# I could cheat too...probably a lot easier &#x1f612;



## AmeliaS (Apr 29, 2018)

Is it normal to think of all your ex’s you know still want you and all the people you have turned down since being married because you were being the loyal dutiful spouse after being cheated on. Never realized how much temptation is actually out there and how purposefully I have avoided it until I found out about my husbands brief affair... I’m just thinking REALLY DUDE?? I can do the same thing times TEN and it would be someone who looks 10x better than you and make way more money than you....excuse my tangent...I’m in my thoughts. 

As a reminder I’m the one who’s husband cheated in 2016, I found out Mother’s Day 2017 and here we are a yr later still putting pieces back together and trying to R.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Part of the R includes you NOT cheating. That aside it is common for the cheated on partner to think about a revenge affair. Just don't do it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yes, you must continue giving 110% love and loyalty to someone who clearly DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE YOU THE SAME.

Yay!

Your alcoholic cheater thought *nothing* of screwing around on you with a friend - your neighbor - anywhere he felt like it. Your house, their house...whatever. And of course the liar was planning on taking his dirty little secret to the grave until SHE confessed to you what they'd done. Not him. Her. yeah, he's a peach for sure.

Oh, and let's not forget your marriage was a mere 4 years old when he did this.

What you're *not* thinking about is how many times he HAS gotten away with this crap that you still don't know about. Do you honestly think that the ONLY time he's ever cheated on you, you just _happened _to be told about it????? Not on your life.

I hope he's worth the price tag. In my opinion, most of them are *not*.

Good luck to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AmeliaS said:


> Is it normal to think of all your ex’s you know still want you and all the people you have turned down since being married because you were being the loyal dutiful spouse after being cheated on. Never realized how much temptation is actually out there and how purposefully I have avoided it until I found out about my husbands brief affair... I’m just thinking REALLY DUDE?? I can do the same thing times TEN and it would be someone who looks 10x better than you and make way more money than you....excuse my tangent...I’m in my thoughts.
> 
> As a reminder I’m the one who’s husband cheated in 2016, I found out Mother’s Day 2017 and here we are a yr later still putting pieces back together and trying to R.


I actually had a revenge affair. It hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I actually had a revenge affair. It hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.



What? Why? 
Was the revenge with a brick wall? Which part got hurt?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Revenge affairs are pointless. Yes you get even, but even on what? Even on being a cheater. If you want to lower yourself to the level of a cheater, it's not going to help you or your marriage. If you want to cheat to get revenge, just divorce him and move on.

If you think anyone that would be interested in you is that much better than your husband, then why are you with someone who you view as substandard? Unless you forgive your husband, which you obviously haven't, and unless your husband truly turns from his evil ways that caused this marriage problem, neither of you is ever going to be happy in your marriage.

You are making a choice to be with your husband. No one is forcing you to stay with him. If he's such a substandard example of manhood, why are you with him? Why are you choosing this?

These are questions you might want to answer in order to decide what the best course of action is for your life, because clearly you are not happily married and based on what you have written here, you aren't headed in the direction of a happy marriage either.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, you could.
Yes, you could cheat, lay with a man, him/you naked.

Do so, this, every day of the week.
Do so, this, every which way, sneak.

Having done so, this.

Do so, walk away slow, head low, you weak.

Now, you will be at his level, a low level for your once proud head.
Now, lest you now sully your skirt, please put this idea to bed.

Divorce then cavort.
Then, it will be for fun, not revenge.
Bringing no storm into your port.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Cheating is never part of the "Reconciliation Equation" ~ Don't do it!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Revenge affairs are pointless. Yes you get even, but even on what? Even on being a cheater. If you want to lower yourself to the level of a cheater, it's not going to help you or your marriage. If you want to cheat to get revenge, just divorce him and move on.
> 
> If you think anyone that would be interested in you is that much better than your husband, then why are you with someone who you view as substandard? Unless you forgive your husband, which you obviously haven't, and unless your husband truly turns from his evil ways that caused this marriage problem, neither of you is ever going to be happy in your marriage.
> 
> ...


She is choosing THIS because she is pissed.
Remains in a piss-poor state.
Likely a piss-rich, rampant state.

Her bladder is full of his blather, his lame excuses.

She is at the anger stage.

It will be followed by the acceptance stage, followed by the 'somewhat' indifferent stage.

She will likely forever hold a grudge. 
From her anger, from her disgust, she will not budge.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's perfectly normal to have all sorts of dark and disturbing thoughts and feelings after that kind of betrayal. 

Thinking it is one thing. Actually doing it is another.

But yes, any woman can have endless opportunities for sex at her finger tips and all she has to do is simply not say no. 

In fact, one of the reasons that female promiscuity is looked down upon and female infidelity is often triggers a harsher response is because it is so easy for women to get sex and so easy for a woman to cheat. Literally any woman could do it. 

People do not admire or respect that which comes easy. 

Literally any woman could go out and screw a ton of men without any effort as means of hurting their partner. It would be the easiest and most hurtful thing that she could do. 

That's why people often say that the best revenge is living well and having a rich and full life. 

Screwing guys (even guys better looking and more money) is the easiest and least labor intensive thing any woman can do. 

Living a rich and full life is something that takes effort and planning and work and not everyone can do it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On this, this revenge cheating.

On TAM, all will say no.
No, no way.

But they are not you, are not living in your skin, your situation.
I too would say no. As most women could not handle the guilt.

Sleeping with a man. 
Holding him so close. 

Doing so for revenge, not for passion, not for love.

Now, if it were possible to do it for love....well that is a choice well worth the thinking, the thought.
Likely, no more than a thought. 

A sweet thought.

A thought left in a warm thought's embrace.
A thought taken to bed, held close. Nothing more.
A thought never realized.


The Typist I, from his notes.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd say it's pretty normal for someone in your situation. Why not dump him and pick one of the better prospects you think you can attract?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think a key differentiation here is are the thoughts and feelings you are having about wanting to inflict pain upon him and pump up your own ego and your own feelings of attractiveness?

Or are you actually wanting to be with someone else (who may be better looking, have more money and not be a cheating alcoholic)? 

Those are two different things. 

The former is simply part of the anger stage and probably a normal part of being hurt and betrayed. In your other post, people suggested therapy. That will probably help work through some of these dark and disturbing thoughts and feelings. 

If you are actually wanting to be with someone that is a better fit for you, then you kinda need to go back to the drawing board and determine if you actually want to continue to try to reconcile this marriage or not. 

And again, individual therapy can help you sift through all the layers and determine what it is that you want to do and what will be best for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters are stupid. Don't even think about being one. You'd love to punish him but that would be to divorce him -- not drag yourself down to his level. So continue fantasizing if it makes you feel better but don't act. It takes years to rebuild a marriage after infidelity -- it's a difficult process and obviously there are no guarantees -- so be prepared.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> What? Why?
> Was the revenge with a brick wall? Which part got hurt?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I could not cope with the reality that I had cheated. 

I ended up needing antidepressants for a time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I could not cope with the reality that I had cheated.
> 
> I ended up needing antidepressants for a time.


Exactly. You realized that you had sunken to her level rather than working through it and making a decision of whether it was worth it to you to stay with her base on the merits. It also muddies the whole situation. Now you are both cheaters. It makes it worse rather than better. I'm glad you've worked through it Matt. You are a good man.



CynthiaDe said:


> Revenge affairs are pointless. Yes you get even, but even on what? Even on being a cheater. If you want to lower yourself to the level of a cheater, it's not going to help you or your marriage. If you want to cheat to get revenge, just divorce him and move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> Exactly. You realized that you had sunken to her level rather than working through it and making a decision of whether it was worth it to you to stay with her base on the merits. It also muddies the whole situation. Now you are both cheaters. It makes it worse rather than better. I'm glad you've worked through it Matt. You are a good man.


My wife's cheating was the result of several factors including mental health issues.

Mine was the result of selfmedication with alcohol to try to cope with being cheated on by another partner.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@AmeliaS

Alas....

It seems she cheated on us. 
Gave us the wink, then blink...she is gone.

Please come back, give us not a one woman band. 
One post to rest our laurels, our posteriors, our laments.



KB-


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Yes you could cheat and as a woman could have more sex than he ever would have in a lifetime. You could, however you won't because that is not your nature. If you had wanted to cheat you would have already done it by now. What you wanted was a committed relation and unfortunately that didn't happen. What you need to consider is whether you get over his indiscretion. Some people immediate forgive and go on with life, while other never get over the hurt, no matter what the offending spouse does to gain back their trust. This is not right or wrong, it's just who we are as individuals. You see it here many times that people will recommend divorce after one offense, while others recommend that you should give it another try. Neither advice is right or wrong, it is just their position on the issue of infidelity. In my case I chose to attempt to reconcile and unfortunately she continued her evil ways. I don't regret trying, but divorced and remarried a lovely young lady and have been happily married for many years. You know the situation better than anyone else, I know you are trying, but if you are unable to get over the hurt or he is not giving his all, then you need to consider moving on. You deserve to live a long happy life.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> I actually had a revenge affair. It hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.


As someone who has never cheated or been cheated on, I find this fascinating. Did you ever do a thread on this? I'd be keen to learn more if you had felt like sharing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> As someone who has never cheated or been cheated on, I find this fascinating. Did you ever do a thread on this? I'd be keen to learn more if you had felt like sharing.


It's all still there, somewhere on TAM.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

AmeliaS said:


> it would be someone who looks 10x better than you and make way more money than you....


Yes, and thinking about saying this is one of those temptations which is not "out there", rather "in here".....but it will bring about the same kind of 
results in your marriage as if you actually did the cheating.

However, it is completely "normal" to want to get revenge on someone who has hurt us, and to figure out the thing we could do that would have the most "bang for the buck".

This statement, like cheating itself, is "toothpaste out of the tube"..... once said, it can't be unsaid....and, will bring about strong regret for the future.

Best wishes to you and your H.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AmeliaS said:


> Is it normal to think of all your ex’s you know still want you and all the people you have turned down since being married because you were being the loyal dutiful spouse after being cheated on. Never realized how much temptation is actually out there and how purposefully I have avoided it until I found out about my husbands brief affair... I’m just thinking REALLY DUDE?? I can do the same thing times TEN and it would be someone who looks 10x better than you and make way more money than you....excuse my tangent...I’m in my thoughts.
> 
> As a reminder I’m the one who’s husband cheated in 2016, I found out Mother’s Day 2017 and here we are a yr later still putting pieces back together and trying to R.


I get the sentiment but if you feel that way why not just move on. Instead of having a fling then maybe you could meet someone who looks 10x better, makes more money and is faithful. Won't do that if you are still married though. Just saying.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sure you could cheat.

You could also slam your fingers in the car door.

You could drink Draino.

You could cut your own hair down to the roots with a pair of scissors.

You could strip naked and walk down your street, screaming at the top of your voice.

Just because you could do something doesn't mean you will do it. You choose your behavior.

Keep your dignity, your safety (you could get STDs cheating), and self respect. 

Your husband blew up his integrity and your trust.

Doing the same thing your husband did will accomplish nothing good for you. Nor will it take your marriage back to its pre-affair state.

If you want to hurt him, call him a dishonest cheater and leave it at that.


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## AmeliaS (Apr 29, 2018)

I didn’t say I wanted to cheat. I don’t and I won’t. I’d leave before I’d do something like that.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

AmeliaS said:


> Is it normal to think of all your ex’s you know still want you and all the people you have turned down since being married because you were being the loyal dutiful spouse after being cheated on. Never realized how much temptation is actually out there and how purposefully I have avoided it until I found out about my husbands brief affair... I’m just thinking REALLY DUDE?? I can do the same thing times TEN and it would be someone who looks 10x better than you and make way more money than you....excuse my tangent...I’m in my thoughts.
> 
> As a reminder I’m the one who’s husband cheated in 2016, I found out Mother’s Day 2017 and here we are a yr later still putting pieces back together and trying to R.


Of course you could cheat more easily. Most jokes are based on a reality that we're uncomfortable with. Here's one that's applicable:

"What does it take for a woman to want sex? She has to feel secure, safe, and comfortable. The man has to be pleasing to her eyes, a good listener and clearly makes her a priority. Birth control and protection against infection must be in place.

"What does it take for a man to want sex? A woman in the room."

Gottman and other researchers have presented evidence that more women cheat...and it's not a small number. However, they claim, more men WANT to, but don't have what it takes to get a woman to be interested in a one-nighter. This, they claim, comes directly from biology. Men are driven to want to spread their seed. Women are biologically conditioned to allow it only when in a situation where it is safe to have and raise a child. Therefore, the control over reproduction, biologically, belongs to the woman. This is so deeply built into our biology that we don't have to think at all in order to believe it's true. We "feel" it.

I've always found it fascinating, this notion that the person doing the asking is not in control. Think of buying a car. The car saleswoman is not in charge. She is working her brain off, trying to figure out what motivates you, seeing how you respond to questions, seeing how you talk about your life and what's important and then she tries to serve up reasons why this particular car suits you. You, the buyer, control the final outcome by saying "yes" or "no". And this is the situation in every human interaction where one person approaches and the other one accepts or declines. It is the respondent who's in charge.

==

But - I LOVED the first topic you brought up - what about exes and never-was?

I do that. I tend to highlight the good parts. Just as an example, I had been introduced to a single mom back in '95 or so. She was incredible, by my standards. She was energetic, well-traveled, well-read, embraced sex positivity, had wide tastes in music, dance and food. She loved the outdoors as much as I did. We went out once, and she made it clear that she was ready any time I was...but she also disclosed an incredible "need to control". And something I have a hard time categorizing. Her ex husband and herself still lived in the same house. They slept in separate rooms. They dated and had lovers overnight. Their 4 year old son was still in the house. They did not want him to know they had gotten divorced. Did he know that Mom and Dad both had lovers in their separate rooms on occasion? Yes. My desires for her were well in place, we headed to her house and found son and ex in a massive argument. She begged off, hoping to resolve that situation, and we agreed we'd conclude on another night. But I couldn't. 

I got married a year later, to a woman who was pretty much dead...I had thought of her as merely calm, but would find out within a few years that she was seething inside, loaded with fear, and simply had learned to hide it. I learned from that marriage, but would have been better off ending in quickly. And, many times while having sex with the "compliant but not enthusiastic" woman that the wife became after the initial year, I wondered what it would have been like with the energetic, world-traveling control-freak single mom.....


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

IMO, you can't cheat on a cheater...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I hear you! I think the same thing at times!

It sounds bad but often I think that I have never cheated on my H and I could have but never did, not even close. Sometimes it bugs me because I feel like he is thinking that I have not cheated on him because he is so great and I am everything that he wants...yet he justifies him having EA's on me because he was not getting what he needed from me.

Like in my head he is thinking, of course she has not nor would she cheat on me because I am such a great husband.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AmeliaS said:


> I didn’t say I wanted to cheat. I don’t and I won’t. I’d leave before I’d do something like that.


Are you saying this to remain in our good graces? 

Or, have the TAM posters convinced you to not lower your standards?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> As someone who has never cheated or been cheated on, I find this fascinating. Did you ever do a thread on this? I'd be keen to learn more if you had felt like sharing.


possibly because he damaged his own value system and integrity. If the only thing keeping you faithful is the fidelity of someone else then you're looking for outside validation in which to prove your self worth.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

there are only a few car salesmen and way more car buyers

the advantage is in the salesman favor. we cannot get a car anywhere else

more people want cars then there are cars for sale

women control the sex, they have what every man wants,
so they can be selective, biological evolution has them
pass on those men not deemed DNA donor worthy,
they only have so many eggs and time to have a
limited numbers of kids, they want to make
each one count


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> @AmeliaS
> 
> Alas....
> 
> ...


 I read yanny.


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