# Messed up my relationship



## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have been married for 14 years have 2 kids and a lovely beautiful wife whom I love dearly. I also thought I had a textbook marriage that would never end.

Sounds good, now the problem.

My wife had an emotional affair for 5 months. I was in denial for quite a while and was enraged and infuriated with her, then she started talking to me about the whats hows and whys.

She said that she felt like I did not make her a priority and did not place her at the top of my life. She stated that she was not getting what she needed emotionally and never meant for it to happen but turned to this other person to fill her needs emotionally. All her other needs seem to have been met other than this one.

I said I would try to work on myself but had a hard time loving her the way she needed when I was hurt.
She then starts the Emotional Affair again because she was not feeling the emotions from me, it now turns into a Physical Affair.

I was so upset and now she wants to go with the other guy. She further explains that she felt like she was an sex object for me and not a wife.

This thought hit me hard and I started to look into myself and realized that I did do things that would make her feel this way. From adult internet sites to asking her to up the bar within the bedroom. Once that happened I would ask again to up the bar. Always with us and only us but I can see how I actually did this to myself. I actually hate what I have done to her and she never deserved to be treated the way she describes, it really hurts me to hear these words describing me.

I drove her away from me and don't know what to do. We have had counseling but it seems that it will not help. I love this woman more than anything in this world and feel I have totally thrown this away by being very selfish to my needs. I would give anything to turn back time and undue my mistakes!

We are moving toward a divorce and it hurts me so bad knowing that I have probably done this to myself. She has mentioned separation, but that just allows her to continue this relationship while separated.

I just don't know what to do...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Your wife had an affair. She is in the wrong.

She will try to blame you for this or that, to avoid responsibility.

Do not let her get away with that, even for a second.

Do not pay attention much at all to the words coming from her mouth. 

A woman in the "fog" of an affair, understand her judgment is completely clouded and will come up with every excuse in the book that you "drove" her in to the arms of some affair man. 

Do not accept responsibility for the affiar.

Do not beg or plead with her in any way.

Simply this, for yourself, do the things you did before you were married to make yourself attractive, pursue your own interests, dress well, in all ways be your own man and pursue your own interests. This is the most effective way to behave for yourself.

For your marriage, set your own appointment for marriage counceling yourself, for both of you, and tell your woman when and where is the appointment, and go with or without your woman.

Also for your marriage, do WHATEVER it takes to end the affair. I mean WHATEVER. PLay hardball. Play dirty. Before there will be ANY hope at all for your marriage, this affair man MUST be out of the picture. Even so, the next step, expose the affair to whoever will listen, wife's friends, family, do this not in spite, but from the noble task of saving your marriage. You need all the allies you can muster. 


Others on this site, Affaircare and others, listen to them. These affairs, they follow a script. You need to learn this script so to know what to expect even before it happens.

I wish you well.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

Big Bad Wolf, Thanks so much, I'll be checking out the links!


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

jd29 said:


> My wife had an emotional affair for 5 months. I was in denial for quite a while and was enraged and infuriated with her, then she started talking to me about the whats hows and whys.
> 
> She said that she felt like I did not make her a priority and did not place her at the top of my life. She stated that she was not getting what she needed emotionally and never meant for it to happen but turned to this other person to fill her needs emotionally. All her other needs seem to have been met other than this one.


1. Why did you deny the affair?
2. Why didn't she bring her concerns to you before the affair?


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

moonangel said:


> 1. Why did you deny the affair?
> 2. Why didn't she bring her concerns to you before the affair?


1. I just could not believe it was happening. We went to counseling but she continued the affair and lied in counseling. She continued to communicate with OM but I never new. I Thought she was really trying.
2. That is the million dollar question. I wish she had talked to me about this and more could have been done. Part of me says that she is just justifying this in her own head. It take 2 to tango and nothing was ever done that she objected to.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She saw problems, but found it too hard to talk to you about it. No, it was much easier to destroy your marriage with an affair. She is in the fog and has rewritten history to make you look like the bad guy in this whole thing, thus, justifying her actions.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You are placing way too much blame on yourself. After she got caught in the initial affair, telling you that she felt neglected/ignored...that was understandable. It doesn't make her cheating acceptable, but I could see that being her reason, and you two going to counseling to make this work. 

But the fact is she turned around and did it again. This proves that her reason of feeling neglected/ignored by you was crap.

I look at it this way: usually when someone cheats, it's because the marriage isn't satisfactory for whatever reason. And if the marriage is less than satisfactory, it's the fault of both people in it. They each have, in one way or another, contributed to the fact that the marriage is not what it should be. BUT...when that happens, when the marriage isn't what it should be, it needs to be discussed and fixed, or ended if that's what's best for it. 

So, you bear some responsibility for the marriage being unsatisfactory, but she bears the full responsibility for her cheating. And the more you blame yourself, the more you show her that she doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions. Would you want to teach your kids that lesson? Of course not. So don't teach her that either.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Disagree with most of these posts, I respect that you have taken some responsibility in the marriage failing. It is easy to see how resentment you felt eliminated any restoration. Relationship do not repair themselves alone. I see two people justifying and excusing their actions to one another. You feel you have a right to be angry and punish her and she has the right to turn away from you because you neglected her. (same difference) The ideal situation would have been that she apologize and try her best to make your marriage work and the ideal situation on your part would have been that you accept her apology and work with her not against.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

atruckersgirl said:


> I look at it this way: usually when someone cheats, it's because the marriage isn't satisfactory for whatever reason. And if the marriage is less than satisfactory, it's the fault of both people in it. They each have, in one way or another, contributed to the fact that the marriage is not what it should be. BUT...when that happens, when the marriage isn't what it should be, it needs to be discussed and fixed, or ended if that's what's best for it.


I agree here totally! But now the hard part. We will see each other all the time with kids and I am told that she will be back to me if the relationship goes bad.
There is also lots of communication that she initiates daily with me. 
This is messed up and really hurts inside. I was not good enough, but I am good enough to continue to talk to about normal everyday "married couple" things.

Just does not seem right.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jd29 said:


> I agree here totally! But now the hard part. We will see each other all the time with kids and I am told that she will be back to me if the relationship goes bad.
> There is also lots of communication that she initiates daily with me.
> This is messed up and really hurts inside. I was not good enough, but I am good enough to continue to talk to about normal everyday "married couple" things.
> 
> Just does not seem right.


Then stop doing it.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Then stop doing it.


Point taken


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm glad you see the point, so now is the time to show her some tough love and prevent her from "cake eating".

The whole thing about the relationship going bad and her coming back is bull sh*t and showing her that you except that is so bad.


How much respect would you have for me if we were bussiness partners and I did all the work. I'm sure you would think I was a sucker, right? My take is you have not shown you wife that you diserve respect, and I'm pretty sure she knows you will be around when she needs you and could care a less how she treats you. Why? she has no respect.

Change this around, grow a pair and stop tolorating her BS. In order to do this you will need boundries, the walls you set up to protect your self respect and prevent you from getting your feelings hurt.

Once you start showing confidence and the perseption that you are strong enought to move on with out her, she will start second guessing her own dicisions. See when she realizes that you are capeable of moving on and no longer plead and beg for her she may think twice about what she is doing with regard to what she is losing.

You haven't shown her the possibility of what she may lose b/c you are her doormat.

Chicks find men attractive when they are confident and strong and things they can't have....get it.


Trust me I have done enough cring and self pity behind close doors I truely know how tough it is when your wife steps out, but showing her this is a big turn off.....so stop.

In my experience it is better to distance your self from the DS and change your focus to the kids and your self then to worry about her. I can't control my cheating wife but I can control me and how I want to be treated and what I will tolorate (boundries)

Please start working on your self in anticiapation that you will go out and succeed and find a women that can be loyal and doesn't mind having some one that can provide for them. You have learned a great lesson here and on your next relationsip (hopefully with your current wife) you will balance the emotional needs of your SO and your work.

Again my wife saw this change in me and she decided to come along.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

Major update:
I have been trickling to wife about her decision and its impacts on the family, her life, myself as well as stating that we will get a divorce and have seen a lawyer. After a few weeks she has said and showed more remorse than I have ever seen from her.
She realizes that she may be by herself in all of this and has said she will do anything to get this relationship back on track.
examples:
1. removing bad influences such as single friends who helped shape her mentality.
2. giving up her cell phone so I not feel paranoid about usage.
3. giving up internet access at home.
4. go to counseling for herself and also together as a couple
5. stopped trying to blame me 

Basically whatever it takes. She has had no contact with OM in one week and told him she needed a break to access everything.

I have been self sufficient for weeks now and was okay with what ever happened. I don't know if she can manage on her own. She is breaking down mentally over all of this.

The hard part for me. 
1. Can I really believe her? 
2. Will it happen again later with someone else? 
3. She physically was intimate with someone else. 
4. I am trying to do what is right for my children also, they are getting hurt by this the more she is away. 

What should I do? I need some ideas? I am questioning if I should even take her back now.

She is away because I will not allow her to move back home.

Thanks!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Bud, I think you have a golden opportunity here to save and even strengthen your marriage. If you do decide to take her back, don't get all "Honey, I'm so glad you're back!" on her, let her in slowly, over time, let her know that she has to show you that she is worthy enough to win back your trust. Your "manning up" has snapped her out of the fog, you're headed in a good direction.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree with F
In the beganning this is what we thought you wanted, your wife back.
Now is not the time to be ****y and proud that you have won, now is the time to embrace her and except the faults that not only what she did but what you did. Yes what you did. 
THE AFFAIR IS NOT HE CAUSE OF A PROBLEM IN THE MARRAIGE, THE AFFAIR IS THE END RESULT AND BIPRODUCT OF A PROBLEMATIC MARRIAGE.

Sorry for shouting, but I want my point clear the both of you can reconnect, and letting your W stew in her humility is wrong. but acnkoledging her effort and rewarding her with a better marriage is just. 

Embrass this.. this is why you showed the tough love, now is the time to show her why she made the right choice. Be the best man and love her with all your heart but with boundries and expectation that can be met by both of you as friend, best friends.
You now have the delightful consequences of being the guy with the cheating wife as she has the consequences of being the wife of a untrusting husband.

What I mean is things will never be the same (they will be better) she has lost her privacy for the sake of her husband and you,, and you, have the responsability to prevent this from happening again by being the husband that she needs for the sake of your wife.

See its a give and take and comprimise. You fought for this and now you have it, so, take the reward and use it wisely.

For me and mine , I will never make the same mistake twice, and through vigilence, either will she.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If for no other reason than your kids, swallow your pride and accept responsibility for some part in the breakdown of the marriage (but no responsibility for her affair; that will require forgiveness on your part, no more, no less). 

If you can work through this, you will be happier and have a stronger marriage--or you will learn you cannot work through it, and you will walk away knowing you tried your best.

One good thing: by standing on your own, you show yourself and her that re-uniting will be because you choose it, not because you fear being alone or anything other than choosing it. Feel good about this; you will be making better decisions in your interactions with your wife and you won't put up with any b.s. she may throw at you down the road--and she'll respect you more for it. That doesn't mean, "my way or the highway;" it means knowing and enforcing your boundaries and teaching your children the same. What a great life lesson for them, whether or not the marriage succeeds. God bless and good luck.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

I am very depressed at the moment. I wish that it would be easy to get over an affair. I just think of the sick words that wife said in a heated discussion. "That sex felt good with OM", as well as other harsh words about myself and family. This was said before she gave him up but that really hits hard.
Been very down and wondering if this is the right thing. Wife is trying very hard to make this work but I am just sitting here wondering.
Just my thoughts...


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

jd29 said:


> I am very depressed at the moment. I wish that it would be easy to get over an affair. I just think of the sick words that wife said in a heated discussion. "That sex felt good with OM", as well as other harsh words about myself and family. This was said before she gave him up but that really hits hard.
> Been very down and wondering if this is the right thing. Wife is trying very hard to make this work but I am just sitting here wondering.
> Just my thoughts...


Don't be so down. You can see and read all over this site, that the ones involved in the affair, will say these things to justify why they are having the affair. Anything thats hurtfull etc. This could well be in the heat of the moment.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You are now on the roller coaster of reconciliation. You can expect that your emotions will be all over the place. It's perfectly normal. If she's doing the hard work to regain your trust and keep the marriage intact, good for her. You have to maintain those boundaries, and understand that what you're feeling is no less than what other BS go through. 

That four letter word...TIME...give it some time. I can so understand why what she said would be eating at you. Have you talked to her about what those words have done to you? Tell her how you're feeling. Give her the chance to make it right.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

I did not realize how hard it would be to try and reconcile. I think about the OM many times and what all has taken place. Looking back I don't know if I should have pushed so hard. I guess it is always easier to quit. Idk, just wondering if I have made the right choice. I saw wife on phone today. I know there is no way she was texting someone but I just get that feeling again. 
How long will it take? 
Anyone else been through the same thing and think that it was worth the fight?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The only way I know it is worth the fight is knowing everything, I mean I have her passwords to all her accounts and I have reciepts that validate her were abouts. It sucks but I was all over her sh*t. That was the consequence she had/has to deal with. I was so insucer that at the point were I felt like quiting she (my wife) would make the extra effort in accounting for her self. It also sucked for her but the alternitive was breaking up. 

Your wife has to step up. Mine did and it is getting easier as time goes on. Its been a year and she still hands over more then I need to acount for her commitment.

Thats the point she should be helping you heal and I'm feeling she isn't and you are haveing a hard time healing. She has to be overly forthcoming with all her actiities.

As for as the other man goes, You have to believe that you have won. Your wife has to show you that you have won, you got the girl. 

She screwed up and you need to tell her you are having bad feeling and she is not doing enough to reassure you ....you need you r comfort level raised and if she can't do that for you then she and you are screwed. Sorry

This is comming from a guy with a cheating wife and these are the things that my wife went through to get me back after her years of cheating.

So yes it was worth the fight b/c my wifes actions proved it to me that it was worth it. I would have it any other way.

I'm going to get sh*t for saying this but my wife had to give me her self to my satisfaction not hers. I could have just as easily not fought at all and left. She was the one that said "I'll do any thing"


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

Thanks so much on your insight! That truly does help. Although a very difficult task. My first reason was for my children, now it has to be for me.

Thanks again.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

I begin to wonder why...Now wife is now second guessing her want to be back with the family. She says she has no idea why and that she knows she should be with family but also says that she wants to pull away. Also says she doesn't know what she wants.

She then asks how I feel. I tell her that I am here for her and that I love her. I also stated that we will have ups and downs but need to work through them. The affair thing has been very hard socially for her and my have an impact also.

I am resigning to the fact that this may be a lost cause and I should move forward with my life. It kills me to no end to lose her but it is not a good environment for the kids to have mom here and then mom leave and then repeat that.

I think that she just wants to live this "greater" life than what we have. Which by no means is lacking. Nice home, new camaro and yukon, 1-2 vacations a year and a husband who loves and cares deeply for her.

I don't know, just feeling lost here.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

jd29 said:


> Nice home, new camaro and yukon, 1-2 vacations a year and a husband who loves and cares deeply for her.


Maybe its time to give all that to a woman who will appreciate it.


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## spitfire008 (Jan 13, 2011)

I ve been in same place and its killing me also..Just found out she was away on business with paid hotel room.however old boyfriend form 30 years ago picked her up and she spent the last nite at his place. I only found out 3 months latter.So we had a big fight. i said i would not do such a thing to you..Told daughter she was taking another week off to go back. she never told me and its not a business trip..How do you think i feel? IF she goes or tries to hid it we are done i quess..How can one inflict so much hardship on a man with 28 years in and 3 special need kids??


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

1st mistake is when your W asks you something tell her. She doesn't know what she wants so you tell her to do what she wants, I don't care, I'll just be over here loving you......

Damit man, take control of your family and tell her she is an adult that has brought kids into this world and has taken vows and made promises infront of others. You want her to be your wife? Do want to share her? No..so tell her.If she is asking you to make a discion for her well DO IT.

I'm say you can not control her but if shes asking for it then give her the guildence she may be looking for. She said it her self she didn't know what she wanted, so reminder. Hell she made the choices in life know she doesn't know if she can follow through. She need to put her big girl pants on and take control over her family also. You guys are married, either she's in or she out there is not try. Kids are depending on both of you and you will not tolorate a half [email protected]@ attempt on motherhood from her. Is this what you really wanted to say?

"Ok sweety its all ok, I still love you" What kind of crap is that shes had an affair and you codiel her. She looking for a man that knows what he wants, please show her one, even if she doesn't go along atleast you'll have your respect. At least tell what you will and won't tolorate.

If you need to see the phone ask for it, why b/c you don't want to hurt her feelings. Screw that, she owes you the consideration. hell next time you want it on speaker phone(just kidding)

She just the broke some serious trust issues, she needs to be forth coming with everything. I personally demand it, but I'm different.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

I told her that there is no more yes, no and that we cannot be together if she wants to continue to do this.
I will not tolerate this crap. I told her that if she cannot commit then she needs to go.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

@spitfire008

I can tell you that theguy is right on with my situation and that you should also do more than tell her, you need to demand what you want out of the relationship.
I know it is hard and me being on the beta side in the beginning got me no where. But it is something that your wife needs to know.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

Trust your gut...That's all I can say. If you feel it, it is probably so.
I knew something was up so I asked. OM started contact and she reciprocated.
I said that we are now through. My relationship is over, I can live with that. 
My kids are the ones that are going to suffer. I wish everyone out there would think of the ramifications that cheating will do. It affects many people besides spouse.
THINK BEFORE YOU CHEAT!!! Such a selfish act.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

maggot brain said:


> Maybe its time to give all that to a woman who will appreciate it.


That is what is now going to happen. It will take time, but life will have to go on.


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