# Questions to long term success'ers



## aaaa

I'm 28/m, my wife 21/f, and I'm kind of freaking out right now. First a little backstory. Admittedly, we married too young in your relationship (about 2 years in, and really were in the honeymoon phase still, literally no real conflicts yet) and for the wrong reasons (financial). That was just shortly after we moved in together. Our year and a half of living together showed that I liked to keep the apartment clean and neat, but she didn't view that as a priority - so I felt like I was doing all the work. We got into a routine and a rut of coming home from work/school and sort of doing our own thing, so she felt neglected and not important. That lead to a horrible sex life, where we didn't really have it that great to begin with - in the beginning it was never more than once a week, and at this point it was once a month. Her complaint is that I was not leading the relationship; she claims to be a very sexual person (something I did not see ANY of in 3.5 years) and that me taking more of a lead would fix that.

Last august or so, she suggested we get counseling. We went once, and she broke down and said, "this isn't right," referring to our relationship. We talked pretty heavily for a couple weeks, went back and forth on what we wanted, whether or not we wanted to separate or try and make it work, and in the end, we separated. She moved out 4 months ago. 

Just after Christmas, she said she wanted to work on our relationship and try to change things. I did a lot of thinking and decided that I owed this relationship my full effort at least, and decided to honor my vows. I've been trying to spend more time with her and really put in an effort, but it's been different and I don't know what it is. I've had a very tough time showing her affection, and I worry that I'm just not attracted to her anymore. She's a pretty girl, no doubt. I was not initially attracted to her for her looks when I met her. I've been asking myself a bunch of tough questions lately, the toughest being, "Do I still love her?" To which the answer I keep coming back to is, "I don't know." 

So long term success'ers, here are my questions because I am in unknown territory right now. 

1. Were you always physically/sexually attracted to your SO? Do you still find them attractive in the same way?

2. How do you know the difference between making a relationship work and a relationship where everything just fits? I believe two adults with no major problems could find a way to make a relationship work, but I don't know if that's the same as being fulfilled. I've come to terms with the fact that the concept of "the one" is just bull****. 

3. What does love feel like after the honeymoon phase wears off? Was there any point in your marriage that you questioned whether or not you loved your SO? I am wondering if what I"m going through is completely normal or if I really need to reevaluate my relationship. 

Thanks for reading/helping.


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## EleGirl

In a long term marriage a person finds their feelings change from time to time. There might be a few days when madly in love. And some days when your not sure, or apathetic. I don't mean it's a rollercoaters but just that feeling eb and flow with things that are going on.

Take a look at the links in my signature block under building a passionate marriage. They can help you as there are things that you can do to bring back the deep love and even build attraction. Unfortunately they we are not taught these things and most people never find them out.


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## Threetimesalady

Hi aaaa....I saw your post...I find myself hurting with you....First, you met her at 17 1/2 years old...and you a bit over 24....Fine for you, but she was still at the growing stage of life.....As far as cleaning, many women don't care to clean...In time I think you could can fix this, or maybe not....IMO, she felt neglected because she was still young...Being married is supposed to be glamorous and now she was a married woman, but instead it was this sex thing and try as she may, she had a hard time finding that place in her mind where the two of you used to go...What I speak of here, can go on with many women....This is why so many marriages can fail...Sex is something you work at...For a woman it is very enjoyable, but first she must accept in her mind that this is fun...Allow herself the opportunity to do the things she used to do...But, she was young...And if sex is the only thing that your marriage that was exciting, then it showed the first cracks in the foundation appearing...

At counseling she said the words that she felt...That being "this isn't right"....It wasn't the wine and roses that she expected so how could she be all the things in life that a woman should be....IMO, she was not only too young, but truly didn't know what love was....

Your last paragraph kind of sums up your thoughts...Will it work?....Do you want it to work?...These are just the thoughts of a woman married 53 years...Now, I let youth speak...Take care...


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## aaaa

Threetimesalady said:


> And if sex is the only thing that your marriage that was exciting, then it showed the first cracks in the foundation appearing...


actually, sex was never the exciting thing in our relationship. she was my first; i was a virgin before her. as i mentioned, even in the beginning we only had it once/wk. now, if i had it my way, it would be 3+/wk, it would hot, and it would be spontaneous. the last few times we had sex, it was one sided (basically just getting me off) and unsatisfying.

thank you for the rest of your comments, answers, and advice. i truly appreciate it...im kind of a mess right now and im in the dark. do you think i should be talking to her about this stuff? on one hand i think it would be pretty crushing to tell her that i'm questioning all these things including my love, but on the other, maybe i'm just going through some stupid phase. you know, like when that beautiful painting on your living room wall becomes so familiar that you stop appreciating it.


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## that_girl

> actually, sex was never the exciting thing in our relationship. she was my first; i was a virgin before her. as i mentioned, even in the beginning we only had it once/wk.


Huge red flag for me. 

I have always thought my husband is the sexiest man I've ever seen...from the moment we met (well before that when I saw him at his work) until now. He is, by far, desirable and yummy to look at. Sex is almost nightly. We can't keep our hands off each other. Even when not in bed, we're touching, patting, slappin  Good stuff.

Making a marriage work is about knowing yourself and accepting your partner. We had issues...I am working on mine (have come very far!) and he's working on his. I don't believe ego has any place in a marriage.  It's not a competition or something you "win". It's a daily decision to love and treat your partner with respect and compassion.

Our 'honeymoon' phase ended a little after the first year (our daughter was born then too). Things got weird and after a year, he left for 3 months. I worked on me, and he moved home. It's been great since. I never stopped getting butterflies though...I have them now because I know he'll be home soon  I do think, though, that the honeymoon feelings come and go throughout a relationships.

My grandparents made it to 63 years when my gramps passed. They always said how sometimes they didn't even LIKE each other. But they were committed to the MARRIAGE, not love.


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## heartsbeating

aaaa said:


> So long term success'ers, here are my questions because I am in unknown territory right now.
> 
> 1. Were you always physically/sexually attracted to your SO? Do you still find them attractive in the same way?


My husband and I heard each others voices before we physically met and were attracted initially through voices and personality. When we met, we were also physically attracted, so yes. We couldn't keep our hands off each other ...and yes, I STILL find him attractive in the same way. To be honest, I'm probably even MORE attracted to him right now because I have seen him grow with me. Together 17 years, met young, and I've experienced his journey. I'm extremely attracted to him as a result. 



aaaa said:


> 2. How do you know the difference between making a relationship work and a relationship where everything just fits? I believe two adults with no major problems could find a way to make a relationship work, but I don't know if that's the same as being fulfilled. I've come to terms with the fact that the concept of "the one" is just bull****.


We just "fit" from the start. It was him and I against the world. We went through our various stages of growing (still are!) and we've had ebbs and flows. I see now that our relationship does require 'work'...we'd been smooth sailing for a long time that I failed to realize this. The work involved is pleasurable though, I like giving effort to him and us. BUT it needs both of us to be actively aware of the work for us to rock n roll. 




aaaa said:


> 3. What does love feel like after the honeymoon phase wears off? Was there any point in your marriage that you questioned whether or not you loved your SO? I am wondering if what I"m going through is completely normal or if I really need to reevaluate my relationship.


I feel like I'm back in a honeymoon phase. I never questioned if I loved him, or if I was in love with him, never questioned that - but I have questioned whether we had a future together and if it's what I really wanted. Then we had an overhaul of our relationship, without an expectation or end result in mind, and now we're back on track in the best possible way. I see the changes in both of us as individuals and in the relationship.

While we've been mutually sexually attracted, we also 'clicked' very much on other levels too. We had a lot in common, we shared interests and outlook on life etc. We had a special closeness and were aware that what we had was beyond typical boyfriend/girlfriend at that age. Within a couple of months of dating, he had the chance to return back to his home country - there was a possibility he might not return if he did this. I didn't want to hold him back if that's what he wanted and suggested he go, despite my heart feeling torn up inside. He decided he couldn't risk what was developing between us, he didn't want to risk losing me, and stayed. I tried not to sway his influence but I can tell you, there was something there from the beginning. Even going through the thick of our issues last year, neither one of us could actually part from the other. Can we manage in the world just fine without the other? Sure. Do we want to? No. Have we questioned it? Yes, and we've been honest about this to each other. Does this make our love any less? No. There's nothing wrong with questioning. It's what you do with that questioning that matters. 


What I would like to ask YOU is, what responsibilities was your wife taking care of? There wasn't a child/parent dynamic happening was there?


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## aaaa

heartsbeating said:


> What I would like to ask YOU is, what responsibilities was your wife taking care of? There wasn't a child/parent dynamic happening was there?


It felt that way sometimes. 

I mean she did clean sometimes, but it felt like I was constantly picking up after her, putting her clothes in the hamper from off the bathroom floor, etc. She works 2 jobs and has full time school, but that's not really an excuse. To be fair, our idea of what is clean/neat is a little different. I see big picture stuff - living room totally cluttered, clothes left on the floor, dishes left in the sink, etc - and she sees little things - sweeping the floor, scrubbing the toilet/bathroom sink - which she did do on occasion.


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## SimplyAmorous

> 1. Were you always physically/sexually attracted to your SO? Do you still find them attractive in the same way?


I tend to feel sexual attraction is HUGE in a relationship, I have always called it the GLUE.... if you are a visual person anyway. For me, even being female, the looks was more of an allure for me than my husbands very laid back nice guy personality, I mean, he was NICE to me, sweet, loving, but not exactly the most "exciting" guy around. But I have never wanted anyone over him since we have been married (been together for 30 yrs, 22 married), I've had little crushes over the years on some guy friends, but at the end of the day..... I was ever content him being my man. 

Yes, my husband still "does it " for me after all of these years, I often look at him and still see that good looking young man that he was. I never liked his big glasses though, I really think had he wore contacts back in the day, we would have had more sex somehow, that probably sounds rediculous, but he always looked very HOT to me without those darn glasses he wore. I make him wear contacts today. 



> 2. How do you know the difference between making a relationship work and a relationship where everything just fits? I believe two adults with no major problems could find a way to make a relationship work, but I don't know if that's the same as being fulfilled. I've come to terms with the fact that the concept of "the one" is just bull****.


 Do you genuinelly LIKE your wife and ENJOY spending time with her - or would you rather be somewhere else... with someone else, with the guys even ? I feel if you CRAVE time to be with your significant other, if you can communicate freely, laugh, talk about anything under the sun, BE your crazy self or even cry on their shoulders and you still feel loved , wanted and admired, you HAVE something "natural" with that other person. 

If it is like fighting "against the wind" to manufacture feelings between the 2 of you, I don't know ...not sure how you make that work. LIke has to come before LOVE... Even LUST and passion is good, but you still need to LIKE that person and want to spend time with them, making memories , building a life. 

*Sounds as though ...built up RESENTMENT is blinding you both to each other right now*........between disagreeing on cleanliness of the apartment, her feeling neglected, you wanting more sex & not feeling she is into it-lacking passion & purpose -feeling unsatisfactory, then the separation. Some real issues to get out on the table and work through. 



> 3. What does love feel like after the honeymoon phase wears off? Was there any point in your marriage that you questioned whether or not you loved your SO? I am wondering if what I"m going through is completely normal or if I really need to reevaluate my relationship.


 This will sound strange to many but I am not sure I ever had that Honeymoon phase in our younger years --we were kinda sexually repressed, I think it screwed with our heads to some degree... we were "best friends" before we ever kissed, and that was years before we married. And we didn't have accual intercourse until we married....and got pregnant near immediately. 
But what we ALWAYS had was a ....calm peaceful loving accepting "wanting to be together" type of relationship, I wouldn't call it HOT, I would call it more "secure". 

All those "feelings" are chemicals in the brain, it is a mixture of Testosterone and Dopamine .... causing your engines to be on fire for each other. Me & my husband were slow cookers or something in our youth, and being best friends like that --I think hampered that "Lustful passion" since we were determined to restrain physically anyway. BUt in MID life, I was thrown into that Honey Moon phase that I felt I never really experienced .... .so the point is.. it can Be revived ...or so I believe.......

A little something about the hormones: The science of love ......HowStuffWorks "How Love Works"

.


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## Angela @ MH

I really sympathize with you right now. I agree with many other posters that marriage (and relationships in general) can't always be glamorous at every moment. So here's my advice:

1. People are always evolving throughout their entire lives. However, when you are young you have the most evolving and maturing to do. You met very young and neither of you had really settled into who you were going to be. (At 30 people never marry who they would have at 20.) *If you both simply acknowledge that fact, then the white elephant will be out of the room.*

2. Both of you have to make sure that you don't have individual issues that are leaking into the relationship. *Work on yourselves as individuals, then working on the relationship will be much easier.*

3. You need to be as honest as you can possibly be with each other. You need to tell her everything you have told us on here and she needs to tell you everything as well. If it's hard to say these things out loud, then write her a letter. If you need a mediator, then go find one. (Preferably a neutral party such as a counselor. You can often get these services for free through various churches and other organizations.) This might be your one chance to really make it work. *Don't hold ANYTHING back.*

The point is this: both of you need to provide a safe environment to let everything out in the open. You need to agree to not get angry or be judgmental in this process.

Quite often when couples finally agree to do this, they find there have been misunderstandings and miscommunications along the way. There may be big things that both of you have made assumptions about, or maybe you just flat out didn't know.

4. As for the sex, her youth and inexperience probably accounts for her wanting you to take the lead. Our backgrounds and upbringing can color how we feel about sex and maybe she just needs a little more direction from you. Along with that let me say this: When you work out things outside the bedroom, then she may feel closer to you and want to participate more. And I agree with the other poster that "sex is glue" in a relationship. For this reason, I also suggest a little romance be added. 

I am not sure if you have tried that at all, since you didn't talk about that. But I can tell you that a little romance to spice it up makes a huge difference. Bring her a cupcake and a rose. Set up a whole date night for her and make it all a surprise. Take her on a romantic picnic or sign both of you up for some type of lessons. It doesn't have to be ball room dancing if you are not comfortable with that. The possibilities are endless.

And I can tell you this for a fact: People who are not attracted to each other or simply do not have a hot, passionate sex life, even in the beginning of the relationship, CAN develop remarkable sex lives later. I have seen it happen.

5. You need to swing the status quo. I agree with the earlier poster who said you had a parent/child relationship in some areas. *You need to feel and act like equals in the relationship.* There is no way around it. Until you can look each other in the eye and feel that both of you are contributing your part to the relationship (although in different ways), you will never have a steady ground to build upon.

We always seek out people who have the qualities we don't in order to complete us. Most everyone does that in one way or another. Maybe she is not as tidy as you simply because that is not here nature and maybe she craves that is you. 

Try this fix. Make a list of things that are completely her responsibility. These are things you will never do. She will do them everytime. Then she has a defined list of things to do and knows she doesn't have to do more. And you will know those things are off your back.

Then use praise to reinforce your thankfulness to her. Over time she will probably enjoy your praise so much that she will want to do more.

6. *Find a common hobby.* This is a big one. It will glue you together much like sex. Both of you need interests and friends both outside your relationship AND outside your relationship. Two well adjusted, happy individuals = one well, adjusted relationship.

7. *Focus on the positive instead of the negative.* As soon as you get some of this baggage out of the way, you will want to move forward and start to focus on all the good parts of your relationship (if you both make the decision to stay together after you work through it).

Research has shown over and over that gratitude is the best way to happy individuals and happy relationships. Starting *30 Days of Gratitude* is an excellent way to begin. It costs nothing but it can completely transform the way you feel about each other. It works best if you both do this at the same time and post it somewhere you can both see it. 

I know this is a lot of information, but it's difficult to fix a relationship with just one tactic. Most need to be attacked from every angle. Hope this helps.

By the way, I have been married for 15 years and our relationship wasn't always roses either. (But it is now!)


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## Mavash.

I've been married for 20 years. Without chemistry and great sex we would have never made it. It's the glue that honestly has kept us together (for me anyway - can't speak for him).

But do I still find him sexually attractive after all these years? Yes.


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## aaaa

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do you genuinelly LIKE your wife and ENJOY spending time with her - or would you rather be somewhere else... with someone else, with the guys even ? I feel if you CRAVE time to be with your significant other, if you can communicate freely, laugh, talk about anything under the sun, BE your crazy self or even cry on their shoulders and you still feel loved , wanted and admired, you HAVE something "natural" with that other person.


Interesting question. As an INTJ, I've come to realize that I can be completely content on my own. I really figured this out - the fact that I have the ability to be happy on my own - over the summer when she went away on a school related trip for around 3 weeks. When she asked if I missed her, I made the mistake of saying, "well....no I guess, not really, I've found ways to keep myself busy and content." 

Do I enjoy spending time with her? Definitely. What I've missed most in the last year is her friendship. We had so much unresolved tension that I didn't even have that. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> *Sounds as though ...built up RESENTMENT is blinding you both to each other right now*........between disagreeing on cleanliness of the apartment, her feeling neglected, you wanting more sex & not feeling she is into it-lacking passion & purpose -feeling unsatisfactory, then the separation. Some real issues to get out on the table and work through.


Sounds like a pretty good assessment.


Thank you for your reply.


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## shy_guy

First, let me put a few things that I think are myths to rest in what you are saying. This is a man's perspective, and someone who has been VERY happily married for 27 years. 

1. Too young? I was 20, and my wife was 21 when we got married.

2. Not together long enough? I knew my wife 2 weeks before I propsed to her, and we were married about 3 months after we met. 

That's just the start, though. You're asking us what comes next.

First, another myth: Love is not a gooey feeling that you get when you look at her. Love is a conscious choice you make. Guaranteed, you will see other women that will tempt you (you're a man, it's gonna happen). Guaranteed, you will disagree, sometimes vehemently. Guaranteed, there are going to be times when both of you are going to wonder if it is worth it. This is where the decision comes in. 

Conscious decisions: You made one when you married her. You made one when you said you decided to honor your vows. You make one every time you see a woman who temps you and decide you will keep yourself for your wife. You make one every time you argue, and decide your wife is more important than your pride and you go back to reconcile. You make one every time you decide she (not it) really is worth it and go back to her. For that matter, you make that decision every day when you decide to come home after work, or on days when she is sick and you decide you're going to take care of her until she's healthy again (guaranteed, you're not going to have any gooey feelings like they describe in country songs on those days you have to care for her, nor she on those days she has to care for you).

So what's it like? Well, after 27 years, we still argue sometimes, but a lot of the things we used to argue about when we were younger don't seem so important anymore - wish I'd known how unimportant they were in those days. Mostly, I'd say we're very comfortable with each other. It seems very important to come home after work now. Overall, I have enjoyed growing to this age with this lady, and I look forward to growing older with her. Sure, we may have a few cricks and creaks where we didn't 20 years ago, but overall, I would much rather be with her than be single, and I can't think of anybody else I'd rather be with. After all, when I think of the best memories in my life, they consist of the birth of our children, the graduation of our daughters from college, softball national championship tournaments, wedding plans for one of our daughters, vacations to Hawaii and New Zealand, and you know something, my wife figures very prominently in every one of those sweet memories. We have those together, and she is the only one I can share those with and reminisce about those times with.

I still decide every day that I'm going to love her, but that doesn't mean I decide to get all gooey inside. Funny thing is, I still do sometimes - but not as much as you might think. Every day I decide I'm going to make my lady happy, secure, healthy, and make her feel like she's my high classed lady. Funny thing is she reciprocates very nicely.

As for sex, you can probably calculate my age from what I told you earlier. Sex in the late 40's is probably sweeter than at any other time in our lives. My wife and I were just discussing this earlier today, and she agreed with me. I'm very active recently in the "Sex in Marriage" forum, so if you're not easily embarassed, I am very open, honest, detailed, and explicit enough that I will not be misunderstood over there. Here I'll just say that it's only gotten better for us as we've gotten to this age, and I'm looking forward to finding if it can actually get sweeter in our next decade.


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