# Fighting resentment, questioning marriage



## sunshine111 (Jun 29, 2012)

Looking for advice, a voice of reason, ideas how to look differently at my
situation:
My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for ten.
We have two young children that are not in school yet. My problem is that
I am full of resentment towards him. I feel like he leaves everything up me:
Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, taking care of the house (I'm the plumber,
handyman, electrician), the yard (sometimes he mowes the lawn after I nag him enough).
I have to take care of our social life and everything that has to be organized
for our kids, e.g. daycare. For example, when he drives to work he passes my daughter's preschool and
daycare, but he does not want to drop them off. I work from home and it takes me 45 minutes to get back 
home to start working. We leave the house at the same time.

He is constantly looking at his phone. If he joins
us at the dinner or breakfast table, his phone is with him and he is using it at least part of 
dinner/meal. If we go to the store
to go grocery shopping, he reads his phone standing there with the cart instead
of helping me get the groceries. 

He tells me that he would do the laundry,
but since I have special requests for taking out certain clothes before
putting the rest in the dryer, that it is too complicated and he would rather
only wash his own clothes. 

We fight a lot over stupid things. We basically can't
discuss anything without us getting into a fight. 

He is a terrible morning person.
He acknowledges that sometimes, but does not apologize for things he says that
are totally out of line. When we fight, he calls me "*****" or similar, and
that is something that I absolutely can't stand. 

Things were not great, but
okay before we had children. But starting with having our first child, things
started to decline. He didn't help much with my daughter until she was about
6 months old. I was the only one getting up at night while my husband always
got his rest. He absolutely wanted me to go back to work, while we are financially save
with only one income. We had a second child which came with lots of problems
and almost no sleep for me for over a year. No help. The first time she slept three hours
in a row, he thought it was time to have sex, since I got 3 hours of rest. 

He decided it was a great time to take on a new job far away from anyone we know
a month after my second was born. I miss our old home so much, everything about
it. 

Our family values are completely different. It is a huge deal for me
to have meals together. It's not for him. He stays in bed reading his phone on the
weekend instead of having breakfast with us. He doesn't show up for dinner 
because he has to do things on his computer. 

I see a big importance in being
active with the kids, be outside and let them play. He doesn't like the outdoors
and doesn't even let them play in the yard because he would need to be out there.

I have no idea how to get over this resentment I have for him. Are we just a complete mismatch? I also
feel like I am stuck. What would I do if we separated? I don't want to stay
where we are currently living far away from family and friends, but would have to because of the kids and his job.

Are my expectations too high in a partner? I always feel horrible when I listen to other people talking about how life with their partners is, and it seems way more balanced. Yes, a lot of husbands do not cook or clean, but they help out in
other ways. I feel not appreciated and instead of hearing any thanks, I get to hear what I didn't do right, and I am so sick of it :-(


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that you need to get some good long term marriage counseling to sort this out. Before you go, write down what you feel is reasonable for him to do and you to do. Hopefully with a 
qualified third party, you will be able to work through all this and get back on track.


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## sunshine111 (Jun 29, 2012)

That sounds right. He doesn't want to go to counselling, unfortunately. I get the impression that he thinks that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing, and the fighting is just because of my sensitivity.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What nationality or culture? For a Westerner to act like that he'll need to be +20 Bozo or Mommy's boy..


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

sunshine111 said:


> That sounds right. He doesn't want to go to counselling, unfortunately. I get the impression that he thinks that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing, and the fighting is just because of my sensitivity.


Stop feeding him until he puts the phone away. In fact, stop doing anything (except taking good care of the kiddos) until he agrees to third party mediation. 

He may be saying no to counseling because he's sure he's right and it's not necessary. More likely, though, is he knows he's not on solid ground and doesn't want you to have any support in that. I fear his demand for a new job far away may even have been a part of an overall plan to remove you from your support system. 

He's a selfish, controlling, bully. Don't let him get away with that. Can you pick up the kiddos and move back, even temporarily? Can your support system back home help?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Resentment is hard. The problem is even if he starts fixing it now there is a lot of backlog and you are in the negatives. 

I personally have less work now as a single mother than I did before. 

Leaving for you would be tricky like you say, you can't just take the kids too far. 

Sometimes if they know for sure that if things don't change, you are leaving they will make an effort. 
In my experience, a short lived one that slowly goes back to what you have now after the fear goes away. 

I'd love to sound more optimistic. 

If he won't go to counselling, will he do any reading? Relationship needs stuff? 


For temporary, try to find a good mom group to get out a bit and meet more people in the area. Just do things for you. 

Secondly - demand he starts doing more like dropping off at preschool. There is no way you should have to do it if he is going right by there. 

Stop doing any chores that are specifically for him. 
If he doesn't show up for dinner he can make his own. 
No phones at the breakfast table or he doesn't have to eat. 

Get tough. If he wants to act like a child then you will deal with him like one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wow! I didn't know I had a younger twin brother! Seriously, Mrs Oldshirt could have written that word for word when our first child was born. 

I was exactly your husband. We didn't have iphones at that time but if we did, that would have been me in the check out line. I had to stand and read the tabloids instead. 

Many guys are just not cut out to be husbands and fathers that tend to the yard and house and interact on an intimate level with the kids. I should know as I was one of them. 

Mother Nature is kind of cruel to both men and women in a number of ways. The traits, characteristics and behaviors that make attractive to women and make women drop their drawers for them in bars are often the exact same traits and behaviors that make them $h!++y husbands and fathers. 

And the traits and behaviors that make them good husbands, housemates and fathers often make them invisible to single women. 

Now I wish I could tell you a magic phrase or a pertinent discussion you could have with my twin brother that would make him jump into a phone booth (a public telephone that used to exist before cell phones) and put on his SuperDad cape and come out a domestic super hero; but unfortunately there isn't a neat and tidy and clean way of changing him that is painless and without great risk and sacrifice. 

The good news is he can change and I eventually did (to a certain degree)

But the bad news is you are going to have to blow up some things and risk the total collapse of your marriage. 

In my case, my wife did accept a job back home, made arrangments to move in with her parents and reserved the moving truck before she told me and gave me the option of moving back with her. 

I reluctantly agreed to keep our family intact and moved back with her and started looking for a job back home, but I too carried resentments over the change of lifestyle and having to adapt to parenthood. 

It was a long, rough road we ended up seeing a couple different counselors at different times and we were both faced with the very real possibility of divorcing and dealing with two young children and single parenthood in order for us to get our act together and work together as two, responsible adults with minor children. 

We some how managed to stay together but I think at the time it had more to do with neither one of use was quite ready to pull the ejection handle ourselves rather than any sense of deep love and devotion or any deep yearning to be with the kids on my part (she was born and bred to be mother. I was not. )

If there is a silver lining to my saga, it is now that the kids are both teenagers (the youngest just turned 13) I am finally bonding with them and feeling connected to them and am involved in their lives. 

I have never been into little kids and I hate being around babies and toddlers. By all rights I probably never should have had kids at all, but I happened to fall in love with and married a woman that was put on this earth to be a mother. She probably should have married someone else and she has pretty much told me such when the $h!+ was hitting the fan. 

The battle lines have stabilized now and there is usually kind of a reserved calm in the house, but the impacts and scars from the resentments do still remain. 

What eventually woke me up and made me see the light and change my ways was realizing that I really was going to lose my wife and family if I did not start stepping up as a coparent and housemate. 

Cont...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cont....

Now you may not want to hear this but she had to make some concessions and compromises too. 

She did have to come to realize that the world did not revolve around her and the kids and that supporting her childrearing and housekeeping duties were not my sole reason for being either. 

She had to come to grips that just because she carried and bore the offspring, that did not mean that I had to suddenly transform into her domestic servant and assistant babysitter. 

I was still an adult man that worked multiple jobs to support the family and I still had wants and needs that went beyond changing diapers and thawing out bottles of breast milk. 

And trust me, as crappy of a father as I was, I still changed hundreds of diapers and thawed out gallons of breast milk and cleaned up oceans of puke. 

She may have needed the extra support and assistance that a mother of young children needs, but I still needed to be a living and breathing adult male and that meant that I did need to get out and do things that were enjoyable and I still needed the love and intimacy of my mate and that did include in the bedroom. 

In our case, neither of us felt bad enough that we believed we would be better off on our own. AT LEAST NOT AT THE SAME TIME. 

(whenever you ask these couples that have been married 50+ years what their secret is, they almost always say that they never both wanted to get divorced at the same time. I believe this to be a true statement) 

The hard news to hear in your situation is in order to get him to wake up and take your needs seriously, you are probably going to need to blow up his world view and rock him to his core. You may even need to pack up and move out. You may even have to divorce him. 

This will all come down to are you each better off with each other or without each other. 

If your life will be easier and more calmer and more fulfilling without him in it, you may have to divorce. 

If he believes his life will be better and more enjoyable and more fulfilling without you and the kids in it, he will let you go. 

But if both of you come to the realization that you are better off with each other than without, you may have to blow up his world and burn his ships so that he can not return to the old world before he wakes up and takes you seriously.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Cont....
> 
> .
> The hard news to hear in your situation is in order to get him to wake up and take your needs seriously, you are probably going to need to blow up his world view and rock him to his core. You may even need to pack up and move out. You may even have to divorce him.
> ...


And don't think for one moment that if you have to pack up and leave him and file divorce papers on him to wake him up and take you seriously, that that won't make you angry and resentful either. 

...or that he won't be resentful that you turned to terrorist tactics to burst his bubble. 

This is a serious and dire situation and don't fool yourself into thinking it isn't. 

Other than actual abuse, adultery, abandonment or alcoholism/drug addiction - this is as bad as it gets. 

The ray of hope here is some men like this can be turned around and see the light and will step up to the plate. But there are many others that can not or will not.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Have you told him how you feel? What does he say? He does seem disconnected from what your saying.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I don't know why people get like this in marriage. Maybe it's comfort I'm not sure but it's not nice. I think you need to stop being so nice and take a stand. What your asking for isn't too much.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> I don't know why people get like this in marriage. Maybe it's comfort I'm not sure but it's not nice. I think you need to stop being so nice and take a stand. What your asking for isn't too much.


It's not that people "get" like this. 

It's that they don't change and adapt into parenthood once the baby comes. 

In my case I was never into babies or little kids and had no interest in getting into them. I basically wanted to keep living my normal life and keep doin the things I was used to and not do any baby stuff. 

I didn't become an uninvolved slug on the coach, I had always been used to doing nonparental things and wanted to continue doing other things but that wasn't working once the kids came. 

I needed something to break me out of my old life and make me become present and involved in my new life.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> It's not that people "get" like this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This isn't about babies to me. It's about respecting and loving your wife and being her partner.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Well beyond time for a good, old-fashioned "Come to Jesus Meeting!" At which his attendance is more than mandatory! 

Helping to raise those precious children are well within the scope and purview of his job description, no matter how busy that he might be devoting to earning a living!

Sorry, but he has to face that stark reality as a sobering fact of life! *


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sunshine111 said:


> Looking for advice, a voice of reason, ideas how to look differently at my
> situation:
> My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for ten.
> We have two young children that are not in school yet. My problem is that
> ...



Your H sounds selfish and spoiled and checked out of family life. You allowed this to happen by not setting boundaries so he lets you take it all on. It has to get to a point where it is painful for his life if he doesn't help out.
You need to sit him down and talk to him, be factual, no emotions, you are handing 100% of the household and work, and kids. Make a list of all that you do in a typical week or fortnight. Sit him down and tell him how you want help, when and with what. If he agrees and then does not follow through then you cannot do all so something has to give. 
That something will be something you do for him, whether it is his laundry, ironing, etc. Stop doing the plumbing, electrical, etc. If you can manage without it, do not do it, just ensure you take care of the kids' needs. He will soon get the message.
Men like this have to be shown, there is no point in talking. Explain to him that you resent the load, there will be no sex when there is resentment.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> This isn't about babies to me. It's about respecting and loving your wife and being her partner.


Correct.

But this examified my point. To the wife, she thinks if he loves and respects her, then he should be at her side parenting and adulting in partnership with her.

But here is how some men don't connect those dots-

Before the baby came, the reason she loved and admired and desired him was because he worked out two hours a day and was all buff and ripped, he was driven and ambitious in his career and he was the life of the party and could dance and party the night way and drink everyone else under the table to the wee hours of the night. And then he lays the lumber to her in the bedroom and makes her eyes roll up in her head again and again night after night.

Since that is how he attracted her and got her to begin with, that's what he keeps doing that thinking he is a guy. 

He keeps doing what worked before and doesn't make the jump to fatherhood well. 

So he doesn't "get" like that. He just keeps doing what always worked before. 
But the problem is now she needs him at home instead of the gym. She has a babe at home so she's not partying and drinking. And she's too tired and resentful for sex - so now he's kind of lost and drifting trying to find a purpose. 

Some men have a lot trouble transitioning from stud muffin to husband and father. 

Assuming they are a decent guy to begin with, this is one thing that MC can actually help. 

A good MC can help him transition to fatherhood and help her communicate her and help him communicate his so that he still feels like a man and wife and not just an assistant babysitter.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

Oldshirt...thank you for your perspective...

OP- The most important thing you can do is to communicate. Avoid the passive-aggressive power struggle of keeping your care and love away until he does x, y, or z.

You can respectfully set boundaries of what you need to make this family dynamic work. 

A Marriage counselor would be a good mediator to help you both understand each other's perspectives.


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## sunshine111 (Jun 29, 2012)

Westerner and a little bit of mommy's boy maybe.


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## sunshine111 (Jun 29, 2012)

Thanks for everyone's replies. I am pretty frustrated and tired at the moment, and realize that I only listed things that bug me, but didn't mention that he is improving, at least when it comes to taking care of the kids. He started helping me with them in the mornings when I need to get them out of the house. He is also generally a good Daddy and he likes playing with them indoors.

Our biggest problem is communication. I have all but given up to discuss anything with him because we always end up in a fight. 

Thank you, oldshirt, for your long reply. A lot of it is spot on and helps me see his side. He did not like the baby stage much, but he did clean his fair share of bottles. 
He couldn't be farther from the truth about him having to give things up. Yes, he had to stop sleeping in on the weekend when our second was born. I would be happy if he went out with friends or to the gym.


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## sunshine111 (Jun 29, 2012)

Our ongoing struggle concerns his happiness, specifically in his job. We ended up moving from a place that I love and where I have my job, to somewhere we didn't know anyone because he thought he found the right job. After him being depressed about and frustrated with his job for 5 years, I agreed to move. He couldn't possibly know this, but his new job sucks. He comes home frustrated every day. At this point, I feel like I just want to quit. He is a smart person. He could do/be whatever he wants. I can't deal with him being unhappy until another job falls into his lap.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He sounds like a spoiled mamas boy that had everything done for him.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

sunshine111 said:


> Our ongoing struggle concerns his happiness, specifically in his job. We ended up moving from a place that I love and where I have my job, to somewhere we didn't know anyone because he thought he found the right job. After him being depressed about and frustrated with his job for 5 years, I agreed to move. He couldn't possibly know this, but his new job sucks. He comes home frustrated every day. At this point, I feel like I just want to quit. He is a smart person. He could do/be whatever he wants. I can't deal with him being unhappy until another job falls into his lap.


Its not the jobs that make him unhappy.hes the comon denominator. 

Its his personality. He acts at work just like home and his coworkers wise up and start disliking him. If he shirks hie responcibilities at home you can bet you sweet bibby he does at work. Probably does the bare mimimun.

You hve a real gem on your hands. Start standing uo for yourself. Not by yelling and scteaming. But by not doing extras for him.

Tell him your going to counceling yourself and would like him to join you. 


I feel sorry for you. And him he missing some of the best things life has to offer FAMILY 
Its a shame yea it hard ctying kids snoty noses broken lamps stiches pink eye ,no very much sleep or sex lol

Hard to believe but it really is some of the best days of your life. Looking back it felt like long and argious at the time but now I realize it was a flash. And soooooooo important! These kid are learning how to be people they will emuliate everything even your bad habits. Smoking,swearing,attitude ,espicialy the things you try to hide they will pick up everything. So in my humble opinion it is super important to be the best you can be

And quite frankly you husband doesn't make the grade. So what are you going to do about.

Let this asshat be a tremdious influance or tell him wake up and atart being part of this family or I'm out of here . That might be what it takes.

Good luck.

Life is about choices are you going to look back and say I should have acted and then kick yourself


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

He sounds like a selfish prick. I wish I could say just leave his arse. However, I am going through issues in my marriage and leaving is not as easy as it sounds.


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## sunshine111 (Jun 29, 2012)

I would just leave if we didn't have the kids...


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