# wife threw the lamp at me last night



## cadream (Oct 2, 2015)

Hello All, 
first time poster.

I will do some background and keep it brief as possible. 

Been Married over 20 years with 3 kids middle to high school age. 
We moved to a beach town in S California a few years ago . Great town, expensive housing and good schools. We moved from another state (nv) that had less expensive housing ,bigger houses, worse schools etc. 
I am in real estate. Wife works. We rent here as RE prices here are out of control.

most of my business is in the place we moved from (vegas). I flip houses and am a broker.

She is extremely unhappy with our current living "conditions" . About every week or so she goes into a verbal thrashing :

-why do we have to live in this dump (1800 sq ft alley house 4 beds 2 blocks from beach)? 
-why aren't you doing more real estate out here? (I am trying)
-we had so much and now we have nothing? (still have some good assets and great kids)
-you love fishing more than me(my hobby)
- we have no plan. (get the kids through school here)
-I hear all the neighbors all the time (we are on top of each other in this beach town on this alley)
-you aren't the same guy I married (ouch)
-what happened to your motivation?
-why wont you come near me anymore?
-we are just room mates!


Anyway a few years of this has left me with smashed confidence, low esteem as well as walking perpetually on eggshells around her as I never know when the thrashing will come out. But come out it will. She treats me like a kid and is not one to "build up your hubby" 

Last night It came out again when she heard one of the neighbors TV's being too loud. 
I basically tried to stay calm but let out exactly how I felt (which may not have been a great move)
I said:
-a change of houses will not make you happy
-you expect me to want to get on top of you after you verbally tear me down? (I don't want to go "near her" for awhile now)
-you treat me like garbage and don't respect me (oh oh)
-I am doing 90% of the stuff around here (oops)
-The kids see all this and know what is going on (here it comes)
-you treat me like my mom treated my dad (boom)

lamp comes off the side of bed and is thrown at me. No damage except my marriage of course. 

SO now what? She is threatening to leave. 

She has left in the past and has had extra maritial "incidents" multiple times. I forgave her for those (haven't forgotten ). 
I have been faithful always. Yes, maybe had thoughts, but never "did". 

Of course there are 2 sides to every story. I get it. no one is perfect and usually the situation is more down the middle than the poster thinks. 

-Am I under achieving out here? yes I could do more- a lot more
-do I shut down ? yes 
-can I get a larger house ? yes rent maybe but its not the smartest move, cant wait to pay 5-6k in rent
-am I not having physical relations with her? yes 


I am not sure what to do . On some fronts it sounds silly and on others it seems sad. 

Most of all I do not want the kids to have to "split their time in two households-ever"
*that is my number one priority. *

Any help ,any thoughts and/or suggestions would be appreciated.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you're not willing to divorce - and I really think you should reconsider that stance - then if she ever attacks you again, call the police, file a domestic violence complaint, and do not change your mind about it. You'll at least have some leverage over her behavior in the future once you have this on record, and some protection against her doing the same to you.

I don't know if it's too late to file a complaint now unless there is evidence such as a broken lamp with her fingerprints and maybe a dent in the wall.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Maybe you should tell her the reason you don't want 'relations' is because she acts like a spoiled, entitled, whingy b!tch who needs to take responsibility for her own happiness?

Lots of people have job and money issues. If she wants more money, she should go out and make some.

If she doesn't like her house, she should spend time finding a better place to live.

If she wants to be made love to, she needs to act deserving of love. Tell her she can start by not being a cheating ho.

I know every marriage is a story of 2, but you sound very long suffering and devoted to your family. I wish you well and, since you won't divorce, would just say to find yourself a good set of earplugs. Get some for her too, it may help with the neighbour noise.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

If the genders were reversed in this story, you would not be living at home and there would be a restraining order. The reason for this is that you are more likely to be killed by your spouse than any person. Please take this seriously.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

First of all she is violent. Start reporting this to the police (for her own good) - believe me, it will make her think twice before getting physical the next time. She has to control her anger and if she needs help with this, she should get it. You don't want this happening in the house not only for your well being but also you don't want your kids thinking this is normal or OK.

Second - WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY SHE HAS HAD SOME EXTRA MARITAL EXPERIENCES THAT YOU HAVE FORGIVEN !?!?!?!?!?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Second - WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY SHE HAS HAD SOME EXTRA MARITAL EXPERIENCES THAT YOU HAVE FORGIVEN !?!?!?!?!?


Yes this. Why do you let her cheat on you with no consequences ?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"SO now what? She is threatening to leave." Now, you say "don't let the door hit you in the azz". What are you losing besides a complaining, blame-shifting, abusive adulterer? She was in on the decision to move to Cali and to rent the house, wasn't she?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Very few women will treat a doormat very well, and your wife isn't an exception.
Stop being a doormat!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

What became of the "Extramarital Incidents"? How many is some?

Have you heard of the 180?

(http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/267658-healing-heart-180-all-newbies.html)

Read this NOW


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## cadream (Oct 2, 2015)

barbados said:


> Yes this. Why do you let her cheat on you with no consequences ?


thanks for the reply guys and gals. 

Well that is a good question. It has been over five years (hopefully since last occurance) . It is about the Kids. And the theory of "unconditional love" . How ever hard to actually do, I tried to adhere to this concept( Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten this concept in past couple years) .

The funny part about the mishaps that I got wind of - it all was my fault, of course (you are distant ,non communicative, in your own world, all work etc etc).
I always felt that this was my biggest issue. She did the bad stuff and I was feeling guilty and was the one who had to walk on eggshells(should be reversed) and win her back. Why do I have to tip toe around everything? Tip toe I did . And still do.


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## cadream (Oct 2, 2015)

Yeah it was her idea to move to Cali. 
I went along with it as We needed a change from Las Vegas where we were for 12 years. 
No one dragged me here. I love the ocean ,fishing, sailing but really don't feel alive here for whatever reason. I feel more like I am existing. 
Its weird. Perfect weather. Blocks to the Ocean and I feel defeated.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Because you live with an emotional vampire. 

Why do you allow it?


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## cadream (Oct 2, 2015)

barbados said:


> Yes this. Why do you let her cheat on you with no consequences ?





MarriedDude said:


> What became of the "Extramarital Incidents"? How many is some?
> 
> Have you heard of the 180?
> 
> ...


thank you for that. Wish I read that awhile ago 

The answer is a few. She is very outgoing, more so than probably anyone- in the .001% . Me , of course, the opposite(isn't that how it always is?). A couple years in our marriage before we had kids, she left me for someone else for 9 or so months. That was a fun time. But not as fun as when after we had kids. Couple phone/email sex long distance things and then the time with my friend in 2007.maybe one more that I don't know about. Anyway it is what it is. You guys must think I am a stupid idiot doormat. I know I would If I heard this from the outside. But for what its worth I am a bit old fashioned in the marriage sense. It is about my Kids. And I still have hope.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

While I strongly disagree with your views, if you want to protect your kids and be part of their life, you MUST protect yourself from your wife. If that means a DV charge, then so be it. Once you are sure you can keep you kids in your life, then you can deal with your dysfunctional marriage and attitudes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cadream said:


> Hello All,
> first time poster.
> 
> I will do some background and keep it brief as possible.
> ...


So let her leave!

Actually, scratch that...

TELL HER TO GET THE F#CK OUT!!!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Staying with her is teaching your kids about consequences

That there isn't any.

Not a great setup
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Unconditional love doesn't work on a one-way street.

How is she with and around the kids? Vilolent (physically, verbally or otherwise) to you around them, or to them?

Can't be a healthy environment for the kids. They are older. They aren't stupid to what's going on around them.

After the first time she cheated early on in your marriage and left you for nine months and then you took her back you showed her no matter her actions you will roll over for her. Cheated again and again and again, once with your friend no less. Now she may not be cheating, but she's physically violent. What's worse? I don't know, pick your poison.

Her behavior can't be modified at this point. Her behavior is ingrained on her psyche.

Solution? Boot her to the curb. Split custody, your kids will still be better off. They will have a happy dad for the first time in their lives.

Sorry you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Report the incident to the police. Report any future incidents to the police.

Realistically, this is heading for divorce. When it goes to the divorce court, do you think she will play fair or claim you abused her and the kids?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Umm you do know there are places where you can rent a big house for only about $1250 a month. Of course you are not on the beach and the only thing you will hear from your neighbors is sometimes a shotgun going off repeatedly. 

Most guys around my parts buy an old SUV and have fun racing them off road through the mountains.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

if you are serious about not wanting to split up, then you have to find a way to leave the past in the past. (easier said than done, i totally get it) So.
If that is your goal, to get to a good place and leave this part in the past, what could your wife do to make your relationship more amicable? Her comments ie: we are like roommates, why won't you come near me anymore, say that she desires you and wants to have more of a physical relationship. What could she do to make that happen? Would you be open to sex on the weekend, if she was pleasant/treated you with kindness all week? or if she apologized? or if she gave you a back rub? or any combination of those? does she know this? sometimes it's easier to write it out and let her read it if you are having trouble communicating. Maybe you could have her write you out her thoughts too. or email. Maybe if you agreed to sex on a schedule she wouldn't feel so frustrated, or maybe a date night. i know our arguments are much more dramatic when i'm not getting any. Same with the rest, would she be open to stop nagging you about where you live, if you sat down and made a 5 year financial goal sheet? Maybe you are already doing all this and she is just irrational and unreasonable. I am not blaming anything on you. but if you are serious about fixing things, then sometimes you need to be open to making a first step.

Also, everyone is quick to cry abuse. and while that may be the case, you say that no one got hurt. sometimes when my husband and i are having a heated argument i feel the need to throw something. I usually try to pick something soft (cant be broken) and throw it not near him, or slam a door. etc. i don't intend that anyone gets hurt, or anything destroyed, but my frustrations need a physical outlet. sometimes i go for a run. Or maybe she threw it at your head and you simply have awesome reflexes and she's an abusive and terrible partner. I feel for you, been there.

also, i am super curious about these "incidents". does this mean she kissed someone? had an affair? this definitely speaks to her level of commitment to you and your children. If she is some abusive b**** that cheats, and treats you badly and yells at you in front of your children, you have to consider the possibility that it is time for you to let her go if she wants out. you do not need to be a doormat. if it is fixable, tell her how to fix it. if she won't fix it with you, show her the door.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Living the California dream huh. So sometimes we draw lines in the sand like "my kids will never have divorced parents", or "I'll never spank my child", or "my kids will always have a place to live". The thing that gets lost in the shuffle is that there are worse things than divorced parents, spanked kids, adults not allowed to mooch off of mom and dad into their 30s, and many other lines in the sand. Your kids are seeing a worse dynamic than most kids with split families see. They're seeing the example of marriage that you and your wife are presenting for them and it's a dysfunctional ugly thing that you really don't want them to live through.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

She is showing a lack of respect and that respect cannot be regained while he is so timorous around her as to regard anything that upsets has as a mistake. From what we have, if he is not prepared to leave, he cannot gain that respect. I can believe she is frustrated as she is probably after a man that can manage her, but that is not a straight forward path.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Married over 20 years and recently moved to California. I hope she makes more money than you.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Also, if she'll throw a lamp at you, what will she do to your kids?

I get you want to protect the family, etc. but this woman sounds really selfish and possibly unstable.

I can't see any good come out of this unless you stand up to her. She may leave but so what? What are you truly losing if she does?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

cadream said:


> thank you for that. Wish I read that awhile ago
> 
> The answer is a few. She is very outgoing, more so than probably anyone- in the .001% . Me , of course, the opposite(isn't that how it always is?). A couple years in our marriage before we had kids, she left me for someone else for 9 or so months. That was a fun time. But not as fun as when after we had kids. Couple phone/email sex long distance things and then the time with my friend in 2007.maybe one more that I don't know about. Anyway it is what it is. You guys must think I am a stupid idiot doormat. I know I would If I heard this from the outside. But for what its worth I am a bit old fashioned in the marriage sense. It is about my Kids. And I still have hope.


 It not only about your kids. It's about you too. You think your kids are blind and deaf? They can't see what's going on? Have to tell you friend..................your fault. You keep accepting the disrespect and as long as your willing to do that then it will only get worse. 

You have a choice to make. Stay and be miserable or do something about it. Yeah the kids will have to go from one house to the other but at least in your house you can make it a safe and calm situation but for that to happen, you damn well better find your back bone that she's using to whip your ass and start acting like an adult whose not putting up with her any longer. She's a liar, ill tempered cheater and who wants to come home to that. Wise up.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If this is truly about your children, which I do completely understand, then you must realize that you cannot be the best Dad possible when you are depressed and beaten down. I am not saying that you are not being the best Dad you can be under the circumstances but they are seriously damaging circumstances. I would suggest that you give careful consideration to the life you could provide to your children if you had a woman by your side who appreciated you and was happy with the life you two would make together. Consider also that this woman is displaying behavior that your children may, and probably will, emulate later in life. Just something to consider. I wish you good fortune.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you can't man up this will be your life.

The biggest problem is you. You let her run over you with no consequences.

How do you like it so far?

FIX yourself.


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## mahbae (Oct 3, 2015)

Evan if you really were all those things she says you are, at the end of the day she still really has no justification for what she did.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> You guys must think I am a stupid idiot doormat.


That's exactly what you are. Proud?


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