# Sexual disconnect- need advice



## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

I need a reality check from people out there. The background: husband and I are both in our fifties, married 24 years, three high school and college age kids. Our marriage has had a lot of ups and downs over the years. Two years ago I was so tired and unhappy with my marriage and life in general that I spent a couple of months chatting and emailing with other men. It almost broke up our marriage and I will always regret the pain it caused my husband. After that, we went to counseling, talked, and the last two years have been the most connected and intimate time of our relationship. The problem is that I want to make up for lost time and have adventures, fun, sex, etc while we still can. My husband is more conservative; he is very considerate and our sex life is very good, but any adventurousness always has to be introduced and encouraged by me, with him joining in, sometimes without much enthusiasm.
The problem is that I want to be more adventurous than he does- I'd like to at least consider a threesome, or an occasional swinging experience, or something along those lines. He either makes it clear he doesn't want to, or agrees, but clearly is uncomfortable about it. When I dig under the surface, he eventually admits that he doesn't want to but is afraid to say no.
I don't know what to do; I certainly don't want to do anything that makes him feel coerced, but I'm afraid I'll regret and resent not being able to do a few wild things before I'm too old to be able to. I've offered to let him indulge any fantasies he has of his own, with or without me, but he doesn't seem to have anything besides what we already have. He has offered to let me have one experience of my choice, no strings attached, but I know how much it would bother him for me to take him up on it. Should i just resign myself to monogamy to keep an otherwise fairly good marriage? Or take him at his word and use my one hall pass?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Yikes.....a hall pass. While sometimes given freely, I don't think you can really separate the feelings from actually doing it. In theory you may feel fine about SAYING you're giving a hall pass, but if they do it it may come back to "I didn't really think you'd actually DO it". 

Then again, I would suppose it really depends on your marriage. My ex husband wanted to swing. I had no desire in doing it myself, but I had zero problem with him doing it because I honestly couldn't stand him and it would have gotten ME out of having sex with him. He could've had 8 million hall passes should he have desired to. 

Current husband - no way - no how. I understand this is hypocritical to say because I cheated with what equates to a ONS. A one time mistake on his part I could forgive, but to just look at him and say "Yeah, go bang someone else" I couldn't do it. 

He has told me that he is perfectly fine with me having extra-martial sex with a woman. This came up with us one time after some joking about having a threesome. All I would have to do is tell him afterwards (or before if it was planned) and then work towards at some point involving him. With the condition that if that ever happened, he could not touch the female - only me. He was fine with that, said he wouldn't really know what to do with 2 woman at once, but being able to view what was going on would be enough. 

Each marriage is different, I'd be SURE you knew what your husband is on board with before you did ANYTHING.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Karenn said:


> but I know how much it would bother him for me to take him up on it.


That should be your answer right there.

I had a hall pass but didn't take her up on it because I knew how much it would bother *me*.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Karenn said:


> I need a reality check from people out there. The background: husband and I are both in our fifties, married 24 years, three high school and college age kids. Our marriage has had a lot of ups and downs over the years. Two years ago I was so tired and unhappy with my marriage and life in general that I spent a couple of months chatting and emailing with other men. It almost broke up our marriage and I will always regret the pain it caused my husband. After that, we went to counseling, talked, and the last two years have been the most connected and intimate time of our relationship. The problem is that I want to make up for lost time and have adventures, fun, sex, etc while we still can. My husband is more conservative; he is very considerate and our sex life is very good, but any adventurousness always has to be introduced and encouraged by me, with him joining in, sometimes without much enthusiasm.
> *The problem is that I want to be more adventurous than he does- I'd like to at least consider a threesome, or an occasional swinging experience, or something along those lines.* He either makes it clear he doesn't want to, or agrees, but clearly is uncomfortable about it. When I dig under the surface, he eventually admits that he doesn't want to but is afraid to say no.
> I don't know what to do; I certainly don't want to do anything that makes him feel coerced, but I'm afraid I'll regret and resent not being able to do a few wild things before I'm too old to be able to. I've offered to let him indulge any fantasies he has of his own, with or without me, but he doesn't seem to have anything besides what we already have. He has offered to let me have one experience of my choice, no strings attached, but I know how much it would bother him for me to take him up on it. *Should i just resign myself to monogamy to keep an otherwise fairly good marriage?* Or take him at his word and use my one hall pass?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First off, those things are not merely adventurous. They are actively redefining the marriage. In the context of your emotional affairs, having a physical one, even with permission would be devastating.


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

I know; his communication style is to avoid confrontation at all costs, so I'm always worried he isn't totally honest when he says something. Then I feel like I have to read his mind, and get kind of ticked off that I have to play mind games instead of him really expressing himself. He'll say he's on board, but it'll still be my job to figure out if there will be problems afterwards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

After 24 years of marriage you seriously want to be with other people? I can definitely see that being a problem for a man who wants a monogamous marriage...

You say the sex is very good, he is very caring in bed, yet you want to be with other people?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Whenever you involve other people sexually in a marriage (whether by affair or swinging or whatever) it will most of the time start falling apart no matter what the circumstance. Don't do it and be happy with what you have.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Karenn said:


> I need a reality check from people out there. The background: husband and I are both in our fifties, married 24 years, three high school and college age kids. Our marriage has had a lot of ups and downs over the years. Two years ago I was so tired and unhappy with my marriage and life in general that I spent a couple of months chatting and emailing with other men. It almost broke up our marriage and I will always regret the pain it caused my husband. After that, we went to counseling, talked, and the last two years have been the most connected and intimate time of our relationship.


Your H gave you a great gift in reconciling. For most men, the thought of infidelity from their wife is a deal breaker. 



Karenn said:


> The problem is that I want to make up for lost time and have adventures, fun, sex, etc while we still can. My husband is more conservative; he is very considerate and our sex life is very good, but any adventurousness always has to be introduced and encouraged by me, with him joining in, sometimes without much enthusiasm.
> The problem is that I want to be more adventurous than he does


Then divorce him and go have all the fun you want. You have a H who's fantasy is you. It's a shame you don't feel the same about him. But, sometimes that's the way it goes. 

The spark is there when you are younger, then as the fire fades you are so busy with the kids it's easy to stay distracted. Then as the kids grow up and no longer need your attention life gets boring. 

The problem is for him, college age is probably more stressful than when they were young. They need less nurture, but burn through more cash. If he is the primary breadwinner, this is especially true. 




Karenn said:


> I'd like to at least consider a threesome, or an occasional swinging experience, or something along those lines. He either makes it clear he doesn't want to, or agrees, but clearly is uncomfortable about it. When I dig under the surface, he eventually admits that he doesn't want to but is afraid to say no.


Mentioning you want to swing is basically telling him he is not enough. You are emasculating him, he may overcompensating by being more conservative than he really is just to balance out. 


Karenn said:


> I don't know what to do; I certainly don't want to do anything that makes him feel coerced, but I'm afraid I'll regret and resent not being able to do a few wild things before I'm too old to be able to.


Divorce him and you'll be single, problem solved!



Karenn said:


> I've offered to let him indulge any fantasies he has of his own, with or without me, but he doesn't seem to have anything besides what we already have. He has offered to let me have one experience of my choice, no strings attached, but I know how much it would bother him for me to take him up on it. Should i just resign myself to monogamy to keep an otherwise fairly good marriage? Or take him at his word and use my one hall pass?


It's a trap, he offered the hall pass to see if you'll take it. If you do, it will crush him. It's a passive aggressive ploy. Not very alpha of him, I can see why you long for more. Sounds like you settled with a beta provider and now have buyer's remorse.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Karenn said:


> ...I spent a couple of months chatting and emailing with other men. It almost broke up our marriage and I will always *regret the pain it caused my husband.*


He can not withstand an emotional affair without pain, so he is obviously NOT swinging material to take things to the next level involving sex with other people.

If you must, put on some masks, turn on a webcam, and invite an anonymous stranger to join in over the internet for a virtual threesome. That way you can have the "human" element, but forgo most of the risky things that would likely push his boundaries too far. You already seem talented at cultivating online friendships, so ask him if you can cultivate one for this purpose and ask your husband what type of person he would want that to be. 

Good luck!
Badsanta


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

Thanks everyone for the responses; it's given me a lot to think about. I can't seem to quote properly in this phone, but for the person who mentioned financial stresses due to college, it's actually the opposite. We are about to be empty nesters, after seeing two of our kids through some serious medical problems, as well as two of our aged parents, and are financially very well set up at last. I feel like we paid our dues and can finally have a little freedom from the last few years of problems and responsibilities. I know it's a bit self centered of me, but I can't seem to stop wanting it. And I would love for him to join me, but he won't. I agree that his offer is passive aggressive; that has always been a problem in a lot of aspects of the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Get his testosterone checked. He probably needs injections. Then maybe he will have the gumption to go find a woman who wants to be faithful and not into adultry.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe the question is which would you miss more your marriage or your "fun times". You obviously do not truly care for your H so why are you trapping him in a marriage wherein he is less than enough? Be honest with yourself and him and go have your "fun" but have the decency to allow him the opportunity to find someone who considers him not only enough but actually all they could ever need.

Your immaturity is very obvious and you may very well deeply regret what you are about to do but, like a child, the experience is all that will prove to you that what you think you are missing is really of no consequence. The price this may exact from you may be more than you are prepared to pay.

Your H forgave an EA and is, by your own admission, a caring, loving man. In repayment for his kindness and understanding you want him to endure you "sowing some wild oats" trying to make a mad rush at "fun" before you're too old? Fascinating how little depth you seem to have. May I ask why you took marriage vows in the first place and if you have considered how your actions will affect your H?

If your H is anything like most men then he is most likely certain that you would/could not do what you propose and when you do he will be devastated. Have the decency to tell your H that he does not fulfill your needs and that you are deadly serious about using your "hall pass" which, by the way, you should have not had a need for since your school days.

However, since you have not matured beyond that age, please be responsible enough to impress upon your H how completely intent you are in this desire so that he at least has the opportunity to make a decision to protect himself. He may very well allow you this and internalize his pain if he cares for you as much as you say. What a shame that care is not reciprocated.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Wow. You are a female version of me, minus the kids. Same thoughts and feelings, although I have no hall pass.

I fantasize that I can pull off having sex with another besides my wife, keep that separate and not bring feelings and emotions into it. Nope, I would not be able to do it. 

I have no advice for you. If I did, I would not be here either.

Let us know what you decide.

BTW: No matter what your husband said or says, he is saying "NO" but he loves you so much he is giving you the words and hall pass you want. What does that say about him, his character, and love for you? And you want to go elsewhere.....?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Karenn said:


> Thanks everyone for the responses; it's given me a lot to think about. I can't seem to quote properly in this phone, but for the person who mentioned financial stresses due to college, it's actually the opposite. We are about to be empty nesters, after seeing two of our kids through some serious medical problems, as well as two of our aged parents, and are financially very well set up at last. I feel like we paid our dues and can finally have a little freedom from the last few years of problems and responsibilities. I know it's a bit self centered of me, but I can't seem to stop wanting it. And I would love for him to join me, but he won't. I agree that his offer is passive aggressive; that has always been a problem in a lot of aspects of the marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really wanted to give a cogent and truthful answer to this. 

I am glad that I did not respond: Why? 

I am so angry at/with you I want to spit nails [email protected]$#%


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

Well, I wasn't planning on adultery. I was planning to try to open up our marriage to other possibilities, by agreement. Adultery would be behind his back. I just don't necessarily see monogamy as an absolute requirement in a marriage. I care about H very much, but we have very different preferences when it comes to sex, so I don't necessarily expect either of us to meet all of the needs of the other one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Karenn said:


> Well, I wasn't planning on adultery.


But if it happened you would not have stopped it. 



Karenn said:


> but we have very different preferences when it comes to sex, so I don't necessarily expect either of us to meet all of the needs of the other one.


It took you 20+ years to figure this out, or is this a new thing?

Young lady, I very very much understand where you are coming from but your H values monogamy. 

You have choices:
1) Stay monogamous but find new ways to spice it up. Leave the curtain open? Quickie in dressing room etc.
2) Cheat on him. You started down that road with the EA.
3) Divorce him and bang as many guys at you want. You can even get guys in their 20s.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Karenn said:


> Well, I wasn't planning on adultery. I was planning to try to open up our marriage to other possibilities, by agreement. Adultery would be behind his back. I just don't necessarily see monogamy as an absolute requirement in a marriage. I care about H very much, but we have very different preferences when it comes to sex, so I don't necessarily expect either of us to meet all of the needs of the other one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Adultry is sex with someone who is not your spouse.

Cheating is adultry AND behind their back.

This will destroy your marriage.

You should have the decency to free your husband to find a good and faithful woman with the same moral values he has.


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

Actually, I did stop it, which is why the EA never progressed into a physical affair. And I would never cheat on him behind his back again; i'll either only do what he gives me permission to do, or I'll make the decision I want more and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Karenn said:


> Should i just resign myself to monogamy to keep an otherwise fairly good marriage? Or take him at his word and use my one hall pass?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you want your marriage to survive and if you truly feel bad for the pain you've already caused your husband with your EA, you should honor your marriage vows and stay committed.

Once you introduce swinging or threesomes or any sex with someone other than your spouse you are opening Pandora's box and there is not undoing it once it is done. You H will never get the image of you having sex with someone else out of his mind and he will never feel secure in your marriage again.

If you are serious in this post, I suggest you work on your marriage. Check out marriagebuilders.com for some ideas. If you were in love with your husband I don't think you would be desiring sex with others as "adventure." I think your instinct would be to protect your husband's feelings and your marriage from outside threats like that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Karenn said:


> Actually, I did stop it, which is why the EA never progressed into a physical affair. And I would never cheat on him behind his back again; i'll either only do what he gives me permission to do, or I'll make the decision I want more and leave.


How and why did you stop the EA? Did you stop it on your own, THEN tell H? Or did he find out, then it stopped?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Girlfriend, let me talk to you woman to woman. 

What you're asking for is ridiculous. You have a good guy who didn't sign up to swing or have threesomes..... that's you changing the rules.

You're going to wreck your marriage. By all means try to introduce new and fun things, but between the two of you. Nobody else.

In this life we don't get everything, it's about trade offs. If screwing other men is that important to you then let your hb go to find someone who shares his values. But based on what you've said about him you will sorely regret this when you're done being used by men looking for a cheap thrill. And that's all you are to these men you message. ...a cheap thrill.

Don't you think you're worth more than that? 

And your hb will never look at you the same after that anyway. 

So ask yourself if the path you're pursuing is really worth it. Spin a little fantasy on your head, enjoy it, then let it go. Hvll, play pretend with your hb..... tell him you need to pool boy to fvck you before you bend over for him. Sometimes I tell my hb that he's my hot bf and he has to hurry so my hb doesn't catch us..... he loves it. 

You're going to ruin your life over a d!ck. It will not be worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

``How and why did you stop the EA? Did you stop it on your own, THEN tell H? Or did he find out, then it stopped?
I told him about it. He never would have known. I never met anyone or intended to meet anyone. It was acting out on my part because of tremendous unhappiness.

```In this life we don't get everything, it's about trade offs. If screwing other men is that important to you then let your hb go to find someone who shares his values. But based on what you've said about him you will sorely regret this when you're done being used by men looking for a cheap thrill. And that's all you are to these men you message. ...a cheap thrill.

I know; what I am trying to decide is what I'm willing to trade off. I spent my whole life obeying rules and conventions and Im a little over it now. And i don't mind being a cheap thrill, that's all they would be to me too, just something fun when things get dull/


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Look, I hear you. I never really had wild days either, never partied in college, didn't date around. I'd be lying if I said I never ever think about other men..... i think it's natural to think about others from time to time as long as it stays a fantasy.

But I'd never fvck up what I have for a silly fantasy and when I get older I'll be fine knowing i chose what I have with hb.

So ask yourself if you're willing to give your hb up to pursue your thrills. .... when your thrills are done will you regret giving him up? If that answer is no then move on..... and it might be. But if that's the case then own it. 

But I promise you that if you take him up on the hall pass he will think you're a piece of crap. This is a guy who turned down swinging and threesomes.....as someone said this is a huge sh!t test on his part. Don't be the person that indulges her thrills but holds on to her hb..... it's not fair to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

I know, what I want isn't possible in the setting I'm in. I would be perfectly happy with an open marriage, but that's not the husband I've got. I have to decide if I'm willing to give him up to change everything. Even if he didn't set the hall pass up as a deliberate trap, my taking advantage of it will change things for good, one way or another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Karenn said:


> Actually, I did stop it, which is why the EA never progressed into a physical affair. And I would never cheat on him behind his back again;* i'll either only do what he gives me permission to do,* or I'll make the decision I want more and leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

Being completely honest with yourself...did you stay in this marriage just long enough to have your husband help get the kids out the door?


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

Not at all- he was a fairly absentee husband and father most of the early years. But I anticipated that we would make up for lost time once we had the freedom to. I know it's not really a matter of permission, that he probably won't be ok with it even if he technically offered. That's what makes it hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So other men aside, do you want to stay married to him? If he was an absentee hb and father that's likely had a big impact on your connection. I didn't realize this was the case initially. 

Why was he absent? Do you resent him for this? 

How do you feel about your hb right now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Karenn i can understand your desire to want to explore or expand your adventurous side with your husband, but from the research i have seen in terms of the successful longevity of marriages that have entered in alternative lifestyles, is that their marriage has a firm foundation of love and trust. can you honestly say that your marriage is there? secondly your husband is scared and rightly so, he is afraid that he will lose you and let's be honest it happens even in the best of marriages, and there is no way no matter what rules you place that you might not find another man to your liking...now you can deny that all you want but you have proven to your husband that the interest of other men have peaked your interest in the past, so how do you protect his heart now ? 

if you want t explore your adventure side, take small steps like for example, spend a day at a nude beach together. go to a couples weekend when you explore sexuality pleasure with other couples who are open to group massages, no swinging for now. 

Please do not do a Hall pass on either side, it will only separate you further


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

what's so appealing about a fantasy is it can be anything you imagine. reality has borders.

but when your fantasy becomes a reality it will not be what you imagine.

you will be dealing with real people who don't just do whatever you want and who don't look exactly like what you wish.

you may be imagining that you will be with very attractive people who are totally normal but for this one kink.

but you may find that you end up meeting people who are not really that attractive and who may have a lot of problems of their own.

I'm not saying that everyone who does this sort of thing is a deviant. 

I do think it's reasonable to assume that you are unlikely to find the cream of the crop of partners based on your profile and the types of activities you're describing.

I'm sure there are a few needles in the haystack, but those people can probably pick and choose who they want to engage with.

Do you think they will choose you, or will you get the leftovers?

Are the leftovers worth chucking your pretty good situation out the window?


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

He was absent because he has always had commitment issues; whenever he wasn't working, he was spending hours every night playing video games. I do resent it still. Sometimes I think we just never really put a good foundation together in the first place, so there are a lot of hard feelings. Right now, things are good a lot of the time, so I want to be with him, but it doesn't take much of a problem between us to bring back those feelings of resentment and feeling trapped. I think I periodically just feel the need to escape
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Your immaturity knows no bounds. Throwing 24 years of marriage away just for sex is beyond reprehensible to me. You won't get any sympathy from me. Having fantasies is one thing, but doing your husband this way ain't right no matter how to try to reconcile it in your own mind.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Karen, your posts indicate that you are well aware of the risks you face should you pursue the hall pass. What you seek now is a way to resolve your inner conflict about being sexually adventurous extramaritally. You have reached an understanding that if you take the hall pass you can kiss your marriage goodbye but if you don't take the hall pass you fear the regrets and it is about those regrets that you should seek insight and understanding.

You and I are roughly the same age, I'm 53. Like you I had a sexual awakening that led me to look back and feel regret that I wasted so many years and felt compelled to make up for lost time. Unlike you, my sexuality didn't exactly center on other men, per say. It was more about a sexual partner who more closely resembled or embodied the characteristics that turned me on.

But getting back to regrets... Women who reach our age and experience regret at the lost time and lost opportunity neglect to finish the thought. We put our full effort into parenting. We put our lives, our desires, our wants on hold while we focused on parenting, career building, nest building, empty nest saving.... We missed our youth to plan for our retirement but now we're close to retirement and realize our youth is on its last breath and we are entering old age. As if old age is an impenetrable barrier to adventure, sexual adventure, attraction, desire. It's not. Being of a certain age doesn't preclude those things. 

As you visualize a sexual adventure with some other man, how old is he? In your fantasy, how old are you? I find men who are closer in age to my adult children to hold zero attraction by me. Men who are closer to my age can and do are me feel attraction. That right there is the fluidity of sexual attraction. As we age, so do our fantasies.

You can have your sexual adventures with your husband without blowing up your marriage. Your husband might need several doses of liquid courage to step out of his comfort zone in order to role play but it can be managed.

Something that I've recently learned and am trying to fully embrace: I can focus on my regrets and lament my lost youth and lost opportunities, or I can focus on creating today the kind of day I will remember with fondness. The day I blew up my marriage is not likely to be the day I remember with fondness.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Karenn said:


> He was absent because he has always had commitment issues; whenever he wasn't working, he was spending hours every night playing video games. I do resent it still. Sometimes I think we just never really put a good foundation together in the first place, so there are a lot of hard feelings. Right now, things are good a lot of the time, so I want to be with him, but it doesn't take much of a problem between us to bring back those feelings of resentment and feeling trapped. I think I periodically just feel the need to escape
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Karenn it sounds like you need to move than, it sounds like you both want different things, which is fine if your single but married will only make one or the other less invested in the relationship.


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## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

So you want your husband to be your cuckold... Is he going to be ok with that?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I understand. Your hb has never really been all in as a husband and father. .... that would cause resentment in anyone. 

As a result you don't have a strong bond with him. 

I don't think you're going to address it by going elsewhere. .... at the end of the day you'll feel empty, which i suspect you feel right now, because you'll still be lacking a bond with your hb. And eventually you'll meet someone with whom you do have a bond and your marriage will blow up anyway.

You guys need MC to address this. ...perhaps if he acknowledges this absenteeism on his part you can move forward. Why not make an effort to see if things can be addressed, and if not then move on separately?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Karenn said:


> I need a reality check from people out there. The background: husband and I are both in our fifties, married 24 years, three high school and college age kids. Our marriage has had a lot of ups and downs over the years. Two years ago I was so tired and unhappy with my marriage and life in general that I spent a couple of months chatting and emailing with other men. It almost broke up our marriage and I will always regret the pain it caused my husband. After that, we went to counseling, talked, and the last two years have been the most connected and intimate time of our relationship. The problem is that I want to make up for lost time and have adventures, fun, sex, etc while we still can. My husband is more conservative; he is very considerate and our sex life is very good, but any adventurousness always has to be introduced and encouraged by me, with him joining in, sometimes without much enthusiasm.
> The problem is that I want to be more adventurous than he does- I'd like to at least consider a threesome, or an occasional swinging experience, or something along those lines. He either makes it clear he doesn't want to, or agrees, but clearly is uncomfortable about it. When I dig under the surface, he eventually admits that he doesn't want to but is afraid to say no.
> I don't know what to do; I certainly don't want to do anything that makes him feel coerced, but I'm afraid I'll regret and resent not being able to do a few wild things before I'm too old to be able to. I've offered to let him indulge any fantasies he has of his own, with or without me, but he doesn't seem to have anything besides what we already have. He has offered to let me have one experience of my choice, no strings attached, but I know how much it would bother him for me to take him up on it. Should i just resign myself to monogamy to keep an otherwise fairly good marriage? Or take him at his word and use my one hall pass?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You cheated on him before, and now want threesomes, to swing, and a hall pass?

Break up with this poor guy and go spend some time alone figuring out why you tormented your husband. 

He deserves better than you have to offer.


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Karen, your posts indicate that you are well aware of the risks you face should you pursue the hall pass. What you seek now is a way to resolve your inner conflict about being sexually adventurous extramaritally. You have reached an understanding that if you take the hall pass you can kiss your marriage goodbye but if you don't take the hall pass you fear the regrets and it is about those regrets that you should seek insight and understanding.
> 
> You and I are roughly the same age, I'm 53. Like you I had a sexual awakening that led me to look back and feel regret that I wasted so many years and felt compelled to make up for lost time. Unlike you, my sexuality didn't exactly center on other men, per say. It was more about a sexual partner who more closely resembled or embodied the characteristics that turned me on.
> 
> ...


Its not that i visualize any particular age or physiology; when i fantasize, its about someone a bit more dominant and enthusiastic, with ideas of his own, not passively needing me to think up, suggest, convince, and remind him, often the case now. And me nagging H to be less passive, not surprisingly, is doomed to fail.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Could you hire a dominatrix to come in and teach him some basic dom techniques? She wouldn't partake of the activity but instead instruct?

If he liked gaming, what about some role playing with you dressed as one of the female characters? There are all sorts of games at adult stores that could incorporate his taste and play out instructions.

Have you told him he has permission to take you any time he'd like to just drag you off to the bedroom (or bend you over the kitchen counter, etc.)

What about cuffing yourself to the bed for him to find you? Maybe he'd let you stay restrained until he wanted to release you.

For the most part the grass isn't greener. You may get some wild sexual memories to keep you warm in the nursing home but it's not much when you could have a real person with his arms around you - one that you've built a life with, share many big life changing moments with and made a family with. 

Have you sought counseling? I'm not implying what you feel is right or wrong - just having an objective person to talk these things over with might help. I think there are ways to spice things up and get him to take a more dominant role without going irreparable harm to the marriage. I think if you used your hall pass you'd find he'll have less sex with you and eventually none - he'll wonder who you ARE - where's his wife? It will damage the connection HE has with you even if it doesn't damage the connection YOU have with him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Karenn said:


> Its not that i visualize any particular age or physiology; when i fantasize, its about someone a bit more dominant and enthusiastic, with ideas of his own, not passively needing me to think up, suggest, convince, and remind him, often the case now. And me nagging H to be less passive, not surprisingly, is doomed to fail.


Oh girl...I so know what you mean.

Send your husband here.

Www.husdom.com


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

Karenn said:


> Its not that i visualize any particular age or physiology; when i fantasize, its about someone a bit more dominant and enthusiastic, with ideas of his own, not passively needing me to think up, suggest, convince, and remind him, often the case now. And me nagging H to be less passive, not surprisingly, is doomed to fail.


This can be draining.... which woman doesn't want to be desired and thrown off balance once in a while...


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Could you hire a dominatrix to come in and teach him some basic dom techniques? She wouldn't partake of the activity but instead instruct?
> 
> If he liked gaming, what about some role playing with you dressed as one of the female characters? There are all sorts of games at adult stores that could incorporate his taste and play out instructions.
> 
> ...


Sigh- after months of telling him that i'd love for him to surprise me / drag me off/ overpower me, he finally agreed he would do it sometime if I left it up to him. Two years since then, he's never gotten around to it. We had an argument about it last night; he said he forgot about it. You have some interesting suggestions, but getting him to do any of them will feel like a chore. I think lately he's already beginning to wonder where his wife has gone, in some respects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

IDK, the issue here seems black & white OP. When you got married I would assume that it was under the condition of monogamy, correct? So now after 24 years you want to essentially change the terms of the contract you agreed to with your H. To me you have a simple choice:

a) Divorce H, go live whatever fantasy you have rolling around in your head (and my guess you will find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side) 

b) Umm .. I was going to say commit to your H of 24 years and work through some of these issues. However, now thinking about it, is that really the best thing? I mean, it is one thing if you want him to be more adventurous (bondage, spanking, shaking a soda can before opening, etc...). It is another thing to say you want another guy who is not your H bangin you. I know if my W mentioned that she wanted to have an open marriage I would immediately have divorce papers drawn up. 

IDK ... if this is something that you can't come to terms with, it is just going to eat at you and hurt your marriage anyway, so maybe it is time to part ways???


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Karenn said:


> Well, I wasn't planning on adultery. I was planning to try to open up our marriage to other possibilities, by agreement. Adultery would be behind his back. I just don't necessarily see monogamy as an absolute requirement in a marriage. I care about H very much, but we have very different preferences when it comes to sex, so I don't necessarily expect either of us to meet all of the needs of the other one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Semantics. Adultery is being with someone other than your spouse, with or without your spouse's knowledge. Monogamy IS an absolute requirement in a marriage if that is what one spouse desires. I can guarantee you your husband wants monogamy, and your betrayal is hurting him more than he can show.

You can twist it any way you want, but the fact of the matter is you think SEX is more important than your marriage of 24 years. It's obvious that you don't truly care "enough" about your husband to put this desire behind you, but what impact will this have on your children.

You truly are being completely selfish. If you actually love your husband and your kids you would put this behind you as only a curiosity, and work things out with your husband.

If you don't love your husband, which I believe is the case here, get a divorce before proceeding to exploration of sex outside marriage. You owe him that much, in my opinion.

Keep this in mind, you will likely be full of remorse in the future, and you will find out that these fantasies were better left as fantasies. Nothing in real life ever lives up to a fantasy.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Luvher4life said:


> Nothing in real life ever lives up to a fantasy.


Reality rarely lives up to the level of fantasy.


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh girl...I so know what you mean.
> 
> Send your husband here.
> 
> Www.husdom.com


Anon Pink,

It is an absolute pleasure to see you again. And once again I find myself humbled by your generosity of recommending my community to others. 

There has been many things identified already on this thread and they seem to cover most scenarios. 

The question that I would ask the OP would be, would you like to have your fantasy with your current partner? 

In addition to that would be, if your husband embraced your desire for his more dominant and enthusiastic behavior, would that satisfy you or would you eventually desire more?

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

husDOM said:


> Anon Pink,
> 
> It is an absolute pleasure to see you again. And once again I find myself humbled by your generosity of recommending my community to others.
> 
> ...


Ive been thinking about this a lot today, and reading everyone's responses. I think i would be pretty happy to have that kind if a fantasy with my husband. I'm musing about it's really the additional partner that would do it for me, or just that i want something kore orimal, less tentative, less passive. If i could get H to take a little control and be more visceral, maybe that would be enough.


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

Karenn said:


> Ive been thinking about this a lot today, and reading everyone's responses. I think i would be pretty happy to have that kind if a fantasy with my husband. I'm musing about it's really the additional partner that would do it for me, or just that i want something kore orimal, less tentative, less passive. If i could get H to take a little control and be more visceral, maybe that would be enough.


Karen,

I would like to begin by saying that I am certainly no expert...

If you will indulge me for a moment I will share what I see.

"If i could get H to take a little control and be more visceral, maybe that would be enough."​
'Maybe' is not a commitment... And musing over a third...

Take a minute or two and consider this situation from your husband's perspective. Really consider all aspects of what you have said to him and how it would be received by him. To help you get a good mental image for yourself, imagine if he came to you with this if you were satisfied with the status quo. 

I am not suggesting that what you have said to this point is right or it is wrong, but what I do see is that you don't know what it is that you are searching for or truly desire. Before confronting your husband and asking him for such a significant life change give serious consideration to what it is that you want.

Here is where I would begin discussing communication and other basic but crucial relationship fundamentals such as honesty, respect and trust.

Before I get all of the way up on my soapbox I will let you contemplate what it is that would make you happy. 

If it were me and my wife, I wouldnt do that in a vacuum, I would include my lk in my dreams and desires. As it is unlikely that our initial picture of our dreams would align perfectly without some small consideration on both of our parts. 

In other words, whatever you choose to do it should begin with honest and open communication. (respectful of course - meaning taking his feelings into consideration)

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The esteemed Mr Fox never neglects the lighting of the Bat Light!

Glad to see you again Mr. Fox.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Karen, we have some posters that live in open marriages, so hopefully they will weigh in. 

It's not a lifestyle I can personally live, but without making too big of an assumption, I think any of those aforementioned posters would insist that the marriage be rock solid, there be a contract or set of rules to abide by, and there be infallible mutual agreement about the arrangement to open the marriage. 

Right now you have none of those things and a husband that's definitely not on board. If he's not on fire for it, he's not on board. 

So you have a choice. Let him go and experience the life you want with an open, dominant man, or learn to accept the arrangement you have. 

Women constantly expect men to change and men constantly expect women to stay the same. Neither rarely get what they want because they think it's "owed" to them. That's a pretty simplistic view I take on everything you've said here. So, under those circumstances, he could be as displeased with the situation as you are, because he knows you've changed on a way he can't and won't follow suit.


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## Karenn (May 24, 2016)

husDOM said:


> Karen,
> 
> I would like to begin by saying that I am certainly no expert...
> 
> ...


A lot to consider in your response-
I have thought about, and we have takked about, what would happen if my husband had the same request. I would be fine with it; i just don't feel that strongly about monogamy in a relationship. I think i would feel that it's understandable that someone wants a little variety after so many years. I would actually see itas kind of a fun thing, that he's lusty enough to have an urge for something like that. But, that's not him and i know that it makes him feel more insecure when i bring it up. 
You're right that i'm unsure of what i really want; i'm realizing that myself. I think i really want an intensity that has been missing lately. If H and i can find a way to intensify things between us, maybe that would help me keep the other activities as fantasy, rather than needing to act on them. We've talked and talked and agreed that i won't use the hall pass for the time being while we try to get at the core of what's going on, and what we want to do about it.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> IDK, the issue here seems black & white OP. When you got married I would assume that it was under the condition of monogamy, correct? So now after 24 years you want to essentially change the terms of the contract you agreed to with your H. To me you have a simple choice:
> 
> a) Divorce H, go live whatever fantasy you have rolling around in your head (and my guess you will find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side)
> 
> ...


Curious and pardon to the OP for the aside. Why don't you feel it is okay for your spouse to be honest and open with you in marriage as to a fantasy or desire to understand your views, without feeling threatened that you would terminate the marriage for broaching the subject?

Seems to me that one should strive to make the other feel absolutely safe to communicate anything without a fear of retribution or attack.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> Reality rarely lives up to the level of fantasy.


While I agree with this mostly, I can attest that there are many fantasies that are absolutely fantastic once engaged in.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Satya said:


> Women constantly expect men to change and men constantly expect women to stay the same.



This is so true. It happened to me.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Tortdog said:


> Curious and pardon to the OP for the aside. Why don't you feel it is okay for your spouse to be honest and open with you in marriage as to a fantasy or desire to understand your views, without feeling threatened that you would terminate the marriage for broaching the subject?
> 
> Seems to me that one should strive to make the other feel absolutely safe to communicate anything without a fear of retribution or attack.


It has nothing to do with not communicating, but you have to expect that some things will naturally lead to possible retribution. It is one thing for your W to say "I am not really sure I like the pain color you chose for our bedroom". It is another thing to say "I would like to have an open marriage, I like the idea of sleeping with another guy."


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> It has nothing to do with not communicating, but you have to expect that some things will naturally lead to possible retribution. It is one thing for your W to say "I am not really sure I like the pain color you chose for our bedroom". It is another thing to say "I would like to have an open marriage, I like the idea of sleeping with another guy."


If the spouse has that feeling, there should be safety in voicing it so the two can move forward. If the spouse feels certain items of discussion result in auto termination of the marriage, I'm not sure how much assurance I would have in the union.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Tortdog said:


> If the spouse has that feeling, there should be safety in voicing it so the two can move forward. If the spouse feels certain items of discussion result in auto termination of the marriage, I'm not sure how much assurance I would have in the union.


On the other side of it, if my W and I made a commitment to monogamy and then she said she had a change of mind, I am not sure how much assurance I would have in the union :wink2:

We are talking about actually breaking the marriage contract (at least for me personally the one I entered in to with my W), not that she wants me to spank her. Big difference IMO.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I hear you.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You are not happy.
Perhaps he's not happy.
It sounds like neither of you are working on changing what, if anything, can be changed.

This conundrum about should I have sex with others or forever resent him sounds like a distraction manufactured in your subconscious so you can avoid facing truths and taking action. 

Many of us do it. 

Imagine he lovingly and truly gave you an unending hall pass. Then what? Would he no longer, in that case, be responsible for your unhappiness? Who would be? Whose job is to be responsible for your life and happiness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
First off, I'm all in favor of spicing up one's sex life. Roleplay, whips, chains costumes, acrobatic positions, toys, etc. I can see the appeal of being with other people as well - there is that curiosity of "what would it be like". You've changed so much since you were last with someone else, you want to experience all the things that you missed.

The problem is that many people really are not psychologically wired to have casual sex. Some don't even know for themselves - they think the will just have a quick fling or FWB but instead fall in love. This happened to a woman I know: she got into what both agreed was a completely casual FWB situation, and he fell in love and was absolutely devastated when she ended it. 

Even if you are able to enjoy casual sex, your husband may not be. If you have other partners, he may wish to do so as well, and you couldn't exactly say no. He could fall for the "grass is greener" fallacy, fall in love with someone new because of the newness.


I, and many other posters here, know what it feels like to be in a marriage where something is missing in your sex life. Some stay, some leave. 

Be aware that if your husband is a good lover, you may be very disappointed in another partner.


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