# How did you know when it was over?



## inlimbo12 (Oct 20, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for over nine years and married for almost five. Everything was great for about a year, but looking back I feel like we rushed into moving in together (about nine months into dating), got engaged, and then bought a home about two years after that. When he asked me to marry him, it was very casual but still romantic, but it felt soon to me and I requested that we have a long engagement to see how things would work out.

We are nine years into this, and we've been going to couples counseling for about six months and have been discussing a number of issues — poor communication, no romance, few common interests, and practically no sex life. He thinks that I don't appreciate the things he does, like doing the taxes this year and helping me out since I have a knee injury, but I do think it's nice that he does these things and I do things in return. We read the "Five Love Languages" book and it basically revealed that we're polar opposites. I've been doing things to satisfy his "love languages" (acts of service were top on his list), but he doesn't reciprocate with romantic gestures (physical touch and words of affirmation were at the top of my list). Our relationship just feels very boring and it feels like he has no desire to change. 

I guess what I am getting at is that I'm beginning to feel like we're a mismatch and that things won't get better. I want to make things work, but in my gut I feel like I may have married the wrong person for me. I've always been a pretty independent person, and the idea of being on my own makes me happy. I will literally fantisize about being on my own — getting my own place, spending time with friends, traveling, etc. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with him if it's going to just be like this. I had gotten so used to how things are, but I realized that I feel more like friends than spouses. I've been honest with him and our therapist about how I feel, but little has changed and he gets angry or defensive when I address them. 

My question for everyone who got out of a long term relationship or got divorced is how did you know it was over? What made you sit down and have that conversation with your spouse? We've had nothing drastic change in our relationship, so in a way I feel like it's hard for me to make such a drastic decision.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

I suppose the moment of truth for me was when I realized that, after 28 years of marriage, he didn't know me. He never really knew me. He didn't want to know me.

Different issues from you as he had anger-management/control issues which resulted in me shutting down on him. Then there was his cheating which really ended it, but if I were to take a step back and review the past, I was so afraid of his temper that I either remained silent or went with his decision to keep peace in the family. His cheating just put icing on the cake. I was done then, but I was long gone before then.

Oh, and I couldn't be happier now. Free to be me. Liberated. I have no regrets as I was able to raise my sons before ending the marriage and they are fine. Happy Ending? I think so.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds like you are doing your best to adjust/change what's needed, but he isn't.

Can't blame you for feeling this way. This is a classic example of "love is defined with actions, not words".


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## Laralie (May 2, 2014)

I knew it was over when we had been married about 12 years and I was thinking, ok, youngest kid is 6....12 more years to go, I can do this. I didn't stay for financial reasons. 

I stayed because at one point I truly loved my husband. I wanted a family in the burbs and the pink pony in the yard. Stayed together 24 years. I was just counting down the years. One day he pushed me in to a corner (figuratively) making me choose between him and my youngest child, 18 years old. He lost. 

He hated it but I got the divorce, I had some happy happy years, then my youngest died. And I never did find that damn pink pony. And I'm not so happy happy any more, but it has nothing to do with the divorce. 

If I can offer one thing only, GET OUT if you are unhappy in your gut. I was just like you, I wanted to live alone so badly, I would dream of it. And it was every thing I knew it would be. 

hoping the best for you


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