# View on the "Manning Up", 180, emotional thermostat, etc. threads.



## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

I've been reading this forum for close to a year now. I'm unmarried, currently single. I found this site so randomly that I now cannot remember how I came across it. 

Although I am not married, I have been involved in relationships that I felt there was a strong emotional connection, with a commitment to fidelity, honesty and respect. However, I do not feel that any have ever reached the level of where I and my partner felt ready for marriage.

I have followed many threads on these boards and have gotten to know the stories of some posters here and I have followed new threads posted by certain individuals. Over close to a year, I have seen the arguing/debate over "manning up", the dreaded Nice Guy, emotional thermostats (and some emotional manipulation stuff) and the 180. I have tried to regularly follow MEM, Conrad, AFEH, BBW, and a few others. \

I finally registered here to say thank you to all of you for posting your opinions and personal stories on these boards. I have read threads here, then remembered back into previous relationships and have seen, and finally understood how, I've been the dreaded "Nice Guy". I know, now, what boundaries I have as an individual in a relationship and how to express them to another. Sadly, I was the individual who could not do that before and was walked on. After reading threads here, I have begun to resemble the confident individual I was when I was in the Army. Sadly, I now see how so many of my friends marriages and relationships failed while I was enlisted, and the destructive behavior of my divorced parents. After reading the Infidelity board, I know of red flags to be aware of in any future relationship. 

I believe that when I do marry, I will be a respectful,loyal ,honest,considerate, and loving partner. Mrs. Morgan will be aware of what I expect from a marriage; respect, love, affection and trust. There is more I could write, but I'm already rambling. I finally understand with a clarity I never had before, of the difference of being in a relationship with an adult partner and one who assumes the role of a parent, or needs the guidance of a parent/child relationship. 

I fully understand that ultimately this forum is simply an internet gathering of individuals sharing their opinions, stories, and aspects of their personal lives. And this has helped me greatly. 

Thanks guys,
Whip.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

This kind of post is what it is all about. 

Thank you for sharing.

I wonder even myself if I could have had access to this kind of place when I was a young man, how very beneficial it would have been!

I hope you decide to remain a contributor to this forum, as a young man able to understand these things even before you are in marriage yourself, I am excited to imagine the incredible possibilities and experiences awaiting you and the future "Mrs. Morgan"!


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

:iagree:

What I learned on this site and a couple books recommended here, I wish I knew 25 years ago.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Whip,

Thanks for the kind words.

I have heard - on many occasions - that the people and stuff here "isn't real" and that it's "all a put on" and that "people on the internet are liars, etc."

I find this to be one of the most "real" places imaginable.

It's a virtual center of excellence in understanding dysfunctional relationships. And - more importantly - it helps those trying to understand get to the taproot of the dysfunction.

I applaud your reticence to marry until you are "ready".

I wish I'd shown the same necessary restraint earlier in my life.

I wish you well.





Whip Morgan said:


> I've been reading this forum for close to a year now. I'm unmarried, currently single. I found this site so randomly that I now cannot remember how I came across it.
> 
> Although I am not married, I have been involved in relationships that I felt there was a strong emotional connection, with a commitment to fidelity, honesty and respect. However, I do not feel that any have ever reached the level of where I and my partner felt ready for marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Dogsquat (Apr 27, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Whip,
> 
> that the people and stuff here "isn't real"


I'm in the same boat as Whip, except I was a Marine.

In my experience, the people who argue hardest against the stuff you fine gents are dishing out are arguing against reality itself.

Most of the truths illuminated here aren't very pleasant to contemplate. They call into question much of what we were taught as boys and young men. It's easier to go on propping up the "sanitized" version of male/female relationships. It's safer to believe your ex was an aberration, or lacked integrity, or the time wasn't right, or any number of pretty lies we emerge from adolescence ingrained with.

Many folks don't _want_ real people to be motivated by biology. They fight for their version of truth wherein we're all special, unique snowflakes. 

It's far better (at least in my eyes) to observe what_ really_ happens, and what_ really_ works. I stopped living in a fairy tale a long time ago, and from what I've seen, many of you gents who post here are the same way.

Keep on dishing it out. I'm picking up what you're putting down. Thank you all for affording me an opportunity to learn something the easy way, for once.


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## heartbreaker (May 28, 2011)

I have been a member here since yesterday and have had my fair share of relationships and consider myself very experienced. However, I have learned more here in a day than I have in my 24 years in this world.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

heartbreaker said:


> I have been a member here since yesterday and have had my fair share of relationships and consider myself very experienced. However, I have learned more here in a day than I have in my 24 years in this world.


Join the club.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

It is frustrating for me when I am exposed to behavior of spouses in friends' marriages. I want to scream at them sometimes, to wake them up and show them how they're being walked on. Both male and female.

My best friend's marriage has been going terribly, and some truly awful behavior on the wife's part. He claimed the other day things are getting better, but I'm not buying it. Unfortunately, I've seen some actions on her part personally that truly upset me, and had discussions with my friend over it. 

However, I'm not responsible for how he acts (in this case, fails to act), only he is. He cannot force his wife to change, but he can stand up for himself and protect himself. I think its a mixture of denial and unwillingess to draw a line. I tried to give him a verbal bucket of cold water, not sure if it helped. Ultimately I can only be his friend and hear him vent, there came a point where I felt that continually offering advice wasn't helping. If he was ready (wonder if he ever will) to try an approach where he learns to value himself again, we might discuss things further. 

Now that I see and understand things like this, it can be frustrating and sad to see my friends suffer in unhappiness.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Whip,

For real.

I have found that a couple of hardcopy print-outs can make a world of difference.. I would recommend some of MEM's greatest hits.

Follow that up with a link.

Lead the horse to water.



Whip Morgan said:


> It is frustrating for me when I am exposed to behavior of spouses in friends' marriages. I want to scream at them sometimes, to wake them up and show them how they're being walked on. Both male and female.
> 
> My best friend's marriage has been going terribly, and some truly awful behavior on the wife's part. He claimed the other day things are getting better, but I'm not buying it. Unfortunately, I've seen some actions on her part personally that truly upset me, and had discussions with my friend over it.
> 
> ...


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

We're geographically seperated, so a hard copy is unlikely (copies via postal system not ruled out). I figured I'd email him the link to the Man Up/Nice Guy sticky thread in Mens Clubhouse. Its then up to him to read it, maybe explore the threads. 

All I have done on this board is explore various threads, then consistently followed certain posters. Whether or not he goes for it, I don't know. I can only be there when he wants to vent. Of course, I am aware that I'm only hearing his side of the story - I haven't spoken to his wife about things. While I trust him completely (including w/ my life, he is an Army friend), I can understand that the stress of marriage problems could prompt him to spin the story in his way, when venting. 

Ultimately this is his road to travel. If I can help along the way, great. Talking to him with things I've learned on this site is how I do that. He will get the link, then its up to him to go further.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> This kind of post is what it is all about.
> 
> Thank you for sharing.
> 
> I wonder even myself if I could have had access to this kind of place when I was a young man, how very beneficial it would have been!


I scanned the OP and am too exhausted to even register it. But this caught my eye and is within my ability to reply. 

Most of what I learned on boards such as these was SOOOO beyond useful to me. But as a young woman I would have had no context, no way to understand them. Time and experience have a lot to add to understanding.

So keep writing!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Whip,
> 
> For real.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you're partial to hard copy printouts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Whip Morgan said:


> We're geographically seperated, so a hard copy is unlikely (copies via postal system not ruled out). I figured I'd email him the link to the Man Up/Nice Guy sticky thread in Mens Clubhouse. Its then up to him to read it, maybe explore the threads.
> 
> All I have done on this board is explore various threads, then consistently followed certain posters. Whether or not he goes for it, I don't know. I can only be there when he wants to vent. Of course, I am aware that I'm only hearing his side of the story - I haven't spoken to his wife about things. While I trust him completely (including w/ my life, he is an Army friend), I can understand that the stress of marriage problems could prompt him to spin the story in his way, when venting.
> 
> Ultimately this is his road to travel. If I can help along the way, great. Talking to him with things I've learned on this site is how I do that. He will get the link, then its up to him to go further.


By venting, he's inviting your input.

The link would be appropriate.

Ask him if he sees himself in there.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Email w/ the link has been sent. I told him that I won't bring it up, if he reads through posts here, great. If not, his choice. I told him that it might be a little rough to read through posts and see similarities between yourself and other situations. 

Example from me: Many stories that somehow involve a spouse, in response to behavior of the other spouse, begging and pleading for a desired outcome. The BS begging a DS after discovery of an affair, lack of sex, whatever. It could apply to anything. It was hard to realize that I had tendencies that I felt were similar to stories here. I wouldn't say I was and would be a complete doormat, but enough similarity to make myself uncomfortable. Not pleasent to realize that. 

But once the lightbulb went off, I was fortunate to see the posts of individuals here that showed how wrong the begging/pleading/Nice Guy act was. I respect and value myself too much to submit in that fashion to woman who clearly not value me as a partner. 

I told my buddy in the email that if he checks this place out, he may get uncomfortable seeing aspects of himself in these threads, but that can be good to begin to change. Up to him, though.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Whip,

I've done plenty of thinking about those same concepts.

It's likely this simple: We see women through the prism of the mother that loved us.

And, now that we're capable healthy men, we want to shower our woman with attention and the finer things in life. We want her to have her leisure time and relieve stressors from her life. We want her to devote herself to the family. But, perhaps most importantly, we want her to be our friend.

Perhaps the pursuit of that friendship... of that companionship is seen by her as a child/parent type thing?

I really don't know.

What I do know is that the paragraph above describes how I have treated my partners. It hasn't worked to build a mutually satisfying relationship.

I won't be doing it again.




Whip Morgan said:


> Email w/ the link has been sent. I told him that I won't bring it up, if he reads through posts here, great. If not, his choice. I told him that it might be a little rough to read through posts and see similarities between yourself and other situations.
> 
> Example from me: Many stories that somehow involve a spouse, in response to behavior of the other spouse, begging and pleading for a desired outcome. The BS begging a DS after discovery of an affair, lack of sex, whatever. It could apply to anything. It was hard to realize that I had tendencies that I felt were similar to stories here. I wouldn't say I was and would be a complete doormat, but enough similarity to make myself uncomfortable. Not pleasent to realize that.
> 
> ...


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