# Husband's makes me feel depressed...



## Nickey1976 (Dec 5, 2017)

I am not sure where to start. I've been with my husband 5.5 years but we've been married for one. It seems more and more frequently, he gets mad and throws a tantrum like a 10 year old over simple things. For example, we have two dogs and my Chihuahua won't eat unless his food bowl is under the dining table bench, because he can fit under there and eat without our Lap staring at him. We keep the bowls stacked together. Last night, I forgot to put the bowls back in the pantry where we keep them and the dog food. So, at 4:30AM this morning I could hear him going throw the pantry throwing stuff and cursing and then he yells, 'Where is the dog bowl'. I am half asleep and try to tell him where it is, but he acts as though he can't understand me, so I get out of bed and feed the dogs and walk away and get back in bed. He never said a word to me after that and eventually left for work. 

Vacationing with him is a nightmare, things don't go as he wants, he throws a tantrum and I just freeze up and stop talking, because honestly what can you say when someone is in a rage, I am also annoyed and I just want to go home. Because I stop talking, that makes him even more mad and he pouts and ignores me like a 10 y/o child and we go the majority of the trip not talking. 

On my 40th Birthday, he arranged a nice hotel for us downtown and a spa treatment for me. We were having dinner at the hotel that night (my birthday dinner) and he was going on and on and on about how when he was at some bar years ago, he saw the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. I just felt that was inappropriate conversation on my birthday, PLUS, he never compliments me and tells me I look pretty even when I really fix myself up. He just looks me up and down and says nothing. So, I said jokingly/light hearted, 'Would be great if you'd give me a compliment'. He went into the worst rage and said I picked the worst timing to say something like that after he spent all that money for the hotel and my birthday, then he got up from the table and left. After about 10 minutes, I went to look for him and he said he was leaving, YES, leaving and without me. He left me at the hotel by myself with no car. I called him several times and he would sent it straight to voicemail. I had to uber home the next day. Of course all of it was my fault (according to him).

There are so many other examples I could give but my post would be pages long. Long story short, he is always throwing tantrums over the smallest things, there were two many red traffic lights on the drive, he dropped something, his laptop is running too slow, the remote didn't change the channel fast enough. He never owns up to anything that he does that is hurtful to me and it is always my fault, I am being a jerk or a**hole.

I am at a point where I try to figure out anything that will set him off in advance to try to avoid it, but that doesn't always work. He makes me feel miserable and depressed a lot of the time and talking to him about his behavior and how it makes me feel will only set him off. I feel like I am always apologizing when some times I am not in the wrong.

When we were dating, I started seeing a therapist, because I had become so depressed because of him. Real communication with him is nonexistent and at this point I just hold it in in an effort to not have conflict. He saw my therapist once without me and then we had an appointment to go together, when the time came he pretended to be too tired, so I went alone.

In his mind, he things we have a great relationship, but we don't we have so many things that need to be discussed/communicated.

We he is in a good mood, he is a decent person. I think I am just at a point of frustration all I can see is the negative things and the stress.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

He sounds rather difficult.


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## Nickey1976 (Dec 5, 2017)

HE IS! When things are going the way he wants or expects life is fine otherwise it is a stressful mess. Even trying to be the bigger person and apologize for what I could have done to spark the situation which ends in us not talking, he just sits there and smirks. I've suggested many times that he owns up to his wrongs like I do, but to him he is never in the wrong. It's always me. I often dread when he comes home from work and sometimes just hearing his voice annoys me. I've put up with a lot of BS with him (other than his temper tantrums) and I am at a point where I feel like I know this should be the end, but I struggle with the back bone to follow through. He married and honeymooned last year in Iceland. I found out via phone call ON MY WEDDING DAY that I was fired (because I took the 2 weeks off for the wedding) and that hit my heart that day, it sank. I didn't want to tell my husband and ruin his day also, but I was a little quiet as I was trying to process it. He got mad at me for not talking as much and flat out stopped talking me and never once asked if I was ok or did something happen with the phone call he knew I took. Yet, he took it personal, stopped talking to me and when I asked what was wrong with him, he does his typical nothings wrong with me, if you don't want to talk FINE. So, I had to tell him, well I just got fired on our wedding day. He never apologized for treating me crappy, he just got mad at my former boss and called her names. Its a no win situation. Whenever, I think things are getting better and things are going great, he throws a tantrum over the dumbest thing. I'm exhausted. I am glad we don't have children.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Nickey1976 said:


> I am glad we don't have children.


Me too. No need to spread his genes around any more than absolutely necessary.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is there a question here? You don't like your husband. You don't have children. There must be a lot you do like about being married to this man, or you would be divorced by now.


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## Tensecta (Dec 5, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Is there a question here? You don't like your husband. You don't have children. There must be a lot you do like about being married to this man, or you would be divorced by now.


Divorce is way easier said than done. MW sounds alot like Nickeys husband to a point. They make life harder than it should be and it seems to be all about them and if it's not, watch out. 

I think if Nickey is anything like me it's probably alot about self esteem??


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## Tensecta (Dec 5, 2017)

Does he drink?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Is he great in bed? Does he have a huge package? Please tell us the sex is every day and off the hook. What keeps you married? What's in it for you? How much would you love life if you were single and free to date anyone?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> He gets mad and throws a tantrum like a 10 year old over simple things.


One possibility, Nickey, is that your H exhibits strong symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting that your H has the full-blown disorder (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I suggesting that he might be exhibiting moderate to strong symptoms of BPD.

I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," and childish sulking -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. 

Yet, if you really are seeing a strong pattern of BPD behavior, you also should be seeing rapid changes in mood. Whereas you are describing a man who seems to be consistently abusive and mean (except for being "a decent person" occasionally), a person exhibiting strong BPD symptoms is not consistent. He can flip between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) in just ten seconds when triggered by some minor thing you say or do. Moreover, you likely would have seen signs of this emotional instability starting five years ago -- about 4 to 6 months into your relationship, when your H's infatuation started to wane.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for beast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic marriage to a man who refuses to address his own anger issues.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. 

If you want to discuss this further, it would be helpful if you would answer the question @*Tensecta* asked about your H's drinking behavior. It also would be helpful to know whether he exhibits a strong abandonment fear (e.g., irrational jealousy) and whether his abusive behavior is focused on you or, instead, spread among lots of other people (e.g., showing road rage to strangers). Take care, Nickey.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> He sounds rather difficult.




Ya THINK??!! He left her alone in the middle of her birthday dinner/night!!!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

How can you get fired for taking holidays? Don't you put in an application for approval first?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Just wondering why you stay with him especially when children aren't involved.. Has your therapist mentioned anything about leaving him?


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## Nickey1976 (Dec 5, 2017)

OK, a lot of questions and hopefully I answer them all. First, yes my vacation for my wedding was approved. I could tell my boss was a little hesitant that I requested two weeks off but she approved. I live in Texas which is a right to work state, which means you can be terminated for no reason and you can also quit and give no reason. It was a rough wedding day because of it, but now we can actually joke about it. I moved on to a better job within a month of returning from Iceland.

My husband isn't an evil person and yes I do love him. There are things that I adore about him, his sense of humor how he is with our furbabies, he's hardworking and he always wants to spend time with me. Having said that, when he goes into his tantrums, its miserable. We could be having a great day then BAM something triggers him. 

I do know he had a rough childhood. He is a product of an affair that his mom had. He never met his biological father and his dad (we was married to his mom) physically abused him. His mom was an alcoholic and didn't want him. He was really close to his grandmother that passed away when he was 17 and he has lived on his own since. He hasn't spoken to his mom since he was 22 he is now almost 45. He found out last year that she had passed away and he said he really didn'y feel anything in regards to that. I do know a lot of his anger stems from his past, so I try to be sensitive in knowing that BUT all the same, I shouldn't feel like I am less because of what he went through. I know he should seek a therapist to talk to about his past and his emotions, but I doubt he'd go.

I have always felt, that the good in our marriage made it worth saving, but I can't continue to be depressed and stressed either. So, I am at a point of uncertainty.

As far as sex, and this is most my fault, its not often maybe once a month. There are a few reasons why I just don't feel up to it 1) years ago, I found out he was still talking to his ex and she came to town to see him, that crushed my heart so, I still struggle with letting it go. 2) I had surgery to have pre cancer cells removed from my cervix two years ago and since intercourse is sometimes painful 3) I find myself doing 90% of the work with it comes to sex, its exhausting. He is on his back the entire time and I am doing the work. It didn't use to be that way in the beginning. It changed once I started feeling werid due to the pre cancer and the appointment trying to figure out what was wrong and then the oncologist. There was a time we'd do it many times a week and some days more than once, but that hasn't been the case and I know that's because of me.

What do you do when you love someone and are happy 70% of the time but the 30% that you are miserable is MISERABLE? 

Sorry my original post was a little vague...


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## Nickey1976 (Dec 5, 2017)

He doesn't drink except an occasional glass of wine or two with me. He does have abondonment issues because of his mom. He has never been physical with me in any way. He does have road rage to the point he will get out of the car, but he doesn't do it when I am in the car with him. He just tells me later what happened. Hope this helps.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Do you give him any consequences for his UNACCEPTABLE behavior? Like, tell him if it happens again, you're throwing his crap out onto the lawn and telling everyone (family/friends) what an a$$ he is. Like, not doing his laundry or cooking him dinner, or doing anything for him. 

Has he seen professional help for his anger issues? If he refuses, just end it. You have to be willing to walk away if he doesn't want to make himself better.

Also, are you absolutely sure he isn't on drugs? I've recently dealt with a drug user (fiancee) and the mood swings were wild. They didn't make sense, until I started paying closer attention and discovered her hidden heroine/meth/pills usage. Do you have full access to his financials and can see all cash flow? Is he a recovering addict?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nickey1976 said:


> He does have abandonment issues because of his mom.


Nicky, I asked you about the strong abandonment fear because it is a key feature of BPD behavior. Indeed, I've never met a BPDer, or even heard of a BPDer, who does not have a strong fear of abandonment. This is why _"Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. 



> We could be having a great day then BAM something triggers him.... Vacationing with him is a nightmare.


If your H is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum but may not meet the diagnostic threshold), he has a second great fear: engulfment. It is triggered by intimacy. Although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, they cannot tolerate it for very long because -- lacking a strong sense of identity -- they quickly start feeling like you are controlling and suffocating them with your strong personality. 

During the courtship period, you will not see the abandonment or engulfment fear. You cannot trigger them then because his infatuation holds these two fears at bay, causing him to believe that you're the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to rescue him from unhappiness. As soon as the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, you will start triggering his two fears, thus releasing the anger he has been carrying inside since early childhood.

I mention this second fear -- engulfment -- because it causes a BPDer to exhibit the very WORST behavior immediately after -- or in the middle of -- the very BEST of times. This occurs because, immediately after a very intimate evening or in the middle of a great vacation, a BPDer will start feeling engulfed by your strong personality, feeling like he is losing himself or being controlled. He therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away. Because his subconscious creates the fight (to explain his suffocated feeling), he consciously believes that the absurd allegation is absolutely true.

This emotional instability is why _"Swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH. If he is a BPDer, his feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like he has flipped a switch in his mind. BPDers can flip very quickly from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. 



> My husband isn't an evil person and yes I do love him.


BPDers generally are good people. Their problem is not being _bad_ but, rather, _unstable_. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.



> He gets mad and throws a tantrum like a 10 year old over simple things.


No, but you're close. If he really is a BPDer, his emotional development likely is that of a four-year old. Although nobody has proven what causes strong lifetime BPD traits, the general view of the psychiatric community is that it likely is due to genetics and/or a trauma experienced before age five -- thus freezing emotional development at age 3 or 4. 



> He had a rough childhood. He is a product of an affair that his mom had. He never met his biological father and his dad (who was married to his mom) physically abused him.


A 2008 study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 70% of full-blown BPDers report they had been abused or abandoned in childhood. Although most abused children do not develop BPD, such abuse greatly increases the risk for doing so.



> Talking to him about his behavior and how it makes me feel will only set him off.


If he is a BPDer, you never know what minor action or comment will trigger one of his two fears. This is why you will often feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid triggering his anger. And this is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.



> Its a no win situation.


If he is a BPDer, your no-win predicament is due to the position of his two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the _very same_ spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort him and assure him of your love, you will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. Indeed, he may feel like she is disappearing into your strong personality. Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist. 



> To him he is never in the wrong. It's always me.


BPDers have such unstable, weak egos that they often feel like they don't know who they really are. To the extent they have a lasting self identity, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This means that you will be allowed to play only two roles: that of "The Rescuer" and "The Perpetrator." 

Significantly, both of those roles "validate" his false self image of being "The Victim" because, if he were not a victim, you wouldn't be trying so hard to rescue him or to persecute him. Whereas you will be perceived as "The Rescuer" throughout the courtship period, a BPDer will increasingly perceive you as "The Perpetrator" as the years go by. 

Like a young child, he will flip back and forth between perceiving of you as "all good" and "all bad." A BPDer has that black-white view of you because, like a child, he is too emotionally immature to tolerate dealing with strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.



> He does have road rage to the point he will get out of the car, but he doesn't do it when I am in the car with him. He just tells me later what happened.


_"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger"_ is another one of the nine defining BPD symptoms. If your H is a BPDer, he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a tantrum in only ten seconds over very minor actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

Yet, if he is a high-functioning BPDer -- as the vast majority of BPDers are -- he can hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. This is why BPDers usually have no close long-term friends (unless the person lives a long distance away). And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

I therefore am surprised to hear that your H claims he has raged on the highway against other drivers, to the point of getting out of the car to yell at them. If he really is a BPDer, I suspect that this behavior is quite rare (given that you've never observed it yourself in five years). It is a warning sign (i.e., symptom) for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). But he could exhibit strong symptoms of both BPD and IED. I say this because the vast majority of full-blown BPDers have at least one co-occurring clinical disorder (e.g., depression, anxiety, PTSD, or IED) together with at least one additional personality disorder (e.g., narcissism, OCPD, or sociopathy).



> I can't continue to be depressed and stressed.


Nickey, if you really have been living with a BPDer for five years, consider yourself lucky that you're only feeling _"depressed and stressed."_ A large share of the abused partners of BPDers become so confused that they feel like they may be going crazy. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists, sociopaths, or Bipolar sufferers. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

Again, I suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar and you would like to discuss them, Nickey, it would be very helpful if you would tell us which of those red flags are very strong and which are very weak.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Nickey1976 said:


> When we were dating, I started seeing a therapist, because I had become so depressed because of him.


This is the part I don't get. I mean you married him after that. Why? I understand he may have good qualities but this just sounds like a recipe for disaster. If it's really that bad and he isn't making an effort at improvement, I would get out now. My ex-wife was a massive alcoholic and I stayed with her for 12 years. It was hell like you can't imagine. I have some horror stories that dwarf yours, including going to jail for 3 day though no fault of mine. That wasn't even the worst. At least it snapped her into shape for a few months. In any case, the only reason I have no regrets is I moved with her back to her home country, before she cheated on me and I met my current wife there and now I'm super happy.


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## Nickey1976 (Dec 5, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Do you give him any consequences for his UNACCEPTABLE behavior? Like, tell him if it happens again, you're throwing his crap out onto the lawn and telling everyone (family/friends) what an a$$ he is. Like, not doing his laundry or cooking him dinner, or doing anything for him.
> 
> Has he seen professional help for his anger issues? If he refuses, just end it. You have to be willing to walk away if he doesn't want to make himself better.
> 
> Also, are you absolutely sure he isn't on drugs? I've recently dealt with a drug user (fiancee) and the mood swings were wild. They didn't make sense, until I started paying closer attention and discovered her hidden heroine/meth/pills usage. Do you have full access to his financials and can see all cash flow? Is he a recovering addict?


There is no drug use, I have full access to his car and our home and nothing is there. He spends any of his time outside of work with me (he's a personal trainer). I do have access to his financials and he has a substantial amount in checking and savings. I see his monthly statements and the only purchases are regular food, gas and shopping here and there. I've gotten so annoyed when he has his moments I just walk away and say nothing until he calms down.

Actually, last night I told him he was being an ass the morning before over the issue with the dog bowls. I told him it was rude and unnecessary and he could have put the dog food on the floor for him to eat until he found the bowls. No Biggie! He actually apologized and said he never thought of putting it on the floor he was so used to his morning routine. He has never seen anyone for his anger, he saw my therapist once but not for anger. I haven't seen my therapist in over a year myself. I think I have been to lenient in the past and he things his bad behavior is acceptable. Lately, I let him cool down and then talk about it the next day, this seems to work especially if I address it with a bit of humor. I think my personal problem is, sometimes I feel like 'Why do I have to rearrange how I handle things just to accommodate him'.


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## Nickey1976 (Dec 5, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> This is the part I don't get. I mean you married him after that. Why? I understand he may have good qualities but this just sounds like a recipe for disaster. If it's really that bad and he isn't making an effort at improvement, I would get out now. My ex-wife was a massive alcoholic and I stayed with her for 12 years. It was hell like you can't imagine. I have some horror stories that dwarf yours, including going to jail for 3 day though no fault of mine. That wasn't even the worst. At least it snapped her into shape for a few months. In any case, the only reason I have no regrets is I moved with her back to her home country, before she cheated on me and I met my current wife there and now I'm super happy.


I often ask myself the same, WHY? I truly do love him and he is not a bad person. Like a lot of people, I hoped getting married would bring about a positive change, in some ways it did. When he realizes he has upset me with his behavior, he is the type that will give me hugs or kisses, but never owning up to his actions. I know its his way of apologizing but for me I'd rather have an official apology. I struggle because I know deep down he is a good person, but HE struggles with his past...his childhood is upsetting. I remember one time him talking to me about it and he cried (ugly cried). I haven't talked about going to counseling again, but I am willing to give that a try as a last effort. I'd like for him to go alone for a while and then we go together. If he isn't willing, you are right, it is probably time for me to move on. Thank you for your feedback, this means a lot especially coming from a male. Also, I am glad you found love again and are happy.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

You may want to read -Why Does He Do That-

Author- Lundy Bancroft

You are a victim of abuse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your husband is abusive. Read the book above by Bancroft. It will explain a LOT. It doesn't mean he's a monster, it means he has horrible coping skills.

And it means he's married to a submissive woman who's putting up with his horrible treatment, so he does MORE.

What to do, if you're not willing to leave him? Go back to your therapist and ask her to start giving you homework for standing up for yourself and no longer accepting poor treatment. There are a million ways you can do this and, as you saw, when you DO speak up, he apologizes. For example, one first step is, the next time he raises his voice, calmly say "I don't deserve to be yelled at and if you yell again, I'm going to leave the room." And if he does yell, you immediately leave the room for 15 minutes. When you come back, if he tries to pick it up again, you simply turn back around and leave the house, and go for a 30-minute walk. If when you come back he does it again, you go for an hour-long drive. If he does it again, you go stay at a hotel. If he does it again when you come back the next morning, you pack some clothes and go stay at a friend's house for a couple of nights. 

You simply REFUSE to participate in the abuse, got it? He can't abuse you if you aren't allowing him to.

And it doesn't matter if HE thinks you deserve it, YOU know you don't, so don't try to argue with him. You'll never win. Simply stand firm in YOUR belief that you've done nothing wrong and enact your boundaries/consequences.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You say he's a personal trainer. Does he have huge muscles? Sure he isn't doing steroids? Guys on steroids have the worst mood swings and anger issues. 

Also, it's easy to take out cash at grocery stores and hide it. That's what my fiancee did.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You're exhausted. No kidding. It's very exhausting to be around someone like that. Who even wants to be around that?! Never knowing when they're going to go off. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I've no advice to give; you already have a few of the very good members already here.


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## Nickey1976 (Dec 5, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> This is the part I don't get. I mean you married him after that. Why? I understand he may have good qualities but this just sounds like a recipe for disaster. If it's really that bad and he isn't making an effort at improvement, I would get out now. My ex-wife was a massive alcoholic and I stayed with her for 12 years. It was hell like you can't imagine. I have some horror stories that dwarf yours, including going to jail for 3 day though no fault of mine. That wasn't even the worst. At least it snapped her into shape for a few months. In any case, the only reason I have no regrets is I moved with her back to her home country, before she cheated on me and I met my current wife there and now I'm super happy.





GuyInColorado said:


> You say he's a personal trainer. Does he have huge muscles? Sure he isn't doing steroids? Guys on steroids have the worst mood swings and anger issues.
> 
> Also, it's easy to take out cash at grocery stores and hide it. That's what my fiancee did.


He's muscular but not overboard, but I don't know unless he does it at the gym. I see most of the receipts because he leaves them around the house or still in the grocery bags, but that doesn't mean one or two hasn't gotten by me.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Nickey1976 said:


> He's muscular but not overboard, but I don't know unless he does it at the gym. I see most of the receipts because he leaves them around the house or still in the grocery bags, but that doesn't mean one or two hasn't gotten by me.



Does it really matter why?

You said you are depressed. Because you live with an ABUSER.

Read the book.


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