# In process of divorce-stress question



## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

I have two daughters 18 & 17. Mt husband is divorcing me for a nurse he met during treatment (it is true love). He is staying elsewhere; most lately, next door at his mother's. I know all three of us are stressed; we found out about the affair end of September, he filed for divorce first week of October. Then he tried to kick me out or scare me out of the house (I used to have fairly severe panic attacks and he knows it). OK; I know my husband is sending our girls some pretty strong and negative messages about marital relationship. 
I'm concerned about our younger one. She's still a minor, and though he's not living here and he yelled at me last week that he didn't want her, she getting dragged into secrecy and I'm not sure what all. My oldest daughter told me that the younger had met the girlfriend, she denies it, I'm not pushing her. I know husband uses emotional manipulation to get his way, his family violates boundaries and creates drama that I am looking forward to not being around it (I got lots of counseling and now see it is sick sick sick. Husband has been making her appts. with his cardiologist 50 miles away for panic attacks. He is convincing her something is going on with her heart. If he thought that was true, I don't see what benefit there would be to getting her worried about that. He's been asking about an incident where she was upset and we fell over onto the fireplace-he filed a motion for emergency custody-it was postponed til the final hearing, so maybe that's when he plans to wap me. She said she told him "numerous times" that it didn't happen the way he's saying. Anyway, she's moody, anxious and having the anxiety attacks. She cut herself the other week but not since. To me, that indicated more stress (that she can't control) than she can handle. I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions how to handle things otherwise than not being emotional or talking about the situation. She doesn't want to go to counseling, so the next best I can do is have people I know she trusts-well, I just asked them to keep the lines of communication open and say hi to her once in a while; they've been very gracious. Appreciate it!

Oh, his family is ready to dump me and welcome the new, improved one with open arms-there is no accountability from that side, except for maybe 3-4 people.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If your daughter is so stressed and upset that she has resorted to cutting herself, I would seriously consider forcing her into counseling whether she wants it or not. Not only because she does seriously need the help, but also because if you don't, your husband could use that against you later, to try to say that you knew your daughter was having major problems and you did nothing about it. 

I would at least have her go to one counseling session, and then if the counselor is ok with her not going again, and she doesn't want to go again, then fine. 

At 17, though, your daughter is old enough that the ocurt would listen to her as to where she wants to live. And the process of divorce does take time; by the time it's final, she might be 18. 

When it comes to meeting his girlfriend, and anything that goes on while she sees her dad, I would just leave it alone. I would simply tell her that whatever happens while she is with her dad is between her and her dad, and you won't bother her about it, but if she ever wants to talk to you about it, you're there to listen and help her if she needs it.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm with truckersgirl...MAKE her go to counseling. If she's cutting herself, she is NOT coping well. In fact, the next time she cut I'd admit her to an acute care facililty. They will do an assessment of her and can make recommendations from there. But if you bury your head in the sand on this one, you're going to have bigger issues in the future.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Thank you both for your replies. No, I'm not burying my head in the sand; I've tried to explain to my husband the stress that my daughter explained to me: that she doesn't want to be forced to choose or be involved in any court battle. I hoped he'd come around, but sadly enough, he's divorcing me in order to reduce his own stresses. It is stressful to admit your part in a problem, but it's the more mature thing to do. Instead, he's forcing me and the kids to live with what his preferences are, not what's best for our family. I have an appt. for her to see our family doc; they are very good, we have long (20 year) relationship and have been there with me through depression, etc. related to the marriage. I am sure they will also provide a referral if they think it necessary;if she has enough control to call before she does anything harmful, they might suggest that to her. I also received a name from my counselor so I will call to get that set up. She has not done anymore; I also talked with her about staying with relatives (who don't have financial or emotional incentives & with Court approval) to decrease the stress. So I've tried to give her some options and put more control into her hands. Just a very hard and painful situation to be forced to go through.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

dadda11o said:


> Just a very hard and painful situation to be forced to go through.


Absolutely. No doubt. And I wasn't trying to suggest that you DO have your head in the sand...I just want to caution you against letting your guard down. Self harm is serious business.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Thanks, major; I wasn't taking it that way. I've noticed that both of our daughters and I have been VERY tired lately too, especially on weekends. Oldest daughter keeps giving away work shifts. I recognize it as a component of depression. I certainly wish there were a way to force my husband to take responsibility for his part of the problem and work with me to solve it. But there's not. I think the girls and I are just in that hopeless stage...he's not going to turn back toward his marriage haven't received any settlement proposal from his attorney...we're just being kept in a type of limbo for insecure, selfish purposes.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Is there a lack of funds preventing you from seeking treatment for depression for both your daughters and yourself? If so, there are facilities that will offer treatment on a sliding scale. Sometimes for free. This problem might be bigger than what is within your capabilities to handle. I know I'm not saying that the way I want to, but that's the way it's coming out. 
I would definitely try to get some help for her, before she turns 18 and there's NOTHING you can do. Your STBX is playing an awful game with his own children. I never cease to be astounded at what some people will do. I'm sorry for you and your children.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

The funding is one problem; you are right about games. I just figured out that my husband CAN'T talk with his family (of origin) and/or be himself; that would be unacceptable. So he is just doing what he knows. I'm just sorry to live in a state with a short waiting period and not any real resources geared toward alternative methods of resolving marital problems. I saw my husband make some progress a few years back; I think he regressed d/t some serious health problems. Hopefully, he'll look back some day and realize I have been doing what I could to protect all of our interests, which I would appreciate if I were in his place. I made a bit of headway talking with him last night; I can see that some of what he does is probably how he was treated growing up-he will listen, but he's been "busted" and he's always the "good guy". Stress overriding good sense and family needs. Appt. tomorrow so I will find out more then.


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## afghanexwife (May 12, 2011)

I am going through the exact same thing. I had to leave Facebook. Heck my ex even got remarried before we were divorced. Used to come home from Afghanistan and pay some woman to be with him. He called it decompression. The money he gave here was investing. My adult children accused me of being abusive. I had to cut off contact with them. My ex's new wife is completely accepted by his family. I tried to express my view point and was told I was being pitiful and to get a life by my former sister-in-law. My ex met this woman on an online friendshio site. Lawyer says he has a personsality disorder. Their mannerisms on Facebook seem a little over the top for me and I am completely obsessed about the situation and so stressed. Went to counselling and it didn't help.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

I have been away a while, but wanted to update on some of the posts and maybe, get to know some of the folks around here better, as there have been some very decent and caring responses and I have sort of gotten that too looking at other threads. 

It's been two years of hostile divorce. I have tried everything I could to try to work things out amicably; no go. Mainly, he just wanted me out on my butt with personal belongings and all debt.

Sadly, I pretty much had to get a protective order last summer as he was coming in, tearing up things like the dehumidifier (and we all were sick a week later; me coughing up blood  ) all because the basement flooded and it would "increase" the electric bill (by about $28. Despite all his crazy actions, mood swings, rages and the discovery of gambling and many other things, the most frustrating fact is that our children get the brunt since then ... no direct access, although I asked attorney, since there were some communication "needs" due to parent issues ... I can handle getting "ragged on" a lot better than our daughters and they shouldn't have parents behaving that way, to boot. One daughter has gone to some counseling. She sensed she was "flirting with danger" and we talked, she confided things and although the 1st counselor didn't seem super helpful (with her) seems she got some issues resolved. The oldest is not amenable to counseling; I keep the doors open and also try to keep the doors of our communication open, but it seems that a big problem is one I recognized I "fell into" back when we moved here. His relatives are big on drama, secrets and people are props, more or less. So our daughters are not only lied to, but encouraged (coerced, intimidated, bought off??) to lie to me. Just found out daughter left college mid first semester several weeks ago; said she was staying one place and had gotten a job. Cringed about the money lost, but realized that maybe she really just needed to "find her space and head" and kept communicating and encouraging, showing interest. Last week she called, dropping this bombshell about having been at aunt (father's sister) and her husband. Apparently aunt just took off at some point due to having affair and "going to get divorce" and uncle kicked her out all at once and unexpectedly. She told me she was asked not to say a word to me ... I feel like there is more to it. Very frustrating, as she is easily frustrated in school but bright and with encouragement, always stuck things out before. So now, she owes who knows how much for a partial semester, I've paid for other things anticipating her financial aid would cover it ... and now, I have no idea who did what or when ... but why? Easy enough. I know the sister hates me; she made that clear last time in our home, when she acted as though I was invisible and went home and told her family all kinds of things ... like how I "manipulated" her brother into remarriage. A laugh ... She was the one who, with her mother, sat down to a meal with our daughters, with him in the hospital and on a vent after a major heart attack (at 48) and discussed how he REALLY loved some girl from the past. What a crock of hate ... and designed to hurt me; totally uncaring about the feelings of nieces ... and I highly doubt she is going to come back around to help niece with the college fiasco. 

Was hoping my daughter learned something, but she seems to think her aunt did "all she could" and has no problem with however things went down.

Older daughter often sort of cross and hostile with me; I try to be patient, but this is wearing on all of us. I feel like what I have come to call a "legally regulated hostage". Because I was dumb enough to trust him, all my money was dumped (mostly) into household, family and was starting small business ... fallen by the wayside for now. I am going to therapy, but am finding that at some point, there needs to be more than constant "coping" especially for 2 years? It sounds "crazy" but a person can, by tying up finances and being difficult, make it nearly impossible to leave, unless you really are willing to give it all up and start from scratch and with whatever debts. He's made it clear he intends to bankrupt me; forcing people into therapy isn't going to do much, if they don't want to go and if they really don't understand (or are willfully misinformed) the issues. Sort of a tough situation, but hanging in for the moment.


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