# Back again.....maybe it is all my fault



## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

I hoped that he was past all this after the almost marriage ending fights we've had. This time he said I was the most selfish, lazy wife ever. Any guesses why? It was because I don't want to make an x-rated video of myself. Or more accurately, because I haven't already. The reason I ask if maybe it's my own fault is because I have done things before that I really didn't want to do to keep the peace. Some things I'm still ashamed about because he made me said "If you love me just do it." Now I'm finally finding the strength to stand up if I don't want to do something and the verbal slams start immediately. Sometimes makes me feel like I should just do whatever he wants so he'll be happy


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Or be happy by leaving him. If this is what you think a good marriage is, you have no idea what you are missing.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

His demand is unreasonable and juvenile.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If your husband is satisfied with you as a lover, except for the fact that you won't make a video, then he's being unreasonable. It's stupid to claim that your sex life is a B, but if you won't make a video, then it's an F.

If your husband is dissatisfied with you as a lover (for example, if you only have unenthusiastic sex twice a month) then your refusal to make the video may just be a symptom, for him, of his general dissatisfaction. In that case, you may share some (perhaps even a large potion) of the blame.

If your situation is close to my first scenario, then you can either give in (which probably won't make you happy) or stand up to him (which probably won't make him happy). If your situation is close to my second scenario, then some counseling may help you root out the causes of your rift.

Good luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sounds like he's a real piece of work

Time to re-evaluate why your with him and what your options are, both short term and long term.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> Not sure why someone needs a video. He has you. I believe that is better than any cold video could ever be.


That's like asking why someone needs pictures of their wedding. Weren't you there? Why do you need pictures of your kids on the walls. Don't you see them every day?


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I seem to be odd man out, as I feel a husband and wife should do whatever it is they need in a relationship, especially sexually, as long as it is just between him and her. 

It's childish he is upset but I do understand his frustration.


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## noira (Jul 17, 2012)

I think his behaviour is terrible esp if you don't want to do it. Calling your wife selfish and Lazy because she does not want to make a video is uncalled-for!! You should be allowed to keep your sex life in a comfortable zone where both of you are happy and not one sided.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

hbgirl said:


> "If you love me just do it."


Best way to fight verbal abuse is to counter it with logic and staunch poise. Your retort can be constructed as such: 

"If YOU loved me, you would respect my choices rather than selfishly manipulate me with guilt to try and fulfill your own erotic agenda. Or perhaps asking you to respect your wife like a REAL MAN would is beyond your capability???"


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

hbgirl said:


> Sometimes makes me feel like I should just do whatever he wants so he'll be happy


But are YOU happy?


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> Best way to fight verbal abuse is to counter it with logic and staunch poise. Your retort can be constructed as such:
> 
> "If YOU loved me, you would respect my choices rather than selfishly manipulate me with guilt to try and fulfill your own erotic agenda. Or perhaps asking you to respect your wife like a REAL MAN would is beyond your capability???"


Why he called you lazy is not attributable to not consenting to an x video. Maybe he is not satisfied on some other front.

As for X-video it is neither childish nor an unreasonable request, as long as you trust him not to leak it on the internet if thats what you are worried about... Else why not if there is no reason. I would consider that selfish too..... I am just speaking my mind here... and I do not want to mince words.

IMO its a fun thing and why deny it even though it is childish... Its good to be childish or childlike sometimes to relieve yourself of the daily monotonous rigmarole.

If you do not trust him enough then dont do it else this is not a thing to fight for your rights about.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I also agree the request itself isn't unreasonable. His reply to your denial is however.

Some people just have a natural adversion to being on film. Whether its because they hate how they look or it's because they worry their SO will do something with those photos/videos is another issue. So the original posters shouldn't be blamed either, nor is it unreasonable for her to say no to a video.

The only thing wrong in all of this is how the husband overreacted in a negative way to her refusal to do something she is clearly uncomfortable doing.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

ukv said:


> Why he called you lazy is not attributable to not consenting to an x video. Maybe he is not satisfied on some other front.
> 
> As for X-video it is neither childish nor an unreasonable request, as long as you trust him not to leak it on the internet if thats what you are worried about... Else why not if there is no reason. I would consider that selfish too..... I am just speaking my mind here... and I do not want to mince words.
> 
> ...


Personally, I consider myself sexually adventurous, however, my personal boundary is not to film myself having sex, or being sexual on film... Won't happen. It's not selfish, it's called respecting one's own boundaries. And the context in which the OP has presented the problem, reiterating to her that she is selfish is destructive. If a spouse asks another spouse to do something above and beyond, sexually, and the spouse declines, lashing out at the declining spouse is selfish, childish and disrespectful. 

ETA: kingsfan said it better.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> Guess I consider pictures of my wedding or of my children as different from films of my wife and I performing sex acts on each other.


They're all momentos. If you look at the videos or pictures, you feel happy. You remember a good time.

Sex videos also have the ability to stand in at any time. If your wife isn't interested in sex, you've got a video of her ready to view.



2ntnuf said:


> Don't think I would hang anything from those films on the wall. Sure would be a conversation starter though wouldn't it?


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