# Ready to leave my husband of 21yrs



## brokenmomof6 (Mar 1, 2015)

I apologize in advance as I have never posted before. I am leaving my H of 21 yrs in April. I now understand that he will never change. I don't want to make h sound evil, I put up with it out of love that he would one day see what a good & loving wife and mother I am but it's never going to happen. He completely broke my spirit after years of abuse and neglect. The last 6 have been hell on earth. He tried to manipulate our kids against me so he could continue with his APS. Destroyed my home and my oldest daughters. Would take them to her house and let her love on them but tell the kids she was a boyhood friend , ex gf from secondary school. He is a long haul truck driver and makes good money, NONE came to his home or kids. I just had my 10 month checkup and thank god the cancer is not back , I have been fighting fort life since 2011 and sick since early 2010 with cancer. I feel like I have been through war. I have been in therapy for the last 7 months.
Day was May 14 2014 he was in a serious truck accident on the 20th and from august continued his affair and still trying to gaslight and control the situation. My older kids confronted dad on all his BS and he couldn't deny any of it. I am having a real hard time here, he always says he going to change and blah blah blah blah blah. I feel guilty , I don't know why, I'm scared as hell. I am secretly moving with all my kids and are looking forward to a new environment in the home. Please I need advice, he isn't going to let this be easy. I have legal separation paperwork all ready but he is going to make this really hard with my kids and if I thought he was a nasty SOB the last 6 yrs he's gonna get worse. Please help! 
Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Divorce Assistance for Women | LIVESTRONG.COM

Here is a website for starters. I would recommend getting your life in order. Create a plan to get yourself on your feet. Create a support system around you. Cut contact with him as much as possible. Keep all texts from him as evidence. Depending on your children's age, if they are above 13,they tend to have more of a say on who they want to live with. If they need to see a therapist on how to cope with their issues, I suggest going down that route also.


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## brokenmomof6 (Mar 1, 2015)

The youngest 2 are in therapy, all are affected but couldn't watch my baby's suffer. I have secured a 4 bdrm low income apt till I really get back on my feet. There's a history of domestic violence if I need to get a RO. Just more scared than I have ever been in my life, don't know what he's gonna do.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

A lawyer could help, and seek advice from abuse centers. They can help you with an escape plan. Safety is the main concern. With a support system around you, it can help act as a barrier from your husband. Learn to detach, and act rationally from a calm manner. Emotions will throw off your ability to be rational. You need to act in a more calculated manner.


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## brokenmomof6 (Mar 1, 2015)

Thank you will be contacting on Monday morning.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

That sounds very scary. Have you made copies of everything you need and started hiding money etc?

Have you ever reported him for domestic abuse? It may help to have a record of that if you have it. 

I think you are very brave. You are doing the best thing possible for yourself and children. Good luck.


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## brokenmomof6 (Mar 1, 2015)

I have everything and there are several for DV, I have money put away and start work on Wednesday. My body is still very weak and I have bad days but being able to breath in my own place and looking forward to smiles from my kids is the path I'm walking with my kids support. I don't feel brave, my heart feels like it's going to explode here in the last week. My higher power walks with me and I'm taking my power back if it kills me. I'm done!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

That is brave. Doing what needs to be done, and putting aside your feelings to accomplish it. I wish my mother shared your bravery. No matter what, endings are hard to face, even if it is a bad marriage. Life has not gone for what you expected. Your going to have to get over your visions, plans, and let go of the man you envisioned he would be.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Courage is doing something that you know needs to be done even when you are scared. The world is full of people can't do that even when they know they really need to. 

Yes, you are brave --- very brave --- and you should be extremely proud of yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brokenmomof6 said:


> The youngest 2 are in therapy, all are affected but couldn't watch my baby's suffer. I have secured a 4 bdrm low income apt till I really get back on my feet. There's a history of domestic violence if I need to get a RO. Just more scared than I have ever been in my life, don't know what he's gonna do.


Is there a police record of the domestic violence? Or medical records of it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm posting this for you here incase it helps. You have probably done some of these things already. But hopefully there is something in this that can help you.

brokenwings952,

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to based on my own experience.

*Get a support system:*


Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling. 
Also check into legal aid in your area.
Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.
Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:
your mail from the ‘safe address’
All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account
Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.
Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 
Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 
Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 
Titles, deeds and other property information 
Medical records
Children's school and immunization records
Insurance information
Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 
Welfare identification
Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Your Exit/safety Plan: *this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 
Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.
If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 
Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 
You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you. 
If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 
Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 
Hide an extra set of car keys. 
Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 
Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 
Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 
Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 
Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 
Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.
*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship *

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 

Change your locks and phone number. 
Change your work hours and route taken to work. 
Change the route taken to transport children to school. 
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 
Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 
Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 
Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 
If you leave: 
Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 
Change your work hours, if possible. 
Alert school authorities of the situation. 
Consider changing your children's schools. 
Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 
Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 
Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 
Talk to trusted people about the violence. 
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 
Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 
Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 
Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your children?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

You are a brave woman. It's always crushing to read posts like yours. I hope you find peace and happiness

Never forget you have Value in your own right. Your Marriage and Your husband can not and will never define
You as a person. 

Good Luck and Gods speed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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