# Sex after Child birth



## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

Question for those who've had children...

How long after having children did you WANT to have sex? Like your body actually desired it? If so, did you breast feed?

My wife and I are going on almost a year now after she's given birth to our awesome son, and she says that she has 0 physical drive for sex right now...she says it's driving her crazy, and that she doesn't understand it. She thinks it's related to her breastfeeding our son still, but the problems don't stop there. If we have sex, she gets what she describes as an awful pressure in her lower abdomen area, and by the look on her face it looks painful. Her vagina also has something, that I assume is related to when the doctors cut it during delivery, where when we also have sex that it's a bit painful as well...I've asked her repeatedly to go and talk to her doctor about it, and she has early on, and they just said that's normal...I say that's a bunch of crap. I think she needs another opinion, but before so, I want to see what any of you have experienced....

Thanks.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I wanted sex right after I was clean. 

I couldn't breast feed my son, I had no milk. 

But my story is usually different. 

A lot of women can't have much sex before they give birth to their babies, I had sex regularly, and to the night before my son was born.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I've had two pregnancies and was able to resume having sex after five to six weeks after delivery. There was never a change in sex drive. I was also breastfeeding (including a set of twins). Your wife really needs to consult her doctor if she is having pain. I realize birth control can be an obstacle for a nursing mother as well. Could your wife have a fear of becoming pregnant again? Is she taking any medication which could be causing problems?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I had several pregnancies and although I did not have the pain/pressure issues I did suffer from loss of desire. 

However, my daughter did suffer from some pain after her first baby. She found using lubrication and trying different positions helped. But the pain only lasted a couple of months. 

A year is a long time for this to be going on with your wife. I do not believe it is normal and she really needs to go back to the doctor and be very specific about what she is feeling and where it is painful. Don't let the doctors brush her off. She needs to insist on getting some answers and help.

Birth control pills can affect desire levels. The doctors will tell you that is not the case but is is. 

Having a baby wrecks havoc with a woman's body and hormones and emotions. You both need to work together to find solutions so that you can maintain a healthy and satisfactory sexual relationship for both of you. Just read all the threads on this site about men and women who's marriages are suffering because of the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriages.

I hope you are able to find the answers and help you need. Keep trying until you do.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Wut2Do said:


> Question for those who've had children...
> 
> How long after having children did you WANT to have sex? Like your body actually desired it? If so, did you breast feed?


It was a pretty long time. I was faking it till I could make it for quite a while. I can't remember how quite a while was. But it was long enough that I began to despair it ever returning. Sex at that time was very gentle lovemaking, lots of eye contact, gentle clit stim... Not the borderline kinky romps we have now. That helped.


> My wife and I are going on almost a year now after she's given birth to our awesome son, and she says that she has 0 physical drive for sex right now...she says it's driving her crazy, and that she doesn't understand it. She thinks it's related to her breastfeeding our son still, but the problems don't stop there. If we have sex, she gets what she describes as an awful pressure in her lower abdomen area, and by the look on her face it looks painful. Her vagina also has something, that I assume is related to when the doctors cut it during delivery, where when we also have sex that it's a bit painful as well...


I tore to the highest measurement that they had. It continued to feel uncomfortable for quite some time. LOTS of lube helps. Lower abdomen does not sound right. Can she see her doc and describe that?



> I've asked her repeatedly to go and talk to her doctor about it, and she has early on, and they just said that's normal...I say that's a bunch of crap. I think she needs another opinion, but before so, I want to see what any of you have experienced....
> 
> Thanks.


The vaginal discomfort took quite a while to go away for me. Part of it, FOR ME, was mental. I feared it, so I expected it. I think I may have even MADE it. 

The lower abdominal pain sounds wrong to me. I would at least TRY a second opinion. A year later may get a different attention that early on.

Good luck.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Another thing - very important! Research Kegel exercises. Doing these will help her to regain her vaginal muscles along with strengthening her pelvic floor area. In fact you should be doing them to! It will help as you get older. lol


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wut2Do said:


> ..she says it's driving her crazy, and that she doesn't understand it. She thinks it's related to her breastfeeding our son still


 Let me just say - I do not know what the other problem is - pain down below, but the lack of desire, this is definitely hormonal in nature>>> when mothers breastfeed, they are producing prolactin levels 10 times higher than normal - and this inhibits sexual desire. Lots of married couples do not know this, I learned this from reading a book about hormones. Breastfeeding and Low Sex Drive - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com

I never breastfed. For me, my desire was back within 2 weeks, I never wanted to wait or listened to the obgyn to refrain for 6 weeks - I had all C-sections though.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my first i was scarred to have sex...i think we waited 2 months, we both had issues about birth.

as the years went on i wanted to after the first week no breast feeding. sex was still waited for until 6 weeks.

but with the last preg i think we still waited 2 months for sex...i dont remember to much from the first year... no we had sex within the first week or so. i had a c-section.

but for me last time i had changed and did not want to be touched or anything, so i did things anyways, i was scarred of use it or lose it, so i wuld go through the motions, and fake it big time. but it came back all the desire, and wanting for sex and needing closeness. 

i cant really say for sure what happened, i dont remember much, but i know i didnt want my h to touch me or have sex with me or anything. but i did before kids, so i womened up took a big girl pill, and did it anyways. fake it till you make it, iif you dont use it you loose it. two things i always kept in mind. i was scarred of him never having sex with me again, and even if he didnt leave, we would never be the same...

so i just did it, what he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted...i would eventually feel it again...

i did, we did, and its back to normal, and we are happier for it.


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

I really appreciate hearing all of the comments and suggestions from everyone. It's been particularly challenging due to severe back pain and abdominal pain that my wife's been having for a while now...the doctors swear nothing's wrong with her. We're getting a new doctor and looking at getting an MRI done. I think she either has some crazy ovarian cysts or some form of endometriosis....

But yes...I really hope that we can get our sex life back to normal somewhat, as the current state of things leaves me quite depressed and feeling very disconnected with my wife...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Now that you mention severe back pain, I have another question. Did your wife have an epidural? I know of some people who had chronic back pain years after getting them. That's the main reason, I refused to have them.


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

actually...she tried having an epidural, but it wasn't effective...she says that it worked only for half of her body...and they didn't have time to adjust it...she delivered our son in approx. 1 1/2 hours after her water broke at home. I honestly never even thought of the epidural...to think that she still felt everything during the birth and had an epidural really actually is the worst part....

But I still wonder if that would explain the pressure she has after having sex in her lower abdomen?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's what I'm thinking about that also. I remember my estranged husband and one of his colleagues discussing that years ago. The other pharmacist said he talked his wife out of epidurals also. He had seen patients with chronic back problems afterwards also. I'm guessing on this because I know much of the medical profession will be in denial on this one, but.....maybe consult a chiropractor or acupuncturist.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

I dont remember how long it took but it was weeks. I never made it to my 6 weekcheck up without having had sex. I couldnt wait, and I had Csections with each. I *might* have waited a month. I breastfed all of them. All that tighness and achyness made me even more horny


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm seriously thinking that I'm beginning to really lose my mind...

I would say that now after reading many of your posts that I don't honestly know if my wife's current issues will ever resolve themselves. I haven't had even remotely close to what I consider sex in over a year...yeah we've had intercourse...but not sex, if you get my point. 

She has pains during sex, which she attributes to many things. She's taken nearly forever to get them looked at, and somehow I feel as if she doesn't want certain issues resolved...she says she does, but honestly...actions speak louder than words. I have to literally beg for any type of REAL physical contact, to the point where now, I don't even try to anymore...I'm really done trying.

I feel depressed and lonely. I feel disconnected from her and in a permanent holding pattern with no end in sight. If it wasn't for the distraction of me going to school full time (2 more semester left and then I'm done!) and owning my own business (completely flexible, making awesome money), that I would be even more frustrated right now. I've honestly done everything that I can for this woman. 

Yes I know that our son is a handful sometimes, but I can't accept that as an excuse. I don't complain when I'm literally working my butt off non stop from 5am until usually 7-8pm at night with no breaks, and then have to study until late at night sometimes to get good grades and get my business done. I've done this now since about Summer 2009. 

I've tried talking to her about my problems, but she somehow turns them around and acts like her pains/sufferings are to blame and that they'll go away, and that they're not her fault. They may not have initially been her fault, but the continuation of them has been. I honestly don't see them going away happening though. I'm almost at the point of not caring anymore...yes we have a son together, but our marriage is about more than just him. 

Sorry for the rant...I'm just have no freaking clue what I should do....


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I feel for you. I watched a show on MTV yesterday called True Life: I can't have sex

It was about women who suffer from medical orders that cause them serious pain during sex. Several of the women did two kinds of therapy to help over come their issues, counseling and physical therapy. The partners were brought in and taught how to make them feel comfortable and stretch them out with foreplay to make sex less painful. You two may look into that kind of counseling.

Sex is very important to a healthy marriage and it's something that should be made time for from both partners. Don't make yourself feel guilty for wanting to intimate with your wife.

Also wanted to add that I BF'd both our kids. With my son, who was born first it took about 6 months to come back but I think that was more mental for me. Being a new mom was scary and exciting and like a new relationship and I didn't know how to fit a 3rd person into that. With my daughter it came back within a few weeks. I wanted sex before I had healed  But I also think I had learned to balance things better.


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## three little monkeys (Oct 16, 2010)

Wut2Do - I feel your pain. My wife has extended breastfed all of our children and she does not start ovulating for a very long time because of it. No ovulating for her means no sexual feelings and very uncomfortable sex. Granted this could also be due to fatigue from night time feedings and producing milk. It was almost two years before she started cycling after our first and then she got pregnant almost immediatlely with our second. She rebounded a little quicker that time and started cycling after about a year and a half. Guess what? She got pregnant again shortly after that. Our youngest is almost a year and I think the current plan is to try to start weaning him soon despite my wife's strong feelings about breastfeeding.
It has been very difficult and the lack of sex and sexual feelings from her have caused such incredible frustration with me. The pressure to engage in physical intimacy in a sleep deprived woman with little to no sexual feelings that seems to feel pain if I even think of having sex with her has caused frustration to my wife.
It has not been easy and intercourse has truly been out of the equation completely since this baby. Even any manual stimulation from her has been few and far between.
She is more sexual when pregnant but not her normal self.
All that I can say is, try to be patient and ask for some manual release from her. It isn't going to make her feel any better if you insist on intercourse if she is hurting during and after for days. That is just going to lead to resentment. I know that you probably have a good deal of resentment and it may even turn ugly sometimes. I've been there and I know that it is so difficult when it feels like you are so sexually incompatible and you feel rejected, neglected and ignored.
But if my experience is any evidence her feelings will return when she starts ovulating again. We just happened to get pregnant again each time. Our first was planned our second and third, not so much. But when she started cycling again her sexual nature returned. I miss that aspect of her so much while it is gone but we both know that breast feeding is the best thing for the kids. The biggest argument is how long does she need to breast feed? I'm making a strong argument on this one to start weaning at a year so that I can have my wife back sooner.
Good luck and hang in there.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

We waited two weeks with all three but something with the hormones made me horny which I guess is not the norm, it faded after about 8 weeks post pregnancy and my libido went back to normal for me. I did breast feed all three children as well for 18 months. I know the doctors tell you to wait 6 weeks till your post delivery appointment to have sex because the cervix can take that long to close.

I also know that a woman's body should be 100% back to normal after one year. I'm sure this is not the case if they're still breast feeding.

Did she ever have an appointment with her OBGYN and talk about her current feelings in regards to sex? He/She might be able to guide her with possible solutions.

Also, have you spoken to her and been honest about how lonely and disconnected you feel from her? Told her that you understand she is in Mommy mode but you are feeling neglected and it's effecting your relationship with her? If you approach her openly and honestly, perhaps she'll be willing to address the issues and you can build up your relationship as partners again.

I know many women do get stuck in Mommy mode. I was guilty of this too and there were times I faked it to basically service my husband when our kids were babies. It's a difficult balance. It's hard to feel attractive and sexual when you have spit up on you and changed five crappy diapers if you know what I'm saying...


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Wut2Do said:


> If we have sex, she gets what she describes as an awful pressure in her lower abdomen area, and by the look on her face it looks painful.


 Have her consult with her ob/gyn and make sure she sees a gastroenterologist, not just her primary doctor.
Sounds like diastasis and/or an abdominal hernia that she has "gotten used to" dealing with, the last thing on her mind will thoughts of sex, knowing the pain can return at any moment.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I am so sad for both you and your wife. Nobody talks about the strain a child brings to a marriage, both physically and emotionally.
I strongly suspect that being a parent, especially of young children, is not the blessing people delude themselves, into thinking it is.
You are a loving and devoted man, for going without sex for so long. Sex is extremely important in a marriage.
Ask your wife to go to the doctor for her pain. Offer to go with her and politely express your yearnings to have a passionate marriage again.
If she is not willing to see a doctor and rekindle your romantic relationship, I would suggest marriage counseling.You have needs that have to be met too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wut2Do (Oct 17, 2010)

Thanks again for all the comments...and support...

We got an MRI done last week. We're still waiting to hear the results from our doctor...

The fact still remains though, that our sex life is literally non-existent...which really makes our relationship very hard. I know that my wife really wants things to be normal, but they're not, and I know talking about them with her only makes her more upset (what a friggin' conundrum to be in i swear). There are definitely some days where I just want to go outside and scream...

At least my school semester is over, so I can focus on work and them only. I have a vacation planned for us to give us a small break from the normality in life, and to get us out of town.

Obviously the holiday season makes things more stressful than they should be as well.

@Mrs. G - That is seriously an understatement. I love my son more than anything but the stress and pressure that having children put on a relationship are honestly more than anything I could have imagined. 

My wife is now talking about how she would like to have another child in the next 3-4 years, and I can honestly say, while I would like my son to have a sibling, I can't say that I want to do it. Going through everything that we've dealt with, why would I want to inflict that kind of struggle and punishment on us again. I honestly don't want to go through it again. I know that our stances on having another child will only drive us further apart, since we really feel so differently about it now. I would have said I wanted two children 5 years ago, but now after going through just one, a second one makes my heard hurt at the thought of doing it.


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