# Where to start?



## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

I would first like to say hello to everyone and talk to some people possibly going through similar circumstances. I would like a unbiased opinion.

My wife and I have been married for about 5 years, and we have a beautiful son together who means the world to me. However, my wife and I never seem to get along together around her friends she is chatty and happy, around me she is aloof disinterested and plain old not happy. I guess the problems have gotten worse since we have moved from Florida to Kansas, it was a new place and she didn't have any friends, but eventually she made some and things got slightly better until she started hanging out with them pretty much everyday. I respectfully told her I would like more help around the house since I work full time, and she is a stay at home mother and also attends school part time. I would like to give a couple instances of things that drive me crazy. Earlier in the year she visited florida for about a week, which I was fine with since she hasn't visited since we moved (about a year). She is supposed to attend her brothers Army graduation in June and she told me about this however, about 3 weeks ago she tells me she is going to florida before hand turning a 1 week trip into an almost 3 week trip. I wasn't asked how I felt or anything it was basically just hey I'm doing this. I told her how I felt about not being included in the decision making process, Isn't that a part of marriage compromise and making larger decisions together as a couple? 

Well when I try to tell her how it makes me feel she will be dismissive / play on her phone and basically just listen to what I have to say she doesn't say I understand it makes sense or anything it's just her arguing why she should be able to do it "I'm my own person and I make my own decisions" I don't feel like I'm in a marriage I feel like I'm married to a woman who just does whatever she wants. We've been to counseling ; however, I don't think it's helping still the same old stuff she wants to do what she wants to do, and regardless of how I feel or how much sense it makes logically it still doesn't matter.

5 or so months ago she asked for more help around the house to be "Equal" and I started helping a LOT more to the point where I pretty much do everything , she herself has admitted that I do the lions share of the house work on top of having a full-time job. I don't know what to do I'm at my wits end I've tried to tell her this isn't how a marriage is supposed to work we are supposed to talk about things and make decisions together I basically don't want my son to be gone for almost 3 weeks, and on top of that we really don't have the money to go, so she gets a credit card and says I have a credit card so I can afford to go. It really just doesn't make sense to me Logically it isn't a good idea money wise/ for me I don't want my son gone that long. These are just a few of our problems I could write a laundry list of things. I just don't think she really cares I express how I feel and she always ends up doing what she wants anyway regardless. My brain says obviously she doesn't care I pay the bills I do most of the housework and I always have to bend to what she wants, and because of my reasons I don't want her to go she calls me manipulative and that I want to "Control" her. I've supported everything she has wanted to do I've made sacrifices to my sleep staying up half the day to watch our son (I'm on mid-shift) while she was going to school nearly everyday. I feel like I'm giving it everything I have and I'm not getting anything in return. Where do I go from here?

Sorry for the wall of text, really just overwhelmed I want it to work, but I don't think she will ever stop being so selfish. I really don't want my son to grow up without a constant father figure.

Thanks for reading.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Welcome to TAM! Can I ask how one week turned into 3 weeks?

You have every right to be mad, however, when did things start to go south with the two of you? Was it after she had the baby? Or before?


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

over20 said:


> Welcome to TAM! Can I ask how one week turned into 3 weeks?
> 
> You have every right to be mad, however, when did things start to go south with the two of you? Was it after she had the baby? Or before?


Sorry we talked about her going to her brothers graduation prior, but one night she just told me she was going to go to florida before hand thus turning the 1 week trip into an almost 3 week trip. We've always had petty arguments our whole relationship, the petty stuff is pretty non-existent, but I think another problem is I tell her how I feel and she says "It's not that big of a deal". Which turns into a big argument because I don't know how someone can constantly belittle how I feel about things a partner is supposed to care how you feel.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sigh...
Check phone records put a voice activated recorder in her car and a keylogger on the computer for starts.
And please read "No more mr nice guy"

Put a var in the house also.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

RaVen86 said:


> I guess the problems have gotten worse since we have moved from Florida to Kansas, it was a new place and she didn't have any friends, but eventually she made some and things got slightly better until she started hanging out with them pretty much everyday.


Is it possible she resents the move to Kansas. I don't really know where you used to live in Florida. It would seem to me that going from Florida to Kansas would be a HUGE culture shock. 

I live in Missouri, (Misery. lol) and their is no way I would move to Kansas.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yep. Playing nice never keeps the peace. It'll make her think of you as less of a man, though. 

I am not saying to be a jerk or act abusively. However, what would you tell a pal who said all this to you? You'd recognize that he needs to stop paying for her free ride, right? Personally, I'd tell her to stay in Florida (as long as my son was staying with me, that is!) until she decides to CHOOSE you. 

Interested people act interested. How is she acting? Who is she acting interested in?


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> Yep. Playing nice never keeps the peace. It'll make her think of you as less of a man, though.
> 
> I am not saying to be a jerk or act abusively. However, what would you tell a pal who said all this to you? You'd recognize that he needs to stop paying for her free ride, right? Personally, I'd tell her to stay in Florida (as long as my son was staying with me, that is!) until she decides to CHOOSE you.
> 
> Interested people act interested. How is she acting? Who is she acting interested in?


She's acting interested in herself. I just asked her why she didn't clean up dog poop (we have two dogs) She says "it's your dog" and I didn't want too I said what kind of attitude is that? and then she says I just won't talk to you that'll fix it. If I had a friend like this I could tell you they wouldn't be my friend anymore. 

About 3 weeks ago I asked her if she wanted to work out with me, she said today was her off day and she didn't want to work out. 1 hour later her friend texts her and says do you want to work out and she says yes to her, then invites me.


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

She's had jobs on and off though our relationship I'd say about maybe half of our relationship she's had a job. She just saw the post and got pissed off and clammed up. She said It was one sided, I invited her to the forum to put her side. So maybe I can find out what the problem is because she certainly doesn't communicate it to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope she does post here. There are always two sides to every story.


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I hope she does post here. There are always two sides to every story.


Agreed I would love to have an unbiased opinion. I invited her to post


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you two been married?

How old are you both? 

I'm just asking to get some perspective.


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you two been married?
> 
> How old are you both?
> 
> I'm just asking to get some perspective.


Since 2010. I'm 28 and she is 25 She also had a child when she was a teenager 16 so she never felt like she got to experience a typical teens to early 20's. I try to be understanding and let her have fun go out have girls nights, and stuff like that.


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## DriVenresilance89 (Jun 4, 2014)

Ok I'm the allegedly horrible wife of RaVen86 also known as Andrew. I bust my ass. I move 1,200 miles across country from the beaches of Florida to TORNADO ALLY Kansas, away from my hometown, family and friends in support of RAVEN86 military career, worked many bull**** unfulfilling jobs, was full time up until recently to stay home for summer with our 2 kids, went to school FULL time and managed a 3.1 GPA. IF IT WERENT FOR ALGEBRA. AND still managed to cook dinner 5 nights a week. Which not to mention lost almost HALF of my college credits in the transfer towards my RN and forfeited majority of my scholarship. Maybe all that doesn't mean anything to you, or anyone on this forum but to me it shows how rock hard I have to be under tremendous pressure. But you care more about stupid laundry. I make sure kids are fed, bathed, and loved. I care about a future for myself for the better of the entire family in the long run.
There's two sides to every story and then there is the truth. I am not unfaithful. He is trolling on dating websites like plenty of fish. He makes himself out like such an angel but we have issues yes. I married young, at 19. I was a teen mother from a very broken home. I have grown into someone else since the marriage began. I no longer believe in sexist roles and everything a housewife entails. I thought that's what I wanted at 19. At 25, I am a different person and Andrew has difficult time accepting change. I embrace change. We are just growing apart but one agreement is that we love our mutual son above everything.
It's not a boxing match. I don't want or need random people I don't know in my corner to take my side to make me feel validated. Andrew isolates himself, makes no attempts to have actual friends other than online. He is engulfed daily from the time he wakes up in video games like WOW. Technology ruins marriages.


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

DriVenresilance89 said:


> Ok I'm the allegedly horrible wife of RaVen86 also known as Andrew. I bust my ass. I move 1,200 miles across country from the beaches of Florida to TORNADO ALLY Kansas, away from my hometown, family and friends in support of RAVEN86 military career, worked many bull**** unfulfilling jobs, was full time up until recently to stay home for summer with our 2 kids, went to school FULL time and managed a 3.1 GPA. IF IT WERENT FOR ALGEBRA. AND still managed to cook dinner 5 nights a week. Which not to mention lost almost HALF of my college credits in the transfer towards my RN and forfeited majority of my scholarship. Maybe all that doesn't mean anything to you, or anyone on this forum but to me it shows how rock hard I have to be under tremendous pressure. But you care more about stupid laundry. I make sure kids are fed, bathed, and loved. I care about a future for myself for the better of the entire family in the long run.
> There's two sides to every story and then there is the truth. I am not unfaithful. He is trolling on dating websites like plenty of fish. He makes himself out like such an angel but we have issues yes. I married young, at 19. I was a teen mother from a very broken home. I have grown into someone else since the marriage began. I no longer believe in sexist roles and everything a housewife entails. I thought that's what I wanted at 19. At 25, I am a different person and Andrew has difficult time accepting change. I embrace change. We are just growing apart but one agreement is that we love our mutual son above everything.
> It's not a boxing match. I don't want or need random people I don't know in my corner to take my side to make me feel validated. Andrew isolates himself, makes no attempts to have actual friends other than online. He is engulfed daily from the time he wakes up in video games like WOW. Technology ruins marriages.


I told you I made the dating profile because I felt guilty after 2 months of telling you we need to work on our communication and telling you things are not going well. I Spend time with the family, and when the kids go to bed I then get on the computer, because we cannot have a civil discussion without you shutting down. I have no problem accepting change, you seem stuck that I'm a sexist controlling person. What change do I have trouble accepting?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DriVenresilance89,

I'm glad that you posted here. Why? Because we seldom get "the rest of the story". And I know that there is usually much more to the story. 

I'm writing up response to both posts. I hope to hear more from you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RaVen86 said:


> I told you I made the dating profile because I felt guilty after 2 months of telling you we need to work on our communication and telling you things are not going well. I Spend time with the family, and when the kids go to bed I then get on the computer, because we cannot have a civil discussion without you shutting down. I have no problem accepting change, you seem stuck that I'm a sexist controlling person. What change do I have trouble accepting?


There is no excuse in the world that justifies your making a profile on Plenty of Fish. How is that going to help anything at all? It’s one click away from infidelity. You owe your wife a HUGE apology. 

What is DriVenresilance89 doing while you are on the computer looking for women to cheat with?

It takes two to tango. You own 50% of the problems in your marriage. I get that you are frustrated. So is your wife. The two of you can fix this. The best thing that the two of you can do is get create a loving marriage so that your son has an intact family with two loving parents.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Neither of you are handling this well at all. He should NOT be on a dating site, no matter what is going wrong in the marriage. Get off it now.

The wife shouldn't be away for 3 weeks either, unreasonable. You don't plan to be away from you're husband for that long without discussing it with him first (and vice versa).

OP your wife has needs that you're obviously not meeting and she's now resentful of you. You need to find out what those needs are and then do everything in your power to meet them. Happy wives don't plan 3 week trips away from their husbands. I couldn't bare to be away from Mr Frusdil for 3 weeks, I'd miss him terribly.

In turn, your wife needs to find out what your needs are, and do all in her power to meet them.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There is no excuse in the world that justifies your making a profile on Plenty of Fish. How is that going to help anything at all? It’s one click away from infidelity. You owe your wife a HUGE apology.
> 
> What is DriVenresilance89 doing while you are on the computer looking for women to cheat with?
> 
> It takes two to tango. You own 50% of the problems in your marriage. I get that you are frustrated. So is your wife. The two of you can fix this. The best thing that the two of you can do is get create a loving marriage so that your son has an intact family with two loving parents.


I had the profile for two days before I told her I browsed, and didn't use it again. As i said I felt guilty and told her about it and apologized.

-Frusdil I have asked my wife what she needs from me the only thing she has told me is help around the house more so she doesn't feel overwhelmed that was about 3 months ago. I've been doing a LOT around the house. She doesn't communicate her needs to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RaVen86 said:


> I had the profile for two days before I told her I browsed, and didn't use it again. As i said I felt guilty and told her about it and apologized.
> 
> -Frusdil I have asked my wife what she needs from me the only thing she has told me is help around the house more so she doesn't feel overwhelmed that was about 3 months ago. I've been doing a LOT around the house. She doesn't communicate her needs to me.


Well in your post above you made all kinds of excuses for doing it. 

It's a good thing that you did the right thing after wards.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RaVen86 said:


> -Frusdil I have asked my wife what she needs from me the only thing she has told me is help around the house more so she doesn't feel overwhelmed that was about 3 months ago. I've been doing a LOT around the house. She doesn't communicate her needs to me.


When someone asks what you (generic 'you') need, it's often very hard to know what to say. Most of us have no clue what we need... but when we are not getting what we need we know that we don't good about things. 

There are two very good books that help a couple figure out what they need, how to talk about it and how to meet each other's needs. I hope with you and your wife will get the books, read them and work through them. The books are "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, I can read your wife's post and tell what some of her needs are.

While I'm doing that.. can you answer a question for me. HOw many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, doing date-like things, just the two of you?


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> By the way, I can read your wife's post and tell what some of her needs are.
> 
> While I'm doing that.. can you answer a question for me. HOw many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, doing date-like things, just the two of you?


Just us two? Rarely ever don't have a baby sitter. she said she wants to "Date" more which i agree we could use more time alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RaVen86, I’m writing this to you because you are the one who started this thread. Yes I know that you feel that your needs are not being met as well. But one of you is going to have to take the first step to get your marriage back on track. You came here and asked, so I’m talking mostly to you.

My guess at some of your wife’s needs (she can tell you/us if I’m wrong):

*Appreciation/Respect (admiration). *
•	Your wife needs for you to have appreciation/respect (admiration) of her for the significant sacrifices she has made to support YOUR career. 
•	She needs for you to admire that she is working to continue her education despite losing credit hours, her scholarship etc. 
•	She needs your appreciation for the jobs she has been working. 

Your original post made it sound like she was a lazy SAHM. Your wife has been working, going to school, taking care of the children and doing stuff… like cooking dinner. She’s not a lazy woman.

What do you think that you could do to show her that you do respect and appreciate her for all of the things that she has given up and done? This is not a onetime thing… it’s a daily thing. (One thing I can think of is to go out and celebrate that 3.1 GPA).

*Domestic Support*
She’s told you clearly that she needs you to do your fair share. IT’s not you helping her because they are your children too and it’s your house too. You have as much responsibility for these things as she does. It’s a partnership.

When your wife is in school, working and taking care of the children, she’s working as hard as you are at work. Here education has to be treated as a job. Someday it will pay huge benefits financially for you both. So with both parents basically putting in full time effort. Household chores, child care when you are home, etc. should be divided 50/50. You say that they are not. The two of you need to work that out. 

*Honesty and Openness*
The plenty of fish thing falls under this one. 
*
Affection, Recreational Companionship*

Neither of you mentioned these needs. But from the raw ness of both of your posts and the fact that you did not mention it, wonder if you are meeting her needs in this area. I asked you how much time the two of you spend together but you have not answered. To maintain the connection and passion in a marriage, a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, doing things that they both enjoy.. just the two of them. Have the two of you stopped dating each other?

The Most Important Emotional Needs


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RaVen86 said:


> Just us two? Rarely ever don't have a baby sitter. she said she wants to "Date" more which i agree we could use more time alone.


See there, she told you another one of her needs that is not being met.

You need to find ways to get in that 15 hours a week. If you want to get that loving feeling back even quicker, make it more than 15.

You will not be able to fix your marriage until you two start dating again. Now this does not imply spending big $$. 

A date can be a walk, where you hold hands and just talk. It can be a picnic in park.

Or after the kids go to bed at night, the two of you have a drink (tea, wine.. whatever) and you sit talk, snuggle, just hang out.

If the two of you put your heads together you can find baby sitters. Are there other couples in your unit that have children? You can take turns baby sitting for each other. 

Military bases often have low cost child care available for this very purpose.


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## DriVenresilance89 (Jun 4, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Neither of you are handling this well at all. He should NOT be on a dating site, no matter what is going wrong in the marriage. Get off it now.
> 
> The wife shouldn't be away for 3 weeks either, unreasonable. You don't plan to be away from you're husband for that long without discussing it with him first (and vice versa).
> 
> ...


As a military wife our situation is unique in the aspect of being away 3 weeks from my husband means 3 weeks with my parents and other family in my hometown. It's not a vacation to Hawaii without him. Deployments are 6 months minimum, however we haven't had any yet in last 7 years active duty. I did discuss the trip with him and I profusely apologized after not asking for "permission" first to see my family. I discussed with him far enough (3 month) in advance that he could also attend and was invited but he does not take interest in my family or friends or activities. I go to EVERY SINGLE parent teacher conferences alone even when he is home and not working.. I feel like a single parent even though I'm actually married. I'm married to social recluse. He gets very aggressive and angry when I call my family on the phone and he feels that I talk "to them too much" even if it's just about how my kids are doing in school. Says I don't need to call them it's excessive and get off the tit already. I'm sorry but classic signs of controlling person is someone who separates you from family, manipulates you by verbally abuses you by cursing and name calling. Of course I want to be in Florida for 3 weeks. My family doesn't treat me the way I'm treated in my marriage. I have walmart cashiers nicer to me than my husband some days.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DriVenresilance89, I hope you are still reading here. 



You are right, you getting your nursing degree will help your family quite a bit in the long run. It’s the right thing to do. Good for not giving up. A lot of people would have. Your husband should be 100% behind you on this. 



Being a military wife if hard. My mom a military wife. We moved all over the world with all 8 of us children in tow. I was also in the Army for 4 years. So I have a bit of clue on both sides of this.


I agree that happy wives do not plan 3 week trips away from their husband without his agreement. It’s not permission, its agreement. 

When RaVen86 is telling you that he’s upset about you going, he’s telling you that he loves you and the children. He does not want to be away from you all that long. I don’t blame him. He has every right to feel that way. People cannot help their feelings. If you want him to respect your feelings, you need to respect his. It goes both ways. He’s not a sexist or a control freak because of this.

You are upset about moving to Kansas for his military career. I get it. You are also entitled to your feelings. However you are married. When you marry, your spouse becomes your main family. His career is what is putting a roof over all of your heads, feeding you all etc. How long are you going to hold on to the anger and punish him for this? When a person holds on to anger long after it should have been resolved, it’s because the anger gives them power over the other person. You got to let this go and stop using it to beat him up for this?

Your husband is going to work every day, supporting you and the children. He’s doing a good share of things around the house. He as a need to be admired and respected. Your anger at the very thing that he spends hours a day doing to support your family is showing huge disrespect to him. 

Between both of your posts, it’s clear that both of you are saying what you feel and what you need. But neither of you is listening to the other. Both of you have needs that the other is not meeting. 


By the way, are you aware of this?


Transfer Post-9/11 GI Bill to Spouse and Dependents
The transferability option under the Post-9/11 GI Bill allows Servicemembers to transfer all or some unused benefits to their spouse or dependent children. The Department of Defense (DoD) determines whether or not you can transfer benefits to your family. Once the DoD approves benefits for transfer, the new beneficiaries apply for them at VA. To find out more, visit the DoDs website or apply now.


Transfer Post-9/11 GI Bill to Spouse and Dependents - Education and Training


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I sense you've both internally decided to make each other "Plan B" while you gather the strength and motivation to get out of your marriage.

It's not necessarily a 'terrible' choice as far as your own self-growth is concerned, but it's not hard to predict where your marriage is headed in less than 2 years.

Your wife's admission to having grown into a whole different person since 19 and wanting different things in life is quite telling. She also admits the fact that you two are growing apart and the only shared love is for your son. This is a fairly straightforward translation of "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" that many men on this forum get from their wives just before getting dumped.

Statistically and naturally, men are more inclined to staying in the wrong marriage these days (as surprising as that may be), so it's no wonder that you're the one posting about your marriage problems first and your wife's angry reaction to this is a clear sign of her wanting to get out of this marriage 'easy'. 

I think I'm right in detecting that you feel you love your wife more than she loves you (sorry for being so blunt), and that in itself means you're more fearful of losing your wife than she is of losing you. If that is the case, you're at a big disadvantage that needs to be overcome. 

I also sense a bit of fear in your description of the events and interactions with your wife. This is directly affecting your attractiveness rank and the respect you receive in your relationship. It is also filling you with resentments.

Along with everything EleGirl posted, you should reevaluate/find your alpha-traits and decide where you want to draw the line. Being told off or getting ignored while expressing your emotional concerns is not exactly something you should be tolerating. 

I'm just going by what you and your wife have posted, so I apologize if I'm totally off the mark.


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## RaVen86 (Jun 4, 2014)

synthetic said:


> I sense you've both internally decided to make each other "Plan B" while you gather the strength and motivation to get out of your marriage.
> 
> It's not necessarily a 'terrible' choice as far as your own self-growth is concerned, but it's not hard to predict where your marriage is headed in less than 2 years.
> 
> ...


I am drawing the line which is why our relationship is in the state it is in. I told her I will not accept the way she just decides to do something without talking to me it's not healthy and it's not something I want out of my wife. It's really unfortunate because I feel like more often than not I'm supportive. I express my concerns and she ends up still doing what she wanted to do in the first place (The trip to Florida). I've done my fair share of compromising and trying to support her list of needs//wants. 

The thing that sucks is I can never get a straight answer, I ask her if this is how our relationship is always going to be as in are you always gonna do what you want regardless? I just feel this isn't a marriage and she always does what she wants to do. She constantly feels the need to emphasize that she is her OWN person and she can make her own decisions. (I think it should be a joint decision since this is a marriage and all). I don't know I will try to talk to her again today.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Kansas. Army. Fort Leonard Wood?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

RaVen86 said:


> I am drawing the line which is why our relationship is in the state it is in. I told her I will not accept the way she just decides to do something without talking to me it's not healthy and it's not something I want out of my wife. It's really unfortunate because I feel like more often than not I'm supportive. I express my concerns and she ends up still doing what she wanted to do in the first place (The trip to Florida). I've done my fair share of compromising and trying to support her list of needs//wants.
> 
> The thing that sucks is I can never get a straight answer, I ask her if this is how our relationship is always going to be as in are you always gonna do what you want regardless? I just feel this isn't a marriage and she always does what she wants to do. She constantly feels the need to emphasize that she is her OWN person and she can make her own decisions. (I think it should be a joint decision since this is a marriage and all). I don't know I will try to talk to her again today.


Although individuality is an important aspect of life and no one should get dissolved in codependency, you're quite right that this is not a marriage and if she wants to be her "OWN" person and do whatever she wants then you're better off divorcing her. 

Chances are she is only going to feel more trapped by this marriage as she makes further progress in her nursing studies and learns more about her options in life. She also states that she came from a fairly broken family. This is an important contributor to the personality she has developed. I'm not sure what she has done to deal with the childhood damages she has suffered, but if she hasn't done anything, there's a good chance you're dealing with a disordered spouse who may lack the necessary emotional tools to nurture a marriage in the long term. 

Overall, I would say you should prepare to get out of this marriage if your wife sees little wrong with her behavior and share of contribution. Going to nursing school does not mean you owe her anything. If anything, she owes you a lot of appreciation for making it possible for her to do this. Given her behavior, chances are she will leave you once she gains enough momentum in her career. This is quite common in your circumstances. Do some reading around this forum and get familiar with the patterns.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

At age 19 OP's W wanted one life then admits she changed and wants something else...married under false pretenses? Sorry OP, she is not the woman you married! Your call if you choose to honor the "for better or worse" part of your vows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

People change over time. It’s a given. A marriage that cannot adapt to reasonable changes will not last long.

The highest divorce levels are in marriages in which the women is under 25 and/or the man is under 30. This is exactly why. The human brain does not even finish maturing until about age 25. A person at 20/21 is often nothing like they are at 25/30 and beyond. 

There is an interesting book named “Passages” that talks about the stages in a person’s life and how we change with each of them.

From what has been said here, it sounds like DriVenresilance89 has realized that she wants to have a career. There is nothing at all wrong with that. It’s a good thing. Both spouses should be able to develop their potential, not just the husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RaVen86 said:


> I am drawing the line which is why our relationship is in the state it is in. I told her I will not accept the way she just decides to do something without talking to me it's not healthy and it's not something I want out of my wife. It's really unfortunate because I feel like more often than not I'm supportive. I express my concerns and she ends up still doing what she wanted to do in the first place (The trip to Florida). I've done my fair share of compromising and trying to support her list of needs//wants.


Do you consider supporting her list of needs is compromising?


RaVen86 said:


> The thing that sucks is I can never get a straight answer, I ask her if this is how our relationship is always going to be as in are you always gonna do what you want regardless?
> I just feel this isn't a marriage and she always does what she wants to do.


You will never get an answer out of anyone by asking a question like that. It’s so open ended that it cannot be answered. Of course she’s going do what she wants often. Any adult should be able to. 

There is a small set of things in a marriage that the couple needs to use a policy of joint agreement. Some of these are 3 week trips, spending large sums of money, moving, etc that have to be made as a joint agreement. 

Besides this 3 week trip, can you give a few more examples of the things that you feel she does that are unilateral that bother you?



RaVen86 said:


> She constantly feels the need to emphasize that she is her OWN person and she can make her own decisions. (I think it should be a joint decision since this is a marriage and all). I don't know I will try to talk to her again today.


It sounds like she is struggling to figure out how to balance being married and being her own person. 

I assume the it that should be a joint decision is the 3 week trip. I agree on that one. It’s a big thing.

I have some questions:
When did DriVenresilance89 start working on the nursing degree? Was it before or after you got married?
Did RaVen86 joint the military before or after marriage? 

How long after you go married did all move to Kansas? Did you know about the move when you married?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Welcome to the forum OP.

Sounds like you need to sit her down and ask her to have a serious conversation.

Before you do, you need some rules when it comes to arguing. I know that these might already be in place but since this is VERY important, I will go over few.
- Complete attention (no phone)
- no anger/attitude (if you sense it from you or her, come back later)
- no name calling

Etc etc

*Issue #1*
I would start with housework. You work, she is stay at home mother. Express to her that you took on WAY too much and are doing more than your share....and she isn't. She needs to start doing her share.

Since you have a full time job and she has a part time job I think it would be fair to say you should be taking care of 25%-33% of the work at home.

Regardless of her response, you let go of the % that's not yours and hold her up to her %.

Have a discussion on what exactly you will be doing and what she is responsible for.

*Issue #2*
Financial negligence - explain to her that you 2 cannot afford the Florida trip and credit card is not money you have. Go over the consequences of living beyond means and how you can be a slave to the bank. 

You are not agreeing to her going simply based on this fact. If you can't afford it, there really isn't much else to it.

While on this subject also tell her how important good credit is in life. you need it to find a good job, apartment, future loans/house....etc. This is VERY important for your future together.

*Issue #3*
This issue is the most important and should be at the top of your priority list. 

The reason why I state it now is because I would probably take "ease into it" approach with your wife (just the gut feeling I get here).

Tell her what you said in your original post. You feel like you are not on a team, you feel like she is selfish to make decisions on her own and act as if she her "alone". 

You need to express how this makes you feel and how it effects your marriage.

I would also tell her that this is a huge issue and you are considering ending your marriage if it doesn't get worked on or steps are not taken to address it.

OP, trust me when I say this (and I have a feeling you already know this) you DO NOT want to continue this relationship with this woman if she doesn't change. You do NOT want to know what your future holds if she continues this behavior.

*Issue # 4*

Companionship. There is very little. If you want to track the time she spends with her friends vs you and show it to her on paper (do it). But I would ask her why is it that she wants to spend more time with friends than you. 

OP, trust me when I say this (and I have a feeling you already know this) you DO NOT want to continue this relationship with this woman if she doesn't change. You do NOT want to know what your future holds if she continues this behavior.

You have to put EVERYTHING on the line here IMO.

Marriage is about compromise, companionship and commitment. You have 1, commitment. 

Without compromise or companionship this marriage will only make you more miserable the longer it lasts.

Keep your child completely OUT of your thinking/brain process. It's as unhealthy for him to witness this relationship and learn from it as it is for you to get divorced.

Good luck, keep us posted.


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