# Sex, Marriage, Porn, Fingering & Intimacy....



## dlily

I have never posted before. I feel embarrassed to be doing so but I am at the end of my rope. My husband won't (or can't) talk to me and I need some sort of connection or communication with someone. I feel very alone and confused right now.

Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs. I have always been the steady and safe one. My husband on the other hand has dabbled in the following throughout our 10 years of marriage...porn (excessively), alcohol, pot (a few times), and a one night stand. He seems to feel that I am not like other women and makes me feel weird and abnormal. Not to sound high on myself, but I know that I am attractive, smart and a catch. I wish that he would tell me those things more. 

Anyway...tonight an issue arose. He decided that he wanted to go down on me and finger me. I didn't mind his mouth on me but he has no timing or clue when it comes to fingering me. He just does the in and out motion and expects it will feel good. I have learned not to say anything because when I do he gets angry, shuts down and punishes me. Sometimes, however, like tonight it hurts me and I physically grimace. Tonight was one of those nights. Sitting here typing now I am feeling vaginal pain from it. I tried to tell him that if he could work more around the entrance it would feel better. He gets so frustrated and angry though. Long story short he refused to talk to me about it and tells me that I am a bad teacher and that I am not normal. The reason he feels that I am not normal is that I have no stimulation in my nipples, find my clit to be almost extreme in stimulation and don't enjoy the way he fingers me. I have been going out of my way to make his sexual experiences better in finding all of his erogenous zones, make up sex games, give him oral at least 4-6 times a week and listen to what he wants. I feel that half the problem lies in the student not wanting to learn. Am I wrong in this???? Any suggestions or comments?


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## cantletgo

First of all, you aren't abnormal, he is. I am having severe issues with my husband, and can say a lot of things, but at least he has always been willing to discuss and learn about what makes me feel good. How is he with other kinds of communication? He needs to understand that all women are different and enjoy being touched in different ways. I would just let him know that you love being with him and that you want to always strive to make your sex lives better, make him understand you aren't judging or criticizing him, just trying to let him know what makes you feel good. As for the other issues, I am with you on the porn. It never got in the way of our sex lives, until he decided he didn't love me anymore and slept with someone he met on a porn site. Just tyring to say that internet porn can be dangerous, especially social networking sites. Seems like you all have more than this issue to work through and I wish you all the best. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful


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## dlily

His communication skills are lacking in talking about emotional and relational issues. And yet he does most of the talking in our day-to-day conversations. If I do talk then he tends to get aggressive or take what I say wrong. I feel like I have spent the last 10 years trying to show this man that I love him, am committed to him and that I want to please him but it just isn't enough.


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## Bluemoon7

I'm sorry that he makes you feel abnormal and that he isn't willing to learn what pleases you. He probably says that because then he doesn't have to admit that he can't please you. If I were you, I would tell him that he hurts you and that if he isn't willing to work on pleasing you, then you are not interested in having sex with him. Harsh yes, but that's how I would be. Sex should be mutually enjoyable or it's not worth the time and effort, IMO. I was sexually unsatisfied/frustrated for many years because I had a hard time communicating what I liked. (I was frustrated and didn't want to hurt his feelings.) But luckily my H listened and we now have an amazing sex life. I went from being mostly uninterested and having sex once a week, to being all over him on a regular basis. It's worth discussion. Just my $0.02.


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## Freak On a Leash

Bluemoon7 said:


> I'm sorry that he makes you feel abnormal and that he isn't willing to learn what pleases you. He probably says that because then he doesn't have to admit that he can't please you. If I were you, I would tell him that he hurts you and that if he isn't willing to work on pleasing you, then you are not interested in having sex with him. Harsh yes, but that's how I would be. Sex should be mutually enjoyable or it's not worth the time and effort


:iagree: I winced reading the original post. I wouldn't be into sleeping with a man that treated me like that. 

Sex is supposed to be about MUTUAL pleasure. You want to make the other person feel happy and satisfied. If you are communicating to him that what he is doing is uncomfortable and downright painful then he should be wanting to rectify the situation, not looking to make you feel worse by berating you and tearing you apart emotionally. 

It's important though that you communicate to him in a way that doesn't make him feel as if he's "lacking" or undesirable, but that you'd prefer that things be be done differently..more gently. 

I find that instead of using the word "You" the words "I" and "me" seems to smooth things over... 

For example "You are doing that wrong" will make someone feel defensive and angry. If you say "I'd really prefer.." or "It would make me happy if" then it gives the impression that you are trying to work with your partner, instead of attack him. 

I don't know how open you are but you can also "show" your husband exactly what you like by doing it to yourself why he watches or guiding his hand. Try and be playful and kind, instead of accusatory. This is a pretty delicate situation as no one likes to feel as if they are bad at lovemaking. With some, it's directly tied to their ego so you need to tread lightly. 

Sounds like you could use a bit of lubrication (as in KY jellies or those warming lotions) as well. Sounds like your husband needs to work on his foreplay. I've heard about men like this, fortunately I've never had to deal with it. Good luck.


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## mva

dlily said:


> I have never posted before. I feel embarrassed to be doing so but I am at the end of my rope. My husband won't (or can't) talk to me and I need some sort of connection or communication with someone. I feel very alone and confused right now.
> 
> Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs. I have always been the steady and safe one. My husband on the other hand has dabbled in the following throughout our 10 years of marriage...porn (excessively), alcohol, pot (a few times), and a one night stand. He seems to feel that I am not like other women and makes me feel weird and abnormal. Not to sound high on myself, but I know that I am attractive, smart and a catch. I wish that he would tell me those things more.
> 
> Anyway...tonight an issue arose. He decided that he wanted to go down on me and finger me. I didn't mind his mouth on me but he has no timing or clue when it comes to fingering me. He just does the in and out motion and expects it will feel good. I have learned not to say anything because when I do he gets angry, shuts down and punishes me. Sometimes, however, like tonight it hurts me and I physically grimace. Tonight was one of those nights. Sitting here typing now I am feeling vaginal pain from it. I tried to tell him that if he could work more around the entrance it would feel better. He gets so frustrated and angry though. Long story short he refused to talk to me about it and tells me that I am a bad teacher and that I am not normal. The reason he feels that I am not normal is that I have no stimulation in my nipples, find my clit to be almost extreme in stimulation and don't enjoy the way he fingers me. I have been going out of my way to make his sexual experiences better in finding all of his erogenous zones, make up sex games, give him oral at least 4-6 times a week and listen to what he wants. I feel that half the problem lies in the student not wanting to learn. Am I wrong in this???? Any suggestions or comments?



Its seems from his actions he is not normal or hungry for sex cruely, you cannot be ready for it all the time, if you are not ready or not in a mood don't allow to finger, just keep it tight or sit somewhere in a position that you cannot open your vagina, then he will try something else and move away. You have to show that it pains for everybody and you are also a human, now onwards you should arouse him and try to insert something in his hole slowing and then press, then he will understand that it will hurt everybody. Regarding your nipples massage it with some oil everyday before shower and put some jelly or jam which he likes before going to bed, if he touches, try to slowly rub in his face and allow him to suck. I was also having your similar problem my Hb was putting first small objects then slowly something big it really hurts me, one day when he was putting toy in my vagina I aroused him and he inserted along with it, when the toy was hurting he want to take out, since I was on top I did not allow and went on for some time purposely to let him know it hurts everbody, I had bleeding for few days, but managed it with tampons. You should smoothly change the things in your favour, since they are just penetrating so they don't no the pain. You should apply some pain releiver around vaginal area and see that your body is ok, regular hurt may result in infection as well, wash it properly and do some regular exercise.


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