# Christmas blues



## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Why is it that holidays tend to bring even more clarity (and pain) to the situation you are in? It's the worst time to deal with problems. Almost impossible. I have only written a small part of my story here... I do intend to sometime get the courage to write it all to get more advice. But for now I am overwhelmed with it being Christmas and dealing with relationship difficulties. I guess I'm just looking for comraderie for now, wondering if anyone else out there is having a tough day with Christmas too... to maybe post on this thread here and there if only for today to keep my sanity. I'm feeling pretty down... going to try to sleep for a few hours and am uncertain as to how my Christmas will go when I wake up. This may be the first Christmas that I may spend alone. It's the worst and most lonely feeling.

ETA i will say that it has to do with my boyfriend's anger issues, just to be less vague. But really for now I just want a place to be able to post for today should he choose to ruin Christmas.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your sadness. This is a time of of joy and happiness for many people, but for some it seems like a hopeless and dreadful time. I would suggest if the weather permits get out and go for a walk. Try to find something positive to focus on. Life is full trials and tribulations, but most are only temporary.

For me as a Christian, Christmas is when we celebrate the Birth of my saviour Jesus. Jesus came to bring salvation for mankind that was bound in sin, and separated from God due to those sins. When I'm down I pray and meditate on the Lord. Be warned though God is not a genie, he will not grant your wishes, He will be there for you during your trials and tribulations. My prayer for you is that you find peace and comfort today, and that it carries you til you times are better. May God bless you and keep you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I hope things go alright for you. I agree with Thound. I also know the sadness Christmas can bring when confronting life's issues. Hopefully, this will bring you a little smile and some relief. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe this will be one?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @HurtWithHope ~ I sincerely regret to hear that you too, feel alone! In fact, I should also feel alone because if a member of my football officiating crew who resides not far from here hadn't asked me over to Christmas Dinner later today, I was fully prepared to fix dinner for one and share it with my internal gratitude and eternal thanks with the namesake of this very special Holiday!

Then the "snowball effect" kicked in when both of my sons suddenly elected to join us instead of their skanky, benevolent stepmom!

I feel genuine concern for folks like us who will often spend time alone, whether by voluntary choice or by some heartless, calculating, exclusionary measures, from their loved ones during the tenure of this most beloved season! 

But I do hope that you are able to share it with someone who genuinely cares for you! But perchance that you end up spending this day, or for that matter, any day alone, and even dining on the simplest of fare, know this ~ that you are not alone! For the presence of the Holy Spirit will always be there with you!

Just open up your heart, and let that most loving presence come into and permeate it! Once there, it will fastly occupy it and allay any of your fears for the rest of your life!

May our Heavenly Father continue to stroll forward alongside you and to always stay within the confines your heart! May God bless!*


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

thank you all... I know that Christmas is more than just the pomp and circumstance... and I know many people spend it alone. Perhaps it is childish, but even though I've been in a difficult situation prior to this, Christmas was always still fairly normal and spent with people that cared about me fully... this is the first year Christmas will be just like any other day. It is scary and sobering. I have no alternatives to spend the day with outside of him this year unfortunately. I just wish the circumstances could have been delayed even one day so this day could have been spent in love and joy. All your words were comforting as my faith is very important to me as well... thank you. This sucks.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

No it's not childish. When you're hurting, you are hurting. Just know this, the pain and hurt you are feeling now is only temporary. Only worry about what you can control, and let the rest take care of itself.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Have a Merry Christmas Arb!

Merry Christmas all!


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## mrszaire (Dec 26, 2016)

I'm new here but wanted to offer a (((((BIG HUG))))) to the OP. I hope you survived your Christmas day sufficiently. Family and relationship issues can definitely put a damper on what should be a joyous day/season. I wish you well in your relationship.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I hate Christmas. That's all I'm willing to say at the moment. I hate Christmas.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I hope the day wasn't as bad as you thought it might be. I'm so sorry you felt so alone 

No other holiday rams home or highlights issues quite like Christmas. It can be a very lonely, heartbreaking time for some.

I hope today is better for you xx


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

My marriage basically ended on Christmas Eve when my husband left me (and our 2 month old baby) with family for the holidays and simply never came back. I used to love Christmas but now it is a major trigger for memories of what was probably the most painful time of my life. I often suffer from major anxiety attacks this time of year.

I do my best to enjoy it, but I'm glad it's over for another year.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Last Christmas (2015), my then wife was the worst b*tch ever. She was so cruel to me and my mom. It woke me up. I read No More Mr. Nice Guy the next day. I left her 3 weeks later (1-14-16). I was divorced 6 months later.

Don't cry or feel sorry for yourself. Take action to make 2017 the best year yet for you. I will say, even with a divorce with losing half my stuff and seeing my kids 2-3 days a week, 2016 has been the best year of my 35 years on this planet. You can do the same. You just have to take action and not be afraid of the unknown. You will be amazed how fast a year goes by and your life will be completely different.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I'm sorry I didnt post until today... God knows i needed to on christmas like intended... I didn't have a phone until today because he destroyed it... The cops ended up coming because he pushed me into a wall and locked me in a room and just so many horrible things... I knew christmas was going to be bad but didn't know it would be that awful... I'm still in shock. Currently in a hotel figuring out how to get out of here. I've been battling health issues and this couldnt come at a worse time... I'm so hurt and lonley and angry


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

HurtWithHope said:


> I'm sorry I didnt post until today... God knows i needed to on Christmas like intended... I didn't have a phone until today because he destroyed it... The cops ended up coming because he pushed me into a wall and locked me in a room and just so many horrible things... I knew christmas was going to be bad but didn't know it would be that awful... I'm still in shock. Currently in a hotel figuring out how to get out of here. I've been battling health issues and this couldnt come at a worse time... I'm so hurt and lonley and angry


Oh my gosh I am so sorry to hear this. What a nightmare. It sounds like you are okay physically, though extremely traumatized I am sure. I hope that by this time next year you are happy and healthy come Christmas and you will be able to look back on this year and feel it was a blessing in disguise - a Christmas miracle to get you out of that horrible relationship. 2017 is the year you get your life back. God Bless You.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I know... It all ended so quickly in that incident... Here I've been waiting to write our whole background and issues to get advice from this forum... And now its no longer needed. He's been emotionally abusive and thrown things before... But never been physical with me directly before... I wish I could go back to last week when we were still together and cuddling on the couch... Had no idea what this week had in store  I know theres no going back now... And he's always had his issues... But I'm still sad. Stupidest thing of all? I'm sad I'll never get to see his face opening the presents I got him... Still wrapped and had been thrown down the hall by him... All because I asked him to not tease my dog in a way that scares her... Then he was mad that I wasn't touching him enough after he yelled in my face that my dog is fine... Just stupidness. And somehow I still miss him... The good parts of him.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Why am I having an overwhelming feeling of wanting him to come rescue me... Show up at hotel and take me in his arms... He blames me for being "so eager to give my testimony to the cops" and cant trust me ever again... I know what he did was wrong but I can't help but feel incredibly guilty and regret. How can I never sleep next to him ever again??? The thought is sending me into a panic tonight


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

He's not going to rescue you. 

Only bring you more emotional and physical pain. 

You miss the idea of that man, not the reality. You miss the scraps of togetherness and attention he gave you. 

You know it's not enough, yet you miss it anyway.

You lived a life without him before. You can do it again. The sooner you do it now, the sooner you can work your confidence back and find someone worth your time and attention.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

You're probably right. Those scraps of attention were divine though... But speckled with terribleness. It also probably doesn't help that I'm alone in hotel in his town... About to spend new years alone... Probably can't get out of here until next week. It's driving me crazy.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

HurtWithHope said:


> I know theres no going back now... And somehow I still miss him...


I'm so glad to read that you know you must NOT go back...ever.

Sweetheart, you're not missing him, you're missing the man you _thought _he was - big difference.



HurtWithHope said:


> Why am I having an overwhelming feeling of wanting him to come rescue me... Show up at hotel and take me in his arms... *He blames me for being "so eager to give my testimony to the cops" and cant trust me ever again... I know what he did was wrong but I can't help but feel incredibly guilty and regret*. How can I never sleep next to him ever again??? The thought is sending me into a panic tonight


Classic abuser behaviour - blaming the victim for the consequences of the abusers behaviour. Oh how I wish I could say this directly to him "Guess what knobjockey? OP is NOT the one who can't be trusted! You're in the position you're in with the police because of CHOICES YOU MADE!" 



HurtWithHope said:


> It also probably doesn't help that I'm alone in hotel in his town... About to spend new years alone...


You'll be fine honey. NYE is just like any other night. No biggie. You are FAR better off alone and safe in a hotel room, than with him. 

Promise me you will not talk to him again for any reason.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's an abuser. And scaring your dog? No. 

I hope you get out and stay out.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

frusdil said:


> HurtWithHope said:
> 
> 
> > I know theres no going back now... And somehow I still miss him...
> ...


Its hard because I've heard of this and also believe it to be true, and yet I can't stop feeling like I could have prevented this by not doing the simple things he said he is angry about! I literally feel like i did something wrong. I feel shame. 

Ugh it's driving me crazy that since he made sure I didn't have my iPhone that I could only afford a crappy go phone from Walmart and it's a major pain to type on. I feel like I can't convey everything correctly.

I feel so back and forth... Loving him then wanting to get away. I ventured out to the store today and that triggered me for some reason and made me feel an intense need for him. I hate it.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I realize that I don't really have relationship to ask for advice for anymore and thats likely why my thread has gone dead...but I can't help but feel compelled to share about it as it was so important to me... I leave tomorrow and the reality of that has me feeling completely sick about it... Haven't slept a wink since I got the ticket bought. He's giving me mixed signals... I just don't know if I'm OK with not having him in my future. At this point however I have no choice but to go. Not thrilled about having to live with my parents for a while either.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hon, you have such a great life ahead of you. Take this period as your learning period, learn from it and move on. 2017 will be a great year for you.

And you just may find you have a new, different relationship with your parents. Once you get there, choose a venue to do some volunteering. And maybe pick a church to go to.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

You think it will be hard without him now. But just give it time. You're just going through withdrawal symptoms. Everyone does after a break up. Eventually you'll come to a point where you'll be so grateful you left and wonder why you didn't sooner. Trust me, just stay strong.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Yeah a friend told me to wait to see how different it feels once I leave and am at my parents... I am eager to see if I feel better. My mom seems accommodating and OK with me coming I am just worried about my dad. They both just retired and now I'm moving back... I feel awful. I already have 2 interviews though waiting for me so I'm hoping one of those works out right away so I don't become a financial burdent to them. But yes... I hope I feel peace once I'm out of here.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

And turnera funny you should mention church... I found a divorcecare class at the church my parents attend and was planning on going to that every week. I was in an abusive marriage prior to this relationship... And moved on to him way too fast. It's made me so dependent on men... I need to heal. I hope to either find low cost counseling or hope I am able to get insurancr that at least covers part of it... Because Medicaid here did not. 
So... I'm sort of excited to be doing something "on my own" (with parents help) and not be in a relationship for the first time in a long time... But that's also scary for me.... To not have a man to love and do life with. I'm afraid to be lonely.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is the healthiest thing you could possibly do. Trust me. After a year of living on your own (even at your folks' house), you'll wonder why you felt you needed a man to validate you. It's only when you can go into a relationship without NEEDING that relationship that you'll have a good one. Have you read Codependent No More? That would be a good first step on that journey.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

HurtWithHope said:


> I know... It all ended so quickly in that incident... Here I've been waiting to write our whole background and issues to get advice from this forum... And now its no longer needed. He's been emotionally abusive and thrown things before... But never been physical with me directly before... I wish I could go back to last week when we were still together and cuddling on the couch... Had no idea what this week had in store  I know theres no going back now... And he's always had his issues... But I'm still sad. Stupidest thing of all? I'm sad I'll never get to see his face opening the presents I got him... Still wrapped and had been thrown down the hall by him... All because I asked him to not tease my dog in a way that scares her... Then he was mad that I wasn't touching him enough after he yelled in my face that my dog is fine... Just stupidness. And somehow I still miss him... The good parts of him.


Hurt with hope, how are you doing? 

I think the further you get from him the more you'll realize his good parts really weren't that extraordinary. I hate when people tease animals, BTW.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Well... Weather has created roadblocks in my travel... And even when i can get out there is then restrictions on temp and weather for allowing dogs on planes. Which caused ex to act concerned and apologetic that it's been so difficult for me to get out here. Really?! YOU caused this. I'm feeling very angry and just dying to get out of here and wish all the storms across the US would just settle down for a day. Being here just makes me miss him and I'm trying hard to replay all the awful things he's done in my head to remind myself that not only is he a good man but he's also not that great... I am just struggling today.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

HurtWithHope said:


> Well... Weather has created roadblocks in my travel... And even when i can get out there is then restrictions on temp and weather for allowing dogs on planes. Which caused ex to act concerned and apologetic that it's been so difficult for me to get out here. Really?! YOU caused this. I'm feeling very angry and just dying to get out of here and wish all the storms across the US would just settle down for a day. Being here just makes me miss him and I'm trying hard to replay all the awful things he's done in my head to remind myself that not only is he a good man but he's also not that great... I am just struggling today.


Um, if I were you, I wouldn't be communicating AT ALL with your abuser. Any contact with him gives him an opportunity to sink his hooks into you again. Just don't allow that to happen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Write down on a piece of paper all the things he has done to hurt you. Keep that paper in your wallet. Pull it out and read it once every day. Out loud. To the mirror. (this is advice from my therapist)

And stop talking to him.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Well... Made it to parents house finally in one piece. Thought I would feel some relief, but honestly I've never felt lower... Why is that? Only thing I can think of is I went from my own home with my own significant other to do things with, to suddenly being a teenager again living with my parents in their house. I'm missing that house. I'm missing the love, affection, and yes the sex... Where at least I felt like somewhat of an adult. 

I am doing a version of what you're saying turnera, everytime I find myself pining for all the great things about him I remember and visualize all the terrible things he did... Which does help. I just miss my life with him... I hate how we had such similar long term life goals and am afraid I'll never find someone like that again who also falls in love with me. It's depressing. Everything sucks right now I'm afraid.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are millions of men out there just hoping to find a good woman like you. They are JUST as afraid of never finding someone to love again. Give it time. Get your stuff in order. Stay in therapy to work through what happened and why you accepted it. Make plans to look for a new partner later. Not now. Right now your job is to heal yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What helped me move on was to remind myself every moment of every day (if necessary) that he was not who I thought he was. The person I loved didn't really exist or he couldn't have done what he did. 

It takes time. The important thing is to look forward and not back. Tell yourself every day that you're moving on with your life and it will be a better one. And believe it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

HurtWithHope said:


> Thought I would feel some relief, but honestly I've never felt lower... Why is that?


I honestly don't mean this to be harsh, but you are lonely and alone. It took me a very long time to quit glomming onto crappy guys who I thought I was so "in love" with. This man hurt you repeatedly. I don't give a good cahoot how many great times you had together; the abusive treatment of you negates all that. Kind, decent men don't behave that way. And what you miss and love is the illusion you have built. 



HurtWithHope said:


> I'm missing the love, affection, and yes the sex... Where at least I felt like somewhat of an adult.


Uh, the love and affection - as well as the sex - can be replaced by someone else. This man is not the only male human being on the planet who can fulfill your needs.



HurtWithHope said:


> ... and am afraid I'll never find someone like that again who also falls in love with me.


I see people on these forums all the time who get mired in what-if thinking: "What if I never love again?" "What if nobody finds me attractive?" "What if I fall for another loser?" And on and on it goes. This is an exercise in self-inflicted pain and nothing more. You don't know what tomorrow holds, so why base your fears on something that may never happen? People fall in and out of love all the time. Okay, worst case scenario: No man on earth ever loves you again. You die alone with your house full of old cats. Seriously? Do you even buy into that nonsense? You fell in love once, you can fall in love again.

Just to add: Next time fall in love with a kind decent man; not some abusive a$$hole.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

So... I know what you both are saying about how everyone feels that way about "what if I never find love again?!" and that it's quite cliche to feel that way... However I feel with me it is a legitimate concern. While I feel good about my core values and what makes me me... Such as being slow to anger, kind, compassionate, affectionate, loving, silly, and truly caring about my relationships, fairly attractive... These things I can look at myself and say I like these things about me. But in terms of what makes people true adults... I am lacking severely. I married very young and spent my 20s in a controlling and abusive marriage. I moved on to this last relationship with him making me feel I was not broken, and that who I was as a person mattered more. I believed that at that time, that I could be loved like this. I do believe he took advantage of my vulnerability... Wanting to be a hero. But he had his own problems that he did not even in the slightest reveal to me, while I had been open and honest about all of my weaknesses. 

Now I am here... And instead of being excited for the freedom I am terrified... Being a housewife is all I know. I had some freedom in this relationship that just ended, but zero in my marriage. Its left me stuck at being 19 almost. I'm a new driver, no career, living with parents, and painfully shy. I will work on myself the best that I can, continue counseling, have 3 job interviews this week... But I'm afraid I will not be a good catch for a good man for many years... Which is very depressing. I wanted a family by now. I already knew this now ex boyfriend for many years, so that friendship was there and that is why he was able to love me. But I cannot imagine any decent guy at my age wanting someone like me at all. And that's just being realistic.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is all about attitude. I would be THRILLED to finally be on my own. And it would have nothing to do with whether some man ever looked my way again. It would be about this ONE life that I have and getting to experience it MY way for a change. I did the same things you did, never was on my own and, though I always worked, I was never independent. Even to this day, when I hear my H drive up, I jump off the couch so I can look like I'm working (based on years of him questioning what I had accomplished that day). 

We all have our issues. We all have our failures. What really matters in this one life we have is what we learn from our failures. how we improve things, and how we make a mark on this world in a positive way. You have SO much ahead of you, Hurt. You can't see it yet, but you do. Please trust me on this.

You wanted a family by now. I wanted 3 or more kids. I only got one because that's what my H wanted. But I deal with it, and I find ways, other ways, to find joy in my life. Like I said, it's all about attitude.

There's a woman here who divorced her husband when she was in her 60s! And she still intends to find a new partner! Your attitude about nobody wanting you...that is a side product of being abused. Once you're away from it long enough, you'll see how false it is.

You have a great life ahead of you. But first you have to learn to be ok by YOURSELF, and that means WITHOUT a man.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree, T. 

Life is not only about having someone in your life. I too married very young and although I had a career, my primary focus was on my role as a wife and mom. I divorced well into my 60's and I'm very happy alone. The freedom to do as I please, when I please, is worth all I went through during my divorce to get here. Life is good. 

Find out who you are -- not just as the gf or wife of someone -- and build on that. There's plenty of time for another relationship down the road.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I guess it's because I'm not truly on my own even now, so it's not so thrilling. I'm living with my parents. I knew beforehand they wouldn't be super supportive of my emotional well being... But being here these few days and actually experiencing that has been discouraging to say the least. I wish everything hadn't happened so suddenly with my relationship ending because I really wish I had time to figure out a better solution for me... Now I'm financially bound here and cant afford another plan b. And it's making me wish even more so that I was still with him... Because at least there I had some control and ownership. I am actually having a bit of a breakdown realizing I lost him and my life there and that I really don't belong anywhere else... And I'm so incapable for a person my age it's really embarrassing. I'm ashamed and I know my parents are as well. I'm not feeling too great.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Focus all your spare time on building a career so that you can afford to live on your own. Spend all your spare time at the library, reading, studying, taking online courses. 

And you have nothing to be ashamed of. Think of the billions of people who've lived and are living on this planet. Do you think there is one 'only' way to live a life? No. You could go live in a shack by the ocean if you wanted and rent surfboards. You could join Peace Corps and do some good. You could start a charity in your own town. You could get a job cleaning toilets on a cruise ship. There are a million and one things you could be choosing to do with your life, and not one of those would be something to be embarrassed about.

When is your next therapy session?


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I have an appointment on Friday, my first one here so I am hoping it's a good fit as my options are limited.

I know... I have one friend who tells me it could be worse, and that at least I'm not a bad person. I'm not a drug addict or a thief etc so my parents should be grateful for that. I get what she's saying... But it doesn't help completely. I feel like my predicament would seem more noble if I were a single mom who had the courage to leave and is starting over. Instead I'm just a girl with a dog who keeps picking awful men and not advancing in life. It's sort of unfair the difference in stigmas.

I'm actually frantically looking for any cheap, run down place nearby that takes dogs... And funny you should mention the beach as I've also looked there. ANYTHING where I could be on my own and afford it and work nearby. If only I had more time and things hadn't ended so abruptly I could have possibly found something better all around than my parents. They are already questioning why I need therapy and think I just need to suck it up and everyone has problems... Just need to smile and persevere


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, you need to actively take yourself out of your parents' house by taking classes or going to libraries or bookstores or whatever you can do to improve your chances of getting out.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I'm not sure I could emotionally handle waiting 2 plus years to move out.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@HurtWithHope -- sorry I'm late to the party, but I just found and read your thread.

1) So glad you got out of that horrible relationship with your abusive ex-boyfriend. That is a huge step.

2) Your parents sound toxic, and I have a feeling that FOO issues contributed to why you stayed in a bad marriage for so long, and then immediately entered an abusive relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Listen to @turnera. She gives excellent advice. Get out of the house as much as you can--library, community college classes, etc... anything you can do to improve your outlook on the future. I think there's nothing wrong with taking advantage of the situation to take your time in making the best move here. Rushing to get out of your parents' house before you are financially and emotionally ready may not be in your best interest. For now, use it as a roof over your head but spend as little time with your parents as possible, and come up with an workable plan to move out of their house, with a [realistic] target date to move out.

I would recommend finding a real estate agent who specializes in rentals--s/he may be able to find you something in your price range, that takes dogs, which isn't listed online. Real estate agents who do rentals get their fee from the landlords, not the tenants, so it shouldn't cost you anything.

As difficult as your parents may be, this is an opportunity for you to do a full reset. Examine your life, and what you want out of it, and how to get there. Talk about this with your therapist, and copies mechanisms for dealing with your parents. Or, there are a LOT of books out there on this topic--start spending a lot of time at the library. Treat your life planning and job search as a full-time job in itself.

What kind of jobs are you looking for?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HurtWithHope said:


> I'm not sure I could emotionally handle waiting 2 plus years to move out.


If you're talking about classes, look for a junior college. They have certificate programs where you can get certified to do a particular job in a few months. There are also tons of online options now too, and those often let you progress as fast as you want to.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I'm not sure if they are toxic, they are not absuive. However they have very different views on mental health. My dad does have anger issues but has never been physical or called names or even swore, but I don't doubt that that has affected our relationship. He has never crossed a line though. But they aren't very supportive emotionally and don't understand that kind of trauma.

At this point I am looking for any job. I interviewed at a gift shop and a vet this week.

I'm so emotionally exhausted here. It's been a tough week.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

HurtWithHope said:


> I'm not sure if they are toxic, they are not absuive. However they have very different views on mental health. My dad does have anger issues but has never been physical or called names or even swore, but I don't doubt that that has affected our relationship. He has never crossed a line though. But they aren't very supportive emotionally and don't understand that kind of trauma.
> 
> At this point I am looking for any job. I interviewed at a gift shop and a vet this week.
> 
> I'm so emotionally exhausted here. It's been a tough week.


From what little you've described, it's possible they they are toxic. I didn't know anything about emotional/psychological abuse, which can be harder to spot because it may not be physical or verbal, until I came to TAM. Through conversations with other here on TAM, I came to learn that my mother is/was emotionally abusive. And because it's behavioral, frequently learned, the abuser doesn't always realize that it's a damaging behavior. It's not striking the other person or calling them names, but it is still abuse nonetheless.

Being able to understand my mother's behavior as a manipulator helps me to better manage my own reactions, and limits the amount of damage she can do now, because it doesn't get to me anymore.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Yeah I guess when I think of toxic I think super volatile initially. There can be more subtle types of toxicness, you're right. I've definitely noticed myself acting a certain way here, and I don't like it. I seem to deal with things better without men in particular hovering over me... I become a thousand times more timid and unsure of myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I forget, are you in therapy? IC can help you work through that family stuff that turned you into that person. In the meantime, there's a great book about it called Emotional Alchemy, about how your brain becomes hardwired to think and act a certain way.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Yes. Just got here and just started with new person. Can't tell if it's a good fit just yet. I'm doing my best to do self care, but it doesn't seem to be helping immensely.


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