# Seperated, starting divorce, wife dating



## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

So a month ago, me and my wife started our seperation. We agreed on terms of kids/money/bills. Once I left, she completely alienated me. Disn't want me anywhere the house unless she said so. As I left I knew a friend of hers was texting her cute lovey dovey stuff, which I acted like I didn't mind (180). Now I learn that he is one of the 2 guys who is helping her finish the 2 br basement which I started, and she will rent out one room to him. Says he's just a friend, but I know he has slept there, supposedly on a spare mattress in the living room, as per my kids. She was friendly with this guy, and talks texts alot now I think. I found a pic on the kids ipad of them at a rodeo, with another woman friend of hers. The two of then were posing sort of like a couple would (almost cheek to cheek). I understand that maybe he is just a friend, but it feels like she knew she wanted him while I was still in the house, we knew we werent working out. Quickly after I left i told her I dont want to stay away, i love you, blah,blah. She blocked me out of her life to move on with this guy. I mentioned MC, but no way in her mind. She also doesn't seem worried about money too much, when she is hardly working. She just for a new cell, and been shopping for a used car. I have 2 kids every weekend right now, one chikd is special needs, from her previous marriage, but I have been daddy to him since he was a baby and dont want to mess him up by only taking my son. His dad is not really in the picture. Just found the pic her and him and going nuts. Don't want to start a problem with her, but I want to let her know that i'm onto her. Wasn't right, her getting chummy with this guy while I'm still in the house. Having anxiety attacks, scared. Dr gave me something that helps somewhat, and I go to therapy once a week. I know it's over, but feel stepped on, like garbage. Did the 180, totally dont think it will work- she's stone cold w me, and if this guy is more than a friend, he's a good looking, nice guy, from what I hear. She seems happy with her new life, so quickly.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Rualst

You are not going to like my advice.

If you did not adopt her son then do not take him for the weekends.

Focus solely on you and your son.

Did you ever stop to think your wife just used you to be a Daddy and pay her bills when the childs first father stepped out of her life.

If the marriage is over then so be it.

But show your STBXW consequences for her decisions.

Get tough. And focus on your future and your sons future.

Leave your STBX with her son and BF.

They deserve each other.

HM


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Remember the 180 is for your ability to detach.....not to make her "notice." Do whatever you have to do to take back your "power." Once you have done that and don't care anymore you have succeeded.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like she's been cheating and that her affair was the impetus for your separation, even if you didn't know it at the time.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm sorry you're here. As has been said, don't give up on The 180. It is for you, not to try to get her back.

My STBXH was stone cold to me in the early days after DDay and after he moved out basically so he could start his new life with the OW, but I kept it up anyway to keep myself sane. And it probably saved me.

It's good you've seen a doctor about your anxiety and are getting regular counseling. Hopefully that counselor is helping you find ways to focus on you and your sons. How old are they, by the way?

And how is it you had to move out of the family home when she is the one who is clearly cheating? In any event, given all that she's doing and has apparently done, I'd start working with a lawyer if you haven't already on a divorce.

Again, I'm sorry you're here. It's been the worst thing I've ever been through, but I'm still here to tell you it will get better. I promise it will. Just take good and gentle care of yourself and your sons, honey.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't see why it matters if you're separated and divorcing. 

Why did you split up in the first place? Sounds like you agreed to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Good for you for being a stand up father to both boys. You have certainly earned my respect.

I knew a woman in a similar position. She raised not only her child but the child her husband had brought into the marriage and then abandoned. I don't know where that little boy would have ended up without his stepmother's love and commitment.

You are surely an angel in his life, OP.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

My son is 11, my step son is 14. This guy may really just be a friend, and I'm not just saying that because it's what I want to hear. I don't want to start bugging her about it right now, she's playing nice as far as the divorce is going. We're using the same lawyer for a property settelment agreement, then a couple hours with a mediator, she's gonna waive alimony, then one of us files for the D. She wants it quick and easy. If I tell her I'm only taking my son, then that will ruin her weekends - and she may decide to go after blood in court, and she has income that is hard to prove. I may get screwed and dont make alot of money. Maybe after D, i will only take my son. Right now, I am trying to just deal with the shock. i'm numb. Depressed. But wont show it around her.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

We werent working out, but we both had issues and stress. Right after I left, i realized i didnt want to, but she was already alienating me. Prepared for this i guess.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

While she is in lala land, get the best settlement you can and concentrate on your son. I don't see any way this guy is just a friend who needed to redo her basement so he could live there. Think about it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rualst said:


> We werent working out, but we both had issues and stress. Right after I left, i realized i didnt want to, but she was already alienating me. Prepared for this i guess.


Unfortunately it takes two. You agreed it wasn't working out and while you changed your mind that doesn't obligate her to change hers. Sorry, I know it sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breezycello (May 29, 2015)

I am sorry you are having to deal with this and it is so hard right now. The earlier posters are right, it will get better, but it will still be hard and you will have very bad days and feel like you are jumping out of your skin. Stay on your medicine, but be sure to do other healthy things for yourself as well. 

May I ask how long you have been married? And how long has the stepson been in your life? I admire, as most would, that you are keeping him with you with your other son. This will help him maintain some sense of family, which he most likely needs. You do need to take care of yourself, but part of that will be standing up for your family as well, with both children (assuming you have had him for many years). If you choose to fight over weekends with your spouse, he may resent you and that will be even more difficult. Just my two cents.

I have only been separated 2 months so know what you are feeling. The 180 is a good thing, I promise. I do not stick to it all of the time and can't do all of it yet, but working toward that. When I do not hear from him or reach out to him, I feel more at peace. That said, there are parts of some days that I want to just text to say something and hear something from him. But we do that, we put ourself right back into the place you are right now, spinning and scared. She clearly is separating herself physically and emotionally. Let her do that. You need that as well, even if it doesn't feel that way. As someone once told me, we are allowing this person to control our emotions. Stand up for yourself and know that you will be stronger for it. You sound like a good man and do not deserve what you are being handed. 

Stay with the 180 as much as possible (be strong - it is very hard) and take care of your family and you....Move forward with your D and remember that it is not final until it is final...and even then nothing is ever final. You will know before that if this is the best for you.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

The day before I left, and saw the lovey dovey text, i was just hoping that since the guy is friends with all of her friends, that maybe he was gay, or just being nice incase my wife was having a hard time as well. She goes out alot at night, he hangs out where she goes with her friends. Just a good friend that she let get too close as she saw us coming to an end. Then he says all the right words, and he's in. Tonight, i usually drop the kids off around dinner time. She just called asking me to wait till 10 if its ok. Doing something with a girlfriend, and possibly the guy. I have to go anyway to get my work van that I left there friday, should i ask ?'s, mention it at all about this guy. Not worried about her getting pissed, because i'm sure its over anyway-but i would feel better letting her know that i know. So i dont feel like the sucker. At the same time, she seems to not want to go after blood in court, i dont want to make her pissed and change her mind about that.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Married 14 yrs. stepson who is autistic has been like my son since 1 yr old.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Rualst said:


> ...should i ask ?'s, mention it at all about this guy. Not worried about her getting pissed, because i'm sure its over anyway-but i would feel better letting her know that i know. So i dont feel like the sucker. ....


Your gut is telling you what her relationship is with this new guy. Listen to it. 

I do not recommend asking her about this guy to let her know that you know what we all know. You already know the answer. I understand this relationship bothers you, but she's not going to care. She might even take a bit of glee to show you that you've been replaced. 

If you insist on asking about the guy, I'd keep it relative to your son and that new guy isn't daddy. 

Don't live in fear of her.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I think I will just keep quiet. Play it cool. Its very tempting to let her know that I know what shes been planning, probably since before we seperated. She's gonna do whatever she wants to anyway. All that the kids tell me is that he is her friend, he's a nice guy, they don't see anything, he works in the basement... I'm sure that for now, she isn't letting then know anything.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Take care of your two boys.
play her games and get out of this marraige as best you can.

you will never win your wife back as long as there is a third party infecting the marraige, so stop trying.

It's time to worry about your self, play the player to get out of this marriage with out getting to screwed over and for now ...it's time you startlooking for a new step mom for your boys.

Seriously you can't compete with new love your old lady has so go out and find your new love.

Fake it until you make it so smile wish her the best and go find a women that wants to be with you!


If you don't mind being plan B you can wait this shyt out for a year or more and when she breaks up with her new boyfriend she will come crawling back.....but at the end of the day your old lady will continue to pull this crap time and again.....

So what exactly are you trying to save.....win yhis women over again so she can do this to you again when your oldest turns 18.....

From were I'm sitting your old lady is doing you a favor. Do you really want to go through this crap again with her in another 10 years with some other POS guy?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What pisses me off is your old lady can't even interact with you as a parent for the kids!

IDK but if you were being a wimpy pest ...I hope you *now* see it doesn't work...chicks dig confident guys, not cry babies.

Please tell me you didn't cry in front of your cheating wife....do what the rest of us do and cry alone in the garage.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

No, didnt cry. And when i put all the pieces together and realized she had someone, i was long out of the house and knew divorce was coming. So what good would it do anyway. Havent said anything to her about what she's doing. I totally respect her privacy to keep her happy, till divorce is over.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Rualst said:


> No, didnt cry. And when i put all the pieces together and realized she had someone, i was long out of the house and knew divorce was coming. So what good would it do anyway. Havent said anything to her about what she's doing. I totally respect her privacy to keep her happy, till divorce is over.


Then it sounds like you have a plan.

Follow it.

Get the best settlement you can.

Then heal.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Rualst said:


> My son is 11, my step son is 14. This guy may really just be a friend, and I'm not just saying that because it's what I want to hear. I don't want to start bugging her about it right now, she's playing nice as far as the divorce is going. We're using the same lawyer for a property settelment agreement, then a couple hours with a mediator, she's gonna waive alimony, then one of us files for the D. She wants it quick and easy. If I tell her I'm only taking my son, then that will ruin her weekends - and she may decide to go after blood in court, and she has income that is hard to prove. I may get screwed and dont make alot of money. Maybe after D, i will only take my son. Right now, I am trying to just deal with the shock. i'm numb. Depressed. But wont show it around her.


I'm not going to say using a shared lawyer is a bad idea, but I would say it's near insane. Get a separate lawyer. File. 50/50 settlement and no less than 50/50 time with your son. If there isn't any custody agreement or court filed separation agreement with the court I'd be back in the house living in the finished basement until it's settled.

Basically, if there's no orders then you still have full access, custody and rights to your child and property. Exercise it. As the saying goes, use it or lose it.

Carry a VAR always to avoid a he said-she said when the cops are called for a bogus domestic violence charge.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Family friend lawyer did us up a quick and easy agreement. Gonna get it over with quick. I'm happy with agreement. I did mention the other guy, and she seemed offended. She said "geeze, what am I, a ****". Than she said, "look, i know what all guys want, but I'm not ready for a relationship like that. However, i think she was prepared for this seperation earlier than me, and seems to be fine, no emotions. I take both kids on the weekends, so she os free all weekend. Says she wants to work weekends, cause kids are home all week, but she hasn't gotteb one yet, says she needs to stay home, help with basement, or just be there to watch whats going in. Found out, the other guy isnt going to be renting a room, just helping the other guy doing work. Usually, her best friend (girl) is there as well. But i feel like a sucker, watching my step son as well so she can have the whole weekends to go out at night, probably enjoying a honeymoon, laughing at me. May just be parinoid though. Wonder if I should tell her "only my son on the weekends. But then she cant work. As days go on, I realize my step son doesnt care where he is, and just sits with his face in an ipad. Sometimes he says he wants to go home. Or am I being selfish, just to screw up her weekends? I am stil not taking it well, but better. Alot of regret when I know this guy is probably sweeping her off her feet. If I knew for sure, i would tell her right away- keep your son. She was really upset when I didn't believe that he was just a really good friend of her and her group of friends.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you want your stepson then take him , if not then don't. But don't use him to fvck with her life, that's a pathetic ahole move. If you go down that road the day may come when she'll use your kid to fvck with yours. 

Never, ever use kids to punish someone, it just makes you a jerk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I dont want to use my step son to mess with her, but he's almost 15, and she treats me like ****, while relying on me so she can work weekends. Now, when she says 'work', i think she means - run around with her boyfriend all weekend, who's supporting her. If i am nothing to her, i feel like they are just having fun, laughing at me. Yes I care about my step son. But lets be real, he's special needs and getting older, and has said himself that he wants to go home sometimes. If she has a man in her life, and i'm garbage to her - than this guy should be his new step dad, not keep relying on me forever? Eventually, i'm gonna get over her, and have my own life.... i feel like she's playing me like a puppet because she knows I'm a nice guy. I think my meds are giving me crazy paranoid thoughts different times of the day. Right now I feel bad about all this, but earlier I was pissed about never having a free weekend while she's free everyweekend with this guy. Were not even divorced yet?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well then set up a regular schedule with her and tell her that you're not going to be available every weekend.  She'll have to work that out, you don't owe her every weekend child care. 

As for her personal life that's really none of your business. Look, you agreed it wasn't working and moved out, then changed your mind. That doesn't obligate her to try again, so I fail to see how she treats you like you're garbage. You said yourself that she's been very reasonable with the settlement. 

You don't get to punish her for not wanting to try again. And if you're in the process of divorcing what she does is not your concern. It would probably be better if she waited but she doesn't owe you an explanation, even if she is involved with someone, and you don't even know that she is. 

Can you elaborate further on why things weren't working? Or did I miss that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I hope your smart to make sure that child support is only for the son you had with her...you did no adopt your step son so you are not obligated to pay right? I'm story buddy but you have been played from the beginning.....she had it all set up....the biggest mistake you made was leaving your home....please tell me that you will sell the house.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

She was very stressed about her son and the school districts not giving her son what he needs. Also my son is adhd and she's fighting for him as well, which is great. But she lets it stress her out so much, and when I get home from work, the mood in the house was always negative. I would give her a kiss hello, and it would get ignored. Then later she would say I'm not affectionate enough?? i was stressed from work as well, so thats what made it tense in the house. We both had problems. she was always jelouse, insecure, and always had me convinced that I was the reason for everything wrong in her life. My hobbies were stupid, job sucked, house was crap. She would have me convinced that I was nothing. She's a 'professional victim'.

The decision for me to leave came at a split second after a quick arguement, but the next day, she alienates me, like I'm a stranger, and says DIVORCE! The next day, this other guy is texting her kissy photos, so this was planned in my mind. Its been 3 weeks, and besides hanging around him while he works in the basement, they have been at the bar together for some drinks, gone on other day trips taking cute photos together. God knows where else. Sometimes her other lady friend comes along, who is probably encouraging it, he's a good looking guy and friends with all of them. I'm just a bad memory to her. Shes not stressed on the weekends now with me taking the kids, so showing him a whole different side of her, and he's hit the jackpot. I was 18 when I met her, she was 25. And latina so I was in love instantly. Dated 2 yrs before married. Just latched on to her I guess, but together 14 yrs is alot, she's all I know, maybe thats my problem..


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Did not adopt step son, only paying for mine. As for our house, if we sold it today, we would be lucky to break even. She agreed that if I give her the house, she will waive alimony, give me the car, and its in the settlement that if she misses payments, I can take control of house. Just giving her the house doesn't take me off the mortgage, so I worried about that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well why would you want her back? Doesn't sound like it was a very good marriage for you. 

She may have already detached when you had that argument. It's common for one spouse to be farther along in the detachment process. 

It is hard to leave when it's all you know. Your moving out suggests to me that you were either more detached than you realize or it was a power play and your bluff got called. But you panicked because like you said it's all you know. Understandable.

But there's likely a much better match for you out there. Just make sure you reflect on what you can do differently to be a better partner so you'll have a higher chance of success next time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I did have my problems, like I worked too much, but I was always worried about money, and making then feel secure. I worry too much about what people think of me. I guess I assumed she wasn't happy with me and that made me less affectionate. But also, she was grumpy alot and very demanding. I wasn't completely miserable, but I wasn't happy. I was just existing - comfortable, and regret not being more affectionate. But we seperated before once, however I stayed in the house that time, just on the couch. I went nuts then to, and we did get back together after a month. She knew I went out for a drink with a woman, after she had me convinced it would be a divorce. That, and fear at the time about the kids, i guess made her come back with me. Maybe I'm just obsessed, and used to her. And the thought of someone else making her happy hurts. I tell myself, that could be you, if you tried harder. If thats it, and I really don't love her, I should get over this quicker, right? I may just have selective memory, and not remember the bad times that made me want to leave.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Okay based on what you have said Rualst, and on her behavior based on what you have told us. I would conclude that reality will set in within 6 months and she will ask you to move back home....i would move on D fast, and move on with your life.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

So, these feelings of worthlessness will pass? Like, "who would want me?". This guy is a catch and if they are more than friends, i feel it will be her 'happily ever after'. Especially with the stress free weekends when i have the kids, she may treat him better than me. Or become a nut after their 'honeymoon' and scare him off. I will try to move on though. If we both move on, should I stop taking my step son?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This may sound cold, but you're separating/separated. It means that you have to SEPARATE from a lot of the tethers that have bound you together. Her son is her responsibility and always has been. If you love him and want to be in his life, then you need to come to terms with this never being a clean break. You'll have to work on your jealousy and stay out of her business completely. It's a tough road but possible. 

The other route is to cut the tethers to her son. Make her responsible for her lot, and stop being a babysitter. Get the hell out and heal yourself. If I read right, her son treats you like [email protected], is that correct? If so, you need to understand that he may never have respect for you. His mother certainly doesn't seem to and she will be a strong influence on him. 

All the best with your decision.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

No, he doesn't treat me bad, he loves me. He is autistic, and not used to this change, being with me in a different house all weekend. His younger brother (my son) tries to play with him, but hes a loner and just wants to play with his opad. So my sin is sad and 'bugs' him. Lately, he says that the weekend is too long, and he wants to go home. I do care about him, but I know that if me and my wife move on, with different partners, I shouldn't keep taking him. Would it look inappropriate to a new girlfriend that i have my ex's son? While my ex is free all weekend? I'm making things easy for her, unless she really wants to stay single and work all weekend like she says, but i feel she wont work with a new guy supporting her, then i'm just the sucker.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

scatty said:


> While she is in lala land, get the best settlement you can and concentrate on your son. I don't see any way this guy is just a friend who needed to redo her basement so he could live there. Think about it.


Agreed, get the best settlement possible while she is loopy, DO NOT START ANY CONFLICT OR ACCUSE HER OF AN AFFAIR...If so, she'll hammer you in the divorce. PLAY NICE NICE NICE til its all finalize then you can blow the bridges sky high!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> No, he doesn't treat me bad, he loves me. He is autistic, and not used to this change, being with me in a different house all weekend. His younger brother (my son) tries to play with him, but hes a loner and just wants to play with his opad. So my sin is sad and 'bugs' him. Lately, he says that the weekend is too long, and he wants to go home. I do care about him, but I know that if me and my wife move on, with different partners, I shouldn't keep taking him. Would it look inappropriate to a new girlfriend that i have my ex's son? While my ex is free all weekend? I'm making things easy for her, unless she really wants to stay single and work all weekend like she says, but i feel she wont work with a new guy supporting her, then i'm just the sucker.


Don't worry about anything other than securing he best settlement right now...Let her be the emotional/loopy one while you sneak off with the goods. Thats the road to your new better life anyway!


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

If your lawyer was a family "friend" you wouldn't have any less parenting time than 50/50 with a week-on/week-off, Friday exchange in place instead of being the weekend sitter. But hey... If you want your son to see you as the weekend sitter, that's up to you.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

No, in the agreement I see him twice a week for a few hours as well, whike she goes to a couple different theraby groups she has. My wife also agreed that, if I want to come get him and go for lunch or something, just let her know I'm coming and thats fine.

My concern is now, that besides the 2 bedrooms in the basement that she will rent, she is also renting one of the kids bedrooms upstairs, and making the 2 kids share a room. She's too worried about money. I think she planned this a while ago, to have all her friends renting rooms, partying on the weekends, not needing to work....

Before we sign the settlement agreement, i want to call the lawyer and ask him to add that, since the house will still have my name on it, that I want to meet each renter (all men for now) and have them give me a copy of id, or whatever, that I can use to get a backround check. I don't care that these people are friends, and really nice as she puts it. We all have skeletons in our closet, i don't know who these people are and my kid is there. They may be illigals, probably wont want to, gonna piss her off.


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

Business is business but you need to get a new hobby other than obsessing about her personal life. you are right, she doesn't care. Neither should you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Rualst, your marriage is ending a lot like mine did... Sure it wasn't perfect but you at least were vested and expecting her to remain loyal through thick and thin. But she hasn't, she likely was cheating before separating and the whole checking out was entrenched when she made it happen.

Now, you need to stop blaming yourself for all the failures, the problems in the marriage were 50/50 but her choice to cheat is 100% in her, and the consequences of which (her having to cope with the cognitive dissonance) are all on her too... Including the rewriting of marital history and the ridiculous affair fog she is currently in. Know that the difficulties towards the end of your marriage are also consequences of HER choice to check out while deceiving you. So take none of that blame.

The 180 was the right tactic for you to use, if you hadn't then she'd be even more firmly certain of her choice to leave for someone else, except you'd be in a weaker position right now. Do not feel compelled to play nice, legally, for the sake of getting along especially if you are making any kinds of sacrifices in the hopes of retaining her respect because honestly she has little respect for you and right now wants to keep you as her free babysitter and financial insurance plan.

You still need to work at detaching from her, your comments are much too much about her new life and the men she's spending it with, but it's understandable because in marriage your spouse is the biggest part of your world and that was tugged from your feet while she is still in your marital bed.

I think it's great that you have a solid relationship with your stepson and that you want to keep your kids together. I therefore think you need a stronger lawyer and you should seek sole custody, especially if you have any proof that their mother would split them up for visitations with their father. Your kids are old enough that their preference ofv parents would have considerable influence on a judge. I also think you need a lawyer that is more adamant about getting your financials separated and your name off the title of her house.

Good luck, I know there is enough on your plate, emotionally, without having to pile on a big legal fight, but you are being too passive. If there is angry in you now is the time to embrace it and get you secure in your future without her as a spouse.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Dude, you're trying to control things you can't control. Unless you have reason to think the kids are in danger it's not your business who she brings around. You don't seem to get this. 

Besides, do you want her in your business when you move on? You could start dating and she could throw a fit over who you bring around.

Besides, how is the drink you had with another woman last time you split up different? Your marriage is over, at least for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lon said:


> Rualst, your marriage is ending a lot like mine did... Sure it wasn't perfect but you at least were vested and expecting her to remain loyal through thick and thin. But she hasn't, she likely was cheating before separating and the whole checking out was entrenched when she made it happen.
> 
> Now, you need to stop blaming yourself for all the failures, the problems in the marriage were 50/50 but her choice to cheat is 100% in her, and the consequences of which (her having to cope with the cognitive dissonance) are all on her too... Including the rewriting of marital history and the ridiculous affair fog she is currently in. Know that the difficulties towards the end of your marriage are also consequences of HER choice to check out while deceiving you. So take none of that blame.
> 
> ...




What exactly does he have to be angry about? He agreed things weren't working ang moved out. Is she obligated to change her mind because he did? She's been reasonable with the settlement, and there is little evidence she was cheating. It seems that every woman who doesn't fall on her back at hubby's request is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> What exactly does he have to be angry about? He agreed things weren't working ang moved out. Is she obligated to change her mind because he did? She's been reasonable with the settlement, and there is little evidence she was cheating. It seems that every woman who doesn't fall on her back at hubby's request is cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because he was lied to, used and is likely going to be stepped on. If his anger is channeled into self protection he will come out much better than if he just takes it all like he has said he is concerned about.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lon said:


> Because he was lied to, used and is likely going to be stepped on. If his anger is channeled into self protection he will come out much better than if he just takes it all like he has said he is concerned about.


Lied to about what? What have I missed here?

If they're splitting up she doesn't own him any explanation regarding whose company she keeps.

I agree that he should protect himself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

My worry is 3 diffrrent men renting rooms there, and one is upstairs next to kids room and hers. The kids used to have their own rooms, now have to share cause she wants more money, to not have to work probably. These are all spanish men, probably illegals, shes spanish- says they are friends. But i dont know them, who knows if they are pedophiles or doing drugs....


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Its been a month now and I have been good about not popping in unexpected, and I stay out of her business, but even a text about something important gets ignored. When we do talk, she's always got to start an argument. Like I said, she has been preparing for this long before We split, as soon as I left, I was alienated, a stranger to her, like its been over for years. I don't know what the hell is going on in that house. And The guy in think shes seeing, has been a 'friend' for a while, well before we decided to split. When I was in the house, she was very cold most of the time, to make me want a seperation, but the day I was out - it was like I never existed to her. And this guy is hanging around alot, going out every weekend with her and her lady friend, but sometimes just the two of them. And I get it, it's her business - but it all seemes planned, and she couldn't wait to get me out. She's having the time of her life, and creating a party house it seems. She never said I would have basically a restraining order, she knew what I was going through, and made it worse. Not a care at all. After 14 yrs, it's basically - "be gone loser, I'm done with you". "Oh, but take your step son all weekend as well, i need to work weekends". And she diesn't seem to be looking for work, just bar hopping and running around enjoying freedom. She's a completely different person, an animal, which maybe is helping me- because she's becoming more and more like a stranger to me as well. I just care about the kids in the house. She aint known these tenant friends all that long, who know what skeletons they have in their closet.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I've bee on celexa for depression and anxiety for a week now, and it's making feel like I don't care about her anymore- so thats good. If i hadent seen my dr, I would be a nut case right now. Now I am just kinda numb to everything, calmed down. I am accepting that its over, but not happy realizing that she's been using me, stepping on me, preparing for this new life of hers long before i left, pretending to be happy with me sometimes, still going out with these people because I never was controlling with her, tried to keep her happy. With my meds, I should be ok i guess. It's now seening meant to be that we ended it, probably should have done it long ago, but I never wanted to admit that I may have been a little depressed for some years, and worked too much, and wasn't mr perfect to her. Meds have me realizing alot. I need to just let it all go and alienate her as well, move on, right?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Funny how a level head and less of an emotional response will help you see the picture more clearly. I am not suggesting you are dead on with your analysis, but you are probably nearly more correct in this then when you had your love goggles on.

For years, your behavior was molded having a partner and what you do for her as a partner has to stop. Just focus on you and your child, and she is now responsible for her son and her own life. When she separated from you, she should also lose the responsibilities that you had in that relationship.

Some people also have this notion that marriage should be forever and to keep working on things until you can no longer. The issue with that is sometimes the smart thing to do is to leave when the writing has been on the wall.

Hopefully, you can start making your life more positive. Work on you, and be a great example to your child on overcoming obstacles. Not to mention that her actions has also cause some of your emotional downward spiral. After getting over your love addiction for her, your emotions might swing more into the positive as I am guessing that she was a source of stress in your life, but love sometimes make blind fools of us all.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

She was a source of stress. Always demanding, never happy with anything. Complained alot, everything i wanted to do was dumb. If i wasn't mr romantic and mr perfect - constantly, she was not happy.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I just found out that the 'friend' who is helping with the basement is actually not going to be renting a room? That sounds like a realy good friend??


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

" 
"I've been on celexa for depression and anxiety for a week now, and it's making feel like I don't care about her anymore" you are grieving, perfectly normal, try and taper off the psyche meds right away. You can't escape the grief. You are only delaying it and it will build!!!! You are grieving many losses at the same time


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I would NOT come off of the Celexa unless your MD or therapist says to at this point. It seems like it's helping you cope. Things will settle down after your D. 

Celexa has made a HUGE difference for me. I am at one month right now and it takes that long to get it fully intergrated into your system. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking they are feeling better and don't need it any longer but it is the reason you are feeling better!

Best to wait until the stress levels are lower. Good luck to you & hang in there.


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## Liam83011 (Jul 1, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Lied to about what? What have I missed here?
> 
> If they're splitting up she doesn't own him any explanation regarding whose company she keeps.
> 
> ...


Agree completely. She is not cheating if they are not together. Did she plan it? Who knows? My walk away wife had probably been thinking about divorce for a long time too. Once she told me, finally, she did, I took a couple days and then stayed out of her business. 

This whole anger thing...? I do not get it. Calling her a cheater? why? Kind of out of line and unnecessary, and is NOT helping OP move on. 

He is obsessed with every aspect of her life. She treats him like garbage and he wants to stay in her life, know all her business, etc etc. 

Move on man. You are looking pathetic. The best revenge is to be happier than you were when you were with her.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I am not worried about what she is doing anymore. My only dilema is, maybe she is using this guy to. Maybe they were together for a long time, who cares. I could be wrong, but telling her to stop sending my step son every weekend with my son is a big deal, it will mess up her weekends, and I do care about the boy and still see him during the week for a couple hours, while she has an appointment, but giving her free weekends doesn't seem right, she goes out dancing and having fun, i dont. I stay home still not sure about whats gonna happen to me. She could be an emotional mess, and having a hard time like she says, and really not doing anything with this guy, or using me and laughing at me? He works in basement for free, and they go out to eat and he pays for everything? Thats a really nice 'friend'. What if she's just messing with his head too? He may be gullable, I din't know the guy. Just he's alittle older, has kids, probably divorced. And hangs at the same place she does with her other friends. She might take his flirts, and figure, "let me use this guy now". I do the 180 around her, and don't act pathetic. But I don't have much contact with her. I am thinking of me and my future, not obsesing over her. I just don't think I should take the step son and don't know how to put it to her, cause I don't have proof of anything. Just evidence and suspicion.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"I would NOT come off of the Celexa unless your MD or therapist says to at this point. It seems like it's helping you cope. Things will settle down after your D. " make sure you know what it takes to withdrawl from psyche meds. You may never come off them. That's how u get hooked!!!! Don't let her give u a life of drug dependence.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So stop giving her free weekends. You keep going back and forth between things that do concern you, like you giving up every single weekend, and things that don't concern you like who she's seeing and whether she's been seeing these guys. And you are obsessing over what she does. As long as you keep going on about what she does and who pays for what and whose head she's messing with it's clear that you're still way too invested in obsessing over her personal life. It's. Not. Your. Concern. Rinse and repeat.

STOP worrying about who she sees, who's paying, where she hangs out, who she hangs out with, and what she's doing. Who cares about your evidence and suspicion? So if you had more evidence then you're going to use the kids to fvck with her life? If you were out of her business you taking the kids would have nothing to do with what she does.

Tell her that you're unable to take the kids every weekend and work out a schedule, then stay out of her business. You need some weekends too.
As for your stepson, why not talk to him? He is 15 and old enough to have opinions. Ask him how he feels about hanging out with you and if he wants to and you're inclined to take him work out a reasonable schedule. She'll have to work out her own schedule.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

And fyi, a new gf is likely not going to care that you have some kind of relationship with your stepson who's almost grown anyway. At least many won't. 

She will, otoh, have issues with you keeping track of who your ex sees, where she hangs out, who pays, and what kind of evidence you have to support messing with her life. 

Please don't even try to date until you stop this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

So i guess I'm just nervouse of being alone, and mad that she's moving on so quick. Like I need someone else to distract me?


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

The step son is autistic and not clear on whats going on. Needs alittle extra attention.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

"make sure you know what it takes to withdrawl from psyche meds. You may never come off them. That's how u get hooked!!!! Don't let her give u a life of drug dependence."

Actually, my MD says that Celexa is one of the easier drugs to come off of, even cold turkey. 

There's nothing wrong with having some help through difficult times in life. It's damn sure better than turning to alcohol or illegal drugs. Leave it up to the OP and his MD. You are clearly not schooled on this particular AD.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Elizabeth001 said:


> "make sure you know what it takes to withdrawl from psyche meds. You may never come off them. That's how u get hooked!!!! Don't let her give u a life of drug dependence."
> 
> Actually, my MD says that Celexa is one of the easier drugs to come off of, even cold turkey.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with having some help through difficult times in life. It's damn sure better than turning to alcohol or illegal drugs. Leave it up to the OP and his MD. You are clearly not schooled on this particular AD.


SSRIs are a double edge sword. Its probably taking away sadness and anxiety but also taking away hope and joy. If he is grieving, its debatable whethers SSRIs change that or just postpone it. I'm not judging just saying that GRIEF HAS TO RUN ITS COURSE or it will just come back later in life. I doubt his MD told him that but I'm just guessing here. Sounds like your grief knowledge is limited.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Let's ask the OP how he's feeling.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

This was his earlier post:
"I've bee on celexa for depression and anxiety for a week now, and it's making feel like I don't care about her anymore- so thats good. If i hadent seen my dr, I would be a nut case right now. Now I am just kinda numb to everything, calmed down. I am accepting that its over, but not happy realizing that she's been using me, stepping on me, preparing for this new life of hers long before i left, pretending to be happy with me sometimes, still going out with these people because I never was controlling with her, tried to keep her happy. With my meds, I should be ok i guess. It's now seening meant to be that we ended it, probably should have done it long ago, but I never wanted to admit that I may have been a little depressed for some years, and worked too much, and wasn't mr perfect to her. Meds have me realizing alot. I need to just let it all go and alienate her as well, move on, right?"

I'm not the best at formatting on my phone and wish I could bold some of that but it sounds to me that his meds are giving him a clearer head and helping him realize that he needs to let go and move on.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I am feeling better and better lately. Today we signed the property settelment agreement, and aftetwards, I was feeling fine. no emotion. The only thing that has me sick to my stomach is that I let her know about my doubts of taking my step son (before meds, I was convinced her 'friend' was more, and alot was planned). I was obsessing about what she was doing, and me taking my son and hers every weekend, enabeling her to party and screw. And the new guy wouldn't be experiencing what its like to be with her AND 2 special needs children (my stepson is autistic high functioning). Her and her friend would be just enjoying a honeymoon with me, the sucker, watching both kids.
Now with meds making me happy, I tell myself I'm such a dirtbag for saying that. I had this boy since he was 1, and hes now 15. I do care for him. She said I hurt her feelings, just saying I would drop him like that, and now I feel like dirt. But, are meds just doing that to my head? From previouse post, do you think that he is just a friend? Works in basement for free, friend who flirted before i left house, friend who pays when they go out on the weekends. Both spanish, both drink and dance, share car. 
She has said some nasty things in the past, once when we seperated 2 yrs ago, and got back together - she said "if this goes south again, I'm gonna **** everyone I can. Now that divorce is happening, maybe she is alittle emotional, but cold to me. am I just mellowed out too much with the meds? Should I stick to my guns that she's been messing around, and stop giving her free weekends? 

Jeez, this is like a never ending story. I will try to stop with my million questions. And thank you 'lifeistooshort' for telling me how it is, not just what I want to hear. i need a smack in the head sometimes.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You are experiencing multiple huge losses. Of course you are angry, sad, and hurt. Those are emotions you should be feeling. Not "happy"???! Ssri are not gonna help grief, it will still be there waiting. You have to experience the emotions to ever properly heal. Read up on grief and ssris.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

So today, i had a good talk with someone about not caring what people think, and doing the right thing. Weather or not my STBX has a man on the weekends, she will do whatever she wants anyway. Babysitter or just make my stepson stay in one part of the house while she does whatever in the other. If the only reason that I don't take him is because I don't want to make things easy for her, than I am using an innocent boy to mess with her. Since I do care about the boy, the right thing to do would be to take him as well as my son every weekend, right? I let her know that I will take em both, and she became more friendly with me instantly. Either because she's happy that I do actually care about my stepson (last week I told her only my son cause I think she was messing around) or as soon as I told her, she thought to herself "ha! I knew the sucker would feel guilty, got him"
So she's back to free weekends to try and work, so she says... No job yet, and I have my step son who has called me dad for 14 years, and I do care for him so I feel better about myself. Not sure if I should care about making her happy. I did feel guilty when I chose not to take him, and I am trying to do the admiral thing, not influenced by whatever she's been up to. Did I do the right thing?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yes, BIGTIME!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I'm just so confused right now. With celexa in my system for 2 weeks almost, there are still some weird side effects. I have different thoughts and anxieties about this decision (and others) at different parts of the day. Part of why I felt guilty about not taking my step son was because I worry about what my STBX will think of me, but why should I care what she thinks? I feel this need sometimes to get on her good side, like it matters. Why do I worry about that when we're a month away from being divorced? Which thoughts are more rational? On or off the celexa?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Dude you are grieving great losses!!! Ssri will hide the emotions but do you want that? That's between you and your MD. You realize you have to experience all the hurt anger sadness to heal correctly right? That's grieving, the cost of being able to love another human being.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

You posted the majority of what I was going to say to you Rualist. Good for you. 

Might the Celexa be helping you make better decisions? I know the side effects suck. I'm at about 1.5 months and they are going away. I feel SO much better! Please consider giving it the full month & feel free to PM me. 

Keep up the good work!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

They help me cope big time, but yes the side effects suck. Right now, the anxiety is back alittle, with all the "how could she...!" Questions. As soon as I left, I think she was ready to have a single life, and have a weekend boyfriend picked out already. I don't obsess over that, picturing her with someone else. I just cant believe she was already set to be with someone else so quickly. Maybe before I left. Maybe she was already with him, even though she still swears that he is just a good friend and she's not ready for a man in her life like that. It just makes you feel like dirt. i don't let her see me like this obviously, but it just wont leave my head. I am considering whats been said about celexa masking everything, and that it will just be worse later, not sure what I'm gonna do yet.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I'm just so confused right now. With celexa in my system for 2 weeks almost, there are still some weird side effects. I have different thoughts and anxieties about this decision (and others) at different parts of the day. Part of why I felt guilty about not taking my step son was because I worry about what my STBX will think of me, but why should I care what she thinks? I feel this need sometimes to get on her good side, like it matters. Why do I worry about that when we're a month away from being divorced? Which thoughts are more rational? On or off the celexa?


Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever

Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.(Emphasis Mine)

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce: Moving on After a Relationship Ends


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I never touch drugd, and rarely drink, so I wont worry about that. I just can't stand the second-guessing all the time. Especially with my autistic step son. What I want and what I think is the right thing - those 2 things keep messing with me depending on the time of the day. I feel this need to please her and guilt myself into things.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I never touch drugd, and rarely drink, so I wont worry about that. I just can't stand the second-guessing all the time. Especially with my autistic step son. What I want and what I think is the right thing - those 2 things keep messing with me depending on the time of the day. I feel this need to please her and guilt myself into things.


SSRI is a DRUG!!!!!<-Do your research on this now!!! Please

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup

In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:
•Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
•Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
•Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
•Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
•Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I will try and not use the celexa, it was very rough though. The feeling that she was beautiful, and Who would want me now. I should have been different and tried harder. But I always seem to forget how she made me feel like i was worthless, that nothing was ever good enough. I still blame myself for it ending though.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I will try and not use the celexa, it was very rough though. The feeling that she was beautiful, and Who would want me now. I should have been different and tried harder. But I always seem to forget how she made me feel like i was worthless, that nothing was ever good enough. I still blame myself for it ending though.


Dude, if you grieve this properly you can come out on the other side such as strong and wiser person!! Not to mention the Grief you are feeling, burns a hole deep in your soul that can eventually be filled with great JOY!! Does this make sense? The range of emotions ENHANCES your life, it doesn't take away from it. Think of a singer learning all the scales, rather than just the lows, does that not bring more talent to the singer in the LONG RUN with all that extra work? You now have your grief work to do in order to experience greater joy....I wouldn't take ADs but you do what you think you must to cope if symptoms overwhelm you BUT RESEARCH SSRI FIRST. See below again.

Some questions to ask yourself:
•Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
•Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
•Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
•Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
•Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

So, after learning other scary facts about this drug, I agree that it will do more harm than good. I'm only 2 weeks into it, whats the best way to stop safely? Wein off, or stop completely? Should I tell my dr? Also, why would my dr give me a depression medication when I told her I was having anxiety problems? I thought that she would give me xanax or something. Btw, is xanax ok? To take as needed in small doses? Will she give em to me after I go against her opinion and just ask for it. I want as little chemicals in me as possible, but if I an doing bad, is xanax ok here and there? Thanks


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Rualst...please talk with your MD. You haven't been taking it long enough for anything to settle in. If you really want to drop it, you need to consult the doctor that put you on it to develop a plan. He/she felt that the benefits outweighed the side effects. 

Would you feel comfortable saying how many milligrams you are on per day?

My doctor started me at 10. Now that I have passed the side effects, I chose to go to 20. Everyone is different. 

He also gives me Ativan for when my anxieties are peaking. I have had to take far fewer of those since leveling out on Celexa. 

Xanax, Ativan, etc calm the immediate panic. They are more like nerve meds. Celexa is for a longer term effect and works with changing levels of chemicals in your brain, which is why you may be feeling "scrambled" at times. That will more than likely pass if you give it time. I am seeing you make better choices so...

My Ativan works when it's needed but just makes me sleepy and avoid the stress. Celexa has me motivated to make better choices. 

I'm all for research but try to stick to the specific drug, Celexa, that your MD prescribed. Stick to well noted websites and try to avoid anecdotal comments. Once again, remember that everyone is different. This may not be the right medication for you but you won't know until you give it the time that it takes to work. 

Take care.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

10 mg. i feel that even if I gave it a chance, i will be dependant on it. - and then need 20, 40 mg... Maybe its the meds making feel confident, but I would like to try naturally healing, instead of a chemical making me numb. There is just too much scary stories about celexa that I have read. I just want something like xanax for when absolutely need it. I will talk to doc first, but i worry that she will think I am just looking for pills? It's only been 12 days on 10mg celexa, is it dangerouse to stop now, I just started. I want to see how I feel once its out of my system.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

" 
10 mg. i feel that even if I gave it a chance, i will be dependant on it. - and then need 20, 40 mg... Maybe its the meds making feel confident, but I would like to try naturally healing, instead of a chemical making me numb. There is just too much scary stories about celexa that I have read. I just want something like xanax for when absolutely need it. I will talk to doc first, but i worry that she will think I am just looking for pills? It's only been 12 days on 10mg celexa, is it dangerouse to stop now, I just started. I want to see how I feel once its out of my system."

bingo dude. You are just grieving and you probably don't have brain chemical issues requiring ssri. Very proud of you. You are brave my friend and it's all about bravery. Bravery defeats all the symptoms over time as you heal and get strong!!! Kudos my friend


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Be careful with Xanax, my father got hooked on it and some friends of his stole pills from him. He had a hell of a time getting off..... they are highly addictive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

PS stay away from anti anxiety drugs unless you take them very sparingly and never consistently those are highly addictive w major w draw symptoms. You knew this was coming


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

And PLEASE talk to your MD before doing anything prescription-wise.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Thank you all. Even though I feel good mostly, it just seems wrong that 2 weeks ago, my life was over and now I could care less about my wife for the most part. As horrible as the grief and pain of regret was, I don't want to be a drugged up zombie. Its crazy, that I feel bad about Not feeling bad?? This dr is a holistic dr, not sure what to say to her, as she seems like a suspicious person. Should I just go somewhere else?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Thank you all. Even though I feel good mostly, it just seems wrong that 2 weeks ago, my life was over and now I could care less about my wife for the most part. 

Ya think???!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She may just be very conscientious and want to make a good call.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I feel like such a dirt bag. I keep flip flopping about my autistic step son and if I should be taking him on the weekends. With celexa still in my system, I feel like everything is ok sometimes, and tell myself "oh, maybe this guy is really just a good friend". But when the side effects kick in, and the anxiety, I feel like she's a witch and I shouldn't be making her life any easier and should take my son and not look back. I don't want to be a jerk and keep flip flipping with an innocent boy in the middle, but I have to remember that I will get over this, and the both of us may openly have new partners one day, and I start feelng like the babysitter again. The boy doesn't seem to care about where he is on the weekends, but does admit he wants to stay home sometimes. The meds got me in lala land, and help me view my ex as a stranger and get over the dicorce, but they may have also made me not care as much about my step son, who I DO care about. When mention of me not taking him came up, she made me feel guilty, about me being like his dad since he was a baby, and how ****ty it is that I can just forget about him, and now I feel like crap cause she's right. But I am just upset sometimes about her and this guy (which could possibly be nothing), and feel trapped helping her live in fantasy land with the guy, if its a thing. I am not the type of person to use a kid to punish her, and right now I have no clue what to do. I feel horrible for telling her I don't think I want him, at least not every weekend, I was his 'daddy' for 14 yrs, but I keep envisioning myself in my own place (at mothers right now), and maybe a woman eventually, and feel weird dragging him around in my new life. It sounds like I am such a jerk, and I keep thinking about how she is probably pissed at me, especially if she really isn't doing anything with this guy - It makes me so full if shame that I let her know I don't feel the same anymore about my stepson. It may not be how I really feel, but with these meds still in me,i'm like a zombie. Should I care that she thinks i'm dirt, and all my inlaws that saw me as a stand up guy for being such a good dad will think I'm shyt now, just dropping him like that. i did tell her that I want to stay in his life, like during the week when she drops them for a few hours to go to her therapy and womans group. Now she will just cancel that, its all or nothing with her. i can still drop by and take one or both for dinner or something during the week..I hate myself for doing it, but think I should concentrate in my future, with my son. Right now, I'm not doing much, just working Nd trying to pay debts. I could have my step son and its bo big deal, but I am always looking to the future. I feel bad about this, i want to call and please her and say I want both kidsx but maybe I really don't. Again, I worry too much about what she thinks of me, when she dropped me like a hot potato. I dont know which decisions are more mine - on celexa, or off. Still anoys me, her probably doing this guy, but I could have it all wrong. She is an open, friendly person, not shy. i feel lost and bad for my stepson, and shameful - but think I should hold strong and continue my life worrying only about my son.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rualst, just accept the fact that your WAW is sleeping w/ this guy. Stop worrying about it and just accept it.

As far as your stepson goes, I'd advise you to do whatever you need to do to keep your WAWW calm until the divorce is final, as this strategy has the best chance of ensuring that you get a fair shake w/ respect to shared custody of your son. Once the divorce is final, do as you like... bring him along w/ your son if you like, but, if you don't, don't.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Agreements are signed, divorce started already.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rualst said:


> Agreements are signed, divorce started already.


When will it be final?


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

4-5 weeks.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

>>>I feel like such a dirt bag. I keep flip flopping about my autistic step son and if I should be taking him on the weekends. With celexa still in my system, I feel like everything is ok sometimes, and tell myself "oh, maybe this guy is really just a good friend". But when the side effects kick in, and the anxiety, I feel like she's a witch and I shouldn't be making her life any easier and should take my son and not look back. I don't want to be a jerk and keep flip flipping with an innocent boy in the middle, but I have to remember that I will get over this, and the both of us may openly have new partners one day, and I start feelng like the babysitter again.

_It doesn’t sound to me like EITHER of you have this boy’s best interest at heart. You are saying you don’t want to feel like her babysitter and that you don’t want to give her a free pass to mess around with this guy (which is officially NONE of your business any longer). She’s telling you “its all or nothing with her” (concerning your relationship with the step-son), so SHE’S using the child to manipulate you. I’m really starting to feel bad for this boy. You have posted that he is 14 years old. Even considering his special needs, he is old enough to decide what he wants. Why don’t you just tell her that you will leave the choice up to HIM. That sort of gets you off the spot, lets you keep a relationship with him, and helps you to move on.
I have been in 2 long-term relationships where I had “step-children” that I formed huge emotional bonds with. It is not easy to navigate this issue at all. But I promise you…things will work out eventually and children DO grow up and turn into adults who can make decisions for themselves. Don’t be the bad guy when he reaches this point. Take what you can…leave the rest be._

>>>The boy doesn't seem to care about where he is on the weekends, but does admit he wants to stay home sometimes.

_There you go. Nuff’ said._

>>>The meds got me in lala land, and help me view my ex as a stranger and get over the dicorce, but they may have also made me not care as much about my step son, who I DO care about. When mention of me not taking him came up, she made me feel guilty, about me being like his dad since he was a baby, and how ****ty it is that I can just forget about him, and now I feel like crap cause she's right.

_She is trying her best to manipulate you. DON’T LET HER. She is not right and you know it._

>>>But I am just upset sometimes about her and this guy (which could possibly be nothing), and feel trapped helping her live in fantasy land with the guy, if its a thing.

_Again…none of your business. Your marriage is over. You never have had any control with her and you never will. Move on. When you find love again, it will be none of her business._

>>>I am not the type of person to use a kid to punish her, and right now I have no clue what to do.

_Here you are admitting that what you are currently doing is punishing her by not taking the boy…or in the very least, contemplating it._

>>>I feel horrible for telling her I don't think I want him, at least not every weekend, I was his 'daddy' for 14 yrs, but I keep envisioning myself in my own place (at mothers right now), and maybe a woman eventually, and feel weird dragging him around in my new life.
_
Dragging him around in your new life? Seriously?_

>>>It sounds like I am such a jerk,

_Ummm…yes. That statement sure does sound like something a jerk would say._

>>>and I keep thinking about how she is probably pissed at me, especially if she really isn't doing anything with this guy - It makes me so full if shame that I let her know I don't feel the same anymore about my stepson.

_You’re divorcing her, not her son. If you truly love him, why should your feelings for him change?_

>>>It may not be how I really feel, but with these meds still in me,i'm like a zombie. Should I care that she thinks i'm dirt, and all my inlaws that saw me as a stand up guy for being such a good dad will think I'm shyt now, just dropping him like that.

_Do not worry how other people feel, especially her. She isn’t worth the effort and family will come around if you do the right things._

>>>i did tell her that I want to stay in his life, like during the week when she drops them for a few hours to go to her therapy and womans group. Now she will just cancel that, its all or nothing with her. i can still drop by and take one or both for dinner or something during the week..I hate myself for doing it, but think I should concentrate in my future, with my son.

_Yes. And let the cards fall where they may with your step-son. He’s not yours and you do not have a choice._

>>>Right now, I'm not doing much, just working Nd trying to pay debts. I could have my step son and its bo big deal, but I am always looking to the future. I feel bad about this, i want to call and please her and say I want both kidsx but maybe I really don't.

_Do more internal processing before you attempt to discuss it with her and come from a place of calmness when you do. Have a solid opinion and plan and stick to it._

>>>Again, I worry too much about what she thinks of me, when she dropped me like a hot potato.

_You probably are better off!_

>>>I dont know which decisions are more mine - on celexa, or off. Still anoys me, her probably doing this guy, but I could have it all wrong. She is an open, friendly person, not shy. 

_Singing “Let it Go” from the movie Frozen to you right now _

>>>i feel lost and bad for my stepson, and shameful - but think I should hold strong and continue my life worrying only about my son.

_Your son’s welfare should come first, absolutely. He doesn’t need drama either._


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I did tell her to ask him what he wants as well. I'll just see what happens now.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Are you paying her spousal support?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Rualst,

I'm 2 years out from where you are now. My ex had a guy move in with her 2 months after our D. She gave me the "renting a room" BS as well. She said this because, per our agreement, cohabitation was grounds for terminating spousal support. So she thought the "renting a room" excuse was her way around losing her alimony. I eventually had to take her to court, and won. 

It sounds like your STBX has been one step ahead of you for some time now. Start thinking more clearly. Grieve the ending of your marriage, but realize that this woman is not your friend. Be smart!

At this phase of your post-D life, you should be focusing 100% on you and your son. That's it. Your relationship with your stepson should slowly be weaned to occasional visits. Not every other weekend. Unfortunately, divorce has consequences, and this relationship is a casualty. Perhaps later in life, when he is an adult, your relationship can be rekindled.

For now, use this opportunity to improve yourself. Get into shape! Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Connect with your friends and family. Get a new hobby, or rediscover an old one. You are at a great age to be single!

Trust me, 1-2 years from now, you will look back and say this process was the best thing that ever happened to you.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Actually, it turns out, he's not gonna rent a room, just helping do work. I pay child support, thats it.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> Actually, it turns out, he's not gonna rent a room, just helping do work. I pay child support, thats it.


RUN, TAKE CARE OF SON(s), SETTLE UP, and HEAL!!! In that order....


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

threestrikes said:


> rualst,
> 
> i'm 2 years out from where you are now. My ex had a guy move in with her 2 months after our d. She gave me the "renting a room" bs as well. She said this because, per our agreement, cohabitation was grounds for terminating spousal support. So she thought the "renting a room" excuse was her way around losing her alimony. I eventually had to take her to court, and won.
> 
> ...


beautifully written...


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Ru, how's things? Are you still on meds?


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I stopped for a little, then yesterday I took half a pill (5mg). I usually take em in the morning, but wasn't doing good. By dinner I felt great, no side effects, this morning felt great, got new clothes, spent time with kids, went out at night feeling like I don't have a care in the world and I can move on being confident. I am still going to quit the pills, I really don't want to take them. Hopefully, I am really forgeting about that life, i know a month is too soon to feel like this, but we did know we werent happy, maybe I'm remembering how crappy out relationship was and I'm not so scared about being alone. Of course it coukd just be the pills, but I couldn't care less about her right now, she's just like a stranger to me the last fee days and I'm doing good now, more happy and confident.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Who wrote the 'no more mr nice guy' book. I think I see a few different ones


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Dr Robert Glover


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I'm still having my ups and downs, but doing alot better. Someone at my work, who I've somewhat talked to before seems to like me/ feel bad for me. You know, "aah you need a friend, you need to go out, I have a friend......" She's also recently selerated, from boyfriend (6 months ago). She says she is enjoying 'me' time and doesn't mind being friends, or going out with her and her friend. I can control myself and not fall in love with the first girl that pays attention to me, but it feels weird calling a woman, even for a cup of coffee, as she offered. We just exchanged #'s yesterday, I was thinking tomorrow of calling her, just because I am so lonely. Just updating and looking for advise. i also finally got my wife to open up and talk. Supposedly, she was alienating me out of fear of me. This friend really was a friend who she let get too close, and she says she explained to him that she is not ready for that, but yet she still keeps him around because he 'helps' her, and she 'feels bad' knowing what he wants and not being able to let him in?? I did do some bad things in the marriage to lower her self esteem, thats what she throws in my face


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Rualst said:


> Supposedly, she was alienating me out of fear of me. This friend really was a friend who she let get too close, and she says she explained to him that she is not ready for that, but yet she still keeps him around because he 'helps' her, and she 'feels bad' knowing what he wants and not being able to let him in?? I did do some bad things in the marriage to lower her self esteem, thats what she throws in my face


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

We already established that whatever each of us do is out own business, D just filed, and the thought of adultry is not in out minds, obviousle because its impossible to prove, and we both just want the D to be over with. i've even told her 'i dont care, just be honest with me if this guy is being presented to the kids as a father figure'. She doesn't try to use me or get anything out of me? So why would she stick to this 'friend' crap whrn it seems obviouslt a lie. Now I have to admit, that I did say some messed up stuff to her when we were together, during arguments, that she says messed up her head and self worth. She is almost in tears telling me hiw screwed up I made her, and as I remember things now, she is not lying about my neglect, but I was always more of a 'hunter gatherer'. I go into phone calls now assuming shes a manipulator and a ****, but come out of them believing her? And this is while I'm VERY suspicious. Could I just be paranoid. She did admit that she surrounded herself with friends and didn't plan in this one wanting to get close, and she's nervous about opening up. By now, I have told her bull****, and she still had a victim-attitude. And she said, hey, in the future who knows... Its not your business. i do the 180 for the most part. The day I left, she was in tears when I wanted to stay, like she had to do it for herself.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

So now she's manipulating him instead of you. Good for her. Seriously...good for YOU. 

Be careful with the new "friend". You are very emotionally vulnerable right now. 

Still taking the Celexa & if so, have the side effects lessened? I'm 6 weeks in and up to 20 mg. My side effects are gone and I'm feeling great. So awesome to feel motivated again.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

" And this is while I'm VERY suspicious. Could I just be paranoid."

Dude, you are just grieving!!! grieving is how you HEAL, so don't be scared of it. This is all natural and comes with the end of a relationship. It makes you human. It allows you to detach and heal naturally. It is the cost of being able to connect to another human being. DONT COVER IT UP!!

Grief is expressed physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.

•Physical expressions of grief often include crying and sighing, headaches, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, weakness, fatigue, feelings of heaviness, aches, pains, and other stress-related ailments.
•Emotional expressions of grief include feelings of sadness and yearning. But feelings of worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, or guilt are also normal.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:
•Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable)
•Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
•Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses)

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Its so hard biting my tongue, i know he's there all the time, and she knows that i know that, and i just want to say something nasty. She keep going on with all the "i'm the victim, he's just a friend" crap, like i'm an idiot. I just hate that she thinks i' m a dope.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

It's not her moving on that bugs me, but we are just filing for D now, and she's been parading this 'friend' around, with my kids, since we seperated 6 weeks ago, the next day. It just disgusts me that this was all planned and she has no shame.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

You have GOT to stop wasting your brain power on things that are out of your control.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You're obsessing over her.

When you find yourself doing this, consciously make an effort to turn your mind elsewhere. Focus on the present, your surroundings, the sounds, smells, sights, etc.

Remember, *you* control *your* thoughts.

Get into the gym and start weight-training. For some reason, it helps get your mind off the obsessive thoughts.

We're seeing too many posts from you about "she said this" and "she did this" and "I did this to her" blah blah frickin blah.

The focus should be 100% on you now.

What are you doing for you?


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Believe me I know, and one day I will remember all this and say "wow, what a dork". But remember, I got involved with her when I was 18 and she was a 25 year old costa rican chick. I was a loner and quickly became infatuated. I do believe I loved her, but also depended on her as she was always the 'in control' one, for the first few years anyway. She was all I knew from 18 to now (32). My whole world is upside down, and its easy for people to say "oh, you just need to go out, you'll meet someone..."
it's not that easy. And at the same time, she's found someone who is the opposite of me and dropped me like a hot potato. I did accept alot, got over a lot, and I know I will be ok, and around her- i am very strong with the 180. Todat is our anniversary, and our wedding song is stuck in my head all day. She really messed me up, and just like I read, I'm feeling worthless, a failure, like there is no future for me. I know it will pass, and like I said, i found a lady friend at work who will go out with me as friends, and she says she has other friends that she will tell them about me. It felt great, and it totally took my mind off things, so I'm not terrified about the future. I need to take it easy and be single for a while, not be in competition with the slvt wife. Ahh, now I feel great, better than therapy in here?


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I joined planet fitness, I go 2-3 times a week, when I feel ok from the side effects of celexa. I'm really trying to grieve naturally like dude says, but do hard. I've been more talkative with people when I'm out. Go to bar on weekends sometimes, but not much of a drinker. I work alot.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I joined planet fitness, I go 2-3 times a week, when I feel ok from the side effects of celexa. I'm really trying to grieve naturally like dude says, but do hard. I've been more talkative with people when I'm out. Go to bar on weekends sometimes, but not much of a drinker. I work alot.


One step at a time. Keep climbing.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I joined planet fitness, I go 2-3 times a week, when I feel ok from the side effects of celexa. I'm really trying to grieve naturally like dude says, but do hard. I've been more talkative with people when I'm out. Go to bar on weekends sometimes, but not much of a drinker. I work alot.


You will need to talk this out with friends/family/counselor...Its the only way to heal naturally.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I have therapy today, the last couple of days have been great, I really can't see myself wanting her back now - I could never trust her anyway, and the way she's been acting, she is more and more a stranger to me. i took both kids to dinner yesterday, and as I dropped them off, I saw the guy sitting in the kitchen eating, and couldn't care less. Almost felt like introducing myself! Perhaps getting help with my depression also made me realize that I was in a relationship out of infatuation and not love. I can't believe that I feel like this so quick, and I am weining off celexa. I do have concerns about the kids and whats going on in that house, and when I pick up the kids friday, I will tell her that we're having a family meeting, and show her that I am not just a 'disneyland dad' in the weekends, not just a visiter, but someone who is not her friend and wants to be involved with everything about the kids (school, therapy, sporting events...). i have reason to believe that my son is being treated unfairly. Not happy about what I'm hearing in the weekends.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I have therapy today, the last couple of days have been great, I really can't see myself wanting her back now - I could never trust her anyway, and the way she's been acting, she is more and more a stranger to me. i took both kids to dinner yesterday, and as I dropped them off, I saw the guy sitting in the kitchen eating, and couldn't care less. Almost felt like introducing myself! Perhaps getting help with my depression also made me realize that I was in a relationship out of infatuation and not love. I can't believe that I feel like this so quick, and I am weining off celexa. I do have concerns about the kids and whats going on in that house, and when I pick up the kids friday, I will tell her that we're having a family meeting, and show her that I am not just a 'disneyland dad' in the weekends, not just a visiter, but someone who is not her friend and wants to be involved with everything about the kids (school, therapy, sporting events...). i have reason to believe that my son is being treated unfairly. Not happy about what I'm hearing in the weekends.


I think you will vacillate between not giving a rats a, then hurt/depressed, then recovering, then more good days and less bad days until you are healed. Its takes a while. Be patient and just know the process. Way to go w/ the weining off of SSRI!!!!

Tell your friends

There’s no substitute for telling your friends, your family, and even yourself that you are getting a divorce. Not “we’re having a little trouble now” or “I don’t know if he’s coming back” but “we’re getting a divorce.” Just hearing yourself say the words is part of the grieving process, and you need to do it.

Stop trying to hurt your spouse

Of course you’ve wanted to hurt your spouse. Your spouse has hurt you more deeply than you ever thought possible, and you’ve wanted to fight back. It won’t help. Give it up. As long as you’re trying to get even with your spouse, you’re locked in this failed relationship, and you’re keeping your spouse in control of your life.

Tell your spouse goodbye

In the privacy of your own home or apartment, with the help of your friend (with your spouse nowhere near), tell your spouse what he or she has meant to you. Tell them how much it hurts to let them go. It’s okay to get very specific about how the divorce is hurting you. Then tell them you accept that they are leaving and that your marriage is ending. Tell them they are free, and so are you. To make sure this is clear, this is an imagination exercise. I don’t really mean for you to tell this to your spouse. Just pretend that you are.

Give up responsibility for your spouse

It’s built into the process of divorce that your spouse has done and is doing things that you think are wrong, perhaps stupid. Understand that you cannot control your spouse, and you’re not responsible for what your spouse does. If he wants to keep drinking, you can’t stop that. If she keeps spending time in an adulterous affair, you can’t stop that. You’re going to have your hands full taking care of yourself; let your spouse bear the responsibility for what he or she chooses to do.

Give up your spouse’s responsibility for you

Just like you’re not responsible for your spouse, neither is your spouse responsible for you. It’s your job, not your spouse’s, to see that you have what you need to get through the crud and live after divorce. It’s your job, not your spouse’s, to focus on what you need in the way of property division and support. Often your spouse will want to take responsibility for you. We men are bad about this. Just say no. Your spouse needs to focus on what he or she needs, and you need to focus on what you need.

Set some goals

This is not about planning the next 20 years of your cash flow. It’s about committing to get up tomorrow morning by 7:00, take a shower, and shave your legs. It’s about making at least three calls about jobs in the classified ads or about calling three friends to tell them you’re getting a divorce. Make sure your first goals are short-term, specific, and attainable. You want success.

Clarify who you are without your spouse

This is the time for you to ask the question “What kind of person do I want to be now that I’m going to be divorced?” This is a wonderful opportunity for you to reinvent yourself. You may want to be thinner, or funnier, or more spontaneous, or firmer. Describe who you see yourself becoming now that you are going to be single, and think through your plan for how you will change. Maybe you want to live more simply.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

if I have problems with how my son is being treated, and worry that she is going crazy there, should I keep it to myself in a journal, to use later if I want to take him away from there? There is about 2 dozen topics that I don't like going on, and it has to do with the welfare if my son. I can have a family meeting and discuss it, but then that will have her mad at then for talking, and take it out in them. I put her and this guy out of my mind, but my son doesn't seem happy, and some of what he says is alittle disturbing. He has also said in the past that he would rather live with me. D not final for a few weeks, should I keep quiet and plan, incase things get worse. Would love to PM anyone with whats been going on, and see if I'm just paranoid, or what. But I am not obsessed with her and the guy, this is not to 'get even'. She may be going crazy in her fantasy land and has been endangering the children.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Actually, me and the wife had a good long talk about things finally. I was able to keep my suspicions to myself, and we are keeping things civil. What she's doing doesn't matter to me anymore, and I am just thinking of the kids now.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Excellent. As it should be.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> Actually, me and the wife had a good long talk about things finally. I was able to keep my suspicions to myself, and we are keeping things civil. What she's doing doesn't matter to me anymore, and I am just thinking of the kids now.


Practice not calling her wife....


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

So, my biggest fear of the future was being alone, and I don't want a rebound partner just to feel like I got even. And thats assuming she is with this guy, which as unbelievable as it sounds, may be nothing - just her foolishly surrounding herself with friends and let one get too close and now she's nervous about letting him get too close. It's not just me telling myself what I want to hear. Now that we are more civil and talking more, and I've seen this guy, I think it's possible that I freaked over nothing except a guy with a little crush on his friend and my ex in a weird spot. Anyway, it doesn't matter because I let it go. My point is, I have a lady friend who may want to take me somewhere this weekend, with another friend if hers. I know now not to just fall in love with anyone that pays attention to me, and that a relationship like that is the last thing someone like me needs right now. She does seem like she could be a good friend, and she seems to have a soft spot for me. She got out of a 6 year relationship about 6 months ago and is enjoying 'me' time she says, but doesn't mind meeting me for coffee or a movie. I do want a friend so bad, but I don't want to scare her off, she knows what I've been through. We exchanged #'s 3 days ago, I texted her the next day and she called me back alittle after and we talked for 20 minutes about enjoying life and stuff, and that I can call to talk anytime. I'm not sure how to act around her, to have her not be nervous of me, to believe that I am over my ex, which I feel I am pretty close to, however the celexa helps me feel that way. Still weining iff if it, just 1/2 a 10 mg pill the last couple days. Feeling very good and hopeful.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You probably need at least six months to heal. Maybe a year. You still have a lot of grief work to do in order to detach properly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> Rualst said:
> 
> 
> > Actually, me and the wife had a good long talk about things finally. I was able to keep my suspicions to myself, and we are keeping things civil. What she's doing doesn't matter to me anymore, and I am just thinking of the kids now.
> ...


*In it's stead, may I have the honor of heartily suggesting the usage of the more appropriate word, "Skank?"*


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I keep getting treated like ****, when I ask about something that has to do with the kids. I get blown off, ignored. I think the kids are also being put in front of video games while she's got her nose up this guys butt all day. Since they do everything together like a married couple, with no shame, and he used to sleep there in a mattress in the living room, now who knows?- Is this adultry, the Nj definition of adultry doesn't mean you have to catch her in the act. They do everything together and she is very sectetive about the house.
My son is not happy in this environment, and wants to be with me more but I still am staying at relatives, dont have my own place yet. I may just be angry and looking to have some power. They do everything together, even trips out if state like a family would do. So innapropriate in front of the kids, ever since I stepped foot out the door, he's always there, like a father figure, working in basement sometimes. 

Or do I need to just let it go, am I just in the anger phase? Even if I let it all out on her, it would just be to let me feel better. I try so hard to not think about it, but her playing me like a fool just bugs the hell out if me. Especially with the kids being ignored alot so she can 'help' in the basement for hours, and she puts them to bed earlier now to sit out on the poarch with him late, I don't know where he sleeps now, i just hate her so much. It makes me want to take only my son, especially if after the D is final, she all if a sudden "oh wow, we fell in love now, I didn't see this coming, he's moving in now..." Like I'm a fool. I should treat her like a dog, take my son, and forget she exists, just like shes doing to me.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I keep getting treated like ****, when I ask about something that has to do with the kids. I get blown off, ignored. I think the kids are also being put in front of video games while she's got her nose up this guys butt all day. Since they do everything together like a married couple, with no shame, and he used to sleep there in a mattress in the living room, now who knows?- Is this adultry, the Nj definition of adultry doesn't mean you have to catch her in the act. They do everything together and she is very sectetive about the house.
> My son is not happy in this environment, and wants to be with me more but I still am staying at relatives, dont have my own place yet. I may just be angry and looking to have some power. They do everything together, even trips out if state like a family would do. So innapropriate in front of the kids, ever since I stepped foot out the door, he's always there, like a father figure, working in basement sometimes.
> 
> Or do I need to just let it go, am I just in the anger phase? Even if I let it all out on her, it would just be to let me feel better. I try so hard to not think about it, but her playing me like a fool just bugs the hell out if me. Especially with the kids being ignored alot so she can 'help' in the basement for hours, and she puts them to bed earlier now to sit out on the poarch with him late, I don't know where he sleeps now, i just hate her so much. It makes me want to take only my son, especially if after the D is final, she all if a sudden "oh wow, we fell in love now, I didn't see this coming, he's moving in now..." Like I'm a fool. I should treat her like a dog, take my son, and forget she exists, just like shes doing to me.


Yep Anger/Hurt stage, but think about it for a second. YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A RATS A$$!!! Isn't that much nicer than being stoned???!! You are human and having human reactions to being screwed over!!! You had a connection to this woman. This is the cost of having a connection. Think of the new babe you will be with a year from now when you HEAL CORRECTLY!!!! Your dream woman awaits...DUDE


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Isn't that much nicer than being stoned???!!


huh?

Dude...I get stoned when I burn a joint. I do not get stoned when I take my Celexa. That was a little over the top, don't you think?

Jeeze...


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Elizabeth001 said:


> huh?
> 
> Dude...I get stoned when I burn a joint. I do not get stoned when I take my Celexa. That was a little over the top, don't you think?
> 
> Jeeze...



Oh Lizzy, you know I love you! Please don't take offense, might point is being ABLE TO FEEL THESE EMOTIONS IS A GOOD THING. Its what makes us human and shows we actually care...After all, its all about the experience anyway, right??? Dude


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I just watched a 14 minute video by Helen Mia Harris, about love addiction, co dependancy, obsession, and letting go. I felt like she was talking to me. Wow. I wasn't the best loving husband now that I think about it. I was dependant, not really in love I guess. She was difficult, but I wasn't mr romantic. I was married young, used to her taking charge, like a mommy. I provided for the family, but needed help and wouldn't admit it. I was quiet, shy, she was in control and The relationship was just my comfort zone maybe. I can't believe it, this video just really opened my eyes. And it makes me feel better, more able to forget her, and help myself more. Even if she is on a honeymoon with this guy, i don't seem to worry anymore. Like i should have seen it coming. I am able to tell myself "you never really loved her, you were obsessed. Comfortable and she was waiting for me to snap out of it, telling me I needed help, and i would blow it off, like "no i don't, your the nut.."

She was jelouse, bossy, and difficult sometimes. Now that I experienced depression medication, I see how I was actually a zombie all thise years, blind and in a co-dependent relationship. She begged for affection, cried at night sometimes After arguments, I was unhappy, but so comfortable, and thats why I flipped out - when the seperation got serious. I was in shock. Now, i feel bad thinking of someone making her happy, although she says she cant have anyone because I messed her up mentally... She's had this 'friend' helping and flirting for over a month. Why would she hold back. I'm a stranger to her. Its probably a serious relationship, at least on the weekends when I have the kids. I do feel like a sucker, want to yell out my suspicions, but I don't really seem to care.... Not that much. I feel bad about how I treated her over the years, even though she was no angel herself. I guess I let it go? Havent taken celexa in a couple days, is it still in me? I'm way to calm about my wife of 12 yrs moving on while our seperation just started. IDK? Just lost. I lost my 'mommy' and feel like a child again, like i need her to function right again.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

How's it going Rualst?


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I have been doing great lately, I can't believe it! There are a few times that I slip and start thinking things and get alittle upset, but I truely am viewing her as a stranger lately. The hell I went through, not only the seperation but the other 'friend', eventually pounded it in my head that she's not who I thought she was anyway. The woman I wanted back is gone, and my narcissistic phase ran it's course. I was obsessed, was making things worse for myself, and also did get some closure as she is talking to me little by little. She still has this imaginary wall around her, and doesn't want us being involved in any way, unless it is about the kids, but I am ok with alot now. I think about her with this guy, and I just don't seem to care anymore, which tells me that I may have just been in an obsessed love marriage, or was manipulated... My only concern now is the children and alot of my texts or calls are ignored, which I had a discussion with her about today. Also, my son tells me things that go on in the house, even with her telling him 'don't tell daddy anything that goes on here'. Then he begs me not to tell because 'mommy will get angry'. I did feel like she treats me like a kid, and is waiting for me to just go away. However, todays talk, and an argument the other day, showed her that I am not. For the first time in a long time I din't let her be the boss, and I think that I am loving this new feeling of confidence, and not worrying what she thinks or if I upset her by having a voice. During the marriage, it was always assumed by her that I was just another kid, she had to make decisions and not worry much what I thought. Maybe I was comfortable that way, just so used to it. I was 18 when I met her and she was 25. It was obsession in the beginning, and I thought it was love. I was just so comfortable and as time went on, maybe it became a co-dependancy. I wasn't mr romantic, and she just seemed to always have to 'put up' with me. I guess we both got tired of the bs and fighting and I agreed to the seperation too quick. I did go nuts right after, as I realized she was much more prepared for this, and I wished I was a better husband and had alot of regret and guilt. However, I will never forgive her for cutting me off like a bug in her life, the second I stepped out, everything was well planned by her to get rid of me. And she tourtured me even more with this guy always around. She knew it would wreck me. And she didn't care. I got over it though, and as I type this I could care less what she's doing. Is this too quick to be over a 14 yr relationship? I only left 6 weeks ago, and already have been on a couple of friendly dates with women, and already wonder if either is really interested in me, even though I'm sure it's too fast for me to get involved with someone. I just stopped caring about my past life and am only thinking about the future. 
I am still struggling with the fact that my stepson is with me every weekend, and I'm not sure how long this should go on. I do care about him, but I feel like I should let it go, especially if she has someone else. Should my new life include her son? I am so confused by different people giving me different advice. She said she wanted to work on the weekends, and the kids are home all week, but she still hasn't been working. Sometimes I think she guilts me into it just to have her free weekends with her friend. But thats not the kids fault. remember that he is autistic and couldn't really care less whats going on. He does say sometimes that he wants to stay home on the weekends. i think he just misses the video games. Now she sends the games with the kids to keep him happy, but I don't want a zombie all weekend just sitting there, If I say anything to her- ahe will make me feel like crap, guilt me, and tell me I'm a horrible father, because I've been like 'daddy' to him from 1yo to now (15yo). And maybe it is cold of me, but the more she becomes a stranger to me, the more my stepson being with me seems wrong. He was my responsability when I was in the house, but she wanted all this, she mentally detatched from me and threw me away like garbage. Am I being a bad person, or am I being her weekend sitter. i am sort of believing that this guy is just a friend after finding some stuff out. She admits that he does want to be with her, and claims that she explained to him that shes not ready yet. Still he hangs around alot, pays for stuff, and works on the house. I just hate being lied to, or looking like a fool, thrown out and replaced like that. But I could be wrong. I just try not to think about it, and live my life. The more I ignore, the better I feel lately. I am still taking both kids, but after divorce in a month, I think I just want my son.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Rome wasn't built in a day. You sound like you're dong much better. Good for you!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"She knew it would wreck me. And she didn't care. I got over it though, and as I type this I could care less what she's doing. Is this too quick to be over a 14 yr relationship? I only left 6 weeks ago, and already have been on a couple of friendly dates with women, and already wonder if either is really interested in me, even though I'm sure it's too fast for me to get involved with someone. I just stopped caring about my past life and am only thinking about the future. "

Way too soon to have processed this properly in a healing manner. I'd stay away from the other chicks for a while as well. Thats just a distraction like booze/drugs we talked about. YOU MUST GRIEVE THESE MULTIPLE LOSSES, LIKE DIGESTION, THERE IS NO SHORT CUT...It is the cost of being able to love/attach to another human being. DUDE


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

INTEGRATION, ADJUSTMENT, and TRANSITION. How will you know when you are healing? You will remember him/her more realistically neither as an idealized saint or as a villain. You will be living in the present, not stuck in the past, and making plans for the future. I don’t think we totally achieve acceptance, I think we weave the loss into our lives by integrating it, making an adjustment to our living and making a transition. The pain and sorrow have lessened, and we feel free to reinvest in our lives again.

DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

The 180 really helped, along with trying no-contact. We have to text or talk sometimes because of the kids, and we do see each other once in a while when picking up kids or dropping off. I am finding that I am more confident and strong without her being the boss, and i keep all text and calls short and sweet, i be polite, but make it so that it seems like I have something better to be doing than talking to her. Not that its all an act, I have let her go mentally, and only feel negative things towards her for how she tortured me with the alienation andiy this new 'friend'. I don't really think about her noticing my changes, because It's how I really feel and It comes natural. Celexa may still be in my system though. A week ago I went to 1/2 a 10mg pill for a couple of days, then stopped. The side effects had me getting extra angry at her, and sending sarcastic/mean texts too much, starting trouble. She actually mentioned a restraining order because of the exsessive texts. But alot of my texts were about the kids, which she would ignore for long periods of time, and It seemed like it was on purpose, just to irritate me, so I would send more. Her attention was on her friend hanging out there, the kids just being ignored, left on video games.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Good job on dropping the ssri!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

While on celexa, My memory of married life came back big time. I was in a cloud and now realize that I may have been a narcissist. I have speant many hours researching narcissism, and 90% describes me and how I treated my wife. Her bad additude and other things did not help, just contributed to me thinking that I was not in love anymore, but I can definately see how she saw me as a narcissist. If i accept that fact, that I just lost my 'property', and not a woman that I truely love, will that help me get over it quicker. I thought that it was the celexa working, but now coming off of it, And her alienating me and being a witch, I only feel disgust for her manipulating ways, her letting me stay depressed and getting me out of the house to have a new life with someone. and I still see her as a stranger now. I picture her begging to have me back, and I don't think that I would be comfortable taking her. And this is with her off with her friend doing god knows what, Which should be killing me. Learning about narcissism and co-dependancy really opened my eyes to what I may have put her through, but she was no angel herself. I am scared of the withdrawl symptoms of celexa, I snuck a couple half pills lately, telling myself that the whole pill is only 10mg (the lowest dose), and I've only been on it a month now. Will I become a mess again like when this all started, or will I be ok, now that I admit I had narcissistic tendancies, and could have been a completely different person. I accepted that my self confidence issues and poor treatment of her drove her to empower herself after years and get therapy, as well as womans groups to get strong. She knew I was narcissistic and kept quiet. Thats why I went insane, I didn't have my 'property' anymore. I couldn't control what she was doing, didn't know what she was doing. Any sign of her doing something independantly seemed to upset me? However, she always did do alot of what she wanted to anyway, i never complained much. And this guy friend hanging around made me insane. Now, the kids are at camp, and she is god knows where, and I don't seem to care? We do have to contact each other sometimes, with kids and small divorce details, and we keep it friendly. We also live only 10 min apart. I sometimes feel like I want her as a friend and want to bury the hatchet and meet this guy??? I should be hating their guts! 
While I do crave feeling emotions again, and I will get off celexa completely, the anxiety I had before was horrible and I am very nervous of it coming back, like I have to re-do it again, unless me learning about my narcisissm helped me let her go, I felt bad, I always was an emotional person deep down, but hid it around most people. I would exaggerate how 'crazy' she was around others, I would say and do things subconsciously to hurt her self esteem, and maybe I felt better about myself knowing that she was weak, and would always be there putting up with me. It's like I fed off of it!! But other times I would let her go out late with friends and not get jelouse. And in bed, I seemed to get off talking about her with someone else, me watching maybe, me hiding. I would even ask her about doing dirty stuff like that while about to finish, god I was sick! Later I would feel bad, and tell myself and her that 'of course I don't want that!" I guess I messed her up as well.
Now she's happy, her no-contact additude was the right thing to do for the both of us. As much pain as it caused me, it got me to get help with my depression and see the guy I used to be, like trying to remember a dream now, because It was a bad past that is definately over, I was forced to get over it with divorce being 100% and her alienating me. Guess it was for the best. I did send a sort of closure email, wishing her good luck, and explaining that I realized a lot of stuff that she said I would. Like I said, she saw it and I didn't. I felt the need to share with her that I now see why this all happened, and that I accepted it, I am changing for me, and I am moving on. She of course ignored it, not like I worry about getting her back, we're getting divorced anyway, but I want to bury the hatchet and go out like a gentleman. Although I have to admit, if it all comes crashing down on her, who could help not taking some joy in it, she was a manipulater herself, and probably was cheating towards the end.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

How could you possibly be a narcissist and hurting so bad? They are opposing facts? The anxiety is a symptom of grief. I doubt a narcissist would grieve as they'd think something like "your loss!!!" and not think twice


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Yea, that makes sense. Maybe I was cold to her like a narcissist, but just a bad husband. She just gave me such a cold treatment after banishing me from our house and her life, it felt like she thought I had mental problems. I guess it was to make way for her. friend, and pound it into my head to move on, and don't bother trying to get her back. It was a lot to take in going through everything. The years of her being so bossy and demanding, and her complaining and making me feel like I was never good enough - I guess made me dependant on her, needy of her approval, like a puppy - so not being able to have her drove me insane, and I felt like that 18 year old again that was lonely and starving for someone, and then she came and swept me up. We were both messed up I guess. Maybe I am just trying to 'solve' everything so quick, make excuses. it's so hard to sit back and trust that it's for the best, and wait to feel better. I always did have alittle OCD.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Your doing just fine. Let the grief hit you in waves. Remember the grief is what helps u detach in a healthy way.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I'm trying my best. The kids are away at camp for this week. I got my car back from her all to myself, we were sharing, she got another one somehow, she's supposed to be broke. That made me really wake up that this guy isn't just a friend. It's a cheap car, but he's providing a lot for her 'out of kindness' as she says. Her friend that she can't get rid of now? I try my best to not think of any of it, anything about her. I was doing good forgetting her, but now with the kids gone, and new her car not there, I it's impossible for me not to imagine her off on a honeymoon this week, although he does have a job. It's just tough sometimes, and sometimes I don't care. I just need a project or something to keep me busy. I always wanted to learn spanish better, i picked up alot over the years being married to a spanish woman, and my new friends are spanish. I'm also trying to go to the gym constantly, but only getting there twice a week. Gotta play more golf maybe. The celexa had me doing so good, so strong and confident - I got ahead of myself. I like my new lady friends, I don't want to be anything more, but worry about how often to chat, go out... They know I am recently single and I don't want to scare them off. They are beautiful and I hope one day I get close to one of them that has known me for years, when I'm ready. She's also recently single and just trying to cheer me up, and tells me to just enjoy me-time. Says she wants me to meet some of her other friends. I have no other real friends so it just feels great being around them to talk. Not like my ex's 'friends'.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> The celexa had me doing so good, so strong and confident - I got ahead of myself. I like my new lady friends, I don't want to be anything more, but worry about how often to chat, go out... They know I am recently single and I don't want to scare them off. They are beautiful and I hope one day I get close to one of them that has known me for years, when I'm ready. She's also recently single and just trying to cheer me up, and tells me to just enjoy me-time. Says she wants me to meet some of her other friends. I have no other real friends so it hust feels great being around them to talk. Not like my ex's 'friends'.


So you can have your heart decimated and one only has to take a
Pill to alleviate all that pain and move on after a long term marriage. Does that make sense to you?


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

No, i get that the pills are evil. It's kind of like a smoker saying "i'll just have one more". I don't mind dealing with greif, especially with how you opened my eyes to the importance of grieving naturally. It just helped me alot at work where I have to deal with people all day long. I think I will just toss the bottle and forget it. It's only been a month, maybe the withdrawl symptoms won't be as bad as I hear, especially it being the low dose (10mg).


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> So you can have your heart decimated and one only has to take a
> Pill to alleviate all that pain and move on after a long term marriage. Does that make sense to you?


If there were a magic pill to make it all go away, wouldn't we all have one? ADs do not solve the problem and no one ever said they did. They do make things more manageable for certain people and situations. I highly doubt that his counselor would have suggested them in the first place unless he/she felt there was a chance that they might help.

I really wish you would dramatize a little less.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Rualst said:


> No, i get that the pills are evil. It's kind of like a smoker saying "i'll just have one more". I don't mind dealing with greif, especially with how you opened my eyes to the importance of grieving naturally. It just helped me alot at work where I have to deal with people all day long. I think I will just toss the bottle and forget it. It's only been a month, maybe the withdrawl symptoms won't be as bad as I hear, especially it being the low dose (10mg).


Evil pills? Seriously? You know, they aren't for everyone and it sounds as if it didn't work out for you, however, they can significantly help some people. I am one of them.

I will say though to be honest, you did not take them for the full amount of time to get past the side effects and receive full benefit of the good effects, nor did you take them as prescribed. I'm still wondering how you cut that tiny little 10 mg pill down to a perfect 5 mg since that small dose wasn't meant to be split. Pills that were meant to be split usually come with a splitting line. So...who knows how much of it is or was in your system? I would seriously doubt you will have any withdrawal symptoms on such a tiny and sporadic amount. I agree that you should just throw them out, as you are not following the directions of your counselor or MD where they are concerned anyway. Free yourself of the evil. lol


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Elizabeth001 said:


> If there were a magic pill to make it all go away, wouldn't we all have one? ADs do not solve the problem and no one ever said they did. They do make things more manageable for certain people and situations. I highly doubt that his counselor would have suggested them in the first place unless he/she felt there was a chance that they might help.
> 
> I really wish you would dramatize a little less.


Lizzy, I'll dial it back but my main concern was he started taking the SSRI wout researching what it takes to come off them himself. Its a proven fact that rigorous exercise is more potent than SSRIs anyway. I don't know why you take it personal when I'm trying to educated him. Check out this website. 

SSRI Stories | Antidepressant Nightmares

Warning

Adverse reactions are most likely to occur when starting or discontinuing the drug, increasing or lowering the dose or when switching from one SSRI to another. Adverse reactions are often diagnosed as bipolar disorder when the symptoms may be entirely iatrogenic (treatment induced). Withdrawal, especially abrupt withdrawal, from any of these medications can cause severe neuropsychiatric and physical symptoms. It is important to withdraw extremely slowly from these drugs, often over a period of a year or more, under the supervision of a qualified and experienced specialist. Withdrawal is sometimes more severe than the original symptoms or problems.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I took Zoloft during my divorce and it helped a lot. I can only speak for myself....and I'm a recovering alcoholic. That's like giving crack to Whitney Houston. But I developed no addiction and I weaned myself off it with no problem.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Why did you take Zoloft?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Elizabeth001 said:
> 
> 
> > If there were a magic pill to make it all go away, wouldn't we all have one? ADs do not solve the problem and no one ever said they did. They do make things more manageable for certain people and situations. I highly doubt that his counselor would have suggested them in the first place unless he/she felt there was a chance that they might help.
> ...


I'll pass on the link. Stories are just that...stories. Why would you think I have never researched the topic? Especially if it's going into my body? In the end, I trust my doctor more than anecdotal reports. 

Not all SSRIs are the same. I would know this from RESEARCH and personal experience I've tried many without luck. It comes down to side effects v/s good effects. Celexa is the first one that has worked for me past the first 4-6 weeks of side effects. I have a new (and calmer) lease on life.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"he started taking the SSRI wout researching what it takes to come off them himself. " He's admitted to taking them without researching them not YOU. I said HE. You on the other hand seem defensive with me on this subject matter.(Maybe its the meds! They probably have an enzyme to deflect any negative talk about them! LOL) DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Wow, so today I was somewhere that I have to go every week for work. It's the place where I met my ex also, we worked there together. But today I remembered some stuff that happened there as we were just starting dating, little notes and stuff we left each other, and finally I felt an emotion! Only a couple days off celexa, and the few days before that were half pills, but It felt great being so sad, practically crying. It's like grieving feels good to me, cause I get that it's healthy now, unless I've still got to wait more time for it to be out of my system completely. I was sad, wanted to go hide and cry. Got over it (cause deep down I know it's over and for the best), and now feel fine. It's like when a doc has to stick you, to relieve pressure - it hurts and feels good?? About to go into my weekly therapy now. The guy just sits there and listens, doesn't say much.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> Wow, so today I was somewhere that I have to go every week for work. It's the place where I met my ex also, we worked there together. But today I remembered some stuff that happened there as we were just starting dating, little notes and stuff we left each other, and finally I felt an emotion! Only a couple days off celexa, and the few days before that were half pills, but It felt great being so sad, practically crying. It's like grieving feels good to me, cause I get that it's healthy now, unless I've still got to wait more time for it to be out of my system completely. I was sad, wanted to go hide and cry. Got over it (cause deep down I know it's over and for the best), and now feel fine. It's like when a doc has to stick you, to relieve pressure - it hurts and feels good?? About to go into my weekly therapy now. The guy just sits there and listens, doesn't say much.


******DING DING DING************ YOU GET IT NOW, THE HURT, SADNESS HELPS YOU GET OVER THE RELATIONSHIP!!!! Its actually NEEDED by you to move on in a healthy way and SOMEDAY, you will remember the good times far more than the bad and will cherish the overall experience and it will written(acceptance) into your story!!! GREAT JOB!!! KUDOS!!!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I can forget the marriage, its the anger, that she pulled the no contact by suprise, somewhat played with the kids minds, alienated me, and had a guy in the house all the time around the kids, parading him around as her friend, but he goes everywhere with them. My son told me he hates the guy for 'stealing mommy from him and me', and this guy was flirting before i left the house. I already told her good luck, hope it all works out - just to leave with my head held high, and maintain the 180, but god what a skank. If he wasnt spending $, she wouldn't be toying around with him. Thats all that still irks me, but I bite my tounge and put it out of my mind. Hopefully it all falls apart for her, and she realizes that I spent 14 years giving her everything I had, and she had it good, but I will not be taking het back if that ever did happen. i'll smile and say 'too bad'. Such a witch.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I can forget the marriage, its the anger, that she pulled the no contact by suprise, somewhat played with the kids minds, alienated me, and had a guy in the house all the time around the kids, parading him around as her friend, but he goes everywhere with them. My son told me he hates the guy for 'stealing mommy from him and me', and this guy was flirting before i left the house. I already told her good luck, hope it all works out - just to leave with my head held high, and maintain the 180, but god what a skank. If he wasnt spending $, she wouldn't be toying around with him. Thats all that still irks me, but I bite my tounge and put it out of my mind. Hopefully it all falls apart for her, and she realizes that I spent 14 years giving her everything I had, and she had it good, but I will not be taking het back if that ever did happen. i'll smile and say 'too bad'. Such a witch.


This is good man, keep venting, your post doesn't make that much sense but the anger has to come out in a constructive way. Let ALL THE FEELINGS FLOW......Thats how you heal!!! DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Oh, believe me, I look at some old posts and think 'wtf"? Its just the ups and downs. going out with my new friend tonight, she's just trying to cheer me up I think, she said we could be friends. I know people say that if you talk about your ex. It will scare dates away, but she actually askes about her? The last time we went out, with her cousin as well, she said something like "oooh, your wife would be so jelouse, you out with 2 beautiful women!". They are beautiful latina women, but they never met my wife. I blew it off and said "naaaa...".

Did I insult them by saying that?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yeah don't say that and it's too soon for you to get involved so I'm suggesting you give these beautiful ladies my number. Ha!! Your emotions will swing all over the place and then begin to stabilize as you heal.


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## NYMom (Jul 30, 2015)

I think it's great you don't want to mess up the 14 year old since you've been in his life since he was a baby. THAT shows you are a good guy. But I wouldn't really care if anything you did messed up her weekends. She doesn't get a babysitter out of you in the divorce so she can go out and have fun, and if THAT is what she's hoping for, then I feel like she did use you when guy #1 disappeared on her and their kid. 

Is she really waiving alimony? If she isn't, tell her you are only taking your kid to make sure she waives it (she'll want her freedom). If she doesn't ask you for money for herself, then happily take the boy you've loved for so long, you have a 14 year bond and he didn't betray you.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I won't get ahead of myself, they want to do stuff, be friends, and have mentioned other friends they want to introduce me to. I have no real friends so I feel great about it- get out and do something finally.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Cool man! You are doing great!


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

Your better off dude..from the sounds of it you have rid yourself from a lying party girl that hasnt grown up..and in the end you have walked away the better person. When reality finally catches up with her and her life is in shambles from using men all her life shes gonna get a pretty hard wake up call. Find yourself a good down to earth grown up woman and be happy never look back.


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## MarriedToTheOne (Apr 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> I can forget the marriage, its the anger, that she pulled the no contact by suprise, somewhat played with the kids minds, alienated me, and had a guy in the house all the time around the kids, parading him around as her friend, but he goes everywhere with them. My son told me he hates the guy for 'stealing mommy from him and me', and this guy was flirting before i left the house. I already told her good luck, hope it all works out - just to leave with my head held high, and maintain the 180, but god what a skank. If he wasnt spending $, she wouldn't be toying around with him. Thats all that still irks me, but I bite my tounge and put it out of my mind. Hopefully it all falls apart for her, and she realizes that I spent 14 years giving her everything I had, and she had it good, but I will not be taking het back if that ever did happen. i'll smile and say 'too bad'. Such a witch.



Whether she would ever ask to come back.... doubtful. Too much ego.

But her current relationship coming apart at some point? Very, very likely. It is a "thing" with some people (men as well as women). The initial feeling of "being in love" (the rush, the giddiness, the glow, etcetera) is like an addiction with them. 

I have a relative who has been married 3 times and in 2 Long term relationships... and is engaged to be married again. She has 3 kids. All 3 with different fathers... two by different fathers. One by a husband and one from a long-term relationship (before any marriages) - and one by "who knows", though while she was married to first husband though definitely not his.

In each case the one left behind pined for her and went through the same hell as you... and it never bothered her slightly. But as soon as things got old, off to the next "adventure".

Good luck, best wishes, and God Bless in moving forward. I wish you well.


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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

Hey man do what is good for those kids , the dude telling you to abandon the special needs child needs to get real ......... Kids are kids , they don't know better but they understand denial .......... You are a man , do the man thing and take both kids under your wings and they will never forget or deny you ......... Bravo !!!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I take both kids, when my step son wants to come. She askes him, and he says he wants to stay hime half the time. I have to be honest, and this isn't what I tell myself to feel good. What I was going through, and what any man would think right off the bat, is that she's screwing around. She sure made it seem that way, but she's wierd. I have talked and emailed her, she is kind of a mess right now and as much as I would like to be mad at her, and as much as I believed she was manipulater, its appearing that she isn't doing anything with her friend. He may be a sucker, or a really good friend, or just waiting for her to heal and then get her, but I know this woman and the last time we got into it, she was in tears, hands shaking, about all this. Not that she is thinking about taking me back, and no I don't want to at this point anyway, but I have seen this guy, I have seen her lately, and It just doesn't seem so. At this point, She knows i couldn't care less, but I'm just not seeing it. This is what she sent me last when we were talking about whats going on:
---------------
The good news... You are going to respect the separation.
The bad ... I was never " saved" by anyone and neither am I now. I am still healing and in the process I don't want anyone around me. My " abandon anger" as my therapist calls, is protecting me and the children. 
I feel better now, not complelty happy but at peace. I wish the same to you.--------------------

Now she never asks me for anything, never tries to play with me, doesn't contact me for personal reasons - I don't believe she is trying to keep me hanging on for any reason. She just wants peace, and who knows what will happen in the coming months, but she see's me doing good, not pestering her anymore, just caring about the kids, and I believe she just did a dumb thing letting her friend get to close. She said she explained to him that she's not ready for anything now, needs time to heal, likes having him help out if he really wants to. I know we're men, so instantly she is a skank, but I gotta say - especially aftet finding out that she has bought some sex toys and my kids saying the friend sometimes sleeps there but shares a room in the basement with a tennant - I, as a suspicious guy, and feeling so lonely, may have had it wrong. She got so offended when I called him 'her guy', with a genuine look of disgust on her face, and the guy really isn't her type anyway. Doesn't even speak english, and seems like a nerd. I hate to want to believe her, but she did it to herself with her behavior.

So anyway, tonight I'm supposed to be going out somewhere with my new friend, and she may be bringing other friends. I feel very excited, and if my ex called and wanted to go out, I would say 'no thanks' in a second. So I think I came a long way in 2 months. Her actions got me to hate her, disgust her, and maybe helped me forget her quicker and concentrate on moving on. So good for that. I have my son now, were gonna have fun today, I don't care about what my ex is doing, feeling good. And knowing that I am going to start meeting people soon and going out now was huge for my confidence. I was never 'allowed' to have friends that were women, and i tell myself 'I'm not alone, I'm just single'. Havent been since 18. Not a competiton, I need to enjoy 'me time'. Freedom.

Nice to blab and vent, thats all.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst, 

I'm glad things somewhat better for you. Keep doing what you are doing. Take care of you. I will add that, when my WW had her first affair. All the red flags were there. Everything was present that indicated that there was infidelity. I knew in my gut that something happened. Then all she had to do was show a little remorse and claim that nothing happened. That all they had was a EA. Of course I believed it at first. Sometimes it is hard for us to face reality. Even with all the evidence in front of us. Like all lies, it can only go so far until things don't add up. I found out that my WW actually did have a PA but decided she didn't want to be with the OM anymore. I was her "Plan B" so she tried to lie and said all things to try to me back into the picture.

After everything has happened. Just be careful with the things she tells you. If she hasn't been truthful from the start of this whole Sh!tstorm. What makes you think she all of a sudden is telling you the truth? She maybe saying some truth, but maybe just enough to make things easier in your mind. She has known you for so long. So she knows what you will accept and what you will not. So continue the 180. Look into yourself and make that change. Let her know that you have changed. What she used to know is no longer irrelevant. Just like how she is no longer the same person anymore. You will no longer be the same person to be used as a doormat.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

RU any update? How's things going?


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## rgol (Dec 29, 2010)

Been reading here for a few months...Never replied. I am also going through what you are right now. It is scary how many men on this forum are experiencing the same situation. While my story has had a much longer 'runway' to get to the same point, it is still the same. Doing a 180; focusing on yourself is the best. What I found is that when you stop worrying and/or caring about what she is doing or not doing and work on yourself and kids, you discover a new state of relaxation. Let go of the anger as it does not serve you. 

I have made a number of female friends since my wife moved out and they are calling me and do not care about my wife moving out. Enjoy the attention, stay true to yourself and take the 'high road' always. I promise you that doing the right thing will pay dividends and most importantly, will provide you peace to move on to the next phase in your life. You will have a sound conscious and every friend, new & former, will know you are a man of character and respect you.

I will also echo what TrustlostHearbroken said. Do not believe anything she tells you. She may try to reel you back in when she finds out you are hanging out with new women. Be matter of fact; you have nothing to hide and will show her you have moved on. Keep doing what you are doing.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

And I'm sure this goes w/out saying, but guys, PLEASE DON'T GET SERIOUS ABOUT ANOTHER WOMAN ANY TIME SOON!! Thats how I got in my current marriage way back when. I got involved before divorce papers were even signed and was nowhere near cleansed of my first marriage, hence I picked someone totally opposite. We know how that ends.(Not well) You have to cleans your emotions before picking No.2 DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I have been ok, talking more with the ex. When there are kids involved, you have to. I am leaps and bound better than I thought I would be. I've even been around this guy for a couple of moments, and we both feel uncomfortable. I may actually meet him tonight when I take my kids to their visual therapy. He is living there now, he had to leave his apartment for some reason. She is so convincing, so stubbern, so offended by my accusations, or even just questions. After all that she knows she put me through, she wont budge about the fact that he's a friend. This 'friend', and one of the renters, are mutual friends themselves. And alot of times, its both the guys and my ex hanging out. Obviously, I see where this is going, she's pribably counting down the days till the divorce is final. She even offered the other day, for me to meet him. She really has everyone convinced that he's just her best friend?? Maybe she tells herself that to feel better about herself. And I really want to just say "Fvck It", bury the hatchet, meet this guy, and keep everything peacefull, to keep my head high, keep with the 180, and keep the kids happy, because my son can see how bothered I am by it, and he's unhappy about it to. I have to rid myself of this anger somehow. I have to let it go. I hate feeling like the sucker, She wanted me out of the house quickly for a reason, but nobody really can prove anything. As much as I want to think the worst of her, what I see lately makes me wonder what is really going through her head? If she really planned this happening or not. Should I make nice, and stop trying to control things that I can't control anyway? I'm just letting my mind control me. Every time I think I'm doing ok, I just fall. How can I not wonder where he sleeps, where he keeps his clothes. All she says is "it's none of your business". She seems to not care that what she's doing looks so innapropriate, were not even divorced yet. I hate to sound like a wuss, but there is a possability that nothing going on, yet anyway. As far as my kids can tell, he's only a friend, and he never is in her room? I just don't want to be the typical hate-filled ex. But at the same time, I don't want to be just a sucker, eating up everything she says, staying friendly as they continue with their honeymoon. But, like I said, nobody has seen any evidence that there is anything going on. She is a little wacky, and If she's just playing with this guy, I feel bad for him. At least the kids don't want much to do with him, he doesn't speak english anyway. My son told me that yesterday, he asked mommy if the guy wants to be like his new daddy, and she told him "HECK NO!". My son wants to live with me now.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"As much as I want to think the worst of her, what I see lately makes me wonder what is really going through her head?" <----BINGO!!!!!

We've talked about this extensively. THis is how you control your anger. You feel sorry for her knowing she is wrecking her life and probably wrecking her mind as well. She has madness and dementia in the future so you wouldn't want to be with her anyway. Move on and dream of your new life. Your old life no longer exists. Whats the status on your meds? (Queue Elizabeth in 3.....2.....1.....) DUDE


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

lol. Ok...I'll bite 

A) I hope he is off his meds. He wasn't taking them correctly. After all, they aren't for everyone. I'm doing fantastic. 

B) Glad he is realizing that he needs to let go of the anger. You shouldn't wish Ill on the mother of your child. Didn't want to get into that argument. lol. I do understand that it is a process. 

Overall Rualst...you are doing well. Keep it up. 

Reminder: I know you hate it when she's right, but it really isn't your business. I reiterate: Stop wasting your brain power on it


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I am on day 3 of no meds, before I was taking halves weining off. Depending in my mood, I hate her guts or miss/love her. It's really a pain in the butt, but its natural and I have to deal with it. 
If she was mentally preparing for this well in advanced, and this guy is a great guy, do you really think shes in for a disaster eventually? A lot of people tell me that, but all I see is her in a good mood (except around me, being defensive), and this dope - looking just 'lucky to be there'. Just wondering what the odds are, that I can sit back and watch it all fall apart. And I do really want to just keep it friendly with these girls, as they have told me the same. Any tips on what Not to do to scare them away. I think they are being cautious of me, but do feel for me, and i just want to keep them as friends, I have no others, and feel great getting invited to do stuff at night. I see no sign that they have anything else in mind.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"I hate her guts or miss/love her. It's really a pain in the butt, but its natural and I have to deal with it. " <----You realize this is the natural medicine weining you off of HER, right??!! That pain is there for detachment and that is what you need more of so you will stop thinking of her and what she is doing. As far as the new ladies, just remind them you are still grieving and to be patient with you but you really like hangin with em...DUDE


PS - Hi LIZZY!!!! Hope all is well! DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Ok, so I'm back. I got to my old house after I had the kids for a bit, and she wasn't there yet, the 2 of them went to home depot or something. I chatted alittle with one of the renters who only speaks spanish (i can kinda speak spanish). He was hanging out by the garage smoking. She texted me that she was 10 min away, so I played with my son and his nerf guns till they got there. The 2 guys went in the garage to work on some toy helecopter and bs. and she just went inside. I called her and asked - "how long are me and him gonna ignore each other". I guess that since lately I have really detatched from her and the divorce is sinking in, that I needed to do something to help move on. Just bury the hatchet. After all, she says he's just a friend. So she was alittle hesitant, but introduced us. Just a couple words, and a hand shake, my spanish isn't that good. He seemed shy, nervous - either from shame, or from me hassling her for 2 months about all this. I don't know what she's told him, probably not much. But, it's so funny - just looking at him, he's just a nerdy foreigner with buddy holly glasses. Not her type, and something just doesn't seem right. Me not being there made my imagination go crazy, and us guys assume all ex's are slvts She had her same old attitude around him as well? It just felt like I had some of it wrong. Are they messing around? Maybe, but was it planned or did she climb on the first guy she could? I don't think so. He was just kneeling down, playing with his project, looking very uncomfortable. I almost felt bad for him, oh, what he's in for with my pit bull of a ex. I felt so much better having broken the ice, showing my ex that I can be civil, and take the higher road. I drove home feeling good, and telling myself that, although she presented herself like a prostitute, this may have been much less than my jealous mind was telling me. OR, I never really loved her, just an obsessed kid she snatched up, and in some wierd way, this is what I needed - to make nice and show myself that I can let it go, not obsess. I drove home without a care, i wanted to call her and thank her, but I didn't. I'll let it stew for now. Not that I want a best buddy, but I feel like the bigger man, having shook his hand (wow he had a girly grip), made nice, and left. My wife was scrathing her head, like 'what the heck is he doing?'
I think she was hesitant, only because I was going nuts and she didn't know what to expect. 
If they are something, well good luck to em. But man, I don't know now.....so wierd when 2 months of parinoid imagination meets reality, i was the only one who wasn't uncomfortable, I just didn't seem to care about anything. Like a weight was lifted off of me. That gesture made me feel better than any nasty email I wanted to send could.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Dude these exit affairs if that's what it is can be w any loser. Don't worry and stop obsessing about her. Focus on you and what you and boys have going on. You are a thousand times the dude he is and I think you know this. Try and remember her in a good way regardless of what she is doing now.


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## rgol (Dec 29, 2010)

It is a great feeling. You are doing awesome. Keep it up! However, do not think it is over by any means. She will test you. My wife is doing that right now. Just want you to be prepared. The universe has a way of testing us.

Your wife has controlled the narrative and process up to now. She has been emboldened and it has been all about her: what she wants, what she does not want, how she feels, how she does not feel etc. By doing a 180, you are starting to take back your power and have control. She will not like that and it will create negative emotions in her which will drive her back to you. As you rise, the new guy will start to look worse. Her friends will see you and tell her that you look great and then it will happen. She will reach out and say that she misses you, feels lonely and/or misses your family. WAWs want their spouses to be their back-up plan while they seek a better partner. It is all driven on emotion; how they feel about you at any given moment.

If you stay on this trajectory, she will test you and you will have to decide if you want to take her back. Do not be surprised that the power dynamics will have changed and you will be the one in control. It will be a very tough choice to reconcile or not.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

rgol said:


> It is a great feeling. You are doing awesome. Keep it up! However, do not think it is over by any means. She will test you. My wife is doing that right now. Just want you to be prepared. The universe has a way of testing us.
> 
> Your wife has controlled the narrative and process up to now. She has been emboldened and it has been all about her: what she wants, what she does not want, how she feels, how she does not feel etc. By doing a 180, you are starting to take back your power and have control. She will not like that and it will create negative emotions in her which will drive her back to you. As you rise, the new guy will start to look worse. Her friends will see you and tell her that you look great and then it will happen. She will reach out and say that she misses you, feels lonely and/or misses your family. WAWs want their spouses to be their back-up plan while they seek a better partner. It is all driven on emotion; how they feel about you at any given moment.
> 
> If you stay on this trajectory, she will test you and you will have to decide if you want to take her back. Do not be surprised that the power dynamics will have changed and you will be the one in control. It will be a very tough choice to reconcile or not.


AGREED, be reluctant to take her back she may have dementia down the road and I'm not kidding...DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

So this guy had some kind of problem with his place, and is living there now. As far as I can tell, he's not sleeping in her room, and she's not going to let the kids know anything even if she was fooling around. I think she is leading him on, playing with him - but anyway - to keep on the 180 strong, i have a couple questions:

1) her birthday is in a week. Would it be a good 180 or a d1ck move to ignore it, pretend I forgot. (We have been civil lately).

2) i doubt he's sharing a room with the renters, rooms are small, but they are spanish guys so who knows. He's friends with one of the renters. When I asked where he sleeps, she said "that's none of your business". I blew it of, like 'whatever'. She knows that would piss me off, but I kept calm like I dont care - was that good, and is she maybe trying to piss me off because she notices a new cooler me and it irks her?

3) should I look nosey when picking up the kids, knocking on the door, trying to be polite, or just pull up and honk, like 'lets GO bitxh!'


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> So this guy had some kind of problem with his place, and is living there now. As far as I can tell, he's not sleeping in her room, and she's not going to let the kids know anything even if she was fooling around. I think she is leading him on, playing with him - but anyway - to keep on the 180 strong, i have a couple questions:
> 
> 1) her birthday is in a week. Would it be a good 180 or a d1ck move to ignore it, pretend I forgot. (We have been civil lately).
> 
> ...


I know this is hard, but forget about her and move on!!!!


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

If you are separated, you need to detach. Remembering her b-day is not detaching. you need to be civil to her for the kids sake, but past that, you should only be thinking about detaching and getting the D finalized and healing yourself.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I get it. I guess I just had this vision in my head. Like when my parents divorced when I was 7. It started off bad, but before I knew it, they made nice and actually were in bowling leagues together and stuff. At birthday parties, both my parents would show up with the new partners, chatting like old buddies. Maybe this was after a lot of time, I'm not sure, and maybe we will be that way one day - but I get that I'm just thinking stuff in my head, and it's not helping me right now.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Do not gift her. She is not your partner. The only thing you should concern yourself is with your child. You have no relationship other than co-parents.

Remove the marriage aside and think this as a break-up . In fact, your improvements should not concern her. If she gets nosy about your life, it is none of her business because she ended the relationship.

Moving on from her means obligations as partners ceases to be. The only thing you share is parental obligations.

Have fun on her birthday instead. Go dancing, take some friends to a movie, have a party at your place, whatever single people do. You have to change your mindset to that of a free agent, a bachelor.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

My therapist made a beautiful point. He pointed out that when I met my ex, I was shy, quiet, lonely, polite and was probably seduced by a recently single manipulator looking for someone they can boss around and make them obsess over her. Then he had me repeat my description of this guy, and it all makes sense. He's the same as I was, when I met her. No wonder she was so defensive of me being around him, while the other guys there she had no problem with me chatting with. She seems to shield this guy, protect him, like her new puppy. And when she introduced me, she called me her 'husband'. She doesn't do that, but it will make him alittle jelouse hearing that, and her look more desirable. i think she tells him lies about me, like I'm a jelouse nut. She always has him present when I come. Like 'watch out for him, he's obsessed' She wants to make herself look more desirable. Thats why she seems pist when she sees me being all cool, and when I called her on the phone yesterday, to come and finally introduce us, she just hung up, but did come out and do it. She hated me looking cool with all this, because it makes it look like I'm not missing much, and she's not all that. She wants me to go nuts over her, to show him how desirable she is. She always had self confidence issues, hating her body and such. I knew something was fishy, something about him was off. And even today, I had to email her about discussions I had with the kids yesterday. she was in a very bad mood - which put me in a good mood! She likes being the boss, in control of everything, and treat me like the 3rd kid. when I show my confidence, show I can do anything adult like, take any power back, she hates it. 

This is what my therapist brought up, I wasn't expecting to talk about her, and don't try to keep her in my mind. Just thought that was interesting. Feeling really good right now, not thinking of her tonight, don't care much, hope it sticks - but there are still some downs here and there.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Since I left, I was getting the 'lets get rid of the narcissist' treatment. Now that she sees that I am being civil, respecting her privacy, and not harassing her - why does she seem to take glee in ignoring my texts. Important texts only having to do with the children. she's pretty much occupied with her friends living in the house, not sure how much attention is being paid to the kids. When I send an important question about schedules and timing of pickups, and it goes ignored, how should I react. She expects me to keep texting and go nuts, she's knows it upsets me. She can't grow up. If I call, she wont pick up most of the time. Today she picked up, and at the end of the call she asked for me to pay for half of something she bought the kid. I told her i spend alot on the kids all weekend, and she got the point. I don't care what she is doing anymore - but she knows it drives me nuts when she does that stuff. We have kids, there is no such thing as 'no contact'.


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## rgol (Dec 29, 2010)

So...If this is how it is going to be, I would recommend you start documenting anything and everything that she is doing regarding the kids. If things get bad during divorce, you need to have leverage.

I know this sounds bad, but you must protect yourself. She will f*ck with you for as long as she wants. If she does not respond, you tell her that you will make the decision. You also need to keep track of every penny you spend on the kids. Trust me. When you go to court, she will say all kinds of stuff. Saw it with my sister and her former husband. She documented it all and she got everything she wanted.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

rgol said:


> So...If this is how it is going to be, I would recommend you start documenting anything and everything that she is doing regarding the kids. If things get bad during divorce, you need to have leverage.
> 
> I know this sounds bad, but you must protect yourself. She will f*ck with you for as long as she wants. If she does not respond, you tell her that you will make the decision. You also need to keep track of every penny you spend on the kids. Trust me. When you go to court, she will say all kinds of stuff. Saw it with my sister and her former husband. She documented it all and she got everything she wanted.


Couldn't agree more!!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Our settlement agreement is already signed, she is just keeping her 'special friend' a secret, like everyone is stupid. He lives there, Does everything with them. Yet she still has this attitude like- screw off, Out of my business, i don't care what people think! She won't even come outside to talk, when its about the kids- today i had them a couple hours, brought them back and she is like hiding inside. Tells me to call her... .I try to be civil, she sees that I'm not jealous, I keep it about the kids. Maybe she's ashamed, or just being a b1tch. It's like 2 faces of eve. Earlier in the days, when I guess the guy is at work - she's calmer, still alittle reluctant, but not bad. When he's there, she turns off the world around her. My kid went into her hoom last night, said she was sleeping- by herself. They may keep it secret around the kids, counting down the days till divorce. My kids not happy about a lot. He may be just a good friend, and she's afraid of me - i know she thinks I'm a narcissist, and I'll admit, i had some traits, but her more. Kid says some mens cloths in her closet, but no closet space in the house and he's just moved in. Doesn't pay rent, but helps w bills, food. She's either a wh0re - or really healing, and is using this guy, teasing him. Can women have really good friends that are that patient? The guys other friend is around alot as well. She may just want to have people around, she's like that, social. My kid just doesn't like all this, but only really talks to me. If I bring it up, she says he's fine, dont worry, she thinks I fill his head w ideas. I can't help my anger still, I so want to send that nasty email....- but sometimes i feel good and want to stay friendly- i go up and down all the time. I'm doing good moving on, she just likes to piss me off, expecting me to be a stranger, just because she mentally detatched from me long ago.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> Our settlement agreement is already signed, she is just keeping her 'special friend' a secret, like everyone is stupid. He lives there, Does everything with them. Yet she still has this attitude like- screw off, Out of my business, i don't care what people think! She won't even come outside to talk, when its about the kids- today i had them a couple hours, brought them back and she is like hiding inside. Tells me to call her... .I try to be civil, she sees that I'm not jealous, I keep it about the kids. Maybe she's ashamed, or just being a b1tch. It's like 2 faces of eve. Earlier in the days, when I guess the guy is at work - she's calmer, still alittle reluctant, but not bad. When he's there, she turns off the world around her. My kid went into her hoom last night, said she was sleeping- by herself. They may keep it secret around the kids, counting down the days till divorce. My kids not happy about a lot. He may be just a good friend, and she's afraid of me - i know she thinks I'm a narcissist, and I'll admit, i had some traits, but her more. Kid says some mens cloths in her closet, but no closet space in the house and he's just moved in. Doesn't pay rent, but helps w bills, food. She's either a wh0re - or really healing, and is using this guy, teasing him. Can women have really good friends that are that patient? The guys other friend is around alot as well. She may just want to have people around, she's like that, social. My kid just doesn't like all this, but only really talks to me. If I bring it up, she says he's fine, dont worry, she thinks I fill his head w ideas. I can't help my anger still, I so want to send that nasty email....- but sometimes i feel good and want to stay friendly- i go up and down all the time. I'm doing good moving on, she just likes to piss me off, expecting me to be a stranger, just because she mentally detatched from me long ago.


Do NOT send the email. Keep on the high road. Don't do anything to lose your self-respect. DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I messed up. 

We were being civil lately, and I was doing fine. I got her to chat on the phone yesterday, and admit to what she's been doing all along. Now one thing to remember, something that I didn't realize, or remember much of....

In my ex's mind, we were divorced a long time ago. She was so ready to move on by herself. My ex struggled big time over the years with self confidence issues. Her body (which isn't that bad), and she always was jealous and insecure, and going on 40, and I'm early 30's. When I saw her all confident, and stonewalling me, I over reacted and figured she found someone and finally had the strength to let me go, like in her mind the last couple years was us only staying together for the kids. I have come to realize that she was actually shocked, this friend trying to get close. She has low confidence, and really didn't see that coming. That combined with money worries, she reluctlently let him stay around. I know it sounds whorish, but she's not that bright. To her, affection is like a drug. (Latina). She really views herself as somebody that no one would really want, and just went with it when her friend was sticking around. Yes, shes a woman, and should know what he's after. She just assumes "well, it's not a real relationship, but I need a friend, he helps with money, and is good company". She assumed I would be ok with it because we both agreed that We would divorce. She knew that I would never be as affectionate as she needed, and forced me to stay away, thinking that I would get over it (before the friend started hanging around.) She was Thinking That I wanted something else and that I was just flipping out over the big change. She figured "hey, we're getting divorced, why does he care anyway. 

I was doing great this last week, not caring what she's doing. I pretty much knew she was most likely full of crap, but stopped caring. When I actually heard her admit it, I didn't over react, just asked some questions. She admitted it as if it was no big deal. This is some of what she admitted:
"He came from nothing, and won't ever have anything". "Yes, I'm only keeping him around for money, but he ended up being good company." "I don't rely on anybody." "He probably knows I'm using him, but doesn't care himself." "He needed a place to stay, and I needed help". "You shouldn't ask questions that you don't want to know the answers to". "Don't judge me".

I guess she figured it's over for good, and ok but to spill it, since I convinced her I don't care anymore. And I really didn't at the time.

So anyway, late last night - I had to call her about something important. She was at some bar, answers my question, and hung up quick. (It was loud there). The I pictured a party girl having fun, but this was the first weekend in a month that my step son came this weekend - so she went out. 

I sent this text: "This is how you heal"? "Go earn that money, I hope you don't get a disease".

She replied with a picture of her drink and said "this sucks"!. (I took that as sarcastic, meaning this is the life!

I replied: "I hope it taste good. 
It only costs your self respect and dignity."
"Maybe a few more and you won't feel so bad while he's using all you have to offer him." "Leave me alone"

She replied with a smiley face - which pissed me off.

i sent a couple of goofy meme's about people making fun of their ex's, and told her to check her email.

This is where I let it all out, figuring It's over, fvck it, she's rubbing it in now, lets let her have it!


I SENT A MONSTER: I will paste it here:
-------------------
"you DO deserve each other. You don't deserve better, and couldn't get better. You especially don't deserve me. How could I even look at anymore. You just admit it to me on the phone, like it no big deal, that your self esteem is GONE, and that you have to wh0re yourself to that bean picker, or anyone else with a wallet. The 'strong confident' woman is really just a prostitute. I can't believe how easy you are. How you think it's normal to have a fvck boy all lined up, like it's normal. Is this what the women's group taught you? Is that what your mother taught you? Use whatever you got left to keep a sucker there? That loser man-boy. I thought you had a lot more integrity and morals. Now I see why you had me in the hotel after our 3rd date. I can't believe I thought better of you, and actually defended you. I actually apologized for my accusations, because you got so offended by them, I believed you - but no - you were sucking him dry, in more ways than one, and in the process - throwing away any respect that I had left for you. I can't believe you let me shake his filthy hand. I don't want anything to do with you dirty people. I should have left you where I found you, swimming in ****roaches in a shack. I am so much better than this, better than you, and 1000 times the man that he is. So all those nights you were going out, was to find a sperm donor? A new sucker? Enjoy that life. Nowhere to go but down. Alone, old, and worthless.

I never laid a finger on another woman, so of the 3 of us, I get to keep my head held high, and not look back at such despicableness. Thank you for the closure, thank you for boosting my confidence and self respect. You want so bad, to believe that I messed around, just to make yourself feel better about what your doing. Not gonna happen. You can try and justify your actions, and downplay what your doing. I like that you say I only keep my drivin job to run around and meet b1tches. Look at YOU! 14 years of dealing with your jealous accusations, and it's you, that is so easy to give it up. Running around to bars looking for a sucker. I never would have given you the house if I knew you would turn it into a brothel. And FYI - until the judge reviews/accepts our agreement, and asks us if we agree....it can be stopped."
"What happens if he looses his job? What happens when he's bored of you and your mid life crisis. You'll have to get dressed up, with 2 pounds of makeup, go out to the bar and pick another loser with no self esteem to match yours. I wanted to come back and make our marriage work, to keep both parents in the house and be happy! I can't believe I was heartbroken over this garbage. Over a skank. I can't believe you will risk OUR kids home - hoping that he sticks around. I deserve so much better, and I had so much better right in front of me, and I said 'no' to her, because I was heart broken over you, thinking that you fell in love so quickly, so shamelessly. You were choosing between me and him??? You don't deserve me. You can't have me. I am so changed right now, you will never see the best me. I'll save it for someone else, someone with morals and dignity, who will make me feel loved and want a loving relationship. Someone with self respect and dignity. (I can introduce you to a few if you like)."
"Your lies about 'healing and not wanting anyone around you'. Your lies about "I don't have a man". You lied to me and our son about "mommies not ready for that yet". Your own son. If he lives there and your screwing, thats an adulterous affair, to any judge. YES I was recording everything, for a while now, some good stuff too. Would be a shame to share it....what would the neighbors think. What would your family think? Don't worry, I'm not as low as you. Just don't fvck with me."
"Your father would be rolling over in his grave. His little girl being a ***** for a dirty nobody. I wanted to save a MARRIAGE, but your not marriage material. Just a cum dumpster, ranting about "staying strong for my kids..." Keep playing the victim and justifying it. You did it to yourself."
"Just another middle aged nobody with 2 kids from 2 different fathers. Your just a hole to him and going nowhere, like him. You think he would be such a great friend if you weren't so easy?? How can you bring that garbage into the house with your kids. What kind of woman are you? You disgust me, thank you for wasting years of my life, Now, I move on to better things, and you stay there, get older, and spread em, until he leaves from boredom, runs out of money, or gets deported. "
" As he climbs off of you later, after he gets his 'repayment', wipes himself up, after getting the only thing you barely have to offer, which isn't anything special, you can look in the mirror and tell yourself "I do it for my children". Whatever makes you feel better about yourself. Your trash to me now. 
He's going on 50, Hopefully he keeps it up, with all your hallway fart breaks. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted, with nothing to look forward to."
-------------------------------

So thats it. The next morning, it hit me that she was VERY self conscience, very insecure, with low self esteem/worth. She mustered up a lot of strength to decide to divorce. And I forgot how low her self esteem was, I just was dying inside thinking of her tossing me and moving on with someone else. I think that she was prepared to be alone originally, not thinking that anyone would want her. This lucky guy found someone with low self esteem. Now I see what she's been going through, and believe that she maybe didn't plan this. Just was shocked that finding someone else was that easy, and couldn't push away affection that she wanted so bad. The first couple weeks, she didn't take it seriously, just saw him as a flirty friend. Man did he get lucky. So my email, full of hate, and tearing apart everything that she was self conscious about, must of had her crying in the fetal position, suicidal. I felt like such crap, why couldn't I **** the hell up. I was calm, we were civil. now she's probably a huge mess, and he's there comforting her. I know that DUDE is gonna rip me a new one. Honestly, I can't believe I sent that. i was coming out of the shock if finding out for sure - what I knew all along in my head, but for some reason I HAD to know. Maybe sue bought the 180, figured I'm fine, and just told me a since were done for sure anyway. 
I couldn't help thinking about her reading that and feeling like killing herself. As nasty as she's been to me, her self confidence issues is an easy target, she HATES her body, and has low self esteem. So.....
I know back peddling is the worst, but I really feared I would drive her to kill me or herself - I felt like such sh1t. I sent this email (the next afternoon):
-------------------
"I'm sorry, just frustration. You wrecked me through all this, and I need to stop trying to be your friend, it just causes more heartache and anger when you reject me. I'm going to leave you alone now, I have a lot to heal from, and don't handle it well. I didn't mean anything in that letter, and feel like ****. It was late and I was half asleep. Don't make me feel worse about it. I have a lot to process and get over. "
" I understand everything that you went through, and are now going through."
"I never thought that your struggle with self-confidence was so severe. I wish you could have just explained everything to me as I tried to come back. I tried to tell you many times, even recently, that you shouldn't sell yourself short - that your a beautiful woman. I couldn't see how bad your self worth issues were. I had the same self confidence issues, which is why I took your rejection so bad, and the separation killed me. I didn't see that you were suffering so bad, trying to survive, and you thinking that nobody would want you. I knew that you would get attention quick, because your beautiful - so I knew that this guy hit the jackpot, and I was jealous. All I could think about was you with someone else, and It made me insane. I didn't realize how your self confidence was so low, I didn't think you saw yourself like that. I never saw you like that. So obviously, his attention and affection was a surprise to you, and you couldn't push him away. I finally realize now, that you couldn't help accepting his kindness. If somebody gives you that wonderful feeling that lifts your self confidence, it's intoxicating, and thats all you needed from me. I had the same confidence issues, and I knew that you were beautiful and would find someone quick. Unfortunately, At the time, I thought you had all the confidence in the world, because you were looking so good and confident, and I just wondered how you could move on so quick, how you could do all that you were doing. You were just getting much needed attention and help that you didn't expect, and I got it all wrong. and I understand everything now. So, I understand that that letter must have killed you, I got so angry with the rejection, I wondered "how could she do that"? and thought that anger was the answer. So I made up a bunch of crap and emailed it to you. Now I see that my email was full of everything that you were struggling with, and back-peddling seems stupid, but I felt horrible when this all hit me today. I thought that you were just being evil to me all this time. I didn't see that you HAD to do this. So I so stupidly, fought back with a letter full of hate, that I didn't mean. now that I see what you struggle with, I understand everything that you have been going through and doing, and I'm sorry that I didn't get it sooner, or was blind with jealousy. I just made assumptions about your actions, but I get it now. Sorry"
------------------------

I hears her talk to the kid on the phone before. He said she sounded in an ok mood. I messed up big time. I was doing so good. It was like someone else sent that email, like it wasn't me? God I screwed up!


Ok, so let me have it......


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

I'm not going to say that what you said to her was wrong. It was probably something you wanted to get off your chest for a while now. It's okay. I have said somethings that were pretty similar to my WS. Believe me when I tell you that, if you were expecting her to feel some remorse from what you said to her. Most likely, no. If anything, you made her feel that her decision was the right one. In a WS's mind, they don't need anyone to tell them what they did wrong or what they are doing is wrong. They pretty much know that. They will not face that guilt until they hit rock bottom. If anything, it just makes them run even further away from reality. Because it will be too painful to face. 

My sister is a serial cheater. The father of her children has only been the man she has ever trusted and she still cheated on him. She was even pregnant with his child when she started her last affair. She left him, even though she knew what she did was so wrong. Even so the family told her constantly how bad the POSOM was for her. After 8 months of being with the POSOM, she found the he was cheating on her. It took that to wake her up and now she realizes how she messed up a good thing. Now she is trying to get back with her ex but he has moved on. Just imagine if the POSOM didn't cheat on her. Would she have ever woken up? Would she have ever admitted that she Fvked up? Being a BS, I'm glad and proud of her ex for moving on. Yet, I love my sister and offer my support to her. I let her know that if her ex decides not R. It is just the price she has to pay for her betrayal. She has to own her actions and work on herself to become a better person. 

It's strange to be going through this situation with my WS and see the WW side of it from my sister. One thing my sister told me was that, even so she knew that what she gave up a lot for the OM. She even felt the relationship with the OM was not as good. Her pride was what kept her from stopping it. To her, she was determined to prove to herself that the relationship with the POSOM was worth giving up her life with the family. Because if it wasn't, then she would have been the biggest fool in the world. Pride would not let her believe she was that stupid and dumb. Unfortunately for her, she was.

So basically, whatever you say to her won't get the effect you want from her. She has no respect for you, especially after everything she has done so far. You saying all those things just lowered what little respect she had for you even more. If you want her respect. Actions are what will earn them. That's something I learned from the crap I'm going through with my WS. If you really need feel the need to get something off your chest. Write it on an email draft or text to yourself. Vent out all your frustrations. Even so she deserves it. She does not deserve anymore emotions from you. Not love. Not even hate. Let her face her own guilt. It may take forever. It may never happen. it is something you just have to accept. She's broken and she does not want you to fix her. That's why you let go. You need to say goodbye to your past memories of her. Those memories of her in the past are what's conflicting with the present person she is now. Let go and say goodbye. The person you loved died when she betrayed you. Not only did she die, the person you knew yourself to be died with her. Come back to life as the person you want to be. For yourself and your children.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Wow!!! You did finally blow!!! Felt good didn't it??!! Thats all part of grieving. You probably should apologize now. The process isn't linear so you swing from mad, sadness, numb, etc. Thats how the detachment really happens and truth be told, you must have really loved this woman to get that pissed. Again, apologize and make amends so you don't lose your self-respect in this whole episode because if you do bargain w the devil and stoop down to there level, then depression(Anger turned inward at one's self) will be on the horizon. DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I did feel sh1tty right after. But I listen to the phone calls I have recorded and I feel better. Got her to admit that when I left June 7th, she had the guy coming over the next day. She said that her decision to divorce was this: either take his $ or my $!! She said that it became physical 3 to 4 weeks later, who knows whats true, but having him there all the time since I left was pretty sh1tty to do with kids there just starting to go through this. Her son who is autistic doesn't seem to care, but my son doesn't like it. She just denies it ans says "oh, he's fine". Have been keeping a journal, just incase I try to get him later. Maybe all my posts here would help, with the date stamps. As the celexa wore off, and I got my memory back, all the skank red flags started popping up. I think she was a narcissist and had me dependant on her. Thats why I wen't crazy. I was miserable with her, and agreed to the divorce, but then went crazy after I left. Then more crazy finding out about this guy. Should never have been prescribed a depression drug, I think I was going through narcissism withdrawl?? My therapist agrees. Thank god I feel so good. Hope it lasts, I guess I needed to know 100%, like closure. Now she's the skank, I'm happy, and thingd are looking good. Playing golf going out with lady friend for a drink maybe today - just as friends.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rualst said:


> Should never have been prescribed a depression drug,


AND WHO TOLD YOU THIS??? If its cured by a new love interest and $5K its not DEPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!! Only you can cause depression wout a chemical imbalance. Remember, depression is ANGER TURNED INWARD!!! Its self-hate...You don't have it unless you stoop to their level... Apologize for the email, texts etc and just say your emotions were swinging as you let all this set in. You are doing well. DUDE


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I did apologize. A couple post ago i put the apology email. i have huge ups and downs. When I was down, I told myself that she was the victim. That we were divorcing and she found some attention and couldn't help herself. Her self confidence is low. Then I thought my horrible email would make her kill herself. i pictured her reading it crying???
Now today, I am back to believing she just found someone quick, a wallet, and is his wh0re. These ups and downs suck. I also sometimes obsess about if I am the victim of a narcissist? Or I just hate her, or maybe she thought I was a narcissist. It's like I can't relax unless I 'figure it out'. Other times I just wish her world would come crashing down and she would come crawling back. I have alot of regret about issues that now make me think I was a narc, but my therapist thinks that when I describe my wife, it sounds like she's a narc. Narc this, narc that..... i obsess sometimes. Maybe she just told me that she's using him, to not crush me by saying that they fell in love? Everything about their relationship matches exactly how WE met. She left her 1st husband, found me - shy and lonely, came after me, dated a few times, and got physical quick. I was 18 and obsessed, but did lie and decieve alot, felt insecure about keeping her. But she did some crazy jelouse stuff. i could write a book about all the stuff that went on, just to hear what people think after hearing it all. 
Although I'm blabbing alot, my anxiety is pretty much gone, and I really don't think about here anymore. Just tonight, I'm not doing good. Girl I kinda like told me to call her tonight, but no answer. i can't look clingy and call again? My confidence was so high earlier, like I KNEW we would go out tonight. Now just so lonely. Have another friend I can text, she is great and will reply if I text, but not sure if I wanna get into her life. I am not looking for a rebound, just friends - but one is amazing. Now I know they just sleep in the same bed, like married. She has no shame. Just filed, and she's mentally moved on by far. Like she found a new 'narc supply' of affection, that I wasn't giving. But I didnt give much because she was always a bully, loud, kept me down....

When I left, I wasn't just heart broken, It was like I was in withdrawl. Then finding out about new guy a couple weeks later made me crazy. I wish I had the strenght to stick to the 180 then. I did ok, but slipped plenty. Now 2 months later, I wish I would have stayed with it. She would definately be questioning everything. Not that I want her back, but I feel. Need to 'win' in all of this. Just anger for being fooled and lied to.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Thank god I was only on Celexa 10mg, the low dose. I feel completely normal finally, with such a clear head. My huge regret and pain was only because I wanted to be back in my comfort zone, in a relationship that wasn't real love. Convenient from the beginning for her, and I was just lonely and in love, in the beginning. In her mind, what little love she had for me diminished years ago, I was in a cloud and didn't give enough affection, and we stayed together for the kids, because I provided well. In my mind, it was just the ups and downs of marriage. I felt trapped sometimes, unhappy sometimes, and wondered why I didn't feel loved-but I was dependant on her and had a fear of being alone. This was hardly a real marriage for her all these years. Especially the last year, and we both became pretty cold, she felt like the victim in all this and felt co-dependant, like I was the bad one, but sometimes I felt the same about her? So she prepared well in advance to let me go, and thats why she had absolutely no emotion when I left, no care in the world about me, like I never existed. 

She's trying to be ms. Independant, 
with a friend that pays for stuff and gives her money, which she rewards him for. I can't hate him, as he is a gullable shy man-boy, who is probably obsessed with her like I was in the beginning. She's admitted to using him and not caring if he realizes it or not. The more and more I realized what trash she is, the more I felt better. It's so easy for people to say 'just move on', 'go out have fun'...but 14 years is a while, and It started when I was 18. It was so hard to accept that thats all over, and even though I do feel like it all will be ok now, and even though I see her a as a prostitute, and even though I hate her for all she did....I can't help to think about the 'what if's', and I can't help that I feel alittle something when I see her, while picking up the kids. But I know it's over, and I am just lonely sometimes. Sometimes I feel great, like single life is cool, and I can wait for someone special, but I am craving affection and attention alot, and seem to be attracted to any female that pays me attention. I did go out again, with the 2 spanish girls (one I work with, and her young cousin who speaks no english) just a friendly night out, but It's my first time being single since 18, and in an environment not very comfortable (spanish bar/night club), loud music, and dancing which I am not great at, but I did ok. My spanish is ok, I can talk ok with the younger one. Looks like they just want to cheer me up, help my confidence. I thought that my friend was trying to get me to meet her younger cousin and see what happens, but maybe not. Normally, I wouldn't think much about it, and just go with it, have fun....but this girl is amazing, a perfect 10 - my god! Recently single, shy, with a 3 yo boy. I definately won't let myself get used again, but thats not whats happening here. I was soo ready to stay strong, and be single - but damn, this girl is something else - I have such a strong urge to tell my friend something, but that could scare em both off, me looking clingy. What a mess, maybe I should focus on being single, working on myself, and if they stay friends and something happens one day, well then great. 

Just a new different world for me.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You mean "thank you dude"? Ha I'm kidding good for you!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Thank you Dude!

The emotions and feelings do suck though. No matter how much I hate her, I definately could have prevented this. Its a long long story, but I wasn't affectionate enough, she craved affection, but was a pain in my butt, a fiesty latina, and had me depressed, in a cloud, not feeling loved - so I didn't give affection, didn't feel like it a lot. The affection I did give, she would call 'crumbs', and act like they didn't matter because it wasn't consistant. If I wasn't so clouded with stress and work, and would have just been more loving, this would have never happened. No matter what people say about moving on, it's near impossible - especially after you leave and have a real awakening, that is ignored or not trusted. No 180 could ever work, especially with this 3rd party who is mr. affectionate probably, and she's in lala land, and obviously banging like rabbits. 14 years, and now this. And here I am typing on my phone at 2 in the morning, with my self esteem shot, wondering who's going to want me. The regret is what burns a hole through me. I had it so good, got comfortable, treated her like she would always be there - she became co-dependant, which I didn't realize. I always felt like the victim, but I was mute to her cries for me to wake up, come out of my cloud, treat her like I love her. She didn't need a 'hunter-gatherer'. She just needed attention, affection, love - and maybe I was depressed a little, by her complaining, put downs, bossiness? She was never happy, so hard to please. But I like having a woman in control, strong. My neglect, although to be fair wasn't constant, is what drove her to prepare for this. She let me go long before I actualy left. Her friend, I guess, was in the right place at the right time, and he's a very affectionate guy, just what she craves. Plus her self esteem was low, and he was there to tell her everything she needed to hear (he's a guy), and hit the jackpot. So there was no stopping this relationship. May not be a REAL relationship. She was ready to be single, and could be having a little fun, using him for money, like she did to me admittedly. I can't fix it, and wouldn't want to walk on egg shells constantly, just to keep her sort of happy. Maybe just wasn't meant to be. But thinking of her happy, and this dummy she found, in the bed that I was in just 10 weeks ago - theres no way anybody can honestly say that it doesn't affect them. Unless they take sh1t pills that fvck up their heads. Grieving sucks, regret is the worst, venting to strangers helps.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Wow, this last week - an amazing calm came over me? I never mentioned that I was an Introvert, and that probably didn't help in my marriage. I didn't even know what an introvert was a few months ago, i just thought I was shy. I was afraid of being alone after I left my house, and lost all I knew since I was 18, I went nuts, but now that it sunk in that I need too give up hope - let it go, I have actually been liking the alone time. A few times in the marriage, we had the money for a trip, and she really wanted to visit family in Costa Rica, and I was relieved when she would be ok going with the kids and leaving me home for a few weeks. (I couldn't get off work anyway). I used to be relieved when she would go out with friends at night, and I had the house to myself. Many other traits of an introvert (as I'm learning more) were pribably seen by her as me being not interested in her, just in my own cloud. But I was dependant on her, and did love her. Thats why I maybe agreed to seperate/dicorce too easily... And after it was real, I flipped out. I wen't crazy thinking "What the hell are you doing!!" "Whats happening!!"

Realizing that this is me, and her jumping to another relationship so quickly, Finally sunk in - that we are not the same people, not much in common, and enough already - just let it go! And I felt so much better this last week, with only a couple 'downs' that passed quick. I was so worried about hiw people saw me, about 'who's gonna want me?'. 

I seem to care less and less about other peoples opinions. I just care about my boys, and want to put my effort into them. When I met my ex, I was so self conscious and changed a lot about myself to keep her, and look how that turned out. Her 1st husband, me, and this new guy she's messing with... Are all the same-shy, quiet, respectful - guess that's what she likes, someone to kick around. The last few years, I've been getting more assertive, and that seemed to cause more problems. If she doesn't have total control over everything, she's not happy. So I wished her good luck, and I am ready to just see what each day throws at me, and not obsess about finding someone. After all, I haven't been single since 18! I'm 32 now - I need to chill and have some fun - hit the golf course, the casino, whatever. I'm afraid that I am attracted to extroverts that will be alittle controlling - not like I need a mommy, but something like that. Yesterday, i picked up the kids, and with her new 'friend' sitting right next to her on the poarch - I chatted with her, bull****ted, laughed about a couple inside jokes....and left feeling fine. She's let her guard down around me, seeing that I'm being cool about it all now (I was a mess before). This was a long time coming, we both new it. Last night, while lying in bed - I pictured her next to me, pretended that it was all just a bad dream - and I had her next to me, and after all she did, I asked myself "do you really want her next to you?"
"Besides to get laid, or feel like you won her back?" "Do you want that all back?"

About 5 seconds of thinking, and I said no....

Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I want to be with someone. But to say that I will make her happy forever, without having to try, and be happy myself..... Would be a lie. 

So her, and her landscaper that can't speak english, and is probably illegal - can have a blast! What the hell was I jealous about? I just wanted my possession back, my comfort zone back. this is a new life for me, and I have to just let sh1t happen on it's own.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds like you are starting to turn the corner


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Turned the corner w no meds needed!!! You Fn rock!!! Go you!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Last 2 weeks have been great. Thanks everyone! Only 3 months since we seperated and i thought it would take a year to get feeling this good. Maybe it wasn't true love. 
I see my ex alot since we have shared custody. Me and the new guy sort of get along, even though he doesn't speak english, we give the old 'whats up' eye glance. He's more introverted than me, and her 1st husband was the same - so I guess I know her type for sure! 
My ex is already bugging him about his exes, she wants to talk to them, she thinks he's hiding stuff - already found out alittle from his friends! She's already messing this new relationship up! But she's not the only insecure one - he's worse, and will probably cling on as best he can. She says that, he's actually jealous if me, and doesn't trust her when she's gone longer than she should be! Haha. She had big abandonment issues, which is why she jumped into this mess. Probably, she subconciously loves him being jealous. 
She's opened up more to me, even tells me about his issues in bed, and other problems. I get thay were more friendly now, but I don't need to be the shoulder to cry on! She says that if it doesn't work out, she would Never come crawling back to me... Hmm not sure - especially since my 180 is going so good, I know it ticks her off. Her calls to vent about this guy....I act uninterested, busy, get her off the phine quick. The other day, the guy cooked simething. My kid was in the middle of eating it, and when she told him that the guy cooked it, he pushed it away, said he didn't want it! Funny..

Anyway, it sucks being lonely, especially at night - but now that I'm feeling great, making friends, going out - life is looking up, not so worried about finding someone - like its a competition. Last weekend I tied my best score ever on the golf course - a record that I made 1 week before I met her 14 yrs ago! Made me feel good.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm not sure that you really understand what the 180 is at all. You are not over this person at all. You are having the equivalent of an emotional affair and loving it.

She's telling you about their sexual issues?! Telling you about their relationship?! You are a shoulder to cry on and you don't like it?!

THAT IS NOT DOING THE 180!!!! THAT IS NOT BEING NO CONTACT OR LOW CONTACT!!!

Maybe someone else can go into detail with you on this, I just can't. Good luck to you, you are going to need it.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

I'm doing great with the 180.... The no-contact rule is tough, when u live 10 minutes apart, and have shared custody of children. For the sake of the children, we smile and play nice. I can't go no contact when theres child psyc. appointment, first day of school jitters, and not to mention, we help each other out when one of us has something to do and wants to change around the planned time with kids. if I burned bridges with the beast, then I wouldn't be playing in this golf tournament next weekend that I broke my ass qualifying for. Next week tue, she has something to do in the afternoon, so I will get the kids off the bus... We're not at each others throats, and no-contact is not an option. 1 - because I'm not trying to win her back, not anymore, and 2 - we have children, 1 which is autistic. 
I am, however, still pissed about everythng she's done - and stick to the 180. For me, and to piss her off (which I can tell it is). She was a narcissist and a manipulator. She was planning on getting me being a begging sissy, so she could play with me and use me. I can't help but feel good inside, when I KNOW someone told her they saw me out last weekend with some fine-a$$ chick (just a friend). She starts asking questions, and I blow her off! It's great. Her relationship with this rebound guy is starting to crumble, and although she said NEVER again w me, I think she's seeing that it was a mistake and is taking an intrest in what I'm up to. Now, a month ago - sure. i would have been a sucker, and wen't right back. Mostly because I am lonely. But now, I have some new friends, and I am starting to have a social life finally, after 14 years of not being ALLOWED to have friends - especially women. I had abandonment issues, just like her. And I was self conscious about myself. On top of that, If you know anything about narcissism, you'll understand why I wen't crazy when I became a stranger to her in one day. She found a new 'supply', a new sucker. I was becoming more assertive the last year or so, standing up to her - and that was a no-no! She had me depressed and co-dependant. Everything about her is toxic. But, as long as she has SOMEONE to abuse, she's pretty civil with me, knowing that I'm on to her. When she starts with the whining about her boyfriend, I DO shut her right up. If it's not about the kids, I'm not talking about it with her. No-contact game had no chance, she's been busy manipulating this poor sucker, getting him obsessed with her, and I can see it all over his face, he's like her puppy dog. Such garbage, all of em. I'm not here to cry about my ex - Fvck her - just felt like saying something since its been a couple weeks since i said anything.


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

How could any human being not take glee in hearing that their manipulative skank exs' exit-affair is falling apart!? If people think that I'm still hung up on her, that's fine. If people think that I'm only telling myself what I want/need to hear, that's fine. 3 months ago, I was heart broken because she was all I knew since I was 18! I thought she found someone else that she loved! Nope, she just became a prostitute basically. Found a new victim. Once I started seeing what a pig she really is, and how she used me - that helped me get over it much quicker. Yes, there was an anger phase, but now - I'm at peace. I spent countless hours in therapy, just watching the therapists' chin hit the floor - the more I told him about my 'marriage', the more he showed me about my 'toxic relationship'. I never even knew what a narcissist was, and I had no idea what 'co-dependency' was. I WANTED to leave my house, but quickly after, I went nuts - like PTSD. After being schooled about these manipulators, all the red flags started popping up, and they still are. She was like a drug, that I have FINALLY withdrawn from. I go to sleep like a baby now - i wake up for work, and whistle while I shave. It wasn't love.... It was hell. I just didn't realize it until I was out of it. 14 years of being told I was nothing, i was stupid, my family was stupid, my hobbies were stupid, i could not survive without her.....! She knew ai was introverted when she met me, and that I had no confidence and was lonely. We were like rabbits the first few months that we were dating (which started when I was still in HIGHSCHOOL, and she was 25). Of course I was obsessed with her, of course I latched onto her like a baby. After she got her citizenship, and my son was born, It got bad - but I couldn't leave! I believed her bs, and didn't think I could be alone. 
Her new guy is the same as I was, and I honestly feel bad for him. But, i can't say nothing to him! People told me plenty before I was married, and I wouldn't listen. I defended her, I needed her. She had me good. now, it's like a whole new world opened up for me, and I feel better than I have in many years. This weekend AND next, I have plans to go out at night - with guys and girls. New friends, that make me feel more loved than 14 years with that sociopath. The 180 games, or no-contact games - don't apply anymore. I still do the 180 for me, but there is very little effort involved - because It is how I really feel now. And no, There would be no chance in hell of me getting involved woth that mess ever again. I'm enjoying being single, and if someone wants to change that.... They better be amazing!


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Sure, I get it. You have kids so NC is impossible. I would urge MCRC (minimal child related contact). Still, in light of how far down the rabbit hole you were to start with, you are doing AWESOME.

I would still hope that you would get farther away, but in light of what you have stated, the mere fact that you are where you are is nothing short of miraculous. Seriously.

I would give you this analogy. Remember those maze puzzles? They have easy ones on the back of kid's menus. Sometimes, you seem to be moving towards your destination, when in fact you are headed sown a dead end. Don't spend too much time gloating over her failed relationships or how she is screwing other stuff up or related stuff. Nothing about her life can be the source of any emotions for you, except as it relates to the kids. (Whether her new relationships are safe for your kids is always a valid question)

Still, KUDOS to you.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I agree, the hunted could become the hunter in this sitch. You make sure you don't use all this new found confidence in a negative manner or you are no better than her. And yeah, you can be the confident ex dude but keep it business and don't gloat. Make sure any woman you date that you treat her with the utmost respect. Remember, when you were in those deep dark places(despair/depression) is when you were supposed to grow!!! Thats why you tapered off the med in order to experience fully. It was also supposed to help you detach. So you are doing great, just dont get too ****y at this stage of the game...HA! DUDE


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You're doing great good luck and keep on keeping on!


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Happy New Year


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