# 4 years of lying and cheating...



## WeepingAngel (Nov 20, 2013)

My husband and I separated about a month ago due to my no longer being able to trust him.

He came in to this relationship lying and cheating, and never stopped.

And now, I don't know how to move forward with my life. I feel stuck, and I can't stop blaming myself, even though I did nothing to cause it. When I asked him why he cheated and lied to me, he told me he did it because he was "bored and he felt like it."

Over the past four years, I have found out about multiple women and multiple hidden profiles.

He would try to convince me I was crazy every time I confronted him with evidence, and now I feel like maybe I am.

It hurts, all the time. I don't feel good enough, and I feel like it's just my destiny to always be cheated on.

How do I get through these feelings?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WeepingAngel said:


> My husband and I separated about a month ago due to my no longer being able to trust him.
> 
> He came in to this relationship lying and cheating, and never stopped.
> 
> ...


Hi. Sad you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

You will get a lot of help, here. Unfortunately there are many experts in what you are going through.

They'll give you advice and a cyber shoulder to cry on.

Also, would professional counselling be an option for you?


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## WeepingAngel (Nov 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Hi. Sad you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.
> 
> You will get a lot of help, here. Unfortunately there are many experts in what you are going through.
> 
> ...


Thank you.

Counselling is an option, but I don't know if I'm ready to go. My counsellor has been my therapist since I was 16, she was invited to my wedding, and I'm just not ready to talk about this with people I know, but I don't feel comfortable going to someone else.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

With time.. Read Codependent No More.. It's my go-to book right now.. 

Especially when I feel like I'm trying to get validation from people.. I KNOW he lied.. I KNOW he's an alcoholic.. 

But it's funny.. The same family members that swore up and down to me and my family that he was a liar, a screw up and an alcoholic? Are now defending him, saying, "well, he knew this woman, so it's not like he was REALLY cheating..." Which is guaranteed to make you crazy.. 

But.. I have finally realized.. I KNOW myself.. I TRUST myself.. I KNOW what was going on.. His family, which is what tipped me off!!! , KNOWS what's going on.. They will side with him, b/c it's a. family, and b. b/c they need to try to hide THEIR dysfunction.. 

you will get through it when you realize you need to.. That they are valid.. That you are RIGHT.. That being lied to every day is ABUSE. That someone who doesn't stand up for you and have your back can't POSSIBLY be your soulmate.. Right? Think about that.. SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T STAND UP FOR YOU OR HAVE YOUR BACK IS NOT, I REPEAT, NOT, YOUR SOULMATE. End of story. Period. End of sentence.. 

We need to learn to believe that.. Your soulmate and lover WILL have your back. End of story.. Period. End of sentence.

You WILL get through this.. B/c THIS is not your soulmate leaving you.. THIS is not your "marriage" ending.. B/c if it was your soulmate, they'd have your back. And if it was a true "marriage" it wouldn't be ending.. 

Think of that, until you are stronger to deal with everything else..


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## WeepingAngel (Nov 20, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> With time.. Read Codependent No More.. It's my go-to book right now..
> 
> Especially when I feel like I'm trying to get validation from people.. I KNOW he lied.. I KNOW he's an alcoholic..
> 
> ...


Thank you, you put words to what is going on in my head. He would rather let his family and friends think that I was the crazy, terrible person, than own up to anything he ever did to hurt me.

I keep trying to see that this obviously means he wasn't the one, but my emotions are all over the place right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WeepingAngel said:


> Thank you.
> 
> Counselling is an option, but I don't know if I'm ready to go. My counsellor has been my therapist since I was 16, she was invited to my wedding, and I'm just not ready to talk about this with people I know, but I don't feel comfortable going to someone else.


You need to tell her what's happened. Really.


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## quandtrtle (Nov 22, 2013)

The same family members that swore up and down to me and my family that he was a liar


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them".... Dalai Lama

When it's over, maybe we each look back with either pride or pain, warmth or shame. I think that some people's emotional needs are just so much greater than others through no fault of their own. It's a bit like parts of Africa, where people can't feed their kids. They need charity to live yet maybe fail at times to live up to expectations. Yet the giving still mattered.

You were the best thing in his life for 4 years. What is there to regret in giving?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them".... Dalai Lama
> 
> ... You were the best thing in his life for 4 years. What is there to regret in giving?


I'll have to disagree... very, very strongly with that


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## Aaronsmid (Sep 5, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I'll have to disagree... very, very strongly with that


Figures.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You probably will need some help detaching from someone who flat out said he cheated because he was "bored and felt like it" it wasn't a trip to the mall. What a jerk. 

If you have had the same therapist since you were 16 maybe it's time for a fresh perspective?


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

WeepingAngel said:


> My husband and I separated about a month ago due to my no longer being able to trust him.
> 
> He came in to this relationship lying and cheating, and never stopped.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WeepingAngel (Nov 20, 2013)

Aaronsmid said:


> "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them".... Dalai Lama
> 
> When it's over, maybe we each look back with either pride or pain, warmth or shame. I think that some people's emotional needs are just so much greater than others through no fault of their own. It's a bit like parts of Africa, where people can't feed their kids. They need charity to live yet maybe fail at times to live up to expectations. Yet the giving still mattered.
> 
> You were the best thing in his life for 4 years. What is there to regret in giving?


There's a lot to regret. I regret giving to someone everything that I had, while I was emotionally neglected and verbally abused. I regret valuing myself so little as to give myself to someone who would treat me so badly.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Your self esteem and confidence has taken a battering. It is clear from your words of self doubt. You should be moving on and saying 'my god, thank goodness I have got out of this after only 4 years and not 40! But instead you are introspective and full of self blame and suspicion of people. Your destiny to be abused! 

I know about the verbal abuse and the manipulation and gaslighting (designed to make out you are the crazy one, not him), so I'm not coming from a place of ignorance. 

The only thing you can do is read up on this behaviour so you can spot it when it comes round again (and there are a few of these people out there, you will come across it again! Whether in the workplace or in personal relationships), read a lot on it, and get yourself some positive counselling and go to some clubs, get some hobbies, improve your life! That will improve your confidence and self esteem.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

> he did it because he was "bored and he felt like it."


^^^ says it all. 


It's time to cut the cord. You can't make a man out of a boy or bestow maturity where immaturity reigns. The sense of entitlement is astounding. NO respect at all. Start the 180 for your own health. (see my sig line for the 180 guide)


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

WeepingAngel said:


> There's a lot to regret. I regret giving to someone everything that I had, while I was emotionally neglected and verbally abused. I regret valuing myself so little as to give myself to someone who would treat me so badly.


You need to start IC ASAP. If your counselor is so close to you, she would understand. Don't feel ashamed about what you are going through, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Also, you need the support of a close family member or a friend. In our time of need we really get to see who our real well-wishers are. 

Don't be ashamed to share your situation with the people you are close to. They can be of real help in a time of crisis.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

WeepingAngel said:


> There's a lot to regret. I regret giving to someone everything that I had, while I was emotionally neglected and verbally abused. I regret valuing myself so little as to give myself to someone who would treat me so badly.


Embrace this regret, but don't let it drive you down, instead -> let it drive you to be a better, stronger and wiser person. Everyone makes mistakes. LEARN from it, appreciate the lessons that life has taught you and the fact that now you know and no more will you put up with this sh-t! Four years could have been 8 years, or more. Put your foot down and say -> no more. No more will you be a doormat.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Screw Regret.. 

I hear you, sister.. Believe me, I do.. And, at times, I struggle with it as well.. You have NO idea.. 

BUT, what I try to remember, is that everything happens for a reason.. We were meant to go through this.. We were meant to be in their lives, and they were meant to be in ours, for whatever reason.. We don't know why now, but maybe next month, maybe next year, maybe in 10 years, maybe never, we'll finally see WHY this had to happen.. 

My favorite poem of all time is Desiderata.. And one of the best lines is this, in my estimation:

"And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"

This is all how it is meant to be.. *hugs* to you.. I know the regret.. I regret that I wasted 10 years on someone that clearly never loved me.. He loved that *I* loved him so much.. I made him feel good.. And when I stopped making him feel good? He dropped me, our 2 kids and found someone else to make him feel good.. How sad is that? 

I could have had one more kid.. But I made choices, b/c he already had 3 from his 1st marriage.. I can't have anymore.. I'm almost 40 years old, and I'll never have that little boy I dreamed of.. 

So, trust me, I get it.. BUT, I'm embracing the fact that THIS all happened for a reason.. I wasn't meant to have that little boy, I was meant to have my 2 gorgeous girls instead.. Maybe I was meant to raise them alone so they can.. cure cancer, save the person who does cure cancer, become a rock star.. who knows? But, I guess I'll find out.. 

And so will you.. This happened for a reason, although it feels like the worst blow in the world.. Your path is unfolding EXACTLY how its supposed to.. Keep faith in that, if nothing else..

No one said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WeepingAngel said:


> It hurts, all the time. I don't feel good enough, and I feel like it's just my destiny to always be cheated on.
> 
> How do I get through these feelings?


By (1) getting mad as hell at him for wasting your time and (2) getting therapy to STOP feeling not good enough. If you get 2, 1 will come.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

turnera said:


> By (1) getting mad as hell at him for wasting your time and (2) getting therapy to STOP feeling not good enough. If you get 2, 1 will come.


Absolutely. Use your anger in a positive way. Not to lash out at him, but to detach from him and fuel your resolve to move on with your life. It can help push the regret into the background.

His "I did it because I was bored" response, would be plenty enough for most. The idea that he values his vows so cavalierly - that's all I would need to hear.


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