# Ready to throw her under the bus



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I am growing daily, and I now look forward to my divorce date like a little kid longs for Christmas morning. However, one large problem remains.

In my STBX's past life, she was a fantastic mom. Just in case you're wondering dear TAM readers; no I do not believe in reincarnation. I have just taken to referring to the person she was as her "past life". For whatever reason, it seems to lend clarity to my thoughts.

Anyway, in her past life she was admired for her nurturing and selfless nature. In her present life, I frankly despise her for the selfish and heartless b*tch she has become. I guess what I'm trying to say readers is that I've grown weary of ascribing benign motives to her hurtful actions to both my kids and our friends/acquaintances.

I do show restraint, like last Sunday when my STBX said she had "plans" and didn't want to spend any time on my 8 year old daughters birthday with her. However, as I've said I'm growing weary of being her "PR agent". 

To my inner circle of friends and my teenagers, I am already taking about she's doing without the benefit of a sugar coating. Next year, or even next month, I don't think I'll be telling Sarah that this is a good thing her mom is "busy" as we get to celebrate her B-Day again. 

Thoughts on how to handle this TAM readers? P.S. if you say "take the high road"; please have the courtesy to Map Quest it for me so I can find it. I get lost easy.

LIL


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hi LIL.

You still have to work on letting go of the pent up anger. Hey I'm in NO way sayign she does not deserve it... but YOU DONT.

It sucks you down in many ways. Yep she sure as hell is not perfect but hey... thats why she is STBX.

Accept who she changed into, and focus on kids and dating and whatever your hobbies are.

No simple recipe. If you cant avoid getting angry when you think of her now... (i hope you can). I hope it fades naturally for you as quick as possible. She's taken enough of your time. 
Take it all back. Your time now is yours. (and your kids).

all the best LIL


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Oh and NEVER disparage her to the kid(s). 
Ever.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*Oh and NEVER disparage her to the kid(s). 
Ever. *

Hmmm, do you think they haven't noticed that she had the police wrongfully remove them from their home? That she turned their dog into animal control? That she is carrying on openly in an adulterous affair with a 60 year old neighbor? That she refuses to work either inside or outside of the home? That she's confused and combative. That she drinks daily. I could go on, but I won't. 

For the record though 63V, the feeling I'm specifically experiencing is frustration, more so than just anger. I am still willingly "locked" into the responsible role of parent and provider, while she is out being "useless". If you want to go, then go with my blessing, just let me rebuild our children's lives. 

In the interim, she has control via the courts of the majority of our assets that I need to perform my job properly e.g. the 5 bedroom house, and the van. My secret agent car doesn't exactly seat 7. 

Anyway, I'll have closure in 11 little days. The clock is running dear, enjoy it while you can. Next month...no check. I hope you like living with your mom. 

LIL


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Thanks cool on what the kids can see. That kinda what i meant. Let them draw their own conclusion.

SO... this is just a vent right? 

Seems, like you said, her time is coming soon.

again all the best bub.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I have let them draw their own conclusions 63V, but they ask questions that deserve answers. I'm just tired of running flack.

LIL


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hey LIL, it will get better after the divorce. Two strategys I'm using now seem to work:

If my daughter wants to know why Mom is doing something crazy, I tell her I have no clue and for her to talk to her Mom. I will not engage or try to explain anything that her mother is doing.

Limit all contact and communication that way I truly have no clue what my Ex is up to. From here on out my Ex has become "persona non grata". I will not answer her calls or her numerous text messages. To protect myself and my daughter, I can no longer care what my Ex does - she no longer exists.

She got my retirement and my money along with the pound of flesh, she trampled my trust, love and loyalty and she can have nothing else.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

“Ready to throw her under the bus”.

Now you have Man’s Anger. I truly wish I didn’t know about this stuff but I do so wishing ain’t going to get me anywhere.

The level, intensity, of Anger that you feel does mean that it’s over. It means that the romance you had with your wife and what you felt as a husband to your wife is finished. It has ended.

It will take a roller coaster of emotions before you even begin to understand what that means to you.

I will tell you that your anger is there to protect you. Not your wife, not your children but You. You know that you are a very good, often exceptional Man and I know that too.

But it’s a bit of a bxggers mess. Not only must you keep on doing the right things by your children you must somehow find the time to take care of yourself. Think about it. And I know you know this. If you cannot take care of Your Self then you will be unable to take care of your children.

Where on Earth do you go from here. You need a break buddy Before You Break Down. Focus your resources on getting someone to look out for your kids so that you can take time out, 2 days, a week to look after yourself.

You need to regroup and re-energise by yourself and for yourself.

Bob


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*If my daughter wants to know why Mom is doing something crazy, I tell her I have no clue and for her to talk to her Mom. I will not engage or try to explain anything that her mother is doing.*

Thanks Notaclue. I tried this all weekend long and it's quite effective. It's not a side step, and yet it puts her in a place where she has to be accountable for her actions to our children.

AFEH, I appreciated your advice as well. I am not sure my anger is truly protective. I'm actually trying to dump it overboard, as I do not want to be left bitter and angry.

I am working on forgiveness, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It truly is moment by moment. I have to just let it go as I can't control the situation. This is also something new to my life. It's for the better though as I no longer love her. I just want to be free of entanglements, and be able to get on with living my life. 

I hope she finds what she is looking for. As a consulation prize, I'll gladly settle for a case of turtle wax and my six kids.

LIL


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your are handling this as best as you can! It all sucks and frankly there is no easy way!

The idea of making her accountable is best....don't make excuses for her, just allow the children to draw their own conclusions. 

Forgiveness is a process....some days you will still want to "throw her under a bus." 

Find some fun for yourself!  Treat yourself well...it's a stressful time.


----------



## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well I think you are doing pretty well, it is quite normal to go through the anger stage, just try not to vocialize it to your family and friends to much, that is hard to do but if you if you do vocialize it to much your loved ones will start avoiding you.

Venting here is a good thing to do. It must be very hard going through this and taking care of 6 kids, good luck


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've been wondering about this too. My 11 year old is really at odds with her mother, but she blames ME for causing the arguments - at least for now.

Sometimes when I'm mad I want to tell her "Daddy is mad at Mommy for some of the same reasons you are - I think she spends too much time on her iPhone and her computer. I also think that Mommy is talking to other men and lying to Daddy about it."

I don't F'in know. Sometimes I think a kernel of truth here and there would be just fine - like maybe just the first sentence about why I'm angry. Other times I think they'll figure it out for themselves. So far I've taken that "high road" too, but it gets harder and harder to stay on track.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi LIL,
With anger like many other emotions I guess in some ways it’s down to how we individually perceive it and what we do with it. My anger was of such an intensity that I knew my wife was in great danger from me. I had the fight or fly feeling and how on earth does a man fight physically with a woman?

So I flew. But even after we split my intense anger was still there, it lasted around 6 months. That was really new territory for me, a place I’ve never been before. It wasn’t a passive anger, it was an exceedingly active anger. So I had to work my way through it to let it go and be rid of it. I did that mainly with punch bags and a multigymn. They truly worked for me. I did actually think of printing off a photo and pinning it either to a punch bag or a dart board, but that just isn’t me. That’s way too gross for me and anyway my wife did not deserve that type of thing.

I’ve had nothing like you have going on in my life. If I were to let you know my problems you’d probably think I was kidding while I at the same time I know just how exceedingly subjective these things are.

It is so unfortunate that these things happen. For some of us, perhaps the majority of us, being “in love” turns into something so very different. So different that it’s way beyond our comprehension.

Where am I now? I’ve recognised that over the past 9 months I naturally developed different mantras. I hate the fing b. How could she do such things and a few more. Now a mantra I’ve been carrying for a while is “I was in love with her for who she was, I’m no longer in love with the woman she became”.

Right now that’s held me in a comfortable position for the past 4 weeks or so. I think that’s the way it’s going to be from now on but I don’t know, time will tell. I still get teary eyed when I think of the good times. I don’t think that’s ever going “to pass” and I really don’t want it to.

I truly wish you well on your new journey in your life. Do take exceptionally good care of your self, pay attention to who you are and take care your “self”.

Bob


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*“I was in love with her for who she was, I’m no longer in love with the woman she became”.*

Wow, AFEH. It's like having a conversation with myself. This is exactly how I've been describing things as of late. I also feel a sense of being "tired" of the crap,and just wanting to see some closure in my life. I think she is due for her epiphany.

We will see what today brings.

LIL


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Those types of thoughts mean we’ve “unlocked horns”. We’re no longer in the ring we’re out of it looking in. From that distant view point we’ve gained a whole new perspective and have compared something to other things so that it can be accurately and fairly judged.

We’ve been perceiving things for a long while and the time has come to make our judgement. “I was in love with her for who she was, I’m no longer in love with the woman she became” is one of the judgements. We play about with the judgement in our mind for a while, a day, week or a few months to see if the judgement really fits and if we are happy and content with it.

“Tired of the crap”. Four simple words but one heck of a lot of meaning. I think you’re still in the “acceptance phase”, because of the “I think she is due for her epiphany”. One day it will just not matter what she’s “due” and she’ll be like any other human you don’t really know but still wish well for.

Bob


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

You have something like 7 kids, right?

I am not trying to excuse her, as I know she's been unreasonable at times as mine has been, but I know my stb-x has to struggle with 3 kids sometimes, let alone 7.

If she didn't want to put a lot of energy into a b-day party for her daughter, it really may be okay, LIL. I don't know the story and how old she is and whatnot. . .but maybe she's exhausted.

I would actually just run PR for her and just say, "I thought I'd spend time with you and organize your b-day a little this year. Mom's tired" to your daughter. Focus on what your role can be as the non-custodial parent. That's a time when it's kind of a "pro" to be the N-CP - you just step up and be the hero.

"I can see mom was wayyyy too exhausted this year to do much for your b-day. I did this."

It's okay for kids to realize the world doesn't revolve around them.

In fact, I think a better lesson that we all could have learned in our marriage - children, my stb-x- and I, and the grandparents is the marriage was central and neglected. She ALWAYS, ALWAYS put the kids first. If we had a dog, I would have been lower than that (we actually did have one before the kids and I was lower). I would be kind of glad at this point if the stb-x learned the error of her ways and placed the bf first. A little hurt yes, but I guess I am callousing over. You will too eventually.


I'll never make that mistake again - putting my kids over my spouse or let my spouse make that mistake again.

'Cause I'll tell you - one day, your kids will be gone and it will be ci-r-nara, esp. w. boys.

Anyway, this may be tangential to your problem but those are my thoughts.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Scannerguard. :iagree: I have to laugh a little and shake my head. Sounds like my ex, the kid was always first, then the ex's mother and finally the dog. I was just the guy that brought home the paycheck and mowed the lawn and fixed things. Even though I was lower than the dog, the dog still liked me best.:smthumbup:


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Scannerguard,

*I would actually just run PR for her and just say, "I thought I'd spend time with you and organize your b-day a little this year. Mom's tired" to your daughter. Focus on what your role can be as the non-custodial parent. That's a time when it's kind of a "pro" to be the N-CP - you just step up and be the hero.*

I can't expect you to know my exact situation, but right now we both have three of our kids. I am a custodial parent. I have the older three. She has the younger three. The big difference is I work 50-55 hours a week in our clinic as well.

If anyone should be tired it should be me, but I'm fine. I can't imagine her 60 year old boyfriend is keeping her up too late at night.
I'm sure she's quite well rested. Fatigue isn't her issue; sanity is.

Anyway, yesterday minor's counsel gave me the nod for my other three pups. This means as of Monday, I will have primary custody of all six, and still be working full time in clinic. I'm fine. No fatigue here. Life is Good. My Jujitsu will likely suffer a bit, but that's a small price to pay for the gift of Fatherhood.

LIL


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

LIL,

Oh. . .you were actually doing a "split custody" at first - splitting the siblings up?

How was that working per se? Were you cool with that up til now? How about the wife? (setting her sanity aside)

It's an idea I have tossed around but my wife has been very resistant to. . .big age differences in all of the siblings.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

No SG, we weren't doing a split custody. She actually had our local police department remove them from their home because "the kids were out of control" about 6 weeks ago. Prior to that, I pretty much saw them only every other weekend, with the exception of my oldest son whom I trained with in the mornings and evening. 

Since we had joint custody, the older three came to me at that point. It was just one more outrageous act, one more bizarre behavior, but it was the one that seems to have "tipped" the scales of justice in my favor.

Anyway, I just signed the kick out order yesterday at my lawyer's office, and as of Monday I will have gotten my kids, house, dog, and life back.

LIL


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

lastinline said:


> Anyway, I just signed the kick out order yesterday at my lawyer's office, and as of Monday I will have gotten my kids, house, dog, and life back.
> 
> LIL


This is fantastic news, congrats!!!


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

New World for you. The dust does settle. My thoughts are with you. New challenges. Lost Love but you've done the right things by you.

Bob


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

lastinline said:


> Anyway, I just signed the kick out order yesterday at my lawyer's office, and as of Monday I will have gotten my kids, house, dog, and life back.


Fabulous news. Very happy for you.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Glad to hear things are falling into place for you and YOUR kids! And the dog too!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Not the sort of f*cking fight you ever want to have in the first place, let alone feel good about winning.

It sucks. I'm sorry LIL. Like everything with this whole stinking, messy, enterprise, I am both happy, and sorry for your circumstances.

Have some of my own emotions running high ... still.

I hope you are able to have some heart to heart with the kids, so that as a unit, you can re-establish a modicum of peace and routine for everybody's sake.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo - the path sucked - no doubt - but at least his kids have ended up in the right place.

Who knows - maybe one day his wife will figure out some of the damage she's done and find a way to make it up to these kids.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right?


What jack-a$$ said that? 

I agree, the right things are happening under the circumstances, but yeah, don't these circumstances just suck around the board?


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I agree, the right things are happening under the circumstances, but yeah, don't these circumstances just suck around the board?

Thanks Deejo, I'll take what I can get. Little victories are still victories.
Now is the time to hammer my swords back into plow shares and get on with rebuilding my life. 

Still though, I cannot even begin to describe the joy of having all of my children returned to me. 

LIL


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Congrats on getting the kids LIL.


----------

