# Epiphany? Is it possible that can make you want to reconcile?



## Bubblehead

Without going into details, the wife and I are separated legally by our state, and she is months ahead on getting a life etc with work ( which is 99% of her world to be non dependent of me etc), and I am sure emotionally cleared of me. Our separation finalized to where we can file for divorce anytime, but I cant do it. Just dont feel like I am ready. She is the same way, as she sees it as "so final".
Financially there is nothing either of us is dependent on each other.
But, she made a comment about an epiphany may wake her up to reconciling. We rarely talk about this at all, as we are both busy, and doing our own thing.
I still love her and am in love with her. 
30 years knowing her and married for over 16, not an easy marriage. More downs than up.. 
But with reconciling, what really can trigger you to say, this is what I want to do? She and I have good times when with each other or family/holiday events. We just get along. I know its not living with her, but good nonetheless.


----------



## Mr.Married

You can drag yourself over the rocks the rest of your life if you like... no one will stop you. She has a much more practical view of this situation..... get your feelings off your sleeve and move on.


----------



## Bubblehead

^ well okay then. Settled


----------



## Diana7

The same things that led to the separation are presumably still an issue? Or have things changed since then? 
Personally I think you will move on far more easily if you don't have contact with her.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Bubblehead said:


> Without going into details, the wife and I are separated legally by our state, and she is months ahead on getting a life etc with work ( which is 99% of her world to be non dependent of me etc), and I am sure emotionally cleared of me. Our separation finalized to where we can file for divorce anytime, but I cant do it. Just dont feel like I am ready. She is the same way, as she sees it as "so final".
> Financially there is nothing either of us is dependent on each other.
> But, she made a comment about an epiphany may wake her up to reconciling. We rarely talk about this at all, as we are both busy, and doing our own thing.
> I still love her and am in love with her.
> 30 years knowing her and married for over 16, not an easy marriage. More downs than up..
> But with reconciling, what really can trigger you to say, this is what I want to do? She and I have good times when with each other or family/holiday events. We just get along. I know its not living with her, but good nonetheless.


Fear.


----------



## Openminded

It’s easy to feel nostalgic when you don’t live with someone.


----------



## dadstartingover

I assume infidelity on her part.... is that correct?
Why are you so hellbent on staying with somebody who so obviously discards you? Don't answer that with, "Because... my vows" or "Because... I love her." Those are knee-jerk boilerplate responses. Dig further. There's something going on with you that causes you to hang on like this. It's probably not a pretty subject to dive into. Introspection is tough. What you're doing now is not healthy by any means. It's actually very dangerous for your mental health. If you don't nip this in the bud, it will either kill you or make your life VERY VERY difficult going forward.

I chat with guys in your shoes on a daily basis. You're not alone in your line of thinking.


----------



## Anastasia6

dadstartingover said:


> I assume infidelity on her part.... is that correct?
> Why are you so hellbent on staying with somebody who so obviously discards you? Don't answer that with, "Because... my vows" or "Because... I love her." Those are knee-jerk boilerplate responses. Dig further. There's something going on with you that causes you to hang on like this. It's probably not a pretty subject to dive into. Introspection is tough. What you're doing now is not healthy by any means. It's actually very dangerous for your mental health. If you don't nip this in the bud, it will either kill you or make your life VERY VERY difficult going forward.
> 
> I chat with guys in your shoes on a daily basis. You're not alone in your line of thinking.


What in the OPs post says anything about infidelity on her part?


----------



## Evinrude58

I had a woman once that I dearly loved and we couldn’t get along. Sometimes one has to let go of what they wish was true and accept what is. Life has lots of pain if things go perfectly. You’re separated for a reason. Epiphany?
You can’t ask for advice on that without being specific about what caused the separation, and what she says the epiphany was.

It’s rare, but an epiphany is always possible I suppose. 30 years? Damn. I would hate to see you not work it out if you love her. If she cheated, though. Just move on and stop shooting your self in the foot by communicating w her


----------



## Bubblehead

Diana7 said:


> The same things that led to the separation are presumably still an issue? Or have things changed since then?
> Personally I think you will move on far more easily if you don't have contact with her.


The same things are not an issue. I was told she has forgiven me for everything , as far as us is concerned. But, she is numb, no feelings, scared of being vulnerable, etc. ( Common statements I have noticed is write ups). But I digress
No contact is very difficult, as our two girls and grand kids are always ont he radar. As adults, we will be in contact for some things.
But, I understand what you are saying. Thnx


----------



## Bubblehead

dadstartingover said:


> I assume infidelity on her part.... is that correct?
> Why are you so hellbent on staying with somebody who so obviously discards you? Don't answer that with, "Because... my vows" or "Because... I love her." Those are knee-jerk boilerplate responses. Dig further. There's something going on with you that causes you to hang on like this. It's probably not a pretty subject to dive into. Introspection is tough. What you're doing now is not healthy by any means. It's actually very dangerous for your mental health. If you don't nip this in the bud, it will either kill you or make your life VERY VERY difficult going forward.
> 
> I chat with guys in your shoes on a daily basis. You're not alone in your line of thinking.


Now that we are separated, infidelity's is not an issue per say.. Its divorce lite, separation. I havent asked, and havent found out anything to suggest it. But, its none of my business.
Why is infidelity always the first thing people jump on anyways.
As far as advice, it seems move on, get a life and dont talk to her are the general recommendations. Thnx


----------



## jonty30

Bubblehead said:


> Without going into details, the wife and I are separated legally by our state, and she is months ahead on getting a life etc with work ( which is 99% of her world to be non dependent of me etc), and I am sure emotionally cleared of me. Our separation finalized to where we can file for divorce anytime, but I cant do it. Just dont feel like I am ready. She is the same way, as she sees it as "so final".
> Financially there is nothing either of us is dependent on each other.
> But, she made a comment about an epiphany may wake her up to reconciling. We rarely talk about this at all, as we are both busy, and doing our own thing.
> I still love her and am in love with her.
> 30 years knowing her and married for over 16, not an easy marriage. More downs than up..
> But with reconciling, what really can trigger you to say, this is what I want to do? She and I have good times when with each other or family/holiday events. We just get along. I know its not living with her, but good nonetheless.


The only way I would consider reconciliation is a willingness to deal with the issues that drove me out of the marriage. That is if you have had a real change of heart and if I haven't moved on by now by being with somebody else and if you have not had relationships in the meantime.


----------



## Bubblehead

jonty30 said:


> The only way I would consider reconciliation is a willingness to deal with the issues that drove me out of the marriage. That is if you have had a real change of heart and if I haven't moved on by now by being with somebody else and if you have not had relationships in the meantime.


I have had no relationships since we separated, well before the actual paperwork being signed. 
The whole Plan B, infidelities' etc are always key topics ( people focus heavily on them)... But, in reality, I am quite happy where I am with myself. Traveling, working and fixing up my old car and house.. Very peaceful and therapeutic for me.. I have changed allot, noticed by many. Especially noticed after heart surgery ( if you saw me you would never have thought I needed surgery)...


----------



## jonty30

Bubblehead said:


> I have had no relationships since we separated, well before the actual paperwork being signed.
> The whole Plan B, infidelities' etc are always key topics ( people focus heavily on them)... But, in reality, I am quite happy where I am with myself. Traveling, working and fixing up my old car and house.. Very peaceful and therapeutic for me.. I have changed allot, noticed by many. Especially noticed after heart surgery ( if you saw me you would never have thought I needed surgery)...


If you have changed and are willing to work through your issues, without pride, it could be worth approaching your spouse. I just can't make promises of what could happen. 
I always encourage reconciliation, when it can be done.


----------



## Bubblehead

jonty30 said:


> If you have changed and are willing to work through your issues, without pride, it could be worth approaching your spouse. I just can't make promises of what could happen.
> I always encourage reconciliation, when it can be done.


I am willing to work it. I know its a life change, not a week worth of counseling. Its a everyday thing.. Every day..


----------



## Luckylucky

How have you changed and what was it that she had forgiven you for?

sorry to hear it’s come to this


----------



## In Absentia

I'm in a similar situation. If you want to get over it, move away and start from scratch. I know it's difficult, but if you are still in love with her all this brooding and ruminating doesn't help. You will be stuck in limbo forever.


----------



## Bubblehead

^ How have I changed. I no longer am controlling. 
I am happy with who I am, before I was not. 
I realize all my mistakes from years ago, and no longer ever want to be that person again.
I communicate better. Huge for me..
I accept her for who she is too, a workaholic who has extremely high goals I can get behind, instead of hindering...
I listen, let others speak , don't interrupt. 
I have lost weight, not much, but its a slow process. Biking and walking when home. Traveling I work outside 6 days a week shaking and moving.
Much more nurturing to the kids. Before, again, I was controlling, and not nurturing.. That doesnt go well in a relationship.
I just feel better. I have been counseled on a few issues and continue to keep abreast on it. Passive aggressive behaviors', of which I am well aware of. So, I think before I do.


----------



## In Absentia

Bubblehead said:


> ^ How have I changed. I no longer am controlling.
> I am happy with who I am, before I was not.
> I realize all my mistakes from years ago, and no longer ever want to be that person again.
> I communicate better. Huge for me..
> I accept her for who she is too, a workaholic who has extremely high goals I can get behind, instead of hindering...
> I listen, let others speak , don't interrupt.
> I have lost weight, not much, but its a slow process. Biking and walking when home. Traveling I work outside 6 days a week shaking and moving.
> Much more nurturing to the kids. Before, again, I was controlling, and not nurturing.. That doesnt go well in a relationship.
> I just feel better. I have been counseled on a few issues and continue to keep abreast on it. Passive aggressive behaviors', of which I am well aware of. So, I think before I do.


You have become a better man, you've understood your flaws and mistakes, and yet you are rejected. because it's too late. My wife has moved on and actually detached years ago and I had no idea. It was a bit of a shock, but it is what it is. Don't dwell in the past, look at the future.


----------



## Bubblehead

In Absentia said:


> You have become a better man, you've understood your flaws and mistakes, and yet you are rejected. because it's too late. My wife has moved on and actually detached years ago and I had no idea. It was a bit of a shock, but it is what it is. Don't dwell in the past, look at the future.


I agree with what you are saying as the wife has detached and moved on years ago. A walk away spouse is very far ahead of you in not giving a hoot about you anymore, when she finally moves out. She has been planning for a long time and executed it while you financially supported everything too.


----------



## In Absentia

Bubblehead said:


> I agree with what you are saying as the wife has detached and moved on years ago. A walk away spouse is very far ahead of you in not giving a hoot about you anymore, when she finally moves out. She has been planning for a long time and executed it while you financially supported everything too.


yep... despite having my faults and my wife apportioning the blame 50/50, I can't help but feeling that she gaslighted me, whilst enjoying the financial support. I also feel a bit like a sperm donor, to be honest. But I will never know, because my wife doesn't really talk about her feelings. It's still all IFs and BUTs in my head and it has to stop... luckily, with the travel restrictions lifting a bit, I will be able to do my own thing...


----------



## Evinrude58

Bubblehead said:


> I have had no relationships since we separated, well before the actual paperwork being signed.
> The whole Plan B, infidelities' etc are always key topics ( people focus heavily on them)... But, in reality, I am quite happy where I am with myself. Traveling, working and fixing up my old car and house.. Very peaceful and therapeutic for me.. I have changed allot, noticed by many. Especially noticed after heart surgery ( if you saw me you would never have thought I needed surgery)...


If you have been infaithful, I advise her to move in and you do the same. You say she has forgiven you of all the whatever’s you’ve done. Let me assure you, the trust is broken, the pain is still there, and it is nearly impossible to fix those things if she has lost her love for you.

you say you are happy and “getting noticed”.
You need to move on, for BOTH of your benefit. It just isn’t going to work out.


----------



## Evinrude58

Bubblehead said:


> ^ How have I changed. I no longer am controlling.
> I am happy with who I am, before I was not.
> I realize all my mistakes from years ago, and no longer ever want to be that person again.
> I communicate better. Huge for me..
> I accept her for who she is too, a workaholic who has extremely high goals I can get behind, instead of hindering...
> I listen, let others speak , don't interrupt.
> I have lost weight, not much, but its a slow process. Biking and walking when home. Traveling I work outside 6 days a week shaking and moving.
> Much more nurturing to the kids. Before, again, I was controlling, and not nurturing.. That doesnt go well in a relationship.
> I just feel better. I have been counseled on a few issues and continue to keep abreast on it. Passive aggressive behaviors', of which I am well aware of. So, I think before I do.


That sounds really self aware and like you have made a lot of progress as a person, which is admirable. Invest in building a relationship with a woman that you don’t have to climb your Mount Everest past to reach.


----------



## Bubblehead

Evinrude58 said:


> That sounds really self aware and like you have made a lot of progress as a person, which is admirable. Invest in building a relationship with a woman that you don’t have to climb your Mount Everest past to reach.


It would be nice, but at 54 years of age, it seems most women have something in the closet that affects them too...
No easy path forward.... 
Being single isnt the end of the world.. To some


----------



## Evinrude58

Bubblehead said:


> It would be nice, but at 54 years of age, it seems most women have something in the closet that affects them too...
> No easy path forward....
> Being single isnt the end of the world.. To some


It takes a while for being single to grow on you.
Yes, people have problems. Once you’re happy being single, you can accept the problems or move on. The plan is to eventually find one you can’t live without that doesn’t have huge problems. One that’s EASY to live with. And if you don’t, that’s fine too. When I retire, if I don’t remarry, I’ll be able to work another job and actually have money to travel and go fishing and hunting and chase women And have an exciting life. If I remarry to an irresponsible, mean, overbearing, asexual, whatever lady, I’ve just shut myself in the foot AGAIN. I’m not in a hurry to put my head in a noose.

And it’s really painful losing someone you love, or even moving on when they’ve pushed you out the door. But it’s something one has to do or it just gets worse. I know how you feel. Until you make up your mind to move in or stay you’re gonna be hurting. Good luck with either.


----------



## Laurentium

Just be friends, without being a couple.


----------



## Cynthia

If you two think you might make a fresh start, perhaps you could begin slowly and see how it goes. You could start with something like meeting for coffee or breakfast in the morning. Spend time getting to know each other again and forming a new relationship. See where it goes and if it works for both of you. Why throw something away that could be what both of you desire?


----------



## Al_Bundy

There's a lot of divorce porn out there aimed at women. Her big ah ha might be the grass wasn't as green as she thought. I don't know your story but if someone else was involved that might have fallen through and you are the backup plan.


----------



## Cynthia

Al_Bundy said:


> There's a lot of divorce porn out there aimed at women. Her big ah ha might be the grass wasn't as green as she thought. I don't know your story but if someone else was involved that might have fallen through and you are the backup plan.


Say she dates a few men, compares them to the new and improved version of @Bubblehead and realizes there might be a chance to reconcile. I don't see a problem. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## Bubblehead

Thnx for all the advice and such everyone. It gives me a fresh mindset. Dwelling on things isnt good.
One problem I always have is, I dont want to hurt anyone.
It would start with her, then trickle down by design to the kids. For example, If divorce happened, kids would adjust to see me, but the financial aspect would take a while to recover for her.. There are two items I am taking care of that costs some money, that per our separation agreement, would end up costing her a financial issue.. Healthcare ( we pay zero now). 
And, my family ( Mom n Dad, 82 years old), they dont know we are separated. I didnt want to cross that bridge yet. They will be devastated. 
But I know, she is years ahead of me in moving forward too, and she has done a great job at that to become almost independent of me. ( financial is the only one, retired military so healthcare is free, which isnt cheap as I am sure many here know).
I know the grass seems to be greener on the other side, thats for sure. But, sometimes, you need to fertilize and water your grass..
If I was to meet her now, without ever knowing her before, I think we would hit it off..


----------



## Bubblehead

Evinrude58 said:


> It takes a while for being single to grow on you.
> Yes, people have problems. Once you’re happy being single, you can accept the problems or move on. The plan is to eventually find one you can’t live without that doesn’t have huge problems. One that’s EASY to live with. And if you don’t, that’s fine too. When I retire, if I don’t remarry, I’ll be able to work another job and actually have money to travel and go fishing and hunting and chase women And have an exciting life. If I remarry to an irresponsible, mean, overbearing, asexual, whatever lady, I’ve just shut myself in the foot AGAIN. I’m not in a hurry to put my head in a noose.
> 
> And it’s really painful losing someone you love, or even moving on when they’ve pushed you out the door. But it’s something one has to do or it just gets worse. I know how you feel. Until you make up your mind to move in or stay you’re gonna be hurting. Good luck with either.


Thnx, you make allot of sense.


----------



## In Absentia

Bubblehead said:


> And, my family ( Mom n Dad, 82 years old), they dont know we are separated. I didnt want to cross that bridge yet. They will be devastated.


I haven't told my mother. She is 85 and I don't see any point, especially after she went through a bad time with Covid - she didn't catch it, but she was completely isolated for a long time.


----------



## Bubblehead

Been thinking. Reconciliation is something that has to be agreed upon on both sides. Friendship while separated is one thing, but being friends vice married etc is not an option. I am either married, or not. Being friendly is what needs to be done when around her and the kids for holidays or b days if invited..
I am thinking divorce is the answer here..
I have issues, and


----------

