# emotional abuse? feel numb and don't eon being around him



## onetwobucklemyshoe (May 22, 2014)

I'm so confused, numb and feel like a shell of my former self. I used to be so strong but now all I feel is empty and lost. I need your opinions about what's going on. Please

Here a just a few highlights ( will expand on them if people want me too)

1. Since we had kids he works all the time. He doesn't have to and I've ask him to keep free days but it's always in the next few months. I have essentially had to raise our 10 and 8 year old by myself. I noticed the stress of raising a family doesn't agree with him and I think this is his way out of doing it.

2. We walk on egg shells so we don't set him off. He doesn't yell or scream. He ignores completely and not just for a few hours, or days, WEEKS. we are currently on day 14 of the silent treatment because I didn't like how rude he was to me and I told him I dont like spending time with him. I can't count how many times he has done this.

3. He never a asks how my day was or offer to help with the kids. I have chronic back pain which he never asks about or offers to help when he sees I'm having a hard day. A couple months ago, I was really sick and he just walked on by while I was laying on the floor by the toliet. I had to bring to kids to my parents house cuz I couldn't take care of them.

4. He disregards my needs. Example:;I'll ask him to please keep the closet door closed because our dog likes to grab stuff out of there. He response. Well, you wouldn't have this problem if u trained him better. He leaves it open everyday. Our dog is a 1 1/2 year old lab. It's typical lab behavior for the first few years. I'm working on it but he is setting us up for failure.

5. Doesn't spend time with the kids unless I push. I have to tell him to go up and say good night he 'forgets' otherwise. This breaks my heart.


I could go on and on but these are some of the everyday things that happen. Am I over reacting? Is it something I'm doing? Opinions please. I'm having such a hrs time.
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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I can relate. I wouldn't say it's emotional abuse but rather complete lack of communication? He shuts down when he can't handle his feelings and you get angry and swallow it down? I did this for years.. I felt like i had another child. Finally I cracked and told him I was leaving. I would say you should get some counselling first to work out your issues, it will help to make you see things more clearly and how you are part of the equation. Then you can talk to him about MC. My H used to disappear all the time, he didn't even know he was disconnecting because he couldn't cope with how he felt. It's only after a year of therapy that he is just scratching the surface.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Unlike Keenwa I would call it emotional abuse. The silent treatment and leaving you on the floor is abusive and controlling. It sounds he is being willfully neglectful. Are you and your husband open to therapy?

If you are considering divorce, do you know what options you would have to take care of you and your children.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

First of all, this is not all in your head and your marriage is causing you real, needless, and wrongful suffering. 

Your husband has shut you out, and long term I think this is a form of abuse, but like most abuse it takes your cooperation to carry on. You have to be the agent of change in your life for your own happiness even if that means leaving him after you have tried IC and MC.

To be honest, I think he has an issue in dealing with marital problems in an open way and sharing any kind of intimacy with you(emotional, intellectual, casual physical) but for your part I detect that you might be raising these issues and scenarios with too much drama. Take more of a lucid behavior oriented approach and you have a chance to get a better response out of him, but I think you both would benefit from (need) counseling. 

Good Luck


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

No you are not over reacting. A person can be 'married' but still be very alone. 

I hope he will go to marriage counseling with you. 

Stonewalling is a form of abuse. And indifference to someone when they are sick is really horrible.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I used to shut down when was hurt, giving my wife a silent treatment sometimes. Not for weeks, but for a day sometimes. It was based in my own inability to deal with my pain really. It was either shut down completely, or risk covering my pain up with another emotion, anger, which I felt was dangerous. 

Therapy helped me tremendously. I no longer deal with my hurts by closing people out. 

Perhaps your husband would go to marriage counseling with you if you asked. I doubt he would go to IC, because shutting down does not lend itself to opening up to a counselor unless he gets a wake up call.

For me, my wakeup call was when she finally left. She had her part in our separation and now divorce. But when I was forced to look at myself, how isolated I had become, needing all my social, emotional, and other needs taken care of by this one person, who if she did not then live up to my expectations I might withdraw (not to punish her...but because I could not deal with myself), that I had become resentful and bitter...once I was forced to take an honest look at myself or else live in my own misery, I had to look for how to change.

The change came too late to save my marriage. But I owe my wife at least one thing through all of this: she had the courage to leave me which forced me to look at myself (well, I could have taken any number of routes...drinking, womanizing, blame, etc...so her leaving did not do this alone). Even if you leave he might never change.

But you should not be put through extended times of silence from him. He may need to withdraw at times and get his thoughts together. But silence for days and weeks is abuse. He's dealing with his own hurt by shutting you out, and by doing it for so long trying to tell you not to do it again or you could be cut out for good or much longer.

Turn the table. Cut him out if you need to. Maybe, just maybe, it will wake him up. But first, will he go to counseling?


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## onetwobucklemyshoe (May 22, 2014)

Thank you for all of the replies. I already set up an appointment to see on therapist. I start wednesday. I realize that I need to figure out me and what I need as well as how I'm contributing to our issues and why I've allowed this to go on so long. I am not going to take any drastic measures until I work on myself and find me again. I do want to state that I do love him and he had some great qualities, if he didn't I wouldn't have stuck around so long. I will attempt to get him to come with me to the therapists once I've worked on myself. I need to make sure I've done everything I can and turned over every stone before I give up on us and him. We deserve that much. I just can't see another 20 years of this so I'm going to put in the work. You all have given me a lot to think about and it's been a great help. Arendt- I really appreciate your insight. It gives me a view into what he may be thinking and feeling. It's been enlightening.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad to hear that you are going to start counseling.

In addition to the counseling, there are some good books that I think will help you .. sort of to augment the counseling. Some of them are:

"Divorce Busting"
"His Needs, Her Needs"

I don't want to make assumptions so I'm asking... how's your sex life with him? I think I now the answer.. but...


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