# Wife says to let "it" go



## Surfacing (Feb 21, 2014)

Hi everyone, wife and I have been married for eight years. She is a SAHM and we have two daughters (4,7). As with any marriage there have been ebs and flows. However we are at a point where she has said nothing can be done to help our our marriage. As a backdrop, I have struggled with alcohol and legal drug abuse for several years. I have been deceitful about my use and have promised multiple times to fix my issues. In addition, I have been guilty of emotionally checking out of our marriage. Ie..not talking, closing off in another room etc.. I however have always been physically there. Meaning I help around the house and she would even tell you that I am an excellent father. We have tried marriage counseling in the past with little success. 

My wife is a very strong willed and independent woman. She is typically very unforgiving, buries her feelings and can hold grudges. Because of this she can be very nasty in conversation or disputes. I have always taken issue with this. 

As I said, we are not at a good point. I think the years of deceit and mistrust in me have taken its toll on her. I have never been unfaithful and neither has she. But, I have gone out of my way to disguise my addiction. 

I am once and for all on my way to tackle my issues head on. It will be tough but my resolve is steadfast. I have seen a counselor and will be attending AA meetings this weekend. I realize I need help. In addition, I am seeing a psychologist next week to deal with my demons. I know that I must work on "me" before even thinking about working on "us." 

We have discussed separation but have nothing really set in stone. Right now we are amicable but there is no physical or real emotional attachment form her. She is just kind of there. Aside from dealing with me I have no idea on how to approach my marriage at this point. I guess thats why I am posting on this site. Should I try the whole 180 thing? Should I give in and just let her go? That is not what I want, but I do love her and at the end of the day I want her to be happy. If I had my choice I would want her to at least give me some time to deal with my problems and seek marriage counseling. Which by the way she has said she has no intention of doing. Has anyone been in a similar situation and succeeded in being a better man while showing your staunchly resolved wife that things can and do change? Just totally and completely lost right now.....


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Surfacing said:


> I am once and for all on my way to tackle my issues head on.


The question is, is it too late for her?

If I were you, I would bust my tail tackling your issues. Every day, do something to further you along that goal. If your wife wants to join your efforts in some way, that is a bonus, but don't force it on her or expect her to.

Don't think of "us" right now, think of you, your issues, and how you will make your life better. With luck, she will notice your efforts, and you will become an attractive option once again. But if the marriage fails, you will be in a much better spot for the next relationship.

Do not talk about the relationship, have no expectations of her. Let your actions be your voice going forward. And, if you do have success with this, it will take time. She has lived with your issues for a long long time and it will take a lot of effort on your part to prove to her you are a changed man.

My experience: My wife and I both brought a lot of crap into our relationship, and we didn't make it. However, I am in a wonderful relationship right now that would not have been possible without all the work I did. I am happy that I made the effort.


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## Surfacing (Feb 21, 2014)

She says it is too late. However, she said this during conversation this past weekend. It was just during the prior week that were seemingly in a good spot. She indicated that she wanted our marriage to be better than it was in the beginning. She even said that she wanted to have "big time" remarriage when things consistently improved. Then boom...on Sunday I get "just let it go" as I am pleading for marriage counseling again. Needless to say I am totally mind $&@?! right now. She has threatened to leave on multiple occasions but we have worked through it. She said that I did this and not her. Again, just really confused.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

If it ever comes up again, "I'm going to give this marriage the effort it deserves, even if I'm too late." Then, don't speak about it again.

Just bust your butt and SHOW her the changes.

Don't talk about it, and don't worry or get confused about what she's doing. Focus on what YOU are doing.


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## Surfacing (Feb 21, 2014)

Thanks for the advice Acorn. With having two little girls in the mix, it is agonizing to think what they will go through should things not work out. I want things to be better, I want things to workout, I want my children to have a family unit, I want my wife to love me again. I guess all I can do is focus on me at this point, pray and have hope. This really sucks...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No talk, 180 is wrong for this situation, read HNHN and employ its rules, both of you fill out its LB and EN questionnaires and you then stop all your LBs and meet her top 5 ENs - with gusto!, and spend 15 hours a week together without the kids and chores.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, are you a beta kind of guy?


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## Surfacing (Feb 21, 2014)

I would say yes, that I am more of beta than Alfa. And getting her to agree on anything about working on our marriage is virtually impossible. So, I am no sure that she will be interested in filling anything out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know her. YOU fill it out FOR her. The book/lists will guide you. 

Apparently, that's not your biggest problem, though. What you need is to read No More Mr Nice Guy as well as Hold On To Your N.U.T.S, and then Married Man Sex Life Primer (not about sex).

If you have a strong wife, you MUST become a strong husband. Or odds are good that she will cheat on you or divorce you. You simply HAVE to learn how to have your boundaries and enact consequences on her if she oversteps those boundaries. And none of that will happen until you stop being beta.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and here's the biggest secret man don't know until it's too late: If you're not an alpha, she will lose respect for you. Once she loses respect for you, OTHER men start to look more and more attractive - especially ones who will take what they want, even if she's a married woman.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Poking a timid nose in here..... I have never known an addict who I would describe as "beta". Addiction in the people I know makes these people so self centered, the addiction always comes first. How does an addict see themselves as a beta? In what way did their addiction not control the relationship dynamic? Addicts love to put themselves in the victim role to keep their addiction going or have reasons for their addiction. 

As the addict I would concentrate on you, your own recovery. You have no control over the recovery of the people hurt by your addiction. Consistent, trustworthy behavior over a long period of time is the only way to rebuild trust. Long as in years, not weeks or even months. Sorry you are having such a hard time....hang in there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've known lots of beta addicts, who are lured to drugs as a way to not HAVE to deal with other people. 

I think what you're saying is if he is VERY addicted, he's too busy getting his next fix to deal with the relationship. Fair enough, if that's the case. I got the sense, though, that this addiction wasn't running Surfacing's life?


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## Surfacing (Feb 21, 2014)

So I have a bigger issue with alcohol then the pills. I am not one of those that fakes injury in order to obtain. That said, I find myself abusing the medicine by mixing with the alcohol upon legal subscription. My wife has caught me doing this several times throughout our marriage. But again, the alcohol is a daily event. I guess you could classify me as a functional alcoholic. As far as the alpha/beta question....I am very Alfa in my job, as I have to be. But personally I tend to be introverted and would rather not keep a close circle of friends. My wife is quite the opposite in this regard. Hope that sheds some light.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

When people say that a man is too much of a nice guy, to me that means you are fulfilling your partners needs without having your needs met. I don't know many addicts who can fulfill the needs of others, they can't even help themselves. 

Even when addicts aren't using their substance the whole relationship dynamic is skewed. Everyone around them tries to help them so they don't 'have to' use. People who say they are a functioning alcoholic don't realize that the sick dynamic in their relationship is ongoing, whether you are drunk or not. 

I just don't think doing some 180 is going to help. You need to help yourself first, learn how to be a good, healthy person. Do the things you should have always been doing. If your partner sees this they may or may not learn to trust again. It really does take a sincere change over a long period of time to earn back trust.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Surfacing said:


> Hi everyone, wife and I have been married for eight years. She is a SAHM and we have two daughters (4,7). As with any marriage there have been ebs and flows. However we are at a point where she has said nothing can be done to help our our marriage. As a backdrop, I have struggled with alcohol and legal drug abuse for several years. I have been deceitful about my use and have promised multiple times to fix my issues. In addition, I have been guilty of emotionally checking out of our marriage. Ie..not talking, closing off in another room etc.. I however have always been physically there. Meaning I help around the house and she would even tell you that I am an excellent father. We have tried marriage counseling in the past with little success.
> 
> My wife is a very strong willed and independent woman. She is typically very unforgiving, buries her feelings and can hold grudges. Because of this she can be very nasty in conversation or disputes. I have always taken issue with this.
> 
> ...


OP, I highlighted a couple things that stood out to me. As with most addicts, you have no idea how much your addiction has affected your relationship. I completely understand why your wife won't go to counseling. She has tried it before, and really, the problem isn't her, it is you.

Although you admit to your problem, I notice that you point out her flaws that really bug you. I wonder who you are focusing on changing, you or her.

Also, your resolve to once and for all tackle this, shows that you, and her, have been down this road before. You are going to have to really put in this time and show success. She is likely not going to believe you until you have concurred this for a lonnnng time.

Living with an alcoholic is so stressful, even if they are a functional alcoholic. Being physically there just ain't good enough. A marriage isn't about just showing up. Again, there is no way you will ever know what life has been like in her shoes. 

I guess my only suggestion is to keep your resolve, no matter what happens between you and her, you still have your kids to think of. And no matter how good of a dad you think you are, the old alcoholic you will not be able to compete with the new sober you, if you know what I mean. Keep plugged in, figure out where you can ease her life a bit and do it.

Good luck on your recovery.....


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Surfacing said:


> She says it is too late. However, she said this during conversation this past weekend. It was just during the prior week that were seemingly in a good spot. She indicated that she wanted our marriage to be better than it was in the beginning. She even said that she wanted to have "big time" remarriage when things consistently improved. Then boom...on Sunday I get "just let it go" as I am pleading for marriage counseling again. Needless to say I am totally mind $&@?! right now. She has threatened to leave on multiple occasions but we have worked through it. She said that I did this and not her. Again, just really confused.


She doesn't think you'll ever change or that you can. That's why she says it's over. Balls in your court.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, here are a couple articles you might want to take a look at:

Alcoholism in Families: Impact on Children
Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics


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## Surfacing (Feb 21, 2014)

Thank you all for the sound advice. This will be a struggle. I know I have the preponderance of blame in this situation. Time to deal with something that should have been addressed long ago. As it stands we are on okay speaking terms and going through with our routine as normal. But there is certainly an 800 pound gorilla in the room. I am just going to start this road to recovery, get my head screwed on straight and hope she sees that I am going to get through this and come out a better person. I can't change the past, don't know what the future holds.....but I have now. Again, thanks all.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

This is the bed you've made for yourself. Your addictive behavior will most likely result in the break-up of your family.

Addicts usually don't address their problem until something like this happens.

Personally, I wouldn't blame your wife for taking the kids and leaving. My father was an alcoholic. It's unfair for children being raised in that environment.

You have one priority:

*Get clean.*

Until this happens, all talk about your marriage and family is pointless. Your wife is not obligated to stick by a self-destructive husband/father.


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