# Am I delusional?



## Rainsford (Feb 23, 2009)

My wife refuses to agree on this: Your spouse is the the most important person in your life. I never expected anyone could feel otherwise, now I am afraid to talk to anyone about it, how lousy this feels. I don't want anyone to know I am married to a woman who can bluntly state "I refuse to consider you the most important person in my life."I'm still thinking there must be some miscommunication, but its been ten years now. I think this concept has no name or much discussion because everyone assumes it as a given. I am afraid my marriage is a fraud due to this. I love her so much. But am unable to be settled with this. I fear for the "marriage". The thought of divorce is awful, folks help me here, am I a fool to keep hoping here? This concept is non-optional, it seems. Am I out of line for wanting this, or just a fool to even accept such a belief.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well did she state who is the most important person in her life, if it is not you?

Some people may say, their father, their mother, their child, etc.

I once asked my wife to rate me on a scale from 1-10...I got a 7....go figure.

I would have no problem if my wife put her parents, sisters, or our children before me.

I don't know, I don't need to feel important, I am just who I am.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Sorry, I have to agree with delusional here. Did we not swear "forsaking all others"? Don't get me wrong here, I don't mean ditch everyone else in the weeds, but the husband and wife need to be the cornerstone, the foundation. I would be terribly wounded if my husband did not put me first....and in fact, one of the reasons I have been able to find the strength to move past his affair is because he always HAS done that, with the exception of two miserable months I want to forget and put behind me. 

I do agree, though, that I would certainly be asking more questions along the lines of who she is referring to.......


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I have always thought that a spouse should be behind children but no one else.

draconis


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## Rainsford (Feb 23, 2009)

It just has seemed to be the thing that works. I heard somewhere long ago that if the marriage is strong everyone benefits, obviously the children. Makes sense. If children come first and the marriage is relegated to a less important place, that is probably more risky. Anyway what happens when the kids move away? "Now you are important"? Of course the children are very deserving of all love,care, etc. but is that what life is about? I don't have research to show but I'd rather my kids learn the value of the marriage than that they are the center of someone's universe. A strong marriage makes all hardships more bearable, a poor marriage would ruin an otherwise "good" life.Thanks for all the replies, I think this subject is under-discussed but fundamental.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i dont think important people in my life are really comparable. the way i interpret it is like saying, what's more important fruit or veggies. they're both just as important. so if my H asked me who was more important, my family or him, well, its not really comparable. 

i think someone that has to ask who is the most important is just really insecure and maybe has some strong jealousy tendencies. maybe even a little possessiveness. I bet your wife felt like she was being manipulated. just my opinion.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The statement is a red herring. How does she treat you? If you feel loved and respected, you only stand to jeopardize that by holding it up to a non-existent measuring stick.


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## Rainsford (Feb 23, 2009)

I guess I'm trying to get to the bottom, establish a solid base, yes I am tired of conflict in marriage. Don't we want to have a rock we don't have to question? An agreement, a contract, whatever you call it,that can be a settled, stated possession, so that marriage is not a source of uncertainty, drama,counselling bills, anger, judgement? We will not endanger this. The stress of the unstated or stated threat of divorce if one is not satisfied makes for grief.As time on earth looks more finite I want better days. Maybe I'm delusional but I think this is what works, if it seems too heavy, why get married anyway.


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## Rainsford (Feb 23, 2009)

To Sonny; understand the point of all this is to live it, not just say it.


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## Rainsford (Feb 23, 2009)

Yes, if one says this but acts otherwise that doesn't work. It's about believing and living by the belief.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Rainsford, you never answered my question about your wife, who did she say is more important?


I guess your "Foundation" is different then mine, becuase I never had to ask my wife, where I stood. 

I am her husband, her partner, not her ruler. I want her to Honor her mother and father. I want her to love our children beyond anything possible.

Would I take a bullet for my wife? Yes. Also for my childern.

I agree with Drac and JT...can't be compared and my Children come first.

But since we are a solid couple, I never had to question where I stood in our marriage.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Rainsford said:


> I guess I'm trying to get to the bottom, establish a solid base, yes I am tired of conflict in marriage. Don't we want to have a rock we don't have to question? An agreement, a contract, whatever you call it,that can be a settled, stated possession, so that marriage is not a source of uncertainty, drama,counselling bills, anger, judgement? We will not endanger this. The stress of the unstated or stated threat of divorce if one is not satisfied makes for grief.As time on earth looks more finite I want better days. Maybe I'm delusional but I think this is what works, if it seems too heavy, why get married anyway.


i feel this way towards life in general sometimes. i often wonder why it has to be so complicated. but that doesnt get me very far, except frustrated and still not accomplishing what i want. 

the way i see it is its only frustrating and complicated insofar as you expect it to be otherwise. but why should it be easy? Nothing worth having is ever easy.


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## Rainsford (Feb 23, 2009)

This is just something I've always believed and truly wanted to know if others also did. Apparently theres no consensus on it, I have decided to let go because it's too much trouble to talk about, misconstrued as as a desire for power on my part, not "casual" go with the flow, etc. So I actually feel better to think my wife is not the only person who disagrees with this. I believe it, and I think anyone would if they live long enough. It just seems like a win win for all. Anyway thanks for the replies, I'm moving on from the issue as far as others are concerned. I do believe we'd all be better off if marriages were held in higher esteem. Corny or obvious as that sounds.Adios.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I wonder who she held highest? 

I would ALWAYS see my husband as the most important person in my life. My children are the secondary relationship. I love them of course, but I think that the BEST gift we can give them is the model of a committed, romantic relationship. If we take care of ourselves and our spouse, we teach our children to do the same. They then have a wonderful chance of growing up healthy, happy and in love with their spouses. I would love the chance to give that to them 

After seeing that my husband hide his romantic feelings behind the kids, i feel it's unhealthy to put the kids in front of your spouse.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

we had both agreed that our daughter ALWAYS comes 1st (that has nothing to do why we're no longer)we love our daughter more than we ever loved each other. children are the most important


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

rainsford, I pretty much agree with you.... take care.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Rainsford said:


> It just has seemed to be the thing that works. I heard somewhere long ago that if the marriage is strong everyone benefits, obviously the children. Makes sense. If children come first and the marriage is relegated to a less important place, that is probably more risky. Anyway what happens when the kids move away? "Now you are important"? Of course the children are very deserving of all love,care, etc. but is that what life is about? I don't have research to show but I'd rather my kids learn the value of the marriage than that they are the center of someone's universe. A strong marriage makes all hardships more bearable, a poor marriage would ruin an otherwise "good" life.Thanks for all the replies, I think this subject is under-discussed but fundamental.


I agree. Keeping the marriage strong can be difficult when children come along because they do require a lot of time and attention and I think when this balance gets totally out of whack, the marriage can suffer. I do think it's important to go on dates and spend time as husband/wife, which sometimes needs to be forced or scheduled until the kids get older. Marriage should be the most important relationship in your life, but to choose 'who' is 'most important' is more difficult to answer. We are the most important influence on the lives of our children and our love for them is unconditional, so the role of a parent is extremely important. But part of raising kids is showing them what a strong marriage looks like, so they will learn and grow from seeing a strong marriage within the home.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My mom always put her kids first, before the marriage and before her spouse. I think its one of the big reasons their marriage fell apart. so i agree with snix, marriage and spouse come first then kids.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Putting the marriage first IS putting the kids first. Divorces can absolutely destroy children, and even when they don't that child's risk in every bad factor from not learning to drug use to health problems to getting murdered in an alley goes up by about 300%. 

You are better off locking your child in solitary for six months in Alcatraz than you are not working on your marriage. The damage from divorce is worse than most forms of sexual and physical abuse. The only way to put the kids first is to put the marriage first. Just imagine it this way: If you divorce you are affecting them in a worse way than a child molester would... You are worse than a child molester. 

Always put saving the marriage on the highest order of priority, even if it feels like you are neglecting the kids for a while. Nothing will compare to how neglected they feel after a divorce.


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## Jen (Feb 26, 2009)

I truly hate the "spouse vs. kids are more important" debate. Does one really have to be more important than the other? Would a good spouse ever put you in a position to choose one over the other? I can't think of a single circumstance in which that would happen in a good marriage. Kids are totally dependent; a grown spouse is not. Kids require constant attention, teaching, feeding, clothing, changing, watching, and help. Doesn't that inherently make them the more pressing obligation? On the other hand, they learn about relationships from their parents and are best served in a two parent home, so the marriage is incredibly important. They are two sides of one coin; one does not have to be more important than the other.

To the OP, your wife will not say the words, "You are the most important person in my life." Okay, I get where that might make a person a little uncomfortable. However, does she do kind things for you? Consider your feelings? Tell you she loves you? Speak kindly of you? Actions speak louder than words. If she is a good wife, let the fact that she won't say the phrase go.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Well I guess I see things differently.

I view marriage as "teamwork, a relationship of love" My wife and I are a team, neither are perfect, somedays are better then others, Somedays she does better then I do, someday I do better then she does.

But our Children come first. Everything we have and do is about our children, Our Careers are adjusted to their needs, we have two baseball teams, I coach Soccer, we run Girl scouts out of our house, any given weekend the whole neighborhood "clan" is at our hosue, about 12 kids.

I guess we had build a solid foundation that we do not need to be re-enforced. We work things out, we each work on things to help the other one out. I understand "who she is" without trying to change her, and SHE does not try and change me. we work off each others strength and weaknesses.

We do it for our children and our family.

For me, and I am sure for my wife, the children come first.


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