# Not even sure...



## sharkboy (Sep 29, 2015)

Not even sure why I'm posting this or if I should be posting it, but if nobody wants to read it I will just type to myself.

I was divorced over 3 years ago. I loved my wife more than anything in the world. Prior to the divorce we had two teenage kids, a beautiful house on a big piece of land, no financial problems, etc. She was a very beautiful woman and I've never thought of myself as that bad either...everybody always said we were perfect together. We had fun together, a great sex life, everything was just "normal". What more could you want?

But something happened. Something happened in her head that nobody around us, friends or family, could understand. Her behavior changed, her demeanor changed, her relationship with everyone she knew changed. Making a very long (4 year) story short, eventually we separated and I filed for divorce.

After the divorce, she began to associate with people that she would not have given the time of day before. She wouldn't listen to anyone that cared about her, only to people that would use her. She went through several different men of questionable character and alienated her sons and the rest of her family. She finally wound up with a career criminal living at her house on my dime, and, like I told several other people would happen, he murdered her.

Here's the thing, shortly after I was divorced I started spending time with an old friend from high school that I had always had fun with. She was still so cute and we fell crazy in love in no time at all, and we have since gotten engaged. I just feel weird about how much I think about my now deceased ex wife. I know in my heart and in my mind that she never would have been the way she was if something wasn't wrong in her head, and I really miss the person she was before. I really do love my fiancé and I wish I had spent my life with her from the beginning...sort of...but what happened to my sweet girl? Why did my sweet girl leave me (mentally at first) right in front of my eyes? She didn't get to see our oldest son's wedding, their graduations, nothing, but she doted on them before. I am still strangely heartbroken and I don't know when or if I will ever get over it. She was my friend.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Sharkboy what a terrible story, OMG. So sorry you and your kids went through this. I think it's probably kind of normal for you to think about your ex wife, since it sounds like you aren't sure exactly WHAT happened that made her change so much. Honestly it sounds like she got into drugs or something? With that many changes in her behavior, demeanor, etc. Was she on something or dealing with addiction? 

Can you go to individual counseling so you can try to get some resolution with this? Seems like even though you have moved on and found someone else special, that you are holding on to this until it somehow gets resolved in your mind, so you can move past it.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

sharkboy said:


> But something happened. Something happened in her head that nobody around us, friends or family, could understand. Her behavior changed, her demeanor changed, her relationship with everyone she knew changed. Making a very long (4 year) story short, eventually we separated and I filed for divorce.


That's probably one of the saddest stories I've ever read here and this forum is full of them.

Can you please elaborate on this 4 year time frame. How was she acting? What was she doing? What was the straw that broken the camels back that made you file for divorce? Was there an OM?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

That is a horrible story, I'm sorry you had to endure that. The mind is a mysterious place, and more powerful forces than us are at work there. I'm not sure someone ever 100% recovers from that magnitude of heartbreak, I believe it just gets less painful as time goes on. I know a lot of people want to believe in soul mates, but I don't think there is such a thing. It's completely ok for you to love someone again after the death of your spouse, and it shouldn't be a point of shame for you. Just be sure that your not grasping for comfort, and diving into a rebound relationship.

You may never understand why your wife did the things she did. I think you should try to focus on your future, and accept that the past is the past. Not to be insensitive, but she's gone, and there isn't any more to be done for her. Counseling may help if your struggling with your feelings inside, and may help you move on into a positive direction. Stay strong.

*Edited to add:* To an extent, I can understand how knowing why she did things would help you gain closure. So I wouldn't discourage you from looking for answers in productive areas, like asking people that she was around, or if she kept a diary, if she talked to a best friend, etc. But if none of those resources are available to you, then I would say you just need to accept that what's done is done, and not dwell on things that have no answers.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Please don't go off. We are definitely listening. 

My take is that she probably got hooked on drugs, or had a psychotic break....or maybe both. Drug use can start innocently and then grow in secret with no one knowing but the user. By the time the user's spouse and family realize what is happening it is already too late. The person is already in the lifestyle.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What a sad story. I'm so sorry.

I'm not sure that you will ever know what happened to her. It sound like she had some kind of a break down. As others have said, secret drug use could have caused this as well. I don't suppose anyone found any sort of journal written by her?

Are you in individual counseling? I think that it could help you put this to rest as much as it could be.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Firstly, I am so sorry to read of your loss and of your pain. You will be in my prayers tonight, as will your loved ones. Truly, truly sorry and saddening.

Secondly, a few things I'd like to mention. Get to a counsellor. You need to talk your way through this pain.

Additionally, do not beat yourself up. As you said, you tried for four years to figure out what happened and you and her family wanted to help her, you just couldn't. It's not your fault. I sense you are feeling guilt. Don't. It's ok to accept that what happened was inevitable. Again, counselling may help you through this and understand that what happened was no ones fault other than maybe hers. 

Finally, you still love your ex wife. Don't feel bad about that, even if you are getting married. She was the mother of your children, she cared for you for many years, you realized many dreams and shared memories with her. There's no reason at all to stop loving her. You will always have a special place for her and you should. It's the right thing to do. Don't feel guilty that you do. Talk to your fiancé and explain to her that you care and always will, but that level of love for your ex wife is similar to loving a parent who has passed away. You can still carry on with life and welcome and encourage new memories with her. Life does go on and you will love your fiancé to the same level you loved your ex wife, likely you already do. 

Come to terms and acceptance wit your feelings, don't feel bad for how you feel and for what happened. You did all that you could and what has happened is in the past. You won't lose the memory of your ex wife, but you need to lose the negative feelings and self blame that go along with her memory.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wow that's amazingly horrible.

I believe a lot of what I am is from my relationship with my W. She made me better.

It's ok to ALWAYS love your EX. She is part of you and built out a lot of what is good in you.

Share this with your new love. You are the best you because of the EX. Cherish that. Ask your STBW to cherish that. And ask her to celebrate - and grieve - with you - all the good that was in your EX.

Celebrate this with her - as a woman she will want to share this history and love with you. Trust me - open your heart on this with your new STBW and she will love you more


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Pretty much the same scenario happened to a guy that lived close to me, his daughter and my daughter were friends. He pined away for his diseased/ex wife for the next dozen years, he never referred to her as his ex, he always called her his wife. Not long after the kids graduated high school they found him dead full of drugs and alcohol, I never heard if it was accidental or suicide. His obituary mentioned that now he could be reunited with the love of his life, his wife who passed too soon.

OP the point of that similar story is my neighbor was never able to let go, and it consumed him with despair, her death became the center of his life. What happened in your life is a terrible tragedy, and in your mind it is a story that was never finished. You need to seek all the help you can to come to terms with what happened and focus on the here and now. Did you or the kids ever get any kind of counselling? I think everyone who reads your post will suggest that, and you already know dwelling about her isn't healthy. Get yourself help and consider getting the kids some help also, even if they are grown they may be feeling and thinking the same as you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Wow that's amazingly horrible.
> 
> I believe a lot of what I am is from my relationship with my W. She made me better.
> 
> ...


I'd add to this for the OP... Within reason. 

We all come with a past, and your fiancée should (and I hope does) respect this as you should respect her past. 

However, know that your fiancée wants to forge a new future with you, all of you, and your energy should primarily focus on this. You will never forget your ex, nor should you, just be wary that your fiancée deserves the best of you now. I hope my point comes across without seeming uncaring.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It's a sad day when you realize that you can love someone but you can't save someone from themselves. Sorry you are going through all this OP.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, that is so sad. My guess, based on what you described, is that she got into drugs. Possibly she started an affair which could have led her to drugs. That is exactly what happened to the ex of my now ex husband. She was having an affair with a man who introduced her to cocaine, then who knows what else. The family said she turned into a different person, tried to kill herself several times too. 

Maybe you are still having an issue because in the back of your mind, you are worried that the same thing will happen with the new wife?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> It's a sad day when you realize that you can love someone but you can't save someone from themselves. Sorry you are going through all this OP.


Yes. Like the line in "A River Runs Through It," we can love someone completely, without completely understanding them.

So sorry for what you and your sons have been through, OP. It's heartbreaking. I don't have any advice to add that hasn't already been given - just want you to know my heart goes out to you and your family, and I hope you'll find every happiness with your fiancée.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.” 
― Norman Maclean


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