# How hard is it to be a stay at home mom?



## Ihavequestions

I know being a stay at home mom is tough. We have a 2 year old with another kiddo on the way.

Overall, I think my wife kicks some serious butt. Our boy is a rockstar and is as happy & healthy as I could ever want him to be.

Is there something I don't quite understand?

Here's our scenario.

I run 3 virtual companies from home. We have a 7 figure net income. So, basically we're both here (3 with our son) all the time & we aren't running on a tight budget.

I work Mon-Fri from 5:30 am - 2 pm & have to travel about 4 days every other month.

We have:
Grocery Delivery Service
Bi-weekly housecleaning service
15 hrs/week - 'mother's helper' (basically babysitting/light housework)

After 2 pm I spend time with the family & several times a week I try to take my boy out for a few hours (just the two of us) so that my wife can get some extra downtime. On the weekend mornings, I try to convince him to go get a donut or bagel with me so that mom can get some extra rest as well.

Typically, my wife and I alternate who puts him to bed as it can drag on quite a bit.

Here's our ongoing battle...

Work can get stupid stressful. It has a ton of moving elements financially. It's fast paced. Employee BS frequently, etc.
I started out hinting, then directly asking, then beggning & now demanding -- An afternoon at home by myself once every 3 weeks.

I'm a stressed out introvert & just need some freaking alone time. 

I'm usually met with how she doesn't get any alone time (which she does... I frequently take him & she has a 'helper') & how hard it is being a SAHM.
And, if she needs more time, all she's gotta do is ask. Love my family.. love my son. I'm really happy to hit the park, store, feed the ducks, go to the zoo, etc.

I see that the little guy is demanding. I see that she's consistently tired. If the situation were reversed, I'd happily take off with him for an afternoon.

I don't care if we make dinner, order dinner, etc. There's no culinary demands on her.

What am I missing? How is this so hard? Am I being unreasonable? - She has a sister with 3 cousins just 30 min away. Go play... have dinner... buy them dinner.. I don't care.

Let me just sit & stare at the wall for an afternoon from time to time.

I think we have it easier in general than 99% of families & I've tried really hard to make being a SAHM as easy as I can for her. 

Am I missing something? Or, am I out of line in asking for some alone time?


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## threelittlestars

You are in line for asking your alone time, but it is also FAIR to grant her some alone time as well. It needs to be shared. 

I am a stay at home mom of three boys. The house CLEANING is seen as MY JOB, 
The lawn mowing IS MY JOB, (weeding, and planting flowers is seen as some sort of time off???) 
The fixing of anything that is broken is MY JOB. 
If there is car problems, it is MY JOB to fix it myself or GET it fixed. 
All laundry is my job. 
All cooking is MY JOB. 
All grocery shopping is MY JOB.
(and sometimes i resent this.) 

It works for some to have a straight and easy plan for who does what, but it is IMPORTANT to here and there offer to do any number of those things on the list, just to show you are a TEAM! 

Now as to being a SAHM... No it is not EASY, sometimes it can seem that way, but often it is mentally taxing, and socially painful. As a stay at home mom for 8 years I have been very lonely.... I have had severe depression, and not all of it is from just staying home. 

As you add more kids to the mix it WILL GET HARDER! Im up to three and I struggle EVERY DAY to keep the house tidy. I look around now and the house is a total complete disaster (I guess im failing at my SAHM duties, but you know what? Sometimes it is crutial to the health of a marriage to approach some things as a team. 

i GET YOUR ARGUMENT. totally do.... But you need to expel the concept that being a SAHM job is simple, not stressful, because it certainly can be. Sure some moms are just eating junk food and binging on their favorite shows.... But you would be able to tell she is doing that. Nothing would ever get done. 

Good luck mate. Just try to be gentile when you chat... This is HER JOB, she probably takes pride in it. NEVER minimize the work she is doing.


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## Ihavequestions

thanks for the response. I was never trying to imply that being a SAHM is not a difficult job. I recognize that it's hard and have always worked to try and make it easier (btw... cars are my responsibility too and we have a lawncare service that takes care of the yard. Although, any flowers are on her)

When I ask for time... she says, "but I get no time"

I say, "I'll take him today! Can I have next Saturday afternoon"

"but I'm ok today. I give you so much time! We always go to painting class & story time"

"Yes, but all those are during my work hours. I just need some decompression time, where I'm not asked to do anything. I just need a few hours to mentally unwind"

"6 weeks ago we were gone for a Saturday"

"Yes, but you wanted me to clean out the closet, put together a bunch of furniture and then build a closet organizer in prep for the new baby. I sat down 20 min before you got home... it's just not the same thing as what I'm asking for"


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## Rick Blaine

Because you work at home you need time away. You are there 7 days a week. Can you work from the library one day a week where there are no distractions. 

The bigger issue is why she won't grant you alone time? Need more info here. Maybe she is being petty and selfish. That is wrong and too bad for if that is case.

But maybe there is a different issue. Her life as a SAHW is a pretty nice set up, and you are giving her a good life materially. But I am guessing that you are not meeting her critical needs. I would suggest you go the marriage builders website and pull up their needs assessment. Both you and your wife should take it. Also the book "His Needs Her Needs" will be a tremendous help for both of you.

This is probably a relationship issue more than an equality issue. When you are happy in your relationship these smaller issues don't surface. Work on the relationship. Read the book.


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## Andy1001

The main issue here as I see it is that she is pregnant,and that alone can be exhausting for some women.She probably feels that she would like some alone time too but she has a baby on board that prevents this from happening.Has this alone time always been a point of contention or is it a recent development.
My gf is a sahm and like you I work from home and have household staff.Having time on my own is not a problem and if I were in your shoes and seeing as you have the financial wherewithal I would give her a gift of a spa day or a hairdresser/makeup afternoon and then go out to dinner that night.You have a childminder so it shouldn’t be a problem.


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## Ihavequestions

[Because you work at home you need time away. You are there 7 days a week. Can you work from the library one day a week where there are no distractions.]

Working at home doesn't bug me. In fact, I feel very blessed to be at home. However, work is still work. I'm interacting with people throughout the day either phone, skype, slack, etc. 

I guess, I could clear my schedule one day every few weeks. However, then I'd feel like I was hiding from my family (and work). 

I think that's the biggest thing... I feel like I need permission to take the time for myself. I want to know that she's ok with it.

From time to time we do family days where I take a day off and we go to the beach or zoo... or whatever. I find it very stressful to not be at work during work hours. I know it's a personal quirk. I try not to let it interfere with those days, and usually my phone is exploding with emails & questions during those times.

She goes to get her hair done & sometimes facials. I encourage her to take more time for herself. My son and I play in the backyard and she'll go lay down. Many times it's only 45 min or an hour here and there, but oh man... I try.

Andy1001 -- I know she wants alone time, but she frequently refuses it. Either I don't understand what she wants/needs or she just wants to be a martyr. I'm not sure. Also, I'm just a bit pissy about it today.


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## threelittlestars

Ihavequestions said:


> [Because you work at home you need time away. You are there 7 days a week. Can you work from the library one day a week where there are no distractions.]
> 
> Working at home doesn't bug me. In fact, I feel very blessed to be at home. However, work is still work. I'm interacting with people throughout the day either phone, skype, slack, etc.
> 
> I guess, I could clear my schedule one day every few weeks. However, then I'd feel like I was hiding from my family (and work).
> 
> I think that's the biggest thing... I feel like I need permission to take the time for myself. I want to know that she's ok with it.
> 
> From time to time we do family days where I take a day off and we go to the beach or zoo... or whatever. I find it very stressful to not be at work during work hours. I know it's a personal quirk. I try not to let it interfere with those days, and usually my phone is exploding with emails & questions during those times.
> 
> She goes to get her hair done & sometimes facials. I encourage her to take more time for herself. My son and I play in the backyard and she'll go lay down. Many times it's only 45 min or an hour here and there, but oh man... I try.
> 
> Andy1001 -- I know she wants alone time, but she frequently refuses it. Either I don't understand what she wants/needs or she just wants to be a martyr. I'm not sure. Also, I'm just a bit pissy about it today.


i DONT have time to comment in depth, but what you have outlined tells me a few things (possibly)... 

Can you give more information about your relationship and devision of chores, and type of work you are doing from home. What is her back ground? Rich parents? poor parents? What is your backgrounds?


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## Ihavequestions

Overall we have a really solid relationship. We get along well. We are both a little worn out from being parents to an extremely energetic 2 year old.

devision of chores:
I handle finances, taxes, cars, insurance, negotiations, home maintenance, take out the trash, pets

she is - primary care giver, drs appointments, knowing what dinner will be (I don't care who cooks or if we order in/go out - I just ask that she has a plan for dinner), vacation planner, laundry, vacuuming

Both - pick up, do dishes, cook, lots of play time with the kiddo

lawnservice handles the outdoors
bi-weekly cleaning does the majority of the scrubbing
mother's helper is also the laundry folder & helps with picking up/dishes

We both came from middle class upbringings. Each had about 5K in savings when we got married


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## Suspicious1

Sounds like your wife has lots of help around the house which is always nice, and you do help out by taking your son out which is something I do with my daughters and my wife loves the free time she gets to reset. 
Perhaps the hormones are effecting her, every pregnancy is different. If it seems she doesn't see that you need a break grom time to time.

I use to say being a mother is a full time job, but being a 9.to 5 working parent is a full time and a part time. 

Well for me, as I've always been very active in the rasing of the kids, both marriages.

I would love to stay home and help mt wife more around the home, but it can't be done at the moment.

Ps

If you give semilars as to how to run a virtual business please do not hesitate to contact me. Have been researching as I have a few ideas but don't know where to start.

Good luck 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

I bought up three children with no cleaner, no mothers helper and a husband who worked full time shifts, lots of over time and most weekends. I also didn't have any family nearby. She is very very lucky to have all that help and support. I don't know any other mums who had anything like that amount. I would have thought I was in clover if I had had all that paid help.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

From what I'm reading, she's way out of line and has "entitlement" issues. 
Tell her you need this time, and if it escalates then it escalates. Also it sounds like there are other (her) issues. One day/couple days etc is nothing, in the real world. 
Sadly, this is a typical "you have to decide, better sooner than later, how much childish behavior you'll put up with" scenario.

Don't be fooled...the usual condition applies when dealing with a self centered person.....the more you give the more they'll take.
Until it's death by a thousand paper cuts. Then one day you'll say "wow, how did I get here".


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## chillymorn69

Bill Burr - Being A Mother Is The Most Difficult Job

Youtube

Funny funny funny.

True true true


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## brooklynAnn

Darling, i woukd have given my left arm to be in your wife's shoes. I need the right.

Your wife has it good. She has it better than 99% of women who are working and SAH.

She should try going to work pregant, coming home to care for a 2 year old. Cook dinner, do a load of laundry, clean the floor and put baby to bed before dad comes home.

When i started to stay home how i wish there was a grocery delivery service. That would have saved me from so much stress.

The Saturday morning that my husband took the kids to the park or the playland was heaven sent. That meant i could read a book while i clean the house. And gave so.e quiet time.

Your wife has lots if help from you and hired help. She has time alone.

So, you can take some time alone. Go for drive or lock yourself int he room with a headset on. Better yet, tell her you are taking a break and do it.


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## WilliamM

It sounds to me as if it has nothing to do with the amount of work she is doing. It seems to me it may be about your attention.


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## SarcasticRed

You have gone above and beyond in providing. 

What did your wife do before your son came along? Was being a SAHM something she wanted?

I understand some people don't want to send their child to daycare. However, since you are home during the day, what about hiring a nanny and your wife can go back to work full or part-time. I am not saying that in a mean way, just that she does not seem to be digging the SAHM life. Being home with a young child is not for everyone. 

A few hours to yourself every week during non-work hours is more than reasonable. You give her time, or at least the option of time if she doesn't take it. 

Do the two of you leave the kid and go out alone together? Alone time is important and time as a couple is important also. Do more together as a family than you do taking turns with the childcare? You could even find a gym with childcare and workout/sit in the hot tub and talk for an hour.


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## Adelais

Somehow you need to let her know that your having several hours in the home, by yourself with no chores or other responsibilities on you, is not an option it is an absolute need.

It needs to be scheduled in somehow.

Do you take your child out for several hours weekly? I would suggest you do that weekly, not just when you get the whim.

She can do the same for you.

ETA: I told my DD17 about your thread, and her response was "Poor kid (your child). When someone takes on the responsibility of parenthood they need to accept it 100% and that it is a full time job, and not want the family to leave. Why doesn't he go somewhere, since he is home all the time anyway? Or why doesn't he build himself a soundproof study and tell them to leave him alone in it once a week?"

This daughter was raised with 3 other siblings by a SAH homeschooling mom who never had time to herself. Her dad would be gone for days, and I was there for her 24/7. When they were younger I never got time to myself, but I never complained. My family was my priority. I was exhausted and aware that I had no life of my own, but knew those years wouldn't last forever, and I'm now missing the two older ones who have moved out. I didn't have family help or finances for any inside the home helpers, so I was never bored, nor did I sit down often for many years! Now that the last two are older, and can completely take care of themselves, when I need some quiet time I tell them I 'm going to my room, and I will stay there for hours. They are quiet, and they leave me alone, so it feels like I have the house to myself.

What about building yourself a soundproof room, with a tv, couch, bed, and that blank wall you want?


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## john117

Toddler, check
Newborn, check
Broke, check
Part time work, check
Full time PhD students, check

The lucky lady sounds like most of my McMansion neighborhood women. We went 5 years without sleeping more than 5 hours a day. And we were in our 30s. Fun times. Great marriage at the time too.


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## frusdil

Wow OP are you serious?? All that help, and time to herself and your wife still complains??? What the actual f???

I'm a SAHM, we have my SD full time, and she is home schooled due to ASD. The only "luxury" I used to have was grocery delivery - it was a godsend. It was a nightmare taking SD shopping with her sensory issues. Now she's old enough for me to leave at home and pop to the shops. All the rest - cooking, cleaning (most of it), washing, appointments for SD, homeschooling...ME.

I'm so incredibly lucky to have the life I have - and I thank my husband all the time. Because of him, I finally have my little family and I wouldn't swap it for anything.

Not all women like to be SAHM though, maybe your wife needs a part time job? Or to volunteer somewhere? Maybe she's craving adult conversation?

Any rate she's got it darn good and should not be complaining.


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## As'laDain

Ihavequestions said:


> I know being a stay at home mom is tough. We have a 2 year old with another kiddo on the way.
> 
> Overall, I think my wife kicks some serious butt. Our boy is a rockstar and is as happy & healthy as I could ever want him to be.
> 
> Is there something I don't quite understand?
> 
> Here's our scenario.
> 
> I run 3 virtual companies from home. We have a 7 figure net income. So, basically we're both here (3 with our son) all the time & we aren't running on a tight budget.
> 
> I work Mon-Fri from 5:30 am - 2 pm & have to travel about 4 days every other month.
> 
> We have:
> Grocery Delivery Service
> Bi-weekly housecleaning service
> 15 hrs/week - 'mother's helper' (basically babysitting/light housework)
> 
> After 2 pm I spend time with the family & several times a week I try to take my boy out for a few hours (just the two of us) so that my wife can get some extra downtime. On the weekend mornings, I try to convince him to go get a donut or bagel with me so that mom can get some extra rest as well.
> 
> Typically, my wife and I alternate who puts him to bed as it can drag on quite a bit.
> 
> Here's our ongoing battle...
> 
> Work can get stupid stressful. It has a ton of moving elements financially. It's fast paced. Employee BS frequently, etc.
> I started out hinting, then directly asking, then beggning & now demanding -- An afternoon at home by myself once every 3 weeks.
> 
> I'm a stressed out introvert & just need some freaking alone time.
> 
> I'm usually met with how she doesn't get any alone time (which she does... I frequently take him & she has a 'helper') & how hard it is being a SAHM.
> And, if she needs more time, all she's gotta do is ask. Love my family.. love my son. I'm really happy to hit the park, store, feed the ducks, go to the zoo, etc.
> 
> I see that the little guy is demanding. I see that she's consistently tired. If the situation were reversed, I'd happily take off with him for an afternoon.
> 
> I don't care if we make dinner, order dinner, etc. There's no culinary demands on her.
> 
> What am I missing? How is this so hard? Am I being unreasonable? - She has a sister with 3 cousins just 30 min away. Go play... have dinner... buy them dinner.. I don't care.
> 
> Let me just sit & stare at the wall for an afternoon from time to time.
> 
> I think we have it easier in general than 99% of families & I've tried really hard to make being a SAHM as easy as I can for her.
> 
> Am I missing something? Or, am I out of line in asking for some alone time?


you arent asking for too much. the next time she tells you that she doesnt get alone time, tell her to either hire some help to take the kid for an afternoon, let you or other family take the kid for an afternoon, or shut the hell up about YOU needing an afternoon a month. a lot of people do a lot more with a lot less money and fewer opportunities for down time.


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## adegirl2016

I think your wife has it made. I work 40 hours a week and still am responsible for most of the household duties (inside) and my husband works 40 hours and takes care of the outside (trash, lawn, we have a pretty elaborate garden) we both try to take turns with the kids but I feel I end up with majority of the work. 
Anyway- as long as she is getting some alone time (time to shop, get her hair or nails done, read a book in peace) I don’t see why you can’t. I really feel like she has it easy.


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## Robbie1234

Andy1001 said:


> The main issue here as I see it is that she is pregnant,and that alone can be exhausting for some women.She probably feels that she would like some alone time too but she has a baby on board that prevents this from happening.Has this alone time always been a point of contention or is it a recent development.
> My gf is a sahm and like you I work from home and have household staff.Having time on my own is not a problem and if I were in your shoes and seeing as you have the financial wherewithal I would give her a gift of a spa day or a hairdresser/makeup afternoon and then go out to dinner that night.You have a childminder so it shouldn’t be a problem.


Your girlfriend and the op's wife have it easy. The rest of the world has to work for a living.


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## Bananapeel

I've said this before and I'll say it again. SAHM's are overvalued for their contribution to the household, except in the rare cases where they are doing the SAHM job and home schooling their kids or dealing with special needs children. Look, it's not that much work to keep a house up if you do it every day (about 1-1.5 hrs/day is reasonable to cook and clean if you are efficient). Most single moms do that and work full time, so what your wife is getting is basically a life of leisure. I could hire a babysitter for $10/hr to watch my kids and if she was going to be there all day she'd also do the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, or anything I need. What I'm trying to point out is the cost of keeping her as a wife (food, insurance, clothing, spending money, school loans, car, etc.) vastly exceeds the cost of hiring out the jobs that she does. So if you value her as a SAHM and can afford it then go for it, but don't delude yourself into thinking she's a major contributor to the household. I'd personally sit down with her and go over this so she recognizes it and can be thankful for the lifestyle you are providing for her. If that doesn't work have her spend a few days with a working single mother so she can contemplate what her alternative lifestyle is. 

My XW was a SAHM so I know exactly what was done and what pieces I had to pick up now that she's not around. My housecleaner does a better job coming over twice a month than my XW did and it costs me a fraction of what my XW did. The cooking and dishes are easy as long as I plan ahead and choose simple meals on busy nights, and more complex meals when I have the time. The kids do their own laundry, so there was no value to her doing that job. I have to parent the kids without her help, which is actually a blessing because it is easier to parent the way I think is right than to have to discuss what we should do and compromise. It is also a blessing and not a "job" to have the opportunity to spend time with my kids, so I can't ascribe a financial value to that service.


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## purplesunsets

Bananapeel said:


> I've said this before and I'll say it again. SAHM's are overvalued for their contribution to the household, except in the rare cases where they are doing the SAHM job and home schooling their kids or dealing with special needs children. Look, it's not that much work to keep a house up if you do it every day (about 1-1.5 hrs/day is reasonable to cook and clean if you are efficient). Most single moms do that and work full time, so what your wife is getting is basically a life of leisure. I could hire a babysitter for $10/hr to watch my kids and if she was going to be there all day she'd also do the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, or anything I need. What I'm trying to point out is the cost of keeping her as a wife (food, insurance, clothing, spending money, school loans, car, etc.) vastly exceeds the cost of hiring out the jobs that she does. So if you value her as a SAHM and can afford it then go for it, but don't delude yourself into thinking she's a major contributor to the household. I'd personally sit down with her and go over this so she recognizes it and can be thankful for the lifestyle you are providing for her. If that doesn't work have her spend a few days with a working single mother so she can contemplate what her alternative lifestyle is.
> 
> My XW was a SAHM so I know exactly what was done and what pieces I had to pick up now that she's not around. My housecleaner does a better job coming over twice a month than my XW did and it costs me a fraction of what my XW did. The cooking and dishes are easy as long as I plan ahead and choose simple meals on busy nights, and more complex meals when I have the time. The kids do their own laundry, so there was no value to her doing that job. I have to parent the kids without her help, which is actually a blessing because it is easier to parent the way I think is right than to have to discuss what we should do and compromise. It is also a blessing and not a "job" to have the opportunity to spend time with my kids, so I can't ascribe a financial value to that service.


I laughed out loud at this.. while I appreciate your effort to make this into a logical argument, and I also think that his wife doesn't value what he provides, you are looking at the situation as if it were simply a transaction. Perhaps you can say that you find time with your children a "blessing" and not a "job" precisely because it isn't considered your job. Are you or have you ever been a stay at home dad? If not, I don't think you can really see the other perspective too well because I'm sure it is absolutely exhausting to look after another human being all day long with no REAL break. I don't have kids but I am a teacher (of ADULTS) and after only 4 hours of interacting with people and helping them learn and grow, I'm EXHAUSTED. That's why many childcare providers, teachers, ECEs etc only work 3-5 hours a day... it's just simply NOT THE SAME as sitting in front of a computer or dealing with task related problems all day. 

This is not just a transactional situation... I'm sure there is something else going on and she's possibly just not enjoying the stay at home mom life or she has no perspective like the others have suggested.

I also recommend you set your boundaries and ask that your needs be met too. That's all you can really do! It's not going to be harmful because you're not asking for a lot...but when you set boundaries, people usually push back really hard for awhile because they're not used to it, then they adjust . So set your boundaries and state your needs!


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## Ms. GP

The level if difficulty of being a stay at home parent is not the real question here. You're not asking for much. If things keep going, you're on the road to harboring major resentments against your wife. The better questions are why do you feel the need to ask your wife's permission to participate in your own self care? If you know a little alone time is going to make you a better father/ husband then just do it.


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## Bananapeel

Relationships are simply a transaction...you give, you get, and you negotiate, just like anything else you do. Only with relationships you also have emotions thrown into the mix that affect how people negotiate. If the OP's wife is not enjoying being a SAHM then it is her responsibility to change it. And stay at home mom's get breaks all the time, so it isn't correct to imply otherwise. My XW went to the gym every day and used their free child care for an hour or two and the kids went to preschool for part of the day, etc. If my XW hadn't been in the picture then I would have sent the kids to daycare while I worked, and it would have been a lot less money than what my XW cost me. SAHM's are a negative financial investment (i.e. they cost more to maintain than the value of the service they provide), so people that do it have to get non-financial value from it such as personal fulfillment to justify it.


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## NobodySpecial

Ihavequestions said:


> I know being a stay at home mom is tough. We have a 2 year old with another kiddo on the way.
> 
> Overall, I think my wife kicks some serious butt. Our boy is a rockstar and is as happy & healthy as I could ever want him to be.
> 
> Is there something I don't quite understand?
> 
> Here's our scenario.
> 
> I run 3 virtual companies from home. We have a 7 figure net income. So, basically we're both here (3 with our son) all the time & we aren't running on a tight budget.
> 
> I work Mon-Fri from 5:30 am - 2 pm & have to travel about 4 days every other month.
> 
> We have:
> Grocery Delivery Service
> Bi-weekly housecleaning service
> 15 hrs/week - 'mother's helper' (basically babysitting/light housework)
> 
> After 2 pm I spend time with the family & several times a week I try to take my boy out for a few hours (just the two of us) so that my wife can get some extra downtime. On the weekend mornings, I try to convince him to go get a donut or bagel with me so that mom can get some extra rest as well.
> 
> Typically, my wife and I alternate who puts him to bed as it can drag on quite a bit.
> 
> Here's our ongoing battle...
> 
> Work can get stupid stressful. It has a ton of moving elements financially. It's fast paced. Employee BS frequently, etc.
> I started out hinting, then directly asking, then beggning & now demanding -- An afternoon at home by myself once every 3 weeks.
> 
> I'm a stressed out introvert & just need some freaking alone time.
> 
> I'm usually met with how she doesn't get any alone time (which she does... I frequently take him & she has a 'helper') & how hard it is being a SAHM.
> And, if she needs more time, all she's gotta do is ask. Love my family.. love my son. I'm really happy to hit the park, store, feed the ducks, go to the zoo, etc.
> 
> I see that the little guy is demanding. I see that she's consistently tired. If the situation were reversed, I'd happily take off with him for an afternoon.
> 
> I don't care if we make dinner, order dinner, etc. There's no culinary demands on her.
> 
> What am I missing? How is this so hard? Am I being unreasonable? - She has a sister with 3 cousins just 30 min away. Go play... have dinner... buy them dinner.. I don't care.
> 
> Let me just sit & stare at the wall for an afternoon from time to time.
> 
> I think we have it easier in general than 99% of families & I've tried really hard to make being a SAHM as easy as I can for her.
> 
> Am I missing something? Or, am I out of line in asking for some alone time?


You are not out of line. My guess is that she thinks she needs alone time when what she needs is FUN.


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## As'laDain

NobodySpecial said:


> You are not out of line. My guess is that she thinks she needs alone time when what she needs is FUN.


sometimes even breaking up the monotony is enough...


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## NobodySpecial

As'laDain said:


> sometimes even breaking up the monotony is enough...


We use nerf guns.


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## threelittlestars

Hey, I think your wife has it good. Holy crap... 

I can hardly get my husband to occasionally sweep the floors for me while I run out to go shopping. I went on a trip and he actually messaged me that he did not know how to turn on our dish washer that we had for three years. I mean OMG he didn't even know how to run the dishwasher! Sir, I think you are pulling the load more than reasonably. 

You need your breaks, weekly, hell 20 min a day to yourself is more than reasonable. Your wife should receive time off too, but she is just being likely hormonal. One can hope.


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## zookeeper

You're going about this the wrong way. Why is it so critical that you be alone in the house? Can you not find a way you to unwind somewhere else? If you're going to stare at the walls, why not sit in a park and stare at the trees?

You need to make the time you want. Don't require your wife to do anything like taking the kid to the zoo or whatever. Don't make her reaponsible for enabling your "down time." Just tell her that on a specific day you will be out of the house taking some time for yourself. When she responds that she doesn't get time herself, don't fall into the trap. Just respond that you are taking this day and she can let you know what day she wants for herself. Done. 

By handling it this way, you don't require her to change her routine to accommodate you and you make her responsible for her own needs of time off. I suspect she doesn't really feel like she needs extra time for herself but knows that you will back down when she pursues this line of discussion. Perhaps she feels a distance growing between you two or has some reason to resent you wanting to be by yourself.


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## sa58

Your wife sounds spoiled to me. You have given her a lot.
I understand how stressed you are simply by reading 
your post. Does your wife understand that all of the
stress can affect your health? You should just take 
the time you need. If your stress continues to build
up it could have negative impacts on your health,
(High blood pressure, heart attack etc.)
Does your wife understand this? Have you thought 
about talking with your doctor about this?
Maybe if you do then he can tell your wife 
about the stress you are under. Maybe 
she would understand then Maybe a third 
person (Medical Professional) would help her 
understand.


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## sahtrader

I wish I had all that help being a SAHM, that would free me up to get a home business started! It's a fantasy of mine to have someone do all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning done and take my child off my hands once a week for a couple of hours. But it would be for the purpose of devoting time to a money making enterprise lol. Those chores take a good chunk of time to complete and my only child is getting more demanding by the day. My kid is only a year old and fusses whenever she's not being entertained by me. Perhaps your wife is having a hard time with demanding kids that need to learn how to entertain themselves more. But she's getting a lot of help as it is. I'm an introvert too and could see myself going insane if I do not have any alone time (when my kid no longer needs to nap).


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## Ursula

Sounds like you're doing all that you can to give your wife her much-needed downtime, and it sounds to me like you're being taken advantage of a bit. Perhaps she's just really stressed out. Why don't you try just talking to her after your boy is down for the night? Share with her how much you also need a bit of downtime, and that you feel like you're going to have a breakdown if you don't start getting a little time to yourself. I know how you feel, as I'm also an introvert (although I'm single; no kids). I still know how introverts feel though, and life can get overwhelming at times. Non-introverts just don't get it. I would just tell her what you need, and see how she responds. If she responds positively, that's awesome! If not, then you might have to revisit how much you're doing for her already, and maybe stop giving into so much.


----------



## Chippie

OP, this sounds very much like an introvert vs extrovert thing. I would guess you are an introvert and your wife is more extroverted. 

We have the same thing in our marriage but in reverse. I am the extreme introvert and my husband is more extroverted. Until recently (30 years married) he did not understand why I wanted time alone, at home, with no pressing duties. When the kids were little (5 of them), all I wanted was for them to all go away with H for a few hours and leave me alone to decompress and recharge. It rarely happened. Now they have all grown up and I have my sewing room where I can go and be alone. H could never understand why I needed that time alone.

Extroverts get their energy from interacting with people, with constantly being engaged and many of them think that introverts just need to 'get out more' and they will be fine. Not true! In our case, it took me playing an excerpt from an audio book about the life of an introvert that made H see that I am not a freak who hates people, but someone who has the energy sapped from them after a few hours of interaction with others. Finally he has started finding interests outside the home that don't involve me having to go along and I have the freedom to politely leave social events when I am sapped of energy. 

Perhaps try to explain to your wife that you need this downtime to recharge or else you will go crazy and end up rocking in a corner mumbling nonsense.


----------



## Adelais

Bananapeel said:


> If my XW hadn't been in the picture then I would have sent the kids to daycare while I worked, and it would have been a lot less money than what my XW cost me. SAHM's are a negative financial investment (i.e. they cost more to maintain than the value of the service they provide), so people that do it have to get non-financial value from it such as personal fulfillment to justify it.


Your XW did more than the daycare provider would have done , and you would have had to pay someone for those services or our children and home would be neglected and not run efficiently:

-make Dr. and well child appts, eye Dr. apts,
-take children to said appts get meds, glasses, and take to all followups, etc
-plan and cook, clean-up-after 3 healthy meals a day
-grocery shopping, looking for bargain items to save $
-social planner for children and family
-clothes shopping as children grow and wear out clothes
-teach children morals and family beliefs throughout the day as opportunities arise
-read out loud, clean up children's things several times a day
-wash walls cabinets, entire chairs, tables, etc where children have touched with dirty hands (clean regularly)
-love on, praise, show individual interest in each child
-make special drop-offs, deliveries i.e. dry cleaner, post office, donation center, etc.
-cut children's hair, either do it herself or make appts and take them
-repair torn clothes
-gather separate, stain treat, wash, dry, fold put away laundry for entire family
-make appts with home maintance people (i.e. plumber, exterminator, electrician, etc, be there while they are servicing, pay them on the spot so they don't have to mail a bill
-bathe children outside of schedule when they have gotten into something unexpectedly
- clean, repair etc. unexpected mess
-spend one-on-one time with a child as needed (owie, sad, just needy)
-change diapers or soiled pants promptly so child doesn't get an irritation or get used to being smelly or wet
- clean a closet or another area that needs it
-organize the pantry, office, child's storage, garden shed, garage, Christmas decorations, etc.
-spring cleaning: empty cabinets and drawers, one at a time, and wipe them out
-on, and on, and on.


It would cost $300,000 or more per year to hire all these services out.

A responsible SAHM saves money for her husband. Her room, board, clothes and a few dinners and coffees hardly equal what she is actually worth.

Some people's standards may be lower than mine, and their to do list might not include what the above list includes, so they would only include the services they actually perform when figuring out their monetary worth to the home.

Either your standards are low for how to run a home and raise a family or you do not value a SAH wife and mother, no matter what she does.


----------



## brooklynAnn

Araucaria said:


> Your XW did more than the daycare provider would have done , and you would have had to pay someone for those services or our children and home would be neglected and not run efficiently:
> 
> -make Dr. and well child appts, eye Dr. apts,
> -take children to said appts get meds, glasses, and take to all followups, etc
> -plan and cook, clean-up-after 3 healthy meals a day
> -grocery shopping, looking for bargain items to save $
> -social planner for children and family
> -clothes shopping as children grow and wear out clothes
> -teach children morals and family beliefs throughout the day as opportunities arise
> -read out loud, clean up children's things several times a day
> -wash walls cabinets, entire chairs, tables, etc where children have touched with dirty hands (clean regularly)
> -love on, praise, show individual interest in each child
> -make special drop-offs, deliveries i.e. dry cleaner, post office, donation center, etc.
> -cut children's hair, either do it herself or make appts and take them
> -repair torn clothes
> -gather separate, stain treat, wash, dry, fold put away laundry for entire family
> -make appts with home maintance people (i.e. plumber, exterminator, electrician, etc, be there while they are servicing, pay them on the spot so they don't have to mail a bill
> -bathe children outside of schedule when they have gotten into something unexpectedly
> - clean, repair etc. unexpected mess
> -spend one-on-one time with a child as needed (owie, sad, just needy)
> -change diapers or soiled pants promptly so child doesn't get an irritation or get used to being smelly or wet
> - clean a closet or another area that needs it
> -organize the pantry, office, child's storage, garden shed, garage, Christmas decorations, etc.
> -spring cleaning: empty cabinets and drawers, one at a time, and wipe them out
> -on, and on, and on.
> 
> 
> It would cost $300,000 or more per year to hire all these services out.
> 
> A responsible SAHM saves money for her husband. Her room, board, clothes and a few dinners and coffees hardly equal what she is actually worth.
> 
> Some people's standards may be lower than mine, and their to do list might not include what the above list includes, so they would only include the services they actually perform when figuring out their monetary worth to the home.
> 
> Either your standards are low for how to run a home and raise a family or you do not value a SAH wife and mother, no matter what she does.


Thank you. The lastest studies show that it would cost 250k to do everything that a SAHP does. 

In my case, i have to cook all meals. Bake bread. Do the investment for H. Iron about 40 pieces of laundry a week. Do all the things my kids volenteered me for. Plus all the things on your list. And have sex 5x a week or more.

And alot of stuff i cant remember. So, glad kids grow up. Those years from 1 to 18 was rough.


----------



## Jessica38

3 yr old boys are demanding- physically and emotionally. It’s great that you recognize this.

I don’t see anything wrong with taking an afternoon for yourself. Is there a reason or something about the activity that she objects to?

My first thought is take the afternoon off when the sitter comes to relieve your wife. Would that work?

And I give you so much credit for making it clear that you’re up for any ways to minimize the stress on her on the afternoon you do take off by ordering dinner, etc. 

You sound like an awesome husband who appreciates his wife! Mine is like that too and has always made sure I know that my SAHM position is a contribution to our family.


----------



## Diana7

Araucaria said:


> Your XW did more than the daycare provider would have done , and you would have had to pay someone for those services or our children and home would be neglected and not run efficiently:
> 
> -make Dr. and well child appts, eye Dr. apts,
> -take children to said appts get meds, glasses, and take to all followups, etc
> -plan and cook, clean-up-after 3 healthy meals a day
> -grocery shopping, looking for bargain items to save $
> -social planner for children and family
> -clothes shopping as children grow and wear out clothes
> -teach children morals and family beliefs throughout the day as opportunities arise
> -read out loud, clean up children's things several times a day
> -wash walls cabinets, entire chairs, tables, etc where children have touched with dirty hands (clean regularly)
> -love on, praise, show individual interest in each child
> -make special drop-offs, deliveries i.e. dry cleaner, post office, donation center, etc.
> -cut children's hair, either do it herself or make appts and take them
> -repair torn clothes
> -gather separate, stain treat, wash, dry, fold put away laundry for entire family
> -make appts with home maintance people (i.e. plumber, exterminator, electrician, etc, be there while they are servicing, pay them on the spot so they don't have to mail a bill
> -bathe children outside of schedule when they have gotten into something unexpectedly
> - clean, repair etc. unexpected mess
> -spend one-on-one time with a child as needed (owie, sad, just needy)
> -change diapers or soiled pants promptly so child doesn't get an irritation or get used to being smelly or wet
> - clean a closet or another area that needs it
> -organize the pantry, office, child's storage, garden shed, garage, Christmas decorations, etc.
> -spring cleaning: empty cabinets and drawers, one at a time, and wipe them out
> -on, and on, and on.
> 
> 
> It would cost $300,000 or more per year to hire all these services out.
> 
> A responsible SAHM saves money for her husband. Her room, board, clothes and a few dinners and coffees hardly equal what she is actually worth.
> 
> Some people's standards may be lower than mine, and their to do list might not include what the above list includes, so they would only include the services they actually perform when figuring out their monetary worth to the home.
> 
> Either your standards are low for how to run a home and raise a family or you do not value a SAH wife and mother, no matter what she does.


Added to the practical stuff, is the very important fact that its extremely valuable for children to be cared for by a parent rather than by paid day care staff who are often very young and despite training, not very mature, and are often short staffed. 
When one of my children was an adult, they said to me that it was far more valuable to them that I was there for them when they were growing up, when they were ill, in the school holidays, after school etc than that they had more material things. I was so touched.


----------



## Bananapeel

Araucaria said:


> Your XW did more than the daycare provider would have done , and you would have had to pay someone for those services or our children and home would be neglected and not run efficiently:
> 
> -make Dr. and well child appts, eye Dr. apts,
> -take children to said appts get meds, glasses, and take to all followups, etc
> -plan and cook, clean-up-after 3 healthy meals a day
> -grocery shopping, looking for bargain items to save $
> -social planner for children and family
> -clothes shopping as children grow and wear out clothes
> -teach children morals and family beliefs throughout the day as opportunities arise
> -read out loud, clean up children's things several times a day
> -wash walls cabinets, entire chairs, tables, etc where children have touched with dirty hands (clean regularly)
> -love on, praise, show individual interest in each child
> -make special drop-offs, deliveries i.e. dry cleaner, post office, donation center, etc.
> -cut children's hair, either do it herself or make appts and take them
> -repair torn clothes
> -gather separate, stain treat, wash, dry, fold put away laundry for entire family
> -make appts with home maintance people (i.e. plumber, exterminator, electrician, etc, be there while they are servicing, pay them on the spot so they don't have to mail a bill
> -bathe children outside of schedule when they have gotten into something unexpectedly
> - clean, repair etc. unexpected mess
> -spend one-on-one time with a child as needed (owie, sad, just needy)
> -change diapers or soiled pants promptly so child doesn't get an irritation or get used to being smelly or wet
> - clean a closet or another area that needs it
> -organize the pantry, office, child's storage, garden shed, garage, Christmas decorations, etc.
> -spring cleaning: empty cabinets and drawers, one at a time, and wipe them out
> -on, and on, and on.
> 
> 
> It would cost $300,000 or more per year to hire all these services out.
> 
> A responsible SAHM saves money for her husband. Her room, board, clothes and a few dinners and coffees hardly equal what she is actually worth.
> 
> Some people's standards may be lower than mine, and their to do list might not include what the above list includes, so they would only include the services they actually perform when figuring out their monetary worth to the home.
> 
> Either your standards are low for how to run a home and raise a family or you do not value a SAH wife and mother, no matter what she does.


Nope, that's total BS. It's based on the notion that a SAHM is doing everything at a highly skilled professional level with each job as a separate full time position and thus deserves to be compensated as such, and that is just not factual (how many 40 hr/week jobs can you do at once?). You are equating pouring a bowl of cereal to cooking a gourmet meal from scratch, running errands to being a full time taxi driver, doing laundry to going to a dry cleaner. As a single dad I do everything she did AND work full time, with the exception of hiring a housecleaner every other week. No SAHM is worth $300K or anywhere near it. My house is run very well...it is always clean and tidy, things flow on a schedule, I cook all meals for my kids (e.g. hot breakfasts instead of cereal and I avoid prepared meals), and I'm always interacting with my kids and spending quality time. So if I or any other single parent can do all that she did while holding a full time job, then what is the actual value in a SAHM? There is no problem in how my household is run that needs to be filled and is worth the cost of supporting a SAHM. SAHM's should open their eyes and realize that they are getting a blessing and an opportunity that many others don't have, and should thank their spouse for supporting that lifestyle. My XW was appreciative of the opportunity to be a SAHM and recognized it for the gift that it was. 

Again please justify why a single mom does laundry for free but a SAHM should be compensated for the same job. Why does a single mom cook and do dishes for free but a SAHM gets extra value for the same job. Why does a SAHM get more value for going over homework, cleaning the house, shopping for groceries, looking for clothing deals, etc. than a working mom gets? That's just asinine and illogical. You are assuming there is some deficiency that a SAHM covers that can't be handled without her, but I still fail to see what that deficiency is.


----------



## Bananapeel

Diana7 said:


> Added to the practical stuff, is the very important fact that its extremely valuable for children to be cared for by a parent rather than by paid day care staff who are often very young and despite training, not very mature, and are often short staffed.
> .


Not a fact at all. These are false assumptions and generalizations you are making. There are a lot of crappy parents and great daycares, so depending on the situation the reverse could easily be true.


----------



## john117

Bananapeel said:


> Not a fact at all. These are false assumptions and generalizations you are making. There are a lot of crappy parents and great daycares, so depending on the situation the reverse could easily be true.


A two year old is no match for an academically inclined and entitled princess of twenty years...


----------



## Adelais

Bananapeel said:


> Nope, that's total BS. It's based on the notion that a SAHM is doing everything at a highly *skilled professional level with each job as a separate full time position* and thus deserves to be compensated as such, and that is just not factual (how many 40 hr/week jobs can you do at once?). You are equating pouring a bowl of cereal to cooking a gourmet meal from scratch, running errands to being a full time taxi driver, doing laundry to going to a dry cleaner.
> 
> Again please justify why a single mom does laundry for free but a SAHM should be compensated for the same job. Why does a single mom cook and do dishes for free but a SAHM gets extra value for the same job. Why does a SAHM get more value for going over homework, cleaning the house, shopping for groceries, looking for clothing deals, etc. than a working mom gets? That's just asinine and illogical. You are assuming there is some deficiency that a SAHM covers that can't be handled without her, but I still fail to see what that deficiency is.


I am not making such an assumption at all! All my "jobs" are not full time. They all add up to having two to 3 full time jobs.

If a SAHM were to hire someone to just come in and do the laundry every day, it wouldn't be full time position at all, she would pay them for just doing everything she would do (collect it, separtate, pre-treat as necessary, wash, fold, put away). And you bet she would have to pay them a pretty penny for doing all that. Not $30-50K a year, but defiitely $10+ K a year.

No parent, whether mother or father expects to be paid for everything they do, they do it out of love, or maybe in your case obligation.
*
If it were so easy and inexpensive to run a home by hiring it all out, or doing it oneself, and wives and mothers are not necessary, why haven't men (like you) figured out millenia ago that it is cheaper to hire a surrogate to bear their children, and then raise them by themselves???? Because it is not cheaper. Having a woman at home working as their slave (or in most instances, as their loving, wife, co-partner, and mother of their children) is much cheaper than hiring it all out, while the husband merely goes to his job and then comes home and does a few things around the house.*

Add all those part time jobs up, and voila! You have a huge sum of $250K-$300K a year, depending on where you live.

Hiring separate part time people to do all the things a SAHM does would cost an arm and a leg! Just ask the movie stars how much they pay their help. They can afford to hire many people to do everything they don't want or have time to do.

And don't make me laugh. I'm sure your home is not in tip-top shape, as you claim. I'm also sure your children do not eat home cooked, from scratch meals, homemade bread (as I bake) with fresh ground flour (as I grind) as well as fresh grown veggies from the garden (as I provided) and freshly made beef jerky, homemade granola, etc. (as I make.) Their clothes are not spot free (as my children's were) and the house **** and span (as ours is.)

I'm sure your home is "clean enough" for you, but probably not clean enough for me and my family, as they are used to my standards.

I think you just hate women. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with women (your mother and then your wife?) that you disrespect SAHM in general.

I'm finished talking with you. You obviously are only here to bash SAHM, and no amount of reasoning will change your mind. You need counseling.


----------



## Jessica38

I think you have to really believe in what you’re doing as a SAHM. My role has always been focused on the kids, and I never felt like a slave. I did (and do) everything out of love, and wouldn’t trade that time I had with our children for any amount of money.

Not everyone chooses or supports that though and that’s fine! But I never saw my role as the house help- it was always to care for our children. We did outsource some things when the kids were little because my husband and I both enjoy a clean home and we could afford the help. We spent time at the library, museum, markets, parks, beach, play dates, etc. instead.

And yes, when they were 3 it was exhausting. And wonderful.


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## Adelais

The article below is from 7 years ago.

It only talks about SAHM who eventually send their kids to school during the day.

It does not include SAHHM (Stay at Home Homeschooling Moms). For SAHHM, they need to add $ for their added job as educator in multiple subjects throught the day. In addition, homeschooling isn't an 8 hour job 5 days a week, it is a lifestyle.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/jennag...oms-should-earn-a-115000-salary/#729a02c575f4

This one is more current, and still doesn't include SAHHM additional job requirements.

https://www.wusa9.com/article/news/features/how-much-is-a-stay-at-home-mom-worth/420088394

@Ihavequestions Have you started getting some alone time?


----------



## Bananapeel

Araucaria said:


> I am not making such an assumption at all! All my "jobs" are not full time. They all add up to having two to 3 full time jobs.
> 
> So, let me get this straight. There are 168 hours in a week and you are working at home 80-120 hours every week? So, your non-working hours come to 48-88/week or an average of 68 hrs? So if you sleep 8 hours a day, then you get less than 2 hours a day to shower, go to the restroom, exercise, eat, socialize, spend time with your husband, read, watch TV, pursue hobbies, or just relax? That would make anyone miserable.
> 
> If a SAHM were to hire someone to just come in and do the laundry every day, it wouldn't be full time position at all, she would pay them for just doing everything she would do (collect it, separtate, pre-treat as necessary, wash, fold, put away). And you bet she would have to pay them a pretty penny for doing all that. Not $30-50K a year, but defiitely $10+ K a year.
> 
> Again you are getting your costs for hiring things out for a professional to do, but you are not a professional. Having someone do your laundry for you is not normal for the average household. Yet, somehow laundry manages to get done at my house and just about everywhere without a SAHM doing it.
> 
> No parent, whether mother or father expects to be paid for everything they do, they do it out of love, or maybe in your case obligation.
> 
> These chores in my mind are just part of running a household and don't have an inherent value to them. Whether you are single, married, divorced, a parent, barren, etc. you still have household chores that need to be done and no one other than a SAHM puts a financial value to them. Everyone else just includes it as part of living.
> *
> If it were so easy and inexpensive to run a home by hiring it all out, or doing it oneself, and wives and mothers are not necessary, why haven't men (like you) figured out millenia ago that it is cheaper to hire a surrogate to bear their children, and then raise them by themselves???? Because it is not cheaper. Having a woman at home working as their slave (or in most instances, as their loving, wife, co-partner, and mother of their children) is much cheaper than hiring it all out, while the husband merely goes to his job and then comes home and does a few things around the house.*
> 
> I didn't claim it was inexpensive to run a home, just that there is no real difference in financial cost between doing it yourself as a single parent or having a SAHM doing the same work (i.e. laundry is laundry, cooking is cooking, shopping is shopping, etc. regardless of whether it is done by a SAHM or a working mom). I also never claimed that wives and mothers aren't necessary or valued, just that their housework does not have anywhere near the financial merit you ascribe to it. I think two happy parents in one household is the best socially and psychologically for kids, if it is possible to do. I just don't see the financial value in a SAHM. Do not misinterpret it to mean I don't think there should be SAHM's or that SAHM's don't add a non-financial value to a family. My XW was a SAHM, but neither of us deluded ourselves into thinking it was some sort of net positive financial choice. It was a lifestyle choice that fit with the type of parenting we wanted to do and we were both good with that decision.
> 
> Add all those part time jobs up, and voila! You have a huge sum of $250K-$300K a year, depending on where you live.
> 
> Again, you are adding value to a job that working parents don't get for doing the same work. Why should a SAHM vacuuming be worth something financially but a working mom not get the same value for her vacuuming? What happened to equality?
> 
> Hiring separate part time people to do all the things a SAHM does would cost an arm and a leg! Just ask the movie stars how much they pay their help. They can afford to hire many people to do everything they don't want or have time to do.
> 
> The average person isn't a movie star and manages just fine to get their chores done around the house. So while it would be expensive to hire chores out, there is no actual need to do that so it's not a fair comparison. You should compare a SAHM to a working mom that is doing the same chores, not some elite multimillionaire that lives in a totally different lifestyle.
> 
> And don't make me laugh. I'm sure your home is not in tip-top shape, as you claim. I'm also sure your children do not eat home cooked, from scratch meals, homemade bread (as I bake) with fresh ground flour (as I grind) as well as fresh grown veggies from the garden (as I provided) and freshly made beef jerky, homemade granola, etc. (as I make.) Their clothes are not spot free (as my children's were) and the house **** and span (as ours is.)
> 
> My home's in great shape because I keep it that way. The secret is keep up on things and it doesn't take much time. My housecleaner is a gift to myself and she does a better job than my XW did. My kids and I eat home cooked meals every breakfast and dinner (other than rare exceptions), and I pack their lunches. We don't do homemade bread because we avoid processed carbs and prefer a more paleo type of diet. Last night was pan fried ocean perch, baked Brussel sprouts with my secret homemade glaze, and peas. We also planted the early parts of my garden, sprayed weeds, and spread mulch, with a little time for basketball. My kids were doing their own laundry this morning, which I consider to be a life skill and my washing machine cleans just as well as your washing machine. I also make homemade jerky and am a darn good cook. I get up at 5 AM in the morning to lift weights with one of my kids who's getting really into physical fitness, which is a great bonding experience. Your choices/priorities around the house may be slightly different than mine but that are in no way superior as long as we each get to live the way we want and do the things we value.
> 
> I'm sure your home is "clean enough" for you, but probably not clean enough for me and my family, as they are used to my standards.
> 
> If you are a perfectionist, then that is fine. But that doesn't make any other clean home a disaster. My house is clean and orderly, as it should be.
> 
> I think you just hate women. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with women (your mother and then your wife?) that you disrespect SAHM in general.
> 
> I'm not sure where you get that. I love women and always have. I had a great marriage up until the end, and I interact quite well with my XW. I have a great relationship with my mother and always have. To be clear I don't disrespect a SAHM, I just believe their contributions are overvalued and should be looked at as a gift or lifestyle choice. When my XW wanted to work I supported that decision and when she decided to be a SAHM I supported that decision too. I figured that whatever made her happy was great and I was happy I could provide her with the opportunity to decide how she wanted to live, work, and parent.
> 
> I'm finished talking with you. You obviously are only here to bash SAHM, and no amount of reasoning will change your mind. You need counseling.
> 
> You are obviously a very angry person and unable to see any opinion that differs from your own. I wish you well and hope you learn to evaluate things with objective reasoning. Please note I have never once said a SAHM is a bad idea or that people shouldn't do that, just that they are overvalued if you are using finances as your benchmark.


If those articles were correct about the financial value then shouldn't working parents also get paid the same money for the same responsibilities? Again, this is not a reasonable comparison because it isn't egalitarian and gives no value to a working parent doing the exact same tasks.


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## Jessica38

I don’t think you can compare the two monetarily. Too many variables. Many working parents get lunch breaks, some even get coffee breaks.

SAHMs with toddlers don’t get bathroom breaks. Or a chance to make phone calls.

Daycare increases risk of illness and parents have to take time off work and pay additional medical expenses. 

Added to that a higher taxable income, and often the second income earner is bringing home little after work and childcare expenses.

Penelope Trunk (Fortune 500 career coach) does a great breakdown of what it takes to be a high income earner with kids and it typically requires one parent to manage the household/children to advance in your career to a successful level. Two income earner households with kids often means two parents who share household/childcare duties to the detriment of significant career advancement.

“Landmine: Instability. Now both spouses are minimally engaged at work, so neither is a stable breadwinner and both are vulnerable at work in their 40s when they are competing with 29-year-0lds for the same job and the 29-year-old is full of potential and can work 24/7 because they have no kids.”
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2013/01/31/how-to-pick-a-wife-if-you-want-to-have-kids/


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## Bananapeel

I think that is why career minded people get married later in life and often wait to have kids. I'm a high earner for my geographical region but chose to make some career sacrifices for my family life, and am very happy with my choice. For my career choice I am able to have enough flexibility to handle the kid stuff and household stuff, while still being professionally successful. But, I know it's rather uncommon for people to find that balance. 

When my XW decided to be a SAHM we did the math and since our kids were in the best daycare (also most expensive) and she was a low earner, there was no reason for her to work if she didn't want to because her salary basically just would go to pay daycare. That let her have the choice that many parents don't get.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Araucaria said:


> Your XW did more than the daycare provider would have done , and you would have had to pay someone for those services or our children and home would be neglected and not run efficiently:
> 
> -make Dr. and well child appts, eye Dr. apts,
> -take children to said appts get meds, glasses, and take to all followups, etc
> -plan and cook, clean-up-after 3 healthy meals a day
> -grocery shopping, looking for bargain items to save $
> -social planner for children and family
> -clothes shopping as children grow and wear out clothes
> -teach children morals and family beliefs throughout the day as opportunities arise
> -read out loud, clean up children's things several times a day
> -wash walls cabinets, entire chairs, tables, etc where children have touched with dirty hands (clean regularly)
> -love on, praise, show individual interest in each child
> -make special drop-offs, deliveries i.e. dry cleaner, post office, donation center, etc.
> -cut children's hair, either do it herself or make appts and take them
> -repair torn clothes
> -gather separate, stain treat, wash, dry, fold put away laundry for entire family
> -make appts with home maintance people (i.e. plumber, exterminator, electrician, etc, be there while they are servicing, pay them on the spot so they don't have to mail a bill
> -bathe children outside of schedule when they have gotten into something unexpectedly
> - clean, repair etc. unexpected mess
> -spend one-on-one time with a child as needed (owie, sad, just needy)
> -change diapers or soiled pants promptly so child doesn't get an irritation or get used to being smelly or wet
> - clean a closet or another area that needs it
> -organize the pantry, office, child's storage, garden shed, garage, Christmas decorations, etc.
> -spring cleaning: empty cabinets and drawers, one at a time, and wipe them out
> -on, and on, and on.
> 
> 
> It would cost $300,000 or more per year to hire all these services out.


There are PLENTY of us out there who did everything on that list above AND worked a full time job on top of it.

Most of us barely get acknowledged for it, much less PAID for it.

I've been a SAHM and I've been a working mom.

The SAHM gig was a complete walk in the park. it wasn't hard at ALL.


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## john117

There are times when I think caring for DD1s cat is tougher than caring for DD2 when she was a toddler...

DD1 was the archetypal spirited child and a major pain until she was, umm, 26. DD2 pretty much raised herself. 

If you have a house with 3 or 4 DD1s yea, but I can't see that happening.


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## Blondilocks

She'sStillGotIt said:


> There are PLENTY of us out there who did everything on that list above AND worked a full time job on top of it.
> 
> Most of us barely get acknowledged for it, much less PAID for it.
> 
> I've been a SAHM and I've been a working mom.
> 
> The SAHM gig was a complete walk in the park. it wasn't hard at ALL.


OMG! What did your coworkers think when you brought your kids to work and fed them, changed them, entertained them, potty trained them and on and on?

I know when a coworker brought their brat (er, kid) to work for even a minute, I left skid marks exiting the building.


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## sokillme

Depends on the kids ages. All I know is when the kids are in school lots of women work and still find time to do most of that stuff and do it rather well.


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## sokillme

She'sStillGotIt said:


> There are PLENTY of us out there who did everything on that list above AND worked a full time job on top of it.
> 
> Most of us barely get acknowledged for it, much less PAID for it.
> 
> I've been a SAHM and I've been a working mom.
> 
> The SAHM gig was a complete walk in the park. it wasn't hard at ALL.


I made my post before I read yours, I am glad you said it. How many women do all of this and still work.

Also there is this idea that it's only a sacrifice to the SAH-parent, but if they were working they could be using that money as well and have a better lifestyle, higher standard of living or get to retirement quicker. So the spouse working is sacrificing as well. Most working couples split these jobs and work assuming they are fair to each other. 

I don't see how anyone can say being a SAH-parent in this day and age is anything else but a privilege.


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## ukf32

Being a SAHM can be tough, very tough (and I speak from experience) but you're your own boss and while difficult, it is endlessly satisfying. Your partner is in a position of luxury where she has a LOT of help with her job and is in an enviable position to most in that role. It's all relative though, everyone has a tough job, not matter who they are and what they do; your wife's might seem easy compared to many other SAHMs but as it's what she's accustomed to, it's difficult _for her._ 

I think all that is an aside to the issue though. It doesn't seem to me that the question is how hard her being a SAHM is or the issue is with her being a SAHM or how much she does in that role. It's just that she is unable to understand why you need alone time or is simply unwilling to give it to you.

My brother worked from home- high flying IT career. When he finished work, he would do things around the house like laundry, dog walking, cooking...his wife even left things for him to do that she could have done herself. This became their 'normal' and she expected this. His downtime was going on a computer game for around an hour an evening. She didn't like that. She would complain and claim he was neglecting her and the jobs he needed to do. He earned a significant salary which enabled them to have a lovely home, go on nice holidays and out to dinners and have plenty of nice things in a material way. They seemed happy. One day, he called me up and said he'd walked out and didn't love her any more. Total shock. He had kept to himself the resentment he felt because of what their life had become but it destroyed their marriage. I think they could have fixed it but that's by the by. He was so supportive of her needs, he neglected his own and for whatever reason, didn't talk with her (or anyone!) about how bad it had gotten for him. 

Long story short, you already know you need to have a reasonable amount of time to yourself. Both of you do (but it certainly seems your partner can take that any time she likes.) You shouldn't feel guilty for needing time to reflect, to relax, to take the time you need so your day is not about servicing everyone else's needs except your own. Eventually something will give- be it your relationship, work or sanity!

Is your wife fully aware of the demands of your work? If she needs down time, why do you think she doesn't seem to feel you do? Does she think your work/ home life is a lot easier than hers? Do you think there is any underlying reason why she is reluctant to let you have the time you need?


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## Ihavequestions

Hi everyone

Thank you for the general concerns and the many kind suggestions that were given. Stress was extremely high that day (or week). A lot of issues with work I was sorting through. I'm typically better at coping than I was when I made the original post.

I read this thread pretty quickly, so I'm going to paraphrase and generalize. I saw a few responses that were attempts to quantify the value of a SAHM. All I can say is: NO, NO, & NO

I will never trivialize my wife by thinking there's a dollar value attached to the work that she does. We love each other, we love our kids. We do what we do because of the love... not because we're ever trying to quantify our value. I hate when I read posts from women that say that their husband says 'well I make the money' or similar.

We are a family. She works hard. And there's no finite level of it. It's not a sea-saw where I make a lot of money so her worth is reduced. I didn't intend for the post to be putting me on some kind of pedestal. We all need to take care of ourselves in some fashion for the good of ourselves & our families. I'm sure that comes in varying shapes, sizes, and amounts of time. I thought my request for time was reasonable (and still do), and was struggling to figure out if I had missed something.

At the same time, my alone time is still a bit evasive. My wife and I discussed it. She seemed to understand. Nothing really materialized & then we had a second child. Now there's a new dynamic to sort through. And, I'm not about to demand 'me' time when she's still trying to figure out how to handle two kids.

I have been a little creative, though. Which I'm a bit ashamed about. I have some travel coming up, in which there were flights that would've let me leave later and get home sooner, but I scheduled in a few hours to simply be at the airport.

Also, I meet with a colleague about every 6-8 weeks for lunch. He had to cancel, but I kept the appointment 

Which basically amounted to me sitting in my car with a notebook and listening to the radio, but it was glorious.

That's it from me for now. New child is pretty fantastic. Trying to make our oldest feel as special as possible without spoiling him. He's a good big brother, but I can see that it's definitely a transition for him. We'll figure it out.


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