# Why?



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I just need to know what I did to deserve him cheating and lying to me. I need to know what he was thinking. I can't trust him to tell me the truth. I need to know why I can't just kick him to the curb?

Together for 13 years, married for six, have a toddler son. He has cheated since 2005. Dday was six months ago. I wake up to this reality. I spend all day with this reality. How do I make it stop?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

no one deserves to be cheated on! some people are just POS's. its a roller coaster. my son was 6 months old when my XW cheated on me. there will be alot of tough times ahead but you will get through this.

AGAIN you did NOTHING to deserve getting cheated on, stop with that thinking and only worry about YOU and your SON!


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I just can't understand how someone can be so calculating and selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

realize that he cheated because something was wrong with him.

you didnt cheat. he did. he did wrong. not you.

realize this, because its a truth that applies to pretty much everything.
you cant control what other people do, only what you do. 
that goes for everyone else as well. including him.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I used to ask myself the same questions. Why do people give everything to their spouse yet they betray their vows and purposely hurt you. Nothing makes someone cheat. Even a sexless marriage. They just made poor choices and sometimes try to blame us. It reflects badly upon them, not you. My EXH is from a small town where he spent nearly his whole life...many of them met me and loved me. When they got wind of what he did, many of them actually stopped talking to him. And they barely knew me! It says a LOT about one's character when they betray a good person. You did NOTHING wrong. Please believe that.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

lots of people are that way. no way to understand why, genetics, selfish, losers take your pick.

me either my ex cheated so far down it was scary. the guy a total loser in every way. oh well 9 years later she is miserable with him and i have never been happier with a wonderful wife who loves me for who i am.

life will get better for you hang in there. again stop worring about him and why he did it worry about you and your son


----------



## Mortie (Dec 19, 2013)

I am sorry you are there. I am working on making it stop myself. As soon as I figure it out, I will let you know. Sorry I am not much help.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I have the answer, I think.

It is because he is human and weak.......Not a GOD.......Not Superman.........Just and average human.

Have you ever just sat at the Mall and watched people and tried to guess their stories? It's like that. After a while, you notice that there are a lot of Men out there but the scale is not one to ten, it's more like one to four.

You thought you had a Four, but he was really a One.

Now for the GOOD NEWS! There are a lot of FOURS looking for a GOOD woman with a child! This is no bull.....JM2C David


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Thank you lol. I hope septic change is trained as my husband is a purple belt : (

I'm just upset as I have to uproot my life and my sons life because he liked some kink.

It sucks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

looking for clarity said:


> I just need to know what I did to deserve him cheating and lying to me. I need to know what he was thinking. I can't trust him to tell me the truth. I need to know why I can't just kick him to the curb?
> 
> Together for 13 years, married for six, have a toddler son. He has cheated since 2005. Dday was six months ago. I wake up to this reality. I spend all day with this reality. How do I make it stop?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Realize that you CAN kick him to the curb.

You're not powerless. Sure, you didn't ask to be treated so
poorly, but if you let it continue and do nothing about it,
he will only continue to eat the cake.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

looking for clarity said:


> Thank you lol. I hope septic change is trained as my husband is a purple belt : (
> 
> I'm just upset as I have to uproot my life and my sons life because he liked some kink.
> 
> ...



My 9 year old son is a year away from getting his black belt.

Need me to send him by your place?


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Thanks everyone. Our non sleeping toddler is doing a great job of kicking everybody's ass. Yawn. It's part of what makes me scared to leave. Been a single parent is hard and I'm afraid of the effects of leaving for my son and our ability to coparent. Right now he's nice cause he is trying to win me back. I'm scared of when I tell him I want out. And I do want out of a relationship with him. I'm just dreading the actual leaving and adjustment period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

looking for clarity said:


> I just need to know what I did to deserve him cheating and lying to me. I need to know what he was thinking. I can't trust him to tell me the truth. I need to know why I can't just kick him to the curb?
> 
> Together for 13 years, married for six, have a toddler son. He has cheated since 2005. Dday was six months ago. I wake up to this reality. I spend all day with this reality. How do I make it stop?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Clarity...

4+ years out from DD, found out my wife had been serial cheating for years.

I must of asked _"Why"_ to her and myself 10,000 times over the first 6 months. In the end, it has nothing to do with age, children, health of the marriage... Plain in simple... *it's the selfish desires of the individual regardless of the devastating cost to the union. *

Ok, let's all agree there are contributing factors... BUT, *the act of Cheating is all on the Cheat.* It's a conscious choice not a mistake or accident. 100% him.

At 6 months, you are still in the "sweet spot" of pain and anguish. As time moves on, it never really goes away, but the it's effect will dull and you will detach from the constant attack on your mind. 

Hang in there.


----------



## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> Thanks everyone. Our non sleeping toddler is doing a great job of kicking everybody's ass. Yawn. It's part of what makes me scared to leave. Been a single parent is hard and I'm afraid of the effects of leaving for my son and our ability to coparent. Right now he's nice cause he is trying to win me back. I'm scared of when I tell him I want out. And I do want out of a relationship with him. I'm just dreading the actual leaving and adjustment period.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why cant you coparent and not be together?


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Everyone that is cheated on asks "Why?" It's normal to question it but it's also normal that you will never know why. Even some cheaters don't know why. 

Either way, you cannot control or create the thoughts, feelings and actions of another person. No matter what outside influences one uses as justification to cheat, the decision lies with them.

My WS admitted to demonizing me in his mind. I still don't know "why?" he chose to do it but he worked hard to hate me and blame me for all of his misgivings and misfortune for the last two years before he cheated. He told me he got to the point that he looked at me and actually saw a monster. He doesn't know why he did that. He doesn't know why he sees me differently now. Other than the sadness and anger about his cheating and my newfound strength, I am very much the same person he hated so much before. 

My WS also lives in a land that doesn't/hasn't had much consequences. Entitlement is an understatement because he's always had parents of means that can and will bail him out when life gets too difficult. He has never had to fall so far as to hit the bottom. I feel that's played a big role but he can't see it. I think I am the first person in his life that has ever given him consequences (making him leave, physically separating for a year, him not being able to see the kids as much due to being separated, my lack of willingness to recommit to him etc.).

As another has pointed it out, you are still deep in raw pain territory. I am a little over a year out and it does get better. It really does. However, you also need to do things for it to get better. For me, taking time-outs from TAM and going out and doing stuff with my kids (I did a lot of mom and tot playgroups and met new friends) really helped. This place can be therapeutic but it can also be triggering so moderation is good. Finding distractions is good. Counseling also helped me too. You need to have a person, an outlet to go and vent and cry and get mad in front of. Doing things for ME (new clothes, exercise, painting my nails, new hairstyle, make-up) also helped. 

Work on a plan to get out of there. Don't be so forthcoming with WS if you're worried about his reaction to you leaving. Also don't worry so much about what the future has in store, that's then and now is now. It never ceases to amaze me how much strength I can find in myself when I NEED IT. Don't let yourself defeat yourself hypothetically. When you are dealt a hand of cards, you play it because there is no choice and you survive it because that is your only option. I know it doesn't seem like it but you can and will look back on this experience in awe of the strength that you had one day with pride. However there is no sense worrying about that which hasn't happened yet. Just get through today. Then worry about getting through tomorrow.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm just curious, has he not been doing the right things that he needs to do to win back your trust since D-Day?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

looking for clarity said:


> I just need to know what I did to deserve him cheating and lying to me.


You are making this about you, when it's not. It's about him. When you can accept that, it will be so freeing.

It's not about you.



looking for clarity said:


> I need to know why I can't just kick him to the curb?


You can. You are just choosing not to.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I agree with RWB. At 6 months, you still aren't going to be over the initial pain and anguish of the betrayal. It probably took me 9-12 months before I could really rationally process everything. I'm not sure how committed you are to quitting or not, but if you think you can give it a chance, I think it might be worth it IF your husband has been doing pretty much everything he can to make things right since D-Day.

People cheat for all sorts of reasons of course. I think for many it's because they are just selfish (feel somewhat entitled to whatever it is that they want and feel like they can't get from their spouse) and think they are smart enough to not get caught. I think we hear about married people who will cheat on their spouses off and on throughout their entire marriage just because they can get away with it for a quick thrill. Sometimes it is because they have been miserable for a long while, feel a little trapped, which leaves them vulnerable to the kind words of another person and the spouse latches on to that like a cobra, as if they've been starving of thirst in a dessert and have been offered a cold glass of water.

One thing "Miss Taken" said grabbed my attention as well. I think I can help explain a bit of why her husband felt a need to demonize her:

I think the vast majority of people agree that cheating/adultery is wrong, very wrong. When you hear about someone who is cheating on their spouse, you instantly get the impression that this must be a bad person to be able to do that. Naturally, none of us want to feel like we are bad people, we don't want to feel judged negatively by ourselves or others. So I think for a LOT of people, if they find themselves thinking about cheating on their spouse, they have a deeply rooted need to try to find a way to rationalize their desire to cheat. To make what they are thinking about doing "not so bad" so that they aren't a "bad person" for doing it.

There are lots of ways to do it, but to demonize your spouse (and if the affair partner is married, his/her spouse as well) is probably the most natural and easiest way. It's easy because they are already seeing the new person in this amazingly beautiful light, seeing their wonderful qualities, and then looking to their spouse and not being able to see those same qualities. That starts the process. Here's an example... "Gosh this OW is amazing, she treats me with so much respect, offers to do things for me, dresses really well, is super smart, great with kids, is very successful, etc. My wife... most nights it's hard to get more than a kiss from her, she doesn't seem to appreciate or respect me for the things I do, she is basically in "comfy" clothes all the time, has no aspirations, etc..." Simply comparing the two starts that process.

But you can't rationalize an affair based on those little things alone. So then it gets vicious. "My wife ignores me, we never have sex anymore, she never initiates, she never wants to go out or do anything fun with me, she never says thank you or appreciates me, she yells too much, has gained a lot of way, she gets mad at every little thing, is super lazy, etc. My friends always say how I'm too good for her, or I deserve more. She acts like she doesn't care for me at all, I'm not sure if she has ever loved me. She's probably just been selfishly using me all these years."

All of that is likely very very exaggerated. That's the "rewriting history" part that WS's always tend to do. Presenting the relationship thus far as being way, way worse than it really was. When constantly contrasting the new person with their spouse, the history appears bleaker and bleaker each day, their resentment growing as well. All of this is happening because at least subconsciously, they want to rationalize their desire to cheat. The idea is that doing a fully understood bad thing won't make you that bad of a person if you can paint the impression that your spouse is a "bad" or "worse" person too. It may seem like they do it to convince others of this lie, but mostly it is to convince themselves. Once convinced, they won't feel nearly as bad or guilty about their decision because they will feel like they sort of deserve it after what they've "gone through" with their spouse, that he/she isn't really deserving of your loyalty anyway or ultimately, that they might be convinced that they are going to end the marriage anyway so it isn't really "cheating" it's just seeing other people a little early.

Again, the point is that WS's will naturally try to repaint their reality to better allow for or rationalize the decision that they want to make. Rewriting history, demonizing the spouse (and the spouse of the affair partner as well), etc. is all about convincing themselves that their selfishness is rational and that any pain it causes to their spouse is either deserved or simply the consequences of their own choices by being a terrible spouse.

Plus, to a certain degree it often works. Think about it, when you hear about a husband cheating on his wife, your impression of him probably instantly drops like a rock. He's a bad husband, he how could he hurt his poor wife like that, how selfish of him, etc. On the other hand, if you hear about a husband cheating on his wife who has an alcohol problem, flirts voraciously with other men, is a terrible mother, doesn't work or help around the house at all (lazy), berates him publicly with regularity, etc... Yeah you might still lose some respect for the husband, but a big part of you is going to understand why he did it, maybe even feeling like she kind of does deserve it, right?


----------



## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> I just need to know what I did to deserve him cheating and lying to me. I need to know what he was thinking. I can't trust him to tell me the truth. I need to know why I can't just kick him to the curb?
> 
> Together for 13 years, married for six, have a toddler son. He has cheated since 2005. Dday was six months ago. I wake up to this reality. I spend all day with this reality. How do I make it stop?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Were you guys having sex regularly? How was the relationship prior to his affair? Have you "let yourself go" after getting married?


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

He is going to therapy like I asked but he is not discussing his compulsive sexual behavior ( was it a compulsion or a choice?)
He is still giving me tt and has not admitted to a lot of the information I know about
He still tells me he thinks he can talk me into a threesome. 

I don't think that he feels bad about his behavior at all and I think he has underground and is still meeting with people for sex. But I don't know anymore. All I know is that I read these stories of sex addicts not stopping but going underground and hiding better. I want to believe he's stopped but don't know for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Nothing, you did nothing to deserve to be cheated on. Nobody deserves that at all, no matter what they do.

You need answers, but the only person who can give you them is your husband, and you deserve the truth, but like you say the trust is gone so, its a hard one..... The answer to your question.... You love him, that is why you cant kick him to the curb.

He has cheated since 2005...... 8 years???


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> He still tells me he thinks he can talk me into a threesome. _Posted via Mobile Device_


It really does not sound like he wants you and just you. He wants to use you for what you offer. 

You have to learn to value yourself more than that. You may not be ready to leave now but that day will happen. Your calm now and trying to think this through but once he pushes you to far I doubt you will be calm. 

Clay


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

We had a lot of sex before the baby but it has slowed down. However, the first evidence I have of cheating is in 2005 when I was in my twenties. I've always looked young for my age and we were happy and had lots of sex. He slept around while engaged to me. Took vows of marriage while already sleeping around. Had a baby while sleeping around. He had a personal ad on a swinger website advertising himself as a single male. He blatantly lied to my face about not using escorts when I had the proof in my hand.

I was in love with him in dday and for a few months after dday. I am now not in love with him anymore. I am a super loving person who likes to cuddle a lot. I don't yell or nag. I'm pretty easy going. I still look really young for my age and people are shocked when I tell them how old I am. I know he doesn't deserve me anymore and I don't want to give my love to someone who doesn't deserve it. I just know why my life is ripped apart when i was a good wife and mother. But I guess why doesn't matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Mel for 8 years that I can find evidence for. He is only telling me what I know and he is even denying things I know are true. I want out, I'm just having a hard time leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> We had a lot of sex before the baby but it has slowed down. However, the first evidence I have of cheating is in 2005 when I was in my twenties. I've always looked young for my age and we were happy and had lots of sex. He slept around while engaged to me. Took vows of marriage while already sleeping around. Had a baby while sleeping around. He had a personal ad on a swinger website advertising himself as a single male. He blatantly lied to my face about not using escorts when I had the proof in my hand.
> 
> I was in love with him in dday and for a few months after dday. I am now not in love with him anymore. I am a super loving person who likes to cuddle a lot. I don't yell or nag. I'm pretty easy going. I still look really young for my age and people are shocked when I tell them how old I am. I know he doesn't deserve me anymore and I don't want to give my love to someone who doesn't deserve it. I just know why my life is ripped apart when i was a good wife and mother. But I guess why doesn't matter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He sounds like a grade A @ssh0le. Good on you for deciding to leave him. He put your health at risk with his behavior.
Sounds like he might be a porn/sex addict. Let him sort his issues out without you being in the picture.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Its going to hurt and your never really going to get all the answers and everything your saying sounds like he is never really been all that remorseful. 

I was never able to understand why my xW would do it to me. but she did it over and over again until the last time. I found my breaking point. 

Sadly your going to have to find yours. 

Just remember you are a good person and you are not the one that did this. Your only responding to his actions. 


Clay


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

And then it doesn't help that he pulls crap like saying that all he wants for Christmas is his family as he can tell I'm pissed off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Its what he wants. Did he ask you what you wanted. Does he ever really try to figure out what you want or offer to take care of you? 

He is a taker and you are a giver. He will continue to take until you stop giving. 

Clay


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I asked the "why" question over and over myself. I think the "why" is because they wanted to cheat or they could not control themselves. My ex-wife had childhood issues that affected her self control.

Be patient, in time these feelings you are having will evolve. You will be a better and stronger person after this. I went through the healing process and feel like a new person. I am now happy with myself. I do not NEED a relationship with women anymore and feel perfectly content by myself.


----------



## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

looking for clarity said:


> I am a super loving person who likes to cuddle a lot. I don't yell or nag. I'm pretty easy going. I still look really young for my age and people are shocked when I tell them how old I am. I know he doesn't deserve me anymore and I don't want to give my love to someone who doesn't deserve it. I just know why my life is ripped apart when i was a good wife and mother. But I guess why doesn't matter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not about you. It is about him - his needs, his wants, he is self-centered. 

My recollection from your many previous threads is that he is not a particularly nice guy outside of the cheating - grumpy, moody and manipulative. 

It doesn't sound like he's a good companion for you in any way. You will have to summon your self-respect, courage and resolve, and file.

Only you can decide how much of this crap is enough. Make it soon, hon, the rest of your life is waiting.

Warmly, 
FH


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope you have started the 180. It is for you and your child.

hopefully you have also exposed his behavior to his family and to your family.

Have you consulted with an attorney about a divorce and your rights?

Hope your future will be better.


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I finally told my mom. I hadn't told her before because when I first had suspicions, I mentioned it to her and she told me that sex is not a reason to break up a marriage. However, when I told her she told me she meant a ons and not this behavior. She is supportive if divorce and she gave me a lawyers number she knows. I just have to call and start the process. I'm not going to tell his family as their is some behavior that is pretty scandalous and even though he's treated me badly I'm not vindictive or brutal. I like his family and will stay in touch after the divorce. I think it would devestating them.

However if he slanders me, then I will defend myself. I have screen shots and am prepared to send them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

So with all that has been said. What is going to be the real deal breaker for you. When will you draw the line and say enough is enough? 

Clay


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

The line has been drawn so many times. I took so much bad behavior and mistakenly believed it was my fault.

I used to say if a guy called me a b word I'd leave and when he did I didn't
I used to say if he broke things I'd leave. He broke things and I didn't.

Etc etc

So I want to focus on what I want in my life. I want happiness. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want a cheerleader who always has my back. I want to be a great mom and predictably my husband is already trying to make me doubt my mothering skills. I'm a great mom and I refuse to doubt myself. I want my son to feel loved, not scared. I want to not have to worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. I want laughter and good conversations. I want to like myself and know I deserve better. I want enlightenment and clarity. Oh and for kicks i want a million dollars lol

I want something real and I hAve that with my son : )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

looking for clarity said:


> And then it doesn't help that he pulls crap like saying that all he wants for Christmas is his family as he can tell I'm pissed off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I can relate to what he is doing when he says something like that. I know when my marriage was falling apart, my wife basically reached a breaking point where suddenly anything I could possibly say or do would be interpreted in the most negative fashion possible. What you say right here is EXACTLY the sort of thing I would hear her saying to her friends (via texts or facebook type messages that I would come across later). It was extremely frustrating.

Frustrating because I had reached a point where it all finally clicked for me, I finally realized what I had been doing wrong, the various ways I had been failing my wife (and family). She had tried hard for years to make me understand but never realized that she couldn't communicate that sort of message to me in her own (female) language, so it was always lost in translation. Once I did get it, once I had that enormous wake-up call, I wasted no time going into high gear to make the changes I needed to make. I focused all of my energy on correcting all of the issues my wife had been calling me out on, determined to be a new man that was worthy of her love.

Both my wife (we are still together now, nearly four years later) and friends/family have all since acknowledged that the efforts I made were very real, that the changes have stuck and I am a new person. At the time however, as I mentioned above, my wife had already reached her breaking point. In fact it was her finally being direct and honest with me after she decided to give up on me that is when I finally got it. So the problem is that I had finally figured out and was genuinely working hard to make these important changes and wanting her to see that at the very moment that she decided I was a lost cause and would no longer trust anything I would say or do, or put any further effort into the marriage.

Honestly I know I said things just like what your husband said above around that time, to her, to others, in prayer, etc. 
Things like: "All I want for Christmas is my family here together." She would act as though I was insulting her mother saying this. She used those exact words with her friends, "Now he keeps 'pulling this crap' trying to schedule family activities with just us and the kids." or "Now he is 'pulling crap' like telling me he loves me every morning before work and before bed." or "Can you believe he had the nerve to pay for my tuition this semester? As if he can BUY me back?!" or "Now he's trying to manipulate my family! He saw on Facebook that my mom missed her bus, so he went and gave her a ride home!" or "Now he started seeing a counselor. He says he's going to try to get help with 'working on his issues' but he's just going to tell all kind of lies and convince her that he's right and I'm wrong, I know it!" Etc. etc. etc.

I could never figure it out at the time. Honestly all I was trying to do was everything I could think of to figure out more precisely where I had gone wrong, what habits and perceptions of mine that I needed to change, and of course for her to know that it was really genuine this time, that I really would change and that I really wanted to for myself, not just for her. That was another issue that really would set her off, when I would try to convince her that this time was different, that we just needed "another chance." Those two words, "another chance" would really piss her off, usually resulting in a sudden expletive-filled rage saying something like, "Another chance?! I've given you thousands of chances for years and you never got it. You never listened. At most you might change for a week or two and then it was back to the same! BS. It's always the same, you'll never change and I'm fresh out of chances!" I'm talking white hot rage here. Like screaming, flames out of the ears rage, followed by slamming the front door and tires burning out as she races out to a friends house or something to get away from me and rant about the audacious things I had dared to say or ask for.

Again, I get it now. She was worn down for years. She had given me thousands of chances in a sense. I didn't certainly didn't understand that she had, or that I had failed them, but she did and I did. When she reached her breaking point, all the energy she had been using to hold herself together suddenly had switched to girding herself for the task of GETTING OUT. Like I said above, the reality is that anything or everything I would say would be interpreted as negatively as possible because she'd lost all hope for me and couldn't trust anything I said. She was miserable from the marriage we had up to that point and was fearful of allowing herself to be fooled by me again. No amount of evidence or proof in the world could have changed anything.


Of course I don't know you or your husband personally. Naturally I could be WAY off base here. I'm certainly not trying to say that your husband is just like me and has had his wake up call or that you should trust him or anything, because I can't know that. But I am guessing that you can possibly relate to my wife from what I've said here, so maybe there is a chance that your husband is in a similar place that I was in. Like I said, I saw your anger in what he said, and just thought I'd share a different view of what he might be feeling/meaning when he makes those statements, the kind of statements that would normally be wonderful to hear but might be tough in your present situation.


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Thank you cd baker

I wish my husbands case was like yours but it's not. He is trickle truthing me still. He will only admit to what I know. I know about a lot more that he hasn't told me. He, without prompting from me, swore up and down that he did not have intercourse with people and when they asked him too he said no. When I found the secret email account, I found he was looking for intercourse. He sent over 1000 messages to Craigslist personal encounters, escorts etc so he is lying and deceiving me still. 

I wish he's sincere but he's not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yikes, yeah that is all unacceptable. I'm really sorry to hear that.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

So if you D you plan on being nice to his family. You don't want to expose for all nice reasons. The sad part could be, that you file and your husband gets to dictate the narrative to his family. And if in the end they decide to stick it out with him and more then likely the old adage, blood in thicker then water, will be put into play here, those feelings that you have for his family right now will not matter.

There are cases of D happening and the ex in laws remain friendly but there are also many stories of things getting real ugly real quick.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

He is ashamed to admit all he has done so he will only admit to what YOU admit knowing. I don't know your other threads but if he was grumpy and picking fights it was to give him validation for what he was doing.

I'm sorry you are here. Just please take care of yourself. Be easy with yourself. You make lots of references to your looks, this has nothing to do with that. He sounds compulsive. It sounds like a harem of victorias secret models wouldnt be enough. It is a dark void. Dont let yourself fall into it. 

You did nothing wrong believing in your marriage.


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Luckily his mom, sister and brother live in another state. I have three nieces from his side and were pretty close and they are my sons first cousins so I plan to stay in touch for my sons sake for than mine. Its not up to me to out him to his friends and family. As I said, if he lies about me I will send the evidence I have to them if he plays dirty, it's pretty damning. He also thinks I deleted it and I made him delete the swinger personal ad but I took screen shots first. It is the deception that gets to me.

He has been really nice to me. Coming to work to have lunch with me. Trying to cuddle me and it clouds my mind. But it's not healthy. A man who has sex with other people while his wife is breast feeding his son ( and he would have unprotected sex with me) is dangerous to me. It's only a matter of time before he gets arrested in a sting operation.

I also have to believe he stopped meeting people for threesomes because I asked him too. I asked and caught him texting people a month later. I just think he's gone underground. I am leaving him. I have to sell my home, uproot my son, lower my income all because he wants threesomes. He took vows he never meant to honor and it boggles my mind - why would you deceive me?????

But it doesn't matter. All that's left is my moving on with my life. My son will lose growing up with 2 parents. I hate his guts right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> My son will lose growing up with 2 parents. I hate his guts right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the part I would not get to hung up on. Its better to get him away from his son if he keeps doing what he is doing. You don't want your son growing up thinking he can just treat women badly. 

The more time your son spend with you the better you will influence his decision in life. 

This is the primary reason I fought for custody with my kids. I would not allow her to take them and put her horrible beliefs and choices in to the kids lives. 

There mother still is making really horrible decision. A month ago the debate while they were at there moms house for the weekend was should there mother buy cigarettes or food for the kids to eat because there was nothing to eat in the house. Guess what she chose. 

Keep in mind she now has two more kids with the OM she is with. 

Clay


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I also hope you'll realize that just because he's been a bad husband doesn't mean he is or will be a bad father. I hope you won't try to keep your son from him (or seek more custody than is fair) just because of your anger towards him. Him seeking threesomes or other sexual pursuits really shouldn't have much to do with his ability to parent.


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

He also has an anger management problem and he can be verbally and emotionally abusive to me. However, he's been in therapy for two months and he is getting better. He used to blow his lid over small things and that's getting better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> He also has an anger management problem and he can be verbally and emotionally abusive to me. However, he's been in therapy for two months and he is getting better. He used to blow his lid over small things and that's getting better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Don't look for positive changes in him. It takes energy you need to focus on you. You need to realize this is beyond hope. What he is done isn't within the realm of reconciliation. Just my .02, I'd go into a self imposed witness protection program to get him out of my life. You can't love the venom out of a snake.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Reading your post brought back a flood of memories......but not feelings. 24 years ago my marriage was just like yours, almost to the tee. I got the courage to leave and file for divorce but not before I outed him to his family, colleagues, friends. His family turned their backs on me except for keeping in touch with the children. I was fair with visitation but you know he didn't see his kids more than 10 times while they were growing up. This would be the only feeling I have is anger for treating the kids so poorly. 

Please don't sleep with him because he will more than likely give you an STD, mine did and I had to have a hysterectomy.

Be strong for you and your son....you deserve sooooooooo much more. I'm just letting you know that you can live through a divorce I DID! 

Best Wishes to you,


----------

