# Having issues accepting his friend



## jodilee (Aug 31, 2013)

My fiancé and I live together and planning on getting married in November. We are very much in love but I have this one issue that's making me think I need to leave him.

He has a female friend who he's known for years now and she helped him through a lot of stuff years ago. He doesn't have much in family locally just his friends and her being one of them.

I was ok with this at first, then I met her and when I did, I didn't like her, i don't drink or smoke pot and my excuse was that i'm a government employee and she acted like i was full of **** with that in front of him. And when she left she asked him to walk her to the car, only to find out it was because she wanted to hug on him but not in front of me.

Well this goes on to a few things, one night he got a midnight text and we were in the car together and i asked him who would be texting him in the middle of the night and he got all pissy and mad and yelled at me for asking snoopy questions. it was first time he ever snapped at me like that and found out later it was her texting him. He would get texts from her late at night when we would be snuggled on the couch watching tv having our time and he would carry on a texting conversation with him so i quickly grew lots of resentment and jealousy.

Then a couple months ago, what was to be our first date night in our new apartment he didn't come home when he said he was and became nasty with me on the texts to me. I ended up picking him up on her side of town and when i looked at phone bill and he had been massively texting her same time he was texting nasty mean stuff to me and when i asked to see the texts he had already deleted them. His excuse was that she texted him because her boyfriend left her. He claims he wasn't at her place but i feel i will never know.

He told me he was going to back off of talking to her so much and i didn't have anything to worry about when i explained to him there needed to be a line.

Well now its back, we had an argument and he said he was leaving me and i got on my pc and his email was left up and there it was he been emailing her and she referred to me as his meal ticket. i was furious, i do make the money in the house due to child support eating his paycheck. In the email she was offering to go see him at work which she lives across the street.

He insists he never had anything but friendship with her but they met on POF years ago and he lived with her supposedly as friends for a month or two and tells me she's his friend regardless and not gonna lose that.

I don't want him to lose a friend he has had for years that was there for him during hard times but now when he goes to work i'm a total nerve case thinking of her up there rubbing her chest against him and i am at the point that even though i love him very much i cannot get past any of this and maybe i need to give him up and leave even though i love him very much. I look at this as my issue because i can't accept her but i can't ask him to not be friends with her as she had done a lot for him when needed. I don't know what to do but i'm miserable almost all the time now over this. Early on i offered to try and get to know her and be friends with her but to be honest she really unnerved me that first meeting with the pushiness.

please any advice would be helpful.


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## twin (Feb 24, 2013)

When I read the title, I knew this was going to be a female friend. He needs to prioritize what is important to him, and you need to be number one! Good luck, Hon. You can't control his actions, but you can decide what you will accept.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

You are right : you need to leave him.
And you are wrong: you are not very much in love. You are with him, he with you, not likely.

Two big issues detected from your story:
1. She is NOT just a friend. He's putting her ahead of you. The texting and hugging behind your back proves that they're more than friends. This is an emotional affair - at least. Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass with him, if you decide to stay.
2. She referred to you as his "meal ticket" because he said things to her about viewing you that way. You paying for most of the stuff - I hope you don't actually mean maintain him- makes you just that. Especially if he is not "in love " with you, and she picked on that vibe also. 

I'd say, it's either her or you. No contact, no text, no hugs, no visits. Or you're gone. Don't be weak not to give him an ultimatum.


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## LisaA (Aug 31, 2013)

Totally agree with Hortensia. I am sorry but if they are not already having an affair, they are likely too. If he is getting nasty with you that means that you are just standing in his way now and he resents you cause he might really want to be with her. Sorry. I think my husband is cheating too and they are trying to prove me mentally unstable if its any comfort.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If it isn't her, it will be someone else because your fiance has poor boundaries and doesn't consider you his priority. He doesn't sound like much of a catch, anyway. 

Walk away and thank your lucky stars that you dodged a bullet.


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## creative (Apr 23, 2013)

To me I think your fiancée needs to consider who he truly is bonded with. If its his friend, then I think he needs to do the decency and tell you the truth about his relationship and involvement about this friend with you. If its with you, he needs to stop being secretive and build the trust with you and leave this friend to get on with her life. Personally, if I was in your situation and my wife acted in the ways you described, I would sit her down, say to her "hun, you know how I feel about your friend. What you are doing is hurting me and creating a mistrust between us. How would you feel if I was getting midnight texts from a male friend and chatting to him all the time? In other words, if rolls were reversed would you trust me? No I bet you wouldn't. You have a right to get defensive however what shows to me is you value her over me. She is your friend and I get that but I don't feel like I'm your number one. You have your reasons for this relationship but for this relationship to be successful, we need to be open and honest with each other...." 

Ok I know I fully put words into your mouth! To me he seems like he's playing you like a fool, even though you're an intelligent person but his little BS games needs to stop. Give him some time to grow some maturity but set yourself some boundaries with him. If he plays his emotional manipulation card by threatening to leave the relationship, remember it is part of the game and you don't want to play it. If he says that, he's just being immature and call him out on it. Tell him " don't go there, you're better than that. I'm marrying you because of your qualities you have. If you want your fun with your little b!tch (you don't like her so you might as well be unfriendly lol ), then don't drag me along with your ego ride". Look, it doesn't matter what you say but don't *****-foot around with your words, just be up-front, assertive and tell him like it is and how you truly feel. You will feel good being in control and if things go south, then you spoke from the heart and you are better to share your life with someone who appreciates you and leave him to learn from his mistakes. There a loads of great guys out there, it's not a myth but is he truth. You have choices too, but take control before he walks over you and continues his behaviours into your marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, they view you as his meal ticket. And, yes, she's where his focus is. So let the two of them be together. 

Leave and don't look back.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I'm sorry you have put up with this crap so long. Give him the ultimatum. It's the only way! 

When my now H and I were first moving in together, I came across boxes of stuff belonging to another woman. She was "just a friend" that had stored her stuff at his place when she moved across the country. This stuff included pictures, little knick knacks, and of course her thongs. WTH? I wasn't having it and told him it was all going in the trash. Why was I going to bust my pregnant butt moving another woman's panties into OUR home? No way! So a few weeks later we had switched phones for the day and he got a text from her asking "what was with the disappearing act?" I texted her back apologizing for keeping him so busy lately but since I was pregnant with his child, I felt I had the right. It was pretty sarcastic on my part but I was already pissed about this woman, even if she did live across the country! She ended up calling and going off on me telling me that I was nothing more than a one night stand gone wrong and he would never love me as much as he loved her! When he got home from work I gave it to him. It was me or her and he had about 10 seconds to decide.

If your SO has his priorities right, and he cares about making your relationship work, he will make the right decision and cut all communication with this other woman. But if he refuses, then you need to get out NOW! Don't waste anymore of your precious time with a man who doesn't value you and your position in his life! It's scary giving them an ultimatum when you think they might choose the other person, but it needs to be done. Just remember that if they do choose the other person, you don't need them anyway! Good luck OP!


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

In your heart, if he had to choose, would it be you or her? Go with your gut feeling on that. If my H EVER talked to another women about us and I saw an email describing me as a meal ticket, I would be gone. So much disrespect in your post. Why do you need to put up with that. You are worth more than that. Why does he do it? Because you have not set boundaries. What's your dealbreaker?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I wonder why you did not leave him long time ago! meals ticket!. Ask him right now what he wants, if he can cut contact with the other woman and respect your relationship or to choose the other. Seriously if you love him, i am not sure if he loves you or if he is using you. no one wants to stop fiance or BF from talking to former friends but txt in the middle of the night!!, when he knows u do not like it, he should tell the other woman " my fiance does not like it and set up boundaries, and that other woman should understand it! if both do not respect this, this is a serious issue, and you fiance is a piece of junk, leave him . Do you know why? because if you get married, he may be closer to the other woman and would always tell you that she is a friend!! They are trying to train you so that you accept their relationship!! stand up tall and leave him if he does not listen. Be strong, Hugs


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## jodilee (Aug 31, 2013)

Since I found that email I noticed her number not on the phone bill lately. I've tried to talk to him about my issues with her and he gets upset and tells me I will find anything to have an issue with her. He holds firm that he will remain friends with her and tells me all the stuff she had done for him years ago when in need and how he don't have family locally. I feel bad and I don't want him to lose a friend but I really don't like this chick at all and it still unnerves me how she referred to me as meal ticket. He says he wants to have her and her kid over for dinner some time and I told him I was NOT ready for that. I asked him if he was sneaking some other way to talk to her and he said no. 

in the beginning of our relationship he had a friend that was out of state he knew for awhile and talked to via texting. I didn't think anything of it until I got ahold of his phone and yes I snooped and he had wrote that he would always love her and that he got to hold her atleast once. he tried to convince me that they were just friends but I wasn't having it or believing it after seeing that text and he broke communication with her. he had gone camping with the girl the year before we met and I was to believe nothing happened after that text.

another thing in the beginning was my computer was down and I got on the PS3 to check my facebook and his was up, he left a message to his ex gf of the always love stuff and that "Picture" was their song and for her to think of him when she heard it. I was devastated I couldn't believe he'd do that. We have a facebook together now, his idea.

I think I have serious issues trusting him when it comes to the new age of communication and try really hard to move on since that was a while ago.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

That last post really solidifies that you need to end this.

My husband had told me flat out that he would continue to stay in contact with his first wife, would not set boundaries, and that their relationship was none of my business. He divorced me to remarry her. So dont think it doesnt happen.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jodi, he has already shown his true character to you. He even said that he is adamant that he will remain friends with her, no matter what. That should tell you right there that SHE is his priority, not you. Add me to the list of people saying to just let him go. If he really loved you, this girl would be a non-issue... she would be gone. There are some who are ok with opposite sex friends... but even those on that side would say this is a BAD situation, and to cut your losses now. It's better to do it BEFORE you marry than to learn later on that they are, indeed, carrying on an affair.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Get out NOW! Don't marry this guy, he WILL cheat on you if he hasn't already, and I believe he has. He's made his choice and it was not you. Don't ever settle for being somebody's second best. I guarantee she changed her phone number or they found another way to communicate. There are so many apps out there to text with that don't show up as a phone number on a phone bill. There's no way he cut down communicating with her but is saying he wants to have her over for dinner. So let him have her over for dinner. But make sure you and all your stuff is moved out first!! Be thankful you didn't make this a permanent relationship (marriage) and start a family before finding out what he's truly about. Take care of yourself Jodi and that means knowing you are worth WAY more than this idiot is giving you and setting yourself free to find someone who DOES appreciate you and will devote themselves to you and ONLY you!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

He is not a one woman man. What you see is what you get. It will not change after the wedding, in fact, it will probably get worse.

In my opinion, he is using you. I am sorry to say that, but I think it is true. As his wife, or soon to be, you should be his top priority, you clearly are not. He will pick his "friend", ex girl friends, and who knows who else over you - always. 

How do you judge the future? Through history - history has a way of repeating itself, over and over and over again.


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## creative (Apr 23, 2013)

Get out when you can because you're just setting yourself up to be hurt


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

This is very serious Jodi , but the reasons u did not get many responses is that the title u used is weak , u should say "my fiance is cheating " or " my fiance does not love me should i marry him ?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I see the word 'priority' has come up several times.... to me that is the biggest issue here.

You are NOT his #1 priority sadly.

IMO when a couple marry and make that commitment they make each other their #1 priority (but this has to be displayed and 'lived' during the engagement too).

That's how we keep our marriages/LTR's special and loving.

I've been married 23 years... just once I've had to pull the " it's her or me" line. 
It was a woman who was an assistant coach on our sons rugby team...hubby was coach. She was finding reasons to phone him every day, dropping in to see him for silly reasons even after the season had finished and they had no reason to be in contact
. 
My gut instinct KNEW she was trouble so I told him he could keep her happy or me... he choose me. It took him a nano second to decide and she ceased to exist. 

We all have to decide what we will and will not except in life/marriage. While engaged you are still getting to know each other and setting boundaries and rules that you will live by during your marriage...what are your boundaries?

Are you going to choose to marry man who wants to have girl friends?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I see the word 'priority' has come up several times.... to me that is the biggest issue here.
> 
> You are NOT his #1 priority sadly.
> 
> ...


Agree.

As a married man there is no way I would want to be "friends" with some woman. To me guys want to be friends with guys. Women might be there as "what if" or "be nice to hit that eventually" "friends" for some a$$hole guys.

Before I was married or even dated, I was friendly with one girl at work who I had no real attraction towards. *1*. All the rest were ones that the little brain wanted. And even then I think she MAY have had a small thing for me.

So long winded way of saying IMO little if any good can ever come of man and woman friendships where one or even both are in commited relationships and/or married. Even the perfect man or woman can annoy you some when you live with them and are around them so much. That other person could seem awfully appealing under the right/wrong circumstances. Best way for that to not happen? No opposite sex friend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm with the others on this.

A man can have a long-time female friend how is not a threat to his marriage. But it's not a usual thing to happen. To make it work she would have to be a friend to the marriage and treat his wife with respect. And he would have to put his fiance'/wife a head of the female friend.

She's not a friend of yours or your relationship. 

He does not put you first. If is did, she would have never felt free t call you his meal ticket. Be assured that this is the tip of the ice burg of the mean spirited things they talk about with you.
Let her be his meal ticket. 

You do not need any more proof of what is going on. Do not marry him or stay with him.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm with the others on this.
> 
> A man can have a long-time female friend how is not a threat to his marriage. But it's not a usual thing to happen. To make it work she would have to be a friend to the marriage and treat his wife with respect. And he would have to put his fiance'/wife a head of the female friend.
> 
> ...


Friends of the opposite sex are almost always a disaster waiting to happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> Friends of the opposite sex are almost always a disaster waiting to happen.


Yes, almost always. Though I have seen a few that were not... very few.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Time to drop your fiancé---he is choosing his friend over you his fiancé---if he wanted to truly marry you--she would be gone

What are his real reasons for becoming engaged, cuz he sure isn't putting you 1st, and therefore, how much can he really love you

An X---who did things for him in the past, why isn't he with her??????----probably cuz he knows there is nothing there with her---but if he knows his friendship with her bothers you---he needs to pick you, if he wants to keep you---if he is gonna defy you, and get nasty with you---I am sure you know what you need to do---

No matter what---I do not think marrying him, is a very good idea---he just doesn't think enuff of you---ie: his world does not revolve around you, and that is not the kind of person, you wanna take vows with


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

You think you have trust issues now....just wait until you get married.....there will not be any peace in your marriage becuase of his relationship with this woman. You will always have a problem with trust that will eventually destroy your marriage.
If this guy was my fiance....he would be gone in an heartbeat. I wouldn't even give him a choice....becuase I would always have issues about trusting him.....no matter what he says. 
Dump him...he's not worth a heartache and a headache.


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