# How to release all the hidden resentment I have towards him



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I've been married since July but hubby and I have been long distance since November due to me training and whatnot....but I have a tendency to hold grudges and I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest...things that he's said or done to me in the past that has hurt me. I will see him again in a month or two and when we meet again I want to tell him about it. 

Thing is, I don't know how. I don't want to unload all these problems and overwhelm him with it because it'll just make him feel attacked and will get defensive. He's accused me of being sensitive in the past which has made me stay quiet about a lot of things but I don't want to do that anymore and want to work on being more vocal about my feelings. I just hope it doesn't turn him away.

Anyway, when we do get back together for good, how do I go about telling him about my bottled up feelings? Little by little or what? He doesn't handle criticism very well and may get defensive which is partly why I've never said anything because I figured it's not worth the arguments and that time would heal everything. Not. I've just been going crazy for a few months. I'm tired of it. Any advice?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It depends on what you are holding a grudge against?

There are some books you could read before he comes back. And some you could read together.

His Needs Her Needs
The Five Love Languages
These might help you to see each other in a different way.. to avoid doing things to each other that are hurtful. Not understanding each other's needs and love languages can result in someone feeling hurt.


From the marriagebuilders website:
Read the Annoying Habits articles together
Do the Emotional Needs Quiz together

All of these together may help you both to realise that the goal of a marriage is to make your partner happy. 


If he is saying things that make you feel hurt... you can try reading some articles on the Dr Phil website (dont' laugh).
If he feels you are too sensitive, you can try to speak your mind in another way, and you can also try to read about not taking that personally. By that I mean you can learn that it is his opinion.. not a fact. And learn to tell the difference. It takes finding your centre of self esteem and not allowing rude comments to get to it. 

Journalling is another good way to let it all out. Write it down. Then under each memory that you have.... think about whether it is a deal breaker, said out of nonsense, has repeated itself over and over, and does it truly reflect his ACTIONS? 

He may have said something that wasn't so nice.. but did his actions back it up? In other words, can you prove he really meant it, or was his ego running his mouth?

Then try writing out that you forgive him for it.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'd recommend writing him an email/letter with what you need to get off your chest. You can also talk some of it out over the phone after he's had a chance to digest what you wrote.

The advantage is that if you can deal with those things while he's away, then when you are back together you can spend that precious time doing things you both love rather than arguing.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

deejov said:


> It depends on what you are holding a grudge against?
> 
> There are some books you could read before he comes back. And some you could read together.
> 
> ...



I'm not sure I forgive though. But whether I do or not my main issue is letting him know how I feel. He thinks it's all ok and it's not. Journaling never seemed to work for me as I don't like writing about my feelings. I have tried to reason with myself to not let things get to me but I realized that even the things I let go, I'm mad at myself for taking it in silence and not telling him when it hurt me and I want him to know that too even though I no longer feel it. I don't know why I'm such a chicken. 

He's not open to reading books or seeking such marital help so I will have to do that on my own and maybe adjust a little bit. Thanks.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> I'd recommend writing him an email/letter with what you need to get off your chest. You can also talk some of it out over the phone after he's had a chance to digest what you wrote.
> 
> The advantage is that if you can deal with those things while he's away, then when you are back together you can spend that precious time doing things you both love rather than arguing.



I'd rather do it face to face. We don't communicate all that well and it's even worse over the phone. We've been in two fights in the last several weeks that I feel would have gone a lot better if he was right in front of me. In fact, it wouldn't have even happened if he was right in front of me but anyway...

He wouldn't take me seriously if I wrote it out in a letter and and would call me yelling about why I held it in or why I didn't have the nerve to say it over the phone, etc....I'm gonna choose to wait till we live together again.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

When you talk to him don't accuse. Tell him your feelings. Start the conversation with a I feel like this when you do that. Give him a chance to let you know what is bothering him as well.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

So getting back to the original question, I'd dole them out little by little. Perhaps start talking when on a walk, I know for me I find it helps keep my emotions in check. Last thing your H needs is for you to verbally spew everything stewing in your heart within the first few hours he gets in the door.

I'd also start with the smaller/easier to handle stuff first so that you two can start working through things on hopefully a positive note.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You don't like journaling so, you probably wont' like my suggestion:

Write him a letter. 
Tell him how you want to get certain issues off your chest before you meet up again... that you want him to be aware that they are things that hurt your feelings.


Re-write it many times before you send it. Don't read the other first... Just rewrite from scratch.. Then compare the different letters... If you honestly rewrote from scratch each time... there would be slight differences on which are the important issues to address..

Then I would write a final copy... really explaining the most important items that need addressed & talked about as a couple.. so that you can both move comfortably ahead in the relationship.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I thought similarly about writing...but make it just for yourself, then get rid of it. Burn it, tear it up. It's just a way to release it all for your benefit.

The point is to get all your emotion out. Once you have done that, maybe you could think about what you want from him. What do you want to achieve by telling him what's on your mind?

I'm a big fan of dealing with things in the moment. If things haven't been mentioned and then seemingly come out of nowhere and from the past, how would that be for the recipient? I wonder if you have at least dealt with some of that resentment yourself first, then perhaps your emotion may have calmed so you have a chance at peering into what's really going on and talk to him calmly and openly? And be prepared to potentially hear things from his side that may come back at you that you might not expect either.

With resentment, you might even find that it continues to fester even after the fact. So at some point, you will see it as your responsibility to deal with it. Keep this in mind. If things need to be worked on between you, do that. But be aware, he can't remove your resentment. This will be up to you to work on. I'd start on releasing it to yourself first.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> So getting back to the original question, I'd dole them out little by little. Perhaps start talking when on a walk, I know for me I find it helps keep my emotions in check. Last thing your H needs is for you to verbally spew everything stewing in your heart within the first few hours he gets in the door.
> 
> I'd also start with the smaller/easier to handle stuff first so that you two can start working through things on hopefully a positive note.



That's a good idea. I'm kinda worried that he'll think I deceived him by suggesting we go on a walk and I tell him this but it's best that we start out calm and everything. And exactly, I don't want to unload all my issues as soon as he arrives. Now I just gotta come up with an opening sentence!


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Hopefull363 said:


> When you talk to him don't accuse. Tell him your feelings. Start the conversation with a I feel like this when you do that. Give him a chance to let you know what is bothering him as well.


You're right. I should let him know that if he has anything to talk about then I'm all ears so he knows I'm not there to accuse him but just to talk.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> You don't like journaling so, you probably wont' like my suggestion:
> 
> Write him a letter.
> Tell him how you want to get certain issues off your chest before you meet up again... that you want him to be aware that they are things that hurt your feelings.
> ...



Wouldn't me sending him a letter saying I have to talk to him have him racking his brain in anticipation wondering what I have to say though? I know he wouldn't appreciate that because while I was in basic he sent me a similar letter saying he needed to talk to me the next time I saw him and for the next 2 weeks I was crazy trying to figure out what it could possibly be. I don't want to do that to him and already put negative ideas in his head. I wouldn't mind writing a letter actually but it doesn't seem that easy for some reason.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I thought similarly about writing...but make it just for yourself, then get rid of it. Burn it, tear it up. It's just a way to release it all for your benefit.
> 
> The point is to get all your emotion out. Once you have done that, maybe you could think about what you want from him. What do you want to achieve by telling him what's on your mind?
> 
> ...


I'm going to try writing it out to get my emotion out. That's a good idea. I have dealt with the resentment myself. Part of the reason why I waited so long is so that I would hope to just get over it. At times I think about what he's said/done and just shrug it off saying that it's in the past. But other times those old feelings will sneak up on me and I just don't feel any closure. I want him to know what he did/said wasn't ok and to be more careful about such sensitive topics in the future. I'm very afraid of his reaction. I'm afraid he'll make fun of me or even worse, blow it off saying I'm complaining or being sensitive for no reason. It would just tear me up and make me feel worse if I get those. I'd rather he say nothing at all and just listen.

But I won't know unless I try.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Wouldn't me sending him a letter saying I have to talk to him have him racking his brain in anticipation wondering what I have to say though? I know he wouldn't appreciate that because while I was in basic he sent me a similar letter saying he needed to talk to me the next time I saw him and for the next 2 weeks I was crazy trying to figure out what it could possibly be. I don't want to do that to him and already put negative ideas in his head. I wouldn't mind writing a letter actually but it doesn't seem that easy for some reason.


I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't clear. I meant to WRITE down all that you have to talk to him about. That way, he can digest it and when you get together, you can discuss the points one by one.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't clear. I meant to WRITE down all that you have to talk to him about. That way, he can digest it and when you get together, you can discuss the points one by one.


Oh ok I see. I could probably do that. Only hope he doesn't think about it too much and throws the resentment right back at me. Thanks.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I support the letter idea. Sit him down quietly and in a serious tone tell him to read it and leave the room.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Oh ok I see. I could probably do that. Only hope he doesn't think about it too much and throws the resentment right back at me. Thanks.


That's why I think you should write several times.... Keep them, don't mail them. Kind of like making a list of the most important things that have hurt you, or that you need to get past/forgive him... in order for your marriage to proceed & succeed.

Then the a few days (maybe 4 days?) before you leave to go meet him, then look at all the letters... See if there is a common theme that comes up most often.

I would start your final draft with that one (Well... starting off with the explaination that it is just a letter meant to show him that you have concerns... that you are not attacking him, or want immediate answers... just wanting him to know that you have concerns for the marriage...)... then list your most important issues.

I agree, you don't want to let him stew about it for weeks.... Give yourself the weeks to make a good final draft, that is not written while angry or upset. Then mail it out far enough ahead that he has a couple days to process it & think about it. (But I agree, not a whole week.)


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I support the letter idea. Sit him down quietly and in a serious tone tell him to read it and leave the room.


Oh!.. I like that Idea!!... You have a calm, rational letter written to him, but dont give it to him until you see him & you have a good alone break together.

(Well, I guess that depends if he takes surprises very well.)


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I'm going to try writing it out to get my emotion out. That's a good idea. I have dealt with the resentment myself. Part of the reason why I waited so long is so that I would hope to just get over it. At times I think about what he's said/done and just shrug it off saying that it's in the past. But other times those old feelings will sneak up on me and I just don't feel any closure. I want him to know what he did/said wasn't ok and to be more careful about such sensitive topics in the future. I'm very afraid of his reaction. I'm afraid he'll make fun of me or even worse, blow it off saying I'm complaining or being sensitive for no reason. It would just tear me up and make me feel worse if I get those. I'd rather he say nothing at all and just listen.
> 
> But I won't know unless I try.


Consider how important are these things really, how they connect and what kind of result do you want. If you through out the whole list to him and he is genuinely sorry, will that be enough? What do you mean by closure? Remember, he can't change what happened, so what do you want from him? What if he honestly does not remember saying or doing something? Is that acceptable? What if he honestly feels you are being too sensative?

Think about the type of outcomes you want, as well as what others might be possible. You admit to holding grudges and being unable to forgive. I have to wonder why, after being separated for weeks from your husband, your first thoughts are not how happy you will be to see him, but how you need to tell him all of the ways he has failed and hurt you. You are specific that your goal is not to forgive him, but to point out his failings. Why are you married to him?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> Oh!.. I like that Idea!!... You have a calm, rational letter written to him, but dont give it to him until you see him & you have a good alone break together.
> 
> (Well, I guess that depends if he takes surprises very well.)


He's not a fan of surprises but I like this idea best. I started writing a letter last night and plan on fixing it some more. It feels weird to have all those thoughts written down on paper. Reading it I'm kind of embarrassed that I feel this way because it seems so childish to hold onto such things and the fact that I didn't bring it up at the time like I was afraid or something...but I'll have to get past that and keep going.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Consider how important are these things really, how they connect and what kind of result do you want. If you through out the whole list to him and he is genuinely sorry, will that be enough? What do you mean by closure? Remember, he can't change what happened, so what do you want from him? What if he honestly does not remember saying or doing something? Is that acceptable? What if he honestly feels you are being too sensative?
> 
> Think about the type of outcomes you want, as well as what others might be possible. You admit to holding grudges and being unable to forgive. I have to wonder why, after being separated for weeks from your husband, your first thoughts are not how happy you will be to see him, but how you need to tell him all of the ways he has failed and hurt you. You are specific that your goal is not to forgive him, but to point out his failings. Why are you married to him?


All I ask is that he understand how I feel or at least listen and know where to not cross the line. That's all I ask. And of course naturally he's going to say he doesn't remember some things which is fine I guess but at least I'm letting him know that it happened and how I feel. There's no point anymore in keeping this to myself. 

If he honestly feels I'm being too sensitive then I'm stuck. I'm not prepared for that reaction. He already said it before and it's one of the things I want to talk to him about but...I just don't know. 

My first thoughts naturally will be how happy I am to see him and the rest will come later. I just don't want to stall because I've tried to plan this in the past and I backed out. I'm hoping to forgive but at the same time it also depends on his reaction. If he doesn't care then I won't forgive and I'll see what to do from there.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> He's not a fan of surprises but I like this idea best. I started writing a letter last night and plan on fixing it some more. It feels weird to have all those thoughts written down on paper. Reading it I'm kind of embarrassed that I feel this way because it seems so childish to hold onto such things and the fact that I didn't bring it up at the time like I was afraid or something...but I'll have to get past that and keep going.


I think that's the beauty of writing things out. The fact that you can see it, that it has potential to become smaller when you see it on a page in front of you instead of wallowing in an unclear mind, is beneficial. Maybe writing it out could even seem magnified when revisiting those thoughts later and in a calmer state. 

When H and I were wading through our crap last year, I remember one morning feeling a surge of anger/frustration inside while I showered. I'm not the type to hold grudges and knew I needed to get all of this out of my head and face it. When I stepped out, I just wrote it out. It wasn't letter style. I told him I just needed him to listen as I read through what was on my mind. He listened. We went for a walk and talked about many things. It was really helpful. The most helpful thing to me though, was seeing that mess in my head become smaller on paper. And then even smaller when we talked it through. Instead of allowing it to occupy my mind and become more than it deserved.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> All I ask is that he understand how I feel or at least listen and know where to not cross the line. That's all I ask. And of course naturally he's going to say he doesn't remember some things which is fine I guess but at least I'm letting him know that it happened and how I feel. There's no point anymore in keeping this to myself.
> 
> If he honestly feels I'm being too sensitive then I'm stuck. I'm not prepared for that reaction. He already said it before and it's one of the things I want to talk to him about but...I just don't know.
> 
> My first thoughts naturally will be how happy I am to see him and the rest will come later. I just don't want to stall because I've tried to plan this in the past and I backed out. I'm hoping to forgive but at the same time it also depends on his reaction. If he doesn't care then I won't forgive and I'll see what to do from there.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but your last sentence seems to wrap up what you really want... and that's for him to SHOW you he cares? It seems you need to know or be reminded that he's in your corner and cares. 

And even if he does this in a way that speaks to you, forgiveness will still come back for you to deal with. If you tend to hold grudges, this type of scenario will come up again. I guess I'm making this about you. How will you deal with letting go? How will you deal with standing by your thoughts/feelings even if another tries to dismiss them? 

While you want to express to him what your needs are, please remember that you are meant to be on the same side - and that's each others. I lost sight of that last year and it's so incredibly important to come from that place.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> Correct me if I'm wrong, but your last sentence seems to wrap up what you really want... and that's for him to SHOW you he cares? It seems you need to know or be reminded that he's in your corner and cares.
> 
> And even if he does this in a way that speaks to you, forgiveness will still come back for you to deal with. If you tend to hold grudges, this type of scenario will come up again. I guess I'm making this about you. How will you deal with letting go? How will you deal with standing by your thoughts/feelings even if another tries to dismiss them?
> 
> While you want to express to him what your needs are, please remember that you are meant to be on the same side - and that's each others. I lost sight of that last year and it's so incredibly important to come from that place.


Yeah, something like that. I don't want to confess and have him just sit there and shrug it off. Otherwise I might as well just keep it to myself and that would make me even more resentful. I want to feel like I can talk to him about anything so I won't deal with this sort of issue anymore in the future. Though I do tend to hold grudges, his understanding will make things a lot easier to let go. I hate how he's made me feel but I'm willing to work past it with him. 

I guess in the end it's, if he listens and understands me this time then in the future I won't be as "sensitive" and not worry about what he thinks because I know he'll always be there to listen. Kind of pave the way for any future insecurities I have.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I do hope he recognizes the importance of receiving your vulnerability; that it helps to build trust. If he doesn't this time around though, I do hope that you might help him realize this is what you need.

I had a momentous fail in this area last year. We were both working through our stuff and he came to me exposed (emotionally/mentally), completely vulnerable, to help me understand and I was too caught up in my own bullsh!t to recognize it. I apologized but knew that it'd take time for him to feel he could trust in that way again. I felt like the biggest idiot around. After everything we'd gone through leading up to that moment and I was still wrapped up in my own selfish mind-set to come from a place of understanding. Sometimes people get in their own way. He gave me that other chance though... and I've learned a lot.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I do hope he recognizes the importance of receiving your vulnerability; that it helps to build trust. If he doesn't this time around though, I do hope that you might help him realize this is what you need.
> 
> I had a momentous fail in this area last year. We were both working through our stuff and he came to me exposed (emotionally/mentally), completely vulnerable, to help me understand and I was too caught up in my own bullsh!t to recognize it. I apologized but knew that it'd take time for him to feel he could trust in that way again. I felt like the biggest idiot around. After everything we'd gone through leading up to that moment and I was still wrapped up in my own selfish mind-set to come from a place of understanding. Sometimes people get in their own way. He gave me that other chance though... and I've learned a lot.


Thanks, I hope things work out and that he's as receptive as you were.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I guess in the end it's, if he listens and understands me this time then in the future I won't be as "sensitive" and not worry about what he thinks because I know he'll always be there to listen. Kind of pave the way for any future insecurities I have.


I would note that you really need to be careful how you approach this. You have hidden things from him and grown resentful. It will be very easy for him to feel attacked when you set out your list of issues, particularly if they are from long ago. He likely won't remember some of them (because there was no issue to imprint it in his memory). If he is the type of man who is good at letting stuff go, he wil have difficulty wondering why you are raising this now.

You may have better luck if you discuss general themes (such as when he was insensitive about work issues, for example) with a couple of recent examples. If you list every single time he has failed you, this discussion will not go well.

Since you are hear, I would also suggest indicated how you will change. You have been unfair to him in not being honest about your feelings. I am not defending him or what he did, but to hold on to that resentment and effectively let him make the same mistake over and over is not fair to him or to you. You need to work on addressing the issue when it takes place, and being open and honest with each other. 

I wish you luck in this.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. I won't bring up every little tidbit and try to be general.


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