# Separation



## Butterfly667 (Aug 16, 2020)

I've been separated for months now and I miss him terribly. He treats me like I'm invisible tho and I've been thinking about moving to another state but the only thing holding me back is hoping my marriage will somehow workout. I really want to move because I believe I will find myself again because clearly right now I don't know who I am without him but if I do this I can truly be myself again. I used to enjoy going out to concerts and hanging with friends now I sit at home alone all the time. I want to tell him about moving but he ignores me so do I just leave without a single word? It's like he only want to talk when it's him starting the convo, I'm so frustrated.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Butterfly667 said:


> I've been separated for months now and I miss him terribly. He treats me like I'm invisible tho and I've been thinking about moving to another state but the only thing holding me back is hoping my marriage will somehow workout. I really want to move because I believe I will find myself again because clearly right now I don't know who I am without him but if I do this I can truly be myself again. I used to enjoy going out to concerts and hanging with friends now I sit at home alone all the time. I want to tell him about moving but he ignores me so do I just leave without a single word? It's like he only want to talk when it's him starting the convo, I'm so frustrated.


Fly butterfly. Find yourself. If it was meant to be, then it will. NEVER give up who you are.

Girl... go listen to the song!







Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Talk to a lawyer and find out what implications there might be for your eventual divorce.

Do you have kids together? Property?


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## Butterfly667 (Aug 16, 2020)

No kids no property together


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## Butterfly667 (Aug 16, 2020)

Thank you I love it if didn't even know about that song


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Forget him, and go on with your own life. You do not owe him any explanations.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Girl you need to flap those butterfly wings and fly away to your destiny.....forget that guy he isn’t good for you!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No kids. No property. Already separated. Yes, just leave and rebuild your life. No conversation necessary.

ETA: I see the two of you are married. Assuming you’re only separated, you need to get the divorce process started. Don’t trust him to do it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Butterfly667 said:


> No kids no property together


I’d still contact an attorney ASAP. Different states have significantly different rules regarding divorce. Make sure you are able to use the rules most favorable to you. That may mean filing before you move.

Also, unless you or your lawyer has already taken legal steps to protect you financially, he may be accumulating debts and liabilities that will become your obligation to pay. Whether you relocate or not.

Does your state have a process for becoming “legally separated”? Did you do it? My state does not.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Your situation is very common. The person left behind mourns the loss much more...spends a lot of time crying, sleeping and thinking up ways to possibly win the other person back. I’ve done it. It sucks. And it’s very unhealthy. The sooner you realize it’s over and get on with your life, the better. Counseling worked wonders for me. Learn from your mistakes and one day you will get another shot at marriage.


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## billybailey12 (Aug 17, 2020)

Butterfly667 said:


> I've been separated for months now and I miss him terribly. He treats me like I'm invisible tho and I've been thinking about moving to another state but the only thing holding me back is hoping my marriage will somehow workout. I really want to move because I believe I will find myself again because clearly right now I don't know who I am without him but if I do this I can truly be myself again. I used to enjoy going out to concerts and hanging with friends now I sit at home alone all the time. I want to tell him about moving but he ignores me so do I just leave without a single word? It's like he only want to talk when it's him starting the convo, I'm so frustrated.


I've been separated too for four months. It was handled with as much dignity as we could manage after twenty seven years of marriage and three children but the pain of loss is still so intense.
I do believe that every day you live, you change ever so slightly either from internal thought processes or things that happen to you. If you don't both share these things with each other, the risk is that you change in different ways and end up being strangers to each other. I think this, simplistically, is what happened to us.
I was prepared for the pain and feelings of loss but I imagined we would have a period where we supported each other and helped each other through it, honouring the years we spent together. But that didn't happen; my wife said she didn't want us to see other other than 'at special occasions like our children's birthdays'. I accepted that, thinking that perhaps she needed a cleaner, more clinical break than I did but it has led to feelings of hurt that I wasn't expecting to be so overwhelming.
I miss my partner terribly too but I try to hold on to the feelings of loneliness that accompanied the last few years of our relationship. I'm trying to be strong, to acknowledge that these feelings will pass and there will be a brighter future for myself than we could have created together.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you; it is such a personal, lonely path to walk for each person but I get some resonance with what you're saying and just wanted to reach out and say I hope that you can believe there is another, better place for you in life. It is not here now but it will come in it's own time.
I'm starting to like myself again, enjoying the sense of identity that is starting to claw it's way through the darkness I live in. It is signposting a better way for me.
Be kind to yourself and, if you can, be kind to your partner even when you don't feel he is deserving of your kindness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Butterfly667 Why are you separated, if you don't mind me asking?


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## Butterfly667 (Aug 16, 2020)

Lack of communication, and honestly because he wants to take time to work on ourselves as he says.


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## Butterfly667 (Aug 16, 2020)

billybailey12 said:


> I've been separated too for four months. It was handled with as much dignity as we could manage after twenty seven years of marriage and three children but the pain of loss is still so intense.
> I do believe that every day you live, you change ever so slightly either from internal thought processes or things that happen to you. If you don't both share these things with each other, the risk is that you change in different ways and end up being strangers to each other. I think this, simplistically, is what happened to us.
> I was prepared for the pain and feelings of loss but I imagined we would have a period where we supported each other and helped each other through it, honouring the years we spent together. But that didn't happen; my wife said she didn't want us to see other other than 'at special occasions like our children's birthdays'. I accepted that, thinking that perhaps she needed a cleaner, more clinical break than I did but it has led to feelings of hurt that I wasn't expecting to be so overwhelming.
> I miss my partner terribly too but I try to hold on to the feelings of loneliness that accompanied the last few years of our relationship. I'm trying to be strong, to acknowledge that these feelings will pass and there will be a brighter future for myself than we could have created together.
> ...


I'm sorry and I will try my best to be kind to him


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Butterfly667 said:


> Lack of communication, and honestly because he wants to take time to work on ourselves as he says.


Could you explain what "because he wants to take time to work on ourselves" means? I'm thinking the context is that that's what he wants to do during the separation, not the reason for it?

"Lack of communication" is pretty vague. What have you been missing? How have things changed over the years?


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## Butterfly667 (Aug 16, 2020)

Well he's cheated a couple times, I've forgiven him as I'm no saint either during our separation I slept with someone. He stopped talking to me about how he felt and disappears often saying he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. Honestly I feel like I'm loving someone who makes me feel invisible.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Butterfly667 said:


> because he wants to take time to work on ourselves as he says.


That’s a polite way of saying I want to see what else is out there, have some sex and keep you hanging in case it doesn’t work out.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Dadto2 said:


> That’s a polite way of saying I want to see what else is out there, have some sex and keep you hanging in case it doesn’t work out.


But that's what she did during the separation. It may or may not be his reasoning, but in terms of actions, she did sleep with someone else during the separation. "Polite" would be to make intentions & boundaries known and respect them. That might not apply to either party here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Butterfly667 he has cheated twice. He doesn't seem to be all that heavily committed to the principles of marriage, does he?


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

He cheated. You're invisible. You deserve better.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I'd say walk. You obviously care a lot about him, but it's not reciprocated. He's not doing this to figure yourselves out...he's doing this to be single and married at the same time knowing you'll wait for him.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Imagirl said:


> He cheated. You're invisible. *You deserve better.*


That’s the hardest thing for people that have been cheated on to understand since adultery robs you of your self worth. At least initially.


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