# Wife wants Kids - I don't



## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

My wife and I met 8 year ago. We've been married for 3.5. We are both 26 yrs old. Before we got married we had multiple conversation about having children. We both agreed that we really didn't want any kids. After marriage we considered me getting a vasectomy. I even went to the doctor and he suggested I wait a few years and if we still wanted to go through with it then we could do it. So we decided to wait on that. 

This past year, a lot of our family members and friends have gotten pregnant and had kids. Her brother's wife is pregant now and due in 4 months. Somehow all these babies seemed to have sparked babymania in her.

I know I am not ready to be a father and I also don't want that responsibility. Raising a child is time consuming, expensive and emotionally draining. Yes, it can be very rewarding but it is not something that I desire right now. 

What bugs me is that she says things like:
-Don't you love me enough to want to have a baby with me
- She has also brought up the idea of adopting because she doesn't want to get "fat", which I definately do not want to do. I just feel that I would have a difficult time bonding. And she tells me that I am heartless for not wanting to help an orphaned child. 

Here is another thing that bothers me. We have taken care of my nephews and her little cousins and it ends up being me who watches them, feeds them, changes them, etc. and she will go off and take her afternoon naps.

If this is the way she is with kids I don't want it to be the case with our children if we ever do have one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you pointed out to her that she does not even help that much when children visit?

Does your wife realize how expensive and hard it is to adopt a child, especially a healthy baby?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You say that you and your wife talked about having children before you married at at that time both agreed that "didn't realy want kids".
Now years later your wife has started to change her mind, this is not supprising or unusual, we all change and grow over time, the desire for children can (as in your case) be triggered by seeing others having them or by the body clock starting to tick faster. You are lucky you are both still young so you do not need to rush into anything now. Your own views may change in years to come.

Raising a child (or children) whether biologicaly yours or not is the most.

Expensive,
Rewarding,
Tirering,
Joyus,
Time consuming,
Happy,

Thing you can ever do. 

As you can tell from my list there are pros & cons but you should be sure that you both want a child before bring one into your lives.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Nothing surprising here, happens all the time.

Thats why the doctor was (arguably) right to have you wait. You are young and it happens.

We were together for 15 years before we decided to have kids.. werent sure we ever wanted them.. were in fact nauseated by the incessant babble of friends and family over their kids who would never shutup about sippy cups and T ball and their first poop.

Funny. How things change.

First off.. take what she says at face value as far as wanting to have a baby. I bet she is ready, but you are looking for evidence she is not. Caring for a neigbors rent-a-kid doesnt mean anything. Listen first, understand her position without judgement (not easy) and then make sure she understands you as well. Equally important.

I was very much like you... and Im not trying to sway you one way or another.. but I have to say that though I had the exact same fears you did - I eventually came to the conclusion that I wasnt going to be able to refuse her desire to be a mom. We were married a long time at that point and she was 36 (I said 30 in another post, I think, mistakenly) and it was pretty much 'do it. or dont.'. I surprised myself at how quicky I got on board after the decision was made... crazy. 

2 things I wanted to say:

1) This needs to be a decision you both agree to - one way or the other. DONT be surprised if this becomes an all consuming deal breaker for her. Think hard about it... what your relationship means to you. If you think its likely you will be together when you are 75 etc.

2) you are never really ready for kids. You just arent. After 15 years... we had a solid relationship, were financialy solid, had a house, good jobs, good life, the whole 9 yards. I didn't want the responsibility and all the kid crap. I was oh so completely wrong. You may be different. I have seen kids ruin marriages (rather - the added complications, not the children) but I have also seen what sucessful families have.. like ours if I may be so bold. I used to worry that we didnt have what it took, _*why ruin a good thing?*_. Again, for us... I was totally wrong. It wa THE best thing we ever did, no question about it.

oh by the way "Don't you love me enough to want to have a baby with me." Fucque THAT noise - did she actually SAY that? You need to get in her face and call her out on that BS. That is emotional blackmail, childish and stupid. Tell her that the decision to have a child should be both of yours and it is not a contest to see who can win and not a measurement of how much anyone loves anyone else. She is being unkind, unfair and manipulative. (really - she just isnt thinking before she speaks. We all do it, biut you need to shine a light on that for her and make her see how bad that is.) At least she didnt say 'give me a baby' she said 'have a baby with me.' Symantics, but it matters.

You are young. You both have time, there is no emergency. Let her know that you know it has become a priority for her but you are not there yet.. and be prepared for more conversations to crop up a couple times a year.

Good luck!


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## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't doubt that a few years down the line, I too will have the desire to have children. There's been short spurts where I have thought it would be nice to have a child. But the feelings aren't permanent. 

I also feel that we need to have a stronger marriage and work out some kinks before we jump in to more responsability and stresses.

@anotherguy - "Don't you love me enough to want to have a baby with me. - yes she actually did say that. and I did tell her that having a child has nothing to do with loving her. But she has told me on other occasions as well after that. It starts to get annoying after a while.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

You should call her on it. Remond her that it wasnt so long ago she didnt want kids either, if that is indeed the case - and that she shouldnt be be using that kind of psychological warfare.

Its not like you are sitting around like a king and she is waiting for your 'approval'. Its simply a matter of you two coming to a healthy understanding.

I dont know.. when is your anniversary? When we started the begining stages of talking abou it, it was usually over (after) a bottle of wine after dinner. 'You thought about kids' she would say.. 'uhm. I donno' says me. 'you do realize that having kids is going to make everything infinitely harder'. 'yeah, I know'... it was always light. I bet that went on for 3 years.

You need to realize that you have time if it does come to that.. and she needs to understand that you have heard her and yes... you 'get it'. The world isnt going to end if you don't have a baby in 2013, right?

right?

(sound of crickets)


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Sounds like she's being a child about it. My only advice is to make absolutely sure she doesn't get pregnant unless you BOTH want it. I don't know what birth control you guys use, but I wouldn't necessarily trust her if you're just using the pill. To easy to "accidentally" forget that one and then boom, you're on the hook for 18 years of child rearing. I wouldn't worry so much about this possibility if she was acting like an adult about this situation, but from what you've written, she's not so you should be careful.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Honestly from what you wrote in your post your wife is not ready to have children. If you watch family members kids and she goes off to take a nap, she is not interested in bonding with a child. 

You said that she thought about adoption because she doesn't want to "get fat" that is someone who is not self sacrificing (of her figure) and if there is one thing you have to be as a mom is self sacrificing. It just never feels that way because you do it out of love.

Perhaps ask your wife "why she wants to have a child." What are her motivations? I remember when I wanted to have a child, I was ready to love an nurture, I wanted to feel my child growing inside me, it was a NEED in me not a WANT in me. 

You said your wife has baby fever ever since lots of your relavites and friends have had babies. Perhaps your wife just likes the idea of the attention that brings. Is she just seeking the attention or does she really want a child?


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