# Want to take a vacation without my STBXW



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Back in January I told my wife I wanted a divorce and we have started in that direction. We still live together in the same house but sleep in different rooms. We take opposite weekends away to help transition a little into full time parenting once she moves out and we start a visitation schedule. Both our families know about the divorce and no one has really done anything to alienate her so far. Her biggest worry is that they would completely disown her. This summer my mothers side of the family is renting a house by the beach and wants to have some vacation time with the family. They want me to bring the kids. But they want me to do this without my STBXW. I don't know at this point if she will be moved out of the house by then or not. We have to wait for her to get a full time job before she can afford to live on her own. She doesn't know about the trip yet. So far we've talked about being together on holidays like christmas so the kids wouldn't have to go to two different places but I'm not even sure that's going to work out. So, my question is, how do I tell her they don't want her there? They've said it would make them feel a little awkward since we are going through a divorce. No body has said they don't really like her. Over the years they have all shared laughs with her but they really don't like the way she dumps everything on me and that's what they don't want happening on this vacation. Any advice on how to break it to her?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I would have to start with the truth


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell her straight. She helped bring about the demise of the marriage. Now is the time for her to face the consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just say that you plan to take the kids on a vacation at such & such a time, and ask her if she has any plans about her own vacation with the kids. 

If she asks why she can't go, too, I would stick to the point that some separation like this is best for the kids.

I will say one thing, however. As a parent and beach goer, the idea of my kids at the beach with only my ex and his family is horrifying to me--they are so careless. If the thought distresses her, be sure to use only beaches with lifeguards. It is really too cruel to expose kids to danger (as a former lifeguard, I know the dangers) and not let her be there to help protect them. My ex saw a kid being towed out by a rip tide once, and for the first time in what was then an 11+ year marriage, he understood how I felt--it was just awful to see. Fortunately, this was a guarded beach--but all he could say was, what if it hadn't been? Two dads had gone into the water, thinking it was their kids--neither got near the kid; their efforts were useless.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

In_The_Wind said:


> I would have to start with the truth


I figured someone would post this statement.....didn't think it would be the first response. lol

I guess my biggest problem is that if I tell her now while we are still living together then I get to hear about it every day until it happens or she moves out whichever comes first. She converses with my mother still via email and facebook regularly so I'm sure this is going to feel like a slap in the face so to speak and the first big thing I'm doing on my own without her since january. I'm just wondering more about how to deal with the fallout than actually breaking the news.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Divorce is hard yall both contributed 50% to the demise of your marriage this is just one of the many consequences. It might get her to move out quicker Have you filed yet ??


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Just say that you plan to take the kids on a vacation at such & such a time, and ask her if she has any plans about her own vacation with the kids.
> 
> If she asks why she can't go, too, I would stick to the point that some separation like this is best for the kids.
> 
> I will say one thing, however. As a parent and beach goer, the idea of my kids at the beach with only my ex and his family is horrifying to me--they are so careless. If the thought distresses her, be sure to use only beaches with lifeguards. It is really too cruel to expose kids to danger (as a former lifeguard, I know the dangers) and not let her be there to help protect them. My ex saw a kid being towed out by a rip tide once, and for the first time in what was then an 11+ year marriage, he understood how I felt--it was just awful to see. Fortunately, this was a guarded beach--but all he could say was, what if it hadn't been? Two dads had gone into the water, thinking it was their kids--neither got near the kid; their efforts were useless.


Funny you mention that because it's exactly how she feels about my side of the family. makes it worse that all three of our kids have had to be pulled out of a pool from going under the one second you turn your back to grab suntan lotion or something. And she honestly said at one point it was a stipulation for her that if we divorced she would want it in the papers that they have to be monitored directly by me in the water with them at all times. We are by no means careless people but accidents happen. I think her sensitivity to accidents in the water is heightened by the fact that she can't swim herself. But, me and my sister are both red cross certified rescue swimmers and my mother is always 2 feet away from her grandkids and makes them stay together so I feel like we have it covered.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

In_The_Wind said:


> Divorce is hard yall both contributed 50% to the demise of your marriage this is just one of the many consequences. It might get her to move out quicker Have you filed yet ??


No we haven't filed yet. She doesn't want to rely on me for anything, like it's a pride issue or something. So she wants to get a full time job which I completely agree with because if I died tomorrow she would immediately go on welfare and the house would foreclose because she doesn't make enough to even support herself. Plus, once she has a full time job I can get the child support figures in the paperwork correctly. I know I have a responsibility (even if we are splitting physical custody 50/50) to keep her in the same lifestyle she's grown into. I just don't want to get locked into such a high child support payment and then a month after its final she gets a full time job and have to go back to court to get it fixed. Plus, until she is out of the house it doesn't make sense to start anything because we're all living together. Nobody is going to pay child support to a spouse when they don't even leave the house.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I just had a thought hit me.....Can you file for divorce and get it finalized if your still living together. Meaning, no visitation schedules, no child support.....You just aren't married anymore. Then when she does get a job and moves out we go back to court and settle on visitation and support?

And to rebut my own question....once the divorce is final, isn't there some time limit before we become commonlaw married again?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Bro your location says texas in texas 50/50 custody = no child support payments or minimal at the most. Once divorced It is not your responsibility to keep her standard of living anywhere thats her responsibility. Have yall considered MC trying to work this thing out versus divorce remember their are no winners in divorce just various degrees of losing


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're separating/divorcing. The whole point to that is you don't do everything together anymore. If you wanted to do that, you could save everyone a lot of money and grief and stay married. 

Splitting up is painful. My vote is to bite the bullet now, tell her in a tactful way that you'd like to take the kids in a holiday this summer, and give her the opportunity to do the same. You could even help her financially if you'd like. But tell her before it comes out some other way, and definitely before you talk to the kids about it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

IMHO, I think you are making a mistake by continuing to have holidays and special occasions with her. You are getting divorced. Divorced people don't vacation and spend holidays together. You may think you are helping the kids by doing this, but really, I think it could confuse them...or get their hopes up of possible reconciliation between the two of you. Your family have the right idea; STBX should be excluded from future family events and vacations(with the exception of your kids future graduations/weddings and such).

And what happens if/when you meet someone else in the future? Won't she wonder why your ex-wife is always toting along? I dated a guy who hadn't make a clean break, and it was a nightmare. For parties and special occasions, he constantly had to call ahead first and make sure ex-wife wasn't there; if she was, then we couldn't go. It was pretty effed up.

Then, when I met my husband, he told me that he would stay at his ex's to facilitate visiting with his kids, who lived on the opposite coast. I made it perfectly clear that if we were to become permanent, there was NO way I'd put up with anything of the sort.

I don't understand people who stay all coochie-coo with their exes...civil yes. Vacationing together, no.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would at least consult an attorney about what you can and can't/should and shouldn't do when it comes to finances.

And ixnay on the vacay. Splitting up is just that. Tell her the truth and be done with it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You're a special kind of guy to go along with an 'in home' seperation BTW.

No way I'd do it or even want to. Divorce is hard enough... but to see you all the time while going through it??? OMG.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

A few responses there so I'll try to sum up:

1) We talked about sharing holidays at first but i think our last conversation was about separate ones. She just has a habit of mixing up our conversations to suit her defensive attitude.

2) There were several legal sites written by lawyers I came across on google that said you still have a responsibility for their lifestyle. If I make 100,000 a year and she makes 20,000 how can she manage to support herself and the kids if she has them half the time. I hear that 50/50 custody = no support a lot but I don't think that's the law.

3) We tried counseling several times over the years. I've tried leaving just over night to try and snap her out of the "complacency fog" and she always went back to her old ways. Basically we went to divorce counseling.

4) yeah, some people tell me I'm stupid for not eithe leaving myself or kicking her out but I'm keeping it amicable. We don't hate each other. She's bitter towards me obviously and some days are more difficult than others but we handle everything logically and calmly and honestly it's been better around the house between us lately than it was for years. It's like the stress of keeping the marriage up is gone so we're just roommates raising kids. Plus, I feel like it's the honorable thing to do when someone gave you thirteen years and three kids to make sure they are taken care of. If she was the one filing and wanting me to leave I'm sure I'd feel different.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> Bro your location says texas in texas 50/50 custody = no child support payments or minimal at the most. Once divorced It is not your responsibility to keep her standard of living anywhere thats her responsibility. Have yall considered MC trying to work this thing out versus divorce remember their are no winners in divorce just various degrees of losing


This isn't true. In Texas, it doesn't matter if she's working or not working, or what the custody arrangement is. Child Support is set as a percentage of the non-custodial parent's income, based on the number of children he/she is supporting. OP - PM me and I can give you real percentages. I've worked as a legal assistant for a family attorney for 10 years in Texas.

And there is ALWAYS a custodial and non-custodial parent, even under the Standard Possession Order in Texas (which provides the basic 50/50 custody).


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> A few responses there so I'll try to sum up:
> 
> 1) We talked about sharing holidays at first but i think our last conversation was about separate ones. She just has a habit of mixing up our conversations to suit her defensive attitude.
> 
> 2) There were several legal sites written by lawyers I came across on google that said you still have a responsibility for their lifestyle. If I make 100,000 a year and she makes 20,000 how can she manage to support herself and the kids if she has them half the time. I hear that 50/50 custody = no support a lot but I don't think that's the law.


Googling legal info won't give you the real story on YOUR situation. And you aren't responsible to help her keep a lifestyle. Being that you've been married for more than 10 years, she may request spousal support though, especially if your incomes are that disparate. With 3 kids, you would be ordered to pay 30% of your monthly net income [gross less taxes and health insurance], up to a maximum of $1,800 per month of support. I may be able to provide you with the name(s) of lawyer(s) in your area that you can consult. Know your rights under the law - don't google and make assumptions.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> A few responses there so I'll try to sum up:
> 
> 1) We talked about sharing holidays at first but i think our last conversation was about separate ones. She just has a habit of mixing up our conversations to suit her defensive attitude.
> 
> ...


Well, no one says you have to hate one another, but you sound a little bit on the fence about this...don't do the roommate routine just because it's easier.

Also, filing for D might just make her move her ass a little faster getting that job.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Lovebug501 said:


> This isn't true. In Texas, it doesn't matter if she's working or not working, or what the custody arrangement is. Child Support is set as a percentage of the non-custodial parent's income, based on the number of children he/she is supporting. OP - PM me and I can give you real percentages. I've worked as a legal assistant for a family attorney for 10 years in Texas.
> 
> And there is ALWAYS a custodial and non-custodial parent, even under the Standard Possession Order in Texas (which provides the basic 50/50 custody).


If they are sharing custody under under a 50/50 split meaning he has the kids 50 percent of the time and she has the kids 50 percent of the time ?? I was under the impression that cs payments would be minimal I have several friends with this type of arrangement that arent paying cs. And the max at most for 2 kids Texas has established a formula to calculate what amount a non-custodial parent should pay for child support. If a non-custodial parent’s net monthly income is less than $6,000, Texas law has established the following guidelines for child support payments. The amount withheld is based on the net income each month.



• 20 % for one child

• 25 % for two children

• 30 % for three children

• 35 % for four children

• 40 % for five children

• Not less than 40 % for six children 

Special rules apply in cases of split or joint placement or multiple children in different households. If a court believes the NCP is not earning within expectations, the child support amount may be based on earning potential. This is the income that you could potentially earn.

Child support calculator: http://foxlawtexas.com/family_law/child-support-calculator.php
http://www.lanwt.org/txaccess/change_childsupport.asp


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, no one says you have to hate one another, but you sound a little bit on the fence about this...*don't do the roommate routine just because it's easier*.
> 
> Also,* filing for D might just make her move her ass a little faster getting that job*.


:iagree: on both counts.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

In_The_Wind said:


> If they are sharing custody under under a 50/50 split meaning he has the kids 50 percent of the time and she has the kids 50 percent of the time ?? I was under the impression that cs payments would be minimal I have several friends with this type of arrangement that arent paying cs


I sent a PM to lovebug about it. The lawyers website I read just said that even though your equally obligated to care for the children with that arrangement doesn't mean you actually can if there's too much of a discrepancy in your incomes. If I make six times her income and the kids need something expensive like $1000 bucks for dental work or something how is she supposed to split that and still be able to buy groceries? Again, I'm just quoting what I read. I understand if you split custody down the middle and both earn close to the same salaries it might be different.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, no one says you have to hate one another, but you sound a little bit on the fence about this...don't do the roommate routine just because it's easier.
> 
> Also, filing for D might just make her move her ass a little faster getting that job.


Nothing is going to stop the divorce from happening I just happen to have a lot of patience in letting it wait til summer when the kids are all out of school. The kids don't all go to the same school (in fact they're an hour apart because the older two commute with me) so any visitation schedule right now would mean you could never get anyone to school or work on time because of the commute. So we wait for summer when they're all out and next fall they go to school in the same city which is where we will both be living and working once I sell the house.

She has been looking but again, if she did go full time right now and had to do the commute the same as me for a while we have the same situation with the kids going to school so far apart. I wanted to wait til summer to break it to her but it just didn't work out that way.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> If they are sharing custody under under a 50/50 split meaning he has the kids 50 percent of the time and she has the kids 50 percent of the time ?? I was under the impression that cs payments would be minimal I have several friends with this type of arrangement that arent paying cs.


If the incomes are very close together, there is a true 50/50 split (like a week and a week) and they have agreed upon no child support, it's possible. I've seen it happen. But it's the exception, not the rule. If the custodial parent requests child support, they will get it.

It's a percentage of your take home pay, plus 50% of uninsured medical expenses. Sometimes instead of child support, the non-custodial parent will pay for daycare expenses or tuition to private school.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> If they are sharing custody under under a 50/50 split meaning he has the kids 50 percent of the time and she has the kids 50 percent of the time ?? I was under the impression that cs payments would be minimal I have several friends with this type of arrangement that arent paying cs


I had this type of arrangement in my divorce. We only filed a joint parenting agreement, and in the divorce decree defined we were sharing 50/50 and what I agreed was an adequate amount to pay, which was significantly less than the state requirement.

Well things changed. About 8 years we went on like this, even though our 50/50 agreement went defunct around year 2. I had the child full time, him MAYBE on once or twice a month for a weekend. He was paying cs during that time, but it was self pay (his company withdrew the amt from his paycheck and sent me a payroll check), which means the state has no record of him ever paying. 

He filed a motion against me for full custody (yr 8) out of the blue and I countered and won. THIS time though, the judge had him fill out the income disclosure and the court reconfigured his payments which now come directly through the state distribution unit. It was determined he had been shorting me those 8 years. AND he's had to pay me retroactive for not paying for about 2 years after that (he quit his job and moved to another state without notice). 

I brought him back with another motion after he told me 'do what you have to do' to collect.

He's still paying. The child is almost 19. 

PLEASE OP, don't go off google for your legal info. Or what your neighbor says, or your co-worker... go talk to an attorney.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Most men are scared that the courts will take all their money for child support and this just isnt true. when i was going thru a divorce what would frustrate me the most was I was paying support maintenance and child support and she would use the money for paying her lawyer so in essence i was fighting myself with my own money then she would play the I am broke card and i am like look i am paying you 5k a month plus your working and we only have 1 child you have enough of my money so i took her to court and won custody of my daughter cost me like 45k but was worth it I feel like well that was 15 yrs ago.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> look i am paying you 5k a month plus your working and we only have 1 child



 Holy Crap!


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

In_The_Wind said:


> Most men are scared that the courts will take all their money for child support and this just isnt true. when i was going thru a divorce what would frustrate me the most was I was paying support maintenance and child support and she would use the money for paying her lawyer so in essence i was fighting myself with my own money then she would play the I am broke card and i am like look i am paying you 5k a month plus your working and we only have 1 child you have enough of my money so i took her to court and won custody of my daughter cost me like 45k but was worth it I feel like well that was 15 yrs ago.


To me that sounds like one of the horror stories when your spouse wants to fight. My spouse doesn't. She just wants to get it over with. She's taking a car, I'm taking a car. She was the one to offer 50/50 when I was getting ready for the "standard visitation" conversation that I know neither of us would agree to. So a one week split is what we've agreed to. Mind you of course this has all been verbal but it's been 3 months and she hasn't changed her mind yet. Neither of us are vindictive or selfish people we just know we don't work together as husband and wife although we both respect each other as parents. She has repeated several times that she only wants whatever child support the judge says she is owed and doesn't want anything else "hanging over my head".


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Also, the house is being sold basically at the cost of the mortgage so although there is technically equity built into it there won't be a penny left over from the sale. House is worth $85K, selling for $65K which is what we owe. How can anyone expect me to give her half of the difference in equity when I'll never even get my half out of it when it's sold?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> To me that sounds like one of the horror stories when your spouse wants to fight. My spouse doesn't. She just wants to get it over with. She's taking a car, I'm taking a car. She was the one to offer 50/50 when I was getting ready for the "standard visitation" conversation that I know neither of us would agree to. So a one week split is what we've agreed to. Mind you of course this has all been verbal but it's been 3 months and she hasn't changed her mind yet. Neither of us are vindictive or selfish people we just know we don't work together as husband and wife although we both respect each other as parents. She has repeated several times that she only wants whatever child support the judge says she is owed and doesn't want anything else "hanging over my head".


Yes it was she ran off with one of my friends or so i thought was a friend, i kinda missed him lol anyway we are cordigal today I have moved on and she well who knows she does still call and fish from time to time I eventually married my current spouse and as of june of this year we will celebrate 13 yrs of marriage. The daughter is now 21 and in college her mother my ex doesnt contribute anything and never has for her daughter


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

In_The_Wind said:


> Yes it was she ran off with one of my friends or so i thought was a friend, i kinda missed him lol anyway we are cordigal today I have moved on and she well who knows she does still call and fish from time to time I eventually married my current spouse and as of june of this year we will celebrate 13 yrs of marriage. The daughter is now 21 and in college her mother my ex doesnt contribute anything and never has for her daughter


That sounds like a rough ride. I appear to be at the beginning of the journey and your at the end of it. I can't imagine my stbxw deciding she doesn't need to support the kids somehow and that it should all be me. It's hard to describe but it's really just a parting of the ways. She's bitter and says she will be distrustful of her next partner but doesn't want to exclude me from the kids lives at all. I'll just have to take it as it goes though. My family always saw her in a different light than I did of course because your blind to certain things as a spouse but they all think she will start off happy with the custody arrangement but as time goes on will start asking me to take care of them more often. If that happens then I'll just have to keep track of it and approach it legally with a custody change motion.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Also, the house is being sold basically at the cost of the mortgage so although there is technically equity built into it there won't be a penny left over from the sale. House is worth $85K, selling for $65K which is what we owe. How can anyone expect me to give her half of the difference in equity when I'll never even get my half out of it when it's sold?


as others have mentioned i would check with an atty. But it seems like you will be breaking even or a little loss their isnt anything to split


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> Most men are scared that the courts will take all their money for child support and this just isnt true. when i was going thru a divorce what would frustrate me the most was I was paying support maintenance and child support and she would use the money for paying her lawyer so in essence i was fighting myself with my own money then *she would play the I am broke card *and i am like look i am paying you 5k a month plus your working and we only have 1 child you have enough of my money so i took her to court and won custody of my daughter cost me like 45k but was worth it I feel like well that was 15 yrs ago.


Women like that are what give us all a bad name. I can't wait til my H's kids are of age, and we can set the CS agreement on fire, because his ex is just the same; always asking for MORE.


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