# Handling the rage.



## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

I don't know what to do with all of this. I cannot focus it all into working out. It is now seething out of me, and growing. The more I learn, the worse it gets. There are new disclosures almost daily about the lies I have been living under. The plotting, the scheming, the lying... the calculated nature of my circumstance, plotted at each point by this person I am married to.

This is well beyond betrayal. I do not know how I can deal with her for the next 16 years. I was happily married last month. I knew she was feeling in a rut, but I was at the end of a long journey to achieve the goals which would erase her conditional disappointment. The truth is, nothing was real... from the beginning, nothing was real. As the pieces all fall together... I find myself overcome with a rage that causes my face to spasm... my body to shake. The highlights...

She intentionally got pregnant, while convincing me such was a medical impossibility. 

She did this because my folks had a good deal of money at the time, and I make good money doing what I do... when there is work for it. There is a lot to this part, for which I am responsible for not doing enough, quickly enough, after I ran my business into the ground.

She had been plotting my removal for months, while swearing the opposite. Reaffirming her commitment to me, while she slowly developed conditions to oust me, and began an affair which is now as in my face as it can be. 

This seems to have begun as my folks financial portfolio had reached an irreversible trend. They were heavily invested in some not particularly desirable real-estate RIGHT before the housing crisis... and bought into a failing business on fraudulent conditions. They are now close to bankruptcy. 

She got health insurance... sometime last year through her work, I am just not on the policy. Prior to that I had insurance I was paying privately until I could no longer afford it. It was my understanding she had put the kids on medicaid. I was very embarrassed by this, I have never had any sort of assistance my entire life, and was a strong motivator for me to stop "learning" and start applying. This was initially complicated by the position she took that I move from our very rural location to the tech sector, where I had an offer (contract), and if offered a position at the end of that contract, she and the kids would follow. This was a red-flag, of course, and I refused to leave without my family. I thought I had to put some work into our marriage from within, not outside of it. My gut said if I left out the door, I would never be welcome back through it. Clearly that was correct. That was about... 4 months ago I guess. As of December she said she changed her mind, and said all of the things I wanted to hear. 

She explained all of this, over the last few weeks, once the lying answers she had prepared were logically dismantled... with a cold and flippant demeanor, and a wry smile. It is as though I am in on her secret, that she is a horrible person, and she enjoys having someone to appreciate the poison. She is much more forthcoming now when asked. She does not offer it, it all has to be discovered, but she explains it now, without pretense, as though she expects appreciation for the depth of her poisoned well. 

I asked if she would be willing to go to therapy, if I paid for it, and she agreed. We found someone she thought she would like, and she went yesterday. She heard what she wanted to hear, and felt she was given a clean bill of heath, and has no intent of going back. Money down the drain, that she laughably had insurance to cover. 

She freely admits she never loved me... that she is completely amoral. Does not expect or need forgiveness... and that there is really nothing I can do, about any of it. She feels a great weight has been lifted from her

I have got to get out of here... but the interview processes are so long... applications... relentless follow-up... then phone interviews... then sit-downs... then another sit-down with nerds quizzing me... then if a decision is made to hire, a few weeks of transition, and a few weeks of waiting till I get a check. In the meantime she needles and uses me to facilitate her affair. 

And my sweet innocent children are here, without any real understanding of what is coming, except that daddy has to move to his new job, and will see them whenever he can.

I don't know what to do with all this anger. I can only work out so much. I am already overdoing it. Everything hurts all the time, and I am shredding my bad knee. I am walking with a brace and a limp now... and I have to take supplements to sleep because I am in so much physical pain, and so angry. I am in great risk of seriously injuring myself. Focusing on the interviews is getting harder as I live out this trash tv episode that has become my life. Nobody who knows her really believes the things I tell them, she is a brilliant little actress. They think I am bitter over the affair. I don't know how to deal with this. I was completely unprepared.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know where you are at but my betrayal was different. A good IC was important to me, she really talked me through the worst of it. I also did the work out thing but I also did batting cages, driving range and I went to the shooting range. 

I also wrote all my feelings down, what ever I was thinking I wrote it in a journal. It was almost two years after DD but I was able to let go and I burned the journal. It was a symbol to me that I was able to move on.

Best of luck brother.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Quixotic said:


> I asked if she would be willing to go to therapy, if I paid for it, and she agreed. We found someone she thought she would like, and she went yesterday.


That's not quite implementing the 180, is it Q?

Follow the advice you've already been given.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

badmemory said:


> That's not quite implementing the 180, is it Q?
> 
> Follow the advice you've already been given.


I have been disloyal to the 180. I didn't think that her getting help was... but yeah... I need to reset. I did backslide, re talking about me, not being angry... she was trying to say something this morning on her way out, and I told her just... no... go... get out...

My decency is an exploitable condition, and I am living with a sociopath. I would not be surprised if there was a life insurance policy on me. I have spoken truthfully about her deplorable behavior with words like cheater. I am not doing this right.

Her talking to a therapist, I felt, was in the best interests of my kids. Nothing to do with me or the marriage... I appreciate the reminder about my behavior with her. I haven't looked at the list in a while. That is now gong to be part of my daily routine in the morning. Thank you for that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You're finding out why the 180 is so important. 

It's not for punishing her, it's not meant to effect your children, it's not meant for lashing out at her.

It's for you - to help you *DETACH.* And bro, if anyone needed to detach from their WS, it's you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. She honestly does sound like a sociopath.

*RUN.*


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

This is one of the greatest pains you can go through. 

when you feel angry and rage, acknowledge that you are having those feelings. Do not react to them in a violent way. 
yell out loud in a place where you are alone and no one around. 
do what ever releases them. 
write them down, know that the feelings are there. 
but never lose your temper infront of people, things will just get worst. 

know that in this life, if you dont suffer you dont grow. suffering and pain will pass. at the moment you might feel like you can not shake the feelings off. but know that it wont affect you for ever. 
dont get stuck thinking on the same thing over and over. 
go out, go to the gym, go out for walks, keep your mind occupied. 

i myself cant work when i'm feeling down. but sometimes there's no choice but to grab your balls and go forward.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Quixotic said:


> ...My decency is an exploitable condition, and I am living with a sociopath.


:iagree:

Very well said. It sounds like you have undergone an attitude adjustment since you last thread.

Anger/rage is an important part in the experience. Don't do stupid things that will cause you jail time or lose of custody.

It is important to guys like you and me because it is a motivator. It makes you realize that you have been wrong about your appoach.

Feel the anger. Use it to file for a D. Use it to go dark on her. Use it to let those around you know the truth about your marriage.

I feel empathy for you, but in a way it is a good thing you are now fully aware of the woman you thought you knew.

Let her go. Move on. Use your future finding a better you and a better companion.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Wow. Dude, that's horrible. Sorry to hear what you've got yourself wrapped up with. I hope you can make a clean break and have a better life without her. Often, people like her drive their own karma bus over a cliff eventually. 

Perhaps some of those discussions could have been recorded for future use?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The thing that jumps out is either lying to the therapist or lying to you. I would send a list to the therapist of what she told you. I doubt it will do any good but you are in a fault state.

I would demand she have a psych evaluation. I know it would be hard but she doesn't need to be around children. Other single dads here get custody, think about it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Q, I hope you realize your marriage is gone, cannot be recovered, and she wants you out of her life, period. If there is any part of you that believes she's going to come to her senses and embrace you and the marriage, you may as well forget it. It ain't gonna happen.
You've got only two choices Dawg; 

--stay in the situation as long as she'll let you, learn to put up with it, and be satisfied with room and board, 

--find you another place to stay and start recovering.

I've used this example once. It may have been on your thread but here goes. I opened a lawn service business for my grand kids. We were pesticides contractors. One thing you learn is that when a person is showing signs of exposure to pesticides, first remove them to an area away from the toxin. They are not going to recover if they continue being exposed to what is making them sick. 
You know where I going this, don't you. You're showing the signs my man. Get your azz away for this toxicity .


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Evidently you ignored the warnings to var her convos. This is going to get worse still you start listening and take control.

Right now she sees herself getting everything she wants, especially your kids.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

Last night I got loud for the first time.

My schedule is now limited to Mondays and Thursdays to do work, schedule appointments, run errands, and interview. All other times I have the kids. She shows up at around 6:30am to pretend to our daughter she has been here all night, and take her to school. She does not return until bed time IF she is not working, and then leaves again pretty much every night (she has stayed here 5 nights since Dday). 

Yesterday my plate was full. She took our daughter to school, and didn't come back. I blew 3 appts before I was able to get her to come back. I went to my first one 3 hours late, and had to rush the job to get back so she could go to therapy. She did not return there either. I had another apt at 8, which I also missed.

As our daughter was put to bed I explained that as much as she didn't want to be here, for me to be able to leave, and give her everything she wants, I need her here on those days so that I can do what I need to do, to which she replied that she needed a schedule to know when she had to be here... after our daughter was in bed, the discussion escalated. I need the flexibility to take things not scheduled on the fly, and do... normal day to day **** packed into two days. She refused, as she does not want to be around me if she doesn't have to, and I guess thinks I do.

I got loud. I was angry, and said that I was trying to ultimately give her what she wants, despite her treating me like a piece of ****. I did everything wrong. I called her names, I used phrases like "home so you can pretend to be a mother"... and when I got loud my daughter who was supposed to be in bed wandered into the room and I snapped "Why aren't you in bed?" at her because I was embarrassed she saw me arguing, and wasn't supposed to hear any of this... and realized how loud I was. She wanted to know what a word in the book she was reading was... and no doubt heard me being loud. She burst into tears.

It was a serious screw up. Following the 180 would have prevented that.

I do need her to parent on her days off though... and I don't know how to apply the 180 to achieve that.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Q, I hope you realize your marriage is gone, cannot be recovered, and she wants you out of her life, period. If there is any part of you that believes she's going to come to her senses and embrace you and the marriage, you may as well forget it. It ain't gonna happen.
> You've got only two choices Dawg;
> 
> --stay in the situation as long as she'll let you, learn to put up with it, and be satisfied with room and board,
> ...


Oh hell no. It's beyond done. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING on this Earth that would make me even consider reconciliation. 

The thing is, I have to watch the kids while she is at work, and she doesn't come home at night. I am trapped here as a parent, which she thinks of as a free babysitter, until such time as I can find a place where I can take kids to. As a temporary situation, there isn't much available... and a lease situation beyond month to month... requires I know where my new job will be, in a fairly big diameter of the map. I really do HAVE to be here until I find something magic, and spend a chunk of my newly acquired egg to do it. It is just suck.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

God and I don't hang out. If we did, He wouldn't want me to martyr myself staying married to the devil.

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Q, I try to be respectful to other posters here. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. So, if you're prone to listening to what this poster is telling you - I would suggest that you go read her original thread, to see how she's allowed herself to be a total doormat to her husband after and during his A. Even taking him to the airport to meet up with the OW.
> 
> Then you can make that judgement for yourself.


I am clear. I am just having anger management issues, for the first time. I get that I must be detached. I have COMPLETELY detached from the idea of being with this person a second longer than I am forced to. I am having difficulty finding a constructive outlet for all this... just rage. I am not in pain anymore... I am just pissed off. There will be pain when I am away from my kids... of that there is no doubt. I am, however, enjoying my time with them now, and not pre-ordering that pain. 

It is just maintaining my cool when forced to deal with her actions at this point. I am just seething as she continues to sabotage even my efforts which further her desires by proxy.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm not big on pharmaceutical remedies Q, but I think you should see a doctor about some temporary meds to help you get through this - if not IC.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

badmemory said:


> I'm not big on pharmaceutical remedies Q, but I think you should see a doctor about some temporary meds to help you get through this - if not IC.


You are not the first to suggest this. I am just trying to avoid the expense of IC. I guess that is not brilliant. I was willing to pay for her to go because I think she is broken, and it will be difficult to legally wrestle the kids from her. I am a no meds sort of guy... taking melatonin was a concession for me... and it is pretty darned natural. I am also afraid of being dulled for the interviews I have to be sharp for. So no to meds... but... I guess I should work on mustering the courage to admit I might need help outside of these little boxes. I will ruminate.

I guess I was hoping for some magic breathing exercise or some such nonsense.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sounds like the money would be better spent on your own IC than paying for hers. Good luck Q.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The thing is, I have to watch the kids while she is at work, and she doesn't come home at night. I am trapped here as a parent, which she thinks of as a free babysitter.

Get her to pay for the babysitter. Atleast, get her to to pay for her half


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Qui,

I am in Anger Management and IC and it works wonders. Also try a book called Letting Go. I feel your rage. At first, I wanted to only beat the crap out of the POSOM but now I realize that my STBXW is the real villian in all of this....now I only think about beating the crap out of POSOM once a week...I actully realized that I had to let it go so I could get better. It's true, the best revenge is moving on and making yourself better.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

AFPhoenix said:


> I am in Anger Management and IC and it works wonders.
> 
> ..now I only tinik about beating the crap out of POSOM once a week..


I guess that's progress. I'm down to 3 times a week.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Quixotic said:


> You are not the first to suggest this. I am just trying to avoid the expense of IC. I guess that is not brilliant. I was willing to pay for her to go because I think she is broken, and it will be difficult to legally wrestle the kids from her. I am a no meds sort of guy... taking melatonin was a concession for me... and it is pretty darned natural. I am also afraid of being dulled for the interviews I have to be sharp for. So no to meds... but... I guess I should work on mustering the courage to admit I might need help outside of these little boxes. I will ruminate.
> 
> I guess I was hoping for some magic breathing exercise or some such nonsense.


A good IC is worth their weight in gold as far as I am concerned. I not only thought of beating up, shooting the POS OM I was dreaming about it as well. One of the exercises that was given to me was to focus on my kids and granddaughter when the anger and in my case mind movies came up.

When I kept my journal which I thought at the time would be used against me when I shot the SOB, I also made an effort to write down what I was doing when the anger welled up. I did discover there where clear triggers and later I worked to avoid them.

God and I were also not buddies at the time this happened. That changed at least for me. I wish there was a breathing exercise or meditation that would work it all out for you but I really think you need some help like I did. 

At first my ego was screaming at me your wife f'd another man and now I am supposed to go cry on somebody's shoulder. It took the thought of me sitting in jail and being separated from my kids that drove me to seeking out an IC


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Q, you feel anger cause you lost control of the situation. 

OK, while all parents are free babysitters, it should be done fairly.
Your apps and interviews, work etc. are not less important than hers things to do.
Make the schedule in advance if you can and tell her if she is not able to come home to watch kids, either she will arrange a babysitter or you will deliver them to her office etc. Just business like approach.

Regarding nights out - you can go out as well - every second night if you wish... Don't discuss, just inform her - and then go. 

Mirroring behaviour sometime is the best way to get at least some understanding. 

On physiological side: when you feel strong anger you need to do some kind of hard physical activity till you are tired - kickboxing perhaps? You need to let your anger out in harmless way...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Quixotic said:


> I am clear. I am just having anger management issues, for the first time.


Weightlifting and a Martial art with medium to hard contact sparring, It'll work wonders for you. No, don't give me any any age excuses, I taught and trained with people in their 50s and 60s.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Quixotic, have you consulted a divorce attorney? He or she might have some suggestions as to how you can establish a more equitable sharing of child care responsibilities via the courts.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

Just a few things, not excuses... just... things.

1. I have no desire to put my hands on her, just yell a lot. Violence is not in the cards. I do fantasize about kicking the crap out of the OM, but... as mentioned... my issue is with my wife. I do hope she gets a nasty VD... but... no, no violent thoughts.

2. I am working out as hard as I can. Everything I have hurts.

3. Sparring isn't gonna be a good idea. My right knee has a severed ACL and a torn LCL. MCL and duct tape is pretty much all that is keeping it together... which is why running has become a real problem. Jumping rope is a little better, but I need an elliptical or cycle... well I need surgery, but, I have done some damage over the last couple of weeks to it, and am having difficulty walking.

I will have to put off some things I don't want to for IC, or get over it. Whichever comes first.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Drop the kids off at the posom's house every other night.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Drop the kids off at the posom's house every other night.


In general I like your advice, but I don't want that mother****er breathing the same air as my kids. I do not want to provide an intro to them cohabiting. I don't want him here with the kids, nor her there (with the kids). It is part of the custody agreement that there is none of that for one year.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Quixotic said:


> Just a few things, not excuses... just... things.
> 
> 1. I have no desire to put my hands on her, just yell a lot. Violence is not in the cards. I do fantasize about kicking the crap out of the OM, but... as mentioned... my issue is with my wife. I do hope she gets a nasty VD... but... no, no violent thoughts.
> 
> ...


I am sorry if it seemed like I was addressing you about violent thoughts. That was my issue and I was trying to share the depth of my anger. As I said an IC for me was what I needed and it really helped. It was not cheap, my insurance did not pick up a dime of the costs. I hope a few of my other suggestions will help.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

"I'm not big on pharmaceutical remedies Q, but I think you should see a doctor about some temporary meds to help you get through this - if not IC."

Dont let anger & rage get the best of you. Ask for help if you need it. It consumed me for almost 2 years.

-sammy


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Quixotic said:


> 3. Sparring isn't gonna be a good idea. My right knee has a severed ACL and a torn LCL. MCL and duct tape is pretty much all that is keeping it together... which is why running has become a real problem. Jumping rope is a little better, but I need an elliptical or cycle... well I need surgery, but, I have done some damage over the last couple of weeks to it, and am having.


Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

The thing is, with people like this, you never know if anything they say is the truth. Lies upon lies and contradictions, and you just don't know. At some point, the best thing is to just not care.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Do what you can to get yourself under a different roof. Get legal advice before leaving the marital home, but you need to be under a different roof. Either get her out, or get yourself out. 

You say money is an issue? How much is she costing you by not being there to watch the kids forcing you to bail on appointments?

Under your own roof, you can have custody arrangements set by the court. She either takes care of the kids during her time, or you can file for abandonment and get full custody and have her pay you child support.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Q. Your doing okay. This is normal and you are not going insane.

You might feel like you are going insane but it is not you who has let go of reality. It is your wife. 

Your Stbxw is insanely angry with you for exposure, she is insanely angry with you for spoiling her fun. You forced her into the open. She does not like this one little bit.

She is at the moment putting her OM and her fantasy with him before her children. I have no idea how a woman who bore a child can sink so low but you are not alone. My ExW did it and 3 years later is feeling the very real consequences of that betrayal.



I think the most of the anger you feel is for your kids and their betrayal. 

The main result of intensive IC for 12 months was this:

You can not control or emotionally protect your kids from their Mother. You have probably been acting as a buffer for a long time.
You must stop this. 
It is the most painful thing I have ever done but also the most liberating for me and my kids. By me not intervening it gave them permission to express their feelings to their Mother. 

Relationships must stand or fall on their own merits. 

As it stands you are in a terrible situation where the source of your pain and anxiety is still in close proximity and pushing you to react. 
As someone once said to me on TAM. 
"She can push all your buttons because she installed them!"

Your brain is in trauma and you need to treat it as such. You will be surprised at the seriousness that this is taken by the medical profession. 

Take anti-anxiety drugs, they will not kill your creative streak but will allow you to sleep and give you the ability to think and act more like your true character. Some Dr's will put you on a Anti-anxiety combined with a anti-depressant. They were good for the first 8 weeks. They remove the worst of the pain and that is what you need right now..
Go and see your Doctor. For the sake of your kids.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Watch your anger and your outbursts. When you are ready to fly off the handle, think about your kids. Your wife can and more than likely will use everything you say against you. She may be recording it.

I did the raging thing in 2012 and at one point my kids turned against me. I was out of control. My boys were on my side and it took a while to get them back. They hated what their mother did, but my anger was getting the best of me.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

Hi Q, Me again. You won't like my post so best to just skip it...

Didn't you say your parents were close? Can't you get them to look after the kids? Find a babysitter somewhere? Daycare for the days you need to meet with interviewers?

You have to stop using the kids as an excuse to not get anything accomplished. Other people are able to live 100% of the time as single parents and still get to full time jobs and appointments, why can't you?

Pick days and set a schedule like your wife suggested. This nonsense about needing to be free to make appointments at a moments notice is foolish, you can't even make appointments that are planned days in advance because until you get your own way to "Be Flexible" you are stuck in the mud doing nothing.

This is a choice and you are choosing to stay in this situation. You need a job or you can't help your kids, but you use the kids as an excuse to not get a job...... Get sensible please..... Your wife did put you in this situation but she isn't the one keeping you there, your doing that for her. It's on you to get out of it.

Missing job interviews is just like saying you don't want the job. Your excuses for it are just that... Excuses.

Seriously, you can pay for therapy for a wife you have no intention to R with but can't pay to get to a job interview to save your own life and allow you to provide for your kids....

Stop watering your lawn while your house is burning down.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does she have an identifiable mental illness? Her attitude sounds a little 'odd' to me.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

ing said:


> You can not control or emotionally protect your kids from their Mother. You have probably been acting as a buffer for a long time.
> You must stop this.
> It is the most painful thing I have ever done but also the most liberating for me and my kids. By me not intervening it gave them permission to express their feelings to their Mother.


Ugh...

I mean... UGHH!

Yes. I have. They are so little... 6 and 2... she is going to self destruct with the moral compass out of the way. I can only hope she doesn't drive drunk with the kids... again. Happened once before... after that discussion it never happened again. In the months leading up to this, however, she was driving herself home drunk from work. She has not come home from his place drunk. I can only assume that she is not drinking around him because... well... she is a monster when she drinks. Like I said, I always thought she was a horrible drunk... turns out she is just a horrible person that loses her acting ability when she is drunk. 

Yes this is the source of my rage. I cannot protect them from their mother. I can only hope she gets stopped... again. That would really fix everything. 3rd DUI at least. She didn't have a license when we met. She got a DUI, then got into an accident on a suspended license from the first DUI while drunk. Then fled court. Unbeknown to me, she was a fugitive when we met. License for... about 10 years. Was very expensive to get her legit again... which was how I learned about that all. 

She didn't drink when pregnant... at all... but within a few weeks after the birth we went to a friends house and she got smashed. She was stumbling drunk, and picked up the baby to stumble around with... and was trying to fight with me while trying to get the baby from her. Eventually with everyone looking at us, she handed her over. From then on out I refused to enable her drinking. I believe this ushered in the era of me being "no fun". She was good for a few years... falling down occasionally. "Allowed" to drink at some social events... but as I said, she is a monster when she drinks... so we would not be invited back to those social events she was "allowed" to drink at.

I am not a controlling guy... if that is what you think. I simply did not permit her to be a monster around the kids. Once she got her license back... well... she has probably come home more than a dozen times blown. 

I don't know how I am going to be able to do it... leave them here. She isn't going to fail a psych eval. I cannot prove any of this... well... except the baby wrangling incident. but that was 6 and half years ago. We lived a very solitary existence. Outside of two relatives, one of us was with the kids at all times (outside of the girls school)... and the other one was working.

I just don't know how to not protect my kids. I just don't know how.

Well that was a longer reply than I intended. Was just going to write "ugh".


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Q - hang in there. You have made great leaps. Get your anger under control.

Don't focus on the past right now, especially the things you can't prove or that will make you look foolish, e.g. you say she strangled the kids, and she says, I never did and see how he comes up with crap". This line will not work. You will need solid proof of her mistakes. If she is drinking and driving, call the cops. If she goes into a rage, call the cops.

But don't allow her the opportunity to turn the tables on you by calling the cops on you because you are raging.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

Rubicon said:


> Hi Q, Me again. You won't like my post so best to just skip it...
> 
> Didn't you say your parents were close? Can't you get them to look after the kids? Find a babysitter somewhere? Daycare for the days you need to meet with interviewers?
> 
> ...


Well, again, you are wrong. I have clients. My clients are aware that my work days are monday and friday. Some of them are scheduled, some of them are emergency. Sometimes I have errands to run to facilitate job or home. Sometimes jobs take 15 minutes. Sometimes I have to drive to a real town to get a part. You don't understand what I do, and I am not using anything as an excuse for anything. I have a couple of grand now, and am trying not to bleed it out. The reason I was willing to pay for therapy for the wife is because she is broken, and has to take primary custody of my kids. 

My parents are close, but my Dad is here some weeks, and not others... and they run a 7 day a week business... so they cannot simply, at the drop of a hat, come take care of the kids. They are trying to be as available as possible, but what I need, is the two days for her to come home and pretend to be a mother.

I need the job. The moment I have an offer, I am out of here. The moment I have an offer, I will find a place to rent halfway between. My **** is packed, right now. Sitting in the living room. I do not want to be here a second longer than I have to.

Your crystal ball is broken.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Q - hang in there. You have made great leaps. Get your anger under control.
> 
> Don't focus on the past right now, especially the things you can't prove or that will make you look foolish, e.g. you say she strangled the kids, and she says, I never did and see how he comes up with crap". This line will not work. You will need solid proof of her mistakes. If she is drinking and driving, call the cops. If she goes into a rage, call the cops.
> 
> But don't allow her the opportunity to turn the tables on you by calling the cops on you because you are raging.


You are right... the problem with the drunk driving thing, is we don't talk. I don't know, until she is already here... and she can't hide it AT ALL. I was incredibly angry this morning when I posted this. I see what I am to do... I just need to get back to the 180 and stick like glue.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Ahh the rage. It's all consuming. I wish I had a cure all for it but I don't . My best advise is just do your best to keep control of it. Took everything I had.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This is my last warning. BUY A VAR

BTW, why can't you go for primary custody. It would be a lot cheaper and safer for your kids.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Q it sounds like you're going to have to live in the midst of the problem until you can get situated. If you make up your mind its temporary, you'll be ok. Two times when it doesn't do any good to be angry is when you can do something about the problem and when you can't.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

An interesting twist... she has about 5 bank accounts. 

And I am not sure what she has done with the taxes... it occurs to me I haven't signed anything in years... I don't think that is how that works...

I seriously have no idea who this woman is. It is becoming laughable.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Quixotic said:


> An interesting twist... she has about 5 bank accounts.
> 
> And I am not sure what she has done with the taxes... it occurs to me I haven't signed anything in years... I don't think that is how that works...
> 
> I seriously have no idea who this woman is. It is becoming laughable.


5 bank accounts? Hell, I'm self employed and only have 3. 

Q, get you a heavy bag and some gloves and start banging away. That was what I did 10 years ago and it help me in ways you can't imagine. Pretty cheap too (around $200 for a decent set). That will help a lot with your frustration, anxiety, anger, sleep, and as an aside, you get in better shape, look and feel better.

I can't recommend this enough. Quite cathartic, especially when you tape the letters of the POSOM's name down the front of the bag.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

3putt said:


> 5 bank accounts? Hell, I'm self employed and only have 3.
> 
> Q, get you a heavy bag and some gloves and start banging away. That was what I did 10 years ago and it help me in ways you can't imagine. Pretty cheap too (around $200 for a decent set). That will help a lot with your frustration, anxiety, anger, sleep, and as an aside, you get in better shape, look and feel better.
> 
> I can't recommend this enough. Quite cathartic, especially when you tape the letters of the POSOM's name down the front of the bag.


6 so far.

****ing hell. What is going on...


* So how do I handle this... and stick to the 180?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Safeguard your evidence, put it in a place where she can't get at it.

Talk to someone and vent.

This stuff will eat you up.

I wrote myself a note and carried it in my pocket, it said, "Keep your mouth shut!".

Don't confront her. Don't question her. When I did the 180 it was hard. I am a talker, I want to talk things out. If I would have it would have weakened my position.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> Safeguard your evidence, put it in a place where she can't get at it.
> 
> Talk to someone and vent.
> 
> ...


/me wonders if she has been collecting disability or something in my name

At this point... nothing would surprise me.

She has to have a PO box... this stuff isn't coming to the house. Just the three are.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Quixotic said:


> 6 so far.
> 
> ****ing hell. What is going on...
> 
> ...


I have no idea what's going on. How do you know about all these accounts anyway? Any transfers that are questionable?

Definitely stick to the 180, but keep digging and document (in writing) everything you uncover.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

3putt said:


> I have no idea what's going on. How do you know about all these accounts anyway? Any transfers that are questionable?
> 
> Definitely stick to the 180, but keep digging and document (in writing) everything you uncover.


Well, I found a doc in the firesafe from one... she has two in the kids names at her bank, she has two at her bank... and my mom informed me that she has another one at small bank in the city where their business is... she worked for my folks for a bit. Used to work there on Thursdays... she evidently started calling in a few months ago.

I don't know where all this stuff is... but I am going to tear the house apart tomorrow.

I wonder if she has a storage unit somewhere...

I need to put a ****ing GPS on the car. This is too much.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Quixotic said:


> And I am not sure what she has done with the taxes... it occurs to me I haven't signed anything in years... I don't think that is how that works...


Three possibilities:

She filed electronically. (married filing jointly)

She filed married filing separate

She didn't file at all.

Did you have any income during this time?


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Three possibilities:
> 
> She filed electronically. (married filing jointly)
> 
> ...


Oh yeah... of course.

I just signed it all over to her...

She definitely filed because she got returns... I assume she just shoveled it into these other accounts. I have no idea how much money she has. We pay all our bills, and I don't buy much... but there is always money there. 

I have no earthly idea how much is in any of these accounts. I just started putting all my checks in my new account.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You can ask the IRS for a copy of your returns.

Start looking in the garbage. I found stuff there, but be smart about it. Make sure everything is back the way it was.

Talk to a lawyer about the kids accounts.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> You can ask the IRS for a copy of your returns.
> 
> Start looking in the garbage. I found stuff there, but be smart about it. Make sure everything is back the way it was.
> 
> Talk to a lawyer about the kids accounts.


About the garbage... about 6 months ago she became religious about taking it to the dump (at the end of our road) on her way to work. A bag never sits around more than a day.

IRS actually has an online link to view... but... you only get 3 guesses on all the info to guess how the return was filed... and not paying attention, the zip autofilled with the neighboring town for the first two... so I have to wait 24 hrs


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You're a good writer, so I'd assume you have a good analytical and critical mind. Also you seem to be getting a handle on things as time goes on. Always, always, head over heart. 

Very clear you haven't been driving this relationship for a long time but are now going about trying to establish some control.

Continue the 180, but for heaven's sake do not engage her, you'd think someone smart enough to hide everything from you and start proceedings would have factored in any reactions from you, including using those reactions against you in the divorce.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hi Q...

You need a new mindset....something alien to you, but extremely important...

You need to start communicating to your stbxw in the manner she understands......everything is about her.

Tell her if she ever expects big child support and alimony checks....she absolutely needs to be on your side. Tell her you absolutely don't mind paying and supporting her future life....for the sake of the kids...but she needs to be onboard with you. That means being able to come and help you out at the drop of a hat, so you can go to some extremely lucrative job leads you absolutely can't miss. Because if you miss them....well, then you will both be missing out on some huge 6 figure salary opportunities. So...please...please...help me out and be on board with this for me!

You need to start expressing your communication to the point of her seeing, "what's in it for me!". This....she understands. For her...she will do what needs to be done.

However...this is what may be alien to you..probably because you are a moral and decent person. But! You don't need to mean a single word of it. and in the end game? Who really gives a shat. her? She just has to believe you mean it. Then? Well...once you get her on board...she will start to help you and make your life easier because "she" will be making "her" life easier.

It's unfortunate you may need to act this way. But some people are just not good people. My strategy? Beat them at thier own game. Then, save your goodness and morals for those that will appreciate it, instead of abusing it.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Oh...and say it all with a smile! Drop the anger around her. You will need to "sell" this to her!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

the 180 is good. but IMO I dont quite understand how a rotten WS should expect not to endure a few raging episodes. if they dont want to get blown away by the contempt and anger of a BS a few times then theyd better clear out ASAP. I dont see what wrong with name calling when the names are completely valid.......and deserved


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Whenever i start to self pity, i find a charity or cause to donate my time to. Its good karma, gives you perspective on the problems of others, and it takes the focus off yourself.

Try it.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Do some charity.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think folks here can testify that Ive expressed a lot of anger and rage and venom on this forum. Throughout the divorce, prior to, and a year and a half later as well. 
Its alright to experience and validate that anger, resentment, humiliation, surprise, grief. You need to. 
The good thing, that I can assure you of, as a person that has spent likely way too long ruminating about every little shtty detail of her surprise exit, is that it does not last forever. 

There will come a time when it truly, does not matter to you anymore, and you will realize that aspect about the situation, and feel relief.

If I didn't believe what I had read on here, from others saying the same things to me, I don't know what I would have done for "hope" for myself.


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## Quixotic (Jan 22, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Hi Q...
> 
> You need a new mindset....something alien to you, but extremely important...
> 
> ...


Well, funny you should mention that. The evening I blew up... these were the words I was saying, just very aggro. She needs to help me be able to give her everything she wants, me gone, the kids covered, and her to not have to work for the next decade. It was just the delivery that left something to be desired... and snapping at our little girl for catching me yelling at her mother. It was heartbreaking.

This morning we had a very pleasant exchange. She ended by asking me if I wrote a letter to his parents. I said I might have, and she laughed.

It was a pretty good letter... I thought. It was enough to get them to call him. So it was good enough I guess. Its purported purpose was to try and have a shot at keeping my family together, though I am under no illusion that such is a possibility now.



illwill said:


> Whenever i start to self pity, i find a charity or cause to donate my time to. Its good karma, gives you perspective on the problems of others, and it takes the focus off yourself.
> 
> Try it.


It is odd you mention that. Every time I have been out lately, I have gone out of my way to help people. I heard that clicking of a dead battery trying to start a car in a parking lot, and moseyed over to find a woman with 5 kids in the car and pulled around to give her a jump. It was well below freezing. While generally a helpful person, I don't really track down places I can help. I felt compelled to. After seeing who I was helping I felt especially good. That began a trend... helping old ladies with their groceries... interfering in a bullying... so... there is something to that. While, again, I am generally a helpful person, leftover boy scout in me, I find myself LOOKING for a place to help now. My only limitation is really my schedule. I only have two days for going out into the world that I am sure of right now. I do not ask her schedule anymore, so IF she comes home, it is pretty random.

This place has been a Godsend.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Quixotic said:


> Oh yeah... of course.
> 
> I just signed it all over to her...
> 
> ...


My question is did you have taxable income during this time? If she didn't file, or didn't include your income, you have a tax problem. ( I teach and practice tax law so I ain't making this up as I go along)


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

So my advice?

Tuck in your tail, apologize to her, and have the same conversation. Express remorse, and let her know that everything you are doing is for her, but most importantly, your little girl.

Is it true? 50% of it ain't. The "all about her" part.

But she doesn't need to know that. You just want to use her personality and control it to make things easier for you.

She's right. She's always right.

Deep down....well...you can think of her as you please.


Btw. Yes...I'm an azzhole. Well, it may seem like it. I guess infidelity and divorce made me a student of psychology. My divorce was amicable...not perfect....but the best I knew was going to happen.

You can be genuine with your new lady once you get past this battle.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Wow, this just keeps getting worse. Hidden money, secret accounts, tax issues and marital problems, you need to start digging intensively.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I hope Q doesn't get a call from a guy with a Sicilian accent telling him it wouldn't be healthy to get curious about the flow of large sums of money through the business he thought was defunct.


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