# Work/Jobs at home/Childcare - cant do it all



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Yet this is what wife seems to expect at times.

If I'm at work, I get moans that the DIY is not being done and shes left with the baby. If I'm doing DIY, I get moans that even when I'm home shes left with the baby.

If I'm looking after the baby, she moans that DIY is not getting done. (And you can guarantee she'd moan if there was no money coming in!).

Get the impression sometimes that my wife thinks the world is a perfect place and shes a princess or something and that she is not allowed to be inconvenienced at all and everything must go how she thinks. Sure shes got this romantic idea that I go to work, earn a fortune, but still be at her beck and call and she just becomes a lady of leisure.

I work short-term contracts and earn a decent income. Sometimes its a long commute and long hours - but still I apparently have a rest going to work and she does the hard work. 

Recently, I've been doing lower paid stuff and offered to stay at home and she go to work. Stunned silence at that one! Never going to happen in a million years. Moans if she has to work 15 hours a week, 10 mins drive down the road.....

Surely I'm not the only one?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sounds likes she needs a basic lesson in economics. Work brings in income, which pays for the house the kids the food and everything else. If she can come up with a easier way to bring in income besides working, please have her share.

I like working. I work from home but travel a lot, get to meet different people. But if we won the powerball I would leave my job today. I'd much rather be home with my family. Same with my wife, we both work full time because we need the two incomes. She would much rather be a SAHM. Realty of it all is we can't afford her to do that.

Chores are split evenly. I keep up with laundry, dishes, vacuuming during the week. She will dust, clean bathrooms on weekend. Yard work is almost exclusively mine. With two kids we do the best we can. It's not a contest of who does what. If something doesn't get done life goes on. 

Let her know you appreciate her watching after the baby. That itself is a full time job, plus. How old is the baby? Is she PPD? Underlying issue may be you get to "escape" while she is home with the baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Most of the problems with wives that don't (or won't) work are resolved by them getting a job.

They get bored and lonely sitting at home all day, and guess what they spend all their time doing? Laundry? Nope. Cleaning? HAH!

What they do is sit on their asses watching TV and stewing over everything you don't do for them. 

One of the conditions of my not leaving my wife was that she work a full time job. So far, it's solved MANY of our issues. I still do all the housework, etc.. but at least it's better than when she didn't work and I still did it all.

Funny also, a commercial came on TV the other day, where some "reality" show had a wife who didn't work, sat around all day and did nothing, and she commented on it, saying she didn't understand how someone could sit around all day and do nothing..

She didn't notice my awkward silence, or the dumbfounded look on my face as I wondered how she could no realize exactly how much "nothing" she did for 10 years... Amazing. She didn't even understand or comprehend her own shortcomings. 

These types of women really are princesses.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> Yet this is what wife seems to expect at times.
> 
> If I'm at work, I get moans that the DIY is not being done and shes left with the baby. If I'm doing DIY, I get moans that even when I'm home shes left with the baby.
> 
> ...




Some people simply do not live in reality. It's a scary thought that there are more than one of these people out there.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am a SAHM of older children. It is very clear in our home that Dad works very long hours and does NOT have to do any chores. DH will fix the cars and major things around the house. Between me and the teens we do all the chores/shopping etc. His role is to provide and mine is to care for the home. 

When we had newborns though it was a little harder for me and I did ask him to help out more, which he lovingly did.

Yes, your wife is on the selfish side.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Uh oh, blush, might be one of the princesses here . . .

She is probably just lonely, and it sounds like she likes being with you, so feel good about that.

Could you take time to really explain clearly to her how long it takes to get DIY things done? And the reality of how hard it is to earn money, and how much is needed?

Maybe ask her how she would like you to meet all these responsibilities differently?

She is at a hard time of life. She needs support. Does she have any friends/family/neighbors she can turn to?

Try to be kind and patient, but explain reality, too. 

It will get better as the baby gets older.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> Yet this is what wife seems to expect at times.
> 
> If I'm at work, I get moans that the DIY is not being done and shes left with the baby. If I'm doing DIY, I get moans that even when I'm home shes left with the baby.
> 
> ...


Bob, she is bored and has not too many interactions with others. Having a baby is very intense and frustrating.

Be patient, my wife was the same way when our older kids were young. It gets better as the kids get older.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Do you have another new dad to talk about these things with? Women forget new dad's need support too!


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I'm a Divorced Mother

Single Mom

Done IT ALL for 14+ years

think about THAT


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You have had a hard life, UU. You have my sympathy.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Thanks JLD.

It isn't that bad. One does what they have to do and what is right. 

My point is that people need to count their blessings and look at things in a different way.

OP is letting his wife live in fairy tale land.
She doesn't know how good and EASY she has it.
He needs to nip it in the bud and pronto.
They need to discuss division of labor, current expectations, future expectations and a REALITY check.

Do it NOW before you set the stage for failure, exhaustion and resentment.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Forgot to add shes ill at the moment which doesnt help. Basically means shes tired all the time and has problems getting around.

I know it must be really tough for her some days...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Forgot to add shes ill at the moment which doesnt help. Basically means shes tired all the time and has problems getting around.
> 
> I know it must be really tough for her some days...


I think seeking to understand your dw, and then to be understood by her, will get both of you to a good, mutually supportive place in the relationship.

I know you can lead the way to this, Bob. Best of luck.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jld said:


> I think seeking to understand your dw, and then to be understood by her, will get both of you to a good, mutually supportive place in the relationship.
> 
> I know you can lead the way to this, Bob. Best of luck.


Jld....you are always sooo sweet!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> Jld....you are always sooo sweet!


Well, thank you, over20!


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jld said:


> I think seeking to understand your dw, and then to be understood by her, will get both of you to a good, mutually supportive place in the relationship.
> 
> I know you can lead the way to this, Bob. Best of luck.


To be honest the hardest thing is ignoring it or at least not causing an argument over it. When shes irrational I get annoyed and think why are you doing this? When she speaks to me like crap I get annoyed and think who do you think you are? Its tough...

I guess there are two schools of thought:-

1. Man up and don't let her get away with it.
2. Ride it out as best you can.

Normally, I'd be a (1) person but, even though wife is like this a little normally, I can't help thinking illness has made things worse for her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> To be honest the hardest thing is ignoring it or at least not causing an argument over it. When shes irrational I get annoyed and think why are you doing this? When she speaks to me like crap I get annoyed and think who do you think you are? Its tough...
> 
> I guess there are two schools of thought:-
> 
> ...


Getting her on a gluten-free, dairy-free diet would go a long way towards relieving her symptoms. Can you google diet and RA?

Once she is feeling better, she is not going to be so dependent on you. You two will be able to take rational decisions _together._ As long as she is not feeling good, that is not going to happen.

And she needs social support. She needs other people in her life, or she is going to keep bothering you.

My dh does not hop every time I yell at him. Honestly, I try to get some emotion out of him. If you want to take a play from him, let her yell and scream and say, uh huh, uh huh, and do what you think is best, regardless of her feelings.

Okay, a better way would be to listen to her, repeat back to her what she just said, and try to understand what is at the heart of her complaining. Then address the root problem(s).

Again, you two need some realistic expectations. If you do not get some diet changes in there (offer to do it with her), she is not going to feel better. The doctor is going to put her on heavy duty drugs and she will just gradually get worse, though yes, she (and you) will be able to eat whatever you want. The *****ing will never end, bob.

She wants the money. Change the diet, and tell her you are going the more money route. Tell her you will be available from 7-7, or whatever is realistic, but you would like her to e-mail you her feelings when you are working. That way you know what she is thinking, but you can hear it when it is convenient for you.

But then do spend some time talking with her when you get home at 7 pm, okay?

Maybe you can afford to have someone else do the DIY, if you make more money.

No one gets it all, and not right away. RA requires a diet change if you want to avoid long term damage from drugs. If both of you face up to reality, this does not have to be a huge, stressful deal.

Life is hard, bob. We are all dealing with it. You are not alone.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> To be honest the hardest thing is ignoring it or at least not causing an argument over it. When shes irrational I get annoyed and think why are you doing this? When she speaks to me like crap I get annoyed and think who do you think you are? Its tough...
> 
> I guess there are two schools of thought:-
> 
> ...


Also, forget #1. It will just create more friction between you two, because she will not feel listened to. She already trusts you and feels comfortable with you. You two are too mature and love each other too much (as evidenced by your sensitivity to her, a good thing) for #1 to work anyway.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jld said:


> Getting her on a gluten-free, dairy-free diet would go a long way towards relieving her symptoms. Can you google diet and RA?
> 
> Once she is feeling better, she is not going to be so dependent on you. You two will be able to take rational decisions _together._ As long as she is not feeling good, that is not going to happen.
> 
> ...


Hi jld,

Thanks for the input. You seem a supporter of the diet change thing. 

Is there any scientific basis for this? Why dont the docs suggest this then?

No-one has so far...


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Because western medicine hasnt fully embraced the holistic approach, of which part is diet

think about it....the additives and preservatives in food are not natural and are bad for you

I would always try changing/alterring diet ....simple way to reap benefits


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Hi jld,
> 
> Thanks for the input. You seem a supporter of the diet change thing.
> 
> ...


No one did to my sister, either. I came across it in my vegan readings.

I will do some research for you, okay? It is dh's birthday, and we are going to do his cake now before he leaves for work.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> Because western medicine hasnt fully embraced the holistic approach, of which part is diet
> 
> think about it....the additives and preservatives in food are not natural and are bad for you
> 
> I would always try changing/alterring diet ....simple way to reap benefits


I agree with this. Docs have very prescriptive work flows. They hinge on orderables. My brother has completely reversed his type 2 diabetes with nothing but diet, completely against the standard wisdom of diabetes educators.

OP what does she have to lose?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Phyllis Heaphy: McDougall Program Success Stories | Dr. McDougall's Health & Medical Center


Diet: Only Hope for Arthritis | Dr. McDougall's Health & Medical Center

This should give you a start. Basically, I just went over to the McDougall Diet Center website and searched "rheumatoid arthritis." The folks over there have a lot of experience with putting disease into remission using a low-fat, starch-based vegan diet. It is simple and cheap.

Let me know if you have any questions, bob, and good luck. RA is not pleasant at all, and getting it into remission could truly be the silver bullet for your issues. I think many here wish a single thing could turn around their situations!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How old is the baby?
With our first, I stayed home a couple of months until going back to my job, then I quit and have been a sahm for 20 years.
When the kids were little, I made a point to make friends and spend time with them frequently. We all had little kids who would play together and we enjoyed those times very much. Some of those women are still my friends today and my kids are all older.
She needs to make some friends. I joined LaLeche League and Bible studies. Those a good places to make friends, plus with Bible studies I felt I was learning and growing and my children were in the nursery. It was a good time. As the kids got older and I got them out to activities more often, I sometimes felt guilty that I was having so much fun while my husband was busting his butt at work, but it was worth it to come home to a family happy to see him and a clean (if not somewhat messy) house and a good meal.
She needs encouragement to get out and find some friends and to make a happy life for herself and your child. She seems to be a bit self-absorbed at the moment.
I am also wondering if she might have postpartum depression, which is why I asked how old your child is.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I agree with this. Docs have very prescriptive work flows. They hinge on orderables. My brother has completely reversed his type 2 diabetes with nothing but diet, completely against the standard wisdom of diabetes educators.
> 
> OP what does she have to lose?


True enough. Forgive me I'm sceptical though


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> How old is the baby?
> With our first, I stayed home a couple of months until going back to my job, then I quit and have been a sahm for 20 years.
> When the kids were little, I made a point to make friends and spend time with them frequently. We all had little kids who would play together and we enjoyed those times very much. Some of those women are still my friends today and my kids are all older.
> She needs to make some friends. I joined LaLeche League and Bible studies. Those a good places to make friends, plus with Bible studies I felt I was learning and growing and my children were in the nursery. It was a good time. As the kids got older and I got them out to activities more often, I sometimes felt guilty that I was having so much fun while my husband was busting his butt at work, but it was worth it to come home to a family happy to see him and a clean (if not somewhat messy) house and a good meal.
> ...


almost 9 months old now.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Kaboom said:


> Most of the problems with wives that don't (or won't) work are resolved by them getting a job.
> 
> They get bored and lonely sitting at home all day, and guess what they spend all their time doing? Laundry? Nope. Cleaning? HAH!
> 
> ...


Boredom leads to the need for drama and pointless arguments. The lack of self-awareness is very important though and why any advice that starts "Sit down with her and..." is often ineffective. Getting your head sorted, the weight off yourself and then approaching (possibly with a form of a** kicking) can work better.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> Boredom leads to the need for drama and pointless arguments. The lack of self-awareness is very important though and why any advice that starts "Sit down with her and..." is often ineffective. Getting your head sorted, the weight off yourself and then approaching (possibly with a form of a** kicking) can work better.


There is certainly some truth to your post, but I do think it is important to talk to her, and more importantly, to listen to what she has to say. She is smart, too. She is your partner, and you need to understand her as well as you can. She wants to contribute to your life, too.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

jld said:


> There is certainly some truth to your post, but I do think it is important to talk to her, and more importantly, to listen to what she has to say. She is smart, too. She is your partner, and you need to understand her as well as you can. She wants to contribute to your life, too.


I think we agree. The "Sit her down and...." mention is that it comes from the point of view of someone who has it all worked out and benevolently explaining it to the person who should be grateful to hear it. Even if you are right (a big if), if it is that obvious, there is a reason why the person is rejecting it.

Trying to understand what is driving them and what their fears are is normally a better approach. Their motivations may not be reasonable, but that is a different matter.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> I think we agree. The "Sit her down and...." mention is that it comes from the point of view of someone who has it all worked out and benevolently explaining it to the person who should be grateful to hear it. Even if you are right (a big if), if it is that obvious, there is a reason why the person is rejecting it.
> 
> Trying to understand what is driving them and what their fears are is normally a better approach. Their motivations may not be reasonable, but that is a different matter.


Sometimes dh just wants to rather forcefully do things his way, and even if I am compliant, it just is not as fulfilling as if we are both in agreement.

Your second paragraph is so true. Thanks for writing it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, you and your W need to make it a rule that she doesn't phone you whilst at work to discuss DIY. Set aside a certain time over the weekend (unless it's an emergency) when you are available to do these things, and stick to it.

Just as your W needs some time out from babycare (SAHMs tend to work it so that they do this when the child is sleeping), you also need some relaxation when you come home from work. You both need some 'off duty' time, but it does sound like your W isn't taking yours into consideration.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I vowed early in life to NEVER marry a woman who is unwilling or unable to contribute to household finances...i.e. work

If she is an entitled princess then its time for a life lesson


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

It sounds like OP's wife was a bit of a "princess" or drama queen before the baby and the recently diagnosed illness.

There's probably resentment on both sides because of it. Now she has a legitimate reason to feel exhausted, overwhelmed and in physical pain and is caring for the 8 month old baby to boot. I agree that OP can't do it all but right now her illness is not in remission or under control. You both need to get educated on how to manage it and she needs to be proactive in getting her symptoms under control.

I would support her with seeking the medical treatment necessary as well as making diet changes to improve her RA symptoms. My mom did take both the conventional and holistic approach. I don't think there is a cure all because she'd have remission periods for up to three years at a time and then all of a sudden - a flare, despite her attempts to eat a healthy diet. 

She spent years going to naturopaths, getting acupenture treatments and holistic dieticians in addition to seeing RA specialists, her family doctor and a rheumatologist regularly. Nonetheless the disease progressed until her death in 2003.

Priority numero uno still seems to me that tackling the recently diagnosed illness is the most important thing. Once you deal with that, then focus on negotiating work prospects and what needs to be done around the house. It will be much easier on the three of you once your wife is healthy. When she is in remission, she should be behaving like an equal partner and contributing at home or at a job - though many people with RA do have to retire early due to the disabilities RA can cause.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

I love these discussions; you've all made such insightful/enlightening contributions. I for one have learned something today - looks like I need to review my diet for one thing!


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Kaboom said:


> Most of the problems with wives that don't (or won't) work are resolved by them getting a job.
> 
> They get bored and lonely sitting at home all day, and guess what they spend all their time doing? Laundry? Nope. Cleaning? HAH!
> 
> ...


Or, she was depressed during that period of her life and couldn't see things for how they were. I do believe that staying home for years can be very isolating and depressing.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Depression and obesity are both hugely serious conditions. For some people, there is little choice. For others they are caused by lifestyle, but that does make them easy to shift.

My wife puts her lack of motivation down to depression. I have been there are saw her act lazy and self-indulgent and that made her depressed. Just as getting obese makes it harder to start eating well and losing weight, she is now stuck with being depressed.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Or, she was depressed during that period of her life and couldn't see things for how they were. I do believe that *staying home for years can be very isolating and depressing*.


For sure.

I am at a point where I would probably enjoy getting a full-time job. I would enjoy the intellectual stimulation and the interaction with other adults. 

But we still have school-age kids, and we have committed to homeschooling them. So I need to get my intellectual stimulation and my interaction with other adults (real needs of mine) elsewhere. That's part of why I am here.

My husband's support is key. I don't think I could do any of this if he were not pushing for it. He is who I turn to when I just want to quit, when it all just seems like a drudge. He is very affirming and really believes in the value of SAHMs.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> Depression and obesity are both hugely serious conditions. For some people, there is little choice. For others they are caused by lifestyle, but that does make them easy to shift.
> 
> My wife puts her lack of motivation down to depression. I have been there are saw her act lazy and self-indulgent and that made her depressed. Just as getting obese makes it harder to start eating well and losing weight, she is now stuck with being depressed.


She doesn't have to be stuck. Had you considered telling her that you want to get healthy together and would like to sit down and write out a menu plan that you can follow together to increase your health and that you'd like to start working out together? This can be a great motivator, if you are willing to do it with her.
I have been health conscious for years. I even grind my own organic wheat and make pretty much everything from scratch. Within the last year, I have been studying new developments in nutrition due to having gained about 30 lbs with no idea why. My doctor couldn't tell me what the problem was either. I was tired all the time and gaining weight, but seemed to be eating super healthy.
I made some changes in my diet and lost 15 lbs, but couldn't get further down. I did more study and made racial changes which resulted in losing an additional 15 lbs., so now I am back down to a comfortable weight.
What I did was to eliminate all wheat. I no longer grind wheat, because I do not use it. I cut back significantly on grains. The only grains I eat are organic corn and rice and in small quantities no more than once per day. I cut out all cow's milk dairy. I can eat some goat or sheep cheese, but cow's milk products give me digestive upset. I have added a ton of vegetables and some fruit daily.
I also exercise 5-6 times per week, but for about six months I went on a special exercise program using the book Pain Free.
I feel so much better it's hard to describe. I have a ton of energy. I am stronger and feel good.
I will be 50 this year, but I feel better than I did when I was 35. I weight about the same as I did at 35, but now I have a more toned, fit body. So I am in better shape all around than I was 15 years ago. It can be done. I am living proof. It takes effort, but if you are working together and encouraging each other, you can do it and it is so worth it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jld said:


> For sure.
> 
> I am at a point where I would probably enjoy getting a full-time job. I would enjoy the intellectual stimulation and the interaction with other adults.
> 
> But we still have school-age kids, and we have committed to homeschooling them. So I need to get my intellectual stimulation and my interaction with other adults (real needs of mine) elsewhere. That's part of why I am here.


I just wanted to say good on you with homeschooling. I homeschooled the kids for a few years. It was wonderful. 



> My husband's support is key. I don't think I could do any of this if he were not pushing for it. He is who I turn to when I just want to quit, when it all just seems like a drudge. He is very affirming and really believes in the value of SAHMs.


It took some time for my husband to see the value. But he was always supportive based on our discussions. I agree. If Dad isn't in, woa. Tough.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> She doesn't have to be stuck. Had you considered telling her that you want to get healthy together and would like to sit down and write out a menu plan that you can follow together to increase your health and that you'd like to start working out together? This can be a great motivator, if you are willing to do it with her.
> I have been health conscious for years. I even grind my own organic wheat and make pretty much everything from scratch. Within the last year, I have been studying new developments in nutrition due to having gained about 30 lbs with no idea why. My doctor couldn't tell me what the problem was either. I was tired all the time and gaining weight, but seemed to be eating super healthy.
> I made some changes in my diet and lost 15 lbs, but couldn't get further down. I did more study and made racial changes which resulted in losing an additional 15 lbs., so now I am back down to a comfortable weight.
> What I did was to eliminate all wheat. I no longer grind wheat, because I do not use it. I cut back significantly on grains. The only grains I eat are organic corn and rice and in small quantities no more than once per day. I cut out all cow's milk dairy. I can eat some goat or sheep cheese, but cow's milk products give me digestive upset. I have added a ton of vegetables and some fruit daily.
> ...


She has started cutting out sugar from her diet, but I do not think that would have happened if I had pushed it. We have also started doing gentle yoga in the evenings, which is what would suit her best. Fortunately, the dog helps too, along with me saying that I want to leave.

You do not have to convince me of the benefits. I would not be able to forst the view on someone else.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> I vowed early in life to NEVER marry a woman who is unwilling or unable to contribute to household finances...i.e. work
> 
> If she is an entitled princess then its time for a life lesson


Would you have married a woman who is totally devoted to children and homemaking vs a career? Is a woman's only valuable contribution is to the family's finances? I am not being disagreeable but trying to understand your Point of View.....:scratchhead:

Marriage goes through so many seasons.....sometimes both spouses work outside the home and sometimes, especially when babies are born the female sacrifices and stays home for a number of months or years to care for the children produced from the union. One can never put a price tag on a parent that chooses to stay home to raise babies....i.e. the future of our nation.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> She has started cutting out sugar from her diet, but I do not think that would have happened if I had pushed it. We have also started doing gentle yoga in the evenings, which is what would suit her best. Fortunately, the dog helps too, along with me saying that I want to leave.
> 
> You do not have to convince me of the benefits. I would not be able to forst the view on someone else.


This is very good. It is not about forcing your view on anyone. It is about encouraging her to be involved with you in getting healthy together and it sounds like you are doing that. Hopefully this will increase her positive feelings and improve her health and improve your relationship.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> One can never put a price tag on a parent that chooses to stay home to raise babies....i.e. the future of our nation.


I think that is how my husband sees it, too.

It took some courage to say that, over20. I salute you.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thank you jld


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