# Pretty Sure He is Addicted to Porn :(



## notmarriedyet

Hello . . . 

I've gotten so much help though this board in the past, via the forums and PMs. It is so invaluable to me. 

Still, I struggle with my situation. 

I need to be able to have an open and honest discussion (and resolution) with my fiance about this *before* we are married - and quite frankly, I don't know how to get him to 'open up' I suppose. I have tried really hard to keep the focus on me & make it about my feelings and not shame him or make him feel judged. He just won't budge. 

He says he wants to have a thoughtful response/dialogue with me, and wants to think it through first - because he doesn't want to say the 'wrong thing' and hurt me any deeper. But it's been well over a week since I broke down and bared my soul about it. It was embarrassing for me, and I showed him my true self, insecurities and all. 

I've finally convinced him to turn to the internet for help or advice - but would rather he steer clear of this one! I really don't want him to know about this board, I don't want him reading the things I've wrote. I feel I've already bared enough with nothing in return, and I don't want to give this part of me away as well. I hope that doesn't sound ridiculous.

*He said he'd do some research on it (how to discuss/address it) does anyone know in what direction I could point him? 
*

*Background: *
I discovered he views porn all day, every day. No exaggerating. He looks at it every free moment he gets. It's all 18 year old porn. Always google and yahoo search terms of the same things, over and over. I think that's what bothers me most. 
Aside note: I also found some code (in iTunes Back Up files)that leads me to believe he has actually paid for some sort of cam service via imlive (I think that's the name) and Live Jasmine as well. At the very least, some form of premium content. We can't afford it, really. I'll leave that ball of wax for another thread, as I have not 'confronted' him about that yet. I just discovered that recently.

Needles to say this deeply hurts me. He only cares to view 18-20 year olds, as well as tries to find look-alikes and/or nude pics of a particular actress. I am 34. I have never found myself insecure about my age until this. I don't look 34, I have kept the same figure I had when I was 16. I stay fit and in shape. I've never had self esteem issues. He has told me that this is the kind of porn he's been viewing since he began looking at porn, that's just how he is. I think there's way more to it than that. 

I've always known there was something sexually 'off' since the beginning of our relationship. The honeymoon phase where you wanna do it all day - we didn't have that. Well, I wanted it, he did not. He would have rather masturbated to porn. The first few days he spent at my house I discovered porn on his iPod. One of my kids asked him if they could play a game on it. Not knowing how to open it, my son handed to me, I opened it (thankfully!) and it was open to a young 18 year old xxx site. I acted like I didn't see, I never mentioned it until recently. I remember the night before that I wanted to have a second go-round in bed. . he stopped me because he 'was sore'. But went into the bathroom at my house and masturbated instead. 

But knowing that he hides in the bathroom to ogle young women, comes out hard, and tries to nail me afterward is a huge turn-off. I'm at the point where I don't want him to touch me, not even hold my hand. I've suggested to him I would like him to try to stop for a day at least, and focus as much attention to my body and sexual needs, put forth as much effort into 'learning' my body as he does frantically searching for new porn.

He does not achieve a full erection when we have foreplay, or during intercourse most of the time. I am given very specific instructions to kiss him (his major turn on), the TV cannot be turned on to anything remotely distracting. 

We work different schedules, and I know he really lets loose in the morning when I am at work and he has a weekday off. There have been a couple of times when I needed to get a hold of him for something and he gets extremely agitated when interrupted. 
Therefore, I'm afraid to call, even if I need something urgent to be done. 

He is 24. 

Sorry if it is TMI or in the wrong forum. Aside from this, he meets every need I have. I've never had such a perfect mate aside from this issue. But if I can't stand the thought of his touch, or feel comfortable with him touching me or seeing me naked, I cannot and will not marry him. It's not fair to either of us. It worried me that he knows how very deeply I am hurt, yet is unwilling to stop. Or at the very least slow down. If I were deeply hurt in any other manner, he'd move heaven and Earth to fix it. That's why this is so difficult for me to wrap my head around it. 

I'm a sexual place in my life - NO, I have always been a VERY sexual creature! I feel super sexy, men ogle me constantly, and I am afraid I won't have these 'goods' if you will, for much longer. I don't want to give up being the sexual being I am, and always have been. I like to dress up and initiate, and do daring & wild things. I don't want to waste anymore time repressing my sexual needs and desires. All I want is him. He is my fantasy. 

Any advice is appreciated, sorry for the novel - I'm almost certain I didn't leave anything out of the book I just wrote!


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## Catherine602

You may not like this butttt ....... the way I see it is - you need a man not a boy who needs fixing. You have a son depending on you to bring light and happiness into his life. 

The man-boy you are getting hitched to is not a suitable candidate to bring into your home. His addiction is debilitating to him and will suck the emotional energy from you and your son. This is not fair to the child. I think you know that. 

You are not responsible for fixing your bf. Its his problem tell him when he grows up you may take another look his way. Really, get rid of him. 

Cold right? No. Why are you taking this man on in the first place? Why bring this inadequate half grown man into your home? Think. Men bring things to the table, he going to be like another son, a taker. 

You don't need him and he needs serious long term help that you are not equipped to give. So why are you wrestling with staying or going? 

A 24 yo man with a porn addiction, sexual problems and difficulty with intimate relationships is easy for a mature woman with a child to avoid. Just don't go there. 

Think about it - He is looking for a woman to solve his problems, someone to mother him. He certainly would not be able to maintain a relationship with a 22 - 25 yr old woman, he is too flawed. So he goes for a mature woman so she can teach him about life. 

Only you cant teach him anything. Besides you don't have the wherewithal to do so, you've a child to raise. 

Please do the right thing. Do it now. You know that you are in for real heartache and pain. You also know that your son needs a happy well adjusted mom. 

You are selling yourself short and cheating your son. You are not the sum total of the goods you possess. You are a lot more than that. When you know that and love you, a man who loves you for you not the goods will come into your life. 

You're right, the goods don't last long. You spend the great majority of your life outside of the target hot zone 18 - 25 yrs old for a woman. Is that all you expect to get out of life, love and joy? Less than 10 years? 

No that's not true at all, I don't know where you got that. If you don't validate your worth based on men, you will have a very full and happy life. You won't attract those shallow men who see woman as things. 

You give them power over you that they don't have. Get your own agenda and move towards it. When you know where you are going and what you are worth. then pick a man that fits your criteria. 

You do the picking and measuring of assets. Sounds strange huh? Confident woman do it every single day. Not just young, beautiful or asset-ladened women, any old woman who knows her value.

Work on seeing your value and beauty. Let your son see that so he grows up to be a man who sees women as people and not a collection of goodies. 

Tell bf to go and get fixed. You work on your issues and get out there and pick yourself a grown up man.


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## notmarriedyet

I cannot disagree with much of anything you've said Catherine. Thank you for the thoughtful post! 

He's been a father to both of my children (Both over 10, one girl, one boy). A better father than their absent fathers ever were. He spends quality time with them. They call him dad. 

I understand our 'things' between the two of us will be sensed by them on some level. 

Out of my 34 years I've had maybe three serious relationships, all older men. None have had their sh!t together financially, responsibly, etc, as much as he does. He is a provider. He provides a lot, he supports 75% of our lifestyle. 

We have been actively integrating our lives for the past year since we moved in together. It's not something I can just drop simply and walk away. 

I cannot argue with your post. But picking up and leaving is going to be a very long process. 

I am devastated that I thought I finally found that man you speak of, the measuring of assets. I just wish the severity of this had presented itself sooner. I thought at the beginning he may just have been insecure or nervous with me. He was extremely sexually inexperienced before me, I chalked it up to just that. 

However, I promised myself after my last relationship that I was going to do it the 'right' way next time. This is next time. And I screwed it up yet again. Sigh.


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## PBear

Speaking as a guy... He needs a solid boundary from you. Either he starts working seriously on this, or you're done. No matter how well he meets your other needs and how good of a father to you, this is something that I doubt you can compromise on. By working seriously on it, I'm thinking he needs to find someone who specializes in sexual addictions. Anything less would just be going through the motions to get you to leave him alone.

How long have you known him? How long have you known about his porn habits? And you do acknowledge he's looking at women closer to his age than you are, even if they're younger than him? 

The whole thing just seems off/wrong, and I would guess its going to get worse on its own, rather than better.

C


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## Catherine602

No no you didn't screw up, you were working with what you knew. You also overlooked important clues or misinterpreted what you saw. I realize you can't suddenly up and leave. 

But go into this with your eyes wide open. You know that he has a very serious problem right? You know what you are going to be dealing with if you stay in this relationship? If you don't then read everything you can about porn addiction in men in their early 20's. 

You know that an internet porn addiction this early in a mans life is extremely difficult to beat? He will probably be fighting this for the rest of his life unfortunately.

It is a fairly new phenomena. Men in their 20s who get their sexual satisfaction by masturbating to internet porn. They usually can't have satisfactory sex with a real woman and they have problems with ED. 

When they try to kick the habit, they may have residual ED for as long as 6 months. This while they are trying to break the habit. Sounds awful. 

You say you can't stop going ahead with him because your lives are intertwined. However, what will you say when you have invested 5 years and you are weary of dealing with his addiction and not getting your needs met? 

If you think you cannot move on now, just wait till you you have invested more time. 

Think about it, read about it and decide if you want to nurse him or if you want a real relationship. There is no problem with parting when you find things will not work. That how people meet the right one. 

Be willing to let go as soon as you find out that it will not work and have the faith that you will learn from the experience and pick better next time. 

It is not magic. Its trail error faith and confidence. He may be a good provider but is that enough? Will he be able to keep that up with his addiction? With the amount of time he spends with porn, it is bound to interfere with his work. 

He is unlikely to give his full attention to his career if he has one eye on a porn site or web cam girls. He may also spend more and more money to get thrills. You may end up supporting him and his addiction if he losses his job. 

Do you know what happens to porn addicted men after years and years? Look it up. He will need more extreme forms of stimulation to get stimulated. He may drift into areas that may surprise you and he may want to try some things out. 

I am not saying he will but he could. He is a poor risk given what you know about him now, his age history, the deception. Are you sure you know the full scope of what he does? 

Is he having sex with professionals? Is he spending money on web cam girls? I bet you know only a fraction of his doings.


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## WorkingOnMe

Why do you think you keep picking losers? Do you not think you deserve a good man? I think you do. You're 34 and engaged to a kid. A kid with impulsive tendencies who seeks endless variety. What happens when you're 55 and he's 44? What do you think you graduate to from all day porn when you finally bore of it? 

Think about it. You've got 2 kids from 2 different fathers who you say aren't worth a damn. And you're engaged to another. Maybe someone else should be picking your guys for you.


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## CallaLily

I would advise against marrying this man. It wont get better once you're married, it will get worse. Once you work on yourself, then maybe you can get back out into the dating world. My guess is, you keep getting involved with these type of men because you lack self worth, and possibly because its all you know. Once you feel you truly deserve better, then that will show out in the dating world, and hopefully you will find a decent man who treats you the way you deserve.


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## notmarriedyet

It's such a smack in the face with him.

I truly thought I found all of those things in him. 

My family as well. I don't know what in the world I will tell them. This is a super private matter. 

From the outside, they love and adore him. He takes care of me and my kids, my family is going to be flabbergasted. 

All everyone says all the time about our engagement and upcoming wedding is how lucky I am to have found such a great man, FINALLY, and I deserve a life like this, etc, etc. We worked together for a few years before we started dating. Everyone thinks we're the greatest couple ever. We have an engagement party scheduled in the next few weeks and almost 100 people are coming. No one thinks I picked a loser. No one knows these inner struggles whereas my previous relationships were obviously ignorant choices on my part. 

When we first started dating I didn't know how to act! He bought me dinner. I never spent a dime. I never knew how I was supposed to be treated. I've always been the bread winner. No more. I've always taken care of every finance, and been fiscally more responsible. Not here, he is. He found a place for us to live. He paid the deposit. He signed a lease. I always had to do everything. This man cares about whether or not I have a good life. More importantly, that my kids do. 

And they love him too, they will NEVER understand what the problem is. 

When we were on different shifts: he'd bring me a box of tampons, walk them thru the factory for me. He has surprised me at lunch with roses and my fave carryout and countless other sweet things like that. Never in a million years would I have thought he'd go home straight to the phone or computer. I'd have never believed it.

He cares for my kids. He's not a bad man, he is quite the opposite. He's been working and saving since he was 14, financially responsible & sound, respectful, a dream come true if you will . . . on the surface.

So it's not like I just picked another loser. I was VERY particular. Unfortunately, this could happen to anyone, this is definitely not something I could have known or seen right off the bat. 

I'll be the first to admit I am a eff-up when it comes to choosing men. I didn't make the decision to start a life with this one lightly after all I had been through. 
So, no, I will not be the mother again, I will not be the female version of captain save a h0, or whatever you want to call it. That's why I am here.

I'm not trying to defend his actions regarding his addiction and the mental issues that come along with it. But to make it sound like whoops! She did it again! Is so far from reality. I'm sorry, but that's definitely not the case. 

Now, if I stay - then yeah, I'm an idiot again. But not going into it, no, I was not. 

This is only a couple months news to me. The surface is barely scratched. So please, please, don't insinuate I need someone to pick men out for me. I am a grown woman, I picked this one - very hesitantly. I had to be prodded by close friends who were well aware of my past situations. So he fooled them too I suppose. I was indeed weary . . .

After my kids' dads' bailed, I spent 9 years ALONE. I dated without their knowing. So, no - I don't need Patty Stanger. 

Sorry for the novel again but I couldn't help but clear that up.


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## PBear

Keep in mind that the longer this goes on, the more difficult it is to extract yourself. If you think it's tough to tell people the engagement party is off, imagine how much more difficult it will be to tell everyone the wedding is off. Or that the marriage is over. Etc, etc, etc. It's not going to get easier with time.

C


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## notmarriedyet

yes, I absolutely realize the women are younger. Even younger than him. That part bothers me a LOT. 

He's told me that it's just always been what he looks at, from the time he started watching/looking at porn. That's been his genre for as long as he can remember. 

That's what he says. 

I say he likes 18-20 year old girls. No psycho-babble needed, no excuses needed. He's attracted to young, hot, tight, bodies. That's it. 

I realize if I don't cancel this party, I will have to then plan a wedding I'm no longer excited about. 

I've already said I can't bear for him to touch me anymore. There's no way I could marry him.

I used to love the way he touched me, it seemed magical, like his hands always knew exactly where to go - like he'd known me a million years. 

Now I can't bear the thought. That's how I know I'm out. I've checked out. I can't stand the thought of it anymore. 

I just don't know how to bring it up. I wanted him to read about it. Wanted him to be honest with himself, be honest with me. Hopefully work through it. But it doesn't look like that's going to happen. 

He listens attentively, looks at me when I speak, feels bad when I am hurting, but he just has nothing to say. I can't live with it. I don't know what to do.


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## PBear

Then let him see this post. Arrange for the kids to be somewhere else for a few hours, print it off and hand it to him. Then talk about it. There's no easy way around it.

Another alternative is to tell him that this is bothering you a lot, and you think you need pre-marriage counseling to resolve. This will be one of those things that needs to come up in the conversation.

C


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## Catherine602

Look all is not lost. I feel optimistic about your ability to get what you say you want. All is not lost. You are learning about relationships. each one teaches you something. 

You have to move on right away when there are deal breakers to make way for the next relationship. Next time, your picker will be better. 

A couple of things you may not know. You learn about a partner incrementally and deepen the relationship based on what you find.. They are on their best behavior at first. 

But there are indicators of potential deal breakers and serious problems. Determine what those are and bail when you see definite evidence. 

You have to have faith that you will hone your perception and not waste time on poor matches and recognize the real thing when you se it. 

There were a few early signs of problems that you should have pursued early on. A man in his early 20's should be an ardent lover. If not there is something more than shyness at work. Now you know. 

If he is too nice and helpful and too good to be true, that is a red flag. People with PD hide their true nature until they think you cant leave. 

They are usually subtle signs. Does he have long term friends, is he close to his family and good to them? 

How old are your kids? You say he looks at teen porn. Is he attracted to young girls who look younger than their stated age? Childlike? 

Watch him with your kids. I am not saying he has a problem in that area but you have to be very careful about entrusting your kids to someone you don't really know. You don't know him, as you are finding out. 

It is common for men with sexual problems to get into the good graces of a single mom and make himself indispensable to get close to her kids. I am not accusing him of anything just pointing out the things you should look for. 

Don't be too impressed by what he does to get in your good graces. Look for the indications of his character, ethics and empathy. Being too nice and backing down in a fight are red flags.


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## notmarriedyet

Forgive me, what is PD?

He is very close to his family, I am close to them as well. They have a great relationship. They adore my children as well. The kids refer to his family as grandma, grandpa, great-grandma, etc. his family treats my children as their family. 

Grandparents are very religious, he got a lot of sex talks church style growing up. 

I do not think for a second he cares about very young girls. It's always 18-20, etc. 
trust me, I've done some research. The red flags are searches for preteen stuff, barely legal, etc. there's none of that, and let me tell ya - I see it ALL. 

I don't think he's after the kids in any way, nor ever will be. Otherwise, well - I won't post what I'd otherwise do if the thought even crossed my mind. 

I guess you'd have to know us in order to understand what I'm saying. 

I regret giving details of our age difference. I think it's easy for people to say he's a boy, etc. there's much more to the man than this addiction issue he most likely has. And much more to our relationship.


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## PFTGuy

Please forgive me if this is unwanted or unappreciated, but it's only well intentioned. Background on me: I'm a male sex/love addict who's been in recovery almost a year. I go to coed meetings and listen to a lot of women in recovery share about their past and their strength, experience, and hope. ALL of them would tell you:

1. Find a safe way to get out of this relationship
2. Get help. You have one primary problem to worry about: YOU. If you have a pattern of troubled relationships in the past, and a troubled relationship now, nothing will get better until you fix yourself. 
3. When you are confident of your own emotional health and sobriety, with the support of a counselor and/or sponsor, then you can think about whether this relationship is really the right one for you and your children or whether you need to move on.

With prayers for your peace and happiness.


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## notmarriedyet

PFTGuy,

It is very much appreciated, thank you very much for your insight. 
If you don't mind, could you please PM me some information about where I could find such a group? Thanks in advance


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## notmarriedyet

Oh, I also wanted to clarify - you mentioned sobriety. 

When I think "sobriety" I associate it with drugs or alcohol. I am not addicted to either, I don't even "dabble" in either. I may have wine at Christmas dinner, I don't drink but maybe once or twice a year, if that. I don't use any narcotics, prescribed or not, ever. 

I do smoke cigarettes though 
And I drink coffee. A lot. 

In full disclosure, I do see a therapist (individual counseling) and have done so for about ten years. I am diagnosed bipolar I with compulsivity and irrational thoughts/fears. I take medication. 

I try to take good emotional health of myself. I've raised my kids solo and this far they are emotionally stable, good in school, average run of the mill kids. 

We have spoken since my postings yesterday, and he is willing to work through this and do what needs done. He talked to me candidly, I will say that instead of getting too deep into it. But he was honest with me, it was difficult for him. Well, both of us of course. 

My SO most certainly has issues as we all do - I've yet to meet a person who doesn't have some sort of demon they battle. I don't know anyone who is perfect. However, I do know I love this man, and he loves me. I promised to marry him. Simply because our wedding day hasn't arrived - I'm not going to bail on him. If I got diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, and the doctor said I'd be ill for ten years and need cared for extensively, I can say with the utmost certainty he would not bail on me. 

So instead, I will be by his side, as the wife I promised I would be, and we will get thru this together as a couple. We've gone and been too far to throw it out now. Especially since he's acknowledged everything. Without me having to drag out or even mention the evidence. That's huge to me.


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## PBear

notmarriedyet said:


> Oh, I also wanted to clarify - you mentioned sobriety.
> 
> When I think "sobriety" I associate it with drugs or alcohol. I am not addicted to either, I don't even "dabble" in either. I may have wine at Christmas dinner, I don't drink but maybe once or twice a year, if that. I don't use any narcotics, prescribed or not, ever.
> 
> I do smoke cigarettes though
> And I drink coffee. A lot.
> 
> In full disclosure, I do see a therapist (individual counseling) and have done so for about ten years. I am diagnosed bipolar I with compulsivity and irrational thoughts/fears. I take medication.
> 
> I try to take good emotional health of myself. I've raised my kids solo and this far they are emotionally stable, good in school, average run of the mill kids.
> 
> We have spoken since my postings yesterday, and he is willing to work through this and do what needs done. He talked to me candidly, I will say that instead of getting too deep into it. But he was honest with me, it was difficult for him. Well, both of us of course.
> 
> My SO most certainly has issues as we all do - I've yet to meet a person who doesn't have some sort of demon they battle. I don't know anyone who is perfect. However, I do know I love this man, and he loves me. I promised to marry him. Simply because our wedding day hasn't arrived - I'm not going to bail on him. If I got diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, and the doctor said I'd be ill for ten years and need cared for extensively, I can say with the utmost certainty he would not bail on me.
> 
> So instead, I will be by his side, as the wife I promised I would be, and we will get thru this together as a couple. We've gone and been too far to throw it out now. Especially since he's acknowledged everything. Without me having to drag out or even mention the evidence. That's huge to me.


So have you determined what "work through this" means to you both? And have you discussed putting the wedding plans on hold until you're comfortable with where things are at? Same as canceling the wedding... Changes are most easily made early, rather than late.

Good luck, and I wish you all well!

C


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## notmarriedyet

PBear said:


> So have you determined what "work through this" means to you both? And have you discussed putting the wedding plans on hold until you're comfortable with where things are at? Same as canceling the wedding... Changes are most easily made early, rather than late.
> 
> Good luck, and I wish you all well!
> 
> C


Absolutely, we both understand what we are in for. He admitted some very 'hard-to-admit' potentially embarrassing things to me. He also understands what is on the line. One piece to it all is the uber extreme religious aspect that started being planted in his head before he even hit puberty or cared/knew about anything sex-related. I've always known that religious upbringing was a part of it - just not to the larger extent that it actually is. 

As for the wedding, there's no need to change or put plans on hold, as the date is two years away anyhow. 

Thank you for the well wishes. They are much needed & appreciated.


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## PBear

But is he going for counselling? Or is he just going to "not do it anymore"? And personally, I don't understand how a "uber extreme religious aspect" to his upbringing causes a porn addiction, but so long as you're happy with your understanding... But I've never suffered from a porn addiction, either.

C


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## notmarriedyet

PBear said:


> But is he going for counselling? Or is he just going to "not do it anymore"? And personally, I don't understand how a "uber extreme religious aspect" to his upbringing causes a porn addiction, but so long as you're happy with your understanding... But I've never suffered from a porn addiction, either.
> 
> C


Absolutely he has to go to counseling. We are actively looking (searching online) for one to fit his needs now. Otherwise, there would be no point. He couldn't possibly work out these issues in his own mind. 

When he was a boy, 8/9/10, his grandparents took care of him while the parents worked. They are very religious. They always talked about how God/Jesus is always watching you, he can see what you're doing no matter where you are, etc. This shamed him, and scared him - about masturbation, before he actually even knew about masturbation. So when the time came where he 'discovered' touching yourself feels good, it felt sinful to him, and he feared going to hell. 

From what I understand, as he got older, heard other boys or men talk about it, he realized that's not so much the case, and had gone a little off the deep end to 'make up for lost time' if you will.....


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## Jamison

If in fact he is a addict, at some point he may need to see a therapist who specializes in addictions. Also, addicts lie and manipulate. A lot of times they tell you what you want to hear at the time, and then they go back to what they originally were doing. I hope that is not the case for you all. Its good he is willing to seek counseling, let us know how things are going.


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## notmarriedyet

Jamison said:


> If in fact he is a addict, at some point he may need to see a therapist who specializes in addictions. Also, addicts lie and manipulate. A lot of times they tell you what you want to hear at the time, and then they go back to what they originally were doing. I hope that is not the case for you all. Its good he is willing to seek counseling, let us know how things are going.


We are currently seeking a therapist/counselor who has experience with sexual issues as well as addiction. 

I will know if he doesn't keep his word. He MUST attend therapy/counseling as an individual, and together we must go to relationship as well as premarital counseling. 

NOT going is a deal-breaker for me. 
No counseling = no relationship of any kind with me. 

Therapy is a huge part of my life already. He sees how much it benefits me, and he also saw how bad I suffered one time when I slacked off and stopped going for a while.

I will definitely give updates, I truly hope I am able to help anyone else that is in a similar situation.


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## PFTGuy

It sounds like you are doing the right things, so I wish you best of luck. I'm sure your counselor is in a better position than me to recommend the most appropriate group for you. For him, I have experience with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) which is easily searched on the Internet and hopefully you have some meetings available locally. SAA may be appropriate also. It doesn't hurt to go to a few meetings if a person thinks they might qualify...those of us who get sick enough to go usually wish we hadn't waited so long.

As far as PM'ing you, I don't want to cross a boundary with a couple in a relationship. If you wish to PM for specific questions, you may, and I will respond.

Peace, happiness, and prosperity....


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## notmarriedyet

PFTGuy said:


> It sounds like you are doing the right things, so I wish you best of luck. I'm sure your counselor is in a better position than me to recommend the most appropriate group for you. For him, I have experience with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) which is easily searched on the Internet and hopefully you have some meetings available locally. SAA may be appropriate also. It doesn't hurt to go to a few meetings if a person thinks they might qualify...those of us who get sick enough to go usually wish we hadn't waited so long.
> 
> As far as PM'ing you, I don't want to cross a boundary with a couple in a relationship. If you wish to PM for specific questions, you may, and I will respond.
> 
> Peace, happiness, and prosperity....


Thank you for the information, PFT.

No PM needed, I wasn't sure if you wanted to share the name of the group in public is all. 

GREAT website, thank you for sharing. Fortunately, there is a group that meets about 20 minutes from me. 

Again, appreciated!


----------



## Justaguy1

A lot of good sage advise here. Let me try and help from a different perspective. A lot of guys including myself are much better off when you know how things work.

Addiction whether behavior or chemical is really a fairly easy process to understand in term of how it works. Dopamine and your brains pleasure center.

You may have a great guy here. High Speed Internet has changed everything. You can get more visual stimulation in 15mins than All your grandfathers life time combined. What that does to your brain is similar to any other addiction. Dopamine.

Have you guy check out Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn. I did and it made a huge difference. At least he'll understand what he's doing to himself. 

good luck.


----------



## notmarriedyet

I appreciate the link ... I will send it to him. 

We've had some deep conversations, I've directed him toward other sites and blogs I'd like him to read. He's not. 

He won't talk with me about it unless I bring it up. I'm tired of bringing it up, I feel like a nag. I get sick of hearing myself talk. 

I can only hope the counseling will help, we cannot start until next month because of insurance reasons. 

He's opened up about some of his 'routines' I listened, wasn't judgmental, I even empathize somewhat (on certain things). 

Bottom line: porn and masturbation are interfering with the sex I want to be having with my future husband. If things don't change soon, I will be calling off the wedding completely although its two years away. I'm that serious, it's affecting me THAT much. 

I'm a highly sexual person. It's obvious he is too, just with a phone and himself. I refuse to deny myself to be the highly sexual being that I am, or let anyone tell me I don't deserve my sexual needs be met or I'm unreasonable - especially moving toward into a marriage. 

There I go rambling again.....


----------



## CEL

Love the avatar by the way. So I too am a recovering sex addict and yes it was porn I can see a lot of myself in your SO.

1. I would look at porn and it did affect my sexual performance

2. I had a type not your husbands but still. This is usually the preference for women that we have it says a lot about a guy if he is looking up Asian then his dream is an Asian and so on from there.

3. I would masturbate till I was sore.

4. I would rush home to masturbate and would do it on my days off.

5. My SO knew about it and it was a problem not one that she was wiling to leave me over but it when we had our lets fix it talk it was something that I confessed that I was addict. That was my huge moment.

I write this to show you that I get your husband. I can understand where he is at and why he is there I would like to share some things that have helped me.

1. I know that my judgment is off when it comes to masturbating so I ask my girl every time I do it and ask her help with it. If you are wondering PM me not going there in this thread.

2. When I go home I hand my phone to my SO. I would hide in the bathroom with my phone and get off so this way I don't do that.

3. I ask my girl for sex on my days off even if she is at work so that I know that I will get sex or something this helps me not fall into the trap. For you I would just ask him when you get home let him know you are going to ask and want the truth.

4. I don't use the computer in the bedroom in fact I don't even go up to the bedroom without her because I just don't trust myself. My advice is to keep him with you so he can't squirrel away.

5. Talk about his fantasies and see if you can make them come true this is without including others. This helped me it made sex a lot better for me and helped me rewire myself.


Now a few things what this did is make it so his primary arousal comes from something other than a women. That is why his equipment does not work right. Let me guess hard to get him hard, loses it sometimes in the act, needs specific things to get there kind of like a routine? If so we can talk about what worked for me and what did not work. His mind has been wired one way and now you need to rewire it the other way. It can be done but it takes a girl who wants sex and is open to sex. Let me know if I can help. Me and my SO are doing much better so you CAN have a good life beyond this.


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## notmarriedyet

CEL said:


> Love the avatar by the way. So I too am a recovering sex addict and yes it was porn I can see a lot of myself in your SO.
> 
> 1. I would look at porn and it did affect my sexual performance
> 
> 2. I had a type not your husbands but still. This is usually the preference for women that we have it says a lot about a guy if he is looking up Asian then his dream is an Asian and so on from there.
> 
> 3. I would masturbate till I was sore.
> 
> 4. I would rush home to masturbate and would do it on my days off.
> 
> 5. My SO knew about it and it was a problem not one that she was wiling to leave me over but it when we had our lets fix it talk it was something that I confessed that I was addict. That was my huge moment.
> 
> I write this to show you that I get your husband. I can understand where he is at and why he is there I would like to share some things that have helped me.
> 
> 1. I know that my judgment is off when it comes to masturbating so I ask my girl every time I do it and ask her help with it. If you are wondering PM me not going there in this thread.
> 
> 2. When I go home I hand my phone to my SO. I would hide in the bathroom with my phone and get off so this way I don't do that.
> 
> 3. I ask my girl for sex on my days off even if she is at work so that I know that I will get sex or something this helps me not fall into the trap. For you I would just ask him when you get home let him know you are going to ask and want the truth.
> 
> 4. I don't use the computer in the bedroom in fact I don't even go up to the bedroom without her because I just don't trust myself. My advice is to keep him with you so he can't squirrel away.
> 
> 5. Talk about his fantasies and see if you can make them come true this is without including others. This helped me it made sex a lot better for me and helped me rewire myself.
> 
> 
> Now a few things what this did is make it so his primary arousal comes from something other than a women. That is why his equipment does not work right. Let me guess hard to get him hard, loses it sometimes in the act, needs specific things to get there kind of like a routine? If so we can talk about what worked for me and what did not work. His mind has been wired one way and now you need to rewire it the other way. It can be done but it takes a girl who wants sex and is open to sex. Let me know if I can help. Me and my SO are doing much better so you CAN have a good life beyond this.


Thank you. You've certainly given me a LOT to think about. 

It all makes perfect sense, I appreciate your very well thought out articulation of it as well. 

I wish my SO were as dedicated to making me happy and trying his hardest not to hurt me as well. 

You have put forth a HUGE effort, and for that I commend you. You've restored some of my faith that this can actually work. But he has to WANT it to. Right now, he doesn't. 

I'm definitely wondering, so I will send you a PM. Please tell me whatever you think will help, I am not easily offended AT ALL, it's quite difficult to offend me. I appreciate your help more than I can say!


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## bloupbloup

I think it is important to communicate on your sexual relationship and give it the right environment to start over. 

I would say this issue does not involve anybody else & it should be fixed by yourself even if you are not responsible for it. 

I think it would be good to try new things. For instance, visit a swinger club. I am not saying you have to participate but only visiting a swinger club would be a thrilling objective to reach in your couple. That would perhaps to get back your husband libido inside the couple.


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## ShareAndLearnGuy

Hello notmarriedyet ! I am sorry to hear about your situation. I myself have had problems with porn as a guy and would like to share my perspective on it. I will refrain from any advise but if I do happen to stray please take it simply as something I see and want to share.

I got addicted to porn when I was in my early 20s and have never been able to get rid of the habit. I am in my 40s now. My need to indulge in porn has varied between wanting to see porn all day long to not watching porn for over several months. I can go into detail on what I have learnt about my addiction and where I am today if that would help you, but I would rather not do that unless you see any value. 

I can tell that by now you have realized that it is your SO who needs to feel like changing and there is very little you can do about it unless he wants you to. There is something about your situation that I can relate to or I think I understand. Please do not take offense if I am wrong but I feel compelled to share what comes to my mind. Your SO may see you as a beautiful and capable person who is dedicated to her kids and deserves a better life. I have felt the same way about so many women. I feel the need to reach out and help and even feel I can fall in love with every one of them. But I have come to realize that getting into a relationship of such dependence would not be long lasting. When I am on the internet I am not just wanting to watch porn and relieve myself, although that is definitely a part of it, I tend to gravitate towards women whom I feel I can help and thus make them feel love through my help. I have learnt this over time and I feel somewhat lost as to what a relationship is meant to be. I am learning everyday and feel more and more confident that life can be happy and I can have a good relationship free of porn, but it has been a long struggle that is definitely not over yet.

I can certainly talk more if you see any value in my posting.


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## eyuop

One thing (as a recovering porn addict myself) I can say with surety is this: I was never trying to hurt anyone. I've never met an addict to anything that set out to intentionally get addicted and hurt the other person/people in their lives. It is easy for others to assume that the person is intentionally doing things to hurt them, but in the majority of cases, the one addicted either can't see how it is hurting another, or isn't willing to believe the other person because they reason it away (the old, "well he/she shouldn't feel that way because that's not my intent") argument.

It was never my intent to hurt my wife by secretly viewing porn. She may assume that was part of my motive, but in all honesty, it was the furthest thing from my mind.


----------



## fix this

your fiancee is a lot like my husband. A LOT. What I noticed is, mine will watch porn any second he gets a chance, if he thinks he can get away with hours every day, this is how much he will do it for. he also looks at barely legal teens, and he as well used to only be interested in having sex after he watched hours of it (until i begant to just flat out turn him down in those scenarios). Also rarely has a full erection during sex (he said it's from meds he used to take, but as i found out about his porn thing, which was after a whopping 5 years of relationship and 2 years of marriage, i now believe it can easily be that he can't even perform live anymore because he's so hung up on porn.) I am also at a loss now, i have struggled with this for a year and i would definitely walk if he wasn't the love of my life, and if it wasn't so hard for me. He's a good man in other aspects, and almost fully provides for me, too. Only in my case, he's older than me. He's in his 30's.


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## badcompany

I totally understand the wives that get ticked because they've been replaced by porn. I have no problem admitting to some use, but that's because a dry spell for me can be three weeks no matter the obvious reminders I put out there...tell her she looks hot....smells good....see thru nightie on her pillow...candles lit....etc. I'm not going to cheat and "it's" got to go somewhere, but porn would never replace the real thing for me.


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## notmarriedyet

Just an update:

I'm sad to report things haven't been progressing well. While pretending to genuinely changing, I found out otherwise. 

I am actively working on leaving the relationship, it's very difficult when we just renewed a lease and neither can afford to leave just yet.
Trying to hold it together for now. 

I appreciate everyone's advice, it did help, I just hope others can read this thread and benefit.


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## notmarriedyet

badcompany said:


> I totally understand the wives that get ticked because they've been replaced by porn. I have no problem admitting to some use, but that's because a dry spell for me can be three weeks no matter the obvious reminders I put out there...tell her she looks hot....smells good....see thru nightie on her pillow...candles lit....etc. I'm not going to cheat and "it's" got to go somewhere, but porn would never replace the real thing for me.


Three weeks!? That's a long time!
I would have offered myself three or more times a day, but my self esteem won't allow it. It's been beaten and beaten to the ground. 

I cannot hold onto such resentment on my end. It's not fair to either of us so I have to let go.


----------



## niceguy72

This post is a little old and my post may not be noticed however I hope it helps other guys.

I don't know I can just tell you how to "fix" you guy it is never that easy yet I would also suggest giving up on him is not the right answer. I believe 75% of men have this issue.

Moreover I would suggest that advice from many women should be ignored as they don't understand what it is like to have testosterone levels that a man does. (not hate mail I won't be reading it)

I was addicted for many many years. And only recently did I come to grips as to the real problem. I found that the root of my problems were tied to things very non-sexual. Strange! I was kind of shocked. However the hormones released during an orgasim help a man deal with daily life. 

I would imagine that the stimulants are probably slightly different from one man to the next. I now know that three things will set of my addiction. And if I don't want to look at porn then I need to avoid these three things...

1) stress
2) depression
3) lack of physical intimacy 
4) sitting at a desk too long

Fortunately I have a Chinese wife who thinks me looking at porn was much better than Chinese men who keep women on the side for sex. This means I could openly talk to her with embarrassment. And she could help me through the issues.

1) avoid work stress, and if you have it find away to blow it off.

2) figure out why you are depressed and solve that issue.

3) Maybe I am an overly romantic man but I NEED to be held and kissed, and go on walks, and hear I love you. I NEED to be held and to hold and if that leads to wild passionate sex, then let it happen. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

As my wife says you can have one of two problems...

a) a husband to who wants you to much
b) a husband who wants other women and not you at all.

4) you need physical exercise, my body wants sex even when I don't because it is craving exercise. 

Tossing a guy out because of this would be like toss a woman away because she cries when she when she has PMS.


----------



## Judus

notmarriedyet said:


> Hello . . .
> 
> My dear, this is called emotional cheating. He is committing adultery. You do not want to go forward with someone who cannot commit to one person. It will one day end, and it will be devastating. I went through this. I was naive, and ignored much of it, rationalized it, but it did end, and my world was shattered. If a man is, so entertained with porn, he will cheat on you physically, as well.
> It is difficult when we love someone, to accept this, but it is best to walk away now, than to allow it to destroy your life.
> 
> If he gets himself together, let him do this on his own. Walk away, tell him once he is together and can commit to you, and only you, then you can communicate about future plans. But it must be a transformation. Some will give it up for a couple of weeks, couple of months, but will go back to it. You need to see a complete transformation. After all, are you not worth it?
> 
> Unfortunately, you cannot give him enough love to help him, I went way beyond the boundaries to help my husband, and he started this before we were married as well. I also found out after we were married that he had been cheating during the entire relationship. I forgave him, gave him love, did everything to please him. It made no difference. It is perversion, lust, it is sick. You will need to make a decision for yourself. Do I deserve better. And the answer is yes! The one MAJOR thing you need to remember, if he truly loves you, then nothing else will be more important than you. At this point he is thinking of himself, as you mentioned you have had talks with him on this subject. If I could give you wise advice, " I would say, walk away". If he turns from his behavior sincerely, then you can decide if this is a relationship that will last.


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## herblackwings

If you want a man who doesn't look at porn look in North Korea where the sentence is death for viewing it. And yep guys like to see 18-20 year old porn stars. This is a tough concept for older women to understand. Young women are more attractive than older women. Sorry but the truth can suck sometimes. If an average man could pick from the hot 18 or attractive 35 to see nude with nobody around to judge, which do you honestly think they would pick? Sounds like your ex fiancé had major issues. I hope you remember the
Signs and can use that on your next hunt for a new man. Remember though all men look at porn and those who say they don't are older (didnt grow up with the intermet) or just lying. But some men have a real problem with it like your ex fiancé does. He'll never change so if this is a deal breaker, best to bail out now. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILoveMyWife!

Sorry to hear this. I am recently coping with understand I have an issue. He can only change if HE wants to. I decided that I wanted to make a change not just for my wife and family but for myself. I didnt like how I was looking at it and trying to cover it up. I honestly dont have a problem giving it up now that I realize how important my wife and family are to me. Nothing else in this world matters. I just think I might have woken up a bit to late. But I HAD to wake up!


----------



## I Know

niceguy72 said:


> This post is a little old and my post may not be noticed however I hope it helps other guys.
> 
> I don't know I can just tell you how to "fix" you guy it is never that easy yet I would also suggest giving up on him is not the right answer. I believe 75% of men have this issue.
> 
> Moreover I would suggest that advice from many women should be ignored as they don't understand what it is like to have testosterone levels that a man does. (not hate mail I won't be reading it)
> 
> I was addicted for many many years. And only recently did I come to grips as to the real problem. I found that the root of my problems were tied to things very non-sexual. Strange! I was kind of shocked. However the hormones released during an orgasim help a man deal with daily life.
> 
> I would imagine that the stimulants are probably slightly different from one man to the next. I now know that three things will set of my addiction. And if I don't want to look at porn then I need to avoid these three things...
> 
> 1) stress
> 2) depression
> 3) lack of physical intimacy
> 4) sitting at a desk too long
> 
> Fortunately I have a Chinese wife who thinks me looking at porn was much better than Chinese men who keep women on the side for sex. This means I could openly talk to her with embarrassment. And she could help me through the issues.
> 
> 1) avoid work stress, and if you have it find away to blow it off.
> 
> 2) figure out why you are depressed and solve that issue.
> 
> 3) Maybe I am an overly romantic man but I NEED to be held and kissed, and go on walks, and hear I love you. I NEED to be held and to hold and if that leads to wild passionate sex, then let it happen. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!
> 
> As my wife says you can have one of two problems...
> 
> a) a husband to who wants you to much
> b) a husband who wants other women and not you at all.
> 
> 4) you need physical exercise, my body wants sex even when I don't because it is craving exercise.
> 
> Tossing a guy out because of this would be like toss a woman away because she cries when she when she has PMS.


Good post dude. Many women will rail on her man because he looks at porn. But then same woman will refuse to have sex with the man. Normal healthy men need to ejaculate. He is going to do it with her or without her. If he is doing it without her it means he is using porn or hooking up with another woman. 

Now this is clearly not the OP's issue, since she is very sexual. But all too often wives think that the husband can just shut down his sex drive until it is convenient for her. It just doesn't work like that. You either screw him or lose him. It's a choice you make. 

Unfortunately for OP, her mate made that choice before she met him. Sadly that happens too.


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## notmarriedyet

herblackwings said:


> If you want a man who doesn't look at porn look in North Korea where the sentence is death for viewing it. And yep guys like to see 18-20 year old porn stars. This is a tough concept for older women to understand. Young women are more attractive than older women. Sorry but the truth can suck sometimes. If an average man could pick from the hot 18 or attractive 35 to see nude with nobody around to judge, which do you honestly think they would pick? Sounds like your ex fiancé had major issues. I hope you remember the
> Signs and can use that on your next hunt for a new man. Remember though all men look at porn and those who say they don't are older (didnt grow up with the intermet) or just lying. But some men have a real problem with it like your ex fiancé does. He'll never change so if this is a deal breaker, best to bail out now. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally understand that any (well, not ANY, but most) men would rather look at a younger woman rather than older. Me & my self esteem & common sense can grasp that. But when the search terms are consistent, it's a bit hard to handle. I think one could find enough younger looking women by just browsing rather than on the hunt for a specific age. 

Just my two cents. 

I get that I have other self esteem issues, men look at porn, etc. and I myself need to figure out my own issues before subjecting myself to another relationship that will only hurt me. Until then I will be alone. I just can't handle certain things.


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## Annie 54

Sorry but this is much more important to him than you or your children are... if he can not give it up for a day... and complains or gets aggressive should you call during his "Session" dump him and run for the hills ..... He will only ever be able to get it up from the images on line or in magazine he does not relate love with sexual need ... My best friends husband had a similar addiction would masturbate every morning using porn while watching himself in the mirror waited until she had gone to work or would change appointments so he could return during the day ... He expected her to use he mouth on him in complete darkness which was the closes they got to intimacy for 10 years In the end it got so bad he access porn at work and was sacked managed to get another job and did the same sacked again .... now she is living in a refuses and has nothing ... She use to make all sorts of excuses for him but now she sees him as a sad man who will end his days sitting in the dark jerking off to the glow of the computer screen ....


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## clipclop2

All men do not look at porn. Not all men who say they don't look at porn are "older" or lying. 

Love the absolutes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annie 54

Was not for a minute suggesting ALL men look at porn.... As to the absolutes.... There is no getting away from the fact that this guy has not made love to his wife in 10 years that is an absolute .... she is devastated has low self esteem and has lost all the light behind her eyes.... That is an absolute .... as to the comment sitting in the dark jerking off that is a heart felt wish... and only time will tell if it becomes an absolute ... Bitter for my beautiful talented friend ...... oh you bet....


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## notmarriedyet

I agree with a lot of the things I've read on different threads. 

Porn sometimes - ok. 
Masturbate sometimes - ok

But when you're doing one or the other, or a combo of both, and I am NOT sexually satisfied, then you are depriving me of something in the relationship IMHO. 

I won't apologize for my sexuality. I'm a highly sexual person and I deserve to be desired more than his right hand and/or a porn video. More recently discovered, as many mentioned it would likely escalate - that was correct. 

He'd saved several pictures of "real" girls from a random hookup site and made a special slideshow for himself. Probably in the same file of the slideshow I made for him. That's a blow to the self esteem, cheating on some level, and an absolute deal breaker. 

Porn is one thing, hookup sites a whole other ballpark. I don't care if you are "just browsing". 

The excuses are tiresome. I've become exhausted. I decided to end it, but cannot physically remove myself yet. He begs and pleads. At this point I don't care. It's not genuine. He loves that **** so much I don't want to take it away from him so he then resents me? That's warped. That's where my head is. 

Not cool.


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## Annie 54

There is so much in what you say I listened to late at night from my friend... We resorted to going back to teensleep overs... only this time we had our children top and tailed in the bed with us ..... Even now her self esteem is rock bottom ... belives at times it was her fault... No way ... you should have seen her men turned their heads when she walked into a bar.... Now lives in trackies big baggy tops and struggles to go to the school...... The excuses he made to her are endless... The thing that broke her was losing his job .... twice for looking at porn at work.... the first time they asked him to leave the same day .... then there would be no recompense .... why would you put your families at risk again .... Now he has no job...
As a close friend (20) years I have seen her change from a bubblyyoung woman to a wonderful mum caring wife and now sad lady.....
Save yourself ..Make a plan for your future and remove yourself as soon as it's safe... We waited until he had gone out for the day .... My mother looked after the children and we packed clothes and photographs... leaving was the hardest thing she has ever done ..... if you have some one you can trust ask for help and move forward .... My friend is day by day although she does not see it yet... Good luck and above all be safe...

A 
x


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## notmarriedyet

Thanks Annie, I appreciate your advice, kind words, and sharing your story. 

It's sad what some of us women will allow men to drag our self esteem thru the dirt, I understand we are responsible for our own self-esteem, but to stay in a relationship that is counter productive to trying to raise ourselves
up. .... I don't understand why it's so hard to walk away. Best wishes to your dear friend.


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## MelodyAnn

Dear NotMarriedYet,

When I read your initial post today, I thought I would comment "please, please, please, PLEASE find a way to break your emotional attachment to this man and leave him!". But then, I saw your later messages where you said he opened up to you, and I saw you hanging on to hope. I was concerned for you and very doubtful of the prospects for successful change in this man. Let me tell you why. In your initial post, you can see a man who is very selfish. You say he was good in other aspects. But, he didn't *care about your feelings* in one of the most important areas of life - sexuality in a relationship and emotional intimacy between two people. He would get angry or irritated if you called and interrupted his porn session? OMG! He is fundamentally self-centered, and incapable of emotional imtimacy with a significant other. That fundamental flaw will be an extremely difficult thing to change. There are some with addictions who truly care about their partner, and will do their utmost to change, as in move heaven and earth to break an addiction that threatens or hurts their relationship. Sadly, your guy is not one of those people. That's why it is highly doubtful he will have lasting change. He is way too self-centered. An addiction is a very hard thing to break. But, this is not smoking or something less threatening to a relationship. This addiction pertains to sex and intimacy, and so threatens the very core of a relationship. It is definitely a type of cheating if your partner is aroused and orgasms to someone or something that is not you. Don't believe the male posters on here who try to convince you that "all guys watch porn" and that anyone who says he doesn't is lying. That's simply not true. Porn consumption and porn addictions are becoming more rampant because of the free availability of it on the internet, but that doesn't make it healthy or normal. It is a growing social disease that hurts a person's ability to develop and maintain true intimacy in a real relationship. It's unnatural to rewire your brain so you're only aroused to multiple, multiple, multiple partners and can no longer enjoy monogamy and be sexually fulfilled by just one person. That's what the research shows - the repetitive exposure to porn, the arousal to multiple sexual partners in our perception rewires the brain so the consumer of porn finds it hard to get aroused to just one stimulus - one person. The rewired brain essentially gets "spoiled" and can no longer get aroused by the normal cues provided by just one partner. That's a very difficult addiction to reprogram, and would require great dedication, which this guy just does not have, from all you've said. 
I am not trying to be cruel. My heart goes out to you, and I think it is a blessing in disguise if you can see his true colors now, and find a way to break all your emotional attachment to him. It is so very hard to do when we feel that sense of attachment or love for someone. Life is very hard and sometimes requires us to be very strong to lead to a better future. I hope and pray you can find that inner strength to break free of him emotionally. If you stay trapped in this relationship, you will have much pain and heartbreak in the future. And if you ever have children with him, it will only become many many times harder to leave. Not to mention there will be the innocent victims, the mutual children whose hearts will be ripped apart by divorce. I am very relieved to see your last posts where you say you plan to leave, Please remain resolved to leave! Rely on your inner strength and self-confidence to not waver or change your mind. Do not listen to his insincere begging or insecure pleading. You *deserve so much better*. You are still quite young, attractive (I'm sure, from the male attention you describe), and are a loving sexual being who can bring her kindness and goodness to a relationship where you are truly cherished and treasured. You must believe that you deserve that! YOU DO! It is hard to leave, but you can do it. It is hard to be single, but with that freedom life opens up a whole new set of possibilities. There are tons of better men, and so many men who can be faithful in body and mind. Don't believe the hype that they all consume porn. That kind of talk is just an excuse by men who want to normalize the behavior and take license to continue indulging in a true social plague that threatens real relationships. If a man loves you, the only one he needs to get aroused by and 'come for' is YOU!


----------



## Annie 54

Could not say it any better very wise words from Melody Ann....


----------



## AVR1962

NotMarriedYet, I was in your shoes many years back. Please try to apply what I have to say to your own situation. I realize you are in love, want to help, want the relationship to work. You might even be thinking that all things are fixable and you are willing to go the distance with your boyfriend.

There is something very wrong for any person to view porn all day long. He cannot reach an erection with you, very big issues. You are going to be able to do nothing to change this man. Even if you go to counseling, you both take the steps, he agrees to longer view it there are going to be lingering issues involving intimacy.

Somewhere along the line your boyfriend found relating to females uncomfortable, perhaps fear of rejection so he turned to what won't refuse him and what is always available. He does have to court and say all the right things. He loves fantasy and that is what he craves. You, like me, can never compete with these air brushed specially posed porn stars.

I thought by ridding my husband of the porn the intimacy would follow......after years of lies and cover-ups my daughter caught him while I was out of town viewing a strip show mid day with our toddler in the room. He confessed, went to counseling, we did just as the counselor suggested, he apologized to the family, he admitted he was an addict, we talked openly about it. Taking away the porn never changed the intimacy issues between us.

You are young....my advise to you is don't waste your time with this guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea.


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## MelodyAnn

Dear NotMarriedYet,

Just hope you're doing OK! Stay strong. I know we may not be posting the advice you want to hear. Please reflect on some of the posts giving real life experience and examples, like those from Annie54 who relates info about a close friend, and AVR1962. Their stories illustrate how truly difficult it is to 'cure' sex addiction. Oftentimes, individuals who develop sex and/or porn addictions (pretty much the same issue to a varying degree) have serious intimacy issues to begin with, and have a hard time maintaining intimacy and sex with their partner.
The decision is ultimately yours, to stay or leave, regardless of what we all say. I think we all want the best for you, and hope you arrive at the best for yourself and your family.

With a prayer for your inner peace 

Melody Ann


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## BruisedGirl

eyuop said:


> It was never my intent to hurt my wife by secretly viewing porn. She may assume that was part of my motive, but in all honesty, it was the furthest thing from my mind.


I got cold chills when I read this. My SO said this to me, verbatim.

Just wanted to comment on that.


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## BruisedGirl

notmarriedyet,

I just stumbled upon your thread. I think you're living my future life. 

I am with a man who is wonderful in many aspects, just like yours. He is great to my children (he has none of his own but wants children). I could go on about his great qualities and why I adore him.

I've recently found out that he is addicted to porn. I don't care what he denies, he can't stop looking at it. How I wish he would say, "I have a problem." It would give us something to go with. 

He's tried to pin it on me by stating I'm not sexy like the girls in porn are. This excuse is proof enough that he in fact has a problem. 

Like your guy, mine says he loves me all the time. But he finds it so hard to show me when I need him to the most. 

I just want you to know that I'm living this, like you, right now. It is pure hell. We are in our early 30's. Currently, I'm trying to find a way to detach myself from all of this. I can't fix anything for him, I've learned that. I can't make him see that he needs help. Though I've tried, I can't make him see this is killing us and I won't be able to hang on forever. 

One thing I'm doing is each day when the first thought comes to my mind is I immediately tell myself, "It's not your fault." I may repeat it a hundred times. Yes, my body has changed. But not so much to the point that I've caused another to be addicted to anything. What a foolish thought. 

Anyway, I didn't mean to jack your thread. I just want you to know... I so get it. I understand. I understand why you're still there. I understand why you want to fix it and live happily ever after. I understand why you want to hear someone say leave him on one day, but stand by his side the next. I understand. 

If you need to talk to someone I'll be glad to listen. Unfortunately, I can offer no sound advice. 

I'm hoping something has changed in a positive way for the two of you. I also hope you keep coming back here. I'm interested to see what works, what doesn't, and how this ends-if it does.


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## notmarriedyet

So sorry to hear that BruisedGirl 

Please don't apologize - you aren't jacking my thread! We all need to support one another. Please never ever never let a man tell you his addiction is YOUR fault! You are not responsible for his problem(s). I am sure you are a beautiful, strong, loving woman such as myself. We have to focus on loving ourselves before we can decide to help someone through their own issues. Especially when they want to pin it on us to make themselves feel better. That is shameful of him. Please don't think less of yourself! Spend time on YOU and only YOU. Fall in love with yourself. Do things you enjoy. 

I have been reading and contemplating, considering. I just haven't known what to post. I really appreciate everyone's advice and sharing their own personal stories, and especially the well wishes and prayers. They are VERY much appreciated and they most certainly help to read comforting words.

We are still living together, but like roommates. It hurts. I can't go, neither can he. We are just waiting it out. He wants to work on 'us' but I cannot do it! I know in my heart I cannot help him. I am not sure he wants to help himself. I believe he wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants to continue on doing whatever he wants, but to simply hide it better. It's too bad for him that I'm not a fool. He still cannot admit simple things to me. I ask of him, please - just tell me what it is you so desperately don't want me to find out! He won't do it. I was hopeful in the beginning, when he opened up somewhat. He did give up a few things, but not exactly what I expected nor deserved to hear. Hurt me with the truth, never with a lie. 

If he needs secrecy, deception, lies - then it's a deal-breaker for me. A marriage is the opposite of those. 

I told him before: If you would be uncomfortable with me seeing, hearing, or knowing about something, anything, that you are doing, then you shouldn't be doing it. That's what it's about to ME. That's all that matters. I'm not asking him to give anything up, but I certainly do NOT have to live with it. 

One day he will realize when he comes home and this house is cleared out. One day, not too terribly long from now. Fingers crossed.


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## notmarriedyet

He's still trying to beg for his life. 

He said he put porn before having sex with me in the beginning of our relationship because of promises I made that I never followed thru with. 

I have no clue what he means, I was basically chasing him around trying to serve it on a platter in the early days. Like Burger King, he could have it his way, any way, this way, what way, he coulda named it and I'd have done it. Shoot, up until several weeks ago I was doing the same thing!

One excuse:
We never took a shower in my fancy decked out stone shower in the basement at my old house. Mind you, my parents lived in the basement at the time, with paper thin walls. Wasn't happening. However, we were showering in the "regular" shower EVERY DAY. 

Or, we never did it outdoors or in a "risky" situation. I would most definitely remember if he asked that - it would have been done. 

I asked if he showered with the porn or used it outdoors? No he said. 

So I guess porn was better than....better than...I dunno? I can't get a straight answer. 

So still no real truthful answers as to why he chose porn over sex. And continued for so long. 

He claims it's been 2 weeks since he last used porn. I don't believe him. 

Just an update!!


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## Catherine602

When do you think you can move out? It could be so much better if you did not see him every day. It would make it easier to recover. 

He is probably reluctant to explain why he prefers porn to a real live woman because he is ashamed of his addiction. 

It controls him. Maybe it would help to read about porn addiction. At lest you will understand and know it is not you. He had the problem before he met you.


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## MelodyAnn

Dear notmarriedyet,

I just want to say that I am so, so, soooo proud of you!!! Proud of your strength as a woman, your ability to pull it together, and your resolve to stay firm on your course to leave this abusive relationship. You are so smart to catch on to the program, and realize what your former boyfriend is truly about. To see the writing on the wall is half the battle. So many times we women see the writing on the wall but pull the blinders over our eyes because the truth is too painful, and also because we can be forgiving to a fault, to our own detriment. Never forget your mantra "I am not a fool." Keep repeating that to yourself whenever you feel yourself giving in slightly to his insincere excuses and deceptions. 

I think you are one really smart cookie :smthumbup: Don't let his pleading wear you down or break your newfound mental resolve that is guided by your internal compass of values. You know what you want out of a marriage, and he does not and cannot provide that. Highly doubtful that he will ever be able to provide that to any woman, ever. But what happens to him won't be your problem anymore.

He begs and pleads for you to stay, while he continues the abusive behavior of blaming _you_ for his cheating, ( and, yes it's definitely one type of cheating.) It's called blame-shifting, and it is classic abuser behavior. He tries to shift the blame to you for _his_ bad behavior. The same pattern of blame-shifting is common with physical abusers who hit their partner and say "it was her fault I hit her because she did ____ (fill in the blank)." Whether it's physical or emotional abuse, abusers commonly use the same tactic of trying to make their victims feel accountable for the abuser's wrongdoings because abusers do not have the strength or self-esteem to accept accountability for their own actions and to _own_ their own mistakes. You need to run from this person as quickly as possible! I understand you are in a lease, but the longer you stay in the same household, the longer he has to try to systematically undermine your thinking. His attempts to blame-shift are so pathetic too! He had to turn to porn because you didn't do it with him in some stone shower?? "Give me a freaking break", I would say to him while I paused to make myself puke! Every excuse he gave for porn is pathetic and it only underlines his pattern of emotional abuse in trying to make you accountable for his acts of betrayal, while the accountability is fully his. *What a sorry excuse for a man.* I'm sorry to be so harsh, but men like that really turn me off, really really bad.

Once again, I am so happy for you that you plan to leave this relationship and this person who will only harm your self-esteem. You will become so much happier when you don't have to see him daily and deal with this ugly stress he creates in your life. He does nothing to promote your inner peace, and I believe you've realized that life with him will be a life lived on the edge of chaos and uncertainty, where you'll often catch him going back on his promises to change. The rest of the time you'll be wondering if he is telling the truth and just covering his tracks better. You can't ever trust this person, nor should you even try, in my humble opinion.

Will keep on sending you good wishes and prayers 

MelodyAnn


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## MelodyAnn

BruisedGirl said:


> notmarriedyet,
> 
> I just stumbled upon your thread. I think you're living my future life.
> 
> I am with a man who is wonderful in many aspects, just like yours. He is great to my children (he has none of his own but wants children). I could go on about his great qualities and why I adore him.
> 
> I've recently found out that he is addicted to porn. I don't care what he denies, he can't stop looking at it. How I wish he would say, "I have a problem." It would give us something to go with.
> 
> He's tried to pin it on me by stating I'm not sexy like the girls in porn are. This excuse is proof enough that he in fact has a problem.
> 
> Like your guy, mine says he loves me all the time. But he finds it so hard to show me when I need him to the most.
> 
> I just want you to know that I'm living this, like you, right now. It is pure hell. We are in our early 30's. Currently, I'm trying to find a way to detach myself from all of this. I can't fix anything for him, I've learned that. I can't make him see that he needs help. Though I've tried, I can't make him see this is killing us and I won't be able to hang on forever.
> 
> One thing I'm doing is each day when the first thought comes to my mind is I immediately tell myself, "It's not your fault." I may repeat it a hundred times. Yes, my body has changed. But not so much to the point that I've caused another to be addicted to anything. What a foolish thought.
> 
> Anyway, I didn't mean to jack your thread. I just want you to know... I so get it. I understand. I understand why you're still there. I understand why you want to fix it and live happily ever after. I understand why you want to hear someone say leave him on one day, but stand by his side the next. I understand.
> 
> If you need to talk to someone I'll be glad to listen. Unfortunately, I can offer no sound advice.
> 
> I'm hoping something has changed in a positive way for the two of you. I also hope you keep coming back here. I'm interested to see what works, what doesn't, and how this ends-if it does.


Dear Bruised Girl,
He said you are not sexy like the girls in porn????!!!! He justified his sick habit by blaming you! He is a sick, disgusting, verbally and emotionally abusive person. It makes me so angry to hear this. You need to get angry about this, get angry enough to dump him. Never ever ever forgive a guy for saying such a horrible thing. What he said is so degrading and attempts to bring down your value as a partner. He doesn't deserve to ever touch you again if that's how he feels and has the nerve to say to you. It is clear emotional abuse. Don't accept it from him! 
Who cares if real women don't look like porn stars. Porn stars are fake from head to toe with all their plastic surgery and airbrushing. If that's what he needs to 'get off' because he has reprogrammed his brain to get turned on to only fake artificial trash, then let him have his porn, and you can get happy with a real man who appreciates a real woman!
I really feel for you Bruised Girl! Don't let my anger toward your partner for disprespecting you be misunderstood as being directed to you in any way. I just don't want you to accept this kind of abuse from anybody in your life, especially a man who thinks he's earned the right to touch you.
Since you say your story is very similar to NotMarriedYet please read my advice to her. I hope you can leave this guy who gets off from strangers in videos, whether porn stars or women on the internet on sex websites. He is not giving you the monogamous exclusive intimacy you deserve in a relationship.
I hope and pray that you can leave!
MelodyAnn


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## AVR1962

BruisedGirl said:


> I've recently found out that he is addicted to porn. I don't care what he denies, he can't stop looking at it. How I wish he would say, "I have a problem." It would give us something to go with.
> 
> He's tried to pin it on me by stating I'm not sexy like the girls in porn are. This excuse is proof enough that he in fact has a problem.


BrusiedGirl, your husband made a very powerful and sad statement. I am glad you realize that you cannot own his issues but what you are dealing with is very hard emotionally. It takes a toll on you and it will take a toll on the marriage. 

I think, we as women, try our darnest to please our husbands and feel it is up to us to make them happy but this is one of those areas that the male hormones may not just be in over-drive but there might be something messed up about his issues with intimacy and female connection. This is not to fault him, this is just what it is and it will remain. Even if your husband goes to counseling and he successfully takes the step to overcome porn addiction it does not mean his connection to intimacy will change. Something formed him in his early years. This is how it was explained to me thru counseling. 

My counselor believes my husband's connection to women and his inability to be intimate has to do with the relationship he formed in his early years with his sisters. We have been married 21 year. He was not the type to date as a teen and has been a hands-off type. He was married before I met him but I think this odd behavior that you cannot pinpoint is what tore them apart. He is emotionally distant but had a fixation for porn. I was the one going to him and he would oblige but it felt empty. I thought when he finally got rid of the porn it would fix the issue but it did not.

For any man to tell his wife that she is not as sexy as the women in the porn videos I think is a man who is living a very unrealistic view of life.


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## notmarriedyet

MelodyAnn said:


> Dear notmarriedyet,
> 
> I just want to say that I am so, so, soooo proud of you!!! Proud of your strength as a woman, your ability to pull it together, and your resolve to stay firm on your course to leave this abusive relationship. You are so smart to catch on to the program, and realize what your former boyfriend is truly about. To see the writing on the wall is half the battle. So many times we women see the writing on the wall but pull the blinders over our eyes because the truth is too painful, and also because we can be forgiving to a fault, to our own detriment. Never forget your mantra "I am not a fool." Keep repeating that to yourself whenever you feel yourself giving in slightly to his insincere excuses and deceptions.
> 
> I think you are one really smart cookie :smthumbup: Don't let his pleading wear you down or break your newfound mental resolve that is guided by your internal compass of values. You know what you want out of a marriage, and he does not and cannot provide that. Highly doubtful that he will ever be able to provide that to any woman, ever. But what happens to him won't be your problem anymore.
> 
> He begs and pleads for you to stay, while he continues the abusive behavior of blaming _you_ for his cheating, ( and, yes it's definitely one type of cheating.) It's called blame-shifting, and it is classic abuser behavior. He tries to shift the blame to you for _his_ bad behavior. The same pattern of blame-shifting is common with physical abusers who hit their partner and say "it was her fault I hit her because she did ____ (fill in the blank)." Whether it's physical or emotional abuse, abusers commonly use the same tactic of trying to make their victims feel accountable for the abuser's wrongdoings because abusers do not have the strength or self-esteem to accept accountability for their own actions and to _own_ their own mistakes. You need to run from this person as quickly as possible! I understand you are in a lease, but the longer you stay in the same household, the longer he has to try to systematically undermine your thinking. His attempts to blame-shift are so pathetic too! He had to turn to porn because you didn't do it with him in some stone shower?? "Give me a freaking break", I would say to him while I paused to make myself puke! Every excuse he gave for porn is pathetic and it only underlines his pattern of emotional abuse in trying to make you accountable for his acts of betrayal, while the accountability is fully his. *What a sorry excuse for a man.* I'm sorry to be so harsh, but men like that really turn me off, really really bad.
> 
> Once again, I am so happy for you that you plan to leave this relationship and this person who will only harm your self-esteem. You will become so much happier when you don't have to see him daily and deal with this ugly stress he creates in your life. He does nothing to promote your inner peace, and I believe you've realized that life with him will be a life lived on the edge of chaos and uncertainty, where you'll often catch him going back on his promises to change. The rest of the time you'll be wondering if he is telling the truth and just covering his tracks better. You can't ever trust this person, nor should you even try, in my humble opinion.
> 
> Will keep on sending you good wishes and prayers
> 
> MelodyAnn



Thank you so much Melody Ann  

Your words and advice encourage me and lift my spirits. I appreciate it so very much!

He keeps texting me, "I'm sorry" 
But I respond, 
"Why are YOU sorry? YOU said that my actions are what have caused you to do what you did. So clearly, you think that your turning to porn is all my fault. So it's on my shoulders. So please, don't apologize. It's all my fault, you said it yourself!" 

He replies with, "that's not true."

But it is true. He most definitely IS blaming ME for his porn use. No way out of yet another lie now. Now he's trying to think of another excuse. 

I can't believe he's done this to me. Our relationship was great. Everything was perfect, until I found out about this. I also told him that we'd still be progressing along had I never found out. It makes my stomach turn to know that I could have very well married this man completely unaware of what was going on. 

Well, that's not entirely true, because I have that women's intuition, my "gut feeling" and it is NEVER WRONG. My gut never fails me. 

It told me something was off, and it was most definitely off. 

I just cannot get over his weak excuses. More smacks to my face. If he truly loved me he would own his problem instead of trying to make me feel like sh!t about it. SMH

Thanks for letting me vent everyone.  

I need it, and this place is awesome and I appreciate everyone's support.


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## MelodyAnn

notmarriedyet said:


> Thank you so much Melody Ann
> 
> Your words and advice encourage me and lift my spirits. I appreciate it so very much!
> 
> He keeps texting me, "I'm sorry"
> But I respond,
> "Why are YOU sorry? YOU said that my actions are what have caused you to do what you did. So clearly, you think that your turning to porn is all my fault. So it's on my shoulders. So please, don't apologize. It's all my fault, you said it yourself!"
> 
> He replies with, "that's not true."
> 
> But it is true. He most definitely IS blaming ME for his porn use. No way out of yet another lie now. Now he's trying to think of another excuse.
> 
> I can't believe he's done this to me. Our relationship was great. Everything was perfect, until I found out about this. I also told him that we'd still be progressing along had I never found out. It makes my stomach turn to know that I could have very well married this man completely unaware of what was going on.
> 
> Well, that's not entirely true, because I have that women's intuition, my "gut feeling" and it is NEVER WRONG. My gut never fails me.
> 
> It told me something was off, and it was most definitely off.
> 
> I just cannot get over his weak excuses. More smacks to my face. If he truly loved me he would own his problem instead of trying to make me feel like sh!t about it. SMH
> 
> Thanks for letting me vent everyone.
> 
> I need it, and this place is awesome and I appreciate everyone's support.


Dear NotMarriedYet,

You are being so strong in such a difficult situation! I can't help but be proud of your strength, and admire your resolve. You deserve to be proud of yourself too! Because you are not letting a very insincere, manipulative addict continue to take advantage of your good nature. Don't let this weak person, your now former boyfriend, attempt to chip away at your firmness in your decision to leave. He has tried to blame you for his addiction, and now that he sees you are too strong in your self-knowledge and self-esteem to accept such garbage talk, he is trying to back-pedal out of the blame he placed. Now he is going to try to say whatever he can to make you change your mind, but it is SOO manipulative, not the actions of an honest person fully committed to breaking a tough addiction. 
You say everything was perfect until this, but it really wasn't perfect when you think about it, from all you've said. Your gut intuition sensed something was off, and you are so very, very lucky to have discovered his big ugly secret now rather than after marriage and possibly children. He was willing to live a second life, keeping you completely in the dark if he could, all the while having superficial sex with other women through his internet sex addiction. You knew something was off because he could not connect with you on the deepest level sexually and emotionally. He could never fully open up his whole self to you. The sooner you leave this dysfunctional person, the sooner you will be available to find a man who can strongly connect with you emotionally and sexually, and be the kind of man worth marrying.
Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful weekend! Enjoy your kids, and enjoy some 'me' time too. Whatever you do, I hope you don't spend time with him. Focus on yourself and all the things you enjoy, so the old familiar things about the relationship don't tempt you to go back!

MelodyAnn


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## BruisedGirl

MelodyAnn said:


> Dear Bruised Girl,
> He said you are not sexy like the girls in porn????!!!!


_Yep, he did. He then "took it back" or "rephrased it." I know what he means. No, my body isn't as tight as it was when I was in my teens and twenties. But I still have it. I KNOW it's not MY fault that he looks at porn as often as he does. But the comments hurt, still. Much like notmarriedyet, it's so easy to own another's problem. He looks at porn because I am not x, y, or z. Not true. I finally get that._




> He doesn't deserve to ever touch you again if that's how he feels and has the nerve to say to you.


_He doesn't. But I let him. It was still new... the finding out, the fight, the crying, the begging, the pain of his words. I think I used the sex to feel better about myself. It didn't make me feel one way or the other. Things have changed since then and he hasn't touched me since._



> I really feel for you Bruised Girl! Don't let my anger toward your partner for disprespecting you be misunderstood as being directed to you in any way. I just don't want you to accept this kind of abuse from anybody in your life, especially a man who thinks he's earned the right to touch you.


_No offense taken. :smthumbup: The shock of all of this has worn off. I'm coping. Trying to figure out what to do, currently with myself. I'm in no position to pack the kids up and just go. I have given up hope that things will get better. He's a rug sweeper. Things happen, there's an "explosion" then crying, apologies, etc. He then wants all to go away as if it never happened. But each time my feelings change. I look at him differently. I no longer have the respect for him that I once had. I'm basically checked out. And all of a sudden he wants to tune in. _


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## ChaoticSanity

I too am in this same situation, NotMarried ..... In fact, the 'BetterHalf' stumbled across this thread (knowing I have an account) and swore up and down that this thread HAS TO BE ABOUT HIM and that I must be you.

All laughter set aside he sat down and read through the entire post and seemed to have gained a more "open-eyed view" of how it must feel to be me in this horribly nervewracking situation his lack of control and honesty had created within our relationship.

THANK YOU !!! For having the courage to post your story and openly discuss it with those willing to offer their advice. It is extremely hard for me to just sit down and type it all out without an emotional breakdown or anxiety getting me to a point where I feel I am no longer making sense. Luckily for me, I have you to 'live vicariously through' (postwise) until I am able to work up my courage enough to post my own situations and complications.

<3 Your Chicken-S**t Admirer,
ChaoticSanity


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## notmarriedyet

ChaoticSanity said:


> I too am in this same situation, NotMarried ..... In fact, the 'BetterHalf' stumbled across this thread (knowing I have an account) and swore up and down that this thread HAS TO BE ABOUT HIM and that I must be you.
> 
> All laughter set aside he sat down and read through the entire post and seemed to have gained a more "open-eyed view" of how it must feel to be me in this horribly nervewracking situation his lack of control and honesty had created within our relationship.
> 
> THANK YOU !!! For having the courage to post your story and openly discuss it with those willing to offer their advice. It is extremely hard for me to just sit down and type it all out without an emotional breakdown or anxiety getting me to a point where I feel I am no longer making sense. Luckily for me, I have you to 'live vicariously through' (postwise) until I am able to work up my courage enough to post my own situations and complications.
> 
> <3 Your Chicken-S**t Admirer,
> ChaoticSanity


Ah I am so sorry to hear you're in the same situation, it's very hurtful & painful. I know. 

You're not chicken sh!t at all! It's painful to write out these things. It took me almost a week to respond to you. :/

Anyway, I will be thinking of ya & wishing you the best. Feel free to PM me anytime you need, I'm here. 

Glad I could help you, even if it does suck. 

Currently, I'm just sad, sad, sad. I feel like I've been tricked (no, I HAVE been tricked) into a fairy tale relationship. Everything was perfect except for sex. So at first, I let it go & chalked it up to inexperience. 

He would give anything my heart desired. Cuddling, lots of intimate moments, etc. as long as it wasn't SEX. 

I feel like a roommate who occasionally cuddles & makes out. If that's what he had in mind, he shoulda said so. I made it clear I couldn't get enough. 

He should have let me be. 

Now I'm sad for it to be over. His desires will never change. I cannot magically become his desire. Simple as that. He will always have to fulfill that somewhere else. To me, that's cheating. Cut and dry. And I'm not willing to live with it or give myself to him ever again. In any intimate way. 

I just feel tricked & betrayed. I'm over it. It will take a while to heal, but I have no choice - I have to accept the situation for what it is. That's all.


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## MelodyAnn

Dear NotMarriedYet,

I just read your post and my heart breaks for you! It is always hard to lose a relationship that had some good in it. It is a grieving process, just like when someone we love dies. But, you will heal! _You_ will surely heal, as you have a remarkably resilient spirit, that's very evident in your last post. You are already coming to terms with the loss and accepting reality. That is an incredibly important step in the grieving process. The heavy sadness and feelings of depression will pass. Little by little, it will lift, and the sun will shine brightly again in your vision.

And, when the healing is more complete, you will feel an incredible sense of relief over dodging the bullet that your wisdom and intuition allowed you to achieve. You are so wise in your realizations expressed above! That wisdom will enable a more speedy recovery for you. I pray for the inner peace and joy to return to your life.

Wishing you all the best!

Melody Ann

P.S. If you ever need a little emotional support, feel free to message me


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## notmarriedyet

I appreciate that very much!! More than you know


----------

