> 
> I think we are basically coming at this from the same angle. Everything you just said, I agree with what you are saying and I am doing -or will be doing- when I start the whole dating process again. I am not going in with a limited viewpoint. I think I will have a good idea of what I want, but who that person could be to fit that criteria could be anyone, and the criteria could shift as I am sure I will find out more about myself whenever I do start to get back into the dating game as well.
> 
> I believe a large part of my journey towards another relationship is figuring out me and who I am, not just what I want. I don't know a lot right now, I just know I want to be happy and when it comes to a relationship I want someone who won't impede my happiness and will encourage it. The only person responsible for my happiness is me in the end, but the people I choose to bring into my life can impact greatly on that happiness, spouse likely the most of all.
> 
> It's a scary yet exciting journey. I feel like I'm going to meet myself for the first time in a long time, if that makes any sense.


Embrace the pain you are feeling now and grow from it. Embrace the fear and grow even more.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

Ynot said:


> NoMoreTears4me said:
> 
> 
> 
> It may not be #1 but I would be willing to wager that it is still on your list and if you are willing to be truthful, it would be the underlying impetus of everything else on your list.
> I guess there are some people who imagine that having someone to hold their hand is all they are after. But again I would wager that any one being honest with themselves would recognize that their primary motivation is intimacy and nothing is more intimate than sex.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't get me wrong I like sex and desire it. But I want so much more prior to having sex. I don't want a relationship without sex but I don't want sex without caring and compassion either. Does that make any sense?
Click to expand...


----------



## RisingSun

A few weeks ago I created a PoF profile just to have a look. It was encouraging to see so many women looking to date and it made me feel hopeful. My profile did not have a pic and there was no identifying info. I even listed a different town.

So today, an old high school teacher of mine messages me. She didn't know who I was, but man... that was funny. And no thanks.  She even kicked me out of class once.


----------



## Ynot

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ynot said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don't get me wrong I like sex and desire it. But I want so much more prior to having sex. *I don't want a relationship without sex* but I don't want sex without caring and compassion either. Does that make any sense?
> 
> 
> 
> It makes perfect sense and supports everything I said. Nobody said anything about screwing everything that moves.
Click to expand...


----------



## RisingSun

I decided to delete my OLD site profiles. I had posted to shortly after I separated for the second time. Not because I wanted to date but because I wanted to look around. It made me feel hopeful about the future. I did not post a picture on these profiles and there was no identifying information. I even stated that I was recovering from a separation and just looking around. I wasn't there to play mind games. 

My IC suggested that I do start to meet women for coffee or date as long as I don't jump into anything yet. As he put it, it would be about taking small steps toward my future.

I am almost at a point where I'm ready to meet someone for coffee and I have had a few offers so far. I've messaged with several women and it's been nice. The snag in all of this is that I'm not ready to post a picture on my profile, or to send one on request. I'm not sure why. I'm not a bad looking guy but I could stand to lose some weight. I know I have a lot to offer but there's just part of me that doesn't feel ready for this. 

Posting a pic on my profile would only be fair, show women I have nothing to hide (many suspect guys could be married or have a girlfriend), and probably lead to more possible connections. 

I feel good about deleting the profiles and I'll post new ones up, with pics, when I feel more ready for all this. I'm going to wait at least a month or two and see how I feel then.

FYI, this is not about my still having feelings for my ex. Let's just say that some new information came to light which allowed me to stop blaming myself and realize that the end of the marriage was most definitely a good thing, probably for both of us. My ex is on one crazy ride right now, and I'm glad to be off the roller coaster.


----------



## BetrayedDad

RisingSun said:


> I am almost at a point where I'm ready to meet someone for coffee and I have had a few offers so far. I've messaged with several women and it's been nice. The snag in all of this is that I'm not ready to post a picture on my profile, or to send one on request.


You're actually able to get date offers, from women mind you, without any profile pictures?

Am I the only one impressed by that?


----------



## MRR

BetrayedDad said:


> You're actually able to get date offers, from women mind you, without any profile pictures?
> 
> Am I the only one impressed by that?


No, you are not the only one...

I do not know if 'impressed' is quite the word, but certainly curious.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me

MRR said:


> No, you are not the only one...
> 
> I do not know if 'impressed' is quite the word, but certainly curious.



My experience has shown that POF is not the place to be.


----------



## RisingSun

The interest and the offers all happened after messaging back-and-forth for a while. I tried to weed out the obviously desperate ones, and chatted with others I found interesting. As you suggested we meet for coffee, and one told me she'd be in a city near me on Saturday of last weekend, told me the event should be at and that I should come see her and say hi. All very flattering. It's been nice just communicating with women after this recent separation.

Last night I deleted my two OLD profiles until I was ready to post new profiles with photos. A few women told me that many would be suspicious of a guy who would not want to post his picture, figuring he had something to hide... being married for example. I also want to avoid women being interested in me initially then seeing my picture and not feeling attracted. This has nothing to do with insecurity. I know I won't find every woman attractive and realize that not everyone and will be attracted to me, and that's just the way it is. But, I figure I might as well show these women what I look like and see how things develop. I'm really looking forward to seeing what develops but I'm just not ready to post that pic just yet.


----------



## BetrayedDad

RisingSun said:


> I did not post a picture on these profiles and there was no identifying information. I even stated that I was recovering from a separation and just looking around.





RisingSun said:


> I am almost at a point where I'm ready to meet someone for coffee and I have had a few offers so far.





RisingSun said:


> I tried to weed out the obviously desperate ones


With all due respect women who offer to meet men, whose divorces aren't final and don't even know what they look like, are ipso facto very desperate people.


----------



## RisingSun

BetrayedDad said:


> With all due respect women who offer to meet men, whose divorces aren't final and don't even know what they look like, are ipso facto very desperate people.


For sure! A few of them have been, and I'd weed them out. One even said something like, "I'm so sorry hun. If you need a shoulder to dry on I'm here for you." This was three minutes after I created my profile. Ummm... nope. Some sounded like they would take anything with a pulse so they would not be alone.

A few seemed to be more curious than desperate, and two were very intriguing, but I am just not ready. No rush.


----------



## GuyInColorado

OK... I've been talking to a girl I met on POF for the last week, we text hourly and talk on the phone for hours at night. Our schedules finally allowed us to meet for first time last night. Holy crap, we are head over heels for each other. It's silly how much we are into each other. I'm not sure where this will go, but oh boy is it fun and exciting. I've never felt like this about someone in all of my dating career, so I just don't know. Sorry, had to share! 

Oh, I did hookup with another girl on POF two times the first week I moved out but now we just talk like friends. So yes, POF is awesome! lol


----------



## header

BetrayedDad said:


> With all due respect women who offer to meet men, whose divorces aren't final and don't even know what they look like, are ipso facto very desperate people.


True.

Don't waste your time on the dating sites if you aren't going to post a picture.


----------



## Morgiana

header said:


> True.
> 
> Don't waste your time on the dating sites if you aren't going to post a picture.


There are very good reasons NOT to post a picture. My ex was a stalker, and continues to cause much legal angst and as such, my photo only goes on web sites that I can control access to. So much like everything, nothing is an absolute .


----------



## header

Morgiana said:


> There are very good reasons NOT to post a picture. My ex was a stalker, and continues to cause much legal angst and as such, my photo only goes on web sites that I can control access to. So much like everything, nothing is an absolute .


I'm sorry but I've heard that old tired argument about not posting pictures on dating sites for "good reasons" and I have yet to hear a "good reason" for omitting a picture from a dating profile.

Theres nothing wrong with wanting to meet people and be in a relationship, whether you're separated, divorced, a teacher, a doctor, or anything else. So what if your neighbor or your students parent sees you on a dating site. It only means that you're looking to meet someone. So what if you live in a small town and someone sees your picture. So what you've got a crazy ex that is still trying to control you? If he contacts you on the dating site you block him and if he's abusive you report his profile and get over it. 

If you've got nothing to hide, there is no good reason - at least none that I've ever heard of- for not posting a picture on a dating site.

There ARE plenty of BAD reasons not to post a picture

1- Wanted by the police or other law enforcement
2- Physically unattractive
3- Looking to cheat on a partner

That's for starters


----------



## BetrayedDad

Morgiana said:


> There are very good reasons NOT to post a picture. My ex was a stalker, and continues to cause much legal angst and as such, my photo only goes on web sites that I can control access to. So much like everything, nothing is an absolute .


I hope you put that in your profile. A lot of men would prefer to avoid drama like jealous exs. If I knew that for example, you're one bullet I'd like to dodge.

Though if you're still getting responses from people with no profile pic up (and I'm sure you are) my advice to OP still applies even to the opposite sex. 

Realize your only pulling in the desperate nut jobs. Call it shallow if you want but normal people understand the need for physical compatibility.


----------



## Morgiana

header said:


> I'm sorry but I've heard that old tired argument about not posting pictures on dating sites for "good reasons" and I have yet to hear a "good reason" for omitting a picture from a dating profile.
> 
> Theres nothing wrong with wanting to meet people and be in a relationship, whether you're separated, divorced, a teacher, a doctor, or anything else. So what if your neighbor or your students parent sees you on a dating site. It only means that you're looking to meet someone. So what if you live in a small town and someone sees your picture. So what you've got a crazy ex that is still trying to control you? If he contacts you on the dating site you block him and if he's abusive you report his profile and get over it.
> 
> If you've got nothing to hide, there is no good reason - at least none that I've ever heard of- for not posting a picture on a dating site.
> 
> There ARE plenty of BAD reasons not to post a picture
> 
> 1- Wanted by the police or other law enforcement
> 2- Physically unattractive
> 3- Looking to cheat on a partner
> 
> That's for starters


If that is what you believe, then that is what you believe. Needless to say I, my history is different from yours, and I cannot go into too many specific details here about what I've had to deal with for fear of becoming identifiable (there is a chance he cyber-stalked me here as well).

When you've been stalked in your own home residence after separation, cyber-stalked, had threatening phone calls made to friends and family but not rising far enough to be prosecuted over, when you get an armed escort back to your vehicle after leaving a courtroom because the court was afraid he was going to lose his ****... Yes, I see many good reasons to try and keep as low a profile as possible. 

If that means you wouldn't click on my profile, so be it. I have been dating the same guy for close to two years, and he gets it. Just goes to show that not everyone is the same.

Cheers,
-M


----------



## header

Morgiana said:


> When you've been stalked in your own home residence after separation, cyber-stalked, had threatening phone calls made to friends and family but not rising far enough to be prosecuted over, when you get an armed escort back to your vehicle after leaving a courtroom because the court was afraid he was going to lose his ****... Yes, I see many good reasons to try and keep as low a profile as possible.


What does ANY of that have to do with keeping your picture off of your dating profile? So what if your ex sees you on a dating site, exactly what is he going to do about it? Besides if he's stalking you on line it's not that difficult for him to identify you based on your other profile information. 



Morgiana said:


> If that means you wouldn't click on my profile, so be it. I have been dating the same guy for close to two years, and he gets it. Just goes to show that not everyone is the same.


Some guys don't mind dating a woman that is scared to death of her stalker ex who is so dangerous she needs an armed escort.

I'll pass, thanks. Life is difficult the way it is without bringing unnecessary drama into it.


----------



## Evinrude58

GuyInColorado said:


> OK... I've been talking to a girl I met on POF for the last week, we text hourly and talk on the phone for hours at night. Our schedules finally allowed us to meet for first time last night. Holy crap, we are head over heels for each other. It's silly how much we are into each other. I'm not sure where this will go, but oh boy is it fun and exciting. I've never felt like this about someone in all of my dating career, so I just don't know. Sorry, had to share!
> 
> Oh, I did hookup with another girl on POF two times the first week I moved out but now we just talk like friends. So yes, POF is awesome! lol


Just remember that everyone seems so perfect on the internet. They have time to think about the perfect response to reel you in. But, meeting in person and both being attracted to one another REALLY welds the connection. 
HOWEVER, give it a LOT of time. Lots of times there are instances where I really liked the person online, but in person, the candle burned fiercely at first, then waned to nothingness.

Online dating can be a major PITA. I'm hoping I'm done with it. I did find my current gf that way, and am even considering marriage again pretty seriously. So I'm just saying, be careful about not saying "I love you's" very fast. Take your time and be really sure.


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## MRR

Evinrude58 said:


> Just remember that everyone seems so perfect on the internet. They have time to think about the perfect response to reel you in. But, meeting in person and both being attracted to one another REALLY welds the connection.
> HOWEVER, give it a LOT of time. Lots of times there are instances where I really liked the person online, but in person, the candle burned fiercely at first, then waned to nothingness.
> 
> Online dating can be a major PITA. I'm hoping I'm done with it. I did find my current gf that way, and am even considering marriage again pretty seriously. So I'm just saying, be careful about not saying "I love you's" very fast. Take your time and be really sure.


his post says he met her last night. sounds like in person.


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## Evinrude58

Yes,
I got that...... I just had a few instances where I really liked the person at first (after meeting in the flesh even), then when I got to know the real person and not the internet pseudoversion, they weren't that appealing. But it sure seems cool at first.


There's no substitute for reality.


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## header

Evinrude58 said:


> There's no substitute for reality.


I hear the Fleshlight is the next best thing.


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## GuyInColorado

Totally agree! But texting with photos is an awesome way of getting to know people a lot even before dating! ha. I never understood the selfi thing before, but now it's great... can't get enough of this girl.


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## header

GuyInColorado said:


> But texting with photos is an awesome way of getting to know people a lot even before dating!


Disagree.


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## Evinrude58

GuyInColorado said:


> Totally agree! But texting with photos is an awesome way of getting to know people a lot even before dating! ha. I never understood the selfi thing before, but now it's great... can't get enough of this girl.


I agree, and disagree. Stupid, I know.

Problems I ran into:
Selfies are hand picked. They don't look like they do in selfies very often.
Selfies might be 50 lbs. ago. As in, OLD.

And, you really don't know them until you see their home, their car, their job, and how they are in real life. 

I agree that you can weed out a lot that way that you aren't really interested in. I just hate texting people and then breaking it off and hurting their feelings when they are still interested and such. I guess it's part of life.


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## Rowan

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree, and disagree. Stupid, I know.
> 
> Problems I ran into:
> Selfies are hand picked. They don't look like they do in selfies very often.
> Selfies might be 50 lbs. ago. As in, OLD.
> 
> And, you really don't know them until you see their home, their car, their job, and how they are in real life.
> 
> I agree that you can weed out a lot that way that you aren't really interested in. I just hate texting people and then breaking it off and hurting their feelings when they are still interested and such. I guess it's part of life.


And, in my experience, it's entirely possible to have this great mutual chemistry going via text, that does not translate AT ALL to real life. I've had that happen probably 3 different times in my year of post-divorce dating. Smart, funny, objectively attractive in every way, guys. Somehow, we really worked over text but when we met in person, the chemistry needed for a solid romantic relationship just wasn't there. 

Which is why, of course, I try to meet the men I'm chatting with within a week (2 if there's a really valid excuse to postpone) of connecting online. I just feel like there's no need to waste either of our time if it turns out that either of us just isn't feeling it in person.


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## GuyInColorado

Went out with her again for 6 hours the other night... man, I have never felt this way before. Just taking it slow, seeing each other one day a week (both have kids, jobs, etc). But texting a lot. The tease selfies she ends me is just driving me insane! lol. We both agreeded not to seek out other people unless we tell each other, as it would hurt both of us.

Totally agree about girls making themselves look 40lb lighter with selective selfies. Met one girl that looked much skinnier on POF and was dissappointed.


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## MRR

Are you sure you are actually taking it slow or is that just what you are telling each other?


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## GuyInColorado

Taking it slow... I'm still 6 months out from being officially divorced. We won't meet each other kids until then. Meeting some of her friends in a couple weeks for a poker night. Going to keep sex off as long as possible, won't lie it's hard. I'm good with the awesome kissing for now. I seriouslly want to do anything to make this girl happy, which I've never wanted to do before in previous relationships. Hell, I've even been browsing to see what $10K will buy in a ring these days, because this girl deserves nothing less. Yes, I'm falling for her. But one day at a time...


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## MRR

GuyInColorado said:


> Taking it slow... I'm still 6 months out from being officially divorced. We won't meet each other kids until then. Meeting some of her friends in a couple weeks for a poker night. Going to keep sex off as long as possible, won't lie it's hard. I'm good with the awesome kissing for now. I seriouslly want to do anything to make this girl happy, which I've never wanted to do before in previous relationships. *Hell, I've even been browsing to see what $10K will buy in a ring these days, because this girl deserves nothing less.* Yes, I'm falling for her. But one day at a time...



How long have you known her?


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## GuyInColorado

Ha, 3 weeks. Only 4 dates. Don't worry, I won't buy the ring for at least another year if this keeps getting better. lol. I'm in no rush. The thought of creating a blended family is exciting but also scary. Won't rush into it, needs to be right for everyone. But I can say I have no desire to date other women, this girl is everything I've dreamed of.


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## MRR

GuyInColorado said:


> Ha, 3 weeks. Only 4 dates. Don't worry, I won't buy the ring for at least another year if this keeps getting better. lol. I'm in no rush. The thought of creating a blended family is exciting but also scary. Won't rush into it, needs to be right for everyone. But I can say I have no desire to date other women, this girl is everything I've dreamed of.


Please post this story in the 'singles of TAM' thread. We need some new fodder. (not kidding).


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## Evinrude58

GuyInColorado said:


> Ha, 3 weeks. Only 4 dates. Don't worry, I won't buy the ring for at least another year if this keeps getting better. lol. I'm in no rush. The thought of creating a blended family is exciting but also scary. Won't rush into it, needs to be right for everyone. But I can say I have no desire to date other women, this girl is everything I've dreamed of.


You are undoubtedly in for trouble. There's no way you should have these thoughts so soon.
Everything you ever dreamed of in 4 dates?
Nobody is perfect, and you should be very realistic about her.

Investing so much of your emotions this soon is a recipe for disaster. 

Let me guess--- this girl is much prettier than anyone you've ever considered "in your league". 
Well that's how dating is when you're older. The pendulum swings toward the man's advantage. 
I dated an absolutely gorgeous woman that had an incredible figure and was 12 years younger for a few months. My current gf that I've been dating for a year is incredible in every aspect. I have pretty much made up my mind, but still worry about the decision constantly. 

Slow down before you have a wreck my friend. Nothing at all wrong with soaking up the love and the high, but try to keep control or you will fly off the curve. A woman doesn't want someone too easy, anyway.

Have fun, but remember to keep your head.😊
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado

Edited: Too much info for interwebz


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## GuyInColorado

deleted


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## Evinrude58

Good looking couple. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away

What's her deal? Does she work, debts, criminal background, why is she divorced, what happened to her other serious relationships, does she take any psychotropic drugs?

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## GuyInColorado

Edited: Too much info for interwebz


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## MRR

gouge_away said:


> What's her deal? Does she work, debts, criminal background, why is she divorced, what happened to her other serious relationships, does she take any psychotropic drugs?
> 
> "Giggity Giggity!"


So... GUY-- what are you doing man? You posted this TODAY (below)-- it indicates
a) you are still married and 
b) you are barely separated. 

and in this thread you are mentioning
c) looking at engagement rings

Im starting to feel badly for your new GF....


**********************************

"GuyInColorado View Post 

Yeah, we need more details. No sex for 12 years?

I am coming up on 8 years of being married, and had sex less than 15 times if I recall correctly. Sex was just alright before we got married, but stopped doing it until we got married due to her religion guilt. But somehow we created two beautiful children over the last 6 years. *I've been seperated now for 5 weeks *and life has never been so good. Actually got laid a few times and a couple BJs, which I haven't had since college days. Consider yourself lucky you don't have children! Don't just walk away, run very fast! You have the rest of your life in front of you, don't waste another day. It's time to take care of yourself, no one else will!"


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## GuyInColorado

Pretty simple... the wife and I haven't had sex since our 3.5 year old daughter was created. When you have lived as roommates with your wife for the last 5 years... you move on long before even packing your bags. Hell, roommates talk. We didn't even talk. Just yell and fight. It was a sham. I haven't been this happy in over 12 years. 

At this point, not being officially divorced just means I can't get married right now. That's it. I'm not wasting a day more of my life. Hard to explain to others unless they have been in your shoes. I tried explaining to friends, but they just thinkwe can work it out.... haha.


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## MRR

GuyInColorado said:


> Pretty simple... the wife and I haven't had sex since our 3.5 year old daughter was created. When you have lived as roommates with your wife for the last 5 years... you move on long before even packing your bags. Hell, roommates talk. We didn't even talk. Just yell and fight. It was a sham.
> 
> At this point, not being officially divorced just means I can't get married right now. That's it. I'm not wasting a day more of my life. Hard to explain to others unless they have been in your shoes. I tried explaining to friends, but they just thinkwe can work it out.... haha.


You have known -- and stayed-- with your wife for 7+ years. It took you that long to leave. 

You have known this other woman 3 weeks and are talking about getting married again.


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## Evinrude58

She sounds great, but get divorced first. Something is wrong for her to date a married man 6 weeks separated. But I understand what you mean
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

GuyInColorado said:


> Taking it slow... I'm still 6 months out from being officially divorced. We won't meet each other kids until then. Meeting some of her friends in a couple weeks for a poker night. Going to keep sex off as long as possible, won't lie it's hard. I'm good with the awesome kissing for now. I seriouslly want to do anything to make this girl happy, which I've never wanted to do before in previous relationships. *Hell, I've even been browsing to see what $10K will buy in a ring these days, because this girl deserves nothing less. Yes, I'm falling for her. But one day at a time...[/COLOR ="Red"]*


*With 10k already being bantied out for a piece of ice, it greatly appears like you've been falling for her "several days at a time!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away

GuyInColorado said:


> Pretty simple... the wife and I haven't had sex since our 3.5 year old daughter was created. When you have lived as roommates with your wife for the last 5 years... you move on long before even packing your bags. Hell, roommates talk. We didn't even talk. Just yell and fight. It was a sham. I haven't been this happy in over 12 years.
> 
> At this point, not being officially divorced just means I can't get married right now. That's it. I'm not wasting a day more of my life. Hard to explain to others unless they have been in your shoes. I tried explaining to friends, but they just thinkwe can work it out.... haha.


Get the ring off the last one before considering putting a ring on the next one...

Sound advice.

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## NoMoreTears4me

Dude I understand a sexless loveless marriage. And I understand the thrill of new love. But please slow down.

Not just for you but her too


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## Betrayedone

GuyInColorado said:


> Taking it slow... I'm still 6 months out from being officially divorced. We won't meet each other kids until then. Meeting some of her friends in a couple weeks for a poker night. Going to keep sex off as long as possible, won't lie it's hard. I'm good with the awesome kissing for now. I seriouslly want to do anything to make this girl happy, which I've never wanted to do before in previous relationships. Hell, I've even been browsing to see what $10K will buy in a ring these days, because this girl deserves nothing less. Yes, I'm falling for her. But one day at a time...


Danger Will Robinson! Oh boy...........


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## Acoa

GuyInColorado said:


> Pretty simple... the wife and I haven't had sex since our 3.5 year old daughter was created. When you have lived as roommates with your wife for the last 5 years... you move on long before even packing your bags. Hell, roommates talk. We didn't even talk. Just yell and fight. It was a sham. I haven't been this happy in over 12 years.
> 
> At this point, not being officially divorced just means I can't get married right now. That's it. I'm not wasting a day more of my life. Hard to explain to others unless they have been in your shoes. I tried explaining to friends, but they just thinkwe can work it out.... haha.


The feelings you have for the new woman are very common... http://divorceinfo.com/reboundrelationships.htm 

Realize that you have been starved for intimacy for a long time. But you also need some time to be single. It's fine if you want to date her. Fine to date her exclusively. 

Just DO NOT move in with her or have her move in with you. STOP the marriage and ring talk. You are lucky that your D is not final so you don't stupidly jump into a new marriage too quickly. 

Let the D finalize, live alone at least 2 years before you even talk about thinking about maybe starting to look at rings. 

You need time to work on you. Reflect on where you've been, where you are and where you want to be. As a you, not relying on someone else. If you do, you'll become dependent on this new person and someone is going to get hurt. Very, deeply hurt.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Acoa said:


> The feelings you have for the new woman are very common... http://divorceinfo.com/reboundrelationships.htm
> 
> Realize that you have been starved for intimacy for a long time. But you also need some time to be single. It's fine if you want to date her. Fine to date her exclusively.
> 
> Just DO NOT move in with her or have her move in with you. STOP the marriage and ring talk. You are lucky that your D is not final so you don't stupidly jump into a new marriage too quickly.
> 
> Let the D finalize, live alone at least 2 years before you even talk about thinking about maybe starting to look at rings.
> 
> You need time to work on you. Reflect on where you've been, where you are and where you want to be. As a you, not relying on someone else. If you do, you'll become dependent on this new person and someone is going to get hurt. Very, deeply hurt.


This is my fear. I am trying as well not to become dependent on anyone. But its hard when you care for someone. I still don't ever see me getting married again but I do want to be happy. Having someone to love makes me happy. I know its hard not to jump into something serious again but how do you hold back your emotions and feelings when you do find someone you feel lucky to have found. After all... none of us are getting younger.


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## GuyInColorado

NoMoreTears4me said:


> This is my fear. I am trying as well not to become dependent on anyone. But its hard when you care for someone. I still don't ever see me getting married again but I do want to be happy. Having someone to love makes me happy. I know its hard not to jump into something serious again but how do you hold back your emotions and feelings when you do find someone you feel lucky to have found. After all... none of us are getting younger.


Ditto. It's hard to explain on this forum.... They say you know when you've met the one.... I've never experienced it before, until now. Just seems like horrible timing. But again, one week at a time. Thanks for the reality check everyone.


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## BetrayedDad

GuyInColorado said:


> Ditto. It's hard to explain on this forum.... They say you know when you've met the one.... I've never experienced it before, until now. Just seems like horrible timing. But again, one week at a time. Thanks for the reality check everyone.


It's a rebound and you are in the lust filled fog.

You're like a starving third world child being offer a six course meal.

I agree with the others. Do not commit for AT LEAST two years before you start ring shopping. 

You don't know this girl and frankly you don't even know yourself. Do YOU for a while.


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## kingsfan

What's peoples thoughts on Zoosk?


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## Stresscase37

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ok so I stuck my toe into the online dating stuff.
> 
> Its kind of exciting but a little scary too.
> 
> Any advice would be appreciated.
> 
> Coming out of a 18 year marriage.


online dating can be fun. Prior to meeting my ex, I used to go out on lots of dates off of the online forums. For me, it was very helpful in helping you feel a lot better after a breakup and feeling desirable and in demand again. It's also great to be able to meet a bunch of people you never would've previously met in your circles.


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## Evinrude58

I was on zoosk for a while. I thought it was a big step up from pof, but still lots of duds. Gotta learn how to sift through them. 
My problem with online dating is that it's so easy to meet people that sometimes they find somebody more interesting or better looking or whatever, before you ever have a real date with them. Lots of problems, lots of positives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RubyRing

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Ok so I stuck my toe into the online dating stuff.
> 
> Its kind of exciting but a little scary too.
> 
> Any advice would be appreciated.
> 
> Coming out of a 18 year marriage.


Hello, I am a female, I came out of a 23 year marriage. The first year I wasn't interested in dating PERIOD. Then I made the mistake of going to OLD when I was separated (not even legally separated, just no longer living together). I was totally honest about my situation, but being separated, and not legally divorced was a real deterrent. I seemed to only attract players and duds. One year after my divorce became final, I met my dream guy. We are engaged now, and will be marrying next year.

I haven't read all the responses, but you have gotten some pretty good advice. Your profile says you are divorced, so I am assuming you are in fact, legally divorced. If not, BE HONEST about that and say you are separated. And get a legal divorce ASAP if you haven't already done so, and you will get much better results.

Above all, be prepared to be lied to, but rise above that and be ABSOLUTELY honest yourself. No old pictures, no current pictures that don't really show what you look like. (No ball cap, sunglasses, out of focus shots, etc. )

Lies that I have encountered: Lies about age, smoking habits, relationship goals, and old pictures where the guy had aged, grayed and put on weight. Lies I have told *NONE*, except for OBVIOUS fun fictions such as "I like to make home made soups, and people have been known to fake being sick, just to get my home made chicken soup" Of course I really do like cooking and in particular making home made soup, but no one has ever actually faked being sick so I would make them chicken soup. Other than that, I was truthful about my age (I was 59 when I met my sweetie), posted recent, dated, accurate photos, both close up, and full length, along with a few photos of me engaged in activities.

I encountered a lot of fakers, flakers, users, losers and players before I met my baby. I also met quite a few good men, but we weren't a match for each other. But it only takes ONE, and I met my one, and I couldn't be happier !

Good luck to you !


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## RubyRing

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I think its just to stroke my ego a little. I don't want anything really other than someone to hang with. I have had to push back on this one girl. She wants way more than that. I set her straight. Im not after anything physical. Just wanted a friend.


I commend you for being honest about not wanting anything other than to hang out, and not being after "anything physical", but if you really aren't interested in a relationship, the POF or any other dating site, really isn't a good idea. It's a DATING site, not a hang out site. Yes, I know they have relationship goals like "companionship" "friendship" and even "casual sex", but most women are on there to date, with eye to falling in love, and possibly marriage. 

To be on a dating site looking for just friends, is like going to a formal wear store to buy camping shorts. Not a good fit.

If friendship and hanging out is all you want, I would like to suggest meetup.com It's an online way to connect with various social clubs, special interest groups, etc. Some are geared towards singles socializing, and some are more general. They have clubs for everything imaginable. Biking groups, hiking groups, cultural groups, etc. Find some groups that are based on your interests and hobbies. 

You will meet friends of both genders, with no unspoken expectations of love or romance. No hurt feelings or disappointments. 

Again, good luck to you !


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