# whats wrong with me



## confu (Jun 23, 2011)

i've been feeling so depressed since last week. i've been married 5 years to my soulmate. i love him so much. we have a 2 year old together. i have two older kids 10 & 12 yr old from a previous marriage.

i thought everything was fine until about a week & 1/2 ago when i found out he was texting a girl he had been friends with for years. 

he hasn't gone out with his friends for about a year. i guess he ran into her at a bar on sat night & got her # & they were texting each other back and forth for 3 days straight until i found out.

i checked the phone bill & saw her number several times and so i confronted him about it & asked him who she was. he said she was someone he knew for a while and they just talked about their problems. i guess he has been unhappy. he says we argue a lot & he doesn't feel the love & affection from me as he used to. that he wants the old me back and for us to get along better. he had told me after i found out that he was unsure if he wanted us to stay together (this floored me) because he was unhappy. 

a few hours later the next morning he said he does want to be with me and make us work. he said he needs to hang out with his friends since they are like his family. he says he is stressed out a lot because of work then also when we argue & the kids etc etc.

he loves his 2 year old son so much & i think that he is wanting to work it out for our son rather than for us. 

he said that this girl was just a friend & they were just texting catching up on stuff & about our problems. he promised to not text her anymore & i have been checking phone logs & there is no contact.

so here i am a week later and am so depressed cause i am unsure whether or not my husband really wants me. im trying hard to make it work but its so hard. i question him & drill him & i know i shouldn't because he hasn't done anything wrong but i can't help it. it then just causes us to argue more which is the whole reason why he was unhappy in the first place. 

he is always on his phone looking at the internet & i check it & theres nothing in the chat logs on there or on the phone bill. but i still get suspicious & i hate it. 

i dont know if im overreacting or not but i am just so worried. i just want everything back to the way it was. i want to feel secure & reassured that everything is fine.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You need to sit with him and, instead of drilling him, talk with him. Let him answer, confirm the No Contact (NC) and give him the opportunity to understand how it has affected you.
Communication is the key here. It nearly always is.

Best wishes

N-B


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## confu (Jun 23, 2011)

but i feel that i talk to him about this everyday where its to the point where its the same discussion over and over again. 

i feel like he isn't trying hard to make me feel better. he is just carrying on as if nothing has happened. & when i tell him this- he asks me what do i want him to do. & that he already told me we are going to stay together.

why can't i let this all go? how do i let go?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You are Normal.
His involvement with another woman expressing his unhappiness to her was putting her in "your" place.
if he really wanted to work on things, he would have come to you, and "if" argument and problems were there he would still have come to you about that too.

I hope you have truly caught this early, and interceded before it got further.
Get into some type of pro-marriage counseling, and get these argument issues out of the way. But EVERY MAN knows when the line is crossed, so will use what you know as problems to justify his crossing those lines.
Your feelings are normal, legitimate, and justified.

Not all of the work is for you to be doing. it is also his repsonsibility to come to you to "talk about his problems". 

I would say, that I have heard all that before from my own wife in the middle of her own affair with a friend from her past, but I honestly hope it is early enough that you intervened!! 
Dont let yourself stay feeling bad. Schedule a meeting with a marriage counselor, and just give it a shot.


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## confu (Jun 23, 2011)

NZHappy said:


> Confu - here's a tip, go out and do some exercise - sounds like you are not getting enough and so you are not dealing properly with destressing.
> 
> Also - get councelling now!
> 
> Good luck!


its funny u said this  i went to zumba for the first time last week. i've always been a hottie (not trying to brag) but after this last baby- i gained about 20 extra. when all this went down- my butt went on a diet & haven't cheated on this diet a bit & have already seen a difference.

i am a stay at home mom & really have no life except taking care of kids/home. which i was totally happy with until all this stuff happened


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Not all of the work is for you to be doing. it is also his repsonsibility to come to you to "talk about his problems".


Absolutely!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

NZHappy said:


> Besides - guys love "crazy" chicks


An ex of mine once threw hot coffee in my face and bounced a remote control off my head, breaking it into pieces.
There is a limit to how crazy we like 'em


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## confu (Jun 23, 2011)

nz- we've always had a great sex life even tho not as often as we'd like since the baby. but since all of this happened. we have had sex every day only because i've been totally horny. lol. i think being an emotional wreck has helped with this too. 

i will keep checking. but are there other ways to text without using the phone. i.e. internet? i checked his internet history on his phone too and theres nothing there. meh, here i go again with these suspicions after he promised me he would not talk to her again.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

@confu

No, you are not overreacting. The emotions you are feelings are completely normal. First, you were unaware that there was a problem in your marriage. I've been there and been floored when I found out that my wife was unhappy and she had been talking to other men about our problems, at least one of which turned into a physical affair (PA). Hopefully you have caught this early enough to keep it from turning into a PA. Your husband has essentially started an emotional affair (EA). While it's not necessarily as damaging as a PA, it's still damaging, especially to wives or so I understand. You wonder why he didn't just come to you to talk about his issues. You are jealous of this other woman (OW) because your husband confided in her. Your world has been turned upside down and you're on edge. You are fully within your right to be upset and hurt about this. Your husband has no right to bring other people into your marriage, just as you have no right to. Your problems need to be discussed between yourselves or a marriage counselor (MC), and with no one else, not even his family or yours. No one else can solve your issues, except the both of you. 

You both need to establish healthy marital boundaries and now is the opportunity to set those boundaries. Under no circumstances are either of you to discuss your marital problems with anyone other than each other or a MC. Neither of you can have friends of the opposite sex that are not friends to the both of you. Generally, it's best to have married friends that are friends to the both of you. You are not to meet, go out, have lunch, etc. with friends of the opposite sex, without the other spouse present. If you talk to a member of the opposite sex away from your spouse, you keep it casual and let your spouse know what the conversation is about, every time. Above all things, never have single friends of the opposite sex. This only leads to putting yourselves into compromising positions. I've heard people say they can handle having friends of the opposite sex, without anything ever happening. These are also the same people that end up cheating on their spouses and were so ashamed because they thought they were the exception to the rule of not having friends of the opposite sex. Don't be that type of person and don't let your husband be that type of person either.

You and your husband need to sit down and talk about your issues. If it gets a little heated, you need to take a break from the discussion. Arguments never solve anything. You need to be open about the issues you have caused, just as he needs to be open about the issues he is responsible for. It took both of you to get married, it took both of you to create issues in the marriage, and it's going to take both of you giving 100+% to fix the marriage. Both of you come up with a plan of attack to get rid of these issues. Marriage is work and nowadays people are just lazy, hence over 50% marriages ending in divorce. You both need to be committed to working at this marriage every day. 

Marriage is like a garden. The more you tend it, the more it flourishes and sometimes you have to remove the weeds. Sometimes the flowers wilt and need watering. Your marriage can be as beautiful as a well tended garden, as long as you put the effort into it. If you do this, you'll watch it grow into a beautiful thing.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Calm, take it easy confu. As NZ said trust, but keep checking.
If there's nothing there, all well and good. If you have reason for any further suspicion, keep it to yourself and snoop a little, but don't keep blasting out at him, because if he isn't doing anything you could easily push him away.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> Marriage is work and nowadays people are just lazy, hence over 50% marriages ending in divorce.
> 
> Marriage is like a garden. The more you tend it, the more it flourishes and sometimes you have to remove the weeds. Sometimes the flowers wilt and need watering. Your marriage can be as beautiful as a well tended garden, as long as you put the effort into it. If you do this, you'll watch it grow into a beautiful thing.


I couldn't agree more.

And I'm going to steal that last part. But don't tell Restless.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Numb-badger said:


> I couldn't agree more.
> 
> And I'm going to steal that last part. But don't tell Restless.


You're more than welcome to use it. I'm a big fan of analogies. I'm also very verbose and I'm sure most on this message board who are familiar with my posts, would agree, hence the Wall-O-Text.


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## confu (Jun 23, 2011)

thanks all. u guys are so full of great advice. u made me feel better. thanks


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

@Confu

You can also discuss your problems with us. Most of us are in the same boat as you or worse. We are all here and happy to help you. You can look at these message boards as group therapy and trust me it helps.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To your thread question: Why do you think something is wrong with YOU?



confu said:


> i question him & drill him & i know i shouldn't because he hasn't done anything wrong but i can't help it. it then just causes us to argue more which is the whole reason why he was unhappy in the first place.


Stop doing this. Immediately.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> To your thread question: Why do you think something is wrong with YOU?
> 
> 
> 
> Stop doing this. Immediately.


:iagree:

He has done something wrong. He stepped outside the marriage. If he knew everything was above board, he would've told you about meeting this woman, when he met her. He knew he was in the wrong. He also never gave you the opportunity to correct his issues about the marriage with you. He didn't even give you the chance to fail or succeed. He judged you as a failure with no trial.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> . He also never gave you the opportunity to correct his issues about the marriage with you. He didn't even give you the chance to fail or succeed. He judged you as a failure with no trial.



Great post. But at this time he did say he wanted to work it out. I hate to sound cynical, OP, but I would be cautious. And I wouldn't pursue him or try to get things out of him or bait him into arguments. It's gonna make it a lot worse.


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