# HELP!! Need input from women who have had an affair!



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hello,

This is my second post on this subject (REVISED)
A little background info:
Most of our relationship/marriage (9 yrs total, 3 kids) has been very unhappy, unhealthy and filled with painful conflict, almost from the beginning. I always new in my gut things never felt right, and I always felt in a state of such deep pain, but could never put my finger on the reason. We used to fight all day long, and I was always treated like I didn't matter to him at all, that my concerns about out marriage were ridiculous and that I was overreacting, and too sensitive. It was eventually brought to my attention (by a friend who had been in a similar marriage and left after 15 year and 3 kids), that I was in a very emotionally/verbally abusive relationship and once I realized this, and started reading about it, I knew why I felt so awful all the time around my husband. I brought this to my HB attention, asked him to read up on it and see if he recognized anything in himself..which in turn eventually lead to him changing some of his ways, and some of it got better over time. Still though, I haven't felt happy with him for a very long time, but I always have had the motivation to keep trying new things to try and make things better, even when he didn't want to make the efforts, and now that part of me feels like it is gone. I have had a few periods of time where I have seriously considered ending our marriage because I don't think I love him anymore, and this time (3 weeks ago) I was serious, partly b/c I am emotionally involved with a coworker, and have slowly been doing so for 7 months. I didn't know if was an 'affair' that was beginning until recently, and am now in too deep to just forget about it. I feel very little for my husband, and haven't for a very long while. I don't feel attracted to him anymore, I have not been able to say I love you and mean it in a very long time b/c I don't feel that way. I don't feel attracted to him, and haven't for a long time, if I ever really dis. I am still here right now b/c of the kids, the home we have built, financial stability,our marriage vows, and the future of our family, but I am not sure if I can stay in something for those reasons, if there is a lack of feeling on my part. I have turned my feelings off toward him, and have a wall built up to protect myself from his abusive ways that I can;t see over it.
Now since I have revealed this other relationship at work, he is going to counselling and literally, overnight has turned into a whole new man..I mean it is almost too much to take how sweet, doting,and supportive he is being. I have this going on all the while I have very strong feelings, and an attachment to someone else, and this OM told me he wants to leave his wife, and be with me if my marriage fails. I know sounds so crazy, but my heart is pulling me in that direction for some reason, and away from my marriage, but i have not acted on anything physical, or seen him outside of work as of yet. I realize emotional affairs are just as serious as a physical affair, even more so as my emotions are all wrapped up in this. I am such a mess, and am going through a serious depressive episode b/c of all this. We are going to counselling together, and separate to see if we have any hope at saving this, but if I feel nothing for him, how can I move forward? All I can think of is the other man, and I want to see him and be around him b/c I enjoy his presence. I know it is wrong, but this is how I feel, and I hope I can get some sound, wise advice b/c I am really struggling. Please no bashing, I already know I am breaking my marriage vows by having feelings for someone else, now I just need to know what to do about these feelings, and my current relationship situation.

UPDATED: I have been given the ultimatum by my HB, if I can't give him 100% effort to making this work, I will lose him, but every time he touches me, or is near me, I picture th OM and it is driving me INSANE! I feel like I am betraying the OM and I know that is very delusional. I have taken a month leave from work to have some space to try and deal with my home situation without the distraction of the OM (by request of my HB), but it is really hard not seeing him, and I miss him. When I return to work in July, I will have to find a way to keep things 'business like' between us, which is going to be hard, b/c he is always putting the moves on me, and it pulls me back into the whirlwind again, and again when I try to put an end to it. 
This is torture! If there are any women out there who have been through this, I want to hear your story, and if you managed to work through your marriage, if you ended up with the OM, or if it ended your marriage. Thanks in advance for any input.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Hi flower girl, I'm right there with ya still, I am trying to work on my marriage but its awfully hard. read my posts then we can talk on here I don't have much time on here but I will keep contact . I am in the same state only I have been married longer, I haven't really seen the om for months but I can't get him out of my mind either but I am trying. I don't want to hurt my husband either but this is killing me inside I almost want to end my life somedays lately. I know exactlly how u feel. work on your marriage for 6months at least then see where your at,but no contact they say with the other man.


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

Wow. Flowergirl - I read some of your other posts and created an account just so I could talk to you. I am in such a similar boat and it is terrifying.

I have been married 10+ years and have young kids. My marriage wasn't spectacular, but it was good. I was moody and he didn't put a lot of stake in what I had to say at times because he chalked it up to hormones. I had more sexual and relationship experiences in my life than he did, so at times he came off an inexperienced in the ways of women. Sex was ok, but I always wanted more.

So ... I have been friends with a married, male coworker for my entire married life. We had great talks about things that were probably over the line, but nothing physical (though there was tension). One day 2 years ago, we got physical. It turned into something amazing. We spent every available moment together and talked so much about our situation and what to do about it. The sex was INCREDIBLE. We were so compatible and shared so much in our talks - truly being more open and honest with another person that we ever had before. We were so attracted to each other and over the years, we talked about leaving our spouses and being together. 

However, we could never bring ourselves to do anything about it. We talked about taking a break and fixing things at home, but we would always find excuses to keep going. The longer it went on, the less we were feeling at home.

Then one day it all blew up. Our spouses found out about our affair. We tried to stay away from each other knowing that it was the best chance for fixing things, but being at the same place of employment, made it hard. We started chatting again and (in a sad way) offering support to the other to help fix our marriages. But we still talked about our feelings for each other. We knew we were addicted to each other and were having trouble keeping our distance. We even said we can't be physical again until it is "forever". But now I am stuck. I know he still loves me and is having trouble "giving it his all" at home, and so am I. 

I have talked to my husband and told him I don't feel an emotional connection to him and there is no physical attraction anymore. I know this hurts him deeply. It is all my fault - he did nothing wrong. Well, he and I are both responsible for letting the marriage be neglected, but he is not at fault for my infidelity.

We are going to individual counseling, marriage counseling, reading books, and talking more than ever before. But I can't help feeling like it is hopeless. I want to fix things for my kids - they need to see what a happy, loving marriage looks like, have safety and stability, and not live forever being swapped back and forth. But I don't want to give up on these needs that I have discovered with the OM. It is tough to talk to my husband about them without it coming off as comparing him to the OM. But there are some things that never used to bother me before (because I was emotionally connected to him) and now they are big barriers to intimacy. I can't make love to him if i don't feel anything and i am scared that i can't get past that.

We are talking about some things we can try to get that spark back, but we haven't tried anything yet. Until i see progress, I will be very worried it won't work.

I know I am holding out hope that the OM and I will one day be together, but even if he and his wife work things out, I may still not be happy at home. Do I stay in the marriage for him and the kids, or do I leave and be on my own so I can date and find someone else to meet my needs? I feel so selfish and it is awful.

I am open to talking more here or offline.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Both of you....get beyond the fog of your affairs. Discover what you forgot/lost about your spouse that caused you to fall in love in the first place. Give your marriage a chance. 

When you have a real relationship with your affair partners, you'll realize that it is little different than your current marriage. Your affair partners only get to see the good side of you. They don't see the hormonal, period time, bill paying, hard day at work, children problems & stuff that your husband deals with.


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

I wish I could get beyond the fog. Trouble is, it is only 3 weeks since D-Day and things are still raw for everyone involved. I don't think it is realistic to expect me to get over a 2 year PA (10 year EA) and flip over to having feelings for BH so quickly. 

Right now my feelings are I the wrong place - I know that. But I don't know how to put them back where they belong. 

I told BH that I can't be physically intimate if my heart isn't in it. Intimacy is important in a marriage and I don't want either of us to be in a marriage living as roommates when we both want more. It is so unfair that it is so one-sided right now. He wants and loves me and I am in the fog. 

I know I can't ask him to change things about himself and that I need to understand why I make the choices I made. But I need to feel something for him and it isn't there now. I question whether it ever was. I only remember mediocre things that pale in comparison to my E/PA. I realize my memories are also foggy now, but even early on in the A, I knew it was something I'd never had in my marriage. 

I want to try, but I also want to make sure it is real and that I'm not spending months going through the motions and not falling back in love. I owe it to him to really try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Is your husband a good father?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I had an EA. Just ended it. That's because my husband gave me hope to continue the marriage with him. OM was on my mind every now and then. And we had same confusion, when our H were approaching us, we thought about OM intensively, I even replaced his image to my OM so that I could feel better when H wanted to make love. 
Since my H has reassured me he would do anything and everything to make me happy. So my heart is now on the way returning to H from OM. As my OM isn't supportive nor sweet like yours. So for me it should be easier to get him out of my mind.
My opinion, if your H is a jerk, there's no reason you can't move on for a happier life you deserve. If your husband does love you deeply & faithfully, you want to work out the problems between you and your husband, maybe you will see a little chance that you would consider falling back in love with your H. Sex plays a significant part in marriage, and it's the main reason for affairs. So you might need to put your sexual life on right track first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Athena,

You are not as far in the fog as you think you are. I say that because most of what you say about your H is positive, you are not trying to justify your actions as much. I can especially appreciate this statement "he and I are both responsible for letting the marriage be neglected, but he is not at fault for my infidelity.
". You can turn this around but you must put 100% into your H and no the OM. 

A long time ago I was once in your H shoes, I did not want a divorce and everything that came with it. But my ex would NOT give up her OM, even though she wanted to stay in the marriage. like your H i waited and waited for her to recommit back to me, then one day I woke and said "THAT IS IT, I AM GONE". I left, and never looked back. That is what your H is going to do one day, he will realize that no matter how much he loves you and profess his love for you, you do not love him back and he deserves to be loved back. 

Another option is to just release him, let him find someone who can appreciate him. You are admit to being in the fog but do not want to do what it takes to get out of it. So no matter how he protest, release him. He will be hurt at first but eventually he will find someone who wants to have a life with him.


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

You both have to start looking for new jobs. You'll never get over or beyond the OM until you do.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

athena said:


> I wish I could get beyond the fog. Trouble is, it is only 3 weeks since D-Day and things are still raw for everyone involved. I don't think it is realistic to expect me to get over a 2 year PA (10 year EA) and flip over to having feelings for BH so quickly.
> 
> Right now my feelings are I the wrong place - I know that. But I don't know how to put them back where they belong.
> 
> ...


"..........I know I am holding out hope that the OM and I will one day be together, but even if he and his wife work things out, I may still not be happy at home.... ."

I think it is ok for you to hope that one day OM will leave his partner & you will be together , but you can't continue with your H while having hopes about being together with OM . That means you are keeping your H as back up plan until that time. 

you dont feel emotional connection or any physical attraction to your H , and I think that is bound to happen after having EA for 10 yrs & PA for 2 yrs with OM even after your d-day . 

I think if you feel that your heart is not in it with your H no matter how much he tries , tell him you can't love him & let him go .


Best of luck


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there Athena, 
I think you should let your husband go, you are not being fair to him, let him find someone else..........You don't love him.....what are you thinking............
Flowergirl, 
I think you need to get yourself straight first, you are not treating your husband with the respect he deserves, as long as you continue to work with the OM you will not be able to let go of him, so if that is your choice then let your husband go, so he can have a life he deserves with a woman that will love only him......
You must know what you are doing is a very selfish act and a very hurtful thing.......Stop it ...........Do the right thing for someone else(your husband) and stop just thinking about yourself...........
When you figure out what you really want then you will be happy as well........You think the OM is the answer are you sure? I'm going to guess you are giving up the better man to have someone who would cheat with a married woman, sounds like a prize to me.........


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

New jobs. NO CONTACT with the OM. You know this.


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

(mslonely) My BH is a good father. But can I stay in a marriage when that is all there is? I don't want to be just roommates with children. 

(dblkman) I am in the fog, but I am also quite self-aware. I see what I am doing falls right into the normal pattern for WW and even though I know all of this, it doesn't change my feelings for BH.

BH is a kind man who has been hurt so much in all of this. How can a man really feel when his wife betrays him so badly and then tells him she is not attracted? I feel sick about how awful and selfish I am being, yet I can't "make" my feelings change.

I know it is still early and perhaps I just need to give it time, but while I wait, i am putting him through daily roller-coasters of ups and downs. If we work out in the end, it will all be worth it, but right now, I am questioning whether i can put him through it.

I know that OM and I should cease contact. Job hunting and the stress of that seems overwhelming right now, but i guess in relation to a divorce it should be nothing.

OM has been my best friend for 10 years. I don't have any girlfriends and BH isn't a talker. I feel quite alone in my pain. OM keeps my spirits up. But that is the problem, isn't it - I'm still getting my fix.

OM and I have talked about NC. We both know it is necessary and have tried a few times in the last few weeks. We usually go a couple of days before someone caves and says hi. We try to keep it friendly, not getting into details at home, but perhaps even that is too much. He is hurting and so am I - why do I want to comfort him more than DH?

I am such a b*tch. But I don't want to be a zombie in my marriage. I have an IC appt next week - hopefully she can shed some light on my apprehension.

Thanks for listening everyone. Sorry Flowergirl for hijacking your thread


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## dwilliams (Oct 29, 2010)

Flowergirl, Your posts really hits home. I am in a similar situation.....married for 8 yrs, 2 kids...marriage fell completely apart, I began an affair one month before I moved out and left my husband. I continue to talk to the OM, but my husband has done a complete turn-around. Does everything I ever wanted him to do before I left. I even owned up to my affair and he says he'll forgive me if we go to counseling. I haven't agreed to it yet b/c part of me loves the OM and a part of me wants to try counseling. I am still "in a fog" as put earlier. I have no idea what to do. If there weren't kids involved, I probably would not go back, but I feel really guilty for not giving my marriage everything I have before I just up and left. My HB says I have to choose what I want, but how do you do that when you don't even know what it is you want? And how can you be committed to one way or the other when you're heart is not completely healed from the breakup? I feel your pain, girl! I hope things work out for the best - no matter which way it goes for you. I'm still having emotional breakdowns and wonder if I'm just totally crazy. Sometimes the answers stare you in the face and you don't even realize it. Time will tell and also heal the pain. Things always work out for the best.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

athena said:


> (mslonely) My BH is a good father. But can I stay in a marriage when that is all there is? I don't want to be just roommates with children.
> 
> (dblkman) I am in the fog, but I am also quite self-aware. I see what I am doing falls right into the normal pattern for WW and even though I know all of this, it doesn't change my feelings for BH.
> 
> ...


who says you have to be zombie in your marriage ? no one on this board would ever suggest a marriage like that . 

see your H knows about your 10 yr affair & knows you are not attracted to him , yet you have not ceased contact with OM , and that says a lot about your willingness to mend your M . 

seriously why can't you just dump your H when you dont love him & you are still with OM , rather than feeling pity for your H ?


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## athena (Oct 28, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> who says you have to be zombie in your marriage ? no one on this board would ever suggest a marriage like that .
> 
> see your H knows about your 10 yr affair & knows you are not attracted to him , yet you have not ceased contact with OM , and that says a lot about your willingness to mend your M .
> 
> seriously why can't you just dump your H when you dont love him & you are still with OM , rather than feeling pity for your H ?


You are right - I was being harsh in the zombie comment.

I know I should be encouraged by my reaction to someone suggesting I should just leave - it scares me and doesn't feel right. But I tried to make a list of reasons to stay and work on my marriage. We have young children, a nice home, wonderful extended families and great jobs. None of my reasons are about him. Sure I want a marriage full of love and hope/excitement for the future, but I don't feel any of that with him. 

Maybe my reaction to your advice is the sadness of the loss that is coming for all of the other reasons why I'd stay. 

Man, this is so confusing and makes me feel so selfish. The hurt and pain I'd cause just so I can explore ways to make me happy. I'm not proud of myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Athena and Dwilliams~

This particular thread was for flowergirl and a place where we could speak to her and even talk about her specific situation. I would like to make a special thread just for you two. That way we can address YOU and speak about your specific situation. 

I'll put a link to the new thread right here: "A thread to help disloyals figure out how to get out of the fog"

I look forward to talking to you two over there--in your own thread!


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