# Anyone here in an open relationship?



## pattymarconi (Aug 26, 2008)

Just out of curiousity, any one here in an open relationship? I mentioned this to my hubby once and he thinks it's ridiculous. I sort of said it to him jokingly that maybe it'll spiced up our relationship, you know, at least we both know what we're doing. Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith and her husband Will Smith are in an open relationship, but apparently none of them have actually slept with other people.

So, if you are in an open relationship, did it really help your current relationship? Does sex more fun with your actual mate? 

Any comments guys? Just don't bash me ok, I am just asking here


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Well I was wondering if anyone was going to reply. 
I am not in an open relationship. I know you only asked for people who ARE in an open relationship, but I will reply anyway.

I can't fathom an open relationship because I think, like cheating, it can't help in the long run. Whatever problems there are before the open marriage, are sure to still be there during. 

I don't think I could gaurentee that I would remain emotionally faithful to my DH if he and I were to have sex with other couples/people. Sex is so intimate, it's the ultimate intimacy (into-me-see). How can it be purely physical? If there were ever a problem in our marriage, it would be so easy to lean on a past sex partner for emotional support. and then, BAM, you have created mistrust and emotional infidelity. 

I don't judge other people's lifestyle choices (I try not to) but I know I could never do it.


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## vlee (Jul 31, 2008)

i also am not in an open relationship and couldn't do it with someone i love.

if you and your husband have thought about the possibility of an open relationship think about what the two of you are lacking that you "think" you might find somewhere else. is sex not as good as it used to be? talk about your fantasies, make them come true together...maybe surprise him one night with a sexy outfit, candles, and yummy on-the-body treats to eat off one another. i dont know, just trying to think outside of the box for you.

if you are looking for an open relationship it could be because you don't appreciate one another the way you used and perhaps if you see what else is out there you will realize what the two of you had. i dont think getting it on with someone else would do the trick, go on a vacation with girlfriends to get away....

again...some options, thinking outside of the box for you, and promise not judging at all!


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

I'm not into one, but I share the same sentiment as GAsoccerman as I've read in this thread.

The psychology behind it, as far as I am concerned (meaning this is personal), is that I feel elated if I see my wife having fun. I feel very turned on if I see her having an orgasm. This being the case, I'm open to her having a physical relationship if she chooses to, because it will turn me on as well if I knew she was "getting off" with the experience.

Unfortunately for me, she had an emotional affair + physical, so I was devastated. It's the emotional part that bugs me, because I know that I can't "share" that part of our relationship.

I'm surprised no one in an actual open relationship has responded yet.


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## BadKittyNo (Apr 11, 2008)

I have a totally different opinion than many people on the subject. While many people would refer to my relationship as being "open", I don't feel that's an accurate description. To me an "open" relationship means that the partners are free to explore outside sexual relationships on their own as long as those relationships remain casual and without emotional attachment.

I *am* involved with somebody in addition to my husband, but my relationship with him is anything but casual. Over the past few years, he and I have nurtured our relationship to the point where we now have a very deep and strong emotional bond with each other. The spark of an emotional connection was there before anything physical ever happened. We never set out to find anybody, we just happened to meet and realized that there could be something very special between us if we allowed ourselves to let it happen. 

Most people cannot wrap their minds around it. To them, the fact that he and I love each other is what would be considered a worst case scenario and something to avoid at all costs.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

BadKitty-
Is hubby on board with this?


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## BadKittyNo (Apr 11, 2008)

" BadKitty-
Is hubby on board with this? "

Absolutely.

When I first realized that this new friend and I were feeling things for each other that people who are just friends don't feel, he and I stepped back so that we could think it over and so that I could discuss the matter with my husband. When my husband realized that there was potential for something very special and serious there and it was not just an infatuation, he gave his blessing for us to proceed slowly and with caution. I don't believe in doing anything behind the back of somebody you love, and I also know that if an alternative relationship has any chance of working out, there has to be complete openness and honesty among all involved.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

BadKittyNo said:


> To me an "open" relationship means that the partners are free to explore outside sexual relationships on their own as long as those relationships remain casual and without emotional attachment...
> .
> .
> I *am* involved with somebody in addition to my husband, but my relationship with him is anything but casual.


So in your own words, you are not in an "open" relationship because you actually became involved emotionally with this other man. Did I get that right? I'm not judging, I'm just confused.

With your situation, do you still love your husband "more" than the other guy? Or is he just someone that you have for companionship's sake?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have friends that have been married for over a decade and have an open marriage. They discussed all of this _before_ they got married.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Well Deejo is right, Open honesty and trust, and strong communication skills is a must.


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## jennyc (Aug 27, 2008)

I think open relationships are just odd. Even if you're not a jealous person, how can you be okay with someone else touching and doing more with the person you love. I just don't get it


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think you both have to be 100% in your minds thats what you want in your marriage or relationship. none of this 80/20 or 50/50.
from ppl i do know who were in open relationship - a few have split up and the open relationship was the problem.


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## BadKittyNo (Apr 11, 2008)

Sorry it took a while to respond, I have had spotty internet service as my state was affected by hurricane ike

" So in your own words, you are not in an "open" relationship because you actually became involved emotionally with this other man. Did I get that right? I'm not judging, I'm just confused."

Yes, many people consider it to be an open relationship, however since it involves a loving emotional bond with both I consider it a polyamorous relationship. It's just us three at this time, none of us are interested in looking for anybody else.

" With your situation, do you still love your husband "more" than the other guy? Or is he just someone that you have for companionship's sake? "

I love them both. I can't say I love either of them any more than a parent can say they love one child more than another. I can say that their personalities are very different so my relationships with them are very different. But both relationships are very serious committed loving relationships.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I have always been interested in poly relationships. Do you keep them separate sexually?


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## BadKittyNo (Apr 11, 2008)

" I have always been interested in poly relationships. Do you keep them separate sexually? "

For us, we do. All 3 of us are straight so the only thing between both guys is friendship. As far as anything like a threesome or something, it's not something we're interested in.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

BadKitty- Love the name by the way 
Very interesting, if it were me, I would prefer an MMF to her going off on her own. But it's not something I crave at all. But I would not turn it down if she "made me"


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> BadKitty- Love the name by the way
> Very interesting, if it were me, I would prefer an MMF to her going off on her own. But it's not something I crave at all. But I would not turn it down if she "made me"


Im with you on this one!:smthumbup:


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## hope01 (Sep 8, 2008)

I'm not in one either, but H and I discussed it at one time... and although it sounds like something that might work...we came upon the bottom line that ...Wait, it seems good...but deeper into the relationship(s) , someone will NOT feel right.... and with some people I have spoken to..it is the man usually having the issue, and thus making matters worse than they are.... So unless, this is something you have both been open to from the start, i think it is very difficult to just fall into the lifestyle.... experimentation is not bad, but beware... if this isnt your real cup of tea... someone can get burned at the end!


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## dbj1971 (May 29, 2008)

Before I begin, I noticed in this thread where at least three times someone went out of their way to say they weren't judging. Somehow, words like "excuse" and "judge" have taken on completely negative meanings in society's eyes. However, sometimes an "excuse" is legitimate (ex, I was late because I really was sick), and using "judgement" is not only wise but responsible. Anyway, part of loving a spouse like you really are supposed to is giving them your all. Hopefully, we don't have to have a debate about whether or not that's really necessary.

So, by definition, if you're giving your ALL to someone, there's nothing left to give to another. Follow me, here... in light of this, then, it's impossible to really give yourself to two people romantically, 100%. Someone or both is going to get short-changed. What you're really doing is giving less than your all, and therefore less than your best, to each person. I would also say that the spouse is getting a raw deal, because even if he's getting an equal or greater part of yourself, he committed to you legally in marriage, whereas the other man (johnny come lately) bears no actual legal ramifications if things go sour. So, your hubby bears the greater vulnerability and has thefore shown the greater commitment from the very start. I've often thought that if someone is truly satisfied with something and full in their satisfaction, then they don't go looking for something else; to do so is a sign that they aren't really satisfied with the person they're with. I'd also have to wonder about someone really not minding that their spouse is giving intimacy to another; call me judgmental but they're either lying or they don't really love enough to care, like they should.

Before you all start attacking me for being prude, old-fashioned, or whatever, I challenge you to show me two marriages where people have been together for more than 10 years in "open" marriage. I say show me two, because there's usually that one rare exception, so someone may jump up and say they know one case, but putting aside that "lightning in a bottle..." I know, a lot of non-open marriages end up in divorce too (what, 50% or more), but I'd be willing to bet that 99% or better of "open" marriages don't make it to year 10 (and probably not even that close).

I don't know why anyone would want to get in an "open" marriage anyway, unless you just want to keep playing the field with the added benefit of having your old stand-by, backup there at the ready in case you hit a dry spell. Another bad thing, the first time you have a major argument, it would be so easy to retreat into the arms of the other instead of working things out with your husband. If you put two people together and burn all other bridges, they'll more likely work things out, but if they know they have that one (or more bridges) they can cross as an escape, well, you know, it's human nature to follow the path of least resistance... Also, if I was in an open relationship and had a blow-up with my spouse, it would be a nightmare to me to think she's with the other dude tonight, probably being intimate and crying in his arms about what a sod I am.

It seems like when I say things like this, some ultra-liberal moral irrelevists attack me. I don't say it mean-spirited, I say it in love. I, too, want to not stand in judgement of any man. You asked for input, and this is mine. I'm probably a part of the so-called silent majority... folks that don't express their opinions as much as they should but probably represent a far greater percentage of the population than you might think.

I wish you the best, but an open relationship is a dead-end. It's basically playing the field with two of the players agreeing to live together and play with each other occasionally.

I've said my peace, now let the inevitable attacks begin.


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## BadKittyNo (Apr 11, 2008)

"I've said my peace, now let the inevitable attacks begin. "

First off, no attacks here. I may not agree with your opinion regarding the way I choose to live my life, but you have every right to that opinion. Your opinion may have no meaning for me, but it obviously is meaningful for you and I respect that.

The way I see it, we're happy and that's really all that matters. There are a LOT of unhappy people out there, there are a LOT of unhappy relationships out there. We could be on their side of the fence instead.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dbj1971 said:


> I've said my peace, now let the inevitable attacks begin.


Well said >clap< >clap< >clap< >clap<

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

last three posts all very interesting....

it is a matter of different strokes for different folks.

The person asking the question, is curious, but I do not think they should go through with this, becuase they are looking for a supplement for their marriage and this was not the "plan" from the beginning. this would be changing the dynamic of the marriage to a completely different level.

While an open relationship can work I know quite a few couples that are like this for numerous years, some over 10 years. They are "special" people...it works for them, it doesn't work for me, and many others on this board it would not work for, but it works for some.

I suggest you just enjoy the fantasy of it to yourself and leave it at that, find other outlets for you and your spouse.

And DJB, don't take this as an attack, but don't condem something, just because you don't like it or never tried it. Some people are conservative some are liberal, I think we all need to respect others point of view and take what people saw with respect.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Well on one hand that 'not giving your all 100%' can be applied to multiple children too. 

Can you really give your all to more than one child?

Dilution of affection and time is still dilution. But that doesn't meant that all the kids can't be happy, healthy and well adjusted.

I've always felt I was essentially poly amorous tho i've never been giving a chance to try it. MMF would work out perfectly for me, as I have a higher need for affection, attention and sex than my hubby. He wouldn't feel as pressured and I would be happy with all the attention! 

I would also consider a FFM with the right woman, although I don't consider myself bi. 

So is it a matter of multiple people (partners /kids / whatever) is a dilution of love or does love multiply the more you have?


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## BadKittyNo (Apr 11, 2008)

" So is it a matter of multiple people (partners /kids / whatever) is a dilution of love or does love multiply the more you have? "

I can only speak for my situation, but my personal experience has been that more you give, the more you get, and the more you get, the more you give. It's a cycle that just goes back and forth. I can say that all three of us are happier now than before. I don't believe that love can be diluted. I think love is infinite. Time and energy can be diluted, but there are a lot of things in our lives that take up time and energy. Work, family, hobbies, friends, errands, alone time, etc... We all divide our time and energy many ways. But I don't think we have a finite amount of love to parcel out.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

BadKittyNo-

I absolutly agree with you. It's a pity most people can not handle your lifestyle. One reason why we have never pursued it is for fear of complications. Has this arisen for you?


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## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

pattymarconi 

I am actually wanting to ask you about your previous threads regarding divorce - what did you decide?

I am in the same situation but am trying to tell myself all was OK until I started texting the other guy (even though I know they weren't)

I have been together 14 years and don't think we were ever meant to be but I love him dearly and am hurting him so much by staying because I cannot connect with him and keep pushing him away.

Let me know how you are getting on please?


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## Inamess (Oct 7, 2008)

I have a different problem. I have been involved with my best friend (a woman) for the past couple of years. Analysing what happened now I see that my marriage with my husband had become very dry, with three kids and busy schedules we just grew apart. I bonded with this friend instantly and we have been nurturing our relationship for 6 years now and we have taken it to a sexual level. The problem is that neither my husband or her want an open relationship and this summer it all came to a head and I am having to make a choice. Do I stay with a husband who is a good friend but doesn't meet my physical needs and I don't feel any more attraction for him? (It was him all those 17 years that didn't need sex. I was the one being constantly rejected.) Or do I venture into the world of divorce and prejudices so that I don't lose the one soul-mate I have finally found? They are both awaiting my answer and I feel so pressured. Neither will put up with me loving the other.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Inamess-

will you husband now agree to have sex?

How often do you have it with him these days?


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## Inamess (Oct 7, 2008)

We haven't had sex for over three years and now that I've decided to leave him, he's decided he wants to work on things. And now the problem is that I'm emotionally and physically attached to my friend but at the same time I'm scared of leaving my home life with three children and busy life style to be entering a whole new world, not only being single but being with another woman. All too complicated....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Inamess-

I really appreciate the chance to talk to you about this by the way.
2 questions)
1)So is hubby now offering sex? And would that work for you?

2)I wonder if you chose to have an affair with a woman, partly because it was less threatening to your marriage than a another man. Imagine if you got divorced, would you be wanting a man or a woman to keep you warm at night for the next 20 years?


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## Inamess (Oct 7, 2008)

Good question. I'm trying to figure it out but for now I have to think that I have fallen in love with the person and not the "sex" of that person. I have never been bi so it's not something that's easy to admit. If I end up going through with leaving my husband, there will be no guarantees that my relationship with this woman will last either, just like any other relationship. The hard thing is deciding which risk I am willing to take. At the moment it's much harder thinking of not being with her than with my own husband. But being with her means giving up 50% time with my children. There are no easy answers...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

But what about my other question:

Will he offer sex?


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## Inamess (Oct 7, 2008)

No, at the moment sex is not an option. We've become too distanced. If I decided to give up my relationship with her and work on the marriage, then he would be into the "whole" relationship, including sex.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Very interesting. I would be interested if you could ask him his reasons why he never offered you sex before...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

pattymarconi said:


> Just out of curiousity, any one here in an open relationship? I mentioned this to my hubby once and he thinks it's ridiculous. I sort of said it to him jokingly that maybe it'll spiced up our relationship, you know, at least we both know what we're doing. Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith and her husband Will Smith are in an open relationship, but apparently none of them have actually slept with other people.
> 
> So, if you are in an open relationship, did it really help your current relationship? Does sex more fun with your actual mate?
> 
> Any comments guys? Just don't bash me ok, I am just asking here



okay, not bashing...just wondering...

aren't you the same gal that has "fallen out of love" with your husband and has a flirt on with a guy "at work?"

maybe he think's it's ridiculous because you aren't intimate WITH HIM???

isn't your morbid curiousity a lame attempt at adultery?

not bashing...just wondering...


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## end of my rope (Nov 19, 2008)

this can add some excitement but don't loose your focus, your mate is the only one you should have physical intimacy with, you could invite him along now that could get interesting


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