# Is staying in lousy marriage an undocumented mental illness?



## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

Is staying in an absurdly lousy marriage an undocumented mental illness? 

What reward is there for tolerating complete misery as the better choice than any of your other less miserable options?

Gee whiz, there is a litany of horrible marriages described here that I would not wish on anyone. 

There are some understandable reasons for trying super hard sure but beating a dead horse silly? WTF?

Take a look at the section of this linked page labeled 

"Vaillant's categorization of defence mechanisms" and tell me there isn't a whole lot of Level 1 defence mechanisms going on in the joint. 

Defence mechanisms - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

defense.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It could be. I certainly stayed too long and I think that was dysfunctional. And I wasn't a masochist - it just appeared that I was!

However, if it is a mental illness, there are many people on TAM who should be institutionalized.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Commitment is a wonderful trait that more people need. At least in my situation though, the commitment wasn't a problem it was not dealing with the issues earlier.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

lenzi said:


> defense.


Defence and defense are different spellings of the same word. Defense is preferred in American English, and defence is preferred in all other main varieties of English, including Australian, British, and Canadian English. The spelling distinction extends to most derivatives of defence/defense, including defences/defenses and defenceless/defenseless. But the words defensive, defensiveness, and defensively have an s everywhere

Take it up with Wikipedia right after you get a life.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

YupItsMe said:


> Defence and defense are different spellings of the same word. Defense is preferred in American English, and defence is preferred in all other main varieties of English, including Australian, British, and Canadian English. The spelling distinction extends to most derivatives of defence/defense, including defences/defenses and defenceless/defenseless. But the words defensive, defensiveness, and defensively have an s everywhere
> 
> Take it up with Wikipedia right after you get a life.


I "liked" your post then I read the part where you told me to get a life and then I "unliked" it.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Joe Cool said:


> Is staying in an absurdly lousy marriage an undocumented mental illness?
> 
> What reward is there for tolerating complete misery as the better choice than any of your other less miserable options?
> 
> ...


Yes especially for people like me who know that any change will cause them much grief so they put up with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some recent studies have shown that abusive relationships cause the abused person's body to produce the same brain chemicals as a good relationship.. lots of oxytocin, dopamine, etc.

Oxytocin is often called the amnesia hormone... it makes people see things through rose colored glasses.. they forget the bad part very easily. An example of this is that when women give birth their bodies produce large amounts of oxytocin... it helps to numb the memory of the pain of child birth. I've heard speculated that without oxytocin, there would never be a second child.

They found that a child who grows up in an abusive situation is more likely to produced these chemicals in large amounts when in an abusive relationship as an adult. Basically it's learned behavior enhanced by brain chemicals that make a person gloss over or forget the magnitude of the bad and emphasize the good. 

A lot of people in abusive relationships say that when it's bad, it's bad but when its good it's over the top good. that's Oxytocin speaking.


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## Ruth319 (Mar 31, 2015)

This is so true. I'm waking up from a long time of denial. I grew up being abused and, weirdly, did not see it in my marriage until I was suicidal. I went into therapy and am praying my spouse will respond to therapy so we can have a healthy relationship. 
I think another reason we put blinders on is we think we can't survive on our own since our confidence has been totally undermined. We then make the best of a bad situation and do our best to fly under our spouses radar.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I know in many situations, a spouse will stay in an unhealthy relationship because the fear of all of the resultant changes is greater than the pain of remaining...so many will choose to stay because of fear of the unknown. 

Also, such as in the case of infidelity...a spouse will be so shell-shocked and go into survival mode, that they often make quick decisions to hold the marriage together as a matter of safety-seeking, not really factoring in the emotional turmoil. 

I don't know if these would qualify as mental illnes, but prolonging these situations that lead to arrested development can certainly create a mental break.


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## What Are My Options (Mar 28, 2015)

I would say "staying in a lousy marriage often leads to mental illnesses that then makes it more difficult to leave and staying increases the severity of that mental illness in a downward spiral sort of way resulting in a spouse ending up a painful and unsatisfying subset of their former self"


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

I always believed the heirarchy is miserable marriage is the worst, then single, then happily married. Laughed so hard at the title of the post though. There should be a scientific name for this type of illness...


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## Alrighty then (Apr 29, 2015)

Jeffyboy said:


> There should be a scientific name for this type of illness...


There is. 

mortgaged parent


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I think my slight depression definitely perpetuated me staying... but for me, I wasn't thinking "well staying miserable is better than nothing" but rather I was thinking "things will get better if I work harder at it." I kept hoping for better. And that's why I stayed. I thought patience, loyalty, and love would pay off. It didn't.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think it can be. Some people are predisposed to picking bad partners and seeking out bad situations. It think most of us can think of that person we know who just seems to go from bad to worse in their lives. Those types will likely stay and even go down with the ship.
For the rest I think there are typically more factors involved. "Kids" is the big one. You stay because you want to protect them from the PS (that's psycho spouse  or because you don't want to be cut out of at least half of their childhood.
There's also the "death by a thousand cuts" element. Often the lousy marriage doesn't happen over night but gradually over years. You slowly subvert yourself little by little until one day, maybe, you wake up and think omg I'm in a lousy marriage. I must be mentally ill


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## Gator_doc (May 4, 2015)

Ruth319 said:


> This is so true. I'm waking up from a long time of denial. I grew up being abused and, weirdly, did not see it in my marriage until I was suicidal. I went into therapy and am praying my spouse will respond to therapy so we can have a healthy relationship.
> I think another reason we put blinders on is we think we can't survive on our own since our confidence has been totally undermined. We then make the best of a bad situation and do our best to fly under our spouses radar.


If you are being abused to the point of thinking of taking your life then you should consider leaving. Have you considered that the abuse was going both ways? Maybe you were emotionally abusing your husband because of the abuse you suffered as a child? I only ask because I just recently figured out that my wife has been emotionally abusing me for years, to the point that I too have seriously considered suicide. 

I did not see the abuse for what it was because when the pain became too much, I would numb the pain with alcohol. I know, not good, but at the time I did not think I had any other options. 

She has ridiculed me, called me fat/bloated toad, made fun of me to include making fun of me to our children and has emotionally distanced herself from me when I needed her the most. Some or all of it may be due to poor communication, I hope that can be fixed. I would really not like to think she was intentionally abusing me emotionally, but I don’t know as she is closed-off and refuses to discuss it. She prefers, it seems, to blame me for all of her problems/issues.

We have tried MC but in the sessions, her body language suggests she thinks MC is a waste of time. We have tried five different counselors for MC in the past five years. We have never had more than four sessions with any of them before my wife called it quits on the sessions or the counselor did not think it was worth his time (I believe based on my wife’s non-verbals) and ushered us out of his office in less than ten minutes. The last counselor we tried was good but she moved away. My wife has agreed to try faith-based MC again after we move this summer. I hope and pray she does not change her mind when we get there. 

I love my wife dearly, but it is hard some of the time because it feels like she is pushing me away with both hands. We have to break the cycle of abuse/counter-abuse to get out of this downward spiral. If my wife reads this, maybe it will sink in because so far she does not seem to be listening to what I am trying to tell her. Sorry for the long reply.


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