# Pretty sure it's time



## kalaslp16 (Aug 27, 2010)

I have been told several times that you "know" when your ready to file for divorce/separation.

I am hurting and not sure if I should be making such a big decision, but know this marriage is not working and/or changing like it should.

A little background:
We have been married 11 years, together 13.

Husband goes in cycles emotional affairs, married/dating websites, etc. He gets caught, says it will change, does for a while then right back. 

We have been to marriage counseling together. Things get better. Truthfully he needs to go on an individual basis. Will start, say he's fine then stops.

I suspect he suffers from PTSD from a neglectful and abusive childhood. He masked the effects well for a long time, but when they come to the surface.......good god!

He is a good father. Despite how he was raised, he is involved with our kids.

He has been a crappy husband for quite sometime. I feel emotionally alone in this marriage. Can't get past the pain. My needs haven't been met for a long time. Or he will try his damndest for a while and then stop. I do acknowledge the trying, but sometimes cannot stop the old, angry feelings.

I do not feel the need for marriage counseling again. Honestly I am emotionally exhausted.

I am taking steps to get some "ducks in a row" before I suggest, separation/divorce.

My big question is......When did you know it was time for separation/divorce? Did you waiver on your decision?


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

I knew with my ex, as soon as she cheated on me. Cheating on someone is pushing the NUKE button on your marriage. I've never known anyone that regretted getting divorced, but plenty of spouses regretting still being married to that person.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Cheating is very difficult to recover from. It's sounds very painful.

I knew it was time to walk away when I overheard him screaming, yelling and pleading with his brother to "let" him divorce me. He was trying to kick me out of the house and his brother was trying to contain the situation. I'd been subjected to humiliating scenarios like that by him before, but something broke inside of me very neatly and quietly when I heard him pleading. 

The requests for me to come back did not work. I have been trying to reconcile and asked him to move into an apartment with me (we used to live as a joint family with his mom and older siblings) but he hasn't done it, and hasn't changed...at all, actually. That's why I know it's time to file for divorce. There's a point when you know that your only choice is to tolerate what he does, or stop it by walking away.


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## kalaslp16 (Aug 27, 2010)

I am pretty sure I know that I should at least separate from him, which will eventually lead to divorce.

Although I have proof of the emotional affairs, to my knowledge nothing physical happened, which does not make it less painful.

He just proves time and time again that it will continue. Nothing ever moves forward.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

For me it has been the last couple of months. I have been thing in order to leave, I will be out in a couple of weeks. I can't handle the verbal abuse anymore, I have tried to make this work for along time, and he just does not care. I feel dead inside, the only emotions I feel are sadness that it did not work,stupid for believing his lies and not leaving sooner. 

We no longer talk unless it is a questions that needs to be asked regarding the household. I'm scared to get out there on my own, but I also know this is what I need to do.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have a good and what sounds like an objective analysis of your husband's problems. I was emotionally abused as a child and that sowed destructive seeds that grew faster as I got older. While young energy and optimism allow dysfunctional people to succeed to a certain extent. A wise poster told me that the personal issues need to be worked out in the early 30s at latest. Those who do not resolve them then are ticking bombs.... okay they may not blow up but they just continue to exhibit the dysfunctional behaviors.

Your husband is a good father because he remembers how he was mistreated and resolved not to do it to his children. 

The best thing you can do is to go to MC with your husband and explain the dilemma you face as a family. He has to take action to fix himself. You are not going to back him up. Draw up a plan for separation and divorce on one sheet of A4 paper. Call it Kalaslp's Rescue Plan. Tell him he should sit down and write his own K's Husband's rescue plan.

He will whine and talk. Tell him: "Honey, you are good man, and I loved you the best I could, but you abused my love. We need to end our marriage peacefully and work towards a new relationship as co-parents."

If he really wants to take therapy seriously, he has to set goals for himself. They have to be concrete. They have to be for him, not you. He has to work his butt off. Make him no promises.

Avoid all discussions in anger. Every time you talk about the future it has to be short and to the point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kalaslp16 said:


> I have been told several times that you "know" when your ready to file for divorce/separation.
> 
> I am hurting and not sure if I should be making such a big decision, but know this marriage is not working and/or changing like it should.
> 
> ...


I stopped reading here.

Get a legal separation and insist that he go to IC if he doesn't want to be divorced. If he refuses, move forward with divorce. 

If you won't do that, then at least do this: tell him that the INSTANT you find out about one more cheating episode, you and the kids will be gone and he'll lose everything. Tell him that you are starting a savings account to pay for your lawyer.


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