# old comment made by dh's best friend



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I met dh's best friend before dh did. I met him a year before my dh moved to the area.

They have since been friends for 30 years. Best men in one another's wedding, etc. In many ways a good guy.

Friend is married to a wonderful woman (9/10 from a woman's point of view - and I'm not into women, lol)

20 years ago friend told my dh "Let's make a deal. If you cheat, I'll never tell. I'll deny it. You do the same for me".

Dh told his friend ," Wife is a friend of our's, and I'll tell her. So don't ever tell me because I'll tell her." He also said he wouldn't cheat on me, so he'd have nothing to tell friend.

Over the years the comment has been on the backburner. I don't know if this was a drunker "feeler" in younger years, or if friend cheats on his wife. If he does, he's an utter and complete fool.

Do many men have this agreement? I don't think my husband cheated and actually have come a long way during 6 weeks of therapy.

My question is, what kind of tool says this kind of thing? He's very well off. Wife doesn't work. 

I have no evidence of him cheating on her, although he vacations with other guys at least a month a year (he's not gay).

Is this a case of say nothing? An arrangement, so to speak? Would you ever let her know what dh said?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its a very off thing to say, but please dont worry about it as your husband said he wouldn't be part of this agreement. .


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

snowbum said:


> .....20 years ago friend told my dh "Let's make a deal. If you cheat, I'll never tell. I'll deny it. You do the same for me".
> 
> .....Do many men have this agreement?
> 
> ...


Based on my experience, I have never heard of such a "deal" among those I know.

Would such a promise be unthinkable among a couple of single frat boys in college? Not at all. I would hope they would grow out of such nonsense when they matured, fell deeply in love and started families. 

To answer direct question of what kind of fool/tool: someone who is really immature and lacks ethics.

Is this a case of saying nothing? Because it was said 20 years ago and you have no knowledge of his cheating, I would say give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he has matured to the point that he doesn't think like that again. In short say nothing to his wife. By the way, congratulate your husband for what he did. And while you are at it, focus your attention on your husband not his friend.

Good luck.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

No, not a normal agreement for guys -- at least this one.
I'm of his idea -- if you cheat, you better not tell me. A) because I will tear you a new one and B) I WILL either tell or make you tell.....


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

I would never accept a deal like that one.
My friends know who I am, wouldn´t ask for it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

snowbum said:


> Do many men have this agreement?


No idea. But if my ride or die homies were cheating I would tell them it’s a bad idea and stupid and would think less of them but I wouldn’t rat.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I spent many of my younger years around cops and firemen.

The amount of cheating - and covering for each other's behinds - was astronomical.

ASTRONOMICAL.

I don't think they even had to make these 'official' agreements with each other. It was already a given amongst them all.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

What was the context of the conversation? Were they drunk talking sh*t or being obnoxious making stupid jokes? Or were they serious talking like "bro, I have your back!"?

My husband and his friends talk sh*t like, "I'm ready to trade my wife for a younger model" or "I'm gonna trade her for 2 20 something's" when drunk. I just roll my eyes and laugh because I know they are being drunk and stupid. 

My husband also goes on trip with his buddies. I know I have nothing to worry about because they are good men, hardworking, responsible, loyal. They just get obnoxious when drunk.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I've never heard of anyone making any kind of deal like that preemptively. Most of my friends are science nerds and members of the physics club t(figuratively speaking) hat were lucky to get with one chick so the thought of ever getting with anyone else probably never crossed their minds. 

If he was serious and not just joking around, that is pretty boarish and cadish. 

That being said, there is a whole lot of looking the other way going on in the world and I would be willing to bet that most WS's do have coconspirators and enablers. 

I knew a gal that doctored her work schedule so that her H would think she was at work and had her coworkers tell her H that she was "busy" and would have her call him back when she was with the OM.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I would definitely agree the that deal. Then when he told me he cheated I would immediately tell his wife.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't think they even had to make these 'official' agreements with each other. It was already a given amongst them all.


Sad, isn´t it?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I would definitely agree the that deal. Then when he told me he cheated I would immediately tell his wife.


I would not have the chance to be told that it it happened.
I would not stay friend with someone, man or woman, after the offer of such deal.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> What was the context of the conversation? Were they drunk talking sh*t or being obnoxious making stupid jokes? Or were they serious talking like "bro, I have your back!"?
> 
> My husband and his friends talk sh*t like, "I'm ready to trade my wife for a younger model" or "I'm gonna trade her for 2 20 something's" when drunk. I just roll my eyes and laugh because I know they are being drunk and stupid.
> 
> My husband also goes on trip with his buddies. I know I have nothing to worry about because they are good men, hardworking, responsible, loyal. They just get obnoxious when drunk.


In vino veritas may not always verify.
But it may.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Don't have cheater friends...if I found out they would no longer be friends. I think it is easy to figure out who would tolerate it and who would not.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

ElOtro said:


> In vino veritas may not always verify.
> But it may.


Yep. It's important the context though. I'm not going to stop my husband from wanting a younger model.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't listen to any man.

It's all true and much bigger than you realize.

We are all given secret instructions during our formative years and it's a misogynistic pact between all men everywhere!

I've just broken rank! I will probably disappear soon and it will all be covered up.

The bro code is all powerful!!!😉😋


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ElOtro said:


> Sad, isn´t it?


First responders and medical personnel are rife with infidelity and promiscuity.

Women just as much or at least when I was one.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> First responders and medical personnel are rife with infidelity and promiscuity.
> 
> Women just as much or at least when I was one.


I know of more female cheaters in my days, by a margin.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So as I said this happened when we were in our late 20's. I'm sure there was some drinking, but it wasn't a joke. To this day dh says he remembers and was floored that his friend said "just so you know if you cheat I'll mever tell, and you do the same." Dh told me that night. He said his response was "If you cheat I'm telling so you better not tell me, and I'm not giving you cover." He said it was never discussed again, nor did he agree to a "deal".

I never saw his friend in the same way again. I suspect he cheated, just from things I've seen. We don't see him often. Maybe 3-4 times a year.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Yep. It's important the context though. I'm not going to stop my husband from wanting a younger model.


Context is important, yes. To a certain point I gess.
On the second part.
In my sixties I was too much in love with an attractive and interesting lady who was almost two years older than me to even look at younger ones. So can´t say a lot about.
And about celebs, believe me, at least the one I was once long ago married to, are not such a prize.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> First responders...


Sorry if my poor English, not the language spoken here, prevents me on following what you mean with this. 



ConanHub said:


> Women just as much


As much


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ElOtro said:


> Sorry if my poor English, not the language spoken here, prevents me on following what you mean with this.
> 
> 
> As much


First responders are emergency medical personnel like firefighters, EMT's and paramedics and police officers. Even medical personnel in emergency rooms and any who deal with life and death trauma situations are included.

They experience very high stress and become very close to each other as a result and it often crosses the line.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> First responders are emergency medical personnel like firefighters, EMT's and paramedics and police officers. Even medical personnel in emergency rooms and any who deal with life and death trauma situations are included.
> 
> They experience very high stress and become very close to each other as a result and it often crosses the line.


Thak you so much.
True, I´ve seen this happen.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I spent many of my younger years around cops and firemen.
> 
> The amount of cheating - and covering for each other's behinds - was astronomical.
> 
> ...


It's like corporate teams that travel together extensively promoting or supporting companies' on the world stage if you will. 

There are basically two groups. Those that will cheat and those that cover, and the other which is the non cheaters that do go to all the functions but aren't in the unspoken I'll cover club.

Spoken or not these scenarios are very real, every company with large presence has them.

When I first got out of college and joined the traveling company men and women it was conveyed that a person always picks a side. Every company this is the same, I traveled heavily for many years. 

I was a non cheater side btw.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I’ve never heard of any such agreements and think that situations where the guy is CLOSE friends with the couple, that most guys would be like don’t tell me about it because I share everything with my wife. Now if the potential BW is only an acquaintance, then the guy my just admonish his friend not to do it but would likely keep the secret.

Young guys will talk trash but rarely are the type to pursue such things. It really is not the majority of men that are out there committing adultery. You have a significant minority of men that are serial cheaters. These guys are very successful with women.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jsmart said:


> I’ve never heard of any such agreements and think that situations where the guy is CLOSE friends with the couple, that most guys would be like don’t tell me about it because I share everything with my wife. Now if the potential BW is only an acquaintance, then the guy my just admonish his friend not to do it but would likely keep the secret.
> 
> Young guys will talk trash but rarely are the type to pursue such things. It really is not the majority of men that are out there committing adultery. You have a significant minority of men that are serial cheaters. These guys are very successful with women.


We live in different worlds I suppose. With high visibility high stress traveling jobs where one may be at top destination hotels domestic and international for 30 weeks or more a year the steady party is rampant. 

I'm not saying all men or all women cheat, far from it but the environment in certain industries is consistent and predictable.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Men in sales tend to be the type of guys that fall into the significant minority of men I’m referring to. These men have the gift of gab and the cocky confidence required in sales. These are the main things needed to be successful with women too. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read WW’s threads in which these women know the guy she’s betraying her husband for is sleazy and not the man her BH is but, like a crack addict, their always chasing after the ego kibbles these type of men smartly dole out to their side pieces.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm not saying all men or all women cheat, far from it but the environment in certain industries is consistent and predictable.


Not because my own activity but cos other reasons, I once knew quite well the enviroment of performing artists (specially singers and musicians).
True, not everyone cheated.
But for a lot of them their travelling through concert had a certain "climate" of .....predictablility.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

It's well understood that when it comes to guys, sexual escapades that are witnessed or known about, it's taken to the grave....I'd say the only exception would be if a guy in a group was banging another guy in that groups wife/gf...And even then, they wouldn't tell the women anything, they would more than likely tell the guy(who's wife is getting banged, and let him handle it, or possibly tell the offender to back off..

That type of bro code is probably #1 on the list...I've never witnessed or heard of a break in all the years and many instances.. It's just something that most guys just will not violate under any conditions.......


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> It's well understood that when it comes to guys, sexual escapades that are witnessed or known about, it's taken to the grave....I'd say the only exception would be if a guy in a group was banging another guy in that groups wife/gf...And even then, they wouldn't tell the women anything, they would more than likely tell the guy(who's wife is getting banged, and let him handle it, or possibly tell the offender to back off..
> 
> That type of bro code is probably #1 on the list...I've never witnessed or heard of a break in all the years and many instances.. It's just something that most guys just will not violate under any conditions.......


That's freaking sad. What a bunch of hypocrites. So I have this correct: a man should know his wife's cheating, but God forbid anyone think about the wife? That is some ****ed up sexist ****. The man has more value and should be given the truth and tools to make decisions, but aid and abeit lying to the wife?

May I ask why you feel women are less worthy of men? and don't give me sexual needs/wired bs. Are you married? Did you cheat?

I know that my husband would tell the wife. His kids are family to us and we respect his wife. No, there is nothing going on with the wife. My husband sincerely feels that you don't **** on people and lie about it. That' s why he said "if you act like that, you better never tell me about it. I better never know." My husband also did tell my female friend that her husband was a douche and was screwing around on her. They got and annulment and my husband was asked to be a witness. So not all guys lie.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

snowbum said:


> That's freaking sad. What a bunch of hypocrites. So I have this correct: a man should know his wife's cheating, but God forbid anyone think about the wife? That is some **ed up sexist **. The man has more value and should be given the truth and tools to make decisions, but aid and abeit lying to the wife?
> 
> May I ask why you feel women are less worthy of men? and don't give me sexual needs/wired bs. Are you married? Did you cheat?


FYI, this is just something I have noticed about male behavior, it has nothing to do with my opinion or value of women, nor my own personal experiences...And other male posters have echoed the same sentiment...Don't be so dramatic...lol..

But the simple answer is, it's not my job to be the Infidelity/Casual Sex Police... If your husband wants to wear that hat, then good for him.,...(shrug)


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> FYI, this is just something I have noticed about male behavior, it has nothing to do with my opinion or value of women, nor my own personal experiences...And other male posters have echoed the same sentiment...Don't be so dramatic...lol..
> 
> But the simple answer is, it's not my job to be the Infidelity/Casual Sex Police... If your husband wants to wear that hat, then good for him.,...(shrug)


I guess I didn' t read that this wasn't your feeling/belief.

Furthermore, I do feel that when someone is a close lifelong friend of both parties, someone should inform the party that is being cheated on. That's human decency. Will the person "casually banging" be happy? of course not. But people with families are obligated to think of people other than themselves.


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