# Gifts from Opposite Sex



## Country Apple

I just wanted to take a quick poll. My husband and I disagree about gifts from members of the opposite sex. Do you think it is appropriate, inappropriate, or appropriate within limits to receive gifts from the opposite sex?


----------



## Faithful Wife

I can't think of any reason my H or I would receive any gift from the opposite sex. Can you give an example?


----------



## Country Apple

Birthday, christmas, or any other time. Or for example, I went to x country and brought you back a trinket. Do you set boundaries with your spouse?


----------



## Mavash.

Yes we have boundaries. No close friendships with the opposite sex. Buying gifts = close. Not okay in our marriage.


----------



## Coffee Amore

It depends. Depends on the gift, the amount of money spent on the gift, and the relationship between the two people. 

Gift giving is very common where I live. So if a colleague of his gave my husband a gift at Christmas for example, I wouldn't be surprised or too concerned. That's happened. It's happened to me too by male colleagues, but it's cultural, not a come on. The gifts are usually something like candy, cookies, or something quite impersonal that could be given to either gender. We're not talking jewelry, lingerie, perfume. People here give gifts to the trashman, newspaper boy and postman too. People give a quick hug to each other when they meet each other too. Again it's culture, not necessarily done with the intention of flirting with someone.


----------



## that_girl

Family members? Fine.

Work colleague...hm...gift card from whole team? Awesome. One gift from some chick? Hell no.


----------



## SunnyT

It's all context.


----------



## I got this

It depends on the relationship, occasion, intent, gift and circumstances. 

There are plenty of cases where it is completely appropriate and others where it is way out of bounds. 

Common sense is the guide


----------



## Caribbean Man

SunnyT said:


> It's all context.


:iagree:

This is going to be a thorny thread.

My wife gets lots of gifts from both women and men. She has lots of male friends.
I only get gifts from females. I have no close male friends, and aall of my business clients are female.

I think what would make it inappropriate in our case is the cost of the gift and the nature of the gifts.
No personal gifts allowed.

I also have business customers from other countries whom I may exchange gifts with as a token of appreciation. Thee gifts most times are souvenir , sometimes a bit expensive, but they are never personal gifts.

I remember a female client once gave me a very small , expensive mobile phone. Her husband worked with the company.
I gave the phone to my wife for two reasons.
1]She loves cellphones and electronic gadgets. She has much more than me.
2]I didn't want to offend the client by refusing it.

I guess it all depends.
But things can easily get out of hand if there are not strong boundaries.


----------



## brokenbythis

Mavash. said:


> Yes we have boundaries. No close friendships with the opposite sex. Buying gifts = close. Not okay in our marriage.


YEP. My ex disagrees. Not just gifts but phone calls to his cell phone, drinks and lunches and outings (without me).

That's why he's now my EX!


----------



## Hortensia

Acceptable with strict boundaries: gifts from female family members. Very small, symbolic gifts from colleagues on birthdays, Christmas, etc. 
Those are ok.

Let me tell you something, a woman does not give a man a substantial gift unless she's romantically interested in him. She just doesn't.
I could not see myself buy an expensive gift for a man who means nothing to me. Before my hubby and I got officially together, him and I exchanged not only expensive gifts, but ones with a hidden significance, known only by us. It was there between us long before we ended up together...I always loved him, and he knew it. He was accepting it, because he too liked me. Love blossomed fully a while later...
So, if a woman keeps giving your hubby gifts, beware. She's not just being nice, she's big time after him. 
No gifts from other girls allowed for my spouse. Knowing what I do. With the small exceptions above.


----------



## Wiltshireman

SunnyT hit the nail on the head "It's all context."

We have a "Secret Santa" (max spend set at £30 about $50) at work each year and I have even been known to ask for my wife’s advice on what to buy when I have pulled a women’s name out of the hat. Are others OK with that?

If someone who works for me has gone "above and beyond" to get the job done then I will give them a "thank you" gift regardless of their gender. Are others OK with that?

My line manager is a woman and will always pick me some cigars from duty free when she is traveling outside the EU on business. In the same way that I get the girls in the office perfume or chocolates if I am traveling. Are others OK with that?

For me these are OK.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Yep,
I was once part of a company that did the " Secret Santa" thing every year, but most times the gift I got sucked, lol.

Seriously though, I think it whether or not accepting gifts are appropriate,would depend on lots of things.

I'll give an example.
I have this friend , who I used to call " Imelda Marcos " because she looked like her and was a shoe & fashion freak just like her.
She loved haute couture and shoes.

She worked as a media consultant for a major company overseas, but she lived here in the Caribbean. 
She was a divorcee with two teenage daughters.
She was a foreigner and, after her divorce, had no immediate family here.
Her job took her all over the world often and my wife & I would chaperon her daughters in her absence.

Whenever she travelled, she would purchase designer clothing as a thank you gift for me and sometimes even my wife.They were expensive items of clothing, they were her taste in clothing ,[ and mine too] but my wife couldn't be bothered. Most of the stuff she bought for her simply weren't her taste.
My wife has simple taste, my taste is different.
My wife would give away most of these items of clothing , I definitely wore mine.
lol, how can I give away a Cavalli shirt ?

Anyway, what mattered was that it was an expression of her gratitude for what we did for her.
She was initially my friend, she became friends of our marriage , and she respected our marriage.In fact she admired and respected it so much that she trusted us with her teenage daughters.

I think each couple should develop boundaries that suits their situation. For us , those boundaries are who we accept gifts from, and each other should agree on this particular friend giving gifts.
We've never really disagreed because we both know each other's friends well.
In our culture , hugging and gift giving are acceptable non intimate ways of showing appreciation.
Even men hug men upon greeting and women hug women, opposite sex too.


----------



## Wiltshireman

Hortensia said:


> Acceptable with strict boundaries: gifts from female family members. Very small, symbolic gifts from colleagues on birthdays, Christmas, etc.
> Those are ok.
> 
> Let me tell you something, a woman does not give a man a substantial gift unless she's romantically interested in him. She just doesn't.
> I could not see myself buy an expensive gift for a man who means nothing to me. Before my hubby and I got officially together, him and I exchanged not only expensive gifts, but ones with a hidden significance, known only by us. It was there between us long before we ended up together...I always loved him, and he knew it. He was accepting it, because he too liked me. Love blossomed fully a while later...
> So, if a woman keeps giving your hubby gifts, beware. She's not just being nice, she's big time after him.
> No gifts from other girls allowed for my spouse. Knowing what I do. With the small exceptions above.


I think it is wrong of you to tar ALL people with the same broad brush, gift (even valuable ones) are often given as a sign of gratitude with no romantic meaning or feeling involved.

As an example I was given a gold pocket watch on my wedding day by one off the elderly ladies at church (it had been her husband’s until he died) as her thanks for my doing her gardening / taking her in her wheelchair to do her shopping over the previous couple of years. 
A former employer of my wife chauffeured us in his Bentley as a wedding present. 

As an extreme example a neighbor of my father’s (a reclusive elderly gent) left his home to the “meals on wheels” lady who had visited her 3 times a week for the last years of his life.


----------



## Starstarfish

> 2]I didn't want to offend the client by refusing it.


This. :iagree:

My husband ends up in similiar situations through his work - both with clients and with female co-workers or superiors. Just accepting the gift is often easier than causing grief with customers or co-workers and leading to problems at work by seeming rude and ungrateful. 

Its never been anything particularly "personal' though - gift cards, fruit baskets, a few books, a bottle of wine once. His reward for a good job last year was a monogrammed business card holder, but as is emblazoned with the company symbol, I'm guessing its something stock that can be ordered by bigwigs. (LOL, which also ensures he can't really use it if he moves to a different company.)


----------



## Mavash.

> As an example I was given a gold pocket watch on my wedding day by one off the elderly ladies at church (it had been her husband’s until he died) as her thanks for my doing her gardening / taking her in her wheelchair to do her shopping over the previous couple of years.


There is a huge difference between an elderly lady giving gift for doing yard work and the woman with ulterior motives.

Most of us women are smart enough to know the difference.

I don't care if my husband gets a gift from a female neighbor for dog sitting but like that girl said from some random chick. Not no but HELL no.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Wiltshireman said:


> I think it is wrong of you to tar ALL people with the same broad brush, gift (even valuable ones) are often given as a sign of gratitude with no romantic meaning or feeling involved.
> 
> As an example I was given a gold pocket watch on my wedding day by one off the elderly ladies at church (it had been her husband’s until he died) as her thanks for my doing her gardening / taking her in her wheelchair to do her shopping over the previous couple of years.
> A former employer of my wife chauffeured us in his Bentley as a wedding present.
> 
> As an extreme example a neighbor of my father’s (a reclusive elderly gent) left his home to the “meals on wheels” lady who had visited her 3 times a week for the last years of his life.


:iagree:

A male colleague visited another state for business and he brought me back a fridge magnet. It's not worth much. He's done that before. I've brought back souveniers for colleagues when I travel for business. It's just part of how things are done here. It's pretty customary here to bring something back for colleagues when you go on a business or personal trip. Again what's given is not personal. 


Country Apple said:


> I just wanted to take a quick poll. My husband and I disagree about gifts from members of the opposite sex. *Do you think it is appropriate, inappropriate, or appropriate within limits to receive gifts from the opposite sex?


Part of the problem with answering "No" to this question as it is worded now is you'd be saying any gift from the opposite sex is wrong. The question doesn't allow any qualifiers. The question is so broad that it will include female relatives, young girls, elderly women from church and so on. Young girls, elderly women, female relatives all fall into the category of "opposite sex."


----------



## meson

Coffee Amore said:


> :iagree:
> 
> A male colleague visited another state for business and he brought me back a fridge magnet. It's not worth much. He's done that before. I've brought back souveniers for colleagues when I travel for business. It's just part of how things are done here. It's pretty customary here to bring something back for colleagues when you go on a business or personal trip. Again what's given is not personal.
> 
> 
> Part of the problem with answering "No" to this question as it is worded now is you'd be saying any gift from the opposite sex is wrong. The question doesn't allow any qualifiers. The question is so broad that it will include female relatives, young girls, elderly women from church and so on. Young girls, elderly women, female relatives all fall into the category of "opposite sex."


Travel gifts are common where my wife works. They do international travel and bring back candy chocolates unique to the area. Sometimes some other trinkets as well. I don't have a problem with this even though in my office it's not common. We tend to do farewell gifts.

However the full answer really depends on the person. If you are reconciling it should be more strict because now the appearance matters more because of the previous failing. In this case the continued reinforcement of trust is more important. 

I also come from a culture where gifts are traditional and refused gifts are offending. So I think gifts are fine (unless some other factor makes them inappropriate as mentioned in other posts) until there is some reason that the trust should be examined.


----------



## Jellybeans

It totally depends on the circumstances. 

I dont see why the dollar amount is such a focus in the survey.. unless you know, like someone bought a house.

For instance, I may give a guy at work a gift of $10 Starbucks card for a Christmas exchange gift. Is this inappropriate? No.

Depends on the circumstance. Blanket statements = no good, per usual.


----------



## Jellybeans

Coffee Amore said:


> :iagree:
> 
> A male colleague visited another state for business and he brought me back a fridge magnet. It's not worth much. He's done that before. I've brought back souveniers for colleagues when I travel for business. It's just part of how things are done here. It's pretty customary here to bring something back for colleagues when you go on a business or personal trip. Again what's given is not personal.


:iagree:


----------



## Country Apple

Jellybeans said:


> It totally depends on the circumstances.
> 
> I dont see why the dollar amount is such a focus in the survey.. unless you know, like someone bought a house.
> 
> For instance, I may give a guy at work a gift of $10 Starbucks card for a Christmas exchange gift. Is this inappropriate? No.
> 
> Depends on the circumstance. Blanket statements = no good, per usual.


Thanks for your comment Jellybeans. I have to confess this survey was really designed to show my husband how unreasonable he is. He believes a gift of any amount and any type is acceptable. Full disclosure: He is from South America, however, we have discussed the issue of gift giving and he knows how I feel about it. In the past he has received perfume, clothes, and shoes from a woman. I just learned this week that he was bought a $500 computer program or something computer related and was previously bought a playstation. I don't know if these are all from the same woman or not, but I suspect they are from 1 or 2. The last two gifts he has hidden because according to him they are not in appropriate and he does not agree with my beliefs. 

Like I said I was planning on showing this post to him, however, I am thinking it's not really worth the time or effort. I'm half way out the door at this point.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Country Apple said:


> Thanks for your comment Jellybeans. I have to confess this survey was really designed to show my husband how unreasonable he is. He believes a gift of any amount and any type is acceptable. Full disclosure: He is from South America, however, we have discussed the issue of gift giving and he knows how I feel about it. In the past he has received perfume, clothes, and shoes from a woman. I just learned this week that he was bought a $500 computer program or something computer related and was previously bought a playstation. I don't know if these are all from the same woman or not, but I suspect they are from 1 or 2. The last two gifts he has hidden because according to him they are not in appropriate and he does not agree with my beliefs.
> 
> Like I said I was planning on showing this post to him, however, I am thinking it's not really worth the time or effort. I'm half way out the door at this point.


Those gifts are clearly personal and out of bounds. Perfume, clothes and shoes? And a $500 computer program?! Gifts like that are meant to court someone. I'm sorry for the situation you're in.


----------



## Skate Daddy 9

This reminds me of that part in Elf when Buddy sees some lingerie in the department store and it says "For that special someone" so he buys it for his dad.


----------



## Maricha75

As others said, it depends on the context. IMO, it also depends on the cost. If going on vacation and you see a neat keychain or coffee cup that you know someone would appreciate, why not? If buying a diamond necklace, or earrings, or something like that, then no, that is not appropriate.


----------



## Hortensia

We play Secret Santa at my workplace too. Those are ok. Small gifts under $50. Nothing of a great value or of a romantic nature.
Gold watch as a thank for gardening? It would raise my eyebrow, unless it's from an old lady. 
The only expensive gratitude gifts acceptable are for a doctor that saved your life, or treated you free or very low cost, for an opposite sex friend that helped save your marriage or reconciled you with an estranged sibling, or some other very important help. 
Gratitude for doing my gardening, fixing my comp, etc...can have an ulterior motive. 
And no I don't paint anyone with the same brush. I'm stating what I accept or not in MY marriage.
Same goes for women accepting gifts from other men than their spouse. I would not.


----------

