# How Much "Freedom" Do You Have In Your Marriage?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Reading TAM has really opened my eyes pretty widely to the plethora of differences going on in all the marriages out there.

One of the points that seems to differ wildly from my marriage is the amount of "freedom" and independence allowed in the marriage; there seems to be a lot more restriction going on in the typical TAM marriage than we experience, which has been pretty illuminating.

So I ask this, a very broad question, in the hopes of getting a general idea about where everyone falls on the question of how much freedom you and your spouse "allow" one another.

Are you and your spouse allowed to befriend whomever you please? 

Do you and your spouse regulate how much time you spend with friends, or alone?

Do you ask for permission regarding most, if not all, financial decisions?

Are you allowed to have unchecked access to social networking?

In general, would you consider your marriage restrictive? Loose? Something in between?

Any, and all, thoughts on the matter are welcome.

:smthumbup:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

We are partners. We subscribe to POJA. Policy Of Joint Agreement. Our marriage is one of love and respect. We make major decisions together. Other than that we each have our areas we handle.

I have never had to question my wifes behavior or boundaries. I had an EA some 15 years ago. I did not know I was in one until I went through withdrawal. However, my wife saw it and I listened to her. She was right. Live and learn.

I find the games people play on her to be incredible. Basically not really married. More like going steady or FWBs.

We do not allow extramarital dating / hanging out. No close OSFs.
We call this faithful marriage.

We have full transparency.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Neither my husband nor I have any restrictions other then no casual relationships with the opposite sex. We discussed this together the first few months of our marriage and stuck with it.

My husband and I come and go when we please. There is no "asking". We just let each other we are going. I'm housebound, so I can't leave nor do I want to.

We both have passwords to each others accounts. They are on a sheet of paper near the computer, but neither of us has any reason to look. We believe in transparency. Neither one of us need to hide anything.

We are a very easy going couple. We support each other with our interests. My husband is a hunter, so he leaves to hunt/fish in Alaska as well as here every year. I love the 40lbs of salmon he brings home. Hunting season is coming up, so he'll be gone a few weekends. We also get along extremely well. I also love the venison he brings home as well.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ideally, if you and your spouse were on the same page for these important issues, then you would never feel like someone is controlling you because you want what your spouse wants anyway.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Reading TAM has really opened my eyes pretty widely to the plethora of differences going on in all the marriages out there.
> 
> One of the points that seems to differ wildly from my marriage is the amount of "freedom" and independence allowed in the marriage; there seems to be a lot more restriction going on in the typical TAM marriage than we experience, which has been pretty illuminating.
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We just talked about boundaries that work for us and it works. lol.

We are open NOW about finances. Way better than before!

We tried just "living" and that got us separated. Now we know expectations and have boundaries and so we don't feel restricted because we AGREED on those boundaries and expectations


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

One of the things I love the most about my husband is my freedom. However with freedom comes responsibility. My husband and I both understand this concept so these questions are a non issue for us. Neither of us would do anything jeopardize our marriage so therefore we are both free to live our lives as we see fit. 

Now on money just from a practical standpoint we do discuss money and out of the ordinary purchases with each other before doing them. Money isn't just rolling in so we do have to prioritize.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't forbid my husband to do anything. In the end I can only control myself. I can tell him though what I will do if he does something. :rofl:

We're both pretty easy going and laid back. I have some casual male friends I've known for years. My husband knows them, likes them, doesn't have a problem with platonic friendships. I consider my husband my best friend. The male friends are mostly people I exchange joke emails with or talk about current events or work stuff via email. Neither one of us keeps in touch with old boyfriends or girlfriends. 

We discuss financial matters and all our accounts are shared except for retirement accounts at work, but I don't monitor every single financial transaction he does. He is a big saver with few vices unless you count an addiction to Starbucks. He also has a side business but I'm a partner in the business. I can see the documents anytime I want. We're the only two employees of the business too so I don't have to worry about outsiders there.
I mostly leave it to him to run that side business, but he keeps me informed so I'm good there.

He's not on FB. I have a FB account but I log in maybe once a month, if that. I mostly use it to check on my nieces and nephews who are so into social media. They don't realize you can email photos. "Aunty, just check my Facebook page, ok?"
He knows my passwords. I know his. I'll ask him to check my email when I'm too busy and he does the same. He even knows my posting name here and on the other sites I visit.

We come and go as we please, but we call each other a few times a day or text a few times so I generally know where he is. He's not one to go to the bar or Hooters. So no worries there. His friends are all guys. He hasn't read any marriage/relationship books from start to finish, but always had good boundaries. I'm the one who had to educate myself, but being that I am generally very private, I had good boundaries from that fact alone.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm drinking up every single last one of your responses.

This stuff fascinates the hell out of me! Thanks.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I have freedom. I do what I want, spend what I want, but the caveat is that is all done with mutual respect. I ALWAYS consider my h's feelings and any consequences of my actions and visa versa. I go on girl's weekends, but act like a married lady, but hang with my girls and recharge my batteries.

I like how Mavash says "with freedom comes responsibility" so true. My H doesn't tell me what to do, that wouldn't fly with me. I'm very independent, always have been, but my family comes first and I will do nothing that will jeopardize that. We are a team.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I remind myself that if my partner wants me to avoid the opportunity to date other men, then he needs to make an equal sacrifice.

"Pal"ing around with other women just wouldn't cut it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Shiksa said:


> We are a team.


Same here. My husband and I both say "we're a team." He likes to go further and say "remember, there's no I or You in team..but there is T and A!" :rofl:


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## leopardprint (Sep 10, 2012)

I would say my marriage is probably more open and liberal than most of my friends. I cannot say for people on here because I have not read THAT much.

We are allowed to befriend whomever we please but spending quality time with that person one on one can be tricky. We both agree that platonic relationships remain only platonic for so long so if you're friends with someone from the opposite sex, it is fair to question what you're getting from them you can't get from your wife/husband. If it is a mutually agreed upon thing....like if he hated horror movies and I loved it and I don't like going to them alone and my guy friend is into it - that's valid. Vice versa. 

Socializing - we have a happy balance. We socialize with the same circles for the most part (sometimes guys nights or girls nights and those are apart obviously) but there is trust and everyone has met everyone else. No secrets there. We probably do separate outings once a month. (we are busy ppl okay)

financial - we both know each other's history and happenings. We share one joint for emergency purposes but really our money belongs to the marriage not to me or him. And I can buy whatever I need, want so long as it's reasonable and we can afford it. Same goes for him.

Access to accounts? No we don't have access to each other's facebook etc but why would we need to if we trust each other? It's kind of silly. If we feel the need to check, there's probably an issue!

I would say, I trust my husband in all ways. I am not jealous as a person so it's easier for me I think. I also believe he's got the best intentions. If something happens in our relationship that I don't like we just adress it. Forbidding someone to do something doesn't really solve the problem.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Shiksa said:


> We are a team.


I recall reading that Tiger Woods said that about him and Elin.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Are you and your spouse allowed to befriend whomever you please?


Yes. We can choose to befriend whomever we wish. However, if that friendship comes at the detriment of our marriage, it ends. This was agreed upon by both of us after we each had EAs. 



jaquen said:


> Do you and your spouse regulate how much time you spend with friends, or alone?


No. Really, we do most socializing together. If it was an OSF, neither of us would approve of "alone time" with such friends. But, we do have OSF... just not CLOSE OSF.



jaquen said:


> Do you ask for permission regarding most, if not all, financial decisions?


We have a joint checking account. Kinda goes with the territory, IMO, to run major purchases by each other...or even to verify that there is X amount in the account for whatever is needed to be purchased. That said, I am the one who usually goes shopping, and my mom or dad is usually the one taking me! LOL But I try to make sure that he has a bit of cash that he can spend as he chooses... or saves if he wishes.



jaquen said:


> Are you allowed to have unchecked access to social networking?


Hmmm.... yes and no. We both have Facebook. I have Twitter... I had Myspace... we both have instant messenger programs. However, we each give the other access whenever it is requested. He knows I post here, but has no desire to do so himself... maybe in the future, btu now... I think he sees it as my safe haven, kinda like "free marriage counseling" and advice lol.



jaquen said:


> In general, would you consider your marriage restrictive? Loose? Something in between?
> 
> Any, and all, thoughts on the matter are welcome.
> 
> :smthumbup:


I'd say it is a mix of the two. I mean we had very loose boundaries before... and it got us into trouble. We are still rebuilding, so it is a bit more restrictive than before. But we both prefer being accountable to each other, rather than doing whatever/whenever... no boundaries.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I typically have big issues with restrictive marriages, but when you've gone through some of the issues that Entropy3000 and Maricha75 are discussing in their marriages, that adds context and helps me appreciate the reason why some couples feel the need to close in the boundaries.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Are you and your spouse allowed to befriend whomever you please?
> 
> Do you and your spouse regulate how much time you spend with friends, or alone?
> 
> ...


1) I can be friends with the opposite sex, but I don't do activities with just the 2 of us. It is not so much a strict "rule," but mutual respect that my wife and I have. I know that if I went on something that came anywhere close to resembling a date, it would not only make her feel uncomfortable, but could also potentially damage both of our reputations.

2) My wife and I decide all of the major financial things together. One of the major things we decide is how we will spend money on minor things. Because we both came up with a budget and agreed to it, we ask the other if we want to do something outside of what we agreed to. It sounds a lot like "asking for permission," but the whole foundation of it is different. If you were in a contract with another party, both of you would have to be in agreement to amend the contract.

3) When my wife and I got married, we exchanged our usernames and passwords to everything we had. I never got in to the social networking stuff, but my wife has. If I want to, I can look up and see what she is doing on there, but I never do that. In a way we have "unchecked" access because we can do what we want, but in another sense it is "checked" because our spouse can look up and see everything that we do.

I've received a load of crap on this forum for mentioning that my wife and I have access to everything that each other has. Some people say that my wife and I have trust issues. In actuality, it has everything to do with preventing trust issues. We gave each other our credentials not because we were forced to, but because we wanted to. Both of us want to prove that we are trustworthy by being as transparent to each other as possible.

4) I would consider our marriage somewhere in between. We don't have a whole bunch of concrete "rules," but we restrict ourselves for the benefit of the other person. So while we are restricted, the restrictions are of our own doing and freely given as a sign of trust and respect.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Reading TAM has really opened my eyes pretty widely to the plethora of differences going on in all the marriages out there.
> 
> One of the points that seems to differ wildly from my marriage is the amount of "freedom" and independence allowed in the marriage; there seems to be a lot more restriction going on in the typical TAM marriage than we experience, which has been pretty illuminating.
> 
> ...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I cannot live in a restrictive environment / marriage. I cannot see myself living in a marriage where I have to constantly monitor my wife's actions , or she , mine. I am a firm believer in self discipline, and self governance.


This defines me to down to the letter. 

If I feel the need to monitor, than I need to be second guessing why I'm married to this person. I didn't get married to be a babysitter, a warden, or parent.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

We have pretty big boundaries. I can talk to whomever I like IRL, but any outsider must be oked and be willing to accept us as a duo. We are not into OSF's. We have what you could call "peoples". 

Just other folks we see all the time on the bus, or in the grocery store, or mall. 

We have one close friend that we love, and I tell husband every time we talk and what we talk about. 

We talk about big purchases. On payday he gives me money and I can do as I see fit. But if I come back asking for more the next day, I have some splanin to do. If money is tight then we both decide what is a good idea of spending. 

We share a phone. We have passwords to everything. I have 2 face books and a twitter account and 3 emails I use all the time and 2/3 others that I use when the main ones are used (for free things)

I am currently signed up with about 20 companies for free stuff. I keep all my info in a book. Names, dates, emails, passwords, company names. It's always around. He can look anytime he wants. 

He dosent check up on me that I know of, but I know at one point he did. And for all I know he does when I'm sleeping. 

I get email alerts on the phone, and if he wanted to he could just open the app, the little app sits on the screen, and the email is all signed in. 

And vice versa on his pod. 

We do get "alone" time but we usually spend all our time together. We have all our things in one room. So his time to play Xbox is my time for the computer, or reading. 

If he is using the computer I can use the phone for tam or read my huge stack of magazines. Our apt is small and with 4 kids and my mom, you are never alone. 

We like our alone time together. Every day we leave home after the kids are in bed and come out to a pub area and sit and talk for hours. This is the down and alone time.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

No stated restrictions ever. No restrictions on opposite sex friends, but it really doesn't come up. I like women as friends mostly, and my husband isn't big into social stuff. No restrictions n social media, I do facebook, hes not interested. 

We do have access to each other's passwords, not because of monitoring, just because we tend to use the same ones and we have 1Password for our financial stuff.

We each have a certain amount of discretionary spending money, the rest of our budget is discussed and agreed upon, with my husband having final say because he is much better with money than I am. 

I respect and trust him totally. I also have no issue with things like private porn use, so that's not a problem here. I don't think it's my right to police him sexually. 

We've known each other and been in love for more than 20 years. I think if something was there that needed more scrutiny, I would feel it.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Are you and your spouse allowed to befriend whomever you please?

No! Outside of quick (very quick) casual chit-chat, I expect her to keep her interactions with other men to a strict minimum.


Do you and your spouse regulate how much time you spend with friends, or alone?

We both set limits for the other regarding friends. I personally give her leeway with certain friends who I trust. NO wiggle room with the ones I don't. She objected to a friend of mine. So, I cut him loose. I don't have alot of friends anyway...don't like to watch them on tv either.


Do you ask for permission regarding most, if not all, financial decisions?

She is VERY good with money, so I let her handle the majority of the finances. As long as I am kept in the loop, I am ok with her being in control of this aspect.



Are you allowed to have unchecked access to social networking?

NO! Neither of us are. I could write a book on my experinces with this. Too many pitfalls!



In general, would you consider your marriage restrictive? Loose? Something in between?

Like everyone else here has said, as long as the boundaries can be agreed upon, it's all good. I think my marriage is very loose b/c we know what the rules are. Outside of that we can (and do) whatever we want.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Reading TAM has really opened my eyes pretty widely to the plethora of differences going on in all the marriages out there.
> 
> One of the points that seems to differ wildly from my marriage is the amount of "freedom" and independence allowed in the marriage; there seems to be a lot more restriction going on in the typical TAM marriage than we experience, which has been pretty illuminating.
> 
> ...


I guess we're lucky. We didn't have the "let's talk about boundaries" discussion but we talk a lot and if anything bothers one of us then the other one knows it.

I've learned a lot on TAM in regards to how bad stuff like EA sneaks up on people. I don't remember which thread got me here but it was a google search on honesty in marriage.

To the specific questions:
Are you and your spouse allowed to befriend whomever you please? 
It feels like we have freedom because we've not had to restrict each other. In reality though we do have restrictions. I have female work friends and she has male work friends but we don't do one-on-one time with them. We recently talked about OFS because of all I've seen on TAM. I just wanted her to know my thoughts on it. Fortunately she agree with me that OFS are not needed and potentially dangerous. We know everyone is fallible.


Do you and your spouse regulate how much time you spend with friends, or alone?
Not really but neither of us are extreme. I play golf with my buddies sometimes and she goes shopping with hers. I'd be okay with girls night out now and then depending on the girls. I would be uncomfortable with girls night out with single party friends if she still had any. She kind of disconnected from the party crowd years back.

She used to go on vacation every year with her family. It was fine except that they did it during her birthday week the last couple of times. She and I both like to spend time together on our birthdays so she stopped going. In the end though she choose to go with them or not. 


Do you ask for permission regarding most, if not all, financial decisions?
Anything important we do but not small things. Our finances appear separate but they are transparent. We are both on all accounts but she pays some bills and I pay others. Really I have too much freedom but I just don't abuse it.

Are you allowed to have unchecked access to social networking?
I'm a computer guy and she hates computers. Again, I have too much freedom but I don't abuse it. I've given her all my passwords but to be honest I think she has blind trust in me so I'm sure she forgot them right away. Either way all she has to do is ask and I'll give them to her again.

In general, would you consider your marriage restrictive? Loose? Something in between?
That's hard to define. I consider it healthy and right in the middle.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Our finances are shared. I'm a Facebooker, he isn't, but he's able to look through mine whenever, so that he can see family photos, etc, as I'm friends with several of his family members. Op sex friends should be friends of both of us; any man-friends I had when I met my H were quickly introduced and I stopped spending any time alone with them. Mostly, they were from work anyway, so no real alone time. One guy friend, that I've known for 20 years, stopped contacting me out of respect for my H. Me and H contact him, but he feels it would be stepping on my H's toes to contact me. Last time we saw him, he took H's number. 

2 out of 3 of H's op sex friends were not really friends, so they had to go...one was trying to date my husband, and the other was trying to insinuate herself into my husband's life behind my back, after over 2 years of ignoring him due to my presence in his life. She also happened to be an ex. "No thanks, we don't need your presence in our relationship.", she was told. The third female friend is a couple friend now; we attended her wedding, have gone out to dinner etc...they do not spend time alone. Ever.

Friend time; I don't do a lot of that to begin with, and H doesn't either. We too, spend most of our time together, outside of working life. The marriage does not feel restrictive, we like it this way.

We date each other regularly; solo time without children, and one on one, mostly. At least one date night out a week, as well as a solo night in.

One thing I won't abide, is any secrecy between us. And if I felt that I had to ask 'permission' for something, I'm not sure I should really be doing it...!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Are you and your spouse allowed to befriend whomever you please?

*Absolutely. But do not hide the friendship.*

Do you and your spouse regulate how much time you spend with friends, or alone?

*Not at all. But then again we have kids and are very busy with them. So any free time tends to be spent together.*

Do you ask for permission regarding most, if not all, financial decisions?

*We discuss all major purchases as we live on a very tight budget. But day to day expenses are not discussed unless money is extremely tight.*

Are you allowed to have unchecked access to social networking?

*Prior to the affair, yes. After, not until I am ready to let it go.*

In general, would you consider your marriage restrictive? Loose? Something in between?

*Ours is in between. I consider it a true partnership. Everything runs smooth until you screw the other partner over.*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jaquen said:


> Are you and your spouse allowed to befriend whomever you please?


 Not sure if you mean this in a "Facebook way" or ?? We talk to whomever we want to -he has never felt slighted / disrespected /worried by my actions as a wife, nor have I felt this by his actions as a husband towards any opposite sex friend/ acquaintence/ co-worker /anything. Our rule is -they become BOTH our friends equally. IF he goes out without me, or Me without him, we are always easger to share who we ran into , what we talked about , the juicier... the better. 



> Do you and your spouse regulate how much time you spend with friends, or alone?


 We've never had too, because we enjoy being together too much as it is, the only thing my husband held agaisnt me in the past was--too much fuss over the kids, never friends. I was one of the ladies in my Mops group who never cared to join in on their overnights- cause frankly I'd miss my husband! Didn't want to hang out with the girls - We like getting together with other couples more so. He's never been one to hang with the guys either, just likes coming home to the family.



> Do you ask for permission regarding most, if not all, financial decisions?


 I do the research, look for the best deals, and yes ,we talk thoroughly about any larger purchases that can put a dent in our finances. Sometimes it's a "yes"..... sometimes it's a "we don't really need that"....sometimes it's a "let's wait awhile" .....but NEVER any big surprises, this is just out of respect....Always been on the same page here, we've never had a fight over $$ in our marraige. We're both savers and "anticipators" when we're looking to buy. We refuse to pay interest on anything.



> Are you allowed to have unchecked access to social networking?


 We both have each others passwards to all accounts -but I can't say either one of us ever goes in and checks.... We share computers sometimes -I've been in his email , he's been in Mine, weve used each other's FB's -checked them out cause his/my page was up, we both call each other over & read things friends commented, all that good stuff. I guess one could call it unchecked, we don't really think about it -but yeah, we trust, it's that willing transparency thing again.



> In general, would you consider your marriage restrictive? Loose? Something in between?


I'd consider our marriage Looser than most -I feel I have total freedom to do whatever I want really... For me (and him I know)....our consciences would be screaming within if we ever did anything against the other, hiding some budding LIKE or interest in the opposite sex....going over some edge that I know would be disrespectful to my husband, or he to me.... we are just too close & intertwined with each other to allow such a thing... ...whether that is out & about talking to people -or online with strangers. He was even willing to join TAM -just to be a little part of my world here, darn I wish he would drop in a little more though.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

According to Dr. Janet G. Woititz, a common characteristic of children of alcoholics is:

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal is.

If your spouse is out there doing whatever they please while at the same time they are guessing what normal is, your marriage is at risk. Know your spouses family history and know that your in-laws' behavior may necessarily have a lot more effect on how you should structure your marriage than you may think.


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