# Advice regarding fiancée and kids.



## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

So I am looking for advice in dealing with my situation.

She is 29 and I am 25.
Me and my fiancée have been together for 3 years and have known each other for a total of 6. Through school too.
I knew her through friends and I always thought she was gorgeous when we first met. Inside my head I always pictured her to be my future wife and raise a family with her.

When I opened up to her she was shocked. She never knew I had strong feelings for her.
This is important because her ex boyfriend was a friend of mine, she was with him for 6 months before she married him, I had to wait 2 years. 
She had a child with him 4 months together with him, she swears up and down it was an accident but she also says she was stupid then, which makes me think it wasn't an accident. 
She moved across the country to move in with him after he left for work.
She claims she didn't even love him, she thought she did.
He beat her and she left him. I came in a year later.

She also has another child from a prior boyfriend right before the abusive one.
She was with him for 2 years and had a kid 7 months into their relationship.
She never married him, she also says she never loved him, this was a huge accident.

Now moving on to me.
I moved in with her to avoid any drama between us and what not. Though I never particularity understood why she wouldn't move in with me but she would move in with a guy across the country.
She claims that, she loves me more than any other guy she has ever been with- combined.
She believes she never loved the fathers of her children because she never had the feeling inside her heart where she knows she is in love.

So in out first few months together, we were already talking about kids and marriage. She claimed she wanted to have 4 kids with me, or she was to attempt to have one every other year till she hit 35.
This got my very very excited as she knew I want kids more than anything.

Though she changed her position because she had debt from her abusive relationship, he ex used her credit card for car parts and other things without her knowledge. She asked to wait a year to start working on kids, so she can get her debt under control.
I waited a year, she was on birth control, and we were never having sex. She had 3 different excuses. 
-I was too big, I was just stretching her out too much so it hurt her. 
-She just didn't want to.
-She had a headache

She said she didn't want to because birth control is killing her drive to do it, she doesn't get wet enough for me to go inside without me going down on her to get her going.
So she has lost all interest in sex.

So I asked her to get off the birth control- she refused. I asked her why, she said because it was regulating her cycle and she didn't want to.
This got me mad because at this time she was 28. I asked her about kids again, and she pushed it off for the next year, and only having one kid.
I became so mad, her debt was under control, everything was fine.
Her oldest child wanted another little sibling. She asked for me and her to start trying to make one.

A year passed- current time, she is now 29. I am still waiting for her to get off the birth control, until I went away for a business trip.
We were talking about kids, and she decided we would start trying for kids at the end of the year, the following day she decided she didn't want kids.
I have no kids, I want at least 1. I don't want to live through life with 'what-ifs'.

She said she took her kids to the Zoo while I was away and she seen how happy they were and decided she didn't want to be miserable with pregnancy again(even though she had no partner support).
I was shocked she would say this because not did she tease me with what I would need to do for her while she was pregnant, she kept my hopes up.
She claims she loves me so much yet she won't give me a child, she asked why won't I treat her current kids like my own, yet when she gets mad when I am worrying about her kids she questions me with:
"Why do you care about them"
"They aren't your kids."
"Stop caring about them, they aren't your kids."

It blows me away she doesn't want to have a single child with me knowing I am going to be extremely supportive.
Yet she married her previous ex and gave him a kid in less than half the time we have been together.
Also same with the other.
Yet she didn't love them, she loves more more than anything and she can't imagine not living with me till she dies.

Everyday I have to see her 2 kids, she made with others she claims she didn't even love. It kills me inside and she says she might change her mind later. She has 5 years before she will never have kids- she turns 30 next month. She says after 35 child defects increase exponentially and she doesn't want to risk it.

I do not want to leave her, I love her so very much. So, so, so, much.
She claims the same.
I am considering leaving her though because I can not stay with her for the next 5 years hoping she changes her mind...
Can I get advice?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

All I can say about this and your other post is that there are red flags all over the place. I hope that you do not marry and you do not have children with her until you guys can work out some of your issues.


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

lamaga said:


> All I can say about this and your other post is that there are red flags all over the place. I hope that you do not marry and you do not have children with her until you guys can work out some of your issues.


If you don't mind me asking.

What are your red flags? Just looking for others perspective.


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

Always keep in mind that she is treating you the best that she ever will right now while things are new.

Mentally she has acted in the past as a kid. I would be carefull to set appropriate boundaries because she (in the past) has shown that she doesn't know where or how. Granted most people grow emotionally as we age. There is hope. Try to be objective about your relationship. Think about what is said and the manner it is delivered. Be honest and expect honesty from her. 

Good luck


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

specwar said:


> Always keep in mind that she is treating you the best that she ever will right now while things are new.
> 
> Mentally she has acted in the past as a kid. I would be carefull to set appropriate boundaries because she (in the past) has shown that she doesn't know where or how. Granted most people grow emotionally as we age. There is hope. Try to be objective about your relationship. Think about what is said and the manner it is delivered. Be honest and expect honesty from her.
> 
> Good luck


I have gotten opinions to stick it out, talk to her, or end it.

Personally, talking to her has done nothing. I have told her, the first time she ever seen me shed tears was on this subject. She didn't care.

I have questioned her, how can she possibly have 2 children to men she didn't even love.
While telling me she plans on being with me for the rest of her life, and she loves me more than any of her past men.

I tell her, she is a liar. If she actually loved me the way she says she does, I wouldn't have to beg her to give me one.
I know this isn't a sob story, but I never personally had a family.
My mom was abusive while she had me and abandoned me at 7 as soon as a rich boyfriend came and demanded she got rid of me and my brother.
I never met my father.
After that my family just fought for me and my brother and looked at us as more money from their taxes.
I have always wanted a child, one that I can love myself, start my own family.
She knew this too.

I just don't understand how she can say she never loved the father of her 2 current children, while telling me she loves me and she wants to be with me, but I can not get the gift of a child.

That is not love, I feel it is hypocrisy.

We were talking about it and I told her, if we get married and in 5 years, I do not have a child. I will leave her, without a second thought. I am 25, I have time to spare. She has opened up and said there is a possibility withing 2-3 years we can start trying. I was not happy with this answer as she is telling me to bet the next 2-3 years on a past empty promise.

Thanks for all the advice.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Like others say, there are red flags are over. She seems to like the bad boys and the worse someone treats her, the more she likes them. 

You appear to be the nice guy she can manipulate. Well someone says, they are together, having sex so you can't say that. Read from the post, "I waited a year, she was on birth control, and we were never having sex. She had 3 different excuses. -I was too big, I was just stretching her out too much so it hurt her. -She just didn't want to. -She had a headache

The old boyfriends crap on her, she craps on you, at least that's the way I see it. 

Sadly she needs a new boyfriend who will beat her up when he's angry and she's arrange to do what he wants. 

If you want to be happy, get your life in order, find a nice woman, and have a normal, mutually self-fulfilling life. If you want to do charity, help a local church, but get out of this dysfunctional relationship.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

P.S. I am sure you think she is cute, but that should not be dictating your life.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you want kids this isn`t the woman for you.

You have time yet but every day with her is another day you aren`t working towards what you eventually want.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Second P.S. Sorry to add this. Alternatively you can do nothing, stay in the relationship, and some months later, you may find yourself with an STD, the product of her dalliance with some motorcycler, and then you will have some problems forming a subsequent fulfilling relationship.


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## catloverd (Jun 15, 2012)

At this point, I think you should give her an ultimatum. You've waited a long time and she made promises she didn't keep. You want kids and she doesn't, you need to tell her this and that if she doesn't want kids, then it's over. She's not the girl for you.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I think you deserve someone much better to start a family with. I know you love her but where you want a child SO badly.. is this really really the woman you want to be the mother of said children?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How about getting married before trying to make a kid? Maybe she is nervous about not being married before having a kid this time?

I don't know. Just a lot of red flags here. I don't blame her for not wanting kids (it's her right) but she needs to give a good reason.

And with her exes...she didn't "give" them a child LOL! She got knocked up. Happens to the best of us (like myself) and I can tell ya that I never loved my older daughter's father. I just got pregnant and we tried to make it work. Although, I didn't marry him.


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> How about getting married before trying to make a kid? Maybe she is nervous about not being married before having a kid this time?
> 
> I don't know. Just a lot of red flags here. I don't blame her for not wanting kids (it's her right) but she needs to give a good reason.
> 
> And with her exes...she didn't "give" them a child LOL! She got knocked up. Happens to the best of us (like myself) and I can tell ya that I never loved my older daughter's father. I just got pregnant and we tried to make it work. Although, I didn't marry him.


The children thing wasn't meant to come off as possession.

Point was she had children with guys she herself says she didn't love and was with for half the time we have been together.
Guys that treated her like crap, guys who beat her.
She hasn't outright said no child, she has just continued to change her excuse.

If she said flat out no instead of continuing to lead me on I would feel much different about it, but instead she just keeps making different excuses to put it off.

Recently I moved out because some troubling news-

2 weeks at the start of our relationship I found out she started talking to her ex, her ex she didn't see or talk to for 4 months...

Now I knew at the time the ex was back and stuff, but not until about 2 weeks later.

Anyways... I found out she was texting and talking to this ex... telling her she loved him and just wouldn't stop talking to him.
The ex she was saying this to sent me the entire text they sent, she never once mentioned me. He didn't know she had a boyfriend at this time.

So I asked her, and she lied about it. When I showed her the text history, she said it was habitual and she was not sorry at all.

She says she isn't sorry, she didn't do anything wrong. 

I am thinking of officially ending the relationship.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need to GTFO of this relationship.

She's never going to give you what you want only enough to keep you around.

She lies too, ever wonder what she told her ex's about how she loves them?

Then there's the fact that raising another mana kids is no ****ing picnic especially when she isn't going to have one with you.

She offers nothing and takes everything.

GTFO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Joshy said:


> I am thinking of officially ending the relationship.


thinking about it?

You do realise she doesn't love you either ....right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

She does not sound like either marriage or relationship material.
The description you give of her history is that she is all about how she feels given any moment. She is focused on herself and herself only.

I am sure she did feel love for her baby daddys when she made the babys but then she didn't feel love anymore and can't remember ever feeling it.

Please turn away from her and date 30 other potential females. At least one will be a true contender and win your heart and then YOU won't remember ever loving your current fiance.

Its tough to turn away from feeling in love with someone when you are a true blue guy but if you stop seeing her, talking to her, hearing about her........your pull to her will fade away.


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

tacoma said:


> thinking about it?
> 
> You do realise she doesn't love you either ....right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I moved out thinking she will try an see her own faults, but to her she does no wrong.
She doesn't consider what she did cheating or even trying to cheat.

To me she tried to cheat 2 weeks into our relationship and got caught.

I talk to her maybe once or twice a week and the frequency in which I speak to her is declining sharply. The only reason I even talk to her now is because the fact she tried to cheat on me bugs the hell out of me. I have never been cheated on. 

Coming to realization that she only cares about herself, she won't change. If anything she will get worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are her other children? Does she get any child support from the fathers of her children?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Red flags are warning signs/problems.


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How old are her other children? Does she get any child support from the fathers of her children?


The daughter is 6 turning 7 in 2 weeks the son is 3.

I also fully understand what red flags are.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Joshy said:


> I moved out thinking she will try an see her own faults, but to her she does no wrong.
> She doesn't consider what she did cheating or even trying to cheat.
> 
> To me she tried to cheat 2 weeks into our relationship and got caught.
> ...


you moved out for the wrong reason, do it for you, find your own faults - namely why do you put up with this BS?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Joshy said:


> So I am looking for advice in dealing with my situation.
> 
> She is 29 and I am 25.


You are very young. The human mind does not finish developing until we are about 26 years old. For this reason young relationships usually end in separation/divorce. Divorce rates are very high for women 25 and under and for men 30 and under.


Joshy said:


> This is important because her ex boyfriend was a friend of mine, she was with him for 6 months before she married him, I had to wait 2 years.


You are not married to her right? Don’t you mean that you had to wait 2 years before moving in with her?
Red Flag: get married him after only being in a relationship with him for 6 months. She was young at the time and she acted immaturely. People should date for at least a year, not living together before even considering marriage, then be engaged for a year. It takes that long to get to really know a person.
Red Flag: You are comparing your relationship with her to her other relationships. She made some huge mistakes in her previous relationships. And you are jealous because she’s grown smart enough to not repeat them with you? Really? You want her to repeat exactly the same mistakes with you? You are comparing your relationship to failed ones. If you are going to be together for the rest of your lives what is the rush? Take the time to do this the right way.


Joshy said:


> She had a child with him 4 months together with him, she swears up and down it was an accident but she also says she was stupid then, which makes me think it wasn't an accident.
> 
> She moved across the country to move in with him after he left for work.
> 
> ...


The child probably was an accident. That’s usually how it happened. She says she was stupid. Just believe her.. she was stupid enough to let an accident happen. And look how it ended.. very badly. She moved with him because she was married to him. That’s what married people do. She had a baby with him so she tried to make it work. He beat her; it was not working so she left.
She probably did think that she loved him at the time. This is exactly why young relationships are such a bad idea. People make stupid choices because they are in such a hurry to prove that they are all grown up and adults. But since their reasoning/decision-making part of their brains have not fully developed they make stupid choices.
She probably did think that she loved him at the time. She did not take the time to live some and find out what love really is. Instead she most likely thought that having the hots for someone was the same as love. A lot of people make that mistake.
Red Flag: A history of mistaking having the hots for someone as love. 


Joshy said:


> She also has another child from a prior boyfriend right before the abusive one.
> 
> She was with him for 2 years and had a kid 7 months into their relationship.
> 
> ...


How does moving in with her avoid drama? Please explain. 
She most likely did not want to move in with you earlier because she has actually learned a lesson or two during the last few relationships. One huge lesson she seems to have learned is to not move in with a person too soon. That was wise. Your wanting to move in with her quickly is again your acting with haste and comparing your relationship with her previous failed ones. 
To get you thinking I’ll ask again, why do you compare your relationship now to her failed ones in the past? Do you really want to do the things that made those bad relationships? Or do you want to pave a new way to a healthier relationship?


Joshy said:


> She claims that, she loves me more than any other guy she has ever been with- combined.
> 
> She believes she never loved the fathers of her children because she never had the feeling inside her heart where she knows she is in love.


Maybe she does love you more. It does not take love to make babies. A lot of younger women, do some very stupid things. For example they do not take their birth control pills because they are young, foolish and irresponsible. Then they get knocked up and wonder why. You know … it’s all about the brain not being fully developed yet.


Joshy said:


> So in out first few months together, we were already talking about kids and marriage. She claimed she wanted to have 4 kids with me, or she was to attempt to have one every other year till she hit 35.
> 
> This got my very very excited as she knew I want kids more than anything.


Ok so the two you were dreaming together. Sometimes reality is very different from dreams. Do you even make enough income to support 4 children of your own and the 2 she already has? Most people would have to struggle, work 2 jobs to do this. She would most likely have to be a SAHM (stay-at-home mom) to handle that many children 



Joshy said:


> Though she changed her position because she had debt from her abusive relationship, he ex used her credit card for car parts and other things without her knowledge. She asked to wait a year to start working on kids, so she can get her debt under control.
> 
> I waited a year, she was on birth control, and we were never having sex. She had 3 different excuses.
> 
> ...


Paying off debt before having more children is wise.
Birth control does often cause women to lose their sex drive. It can wreak havoc with a woman’s hormones. I could not even take because it makes me feel like I have PMS all the time. She needs to talk to her doctor about this and see what alternatives there are.
Red Flag: She is refusing sex with you. Sex is a normal part of a marriage. (I now you are not married but it would be the same or worse if you were.) She apparently does not understand the importance of sex to a healthy marriage. Never, ever marry a person who is refusing to have sex with you. If you do, you are making the choice to have a sexless marriage. Is this really what you want? I doubt it.


Joshy said:


> So I asked her to get off the birth control- she refused. I asked her why, she said because it was regulating her cycle and she didn't want to.


She does not want to get pregnant right now. She’s been clear about that.


Joshy said:


> This got me mad because at this time she was 28. I asked her about kids again, and she pushed it off for the next year, and only having one kid.
> 
> I became so mad, her debt was under control, everything was fine.
> 
> ...


Keep the other kids out of your relationship with her. 
She does not want to be pregnant again. A woman has the right to refuse being pregnant and having more children. You have to accept the fact that she does not want anymore children. She is just saying ‘maybe later’ to keep you around.
Pregnancies are hard on many women. I was pregnant twice. That was enough for me. I would never do it again. Some women pop out babies like it’s nothing. For others it’s very hard. The circumstances under which she had her children is very much less than optimal. She was and might still be struggling. And you want to add more children to her life. You are not even married to her.
Red Flag: you are not married to her but you are pressuring her to have children. This probably makes her feel like you view her as a baby factory and not a person. Your wanting children it more important to you than she is. She knows that if she does not have a baby for you, you will leave her. She also knows that there is about a 70% chance that your relationship will not make it all that long. So she is wisely cautious. She does not want to have more children under these circumstances. See she’s getting older.. her brain is fully formed and her decision making process is a lot better now.
Red Flag: The reason I say that your relationship with her has so little chance of making it is based on statistics. When a man is married, or in a serious relationship, before the age of 30 there is a greater than 50% chance that he will not stay in that relationship. When it’s a second marriage/seriouse relationship the chance of the relationship not making is about 70%. When there are children from another relationship involved the chance of not making it is over 80%. Your relationship with her has almost no chance of becoming a lifelong relationship. My bet is that she is figuring this out.



Joshy said:


> We were talking about kids, and she decided we would start trying for kids at the end of the year, the following day she decided she didn't want kids.
> 
> I have no kids, I want at least 1. I don't want to live through life with 'what-ifs'.
> 
> She said she took her kids to the Zoo while I was away and she seen how happy they were and decided she didn't want to be miserable with pregnancy again(even though she had no partner support).


You need to accept that she does not want any more children. This means that the relationship will not work. 
Your best bet for a successful marriage and family is to leave her. Take some time to find out about how to have a good marriage. Wait until you are at least 30 then find a woman who is at least 25 to start a marriage and family with. Pick a wife who has no previous children. And pick a woman who does not have a long list of failed live-in type relationships… in other words a woman without a lot of baggage. If you do find a woman with a previous marriage, then go slowly and carefully to make sure she has her head screwed on straight. 


Joshy said:


> I was shocked she would say this because not did she tease me with what I would need to do for her while she was pregnant, she kept my hopes up.
> 
> She claims she loves me so much yet she won't give me a child, she asked why won't I treat her current kids like my own, yet when she gets mad when I am worrying about her kids she questions me with:
> 
> ...


It would be nice if you could care about her children as though they were your own. But often step children are hard to deal with. Like she says they are not yours. They usually do not like it when a step parent tries to parent them. I have two step children who I love dearly. But it’s been hard raising them because of the dynamics. 

My suggestion again is for you to break up with her, take some time and find a woman with no children. You will do a lot better.

Red Flag: She sees the way you treat her current children and is not impressed. Her expectations might be off but she is protecting her current children. They were in her life before you were. She is the one person they have to protect them. She’s doing what a mother should do in protecting them. She is having second thoughts about creating new children who will be treated differently from the ones she already has. That’s a sign that she’s a good mother.


Joshy said:


> It blows me away she doesn't want to have a single child with me knowing I am going to be extremely supportive.
> 
> Yet she married her previous ex and gave him a kid in less than half the time we have been together.
> 
> ...


Here you go again… comparing your relationship with 2 seriously failed ones. Do you really what to do what made to previous relationships fail? Really?

Red Flag: You are trying to pressure a woman you are not even married to, to have your child. She’s learned a lot about having babies with uncommitted men. Yes marriage in this day & age does not necessarily mean life-long commitment. But at least she and you children will have some legal rights and protections that they do not have outside of marriage.


Joshy said:


> Everyday I have to see her 2 kids, she made with others she claims she didn't even love. It kills me inside and she says she might change her mind later. She has 5 years before she will never have kids- she turns 30 next month. She says after 35 child defects increase exponentially and she doesn't want to risk it.


She does not want any more kids.

Red Flag: You hear her telling you that she does not want any more children. But you keep pressuring her for more children. You are not being realistic. If you stay with her you are agreeing to not have any children with her. Why are you still with her trying to push her to have your child? She does not want it.


Joshy said:


> I do not want to leave her, I love her so very much. So, so, so, much.
> 
> She claims the same.
> 
> ...


I hope you don’t feel like I beat up on you. You sound like a good guy who deserves a lot better than you are getting. She’s most likely struggling in balancing the mistakes of her previous relationships, the children she has now and loves and her love for you. It’s a tall order for anyone to handle.

My advice is to leave her. Your love for her will fade and you can find a woman who has not children. Marry her and have your own family. 

I know that for some, living together before marriage has become very common. But it’s not good for a marriage. The divorce rate is a lot higher for couples who lived together before marriage. Why? They think it’s because people have different expectations when living together than they do when they are married. So they develop a relationship under the rules for living together. Then they get married and all the rules change. Yes they do change after marriage.

Learn how to have a healthy marriage between now and the time you find this new woman (when you are 30 or older). Take a look at the books in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Read them and learn. When you find a new woman and want to get married, have her work through them with you to get your marriage on a good start.

Take the time between now and when you turn 30 to save for a marriage and family. Maximize your earning potential so that you have a strong base for supporting a family.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I do not think you should marry or have children with this women. She already has two kids with two other men, that she is obviously no longer with. Given her record, you could be nothing more than baby daddy #3 soon after the birth of the child. The fact that she tells you not worry about her children because they aren't yours when you are getting ready to marry her is a huge red flag. She is going to keep coming up with excuses for the next 5 years, and you will have wasted 7 years waiting for her to give you a child that is never going to come. 

You have a child with her, chances are you are going to have a vistiation only dad. Do you really want to have a child that gets passed from parent to parent?


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You are not married to her right? Don’t you mean that you had to wait 2 years before moving in with her?
> Red Flag: get married him after only being in a relationship with him for 6 months. She was young at the time and she acted immaturely. People should date for at least a year, not living together before even considering marriage, then be engaged for a year. It takes that long to get to really know a person.
> Red Flag: You are comparing your relationship with her to her other relationships. She made some huge mistakes in her previous relationships. And you are jealous because she’s grown smart enough to not repeat them with you? Really? You want her to repeat exactly the same mistakes with you? You are comparing your relationship to failed ones. If you are going to be together for the rest of your lives what is the rush? Take the time to do this the right way.


Not why I posted it, it was like you said a comparison between how she did beat around the bush for me but for everyone in the past it was virtually instant.



EleGirl said:


> The child probably was an accident. That’s usually how it happened. She says she was stupid. Just believe her.. she was stupid enough to let an accident happen. And look how it ended.. very badly. She moved with him because she was married to him. That’s what married people do. She had a baby with him so she tried to make it work. He beat her; it was not working so she left.


Twice. Within 2 years of each other. Different men.

I would love to believe her but I have a hard time. Like I previously stated she told me she was beat, that she had pictures, because I was thinking she got caught cheating on her ex and she said she would show me the pictures. She had no proof she was ever beat... I didn't take that as a mere coincidence.
So believing her is hard for me if you understand.



EleGirl said:


> How does moving in with her avoid drama? Please explain.
> She most likely did not want to move in with you earlier because she has actually learned a lesson or two during the last few relationships. One huge lesson she seems to have learned is to not move in with a person too soon. That was wise. Your wanting to move in with her quickly is again your acting with haste and comparing your relationship with her previous failed ones.


She didn't want to move in with me because it was too far from her job, but with her previous ex she was allowed to work from home.
When he moved cross country- she followed. Work wasn't hindering the decision. For me it did.

I didn't want to pull her kids from their grandmother, they were very attached. I didn't want to pull her away from her family and cause more 100% unwarranted tension between me and her mother. Multitude of things influenced the decision.



EleGirl said:


> To get you thinking I’ll ask again, why do you compare your relationship now to her failed ones in the past? Do you really want to do the things that made those bad relationships? Or do you want to pave a new way to a healthier relationship?


Hypothetically... if your partner has cheated in 10 of their past 10 relationships do you simply just ignore that?




EleGirl said:


> Ok so the two you were dreaming together. Sometimes reality is very different from dreams. Do you even make enough income to support 4 children of your own and the 2 she already has? Most people would have to struggle, work 2 jobs to do this. She would most likely have to be a SAHM (stay-at-home mom) to handle that many children


Not to brag but I make enough money to support a family of 10 and her being a SAHM. I helped her pay off 75% of her debt from her previous relationship. She paid the rest of from what she told me.
With how much she complains about not seeing her kids and how stressful work is to her, I would be one to think she would love to work from home again or become a SAHM.




EleGirl said:


> Paying off debt before having more children is wise.
> Birth control does often cause women to lose their sex drive. It can wreak havoc with a woman’s hormones. I could not even take because it makes me feel like I have PMS all the time. She needs to talk to her doctor about this and see what alternatives there are.


She got on birth control secretly, she didn't tell me. She admits the birth control she is now on might be a little too strong yet she wont go to a doctor. She has refused at every attempt of me bringing this up.





EleGirl said:


> She does not want to get pregnant right now. She’s been clear about that.
> 
> Keep the other kids out of your relationship with her.
> She does not want to be pregnant again. A woman has the right to refuse being pregnant and having more children. You have to accept the fact that she does not want anymore children. She is just saying ‘maybe later’ to keep you around.


You might have missed the part where she never truly has said she doesn't want another child. She just continues to put it off or make excuses without giving me the courtesy of a straight answer.



EleGirl said:


> Pregnancies are hard on many women. I was pregnant twice. That was enough for me. I would never do it again. Some women pop out babies like it’s nothing. For others it’s very hard. The circumstances under which she had her children is very much less than optimal. She was and might still be struggling. And you want to add more children to her life. You are not even married to her.





EleGirl said:


> Red Flag: you are not married to her but you are pressuring her to have children. This probably makes her feel like you view her as a baby factory and not a person. Your wanting children it more important to you than she is. She knows that if she does not have a baby for you, you will leave her. She also knows that there is about a 70% chance that your relationship will not make it all that long. So she is wisely cautious. She does not want to have more children under these circumstances. See she’s getting older.. her brain is fully formed and her decision making process is a lot better now.





EleGirl said:


> You need to accept that she does not want any more children.





EleGirl said:


> Red Flag: You are trying to pressure a woman you are not even married to, to have your child. She’s learned a lot about having babies with uncommitted men. Yes marriage in this day & age does not necessarily mean life-long commitment. But at least she and you children will have some legal rights and protections that they do not have outside of marriage.


I don't think I included this, but she told me for we got engaged that she wanted to have 2 more children. Now sometimes one of us will bring the subject up and she will make an excuse without telling me if she does or doesn't.

If it is a no, say it.
If it is a yes, say it.

Don't make a deadline and that deadline comes and goes and another excuse comes up.
Before I know it I would have wasted a good portion of my life hoping the excuses stop.

Don't tell me you want to have more children and set deadlines when you want to start- getting me excited to make an excuse to mark another deadline.





EleGirl said:


> It would be nice if you could care about her children as though they were your own. But often step children are hard to deal with. Like she says they are not yours. They usually do not like it when a step parent tries to parent them. I have two step children who I love dearly. But it’s been hard raising them because of the dynamics.
> 
> My suggestion again is for you to break up with her, take some time and find a woman with no children. You will do a lot better.
> 
> Red Flag: She sees the way you treat her current children and is not impressed. Her expectations might be off but she is protecting her current children. They were in her life before you were. She is the one person they have to protect them. She’s doing what a mother should do in protecting them. She is having second thoughts about creating new children who will be treated differently from the ones she already has. That’s a sign that she’s a good mother.


Even though her kids call me dad, they cried the day I left. They have told her how much they like like me, and she has told me how she wants me to be their father figure.









EleGirl said:


> Red Flag: You hear her telling you that she does not want any more children. But you keep pressuring her for more children. You are not being realistic. If you stay with her you are agreeing to not have any children with her. Why are you still with her trying to push her to have your child? She does not want it.


No, she says she does.

She brings up the discussion 75% of the time, I am tired of discussing it with her for her to get my hopes up- set a deadline and then make an excuse then she tells me she wants more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now that you have told us more, I feel badly for her children. 

You sound like a good guy and a good catch. She does not sound like a good catch.


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Now that you have told us more, I feel badly for her children.
> 
> You sound like a good guy and a good catch. She does not sound like a good catch.


All I told the children was that me and their mother were arguing/fighting a little too much around them and I did not want them to see that.

I did not tell them if I would be back or not as I did not want them to expect it.

I can't explain to them how their mother attempted to cheat on me, the way she lies to me, other things young children just don't understand.

When I left, she did not care. She only told me that I would be back.

The baby conversation can start like this

Baby Talk--> Lets start trying in December---> December comes--->Excuse: My sister is graduating college and I will need to help her as much as possible(She would make an excuse like this)---> Her: I want to have at the very least 1 more kid before 35---> We can start in May---> May comes--->New excuse.

Not sure exactly what I am doing wrong here, for getting tired of it?


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