# Need opinons (LONG POST)



## scaredbutcommited (Nov 16, 2011)

Hello,
I am new to this site and this is my first post. 
Background:
My Husband and I have lived together for 4 years and have been married for 4 years. I thought we had a really great relationship. Both of us were cheated on in the past. He was cheated on twice by wife #1 and wife #2. We are both sensitive to the subject of cheating.
We have 8 kids from or previous marriages and have been busy blending a family for the past 8 years.
I love my husband and do not want to end my marriage.
Events that lead to this post:
Husband and I had a Facebook page together. We posted rarely and mostly to the kids.
Last year I separated our pages so we caould both have a page of our own and thought it would be fun to post back and forth. (BAD IDEA)
Husband was "reconnecting" with an old girlfriend ( now married). He told me about it and I thought it was fine. It was 30 years ago, she's married and I am not a jealous person. All at once he started hiding things from me. I found a long post with alot of sexual overtones to her and she responded. They posted back and forth on chat all cutsie and flirty. I confronted him about this in a letter and he responded to me very defensively stating, "I am not cheating" He states to me that "You can't control who I talk to and who I am friends with" I told him that I was hurt and felt betrayed AND that I knew he had not PHYSICALLY cheated with her but had flirted with her, hurt me and I was uncomfortable with the relationship. We went to counseling. I wanted him to delete her as a friend and not have contact with her. I told him that " I feel like the relationship with her is more important to you than our marriage". He refused to delete her and has continued to have contact with her.
Now:
Since this time I have found. 
Text messages one time back and forth, but he deleted them.
He posted a couple of random things on her FB wall.
Today, however, I found that he had downloaded 5 pictures from her FB wall and copied them to paper. He hid them in his company car. I also found hidden pictues of the Ex-wife he claims to HATE because of her cheating.
I am very confused by all of this. He is VERY defensive when confronted with this becoming angry with me for invading his privacy. I don't want to be stupid or ignorant. 
What are my options ???
I can confront him about the pictures OR not
I want to talk to him but he tends to become so defensive we can't have a calm conversation.
I want to attend couseling but I don't feel like he will respond to it. 
When I have confronted him in the past with this he just becomes more secretive.
I need help !!!!!!!
Please respond......I am DESPERATE


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

My first question . . . are you absolutely sure his ex-wives are the ones that cheated? If he was the cheating spouse, he might've re-written the marital history to seem like he was the victim. From what I've read on the threads it is not an unheard of practice. Serial cheaters are skilled liars, so unless you've heard he was the LS from reliable sources other than your H, keep the other scenario in mind.

Next, do not doubt your gut and instincts. He is in an EA for sure and who knows if it's gone PA. His defensivness is very telling and you should keep digging while taking steps to protect yourself and move forward alone if need be. His coldness to your feelings regarding this matter has me seriously doubting his honesty about him being the LS in the past. Hard to imagine going through this side of the betrayal twice, then knowingly inflict that kind of pain onto someone you love.


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## scaredbutcommited (Nov 16, 2011)

Yes, there is proof of his ex-wives infidelity. I am really having a hard time with the Pictures that he has downloaded and hidden. He told her in the letter that she is "beautiful" and "hot", I find this distasteful. Very disturbing. One of the pictures has her husband in it. I wonder when I should confront him with this information.
He also has her as a contact in his cell phone. I watch that closely but they have had no contact via that cell phone.


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## scaredbutcommited (Nov 16, 2011)

Thank you for the posts they really help. I would like someone's opinion on the hiding of the pictures in his car. Does this mean something ???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Of course it means something!

When people hide things, it's because they don't want them to be found.

Duh.

Him downloading her pics to his phone (5, at that) is both creepy and tripe. 

You already know what the score is. 

So what are you going to do?

I'll highlight the golden nuggets for you so you can see for yourself.

Oh and nearly everything you wrote--my exH did when he cheated on me. It took a year and a half before I found out the full truth. Maybe your husband is his twin? 



scaredbutcommited said:


> *Husband was "reconnecting" with an old girlfriend* ( now married). He told me about it and I thought it was fine. It was 30 years ago, she's married and I am not a jealous person. All *at once he started hiding things from me. I found a long post with alot of sexual overtones to her and she responded. They posted back and forth on chat all cutsie and flirty.* *I confronted him about this in a letter and he responded to me very defensively stating, "I am not cheating" He states to me that "You can't control who I talk to and who I am friends wit*h" I told him that I was hurt and felt betrayed AND that I knew he had not PHYSICALLY cheated with her but had flirted with her, hurt me and I was uncomfortable with the relationship. We went to counseling. I wanted him to delete her as a friend and not have contact with her. I told him that " I feel like the relationship with her is more important to you than our marriage". *He refused to delete her and has continued to have contact with her.*Now:
> Since this time I have found.
> *Text messages one time back and forth, but he deleted them.*He posted a couple of random things on her FB wall.
> Today, however, *I found that he had downloaded 5 pictures from her FB wall and copied them to paper. He hid them in his company car.* I also found hidden pictues of the Ex-wife he claims to HATE because of her cheating.
> ...


He's is playing you. And maybe they haven't met or had sex but it's at minimum a very inappropriate relationship.

That's it. You know this but you are choosin gnot to believe it (why, I don't know).

Copy/paste the messages/flirty things he sent to her and email her husband w/ these things. Do this w/o any warning to your husband or her. Out them and the affair. Then watch it shrivel up like a ****roach.


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## scaredbutcommited (Nov 16, 2011)

How do I start to deal with all of this when my DH won't even admit to the affair ?!?!
I am feeling like I want to explode !!!


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

scaredbutcommited said:


> How do I start to deal with all of this when my DH won't even admit to the affair ?!?!
> I am feeling like I want to explode !!!


How do you deal with this when he wont admit? OMG him admitting is not a requirement for you to act! Chances are he wont admit as long as he knows you must have him do so before you act! Wake up! Act now! He is having an affair! He is disrespecting you! Follow the 180 advice, nip it in the bud! GO GIRL! Dont be a doormat!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

scaredbutcommited said:


> How do I start to deal with all of this when my DH won't even admit to the affair ?!?!
> I am feeling like I want to explode !!!


Like this...



Jellybeans said:


> Copy/paste the messages/flirty things he sent to her and email her husband w/ these things. Do this w/o any warning to your husband or her. Out them and the affair. Then watch it shrivel up like a ****roach.


If it`s all as innocent as he says this shouldn`t cause any problems for anyone.

Expose this **** to his affair partners SO and watch the fireworks.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

Does the 180 rule work long term? I can see how at least it can get someone on the right track for preparing to be independent again, but what about how the other person responds long term?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Full blown Emotional Affair. The typical "facebook helps reconnect old lovers" situation. Extremely similar to my fWWs EA. My fWW too also tried to deny cheating. I told her that just because she hadn't banged him yet doesn't mean it's not cheating. For many, having an EA isn't cheating. But the reality is that it's as bad or even worse than a PA because of the deep feelings involved.

Okay, so OW is married, and your WH refuses to admit the EA and also refuses to go NC. It's time to expose the EA to the OWH. He has a right to know what his WW is doing with your WH, and he can help end the EA from his end. However, DO NOT give your WH any idea that you're going to expose the EA. That will give him a chance to warn her and try to intercept any communications or spin the story about you being crazy and jealous and just out to ruin their marriage. 

Like others said, do the 180 and prepare for D if he doesn't stop the EA and go NC. The trouble is, you will have to verify he is NC with the OW, and you can only do this by monitoring him thru the use of keyloggers and VARs. You see no contact on that cell phone because he might have a secret cell phone. Those are easy enough to by practically anywhere. Do some investigating and find out the OWH info, then expose by telling the OWH that you have proof and will provide it.


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

Is there a guide somewhere for all of these abbreviations? For us newbies it is hard to follow them all at times. I mean FWW EA PA OW OWH WW WH . I mean OMG .... WTF....!!!!! : )


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hopingitworksout said:


> Is there a guide somewhere for all of these abbreviations? For us newbies it is hard to follow them all at times. I mean FWW EA PA OW OWH WW WH . I mean OMG .... WTF....!!!!! : )


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-2.html

We bump the thread up once in a while and some have the thread in their signatures. List of Acronyms of Infidelity so the newbies can follow the infidelity lingo here.

WW = Wayward Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WS = Wayward Spouse
BH = Betrayed Husband
BW = Betrayed Wife
BS = Betrayed Spouse
LS = Loyal Spouse
DW = Disloyal Wife
DH = Disloyal Husband
DS = Disloyal Spouse
fWW = Former Wayward Wife
fWH = Former Wayward Husband
fWS = Former Wayward Spouse
OM = Other Man
OW = Other Woman
OMW = Other Man’s Wife
OWH = Other Woman’s Husband
AP = Affair Partner
R = Reconciliation
D = Divorce
DDay = Discovery Day
STBXH = Soon To Be Ex Husband
STBXW = Soon To Be Ex Wife
ILYBINILWY = I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair
A = Affair
KISA = Knight In Shining Armor
VAR = Voice Activated Recorder
TT = Trickle Truth 
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad


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