# The Confrontation



## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

I am so sad and don't know how to get beyond it................

Ok me and my husband have been married for 3 years next month. We are 6 months into a reconciliation. We split up 1 year ago for 5 months becasue we was lost and not getting along, we both copped out and disrespected the marriage so we had nowhere else to go but apart. 5 months away made me realize the split was petty and if there was proper communication in the marriage that probably wouldnt of happened. I decided to fight for my marriage and somehow we both came together on that decision and we have been good since.We moved away almost like a fresh start.

Saturday was our first time coming back to the old neighborhood for a family birthday/barbecue. I am aware that during our 5 month split there was someone else just like I did date a little during our split as well but that was then or so I thought.

We got there at 6pm sometime around 11:30pm I am noticing this woman looking at me so I am looking at her trying to figure out whats going on. The barbecue is in the back of the house and I am on the porch. Now I am very aware at this moment of the fact the person my husband dated during our seperation doesnt live far from the cook out but never in a million years did I think she would be sitting out side just a few feet from me. Though I noticed her checking me out I didn't say antyhing becasue I didn't know what the situation was.

I go back in the back to the cook out and notice she comes back to the back 20 min later with a group of other women. No one said anything including my husband so I figured maybe I was just being paranoid. 10 min later they walk pass us and the girl who was watching me outside asks my best friend if thats her man (refering to my husband) he gets up and says that enough we leaving. I am totally confused but it starts dawing on me that this has gotta be the woman he dated during our seperation and I was pissed. His best friend came over and asked me to come with him in the kitchen and this girl and the group of women exited the backyard talking all kind of crap, I was steaming mad for many many reasons. 1) how long had she been there eating, drinking and partying with friends and family as if she belonged there 2) How come I was the last to figure out she was there 3) I felt utterly and totally disrespected first by my husband and secondly by his family. He had an obligation to me to keep me in the loop specially on something like this. I would never be sitting and partying with a woman who slept with my husband someone should of told me and if my mother in law or husband saw her they should of asked her to leave... I felt totally blind sided by this event. Everyone knew what she looked like except me, I feel I looked like an idiot to be sitting there having fun when this woman was somewhere in the crowd pretending to be part of the family. I feel betrayed by husband. He says he never saw her until she walked past with her family and thats when he announced we were leaving. Really? Someone got on the dj mike and asked them to leave but why wait til it was at a 9 to ask her to leave. As we are heading to the front the people she is with are blocking her from walking over to me as if she was gonna do something to me. That didnt intimidate me at all I told them let her go then my husband and his cousin reminded me that we were there to celebrate his sisters birthday that it could not escalate to a fight. By then it was 1am and we were done we left but its been really chilly in my house since saturday. Am I wrong for feeling disrespected? The confort I had with his family died on saturday. How dare they have this woman mingling in the yard and no one let me know or hell just ask her to leave. The 1st person who should have is my husband then his mom or sister becasue aparently they know how she looks. His family not stopping this situation while it was at a 3 and letting it get to a level 8 hurts but I didn't marry them I married my husband. His part hurts more then anything. You don't see a woman show up you know has a grudge becasue you cut her off and came back to me and see her with a group of women and not bring me into the loop, thats putting me in harms way. He says once he did see her he was ready to go at that point he says he didn't want to start drama at his moms house on his sisters birthday but I cant understand why we left when it is our family......

Just still really hurt and disappointed by the people I call family and mostly by my husband who should of had my back. I feel instead of getting up and announcing we are leaveing he should have gave me a heads up the minute he noticed she was there then quietly asked her to leave and let her know she was not welcome there. Then if she tried to cause a commotion together we could have made the decision to leave or stay or how to deal with it so not to upset the family event. Isn't that what marriage is about having each others back and working together...... I feel left out there by him and don't know how to get over it...


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Wow, OK yeah that would be a horrific thing to experience  you can't go back in time at this point and leave. I'm sure the shock of it was partially what kept you there, waiting for someone to 'fix' the situation and make her leave. When this really comes full circle for you, you are more than likely going to be enraged beyond belief.

It sounds like they got to know her while you and hubby were split up. Hubby needs to tell the family that the two of you are working on your marriage and ex girlfriends aren't allowed. Why this wasn't done is beyond me, unless she has been getting encouragement from family members who prefer her to stick around. Ugly. That would be my take on it.

I'm sorry you went through that  you need some boundaries stat. Make it known to him in no uncertain terms that it was hurtful, disrespectful and demeaning to you. Don't blame mom for this, unless she personally invited the chick, she may have been as surprised as you and didn't know what to do.

Ugh again


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Ughhh indeed. 









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

LastUnicorn thanks for the advice....


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

hhmmmm... sounds like besides just a family cookout, it was sisters birthday cookout with neighborhood friends. 

Maybe the sister invited some neighbors/friends... and then she was invited from them... etc. etc.

I'd believe hubby. If he didn't know she was there.. and as soon as she walked up & asked your friend if your hubby was her man (passively aggressively trying to stir **** , because she 'knew' who's man it was)... and Your hubby said "Okay, were leaving now". You should have just let him difuse the situation & left with him then.

Maybe he did not "split" with her very well. Maybe she didn't know you were still in the picture & thought that he might show up at his sisters party & she wanted to catch up & talk to him... You were there & put a damper on her plans. Sounds like she drank too much & wanted to start a confrontation. Sounds like hubby didn't want a fight to start. ... So he said, lets go. 

Maybe I'm odd.. but I don't think you have a right to be mad at his family. They were having a neighborhood cook out with celebrating the sisters birthday. They have a right to do that. They may have not known that the lady did not take well to your hubby splitting up with her & going back to you.
It was not just "only family" at this cookout - obviously... Seems like neighbors were encouraged to come & go as they pleased. I'd leave it rest. I don't think hubby thought she'd be there. If he did think she might show up & told you "Hey, the gal I dated while we were seperated, might show up at my sisters birthday". Would you have wanted to go?? Would you have trusted him to go alone?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

I don't think family or anyone else planned this situation on purpose. This awkward situation happened because YOU & HUBBY split for a while and saw other people. So don't try to pin the blame on anyone except you two. Sorry I don't mean to be harsh but that is what it sounds like to me.


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

No Mel I don't think it was done purposely I just felt hurt because the people who had every right once they noticed she was there did not respectfully ask her to leave. It just bothered me that my husband nor in laws stepped up and difused the situation when they 1st spotted her. Like I told my husband the other day its no way we could be at a family function and anyone from my past specially someone who I dumped can come into the event with 6 or 7 other guys and I not disfuse it right away. Either I am going to go over to him and say I am not sure who invited you but this is a family event and I am gonna have to ask you to leave.... or if I can't difuse it we will leave. If I allowed him to enter the cook out and mingle in knowing he has a grudge and 7 guests with him and that my husband does not know what he looks like could be putting him in harms way..

Me and my husband really went in deep on this topic the other day and I am glad we could come to an understanding that it was not handled properly and from here on out we will have better communication.

As far as the family, we will never be as close as we use to because since the barbecue I have learned that ex-girlfriends of his stop by and visit his mom all the time, which doesn't sit well with me....


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