# My Fiance Doesn't Know If She Will Stop



## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

I found out 2 days ago my fiance and future wife is interested in a girl. She has been with a woman before and I have always known she is attracked to them. 

This woman is a close friend and co worker of hers. My fiance said she just wants to kiss her but come to find out she might want more. She claims up and down she still wants me and doesn't want out of our relationship. 

She has kissed this woman already and I'm not okay with it. I've told her I'm not and I feel she will go even further next time.

She tells me she loves me but just wants to have fun with this girl. It will probably only happen once a month and she doesn't know how far they will go and she doesn't know when she will stop.

Her friend she likes thinks I'm okay with them doing things but I'm not. 

My Fiance knows how much I am against this and how much I'm hurt by this. But she wants to have fun. We have two kids, and a house together. 

I don't know what to do.. I don't think I can get her to stop and I can't confront her friend because she will just leave me anyways. It feels like she cares more about this other person then she does me. She is willing to hurt me, betray me, and still think we can have a relationship together.

I can't leave because of the kids and I can't let our family and friends know because she will get mad and probably leave me anyways.

I love her and want a life with her. I need her to stop so we can work on our relationship. I'm willing to do whatever except let her continue to pursue this adventure of hers that can lead to me.

I just need her to stop. If I leave and her friends and family find out then she will hate me. 

I feel like I'm stuck and I have to be unhappy for her because I don't want anyone to dislike her or be mad at her.

I feel like I'm screwed.

Advice would be appreciated.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I think you nailed it. She will do what she wants to do and will get mad if you try to stop her.

But that's only half the story. What do you want and what will you do?

If I were you and felt this way, I'd call off the weddings. Also I would expose the affair to my family and hers. It's important that the truth get out - you have kids and otherwise she will paint you as the bad guy and it will damage your relationship with the kids.

Sorry but you have no future with this woman - except as an independent co-parent - because she doesn't respect you if your boundaries.

IF you stand up for yourself, communicate firm boundaries, make independent decisions, expose the EA and PA, then you might have a chance. She MIGHT decide to chose you over the other woman because you have kids together.

If you continue to be afraid of her and continue to worry about her leaving you or getting mad at you, you will have a miserable life with her and she will eventually leave because you will be miserable.

Sorry but that's my take based on what you've said.

Why the he11 do you have 2 kids already with her if you're not married? I just don't get that. Marriage is "too permanent" but kids aren't????? Wake up.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Those poor kids. For starters, don't marry the woman. It would have been handy to find out who she really was before making kids and buying a house, but it's too late to fix that. If monogamy is important to you then you need to find a partner who values the same. It's a woman this time but next time could be a man, a couple men, a man and a woman...who knows? Having "fun" is more important to her than having a stable relationship with the father of her kids. You can't make her be faithful. Love doesn't exist without trust. The only other option is if you could accept being in 2nd (3rd, 4th, 5th) place. I couldn't and I doubt she could ever respect a man who could.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you are willing to let your wife cheat on you with a lesbian, you are in a real bad situation.
You can't let fear of her leaving drive your decisions. 
You should TELL her to leave, and totally expose her to all that matters to her if she fails to stop cheating.

Or, you can be a doormat cuckold whose wife bangs whoever she pleases.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

It's still a betrayal of the relationship. 

Would she expect you to smile and stand idly by if she "just wanted to have fun" with some guy with a Porn Star-sized package once a month?
Would she expect you to smile and stand idly by if she "just wanted to have fun" with some guy from a "taboo" ethnic/racial/cultural/religious background once a month?
Would she expect you to smile and stand idly by if she "just wanted to have fun" with group sex/ wife-swappers/ threesomes (or more) once a month?

So then, tell me why this is any different. Better yet, have HER tell YOU why this is any different. And have her try to tell you why this is NOT a violation of her relationship with you.

You say you can't leave, but you would say the same in any of these situations above?
It's no different.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This is why you date. It's a trial period. She failed the test.

Save yourself a LOT of heartache and agony (mental and monetarily) and move on.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Sound like its time for a meeting


Between your foot and her......











So you have kids Co parent, move on, buy her a belt with a funny buckle for her true love or marry her get a divorce she takes half and pay some stupid tax


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't Understand said:


> I found out 2 days ago my fiance and future wife is interested in a girl. She has been with a woman before and I have always known she is attracked to them.
> 
> This woman is a close friend and co worker of hers. My fiance said she just wants to kiss her but come to find out she might want more. She claims up and down she still wants me and doesn't want out of our relationship.
> 
> ...


You're definitely screwed if you stay in this relationship and value yourself so cheaply. If you stay in this, it's you, not her. You're not even married yet and she's cheating. What's wrong with YOU????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> If you continue to be afraid of her and continue to worry about her leaving you or getting mad at you, you will have a miserable life with her and she will eventually leave because you will be miserable.
> 
> Why the he11 do you have 2 kids already with her if you're not married? I just don't get that. Marriage is "too permanent" but kids aren't????? Wake up.


Only one kid is actually mine but I love them both more then anything.

She has already seen how miserable I have been for days and she hates it. But I still think she wants friends with benefits. She says it doesn't mean anything to her.

I'm not afraid of her but afraid of all the damage this will do. I have to protect her from herself. I have to protect the kids even if I have to be miserable for awhile. I saw the damage and what the child that isn't mine went through and I will not let that happen again to her.

I could have stopped her from going out with that friend but I don't want her to not have friends. I just expected her to make the right decision. I had faith in her. 

I need a way to communicate to her about what she is doing. She isn't getting the picture of what will happen.


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## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> For starters, don't marry the woman.
> 
> If monogamy is important to you then you need to find a partner who values the same. It's a woman this time but next time could be a man, a couple men, a man and a woman...who knows? Having "fun" is more important to her than having a stable relationship with the father of her kids.


I completely agree. 

She has never been truely faithful to anyone. I just hoped she would be to me. But I was wrong and I'm paying the price. All her serious ex boyfriends hate her and she doesn't realize that its her actions that cause that.

She thinks its okay because she told me about it. That reasoning blows my mind.


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## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> You're definitely screwed if you stay in this relationship and value yourself so cheaply. If you stay in this, it's you, not her. You're not even married yet and she's cheating. What's wrong with YOU????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I use to value myself that cheaply when I first was with her. But I have grown stronger and value myself so much more. She is the one that doesn't value me. 

I just know what will happen to her if I leave. She couldn't handle it. The kids will suffer.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Don't Understand said:


> I use to value myself that cheaply when I first was with her. But I have grown stronger and value myself so much more. She is the one that doesn't value me.
> 
> I just know what will happen to her if I leave. She couldn't handle it. The kids will suffer.


Then get custody of your child. Don't use the kids as an excuse to stay in a relationship where your partner is openly cheating on you.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

She won't stop. Why would she? She's got it made! A built in babysitter, financial stability, someone who is always there for her, gets to have her fun cheating, no expectations of her, and most of all no consequences. 

I don't believe you value yourself as much as you say, or you would have already left. She's cheating on you RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. 

She'll be fine if you leave her. I think I read another of your posts (she's always out with her friends that hate you? ). At least you know you'll always be involved with the kids, she needs someone to watch them so she can go out. 

She sounds wretched. You need to move on and find your worth. You're better than this.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

So, she wants a girlfriend as well as a spouse. Do you get to have a girlfriend as well?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't Understand said:


> Only one kid is actually mine but I love them both more then anything.
> 
> She has already seen how miserable I have been for days and she hates it. But I still think she wants friends with benefits. She says it doesn't mean anything to her.
> 
> ...


Why should she?

You are scared and at this point unwilling to do anything.

So you want her to fear and respect your willingness to do...

...nothing?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

This woman is POISON. That is why her exes hate her. She's a user, abuser, and is beyond selfish. The ONLY person she cares about is herself ( and that's debatable). The only thing you can do to remedy your present situation is to get your ducks in a row for the kids, and move on. How old are these children?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

OP if you don't respect yourself who will?
Not bashing just think about it and yes go for full custody of your kid.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Don't Understand said:


> I completely agree.
> 
> She has never been truely faithful to anyone. I just hoped she would be to me. But I was wrong and I'm paying the price. All her serious ex boyfriends hate her and she doesn't realize that its her actions that cause that.
> 
> She thinks its okay because she told me about it. That reasoning blows my mind.


There are no bad guys or good guys in relationships and there is no value in imagining that she is the primary problem. You can't fix anyone but yourself. Figure out why you settled for someone with such a sketchy reputation. Maybe you just fear being alone or think you don't deserve someone loyal. Maybe you focused too much on her appearance and didn't spend enough time looking for far more important qualities like her values and character. Maybe you jumped into a sexual relationship and got addicted to vaginal intoxication. That's been known to make men miss a bunch of obvious clues.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Putting the obvious fantasy scenario to one side.... :grin2:

Lucky guy, you've dodged a bullet. Found out she doesn't respect you OR your relationship BEFORE you got shackled, i mean married. 

I would have suggested making it clear to her that this 3rd party relationship is not acceptable, and it has to end and she has to commit to you..... but IMO it's clear she's not willing to do that. Which is a big FU to you, your 'relationship' and your future together. 

So, dump her. Move on.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Think if there is an arrangement that you would be happy with (not just tolerate). 

As her what she thinks the situation should be. Does she want an open relationship for both of you? Does she want both of you sleeping with this woman? Or does she just think that she can have someone one the side, but you cant? What does *she* think is fair. 

If you are strongly monogamous then there is no solution with this woman - you shouldn't get married. 

For some people having their wife have sex with another woman is different from her having sex with another man - for others its the same.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You can't 'protect her from herself.' She's a grown up.

It also means that you can't shield her from the consequences from her own decisions.

Listen, some dudes are wired in such a way that having their woman fool around with another woman wouldn't be a big deal, some dudes aren't. You're not.

So tell her the wedding's off so you can go find a woman that is wired the way you are and she can go have her fun. Custody is going to be tough, but there it is. She wants a hall pass and you don't want to give one.

And then mean it. Don't waffle, beg, convince, compromise, anything. It's done.

She might change her mind... But then again, it's more likely that it will just go underground.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

marduk said:


> You can't 'protect her from herself.' She's a grown up.
> 
> It also means that you can't shield her from the consequences from her own decisions.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

There's really nothing else to say here.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Don't Understand said:


> Only one kid is actually mine but I love them both more then anything.
> 
> She has already seen how miserable I have been for days and *she hates it. * But I still think she wants friends with benefits. She says it doesn't mean anything to her.
> 
> ...



SHe knows what will happen. SHe doesn't care. You REALLY need to understand this. It's important. Sometimes (not always)...people will show you who they are. Like your Fiance has. When they do this. PAY ATTENTION


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