# Difficult wife



## eastern irish (Mar 5, 2012)

Hi, am new to here and am not a native English speaker but would really appreciate any of your comments/advise as I feel like I am a drowning man, wanting to catch a straw in my marriage.

I am currently living in Ireland, being married to an Irish lady with two children for approx 6 years now. I and my wife started seeing each other about 10 years ago and it was really good for about 6 or 7 years but since she became pregnant, she started pushing me away. I thought this was a temporary thing but at some point in time, we got too used to this disconnection and our relationship has been falling apart since.

Although I've been at my wit's end trying to get us to work, she has made it so difficult for me to achieve it. There have been so many cases where I felt unfair of how she treated me. The way she has been treating me is just unbearable. For example, we bought a car from our savings but mostly mine. She stays at home with kids so she needs a car to take them anywhere necessary - fair enough but the other day, I asked her if I could take the car to work and she said "no". All I asked was just only once a week that I needed the car, specially when I have something to do after work and would be nice to drive, without taking public transport. 

So, as I got turned down by her, I was feeling really frustrated since and the other morning, I took the car key without getting her approval and she started being really aggressive and following me after I left home. She grabbed my hand and managed to get the car key off of me. This really drove me mad and I started getting the key back and accidentally, left a little cut on both my and her hands. (please note that i never became physical, i.e. never hit her. Although trying to get the key back may be classified as DV but wait, she became so in the first place) 

Now she started being so paranoid and called police. The police came and the wife started acting as if she was the only victim of the incident, telling them that i became physical. But in fact, she was the very woman who became aggressively physical trying to get the key from me. And oh yeah, while she was doing that, she tore my jacket like crazy and it got completely destroyed after all. The police said "if two of you can't make it work, just split." I do understand it and am aware that they don't wanna be too much involved in these cases. The wife said "I am gonna get a restraint order so you cannot be back home after work."

She has always expected me to do a lot of things when she cannot/doesn't want to do anything for me. And she has always given me unfair practice like the above issue. There are so many other stories like above. So I ask her why these rows/arguments happen but she doesn't seem to have any intelligence to figure out the reasons. She might know but she just doesn't want to admit her faults.

Now she has been saying she wants to separate from me. It would be understandable if it was my fault but not. I always seem to be the only one who has to say sorry even if I am not wrong, just to make our family environment more cheerful.

I would really like to bring up a lot more cases where she treated me badly or gave me such unfair practice but would bring up more as this thread moves on.

Any advise/comment/help are welcome. Thank you


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Leave. Pack your bags and get out. Or kick your wife out. What she's doing is abusive and wrong. You can not change who she is, she can only change herself. If she's physically abusive, get out fast. If she's always screaming and yelling at you, that is verbal abuse. No one deserves to be treated this way.

My husbands friends wife would do the same thing. She pushed her husband off the ladder, called the police and said he pushed her. Luckily their kids spoke up and told the truth. This woman was also having an affair on her husband. They ended up divorcing. She never stopped being abusive towards him either.

Your wife does not respect you. If she respected you, she would of let you take the car. She would of never gotten physical with you if she loved and respected you.


----------



## eastern irish (Mar 5, 2012)

@I'mInLoveWithMyHubby, thank you for your comment. 

I wish my kids were old enough to speak up and tell the truth. My wife is not as bad as your husbands friend's wife but could become similar if it gets worse than it is now. What she says to me was "the fact that I became physical in the first place, doesn't justify my behaviour." She is just way too proud of herself to say sorry, stubborn, really self-centred and such a control freak.

It may be easier to split at the end but I am scared to be liable to pay her or compensate if we get to court if getting divorced.
Even though she is this difficult to deal with, I would like to find a way to work us out, not only for the sake of children but also for my life, as I would feel really devastated if got divorced. I love my children so much that I want to see them every day.

Would any of you have any suggestions on how we can work it out?


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You can not change who your wife is. You can only suggest a professional therapist for marriage counseling or individual therapy. Your wife sounds like she may have some deep issues to work out or it could be a mentally health issue. I bet your leaving a lot out about your wife. Just from hearing this, she has zero respect for you. This is not how a marriage should be. 

I left my first husband because he was abusive and cheated on me with several women. I had a child and I did not want my child raised by an abuser. 

I met my 2nd husband. We've had the most beautiful relationship and marriage for the last 12 years. My husband and I treat each other with respect. We get along very well. In the last 13 years we've gotten into one argument, which lasted 5 minutes. Never is there any violence of any kind in our house, not even yelling or screaming. My husband is my best friend. We laugh, we talk a lot, have fun, have a healthy intimate life and we meet each others needs. We both are very happy. We both put effort into keeping each other happy.

My first husband was always yelling and screaming at me. He would always put me down telling me I was worthless and even worse words. I had enough and packed my bags. He remarried and never got help, he is worse now then ever before. He abuses his current wife and yes, he cheats on her. Our daughter together is almost 18 years old. He no longer wants to see her, he won't allow contact for her to see her siblings. He is in control of everything in that house. His wife allows to be controlled. They both live a very miserable life.

It's up to you if you want to live a miserable life. For one thing, you need to stand up for yourself. Man up, no more Mr. Nice guy. 

Most couples here get 1/2 custody of their children. There is no child support. You might get stuck paying alimony, but it is not forever, neither is child support if you do have to pay, but your children are entitled to be supported financially and emotionally. Maybe even a separation would wake your wife up into not being so selfish.


----------



## eastern irish (Mar 5, 2012)

Thank you very much again for your further comment on this. 

Yes, am starting to realize that people cannot change others. However, I feel that if I give up on my dignity or pride, then I could get on with her. If I agreed to every single thing she orders, then she would be happy. And as you said, separation might be a good wake-up call for her but I have this scary feeling and doubt that she would not realize her faults and she would just take advantage of me as much as she possibly could. I mean, she orders me to look after our kids whenever she needs and don't let me say no, and not letting me see them whenever I want. e.t.c.

What would you suggest if you were me and were to decide to get us to work?

Really happy for you to hear that your 2nd husband is treating you the way you want : )


----------



## IMarkog (Sep 21, 2012)

Hi eastern irish,

I feel for you.

I dont know how your marriage is going at the moment, its been a while from your last comment. I was/ I am in a similar situation, in a very difficult relationship and I started browsing the net to see if I could understand what is going on, I found this site helpful:

for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men

and Im not saying this might be the case with your wife/marriage but it may help you to assess your marriage, and maybe understand your wife and yourself.

In my case, I'm in the process of trying to figure out is my relationship worth all the pain, agony and mental abuse. I'm not a saint myself, Ill be the first to admit it, but many times my girfriends behaviour is way out of proportion. Relationships shouldn't be this difficult, but hey, it seems Im the Rescuer  and Ill tolerate almost anything. Read articles from that site and youll understand what I mean.

Going to a therapist might be an option for you too.


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

OK, I may be completely off base but I'm just going to throw this out there....

You and your wife have known each other for 10 years. That's a long enough time to know someone and their character. If you have never been physical with her in the past then I think her calling the cops because of a scratch was over the top. However she may have seen the altercation as her "get of out jail" free card. Perhaps she has been unhappy in this marriage for a while and you didn't give her much reason to justify leaving. Now, with this altercation and cops getting involved, she saw it as an opportunity to say she wants out. 

If what you were saying is true about what happened then I find it VERY sad that she felt the need to call the cops! Especially since she had a hand in it. 

This marriage may not be worth saving right now until she gets the help she needs. And you need to take back your independence.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

She seems difficult. Please note that if you have a difficult wife, it does not change with a divorce, it just gets much worse. If it was just you and her, I'd say call it a day. Now that you have two children, already have money problems which will get worse with a divorce, you have to consider trying to work things out. Courts will determine when you see your children or even come to your own home

Do what you are doing, talk to different people to try to get some insight. Maybe she feels overwhelmed. Talk to other women to try to get an understanding of what is bothering her. 

Never, use violence or get a situation where it is used, while the law can be very easy with many different types of criminals, it comes down very hard on husbands who use any form of physical force.


----------

