# Husband Continues to Spend and Break Promise



## EllaK (Mar 27, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. I have always been a saver while he has always been a spender. I handle most of the finances and he gives me money every month to pay his portion. During the summer of 2011 he had an emotion affair. We have since been working on healing the broken trust and moving forward. We go to a counselor roughly once a month and this has been great. 

During our counseling the money spending issues have come up. He will often not have enough at the end of the month to pay his portion of the rent/food/utilities so I will have to cover for him. Because of this, I constantly stress that we will have enought to pay the bills. We have worked on many different ways of fixing this, but so far nothing has worked. During counseling we agreed that if either one of us were to make any big purchases we would need to discuss with each other to make sure there was enough money. We defined big purchase to be anything over $100. A few months after we agreed upon this he made a $700 purchase without telling me. I found out of course and was extremely upset. I explained that this is all part of regaining trust from his emotional affair and that if he can't keep a promise we can't rebuild trust together. He promised up and down that he wouldn't do it again during one of our counseling sessions. Said he didn't think it related to the promise because of what the purchase was (he typically buys motorcycle parts and this was not related to bikes). I made it clear that I was at the end of my rope and couldn't deal with the broken promises anymore. Fast forward a few months and he has once again broken the promise. This time he took out a $5000 loan from his 401K bought over $1500 in parts for his bike and paid of one loan. I don't know where to go from here. A small part of me says to walk away, but I love him a lot. Has anyone had these issues in the past that you were able to fix? Any suggestions are appreciated. Our next counselor session is early next month.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'll bet that you have given ultimatums in the past that you did not follow through on. He has learned that you will just rug sweep and he has no consequences.

Now as his wife, it's not your job to give him consequences like he's a child. So your choices are:

1) Just go rug sweep again and go on like you usually do. And of course complain in counseling.

2) File for divorce. Now remember that a divorce can be stopped any time up to the moment the judge sign the final decree. 

What some people here have talked about doing is to go online and find divorce forms for your state. Print them out and fill them out. Then hand him the papers and tell him that you are filing for divorce because he has shown you gross disrespect with the EA, the spending despite your agreement. Tell him that he has known that the marriage is at risk and he does not even care to do as he promises. 

His spending like this is basically him telling you that he is going to do as he pleases and you can go f yourself. Let that sink in. 

Do both of you have jobs? What % of the household income do each of you earn?

If you stay together I suggest a complete reworking of your finances.

1)	All finances are 100% transparent so both of you know what is going on.

2)	All income goes into a joint account.

3)	Each payday 10% of the income goes into a savings account for rainy days.

4)	Then all due bills are paid, buy groceries, etc. When you plan for paying bills, make sure you 

5)	keep money in the account for things that occur once a year or so. Such as auto registration. Keep a portion out of each paycheck to cover those types of bills.

6)	The left over money, is divided 50/50 between the two of you. That’s all the money each of you has to spend. You can each put it in an account in your our name, spend it without having to answer to the other, etc. It’s your mad money.

7)	If there is a big purchase you both want? The two of you can agree to save for it together out of your own spending $$$.

Get the book, “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. The two of you would benefit from reading and then working the plan it gives together.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I have my doubts,if hes gonna change.He's not only lied
about EA but also about money.I have had to be the responsible
one in the marriage over a span of 25yrs.

It wears on you if you're always the one worry about managing the money.Even now my wife will spend whatever money she has on her.She still can't save.To be truly honest,if I knew how
she would be years after marriage. I would have never married
her.Just added stress to a marriage you don't need.


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## EllaK (Mar 27, 2013)

Thank you for the replies. As much as I know that the best thing for me to do is follow through and at least file for divorce I’m afraid that it will backfire on me. My husband is really stubborn and I could see he might react by just throwing in the towel rather than fighting for our marriage. I really want us to work this out so I’m afraid to push him away. To answer your questions EleGirl, we both make around the same amount. I work 2 jobs so sometimes I bring in slightly more, but we are usually pretty even. I have no credit card debt (just mortgage and car) while my husband has around $10,000 in debt (was $5000 before this last loan). My philosophy is that there isn’t money to spend on frivolous purchases if there is still debt to be paid off. He of course thinks differently. I like your suggestion about having all of the income go into a joint account with only a percentage to be used for our own purchases. I will discuss that with him and see how he reacts to it. If he isn’t willing to work on this and try all possible solutions than I sadly know what the outcome will be. It is just hard to imagine that because it is ultimately not what I want.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you may be better off divorced, if he can't control himself. You're in for a lifetime of increasing debt and diminishing resources. If you do stay, he needs to have his paycheck automatically deposited into an account only you access. You can then give him an agreed upon amount each month.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And if he isn't willing to work on this? What kind of marriage do you really have, when he chooses this fix of his over you?


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## EllaK (Mar 27, 2013)

Turnera - I agree that if he isn't willing to work on this there is no point to stay in the marriage. I will discuss with him next week at our counselor meeting to see how open he is to fix this problem.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Your marriage is in trouble because of the "My money Your money" arangement that seems so popular today.

He dosn't feel connected to money because he dosn't have to deal with the big picture. He is able to behave in a selfish manner because he is spending HIS money......When finances are pooled, he no longer has HIS money, and OUR money requires 2 heads to agree to spend. Here is my post from a previous thread, it explains how my marriage of 47 years works...By the way, my earnings were VERY average....

*For 47 years there has been no his or her money it is our money...A checking account a savings account...period...It is the only way in a true marriage. My wife probably earned about 1 year of my pay during the entire marriage...I fed and clothed, and kept a roof over our heads, and now provided for a comfortable retirement.....She has managed the household, and the finances, and done an outstanding job....We are financially secure, have a comfortable home, several automobiles, an investment home, and a nice pleasure boat....*
*I could not have done this without her. She watched over our day to day expences with an eagle eye. I know she will get good value for every cent she spends, and can honestly say I have not even looked at a bank account book in years.....I trust her implicitly....As for spending, she is free to buy anything she desires. In fact I have to encourage her to spend more on herself....She likes clothes, and dresses really nicely, but often buys from thrift shops.....All this, and she is a beautiful loving and very sexy woman too. I thank God for finding her for me, as I am not nearly smart or lucky enough to get such a treasure on my own.....*

I have made sacrifices during our marriage, never got the sports car, nice shotgun, etc....Now I have everything...A Mustang GT convertible 3 boats, a really substantial firearm collection....If I could have seen the posessions I have now when I was 30'ish, I would have said someone was foolishly extravagent......

But I don't have a single dollar...It is all OURS...


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