# Advise please-hubbys habits involving women



## soccermom (Oct 13, 2010)

My husband and I have been together for 1 year 3 months. We are in our mid 40's. Both very active and athletic. We are both considered attractive. I was married previously for 17 yeares, he has never been married but has two baby mamas with his two children. We got together VERY fast while still learning about one another. 

Shortly after I moved in I was made aware that the man I love doesn't have eyes for only me. He has made his fair share of tacky comments about young or busty women to me, made grunting/groaning sounds over YOUNG girls on tv, checked out women in front of me...overall I have felt very disrespected. I can't go to friends of family because I am embarrassed. 

This is the 'current' situation. My 20year old daughter is in college and plays a sport. She asked if she could have a team/college party at our home this Saturday. My hubby and I both agreed. Come to find out hubby tells his friends we're having a 'college girl' party. I told him I felt uncomfortable that he views this party that way and not as a nurturing step-parent. 

To top it off our sex life is sad. Unless he drinks at night he can't last more than a minute or two. So when we do have sex that's longer than two minutes it's always when he has a few in him. 

Part of the problem is his ADD, but I am not accepting that as an excuse.

My self esteem is in tatters...I have been with very loving men in the past that made me feel like I was their one and only. And if they happened to look at a girl because she is in their view, they were never tacky. 

This is a first for me and I am ready to make a decision soon as to whether I can go on this way.

Thanks for any and all advise.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I wish I could give you something positive, but it sounds like he's a pervert and a one pump chump.
If I were you, I wouldn't let my daughter anywhere near him.
My nieces and nephews range from 10 to 30 and their friends are all young, gorgeous, and a blast to be around...for about five minutes.
Trying anything with one of those kids is the last thing on my mind.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


DanF said:


> I wish I could give you something positive, but it sounds like he's a pervert and a one pump chump.
> If I were you, I wouldn't let my daughter anywhere near him.
> My nieces and nephews range from 10 to 30 and their friends are all young, gorgeous, and a blast to be around...for about five minutes.
> Trying anything with one of those kids is the last thing on my mind.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP IT IS DOOMED TO MAKE YOU SAD AND SUFFER....I am not saying that he is wrong in liking women in general and that includes young women even if you are old....but from just looking to be verbal about it, you are better off getting out that relationship.....

Another suggestion, is to talk to him about everything you don't like about your relationship with him and tell him that you don't want him there that night unless, he is willling to stay in his room and not even show up downstairs.....be strong...but he is the kind that could go from being verbal to act up and molest a young woman....I don't know, but I would never do or feel doing something like this....I mean I can tell my wife that I found a young woman attractive if I am watching tv but I am gentleman, I am very careful the way I talk to my wife...I am not vulgar.....she is my queen...


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Clearly your husband needs some respect and you should tell him that. He should also find a way to please you better. You need to point out his selfish ways and let him know this is not acceptable and he should be willing to change for the sake of your marriage. 

I am not sure that should conclude that your husband is a cheater of possible molester from this 1/2 page you wrote. Better safe than sorry. Keep a watchful eye but, not sure you have cause to lock him in the room durring this party for his comment. However, innapropriate (especailly since it involves your daughter) it could be a tastless joke. That seems like a stretch. IN my opinion most men oogle women. We do however, fight these primal urges and try to be subtle especially when we are with our wives. We also show restraint when the attention involves young family members or their friends. 

My wife is my queen too. I am for the most part respectful of her and she would agree with that. She has caught me from time to time looking when we are out (sometimes less than subtly) She has two brothers and works in a male dominant job so she sees how guys can be. I could see a guy making a joke to his friends about a "college party" heck I can't rule out saying it myself. That said i would never think about doing anything with another women. I have had chances as i travel on business frequently and I would NEVER think about touching a minor. 

Your husband needs maners, self-restraint and to treat you better. that is what you should address.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Talk to him. Take what you wrote down and just try talking to him about how unhappy you are. Lay it all out. Doesn't sound like you have much to lose...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

There was another thread about a husband who got more touchy and gropey the longer he went without sex. I'm wondering if this has something to do with it.

I get a little more "juvenile", similar to your husband, if my wife and I slow down on intimacy. I'm not proud of it but I see the correlation. Is there one here?

Lasting only a few minutes could be a sign of not getting enough sex or masturbating as a replacement for intimacy.


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## soccermom (Oct 13, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your responses...

A couple of other pieces of info:
1. He recommended we go to counseling because he thinks he is fine and I am overreacting.
2. He came to me later and said he thought we shouldn't have the party. That it would put a strain on our relationship 

More later


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## soccermom (Oct 13, 2010)

Thank you Chris and everyone. My man came home reviously, thus the quock tidbit below.

With regard to sex, I have a VERY high sex drive the older I've gotten. I am spontaneous, passionate and adoring to my hubby. I LOVE making love with him. Before we moved in together it was hot, heavy and erotic. Shortly atyerwards (1 month) we were down to 2-3x a month, some of which were 1 min quickies... and me getting rejected regularly. I got to the point of not wanting to dress in my lingerie or initiate. He knows I have a healthy sex drive, we've talked about it & I've encouraged him to attack me, but nada. He also greatly dislikes the idea of me pleasing myself.

This is the first time I've opened up about this in a year. So thanks for listening.




Chris Taylor said:


> There was another thread about a husband who got more touchy and gropey the longer he went without sex. I'm wondering if this has something to do with it.
> 
> I get a little more "juvenile", similar to your husband, if my wife and I slow down on intimacy. I'm not proud of it but I see the correlation. Is there one here?
> 
> Lasting only a few minutes could be a sign of not getting enough sex or masturbating as a replacement for intimacy.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Communication is very important. If you are not happy with what he is doing, just talk to him and try to understand him why he is like that.If he values you and your marriage, he'll try hard to make peace with you. Sometimes men are just men, they don't think certain things they do hurt their women, just like us, sometimes we say and do certain things and we don't know that we have hurt our men badly. 

I hear a lot of women or men say " I want to leave, I want to be out of this marriage" when they are really angry, they don't mean it, but the one who hears it I am sure is hurt badly. 

We are just outsiders, we only get the information from your posts, so please try to talk to your husband, sound like he values you and your marriage. 

Good luck.


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## soccermom (Oct 13, 2010)

Thank you so much for your heart felt response.

I"ve worked on myself a great deal over the last 10 years & part of that work was learning to communicate clearly & effectively with a sincere heart. Unfortunately not many people can communicate in an adult manner...my guy included. He reacts strongly with a angry passionate defensiveness and then turns up the anger and verbally attacks till I have felt spent...and believe me I'm a passionate arguer with a strong personality. I am praying the counselor will be a middle man for him to 'hear' me.

Thank you again, truly appreciated.


greenpearl said:


> Communication is very important. If you are not happy with what he is doing, just talk to him and try to understand him why he is like that.If he values you and your marriage, he'll try hard to make peace with you. Sometimes men are just men, they don't think certain things they do hurt their women, just like us, sometimes we say and do certain things and we don't know that we have hurt our men badly.
> 
> I hear a lot of women or men say " I want to leave, I want to be out of this marriage" when they are really angry, they don't mean it, but the one who hears it I am sure is hurt badly.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

soccermom said:


> Thank you so much for your heart felt response.
> 
> I"ve worked on myself a great deal over the last 10 years & part of that work was learning to communicate clearly & effectively with a sincere heart. Unfortunately not many people can communicate in an adult manner...my guy included. He reacts strongly with a angry passionate defensiveness and then turns up the anger and verbally attacks till I have felt spent...and believe me I'm a passionate arguer with a strong personality. I am praying the counselor will be a middle man for him to 'hear' me.
> 
> ...


From what you described, your husband lacks self-control. A lot of people don't know how to handle their emotion when they are angry. I used to use screaming and yelling to show my frustration. Then I realized it was only showing how foolish I was. 

Now I have learned not to scream and yell to show my frustration, actually I have learned not to be frustrated all the time, with my husband, like these two days, he just bought a new smart phone, he is all excited, he spends a lot of time in the bedroom, and I spend my time in the study, I feel we are not together, so I just told my husband that I don't think it is a good idea for us to be in separate rooms when we are at home, he has to be in the study with me, I feel sweeter. My husband acknowledged and that's what we are going to do. 

And I have learned, when we have disagreements, instead of winning an argument, I want to win his heart, we just listen to each other's words and think what's in each other's mind. Understand each other and accept each other. No one is perfect, focus on his good qualities and not let his bad qualities bother us. 

Talk, instead of arguing. 

Never ever resolve problems with anger, it only shows we lack self-control. 

Please let him know that, he needs to talk to you in a nice manner. He'll get more respect from you. 

I hope this councilor can help him understand this. 

good luck.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

Yes...yes...YES...to counseling. I think my Hubby was surprised how humbling marriage counseling can be. I really think he thought, that we would go in, he would say he screwed up, and it would be done. Don't get me wrong...he has been more enthusiastic at times, than I, even turning down our therapist's suggestion to lengthen time between appointments.

I am also learning how to stand up for myself in an EFFECTIVE way.


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## Buzz (Sep 30, 2010)

Your husband is being disrespectful when he blatantly checks out other women and verbally expresses his opinions of their attributes. I'm glad he agreed to forgo the party. He could be a sexual risk if left alone with your daughter and her friends. You deserve better than a man who seems to think more with the head between his legs than the one attached to his neck


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## soccermom (Oct 13, 2010)

Hey everyone, thank you so much for all your advice. Husbands/Men, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reassuring me I was not going insane. I guess after changing my entire life to begin a new one with him, it was a VERY heavy burden for me to consider what he was and finally seek support.

I have tried talking with him, as I mentioned to Green Pearl...however he becomes irate and extremely defensive even though I am very careful (most of the time) to use "I" sentences to communicate how I feel or what I need. A very ODD reaction he has when I tell him what my needs are...he says since I'm asking he doesn't want to do it. I told him I would love more intimacy with him, that I need it and how important it was for me. He reacted with a WEEK of BS verbal attacks and withholding himself from me. Obviously there is a lot wrong and after a year I am now willing to look at it.

I need strength.


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