# What do I do with all this anger and resentment?



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I am living at home now with my two 20 something children...coping day to day. H santers into the house this afternoon to look at the mail and bills. He is so cool and casual as if nothing should or is bothering him. For all those who don't know my story I am leaving him because he lied about sex profiles on the computer and had sex with men...all came out in polygraph test. Anyway long story short I am SSSOOOO ANGRY!
He has ruined me and the family unit. My daughter is so distraught she cries alot my son is withdrawn and in his room and I am fit to be tied over my husband. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS ANGER I HAVE TOWARDS HIM! he keeps saying he is only human and humans make mistakes...I am human too and hurting because of his choices...What is the best way to curb this anger and pain? My stomach is in constant indigestion as well,,,how do you all get through this worst time of my life!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I would think that getting you and your children into counseling would help immensely. It might be hard for you three to talk to each other, but having someone else to talk to that they can trust would be a plus.

I am sorry for the pain honey, if I could take it away I would. As far as an outlet there are several good choices: take it out at the gym, write it and get it all out, go back to doing something you love and putting your energy into that, etc. You know all those I am sure. But when the heart is breaking its hard to see any light at the end of the tunnell. 

I do hope that one day you can forgive him. I know that seems impossible now, and I certainly don't ask it of you now, but I think you deserve to live without all the resentment in anger in your life.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I'm sure you'll get many replies from those who are better placed to advise than I am, but meantime just wanted to say I feel for you and to offer the following, some of which I'm sure is over simplistic, but here goes ...

Continue to vent here, often

Have an outlet e.g. counsellor, friend who will listen to and support you

Get outside support for your children too 

Try taking up a physical activity to use up surplus energy

Easier said than done, but seriously consider FORGIVING your husband if you have not already done so - not because he deserves to be forgiven - forgive him in order that you can begin to feel better and to move on with your life. By forgiving him you are NOT letting him off the hook or justifying his behaviour. Forgive him for your own benefit - and you don't even need to tell him you have forgiven him. Again, this forgiveness is FOR YOU because YOU deserve to have peace of mind and contentment in your life. (Having said this, I'm not at all sure I could forgive but I have heard of relatives of murder victims forgive heartless child killers and I believe the relatives when they say that forgiving the murderer has been their salvation. So really do see if you can try and forgive this person who has hurt you to the core - it could relieve you of the anger, so the theory goes)

Plan for a positive future and take it one day at a time.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I would think that getting you and your children into counseling would help immensely. It might be hard for you three to talk to each other, but having someone else to talk to that they can trust would be a plus.
> 
> I am sorry for the pain honey, if I could take it away I would. As far as an outlet there are several good choices: take it out at the gym, write it and get it all out, go back to doing something you love and putting your energy into that, etc. You know all those I am sure. But when the heart is breaking its hard to see any light at the end of the tunnell.
> 
> I do hope that one day you can forgive him. I know that seems impossible now, and I certainly don't ask it of you now, but I think you deserve to live without all the resentment in anger in your life.


Great minds think alike! You beat me to it Dawn.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Amanda,
You discover something you didn’t know about the past and the past becomes unreal, it’s mind boggling. I’ve had near on 6 months of anger and resentment. With the anger the best thing I’ve done is to put up two punch bags. When I feel the anger I have 10 minutes on them. Besides helping with the anger associated with my current thought it’s also toning me up, a double benefit for me. Maybe there’s something you could do like that, something really strenuous, for me it needed to be in the home, accessible at any time.
How I’m going to be rid of the resentment I don’t know. I think time will help with that while I’m creating my new life, new dream. I’ve always been a great one for forgiveness, I practiced patience and tolerance, compassion and understanding. I got too patient, too tolerant and had way too much compassion and I never really understood what it was all about. So I’m struggling with forgiveness this time round. I forgave my wife a lot, it never came back, she never learned the personal value for herself of forgiving.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

What infuriates me is the nonchalant additude when he is around me. He is always walking around so damn UNEFFECTED and I am curling up in a fetal position from the pain. When it first all came out ie when I found e-mails coming in from men asking for "dates" I was crying and then after about a half hour of talking he told me he had to go grocery shopping because he was going to our summer home for the weekend. I felt abused and abandoned. He dropped an A-bomb on me and then he left me alone to deal with my pain....and after the polygraph test I went to a womans shelter and for two weeks he didn't even know where I was and didn't call my cell phone to check...The difference in the levels of empathy are polar...and I just can't understand his lack but this is nothing new...I feel things at a deeper level, but his lack just sometimes makes me think he has a dissociative disorder...like a socio-path...able to do something without being conscious. Now I should "Calm down" and realize that he is "Only human" and I should forgive him. Yes I will forgive him in order to move on but the betrail and the lies and deciet have taught me that this is not what I want from the person I am intimate with. I want a close bond that refects mutual understand and intimacy which is emotional and sexual. Is there a man out there that actual tells his wife how he is feeling???? Anyway I know what I want and it is not from my husband and this is obvious to me know...and I will not prostitute my soul for this marriage anymore...it won't let me. He lies in order to be "A protector" this is how he rationalizes his lies ie lies to protect me from his truth....BARF!!!!!!! what a load of crap. Blah Blah my story and getting it off my chest on this key board. Hope I get that job off shore!!!!!! LOL Please God help me move on...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> What infuriates me is the nonchalant additude when he is around me. He is always walking around so damn UNEFFECTED and I am curling up in a fetal position from the pain. When it first all came out ie when I found e-mails coming in from men asking for "dates" I was crying and then after about a half hour of talking he told me he had to go grocery shopping because he was going to our summer home for the weekend. I felt abused and abandoned. He dropped an A-bomb on me and then he left me alone to deal with my pain....and after the polygraph test I went to a womans shelter and for two weeks he didn't even know where I was and didn't call my cell phone to check...The difference in the levels of empathy are polar...and I just can't understand his lack but this is nothing new...I feel things at a deeper level, but his lack just sometimes makes me think he has a dissociative disorder...like a socio-path...able to do something without being conscious. Now I should "Calm down" and realize that he is "Only human" and I should forgive him. Yes I will forgive him in order to move on but the betrail and the lies and deciet have taught me that this is not what I want from the person I am intimate with. I want a close bond that refects mutual understand and intimacy which is emotional and sexual. Is there a man out there that actual tells his wife how he is feeling???? Anyway I know what I want and it is not from my husband and this is obvious to me know...and I will not prostitute my soul for this marriage anymore...it won't let me. He lies in order to be "A protector" this is how he rationalizes his lies ie lies to protect me from his truth....BARF!!!!!!! what a load of crap. Blah Blah my story and getting it off my chest on this key board. Hope I get that job off shore!!!!!! LOL Please God help me move on...


Hey Amanda that's my story you're telling . Except my wife never admitted to her lies and deceits and things happened for different reasons. Some people just don't have empathy, neither do they feel any guilt or remorse for the things they've done. It's very hard to accept let alone understand. I know what you are going through.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Once in marriage counselling I was told that empathy is a really hard thing to learn because it is taught and learnt in childhood. So look back a generation and see if she is a product of a none empathetic mother...for one my husband is. The kicker is my mother-in-law is very religious but doesn't have empathy for others??? I told her her son has sex with men and she laughed!!! wtf is that all about? anyway what I am trying to say is they are products of their upbringing and their parents had a great influence on the level of empathy and compassion they possess. Almost narcisistic...in love with themselves. I don;t know how this develops in a child but I would love to know!!!!


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I googled the causes of narcisism (sp?) very interesting. Frues says that when a child is developing under the age of three they transition from being the center of the universe to realizing they are dependant of their parents. If parents do not mirror (give recognition and approval) at this stage the child reverts into inself for approval. Thus it begins. My husband was raised with an older brother a year older. Thus older brother was the apple of my mother-in laws eye. My husband was constantly looking for approval. Long story short my husband probably didn't get what he needed in very early childhood. He was always trying to prove himself to his parents EVEN TODAY looking for recognition HOW SAD!! It all makes sense to me now when I look back an unempathetic mother=an unempathetic child BINGO


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