# Does it ever get better?



## Daisy12

After you lose respect for your spouse whether it is because of cheating, lying or porn addiction, does it come back with time. Am I ever going to look at my spouse again and see the wonderful man that he is and that I love or am I always going to see the betrayal.

I don't want to break my family apart but I am struggling to regain respect and trust for my husband. Sometimes when I look at him I'm disgusted knowing what he has done, but not completely disgusted with him. I fear that I may never respect him or look at him the same way again but I don't want to leave as I do still love him and we have children that I do not want to hurt. We have a great life together and we get along very well.

Should I tell him how I feel and let him decide what he wants to do, or just keep quiet. I know he does not want to divorce as he has done so much changing the last 7 months in order to keep our marriage together, as have I. I know he loves me very much. I'm so confused and hurt and would love some advice on people who are years past a betrayal that are making it work.

For reference sake my husband has been addicted and lying to me about watching porn for 16 years. I found out once and he said he would stop and did for a while but started again. This time feel different as he has given me all access to any device that connects to the Internet, installed parental control on everything and pretty well change his sleep habits to come to bed with me so he is never alone downstairs late a night, which Is when most of this would happen. He has maybe used the computer 3 hours in the last 7 months. He is trying so hard and I acknowledge that but it doesn't make this pain go away or these feeling and I'm starting to get scared that they never will.


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## Hope1964

Only if he does what he needs to do. He can't do that if the two of you don't talk about it. You can't tell him what to do, but you have GOT to tell him what you NEED. He has to know what your needs are in order to fulfill them, and you have to know whether he CAN fulfill them.

My husband is a sex addict, hasn't acted out for over 6 years. My story is linked in my sig if you want to read about it. The ONLY reason we are together today (and in a really good place) is because we both - but especially he - did a TON of work on the relationship, both separately and together.


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## FeministInPink

Hope1964 said:


> Only if he does what he needs to do. He can't do that if the two of you don't talk about it. You can't tell him what to do, but you have GOT to tell him what you NEED. He has to know what your needs are in order to fulfill them, and you have to know whether he CAN fulfill them.
> 
> My husband is a sex addict, hasn't acted out for over 6 years. My story is linked in my sig if you want to read about it. The ONLY reason we are together today (and in a really good place) is because we both - but especially he - did a TON of work on the relationship, both separately and together.


Agreed. And it takes a LONG time. It doesn't just happen overnight. Trust, once broken, can take a very long time to be re-built, and the amount of time it takes depends on the individuals in the situation. I've read about couples within which the BS never fully trusts the WS ever again; the couple manages to stay together because the WS is willing to spend the rest of his/her life making it up to the other. So couples can survive it, some cannot. 

Your marriage (and its problems) will always be unique unto itself. You can learn lessons from other people here on TAM, but your situation will never be identical to someone else's.

I wish you the best of luck, and keep posting--people here will help and advise you the best they can.


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## jimrich

Daisy12 said:


> After you lose respect for your spouse whether it is because of cheating, lying or porn addiction, does it come back with time. I'd say it comes back with some emotional work by the Victim (you) and a lot of serious restorative work by your partner - all with the intent to spare your kids any deep damages from the struggles of their parents. Am I ever going to look at my spouse again and see the wonderful man that he is and that I love or am I always going to see the betrayal. That depends on 'the kind of emotional work you do to "get over it" - for the sake of your kids.
> I don't want to break my family apart but I am struggling to regain respect and trust for my husband. Whatever happens from here on in, the mental wellbeing of your kids NEEDS to be the most important consideration and it might require "breaking up the family". Sometimes when I look at him I'm disgusted knowing what he has done, but not completely disgusted with him. I fear that I may never respect him or look at him the same way again but I don't want to leave as I do still love him and we have children that I do not want to hurt. IMO, so long as their is animosity or discord between you and your H, the kids will be or are already being HURT. We have a great life together and we get along very well. OK, if that is true, then why are you posting this obviously unhappy message?
> 
> Should I tell him how I feel and let him decide what he wants to do, or just keep quiet.
> You need to tell him how you feel and then tell him what you WANT. I know he does not want to divorce as he has done so much changing the last 7 months in order to keep our marriage together, as have I. I know he loves me very much. I'm so confused and hurt and would love some advice on people who are years past a betrayal that are making it work.
> I got over my anger and humiliations by doing a lot of self respect and ANGER work to release the angry feelings I had bottled up which then allowed me to accept my partner back into my heart and permit both of us to go forward as RESPECTFUL FRIENDS.
> 
> ...but it doesn't make this pain go away or these feeling and I'm starting to get scared that they never will. My angry feelings only went away after I did a lot of work to VENT the angry, humiliated energy that was locked up inside of me after which I was calm enough to begin rebuilding my marriage as two FRIENDS - for the sake of our kids! I never let the mental health of my innocent, dependent children leave my sight during all of the strife and I worked very hard to keep my kids from being damaged by our foolish emotional wars. IMO, any parent, struggling with a troubled marriage, needs to consider the mental health of their own kids and then it will be clear what needs to be done in the marriage to avoid damaging your kids. :surprise:


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## Daisy12

jimrich said:


> OK, if that is true, then why are you posting this obviously unhappy message?


I'm not unhappy in this marriage and my husband is a great guy who has moved mountains to make this better for me and him. We are a truly happy couple who love each other. I guess that is why I feel bad or guilty for still feeling hurt about this. We have made so many positive changes and things are so much better. I guess I am unhappy with still having these feeling as fleeting as they are. I'm worried that they will not fade with time. I do need to sit down and have another talk with my husband so he knows where I am at right now. Keeping honest communication open is very important.


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## Saibasu

Daisy12 said:


> I'm not unhappy in this marriage and my husband is a great guy who has moved mountains to make this better for me and him. We are a truly happy couple who love each other. I guess that is why I feel bad or guilty for still feeling hurt about this. We have made so many positive changes and things are so much better. I guess I am unhappy with still having these feeling as fleeting as they are. I'm worried that they will not fade with time. I do need to sit down and have another talk with my husband so he knows where I am at right now. Keeping honest communication open is very important.


It does get better with time if he works hard at it. Back in October past was the 11th time I caught my husband back at porn again, despite he fact that I told him I'm filing for divorce if it happens again. The longest he has gone without doing it was 9 months, and I remember it like it was yesterday. 2 days before he did it again, he told me how happy he is with the way things are now. Fast forward 48 hours later and he's spending half the day doing it again, and the other half trying to hide it. We were out on our step and he was lying and denying it again for the millionth time telling me I'm crazy and I'm hurting him for not trusting him, when it was all bs. So PROTECT yourself. 7months without it versus years with it? He very well may go back to it again. Mine does every few months. I contacted a divorce lawyer in October and scared the crap out of my husband. If he does it again, we are done. Make a plan for yourself in case he goes back to it again. My husband has DESTROYED my self acceptance and confidence. I don't think I'll ever really feel safe with him again. So be prepared and stay on top of this situation.


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## Daisy12

@Saibasu Your story doesn't give me much hope and I worry everyday, but I don't know if I worry more about the porn or about the lying and hiding things from me. I would like my husband to be comfortable and ok to tell me if he has a desire to look at it again. I can't do all this work to trust him again to have it shattered because he feels that what he has to say might upset me. If he lies and hides things from me again it's not going to upset me, it's going to crush any respect and hope I have for this marriage and ultimately that is what will make me leave.


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## Saibasu

I'm not trying to upset you Hun, just wanted to be real with you. All the lying and hiding and going through huge lengths to keep secrets crushed me too. I hope your husband can be honorable enough to stick to his word. That's what hurt me the most too. Who knows, maybe if he had come to me.long ago things could be different between us. I love my husband dearly, and this kills me. So I know exactly what ur going through. Push honesty, and open communicatuob, but at the same time, don't be a doormat and turn a blind eye to it. I tried that but it never works. Look out for signals that he's.comparing.you to.someone that's what tips me off every time, well that and I have our internet and.all possible porn paths LOCKED down in my house. If he does it, I'll know immediately. Maybe look into accountability software? I recommend "covenant eyes". Keep him accoubtable for his online behaviour.


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## Good Guy

Can I ask you something? You sound a lot like me in some ways. My wife had an obsession with another man for years that I suspected and finally got proof of, which she denied point blank, until I confronted her with months of explicit diary entries, which she swears to this day she "can't remember writing?". She had told me she had no interest in sex and never thought about it. For me it was the dishonesty that hurt the most, not the idea that she might be attracted to someone else other than (or as well as) me. I assumed everyone in a marriage is attracted to other people from time to time - but have read countless stories of unfaithful women (never men) finding themselves kissing a guy or worse and saying "I never dreamed it would happen to me" etc etc. I KNOW I am capable of infidelity, I just stay away from it and put out the "I'm happily married" vibes to leave women in no doubt.

If your husband had openly said to you that he enjoys watching porn from time time to time, but being with you was much more fulfilling to him, and he uses it as a masturbation aid - to me that's all porn is - and had asked if you would be interested in watching it with him sometime, would your reaction have been different? Or do you view porn as bad in itself? After watching porn, I literally couldn't tell you what I have watched. Certainly don't have a spreadsheet comparing the porn women to my wife as some seem to imagine.

If so, where do you stand on romantic / erotic fiction (50 shades) ? What about female masturbation? What about your H masturbating without porn? What about you masturbating? Just curious where the problem is for you.


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## SimplyAmorous

@Daisy12 I think this book could be of help to you & your husband.. .it was written by a husband and wife.. both in your shoes, how they struggled & resolved this issue... with open honest communication.. hearing each other out.. 

Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship 


> Love and Pornography chronicles a couple's struggle to find the openness, honesty and integrity to deal with a subject that is detested by some yet captivating, even compulsive to others. The authors' compassionate nonjudgmental message will defuse the polarized dialogue around porn. Providing the tools to understand the needs on both sides, this ground-breaking approach promotes the insight and awareness necessary to move beyond the conflict and emerge with a relationship stronger, more loving, and more resilient than ever before.
> 
> Flash! Love and Pornography is the winner of the Silver Medal for Sexuality and Relationships in the Independent Publishers Book Awards for 2010. It was also selected as a finalist in the 2010 Book of the Year Awards by Foreword Magazine, a leading journal in the publishing industry.


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## reboot

A good marriage should be porn free, I agree, but what have you been doing or not doing that might inspire his seeking porn?

Do you read romance novels, the equivalent of female porn? That is damaging to a marriage.

How often do you initiate sex vs him?

How often have you coldly rejected sex with him without a sensible explanation?

Just trying to weigh in with a 15-year married man's perspective.


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## Good Guy

reboot said:


> A good marriage should be porn free,


This depends on the couple.


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## Daisy12

reboot said:


> A good marriage should be porn free, I agree, but what have you been doing or not doing that might inspire his seeking porn?
> 
> Do you read romance novels, the equivalent of female porn? That is damaging to a marriage.
> 
> How often do you initiate sex vs him?
> 
> How often have you coldly rejected sex with him without a sensible explanation?
> 
> Just trying to weigh in with a 15-year married man's perspective.



I know I have contributed to why husband turned to porn, yes I have done all the things you say above and at the time I did not know the damage I was doing. After the first time I found the porn out, he never told me what he really needed so I just assumed it was just more sex and I did decrease the amount of sex we had, but obviously it wasn't enough and it wasn't the quality of sex he needed. I was trying on my end the last few years, but with no input from him, and I tried to talk to him but he was still too uncomfortable to talk to me about sex. How was I to know that what I was doing was still not enough for him. This is what hurts me the most as i have been trying to please him but with no input from him i was not meeting his needs and he eventually turned to porn anyway, but not near as often as he did the first time around.

We are communicating way better now and I am becoming more comfortable to pursue him sexually with no fear of rejection on my end. I am doing everything he wants and in returned he is fulfill all my wants and needs, but i still worry that the porn will creep back in. I still worry that he will begin to lie and hide things from me again, which has been the main reason that all this has hurt me as much as it has. I have lost respect for him because he has looked me in the eyes and lied to my face and that kind of betrayal from the person you love more than life it's self cuts deep and heals slow.


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## arbitrator

*Did you say earlier or have the two of you actually been in ongoing intensive counseling/therapy over this porn issue of his?

Porn occasionally used together by a consenting couple as a primer in their sex lives could well have some benefits; but if habitually used alone, by him, or say by any individual with an unapproving spouse, then it could well become more of a crutch! *


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## jld

Daisy12 said:


> I still worry that he will begin to lie and hide things from me again, which has been the main reason that all this has hurt me as much as it has. I have lost respect for him because he has looked me in the eyes and lied to my face and that kind of betrayal from the person you love more than life it's self cuts deep and heals slow.


Does he know this? Have you told it to him just this clearly and specifically?


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## Daisy12

jld said:


> Does he know this? Have you told it to him just this clearly and specifically?


Yes, he know how much he has hurt me and how this has caused me to lose respect and trust for him. He realizes now how much damage he has done to me and our marriage with his lack of communication for his wants and needs. I have once ever seen my husband cry once in the 20 years we have been together and this time he has shown me more honest remorse and anger at himself for what he has done. 

Even with all the changes and the work we have done i am still unsure if our marriage will succeed. I am still having a hard time trusting again and it's not fair to me to go one constantly suspicious of what he is doing and it's not fair to him. It breaks my heart that this mistake of his might destroy a great marriage and family, but i have to be able to wake up every morning and look myself in the mirror and be able to look him in the eyes and truly trust and respect him. Trust is hard to repair once broken...


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## imnemtb

I am suffering as the wife of a porn addict. We've been married for 19 years. I always knew he looked at, but just recently I learned how bad the addiction can be The hardest part for me was that is an addiction and serious one. I chose to leave him prior to really understanding his addiction. We based the separation as just growing apart as we got older. Now I have been doing a lot of research about it and also have an appointment to seek my own therapy. This addiction crushed my world. I truly believe it as the root cause of our growing apart. I confronted him with the realization the other day for the first time and called him the addict. He did not disagree with me, but he showed no remorse for my pain I was sharing with him. Now I try to talk to him about it, calmly, friendly and he just shuts me out. He will not admit his complete addiction or even say that he is wiling to get help. He yells at my for my knowledge of the subject and tells me he will not ever talk to me about it. This is the most hurtful part is that I even though our marriage is over, I still want him to get better. He thinks his addiction is not related to our marriage issues, but everything else is. The usual fights about money, kids, vacations, etc. That is why I am seeking help for myself and try to keep strong enough to move on in my "golden" years. Good luck, but remember that porn is an addiction for most men and is a very deep rooted demon.


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