# What about those people who jump into other relationships?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I have 2 friends around my age (25) who recently separated from their husbands less than 4 months ago but are already in relationships with other men. I find it very odd that they can just dismiss their short marriages and find other people. What does it say about those types? One happened so sudden that I didn't even know she was through with her husband when she showed pictures of this new guy. This can't he healthy right? Or does that mean that they never really loved their spouse?


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

It's really hard to say whether there was love in the marriage or not. I do agree that it's not healthy to jump into another relationship so quickly. I believe that people who do that are insecure and are afraid to be on their own. But without knowing your friends I can't be specific about them. I think that anyone who is separated should spend some time on their own, figuring out what makes them happy, what they want out of life, etc. You can't really do that if you are focused on building a new relationship.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Interesting. I have to agree I think its a bad move to move so quickly into a new relatsionship. However, I can say that I'm not even divorced yet but I know what I want. I am still emotionally stuck on my stbxw but if I did find someone that wanted what I wanted I may jump on it quickly so as to not lose an opportunity to happy again. I am over 40 and have wasted ten years of my life with a spouse that didn't want children. I know I do and always did. My clock is not out but I am running out of time and I dredge the thought of having to wait while a new relatsionship develops. I think it takes a good 2 or 3 years to know someone well enough to get married and have children. To me it scares me. I'd be 45 or older and considering my first child. If I met the right women I would jump sooner too.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think it really depends on the individual situation. Personally, I think that it's generally not a good idea to jump into something else right away; you need time to work on your issues, like why the relationship got to that point, or why you chose someone who was a poor fit for you int he first place. But for some people, the relationship was over long before they separated, and if they've already worked through those issues, then maybe it's OK. That being said, there are a lot of people who try to move on to a new relationship because they think that will help them get over the old one faster, they aren't happy being alone, or they're scared to be alone. Those are the people who are usually doomed to make the same mistakes all over again, IMHO.

THAT being said, I don't feel comfortable judging others for jumping into something right away. Unless that other is my STBXH, in which case: he's an ass-hat. 

If you choose not to get into something right away, though, you frequently get a lot of people asking why you AREN'T dating yet. I'm already getting that a lot, and my divorce won't be final until next week. I'm not actively out there on the prowl, because I'm happy being alone. I'm enjoying this time to myself, being able to do what I want, and just being alone. But I've always been this way, a bit of a lone wolf, so to speak. If I meet someone who seems like a good fit for me, and something happens there, then great! But I'm not actively looking for companionship right now - my own company, and that of friends, is enough for me at the moment.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

When people found out I was getting divorced it was like they were excited. Many had the "ok well on to the next one" attitude. At this point I'm just too angry and bitter. If a close friendship with a man happens then ok but I won't exactly dive in with all fours either...


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

I separated in Oct and most friends found out soon after. What shocked me is the amount of people asking me when I will start dating and trying to find another guy for me. I am lonely but in my heart I know I need to heal and go some self improvement prior to jumping into another relationship. Instead of finding a guy to fill in the gap, I am spending my time volunteering which is much healthier.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I can't relate to it. 
My thinking is: either they were done with their marriages eons ago and that is why they moved on so fast; they never really cared about that spouse; and/or they were cheating already?

Idk. I know it is very easy for some people to jump from relationship to relationship and I think to each their own but it is not something that I understand at all. I have never been able to fathom how someone could go from a marriage straight into another relationship. It seems nuts to me.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> When people found out I was getting divorced it was like they were excited. Many had the "ok well on to the next one" attitude. At this point I'm just too angry and bitter. If a close friendship with a man happens then ok but I won't exactly dive in with all fours either...


Yeah, if you're angry and bitter, you're not ready -- but it's obvious you recognize that. Take it on your own timeline, and no one else's. People with the best intentions give crappy advice all the time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It can be healthy if the defunct marriage was on the rocks for long enough to get over it even before the divorce papers are filed. I was over my ex and done with grieving years before we actually separated, and I was happily dating within a few weeks.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

When your W of 20+ years says she is not happy and leaving, and all intel from close friends indicates she ain't coming back, you do what you have to do to survive. And when she finally got her head screwed on straight, I am suppose to be waiting with open arms, ready to take all the blame?

What is the correct time to wait? You are suppose to put your life on hold for someone else to decide what they are going to do?

Let's get real here folks, do you need some time to heal to get to an emotionally stable point to enjoy companionship again? Yes, but that is not an open ended invitation for us to feel sorry for ourselves.

Everybody has a different schedule but that should be as short as possible IMHO. We have to move on to what our future will be.

Just a different opinion,
Stretch


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Stretch said:


> When your W of 20+ years says she is not happy and leaving, and all intel from close friends indicates she ain't coming back, you do what you have to do to survive. And when she finally got her head screwed on straight, I am suppose to be waiting with open arms, ready to take all the blame?
> 
> What is the correct time to wait? You are suppose to put your life on hold for someone else to decide what they are going to do?
> 
> ...


Your life and your future is what you make it. Wasted time is wasted life.

On the flip-side, you do need to be ready and not just jump in to another relationship to fill the void.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm afraid of getting in another relationship without being totally ready. I'm told it'll be soon since our marriage lasted just 2 years with no kids or debts and we were on the rocks for almost the last year of it. I get tired of being told I'll be back in someone else's arms in no time. One of them was said friend who is still separated but moved back to her home state and got a man within days of her being there. She actually looks happy so perhaps he's an old flame? I forgot to take things such as that into consideration and just jumped to conclusions...I don't know her story...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> I'm afraid of getting in another relationship without being totally ready. I'm told it'll be soon since our marriage lasted just 2 years with no kids or debts and we were on the rocks for almost the last year of it. I get tired of being told I'll be back in someone else's arms in no time. One of them was said friend who is still separated but moved back to her home state and got a man within days of her being there. She actually looks happy so perhaps he's an old flame? I forgot to take things such as that into consideration and just jumped to conclusions...I don't know her story...


Just don't listen to any crappy advice


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Just don't listen to any crappy advice


Several of my friends advised me to have a string of ONS. I laughed at them and carried on doing my own thing.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Several of my friends advised me to have a string of ONS. I laughed at them and carried on doing my own thing.


As FiP pointed out... ignore the crappy advice. 

That would, personally, make me feel worse than ever.... but, yeah, male friends like to also give me that particular nugget of, uh, 'wisdom'.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

My gf is one of these people.

Discovered her ex's gay lifestyle. He moved out in June. She spent every day without her kids with me. Every fricken day she didn't have them. It was starting to infringe on my personal time....

Anyways, one of my friends recently broke up with his abusive physically and mentally/emotionally gf. All 3 of us started hanging out. Within 2 weeks they were "together" and I haven't seen or heard from my gf since. Maybe the occasional text. But she dropped me like a bad habit. 

So she used me and now my friend (her new bf) to distract her from actually being alone and dealing with the fallout of having a gay husband cheat on her for all but 2 years of her 8 year marriage...

Oh well, some people just have to learn the hard way I guess. I already see her treating the new bf as she did her exH prior to finding out about the affairs. Lets just say she's not the happiest and most cheerful person in a relationship. 

Old habits die hard and some people can't seem to be alone to work out their issues before jumping full fledged into a relationship. Oh well. And now she is on the "vi_bride - you need a man!!!" kick. Just b/c she wants to go out on double dates. Has nothing to do with my well being.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I think it depends on the person, situation, etc. Also depends on whether an opportunity presented itself or whether you went looking for the opportunity.

What if you met someone, just through the natural course of the day, and you connected with that person. What would you do then?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Honorbound said:


> As FiP pointed out... ignore the crappy advice.
> 
> That would, personally, make me feel worse than ever.... but, yeah, male friends like to also give me that particular nugget of, uh, 'wisdom'.


Indeed, it would make me feel worse too I think. My friends are very "typical". They don't think with their brains.....

Then again as each day of celibacy passes, my brain function is subsiding and a different organ is slowly taking over


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Septic,

I noticed you indicated not getting into a relationship again quickly. I agree if you feel a relationship is premature.

However, is it not in your available space to have a cup of coffee with someone who happens to be male? Would an evening of dancing in a local honky tonk have to lead to something serious?

I think a social life without the stress of the "RELATIONSHIP" is obtainable and in your case(many others as well) enjoyable.

Start thinking about coming out an joining us living our lives the best we can with an eye towards being happy. I think you will shine like every other caring, giving desirable person here that said f this, I am going to have some fun!

Happiness is an awesome narcotic,
Stretch


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

To each is own OP, I personally have a little girl and getting into a relationship is the last thing on my mind. Of course 25 is young, chances are your friends weren't really ready for a marriage in the first place. Of course this is just my opinion, keep on doing your thing, no rush. Heal first, you need a healthy mind body and soul to move forward.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I do think a great deal depends on how and why the marriage ended in the first place and how long the marriage was. Some people just dont want to be alone. 

Personally I havent dated or even tried, my divorce isnt finalized as we are still battling I guess. I made a decision early on that I wouldnt just jump into anything. I wanted to get my divorced finalized get that disaster out of the way. I didnt think it necesarily fair to try and start something new while still trying to get the old done. I'd be comparing too much I wouldnt be giving anything new my full effort. Im just not ready

My stbxw left me for another, that relationship ended in July. She was alone for 3 weeks and found another and moved in right away, that lasted a month. Now she is on person number 3. Is she finding love or just the comfort of being with somebody who knows. Jumping into new relationships fast I think does enable some people to avoid the true problems going on in there life. It seems to be a short term fix for a long term problem.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Some people are afraid to be alone, and/or they use the new relationship to bury the pain of the prior one, never really giving themselves a chance to process and heal.

So they have the new person lined up before they're done with the old one, or they don't allow sufficient time between relationships.

When I'm in between relationships, I've always given myself time to heal.

At least 3 days, sometimes as much as a week, depending on how fast my dating emailbox fills up with messages from prospective future relationship partners.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

lenzi said:


> When I'm in between relationships, I've always given myself time to heal.
> 
> At least 3 days, sometimes as much as a week, depending on how fast my dating emailbox fills up with messages from prospective future relationship partners.


:rofl:


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: What about those people who jump into other relationships?*



KnottedStomach said:


> I think it depends on the person, situation, etc. Also depends on whether an opportunity presented itself or whether you went looking for the opportunity.
> 
> What if you met someone, just through the natural course of the day, and you connected with that person. What would you do then?



I'm not sure. I'd settle for being friends but make it clear that I'm stilk healing from the last witbout blurting out any personal business.


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