# Shed some light on H's attitude



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I will try to make this as short as possible. Some of you already know my story.

Every time I start feeling closer to my husband ( I have been really disconnected from him for quite sometime.) He starts **** with me We take 2 steps forward and when he pulls his **** i take 4 steps back.. And start feeling disconnected from him again.I can never seem to get ahead, before he pulls his **** again.. And it always seems to be after we have sex, not right away but, a few hours later. We will go 3 weeks without having sex, things seem ok but as soon as we have sex it starts over again, he starts his **** over again, picking fights with me. I should have to sit there and take his **** and him yelling at me for really no reason at all.


I have asked him several times what his problem is and he tells me nothing over and over again. 

I am at a loss of what is going on and was hoping that maybe you guys can shed some light on it. 

I am tired of this cycle, i really am getting really fed up with all of it. I am tired of feeling like **** all the time and i am tired of feeling like i dont mean **** to him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does he pick fights right after sex, or is it hours, or the next day?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I will try to make this as short as possible. Some of you already know my story.
> 
> Every time I start feeling closer to my husband ( I have been really disconnected from him for quite sometime.) He starts **** with me We take 2 steps forward and when he pulls his **** i take 4 steps back.. And start feeling disconnected from him again.I can never seem to get ahead, before he pulls his **** again.. And it always seems to be after we have sex, not right away but, a few hours later. We will go 3 weeks without having sex, things seem ok but as soon as we have sex it starts over again, he starts his **** over again, picking fights with me. I should have to sit there and take his **** and him yelling at me for really no reason at all.
> 
> ...



You haven't expressed limits in regards to his behavior...there are no consequences for his continuation of this cycle.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Does he pick fights right after sex, or is it hours, or the next day?


It is hours later..


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You haven't expressed limits in regards to his behavior...there are no consequences for his continuation of this cycle.


I have told him that if this behavior continues that i am going to leave.. And since his behavior has not changed. Looks like I will be packing mine and my sons stuff in a couple of months and let him face the consequences of his behavior.

He is like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

It is like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide type of thing.. I just cant deal with it any more and the more he does it the more i shut down and withdraw from him. I guess he likes to see me emotionally ****ed up, cuz that is exactly what he is doing. Nothing like getting on emotional roller coaster ride... and i can't seem to get off of the ****ing thing. This is so not what i signed up for when i married him. He was a totally different person now then when i married him. I don't even know him anymore.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Other than saying "its' not normal" - I'm not sure what to say.

Sorry...


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

ladybird said:


> *We* take 2 steps forward and when he pulls his **** *i* take 4 steps back..


Is this part just a type-o, or is there more to this?


How is the sex life? Regular volume, spontaneous or an "every thursday night" arrangement? Do you guys experiment? Is it kinky? What are you wearing right now???


Well, I dont expect you to answer those questions. But you mention its after sex, so I assume that you assume it has something to do with sex. Otherwise I wouldnt bring sex up... sex.


Often times wives understand their husbands sexual desires, but not really. A lot of men arent good at communicating sexual interest with their spouse due to shame or assuming their wife will look at them differently. "You want me to do what??? With that??? Your disgusting!!!"

I recall, back in my nice days I would routinely get upset with wife after sex. Not overly upset, I wasnt crying or anything, but she could tell I was a little moody. I built up that specific sexual encounter into something grand, and all I got was vanilla with the lights off, so I was bummed out.

I never communicated exactly what I wanted in the bedroom, no frank discussions about sex. I assumed that she would give me what I wanted, and she assumed that she was.

Does this sound possible to your situation?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> Is this part just a type-o, or is there more to this?
> 
> 
> How is the sex life? Regular volume, spontaneous or an "every thursday night" arrangement? Do you guys experiment? Is it kinky? What are you wearing right now???
> ...


Our sex life sucks, to be honest. the last time i tried to experiment sexually and get kinky with him he had an issue with it... I bought a toy, like a surprise for him. come to find out he had an issue with the toy. So i threw it out. We have sex anywhere from a couple of times a week to once a month or longer, It varies. I want sex all the time and well he doesn't. More times then not, i get nothing out of having sex with him, and it is not always about the big O for me. Even though it would be nice if it were a lot more.

as far as this You want me to do what??? With that??? Your disgusting. i am willing to try pretty much anything once, sexually. He knows this. That does not include bringing someone else in.

I am tired of it, if is about sex then he needs to open his mouth and not expect me to know.. I am not a mind reader. Even if it is unrelated to sex he still needs to open his mouth, cuz i am about ready to walk out the door.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SockPuppet said:


> Is this part just a type-o, or is there more to this?


What I meant was. I start to feel closer to him, then he pulls his **** and i am back at square one, because i withdraw from him and the closeness i felt is gone again. and the process starts over. 

Does that make any sense whatsoever?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Other than saying "its' not normal" - I'm not sure what to say.
> 
> Sorry...


I know is not normal. I am really at a loss on what to do short of asking him again and getting the same response over and over.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

ladybird said:


> I know is not normal. I am really at a loss on what to do short of asking him again and getting the same response over and over.


My old "stand-by" - kick him in the balls!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Tonight he went to bed early and locked my son and I out of the bedroom. GRRRR. Looks like we are sleeping on the couch tonight.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hes intimadated because you more sexual than him and subconsiouly he knows he not pleasing you so he lashes out in anger.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

ladybird said:


> Tonight he went to bed early and locked my son and I out of the bedroom. GRRRR. Looks like we are sleeping on the couch tonight.


If you have a place to go, I would pack a bag and leave with your son and let your H know that once he seeks some sort of sex therapy, you will agree to come home. If you don't have a place to go, I would move into a spare room if you have one. Either way, the pattern needs to stop. Does your H notice this pattern at all?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

ladybird said:


> Tonight he went to bed early and locked my son and I out of the bedroom. GRRRR. Looks like we are sleeping on the couch tonight.


What do you mean locked you *and my son* out of the bedroom? You child isn't sleep with the two of you, is he? That would get my ire up to begin with and certainly is a turn off to any sexual expression....


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

He has a fear of intimacy/commitment/closeness. This is classic behavior of a commitmentphobe. They get close, because that is what they want, but when they start to feel closer, they freak out because it makes them feel vulnerable, scared, anxious, suffocated, or all of those things together. So then they create distance in the relationship through being cold, distant, cheating, abusing alcohol, staying out late with friends, etc.

This problem usually stems from childhood. Has your husband experienced loss, abuse, or dysfunction in childhood? This is usually the case. What happens is kids develop ways to protect themselves when they are young and when they become adults, those coping strategies stay with them, even if they are not necessary always. It takes good therapy to push past those fears and to learn how to feel comfortable and safe with emotional closeness. Only your husband knows if he's willing and able to do the work necessary.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Ladybird, I agree with Laurae that you seem to be describing a man who has a fear of engulfment, i.e., the suffocating feeling that accompanies intimacy. Such a person usually has a fragile self image and therefore feels like he is vanishing into thin air, losing himself in your strong personality, during intimacy. At a conscious level, he would experience it as your dominating and controlling him -- taking him over. My exW was that way.

The result is that, immediately following intimacy, he will create arguments over nothing to push you away, giving him breathing room. Moreover, because this "projection" of his problem onto you works at his subconscious level, he will really believe that the argument is justified (never mind that it is ridiculous on its face).

Yet, if this is what is occurring, you should also be seeing such meaningless arguments arising after other forms of intimacy -- not just after sex. That is, it should also be happening after the two of you have a wonderful weekend together or a great evening out by yourselves. The trigger for the fear is not the sex per se but, rather, any truly intimate encounter between you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

KanDo said:


> What do you mean locked you *and my son* out of the bedroom? You child isn't sleep with the two of you, is he? That would get my ire up to begin with and certainly is a turn off to any sexual expression....


no he sleeps in his own bed, but in the same room.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> He has a fear of intimacy/commitment/closeness. This is classic behavior of a commitmentphobe. They get close, because that is what they want, but when they start to feel closer, they freak out because it makes them feel vulnerable, scared, anxious, suffocated, or all of those things together. So then they create distance in the relationship through being cold, distant, cheating, abusing alcohol, staying out late with friends, etc.
> 
> This problem usually stems from childhood. Has your husband experienced loss, abuse, or dysfunction in childhood? This is usually the case. What happens is kids develop ways to protect themselves when they are young and when they become adults, those coping strategies stay with them, even if they are not necessary always. It takes good therapy to push past those fears and to learn how to feel comfortable and safe with emotional closeness. Only your husband knows if he's willing and able to do the work necessary.


My husband does have a very dysfunctional family. He is not close to any of his siblings (he is the youngest of 7)


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

The thing is, it wasn't like this before.. This all started about 2 years ago. 

Got in to a fight again last night (didn't have sex) He had an attitude and I asked him what was wrong. He ignored me so I asked him again.
He said I don't have to tell you, you aren't my mother. I said no I am not your mother, but I am your wife. He said then act like it. He then told me to get out of his face (i wasn't in his face.) He called me the C word. 

I am tired of this.. We never used to fight, but maybe once a year if that. He keeps pushing me away. 

Then this morning. He acted like nothing happened as always. I haven't talked to him since everything happened.. He expects me to just let it go, after he was an ******* for no reason. I am not going to let it go not this time.

Nothing i say or do is ever good enough.

I think my marriage is over.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Personally I think you should separate and decide what you both want/need in a relationship. He sounds like he's very disrespectful and also abusive verbally/emotionally. Sometimes you have to wonder if it's worth all the games and stress, you know?

I would separate and tell him that you aren't coming back until he seeks counseling (marriage, or individual).


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

ladybird said:


> no he sleeps in his own bed, but in the same room.


I take it that this means your place doesn't have a separate room for the child? 

Oh dear! I could see some possible issues with this one. Is there anywhere else the child could sleep?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Dadof3 said:


> I take it that this means your place doesn't have a separate room for the child?
> 
> Oh dear! I could see some possible issues with this one. Is there anywhere else the child could sleep?


Our son still sleeps in our room because my husband doesn't want him in his own room.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ladybird said:


> The thing is, it wasn't like this before.. This all started about 2 years ago.
> 
> Got in to a fight again last night (didn't have sex) He had an attitude and I asked him what was wrong. He ignored me so I asked him again.
> He said I don't have to tell you, you aren't my mother. I said no I am not your mother, but I am your wife. He said then act like it. He then told me to get out of his face (i wasn't in his face.) He called me the C word.
> ...


I am sorry you are at this point. Separation may not be a bad thing, in that it will show your husband what life will be like without you. Of course, you may decide you like things separated better as well.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am sorry you are at this point. Separation may not be a bad thing, in that it will show your husband what life will be like without you. Of course, you may decide you like things separated better as well.


The point i am at has been coming for a long time. I have tried to make my marriage work, but i have been the only one trying.

I have looked at the process for divorce, I found a video on the process. I am sure that he will fight all the way. He told me that he will fight for custody of our son, if I were to leave him, It will be a major battle, if he does follow through with his threat.

I have always been my son's caregiver, my husband doesn't help with him.. I can't see how they would give him custody and our son really wants nothing to do with him anyway. Our son is a mamma's boy.

My plan was to leave him in feb, after we get our income tax back. I was going to take half of it and stay with my mom. I dont know if i can wait that long, but i am going to try to stick to my plan... 

I am currently looking for a job, just to get my foot in the door, so i dont have to worry about not having a job when i leave. I will have some kind of income.

There goes 14 years of my life down the toilet. 14 years i can never get back.

Once I leave, i am done.. There would be no chance to R. Doesn't matter if he does a 180 degree turn.


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