# I want to care but I don't



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It turns out, I've had a lot of cheating friends in my life. 

Well, now the tables are turned and they (5) have been cheated on and recently found out. 

They're in pain, desperation, not sleeping.......

I've not brought up their past too much) and have pointed them to this website among other advices but tonight, after a phone call from a friend who cheated in her twenties with all her boyfriends, I just don't care anymore. 

I feel so immature but part of me thinks, "good, now you know exactly how it feels". 

I don't care to help or listen and I know there are kids involved and Money and no one is young anymore but it still makes me feel good that they are getting the taste of the pain they once inflicted. 

Does this make sense? 

Are you that way too or can you put your feelings aside and be sympathetic ?

I'm especially happy about an old, old boyfriend who cheated on me and dumped me on New Years . Now he is feeling some betrayal pain. 

This isn't usually like me to feel two wrongs make a right and I don't consider myself bitter. But I think I may be more bitter than I'd like to admit. I'm happy that my old friend is unhappy. :/


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Wow - 5? Yikes. Haven't had this experience even one time myself.

But I think that once infidelity has happened to you, you view it differently. And in your situation, trying to listen when you've got that added little problem of TRIGGERING - that's rough! Of course you can't be patient and sympathetic, not when you know the karma bus is just getting around to doing its thing. Nor should you worry about not being able to feel too sorry for them.

If any of them is interested in reconciling, tell them about Linda MacDonald's book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. I read it before I gave it to my husband - I think it's a good idea for the betrayed spouse to read it first and highlight the parts she or he wants the unfaithful spouse to pay particular attention to. Plus, the book can provide comfort and understanding so you don't have to.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Idk I think how you feel sounds perfectly normal myself.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

If you've been cheated on and know the pain, then most likely you will get some satisfaction from this kind of karma.

The irony of a cheater being cheated on and wallowing in their pain after what they did only serves to highlight their selfishness.


----------



## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

I heard this phrase in a movie "doing bad things to bad people makes you feel good." I rephrase it this way : knowing/witnessing bad things happen to bad people feels good. especially if the punishment fits the crime, especially if one was the victim of such crime, especially if one's perpetrator goes unpunished by one's standards. it's the simplest form of justice/karma.

I think what you're feeling is normal/human. don't force yourself into caring for them. it makes the situation/experience even more painful for you.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Idk I think how you feel sounds perfectly normal myself.


 Me too, just don't break out in chorus of "who's sorry now", that would just be mean. ...lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Betrayed partners often get a lot of sympathy and understanding here on TAM. In the future, perhaps we should make sure that we are not doling out any sympathy to anyone who has ever cheated in ANY relationship at any point in their lives.

Many would not be able to pass this test so TAM would be a very different place.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

In a very kind(cough) way I would point out to them how they cheated and tell them to be brave and follow the example of the one they cheated on to just get on with their life. Tell them it will be ok and within 3-5 years they will have gotten used to the pain and except for occaional triggers that will last a lfetime they can have a normal life if they learn to treat others the way they want to be treated.

Did any of these cheayers you know get cheated on by their victims?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What goes around comes around . . .

Empathy.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

As you sow so shall you reap.

I'll bet that most, if not all of the 5 felt like they were on top of the world while they were cheating.

It's a long way to fall.

The way that you feel about them is normal and expected.

The saddest part is now their SO's are cheaters as well.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I do not derive happiness from the suffering of others, even when they are getting what I believe they deserve. This does reinforce my belief in the karma bus.

Why do you have so many cheater friends? If their character is that lacking, they will screw you over at some point as well


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I agree, when I hear about a cheater getting cheated on later, I don't feel a lot of sympathy. I have an ex boyfriend from a long time ago, who cheated on everyone he dated (me included), whose wife left him for her OM and they're now engaged. My old BF is now ruining his life with the bottle as he can't seem to get over the betrayal. While I think his ex wife is probably deluding herself with her impending marriage to her OM, I can't seem to find any sympathy for my ex. Meh.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I don't think what you are feeling is abnormal or wrong, Rugs, but I can't help wondering if your circle of friends has a shared value system that somehow facilitates cheating. Seems like an awful lot of that going on around you.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Rugs, its completely normal for you to feel the way you do, and I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to here them talk about their misery about it.

You could simply say to any of them the following :

"I'm your friend and I will be here for you the best I can, BUT now you know how <blank> felt when you cheated on them, and how I felt when I was cheated on"


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rugs: "Yes, I feel your pain. Now, let me open up my sympathy box. Well wadya know? Danged thing is empty! You'd better find someone with a full box of sympathy for ya. Bubbbyyyeeee!":rofl:


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Yeah, I'd pretty much be only saying something like "What's your problem? I thought you felt that sort of behaviour was no big deal?"

Any friend I heard about cheating on their spouse, I stopped being their friend ages ago, as that's not the sort of person I want as a friend, so that's just a theoretical response from me.

Even better, if it's the person they cheated with now cheating ON them. "You knew what kind of person they were..."


----------



## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

hopefulgirl said:


> Wow - 5? Yikes. Haven't had this experience even one time myself.
> 
> But I think that once infidelity has happened to you, you view it differently. And in your situation, trying to listen when you've got that added little problem of TRIGGERING - that's rough! Of course you can't be patient and sympathetic, not when you know the karma bus is just getting around to doing its thing. Nor should you worry about not being able to feel too sorry for them.
> 
> If any of them is interested in reconciling, tell them about Linda MacDonald's book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. I read it before I gave it to my husband - I think it's a good idea for the betrayed spouse to read it first and highlight the parts she or he wants the unfaithful spouse to pay particular attention to. Plus, the book can provide comfort and understanding so you don't have to.




:iagree: I used that book and highlighted it and gave it to my wife to read. Found it incredibly useful.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Rugs: "Yes, I feel your pain. Now, let me open up my sympathy box. Well wadya know? Danged thing is empty! You'd better find someone with a full box of sympathy for ya. Bubbbyyyeeee!":rofl:



* ?*

Wow Matt ! REALLY ? What exactly did Rugs say that would make you post that ?

Bro, you having a bad day ?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Rugs said:


> Does this make sense?


Yeah, it's totally natural to feel that way and who can blame you? We all try our best to be good people but who can deny the bit of satisfaction we feel when a bad person gets what they've been dishing out. For thousands of years and up until fairly recently, that is what was considered justice. An eye for an eye. You're under no obligation to have sympathy for these types of people. When you put out bad energy like a cheater does long enough it's only a matter of time before you get some blow back. Who knows? Maybe it will be a life lession for some of them.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Full disclosure I am a former WS. With that said I can't ever see wishing that kind of pain on anyone. Even someone who did it to someone else. I'm not judging anyone that feels differently, just stating how I feel about it.


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

To each their own; we are all entitled to our own feelings. Since you have experienced the pain of infidelity, I am not surprised that you find some satisfaction in it. Although I have not been in that position, I am pretty sure I would react the same way. I suppose the best way for me to voice my own perspective... I don't actually WANT anyone to feel that pain, but if they do, I'm not going to feel bad about it.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> To each their own; we are all entitled to our own feelings. Since you have experienced the pain of infidelity, I am not surprised that you find some satisfaction in it. Although I have not been in that position, I am pretty sure I would react the same way. I suppose the best way for me to voice my own perspective... I don't actually WANT anyone to feel that pain, but if they do, I'm not going to feel bad about it.


I agree. Since affairs are 100% preventable, pretty tough to feel sympathy for someone who makes that choice. Meh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Rugs said:


> This isn't usually like me to feel two wrongs make a right and I don't consider myself bitter. But I think I may be more bitter than I'd like to admit. I'm happy that my old friend is unhappy. :/


It's not being bitter, it's called being human. You can't force yourself to feel sympathetic any more than you can force yourself to not be happy.

If you're happy that your old friend is unhappy, then that's how you feel. Don't make any apologies for it. You are not some android.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

barbados said:


> * ?*
> 
> Wow Matt ! REALLY ? What exactly did Rugs say that would make you post that ?
> 
> Bro, you having a bad day ?


No, you misunderstood. That's what Rugs should say!:rofl:


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I just watched one of the best guy movies ever again for the umteenth time... Tombstone.

I don't think you are bitter or want revenge. You may just believe that these people who cheated and now have been cheated on are getting a 'reckoning'. 

Your feelings are perfectly normal.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I was reading a post on "the experience project" forum - (I'm not familiar with the site but a friend sent me a link about a suicide)

Anyway, above the one that I was reading was a post about a woman having an affair with her old high school boyfriend. The tone gave ZERO consideration to her AP's wife or family. 

Other posters left numerous comments on how she should, "not feel guilty", "go for it", "you only get one true love", " you only live once". 

Out of maybe 15 comments left, only one left a sensible one telling her to stop the affair and have both parties divorce. She explained how she was a betrayed spouse. 

No one even responded to her. 

Very surprising how unrepentant or guilty some people really are over their feelings of affairs. 

I did then too, wish they each pro-affair had their own day of reckoning. 

Also, according to "the experience project" posters, there are a lot of people having all types of affairs. Of course it's the internet but I totally believed every story was true. 

I don't trigger too easily but I do get angry when someone is unsuspectedly being duped. I don't like this behavior. I can't even listen to phony phone calls on radio stations. I have always been uncomfortable with deception so affairs really have always angered me.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rugs said:


> I don't trigger too easily but I do get angry when someone is unsuspectedly being duped. I don't like this behavior. I can't even listen to phony phone calls on radio stations. *I have always been uncomfortable with deception so affairs really have always angered me.*


Ditto for me.


----------



## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)




----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. I don't care either.

Girls night out every weekend? Don't care. Just make sure your bags are packed at the end of the month when you find a new place to live.

You cheated on me? Don't care anymore. Just make sure your bags are packed by the time I get home from work.

Princess syndrome? Don't care anymore. You get no special treatment from me. Now shut up and get naked and get over here.

Your wife is having an affair? Stop whining and man up now, or just shut up already.

Holy crap. I'm jaded.


----------

