# Where do I go from here?



## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

Let me start out with this... I cheated. My affair was the emotional kind. I am not proud of it and every day I beat myself up over it. I am a good person and I made a mistake that I will continue to pay for. There is not a day that goes by that I don't regret it. At some point, that line from being just friends was crossed. I honestly did not see it at first. We had been becoming friends for months before that line was crossed... it started out with extra emails to more text messages. The relationship was strictly electronic. The only time I actually saw him was for work functions and even then, I didn't think much of it. Once I actually realized what was happening, I ended it. When I look back, the actually "having feelings" part only lasted about 2 months. You can actually be blind to things... whether it was intentional or not, I'm not sure but in my mind, it was justified at the time. A week or two before I ended it, we actually said I love you to each other. How can you feel something like love for someone when you haven’t actually been together? At the time, because of where I was in my marriage and where he was in his marriage (yes he was/is married too) it just felt nice to have someone make you feel good about something... even when we both knew it was wrong. He was good about ending it. It was easy to end things too... which was surprising to me. Only because if I really loved him, wouldn't it have been harder than it was? I still had to see him on a regular basis because of our jobs and we were on a council together. We avoided one another as much as possible. Our children go to the same childcare center and occasional I run into him but we look past and don’t even acknowledge one another. It is easy and sometimes makes me question if I really felt something or if I just wanted to feel something. I don’t know... but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I cheated. 

My husband and I have been married almost 7 years this year. The last 3 or so years have been hell. The last year has been the hardest but it is because of what I did. We had been separated when my friendship crossed that line. I do think I was lonely and needed a distraction and well, I had it. I hurt my husband more than I even realize. He says that I rug sweep.... and honestly, I do. Being able to bottle things up and push them down is how I always have had to deal with things... so of course, that was my method of choice when it came to dealing with this. The affair came out almost a year ago. I do not make things easy. I am naturally a defensive person and I am stubborn and pigheaded. I never looked at what happened as being selfish, but the more I look into it... I have/had been. My first husband had cheated on me and in an instant, I left. My husband now, he made the choice to stay and try to work through it. This is def the hardest thing for either of us. He doesn't trust me, and I can't blame him. He keeps saying that he needs something from me but he doesn’t know what it is and that I am the one who needs to figure out what it is that he needs. Quite honestly, it makes me mad everything that he says it because I don’t think it is fair...but what isn't fair is that I put us into this situation to begin with. 
A couple days ago, he asked me to leave him and my two girls (ages 7 and 4). I have been a wreck and I feel like a walking zombie. I had honestly thought that over the last couple of months everything had been getting better finally and I was falling in love with him again... a feeling that I hadn't felt for him in so many years and bam. He tells me he isn’t happy and isn’t sure if this is what he wants. He tells me that he despises me and that I disgust him. I can’t get upset over that.... he has every right to "hate" me... I honestly hate myself for being the cause of so much hurt. There is nothing more in this world that I want... to be with him and my family. I have never been alone. I made this realization over the last 24 hours and I've never been alone. I have been overseas or sent to schools or whatever, but never actually alone when I am home. Maybe this is what I needed to be able to confront everything that I have been neglecting. I have made terrible choices and he has every right to be pissed off at me. I see him as a better person as me because if our roles were reversed, I might have done what I did the first time with my ex and ran. I miss him and I want to go back home. I don’t know what steps I need to take in order to do this. He still loves me and even told me today that he wanted so badly to ask me home but he isn’t going to. Not until I figure out not only myself, but to figure out what it is that he needs... even though he has no idea what that is. I have made a mistake and I will always be aware of that... trust me when I say I am my own worst enemy...because I really am. 
If I am a bad person because the only way I can deal with things is to push it down, then I am a bad person. I have been going to counseling and we have been going to marriage counseling as well. Not sure if it is really helping us but at least we were trying. He gave me a second chance that not many people get and I am so incredibly grateful for that. I'm nervous to use something like this... but my husband suggested it. I've read through some posts over the last day or so and I can appreciate the straight forwardness that people offer... even if it is hard to hear. I'm not one to go read a book to help fix problems... I've always been against it but I actually broke down and went and bought one. It is actually shedding some light on things. As much as it hurts to not be with my family right now, maybe this is what needed to happen... I'm so incredibly lost... Putting my business out there is not easy for me either. I don’t like doing it on a normal basis and putting something like this out on the internet... on a forum that is pretty harsh on cheaters like me... pushing submit is going to be difficult... but I don't know what else to do... Now, where do I go from here?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You were separated when you had your EA or your EA caused your separation??
I'm a little confused in this part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

It is all a little muddled. I wanted a divorce. We seperated. The guy I had the EA with... we had been friends for a few months before all this but it didn't get really involved until after I had told my husband I wanted a divorce. I don't really know what made that relationship change but it did.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It takes guts for a cheater to come here and ask for help. You will get it, along with a bunch of crap. Listen for the nuggets of truth, they will help you. Do your best to let the crap pass.

Be honest, with yourself, and with him. Always. You need to trust him to deal with the truth as you see it, and to be able to have productive conversations based on the truth.

Ask that he be honest with you. Always.

Do not rugsweep. Face up to your choice, and get to the root of the matter. At the time you made your choice, you felt entitled to, wanted to, were selfish enough too, didn't care if it would hurt your husband or family, and you did it. Get real, you knew exactly when you crossed the line. You made the choice because it felt good.

You need to let go of any attachment to specific outcomes. You can only control yourself. Act as if you were the person you want to be. Think about the choices you make everyday, and choose the ones that take you closer to being the honest, trustworthy person you want to be. Every single day. Be consistent. Have integrity.

Let go of the poor choices you made. Learn the lessons they offer, but stop beating yourself up over them. That said, you need to discuss them honestly with your husband until he is ready to let go too. Or not, that is his choice to make.

Discover your self worth. You need to love yourself before anyone else truly can. You need to present your true unblemished self to your husband. You need to realize that you are enough. You need to do that for yourself, even if he concludes that you are not enough for him.

You're not one for books, but they can put a lot of collected knowledge into your head to benefit from the mistakes and experience of thousands of people. Read Brene Brown. Read John Gottman. Read Michele Weiner-Davis. Read Robert Glover. Read M. Seligman. Read anything that seems relevant. Share what you learn with your husband. Talk about it, try to relate it to yourself, and your life together. Change the habits you use to use to cope that helped you get into your current mess.

Reach for a better life. Strive to do things better. You will fail, you will fvck up, but you just keep trying. That's all any of us can do. When you're going through hell, just keep going.


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## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

SadandAngry,
I know I was opening myself up for things that I may or may not want to hear. Part of trying to change things for me is by doing things that I normally wouldn't do. If I can get even a few nuggets of truth, as you call them, then it will be worth everything else. 

I haven't always been honest with him but I am trying not to not be that person anymore. It mostly was little lies because I was too afraid to face the truth or ask for help for fear of repercussions. I don't want to be like that. I didn’t outright tell him of the affair either. Mostly because of fear of hurting him but I am realizing that in the end, it only made things worse for not being honest about it when he came back. 

You are right. I do need to let go of the poor choices that I have made. They do nothing but drag me down. I have self-esteem issues and never feel good enough... but I am working on that too. I really am trying to learn to love myself and that includes my flaws. I have always tried to make everyone else happy. Maybe during that time when I was having the EA, it was nice to have someone make me feel good about myself... but I have really come to realize that only I am the only person who can make myself happy. I was selfish during that time. I wanted nothing more than to feel wanted like I hadn't been in years. Unfortunately, it was a wrong choice that I made that has turned my life and my family's life upside down. Not only am I paying for my poor choice, but my daughters are right along with my husband. They see us argue and now they see me not there and keep asking why. My oldest (she is 7) keeps saying that she just doesn’t understand... that we argue all the time but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t not be married anymore... that we shouldn’t stop loving each other... What do you say to that? It breaks my heart. We keep trying to reassure her but until we decide anything definite, I don't want to say something that I can't take back. 

I am almost halfway done with this book called "When Good People have Affairs" and it has opened my eyes to things. It makes me want to read more and it is surprising to me. I was close minded when my husband kept trying to get me to read the books that he bought a year ago. It is hard for me to say I was wrong. 

I've never been alone... I was married at 18, divorced at 21... pregnant at 21 and married at 22. I have never really had the chance to self-explore and figure myself out. Funny because in the last two days, I have figured more stuff out about myself and done more self-reflection than I ever have... and I'm a wreck. I want to be back with my family but it is no longer in my hands. It is in his and I want to do whatever it is that I have to do to do this. If it means reading 20 books or putting my business out there to people who might cut me down into pieces, then that is what I will have to do. 

Thank you for providing some really good nuggets of advise. I'm really trying.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

tmb4984 said:


> It is all a little muddled. I wanted a divorce. We seperated. The guy I had the EA with... we had been friends for a few months before all this but it didn't get really involved until after I had told my husband I wanted a divorce. I don't really know what made that relationship change but it did.



You wrote: 


> *We had been becoming friends for months before that line was crossed*... it started out with extra emails to more text messages. The relationship was strictly electronic. The only time I actually saw him was for work functions and even then, I didn't think much of it. Once I actually realized what was happening, I ended it. *When I look back, the actually "having feelings" part only lasted about 2 months.* You can actually be blind to things... whether it was intentional or not, I'm not sure but in my mind, it was justified at the time. A week or two before I ended it, we actually said I love you to each other.


If I read your posts correctly, 

- you have 2 girls, age 7 and 4
- you are married for 7 years
- you were friends with the OM for months
- you develop feelings for the OM
- you asked for divorce
- you separated


Did you wanted the divorce so that you can explore your relationship with the EA guy?

And during your separation, what happen between the OM and you that you two decided it wouldnt work? Did the OM decided he rather stayed with his wife?

Did the EA turned physical?

Did your husband and you decide to marry because you were pregnant with your oldest daughter? Is your husband the father?

I can see why your husband is hesitating to continue with the marriage. The marriage was only about 4-5 years old when you decided to move on, even though you also have 2 young kids.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Just saw your latest posting. What happened at age 21? Was your current husband the OM in your first marriage?


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## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

No, I did not want the divorce to explore my relationship with the EA guy… that wasn’t even a thought. I wanted the divorce because I truly was done. For years, we did nothing but fight and I hated him... the bad outweighed the good in our marriage. I did things and he did things and we were toxic. He was gone for 6 months (on a deployment, we are both in the military) and during that time, it gave me the confidence to know that I could do it by myself without his help... so when he got home, that is when I told him how I felt. 

During the separation, that is when these feeling developed for the OM (other man?). All of a sudden I got this different kind of attention from him and honestly, I liked it. I liked feeling wanted by someone. Then, it is like something snapped and I realized how wrong it was. We talked about it and both decided it was best if we didn't talk to one another anymore... and we did. It was easy... that is why I am not sure if I actually had real feelings for him or not. The EA never turned physical. We never had the opportunity and never were alone with one another. 

No, we did not decide to get married because of the pregnancy. We had only been dating a few months when I found out I was pregnant and he didn’t ask me until after I had my daughter. Even after that, we didn't get married right away. I was not going to marry someone just because we were having a child together... as wrong as that may seem but it does no one any good to do that. We loved one another and it was what we both wanted… so we did. 

He is hesitating to continue with the marriage because he doesn't know if he can ever get passed any of this. I can't blame him. Like I said, with my ex... as soon as I found out he had been cheating on me... I was done. My husband stuck around through all of this to try to work it out. I'm lucky he has tried for this long. I just hope it isn’t too late.


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## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

aug said:


> Just saw your latest posting. What happened at age 21? Was your current husband the OM in your first marriage?


Oh no... I had never been in any kind of affair before this... and I met my current husband and started dating him a few months after I left my first husband and we were waiting for the divorce to finalize. Funny... I was completely against them (affairs) actually... especially since I had gone through it and know how hard it was. I dropped him in an instance... where my current husband chose to stay.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

So it never went physical. And you want your current marriage to continue?

He's probably thinking that it did go physical with the other man (OM) or with someone else. Ask him if that's so. If that's what he is thinking, perhaps you could suggest to him that you'll take a lie detector test to prove you're telling the truth.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

You said you hated your husband. Why is that? Why the change of heart now? Is it guilt that's driving you back to the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

I know that he thinks that it did. He says that he has these fantasies that play out in his mind because he doesn’t think he knows everything that happened. I had deleted everything... all proof when he found out (which was by an email that I hadn't deleted). I was not planning on telling him because I didn’t want to hurt him. I say that it is because it wasn’t that big of a deal, but the more I realize it is because I was so scared of hurting him. I'm not proud of any of it. I don’t know what else to tell him because there really wasn’t anything to tell. Everything was over emails or text messages… We talked about things like if we weren’t in the situations we were in, what would we want… how could things be better… what would we do different and how much better it could be… but those messages were never sexual in nature. I’ll be honest… I did wonder what it would be like to be with the OM but I have a hard enough time living with myself for having feelings for him that if I would have actually physically done something, there is no way I could have coped. In the beginning, I viewed having an emotional affair as something totally different from a physical one… but I have come to realize that it is just as bad because it is still an affair. 

I want our marriage to continue. I am in love with him and it took years to get that feeling back. I don't want to lose him now.


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## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> You said you hated your husband. Why is that? Why the change of heart now? Is it guilt that's driving you back to the marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We were toxic. He was mean... the things he did and said... it made me hate myself and him. I never left because of my girls. Poor exuse but I didnt think I could do it alone. 

Anyways, he is not the only one to fault in our problems. I brought just as many of them to the table. He was just as miserable as I was... he realized his mistakes when we were separated... and when we got back together, he has made a lot of wonderful changes. He is a different man... a better man. 

I think in the beginning guilt did drive me back into the marriage. I was watching him slowly drink himself to death. I couldn't watch him hurting himself like he was... but now I am on the receiving end and I understand how he felt. I am a wreck and heartbroken.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Your husband is in a tricky situation, he can stay with you which basically says its 'OK' to fool around behind his back. Or he can save his self respect and divorce you.


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## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

Carlchurchill said:


> Your husband is in a tricky situation, he can stay with you which basically says its 'OK' to fool around behind his back. Or he can save his self respect and divorce you.


Trust me when I say that I will never put myself in that situation again. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through and I'm sure it is even harder for him. I want to help him cope with everything and be able to get through this. I know he will never be able to forget about it but I hope that one day he can learn to forgive me... if that is even possible. If he decided ultimately to divorce me, then I have to respect him for his decision. He stuck around longer than I would have.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Why did your husband ask you to leave? Better yet..... Why did you leave your children behind? This is very disturbing. Something your not telling us?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tmb4984 (Jul 30, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Why did your husband ask you to leave? Better yet..... Why did you leave your children behind? This is very disturbing. Something your not telling us?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He asked me to leave because it is easier this way with my work schedule. I work 12 hour shifts... day and night. Currently I am on a night shift. If he were the one to leave, he would be back and forth and there wouldn't be some sort of stability. When he left last summer, it was difficult juggling our schedules. So until we can figure out what is going to happen, this is the best scenario to ensure our girls aren’t tossed around.

Trust me, I would much rather be at my house with my children. He even brought them to see me and we had dinner at the place I am staying at. He knows how hard it is for me to be away and that if there is one thing that we can agree on... and that is taking care of our girls.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

tmb4984 said:


> He asked me to leave because it is easier this way with my work schedule. I work 12 hour shifts... day and night. Currently I am on a night shift. If he were the one to leave, he would be back and forth and there wouldn't be some sort of stability. When he left last summer, it was difficult juggling our schedules. So until we can figure out what is going to happen, this is the best scenario to ensure our girls aren’t tossed around.
> 
> Trust me, I would much rather be at my house with my children. He even brought them to see me and we had dinner at the place I am staying at. He knows how hard it is for me to be away and that if there is one thing that we can agree on... and that is taking care of our girls.


your husband wants his peace of mind back. He is imagining a much deeper physical affair took place and does not believe your story. I would offer to have a polygraph done so he can feel more confident in the answers to your questions. Once he feels he knows it all he will be able to allow himself some peace with the information he has been given. Your deleting it all makes it all the harder for him. I truly think that if he feels you want him to know it all he will begin to feel ok with working toward R. Let the others chime in on this, but I think it might be a step in the right direction of discovering "what he needs" There are some things he needs and only time will allow that to be given. Honesty in your marriage is one and until he gets back to a feeling that you are truthful with him he will not believe you about much of anything.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sad situation to be in,sorry.Maybe the thing your H is looking for from you is something he has to find somehow on his own...a belief in you again.That's very hard to find again,if ever,especially for the person you had previously trusted the most in this world.

You say you still come in contact with the OM in a variety of ways,so you might try to find a way to overcome this.These encounters maybe meaningless to you now,but I'm sure they're not to your H.These are the type of things you have to be proactive about if you want a chance at R.Wishing you,your husband and children all find your way.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TBT said:


> Sad situation to be in,sorry.Maybe the thing your H is looking for from you is something he has to find somehow on his own...a belief in you again.That's very hard to find again,if ever,especially for the person you had previously trusted the most in this world.
> 
> *You say you still come in contact with the OM in a variety of ways,so you might try to find a way to overcome this*.These encounters maybe meaningless to you now,but I'm sure they're not to your H.These are the type of things you have to be proactive about if you want a chance at R.Wishing you,your husband and children all find your way.


This is one of the better points, as I missed you stating this information. If you want your H to cope day to day and find his way back to your marriage, he can't imagine in his head you still being in contact with TOM. If I were you I would do everything in my power to change this fact. It will go a long way toward showing your H that you respect how he is feeling and it will allow him to breathe easier when you are at work. Although you may feel it is impossible, I beg you to see that what ever is stopping you from working elsewhere is not more important than your H being able to have some peace in his brain. Every time you leave for work he is being traumatized I imagine. This is justified and him feeling that way must be respected.


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