# I've treated my wife badly



## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

Hi all. I been lurking around on here for some time, so I think I get the jist of how this works. Many people on here will probably find the things Ive done really bad and I deserve what im getting, but I just want to see what, if any kind of chance I have to get my wife back.

We been together over 16 yrs and have a 12 year old. let me start by saying I have an extreme jealousy when it comes to my wife. She has said she is done with me, that there is no chance of her ever loving me again. 

I guess the last straw for her was about 5 months ago, she went out after work with co-workers. I don't know what comes over me, I get so mad and say terrible things to her. when she got home, at 7:00, I laid into her. I called her a ***** and the c word. From that point on, she has not responded to my apologies, she won't tell me she loves me any more...for 5 months! I do this everytime she goes out, which is rare. She won't let me touch her.

She said too much has been done and said, that she is done with this treatment. In the past, I have been able to win her back, it's never taken this long and I think I've lost her for good. She wants me out of the house, but she's not pushing it so much cause I think she knows that it's going to be hard on her financially. 

Should I give it up and move out? 

Thanks for helping a total jerk out.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Instead of words... what are the actions you have taken to show her you have changed this negative part of yourself ?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

From what you're describing its going to be really tough. Once they are fed up they are pretty much done for the most part. The only thing you can do is start doing things to show her you've changed. Of course to do that you have to change first. Have you tried counseling for your anger? You say she rarely goes out, why does it upset you so much?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You haven't said if you're doing anything to change your behavior. If you were your wife, would you stick around for more of the same?


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

All these months ive been doing all the cooking, cus I know she hates it. Been helping her around the house. I make the guys go home so I can come in and be with her. 

She said its too late, that for years she has been asking to spend time with me and I ignore her. I will admit to it. I get cought up in my projects and usually am out having beers in the garage with the guys, but I'm always home...just outdoors.

I love her and im terrified of losing her. 
its true, in the past I always said im going to change, but I don't, or maybe only a short while. My wife is extremely good looking which to be honest with you I hate. We can never go anywhere without people gawking. So when she goes out with out me, I freak out. take it out on her. she is kinda shy, so she don't do too much without me. 

Now, since all this has gone down, she has been going out more. about once every 2 wks, and I am going crazy, yet I say nothing cus I don't want her more mad. Shes going to find someone else, I know it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others... What have you done to demonstrate to your wife that you're serious about making sure this doesn't happen again? She's still in the house, so you have a better chance than many whose wives have had enough.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

losther said:


> All these months ive been doing all the cooking, cus I know she hates it. Been helping her around the house. I make the guys go home so I can come in and be with her.
> 
> She said its too late, that for years she has been asking to spend time with me and I ignore her. I will admit to it. I get cought up in my projects and usually am out having beers in the garage with the guys, but I'm always home...just outdoors.
> 
> ...


That is nice you have picked up some slack but that doesn't say anything about your behavioral problem that is the root of her unhappiness. Do not stop what you are doing now but you also need to get IC to show her you are serious about changing this negative part of yourself and you are trying to deal with making sure it does not happen again.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, it sounds as though you don't really like spending time with her it's just that you don't want her spending time with anyone else.

You're coming across as a man who regards his wife as a possession.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

losther said:


> All these months ive been doing all the cooking, cus I know she hates it. Been helping her around the house. I make the guys go home so I can come in and be with her.
> 
> She said its too late, that for years she has been asking to spend time with me and I ignore her. I will admit to it. I get cought up in my projects and usually am out having beers in the garage with the guys, but I'm always home...just outdoors.
> 
> ...


The Bolded part. She knows this. She knows that inside of you, nothing has changed. If she lets her guard down, you will react openly because your inner thoughts, fears, reactions have not changed at all. She knows this.

My ex had a temper problem. Eventually he went in for anger management counseling, said he was sorry, said he understood, and proclaimed that he was finally able to control his temper. But that wasn't true. I could see it. I could still feel it. It was just under the surface and I never trusted it. I was right.

Your wife knows you. She feels your anger, whether you show it or not. She may not ever let her guard down again. The change in you has to come from deep within you and if you are truly changed, she will know that too. But not now. She only knows that you are attempting to control it (for now). And that's not enough.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

Yes, that's is what she said she feels like. That the only time I care about her is when shes not here. Its not true. I love her more than anything, its just she is so laid back and never really nagged about it, unless we were in a fight, then she tells me all I done wrong.

I have been to counseling for anger management. we thought it helped. I have done a lot of other bad things to her. I hate myself for it, but then I just do it or something else again.

Our relationship has been on the rocks for a few yrs now, its just that last time I calld her those names, shes done. ive done worse things than that, and shes forgiven me...why not now?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

losther said:


> Yes, that's is what she said she feels like. That the only time I care about her is when shes not here. Its not true. I love her more than anything, its just she is so laid back and never really nagged about it, unless we were in a fight, then she tells me all I done wrong.
> 
> I have been to counseling for anger management. we thought it helped. I have done a lot of other bad things to her. I hate myself for it, but then I just do it or something else again.
> 
> Our relationship has been on the rocks for a few yrs now, its just that last time I calld her those names, shes done. ive done worse things than that, and shes forgiven me...*why not now?*


Simple. She's reached her limit. There won't be a "next time". You've done worse than that. You have hated yourself. And yet, you did it again. And you ask why she won't forgive you this time, just like the last time, and the time before that? How can you say your sorry for the previous events and still repeat them? She knows the pattern and is trying to break it.

You need to leave her be and fix yourself for your sake. Since you seem to be incapable of breaking the pattern, she seems to have taken it upon herself to do so, and you don't like her method.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

losther said:


> Yes, that's is what she said she feels like. That the only time I care about her is when shes not here. Its not true. I love her more than anything, its just she is so laid back and never really nagged about it, unless we were in a fight, then she tells me all I done wrong.
> 
> I have been to counseling for anger management. we thought it helped. I have done a lot of other bad things to her. I hate myself for it, but then I just do it or something else again.
> 
> Our relationship has been on the rocks for a few yrs now, its just that last time I calld her those names, shes done. ive done worse things than that, and shes forgiven me...why not now?


Straw that broke the camel's back, dude. Sounds like you used up all your chances. You can look up "walk away wives", see if something gives you some ideas. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

It sounds like the kindest, most loving thing you can do for your wife is to let her go peacefully.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Going out with a guy co worker? That's rather inappropriate and disrespectful IMO.

What others have said is true. Work on yourself. You def overreacted but I don't think that was too bad. Not sure how old you are but that would be no different than what I used to do in the late teens/20s. 

The difference is, my wife actually listened to me and noticed that her ACTIONS were not cool and would've NEVER put up with me doing the same. Now days I take more calm action and talk it out and do my best keeping anger aside. I suggest you do the same.

I have never made a smart/decent decision while in anger. That alone should force you to not get angry (and when you do, it's ok, just walk away and come back to the table at a later time....when you are calm).

You are being WAY too hard on yourself for lashing out like that. If you already apologized for that and it seems like you are doing plenty to make sure relationship stays afloat.......the problem is HER now (it seems).

I think your wife checked out LONG AGO and probably already has/HAD some kind of relationship outside of marriage (chances are high).....even when that night happened.

I would ask her if that's true, and if it is she should at least have enough respect for you to file divorce prior to getting involved with others.

She either wants to be in a marriage or not, current situation is NOT a marriage and she is distant/dis attached etc. I doubt you will accept this for much longer, no?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why not now? Seriously? Because you don't give a rat about her. It's all about you, you, you.

Please don't say you love her more than anything. If you loved her, you would stop doing bad things to her. You're lucky she's stuck around this long. She must be a slow learner.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> My ex had a temper problem. Eventually he went in for anger management counseling, said he was sorry, said he understood, and proclaimed that he was finally able to control his temper. But that wasn't true. I could see it. I could still feel it. It was just under the surface and I never trusted it. I was right.


You are rather harsh if above is true.

man can adjust/lose and work on their temper. But if partner is not optimistic about it, that doesn't help.

IN ACTIONS, has it continued? Did it happen less/taper off.....gotten worse?

I've dealt with this on my end, and although I'm still not perfect......myself in the teens/early 20s and today (10+ years later) is NIGHT AND DAY.

It requires support from SO, discipline and most importantly TIME.

You simply have to believe in him.

My wife did and ended up with a better husband. And trust me when I tell you, it was WORSE than just temper......lashing out......

Although one should ALWAYS assume that people don't change, recognize the fact that SOME people do change. Just give them a chance and time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Why not now? Seriously? Because you don't give a rat about her. It's all about you, you, you.
> 
> Please don't say you love her more than anything. If you loved her, you would stop doing bad things to her. You're lucky she's stuck around this long. She must be a slow learner.


That's harsh.

As if you never screamed/lashed out at your husband?

I think we all deal with this sort of thing. There is no way in hell I will ever believe that there is people out there that are perfect.

We ALL have our moments and mistreat our loved ones AT TIMES. Of course, hopefully it happens rarely.

When it gets to extreme (daily, weekly even monthly.....on regular basis), that's a totally different story.

OP said he did this once. Sorry but no big deal......it happens. I'm SURE his wife mistreated him more than that past few years.

HECK with her actions, she mistreated him DEEPLY. Going out with another male is very disrespectful and inappropriate IMO.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DoF said:


> Going out with a guy co worker? That's rather inappropriate and disrespectful IMO.
> 
> What others have said is true. Work on yourself. You def overreacted but I don't think that was too bad. Not sure how old you are but that would be no different than what I used to do in the late teens/20s.
> 
> ...


Are you responding to another thread? No mention of a 'guy coworker'. Where are you getting the ammo for all these ridiculous assumptions? The OP has admitted he's treated his wife like garbage for years. 

And, if you were in the habit of calling your wife the 'c' word then you are as big of an ass as the OP.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

losther said:


> Yes, that's is what she said she feels like. That the only time I care about her is when shes not here. Its not true. I love her more than anything, its just she is so laid back and never really nagged about it, unless we were in a fight, then she tells me all I done wrong.
> 
> I have been to counseling for anger management. we thought it helped. I have done a lot of other bad things to her. I hate myself for it, but then I just do it or something else again.
> 
> Our relationship has been on the rocks for a few yrs now, its just that last time I calld her those names, shes done. *ive done worse things than that*, and shes forgiven me...why not now?


I think we need to know what worse things you did in order to offer the most appropriate advice. Otherwise some of us are just giving you false hope if its as bad as you are insinuating. 

Was there physical abuse or cheating on your part? Honestly speaking when you said you've done worse things the first thing that popped into my mind was, What could be worse? I hope you're not offended by me asking this.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Are you responding to another thread? No mention of a 'guy coworker'. Where are you getting the ammo for all these ridiculous assumptions? The OP has admitted he's treated his wife like garbage for years.


I assumed guy part (my bad). 

Where do you see "treating her bad for years" part though?

He did say that he didn't spend enough time with her over the years......WHICH is probably where her resentment is at.....and it could be too late to fix that.

Everything else after is just a result of above......I have a feeling.



Blondilocks said:


> And, if you were in the habit of calling your wife the 'c' word then you are as big of an ass as the OP.


Habit? no

Have I done it many moons ago, sure. Am I a big ass for it, sure. I'm not saying it was ok to do so.

I'm just saying nobody is perfect.....and that includes you as well.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She reached a tipping point. There was so much that she could take cumulatively and then her cup is filled. She forgave you but did not forget. Forgetting is not part of forgiveness. 

Are you up for real change because you want to be a better person or simply because you want to get her to stay? If it is the former then pull out all of the stops now. Get professional help. It wil take a lot of work that may last for a yr or more. You need to developed the skills to cope with your anger and anxiety. 

Women usually hang on and try for many years and then reach a point where they are really done. When she finally gives up, it is too late. Your wife has tried for many years with you and you may have lost her already. 

The only thing you can do now is to begin the hard work to become the kind of man you need to be. That may be a willingness to respect her choice and let her go. Give up your attempts to control her and transfer it to controlling yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> Although one should ALWAYS assume that people don't change, recognize the fact that SOME people do change. Just give them a chance and time.


Yes some people do change, that however does not mean their spouses are obligated to wait around for it to occur. Everyone has their own level of tolerance.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

losther said:


> Our relationship has been on the rocks for a few yrs now, its just that last time I calld her those names, shes done. ive done worse things than that, and shes forgiven me...why not now?


Because you have made it clear that you have no intention of ever changing your absolutely horrible behavior. All you are willing to do is sugar coat it right as she is walking out the door.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> She reached a tipping point. There was so much that she could take cumulatively and then her cup is filled. She forgave you but did not forget. Forgetting is not part of forgiveness.
> 
> Are you up for real change because you want to be a better person or simply because you want to get her to stay? If it is the former then pull out all of the stops now. Get professional help. It wil take a lot of work that may last for a yr or more. You need to developed the skills to cope with your anger and anxiety.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

The way OP treated her that day is NOT the cause of this all. Again, under assumption that this kind of treatment wasn't consistent.

The issue is, time involvement/importance/priority when it comes to family.

If this has gone on for YEARS, it will be VERY hard to fix (but keep trying OP).

Forget about your buddies, I would schedule family events/date nights with her etc up the wazoo right now. 

Make her/family the priority in your life (like they should be).


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Yes some people do change, that however does not mean their spouses are obligated to wait around for it to occur. Everyone has their own level of tolerance.


no doubt, 100% agree


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Do you lash out at your child like this? That, for me, would have been a deal breaker the second time it happened (maybe the first, depending on how bad it was.)

You knew your behavior was a problem, but you were always able to work a "go around" and get your wife to forgive you. Sounds to me like she's wised up and given up on putting herself last in the marriage. 

The only hope I see is to stop with the talking and start doing, like everyone has said. And I'm not talking about chores and cooking. Find yourself an therapist, start therapy, and stay in it no matter what the outcome of the next step. Then sit down with your wife, tell her you are in therapy and ask her what it would take for her to stay in the marriage. And then don't argue--either do exactly what she says and thank your lucky stars that she's even willing to entertain trying to make this work, or let her go.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"She said its too late, that for years she has been asking to spend time with me and I ignore her. I will admit to it."

That's where I got my statement. No *assumption* on my part.

Never claimed to be perfect, but now that you mention it, my husband thought I was. And, he never once in 45 years called me an ugly name or yelled at me. Yes, he was a saint.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DoF said:


> :iagree:
> 
> The way OP treated her that day is NOT the cause of this all. Again, under assumption that this kind of treatment wasn't consistent.


Why would you assume that? It seems from his post that the opposite is true.



> The issue is, time involvement/importance/priority when it comes to family.


So WHAT? 



> If this has gone on for YEARS, it will be VERY hard to fix (but keep trying OP).
> 
> Forget about your buddies, I would schedule family events/date nights with her etc up the wazoo right now.
> 
> Make her/family the priority in your life (like they should be).



Or go back a few years and do that. Sounds like she is done. I would be too. 

OP get yourself into counseling and figure out how to plan a well lived life rather than winging it and putting out fires as they come up.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

When you have a plan and begin your work let her know. Put it in terms of what you need to do for your recovery and not what you are doing for her. The distinction is important. The first one indicates that you take full responsibility for your problems. 

You don't blame her for provoking bad behavior no matter what you feel she has done. There are adaptive ways to settle marital conflicts and you did not employ them. She is not perfect it is true but did she do anything that was beyond what the average couples deal with? Did she treat you the way you treated her? 

You have to consider these things so that you approach you problems in a balanced way. Ask yourself if her imperfections should have invited your treatment of her. Talk with her when you have comand of yourself. Plan out what you want to say and why. You want to let her know you regrete what you did and realize the nature of your problem. 

Tell her in detail the things you did that you regret. Be honest about how you feel now. Ask her to give you a finite period of time to change. Don't promise instant change. Show her that you are willing to take time and effort. Ask if she is willing to give you time. 

She is not gone yet so there is hope. But you have wasted 5 months. Get you ass in gear and get a plan and execute. Don't grovel or beg. Stand up like a man and be in comand of yourself. 

Remember you are trying to restore her confidence and trust that you can handle yourself and deal with the normal conflicts of married life. She is not looking for perfection just normality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

DoF said:


> I assumed guy part (my bad).
> 
> Where do you see "treating her bad for years" part though?
> 
> ...





> I have been to counseling for anger management. we thought it helped. *I have done a lot of other bad things to her. I hate myself for it, but then I just do it or something else again.*
> 
> Our relationship has been on the rocks for a few yrs now, its just that last time I calld her those names, shes done.* ive done worse things than that, and shes forgiven me...why not now? *


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You haven't told us what she was doing that night 'out with her friends' that set you off and called her all those names.

Not that anything would justify the name calling, but we need context.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

How many times do you think she is going to forgive you?Most women would not have put up with what she did for six years no less than 16yrs.You say you don't like to go out with her because she is beautiful and men gawk at her.I am sure you are not the only guy that has his wife gawked at when they go out.your mentioned she is shy so you don't have to worry about her being a flirt with every guy.I think she has had it with your behavior and is not in the forgiving mood anymore.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

Dang, I didn't expect all these replies so thank you. I know Ive been a jerk, its just when we're going through it, things smooth over, and I just revert. 

There was no reson for me to of called her those names, I just coped an attitude with her when she came in the door cos I thought she would be home earlier. She works in a small lab with two other women and sometimes they hit a bar that's down the rd. They never stay all that long, but I just get angry when shes out. I don't want her going out, so I make it so she don't want to...I guess.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> You haven't told us what she was doing that night 'out with her friends' that set you off and called her all those names.


She came home at 7:00. That's only like two hours out with co-workers (I'm assuming the OP meant 7 pm, not 7 am the next day). That's hardly a drunken, orgy-filled night of adultery!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

losther,

You said you went to anger management therapy. Have you asked your wife that you two go to couples counseling? I think that would be more beneficial for you both at this point, whether you plan to split up or not. At least it will get you communicating again.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

I know its stupid, she was only out for like an hr or a little more. Its like I have to keep control of her or I will lose her. I got a dam recorder in her car for petes sake. I have been going through counseling for the last month, she told me to, so I am.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why don't you want your wife to socialize without you? You don't seem want to socialize with her. You'd rather hang out in the garage with your buds drinking beer.

Your wife has the same right as you to a little camaraderie with same sex friends. Trust me, after 16 years of your sh*t she ain't looking to hook up with some man.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

losther said:


> I know its stupid, she was only out for like an hr or a little more. Its like I have to keep control of her or I will lose her. I got a dam recorder in her car for petes sake. I have been going through counseling for the last month, she told me to, so I am.


sounds like you have some serious self esteem issues and you try to control your wife rather than try to keep her because of the merits of you. 

in other words, your not good enough for her. 


if i were you, i would work on my self esteem.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

to my defense, I spoil the crap out of her. she gets anything she wants. she is an artist, so I built her a building for her art stuff. bought the equipment for it...thouands of dollars. 

back when she used to let me touch her, I would rub her feet sometimes. I bring flowers often. 

Does any of that help me show her? We have been together a long time. Its not lik this is daily behavior. we can go without any problems for a couple of yrs, but she has always told me she hates my jealousy. I have embarrassed her many times.

If everyone on here is mad about the treatment that I have mentioned so far, I might as well just givit up now. There probably is no going back and getting her again. Until counseling, I hve not admitted to myelf that I as to blame for what happened almost 2 yrs ago. I don't know how to even explain, beause riting it down, I look like a ass...because of me she almost lost her life, worse I blamed her for what happened when I should of been helping her through it. She is also in counseling.

I have mentioned going to counseling together, she don't want anything to do with that, she said she is trying to learn how to get on with her life.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

losther said:


> I know its stupid, she was only out for like an hr or a little more. Its like I have to keep control of her or I will lose her.


You tried to keep control over her. And you lost her. I see some serious issues in your posts of extreme selfishness and self centeredness. I think you should let her go, and get IC to see if you can undo the muddle that is YOU. No offense intended. But it is what it is.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

losther said:


> I have mentioned going to counseling together, she don't want anything to do with that, she said she is trying to learn how to get on with her life.


Then tell her that counseling together IS getting on with her life. Even if you two divorce, counseling will help you both deal with that with as little fighting as possible. It also will help you be certain if splitting is really the way to go. If you have children together, it's even more important, because you will have to deal with each other for many years.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

I am selfish, but I didn't know how unhappy she was. she seemed content being a mom, doing mom things. shes always busy with work or her art, that I thought things have gotten better. Maybe we were doing good, but I blew it with what I said. 

She left for 3 days couple yrs ago. Her and our girl when to another state to one of her relatives. I thought I would go nuts. I was so happy to see them when they came home, So a for over a yr I did anything she asked of me, and it was going ok, and I wrecked the whole thing in a sentence. those 3 days she was gone, I felt like I could of died. I cant imagine her out of my life.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

What did you expect? You cant just treat someone like garbage for years and expect them to stick around forever.

The problem is you have taken your wife for granted! 

When a woman is done, she is done! Doesnt matter what you say or do


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

losther said:


> to my defense, I spoil the crap out of her. she gets anything she wants. she is an artist, so I built her a building for her art stuff. bought the equipment for it...thouands of dollars.
> 
> back when she used to let me touch her, I would rub her feet sometimes. I bring flowers often.
> 
> ...


So what happened 2 years ago?

Abuse is seldom a daily thing. Do a google search on "cycle of abuse" and/or "cycle of violence".

An abusive person uses the abuse as a means to control the other person. It does matter if the abuse is verbal, emotional and/or violence, it's all used for the same thing.. to maintain control. When the abuser feels that they are losing control, they up the level of abuse to put the other person back under their control. It's a tool. 

If abuse is used every minute of every day the abused would run for the hills within a short time. Instead there are periods of good times, with the abuse sprinkled in when needed. This confuses the abused person.... the typical thing they say is that 'he is so loving/sweet most of the time. Then ever few weeks/months/years he does something horrible. The abused get confused and cannot figure out what 'bad enough to leave' means.

It is very likely that you did a lot more that was negative/abuse then you allow yourself to admit. And there are not indirect negative things. For example, every time she wanted to go out with friends in situations that are just normal.. she would have thoughts going through her mind about how angry you get when she goes out. These thoughts put fear in her and control her behavior. So she re-lived your anger and abuse over and over and over... through her fear of what you would do if she did this or that.

Now couple all that with the fact that you had little to no desire to spend time with you for years? This sort of neglect alone is enough to completely kill the bond between the two of you.

Why did you even marry her if you did not want to spend time with her? I don't get that.

Two books for you to read:

"Love Busters" (your behavior/anger/abuse/neglect are all HUGE love busters.

"His Need, Her Needs"

Once you have read those you will have a much better idea of what's going on with her and what you need to do.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

DoF said:


> That's harsh.
> 
> As if you never screamed/lashed out at your husband?
> 
> ...


I've never yelled or screamed at my husband, nor he at me. Have we snapped at each other? Of course, but not very often and we always apologise pretty much straight away.

Neither of us have ever called each other a name, and certainly not the C word. That's a disgusting thing to call your spouse, and there is no excuse for it. You do NOT talk to someone you love that way, no matter how angry you are.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I've never yelled or screamed at my husband, nor he at me. Have we snapped at each other? Of course, but not very often and we always apologise pretty much straight away.
> 
> Neither of us have ever called each other a name, and certainly not the C word. That's a disgusting thing to call your spouse, and there is no excuse for it. You do NOT talk to someone you love that way, no matter how angry you are.


I agree. Even with the many problems in my marriage, we have certainly not come to verbal blows like that. 

There is a line you don't cross ... and once it is crossed, not only can you not take it back ... but you know it is pretty much over.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I agree. Even with the many problems in my marriage, we have certainly not come to verbal blows like that.
> 
> There is a line you don't cross ... and once it is crossed, not only can you not take it back ... but you know it is pretty much over.


Then I greatly admire you and Frusdil, but most of us mere mortals have yelled and called our spouses names at one time or another. 

My wife and I certainly did, especially early in our marriage when we didn't know how to resolve conflicts. But I'm very glad that neither her nor I decided to divorce over it.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My suggestion is that you, by yourself, find a good counselor that will help you to understand why you are doing what you are and help you to stop the poor behavior.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

I don't beat my wife. I hit her one time 13 yr ago, never have put a hand on her since. she sent my ass to jail too. 

I don't know why I haven't spent time with her. I think about her all the time send her tx all day telling her how much I love her. she don't respond anymore. I still call her every morning, and she talks to me, but she wont talk about us.

Ive been trying to be with her, but all she does when shes chilling out is play on that stupid pinterest. she don't even pay attention to me. 

For the most part she is nice to me. she even bought me a pair of shoes a few wks ago. don't that mean she wants to work this out? then I ask if I can take her out, and she says no.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

losther said:


> I don't beat my wife. I hit her one time 13 yr ago, never have put a hand on her since. she sent my ass to jail too.
> 
> I don't know why I haven't spent time with her. I think about her all the time send her tx all day telling her how much I love her. she don't respond anymore. I still call her every morning, and she talks to me, but she wont talk about us.
> 
> ...


Of course she is nice to you. She wants peace in her life and doesn't want to deal with your temper. She will find peace with or without you; that much you can count on. As to whether you can work things out, that's up to you getting proper help for your anger management issues. No woman forgets when the man she loves calls her the C word - for coming home an hour later than expected, especially when her spouse knew where she was and who she was with. She did nothing wrong and she knows this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I still want to know what happened 2 years ago that you've been so vague about.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Rowan said:


> I still want to know what happened 2 years ago that you've been so vague about.


Inquiring minds would like to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

losther said:


> Hi all. I been lurking around on here for some time, so I think I get the jist of how this works. Many people on here will probably find the things Ive done really bad and I deserve what im getting, but I just want to see what, if any kind of chance I have to get my wife back.
> 
> We been together over 16 yrs and have a 12 year old. let me start by saying I have an extreme jealousy when it comes to my wife. She has said she is done with me, that there is no chance of her ever loving me again.
> 
> ...


Just a thought, but look into getting some therapy for yourself. That may go a long way in terms of letting her see that you're serious about making a change.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Then I greatly admire you and Frusdil, but *most of us mere mortals have yelled and called our spouses names* at one time or another.
> 
> My wife and I certainly did, especially early in our marriage when we didn't know how to resolve conflicts. But I'm very glad that neither her nor I decided to divorce over it.


I just can't agree with you. I think the majority of grown people have enough restraint not to scream at ANYONE. And thinking that the majority of people scream vitriol like the "c" word at their spouses is just an excuse to allow for the acceptability of that behavior. You did it. You learned. You forgave each other. That's great. But no, it is not something the majority of us have done.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

To be honest... the therapy should have happened 13 years ago when she was hit. Because if you ONLY refrain from hitting so YOU don't land in jail again... the lesson wasn't learned.

I hope you aren't the kind of guy who threatens suicide to emotionally blackmail her into staying. Your gestures of "love" smack of manipulation to control and if the "nice" ones don't work you escalate until you are on the edge of physical violence. You possess NO RIGHT to control her. She must ALWAYS be allowed free choice to stay, which means you must learn what it means to become the safe person to whom she can choose to entrust herself. 

We ALL cross lines in treatment of those we love, but it's the patterns that determine if maltreatment is pathological and requiring professional intervention... 

What I am hearing is this... "I've treated you bad, but I am so sorry, I won't do it again, it's just when you do xyz, it causes me to treat you that way." And you come here with just enough lingo now to know that pattern exists and are even using it to STILL justify your treatment of her and wonder why your same TACTICS no longer work... what you fail to see, is that she is a human being who at any time in your life ALWAYS possesses license to walk away. You're only response to that is respect, not possession and control. She is not responsible for your fear of abandonment. YOU ARE. This issue will HAVE to be addressed professionally for YOUR sake and whomever chooses a relationship with you. She may not ever come back and coming here to find a new "tactic" that will work as control is the same M.O. that isn't working for you. 

Sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes blunt is the only way to communicate it effectively... All the best to you in discovering what it means to LOVE WELL... not control well... vast difference...


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

Was the incident that happened a couple of years ago some type of breaking point in your relationship? What is it that happened?
What are your feelings about what happened? What are her feelings about what happened? Do you discuss it?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

and something that is important to discern in these situations is this... is her behavior reasonable or unreasonable.. is your behavior reasonable or unreasonable.

1. Reasonable behavior with reasonable reaction = great!
2. Reasonable behavior met with unreasonable reaction = environment for abuses of all kinds in varying degrees
3. Unreasonable behavior met with reasonable reaction such as calm assertive boundary consequences = Great environment for growth as long as the person who had unreasonable behavior is accepting of the reasonable correction.

4. Unreasonable behavior met with unreasonable reactions = TOTAL CHAOS

That #2 is vitally important in your case... if she is reasonable and you consistently meet her with unreasonable expectations and reactions there will be only ONE way you will push her and that is away from you. I love the song by .38 special called "Hold on loosely, but don't let go." It describes this dynamic of not being controlling, but becoming that person she KNOWS she is safe with and can come running to you, but not smothered. It is super important to figure out which camp you are in with bare bones honesty with yourself.

Oh... and in no way is abuse acceptable no matter how "nice" it looks.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

I did go through counseling 13 yrs ago. I am supposed to meet with her counselor sometimes when the wife agrees to it, and then i guess we have a meeting with the 3 of us after that sometime. But she keeps putting off the group meeting and i dont know why. she won't talk to me about what happens in her meetings.

Whenever we discuss the past, it ens up in a huge argument and her in tears. I wish i could go back in time and take it all back. im not sure how to tell what happened. 

I took her to a company dinner with my coworkers. Bunch of us met at a bar later that night. She said she was having a good time and was for it. We had a driver going to meet us at 12 so we didnt drink and drive. i played pool and she sat at the bar. one of my coworkers kept talking to her, i felt my temper, but tried to ignore it, but she kept laughin at what he said and i think she was flirting. I ended yp leaving her there. I friggin drove home, her cell was in the car with me. i got a couple of calls from people there, but i figured she has a way home at 12 right? i was drunka nd passed out at home. didnt heer my phone at 3 in morning. when i did get up, i had messages that she was in hosp, had been assulted that night. god how do i live with myself. Is everyones curiosity good now?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

losther said:


> I did go through counseling 13 yrs ago. I am supposed to meet with her counselor sometimes when the wife agrees to it, and then i guess we have a meeting with the 3 of us after that sometime. But she keeps putting off the group meeting and i dont know why. she won't talk to me about what happens in her meetings.
> 
> Whenever we discuss the past, it ens up in a huge argument and her in tears. I wish i could go back in time and take it all back. im not sure how to tell what happened.
> 
> I took her to a company dinner with my coworkers. Bunch of us met at a bar later that night. She said she was having a good time and was for it. We had a driver going to meet us at 12 so we didnt drink and drive. i played pool and she sat at the bar. one of my coworkers kept talking to her, i felt my temper, but tried to ignore it, but she kept laughin at what he said and i think she was flirting. I ended yp leaving her there. I friggin drove home, her cell was in the car with me. i got a couple of calls from people there, but i figured she has a way home at 12 right? i was drunka nd passed out at home. didnt heer my phone at 3 in morning. when i did get up, i had messages that she was in hosp, had been assulted that night. god how do i live with myself. Is everyones curiosity good now?


Good for you that you entered counseling then... 

It was not ok to leave her... and it sounds like you realize that.... and I recommend not blaming her for your choice to leave...

sometimes the hardest part of choosing behavior is that sometimes the BEST behavior has to be chosen in the face of POOR behavior. That was two wrongs that ended in tragedy.

I believe if you had it do to over again you would have chosen differently.. and you would have every right to share how her behavior made you feel. I would still assess whether your reaction was over reaction or not since I don't "overly flirt" when my husband and I go out, but I do "cut up" and laugh when someone talks to me since I am an extrovert. Reasonable or unreasonable.... you HAVE to self assess in these situations... One thing is for sure.. you can choose better next time, no matter who you are with... abandonment is unloving UNLESS that person is threatening your own personal safety.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

One of the most loving things you can do right now is ...

1. Accept her current emotional state, even if poor choices exist
2. Humility in your contribution to that state
3. Support her through healing FOR HERSELF not for you (and she does not have to be with you for this to happen)

love her wanting the best for her regardless of what it gains you... and regardless of whether she is with you

Yet... if she is unreasonable with you... learn to set boundaries around acceptable and unacceptable.. if you are unclear on the difference, get your counselor to help you decide. 

for instance... my H was asking me for an inordinate amount of patience with his anger since he has been violent with me. That was an unreasonable expectation. I calmly asked him to get professional help with his anger (reasonable in the face of violence.) He blustered for a while (unreasonable) until he finally settled into accepting help (reasonable.)


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

losther said:


> I did go through counseling 13 yrs ago. I am supposed to meet with her counselor sometimes when the wife agrees to it, and then i guess we have a meeting with the 3 of us after that sometime. But she keeps putting off the group meeting and i dont know why. she won't talk to me about what happens in her meetings.
> 
> Whenever we discuss the past, it ens up in a huge argument and her in tears. I wish i could go back in time and take it all back. im not sure how to tell what happened.
> 
> I took her to a company dinner with my coworkers. Bunch of us met at a bar later that night. She said she was having a good time and was for it. We had a driver going to meet us at 12 so we didnt drink and drive. i played pool and she sat at the bar. one of my coworkers kept talking to her, i felt my temper, but tried to ignore it, *but she kept laughin at what he said and i think she was flirting*. I ended yp leaving her there. I friggin drove home, her cell was in the car with me. i got a couple of calls from people there, but i figured she has a way home at 12 right? i was drunka nd passed out at home. didnt heer my phone at 3 in morning. when i did get up, i had messages that she was in hosp, had been assulted that night. god how do i live with myself. Is everyones curiosity good now?



Did she get what she deserved? Do you_ think_ she was flirting or do you know?


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> One of the most loving things you can do right now is ...
> 
> 1. Accept her current emotional state, even if poor choices exist
> 2. Humility in your contribution to that state
> ...


Thank you blossom for taking the time to tell me these things. I cant say shes ever unreasonable with me, i play that part well. I cant deal with emotions that come up and i say stupid things i dont mean and i do stupid things.

she has told me many times to reverse the roles, how would i feel if she said those things to me? I know i need to work on myself, but why bother if im going to lose her anyway?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

losther said:


> Thank you blossom for taking the time to tell me these things. I cant say shes ever unreasonable with me, i play that part well. I cant deal with emotions that come up and i say stupid things i dont mean and i do stupid things.
> 
> she has told me many times to reverse the roles, how would i feel if she said those things to me? I know i need to *work on myself*, but *why bother if im going to lose her anyway*?


Whether it is with her, or any other interpersonal relationship in your future, whether romantic or not, you need to work on you to be able to see another human being as an individual in their own right, not just a means to your own personal ends. She has been possession to you. People are not possessions. They exist with needs outside of your acquisition of them.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

aislin'sdone said:


> Did she get what she deserved? Do you_ think_ she was flirting or do you know?


no she didnt deserve that, i try to figure out what i think i was trying to prove by just leaving her there. 

She said she hates going anywhere with me cos i behave bad. im just afraid that someone else is going to take her away.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you keep acting like a pos you can assure yourself someone will take your possession away.
You have absolutely nothing to lose by going to counseling for your abuse, because that's what this is. What's even better is that you've taught your kids to behave like this. If your daughter marries a man that treats her like this will you be ok with that? Just stop making this about you for once and leave your wife alone while you go to deal with yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

losther said:


> no she didnt deserve that, i try to figure out what i think i was trying to prove by just leaving her there.
> 
> She said she hates going anywhere with me cos i behave bad. im just afraid that someone else is going to take her away.


NobodySpecial is right.. you have to do it for you and whomever enters your life later...

"afraid of someone taking her away" is fear of abandonment and it is what is fueling these outbursts... it could be PTSD related and there is a modality out there called EMDR that might take the edge off these reactions... let me know if you would like links to resources.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

I can't believe I read that you just left her at the bar alone.If you look at the news women are being taken off the streets and even out of their own driveway with worse consequences than your wife suffered.you said you don't want someone to come and take your wife away from you,but the way you are treating her you are basically driving her away to find someone else.I can't blame her for not wanting to go anywhere with you for fear of being abandoned again.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

101Abn said:


> I can't believe I read that you just left her at the bar alone.If you look at the news women are being taken off the streets and even out of their own driveway with worse consequences than your wife suffered.you said you don't want someone to come and take your wife away from you,but the way you are treating her you are basically driving her away to find someone else.I can't blame her for not wanting to go anywhere with you for fear of being abandoned again.


I thought she would catch a ride home in about an hr! I didnt feel i was just leaving her. she was snatched right out the side door, who would think something like that would happen???


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

losther said:


> I thought she would catch a ride home in about an hr! I didnt feel i was just leaving her. she was snatched right out the side door, who would think something like that would happen???


Let us review, honestly, what happened. 

- YOU brought her to a party.
- YOU wanted her to not have fun by speaking to other people AT A PARTY.
- YOU pitched a fit and ditched her.
- YOU were so hammered that you could not hear the phone ring for three hours.

YOU have some big, big problems which you should be addressing before seeking interpersonal relationships.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This is either a troll or the biggest pos on this site, and that's saying something because there are some real pos's on here. Which is it?

Or he's incredibly stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is either a troll or the biggest pos on this site, and that's saying something because there are some real pos's on here. Which is it?
> 
> Or he's incredibly stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or very, very, very badly broken.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

If this isn't a troll. Your wife should divorce you because based on your answer you don't really see what you did wrong


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is either a troll or the biggest pos on this site, and that's saying something because there are some real pos's on here. Which is it?
> 
> Or he's incredibly stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no idea what the hell a troll or a pos is? if im being called a troll, thats tame compared to what others have called me!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

losther, when did you lose your desire to protect your wife? Protecting a wife seems to come naturally to most men. To abandon her in a bar is not protecting her.

Protect and not imprison needs to be your agenda with a woman.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

losther said:


> I have no idea what the hell a troll or a pos is? if im being called a troll, thats tame compared to what others have called me!


Let's go back to the beginning. What are you trying to achieve. It seems to me the question seems to be

"Why can't I continue acting the way I always have, making excuses and blaming my wife for my behavior. After all, I have been able to suck up at the 11th hour and been given another chance before. Why not now?"

Does that about sum it up? The short answer is, you don't get to choose what she does. She is a different person from you, not existing for your benefit. And she has had enough.

In all seriousness, I am not trying to be mean. Whatever the dX, you are broken. Let her go and seek mental health care.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Let's go back to the beginning. What are you trying to achieve. It seems to me the question seems to be
> 
> "Why can't I continue acting the way I always have, making excuses and blaming my wife for my behavior. After all, I have been able to suck up at the 11th hour and been given another chance before. Why not now?"
> 
> ...


Ive sought help, going through it now...but i wont let her go...ever. we have a kid, and i will still be a part of her life


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think bottom line is its time to get very serious about these issues... no excuses and no one else to blame.


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

ok, so i dont mean to sound like im a nut or something, i just dont want her out of my life. Is there anyone on here that is a jerk like me that actually worked it out?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

losther said:


> Ive sought help, going through it now...but i wont let her go...ever. we have a kid, and i will still be a part of her life


Have you ever heard the expression "If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours." This applies to you very much. The one and only way to demonstrate to her that you Get It, that YOU need help, is to value HER enough to let her go. Not your desire to keep her in her cage. But that you value HER and HER needs. As you proceed with therapy, it MIGHT help. Honestly, it likely won't. Too little, too late.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

losther said:


> ok, so i dont mean to sound like im a nut or something, i just dont want her out of my life. Is there anyone on here that is a jerk like me that actually worked it out?


Not if you persist in wanting to stay a "jerk like me" which you have shown no desire to change.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

losther said:


> ok, so i dont mean to sound like im a nut or something, i just dont want her out of my life. Is there anyone on here that is a jerk like me that actually worked it out?


You should look up posts from a poster called theguy. His situation might have been similar to yours.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

losther said:


> Ive sought help, going through it now...but i wont let her go...ever. we have a kid, and i will still be a part of her life


Seek help for these issues, focusing on being a better you and on being the best parent you can be to your child. Let the chips fall as they may with your wife. You won't regret it and at some point you can enter a new relationship in a much better position for success.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

AND DO NOT USE YOUR CHILD AS A CONTROL TACTIC... AKA WEAPON to keep her connected to you

it bothers me that you say you won't "let" her out of your life... y'all have a child... 

if her situation is dire enough she does have law on her side to protect her from abusive behaviors if you choose to not control it yourself. 

I have learned that a husbands role in protection is to protect her from HIMSELF FIRST ... then everybody else...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Then I greatly admire you and Frusdil, but most of us mere mortals have yelled and called our spouses names at one time or another.
> 
> My wife and I certainly did, especially early in our marriage when we didn't know how to resolve conflicts. But I'm very glad that neither her nor I decided to divorce over it.


No need to be so condescending. I wasn't implying that my husband and I are anything but flawed humans.

My parents, hubby's parents nor any of my friends have EVER been name called by their spouse. Especially the c word. That's a disgusting thing to say.

I stand by my post.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

losther said:


> Ive sought help, going through it now...but i wont let her go...ever. we have a kid, and i will still be a part of her life


That statement is scary... you won't let her go..ever? 

How would you prevent her from going? 


You have no control over what she does. She is an adult. If she choses to leave and never talk to you again, she can. If you keep this up, she very well might do just that.

If you want to keep her, stop worrying about her and how you can control the situation. Instead look inside yourself, take this seriously and YOU CHANGE for good. That is the only hope you have.

If you really do change and she still leaves because you burned up all your get-of-of-jail-cards, at leas you will be a better person for the next woman you are with.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

losther said:


> I did go through counseling 13 yrs ago. I am supposed to meet with her counselor sometimes when the wife agrees to it, and then i guess we have a meeting with the 3 of us after that sometime. But she keeps putting off the group meeting and i dont know why. she won't talk to me about what happens in her meetings.
> 
> Whenever we discuss the past, it ens up in a huge argument and her in tears. I wish i could go back in time and take it all back. im not sure how to tell what happened.
> 
> I took her to a company dinner with my coworkers. Bunch of us met at a bar later that night. She said she was having a good time and was for it. *We had a driver going to meet us at 12 so we didnt drink and drive.* i played pool and she sat at the bar. one of my coworkers kept talking to her, i felt my temper, but tried to ignore it, but she kept laughin at what he said and i think she was flirting. I ended yp leaving her there. *I friggin drove home*, her cell was in the car with me. i got a couple of calls from people there, but i figured she has a way home at 12 right? i was drunka nd passed out at home. didnt heer my phone at 3 in morning. when i did get up, i had messages that she was in hosp, had been assulted that night. god how do i live with myself. Is everyones curiosity good now?


No, not yet.

It looks like you have a possible inconsistency in your 'story'. See bolded part.

Why would her phone be in the car and not in her handbag? I thought a 'driver' was picking you up?

Please clear this up.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

losther said:


> Ive sought help, going through it now...but i wont let her go...ever. we have a kid, and i will still be a part of her life


This right here, really frightens me. What exactly do you mean when you say you'll never let her go???


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## losther (Apr 29, 2014)

FizzBomb said:


> No, not yet.
> 
> It looks like you have a possible inconsistency in your 'story'. See bolded part.
> 
> ...


drove there with intentions to leave the car and pick it up the next morning.

She is always forgetting her phone in the car. she usually don't carry a hand bag.


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

Hello 'losther' this is your wife. I found this yesterday on the laptop after you left for work. Seems you haven't made many friends on here. Thing is, you left several key issues out of your posts. Not sure if or when your going to get a chance to get back on here today, but I'm thinking this is not what your going to expect...to have me on here too. 

I wish I would have known about this site because I think it may of helped me more than you. I've always had this fear that I'm doing the wrong thing by wanting out of this relationship, seems from the responses on here, I'm doing the right thing. I think this may have backfired on you. 

I was going to let this go on for awhile longer to see what else people have to say, but it looks like they may be getting fed up with you. I know the feeling.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

losther said:


> Our relationship has been on the rocks for a few yrs now, its just that last time I calld her those names, shes done. ive done worse things than that, and shes forgiven me...why not now?


Ever heard of the straw that broke the camel's back?


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

aislin'sdone said:


> Hello 'losther' this is your wife. I found this yesterday on the laptop after you left for work. Seems you haven't made many friends on here. Thing is, you left several key issues out of your posts. Not sure if or when your going to get a chance to get back on here today, but I'm thinking this is not what your going to expect...to have me on here too.
> 
> I wish I would have known about this site because I think it may of helped me more than you. I've always had this fear that I'm doing the wrong thing by wanting out of this relationship, seems from the responses on here, I'm doing the right thing. I think this may have backfired on you.
> 
> I was going to let this go on for awhile longer to see what else people have to say, but it looks like they may be getting fed up with you. I know the feeling.


Yikes!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

losther said:


> Should I give it up and move out?


YES


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> Hello 'losther' this is your wife. I found this yesterday on the laptop after you left for work. Seems you haven't made many friends on here. Thing is, you left several key issues out of your posts. Not sure if or when your going to get a chance to get back on here today, but I'm thinking this is not what your going to expect...to have me on here too.
> 
> I wish I would have known about this site because I think it may of helped me more than you. I've always had this fear that I'm doing the wrong thing by wanting out of this relationship, seems from the responses on here, I'm doing the right thing. I think this may have backfired on you.
> 
> I was going to let this go on for awhile longer to see what else people have to say, but it looks like they may be getting fed up with you. I know the feeling.


Whoa didnt see this! 

Good for you for moving on!! :smthumbup: Dont look back!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

losther said:


> All these months ive been doing all the cooking, cus I know she hates it. Been helping her around the house. I make the guys go home so I can come in and be with her.
> 
> *She said its too late, that for years she has been asking to spend time with me and I ignore her. I will admit to it. I get cought up in my projects and usually am out having beers in the garage with the guys, but I'm always home...just outdoors.*
> 
> ...


You sound alot like my STBXH! Very jealous type. He was always the same way...hated me going out with family/friends, which wasn't very often.

But if you ignored her requests for closeness, intimacy, etc. for years, what do you expect? Being "close by....in the garage" with the guys does not equate to spending time with her. 

Your wife and I are in the same boat = we're done. Time for you to own up and move on/out.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

"Losther's" wife has started her own thread here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/188842-hello-im-losthers-wife.html

Perhaps Losther will read it and gain some clarity...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm still optimistic here....

OP should completely focus on his wife (take a break from friends). Apologize to his wife and recognize his bad behavior.

First step of problem solving is recognizing the issue.

OP, if you really care about your wife and family, listen to your wife and do what she desires. 

Balance has been swayed your way for WAY too long and it has taken a toll on your relationship. It's within YOUR power to address that right now!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> I'm still optimistic here....
> 
> OP should completely focus on his wife (take a break from friends). Apologize to his wife and recognize his bad behavior.
> 
> ...


You dont understand...she is DONE!! Once we get to the point that we are DONE, thats it. I have been there, I know exactly where she is. There was not a single thing in the world that either of my ex's could have done or said that would have made me stay once I was done. The best thing he can do is to just let her be, and move forward with his own life, and work on NOT being a controlling a$$ in the future.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

losther said:


> no she didnt deserve that, i try to figure out what i think i was trying to prove by just leaving her there.
> 
> She said she hates going anywhere with me cos i behave bad. im just afraid that someone else is going to take her away.


No one else can "take her away"........*unless she wants to go!*


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

losther said:


> she sat at the bar. one of my coworkers kept talking to her, i felt my temper, but tried to ignore it, but she kept laughin at what he said and i think she was flirting. I ended yp leaving her there... she was in hosp, had been assulted that night.





losther said:


> I thought she would catch a ride home in about an hr! I didnt feel i was just leaving her. she was snatched right out the side door


You left her at the bar, with a friend/ designated driver who met you there, she was hanging out with one of your coworkers.. how does a woman who is hanging out with friends and coworkers get "snatched" out the side door of a bar without anyone noticing or hearing screams?

Since husband and wife are now posting on this thread perhaps one or both can fill in the details.


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> You left her at the bar, with a friend/ designated driver who met you there, she was hanging out with one of your coworkers.. how does a woman who is hanging out with friends and coworkers get "snatched" out the side door of a bar without anyone noticing or hearing screams?
> 
> Since husband and wife are now posting on this thread perhaps one or both can fill in the details.


Hmmm. Well, not sure how much detail I'm going to give on this whole event. Seeing I had no control that it was even put on here. The restroom was down a hall, and a side door is in that same hall. I'm told that side door is now locked and no longer being used. It lead to a small alleyway. Um...he had his hand over my mouth. This sucks, co-worker was not there with me. they were not going to babysit a grown woman. Guess they figured dear hubby came back and got me.


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

The driver was not at the establishment with us. It was his sister, and when she got there, I was gone, she tried to call, no way to get ahold of me. Believe me, I feel stupid enough for not having my phone or even my purse with me. Just didn't figure my man would just leave me there. I was just not prepared for the events that night. Sorry.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Darlin' you have acute trauma to recover from as well as chronic trauma. My best heart goes out to you. Heal well...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> The driver was not at the establishment with us. It was his sister, and when she got there, I was gone, she tried to call, no way to get ahold of me. Believe me, I feel stupid enough for not having my phone or even my purse with me. Just didn't figure my man would just leave me there. I was just not prepared for the events that night. Sorry.


Sorry to make you relive the details but it isn't making much sense to me and I'm trying to figure out if hubby really is to blame here. 

You said you were already snatched by the assaultant by the time the sister/friend/designated driver got there? She was expected around midnight. 

So:

You and hubbie arrive at bar sometime prior to midnight.
Sister is expected around 12 midnight
Husband leaves one hour before sister's expected arrival because he's jealous about you hanging out with his coworker- that's about 11 pm.
Shortly thereafter, with the bar full of coworkers and friends and other patrons, you walk down a hallway and some guy opens the side door, covers your mouth, drags you outside and assaults you and no one notices this at all?
Where were you when the sister/driver showed up?


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Sorry to make you relive the details but it isn't making much sense to me and I'm trying to figure out if hubby really is to blame here.
> 
> You said you were already snatched by the assaultant by the time the sister/friend/designated driver got there? She was expected around midnight.
> 
> ...



If anyone noticed, they didn't do jack sh*t to help. You have the timeline about right. If it makes anyone feel better, the guy was caught. Lived in the apartments behind a set of woods behind the bar.

I don't blame my husband for what happened that night. It could of happened even if he was there. I'm grateful that I lived. What I cannot forgive him for was the treatment I got the next day. It wasn't him who came and got me at the hospital, my sis did. He didn't even know what happened and acted like an a$$ when he found out.


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Darlin' you have acute trauma to recover from as well as chronic trauma. My best heart goes out to you. Heal well...


Thank you. Crazy, after all this time I'm shaking just writing it. I know it is disturbing, no one wants to hear about some nut job grabbing a woman out of the bar. keep guard ladies. I never not have my phone, not sure it would of helped out much anyway...but, I just don't know.


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Sorry to make you relive the details but it isn't making much sense to me and I'm trying to figure out if hubby really is to blame here.
> 
> You said you were already snatched by the assaultant by the time the sister/friend/designated driver got there? She was expected around midnight.
> 
> ...


May I ask, do you think this is a lie? What sick ass would make this up? I lived it, it's done, I'm moving on with my life.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> May I ask, do you think this is a lie?


The thought crossed my mind if only for a fleeting moment. 



aislin'sdone said:


> What sick ass would make this up?


I'm not really qualified to analyze the psychological profiles of people that fabricate stories on obscure internet discussion boards but suffice it to say that it happens. And around here lately, it seems to happen on a fairly regular basis.


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> The thought crossed my mind if only for a fleeting moment.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not really qualified to analyze the psychological profiles of people that fabricate stories on obscure internet discussion boards but suffice it to say that it happens. And around here lately, it seems to happen on a fairly regular basis.


I'm sorry if I seem snappish or whatever. That was a horrific and humiliating thing to go through. It's kind of offsetting to see it on a forum. I'm actually surprised he put it on here since it is something he won't discuss with me.


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## Melissa R (May 1, 2014)

I believe you should be thankful that you enjoyed 16 years with her. You went too far. Be the man you haven't and let her go without jerking her around about the divorce and everything that goes with it. You have only taught your child how not to be a decent person. You have years of actions that you have to fix. Get some help with the person you are. I wish you the best.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lenzi said:


> The thought crossed my mind if only for a fleeting moment.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not really qualified to analyze the psychological profiles of people that fabricate stories on obscure internet discussion boards but suffice it to say that it happens. And around here lately, it seems to happen on a fairly regular basis.


We all make assumptions based on what we read and what each of us experiences individuals, and sometimes we reach different conclusions for different reasons. 

This particular episode, as awful as it sounds, was presented by the husband and not the wife (victim) that you are addressing your questions to. For whatever transpired prior to the assault, the wife (victim) ended up in the hospital - according to the husband's story. To now expect the wife (victim) to endure a "cross-examination" as to who "was really at fault" (husband or wife) and/or who contributed to events leading to the assault just feels wrong to me as it strikes me as "beating up the victim - again".

Fabricated or not, this husband presented the story and blames himself for leaving her and not being there to protect her and wife's version blames the assailant and/or herself (for not having her phone, not being "escorted" down the hall - etc.) Either way, it all has no bearing on the fact that this marriage appears to be over.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> This particular episode, as awful as it sounds, was presented by the husband and not the wife (victim) that you are addressing your questions to.. To now expect the wife (victim) to endure a "cross-examination" as to who "was really at fault" (husband or wife) and/or who contributed to events leading to the assault just feels wrong to me


What if "husband" and "wife" are the same person?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lenzi said:


> What if "husband" and "wife" are the same person?


Ummmm, well then....uhhhhh......I give up...lol

Don't we have another couple here pulling the same stunt? :rofl:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ptsd for sure... so sorry this happened to you!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm just going to throw this out there. And I'm not trying to justify or excuse the OP's actions. But could his behavior be attributed to what happened to Mrs.OP, and it may be possible for him to work towards processing his thoughts and feelings about that night? Mrs.OP, has anything been done to try to help BOTH of you deal with the fallout of that night?

In any case, I don't blame you for wanting out and being done. It's what I would recommend to a friend. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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