# Am I Cold-Hearted For Not Showing Compassion towards In-Laws?



## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Being married now for 5 1/2 yrs, things are still the same with the in-laws. I never met my in-laws before getting married because they did not want to meet me. DH was married before and I guess in-laws thought I would be just like his ex. His fallout with family was due him marrying me and it might sound harsh, but, it was wayyyyy better that way for the first 2 years.

Feeling guilty, I made the move 2 1/2 years ago to reach out to his mom, dad, brother and sister (who all, by the way, live together due to ailing health of his parents) and he regained his relationship with them. I, on the other hand, do not like them at all but I am cordial. Since his regained relationship with them, he expects much more from me now (see them more often, call them on the phone, talk to his mom, etc). Just for the record, his parents as well as his place of work are close to each other, but, we live about an hour and 15 minutes from them. So yes, that means DH's drive to and from work is a little over an hour each way (almost 2 hrs on the way home).

DH has been staying at his parents house with his brother and sister Thurs-Sat for the last 4 months. About 4 months ago, his father was put into a rehab due to him being in an accident where he was a pedestrian and was struck by a car. His mother was admitted into the hospital for a high risk surgery to remove her gallbladder (which was the size of a grapefruit) . She has other health issues including a bad heart, diabetes and low kidney function. She had the surgery on Monday and they tried to take her off of the ventilator but she was not responding positively. They are going to try to take her off of the ventilator again tomorrow. Both of them are in their mid 70's.

DH is now arguing with me that I am heartless and not compassionate at all because I do not want to go down and see them when "HE" wants me to. He said that his sister should not of had to ask me if I wanted to come down and see MIL & FIL, that I should have just said that I am coming down. I tried to tell him that there are days when the hospital staff does not want his mom to have any company so she relaxes and gets rest so we get a good outcome and hopefully she can breathe on her own. He does not want to hear any of that. Also, I cannot go down there with my very old unreliable car. DH would have to be here to take me. I mentioned that we can go next Saturday but he would not be able to work any OT. He argued with me and he was not having it that he would miss any work cause I cannot get down there to see them. He also knows that this Sunday I have a safety course I signed up for over a month ago. He told me that the safety course is more important to me than his mother. 

It is a no-win situation and do not know what to do. I mentioned to him that it's ok that no family came to see you when you were medi-vaced and flown by helicopter to a trauma center when you were in that bad car accident but I am the heartless one? His answer was "you always put down my family". I was ready to SCREAM!!

Sorry so long but if ya need more info. as we go along, I will give it. I am just at my wits-end and refuse to continue to live my life according what happens to his family. A family that I do not even get along with. Advice Please!!!!


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

It sounds like he needs you there for him and he's making it about them. Being taken off a ventilator is kind of a big deal.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'd do it... for him. Not for them.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

My wife is a saint for putting up with my mother. Mom just has a real hard time with her sons having another woman in their lives that are more important than her. My sister-in-law on the other hand has decided years ago that she will have no more of my mother. When my brother came to me and told me what was going on and that it was a real problem is his marriage – I told him that he left Mom and Dad and married his wife and that they are now one – his priority is to his wife and if she did not want to associate with Mom, then that was that – you cannot demand that your wife love or even tolerate your mother. I also told him that placing his mother above his wife was a dishonor to our Father – who has always put my mom above everyone even his kids – that was the example our Dad gave and we need to follow in respect of our Father. I think my sister-in-law has seen my Mon four times in the last 10 years – every time they are together, my Mom just cannot help herself and say’s something to piss my sister-in-law off. My brother just travels to my parents with his only child about twice a year and spends about a week at a time without his wife being there. That seems to work fine.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You didn't have to marry him because you marry a package, family included. You did. He is having a hard time, his parents are also suffering profound problems. Let's put aside petty grievances and hopefully you can be there to help your husband.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Aspydad said:


> My wife is a saint for putting up with my mother. Mom just has a real hard time with her sons having another woman in their lives that are more important than her. My sister-in-law on the other hand has decided years ago that she will have no more of my mother. When my brother came to me and told me what was going on and that it was a real problem is his marriage – I told him that he left Mom and Dad and married his wife and that they are now one – his priority is to his wife and if she did not want to associate with Mom, then that was that – you cannot demand that your wife love or even tolerate your mother. I also told him that placing his mother above his wife was a dishonor to our Father – who has always put my mom above everyone even his kids – that was the example our Dad gave and we need to follow in respect of our Father. I think my sister-in-law has seen my Mon four times in the last 10 years – every time they are together, my Mom just cannot help herself and say’s something to piss my sister-in-law off. My brother just travels to my parents with his only child about twice a year and spends about a week at a time without his wife being there. That seems to work fine.


I am glad that it is working out for both you and your brothers marraiges. My DH could care less! He goes where he is needed and that's that! He feels obligated because his younger brother has mental issues and his older sister is stuck taking care of them (even though they both still live with the parents BY CHOICE!!!) His sister is single and will be for the rest of her life. DH has told me that if his sister ever needs him, he will be there. Also please note that we do not have any children so he really has no responsibilities here other than being a husband to me (which he has failed at greatly). He thinks that bringing home the bacon is good enough.

Now, I am not saying that he cannot be with his family during this crisis but staying down at his parents house 3 days a week until it gets better (or, I hate to say this, gets worse) is getting old. He has been doing this now for 4 months and I do not see this stopping anytime soon. When I mentioned to him that when he left mommy and daddy and married me that I am his priority, he agreed. But it seems that since I can take care of the household myself while he is taking care of family issues, he does not have to worry about me. This leads to me *NOT* being his priority and now he can be the so-called "good son".


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> You didn't have to marry him because you marry a package, family included. You did. He is having a hard time, his parents are also suffering profound problems. Let's put aside petty grievances and hopefully you can be there to help your husband.


Yes I did but that does not mean that I am FORCED in any way to like them or be buddy-buddy with them. To get respect ya gotta give it and they have none whatsoever for me. Don't get me wrong, in the beginning I tried my heart out but they just continued to belittle me and always found a way to get under my skin. As long as they get what they want and their selfish needs are being met, that's all that matters to them. And by them I mean all of them, including his siblings!

It is also belittling when your husband does not stand behind you and questions you in front of his parents just to make himself look good. And when your wife is being treated unfairly and is being disrepected and you, her husband, does nothing and tells you later "I didn't get involved cause I know you can take care of yourself"...I'm sorry but I am *NOT* a punching bag and I am not there for you and your family's amusement! What DH did to me is just as bad as punching me in the face....abuse is abuse!

So, now that I have more info., do you still think of this as petty? I sure as hell do not!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I haven't checked your prior posts but didn't you post last year about this? Sounds very familiar. If that was you, sounds like nothing's changed.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Your resentment is at him more so than them. Why? Because he didn't stand up for you over the years, didn't prioritize you and essentially chose to live with them during the work week. Their behavior is theirs; you're not married to them, but to him.

That said....suck it up and go visit, but ask for a hotel room instead of staying at their house. Invite him to stay there with you so you can be there for _him_ while he gets a break from the familial responsibility.

You're confusing compassion and respect; they're two completely different things and right now you're angry & not wanting to give them either one. This isn't about their petty needs: it's about their health. Years of their selfishness has taken its toll on you, but right now isn't the time to stomp your feet and demand respect. You've had years to do that. Your H has not chosen to respect you (with his time or by defending you to them), and you haven't chosen to uphold a boundary which garners respect...and now you're nearly throwing out ultimatums.

This cannot end well unless you become the bigger person and simply treat them with the same compassion and respect you would give an elderly stranger.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sorry but my dad had major surgery early in the year. We live an hour away. I came when it was convenient but I had no expectation of my wife being there. What? So she could see him on major drugs and out of his mind? No need. 

Now when my Mom had cancer a few years ago and we though it was the last time we would ever see her at the hospital then yes my wife came. I agree with the be there for your husband but lets face it you have no relationship with the in laws.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

STORMCHASER said:


> I never met my in-laws before getting married because they did not want to meet me.


I have never heard of such a thing. It's beyond ridiculous. 

You mentioned the husband insulting you in front of them too, in order to "score points". I'd have made that into a major issue requiring an apology in front of them. But you have allowed it to go way too far now and their expectations are for you to continue being a second class citizen.

It's pretty simple to say "no".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is trying to use you to make himself look good to his family. Ask him why you would want to accommodate a person who belittles you to score points with his parents and doesn't defend you?

This is an excellent example of why spouses shouldn't try to manage the other's FOO problems. Your husband was perfectly happy to have no relationship with his family until you opened Pandora's box. Live and learn.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband was perfectly happy to have no relationship with his family until you opened Pandora's box. Live and learn.


I was actually sick and tired of hearing him complaining about it. Almost every other day and it was getting monotonous until I just told him to call them and get it over and done with. I thought I was doing the right thing, for I do not a have the choice of having a relationship with my parents. They passed when they were both only 59 of different cancers within 3 years of each other. I was only in my late 20's.

Thinking I was doing the right thing has bit me in the azz on top of everything else that has transpired.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

TikiKeen said:


> Your H has not chosen to respect you (with his time or by defending you to them), and you haven't chosen to uphold a boundary which garners respect...and now you're nearly throwing out ultimatums.


I tried to set boundaries and tell him how I feel about it and he refuses anything that I mention to him. He said he does not believe in boundaries and I said "ok, so that goes both ways right?" He did not answer me. 

I just mentioned to him yesterday that he is down there with his sister and brother for 3 days in a row and Sunday should be our time together. It doesn't matter if we sit at home and do nothing, watch a movie, etc but if his sister calls the house on a Sunday just to shoot the **** cause she has no life, he should let it go to voicemail and call her at a later time. I mean for Christ's sake, ya just left there 18-24hrs ago and she is already bothering us?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Feeling guilty, I made the move 2 1/2 years ago to reach out to his mom, dad, brother and sister (who all, by the way, live together due to ailing health of his parents) and he regained his relationship with them."

So, you didn't reach out. You gave your husband permission to reach out.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

STORMCHASER said:


> He said he does not believe in boundaries


You'll find that once you pack your bags and walk out the door, they start believing in boundaries.

Until that time, sure - they are nonexistent.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

STORMCHASER said:


> I am glad that it is working out for both you and your brothers marraiges. My DH could care less! He goes where he is needed and that's that! He feels obligated because his younger brother has mental issues and his older sister is stuck taking care of them (even though they both still live with the parents BY CHOICE!!!) His sister is single and will be for the rest of her life. DH has told me that if his sister ever needs him, he will be there. Also please note that we do not have any children so he really has no responsibilities here other than being a husband to me (which he has failed at greatly). He thinks that bringing home the bacon is good enough.
> 
> Now, I am not saying that he cannot be with his family during this crisis but staying down at his parents house 3 days a week until it gets better (or, I hate to say this, gets worse) is getting old. He has been doing this now for 4 months and I do not see this stopping anytime soon. When I mentioned to him that when he left mommy and daddy and married me that I am his priority, he agreed. But it seems that since I can take care of the household myself while he is taking care of family issues, he does not have to worry about me. This leads to me *NOT* being his priority and now he can be the so-called "good son".



You really need to communicate this with your husband. Maybe just ask him, why do you put your parents before me? If he says because you are supposed to honor your parents, then you need to remind him that the way to honor your parents is to put your wife first - not, by putting her down.

I can see that this is a major problem - you really need to confront him and let him know your position on this clearly.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Have you all gone to MC? What does he say if you bring it up? Do you go to IC yourself? With the level of anger you have, I'm not sure you two can sit down and have a non-explosive confrontation/conversation in the middle of this crisis.

You've acquiesced for years, and now that it's truly about a serious issue, you're choosing then to re-hash years' worth of resentments, failed boundaries and anger with him. 

Yes, he should have always put you first.
Yes, boundaries are for you, not for him, and you simply uphold them or not. He doesn't get to have a choice in choosing to 'honor' your boundaries. When he crosses them, you can then take action.


When you talk to him directly, do you use some of the words and phrasing that you've used in describing this to us, like "...left mommy and daddy"?


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

TikiKeen said:


> He doesn't get to have a choice in choosing to 'honor' your boundaries. When he crosses them, you can then take action.
> 
> 
> When you talk to him directly, do you use some of the words and phrasing that you've used in describing this to us, like "...left mommy and daddy"?



What do you mean exactly when you say "He doesn't get to have a choice in choosing to 'honor' your boundaries?" I mean what kind of action are you talking about that I can take to make a difference? :scratchhead: A simple example is that on Saturday nights, all I ask is for him to leave his parents house at a decent hour (like around 9pm, which to me is late if he has 1 1/4 hr drive home). It worked I think once and after that, he kept on leaving later and later. I questioned him and he said there should be no time limit on visiting family and he will leave when he is done helping out and visiting his parents. When he prances in the door late at night (sometimes after midnight) it disrupts the household (my kids have four legs) and being here alone I really do not like it when he comes in that late.

Also, to answer your question about phrasing. I have used such words but not in a looooong time. I say "parents" or mom and dad.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Don't do for him what he can and should do for himself.

You can't control him, but you can control how you respond when he comes home late, or says you 'have' to be there to support him as he over-extends himself and ignores you.

Maybe think about "what can i do differently to make sure I protect myself without relying on him to do that right now?" He's not wanting to do that, and only he can decide to. You can live well regardless of what he does. 

I say that not to be harsh, and knowing we each have different circumstance, but also knowing how many years I fretted away with worry, with anger and with insisting my own H come around emotionally. I can't get back that wasted time or lost friendships. If I can help you not have to live that way, it's worth being blunt. 

I wasted years of my marriage being bitter instead of living with joy regardless of my H's actions.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Aspydad said:


> You really need to communicate this with your husband. Maybe just ask him, why do you put your parents before me?


I asked him this and his answer was "Well if you feel that way then I cannot help you. Right now my parents and my family need me and I am going to do what I can. That is what a good son does." Then I said "Well, a good husband would consider his wife's feelings in all of this and be able to balance it all out." He says I do not understand and he is doing the best he can.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

TikiKeen said:


> Don't do for him what he can and should do for himself.
> 
> You can't control him, but you can control how you respond when he comes home late, or says you 'have' to be there to support him as he over-extends himself and ignores you.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your bluntness and being harsh, but, can you give me examples of what you have done?


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

You need to enforce your boundaries. You say you have four-legged kids -- think about it like training a dog. Reward (whatever he likes - acts of service, words of affirmation, affection, etc) good behavior, discourage unwanted behavior.

You have asked him to get home by, I guess, 10:15PM on Saturdays, and he has broken that boundary many times. You need to reiterate your boundary: something like, "I understand that you want to help your family, but I need you to leave by 9PM. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you leave on time." THEN, if and when he violates that boundary, it needs to come with a consequence, whatever makes sense -- not making an evening snack for him, going to bed promptly at 10:15 and shutting him out, etc. You also need to voice your displeasure, as soon as reasonably possible, at his disrespect of your boundaries, which constitutes nothing less than an absolute invalidation of your needs. 

Boundaries must come with consequences. Otherwise, they're just empty threats and/or nagging. You are the only one who can create and uphold a boundary in your relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job? Or are you a house wife?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

From previous threads, SC was looking for work. Hopefully something has come along since the last thread.

I don't really see a whole lot of future for you here. If it's not one thing that he puts as a higher priority in his life, it'll be another. It's the way he thinks. Everything else is a higher priority than you.

It's been a long time between your posts and nothing has improved. I don't believe you will ever be his first priority. Some spouses live with that and can find their own path, others (and I'm one of them), expect to always come first for their partner, that's what marriage means to us. You married a person who was incompatible with you in this regard. He has never once displayed anything that would indicate any different. 

He refuses to change as he sees absolutely no problem on his end, and this is technically correct. His way is not necessarily the 'wrong' way, it's just not the way that will result in you and he having a successful relationship (he'll probably never actually have one to be honest). He seems prepared to carry this through until either you change your own expectations of a marriage, or you throw in the towel.

I simply do not believe you can change the way he fundamentally *is*. This is him, this has always been him. You made the choice to marry a man who would never put you first. Today it's his parents, tomorrow it'll be his brother, then next his sister. If they all suddenly dropped off the planet, it'd be work, or friends or that rock over there.

I usually believe people can work through their problems, but usually you have to come from a place where at one point you really were compatible. It doesn't sound like you and your husband were ever compatible.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

dignityhonorpride said:


> You need to enforce your boundaries. You say you have four-legged kids -- think about it like training a dog. Reward (whatever he likes - acts of service, words of affirmation, affection, etc) good behavior, discourage unwanted behavior.
> 
> Boundaries must come with consequences. Otherwise, they're just empty threats and/or nagging. You are the only one who can create and uphold a boundary in your relationship.


I have never really thought about it that way, for my "natural" reaction is to tell him my displeasure and then just give him the silent treatment. I guess he is just so use to it, I bet he says to himself _"oh well, what is the worst that can happen? The silent treatment?"_

I will work on this and change it up a bit. Other than my "natural" reaction, I guess not making dinner, doing his laundry or picking up that prescription he asked me to get will have to be put into the "mix".


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Did you know that some consider the silent treatment a form of mental abuse? You need to work on clearly and calmly expressing your expectations. Dying parents can have an impact on a person for years after the event. Grief has many stages and you should look them up. You need to support your husband the best you can but let him know that if he chooses to spend days at his parents house while his wife is home alone he doesn't have the right to dictate what you do with your time.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> Dying parents can have an impact on a person for years after the event. Grief has many stages and you should look them up.


I do not need to look them up, for I am still feeling the impact of losing BOTH of my parents within 3 years of each other due to cancer. They were both only 59 and this occurred 14 years ago (I was much younger then). I am more than experienced in this life event that hits us all.

I agree in regards to if he chooses to leave me at home while spending days at his parents, he has no say in what I do with my time. This has never been an issue. The issue is more or less dividing his time generously with his wife (me). He has 3 siblings that also have responsibilities to the parents. I also make it easy on him because I can take care of the house without being the so-called "needy wife" and I am not talking about household chores. I'm talking about a leaky faucet, replacing a sump pump, simple electrical, etc.

My father always taught me to never lose my independence to anyone and that includes a man, for you can never count on a man. I didn't believe him but unfortunately, DH is making me think otherwise.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If they treat you badly I wouldn't want anything to do with them either. However you might want to support your husband by going once in a while. If they start belittling you leave. You shouldn't have to put up with that.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

This is just an update as to what has been going on since my last post.

MIL passed away on Memorial day. I was there for DH and his sister as much as possible. His way of thinking and his attitude has not changed. That was to be expected but again. not to the point of belittling your wife or making me feel guilty. Simply put, I did not feel comfortable driving his sisters car to get his father at the rehab. First of all it is a very small car and second of all, I just felt uncomfortable driving someone else's car. I would have felt this way about anyone asking me to drive someones car that does not belong to me. DH made me feel like an ass and guilty that I did not want to help out, that I am making it worse for his sister by not wanting to help out with this small favor, etc. So DH put me into the position of looking like the "BAD GUY" if I refused to help. I helped in ways that his own family either refused to or just did not want to. This does not matter, for whatever I did to help out was overlooked or not good enough and then I was crucified for what I did not do. Is this normal behavior? Maybe to some under these circumstances but to the majority, no it is not. Any outside help from family or friends in a time of need is greeted with gratitude and thankfulness, no matter WHAT you do to help or contribute. Even if it is not shown right away due to the circumstances and grief they are going through, you would think it would come sooner or later. His sister thanked me but DH thinks it is my DUTY more or less, even when he knows I do not get along with them.

In the meantime, I am taking things day by day. He continues to think that by coming home real late at night is not a big deal cause he goes and sees his dad now in the rehab 2x a week and still stays overnight at his parents/sisters every other weekend. I have tried the "consequences" approach and it does not phase him. I stopped cooking during the week cause I told him I never know when he is going to be coming home so I am not going to cook. He just eats cereal or makes a tv dinner. He tells me he is going to be late and to make sure I give him money for gas. I stopped doing that so instead of going straight to the gas station, he now comes home to get the money and then goes and gets gas. Seems like whatever I do it does not phase him. Either he is that stupid or he is that uncaring. If I do not do it, he knows it will get done cause then he will go do it. In the meantime I will have to be creative or start thinking about what the next step should be.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Here's my theory: they never wanted to meet you because they had no intention to give up their son to someone else. Their family dynamic does not sound normal or healthy -- very controlling and not accepting that your husband is your husband now and not just their son/brother. I realize there are different cultural levels of attachment to family and different kinds of families, but what bothers me is not just that your husband sounds more committed to them than to you, but that he pits them against you (and they pit him against you).


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Just an update as to what has been going on since my last post.

FIL is now permanently in a rehab and sadly will never be coming home due to his deteriorating health. In the meantime, DH has now extended his time down at his parents (sisters) place. He is now down there every-other weekend for 4 days while they go through putting the house up for sale so his parents assets can go towards the long-term care his father needs. He is also down there to pack, give away and sell what they can along with moving his brother and sister to an apartment starting on Sept. 5th. I have been more than understanding and supportive during this process, but, even after this is all said and done, I do not think things are going to change that much.

Even before they decided to put the house up for sale, DH came to me asking me about his visitation with his sister & brother. I thought to myself "boy, it would be nice if he thought about me and our marriage like that"! Anyway, I told him straight out that once all of this is said and done, that he needs to split it 50/50 with his sister. I will not accept anything less. He can go down there once a month and then she can come up here once a month so they can see each other a total of two times a month. I called his sister and told her straight out as well. They both agreed but I do not see this working out at all. His sister being in her late 40's with a younger brother living together on their own for the first time in an apartment whining, complaining and being needy with my DH feeling obligated to take care of their problems or any issues cause "it's the right thing to do".

I already have resentment towards him & we never went to marriage counseling. I do not think that will help if you are not willing to change (not on my end, but on his). I have to do some investigating as far as divorce/separation laws in my state. I only work part-time and all of the bills are in my name (except his car payment) and this is my house. There is no way I can afford all these bills by myself. Just do not know where to go from here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband isn't going to change. He's told you many times this is who he is. His family, not his wife, is first. 

Sounds like the first step for you would be a full-time job.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Get a full-time job and a roommate. How did you qualify for a mortgage if you can't afford it? Were you working FT before?

I didn't see your thread back in May but I think you should have sucked it up and made the in-laws a priority - doesn't sound like they'll be around long. But brother and sister need to grow up. It doesn't sound like they will. It was very generous of you to reach out to them, but seems to have back-fired. I'd say it's time to tell H that you no longer feel you are a priority and when you two first married you were. Now that you opened the door to the family, they have taken over your marriage and see if he will agree to go to marriage counseling. If he agrees and goes, keep a wait-and-see attitude. If he doesn't, ask for a divorce and ask him to be patient with you while you get a FT job and look for a roommate - see if he will agree to continuing to help pay bills for 3 months, etc. It's obvious he will just live with his siblings near his job.


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