# Husband going thru mix of depression and mid life crisis and divorcing



## livinnitemare (Jul 21, 2011)

So, I have been living a nightmare for almost 3 months. The man who I thought was my best friend, soul mate, life partner for 11 years has turned into Mr. Jekyl... a complete stranger. Went from a man who said "I love you" everyday and was affectionate, good husband, family man and loved our life. To someone who is now a selfish centered person. He now says he looked at his life and didn't like where it was, doesn't feel that he has accomplished anything, says he doesnt' want to be tied down to responsibilities and wants to live for him and live adventurously. I did everything for him, including raising his oldest from a previous marriage, helped him get better jobs and have a better life, took care of him since he has suffered from depression for the last few years, took care of the house, finances, kids, EVERYTHING!! I saw it as trying to make it less stressful for him since I know stress can trigger depression. After discovering some texts to another woman who he claims nothing happened. I kicked him out, and later told him I was willing to forgive him and to come home. He has refused to come home and told me he doesn't want to be married anymore. That he never wanted to marry, or buy a house, basically feels as if our entire life together was all a lie ... that's what it feels like to me. We have a little one. And it's been really hard on her. I tried and tried almost begged him to re-consider and come home. But he started to pull some crazy stuff, got new cell, got an apt. , pulled $$$ out of our accts, moved his check to his OWN acct., won't help me with any of the bills, literally walked away from his life and responsabilities. Won't reply to any of our friends reaching out to him, I had no choice but to file for divorce. He has now cut all communication... wondering if anyone has gone thru this. I'm no medical expert but I feel that it's a mix of his mental state from his depression maybe it went deeper, mid life crisis or something. He does take meds and has for years. People don't do a 360 one day to the next. Not sure if people who go thru this ever realize the damage and the HUGE mistake that they have done. When and if he does, it will be too late.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He is having an affair and is too chicken to deal with the truth and the fallout so he ran away. Get a lawyer immediately. You need financial support for you and the kids. Don't let him play this game while you suffer. Deal with the practical aspects and worry about why later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livinnitemare (Jul 21, 2011)

That's what I thought too. He says he's so mentally drained and has alot of issues and is going to therapy. And that he just wants to be ALONE. And is seeing no one. I did hire a lawyer. I may never know the WHY but I'm to the point where I need to look out for me and my lil one and make sure I don't get more screwed than I already have been. No one recognizes this person who he has become... everyone is shocked and flabbergasted at his actions. I am now seeing that in the long run, he would have lost alot more than me. I still love him and obviously didn't want the divorce. I may have filed first, but that's only because I had to to protect me and my lil one. Sad to see grown men act like immature children.


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

<<<<Hugs to you>>>> stay strong.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

He Well, sounds a bit familar to my situation, however my husband did admit to having an emotional affair. My past 3 months has been hard also. Sounds like he is giving up and doesn't even want to give you a chance , that's hard. You can not force him to stay, if he only stayed for you then he will become resentful toward you and it will make matters worse. He will regret what he has done he is just in a fog right now. Sorry, its tough I feel your pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's the typical wayward having an affair. This is how they act. They want out and re-write the entire marital history. Good for you for filing. If he wants out...let him go. Stay strong and surround yourself with a good support system.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Njadh01 (Aug 9, 2011)

As you will hear many posters advise, there's nothing you can do and no blame you need accept. My wife is in her 2nd year of an MLC and has blown everything up complete with an ongoing affair with a married man. Do a 180 turn into the sun. Hold your head high with dignity. Detach, accept, protect, and move on. Trust me...you'll be fine. It usually turns out best for the person left behind because they don't have to carry the tremendous guilt. And whether it's forced on you or not, what you will go through is actually very healthy because unlike your spouse, you will be approaching re-evaluation of your life and making appropriate changes. Many future hugs and happiness to you!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So sorry you are going through this. I have no words.


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## learningstength (Aug 11, 2011)

I absolutely know what you are going through. it is almost impossibly difficult and heartbreaking. There are some things that you must absolutely do for yourself immediately, regardless of if there is a resolve to your problem or not.

You must know your financial position within the relationship.
If your partner has control of the finances you must learn what and where your position is and as much about your finances as you possibly can.
You must stop any further reduction in your 'family' finances - freeze bank accounts etc if necessary.
If this is what you have had to to do tell you partner immediately that you have had to do this to ensure your & your child's financial security.

That said, doing this it is/and must not be about trying to get or fight about finances it is purely to be informed/secure about your financial position - you need this for yourself and your child. You need to ensure your security - this is very very important to support yourselves. Your partner has a responsibility to support your child - together.

You need to separate yourself from your extreme hurt and ensure that your and your child's life can continue in some normality in the short to medium term. 

Your partner's - in your terms - 360 degree change is most likely a long time coming for them - even if it s a surprise to yourself, family and friends.

Make sure your have one or two very good friends that you can talk to and depend upon. Do not use his family members for this - it should be your own good friends. Do not tell the whole world about your position/his betrayal, if your partner is having a mini/major breakdown you may want to be able to work on things in the near future. You will not want everyone you know knowing the ins and outs of your personal relationship.

there may not be 'another woman' involved - it is more than likely your partners fantasy life/ wants/ desires coming to the forefront, if there is another woman - they could be leaving you through their own overwhelming guilt - that will come out in your near future. The pain is same/similar regardless.

You can not help them through this they need to see someone professional to discuss this. Their idea that the grass is so much greener on the othersider is their fantasy not yours... do not counsel them or sympathise with them. You need to draw upon your inner strength even though it feels as if it has been slashed to nothing. Do not make excuses for them.

Relationships breakdown on both sides - you need to learn where and how it has happened. Look at yourself and your relationship honestly. Do not take him back as soon as he admits that he have made a mistake. You need to learn where you also may have made mistakes or your relationship has not fulfilled you.

You say that you have done everything for them and more than likely done most of everything for your family for some time. Don't stop keep caring for yourself and your child. be kind to yourself, try so very hard to ignore and not react to your partner's bad behaviour. Don't buy into it. It is their problem, their confusions. Their unexplainable wants and desires. You stay strong. You be yourself. You stay strong for you and you child.

It is better that they see you strong and in command of your life than you sorrowful and weak. 

I empathise with you. It is a terrible and long path ahead of you regardless of reconciling or separation. be good to you and your child first. Let your partner stand back by himself and look at his behaviours to work out what it is that he has lost or is losing.

I wish you the very best wishes for you to find the very best resolve to this most terrible situation.


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## Incog (Sep 9, 2011)

Oh my goodness! Your husband sounds like mine, although I've just started going through this...and we don't have children together.

Have YOU seen a therapist? I went before my husband even agreed to go (thankfully he has started seeing one) and quickly realized that HE is the one who has changed dramatically, not me.

It is difficult to be in your shoes, and so hurtful to hear our husbands "rewrite" our marital history...as if that past years of our lives didn't exist...or were just "mistakes" they made.

I feel your pain and I hope you protect your heart and your finances NOW. In time, with counseling, it is possible that your husband could heal, but you can't risk exposing your child to that.

Tons of hugs coming your way.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. Hugs x


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## snowwhite73 (Sep 22, 2011)

livinnitemare said:


> So, I have been living a nightmare for almost 3 months. The man who I thought was my best friend, soul mate, life partner for 11 years has turned into Mr. Jekyl... a complete stranger. Went from a man who said "I love you" everyday and was affectionate, good husband, family man and loved our life. To someone who is now a selfish centered person. He now says he looked at his life and didn't like where it was, doesn't feel that he has accomplished anything, says he doesnt' want to be tied down to responsibilities and wants to live for him and live adventurously. I did everything for him, including raising his oldest from a previous marriage, helped him get better jobs and have a better life, took care of him since he has suffered from depression for the last few years, took care of the house, finances, kids, EVERYTHING!! I saw it as trying to make it less stressful for him since I know stress can trigger depression. After discovering some texts to another woman who he claims nothing happened. I kicked him out, and later told him I was willing to forgive him and to come home. He has refused to come home and told me he doesn't want to be married anymore. That he never wanted to marry, or buy a house, basically feels as if our entire life together was all a lie ... that's what it feels like to me. We have a little one. And it's been really hard on her. I tried and tried almost begged him to re-consider and come home. But he started to pull some crazy stuff, got new cell, got an apt. , pulled $$$ out of our accts, moved his check to his OWN acct., won't help me with any of the bills, literally walked away from his life and responsabilities. Won't reply to any of our friends reaching out to him, I had no choice but to file for divorce. He has now cut all communication... wondering if anyone has gone thru this. I'm no medical expert but I feel that it's a mix of his mental state from his depression maybe it went deeper, mid life crisis or something. He does take meds and has for years. People don't do a 360 one day to the next. Not sure if people who go thru this ever realize the damage and the HUGE mistake that they have done. When and if he does, it will be too late.


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## snowwhite73 (Sep 22, 2011)

i am so sorry that you are going through this. i am in a very similar situation with my husbant. he left in february after a big argument and has not returned. i just dont understand this as up until that day he has been the most supportive loving caring husband in the world. he would tell me every day that he loved me and how i am his soulmate and he couldnt live without me and its like he has done a 360 and is like jekyl and hyde at the moment. he didnt talke to me for 2 months then contacted me again and we were having good communication and we were sorting things out and going to get our marriate back on track..one day he came and he was having a moodswing as he is in crises as he is suffering from depression and anxiety and MLC (so many things have been very stressfull for him in the last year) i told him if he was happy where he was he was to stay there i abviously didnt mean it but he took it to heart and hasnt spoken to me for 3 months. he has said he is not coming back. he has given up his marriage his job and career that he has worked very had for and is living with nothing. i just don't understand why someone would want to do this to themselves. i love him so much and really want to work this out.


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## Disneyme (Jan 7, 2013)

I had the same exact thing happen. He left a year and a half ago. I filed for divorce after he stopped wanting to give me money to pay everything he left me with. He went and rented a new place and bought all new furniture. He is now $45,000 in debt and owes his lawyer. Still not divorced because he will not give up anything. He lies all the time, has no brain left, no memory from one day to the next. He lives at the bar every night making more debt. I have 3 kids. All suffer in their own way. I am looking to see if there is any hope. Do they ever snap out of it, can I ever forgive what he has done? Can I do anything to hell him?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

livinnitemare said:


> nightmare for almost 3 months
> ......
> life partner for 11 years
> .....
> To someone who is now a selfish centered person. He now says he looked at his life and didn't like where it was, *doesn't feel that he has accomplished anything*, says he doesnt' want to be tied down to responsibilities and wants to live for him and live adventurously.


The bolded stands out to me.
Before hardcore drugs for treatment-resistant depression, my depressed way of looking at the world was usually on a grand scale. I only enjoyed the feeling of finishing a task or reaching a goal, such as solving problems. I was always really good at math for that reason. Things like small talk with people seemed like a waste of time because they didn't have an end goal. That's a very sad way of looking at the world because much of what we do as humans has no clear end goal. Chit chat has no goal; you're supposed to do it because you want to chit chat. Now that I'm hardcore drugged and I actually enjoy small chat, I finally understand this. Your husband is going the other direction. He was a normal happy guy, enjoying life and all of its randomness, but now he's depressed.

At least you have some idea why. You even said in the title that this was a mid life crisis. There's a very well established link between depression and low testosterone. Even small drops of testosterone in men can cause pretty severe depression. This is probably the one post where I won't tell someone to start taking drugs. All he needs is some testosterone and he'll be ok. He can see a doctor for hormone replacement therapy. That's the easy way out, so I'll recommend that one. The hard way out is to start strength training. Forget cardio and general health; exercising to get huge muscles will give him that extra testosterone he needs.


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