# How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man



## Lisa2marie (Oct 29, 2014)

Ok so my husband has had a fantasy of watching me have sex with another guy for years now. A long time ago we did have a threesome with a mutual friend, I felt guilty after the incident, and after that we didn't do it again. Well this past year life had got in the way and we had a boring sex life and I remembered how happy and exciting things were after that one night so I decided if he brought up the subject again I would bite. Well he brought it up and I said I would be open to talking about it and possibly trying it. Needless to say he was excited. So I started reading more about it and I discovered that there were names for this fantasy/fetish called Cuckold and hotwife. We started off going to a swinger party and then joining a website. I warmed up to the idea for a few reasons #1 it sounded hot, two men all over me, #2my husband seemed to be so in love with me. Well I found a guy that seemed "my type" we met a few times, then it "happened". Well the guy seemed perfect, he was good looking, fun, charming but the sexual part I hated, he was really rough I mean not in a hurtful way just very "fast" and not romantic at all. I know that seems weird but I am a lady and regardless of the situation I still wanted that passion. Well after that my husband was obsessed! He fell in love with this new lifestyle but I didn't. It consumed our daily life our sex life and we went to a few more parties and I just couldn't get into it. Actually the last party I ended up crying in a corner because I felt bad that I couldn't do this for my husband. He felt bad and we left and he apologized for upsetting me just for his own pleasure. He says he will not bother me about it again but I know how happy this makes him. Well things were good for us sexually for a while but the last week or so he has been hinting little things like for example tonight he text me from work and said I want to talk dirty to you but I'm trying to be good. So I say well talk dirty to me then and he says I can't because I don't want to upset you I'm trying to change. So I say is that the only dirty way to talk to me. He said it the only thing that comes to mind. So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, you have found out why most couples cannot do this. It destroys marriages.

My suggestion is that you find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. And you get him to go to see with counselor with you. Your marriage is in serious trouble. And you are in serious trouble if you start once again doing something that does not jive with who you are.


----------



## Lisa2marie (Oct 29, 2014)

I agree. I've actually found a therapist in our area that I'm gonna give a try. We have to good of a marriage to screw up. We really are best friends. It's just so confusing that whole "lifestyle" I mean I do see the appeal, it's fun, sexy,exciting and kinda taboo. But it got to where we couldn't have sex without him talking about it or bringing it up. I felt like it took over. I feel like will he ever just want me without having to bring that up? I know he says he will just forget it and not bring it up again because he loves me to much, while I appreciate that but I just can't help but wonder every time we make love is he picturing me with another man.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That would be very hard to live with. 

We've had other people post here with similar situations. They never seem to end well. I know some people can do this and keep a marriage going. But most cannot.

Part of what I'm getting is that you are feeling used. To please your husband you have to perform with another man. But you are not really into the sex with the other guy. So it's become distasteful to you.

So your husband wants you to cater to this fetish of his. But he's losing sight of the fact that as your husband our comfort and please is supposed to be his main goal.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> We've had other people post here with similar situations. They never seem to end well. I know some people can do this and keep a marriage going. But most cannot.


Actually the few statistical studies done on this show that the divorce rate amongst swingers is the same, or lower, than in the general population. 

The issue here seems to me to be OP's husband's single-minded selfishness. Regardless of the pain it caused her he can't/won't stop. The kink is not the cause of the problem, just how it happened to manifest itself.

Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of Swingers. EJHS 2000


----------



## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Could you maybe role play an affair with each other? Meet in a bar with different names then agree to go to a nearby hotel for a one nighter with this "other guy". 

I think there is a lot of room in a monogamous relationship for this sort of play. If he can get his itch scratched for being the "other guy" then all the better.


----------



## ProdigyUK (Feb 26, 2014)

Lisa2marie said:


> I know he says he will just forget it and not bring it up again because he loves me to much, while I appreciate that but I just can't help but wonder every time we make love is he picturing me with another man.


I have the same fantasy as your hub, partner absolutely not interested so agreed not to mention it again. Thing is as youve realise when a guy gets a fantasy he can't just forget it - usually gets stronger if anything!
Do you know why hub wants this? Is it maybe because he doesnt feel he can satisfy you himself?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Its great to be able to tell your partner a fantasy, but not everyone wants to play to all fantasies. 

It can be a tricky call. A woman might feel silly dressing up as a french maid - or she might feel humiliated.

My feeling is that if it doesn't involve other people, pain, or very unusual fetishes, its good to try to satisfy your partners fantasies. 

When it does involve other people, it is completely reasonable to not want to play.


----------



## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

First off you simply had bad sex with a guy. Your husband is excited because he is programed to be excited by you having sex with someone else. You might try being a "hot wife." You pick your dates. You don't have to have sex with anybody you don't want to. If you go on a date don't tell your husband anything. When he asks tell him you don't kiss and tell. He is going to be very excited. I will tell you exactly what he is going to do. He is going to want to perform oral sex on you trying to see if you had sex. Play safe and have fun!


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Lisa2marie said:


> So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??


This is the part that I'm stuck on. I think its one thing to have a fantasy and maybe you pursue it and maybe you don't. Its another to say there is nothing to be excited about. Mid-life crisis? sexual fixation/fetish? selfish/self absorbed? I don't know, but he needs to refocus. Your sexual relationship is the cake. If you two want to dabble in other things then that can be the icing, but the cake comes first always. 

I'm being direct. You be soft and diplomatic so as not to embarrass him or get his defenses up.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I just don't get this cuckold/hotwife thing. I just don't. I guess I'm not that highly evolved. 

I couldn't watch the woman I loved being railed by another guy.


----------



## Lisa2marie (Oct 29, 2014)

Well we liked the "hotwife" lifestyle not "cuckold" neither of us are interested in me & some guy humiliating him! And I would not go on a date without my husband that's cheating, he wants to watch & join in that's the point of the fantasy. My problem is he is obsessed now that we've done something and I just feel like it's taken over our sex life. I hope you understand


----------



## Lisa2marie (Oct 29, 2014)

Bandit.45 I totally respect that and that is your right. I hope your just not trying to judge me.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Not judging. I just couldn't do it. 

Hey...whatever pulls your pud....


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

My wife is the same way with women. She gets turned on doing things with other women and me. It's like reverse cuckold though because she actually likes talking dirty to the other female, or being the aggressor and holding her head in my lap, or just talking dirty to the girl while we are all sexual. 

I felt less special for a while, like she didn't care if I was exclusively hers physically any more. But after a year now, it seems like she just uses women as props. She has no emotional attachments and stops talking to the girl after a few experiences, and begins looking for another one. Or we do.

My advice is, if you feel used, quit doing it. Don't do anything you don't want to do. If you need time to understand his kinks or you just don't want to understand this kink and prefer being his exclusively, let him know. Communicate to him that you do not want to be shared and it makes you feel inadequate. Communication.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I heartily support couples having whatever fetishes they like, even those I'd struggle to watch, much less want to try.

What troubles me is when one partner tries to inflict their 'special' desires on an unwilling partner.

The desired act is irrelevant. It only matters that one partner is insistant on something that the other doesn't like. It's no different than the guy who tries to coerce a reluctant partner into giving him a BJ, or the porn-raised virgin teen who thinks his first girlfriend is weird if she's not into anal.

Essentially, adults pressuring their partners is inconsiderate, immature and disrespectful.

In this instance, it's not like Lisa hasn't tried. She's gone above and beyond the call of duty,, it just doesn't rock her boat.

I think you need to put your foot down, Lisa. You seem game for anything 1-on-1 so it's not like he's stuck with a LD, lights out, missionary only prude. He needs to focus on what he has,, and what he might lose,, instead of fixating on the one thing that upsets you.

Otherwise, all I can suggest is the following as a 'happy medium' if you're comfortable with it. How about letting him watch threesome porn while he's 'doing' you? If it gets him going and saves you from the pressure of having a 2nd guy in your boudoir, it might work. Unless the only threesome he's interested in is one that involves you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why are you letting this happen to you? He does not care for you enough to protect you so you must protect yourself. You are responsible for your physical and mental health. You've already had bad experiences and you have expressed reservations. Yet he begs you to continue to put yourself in jeopardy. Your husband do longer sees you as a person with feelings. You are useful because you have the right parts for his use. 

Maybe you will be able to love yourself and respect your right to be more than a body with sex organs. I hope so. One thing that will help is to see a lawyer and get him out by formally separating and starting the D process. Either he wakes up or he is out to deal with his mental problems. You don't owe him the use of your body. Women up, please.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lisa2marie said:


> Bandit.45 I totally respect that and that is your right. I hope your just not trying to judge me.


He is not judging you. He, like me, does not get this crazy urge to watch our SO take some strange d!ck in front of us!

Honestly, the whole reason you are here with marriage problems is because you took some strange d!ck in front of your husband and you don't like it.

He needs therapy for his addiction or he needs to find someone as freaky as himself. That is obviously not you.

You need therapy to figure out why you do not have good boundaries and are willing to wh0re yourself out for your H's kink.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Hi Lisa - It sounds to me like you aren't opposed to doing this once in a while, you just don't want it to be the ONLY thing that excites your husband about sex with you, is that right? 

One aspect of that is that you might not be getting things sexually from him that you want in which case you can say "Ok, we'll do this once in a while, but we are also going to do what I want to do." He can't come up with sexy texts about anything else? He's not trying hard enough. 

But it sounds like the other aspect of this is you want him to want YOU as you and not you only when you are with another guy. Is that right? That's trickier. But maybe the advice is the same - you do this once in a while but the rest of the time his attention is focused on you alone and he needs to make an effort to do that for you.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

firebelly1 said:


> Hi Lisa - It sounds to me like you aren't opposed to doing this once in a while, you just don't want it to be the ONLY thing that excites your husband about sex with you, is that right?
> 
> One aspect of that is that you might not be getting things sexually from him that you want in which case you can say "Ok, we'll do this once in a while, but we are also going to do what I want to do." He can't come up with sexy texts about anything else? He's not trying hard enough.
> 
> But it sounds like the other aspect of this is you want him to want YOU as you and not you only when you are with another guy. Is that right? That's trickier. But maybe the advice is the same - you do this once in a while but the rest of the time his attention is focused on you alone and he needs to make an effort to do that for you.


What I see is that her husband is obsessed with using his wife for his sexual pleasure. She should not open the door one inch, she needs to close this door and lock it. That is part of the way towards making her home a safe harbor again. The other is to get him out of her life. 

There are men who have the capacity for empathy, compassion and feel a duty to preserving the peace and safety of his home, his woman and children. Right now her husband is a blind slave to his pleasure. He is not a man to depend upon or trusted.

If he is unhappy with her, he has the option of divorcing and finding women who like being shared. He does not need to suffer from being denied his craving. It's a win-win for both of them.


----------



## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> What I see is that her husband is obsessed with using his wife for his sexual pleasure. She should not open the door one inch, she needs to close this door and lock it. That is part of the way towards making her home a safe harbor again. The other is to get him out of her life.
> 
> There are men who have the capacity for empathy, compassion and feel a duty to preserving the peace and safety of his home, his woman and children. Right now her husband is a blind slave to his pleasure. He is not a man to depend upon or trusted.
> 
> If he is unhappy with her, he has the option of divorcing and finding women who like being shared. He does not need to suffer from being denied his craving. It's a win-win for both of them.



Good grief he introduced swinging and wasn't it her who said "if he brings it up again I'll bite"? "Things were so good and hot after that first time". Sounds like she was playing too it...

None of this happens without the interest of both parties. I tried to get in my wife's ass for 15 years never happened. But a 3 way with a woman I worked with wasn't a hard sell because it turned her on. Women don't just go banging other dudes in front of their husband without being intrigued by the idea.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She was intrigued, tried it and liked it at first. She had bad experiences and does not like it anymore. She is autonomous and allowed to stop if it's no longer fun for her. The agreement was not a promise to have threesomes in perpetuity. Her husband has to abide by her decision. He is autonomous and not bound to never have a woman who is intrigued by being shared. It is just won't be the OP.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Agreed, Catherine.

It's not his fetish that's the problem - some people think having the lights on is kinky - it's the fact that he's pressuring Lisa into fulfilling it.

My 'jury' was out regarding the level of his empathy but I've re-read the OP and it's not impressive.

Lisa's done her best and seems to've discovered the truism that the fantasy is seldom met by the reality.

He needs to back down and stop telling Lisa she's inadequate. He should count himself lucky she went as far as she did.

If he can't let IT go, he should let HER go. I'm sure plenty of guys would respect her boundaries. She sure doesn't come across as a prude. A trier is a keeper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

FD you said what I was trying to say only better. I don't see that her husband coerced her in any way to begin with. But I think he is being coercive now and that is not right.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I just don't get this cuckold/hotwife thing. I just don't. *I guess I'm not that highly evolved.*
> 
> I couldn't watch the woman I loved being railed by another guy.


Bandit,it's actually the exact opposite. The act of another male having your female stimulates a region of the brain referred to as the limbic system. It's function, in our evolution, was to cause strong motivation prompting the male to stop another male's advances and then reaffirm his dominance by inseminating the female in question demonstrating his virility.

This drive is very strong in most males which is the reason that it works when other forms of "arousal" do not. As evolved beings, we now have the intellect to assert logic and reason over the instinctual drives in our brains but not always.

With logic and reason it is easy to understand that this form of "arousal" is fraught with peril to monogamous relationships because of the high possibility of unintended consequences. It is playing with fire because the female instinctual drive is to find the "best" male specimen in order to provide the highest probability of producing viable offspring. If she is lacking the intellect necessary to fight those urges, another male can, at any given time, become more appealing than the current one.


In any event, the issue here is not this instinctual drive but rather the fact that her H cannot use logic and reason to squelch it in light of the fact that she does not care for it. His instinct is overriding his intellect. This could end very badly not only because of what I stated above but also because the OP does not like it and is trying to make him understand this. His failure to do so may cause her to consciously, or subconsciously, sabotage the relationship.

Lisa2,
You should discuss this with your H and tell him that this makes you uncomfortable and is not something you enjoy. You have already said that he has agreed not to do it so leave it at that. You are not "depriving" him by refusing to do what makes you uneasy. Is he allowed to sleep with whomever he pleases? Are you depriving him of that? Of course not, that is just part of being in a mature relationship with someone you care about.

Also, with all the information available today with a little effort and research on your part you may find alternative sources of arousal that work almost as well and that you are comfortable with.


----------



## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

The theory behind why men want to share their wives. Its called sperm competition! Goes something like this. He watches you have sex and wants to compete sexually with the other male to produce offspring. After watching you have sex he will be harder than normal. He is going trust harder and deeper and both testicles are going to release sperm giving him a more pleasurable powerful orgasm. Without the competition usually only one testicle releases sperm and the orgasm becomes routine/everyday thing. Your body is capable sex with several men for hours taking turns with you, it you let it. Being in competition both men are capable of multi-orgasms themselves. Always play safe.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mel that may be true in lower forms of life.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

NoChoice said:


> Bandit,it's actually the exact opposite. The act of another male having your female stimulates a region of the brain referred to as the limbic system. It's function, in our evolution, was to cause strong motivation prompting the male to stop another male's advances and then reaffirm his dominance by inseminating the female in question demonstrating his virility.
> 
> This drive is very strong in most males which is the reason that it works when other forms of "arousal" do not. As evolved beings, we now have the intellect to assert logic and reason over the instinctual drives in our brains but not always.
> 
> ...


Thank you Mach Jr.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

The flaw in your limbic system/instinct point is, put simply - Yes, both genders are wired to compete for viable mates but, by letting him put a ring on her finger, Lisa let him know that he'd won the competition. The question therefore becomes, why does he have an overwhelming need to keep replaying a tournament he's already won? Just like a Wimbledon winner, keep playing the same final over and over again and the runner-up will eventually win. 

He's actually fighting his limbic insticts which have already done their job. He's inviting competition (and failure) where none is necessary when he should be basking in his glory and polishing his 'trophy', not treating her like a worthless trinket.

A need to keep proving himself (to himself) or a desire to fail. Who knows? Whatever it is, it's something psychological in the 'higher' brain. If it weren't, we'd all be marching our WAGs off to swapping parties.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> What I see is that her husband is obsessed with using his wife for his sexual pleasure. She should not open the door one inch, she needs to close this door and lock it. That is part of the way towards making her home a safe harbor again. The other is to get him out of her life.


Holy Cow, Catherine, why not advise the OP to call the police while you are at it? We are talking about adults here who have made their own choices. Not every woman is a "victim" just because she and her husband have different sexual tastes. 

Couples "use" each other for sexual pleasure. My wife and I do it all the time! There's nothing sinister in that. In fact, it's one of the main reasons why people get married in the first place. 

And a lot of people are making this issue more complicated than it is. Why the husband has this fetish doesn't really matter. At it's core, this is simply an issue of a couple who are not fully sexually compatible. Basically, the OP sees *some* aspects of this fantasy as arousing, but her desire is not in sync with her husband's. Her husband on the other hand, has an obsession with this fantasy only, but stopped asking his wife to do it. However, that's like a dog trying not to bark or a fish trying not to swim. He's not going to be able just to forget about it. 

Lisa2Marie, here are your options as I see them:


Discuss this with your husband and a therapist to find some kind of compromise that would work for both of you (the preferred method)
Tell husband to forget about it, and so he will remain unsatisfied
Go through the motions for your husband's sake, leaving you miserable 
Divorce him and find someone more compatible

Simply put, the issue is solvable, but no solution here will be easy.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> The flaw in your limbic system/instinct point is, put simply - Yes, both genders are wired to compete for viable mates but, by letting him put a ring on her finger, Lisa let him know that he'd won the competition. The question therefore becomes, why does he have an overwhelming need to keep replaying a tournament he's already won? Just like a Wimbledon winner, keep playing the same final over and over again and the runner-up will eventually win.
> 
> He's actually fighting his limbic insticts which have already done their job. He's inviting competition (and failure) where none is necessary when he should be basking in his glory and polishing his 'trophy', not treating her like a worthless trinket.
> 
> ...


How does him putting a ring on her finger negate what I said? He is not fighting his limbic system he is USING it for arousal purposes. He is easily bored and his "higher brain" cannot come up with new and inventive ways to be aroused beyond the instinctual, which requires no thought or effort. I agree with your post I just don't see how it contradicts mine. In fact, to me it reinforces it.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> How does him putting a ring on her finger negate what I said? He is not fighting his limbic system he is USING it for arousal purposes. He is easily bored and his "higher brain" cannot come up with new and inventive ways to be aroused beyond the instinctual, which requires no thought or effort. I agree with your post I just don't see how it contradicts mine. In fact, to me it reinforces it.


Lisa's acceptance of the ring is merely symbolic of her telling him he'd 'won'.

As for the rest - poor comprehension of part of your post and poor proofreading of mine. I shouldn't embark on lengthy posts when I'm tired but, like somebody with a killer hangover vowing never to drink again, I probably will. 

We DO agree. I'd amend or delete my post but that'd undermine yours,, which'd be unfair. So,,,,, 


- My fault. I apologise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Lisa's acceptance of the ring is merely symbolic of her telling him he'd 'won'.
> 
> As for the rest - poor comprehension of part of your post and poor proofreading of mine. I shouldn't embark on lengthy posts when I'm tired but, like somebody with a killer hangover vowing never to drink again, I probably will.
> 
> ...


No apology is necessary my friend. I was simply confused as it seemed we were in agreement. All is well:smthumbup:


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

See it wouldn't work for me....or any woman who loved me. She would enjoy having the guy bang her for maybe the first thirty seconds, but then it would all go wrong...really wrong....

...all that blood...showering her and flooding all over her....

...as I'm hacking the guy to death with my machete.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> See it wouldn't work for me....or any woman who loved me. She would enjoy having the guy bang her for maybe the first thirty seconds, but then it would all go wrong...really wrong....
> 
> ...all that blood...showering her and flooding all over her....
> 
> ...as I'm hacking the guy to death with my machete.


:lol:Wow, thirty seconds....Your machete must have been far out of reach:smthumbup:


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Mel that may be true in lower forms of life.


It's not clear that you think a lower form of life than this guy even exists.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lisa2marie said:


> Ok so my husband has had a fantasy of watching me have sex with another guy for years now. A long time ago we did have a threesome with a mutual friend, I felt guilty after the incident, and after that we didn't do it again. Well this past year life had got in the way and we had a boring sex life and I remembered how happy and exciting things were after that one night so I decided if he brought up the subject again I would bite. Well he brought it up and I said I would be open to talking about it and possibly trying it. Needless to say he was excited. So I started reading more about it and I discovered that there were names for this fantasy/fetish called Cuckold and hotwife. We started off going to a swinger party and then joining a website. I warmed up to the idea for a few reasons #1 it sounded hot, two men all over me, #2my husband seemed to be so in love with me. Well I found a guy that seemed "my type" we met a few times, then it "happened". Well the guy seemed perfect, he was good looking, fun, charming but the sexual part I hated, he was really rough I mean not in a hurtful way just very "fast" and not romantic at all. I know that seems weird but I am a lady and regardless of the situation I still wanted that passion. Well after that my husband was obsessed! He fell in love with this new lifestyle but I didn't. It consumed our daily life our sex life and we went to a few more parties and I just couldn't get into it. Actually the last party I ended up crying in a corner because I felt bad that I couldn't do this for my husband. He felt bad and we left and he apologized for upsetting me just for his own pleasure. He says he will not bother me about it again but I know how happy this makes him. Well things were good for us sexually for a while but the last week or so he has been hinting little things like for example tonight he text me from work and said I want to talk dirty to you but I'm trying to be good. So I say well talk dirty to me then and he says I can't because I don't want to upset you I'm trying to change. So I say is that the only dirty way to talk to me. He said it the only thing that comes to mind. So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??



I have fantasized about my wifee having sex with another woman. 

This other woman, would trib my wifee, wifee laying back on the bed, and she can't get away or stop it......other woman on top, rubbing her, complete body to body, breasts to breasts......drives me crazy as I type......but I never bring it up anymore, and my fantasy remains just that. We've been married for 15 years. If my wifee was suddenly into this, wants to experiment, I probably wouldn't go through with it in the end, because that is adultery and once you open that pandora's box, you can't close it anymore. The next time, she might do this when I'm at work.....and then again.......and I like women now and want a divorce. You're playing with fire.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Cletus said:


> It's not clear that you think a lower form of life than this guy even exists.


I don't think Mel is a lower form of life. Where did you get that from? I meant that sperm competition is seen in lower life forms as in lower primates.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I don't think Mel is a lower form of life. Where did you get that from? I meant that sperm competition is seen in lower life forms as in lower primates.


There is strong evidence for sperm competition in humans. Primates are generally considered higher life forms, hence the name.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I'm not going to argue about the scientific reasons a guy might enjoy watching another man bang his wife, but the best way Lisa can fetter her old man desire for this is to suggest that she doesn't mind sharing herself with another guy, but she wants to do it without hubby being there. 
(And who knows. Without hubby's participation diluting the activity, she may get a lot of enjoyment out of it. )


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Lols, sperm competition. Men also produce more sperm and recharge faster when sleeping with another woman. Just look up cuckquean. Wives watch their husband have sex with other women, and the men fvck more often. Women who are cuckquean find this trait hot, and find their husband more desireable. It is not just men. There is still a stigma over women sexuality, but don't forget, those women tend to sleep with other married men. 

Also, putting new people into your life is a gamble. I read the thread by sandy something, where she felt conflicted when she was in love with two men, and it was her husband that put her in that situation. He withheld sex from her and made her seek it somewhere else. 

On facebook, I have read this one post from a former hot wife who left her husband for someone she was more compatible with. Funny thing, is that she is happier now with her new husband, and it is thanks to her ex. 

Studies are not accurate when it comes to open marriages, but at best roughly 20 percent of them have no to little conflict. And these open marriages tend to have better communication skills than your average marriage. 

Scientific research shows that people can fall in love over one night stands. Look up research by Helen Fisher. Happens to prostitute a lot actually. 

It is also shown, the more you feed a fetish, the stronger it can become. Maybe , Lisa subconciously, is already losing some attraction for her husband. I mean it happens. It is one of the common issues in cuckhold, hot wife, or cuckquean fetishes. Eventually, the relationship may feel plutonic. 

For those who it works for, they have a more fun life. But, if you do continue this lifestyle, just be prepared, that there is more than an 80 percent chance that you might end up falling for someone else. Funny thing about sex and orgasms, they release those darn pesky bonding hormones. So yes, you can fall in love with just sex and attraction. IN fact women are threee times more likely to fall in love. Men don't release nearly the same amount of bonding hormones as women do. Fromm a mating evolution, this makes sense. Because, those bonding hormones are needed for mates to stay long enough together to raise the offspring. Love at first sight, or instant attraction serves another purpose. In the past our ancestors didn't have time for romance, and life was short, so evolution decided to help people mate faster. Lisa is lucky she hasn't run into a guy that gives her that love at first sight feeling. Also those love at firsst sight couples have a 20 higher percentage of having their marriage work out. Their divorce rate is like 30 percent. That huge attraction factor helps out a lot. And love needs those attraction factors for mates.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Lisa2Marie, I totally get the cuckold thing!! Of course only under the normal cuckold stereotype of a guy with a "huge #ock". What is the appeal? I don't know watching her try to handle it, her moans, arches, watching 10+ inches drive in and out of her.

Now I'm not crazy enough to ever try that like you guys did, but like I said I get it. Back in the day we did some partner swap when we were dating.....it was alright. We have toys, high end vibrators, etc, and even a large strap on 10"+ and thick that we play with every so often. That is usually enough to keep my fetish at bay.

Best of luck!! Try to keep it hot for each other.....your hubby has some addiction issues takes one to know one


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Not to judge the other guy or anything, he's thinking the husband is a chump for letting him bang the wife.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> I'm not going to argue about the scientific reasons a guy might enjoy watching another man bang his wife, but the best way Lisa can fetter her old man desire for this is to suggest that she doesn't mind sharing herself with another guy, but she wants to do it without hubby being there.
> (And who knows. Without hubby's participation diluting the activity, she may get a lot of enjoyment out of it. )


I'm not sure that would make hubby happy.

Has anyone suggested another alternative? What if she agrees to try again but SHE picks the guy and the three of them have dinner or whatever together so that she can decide if she's willing?

In other words, it is his fantasy, but she is in charge of it.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

badsanta said:


> This was somewhat how I helped chose my girlfriends in college.


You should write the book "Partner Selection through Ejaculatory Excess". It would make a good "stocking stuffer".


----------



## Imissmywife (Jan 29, 2016)

Curious how things are going for the OP. And old thread but interesting reading at 4am.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Well, my wife had sex with another man in a wife swap. It was not a fantasy of mine, just a curiosity and a way for my once virgin bride to experience sex with another man. I knew from past experience that sometimes former virgins become very curious about what sex is like with someone else. I would too if I only had sex with one person. What if it was twice as good as what I had?

So we tried the swap with our best friends and we both hated it. My wife was expecting love making which is what we did but instead she got pounded into a couch cushion for 15 minutes and ended up with bruised breasts and thighs. After that she said I am more than enough for her and no more sex with other guys. For the last 44 years she has refused to have sex with other guys even though we were not monogamous at the time. 

As I watched my wife with another man I was neither aroused or jealous. It was just interesting to see her have sex form a different perspective. Plus it was just sex and no passion or tenderness at all, so no reason to feel jealous. Watching your wife with another man or having her do it and come home to tell you all about it is a big fantasy these days and husbands watch it in porn and get aroused but in real life their emotions that were not in their fantasy will come out. Plus it will not go according to the script in their minds. Once that genie is out of the bottle there is no putting it back. The wife may feel that she broker her personal or religious moral code or the husband cannot get the image of his wife enjoying sex with another man more than with him. It is all fun and games in your head.

True story. My wife's longtime girlfriend's husband wanted to watch his wife have sex with me. She was already having sex with me and my wife long before he married her, so I said OK. He was fine with me making out with his wife but as soon as I started to undress her he freaked out and she had to drive him home and calm him down. Surprisingly she still kept seeing us as usual. If your husband is truly submissive it can be a way to dominate him while having a little fun for yourself. Some wives are thrilled to be allowed to have sex with other guys, but most are not. My wife does not want sex with other men. As she said, her orgasms are so strong that they hurt at times and cramp up her muscles and if sex was better than that, she could not handle it.  

All of our friends who did stuff like this divorced because of it. We were the lucky ones only because we kept sex among the three of us. Try to find an old couple like us who engaged in this behavior on a regular basis. They are as rare as hen's teeth. In fact, the guy who wanted to watch was in a relationship where his wife dated other men and she divorced him for one. The guy gets aroused by knowing his wife is having sex with others. I would not be able to do what he does but it gets him off and they are still married over 25 years so it works for them.


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I was very active on infidelity boards for a few years. It is very rewarding once you get to know the system and being able to help people through an extremely traumatic situation.

However it does get repetitive on the boards and I feel I know enough participants around that when a tough one comes up that it'll be well-handled.

So I've been going extreme. I've been harvesting people from those cuckold websites. It's more interesting than normal
Infidelity because you're also forced with changing someone's worldview. Infidelity IS abuse. Some of these guys on cuckold websites, blind due to their kink, have been abused for years and are damaged as hell (Not every one of these relationships is, a lot are though). The pattern is the same - the wife loses respect for the husband not just because of the kink but because he's now focused on objectifying her. She meets a nice dude who says stuff like 'I'd never share you, you'd be my everything' and you're off to the races. The abuse starts kicking in soon thereafter - usually she is staying because of lifestyle or family. 

With the infidelity sites it feels like we are in a busy ER. With these kink people I feel like I'm one of those WWII field docs, helping folks as bombs explode on top of them.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

eric1 said:


> The pattern is the same - the wife loses respect for the husband not just because of the kink but because *he's now focused on objectifying her*.


And that right there is the crux of why people should never enter in to this kind of lifestyle. When you start objectifying your spouse you are in a sense de-humanizing them. True marital bonds just dissolve.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> And that right there is the crux of why people should never enter in to this kind of lifestyle. When you start objectifying your spouse you are in a sense de-humanizing them. True marital bonds just dissolve.


That "crux" is very exclusive to weaker relationships and even to weaker individuals as well. Non-traditional relationships mostly work for individuals where "traditional" living just doesnt meet thier lifestyle needs. 

It also works for couples and individuals who have the "jealousy" emtotion well under control.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Apexmale said:


> That "crux" is very exclusive to weaker relationships and even to weaker individuals as well. Non-traditional relationships mostly work for individuals where "traditional" living just doesnt meet thier lifestyle needs.
> 
> It also works for couples and individuals who have the "jealousy" emtotion well under control.


To each his/her own.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> To each his/her own.


Agreed. That is exactly how relationships work. 

More and more people are deciding on same sex relationships and marriages. Those types of relationships would never work for me. It doesnt mean those type relationships won't work or will end in divorce, it just means it takes a different type of person than me to be able to sustain them.


----------



## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

Vinnydee said:


> Well, my wife had sex with another man in a wife swap. It was not a fantasy of mine, just a curiosity and a way for my once virgin bride to experience sex with another man. I knew from past experience that sometimes former virgins become very curious about what sex is like with someone else. I would too if I only had sex with one person. What if it was twice as good as what I had?
> 
> So we tried the swap with our best friends and we both hated it. My wife was expecting love making which is what we did but instead she got pounded into a couch cushion for 15 minutes and ended up with bruised breasts and thighs. After that she said I am more than enough for her and no more sex with other guys. For the last 44 years she has refused to have sex with other guys even though we were not monogamous at the time.
> 
> ...


Damn. I must seriously be old fashioned.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Man, I won't even let another man ride one of my motorcycles!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> He is not judging you. He, like me, does not get this crazy urge to watch our SO take some strange d!ck in front of us!
> 
> Honestly, the whole reason you are here with marriage problems is because you took some strange d!ck in front of your husband and you don't like it.
> 
> ...


I hypothesize it's about power. See my other posts. Physical sexuality have very little to do with it in my mind at this point normal sexuality just doesn't do it for the guy. I see it as kind of like emotional version of S&M. You control your wife's body and give it to others, that gives you a sexual gratification. It should be called pimp my wife.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

eric1 said:


> I was very active on infidelity boards for a few years. It is very rewarding once you get to know the system and being able to help people through an extremely traumatic situation.
> 
> However it does get repetitive on the boards and I feel I know enough participants around that when a tough one comes up that it'll be well-handled.
> 
> ...


I suspect this is true I wonder if there is not something disconcerting for a woman knowing her husband isn't lustfully jealous of her sexuality. Values it like it's one of the more precious commitments in his life. I wonder if deep down in the recesses of her less progressive mind she wonders if he really that into her. I suspect deep down most woman still want a man who will passionately say (She is mind and I am hers). I would think this is her honor. To have her husband covet her. How disappointing it must be that to him it is like a lawnmower to give away to a total stranger. No real value at all.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I hypothesize it's about power. See my other posts. Physical sexuality have very little to do with it in my mind at this point normal sexuality just doesn't do it for the guy. I see it as kind of like emotional version of S&M. You control your wife's body and give it to others, that gives you a sexual gratification. It should be called pimp my wife.


No man control's a woman body. Just ask some of the betrayed husbands in these forums who thought they "owned" thier wives. Or the men here who would never "allow" their woman (as if a woman really needs to ask us for permission) to sleep with anyone else and they did. It wasn't until thier wives cheated that they realized they didnt own any part of her.

Some women are physically more sexual than other women just as men are. And also just as men, are coming to realize that with these changing new times, they can openly pursue it.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Its not ownership.....its respect, respect for one self, respect for the other, and respect for their relationship.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Xenote said:


> Its not ownership.....its respect, respect for one self, respect for the other, and respect for their relationship.


All marriages in open relationships lack respect?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Apexmale said:


> All marriages in open relationships lack respect?


I was simply addressing the word ownership. and since i am not in an open relationship, I therefore can not comment if there is respect or not.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Xenote said:


> Its not ownership.....its respect, respect for one self, respect for the other, and respect for their relationship.







Xenote said:


> I was simply addressing the word ownership. and since i am not in an open relationship, I therefore can not comment if there is respect or not.



Hmmmm... ok.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Xenote said:


> Its not ownership.....its respect, respect for one self, respect for the other, and respect for their relationship.


Indeed. Respect is even more important in non-conventional relationships.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> No man control's a woman body. Just ask some of the betrayed husbands in these forums who thought they "owned" thier wives. Or the men here who would never "allow" their woman (as if a woman really needs to ask us for permission) to sleep with anyone else and they did. It wasn't until thier wives cheated that they realized they didnt own any part of her.
> 
> Some women are physically more sexual than other women just as men are. And also just as men, are coming to realize that with these changing new times, they can openly pursue it.


Ha Ha that's rich. When did I imply ownership? No I implied manipulation. You manipulate your wife to give herself to others because she loves you, again very similar to how a pimp works. Only difference is a pimp does it for money the husband does it for his own ego and sexual gratification. If she really wanted to give herself she would just cheat or dump him, no she does it for her husband out of a misplaced love, for his affection. Except her husband who loves her should never ask her to give herself to another man precisely because he doesn't own her body. Because in the long run it's not good for her to objectify herself like that for his own ego, so he can get off. Again we are not talking about swapping where there is a decision made by the two of them. We are talking about hot wife or as I like to call it pimp my wife. Swapping she wants to do it, wife swap almost always she does it for him. 

A quote from a pimp (something I never thought I would write ) _"It started in high school, middle school really. [It was] 8th grade. Just being the dude that can talk a female into having sex with me and a couple of buddies. Always having the gift of the gab, always being able to talk to convince a female to see my point of view. It's like challenging yourself. Seeing how far you can get a female to go. That's how it started. Seeing what I could talk a female into doing."_ 

Quoted from here it's the same dynamic. That is the draw, that is where the sexual satisfaction comes from. 

Ever notice how with this fetish there always comes the videos and pictures of his wife with the other man. Why do you think that is? It's because then he can get the gratification of showing off the power he has over her to others. "Look at how I got my wife to give up all her bonding instincts and debase herself with another man. Look how much power I have over her." It's rich that you accuse me of controlling a woman's body when the whole entire fetish is about controlling the woman's body and soul. Again there is no power like the power to get a person to act against their instinct and throw away their body for your ego.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Ha Ha that's rich. When did I imply ownership? No I implied manipulation. You manipulate your wife to give herself to others because she loves you, again very similar to how a pimp works. Only difference is a pimp does it for money the husband does it for his own ego and sexual gratification. If she really wanted to give herself she would just cheat or dump him, no she does it for her husband out of a misplaced love, for his affection. Except her husband who loves her should never ask her to give herself to another man precisely because he doesn't own her body. Because in the long run it's not good for her to objectify herself like that for his own ego, so he can get off. Again we are not talking about swapping where there is a decision made by the two of them. We are talking about hot wife or as I like to call it pimp my wife. Swapping she wants to do it, wife swap almost always she does it for him.
> 
> A quote from a pimp (something I never thought I would write ) _"It started in high school, middle school really. [It was] 8th grade. Just being the dude that can talk a female into having sex with me and a couple of buddies. Always having the gift of the gab, always being able to talk to convince a female to see my point of view. It's like challenging yourself. Seeing how far you can get a female to go. That's how it started. Seeing what I could talk a female into doing."_
> 
> ...


Oh, you're talking about weak women... sure, weak women can be manipulated to do anything. Strong women, always make up their own mind.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> Oh, you're talking about weak women... sure, weak women can be manipulated to do anything. Strong women, always make up their own mind.


It has nothing to do with weak or strong it has to do with trying to please you husband and no realizing his true motivation. I would not call these woman week.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> It has nothing to do with weak or strong it has to do with trying to please you husband and no realizing his true motivation. I would not call these woman week.


I'm a bit confused here, are you conveying that any woman, whether weak or strong, will do anything to please a husband?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> I'm a bit confused here, are you conveying that any woman, whether weak or strong, will do anything to please a husband?


I am conveying that most woman and even some very un-evolved men in hotwife don't even realize what the true motivation of their husband is and if they did they would not do it and would be discussed.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I am conveying that most woman and even some very un-evolved men in hotwife don't even realize what the true motivation of their husband is and if they did they would not do it and would be discussed.


I wish we had a couple in that lifestyle that would chime in. 

TAM needs a section for non-traditional relationships. As we see more and more variations of them, we have more and more questions to ask.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> I wish we had a couple in that lifestyle that would chime in.
> 
> TAM needs a section for non-traditional relationships. As we see more and more variations of them, we have more and more questions to ask.


I am sure I could find many woman out of the lifestyle who would say it was not what they thought. This one is exploitative, which for some people is OK, but it at least needs to be seen as such. Hey if you want to be a dom or a sub that is your business, but when you are being dominated on the sly then I have a big problem with that.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I am sure I could find many woman out of the lifestyle who would say it was not what they thought. This one is exploitative, which for some people is OK, but it at least needs to be seen as such. Hey if you want to be a dom or a sub that is your business, but when you are being dominated on the sly then I have a big problem with that.


Are "hotwife and stag" marriages any different? Both are considered Dom.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> Are "hotwife and stag" marriages any different? Both are considered Dom.


Sorry don't know that one. Anyway I think I made my argument. Hotwife is presented like the wife has control but really the husband is a pimp. If you really like that you wife is F-ing other men, just let her and don't even ask her, take videos or pictures. Just let her and not tell you. I doubt most hotwife guys would go for that one. Let them find out years later if she wants to tell.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Sorry don't know that one. Anyway I think I made my argument. Hotwife is presented like the wife has control but really the husband is a pimp. If you really like that you wife is F-ing other men, just let her and don't even ask her, take videos or pictures. Just let her and not tell you. I doubt most hotwife guys would go for that one. Let them find out years later if she wants to tell.


From my understanding, that is exactly what happens. The wife is free to make her own decisions and the husband isnt always told (or the wife isnt required to "report" depending on how one sees it) about every encounter.

No pictures. No video.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> From my understanding, that is exactly what happens. The wife is free to make her own decisions and the husband isnt always told (or the wife isnt required to "report" depending on how one sees it) about every encounter.
> 
> No pictures. No video.


That's just a woman dating around for a better man cause her husband is a [email protected]


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> That's just a woman dating around for a better man cause her husband is a [email protected]


Ok... you dont really understand those lifestyles. If your educational extent is personal opinion, there is nothing to learn nor teach here.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> Ok... you dont really understand those lifestyles. If your educational extent is personal opinion, there is nothing to learn nor teach here.


Sorry to let you down sunsi 0


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Sorry to let you down sunsi 0


Its "sensei"...


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Apexmale said:


> Its "sensei"...


Mercy is for the week, we do not train to be merciful here.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Mercy is for the week, we do not train to be merciful here.


It's "weak", not "week".


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Melvynman said:


> First off you simply had bad sex with a guy. Your husband is excited because he is programed to be excited by you having sex with someone else. You might try being a "hot wife." You pick your dates. You don't have to have sex with anybody you don't want to. If you go on a date don't tell your husband anything. When he asks tell him you don't kiss and tell. He is going to be very excited. I will tell you exactly what he is going to do. *He is going to want to perform oral sex on you trying to see if you had sex.* Play safe and have fun!


It continues to be true, no matter how disgusting, degrading or potentially harmful something may be there is someone who enjoys it.


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Apexmale said:


> I wish we had a couple in that lifestyle that would chime in.
> 
> TAM needs a section for non-traditional relationships. As we see more and more variations of them, we have more and more questions to ask.


I agree with you but anyone who tried to contribute positively in such a section would be swamped by the TAM attack pack telling them what idiots they were and leave the forum. 

There would be no constructive discussion and nothing gained.


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> I agree with you but anyone who tried to contribute positively in such a section would be swamped by the TAM attack pack telling them what idiots they were and leave the forum.
> 
> There would be no constructive discussion and nothing gained.


I don't have a non-traditional lifestyle, but my training and exposure goes way beyond accepting just my own life and way of living. I try to advocate for non-traditional relationships here in TAM because those type of relationships get little to no help here in these forums.

Open marriages and hotwife marriages get hammered while not a word is said against interracial or same sex marriages. All of them are non-traditional relationships and a specific section should be created for marriage discussion among those lifestyles. 

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


----------



## DosXXMan (Jan 8, 2016)

I just posted a follow up on this in a different thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/359034-meaning-marriage.html


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wow your husband really is a lucky guy that you are willing to try these things to please him

one general rule i follow, you should try a kinky sex act twice! The first time it is new and you can not really judge. But if you try it a 2nd time and hate it, then that is it, you simply are not into that particular kinky thing and never need to try it again. never. 

but there have to be about a thousand OTHER kinky sex acts, some of which you might get into. MOST do not involve needing to do another man!

in no particular order:

Maybe a threesome, but with another woman (who would presumably be much more gentle with you)
Maybe a threesome, but with a guy you already know who is sensitive/gentle, or has hinted to you he is interested
Maybe role play, where your husband puts on a "disguise" and pretends to pick you up at a bar and seduce you. Or you dress as a female policwoman, and arrest him, and he tries to barter his way out of a ticket....
Bondage (either him or you getting tied up)
various types of sex toys
voyerism, where others watch you, or you watch others
and on and on...

Maybe try approaching this as you research what kinky things you might want to try, then TELL him what you two are going to do that night.

there are fetish websites, like FET LIFE that you can see the thousand or so fetish kinks that people have, and online sites like Adam and Eve to buy the proper accessories to try things out with. Often there are local groups, or meetup, for kinky sex ideas, like learning how to tie bondage ropes and knots.
good luck, and HAVE SOME FUN with it for a change.


----------



## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Lisa2marie said:


> .. We really are best friends..


You mean you've "friendzoned" him?. Not a good place for an exciting sex life between you ...



Mr.Fisty said:


> ... Maybe , Lisa subconciously, is already losing some attraction for her husband. I mean it happens. It is one of the common issues in cuckold, hot wife, or cuckquean fetishes. Eventually, the relationship may feel pl[a]tonic.


i.e. .. friends


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Nothing wrong with an open marriage as long as both spouses want that. If one spouse feels obligated to do it, or really doesn't want to do it, then it's not an open marriage. It's just one person doing what the other wants out of fear of losing him/her. 

Is swinging the same as an open marriage?  I've always thought an open marriage is when the spouses date others, without the other one around, and that swinging is when the couple wants to bring others into their sex lives, but together, not separately.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> I agree with you but anyone who tried to contribute positively in such a section would be swamped by the TAM attack pack telling them what idiots they were and leave the forum.
> 
> There would be no constructive discussion and nothing gained.


us non-trad just got to harden up and deal with it.
seriously - if you're in a non-trad and you're non mature enough to deal with the pressure and flak then you're not doing yourself or your partners justice. Take some time out and do a bit more "processing" until you get your head on straight. If you're going to have a purposeful non-trad relationship, you all have to pay extra attention to yourselves and the dynamics - if a bit of internet pressure is too much for you, then the first -real- pangs of frustration and jealousy are going to rip you apart.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Lisa2marie said:


> . So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??


Personally, and I'm non-trad relationship (poly) so this isn't just a knee reaction. Your man needs to go see a counsellor, and not some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy wally either. He wants someone who can help him reach inside and honestly and without judgementalism find out what excites him about that fetish (mental sexual prop).

Husband is romanticising the other party. There can be many reasons for that.
It also means he's romanticising how such events are going to be and who attends them. 

For many people who attend the Swingers events they _want_ distance between them and the others so they don't get too emotionally engaged. It's also a bit of a holding tank where people with damaged relationships can go to find alternative satisfaction/partners. So finding people that "don't fit" and leave you a bit uncomfortable is common (as foot odor...). Most who set up the pairing you're talking about have gone carefully and with a friend guiding, and set up between themselves and one or two other couples, usually outside the main "scene" (and often without it being "public"..ie "political").

Your husband needs to do a bit of honest thinking about what kind of people end up in the Swingers group/Key clubs/Online ads. When he comes to realise that many aren't really his type of person, and that they more resemble the a..hole that cuts you off in traffic, or accidentally knocks your lunch on the floor when getting theirs out of the workplace refrigerator (and then leaves it on the floor for you to clean up), then he'll be less likely to be excited about them.
It does depend on what motivates him though - is it an emotional distance thing? a fear of failure thing? a desire to possess [you] that others value? is it an expression of venus envy/homosexuality? is it a dislike/fear of women? is it a form of objectifying women as a sex object or reducing a woman to a vulva/sex object as a form of distancing himself (either upwards or downwards)? is it a form of transgendering for him? As you see, the root desire could be from many different things, and finding which one(s) will tell you both which way is the way to proceed.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Indeed. Respect is even more important in non-conventional relationships.


would imply it is somehow less important in conventional ones...


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> I have fantasized about my wifee having sex with another woman.
> 
> This other woman, would trib my wifee, wifee laying back on the bed, and she can't get away or stop it......other woman on top, rubbing her, complete body to body, breasts to breasts......drives me crazy as I type......but I never bring it up anymore, and my fantasy remains just that. We've been married for 15 years. If my wifee was suddenly into this, wants to experiment, I probably wouldn't go through with it in the end, because that is adultery and once you open that pandora's box, you can't close it anymore. The next time, she might do this when I'm at work.....and then again.......and I like women now and want a divorce. You're playing with fire.


Pretty much never works with two women. If the unicorn enters the relationship as interested in the wife, she is seeking an emotional bond. Husbands are always distanced, then excluded as "unnecessary" , although for short-times they may be kept around for their financial advantage. There are far too many girl-only things they can share and go to, making the husband no longer an equal in the relationship, and eventually seen as interferring/demanding.

over 40 yrs researching, exploring, and contracting people about such things - and in that time, neither myself nor anyone else has heard of that relationship going LTR-stable. I think the longest I heard was 8 years (and in that one, the wife went loopy, attacked a bunch of people, and [post prison] ended up a born-again Christian in total denial of her past).


----------



## YoungCouple (Jan 29, 2017)

Lisa2marie said:


> Ok so my husband has had a fantasy of watching me have sex with another guy for years now. A long time ago we did have a threesome with a mutual friend, I felt guilty after the incident, and after that we didn't do it again. Well this past year life had got in the way and we had a boring sex life and I remembered how happy and exciting things were after that one night so I decided if he brought up the subject again I would bite. Well he brought it up and I said I would be open to talking about it and possibly trying it. Needless to say he was excited. So I started reading more about it and I discovered that there were names for this fantasy/fetish called Cuckold and hotwife. We started off going to a swinger party and then joining a website. I warmed up to the idea for a few reasons #1 it sounded hot, two men all over me, #2my husband seemed to be so in love with me. Well I found a guy that seemed "my type" we met a few times, then it "happened". Well the guy seemed perfect, he was good looking, fun, charming but the sexual part I hated, he was really rough I mean not in a hurtful way just very "fast" and not romantic at all. I know that seems weird but I am a lady and regardless of the situation I still wanted that passion. Well after that my husband was obsessed! He fell in love with this new lifestyle but I didn't. It consumed our daily life our sex life and we went to a few more parties and I just couldn't get into it. Actually the last party I ended up crying in a corner because I felt bad that I couldn't do this for my husband. He felt bad and we left and he apologized for upsetting me just for his own pleasure. He says he will not bother me about it again but I know how happy this makes him. Well things were good for us sexually for a while but the last week or so he has been hinting little things like for example tonight he text me from work and said I want to talk dirty to you but I'm trying to be good. So I say well talk dirty to me then and he says I can't because I don't want to upset you I'm trying to change. So I say is that the only dirty way to talk to me. He said it the only thing that comes to mind. So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??


Hi, 

As a man who is getting married in a couple of months, I feel touched by your situation. For our part, we do share fantasies of incorporating another male into our sex life, but this is only pure fantasy (to spice up the act). I can't imagine a situation where I would let another man have his way with my wife because I did lots of research on the topic. It turns out that many women fall in love with the other man because he ends up being better sexually and they usually have secret sex following the first act, outside of the husband's knowledge. There is a distinction to make between a threesome with another man (MFM) or cuckolding (where a married husband enjoys seeing his wife have sex with other men). I believe your husband falls in the latter category and this form of lifestyle cannot be undertaken without a high level of trust between the couple, a mutual agreement between the couple, and respect of the wife's wishes. As you can see, I've done my homework. 

I believe you need to see a couples' therapist because your husband clearly has an obsession and this may be due to some other psychological reason. Also, choosing a particular lifestyle has to be mutual, and if your husband is coercive on you having intercourse with other men then it's hot healthy and is not a sign of love, but personal satisfaction. My words may sound harsh, but your husband needs a therapist to find out where this obsession originates.

Lastly, I hope your marriage survives because I believe you both love each other and this obsession, from your husband, is just a 'kink' (no pun intended) on your marriage that has a solution. 

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I have lots of research under my belt (again no pun intended) which I believe could explain some of your husband's novel fantasies. 

Best regards,


----------



## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Has the OP left the building?


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

gr8ful1 said:


> Has the OP left the building?


After all those pages of comments, probably. Still an interesting topic.

My 2 cents. As long as a committed couple can clearly share boundaries and can express their desires and fantasies there is the potential to work something out.

Personally, I think any kind of 3 some is a bad idea. On the other hand there can be "role playing" that "may" not cross boundaries and yet provide the "illusion" of a threesome. There is an interesting TED talk on Monogomish/Monogomy 2.0 and a "stimulus package or grey area of/for marriage." 








In particular listen to around the 9:50 mark. Where she talks about adding forbidden thoughts to a marriage with no action. Then she talks about talk, but not touch. The brain is the biggest sex organ and it is easily stimulated and tricked. She gives examples of how to spice up a marriage and yet has the limits that they can live with. Then she talks about of actions without violating their sexual boundaries. For example if a 3-some is desired, then going to a "strip club (male or female), calling a phone sex operator, trying to role play some sexual fantasy.

A cuckolding 3 some fantasy, can be tying the husband naked to the bed, blindfolded, leaving the room, ringing your own doorbell, Having the wife carrying on a conversation with an "other man," playing a porn video of loud sex with the wife screaming out in her voice dirty talk. Then later having an imaginary conversation with their lover, and loudly opening and closing the front door. Then taking her time, removing her clothes, and opening the door to her husband tied up on the bed. She can then tell him all about the sex she had with her lover. She can then push all of her husbands mental buttons, whether it is tell him about her lover's size, technique, asking him to "clean her up" etc.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I know only one couple that were capable of this, and it was strictly because they made a business out of it. They invested in and operate an upper crust swingers club and bar in our city. (I do the books, AND maintain an absolute professional distance) Even they admit that marriages are effected by this lifestyle, usually negatively.


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

gr8ful1 said:


> Has the OP left the building?


Um, the original poster (OP) has not been on TAM in over 2 years. 

Why do these 3some/cuckold/open marriage threads keep getting resurrected?


----------



## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

rockon said:


> Um, the original poster (OP) has not been on TAM in over 2 years.
> 
> Why do these 3some/cuckold/open marriage threads keep getting resurrected?


The newer generations arent practicing traditional marriages as older generations. I've come across more and more "poly" women the last few years.

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


----------



## emuna (Nov 1, 2016)

I am going through the same issue. I'm very conservative and could not find myself doing such a thing.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Melvynman said:


> The theory behind why men want to share their wives. Its called sperm competition! Goes something like this. He watches you have sex and wants to compete sexually with the other male to produce offspring. After watching you have sex he will be harder than normal. He is going trust harder and deeper and both testicles are going to release sperm giving him a more pleasurable powerful orgasm. Without the competition usually only one testicle releases sperm and the orgasm becomes routine/everyday thing. Your body is capable sex with several men for hours taking turns with you, it you let it. Being in competition both men are capable of multi-orgasms themselves. Always play safe.


So....you're like a cuttlefish....


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

rockon said:


> Um, the original poster (OP) has not been on TAM in over 2 years.
> 
> Why do these 3some/cuckold/open marriage threads keep getting resurrected?


Because pervs like reading them and getting themselves off.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> After all those pages of comments, probably. Still an interesting topic.
> 
> My 2 cents. As long as a committed couple can clearly share boundaries and can express their desires and fantasies there is the potential to work something out.
> 
> ...



I googled this person above. She works for Playboy.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

rockon said:


> Um, the original poster (OP) has not been on TAM in over 2 years.
> 
> Why do these 3some/cuckold/open marriage threads keep getting resurrected?


because it IS a juicy fantasy to think about. A lot of hollywood movies have themes like this, 3 somes or cheating, so OBVIOUSLY it is a mainstream topic people think about. An ultimate taboo, especially if you have been married a long time, resisted cheating, then all of a sudden the thought of getting a "hall pass" pops up!

But reality does not work out like the hollywood movie plots! that is why most of us are advising against this in real life. Keep it a naughty fantasy thought


----------



## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

That's very good advice Elegirl. He is getting her to do adultery which will seriously affect the marriage.


----------



## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Are you talking about being a domme in marriage? Does that mean dominating your husband all of the time or just meeting his need of a fetish.


----------



## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Good for you. Once marriage breaks down so does society.


----------



## Imissmywife (Jan 29, 2016)

Lisa2marie said:


> I agree. I've actually found a therapist in our area that I'm gonna give a try. We have to good of a marriage to screw up. We really are best friends. It's just so confusing that whole "lifestyle" I mean I do see the appeal, it's fun, sexy,exciting and kinda taboo. But it got to where we couldn't have sex without him talking about it or bringing it up. I felt like it took over. I feel like will he ever just want me without having to bring that up? I know he says he will just forget it and not bring it up again because he loves me to much, while I appreciate that but I just can't help but wonder every time we make love is he picturing me with another man.


You sound a lot like us. When we were first together/married we were sex freaks. We did just about everything two people could do together. Then we stumbled across MFM threesome porn. We both liked the idea and when an old college buddy from out of state visited his folks in our town, we thought he'd be the perfect candidate. We had socialized with him before and my wife found him attractive, and my friend told me she was a hottie. Took him to dinner and then back to our place. The sex that night was amazing. The attention of two men had her so heated up, she orgasmed so many times. Incredible! A couple of nights later we did it again with the same results. Our sex between the two of us really took off after that, especially the reclamation sex after he had left. We had one more MFM with him when we visited his town......again a great experience. He came to visit a few months later and took him to dinner. While he excused himself to the men's room, I asked my wife if she wanted to ask him to spend the night, or should I? She said neither.......said she couldn't do it anymore. He and I were both disappointed. I wish she had talked with me about it first before dropping this bomb. We've never had another MFM with him, or anyone else. That was 18 years ago, and I still can't get the images of them together out of my head. We used to talk about our MFMs while the two of us were having sex and initially it was a turn on. Now she has just about totally withdrawn sexually. She's nothing like her old sexy self. When I asked her why the huge drop in our sex life together, she said she still loves sex with me (she always has at least 2-3 orgasms in a session) but she wonders if while we're knocking boots if I'm picturing the two of them together. I'll admit that I do most times that I need a trigger to get me to orgasm. I do what I can to make sure she gets hers first (counting backwards from 100) and then picturing them together does the trick. My wife knows this is my biggest kink/fantasy but now it does absolutely nothing for her. I was told never to bring it up again, and I haven't, but she still has those same thoughts you do. For me though, it's just something that I can never forget.


----------



## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

Lisa2marie said:


> Ok so my husband has had a fantasy of watching me have sex with another guy for years now. A long time ago we did have a threesome with a mutual friend, I felt guilty after the incident, and after that we didn't do it again. Well this past year life had got in the way and we had a boring sex life and I remembered how happy and exciting things were after that one night so I decided if he brought up the subject again I would bite. Well he brought it up and I said I would be open to talking about it and possibly trying it. Needless to say he was excited. So I started reading more about it and I discovered that there were names for this fantasy/fetish called Cuckold and hotwife. We started off going to a swinger party and then joining a website. I warmed up to the idea for a few reasons #1 it sounded hot, two men all over me, #2my husband seemed to be so in love with me. Well I found a guy that seemed "my type" we met a few times, then it "happened". Well the guy seemed perfect, he was good looking, fun, charming but the sexual part I hated, he was really rough I mean not in a hurtful way just very "fast" and not romantic at all. I know that seems weird but I am a lady and regardless of the situation I still wanted that passion. Well after that my husband was obsessed! He fell in love with this new lifestyle but I didn't. It consumed our daily life our sex life and we went to a few more parties and I just couldn't get into it. Actually the last party I ended up crying in a corner because I felt bad that I couldn't do this for my husband. He felt bad and we left and he apologized for upsetting me just for his own pleasure. He says he will not bother me about it again but I know how happy this makes him. Well things were good for us sexually for a while but the last week or so he has been hinting little things like for example tonight he text me from work and said I want to talk dirty to you but I'm trying to be good. So I say well talk dirty to me then and he says I can't because I don't want to upset you I'm trying to change. So I say is that the only dirty way to talk to me. He said it the only thing that comes to mind. So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??


Hi Lisa.

I can speak to this a bit. I'm one of those guys that gets very turned on at seeing his wife with another man. Feel free to PM me if you would like more privacy about the details, but I'm happy to give you my perspective on this thing.

First, if your husband is like me, he is already happy with you. It's not about being dissatisfied... I absolutely LOVE sex with my wife. She is the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world to me. I love bringing her pleasure. When we make love, I love giving her oral, as she is very responsive, and every shiver, every moan, every gasp just turns me on more. 

Now, the 'why' as to why he has this fantasy is something I can't answer. I think there are as many reasons as there are men that fantasize about it. I know in my case, I think it developed because for a long time my wife had a very low sex drive, and I began to fantasize simply about her responding to some sexual stimulus... and eventually this became fantasies about her being seduced and giving in to her desires. Eventually it became a fantasy to see her pleasured by another man. (And for the record, when we did eventually fulfill this fantasy, it was every bit as good as I had hoped.) 

For me, at least, it's just something that turns me on. I don't 'need' it to happen... making love with my wife is always wonderful/incredible. The extra fantasy is just that... extra.

Some men have the cuckold fantasy; that other men are superior to them, so they get off on being compared negatively to other guys. (That's definitely not me... *grin*) Others like the hotwife idea, the idea that their wife is able to just f*** whomever she desires, whenever she desires. You might find your husband gets everything he wants out of you just talking about it. 

One thing is for sure; you should not do anything you don't want to do. If you're uncomfortable, or feeling guilty, then there is something wrong and your husband needs to understand it should stop. My wife and I have had both wonderful and not-so-great experiences in this thing; she still loves having sex with other men, but she's very selective about whom she chooses.


-H.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The ZOMBIE lives . . . again

The sad tale does remind me of an old joke. A man is complaining to a coworker about his marriage, The coworker says why don't you just have an affair, it'll put a new spark in your life. He replies but my wife would kill me. To which the coworker replies hey, it's a new world everyone is doing this, just tell her you want to have an affair. 
The next day the coworker follows up and asks how the conversation with his wife went. He replies, "she said, don't bother I already tried that and it didn't help a bit."


----------

