# Partners past..



## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

I am struggling with my partners past. I know that it is none of my business and that i do not own his past. I don't blame him for anything that happened in his past either. But if you could help me settle some of these troubling feelings, i would appreciate it!

Our relationship was amazing up until our son was 6 weeks old. I was suffering with post partum depression and trying to fight it with little to no support from my fiancee. He started lying to me during my pregnancy also.. staying out and coming home drunk etc.
He went to stay away for work and when he came home he acted strange. My gut feelings told me that something was off and i decided to check his phone. I found pictures of him and another woman kissing his cheek. I confronted him and he told me he was out drinking and had met a group of women at the bar who shared drinks and they took a drunk selfie together. Swore blind nothing else happened but I don't believe him.
From then on, i struggled to trust him. I told him i wanted to leave but he begged and pleaded to stay. I started to check his phone more often and dig deeper than I really should have. His past is extremely colourful. More than what I thought but more importantly a number of the women he was involved in are still in our lives as friends, so I see these women all the time.

It all makes me uncomfortable. I still have not forgiven the past infidelity, we hardly spoke about it and i feel absolutely no closure about it. When I tell him i am feeling uncomfortable about seeing and being around other women he was once involved with, he gets angry and won't even discuss the issue.

I'm in therapy and trying to work out my issues.. he doesnt believe in therapy so refuses to join. 
My feelings for this man have changed.. and i dont know what to do. Any words of wisdom? 

Thanks in advance. 

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Run. Do not marry him or you'll be looking at a divorce not too far down the line. He's a serial cheater, and an unremorseful one at that. Letting other women kiss him and then taking a picture of it shows he doesn't have any boundaries, but more importantly, he doesn't respect his relationship with you. People like him show you their true colors, so believe him the first time. This may not be what you want to hear and if you want to run away from making the hard choice to leave, then that's your call. However, if you want to marry an honorable man who cherishes and respects you, it's not him.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Run. Do not marry him or you'll be looking at a divorce not too far down the line. He's a serial cheater, and an unremorseful one at that. Letting other women kiss him and then taking a picture of it shows he doesn't have any boundaries, but more importantly, he doesn't respect his relationship with you. People like him show you their true colors, so believe him the first time. This may not be what you want to hear and if you want to run away from making the hard choice to leave, then that's your call. However, if you want to marry an honorable man who cherishes and respects you, it's not him.


I agree with all of this completely. After that all happened he seemed completely remorseful. I wanted to leave so badly... but i was a new mother, lost and scared. I did my best to forget, but I just can't let it go. 
I have never been unfaithful towards him and to be honest after snooping (terrible I know, but never even thought about it until the infidelity) I just am not in love with him anymore.

I feel trapped with this man.. he just wont accept that I want to leave. I tell him weekly..  

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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So stop talking and start doing. Just go.

You can't trust him, and you shouldn't have to spend your life checking his phone and flinching everytime it beeps because you know deep down that he's untrustworthy.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> I agree with all of this completely. After that all happened he seemed completely remorseful. I wanted to leave so badly... but i was a new mother, lost and scared. I did my best to forget, but I just can't let it go.
> I have never been unfaithful towards him and to be honest after snooping (terrible I know, but never even thought about it until the infidelity) I just am not in love with him anymore.
> 
> I feel trapped with this man.. he just wont accept that I want to leave. I tell him weekly..
> ...


He doesn't accept that you want to leave because you haven't left. I speak from my own experience.

Do you still wear your engagement ring? If so, stop wearing it for starters. 

He is definitely not marriage material.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you can't trust him - and he doesn't sound trustworthy - then leave. There is no "But" here, even if you have a child together. You will be miserable if you stay together, and he will be too, which will only lead to more of this behavior - or him dumping you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

frusdil said:


> So stop talking and start doing. Just go.
> 
> You can't trust him, and you shouldn't have to spend your life checking his phone and flinching everytime it beeps because you know deep down that he's untrustworthy.


This ^

I went through this in my previous marriage, and it's no way to live. I tried to just put it away, as it were, but it was always in the back of my mind.

I told myself long ago that if it ever happens again, I wouldn't stick around. Nobody gets a second chance with me ever again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why should he believe you want out if you're still there?


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

Well, we had moved to my parents acreage for a few months as we were moving across province and looking for a home in town here. We wanted to start my daughter in her new school at the beginning of the school year. 
Basically, i tell him how i feel, he laughs, tells me I am silly and tries to divert my attention for a while. 
I hate confrontation and he knows this so it usually gets dropped and we go back to ignoring the problem. Sometimes I don't drop it and it just ends in him being angry in return and refusing to leave anyway.
Iv been a stay at home mother for the past year so im not exactly ready to be financially stable.. but i know il be okay. 
I just need him to be the one who leaves. 

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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

Im going to have to probably call the cops to get him to leave.. but i always end up feeling guilty after coming down on him. He makes me feel like he doesn't deserve it and that im overreacting. 

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> I agree with all of this completely. After that all happened he seemed completely remorseful. I wanted to leave so badly... but i was a new mother, lost and scared. I did my best to forget, but I just can't let it go.
> I have never been unfaithful towards him and to be honest after snooping (terrible I know, but never even thought about it until the infidelity) I just am not in love with him anymore.
> 
> I feel trapped with this man.. he just wont accept that I want to leave. I tell him weekly..
> ...


There is a big difference between genuine remorse and regret, and I doubt he feels either. Genuine remorse involves having empathy for what he put you through, for the pain and hurt he inflicted on you. It means him putting himself in your shoes and feels your pain and anguish. Getting angry when you want to talk about it is a big indicator that he's not genuinely remorseful. Refusing counseling tells us he isn't willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal. In other words, he just wants to rug sweep this and forget about it. Cheating is a huge red flag but he doesn't care because he thinks you won't kick him out. He doesn't have to work to keep you because he thinks you're easy. He puts in more effort to hook the other women but not with you. He knows he can come home and you'll be there ready to have sex with him. No effort needed. He's not relationship material, not for marriage and not for a boyfriend. He's immature and absent some divine miracle, he's not going to change.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OK, so you've learned your words are meaningless to him. 

So that means it's time you started talking with your *actions.*


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

becareful2 said:


> Run. Do not marry him or you'll be looking at a divorce not too far down the line. He's a serial cheater, and an unremorseful one at that. Letting other women kiss him and then taking a picture of it shows he doesn't have any boundaries, but more importantly, he doesn't respect his relationship with you. People like him show you their true colors, so believe him the first time. This may not be what you want to hear and if you want to run away from making the hard choice to leave, then that's your call. However, if you want to marry an honorable man who cherishes and respects you, it's not him.


I have nothing to add to the above, other than if you stay in a relationship with this man you're looking at a life of untold misery, low self-esteem and depression.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

I agree. At first, I thought he was truly remorseful. He cried, begged on his knees and swore that it was stupid. I asked to know every detail and he gave it (to the best of my knowledge) I hammered to know what truly happened but he refused to budge. It was about 2 weeks that I felt depression about it. I cried non stop, i couldnt eat, i struggled to take care of our newborn. He tended to my every need, i told him i couldnt look past it and felt my trust had been completely broken and wanted to leave.
He swore that in 6 months, if i still felt the same way that I could leave and he would let me go.
I still hung on to the betrayal, i truly couldnt shake the betrayal and felt like I couldn't trust him anymore. More so, I felt if i didnt know the truth (I never will know) that I couldn't move past it. 
The same arguments would come up, he said I was dragging it on and making it worse. I believed him and started seeing a therapist, she told me that people made mistakes so I worked on forgiveness. 
This was 2 years ago. I still to this day feel bitter about it, i hate not knowing what happened because if I knew, it would have been over then.

Now I'm a jealous, bitter partner and I hate what I have become. He has still lied since this incident, over and over. Every time he lies, everything comes up. Yet im made to believe that im the problem for bringing up the past.. 
Obviously after this all started the phone snooping, i now just don't feel the same way. When we moved to my parents, things broke down even more and i tried to get him to leave.
He threatened all sorts of things. Makes a huge scene and my parents dont want to deal with his crap.

Im so tired of being around him, he sucks everything out of me, i tried to make him leave, he becomes aggressive and filled with rage. Iv been hoping for something to happen for him to leave and I can just deny him coming home to us, but the opening never comes.

I feel im just waiting to 'pull the trigger' I just don't know how and it all feels so complicated.

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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Why does he have to be the one to leave? You know he's not going to, right? He has no reason to.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

Cosmos said:


> I have nothing to add to the above, other than if you stay in a relationship with this man you're looking at a life of untold misery, low self-esteem and depression.


I know, I have felt depressed for the past 2 years ever since. I chalked it up to being a busy parent, being laid off when I returned from maternity leave and becoming a stay at home mum.
I just recently started anti depressants, i have been feeling a little clearer in the mind ever since which makes me feel like i NEED to leave and that i can and be okay. 
2 weeks ago I asked him to sit down and discuss how i was feeling, he laughed and called me crazy, said i was creating problems again etc.. so i said that if he wasn't even willing to sit down and listen to what I have to say he can leave and i started to pack his things. 
He said he was taking our 2 year old with him, taking our vehicle. When I reminded him that he lost his driving license, he told me he would smash the car up instead of leaving it for me.
He ranted to my mother who is recovering from surgery and scared the kids. 

I feel that I may have to call the police to get him to leave, but a week before Christmas seems like poor timing and I have family from England coming to stay in 2 days.

Should I just act peaceful until the new year when we are back to ordinary days and ask him to leave or call the police then?! I see my therapist in 2 days and look forward to speaking with her.
Im just feeling terribly confused  

I constantly go back and forth from feeling guilty and that i should be working on our relationship for the kids right back to feeling urgent to leave.

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Believe me when I tell you that you can easily replace this unremorseful, unrepentant, serial lying, serial cheating, player-wanna-be man child. I would get a VAR (stands for voice activated recorder) like the *Sony ICD-PX333*. Carry it with you to record those moments when he goes into a rage. Then when you call the police, they can hear it and remove him from your parents' property. He sounds dangerous, so kick him out of your life asap. Go to the police station and talk to someone to see how they can help.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> I know, I have felt depressed for the past 2 years ever since. I chalked it up to being a busy parent, being laid off when I returned from maternity leave and becoming a stay at home mum.
> I just recently started anti depressants, i have been feeling a little clearer in the mind ever since which makes me feel like i NEED to leave and that i can and be okay.
> 2 weeks ago I asked him to sit down and discuss how i was feeling, he laughed and called me crazy, said i was creating problems again etc.. so i said that if he wasn't even willing to sit down and listen to what I have to say he can leave and i started to pack his things.
> He said he was taking our 2 year old with him, taking our vehicle. When I reminded him that he lost his driving license, he told me he would smash the car up instead of leaving it for me.
> ...


Fire your therapist. She's trying to minimize the hurt and pain that you're going through when she says he made a mistake. Infidelity is a series of deliberate decisions that a person makes from contacting the person to meeting them to making out to getting undressed to the actual sex act. He could have stopped at any time but he didn't and as of now, he's still cheating and not sorry about it at all. He's not sorry for hurting you; he's probably just sorry for getting caught. Some therapists are just garbage so you'll have to go through a few to find a good one. 

The more "man power" you have around you for when you kick him out, the better. He doesn't have the right to take your child or your car away. Talk to the local police.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> I know, I have felt depressed for the past 2 years ever since. I chalked it up to being a busy parent, being laid off when I returned from maternity leave and becoming a stay at home mum.
> I just recently started anti depressants, i have been feeling a little clearer in the mind ever since which makes me feel like i NEED to leave and that i can and be okay.
> 2 weeks ago I asked him to sit down and discuss how i was feeling, he laughed and called me crazy, said i was creating problems again etc.. so i said that if he wasn't even willing to sit down and listen to what I have to say he can leave and i started to pack his things.
> *He said he was taking our 2 year old with him, taking our vehicle. When I reminded him that he lost his driving license, he told me he would smash the car up instead of leaving it for me.**
> ...


You must do what feels right for you, but I think you need to rid yourself of him sooner rather than later. 

It's a difficult time of the year to cancel guests etc but, in light of the highlighted text above, I think you need to seek legal advice about a separation order and custody / visitation issues asap.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The primary part of the equation is that he has to go!

Seeing that you have guests coming in for the Holidays, then if it is your personal domicile in which you are residing, then just as soon as your guests leave to go back home, you have no choice but to go see a lawyer to file an eviction order to get him out along with a peace bond in order to keep him from habitually coming back around!

And at the same time, since he undoubtedly is the father of your child, arrangements should be hastily made with your attorney for his payment to you for child support along with a minimal amount of supervised visitation rights!*


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> Our relationship was amazing up until our son was 6 weeks old. I was suffering with post partum depression and trying to fight it with little to no support from my fiancee. He started lying to me during my pregnancy also...


Colorful username OP. You have a small child, you say?

I'm not going to bother offering advice about your OP. 

You have much bigger problems than your husband.

Continue getting therapy. For a very LONG time.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

What I don't understand is why you are trying to get the police to do your job? It's like you want to trick him then call the police and make it their problem.

You should stop avoiding difficult things in your life and woman up already. If you want out of the marriage, then YOU get out of the marriage. Take some responsibility here.

Get an attorney and file for divorce or separation or whatever your jurisdiction requires. This has to be YOUR decision and YOUR actions. 

I'm amazed at the TAM choir telling you what a horrible guy your H is and not telling you what you need to hear.

I honestly don't know if your H is a bad guy or not - I'm sorry but I don't trust your interpretation of things since you don't seem to take responsibility. Maybe you're just blaming him? IDK. Mind you he doesn't sound like a winner, but he's the guy you chose and you've chosen to keep his past flings in your life so maybe it's not all him, you know?


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Colorful username OP. You have a small child, you say?
> 
> I'm not going to bother offering advice about your OP.
> 
> ...


Yes! The username struck me as very odd, too.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

The username was picked because I was watching one of my favourite films a few nights ago.. pulp fiction? Yes. Quentin Tarantino fan here... 
Not sure how my username is odd. Its a random username from a film quote..



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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> What I don't understand is why you are trying to get the police to do your job? It's like you want to trick him then call the police and make it their problem.
> 
> You should stop avoiding difficult things in your life and woman up already. If you want out of the marriage, then YOU get out of the marriage. Take some responsibility here.
> 
> ...


I wouldnt have mentioned the police if he would have just left when I have asked him to multiple times in the past 2 months. 
Woman up? I can't use brute strength to force him out, he gets aggressive and physical each time I have stated what I want to happen. He has thrown things at me if I confront him, kicked me up my backside and damaged my tail bone.. when I try to calmly talk to him he just ignores me, walks away or laughs it off and tries to kiss me.
I did love this man, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and then this all happened. The last 2 years of my life have been hectic. I have blamed myself, gotten help for my supposed depression and got myself into therapy.
Im trying my best, but I see no effort on his behalf to work on us or get the help he needs too.

Maybe I should have just left when it all happened. I did want to try look past it all, as like i mentioned I loved him. If i didnt, he would have been gone a long time ago. But at the time, our son was extremely sick and only 6 weeks old. It was an anxiety ridden horrible time in and out of the hospital. I expected more from his father at such a worrisome time.

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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> The username was picked because I was watching one of my favourite films a few nights ago.. pulp fiction? Yes. Quentin Tarantino fan here...
> Not sure how my username is odd. Its a random username from a film quote..
> 
> 
> ...


When anyone uses the word Ded (although not the proper spelling) and Baby together, it's going to strike me as odd. Even more so if the person has a young child.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

prunus said:


> When anyone uses the word Ded (although not the proper spelling) and Baby together, it's going to strike me as odd. Even more so if the person has a young child.


I guess I can see why that would be concerning. 
I just wanted to use the most random name i could find, the movie quote was the first thing that came to mind. 
Sorry.

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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

Anyway thank you for all the advice. I just wanted an outsiders opinion on the matter as I didn't feel comfortable telling people close to us about all of this.
I didn't want to be judged harshly, im trying my best with the given situation. 

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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Your fiancé is not marriage material. Or father material either but I guess it's too late for that.

Where are you living? You mentioned your parents acreage - is that where you are living now? Is there a lease? Whose name is on it?

Has he threatened you? Physical, emotional or verbal abuse? I'm not sure why the police need to be involved. If he's abusive absolutely but if he isn't currently abusive what can they do?

Since it appears you can't come to an agreement, then the courts need to be involved. Who is moving out, who gets primary custody, who gets visitation, who pays child support. What a mess. Your poor child.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop being a doormat. You don't "calmly discuss" anything with a nasty, abusive pos.....you play hardball.

I have some experience with this. 

He smells your weakness. Period.

Why didn't you have him locked up when he kicked you?

Tell him to go ahead and smash the car.....you'll be happy to see him in jail.

If he threatens to take your kid tell him to fvck off. If he leaves tell the cops he's driving with no license.

Stop being his doormat. Who gives a fvck if it's Christmas?

More weakness from you that he smells.

Please tell me you're not having sex with this pos.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Thank you @lifeistooshort missed where she said he kicked her.

Was this reported to the police?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Physical abuse is all you need to focus on. The other women aren't even a consideration. And I apologize about the police comment - they are exactly who you should call on when you have him served. They should be willing to be there if you ask and say you are concerned about violent behavior.

And it's a chopper, baby.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

I think because the physical altercations happened so scarcely, that i havent felt the need to report it or make a big deal out of it.. i didnt want to scream abuse and be accused of lying or exaggerating..
It only seems to happen when i confront him or assert myself. When the picture happened, every time I got upset about it he would drag me to our walk in closet and make me stay there until I had calmed down and gotten over it. It eventually became a slap or whatever..
Then last year at xmas he disappeared off drinking. Came home plastered drunk and I think maybe on drugs... I was angry that he had disappeared on xmas day and not told us where he was going and came home in that state. He flipped and that's when he hurt me worse than he ever has. 
Since then it's been few and far between incidents that he has touched me.. when we made the decision to move closer to my parents, we moved quickly so my oldest daughter could start school at beginning of a school year. 
He started acting emotionally absusive, my depression and anxiety worsened and I ended up trying anti depressants.

I WANT to be assertive. I want to take control of my life, but every single time I feel a little more confidence and start to put my foot down it causes such a horrible scene. He calls me names, he makes me feel like crap. He threatens violence and other things, he says that he will chop my head off if i make him leave without our son.
I then just feel like im causing trouble, i feel guilty for my family and feel selfish.

Im just at wits end with it all. I wish i felt stronger.. right now I just don't. I have my 2nd therapy session with my new therapist and im going to ask some advice there too.. i did call the womens shelter a while back. They told me to come in and they would help me find a safe place for me and my kids. I didn't want to since I'm not in desperate need for immediate shelter, so they said they would call me with an outreach counsellor for support but I never received the call..


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

He doesn't have to work to keep you because he thinks you're easy. He puts in more effort to hook the other women but not with you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I think *because the physical altercations happened so scarcely, that i havent felt the need to report it or make a big deal out of it*.. i didnt want to scream abuse and be accused of lying or exaggerating..


Once is _always _enough. Applied to the 'right place,' that blow can kill you. Assault is assault no matter how many times it happens. 

You've received lots of good advice, OP. It's now up to you whether you stay or whether you go. You just need to want a normal, happy, healthy life enough to extricate yourself from the nightmare you're currently living.

The only thing that changes with abuse is that it usually gets worse.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I couldn't help but laugh when I read this loser claims he's going to "chop your head off if you make him leave without his son."

What's Father of the Year going to do - strap the kid to his bicycle and ride off down the road? He's such a freakin' drunken, worthless loser that he doesn't even have a driver's license.

You obviously have parents who are willing to help you as you said you and the loser moved onto their acreage at one point.

Why don't you just CALL your parents and tell them what's happening and ask them if you can come home? You don't think they'd help you if they knew the truth about him? Have you been lying to them to protect this a*sshole?

If so, it's time to come clean.

If you can't do it for YOURSELF, do it for your innocent kids who don't have a voice or a choice in the matter and don't deserve to have to grow up with an abusive alcoholic for a father.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> i did call the womens shelter a while back. They told me to come in and they would help me find a safe place for me and my kids. I didn't want to since I'm not in desperate need for immediate shelter, so they said they would call me with an outreach counsellor for support but I never received the call.


You are SO full of excuses.

Someone handed you an 'out' on a silver platter and you threw it away.

You're no longer a victim. You're a volunteer.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You are SO full of excuses.
> 
> Someone handed you an 'out' on a silver platter and you threw it away.
> 
> You're no longer a victim. You're a volunteer.


What a HORRIBLE post among many other horrible responses on this thread including the responses of your counselor. OP you are in a classic abusive situation and need help immediately. @EleGirl please point this poster to your posts on classic abuser. OP you need to understand where you are and how you can safely get out. This man could possibly be life threatening to you and your kids and you obviously need help first in understanding where you are in the abusive relationship syndrome and then in safely getting out. I hope @EleGirl sees this if not search for her. 

Don't listen to these people blaming you because that's not going to help you get to a safe place.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

thefam said:


> > Posted by She'sStillGotIt
> >
> > You are SO full of excuses.
> >
> ...


I can see why you might find this post unsympathetic and harsh, but one has to be very careful when advising people who are in abusive relationships... There's a fine line between supporting and enabling, and when an abusive victim refuses to take the help offered to them (in this case by a women's centre, no less, where not only would the OP and her child/ren be safe, but she would have received the very best emotional and legal advice / support possible to help her move forward with her life), sometimes a little 'tough love is in order. Particularly when there are children involved.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Cosmos said:


> Once is _always _enough. Applied to the 'right place,' that blow can kill you. Assault is assault no matter how many times it happens.
> 
> You've received lots of good advice, OP. It's now up to you whether you stay or whether you go. You just need to want a normal, happy, healthy life enough to extricate yourself from the nightmare you're currently living.
> 
> The only thing that changes with abuse is that it usually gets worse.


Fully agree. It should never happen, not even once.

My ex wife punched me in the arm once out of anger, and my first reaction was to laugh. She did it numerous times over the course of our failing marriage, and it became less amusing each time, particularly when I realized it was starting to be a pattern. The fact that she was taking her frustration out on me, in a physical manner, was not okay. She did leave bruises occasionally.

I realize now that this was not at all okay, but the truth of the matter is that I'm a guy, and she was a small woman, so the fear element was never present. Physical abuse is physical abuse, however, and should never be accepted in a relationship (or anywhere else for that matter), regardless of whether or not there's any real danger of being truly hurt. But she used other means of intimidation on me, such as emotional and mental abuse and gaslighting. It was the mental scars I had to deal with more than anything. But when a relationship reaches the point of physical altercations, regardless of who's hitting who, it's reached a new level entirely, IMO, and it's time to go.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"few and far between" is still too common. "Never" is the only acceptable amount. 

And he locked you in a closet? I wouldn't do that to my dog.

Please find a way out for you and your kids. He is never going to change and he will get worse. I cringe to think about how he will treat your older daughter in a few years when she grows into a typical teen with attitude. 

Dear god don't marry him and make sure you can't get pregnant by him again.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Many years ago my wife had a roommate who was single and was not the best person at picking partners. But she was probably lonely and ended up with the wrong sort of men from time to time. One time it was a married guy who carried a gun - a thug - so these weren't just a little bit jerky.

She was a bit taller and a bit larger so probably had self esteem issues. So she settled.

But she was very smart. She went back to school and became a financial planner, worked very hard and became successful. She stopped hanging around with losers but was alone.

One day she started dating a nice, stable guy who was a little older. We all met him and liked him. They dated a while and planned to marry.

Then she broke it off and never saw him again. I think he got angry and she saw the mean side of him. He didn't raise his hand but she saw he was an abuser and she would have none of it. He was shocked and of course acted like it was she who overreacted.

My point? This friend had been going in the same direction as you. Perhaps very similarly - and perhaps there had been physical abuse "occasionally" with some of the guys. BUT... she took charge of her life and gained self respect. It was probably hard work. But once she had freed herself from her past and abusive relationships, and saw her value, she NEVER let someone else abuse her again. And she NEVER made excuses or minimized abusiveness in others.

You can take those first steps to remove yourself from this situation. It's possible and people are there to help. All you need to do is go there to get it started.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

Thanks for all the advice. I didn't post for sympathy or to be enabled. I just wanted answers and input which I appreciate.
The situation is a little complicated but I have taken the steps to keep my kids safe. 
After the incident last Christmas i became aware that it wasnt the safest situation, i didnt tell anybody.. my parents love this guy. But when they offered to rent the basement out to us instead of staying where we were i snatched up the offer and moved closer to my parents for support.
When we moved and I had a little more support i had a little more insight on what was going on and i made the call to get into therapy, i think the realization that i was in an abusive relationship (honestly up until a few months ago I wasn't really aware of what was truly happening.. i believed I was unstable and causing him to act this way) caused me to have a emotional breakdown. Landed me in the doctors office and I have been trying to get a grasp of myself and take the steps needed.
I started to confide in my friend about what was happening, i told my parents that I was planning on leaving. They are here, they live here. I feel safe here and my father would never allow me or my kids to be harmed. Which is what I told the woman's shelter, i didnt need immediate shelter but said if i feel unsafe I will go.

2 weeks ago I asked him to leave, he reacted in such a disgusting manner, my father was working away and my mother just had surgery so I didn't continue it. 
I see my therapist for the 2nd time tomorrow and we are going to discuss my options to get out.

Im smart, im not completely stupid nor accept the behaviour from him. I just feel i need support to kick him out and feel im making the right decision. A lot of the times he makes me feel like im doing this for no reason, breaking apart our family because I'm bitter, sometimes I feel really guilty for everything and the emotions involved are extremely confusing. 

I am scared, im not financially stable alone and he will do everything in his power to take away any stability I have if i leave, hes made that clear. Its a big step to leave, but I am going to do it. I just want to be prepared. 

Thank you for helping making the situation clearer, it helps. I often struggle with the back and forth confusion about if I am overreacting or not. I guess he has just drilled it in that i am overreacting and that im the problem. 

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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Many years ago my wife had a roommate who was single and was not the best person at picking partners. But she was probably lonely and ended up with the wrong sort of men from time to time. One time it was a married guy who carried a gun - a thug - so these weren't just a little bit jerky.
> 
> She was a bit taller and a bit larger so probably had self esteem issues. So she settled.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this. I really want to head in this direction, i do have issues with self esteem, terrible anxiety and I have a good heart. I guess that made me easy, as stated above. 
I know iv found myself in a rut and im determined to get me and my kids out. I think of being alone and away from him and it feels like a dream.
He truly saps me of any kind of confidence that I have, i feel he brings me up and then kicks me right back down. 
Iv been so busy being a mother and running myself wild trying to get me and my kids sorted after moving across province that I have been ignoring the first situation that needs to change. 
I see the urgency though. It needs to be done asap. 
You guys helped me see that. Thanks 

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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Tell your dad you want this guy out. Tell your dad why.

If you were my daughter this guy would be out so quickly your head would spin.


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Tell your dad you want this guy out. Tell your dad why.
> 
> If you were my daughter this guy would be out so quickly your head would spin.


Yes. If i told my dad exactly what was happening he would have him out in a flash.. he would probably be livid. I feel like a burden though sometimes.. i really didnt want to drag other people into the crap i feel i brought on myself. 

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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> When I reminded him that he lost his driving license, he told me he would smash the car up instead of leaving it for me.





> I constantly go back and forth from feeling guilty and that i should be working on our relationship for the kids right back to feeling urgent to leave.


Does not compute.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

toblerone said:


> Does not compute.




Effects of abuse.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Some info on domestic violence.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Abuser tricks and warning signs of domestic abuse. - New Hope for Women


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Zeds,

You wrote, *His past is extremely colourful. More than what I thought but more importantly a number of the women he was involved in are still in our lives as friends, so I see these women all the time.*

When you are with someone who is or was a player it's like walking in a mine field every day but even more so when they continue to lie. 

If you are going to make a life with this person you need to remove all his former lovers from contact with you and him.

With that in mind you need to expose his affairs to the SO of his partners and those past partners he is still in contact with.

Also get a polygraph for him.

Tamat


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> Yes. If i told my dad exactly what was happening he would have him out in a flash.. he would probably be livid. I feel like a burden though sometimes.. i really didnt want to drag other people into the crap i feel i brought on myself.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk


If my daughter was in the same situation as you I would hope that she would come to me with this. I wouldn't consider helping my daughter a "burden"


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## ZeddsDedBaby (Dec 19, 2016)

Thanks all. I went to my therapy appointment today and described what was going on. I told her I didn't think the anti depressants were working for me anymore as I have been feeling extremely low for the past week. She said that it's most likely we are going through the tense cycle of abuse and it's causing me to feel anxious.
As I described the most common types of arguments we have and what was going on, she said he is trying to control my every move and using psychological warfare against me.. resulting in my mixed feelings and confusion.. especially me thinking I'm jealous or crazy. 
She gave me a crisis number to call and told me to stay out of his way while family are flying over to stay for 2 weeks. 
She then suggested I take my children to the womens shelter and stay until I know he has left the house. If i feel safe enough to return, I can, as staying in the shelter makes me feel overly anxious. 

Im a little nervous of the things about to happen but I know it is time. I'm tired of feeling drained and treated like im nothing. 

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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ZeddsDedBaby said:


> Thanks all. I went to my therapy appointment today and described what was going on. I told her I didn't think the anti depressants were working for me anymore as I have been feeling extremely low for the past week. She said that it's most likely we are going through the tense cycle of abuse and it's causing me to feel anxious.
> As I described the most common types of arguments we have and what was going on, she said he is trying to control my every move and using psychological warfare against me.. resulting in my mixed feelings and confusion.. especially me thinking I'm jealous or crazy.
> She gave me a crisis number to call and told me to stay out of his way while family are flying over to stay for 2 weeks.
> *She then suggested I take my children to the womens shelter and stay until I know he has left the house. If i feel safe enough to return, I can, as staying in the shelter makes me feel overly anxious. *
> ...


Soungs like your therapist has given you good advice.

I know how hard this is, but you can do it. It's absolutely vital that you don't let your H know about any of your plans, though, because the most dangerous time for a victim of DV is when they're planning to leave.

Document everything he says and does to you, and start making a safe exit plan. An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship | Dr. Phil

Once in the shelter, the support workers will advise you about getting a restraining order in place so that your H can't harass you when you leave the shelter. 

There's a bright new world on the other side of all this, and you WILL get through this.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Hi ZeddsDedBaby,

First off, I believe it's not too much to ask that this man of yours cuts off all ties with women he has had sexual relations with in the past. He might never think of crossing the line with them again. However, out of respect for you he should end those relationships. I don't think that's too much to ask. It's the smart thing to do for everyone involved. How would he feel if you two were friends with men you were once sexually involved with? I doubt he would appreciate it.

Second, that photograph of him being kissed on the cheek by another woman is a big red flag. He crossed the line. If he does not want to seek therapy, perhaps it's time to assess your future relationship with this man. Easier said than done, I know.

I wish you all the best.


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