# Putting on my seat belt...it's going to be a long ride



## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Hello,

I'm brand new here. I honestly don't even know how I made it here, but I might as well give it a try and see if I can find myself a little peace. 

Here goes...

My husband and I have been married for 4 years - happily. Every single day for 8 years, he has made me feel like the most important person in his life. He hugs me, kisses me, holds me, communicates with me and has made me feel very secure. It has all been real, and I cherish every single memory. 

We have a 15 month old daughter together. She is our entire world. I am not delusional. I know that she has changed the dynamics of our relationship. She has become the center of our universe, but parenting her has made our relationship even stronger.

........and then one week ago, we got into a small argument. (I know it is not about this argument, but this is when it came out) I don't know that you can even call it an argument. We had both had long days at work, and were both a little tired. We had both just gotten off work, and were kind of picking at one another. He went outside to mow the yard, while I cooked dinner. By the time he finished and came back in, I had cooled down. I poured him a glass of mountain dew and had it ready for him as he walked in. I told him it was a peace offering and I was sorry for being silly. I just wanted to enjoy the evening. He looked different. He looked cold. His eyes were angry. He told me he was tired of all this, and that I was ALWAYS in a bad mood and tired. I tried to hear him out and told him that I didn't feel that was true. I tried to remind him of all the things we had done in the last few days that were fun and didn't include any arguments or bad moods. I was totally lost on where he was coming from?! That night he left and didn't come home until 2 am. He told me he needed to drive and just clear his head. The next night it was 1 am. Friday night came and I had a girl's night out planned (the first one since my daughter had been born). I tried to cancel but he told me to go and that he needed some space. Saturday was worse and he was very distant towards me. I had never felt this from him. By Sunday, I told him that I couldn't live like this. It was tearing me up and breaking my heart. He was cold when I told him how I felt. He had no emotion. He told me he couldn't be the kind of husband I needed him to be and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I took off my rings and I packed my bags and went to my parent's house for what I had planned to be the night, with my daughter. We came home on Sunday evening because I knew it would be hell trying to put my daughter to sleep in a foreign place. He left again that night, but was in a little earlier (around 9). 

Monday (of this week) came and I told him how naked I felt without my rings, in a text message. He responded with an "lol I bet". It crushed me. Where was my loving husband? What had I done to deserve this? We talked a little more and he told me he thought he wanted out. 5 days had passed, and he was already talking about filing for divorce. I literally felt like I was going to lose my mind. 

I went home, packed his bags and set them at the door. *I told him his bags were packed and that if he wanted to go, then go. BUT, if he wanted to stay with us and wanted to try to be a family then stay because I wanted him there more than anything.* He came home, got his bags and left taking the money we had worked so hard to save for Disney World, in June. He already cancelled our plane tickets. 

He already has a new checking account already, and has decided how we will split up our belongings. He has taken the only new car I have ever owned and (help pay for) and is driving it around leaving me and my daughter with my old jeep. 

I'm surviving. Literally minute by minute, but I'm alive. Everything I do is for my daughter. Last week, we were meeting for lunch laughing, kissing, and holding hands on our lunch break. He made me laugh so hard I spit food out of my mouth. Today, he is a stranger. How? Why?

I want this marriage. I will do anything to save it, but I have to back off and give him his space. Last night, from his hotel room, he texted me that he misses me. I never knew I could feel this sad, and still function. Is he cheating on me? Did he snap? I have nothing to hide here. My closet has no skeletons.

Help me....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you have access to phone records/cell phone/text logs, and IM chats? How about his Facebook? Does he use it?

Place a Voice-Activated Recorder under the seat of his car and in other places he'd expect privacy.

Put a keylogger on your computer.

You'll likely know why he's acting this way in 24-48 hours.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Do you have open access to his phone?

Or does he guard it and password protect it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Possibly an OW could be involved. Some investigation on your part will answer that question.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's difficult, I know. We've all been there. It's scary but you will make it through.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

WeepingWillow said:


> We have a 15 month old daughter together. She is our entire world. I am not delusional. I know that she has changed the dynamics of our relationship. She has become the center of our universe, but *parenting her has made our relationship even stronger*.


If you believe that making your child the center of your universe--your entire world--for the past year and 3 months has made your relationship with your husband stronger, then you ARE delusional.

I'm not excusing your husband's actions (he should have discussed his feelings with you first), but how could you have not have seen this coming?

What you did was turn your husband from an equal marriage partner into a person whose only function in the marriage was to bring in money and take care of chores. You've made your husband feel like he's nothing more than an afterthought in his own marriage.

What you've done isn't that uncommon. James Dobson wrote years ago that this was one of the most common problems for people with small children. He said that *to have a strong and successful family both parents need to set their priorities in this order*:


God
Your spouse (for you your husband)
Your children

Is that the way you set you have your life prioritized; is your spouse and your relationship with him a higher priority than your children? No, from your description you have set your priorities as:


Your child
Yourself
Your husband

This may be great for you and your child, but it's damaging your marriage and family. By damaging your marriage and family you ARE damaging your child.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

I do not have access to this phone records. It is a company phone. 

As for what you said Blue Butterfly - Your reply was very rude and full of assumptions. Yes our daughter is the center of our universe, but EVERY evening, since she was born we have taken time for each other. I obviously have not met all of his needs and I take responsibility for that, but I'm a brand new mom. I'm doing the best I ****ing can. I have constantly told him that they are my entire world. I remind how that no man could ever come close to being as wonderful as him. He means everything to me, and he's always known that.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

My next paycheck says there's another woman. Start digging.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

The phone is not password protected although he does usually keep it in his pocket.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

I think you're right. I'm coming to terms with it minute by minute.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts on the situation.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

He has his own laptop, but it's a work laptop. I have the password and he leaves it laying around but I have not snooped. We've always had trust. Obviously, I was blind.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> My next paycheck says there's another woman. Start digging.


Agree.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

WeepingWillow said:


> The phone is not password protected although he does usually keep it in his pocket.


It won't do any good to go through his phone. They're smart enough to delete incriminating evidence (most of the time). Ride with a friend and follow him, use a recorder and listen to his conversations. 

A betrayed spouse is more thorough, in investigation, than an FBI agent is.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

The recorder idea is really good. I'm going to really consider this. I'm scared he will somehow find it, but likely he won't.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

WeepingWillow said:


> The recorder idea is really good. I'm going to really consider this. I'm scared he will somehow find it, but likely he won't.


He won't check under his car seat.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> My next paycheck says there's another woman. Start digging.


I'd wager HK's paycheck too.

If Blue Firefly's commentary was inaccurate with regard to your situation ignore it. However, it is sound advice as parents all too often put the kids above spouse - and God for that matter.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

He has never been one to talk on the phone. He is more of a texter. I'm afraid that if he's talking to someone it's through text messaging.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

WeepingWillow said:


> He has never been one to talk on the phone. He is more of a texter. I'm afraid that if he's talking to someone it's through text messaging.


Text messaging and social media may be the death-knell for the institution of marriage.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

WeepingWillow said:


> He has never been one to talk on the phone. He is more of a texter. I'm afraid that if he's talking to someone it's through text messaging.


My STBX is a texter, too, but he talked to his OW for hours. You'd be surprised at the things they'll do for something new.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

You are so right. It has always been a part of our relationship but never, up until this point, has harmed us. I have deleted my account because it doesn't matter to me. I don't even want it in my life anymore. He means more to me than ANY material thing or virtual face space ****.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Gosh, Katy. I know that you are right. I really do. I literally don't know if I can hear his side of the conversation. The thought of it makes me want to throw up.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Consider the possibility of a secret phone.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WeepingWillow said:


> You are so right. It has always been a part of our relationship but never, up until this point, has harmed us. I have deleted my account because it doesn't matter to me. I don't even want it in my life anymore. He means more to me than ANY material thing or virtual face space ****.


This is the voice of codependence.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

I will check around and see if I happen to stumble upon one. Thank you for the idea.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

WeepingWillow said:


> As for what you said Blue Butterfly - Your reply was very rude and full of assumptions. Yes our daughter is the center of our universe, but EVERY evening, since she was born we have taken time for each other. I obviously have not met all of his needs and I take responsibility for that, but I'm a brand new mom. I'm doing the best I ****ing can. I have constantly told him that they are my entire world. I remind how that no man could ever come close to being as wonderful as him. He means everything to me, and he's always known that.


If you see being blunt as rude, then I'm definitely rude.

As far as assumptions, they were based on your statement quoted at the top of the post.

It's instructive that you instantly became defensive to the point of using profanity when you were criticized. If this is your reaction when your husband brings up problems, it wouldn't be surprising that he kept things in and allowed them to build up until he suddenly one day exploded.

While your getting a lot of posters saying this must be due to an affair (and I'm not counting out that as a possibility) it doesn't seem to follow the pattern you generally see when a spouse is having an affair. Wayward spouses generally slowly drift away and gradually detach from their spouse. As a rule, they don't suddenly explode and walk out the door in a single day.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

WeepingWillow said:


> Gosh, Katy. I know that you are right. I really do. I literally don't know if I can hear his side of the conversation. The thought of it makes me want to throw up.


I know how hard it is to have proof layed in your lap, but it's necessary. An affair has to be exposed.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Firefly, he has a lot of childhood issues. Deep rooted. He was molested, and never told a soul besides me. I am having a hard time even typing this right now because I have always respected his privacy. I need help. I need him to talk to someone. Not for me even or for us, but for himself and for him as a human being. I'm sorry I jumped you. I truly am. I'm so scared right now and so hurt. This has all happened so fast. I'm sorry.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> While your getting a lot of posters saying this must be due to an affair (and I'm not counting out that as a possibility) it doesn't seem to follow the pattern you generally see when a spouse is having an affair. Wayward spouses generally slowly drift away and gradually detach from their spouse. *As a rule, they don't suddenly explode and walk out the door in a single day.*


That's a pretty big generalization for you to make. Actually, that is usually EXACTLY how a WS acts during an affair.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

His molester is in prison, but from charges that were brought again him by other boys. It was his uncle.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

When I say that I am scared and hurt right now, his feelings trump mine. He has to be feeling so much worse. This all is so out of character for him. It really is. When I say that, I'm telling you THIS IS NOT HIM.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WeepingWillow said:


> When I say that I am scared and hurt right now, his feelings trump mine. He has to be feeling so much worse. This all is so out of character for him. It really is. When I say that, I'm telling you THIS IS NOT HIM.


Are you willing to do what's necessary to find out who this is?


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

I started counseling yesterday in an attempt to lead by example. I know it's a long shot, but I let him know I started it to help me cope with my own feelings through all of this. I can't ask him to do something that I wouldn't do myself. My hope is that it will take away the stigma that he has in his mind about it.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Yes. I would walk through fire for this man. I have remained open to him even while he tries to get both feet out the door. Sell the car, change your checking, lease a house....those things are material and can be changed at some point. I can handle them, it won't be easy by any means but I'll work through them with him. What I can't handle is not having him in my life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WeepingWillow said:


> Yes. I would walk through fire for this man. I have remained open to him even while he tries to get both feet out the door. Sell the car, change your checking, lease a house....those things are material and can be changed at some point. I can handle them, it won't be easy by any means but I'll work through them with him. What I can't handle is not having him in my life.


So, you're firmly establishing yourself as his doormat.

And, he is wiping his feet.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Ugh, you are right. Every thing I do, he reacts in a way that says "get away from me. I don't want you and I never will."

It's wearing me down.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WeepingWillow said:


> Ugh, you are right. Every thing I do, he reacts in a way that says "get away from me. I don't want you and I never will."
> 
> It's wearing me down.


How about working with us to change that dynamic?


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

That's what I'm here for. I'm open to any advice.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WeepingWillow said:


> That's what I'm here for. I'm open to any advice.


The Healing Heart: The 180


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Printed that front page. I will follow it, I swear.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

From this point forward, he knows that I love him and would do anything for him. I've told him. 

I will back off and give him exactly what he has asked for - space from me.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Thank you, Conrad.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Start with small things.

One step - one foot at a time.

Love yourself enough to do this.

Are you in counseling?


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Yes, I'm in counseling. I started yesterday. It was really helpful. 

He is pushing me away right now with really harsh words. Then is nice and asks if he needs to get dinner or eat at home? So confusing. He is completely flabbergasted that I am puzzled by his behavior. That is the part that floors me. He thinks I should have already accepted this and moved on. I suppose since he has already accepted it then it's just a done deal in his mind. 

I will start with the small things. I'm going to do my best. Been reading the list all day. Please stay in touch.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WeepingWillow said:


> Yes, I'm in counseling. I started yesterday. It was really helpful.
> 
> He is pushing me away right now with really harsh words. Then is nice and asks if he needs to get dinner or eat at home? So confusing. He is completely flabbergasted that I am puzzled by his behavior. That is the part that floors me. He thinks I should have already accepted this and moved on. I suppose since he has already accepted it then it's just a done deal in his mind.
> 
> I will start with the small things. I'm going to do my best. Been reading the list all day. Please stay in touch.


Start reading other threads.

The ones with the huge post counts are invaluable in seeing how codependent partners can surmount their afflictions.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

#32 just answered my questions there...


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

WeepingWillow said:


> Yes, I'm in counseling. I started yesterday. It was really helpful.
> 
> He is pushing me away right now with really harsh words. Then is nice and asks if he needs to get dinner or eat at home? So confusing. He is completely flabbergasted that I am puzzled by his behavior. That is the part that floors me. He thinks I should have already accepted this and moved on. I suppose since he has already accepted it then it's just a done deal in his mind.
> 
> I will start with the small things. I'm going to do my best. Been reading the list all day. Please stay in touch.


Are you sure he hasn't had a stroke? 

Silent stroke - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 

Psychological effects | Stroke NSW



> Personality
> 
> Changes in personality following a Stroke may be rare but often very disturbing to the family. Personality is the unique combination of an individual’s thoughts, feelings and reactions toward themselves, others and their environment. After a Stroke some may not seem the same person as before. The way in which they think, feel and react may be altered. Family and relatives need to understand the new and puzzling changes. Problems and activities once tackled easily may be difficult or impossible, while other tasks are unaffected. People may become confused, self-centred, uncooperative and irritable, and may have rapid changes in mood. They may not be able to adjust easily to anything new and may become anxious, annoyed or tearful over seemingly small matters.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Well, it has been a long night but he finally told me he was meeting up with another woman. 

I knew it in my heart, but I had no way of proving it and I was losing my mind trying to figure it out. I told him I hired a private investigator and knew everything. (I had not) I told him that if he was a man he would look me in the eyes and be honest now. He says they met for dinner and ended up kissing. I'm sure it's far more than that. He says our marriage has been dead for a long time. News to me but obviously or I wouldn't be in this predicament. 

So there it is. He doesn't want to work things out with me. He says there is no reason to try. He is only here for our daughter at this point. He just left again and I'm sure it's to meet up with her again. I feel like throwing up but I have no food in my stomach so that's pointless. 

Tomorrow starts the 180 process for me. I can't be a sitting duck anymore. I have to take charge of my life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Willow,

What else do you know about her?

Rest assured, they've already had sex.

Do you know her name? If she's married? Does she work?

Where does she live?

I would still get the voice-activated recorder and put it under his car seat.

You have far more power in this than you realize.

BTW - nice touch on the lie about the private investigator. We like you here already


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

I know nothing about her and he is offering zero information. I feel confident that they have indeed had sex. That hurts like hell. He has already left again tonight. He obviously has a lot of feelings for her to make all of these decisions so suddenly just to have his freedom to try things with her. 

I really don't need the voice recorder because I already know how into this he already is. Any thing else will only cause me more harm in the long run. 

I don't feel like I have any power. The only thing I have control right now is myself and my first decision is to stop engaging in conversation with him over text. I'm tired. I'm really tired. I have fight left in me, but I want to use it only for myself and my daughter at this point.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

WeepingWillow said:


> I know nothing about her and he is offering zero information. I feel confident that they have indeed had sex. That hurts like hell. He has already left again tonight. He obviously has a lot of feelings for her to make all of these decisions so suddenly just to have his freedom to try things with her.
> 
> I really don't need the voice recorder because I already know how into this he already is. Any thing else will only cause me more harm in the long run.
> 
> I don't feel like I have any power. The only thing I have control right now is myself and my first decision is to stop engaging in conversation with him over text. I'm tired. I'm really tired. I have fight left in me, but I want to use it only for myself and my daughter at this point.


Whoever she is, she has to have some sort of ambition in life and be fairly attractive. I hate her.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Is it strange that I hope they already had sex? I know this sounds completely crazy but I hope they already got that first time out of the way instead of working up to it over time. He told me her told her that he is in the middle of divorcing me. No doubt a winner, because a man in the middle of a divorce with a 15 month old daughter is such a prize.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

People like him and her don't deserve oxygen.


Thank you guys for listening tonight. It feels good to be talking to people who just know.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Sorry this is happening to you. My situation was similar, I Made the mistake of begging and trying to reason her back.

Good to see you're trying to implement the 180, wish I hadn't waited 3 months to do it. I wish you the best, you'll make it through this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WeepingWillow said:


> I know nothing about her and he is offering zero information. I feel confident that they have indeed had sex. That hurts like hell. He has already left again tonight. He obviously has a lot of feelings for her to make all of these decisions so suddenly just to have his freedom to try things with her.
> 
> I really don't need the voice recorder because I already know how into this he already is. Any thing else will only cause me more harm in the long run.
> 
> I don't feel like I have any power. The only thing I have control right now is myself and my first decision is to stop engaging in conversation with him over text. I'm tired. I'm really tired. I have fight left in me, but I want to use it only for myself and my daughter at this point.


I understand you are angry.

But, realize this... he's in a fog... a powerful drug-induced fog where he truly believes she is perfect.

Of course, that's far from the truth.

Exposing their sleazy behavior will - almost undoubtedly - end them. To expose them, you have to know her identity.

Get it.

Get the VAR


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I understand you are angry.
> 
> But, realize this... he's in a fog... a powerful drug-induced fog where he truly believes she is perfect.
> 
> ...


Please listen Willow. This forum is filled with people who regret not doing everything they could have done. Don't have any regrets.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

does he still live in the house with you? whatever he says or does, implement the 180. its for you to help you detach and recover. believe me, its the only way to heal. He's in his own drama, don't be or plead or ask where he's been or what he's doing. Detach detach detach as much as possible. Read and post on here, we are here to help. btw when you lied about the pi, I was like go girl! Look after you and d. These are your priorities now, not him. 

oh and the likelihood of the OW being ambitous or pretty? yeah she may be attractive but no doubt she is a screwed up mess with no self respectf- who sleeps with married men? don't worry, she will show her true colours soon enough. 

Like Conrad said, get that VAR sorted asap, you will need it to expose. stay strong, we've all been through this.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

You guys are my saving grace right now. I'm really hiring a PI tomorrow, well today. Good Morning! I'm going to get to the bottom of things and take back my dignity. Got nothing to say about him except for that he came home late and now sleeps on a couch. He has a bad back right now, so I take comfort in that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> Sorry this is happening to you. My situation was similar, I Made the mistake of begging and trying to reason her back.
> 
> Good to see you're trying to implement the 180, wish I hadn't waited 3 months to do it. I wish you the best, you'll make it through this.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry that you've had to deal with such craziness too. I have seen people go through this many times in my life...friends and family alike. I thought I felt their pain with them, but I did not. There is no pain like this. My heart actually hurts. My fingers ache, my chests needs more oxygen from what feels like an elephant sitting on my chest, my anxiety is so bad that I can barely close my eyes at night. Really, I am so sorry you didn't get what you wanted in the end. I know I will never trust again.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Should I still wear my wedding ring?


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Also, I have gotten in contact with a real private investigator. He's pretty steep...$500 deposit and $60 an hour after that. Not sure how I'll swing it, but I think I'm going to be glad I did.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Willow,

PLEASE expose this affair, to EVERYONE. The thrill of a sneaky meetup is lost when everyone knows what you're doing. Out him to the families, your friends, his friends, his co-workers and the neighbors.

Get the VAR, and use it. I guarantee you can find out a lot more than you think you can. She may be married, in which case her husband needs to be aware of their fling.

You've been amazingly proactive, thus far. Don't back down, with his half-assed confession. As Conrad says, you have WAY more power than you could ever imagine, at this point.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

WeepingWillow said:


> Should I still wear my wedding ring?


I took mine off. That's part of the 180, yeah? Show him you're not okay being his plan B. Also, cut off any financial contributions on your part. No joint accounts. Don't pay him to cheat on you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It seems to happen to the best of us.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

WeepingWillow said:


> Also, I have gotten in contact with a real private investigator. He's pretty steep...$500 deposit and $60 an hour after that. Not sure how I'll swing it, but I think I'm going to be glad I did.


Best move I ever made, and if you can get one that cheap, you better jump on it.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Yay, Katy is on! Ugh so glad to be in the company of you guys this morning.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Okay, I will take my wedding ring off on my lunch break today. Also, I just changed my password to my "our" online banking account. He has already moved all of his money to another account. He sent me a text that said he was "shocked" I did that. Uhhhh.....duh?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

WeepingWillow said:


> Okay, I will take my wedding ring off on my lunch break today. Also, I just changed my password to my "our" online banking account. He has already moved all of his money to another account. He sent me a text that said he was "shocked" I did that. Uhhhh.....duh?


It may be a good idea to create another account, completely, to which he does not have access. They get pretty desperate, and do stupid things, in these "fogs". My STBX cleaned me out, last September, just because he still had access to the account, after I pissed him off.

His text to you proves just how delusional he is. Wayward spouses believe, regardless of their actions, that the betrayed spouse will sit around and wait on them to finish having fun. Kudos to you, for busting his balls. You rock, girl! :smthumbup:


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_There is no pain like this. My heart actually hurts. My fingers ache, my chests needs more oxygen from what feels like an elephant sitting on my chest, my anxiety is so bad that I can barely close my eyes at night. Really, I am so sorry you didn't get what you wanted in the end. I know I will never trust again_

I can relate to the anxiety. It was getting to the point that I could neither work or sleep. I got meds for both issues, you might want to look into that as a temporary thing to help get you through.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> _There is no pain like this. My heart actually hurts. My fingers ache, my chests needs more oxygen from what feels like an elephant sitting on my chest, my anxiety is so bad that I can barely close my eyes at night. Really, I am so sorry you didn't get what you wanted in the end. I know I will never trust again_
> 
> I can relate to the anxiety. It was getting to the point that I could neither work or sleep. I got meds for both issues, you might want to look into that as a temporary thing to help get you through.


I've really considered it, but I rarely take medications. I am still breastfeeding my daughter which makes me even more leery to take any medicines. I'm hopeful that I will be able to get the pain under control soon.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

I guess I was just extremely naïve to believe that a stranger could just come in and make him change his mind like this so quickly. He continues to say that this is not about the other woman, and that our marriage has been over for months. I think back to the beginning of the year until now. I remember some really amazing times. I really a lot of special moments. I remember him being my rock, and making sure I knew that. I can remember being the same for him, and he knew it. I also remember some petty fights. I take responsibility for my lack of affection some nights, I take responsibility for being a ***** some evenings after work when my day was extremely stressful but I will not take full responsibility for what he chose to do. He never told me he felt any differently than what he was displaying to me which was total 100% commitment and love. He was my rock.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

WW,

Now that you know exactly what is going on you should post a new thread in the "coping with infidelity" section that describes the current situation.

I was hoping it was something else. Sorry.

IMHO, at this point in time, you should go nuclear.

I forget the specific term that is used for it here, but your husband is trying to move from one marriage to another with no single time in between. This is very appealing to some people who need to be in a relationship. 

You must do everything in your power to ensure he has no place to go (and no one to go to) if he decides to leave your marriage. You have to leave him standing on the edge of the cliff by himself, looking down into the dark abyss, and thinking to himself "Oh my God, what have I done?" 

That means you MUST blow up his relationship with the OW. 

Contact the OW's parents, brothers, sisters, and even co-workers and employer and let them know she is breaking up the marriage of a man who has an infant child. If it destroys her relationship with her family; causes her problems at work (or even causes her to lose her job)--so what? You should view this as a fight to the death--the death of either your marriage or her upcoming marriage to your husband. 

You have an 18 moth old child. If it's really the center of your world then fight for its future. Either make this other woman's life hell or allow her to make your child's life hell by stealing its father away from it. 

Who's life is going to be hell: the OW's or your child's?

Do the same for your husband's family, friends, and co-workers. Again, if it destroys his relationships with them or even causes him to lose his job--so what? You are trying to push him to the edge of the cliff; you are trying to make him realize that leaving his family was a huge mistake.

Get an attorney. Make it clear that you are going to nail him to the wall in a divorce. Make it clear that for the next 20 years he is going to be poor, because all his income will be going to support the wife and child he abandoned.

Again, you are trying to open his eyes to what a huge mistake he is making.

Right now he is living in a future fantasy world with this OW. Until you destroy his fantasy future, he won't come out of his fog and come to his senses.

It's time for you to get angry and go nuclear. 

Make this a no holds bared, knock down, drag out, fight to the death. Because, as far as your marriage and child's future is concerned, that's exactly what it is.


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

This will more than likely be my last post here, but I do plan to check back for any replies....

I blew the affair wide open tonight. She called while I was in the car with him. His new Dodge Charger. The bluetooth came up on his touch screen. "Baby Girl Kate" showed up as an incoming call. I lost it. We were on our drive to "talk" and see where both of our hearts were. I seriously wanted to be sick. I demanded he take me home. I now know who she is and where she works. She is a 22 year old waitress, with no college background. My eyes are wide open now, and my heart is completely out of this relationship. He chose her. Why? I don't know, but I suspect he will really regret this someday. Or maybe he won't. I can't predict anything he will do. I just know that I have no choice now but to move on and be my 15 month old daughter's rock. 

I want nothing from him except to be the best dad he can be for her. Many say I will regret this, but I don't even want child support. My daughter deserves to have two succesful parents and my goal is not to ruin him financially. The truth is I came into the relationship with most of the money, and my career is far enough along that I will be able to provide for her.

He is the lowest of low in my book but to my daughter he is and always will be daddy.

So that's it. He is "Baby Girl Kate's" problem now. Thank you to each of you for your kind, honest, and oh so valuable input. I will never forget it. Time heals all wounds? I guess we will see. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 28down (Feb 26, 2013)

Don't let him off the hook! Two places a man feels it, between his legs and in his wallet. Kick one and empty the other. Your choice as to which!! Nail him for your daughters sake! What if you lose your job and have no child support or better yet, don't let him spend your daughters money supporting "Baby Girl Kate" A weasel like him doesn't deserve you!


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Thank you. Guess I am going to respond because sleep isn't an option tonight. 

If I lose my job I will find another. That's why I got my degree. My daughter will have everything she will ever want and need because I won't let myself fail. She can form her own opinion of him as time goes on. How he spends his money is of no concern to me. I just really have this overwhelming urge to be completely independent and that means I have zero desire to accept anything he offers. He can contribute by adding to a college fund for her. 

Oh God I hurt for her. I never wanted this life for her. I hope I can be everything she needs in a mom and then some.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

WeepingWillow- as much as think you can start to move on- please continue to use this fantastic website, as the roller coaster has literally just started. There's going to be lots of ups and downs to come over the next few days/weeks- and trust me, it's safer to rant and ask for advice on here than in private or to your ex (as I've discovered much to my cost.

The fact that you've accepted today is brilliant start- it took me 10 weeks to respond with cool indifference to my STBXH. But when you do get there golly it's empowering! Be strong for your daughter, in years to come, she'll see what being a strong roll model is like and she'll be proud of you for that!

Keep in touch!


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## 28down (Feb 26, 2013)

With such a great attitude as that, you will surely succeed! I just don't understand how a man could do something like that! You are too kind to him.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

WW~
I feel your pain. Be strong!
VH


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## WeepingWillow (May 22, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> WW,
> 
> Now that you know exactly what is going on you should post a new thread in the "coping with infidelity" section that describes the current situation.
> 
> ...


Firefly,
I wanted to come back here and tell you thank you for your advice. I followed what you posted above to a T. Things are far from perfect, but I exposed that affair like you wouldn't believe. I pushed him to the edge of the cliff or as close to the edge as possible. I did end up in an attorney's office, and while we didn't end up getting a divorce....I know that if I had not taken the steps you paved for me, then we wouldn't be anywhere near we are today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :smthumbup:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WeepingWillow said:


> Firefly,
> I wanted to come back here and tell you thank you for your advice. I followed what you posted above to a T. Things are far from perfect, but I exposed that affair like you wouldn't believe. I pushed him to the edge of the cliff or as close to the edge as possible. I did end up in an attorney's office, and while we didn't end up getting a divorce....I know that if I had not taken the steps you paved for me, then we wouldn't be anywhere near we are today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :smthumbup:


Great job Willow.

So many are afraid of offending a walkaway spouse.

Reading your story confirms that blowing it up is the right way to go.


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