# Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?



## Almost-Done

I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her. 

I just wish I could forget about it all.


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## areenhaque26

Almost-Done said:


> I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.
> 
> I just wish I could forget about it all.


It's because we never get married with the intention that divorce might be an option. You dream and plan your life and future with that person and when somewhere in life you have to make the decision of divorce and follow through with it, you feel like you failed. All I can tell you is that initially it's hard because you'll reminisce all the good times you had together and then you'll keep justifying to yourself why you got a divorce in the first place. Don't bottle up your emotions and don't feel bad about what you did. Some marriages aren't supposed to work out and some of us are destined to be married more than once. Just remember one thing- time is great healer. 

Wish you all the best 

Areen


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## Herschel

Because it's hard to be angry at someone who you think has issues (broken). You feel guilty for not staying in it to help them and you likely feeling bad that you couldn't help her.

None of it is your fault, but your feelings are normal.


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## Hope1964

Almost-Done said:


> I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.
> 
> I just wish I could forget about it all.


I hung onto my first marriage for years past it's best before date because of parental guilt. I'd been raised in a strict religious household where divorce was a dirty nasty unheardof word, and I really thought it was my duty as a wife to shut up and put up. Especially since I had run away from home at 16 to be with the guy.


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## Openminded

Some people have trouble holding onto the memory of what made them divorce. 

She may try to stay in your life since she's not doing such a great job on her own. Be very careful or you could wind up back in the middle of that.


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## Openminded

Don't respond if she tries to contact you (as she no doubt will). You were her KISA but those days are gone and she needs to figure out her life without your help. 

Time is really the only thing that helps get past this. Tell yourself every day that you're better at moving on than you were the day before. One day you'll reach the point of indifference. It's a wonderful feeling.


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## arbitrator

Almost-Done said:


> I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.
> 
> I just wish I could forget about it all.


*Because whenever we either engage into a mutually satisfying relationship, or we come to marry, the " high" of the mystical euphoria of having found "the one," that we feel that we absolutely cannot live without, far overrides any of our doubts!

Even after the inevitability of the crap hitting the fan, we still somehow cling fastly to that false, but otherwise comforting premonition!*


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## Diana7

Maybe you feel that you have failed, these things take time to heal.


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## Almost-Done

Hope1964 said:


> I hung onto my first marriage for years past it's best before date because of parental guilt. I'd been raised in a strict religious household where divorce was a dirty nasty unheardof word, and I really thought it was my duty as a wife to shut up and put up. Especially since I had run away from home at 16 to be with the guy.


Felt similiar and wanted to just push through. Said it will get better, it got worse. It is true when they said misery loves company. I became as miserable as her. She's used to be so happy and positive. I wish I know WTF happened. I know I probably never will. I made mistakes, and apologized. However, it's a bit hard for me to apologize for being in the hospital and family deaths. 



Openminded said:


> Some people have trouble holding onto the memory of what made them divorce.
> 
> She may try to stay in your life since she's not doing such a great job on her own. Be very careful or you could wind up back in the middle of that.
> 
> Don't respond if she tries to contact you (as she no doubt will). You were her KISA but those days are gone and she needs to figure out her life without your help.
> 
> Time is really the only thing that helps get past this. Tell yourself every day that you're better at moving on than you were the day before. One day you'll reach the point of indifference. It's a wonderful feeling.


Doubtful. We've not spoken or conversed in almost a year. I do not think I'd be able to handle her again as she just will bring me down. Heck, I recall, when we were on good terms, I was offered a executive level job at her place of work, she threatened to quit. I should had known then there was something wrong with her. 



arbitrator said:


> *Because whenever we either engage into a mutually satisfying relationship, or we come to marry, the " high" of the mystical euphoria of having found "the one," that we feel that we absolutely cannot live without, far overrides any of our doubts!
> 
> Even after the inevitability of the crap hitting the fan, we still somehow cling fastly to that false, but otherwise comforting premonition!*


So true and agreed.



Diana7 said:


> Maybe you feel that you have failed, these things take time to heal.


Yes, agreed. I feel it is my fault that I wasn't able to fix our marriage. When, in fact, a marriage is a partnership and both people need to want to fix the marriage. It seemed she just cared to piss and moan to her parents and friends. Yet, when I brought the issues up, I cannot talk to you about it. ??? How was I supposed to work with that? I've been doubting myself and my abilities ever since. To say she's changed me in my personal life, and not in a good way, is an understatement. I offered her love, trust, honesty, respect, roof over her head, medical insurance, cooking dinners near daily, cleaning up and a potential for a family. Tried to be her best friend, was treated like a bitter enemy. There are ups and downs in all marriages, but the lows just continued to get lower. So, now, I question my every move. It's a horrible feeling.


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## arbitrator

Almost-Done said:


> I've been doubting myself and my abilities ever since. To say she's changed me in my personal life, and not in a good way, is an understatement. I offered her love, trust, honesty, respect, roof over her head, medical insurance, cooking dinners near daily, cleaning up and a potential for a family. Tried to be her best friend, was treated like a bitter enemy. There are ups and downs in all marriages, but the lows just continued to get lower. So, now, I question my every move. It's a horrible feeling.


*Join the crowd! I know exactly how you feel! 

Truth be told, I'll probably be doing the same thing until the day I die!*


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## Almost-Done

arbitrator said:


> *Join the crowd! I know exactly how you feel!
> 
> Truth be told, I'll probably be doing the same thing until the day I die!*


At least I am not the only one who feels this way.


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## Satya

I think you should redirect your thoughts to why you don't think you deserve or are worthy of a healthier, less toxic relationship.


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## Almost-Done

Satya said:


> I think you should redirect your thoughts to why you don't think you deserve or are worthy of a healthier, less toxic relationship.


Agreed. Working on it. Always put others before myself. Seems I've always been in survival mode.


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## Satya

It goes back to the classic: How can you care for others when you can't care for yourself?

I understand. I do... as a person once always wanting to help others. My focus had to change and once it did, all those feelings of guilt were put into perspective.


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## Almost-Done

Satya said:


> It goes back to the classic: How can you care for others when you can't care for yourself?
> 
> I understand. I do... as a person once always wanting to help others. My focus had to change and once it did, all those feelings of guilt were put into perspective.


100% agree. This was why I filed for divorce. It killed me to do it as I hate leaving someone behind and "hurting". However, I finally realized I cannot fix everything on my own. If she wanted to work on us, then that is what she could had done. No luck. Wouldn't talk to me, said it was too hard to talk to me about us. Then blocked me from going to therapy, wouldn't talk about us with her or my family, wouldn't speak to a preacher or go to a couples retreat. My last ditched effort was purchasing us a few books to read and do exercises with. She laughed at me and said books aren't going to help us. Offered legal separation, she refused. She moved out, refused to talk to me. Filed for divorce and haven't heard anything since. 

Believe you me, it's totally changed my mindset on relationships. I hope to think she was the exception, not the rule, but not sure. I dated someone last Fall, and it was fine for a few months. Then she got demanding and mean. Dropped her fast. I am now looking for similar tell tale signs from my ex-wife. This cannot be the norm. Or, maybe it is. I just don't know anymore. Yes, I've seen a therapist (wife, at that time, laughed at me when I told her I was going to one. Then, when I kicked her out, she offered to come. Then went silent on me. Very confusing). I was told I was hurt very deeply by her (no kidding) and my ability to trust another woman on a relationship level was scared. 

All in all, it's sad.


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## Satya

When you find a person with healthy boundaries, strong self image, good maturity, and open communication the difference is like night and day. Your experiences will fine tune your perception of others. It can be an eye opening and yes, sad experience, but you'll have a better notion of where you stand.


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## Lostinthought61

Unfortunately there are a lot of angry people out there and sadly the older you get the more you will find, and for a host of reason, either they never got he life they wanted, they still angry at a ex spouse, they are angry at themselves, at their family, kids, you name it...and the worse part they blame everyone but themselves. you want to find the right person, find the person who chose to blame themselves and does something about it....if your having a conversation with someone new and they start talking about how they were treated by this one and that one....run away....the are angry and they want to stay that way.


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## Wolf1974

Almost-Done said:


> I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many *months* ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.
> 
> I just wish I could forget about it all.


This,

Months is nothing, especially if you were married for awhile. It might take years before you are totally past this. You need to give yourself time and be patient


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## Almost-Done

I understand completely, it's just a really hard pill to swallow. How someone could be an angel and everything you could ask for in a spouse, to a person who cannot stand you and resents you. Why? Well, depends on day and reasonings in her mind. I actually have her on VAR changing her stories near daily just to receive, it seems, sympathy from friends and family while painting me as a horrid person. Not a bad person, a horrid evil person. Why? That day, she dreaded going inside for dinner. I made her a three course meal which had always been her favorite. I will never understand.. This cannot be all because of a mid-life crisis 40. Just very hard to imagine I married one person, and less than two years later, she turned my life into a living hell where I always felt boxed into a corner. Very sad. It shouldn't of been this way. The heavens know I tried my best to turn things around... She did claim I would never leave because I couldn't stand failure and to give up. She was right, it killed me to throw in the preverbal towel. Never gave up on anything before. The word failure, up until then, wasn't in my vocabulary.


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## Almost-Done

Think you guys may know my ex-wife better than me. She did reach out. I thought she was blocked, but I guess it expires after awhile. I didn't reply, then she continued. Said whatever, and then a few hours later, she said she only stayed with me because she thought she gave me a incurable bacterium. She did have it, didn't disclose it to me ever until I started to have issues right after dating. She then disclosed it, I was tested and it came back positive. It can be managed, but not cured. Anyway, for the last few years I kept on getting retested because the symptom only appeared one time, and they've been negative ever since. Each time I was tested, I told her it was negative, she would say see. After five years, the doctor finally told me it was a false positive. I told her that and she flipped out. Interestingly enough, she told others that I never gotten retested yet I always shown her the results. ??? 

It's truly would truly be a shame that she only stayed with me because of that. I just think she's pissed that she was planning on divorcing me when she was ready, not when I pushed the envelope and filed. I am told women hate that and that they get very nasty. It was never my intension. She told the world she wanted out, but told me different. I gave her what she and her actions told me she wanted. No need to hit below the belt after the deed is done.


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## 3Xnocharm

If you have no children, dont interact with her any more, and make sure she really is blocked this time. She sounds like a real piece of work.


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## Almost-Done

3Xnocharm said:


> If you have no children, dont interact with her any more, and make sure she really is blocked this time. She sounds like a real piece of work.


Don't plan too. I blocked the number again. Apparently, without a restraining order, Verizon requires you to renew your number blocks every 90 days. Since a restraining order could jeopardize her job, I will not do that. I am not the evil person she tells everyone that I am. No angel, but not evil. 

It's like a completely different woman. Pure venom in her veins. Not sure why. She got what she wanted. Very weird. I am concerned I will pick wrong again.


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## jb02157

Almost-Done said:


> At least I am not the only one who feels this way.


I figure the same thing is true for those who wish they got divorced early on and didn't for whatever reason....except for the time heals wounds part. In alot of ways you still have to put with all the BS that almost made you leave, and you wonder whether it would have been harder to deal with losing as much as you would have lost in a divorce. I think about the practically every day. In so many ways I beat myself up for putting myself in the position I'm in now.


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## Almost-Done

jb02157 said:


> I figure the same thing is true for those who wish they got divorced early on and didn't for whatever reason....except for the time heals wounds part. In alot of ways you still have to put with all the BS that almost made you leave, and you wonder whether it would have been harder to deal with losing as much as you would have lost in a divorce. I think about the practically every day. In so many ways I beat myself up for putting myself in the position I'm in now.


All-in-all, it cost $44k in legal fees, 9.6k in medical premiums, nearly all the wedding gifts, all the wedding cash to exit a 2 year marriage. I used my baby fund to pay for the divorce. How ironic, I was going to show it to her once she was pregnant so she could take as much time off as needed to recoup from the pregnancy. So much for good deeds. Remember, I'm the evil one.

I am terrified about marriage again. It will never happen. Her lawyer attempted to go after my assets, that was shot down very fast. Ironically, since she wanted to keep all assets separate, that shot her in the foot for any marital disbursements; which made her pissed off. She and her POS parents had to cover the legal bills, rental bills, etc. She, now at 44, has little retirement, zero financial security, maybe 30k in savings and working 6t days a week to make ends meet. But hey, at least she's away from the big evil husband # 2. Apparently, husband # 1 was just mean and angry, I'm just evil. Go figure.


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## Haiku

Almost-Done said:


> I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.
> 
> I just wish I could forget about it all.


I came to realize the following. It applied to my situation. 

Just because something hurts doesn't necessarily mean it isn't the right thing to do. It's ok to feel sadness. It means we're normal. If it continues too long or interferes with your daily life you might consider talking with a profession.


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## jb02157

Almost-Done said:


> All-in-all, it cost $44k in legal fees, 9.6k in medical premiums, nearly all the wedding gifts, all the wedding cash to exit a 2 year marriage. I used my baby fund to pay for the divorce. How ironic, I was going to show it to her once she was pregnant so she could take as much time off as needed to recoup from the pregnancy. So much for good deeds. Remember, I'm the evil one.
> 
> I am terrified about marriage again. It will never happen. Her lawyer attempted to go after my assets, that was shot down very fast. Ironically, since she wanted to keep all assets separate, that shot her in the foot for any marital disbursements; which made her pissed off. She and her POS parents had to cover the legal bills, rental bills, etc. She, now at 44, has little retirement, zero financial security, maybe 30k in savings and working 6t days a week to make ends meet. But hey, at least she's away from the big evil husband # 2. Apparently, husband # 1 was just mean and angry, I'm just evil. Go figure.


I'm sorry to hear all of this. I've always said that once I'm rid of my current marriage (if that ever happens) I'll never do it again. I'm interested to hear how you stopped her from going after your personal assets since that's really the only thing stopping me from divorcing my wife. Are these assets you had before getting married? If so how were you able to show that? I totally know how you feel, I'm always called the evil one and that I do everything wrong. I've had to stop her more than once from totally destroying us financially. It would be great to see just how long she would last if we got divorced without me coming to the rescue all the time.


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## Almost-Done

Haiku said:


> I came to realize the following. It applied to my situation.
> 
> Just because something hurts doesn't necessarily mean it isn't the right thing to do. It's ok to feel sadness. It means we're normal. If it continues too long or interferes with your daily life you might consider talking with a profession.


I am told, if it doesn't hurt and it isn't difficult, then it's not worth doing. Is the divorce effecting my day to day livelihood? No, not at all. I have too many people that count on me for work as well as personal family. I was seeing a professional for about a year. I was told I was able to make great progress and I am fine. I am just very deeply hurt by the betrayal of my ex-wife and the failure of my marriage. Still having trouble coming to grips as to why she turned into another person. I do not handle failure well. I am usually able to turn things around. The problem here is I needed her to actually want to turn things around. It's just a very hard pill to swallow. On dates, I now question what the woman's motivation is. Is it just $$$ and security? Boy, things have changed in 10 years. Very sad state where everyone seems to be out for themselves. I always put others ahead of me. However, if the partnership is dead, like my marriage was, I will end it. There is no need to continue to try on working on issues when only one person is trying to address the marital issues and the other is complaining to anyone who will listen; but won't address the issues with her husband.


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## Almost-Done

jb02157 said:


> I'm sorry to hear all of this. I've always said that once I'm rid of my current marriage (if that ever happens) I'll never do it again. I'm interested to hear how you stopped her from going after your personal assets since that's really the only thing stopping me from divorcing my wife. Are these assets you had before getting married? If so how were you able to show that? I totally know how you feel, I'm always called the evil one and that I do everything wrong. I've had to stop her more than once from totally destroying us financially. It would be great to see just how long she would last if we got divorced without me coming to the rescue all the time.


She refused to sign a pre-nup, which should had been my first glance of the issues ahead. No problem. I moved all my assets and ownership into an irrevocable trust. Anything we received in the marriage (wedding gifts, cash, etc.) I gave to her with no fight. I used her own words and suggestions against her. She said her parents and therapist suggest we try a trial separation. No problem, I agreed. She was shocked. Then, I just pushed to get her the heck out of the home. Waited 120 days, tried to reconcile and work on our marriage, she refused. No problem, filed for the divorce. Since she vacated the home on her on voluntarily, she gave up her right to stay in the marital home. She POS lawyer tried to go after the home, but again, it was in a trust, untouchable. We also never commingled any money. Basically, she thought she had me wrapped around her finger. Not a chance. Still hurts and I didn't see it falling so quickly. With this BS no-fault divorce and either spouse being able to take the other spouses assets one needs to protect themselves. One can challenge a pre-nup. One cannot challenge an irrevocable trust if done significantly ahead of time. I did it prior to our engagement. The only way to change things during a marriage would be a post-nup, however, there is always the chance she can state that she signed it in duress. Everything depends on the state in which you live. Perhaps meet with a divorce and estate attorney to better give you a rundown of your options.

Financially, my ex-wife is wreck. I feel bad, but I did give her the option to sign a self settled divorce package for 200.00. She took the papers and threw them back at me. There is no way to protect against legal fees. She spent somewhere between 12k - 15k for the defense. It hurt her more than me. She's apparently very depressed and has turned into an introvert. If she would had worked on us, maybe things would be different. However, she always thought she was an independent woman who doesn't need anyone. Now, she's independent and is being crushed financially by her own doing. I've always tried to tell her to live on a budget, she laughed at me. Well, one reaps what they sow. They say you truly find out the person who you marry during the divorce. She or her attorney attempted to go after my assets, failed. Attempted to extend my medical insurance into 2017, failed. I guess they both felt I was a moron or an imbecile. Not sure. She has a really high pension and 401k along with an nice sized investment account. Against legal advice and family, I didn't go after a thing. Not looking to hurt her, she's doing fine with that all by herself. I just wanted out of the contract.

She's not a bad person, but easily swayed by others. I have no doubt she'll find another man. She's quite attractive and has a good head on her shoulders. However, her true personality sucks.


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## jb02157

Almost-Done said:


> She refused to sign a pre-nup, which should had been my first glance of the issues ahead. No problem. I moved all my assets and ownership into an irrevocable trust. Anything we received in the marriage (wedding gifts, cash, etc.) I gave to her with no fight. I used her own words and suggestions against her. She said her parents and therapist suggest we try a trial separation. No problem, I agreed. She was shocked. Then, I just pushed to get her the heck out of the home. Waited 120 days, tried to reconcile and work on our marriage, she refused. No problem, filed for the divorce. Since she vacated the home on her on voluntarily, she gave up her right to stay in the marital home. She POS lawyer tried to go after the home, but again, it was in a trust, untouchable. We also never commingled any money. Basically, she thought she had me wrapped around her finger. Not a chance. Still hurts and I didn't see it falling so quickly. With this BS no-fault divorce and either spouse being able to take the other spouses assets one needs to protect themselves. One can challenge a pre-nup. One cannot challenge an irrevocable trust if done significantly ahead of time. I did it prior to our engagement. The only way to change things during a marriage would be a post-nup, however, there is always the chance she can state that she signed it in duress. Everything depends on the state in which you live. Perhaps meet with a divorce and estate attorney to better give you a rundown of your options.
> 
> Financially, my ex-wife is wreck. I feel bad, but I did give her the option to sign a self settled divorce package for 200.00. She took the papers and threw them back at me. There is no way to protect against legal fees. She spent somewhere between 12k - 15k for the defense. It hurt her more than me. She's apparently very depressed and has turned into an introvert. If she would had worked on us, maybe things would be different. However, she always thought she was an independent woman who doesn't need anyone. Now, she's independent and is being crushed financially by her own doing. I've always tried to tell her to live on a budget, she laughed at me. Well, one reaps what they sow. They say you truly find out the person who you marry during the divorce. She or her attorney attempted to go after my assets, failed. Attempted to extend my medical insurance into 2017, failed. I guess they both felt I was a moron or an imbecile. Not sure. She has a really high pension and 401k along with an nice sized investment account. Against legal advice and family, I didn't go after a thing. Not looking to hurt her, she's doing fine with that all by herself. I just wanted out of the contract.
> 
> She's not a bad person, but easily swayed by others. I have no doubt she'll find another man. She's quite attractive and has a good head on her shoulders. However, her true personality sucks.


Wow, it's great that you protected yourself so thoroughly. I should have done the same. If I had I wouldn't have to still be in a bad marriage. I was a young stupid kid and didn't know any better.


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## Almost-Done

jb02157 said:


> Wow, it's great that you protected yourself so thoroughly. I should have done the same. If I had I wouldn't have to still be in a bad marriage. I was a young stupid kid and didn't know any better.


I take little pride in this. It was basically insurance that I thought I'd never have to use. Hence, I fought like hell for marriage. I do find it very odd that she would tell others and me that she's trying, but does nothing. Then, when I take her up on her offer for separation and to move out, she was shocked. Was it a threat? She would often say her first husband would beg and plead for her to stay, nothing like that from me. The door is revolving. I want you to stay and work on us if YOU want to stay and work on us. Seems like an entitlement issue. She certainly has self-esteem issues. I've always tried to build them up, but she'd break them down on her own. I just hope she is able to find herself. Though, she's very stubborn, so doubtful.


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