# I am so bored...I want out! Help!



## guiltygirl

Last night, I journaled about 3 pages because I was feeling so restless, I didn't know what to do. I can't shake this feeling that something is missing or not right. I know that some will say to take control of my own happiness. I seem to be able to maintain closeness with my husband for a day or two, then I don't want to be around him. I know I'm pushing away, but the desire isn't there. 

I thought once I returned to work, this feeling would go away, but it hasn't. I am so distracted by this restless feeling. I am so desperate and needy, but I am not going to my husband to fulfill these needs because I don't want to. Please don't say just to make up my mind and do it. I don't think that will work in this situation. I have committed to working on our marriage for a couple of months, yet one week into it, I am still looking for a way out. 

Maybe, the key is to figuring out what's causing the restlessness. I am so bored with my life...I just want to step outside of it. I have a great husband and 2 sweet children, and I know this should make me happy. You might say that sex is the solution to our problem, but I don't feel this way. I think there's more to it than that.

I am a puzzle that is impossible to solve. Will I ever be happy and satisfied with my life? I am trying to return to my prayer life and find the faith to follow through on making my marriage work.


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## justean

i can honestly say, you are not alone in how u feel. i have had days like you and so has my hubby.
tired of the marriage , tired of eachother, etc etc.
when my hubby and i feel like that. we give eachother more space. a few times hes gone over his mothers. in fact we miss eachother and the heart grows fonder bit.
we court eachother again - communication is better, sex and family life. we dont do it to disrupt our lives, we do it to enhance it. 
the times when weve needed space are genuine and not done for the sake of it.
a few years ago i went to spain for a week with sis in law. had a great time, no kids or hubby.
im itching now for something new now, maybe a break away somewhere.


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## draconis

Everyone gets bored of the mundane. For me it was changing hobbies, fr the wife it meant going back to school. Everything in your life will tie into itself and you need all the puzzle pieces to see the big picture.

draconis


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## Honey

guiltygirl said:


> Last night, I journaled about 3 pages because I was feeling so restless, I didn't know what to do. I can't shake this feeling that something is missing or not right. I know that some will say to take control of my own happiness. I seem to be able to maintain closeness with my husband for a day or two, then I don't want to be around him. I know I'm pushing away, but the desire isn't there.
> 
> I thought once I returned to work, this feeling would go away, but it hasn't. I am so distracted by this restless feeling. I am so desperate and needy, but I am not going to my husband to fulfill these needs because I don't want to. Please don't say just to make up my mind and do it. I don't think that will work in this situation. I have committed to working on our marriage for a couple of months, yet one week into it, I am still looking for a way out.
> 
> Maybe, the key is to figuring out what's causing the restlessness. I am so bored with my life...I just want to step outside of it. I have a great husband and 2 sweet children, and I know this should make me happy. You might say that sex is the solution to our problem, but I don't feel this way. I think there's more to it than that.
> 
> I am a puzzle that is impossible to solve. Will I ever be happy and satisfied with my life? I am trying to return to my prayer life and find the faith to follow through on making my marriage work.


You can't run away from your problems. You have to know a little of why you are not happy. Do you feel over-worked and unappreciated? Hun, we all do at some point in our lives. Do you feel you don't have enough "YOU" time, because of work and the kids? If so, ask your hubsnad to watch the kids while you go out with the girls somewhere. If it's not enough alone time.. just you and your husband.. see if you can have someone to watch the kids for you, and you go out with your husband somewhere. Have a date night with him, just the two of you.


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## guiltygirl

Justean- I'm sure you're right about the space thing...I'm just not sure how to make it happen. My husband gets offended if I don't want to spend time with him. He never seems to be able to get enough of me. I know this is just how he is...but I am not. I don't hold it against him really, but it's true I do need some space. This is an ongoing issue...something that has been going on for months. This isn't my first post about this situation. It sounds like you "take a break" on a pretty consistent basis. I would love to be able to do this. 

I do try to do things for myself away from my family...book club, working out....but my husband makes comments that I don't want to be around him or the kids...jokingly of course, but I don't think he's joking. I know he feels like I don't give him enough attention. This has been a constant in our marriage. Again, I know others have offered suggestions to this before. We have been trying to make a point to have a date night, only recently...maybe this will help. All I know is I go through the day and night feeling like I just want to run away. Work is really crazy right now, but I had plenty of down time in the summer (even though the kids were around) because I'm a teacher. 

Honey- to respond to your comment...I'm not really sure why I'm unhappy...I keep thinking it's because I'm not happy with my husband. People have made great suggestions to help with this...maybe I'm just not being proactive enough. Maybe this is my problem, and no one else is to blame....really not sure though.

Draconis-as you know from recent posts, I'm trying to find something to do to lessen this boredom. (the dance thing). I have been extremely tired adjusting to being back at school, so I haven't actively pursued anything else. I know I need to get back to the gym...it's been a couple of weeks. That may help. But, I still have this strong yearning to do SOMETHING. I really don't know what that something is, but I hate feeling this way.


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## draconis

Take it slow and don't feel you have to find something right now. It will come to you.

draconis


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## Blanca

Im totally going to take up skydiving :smthumbup: 
And ive always wanted to just hop on a train one day and see where it takes me....


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## guiltygirl

Great idea ljtseng...I'm not quite that daring, but I'll keep trying to think of something. You go for it though! I just get so depressed sometimes with my situation, but I also realize that this could also just be my illness. It takes me on so many ups and downs. I think I'm just looking for something or someone to make me happy when I should be trying to make myself happy. It's nice to be able to come on here and whine occasionally though with little repercussions.


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## draconis

In the end other people can only make you happy for a short time they focus on you. Real happiness is enjoying how you are.

draconis


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## guiltygirl

That's a tall order, but I'll try.


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## brad

We tend to project our own feelings onto others. When were happy we like the people around us. When were unhappy its because of who we are with. 

Take responsilbity for your feelings, own up to them. Replacing your husband will not make you feel any different.


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## voivod

brad,
you say:

>>>>We tend to project our own feelings onto others. When were happy we like the people around us. When were unhappy its because of who we are with. 

Take responsilbity for your feelings, own up to them. Replacing your husband will not make you feel any different.<<<<

you spoke volumes with those two paragraphs my friend.


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## guiltygirl

You're probably right, Brad...replacing my husband will probably not make me happier. However, if you look at our history, it seems like we've rarely been happy with one another. I'll take most of the blame for this because of my "crazy" issues. Regardless, I'm not making enough effort to make things better, and I am tired of fighting with him about the same old things. He would be better off without me. I can't seem to keep up my end of the bargain to improve our situation. 

My husband doesn't understand why I am so tired all the time and he takes it personally. I don't pay enough attention to him. There are various reasons for this, one of them being that I don't want to be with him sometimes. The fatigue is a normal phase I go through with my illness, not to mention adjusting to my teaching job again. I just want to give up because I don't have the strength or motivation to do what has to be done. It doesn't seem like we can maintain a happy, balanced relationship. 

My depression makes me apathetic...I just want to give up on everything. I'm strong enough to keep pushing forward, but I am only putting forth minimal effort. It's the best I can do right now. I am being completely honest.


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## Blanca

guiltygirl said:


> My depression makes me apathetic...I just want to give up on everything. I'm strong enough to keep pushing forward, but I am only putting forth minimal effort. It's the best I can do right now.


I hear ya.


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## brad

I notice a lot of negative self talk. Realize that thoughts like this lead to feelings (bad). Start doing things that lead to a higher self worth. Hobbies, interests etc. 

And start talking about yourself in a healthier manner.


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## guiltygirl

Brad- Have you ever had bipolar disorder? It's difficult to control the symptoms associated with this. I do appreciate your suggestions, and these are things I have done. Problem is, when I'm depressed, I lose all motivation to do anything. The negative self-talk has always been an issue...but I have improved over recent months. Just not doing so well right now.

ljtseng-thanks for the affirmation. I read your post on another thread, I totally agree, when you'e depressed, you just want support. It's weird though to feel lonely, while also wanting to be left alone. That's just the way it is though.


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## draconis

Have you tried a journal? Maybe if you are writing things down you can take the bi-polar effects away from how you feel about your husband to better understand how you really feel. Another thing is it might surprise you what you write and how you feel about things. It is always interesting to go back and read them later.

draconis


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## voivod

ask your therapist/counselor/mental health professional (you are seeing one right? with all these thoughts in your head i'd assume you're seeing one, right?) about "solution-based therapy." theory is, people KNOW what the problem is and can "fix it" themselves. you've stated your issues. if you know them, deal with the problems. a new dude isn't going to fix your unhappiness. statistics say you will be unhappy down the road if you dump this guy thinking that he is the cause of your unhappiness.

you stated in your first post that you didn't want to be around him. does he smell bad, is he horrifyingly ugly? is it his hygeine? what is this thing that makes you not wanna be around him? be honest with yourself and us. i think you'll find your answer somewhere in the above mess i've left.

one last thought, only you can answer: is yours an immature line of thought? "i wanna leave" running away from stuff, y'know, like kids do?


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## Blanca

voivod said:


> theory is, people KNOW what the problem is and can "fix it" themselves. you've stated your issues. if you know them, deal with the problems.


:rofl: oh, why didnt i think of that???


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## MarkTwain

Calm down everybody...


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## voivod

ljteng,
you said:

>>>oh, why didnt i think of that???<<<

with regard to solution based therapy.

it's not my theory, ja, it's a theapeutic theory. tell your therapist/counselor/psychologist "why didn't i think of that."

just trying to help. i've worked several programs. sbt seems to be the one that is easiest to grasp for those of us that have little patience. sure glad you could find humor in the therrapeutic concept that has worked so well for so many people in pain. here's to you never having to need help.

GUILTYGIRL: google sbt or solution based therapy and learn for yourself if it is as funny as ljtseng thinks it is. don't be afraid to look at all angles, even the most obvious ones (as ljteng apparently thinks it is. how's the psychology career going lfteng?) for answers. best of luck. and ask yourself, "is my partner repugnant to me? is that why i feel this way?"


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## MarkTwain

voivod-

I used to believe in therapy, but then I realised that people can get a lot out of learning little tricks and skills to get them by. Since the advent of the internet and forums like this, it is now possible to run into all manor of solutions for common problems.

At the risk of repeating myself, I will just share 3 things I got from others, and made my own, all of these made a huge impact on me. 

1)Inner languages: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library
Once I read this, I suddenly understood my wife for the first time!

2)The sexual SONAR technique which I describe below, but not very well:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/12557-post52.html

3)From the same guy, I learnt also: How to deploy cheeky flirty behaviour to get more sex and diffuse bad moods in my wife, when even when it's my fault!
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/15330-post25.html


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## guiltygirl

Thanks everybody for your input...things got a bit heated for a bit. ltseng-I understand your cynicism, if that's what it was, because I have been through therapy and haven't really gotten results. 

To answer your question Voivod, I am not currently seeing anybody besides my primary care physician...mainly because insurance doesn't pay well. But, I have mentioned returning to therapy to my husband, so it is a possibility. I have gone through a psychiatrist as well in the past, and my situation seems to baffle everyone. We've found some managing meds, but I haven't quite been stabilized. 

MT- You have great suggestions. I have kept this forum a secret from my husband so I am not sure how to share your ideas with him. As I've said before, sex is our biggest issue. Anyhow, see new post for updated information.


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## MarkTwain

guiltygirl said:


> MT- You have great suggestions. I have kept this forum a secret from my husband so I am not sure how to share your ideas with him. As I've said before, sex is our biggest issue. Anyhow, see new post for updated information.


You should show him my site and this one. Women keep everything secret, it's such a pity.


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## Honey

guiltygirl said:


> You're probably right, Brad...replacing my husband will probably not make me happier. However, if you look at our history, it seems like we've rarely been happy with one another. I'll take most of the blame for this because of my "crazy" issues. Regardless, I'm not making enough effort to make things better, and I am tired of fighting with him about the same old things. He would be better off without me. I can't seem to keep up my end of the bargain to improve our situation.
> 
> My husband doesn't understand why I am so tired all the time and he takes it personally. I don't pay enough attention to him. There are various reasons for this, one of them being that I don't want to be with him sometimes. The fatigue is a normal phase I go through with my illness, not to mention adjusting to my teaching job again. I just want to give up because I don't have the strength or motivation to do what has to be done. It doesn't seem like we can maintain a happy, balanced relationship.
> 
> My depression makes me apathetic...I just want to give up on everything. I'm strong enough to keep pushing forward, but I am only putting forth minimal effort. It's the best I can do right now. I am being completely honest.


Well, hugs to you, hun. You have to get to the core of why you are so depressed. Like is it money problems. Most of us have had to deal with stress with money. Life is too short to stay down, hun. You really are hard for me to try to help, because all I know is you are not happy. If I knew if there were mean things that was done to you, either by your husband or other people, than I can try to help you out more.


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## voivod

mt,
i agree, but those who learn "little tricks and skills" have, oftentimes, already employed little tricks and skills to fool themselves that they are or their behavior is "right." dangerous position to be in. creates problems that the "trickster" or "skilled operator" may not be equipped to deal with. just a thought.


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## guiltygirl

Thanks for the response voivod. I'm not sure I'm even capable of those "tricks". (I know, negative self-talk again) But, I am willing to consider counseling...that's a good start, I think.

Not to be nosy, but what's your situation? I see your words at the bottom of your post. You're separated, but still with your wife? Or am I completely off base?


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## Blanca

voivod said:


> ljteng,
> you said:
> 
> >>>oh, why didnt i think of that???<<<
> 
> with regard to solution based therapy.
> 
> it's not my theory, ja, it's a theapeutic theory. tell your therapist/counselor/psychologist "why didn't i think of that."
> 
> just trying to help. i've worked several programs. sbt seems to be the one that is easiest to grasp for those of us that have little patience. sure glad you could find humor in the therrapeutic concept that has worked so well for so many people in pain. here's to you never having to need help.


Sorry if i offended you. i was having one of those days. I'm glad the therapy is working for you.


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## voivod

guiltygirl,
see "separation is killing me..."
thw whole story is there.


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## guiltygirl

I haven't technically returned to counseling yet...but I'm considering it. I wasn't offended at all...I'm open to any help anyone is willing to offer. Hopefully, you didn't think I was being nosy. The words at the bottom of the post sparked my curiosity. Thanks!


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## brad

One thing that might help motivate you a bit. Your husband sounds like an unusual guy. I know myself and most guys wouldnt put up with a person who prefers to indulge in her negative personality and behavour. One who isnt really sure why she doesnt want to be around her "great" husband or beautiful kids. 

I know I would have shown you the door a long time ago.


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## MarkTwain

brad-
I think Guiltygirl fantasizes about the kind of guy who won't chase her, who will ignore her so that she has to chase him. The kind of guy who will treat her like crap and then just when she thinks that she has finally hooked him, he will cheat on her.

She is not alone. this sort of man can pick up women like there's no tomorrow. The square jaw alpha male with the bad-boy attitude. Mmmmm don't you just love them?


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## brad

MarkTwain said:


> brad-
> I think Guiltygirl fantasizes about the kind of guy who won't chase her, who will ignore her so that she has to chase him. The kind of guy who will treat her like crap and then just when she thinks that she has finally hooked him, he will cheat on her.
> 
> She is not alone. this sort of man can pick up women like there's no tomorrow. The square jaw alpha male with the bad-boy attitude. Mmmmm don't you just love them?


You mean someone who would verify how she feels about herself.?
I agree with you M.T. she is looking for that guy who will continue to justify her way of seeing herself and the world. After all isnt the world merely a mirror of our own inner feelings and thoughts?


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## Blanca

brad said:


> You mean someone who would verify how she feels about herself.?
> I agree with you M.T. she is looking for that guy who will continue to justify her way of seeing herself and the world. After all isnt the world merely a mirror of our own inner feelings and thoughts?


Actually if you really want to get into the psychoanalytical aspect, she is recreating the abuse she feels so that she can conquer it and not feel so powerless and worthless anymore. Everyone has unresolved issues from their past that he/she will subconsciously recreate to try and heal their soul. Unfortunately some have suffered much more severe abuse and so have much more difficult challenges to conquer.


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## guiltygirl

Wow, Brad...that hurt!!! Maybe I need to hear it. My husband has been great lately, but he is by no means perfect. I can't tell you how many times I have told him he would be better off without me and my "craziness". He says he loves me and hopes we can work things out. I am blessed to have him and I know it. From a woman's perspective though, you have to understand why I might need a little space now and then. Your comment was kind of rude, I must say.

MT- I can tell how frustrated you are with me. Imagine how my husband feels....putting up with me all the time. I'm not always negative and self-loathing...I go through cycles. Sometimes, I am happy, confident, and feel like I could rule the world. It's called mania, and unfortunately during those times, I feel like I could get along just fine without my husband. Either extreme is not good, but many people do not understand how devastating this is. Depression to the point of being suicidal is a serious thing. It goes way beyond issues of wanting a "bad boy" to treat me like crap. Before my husband, I would have never put up with that...heck, with my husband I won't put up with that. My husband was that kind of guy when we met. You already know the story...adultery and a pregnant wife and mistress (that's me) at the same time. He has changed over the years though...I do believe he is a good guy. You guys have me all wrong.

MT- One thing you are right about is that I don't like to be the initiator. If my husband initiates contact, there's a 50/50 chance at best that he will get what he's looking for. I appreciate all of your advice on this and am open to more. But, you must realize that I have to work through this on my terms. It's not going to happen overnight. You simplify things...I complicate them. I feel my issues are complex.

ljtseng- Thanks once again for coming to my defense in this matter. I can tell that you have dealt with similar issues, which is why you understand. I really haven't suffered any actual abuse, which I know is strange. But, I do as you say have "unresolved issues" that come up again and again. I get this "itch" every 2-3 years to be able to date other people. This is because I never dated before I was married and I guess I feel like I have missed out on something. There is also the ever-present issues with sex, which will take a lot of work on my part to overcome...a great deal of discomfort with certain aspects. I do want to conquer these and other issues so I can feel powerful and worthy. I have felt this way at times, but it's difficult to maintain with the illness. I really do appreciate your response and support.

What I want everyone to realize is that I am trying to work on these things so my marriage can work. I have not given up yet...in fact, I have a new sense of hope since I have left the house. I realize how much I miss my family. Being away won't solve our issues...but, who knows, maybe it will help.

Thanks to all!!!


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## voivod

ljtseng,

you said:

>>>Actually if you really want to get into the psychoanalytical aspect, she is recreating the abuse she feels so that she can conquer it and not feel so powerless and worthless anymore. Everyone has unresolved issues from their past that he/she will subconsciously recreate to try and heal their soul. Unfortunately some have suffered much more severe abuse and so have much more difficult challenges to conquer.<<<

c'mon, spoken like a true professional! you hit a home run there. i can't be bustin' your chops and then have you rip off that pearl of wisdom.

i'm not mocking or joking, that sounds like a spot on psychoanalysis of that type of behavior. good stuff. (golf claps) good to see you in this forum.


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## daycaremom

I have just read some great advice. All I would add is if you are feeling apathetic and have low energy are you currently taking any meds for your depression? 

If so maybe it's time to see the dr again and talk about switching meds or maybe a dose increase. If you have clinical depression and are concidering leaving your husband because he loves you to much then I believe you need to see a Dr.

Just my two cents.


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## guiltygirl

I am on meds, and decided this past weekend to up my dosage to what the doctor recommended months ago. Things do seem better since I have done this. For now, I will continue with this and see how things go. Thanks!


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## MarkTwain

guiltygirl said:


> I am on meds, and decided this past weekend to up my dosage to what the doctor recommended months ago. Things do seem better since I have done this. For now, I will continue with this and see how things go. Thanks!


It breaks my heart to hear you upped the dose  I hate drugs. I know they are needed sometimes, but I sometimes wonder if the result is better or worse than the untreated illness.

As for you saying that your husband used to be a bad boy, I can detect a pattern here. Marriage has brought out the best in him, and he is no longer the bad-boy. So you no longer want him, you want a genuine bad-boy - in the form of a new lover! With role play, you could have your husband do all that, and you would still be around to tell the tale.
*
ljtseng*
an interesting analysis as always, but what you are talking about is no walk in the park.


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## guiltygirl

Do you really think I want a bad-boy? I'm not sure I agree...maybe a little. Your suggestion is great, but can we change our roles really? I don't necessarily want a new lover at this point. I really just want time for myself right now. I am enjoying this short bit of independence. 

Right now, we're only planning to be apart a week. I'm not going to do anything crazy like cheat or anything. There is a small sense of sadness though at giving up the opportunity to date other guys. But, I hope I realize that saving my marriage is more important than fulfilling this desire.

As far as the meds go, I believe I would be dead without them. My illness has worsened over the years and I'm not ready to leave this world just yet. Many do share your opinion. I will tell you though that I have been on and off meds, and I believe that I am much better on them, considering the combination of anxiety and depression. It's difficult to cope without them.


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## MarkTwain

guiltygirl-
Marriage is sometimes about giving and serving. What is your opinion about that?


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## guiltygirl

I agree with you MT. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I can be self-absorbed in my worry and anxiety, which takes away from my motivation and desire to be giving to my husband. I definitely need to work on making an effort to do this. Thanks.


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## MarkTwain

guiltygirl said:


> I agree with you MT. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I can be self-absorbed in my worry and anxiety, which takes away from my motivation and desire to be giving to my husband. I definitely need to work on making an effort to do this. Thanks.


That was very big of you to take that from me  There is an old Indian saying: "If two people meet with the intention to get as much from each other as they can - both gain nothing". If they decide to serve each other as much as they can, each gains a lot...

​


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## guiltygirl

I think I get the adage. So, the point is that I shouldn't be looking to "get" anything from him...rather, I should look to serve him, that is fulfill his needs to the best of my ability? Did I get it right? You are such a wise man. Where do you get all this stuff?


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## md250r

I think MT is right. If you start rebuilding your realtionship with the attitude that you are there to make him happy, not only will it be fulfilling for you to make him happy, but your actions will in turn motivate him to make you happy. This is how you reverse the catch 22 that we have all seemed to get ourselves in and make it work for good instead of bad.


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## guiltygirl

I know you're both right. I need to be more giving towards him. I understand this, but how do I find the power to change what's going on in my mind? 

I spent time with my husband yesterday and today for a couple of hours and it seems like the spark we had a few days ago when I said goodbye is gone. I think he senses this. This worries me...what if I really can't love him anymore? We weren't supposed to see each other, but this had to do with getting me a new (used) car. There he goes being a good guy again...he takes good care of me and I know I can count on him.

When we're together, it seems like we don't know what to say to each other. It's awkward. When I'm around him, he makes me feel so guilty because he goes on and on about how much he misses me. I can sense his insecurity and desperation about the situation. He's not happy with the situation...I get that. I think he hopes I will just call this "break" quits and beg him to let me come home. I don't feel like I am quite getting the space I asked for. (Not his fault)
I feel like I have to keep that distance there in order to stay clear-headed and objective. This could all just be a bunch of crap. My feelings change quicker than lightning. I am so tired of feeling confused. Why can't it just be simple? (for me???)

This is my fourth night away, and though I miss my home and children, I'm not sure how I feel about our relationship. I really should change my name to moodygirl or confounded girl...these would be so much more fitting.

I'm thinking this week may not change anything. I have to find the power to change within myself. Am I strong and courageous enough to follow through is the question?


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## draconis

Sure you make things happen all the time. By what power do you go to your job everyday, feed yourself, clean up? The power is there and lets face it there are many situations we'd rather not deal with but we drum along. 

The more you put into a relationship the more likely you'll get more out of it. If you can't solve your problems here than what will be different away from your husband. 

draconis


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## MarkTwain

guiltygirl-
Trying to change everything _would _take a lot of power. But that sort of herculean change is not what's required. It' s your perception that could benefit from a change. That could be as easy as looking to the left instead of the right. It's so easy to shift the focus of attention.

You are looking at yourself and your feelings and wishing they were different. This can't be done. Trying to do it will use up all your energy. The trick is to look elsewhere. Change the focus to something fun. Here is an example.

Look at all the things in your life that are going well. Give thanks for them. Look at the abundance in your life - ngive thanks for it. If you do this every day, it is very powerful.

With your husband, forget about trying to feel warm mushy feelings for him. Look at all the things you like about him. Look at all the things he does for you. Simply by appreciating these things, transformation will eventually come. Above all, stop thinking about that mythical creature we call "ourself".


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## guiltygirl

It's strange that you posted this. This morning, I was praying to do just those things you suggested. There's a book I refer to called "The Traveler's Gift" and his the 7 keys to living a happy and successful life. Reading it on a regular basis will help me change my mindset. I also prayed for God to take away my worry and guilt. They are such a burden for me that I feel like I cannot focus on much else. 

I will try to make a list of the things my husband does for me and appreciate them. I always tell him how much I appreciate all that he does...but this doesn't make me feel more affectionate to him which is really unfair. I think the boredom is what's getting me most...but that's not his fault. In the book I referred to, it talks about how you are in control of your own happiness. Your thoughts rule your emotions. These negative thought patterns I have held on to for years need to be erased from my mind...not sure how to do that except work on it through therapy. I know I have to find this power within myself to make changes.

I liked your first paragraph of your post...the part about taking on too much at a time. My perception could definitely use a change, which is kind of what I have already stated in this post. I'm not sure it's been so easy for me to shift my focus. 

My fear is that it's Thursday and I'm not sure when to go home. I can tell my 12 year old is worried. I don't want to cause her any pain. So now what? I don't think I made any efforts to work on the things I intended this week. I am avoiding this because it is difficult. I'll keep on trying.


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## MarkTwain

guiltygirl said:


> I liked your first paragraph of your post...the part about taking on too much at a time.


I may not have been clear enough. I am saying that trying to change *anything *about yourself is exhausting. The reason is to do with WANT. You see, the way you behave and feel is (on some level) what you want. So for example if you feel that it's time to swap out your husband, but then you introduce the idea of wanting to keep him, you end up with two competing wants.

The want with the most energy put into it wins! but the energy comes from you, so even if the want to keep him wins, you will feel tired from all the struggle.

But even worse than this is the fact that if you have one "want", and you set up another "want" in opposition to it, the first want feels threatened so it draws down more energy. So then it becomes more powerful, and you have to the put more energy into the second want.

A less emotional example is smoking cigarettes. People who say they want to give up smoking don't realise the at some level they WANT to smoke. So all of a sudden they have two things in opposition. Once the desire (which is another name for want) to give up becomes more powerful than the desire to smoke - smoking stops.

So in the case of smoking, it's ridiculous to struggle with giving up smoking if you don't realise that you actually WANT to smoke. What happens is that the desire to smoke just gets stronger, because that is what is _wanted_, and it is under threat from the competing "want" to give up.

So just to beat this topic to death, how do you stop smoking without the struggle?

Simple. You start realising that smoking is silly and dangerous, and that maybe it would be nice to give your body the gift of health. So you don't need to struggle, you just need to love your body. And gradually the desire to smoke will lessen, and then you find you can miss the odd cigarette without struggle, and the number of minutes between smokes increases. 

When I got to 4 years between smokes, I suddenly realised, I had lost all desire to smoke.


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## guiltygirl

Great analogy. You are so right...but my mind keeps ping-ponging back and forth. I will definitely take this to heart and hopefully my heart can make up it's mind which "want" it wants more. That's probably not what you hoped I would get out of your post...but I do get it, I promise.

I talked to my husband a few minutes ago and it was like neither of us had anything to say to the other. Is this normal after being apart so much this week? I guess it could just be the way our relationship is and has always functioned...but it bugs me. I talk to my sisters and other family all the time and we could talk for hours. My husband and I don't have that anymore...probably because we know each other so well after 11 years of marriage. Who knows?


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## brad

What is in your mind is the result of years of creating these neuro pathways. Thoughts lead to feelings which create how you feel about yourself today. So in order to change, you need to recreate these neuro pathways. No fairy will fall from the sky and change how you feel about yourself. 

When you talk about being "bored" that tells me a lot. A lot of things that flow through your mind must be ignored. The mind and ego have a lot of "wants" and desires. You must be able to develop some discrimination in tossing out what you listen to and what you want to value. 

Sometimes losing things in life gives us the perspective to change what we need to change. You sound like you have a great husband. Losing him might actually give you what I described above.


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## guiltygirl

Thanks for the information and advice brad. What you say makes a lot of sense...some of it I already know. I learned through therapy previously that I need to change the negative "tapes" in my head. I have made some progress, but when I am depressed, nothing matters. 

I think, worry, and analyze excessively, even though I am very busy at work. I haven't figured out how to not think about things. In fact, the more I try to avoid thinking about certain things, the more I think about them. I think most people are this way. The difference is that my thoughts tend to be negative more often than not. I need therapy...BAD.

Are you saying I need to lose my husband in order to make changes in myself? My husband is a very good guy...I really have very little reason to let go of him, except that I am unsure about my feelings for him. Maybe, if I really put forth an effort, I can change this. I haven't been able to force it though.


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## brad

guiltygirl said:


> Thanks for the information and advice brad. What you say makes a lot of sense...some of it I already know. I learned through therapy previously that I need to change the negative "tapes" in my head. I have made some progress, but when I am depressed, nothing matters.
> 
> I think, worry, and analyze excessively, even though I am very busy at work. I haven't figured out how to not think about things. In fact, the more I try to avoid thinking about certain things, the more I think about them. I think most people are this way. The difference is that my thoughts tend to be negative more often than not. I need therapy...BAD.
> 
> Are you saying I need to lose my husband in order to make changes in myself? My husband is a very good guy...I really have very little reason to let go of him, except that I am unsure about my feelings for him. Maybe, if I really put forth an effort, I can change this. I haven't been able to force it though.



I have been studying meditation and yoga for 15 years. The fact is most people live their lives through the tapes that are playing in their minds. Many dont realize they have the conscious ability to change all that. IF YOU WANT TO. It takes vigilance and effort. You must be mindful at all times. Little by little it will start permeating your consciousness and before you know it you will be that person. I love the saying "fake it till you make it". Some people say its so phony to think positively. Well its no more phoney then your negative thinking. 

One antidote for our busy minds is stillness. Mine is through my meditation practise. But you can achieve it through walks in nature, gardening, bubble baths with candles etc. Give yourself that time. Your mind believe it or not is no different from other people's. Busy, busy busy.

What I meant about losing your husband is IF you lost him you might be shocked into a new reality. Right now your all wishy washy about things. Losing him may give you a new perspective and the motivation to change your behavours. right now it sounds like you dont know how good you have it. Most guys would have canned you.


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## MarkTwain

brad said:


> right now it sounds like you dont know how good you have it. Most guys would have canned you.


That just about sums it up. It's not that you're a bad person. It's just that you are not easy due to your B.P. I know it's not your fault that life dealt you a difficult hand, but life also gave you a nice husband, whom you don't appreciate in your heart of hearts.


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## guiltygirl

You gave very sound advice, right up until you said, "most guys would have canned you." That wasn't really necessary. It's not like I go around telling my husband I don't love you or stuff like that. He truly does love me and that is why he puts up with me. But it's a two-way street...we didn't get here only because of me. I have taken responsibility on this forum for my shortcomings. I take offense to the notion that I am so out of whack and no one would want me. I'm really not a bad person...I am actually very kind. I don't know why I have lost touch with my husband and I am trying to work through it. Please don't judge so harshly.

I will take into consideration your ideas. They are very insightful. Thank you for that.


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## guiltygirl

MT- You're right...but I do appreciate him. I just don't feel the love. I know you've given me much advice and I really haven't been taking action since school started. There are no excuses...I realize that, but I have to find the motivation to follow through. Hopefully, I can do that.


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## brad

As a guy I had to tell you the truth. I know it sounds harsh but the truth is most guys would not put up with your wishy washy attitude. It's one thing to be bipolar but another when you talk about how "boring" your life is with your husband. This indicates a lot of immaturity and not dealing in an appreciative way with a husband who sounds great. He puts up with your shiit and really shouldnt. And you have kids to think of too. 

Sorry but you deserve your fate with the attitude you have.


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## draconis

I already said my opinion at a different level. I think instead of looking at the relationship right now you need to look at yourself, and see what has been holding you back. Once you have that I think everything else will open up.

draconis


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## voivod

you don't feel love, you DO it.


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## MarkTwain

giultygirl-
You are receiving some "tough love" on this thread... because we all care about you


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## guiltygirl

Brad...you may have said some things that I need to hear, but your approach is rude and offensive. I am not receptive to anyone who treats me this way. What are you so bitter about?

Draconis...you are right, I need to figure out what's holding me back. Last night I went to see a movie by myself (The Women), and when I left, the tears finally started rolling. It really made me start thinking about what I want. So, I got some wine and chocolate, came back to the hotel and listened to music, danced, and just had fun. (embarrassing...but I don't care.) This is what I've been missing...the old me who liked to have fun. After I got tired and nauseous from all the wine and fun I was having, I sat down and wrote out "What do I want?" I realized that what I do conflicts with what I want...a real epiphany for me. 

I woke up this morning knowing what I needed to do. My first thought was "Do you remember when...?" I got up and wrote about "our" history. I used to write poetry and stuff for my husband all the time...but somewhere along the way I lost my passion for everything in my life. Anyway, it starts out asking the questions "Do you remember when...?" and then on the back I wrote all the special things I remember about our love history. 

I'm picking him up today at 5:00 for a date and I'll be sharing all of this with him. I really want to start living life again. 

What's been holding me back is fear...I know because fear has always been my nemesis. I came across a scripture that said (I don't have my Bible handy), but something about there being no fear in love. The two just don't go together. By letting go of the fear, I am free to do anything I choose, including loving my husband and those around me. 

I don't know how things will work out...but I am hopeful that this will be a fresh start for us. I just have to remember to find joy in my life every day...no matter what the circumstances.

MT- I know that you, Draconis, and many other supporters care based on the constant support, ideas, and "tough love" I have received. I don't think I would have made it to this point without that support. I am truly grateful for all of you...even the negative ones. I will keep you posted on our progress and I'll definitely be on the forum to support others.

God Bless!


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## guiltygirl

Oops! I forgot we weren't supposed to put our name in our posts. I edited it out.


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## tarahking

Guiltygirl, I know it has been 4 years since your last post, I am wondering if your solution worked, I only ask because I feel i am in the asme position as you were.


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