# At the crossroads with long term girlfriend..



## kbreeze (May 29, 2012)

I literally came to work shaking this morning with so much anxiety that I had to google for relationship advise. I'm glad I found this site even if it means i can vent some.
I am literally at the crossroads, perhaps a mid-life crisis. I have been seriously dating a woman 8 years older than me for the past 12 years. yes thats 12. She is now over 50 and I am a young 42, a late bloomer. She had 4 kids from a previous marriage, all are late teens or early 20's now. We have always lived separately until her kids were gone, that was always the plan. Anyway all these years I thought i could be happy but for the last year or so my feelings have changed. I am having panic and anxiety attacks feeling i think that my opportunity for my own family is gone. I am slowly loosing attraction to her and sex is such a huge part of my life, now it seems like work. Such that i have had to get on Viagra to please her. I was not confident in the past, now I am and have had several opportunies with younger women lately that I feel i may end up regretting if I continue on the same path. 
However here is the thing, how do you break up with someone who has been your best friend for 12 years, whom you have shared everything with, who has helped you build your foundation? I am her life, she is utterly dependant on me for everything. WE share so much in common, we have grown so dependant on one another. I have really no other social network or outlet. Or do i try to make it work out? I feel like im trying to do everything to make it work but the anxiety i feel inside is telling me something different. Everyone is kinda putting pressure on me now after 12 years to make a committment but I can't, I dont know if i ever can. But I dont know if I have the guts to break up. There are so many people involved, her kids, grandkids, I will let so many people down. They have in a sense been my family for the past 12 years. I watched a movie last night and started to break down because it was like everything that I wanted but could not have. Over the last 6 months these thoughts are literally taking over my life. I simply dont know what to do. Most would say you need to end it and worry about yourself, and my own happiness. I understand that. Maybe another would say "relationships are like a garden, you have to work at making them healthy" So Im having a hard time making a decision and all i hear is tick tock tick tock. Any advise would be helpful,especially from those whom have been in a LTR.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, honey. Yes, it's hard, but 12 years? You would have regularized things long ago if you were sure.

And no one wants a spouse who is totally dependent on them.

You're a young man, and you are not married. It seems that you vehemently don't want to be married, so I'd say speak up, set both of you free. You're young, she's young. Be grateful for the nice memories and move on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How long have you been having these feelings?

Did they come seemingly out of no where or was there a trigger for them?

You mention being pressured to commit.
Could that have triggered these feelings?
Who is pressuring?(Family?)

You should try to figure out why you`re having these feelings before you try to figure out what to do about them.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Its kind of a tough situation because it sounds like you care for her and vice versa and you both and a good decent relationship. Its not like you have had major issues with her etc, so that makes it tougher. 

I will say though, if you truly feel this way, its likely not just going to to go away one day, it will probably get worse and grow stronger. Some how you need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you really feel.


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## kbreeze (May 29, 2012)

Thanks and yes you are correct that it has been a good relationship. I also agree that I am afraid these feeling are not going to go away, even if i decide to commit. I just simply dont know how to go about it. In addition, there is a part of me that wants to be 100 percent sure that i am making the right decision cause i dont want to find out that the grass is not greener. I prob needed to address this a long time ago. thanks !


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## kbreeze (May 29, 2012)

tacoma said:


> How long have you been having these feelings?
> 
> Did they come seemingly out of no where or was there a trigger for them?
> 
> ...


In reply to Tacoma, alot of my feelings begin to take a sour turn years ago when she lost her job, and needed financial help for the past 2 years even though she was not showing alot of ambition to get a job. I shelled out substantial income to her. I did not like that. She became lazy, gained alot of weight and I began to feel bitter. I started looking elsewhere i think and then met a few women that made me think how it could be different. Last month she finally got a job, a good paying job and has begun excersing again however. 
Pressure is coming from her, her family, my family is asking questions, friends continue to ask what my plans are and kinda laugh when i say ..im not sure. lol


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

kbreeze said:


> In reply to Tacoma, alot of my feelings begin to take a sour turn years ago when she lost her job, and needed financial help for the past 2 years even though she was not showing alot of ambition to get a job. I shelled out substantial income to her. I did not like that. She became lazy, gained alot of weight and I began to feel bitter. I started looking elsewhere i think and then met a few women that made me think how it could be different. Last month she finally got a job, a good paying job and has begun excersing again however.


Have you spoken to her about all of this as you`ve stated it here?
I`m only asking because from your posts it seems she is now being and doing all you`ve desired for the past 2 years.
I understand the validity of "Too little Too late" but believe you should pause hard to take a look at what you`re "really" wanting.



> Pressure is coming from her, her family, my family is asking questions, friends continue to ask what my plans are and kinda laugh when i say ..im not sure. lol


Do you want to be married at all to anyone do you think?

You mentioned wanting your own kids I believe.
If thats so maybe you should move on but there`s no guarantees about what you`ll find.

If you do want to take marriage off the table with her just say so.
That should stop most of the pressure on you.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

After she lost her job, once she began to become lazy and gained weight as you said, it was more than likely due to her feeling depressed due to her job loss. I'm by no means saying thats an excuse for her to not look for another job, or for her to become lazy etc, but thats more than likely what happened. So since you had become bitter because of it, and you looked for women elsewhere I would say you need to cut your losses. You're still searching, and the woman you are with is not it.


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## kbreeze (May 29, 2012)

Oh yea i have talked about all of this with her and i think she indeed felt like she was loosing me and hence her change in ambition. This makes it more difficult for me because i think inside she feels these recent accomplishments are enought to make me happy again and maybe that is my own fault. 
Sure i want to get married, I am tired and bored with living alone all the time. But I never could in the past with her becuase of her kids and I was not prepared to have them move in with me and i dont think they really wanted to do that either. 
Kids with her was never really an option becuase her tubs were tied. I kinda gave up on the thought thinking it was not a priority for me, mainly because i thought her kids could fill that void. What i found out is that when they are not your blood its completely different. In sum, yea if i found someone that made me feel the way i want to feel i could go there, yes i could. This weekend she showed me this picture on Facebook of her gorgeous daughter, her husband and 2 young children. It was an amazing picture that brought her joy and happiness. For me, i got a shot of anxiety that went thru my body and i think its 'cause that was the life i wanted growing up and I chose the wrong path. thanks for your advise, i think what is going to happen is that Im not going to be able to commit to marriage with her if and when that topic arises.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

kbreeze said:


> Oh yea i have talked about all of this with her and i think she indeed felt like she was loosing me and hence her change in ambition. This makes it more difficult for me because i think inside she feels these recent accomplishments are enought to make me happy again and maybe that is my own fault.
> Sure i want to get married, I am tired and bored with living alone all the time. But I never could in the past with her becuase of her kids and I was not prepared to have them move in with me and i dont think they really wanted to do that either.
> Kids with her was never really an option becuase her tubs were tied. I kinda gave up on the thought thinking it was not a priority for me, mainly because i thought her kids could fill that void. What i found out is that when they are not your blood its completely different. In sum, yea if i found someone that made me feel the way i want to feel i could go there, yes i could. This weekend she showed me this picture on Facebook of her gorgeous daughter, her husband and 2 young children. It was an amazing picture that brought her joy and happiness. For me, i got a shot of anxiety that went thru my body and i think its 'cause that was the life i wanted growing up and I chose the wrong path. thanks for your advise, i think what is going to happen is that Im not going to be able to commit to marriage with her if and when that topic arises.



You seem to have been over this, it`s been thought out.

Seems like it`s time to move on, don`t draw it out and good luck.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Is it possible that you just hit a really rough patch? Sometimes when you hit a rough patch, especially one that lasts for a while, it can seem like everything has just gone downhill and won't work out. I would suggest finding a way to discuss things with her. Without bouncing some of this off her, you may end up regretting any decision you make.


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## kbreeze (May 29, 2012)

Encore DT said:


> Is it possible that you just hit a really rough patch? Sometimes when you hit a rough patch, especially one that lasts for a while, it can seem like everything has just gone downhill and won't work out. I would suggest finding a way to discuss things with her. Without bouncing some of this off her, you may end up regretting any decision you make.


That is certainly possible. There was a time I was pretty damn happy. But just looking at this forum I see alot of people in the same situation. But indeed a big reason for my hesitation is knowing inside 100 percent that I am making the right decision if I were to break up with her. My biggest fear right now is time and that I dont have much more time to waste if im not sure, especially for her too as she is over 50. Its like everyday im going over the pros and cons. thanks


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

I agree, you definitely don't have any time to waste. But what other people are going through shouldn't matter since every situation is unique. I would listen to your gut. If your gut feeling is that you're wasting time in this relationship, then it's time to make a change, regardless of how difficult it may be. But if your gut is telling you that there is reason to hesitate, then perhaps this may just be a rough patch that you can get through.

Either way good luck.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Talk to her. Be open and honest. The truth may hurt, but it'll hurt much less than if, down the road, you find yourself married. Or cheating.

The two of you are best friends - approach her this way. Be kind, gentle and tactful. "Leading" her on isn't fair to either one of you, and neither of you are getting any younger...

Wishing the best for both of you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kbreeze (May 29, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Talk to her. Be open and honest. The truth may hurt, but it'll hurt much less than if, down the road, you find yourself married. Or cheating.
> 
> The two of you are best friends - approach her this way. Be kind, gentle and tactful. "Leading" her on isn't fair to either one of you, and neither of you are getting any younger...
> 
> ...


Thanks for reading my post and your reply, much appreciated. I think being tactul is spot on but shiz i do no know how. Recently due to the fact that she could not afford her rent, she moved in with her daughter and her daughter lives 1 mile from my house. On top of that she recently got a job and becuase of her current chaotic living conditions, asked if she could use my home office during the day. I of course said yes. Thanks for the wishes I will need them.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Kbreeze, we all have to learn how to deal with these things, and it's never easy.

You can do it. First step is to tell her she cannot use your home office. Not easy, no. But you can do it.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm gonna say set her free. I read in another post you replied in where you had issues with groping women and porn/sex issues. You even made a thread about it, and how you feel you need help. So my suggestion is, cut her loose, and get into some counseling and not into another relationship until you have gotten some help.


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## kbreeze (May 29, 2012)

trey69 said:


> I'm gonna say set her free. I read in another post you replied in where you had issues with groping women and porn/sex issues. You even made a thread about it, and how you feel you need help. So my suggestion is, cut her loose, and get into some counseling and not into another relationship until you have gotten some help.


Thanks i will admit i have porn issues yes however the groping part was not me i was responding to another thread. I have been in couseling for my porn issues yes. Thanks for responding I appreciate it.


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