# Lonely and Frustrated



## Neko (Dec 2, 2009)

My story:

28 years old, we've been married a little over two years. No kids. She was my first and only serious girlfriend, we were together but living separately for 5 years before marriage. After moving in together, I quickly found out that her unbelievable messiness and lack of cleaning, among other behaviours, were not something she would outgrow with time. I tolerated these things for a while, but I started to make it clear that she would have to improve if we were to continue living together. There were no serious emotional problems until last year - I still loved her, despite the childishness, and things were at least passionate in the bedroom. But starting last year I had to take numerous business trips and was away for up to a month at a time, and now about half my time is spent out of town. My company gives me time off after coming home, but I can't enjoy this free time with her, since she's in school full-time and working night shifts 30 hours a week. Even when I'm in town, I don't get to see her since I work 8am-4pm. Last year I was suffering from depression and agonizing loneliness - I had few friends to turn to. I made a conscious effort to turn my depression around and seek emotional support from people other than her. This worked, now I have a number of close friends with whom I feel I can share far more than I do with my own wife. Recently we've both said the same thing to each other: "I feel like I hardly know my own wife/husband."

On the rare occasions when we're home together, she plays facebook games rather than coming to bed with me at least until I fall asleep. I told her that our marriage needs help - I made 6 appointments with a marriage counsellor - she showed up half an hour late to the first one, and we only went to one other (she cancelled the rest). She still tells me that she loves me, but I'm not convinced. At the same time, she says things like "If we get divorced, I get to keep the cat!" and accuses me of "emotional cheating" (whatever that means) with other women. A month ago after a huge blowout she sent me a text saying I could "have the rings back." Then four days later she was all over me, as affectionate as ever before.

Am I crazy here? I'm so inexperienced with women that I really have no one else to compare to. Is it normal to come home to a house with toys (yes, her precious childhood toys) scattered on the floor? Grocery bags piled high on the table, not put away? Random piles of stuff everywhere, tables, floors, countertops, never puts anything away. And she is chronically late, for absolutely everything - school, work, appointments, meetings. And regularly makes me late if I go with her anywhere.

I feel like I deserve better. But I still care for her, and I can't understand why. She really does not respect my wishes for (at minimum) a reasonably clean house and being on time for important events. She's often callous and disrespectful in other ways too. We're the same age, and she has been in college on and off for the last 10 years, but has yet to graduate. Any comments or suggestions from anyone more experienced are welcome...


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Well yolu can't changed a leopards spots. my wife is like that about the piles. It got to me cause I wanted a cleaner house. You have 2 things. Accept this is who she is or leave. She is the only person that can change if she wants. You can express what you want but she has to make the choice if she wants to or not. 

Your expectations is what is hurting it. If you were ok with it you wouldn 't have a conflict about it. Let her be her cause if you try to get her to change it will bite you in the future. I speak from experience. You will get the You made me like this speech. What other problems are there?? Cause there as to be more then messy house and being late..


FB isn't the problem its the symptom of not working on the marriage so she spends her time somewhere else. It's very normal for people disconnected to lose themselves in something else. Talk to her about reconnecting and dating again..


----------

