# I filed for Divorce, Now I am having a change of heart



## Bess_hope (Oct 11, 2011)

I am new to this forum. I filled for D last week and now I am doubting if I did the right decision. I have been with M for 11 years. M is a good father to our 10 yr.old son. In the past month M and I are not getting along. Last July we had a big argument and I told him that I am done. M works in real estate and he hardly closes deal due to the bad economy. He does not want to go back and look for another job and this put a lot of stress on my part. I lost my mother last year and M accused me of spending too much time with my family. M claimed that he comes last in my life and that he feels that I do not love him anymore. We agreed to go to Marriage counseling after our last fight last July 2011 and I thought we are making a slow progress. I found out last week that he has been interacting with this young woman T and talking over the phone for hours on end. I made a print out of our cell phone plan and it showed that they have been interacting for the last 3 months (July 2011) and they call each other 9-12 x/day their conversation lasted 197 minutes!! This pissed me off and I confronted my husband about it. M said that T is a client and that she is going through a rough divorce. When I asked M how old is T, he told me that she is in her late 20's. We just both turned 40 this year. I was so mad, I called my family, friends and I told M that I want a D. I filled for D on 10/5/11 and M was served on 10/6/11. Initially M would like to talk to me and wanted to save our marriage. I told M that I am done. After he was served with the papers, M was furious and he told me that He will drain me financially and ask for spousal support if I hire a lawyer. We own a home together and I have money to pay for the lawyer. M is broke right now and asking me to be amicable. I am willing to work with him peacefully, but now he is claiming that I need to support him and pay for his apartment rent when he move out. I explained to him the reason why I filled for D was because he was having this emotional connection with T which he denied. He changed all the passwords on his computer and our cell phone plan. I caught him going through my files yesterday and his reasoning was..."I need to know what you have against me". I told him that I am having a second thoughts about D and M told me that " I do not love you anymore" and have not for a long time. I felt bad for what is going on with our lives and our 10 year old son is witnessing all the turmoil. I tried to shield our boy with all the stress that is going on and reassured our son that he is the most important person in our lives. I am suppose to meet with my lawyer this thursday. I need some in put from you guys...I am a very active person, exercise everyday, have friends and family to talk to, but I can not seem to get a piece of mind. I regretted what I did.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

You filed but he isn't remorseful or even admitting what he has done by having an improper relationship with another woman/client.

Keep on going with it unless he ever is able to admit it, regret it, want to fix the relationship with you with all his heart and soul.

Tell your attorney about the financial threats. Get legal input on that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Follow through with the divorce unless he is willing to end contact with the OW and commit to the marriage. Now you know why you weren't getting along in July--he was and is having affair. I wonder if OW's divorce is due to the affair. If you can find out who her husband is...tell him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bess_hope (Oct 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Follow through with the divorce unless he is willing to end contact with the OW and commit to the marriage. Now you know why you weren't getting along in July--he was and is having affair. I wonder if OW's divorce is due to the affair. If you can find out who her husband is...tell him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Jellybeans and ChattyCaty, I appreciate your input. I will see my lawyer on Thursday and will address all the questions that I have. M totally denied about the affair. He explained to me that T is in the middle of a D and it was an arranged marriage for her. I told M that He is not a Marriage counselor and why is he obligated in finder her a lawyer? I neglect to share that on the morning that I found out about T, she has been calling our home and his cell phone. The night before I found out, M cooked a special meal for me! We had a good time I thought. I went to bed around 10 pm because I was tired from work...I worked as an TCU RN and just worked extra shift the night before. Guess what?? M was on the phone talking to T at around 10:30 pm records shows they were talking for 45 minutes..then he called her back again around 11:40 and T mobile showed they talked for another 50 minutes!! The next day at 8:15 am she was calling our home. That's when I started to investigate check our minutes online. Guess where M was at 8:45 am...he was driving to put oil in T's Car. The reason why I know was that M went to Kragen's auto parts and bought oil to put in T's car. I called him and they way he answer his phone was " what's up" like I am one of his buddies. I asked M, Who is T??? He sounded surprise and then said, "oh, she is my client. I told you about her. I asked M where is was and he stated, around the corner of our home. I asked M to come home and that we needed to talk. I showed M all the phone records and caller ID. I demanded that I talk to this T woman. He dialed her phone # and said, Hello, T this is M, my wife would like to talk to you. I asked M to put her on speaker, she said, NO I can't ! Then I asked out loud, Why not? M asked "why not"? Cause I am at work...I demanded to talk to her. M gave me the phone, I asked T..."Do you know that M is married? she said NO! OMG!!!I asked what do you talk about for 2 hours on the phone..she said business. Oh, I said, really you talk business in the middle of the night. "what, you guys have been talking for 3 months now, have you found a HOme to buy yet? I asked...T said that they talked personal stuff too. I asked what type of personal stuff....then she hanged up. I told M that he need to cut his ties to this woman! M called T back and told her that "sorry, I am dropping you as a client due to conflict of interest". T was upset. why would she be upset if she does not have any emotional attachment to my husband. I told M that I am done with him and that I would like for him to file for D! He was explaining to me that it was not an affair. I told him that the way they are going..it will lead to it. Sorry, I am just really furious. I called my sisters and bestfriend that day and I spend the whole day with them. I am lucky that I have close family and friends to turn too. Was at work tonight, I felt a void inside me...still thinking of the 17 years that I shared with M. I still feel lost....Thanks for reading and responding. I will keep you guys posted on what happen with the atty. Till next time.

Bess


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## Bess_hope (Oct 11, 2011)

Bess_hope said:


> Thanks Jellybeans and ChattyCaty, I appreciate your input. I will see my lawyer on Thursday and will address all the questions that I have. M totally denied about the affair. He explained to me that T is in the middle of a D and it was an arranged marriage for her. I told M that He is not a Marriage counselor and why is he obligated in finder her a lawyer? I neglect to share that on the morning that I found out about T, she has been calling our home and his cell phone. The night before I found out, M cooked a special meal for me! We had a good time I thought. I went to bed around 10 pm because I was tired from work...I worked as an TCU RN and just worked extra shift the night before. Guess what?? M was on the phone talking to T at around 10:30 pm records shows they were talking for 45 minutes..then he called her back again around 11:40 and T mobile showed they talked for another 50 minutes!! The next day at 8:15 am she was calling our home. That's when I started to investigate check our minutes online. Guess where M was at 8:45 am...he was driving to put oil in T's Car. The reason why I know was that M went to Kragen's auto parts and bought oil to put in T's car. I called him and they way he answer his phone was " what's up" like I am one of his buddies. I asked M, Who is T??? He sounded surprise and then said, "oh, she is my client. I told you about her. I asked M where is was and he stated, around the corner of our home. I asked M to come home and that we needed to talk. I showed M all the phone records and caller ID. I demanded that I talk to this T woman. He dialed her phone # and said, Hello, T this is M, my wife would like to talk to you. I asked M to put her on speaker, she said, NO I can't ! Then I asked out loud, Why not? M asked "why not"? Cause I am at work...I demanded to talk to her. M gave me the phone, I asked T..."Do you know that M is married? she said NO! OMG!!!I asked what do you talk about for 2 hours on the phone..she said business. Oh, I said, really you talk business in the middle of the night. "what, you guys have been talking for 3 months now, have you found a HOme to buy yet? I asked...T said that they talked personal stuff too. I asked what type of personal stuff....then she hanged up. I told M that he need to cut his ties to this woman! M called T back and told her that "sorry, I am dropping you as a client due to conflict of interest". T was upset. why would she be upset if she does not have any emotional attachment to my husband. I told M that I am done with him and that I would like for him to file for D! He was explaining to me that it was not an affair. I told him that the way they are going..it will lead to it. Sorry, I am just really furious. I called my sisters and bestfriend that day and I spend the whole day with them. I am lucky that I have close family and friends to turn too. Was at work tonight, I felt a void inside me...still thinking of the 17 years that I shared with M. I still feel lost....Thanks for reading and responding. I will keep you guys posted on what happen with the atty. Till next time.
> 
> Bess


I am feeling so down today. I feel like I am in a roller coaster ride. I went to see a lawyer last 10/13/11 and when the lawyer asked me if I am serious about my decision in filling for divorce I could not answer her. My friend went with me because I needed emotional support. I have been surrounded with close friends and family who are willing to give their love and support, but I still feel that I made a mistake in filling for divorce. My husband asked me last Saturday to please continue helping him financially and help him pay his bills (which I continue to do). I love him, he told me that "I started the ball rolling and that I can not go back". He's been hanging out with one parent -male at our son's school and I know he talks to him about our problems. Yesterday my husband contacted a mediator and schedule an appointment for us to meet. I am trying to avoid contact with my husband even though we still live in one roof. We casually talk, but once he drop my son to school at 8 am he does not come back till 12 pm..hanging out at the coffee shop (where ever he goes to be away from me). I am mostly on the phone talking to my girlfriends. I missed my H so much, I am at lost at this time...I still exercise everyday...loosing wt. I think I lost 7 lbs (now wt.115 lb) since 10/5/11 (the day I found out he was having EA-even though he denies it to this day. H told me today that " I schedule a mediator meeting for tomorrow am and this will finalize our divorce. He told me that he will respond to the divorce papers that I filled tomorrow and will let the judge sign in a month. I feel like this is the end. I am so lost...please help...any encouragement will help...

Bess


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Have you come out and asked him to work on the relationship? If he still loves you? If he wants to remain a family? Ask. But if he is unwilling to put some effort into the relationship---it may be over.
Tell him what you want. Ask what he wants.
Good luck.


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## Bess_hope (Oct 11, 2011)

Thanks for your response. When I asked my H if he is willing to work our marriage, he said " you kept on telling me you were done and I asked you last time not to mention the word "D" ever again. I made a rushed decision because I was very upset in finding out about this woman he's been talking to on the phone. He told me last week when I approached him that I am willing to work things out and sorry for filling" (now I wish I have not utter those words) I should have not plead or beg. Now, he is so adamant in his decision that he wants to move forward with the "D". I still want him back  
thanks again for responding.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Bess, are you regretting your decision because you really think things can work with your H or are you afraid of the future? Something to think about. You've been married a long time and thinking of being alone now can be overwhelming.

Have there ever been other signs of an affair in the past? Your H's actions with T were an EA. You were right to be upset about it. 

The fact that your husband does not want to work on the marriage says something. It could be that he is hurt. I think you need to give him some space and time to try to get your mind clear.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

He is hurt?
He made the mess!

Anyway. He sounds like he is threatening you financially still since he is unwilling to find employment to make funds while not closing real estate deals. He could always go back to real estate in the future should things turn around.
He is adamant about going forward with the D now cause he probably made up with the sad OW.
BTW....the OW acting like she did is the norm. Big whoop she was in an arranged marriage. Cultures do that so there is a good match with things in common for a reason. Sheesh.

Your H has a lot to work through and you have to protect yourself from his issues.


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## Bess_hope (Oct 11, 2011)

Thanks guys for the reply. I can not read my H, on 10/27 Thursday we went to see a Mediator and talked about finances. He is giving me the home that we build together. He is willing to have his name out of the deed/loan- that's okay with me. He is just asking for few stuff in the house. He changed his mind about spousal support as well. He promised that he will not touch my Pension/Retirement and 401K. I was really surprised...I thanked him for that. One thing that bothered me though was that he was just staring at me with a weird smile during the whole 2 hours meeting. He was laughing at times...I told him that this is not a funny situation. Then he lashed out and stated "you are the one who wanted this...if you did not filled for Divorce we will not be in this mess! I can not believe what I am hearing. I told him in front of the mediator that I did not want to pursue the D, then he said "it's too late now". He asked if he can still be cover under my insurance health...I told him that I have no problem with that, but my lawyer told me that once our D is over he will be automatically drop. I worry about his own health as well, The mediator advised me to call my employer and ask for Cobra coverage for my H when our D is final. When I called yesterday I found out that Out of pocket my H will be paying $607/month just for health coverage, no dental. He was shocked when I handed him the paper regarding health coverage rates. My H has hypertension and he takes several meds and some anti anxiety medicine. I do not know on what will happen now once our D is final. I will not be surprise if he will ask the Mediator for me to cover his Cobra Health Ins.

You guys asked me if my H had cheated on me before, not that I know of...I know he used to be a pot head when we were in our 20's- I even smoked it with him (during college), but once I started working on my career I stopped immediately. He stopped 11 years ago before the birth of our son. I found out last Sept. 2011 that he is smoking again. I did mentioned that to our marriage counselor (mc) and he promised that he will stop. His reason for smoking pot again...he could not sleep because he is dealing with a lot of stress. MC advised to perhaps get a sleeping pill rx. instead of smoking. 

I still continue to provide for my family (paying all the bills). I paid for the Mediator..I asked him because he has a deal closing in few weeks (commission approx. $10 thousand) if he is able to help me, his answer...NO, I am keeping my money. You open a Credit Union without telling me, Remember? I can not believe what I am hearing.

Today, I took my son to a birthday party. H changed his mind and now wants to drop our son off. I told H, "it's okay, I will do it..." then he looked at me and said "men, you have changed"! I do not know what I did to him to give me attitudes. I gave him a heads up on what my plans today with my son...party then barbeque with my friends later for dinner..H was not happy. I just can not read him right now. One day he is calm and nice to me...the next day he is cold and accusatory. 

Thanks guys for reading...somehow, I do not feel alone in this mess. I appreciate you all. I know it will get better..till next time.


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## Bess_hope (Oct 11, 2011)

Knife in the Heart, to answer your question..am I regretting my decision in filling for D, Yes...I do not know. Maybe you are right that I am afraid of the unknown, future and being alone. My sisters and girlfriends already are planning a Tahoe Get away in April ( I guess that's when my D will be final). I still care for my H, but it's really complicated. Our MC told me that "it seemed like I am the only one who understand my husband"...with all the stuff he had been through when he was a young child- (was in juvi, went to jail for drugs) he was brought up with no discipline. His own parents were very happy when H and I got married. They told me that now they know that my H is in a stable environment and relationship...Btw, he has not told his family about our Divorce process. He said unlike you, you tell the whole world our problems...I told him that I have to get this miserable feeling that I have inside. I have to talk about it or else I will burst. Ahg, I have to go now and exercise...get some Endorphins moving on...Till next time. Thanks again


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## Bess_hope (Oct 11, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> He is hurt?
> He made the mess!
> 
> Anyway. He sounds like he is threatening you financially still since he is unwilling to find employment to make funds while not closing real estate deals. He could always go back to real estate in the future should things turn around.
> ...


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## Bess_hope (Oct 11, 2011)

Thanks ChattyCathy, I appreciate your input as well. I do not know if he is still in contact with the OW, H goes in and out of our home. Does not tell me where he goes. I have not seen the OW no. on our caller ID, but who knows... somehow, I lost my trust in my H...sad, sad. I am a huge believer in Trust : (


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