# Fling 18 years ago trying to message my cheating hubby



## kevnmaz (Jan 30, 2012)

long story sorry...
18 years ago My partner and i split up for a few months then got back together. I was pregnant at the time and he didnt want to tell his parents we were quite young (23). He went out with an ex while on our break and then got back with me or so i thought. Turns out he was seeing someone else as well. He was working for a large shop and his boss was a woman called Karen (who had a few problems or so it seemed), i felt sorry for her and thought that my partner just wanted to be her friend, she even came to our engagement party (sucker i hear you shout)He left his job a year later and went to work elsewhere. Next time we bumped into her was 6 years later in a local park with her 2 small kids. 2 weeks later she enrolled her kids at my childrens school. I didnt speak to her but gathered my husband may have. I never saw her as a threat to my marriage as she always came across as a sad case. Roll forward another 6 years (in March last year) It turns out that a man i dance with is her cousin and she came along to watch. 
She was drunk and said how close her and my husband were back then and how much she missed him and would love to meet up and talk about old times, maybe at a reunion by where she lived, no partners of course and he could stay overnight in a hotel up there. This time i smelled a rat.I said i would tell him and she should get in contact. I let her have his FaceBook addess and said to add him so they could chat. (she didnt realise i also could login and his email address was a joint one) when i got home that night i told my husband that i had seen her and she asked after him, he went grey and said he didnt want to speak to her. (by now i knew they must have had an affair)
I let her email thinking she was talking to him , then she sent him a private message to his personal email with a pic of them both and started talking about their fling and old times. 
My husband took over 2 weeks to finally tell me he saw her for 3 weeks (or so he says)just before we got back together when he cheated on his ex. 3 weeks later after we got back together we attended a party of hers , she ran off crying and she asked to see him privately in her room,( i had a feeling something happened) but didnt find out what until he admitted that he had kissed her, they carried on working together for the next year with me unaware they had a fling and that they had kissed while we were going out. They got put on different departments and both left within weeks of one another.He said nothing else happened but im not so sure.
Given that her kids attended my childrens school i have a feeling that it may have carried on later as there were closer schools her kids could have attended. I emailed her that i knew about them and she went mad telling me why was i bothered and she didnt care so why should i! I told her husband that she had been emailing my husband for the past 6 months and that he should try and save his marriage, which he did.He Even asked me if i thought they saw each other at the school as he had a feeling she was cheating. 
She finally stopped emailing 6 months ago but last night i found out from her cousin that it probably went on for the year they worked together and not for the 3 weeks they both said. I know the work thing happened 18 years ago but its the fact he wont admit it was a year or even admit they may have carried it on later. I feel lost and like my heart has been ripped out. He was my best friend and to think he thought nothing of betraying me has killed my love for him. He says he was young and stupid and nothing else happened after the 3 weeks but how do i believe him when he has lied for our whole life together.She told his cousin it was more like a year what has he got to gain from lying to me. I know i sound a sad case and if i was advising someone i would say dump the looser but we have kids together and i just want to feel some peace.
If he saw her longer then why not admit it , why put me through more pain lying, what is he gaining now ( i have thrown him out) Her husband has forgiven her emails and this is the 3rd time she has popped her ugly head up.We went to a councillor who said he thought my husband didnt want to tell me for fear of hurting me and didnt want to tell me because of damage limitation. What a joke...... Any advice would be gratefully received...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bad therapist

he is giving you trickle truth, he does it because he is trying to protect the affair and what it stood/stands for.


you need to make a line in the sand 

you need to tell him you will get a divorce unless you get the entire truth, no contact with OW, complete transparency from your husband, and he starts showing true remorse and owns 100% of the affair thru actions.


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## kevnmaz (Jan 30, 2012)

I agree trickle truth. I had a long chat with her cousins friend (who i also dance with) last night, she did make me laugh and told me to forget it and move on! Pity the OW cant do that and keeps popping up.
I have tried everything with my husband from showing him books on the damage affairs do to writing letters on how i feel, this is his second bout at his mums and im not sure if he thinks i will calm down this time and let him back but he is kidding himself. He has said sorry but he says that all the time to get out of trouble , there is no feelings involved and his sorrys are hollow. Im angry that to save the memorys of his affair he is putting our marriage in jeopardy. I wouldnt mind but shes no oil painting and has aged badly. I have already told him i will get a divorce and he will have a shock as this time if i dont get the full truth i will go for it.I feel he is treating all this as one big joke. 
You are totally right about the therapist waste of space and gave no advice on what to do and said he was just their to listen. I stopped going as if i wanted just to chat to someone about it i have friends that will do it for free!


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## kevnmaz (Jan 30, 2012)

Thanks for your reply, i need all the help i can get....


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

This is a thread that cheaters really need to pay attention to, trickle truthers also. It dosent matter how long ago the affair was. The the bs it is felt like it just happened the day they find out. Also tell the truth, the whole truth to your bs. Anything they find out days, months, years or decades later will bring you back to the feelings on d-day no matter what has occurred during that time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Marriage councelors suck. After d-day 1 our MC's biggest piece of advice was to buy a PVR so I could record my favorite sports team and watch it after the family goes
to bed. She even asked me if I thought about my wife's affair a lot. I asked " what's a lot?". She said "do you think about it everyday?". What a joke. I just said "yes".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

MC will not work if a spouse, lies, tries to justifies an affair, is continuing an affair or just plain isn't willing to work on being open and addressing problems


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Probably make me unpopular but.... this "affair" happened 18 years ago? If that's the case I agree with your counselor. 
He's hiding it, avoiding it to limit the damage it could do to you/him today... 
The events of yesteryear probably mean nothing to him now (just like any woman I slept with 18 years ago).
I'd keep an eye on crazy woman though.

and holy crap... what if he was telling the truth and it was only like 3 weeks? No crazy cheating woman has EVER exaggerated the details of a "relationship" before have they?


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## kevnmaz (Jan 30, 2012)

WhyinSC said:


> Probably make me unpopular but.... this "affair" happened 18 years ago? If that's the case I agree with your counselor.
> He's hiding it, avoiding it to limit the damage it could do to you/him today...
> The events of yesteryear probably mean nothing to him now (just like any woman I slept with 18 years ago).
> I'd keep an eye on crazy woman though.
> ...


if you read the whole post this is the 3rd time she has appeared, the last contact before March was 6 years ago and 4 of those years her kids were at my kids school , so hardly that long ago...As for lying she said the same to my face and a few people who worked with them have pretty much said the same . The only liar is the man i married. Im not sure if you would understand but its not the act its the never being able to trust the person that you made your sacret vows to? To then find out that he is a total liar is the problem. He admitted he had feelings for her for quite a while after they finished but cant make the jump to actually saying how long they were together.


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## kevnmaz (Jan 30, 2012)

He thinks if he repeats his lies enough times i will believe them. I am so past that faze in my life, years ago i asked if anything went on between them and he did puppy dog eyes and swore nothing had happened. All i see when he does the same now is total lies. 
I did a NLP course and that really worked with him as he is a classic liar and everytime i caught him out he backtracked. Thing is why should i have to do that to get the truth? Im 42 now have lost 8 stone in the past 10 months ( i was overweight but not as much as she was) and think i deservethe truth if not for the 18 years i put into our relationship. If it ends now then so be it. 
We did wonder if his reluctance to tell the truth is down to his childhood as his parents always brushed problems under the carpet. His mums advice to me when all this came to light in March was to " not mention it dear and it will all go away" Not lightly as he cheated and i want to know how long for!


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## kevnmaz (Jan 30, 2012)

Think of it this way , if he gets away with lying now will i be in the same situation in say a year, two or maybe 3 years time. If she contacts him next time he is hardly going to run and tell me the way he is acting now is he?


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