# once a cheater...



## BbySlth (Jul 2, 2012)

Everyone knows that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Before I met my husband I was in an on again off again relationship for just under a year. We couldn't go two months without breaking up for one reason or another and were constantly fighting. I cheated on him four times and constantly thought about being with other guys. I wasn't happy or satisfied in the relationship. He did many things that were equally immoral as my behavior. The relationship made both of us people we didn't recognize, which eventually lead to our final horrific breakup.

Anyways, since meeting and dating my husband I haven't thought about cheating. In fact, I haven't even felt the need to flirt with other men as I used to in my previous relationships. This is the only relationship where I have been completely committed and satisfied by one man's attention. I used to believe in that saying, but now I'm not so sure. I was just wondering what everyone else's thoughts were on the saying?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think the say is wrong,

Just like in any uhealthy behavior a person can change. For example, "once a wife beater always a wife beater"...I can say with the up most certainty I will never lay a hand on my wife again.

The AM (anger management) both group and individually has saved me. Just like the tools my fWW has learned to affair proof her marriage and the IC work she does to be a healthier person.

But then again I can't speak for everyone!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I do believe that if people take the time to address it and heal whatever leads them to the negative behaviors then it can truly stop.

All depends on the individual person


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I think it depends on the type of cheater.

During the 7th year that I've been together with my husband, we each participated in our own EAs at the same time. We straightened our act up, replaced our boundaries with strong ones, and dealt with the problems that were plaguing our marriage. I can say that our marriage is much stronger now.

I think the cheater has to want to change for the saying to be wrong. Everyone is fallible; it's what makes us human. My husband knows that he gets one chance. If he (or I [as he has the same boundary]) messes up again, we will probably end our marriage.

Now, a serial cheater. Those are a different breed. They are in a habit of getting their needs met by others, I don't think that it will stop without a lot of IC.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

BbySlth said:


> Everyone knows that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Before I met my husband I was in an on again off again relationship for just under a year. We couldn't go two months without breaking up for one reason or another and were constantly fighting. I cheated on him four times and constantly thought about being with other guys. I wasn't happy or satisfied in the relationship. He did many things that were equally immoral as my behavior. The relationship made both of us people we didn't recognize, which eventually lead to our final horrific breakup.
> 
> Anyways, since meeting and dating my husband I haven't thought about cheating. In fact, I haven't even felt the need to flirt with other men as I used to in my previous relationships. This is the only relationship where I have been completely committed and satisfied by one man's attention. I used to believe in that saying, but now I'm not so sure. I was just wondering what everyone else's thoughts were on the saying?


Your husband strikes a better chord with you than your other relationships,but what has changed about you that cheating is no longer in your repertoire as a way to problem solve? Personally,I don't believe once a cheater applies to people who recognize it and work to honestly change it.I see redemption all around me for a multitude of things,even for myself.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I do believe that if people take the time to address it and heal whatever leads them to the negative behaviors then it can truly stop.
> 
> All depends on the individual person


This....people can change....it just takes effort.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

As a cheater myself, I have been tempted when things in my marriage got tough. Very recently my husband was mercilessly flirting with his female business clientele, telling them things I only thought were special for me. I found this out and I wanted to have my own relationship outside of marriage so badly I didn't know where to put myself. This site and others have helped me to realize that whatever revenge or thrill I was seeking was never worth the hurt it causes.
Age and maturity help as well.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

BbySlth said:


> Everyone knows that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I've been thinking about it a lot lately.


I've been thinking a lot about this lately too. I believe that the saying is wrong, or at least that it can be wrong in some situations.

I agree with you that circumstances change, those that lead to the infidelity, and those that lead you into a relationship that you would never consider violating. 

My wife and I met when we were both past 50. I had left a 30 year marriage that was loveless and in which I was emotionally abused for many years. I remained faithful, but was NOT faithful before I was married. My wife was in an unfufilling marriage, cheated with a man that provided fulfillment, felt remorse and immediately divorced her first husband. She subsequently married the man she cheated with, who then turned out to be a serial cheater. We both had some history of infidelity, but I never broke a marriage vow. 

My wife seems to have felt sufficient guilt for what she did to her first husband, and said the pain caused her by her second husband let her know how bad it felt to be on the receiving end of infidelity. She says she would NOT do it again, ever. 

We met a few years after she had split with her second husband, but had continued to see him on and off before she met me. She said he hurt her immensely, but I was perplexed by the apparent post divorce contact. She said he wasn't "husband material." 

We met, and got married. I give HER the benefit of the doubt in this situation regarding the "once a cheater," but I WON'T give her EX the benefit of the doubt. 

She remains Facebook friends with both of her exes. I have NO problem or even a tiny hint of jealous feeling about her first husband, but I can turn green about her second in an instant; I suspect the ex she cheated with and who cheated on her would jump at ANY chance to get her back. For her part, she has given me NO reason to believe that she is interested, and she does NOT actively interact with him from what I can see. He has said Happy Birthday, etc in Facebook messages, which she does not reciprocate, and she rarely responds with anything, and if she does respond, it's just a thank you.

My lack of trust in her ex has made me feel very insecure in regards to the Facebook relationship.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

BbySlth said:


> Everyone knows that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" I cheated on him four times and constantly thought about being with other guys. I wasn't happy or satisfied in the relationship.......Anyways, since meeting and dating my husband I haven't thought about cheating.


There has always been women that when single that were easy. Real easy.

When they got married they never cheated.

The thing is being easy is not the same as being a cheater.

Have you grown enough as a person to not cheat anymore?

Odds are against you. Hope you beat them. Only time will tell.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's a character attribute as embedded as eye color. It's not what you do, it's who you are.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

BbySlth said:


> Anyways, since meeting and dating my husband I haven't thought about cheating. In fact, I haven't even felt the need to flirt with other men as I used to in my previous relationships. This is the only relationship where I have been completely committed and satisfied by one man's attention. I used to believe in that saying, but now I'm not so sure. I was just wondering what everyone else's thoughts were on the saying?


I’m a doom and gloom person here... sorry, but my reaction is ‘give it time’. 

It really comes down to you. Under what circumstances is cheating ‘not such a bad thing’? Some peoples thresholds are lower than others. This is compounded by how you cope with things such as disappointment. Add to it how you deal with problems and your own sense of self and how that is intertwined into the marriage “us”... 

Just sayin... Don’t ever say “I’d never cheat”; Everyone has their circumstances. Stay aware of them, steer clear of the scenarios, and recognize your own limitations. That way you might actually address the feelings BEFORE you find yourself in your scenario where it might be ok. Whether that be setting firmer boundaries with yourself or working on the marriage issue that is threatening to push you into your ‘perfect storm’... Marriage takes work.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

BbySlth said:


> Everyone knows that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Before I met my husband I was in an on again off again relationship for just under a year. We couldn't go two months without breaking up for one reason or another and were constantly fighting. I cheated on him four times and constantly thought about being with other guys. I wasn't happy or satisfied in the relationship. He did many things that were equally immoral as my behavior. The relationship made both of us people we didn't recognize, which eventually lead to our final horrific breakup.
> 
> Anyways, since meeting and dating my husband I haven't thought about cheating. In fact, I haven't even felt the need to flirt with other men as I used to in my previous relationships. This is the only relationship where I have been completely committed and satisfied by one man's attention. I used to believe in that saying, but now I'm not so sure. I was just wondering what everyone else's thoughts were on the saying?


what did your H do that was equally immoral?


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## BbySlth (Jul 2, 2012)

anonim said:


> what did your H do that was equally immoral?


He wasn't my H he was my boyfriend and he cheated, was in love with his ex girlfriend/best friend, and varies other things.


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## visitor2 (Feb 25, 2012)

It depends. If the person takes responsibility, feels sorry and hates the "cheater" they used to be, they can change. Much like people stop being alcoholic or stop being criminals and start a new life. 

But if they evade responsibility and make excuses, and still do all the little habits of manipulation and dishonesty, and never address the root causes -- like self esteem, lack of trust, fear of intimacy -- then they will cheat again.


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