# The prison of marriage



## soultempest (Apr 1, 2008)

Hi everyone.

I am male, 35 years old, no children, married for 10 years. 

I am sad I suppose. The decision to marry 10 years ago, was partly mine, but was heavily influenced by church people and our parents - who would not stand for any other life style but marriage. 

I can't help but feel I need a break from my marriage - however ridiculous that sounds. I feel like I am in a prison. We are still great friends, but like so many people on the forums here, my love and passion for her has dwindled. I feel nothing. I live this life, because it makes her happy. I am sad so that she can be happy. I safeguard these thoughts and feelings with everything within me. Nobody knows except me.

And since she is still happy, and our lives are very intertwined, I cannot see any opportunity to ever tell her about my feelings, without causing the biggest crisis on earth.

I don't think I want to divorce. But I do need a break. We have never been apart in 10 years for more than 1 or 2 nights. I feel smothered. I am bored and have lost my interest in many aspects of life, including life itself (not suicidal at all – just very un-amused with my current life).

I guess my thinking is that a break will either make me realize what I have, or at least look at the situation from a clear perspective before I make any decisions that I might regret. But I feel there is no way for me to communicate these sorts of thoughts, since I don’t think my wife will be able to deal with it.

That is the basics of it. Sorry if it came out a bit crooked, but they are thoughts and feelings that have never been spoken or written down.

If there is any man or woman here that has been involved in a similar situation - please share your story. I would love to hear.
My email: [email protected]


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

Sincere~

You're in a rut, everyone goes through this and has the same feelings at some time or another. If you still love your wife then you owe it to her and your marriage to communicate your feelings to her. It will be hard but as long as your word it correctly I think she'll be able to handle it, telling the truth is always the best route to go. Perhaps a couples therapist can help you both work through this rough patch and help you express your feelings to your wife. Maybe she already suspects there's a problem and she doesn't know how to approach you about it. Just get it out and start a dialogue about how you feel.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

Also, have you spent time to think about what is missing for you and why you feel so sad? If it is just boredom, maybe plan a fishing trip with male friends or take up a martial arts class or something that will give you some time away from the house that you enjoy.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Life is what you make of it....

So your bored huh? same old thing? I cn understand where you are comming from.

You guys need to go out have some fun, she needs girls night out, you need a guys night out.

Go on a cruise, do some traveling, find something that will spice things up a little.

Have you discussed this with your wife? Maybe go out for a night of drinks and dancing, something out of the ordinary.

Comedy club? a play? A nice dinner?

Best of luck


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## soultempest (Apr 1, 2008)

Hi
Thank you for all the kind and supportive words. Some more if you care to read.

I am pretty sure I want to be with my wife forever. There is no better match for me. So I have already made some effort to try and remove these feelings of sadness and boredom from my heart. I really want them to go away, because, then everything will be fine again won't they?

I have gone out of my way to get us into various hobbies - indoor and outdoor. But my feelings remain. If I don't "kill" every minute of the day with "something", then I go mad with my thoughts. And there is this almost desperate longing to be alone. I have no idea where it comes from or what it means. But I am sure it is only temporary. I just don't know what to do about it right now. I have been patient and hoping it will go away, but I will lie if I tell you it did.

I wish it was easier. Sometimes I resent this secrecy and frailty of my marriage. Somehow it has driven a wedge between me, and my best friend in the world. Again, that is why I thought a break from it all would make us friends and lovers again.

I see no way to share this with her anytime soon although I long to do it. Not just for my own selfish needs, but to be able to say that we have a 99% honest relationship. I would feel so good if she knew how I felt. 

Neither of us has anywhere to go. We have just each other, and in that lies our strength, and ironically enough also our single biggest weakness.

Thanks for reading. I do not expect advice, since everyone's situations are so unique. But if you want to share something please do not hesitate.

Hope you have a fantastic day.


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## JAK (Feb 8, 2012)

soultempest said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> I am male, 35 years old, no children, married for 10 years.
> 
> ...


I'm in the same situation.I feel like I've lost my identity and zest for life.I feel imprisoned.I don't want anything specific.I've been married 25 years.I'm a male.I care for her very much.I want a break.When I have discussions with her about my feelings they come out all wrong and she gets defensive then turns the affection and comforting on.I feel a high level of anxiety as if I'm trapped when in close contact even intimacy feels pressured. I've been to a marriage conselor .however my feelings remain the same.Like you said I can view it from the outside looking in.I told her tonight I want to move out and for the first time called and will be looking at apartments on monday.I as well have hobbies.Hang out with the boys.I always hear try this try that but I need a time out.I feel more damage will be created should I not take the time for myself


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi soul how much quality time do you spend with yr wife ? And I am not talking about 
Laying on the couch watching tv. Have you ever loved her ? Or is it a m of convience
When y'all first started going out could you just not get enough of each other ?
That's what needs to be recreated in my opinion some ideas to get back their
Increase quality time by developing hobbies exercising etc together. Walk ride bikes hike do stuff you normally don't do also increase yr romance the other day I bot one rose and took the petals off of it and placed a I love you in her visor in her car she gets in goes off to work and checks her lipstick visor comes downn and petals and note fall in her lap needless to say she still talks about that one just little things that let her know I am thinking of her its a great way to keep the spark going. We have been m 12 yrs now and I love her more today than ever that's my advice 
Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well you dont mention why you dont have kids. A woman has her time of month to create absence to make the heart grow fonder.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

My situation is similar to yours in that I too married because others asked me to. Actually it was my mother and because I wanted to do everything to make her happy with me, I did. To make matters worse there were times that I had only stayed in my relationship because my then boyfriend threatened suicide if I didn't come back. All in all I dont feel it was my choice to be married to him but his and my mothers. Over the years I've realized that this has caused me to resent him. And the longer we are together the more I do. 



I can tell by your words that you get so wrapped up in taking care of her that you neglect your own needs. That can backfire.

I think I need space as well. I need to step away from the situation and decide if this is something that I want. And if I come back it has to be MY decision. For someone in your shoes it may make your relationship stronger to step away and have your space. I wouldn't normally suggest that, a marriage shouldn't be off and on but I think its appropriate in your case. 

Well that's my experience. Hope this helped.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Take a trip by yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe you need to buy a harley and take a road trip.

or buy a rifle and go hunting.

just find something your intereste in and learn about it start do some things for your self


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

You're not going to get anywhere if you think marriage is like being in prison.

Do whatever it takes to make you happy again. If it's a break, it's a break. You get one shot at this life. Don't waste it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Really old thread--someone should start their own!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Lol 2008


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## JAK (Feb 8, 2012)

I personally have already tried everything you guys suggested and more.Harley,Ferrari,Take a trip don't take a trip alone with her without her.if Im not content with my own situation I'm doing her any favors by being unhappy.I act differently with her.It comes out wrong,After 25 years you become mind readers and behaviors are cemented.I would like my situation to be different.But its not


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## JAK (Feb 8, 2012)

I guess this is an old thread.I wonder how soul ended up?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> Take a trip by yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Works for me. I do it all the time. I have separate hobbies from my husband. I NEED "alone time" and time away or else I go crazy. I could never be married and with someone all the time and not had more than 1 or 2 days apart in 10 years. If I don't get away that many times in a month I go nuts!

Last week I went on a ski trip by myself. It was very enjoyable. Get some hobbies and do some stuff, even if it's just going fishing or hiking or reading a book in a coffee shop. It's not a reflection on your relationship to want to be alone at times..it's just your basic personality and personal needs. Some people don't have that need and others do. Obviously you do so you need to fulfill that need. 

Good luck.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Lol 2008


Geez...:banghead: :slap:. You'd think after awhile these threads would get archived or something. Oh well, I guess talking about this will help someone, somewhere.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree with you you should get a d and set her free to find someone that would be a better match 
For her than yrself 

Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Tell your wife if we had children I would feel the same But when we have no children you do not feel me keep thinking


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