# what you wish you did then what you know now



## nam3

New member, and haven't been married that long. Just curious, what do you wish you knew/did/learned the first year of marriage? :scratchhead:


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## Plan 9 from OS

A few things I learned along the way. 

Enjoy every day you spend together especially before kids. Once kids come along, it makes reconnecting more challenging.
Quality time together is what you make of it. I learned that even the most mundane tasks that have to be done can still be a great opportunity to keep that spark.
Don't let the kids crowd out your marriage. Remember that you are lovers first, parents second. It may sound counterintuitive, but the truth is that the two parent family is built on a foundation of spousal love. If that goes away, the family will suffer no matter how awesome parents you two may be.
Don't fall into the habit of constant computer, smartphone and multimedia device usage. I used to run to the office to play computer games or surf the web while my wife did her own thing. We weren't nearly as connected when you do that. Put the phone, tablet and computere away and spend time together interacting. Perfectly fine to do your own thing periodically (and it's healthy to do that. But it's too easy to do this all the time.
It's not worth it to tell your parents every little thing that bothers you about your spouse - especially if you haven't confronted your spouse about the issue that upset you. Learn to deal with your own problems.
If you have a problem with your spouse, don't be passive/aggressive. Just deal with the issue straight on. You don't have to be an ass about it, but if something bothers you, tell him/her clearly and directly.
Remember the golden rule.

Plenty of others, but my wife and I have had these issues in our marriage. Some were significant, others were smaller and just annoying. Hope this helps.


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## SimplyAmorous

A few thoughts on what has helped us stay "in tuned" with each other over these years.. very important to me .... 



> Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~~ Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade ~~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day ~~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend.


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## meson

It's important to keep courting your spouse. Invest in keeping your relationship alive. Don't let the busyness of life get between you and your spouse. Listen to your spouse from their point of view.


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## As'laDain

if i knew how much my wife wanted it, i would have been spanking her from day one


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## Married but Happy

When you realize the magnitude of your mistake, divorce IS an option.


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## Q tip

Marriage -- you need to keep investing in it and your spouse every day. Don't let a day go by that you don't cherish and invest. It takes care and feeding. 

Like a delicate beautiful plant. You know the basics of care and handling - apply them daily. It will easily last a lifetime with simple care. Neglect it, it will fade.

With both couples understanding how precious it is, you will succeed with a natural ease.


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## Q tip

Oh... And read Married Man Sex Life Primer.


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## commonsenseisn't

I wished I had learned to put distance between us and toxic in laws earlier. 

I wish I had been less passive aggressive and more up front in a non confrontational way. 

I wish I had invested more in my career instead of hers. 

I wish I had not assumed she would be loyal because I was.


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## BrightEyes86

Communication, communication, communication.

If something is bothering you, don't keep it inside and let it nag away at you. Talk to your spouse, but don't be confrontational about it. Use more statements of "I feel" rather than "you do/don't", as those can come across as accusations.

Don't agree to what your spouse wants if it isn't what you want. You might think you're being open and compromising, and yes every relationship requires compromises. But don't sell yourself too short to please another. Make sure you know what you want and don't want and what things don't matter so you can make effective compromises without regretting something for the rest of your life.

If you are thinking about cheating - ever - don't. Stop yourself and take some time to think. Why are you thinking this way? What is bothering you? And start a serious discussion with your spouse about it. Tell your spouse what you're thinking about doing and why, and start working on it.


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## michzz

commonsenseisn't;10801482
I wish I had not assumed she would be loyal because I was.[/QUOTE said:


> This!!
> 
> :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## hookares

I didn't plan it, but had I made my ex wife and her kids beneficiaries of my 401K retirement plan, she and half the town would ended up with it and it would have been me ending up living under a bridge instead oh her and her latest squeeze.


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## whatUknow

People are human, we all make mistakes, a relationship can come back together and be stronger after a betrayal if both parties are willing to put in the work.

Communication, trust/honesty, communication


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## SimplyAmorous

Q tip said:


> Marriage -- you need to keep investing in it and your spouse every day. Don't let a day go by that you don't cherish and invest. It takes care and feeding.
> 
> Like a delicate beautiful plant. You know the basics of care and handling - apply them daily. It will easily last a lifetime with simple care. Neglect it, it will fade.
> 
> With both couples understanding how precious it is, you will succeed with a natural ease.


 post !


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## TheGoodGuy

commonsenseisn't said:


> i wish i had not assumed she would be loyal because i was.


this!!


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## TheGoodGuy

whatUknow said:


> People are human, we all make mistakes, a relationship can come back together and be stronger after a betrayal if *both* parties are willing to put in the work.
> 
> Communication, trust/honesty, communication


The bold part is the key. I was willing (for a time) to give R a try, but she never took the first step toward me.


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