# Married to an Asexual man....



## GSOTeacher (Aug 24, 2015)

:frown2:

I really do not know where to start. I am a 50 year old, highly sexual woman who has found she married an asexual man. We met 4 years ago. We had common interests. I'd been celibate, for about 3 years, not because I didn't want sex, but because I wanted sex in a relationship, not just a fling. I'm educated, and have a great career. At the time I had two teens at home. When I met Tim, we just got along so well. He didn't initiate anything sexual, I thought he was being a gentleman. We did get together and sex was good, great even. I look back now and think it's because I'd been without it for so long. About 4 months into the relationship all was well. We'd have sex 2-3 times a week. At the time I didn't notice that it was always me initiating it. Slowly it began to drop off. I'd initiate, he would say he was tired, stressed from work, etc. I was understanding and supportive and patient. We were still having sex at least once a week. We moved in together, everything else in our relationship was great... then it happened. I realized one day that we hadn't had sex in a MONTH! I realized that I was the one who always initiated sex. I asked him about it and he said he was just stressed from work. To make a long story short, after several months I asked him to get a testosterone test. It was "normal". I was/am very much in love with him so I told him how I felt 'undesired'. We decided to go to counseling and found a certified sex therapist in our area. We've been in counseling over a year now. In some ways things have gotten worse. I now realize that I am married to an asexual. (no offense to asexuals) 

For me, someone who is not just sexual, but erotically minded,-- This is devastating. In counseling and talks with my husband I came to understand that he doesn't even know or have an understanding of what passion, desire, longing... feel like. Like many of the asexuals I've read about, he thinks that sex is "too much work", tedious, etc. He gets no pleasure out of touching or kissing me nor does he enjoy my attention to his body (except to his penis). Even after talking to him and our therapist and reading some of the posts here I just cannot wrap my head around it. How can it be that a person, male or female, has never felt passion? the rapid heartbeat that comes when someone you are attracted to looks at you in a particular way? 

I know it exists now, but I still don't "get it". We have sex as a "duty". He too has always felt "different" and could not understand why his relationships with women never lasted more than a month or so. We have gotten a better understanding of each other, but as he told me last night after I pleaded "there must be SOMETHING I can do to get you to want me"!, "tell me what you need and I'll try to do it, but you can't do anything to make me feel what you want me to feel. -- and, it can't take too long... 30 minutes of running my hands on your body isn't going to happen, I get distracted." I wanted to shout and yell and cry at that moment... "this is not what I signed up for ! this is not a marriage!!!!", but I didn't. I took what he could give and went to sleep. Yes, I said marriage. I believed that by going to the therapist that we could overcome this. That we could find "the problem", whether it be emotional or physical and "fix" it. Now I see that it is just the way he is wired, and I just cannot see myself living this way, without passion, for the rest of my life. 

It's crazy because I love him, and I know he loves me. It's like we are great friends, but without the sex. I've tried to tell him what it feels like for me, when nothing I do, say, wear, does anything for him.... I think he understands but is helpless to do anything and feels even worse for it. Part of me is SO angry because I feel like he should have known there was something wrong with him. But I am TRYING to understand that no, he didn't know, and while asexuals may be the minority, there is nothing wrong with them, just different. If there's something that is wrong, it's that there isn't more information out there on asexuality and that people who are asexual should be able to know/identify it and not get into relationships with 'sexuals'. (and vice versa-- had I known he was asexual I would have left us as friends and looked elsewhere for a romantic/sexual relationship) 

Now, my dilemma: Several months ago our therapist suggested that I get my sexual needs met outside the marriage and to my HORROR AND DISBELIEF, my husband thought it was a good idea ! At the time I just could not fathom it, but now I feel it is the only way to "save" our marriage. A few days ago I asked him if I did what the therapist suggested, would he want to know, or would he want me to keep it to myself? He said that he would have to think about it. He has not given me an answer. If I were to look for a sexual partner, how do I go about this? Most men my age are looking for a long term relationship or are already married. I would never have cheated on my husband. (I guess it's not cheating if he tells you to do it?) and I don't want to hurt someone else's marriage. Where do I find single men who only want sex (and are not "slimeballs") or is there a network of others who are married to asexuals who hook up???? Can this even work? I figure that if I could have good sex a couple times a week, then in about 10-15 years my sex drive and energy would naturally go down and this would no longer be a problem for my husband and I. 
Thanks for listening.. I would GREATLY appreciate any help you can give me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well this is rough...but if your H is honestly ok with you taking a lover, I think you should consider doing that. Although for me, a divorce would be better than that (though both options suck).

Is this a first marriage for either of you?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

GSOTeacher said:


> Now, my dilemma: Several months ago our therapist suggested that I get my sexual needs met outside the marriage and to my HORROR AND DISBELIEF, my husband thought it was a good idea ! At the time I just could not fathom it, but now I feel it is the only way to "save" our marriage. A few days ago I asked him if I did what the therapist suggested, would he want to know, or would he want me to keep it to myself? He said that he would have to think about it. He has not given me an answer. If I were to look for a sexual partner, how do I go about this? Most men my age are looking for a long term relationship or are already married. I would never have cheated on my husband. (I guess it's not cheating if he tells you to do it?) and I don't want to hurt someone else's marriage. Where do I find single men who only want sex (and are not "slimeballs") or is there a network of others who are married to asexuals who hook up???? Can this even work? I figure that if I could have good sex a couple times a week, then in about 10-15 years my sex drive and energy would naturally go down and this would no longer be a problem for my husband and I.
> Thanks for listening.. I would GREATLY appreciate any help you can give me.


You have three options, as I see it: do nothing and accept things as they are; divorce him since this probably can't be resolved satisfactorily; negotiate an open relationship as suggested.

If you don't want a long term arrangement, it should be easy to find men. Someday, though, when you get older it may become more difficult, and your husband will be even less interested than now. So, it's probably a temporary (but still potentially long-term depending on your age) solution in that respect, but who knows how things may develop?

In your shoes, I'd probably divorce and find someone compatible.

I'm also in an open relationship, and while it's not ideal in your circumstances, it can work well enough if you really want to stay together.

You can find interested men on almost any dating site - many aren't looking for long term. Or join a swinger site and have your pick of a large variety of attractive men who want short-term or FWB situations. They won't judge you and won't expect anything serious from you. You're exactly what many hope to find.

If you decide to go that route, tell your husband that it's what you want to try, and that you will start looking on such and such date, so if he wants to discuss any rules, he needs to do so by then else you'll decide for yourself (default being that you don't tell him anything other than you're going out for the evening or whatever).


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Wow, guys bait and switch, too...

Here's what you do.

You decide if you want to stay with this schmuck if you get to have sex with random guys on the side or if you want to be free to pursue a new committed relationship with the 90% of guys that desperately WANT that to include sex.

Me, I'd choose plan B but if it's A be clear on that -- you get to have no strings attached sex with other guys whenever you want, and in return you no longer expect sex from your husband.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You said you were celibate before your marriage because you didn't want to have "flings" -- you wanted sex in a committed relationship. So why on earth would you chuck your morals and desires and accept fling-sex instead of an intimate relationship within marriage?

I was married to an asexual too. For 20 years. It was miserable. I divorced him, and am in a wonderful LTR, having the best sex of my life.

Personally, I don't know why you would want to stay in this marriage. You can remain friends since you enjoy each other's company. And you will be free to pursue the kind of relationship you really want, not settling for flings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Lord have mercy, the things we do in the name of love...

The way I see this:

Because you love, enjoy his company and don't see yourself with anyone else; you could get a lover. Don't matter what he wants because he cant provide it for you. Keep it to yourself. He does not have to know, keeps life peaceful at home. 

Where would you find such lover: Pay for a sex worker or join a swing club or become a third with another couple. Or you might find a younger single man, who is looking for someone with no attachment. Or just go to the bar etc and hookup.

Now, if this was me....I would divorce his behind. Because I did not sign up for a non-sexual marriage. Nor did I sign up to hustle getting sex from someone who is not my husband. 

But, you have to decide what is it that is important to you. And how much of yourself you are willing to give up to be with this man.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

GSOTeacher--here's what I see.

*I see a woman who abstained from sex for 3 years because she wanted a sexual relationship as part of a LTR*. Now this woman is contemplating taking lovers on the side (NOT cheating, I get it). 

I see two things resulting from this:
1. You go against your core values, meet a guy, have sex, and end up possibly falling in love with him because sex is part of a loving relationship for you.
2. You go against your core values, have some great sex, stay with the guy who won't provide you with it, and continue to build resentment against him because he won't provide what you need in a marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I can't believe the therapist gave you that advice.
I am an untrained therapist and I know that loving feelings are what follows when one is getting their relationship needs met by someone. AS a result it's very likey that you will fall in love with whoever wants to have sex with you.

Everyone has different needs in their marriage. The fact that your husband does not have sexual needs is no different than any other marriage. Most couples have mismatched needs.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm asexual married to a 56 yr. old sexual man so maybe you could "date" him (6'2" looks like Richard Gere) 

Okay kidding aside. First stop freaking out. Go to a website called "AVEN." Read all about asexuality with your husband. Many partners compromise & their relationship works. Please don't make your husband feel bad/stressed about being asexual. It is normal & not his fault. I suspect many people are asexual but it is not considered "normal" & there is a stigma attached so they keep quiet.

Remember that while you were dating he showed many signs of at least having a low sexual desire & you still married him because you love him. Stop trying to fix him with therapy etc. because you cannot.

I opened up my marriage for my husband. He whines about how to find a lover but let's get real. With the Internet, it can't be that hard if someone puts their mind to it (like anything else).


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

Oh wow. I totally connect eith this thread. I am a 24 year old woman who believes she is asexual. I have always felt different and off. Have not ever really understood what it means to be erotic or sexual. I don't care about sex too much. I think it feels good in, but I really only get emotional fulfillment out of it. I don't like porn, don't masturbate, don't even wanna oegasm, don't care foenforeplay, don't find people sexually attractive, etc. So I am the young version of your husband. 

I have just opened up my marriage for my husband. I fear I'm making a mistake and don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm desperate for some solution. We are newlyweds and divorce is not what we want in the slightest. I feel bad I didn't discover this till after we got married. My husband always knew something was off.

it's not fair to u or right. It's not your fault your husband is this way. I feel awful that my husband feel like he's being jipped, that he's missing out because I'm not normal. I have learned that sex is a fundamental and essential element of marriage, hence I fear we're heading for divorce. 

Opening up your marriage may help. But it could also be the kiss of death. My thought is if u guys do this, it could lead to divorce. He may be on board with it now, but its amazing how feelings change when it happens. However if u don't do it, it could lead to divorce anyways. But opening up the marriage and u going for it could cause him pain, resentment, jealousy, and other terrible feelings which could wind up with him hating u, rather than just ending the marriage as it stands and coming to terms with the fact that u two are sexually incompatible. Now that I'm trying to justify opening the marriage, I almost feel I'm waiting for the ball to drop.

It does make me wonder why he's ok with it. That seems odd to me, unless he truly is not the jealous type. Once u actually do it though, he may change his tune. But I do not think he will change at his age and if u are going to do it, I would just be aware that it could be a means to an end.

As far as where to find the men, my husband intends to go to meetups. Meetup.com. u can find groups of people with similar interests as u and get to know men that way. He used to do that when he was single and he had lots of luck. I also wonder how it would work as far as meeting good quality men who wouldn't jusdge u on your situation...that could be tricky. I would ask your husband if he's comfortable with u saying you're single. I don't want mybhsuabdn doing that as it's a lie, but many men do have morals and wknt sleep with a married woman. However if u do lie and co rinue to sleep with them, it will come up and they could get angry atbu for being dishonest. I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate this and what to think about it, so I'm thinking out loud. I can't believe I'm giving u advice on how to do it as I do t want mybhsuband doing it, but I understand how he feels and don't think it's fair to him. I dont feel right about him being stuck eith me like this. He deserves fulfillment and if this isn't the way, then we will find out the hard way.

I wish I had better advice for u, but I just posted a thread looking for help as well, as I'm in your husbands shoes.

I wish u the best of luck.


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## GSOTeacher (Aug 24, 2015)

This is not a first marriage for either of us. His marriage ended and he had been alone for 14 years. He dated here and there before me, but nothing longer than a month. We have been in counseling for over a year, we understand each other better, but nothing has really changed in the bedroom. I think I'm going to try sex outside the marriage. I think that if I keep it casual and don't get attached to a sexual partner, then it may work. My husband is a wonderful man otherwise.

Everything you all are saying is true. I am afraid that I will fall in love with someone else. The only thing here that might be a misunderstanding is that it's not that my husband wont' give me what I need, he is not really capable. He tries to kiss me and make love sometimes, but there's no passion in it. His kisses are limp, and he NEVER initiates. He has no clue about what passion even is... he has never felt sexual desire. I feel like I'm asking a blind man to see, and in a way, that's not fair to him. It's like he has a disability. I wonder what spouses of those who become quadriplegic do. Only for me it's easier... he has no jealousy. To him it's like bowling... he doesn't like bowling so he isn't jealous if I bowl with someone else. Of course this is all hypothetical at the moment.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

OP...I really hope you keep this thread updated. I am in the same situation although I KNOW I would grow emotionally attached if I slept with someone else so that option is off the table for me unless we legally separate.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there are many threads here on mismatched desires - they are worth reading. The low libido person very rarely changes - so if you stay in this marriage don't expect things to change....ever (I've waited over 25 years).

You can find sex on the side if that is what you want. I don't think I'd recommend it though. If you find a good partner you will very likely become emotionally attached and eventually destroy your marriage. I know a number of couples with alternate lifestyles (poly, or swingers) and despite their best efforts it has worked out badly for all of them. I don't have moral objections, and people are free to try if they want, but very few people are "wired" in a way that allows them to enjoy casual sex without forming emotional bonds. 


There is nothing wrong with asexuality (or homosexuality) but NEITHER are OK in a heterosexual marriage. I'm particularly unhappy that your husband seemed to bait and switch: he was much more sexually active when you were dating.

I think divorce is by far the best answer. He can find a low drive / asexual partner and live happily. You can find a high drive passionate man and be happy. The situation you are in will just remain miserable.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Wow. Dear OP;

First, sit down with your sex therapist and tell them that their advice to get a lover on the side is totally inappropriate and ask them for a referral to another sex therapist.

Second, get a copy of the book by David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage (or better yet one of his more modern, more readable and less like a college textbook publications). The read and STUDY it.

One of the things that Schnarch points out is that in all aspects of marriage there is High Demand and Low Demand and that a happily married couple needs to negotiate a frequency that both can live with.

For example, one spouse may be high demand for chocolate ice cream and want it not only every day but maybe two to three times a day, while the other may hate chocolate ice cream, but will eat vanillia ice cream once a week or once a month. Maybe you can compromise on a two scoop (vanillia & chocolate) ice cream once a week, with his making you a bowl of chocolate ice cream and presenting it to you after dinner twice a week, while he drinks herbal tea and talks to you and tells you how much he loves you and wants to make you happy?

Similarly, one partner may need to watch football on the TV on Monday night, Thursday night, Saturday and twice on Sunday, while the other partner couldn't be forced to watch an entire football game if they were hog-tied to a chair in front of the TV.

For this disfunctional HD-LD football watching couple, it even get's worse (or better) as football games aren't all year long and what might be LD football watching in November, would be impossible in say May. So HD-LD can change not only over the years, but also with the seasons.

Negotiating the frequency of sex and the particular sexual positions, like the frequency and type of ice cream or the frequency and subject matter of TV is something that all couples need to do in a successful marriage.

To come to a satisfactory negotiated compromise you and your spouse are both going to need to grow; emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. You need to do your part in that, which is why I suggest Schnarch. 

One of the things I learned from the Gottmans when they helped my wife and me in my sex starved marriage was that before I can sit down with my wife to negotiate changing a "grid lock" problem in our relationship, I have to understand her point of view and reasons as well or better than she does. When I can argue her point of view (as well or better than her) in a simulated mental negotiation with myself, then I am ready to suggest and understand the magnitude of the compromises she is making and I am asking for. It also lets me accept less than I would like as a huge gift from her. And to gain that level of understanding will require your talking to your spouse and LISTENING to them, so you understand how they think.

You should be congratulated for researching asexuality and how it is a different than your world view. It was once explained to me that if my wife loved rolling in warm mud and everyone she ever knew loved rolling naked in warm mud and it just didn't appeal to me, but she needed me to do it with her and needed me to crave it, how enthusiastic would I be to roll around naked in mud with her if that was it. Would I fake excitement, would I somehow learn to enjoy the sensuality of the feel of the mud, the feel of being physically having our two naked bodies being together? I too get it. Sex (and passion as you crave it) is probably not his thing. But what might be something he can learn to love to do that will satisfy you. A good sex therapist would be able to help you explore that line of thought.

This brings up the topic of the mind being our largest and strongest sex organ. While you want passionate sex and hour H doesn't, is there some way he can provide YOUR MIND with the passion or the sex you need, while feeling comfortable in HIS MIND? Is there some form of roll playing that the two of you can do that will turn you on and give you what you need, while giving him an amusing or humorous experience that he enjoys? 

Remember sex can be non-sexual. There is a lot of "pervy stuff" out there that some people feel is sexual; from fetishes, bondage, domination, tease & denial, chastity, humiliation, voeyurism, spanking, etc. that doesn't involve "penis in vagina intercourse" or even orgasms. Sex is in the mind of the beholder.

One parting thought, there is an interesting book called Still Sexy After All These Years. It is basically a series of interviews with women over the age of 50 who for one reason or another (widowed, spouse has medical condition, divorced, etc.) no longer have an active sex life with a man. It documents how different women still retain their sexuality and sensuality. It also provides role models.

As to getting some sex on the side? That is your choice, but choose very carefully and cautiously. There are lots of STD's out there and some will last a lifetime and can be passed along to your spouse. 

Also, sex is designed to produced a feeling of bonding and affection. That is why it is so powerful and so important to a marriage. Be carefully that the partners you choose (and that you) will resist the addictive and emotional bonding aspects of good sex, if you want your marriage to survive. For that reason, if you go outside of your marriage and you value your marriage, pick someone who will practice safe sex and who will not become emotionally attached to you. I would suggest a professional sex worker or someone in the same boat you are who wants to retain their marriage.

Good luck.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Young at Heart said:


> Wow. Dear OP;
> 
> First, sit down with your sex therapist and tell them that their advice to get a lover on the side is totally inappropriate and ask them for a referral to another sex therapist.
> 
> ...



Although very good advice for LD/HD couples, this is not relevant to this particular discussion, as this is not LD/HD in the slightest.

Being married to a woman who identifies as asexual, with whom I do have good sex with, I can tell you that that's not what it's really about.

As you've read, the OP is clearly trying to wrap her head around the fact that her husband does not feel any sexual passion or desire. They still have sex. Hell, they could have sex 5 times a week. He could become the greatest lover she's ever had. and it won't fix things. Because that's not what it's about.

In many ways, it's too late. She now knows her husband does not have that desire or interest the same way she does, and it will never be there, no matter how many therapists they see or books they read.

I'll give the exact same advice I gave in the other recent thread dealing with asexuality - the only way to fix this marriage is for her husband to understand that sex is important to his wife, and therefore he must figure out what he likes, how to please his wife, and how to enjoy sex in general. Much like the other thread, the asexual person in the marriage is not averse to sex, and there is some ability to physically enjoy it, or otherwise be stimulated.

But with asexual people, that's the best you can hope for. The butterflies and desire and appetite for sex will never be there, but the desire to be physically stimulated and satisfied CAN.

As an example of how things work in my marriage - my wife is the asexual one, however she most definitely knows "how" to have sex and enjoys it very much - from a physical standpoint, that is. Emotionally, she has no need for it. She doesn't look at me (or anybody, for that matter) and gets turned on. Nothing "turns her on", and sex is not part of her thinking process, unless I bring it up. Because she fully understands that it is an important part of a relationship, we have sex.

But the difference is this, and I have to accept it - there is no emotional, loving, bonding component to our sex life. She is not capable of making ME feel desired, that she wants ME, or that it even has anything to do with ME, other than that she recognizes it is necessary for a healthy marriage. In other words, the purely sexual component has nothing to do with me, if that makes sense.

However, from a physical standpoint, she is multi-orgasmic, there's very little that's off the table in the bedroom, and she takes care of me (and I, her). On paper, we have an enviable sexual relationship, the kind that many people would kill for - physically.

But I have to deal with the fact that, as far as our sex life goes, it's in essence the kind of sex you have with somebody you're not in a relationship with, if that makes sense. Pardon my French, but it's f***ing, not sex, not making love, not emotional or connected.

And yeah, I fully realize that doesn't sound bad at all, especially for married couple!

But again, that's not the point. OP, probably like me, wants her spouse to covet HER, be interested in HER, and have that emotional component there.

Which is why it's incredibly dangerous to go outside this marriage to have sex.

It's much healthier to try and get to the point that my wife and I have, where she enjoys sex and it's completely satisfying from that standpoint. I get my emotional connection with her in other areas, and that's something OP already has with her husband.

So rather than go outside the marriage, OP's husband should make the attempt to physically satisfy his wife's needs, and also to learn to enjoy sex on a physical level. Two things he currently does not do. Emotional connection and sex are two things that asexuals can not correlate, however some can most certainly learn (or be taught) how satisfy, and be satisfied, physically. As long as the emotional connection is achieved elsewhere, marriages like this can work and even thrive.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I've always though of LD and asexual as being closely related - asexual as the extreme of LD. What do you see as the difference?






alexm said:


> Although very good advice for LD/HD couples, this is not relevant to this particular discussion, as this is not LD/HD in the slightest.
> snip
> .


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've always though of LD and asexual as being closely related - asexual as the extreme of LD. What do you see as the difference?


Asexuals don't have a sexual attraction to either gender, nor desire to be sexual. LDs do, just less than what we perceive as "normal".

It's like saying somebody is HD for opposite sex people and LD for same sex people. No, you're heterosexual or homosexual. And if you're not sexually attracted to either gender, you're asexual.

Or in other words, asexuality is an orientation. LD is not.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
couldn't it be a continuum? If someone is very LD, they may only be interested in sex a couple of times a year. Is that so different from never?

I'm not concerned about the words (labels don't matter) but it is interesting to consider wither LD and asexual are fundamentally different things or if they are just different amounts of the same.




alexm said:


> Asexuals don't have a sexual attraction to either gender, nor desire to be sexual. LDs do, just less than what we perceive as "normal".
> 
> It's like saying somebody is HD for opposite sex people and LD for same sex people. No, you're heterosexual or homosexual. And if you're not sexually attracted to either gender, you're asexual.
> 
> Or in other words, asexuality is an orientation. LD is not.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> couldn't it be a continuum? If someone is very LD, they may only be interested in sex a couple of times a year. Is that so different from never?
> 
> I'm not concerned about the words (labels don't matter) but it is interesting to consider wither LD and asexual are fundamentally different things or if they are just different amounts of the same.


They are fundamentally different things.

I assume you are completely heterosexual, yes? Do you have sex with other men once or twice a year, and then go back to your "norm"? If so, then you obviously have a sexual attraction to men - regardless of how often you engage with them. If not, then you have no sexual attraction to men, therefore you don't engage sexually with them, ever.

Could you, as a heterosexual man, theoretically enjoy physical stimulation from another man? Of course you can. It's one's mental makeup that disallows many to do so - not the physical response.

On that note, we heterosexual men and women do not think about same gender sex because we don't have an attraction to it, a need for it, or a desire to engage in it.

Asexual people feel the same way about either gender. Yet some (many?) can certainly enjoy the physical aspect of sex with their partner, or even random strangers if they choose.

Just as all of us (and I mean ALL of us) can be stimulated physically and sexually by anybody of either gender.

Again, it is the mental aspect of ones sexuality that prevents or blocks us from doing so.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
But I thought there was a scale for orientation, with most men near the ends (straight / gay) but a fair number somewhere in-between. For women I thought even more were in-between. There is some evidence that nominally straight men deprived of women will sometimes engage in voluntary homosexual activity. 

Trying to avoid "names", I wondering about causes.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

You mean like prison?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

alexm said:


> .....the asexual person in the marriage is not averse to sex, and there is some ability to physically enjoy it, or otherwise be stimulated.
> 
> But with asexual people, that's the best you can hope for. The butterflies and desire and appetite for sex will never be there, but the desire to be physically stimulated and satisfied CAN.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing and educating me. I feel like we have hijacked the OP's thread.

Perhaps you could comment on the following statement I made.




> Also, sex is designed to produced a feeling of bonding and affection. That is why it is so powerful and so important to a marriage.


I have seen many studies and papers on the feel good hormones released by sex and how they can actually create a near addiction-like response. 

Do you think that asexuals don't through sex have those chemicals released or do you feel that they just react differently to them?

There are a number of "bonding" rituals that couples can do to enhance intimacy and supercharge feelings. Is this also something that asexuals are likely immune to?

I also agree that the OP should not go outside the marriage at least until he has exhausted all possibilities and it sounds like that even then, if he is after emotional closeness and chemistry he probably isn't going to find it with another woman, unless he expect the affair to end his marriage and have him move in with the other woman, hence just get a divorce and search for the emotional connection.

Again, thanks for sharing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Men in their 50's are terrified of not being able to perform. For me, about 60 I'm on so many drugs getting an erection is hit or miss. Maybe that's part of the problem. On the other hand even if could 'not' I would do all sorts of other things.. if ya know what I mean.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> Men in their 50's are terrified of not being able to perform. For me, about 60 I'm on so many drugs getting an erection is hit or miss. Maybe that's part of the problem. On the other hand even if could 'not' I would do all sorts of other things.. if ya know what I mean.




I could care less if my husband got or maintained an erection. Sex is so much more than a penis.


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## GSOTeacher (Aug 24, 2015)

Update: Thank you all for your input. We went to our counseling appt. a couple days ago and I just said in session that I was tired of begging for my husband to want me. I said that I was ready to explore other options. Well, that made my husband sit up and take notice!:smile2: It was then that our therapist mentioned that she could help my husband to learn what I need. Up to this point it was like he just thought that if he ignored the problem, and if I realized he was asexual, then I would just live with it. I guess when I said I was ready to go outside the marriage he realized how important it is. We also talked about what I could do to help him. One thing is that he needs a routine. So we agreed to set aside at least one night a week to be intimate. He needs to get "psyched up" so knowing I want sex later that night, he can mentally prepare himself. While I would love to have a spontaneous sex life where my husband "lusts" for me, I am willing to compromise since my husband is really a wonderful man in all other aspects. We are really going to continue to work on this...if anyone feels it will be helpful, I can keep updating this thread letting you know what works for us, maybe it can help someone else. On thing I am glad to have found out is that I am not alone in this...:wink2:


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> But I thought there was a scale for orientation, with most men near the ends (straight / gay) but a fair number somewhere in-between. For women I thought even more were in-between. There is some evidence that nominally straight men deprived of women will sometimes engage in voluntary homosexual activity.


Right, but again, it's only our brains that tell us "no, not interested".

From a purely physical pov, does it really matter what gender is stimulating your sexual organs?

So that's sort of my point - asexuals CAN enjoy sex. But the idea is that they're not attracted to the person they're having sex with (nor anybody else). They're also not UN-attracted to them. It's purely physical enjoyment.

Where we sexuals say "wow, (s)he's hot, I'd like to do him/her" (or we otherwise become sexually aroused), asexuals do not. But lack of that initial arousal does not preclude having a healthy and enjoyable sex life.

From time to time, all of us eat something when we're not even hungry. Maybe out of boredom, or "it's there, so I ate it".


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Young at Heart said:


> I have seen many studies and papers on the feel good hormones released by sex and how they can actually create a near addiction-like response.
> 
> Do you think that asexuals don't through sex have those chemicals released or do you feel that they just react differently to them?
> 
> There are a number of "bonding" rituals that couples can do to enhance intimacy and supercharge feelings. Is this also something that asexuals are likely immune to?


I don't think I, or anybody else here, is really qualified to answer these questions, unfortunately. Even among the professionals, there is some division and argument about what is and what isn't.

I can speak from experience with my wife, however, but it isn't gospel. She's just one person.

From what I have observed, and what she's told me, she has no NEED for sex. Right up to the moment that we're actually having sex (ie. physical stimulation of some sort), she's no different than she was 45 minutes ago, for example.

Once there's physical stimulation, however, everything falls into place as it should, as it does with the rest of us. It's like instinct takes over, I guess. She wants to orgasm. On rare occasions, even after she's had 2 or 3 or 4, and I'm done, she'll take the vibrator out and have another one. Usually I tire her out, though.

Then quickly back to normal. No afterglow or post-sex cuddling, or "that was great!". And no desire or need to do it again the next day, or the next week, or ever, really.

We generally have sex once a week, or more accurately, 3-4 times a month. On occasions, it's 2 or 3 times a week, but for the same reasons you all have varied frequencies (stressed, tired, no time). I'd like twice a week, maybe three times, so I wouldn't say I'm high drive. I don't generally get frustrated at the lack of frequency, more it's the rejection and lack of interest for me, but that's part and parcel of it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Men in their 50's are terrified of not being able to perform. For me, about 60 I'm on so many drugs getting an erection is hit or miss. Maybe that's part of the problem. On the other hand even if could 'not' I would do all sorts of other things.. if ya know what I mean.



Maybe that's the difference! Asexuality is more in the mind. An asexual person wouldn't even think about taking medication or try to do anything to increase their libido. I am almost 50. When the time comes, when I can no longer perform, erection or not, I want to be a sexual person. I would be doing everything possible to fix it. That's what I think about all the time. 

My goal in life in life is to be in my 80's, having wild sex, even if I need Viagra (extra strength) and die from a heart attack during the act.


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## Adirondack Hiker (Dec 9, 2016)

I understand your frustration. I have been married to a man, not interested in sex for 25 years. I first though he was gay, but then realized that he wasn't interested in men or women. I've cried, begged, screamed, pleaded for change. we've been to 10 different counselors, including sex therapist. Your situation will never change. You can't make a man desire you sexually, when the desire was never there to begin with. It's an orientation, like being gay or a lesbian. It can't be changed, they are born this way. I still haven't learned to live with it well. I've had a relationship outside of the marriage to realize that I love sex and intimacy. I've been greatly criticized by friends for going outside the marriage. They have no idea what it's like coming home to the same man year after year, and not being touched or made love to. People that criticize, have no idea how lonely a life it can be to sleep in separate beds, sleep side by side, but not be touched. I would suggest if you're still young - I'm in my mid 50s - get out of the marriage and start over with someone like yourself, that enjoys lovemaking and intimacy. Otherwise you, like me will have to deal with a very lonely, unhappy life with a man your in love with. Ironic isn't it. Why didn't they tell us this before we married them?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Why do you think marriage is a life long prison sentence? You need to seek therapy to see why you would inflict this kind of pain on yourself. You own this, not your husband. You should have left 20+ years ago. So, why did you stay? Religion? Fear?

Hopefully the OP shows back up and let's us know how her marriage is going.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm sorry, but it sounds like what you have is just a really good friendship. I don't think you should take a lover because why not just move on and find someone who can be a husband and a lover, wouldn't that be better and easier? The one thing is maybe this is more some mental block or something. Are you sure there is nothing deeper going on?


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## GSOTeacher (Aug 24, 2015)

Just wanted to update this. Today is December 10, 2016. (I put this in because I got an email yesterday showing that someone responded to my post, but there was nothing new)

I tried looking for someone outside the marriage, but just could not make myself do it. Finally one evening (we hadn't been intimate for weeks), I made a move. NOTHING... as usual. I don't know why I expected anything different. I broke down crying and just told him I could no longer live this way. Two days later we went to our therapist and I reiterated my decision. I asked him if he could at least "pretend" to want me. He said that he couldn't do that. We agreed to stay friends as he was/is my best friend. For the first 6 months things were tense for us, but he got through it. He is happier than he's ever been. He has moved, has a great new job, and is enjoying having his alone time. Me ? I have tried meeting new people, but have not found anyone I like. He and I spend time together and have fun, but inside I frequently think "maybe he misses me physically". Last weekend I had a party at my house and he came and helped me get ready for the party. No doubt our friends are confused, but that doesn't bother him. On the next morning (we did not sleep together) we were having coffee and I told him that I'm still in love with him. I asked him if he missed me in an intimate way. His answer was that he is happy now and comfortable with who he is. He realizes he is different than other men, but he is content with himself now. I am very happy for him, but I know I HAVE TO move on. Ending the marriage was the right thing to do as he will never be able to give me the emotional and physical intimacy I need.
Not only was he not sexual, he had no real need to hug or touch-- something I really need.

I am not a young woman, (I'm 52) but I can only say that it's better not being bound to someone and hoping each day that the next day he will "change". While I am in pain, I know what I need to do to get over him-- stop spending time with and confiding with him. I see that it was also a good thing for him for me to end things.

So, to end this thread-- unless you want to continue, I would strongly advise someone who is asexual NOT to get involved with a sexual person, it will only lead to heart break.
If you are in such a relationship, get out before it destroys you both. It will hurt like hell, but that will pass. What will not pass is that if you stay you will have no end to the pain. Each day a part of you will hope that they will be different even though your brain knows it will not.

Thank you for listening.

If there are any single 50 something year old men out there who live near Greensboro, NC, and want to meet someone for a long-term, loving relationship, send me a message. I believe there is still hope to find someone to love and to be loved by.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm sorry. However your life is not over, allow yourself to have hope. There are men out there. One thing I would say is you need to separate yourself from him emotionally. You can't move forward if you are holding on to someone else. Most men are not going to understand this, and it may become a problem. It will also my hinder you from giving someone a chance. No one is going to live up to a person you are still in love with, and a lot of times it can take a few months before something blossoms not everyone is going to hit your love a first sight button. 

My point being if you are still in love with him you are going to need this LAFS for you to feel that you have meet someone you have a chance with. However if you are not in love anymore you may be more willing to see how things progress even if there is just an attraction. It's hard to compete with a person that is in love with someone else.

Good luck, I hope you come back here in a year and say you are in a sexual relationship with someone you love and who loves you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If only people were more informed early in life about the wide range, and limited mutability of human's sex drives. So much unhappiness could be avoided. 


It just takes so long for people to realize that not everyone is like them, and some never realize it. 

OP, you will find someone, and you will be very happy.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Where do your morals and faith fit in to this decision?
Are you dedicated to them, or do you just live by the parts that are convenient at the and chuck the rest that would normally prevent you from doing something immoral?

It sounded like your conscience was directing you when your first reaction was "no way".
Now the seed was planted in your mind, of carrying on immoral affairs outside of your bonds of matrimony, outside your vows.
The more you ignore your conscience, the quieter it becomes. Eventually you won't hear anything at all.

The decision is yours. Use your free will wisely.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Spicy said:


> Where do your morals and faith fit in to this decision?
> Are you dedicated to them, or do you just live by the parts that are convenient at the and chuck the rest that would normally prevent you from doing something immoral?
> 
> It sounded like your conscience was directing you when your first reaction was "no way".
> ...


Psst, @Spicy, iirc her husband was completely asexual, they tried to make it work, the idea of having her needs met outside the marriage was all out in the open and on the up and up, but it didn't work out. 

OP, I am sorry you've been so hurt and wish you healing. I thank you for updating. Please keep coming back if you find this forum helpful. We're good at listening to venting and coming up with ideas. Many here have been divorced in your general age group and have experience looking for a new partner.


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