# is it time??



## thomas95 (May 24, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 18-1/2 years. Over the last 2-3 years I have left my husband twice and am now contemplating it a 3rd time. The last time I left, when I came back, I went to counseling alone even thought I told him we should go together. I explained to him that we should go to counseling together but as usual there isn't anything wrong with him, it is me. I know that he loves me but I have told him everything that I need several times but it always comes back to the same thing. 

My husband works very hard and is a great father but he requires more physical intimacy than I can give him. On a physical level he requires more attention than I have the energy for. 

When this happened twice before, he was great when I came back as far as giving me the emotional things that I needed as long as his physical needs were being met as a result of it. The issue becomes as the physical part starts to taper off, because I just can't physically keep up with him, the emotional part starts to die off too. We then end up in the same circle that we have been going through for years. 

I have tried to talk to him many times over the years. I have even gone as far as writing him a 4 page letter to try to get him to understand that I need more from him in order for us to have a relationship after our children are grown. We have 1 that is grown and moved away, 1 that is almost 18 years old and 1 that is almost 14 years old. It always ends up the same way. He tells me that I can include myself in any thing that he is doing or not it's up to me. He tells me that if I want more from him I have to come to him for everything, either emotionally or physically and thats just the way it has to be. He won't come to me for anything. The problem is that I am not an initiator. It's just not who I am. 

I was just laying in bed tonight thinking that it wouldn't bother me at all to see him with someone else even though earlier today I was trying to be playful with him. That lasted all of about 10 minutes then he was back to doing him own thing. 

I'm just thinking that it's time to move on. He will fight me the whole way but I just don't see any reason to stay together anymore. 

Does anyone see anything in what I described as a reason for me to keep fighting for this marriage that I am just completely overlooking? Any insight that anyone else has would be appreciated very much.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Your marriage has hit its "rut" stage. This is very common for marriages of 10+ years. I'll be honest, the moving out twice has probably caused him to not trust you very much. Its such a fine line. But he's probably waiting for you to leave again because of it.

Most people think after your thru the "itch" stage of a marriage things get easier, and in many ways they do. But the actual marriage itself takes 10x more work. The kids, and work have taken over your lives. Its important that you spend more time together (10-15 hours a week) than you've probably spent since you first started dating. You must set up date nights, take some walks together, and set up a routine that's puts you together, not apart.

Marriage counseling is an absolute must in my opinion. You need a 3rd person view of whats going on that's a neutral party. You might also give 5 love languages book a read, both of you! You may think walking away is gonna be easy, but that just tells me that you've built up a resentment for so long because your issues have been addressed. Your emotions are buried in that resentment in my opinion, but they are still there. You two can rekindle the magic, but it takes work. I cant tell if you or both of you are willing to try, but you cant do it by yourselves at this point.

It sounds like there may be some resentment on both sides, and the issues just aren't being addressed yet. I cant say what your state of mind really is, im sure you flop a little as should be expected. But I hope you both find the courage to give it a REAL effort, your marriage can be 10x stronger with some tools, breaking some old/bad habits, and finding the time for each other.

Good luck, I hope it works out, its not as fun out there as you think when you end up with the regret 6 months from now, for lack of putting in a real effort.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

The litmus test for me is becoming whether there is a demonstrated willingness to work on figuring out what needs to be fixed, and then following through.

His disinterest in even going to one MC appointment tells me he would fail that test. I doubt there is even one relationship on this planet where all the changes necessary are the responsibility of just one partner. Even if he is so perfect, why not show up at MC and impress and educate the counselor.

You have an evader, I'm sorry to say. It's hard to work on anything with someone like that.

(Caveat emptor: I'm in a really frustrated place right now, considering leaving myself. Maybe I am biased.)


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

How much physical intimacy does he need? I'm curious.

What are the emotional needs that you require that he doesn't fill?

You have something that your husband wants, you should use it to your advantage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well...if you have left and came back twice, and the same thing happened both times...I predict the same thing happening again. He sounds uninterested in participating in working on the relationship. Sounds like its time to go and find your happy.


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