# Man child



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

So my dh started a new job yesterday. He was complaining the whole day about it. He's been unemployed for 3 months. He is now unhappy about this job. It's just freelance. We NEED the money. So on day 2 ... He didn't leave the house until the time he was supposed to be at work. Then after leaving the house he calls me... Swearing up and down that he forgot the keys to his work vehicle and his sunglasses. So he asks me to meet him. I do it so he doesn't get fired. Then he proceeds to send me to a location I'm completely unfamiliar with (iPhone gps not working) and gets ticked at ME because I don't know where he's at! I'm driving all over Gods green earth trying to help and he's sending me on a wild goose chase. So he's going to 50 minutes late to work on day TWO of work. And no he didn't do it on purpose... He's just that LATE. 

I'm so frustrated. I feel like he is just bringing me down! We've been together for 15 years. I've let him ride my coat tails. Now I just don't know what to do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

WE MUST BE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN!!:rofl:

My partner will often forget to set the alarm for work...I *know* it's because deep down he hates working and always has  I've spent most of our 14yrs together with him working just long enough to be able to collect employment insurance-year after year. That is until he got a really good paying job a couple years ago. 

I decided since finding this site a few weeks ago-that I would stop "ensuring" the alarm is set. He's an adult and I'm NOT HIS MOMMA

Little story-my partner chose one year to not look for work while unemployed for the whole 9 months. I feared that day would come,and it did. We ended up having to leave all our stuff behind(sold or gave it away) and move in with (shiver)HIS parents for half a year(he acted like it was no big deal). I begged,pleaded and threatened him to wake up to the reality we faced if he didn't try looking for work-he was stubborn and lazy...and voila exactly what I predicted

The real fun for him was having to move back to the city we were living in(across country from his parents),and he was forced to live and work by himself for three months while we were stuck on a farm in the middle of nowhere...since then 
(2003),he's been a lot more cooperative with finding/keeping work. Perhaps it was the fact that when he came back by himself,he went through a breakdown-I left our 3&5yr old sons with the grandparents(he hated that they were forced to live without us for a couple of months) while I moved back and tried to help get the new place set up for the kids again...

FRUSTRATION is how it feels to be married to a man-child. 

Stop ENABLING HIM to be a childish man 

Stop BEING HIS MOMMA 

Hugs,


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Man child is a good way to describe it. I know you do not want to see him fall on his face, but sometimes thats how "children" learn. Then there are some that never do.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I understand that I am enabling. But this is our chance HIS chance at securing employment. And I know the people, I got him the week of work. It's just a tough spot to be in. The thing is he is incredibly smart and talented. He just can't get his act together. Like today. I'm exhausted. Was up sick last night and I got up and went to work. My hubby to,d me I should tell my boss that I'm overworked and just too exhausted to handle my current workload. I was shocked. I have the only income! So I should challenge my BoSS! He keeps railing on me and telling me to call in sick to work. Is he crazy? 


I have considered leaving- once and for all. It's just same theme different circumstances...



Jamison said:


> Man child is a good way to describe it. I know you do not want to see him fall on his face, but sometimes thats how "children" learn. Then there are some that never do.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> I understand that I am enabling. But this is our chance HIS chance at securing employment. And I know the people, I got him the week of work. It's just a tough spot to be in. The thing is he is incredibly smart and talented. He just can't get his act together. Like today. I'm exhausted. Was up sick last night and I got up and went to work. My hubby to,d me I should tell my boss that I'm overworked and just too exhausted to handle my current workload. I was shocked. I have the only income! So I should challenge my BoSS! He keeps railing on me and telling me to call in sick to work. Is he crazy?
> 
> 
> I have considered leaving- once and for all. It's just same theme different circumstances...
> ...


Does your husband act like a man-child in other areas of the relationship as well, or just with a job?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Most areas. Just a common theme. He freaks out if something doesn't go his way.... He doesn't do yard work.... Financially a mess... But he is very clean and well kept. He's a neat freak for the most part. But he likes to spend money and has a sense of entitlement. We did therapy...and the therapist told me I was enabling and suggested we separate. That didn't happen because we have kids and I couldn't break their hearts. But maybe that needs to happen. 





Jamison said:


> Does your husband act like a man-child in other areas of the relationship as well, or just with a job?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I'm sorry you are also going through this but I do see the lesson in your story! You are right... Absolutely. I'm glad your husband got a clue! But it sounds like it was a long road... Hang in there. I hope you can help me be strong... As you have been!





DanglingDaisy said:


> WE MUST BE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN!!:rofl:
> 
> My partner will often forget to set the alarm for work...I *know* it's because deep down he hates working and always has  I've spent most of our 14yrs together with him working just long enough to be able to collect employment insurance-year after year. That is until he got a really good paying job a couple years ago.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Been there, done that.
He has dopamine depression. Get him a prescription for bupropion.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Most areas. Just a common theme. He freaks out if something doesn't go his way.... He doesn't do yard work.... Financially a mess... But he is very clean and well kept. He's a neat freak for the most part. But he likes to spend money and has a sense of entitlement. We did therapy...and the therapist told me I was enabling and suggested we separate. That didn't happen because we have kids and I couldn't break their hearts. But maybe that needs to happen.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm sure thats hard to live with. However, I kinda of disagree with what your therapist says about separating because of the enabling, unless that is truly where you are in the relationship right now. 

Even though you might be enabling, with the right therapist you could learn ways to not do that, and try different things. Of course it would help if your husband would meet you half way and do his part as well. 

As far as your kids go, do NOT stay in a marriage because you are afraid of hurting them. Separation/divorce hurts all involved, however, so does staying in a unhappy and unhealthy marriage where the kids see and are learning how a relationship is supposed to be. Sometimes wanting better for your kids means removing yourself and them from toxic situations. 

Bottom line, if you and him both are willing to put some effort/work into saving it then fine, if you are no longer into trying to save it, there is no reason for you to be there.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

I COMPLETELY agree with Jamison on this one.

Even though the "job" issue was rectified after many years...alas there are other man-child issues that are still creeping up:nono:

Sweety-I'm at a point where my partner's man-childness has gone a notch worse than I ever expected. My partner has a real issue with anger management(or tantrums as I used to call it). 

Just when I think we're getting ahead with dealing with his issues...it seems that he's gotten WAY WORSE in ways that are now affecting my self esteem,sense of security and trust in anything he says or does.

I've learned that my partner has been flirting with women behind my back for years(only by working in the same building)...that was painful to find out-even more so to have women treat me like competition

My desire to get into the trades-my partner "claims" he supports me in my dream,but then decides to use me as leverage to get his internet business going yet again

He's bad mouthed me to his family,friends,coworkers etc...where ever he can get "support". I decided after last summer to "out" his bad behavior and treatment of me to a couple of coworkers...it took almost a YEAR for those people to out what I said,but reality is he got a taste of HIS OWN MEDICINE and he didn't like it AT ALL. Hmmmm, funny how it's ok for him to do it but not me...

Since he almost punched me in the face last summer, I've had issues with trusting him. At times I would have panic attacks-wondering if he would have a meltdown and beat the crap outta me...

Last thursday he called me Jezebel-screamed at me,told me I was a good for nothing biotch who cares about no one but herself  This was because I responded back to my soon to be brother in law who told me I "didn't know what family was"...the bil is the same guy who's been using my sister for the last 15yrs-he sits on his ass all day playing video games and treats my sister NO DIFFERENT than my partner treats me. My partner was in fact feeling sorry for my bil to be-CAUSE HE'S JUST LIKE HIM IN SO MANY WAYS.

I find the fact that my partner only settles down from his raving rants and threatening posture-when I respond the same way he's being. It fck'n disturbs me that if I don't,he gets even MORE aggressive.

I can't soften the blows for my partner any more. He's a BIG BOY and needs to handle his issues HIMSELF. 

I am at my wits end here...my partner ignores me when I try to bring the issues to light. He has said(I just never believed he really thought it to be true!) that life is like playing chess,it's also about manipulating to get what you want-and obviously the fact that I'm not wanting to PLAY this game with him in the way that BENEFITS HIM,that he's hoping aggression and insults will change all that.

All it's done is make me give up on being there for him in ANY WAY. I have our three kids to consider-and while it's hard to think about moving on without him...I can't take the head games and bull**** any more. I deserve MUCH BETTER-and so do our kids.

The part I'm stuck with...is deciding HOW to get out. I don't know where to start. We're common law(here these relationships are viewed just like marriage in a lot of ways),but with the anger management issues there, I'm afraid of physical assault if I tell him I'm leaving with the kids.


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

step one: Go to a credit union and tell them you want to open a savings account. Tell them explicitly that you want no one else, especially your husband, to have access, and you do not want any statements sent to your house. Request paper statements be sent to your parents or relative's address. 

I was quite clear about why I wanted a secret account, and the bank rep allowed me to open an account using my maiden name. This was about six or seven years ago, and I believe they have tightened the rules. (Do you have the same last name under common law?)

You must establish funds. You're going to need to Get Out. You may even need to sneak out. I know someone who did this. She left (for the Greyhound Station no less) with one suitcase in hand packing some clothes and an alarm clock. 

Before taking action, try to make some inital decisions about the kids. Do you want to go for full custody? Are they safe with him while you establish a residence?

Start looking in the paper at rental apartments so you get a feel for what is out there and how much it costs.

What is it with the new generation of men (and women too I'm sure; I just don't know the details as I am not in relationships with them! So men readers, please don't be offended.) I hear the same story over anbd over. Some--many?--men seem to be unwilling to grow up. The thought of my father sitting at home all day playing video games instead of working or looking for work, or sitting on unemployment waiting for the next extension and again, playing video games all day is hilarious! Never, never would have happened.

To be fair, I never cease to be shocked at the number of women who have apparently convinced their husbands that they need to stay home and tend to children (legitimate), or they are too "ill" with some devastating but undiagnosable ailment to work, or they need to "take care of the house," or watch the clouds go by. So I guess there are a large share of women-children/parasites out there too.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> So my dh started a new job yesterday. He was complaining the whole day about it. He's been unemployed for 3 months. He is now unhappy about this job. It's just freelance. We NEED the money. So on day 2 ... He didn't leave the house until the time he was supposed to be at work. Then after leaving the house he calls me... Swearing up and down that he forgot the keys to his work vehicle and his sunglasses. So he asks me to meet him. I do it so he doesn't get fired. Then he proceeds to send me to a location I'm completely unfamiliar with (iPhone gps not working) and gets ticked at ME because I don't know where he's at! I'm driving all over Gods green earth trying to help and he's sending me on a wild goose chase. So he's going to 50 minutes late to work on day TWO of work. And no he didn't do it on purpose... He's just that LATE.
> 
> I'm so frustrated. I feel like he is just bringing me down! We've been together for 15 years. I've let him ride my coat tails. Now I just don't know what to do!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said it right. "Manchild.'


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Suzyque said:


> What is it with the new generation of men (and women too I'm sure; I just don't know the details as I am not in relationships with them! So men readers, please don't be offended.) I hear the same story over anbd over. Some--many?--men seem to be unwilling to grow up. The thought of my father sitting at home all day playing video games instead of working or looking for work, or sitting on unemployment waiting for the next extension and again, playing video games all day is hilarious! Never, never would have happened.


John Cheese explained this in an article on cracked.com
Simply put, the previous generation of parents screwed up big time. They said the following:
-you are a unique snowflake
-look for things you are naturally good at; you shouldn't need to practice anything
-burger flipping is below you; only kids do that
-manual work is below you; only idiots need to use their hands
-you must have an education otherwise you are a loser

Society is shocked that kids were actually listening that whole time. Husband loses his job as a scientist then says:
"I don't want an assembly line job that anybody could do. I'm a unique snowflake"
"I can't work as a _____. I don't know how."
"I refuse to work at McDonalds. That's below me."
"I don't want to work outside. That's for stupid people."
"I should get a job that uses my education instead of one that is slightly difficult but pays 3x as much."


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Boy is this post dead on -- my husband has a sense of entitlement. He just doesn't understand why it's necessary that he start searching for ANYTHING to pay the bills. However, he suggested that "I" begin writing soft porn books...on amazon to pay the bills. He is ALL about that -- but he turned down a part time job in his field...becuase...Well ..it's PART time. It's like...WOW! I guess there is a major double standard. I'm a christian woman..and this is just blowing my top!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Boy is this post dead on -- my husband has a sense of entitlement. He just doesn't understand why it's necessary that he start searching for ANYTHING to pay the bills. However, he suggested that "I" begin writing soft porn books...on amazon to pay the bills. He is ALL about that -- but he turned down a part time job in his field...becuase...Well ..it's PART time. It's like...WOW! I guess there is a major double standard. I'm a christian woman..and this is just blowing my top!


He just doesn't want to do the work, in anything! Not with the bills and sounds like doesn't want to put forth any effort or work in the relationship. You're doing all the work so why should he try?

Everything you are already doing you could continue to do by yourself alone, it sounds like you are living alone in your relationship. 

Also, sometimes people will not put forth an effort if they feel they have nothing to lose. If there are no consequences for his actions why should he even try? Do you think if you up and left if would make a difference or do you think he wouldn't even care?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well, I think/know he would be DEVESTATED if I left him. THerapist said we are co-dependant. He is always texting...calling...smothering me...so I am his whole world. He just "acts out"...I can't really explain it -- except to reiterate his behavior. It's just tough! 

I don't know what to do... I agree that you shouldn't make a child miserable by staying in a bad marriage...but, I don't have a good barometer as to "how bad" it really is...

Does this sound as awful as I think it does?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I don't know what to do... I agree that you shouldn't make a child miserable by staying in a bad marriage...but, I don't have a good barometer as to "how bad" it really is...
> 
> Does this sound as awful as I think it does?


Yes. Kids look to their dad to see what a normal adult man is like. If he's abusive, they'll think that's normal. If he's unemployed all the time, they'll think that's normal too. Boys grow up to be unemployed and girls grow up to marry men who are always unemployed.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Yes -- I see what you mean. However, I should point out that my DH isn't habitually unemployed. He is right NOW -- but I am hopeful that won't last. 

What worries me most is that he puts his foot in his mouth so often...I hardly ever point it out...but it's just hard because I don't want my son to mimic that behavior. As you read above, my DH is down right rude at times...even if he doesn't mean to be. I think THAT is the key -- he doesn't even realize it. So chastizing him --isn't something I would do -- because I'm not that kind of wife/person. But, I often feel like I need to pull my son aside and tell him..."don't listen to daddy". 

Also -- I feel a bit sheltered in this area....do husbands/fathers normally tease kids by telling them things that aren't true all the time - just to provoke them? It makes my son so mad..

For example....DH: No -- we aren't going to go to that soccer game I promised you.. Son. REally? DH: Nope. We are staying home. Son. starts to cry...why Daddy? DH: because I don't feel like it... Son: But you promised...THEN I have to jump in and say ...STOP THAT -- sweetie ..don't listen to your father. 

See what I'm saying? That happens at least once a day... my son has gotten into the habit of looking at me all the time and saying..."is daddy being crazy again?"



ShawnD said:


> Yes. Kids look to their dad to see what a normal adult man is like. If he's abusive, they'll think that's normal. If he's unemployed all the time, they'll think that's normal too. Boys grow up to be unemployed and girls grow up to marry men who are always unemployed.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

He'll learn to never trust anything his dad says. That might not be too important now, but there will eventually be a time when dad has something really important to say, and it will fall on deaf ears.
I think the rule of thumb is that the first 7 years are the most important for that. If there is a total lack of trust for those first 7 years, then it's all over. There's an old Jesuit saying:
"Give me a child for for his first seven years and I'll give you the man"


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

So, for example -- how do I deal with this? Whether we are married (or divorced)...it's not fun for my son and I'm trying to figure out how to help him. 

I've asked my DH to stop this kind of thing and he just tells me that he's just joking around...and that I don't understand his humor. 

Is THAT humor?




ShawnD said:


> He'll learn to never trust anything his dad says. That might not be too important now, but there will eventually be a time when dad has something really important to say, and it will fall on deaf ears.
> I think the rule of thumb is that the first 7 years are the most important for that. If there is a total lack of trust for those first 7 years, then it's all over. There's an old Jesuit saying:
> "Give me a child for for his first seven years and I'll give you the man"


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I've asked my DH to stop this kind of thing and he just tells me that he's just joking around...and that I don't understand his humor.


I don't want to judge, but he sounds like a douche. Thinking it's funny to make other people sad or angry is the type of thing a psycho would do.

Call him while he's at work or something and be completely hysterical and crying because your son was just hit by a car and blood is coming out of his ears. Let that sink in for a minute. "I was just joking. I can't believe you fall for that every time!" then hang up before he can say anything.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You know...it's crazy, but he does that kind of stuff to ME too. He will call and say "I just wanted to call and let you know son fell and hurt his leg...." 

Me: IS HE OK?

Him...Yes...he's fine. Just a scratch. 

He does that type of stuff..and gives me a heart attack.

The OTHER thing he will do... that's along the same lines...is he will call and chat when I'm busy. I'll say...gosh, I'm swamped...can I call you back in a bit? He will go on and on about something...and then as I'm responding...he will scream "OH OH! Sorry GOTTA GO!" and get off the phone abruptly.

I've mentioned it to him before and told him that it's not polite...but he will just say "well I had to help son with his truck or ...son was calling me.". It probably sounds really bizarre...to an outsider. But, I am always struck by how rude it is...when it actually happens. 

His lack of manners came into play a few weeks ago. I had gone way out on a limb to book special brunch reservations for my Mom's b-day. It was a place we hadn't been before. My DH didn't know where it was... well -- we were going to Mass first. Hubby got the Mass time wrong and we all had to go back home. Instead of going straight to brunch as I requested -- he threw a fit -- started speeding the car to the house. He went inside and slammed the bedroom door and just started screaming that he was a failure and began playing some video game. My mom and son were still in the car! He totally freaked out. We had a huge fight...then he later cooled off and apologized. But that kind of stuff is VERY damaging to me. 



ShawnD said:


> I don't want to judge, but he sounds like a douche. Thinking it's funny to make other people sad or angry is the type of thing a psycho would do.
> 
> Call him while he's at work or something and be completely hysterical and crying because your son was just hit by a car and blood is coming out of his ears. Let that sink in for a minute. "I was just joking. I can't believe you fall for that every time!" then hang up before he can say anything.


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

Um, I think ShawnD might be on to something. He sounds off his rocker.

If a man acted that way to or with my mother, he'd be an ex faster than he could have slammed that door.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Really? I was definitely upset and we had a huge fight...I even told my parents that I was DONE ...when that happened. But, then he apologized and my Mom told me I needed to forgive him...so I did ..and we moved on. It's very child-like behavior. But, I guess I wonder what it will take to push me over the ledge...




Suzyque said:


> Um, I think ShawnD might be on to something. He sounds off his rocker.
> 
> If a man acted that way to or with my mother, he'd be an ex faster than he could have slammed that door.


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

Well, I'm glad your mom wasn't too upset, and at least she has forgiven him. But I bet he put a damper on her birthiday.

Do you think he might feel empowered by the ability to "ruin" your day/plans/mood? He seems to be into sabotaging, with your boss, your family, and even your sense of normalcy (calling with stories about your son being injured--his "sense of humor" ).

There are people out there who get an ego boost by upsetting others, rocking the boat, and causing disturbances. It's like a child stomping his/her foot screaming "I'm HERE! NOTICE ME!!"


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Boy, I know it sounds like he does this to sabotage...but through co-therapy...I really think he's just clueless. I don't think he's doing anything on purpose - he's just been his quirky self. 

I think the meltdown with my Mom ...was a temper tantrum...FOR SURE ...but the other stuff - is just him! 

He's a very good looking man..but he's socially awkward. I got married ...knowing this and overlooking much of it...because I didn't want to be alone. I have lived with a lot - trying to be a good wife all these years. 

The thing is...he has gotten better in some areas. He's not as rude as he used to be..(unconsciously)... but he still has a long way to go before I can feel comfortable seeing him as an equal at public functions. He tends to say things that he thinks are "funnY" but they tend to be hurtful. 

For the longest time ..he would tell me that some clothes didn't flatter me. "Those jeans make you look fat" ...would be something that would regularly fly out of his mouth....until therapy. He at least learned not to say THAT again.

He isn't a bad person at the core...but there are a lot of things that hurt... to be honest. 





Suzyque said:


> Well, I'm glad your mom wasn't too upset, and at least she has forgiven him. But I bet he put a damper on her birthiday.
> 
> Do you think he might feel empowered by the ability to "ruin" your day/plans/mood? He seems to be into sabotaging, with your boss, your family, and even your sense of normalcy (calling with stories about your son being injured--his "sense of humor" ).
> 
> There are people out there who get an ego boost by upsetting others, rocking the boat, and causing disturbances. It's like a child stomping his/her foot screaming "I'm HERE! NOTICE ME!!"


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

While reading your post, I had a sudden flashback and heard the opening of Bob Marley's song "Concrete Jungle": "You're too rude!"

Really, those jeans make you look fat??? He would have to be some sort of anti social hermit to not be aware of how hurtful and psychologically destablizing it is to make a comment about being fat is to a woman, not to mention his own SO. Speaking of SO, I'm thinking SOB.

I actually know someone with some similarities (I don't know if I just scared you or reassured you!). Does your husband dislike people in general? I don't mean actively hate them, but does he show any signs of a misanthrope (I probably spelled that wrong)? Does he have a lot of criticism for society? Or is he simply blase and lacks an internal filter, spouting out whatever first comes to mind, like a child stomping his foot?

I still can't help but thinking he dervives some sort of power trip from his behavior, even if it is subconscious. When speaking with an aquaintance of mine, if I don't get what he is saying, his tone and demeaner take on a laughing, condescending, irritated manner that I cannot stand. It is as if he is trying to tell me I am stupid for not getting it. Does he have that kind of arrogance?

I completely understand marrying and staying with someone because you don't want to be alone. I got married, late but still young enough to have made a better choice, to someone because I was ready to not be alone, to have help with life. Sometimes you take what is offered, for better or worse.

He doesn't sound like a BAD person, but he does seem to have a mean streak a mile wide--even if it is in his subconscious.


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