# my wife hates affection. is divorce my only option?



## maximus d. (Feb 28, 2013)

Never thought id end up at a relationship forum but here i am

My wife and I are both 39. We've been married for 14 years. Been together 22 years. We have one beautiful daughter who is 7.
We both work and make a good living.

As of today we have not kissed in about 2 years. We havent had any physical contact in 4 months. When we did have sex it was horrible. She would just lie there until it was done. Great feeling to have, that your partner is just going through the motions just to get it over with. There is no hand holding, hugging, back rubs, nothing. And it is killing me very slowly. I have initiated countless discussions with her over why we are in this predicament. Her only answer is that she was not raised to be affectionate. Thats it. Then she agrees to try to change. She tries for a couple of months and then everything goes back to "normal". She has gone to counseling. Didnt help. She doesnt want to talk about our lack of affection anymore. Its an old and tired subject. Thats just the way she is.

I carry my weight around the house. I stay in good shape. We still go out and have fun. We just dont have anymore physical contact!!! I told her 2 nights ago that i want out. She told me she'd try to change. I told her forget it, im done. I dont want to be around her anymore cause i still love her and am still really attracted to her and its pure torture to not be able to just hug her or kiss her and not have those feelings returned. Am i wrong for wanting to leave? I want to keep our family together but i cannot fathom going through the rest of my life with someone who has decided that a relationship with zero contact is ok. Is divorce the answer?!?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Only you can answer that question. But if I were you I would explore all avenues before divorce. MC would be a good start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## redskin10 (Feb 28, 2013)

Maximus, 

I came across your post while doing an internet search on the exact thing you're going through. My wife's level of intimacy has declined sharply in the years we've been married. We have beautiful 4yr old twins and us too, make a very good living. My wife and I were intimate maybe 3 or 4 times in 2012. Just once so far in 2013. Hand holding is a distant memory for me. Unless I make a move to get a hug or kiss in the morning, it isn't going to happen. She's affectionate with the kids, but more and more I'm feeling like I'm just a roommate. I try to think back of what made me fall in love and consider this woman to be my wife and my memory becomes a haze. This has become my new reality and it's agonizing.

To make matters worse, thanks to technology and Facebook, my previous girlfriend who I spent 11 years with and was always super affectionate contacted me. Foolishly, we got together after almost a decade and she quickly reminded me of what real affection is all about and it was incredibly intoxicating. I didn't sleep with my ex, but the level of affection we share reminded me that this is an important aspect of a relationship that is sorely missing and I don't know what to do.

I've contacted a marriage counselor to go speak with individually at first, then hopefully as a couple. The lines of communication over affection with my wife have broken down to the point where I'm scared to open my mouth. I think about divorce as an option, but then I get worried for my kids. I love them so much.

In this day and age, divorce is just too easy, but it may be your option. I recommend going through some steps first to try to work it out. That's what I'm going to do. See a therapist, maybe alone first, then bring your wife in. Lay it all out. If things don't change, then it may be time to find what you need in someone else.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey Max-

Same her for me. I could have wrote your post. 21 years here with a 9 year old.It seems like she just has sex so I will stay. My wife is more affectionate with our dog, which by the way is named Cupid. I am still wanted my wife to be shot with his love dart! She is trying, it never last very long though.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

May I ask if your wife was affectionate to you when you were dating and when you first were married? If she wasn't then why did you marry her in the first place. I doubt she was a cold fish in the beginning.

Because if she wasn't then there is something you aren't doing correctly or there is something that she hates about you and probably finds repulsive. You're going to have to dig deeper to find out, but I can guarantee you the reason is there.


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## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

Don't assume that the OP is doing something wrong. Those of us who have been in a sexless marriage as long as the OP have certainly done and read everything we could. There isn't always a reason for the refuser's behavior. Even if there is, the odds of them changing are not good. You will not find many situations like this that have a happy ending.

I'm going on 17 years myself. In my case my wife was never physically affectionate after we got married. I have tried everything. If we didn't have two kids, it would be easier to leave. I've been sitting on the fence for years but just can't bring myself to break up my kids' home.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Speedbump my wife was affectionate to start and gradually lost it until one day it was non-existent. She put our two children in the same room between us so there was no chance of any affection. That got the better of me. I became angry and grumpy because my affection was not being returned. In the end, she left me thinking I was a grumpy and highly irritable guy. 

I kept tabs on her for two months after she left. I knew there was no OM when she was with me. I bugged everything and hired a private detective to be sure. Nothing came up. However, I learned that she was very flirty and touch feely with some other guys when she went out with friends after we separated. 

So why is this? Probably because she was no longer attracted to me. Unless there is a psychological disorder with your wife, I believe there is a real reason why she doesn't show any affection. I agree, the odds of changing may not be good, but you need to find out what the reason is, make some changes and see how it goes.


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