# Questions from a very non selfish fiance



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Ok...a little out of the norm but as we talked about getting married a year and a half ago..started talking about rings, he said, "Let's do something different and pick out the ring together..I want you to love your ring, and since you have to wear it for the rest of your life..let's do this together."

My future fiance set a price for us (which was waay over what I would have ever expected him to spend!!)...yet we went shopping. I'm not a very "bling" kind of girl nor a very money hungry one either and as I was trying on all these rings, he kept saying, "Can we put a larger diamond in it??"

Yikes!! My hands shook every single time I looked at a wedding set as the prices blew my hair back!!

We narrowed it down to two and of course I chose the smaller of the two. I didn't like the band that came with it so the sale lady said that they could have one custom made, which we were fine with, however my fiance decided to put the band on hold and just pay for my engagement ring which I was more than happy with.

Down the road he and his two children proposed to me in the most beautiful way possible and of course I accepted.

We planned a wedding about a year and a half later since we wanted a wedding his children (and my future step children would remember), along with his family. This is to be my future husband's fourth marriage and since he was afraid his parents and family wouldn't take it seriously..we decided to make a big deal about it since this was to be his biggest marriage..and his last.

I know guys hate planning weddings so I've been doing most of the work myself this last year and a half. In the meantime he had told me that when his bonus came around this last February, that he was going to give me money to help pay off some of the wedding costs, pay off my wedding band, etc.

Never happened. While we were on vacation and staying at my parent's home, he spent nearly every dime he had on making his son and daugher happy (which I can understand as he doesn't get to see them that often as he lives 600 miles away from them as that's where his job has taken him and that's where he makes good money.)

I spent money making sure there was groceries in the house that the kids would enjoy..while every day we went out to eat..went thrift store shopping, etc. All of a sudden his daughter decided to tell him that the last $350 laptop that he'd bought her on our LAST vacation got ruined because it had fallen off her dresser while she was spinning around on the $150 dollar gymnastic pole he'd bought her (that her mom decided to set up in her BEDROOM)...???????, so we again went shopping for yet ANOTHER laptop for her (at the cost of a mere $375!!)

"Oh well," I thought, "there goes the rest of the payment on my wedding band"

I figured we still had time.

Until his next vacation.

He told the kids that he didn't have a whole lot of cash this vacation, while he cashed in some of silver he'd bought at an estate sale. Well, THAT went for things that you can't even imagine like, $25.00 at McDonalds (since they refused to eat from the Dollar Menu..don'tcha know that's horsemeat and the difference between a McDouble and a Double Cheeseburger when the only difference is ONE piece of cheese??); pizza places where we got one big cheese and sausage pizza..yet, "I don't like sausage Dad...can't I just get two pieces of regular cheese along with some bread sticks and two cookies?" (At the beat of $35.00 for THAT trip!!)..Subway..where I thought we could get five dollar footlongs for all of us, yet the kids wanted subs like, "Just cheese and pepperoni" (costing us $7.50 for a specialty sub..along with chips..a soda..and of course..two cookies; along with his daughter wanting, "Just turkey and some cheese" (another $7.50) and "can I get a bag of chips and two cookies too??"

It got better!! We went to a fudge shop and they had candy all over the place. His son wanted his favorite and since it was a unique shop...sure..my fiance digs deep and pays $7.50 A LB. for three lbs of candy!!!! Of course his daughter wants the same so SHE gets three lbs of candy.

$45.00 LATER...Let me tell you...I wanted to throw up!!!!

Granted we all went out to eat at some nice places but it wasn't like we were eating steak or anything. It was just between the fast food, thrift store shopping etc. 

When we finally got home, I said, "Do we have time to go to the jewelers and pay off my wedding band?"

His reply, "I don't have any f* money for that.."

My reply was, "Don't f* yell at me because you don't have any money and don't even get me started!!"

And that's not even the best of it!! My future hubby works tons of hours at his job and pays major child support yet his ex wife never fails to nickle and dime him. A year ago she asked for $150 dollars more a month for expenses or she'd take him back to court so he gave it to her. She's since cried him a river since she says her hubby pays $2200 in child support because his two children are disabled telling him they have no money for school supplies and if my fiance could pay for half of that..she'd leave him alone. Last Christmas she asked him for money for present for the kids since she said that they were broke and that her hubby was unemployed..again paying $2200 in child support..and she couldn't stand for the kids not to have a family Christmas without present (while she told the kids.."I'm sorry Mama can't buy you Christmas presents this year..maybe Daddy can but we just don't have any money.."

What a bunch of crap!!

In addition, she's also asked my fiance for money for gas to drive the kids to US (when it was THERE decision to move two and a half hours away). What makes it even worse is that her hubby lost his job and found a different one...5 hours from where we live..they've moved there..along with the kids..and his ex has again asked him to pay for half their high speed internet since she told him that her current hubby wouldn't..

Oh..and it gets even BETTER!! As since they've moved 5 hours away...they are not only living in a beautiful apartment..but they are ALSO camping in a beautiful campground at the tune of $300.00 A WEEK!!!

The next thing will be school supplies (just like last year where she said they had no money for them), etc.

Where the hell does it end???!

My fiance refuses to argue with her for the simple fact that she threatens to take him to court for even more money since he's gotten a raise a year ago and he fears he'll have to back pay her.

I love him very much but I am also very VERY angry with him and don't want to argue with him about this before our wedding three weeks away, but for the most part, we are broke..even with him making the good money he's making.

The bottom line is, here's how I myself feel:

When he was married to her, she got whatever she wanted..two double wide mobile homes, a house, an engagement ring..a second engagement ring, new furniture whenever she damned well pleased, a $500 cue stick so she could look cool shooting pool, $100 hair color touchups, access to all of his charge cards, etc.

And I can't even get a simple wedding band to go with my engagement ring....

She sold him out bad and took him to the cleaners twice as bad but why, me being the kind of person that doesn't ask for much..if anything...do I have to go without while being taken for granted while his ex wife (that he hates profusely by the way..and just doesn't want to argue with and while I agree that we all just need to get along..)...how come I keep getting the raw end of the deal??


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

This is likely to sound unduly harsh but - I'm uncertain this is likely to change. Your fiancee doesn't regularly see his children, so in my opinion, at least, he assuages some of that guilt by over-indulging them. Including letting them be irresponsible with expensive items, and simply buying them new ones with what I'm guessing was little if any recourse. 

Your fiancee is now picking up the slack to provide not only for his children, but the children of his ex-wife with another man. The OM seems to have no shame in continually allowing this, and the ex-wife probably thinks it is the best thing coming. She has your fiancee paralyzed with fear that he'll be taken for even more. 

If your fiancee is serious about correcting this - he might need to contact a lawyer and discuss this whole mess, discuss the fact that there is a threat about court and increased payments, when he has been making extra payments. Are the children who are disabled receiving state aid of some kind? 

If they are, I'm sure someone might be interested in how that money isn't being used for the children appropriately, given that there's vacations being taken, but basic needs not being taken care of. If not, perhaps someone could look into that possibility, so that your fiancee is not perpetually being held responsible for the new husband's children. 

However, all of that requires that your fiancee understands that he cannot be perpetually sending all his money to the ex-wife out of guilt and fear and actually be looking to form any kind of life with you. As blunt as this sounds, he might need to grow a pair when it comes to dealing with the ex-wife, apparently something he failed to do when they were married. 

Have you told him how much all of this bothers you?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Maybe it's time to put the wedding on hold?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

4th marriage? Eesh. No.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Do not get married under these circumstances, you will regret it.

I find it hard to believe that a man that is continually threatened with court hasnt been to seek legal advice . . . . what has his lawyer got to say about all this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

that_girl said:


> 4th marriage? Eesh. No.


Yeah, that's about where I stopped reading.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> 4th marriage? Eesh. No.





Hope1964 said:


> Yeah, that's about where I stopped reading.


Could be completely off basis, but the odds are that they didn't work because he was the "common denominator". I don't buy that it was the women's fault for each of the failed marriages. I don't see him altering his behavior.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

that_girl said:


> 4th marriage? Eesh. No.


This, he IS the problem. I wouldn't be considering marriage. I'd be considering a pair of running shoes.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

no idea on the band or marriage.
i just wanted to comment that i think the fact this guy supports his kids is a good thing. slam him on whatever else but it seems clear he really loves his kids. :smthumbup:


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Spoiling children doesn't equal love.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please, find the guts to postpone the wedding. You know this is a mistake, and better to lose the money now (for postponing) than to live a married life of h*ll b/c of these issues.

He has made it clear, by his behavior, that he will act in a certain way toward his kids. You are extremely unhappy with his decision. Face it, though, you *cannot* and will not be able to change this. Your anger and resentment about it will undermine your happiness and you will have a very unhappy marriage.

If you want to move forward, the two of you should do couples counseling to see if you can resolve the issue. If so, then marriage might be worth the risk.

It doesn't matter what you think or even what he might say--the bottom line is that he will continue to spend his money on his kids. And it is pretty hard to fault him for that--I do fault him, however, for thinking he has the right to drag another person into a marriage where they will be treated as 2nd best (to the kids). He should know better. 

BUT, you are the one here. So get help, see if it works, and maybe consider marrying him then. But moving forward as things are right now will be a huge and much more costly mistake than cancelling the wedding plans right now.


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