# Husband had low libido from start



## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Hello, I posted another thread in the infidelity section but was wanting some help on this as well.

Been married 12 years and discovered husband cheating on me for 5 years. Found out 2 years ago so the shock factor isnt there, only the lingering pain.

My husband had a low sex drive basically from when I met him and I used to get into arguments with him about why he didnt want sex with me. I was also ringing my friend and asking them why my boyfriend wasnt interested in sex. We even went on a 3 week camping holiday and had sex once, even though he would hint at it, I was extremely frustrated at this lack of sex. It should have been a red flag to me and stopped me from marrying him. Although I thought it would be easier to live with such an undemanding man than one who was very demanding for sex.

Anyway, sex was always him wanting a BJ, him not wanting to do any oral sex on me and then intercourse lasting only about 15 seconds. With such an unsatisfying sex life, I lost interest. He then also lost interest and turned to internet dating and was having sex with other women. 

Now that I have discovered his cheating, I am deeply hurt that he put so much effort into having sex with others instead of trying to fix things in our marriage. I dont even know what I am asking, but maybe he is a man who only likes sex when it is with someone new and different. I figure it will only be a matter of time before he wants the thrill of sex with someone new again, although I have tried to be more adventurous in the bedroom it has just fizzled back down to him wanting oral sex and not giving anything in return and me losing interest again due to it being unsatisfying. Should I be willing to just give BJs and expect nothing in return except 15 sec sex. Is this what others sex life is like? One person giving and the other not getting anyting in return? Should I just be doing it to stop him straying again? So many questions. I just want to leave him and never have to worry about sex ever again. Too complicated.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mswren7 said:


> I have tried to be more adventurous in the bedroom it has just fizzled back down to him wanting oral sex and not giving anything in return and me losing interest again due to it being unsatisfying. Should I be willing to just give BJs and expect nothing in return except 15 sec sex. Is this what others sex life is like? One person giving and the other not getting anyting in return? Should I just be doing it to stop him straying again? So many questions. I just want to leave him and never have to worry about sex ever again. Too complicated.


This pretty much sums up my current dilemma. I've lost interest in sex with my H because its literally the same thing every time. I did try going with it for a little while but then I started getting resentful so I quit that. It is so complicated. My H has not had any affairs, yet, but Im aware its a real possibility. He told me that going down on me was "gross," and that is coming from a guy that eats fish eyes and chicken brains...not sure how im supposed to take that!


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Yes, my husband has told me he doesnt like giving oral sex, but what shocked me was in his dating profile site that I found, he indicated quite clearly that he wanted to lick other women. Also disgusted by the email I read from one of his other women who said that his beard didnt tickle too much. Well we all know what she was talking about so I know that he did give her oral.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

I feel ur pain. How did you get past the cheating? 5 years is a long time, how do you know he quit? He may just have gotten smarter. It seemed my wife always had something better to do than have sex w/ me, the kids, her farm, cookies in the oven etc.. And now it's all about her, she doesn't care if I "O". Now as far as the return oral, the man is crazy, if he wanted oral w/ other women he'd for sure want it w/ you.....


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> Should I be willing to just give BJs and expect nothing in return except 15 sec sex. Is this what others sex life is like? One person giving and the other not getting anyting in return? Should I just be doing it to stop him straying again? So many questions. I just want to leave him and never have to worry about sex ever again. Too complicated.


Your situation is heartbreaking, but it is not normal. Its even more sad to see that this guy has betrayed you at every level and is robbing you of hope for a satisfying relationship. Looking around on this site will reveal that many people have issues, but these aren't necessarily the norm.

First off, many men judge ourselves by our ability to meet the needs of our wife. My wife needs time to reach the place of letting go and fully enjoying it. 15 seconds? Hours are not unheard of, but I'd have to guess that thirty minutes is the norm. And many men crave the enjoyment of giving a woman oral attention. 

My wife is not really as into giving oral as receiving, but still does it. Frankly, I find it unaceptable that he could expect it without being willing to give.

Personally, my advice is to kick him out on the curb, but if you stay, its obvious that you desire to do your part for a mutually satisfying relationship. He needs to do his part. Question is, are you willing to hold him to consequences if he doesn't?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mswren7 said:


> Also disgusted by the email I read from one of his other women who said that his beard didnt tickle too much. Well we all know what she was talking about so I know that he did give her oral.


OMG...how are you not coming unglued at this guy?!? wow. I would have had to call the police and tell them to lock me up before i did something stupid...seriously.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Blanca, I dont know how I've managed to keep it under control. I am emotionally devestated but I feel I have no options as I dont have a job, have tried to get a job without success and stuck with a couple of young children. I think about it everyday with varying degrees of anger and pain. I guess I have known about it for 2 years now so the shock isnt as bad as it was. I think I had some sort of breakdown over it when I read their emails. 

But I guess when someone cheats, it also involves oral sex. Just knowing that he always said to me he didnt like doing that to women, yet there was the proof that he had. And to make matters worse, he also said that yes he liked licking a nicely groomed p****. I also had no idea that he preferred hairless you-know-what. So I took to the razor myself and rang him and said that OK now I look like "her", and his response was, "so after 10 years of marriage, I didnt know that you wanted to do that". What an *******, I did it because I thought he wanted it yet he turned it around and made me appear that I suddently wanted to be shaven. He says, I never made you do that. Well it didnt make him want to do oral on me and I asked him why he told her that he liked a nicely groomed p**** and he said it was all a game, just talking it up. 

I cant get my head around what is wrong with him. Deep rooted sexual issues I am sure.

Thank you for your responses as well Halien and Smackdown. And well I dont know for sure that he has quite and sometimes I do think he has just gotten smarter with hiding it but he never uses the home computer and his work now monitor their employees online activities, which I wish they had done years ago and this may have curbed this deceptive behaviour that he indulged in. I sometimes think of writing a letter to his employer advising of the damage to one of their employees wives by finding out that he was joining dating sites etc during work hours for 5 years that went unmonitored by them and taking time of work to meet these OW, but that could only land him with termination and I cant afford for that to happen if we separate.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Seems like he doesn't view you as a sexual being. Sex is for other people he probably objectified. If I were to stay with a guy like this, I would need him to go to a therapist to work on his issues. But I doubt I could stay. He has proven that his libido was never low and that would hurt me too much. I feel for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

When I read something like this it makes me feel there is something very very wrong with these men. that they would not put the effort into their own marriages and would hurt their wives this way. It actually makes me feel ill. 

I really would not stay, I would leave.

You deserve to be happy with someone who wants you and wants to ensure you are happy and satisfied.

I think he is uncomfortable sharing sexual desires with you, but this has led to him choosing to be unfaithful and he cannot be trusted. He needs professional help.


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