# Scared, but tired of the crap



## Lynn79 (May 25, 2012)

I'm in the middle of looking at a divorce. My Hubs and I have been together for 16 years - married for 12. Things have been difficult for a long time. There has been Abuse in the past that was pretty bad. At this point there is still abuse, but it's not physical. It's emotional. He constantly tells me how worthless I am. I've taken it for a long time because I thought it was best for my kids if we were together. I never really knew my father and didn't want that for them. 

My 15 yr old had gotten dragged into things because my husband is always telling him how he wants a divorce and he wants to take the kids from me, yada, yada, yada. 

I also recently found a profile on one of the dating sites that he has. I didn't know about it and still don't know if he used it to have an affair of any kind. Just to clarify, I got wind that he had one from a friend and created the profile of mine to see if he was there. I didn't add anything or use it. I've never cheated or thought of cheating. I'm just really hurt right now and am hoping I'm looking at doing the right thing. 

I have already started talking to a lawyer, but I'm still living with my husband and he knows nothing about what I'm doing. I'm afraid if I tell him, he's going to become combative. We've talked about it before and that's what happened in the past. 

I think my mind is pretty made up because of all this crap, but I'm an emotional wreck and trying to keep it in while I'm around him is hard. 

I don't want to leave until I have a temp custody order. That's the only real reason I'm still living here and haven't left yet. I do tetter on if I'm doing the right thing. I haven't worked most of our relationship so I'm afraid of providing for my kids. I'm afraid of being able to find a good place to live. I'm working with a safehouse in my town that says they will help me, but it's just that worry the entire time. 

Thanks for listening. Had to get that out.


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## annec72 (May 23, 2012)

I read your post. Sorry you are going through a hard time.
It's not easy to see light at the end of the tunnel but just know you are not alone. I am in the same boat and go back and fourth about leaving. Good luck-stay strong!


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Lynn79 said:


> I'm working with a safehouse in my town that says they will help me


That's the best place, especially when you have limited resources. During your stay, you can be looking for a job, and there will be child care available to you. They have access to public programs that pay some or all of your rent when you find a house/apartment for x amount of time (3 months - 3 years or more) depending on the programs they have available to them. The only thing is you need to talk with more than one safehouse since you're looking into things in advance. They don't all have the same resources. Some have more/better than others depending on the county, so call some in the next county or up north from where you are or south from you. Be sure to call those in the more affluent areas because they tend to have more support and more resources. Plus, you'll be far away and no way for him to know or even guess where you are.

You probably already know you can get a food card, but also there are programs that help pay utility bills. Once you have the financials in order, all you have to deal with are your fears. It won't be easy street and will take some work and determination, but you can do it. I did it and so can you

Just be sure to keep your head about you and don't lose control with him. Focus on getting out and what it takes for you to get safely away.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Get your financial situation in order, start saving cash, a little bit every week will add up fast. Also, look at getting a job, play it off as just trying to help the family with some bills and you want to get out of the house. I wish you the best of luck!


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## Lynn79 (May 25, 2012)

I know I have blame in the relationship falling apart too, but I feel like I've done everything I can to make it work. I wanted it to work. About two years ago there was a particularly bad physical attack from him and after the fighting was over he found a way to make it about him. He agreed to go to counceling and never went. Blamed not knowing if insurance would cover it. 

We aren't fighting and haven't been for awhile, but I have to wonder if it's because he's found someone else and is having some kind of relationship with them. He gets irritated if his friends don't want to call and go out. 

If it was just me, I'd have walked out and not thought twice, but when my kids are involved, it's hard to know if I'm doing what I can for them.


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## Lynn79 (May 25, 2012)

I forgot to mention that I am leaving the town I live in when I leave the house. The safehouse said they can help me with that and there are a lot of jobs in the town I'm going to. I think I can find something pretty fast there. 

I can't stay in the same town because he has a history of stalking with old girlfriends. I don't even want to go there with him. That's another reason I'm waiting on the temp custody because it goes with a stalking order too. And he doesn't have car that's good enough to get out of town. So, that would be one worry I wouldn't have to think about.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

No advice for you today, but lots of love and prayers for your safety and your kids' safety, too. Good luck on a positive, new life for ALL of you.


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## Lynn79 (May 25, 2012)

Well the calm broke today. My husband got mad and took a hammer to the computer I bought him. He then blamed me for not helping him figure out what was wrong with it. He threatened to spend the rent money on a new computer. When I didn't engage, he started telling me he was going to break my work computer. 

It scared my kids and they were afraid he was going to hit me with the hammer. He never got close, but the fact that it scared them really got to me. 

To think I was actually reconsidering until today. I have a plan in place. I just hope it works. 

Just wanted to give you all an update and thanks for your support. I really need it right now.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

My prayers go out to you and your kids.You and your children will all be breathing a big sigh of relief when you're out of this situation and away from this disturbed person.Please be careful and be safe.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lynn79 said:


> Well the calm broke today. My husband got mad and took a hammer to the computer I bought him. He then blamed me for not helping him figure out what was wrong with it. He threatened to spend the rent money on a new computer. When I didn't engage, he started telling me he was going to break my work computer.
> 
> It scared my kids and they were afraid he was going to hit me with the hammer. He never got close, but the fact that it scared them really got to me.
> 
> ...


Just when you think you can relax - it always seems to hit the fan doesn't it?
You sound like a smart woman with a well-thought-out plan. You sound very brave. Be careful with browsing history on computer. Wishing you and kids a safe and speedy exit from this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Lynn79 said:


> I know I have blame in the relationship falling apart too, but I feel like I've done everything I can to make it work. I wanted it to work. About two years ago there was a particularly bad physical attack from him and after the fighting was over he found a way to make it about him. He agreed to go to counceling and never went. Blamed not knowing if insurance would cover it.
> 
> We aren't fighting and haven't been for awhile, but I have to wonder if it's because he's found someone else and is having some kind of relationship with them. He gets irritated if his friends don't want to call and go out.
> 
> If it was just me, I'd have walked out and not thought twice, but when my kids are involved, it's hard to know if I'm doing what I can for them.


Please listen to what I'm about to say: You are thinking like an abused woman usually thinks. Admit it..you've actually said to yourself "He wouldn't hit me if I had done_____ better...."

If you've ever found youself thinking or saying this or something similar, you are a battered woman. I know you don't think of yourself that way, but you are.

I am a man, so hear me clearly on this: No psychologically healthy man ever hits his wife or girlfriend. Ever. No matter how cruel she may be (I could make an exception if you were phsycially attacking him and he was defending himself, but that doesn't soud like it's the case here). 

Nothing justifies a physical attack by one intimate partner upon another. NOTHING. No matter what "failings" you think are your fault, nothing you could have done (absent a phsyical attack you instigated yourself) would justify him attacking you.

And if he hasn't gone to counseling or even admitted he has a problem, there is little to no hope he will change. 

Abuse of the type you describe is generally constant (as in ongoing), but not continual (as in occurring every day). There is a distinct pattern of abuse....good days followed by tension followed by an attack of some kind, which is then followed by promises to change. And then the cycle repeats. If he hasn't attacked you lately, you're somewhere between the "promises to change," "good days (honeymoon)," or the "tension-building" stages. If you don't leave, another attack will happen. It might be today or it might not be until next year.

I only have what you said here to judge, but if you are being honest with us, I need you to hear what I'm saying: You are a battered woman and every single abused woman out there has had exactly the same thoughts you're having right now. Don't justify his behavior, don't rationalize it, don't blame yourself. 

You must protect yourself and get away from this man. And your plan to move out of the city is a great one. A woman's chances of being murdered increase 50% when she tries to leave an abusive spouse. More husband-on-wife murders occur AFTER the wife has made the decision to leave than before. Once you decide, don't let him talk you out of it and don't give in and tell him where you are! Your life (and your kids' lives) depend on it!


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## Lynn79 (May 25, 2012)

hurtnohio said:


> Please listen to what I'm about to say: You are thinking like an abused woman usually thinks. Admit it..you've actually said to yourself "He wouldn't hit me if I had done_____ better...."
> 
> If you've ever found youself thinking or saying this or something similar, you are a battered woman. I know you don't think of yourself that way, but you are.
> 
> ...


I know that now as I'm putting myself together. It doesn't make it easy and I really am scared that he's going to find me. I don't know what way he'll react. I don't know if he will set out to hurt me or kill me or if he will just do the pleading and begging thing. 

I have to stay in town long enough for the temp protection order to go to a more permanent thing. I never ever thought I'd have to do this. I always thought if I don't set him off or if I just go with it things will get better, but it's been 16 yrs and nothing has ever gotten better. 

I'm kind of hoping that he screws everything up here and has no choice but to go back to our home state and live with his parents. That would get rid of a lot of stress and fear. 

As for the computer, I am an amatuer computer tech, (wanted to go to college and he wouldn't let me.) so I lock my work computer and he hasn't really noticed anything on that front. I say it's to keep the kids out of my work stuff. That may have been part of the motivation for destroying his computer, so he could get on mine and snoop. I'm not sure.

I'm not saying I'm not to blame for anything. I've engaged in fights with him before. I never got physical because that would give him fair game to really beat the crap out of me, but we've gotten into yelling matches. After the last bad one, I just started watching for what would set him off and tried to avoid it. That worked to an extent, but there's always something and the constant worry that the wrong thing will set him off is too much. 

I've been "checking out" lately. Meaning I just kind of trance out and don't realize it. I have to get out or I'm going to end up a shell of myself. I've already given up so much. He made it impossible to go to college or to have a job that he didn't control. He makes comments anytime I'm working about how it's always inconveinent and how it bugs him. He was sure once I was having an affair with a co workers brother. I was forced to quit for that reason. 
There's too much to write, but I always let him off the hook. Made light of it or said it must be something I'm doing. 

I KNOW I need IC and will get right into it as soon as I'm out of here. My kids too. I'm just waiting on a safe time to leave. I can only take a carload of stuff and don't ever want to come back here for anything. Whatever is left is just left. 

Sorry for the long post. I just have limited people I can talk to. My mom is the only family I have and she was also abusive. Probably a lot of my problem. 

Thanks for listening.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Yelling back at someone who is yelling at you may not be the healthiest way to deal with things, but it's still no excuse for his behavior. He is a serious menace and a danger to the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lynn79 (May 25, 2012)

Well, I wanted to give you all an update. I left nearly two weeks ago now. At first it was really hard.I kept wondering if I'd done the right thing and now I know I did, but it's still not easy. We have almost no money and I'm having a hard time with that. I do odd jobs at the moment and am working on getting an apt. 

I found out through my lawyer that he moved and left everything at the old place. I have no idea if my stuff is there. It doesn't matter really, but it was kind of a shock that he left too. He did fight the protection order and we have a hearing this week on that. I don't think there's any way he's going to win, but who knows. 

My kids and I are 100 miles away from him and that makes me feel better, but I have to take them into town every other weekend to see him. Those are going to be hard days for me. 

I'm moving to the divorce folder now. Thank you for all of your encouraging words when I made this really hard choice.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Lynn,
In the order of protection you should ask for some child support until the D process gets going. The PO should be your bridge to the divorce process. With the PO, custody will be easy and permanent child support should follow. Also, you should take classes on how to fire and maintain a gun. Once you do this, buy a gun and make sure your STBXH gets word that you carry one. He should also understand that if he ever becomes physical with you that you will have no problems defending yourself or your children with deadly force if necessary. He will leave you alone after that.


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## DannieM (Jul 14, 2014)

I hope your plan went into effect yesterday - your family does not appear to be physically or emotionally safe.


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