# it's like him and i are experiencing different realities on different planes



## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

I'm not really even sure where to start. We've been together six and a half years. We finally have a date set. Honestly, I'm worried. Him and I work really great together, until we don't and then all hell breaks loose. he has a very hard time communicating - literally stringing the words together to make sense, so I am constantly misunderstanding him. He says he is "tired of fighting" but I come to him calm and respectful with my concerns, and he responds with cursing and screaming almost every time, the entire time.

Yesterday, I came home from work. I was told (by my mother who lives with us) that he had been on his video game since 3:30. Well, it was almost 6 and, 4 years ago, I wouldn't care if he sat on his ass all day, except we have a 3 year old son and because my fiance was on his game all day, my mom had to continue watching our son even though she watched him until 12:30 or so til my fiance came home from work. He will sit on a video game all day, every day if I nevr said anything. This is a problem we have - something we fight about continuously. I came in like 4 or 5 times over the course of about an hour "hey, baby, can you shut that off and come hang out with us?" "Babe, can you please turn that off and spend time with your family?" "Babe, please?" Etc. Etc. He'll tell me "yeah" and then promptly start a new game, making me feel disrespected, ignored and less important than a computer. This happens a lot.

Another reoccuring issue we have is the lac of a sh** he gives about his own health. He would buy like 4 of those monster energy drinks a week until I found out and put a stop to it, talking about how his family has heart and blood pressure problems and those drinks are so bad for your heart. I noticed I was finding empty cans still in the car and I'm just certain he started throwing them away before I even got home. The man is almost 30 years ago and treats his body like it's 16 still. If he has to be to work at 6 a.m., he will stay up til 1 or 2 a.m. on his game just slamming sugar the entire time. The only reason he even gets the 4 hours of sleep is because I start to nag him. I told him last night "it's not even about whether I feel like you can work your shift or not on tha little of sleep. It's about when you come home and you are so dog ass tired, you can't even function and my mom has to, again, take care of our son." He will go a week or two without brushing his teeth, sometimes the only reason they ever get brushed is because I start nagging him after 4 days. This man just doesn't give a sh** about his health. I worry he's going to just drop f***ing dead one day and we are going to be left paying the consequences. 

He can't do anything without going overboard. Anything he does, eats, smokes, etc is done with compulsion. There is no self control with this man.

Anyway, that last sentence, plus the constant feeling of disrespect is what we usually argue about. But, like I said, even if I try and talk with him, he just starts screaming, tells me I'm being unpleasant, and to get off his ass.

So back to my initial story: I come home at 5, hear he's been on the game for a long time, and also notice the guy doesn't even say "hi" I try asking him a question and he just walks off. I have to go to the store with my mom and our son wants to play in his pool outside, so I ask my fiance to please get off his game and play with our son. He gets off. Mom ad I leave for about 2 or 2 and a half hours. Come inside - he's on the game again. Whatever. He had cut the chicken into nuggets like I asked so I let him play and I started on dinner. Throughout cooking, I kept finding myself asking again and again to get off please. He wouldn't. Not until dinner was ready did he get off. I start the dishes after dinner and start getting laundry ready to fold. I ask him to help me (now he's watching a movie) he does. Ok, cool! I'm putting bits of the clean laundry through the dryer to unwrinkle them and handing those to him. I tell him I'm going to take a shower. The boy was in bed and I finally had a minute. He says "I thought you were gonna help me." I say "um, the only reason even half of that is folded is because I did it by myself, plus washed and dried everything. I figured you could handle it." "Whatever."

I take a shower and come out to get dressed and the last bit of laundry is in a heaping, wrinkly pile. I just say "hey, I thought you were going to fold it. Now it has to go back into the dryer." Mind you, I had already said "thank you, baby." To him helping at all. Anyway this comment starts a ball just rolling "nothing is good enough for you! You always have some sh** to b**ch about!"

I'm like standing there, wonderin wtf just happened. I'm trying to talk to him. He's screaming and cussing. I tell him please stop cussing and screaming. He screams louder. It just escalates - blows sh** all over the room. He says he's a big f**king man and can do what he wants. He says I'm unpleasant. He says I'm always up his ass. I tell him if he was the only one paying the consequences for his actions, I wouldn't care what he did, but he has a family and people who depend on him. He is screaming "I'm so f***ing sick of fighting!" I said I am talking with respect and he is screaming and that this didn't have to be a fight. He screams more. He says if he wants to play games for hours, he should b allowed. If he wants to stay up all night, he should be allowed. He says he shouldn't have to listen to my unpleasant a** *****ing at him all the time. 

He always pulls the "I can't ever say anything" card. This is most likely because when he says something, it comes out jumbled and weird and almost needs a code to decipher it so I misunderstand him. Hre's one example: I was talking to him about how I thought I have OCD based on what I have experienced since I was a child: anxiety, situational anxiety, holding onto things that don't matter, etc. To the point where it affects my daily life. He starts talking about how....and I quote "everyone has....some form....of OCD" I said. "Uh...no?" He was comparing normal people with certain routines to people with genuine, life -altering obsessive, compulsive disorder...or this is what I was hearing based on the things he kept saying. I was telling him "no, ocd hinders your ability to live a normal life and haunts you every day, all day long." He's like "yeah, I know" ok? How can you compare it to everyday routins then? Like he brought up how if you give someone a cigarette that usually packs cigarettes, they're gonna smack it against he couner and pck the cigarette. I'm getting upset at this point "but that isn't ocd!" He says "I know!" I'm like what the hell? And the we get into it...I'm mostly just frustrated because I'm so confused as to wtf he's even talking about. Apparently...he was just pointing ou that peopl have, what he called "rituals". That's it. He wasn't comparing. He wasn't even really talking about the same ting I was. It was almost lik he was changing the subject in the middle of what I was saying. This, too, happens a lot.

So, his usual comments are that I'm unpleasant, I'm on his ass and I can't just drop it. My issue is that he has no self control and disrespects me. He says I'm the only one that makes him feel that way. Well, obviously that's because we are close to each other and comfortable enough to speak up.

I am not upset about his particular issues with me. I'm upset because he has issues at all. I want to fix them. I want to change in me what is bothering him because he is a good guy. I always have controlled the finnces, the budgets, the chores, the errands - I just always took careof everything. I feel like he thinks I wear the pants and he wants to we're the pants, but he's just turning into a baby as opposed to an authorative adult in the house. 

We get along a lot. We do. It's just the moment we don't get along, it gets ugly, it seems. He says I keep finding things to ***** about. I say "no, it's the same things. It's been the same things. And will continue to be the same things". It's stupid, just stupid. We get nowhere. It goes into a big circle and we are still bck to square one. He will repeat "what's yur f***ing problem?! You always have a problem!" I have calmly told him "my problem" several times in the last 20 minutes. I feel like he's not listening.

Anyway, I'm rambling/venting now. To anyone who took the time to read this: thank you for being so patient. Thank you for the time. I really appreciate it. Sorry for any typo's - I'm on my phone and am typing fast. Lol.

I'm sure I forgot to mention things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You have LOTS of valid issues with this guy.

Write them down and prioritized them in order of importance.

Talk to him about these issues and tell him how important they are to you.

If he doesn't change or address them, you walk.....no only walk you RUN away from this guy and never look back. 

I can't believe you not only set the date but are still willing to continue on.

This can just be youth (I have a feeling) and he CAN change in time. Problem is, are you willing to waste your time/life if he doesn't?

Are you willing to commit you LIFE to that risk?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Escaflowne said:


> I'm not really even sure where to start. We've been together six and a half years. We finally have a date set. Honestly, I'm worried. Him and I work really great together, until we don't and then all hell breaks loose. he has a very hard time communicating - literally stringing the words together to make sense, so I am constantly misunderstanding him. He says he is "tired of fighting" but I come to him calm and respectful with my concerns, and he responds with cursing and screaming almost every time, the entire time.
> 
> *This points to major incompatibility.*
> 
> ...


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Escaflowne said:


> Another reoccuring issue we have is the lac of a sh** he gives about his own health. He would buy like 4 of those monster energy drinks a week until I found out and put a stop to it, talking about how his family has heart and blood pressure problems and those drinks are so bad for your heart. I noticed I was finding empty cans still in the car and I'm just certain he started throwing them away before I even got home. The man is almost 30 years ago and treats his body like it's 16 still. If he has to be to work at 6 a.m., he will stay up til 1 or 2 a.m. on his game just slamming sugar the entire time.


Repeat after me. *You are not his mom*. You will never be his mom. And even if you were his mom, that doesn't matter now anyway because *he is 30 years old*!!!

Yes, I agree his habits are stupid and excessive. It sounds like he has a real problem with impulse control. But the job of a wife is not the same as a mother. And the more you try to be one, the more he is going to pull this nonsense. 



> _Mom ad I leave for about 2 or 2 and a half hours. Come inside - he's on the game again. Whatever. He had cut the chicken into nuggets like I asked so I let him play and I started on dinner. Throughout cooking, I kept finding myself asking again and again to get off please. He wouldn't. Not until dinner was ready did he get off. I start the dishes after dinner and start getting laundry ready to fold. I ask him to help me (now he's watching a movie) he does. Ok, cool!_


I seriously can't tell if you are talking about your son or your fiance here. 




> _I'm upset because he has issues at all. I want to fix them. I want to change in me what is bothering him because he is a good guy. I always have controlled the finnces, the budgets, the chores, the errands - I just always took careof everything. I feel like he thinks I wear the pants and he wants to we're the pants, but he's just turning into a baby as opposed to an authorative adult in the house. _


You have your answer right now. He's turning into a baby, he's acting like a baby, and you are enabling the process. How's that working out for you so far?

Time to try something different. Here's a radical idea: how about let him drink his energy drinks, stay up all night, do his own bills, do his own laundry, basically all his own stuff. *Then let him crash and burn*, sometimes that's the only way people will learn anything.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

YOu "put a stop" to him drinking energy drinks. WHAT?

He sounds miserable and is trying to escape it by playing video games. I would be miserable if my wife was nagging, her mother lived with me and we had a little kid.

What you should be doing is creating a home environment that is more appealing than video games.

Why do you disrespect him so? Is he worthy of your respect?

He is not blameless. But, he is not here asking for advice. And, I do feel you have a great deal of responsibility here since you bore a child before knowing these things about him.


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

I am the kind of person that tries to see both sides to a story. I know that if there two sides, there are two different people who believe they are right. My question is always "why"? Basically, I really need to see the whole picture before I feel like I can really understand.

So...him being so adamant about his side was bothering me. I feel overwhelmed, overloaded with responsibilities and over-the-top full of things I need to stress about constantly. And then I look over at him and he's sitting on his ass, calm, and having fun. How can he be zoning out right now? Seriously? THere is so much to do! I wish he would notice I need help and just help me, instead of me having to ask. I've tried short lists before, like 3 things that really needed done (most of them were his own things, like calling his boss or whatever) and they'd get forgotten about. He doesn't like lists - that means I'm telling him what to do. I don't like waiting on him to help me, because it doesn't happen often. ANYWAY, I'm getting off topic. I really appreciate the things that you wrote. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me.

I have questions though. How do I get help without telling him what to do, asking nicely, or leaving a list? I've even tried "hey, just so you know, that pile of socks is clean. Just letting you know." Nothing. If none of these things work, am I marrying a selfish person? Or is it me expecting too much?

The health thing is a big one. I worry about this....a lot. Here's what happened the day after I wrote my initial post: My mom had our son for about 3 hours. My fiance stayed up too late the night before, again, and when he came home, he couldn't even talk, he was so tired. Obviously, she couldn't leave our son with him (she had errands to run) because the man can't even form a sentence....oh, now he's passed out. She took our son on her errands, which was a couple more hours, and then she brought our son back and put him down for a nap. Then she had somewhere to be, I was at work without a car (he had it at his job that morning), and both boys were asleep. She wakes the fiance up, he acknowledges her, she tells him "I'm plugging your phone in, and I'm going to turn it up. she (me) is going to call at 4:30 (which was 2 hours from then) to be picked up. Don't forget" he says "OK" and goes back to sleep...

I call at 4:30. It rings twice. Someone hangs it up early. I call 4 more times in a 15 minute span. Now it's ringing several times and going to voicemail...he turned the volume off. I keep calling because I know my mom is busy. It's almost 5...the time I get off work and I finally call her and tell her what's going on. She's pissed. She comes to get me. 25 minutes later I get a phone call - it's my 3 year old son, up, by himself. He wakes up his dad. I say "Please tell me what happened because I am upset. Very upset." He says "Iuhuh" (I dunno). "what are you doing?" "sleeping..." no ****. I say "why didn't you answer the phone?" He says "OH MY GOD. THE PHONE HAS BEEN OFF ALL DAY!" I say "no, it hasn't." and we argue about that for a few minutes. He doesn't BELIEVE me that he turned his own phone off after my mom set it up and turned it up by his head. ALL of this is due to the fact that he has gone 4 nights in a row with less than 5 hours of sleep. When he suffers the consequences of not going to bed, it affects more people than just him. HOW am I supposed to deal with that? If I even tell him what time it is he has a fit because I'm telling him what to do....yeah, just by telling him the time. I worry sometimes about him staying awake for our son and him having the energy for our son. We can't afford daycare...this is what works, but it only works if he goes to bed! It's like he fights it and fights it and fights it. If he would just lie down and turn the tv off, he'd be out in no time. What do I do with this? You seemed to break things down really well...what do I do?

My mom and us share a house. She helps with our son and we cover more bills. Her and my fiance are a lot alike. They get along. She also can piss us off. Everyone is like that.

I am confused about the "selling the tv" or even "turn it off" bit. How would that help? Wouldn't that make it worse?

BTW when I say "let him play" I mean I didn't b**ch. I didn't even say anything. 

Here's something that happened tonight: He was watching sherlock for hours. I didn't say anything. I did dishes, cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, folded the socks (I mentioned earlier), made pasta....I asked him "Hey, when you're done, do you think you could please put that fitted sheet on the bed?" He does. A few minutes later he makes the comment of "having to do everything around here" I thought he was joking. He f***ing wasn't! What the hell does that mean? It hurt my feelings and it pissed me off.

How do you recommend arguing? Or rather, how do you recommend addressing disagreements or even frustrations? The man screams every single time any conflict even thinks of poking it's head up. He lets off this freaking siren alarm. I feel I can only talk to him in one, and only one, mindset...and I hate that, too.

I love him. I don't want to give up. I want to fix this. I don't know how. How can you control a household that's so out of control without being controlling?


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

rehnbergzen said:


> Write them down and prioritized them in order of importance.



Write what down?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Oh honey, this is so so not the man you want to marry. If you think this feels bad now, well that ain't nothin' compared to how it'll feel after you're hitched. Does the word trapped bring any feelings up yet?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

""it's like him and i are experiencing different realities on different planes""

This is it in a nut shell, you already have the answer to all your questions and issues. You and he look at life differently, your priorities are different, your reactions are different, your basic core philosophies are different. 

I am sorry to say this but my opinion is the relationship is heading down the drain. If he of his "own free will" doesn't act as a partner (soon to be husband), father, co provider and supporter in your lives no amount of mothering or badgering is going to change him. All that happens is you end up with two very pissed of people living together. 

Love is a funny thing...the chemicals in our brains fool us into thinking we love someone and are right together, yet in the back corner of the logical thinking part of or brain we KNOW things are wrong. Look at this situation with the logical part of your brain; are you and him close enough on any realities or planes that you want to spend every day of the rest of your lives together? Fifty or sixty years of living the way things are right now? 

Think OP, think hard and logically.


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

Could be depression. Odd thing is he has always been like that.

I have to talk about some good things. He is good to talk to. He has the best sense of humor I've ever found in anybody. He's playful and sweet. He does do what I ask, but just usually is pissed as he's doing it. When he's in a good mood, our day together is what I would consider perfect. He's not always like all the negatives I have posted....just when he's in a bad mood. I think he's bipolar. He puts up with me even when I can't sometimes. I have some irrational fears that control parts of my life, but I also believe I have rational fears, derived from past experiences with him (ex: falling asleep and not waking up because he's too tired) that I try to prevent. And I do this by being controlling. I just know what negative things are going to happen if he does A or doesn't do B...or whatever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

intheory said:


> Escaflowne
> 
> This guy sounds like a train wreck. He is 30 years old. Staying up all night playing video games and guzzling energy drinks when you've got to be at work in 4 hours is just stupid, childish and irresponsible.
> 
> ...


We've done counseling. It was ok. We went to a free clinic. The lady we trusted and got comfortable with got a new job, so she left. I'm a little paranoid of counselors because they write everything down. I also feel discouraged because I don't want to have to start over with another person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious... When exactly do you get a chance to talk and be all happy and loving? In between video games and napping/passing out from a lack of sleep? How much quality time so the two of you get together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'm curious... When exactly do you get a chance to talk and be all happy and loving? In between video games and napping/passing out from a lack of sleep? How much quality time so the two of you get together?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He gos through phases of video games. Right now he's into hearthstone. We used to play LoL together. We have also been playing diablo 3 together. But my thing is I wait to play until the boy is in bed and things are done. He doesn't. Some days he won't play games at all but then he'll go through 4 days straight of 4+ hours each day...like a phase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Why do you need him there??? Because you love him? Because he's the father of your child? Because you need his paycheck? 

He doesn't seem like he wants to be burdened with a wife, or future wife, and a kid at this point in his life. He's immature and selfish. You are trying to play the role of his mother and he's rebelling. 

It's time to ask him to move out or at least get back into MC. No excuses. If you don't do something, other then complain, things will only get worse. And by all means, do NOT get married!!!


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

bobbieb65 said:


> Why do you need him there??? Because you love him? Because he's the father of your child? Because you need his paycheck?
> 
> He doesn't seem like he wants to be burdened with a wife, or future wife, and a kid at this point in his life. He's immature and selfish. You are trying to play the role of his mother and he's rebelling.
> 
> It's time to ask him to move out or at least get back into MC. No excuses. If you don't do something, other then complain, things will only get worse. And by all means, do NOT get married!!!


I wanted to hear what I can do to help this. There was one comment that helped a lot that was geared towards what I can do on my part, not how fast I should kick him out. It is all the good that I am hanging onto, obviously. I really do love him. I love the bad and the good and the ugly. I love the changing we've done together. I love how we can predict each other. I love that he knows what I'm going to forget when wego out the door before I forget it. I love that we still hold hands. I love that thrift store clothes are good enough for him, because that's where we shop, lol. I love that he makes me feel sexy even when I don't feel that way. I love his laugh and his sarcasm and his smile. I love kissing him and hugging him. I love that disneyland with our son is also his idea of a perfect honeymoon. I love that we have the same long term goals. 

There is genuine love here. He has a mental disorder that I do not understand. He gets depressed, while I get anxious. Neither understands the what the other goes through, but he tries to help calm me down and I try to hep motivate him and remind him of his blessings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

It's time to go 180 on his a$$. I know men do not like being treated like a child by their wives but perhaps they should stop acting like self centered, bratty kids. There are some women out there that like playing the mother role to their husbands but you don't sound like one of them. 

So what you need to do is just.... STOP. Stop mentioning the energy drinks. Stop mentioning how little sleep he is getting. Stop worrying about his hygiene (dental or otherwise). Stop asking him to spend time with the family. Oh, but the other things you need to stop is doing his laundry. Stop making him lunches -- or dinners for that matter. Stop picking up his favorite snacks or drinks from the store. Stop running his errends. 

This isn't a tactic meant to punish him. It is designed to lessen the resentfulness you feel being his mother and doing things for him when he doesn't return the favor. 

I am not asking you to break off the engagement but it should be postponed indefinitely. Don't set a date. 

I feel very sad for your mom and little child having to be in this environment. Things may be good most of the time but it's the bad times that stick with the emotional psyche.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Escaflowne said:


> Another reoccuring issue we have is the lac of a sh** he gives about his own health. He would buy like 4 of those monster energy drinks a week until I found out and put a stop to it, talking about how his family has heart and blood pressure problems and those drinks are so bad for your heart.


are you his mom? 

If not, let him decide what the heck he wants to drink. You should feel lucky its not four bottles of vodka each week.


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