# Are friendships meaningful to you?



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I'm kind of experiencing a middle of mid-life crisis, but past quarter life crisis (you are free to laugh). 

When I look back at the entirety of my 20's and I think about friendships that I've tried to cultivate with other women, I think I wasted a lot of my time. I know, I did the whole "to have friends you need to be a friend" and "treat people the way you want to be treated and you'll have friends" bit that we all learn when we're 5. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't too effective. I think I put myself out there too much in a way where people saw what they could take, took it, and then left me at the wayside when it was convenient to them. What is the worst about that, is I _allowed_ myself to be taken advantage of in that way. I kept doing it over and over, until the last year or so when I'm starting to have enough.

I think as a woman, I have the tendency to want other women's approval and to feel included. Don't we all have that desire, women AND men? I don't think it's something limited to women but it's something that gets manifested in different ways with women, where the whole "girlfriends" thing is placed pretty high in importance. 

Now that I am older, I'm starting to realize that my energy is better placed in improving my marriage and strengthening a friendship with my husband. In the past when things were really rough, I turned to friends as an outlet and I'm thankful for that. I would have gone crazy if it had not been for friends and for that socialization. Honestly, I might be divorced now or in an insane asylum (not kidding) so I know friends have great value. 

What I am frustrated with is friendships that are meaningful. I am not interested in facebook friendships where a person avoids you at all costs but tags you in a ton of pictures, or a person who claims to be your friend but won't meet up in person. I still have the strong desire to have that small group of girlfriends or that one close friend who I can hang out with and have a close bond. Nowadays, I'm not sure that will happen anymore. I am becoming more family-focused and realize that I need to set aside childishness. Friendships aren't as meaningful to me anymore as they used to be, but when I do have a good friend they are as precious as crown jewels. 

What do you think?


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## Nujabes (May 16, 2013)

As the only boy in my family I don't really have a male role model to help me socialize growing up, especially around girls. It was really hard for me to make friends and sometimes my heart would pound when people can just easily say "It's easy to make friends" when I was younger. Now that I'm older I don't really find myself in a situation that I need a friend by side since being alone most of my life and contemplating multiple emotions to myself I found out that I best live the world I live in and not worry about silly stuff like this, not to insult you or anything.

I actually got bigger problems at hand such as anxiety disorder. It's hard for me to look at people's eye for no more than 2 seconds, male or female, or my head twitch. And that's due to verbal bullying in school.... I believe. lol

Well I hope you just focus more on making a better home for your kids, if you have any, and make that husband of yours proud and that life to the fullest.

Maybe a real friend might come a long when you're not looking for one. Who knows, but since you have a husband I reckon you stay away from male friends as it may cause drama with your hubby dubby. Isn't your husband your friend?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I have one true friend and I am satisfied with that. TBH friendships are more work than I care to be bothered with. This friend is the low maintenance pick up where you left off 6 months ago type. Just perfect 

I tried the whole social club, girls night, walking group, soccer mom mumbo jumbo. It was fruitless. Women are clicky. So if you are not in the group by the age of 6 or 7 they ain't interested. 

I'd rather join the boys for a beer anyway. Less drama and more fun.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

My best friend, since I met him, is my husband. His friendship means the most to me. Ok, with that aside..

I have girlfriends for different reasons. I have work female friends with whom I'll lunch and talk about office politics or whatever is happening in our field. They know only a bit about my personal life. I have casual mom friends, but I've met through an extracurricular activity or our kids do something together. I don't really share too much with them. 

But I have three girlfriends I can tell pretty much anything to and vice versa. Like you said, they are jewels. They're the kind of people you can contact when you really need someone to listen to you. They're non-judgmental and empathetic. I have one girlfriend who has known me for nearly 20 years. I know her parents too and I love them. They're the kind of people if I ever needed a place to stay or any kind of help, they'd offer it. I treasure them. It's hard to find genuine, decent friends like that who aren't cliquish and shallow. It's not like these close friends and I talk every week. Whenever we have time, we catch up, but it's fine if more than a few weeks go by without any interaction. We all have a lot going on in our lives.

I'm pretty choosy about my friends and I've always been that way.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I consider my husband my best friend also. 

To answer your question, I absolutely value my friendships. They tend to be close friendships over acquaintances. There are commonalities with the women I'm surrounded by. They're down to earth, follow their own paths, they're creative and quirky, gentle and caring but strong. I love and respect them. We have each others back and can laugh until our tummies hurt. I'm open with my friends but it's something I've had to learn over the years as I used to be a bit of closed book when I was young. Another of my close friends is a gay dude. We also have each others back. Every-time we meet up, we seem to learn from one another. He has a grounded sense of self, along with a wicked sense of humor that I adore. We're not in each others pockets, but when we meet up, it always feels real and is a blessing. These close friendships inspire me. Maintaining friendships takes effort but it feels easy.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I would never want to live without friends. I have several very close friends and I feel blessed to have them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I value my female friends a lot.

I have learned though that making friends even with women is not as straightforward as our parents would like to tell us. I've learned to be a joiner and a doer and to be receptive to other people's approaches in order to make friends.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I enjoy acquaintance type friendships.Deeper friendships with other females aren't that valuable to me.I've had really deep friendships and it's just not my thing.
I'm discovering that I prefer to have one really deep and meaningful friendship with my husband while keeping the rest casual.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I enjoy acquaintance type friendships.Deeper friendships with other females aren't that valuable to me.I've had really deep friendships and it's just not my thing.
> I'm discovering that I prefer to have one really deep and meaningful friendship with my husband while keeping the rest casual.


This is me too. My reason is I'm highly introverted and there is a limit on my 'people' time. With a husband, 3 kids, their friends and those parents my social dance card is pretty full. 

I do not have the time, energy or interest for a deeper friendship with anyone other than my husband.

I did it for about 6 years and found it sucked the life out of me. Ideally I'd find an introverted friend but those are hard to find. I end up with an extrovert who wants to call and do something EVERY DAY. LOL


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Exactly.Those deeper connections take WAY more energy than I'm willing to invest at this point in life with anyone other than DH.Maybe some day I'll regret not having that one special girl friend who was with me through thick n thin but I doubt it.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

SB did you get married recently? I must have missed that...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

COguy said:


> SB did you get married recently? I must have missed that...


September.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I place a very high value on my friendships. I am a "girl's girl" - a "woman's woman" and this describes me perfectly



reesespieces said:


> that small group of girlfriends or that one close friend who I can hang out with and have a close bond


I have a small group of girlfriends with whom I am very close to and sometimes I wonder if they are my soulmates. My friend soulmates. I have and we have seen eachother through so many things in life and it is a really special bond.

I tend to be a loner and am very close to my family but friendships--are amazing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have 4 to 5 GF's ....that will be "forever friends" from High school...it's not like we get together all that much... but I know they are THERE...If I need to talk, for moral support...

This is very comforting... 

One of them, my age, had a mild heart attack 3 days ago & is getting surgery RIGHT now as I write this, she lives over 3 hrs away...we was just at their house over a week ago for her daughters sweet 16th B-party... So this came as a mighty shock ... it's like suddenly we realize....how important these people are to us, we can loose them! I've known her since 2nd grade.

And I've made new friends through the yrs... through Church, through our kids...some of the Moms...Me & another take swimming trips... I have the suburban & can pile 8 kids in there... always enjoy the conversation while we watch the boys/ their friends burying each other in the sand, talking about girls... It's a great time...

But really.. since I met my husband in our teens...he became my greatest & closest friend...none can compare...I take it all to him....my Gf's back then used to get  at me, I always wanted to bring HIM with us....they gave up on me after a time... 

Friends...they are important though... for me, I've always been closer to my friends over my extended family ....I think this is a great Quote...to how some come and go in our lives...and it's OK...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I used to feel I must be broken, unable to get very close to other women. I'd see 10 bridesmaids at a wedding and wonder why I only had a couple friends. Turns out I just define friendship very carefully and the rest are varying levels of acquaintances.

I hope that I'll meet my very best friend ever someday but for now I have two friends who would do anything for me and vice versa. Sometimes we see each other a lot; other times weeks or months go by and in the interim I enjoy time with casual acquaintances.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I've never had "forever friends" because life changes always caused changes in the friendship. After I got married some of my friends began to act like I was too good for them in spite of my efforts to let them know I valued their friendship and wanted to continue being friends. One friend was jealous and thought I should get a divorce because my first year was a very trying time in my marriage. After my 3rd year of marriage, I started to re-evaluate if these friendships were worth my time anymore. 

It was actually older people who told me that a lot of time is wasted on friendships and they hardly amount to anything. Still, I see those groups of women in their 30's and 40's who hang out and are actual friends and wonder "why can't that be me??" As time's gone by I've learned to desire that less and focus on other things instead. 

I currently have a pretty good friend and I've shared these thoughts with her. She said that it could be that people see me as having too high of standards but she said it wasn't a bad thing. I do wonder if it is a bad thing. After all, if I set my standards lower, I wouldn't have to derive as much meaning out of friendships, would I?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

reesespieces said:


> After all, if I set my standards lower, I wouldn't have to derive as much meaning out of friendships, would I?


There is nothing wrong with deriving meaning from friendships.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> To answer your question, I absolutely value my friendships. They tend to be close friendships over acquaintances. There are commonalities with the women I'm surrounded by. They're down to earth, follow their own paths, they're creative and quirky, gentle and caring but strong. I love and respect them. *We have each others back and can laugh until our tummies hurt.* I'm open with my friends but it's something I've had to learn over the years as I used to be a bit of closed book when I was young. Another of my close friends is a gay dude. We also have each others back. Every-time we meet up, we seem to learn from one another. He has a grounded sense of self, along with a wicked sense of humor that I adore. *We're not in each others pockets, but when we meet up, it always feels real and is a blessing. These close friendships inspire me.* Maintaining friendships takes effort but it feels easy.


These friendships are the best. When you don't see someone for a long time and then you do and it's like no time at all went by. It's awesome.



Lyris said:


> I would never want to live without friends. I have several very close friends and I feel blessed to have them.


Me, too. :smthumbup:



tracyishere said:


> TBH friendships are more work than I care to be bothered with.
> 
> I tried the whole social club, girls night, walking group, soccer mom mumbo jumbo. It was fruitless. Women are clicky. So if you are not in the group by the age of 6 or 7 they ain't interested.
> 
> I'd rather join the boys for a beer anyway. Less drama and more fun.


This is something I have never been able to relate to. Women who do not have other female friends or find it to be "drama" or a competition or just a waste of time. I don't get that because it's not something I've ever experienced. The things women go through in life--other women understand it so well and there is a n unspoken camaraderie. Not to say I get along with every woman I meet but those friendships, my close girlfriends, are gems that add a lot of color and vibrancy to my life.

Women who have no female friends - it's just so strange to me.

The best is when I meet a woman who I just get along with, i'ts like a chemistry. That is so fun. It reminds me a few years ago of a class I was taking and we had to do these labs. This chick in my class was totally lost on what to do and she made a really funny comment and instantly I liked he. We both started laughing and became friends and still are to this day. She was so cool. It's like your heart recognizes friends.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Women who have no female friends - it's just so strange to me.


I was raised like a man. My dad kept me away from my own mother. I picked a male dominated field, had more male friends than women, and for added fun my dad made fun of women (thought they were stupid, silly and drama filled).

So to me women are like aliens from another planet. I don't speak the language so I'm out.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I feel a certain amount of resentment toward women IRL who feel I'm strange bc I don't enjoy the companionship of other females. It happens all the time.As though they view me as defective bc I'm not interested in having close friends.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I was raised like a man. My dad kept me away from my own mother. I picked a male dominated field, had more male friends than women, and for added fun my dad made fun of women (thought they were stupid, silly and drama filled).
> 
> *So to me women are like aliens from another planet. I don't speak the language so I'm out. *


Aww.

Did you have a bad relationship with your mom? Curious since you said dad kept you away from her and would make fun of women.



ScarletBegonias said:


> I feel a certain amount of resentment toward women IRL who feel I'm strange bc I don't enjoy the companionship of other females. It happens all the time.As though they view me as defective bc I'm not interested in having close friends.


It's just different ways of thinking. What works for you may not work for someone else. Difference of opinions and all that. I don't see people as "defective," those are your words, however it's simply something I can relate to because I've never had the experience of not having close female friendships. It's like another world to me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It's just different ways of thinking. What works for you may not work for someone else. Difference of opinions and all that. I don't see people as "defective," those are your words, however it's simply something I can relate to because I've never had the experience of not having close female friendships. It's like another world to me.


I wasn't referring to you personally when I say people see me as "defective" that's why I was specific to note "in real life".

Here's a comment from a conversation I had with the lady who did my new home loan when we were chatting randomly waiting on some docs to be signed...she said, "how can you not enjoy girl friends? Honey you're a little defective aren't ya?"(insert jolly laughter on her end).

You can't relate to people like me and I can't relate to people who must have close girl friends in their lives.Neither is better or worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Here's a comment from a conversation I had with the lady who did my new home loan when we were chatting randomly waiting on some docs to be signed...she said, "how can you not enjoy girl friends? Honey you're a little defective aren't ya?"(insert jolly laughter on her end).


That comment was rude.



ScarletBegonias said:


> You can't relate to people like me and I can't relate to people who must have close girl friends in their lives.Neither is better or worse.


Agreed.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Had she not been so awesome at her job I would have told her she was out of line.I just let it go bc it wasn't worth the conflict.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I used to feel I must be broken, unable to get very close to other women. I'd see 10 bridesmaids at a wedding *and wonder why I only had a couple friends*. * Turns out I just define friendship very carefully and the rest are varying levels of acquaintances*.
> 
> I hope that I'll meet my very best friend ever someday but for now* I have two friends who would do anything for me and vice versa. * Sometimes we see each other a lot; other times weeks or months go by and in the interim I enjoy time with casual acquaintances.












There is nothing wrong with having a couple very close friends (like sisters) ...you see them as irreplaceable in your life, a great loss if you were to loose them, you would feel this very deeply.....one should feel so blessed when a friend feels that way about us..

One of my closer friends once described this like the rungs on a tree stump...







--she said we all have those closest to us...in the middle near the center..these are our true friends, we are vulnerable with, they know us at our worst & love us anyway... and as the rungs go up one by one...we are entering the "just Acquaintances" realm now, not the ones you feel you could call anytime and just spill your hearts contents...or ask to help you move, things like that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Did you have a bad relationship with your mom? Curious since you said dad kept you away from her and would make fun of women.


Yes I had a bad relationship with my mother. I TRIED to get close to her but it was an epic fail.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That sucks, Mavash. 

Sometimes we want to be close to people but it's never gonna happen. Especially hurtful when it's a relative.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I wasn't referring to you personally when I say people see me as "defective" that's why I was specific to note "in real life".
> 
> Here's a comment from a conversation I had with the lady who did my new home loan when we were chatting randomly waiting on some docs to be signed...she said, "how can you not enjoy girl friends? *Honey you're a little defective aren't ya?"*(insert jolly laughter on her end).
> 
> You can't relate to people like me and I can't relate to people who must have close girl friends in their lives.Neither is better or worse.


That would have made me so mad! I can't believe people just spout stuff like that without thinking!


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> Yes I had a bad relationship with my mother. I TRIED to get close to her but it was an epic fail.


I also can say the same and to this day, have a bad relationship with my mother...AND sister. In fact, I am only close to one female relative and that is it. I really think that my poor relationship with my mother has negative affected my relationships with other women. 

SweetBegonias mentioned being called "defective" (still can't believe that!) and for the longest time I actually thought something was wrong with me. As in, I had a mental issue. I even went to counseling at one point and the psychologist said there wasn't anything wrong with me other than anxiety. In her professional assessment, my style of thinking doesn't "jive" with most women which is why I have so many problems. However I enjoy spending time with women. My husband isn't interested in a lot of the thing I am and things that really should be shared and spent with other women. It's hard to find those women and I can count on one hand the number of female friends I have. Like you Mavash, I get along better with men but my personal experience isn't as strongly influenced by men as yours. I could totally understand why you think and feel the way you do. 

I commented to my only friend about this and she said that she no longer cares to make friends. I'm probably going to be her last friend she makes unless someone else shows her that they are a genuine person. I could tell she's tired, worn down, and has a negative outlook towards people and I can't really say I blame her.

A lot of people mention that their husbands are their best friends. Can you really get all of your social and emotional needs fulfilled in marriage? My husband and I tried that...and we failed miserably! We realized that we need the company of same-sex acquaintances and friends. Perhaps it's luxurious for me to say that, as many couples have had to be "the everything" for their spouse. A lot of married couples don't have the time to make friends. I can say this is true of my parents who were immigrants in a new country. Friendships aren't valued at all with them, unless it's friends within a family. My family and relatives always told me that when you get married and have your own family, you stop caring about friends. However, I did half and still don't feel what they say I should be feeling. I have a lot of ambivalence and conflicted feelings about this, if you couldn't tell.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I have always had good friends around me, still friends with some girls from Primary school which was 35 years ago.
I simply love my best friend, she is such a beautiful person and we just clicked from the day we met about 8 years ago. 

Have male friends, female friends, have worked in both male and female dominated industries. Have a brilliant relationship with my dad but had a strained relationship with my mum.

Basically I am a people person but do not suffer fools lightly and don't attract or seek friendships with people that are not worth it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

reesespieces said:


> A lot of people mention that their husbands are their best friends. Can you really get all of your social and emotional needs fulfilled in marriage? My husband and I tried that...and we failed miserably! We realized that we need the company of same-sex acquaintances and friends.


He really is my best friend from the time I met him. Underlying our marriage is a deep friendship. We were good friends before we started dating. I wanted to date him from the start, but I was waiting for him to make the first move. There's really nothing I can't tell him. I've told him more and he know more about me than anyone alive. No girlfriend I've had knows me as well. It's the same for him. He has friends who are guys. They talk work/industry stuff/sports and whatever else guys talk about when they're together, but I know I can bet good money he'd say I'm his best friend. If something good or bad happens, he's the first person I'd want to share it with. I don't know if that's odd or if we're peculiar in some way, but it's been true for us for more than two decades now. While SA and I don't always agree on certain issues D), I can totally relate to her when she says her husband is her greatest and closest friend. I feel exactly the same way about my own husband.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

DH is also the person I'd go to first if I knew anything good or bad. However, I can't fully share myself emotionally with him (it's getting better now) in the same way I can share with my close female friend. She and I can relate to a lot of things in a way that I can't relate to DH, but he knows everything first.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Perhaps that's the difference. I feel very, very safe emotionally with him. I know he's non-judgmental where I'm concerned and he's supportive. I'm sure if I said I wanted to quit my job tomorrow, he'd help me brainstorm things we could do to stay afloat. He's that kind of a person. Glass is half full, laid back personality, takes a lot to get him angry, but he's fully capable of being assertive with me if he has to.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I don't know if my husband and I will ever get to that point. I've honestly never seen an example of it, from my parents (they nearly hate each other half the time) or his parents.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I have one true friend and I am satisfied with that. TBH friendships are more work than I care to be bothered with. This friend is the low maintenance pick up where you left off 6 months ago type. Just perfect
> 
> I tried the whole social club, girls night, walking group, soccer mom mumbo jumbo. It was fruitless. Women are clicky. So if you are not in the group by the age of 6 or 7 they ain't interested.
> 
> I'd rather join the boys for a beer anyway. Less drama and more fun.


You've got to differentiate between true friends... an acquaintances.

When you are in a ditch... and it's 2am... true friends will grab a chain, hop in their truck and come pull you out.

Acquaintances will give you the number to a reliable wrecker service.


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## Chana (Sep 14, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> Perhaps that's the difference. I feel very, very safe emotionally with him. I know he's non-judgmental where I'm concerned and he's supportive. I'm sure if I said I wanted to quit my job tomorrow, he'd help me brainstorm things we could do to stay afloat. He's that kind of a person. Glass is half full, laid back personality, takes a lot to get him angry, but he's fully capable of being assertive with me if he has to.


That describes my husband to a T and yes, I refer to him as my best friend. 

That said, no I don't get all my social and emotional needs met through my marriage. I have a sister, close in age and geographically, with kids the same age as mine, and she is my best female friend. It's weird because as kids we did NOT get along (our upbringing was not a great one, in either of our memories), so I feel like the fact she is my sister is a bonus, but the close friendship is regardless of that. 

I do have a few other close, reasonably trusted friends too but I'm a classic introvert and building relationships is a fairly slow progression for me, so most people fall into the 'friendly acquaintance' category.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The best is when I meet a woman who I just get along with, it's like a chemistry. That is so fun. It reminds me a few years ago of a class I was taking and we had to do these labs. This chick in my class was totally lost on what to do and she made a really funny comment and instantly I liked he. We both started laughing and became friends and still are to this day. She was so cool. It's like your heart recognizes friends.


Aww ....I love that feeling when you click. A couple of years ago I interviewed with a woman I'd be working with. I remember saying to my husband afterwards that I felt the interview went well and "..I think her and I could have a right laugh.." And sure enough, we quickly became close friends and could relate on many levels. We just clicked. Her husband and mine get along well too, so it's good times when we all go out. We no longer work together but the friendship remains. 

My husband and I have moved around a bit. Some friendships have dissipated with time and distance, others have strengthened, along with new friendships formed too. I feel blessed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

reesespieces said:


> A lot of people mention that their husbands are their best friends. Can you really get all of your social and emotional needs fulfilled in marriage?


He's my best friend. I don't expect him to meet all my social and emotional needs. Him being my best friend means he's the first one I turn to. He's my priority. He knows me better than anyone.

However, I feel I learn a great deal from my friendships. I learn about others and about myself. I'm inspired by them and feel a sense of joy having them in my life. I feel fortunate to be a friend to them in return... I have a lot to give and I'm selective as to who's in my life.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I guess you could say than that my husband is my best friend as well, even if I can't get all of my needs met through him.

Experiencing frustrations and hurt through broken friendships has made me realize how loyal DH has been toward me, and how much meaning friendships lose after time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

reesespieces said:


> *A lot of people mention that their husbands are their best friends. Can you really get all of your social and emotional needs fulfilled in marriage? *My husband and I tried that...and we failed miserably! We realized that we need the company of same-sex acquaintances and friends. Perhaps it's luxurious for me to say that, as many couples have had to be "the everything" for their spouse. A lot of married couples don't have the time to make friends.


 Although I could say I wouldn't mind being caught on a desert Island with just my husband.. this would get socially lonely....we need more of a variety of characters to fill our days.... me & husband always enjoy talking about the characters in our lives (the guys he works with, our friends, crazy family members, etc...)....some humorous conversation flows from this..for sure... I do feel mine meets all of my emotional needs (meant for marriage anyway)....which are outlined in *>>* His Needs, Her Needs: ....



> 10 core Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...


It doesn't matter where we are, or what we are doing.. it's like being "HOME"... we are caught up in each other... 

But yet... I am more of a social animal or Butterfly over him... probably why I enjoy forums in my free time.. and having friends, they are like little extensions of who we are...it's another area of "connection" we want to hold on to....life would loose some of it's luster without them ..or if not friends... enough family members to go around...just others to call on, it doesn't matter who. 

One of my closest friends outside of my husband is a guy... when he comes to visit..we seem to find ourselves engaged in a variety of little debates.. it's just something we have always enjoyed -for the last 21 yrs.... I would wear my husband out with this sort of thing...so he takes up some of the slack... just as GF's can absorb some of our venting at times with husband's who get weary hearing all of that.... 

In my life I have found many people have let me down... my Mother, my best friend growing up, she grew apart from me... even friends today, not too much but they can disappoint...I had one... I would go to her every party when invited...I was faithful .... but she never came to any of mine, didn't even come to my wedding.. after a time of this... even though I've known her since 9th grade...it was really bothering me...she was just LAZY... so I put my boundary up... that's it... I will be here for her if she calls, but going to her stuff.. NOPE.. I'm done... 

Gotta have some give & take in these relationships or it's not going to last...I am guilty myself for being a slacker, not reaching out enough to maintain a budding friendship....a # of women have tried to befriend me....wanted to do more things with me....and I'd get lazy & let them do all the calling... and suggesting.. I'd go and do these things.. but I'd never offer to make plans..and they likely felt the relationship standing was dependent on them...and got a little tired of my passiveness in this....so shame on me... I should be giving as much back.. so I've let some friends slide....and it's been my fault as well..

With the busy lives so many of us lead.. working full time, kids, or a house full of kids / their activities (my situation)... it does take effort to maintain friendships... Face book is great but we need to take the time to go out, grab lunch now & then/ do a picnic... catch up in person...plan an outing... I think we're all guilty to some extent !


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> A lot of people mention that their husbands are their best friends. Can you really get all of your social and emotional needs fulfilled in marriage?


I don't have a lot of social needs. he meets all of my needs.We have friends we hang out with once in a while and go to concerts and things.That's the extent of my social needs. LOL

As for emotional needs,I don't have emotional needs when it comes to girl friends.I really don't need ladies in my life.I don't long for that connection.

I guess that's why DH and I work so well.He doesn't have much of a need for guy friends and prefers doing activities with me whether it's something super girly or something really manly.We do it all together and it's great.I'd pick him to go shopping or out for drinks over any female any day of the week.He'd pick me to go to the driving range or to go hiking over any guy any day of the week


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> He doesn't have much of a need for guy friends and prefers doing activities with me whether it's something super girly or something really manly.
> 
> *We do it all together and it's great*.*I'd pick him to go shopping or out for drinks over any female any day of the week.He'd pick me to go to the driving range or to go hiking over any guy any day of the week*


We are exactly the same as this... but that is no surprise to you SB.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Hmm. Maybe I'm just weird or something. Sometimes I get the sense that my need to socialize once in a while and to have female companionship is strange. I even like talking on the phone, for goodness sakes.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

After having my best friend and my husband engage in an EA, I think I'm just done with the whole thing. I think I will forever keep people at arm's length.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Late to the party here but I just wanted to say that friendships are very important to me. I realized this about 10 years ago. My now ex husband and I had kind of unintentionally secluded ourselves from a lot of people and I was not a happy person. One of the major reasons for my unhappiness was because I missed having friends in my life and so I decided to change that. Now I've got a small circle of very good friends (including my sister!) who mean the world to me. Like some of you have said - having a few really good friends is better than a bunch of casual friends.

My best friend lives in Indiana (I'm in California) and we've been friends for 18 years. 10 years ago we started becoming really close and now it's to the point where we're thinking of living together (platonically). I'm closer to her than anyone apart from my daughter.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

in my tree said:


> My now ex husband and I had kind of unintentionally secluded ourselves from a lot of people and I was not a happy person.


I've noticed others here at TAM have said the same thing, and the spouse who wanted to be more secluded is now their _ex-spouse_, so clearly there is something important here. I'm not much of a happy person either when all I do is stay indoors and be a couch potato. I wouldn't say I need to have hoards of friends, but having a close friend or two would be nice. Sometimes I've wondered if maybe I am asking for too much and should be content with my husband as my main and perhaps only friend, but that doesn't work.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Your gut will tell you whether having your H as your main friend works for you or not. If he's a great friend to you, that actually works in your favor to cultivate other friendships. But at least in my situation, my H pulled me down and it's hard to build on friendships when you are depressed, drained, etc. 

I guess just be realistic about your current relationship with your H and go from there. And know what you want.


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