# needing to vent, to young to be old



## workaholic_momma92 (Dec 23, 2012)

to start everything off, i love my husband and i love my son. i would do anything for them. but my relationship with my husband is becoming more difficult to handle. weve been married for 2 1/2 years and we now have a 6 month old son. a few things you should know about my marriage are we got married when i was 18 and he was 22. we only knew each other for 6 months before we got married. our whole relationship moved fast because of our financial and home situations. everything in our realtionship seems to be routine anymore. i have no social life which is understandable because im either working or watching our son. everyone i know who is my age is out partying or going to college or just doing what normal 20 years old do, but im home making breakfast and dinner, going to work, paying bills and taking care of my family. none of this i have an issue with i love my family but i just wish i had a little bit more. i wish i had some time to act my age and not as a middle aged woman. even the very few times i get to hang out with some friends i get the cold shoulder from my husband. he doesnt understand that i need to act my age because he got to when he was younger and doesnt understand how important it is to live a life before you make a life. and because of this we constantly "bicker" just tiny meaningless fights because we have nothing better to do. everything from a dish didnt get rinsed or i got off work 10 mins late. and when it comes to taking care of the baby i do most of it, even though i work 6 days a week and he only works 4. every night but one i bathe our son, feed him and put him to sleep as well as waking up in the middle of the night to take care of him. and if i think about asking for a little more help its to much or he just happened to do it the night before. hes a great father dont get me wrong but he hasnt adjusted to routines of being a parent like going to bed earlier because the baby wakes up early. or goes the easier routes for things that should be done a certain was like always giving the baby his binky instead of playing with him. i just need some advice how to get my husband to adjust to parenthood instead of wiggling thru it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He doesn't understand because you chose this life and marriage and motherhood, etc.

You kinda lost your chance to be young. That was your choice.


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## workaholic_momma92 (Dec 23, 2012)

i know i chose this life and i wouldnt want it any other way, i just wish he was more understanding that i gave up my chance to be young to be with him and start a family. maybe help out some more or give me a night off without consiquence.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You can be YOUNG with your husband. You can be a whole young family.... not a negative thing. You don't have to drink or party to be young. 

And really.... marriage is first priority, kids second..... fun = somewhere down the line.


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## workaholic_momma92 (Dec 23, 2012)

i try to be young with him and invite him but he doesnt wanna do anything outside the house with us. and when i mean be young i honestly dont me drink and party. i just wanna hang out with friends my age, go to dinner with them.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

workaholic_momma92 said:


> i try to be young with him and invite him but he doesnt wanna do anything outside the house with us. and when i mean be young i honestly dont me drink and party. i just wanna hang out with friends my age, go to dinner with them.


It would be nice if you hang out with young married couples together. As time passes more of your friends will join the marriage club so maybe it'll get easier. As it stands, you being married but hanging out with single girls in clubs getting hit on is very tempting and it's quite easy to make a mistake when impair by alcohol. He has every reason to be worried about it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, the time for hanging out with your friends was before you got married, not now with a 6 month old to care for.

You most certainly can expect your H to do his share around the home and with the baby, but you can't expect him to be happy with the idea of you hanging out with your single friends. A chat over coffee, yes, but GNOs - not a good idea.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I think you should examine what you mean when you say you want to be "young." Do you mean have a break from your responsibilities? Be carefree? Really examine what you mean when you say "young."

There are certainly ways to have more fun--in that respect, being a young parent should make it even easier. You have the energy to play all day, hike with your baby on your back, camp, beach, water park... there are endless ways to have fun with your kids and husband!

But, if you can be honest with yourself and say you want to be carefree, and you do need a break from the responsibilities of being a wife and mother, I'd look for support in your community. It's excellent that you are acknowledging that you feel like you're missing out on something. Don't beat yourself up because that sounds immature to you. What's mature is dealing with these feelings in a way that preserves your family. I wish I could point you in the right direction here, but I don't know... in my community we have a resource called "healthy kids," maybe you have something similar. Or maybe just another mom who had kids at a younger age but is older now, to give you some advice. I'm sure there's help for you, just seek it out!

Good luck!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

What about "Mom and Me"? Something like that where you will meet new friends, who are young moms and who have the same concerns as you do?

On the other hand.... why not just make a regular ME day? Like schedule the third Thursday (or whatever) of EVERY month just for you. Go out to dinner with friends, go to a movie, whatever. One nite a month is enough to regroup, and not too much to ask.


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're going though this, and especially that you came here to get a little support and have gotten "that was your choice." instead. C'mon guys, a little sympathy here?

I think I understand pretty well how you're feeling. I got married at 19 and my husband who was 5 years older than me was a mental 60 year old 

Since you work so much could you afford to get couples counseling? I know most men don't like the idea of going to counseling, but you could try  Maybe if you went first and . then told him how much better it made you feel to talk to someone about the things that are bothering you. Or if he absolutely refuses to talk, you could try to drag him to a marriage retreat. It's always great to get a weekend away from home and have a little break from responsibility. I'm sure a family member would be more than happy to watch your little sweetheart for you while you're gone.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I'm sorry things are hard for you right now and I hope they get better really soon. xx


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

I empathize with you girl. I'm 21 and I've been with the same guy since I was 16. He's younger than me by a year, but he's an old soul... I have a 3 year old daughter and a 15 month old son and I love my life, but it does get a bit old. My problem isn't so much that my husband doesn't want to go out so much that he's not interested in the same things as me (he's the biggest nerd & I'm just not). Love stays strong when couples experience new things together. The adrenaline experienced kind of transfers over to the endorphins you experience in the relationship. If he won't go out is there anyway to try something new in? Maybe sexually? Or how does he feel about having friends over?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Where did meg and kasey come from? One post total each (on this thread no doubt) on TAM with the same opinion that differs from what *everyone* else has said. Something smells fishy here. Cmon

Edit: Actually the comments aren't so off base. Counciling and couples retreat might be good ideas and well intended? But still fishy.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I was (am?) in the same boat. Had kids young, lived together young, basically before we were 18. At 19 I felt 36. Every one else either had kids and dropped contact or was out being young. 

I suddenly had the thing I wanted, to be grown. Unfortunately I had not truly thought out this plan well. A baby, a baby daddy, disagreements, not having enough life experience to deal with issues, bills, landlords, he and I accountable for everything. 

Some where sex fit into the picture, and growing up. Add to the fact we both had to unlearn and reparent ourselves and the other. That took the longest. (our moms/sperm donors did a number on us)

Flash forward 10 years of fly by night jobs countless apts and living on and off with my mom, more kids, at 26 I felt 60. 

Today I feel 20. I think it's funny, because I was never 20!! But I still can't find other couples to hang with. Not many can make the check list of together for 20 years, and have kids as old as 15-18 and are close to our age. 

It's one of those things that age will work out, and communication. It's going to be the two adults and not many outsiders, and you have to be ok with that.


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Where did meg and kasey come from? One post total each (on this thread no doubt) on TAM with the same opinion that differs from what *everyone* else has said. Something smells fishy here. Cmon
> 
> Edit: Actually the comments aren't so off base. Counciling and couples retreat might be good ideas and well intended? But still fishy.


I can't speak for Meg, but I've been looking around this site for months, this was just the first thing that tempted me to comment. Probably because I relate so strongly. It must be miserable to be so cynical... Is it really so fishy to feel empathy?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

1kasey said:


> I can't speak for Meg, but I've been looking around this site for months, this was just the first thing that tempted me to comment. Probably because I relate so strongly. It must be miserable to be so cynical... Is it really so fishy to feel empathy?


Then it's good to have you and yes it is a little frustrating to see the world and our nature as fallible. This thread for example OP is trying to justify dangerous behavior and vilify hubby. Probably not her intent.


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Then it's good to have you and yes it is a little frustrating to see the world and our nature as fallible. This thread for example OP is trying to justify dangerous behavior and vilify hubby. Probably not her intent.


Thank you  I understand bad experiences change the way we view the world and make us suspicious. 

I disagree with you though. She specifically said that she wasn't wanting to go out and be crazy, that she just wanted a little good clean fun in her marriage and life. Don't we all? And I don't think she's trying to make her husband out to be a villain by saying she'd like a little more from him. As girls we dream of prince charming not king of the TV  I almost want to sue Disney for the gross misrepresentation haha

Sometimes we just need someone to let us say whats on our mind (no matter how horrible and/or crazy it is, not that this is horrible or crazy) and not correct us. For example, I have a puppy that drives me nuts and if I text hubby about it I'll get back dog training advice which is all kinds of ironic because I've been learning about dog training for a year and he's just gotten interested in the last month  So I text my best girlfriend and she knows exactly what to say. Something along the lines of "That B****!" That's all I need to make me feel better.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi, it sounds like you have 2 issues - a husband who may not be pulling his weight and giving you a hard time for being 10 minutes late though you work 6 days/week vs. his 4, and that you want to be like other 20 year olds.

What is your husband's problem with you going out every now and then? Moms do that, regardless of age. Is it that he thinks you should be home with the kid? He's making you feel like a negligent bad mom? What is his problem with 3-4 hours once a month?

You need to tell him that you need this time to be a better, happier, more fulfilled person, and a better mom. A happy person makes a happier wife and mother. He should have a boys night out and hang out with his friends, if he has any. Maybe he doesn't have friends and wants to begrudge you of your own happiness.

Stand your ground and demand this very little for yourself. Do you want to go on a date with your husband? Find someone to babysit.


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## workaholic_momma92 (Dec 23, 2012)

thanks to a lot of you for advice. it actually does help. and i know i really need to put my foot down and have him do a little more.


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## SecondSkin (Dec 25, 2012)

Seriously. What is WITH some of the people on this forum?

She's not asking for much, ladies! She just wants to go out with her friends once a week and hang out. She's doing virtually ALL the work for the baby. Her husband COULD watch the baby, but instead gives her the cold shoulder. Marriage is a two way street, -- GIVE and TAKE. It's NOT a cage. If this guy can't help her to be happy, then the marriage is doomed.

Those of you saying "you chose this life..." Ummmm,... NO she didn't. She chose to get _married_. I guess your definition of marriage is complete deference to the man? If he loves her, he WANTS her to be happy. And she's not asking for much. I think he could handle it.


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## confused_in_ca (Nov 20, 2012)

I agree. Since you had kids young trust me, you can still do the fun social stuff in you late thirties.
Take the advice of the other posters who said to find new friends who are also mums or your single friends WILL undermine your family. There is a lot of social pressure to stay out, drink more, flirt with guys... If you want a regular gno, then build his trust and be home at a decent hour (before last call craziness), reasonably sober and get him in return to help out more at home.
I am forty two and definitely not old though I thought it was at your age.
You have plenty of time to do it all, just not at once.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, she chose her husband. She chose to have a child in her early 20s. I did too. It was rough. Once a week going out is a lot, no? Although, I just took the baby with me and she slept. Albeit, I was single her first year.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I got a chuckle out of "being a middle aged woman" because you have a six month old child. Lol. My mom had 6 kids by the time she was 28.

Look at the bright side....you'll be an empty-nester (kids gone) when all your friends are in the middle of raising their kids. I know. I started late. I'm 50 with a 13 and 10 year old.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

It's not being middle aged because you have a 6 month old, it's feeling middle aged because you have a baby, a husband, and are running a household by the time you are 20 in a time when 20 something's are not looking to settle down with a baby and a husband. 

They are young and have school, starting careers and want to enjoy this free time in life. 

It's not about feeling middle aged because you have a 6 month old, it's being able to reflect back to a carefree time and either realize you never had a time when you were not responsible for another persons feelings and well being - or thinking that you were just demanding freedom from you parental units and sleeping late on the weekends, eating candy for dinner, and doing whatever you wanted (aside from high school, and parents rules) and it was just last year, 2 years, 3 years ago. 

I think most of us have a hard moment of breakdown when this thought bubble arrived. 

And there is no solace in the thinking when we are 40-50 most people will have minor children at home. It makes it worse to know because we fall into the alone bracket. Either when we started out, everyone was busy doin them and couldn't have cared less for roles of wife/husband, mother/father....or now that our kids are responsible for themselves and we get out lives back, NOW every one wants to be married with kids, and we still don't have anyone outside of our union to converse with. 

We (my husband and I) have "people's" but they are all young, 10-24. Older folks just shrug us off with "we are lying, and HA youth, what do they know". They write us off making snap decisions about us. Dosent matter if you married the father of your kid(s), you still get the glares of "wh0re". 

And making friends at through kids school dosent work. Apparently nobody wants a young nice looking mom to be around them or husbands. After all, who wants some high school s!ut in their inner circle. No, I haven't been verbally told this, but body language speaks volumes. The one sides conversations, the turning their back to you, the looking down their noses, points, whispers, the glares. 

You don't have to speak words to me in order for me not to feel welcomed. Your crossed arms, and all knowing sneer already told me everything.


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