# Wife unable to orgasm



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Need some advice here. Married for 10 years, together for 18 total. Sex has been an issue for us for quite a while. The relationship started out as most do, with plenty of sex. Over years, kids, etc the sex has dropped to nearly none. We've had several discussions about it and my wife always tells me the same things---too tired, etc. 

My wife has never been able to reach orgasm during sex, and i suspect that is a major part of the truth behind our issues. She's never been particularly adventurous in the bedroom, but I've tried to spice things up any way i can--toys, different positions, you name it. She MIGHT allow me to bring out the toys once a year--for two or three minutes. She has exactly one position she "likes" (doggy) and i am starting to suspect it's because she doesn't have to look at me. Lately it's been much worse. No variation, NEVER initiates, I'm not allowed to use my hands, not allowed to go down on her, not allowed, not allowed, not allowed....

So here's my conundrum. How am i supposed to find that magic set of circumstances so that she actually enjoys sex and maybe makes her start wanting it, when she won't allow me to do anything other than immediate PIV and getthehelloffme?


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

Sorry to hear you are having troubles. Have you tried a mini getaway? You said you have kids, maybe you need to have someone watch them for the weekend, take your wife to the spa (a spa day for 2 to relax), have a nice romantic dinner etc. Seems to me "tired" means she constantly thinks of what she needs to do (take care of home, husband, kids etc) and sex is on the back burner. 

As for orgasm during sex, "doggy" is one of the easiest to reach g-spot orgasm, but the key is to keep your back arched, bellybutton to the floor, head up and don't put your head to the bed. Sorry if my description is not 100%. Or if she doesn't like to face you, have her go on top but face your feet and slowly lie down so that she is on top of you but facing away.

Good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell us more about what your marriage is like outside the bedroom.

How much time a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things together, just the two of you?

Do both of you have jobs? Or is she a SAHM?

Do you argue a lot?

What's going on outside the bedroom?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

We have a pretty good relationship outside the BR. We hardly ever argue. Both of us work, but since the kids (last 8 years) we hardly ever have any time alone together. I've raised this issue and suggested date-nights, etc. Never seems to happen for various reasons. Both of us work full time. When we're home we're busy taking care of the kids. The older two go to bed around 8:30 or 9, and then my wife snuggles down on the couch with the 2 year old and falls asleep. Zero time to even have a meaningful conversation without some serious planning, and even then she feels guilty about putting the youngest to bed.

We haven't had a vacation together alone in 10 years (since our honeymoon in fact). I've suggested it many times, she just won't leave the kids--even for a weekend.

I do help out around the house--i'm not a deadbeat. I'm usually the one to pick the kids up on the way home, i cook dinner every night (and all meals on weekends), help with chores, etc. I know she's exhausted--I am too.

I've been trying to reconnect with her outside the BR as well. Sat her down a couple nights ago (I snuck the baby upstairs to bed while she was in the bathroom) and we did a love language test together. I really am trying.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've read your story hundreds of times on TAM. So many men...so very sad.

I have no advice just wanted to say you sound nice and I believe you really are trying. Most men who come here have. You can't nice your wife into wanting sex with you. 

I'm so sorry you're here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> We have a pretty good relationship outside the BR. We hardly ever argue. Both of us work, but since the kids (last 8 years) we hardly ever have any time alone together. I've raised this issue and suggested date-nights, etc. Never seems to happen for various reasons. Both of us work full time. When we're home we're busy taking care of the kids. The older two go to bed around 8:30 or 9, and then my wife snuggles down on the couch with the 2 year old and falls asleep. Zero time to even have a meaningful conversation without some serious planning, and even then she feels guilty about putting the youngest to bed.
> 
> We haven't had a vacation together alone in 10 years (since our honeymoon in fact). I've suggested it many times, she just won't leave the kids--even for a weekend.
> 
> ...


This is about what I expect you to answer. And it's the problem. The two of you have lost you connection. You two have made everything but your marriage the priority... thus your marriage has suffered.

It's completely possible to get that passion back in your marriage. You can even start this without her knowing what you are doing.

You need to find non-sexual ways to physically bond with your wife. When a person is touched by a loved one, their body produced oxytocin. That's the bonding hormone. That's what bonds you together and brought on all that passion when you two were first together.

Then you both get busy and stop spending time together, stop touching, stop intimate talks, etc. And the levels on oxytocin in the brain decrease. Once they get to a low level the bond is lost. Women tend to react the way your wife is when it's lost. They really do not want to be touched. They don't want sex, and so on.

So... you need to find non-sexual ways to spend time with her, to touch her, etc.

For example you say that she just tired. So after the kids are in bed.. just give her a good foot massage. Tell her to relax. Then leave it at that. Do things like that for a while. over time you can step it up. And of course keep having sex on whatever is normal for the two of you right now.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a weeks together, just the two of you doing date like things... this means not in the same room doing different things.

Start out small. After the kids go to bed plan on just 10-15 minutes every night. Talk and give her a foot or back massage, or just hold her hand. You will find that the more you do this the more time you two will start to set aside for each other.

Then once you are connecting more... start dates once a week. But don't push for dates right off the bat.

Do you have someone who can watch your children? You need a sitter.

Neither of you are a 'bad guy'. You two have simply fallen into a far too common pattern that destroys marriages. 

Read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". If she will read them with you and do the work with you, good. Otherwise do this on your own.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Thank you for the advice and the book suggestions. I'll give it a shot tonight and see if i can get her to wake up long enough to realize i'm rubbing her feet


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Fozzy - does she want to have an orgasm? Is it something she has initiated a conversation on or is this only a concern of yours? Does she masturbate? Has she ever had an orgasm? How old are your kids?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Kids are 2, 6, and 8.

She has never orgasmed, does not masturbate, and is very reticent about talking about it. I do know that there are certain positions where she says she can't feel basically anything, which i suppose is why she only likes it in one position. I'm not superman however, and while I can occasionally step up for a 15 or 20 minute 'go', it's never quite been enough. Coupled with her issues with me doing anything other than PIV....


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't think its uncommon for women to not O through just intercourse so it might not matter how long you can go. If shes never had one of course - she doesn't know what she is missing out on. How to get her to want it - that is the problem. 

Having young kids is exhausting. When my kids were young I felt like I gave and gave all day - until I was in the negative - and then if H crossed the equator to my side of the bed it made me want to cry because I was on empty and he just wanted to take more from me. That is how it felt. 

Its important that she has a break from 'mother' and can go back to being 'girlfriend' for a time. It seems the girlfriend side of her would have been much more available.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you're in for a tough fight. She doesn't enjoy sex (with you). More importantly, she doesn't WANT to enjoy sex (with you). So she doesn't want to work with you to make it better. She just wants it over so you'll leave her alone till it's time for her next round of duty sex.

You could look at some books like "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". You could make sure that your yard is in order (so to speak)... Hit the gym, ditch the "Dad" clothes and haircut... But I suspect she just is in full on mother mode, and you've been relegated to dad/provider role.

C


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

I think you need to get out of the mindset that most women can orgasm from penetration only, which is according to studies highly inaccurate.

Female Orgasm Facts - Surprising Facts About Orgasms - Woman's Day

_"If you’ve ever had trouble climaxing, you’re not alone. According to Planned Parenthood statistics, as many as 1 in 3 women have trouble reaching orgasm when having sex. *And as many as 80 percent of women have difficulty with orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone.*"_

Is she on birth control pill? Does she have medication for depression or similar? Those can kill libido or affect the ability to orgasm.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Well everyone is giving you great advise on the relationship side I thought I would go for the logistics ;-) ... so she likes doggy...ok next time you do doggy have her keep her legs together, your legs on the outside and do the lazy doggy...almost laying on her stomach....with her butt slightly raised...this is great for hitting the "G" spot....using a little butterfly vibrator at the same time wouldn't hurt. Same approach with PIV have her keep her legs together and yours on the outside...you will cause more stimulation to her clitorus this way. If she is not really wet...she is not ready (turned on)...you still have work to do....never move forward to intercource until she is ready.

For her one of the things is women tend to multi-task easily...our minds can be on 100 things at once. She has to focus on sex when she is having sex to orgasim. You need to make sure she is not 100 miles away...thinking of what to plan for dinner tomorrow night. You can do this by talking to her during sex...ask her questions...do you like this? ...how does this feel?....would you like me to do this? Don't let her get distracted by her own mind and lose focus on what your doing....talk to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

shes given up on sex with you because she dosn't get anything out of it. sometimes I have trouble getting off and if it happens a couple of times in a row I am less interesting in sex it dose seem like a chore.

plan a date make sure she has a good time maybe get her a little tipsy then take her home and pull out the toy and take your time try to get her to open up.tell her your not stopping until she says uncle.make it fun and light hearted. if some thing awkward happens just laugh about it and make it no big deal. 

look up videos on how to give an orgasm. educate your self alittle so your prepared.

educational videos not porn.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

All good tips and i thank you. I know I'm never going to get her there with just PIV--trust me I've done plenty of reading up (not porn  ) The difficutly lies in the fact that she won't LET me do anything else. Oral, toys, she won't even let me light a candle in the room. Every noise she hears from down the block is in her mind the kids beating down the door and instantly snaps her out of the mood....

I think you're right on the money in one respect, mineforever...she always seems to be a million miles away mentally.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Are you able to get away for a weekend? Even an overnight at a hotel? (A nicer one with non flimsy walls.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> Thank you for the advice and the book suggestions. I'll give it a shot tonight and see if i can get her to wake up long enough to realize i'm rubbing her feet


Do not worry about if she wakes up or not. Her body knows that you are do it... it will produce the production of oxytocin.

Touch her as much as you can without freaking her out.. increase touch slowly. If she is watching TV, sit close enough to touch her; even if it's just your hand next to her leg.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> Kids are 2, 6, and 8.
> 
> She has never orgasmed, does not masturbate, and is very reticent about talking about it. I do know that there are certain positions where she says she can't feel basically anything, which i suppose is why she only likes it in one position. I'm not superman however, and while I can occasionally step up for a 15 or 20 minute 'go', it's never quite been enough. Coupled with her issues with me doing anything other than PIV....


Only about 25% of women can have orgasms from PIV. 

Here's another book for after the first two.

Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone - a recipe for reconnecting emotionally and physically.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

I think that touching idea is good too. I've heard from many women they like to be touched everywhere. Neck, feet, legs, back, arms, scalp, hair, belly etc. Doesn't have to be erogenous zone.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I feel sorry for both you and your wife. My husband and I are pretty much where you are sexually. I've also never orgasmed and I usually don't have much of a physical desire for sex. Right now, I have sex because I love my husband and I'm his wife. Deep down, I know he's not really happy with it and neither am I.

I agree with the others about re-establishing the connection with your wife. My husband and I have 4 kids eight and under and it seems like we are just in "survival" mode most of the time. The only time we can have sex is after the kids are in bed, and it is really hard for me to get in the mood then because I'm just spent emotionally and physically. Often, I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I just want to be left alone. As a result, I'll try to approach my husband earlier in the day/evening when the kids are occupied so I have more energy and enthusiasm for sex. But this usually leaves us only with time for "quickies" and kids crying at the door after 10 minutes.

I am going to try to work on establishing a closer relationship with my husband outside of the bedroom, and hopefully it will help ALL areas of our relationship. We've drifted apart in so many areas--not just sexually. Even if I never orgasm, I think I'll be happier with sex if I feel more of a connection to my husband. Sorry if I hijacked your thread, I just wanted to share.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

No hijacking occurred momtwo4 . I'm a believer that if both of you are on board with wanting it to get better, then it will. I just need to get my wife to want to get on board too. The fact that you as the LD half recognize what's going on and want things to get better between you is an enormous step in the right direction imo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fozzy & Momtwo4,

I think that a marriage counselor (MC) who is also a sex therapist can help in both of your cases.

If your spouse does not want to go, go by yourself. A person can change a marriage with unilateral changes/effort. Once you start to change, your spouse has to change. You cannot control how they change, but they will change. And hopefully it will be for the better.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I was about to post something completely different this morning. After 3 failed initiation attempts this weekend, i was not in a good place. I was actually in the process of typing an update here when she comes over and starts to give me a hug---and i lost my mind. It all came pouring out--the pain, the frustration...and i let her know that i didn't want to continue living like that. I think she may have gotten the message. She (tearfully) agreed to go get checked out with the doctor, and then counseling if nothing pans out medically. I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point...it's been SOOO long like this. But maybe....

I also have a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and 5 Love Languages on the way from Amazon. We'll see.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Fozzy - I am hoping your wife will follow through with getting things checked out and trying to work with you to make things better. Everyone has a need to feel wanted. Sex is such an I timate thing, it just makes it so hurtful to be rejected.

As ive been saying - Ive been in counseling for 2 months now. I have always loved and wanted sex but H and I obviously had some intimacy issues that were lacking. I still have not reached the point I would like to get to - but our relationship has changed so much for the better. It takes 2 people working - but where 2 people are making an effort there will be change.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Got my copy of 5 Love Languages yesterday and finished it in one sitting. It really made some things click with me. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to re-read it to make sure I'm getting it all. 

I'm going to try to have another conversation with her tonight about things. I'm hoping I don't bungle it. At least I'm starting to understand that I'm not some kind of deviant for equating sex with emotion (with my wife anyway).


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> At least I'm starting to understand that I'm not some kind of deviant for equating sex with emotion (with my wife anyway).



sex is an emotional and physical release. it is the way we are made so we enjoy it more, we make babies and keep the population going. 

I think there may be some emotional issues with your wife. just tossing some thoughts out there. was she ever abused sexually as a child? I lived with a young lady that I believed repressed orgasms because she was molested by an uncle. so is my wife but we have talked through that, she is pretty good.

was your wife raised in a highly religious household? sometime parents(and the church) teach their kids horrible things in the name of god to keep them behaving. maybe she started thinking sex and orgasms were evil sins from a young age. 


something you could do for your wife if you do not already do so is take the kids for a few hours or a day. let her go out by herself for awhile, do some shopping and relax, send her out for a spa treatment. perhaps she has lost her identity and is a mombie(read that for the first time here on the board...thanks). it took a long time for my wife to turn off the mommy mode, we can even be out for a date and she still looks at stuff for our daughter. 

I also agree with the random touches. I always touch my wife, even if passing by her in the kitchen, I will run my hand across her lower back, or give her a butterfly kiss on the back of her neck, sometimes wrap my hand around her arm as we walk. 

these are intimate areas that no other people normally touch so they are your areas to touch. 

I think a sex toy would be a good idea, make sure she has quiet time to experiment with it. maybe help her who knows. she obviously sees them as bad things and off limits to "normal people". she needs to realize that just because you have sex and use toys and have meaningful powerful orgasms you are not a deviant. she can enjoy sex, she does deserve it.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

by the way, I think you sound like a nice guy as well, and not a "mr nice guy" way either. lol

I believe you are trying everything you can to make things work with not only your wife and friend but also your lover.


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