# Hiding from postpartum depression



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

Since I've been on this site, I've had quite a few people suggest I may be struggling with PPD. At first I would have never humored the thought. I thought PPD was when you have negative feelings towards your baby and just crying all day long. After doing a lot of reading I realized that's only one version of PPD. Here's my version. It's really hard to explain cause it's really just a state of mind. I always thought that postpartum depression was like having negative feeling towards your baby and just crying all day but that's not it at all. I love my baby like nothing else in this world. So it's nothing to do with her, but I just feel unhappy alot. I feel really insecure. Like washed up and used. Like old news or something. I feel like I completely lost myself and just became this robot of a person who just does her everyday duties as a mom and wife and there's nothing else to me. I don't even know who I am. I used to be funny. I used to crack jokes all the time and be super carefree and never cared what anyone thought. Now I'm just a miserable ***** who has a ****ty attitude all the time. It's so bad that my husnand told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore if my attitude is always gonna be this ****ty. I had all my stuff packed this morning and really thought it was over. I guess I've been ***** to his family and he got sick of it and snapped on me last night which to be honest I totally understand why and he had every right. What kills me about it is that it's not like I want to be this person! I don't want to be a miserable ***** with a ****ty attitude that nobody likes! But I can't just walk around with a smile on my face and be a peach when I feel the way I do. Like sometimes when I really start thinking about it I think if it weren't for my daughter I wouldn't care if I lost my life. I would say my daughter and husband but I honestly feel like it wouldn't hurt him as much as her if I was gone. Like if someone told me I had 3 days to live I think I would be happy because I wouldn't have to keep living everyday doing the same thing trying to act like I'm ok because I don't want anybody to know how I really feel. I think what makes everything feel worse is that I don't know anyone who can relate or feels the same way. I'll have a good day or sometimes a few good days where I'd don't feel like this at all so then I tell myself I was just having a bad day but .. these feelings just come back over one little thing. For the record I'm not saying I'm suicidal because I could never ever do that to my daughter! I'm just saying I feel like other than my daughter I have nothing to live for. The real problem is I don't want to go to a doctor about this. I hate feeling like I have some disease and everyone pitys me or treats me different. And I don't really think anything any doctor could say or do would make me feel better. I really don't know how or why u feel the way I do. I always imagined this is when I would be my happiest. Now I'm so miserable my own husband doesn't even want to be with me anymore. I've never felt so low in my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It is very disappointing that your husband is not helping you. If he does leave you, will you be okay financially? Are you working? If not, can you go back to work?


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Nothing wrong with going to a doctor and seeking help for depression. I have (not PPD, I'm male), even though in the end the guy wouldn't write me a prescription. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I know you probably want the pride of working through it on your own. Humor me for a second, though. If going to the doctor means your daughter will have a happy mommy, wouldn't that make it worth it?


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

Well, he has no idea I'm suffering from it. I would by be fine financially but he would never leave me he just wanted my attitude to change and felt he had to make a drastic statement for me to understand the severity of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Megan140 said:


> Well, he has no idea I'm suffering from it. I would by be fine financially but he would never leave me he just wanted my attitude to change and felt he had to make a drastic statement for me to understand the severity of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So.

You know you have a problem. One shared by many new mothers. This is a giant realization! 

What are you going to do about it?

Here's what I would recommend:

#1 find a therapist to talk to about it
#2 tell your husband what's going on -- sounds like he has no idea
#3 let him take some of the slack as you deal with this
#4 focus on you -- your diet, your exercise, your sleep, all that positive stuff


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Megan140 said:


> Well, he has no idea I'm suffering from it. I would by be fine financially but he would never leave me he just wanted my attitude to change and felt he had to make a drastic statement for me to understand the severity of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you mind if I ask, what did you do before he threatened to divorce you?

Certainly work through your PPD and get help for it, no question there. I'm just trying to decide if you're really being rough on him or if he's just being a wimp.


----------



## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

So sorry you are having a difficult time. Adjusting to marriage, motherhood, body and emotional changes and recognizing that for the first time ever (since you maybe got a childhood puppy dog) something alive is going to be depending on you for a very long time. 

As Oprah or Dr. Phil says, "You can't do better, til you know better" The good news is Now you Know Better! You are already well on your way to overcoming this. You recognize yourself in things you have read about PDD. You recognize that you have been depressed and not like your usual self. You recognize you have been sh***Y with your husband and his family. You love your daughter & Husband, and you don't want to feel this way or at this way.

Show him your post. Show him the articles you've found on PDD. Tell him you need help. There are so many hormonal changes that take place before, during and after pregnancy, that PDD is not at all unusual. It is a medical problem that can be easily fixed. There is nothing wrong with you as a woman, a wife or a mom that can;'t be fixed with some attention. 

Call your Ob-Gyn and make a follow up appointment. In the meantime, google for a 30 day depression symptom chart. It will have about 30 days across the top and a list of many depressive symptoms down the side. For each of the next 30 days, you check each of the symptoms you are feeling. Even if your Dr appointment is just 7 - 10 days off, taking this chart with you to the office, will give your dr a justification for giving you some meds. There are many, many types of depression drugs on the market that are very inexpensive. Your Ob/gyn will know what works best and will start you on a very low dose. You will feel more energetic and upbeat within 2 weeks with little or no side effects. 

Don't be hard on yourself. You've been through a lot physically and emotionally. Please DO ask your husband and his family (and your family) for help and support. You can and will get through this. Do something now before things get worse or you suffer longer. I predict you will be off the meds before the end of the year and your little family will blossom.


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

I have held quite a bit of resentment towards his mom and sister since I've been pregnant cause they get all in my business and try to tell me what to do. Because of the resentment I am always spur faced around his family functions. On top of that, I just have a really negative attitude. Most things I say are negative rather than positive even mutual. We were leaving a family function and I guess he had finally had enough. Snapped on me and said a lot of mean things, including not wanting to be with me. I got up in the morning and started packing my stuff, when he got home from practice he said he didn't want me to leave he just wanted me to change my attitude. His feelings were hurt because he felt like I don't want to be apart of his family which is mostly true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

I like your information(rosaparks) but the main reason I won't go to a doctor is because I disagree with meds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Megan140 said:


> I have held quite a bit of resentment towards his mom and sister since I've been pregnant cause they get all in my business and try to tell me what to do. Because of the resentment I am always spur faced around his family functions. On top of that, I just have a really negative attitude. Most things I say are negative rather than positive even mutual. We were leaving a family function and I guess he had finally had enough. Snapped on me and said a lot of mean things, including not wanting to be with me. I got up in the morning and started packing my stuff, when he got home from practice he said he didn't want me to leave he just wanted me to change my attitude. His feelings were hurt because he felt like I don't want to be apart of his family which is mostly true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your behavior really doesn't sound that bad to me. Maybe my wife and I are just dysfunctional too. You sound very unhappy, though, so please do find a good therapist to talk to.

Please tell me your husband apologized for saying he didn't want to be with you.


----------



## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

I understand different people have different views on meds. Curious, Do you feel that way about all meds or just depression related meds? A good counselor may be able to help or a naturopath who can recommend natural remedies. I think the counselor may also be able to help you find ways to deal with your MIL and SIL. You have a lots of years ahead of necessary inter-relationships with them. Might as well get a good handle on it now. Good Luck to you.


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

@Megan140 

About your in-laws. It's okay to set some boundaries. Just because you're joined at the boob with their granddaughter/neice doesn't mean they own you. I agree with RosaParks, a therapist can help.

If it takes a while to get in though, I'll give you this advice for the meantime. Be assertive. Don't engage them when they're out of line, just tell them what they have to do to see your daughter and stick to it. Don't take crap from them and then hate them for it later.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ExiledBayStater said:


> Do you mind if I ask, what did you do before he threatened to divorce you?
> 
> Certainly work through your PPD and get help for it, no question there. I'm just trying to decide if you're really being rough on him or if *he's just being a wimp*.


I think it's the bolded.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Megan140 said:


> I have held quite a bit of resentment towards his mom and sister since I've been pregnant cause they get all in my business and try to tell me what to do. Because of the resentment I am always spur faced around his family functions. On top of that, I just have a really negative attitude. Most things I say are negative rather than positive even mutual. We were leaving a family function and I guess he had finally had enough. Snapped on me and said a lot of mean things, including not wanting to be with me. I got up in the morning and started packing my stuff, when he got home from practice he said he didn't want me to leave he just wanted me to change my attitude. His feelings were hurt because he felt like I don't want to be apart of his family which is mostly true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell him to persuade you to be a part of his family. You are not obliged to.

While you're at it, you could tell him he could change his attitude, too, to one of more compassion and empathy for his wife.

Glad to see you were willing to leave him, though. That shows gumption.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How old is your baby?


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Megan140 said:


> Since I've been on this site, I've had quite a few people suggest I may be struggling with PPD. At first I would have never humored the thought. I thought PPD was when you have negative feelings towards your baby and just crying all day long. After doing a lot of reading I realized that's only one version of PPD. Here's my version. It's really hard to explain cause it's really just a state of mind. I always thought that postpartum depression was like having negative feeling towards your baby and just crying all day but that's not it at all. I love my baby like nothing else in this world. So it's nothing to do with her, but I just feel unhappy alot. I feel really insecure. Like washed up and used. Like old news or something. I feel like I completely lost myself and just became this robot of a person who just does her everyday duties as a mom and wife and there's nothing else to me. I don't even know who I am. I used to be funny. I used to crack jokes all the time and be super carefree and never cared what anyone thought. Now I'm just a miserable ***** who has a ****ty attitude all the time. It's so bad that my husnand told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore if my attitude is always gonna be this ****ty. I had all my stuff packed this morning and really thought it was over. I guess I've been ***** to his family and he got sick of it and snapped on me last night which to be honest I totally understand why and he had every right. What kills me about it is that it's not like I want to be this person! I don't want to be a miserable ***** with a ****ty attitude that nobody likes! But I can't just walk around with a smile on my face and be a peach when I feel the way I do. Like sometimes when I really start thinking about it I think if it weren't for my daughter I wouldn't care if I lost my life. I would say my daughter and husband but I honestly feel like it wouldn't hurt him as much as her if I was gone. Like if someone told me I had 3 days to live I think I would be happy because I wouldn't have to keep living everyday doing the same thing trying to act like I'm ok because I don't want anybody to know how I really feel. I think what makes everything feel worse is that I don't know anyone who can relate or feels the same way. I'll have a good day or sometimes a few good days where I'd don't feel like this at all so then I tell myself I was just having a bad day but .. these feelings just come back over one little thing. For the record I'm not saying I'm suicidal because I could never ever do that to my daughter! I'm just saying I feel like other than my daughter I have nothing to live for. The real problem is I don't want to go to a doctor about this. I hate feeling like I have some disease and everyone pitys me or treats me different. And I don't really think anything any doctor could say or do would make me feel better. I really don't know how or why u feel the way I do. I always imagined this is when I would be my happiest. Now I'm so miserable my own husband doesn't even want to be with me anymore. I've never felt so low in my life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As a father of a newborn, I can relate how I help my partner. In my opinion, every mother (working or not) is likely overworked.

I do all the cooking and cleaning and give her as much sleep as she needs when I get home from work.

As it relates to emotional needs, you could really benefit from everyone understanding you. I studied my butt off when she was pregnant so that I was well prepared for the hormones and other factors that contribute to depression.

I don't think you necessarily need medicine. I think you need understanding and less of a burden.

Relationship Teacher


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Please go to your doctor, if these issues weren't there before, please get help. I destroyed my own life due to PPD. I live in emotional pain every day because I destroyed a great relationship because of my PPD.


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

Yes, he certainly did. He realized afterwards how much he hurt me. He just has really bad anger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

I feel that way about all meds mostly but I will take some if I can't cure something myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

She just turned 4 months
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

I completely agree, I just wish there was a 3rd party to explain this to my husband because it's different when I tell him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Megan140 said:


> I completely agree, I just wish there was a 3rd party to explain this to my husband because it's different when I tell him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, that's why a doctor can help you. A doctor can explain PPD to both of you. A doctor can help you with coping methods and a plan to get you back on track.

But you don't want to see a doctor and be treated "like you have a disease." So? You are waiting for magic to make you feel better? No one can help you if you don't help yourself.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I would recommend that you see a doctor that is familiar with PPD.
I have not personally had experience with PPD, but I do know that it's helpful to talk about depression, so starting this thread is a step in the right direction. Since you have acknowledged that you believe you have PPD and are seeking help, you will be able to overcome it. It seems to me, based on what you have written, that there are underlying issues that are contributing to the PPD. It's like that straw that broke the camel's back. There are issues going on with your husband and your relationship with his family that are making things difficult for you and it appears that you have had enough, but rather than facing it, you have stuffed it deeper. Anger can be a cause of depression. So can frustration and other emotions that are not faced and dealt with.
Don't stuff your feelings. Face them and do something about them. If you are having problems with his family, learning to set boundaries can be very helpful.


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Megan140 said:


> Yes, he certainly did. He realized afterwards how much he hurt me. He just has really bad anger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Do you feel safe with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Megan140 (Dec 22, 2015)

Yes, I feel safe with him. I wouldn't ever be with someone I was afraid of!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

