# how to talk about this?



## wants to trust (Dec 30, 2011)

My husband just got a new job with demanding and unpredictable hours, and he now often uses Facebook and emails to keep in touch with his friends. He always was a very funny person who always could make those quirky observations that make everyone laugh at the dinner table, and can write very well, so making this transition to more of an "armchair" social life has been ok for him, even though he says its still not the same as it used to be when he could get out and see people.

He usually just leaves his computer on and I also use it whenever convienient. There have never been any trust issues between us. Last time I used his computer, I noticed the picture of a very attractive woman on his Facebook messages. Alarm bells started to go off and I started to read through his messages (which I still feel bad about, I should have asked him). I dont know who this woman is.

It was all innocent and when she wrote him, he would write back just the same as if she was one of the guys. She wasnt saying anything really suggestive or flirty. But just over the past month she was writing him a lot more often than before. I notice that he doesnt always respond but as soon as he does, she sends a reply with a few seconds, as if shes just waiting for him. 

I dont think my husband has done anything wrong right now. There is nothing flirty in his replies to her, he is just always being his funny self. He is not out of the house at weird times and our sex life is great. Sometimes he has to travel but he calls me every night and the places he has to travel to would not be any places where you could really have an affair (oil rigs and gas plants). I feel so bad because the only reason I do not trust him is because deep down I am convinced that when an attractive woman (she is much prettier than me) wants a particular man, and gets enough chances to get close to him, he will sooner or later lose his head. I have never talked about this with him but now I think we should have discussed this before.

I am afraid that if I tell him that I dont trust him, he will always resent it and it will eat at our marriage. What can I do?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

wants to trust said:


> .....
> 
> I am afraid that if I tell him that I dont trust him, he will always resent it and it will eat at our marriage. What can I do?


Well, it ALREADY IS eating away at your marriage. Why don't you have a simple non-accusatory conversation.

"Sweetie, I noticed this very attractive woman on you FB the other day. Who is she?

He answers.....

You say. " you know I love you very much; but for some reason this"friendship" is bothering me. It may seem silly to you but for some reason I am threatened by it. Out of respect for me, would you please drop this relationship?


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Maybe she is in a bad marriage and looks to him for comfort?? Although I could be wrong at this too. What would easy you mind on this? Should you ask him to clearly state to her that he is happly married to you and is not looking to be involved with someone? Would it make you feel better for him to drop her? I think the best think is to come out in the open with your feelings and tell him.

Something like when I see that pretty girl on FB it makes me feel unloved that you are talking more to her than me? Or something else of your choosing. Just don't blame make sure he knows how you feel about it. This way you could with a humble heart not an accusing one.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

wants to trust said:


> My husband just got a new job with demanding and unpredictable hours, and he now often uses Facebook and emails to keep in touch with his friends. He always was a very funny person who always could make those quirky observations that make everyone laugh at the dinner table, and can write very well, so making this transition to more of an "armchair" social life has been ok for him, even though he says its still not the same as it used to be when he could get out and see people.
> 
> He usually just leaves his computer on and I also use it whenever convienient. There have never been any trust issues between us. Last time I used his computer, I noticed the picture of a very attractive woman on his Facebook messages. Alarm bells started to go off and I started to read through his messages (which I still feel bad about, I should have asked him). I dont know who this woman is.
> 
> ...


You have an opportunity to warn him about how this could cause problems in the marriage. The same situation developed with my H and a very pretty young woman. I did not know about her. She got closer and closer to him and an A was the result. I know from sad experience that this type of woman can get almost any man she wants and that includes your H. Had I known about her, I would have made very sure that she had no opportunities, and that he knew what the result would be if he strayed. My H listened to her, she told him that he could have us both ; I would never find out and it wouldn't hurt a thing. It has been two years now and I still don't know why I am here some days. I wish I had had the chance to tell my H that I did not trust this woman and to be careful of her. We sat on things that we should have discussed and it has done so much damage that I still don't know it we will make it. Use this knowledge to bring your feelings about this out in the open. It's what you don't discuss with him that can come back to bite you in the a$$.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

She is fishing for him and she doesn't have to be prettier than you. All she has to do is to figure out his weak spot (my wife can't cook, my wife doesn't understand me, my wife doesn't do this/that) and reel him in.
Tell him how you feel about it. Looks like he isn't emotionally involved with her yet. Nip in in the bud.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Here's what I'd do. First I wouldn't feel bad about reading his messages - no secrets in a healthy marriage. I fell victim to an emotional affair that started on Facebook. Especially if he's new to it here's the big danger, it doesn't feel like real life so his normal boundaries may not kick in. That's what happened to me, it felt like a video game, it didn't feel real. As a result my normal boundaries didn't kick in and by the time I figured out what had happened I was in way too deep. So, I'd talk to him about it, discuss the dangers and the need for transparency between you, and how you feel about it. Find my thread, print it out and let him read about what can happen if you don't enforce your boundaries in the virtual world. It sounds like its all innocent on his end, and maybe even on this OW's end currently, but the tone and nature of it can change in just a few messages - literally. It can happen lightening fast and if he's not prepared with the proper boundaries in place he could step right off the cliff before he even knows what just happened to him. I think this is a situation where an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well it does need to be addressed and soon. EA's can rapidly progress as F-102 describes how they can get started



F-102 said:


> but their talks may soon morph into:
> 
> Their lives since they last saw each other
> Their relationships since they last saw each other
> ...




To answer the question you need to have an open and honest discussion about boundaries and what you are both comfortable with. It's a convo all married folk should have.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How about asking who she is, for starters?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> How about asking who she is, for starters?


:iagree:

This is exactly where you start...just ask. And don't be afraid to, you have every right!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This is exactly where you start...just ask. And don't be afraid to, you have every right!


Indeed - she has more than a right - she has an obligation to do so. They both have an obligation to protect their marriage.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with asking him about it, but don't dive down the slippery slope of thinking he's doing (or is about to do) something wrong. By your own account, he's done nothing to cause distrust, so don't be distrustful.
Based on what you've written, I suspect you'd have no problem if he was exchanging identical messages with an overweight and plain looking woman instead of one you deem very attractive. So that's more of an issue for you to deal with than him. Hardly fair to expect your husband to go through life interacting only with people you think are less attractive than you.

So, yeah, ask him about it if the situation is making you uncomfortable. But don't let unfounded paranoia drive a wedge in your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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