# husband doesn't satisfy me sexually



## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

We are young. I'm 23 and he is about to turn 23. We have been married over a year. We were each other's first sexual partners. I was his first girlfriend. While I had dated and even experimented in the past, I suffered from vaginismus which was not "cured" (after undergoing surgery and physical therapy) until my relationship with him. I really couldn't wait to be married to him. We were best friends and I trusted him. 

He lacks in passion. For a while we had a "sexless" marriage even though we were eager before. We are starting to get more intimate, but I am left unsatisfied while he is not. I enjoy a man who can take control, but he is not like that. I've tried to tell him but the end result is the same. 

Even though I am unsatisfied I still continue to go to him. I'm sure he thinks it's too much now, but I guess I won't stop until I am satisfied.

I had waited until marriage partially out of incident and I wish I hadn't. I wish that I could have explored more, which is weird because I was so sure of marrying him. I use to have this confidence about myself that I feel like I've lost since my marriage. This is the kind of confidence I need in my career but I just feel awkward.

We took the 5 love language quiz and I've noticed that he's perfectly satisfied in our marriage as a whole, while I am not. I've expressed this but to no avail. He's either busy or too tired or playing his computer games (which has always been an issue). I'm trying to balance my needs for him so he can still enjoy his life, but it is hard.

We've gotten so bad that I finally said I didn't know if I could continue like this because I wasn't being fulfilled physically, emotionally, and even felt a slight resentment because I had to put my career on hold for a while until we moved. He didn't like the sound of it and we have been okay since then, but still... 

We are too young for this.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Hi Believeinyou,

Couple of things--I think you should check out the "LD Husband Journal" thread. Sounds like some similarities here.

What was the cause of your sexless period in your marriage? How long did it last?

Do you have children yet? If not--DO NOT have children until this is resolved to your satisfaction.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That's odd behavior on his part. As a young male he should be banging your brains out, or looking for every opportunity to do so.

Let me ask you....is he ashamed of his body? His penis size? Have you ever said anything hurtful or negative to him in the past that may be haunting him?

How is his health? Is he in shape or overweight? Does he watch porn? How many hours a day does he play on his computer compared to spending quality time with you? 

Give us some more data.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

From the tone of your post, I think you could have left out the word "sexually" from the title. Is that a fair reading?


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

We do not have children and definitely do not plan on it for a few years. 

As for the cause of our sexless point? It was on his side. He just... didn't. His testosterone levels were checked and he's fine.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I've never said anything to him that would have hurt him. He would have definitely told me. He just goes on happily. He doesn't watch porn, nor is he overweight. He's fairly decent in all areas. He's comfortable with himself. I'm always trying to eat healthy and workout as I model and work in acting and music. He just laughs at me about it because he says he's fine with how he is. As far as the games..... a lot. I think he considers our quality time together as just being in the house together.

I know he loves me and is faithful. He's just... content. 

I've thought about what it would be like if we separated, but I love him. I love his family and he loves me unconditionally. The things about me that have had past men run, he knows and handles well.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I guess I could have. I put the title first and then I just typed while thinking about all the info. Haha.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Who typically initiates sex? Are you doing all the work to initiate or does he ever step up?

Are you able to O without him? 

When you have sex, does he just roll over and stop? Have you asked him to try to help you out and he refuses, or do you not press the point?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I won't stop until I am satisfied."

This and............

"We are too young for this."

This!

Don't stop trying to make him understand and yes you are toooooo young. He needs to get his head out of his _______and be more intimate.

your marriage depends on it.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I mostly initiate because if I left it up to him, we would probably have another 4-5 months of nothing. He only steps up when he is half asleep and then he barely gets to tease me before falling asleep on top of me. This has happened without fail.

I am able to O without him.

He does just roll over and stop. I've pressed the matter but it's like he dances around it. Not on purpose of course.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

He's being selfish. Whatever it is you're doing for him that makes him content in the marriage---stop doing it. Let him know it's directly a result of his selfishness. When he's ready to start holding up his end of the relationship, you can resume holding up your end. Make sure he knows the score--don't do it in a passive agressive manner.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

believeinyou said:


> I guess I could have. I put the title first and then I just typed while thinking about all the info. Haha.


Then your problems are much larger than sexuality, and you won't fix the others by fixing the one, will you?


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

oh man. That's hard. Because then the house may fall apart. Haha. To tell you the truth I don't know what it is I'm doing or not doing that is making this happen. As far as him not reciprocating... he's really just... an idiot. But I know he feels bad about it.

We enjoy each other. We go on trips as we love to travel. Mostly small trips like Dallas to visit his aunt. Our plan is to move there when he finishes grad school. I'm like a completely different person whenever we are in a new city. We spent our anniversary in New Orleans (we are only 3 hours away). But we did nothing but watch tv and go sight seeing. My sis in law gave us her comped room at a casino resort in our hometown a few weeks ago... but watched Van Hellsing... Our honeymoon we went to Orlando and literally had no sexual encounters, though we had fun at Uni. Studios. Even our night of the wedding.... we watched The Mummy...

I guess I'm just blowing steam at this point.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> playing his computer games (which has always been an issue).


Been there. Done that. It is not good. The computer games have to go or be regulated. Is he married to the Xbox or you?

Further, at 23, does he have any sexual prowess? Probably not. This is something you acquire over time.

If it is not to much TMI for you, just what is he doing and not doing to satisfy you?


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

Cletus

If we knew what our problems were then I guess we'd try haha. At this point though, I want to be treated like a wanted woman. Rather than the child I sometimes feel like. I swear I'm so awkward that it's like I'm going through puberty again. I thin it's starting to show in my performances.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> I mostly initiate because if I left it up to him, we would probably have another 4-5 months of nothing. He only steps up when he is half asleep and then he barely gets to tease me before falling asleep on top of me. This has happened without fail.
> 
> I am able to O without him.
> 
> He does just roll over and stop. I've pressed the matter but it's like he dances around it. Not on purpose of course.


Is there any porn watching on his part?


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

The is barely foreplay. He's pretty bad at it, though I've never said so. I enjoy being physically shown that I'm wanted. If I showed him how, then that would also be a turn off for me. I guess I just like how men can have the "audacity". That's just a thing for me. He finishes before I am and then by that time he's too tired...


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Is there any porn watching on his part?


Not that I am aware of and I am aware of a lot. His porn is his WOW playing. haha.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> Not that I am aware of and I am aware of a lot. His porn is his WOW playing. haha.


Great...another WOW friggin warrior. That crap needs to go. Does he play on teams? Chit chatting with any W who play this brain sucking game?

Look, I got sucked into these damn games. Ignored the wife. Did the do quickly so I could go play. Your H is doing the same if you ask me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> The is barely foreplay. He's pretty bad at it, though I've never said so. I enjoy being physically shown that I'm wanted. If I showed him how, then that would also be a turn off for me. I guess I just like how men can have the "audacity". That's just a thing for me. He finishes before I am and then by that time he's too tired...


H needs to learn to satisfy you first. In due time his will happen. It's like this....men O and basically lose that super desire to go at it like Banshees. Nap time as it were. I know, I'm one of them. Soon as I'm done my drive is gone. Therefore, I assure that my W is satisfied to the fullest before I even think of having my O. As a result, my sexual prowess grows and intensifies. Wife receives her desired foreplay and O. At that time she is aroused to the point that is it no holds barred for me getting mine. Nothing short of incredible. (sorry if this seem a little to much TMI. No way around it really) 

It seems to me you two at 23 have some learning to do in the sex making department. Once you H finds that spot it will be much different world for him than WOW.

Perhaps simply keping him from O before you is the trick. Once he O the party is over for you is over. Males are built that way. Done and run.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

He spends his free time chatting and doing raids. It always gets in the way of chores and such. He works two jobs and then has rehearsal with me as we are both actors, so I understand he should have free time. When I mentioned separation he was so adamant about not having that. he mentioned he was addicted to the game and said he would try. I asked him what he has done about it and he surfs the web for the other games. He has table top game nights with his friends which is both cute and the bane of my existence. I enjoy nerd things. I'm into cosplay and what not. But really?


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I swear tho. Sometimes I just want to dress up and go out to a bar without him just for attention. I never do though. Due to my commitment to him and $$. That sounds bad I guess. Soo I just leave it in my head.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> He spends his free time chatting and doing raids. It always gets in the way of chores and such. He works two jobs and then has rehearsal with me as we are both actors, so I understand he should have free time. When I mentioned separation he was so adamant about not having that. he mentioned he was addicted to the game and said he would try. I asked him what he has done about it and he surfs the web for the other games. He has table top game nights with his friends which is both cute and the bane of my existence. I enjoy nerd things. I'm into cosplay and what not. But really?


The game has to go. Honestly, free time is for you. Not his virtual army killing pixel bad dudes. 

Said he would try? That is bullsh!t. He needs to do. That simple. The game has to go. 

I did the same crap. Play, play and play. Get up early as my wife slept in. SO I COULD PLAY!! I should have stayed in bed instead taking care of my W business. GET RID OF THE GAME. He needs to become a H and not a roommate. 

You look to be a distraction to his game playing. 

Nerdy things are fine. Do them together.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> I swear tho. Sometimes I just want to dress up and go out to a bar without him just for attention. I never do though. Due to my commitment to him and $$. That sounds bad I guess. Soo I just leave it in my head.


I commend you for not doing that and giving this a chance. Going out will not solve the problem. My wife did the same. Kept the faith in me. Told me what she needed. I ignored. Played games. Not much sex. Same stuff you H is doing. One day a 2x4 hit me in the head. The 2x4 was one that said...you are screwing up bro. Your wife is an incredible person. You are mismanaging the marriage by not meeting her EN. I did a complete turn around. She is swept away. 

Your H needs that 2x4. 



Please keep the vow. Work on him. Get the book His Needs, Her Needs. He needs to read it. 

Throw the Xbox away.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Throw the Xbox away.


Agreed. If he were serious, he'd buy a Playstation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Agreed. If he were serious, he'd buy a Playstation.


I have one of those as well. Plus I play on the PC. I have hand held games.  Don't mess with them much now. 

Best hand held game I found has been with me for 20 years. I will continue to hold her hand for the next 20 and beyond.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I don't know how he's going to get that 2x4. But we will try. Thank you!

If you have any other advice just let me know.

And Cletus. We have a Playstation.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

believeinyou said:


> He spends his free time chatting and doing raids. It always gets in the way of chores and such. He works two jobs and then has rehearsal with me as we are both actors, so I understand he should have free time. When I mentioned separation he was so adamant about not having that. he mentioned he was addicted to the game and said he would try. I asked him what he has done about it and he surfs the web for the other games. He has table top game nights with his friends which is both cute and the bane of my existence. I enjoy nerd things. I'm into cosplay and what not. But really?


Hide his xbox/playstation/what ever gaming console he has. He has to grow up at some point and prioritize his wife over gaming. Then make an agreement with him on a No technology time period. He can play his games for an hour and then no more, they get put away.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> Hide his xbox/playstation/what ever gaming console he has. He has to grow up at some point and prioritize his wife over gaming. Then make an agreement with him on a No technology time period. He can play his games for an hour and then no more, they get put away.


I guess this is where the "I'm your wife, not your mother" begins.... other than picking up after him. Ha.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Have you considered that he may be a very closeted gay person?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

michzz said:


> Have you considered that he may be a very closeted gay person?


Yes, he plays with his joystick.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

michzz said:


> Have you considered that he may be a very closeted gay person?


That's not the first time that that's been brought up. I'm absolutely positive that is not in the closet. Even if he were, then he still hasn't figured it out. 

I feel like a lot of it is that he still has "boyish" tendencies. The video games, the super hero t shirts, etc. Those things are okay for a grown man if he's making up else where, where ever that may be. 

He is loved at work because he's so responsible and apparently has common sense, but he gets home and we are both just playing house.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> I don't know how he's going to get that 2x4. But we will try. Thank you!
> 
> If you have any other advice just let me know.
> 
> And Cletus. We have a Playstation.


The 2x4 for me was...my wife had every reason to call in for a D or worse. She didn't. She stayed the course(just like you are doing. And I'm delighted you are). I finally realized how I was mismanaging her EN. When I turned it around my world changed and for the better. 

You need to tell your H the gaming needs to be at the very least...regulated. He will need to be weened. Honestly, it is like a drug some of these games. Hell, I love Skyrim. Could play for days. But, I learned the time to play is when you really have the time to play. For most, there are other things in life, like a W, that you should spend your time with. Therefore, there is really very little time to fool this these games.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Sorry for what you are going thru...he is MUCH too young to have these troubles...I do believe he might be gay and not know it. I have a friend who has a son. We all went camping....the son seemed rather awkward with his GF, but whatever...what I noticed was when other young men (late teens) walked around the campground, this young man was looking at them, almost naturally, not on purpose kind of thing. I knew then he was gay. He has sinced moved to CA after graduation and has "come out" and his mom, my friend is in complete denial. Sad actually, as he is a great kid, responsible and reliable, etc.

I have a wicked "gaydar" lol. ALL men look, even just for a second, they all do. The gay ones do not, ever.

Test him. Go out to a place with a bunch of "hot people" men & women both...he will and should naturally tell you what he is attracted to based on the naked eye alone. He might not be aware or in complete denial, but out in open spaces the eyes naturally gravitate to what they like, even if they aren't supposed to look.

Again, hope I am wrong, but there doesn't seem to be any other issue, unless he has some severe trauma hiding in his past...good luck hun


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Oh dear.... Another, "your husband doesn't like sex so he MUST be gay."


:banghead:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Oh dear.... Another, "your husband doesn't like sex so he MUST be gay."
> 
> 
> :banghead:


Yep..happens all the time.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> The 2x4 for me was...my wife had every reason to call in for a D or worse. She didn't. She stayed the course(just like you are doing. And I'm delighted you are). I finally realized how I was mismanaging her EN. When I turned it around my world changed and for the better.
> 
> You need to tell your H the gaming needs to be at the very least...regulated. He will need to be weened. Honestly, it is like a drug some of these games. Hell, I love Skyrim. Could play for days. But, I learned the time to play is when you really have the time to play. For most, there are other things in life, like a W, that you should spend your time with. Therefore, there is really very little time to fool this these games.


There is no promise in waiting for him to realize. Of course, there is no promise in anything. There were times when I thought of walking out for a few days. When I realized that I loved him I knew that I never wanted him to know what heart break was. He's never had it. NEVER. I never knew the extent of how that decision would hurt us. How can you have passion when you've never had to fight for something? At the beginning when I started thinking of the possibilities of D, one thing that he said to me when I asked him what he was passionate about it was "my work and my acting". That stayed with me. We talked about that and he knew the mistake in his answer. I remember looking at him and he showed no sign of any emotion. I asked him what he thought when I mentioned D and he told me he was distraught, but where was it? It took me a couple of days to get over it. I often feel like when he knows I'm upset he does whatever he can to fix it just for the mere fact that I was upset not for something deeper. Once I started working I never had time to think about it. I wonder if any of this has been fixed or have we just put our concentration in something else entirely.

This still remains. I can't wait until I see my counselor again to discuss this. What would it fix? I'm not sure.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Yep..happens all the time.


I only said that because the are SO young, and his T levels check out fine, etc....you all have to admit that is is HIGHLY unusual for a male so young :scratchhead:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You married a boy. Who's not really into sex, for whatever reason. The scary part is that he's likely at his sexual peak right now. Sorry for your luck in chosing a partner. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

He is a video game addict. He needs to quit cold turkey. Tell him if he is going to continue playing the game (or surfing the web for something to give him his fix) that you are ending the marriage. And follow through. You are too young to be shackled to an addict for the rest of your life. Listen to his actions, not words, if he says he will "try" then tell him to prove it, ask him to see an addictions counsellor, ask him to sell his consoles. If he wants to be married to you he will easily give those up, if he blames you of being controlling, tell him that he is free to play the games all he wants when you serve him a divorce. That should be a good 2x4.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, my SO ended up with a husband who couldn't be bothered with sex. Eventually she had an affair, and he's now her ex-husband. And with me. My luck! . 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I don't think your problem is truly fixable. You are just two different types of people. There is a very tiny chance that he will make a true change of personality and be more what you need, but that is not very likely. 

Read any of the thousands of threads here about people in sexless marriages. Rarely does it get better, and if it does, the situation is that both partners are compromising in the middle rather than truly getting their needs met.

But keep in mind, rarely will you and your partner be perfectly matched. Your perfect sex partner may have faults like be bad with money and not a good parent. You'll aways have to make some compromises. Sex is a pretty big need, and if you're not matched there, it's hard to make the marriage work in the long term.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> There is no promise in waiting for him to realize. Of course, there is no promise in anything. There were times when I thought of walking out for a few days. When I realized that I loved him I knew that I never wanted him to know what heart break was. He's never had it. NEVER. I never knew the extent of how that decision would hurt us. How can you have passion when you've never had to fight for something? At the beginning when I started thinking of the possibilities of D, one thing that he said to me when I asked him what he was passionate about it was "my work and my acting". That stayed with me. We talked about that and he knew the mistake in his answer. I remember looking at him and he showed no sign of any emotion. I asked him what he thought when I mentioned D and he told me he was distraught, but where was it? It took me a couple of days to get over it. I often feel like when he knows I'm upset he does whatever he can to fix it just for the mere fact that I was upset not for something deeper. Once I started working I never had time to think about it. I wonder if any of this has been fixed or have we just put our concentration in something else entirely.
> 
> This still remains. I can't wait until I see my counselor again to discuss this. What would it fix? I'm not sure.


I was passionate about my work. For me, providing and keeping a roof over our heads was how I expressed my love. W wanted physical love. This is one of her top needs. I was missing the mark. Your H seems to be more of a roommate than a H. 

Sometimes one has to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. You seem to be at that point. You appear to be a very good person and care for your H a lot. Your H does not reciprocate. Your H needs to wake up. Get him out of his game fog and back to reality. I would say at this point, your H is immature in many respects. The game playing. Making sex as quickly as possible to go play more games or just to "get his" then fall asleep. 

Your H needs to grow up.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PBear said:


> *You married a boy.* Who's not really into sex, for whatever reason. The scary part is that he's likely at his sexual peak right now. Sorry for your luck in chosing a partner.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

He ain't into sex. He is into WOW. He needs to grow up.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

notperfectanymore said:


> I only said that because the are SO young, and his T levels check out fine, etc....you all have to admit that is is HIGHLY unusual for a male so young :scratchhead:


He is into video games and immature. I would not doubt he might visit Rosy Palmer and her five sisters in the shower. Thus creating low sex drive.(Your talking to a professional here. Quick release in the shower=zero drive for more. )

Just my take on it.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Believe, 

The only way he'll get the 2x4 is if you say "I am getting a divorce. If you want to do anything to prevent it you've got X days".

If the 2x4 doesn't do it, I'm afraid there is nothing else to be done. If the 2x4 does motivate him to work on things, he still may not turn out to be the man for you. You'll have to wait and see.

You're 23 and childless. There is no way you want to be here 10 years from now talking about how you can't leave because of the kids. Or, be here 25 years from now. Do not waste your life.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Welcome believeinyou...sorry you are here for the reason you are. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, however. The more women who speak out about their LD husbands, the more people will not be surprised to hear it and say things like "he must be gay" (which is something no one says when the LD spouse is the wife).


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

It all seems to come down to the ultimatum. Eventually it's just up to me on what I want to pursue. D is such a hard thing consider. I was raised where it was practically against my religion. My dad is pastor and when he tells me about some of his marriage counselling sessions (he never tells me names, he uses situations as examples) it can just feel the judgement. He's a wonder pastor and does his very best to practice what he preaches. Then you hear from my mother... who was married young and divorced (my father is her second husband). She's usually unhappy, as being a preacher's wife is hard. My own brother pushed for a divorce while his wife was pregnant with his child after having (and continuing) an affair while he was serving across seas. It was so bad. The judgement. Now my brother and his wife are married again with their second child and are happy.

Some people are just like "JUST LEAVE". It's hard. Vows are not what I've taken lightly. They are there for a reason. Everything has always seemed black and white to me until now.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

notperfectanymore said:


> I only said that because the are SO young, and his T levels check out fine, etc....you all have to admit that is is HIGHLY unusual for a male so young :scratchhead:


I will admit no such thing. 

I would disagree with you, and many other women with LD men would disagree with you.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

**my brother had the affair** just for specification


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Welcome believeinyou...sorry you are here for the reason you are. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, however. The more women who speak out about their LD husbands, the more people will not be surprised to hear it and say things like "he must be gay" (which is something no one says when the LD spouse is the wife).


:iagree:

Stereotypes.

ETA: Next time I see a thread with a man complaining about his LD wife I am going to post, "she must be a lesbian."


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Here we go again...

Unbelievable... :scratchhead:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> Believe,
> 
> The only way he'll get the 2x4 is if you say "I am getting a divorce. If you want to do anything to prevent it you've got X days".
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> It all seems to come down to the ultimatum. Eventually it's just up to me on what I want to pursue. D is such a hard thing consider.Yes it is. Not to be taken lightly. I was raised where it was practically against my religion. My dad is pastor and when he tells me about some of his marriage counselling sessions (he never tells me names, he uses situations as examples) it can just feel the judgement. We should not judge but we do. However, when does happiness enter the equation? He's a wonder pastor and does his very best to practice what he preaches. Then you hear from my mother... who was married young and divorced (my father is her second husband). She's usually unhappy, as being a preacher's wife is hard. Yes, one is put on a higher pedestal. My own brother pushed for a divorce while his wife was pregnant with his child after having (and continuing) an affair while he was serving across seas. It was so bad. The judgement. Now my brother and his wife are married again with their second child and are happy. Some can R. Others not so much.
> 
> Some people are just like "JUST LEAVE". It's hard. Vows are not what I've taken lightly. Bless you. They are there for a reason. Everything has always seemed black and white to me until now.


I truly believe your H is very immature. You appear to have your act together. Does H attend MC or does he participate in LAN games all weekend?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

believeinyou said:


> I don't know how he's going to get that 2x4. But we will try. Thank you!
> 
> If you have any other advice just let me know.
> 
> And Cletus. We have a Playstation.


Send him over here and we guys will take turns banging him over the head with 2 x 4's

Seriously, at least it bugs me when I read these stories of guys that are this clueless. I confess to being a clueless guy myself, but I knew some of the basics well before I got married;
*"MARRIED MEANS SEX, and sex means trying to please your spouse!"*


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I've never gotten around to talking to my counselor about MC. That all depends on our insurance. We don't have much money. It's something I've considered and I'm sure he'd go. but our damn schedules.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

believeinyou said:


> It all seems to come down to the ultimatum. Eventually it's just up to me on what I want to pursue. D is such a hard thing consider. I was raised where it was practically against my religion.


I don't think God wants you to be unhappy for the next 70 years. I doubt that His plan for you is to be with a man who directs his attention towards computer games and doesn't satisfy you. 

Yes, your father and other people in society may not like it if you divorce, but that will only last a short while. They will get over it. They will be glad to see you happy in the future.

All of us who have lived through marriages for 10, 20 or 30 years can tell you that partners generally don't become more attentive over the years. You may be able to convince him to put more effort into being attentive, but it will be more like a chore to him rather than something he's doing from his heart.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> Send him over here and we guys will take turns banging him over the head with 2 x 4's
> 
> Seriously, at least it bugs me when I read these stories of guys that are this clueless. I confess to being a clueless guy myself, but I knew some of the basics well before I got married;
> *"MARRIED MEANS SEX, and sex means trying to please your spouse!"*


 I've thought about telling him about this site haha. This is my first day on it. I'm sure if he browsed the section and opened this thread he would know it's me. I'm both curious and afraid as to what would happen.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

believeinyou said:


> I've never gotten around to talking to my counselor about MC. That all depends on our insurance. We don't have much money. It's something I've considered and I'm sure he'd go. but our damn schedules.


Divorces are much more expensive and time consuming... Plus there are free options in many areas. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

believeinyou said:


> I've thought about telling him about this site haha. This is my first day on it. I'm sure if he browsed the section and opened this thread he would know it's me. I'm both curious and afraid as to what would happen.


What's the worst thing that can happen? You have a discussion about how unhappy you are with your sex life?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> Have you considered that he may be a very closeted gay person?





believeinyou said:


> That's not the first time that that's been brought up. I'm absolutely positive that is not in the closet. Even if he were, then he still hasn't figured it out.
> 
> I feel like a lot of it is that he still has "boyish" tendencies. The video games, the super hero t shirts, etc. Those things are okay for a grown man if he's making up else where, where ever that may be.
> 
> He is loved at work because he's so responsible and apparently has common sense, but he gets home and we are both just playing house.





notperfectanymore said:


> Sorry for what you are going thru...he is MUCH too young to have these troubles...I do believe he might be gay and not know it. I have a friend who has a son. We all went camping....the son seemed rather awkward with his GF, but whatever...what I noticed was when other young men (late teens) walked around the campground, this young man was looking at them, almost naturally, not on purpose kind of thing. I knew then he was gay. He has sinced moved to CA after graduation and has "come out" and his mom, my friend is in complete denial. Sad actually, as he is a great kid, responsible and reliable, etc.
> 
> I have a wicked "gaydar" lol. ALL men look, even just for a second, they all do. The gay ones do not, ever.
> 
> ...





TheCuriousWife said:


> Oh dear.... Another, "your husband doesn't like sex so he MUST be gay."
> 
> 
> :banghead:


Actually, it is a legitimate area of concern when you are talking about a 25-year-old man uninterested in sex with his wife.

Nobody said he "MUST" be gay.

Whatever is going on with him, the OP should candidly explore all of the reasonable possibilities--preferably with him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

believeinyou said:


> Some people are just like "JUST LEAVE". It's hard. Vows are not what I've taken lightly. They are there for a reason. Everything has always seemed black and white to me until now.


Nobody here is advising you to "just leave" Nor is anyone recommending you break a vow.

But to many on here, a relationship without sexual fulfillment is a dealbreaker. Also, a spouse that is unwilling to find a solution to their partners unmet needs is also a dealbreaker, up to and including not upholding their vows.

Setting boundaries and announcing the consequences isn't an ultimatum, its offering a chance for your partner to participate in the relationship. It's giving them a choice.

This is entirely up to you what you NEED to do in order to create the life you want (even if that means following God's will) - and it is between you and your H to choose what kind of relationship you want to have. It is not for your father the pastor, nor anyone else to decide for you.

Putting divorce on the table is not at all the same thing as just leaving. Putting divorce on the table means establishing a relationship boundary that if either of you are unwilling to meet your obligations or fulfill each others needs, then the vows are already tarnished. Putting divorce on the table is opening the discussion about serious matters that urgently need to be addressed together.


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

He's still a kid. In general, men mature at a slower rate than women, and on top of that, every person matures in their own time. You're at different places. I am going to play devil's advocate here, and say that he doesn't have much longer to be low on responsibilities, with a lot of free time during which he can do silly things like play video games. If he were 30, I'd have a different perspective. 

Now, he does have a responsibility to you, as your husband. Sexual compatibility is detrimental to a happy marriage, and it is something that a lot of people (yourself included) don't talk about prior to committing. You're late to the party, but it's time to have that discussion now. Ask him things like:

How often do you masturbate?
How many times a week do you NEED to have sex/orgasm?
How many times a week do you WANT to have sex/orgasm?
What is your sexual bucket list?
What are some of your fantasies, in detail?
What about me turns you on?
How do you want me to touch you?
Do you enjoy foreplay? How much of it do you prefer before PIV?

These are all important questions, ones you should answer for him as well, and honestly - talking about it alone can put you in the mood.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> I've never gotten around to talking to my counselor about MC. That all depends on our insurance. We don't have much money. It's something I've considered and I'm sure he'd go. but our damn schedules.


It is your marriage. Find the money and the time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> I've thought about telling him about this site haha. This is my first day on it. I'm sure if he browsed the section and opened this thread he would know it's me. I'm both curious and afraid as to what would happen.


You can always delete this thread. Also, ask a mod to move it to the private section. H will not be able to see it until he has 50 posts registered.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PBear said:


> Divorces are much more expensive and time consuming... Plus there are free options in many areas.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can I like this 100x?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lon said:


> Nobody here is advising you to "just leave" Nor is anyone recommending you break a vow.
> 
> But to many on here, a relationship without sexual fulfillment is a dealbreaker. Also, a spouse that is unwilling to find a solution to their partners unmet needs is also a dealbreaker, up to and including not upholding their vows.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrsFrench said:


> He's still a kid. In general, men mature at a slower rate than women, and on top of that, every person matures in their own time. You're at different places. I am going to play devil's advocate here, and say that he doesn't have much longer to be low on responsibilities, with a lot of free time during which he can do silly things like play video games. If he were 30, I'd have a different perspective.
> 
> Now, he does have a responsibility to you, as your husband. Sexual compatibility is detrimental to a happy marriage, and it is something that a lot of people (yourself included) don't talk about prior to committing. You're late to the party, but it's time to have that discussion now. Ask him things like:
> 
> ...


The overall issue most are seeing here Believeinyou is your H is immature. Plays games. Free time is felt to be better spent playing games or shirking chores. Like a kid. You are his momma(for a lack of a better word). A roommate. However, he can mature and grow up. The questions MrsFrench outlined above are a darn good place to start. You might find your H is a bit shy in answering some of them if not all. If he intends to just run away from it you can at the very least say you tried. There will be no mystery or surprise when you state you want a D. Again, willing to lose the marriage is sometime the way to save it. 

I truly think you want this to work. Nothing in your posts express otherwise. It will be up to you to have him open up and explore the real world away from WOW. In short, he needs to grow up.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I would like to add just one thing if I may. 

Sometimes people expect things from others that they are not capable of. Sometimes people focus on what others do not do well and ignore what they do do well. For example, my wife was similar to you. She likes physical sex. Much more often than me. She stated over and over that she wanted more. Me, I was like a 1 or 2 times a week guy. Heck, I worked and provided. I played my video games. This was my way of expressing my love.(sound familiar?) Over time my wife, who kept at me for not being sexually active with her decided that this was just me. Sex a few times a week. However, she always said I'm a great father and provider. She thanked the Lord above for these qualities in me. She accepted the lack of sex as just the way I am. 

That brings me to this thread I started....please read what my wife emailed me. Realize it took 20 years to get us here. Marriage takes work. We both know that. My wife is an exceptional woman. Just this short time in your thread I see the same qualities in you. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/217242-yes-im-going-brag.html


Take the time. Work at it. No one said it would be easy or your spouse was fantastic in all aspects of the marriage. However, with some time...both can be. But again, it takes work, love and commitment. It sounds like you have all three. Your H needs to jump on the band wagon.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

Now I just have to bring it up. I feel bad because it's always the same conversation. I feel like I keep repeating myself and on the other end I probably make him feel like he's not doing enough, which in the long run is true but still. Making someone feel that way is terrible.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

Thank you to everyone for your advice! I really appreciate it. We shall see what happens. I'll make updates. 

Once again, I really can't thank you all enough.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you initially mentioned some sort of operation and painful sex, that he somehow overcame. But you did not elaborate. Does it still hurt when you have PIV sex. He might have tried PIV sex a few times, saw that it hurt you a lot, and got frightened about doing it any more. Now when he and you are tryig, he is wondering not if you are having fun, but if you are in agony. maybe?


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

Update:my husband got off 3 hours ago. I don't know where he is, though I have a feeling.

As my surgery, things are fine. No troubles.


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> Update:my husband got off 3 hours ago. I don't know where he is, though I have a feeling.
> 
> As my surgery, things are fine. No troubles.


This post is starting to smell fishy. No mention of suspecting infidelity prior to you telling us you'd keep us updated, now a few hours later he's not coming home and you "have a feeling"?

:wtf:


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

Certainly not infidelity. I figured he was at his friends house playing his nerd games. Actually he was helping at our community theatre.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

MrsFrench said:


> He's still a kid.* In general, men mature at a slower rate than women*, and on top of that, every person matures in their own time. You're at different places. I am going to play devil's advocate here, and say that he doesn't have much longer to be low on responsibilities, with a lot of free time during which he can do silly things like play video games. If he were 30, I'd have a different perspective.




So men generally mature much slower rate than women and based on other post, if I guy doesn't want sex he is gay:circle:

Now I understand how some of you ladies feel reading threads in the Men's Clubhouse:yawn2:

OP, I am going against the general consensus and I am going to say the problem isn't the gaming. The problem is your husband isn't attentive to your needs. I am not much of a gamer but not everyone has such dignified hobbies as birdwatching or wine tasting. Does this hobby cause you physical pain or utterly disrespect you? Absolutely not. And if you guys had a great sex life and he ways always engaging you , him gaming all the time would just be his thing. He's not immature for playing video games. He is immature because he doesn't understand what it means to be married in the romantic sense IMO. You need to run what's called the Female Action Plan. I just invented this

Basically you destabilize the relationship but telling him you will tend to his needs when he makes an effort to tend to yours. No spite. Just honest and upfront about your needs. The Female Action Plan, or the FAP is your biggest weapon. You must Fap as much as possible and Fap relentlessly to get your husband to understand your needs.

Now go sister! Get to Fapping


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

FalconKing said:


> MrsFrench said:
> 
> 
> > He's still a kid.* In general, men mature at a slower rate than women*, and on top of that, every person matures in their own time. You're at different places. I am going to play devil's advocate here, and say that he doesn't have much longer to be low on responsibilities, with a lot of free time during which he can do silly things like play video games. If he were 30, I'd have a different perspective.
> ...


Men, in general, maturing at a slower pace than women is scientific fact, my friend. I thought this was common knowledge...


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

**update** 
So I'm sure he knows something is up. I haven't mustered up the courage to pull him out of his world yet.

He just went to the store (we are going tail-gating with his frat). He called me saying he is getting me Oreos. That's unusual and perks me up.

Will Oreos save our marriage? No, but they are pretty delicious!


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> The is barely foreplay. He's pretty bad at it, though I've never said so. I enjoy being physically shown that I'm wanted. *If I showed him how, then that would also be a turn off for me. *I guess I just like how men can have the "audacity". That's just a thing for me. He finishes before I am and then by that time he's too tired...


:scratchhead:Showing my male ignorance in regards to bolded part - Why is it a turnoff to show spouse what you like??


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I think a lot of it is because I'm in experienced. My past relationships, though never having intercourse, the male was always in charge. Like he just knew also just having the guts to just try something. That is what I like.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

MrsFrench said:


> Men, in general, maturing at a slower pace than women is scientific fact, my friend. I thought this was common knowledge...



That is debatable. Make a thread and I'll debate you. You know years ago it was general accepted that women shouldn't work because they were too fragile mentally to handle it. It was supported by intellectuals. Centuries ago it was believe people of color didn't have the mental capacity to be leaders. Some intellectuals supported that as well. So I don't care who says what. I am travelled and I have meet people from all over the world. It's case by case with people.

It's just too many things to consider.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

believeinyou said:


> I think a lot of it is because I'm in experienced. My past relationships, though never having intercourse, the male was always in charge. Like he just knew also just having the guts to just try something. That is what I like.



Is your husband a very sweet and nice person? What is it that made you decide to marry him as opposed to the other guys? What was it that was different about him that you liked?


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I can be myself around him without judgement. He looked passed my emotional issues, accepts them, an handles them well. They chased away all the others. We've discussed that he's good in other areas as a husband, but over compensating to fill the lack in other areas doesn't fix the problem.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

believeinyou said:


> I can be myself around him without judgement. He looked passed my emotional issues, accepts them, an handles them well. They chased away all the others. We've discussed that he's good in other areas as a husband, but over compensating to fill the lack in other areas doesn't fix the problem.



Sometimes it's really hard for a loving and understanding person to be a take charge kind of person and an aggressive lover in the relationship. Because they are really sensitive to your boundaries. And sometimes a take charge kind of guy doesn't have patience if the relationship requires certain things. You have to express to him that you need this from him as much as you need everything else he is doing. I'm sure you have already. Keep it at it. He may not know how to connect him still being the guy he is and just sometimes taking charge and creating a lot of sexual tension. Is he an avid reader? Maybe give him some material? And like mentioned before.. He sounds fulfilled in the marriage so he might not sense the urgency of what you are asking because he still gets what he wants out of the marriage. Overall how happy are you in the marriage? Let him know how much of a part this plays.

Also maybe you could consider counseling. Because perhaps if he knew you were considering a third party intervention he would know how serious this is for you. And it would help him recognize the weight of the problem.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

That is very much where we are at. I never thought of it that way, with him being accepting to my issues. In a way I feel cheated because I feel like did everything I was supposed to, though it was incidental, in waiting for my husband for intercourse but I want to experience whatever is amazing about it.

He'd be very open to counseling I think because he majors in psychology and is all for that stuff.

We went tail gating with his fraternity, though we didn't stay long. I like the people fine but there's no conversation or anything happening there that I enjoy a lot. I'm not much on beer pong. I feel bad because every time I go to events like that with him no one talks to me. We all say our "hi how are you" but never beyond that. He decided to take me home and even called in at the community theatre that he helps so he could stay gone with me. So that's something.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

believe,

FalconKing has a good point. The kind of guys that just "take charge" are often people that don't care about your feelings. The guys that "care about your feelings" often aren't the "take charge and have their way with you type" because they care too much about your feelings. This is a hard balance to strike. My first wife wanted me to "just take her, whether she wanted it or not". I told her that if she wanted to get raped, she'd have to find somebody else. 

To the degree that he doesn't "take charge", you may have to live with some of that in order to get a considerate guy. However, I'm not sure that's the main problem here. Since, if he cared about your feelings, he'd respond when you tell him about your problems (assuming you've made VERY clear what they are) and he'd play games less.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

FalconKing said:


> Sometimes it's really hard for a loving and understanding person to be a take charge kind of person and an aggressive lover in the relationship. Because they are really sensitive to your boundaries. And sometimes a take charge kind of guy doesn't have patience if the relationship requires certain things. You have to express to him that you need this from him as much as you need everything else he is doing.


:iagree:Not to hi-jack, my wife had past abuse issues, also has expressed dissatisfaction with me. Recently, while doggy, part of my brain said "Grab & pull her hair", while the other half went "She'll kill U!" I did it & Holy Crap, she loved it!

I asked her why she didn't express interest before & she basically said what you did earlier in this thread about not wanting to have to say anything, that I should just KNOW. 

(Thanks for that reply, helped me understand my wife better)

Which, for her having abuse issues, it's a real WTF. Your husband may be trying to be sensitive to your boundaries, so communication is critical. If he works at meeting your other needs, he's probably sitting there wondering WTH does she want?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> We do not have children and definitely do not plan on it for a few years.
> 
> As for the cause of our sexless point? It was on his side. He just... didn't. His testosterone levels were checked and he's fine.


Test levels are "OK"... Doctors are ignorant when it come to hormones. What are his levels. The numbers please.

Total should be between 700-900. Up to 1100 is fine
Free T should be between 20-25
Estradiol between 20-30. 

Please look into this.

Have him read MMSLP


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

We talked...
He is just at a loss. He feels like he is doing everything he can think of and just doesn't know what to do. I feel so cruel. I ended up asking why did we get married and replied that we are in love. I remember being so certain of us marrying. He's decided to go with counseling and I'm going to try and make my upcoming appointment this week into a couples session. 

I told him that today was good. Him bringing me goodies and calling in to stay home with me. It made me feel like I was a priority. I just feel like crap for making him feel this way. Part of me wonders if it is just in my head due to my own issues...


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

believeinyou said:


> We talked...
> He is just at a loss. He feels like he is doing everything he can think of and just doesn't know what to do. I feel so cruel. I ended up asking why did we get married and replied that we are in love. I remember being so certain of us marrying. He's decided to go with counseling and I'm going to try and make my upcoming appointment this week into a couples session.
> 
> I told him that today was good. Him bringing me goodies and calling in to stay home with me. It made me feel like I was a priority. I just feel like crap for making him feel this way. Part of me wonders if it is just in my head due to my own issues...



This is a good start. And don't worry about feeling this way. Think about this. You said today was good and you felt like a priority. So you know what you need to feel loved. I don't know your issue but it sounds to me you are very clear about what you want and you feel he is capable of giving it to you. He just needs to do it without you telling him. Also, you feeling bad for him means you recognize he is a good person and he is trying. He's just not there yet. 

Do you have issues with anxiety or insecurities?


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

I do have anxiety/depression. That's been with me since I was 16. That's why I see a counselor. Given my chosen field I need to conquer it. It's one of those things that I feel guilty for having needs yet feel like I'm not doing enough for others, but then I get taken for granted.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Well it sounds like you are doing a great job of that.


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## believeinyou (Sep 12, 2014)

So since our talk I feel like he's been distant, which isn't surprising I guess. With him being distant makes me want to go to him. Our MC appointment isn't until next Friday. I don't know. It helps me know how much I love him, but maybe he doesn't know how to communicate it to me? I'm starting to feel selfish for not being satisfied in general, because he does take care of me in the best way he knows how.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> So since our talk I feel like he's been distant, which isn't surprising I guess. With him being distant makes me want to go to him. Our MC appointment isn't until next Friday. I don't know. It helps me know how much I love him, but maybe he doesn't know how to communicate it to me? I'm starting to feel selfish for not being satisfied in general, because he does take care of me in the best way he knows how.


When my wife started in on me about video games I got distant as well. Said it as my hobby. Which is was but...I spent way to much time at my "hobby". I felt like my good time was being taken away from me. In the end, my W is much more fun than any video game could ever be. 

Communicating love(sex). For me it kind of embarrassing(sex part). Casanova I ain't. Not until I matured some that I became the lover my W wanted me to be. Your H might feel the same way. Does H opening to talking about sex with you. Or after you two have had sex. Even at a later time. Most times my W and I will talk about our sex that night(briefly) and then text about it the next day. More sexting to follow..etc.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

michzz said:


> Have you considered that he may be a very closeted gay person?


I wasn't going to mention this but....

His behavior is so out of the ordinary. When I first got married 23 years ago my ex could not get me off of her. I pursued her 24/7. We had sex everywhere....living room floor, bathroom vanity, dressers, the washing machine, dining table... She had to beat me off with a bat. This was like for the first two years. It was nothing for us to have sex upwards of 1O to 15 times a week. 

Your husband is not acting normal.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"He's not like I was, therefore he's not normal".

This is really never a helpful statement in these situations.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> "He's not like I was, therefore he's not normal".
> 
> This is really never a helpful statement in these situations.


So what you're saying is "normal" is subjective.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> So what you're saying is "normal" is subjective.


Of course it is. 

Had I married my high school sweetheart, we would have kept pace with your 10-15 times a week even though that has never, not once in the entire history of my marriage happened with the woman I actually did marry. 

10-15 times a week puts you way the hell to the right of the distribution for most married couples, so by strict application of what the word "normal" implies, you are abnormal.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Cletus said:


> 10-15 times a week puts you way the hell to the right of the distribution for most married couples, so by strict application of what the word "normal" implies, you are abnormal.


Cool!


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> I'm starting to feel selfish for not being satisfied in general, because he does take care of me in the best way he knows how.


Do NOT feel selfish. This needs to be dealt with. If you don't do this now, you'll need to do it sooner or later. And you don't want later to be in 10 years with a couple of kids. You won't be doing him any favors by waiting.

If you're worried about how he would feel now, imagine how much worse he'd feel in the future.

If he truly cares about you, he'll listen to you and try to do make you happy and fulfilled, however uncomfortable it makes him.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

In the plus column:

He is willing to work on his marriage.

In the negative column:

He sounds naturally very low drive.

Now is the hard part to discover if there is a way to bring his game up enough to met her needs. He may or may not ever be able to do that. Are you willing to stay in that situation? If you haven't explained it is THAT important to the marriage make sure you do so. He'll needs the truth and every motivation you can give him including the risk of losing you.

Don't let the process go on forever. Inertia can set into a marriage and you'll wake up 10 years from now mad you didn't solve this right here and right now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Instead of him hearing you say....

"Honey, are you ever going to quit playing that game and come to bed?"

He should be hearing you say...

"Dammit! Stop trying to pull my panties off all the time! Can't you see I'm brushing my teeth?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Simple answer that will take years to explain. Your women and you were developed by evolution to be promiscuous, in search of the best DNA to ensure survival of the species. Our cultural family values don't allow your desires to be normal. Most women hide their true desire's to be accepted. Good luck!


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## wayword (Aug 26, 2014)

So what does a wife do when her husband just isn't "that" guy -- the one who does the stuff she thinks about when she's alone? What if she can't talk about it with him? What if he thinks what she wants is just ridiculous (it's not) and she's asking too much and nobody thinks like she does about sex? 

What's a lady to do? 

I mean obviously I take matters into my own hands, and when he wants to have sex, I have to work myself up to it (sometimes -- sometimes I just do it to get it over with for his sake since he asked). But what if sex _never _gets better? What if he is _never _interested in the things I am?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

believeinyou said:


> I do have anxiety/depression. That's been with me since I was 16. That's why I see a counselor. Given my chosen field I need to conquer it. It's one of those things that I feel guilty for having needs yet feel like I'm not doing enough for others, but then I get taken for granted.


Sex in marriage is the deepest fulfillment of intimacy for many. From your descriptions there is a fear of intimacy on the part of your DH. Gaming, drinking, shopping are all pleasurable activities. Like all things taken to the extreme, it can easily become a distraction (avoidant behavior to cope with anxiety). You feel the emotional disconnection, and complain about merely "playing house". I applaud your efforts to tell your DH about your needs. Respectfully, I suggest your DH needs to work on this fear of intimacy, or any changes he makes at your request will be appeasement. (TAM would call this duty sex). It's a near certainty that there is something blocking here ( ex. past abuse/ neglect).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

believeinyou said:


> We are young. I'm 23 and he is about to turn 23.
> 
> 
> We've gotten so bad that I finally said I didn't know if I could continue like this because I wasn't being fulfilled physically, emotionally, and even felt a slight resentment because I had to put my career on hold for a while until we moved. He didn't like the sound of it and we have been okay since then, but still...
> ...


yes you are. If you were in your 50's, you might try other things, like non-piv sex, other kinky stuff, maybe even an open marriage. BUt at 23...omg, you guys should be doing the deed like rabbits force-fed viagra! lol

for the sake of marriage itself, try some counseling. But it looks like you two are just sexually incompatible. Maybe start thinking of leaving. You really want to be fighting for scraps of sex for the next 60 years??? an open marriage would not work for you, as most of those end in divorce eventually. You are young enough that that would probably be a certainty. Might as well just divorce now, and this next time choose more carefully.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> "Dammit! Stop trying to pull my panties off all the time! Can't you see I'm brushing my teeth?"


but, that actually IS the best time to pull those nasty panties down! And the bra too!


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