# Daughter & new wife..and then some



## hummdinger (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi all. New here so bear with me. After some searching and seeing how active this site was, I decided to post my problem. So here goes.

I married a woman 8 years ago who had a daughter. At the time she was 6 years old when we met. 2 years ago we divorced. There were many issues with my ex-wife. My stepdaughter expressed her desire to stay with me. She moved out when I did and soon after my ex signed over her rights and I became legal guardian. When we moved out due to financial reasons we had to move in with my parents, where a year and a half later we still reside. She now is 16 years old. 

I have since met someone, who is wonderful. She is better for me, a better person, my daughter loves her, and she loves my daughter as if she was her own. We have discussed getting married, however there are issues afoot. This summer my daughter wanted to stay with her aunt and uncle who live across town for the summer. They have a more flexible schedule, a dog she adores, closer to her grandmother, closer to her summer camp etc. So I had no problem with it. I still saw her several times a week as she was at my house several times a week for dinner, as well as the weekend and going to church together. 

My daughter has since expressed a desire to stay with her aunt and uncle once school starts. My parents (and myself) are very structured, very planned out with a calendar marked with work, church, school, etc. My daughter being a 16 year old hates that. She also has stated that if my girlfriend and I do get married, she doesn't want to move in with us because it is the town next door and her elderly father lives with her. The simple solution would be get married and move in with her, and my daughter stay with her aunt and uncle.

But my girlfriend sees herself as being the reason my daughter would not be living with me. Even though it isn't her directly, logistically it is due to being in the town next door and her father. And when we first met she swore she would never be the reason I wouldn't be with my daughter. She would never let me get to the point of a choice having to be made between the two of them.

What do I do? If I let my daughter stay away, then I could lose the love of my life. But if I be the mean dad so to speak and tell her she is coming period, then I create a rift between us. She has already been abandoned by her mother, and I don't want her feeling like I am choosing someone else for my happiness over her. 

I hope this made some sort of sense. I look forward to hearing some input, good or bad, on me, or my daughter. If something needs clarification, feel free to ask.

Thanks in advance!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She is your daughter. You fought for her, you signed papers and she is yours. Meaning, you should treat her no different than a bioloigical daughther.

Your daugther's mother original father was willing to give her up. Then her mother. That is incredibly sad.

My view is your daugther needs an adult in her life that will not give up on her and not abondon her. Yes she may have asked for it to a degree but does a child really have the capacity to ask for such a thing?

I feel the needs of your child, who you actively sought to have become your child, come before the need for you to have a "love of your life".

Your daughter is testing how disposable she is to the adults around her... What could be better for her than to have a father that stands up and declares where she belongs?


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## hummdinger (Aug 6, 2013)

Thank you for your reply.

I do see your point. My daughter wants to be wanted. I believe that. And I want her. If I had my way, and if my girlfriend had her way, my daughter would live with us and we would be a family. 

My daughter even stated that if we got a place in my existing town with just the three of us, when would be all for it. But she does not want to live in the next town (even though we would not be changing schools) or feel she would be comfortable living with my girlfriend's father. But he is elderly and leaving him is not an option. He needs someone there with him.

The thing is that if my girlfriend and I do go our separate ways, and I tell my daughter she is coming back home with me to my parents, that it will cause friction and resentment between my daughter and I. However if I do the same and tell her I'm getting married and we are moving in together that it would also cause friction and resentment towards not only me, but my girlfriend as well.

And if my girlfriend and I move on, my daughter will also be upset because she wants us to get married. She feels we should be married. 

I'm so confused. I don't see any way with this that I can not be a bad father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your first mistake was letting your daughter go live with the aunt and uncle.

Now she has options and ways to blackmail you into doing what SHE wants.

Tell your daughter you're the dad and that she's moving in with you and new wife.

Period end of story.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

How far away is the house you would be moving to? Since she would go to the same school, regardless of your choice, I think you should probably bring her with you to your new house.

If your new house is only slightly farther away from her school and friends, then I think it's fine. She's just trying to rebel against your rules and structure. The solution to that is not to capitulate.

If your new house would mean a 45 minute drive to get to school, then put off marrying your girlfriend until your daughter has graduated and is on her own.

I don't think I would recommend a long-term arrangement of your daughter living apart from you just so she doesn't have to deal with your rules.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Another alternative, put off the wedding for awhile. Get daughter back with you, begin the school year, enforce regular schedules... and still date gf. 

You can keep this up til daughter turns 18 and goes of to college or whatever.... or eventually move to the next town and marry gf w/ daughter. Because once school starts and daughter's life gets back on schedule, she may mellow about all of it. 

Bottom line is that you are the adult, your daughter NEEDS you to not abandon her.

... and if you do decide to move to the next town and get married, so be it. She may not like it at first, but she doesn't get to call the shots.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Would a bio child of yours think she has all these choices about where she or your family live?


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Not one person has said it is OK for your daughter to stay with the aunt and uncle.

You need to bring your daughter back with you. Allowing her to stay the whole summer with them was a bad idea.

She is testing your limits. She needs to know that SOMEONE wants her and will not let her go.

You need to bring her back into your home. If that means going and moving out and bringing her into a new home with a new wife (and getting a school transfer), that might be an option. If that means you stay in your current home and dating for two more years until she moves out to go to college or to live on her own, then that is what it is.

Do. Not. Let. Her. Live. With. Her. Aunt and Uncle. Because. You. Are. Choosing. Someone. Else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others.

You only have 2 more years of your daughter being in school and probably at home.

Surely you and your gf can take 2 years to plan a wonderful wedding.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I agree with the other posters. Your daughter needs to be with you. All 16 year olds would pick a non-structured home over a structured, but what they need is structure. These are her most pivotal years, she needs her dad in them.

The most important parent is the one of the opposite sex. This one will determine what kind of spouse that child ends up with and these are the years she will be exploring those options. She needs you to be there, put boundaries down, meet her boyfriends, etc.

As for moving to the next town. She will just have to do it. She will be in the same school so it will be a minimal move.

As for the elderly dad, in my opinion, this is a great opportunity to teach her the importance of serving others and taking care of our own. Hopefully she will learn true compassion from the experience.

Bring her home, get married and both of you will enjoy a great new life.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> She needs you to be there, put boundaries down, *meet her boyfriends, etc.*


Haha, I'll be looking forward to that when my daughter enters teens. Can't wait to be a nightmare!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Haha, I'll be looking forward to that when my daughter enters teens. Can't wait to be a nightmare!


Ha! Just wait d15 sends 800 to 900 some texts a month. And ugh dating I guess I'll let her next year.:banghead::banghead:


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## South Accountant (Sep 5, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Your first mistake was letting your daughter go live with the aunt and uncle.
> 
> Now she has options and ways to blackmail you into doing what SHE wants.
> 
> ...


I do not need to read any furhter comments. I agree with this quoted comment.


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

You *must* end your fear of friction with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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