# Betrayed spouses and why so much pain



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm constantly thinking about the level of pain infidelity causes the BS, and while it does seem to be lessening as time passes, it's so bad it's almost laughable.

My wife was my best friend, then in 10 seconds she wasn't. She was no longer the person I could confide my deepest feelings to, the person in whom I could entrust my emotional safety. We were no longer a couple, a team dealing with the challenges of life together, and of course, she, my daughter and I were no longer a family. She just didn't love me anymore. We are basically strangers, probably enemies.

Add to that that she made me a parttime father and caused me to suffer financially. 

10 seconds. The heart and mind absorb all of that in an instant. It's traumatic, that's the hit a BS takes on Dday. 

I know I'll survive, but this experience has damaged/changed me and I'll never be the same.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this.
Most of us have been there.

Your life with her will never be the same and you are not to blame.

Take care.

You will overcome this, or atleast come to terms with it.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Yes, the pain is unbearable at times, and unexplainable too others who have not experienced this. I sometimes struggle with the words trying to explain it to my wife. we are in R by the way. 

sounds like you are not in r and I assume going down the D path? so sorry you are here and going through this. The hurt is such a raw and devastating feeling it's hard to put it into words.

I think we will survive this and come out just fine on the other end it just takes time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

hi maincourse:

sorry to find you here. yes, it's staggering, the degree to which our reality, our sanity, our health, etc. is undermined on d-day. i would have assumed, of course, that infidelity would be heartbreaking -- i would never have dreamed that i would be so undone by it. i literally could not think straight, could not _function_, for weeks. even now, almost 7 months out, there are many days where i am struggling.

i'm considering/working on/hesitant about R. it's hard for me -- i agree that i am changed forever by this, with or without reconciling with WS. 

there's lots to learn here on CWI -- and of course, you have to keep listening to yourself as well. wishing you the best.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

There are no words to describe the pain. It takes time for the pain to subside. Unfortunately the longer the relationship, the longer the intense pain lasts. It's been almost five years for me and there are still bad days. Many of us betrayed spouses will never be the same. Even after several years of therapy, medications, and psychological evaluations, I'm "damaged goods" from all the stress my estranged husband put me through.

Take one day at a time. May your heart and soul heal soon.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> I know I'll survive, but this experience has damaged/changed me and I'll never be the same.


“Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker.” G. Gordon Liddy, quoting Nietzsche

The best thing you can do is start moving on. Take up bodybuilding, change your wardrobe, get a new ride. And most of all start dating a parade of women younger than your wife. Word will get back. She's hooked up to a geriatric geezer on his last legs; hows she going to feel when she hears about your soft harem. Ha! Just don't take her back when she comes crawling.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Hi Maincourse,
I'm sorry you're here, as people before me said.

People can be messed up to the point that they want to hurt those who trust them explicitly.
I don't understand why, your wife, my ex or anyone else's did what they did. My real advice is to focus on the good side.
It may sound utopic or cheesy, but what else can you do ?
If you keep blaming yourself or her, you will lose precious time that you could spend on improving yourself.

Don't make your suffer a priority, because the pain of being betrayed already takes care of that. You're on for the most disgusting ride of your life. One moment you'd be enjoying a meal, the next you'll throw it to the wall. So, if you really want another person's advice, leave it to your subconscious to torture you and try your best to "seem" and be fine.

People hurt people, and the most atrocious pain can only come from the ones you lower your guard to. But you can turn this "experience" (by the way, being cheated on is more of a crazy Nazi doctor experiment than an experience) into something that make you appreciate life and yourself.
You'll sympathize with nice people, more often than not you'll feel as if it is pity but it's only the devil inside that makes you think that, and you'll be fine.
I know this may sound cynical but only things that would make you stop breathing are the ones that you should worry about.

Take care and as Machiavelli said, don't you dare believe that she has changed if she comes back crawling.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Not to get overly emotional here, but reading all of your comments nearly brought me to tears thinking how total strangers can reach out to each other and offer such incredible support. Those of us who have been betrayed are connected in a way that those who haven't been can never understand. Thanks to all of you.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

MC- hang tough- I know where you are. Not sure how long you are post D, but life does improve and the best part is that you can now move forward without a lying cheating spouse to build a better life. A chance for renewal- that's how I choose to see it.

Good luck
WD


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry this happened to you. 

You are better for it in a weird way. It's like having a veil lifted from your eyes, experiencing a new world. 

There is a certain naivety that is lost but I don't think that is a bad thing. You can't ever un-know it but it is better to know the awful truth than to live life in a lie.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You are better for it in a weird way. It's like having a veil lifted from your eyes, experiencing a new world...
> 
> You can't ever un-know it but it is better to know the awful truth than to live life in a lie.


JB,

You have said it exactly as I feel. The "awful truth" is indeed bad. But... I will/have take it over the lies, the deceit, the charade of marriage every time. Yes, I'm a changed person, better, no more living in lies and shadows.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Maincourse- although you don't feel it yet, it does get better over the course of time! It will make you cherish the true love, honesty and integrity that a new woman will bring to you.

I still am bitter over my philandering STBXW. I have forgiven her in my heart, but I will never ever forget her lies and rampant manipulation.

The clouds will soon part and the sun will shine in your life as never before!


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## wildhawke (Sep 29, 2012)

I lived through 3 of my wife's affairs. She's on the fourth one now. The thing is she cannot comprehend how much I hurt. She is always going on about how I cannot let go and that I should move on. I stayed in the marriage because of the children. Every time I look at them, I know that I will endure whatever for them. But that doesn't make the hurt any easier to endure. Some days I feel like not getting up at all, just wishing that the sleep will go on forever.
Those days I will reach for my kids photograph and their smiles will give me strength. 
I take each day as it comes. But after all these years I have learnt that you must anchor yourself to something. Something that will give you the will to go on. Some people say that kids suffer the most in a D, thats why I never chose that option. My kids, they give me hope to go on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

wildhawke said:


> I lived through 3 of my wife's affairs. She's on the fourth one now. The thing is she cannot comprehend how much I hurt. She is always going on about how I cannot let go and that I should move on. I stayed in the marriage because of the children. Every time I look at them, I know that I will endure whatever for them. But that doesn't make the hurt any easier to endure. Some days I feel like not getting up at all, just wishing that the sleep will go on forever.
> Those days I will reach for my kids photograph and their smiles will give me strength.
> I take each day as it comes. But after all these years I have learnt that you must anchor yourself to something. Something that will give you the will to go on. Some people say that kids suffer the most in a D, thats why I never chose that option. My kids, they give me hope to go on.


Wildhawke:

All the better reason to execute "the 180," and file for divorce. I would say that with the rich history of her extracurricular activities, that she has no clear intentions of ever changing her aborant behavior.

The kids need you far more than her as you are most clearly the responsible parent here.

Get yourself to a lawyers office post haste! And start your own thread here as I'd love to hear your story!


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Nearly brought you to tears?

I feel you man, gets better in 10 seconds too, you just have to let it 
To the guy you recommend bodybuilding...This is a huge step to recovery, don't waste time procrastinating, get out today and buy some weights, tell the guy what's happend to you, he'll set you up with some basics, probably have a good chat too. (or just google weights for beginners) and its a quick result, you'll start noticing massive physical improvements in 2-5 days depending what you do. TRUST DO THIS

also have you read this yet https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf from the level of hurt you are experiencing, I'd say it'd be highly beneficial!

Keep on keeping on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Main, you just hang in there, buddy. I have had moments in which I just cried thinking what the hail has happened. And I did cried like a wuss I never thought I was, but then again, I think this is some pretty hard stuff even for the strongest of strong. The wife will never understand of what you're going through. She will probably say that she doesn't understand why you can't move on, etc, etc (like someone has posted here). This is made even worse because of the fog that she is in; she thinks that "you're not man enough". There is a special warm place up above for this kind of person. What happened, the girl you were married to has turned into a monster...

If you've read the sticky for a newbie here, you will see that the feeling of sadness, anger, love that you will cyclically go through is pretty dizzying.

No one here has brought up the PTSD aspect of this whole experience. Until today, I just cannot go on facebook without feeling sick to my stomach. 

This thread will bring a lot of responses, I am sure. You just hang in there, buddy.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

[QUOTE
To the guy you recommend bodybuilding...This is a huge step to recovery, don't waste time procrastinating, get out today and buy some weights, tell the guy what's happend to you, he'll set you up with some basics, probably have a good chat too. (or just google weights for beginners) and its a quick result, you'll start noticing massive physical improvements in 2-5 days depending what you do. TRUST DO THIS
QUOTE]

You're absolutely right. I've been using the weights and it's been great. It's given me much more confidence, and has helped me reduce my stress and anger.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> I'm constantly thinking about the level of pain infidelity causes the BS, and while it does seem to be lessening as time passes, it's so bad it's almost laughable.
> 
> My wife was my best friend, then in 10 seconds she wasn't. She was no longer the person I could confide my deepest feelings to, the person in whom I could entrust my emotional safety. We were no longer a couple, a team dealing with the challenges of life together, and of course, she, my daughter and I were no longer a family. She just didn't love me anymore. We are basically strangers, probably enemies.
> 
> ...


The literature on betrayal suggests that the people that are the most blindsided by the betrayal are the ones who take it the hardest. 

IMO, it has to do with not being able to trust your own judgment anymore. 

I can't believe I thought such good things about a husband who in reality is and was acting like a scumbag and likely is a scumbag.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> Yes, the pain is unbearable at times, and unexplainable too others who have not experienced this. I sometimes struggle with the words trying to explain it to my wife. we are in R by the way.
> 
> sounds like you are not in r and I assume going down the D path? so sorry you are here and going through this. The hurt is such a raw and devastating feeling it's hard to put it into words.
> 
> ...


Sometimes even those who have been betrayed do not comprehend the pain and long lasting effect of a betrayal.

A person here who is in R, and angry that I was suggesting that I saw a red flag for continued cheating in another poster's post, angrily asked me why I was on this board if I am divorcing my spouse. 

She just didn't seem to understand that filing wouldn't make me automatically feel good about his affair and that it still devastates me and I am still trying, vainly I know, to find the answer to why.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

For me the most painful part was my WS wife started treating the OM as husband and she will convey whatever I say to him. Then WS/OM will then plan their move.

Knowing that I trusted someone so much and I can talk about anything under the sun now suddenly I've to treat her like enemy and I've to be very careful about myself, was too much to take.

I had access to their secret chatting messages and when I emailed them about my pain, these two people, told that I'm vomitting/throwing-up, that was very hurtful to me.

I'm slowly recovering from the jolt.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I want to address what each one has said but I will just send my love and hugs out to Main and everyone. 

Yes, the pain is amazingly perfect isn't it? A more perfect weapon of mass destruction could not be invented.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

This is what I found in another forum, hope this story helps:

Stay as grounded as you can avoid the knee jerk reactions the best you can. You will get better at it.

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "May be," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "May be," replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "May be," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "May be," said the farmer.

Sit in the middle of the Seesaw, be less impacted by the highs and lows, preserve your emotional peace. This works well in life.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

BookOfJob said:


> No one here has brought up the PTSD aspect of this whole experience. Until today, I just cannot go on facebook without feeling sick to my stomach.


I brought up the stress aspect in my post. My physical and mental health have been impacted.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Falene said:


> I want to address what each one has said but I will just send my love and hugs out to Main and everyone.
> 
> Yes, the pain is amazingly perfect isn't it? A more perfect weapon of mass destruction could not be invented.


As a guy, I've always thought that a "heart" was nothing but just an abstract description of something. But looking at the state that I am in now, I am beginning to believe that it really is a physical object that can be dropped and broken. Strange.

However, I promise that I will pick myself up and fix a broken person. I'm doing this, if not for myself, at least for the people I love and those who love me. And you should too.


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