# Wife is having affair and now separates in a motel



## Deputyrj (Jun 23, 2020)

My wife and I are college sweethearts that have been together 20 years +. 12 years ago I cheated on her when we had a 5 year old and 1 year old. I moved into an apartment for 6 months, meanwhile my parents lived with her in the home. We were intimate 2 times in 6 months and she became pregnant. I took this as an omen and immediately returned home. Since then I truly believe she has never forgiven me and has spent years talking down to me, correcting my parenting, and controlling me.

She recently sent me away with two of my daughters to my dads to work on my diagnoses “major depressive disorder” and to get myself better. I spent the time working hard and returned back with new family and spousal vigor only to find out she recently started a relationship with someone. I forgave the relationship in my heart and she swore to see the changes in me. Well in 5 day increments, 4 times, I caught her still with him but swearing she had stopped the relationship each time. She had always requested space from me but I now realize I was overbearing in my affection and didn’t give her real space. I was also very emotional: sobbing at times, constantly wanting to “deep talk,” all the things she didn’t want. She decided she needed to separate to get her mind right but spent the first two nights at her lovers apartment. We are now two days separated and she is staying at a motel and we have agreed only to talk about logistics like kids (3 girls 16,12,10) and money. I have given her until July 9th after a trip she is taking to decide whether or not she wants to work on her marriage or be with this other person.

I am at a complete loss and would have never anticipated that she would cheat on me (especially with someone on parole when she is a Probabtion Officer) or that she would leave the home from our daughters. Sadly enough it took the first time of seeing them together for me to have an epiphany about how much she means to me. I am now struggling on how to have these three weeks bring her back to her family if it is even possible. I know I can’t drag her back but want to do whatever I can to increase my chances “hence the post!”

Anyone with any helpful suggestions are extremely welcome to respond. I am depressed, alone, fearful, and desperate to save my marriage if I can.

Thank you


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I am sorry but you blew up your marriage when you cheated on her and left her for 6 months. Most women would divorce you over this. The fact that she hung on says alot. However, what did you do to fix the marriage, did you simply rug sweep it? Any counselling etc? What did you do to help her heal, if anything? Now the kids are older this seems like a revenge affair, and now you want to work on the marriage, huh?
How did you end up with MDD, is this related? Why did she send you away, don't know what this means.
Your current response is not going to win her back. it is likely the marriage is over. Sobbing and begging etc is not attractive at all and will push her away further. You need to work on yourself alone, you cannot change her. You no longer have a marriage worth saving, if you do reconcile a new one would have to be built from ground up.

1. Start doing a hard 180
2. Get therapy for yourself, no communication with her at all (your older kids can do that)
3. Are you working, keep occupied
4. See a lawyer for what your options are
5. Work on yourself, go to gym, take up new sport, etc
6. Set boundaries for your wife, why are you allowing her to decide whether you are plan A or plan B, have some self respect!
7. Fake it till you make it and do not share information on how you are feeling with the kids
8. Speak to your close friend or family member
9. Set boundaries for yourself and for her moving forward.
10 No mention of MC, nor reconciliation, etc. Act like you are taking her at her word.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Deputyrj said:


> spent years talking down to me, correcting my parenting, and controlling me.


So, it sounds like, to me, that I would be dancing a jig to get rid of her. Any woman who leaves her children to take off with a POS richly deserves to get him. Change the locks, take all the money. Get a lawyer and get rid of her completely, out of your life, and out of her children's life. Your 17-year-old can make his/her own choice about time with his/her mother. Your 13-year-old needs to be protected from her and the POS.



Deputyrj said:


> someone on parole when she is a Probabtion Officer


You need to, today, at 8:30 AM, call her supervisor and inform him/her of your wife's activities. And, at 9:00 AM, contact your wife's supervisor's supervisor, and at 9:30 AM, call the office of your mayor, then at 10:00 AM, call the POSOM's supervisor and inform him/her that their parolee is sleeping with THEIR PO, the one whose salary they pay. I'm relatively sure this is illegal, it certainly is unethical conduct, it will likely get her fired, but so be it.....if anyone should know "...do the crime, do the time...." it should certainly be your wife. I have no sympathy.

As an American taxpayer and a law-abiding citizen, I assure you that her current choices don't "fly" with me. I would advocate sending his lousy a$$ back to prison. He doesn't sound repentant to me. And, if the law provides for it, she should be right there beside him. I don't pay my unbearable tax bills so that I can have public servants contributing to the delinquency of criminals. If I knew of this in my locality, I would be the one on the phone at 8:45, 9:15, and 9:45, and at 10:15, I would be telling my congressman's office that if they want my vote, they will act.



aine said:


> You no longer have a marriage worth saving,


Amen. And, your children would be far better off with her gone. So will you. What a God-awful example. Start a new life for yourself and your kids. Go get a lawyer.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what your wife is doing is against the rules of conduct in her job and you need to report both of them...the last thing you need is her parolee around your kids for their safety...i'm sorry for what you are going through but regardless of your relationship to your wife you need to report this asap to protect your children. Step up as a father and get this done.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Your first priority is protecting your kids.
The first thing you need to do is secure an attorney. You should take every legal step possible to keep your kids away from these two. Start the divorce paperwork while you are there.
Your second call needs to be to the Mayor or City Manager of the city or town where you live. If she works for the state you reside in, similarly work the chain there. Continue making calls down the ladder from there until you reach her direct supervisor. Demand immediate action. If they waffle, contact your local news stations. Absolutely obliterate her little world.
Your marriage is over. You both have destroyed it in your actions. Everything now is about the safety of your kids.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cheating with a parolee as a probation officer is one of the worse ideas I have ever heard 

Report her before she gets herself hurt or worse.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

First off, I wouldn't be jumping to reporting her right now. If you divorce and she doesn't have a job and can't get a new one, what then? You will be paying an arm and two legs in child support and alimony.

I would contact a lawyer or two, second opinions are always good, to see where you stand and what they recommend on reporting. First and foremost you need to protect yourself, so consult an attorney before doing any reporting. 

Second, I have doubts that she's actually at a hotel and not loverboys apartment. Do you have proof of her whereabouts? Not her word, that's useless, actual proof. I also have doubts about this "trip" she has scheduled. What is the trip for and who is she going with? Do you have proof of that as well? 

Third, playing this pathetic "pick me!" dance isn't doing you any favors. You are right to set boundaries (ie, an end date) but you HAVE to make sure you stick to that. Follow the steps that aine listed above. 

And yeah, you cheated and ruined the marriage first but two wrongs don't make a right either.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Marriage done. Divorce. Don’t expose. Get a lawyer and follow advice.

why would you want her back or even consider giving her the choice between him or you???????
She’s your WIFE!!!!!!!!!

You cheated. The marriage was likely killed then. It’s just been lingering on until your wife burned the remains. 

Nothimg to do but move on. Not East you want to hear. Swallow the bitter pill, knowing that it’s fir the best. You’ll see it that way one day. May tahr a couple of years.

I would expose when my lawyer said I could. That’s awful behavior and shows no character at all.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Move on .... she already has.


----------



## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Sadly, I’ve seen first hand the situation your wife has put herself in. PO has a thing for bad boys, they give up their lives and families for said bad boy. Eventually everything turns to **** for them and boom. No job, no family, no prospects for either job or family returning to the place it was. This is a double whammy for you as she is now in lurve with said bad boy and I personally doubt she wants to return to you.

her credibility will be shot and she will be ostracized by her peers.

I agree with many of the posters, let her go, file for divorce and start making changes in your own life. Yes you screwed up royally by having an affair earlier, but that doesn’t make it right to return the favour. Many of the women that I’ve seen in this situation are very broken. It’s not just the spouse and family that they’ve given up, but all aspects of their lives. Sad, but true.

wishing you and your family the best outcome.

OT


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Deputyrj said:


> I am at a complete loss and would have never anticipated that she would cheat on me (especially with someone on parole when she is a Probabtion Officer)
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

So she is committing felony rape also. Having sex with someone you have authority over is felony rape. It gets to her supervisor she will be fired at the least and felony charges may be brought against her. It is no different than a male guard having sex with female inmates.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Time to stop looking for answers in this very flawed thread. Consult with a lawyer and get out of this marriage.

Get tested for STDs, and move on. Ask your lawyer about whether or not to expose. Why? Because if she loses her job, guess who is on tap for more money out in spousal support--you.


----------

