# New online dating thread



## ku1980rose

I saw an old thread about online dating and it was LONG!! 

So, I thought I'd start a new thread. 

I wanted to start off with the fact that I've had some positive experiences on match. I live in a VERY rural area and it is difficult to find places to meet men. I've met some great guys online. Some weirdos as well. I have had some good relationships, but unfortunately none of them lasted forever.

I've found in my rural area that there are quite a few men that resort to online dating. People who live on farms and don't have a city close by. 

Any other good experiences? Any tips?


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## Freak On a Leash

Well, I'm sitting here drinking wine and chillin' out on a cold night so what the heck? 

I won't do the online dating thing. But I live in a metropolitan area and have a lot of options. To me, online dating is just too much work and too much like shopping for a new car or something. I'll bet soon Amazon will have an online dating site. Suprised they don't already! 

What I've done is get involved in Meetup.com but not specifically to meet someone..just to go out and have a good time. I figured that if happened to meet someone nice to go out and have a good time with then it would be icing on the cake but my primary objective it just to get out and socialize. I really enjoy the whole getting dressed up and going out scene. 

But I DID meet someone with some interesting results and posted a bit about it on the other thread..so here's the conclusion:

But I think it's an example of what NOT to do if you have expressed interest in someone else:

I met this guy right after Christmas at a Meetup.com event. We hit it off quite well and talked until everyone else left. The next night we went to another event at a bar and danced and afterwards he walked me to my car and asked if he could date me. He seemed eager to see me and even asked about the next day.

I said I'd like to date him but had plans the next day but we'd see each other a few days later at New Years and was looking forward to it. I definitely gave him the impression that I was interested. I said "Sure" and we kissed each other goodnight. First time I'd kissed another man or expressed interest in one in 25 years!

A few days later we saw each other at a New Years Party. Had a good time, danced, kissed each other when the ball dropped. He told me he wasn't sure about his schedule with his kids (he has two kids ages, 10 and 12) but would be in touch about us getting together. I said "No problem, you let me know."

Week later I texted him to say "hi". We chatted a bit and he said he wanted to see me. I replied the same thing to him. He told me he'd let me know what his schedule was after he talked to his ex. 

A few days later he emails me not to ask me out but to inform me that he will be at the same Meetup event that I signed up for that coming Saturday. :wtf: I said "Ok, see you there" but am wondering about us actually going out. 

The night of this event I get a text from him saying he's sick. I don't answer. It's not like we had an actual date or anything and sometimes the best reaction is no reaction. Ball is in his court now as far as I'm concerned. 

Almost 10 days later, on Martin Luther King Day, I got an email from him that morning asking if I want to go to a movie. I was at work and didn't read it until that evening. I replied to his email. He then says he never saw the movie and would I like to go see it this coming Saturday? He said he'd get back to me "By the end of the week about what time". 

I said "Sure"..and said that I was looking forward to it. I mentioned that I'd be away all day Friday and he should text or call if he needed an answer right away. No reply from him at all that week. 

I came home last night (Friday) at 9:30pm. No email, text or call from him at all. Checked my email this morning at 10 am and nothing from him at all. 

Then, TODAY at 11:30 am I get a text from him asking: 

"How is your day looking?". 

That's it. This is on the DAY of our supposed date, almost at noon. 

My reply was:

"Well, originally I thought I had a date with this guy but I never heard from him so I made other plans"

His reply: "Sorry I meant to get to you yesterday"

My reply: "Oh well. BYE"

What a :loser: :tool: 

What's ironic is that I don't much care about dating or meeting someone so I doubt he's going to get someone more laid back than me. Good luck to him out in the dating world cuz he's gonna need it. :rofl:


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## ku1980rose

Lol! What a jerk! Definitely doesn't get it, does he?

Well I've had some decent relationships in the past from match. But, they've ended up just like relationships when I've met men in other settings. Match has just given me a way to meet people in my rural area where there aren't places to meet up. If I lived in a city where I could go out to public places and meet people then I would probably never sign up for online dating.


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## ku1980rose

How does meetup work and has anyone else had experience with it?


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## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> Lol! What a jerk! Definitely doesn't get it, does he?
> 
> .


Nope. I don't deal with people like that in general. I have a friend like that. I enjoy her company but making plans with her is dicey because getting her to commit to anything is a real problem. If you do something with her it's almost always spur of the moment. If you do make plans, she almost always cancels so I don't see her or talk to her much. 

Definitely don't want to date that kind of guy. I'm not a "last minute" type of person. I either make plans to do something or if I decide I want to chill out and do nothing then that' what I'm into. I like to at least plan on doing something at some point. I don't want a clingey type person but this guy was waaay too "hands off", even for me. I gave him a few chances and it didn't work out so no big deal. Time to move on. 

I'll probably see him at an event again so it should be interesting. 

Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup is a website that basically lists a bunch of clubs, ranging from anything to everything in a certain geographical area. There are Meetup groups that deal with everything, from basket weaving, to kayaking to dating and socializing. You name it, it's on Meetup. It's a great way to get out and do stuff you like with people who like doing the same stuff. It's a good way to "meet up" with people too but it's not a "dating" site, per sec. To me, that's a positive aspect about it. 

Some groups are singles groups that are oriented toward dating, others are more "hobby oriented" and focus on doing something together. Depends on what you want. 

What I don't like about online dating is that it's JUST about meeting someone else. I've never been into social networking (don't even have a Facebook account) so that whole scene of posting your pics and specs and going back and forth just isn't my scene. 

I'm more into doing stuff with people and if I meet someone who I hit if off with in that context then we can take it to the next level. If not, then at least I'm out and about and having a good time. 

I def don't want to get obsessed with finding someone. Takes away from the business of going out and about and having a good time..


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## Freak On a Leash

The nice thing about Meetup too is that it's "safe". Better than going out alone and hanging out. The gatherings are all organized and posted and you can sign up or cancel whenever you want. It's free too. Plus you are usually there with other people and it's a great way to meet people in general. 

You can meet jerks too, like that one guy who wanted to "date" me but hey, that's life.


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## ku1980rose

I would like to use something like meetup. Unfortunately, there are no events where I am. Stupid, rural area!

If I do accept a date with a guy off of match, I meet at a local bar or restaurant. I haven't had too much of a problem meeting jerks because I try to do my research before hand and email and talk before I ever agree to meet. 

Hopefully within the next year I will move in with my brother. He lives in a more populated area. Maybe I"ll try meetup?

Thanks for the info.


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## COguy

ku1980rose said:


> How does meetup work and has anyone else had experience with it?


Meetup is the cat's pajamas for the newly divorced. Gave me something to do every night as I was transitioning to new activities / friends. I met some great people of both sex.


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## ku1980rose

COguy said:


> Meetup is the cat's pajamas for the newly divorced. Gave me something to do every night as I was transitioning to new activities / friends. I met some great people of both sex.


Well, I did check it out. Unfortunately there's nothing within 2 hours of me!  But that's part of living in a rural community.

Maybe if/when I move to live with my brother I'll check it out. I like the idea of a single's meetup.


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## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> I would like to use something like meetup. Unfortunately, there are no events where I am. Stupid, rural area!


Yes, that's downside of Meetup..it needs people to run it and attend so it tends to be better in populated areas. 

I'd KILL to live in a beautiful, unpopulated rural area. To be able to step outside my door and live in a place that's beautiful is one of the dreams I plan to pursue. I love the outdoors and often have to travel 2+ hours to go on a decent hike in nice scenery. I've often had to drive a lot further to really get where I want to be. 

I take off during the week so I can go places that aren't crawling with people to camp out, hike, ski, etc. I hate living in this part of the country. 

That said, I live in one of the hottest, trendiest towns in my area, lots of restaurants, nightlife, bars (even after the stupid storm this year) so here's an idea: 

We'll trade places and you can live here in my apartment but you will have to take my son. He's 15, give him his computer games and a refrigerator full of food and you'll never know he's here. 

Plus this way you'll REALLY know if you want kids because he's what babies grow into.


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## ku1980rose

Ok. Let's trade places. 

But, you have to live in my parent's basement.:smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> I like the idea of a single's meetup.


Keep in mind you can still get the same problems and situations that you do with online dating. My example above is proof of that. It does help to be able to "meet up" face to face before actually going on a date but there aren't any guarantees. I though this one guy was a pretty cool dude and turned out he was a rude dude.  But that's life in general. 

PLUS if you have a problem with someone there is a very good chance you'll see them again at another event or another Meetup group. There's a LOT of cross pollination among these groups. You'll see the same faces over and over among the various groups. 

But unlike the online situation it has a tendency to keep people civil. I love the internet but I have to admit the bad side is that it often brings out the worst in people because of it's anonymous nature. When you actually have to SEE and TALK with people and know you will see them again, most tend to watch themselves more. 

I go to these Meetup events not with the goal of finding someone to date but just to get out and meet people and have fun. That's why I like it. I've met some great people, have had a lot of fun and really enjoy myself at these events. I would say 90% of my social calendar is because of Meetup. 

But then again, I've always been a hobby/club oriented person long before I was separated from my H so I was in Meetup years ago. It seemed natural just branch out a bit as a result of being single.


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## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> Ok. Let's trade places.
> 
> But, you have to live in my parent's basement.:smthumbup:


Rent free? You got it! I'd save LOTS of money then! :smthumbup:

Now I'm curious. In what area of the country do you live?


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## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> Rent free? You got it! I'd save LOTS of money then! :smthumbup:
> 
> Now I'm curious. In what area of the country do you live?


Yep, rent free. But, it comes with the price of having your parents around all the time! 

No, it's not too bad. It's really helping me get my life back on track.

I live in the Midwest.


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## Freak On a Leash

After I broke up with my fiancee years ago I lived with my parents for a short time. It drove me nuts. I got a long well enough with my father but my mother drove me batty. It's good for saving your money. Save as much as you can!

I could easily live with my daughter. She and I get along extremely well but I tend to treat her more like an independent adult. The problem with parents is that many forget that their adult children are indeed "adults". My daughter is very mature in many ways and I guess I'm immature so we kinda meet in the middle.  

Midwest..Where it's flat? No mountains? I couldn't live there. Sorry. In this country I'm looking at northern New England or out west/northwest. Or maybe even out of the country. Sky's the limit. 

Be careful of moving to a populated area, they tend to be expensive! Double edged sword!


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## working_together

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, I'm sitting here drinking wine and chillin' out on a cold night so what the heck?
> 
> I won't do the online dating thing. But I live in a metropolitan area and have a lot of options. To me, online dating is just too much work and too much like shopping for a new car or something. I'll bet soon Amazon will have an online dating site. Suprised they don't already!
> 
> What I've done is get involved in Meetup.com but not specifically to meet someone..just to go out and have a good time. I figured that if happened to meet someone nice to go out and have a good time with then it would be icing on the cake but my primary objective it just to get out and socialize. I really enjoy the whole getting dressed up and going out scene.
> 
> But I DID meet someone with some interesting results and posted a bit about it on the other thread..so here's the conclusion:
> 
> But I think it's an example of what NOT to do if you have expressed interest in someone else:
> 
> I met this guy right after Christmas at a Meetup.com event. We hit it off quite well and talked until everyone else left. The next night we went to another event at a bar and danced and afterwards he walked me to my car and asked if he could date me. He seemed eager to see me and even asked about the next day.
> 
> I said I'd like to date him but had plans the next day but we'd see each other a few days later at New Years and was looking forward to it. I definitely gave him the impression that I was interested. I said "Sure" and we kissed each other goodnight. First time I'd kissed another man or expressed interest in one in 25 years!
> 
> A few days later we saw each other at a New Years Party. Had a good time, danced, kissed each other when the ball dropped. He told me he wasn't sure about his schedule with his kids (he has two kids ages, 10 and 12) but would be in touch about us getting together. I said "No problem, you let me know."
> 
> Week later I texted him to say "hi". We chatted a bit and he said he wanted to see me. I replied the same thing to him. He told me he'd let me know what his schedule was after he talked to his ex.
> 
> A few days later he emails me not to ask me out but to inform me that he will be at the same Meetup event that I signed up for that coming Saturday. :wtf: I said "Ok, see you there" but am wondering about us actually going out.
> 
> The night of this event I get a text from him saying he's sick. I don't answer. It's not like we had an actual date or anything and sometimes the best reaction is no reaction. Ball is in his court now as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> Almost 10 days later, on Martin Luther King Day, I got an email from him that morning asking if I want to go to a movie. I was at work and didn't read it until that evening. I replied to his email. He then says he never saw the movie and would I like to go see it this coming Saturday? He said he'd get back to me "By the end of the week about what time".
> 
> I said "Sure"..and said that I was looking forward to it. I mentioned that I'd be away all day Friday and he should text or call if he needed an answer right away. No reply from him at all that week.
> 
> I came home last night (Friday) at 9:30pm. No email, text or call from him at all. Checked my email this morning at 10 am and nothing from him at all.
> 
> Then, TODAY at 11:30 am I get a text from him asking:
> 
> "How is your day looking?".
> 
> That's it. This is on the DAY of our supposed date, almost at noon.
> 
> My reply was:
> 
> "Well, originally I thought I had a date with this guy but I never heard from him so I made other plans"
> 
> His reply: "Sorry I meant to get to you yesterday"
> 
> My reply: "Oh well. BYE"
> 
> What a :loser: :tool:
> 
> What's ironic is that I don't much care about dating or meeting someone so I doubt he's going to get someone more laid back than me. Good luck to him out in the dating world cuz he's gonna need it. :rofl:


I posted on the other thread about online dating, and mentioned that after my 24 year marriage ended, I signed up on a dating site. I met someone who was somewhat like what you describe. You know someone wants casual when it's last minute (they're horny or bored), they text or email, what the heck is wrong with phoning someone??. The guy I saw for several months would text me the night he'd want to see me and say "have you eaten yet, any dinner plans?". He had some great qualities, and I was very laid back about the whole thing like you are, but it still stung at times that it wasn't defined as a relationship, maybe I wasn't ready. I thought the same thing when I finally ended it, he's never going to find another woman who never questions the "friendship", and put up with that type of arrangement after 7 months. Ironically, he wanted to remain friends, but he's never asked me to go for coffee....lol

That guys sounds like a complete jerk. I hope you don't end up seeing him if he asks you out again. If he wants to see you, he'll ask you to go out, and keep the date, unless he's deathly sick. The guy I'm seeing travels an hour to see me, and has to pay a babysitter 10.00/hr so he doesn't have to wait two weeks to see me since he has shared custody and has his kids two weekends a month.

I think you mentioned that you were ok with having a casual relationship, but I've met a few men who just want casual relationships, and they aren't nice guys who treat women well, and most of them are effed up or emotionally unavailable.


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## Lon

ku1980rose said:


> Lol! What a jerk! Definitely doesn't get it, does he?


Just out of curiousity, Freak, what exactly did he do that was wrong? I read the post and I can't see the error of his ways - seems like you both had confirmed the date for Saturday night (just hadn't picked the exact time or show) he didn't message you Friday because he knew you were unavailable... but in my experience dating (or having dates fall through actually) Thursday would have been too soon and he would likely have come across too clingy and said something to lose you... so should it have been a couple hours earlier then?

I'm asking because I have a movie date next week (just friendly for now but I suspect there will be testing of interest) and I almost screwed it up but by communicating too soon, but thankfully she was cool, and we ended up firming up some details and she said to text Monday to decide which show (thank you lady for actually communicating!)


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## working_together

Lon, he was playing her, not giving her times or dates that were specific, who the hell has a date and says "let's meet at the meet up". I can understand the first date you meet somewhere, but she's seen the guy a couple of times at meetups or whatever, and he STILL can't make a decision, and then says he needs to speak to his ex for arrangements for his kids. Get a babysitter dude.

Women want to know the person is interested, and there's a huge difference between clingy and interested. Messaging a week before hand for a date is fine, and then a couple of days before asking if it's still on is fine. Messaging the person every day for hours, that's clingy. And emailing, a big no no in my book, I email my work people, not friends or potential dates.


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## Lon

I guess I can see why it may be frustrating that he is too preoccupied to be able to know everything to do, but for me it seems that this way of thinking makes it very difficult for the guy to ride the fine line between being interested and playing games. I'm atleast smart enough to know that emails are taboo, but then why do so many women actually prefer texting? A couple times I've called and gotten annoyed sounding response, seems so much easier to communicate via SMS (but to me SMS and email are basically the exact same frickin thing especially since everyone seems to carry smartphones nowadays). And I certainly have no clue why any of that should brand him as a jerk, maybe he just hasn't dated the 500+ other girls enough to understand how its supposed to go.


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## Freak On a Leash

working_together said:


> That guys sounds like a complete jerk. I hope you don't end up seeing him if he asks you out again. If he wants to see you, he'll ask you to go out, and keep the date, unless he's deathly sick. The guy I'm seeing travels an hour to see me, and has to pay a babysitter 10.00/hr so he doesn't have to wait two weeks to see me since he has shared custody and has his kids two weekends a month.
> 
> I think you mentioned that you were ok with having a casual relationship, but I've met a few men who just want casual relationships, and they aren't nice guys who treat women well, and most of them are effed up or emotionally unavailable.


When I say "casual" I mean that I'm not looking to get married or live with anyone again. I want to go out and have fun but I'd at least like to be taken seriously! 

When someone says they want to "date" me I assume that there will be SOME effort put in. That means setting a definite day/time at least a day or two in advance. I don't even want a phone call. I HATE talking on the phone and actually told him that texting/emailing was just fine. That wasn't a problem at all. I don't want someone calling me all the time in any case. Most times I don't even answer my phone. 

That said, this bit about emailing/texting me an hour beforehand definitely is NOT for me. I like to get SOME notice and plan for it. I don't mind spontaneity once in awhile but I'm really not a "last minute" type of person when it comes to doing things, especially when I want to go out and look nice. 

While I understand things come up and things might have to be changed or canceled, at least make an attempt to act interested in the interim! 

This guy has his kids every other weekend/2 days per week and that was fine and very workable for me. I don't want to see someone all the time, every weekend. That won't fly for me because I need room to breathe myself. 

In fact, when his first reaction to my saying "sure" when he asked to date me was "How about tomorrow?" I was taken aback because I thought he was coming on a bit too strong. We'd just seen each other the past two nights and were seeing each other few days later on New Years Eve at a party so I thought we were good at that point. I did have other plans so I was happy to put things off for a while, but a month? And then have it go off like this? No thanks. 

I don't know what his game is. He told me he's lonely and bored being single (neither of which applies to me) and wants to date someone seriously. Under his "interests" on the Meetup site he's listed "dating and relationships". LOL! :rofl: He has a strange way of showing it! My interests are "outdoors" and "socializing." If I find someone I want to date then it's just icing on the cake. 

He seemed to be a together type of guy who would be fun to hang with. I wasn't even THINKING about getting physical anytime soon. The fact that I even kissed him tells me more about myself and where I stand then about him. I considered it a good thing for myself because I wouldn't have even done that not long ago. 

Usualy I am good judge of of character. I get the impression that he's just starting to get into the game and hasn't got a clue on how to go about it. Or maybe he is a noncommital type who hasn't a clue on how to treat a woman right, which gives me an idea of why his ex might've stepped out on him. Now SHE is someone I'd like to talk to! :rofl: Just goes to show that there's 3 sides to every story. 

Just out of curiousity, I'd actually like to ask him what was in his head. I'll probably see him at an event and chances are he'll start in about being "sorry" and I might very well engage him in conversation...depends on how much I've had to drink.  I'm not going to rip into him or anything but I wouldn't mind knowing if it was just me or is he like that in general? 

In any case, I'm not big on repeating my mistake and I can assure you that I'll never go out with him. He's utter fail in my book and history. His loss because as far as I'm concerned, I'm a real catch.


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## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> Just out of curiousity, Freak, what exactly did he do that was wrong? I read the post and I can't see the error of his ways - seems like you both had confirmed the date for Saturday night (just hadn't picked the exact time or show) he didn't message you Friday because he knew you were unavailable... but in my experience dating (or having dates fall through actually) Thursday would have been too soon and he would likely have come across too clingy and said something to lose you... so should it have been a couple hours earlier then?


 We never actually said afternoon or evening. He was very short on details. He said he wanted to see "The Hobbit." I'd mentioned at one point that I had wanted to see that movie so that sounded good. It started like this:

"Maybe this weekend? I would like to see it on the big screen and it is not going to be in theaters much longer.
I got no kids this weekend so I can do almost any time if your still interested."

I said I was interested and Saturday would work for me. 

His response was:

"Cool Saturday it is.
I'll get in touch by end of the week so we can figure a theater and showing"

That's when I emailed him back:

"Sounds like a plan!  I'm looking forward to it. I'm off for the rest of the week but I'll be away Friday. I have a "dumb phone" so I can only check emails when I'm home so texting is always good."

That was on Tuesday. I figured Friday would be the day he'd get back to me but Thursday would've worked fine, not clingy at all. Usually movie theaters have their times posted well in advance so it's not like it's a big effort to figure out a time. We agreed on the movie so it was just a matter of nailing down a time and the details. He said he'd get back to me "end of the week", which I figured would be Thursday, Friday. I assumed I'd be given a LITTLE more notice than a few hours beforehand on the day of the date itself! 

I schedule appointments with people all the time in my business. Scheduling times/dates is what I do. End of the week doesn't mean an HOUR BEFORE. :slap:

I'm not his "buddy" or his sister. I'm someone he is looking to take out on a "date". Call me old fashioned but if you want to date a woman then you treat her like one. That means you set up a particular day and time and give some notice, not throw it up at her last minute. 

And the way he did it: "How your day looking?" Seriously? :rofl:

I thought my response was damn near perfect. 




> I'm asking because I have a movie date next week (just friendly for now but I suspect there will be testing of interest) and I almost screwed it up but by communicating too soon, but thankfully she was cool, and we ended up firming up some details and she said to text Monday to decide which show (thank you lady for actually communicating!)


So are you going to text her at noon the day of the date and say "How is your day looking?" If you do, I can assure you that the response will be less than enthusiastic. I'm sure she appreciated that you showed interest.

There is no "too soon"..just too much. I don't want someone to text me 20 times a day but to be treated as an afterthought is downright insulting.


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## Lon

How does him asking you about supper tomorrow come across as too strong? How come a man and a woman's itineraries determine the interest level? How come there has to be harm in asking? For me, I tend to be busy and preoccupied when I'm parenting, and I may not be very good at timely replies, so any time I've even been out on my own time, socializing, and being in a position to even initiate a date I've only got a few days to make it happen, otherwise you are waiting a week, so by presuming that the timeliness is in indication of interest you are not basing his actual interest level in you. And of course as much game playing as you suspect he is doing only matches the level of game playing you are doing.

If there is mutual interest and a guy asks you for supper the next evening, assuming you are available why is this a big deal? He was probably asking because if he's like me the window of opportunity is only open for a couple hours 2 days from now, because that is the regulation you are setting up. You are putting up a hoop for him to jump though and using his willingness or capability to jump through it as an initial fitness test, meanwhile he is probably just trying to be honest and innoffensive because he keeps losing the game to the experienced players.

I'm probably projecting a lot here though


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## Lon

Freak On a Leash said:


> So are you going to text her at noon the day of the date and say "How is your day looking?" If you do, I can assure you that the response will be less than enthusiastic. I'm sure she appreciated that you showed interest.
> 
> * There is no "too soon"..just too much.* I don't want someone to text me 20 times a day but to be treated as an afterthought is downright insulting.


this is golden! And no I will call her Monday night like we agreed/she instructed lol (she is coming off night shifts and said she sleeps all day monday and is up for a bit before going to bed)

Yes calling you an hour before when you hadn't already decided on matinee vs evening is definitely afterthought thinking. Something I'd probably end up doing when I'm busy though


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## Freak On a Leash

working_together said:


> Lon, he was playing her, not giving her times or dates that were specific, who the hell has a date and says "let's meet at the meet up". I can understand the first date you meet somewhere, but she's seen the guy a couple of times at meetups or whatever, and he STILL can't make a decision, and then says he needs to speak to his ex for arrangements for his kids. Get a babysitter dude.


I don't think he was playing me. I think it may be his style. He did the same thing this past Monday on MLK Day. He was off work and emailed a few hours in advance out of nowhere about seeing a movie. That was fine because when I responded and said I working he said he'd like to go over the weekend and we took it from there. No problem or issues at all. 

He doesn't have to fork out money for a sitter. Getting a sitter isn't easy..I know that because I have kids of my own. Usually he has his kids every other weekend and I assume he wants to spend time with them when he has them and he should. The reason he had to talk to his ex is because for 2 weekends they were splitting up the days (one day he'd have them, one day she would) and he didn't know which day he'd be free. It was fine with me to wait and see what his schedule was. I told him that. 

I was always cool with him working around the weekends he was free. I always made that abundantly clear. I told him to let me know when it was good for him for us to get together. My kids are independent. My 15 year old son is fine being left alone so my situation is different and more flexible. Not a problem.

I saw him at Meetup.com events. That was just fine. What flummoxed me is that he wanted to take it to the next level and mentioned at one point that he'd like to see me again. He'd specifically ASKED to date me and then when he had a free night instead of asking me out instead said he'd see me at a Meetup event that I'd signed up for. He never asked me out on a date. Going to the same Meetup event isn't a date. It's just being at the same place at the same time. 

As it turned out he got sick and did let me know that he wouldn't be there, which was fine but I was still wondering about this guy who SAID he wanted to date me and then SAID that he wanted to see me again soon but didn't seem to want to ante up. :wtf:

So I was getting mixed signals as it was. By the time I did hear from him about this movie I was pretty much done. I'm not into chasing people down. If they want to see me then I'm in but I don't beg anyone to spend time with me. I've been there, done that with my husband. No more. 



> *Women want to know the person is interested, and there's a huge difference between clingy and interested. * Messaging a week before hand for a date is fine, and then a couple of days before asking if it's still on is fine. Messaging the person every day for hours, that's clingy. And emailing, a big no no in my book, I email my work people, not friends or potential dates.


I have NO problems with emails or texts at all. I talk on the phone with customers all day on the phone and in general I'm not a "phone" person. Even with my friends I prefer to email or text. Heck, I almost always text my daughter! IMO texting/email are the best inventions ever! 

People tend to call when I'm busy or not in the mood to talk and unfortunately I'm not too good at "covering up" when I talk. It's very easy for me to sound irritated or say the wrong thing when on the phone. When I get an email or text I can mull it over and respond on my own time, in my own way. I almost never answer the phone but will wait until someone leaves me a message on voicemail and THEN call them back. 

Things like voicemail, Caller ID, emails, texting..these are things I couldn't imagine living without. Some think it rude to do these things and I can see how that would be frustrating as hell for many people. I told this guy from the get-go that I'm not a phone person and that I prefer emails/texting. I'm very good at communicating to people what I like/dislike. No issues there. 

But even in this day and age there are still standards of behavior. If someone takes the initiative and expresses an interest in dating me I expect to be treated as a _priority_, not put on the back burner and "gotten to". I do expect some interest to be shown. HOW it's shown isn't the issue but it DOES have to be demonstrated in a timely and respectful manner. Keeping me waiting until the last minute is NOT timely or respectful. It's downright rude.


----------



## Lon

See just reading the dialog it is clear even women have different expectations, the problem I see is when they expect others, especially guys, to intrinsicly know this without taking an active part in communicating or before actually getting to know them better.


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## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> How does him asking you about supper tomorrow come across as too strong?


In itself it wasn't too strong but we HAD just seen each other the past two nights and were seeing each other a few days later at a party. Here it is midnight and he wants to see me the very next day? Whoa..take a breather! 

And I guess I don't like being put on the spot. It was a bit much right away. I just like being given some notice. That's how I operate. I'm just not good at last minute stuff thrown at me. And I had plans. I tend to make plans to do things. It's how I roll. 



> How come there has to be harm in asking?


There was absolutely no harm in asking. I liked it better than being blown off. But if you ask me with little or no notice then be prepared to hear "no" cuz chances are I've already got something going on. 



> For me, I tend to be busy and preoccupied when I'm parenting, and I may not be very good at timely replies, so any time I've even been out on my own time, socializing, and being in a position to even initiate a date I've only got a few days to make it happen, otherwise you are waiting a week, so by presuming that the timeliness is in indication of interest you are not basing his actual interest level in you.


A few days is fine. A week is fine. But 3 weeks? After awhile I start to forget what you look like...



> If there is mutual interest and a guy asks you for supper the next evening, assuming you are available why is this a big deal?


It isn't but again, I had plans and we'd JUST seen each other the past two days and were seeing each other a few days later. I don't like spending that much time with anyone, especially someone I don't even know. He asked and I politely declined. I DID have plans at that point. It wasn't a lie. 

Plus, I find when there is a break I look forward to seeing someone but this guy seemed to be all over the place. First it's "lets see each other tomorrow". Then it's nothing for almost a month? There HAS to be some middle ground!

Plus, if you are the type who has to do stuff last minute then the chances that it won't happen are greater, at least in my book. 




> He was probably asking because if he's like me the window of opportunity is only open for a couple hours 2 days from now, because that is the regulation you are setting up. You are putting up a hoop for him to jump though and using his willingness or capability to jump through it as an initial fitness test, meanwhile he is probably just trying to be honest and innoffensive because he keeps losing the game to the experienced players.


I don't think it was about being honest or inoffensive. He never gave me any kind of explanation. He just said "Sorry, I meant to get to you yesterday." Nice.  Personally I think he's plain clueless. 

2 days from now is just fine. I have no problems with that. But to ask at midnight about the next day? Or to email a few hours in advance? Well..fine, if that's how you want to play it but again, chances are I will be doing something else. 

So if you REALLY want to date someone then put the effort in or don't do it at all. I can understand that too. But don't be taking up my time and telling me you are going to do something and then wait til the very last minute to firm things up. That's not putting up a hoop to jump through as a "test", it's being considerate and respectful. 

I don't play games. That's one thing my husband has always said and still says about me and one of the things that he always said he liked about me. I don't pull mind games and crap. That is not me at all. I call it as I see it. I'm a straight shooter. If you want to go out with me, then fine. It's all good, but don't yank my chain. Do it or don't do it. It's pretty cut and dry. 

I gotta say, I was about as laid back and accomodating as they came. I told him, "Whenever it's good for you, let me know". But "letting me know" doesn't translate into "letting me know at the very last minute". There's a difference here. 

Glad to be getting feedback on this. It's interesting and informative.  I find all this to be fascinating.


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## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> See just reading the dialog it is clear even women have different expectations, the problem I see is when they expect others, especially guys, to intrinsicly know this without taking an active part in communicating or before actually getting to know them better.


I don't think this was about communicating. If anything, HIS communication skills sucked. If he was a customer of mine I wouldn't deal with him anymore. I don't like having my time wasted. IMO, it's about simple rules of behavior. His rules are obviously different than mine. I'm not going to wait around to see if he changes his rules so we're done. 

I can't imagine any woman wanting to be treated like this. His ex had an affair on him and asked for the divorce and he seems a bit clueless as to why it all happened. If he treated her this way throughout the marraige I can see why. No one, whether it be some woman you just met or your wife, wants to be treated like they are at the bottom of the list. It's just human nature.


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## Lon

I appreciate the feedback too... As for asking for date on short notice, I certainly don't mind a "no" or an "i got other plans" just I would hate that to carry over to me, being seen as a jerk, or needy even.


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## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> I appreciate the feedback too... As for asking for date on short notice, I certainly don't mind a "no" or an "i got other plans" just I would hate that to carry over to me, being seen as a jerk, or needy even.


Nope, you wouldn't be seen as needy or clinging. I never thought of him that way. I was flattered by his interest and politely declined and explained that I had other plans..and I did have other plans. 

It was when I accepted his offer to go out and was *kept waiting until the very last minute* to find out what was going on that I got pissed off. 

That showed a LACK of interest and yes, he came off as a jerk.

As far as I'm concerned, if you show interest and take the initiative, especially AFTER I've accepted the offer of a date with you, then it's all good. I'm not hard to please, just don't treat me like an afterthought.


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## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> this is golden! And no I will call her Monday night like we agreed/she instructed lol (she is coming off night shifts and said she sleeps all day monday and is up for a bit before going to bed)


:smthumbup: Sounds like a plan. To me, you are both communicating well.  Good luck and have fun!


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## Dedicated2Her

working_together said:


> I posted on the other thread about online dating, and mentioned that after my 24 year marriage ended, I signed up on a dating site. I met someone who was somewhat like what you describe. You know someone wants casual when it's last minute (they're horny or bored), they text or email, what the heck is wrong with phoning someone??. The guy I saw for several months would text me the night he'd want to see me and say "have you eaten yet, any dinner plans?". He had some great qualities, and I was very laid back about the whole thing like you are, but it still stung at times that it wasn't defined as a relationship, maybe I wasn't ready. I thought the same thing when I finally ended it, he's never going to find another woman who never questions the "friendship", and put up with that type of arrangement after 7 months. Ironically, he wanted to remain friends, but he's never asked me to go for coffee....lol
> 
> That guys sounds like a complete jerk. I hope you don't end up seeing him if he asks you out again. If he wants to see you, he'll ask you to go out, and keep the date, unless he's deathly sick. The guy I'm seeing travels an hour to see me, and has to pay a babysitter 10.00/hr so he doesn't have to wait two weeks to see me since he has shared custody and has his kids two weekends a month.
> 
> I think you mentioned that you were ok with having a casual relationship, but I've met a few men who just want casual relationships, and they aren't nice guys who treat women well, and most of them are effed up or emotionally unavailable.


So the guy you are seeing gives up part of his "kid" weekend, gets a babysitter to come see you? That doesn't concern you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't think this was about communicating. If anything, HIS communication skills sucked. If he was a customer of mine I wouldn't deal with him anymore. I don't like having my time wasted. IMO, it's about simple rules of behavior. His rules are obviously different than mine. I'm not going to wait around to see if he changes his rules so we're done.
> 
> I can't imagine any woman wanting to be treated like this. His ex had an affair on him and asked for the divorce and he seems a bit clueless as to why it all happened. If he treated her this way throughout the marraige I can see why. No one, whether it be some woman you just met or your wife, wants to be treated like they are at the bottom of the list. It's just human nature.


This is my ex. No communication skills. Unfortunately, I did not figure this out until after the marriage. His ex also had an affair. She divorced him. And he still is clueless as to why it happened. I think he's clueless as to why it happened again (although I didn't have an affair.) Sometimes, there's a reason why people are single - man or woman. In this guys case, I think his communication skills do need a bit of work.


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## Dedicated2Her

ku1980rose said:


> This is my ex. No communication skills. Unfortunately, I did not figure this out until after the marriage. His ex also had an affair. She divorced him. And he still is clueless as to why it happened. I think he's clueless as to why it happened again (although I didn't have an affair.) Sometimes, there's a reason why people are single - man or woman. In this guys case, I think his communication skills do need a bit of work.


I agree here, rose. I am dating a couple of different people. I have two dates next week. All of the at specific times/place.....of course, I handle my appointments at work like that so I couldn't imagine leaving things so open ended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

Dedicated2Her said:


> I have two dates next week. All of the at specific times/place.....of course, I handle my appointments at work like that so I couldn't imagine leaving things so open ended.


I like that attitude. :smthumbup: When I'm working I make an appointment to do a job weeks in advance. The day before I call or text my customer to confirm the appointment. I started doing this because many people simply forget and that's when I lose money. 

I guess I could do this with dates too but as I see it, if a guy really really wants to see me and asks to take me out then it's on him. Just like if I want to work and make money so it's on me when it comes to my job and customers. 

Now, had I made the first move and asked someone out I would've called/confirmed the date the day before at the very latest. I would've discussed time and place and on the day of I would've texted to let him know that I'm headed out if we were meeting someplace. 

I do this with friends too. Yesterday my friend invited me out to dinner. She told me where and I said I'd pick her up at her house at a certain time. Done. No fuss, no muss. At least I know what to expect and my time isn't wasted or held up wondering what's going on

If you are consistently a last minute type of person it simply won't work for me. Customers who don't keep their appointments don't last with me and friends like that I don't see often.

Dates/Boyfriends need not apply because I like to be taken more seriously than that when I get emotionally involved. In order for me to date someone there IS a degree of emotional commitment, otherwise...

*That's the signpost up ahead, your next stop is...

....The FRIEND ZONE*


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## Freak On a Leash

Dedicated2Her said:


> So the guy you are seeing gives up part of his "kid" weekend, gets a babysitter to come see you? That doesn't concern you?


I wouldn't expect that of someone with joint custody. Seeing someone every 2 weeks is good by me, as long as I know when/what to expect and can plan for it. This guy sees his kids every other weekend and 2 days/week. I'd assume that if I were dating someone who has that situation that those days are simply off limits and we'd work around it.

I'd never expect or demand that someone put me before their kids. In fact, they shouldn't. I know I wouldn't put anyone before my kids. 

Being a parent should be the first priority. That was def not the issue here at all. 

Sorry Rose about derailing your thread. I think this has morphed into more of a "dating" thread rather than "online" dating but IMO it's all relevant. I've been out of this game for over 25 years and didn't date much even before I was married so I'm curious as to how things work, what people's expectations are, etc. I think a lot of divorced, newly single people are in this situation. 

This forum used to have a dating section. I wonder why they got rid of it? :scratchhead:


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## Dedicated2Her

Freak On a Leash said:


> I wouldn't expect that of someone with joint custody. Seeing someone every 2 weeks is good by me, as long as I know when/what to expect and can plan for it. This guy sees his kids every other weekend and 2 days/week. I'd assume that if I were dating someone who has that situation that those days are simply off limits and we'd work around it.
> 
> I'd never expect or demand that someone put me before their kids. In fact, they shouldn't. I know I wouldn't put anyone before my kids.
> 
> Being a parent should be the first priority. That was def not the issue here at all.
> 
> Sorry Rose about derailing your thread. I think this has morphed into more of a "dating" thread rather than "online" dating but IMO it's all relevant. I've been out of this game for over 25 years and didn't date much even before I was married so I'm curious as to how things work, what people's expectations are, etc. I think a lot of divorced, newly single people are in this situation.
> 
> This forum used to have a dating section. I wonder why they got rid of it? :scratchhead:


I hear you. I wass just responding to workingtogether's post.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

Dedicated2Her said:


> I hear you. I was just responding to workingtogether's post.....


I know. I was just agreeing with you.


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## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> Sorry Rose about derailing your thread. I think this has morphed into more of a "dating" thread rather than "online" dating but IMO it's all relevant. I've been out of this game for over 25 years and didn't date much even before I was married so I'm curious as to how things work, what people's expectations are, etc. I think a lot of divorced, newly single people are in this situation.
> 
> This forum used to have a dating section. I wonder why they got rid of it? :scratchhead:


No problem. I'm enjoying the conversations. I just started an online dating thread because that is where I'm at right now (being in such a rural area.)

I think they should have a dating thread. I know it is Talk About Marriage, but there are lots of people on here who need advice on dating after a divorce. 

Anyone know of any similar forums to discuss dating? Especially discussing dating in your 30s and beyond.


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## Freak On a Leash

They used to have a forum dedicated to dating when I first joined. I wonder where it went? :scratchhead:

I've gone to this forum and they have one that specifically about dating. It's a lot like this forum. I don't post there, just lurk. 

LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## ku1980rose

Thanks. I'll look into it. 

Back into the world of dating I go.

Actually was dating a guy right after I left my marriage. 

It's been fun, but he decided that he didn't want to continue the relationship.

So, now it's back to feeling lonely. Glad it took my mind off of that for a while.


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## Freak On a Leash

Go have fun on your own. Join clubs, get hobbies and learn to enjoy your own company. 

Try out the online dating thing but don't make it the focus of your life. Let it be icing on the cake..not the cake itself. 

I went out tonight with my friends to celebrate my friend's birthday. We had a lot of GREAT stories about dating. One thing about dating is that there is a lot of good subject matter to talk about when you go out with friends.


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## Lon

ku1980rose said:


> No problem. I'm enjoying the conversations. I just started an online dating thread because that is where I'm at right now (being in such a rural area.)
> 
> I think they should have a dating thread. I know it is Talk About Marriage, but there are lots of people on here who need advice on dating after a divorce.
> 
> Anyone know of any similar forums to discuss dating? Especially discussing dating in your 30s and beyond.


I don't know about the other dating sites but POF has a pretty active Forum, and a lot of people go there to talk about such things.


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## working_together

Dedicated2Her said:


> So the guy you are seeing gives up part of his "kid" weekend, gets a babysitter to come see you? That doesn't concern you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has a shared custody agreement 50/50 arrangement, and so he has them two weekends out of the month. So, on that particular time, we hadn't seen each other for a week, he lives an hour a way, it's not like I can meet him for a coffee. So, he had the babysitter (his niece btw), come over at 5:30, and put the kids to bed, he was with them all day. I have my kids all week, and my ex has them from Friday-Sun. at noon. It makes it difficult to see each other sometimes, and I don't plan on introducing my kids to him or vice versa at this point.

I'm not worried about the way he treats his kids, everyone needs a few hours once in a while, this was a one time thing, we usually only see each other every second weekend.

When you're a single parent you're constantly "on" with no breaks, so yeah, a little time off is good once in a while, I need me time, and so does everyone else, if I don't take care of myself, how do I take care of my kids.

I would never expect someone to put me ahead of their kids. I've been on several one time dates, and I have a good friend who got bummed out by guys playing games, not calling etc. I'm a bit sensitive to this area I guess, I need the person to show interest, I'm not looking to get married any time soon, and I don't want cllingy people in my life, just respectful. I guess I was using my dating life situation as an example of how a man should show he's interested in a woman.

sheesh, I came accross as a bit defensive, meh, mommy guilt.


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## working_together

Lon said:


> I don't know about the other dating sites but POF has a pretty active Forum, and a lot of people go there to talk about such things.


I read their forums, they can be informative, and funny. I learned a lot from reading there. The one thing that always stood out was the "waiting for something better to come along".


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## Dedicated2Her

> He has a shared custody agreement 50/50 arrangement, and so he has them two weekends out of the month. So, on that particular time, we hadn't seen each other for a week, he lives an hour a way, it's not like I can meet him for a coffee. So, he had the babysitter (his niece btw), come over at 5:30, and put the kids to bed, he was with them all day. I have my kids all week, and my ex has them from Friday-Sun. at noon. It makes it difficult to see each other sometimes, and I don't plan on introducing my kids to him or vice versa at this point.
> 
> I'm not worried about the way he treats his kids, everyone needs a few hours once in a while, this was a one time thing, we usually only see each other every second weekend.
> 
> When you're a single parent you're constantly "on" with no breaks, so yeah, a little time off is good once in a while, I need me time, and so does everyone else, if I don't take care of myself, how do I take care of my kids.
> 
> I would never expect someone to put me ahead of their kids. I've been on several one time dates, and I have a good friend who got bummed out by guys playing games, not calling etc. I'm a bit sensitive to this area I guess, I need the person to show interest, I'm not looking to get married any time soon, and I don't want cllingy people in my life, just respectful. I guess I was using my dating life situation as an example of how a man should show he's interested in a woman.
> 
> sheesh, I came accross as a bit defensive, meh, mommy guilt.


Don't take it wrong. You are correct about you needing a break, however, he is not in that senario. I can tell you it gets hard to schedule things with kids, but that is exactly why a father in this senario has to be very calculating and demonstrative with his time. Unless there is a serious dating relationship going on working towards marriage, kids time is precious and can never be returned. I have to remind myself of this truth all the time.


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## NoWhere

ku1980rose said:


> I would like to use something like meetup. Unfortunately, there are no events where I am. Stupid, rural area!.


I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat. Meetup would be perfect for me as I'm kind of leery about the online dating thing, but the only group that meets is a bunch of people all 20 years younger then me. 

Wish we had speed dating events or something in my area. I'd be interested in that.


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## Freak On a Leash

working_together said:


> When you're a single parent you're constantly "on" with no breaks, so yeah, a little time off is good once in a while, I need me time, and so does everyone else, if I don't take care of myself, how do I take care of my kids.
> 
> I would never expect someone to put me ahead of their kids. I've been on several one time dates, and I have a good friend who got bummed out by guys playing games, not calling etc. I'm a bit sensitive to this area I guess, I need the person to show interest, I'm not looking to get married any time soon, and I don't want cllingy people in my life, just respectful. I guess I was using my dating life situation as an example of how a man should show he's interested in a woman.


:iagree: You need a break from the kids. I know I do! It was great that my STBXH was able to take my son for much of this weekend. It's good for my son, his father and for me! I'm hoping he'll do more of this. I need my "alone" time. Even if it's just to sit and listen to my music and chill out. Doesn't make me a bad mom..just human. 

This whole dating thing...I've been mulling that over. I think it worked out for the best that the one guy and I didn't get together. Last night I went out with my friends to celebrate my friends' birthday. We had a GREAT time. I have lot of plans for this coming weekend (going out with a girlfriend one night, pot luck dinner on Saturday, Superbowl Sunday).

Same with the weekend after THAT. And I want to get some more skiing in before it warms up for good. Then it's time for hiking/kayaking. 

I don't have time for dating. It's too aggravating anyway dealing with the crap. Why bother when I'm having fun without it? I'm not lonely. I'm not bored. So why bother? :scratchhead:


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## angelpixie

We have Meetup here, but without fail 95% of the events are on nights when I have DS. I might try something this Friday, as I saw there's a group scheduled for our monthly gallery walk. 

I did go on a river tubing trip this summer that was a Meetup group, and that was fun. It's not the kind of activity where there's necessarily a lot of conversation, as everyone's on separate tubes bobbing along the river, lol. But it was good to just see how they did things.

Online dating has been a total bust for me, and the activities I've been involved with are either fairly female-centric, or not the kinds of things that lead to dating opportunities. I'm learning to do things on my own, and I've gotten to be OK with that. But I do miss that male counterpart. Oh well. I'm not going to chase it, but I'll keep myself open to it.


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## Freak On a Leash

NoWhere said:


> Wish we had speed dating events or something in my area. I'd be interested in that.


Speed dating..:rofl: Is that like "Tag, Your IT!!" ??? :wtf: That's the funniest concept...


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## Freak On a Leash

angelpixie said:


> We have Meetup here, but without fail 95% of the events are on nights when I have DS. I might try something this Friday, as I saw there's a group scheduled for our monthly gallery walk.


One thing about where I live..There is a Meetup for EVERYTHING on EVERY DAY and NIGHT of the week. It's amazing! I actually have to tell myself to slow down and just stay home and relax or I'll burn out. 

Nice to have options. 

I did the river tubing too once with a Meetup. I had fun. I belong to 3 kayaking Meetup groups so I'm always going down some river someplace during that season and we have a blast.. Most of my good friends are people I've met from the kayaking Meetup groups and now I see them socially as well.


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## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> One thing about where I live..There is a Meetup for EVERYTHING on EVERY DAY and NIGHT of the week. It's amazing! I actually have to tell myself to slow down and just stay home and relax or I'll burn out.
> 
> Nice to have options.
> 
> I did the river tubing too once with a Meetup. I had fun. I belong to 3 kayaking Meetup groups so I'm always going down some river someplace during that season and we have a blast.. Most of my good friends are people I've met from the kayaking Meetup groups and now I see them socially as well.


This sounds like fun. I definitely need to get moved somewhere where I have those options. I don't really have anything here. Not many people my age either and all of my high school friends are gone from here. I've been away pretty much since high school, too, so no friends left around here. :-(

I love living in a rural area, out in the country, but I find myself wishing I was in a more populated area, too. Maybe just for a while. I'm 32. It's time to make some changes in my life.


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## angelpixie

Rose, there's nothing like going through this type of upheaval to make you look at your options and what you really want for your life. You're young, you don't have to consider a spouse and his/her job, you don't have kids (right?), so you don't have to worry about uprooting them from friends or school -- I actually kind of envy the choices ahead of you. 

Take some time soon, and start making lists of things you like to do, weather you prefer to live in, type of environment you'd like to live in (urban, suburban, semi-rural, rural, etc.). Then sit down and start searching for places that fit those requirements. It might give you some new avenues for setting up your new life. Online dating may be the last thing you'll have to worry about. 

Sounds pretty exciting to me!! :smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash

:iagree: I second Angelpixie's advice. I don't "kinda" envy..I REALLY, TOTALLY envy you! You are young and not tied down. NOW is the time to do the things you want to do, pursue your dreams! Think outside the box! 

In a few years I hope to be in the same situation. I'm considering a lot of options. Might even go overseas or something. I want to do the things I didn't have the guts to do back in my 20s, when I was single and free. 

It''ll be 30 years later but I feel the same as I did then but emotionally I'm in a LOT better place. Back then I was stupid and young and came off a failed relationship and dove right into another failed relationship that took 24 years to get out of. My biggest regret is that I did just that. 

. Don't waste this opportunity! Don't look for another guy to settle down with. Go out and live and explore and be your OWN person. Do it!


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## working_together

I would love to check out a meet up group, but I don't want to seem like I'm there to meet men, for me it would be to meet other women in my situation....divorced with young kids. My friends either don't have kids,or have older kids. My good friend moved out west last summer, she had kids my kid's age. I miss her.

I'm usually very outgoing, but when it comes to doing things on my own, I'm a bit hesitant to just show up and introduce myself. And how do I know it's the meet up group at the activity?? I wish they'd put up a sign or something. There are tons of groups where I live, but not a whole lot of single parents groups. Meh, I should just take the chance.


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## Freak On a Leash

working_together said:


> I would love to check out a meet up group, but I don't want to seem like I'm there to meet men, for me it would be to meet other women in my situation....divorced with young kids. My friends either don't have kids,or have older kids. My good friend moved out west last summer, she had kids my kid's age. I miss her.
> 
> I'm usually very outgoing, but when it comes to doing things on my own, I'm a bit hesitant to just show up and introduce myself. And how do I know it's the meet up group at the activity?? I wish they'd put up a sign or something. There are tons of groups where I live, but not a whole lot of single parents groups. Meh, I should just take the chance.


Nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup

There are Meetup groups for EVERYTHING. I started out joining a kayaking Meetup. There are hiking meetups, dog walking meetups, getting together with your kids meetups...You name it, they got it! I am sure they have meetups that fit what you are looking for. In fact, I've seen them. 

This NOT online dating. There are groups out there specifically for finding a date but there are just as many, if not more, for everything else. You need to put your interests in, where you live and go for it.

As for going yourself..That depends on the Organizer. Many do go out of their way to give out name tags and have signs and balloons indicating who is who. At a lot of events the group will have the entire place booked. That's the case this Sunday with the Super Bowl party I'm going to. The entire restaurant/bar is booked for our group. That way if you go everyone there has signed up and in the group. 

Often there will be a "meetup" place that's put on the page where the information is and where you sign up. Don't be intimidated because there are a LOT of people like yourself who are new at this or shy. 

So do a little homework. I'm sure you'll come up with something. It's tough being divorced with young children so I can understand you wanting to socialize with people in the same situation as you. Good luck!


----------



## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
> 
> Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup
> 
> There are Meetup groups for EVERYTHING. I started out joining a kayaking Meetup. There are hiking meetups, dog walking meetups, getting together with your kids meetups...You name it, they got it! I am sure they have meetups that fit what you are looking for. In fact, I've seen them.
> 
> This NOT online dating. There are groups out there specifically for finding a date but there are just as many, if not more, for everything else. You need to put your interests in, where you live and go for it.
> 
> As for going yourself..That depends on the Organizer. Many do go out of their way to give out name tags and have signs and balloons indicating who is who. At a lot of events the group will have the entire place booked. That's the case this Sunday with the Super Bowl party I'm going to. The entire restaurant/bar is booked for our group. That way if you go everyone there has signed up and in the group.
> 
> Often there will be a "meetup" place that's put on the page where the information is and where you sign up. Don't be intimidated because there are a LOT of people like yourself who are new at this or shy.
> 
> So do a little homework. I'm sure you'll come up with something. It's tough being divorced with young children so I can understand you wanting to socialize with people in the same situation as you. Good luck!


I'm jealous now. These meet up groups would be so great for me. A great way to get myself out there and be around people. And would be fun for super bowl this Sunday. 

There aren't any groups around here. Sometimes it is terribly lonely here. Tiny town of 300 people. Yikes! Hopefully can move somewhere else this next year.

When I lived in a little bigger town I would go to one of the local sports bars to watch basketball games pretty often. I would go by myself just to socialize with others there watching the game. It helped my loneliness.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Just went to my FIRST meetup.com meeting today! It was a group for people who want to practice speaking French. I was totally pathetic (as I knew I would be) and I had a WONDERFUL time!

Really friendly, accepting people who were happy to meet me and talk to me in French OR English!

I'm sorry you're so rural, ku1980rose! I moved from small-town midwest back to my hometown (suburban Detroit). I am enjoying ALL the things available here that I haven't had available in years!

Hope YOU can find a great place to move within the next 12 months, too!

*hugs*


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## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> There aren't any groups around here. Sometimes it is terribly lonely here. Tiny town of 300 people. Yikes! Hopefully can move somewhere else this next year.
> 
> When I lived in a little bigger town I would go to one of the local sports bars to watch basketball games pretty often. I would go by myself just to socialize with others there watching the game. It helped my loneliness.


300 people. Wow. I think there are more than that in my entire apartment complex. :rofl: I know there are 12,000 people or so in my town. 

Rose, going to sports bars alone isn't a good way for a young women to get out and about. Unless you want to get picked up by the wrong type of person. 

I went to a sports bar for a "Meet and Greet" with one of my meetup groups with my girlfriend. I didn't know it was a sports bar. The way it was described was as a bar/restaurant that was "casual/dressy" and there was supposed to be dancing there @10pm. So I got all dressed up in my funkiest outfit and had my hair (which is two toned) all spiked up. 

This idiot came up to me as I was standing there with 2 other woman and asked:

"Can I touch your hair?"

I said: "What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 

He repeated it, which is amazing given the way I was glaring at him and I replied:

"Only if you want me to break your arm."

He then looked shocked and said: "Are you kidding?"

I said: "Do I LOOK like I am kidding?"

He then slunk back to his corner of the room. He wasn't even WITH our group. He was just some guy who was either totally clueless or a jacka*ss. 

My point is unless you are prepared to respond like that and follow through do not go to bars alone. Not a good idea. 

Needless to say I won't go to that place again. The sushi (sushi at a sports bar? :scratchhead was good but the atmosphere was horrible. The bar was blasting this hockey game at full volume, you couldn't meet or greet anyone because it was so loud. Worst meetup event I'd ever been to. My friend and I ate our sushi, picked up a bottle of wine and went back to her place to hang out.


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## Freak On a Leash

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Just went to my FIRST meetup.com meeting today! It was a group for people who want to practice speaking French. I was totally pathetic (as I knew I would be) and I had a WONDERFUL time!
> 
> Really friendly, accepting people who were happy to meet me and talk to me in French OR English!


:smthumbup:I have found that to be the case with most of the Meetups I went to. Occasionally you get the cliquey bunch but that's rare. 

Only with the hiking meetups did it not work out. I just like to hike at a different pace. I like to stop and look around, read my book and relax. A lot of the people in the hiking groups acted like they are on a forced march or a race. Not fun. So I hike alone and prefer it that way. 

But for the most part they work out great for me. It helps that I am very outgoing and will talk to anyone but I can handle myself with people. Helps that I've been in a service business for over 25 years. 

There's an incredible variety in Meetup groups. Some of the stuff on my calendar in the next few weeks is:

50th birthday party for one of the organizers.

Super Bowl Sunday Party

Wine and chocolate tasting

Wine bar happy hour with proceeds going to charity

In the summer it gets expanded to kayaking, camping. Last year I went on two camping/kayaking trips with a meetup and many kayaking trips.


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## Dedicated2Her

> This idiot came up to me as I was standing there with 2 other woman and asked:
> 
> "Can I touch your hair?"
> 
> I said: "What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
> 
> He repeated it, which is amazing given the way I was glaring at him and I replied:
> 
> "Only if you want me to break your arm."
> 
> He then looked shocked and said: "Are you kidding?"
> 
> I said: "Do I LOOK like I am kidding?"
> 
> He then slunk back to his corner of the room. He wasn't even WITH our group. He was just some guy who was either totally clueless or a jacka*ss.


I think he probably thought you were cute, and he was trying to figure out some way to talk to you. I have had girls act like that in that similar senario. You go back to were you came from and go "Whew, I'm glad she showed me her true colors before I spent any time with her." Just how guys think. For me, I have met girls at a bar, but none of them have turned into dating relationships, just friends.


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## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> 3
> Rose, going to sports bars alone isn't a good way for a young women to get out and about. Unless you want to get picked up by the wrong type of person.


The place I go to I've been going to for years. It's not a dingy, dark place. It's a nice restaurant and I know a lot of the people there. Kind of like a "Cheers" atmosphere.


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## SingleInTx

Another alternate to online dating that I've made a lot of friends and had a couple of dates through- (Insert your city) Sports & Social Club type leagues- you are placed on a team with random people at about your skill level and it's a beer drinking socializing good time while playing a competitive sport- volleyball, bowling, kickball, you name it. I've had fun and discovered that I'm actually pretty good at volleyball and now I play in 2 leagues year-round when I have the time, and I'm constantly meeting new people!


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## Freak On a Leash

Dedicated2Her said:


> You go back to were you came from and go "Whew, I'm glad she showed me her true colors before I spent any time with her."


It was a totally inapproriate way to act towards a woman and I hope he learned a lesson. As far as I'm concerned he was an idiot. Learn some manners! IF he had thought I was cute and liked my hair he would've gotten a far better reception by simply saying "I love your hair, it's so cool, etc." What did he think he was in....a petting zoo? :wtf:

And yes, had he touched my hair I was totally prepared and able to pin his arm behind his back. Lucky for him that he went away.


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## ku1980rose

So, I've got a new question since I've been looking through a couple of dating sites.....

What's up with guys posting pictures of themselves without a shirt? Sure, some are muscular with a six-pack, but most just have an average body. To me, it's not attractive anyway. I'd much rather see you clothed and looking cute in your pictures. Is this just a guy thing? (Mostly I've seen this on POF, which is a free site and seems to have more weirdos anyway. The guys that have contacted me on match seem to care a little more....maybe because you have to pay?)

Also, posting pics of your favorite tattoo?? Really?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Darn it. I went out for a nice dinner and dance class/practice party date with a guy from Match (who coincidentally was in my very large high school class.) That was two weekends ago, last weekend I went on an AMC overnight trip.

He has been getting carried away with texting the past two days.
I have my kids this weekend so no dating, plus I'm doing taxes, working and doing homework, etc.

It's not just the amount of texting, it's the leaning towards inappropriate risque comments that are out of proportion to the amount of actual time we've spent together. 

I've responded in a way that doesn't engage or encourage more of the same, but it seems he is bent on it. 

I think I'm going to go onto Match just to have it show that I logged on, lol, send a signal he is definitely not a sure thing, and if he texts me again before Wed which is when I said I would call him, I'll just have to tell him I'm only interested in occasional dating and not having a relationship via texting/phone. Which is really what I want, and if that developed into anything else, then, yes, texting and calling would be okay in that context. 

I know this behavior is somewhat within the norm but for some reason, for me, it is screaming Red Flag. 

Darn it. I thought I had met someone I could just go to dance classes once in a while with.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I just went off on a RANT on the 'What are you Thinking Right Now' thread last night!

Some jackass on POF! What a douche!

Will be checking out the suggestion from SingleInTx (above), THANKS! Will be checking into more meetup.com groups!

Being on POF makes me feel like such a b1tch! (Is it just me?) These guys who ping me are, for the most part, guys I would NEVER be interested in. If I'm being a snob, you can tell me (nicely) and I'll take it like a woman!

I want someone who is well-read and intelligent. Why would people with a HS education ping me? I mean it's POSSIBLE they are well-read on their own, but I've only met ONE SUCH PERSON in my 56 years.

I like art museums, etc. Why would someone ping me who says "I like eating out, but no 5-stars, no dressing up like a penguin." Okay, I don't expect 5-star restaurants either, but you don't even want to dress up! Um you're NOT the kind of guy I'd go to a gallery show or an art museum with!

I CLEARLY STATED that I do NOT want to be in a relationship! Clearly stated! Yet, I get all these guys who want to "meet their soulmate" or "find their last first date" or even want a "relationship". When I tell them that I DON'T want a relationship they're like "we could still just do stuff together". Am I the ONLY person who thinks these guys are going to get ALL PISSY when we do a couple of things together and I don't want to kiss them, or be groped, or be their girlfriend, or go to their house? No! THEN I'm going to be a b1tch who's just 'been leading them on'. I'd rather shut it down before it starts!

Am I crazy (a definite possibility if you knew my STBXH)? You can be honest!


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## ku1980rose

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> He has been getting carried away with texting the past two days.
> 
> It's not just the amount of texting, it's the leaning towards inappropriate risque comments that are out of proportion to the amount of actual time we've spent together.
> 
> I've responded in a way that doesn't engage or encourage more of the same, but it seems he is bent on it.
> .


I've had this same problem. I'm in a very small community (300 people) and found someone online that is my age and just moved here in January. He seems ok and it would be nice to have someone to hang out with, but he is texting me all the time and trying to get me to come to his house for drinks asap. I keep putting him off nicely because it would be nice to just text for a few days, but he asks me again every day over and over. And he is constantly texting "what are you doing?"

He could be a nice guy, but that kind of stuff just turns me on. Too desperate? I've done the same thing as you - responded nicely that doesn't encourage more of the same. Sometimes not even responded. Now I've got myself trapped into tonight because he asked what I was doing today and I said "watching a game with my grandpa and cooking him supper, then probably nothing." And he said I should come over tonight. I haven't responded yet. I know it seems rude, but....the constant texting really turned me off.

Sorry it doesn't seem to be working out for you. Maybe you just need to tell him that you are just interested in casual dating for now?


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## ku1980rose

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Am I crazy (a definite possibility if you knew my STBXH)? You can be honest!


NO! I've had the same problems on there! Being contacted by guys waaaay younger than me bugs me. And then when I tell them I'm just not interested in dating younger than me, they ask why and if they did something wrong and inform me that they are very mature. If you have to say that you are mature for your age then you probably aren't.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

ku1980rose:

I have a new standard in that I am going to tell dates/potential dates/bf's the TRUTH, even if it kills us. I was married to TWO liars! I am SO DONE with liars, so I should be willing to be HONEST and mature enough to deal with the fall-out!

I would advise you to text this guy THE TRUTH. 

'I am not coming over to your house tonight. I think you might be a fun guy to hang out with, but you text me TOO MUCH. It feels pushy and makes me uncomfortable. If you want to meet me on [Wednesday] at [B&G Grill] at [6:00pm] to [specific plan: drinks, dinner, shoot pool, watch the game], then let me know by [Monday night]. I will text you on Wednesday to confirm that work and plans are still on schedule. Hope to hear from you by Monday! -me.'

If he gets huffy or doesn't respond, you're better off than going to his house and getting groped/attacked/guilted into a horrible evening. Then you know he just wanted a quick fvck anyway. No big loss!

If he apologizes, FOLLOWS THE RULES, then maybe he will turn into a fun friend who will be cool to hang with!

Just my 2 cents!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I want someone who is well-read and intelligent. Why would people with a HS education ping me? I mean it's POSSIBLE they are well-read on their own, but I've only met ONE SUCH PERSON in my 56 years.


Well, I AM being a snob, because someone else just PM'd me (who I know and love on TAM) to state that they do not have a college degree and are often mistaken for having a Bachelor's or Master's!

I guess it must be more common than I thought for people with some (or no) college to continue growing on their own intellectually after HS. I appreciate the input! I thought the chances of meeting such a person were 1 in a billion, apparently the chances are MUCH BETTER than that!

Thanks, D. !!!


----------



## Dollystanford

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I want someone who is well-read and intelligent. Why would people with a HS education ping me? I mean it's POSSIBLE they are well-read on their own, but I've only met ONE SUCH PERSON in my 56 years.


Honestly? I was at university with some incredibly thick people. I also know a number of people who didn't finish university or college for whatever reason who are super intelligent, funny and witty and whom I adore. I don't care if you have a degree or not - as long as you don't have a chip on your shoulder about ME having one (which my ex did)


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## Lon

If anything, the time spent around people at university only shrunk my intellect. Just not a place for someone like me to thrive.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Well, I AM being a snob, because someone else just PM'd me (who I know and love on TAM) to state that they do not have a college degree and are often mistaken for having a Bachelor's or Master's!
> 
> I guess it must be more common than I thought for people with some (or no) college to continue growing on their own intellectually after HS. I appreciate the input! I thought the chances of meeting such a person were 1 in a billion, apparently the chances are MUCH BETTER than that!
> 
> Thanks, D. !!!


Hey now, cool it off.
I only have a MS (from Dartmouth) but because I've worked in research ever since, people often mistake me for having my PhD. Actually, I do research work for faculty who are trying to earn tenure...I can't tell you the number of times I have either helped someone get their PhD or tenure. My turn's coming soon...I finally found some research that floats my boat. I've been holding out. lol.

I dropped out of high school.
Phhhhht!

I only finished my first BS because I was being paid active duty, it was my official military job for three years. Go to school, and here's some money for civilian clothes. Too cool! 

I'm being paid to get my second BS too. 
It seems the only way to motivate me to go to classes is with dollars.
But once I'm committed to it, it's fun enough.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> If anything, the time spent around people at university only shrunk my intellect. Just not a place for someone like me to thrive.


I telecommute 
Keeps my brain from regressing to the mean.
But next week I'll be on site for two days.
The last time I went I hung out with some computational linguists from Berkely. Those were the guys who had colored pens and notebooks just like me <3 I felt soooooo normal. For one day. lol.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> So, I've got a new question since I've been looking through a couple of dating sites.....
> 
> What's up with guys posting pictures of themselves without a shirt? Sure, some are muscular with a six-pack, but most just have an average body. To me, it's not attractive anyway. I'd much rather see you clothed and looking cute in your pictures. Is this just a guy thing? (Mostly I've seen this on POF, which is a free site and seems to have more weirdos anyway. The guys that have contacted me on match seem to care a little more....maybe because you have to pay?)
> 
> Also, posting pics of your favorite tattoo?? Really?


Have they sent you any pics of their *package*? That seems to be quite common it seems... :rofl: :slap:

I would think that if you have to pay then you get a better class of peeps. My friends are on Match and seem to like it. Hate to say it, but what you've experienced on POF is what I've heard about it. 

This is all one reason I won't do online dating. One reason among many. To each his/her own.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I would advise you to text this guy THE TRUTH.
> 
> 'I am not coming over to your house tonight. I think you might be a fun guy to hang out with, but you text me TOO MUCH. It feels pushy and makes me uncomfortable. If you want to meet me on [Wednesday] at [B&G Grill] at [6:00pm] to [specific plan: drinks, dinner, shoot pool, watch the game], then let me know by [Monday night]. I will text you on Wednesday to confirm that work and plans are still on schedule. Hope to hear from you by Monday! -me.'
> 
> If he gets huffy or doesn't respond, you're better off than going to his house and getting groped/attacked/guilted into a horrible evening. Then you know he just wanted a quick fvck anyway. No big loss!
> 
> If he apologizes, FOLLOWS THE RULES, then maybe he will turn into a fun friend who will be cool to hang with!
> 
> Just my 2 cents!


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: It's interesting. My 18 year old daughter once said to me, "What is it about people having problems with the word 'NO'? Why can't they use it?". She said her friends were amazed at her ability to say 'no'. I guess I taught her well. 

I've always been perplexed about this myself. Unless someone is paying me to do a job, I don't stress about this crap. 

If someone is a pain or bothering me either by calling too much, texting too much or just being a pest in general I'll just come out and tell them so. I try to be nice but the end result is that if you are being a pest then you are being rude and I have the right to return the favor. 

And I do. I will start out polite and say "This isn't working for me, would you please stop..." and if they persist then it's time for "F*ck off"..or at least the equivalent. 

They've earned it by being a pest so that's the reward they get for bothering me and disrupting my life. 

Or, if you are the nonconfrontational type, you could just block their texts. That'll send them message without you having to say a thing. You can get Caller ID on your phone, even landline phones and when you see their number come up, don't answer it. On your cell, make them a contact and send them to Voicemail when their name comes up. My cell phone is the simplest phone out there and I have the ability to do all these things. :smthumbup:

Use the technology against them that they are so effectively using to make your life difficult!

Hopefully they will go away. If not, THEN you can tell them to bug off. But don't stress out about it. It's not worth the aggravation. 

In the end you can always threaten to break their arm. That seems to work well. :rofl:


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: It's interesting. My 18 year old daughter once said to me, "What is it about people having problems with the word 'NO'? Why can't they use it?". She said her friends were amazed at her ability to say 'no'. I guess I taught her well.
> 
> I've always been perplexed about this myself. Unless someone is paying me to do a job, I don't stress about this crap.
> 
> If someone is a pain or bothering me either by calling too much, texting too much or just being a pest in general I'll just come out and tell them so. I try to be nice but the end result is that if you are being a pest then you are being rude and I have the right to return the favor.
> 
> And I do. I will start out polite and say "This isn't working for me, would you please stop..." and if they persist then it's time for "F*ck off"..or at least the equivalent.
> 
> They've earned it by being a pest so that's the reward they get for bothering me and disrupting my life.
> 
> Or, if you are the nonconfrontational type, you could just block their texts. That'll send them message without you having to say a thing. You can get Caller ID on your phone, even landline phones and when you see their number come up, don't answer it. On your cell, make them a contact and send them to Voicemail when their name comes up. My cell phone is the simplest phone out there and I have the ability to do all these things. :smthumbup:
> 
> Use the technology against them that they are so effectively using to make your life difficult!
> 
> Hopefully they will go away. If not, THEN you can tell them to bug off. But don't stress out about it. It's not worth the aggravation.
> 
> In the end you can always threaten to break their arm. That seems to work well. :rofl:


I don't have a problem saying no. I'm disappointed that I have to do it again. What is with men thinking they have their foot in the door and then just doing/saying stupid stuff? Maybe they are shooting the foot that's in the door, on purpose? I really have no desire to take this guy to a milonga now amongst my friends. I think I'm going to have to rescind my invitation by telling him the truth, I've been really busy the past two weeks with my work, school and kids and I just want to go and catch up with my friends with next weekend.


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## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't have a problem saying no. I'm disappointed that I have to do it again.


Well..guess it's time for the "Fu*ck off" (or the equivalent). Or you can just ignore him completely. 

Homemaker, somehow you just strike me as the type who would have no problem getting rid of a pesky individual.. That's meant in a good way.


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## ku1980rose

This guy I've been talking to just sent me a message about my writing. Said he's ready for me to write a Romance novel where we can be the stars!!! WTF??!!! And we've only been messaging on match with no flirting. Oh geez......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford

Another one bites the dust heh heh


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## ku1980rose

Lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose

I wasn't very interested before but now I'm really not interested! He crossed a line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Yah, my guy texted me what was I doing, I said I was reading the Mongolia country guide for my internship, and that I was gonna have to shop for work dresses that came below my knees. He said he would be signing off on them? Then I told him I was gonna have to learn karaoke before leaving and he said the way to do that was to get a buzz and then sing. I said the chances of me getting a buzz were zero. He was like...thanks. Meaning I guess I didn't trust him to get a buzz on, I just don't get drunk out in public, or at home, either! I like to stay in control of myself, at least when it comes to alcohol. Then he said he would teach me, i said I had a good friend I've known since I was 8 who does karaoke hosting for one of her jobs, and that she'd take care of it for me...

It just seemed like this guy was being kind of controlling, wanting to insert himself into all these areas of my life. Confusing me sharing info on a get to know me basis, vs. saying I wanted him to participate in that part of my life. 

Just the way he was being was sending out red flag warnings. Also he said he went out to a bar with friends and didn't drink, stayed low. Like he was telling me he wasn't out cruising. I don't care! We went out on one date, I barely know you, it's fine by me if you go to a bar and hit on women, and even ask them out or take them home. What you do is your business. We are not an item. And don't expect me not to go out on any dates in return. Yuk!

He was so nice and considerate starting out, had fine boundaries.


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## ku1980rose

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Yah, my guy texted me what was I doing, I said I was reading the Mongolia country guide for my internship, and that I was gonna have to shop for work dresses that came below my knees. He said he would be signing off on them? Then I told him I was gonna have to learn karaoke before leaving and he said the way to do that was to get a buzz and then sing. I said the chances of me getting a buzz were zero. He was like...thanks. Meaning I guess I didn't trust him to get a buzz on, I just don't get drunk out in public, or at home, either! I like to stay in control of myself, at least when it comes to alcohol. Then he said he would teach me, i said I had a good friend I've known since I was 8 who does karaoke hosting for one of her jobs, and that she'd take care of it for me...
> 
> It just seemed like this guy was being kind of controlling, wanting to insert himself into all these areas of my life. Confusing me sharing info on a get to know me basis, vs. saying I wanted him to participate in that part of my life.
> 
> Just the way he was being was sending out red flag warnings. Also he said he went out to a bar with friends and didn't drink, stayed low. Like he was telling me he wasn't out cruising. I don't care! We went out on one date, I barely know you, it's fine by me if you go to a bar and hit on women, and even ask them out or take them home. What you do is your business. We are not an item. And don't expect me not to go out on any dates in return. Yuk!
> 
> He was so nice and considerate starting out, had fine boundaries.


Yeah seems like he just doesn't get it. Too much too fast. And it doesn't sound like you've led him on. It's weird how people get that way. 

I have another one. I agreed to a date with a guy on Wednesday. Seemed like a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders. But then he texts me last night at 1am telling me he has a good feeling about me and that he can't get me outta his mind. Now I'm second guessing this date. I just wanted a date. And if it turned out we liked each other then great!!! But until then keep it normal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> This guy I've been talking to just sent me a message about my writing. Said he's ready for me to write a Romance novel where we can be the stars!!! WTF??!!!


:lol: :rofl::rofl: Damn, I'm ready to sign up for POF just to get in on stuff like this....That's just TOO good!! 

What a dork! :crazy: :loser: :tool:


----------



## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: :rofl::rofl: Damn, I'm ready to sign up for POF just to get in on stuff like this....That's just TOO good!!
> 
> What a dork! :crazy: :loser: :tool:


Lol! This one was actually on match. And yes. What a tool.

I told him I wasn't interested in talking anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ku1980rose

Ok. I got some more.

I chatted with a guy a little bit. And after a couple of messages he asked if he could call me so we could get to know each other better. I told him I wasn't comfortable giving him my phone number yet and that I would rather message. Then I said with texting and message, I don't talk on the phone anymore. Lol

I was just joking. Talking about the fact that people don't make phone calls anymore.

His response? "Don't talk on the phone.......whatever....." and that was the end of that.

Jerk

And I got my first pervert on POF. A guy sent me a message and asked if I like young coc*. I blocked him. That's a nice feature.

But, this crap happens in the real world dating scene too. Maybe not as bad with some of it because they don't have a computer to hide behind, but there's always jerks and a**holes out there.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ku1980rose said:


> Yeah seems like he just doesn't get it. Too much too fast. And it doesn't sound like you've led him on. It's weird how people get that way.
> 
> I have another one. I agreed to a date with a guy on Wednesday. Seemed like a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders. But then he texts me last night at 1am telling me he has a good feeling about me and that he can't get me outta his mind. Now I'm second guessing this date. I just wanted a date. And if it turned out we liked each other then great!!! But until then keep it normal
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yah, and he was asking me when we could get together next and I said Saturday and asked him to a milonga and he accepted, and that I would call him Wednesday evening. Soooo, this evening (Monday) he texts me and asks if we are still on to get together Wed evening. So I said no, it was going to snow and I have a class so only have 2 free hours. I said nothing about the Saturday night, as it was clear he forgot about the texted arrangements for Wed phone Saturday date. He texted back oh, okay, his Wed night just freed up then lol, and for me to have fun. (Doing nothing after class?) And he said for me to give him a call sometime. CLEARLY he had forgotten about the text interchange so probably he was buzzed or whatever when he was texting the borderline inapprorpriate stuff. I then texted back to him saying, we had planned a milonga on Saturday but it's been weeks since I've seen my friends... Meaning DUDE you forgot we had a date and now it is off. :lol:

Fail.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ku1980rose said:


> Ok. I got some more.
> 
> I chatted with a guy a little bit. And after a couple of messages he asked if he could call me so we could get to know each other better. I told him I wasn't comfortable giving him my phone number yet and that I would rather message. Then I said with texting and message, I don't talk on the phone anymore. Lol
> 
> I was just joking. Talking about the fact that people don't make phone calls anymore.
> 
> His response? "Don't talk on the phone.......whatever....." and that was the end of that.
> 
> Jerk
> 
> And I got my first pervert on POF. A guy sent me a message and asked if I like young coc*. I blocked him. That's a nice feature.
> 
> But, this crap happens in the real world dating scene too. Maybe not as bad with some of it because they don't have a computer to hide behind, but there's always jerks and a**holes out there.


I had some young guy used to offer me all the time, pestering me, he was really sweet, a student at the local university. I should have, but I just couldn't!!!!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ku1980rose said:


> Yeah seems like he just doesn't get it. Too much too fast. And it doesn't sound like you've led him on. It's weird how people get that way.
> 
> I have another one. I agreed to a date with a guy on Wednesday. Seemed like a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders. But then he texts me last night at 1am telling me he has a good feeling about me and that he can't get me outta his mind. Now I'm second guessing this date. I just wanted a date. And if it turned out we liked each other then great!!! But until then keep it normal
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1 a.m. wouldn't matter what he texted.
Fail.
But too funny, he was probably masturbating thinking about you and got all confused with fantasy vs. reality. Definitely warped.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I'm going to lunch with two guys tomorrow. lol.
Mentor and P.I. on a project.
But hey, I'll be out and about in new territory and in good, sane company. With what I've dealt with in the dating world, this is a huge improvement. 
I'm wearing a skirt so I can show off my snowboarding bruises :-o


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> I chatted with a guy a little bit. And after a couple of messages he asked if he could call me so we could get to know each other better. I told him I wasn't comfortable giving him my phone number yet and that I would rather message. Then I said with texting and message, I don't talk on the phone anymore. Lol
> 
> I was just joking. Talking about the fact that people don't make phone calls anymore.
> 
> His response? "Don't talk on the phone.......whatever....." and that was the end of that.


:lol: Well, he'd love me because I actually don't talk on the phone! I hate talking on the phone.


----------



## ku1980rose

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> 1 a.m. wouldn't matter what he texted.
> Fail.
> But too funny, he was probably masturbating thinking about you and got all confused with fantasy vs. reality. Definitely warped.


I ended up canceling on him. Part of the reason was the texting. The other was that he has 3 kids and I just don't know if I want that in my life. I am potentially looking for a long-term relationship and I don't especially want to get involved with someone who already has a large family.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

ku1980rose said:


> I ended up canceling on him. Part of the reason was the texting. The other was that he has 3 kids and I just don't know if I want that in my life. I am potentially looking for a long-term relationship and I don't especially want to get involved with someone who already has a large family.


He's not smart. I have a rotation of 3 girls I'm seeing right now. None of them get more than a couple of texts per day. Sometimes, none. I'll engage in a convo if goes back and forth for an hour, but goodness. I have things going on. A girl is not the centerpiece. Funny thing is that they like the whole "busy" guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Dedicated2Her said:


> He's not smart. I have a rotation of 3 girls I'm seeing right now. None of them get more than a couple of texts per day. Sometimes, none. I'll engage in a convo if goes back and forth for an hour, but goodness. I have things going on. A girl is not the centerpiece. Funny thing is that they like the whole "busy" guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hopefully, unlike my guys you'll be able to keep track of what you said to whom, what plans you made and when, and who knows the side door to your office building as well as that you went to LA for work vs. to kick back and relax, or vice versa...it doesn't matter which but sticking to the same story is critical. 

I suppose a lot of girls don't keep track of details. But if you have one who does and you make a mistake, hopefully you have a lineup so you can keep your count up to 3.

The trouble with this tactic is that you're going to lose ones who do keep track of details and remember what you say, and if you happen to be looking for a serious relationship, someone who cares, those are probably the ones you'd want to keep around. So, take notes and review them while you're chatting.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> I ended up canceling on him. Part of the reason was the texting. The other was that he has 3 kids and I just don't know if I want that in my life. I am potentially looking for a long-term relationship and I don't especially want to get involved with someone who already has a large family.


3 kids and he has time for texting at 1 am?  :rofl:

I understand your concerns about the kids. My phantom dater (that's what I named the guy who basically couldn't be bothered to actually make a date with me) had 2 kids, ages 12 and 10. He had them every other weekend/plus 2 days during the week. As long as I wasn't expected to hang with them I didn't care. But then again, I'm not looking for a long term relationship and wanting to have kids of my own as you are. 

Personally, I'd avoid guys who have a brood of younger children and an Ex in the wings. Of course, that limits you a lot. 

Most guys my age have older/grown kids. My daughter is in college and my son is in high school and fairly independent. Makes life easier all around.


----------



## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> 3 kids and he has time for texting at 1 am?  :rofl:
> 
> I understand your concerns about the kids. My phantom dater (that's what I named the guy who basically couldn't be bothered to actually make a date with me) had 2 kids, ages 12 and 10. He had them every other weekend/plus 2 days during the week. As long as I wasn't expected to hang with them I didn't care. But then again, I'm not looking for a long term relationship and wanting to have kids of my own as you are.
> 
> Personally, I'd avoid guys who have a brood of younger children and an Ex in the wings. Of course, that limits you a lot.
> 
> Most guys my age have older/grown kids. My daughter is in college and my son is in high school and fairly independent. Makes life easier all around.


I think he only has his kids on the weekend, but they do live in the same town. 

I've dated guys with kids and my ex had two kids that he never saw. That's a story in itself.

Yeah, it's hard to find someone without kids. The guy I dated right after my divorce didn't have kids. He wanted them, but his ex wife couldn't have any. They were in the process of adopting when she left. I thought we'd be a good match in that department because we were both in our 30s and no kids. It was really nice to be with someone that didn't have a family already. It's not that I don't want a family, it's just that I don't have any kids and it's nice to date someone who has the freedom to do things as I do. Plus, I'd like to share that with someone someday and not just become a part of their ready made family.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> I. It's not that I don't want a family, it's just that I don't have any kids and it's nice to date someone who has the freedom to do things as I do. Plus, I'd like to share that with someone someday and not just become a part of their ready made family.


You can get into some real problems getting involved with someone who already has a family. 75% of second marriages fail because of problems with PRIOR relationships. 

I have a friend who married someone with 2 teenage girls. They wound up getting divorced as a result of problems with his daugters. It was a real nightmare for her. 

I personally don't want to have anything to do with anyone's kids, ex wife, etc. If you want/need time to be with your family then it's cool. Just let me know and I'll make myself scarce, but don't expect me to get involved with them. Likewise, I don't need or want anyone to get involved with my kids and (soon to be) Ex.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

lol so now he emailed me after I told him this weekend was out due to me being busy this week with work, school, kids, and needing to catch up with work and friends...and studies...on the weekend...

"Got it. If you want to know what's important to a person look at how they spend their time."

Hello? Obviously he has not realized that he f'd up about the phone call Wednesday and the date Saturday, confusing it with a date Wednesday, and does not realize how inappropriate he was texting with me about other stuff when we left it at that...talk Wed, date Sat. I think I just weeded out someone with some mental health and anger issues...you know, a person tries to be open minded about why a guy would be 49 and single and never partnered...

But hey, it only took me one phone call, a couple short emails, some texting and one somewhat enjoyable date out dancing to realize this guy is obviously going to be incompatible with my life plans. If he's gonna get all pissy about a busy week from school starting, imagine how he's going to feel if I do a PhD or travel to Mongolia for work (and I've told him up front that's what I plan to do in future...)

Going to conference in March. Maybe I will meet someone with similar interests and plans, if not I am still 100% in the right place to support my own. I don't know why some guys (not all) think that a woman is suddenly going to drop all her interests to pursue him and be 100% available. My dream life does not involve marrying a researcher or whatever, it involves actually being one.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Freak On a Leash said:


> You can get into some real problems getting involved with someone who already has a family. 75% of second marriages fail because of problems with PRIOR relationships.
> 
> I have a friend who married someone with 2 teenage girls. They wound up getting divorced as a result of problems with his daugters. It was a real nightmare for her.
> 
> I personally don't want to have anything to do with anyone's kids, ex wife, etc. If you want/need time to be with your family then it's cool. Just let me know and I'll make myself scarce, but don't expect me to get involved with them. Likewise, I don't need or want anyone to get involved with my kids and (soon to be) Ex.


I plan to live a split life if I have a relationship. Three ways. Time for the kids, time for me (work, school, hobbies, friends, whatever), and time together (whatever that might entail.) Things change over time. Work comes and goes, kids grow up, people die or become ill... I just can't see marriage happening...but a functional relationship because of love, yes, that could happen.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't know why some guys (not all) think that a woman is suddenly going to drop all her interests to pursue him and be 100% available.


Well, those guys aren't guys I want to be involved with. If so, they will be very disappointed with me because I can't be 100% available to anyone. Ask my STBXH. 

I don't see a relationship in my life at this point. Not enough time and I have no idea where I'll be going in 3-4 years. I just want to have some fun. If somone wants to come along for the ride, then it's cool.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, those guys aren't guys I want to be involved with. If so, they will be very disappointed with me because I can't be 100% available to anyone. Ask my STBXH.
> 
> I don't see a relationship in my life at this point. Not enough time and I have no idea where I'll be going in 3-4 years. I just want to have some fun. If somone wants to come along for the ride, then it's cool.


:iagree:


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Hopefully, unlike my guys you'll be able to keep track of what you said to whom, what plans you made and when, and who knows the side door to your office building as well as that you went to LA for work vs. to kick back and relax, or vice versa...it doesn't matter which but sticking to the same story is critical.
> 
> I suppose a lot of girls don't keep track of details. But if you have one who does and you make a mistake, hopefully you have a lineup so you can keep your count up to 3.
> 
> The trouble with this tactic is that you're going to lose ones who do keep track of details and remember what you say, and if you happen to be looking for a serious relationship, someone who cares, those are probably the ones you'd want to keep around. So, take notes and review them while you're chatting.


I'm in sales, so I deal with quite a few ppl on a daily basis. I keep calendar invites everytime I make plans, and I keep files in my phone when a girl I'm interested in tells me something about herself. However, I'm not interested in long term right now. I just need to have fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ku1980rose

Ok. This guy is creeping me out. I am working today and have an hour free, so thought I'd stop by TAM.

I've talked about substituting at a school here and it ends up he works at the school as a maintenance guy or something. (And remember it's a small town. This town is about 3,000 people) One time he sent me a message part way through school and said he had seen me with a group of kids coming back from lunch. But didn't want to interrupt and say hi. 

Since then, I haven't messaged him much. He had told me about his kid, who lives in Vegas with his ex. He said he moved back here (states away) because he didn't have anybody else in Vegas and sees his kid once a month or so. The fact that he moved so far away from his kid kind of turned me off. I dealt with this with my ex. A man who pursues his other interests, dreams, career, whatever and leaves his kid to his ex pretty much full time....and still calls himself a dad.

So, anyway. I'm back at the same school today. Did not tell him that. Haven't really talked to him. And I get a message right away saying, "You walked right past me and didn't even say hi."

My response, "I did? I was probably with kids and busy."

Him: "It was when you entered in the building. I walked right beside you."

Me: "Well, I had other things on my mind like getting to class. And, obviously you didn't say hi either."

Him: "lol! So it's my fault! Just kidding. I didn't want to bother you just thought I would tell you I saw ya."

Me: "Well, don't you think that comes across a little strange that you see me and don't say hi? Even if I didn't know it was you?"

I am not interested in this guy, but if we work in the same place I don't mind meeting him. However, it kind of creeps me out that he keeps "seeing" me and not saying hi. And then messaging me about it because I didn't notice him. I've only seen a few pics and I'm not interested, so of course I'm not looking for him. He could've been any other stranger in the hallway.

So, we'll see what his response is. But, at this point I really don't care except for the fact that it's weird.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Dedicated2Her said:


> I'm in sales, so I deal with quite a few ppl on a daily basis. I keep calendar invites everytime I make plans, and I keep files in my phone when a girl I'm interested in tells me something about herself. However, I'm not interested in long term right now. I just need to have fun.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The guy that messed up our phone-Wed date Saturday is in real estate sales and sales management and training. You'd think he would have a clue about people, but I think his perception is warped by selling a product that most people want and eventually close on. :rofl: Himself vs. house. There is a difference.

Good that you keep notes and such. For being casual, that is a really decent thing for you to do.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ku1980rose said:


> Ok. This guy is creeping me out. I am working today and have an hour free, so thought I'd stop by TAM.
> 
> I've talked about substituting at a school here and it ends up he works at the school as a maintenance guy or something. (And remember it's a small town. This town is about 3,000 people) One time he sent me a message part way through school and said he had seen me with a group of kids coming back from lunch. But didn't want to interrupt and say hi.
> 
> Since then, I haven't messaged him much. He had told me about his kid, who lives in Vegas with his ex. He said he moved back here (states away) because he didn't have anybody else in Vegas and sees his kid once a month or so. The fact that he moved so far away from his kid kind of turned me off. I dealt with this with my ex. A man who pursues his other interests, dreams, career, whatever and leaves his kid to his ex pretty much full time....and still calls himself a dad.
> 
> So, anyway. I'm back at the same school today. Did not tell him that. Haven't really talked to him. And I get a message right away saying, "You walked right past me and didn't even say hi."
> 
> My response, "I did? I was probably with kids and busy."
> 
> Him: "It was when you entered in the building. I walked right beside you."
> 
> Me: "Well, I had other things on my mind like getting to class. And, obviously you didn't say hi either."
> 
> Him: "lol! So it's my fault! Just kidding. I didn't want to bother you just thought I would tell you I saw ya."
> 
> Me: "Well, don't you think that comes across a little strange that you see me and don't say hi? Even if I didn't know it was you?"
> 
> I am not interested in this guy, but if we work in the same place I don't mind meeting him. However, it kind of creeps me out that he keeps "seeing" me and not saying hi. And then messaging me about it because I didn't notice him. I've only seen a few pics and I'm not interested, so of course I'm not looking for him. He could've been any other stranger in the hallway.
> 
> So, we'll see what his response is. But, at this point I really don't care except for the fact that it's weird.


Yes that is creepy. It's probably time to set firm boundaries...


----------



## ku1980rose

This guy just doesn't get it. Even after I sent him that message saying it was weird, he replied: No, it's not weird. It was the start of the day and I was busy! I promise I'll try to do better next time!

Guess I'll just have to flat out tell him that I am really not interested.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> The guy that messed up our phone-Wed date Saturday is in real estate sales and sales management and training. You'd think he would have a clue about people, but I think his perception is warped by selling a product that most people want and eventually close on. Himself vs. house. There is a difference.
> 
> Good that you keep notes and such. For being casual, that is a really decent thing for you to do.


Residential real estate sales are MUCH different.  I have to sell myself everyday. Keeping it casual is so HARD! Women typically always want more, therefore, I am very specific about who I date. Recent divorcees are perfect because neither wants something serious, and, typically, we both like our alone time.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> Ok. This guy is creeping me out. I am working today and have an hour free, so thought I'd stop by TAM.
> 
> I've talked about substituting at a school here and it ends up he works at the school as a maintenance guy or something. (And remember it's a small town. This town is about 3,000 people) One time he sent me a message part way through school and said he had seen me with a group of kids coming back from lunch. But didn't want to interrupt and say hi.
> 
> Since then, I haven't messaged him much. He had told me about his kid, who lives in Vegas with his ex. He said he moved back here (states away) because he didn't have anybody else in Vegas and sees his kid once a month or so. The fact that he moved so far away from his kid kind of turned me off. I dealt with this with my ex. A man who pursues his other interests, dreams, career, whatever and leaves his kid to his ex pretty much full time....and still calls himself a dad.
> 
> So, anyway. I'm back at the same school today. Did not tell him that. Haven't really talked to him. And I get a message right away saying, "You walked right past me and didn't even say hi."
> 
> My response, "I did? I was probably with kids and busy."
> 
> Him: "It was when you entered in the building. I walked right beside you."
> 
> Me: "Well, I had other things on my mind like getting to class. And, obviously you didn't say hi either."
> 
> Him: "lol! So it's my fault! Just kidding. I didn't want to bother you just thought I would tell you I saw ya."
> 
> Me: "Well, don't you think that comes across a little strange that you see me and don't say hi? Even if I didn't know it was you?"
> 
> I am not interested in this guy, but if we work in the same place I don't mind meeting him. However, it kind of creeps me out that he keeps "seeing" me and not saying hi. And then messaging me about it because I didn't notice him. I've only seen a few pics and I'm not interested, so of course I'm not looking for him. He could've been any other stranger in the hallway.
> 
> So, we'll see what his response is. But, at this point I really don't care except for the fact that it's weird.


WTF. I don't care what else happens....Run, don't walk....Run away from this dude. Maintenance guy at a school??????? You are his world, and he is already seeking validation from you. DANG!:scratchhead::scratchhead:


----------



## ku1980rose

Dedicated2Her said:


> WTF. I don't care what else happens....Run, don't walk....Run away from this dude. Maintenance guy at a school??????? You are his world, and he is already seeking validation from you. DANG!:scratchhead::scratchhead:


Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. I hate that I'm going to keep running into him here, though. But, I guess if he bothers me I'll just go talk to the principal or someone. 

Yes, he really does do maintenance at the school. He's in his 30s.

But, yes, I agree he is seeking validation. It's just a little strange....


----------



## one_strange_otter

I've been attempting online dating recently. Very quickly I figured out unless you are brad pitt/david beckham sexy then everything else is completely geared in favor of the women. Even the most homely woman can put up a profile saying she's married and just wants sex where her husband can catch her so she can break up her marriage and some jerk is gonna raise his hand and go "yo, I'm your guy".

I think what's important is to not get your expectations too high. There are a very few number of people in any given population that actually treat the dating sites seriously. Others fall into the categories of:

1) looking for an ego boost
2) seeing if there's something better than who they are with
3) cheaters
4) no social skills so you are passive aggresively putting yourself out there

IDK, I might be a little jaded because my separated status is like the death knell to any potential dates. So I've just started having fun with it since I no longer have any expectations of meeting anyone for a LTR any more. Being myself and not worrying about what might happen actually has led to a few decent chat conversations and possibly an evening out with another supposed separatee. 

And one more thing, I wouldn't chat with anyone too long that I thought might actually be a potential mate before at least meeting for coffee, etc. Your mind starts filling in the details with what it wants and that's when fantasy starts colliding with reality and you end up getting texts at 1 in the morning about how they were "just thinking about you".


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Just got a 'mail' from some guy on POF. His mail says, "Lot of nots."

I'm thinking, WTH? I thought my profile and what I was looking for was very positive and specific. So I looked at it. Here (at the bottom) is what POF added AUTOMATICALLY based on my survey:



> Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex. (edit)
> You must have a picture to contact this user. (edit)
> Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
> Must not do drugs
> Must not be married
> Must not smoke


WOW! Really? Don't be married, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't ask to bang me the night we meet. Who the hell do I think I am making all those RIDICULOUS DEMANDS! WTF?

So I looked at his profile. Here's what POF added AUTOMATICALLY based on HIS survey.


> Must be between 45-70yo.
> Must live in US


Uh, YEAH, I guess I *DO* look ridiculously picky compared to him! What a d0uche!


----------



## one_strange_otter

You're such a prude......


Just Kidding! :smthumbup:




SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Just got a 'mail' from some guy on POF. His mail says, "Lot of nots."
> 
> I'm thinking, WTH? I thought my profile and what I was looking for was very positive and specific. So I looked at it. Here (at the bottom) is what POF added AUTOMATICALLY based on my survey:
> 
> 
> 
> WOW! Really? Don't be married, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't ask to bang me the night we meet. Who the hell do I think I am making all those RIDICULOUS DEMANDS! WTF?
> 
> So I looked at his profile. Here's what POF added AUTOMATICALLY based on HIS survey.
> 
> Uh, YEAH, I guess I *DO* look ridiculously picky compared to him! What a d0uche!


----------



## NoWhere

You don't want to have sex with a married man on drugs on the first date and need a picture! What in the world is wrong with you?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Just sent a response to him:

Him: Lot of nots! ; )

Me: Yes. Not married. Not a druggie. Not a smoker. Not ask to get laid on the first date.

Apparently I'm too picky. Thank you for writing anyway.

[could hardly keep from laughing while I wrote it]

.


----------



## NoWhere

Just reading his email he sounds like a total winner. lol.

Its obvious to me he has a chip on his shoulder about women with some standards. He sure showed you! How inventive. Lots of nots. Pure genius.


----------



## NoWhere

And for the record my standards are "Must have a pulse" and even I think this guy is a loser. LMAO


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I might have a date Saturday evening. I hope he's not a douche!
If he is, at least I have a small dance party to go to afterwards.
I usually don't do airline pilot attorney types but what the heck. I figure if someone is self-involved they won't have a problem with me being somewhat the same. In theory, this makes sense, in practice, I have the feeling a lot of guys are looking for the cheerleader always available type. Whatever, I am getting used to the whole date-and-disengage thing. Unlike some things, there is no penalty for throwing back a catch. 

Oh wait, he is a douche. He said he doesn't do dinner on a first date but invited me 'over' for a drink. I replied that I don't do 'over' on the first day, that I loved stand offs, and that they saved a lot of hassle right up front.


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## EnjoliWoman

Yeah, douche. That translates to: I'll get you tipsy and we'll have sex and I won't have to spring on dinner unless I decide I like you enough for another date."

The second date stuff is completely optional to him, however.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

lol, he said I could find someone else to buy me dinner.
So I replied, that it had been my invite so I'd been planning to pick up the tab. Which I often do when I go out with friends, we take turns. Like I worry about that stuff. Douche.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Just sent a response to him:
> 
> Him: Lot of nots! ; )
> 
> Me: Yes. Not married. Not a druggie. Not a smoker. Not ask to get laid on the first date.
> 
> Apparently I'm too picky. Thank you for writing anyway.
> 
> [could hardly keep from laughing while I wrote it]
> 
> .


From my pof experiences, 90% of women have the same requirements on their profile, and I suspect most of the rest are too dumb to figure out to filter those things. And of course I suspect a lot of the "high standard" women are just game playing and would discards those principles when a charmer with good looks comes along.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Definitely a douche. He was a poor loser in the game of words, too. 
At least being an attorney I thought he might be up for some verbal banter and come-up-manship but when he discovered he was trounced, he hurled an insult and shouted 'next!'
lol.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Hey, Homemaker:

YOUR douche beats MY douche!

Like poker, we can open with a pair of douches! :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> This guy just doesn't get it. Even after I sent him that message saying it was weird, he replied: No, it's not weird. It was the start of the day and I was busy! I promise I'll try to do better next time!
> 
> Guess I'll just have to flat out tell him that I am really not interested.


:lol: :rofl: What is this guy's problem? He's acting like a teenager!

"I'm not weird, you're weird..so there!" :slap: :wtf:

Don't even engage this idiot in conversation. You are just giving him reason to bother you. He probably likes it and is probably convinced that now you are interested simply because you are talking to him. 

So don't talk to him and block his texts. If he asks why then just say "I'm not interested in texting you or dating you."

That's how I handle stuff. Directness is my forte. 

I have a friend who has a married man bothering her. He's texting her all the time. I told her the same thing...to block his texts and tell him "not interested in being the 'other woman'." However, she seems to like the attention. It's her call. He is a pretty charming fellow, too bad about the marriage thing.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

MY guy just sent me another 'mail', but I deleted it unread. What's he gonna say that I wanna hear? ....NEXT? Oh, that's right, Homemaker's beat him to it!


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Oh wait, he is a douche. He said he doesn't do dinner on a first date but invited me 'over' for a drink. I replied that I don't do 'over' on the first day, that I loved stand offs, and that they saved a lot of hassle right up front.


:lol::rofl: Oh THAT'S good. "Come over for a drink". Why not just dispense with that and just jump into bed? 

That's something I would say.."Oh, forget about the drink, let's just get it on. I'll bring the strawberry flavored lube". :rofl:

I love shocking people, especially a-holes.


----------



## Lon

Lon said:


> From my pof experiences, 90% of women have the same requirements on their profile, and I suspect most of the rest are too dumb to figure out to filter those things. And of course I suspect a lot of the "high standard" women are just game playing and would discards those principles when a charmer with good looks comes along.


and I meant to say that "yes, he's a douche for being whiny about that".


----------



## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: :rofl: What is this guy's problem? He's acting like a teenager!
> 
> "I'm not weird, you're weird..so there!" :slap: :wtf:
> 
> Don't even engage this idiot in conversation. You are just giving him reason to bother you. He probably likes it and is probably convinced that now you are interested simply because you are talking to him.
> 
> So don't talk to him and block his texts. If he asks why then just say "I'm not interested in texting you or dating you."
> 
> That's how I handle stuff. Directness is my forte.
> 
> I have a friend who has a married man bothering her. He's texting her all the time. I told her the same thing...to block his texts and tell him "not interested in being the 'other woman'." However, she seems to like the attention. It's her call. He is a pretty charming fellow, too bad about the marriage thing.


Well fortunately I haven't given him my cell number. He's been messaging me through POF. They have an app that is like texting. I haven't responded to him again though. Although he did send me another text and ask when I'd be back in that school so we could "meet up."

Oh Geez....I have to go there tomorrow to the same classroom. I think I may message him and just be blunt and tell him that I don't want to "meet up."

I try to be straight out honest with people, but sometimes I find it hard. I definitely do not like his attention. I'm not someone that likes much attention anyway. I just have a hard time hurting people's feelings especially when I will see those people around. 

But, you are so right in your reply. And you made me laugh! :smthumbup:


----------



## ku1980rose

Is it bad to say that it's good to hear that others are dealing with the same douche's on POF that I am?? I think I will just stick to other websites (match seems ok) and real life. I've never had this big of a problem with online dating before. I've done it in the past and had some good relationships result from it.


----------



## Lon

where I live, almost all the members on POF are on match too. Go to a paid only site if you want to filter though a lot of the scuzz.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> Oh Geez....I have to go there tomorrow to the same classroom. I think I may message him and just be blunt and tell him that I don't want to "meet up."
> 
> I try to be straight out honest with people, but sometimes I find it hard. I definitely do not like his attention. I'm not someone that likes much attention anyway. I just have a hard time hurting people's feelings especially when I will see those people around.
> 
> But, you are so right in your reply. And you made me laugh! :smthumbup:


Laughter is the greatest medicine.  :smthumbup:

I have no problem with being direct. It's part of my charm. 

I should hire myself out to people like you who are too "nice." I can go up to a pest like this one and say that I'll break their arm if they don't leave you alone. :rofl:

Short of that, I would advise just saying that you aren't interested. Especially since you live in a small town and will likely see him from time to time. 

Can you tell that I'm NOT from a small town? Quite the opposite, I lived in NYC for 5 years and I think a lot of my "charm" came from that. 

I do tend to mind my manners when I do know that I'll see someone again. Soooo...

My advice is to be firm but polite. 

I haven't heard good things about POF, hence I'm not surprised by the things I've read here. I guess you could try Match. Those of my friends who are into the online dating thing seem to prefer it over POF. But yes, there is a lot of "cross pollination". 

You get that with Meetup groups too..the same faces keep popping up at different events with different groups. There are meetup groups I prefer over others. As I go to more meetup events I'm starting to figure out which events are more to my liking, which people I prefer to see over others, etc. There's definitely subtle differences. 

In general, when it comes to being online, I prefer to remain anonymous. I don't even have a Facebook account.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

ku1980rose:

A friend of mine here on TAM recommends a book:

"My answer is "No" if that's ok with you: How women can say no and (still) feel good about it." 

The author is Dr. Nanette Gartrell.

Can't vouch for the book cuz I haven't read it YET, but I can for my friend! Check it out, maybe you'll like it!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I've said this elsewhere; I live in a pretty large city and maybe that has something to do with the types that the various sites attract, BUT...

Generally I have found that free sites like POF have more of what Lon calls "scuzz". Since it costs nothing, they have nothing invested. I found it to be full of men looking for just sex, more possibly married men by the shadiness of their approach or sad souls who don't have the funds to date. (Not being judgmental but if you can't afford $25 a month for a membership, that means you can't afford $25 for dinner at Wendy's and a movie and I'm not looking to be a sugar momma).

This doesn't mean there aren't losers on paid sites but I find them to be fewer. Yes, they are often on both sites if looking for a LTR and some of the skeevy variety as well.

eHarmony sucks because your contact is too structured. I need to be able to send a quick 'feeler' email without going through all of the rigamarole only to find out they would never date someone who is a size 16. At least with match I can see what their physical preferences are and not get too hung up on someone who would only entertain someone 'slender' or 'athletic'.

OK Cupid seemed to have fewer members but better than POF.

I've actually met a lot of nice people from match - some didn't click, some I dated a short time but I also have a few I've kept in touch with for a long time.

All of my meet-ups seem to either be a) full of 20-30somethings OR on weeknights when places are more willing to host stuff for free. And I have to be a Mom all but 4 nights a month. 

It seems very, very many men my age started families way early (maybe why divorced?), have kids in college, grown or kids of their own and want me to be more available.

So online dating is much easier for me due to time constraints. Not quite ready to jump back in after the breakup.


----------



## ku1980rose

Well, thanks to the encouragement on here I told him I wasn't interested. I sent a message this morning and said, "I don't want to pursue this any further. Good luck in your search."

I did read his response. He replied, "Wow! Ok. Good luck in your search as well."

Wow???? Like he thought we had something going on? Our messages to each other didn't even have any substance. I was pretty vague in my answers to him. Just being polite. And sometimes I was outright rude. But, I feel better now that I basically told him to quit contacting me.

I'm usually not bad at telling people how I feel. I already told one really nice guy that I decided I wasn't interested in a date because he had three kids. He was ok with that. Just thanked me for being honest. 

I guess it's hard for me when I sense that the person will "feel bad." I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, although I don't want to give them false hopes either. I guess that's probably how I ended up in my crappy 2 1/2 year marriage to an insecure, emotional, needy idiot. Part of it was that I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Sounds idiotic when I say it aloud, but it's probably true.

I like to think I'm stronger than that and just made a mistake in a time of weakness in my life. I've done pretty well with dating otherwise. Don't stay in relationships that aren't going to work out.

As for POF and match....living in a very rural, less-populated area, there are definitely more people on POF, but still not a lot to choose from. I do like match better. However, douches like the guy above seem to be on both. Probably because he is way to insecure to date in "real life." 

Fortunately for me, because of my ex, I now know that insecurity is a huge RED FLAG for me!! I've been with an insecure man and it's not worth it! I'm looking for someone more confident now!


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> It seems very, very many men my age started families way early (maybe why divorced?), have kids in college, grown or kids of their own and want me to be more available.
> 
> So online dating is much easier for me due to time constraints. Not quite ready to jump back in after the breakup.


I would agree with both of these statements. I got married young and here i am. However, I don't really require a woman who is a mom to be "more available". Life is life and such is this life of being divorced. I expect ppl I date to be good parents and not put dating ahead of their kids. You are available when you are available. If I happen to be available or can move things around, I will. There are way too many lonely dudes out there trying to feed their codependency which is rampant amount males.

As far as online dating, I hated it. Most of my dates ended up being wastes of time. They were way to eager to say what they thought you wanted to hear. So, I've gone traditional. I meet people wherever I can. Working pretty well so far.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Just got a 'mail' today from a guy on POF. He's 26yo. and I'm 56yo. Yep, has my age right on my profile. I would feel like a perv.

I seem to be drawing the 20-somethings and the 60-somethings...with NOTHING in between.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

My eHarmony subscription and I'm so weary (not ware, WEARY) of what I see on Match.com and other sites that I've given up on them all. I hid my profile. 

I think I'm just going to entertain myself with what I see around me and smile at what I like more. 

Dance is dance. I don't go there to meet dates/relationship material. I go to dance. It's fun, an escape.

I have no idea where I'll find a relationship, and I have no clue what it would look like, played out in actuality.

I'm willing to be surprised.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Dedicated2Her said:


> As far as online dating, I hated it. Most of my dates ended up being wastes of time. They were way to eager to say what they thought you wanted to hear. So, I've gone traditional. I meet people wherever I can. Working pretty well so far.


I'm not going to even try. It's too much work, time and effort. I have a friend who is on all the sites and hands out business cards to potential dates! This is a very sharp, good looking women but she seems awfully preoccupied with getting dates. I guess it's one of her hobbies. 

I got better things to do with my time. Honestly, I'm so busy I don't even know when I'd have the time to go out with perfect strangers anyway.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> Well, thanks to the encouragement on here I told him I wasn't interested. I sent a message this morning and said, "I don't want to pursue this any further. Good luck in your search."
> 
> I did read his response. He replied, "Wow! Ok. Good luck in your search as well."


:smthumbup: You did good. Who knows what was in his head? At this point..who cares?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Freak On a Leash said:


> :smthumbup: You did good. Who knows what was in his head? At this point..who cares?


He knows what he was doing.
Honestly, I think there is some site that tells men to say "Wow" if and when they are called out for this behavior. I've had it said to me a few times. The player's manual must have been updated with fresh responses :rofl:


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> He knows what he was doing.
> Honestly, I think there is some site that tells men to say "Wow" if and when they are called out for this behavior. I've had it said to me a few times. The player's manual must have been updated with fresh responses :rofl:


:lol: :iagree: I think some of these guys are going by the same instruction manual that they had when they were 16 years old.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Dedicated2Her said:


> I would agree with both of these statements. I got married young and here i am. However, I don't really require a woman who is a mom to be "more available". Life is life and such is this life of being divorced. I expect ppl I date to be good parents and not put dating ahead of their kids. You are available when you are available. If I happen to be available or can move things around, I will. There are way too many lonely dudes out there trying to feed their codependency which is rampant amount males.
> 
> As far as online dating, I hated it. Most of my dates ended up being wastes of time. They were way to eager to say what they thought you wanted to hear. So, I've gone traditional. I meet people wherever I can. Working pretty well so far.


Good to know a man's point of view. I married young which was a mistake but I stayed (stubborn) and didn't have my daughter until I was nearly 31. I sort of hoped I'd meet someone else who started their family in their 30's so I could enjoy having more children in my life but I think as I approach 45 the likelihood of that is quickly diminishing.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Don't worry, as you approach 50 your daughter will be in college and maybe you'll meet someone with grown children as well and you won't have to deal with them. That's the good part of getting older. 

I had my daughter at 31 and then my son at 34. At 37 I got my tubes tied. :smthumbup:


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

lol I had my eldest when I was 26, my next when I was 36 and my daughter right before I turned 40. When we are all together most people assume that my eldest is my younger brother, or that I must have had him when I was in my teens. :-o

I'm not looking to involve my kids in my dating life.
They know my friends, men and women alike, but they're not always included in things that I do with my friends. But I think I would keep them out of my dating life at this point, just not looking to do any kind of combined household. I'm too used to parenting on my own. But who knows. Some kids will go out and find their own step-parent, lol. Crafty little buggers.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

I told my son he won't even know if I'm dating or not. My daughter has been wanting me to get a boyfriend for years.  I've pretty much kept her in the loop about my dating life (such that it is..the 1 guy who pretty much blew me off ) just because we have that kind of relationship. Didn't say a word to my son about it. 

He's had enough to adjust to without throwing in dates and boyfriends. It's important to him that he have some semblence of a family unit still and my STBXH and I are committed to maintaining that the best we can. 

Blended families DEFINITELY aren't in my future. Other than a "Hi" or "Bye" I really don't want to be involved in anyone else's family life. I won't get in the way but I have no desire to be involved either. I have enough going on with my own kids and don't need or want to deal with someone else's.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I like kids. So I would never say never. If value systems were similar and all the kids were in agreement, and in a big enough and organized enough household, the possibility might exist. It would definitely have to feel right and to have stood the test of time, meaning a couple years beforehand.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Yeah, I'm sort of resigned to the idea that there won't be anyone special in my life until she's moved out. 

It's sort of sad because I had hoped that I would meet someone right away and have siblings and a good father-figure for her. I used to feel that it would do her some good to share the spotlight and to have a decent man as an example for her vs her Dad.

And then I thought I could still do well on the man side with last boyfriend. But now by the time I meet someone and get serious, he'll just be "Mom's husband". I really wanted to meet someone in time for her to develop a fatherly relationship with him.


----------



## COGypsy

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yeah, I'm sort of resigned to the idea that there won't be anyone special in my life until she's moved out.
> 
> It's sort of sad because I had hoped that I would meet someone right away and have siblings and a good father-figure for her. I used to feel that it would do her some good to share the spotlight and to have a decent man as an example for her vs her Dad.
> 
> And then I thought I could still do well on the man side with last boyfriend. But now by the time I meet someone and get serious, he'll just be "Mom's husband". I really wanted to meet someone in time for her to develop a fatherly relationship with him.


I wouldn't worry too much about how she sees someone you might be involved with down the line. In my experience it depends on the man and the relationship they have rather than the date. 

My mom and stepdad started dating my senior year in high school. Let's just say that was a considerable time ago . By the time he was in the picture, I wasn't living at home for anything other than school breaks. However as far as I'm concerned, I am one of the luckiest girls in the world to have two incredible and amazing dads. Sure, I consider him "Mom's husband", but that because he is. I call him "Pop" most of the time and when we're out together, we introduce ourselves as father and daughter. Mathematically speaking, we realized just this year that I'd now known him longer than I hadn't. 

He and I have a very special relationship that I wouldn't trade for anything and just because we never fought about chores or whatever doesn't make him any less of a fatherly influence in my life. If anything, our lack of cohabitation probably made it easier for us to build a relationship. He taught me how to shoot, drive anything on four or more wheels, negotiate job offers and generally be a braver person. My life literally would not be the same if he hadn't been a part of it. And yet, I was old enough to vote by the time I even met him.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Just PERMANENTLY BLOCKED my first person on POF! :rofl:

Guy sends me a mail. I read his profile: first of all after his UserName it says "I'm a big deal!" Ugh! 

Then I read his profile and he is YET ANOTHER guy complaining about how people 'judge' other people based on what they write 'in the little box' (ie. your profile/likes/dislikes). Nothing about his interests, just his small diatribe about JUDGERS. So I figure, nope...got NO INTEREST in this guy. So I write back:



> I respect your right to your opinion and my right to mine. The ONLY things on which I can judge people on POF is either (a) what they write or (b) what they look like. What they write is much less shallow and IS something over which they have control (unlike their genetics).
> 
> It would take me A LONG TIME to personally meet (at a mutually convenient time) with EVERY GUY who writes me. Why would I expend that much time with someone whose past-times do NOT pique my interest? It would be a poor use of the limited free time we both possess.
> 
> Thank you for writing to me, but I would not be interested in seeing you socially. Good luck in 2013 in your quest to find someone.
> 
> [my UserName]


So he send me a response almost immediately:



> You judge people on what they write? How shallow!


Apparently, he either doesn't read English, or can't follow a logical argument. Yep! I am a shallow judger of a-holes! People who think they're "A BIG DEAL" and have nothing positive to say either about themselves or what their goals are, people who don't understand my above-stated POV, people who want me to meet up with them JUST BECAUSE "they" would like it!

Piss-off, jack-hole!


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Just PERMANENTLY BLOCKED my first person on POF! :rofl:
> 
> Guy sends me a mail. I read his profile: first of all after his UserName it says "I'm a big deal!" Ugh!
> 
> Then I read his profile and he is YET ANOTHER guy complaining about how people 'judge' other people based on what they write 'in the little box' (ie. your profile/likes/dislikes). Nothing about his interests, just his small diatribe about JUDGERS. So I figure, nope...got NO INTEREST in this guy. So I write back:
> 
> 
> 
> So he send me a response almost immediately:
> 
> 
> Apparently, he either doesn't read English, or can't follow a logical argument. Yep! I am a shallow judger of a-holes! People who think they're "A BIG DEAL" and have nothing positive to say either about themselves or what their goals are, people who don't understand my above-stated POV, people who want me to meet up with them JUST BECAUSE "they" would like it!
> 
> Piss-off, jack-hole!


Admit it though, you got some satisfaction out of the whole interaction with him, or if you weren't really interested at all you wouldn't even have bothered to reply


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I would not have even bothered to reply, there is a little X button on Match that you can use to delete men who have shown an interest in you that you don't care for. I'm a rapid-fire type. I'm always surprised if there are any guys left in my interest list when I'm done :-o


----------



## Lon

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I would not have even bothered to reply, there is a little X button on Match that you can use to delete men who have shown an interest in you that you don't care for. *I'm a rapid-fire type. I'm always surprised if there are any guys left in my interest list when I'm done :-o*


That (bold part) is hilarious and awesome HNU, I'm lolling.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> That (bold part) is hilarious and awesome HNU, I'm lolling.


The sad thing is they have a three-photo line-up and often I'll be looking at the one to the right vs. the one in the middle and X the guy in the middle that I might have been interested in. I don't stress about it though, collateral damage, not my fault a perfectly nice looking face got randomly presented next to one so unattractive to me that my reflexes kicked into action before my brain.

Sometimes I'll catch their username prior to them disappearing into cyberspace. lol. If it's not some sappy or weird one I might look them up. But luckin2010, brother, it must not have changed. It's 2013.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> lon:
> Admit it though, you got some satisfaction out of the whole interaction with him, or if you weren't really interested at all you wouldn't even have bothered to reply


See, *that* is totally untrue! I resent that remark.

Maybe it *IS* me! I read a gentleman's note that said he was disgusted that people didn't even have the courtesy to ANSWER a mail...not even to say, "No thanks, I wouldn't be interested." And I had to agree with him that it IS rude to leave someone just hanging there wondering and it doesn't take that long to say, "Thanks, but I'm not interested."

So, I have answered EVERY man who has taken the time to send me a 'mail'. (Not the ones who clicked 'interested', but didn't write me.)

Maybe I'm an idiot...I don't even know any more. I still write HANDWRITTEN thank-you notes for presents. It's the way I was brought up. I don't want to be *that b1tch* who can't be 'bothered' responding to people who don't interest me...you know the ones who think they're "10s" and can't be bothered (are actually 'insulted') when a "5" deigns to speak to them. I hate those people, and if that's what it takes to make it through those sites, then screw 'em all.

I don't know...right now I hate this shyt.


----------



## Lon

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> See, *that* is totally untrue! I resent that remark.
> 
> Maybe it *IS* me! I read a gentleman's note that said he was disgusted that people didn't even have the courtesy to ANSWER a mail...not even to say, "No thanks, I wouldn't be interested." And I had to agree with him that it IS rude to leave someone just hanging there wondering and it doesn't take that long to say, "Thanks, but I'm not interested."
> 
> So, I have answered EVERY man who has taken the time to send me a 'mail'. (Not the ones who clicked 'interested', but didn't write me.)
> 
> Maybe I'm an idiot...I don't even know any more. I still write HANDWRITTEN thank-you notes for presents. It's the way I was brought up. I don't want to be *that b1tch* who can't be 'bothered' responding to people who don't interest me...you know the ones who think they're "10s" and can't be bothered (are actually 'insulted') when a "5" deigns to speak to them. I hate those people, and if that's what it takes to make it through those sites, then screw 'em all.
> 
> I don't know...right now I hate this shyt.


I think I understand what you are saying (I am even the one who wrote the comment about women who don't even acknowledge a message in kind), and I sincerely wish everyone was as kind as you.

It just seemed to me that you weren't exactly kind in your reply to him? and in fact you never even did say what he wrote in his message to you, you just said what he wrote in his profile, and your written response to him was about that... maybe I would have replied to your post here differently if you had wrote what he actually said in his message TO YOU (ie the first one) instead of just what he had on his profile.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> See, *that* is totally untrue! I resent that remark.
> 
> Maybe it *IS* me! I read a gentleman's note that said he was disgusted that people didn't even have the courtesy to ANSWER a mail...not even to say, "No thanks, I wouldn't be interested." And I had to agree with him that it IS rude to leave someone just hanging there wondering and it doesn't take that long to say, "Thanks, but I'm not interested."
> 
> So, I have answered EVERY man who has taken the time to send me a 'mail'. (Not the ones who clicked 'interested', but didn't write me.)
> 
> Maybe I'm an idiot...I don't even know any more. I still write HANDWRITTEN thank-you notes for presents. It's the way I was brought up. I don't want to be *that b1tch* who can't be 'bothered' responding to people who don't interest me...you know the ones who think they're "10s" and can't be bothered (are actually 'insulted') when a "5" deigns to speak to them. I hate those people, and if that's what it takes to make it through those sites, then screw 'em all.
> 
> I don't know...right now I hate this shyt.


I don't reply to anyone who shows any signs of crazy. If someone has a lot of negatives in their profile, or has a lot of dreamy positive stuff, I steer clear. But that's me. I work in linguistics, particularly in cognitive/psychological aspects of language. Some writing just screams out at me to avoid it. I don't want to be part of someone's fantasy or be part of stroking someone's ego inadvertently when they really need it (let them get therapy if they're that desperate...) Not just the words the sentence structure, self-references, too much emphasis on past, too much emphasis on future, too much self-reflection. 

It's subtle, but after a while you can read someone psychologically from their text and profile, and some men you really should not be replying to. 

And if you do, out of courtesy, and you know you're not interested, don't go further than "No thanks." That's sufficient, any more and yes you ARE signalling that you want to open up a discussion/dialog.To pretend that you're not shows a lack of communication skills. 

If you passed someone on the street and they said "Hey Baby!" and instead of ignoring them until you got down the street and then turning your head and giving a smile and a wave right before you turned the corner, and instead started in on him about watching his manners and attitude, you certainly are engaging in a dialog with him. None of this dropping verbal bombs and thinking you're going to run off. At the worst, you're inviting stalking behavior.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Okay, obviously I lack communication skills.

Any book suggestions for the LAYPERSON (I am not a neuro-linguistic anything).

Thanks.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Okay, obviously I lack communication skills.
> 
> Any book suggestions for the LAYPERSON (I am not a neuro-linguistic anything).
> 
> Thanks.


Online dating isn't for discussing dating or how someone should feel or behave or act. It's for finding someone you're compatible with. Think of it as a subway, like the Orange line in Boston, lol. Don't engage people unless you mean to continue the conversation. However that might be to continue. If you're there to date, feel free to ignore anything and everything that doesn't meet your objective. Filter. Do not try to establish any kind of reputation as being nice to people you will never meet in real life. On the subway, someone might try to get your attention, but if you can tell it's not someone you want to be involved with, or maybe know of but want to avoid, you simply get off the train, and get on the next car down, or circle around the station and catch the next train, or maneuver in the car if it's crowded so that the person can't see you. It's like having earphones in, even if you're not listening to anything, you can pretend you don't hear people.  Many people get lots of emails and winks and such on dating sites. It's unreasonable to reply to everyone. And unnecessary, and even dangerous. Treat it like the real world, if some sleaze came up to you in a bar after you heard him spewing stuff you didn't agree with, there are a lot of nonverbal things you can do to discourage him or even signal to him that you are not interested and he better clear off. Like starting a convo with someone you're with or want to be with or just someone who looks nice you can explain to later, thanks, that creep over there was approaching me, I appreciate the cover, or you can go chat up the bouncer and give the bouncer an eye towards the guy without saying anything about him...or head for the ladies or to the bartender to get a drink, bartender will handle sleaze for you or some other person at the bar will. The point is, you send a signal you're not interested, you're not going to be nice to guys just because they try to engage you. 

I'm not sure how old you are or how much experience you have, but trust me if you engage sleazes they are going to love the attention and the satisfaction of having got under your skin. And they will feel even more righteous about whatever it was that you 'discussed' with him. The takeaway for him is that this type of profile and thinking got him female attention, so he will keep it up. He got noticed and he got a reply, hooray, he will then contact more women who seem to have the same characteristics as you. And he might even persist beyond the point of reason, he will think he got a response from you, why not others? Ignoring someone is the right thing to do, in dating or in the subway or in the bar.

Now, if he had been someone you might have generally found acceptable but wanted to pass, a kind reply like thank you for the kind offer however I'm going to forgo the opportunity, would be okay. But there is no need to explain why. He won't care. All he cares is that the invite was received and you said thanks but no, but not because it was inappropriate or anything like that, and feel no need to stroke his ego or anything like that. You are 100% not responsible for someone else's dating success or failure unless you have specifically been asked for feedback, and even then you can decline to get involved.

Sorry I didn't mean to seem harsh but you do not need to be nice to everyone who looks at your profile. In fact, you can even block people you don't like looking at it, if you see repeats of men you're not interested in and they keep looking, block them before they start stalking in real life, as this is a red flag, especially if they live close. You will be doing them a favor as they might interpret the lack of being able to see your profile as a sign that you're dating someone and they will lay off the fantasy perve thing.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Okay, obviously I lack communication skills.
> 
> Any book suggestions for the LAYPERSON (I am not a neuro-linguistic anything).
> 
> Thanks.


The email you sent to this guy was inane. (not insane, inane.) lol.
That is, its purpose seemed to be to express some sort of anger or contempt to him. Not to get to know him better with a view towards dating. Just click on the X and move on! Delete his email if you don't like his profile. Especially if it has stuff that doesn't sit well with you. Only reply with a negative if you are GENUINELY SORRY that for one reason or another (logistics, type of job/relocation impossible, just don't like his face, he's not your physical type, spends a lot of time doing a hobby you know you don't like, etc.) that you cannot date the guy. But even then you don't need to give a reason and you should not. Be polite, keep it short, and then delete, X, and if he keeps looking, block.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

I guess that's a "NO" on the book suggestions; thanks anyway.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I guess that's a "NO" on the book suggestions; thanks anyway.


I don't have any book references on the subject.
Just a lot of therapy and experience. 

I think about a year ago there was something going around like "Why Men Like B*tches" and its followup book. It generally points in the right direction on how to be assertive. The thing is, a lot of books are focused on how to attract men, but in constructing your life's environment you also need to know how to efficiently filter out the undesirable elements of your life, including men who don't meet your criteria, for whatever reason, for being friends or dates or whatever (mentor, boss, colleague, workout partner, lover...) 

I haven't yet come across a book that teaches people how to un-nice themselves to the extent where they don't allow people in who shouldn't be 'in.' Most books are focused on how to be nice and win friends, and dates, be more attractive. The thing is, you don't want to practice being assertive or practice being nice to people you don't care to have in your life at all. Practice being assertive when you've let someone in but want to monitor/control how close they get (should be appropriate to length of time they've known you, etc.) and practice being friendly to people who are genuinely capable of returning the favor.

I'm not saying it's wrong to help people in need, but even then you would need to practice some distancing because then it is a matter of protecting their dignity...if you are too nice and giving and sharing and all that, you're going to insult their dignity. No matter how pathetic someone's situation is, they want to stand on their own two feet.

BUT there are a lot of people in the world that you need to learn to shut out. It doesn't happen a whole lot now, but it used to be that scammers and other sorts would come around door to door. I was taught from an early age you do not open any kind of dialog with these people and you don't open the door to them. The gypsies used to send their kids to the door and those kids I would give them sandwiches and clothes if they needed some. No problem. I also give money to indigents in the city especially when it's cold out and they look like they could use something hot to drink or eat. And have helped people when it was clear they were disabled and were going to have difficulty getting themselves, their luggage and their little kid from a T stop to the train station. (I even got another person to help, too, we all spent the morning together and it was a great experience, the little boy and I were fast friends when we parted at the train.)


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I guess that's a "NO" on the book suggestions; thanks anyway.


I don't have any book references on the subject.
Just a lot of therapy and experience. 

I think about a year ago there was something going around like "Why Men Like B*tches" and its followup book. It generally points in the right direction on how to be assertive. The thing is, a lot of books are focused on how to attract men, but in constructing your life's environment you also need to know how to efficiently filter out the undesirable elements of your life, including men who don't meet your criteria, for whatever reason, for being friends or dates or whatever (mentor, boss, colleague, workout partner, lover...) 

I haven't yet come across a book that teaches people how to un-nice themselves to the extent where they don't allow people in who shouldn't be 'in.' Most books are focused on how to be nice and win friends, and dates, be more attractive. The thing is, you don't want to practice being assertive or practice being nice to people you don't care to have in your life at all. Practice being assertive when you've let someone in but want to monitor/control how close they get (should be appropriate to length of time they've known you, etc.) and practice being friendly to people who are genuinely capable of returning the favor.

I'm not saying it's wrong to help people in need, but even then you would need to practice some distancing because then it is a matter of protecting their dignity...if you are too nice and giving and sharing and all that, you're going to insult their dignity. No matter how pathetic someone's situation is, they want to stand on their own two feet.

BUT there are a lot of people in the world that you need to learn to shut out. It doesn't happen a whole lot now, but it used to be that scammers and other sorts would come around door to door. I was taught from an early age you do not open any kind of dialog with these people and you don't open the door to them. The gypsies used to send their kids to the door and those kids I would give them sandwiches and clothes if they needed some. No problem. I also give money to indigents in the city especially when it's cold out and they look like they could use something hot to drink or eat. And have helped people when it was clear they were disabled and were going to have difficulty getting themselves, their luggage and their little kid from a T stop to the train station. (I even got another person to help, too, we all spent the morning together and it was a great experience, the little boy and I were fast friends when we parted at the train.)

But dating sites are for dating. Not for being part of a community. It's a singular type of experience. Other men are not able to judge you (positively or negatively) the way they would if you were in a social setting and your manners and demeanor were being observed. It's a tool for identifying people you want to be in a social environment with. A pre-selection sort of thing. Not a real-time environment. So, the rules are different than how you might act in real life.

The guy you pass over is not someone you are going to see in church or at the grocery store or the local mentally ill guy who spends his time at the library talking to people about interesting subjects (and yes, you have to take your turn in a small town, engaging and listening, but also making sure you draw the line...)

I just realized, I worked in a psych hospital where a lot of the patients had privileges to be almost anywhere in the public spaces of the hospital, so I do have a lot of experience with listening while also setting boundaries. Time is one of those boundaries...you have to limit the amount of time you spend with someone you don't want to engage further... so you have to be in tune with your gut reactions, respect them, and act on them. If you let a convo or email conversation go on for too long with someone you don't want to be conversing/interacting with, the longer it goes on the more difficult it is to dismiss them without feeling guilt. Learn to turn as soon as you see the dead end sign, once you progress past that, it might be difficult to find a place to reverse direction. Backing up is awkward. In that case, just block and delete. Don't even try to find a way to bring closure. Closure is for real relationships, not train wrecks.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Online dating is exhausting....that is all. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I guess that's a "NO" on the book suggestions; thanks anyway.


My dear, you don't need a book, and your communication skills are just fine. You did nothing "wrong" that is just how dating, online specifically, goes. And when it finally works out to get something good out of it, it will have been worth it. You can make it whatever you want, you can reply to, ignore and enjoy any part of it in any way you like and the best part is nobody can force you to do otherwise so just have fun with it and dont worry about what any of any of us on here tell you what to do.

Be yourself and keep at it you will eventually connect (it really is just like fishing, sometimes the pond is pretty fished out but there can still be some good ones if you wait it out)


----------



## ku1980rose

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Just got a 'mail' today from a guy on POF. He's 26yo. and I'm 56yo. Yep, has my age right on my profile. I would feel like a perv.
> 
> I seem to be drawing the 20-somethings and the 60-somethings...with NOTHING in between.


What is it with the 20 something guys? Like I said before, they all try to tell me how "mature" they are. If you have to say you are mature then you aren't old enough. I'm in my 30s now and I don't have to go around telling people I'm "mature."


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## ku1980rose

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> See, *that* is totally untrue! I resent that remark.
> 
> Maybe it *IS* me! I read a gentleman's note that said he was disgusted that people didn't even have the courtesy to ANSWER a mail...not even to say, "No thanks, I wouldn't be interested." And I had to agree with him that it IS rude to leave someone just hanging there wondering and it doesn't take that long to say, "Thanks, but I'm not interested."
> 
> So, I have answered EVERY man who has taken the time to send me a 'mail'. (Not the ones who clicked 'interested', but didn't write me.)
> 
> Maybe I'm an idiot...I don't even know any more. I still write HANDWRITTEN thank-you notes for presents. It's the way I was brought up. I don't want to be *that b1tch* who can't be 'bothered' responding to people who don't interest me...you know the ones who think they're "10s" and can't be bothered (are actually 'insulted') when a "5" deigns to speak to them. I hate those people, and if that's what it takes to make it through those sites, then screw 'em all.
> 
> I don't know...right now I hate this shyt.


I also try to answer, "Thanks, but I'm not interested" unless they are being a complete douche from the beginning.

But, I've also found that answering makes some of these guys think there is a chance with me. Just because I'm polite doesn't mean I am interested. I think some of these guys are so lonely that they take any kind of attention as good attention.

And I understand about sending a message as you did. Sometimes I get so sick and tired of reading the crap people put in their profiles and I just want to say something about it! 

What I get tired of hearing is "NO DRAMA!" Like anyone is going to admit they are going to start drama. And that just tells me that he probably has some baggage he is still dealing with.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't reply to anyone who shows any signs of crazy. If someone has a lot of negatives in their profile, or has a lot of dreamy positive stuff, I steer clear. But that's me.
> 
> And if you do, out of courtesy, and you know you're not interested, don't go further than "No thanks." That's sufficient, any more and yes you ARE signalling that you want to open up a discussion/dialog..


:iagree: :iagree: That would be my "MO" as well. Just do nothing at all or say "thanks, but no thanks" and utilize the blocking feature if necessary. The less said, the better. 

Sometimes too much is just that..too much. I go by the KISS rule.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Dedicated2Her said:


> Online dating is exhausting....that is all. Lol


Seems so. One reason I won't engage in it. Seems like a lot of work for such little payback. 

As Spock would say: "I don't see the logic in that".


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

It is difficult to remember the difference between different kinds of online stuff: work, socializing such as FB, here on TAM and other forums where discussion is warranted and the whole point really, and then dating, and also stuff like CL and eBay. There are so many different nuances of online communities and communication, it's easy to see why someone would say read a Match profile and then feel compelled to have a discussion about it, blurring the lines between a place like TAM and the dating site.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> If you have to say you are mature then you aren't old enough. I'm in my 30s now and I don't have to go around telling people I'm "mature."


My daughter is 18 and the boy she's dating is definitely mature. He'd make a great husband and father. Do you really want that at 18? I don't think she does and that's a problem in their relationship. Makes me feel better being her mother though.  

I'm at the age where "mature" is a bad word. If you are 45+ and tell me you're "mature" I'll roll on the floor laughing. I think the last time I wanted to hear that was when I was in my early 20s and maybe even then it wasn't considered a positive in my book. 

I never, ever say I'm mature. Quite the opposite. I'm immature and proud of it. :smthumbup:


----------



## Dedicated2Her

ku1980rose said:


> What is it with the 20 something guys? Like I said before, they all try to tell me how "mature" they are. If you have to say you are mature then you aren't old enough. I'm in my 30s now and I don't have to go around telling people I'm "mature."


I agree. I'm 34, and I like older women. I'm seeing a 34, 39, and 42 year old. Crazy thing, the 42 year old gets the majority of my attention because we hit it off so well. I would never tell her "I'm mature." I would just say, "I prefer to date older women."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'm at the age where "mature" is a bad word. If you are 45+ and tell me you're "mature" I'll roll on the floor laughing. I think the last time I wanted to hear that was when I was in my early 20s and maybe even then it wasn't considered a positive in my book.
> 
> I never, ever say I'm mature. Quite the opposite. I'm immature and proud of it. :smthumbup:


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I'm not quite at the age where I would fit into the "mature" category and I wouldn't like to be called mature. So if any guy would think that calling himself "mature" would make me interested then he has another think coming! :rofl:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Maure to me equates to being a bit of a stick in the mud.
Like the person who doesn't want to go to the movies or buy popcorn because you can stay home and watch a DVD or something online and have it from the air popper. Or it's stupid to go downhill skiing or dancing because you can stay home and do jumping jacks and pushups for exercise. Or that you need to get a steady job (that in the end pays only as much as you're making already on your own doing contract work, and not nearly as much fun or variety or skill building or time off/flexibility.) If that's mature, I'm staying a kid forever. Phhhhhht.


----------



## working_together

So I finally went to a meet up group for single parents and their kids. It was a bowling activiity near my home, and I sucked it up and went. We had a blast, my kids loved the socializing, and weirdly, the organizer is a woman I see every day at my kids school. I was relieved when I saw her. I also brought my sister and her b/f...lol. So, I guess I will attend other events. Of course there is always a creepy kind of dude looking to meet women, I made it pretty clear that I was looking to meet women with kids around the same age as mine....lol, maybe he thought lesbian...


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Mature to me doesn't mean boring and over the hill - to me it means being able to balance responsibilities and desires in life.

I know when I can have fun and when I REALLY need to take care of business. I can say 'screw the laundry, I have one clean [fill in blank] and go off for a day of fun. I feel 'maturity' is most important in ability to communicate. Not letting all of the insecurities and hang-ups of youth dictate what I say or do now.

I think we are all in agreement and it's really just semantics, though.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Oh, and random on the online dating topic...

YEARS ago (like 8) I met a guy on match. We dated a few times. I told him I wasn't feeling it, he was pleasant, we parted.

Two years later he saw me on match again and said hi, remember me... well I remember I had the best time on a date I'd had in years so we decided to go out again as friends (each pays way, no romance)

We did stuff together for YEARS while telling our random dating stories. 18 months ago we took a platonic trip which ended up not platonic. Then 2 weeks later he broke it off saying it was a mistake to cross the friend line.

I was angry (OK, hurt) but got over it and we've been pleasant, conversing once a month on random stuff. Told him about boyfriend and of course then the break up. Asked if he wanted to go to a local quirky food place I've never been to (part of resolution!) and he said sounds like fun.

Now I'm getting the idea he wishes he hadn't broken things off. He's been calling, texting, funny facebook messages... and he's definitely NOT only in it for sex. Just not that kind of guy.

However... there is a deal breaker. He doesn't french kiss. I find it odd and I LOOOVE making out - it's what gets me hot and in the mood and I can't imagine never kissing like that ever again - we'd definitely have to discuss that. He also doesn't do oral but doesn't expect it, either. I enjoy giving but OK... I'm fine without it pending other skills and he has those. 

Part of me feels like this is going backwards and it's never good to stop moving forward in life. Another part of me knows we are SOOOOO good together in every other way. 

Maybe it's the loneliness of missing boyfriend; maybe it's just that I'm tired of looking. Maybe he really is right for me and he just figured it out. 

Can someone please smack me upside the head and straighten me out?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Satya said:


> Throwing my lot in here now! Wish I could give helpful advice but I guess I'm looking for it myself.
> 
> So this isn't online per se, but I met a guy while out at a club (which I never would have been at if my friends hadn't dragged me out). This man asked for my number after we had a very brief chat and we've been chatting on the phone a bit once a night for the last 4 evenings.
> 
> He's significantly older (I'm 32) and I did not know this until a mutual friend told me (blame strobe lights). We are almost opposites and I can't help but point it out as more unfolds. I'm a workaholic trying to reform, he parties weekday evenings. He's a night owl, I am early riser extraordinaire. Gah, we are trying to just meet for drinks then this bloody Nemo comes through and delays that. I feel like he deflates over the phone because I struggle for conversation and I'm GOOD at witty banter, I just can't find a foothold with him.
> 
> He's also kind of as deep as a puddle in conversation. I'm trying to figure out if that's because maybe he just hates the phone or something. It makes me feel guilty saying that but I work with a combo of nerds and suits so there is always something to chew on. With this guy I've got nothing.
> 
> I also am a talker. Trying to be more of a listener but there's not much he says until the well is dry. I hope in person convo is better.
> 
> Anyone have any thoughts for me? I don't want to be ageist but I'm not really keen on someone that much older unless he is Mr. Awesome To Know. Does that make me shallow?


4 evenings in a row is a bit out of proportion to the time you know him in person, and also sets a bad precedent of letting him into your life too much. Now he knows you don't spend that time talking to anyone else, and that you're willing to give it to him. I don't think this is a situation that is now going to be easy to back off of, and it sounds like you might need to. Long term, he doesn't sound like the guy for you and as far as short-term would go, as in a brief fling, 4 nights of phone calls seems like a lot of your personal time, all things considered, whereas for him, it's likely something to do when he can't get out due to the storm, or in addition to going out. That is, he's investing in getting laid, but you are investing in, what? 

As far as going out to clubs, of course you would go with your friends. And why shouldn't you? I remember going to clubs in the Phoenix area when I was younger, and it was so much fun! I met a lot of nice guys, there was dancing, etc. Look for guys who are also out with their friends. For balance, you might want to try going out a bit more often, with your friends, as I suspect you will meet men who are more in line with what you're looking for. Or just to go out and have fun, dance with guys, hang out, exchange numbers if you like, but be careful of getting over involved. This talking on the phone 4 nights in a row...doubtful...

Strobe lights, lol.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Oh, and random on the online dating topic...
> 
> YEARS ago (like 8) I met a guy on match. We dated a few times. I told him I wasn't feeling it, he was pleasant, we parted.
> 
> Two years later he saw me on match again and said hi, remember me... well I remember I had the best time on a date I'd had in years so we decided to go out again as friends (each pays way, no romance)
> 
> We did stuff together for YEARS while telling our random dating stories. 18 months ago we took a platonic trip which ended up not platonic. Then 2 weeks later he broke it off saying it was a mistake to cross the friend line.
> 
> I was angry (OK, hurt) but got over it and we've been pleasant, conversing once a month on random stuff. Told him about boyfriend and of course then the break up. Asked if he wanted to go to a local quirky food place I've never been to (part of resolution!) and he said sounds like fun.
> 
> Now I'm getting the idea he wishes he hadn't broken things off. He's been calling, texting, funny facebook messages... and he's definitely NOT only in it for sex. Just not that kind of guy.
> 
> However... there is a deal breaker. He doesn't french kiss. I find it odd and I LOOOVE making out - it's what gets me hot and in the mood and I can't imagine never kissing like that ever again - we'd definitely have to discuss that. He also doesn't do oral but doesn't expect it, either. I enjoy giving but OK... I'm fine without it pending other skills and he has those.
> 
> Part of me feels like this is going backwards and it's never good to stop moving forward in life. Another part of me knows we are SOOOOO good together in every other way.
> 
> Maybe it's the loneliness of missing boyfriend; maybe it's just that I'm tired of looking. Maybe he really is right for me and he just figured it out.
> 
> Can someone please smack me upside the head and straighten me out?


Nope, not gonna do it!
It sounds like you and he are good friends and could be more.
More good friends or good friends and lovers.
It's your relationship and things like French kissing and oral and things you'd have to work out with him. No relationship is going to have it all and it's up to you to decide the trade-offs.

I have a very good guy buddy that I adore but he has some issues getting mentally organized and also needs to get his health in order. We have not crossed the line, ever. We hug and I know he thinks I'm very attractive and the honest truth is, when he is doing well he is very attractive...my friends also adore him. 

Crossing the line is a difficult thing to recover from. I think you guys will need to sit down and discuss what's what.

However, this relationship sounds very ummmm normal in terms of something that could last a long time, as does, I admit, mine.

Sometimes I avoid my friend so I don't have to deal with it. lol.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

EnjoliWoman said:


> Oh, and random on the online dating topic...
> 
> YEARS ago (like 8) I met a guy on match. We dated a few times. I told him I wasn't feeling it, he was pleasant, we parted.
> 
> Two years later he saw me on match again and said hi, remember me... well I remember I had the best time on a date I'd had in years so we decided to go out again as friends (each pays way, no romance)
> 
> We did stuff together for YEARS while telling our random dating stories. 18 months ago we took a platonic trip which ended up not platonic. Then 2 weeks later he broke it off saying it was a mistake to cross the friend line.
> 
> I was angry (OK, hurt) but got over it and we've been pleasant, conversing once a month on random stuff. Told him about boyfriend and of course then the break up. Asked if he wanted to go to a local quirky food place I've never been to (part of resolution!) and he said sounds like fun.
> 
> Now I'm getting the idea he wishes he hadn't broken things off. He's been calling, texting, funny facebook messages... and he's definitely NOT only in it for sex. Just not that kind of guy.
> 
> However... there is a deal breaker. He doesn't french kiss. I find it odd and I LOOOVE making out - it's what gets me hot and in the mood and I can't imagine never kissing like that ever again - we'd definitely have to discuss that. He also doesn't do oral but doesn't expect it, either. I enjoy giving but OK... I'm fine without it pending other skills and he has those.
> 
> Part of me feels like this is going backwards and it's never good to stop moving forward in life. Another part of me knows we are SOOOOO good together in every other way.
> 
> Maybe it's the loneliness of missing boyfriend; maybe it's just that I'm tired of looking. Maybe he really is right for me and he just figured it out.
> 
> Can someone please smack me upside the head and straighten me out?


He doesn't french kiss or go down?????? LOL, wut???? That's some of the most fun!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Enjoli:

This is NOT going to work, not in the LONG-TERM, and you KNOW this.

If you want a FWB scenario, then I say GO FOR IT!
If you want a long-term relationship, then I say WALK AWAY!

You ALREADY know YOU didn't 'feel it' intially.
You ALREADY knows HE thought it was a mistake to 'cross the line'.
You ALREADY know YOU would have to compromise on some MAJOR stuff in bed (no French-kissing, no oral, will it become more rigid/restrictive once you're more committed? I mean, is he extending himself in bed MORE than he cares to NOW because it's new and he's trying to 'court' you...once you're an established couple, will he tell you he's really uncomfortable with OTHER acts and not want to do them anymore?)

It is what it is; you can't make it be more/better/different/forever.

Make whatever choice you're going to with your eyes WIDE OPEN!

(hugs)


----------



## EnjoliWoman

HNU - we are SO compatible in this comfortable old couple way - we travel well together, can spend weekends together doing stuff and it's never boring, don't have to work at conversation, silences are comfortable - it's just EASY. And he has a lot of qualities I admire.

It took us a while (OK it took ME a while!) to be fine with being friends and we've only seen each other twice face to face since and it was easy enough. A bit awkward at hello but then we fell back into 'us as friends' pretty easily. 

But I can't imagine never kissing again. I'll see whether Saturday night is a "date" or just friends hanging out and will have to broach the subject if he wants more.

And yeah, Dedicated...

I have been with enough men to know that isn't the norm (thank goodness for us women!)


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Satya:

Doesn't make you shallow, just observant and discerning.

Doesn't sound like you're going to have ANYTHING in common with this man. Not physically, intellectually, emotionally, nothing.

He's older than mid-30s and STILL parties during the week?!? Sounds like an OLD frat-boy! Can't carry on a conversation on the phone? Sounds not very interesting. 

THIS is his 'best foot forward', THIS is him 'putting his best face on' to woo you into being interested in him. THIS is the BEST HE'S GOT...remember, he's TRYING TO WIN YOU OVER right now!

Is it working?

.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Enjoli:
> 
> This is NOT going to work, not in the LONG-TERM, and you KNOW this.
> 
> If you want a FWB scenario, then I say GO FOR IT!
> If you want a long-term relationship, then I say WALK AWAY!
> 
> You ALREADY know YOU didn't 'feel it' intially.
> You ALREADY knows HE thought it was a mistake to 'cross the line'.
> You ALREADY know YOU would have to compromise on some MAJOR stuff in bed (no French-kissing, no oral, will it become more rigid/restrictive once you're more committed? I mean, is he extending himself in bed MORE than he cares to NOW because it's new and he's trying to 'court' you...once you're an established couple, will he tell you he's really uncomfortable with OTHER acts and not want to do them anymore?)
> 
> It is what it is; you can't make it be more/better/different/forever.
> 
> Make whatever choice you're going to with your eyes WIDE OPEN!
> 
> (hugs)


And this is why, even though he feels so right and comfortable in many ways, I wonder if I'll miss the 'spark' enough that it will be a problem. And ex's are ex for a reason and it feels like going backwards if he wants more than friendship.

He's not a FWB guy - he assumed (sweetly) once we had sex that we were boyfriend/girlfriend and exclusive. Without even talking about it, really. And I don't know that I can do that, either.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Satya:
> 
> Doesn't make you shallow, just observant and discerning.
> 
> Doesn't sound like you're going to have ANYTHING in common with this man. Not physically, intellectually, emotionally, nothing.
> 
> He's older than mid-30s and STILL parties during the week?!? Sounds like an OLD frat-boy! Can't carry on a conversation on the phone? Sounds not very interesting.
> 
> THIS is his 'best foot forward', THIS is him 'putting his best face on' to woo you into being interested in him. THIS is the BEST HE'S GOT...remember, he's TRYING TO WIN YOU OVER right now!
> 
> Is it working?
> 
> .


Yup. :iagree:

How can I see this so clearly but not with my own relationships? :rofl: That's why this forum is so helpful.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Hey, Enjoli:

Maybe you're like me and you do better with assessing a relationship with the FACTS ONLY. Face-to-face, I don't do so well.

Maybe WRITING about your relationship on paper will help YOU see the right way to go with it?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Hey, Enjoli:
> 
> Maybe you're like me and you do better with assessing a relationship with the FACTS ONLY. Face-to-face, I don't do so well.
> 
> Maybe WRITING about your relationship on paper will help YOU see the right way to go with it?


Well, writing here helps. Bottom line is I would be settling. I would be settling for what's comfortable and never have that spark. Lots of marriages make it that way - we'd have a solid relationship but then would I be at risk for cheating when I met someone that I had chemistry with? I don't want to be that person.

I've just been single for a very long time, recently out of a relationship that was the best I'd ever had, feeling lonely with the holidays having just passed and V-day coming up.

I'll just have to get busy and keep my line in the sand drawn. I refuse to give up on the idea of love and marriage - 45 is still pretty young and I have a lot of great years I could share with the right one. The trick is in finding him. Thanks.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> Well, writing here helps. Bottom line is I would be settling. I would be settling for what's comfortable and never have that spark. Lots of marriages make it that way - we'd have a solid relationship but then would I be at risk for cheating when I met someone that I had chemistry with? I don't want to be that person.


WHEW....alright, let me give you some perspective. I did this. I had a very comfortable relationship over the summer and beginning of fall that was great. We had so much fun together. She is attractive, funny, pleasant, all the things I would be looking for. BUT, then along came someone that the chemistry was off the chart. OFF THE CHART! So, now it was, what do I do?

Well, the answer was simple, break up with a person who really had become such an amazing friend to pursue some magic. Well, here we are. I broke her heart...that sucked. Because, mine had been so broken through the last two years of my marriage. You don't want to be that person. 

So, now I'm in a different phase. I just can't make up my mind. I'm driving home last night from dropping my kids off and I get a text, "Where are you right NOW? If you are close, turn this way, and get here." Bahahahaha. It's just crazy. 

I think it is important for you to date people who are in the same place emotionally and mentally as you. For me, people who just got divorced are right where I am. Just fun friendships and dates where there are no expecations. It's like a breathe of fresh air for everyone involved. However, as a guy, I am the one that needs to filter and be careful of who I go deeper with and who I keep at surface.


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've just been single for a very long time, recently out of a relationship that was the best I'd ever had, feeling lonely with the holidays having just passed and V-day coming up.
> 
> I'll just have to get busy and keep my line in the sand drawn. I refuse to give up on the idea of love and marriage - 45 is still pretty young and I have a lot of great years I could share with the right one. The trick is in finding him. Thanks.


The age thing does make one worry. (I'm close to the same age) Finding the right one seems like almost a monumental task sometimes. Especially online. I've found a lot of desperation, a few psycho's and a bunch of lonely people. How many must one meet before they find something. It gets pretty old to me always having to introduce myself, make small talk, meet them then run away or be dumped before anything ever happens. Maybe I'm one of the desperate ones. I won't settle for anything, but I long for companionship. 

However I'm not that desperate. I've had a few people I emailed and it was like opening a floodgate. Non stop emails to me from them. Instant response if I reply. scary.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Satya said:


> You ALL are of course, right. As for talking on the phone, our convo is never more than 20-25 minutes each night. Add maybe 2-3 text messages per day. I'm not giving him all my free time as I have precious little lol. But the point was well made.
> 
> We are going out tomorrow with a small group. I will be observing and just enjoying myself. No expectations other than a fun evening. X


It is still quite a bit. Once every three days is the rule to keep it casual.  And in person about once every 10 days, along the same lines. Good to go in a group.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> It is still quite a bit. Once every three days is the rule to keep it casual. And in person about once every 10 days, along the same lines. Good to go in a group.


I would agree. I would also add that you need to throw a length of time in there if you find yourself doing more than 1 in 10 days. It's hard to adhere to sometimes. I just had to do it with one of the girls I've been talking too. 3 times in the past week. She won't see me for 2 weeks now.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Wow, even when I was serious it was a 15 minute call every evening (prior to texting plan 8 yrs ago) and the most recent fellow would text all day but never phoned (no reception at home).

The friend but more but not really, but but but... he phones, texts and skypes, depending on his mood.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

EnjoliWoman said:


> Wow, even when I was serious it was a 15 minute call every evening (prior to texting plan 8 yrs ago) and the most recent fellow would text all day but never phoned (no reception at home).
> 
> The friend but more but not really, but but but... he phones, texts and skypes, depending on his mood.


Texting all day would get a total cease and desist order from me! For me, and I know this could be wrong thinking if applied to all me, because some people do text all day with their SO and think nothing of it...over-texting like that comes across as controlling and even somewhat predatory...especially early on...when a guy notices what time you are going to shower or what time you eat lunch or go to class one day, and then expects it to be the same another day, my red flag warning goes off. lol remember the guy who I told I don't text when I work...and then he texted me and asked me what I was doing and I said working...and a few minutes later he texts me about his day, I didn't reply...then he texts me am I bugging you? I said, yes, I am working and he said Wow like I totally hurt his feelings. Now this was even a guy I told him to his face after first date I did not want to date. Idiot. I guess if he couldn't date me he figured he'd use me to stroke his ego. I should have agreed and charged him the same as my other (business) clients. If he wanted me to text him while I was working.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Yes, that would be annoying. But I don't mean he texted incessantly - just friendly. Always good morning and good night, asking how my day is, etc. nothing heavy, not stalkerish, not controlling. Just conversationally as I was able to reply.


----------



## ku1980rose

NoWhere said:


> However I'm not that desperate. I've had a few people I emailed and it was like opening a floodgate. Non stop emails to me from them. Instant response if I reply. scary.


I've had this, too. There's only one guy that I've enjoyed emailing back and forth so far. And he hasn't even asked for my phone number yet, which is nice. He is just asking me questions about myself and telling me things about him and I"m actually enjoying getting to know him.

Then there's the non-stop emails even when I don't reply. But, they don't even try to get to know me....

How r u?
Any plans this weekend?
Wuz up?
ur cute!
Night sweetie!

I'm so sick of that crap! And I don't reply and they keep sending me these messages, so I have to block them! :rofl:


----------



## ku1980rose

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Texting all day would get a total cease and desist order from me! For me, and I know this could be wrong thinking if applied to all me, because some people do text all day with their SO and think nothing of it...over-texting like that comes across as controlling and even somewhat predatory...especially early on...when a guy notices what time you are going to shower or what time you eat lunch or go to class one day, and then expects it to be the same another day, my red flag warning goes off. lol remember the guy who I told I don't text when I work...and then he texted me and asked me what I was doing and I said working...and a few minutes later he texts me about his day, I didn't reply...then he texts me am I bugging you? I said, yes, I am working and he said Wow like I totally hurt his feelings. Now this was even a guy I told him to his face after first date I did not want to date. Idiot. I guess if he couldn't date me he figured he'd use me to stroke his ego. I should have agreed and charged him the same as my other (business) clients. If he wanted me to text him while I was working.


I had one of these. I shouldn't have given him my number, but I thought he seemed normal and I was kind of interested in dating. But, then he kept texting and texting. He then texts me after midnight TWICE! With no response from me. I finally responded after the second time and said, "You cannot text me at that time of night. It is unacceptable. I told you my reasons for not wanting to go on a date with you and you texting me like that is not going to make me change my mind."

He finally responded a day later, "I'm sorry about texting so late. I just really liked you and hoped we could go on a date."

Like him texting a million times and texting at midnight or 1:00 am was going to make me change my mind. 

I haven' t responded and I think he finally got the hint.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Too cool, I was systematically x'ing reverse matches on Match rapid fire and came to this profile where the guy is writing a story about one of his earliest memories...only it was really very well written, and quite the cliffhanger. I had to email him to beg for the ending in person...
and mentioned that I was up at site (nnnnn) working on a project sometimes. 

So, after I sent the email, I read the rest of the profile, and he works in the same career field as me (programmer analyst, basically) at the same place (which is fairly large, after all.) Would be so cool to have someone to hang with up there. At the very least, I can badger him to tell me the rest of the story, even if he doesn't want to do it on a date.

I was killing time cruising through match waiting for some long queries to run...


----------



## working_together

EnjoliWoman said:


> Oh, and random on the online dating topic...
> 
> YEARS ago (like 8) I met a guy on match. We dated a few times. I told him I wasn't feeling it, he was pleasant, we parted.
> 
> Two years later he saw me on match again and said hi, remember me... well I remember I had the best time on a date I'd had in years so we decided to go out again as friends (each pays way, no romance)
> 
> We did stuff together for YEARS while telling our random dating stories. 18 months ago we took a platonic trip which ended up not platonic. Then 2 weeks later he broke it off saying it was a mistake to cross the friend line.
> 
> I was angry (OK, hurt) but got over it and we've been pleasant, conversing once a month on random stuff. Told him about boyfriend and of course then the break up. Asked if he wanted to go to a local quirky food place I've never been to (part of resolution!) and he said sounds like fun.
> 
> Now I'm getting the idea he wishes he hadn't broken things off. He's been calling, texting, funny facebook messages... and he's definitely NOT only in it for sex. Just not that kind of guy.
> 
> However... there is a deal breaker. He doesn't french kiss. I find it odd and I LOOOVE making out - it's what gets me hot and in the mood and I can't imagine never kissing like that ever again - we'd definitely have to discuss that. He also doesn't do oral but doesn't expect it, either. I enjoy giving but OK... I'm fine without it pending other skills and he has those.
> 
> Part of me feels like this is going backwards and it's never good to stop moving forward in life. Another part of me knows we are SOOOOO good together in every other way.
> 
> Maybe it's the loneliness of missing boyfriend; maybe it's just that I'm tired of looking. Maybe he really is right for me and he just figured it out.
> 
> Can someone please smack me upside the head and straighten me out?


I think that sexual chemistry is important, for me, it's a must. Someone who doesn't french kiss, or perform oral?? are you kidding? 

Maybe this guy would be just a friend who you can do the traveling and hanging out thing, and nothing more. Sometimes we settle because we are lonely, and want the companionship, and of course we all have needs...lol


----------



## EnjoliWoman

ku1980rose said:


> I've had this, too. There's only one guy that I've enjoyed emailing back and forth so far. And he hasn't even asked for my phone number yet, which is nice. He is just asking me questions about myself and telling me things about him and I"m actually enjoying getting to know him.
> 
> Then there's the non-stop emails even when I don't reply. But, they don't even try to get to know me....
> 
> How r u?
> Any plans this weekend?
> Wuz up?
> ur cute!
> Night sweetie!
> 
> I'm so sick of that crap! And I don't reply and they keep sending me these messages, so I have to block them! :rofl:


UG! If they can't formulate a sentence with complete words, for get it! Just a couple exploratory questions or sentence or two is all that is necessary. I hate getting the book fo their life (desperate) or the one liners. I'll answer them all - the second message can make or break it. If they continue to write a book I feel they are investing too much into me (one person) too soon. If it's not enough, I feel they are just fishing to see how many women they can line up.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

working_together said:


> I think that sexual chemistry is important, for me, it's a must. Someone who doesn't french kiss, or perform oral?? are you kidding?
> 
> Maybe this guy would be just a friend who you can do the traveling and hanging out thing, and nothing more. Sometimes we settle because we are lonely, and want the companionship, and of course we all have needs...lol


I can live without the oral (he's very attentive and good in other ways) but after the first couple kisses it was obvious that he wasn't into it (went to my neck and then no more french kisses) and THAT is an issue. 

I really really like being with him and it's just so easy. It's tempting to give up and settle. But I don't think I could travel with him again. Too tempting/easy for that to happen again. Just hanging out is fine.

Yeah, I deserve passion, too.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> However... there is a deal breaker. He doesn't french kiss. I find it odd and I LOOOVE making out - it's what gets me hot and in the mood and I can't imagine never kissing like that ever again - we'd definitely have to discuss that. He also doesn't do oral but doesn't expect it, either.


  :slap: That's amazing..you just described my STBXH. The man doesn't like to kiss. The man doesn't like anything "oral". It drove me nuts. Ugh. 

I meet another guy like that and I'm SO running away for the hills! 



Dedicated2Her said:


> He doesn't french kiss or go down?????? LOL, wut???? That's some of the most fun!


:smthumbup: :smthumbup: :iagree: Yeah..that's the attitude I like!


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> That's amazing..you just described my STBXH. The man doesn't like to kiss. The man doesn't like anything "oral". It drove me nuts. Ugh.
> 
> I meet another guy like that and I'm SO running away for the hills!


As you should. That's crazy. Any dude that tells you that touching tongues doesn't do anything for him has some straight up issues. It gives me butterflies. And no oral? Man, not only are the girls missing out, but dang.......I love that stuff. 

Or, maybe he just sucks at it and has no self esteem?


----------



## Freak On a Leash

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> THIS is his 'best foot forward', THIS is him 'putting his best face on' to woo you into being interested in him. THIS is the BEST HE'S GOT...remember, he's TRYING TO WIN YOU OVER right now!


:iagree: That was my rationale for pretty much ending my relationship (such that it was) with the guy who asked to date me and then showed little interest or initiative on his part when it came to actually asking me out on a date. If this is how he was when he was just starting the relationship and it was bad how could it get better from there? :scratchhead:

Always go with your gut. If phone conversation is important to you and he's not good at it and the fact that you are so opposite concerns you from the get-go then chances are it's not going to get better with time.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Dedicated2Her said:


> As you should. That's crazy. Any dude that tells you that touching tongues doesn't do anything for him has some straight up issues. It gives me butterflies. And no oral? Man, not only are the girls missing out, but dang.......I love that stuff.
> 
> Or, maybe he just sucks at it and has no self esteem?


My STBXH did a great job of messing with my head when it comes to sex. It's going to be a long time before I trust someone enough to relax and enjoy. 

We are talking some serious emotional abuse/mind f*cking. 
When it comes to sex, he has issues. I got the feeling it was a fear of intimacy. Near the end of our marriage I started feeling like he should just leave me a $100 bill on the nightstand before he left. It was pretty bad and demoralizing.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> I've had this, too. There's only one guy that I've enjoyed emailing back and forth so far. And he hasn't even asked for my phone number yet, which is nice. He is just asking me questions about myself and telling me things about him and I"m actually enjoying getting to know him.
> 
> Then there's the non-stop emails even when I don't reply. But, they don't even try to get to know me....
> 
> How r u?
> Any plans this weekend?
> Wuz up?
> ur cute!
> Night sweetie!
> 
> I'm so sick of that crap! And I don't reply and they keep sending me these messages, so I have to block them! :rofl:


I prefer emails to texting and phone calls. At least you can read emails on your own time and reply when you feel like it. I find phone calls intrustive and rarely answer my phone. I'll text back but having full scale conversations while texting is tiresome. 

Basically I use the phone for making plans. I like my socializing to be in person and the phone for planning to get together. 

I guess I prefer emails to everything else. I like to write.  I know I hide it well here but...:rofl:


----------



## NoWhere

ku1980rose said:


> I've had this, too. There's only one guy that I've enjoyed emailing back and forth so far. And he hasn't even asked for my phone number yet, which is nice. He is just asking me questions about myself and telling me things about him and I"m actually enjoying getting to know him.


 uhoh have I been emailing you?  That's pretty much how I've been doing it. Just being myself asking small questions and telling things about myself. Of course I'd be just as happy finding a good friend and though I want romance I really don't push it that much. Though there was one girl I ended up speaking with and the innuendo's and flirting got a little out of control. Turned out she was a bit crazy.


----------



## ku1980rose

NoWhere said:


> uhoh have I been emailing you?  That's pretty much how I've been doing it. Just being myself asking small questions and telling things about myself. Of course I'd be just as happy finding a good friend and though I want romance I really don't push it that much. Though there was one girl I ended up speaking with and the innuendo's and flirting got a little out of control. Turned out she was a bit crazy.


 maybe you have been emailing me! 

It is nice to just talk to this guy as friends. I'm not sure if it will turn into anything else, but we seem to have hit it off as friends. We have some things in common and he truly seems to want to get to know me. No flirting yet.


----------



## NoWhere

I really doubt it's the case, but you have to admit that would be cool to meet someone on a dating site and find out you two have been talking on TAM for months. 

As far as that girl who was flirting with me it got pretty bad. Some of the things she said I'd get banned for posting. Lol.
Should of seen a red flag there, but to tell you the truth it's been so long I kinda enjoyed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman

The more I've had time to dwell on it, the more I realize I love to kiss, I love to give oral, getting it is great... why should I limit myself just because someone else has some hang up? And there are probably more where that came from. I have very few. I need a 'teacher' for the other things but mostly open. I'm ready to trust - like REALLY TRUST someone. I never have and I won't leave this earth not experiencing that kind of loving relationship. Less than that is just passing time til death.

Thanks for the wake-up call.


----------



## NoWhere

Boy that sure sparks the imagination. What you trying to do to us guys on here. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Just thinking aloud, NoWhere - sometimes doing that, even though I'm writing, helps.


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> Just thinking aloud, NoWhere - sometimes doing that, even though I'm writing, helps.


LOL. I'm just messing with you! :smthumbup:

Then again when its been over a year just the slightest innuendo can stick in your head for hours. Then you have to think of really old people on a nude beach. That usually nips those thoughts in the bud, but is a rather unpleasant experience.


----------



## ku1980rose

EnjoliWoman said:


> The more I've had time to dwell on it, the more I realize I love to kiss, I love to give oral, getting it is great... why should I limit myself just because someone else has some hang up? And there are probably more where that came from. I have very few. I need a 'teacher' for the other things but mostly open. I'm ready to trust - like REALLY TRUST someone. I never have and I won't leave this earth not experiencing that kind of loving relationship. Less than that is just passing time til death.
> 
> Thanks for the wake-up call.


After my failed marriage, I've definitely learned not to settle. There are things that will turn me away from a guy so fast, such as problems with his ex, not being a good dad, having multiple kids with someone else, having low self-confidence. These are now my red flags. Things that I KNOW I can't deal with. It's ok to set some standards and stick to them!


----------



## NoWhere

Enjoli brings up a interesting subject on the oral thing. How do you find out early what the person you are dating is open too before wasting a long time with them only to find out they are against something you like sexually or are very closeminded/boring in bed. We are such a sexually repressed nation its impossible to bring up subjects like that without coming off as a creep or weirdo. I mean I'm not into anything freaky, but like most normal people I have my desires and fantasies. Sex is by far not the most important thing I look for in a woman, but it is a important part of any relationship IMO.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

NoWhere said:


> Enjoli brings up a interesting subject on the oral thing. How do you find out early what the person you are dating is open too before wasting a long time with them only to find out they are against something you like sexually or are very closeminded/boring in bed. We are such a sexually repressed nation its impossible to bring up subjects like that without coming off as a creep or weirdo. I mean I'm not into anything freaky, but like most normal people I have my desires and fantasies. Sex is by far not the most important thing I look for in a woman, but it is a important part of any relationship IMO.


I think it's easier for women MOST of the time. I find most men are open to most anything sexual that is relatively mainstream. I HAVE asked if they had any weird kinks I should know about (in a teasing manner and after quite a few dates) i.e. wearing women's undies. That usually makes them laugh. (The first one who doesn't...hmmm...that will be a conundrum.) 

It does seem to be the women who have sexual rules. I admit I have a few no-nos but nothing that has ruled out anyone I've been with. Boy this sounds like I've been around the block a lot - I haven't - I married at 20 and was married for 15 years and loyal for all of that time. 

I did have a guy take me to an amusement park and he offered to get a funnel cake. I'd never had one. He was VERY surprised and said I must not be adventurous. I asked how - he said in bed. It pissed me off so much that he would make assumptions based on a stupid funnel cake that I whispered in his ear "I swallow" and walked away... just so he knew he had made a mistake in assuming. And I never went out with him again.


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> I did have a guy take me to an amusement park and he offered to get a funnel cake. I'd never had one. He was VERY surprised and said I must not be adventurous. I asked how - he said in bed. It pissed me off so much that he would make assumptions based on a stupid funnel cake that I whispered in his ear "I swallow" and walked away... just so he knew he had made a mistake in assuming. And I never went out with him again.


 :rofl:

Well I'm in the same boat as you I was already dating then married in my mid 20's. My wife never was really adventurous in that area of our lives and I never really pushed it. Didn't bother me too much as I cared for her deeply. In retrospect my sex live was rather dull with her.

But I think that may be a detriment to who I am now since any kind of flirting overly excites me. Add to that I'm still vulnerable from the divorce and all a women has to do is flirt to win me over. lol. Hence why I've put dating on hold and I'm only out to meet friends.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I'll be gentle. 

j/k - last boyfriend is ex only because he dated too soon. He assured me he was ready and over it but really, he wasn't.  I was pretty sure he was 'the one', too. Ah well. Back to the drawing board. But now I'm the one who probably needs a bit more time. 

I realized it when I avoided driving down a street that took me past his neighborhood and I got choked up. Sort of a reality check.


----------



## NoWhere

Yeah I've had a few of those reality checks. Where something will cause a distant memory you forgot to come up and it just breaks your heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'll be gentle.


 Some of your posts say otherwise.


----------



## ku1980rose

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'll be gentle.
> 
> j/k - last boyfriend is ex only because he dated too soon. He assured me he was ready and over it but really, he wasn't.  I


I had this, too. He had been divorced much longer than me, but had also been married much longer than me. He said he was ready, but found out he wasn't. It did hurt, but we were only together a few months. However, he made me feel loved and that helped me to realize that I can be loved again.


----------



## NoWhere

ku1980rose said:


> However, he made me feel loved and that helped me to realize that I can be loved again.


That is what I feel I need.


----------



## ku1980rose

NoWhere said:


> That is what I feel I need.


It did help. Plus, the sex was amazing! And seeing as my husband of 2 1/2 years hadn't touched me for 2 of those years.....well, that was also something I needed. And, it reminded me of what I was missing out on by staying married to someone who wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as me. I definitely believe that sexual chemistry is important after my marriage.


----------



## NoWhere

I spend most of my time trying not to think about sex. For obvious reasons. lol


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## EnjoliWoman

NoWhere said:


> Some of your posts say otherwise.


I'm pretty traditional, actually.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> And seeing as my husband of 2 1/2 years hadn't touched me for 2 of those years.....well, that was also something I needed. And, it reminded me of what I was missing out on by staying married to someone who wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as me. I definitely believe that sexual chemistry is important after my marriage.


:iagree: Wow. My STBXH did that to me as well. He was hot and cold when it came to sex. How much does THAT screw around with your head and heart? A LOT.  You were smart to get out when you did. 

Except for a very short time my H was never one to lust after me. I always wanted him to grab at me and really WANT me. Most times he was very non demonstrative and not very affectionate. It was like being with a buddy rather than a lover. 

If I ever get involved with a guy again romantically he'd better want me badly and show it. I want a man who is really into me physically and emotionally. 

I was sensing a problem with the guy I was thinking of dating. He wasn't giving off that vibe so I wasn't too surprised at his noncommital attitude and was glad to cut him loose. I won't put up with that kind of crap again. 

Know what you want and go for it..and don't settle. :smthumbup:


----------



## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> :It was like being with a buddy rather than a lover.
> 
> If I ever get involved with a guy again romantically he'd better want me badly and show it. I want a man who is really into me physically and emotionally.
> :smthumbup:



My ex was more like a buddy or roommate than a lover. It really sucked the life out of me. Especially when he slept on the couch for almost a year. I know that most of it is that fact that he has no confidence in himself whatsoever, but if he wasn't willing to work on that, then I couldn't stay around forever.

The guy I dated right after my divorce was very attracted to me and I was very attracted to him - plus we got along really well and enjoyed doing things together. We had good sexual chemistry, but I probably had the higher sex drive! lol! But, he wouldn't turn me down AND he knew how to take control in the bedroom which was quite a turn on! :smthumbup:

So much better than having a man that is afraid to even look at you in case it comes across wrong. Or afraid to touch you in case you turn him down. OR when you have sex and all he does the whole time is say, "Is this ok? Are you ok?" Just have some confidence, man!!!!


----------



## Pbartender

I started out like this...



ku1980rose said:


> The guy I dated right after my divorce was very attracted to me and I was very attracted to him - plus we got along really well and enjoyed doing things together. We had good sexual chemistry, but I probably had the higher sex drive! lol! But, he wouldn't turn me down AND he knew how to take control in the bedroom which was quite a turn on! :smthumbup:


...with my STBXW, but ended up like this...



ku1980rose said:


> So much better than having a man that is afraid to even look at you in case it comes across wrong. Or afraid to touch you in case you turn him down. OR when you have sex and all he does the whole time is say, "Is this ok? Are you ok?" Just have some confidence, man!!!!


...precisely because she would jerk me around when it came to sex. If I tried to take control in the bedroom, she complain that I was being too pushy about sex and tell me I needed to back off a bit. I'd back off a little, and she'd complain that I didn't pay enough attention to her and she wanted more romance leading up to it. I'd take it slow and get romantic and she'd tell me to "Hurry up. You've got 10 minutes and then I need to get some sleep." So, nothing I did was right, everything I did was wrong... I started asking her what she wanted... "Is this ok? Are you ok?" And yeah, then she complains that I need to take charge. :banghead:

In the end, she was effectively telling me that she wasn't interested in sex anymore because I was doing exactly what she told me to do, and that I was addicted to sex, because I wanted it more than once a month.

So, yeah, now I realize that 9 times out of 10, she wasn't really interested in me romantically, and it was all just excuses to not have sex with me. Emotional manipulation, pure and simple, and it drove me crazy. I was quite literally afraid to touch her or look at her over worry about being rejected yet again.

It sucked then, and it sucks now.

I'm getting to the point where I'm going out and having fun with people, and I've run across a few women who've shown at least a little interest in me. I've discovered I'm great at making friends with them. I'll take them out to dinner or a movie or something, and it's great! But when it comes to going any farther than that, it's like I get stage fright... irrational nervousness that I might do something wrong, or move too fast, or not fast enough.

It's like being in Junior High again.


Pb.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> My ex was more like a buddy or roommate than a lover. It really sucked the life out of me. Especially when he slept on the couch for almost a year.


My husband didn't sleep on the couch but he might as well have. He slept as far away from me on the other side of our king sized bed fully dressed, in a sweater and jeans or sweatsuit. He would turn his back on me and not touch me.

Talk about demoralizing. We often didn't have sex for months. It was then that I got into being online until the wee hours of the morning. By the time I went to bed I didn't care what he was doing. Often he got up just an hour or two after I went to bed. 



> So much better than having a man that is afraid to even look at you in case it comes across wrong. Or afraid to touch you in case you turn him down. OR when you have sex and all he does the whole time is say, "Is this ok? Are you ok?" Just have some confidence, man!!!!


Oh there's worse. How about being told how bad a lover you are? Or being rushed to "finish". "What's taking you so long?" "Are you there yet?" Or he would just quit altogether when he figured I *should* be done. 

I can't imagine WHY it took me so long? It wasn't like I was under pressure or tense or nervous or anything...:slap: 

What's interesting is that I don't have these problems now. After years of this crap I figured out that there are OTHER ways to make yourself happy so in the end it was ME who told my husband that I wasn't interested in HIM anymore. 

Felt damn good to do so...


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> My husband didn't sleep on the couch but he might as well have. He slept as far away from me on the other side of our king sized bed fully dressed, in a sweater and jeans or sweatsuit. He would turn his back on me and not touch me.
> 
> Talk about demoralizing. We often didn't have sex for months. It was then that I got into being online until the wee hours of the morning. By the time I went to bed I didn't care what he was doing. Often he got up just an hour or two after I went to bed.
> 
> Oh there's worse. How about being told how bad a lover you are? Or being rushed to "finish". "What's taking you so long?" "Are you there yet?" Or he would just quit altogether when he figured I *should* be done.


Wow... This is exactly the sort of stuff I was talking about. The things your husband did describes what my wife used to do exactly.

In our king-sized bed, fully clothed, with her back turned to me and so far over that she's almost falling off the edge... That was her, alright.


Pb.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Yeah, that sucks, doesn't it. Better to sleep alone then be dealing with that crap. I am sleeping alone in that same king sized bed and I never feel as lonely as I did then. I rather like it actually. I don't get woken up by anyone snoring. 

I definitely think it was a mind f*ck game. A control thing or something..I don't know. But it's not good and I will never put up with that again. My days of lying there crying myself to sleep are over.

Thank goodness for online computer games. Basically that was what I did to delay going to bed as long as possible. Then he would tell me how horrible I was for staying up all night playing on the computer. :slap: I couldn't win.

Man, I LOOOOVVVEEE being single.


----------



## ku1980rose

So I got contacted by this guy on POF with no picture. I asked for one and he sent me a pic of two guys standing at a truck talking. He said he was the one in the yellow shirt. And the guy in the yellow shirt had his back toward the camera. Anyway I didn't really talk to him much after I found out he had 3 kids and because he was being so vague about pictures. Tonight he contacted me again after a week or so and I said: "I'm not really interested especially since the only picture you can provide is if your back."

He says: well that's pretty shallow. I sent you two pics of me. Oh well. Whatever.
Me: you sent one of your back. Look in previous messages. 
Him: well I've been told I'm a very handsome guy. Who cares. I'm looking for something deeper than looks anyway.
Me: looks has nothing to do with it. It's that you are being so strange about sending me a pic and it would be nice to put a face with who I'm talking to. You can't say my pics didn't have an affect on you contacting me.

And then I blocked him.

Actually looks are important to a point. But the bigger problem was that he seemed to be hiding something. Just honestly put yourself out there! And if someone doesn't like you- oh well! We all have our own tastes and things we desire from a relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Yeah, that is weird.. :scratchhead: I've always assumed that one of the facets of doing the online dating thing is that you need to provide accurate pics of what you look like _currently_. That means within the past year or two, not from 15-20 years ago. 

I rarely like the way I look in pictures. I hate that people take pics of me and I usually won't look at them because I'm not happy with how I look but if I was going on online dating sites I figure I'd have to suck it up. Even on Meetup.com the singles/dating groups ask you to put up a pic of yourself so I've got a few that I like that I've put up. 

The fact that guy was so evasive says something. Enough so that it sends up red flag and make it look like he's hiding something. 

People can be so bizarre..and that's not in a good way.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ku1980rose said:


> So I got contacted by this guy on POF with no picture. I asked for one and he sent me a pic of two guys standing at a truck talking. He said he was the one in the yellow shirt. And the guy in the yellow shirt had his back toward the camera. Anyway I didn't really talk to him much after I found out he had 3 kids and because he was being so vague about pictures. Tonight he contacted me again after a week or so and I said: "I'm not really interested especially since the only picture you can provide is if your back."
> 
> He says: well that's pretty shallow. I sent you two pics of me. Oh well. Whatever.
> Me: you sent one of your back. Look in previous messages.
> Him: well I've been told I'm a very handsome guy. Who cares. I'm looking for something deeper than looks anyway.
> Me: looks has nothing to do with it. It's that you are being so strange about sending me a pic and it would be nice to put a face with who I'm talking to. You can't say my pics didn't have an affect on you contacting me.
> 
> And then I blocked him.
> 
> Actually looks are important to a point. But the bigger problem was that he seemed to be hiding something. Just honestly put yourself out there! And if someone doesn't like you- oh well! We all have our own tastes and things we desire from a relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Even if you did get a pic of him after this start-out argument, would you really have wanted to date him? Delete! No response even needed to the pic of back. That would have cinched it for me.


----------



## Lon

Kurose, yes that was weird of him to send you a pic of his back, he is probably hung up on looks because I think it's even more difficult for average looking guys to make a good impression when they include a pic. For awhile I had no pics on my profile and I had a lot more women actually look at my profile, when I put my pic up virtually none of the ones I looked at looked at mine back. So basically my average looks were filtering women out which is when I decided screw online dating it's a waste of my time, they all only want hot ones.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> Kurose, yes that was weird of him to send you a pic of his back, he is probably hung up on looks because I think it's even more difficult for average looking guys to make a good impression when they include a pic. For awhile I had no pics on my profile and I had a lot more women actually look at my profile, when I put my pic up virtually none of the ones I looked at looked at mine back. So basically my average looks were filtering women out which is when I decided screw online dating it's a waste of my time, they all only want hot ones.


I usually look at expression. If someone is morose or even is just non-smiling I don't bother. Also I delete guys who have photos of their vehicles or homes. I think the reason that I like your motorcycle pic on your profile here is not because of the bike, but because it has a pack on it, implying a road trip, of which I am fond.  

A lot of guys put pictures of nice scenery on their profile, without saying anything about it, such as this is the view from my back deck, where I have my coffee every morning. Or, this photo was taken on my favorite bike trip, it reminds me of how much I like to ride the rail trails. Just photos of nice scenery must be some kind of cognitive hi-jacking trick that's recommended to them. 

Photos of homes, I don't enjoy, unless they did the landscaping themselves, or are showcasing detail work they did themselves on the interior. I look at a nice home and I think, no way in h*ll am I dusting that chandelier, or washing those windows, when I could be out watching movies or dancing or riding my bike...delete! That's what house photos do for me. 

I also delete guys who put themselves holding a grandchild or a niece or hanging with a nephew or whatever. Small children are another cognitive hijacking trick. If a guy has to use a small child to make himself look like a safe bet, there's a reason behind that.

Pictures of animals by themselves...delete. Pictures with their animals, helpful. I don't do dogs any more.  They're a hassle. Horses are a good thing. If a guy can get along with a horse, and the horse looks happy snuggling up with him, that's a good bet. If there are two horses, even better. We can go riding.

But a true, genuine smile is everything.
If that's not there, I don't go further.
I have a photo up of myself that I hate. It's not the best looking photo. But it does have me with a genuine smile. I suppose it also shows some cleavage, which is genuine too. I get a lot of likes from this photo so I leave it up there, even though when I meet people they say I'm a lot cuter/prettier than the photo shows.

I subscribe to the blink theory of assessing photos. If I get the feeling that the guy's a sexual pervert, or a player, or has some major psychological hangups, I move on. If the smile is relaxed and not poised, and genuine looking, I will like and sometimes send a short message.

Get your kid to take some photos of you when you're out doing something fun, even grocery shopping or sledding or something simple like that. A guy sledding down a hill or standing in front of the Tex-Mex shelves is 'normal' and should be appealing to normal ladies. I like to see people doing something in their day to day life. Not on a special trip or all dressed up for work, or showcasing their assets (other than the guns on their arms and their smile and a sparkle in their eyes.)


----------



## Lon

HNU, its funny you mention the pack - that pic is not my actual bike, but the exact same model and color, however there were hundreds of pics on the internet like it, I chose that one specifically because the backpack is strapped on exactly how I strapped my pack on the back of mine when I'd take a long road trip on it!

I just do not have a photogenic smile or facial expressions, which probably speaks volumes about my real life personality which is why its so difficult to meet people in general.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> HNU, its funny you mention the pack - that pic is not my actual bike, but the exact same model and color, however there were hundreds of pics on the internet like it, I chose that one specifically because the backpack is strapped on exactly how I strapped my pack on the back of mine when I'd take a long road trip on it!
> 
> I just do not have a photogenic smile or facial expressions, which probably speaks volumes about my real life personality which is why its so difficult to meet people in general.


The best way to get a genuine smile is to hang out with some kids. Like sit on a swing or put yourself on a pair of skates or on a sled and let a kid take a photo of you.

Funny about the pack. I had a photo of my car once loaded up for a summer in Quebec. Actually, when I left family camp, some of my friends came by our tent and took photos of me with my car and kids. We traveled in true nomad style.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

I just emailed back to a guy on Plenty of Fish (dating site) to see about meeting up for coffee tomorrow morning or some evening this week! His profile was actually FUNNY (most guys there THINK they're funny, but alas, they're wrong!); kind of smart-assy like my friends on TAM's Social Spot forum! So, I thought I'd give him a try.

He also lives super-close to me so maybe we can hang out!

Saw a couple of nice gentlemen in Windsor, Ontario, Canada (I love Canadians!) and almost emailed them, but decided it was rather a long drive to meet up for dinner as I am NOT ready for a serious relationship. Would rather just hang out and get my feet wet in the dating pool. Maybe this Spring/Summer...have a gf with a cottage in Ontario!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Just saw a guy on POF wearing a shirt that proudly proclaims 'Future Evil Ex'. 

Whaddya wanna bet he's got AT LEAST one ex who'll tell you 'it ain't a joke!'


----------



## ku1980rose

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Even if you did get a pic of him after this start-out argument, would you really have wanted to date him? Delete! No response even needed to the pic of back. That would have cinched it for me.


I agree. I didn't talk to him after that, but then he sent me another message. i guess I was just in the mood to tell it like it is! lol!


----------



## ku1980rose

There are quite a few types of pictures that will make me pass over someone's profile quickly.

Pictures of guys without a shirt usually shut me down. Whether they are buff or not. If they are really buff, then they come off as ****y. If they are not buff at all then I wonder why they are even posting a pic of their flabby belly.

I don't like pictures of their tattoos all over their profiles. If a tattoo shows in a picture, that's fine. But, i really don't want to look at pictures of all of your tattoos.

I also don't get the random scenery pictures.

Lots of guys post pics of themselves with other women. Usually hot women. I don't care if it's your sister or your ex or just some hottie you bang on the weekends, I really don't want to see it. Doesn't give me any confidence seeing you with these good looking skinny girls. So why are you posting these?

All of my pictures are within the last year. Some are just of me. Some I'm being silly as an aunt. Some are posed, some are not. Some I'm made up and looking nice...others I'm just normal ol me with glasses and a t-shirt. If they don't like what they see then that's fine by me. I put myself out there honestly. If you ever plan on meeting someone face to face, then why not be honest from the beginning. It's not like they're not going to see who you are eventually.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Agreed Rose.

I have funny Halloween Pics, pic of me and dog and some face shots and all are recent - some are up to 5 years old but I haven't changed - same size, look the same. Hair style changes frequently.

I don't like photos where the guys aren't smiling.
a) a nice smile/nice teeth are important to me (shallow maybe but if my tongue is going in that mouth, oral hygiene is important)
b) instead of looking tough I think it makes them look mean or unhappy. 

I think the scenery pics are an attempt to show what the like, what they find memorable or lovely or perhaps where they've been indicating they say they like to travel and they aren't kidding. ???? Just a guess.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I get a little leery if there's too many photos of scenery. It's like the guy is trying to say hey, if you choose me you are also choosing all of these places. But the thing is, they don't even have to have been there...and honestly, who wants to go with a guy to some place he's potentially been to with someone else, and then used those scenery photos. If there's a photo of scenery, I need a story or blurb under it to explain why it's there...otherwise it's just too vague. Really, who has time for endless travel...unless it's a wealthy retiree. I like the travel photos to be in proportion to the amount of time one would actually be traveling. For a weekend traveler, this would be 2/7 of photos.


----------



## ku1980rose

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If there's a photo of scenery, I need a story or blurb under it to explain why it's there...otherwise it's just too vague. .


I agree. This guy I'm talking to now had a picture of a sea turtle on his profile. Didn't say anything about it. However, I asked him about it and he said that it was his favorite animal. So, that makes sense, but it would be nice to know that when I'm looking at his profile.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Sea turtle. Maybe he's channeling the kind of animal that leaves its young to be born on distant shores, alone, to fend for themselves. Or the type of woman who's willing to do that. Leave her kids to go to Acapulco with him (or any other type of ocean resort.)


----------



## ku1980rose

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Sea turtle. Maybe he's channeling the kind of animal that leaves its young to be born on distant shores, alone, to fend for themselves. Or the type of woman who's willing to do that. Leave her kids to go to Acapulco with him (or any other type of ocean resort.)


Well he does have a daughter who is about 13 I think. They live about 30 minutes apart. He gets along with his ex okay despite the bitter divorce. He has his daughter every weekend and sees her during the week as well. Seems to be pretty involved in her life.


----------



## NoWhere

I'm bored this morning. Anyone feel brave enough to PM their Match.com profile?

Mine isn't doing so well. I seem to get more favorites and likes from out of state people and people 10 years younger then me. Either looking for a sugar daddy or someone to con. I purposely didn't enter my salary range because I didn't want that kind of thing. Getting really frustrated and depressed with the whole thing. I think once my subscription runs out I'll just give up. 

I'm really starting to dislike this whole dating thing.


----------



## SingleInTx

NoWhere said:


> I'm bored this morning. Anyone feel brave enough to PM their Match.com profile?
> 
> Mine isn't doing so well. I seem to get more favorites and likes from out of state people and people 10 years younger then me. Either looking for a sugar daddy or someone to con. I purposely didn't enter my salary range because I didn't want that kind of thing. Getting really frustrated and depressed with the whole thing. I think once my subscription runs out I'll just give up.
> 
> I'm really starting to dislike this whole dating thing.


I think you may be on to something! I would be totally down to share, privately, my OKC profile so that you/whomever could check it out and give me your wholly unbiased opinion and let me know how it comes across in your eyes...


----------



## Pbartender

SingleInTx said:


> I think you may be on to something! I would be totally down to share, privately, my OKC profile so that you/whomever could check it out and give me your wholly unbiased opinion and let me know how it comes across in your eyes...


Not a bad idea... We could start a new thread for it.


Pb.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ku1980rose said:


> Well he does have a daughter who is about 13 I think. They live about 30 minutes apart. He gets along with his ex okay despite the bitter divorce. He has his daughter every weekend and sees her during the week as well. Seems to be pretty involved in her life.


Naw, I meant maybe he would like his date to be like that.


----------



## NoWhere

Hmm a seaturtle huh? Am I the only one who finds that strange. "Here's a picture of my favorite animal!"

Next they will be posting porn on their profiles saying "here's my favorite position"


----------



## ku1980rose

NoWhere said:


> Hmm a seaturtle huh? Am I the only one who finds that strange. "Here's a picture of my favorite animal!"
> 
> Next they will be posting porn on their profiles saying "here's my favorite position"


Yeah, it could seem a little strange, but I think he was just truly trying to tell something about himself. Maybe have it there as a conversation starter? He comes across as a really sweet guy, kind of naive though. 

The only extra pics I've added to my profiles are of my favorite team (obviously KU) and of my campsite at a Bluegrass festival.

Favorite team because I am kind of obsessed with the Jayhawks and that is something I really enjoy. That campsite because going to the festival is a big part of me as well and I really enjoy music. Just showing something I enjoy to do.

Mostly my pics are just of me. Maybe me with a niece or nephew being silly. Me out in the snow in the mountains. Me with a silly wig on my head at a KU game.


----------



## NoWhere

If you say so. I still think its strange. I have a 3 red flag policy and that would possibly be a yellow flag. 2 yellows equals a red. And 3 reds and no more contact. lol


----------



## ku1980rose

Ok. So with online dating do you expect to email back and forth some and get to know each other a little that way before making contact with phone or in person? Or can you do a few one-liners and then immediately start texting and setting up a date?

I like to email back and forth. And I'm talking "real" emails with some substance. Ask questions about each others' lives and interests. Then, if I still feel a connection I might share my phone number with you and talk about meeting in person.

The guys who send me just a few short message. "Hi, how are you? How's your day? Oh, so you like KU! How'd you like the game?" etc, etc, etc....and then send me their number so we can text....that just turns me away. 

I just had a guy tell me, "You're just difficult to get to know."

I told him, "Well you haven't really tried to get to know me with your short one-line emails."

Argh.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> Ok. So with online dating do you expect to email back and forth some and get to know each other a little that way before making contact with phone or in person? Or can you do a few one-liners and then immediately start texting and setting up a date?
> 
> I like to email back and forth. And I'm talking "real" emails with some substance. Ask questions about each others' lives and interests. Then, if I still feel a connection I might share my phone number with you and talk about meeting in person.
> 
> The guys who send me just a few short message. "Hi, how are you? How's your day? Oh, so you like KU! How'd you like the game?" etc, etc, etc....and then send me their number so we can text....that just turns me away.
> 
> I just had a guy tell me, "You're just difficult to get to know."
> 
> I told him, "Well you haven't really tried to get to know me with your short one-line emails."
> 
> Argh.





That's a tough one. Most men aren't chatty like that. It's another example of God's sick sense of humor. 

I wouldn't be very good at this either. I'm with you on the emailing. I like to email because I can type really fast and like to stop, reread what I've typed and then edit, change, proofread, etc. Texting is good for setting up stuff but I'm not into "small talk" texting. The whole social networking scene isn't my scene at all. I don't care what you are eating for dinner or what color pants you are wearing, yada yada yada. Take it someplace else. 

And I hate talking on the phone. I guess I'd just want to email back and forth a bit to establish that we're cool and meet at some public place to chat a bit and take it from there. 

I think that's why I like the Meetup events. You go, you sit and talk and if someone is cool then you hang out and talk. If they aren't you make an excuse to get up and leave and go. That's my style.


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> That's a tough one. Most men aren't chatty like that. It's another example of God's sick sense of humor.


Oh, don't blame god for that...

Men aren't chatty, because all the advice out there about dating tells us to *DON'T TALK SO MUCH!* It tells us that if we talk a lot, or too meaningfully, we'll get stuck in the friendzone. It warns us that in the eyes of the prospective girlfriend, we'll change from being a man to being a woman with a penis.

And I can say from experience, there is a certain amount of truth to it.


Pb.


----------



## NoWhere

Pbartender said:


> Oh, don't blame god for that...
> 
> Men aren't chatty, because all the advice out there about dating tells us to *DON'T TALK SO MUCH!* It tells us that if we talk a lot, or too meaningfully, we'll get stuck in the friendzone. It warns us that in the eyes of the prospective girlfriend, we'll change from being a man to being a woman with a penis.
> 
> And I can say from experience, there is a certain amount of truth to it.
> 
> 
> Pb.


 I read all that advice and then promptly ignored it. I am who I am. If someone doesn't like what I say or how I say it I figure atleast I didn't waste a lot of time talking to them. My problem is I'm mostly content just chatting and usually the conversation gets too friendly too soon. I flirt a lot and probably shouldn't before I meet someone, but I can't help it. I'm just like that and I've always been good at pulling the naughty girl out of women. lol. Probably should hold back more, but its just too much fun.


----------



## Lon

Pbartender said:


> Oh, don't blame god for that...
> 
> Men aren't chatty, because all the advice out there about dating tells us to *DON'T TALK SO MUCH!* It tells us that if we talk a lot, or too meaningfully, we'll get stuck in the friendzone. It warns us that in the eyes of the prospective girlfriend, we'll change from being a man to being a woman with a penis.
> 
> And I can say from experience, there is a certain amount of truth to it.
> 
> 
> Pb.


I've chatted my way into many a woman's friend zone (not the pubic zone where I was initially aiming).


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> Oh, don't blame god for that...
> 
> Men aren't chatty, because all the advice out there about dating tells us to *DON'T TALK SO MUCH!* It tells us that if we talk a lot, or too meaningfully, we'll get stuck in the friendzone. It warns us that in the eyes of the prospective girlfriend, we'll change from being a man to being a woman with a penis.
> 
> And I can say from experience, there is a certain amount of truth to it.
> 
> 
> Pb.


:iagree: What I meant by God's sense of humor is that men and woman are so different in so many ways I often think that God did this on purpose and is up there just laughing his azz off as he watches all the problems it causes. 

But if you look at why and how it relates to how it worked thousands of years ago it makes sense. But it makes for some interesting situations now. 

I think you are right about men who talk a lot. I met this guy at a Meetup last month and he seemed interesting. Around my age, pretty good looking and he's been divorced for a decade and NO KIDS. That's a big plus in my book. We met right at the end of the event. 

Afterwards, a bunch of people went as a group to a restaurant and I invited him to join us. He sat down next to me and would NOT stop talking. All through dinner, yada yada yada. Drove me nuts and I can be chatty myself. By the time dinner was over I had completely lost interest in him. He walked me out to my car and I think he wanted to ask for my number but I def gave him the impression that wasn't happening. 

Yep, the signpost up ahead is the Friend Zone if a guy chats it up like a woman. Sad, but true.  There def is a line where you go from interesting and making good conversation to talking too much. It's a tough situation.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

NoWhere said:


> I read all that advice and then promptly ignored it. I am who I am. If someone doesn't like what I say or how I say it I figure atleast I didn't waste a lot of time talking to them. My problem is I'm mostly content just chatting and usually the conversation gets too friendly too soon. I flirt a lot and probably shouldn't before I meet someone, but I can't help it. I'm just like that and I've always been good at pulling the naughty girl out of women. lol. Probably should hold back more, but its just too much fun.


I'm the same way but it probably helps that I'm a woman. I'm sure I turn some off though. But like you said, I am what I am and I'm not changing at this point in my life. Better they know sooner than later what they are up against. Of course, one look at me and they'll know. I'm no exactly the most conventional looking 49 year old woman on the planet. 

I probably turn off and/or intimidate a lot because of that but they are the types I find boring anyway. I can usually catch the vibe pretty quickly and don't waste my time with them.


----------



## Pbartender

I think some of the best advice I'd every gotten on the matter was this...

Let the woman talk. The man should work to stay involved in the conversation, but his role should be to occasionally keep the conversation moving with comments that show interest and to steer the subject toward something new when things start or slow down to get boring.

If the conversation between a man and a woman is a sailboat, let the woman be the sails, while the man sticks to being the tiller.


Pb.


----------



## NoWhere

Freak On a Leash said:


> I probably turn off and/or intimidate a lot because of that but they are the types I find boring anyway. I can usually catch the vibe pretty quickly and don't waste my time with them.


This is so true. I find out really easy while talking to someone simply by how well things go in the conversation. Some people you just seem to hit it off. They are fun and you just enjoy talking with them. Then others just seem a bore to me. For example I've got a few people I'm talking with and its a blast, but one women I would write a nice paragraph or two and my response would be 3 words. That got old quick and I just quit writing her. She initiated the contact to begin with. 

If I spend a lot of time over thinking what to say and making a conscious effort to 'keep the conversation going' or having to purposely show interest in someone it just means we didn't hit it off to begin with. I'm fine with comfortable silence and I'm not going to work hard to try and make a connection when obviously there was none there to begin with.

Oh and you wouldn't intimidate me FreakonaLeash.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

NoWhere said:


> Oh and you wouldn't intimidate me FreakonaLeash.


:lol: :rofl: Is that a challenge? Something tells me that would be the case. Fascinating..


----------



## whitehawk

NoWhere said:


> I read all that advice and then promptly ignored it. I am who I am. If someone doesn't like what I say or how I say it I figure atleast I didn't waste a lot of time talking to them. My problem is I'm mostly content just chatting and usually the conversation gets too friendly too soon. I flirt a lot and probably shouldn't before I meet someone, but I can't help it. I'm just like that and I've always been good at pulling the naughty girl out of women. lol. Probably should hold back more, but its just too much fun.



Nowhere , you and me have gotta talk


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Maybe I'll quit internet dating, and just hang out and chat with the guys on TAM!

It's great fun....except for the lack of sex it would TOTALLY work for me!


----------



## whitehawk

Yep , if only we were all in person and one place. I reckon each of us could possibly have a match right here somewhere to boot.

I just dropped back now to vent after checking into the site I'm on because you know what , I fkg hate it 
It's making me puke and the girls , they're fkg out there.

I mean I've gotta say it again . She's been alone for yrs , has lots of great friends , she could be 35 , could be 45 but STILL, with all those friends , parties,nights out , friends of friends and 1/2 her lifetime and the best possible 1/2 for meeting that someone , she hasn't !
Yet here she is now , cheating with 10yr old photos , over weight , 3 kids in tow , and demanding anything from Brad Pit and his bank balance to Prince fkg Charles . It's insane.
And , she'll have a list 3miles long , of all the things he must be.
But the one that really kills me is when she insists he must be athletic , yet she shows you her pics and she obviously hasn't been off her fat [email protected]@ for 5 yrs.

Or , she sends you a kiss , says she'd love to see more photos , you go to reply and she's gone.
Or , you send a hi to someone , she writes back and says she'd like to hear from you , twice - then she's gone , again before you even reply.

Or , like my one and only real meet so far , she fkg used I'm sure , photos 20 yrs old . She really , looked like a really bad road.

Tell you what , it's only been a mth but I think I'm done.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

NoWhere said:


> I read all that advice and then promptly ignored it. I am who I am. If someone doesn't like what I say or how I say it I figure atleast I didn't waste a lot of time talking to them. My problem is I'm mostly content just chatting and usually the conversation gets too friendly too soon. I flirt a lot and probably shouldn't before I meet someone, but I can't help it. I'm just like that and I've always been good at pulling the naughty girl out of women. lol. Probably should hold back more, but its just too much fun.


That kind of banter can be a lot of fun. Most men 'go there' in a conversation. I can always bring it back around.


----------



## whitehawk

Yeah look , sorry if I've ran down what others are finding ok, even fun . 
Maybe it's the damn site I joined . I dunno it was suppose to be one of the best - hate to see the worst !
No not tellin , someone might go and find me :scratchhead:

Wish I could have some fun on them like you guys , doesn't look promising though !


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I met the last long-term boyfriend on match. I'm pretty good at weeding out what I like and what I don't. My profile isn't super short but I think it's pretty obvious what I like and what I don't while being broad enough to let guys know I'm not looking for a male version of me (what fun is that, really?). My photos are current including a full body shot so I know if we're talking they are fine with someone who has a few extra curves but can see I'm not a cow.

I figure there are a lot of frogs to kiss in the odds regardless of where I meet them. With a 14y/o full time except 2 weekends a month, I find it's more efficient to meet people that way. I've done meet ups (still do) but they are the same people. And the others I've looked at and can see who RSVPd to events are very young. 45 is a hard age to meet people I think. Guys who are 50 want to spend their weekends golfing and don't want a 14yo full time; guys younger are... eh. I don't really want someone much younger than I am.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> whitehawk
> Wish I could have some fun on them like you guys , doesn't look promising though !


You're NOT alone!

I am NOT enjoying online (Plenty of Fish). 99.9% of the guys who email me are guys I would NEVER be interested in dating. I'm looking for someone to hang-out casually and do stuff with (including some casual sex IF if worked out), but I don't want/need a "boyfriend". (or whatever the hell you call them at OUR age!)

Of all the people I've seen, only about 3-4 interested me. One I met last week (too laid-back, he wasn't interested either), one I'm meeting this week.

*GO TO meetup.com!* I am having a blast! My group is VERY small (there are only 6 of us), but we have a GREAT TIME doing something we all enjoy (speaking/learning French). I would NEVER date any of the guys in my group, but it's fun to get out of the house and MEET people and do STUFF!

I'd suggest you QUIT "TRYING" to date, and just "TRY" meeting people! New guy friends who share your interests will have sisters, neighbors, co-workers, whatever that MIGHT be right for you! If not, you've got someone to get out of the house with and DO SOMETHING FUN!


----------



## NoWhere

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm looking for someone to hang-out casually and do stuff with (including some casual sex IF if worked out),


 Whatever you do don't mention casual sex on a profile. Jeez you would get so many emails it would take a year to read them all. :rofl:


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Seriously! STFU!

The LAST 2 guys who have emailed me on POF (hardly anyone does anymore since I *BOLDED* the part about *NOT* wanting a relationship) have both been 26yo guys! 

Seriously, that's less than 1/2 my age. (I have a kid 15yo!) Do they think I'm desperate to get laid?!? 

The one tonight asked me what I'm looking for... I said "Someone older than you! Thanks." 
His interests: "MONEY (yes, all caps), Sex, Cars, Ralph Lauren"

...obviously a DEEP thinker! Dealing with this makes me feel like a bytch. An OLD bytch!


----------



## Lon

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Seriously! STFU!
> 
> The LAST 2 guys who have emailed me on POF (hardly anyone does anymore since I *BOLDED* the part about *NOT* wanting a relationship) have both been 26yo guys!
> 
> Seriously, that's less than 1/2 my age. (I have a kid 15yo!) *Do they think I'm desperate to get laid?!?*
> 
> The one tonight asked me what I'm looking for... I said "Someone older than you! Thanks."
> His interests: "MONEY (yes, all caps), Sex, Cars, Ralph Lauren"
> 
> ...obviously a DEEP thinker! Dealing with this makes me feel like a bytch. An OLD bytch!


yes they do.


----------



## whitehawk

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You're NOT alone!
> 
> I am NOT enjoying online (Plenty of Fish). 99.9% of the guys who email me are guys I would NEVER be interested in dating. I'm looking for someone to hang-out casually and do stuff with (including some casual sex IF if worked out), but I don't want/need a "boyfriend". (or whatever the hell you call them at OUR age!)
> 
> Of all the people I've seen, only about 3-4 interested me. One I met last week (too laid-back, he wasn't interested either), one I'm meeting this week.
> 
> *GO TO meetup.com!* I am having a blast! My group is VERY small (there are only 6 of us), but we have a GREAT TIME doing something we all enjoy (speaking/learning French). I would NEVER date any of the guys in my group, but it's fun to get out of the house and MEET people and do STUFF!
> 
> I'd suggest you QUIT "TRYING" to date, and just "TRY" meeting people! New guy friends who share your interests will have sisters, neighbors, co-workers, whatever that MIGHT be right for you! If not, you've got someone to get out of the house with and DO SOMETHING FUN!



Yeah , I'm thinking of doing that which was always my old strategy. It always followed the same pattern . 
Other guys were meeting 100s of girls but couldn't get a gf , where as I only ever knew one or two at a time just doing my own thing yet one of them would always turn into something . 

But yeah right , there's only 6 in your meetup , that makes me feel better then because I did look mine up but it only had 9 I think it was. I thought they were meant to have 100's but there ya go, not so bad after all then. 
Might look into it .


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> The one tonight asked me what I'm looking for... I said "Someone older than you! Thanks."


His response back to me was "pen1s in your mouth". 

I said, "No, I'm not a baby molester." Then blocked him! I swear, if they hadn't had his picture, I'd have thought he was 16yo, not 26yo! My 15yo has wittier comebacks than this IDIOT.


----------



## whitehawk

NoWhere said:


> Whatever you do don't mention casual sex on a profile. Jeez you would get so many emails it would take a year to read them all. :rofl:


Cas sex, cas sex, cas sex  , Hey I might try it on mine tonight , see what the guys get .
Big red letters :smthumbup:

Hmm , wonder if I'd get any takers ! Na, don't even like cas sex but hey , might do it anyway wtf !


----------



## rose petal

This is an interesting thread. I just created a match.com profile on the recommendation of friends. After a 13 year marriage, I need to take a break from any serious relationship for awhile. I would like to go on casual dates and have fun with people. We shall see how this pan out. 

Luckily, I'm friends with a single girl. We plan on trying to the group meetings sponsored by match.com and also try out the meetup group meetings. My goal is mainly to make friends and have fun


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> His response back to me was "pen1s in your mouth".
> 
> I said, "No, I'm not a baby molester." Then blocked him! I swear, if they hadn't had his picture, I'd have thought he was 16yo, not 26yo! My 15yo has wittier comebacks than this IDIOT.


Kids these days, sheesh. Can't even discern from "doesn't want relationship" and "DTF".


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> We plan on trying to the group meetings sponsored by match.com and also try out the meetup group meetings. My goal is mainly to make friends and have fun


Good plan, *Rose*!

Some of the singles' sites run dances regularly (usually once/month) that might be nice to try out occasionally, too; larger group of people, an activity (dancing), casual atmosphere, etc!

*lon:* YOU warned me! I've got NO-ONE but myself to blame! should have JUST deleted or blocked him AS SOON AS I saw his age! Maybe I need to change "NOT interested in hooking-up" to "NOT DTF"...maybe it's an intergenerational mis-communication  ...or not :rofl:

.


----------



## rose petal

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Good plan, *Rose*!
> 
> Some of the singles' sites run dances regularly (usually once/month) that might be nice to try out occasionally, too; larger group of people, an activity (dancing), casual atmosphere, etc!
> 
> *lon:* YOU warned me! I've got NO-ONE but myself to blame! should have JUST deleted or blocked him AS SOON AS I saw his age! Maybe I need to change "NOT interested in hooking-up" to "NOT DTF"...maybe it's an intergenerational mis-communication  ...or not :rofl:
> 
> .


You are hilarious! I've never used the term DTF before. Is that what young people are using nowadays????? Gosh I feel old!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Had to 'Google' it after lon wrote it (he's much younger and savvier than me! than I? me? I? .....oooh, I feel a nun WANTING to bytch-slap me from the beyond right now!) I'm sorry, Sister! :rofl:


.


----------



## NoWhere

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Had to 'Google' it after lon wrote it (he's much younger and savvier than me! than I? me? I? .....oooh, I feel a nun WANTING to bytch-slap me from the beyond right now!) I'm sorry, Sister! :rofl:
> 
> 
> .


 Don't feel bad. So did I. :rofl:


----------



## Lon

I only learned it cause my younger brother is a POF expert.


----------



## NoWhere

Sure Lon. We are ok with whatever you put in your profile.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

I love you two! You wanna date me?


----------



## NoWhere

There are so many great people on this site I wish they did have some kind of dating functionality. Look at the bright side. There would be no reason to discuss ex's. We already know everyone's story. lol


----------



## rose petal

Oh my gosh, and I learn new useless things everyday!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Harumph. I wish NoWhere was closer. He's quite a catch!


----------



## NoWhere

Awwwwww your making me blush over here.  

You're just trying to get to my adorable puppies aren't you? I know a puppynapper when I see them!


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I love you two! You wanna date me?


Sounds kinda polyamorous.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

NoWhere said:


> Awwwwww your making me blush over here.
> 
> You're just trying to get to my adorable puppies aren't you? I know a puppynapper when I see them!


So that's what we're calling them now? Puppies? 

(I do miss my lab and the aussie/border mix tho!)


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> So that's what we're calling them now? Puppies?
> 
> (I do miss my lab and the aussie/border mix tho!)


 Did you look at my pics on my profile here of them? Of course they aren't technically puppies anymore. They turned one Jan 30th.



Lon said:


> Sounds kinda polyamorous.


 lol. I read a lot of books and don't consider myself dumb, but yet again you forced me to look up a word. After reading the definition I'll say you are wrong for that Lon!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, I was communicating with a Match that I thought was a good potential. His headline was something like special guy seeks special woman...something like that. Everything looked good in his profile. He had a nice smile in one of his photos that was what had caught my eye in the first place, but there was a lot of common ground discovered on the followup. Were emailing back and forth about once every day or every other day. We had decided to meet up for a date a week from Saturday (I have my kids this w/e.) He asked me a couple specific questions about where I grew up, my friends. I answered after giving it some thought, and asked my own questions along those lines in return, as could be expected, and I really wanted to know. Then this morning I get an email that has the headline of "special guy, special and busy" and it began with "Hey" then "got your email, look forward to learning more..." "Very busy". Etc. It came across as alienating, distancing.

And, the strange thing is, he also sent me a wink around the same time. (I'm guessing maybe he thought I was online still looking, as I do leave my computer on all night for work program runs, and I don't bother to sign out of Match, just close that browser window...) Still, this shows a very thin skin for someone who hasn't even had the first date yet. Shows a lack of respect for someone's basic right to look around for a good relationship. Setting up a date to meet is in no way a social contract other than to meet up in person and to assess real-time compatibility. So if that is what caused his distancing, he has the characteristics of someone very insecure, mild stalking behavior, and jumping to conclusions in the face of real substance (i.e. emails, etc.) telling a different story about my sincere intentions towards him.

After some thought I wrote him a nice email explaining that in my book intellect doesn't excuse someone from dropping the ball on communication...asking questions and not even giving any consideration of the answers, and regardless of intellect and being "special" in whatever way, there's no room in my life for a man who starts the day with "Hey." Being busy is fine, but the point of Match is to find an intimate partner, and there's no way I would want to be with someone who asks questions and then is too busy to listen to the answers, and blows off reciprocal questions and then says "Hey, too busy..." first thing in the morning.

How about "Good Morning, I received your email and will reply later as I have a tight schedule today. Have a good one."

Not, hey, I am busy and special so I'll see you later when we are closer to me actually getting laid.

lol

It's funny how the little things can reveal such big red flags.
He did say that in his last relationship (marriage) his work was a big issue. I don't think it's the work, I think it's his egotistical attitude towards his work. We're all special, dude. Get over it. I might have an IQ of 160 but first and foremost, I'm a human. There are no shortcuts to an interpersonal relationship. You either have the time of day to give to someone, and show consideration for your fellow humans, particularly those in your close peripheral, or you don't, and think something else is more important. 

Of course, asking someone to wait while you finish a work task, or telling a child you'll listen to their story later at the dinner table, is different than this "Hey, I am special and busy" thing to a serious prospect for an intimate relationship. wtf?


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, I was communicating with a Match that I thought was a good potential. His headline was something like special guy seeks special woman...something like that. Everything looked good in his profile. He had a nice smile in one of his photos that was what had caught my eye in the first place, but there was a lot of common ground discovered on the followup. Were emailing back and forth about once every day or every other day. We had decided to meet up for a date a week from Saturday (I have my kids this w/e.) He asked me a couple specific questions about where I grew up, my friends. I answered after giving it some thought, and asked my own questions along those lines in return, as could be expected, and I really wanted to know. Then this morning I get an email that has the headline of "special guy, special and busy" and it began with "Hey" then "got your email, look forward to learning more..." "Very busy". Etc. It came across as alienating, distancing.
> 
> And, the strange thing is, he also sent me a wink around the same time. (I'm guessing maybe he thought I was online still looking, as I do leave my computer on all night for work program runs, and I don't bother to sign out of Match, just close that browser window...) Still, this shows a very thin skin for someone who hasn't even had the first date yet. Shows a lack of respect for someone's basic right to look around for a good relationship. Setting up a date to meet is in no way a social contract other than to meet up in person and to assess real-time compatibility. So if that is what caused his distancing, he has the characteristics of someone very insecure, mild stalking behavior, and jumping to conclusions in the face of real substance (i.e. emails, etc.) telling a different story about my sincere intentions towards him.
> 
> After some thought I wrote him a nice email explaining that in my book intellect doesn't excuse someone from dropping the ball on communication...asking questions and not even giving any consideration of the answers, and regardless of intellect and being "special" in whatever way, there's no room in my life for a man who starts the day with "Hey." Being busy is fine, but the point of Match is to find an intimate partner, and there's no way I would want to be with someone who asks questions and then is too busy to listen to the answers, and blows off reciprocal questions and then says "Hey, too busy..." first thing in the morning.
> 
> How about "Good Morning, I received your email and will reply later as I have a tight schedule today. Have a good one."
> 
> Not, hey, I am busy and special so I'll see you later when we are closer to me actually getting laid.
> 
> lol
> 
> It's funny how the little things can reveal such big red flags.
> He did say that in his last relationship (marriage) his work was a big issue. I don't think it's the work, I think it's his egotistical attitude towards his work. We're all special, dude. Get over it. I might have an IQ of 160 but first and foremost, I'm a human. There are no shortcuts to an interpersonal relationship. You either have the time of day to give to someone, and show consideration for your fellow humans, particularly those in your close peripheral, or you don't, and think something else is more important.
> 
> Of course, asking someone to wait while you finish a work task, or telling a child you'll listen to their story later at the dinner table, is different than this "Hey, I am special and busy" thing to a serious prospect for an intimate relationship. wtf?


Have you actually met him yet to confirm if your vast assumptions about him based on that one sentence (and lack of desired reply) hold true in person? Don't judge him too soon, learning to communicate with someone brand new can always have a few hiccups at first, on both sides.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> Have you actually met him yet to confirm if your vast assumptions about him based on that one sentence (and lack of desired reply) hold true in person? Don't judge him too soon, learning to communicate with someone brand new can always have a few hiccups at first, on both sides.


No. But the subject line of "special and busy" and the abrupt change in his communication style is too weird. If someone can't hold it together well enough to get to the in-person meeting, there isn't going to be an in-person meeting. With all the people out there who can communicate well, I don't want to get myself into any kind of situation where I'm constantly making excuses for the other person. 

I want to wake up with someone who says Good Morning, not Hey, super busy. I'll listen to ya later, *even though I asked you questions, I'm not really interested in the answers.* And by the way, I'm *special*. _I didn't have time to type out Good Morning but I had time to type out a subject line that refers to me being special and also too busy for you_, and this gives me 'special' powers not granted to the ordinary human, namely, the power to be rude and dismissive. :rofl:

Plus, the time to go to my profile to wink? What is up with that? 

Too much trouble. If a guy says "Hey" to me instead of Good Morning, I'll take a pass.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> Have you actually met him yet to confirm if your vast assumptions about him based on that one sentence (and lack of desired reply) hold true in person? Don't judge him too soon, learning to communicate with someone brand new can always have a few hiccups at first, on both sides.


I'm usually forgiving of stuff like that.
But this was really out there, compared to how it had been going so far. If there is anyone who is over-reacting to anything, it was him. Who asks specific questions, and on getting answers, ignores them, changes their communication style to be one of distancing, then winks, and reasserts that they are 'special' and 'busy.' And look forward to learning more soon? And doesn't answer or even acknowledge that you asked mirror questions in return, and that they will be answered...

Too weird. I don't even want to meet him.

I did consider the possibility of me over-reacting.
But when I thought about it, the ability to create a stable environment conversationally and thoughtful, respectful communication is important to me. In all of my other emails with male and female friends (including you) the kind of email he sent was, by comparison, insulting and dismissive. Maybe my friends have spoiled me, but on the other hand, I think the standard for an intimate partner should be the same, or even higher, not lower. This was not a flirting IM chat we were engaged in. He suddenly dropped the ball. It was so abrupt that it was :-o Far beyond what someone would want to make allowances for, and far beyond what anyone should be expected to make allowances for. Maybe in an established relationship, under a time of extreme work duress, and then 'busy' should suffice, not 'special and busy.'

He's just not what I'm looking for in a relationship, which would be someone who considers the effects of what he says and how he says it. It didn't come across as very caring, and it was hurtful considering that he asked a few questions that were very specific and I genuinely took the time to answer. Who cares what his intent was? If he can't communicate it, he's not the guy for me. Has nothing to do with logic and truth seeking and everything to do with the real experience of being able to enjoy a relationship.


----------



## Lon

Then I suppose you've already cancelled the date, since you've pre-emptively already eliminated him as a romantic interest? You've already given him a handicap that he has no chance of overcoming.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong about having incredibly high communication standards, just that people aren't perfect and can't always be on their A game. If it weren't for people that accepted me when I make a faux pas, well I'd have nobody in my life at all.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> Then I suppose you've already cancelled the date, since you've pre-emptively already eliminated him as a romantic interest? You've already given him a handicap that he has no chance of overcoming.
> 
> I'm not saying there is anything wrong about having incredibly high communication standards, just that people aren't perfect and can't always be on their A game. If it weren't for people that accepted me when I make a faux pas, well I'd have nobody in my life at all.


You know how some people you just feel good around, and when they goof up, you know it's part of their personality and not at all malicious or controlling? I can get that kind of goof up, it's actually cute. This was not cute at all.

"Hey" and using the actual words "very special and very busy guy" in a very brief email, first thing in the morning, is anything but cute. It's so unappealing to me that yes, he lost his sex appeal and no, there is no recovery from that. He might as well have picked his nose. 

Now we all know that being human, people do a fair amount of nose-picking. However, most people would be careful not to do it on the first date, or while arranging for a first date. 

I think it's him who was actually trying to abort the first date.
And, he succeeded.

Oops, I also failed to mention that in his profile, he also identifies with being special, but looking for a special woman, so I was okay with that. He also wanted a woman who was trim and athletic, and I could see the point in that too, wanting someone who is healthy and takes care of themselves. He stipulated he was only available one night a week, and preferred Saturdays. OK, no worries there. You can say you want trim and athletic and Saturdays. I am okay with that. It's not unusual and in fact proactive. 
He also said he spends about $75 per person when going out. Well, that was a bit odd and beyond what I would personally afford so when I was emailing with him pointed out that I'm a vegan and one drink is quite a bit for me so tops for me would be around $30 when going out. I didn't mention a dollar amount, just said I would be not nearly, being vegan and petite. I wanted to make it clear that if we went Dutch, I wasn't going to be matching him just to not be a prude about fine dining, I just haven't found it necessary especially in our state. There are few places that would cost that much to eat at, unless you were a pig. Can't have $75 meals and also be trim and athletic, lol. 

So it's not that I didn't already give him the benefit of the doubt. I have already cleared up some things that I found somewhat entitled in his profile. Then he said that his work caused issues in his marriage. 

So I have heard enough, really. 
I have a limit on the number of hoops I'll go through to meet someone halfway. He also mentioned 2 kids living at home but no mention of them at all, not even in passing, though he remarked on mine and I gave him the opportunity to do the same.


----------



## Lon

So there is a background of missed opportunities with him then, which he seemed too busy game playing to have noticed? Makes more sense now. I guess this is why the advice for a guy is, once you got the date the less you speak the better, lol!


----------



## NoWhere

Yeah saying how much you pay per person when going out is weirdo territory, but then again he's 'special' remember?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> So there is a background of missed opportunities with him then, which he seemed too busy game playing to have noticed? Makes more sense now. I guess this is why the advice for a guy is, once you got the date the less you speak the better, lol!


Well, at least don't ask questions if you're not really interested in hearing the answers, responding to them, and fielding similar questions. 

Sometimes (but not always) people ask a question when they want to share similar information with you. The other reason for asking a question is the desire to really know the answer, about all the other questions they might have asked.

His mirroring and verbal tennis playing up to this point was absolutely perfect. Then this very special and very busy and "Hey" stuff.

Now if I had done what he did, and then got the (thoughtful and positive, yet bringing closure) email in return, I would have been told that I was distancing, setting standards too high, and brought on the rejection myself by the way I acted conversationally, that there was something wrong with me. Hot and cold. Not really wanting the date. lol.

The thing is, he could have very well said OK, then, have a great week and we'll confirm when the date is closer...but instead he chose to keep the dialog going, and when I responded in kind, he shut down. The time for him to say less was there, but he did not say less, he asked questions that IF I had not answered, would have made me come across as being too tight with information, or evasive. or blowing HIM off.

If he lacks the skills to get to the first date in good form, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to enjoy his company.

It sounds like he is almost treating the site as a shopping mall, vs. meeting real people, and having to deal with them.

Who asks a few questions that require detailed answers and then blows off the answers?


----------



## rose petal

I haven't exactly figured out how match.com works. 

It seems like whenever I email/show interest in someone, I never get a response back. When I do respond to ones who initiated by showing some interest in me, I never get a response back from that person. I can tell they've read my email because match shows me that. I just don't understand why bother favorite/wink at somebody and then when they respond back to you, you ignore them!

I'm not sure if this whole online dating thing is for me. 

It seems to be way too time consuming for minimal result. There has got to be another way to meet people!


----------



## hope4family

Join a dance club.
Go to church. 
Gym membership.
YMCA.
Volunteer.
Find a bar/pub/smoke shop you love.

Your welcome.


----------



## rose petal

Dance club wouldn't work for me. I'm a terrible dancer!

I'm agnostic, so church wouldn't work.

The last place I want to be picked up at is at a gym while I'm working hard! I go to workout not to meet men.

Unfortunately, bar/pub/night club isn't my scene 

Another thing that I don't get about these online dating site is I consider myself to have a very good sense of humor. I respond to some of these people's profile who supposedly says they have a good sense of humor... Well when I email them with a teasingly joking reply, of course I never hear back!

Alas, no one really gets my sense of humor


----------



## hope4family

rose petal said:


> Dance club wouldn't work for me. I'm a terrible dancer!
> 
> I'm agnostic, so church wouldn't work.
> 
> The last place I want to be picked up at is at a gym while I'm working hard! I go to workout not to meet men.
> 
> Unfortunately, bar/pub/night club isn't my scene
> 
> Another thing that I don't get about these online dating site is I consider myself to have a very good sense of humor. I respond to some of these people's profile who supposedly says they have a good sense of humor... Well when I email them with a teasingly joking reply, of course I never hear back!
> 
> Alas, no one really gets my sense of humor


There is a different between a good sense of humor and a dry one. Unfortunately, i'm VERY dry, but when I learn someone I can become "hilarious." 

I never had any luck with online dating. Same with church, can't afford/dont have time for a gym. Bar scenes are interesting, but that's just for meeting people and ya'know talking. 

I much prefer a dancing scene. I'm not the best. But its still fun. What's your best joke? I like delivering cheesy pickup lines when one of my female friends are down or if I just met em.


----------



## Lon

rose petal said:


> Dance club wouldn't work for me. I'm a terrible dancer!
> 
> I'm agnostic, so church wouldn't work.
> 
> The last place I want to be picked up at is at a gym while I'm working hard! I go to workout not to meet men.
> 
> Unfortunately, bar/pub/night club isn't my scene
> 
> Another thing that I don't get about these online dating site is I consider myself to have a very good sense of humor. I respond to some of these people's profile who supposedly says they have a good sense of humor... Well when I email them with a teasingly joking reply, of course I never hear back!
> 
> Alas, no one really gets my sense of humor


You can message me your jokes and I'll probably laugh.


----------



## rose petal

Okay I'll bite, I'll send a cheesy, teasing joke your way!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

hope4family said:


> Join a dance club.
> Go to church.
> Gym membership.
> YMCA.
> Volunteer.
> Find a bar/pub/smoke shop you love.
> 
> Your welcome.


I have all of that and one reason I can afford to hold my ground when it comes to an intimate relationship is because of the stellar opposite-sex friends I have met from these venues. 

I am a Quaker, I attend meetings regularly and our practice has a tradition of visiting other meetings, so people do get around to socialize and meet, etc. We also hold annual and quarterly meetings. It's good to hang with people who have same values. It's reinforcing. When you belong to a community that treasures communication and contact and practices respect, it's easy to identify when someone's outside those established and desirable norms. 

I go to the fitness center regularly, and have one male friend there who is a good guy. Also a lot of lady friends from town I might not meet otherwise. When I do go to Zumba, it's fun.

Volunteer. I worked for a year at an independent film theatre. I know so many people there that when I go to films even by myself, I have people to sit with. And if not, I usually hang in the lobby there, etc. I know a lot of people through this organization. Again, very good friends. And they do know I am single, and looking. 

I go regularly to a couple coffee places to write. I would include pubs but I'm not really into guys who hang out at pubs and drink. Although I did notice quite a few out in groups at one place near the movie theatre when I went out for my birthday dinner with my guy friend. But it's not the place you can go to write. And the only place I go for drinks alone is in airport lounges when I have at least a two hour layover and it's at least 11 a.m. 

I'm also a wonderful ballroom dancer. Latin and swing are my favorites. When I have the time, I go to workshops, classes and practice socials, and don't mind going on my own. I go to contra dances sometimes too. 

End of this month, I'm going to a conference and there will be a two day film festival and I'm hoping to present a poster. Sent my abstract for consideration, hoping to hear back soon so I can get my project underway and complete and a poster / white papers in hand. I figure this is a good way to make connections with similar interests. 

I also work on site and meet people through my work. They are all very nice and all very married. Exception being the guy I didn't work for and dated and decided not to. He was a bit of a poser, and didn't take good care of himself and was not interested in any kind of committed relationship. He just wanted to have fun. But only on his terms, which were not fun for me. Anyhow, I made a good decision, because if I had been dating him it would have been awkward for me to keep up with my work, since he was since marginalized from future contracts due to some performance issues I suppose although I didn't get the exact details.

I don't smoke. 

I have been on an overnight XC ski trip with an outdoors club, in past I volunteered as hut coordinator with a xc ski club and met a lot of people. They were usually from Boston though, about 2 hours away. 

I'm not saying I don't meet people. I do. But meeting someone and wanting to have an intimate relationship with them are two different things. I'm not interested in dating just to get out and have fun. Fun is important. But if there is no sense that the guy would be intimate partner material, I can go out with my guy buddies or myself just as easily for fun. I don't need someone tagging along who isn't as personable as the company I already have, who wants to have sex with me, when I know I have no interest in that. 

I am fairly satisfied with the number of friends I have. Since a woman I get along great with moved in around the corner, a gap in that respect has been filled. 

I do telecommute so meeting someone at work is a little iffy. But the next few months I expect to be on site more than usual. So who knows. Some work days I don't have to be home til 8, there is a one hour commute, so the possibility of dinner. No drinks though, since I have to drive.

I think because of having guy friends who treat me well (and these are guy friends I have never dated, and will never date) I have the same standards for other men. 

My biological brothers treated me very badly. So I feel that the universe has coughed up some very nice consolation prizes as stand-ins. My guy friends aren't perfect, but they have hearts of gold, and they are good communicators, and they really care about me, and vice versa. Also the men I work with, and the women, treat me very well. Nobody is rude. 

I have dated some men and they have been rude or inconsiderate. That's unacceptable, and results in non-dating. Wanting to have a sexual relationship with someone doesn't mean you should treat them differently than others...to me it means you should treat them the same, if not with even more consideration. I know this is the way I feel and the way that I treat others. But it's not always the same in reverse.

I was just thinking before I read your post with all these suggestions...I have certainly found love. But it's not the kind of romantic/partner love I have found. I found something even better, one of community. That doesn't mean I don't want to have my own special partner...but now I need someone that fits into everything else I have. The bar is set higher than it might have been, and that's a good thing.


----------



## rose petal

The sad thing is I truly don't want a serious relationship at the moment. I just want to date, meet people, have fun, and try out new activities with others. Apparently that's too much to ask for...


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

rose petal said:


> The sad thing is I truly don't want a serious relationship at the moment. I just want to date, meet people, have fun, and try out new activities with others. Apparently that's too much to ask for...


I go out regularly, as much as I like.
It's fun.

But it's a different kind of fun than I used to have before with my boyfriend. We got along so well. I'm glad he made such an effort to make me feel like a million dollars, before he had his brain hemorrhage. If he hadn't, I'd probably have settled for some creep. 

He left me a very good friend, who has also set the bar high as well. Now this friend of his has a very unsettled life. He just lost his job, his health really is not great, he will probably lose his house if he doesn't find more work soon, and he hasn't paid his taxes in a few years...also from what it sounds like, his house is in a sort of disrepair. He is not really suited for life in the modern world, at least not in our area. He grew up in Alaska, worked on fishing boats and oil rigs. Lived in remote places, even growing up, and vacations were to an island even more remote. His parents had a great marriage, and they brought in all kinds of people on culture and entertainment grants to the village where they lived. They were those kind of people. You could pick them up and put them anywhere, and they'd create a village from scratch. I'll miss him if he goes back to Alaska, but that's what might happen. I think it might be good for him. This place is literally killing him. It will be scary when and if he goes. He is like a brother to me.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Nowhere
> Did you look at my pics on my profile here of them? Of course they aren't technically puppies anymore. They turned one Jan 30th.


Just went and looked at your albums!

The pix are so cute (the puppies AND you...in a MANLY way, of course ).

Fave pic of the pups is you whistling and them outside listening!
You only named XXXX...who's the other pup?
I really like the blueish paint color on your bedroom walls.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Snidely Whiplash! He kicks ass!!!!
Love your Igor avatar as well. (Marty Feldman fan? Young Frankenstein fan? Both?)

Notice you avoided the question about your recent exclamations! Is someone getting to see the blue paint color UP CLOSE and personal???? Inquiring minds want to know!

.


----------



## NoWhere

rose petal said:


> I haven't exactly figured out how match.com works.
> 
> It seems like whenever I email/show interest in someone, I never get a response back. When I do respond to ones who initiated by showing some interest in me, I never get a response back from that person. I can tell they've read my email because match shows me that. I just don't understand why bother favorite/wink at somebody and then when they respond back to you, you ignore them!
> 
> I'm not sure if this whole online dating thing is for me.
> 
> It seems to be way too time consuming for minimal result. There has got to be another way to meet people!


Just hang in there. Some men take forever to reply. Just keep at it. Try just winking at everyone you find interesting and see if you get a email.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Just went and looked at your albums!
> 
> The pix are so cute (the puppies AND you...in a MANLY way, of course ).
> 
> Fave pic of the pups is you whistling and them outside listening!
> You only named XXXX...who's the other pup?
> I really like the blueish paint color on your bedroom walls.
> LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Snidely Whiplash! He kicks ass!!!!
> Love your Igor avatar as well. (Marty Feldman fan? Young Frankenstein fan? Both?)
> 
> Notice you avoided the question about your recent exclamations! Is someone getting to see the blue paint color UP CLOSE and personal???? Inquiring minds want to know!
> 
> .


 LOL. They are really cute. I love those two guys with all of my heart!! I uploaded a photo of my other dog and also edited one of the pictures to show their names if you want to go look again. 

And yes I love Young Frankenstein. One of my favorite movies. I lucked out on Oct31. That was the day I signed and got my house. Also that night I went by myself to a theater that was showing the movie for Halloween. It was great seeing it on the big screen!

As far as the last question. I did answer that in the thread 'Any Point In Looking'. Here in the 'Life after Divorce' forum.


----------



## rose petal

I want to see puppy pictures! Where can I find them?


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## NoWhere

Just click on my profile and look for the albums/pics. I sent you a friend request. The pics are set to private so you are forced to be my friend to see the puppies. LOL.


----------



## whitehawk

I just read one last night - where she went on about everything he must be , a list of about 30 things -but at the end of it was-

But , above all else , he must be TOUGH . 
I mean wtf !
This was a 39 yr old chick here .
And then she follows that with , we can disregard the rest if we must but not the tough , you've gotta be tough that's non negotiable !

Very realistic :scratchhead:


----------



## RandomDude

rose petal said:


> The sad thing is I truly don't want a serious relationship at the moment. I just want to date, meet people, have fun, and try out new activities with others. Apparently that's too much to ask for...


Meetup.com highly recommended

Dating sites are a joke and waste of time and money


----------



## NoWhere

whitehawk said:


> I just read one last night - where she went on about everything he must be , a list of about 30 things -but at the end of it was-
> 
> But , above all else , he must be TOUGH .
> I mean wtf !
> This was a 39 yr old chick here .
> And then she follows that with , we can disregard the rest if we must but not the tough , you've gotta be tough that's non negotiable !
> 
> Very realistic :scratchhead:


 That is odd. Tough as in likes to beat up people or can take a lot of abuse I wonder? :scratchhead:


----------



## Deejo

rose petal said:


> I haven't exactly figured out how match.com works.
> 
> It seems like whenever I email/show interest in someone, I never get a response back. When I do respond to ones who initiated by showing some interest in me, I never get a response back from that person. I can tell they've read my email because match shows me that. I just don't understand why bother favorite/wink at somebody and then when they respond back to you, you ignore them!
> 
> I'm not sure if this whole online dating thing is for me.
> 
> It seems to be way too time consuming for minimal result. There has got to be another way to meet people!


The people who are emailing and favoriting you are doing the very same thing for others as well.

Recommendation that I make to men and women that are new to the online dating world, is that it really isn't a 'one off' environment. It is HIGHLY unlikely that you will view one person's profile, send an email, meet, and have a dynamic connection as a result.

It IS a numbers game. You need to be willing to meet a number of people until you meet one with whom you do have that spark. In the interim don't ever, ever, base your self esteem on whether or not a person you reach out to rejects you. Because ... you will without question be rejected.

I have dabbled in online dating for over 4 years. Every single date I have had, has been through that medium. Had I relied on 'getting out there and meeting people organically', I would not have had ANY dates.

I usually suggest 'the rule of 3'. If you are going to send an email to someone, then send out two more to different people. If all 3 respond ... fantastic, you have the potential for 3 dates. If you have your heart set on one that doesn't respond, yet another does and sounds really nice, then you can buffer that feeling of rejection until you get thicker skin.


----------



## rose petal

Do you guys chat with people a lot before meeting them in real life? My experience with match is I don't like to chat with people or email them back and forth. We are close enough, let's just meet up for a coffee date and see if there is any chemistry.

That being said, I recently started chatting with another man whom I found outside of Match.com. We live sort of close, but if he were on match, I wouldn't bother because of the long distance. Through our long chat sessions, I've started to develop a connection with him. I'm ambivalent about whether it's a good thing or not because ultimately how do you really know if there's true chemistry until you meet a person? I'm worried that through our multiple chat sessions that my mind is so messed up and create chemistry when it's not there in the first place?

Maybe I'm over thinking this way too much. I feel like we have this crazy connection when we chat. I so desperately want to feel the same when I meet up with him in a week


----------



## NoWhere

I chatted a good bit before meeting anyone. Mainly to try and get to know them some. Makes it less awkward when actually meeting them as you already have some things you can talk about and you feel more comfortable doing so. Atleast in my case.


----------



## Deejo

I apply the 'rule of 3' here as well. My personal rule. 3 points of contact and I ask for the date. To me, that is the point of a dating site after all. 

This is a huge mistake that guys fresh out of LTR's tend to make. You get caught up in emailing, IM'ing, texting, whatever ... waiting for that magical moment to ask for a date.

Just ask. Set the date, or move on.




rose petal said:


> Do you guys chat with people a lot before meeting them in real life? My experience with match is I don't like to chat with people or email them back and forth. We are close enough, let's just meet up for a coffee date and see if there is any chemistry.
> 
> That being said, I recently started chatting with another man whom I found outside of Match.com. We live sort of close, but if he were on match, I wouldn't bother because of the long distance. Through our long chat sessions, I've started to develop a connection with him. I'm ambivalent about whether it's a good thing or not because ultimately how do you really know if there's true chemistry until you meet a person? I'm worried that through our multiple chat sessions that my mind is so messed up and create chemistry when it's not there in the first place?
> 
> Maybe I'm over thinking this way too much. I feel like we have this crazy connection when we chat. I so desperately want to feel the same when I meet up with him in a week


----------



## whitehawk

NoWhere said:


> That is odd. Tough as in likes to beat up people or can take a lot of abuse I wonder? :scratchhead:



Yeah that's what I thought :scratchhead: . What the hells this chick into anyway !


----------



## whitehawk

Wel , I'm ready to talk about it now but , I have had one success in this last week. Maybe it's not so bad , no clue now.
I have met this one girl , she's like my twin, we were both amazed , she's gorgeous too.
We've been talking a bit and decided to meet. But guess what , I backed out.
I was nervous , felt sick , very shook up , I knew what it was so I let it go.
Maybe she's still looking when I'm ready, maybe she's not. 
I know one thing though I don't really give a fk right now.


----------



## NoWhere

You should of met her whitehawk.


----------



## rose petal

whitehawk said:


> Wel , I'm ready to talk about it now but , I have had one success in this last week. Maybe it's not so bad , no clue now.
> I have met this one girl , she's like my twin, we were both amazed , she's gorgeous too.
> We've been talking a bit and decided to meet. But guess what , I backed out.
> I was nervous , felt sick , very shook up , I knew what it was so I let it go.
> Maybe she's still looking when I'm ready, maybe she's not.
> I know one thing though I don't really give a fk right now.


I'm sorry to hear that  You should have at least met her for a quick coffee date to see if there's any chemistry/connection.


----------



## Pbartender

whitehawk said:


> Wel , I'm ready to talk about it now but , I have had one success in this last week. Maybe it's not so bad , no clue now.
> I have met this one girl , she's like my twin, we were both amazed , she's gorgeous too.
> We've been talking a bit and decided to meet. But guess what , I backed out.
> I was nervous , felt sick , very shook up , I knew what it was so I let it go.
> Maybe she's still looking when I'm ready, maybe she's not.
> I know one thing though I don't really give a fk right now.


_I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain._


Pb.


----------



## whitehawk

We knew there was chemistry , big stuff. That was very obvious before we even spoke. I could actually feel her through her page and looked at it for 3 days first .
Turned out she'd been watching me watching her and felt it too and was waiting for me .

That's why I couldn't go . If there was nothing I could have gone just for fun no prob and yeah I could be wrong but if I'm right I just can't go heavy right now. You can't control pure heavy especially in my shape right now.

Anyway maybe she waits , she said she was going too, who knows !

PS , Last night I was on just through pure boredom and I specifically tried to avoid her pic and page , about 45mins after , it just popped up in a list, could feel her then too , felt like she was in the room . She'll know I saw her


----------



## whitehawk

I just wanna be free for awhile . I was even thinking about holidays yesterday.

Just for once you know. Money permitting I can do or go where I damn well please right now . Answer to no one , do what I want.

I think I wanna maybe enjoy this for awhile now !


----------



## gulfwarvet

WhiteHawk- I think a person can get too psyched about meeting someone then it becomes overwhelming.Meeting someone should be fun.


----------



## ku1980rose

rose petal said:


> Do you guys chat with people a lot before meeting them in real life? My experience with match is I don't like to chat with people or email them back and forth. We are close enough, let's just meet up for a coffee date and see if there is any chemistry.
> 
> That being said, I recently started chatting with another man whom I found outside of Match.com. We live sort of close, but if he were on match, I wouldn't bother because of the long distance. Through our long chat sessions, I've started to develop a connection with him. I'm ambivalent about whether it's a good thing or not because ultimately how do you really know if there's true chemistry until you meet a person? I'm worried that through our multiple chat sessions that my mind is so messed up and create chemistry when it's not there in the first place?
> 
> Maybe I'm over thinking this way too much. I feel like we have this crazy connection when we chat. I so desperately want to feel the same when I meet up with him in a week


I like to have some chatting/emailing before ever meeting. I like a few emails, then I might let them text me before meeting up. However, I have a guy right now who has been emailing me for over a month and it's gotten really boring. I don't really have anything to tell him anymore and he doesn't really ask any questions. Now he wants to start talking on the phone. I HATE talking on the phone. I'd like to meet in person sometime, but he's a little further away so I don't know. ANyway, the constant emailing has actually made me like him less. If he doesn't have the confidence to even try to take it further than that, then he seems a lot like my ex who would never take the first step. But, now that he has made that step, I'm not sure I even like him anymore! 

As for your situation, maybe you should just try meeting in person since you already seem to have a connection? One time that worked for me. I had a small connection online, but wasn't that attracted to his pictures. However, when we met, we were both very attracted to each other and got along great! Instant connection.

On the other hand, I had another one that was fun to flirt with online and then a big dope in person. Wouldn't even talk to me.

I don't see anything wrong with getting to know each other a bit online first. Then, meeting in person and see if the connection holds up.


----------



## rose petal

Me and this guy have been progressing very well  We have so much of the same value and perspective on life. We are both very open minded and think very much alike. He's really fun to talk to and we make each other laugh  

I don't particularly like talking on the phone either because I find it extremely awkward. However we've had 2 phone conversations so far and each one lasted several hours. It's like we just can't stop talking to each other! 

We really do want to meet each other sooner, but because of prior arrangements we can't 

So our date is scheduled for next weekend. We are both very excited to finally meet each other in person. I'm also very impressed that he's driving over 2 hours just to meet me  Usually men asks me to travel! 

I'm really happy when I talk to him. I'm always smiling  I'm just so ambivalent about the fact that I think this whole text/phone conversation is screwing with my mind. I feel like I'm setting the bar too high. I also question what if we don't have that physical chemistry? We definitely connect on a mental/intellectual level. We both know that without physical chemistry, it will not work out!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Rose, remember to give him three dates unless there's an obvious red flag or deal breaker.  Sometimes it takes a while for chemistry to evolve. It's not like the movies where we see him across the room and instantly want him. 

First date everyone is nervous, on best behavior, etc.
Second date is a bit more relaxed and things are going well.
Third date is when they finally let down their guard and you could be repulsed by them or they start growing on you because everything else is good.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Oh, and last boyfriend I ended up really falling for? When he called I was disappointed because his voice didn't match his face or what I'd visualized. It was higher than I thought. Then I met him and I thought he was a bit distant but pleasant so I went out again. That night the heart went pitter patter when he rested his hand on my thigh during Phantom of the Opera. I was so disappointed he didn't kiss me goodnight!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

This sucks. This brought up all of the old feelings for that guy. It's been four months and I'm really only being half-hearted in dating again. I haven't been out with anyone since and although I updated my profile plus signed up for Zoosk (OMG it's worse than POF) my heart isn't into it.

Gah.


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> Oh, and last boyfriend I ended up really falling for? When he called I was disappointed because his voice didn't match his face or what I'd visualized. It was higher than I thought. Then I met him and I thought he was a bit distant but pleasant so I went out again. That night the heart went pitter patter when he rested his hand on my thigh during Phantom of the Opera. I was so disappointed he didn't kiss me goodnight!


I would of done more then kiss you goodnight! 

Did you go out with him again or was that it?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

NoWhere said:


> I would of done more then kiss you goodnight!
> 
> Did you go out with him again or was that it?


And I would have stopped you. 

I highly doubt it. We dated from March/April through the end of October and he broke it off. Realized he really wasn't ready to date even though he thought he was. Wish he had realized it about 6 months sooner. 

I should have read the signs. He didn't kiss me until around July. Slowest mover ever. I thought I was in the friend-zone.


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> And I would have stopped you.
> 
> I highly doubt it. We dated from March/April through the end of October and he broke it off. Realized he really wasn't ready to date even though he thought he was. Wish he had realized it about 6 months sooner.
> 
> I should have read the signs. He didn't kiss me until around July. Slowest mover ever. I thought I was in the friend-zone.


Oh you wouldn't have stopped me. I can be very persuasive. 

Wow took the guy till July to kiss you?. You should be thankful that's over. I think he may very well be the slowest mover ever. :rofl: Doesn't sound very exciting that's for sure.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Someone's very confident! 

When he finally 'moved' it was great. I do wonder about some long-term compatibility there but never got a chance to really find out! He traveled a lot, I am only 'single' 2 weekends a month so it's slow going with me any way you look at it! We did stuff all together but not a long of chance for intimacy with the 14y/o in tow for a movie in the home theater.


----------



## NoWhere

Well keep at it. Mr Wonderful is out there somewhere looking for you.


----------



## Deejo

I will also throw my opinion in upon the darker side of a guy who wants to establish and build rapport exclusively via email and telephone ... He's probably married.


----------



## whitehawk

gulfwarvet said:


> WhiteHawk- I think a person can get too psyched about meeting someone then it becomes overwhelming.Meeting someone should be fun.



Yeah have had a bit of that Gulf , too soon that's all . But this one I'm talking about is different to that . As I say it'd probably get serious quick if I'm right about it and , I just don't want that right now.


----------



## whitehawk

When I first met my wife , we did a lot but we didn't fk , for 2 wks . Woo that was hard.
But I'd just finished getting over another break up , even though I broke it up , it was still very rough.
I knew if I started sexing it up too much too soon with this new girl - my wife later , then my hi sex drive would start controlling things , didn't want that till I knew exactly where I was at with her.

Any way , long 2 weeks . In the end we both said - ENOUGH is enough and took off for 3 days to a motel up the coast.
Didn't see day light for the first 2 days , fk did we go off. But it was also the most beautiful w/end I've ever had in my life. She was so beautiful , so classy about her way , dignified . 
How did that come to this ? Hmm , now I wish I didn't tell this fkg story


----------



## whitehawk

Profiles , hate calling them that , how fkg mechanical . They should find a more human name for our pages on these sites .

Anyway, others that really kill me are and there's 100s of them,saying-
" and we MUST , have a high sexual chemistry "

I mean wtf ?

I feel like writing to these ladies and saying well , if your such a hot fkg sex kitten, then how come you've been single for God knows how long , resorting to a dating site and your 3 stone over weight. And how come at your age , with 3 kids in tow , you can't see that there also needs to be a hell of a lot more than just that-if your going to work !

I'm over and over just gob smacked - at some girls supposedly this is a serious effort , to finally find themselves a serious long term thing.


----------



## one_strange_otter

The whole body type thing should just be taken off entirely. Rely on recent pics only. I've seen them put athletic and have big flabby bodies that makes me think their sport that qualifies as athletic is competitive eating. Then there's the low self esteem ones that put average when they are actually thin....pics only thank you.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Deejo said:


> I will also throw my opinion in upon the darker side of a guy who wants to establish and build rapport exclusively via email and telephone ... He's probably married.


I disagree if they are a single parent. I have very limited time I can get together. Eventually I'm fine introducing my daughter and doing things as a group but not until I feel there is long term potential.


----------



## whitehawk

Yeah right , I'm new at all this online stuff.
Does average usually mean thin ? - hmmm , I love thin. I thought average was probably saying I'm 20 stone.
How can you even be average anyway , wtf's average , we're all different ?

Anyway , I mean you know , we all are what we are and everyone - anyone does have at least 2 or 3 people out in the world that'd be perfect for them I believe . I believe that , it's happened to me.

But I just wish they'd tell it how it is , get realistic, cut the fn bs. 
And the other side of the equation too and what really makes me angry m is knowing so many of those out there expectations are also destroying a lot of families now .
And for what , to end up on dating sites 5yrs later , you know !


----------



## rose petal

Thank you EnjoliWoman. This is a really good point. Real life isn't like the movies. It would be too much to ask for instant sexual attraction. Because of how well we get along when we talk, I need to give him more than one date before I make a final decision  I will keep what you said in mind. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> Rose, remember to give him three dates unless there's an obvious red flag or deal breaker.  Sometimes it takes a while for chemistry to evolve. It's not like the movies where we see him across the room and instantly want him.
> 
> First date everyone is nervous, on best behavior, etc.
> Second date is a bit more relaxed and things are going well.
> Third date is when they finally let down their guard and you could be repulsed by them or they start growing on you because everything else is good.


----------



## whitehawk

EnjoliWoman said:


> I disagree if they are a single parent. I have very limited time I can get together. Eventually I'm fine introducing my daughter and doing things as a group but not until I feel there is long term potential.



My crowd advised everyone to email chat as long as possible first especially the girls - too many scammers round .

But get this , not being one for bothering with the red tape I talked to a girl last week and said , this is bs just give me a call or I'll call you if you like and included mt no'.

Next day she was gone and out of my system. So I did a bit of reading and apparently the scammers offer ph no's or try to get yours - oops - fkd up


----------



## Deejo

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



EnjoliWoman said:


> I disagree if they are a single parent. I have very limited time I can get together. Eventually I'm fine introducing my daughter and doing things as a group but not until I feel there is long term potential.


I'm specifically referring to a guy that actively contacts you over a week or more, but never seems to have time to get together. Single moms are different, and single dads are a much rarer animal than married dudes out fishing. They're out there ... just sayin'.


----------



## hope4family

Deejo said:


> I'm specifically referring to a guy that actively contacts you over a week or more, but never seems to have time to get together. Single moms are different, and single dads are a much rarer animal than married dudes out fishing. They're out there ... just sayin'.


OO-OOOO I'm a single dad!

....*sigh


----------



## Freak On a Leash

rose petal said:


> Dance club wouldn't work for me. I'm a terrible dancer!
> 
> I'm agnostic, so church wouldn't work.
> 
> The last place I want to be picked up at is at a gym while I'm working hard! I go to workout not to meet men.
> 
> Unfortunately, bar/pub/night club isn't my scene
> 
> Another thing that I don't get about these online dating site is I consider myself to have a very good sense of humor. I respond to some of these people's profile who supposedly says they have a good sense of humor... Well when I email them with a teasingly joking reply, of course I never hear back!
> 
> Alas, no one really gets my sense of humor


I have an "offbeat" sense of humor as well. I am not a church goer as well and work out at home (got an elliptical). 

I love to dance and go to the clubs. I'm waiting for my daughter to turn 21 so I can go with her (and have someone to drive me home! :rofl but I WILL not go to a bar myself. Too bad because one of my favorite bands is playing in my town this Friday. 

Care to join me? 

Seriously, the best way to go out and meet people I've found is Meetup.com. You can join groups that reflect your own personal interests and meet nice people and the there's no pressure. I don't like the idea of online dating because it's so damn specific. 

IMO, the ONLY reason you join an online dating site is to meet someone else to either bed down with or get into a relationship with. Too narrow a focus and too much pressure IMO. I just want to go out and have fun and if I meet someone who I hit it off with then that's good. If not, I'm still having fun.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

whitehawk said:


> My crowd advised everyone to email chat as long as possible first especially the girls - too many scammers round .
> 
> But get this , not being one for bothering with the red tape I talked to a girl last week and said , this is bs just give me a call or I'll call you if you like and included mt no'.
> 
> Next day she was gone and out of my system. So I did a bit of reading and apparently the scammers offer ph no's or try to get yours - oops - fkd up


OK so I've not met Mr. Right yet but I did get two nice relationships, one still friendly with, out of match.com. What I have found in the past 9 years:

1) Write emails long enough to get a feel for that other person - usually a couple weeks. If they respond with very little info, I assume talking to them is like pulling teeth or they are being evasive for some reason. Write daily and even more if it feels right. You can exchange email addresses early on if that's easier than the website you met on. Just make sure it is NOT your work or home email. Use a gmail, hotmail, yahoo... anything but aol or your local service provider such as comcast and don't have your full name in your email address.

2) Don't waste MORE than a couple weeks (based on work/travel/kids) emailing. Arrange for a quick meeting for one drink or a cup of coffee on a weekend morning, etc. and make it clear you only have an hour before you have to be somewhere, even if it's meeting a friend to watch a game. This gives you an 'out' if they are not what they represented physically, if they are dull, annoying, etc. 

If you DO like them, this method leaves both of you wanting more which is a nice way to end a first date/meeting. Lock in the second date. 

3) Don't give your phone number until you are sure they aren't psycho. Phone numbers can be traced to a physical address. Even if you bill goes to a PO box, you need a physical address to rent a PO box. Bottom line, you don't give your number until you are OK with them knowing where you live.

4) Even if you are OK with them knowing where you live, don't rely on them to drive, pick you up or otherwise have you at their mercy until you are OK with that. Meet places. This also avoids falling into bed too soon and being in that happy rosey fog place where you think the crazy is actually cute.

5) During the dating process, verify everything they tell you. Divorce records are often online in larger cities or more modern suburbs. The car they drive, their job, etc. If they own their home can usually be verified on line. I don't do this as a gold digger - I do this to make sure everything they tell me checks out. If it doesn't then I know they are lying about more than their address. They say they live on the west side of town but you find a house in their name on the east side. Why? Maybe they own a rental property or maybe haven't sold the marital home yet. Or maybe they live there with their spouse and are putting you off the scent. Check out everything that you can.

People that won't invest their time are either scammers, married or just looking for a quick hook up.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

rose petal said:


> The sad thing is I truly don't want a serious relationship at the moment. I just want to date, meet people, have fun, and try out new activities with others. Apparently that's too much to ask for...


:iagree: We are in the same place it seems. Fortunately I don't mind my own company and do a lot alone. Wouldn't mind having someone cool to share it with but I'm good with being solo. As the weather gets warmer I'm starting to think about stuff I want to do this spring. 

Sure wish I didn't have to drive 2-3 hours to get someplace pretty. I hate living here.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

rose petal said:


> I don't particularly like talking on the phone either because I find it extremely awkward. However we've had 2 phone conversations so far and each one lasted several hours. It's like we just can't stop talking to each other!
> 
> We really do want to meet each other sooner, but because of prior arrangements we can't
> 
> So our date is scheduled for next weekend. We are both very excited to finally meet each other in person. I'm also very impressed that he's driving over 2 hours just to meet me  Usually men asks me to travel!


He lives two hours from you? Good luck with that. I wouldn't date someone that far away. 

I HATE talking on the phone. I have this problem with friends. I text or email and what do they do? Call me back. I've even told people I don't like yakking on the phone. I'm usually in the middle of doing something else or am just not in the mood. I'm not a "phone person."

I like to make plans and meet up with people. That's how I roll. I could never spend hours on the phone with anyone. 

My typical phone conversation is like this:

"Hey! What time? 8pm good?"

"Good..Wanna do dinner? Good. See you then. Later." 

I think with online dating I'd want to share some info and get together to chat and then take it from there. Don't waste my time calling me cuz you'll just get my voicemail and I'll text or email you back.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Deejo said:


> I have dabbled in online dating for over 4 years. Every single date I have had, has been through that medium. Had I relied on 'getting out there and meeting people organically', I would not have had ANY dates.


Wow! So in 4 years you've never met someone that isn't online? I find that amazing. There was a time BEFORE computers when people just went out there into the great wide world and met other people. 

But then again, you are talking to someone who isn't even on Facebook. Social networking isn't my thing at all. Too much work.


----------



## Deejo

Freak On a Leash said:


> Wow! So in 4 years you've never met someone that isn't online? I find that amazing. There was a time BEFORE computers when people just went out there into the great wide world and met other people.
> 
> But then again, you are talking to someone who isn't even on Facebook. Social networking isn't my thing at all. Too much work.


Don't know about where you live ... but I live in a town of 10,000 and am an hour away from major metropolitan area.

I work 5 days a week between work and commute, that eats up nearly 11 hours a day.

Have my kids every other weekend.

Woman I'm in a relationship lives in the next town over, as fate would have it ... about 15 minutes drive. She is the closest woman I've ever dated. Odds I would have met her outside of online? 

Zero.

Dating is about opportunity. Take the online option away, and I'm sure I would try harder to make other opportunities ... but that also means your opportunities are forever constrained by where it is you go looking for them.

If you are using meetup.com, in my opinion, your are using online dating by proxy.

No issue if people prefer not to do it, but in my mind there is utterly and absolutely NO difference in how things progress towards a relationship after you meet one another, regardless if your origins were organic or online.

When people went out into the 'great wide world' they did so being full aware that their dating pool was going to be limited to who they could come into contact with. As a teen, or young adult on a school campus that's generally not a problem. As a middle aged divorced man or woman trying to work and support themselves and possibly children? The pickin's were mighty slim.


----------



## whitehawk

10,000 , that's about the same for me.

We're in the middle of 5 towns from 1,000 to 3,000 each .

Then 1/2 hr away's our main town 40,000 , then 3hrs away 6 million . I like the verity . 

The 40,000 has lots , and lots , of very nice women . Some of the local smaller ones also have more than enough to get me into lots of trouble 

A couple of them have nothing


----------



## Freak On a Leash

10,000. Wow. I think we have twice that in my town. I live in NJ. We got lots of people and stuff going on here. 

I'm not sweating the load about meeting people. If it happens, it happens. I haven't met anyone who has interested me in any case.


----------



## Deejo

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'm not sweating the load about meeting people. If it happens, it happens. I haven't met anyone who has interested me in any case.


Of the 35 or so women I met for dates, only a handful of those interested me. The meeting part is the goal.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Well geez, now I feel like a loser. There are a million people in a 25-mile radius here and I haven't found Mr. Right in 9 years! LOL

Of course for 2 of them I was with someone. And a lot of time (usually 6 months at a time) I'm not even looking. My best friend tells me the reason I'm not good at meeting people is because I'm purposeful in my day-to-day life. If I have an errand to run to Home Depot, it's to go, get what i need and come back to start or finish the job. She says I need to 'look up' more often vs. being focused on my task at hand. It's difficult as that is not my nature.

She told me to go to the hardware store and to tell a guy "I need a screw". 

My reply was "Why would I ask? I know what I need, where it is, etc." and that was her point. So now I ask for help even though I don't need it. Which feels stupid and girly and fake.


----------



## hope4family

EnjoliWoman said:


> Well geez, now I feel like a loser. There are a million people in a 25-mile radius here and I haven't found Mr. Right in 9 years! LOL
> 
> Of course for 2 of them I was with someone. And a lot of time (usually 6 months at a time) I'm not even looking. My best friend tells me the reason I'm not good at meeting people is because I'm purposeful in my day-to-day life. If I have an errand to run to Home Depot, it's to go, get what i need and come back to start or finish the job. She says I need to 'look up' more often vs. being focused on my task at hand. It's difficult as that is not my nature.
> 
> She told me to go to the hardware store and to tell a guy "I need a screw".
> 
> My reply was "Why would I ask? I know what I need, where it is, etc." and that was her point. So now I ask for help even though I don't need it. Which feels stupid and girly and fake.


Change your perception on this. 

What you are doing isn't making yourself feel stupid, girly and fake. You are just as a matter of fact. Changing the rules and allowing yourself to be more social. 

In both cases, you know where that good screw is. You can just have more fun getting to your destination.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Yes, that is another way to look at it. 

Side note - I get a lot of bad advice when I ask for help! I usually research what I need first so I know when I go in what I need and I've been given the wrong answer a LOT! When I retire I think I'll go work at a DIY store so I can give GOOD advice!


----------



## COguy

EnjoliWoman said:


> OK so I've not met Mr. Right yet but I did get two nice relationships, one still friendly with, out of match.com. What I have found in the past 9 years:
> 
> 1) Write emails long enough to get a feel for that other person - usually a couple weeks. If they respond with very little info, I assume talking to them is like pulling teeth or they are being evasive for some reason. Write daily and even more if it feels right. You can exchange email addresses early on if that's easier than the website you met on. Just make sure it is NOT your work or home email. Use a gmail, hotmail, yahoo... anything but aol or your local service provider such as comcast and don't have your full name in your email address.
> 
> 2) Don't waste MORE than a couple weeks (based on work/travel/kids) emailing. Arrange for a quick meeting for one drink or a cup of coffee on a weekend morning, etc. and make it clear you only have an hour before you have to be somewhere, even if it's meeting a friend to watch a game. This gives you an 'out' if they are not what they represented physically, if they are dull, annoying, etc.
> 
> If you DO like them, this method leaves both of you wanting more which is a nice way to end a first date/meeting. Lock in the second date.
> 
> 3) Don't give your phone number until you are sure they aren't psycho. Phone numbers can be traced to a physical address. Even if you bill goes to a PO box, you need a physical address to rent a PO box. Bottom line, you don't give your number until you are OK with them knowing where you live.
> 
> 4) Even if you are OK with them knowing where you live, don't rely on them to drive, pick you up or otherwise have you at their mercy until you are OK with that. Meet places. This also avoids falling into bed too soon and being in that happy rosey fog place where you think the crazy is actually cute.
> 
> 5) During the dating process, verify everything they tell you. Divorce records are often online in larger cities or more modern suburbs. The car they drive, their job, etc. If they own their home can usually be verified on line. I don't do this as a gold digger - I do this to make sure everything they tell me checks out. If it doesn't then I know they are lying about more than their address. They say they live on the west side of town but you find a house in their name on the east side. Why? Maybe they own a rental property or maybe haven't sold the marital home yet. Or maybe they live there with their spouse and are putting you off the scent. Check out everything that you can.
> 
> People that won't invest their time are either scammers, married or just looking for a quick hook up.


I followed rules very similar to this for my brief tour:

1&2. I never put any stake in a woman until I met her in person. I let people know up front I'd rather meet for a minute or two then waste weeks emailing back and forth. If someone doesn't want to meet for an hour there is probably something they are hiding, or they are a social reject and I'm saving myself time.

3. I gave out a spam google voice number that I can block #'s on until I confirmed they weren't psycho (ie 3 dates). This has already saved me.

4. Always met for a quick cup of coffee or drink, and I always told them I had somewhere to be after. It's good to keep these meetings short, keep them wanting more. People that want to drag on a first date have poor connection management. I know this because I used to do it.

As far as Deejo's comments, I completely agree. Someone who wants to keep talking online and phone and always shakes personal meetings has something to hide. If you're single and you like someone you WANT to meet them unless you are afraid of something.

I still stigmatize online dating, there are a million ways to meet people even if you're a single parent. I'll give people the benefit of the doubt, but not by much. If you are avoiding a personal encounter, I'll label you as weird and move on, content that my judgement is valid.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Easy for you to stigmatize, CoGuy, being a young stud built like a mountain man!  It gets harder the older one gets!


----------



## COguy

EnjoliWoman said:


> Easy for you to stigmatize, CoGuy, being a young stud built like a mountain man!  It gets harder the older one gets!


More bull riding, less match.com!


----------



## NoWhere

I'd come watch you ride the bull Enjoli.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Greeeaaaat. I stayed on for a whole 3 seconds so not much to see!

NoWhere, if you make it to the area, I'll ride it just for you!


----------



## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yes, that is another way to look at it.
> 
> Side note - I get a lot of bad advice when I ask for help! I usually research what I need first so I know when I go in what I need and I've been given the wrong answer a LOT! When I retire I think I'll go work at a DIY store so I can give GOOD advice!


Don't be fake. Just be yourself. 

I like the line about needing a good screw..uh..yeah.  :rofl:

But I can find my own tools if I need to do it myself.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Freak On a Leash said:


> Don't be fake. Just be yourself.
> 
> I like the line about needing a good screw..uh..yeah.  :rofl:
> 
> But I can find my own tools if I need to do it myself.


My BFF is a little less discerning in seeking a mate for me than I am.  The real me skeers men.  

From everything I've read (and been told by both genders) there is no role for a man because I can do everything I have to and therefore don't need a man. I intimidate men because like Geek, I know just enough about a lot of different things to ask good questions and carry on a conversation about most any topic. No, I don't NEED a man but I want one. 

And I'm more than HAPPY to turn over the reins, honest. I want a partner and actually a leader, not a Daddy. The right male won't be threatened by me.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Freak On a Leash said:


> Don't be fake. Just be yourself.
> 
> I like the line about needing a good screw..uh..yeah.  :rofl:
> 
> But I can find my own tools if I need to do it myself.


I have a toolbox!  :rofl: Two of them, even! Indoor and outdoor!


----------



## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> My BFF is a little less discerning in seeking a mate for me than I am.  The real me skeers men.
> 
> From everything I've read (and been told by both genders) there is no role for a man because I can do everything I have to and therefore don't need a man. I intimidate men because like Geek, I know just enough about a lot of different things to ask good questions and carry on a conversation about most any topic. No, I don't NEED a man but I want one.
> 
> And I'm more than HAPPY to turn over the reins, honest. I want a partner and actually a leader, not a Daddy. The right male won't be threatened by me.


:iagree: You sound JUST like me! I often intimidate men and definitely scare them. I thought about toning things down but what is the point? Sooner or later the "real me" is going to come out so why waste time? I'd rather know if someone is going to like me for who/what I am then put on an act and try and "pass" only to have things fall through later. 

Besides, I can't fake who I am very long. I am what I am and if someone can't handle it..oh well. Their loss.

No, I don't NEED a man but I wouldn't mind hanging around who can appreciate me for who and what I am. He'd better be an awfully secure guy though with a great sense of humor and a lot of self esteem. I have yet to find anyone who fits that description though. Either they are scared as hell by me or I'm bored by them.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> I have a toolbox!  :rofl: Two of them, even! Indoor and outdoor!


:lol: Me too! :smthumbup: :smthumbup:

I could go on about being able to "change the oil" and "do a lube job" but..this could get out of hand quickly..:rofl:


----------



## EnjoliWoman

LOL - yup!

But alas mine actually have TOOLS in them - outdoor one is large and metal and has power tools, drill bits, reciprocating saw blades, planer, etc. in it. Inside one is plastic and has screwdriver, hammer, level, pliers... for small, quick indoor repair stuff and picture hanging. 

Just in case the guys got the wrong idea of my definition of "tool"!


----------



## Freak On a Leash

:smthumbup: Shall I go on about the two different sized floor jacks plus jackstands, along with 2 diffent torque wrenches, breaker bar, SAE and metric sockets w/socket wrenches (from 1/2, 3/8, 1/4 drives.. plus adapters and extensions), adj wrenches, crescent wrenches, philips/flathead screwdrivers, torx/allen keys and bits, hammers, pliers, oil filter wrenches and much in the way of car detailing supplies?....And that's just in ONE garage. 

At home I got a smaller tool kit with a full assortment of Craftsman screwdrivers, paint brushes, pain, spackle, etc, etc. For the "Fix it in the apartment" stuff. 

What's under my bed I'll leave to your imagination. But a woman is NOTHING without her tools.


----------



## NoWhere

EnjoliWoman said:


> From everything I've read (and been told by both genders) there is no role for a man because I can do everything I have to and therefore don't need a man.


Everything?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

NoWhere said:


> Everything?


No, not everything. I really need someone to kill the spiders! And camel crickets - those things are evil and creepy!  There's plenty of need for a man at the house - it just takes a very secure male as I'm not a typical swooning female.


----------



## NoWhere

That's not what I had in mind. LOL. But yeah Spiders are evil so I can understand that.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

NoWhere said:


> That's not what I had in mind. LOL.


REALLY?!?! (feigning surprise) 

Yeah, it is hard to cuddle alone.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

NoWhere said:


> That's not what I had in mind. LOL. But yeah Spiders are evil so I can understand that.


Well I know what you had in mind! :rofl: And yes, there are SOME things you have to compromise on but yes, there are SOME things I can do by myself but it's not as good. But at least it's something. 

Spiders don't bother me. They kill insects that are worst then they are. My old house was loaded with them so I was always killing them in the house and I'm a big camper/outdoors person so bugs are no big deal any way. 

Now flies I REALLY hate and spiders eat them, thank goodness. But not nearly enough! Last summer I went camping down on the Chesapeake Bay and there were these HUGE flies that were literally divebombing my Jeep. I bought a flyswatter and some RAID and the flies and mosquitoes were so bad I had to go and buy a canopy tent with netting so I could eat in peace! 

I hate flies..


----------



## Pbartender

EnjoliWoman said:


> No, not everything. I really need someone to kill the spiders! And camel crickets - those things are evil and creepy!


A good cat will take care of spiders, bugs and assorted small rodents for you...

...just sayin'.


Pb.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Yeah..but then she's stuck with the CAT!


----------



## ku1980rose

Wow! I've been out of the loop for the last week or so because of my computer being in the shop. Now that I'm back, I see I missed pages and pages of things on this thread! 

I'll have to go back and read what's going on. 

As for me, I'm still emailing one guy from online dating. Cut off all ties with a guy I went on a couple of dates with. He was annoying and kind of rude. The one I'm still emailing and now texting seems okay, but he also seems a little "too perfect" sometimes. Know what I mean?


----------



## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yeah..but then she's stuck with the CAT!


Oh, no, no, no... You you've got that wrong... but then the CAT's stuck with HER!


Pb.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Pbartender said:


> A good cat will take care of spiders, bugs and assorted small rodents for you...
> 
> ...just sayin'.
> 
> 
> Pb.


Have cat AND cat door. Cat brings in moles, mice, birds, lizards, june bugs, cicadas (ewwww.... so freakin creepy!) and yesterday, a baby snake. Moles and bugs are usually dead, lizards, birds and mice have a 50/50 chance. Birds are usually perched in my 6' tall norfolk island pine tree inside or dead with feathers all over the freakin house. I have moustraps in about 5 different places to catch the loose ones. The snake from Thursday got away from kiddo and ended up under the baseboard so I don't know if it's alive or dead or where it is now. 

I love her and could not restrain her to the indoors (and I hate litter boxes) and I like the fact I have no moles in my yard eating bulbs. I have a set of kitchen tongs just for critter removal.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

:lol: This is why I'm glad I don't have a cat. Or a dog. My 15 year old son sheds, drools. eats me out of house and home, growls at me and destroys my carpet and furniture. What else do I need?


----------



## whitehawk

Deejo said:


> Of the 35 or so women I met for dates, only a handful of those interested me. The meeting part is the goal.



35 , Jesus you kidden ? 35 would get me into a WHOLE lot of trouble !
I've had the same pattern my whole life, I only ever meet 2 or 3 girls but it usually ends up one of those is just right.
Mind you , dunno what will follow this time - who knows it's been 18yrs.
Still , even with going absolutely no where since we split and living out here on my own mostly like an fkg munk , I'm already having trouble.
See my daughter and her friends come over a lot and some of them have some pretty hot mums.
I also get along with some of her friends really well too and that's well , sorta pissing my daughter off I think.
And then I joined some online dating joints- next story !

Anyway , so how many's a handful ?


----------



## whitehawk

EnjoliWoman said:


> Well geez, now I feel like a loser. There are a million people in a 25-mile radius here and I haven't found Mr. Right in 9 years! LOL
> 
> Of course for 2 of them I was with someone. And a lot of time (usually 6 months at a time) I'm not even looking. My best friend tells me the reason I'm not good at meeting people is because I'm purposeful in my day-to-day life. If I have an errand to run to Home Depot, it's to go, get what i need and come back to start or finish the job. She says I need to 'look up' more often vs. being focused on my task at hand. It's difficult as that is not my nature.
> 
> She told me to go to the hardware store and to tell a guy "I need a screw".
> 
> My reply was "Why would I ask? I know what I need, where it is, etc." and that was her point. So now I ask for help even though I don't need it. Which feels stupid and girly and fake.



Made me laugh , ain't it a fkr of a feeling feeling like a loser in love  
I'm even starting to think my daughter and her friends are feeling sorry for me , and her friends mums . Because I haven't hooked up with anyone , fk me it's only been 5 mths.
Hell I'm still asking myself why the fk I'd even want another women right now !


----------



## whitehawk

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree: We are in the same place it seems. Fortunately I don't mind my own company and do a lot alone. Wouldn't mind having someone cool to share it with but I'm good with being solo. As the weather gets warmer I'm starting to think about stuff I want to do this spring.
> 
> Sure wish I didn't have to drive 2-3 hours to get someplace pretty. I hate living here.



Do ya ? It's weird , I hated it here too 6yrs ago when we came. Now all this has happened so I should hate it even more . It's left me in a real pickle about where the fk to go if I sell though.
Because on one hand , 6yrs and I'm sort of like it here now , then there's my daughter but then , it's given me nothing but grief and then , I don't wanna be too close to my ex and her new life- fk :scratchhead:


----------



## whitehawk

EnjoliWoman said:


> My BFF is a little less discerning in seeking a mate for me than I am.  The real me skeers men.
> 
> From everything I've read (and been told by both genders) there is no role for a man because I can do everything I have to and therefore don't need a man. I intimidate men because like Geek, I know just enough about a lot of different things to ask good questions and carry on a conversation about most any topic. No, I don't NEED a man but I want one.
> 
> And I'm more than HAPPY to turn over the reins, honest. I want a partner and actually a leader, not a Daddy. The right male won't be threatened by me.


I dunno where women get this idea about men being intimidated by brains . It's bs . Most guys love a smart girl.
It's the same with the ego thing , hell women have just as bigger egos as guys if not bigger.

However- luv that word  One thing that does [email protected] me personally about some really bright women is they're no fun. They often seem to have a chip on their shoulder or always out to prove a point , argue , boring ! 

I don't think a lot of bright women realize stuff like this !


----------



## whitehawk

The latest on my online dating sites, it's been a big surprise to me .
At first I got nothin and thought these things are fkg bs.
So I joined another one , but then I found another one that looked even better so now I'm in 3.
So far I've met one girl that could very easily just take off , so I've been avoiding her because I'm just not ready for heavy basically.
Meanwhile others that I contacted before and around that time , just playing around on all 3 sites thinking it was all bs anyway, have all styarted getting back to me.
I didn't realize but a lot of people just drop in every few wks.

So now I've got 7 or 8 girls on 3 different sites , some of them are really nice too. Different names, longins, emailing systems all over the place and all of a sudden, holy fk this is getting confusing.


----------



## Pbartender

EnjoliWoman said:


> I love her and could not restrain her to the indoors (and I hate litter boxes) and I like the fact I have no moles in my yard eating bulbs. I have a set of kitchen tongs just for critter removal.


Just note that the life expectancy of an indoor cat is about 3-5 times that of an outdoor cat... 10-15 years (or more) vs. 3-5 years.

She's getting diseases and parasites from all those animals she's catching out there, and always runs the risk of getting hurt or killed by other animals or vehicles.

I had the best cat, and he was always an indoor cat. Except for fleas when we first brought him home from the shelter, he perfectly healthy and happy for all the ten years he'd owned us... Late last summer, he got out of the house for the first time and disappeared for two weeks straight. We finally found him without a scratch on him and brought him home.

Within a week, he was sick and dead from a kidney infection.


Pb.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

She's indoor/outdoor and gets regular vet visits and de-wormings. Yes, I know. I know to not say 'never' but she tends to prefer the back yard and woods behind. I'm on a quiet dead-end street. She gets regular kitty advantage. She doesn't like to fight other cats - I've seen her come running through the cat door when another cat is in the yard. She stays in all evening and spends most of the night on my bed. So far so good - she is 5 years old and healthy.


----------



## whitehawk

Well , I'm back to being continually and absolutely dismayed at the women on these sites and their out there demands.

" I prefer him to be of an athletic build and he must take pride in his appearance "
Meanwhile she's on there with pics of her in what - her gardening clothes or something.
The craziest picture choices your just dumbstruck with, like the back of her head , or laying on the couch with a doona smothering her face , over weight , looks like a grandma , hasn't even done her hair, it goes on and on and on .

News flash , this [email protected] id really beginning to make me sick again.

Or a fav' - there MUST - be physical attraction. 
Um hello , have you looked in the mirror and stepped onto any scales since you left school 20 yrs ago ?


----------



## ku1980rose

whitehawk said:


> Well , I'm back to being continually and absolutely dismayed at the women on these sites and their out there demands.
> 
> " I prefer him to be of an athletic build and he must take pride in his appearance "
> Meanwhile she's on there with pics of her in what - her gardening clothes or something.
> The craziest picture choices your just dumbstruck with, like the back of her head , or laying on the couch with a doona smothering her face , over weight , looks like a grandma , hasn't even done her hair, it goes on and on and on .
> 
> News flash , this [email protected] id really beginning to make me sick again.
> 
> Or a fav' - there MUST - be physical attraction.
> Um hello , have you looked in the mirror and stepped onto any scales since you left school 20 yrs ago ?


I've found the same with a lot of guys. Guys that put that they are looking for someone who is fit, but they are not fit themselves. Ugh. 

I remember a few guys I knew in college that said that they wanted their future wife to be a virgin, yet these guys weren't virgins themselves. 

Some people need to look in a mirror once in a while.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

ku1980rose said:


> I've found the same with a lot of guys. Guys that put that they are looking for someone who is fit, but they are not fit themselves. Ugh.
> 
> Some people need to look in a mirror once in a while.


Yup. I'm OK with a guy with some extra weight; I know I have mine. But these guys seem to think they are entitled to a 10. 

Or on the other extreme, they are willing to go out with someone with a few extra pounds like me but they are total couch potatoes. If the only things they want to do are "romantic evenings at home" that means: "I want to watch movies on my sofa night after night." No. I want to DO things and GO places. There are not a lot of fluffy-yet-active people apparently.


----------



## Pbartender

ku1980rose said:


> I've found the same with a lot of guys. Guys that put that they are looking for someone who is fit, but they are not fit themselves. Ugh.
> 
> I remember a few guys I knew in college that said that they wanted their future wife to be a virgin, yet these guys weren't virgins themselves.
> 
> Some people need to look in a mirror once in a while.


It's a problem with Modern Western Culture... We -- both men and women -- have a very skewed perception of our physical selves. Media infuses us with ridiculously high expectations of what our potential mates should look like. At the same time, realistic comparison with the average body type of the general populous allows us to delude ourselves into thinking we are in better shape and more active than we actually are.

So, we've ended up being a nation of fatties who all think we deserve to bag super-models.



EnjoliWoman said:


> Or on the other extreme, they are willing to go out with someone with a few extra pounds like me but they are total couch potatoes. If the only things they want to do are "romantic evenings at home" that means: "I want to watch movies on my sofa night after night." No. I want to DO things and GO places. There are not a lot of fluffy-yet-active people apparently.


No. Kidding.

I've spent the last 10 years spending "romantic nights at home" with AXW, because she never wanted to leave the kids with a babysitter. I was really looking forward to the time the kids were old enough to take care of themselves a bit, so AXW and I could start getting out and go doing some interesting things.


Pb.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Pbartender:
> So, we've ended up being a nation of fatties who all think we deserve to bag super-models.


OMG, I'm actually laughing out loud right now! You are SO RIGHT!

I'm DISCOURAGED by the number of men (I live in Michigan) who list their activities as "hunting" and "fishing" or "motorbike racing". 

Um, I don't know a WHOLE lot of women who are interested in ANY of those things. Even *if* you found one...aren't you supposed to NOT TALK when hunting (so the animals don't hear you), NOT TALK when fishing (because you'll 'scare' the fish), what would be the up-side of a woman WATCHING YOU race every weekend?!?

I see LOTS of men with relationship-UNfriendly activities listed! "I like watching/attending sporting events" What do you want to bet it's 95% watching and 5% attending! That reads "major couch potato" to me!

I am SO GLAD I already am a mother, because if I thought I *HAD* to wade through this dreck to find someone to marry/have children with WHILE MY CLOCK WAS TICKING, I think I'd take up some SERIOUS drinking!!! :rofl:


----------



## ku1980rose

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I am SO GLAD I already am a mother, because if I thought I *HAD* to wade through this dreck to find someone to marry/have children with WHILE MY CLOCK WAS TICKING, I think I'd take up some SERIOUS drinking!!! :rofl:


This is where I get frustrated. My clock is ticking. I want my own children. But, I sure as he11 am NOT going to settle.

I hate wading through all of this crap.

So glad I am applying for jobs in a more populated area this year! Can't wait to get where I can meet more people. Maybe go to some meetup events.! :smthumbup:


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Pbartender said:


> It's a problem with Modern Western Culture... We -- both men and women -- have a very skewed perception of our physical selves. Media infuses us with ridiculously high expectations of what our potential mates should look like. At the same time, realistic comparison with the average body type of the general populous allows us to delude ourselves into thinking we are in better shape and more active than we actually are.
> 
> So, we've ended up being a nation of fatties who all think we deserve to bag super-models.
> 
> 
> 
> No. Kidding.
> 
> I've spent the last 10 years spending "romantic nights at home" with AXW, because she never wanted to leave the kids with a babysitter. I was really looking forward to the time the kids were old enough to take care of themselves a bit, so AXW and I could start getting out and go doing some interesting things.
> 
> 
> Pb.


What is AXW? Almost ex wife?


----------



## Pbartender

EnjoliWoman said:


> What is AXW? Almost ex wife?


Yep. I was getting tired of typing "STBXW". 


Pb.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> Yup. I'm OK with a guy with some extra weight; I know I have mine. But these guys seem to think they are entitled to a 10.
> 
> Or on the other extreme, they are willing to go out with someone with a few extra pounds like me but they are total couch potatoes. If the only things they want to do are "romantic evenings at home" that means: "I want to watch movies on my sofa night after night." No. I want to DO things and GO places. There are not a lot of fluffy-yet-active people apparently.


This is funny. I tried to go out with a girl that was not totally athletic that I met online. Sweet girl. But, one thing I learned, I have to have someone who is an athlete. I get up every morning. I bust my butt to take care of myself. I eat right. I run mountains, do crossfit, and spend a ton of time taking care of myself physically. If you can't spend that time with me, there is the door. It just doesn't work. So, I have become EXTREMELY picky. My current gf does crossfit with me, plays sports, and we run races together like Spartan Race and Tough Mudder. It creates a whole different appreciation in me towards her. 

AND, I didn't meet her online........obviously. lol. We actually chance met at all things......BINGO. Bahahahaha!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

That's why when I see a guys pics doing those things I pass by. I'm more of a day hiker, casual bike rider, wii fit or dance, love to swim, hit the gym 3x a week and get exercise building a rock wall or a gazebo, etc. type of girl but not hard core like that. But guys who are willing to date a girl like me seem to be utter couch potatoes and that's not me, either.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> That's why when I see a guys pics doing those things I pass by. I'm more of a day hiker, casual bike rider, wii fit or dance, love to swim, hit the gym 3x a week and get exercise building a rock wall or a gazebo, etc. type of girl but not hard core like that. But guys who are willing to date a girl like me seem to be utter couch potatoes and that's not me, either.


I've heard that before. When I was dating that girl, she would talk about how the guys she had dated where not even close to me in taking care of themselves, going out and doing things, etc. She loved the fact that I always was interested in getting out and doing stuff. Problem was, I was too hardcore for her. I would tell any of my friends to date her. She was great. She had a great personality, sense of humor..... I just needed more. It kind of makes you want to look at guys and go, "So, you are lonely, don't be such a sloth, and you won't be."


----------



## ku1980rose

Dedicated2Her said:


> This is funny. I tried to go out with a girl that was not totally athletic that I met online. Sweet girl. But, one thing I learned, I have to have someone who is an athlete. I get up every morning. I bust my butt to take care of myself. I eat right. I run mountains, do crossfit, and spend a ton of time taking care of myself physically. If you can't spend that time with me, there is the door. It just doesn't work. So, I have become EXTREMELY picky. My current gf does crossfit with me, plays sports, and we run races together like Spartan Race and Tough Mudder. It creates a whole different appreciation in me towards her.
> 
> AND, I didn't meet her online........obviously. lol. We actually chance met at all things......BINGO. Bahahahaha!



This is one reason I am absolutely truthful and put on my profile that I am not really athletic. I politely say that if someone is looking for the athletic type it's not me. I think it's good that you have become extremely picky. If that is important to you, then you should look for someone who fits that.


----------



## ku1980rose

Ok. I am soooooo steamed by this guy that I have to share it here! I thought maybe I wouldn't be as upset this morning, but I still am. 

I went out on a couple of dates with this guy that I met online. Wasn't real excited after the first date, but gave him a second chance. Then decided he wasn't for me, so told him that we weren't a good match, but we could hang out as friends sometime. (We live in a very rural area and it never hurts to have friends your own age to just hang out with.)

So, he has contacted me a couple of times lately about meeting up and last night I said I would. Why not? He is a nice enough guy, but we just didn't hit it off.

So, we went out for a couple drinks and to grab a bite to eat. I thought hanging out as friends might be easier than being on a "date." 

I should've stuck to my initial feelings after our dates. :redcard: There were some things he said and did during our dates that bothered me, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Decided he was probably nervous and maybe didn't have the best dating skills.

Man, was I wrong!! He is such a jerk! First off, he doesn't listen well. I end up repeating myself 10 times about things throughout a conversation because he is off in la-la land. He also doesn't listen and then interrupts me with his own thoughts. And then tells me that he does listen but that I talk too much. :wtf:

Second, he put down my family. During one of our dates I talked about my nephew playing clarinet in band. He laughed when I said that. I asked him what was wrong with playing clarinet in band and he said he was laughing at something else. But, this time, I was talking about my "stepson" (The son of a deceased ex boyfriend) who just moved back to the area with his boyfriend. (Yes, he is gay.) Now, I know not everyone has to agree with him being gay, but you don't put down someone's "family." He said, "What did you say? HIS BOYFRIEND?? Not HER boyfriend??" and looked horrified and laughed. 

Another thing. At one point he said, "If I hang out with you long enough I'm just going to have to start taking shots." 

I asked, "Why?"

His response: "Why would I hang out with you?"

"No, you said if you hang out with me too long you'd start taking shots. Why?"

"You're asking why I'd hang out with you too long?"

"No! I asked why you would start taking shots??!!"

And then he changed to another subject.

And there were a multitude of other things. Just a$$hole comments and laughing at inappropriate times. I think that he thinks that he is making jokes, but they are not funny.

After the thing about my "stepson" I basically told him that I was finished talking to him. I politely asked him to delete my number from his phone and not contact me again.

My problem???? I am too nice sometimes. I should've punched him in the face and walked out. issed:


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



ku1980rose said:


> Ok. I am soooooo steamed by this guy that I have to share it here! I thought maybe I wouldn't be as upset this morning, but I still am.
> 
> I went out on a couple of dates with this guy that I met online. Wasn't real excited after the first date, but gave him a second chance. Then decided he wasn't for me, so told him that we weren't a good match, but we could hang out as friends sometime. (We live in a very rural area and it never hurts to have friends your own age to just hang out with.)
> 
> So, he has contacted me a couple of times lately about meeting up and last night I said I would. Why not? He is a nice enough guy, but we just didn't hit it off.
> 
> So, we went out for a couple drinks and to grab a bite to eat. I thought hanging out as friends might be easier than being on a "date."
> 
> I should've stuck to my initial feelings after our dates. :redcard: There were some things he said and did during our dates that bothered me, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Decided he was probably nervous and maybe didn't have the best dating skills.
> 
> Man, was I wrong!! He is such a jerk! First off, he doesn't listen well. I end up repeating myself 10 times about things throughout a conversation because he is off in la-la land. He also doesn't listen and then interrupts me with his own thoughts. And then tells me that he does listen but that I talk too much. :wtf:
> 
> Second, he put down my family. During one of our dates I talked about my nephew playing clarinet in band. He laughed when I said that. I asked him what was wrong with playing clarinet in band and he said he was laughing at something else. But, this time, I was talking about my "stepson" (The son of a deceased ex boyfriend) who just moved back to the area with his boyfriend. (Yes, he is gay.) Now, I know not everyone has to agree with him being gay, but you don't put down someone's "family." He said, "What did you say? HIS BOYFRIEND?? Not HER boyfriend??" and looked horrified and laughed.
> 
> Another thing. At one point he said, "If I hang out with you long enough I'm just going to have to start taking shots."
> 
> I asked, "Why?"
> 
> His response: "Why would I hang out with you?"
> 
> "No, you said if you hang out with me too long you'd start taking shots. Why?"
> 
> "You're asking why I'd hang out with you too long?"
> 
> "No! I asked why you would start taking shots??!!"
> 
> And then he changed to another subject.
> 
> And there were a multitude of other things. Just a$$hole comments and laughing at inappropriate times. I think that he thinks that he is making jokes, but they are not funny.
> 
> After the thing about my "stepson" I basically told him that I was finished talking to him. I politely asked him to delete my number from his phone and not contact me again.
> 
> My problem???? I am too nice sometimes. I should've punched him in the face and walked out. issed:


The good thing about just keeping relationships to just friendships is that you can have a lot of differences but still appreciate each other. That is how people overcome differences. I doubt he was trying to put your family down, was just not aware of the meaning of his opinion, instead of wanting to punch him you should have just asked him why he would say such a thing and let him know how you took it do he could be made aware of how his words affect others.

But yes when you realize that a relationship is detrimental to your own state of being it is good to get yourself out of those situations, distance yourself from people in your life that will drain your spirit.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

ku1980rose:

What do you want to bet this asshat will CALL YOU AGAIN in a couple months when he's bored and there's no-one to hang out with. Then he'll act CLUELESS that you can't stand him...like WHAT!? Ugh. Hope YOU can block HIS number on your phone!


----------



## ku1980rose

Lon said:


> The good thing about just keeping relationships to just friendships is that you can have a lot of differences but still appreciate each other. That is how people overcome differences. I doubt he was trying to put your family down, was just not aware of the meaning of his opinion, instead of wanting to punch him you should have just asked him why he would say such a thing and let him know how you took it do he could be made aware of how his words affect others.
> 
> But yes when you realize that a relationship is detrimental to your own state of being it is good to get yourself out of those situations, distance yourself from people in your life that will drain your spirit.


Yes, that is the good thing about friendships. However, I could never spend more time around this guy. Maybe he has a sense of humor that I just don't get. I don't know. But, this could also be why he isn't in a relationship and doesn't seem to have other people he hangs out with.

I did let him know how he was coming across at times and that didn't seem to phase him.

Oh well, not my problem.


----------



## ku1980rose

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> ku1980rose:
> 
> What do you want to bet this asshat will CALL YOU AGAIN in a couple months when he's bored and there's no-one to hang out with. Then he'll act CLUELESS that you can't stand him...like WHAT!? Ugh. Hope YOU can block HIS number on your phone!


I sure hope he doesn't!!! 

I don't think he will. 

He really was a weirdo. Sure didn't come across like a weirdo at first, but just got weirder as time went on.


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## ku1980rose

Satya said:


> Just a general comment. Beware of the late night booty call from your online date. This booty call usually occurs after 1am and is typically done while the person calling is in a taxi moving to and from the various clubs they are going to with their "buddies." It gives fascinating insight into the social life of your date. They ask you a series of lame, slurred questions followed by, "so when can I see you again? I was thinking of you." Then as you attempt to respond they blurt, "we're here, gotta go!" *click*
> 
> Eject the bootycaller with all haste.


Lol! Luckily there aren't any taxis in my area! haha!

I've met these guys before. Not just online dates, but other guys I've met. Dumba$$e$


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## Freak On a Leash

Rose, I now the pickings are slim where you live but I'd totally block that loser from your life, if you haven't already. You've given him more than enough chances. Why spend time with someone who totally aggravates you? For that you could've stayed married.


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## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yup. I'm OK with a guy with some extra weight; I know I have mine. But these guys seem to think they are entitled to a 10.
> 
> Or on the other extreme, they are willing to go out with someone with a few extra pounds like me but they are total couch potatoes. If the only things they want to do are "romantic evenings at home" that means: "I want to watch movies on my sofa night after night." No. I want to DO things and GO places. There are not a lot of fluffy-yet-active people apparently.


I could NEVER go out with a "couch potato". I don't think this is limited to just "fluffy" people. My husband is tall and thin but he is the personification of a "couch potato". His idea of a romantic evening was to see what was on Netflix, watch a movie and go to sleep by 10 pm. I want to go OUT and party at 10 pm! It was one of the biggest nails in the coffin that was our marriage. He wasn't always like this. I think it has to do with state of mind more than anything else.

Being overweight probably doesn't help though but what came first, the fat that makes you like that or the urge to just sit and watch TV and eat..which makes you fat? :scratchhead:

I think there's a lot of latitude with the term "extra weight". Some people think 10lbs over is to much weight. Others are OK with 50. Some people carry weight very well so it's not that big of an issue. It's all in how you present yourself. 

Yesterday I was at a bar where there was this younger womanl who was definitely on the "curvy" side. From what you describe Enjoli, she could've been like you. She wasn't "overweight" but she wasn't thin. But she had her hair done up nicely, was dressed VERY attractively and carried herself extremely well. You could tell she was confident in herself and she looked like she's fun. I can't imagine how any man wouldn't have wanted to date her. I thought she was a very attractive woman and if any man had called her "fat" I would've told him he was crazy. 

No, she wasn't thin or athletic but she was definitely hot!. It's a shame how there's this narrow standard out there when it comes to attractiveness. Why does everyone have to be tall and thin as a rail to be considered good looking? MOST of the human population (myself included) does NOT fit this criteria and it's unrealistic to expect to find someone that looks like a Hollywood movie star.

I don't like big beer guts and I like my men on the tall side (6' and up) but for me, it's not about the initial attraction. I have met good looking guys who, after about 10 minutes of talking to them I think "jerk" and am totally turned off by them. I've also met some not so attractive guys who have great pesonalities and would go out with in a second. 

For me though, I rarely am attracted to a man in "that way". There's lots of guys I wouldn't mind hanging with but when they want to take it to "the next level" I pull back. I don't know fit this is a residual of my marriage but I think not. I was like this even before I got married, when I was very young. It's always been a problem because it can take me weeks to like someone and if someone comes on too strong I get turned off. 

It's funny, because my 18 year old daughter is the SAME way. I wonder if it's genetic? :scratchhead:


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## NoWhere

ku1980rose said:


> Yes, that is the good thing about friendships. However, I could never spend more time around this guy. Maybe he has a sense of humor that I just don't get. I don't know. But, this could also be why he isn't in a relationship and doesn't seem to have other people he hangs out with.
> 
> I did let him know how he was coming across at times and that didn't seem to phase him.
> 
> Oh well, not my problem.


Guy sounds like a complete weirdo. You haven't heard the last of him though. Wait till he's drunk some night.


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## EnjoliWoman

Freak On a Leash said:


> I think there's a lot of latitude with the term "extra weight". Some people think 10lbs over is to much weight. Others are OK with 50. Some people carry weight very well so it's not that big of an issue. It's all in how you present yourself.
> 
> Yesterday I was at a bar where there was this younger womanl who was definitely on the "curvy" side. From what you describe Enjoli, she could've been like you. She wasn't "overweight" but she wasn't thin. But she had her hair done up nicely, was dressed VERY attractively and carried herself extremely well. You could tell she was confident in herself and she looked like she's fun. I can't imagine how any man wouldn't have wanted to date her. I thought she was a very attractive woman and if any man had called her "fat" I would've told him he was crazy.
> 
> No, she wasn't thin or athletic but she was definitely hot!. It's a shame how there's this narrow standard out there when it comes to attractiveness. Why does everyone have to be tall and thin as a rail to be considered good looking? MOST of the human population (myself included) does NOT fit this criteria and it's unrealistic to expect to find someone that looks like a Hollywood movie star.


I wear a size 16 and I'm 5'6.5" so the height helps for sure. I had to ask COGuy if I was putting my body type appropriately and he agrees I'm built a lot like Adele. I've been this same size for a long time. I think when it comes to online profiles if I put "overweight" (which I am) it will sound like I'm a huge cow (which I'm not) so I always put "a few extra pounds". Yeah, it's more than a few but I'd rather just let the photos tell the story. If they are interested, great. If not, no prob.


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## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> I wear a size 16 and I'm 5'6.5" so the height helps for sure. I had to ask COGuy if I was putting my body type appropriately and he agrees I'm built a lot like Adele. I've been this same size for a long time. I think when it comes to online profiles if I put "overweight" (which I am) it will sound like I'm a huge cow (which I'm not) so I always put "a few extra pounds". Yeah, it's more than a few but I'd rather just let the photos tell the story. If they are interested, great. If not, no prob.


I bet you're not overweight. First of all, you're tall. Maybe you could lose some (can't we all!) but if YOU are happy with yourself then THAT is what counts! If you do look like Adele, then I wouldn't worry. I guess the girl I was describing fits in that category as well. I just remember thinking how well she carried herself and I liked how she was dressed. It's in all in how you present yourself. 

I have a certain "look" myself. You find a look that you are comfortable and it becomes yours. If someone else isn't down with that then who the heck wants to be with them anyway? I'll tell you this, I'm no supermodel but I like who and what I am and that translates to others. If you are comfortable in your own skin then it doesn't matter what others think. 

It must be rough to describe yourself in the online world. I def wouldn't go with "overweight" because that conjures up an image that isn't flattering. "Curvy" would be a good way and then let the photos tell the story. If they meet you and aren't impressed then who gives a damn, right?


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## EnjoliWoman

Love your attitude Freak. I'm harder on myself (like most of us). I have a hard time changing because I kind of like me. I worry I'm using weight as a defense mechanism to keep away shallow men. But I'm shallow in certain ways, too. Nice teeth are a big deal to me - not perfect model teeth but relatively straight and well maintained. But no loss if we don't click - I just don't want to misrepresent myself and waste my time with someone who would never be attracted to me. I feel pretty darn cute today in leggings and long denim shirt.


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## Freak On a Leash

We are all shallow Enjoli. When you come down to it, we are human beings and like what we like. If I like chocolate ice cream is it right to be told that there is something wrong with me for liking it over vanilla? Physical attraction is the same thing. You either have it or you don't and you can't talk yourself into it. 

I like tall men. I wouldn't go out with a really overweight man. I don't seem to be too fussy about hair but I do like men who present themselves as "youthful". They gotta be within my age group. Does this make me a bad person? I don't think so. Some would call me unrealistic or say that my standards are too high. But they aren't me. I am only concerned what I want and like. 

If a guy doesn't like short women who talk a lot and are a bit crazy then he's not going to like me. I don't take that personally. I can tell there's guys out there who aren't into me. I can tell there are those who are. It's no big deal. I am what I am and I don't plan on changing or conforming to anyone else's standards. 

You gotta like who you are and hope for the best. You can only be the best you can be. :smthumbup:


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## bussunda100

I met 2 out of my 3 dates since I have been divorced through online dating. IT's easy, fast and delivers. Better than sitting at your house on your on man...trust me. By the way I'm from a metropolitan area, Sometimes I go out with friends, sometimes alone sometimes with people I met online.

Sometimes I think my dates are not "cut" or meant to be this new special person in my life but what the heck...Doesn't hurt meet some new people out there and at least go for a beer right? 
Actually yesterday I had an all nighter with this nice girl I met online. She is nice and all but not my 100% type if you know what I mean but I had a good time with her and it was fun the night out.


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## bussunda100

My first rule as a new single is not to be so hard on myself. Enjoy and takes it as it comes....one step at the time getting my dating life back...


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## stillhoping

Had my first "online" date on Friday, a really nice guy, a doctor actually. We had a great first date, casual, comfortable, talked about work, family, plans for the summer, etc. Short and sweet. Is it going anywhere, probably not, no great spark, but so worth the time. I had one man for 30 years, need to get out there to see what else is going on, right?


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## whitehawk

Now I don't wanna be a downer to anyone enjoying the online thing but - I'm afraid I've turned again and seriously thinking deleting that damn account.
I did meet one seriously special girl so far but I'm not going anywhere with it , it's just too soon for me.

But what's turned me again is two that I'd emailed before her , both got back to me just the other day and both said exactly the same thing.
"Thanks for saying hello , why don't you write me an email about yourself "
Ummm , hello !!! why don't you read my fkg profile and write me a fkg email about yourself .

I mean it's bs . What you meet someone out in the real world , through friends or a club or whatever who knows but what - the first thing she says is oh - why don't you write me an email about yourself , yeah right !!!.
I dunno , it just made me sick. I'm zapping that damn account and getting back to the real world.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: New online dating thread*



whitehawk said:


> Now I don't wanna be a downer to anyone enjoying the online thing but - I'm afraid I've turned again and seriously thinking deleting that damn account.
> I did meet one seriously special girl so far but I'm not going anywhere with it , it's just too soon for me.
> 
> But what's turned me again is two that I'd emailed before her , both got back to me just the other day and both said exactly the same thing.
> "Thanks for saying hello , why don't you write me an email about yourself "
> Ummm , hello !!! why don't you read my fkg profile and write me a fkg email about yourself .
> 
> I mean it's bs . What you meet someone out in the real world , through friends or a club or whatever who knows but what - the first thing she says is oh - why don't you write me an email about yourself , yeah right !!!.
> I dunno , it just made me sick. I'm zapping that damn account and getting back to the real world.


You sound angry. With online, their request for info is akin to "tell me a little about yourself". Why wouldn't you take the opportunity? It's like when you get an interview, you won't just tell the prospective employer to just read your resume... Your profile is a way for women to filter out ones they aren't interested in, but some may prefer to skip that part, either way you garnered some interest from these ones, so why would you quit now?


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## NoWhere

whitehawk said:


> I did meet one seriously special girl so far but I'm not going anywhere with it , it's just too soon for me.


 If its too soon for you why are you dating? Just to meet people you won't date because its too soon? 

AS far as your emails you got. It sounds like those women probably have a lot of men emailing them and are just trying to weed some out. I'd either write something to do them or just mark them off your list. You could flip the tables and write one email and send it to both of them.


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## whitehawk

Lon said:


> You sound angry. With online, their request for info is akin to "tell me a little about yourself". Why wouldn't you take the opportunity? It's like when you get an interview, you won't just tell the prospective employer to just read your resume... Your profile is a way for women to filter out ones they aren't interested in, but some may prefer to skip that part, either way you garnered some interest from these ones, so why would you quit now?




So the girls can feel insulted up on their throne when you skip their profile but , once again , can do that with you and it's fine. See what I mean.

An interview - exactly . I'm not being interviewed by someone that 1 , hasn't even bothered to read my stuff but two , where I can't do some interviewing of my own at the same time just like we would be doing in the real world and while I can actually see who I'm interviewing to. 
Because so far all bar one I've met have bs'd on their stuff and pics so bad you wouldn't even know them or have bothered anyway.

But hey , that might all be a me thing , I don't care I can't stand them sorry but , good luck to everyone else . What ever makes you happy is fine with me..


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## Holland

You don't sound ready to date whitehawk. 

Online is what you make of it as is any other way to meet people. You come across as bitter and jaded and this is not a good place to be in if you want to date.


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## whitehawk

NoWhere said:


> If its too soon for you why are you dating? Just to meet people you won't date because its too soon?
> 
> AS far as your emails you got. It sounds like those women probably have a lot of men emailing them and are just trying to weed some out. I'd either write something to do them or just mark them off your list. You could flip the tables and write one email and send it to both of them.


Hey Nowhere , mentioned a bit on the rest above there so but dating. Ahh , not really, just browsing I guess but if I was to meet something light and breezy for now , I'd be into it.
I do really miss female company on a closer level .


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## whitehawk

Holland said:


> You don't sound ready to date whitehawk.
> 
> Online is what you make of it as is any other way to meet people. You come across as bitter and jaded and this is not a good place to be in if you want to date.



Yeah I know I must be , I am feeling that way . I think people lately must be thinking I've got a real bee up my [email protected]@
Think I have !


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## Holland

We've all been there whitehawk, you got a SOH at least


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## Freak On a Leash

Whitehawk,

See what happens when you don't get enough sex? It makes you irritable. That's why we women miss it so much! 

I don't do online dating because it would irritate the hell out of me. I get irritated enough as it is. 

Just chill and enjoy and try not take these things personally. I don't know why people are in such a rush to jump out of the frying pan into the fire by going from marriage to a relationship so fast.

If you just want to get out there and mix it up then do the online dating thing. It's like adding flavored creamer to your coffee...It's another option besides milk or Half & Half. If you are taking it personally and it pisses you off then take up a hobby or something and forget about it.


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## whitehawk

Freak On a Leash said:


> Whitehawk,
> 
> See what happens when you don't get enough sex? It makes you irritable. That's why we women miss it so much!
> 
> I don't do online dating because it would irritate the hell out of me. I get irritated enough as it is.
> 
> Just chill and enjoy and try not take these things personally. I don't know why people are in such a rush to jump out of the frying pan into the fire by going from marriage to a relationship so fast.
> 
> If you just want to get out there and mix it up then do the online dating thing. It's like adding flavored creamer to your coffee...It's another option besides milk or Half & Half. If you are taking it personally and it pisses you off then take up a hobby or something and forget about it.



My Freak, hmm, I like that one, where was I. Ahh yes, I dunno what the fk I want . I'm all fkd up


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## NoWhere

whitehawk said:


> Hey Nowhere , mentioned a bit on the rest above there so but dating. Ahh , not really, just browsing I guess but if I was to meet something light and breezy for now , I'd be into it.
> I do really miss female company on a closer level .


Well personally I think getting out there and dating would be beneficial to you as long as you don't allow yourself to get attached. Online dating and meeting people can be a mixed bag as sometimes you will feel rejected and sometimes you will get a huge ego boost. You just need to jump the gun and go meet a bunch of women. It will build confidence. Plus you might meet someone who just loves to have sex. You really don't owe these women anything, but a good time, as long as you don't make promises. I think it will help you move on and get that bee out of you as$.


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## Freak On a Leash

I don't know if I agree with this. If you are feeling angry and resentful about your last relationship (which I think Whitehawk is) then you don't want to take that baggage into a new dating life. It doesn't build confidence or make you feel good. Quite the opposite, you tend to focus on the negative and lose confidence. 

I think this is the time to concentrate on oneself and engage in activities which make you feel good and fulfilled, not remind you of how crappy life is because you can't find someone to date or have sex with.


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## whitehawk

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't know if I agree with this. If you are feeling angry and resentful about your last relationship (which I think Whitehawk is) then you don't want to take that baggage into a new dating life. It doesn't build confidence or make you feel good. Quite the opposite, you tend to focus on the negative and lose confidence.
> 
> I think this is the time to concentrate on oneself and engage in activities which make you feel good and fulfilled, not remind you of how crappy life is because you can't find someone to date or have sex with.


Yeah that's what I'm thinking Freak and besides , for the first time in my life I don't even feel like sex right now let alone something casual.
But in a way Nowhere's right , some easy light fun would be great but that never works too good for me anyway.Either I'm a good catch or I just hook up with the wrong types not sure but one way or another they always fall in love and then it's here we go again.

I was really enjoying hanging out with the phyco chick and her beach house but unfortunately her crazy side was getting a bit much. Great girl until she loses herself. Already getting very attached too, almost wife like- too much.
If only she woulda been happy to just keep on talking , music , getting stoned and drunk all night for another 6 mths , I'd still be enjoying myself of sorts .


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

This relates ONLY TO ME and is dependent on my age, where I am in my life, etc. I don't mean to suggest this FOR ANYONE ELSE!

I have put my profile on 'hold' for the last couple of months for a couple of reasons:

I don't feel ready to 'date' and trying to find someone to hang out and do stuff with on a dating site does NOT seem to go well (they see 'hang out' and read 'hook up for ONS'); better off going to meetup.com
Why should I assume that the best match for me is going to be here in this city JUST BECAUSE I AM?!? Isn't it just as likely that the best match for me is right this minute in Spain, or Chile or Iowa or the Caribbean doing God knows what RIGHT NOW! Why rush life? Why insist on a 'relationship' with someone who is just the best of the local selection (sounds a lot like the dreaded TAM 'Plan B')?
I feel NO PRESSURE to find another relationship EVER (although I've got to find some sex somewhere....no kidding!), but that is because I have the advantage of a biological clock that has run out of ticks! I *know* how tough it is for women who want to meet someone and start a family; my heart goes out to them because I can empathize with how that feels! But *THAT* is NOT me any more!
The lack of pressure to FIND SOMEONE within a constrained period of time is VERY LIBERATING! I think I prefer to go OUT in the real world and meet FRIENDS who may turn into potential DATES instead of vice versa!


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## hope4family

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> The lack of pressure to FIND SOMEONE within a constrained period of time is VERY LIBERATING! I think I prefer to go OUT in the real world and meet FRIENDS who may turn into potential DATES instead of vice versa!


Thanks, I found this post quite liberating.


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## Freak On a Leash

whitehawk said:


> I was really enjoying hanging out with the phyco chick and her beach house but unfortunately her crazy side was getting a bit much. Great girl until she loses herself. Already getting very attached too, almost wife like- too much.
> If only she woulda been happy to just keep on talking , music , getting stoned and drunk all night for another 6 mths , I'd still be enjoying myself of sorts .


THAT is the problem! You figure you'll go out and have a "fun" relationship. Maybe a FWB type deal? Great. But MOST people, especially women, can't help but be drawn into the romantic aspect of it. Friends With Benefits that REALLY work are very rare because sooner or later someone will fall for the other person and the "friend" aspect becomes lost. 

To me, a FWB is clear cut. You are FRIENDS and you have sex to answer a physical need and because it's fun. It's just an extension of the FRIENDSHIP. However if one of you does want to break it off, meets someone else, etc..then you have to be cool about it and just go back to being friends. The romantic part of it can't and doesn't exist. There IS no committed relationship, no romantic one. It can't exist. It's a friendship with sex. A bitter pill to swallow for many. 

It's a hard situation because it has to be MUTUAL. I don't see it happen often. I did it once and it worked beautifully. Wouldn't mind doing it again.  I'm in the right frame of mind but meeting someone who actually turns me on in "that" way is the problem. 

If it happens, then I'll know. Until then, I'll just have friends to party and drink with.  The "not caring" is the clue. If you or the other person winds up caring too much then it doesn't work.


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## Freak On a Leash

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I don't feel ready to 'date' and trying to find someone to hang out and do stuff with on a dating site does NOT seem to go well (they see 'hang out' and read 'hook up for ONS'); better off going to meetup.com


I love meetup.com for my social life. Most of my old friends are married and "old" mentally and physically. They have no desire go out and do the things that I want to do. I am fine alone but I like to go out and mix it up socially too. That's where meetup comes in. I meet people who are LIKE me...in my age group, single or getting divorced and LIKE to do the same things I like to do. I belong to social meetups, hiking and kayaking meetups. It's awesome! :smthumbup:

As a result my social calendar is quite full and I have met some great people. I haven't met anyone I want to date yet but it's not a priority. If it happens, it happens. 



> I feel NO PRESSURE to find another relationship EVER (although I've got to find some sex somewhere....no kidding!), but that is because I have the advantage of a biological clock that has run out of ticks! I *know* how tough it is for women who want to meet someone and start a family; my heart goes out to them because I can empathize with how that feels! But *THAT* is NOT me any more!


My desire to have a relationship isn't really there. I don't want to be tied down at all. I would like to have fun and find someone I can connect to both emotionally and physically. But I want my life to be my own. I'm done with raising a family and I don't want to become involved in someone else's family at all. 




> The lack of pressure to FIND SOMEONE within a constrained period of time is VERY LIBERATING! I think I prefer to go OUT in the real world and meet FRIENDS who may turn into potential DATES instead of vice versa!


:iagree: :iagree: I am absolutely 150% in agreement there! :smthumbup:


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## hope4family

Satya said:


> I'm coming from the other side. Just signed up on eHarmony after 2 years of the old fashioned style of meeting people through friends. That was really going nowhere and friends were hesitant to hook me up because if something went pear shaped they'd worry about getting blamed.
> 
> I guess you just do what seems best at the time. I'm also not pressuring myself but it be nice to learn to date again.


It's not a bad mindset to have. Whatever you do, I like Tunera's advice on just taking it one day at a time. 

Otherwise, learn to enjoy yourself and not to say yes to the first cool one that comes along. Unless you know, they are just "that awesome." 

Also, wth is up with friends who dont hook you up because they are afraid they will be blamed? I thought it was part of the trust circle n whatnot. I dont blame my friend for turning someone on to me and then it doesn't work out. Thats supposed to be "on us". Not the friend.


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## hope4family

Question for the room. I am 5"8/5"9 @ 155lbs and am asking for opinions on build types. I think I am average/slim (because I am a mens small now in most cases.)

Any volunteers?


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## ku1980rose

hope4family said:


> Question for the room. I am 5"8/5"9 @ 155lbs and am asking for opinions on build types. I think I am average/slim (because I am a mens small now in most cases.)
> 
> Any volunteers?



I would definitely say slim.


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## ku1980rose

whitehawk said:


> Now I don't wanna be a downer to anyone enjoying the online thing but - I'm afraid I've turned again and seriously thinking deleting that damn account.
> I did meet one seriously special girl so far but I'm not going anywhere with it , it's just too soon for me.
> 
> But what's turned me again is two that I'd emailed before her , both got back to me just the other day and both said exactly the same thing.
> "Thanks for saying hello , why don't you write me an email about yourself "
> Ummm , hello !!! why don't you read my fkg profile and write me a fkg email about yourself .
> 
> I mean it's bs . What you meet someone out in the real world , through friends or a club or whatever who knows but what - the first thing she says is oh - why don't you write me an email about yourself , yeah right !!!.
> I dunno , it just made me sick. I'm zapping that damn account and getting back to the real world.


I began to feel this way about online dating, too. Unfortunately, where I live, it's very hard to meet people either way. I live in a VERY RURAL AREA, a town of 300 people and no cities close by. So, I did some online dating. I found that the same few people were on every dating site out here. And I, too, got tired of the dumb emails! 

Luckily, I'm moving to a more populated area this summer!


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## Freak On a Leash

I'm in the most densely populated state in the country but have yet to meet anyone. Of course I haven't tried online dating so am not a good judge. I'm pretty much sticking to just socializing through clubs and Meetup. 

A friend of mine does it a lot and she met a nice guy on POF. She's pretty methodical and open minded so that helps.


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## whitehawk

Yeah, know what you mean Freak , don't think
l've ever had ad FWB that did't get messy.
1 girl , gees l loved her , as a friend l mean.
Angie , always thought we were cool and would
be life long friends until- one day after 4 yrs
l get the letter. She's been inlove with me the
whole time. lt really upset me that one l just
always hoped we'd be around forever, uncomplicated.
But once that heppens it changes everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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