# I've just switched off, what to do?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I feel I am very lost and in need of advice as to which way to go...

I have posted regularly the last few months about the discrepancy between my drive (high) and my H's (lower.) We have worked on numerous arrangements involving meeting in the middle with frequency, scheduled days and times which have never lasted more than a week or two. I have issues stemming from the amount and ways in which he has rejected me and how he sees me to have a problem with how often I think about sex. He thinks I use it as a measure of how much he loves me or finds me attractive.

I have worked on me. I have worked on accepting his rejections as nothing to do with "me" but simply an honest explanation that he genuinely is tired, stressed etc. I have taken on board his issues and worked on them, for example different ways of initiating and stuff to inject variety into what we do. I have cooled off and given him more space so he doesn't feel pressured. I have quit initiating so much and left it more to him to initiate.

And where am I now? 

Well. I have realized there is a pursuer-distancer dynamic going on, me being the pursuer. I realize it works very well to pull back as he does respond by coming closer. 

I have also realized that he simply does not think about our marriage in the way I do. I am very much of the mind of "what can I do to make my H happy today?" Like, what will make his life easier? What will make him smile?

He says he doesn't. Don't get me wrong, he does nice stuff for me. Stuff he knows I like. But from what he's said he *never* actively thinks, what can I do for this marriage to keep it healthy?

Last week, I had a revelation. It WASN'T the sex per se that I have been seeking. It is the feeling of feeling desired. Of feeling wanted physically and also cherished. And something has happened. He initiated on Thursday night and for the first time since way before we met, I had that feeling of not wanting to. 

He treats sex right now as a "gift" to me when he initiates. Like I should be grateful that he has "allowed" me to touch him. Stuff like "I'll let you touch this later." "I might let you suck me off in a bit if you're lucky!" "If you're good we can have an early night tonight." And yes he HAS said all of these. It seems to be so much about feeding his ego. I think my mind has just switched off. It's a worrying feeling.

Sorry it's so long. Any outside thoughts on what to do now would really help...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

enoughisenough what had your husband said when you explained why you now feel like you do? What does he make of it?

I have created a monster. My H has fed off me pursuing him. It has bolstered his ego and that is what he gets out of me being the pursuer. What actually turns him on is the chase. 

I have asked him how he feels. He says he does desire me and want me. I am supposed to know he feels these things simply because he *thinks* them. He says he should tell me more how he feels yet doesn't, *except* when I get to the point of anger from being dismissed. Then I get a day or so of "you're so beautiful/sexy/gorgeous" or his classic "you're quite pretty aren't you?" like somewhere along the line he just stopped seeing me and was jolted back into focus for a minute.

His attitude of how lucky I am seems to be some kind of self-compensatory measure since I pulled back.

I think *I'd* like to know HE feels lucky to have me. Not that he's lucky to have someone to look after the house or care for the kids, but like he can't believe how awesomely lucky he is to have such a gorgeous woman married to him. That would be cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> I'm not an expert but your examples up above on what he says
> makes me think that he is losing some respect for you, because
> you have such a high sex drive. Where in his mind he most likely thinks that you just want sex sex sex.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the input. 

He treats me well everyday. He is fun and good company. He takes pride in being the provider. He does little things he knows I like. 

The underlying theme is that a lot runs on his terms. He openly admits I am great to him and that he has nothing the's unhappy about. 

Interestingly he understands completely how his EA affected me and my want to know he desires me. He just neglects to do much about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Walking as you may recall you and I are in almost mirror situations. I'm the HD pursuer and my wife is the LD distancer. There are other differences, of course, but there is enough that's the same that I really know/feel where you are coming from. I've had so many of the same types of thoughts myself.

Sorry I might have asked this before, but have you two gone to a sex therapist yet? I will say that in the few weeks since we started it's made a difference. We aren't "fixed" per se, but there's more hope than I've had in ages.



walkingwounded said:


> Well. I have realized there is a pursuer-distancer dynamic going on, me being the pursuer. I realize it works very well to pull back as he does respond by coming closer.


Well the fact that he will respond is promising. I presume that he doesn't come close enough and/or frequently enough at all? Is it one or both of those?

Not that long before I came here (just a few months ago), I held back... no sex of any kind for months. Nothing more than the occasional quick peck and hug. She eventually came to me, but it was only after 2.5-3 or so months and it wasn't very passionate... she tried though and I was pleased at some level... though there was also a part of my heart that sunk knowing that it took this long and there still wasn't a lot of desire.

Is it like that for you and your husband?



walkingwounded said:


> I have also realized that he simply does not think about our marriage in the way I do. I am very much of the mind of "what can I do to make my H happy today?" Like, what will make his life easier? What will make him smile?
> 
> He says he doesn't. Don't get me wrong, he does nice stuff for me. Stuff he knows I like. But from what he's said he *never* actively thinks, what can I do for this marriage to keep it healthy?


Well the first part is a bit different for me, in that my wife does do little things for me. I think though that this is more of the typical differences between males and females. Men often times don't notice or care as much about little things, nor do they feel a compulsion to want to do little things (as they tend to devalue them in their mind). Women tend to care a lot about little things. I know that's a stereotype, but I've seen it often enough that my theory is that there's something to that for most folks.

So my wife will do little things because that's how she thinks, and how she wants to be appreciated. Being a guy my initial response is: I see your little gestures but it's ... umm.. sweet. I've had to teach myself that those little gestures weren't so little coming from her, and I appreciate them more now (though that's a work in progress I'll be honest).

Your husband is probably being a typical guy, not really doing little things to say I love you, because his mind just doesn't go there. Have you told him that those little things mean a lot to you (it sounds like they do)? Men often times don't spring into action until the see a need, and part of that equation is a need they perceive as something that's a true need (that is they have associated some value to it).

IMO this is why most wives have honey-do lists, and men very infrequently have the same for their wives.

Bottom line is he's not talking your language here, and he needs to learn what that is either through books, therapy, reading here... something. Or at the very least it's not gotten into his heart.

As for the last part, I have struggled feeling before that my wife wasn't trying to do anything for the health of the marriage. That's because at the top of my list was desire and passion, and it still is. Does he really know what's at the top of your list... sounds like from what you said next it's the same as for me.



walkingwounded said:


> Last week, I had a revelation. It WASN'T the sex per se that I have been seeking. It is the feeling of feeling desired. Of feeling wanted physically and also cherished. And something has happened. He initiated on Thursday night and for the first time since way before we met, I had that feeling of not wanting to.
> 
> He treats sex right now as a "gift" to me when he initiates. Like I should be grateful that he has "allowed" me to touch him. Stuff like "I'll let you touch this later." "I might let you suck me off in a bit if you're lucky!" "If you're good we can have an early night tonight." And yes he HAS said all of these. It seems to be so much about feeding his ego. I think my mind has just switched off. It's a worrying feeling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what really spoke to me in your post. I have come to exactly the same conclusion. Sure frequency is good and appreciated, but I want some heart felt desire for me. I want my wife to WANT me, the way I feel that I'm constantly wanting her... hungering for her.

I want her to feel passion, like the moments we spend having sex are coming from the heart. I want to feel that there is so much emotion welling up in my wife's heart that words can't possibly express my the torrent of love flowing from her, just as I feel for her.

My wife too did, and still does treat sex as a gift. I accept it because I feel that scraps often times are all I'm going to get. I accept them also because I know the emptiness that will only grow if I don't accept it, the dark thoughts that wash over me when I've been too long w/o my wife's love and affection.

Now not saying it's right or not, but I've made it a point not to reject my wife's advances because I don't want to discourage her. Yes I want more, so much more (in depth and in frequency), but I fear that by rejecting what she does offer... even if it is token, I'll be setting the stage for her to draw away from me further.

Therapy has helped her though, to help her get her mind into a place where she does show more desire than before. It was largely about her thinking about me for about 30 minutes before sex. Getting herself to a point where should did actually feel some desire. Is it as strong as my desire for her, no... but it's lightyears better than before.

Time will tell if the passion can be enhanced in therapy (we are going to start dealing with that more). I have to admit that my theory is that passion is almost innate to a person. Either they can feel that emotion or not... I really hope I'm incorrect.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> He treats sex right now as a "gift" to me when he initiates. Like I should be grateful that he has "allowed" me to touch him. Stuff like "I'll let you touch this later." "I might let you suck me off in a bit if you're lucky!" "If you're good we can have an early night tonight." And yes he HAS said all of these. It seems to be so much about feeding his ego. I think my mind has just switched off. It's a worrying feeling.


Well, my ire at this is about the same as my ire at the women who do this. You're just more likely to get sympathy than if you were a male.

In general, I got two theories in this:

*a) He is controlling you*
You alluded to that elsewhere in your post too. In that context, these sorts of sexual tactics are a part of his control mechanism. If that is correct, then my opinion is that you are in non-trivial danger for your mental health and need to think carefully about what you do next.

*b) He is sexually insecure*
He's unsure of his own sexuality and so he's making you pump it up constantly.

Honestly, both of those are disastrous to me. However, by far, the most concerning thing TO ME, would be this:

_Interestingly he understands completely how his EA affected me and my want to know he desires me. He just neglects to do much about it._

Every single time I hear a male or female who just can't be bothered, I get exactly one thought. They don't care about their partner, the love is a sham. Divorce them and find a real partner.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> Every single time I hear a male or female who just can't be bothered, I get exactly one thought. *They don't care about their partner, the love is a sham*. Divorce them and find a real partner.


The truth is harsh but it is what it is.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> *a) He is controlling you*
> You alluded to that elsewhere in your post too. In that context, these sorts of sexual tactics are a part of his control mechanism. If that is correct, then my opinion is that you are in non-trivial danger for your mental health and need to think carefully about what you do next.
> 
> *b) He is sexually insecure*
> He's unsure of his own sexuality and so he's making you pump it up constantly.


I'm a HD wife married to a LD male and I think these theories have merit. Now my husband never rejected me nor did he say things like your husband is but we did have a pursuer/distancer dynamic going on so I will address THAT.

The controlling part I think is toxic to your marriage and I didn't have that. Just clarifying. 

I will tell you how I fixed my pursuer/avoidant dynamic. I got old and my drive tanked (on hormones now so fixed but I held off for as long as I could) and I was able to quit pursuing him. For 10 glorious months I didn't give a flip about sex and it was the best thing that could have ever happened to our dynamic. It gave him space to deal with his own crap without me doing all the heavy lifting. In fact I began to focus on ME and quit doing all those nice things I used to do to get him to desire me. I just quit.

NOW he's interested in sex. Go figure. And I'm not sure how I feel about it to be honest. I've taken the stance of it likely it won't last so I need to get my head back in the game of doing what I'd been doing all along. NO MORE CHASING. LOL


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I appreciate the input.
> 
> He treats me well everyday. He is fun and good company. He takes pride in being the provider. He does little things he knows I like.
> 
> ...


Hi walking ~

I don't think he neglects to do much about it, I think he chooses to not do much about it. If he truly understood about what his EA did (and still does) to you, then he would be the one willing to bend and do the things necessary for you to feel secure in the marriage once again.

Honestly, I would look at some of those things that he says to you as fitness tests. You want him to desire you and view you as the only one that he desires. So, hold yourself up to a high standard and let him know what he is missing.

When he acts like you should be grateful that he has "allowed" you to touch him and says things like "I'll let you touch this later." "I might let you suck me off in a bit if you're lucky!" "If you're good we can have an early night tonight." you can respond back with a "No, if YOU'RE good or you're lucky, then you may get to touch THIS later", pointing to yourself, then smile seductively, and walk away.

Don't let him keep yanking your chain and demolishing your self-esteem.

Consider doing some counseling ... together would be helpful, but yourself if he won't participate.

Best wishes.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Ug I am in a similar spot. My hub had an Ea. Destroyed my self confidence everything you are feeling, I understand as I am feeling it. My husband is not withholding or sayingthings like your husband, but since our reconciliation he has had preformance issues. That has made him self conciseand he withdraws in the bedroom more. He is now 52 and we are also getting his T checked. Our marriage is good now,maybe better in some areas. But this one area is enough to shatter all self confidence I have and makes me think matlybe he needed to think about her to do anything. It is a terrible viscous cycle.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Difficult to convey how damaging or anxiety inducing that 'lack of desire' can be on self-esteem and the overall health of the relationship when your partner is either utterly oblivious to it, or worse, purposefully ignorant or dismissive of it.

'Toxic' is without doubt the best way to describe it. It absolutely CANNOT improve without your partner be willing to shift their perspective, and modify their behavior ... neither of which they are usually interested in doing.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has responded. I'll try and address some of the questions as I can but might not be all in one go, things hectic here!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Sorry I might have asked this before, but have you two gone to a sex therapist yet?


No. We did MC after his EA for a time. Allthough he did get a lot out of it, I think it was a chore for him and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to again, and that's wihtout specifying a sex therapist specifically.



> Not that long before I came here (just a few months ago), I held back... no sex of any kind for months. Nothing more than the occasional quick peck and hug. She eventually came to me, but it was only after 2.5-3 or so months and it wasn't very passionate... she tried though and I was pleased at some level... though there was also a part of my heart that sunk knowing that it took this long and there still wasn't a lot of desire.
> 
> Is it like that for you and your husband?


He actually has a pretty quick "turnaround" when I drop the temp and stop initiating. And I mean days. I should be clear: it isn't that he *never* initiates. It is that there has been a marked drop from our regular frequency over the last year or so. I would say throughout our entire relationship we have hit a 3/4x week average. We are now at 1x week and not allways that.

He is generally about the sex. He doesn't take any time to warm up to it. He can be affectionate and romantic but that is not a constant. He says he can go days without thinking about sex at all.



> Your husband is probably being a typical guy, not really doing little things to say I love you, because his mind just doesn't go there. Have you told him that those little things mean a lot to you (it sounds like they do)? Men often times don't spring into action until the see a need, and part of that equation is a need they perceive as something that's a true need (that is they have associated some value to it).
> 
> Bottom line is he's not talking your language here, and he needs to learn what that is either through books, therapy, reading here... something. Or at the very least it's not gotten into his heart.


He does do little things. I may have mentioned before that he does these things and I notice and appreciate the sentiment behind them. However he seems to avoid doing things that speak my love language which is quality time. He knows and I have had that discussion far too many times than I care to remember. He has made it clear that in his day he has many things to think about and *I* sometimes don't even figure on a day's list. Seriously. 



> As for the last part, I have struggled feeling before that my wife wasn't trying to do anything for the health of the marriage. That's because at the top of my list was desire and passion, and it still is. Does he really know what's at the top of your list... sounds like from what you said next it's the same as for me.
> 
> This is what really spoke to me in your post. I have come to exactly the same conclusion. Sure frequency is good and appreciated, but I want some heart felt desire for me. I want my wife to WANT me, the way I feel that I'm constantly wanting her... hungering for her.
> 
> I want her to feel passion, like the moments we spend having sex are coming from the heart. I want to feel that there is so much emotion welling up in my wife's heart that words can't possibly express my the torrent of love flowing from her, just as I feel for her.


Yes. Yes yes yes. I want to see he feels he picked the best in the world. That I am truly special to him in a way no other woman is. That he knows this and appreciates it. That he thinks of me when I am not there and he can't wait to see me, to be with me.



> My wife too did, and still does treat sex as a gift. I accept it because I feel that scraps often times are all I'm going to get. I accept them also because I know the emptiness that will only grow if I don't accept it, the dark thoughts that wash over me when I've been too long w/o my wife's love and affection.
> 
> Now not saying it's right or not, but I've made it a point not to reject my wife's advances because I don't want to discourage her. Yes I want more, so much more (in depth and in frequency), but I fear that by rejecting what she does offer... even if it is token, I'll be setting the stage for her to draw away from me further.


Ah yeah the gift thing... I am sure that as this is a recent thing that he is compensating for the loss of my constant fuelling of his ego. Like, I am not telling him how great he is so he is doing it himself to see if I respond to it and therefore validate him.

I also don't want to reject my H for the same reason as you.



> Time will tell if the passion can be enhanced in therapy (we are going to start dealing with that more). I have to admit that my theory is that passion is almost innate to a person. Either they can feel that emotion or not... I really hope I'm incorrect.


My H says he feels all that I ask him. He says he keeps a lot inside. I don't know if he feels that passion like I do for him. I should ask him.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> Well, my ire at this is about the same as my ire at the women who do this. You're just more likely to get sympathy than if you were a male.
> 
> In general, I got two theories in this:
> 
> ...


Control. I hadn't thought of it in that context. I don't know. Looking at him it is hard to even see he would be that bothered about it to find the effort to use that kind of control. I will think about it.




Mavash. said:


> I'm a HD wife married to a LD male and I think these theories have merit. Now my husband never rejected me nor did he say things like your husband is but we did have a pursuer/distancer dynamic going on so I will address THAT.
> 
> The controlling part I think is toxic to your marriage and I didn't have that. Just clarifying.
> 
> ...


I read your recent thread Mavash and it actually prompted me to write all this. I felt some parallels and had similar thoughts. Thing is though I think my block is mental rather than biological. I think I have simply had enough of the fight and just started to put up some protective barriers. Ironically I think like your situation (though for different reasons obviously) this happening will probably give him some space to think about stuff. Maybe.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi walking ~
> 
> I don't think he neglects to do much about it, I think he chooses to not do much about it. If he truly understood about what his EA did (and still does) to you, then he would be the one willing to bend and do the things necessary for you to feel secure in the marriage once again.
> 
> ...


Enchantment I think you have some truth there. I think inadvertently by being so available I have lost some value in his eyes. I like the response you suggested and have filed it away for future reference 

I think the prospect of continuing to support me to build up my esteem is daunting to him. In his eyes he has done the MC, he has done the enduring the initial upheaval, the anger, using the approaches suggested at MC after MC. I think he thinks now we are many months on and I have forgiven him so... that is that and we should just move on. He understands I am still affected. You may be right: he just turns around when he sees I am upset or struggling with something. Or he does the self-pity thing "you don't know how guilty I feel." He knows I want reassurance and I have said specifically what I need from him yet he rarely says or does anything about it.


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