# Help me help us



## Help4Hubs (Nov 27, 2012)

I been reading here for a while and finally decided to post. Some background on us: We are both in our 30’s, married 18 years, 3 kids ranging from 11-17 years old. He works full time and I am a SAHM for a little over half of our marriage. 
First I should admit that I am not without fault for our problems. I grew up in an unstable abusive home and it took some time for me to adjust after we married. I caused a lot of our fights early on and was downright mean a lot of times. I changed all of that many, many years ago. Basically grew up I guess and realized I didn’t want the same life my parents had. He also came from a dysfunctional background - but his was rooted heavily in religion. 
A short time after we married I became pregnant. Neither of us was using any form of birth control and I actually wanted to have a child at that time. Looking back I’m not so sure he was ready. (We were only 18). Stupid of me, I know. But I love my kids and do not ever regret having them –even though we were young. Around this time our sex life slowed down a lot and has never really returned to anywhere close to what I would like it to be. Now I question if he is just low drive or did I ruin him by being so mean during our first year and becoming pregnant? He says he just doesn’t need sex very often. But he does like other types of affection. He has always been so passive until recently also. Some of the changes he is going though I actually find attractive, others are just mean (kinda like I use to be). Maybe I am getting a dose of my own medicine, who knows. I have apologized many times through the years for my actions then but I still feel like he is trying to punish me for something by withholding sex –sometimes months at a time. I don’t know what to do. My kids are getting older and I am not sure if I can stay with him after they are out of the house. I must say that I still love him after all these years and just wish he would tell me what is bothering him so much that he doesn’t want to be with me sexually. We are both normal weight, no heavy drinking or drugs, no porn use or cheating-heck from the outside looking in---we are perfect, only that we aren’t…. 
I could write a book with all of these years behind us but will try to keep my posts as short as possible. (when I can)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Usually a sexless marriage is a result of other problems, which I think you know. What do you guys do to work on your relationship and connect with each other?


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## Help4Hubs (Nov 27, 2012)

Hi Hope,
Thanks for responding. Yeah, I pretty much figured there has to be some other problems causing this, esp. for all these years. He wasn't LD when we were dating or first married and just seemed to chage overnight, almost. As far as the rest of our relationship, it was always good until, a few years ago. We had date nights, vacations alone, went out alot, hung out with friends (mostly mine). He changed jobs about 6-7 yrs ago and he was only home on weekends for a long time. During those years, when he did get home he didn't feel like leaving-for anything. I can't say I blame him but it took it's toll on me. We rarely went out or on vacations then. He was gone enough and just wanted to be home. Me, on the other hand, had been alone all week with the kids and wanted adult time. Not a good mix... He has been back at a job, where he is home daily, for a year now but nothing has changed. We do go on dinner dates about once a month but he mainly just watches tv on his days off. Says he is still trying to catch up from everything he missed for so long. I really don't think the tv programs he missed in those years are going to suddenly rewind for him tho ... That job was a choice he made then...he didn't have to be away from home. He had a good paying job already but wanted to try something else. Everyone told me I shouldn't have let him take the job then. But who am I to say what he can and can't do? I'm not his boss, that's how I looked at it. I try to connect with him daily by cooking whatever he wants, asking about his day, little things. He only talks about a very few things anymore-his job, his tv shows, his friends. That's really about it. If I ask him about other things he just answers with a question, giving me no answer at all.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, you cooking him what he likes isn't any kind of connecting. What do you do on your dinner nights out? Are they fun?

You need to ask him if he wants things to change. If he says no, then you need to decide if you want to live this way the rest of your life. Because YOU cannot change HIM. Only he can change him, and if he isn't willing to, he won't change no matter what you do.

If he does want things to change and can commit to working with you to try and change them, then I suggest MC, or at the very least some marriage building books. Here's some we've used that are really good

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
"John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life''s work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential"

The Five Love Languages 
"Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.......The 5 Love Languages® has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good."

Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs and the companion workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love
"Dr. Harley helps couples understand why their best intentions are not enough to prevent marital incompatibility. in Love Busters, he helps couples avoid losing romantic love by recognizing and overcoming thoughtless and selfish habits. Couples must do more than want to meet each other's needs--they must actually meet them! The right needs are so strong that when they're not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them. But aside of the risk of affair, important emotional needs should be met for the sake of care itself. Marriage is a very special relationship. Dr. Harley describes the ten emotional needs of men and women. He helps you identify which are the most important to you and your spouse, helps you communicate them to each other, and helps you learn to meet them."

Good luck to you. I hope things turn out the way you want them to. And that means whether you decide to be with him or not. If you decide not to be with him, then the folks in the Divorce sections here have some fantastic advice


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## Help4Hubs (Nov 27, 2012)

Hope,
Actually cooking what he likes is one of my connections, according to him. He has told me this many times. Also his love language is acts of service. And I am a pretty darn good cook. 

Mr.Avg,
I've considered LowT, but as you said, he is still pretty young and this has been going on for many years. I don't know if it is even possible for him to have had LowT way back then??? Getting him to see a dr. will be a problem...he hates going.


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## Help4Hubs (Nov 27, 2012)

Also when we do go out we have a good time. Well at least I know I do. But heck I can make a party out of nothing. He likes good food, playing pool and good music. So usually we will find a nice place with a good band after dinner or hit the comedy club. (one of my favs)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Help4Hubs said:


> Hope,
> Actually cooking what he likes is one of my connections, according to him. He has told me this many times. Also his love language is acts of service. And I am a pretty darn good cook.


OK, so how does HE connect with YOU here? Do you cook together? Does he also cook what you like sometimes? And how does HE speak YOUR love language?



Help4Hubs said:


> Also when we do go out we have a good time. Well at least I know I do. But heck I can make a party out of nothing. He likes good food, playing pool and good music. So usually we will find a nice place with a good band after dinner or hit the comedy club. (one of my favs)


Well at least you know you do, but you don't know about him.

I really sense a disconnect here. Have you talked to your husband about all this? Have you asked him if he's willing to work on things?


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## Help4Hubs (Nov 27, 2012)

Sometimes he joins in the kitchen (chopping or handing me stuff) or if he worked that day he sits at the bar to talk while I am busy. Anyway, as I already stated- this is one of his "things". He likes it... Him cooking alone? uh no...I think he made breakfast maybe 3 times. And that is perfectly acceptable to me. He also doesn't do any housework. He does the yardwork. Also all ok with me.

Well my love language is physical touch....... 

If he chose the place to go on date night, I can only assume it's because he liked it. Would be kinda silly to go to a place he didn't really enjoy when it was his turn to choose.

Disconnect --you are correct on that one for sure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband would choose somewhere to go that *I* liked instead of somewhere he liked. You know what they say about assuming.....

Have you talked to him about all this? Is he willing to work on things with you? Is he willing to open up to you? Is he willing to start speaking your love language? He has to be or it's never going to work. Like I said, you cannot change him.


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## Help4Hubs (Nov 27, 2012)

Wow Hope, your hubby really wouldn't ever choose something he liked to do? We have alot of the same intrests so that's the easy part for us, choosing where to go. Our problem would be after the date is over....

I have spoke to him about this in every way I know how to. That's why I am here, for other's suggestions I may not have thought of or different angles to try. I'm not really trying to change who he is as a person, I would just like to understand why he is the way he is. If it is something I have done, I would like to know. Then maybe I can work on me. I don't totally blame him, it's not only his problem. It's OUR problem and I don't see it changing much if we don't BOTH seek to find a solution. As for him, he doesn't open up much. I have little to go on. He always just says he will do better, and does for a while. After that it's back to the drawing board. I do love this man and I am not looking for reasons to leave. I am looking for solutions so I won't end up so hurt over all of this that I do leave. (if that makes any sense)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My hubby agreed to buy a house with a big yard because it's what *I* wanted. Then over the years the resentment built and he never said a word. So yeah, he wouldn't ever do things *he* wanted. It was a huge problem.

You only CAN work on you. You can't work on the marriage if he isn't willing to as well. Don't approach as fixing yourself to please him, though. Approach it as working on you for YOU. That is the only way you will have any success. Not only will things in your marriage possibly improve, but you will get to the point where you don't need him to be happy. Only then can you make the choice to be with him because you WANT to be, not because you feel like you need to be. Once you define your OWN happiness, only then can you truly be happy with another. 

Your hubby is talking the talk but not walking the walk. He's all talk but no action. You need to shake him up. If he knows things WILL end in divorce if they don't change, that might be enough. Some people have to actually have the papers in front of them before they know their spouse is serious about things. Since he knows that if he does nothing, the status quo will just remain, he does nothing. He has no reason to.

It sounds to me like this is all on you and he doesn't really need to do anything.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am a God fearing man as well, but that has nothing to do with my high sex drive. Whether I believe or not, I have a high sex drive.

Sounds like he is a passive guy, doing what you would like.

Getting married and having kids at 18, yes that's young, but look it at in the long run. Your kids will be out of the house by the time you both are in your early 40's. and you'll still be young. That's awesome.

Usually the woman withholds sex to get her man to do things for her, not the other way around. Odd.

Take the sexual initiative, talk dirty, wear sex outfits, have sex with him often, be aggressive. He may be that type of guy.

When my wife isn't in the mood for almost 1 month, I also pull back, quiet, and I don't want sex at that point because it's been way too long. Either having sex often, or nothing, simple. Use it or lose it comes to mind.

Since I weight train, takes supplements and a natural test booster, my sex drive is high and it drives my wife crazy at times and not in a good way. If I didn't weight train, no supplements and no natural test booster and sex is only 1 - 2 times each month, I would be similar to your hubby.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Help4Hubs said:


> Hope,
> Actually cooking what he likes is one of my connections, according to him. He has told me this many times. Also his love language is acts of service. And I am a pretty darn good cook.
> 
> Mr.Avg,
> I've considered LowT, but as you said, he is still pretty young and this has been going on for many years. I don't know if it is even possible for him to have had LowT way back then??? Getting him to see a dr. will be a problem...he hates going.


It can happen in your thirties (I know someone)...get it checked anyway.


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## Help4Hubs (Nov 27, 2012)

"Take the sexual initiative, talk dirty, wear sex outfits, have sex with him often, be aggressive."--done that many times over. It's not easy, trying all of it while being rejected at the same time. He was raised religious, doesn't live that way now though. He smokes, sometimes cusses. I've never rejected him that I can remember.

Will see if I can talk him into seeing a dr. I've asked in the past but he never said one way or the other if he would. If he refuses at least I know where I stand with him.


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## Help4Hubs (Nov 27, 2012)

He is somewhat passive but will flat out tell me no to many things if he doesnt agree. So it isn't all passive. There are quite a few things just will not do and doesn't mind saying so. Also what he chooses for our date nights is also in line with his general interests, so I don't think he is only going along with me, not all of the time at least.

"Take the sexual initiative, talk dirty, wear sex outfits, have sex with him often, be aggressive"--been there, done that..lol. Even that doesn't work these days.

I will mention the dr. once again and see if he is willing to go. Last time i mentioned it, I didn't get a response. At least if I ask again, I will know if he is even willing to work with me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If my wife did the things you are doing, I would be blown away, fantastic!!! But she hasn't in 13 years of marriage.

There was a guy at the shop who was always tired. Went to the Dr. and got test shot. Feels great, sex drive, weight trains, etc. and he's married, 2 kids, in his early 40's. Could be that.

For me, the more sex I get, the more I easily get in the mood, the better I feel, energized. But if he is already tired and not in the mood, somehow kick starting his sex drive, a test shot, could do the trick.

Weight training is key and being in good shape as well.


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