# Confusing messages are killer



## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

My 22 anniversary was this past Sat. I received flowers. Surprising, after my husband had told me Dec 12 and New Years Eve that he was moving out. He still hasn't moved out to this day. Still wears his wedding ring. Has not told any one but me this feeling of growing apart, which he decided himself sitting on the sofa for the last year having a chivas or 4 every night. Yes we have had big issues, an affair 7 years ago he had with an employee. He got fired from his job. We were determined to make it work, especially for our 2 small children. And we did succeed with them as they are in a much better place today. 14 and 17. Now I get the "we have grown apart" which it is true we didn't spend much time working on us. We both turned 50 last fall. My husband has taken it harder than I with the thinking life is short, we are on the downhill. He drinks every night. We go out, have good times and he still tells me he's thinking of moving out. Waiting for a good time. Is unsure if he should get an apartment or townhouse, how many bedrooms. Really???? The emotional roller coaster I'm on is cruel and unfair. There has been no intimacy in a long time, hugs, kisses, even still to this day! I have strong moments, have told him is cruel and to go!! I get down as I am very emotionally invested after 22 years of history and moving every 3 years to move him up the career ladder. This isn't healthy I know. Has to end somehow. Confused. . . .


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## Age (Jan 11, 2015)

Go file for divorce then start dating other people so he gets a clue. He can't blame you for the divorce so make sure you guys make that clear with the lawyers before you try dating anyone.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Your timeline and history is sort of similar to mine, married a little over twenty years, my husband asked me to move out (same date, lol Dec 12), only we do not have kids. Our marriage has been troubled for a while, due in part to my chronic health issues, and more recently due to his emotional and physical decline. Still, even though I was daydreaming of a fresh start alone, I was shocked that he brought up the separation. I did move out, almost at once, and am so much happier, feel better, etc...for the past year I had chronic indigestion to go along with my permanent health issues. Now that is completely gone, after just six weeks.
We have not taken any legal steps yet, and email cordially when needed. But as far as I am concerned, I am ready to file when he has had more time to process things-he is not great with change and had been depressed for a long time. I guess he thought, or hoped, his life would improve if he had another chance-he too is just over fifty. I know he does not want a new wife or women...what he thinks he wants is a solo life, a move to Las Vegas, a chance to live like he did during his twenties...alone, sleeping, eating, working and watching sports. This was pretty much his life with me, but whatever, lol. 

Anyway, sorry to ramble...but I really believe men have a harder time hitting middle age than women in many ways. Something else always looks greener. Sounds to me that other than any effect you are worried about with your kids, that you too might be better off on your own. 

If you want him to move out, I would give him a deadline. If you want to work it out somehow, marriage counseling is probably a necessity. There really aren't too many options, except to go on as you are and that sounds to me like a bad option. Good luck...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Counter his indecisive actions with filing for a D yourself, sign it and leave it on the 

kitchen table with a pen. Limbo is pure he!!. He wants it over.... give him

EXACTLY what he wants. He sees some different grandiose life after D.

As a TAM vet I can tell you, that VERY rarely ever comes to be


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I read your other thread too. Do you think he is stilling pining away for the OW? After he got fired and you moved, what happened to the OW? Do you think they were still in contact? You state that he started drinking a lot more about a year ago. I was just thinking that maybe they were still in contact up until a year ago and maybe she finally dumped him.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> I read your other thread too. Do you think he is stilling pining away for the OW? After he got fired and you moved, what happened to the OW? Do you think they were still in contact? You state that he started drinking a lot more about a year ago. I was just thinking that maybe they were still in contact up until a year ago and maybe she finally dumped him.


I don't think so. I know they were still in contact after we moved for a while but she got frustrated with the fact that we moved very far away and it was over.

We are now however planning a separation. Told the kids today. It really sucks. He will start looking for a place tomorrow. Everyone seems to be doing fine but me. I hate that this is happening. He says things like he has never lived alone and wants to try. Hasn't been happy for the year. Will get a 6 mo lease. Who knows, maybe will not like it and be back in a month or will spend the entire 6 months and like being alone or who knows. He has no thoughts on what he hopes the outcome will be. I'm thinking will be an ok break. Nothing will change for the kids and I as far as living arrangements and such. Maybe I can learn some things about myself too. Maybe I will be happier with him gone? But it still is really hard and sucks!!!!!!


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> Counter his indecisive actions with filing for a D yourself, sign it and leave it on the
> 
> kitchen table with a pen. Limbo is pure he!!. He wants it over.... give him
> 
> ...



He has never once mentioned divorce. Is very confused about what he wants. Wants to be a part of the family but wants to try living alone. Which is what he will do! Searching for an apartment tomorrow. I am trying to see this as a positive thing for me to, to see what I want for the rest of my life. I look forward to the day that I get to that "ok" place because right now it still really tears at my gut!!!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

So he wants to be married in the kitchen but dine separately..... is that what YOU want?


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> Your timeline and history is sort of similar to mine, married a little over twenty years, my husband asked me to move out (same date, lol Dec 12), only we do not have kids. Our marriage has been troubled for a while, due in part to my chronic health issues, and more recently due to his emotional and physical decline. Still, even though I was daydreaming of a fresh start alone, I was shocked that he brought up the separation. I did move out, almost at once, and am so much happier, feel better, etc...for the past year I had chronic indigestion to go along with my permanent health issues. Now that is completely gone, after just six weeks.
> We have not taken any legal steps yet, and email cordially when needed. But as far as I am concerned, I am ready to file when he has had more time to process things-he is not great with change and had been depressed for a long time. I guess he thought, or hoped, his life would improve if he had another chance-he too is just over fifty. I know he does not want a new wife or women...what he thinks he wants is a solo life, a move to Las Vegas, a chance to live like he did during his twenties...alone, sleeping, eating, working and watching sports. This was pretty much his life with me, but whatever, lol.
> 
> Anyway, sorry to ramble...but I really believe men have a harder time hitting middle age than women in many ways. Something else always looks greener. Sounds to me that other than any effect you are worried about with your kids, that you too might be better off on your own.
> ...


WOW! Sounds so similar. He wants to try living alone. Says he never has his whole life. But who knows if he will like it or not and for how long. Planning on signing a 6 mo lease in a downtown area with lots of night life, sports arenas etc. I look forward to the day I feel better. Im still pretty sad and cant eat. I have older children, which is good as I can draw strength from them. Still suffering though.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> So he wants to be married in the kitchen but dine separately..... is that what YOU want?


No, None of this is what I want. That's why its killing me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You can not control who you fall in love with but you can control how they 

treat you. He is the only person responsible for his actions. You can in no way, 

be held liable for them. Now... you are responsible for your own decisions.

You state you are in limbo he!!, no one deserves that. Take control

of YOU. Tell him what you want to happen and set your boundaries. 

Go NC and implement the 180. I was there two years ago.... and as a guy,

I can relate all too well.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> Counter his indecisive actions with filing for a D yourself, sign it and leave it on the
> 
> kitchen table with a pen. Limbo is pure he!!. He wants it over.... give him
> 
> ...


I did have to do it though, tell him today was the day and we were telling the kids. I don't know how long he would have let it go on and I couldn't continue. I want to be happy again.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> You can not control who you fall in love with but you can control how they
> 
> treat you. He is the only person responsible for his actions. You can in no way,
> 
> ...


I had to do it. I told him this morning I couldn't live this way. I was determined not to be afraid of fear and what was on the other side of my fear had to be better. I brought it up with the kids. He would have never done it. Says he will start looking for a place tomorrow. I don't know what he thinks its going to be like. He will rent some furniture for his one bedroom apartment he thinks he will get in a reviving downtown area.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Yep, gotta go 180. Get myself in a good place.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Going No Contact. And Staying No Contact. - ChumpLady.com

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

The Healing Heart: The 180

read it, print it, live it


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Why is he looking for a one bedroom if you have kids? Aren't the kids going to stay with him ever? Or is he just ditching all of you?


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Why is he looking for a one bedroom if you have kids? Aren't the kids going to stay with him ever? Or is he just ditching all of you?



I don't know that he is getting a one bedroom. He said to me once that wasn't sure what to get, a townhouse, an apartment, one or two bedroom, if the kids would even want to stay over with him. I think since this is a temporary arrangement one bedroom with the shortest lease available seemed economical for now. Definitely not where he will live if we do separate forever. I don't feel like he is "ditching" any of us.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Why is he looking for a one bedroom if you have kids? Aren't the kids going to stay with him ever? Or is he just ditching all of you?


My oldest will be living out of town in a dorm room starting June. I imagine when she comes home she will come to the house and stay in her own room.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Your husband sounds very immature and selfish. I can't believe that a real man would abandon his family, leaving you to deal with the kids and house just because he's never lived on his own. Something else or someone else is going on. 

My husband turned 50 this past year too. He also has never lived in this own. He's not boohooing all over the place, drinking at night or feeling sorry for himself.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Your husband sounds very immature and selfish. I can't believe that a real man would abandon his family, leaving you to deal with the kids and house just because he's never lived on his own. Something else or someone else is going on.
> 
> My husband turned 50 this past year too. He also has never lived in this own. He's not boohooing all over the place, drinking at night or feeling sorry for himself.


I agree he is selfish. I agree there is something else. Counseling has lead to probable depression and self medicating w alcohol. I honestly hope he continues to gets the help he needs as he has some demons to face. It doesn't make separation and an unknown future for the family any easier. Im just here trying to get support make myself ok.

In all fairness, I am a stay at home mom, live in a nice gated neighborhood, drive a nice car. He will continue to pay for all, doesn't want anything to change for us and he is a good enough provider to do that easily. I am grateful for that.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Overat50 said:


> In all fairness, I am a stay at home mom, live in a nice gated neighborhood, drive a nice car. He will continue to pay for all, doesn't want anything to change for us and he is a good enough provider to do that easily. I am grateful for that.


This so screams "he wants to test drive another female...in privacy"


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Separations are often used as an easy way to cheat. He's going to be busy living the single life while you are home taking care of the children. And then after six months he'll decide if he wants to continue that or maybe find a permanent replacement for you or perhaps move back home. All about him. While you wait for him to make up his mind if he really wants his family. Shaking my head. 

Right now you're Plan B and he controls the future. You need to decide your own future.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

WOW!! What a difference a couple years make!! lol For some reason I thought Id revisit these posts today. I guess at the least I can give others some hope. Yes, 2015 SUCKED!! 2016 I realized I was better alone, got happier alone. I say alone but I have my college age daughter an hour and a half away and my 16 year old son lives with me and my 3 dogs. I did some things for myself, got my real estate license. This year I'm the most optimistic I've ever been about starting a new career, building HEALTHY relationships, being a good parent by example to my kids. I feel better than I have in years!!! Not legally divorced but he lives in another city now, 3 hours away, for right at a year. It sure takes some work but life is always good. Always something to be thankful for. Stay hopeful!!! Never give up!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hope that you're richly enjoying living as his "Plan B," because, strictly judging from his actions, you sure as hell ain't exactly his "Plan A!"

Is something who is this unblatantly unfaithful to you really worth holding onto?

I didn't think so!

*


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

I'm not a plan at all!!! Not A, not B not C. Not a plan at all!!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

"Get busy living or get busy dying" Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption 

You chose living!

Now go kick some a$$


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