# How do you deal with milestones/anniversaries during infidelity recovery?



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Today is my 12th wedding anniversary. We are going out to dinner tonight. He is all excited and anxious to go. He's made big plans and wants to dress up, the whole nine yards. I'm feeling a bit melancholy thinking about it and what we have been through over the last several months and basically how he wanted to trade all that in for a woman he never even laid eyes on. It's so hard to believe when he says he loves me etc....when 6 months ago he was infatuated with another. 

I'm sad that because he tested the boundaries of our marriage that I'm not trusting of him. He had a online only EA but four years prior I found his profile on a adult site.  We got into counseling then (only went for 4-5 sessions) and we have been in counseling over this latest episode for 6 months and we go weekly. 

Some days it feels like everything is great and then some days I sink into a real sadness and I feel unsure about our future. Infidelity is heartbreaking. 

I hate how a kernel of sadness bores into our brains and we can't forget the pain, shock, sadness and fears of our D-days and how everything changed from that point on. 

How are you coping with all those birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations and events which require you to push away haunting feelings and just live in the moment?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You seem to be stuck on how to recover your marriiage an make it better post affair then pre affair. So I suggest the you get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Now on to special dates. Celebrate them and make more got married memories. Helps to make the dark memories fade with time.

Now the problem can be when a WS banged the OP on a day of importance such as a birthday, holiday, aniversary.

There the BS finds themselves with the WS wanting to go out for a special time on August 26. Thats the date that they had their dday on. Or May 1 was the first time the EA went PA.

No matter what the date that date needs to be reclaimed with new happy memories.

Remember the OP lost the WS back to the BS. The WS chose the BS in the end.

So be happy to be together and just make new memories on those days. Don't let the OP back into your life.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

theroad said:


> You seem to be stuck on how to recover your marriiage an make it better post affair then pre affair. So I suggest the you get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
> 
> Now on to special dates. Celebrate them and make more got married memories. Helps to make the dark memories fade with time.
> 
> ...


A quote from a review of "Surviving The Affair" by Dr Harley:

"_I learned what love is all about, why affairs occur,and understood that I was as much to blame for the affair as my spouse_"

Oh dear. I shan't be buying this book. As far as I can tell, my wife decided to have an affair. We were both in the same marriage. I have had several very real opportunities for both casual sex and EAs and PAs, but turned every one of them down - because I am married.

My advice: avoid this book.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I concur!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

OP --- the easiest way for me to get through those first sets of holidays and Ddays, was to go out together and do something new to both of us. The laughter between us would tend to take over, and the day would come and go. Hiking, zip lining, horseback riding, rafting, kayaking, etc, etc.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Personally i would respectfully lrt him know ,its ro eyerly ro celebrare.
And that i would at least keep it low key.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I do have that book, only half way through. Just makes me sad that infidelity taints everything for a while, till you are through the worst of it.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I went through this also... 

It wasn't a PA, but on phone records he had talked to his EA partner on our anniversary... kinda kills that special personal aspect of it...


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If that book review was accurate, toss that book. We are responsible for helping create the conditions, but the cheater makes the choice alone. As for your question, a lot of events felt like some kind of bad joke, or a sham, given the situation. They can be hard to get through, very hard. But if you can get into the spirit, they can be fun and enjoyable, and can really help build on the positive. I guess for me, when it works, I've made a conscious choice to stop dwelling on negative thoughts and give myself over to the present moment.


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