# In love with the adventure and not him ....



## Virago (Apr 4, 2011)

I'll try my best to keep this brief and I'm hoping that several people take the time to respond to give me feedback.

Me, a 40 something woman who lived in the States with a nice job, a beautiful home, and a sweet dog. Good relationship with my family.

Him, single dad living in the UK. Great guy, really sweet, only family member is an older brother who he barely corresponds with (his brother is a wanderer/traveller).

Us, met online (not a dating site). Friendship turned a bit more serious -- I think we both 'fell in love' with the idea of falling in love.

Fast forward. I relocated to England from the States, sold my home, retired from my gov't job, gave up my dog (which really hurt) she is now with the petsitter that watched over her when I first came to England to 'meet' my soon to be.

My relationship with family became strayed because first of all they never met my intended. Felt I was giving up way too much, thought I'd regret it.

The reality: He works a part-time job through no fault of his own. England is dealing with a job crunch too. I've been looking for a job since I arrived here. Still no luck.

My hubby has a son that I don't trust. He is 22yrs old and attends University a few hours drive from our place. His son is a liar, gets caught in so many lies even about the stupidest things. His son used to work at a DIY type store and robbed the place and sold some items on the street. The so called reprimand my hubby gave him was something you'd do to a little child. Instead of him coming down hard on his son what he did was told his son to look him dead in the eye and apologize. Tell him that he was sorry and would never do it again. That was it. I mean his son wasn't a minor at the time and if he had been caught he would've gone to jail or it would be on his record.

All this occurred prior to me relocating ... but still, whenever his son comes home I hide my debit/credit cards. Cause I don't trust him.

His son also screwed someone over on Ebay. Had his profile deleted (or whatever they do) and started using his dad's ebay profile. Now what do you think happened? He screwed someone over again, now his dad's ebay account has been suspended. 

I feel like I'm suffocating in the flat. It's tiny, I feel the walls are closing in on me. I spend my days at the computer job hunting or fantasizing about being back in the States.

Last time we had sex was a year ago. I feel no attraction for my hubby (when we would have sex he'd stop because he felt I wasn't 'into it'). 

When we argue I think alot of truth comes out -- I can tell he regrets marrying me. And when I confront him with it he acts as if everything is alright and we have a good relationship.

Sometimes he has said 'I'm tired of you' 'What did I marry' 'You haven't changed since day one'

He feels as if I don't do anything. I can't help that I don't have a job over here. I've been looking and he knows it. Going to job recruitment agencies, going on monster jobs, reed, etc., etc., applying for jobs left and right. I finally did get an interview over here and they told me point blank I was over qualified for it. 

And I do the housecleaning in this tiny place. I don't cook (he's the better cook) but I make sure the kitchen is always tidy and dishes are washed. 

I'm in my early 40's, going back to the States I'll have to stay with my parents, get a job, pay off my debts (which is a whole other issue), rebuild my credit, and eventually purchase a home.

I miss my single life. I miss being my own woman. I know my hubby deserves better. 

The coward in me plans on leaving when he is at work. I just have to work out how to get the moving company to pack my things to ship them to the States, and be able to fly out that same day. 

And I realize that I was more in love with the adventure of moving to England rather than being in love with him. I feel we are friends more than spouses. I know he wants me to be his wife in the full sense of the word and I'd rather be friends which I know isn't fair to him. But the thing is I'm very certain my hubby will just put up with this. I think he fears loneliness.

I did fail to mention his explosive anger on occasion (he's Italian). He doesn't hit but man when he goes, he goes. He calms down but NEVER apologizes but gives me a kiss as if that makes up for what was said or on a few occasions thrown.

This part is uber crazy/pathetic. Before me and my hubby even physically met he told me about an injury he had to his head after his military service. He also told me how when he was a kid his dad used to hit him on top of his head and it made him hypersensitive to being touched on the head. Okay no problem.

I noticed when we would play or whatever and I get close to his head he snatches my hand away. No problem.

When he was at work I was (admittedly) going through his drawer. Why did I find a box for a hair piece? I knew something about his hair looked funny and even mentioned it to him. Begged him to get a different style etc., Turns out after a year of marriage I discover he wears a toupee. No big deal in fact I would love for him to shave his head close which I think would look nice on him. When I talked to him about it he just said point blank 'I don't discuss this with anyone' end of story. 

We do have good times and laugh but at the end of the day I know the marriage isn't healthy. I love England, the countryside, history etc., We have similar interests but in the end that doesn't make up for a marriage.

Any comments/feedback?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you been married?

It sounds like you're both unhappy. You're not communicating well and it seems want different things.

All red flags:

_Last time we had sex was a year ago. I feel no attraction for my hubby (when we would have sex he'd stop because he felt I wasn't 'into it'). 

When we argue I think alot of truth comes out -- I can tell he regrets marrying me. And when I confront him with it he acts as if everything is alright and we have a good relationship.

Sometimes he has said 'I'm tired of you' 'What did I marry' 'You haven't changed since day one'_

That reminds me of my marriage a lot (minus the sex part). We divorced yesterday. Not that that means anything but I can relate because hearing someone tell you constantly how they are unsure of the marriage and treating you contempt and making you feel less than via their words and loud proclamations of 'Why?' did they get married, that they regret marrying is a very hard thing to deal with. It chips you away at your core.

You should talk to him about where you head is and if you can, get some counselling/exhaust different avenues. Then afterward, if you don't see anything coming together, make a move for it if you so decide.


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## Virago (Apr 4, 2011)

Jellybeans, thank you SO MUCH for your response. We've only been married since Dec. 2009.

Bottom line: our relationship is that of roommates and not spouses. I even thought maybe I could live this way but I know I can't. I was never 'in love' with him only with the idea of love. I care for him a great deal and don't want to hurt him. But I feel like I'm drowning being here.

And he has told me about relatives he had that live more like roommates and how that would 'kill' him. When he said this I'm thinking well that's how we live (I have no clue why I didn't speak up)! But looks like he's willing to live that way for fear of loneliness.

When I have mustered up the courage to talk to him about things he says I love you, we laugh, joke, nothing is wrong. To be honest I haven't told him just how I feel. I don't want to come out and say 'I made a mistake in marrying you' I know there is a more tactful way of doing it but I don't know what to say. 

I don't see how counselling can help considering I feel I made a mistake in marrying him in the first place. If a counsellor had a 'do over' button that's the only thing that would help me. I regret coming into his life and eventually shaking things up.

Everyday I'm here I think about how if I was back in the States I could be back in a job with the gov't, saving my money, rebuilding my credit, so I can buy another home, get a dog, and enjoy my single life.


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