# Sleeping with a married man. Need advice



## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

I'll try to keep this brief. I've been sleeping with a married man for over 3 years now. His wife is actually one of my best friends and we are close. She does not know that I have been sleeping with him. The guilt has been building up in me over time and I want to end the relationship with him. He does not want to end it but it just makes me feel so bad when I see her and talk to her on the phone. She often asks me for relationship advice and confides in me things that are going on in their marriage. I have watched their kids on occasion and I've slept with him several times while the kids were in the house. I have decided to either find a way to tell her without destroying her relationship or either completely removing myself from their lives and while she may think that I abandoned her as a friend, she would never know that I was sleeping with her husband. I've spoken to him about what I decided and he blew up. He doesn't want this to end and I'm afraid he might hurt one of us if I tell her what's been going on. Any guidance would be appreciated.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

This is ghastly behavior.

Stop it and remove yourself from their lives. Who cares if he wants to continue. 

You are no friend to this poor woman. You have no business giving her any advice whatsoever.

You need to stop this--period.

You've poisoned any friendship you once had with his wife.

Do not feel like a victim here, you are an active participant.

Move on with your life not acting this way. There are plenty of single men out there to be intimate with. 

BTW, do not try to explain here why you have done what you did. There is no situation that will explain it away.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

Agreed, remove yourself from the situation completely. Distance yourself. Block his number and hers. Just disappear. If you say anything you'll still destroy they're marriage. 

However keeping it a secret will only mean he'll try the same thing again, even if you distance yourself from him. He's addicted to the thrill. As a friend you owe her the truth too. And she deserves a better life than a cheating husband.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yeah, this is really bad. It is about as bad as it gets really. 

I guess you are not married? Divorced? For the love of God single at least? Right? 

Listen, the best thing for you to do is disapear from he, and her husbands life. 

Of course he does not want it to stop, he gets NSA sex from you when he wants it, and she looks after the house. 

This is a hard one to know the best thing to do. She needs to know that her husband is a cheater. You are not his first, you know that right? 

Lets see what the collective wisdom says on this one. I think she needs do know what a creep she is married to.


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

michzz said:


> This is ghastly behavior.
> 
> Stop it and remove yourself from their lives. Who cares if he wants to continue.
> 
> ...


I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

Cazmodius said:


> Agreed, remove yourself from the situation completely. Distance yourself. Block his number and hers. Just disappear. If you say anything you'll still destroy they're marriage.
> 
> However keeping it a secret will only mean he'll try the same thing again, even if you distance yourself from him. He's addicted to the thrill. As a friend you owe her the truth too. And she deserves a better life than a cheating husband.


That's probably the easiest thing for me to do and that's just to walk away. I fear that one day she might find out and come looking for me. If she has to find out, it would probably be better coming from me but I would feel so guilty if I'm the cause of breaking up their relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Stop all contact, rearrange your life outside of them and tell the woman you betrayed, she might have been a friend to you but you are nothing but a villain to her, everything and give her any support she wants if she wants anything to do with you ever again.

She deserves to have informed consent about her physical, emotional and financial health. She has none of that right now as she is being exposed to God knows what.

Get a STD test because scum who aren't faithful can't really be trusted to just fk the tramp they have on the side.


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## m2r2 (Apr 29, 2020)

This is my first post here and I don’t know if I am breaking any rules but try to search for
Husband of 15yrs had affair with my childhood bestfriend

This is a story in another forum by a woman who is in your friend’s shoes

Good luck


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

jasec said:


> I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.


Wow, this is one of the weirdest compartmentalization and rationalization I read in a while. Does this allow you to sleep at night?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

m2r2 said:


> This is my first post here and I don’t know if I am breaking any rules but try to search for
> Husband of 15yrs had affair with my childhood bestfriend
> 
> This is a story in another forum by a woman who is in your friend’s shoes
> ...


Do start a thread and share how this made you feel, and lies how it affected you.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

jasec said:


> That's probably the easiest thing for me to do and that's just to walk away. I fear that one day she might find out and come looking for me. If she has to find out, it would probably be better coming from me but I would feel so guilty if I'm the cause of breaking up their relationship.


The minute you touched him, or spoke to him, as a confidant tbats when you set up their relationship gor failure. As a guy, we do not confine in women unless we believe there's a chance that that woman could provide us (men) with sex or sexual favors. So you're already the catalyst for their now eminent divorse. 

Tell her. She deserves that much. 

And run as you might you'll never escape the guilt.

Just learn from the mistake.


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Stop all contact, rearrange your life outside of them and tell the woman you betrayed, she might have been a friend to you but you are nothing but a villain to her, everything and give her any support she wants if she wants anything to do with you ever again.
> 
> She deserves to have informed consent about her physical, emotional and financial health. She has none of that right now as she is being exposed to God knows what.
> 
> Get a STD test because scum who aren't faithful can't really be trusted to just fk the tramp they have on the side.


I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend. It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

But it WILL be because if you.
Regardless of what you thoight was the best of intentions. When you slept with him YOU became the cause. NOT the solution to theit problems. And continuing to sleep with him only further confirms this.

Im not saying you aren't a good person. But ... you did wrong. AND so did he. You're both to blame.

And now you need to go. And let them work on their issues. If there's even a hope of recovery.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jasec said:


> I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.


I am really sorry, but listen: You came for advice, you know this is wrong because it makes you feel bad. But this is delusional. 

She does not need you to screw her husband so that she keeps her marriage together... She needs a marriage. She needs a husband that is not a creep. 

Listen, I am not some holy roller here, I have done some really questionable stuff with women in my life. I am not proud of a lot of it, but your thinking here is just justification of our bad behavior. 

Can you see that???


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jasec said:


> That's probably the easiest thing for me to do and that's just to walk away. I fear that one day she might find out and come looking for me. If she has to find out, it would probably be better coming from me but I would feel so guilty if I'm the cause of breaking up their relationship.


Oh she will find out. It always comes out eventually. But you know...the poor woman should be looking for her H instead of you when it happens. Her H is her biggest problem. Best of luck...you're going to need it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend. It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


You are beyond anyone's help. I won't be talking to you anymore because you are the worst type of backstabbing villain and you are too arrogant and full of yourself to change.

I dare you to be brassy enough to talk so freely with the woman you are betraying.

Cat got your tongue? You know damn well what you are and that is exactly why you are afraid to tell her what's going on.

I guarantee she will call you a villain and far worse than I can when she knows the truth about you.

Bu by.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jasec said:


> I'll try to keep this brief. I've been sleeping with a married man for over 3 years now. *His wife is actually one of my best friends and we are close*. She does not know that I have been sleeping with him. The guilt has been building up in me over time and I want to end the relationship with him. He does not want to end it but it just makes me feel so bad when I see her and talk to her on the phone. She often asks me for relationship advice and confides in me things that are going on in their marriage. I have watched their kids on occasion and I've slept with him several times while the kids were in the house. I have decided to either find a way to tell her without destroying her relationship or either completely removing myself from their lives and while she may think that I abandoned her as a friend, she would never know that I was sleeping with her husband. I've spoken to him about what I decided and he blew up. He doesn't want this to end and I'm afraid he might hurt one of us if I tell her what's been going on. Any guidance would be appreciated.


She might be a best friend of yours, but you are no best friend of hers.

And you are not close with her. Unless you use your "closeness" to learn more ways to betray her? 

Have you ever used the intimate information you gain in your talks with her to better betray her with her husband?

You must stop. Now. And tell her. If you are a friend of hers.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend. It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


Good friends do not sleep with their friends spouses. The respect went out the window the first time with her H. No one ever intended to destroy a life or marriage but they do. Yes, you are a villain in ever sense of the word. Sleeping with you instead of a prostitute does not make it any better. You are not doing anyone any favors. If you cared about their relationship and marriage this would not have been started.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend. It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


You had a choice. Most reasonable "friends" would have immediately told their friend that their husband was confiding things with her that made her feel uncomfortable and that these were things the husband should be discussing with his wife. That there are both communication and boundary issues in their marriage that could lead to really bad things if not addressed. That's what a "friend" would do. But instead you chose to become a surrogate for sexual and emotional needs felt by the husband. 

The reasonable thing to do would be to leave town and disconnect entirely from both of them. At some point the reason will come out. In fact, it should come out, because there's nothing so special about you that this situation won't happen again. The wife should know.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend. It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


THIS. IS. PURELY. DELUSIONAL!
Painting yourself as the friendly vajayjay that was merely keeping the wayward hubby on "the reservation"
How selfless of you offering up your hole for his pole for the good of your BFF.
Now you're in the middle of their marital drama. Who'd a thunk?
Put yourself in her position.You can't seriously think that?
If you truly believe that, I have some prime oceanfront property In Kansas I can cut you a good deal on.
Jeez!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend. It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


So let me phrase this differently. How do you think she would react that it was YOU that was sleeping with her husband rather than some anonymous woman? Don't you see here that she would feel MUCH more betrayed? First betrayed by her H, but ALSO betrayed BY YOU -- You are someone she trusted. I would think she would feel that you stabbed her in the back
I think she would RATHER have found out he was just banging anonymous prostitutes than a dear friend, don't you?

A woman in the streets wouldn't HAVE to care about her or walk away -- that woman wouldn't KNOW her from Adam. YOU DO know her. This is MUCH more of a betrayal that a dear friend did this to her who SHOULD have been protecting her. Hopefully you can see that viewpoint?

In any event, I DO think you need to tell her so that SHE can decide what she wants to do about her marriage. You DO understand that she will probably never talk with you again, which should make moving on and extracting yourself from their lives easier to do.


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So let me phrase this differently. How do you think she would react that it was YOU that was sleeping with her husband rather than some anonymous woman? Don't you see here that she would feel MUCH more betrayed? First betrayed by her H, but ALSO betrayed BY YOU -- You are someone she trusted. I would think she would feel that you stabbed her in the back
> I think she would RATHER have found out he was just banging anonymous prostitutes than a dear friend, don't you?
> 
> A woman in the streets wouldn't HAVE to care about her or walk away -- that woman wouldn't KNOW her from Adam. YOU DO know her. This is MUCH more of a betrayal that a dear friend did this to her who SHOULD have been protecting her. Hopefully you can see that viewpoint?
> ...


I do understand that point of view and I do realize she might feel betrayed by me. I just truly believe that one day, she'll be able to see that I wasn't all bad for them. Maybe I'm naive for this but I always hoped that she could patch the holes up in her marriage so that he wouldn't have to sleep with me. I was hoping it gotten to the point that he wouldn't need to sleep with me anymore. They had problems in their marriage and although that's none of my business, it wouldn't be fair to shift all that blame to me because of the affair.

I know what I've been doing is absolutely horrible but what I'm saying is that my sole intention in life was not to destroy her or their relationship. I was truly a good friend. She's been in my house and I've been in hers. She trust me around their kids. All of those feelings and moments were genuine. Yes, I feel guilty and horrible for sleeping with him but that does not mean that I was a evil B to her. That's the point I'm trying to make.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Interesting. 3 years, your friend and you treated her with respect.........Hmmmmm.............. “respect” and “friend“ must have updated definitions that are new to me.


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> She might be a best friend of yours, but you are no best friend of hers.
> 
> And you are not close with her. Unless you use your "closeness" to learn more ways to betray her?
> 
> ...


I've never used any information against her but there was a stretch of time where she suspected he might have been cheating. I did mislead her into thinking that he wasn't cheating and she didn't mention those thoughts to me anymore. I am truly sorry for all that. I have stopped and no, I don't consider us to be friends anymore.


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## phantom44 (Apr 20, 2020)

This is my first reply here. I'm new. I wrote a whole long story introducing myself and "poof" it went out into the world wide web? Meaning it's gone. and I'm not writing all that again.

But this thread is a joke right? It has to be.
Can't be for real.

Screwing her husband is doing 'them" good! lol Your her best friend? Huh?

No way this is to screwy to even be true.

I would believe it more if you just came out and said, you didn't care who you hurt. I'm a selfish "blank". 

So now am I going to get kicked off the first day on the forum?.

How can anyone read this and not want to strangle someone? 
This is NUTS!


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

@jasec 
Unfortunately sweety even the best of intentions can be seen as evil. 

Yes, you wanted to help a friend, but you betrayed that friend when you slept with her husband. Even just by talking to him about his relationship with her, AND he talking to you, you opened up Pandora's Box. You are both equally guilty for the infidelity. 

You may not have intended to sleep with him, hoping that by just talking to him you could help him work out his issues with her. And as you mentioned you spite to her too. Maybe you were hoping to provide clarity, to solve their issues without beginning involved. But when you kissed him or he kissed you, or whatever started your 3 year romp, a line was crossed. He crossed it just as much ad you did. You both behaved badly. Made the wrong choice. 

What compounds the issue is that this affair lasted for 3 years. You kept her husband's transgressions a secret from someone you dubbed as a best friend. He's just as guilty for not confessing, but he had no reason to, he had two women wanting him. But he's still scum for cheating on his wife. But by you claiming to be a friend, as much as you tried to console her, you drive the act of betrayal to new levels. 

It wound be one thing to know he was cheating, and not say anything. But YOU were the one he was cheating with. And that's the issue everyone here seems to have with this situation. 

But my questions to you are: why now? What made you decide to come here and seek advice? What's driving you to say that this affair is over? 

You've admitted to wrong doing. That's the first step to absolution, but you well not get forgiveness. This will be a mark on you until the day you die. You are The Other Woman ... But he is also the Lying Cheating Goodfornothing A$$hole. So he'll get his recompense too. 

Like i said, the best of intentions led to the wing outcome. Know that you will get no forgiveness and move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jasec said:


> I do understand that point of view and I do realize she might feel betrayed by me. I just truly believe that one day, she'll be able to see that I wasn't all bad for them. Maybe I'm naive for this but I always hoped that she could patch the holes up in her marriage so that he wouldn't have to sleep with me. I was hoping it gotten to the point that he wouldn't need to sleep with me anymore. They had problems in their marriage and although that's none of my business, it wouldn't be fair to shift all that blame to me because of the affair.
> 
> I know what I've been doing is absolutely horrible but what I'm saying is that my sole intention in life was not to destroy her or their relationship. I was truly a good friend. She's been in my house and I've been in hers. She trust me around their kids. All of those feelings and moments were genuine. Yes, I feel guilty and horrible for sleeping with him but that does not mean that I was a evil B to her. That's the point I'm trying to make.


Seriously, are you for real? The "might feel betrayed" will be most certainly feel betrayed. You are just a peach. No doubt she will see the value in your screwing her H. You are not naive...you are full of yourself and quite frankly on another planet. They may have had problems in their marriage but I can assure you...you did not help one bit. You are 50% of the blame. Own it.

The only thing you got right in this post is, "I was truly a good friend". Until you stepped over the boundary.

Evil comes in many forms.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@jasec And you know he isn't seeing other women besides you, how, exactly?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Is this one of those threads that goes for about 50 pages and then we find out it isn't actually true?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

karole said:


> Is this one of those threads that goes for about 50 pages and then we find out it isn't actually true?


Hopefully?


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Wow, just wow!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jasec said:


> I'll try to keep this brief. I've been sleeping with a married man for over 3 years now.


Three years is a lifestyle.


> His wife is actually one of my best friends and we are close.


You're not her friend and you're not close. You are not her friend, you are likely her worst enemy. You're not close, you've been lying to her for three years about her own life.



> She does not know that I have been sleeping with him.


Obviously.


> The guilt has been building up in me over time


After 3 years, it's not guilt you are feeling.


> and I want to end the relationship with him.


If you wanted to, it would already be over.


> He does not want to end it


Of course not. He gets to have sex with two (or more) women. Why would he want to end it?


> but it just makes me feel so bad when I see her and talk to her on the phone.


Not buying that.


> She often asks me for relationship advice and confides in me things that are going on in their marriage. I have watched their kids on occasion and I've slept with him several times while the kids were in the house. I have decided to either find a way to tell her without destroying her relationship or either completely removing myself from their lives and while she may think that I abandoned her as a friend, she would never know that I was sleeping with her husband. I've spoken to him about what I decided and he blew up. He doesn't want this to end and I'm afraid he might hurt one of us if I tell her what's been going on. Any guidance would be appreciated.


I can't even respond to that. You abandoned her as a friend 3 years ago, and your chance to be worried about hurting her was back then.

Here's what I recommend:

1. Call your "friend" and tell her exactly what's been going on. Don't justify it or sugar coat it. Give her as much or as little detail as she asks for.
2. Block her husband.
3. Go and get an STD test. You may not be not the only "other" woman in his life.
4. Go and get into therapy.
5. Be single. For a long time.


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

Cazmodius said:


> @jasec
> Unfortunately sweety even the best of intentions can be seen as evil.
> 
> Yes, you wanted to help a friend, but you betrayed that friend when you slept with her husband. Even just by talking to him about his relationship with her, AND he talking to you, you opened up Pandora's Box. You are both equally guilty for the infidelity.
> ...



I've been driven over the past couple months to come clean to her. Of course, I've been feeling guilty and it gets stronger every day. It wasn't until March when she was staying home more due to the virus and she would complain to me about how he wouldn't initiate sex or he would only want oral sex from her. She confided in me about this while at the same time, he would come to my house or we would meet up and have full blown sex. I tried to convince her that maybe he was stressed out due to work and their financials when I really knew that he wasn't willingly sleeping with her because he was already getting the cookie from me. 

That was the final straw for me and that's why I've decided to stop this behavior. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm holy or that I was righting a wrong but I just feel ashamed and I don't want to be stuck in the center of this when/if it ever comes out.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jasec said:


> I've been driven over the past couple months to come clean to her. Of course, I've been feeling guilty and it gets stronger every day. It wasn't until March when she was staying home more due to the virus and she would complain to me about how he wouldn't initiate sex or he would only want oral sex from her. She confided in me about this while at the same time, he would come to my house or we would meet up and have full blown sex. I tried to convince her that maybe he was stressed out due to work and their financials when I really knew that he wasn't willingly sleeping with her because he was already getting the cookie from me.
> 
> That was the final straw for me and that's why I've decided to stop this behavior. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm holy or that I was righting a wrong but I just feel ashamed and I don't want to be stuck in the center of this when/if it ever comes out.


Oh, make no mistake... At some point this is going to come out. Not much doubt about that. 

It would be better, as bad as it would be, coming from you.

BTW, you never answered my question, ARE YOU MARRIED???? OR HAVE A BF??? 

Since you did not answer I will assume that you are married or attached, Right???


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

Sadly you will remain a part of this until the bitter end. There's no escape. Just come clean and be ready to be berated, degraded and shunned. Bc make no mistake word will spread of your actions. The friend well tell anyone who'll listen about her cheating husband and "backstabbing bff". Sp best just get it over with and start planning what you'll do afterwards.


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Oh, make no mistake... At some point this is going to come out. Not much doubt about that.
> 
> It would be better, as bad as it would be, coming from you.
> 
> ...


I'm seeing someone and he did propose but I'm currently not married.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jasec said:


> I've been driven over the past couple months to come clean to her. Of course, I've been feeling guilty and it gets stronger every day.


So the reason you are currently thinking about coming clean is to allow yourself to feel better. 

Which, judging from the rest of you posts, is about the only moral motivation you follow.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jasec said:


> I'm seeing someone and he did propose but I'm currently not married.


So you are cheating on him as well.

Listen, do you see what you are doing, how you are minimizing everything that is going on in your life?

Do you understand that in the long run, this type of stuff, these types of decisions will ruin your life?

You probably think everyone is just being mean to you, but they are really trying to help you see what you are doing to yourself.

Your title to your thread should say, "Having an affair with my BFF's husband and my boyfriend has no clue"

Can you see how the title in minimizing what you are deciding to do with your life....


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> So you are cheating on him as well.
> 
> Listen, do you see what you are doing, how you are minimizing everything that is going on in your life?
> 
> ...


Sorry but I was not clear with my explanation. I am seeing someone but we are not married. He knows that I see other men and that will continue until we are officially married. That's if I even decide to accept his offer to marry. That's besides the point of my issue but the answer is that I'm not cheating on anyone. He does not know who I see but he knows that it does happen.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jasec said:


> Sorry but I was not clear with my explanation. I am seeing someone but we are not married. He knows that I see other men and that will continue until we are officially married. That's if I even decide to accept his offer to marry. That's besides the point of my issue but the answer is that I'm not cheating on anyone. He does not know who I see but he knows that it does happen.


Ok, that is fair... 

Well he won't make the cut because he asked you to marry him and did not want to go exclusive before he asked. 

Kind of sounds like you are playing with him be at lease you are not cheating on him. 

Listen, are any of the things we are trying to get you to realize coming across to you. 

This thing with the BFF's husband has to stop, and she needs to be told. If she ever was your friend, she deserves to know...


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

First, an affair with a spouse's friend is one of the biggest fantasies around. Any number of married men will bang their wife's friend, or wife's sister if they figure they can get away with it. I'd hate to guess what percentage of affairs are with a spouse's friend.

Second, some consider banging a friend's spouse as providing them with something superior to what their spouse provides, thus boosting the ego. I think that's where Jasec is.

Third, and the most troubling to me, is that two people can grind pubic bones for months or years with no problem or remorse. But when one gets tired and decides to break it off, they often want to suddenly "do the right thing" and tell the spouse who "needs to know" what kind of cheater they are married now that the affair is over. The paramour now feels vindicated as the one who stepped up, did the right thing, and set the record streight.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Man, what a garbage human. I just hope it is someone having fun and not really believing they are not evil, or a villain. What is a villain if not this?


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Ok, that is fair...
> 
> Well he won't make the cut because he asked you to marry him and did not want to go exclusive before he asked.
> 
> ...


Yes I understand what everyone is saying and I'm not bothered by the negativity since I expected to be pounded repeatedly once I posted my problem. I have given up sleeping with him and it won't happen again. I just wanted to know which choice would seem to have the best outcome for them. Whether that's leaving with no explanation or spilling all the details to her. I'm leaning towards just cutting them off and moving on with my life. However, I feel that if I ever found out that he eventually found another woman to replace me, I'd want his wife to know.

I really want to get it off my chest and tell her but I just don't see any scenario where I can come out looking like a decent human being for telling the truth.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Why would you come out looking like a decent human being? How could you possibly come out of this looking like something you have not been.

If you actually care about this, actually care about her, and actually want to try and be a decent human being. You need to tell her, beg her forgiveness and understand when she hates you (deservedly) for the rest of your life.


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> Why would you come out looking like a decent human being? How could you possibly come out of this looking like something you have not been.
> 
> If you actually care about this, actually care about her, and actually want to try and be a decent human being. You need to tell her, beg her forgiveness and understand when she hates you (deservedly) for the rest of your life.



What I mean is that if I confess, I feel like the fact that I slept with him would overshadow the fact that I stood up and told the truth. My honesty and loyalty to her shouldn't be lost in all of this. In case you can't tell, I do actually consider her a close friend. I do care for her. I'm sorry I put her in this position and I would want her to know that I still cared for her if she were to find out.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jasec said:


> Yes I understand what everyone is saying and I'm not bothered by the negativity since I expected to be pounded repeatedly once I posted my problem. I have given up sleeping with him and it won't happen again. I just wanted to know which choice would seem to have the best outcome for them. Whether that's leaving with no explanation or spilling all the details to her. I'm leaning towards just cutting them off and moving on with my life. However, I feel that if I ever found out that he eventually found another woman to replace me, I'd want his wife to know.
> 
> I really want to get it off my chest and tell her but I just don't see any scenario where I can come out looking like a decent human being for telling the truth.


Now this is getting somewhere. This sounds like you are thinking a little clearer. 

Let me ask you this. Let's say that you are married, and at first you are really in love. You have a couple of kids, life takes over, some of the spark goes away. 

Then for some reason, the man that you loved, and yeah you have some issues... He is not romantic enough, he lets me do all the work with the kids, he seems critical of you, but you know, you love him... AND THEN, you realize that he is not having sex with you very often... You wonder what is up? You are not what you were, but you are still pretty, why doesn't he want you any more... And then you find out the he has been screwing your best friend for 3 years... 

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?? 

And how would you feel if he screw someone besides your BFF and you got HPV or something worse??? 

You would feel like a fool for lots of reasons... 

She deserves to know. She deserves to have some say in her life. What if they divorce and she finds the man that every woman dreams of, whatever that is and she could have had years of passionate love and sex. 

Oh, but that did not happen because she just found out that he was screwing everyone in town including your BFF and she wasted the best year of her life staying with a cheater and trying to figure out what was wrong with her... 

What if that happened to her? 

She deserves to know and make her own decisions, don't you think.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

jasec said:


> What I mean is that if I confess, I feel like the fact that I slept with him would overshadow the fact that I stood up and told the truth. My honesty and loyalty to her shouldn't be lost in all of this. In case you can't tell, I do actually consider her a close friend. I do care for her. I'm sorry I put her in this position and I would want her to know that I still cared for her if she were to find out.


A few things:

1. Confessing to stabbing someone doesn't un-stab them. You F'd her husband for 3 years and lied to her.
2. Your honestly and loyalty did not mean **** to you, you F'd her husband for 3 years and lied to her.
3. If this is your friend, I wonder how you treat people you hate?

What you did is one of the lowest, most unloving, most cruel things you can do to a person. Do not tell me she is your friend, well she may be your friend, but you are not hers.


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## 343663 (Apr 22, 2020)

There's no coming back from this @jasec. The deed is done. There's no peaceful resolution for you. You will not have him. You will not have her. They will be distant memories from here on out. 

Confession well not bring things back to the way they were. That's not how life works. You will not be friends nor will you be frienemies. Your relationship with them is over. To confess means loosing her. Face that fact. 

This isnt the Brady Bunch, things wont get out neatly back to the way they were before. 

Confession means you're giving her the info she needs to move on with her life. 
Leaving without confessing means abandoning her. Abandoning the friendship you had with her prior to the affair. All those years you spent becoming friends will be deemed worthless, a waste of time and energy. 

I think what everyone is saying is that you must confess. Because it's the right thing to do. So do the right thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get tested for every STD out there first, find out what you are up against.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Since you have inside info you can and did steer his wife away from her suspicion of an affair. I really hope that you did not tell she was crazy and made her second guess her gut instinct of him having a side piece, while you are sitting right there listening like a spy gathering info being both friend and mistress - with some narcissistic idea that you are doing all them a favor. I don't really know who is the baddest bad guy/gal here, him for sleeping with his wife's friend or you for sleeping with your friend's husband. Whatever...
Three years is not a fling, it's a lifestyle that most likely it is not anywhere near to being over. I'm 98% sure you will need "closure"

I hope that this is a Quarantine writing project but I am afraid it may be real...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend. It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


You are either trolling us or you are mentally ill.

Your "friend" will want to murder you. She'd rather it be a prostitute. It being you means she was betrayed by two people instead of one. 

My advice? Tell the husband you are removing yourself from their lives, will be blocking both of them from contact, and it's up to him to tell his wife why.her friend is suddenly gone.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

jasec said:


> Yes I understand what everyone is saying and I'm not bothered by the negativity *since I expected to be pounded repeatedly *once I posted my problem. I have given up sleeping with him and it won't happen again. I just wanted to know which choice would seem to have the best outcome for them. Whether that's leaving with no explanation or spilling all the details to her. I'm leaning towards just cutting them off and moving on with my life. However, I feel that if I ever found out that he eventually found another woman to replace me, I'd want his wife to know.
> 
> I really want to get it off my chest and tell her but I just don't see any scenario where I can come out looking like a decent human being for telling the truth.


Interesting choice of words. 

You sound like you have massive sexual issues. You are sleeping around with other men on your boyfriend who proposed, and you won't be monogamous until the day you are married (yeah, right)? Maybe you need to see a shrink to figure out why you constantly need sex from multiple partners and feel fine screwing your friends' husbands. 

Were you abused?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I have two friends who are married. They were having some problems and he came to me for some advice and support, which I gave him. I did not lay on my back for him and let him **** me for the good of his marriage and nor did he ask me to because when someone really wants to fix their marital problems they don’t do it by ****ing someone else. Your lover didn’t want to save his marriage. He wanted to **** someone behind his wife’s back because he is a total scumbag. It sounds like he did a great job convincing you that you were helping his marriage. He played you and big. 

You are delusional if you think she’s going to think “well, she ****ed my husband for three years but since she told me that means she is a really good person.” You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t scratch your eyes out because to her, you’ll always be a back stabbing *****.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

jasec said:


> I'll try to keep this brief. I've been sleeping with a married man for over 3 years now. His wife is actually one of my best friends and we are close. She does not know that I have been sleeping with him. The guilt has been building up in me over time and I want to end the relationship with him. He does not want to end it but it just makes me feel so bad when I see her and talk to her on the phone. She often asks me for relationship advice and confides in me things that are going on in their marriage. I have watched their kids on occasion and I've slept with him several times while the kids were in the house. I have decided to either find a way to tell her without destroying her relationship or either completely removing myself from their lives and while she may think that I abandoned her as a friend, she would never know that I was sleeping with her husband. I've spoken to him about what I decided and he blew up. He doesn't want this to end and I'm afraid he might hurt one of us if I tell her what's been going on. Any guidance would be appreciated.


You should remove yourself from both of their lives.
Tell her ASAP. 
The marriage will probably end.....it probably should end. 
YOU and this CHEATING man are the cause.
The pain, heartbreak, disgust, loneliness, worthlessness, hole in her heart, betrayed, sick to her stomach agony she'll be experiencing for months, years to come lies 100% on YOU and this GUY.
You've destroyed a marriage.
You've destroyed a family.
You've betrayed a friend in the most intimate, personal, hurtful way. 

But hey, there are 3.5 BILLION men on the earth but you are so important you just gotta do you.....you wanted this one guy, so screw everyone and everything....you just had no choice, right?
You are too selfish to tell yourself no, right?
No applies to other saps. You are too important to not get whatever suits you no matter who you have to destroy to get it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Interesting story. I actually heard a similar one many decades ago. Want to know what happened when the “friend” confessed to the wife what was going on? The wife went after her. And was arrested. And it made the local papers. Lots of drama. So forget about making things “right” with his wife (not remotely possible).


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

jasec said:


> I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.


You have NOT been a good friend!!! A good friend would NEVER sleep with their husband!

tell her the truth! The friendship will end and so will the affair... and she will know exactly who she is married to!
She has that right to know.


as for the MM... well - he wants BOTH servings of dessert - so taking one away he throws a little tantrum like the two year old he is.

he’s no prize - extract yourself from all of them. This double betrayal to her is despicable.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

My advice is to get into counseling ASAP because for you to think you're a friend of this woman shows how F'd up you are!!

What color is the sky in your world?

Her best friend????

WOW.....just WOW!!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You need an honest assessment of yourself!

you haven’t been respectful to her or honest. You willingly gathered info from her personal life knowing you could use that info to your advantage!

and you had sex with him while his kids were home... that is as low as anyone can go.

be honest about the crappy friend you’ve been - YOU willingly CHOSE to betray her for THREE years!

she will never “one day appreciate this situation”! What planet are you living on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Please stop calling other members trolls. Use the report function if you think a member is not genuine.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

jasec said:


> I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.


no, you weren’t ‘helping the marriage’

mainly because you didn’t ask her permission when you started having sex with her husband! Did ya forget about that part?


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> You have NOT been a good friend!!! A good friend would NEVER sleep with their husband!
> 
> tell her the truth! The friendship will end and so will the affair... and she will know exactly who she is married to!
> She has that right to know.
> ...



I'm not here to be judged on whether or not I was a good friend because I know what I am good. I just made a mistake but that doesn't change the way that I feel for her as a friend. I'd take a bullet for her today and she knows that. Of course, she might hate me if she found out about the affair but that issue is separate from our friendship.

And yes, I've removed myself from the relationship and will not sleep with him anymore. I see how he manipulated both of us and I'm over it.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

jasec said:


> Yes I understand what everyone is saying and I'm not bothered by the negativity since I expected to be pounded repeatedly once I posted my problem. I have given up sleeping with him and it won't happen again. I just wanted to know which choice would seem to have the best outcome for them. Whether that's leaving with no explanation or spilling all the details to her. I'm leaning towards just cutting them off and moving on with my life. However, I feel that if I ever found out that he eventually found another woman to replace me, I'd want his wife to know.
> 
> I really want to get it off my chest and tell her but *I just don't see any scenario where I can come out looking like a decent human being for telling the truth.*


I agree with you regarding the bold and underlined above. Even though you have good intentions and you can see positive results to the marriage, even if you think the affair has saved the marriage, without it the marriage would have failed, very likely your betrayed friend will not perceive that, and very likely she will have a "wall" to keep from listening to your explanations.

You may think that people posting here are influenced by being cheated upon, and you would be correct, but not as much as you believe. You are smart enough to know that most people, even ones who have never been cheated on, frequently even people who have had affairs, think cheating is wrong and the cheaters are the "villain," only if compared to the betrayed spouse.

I think it probably works out best if you just walk away. You only have bad options, and that is probably the best of the bad options.

Telling the truth is the right thing, but there is no way you can look like a decent human being for telling the truth in this situation.

I am curious about the affair. How did it get started? You perceive that the affair helped the marriage. Is that the reason you got involved in the affair, or did that happen afterwards at some point? In other words, was that your intention, to have an affair with him to help her stay married?

Art reflects life. I like movies. Most real life situations have been represented in film, or books. Usually, no matter what any of us is doing, we are the first ever, so someone else has gone through it, and frequently represented it in a movie. But I can't think of any movie (or book) where the best friend had an affair with the best friend's spouse in order to help the marriage. Can you think of one? If not, can you envision such a movie being filmed? I can, but I cannot see any way to film it or direct to make your character look like the hero of the film. Only the villain. Or maybe a hapless victim of the master villain, the husband. In your real life situation, the husband seems like a real jerky guy. Cheats on his wife, and if you break up with him, he will attack you physically. Is that what he says he will do?

I am curious about your best friend. Should she stay married to her husband? I am asking your opinion. Would your best friend be better off without him? Is she dependent upon him financially? If that is the case, should she begin to plan to bolster her career, so she can leave him at some point in the future? Are there kids involved?

Finally, I am going to post a link from a doctor who has dealt with affairs. This doctor says that there are various different kinds of affairs, for example one kind is a one-off, like a one-night stand with a stranger, one is accidental, the two people kind of just fell together and fell "in love" like a co-worker or ex-sweetheart who reconnected, and another kind of affair is when the two people were looking for an affair, like when the two people go on a dating website or an adultery website. There are others, but those are just some examples. Likewise, the people involved in the affair, according to this doctor, fall into various categories. For example, the person who fell in love vs. the person who doesn't fall in love, for example. I am going to post below what this doctor says about single women who have affairs. I don't know you and your reasons and the type of person you are, so please don't take offense. But I do know that you had to make a decision to have sex with your friend's husband, and that you lied to your best friend, at least by omission, for three years. Usually best friends confide in deep feelings and situations about their lives, but you have not done this with your best friend. So I hope you understand that many off us who have best friends might not understand you very well. There is nothing you posted to make me understand it yet. Anyway, here is the link. Do you see any of it in your affair? Does it help you at all with how to deal with this?

Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Now this is getting somewhere. This sounds like you are thinking a little clearer.
> 
> Let me ask you this. Let's say that you are married, and at first you are really in love. You have a couple of kids, life takes over, some of the spark goes away.
> 
> ...



I admit that I would feel hurt. However, I can't ignore the fact that it was my job to please my husband so if he did step outside of our marriage, it was because of an issue that we had. I'm not trying to shift the blame to my friend but there's no way that she could think that she was an innocent victim over all this time. She would have to understand that there are some things that she's done over the years that have pushed him away. I hate to judge her but she's told me some things that proves that she's not an angel and I don't think she would be surprised to find out he's been stepping out with me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wrong in this but you seem to present that scenario to imply that I'm the only one at fault here.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’m not judging...

I’m going strictly by the evidence you typed.

what else would I work with here?

this is who you ARE! You are the woman that sleeps with her best friends husband for three years - including in their home - WITH their children present!

did I get those facts right?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She has every right to know who she is married to - and the person you really are.

when are you going to tell her your truth?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

jasec said:


> I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.


WOW!
You are full blown delusional.
You are telling yourself whatever made up fantasy you need to make yourself feel better.
You are a HORRIBLE friend. HORRIBLE!
This is disgusting in every way possible.
You are seriously telling us that you screwing her husband and having an affair with her man is "keeping them together" and making him a "better husband and father".
Your are really telling yourself anything to feel ok with this....like it isn't that big of a deal.
Shouldn't all of us have such a good friend who will screw our spouse behind our backs for three years.....all for our own good.

Disgusting.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

jasec said:


> I admit that I would feel hurt. However, I can't ignore the fact that it was my job to please my husband so if he did step outside of our marriage, it was because of an issue that we had. I'm not trying to shift the blame to my friend but there's no way that she could think that she was an innocent victim over all this time. She would have to understand that there are some things that she's done over the years that have pushed him away. I hate to judge her but she's told me some things that proves that she's not an angel and I don't think she would be surprised to find out he's been stepping out with me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wrong in this but you seem to present that scenario to imply that I'm the only one at fault here.


ya know - in most marriages - it works better for the safety of the marriage when the spouse who has concerns takes those concerns directly to the person they are married to!

Bringing in “friends” to assess the marriage and provide those solutions isn’t wise. thats what professional counselors are for - to have the married couple work TOGETHER to solve the issues.

ive never seen problems be solved by having any “friend” sleep with the spouse as any means to solve problems.

you need to quit the delusional thoughts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend.


Sleeping with her husband is show her a LOT of disrespect. It's about the most disrespectful thing you can do to a woman who you consider your friend. And no, you have not treated her as a good friend. You have treated her extremely badly. Wait until she finds out what has been going on.... 



jasec said:


> It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong.


Your ability to justify your actions is astounding. To her, you are a villain. You are probably the biggest villain she has ever, or will ever have in her life. You willingly put yourself in the middle of their marital problems.. you are now THE major marital problem they have.

If you think that you have not disrespected her, or mistreated her, or you are not a villain... why not go see her and tell her about your affair with her husband. See how she feels about it. If you have been such a good friend to her, why have you not been telling her all along?



jasec said:


> I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation.


LOL... are you serious?



jasec said:


> At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


 Seriously? You are delusional.

She will NEVER see it the way you depict it here. Please, go tell her.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

jasec said:


> I admit that I would feel hurt. However, I can't ignore the fact that it was my job to please my husband so if he did step outside of our marriage, it was because of an issue that we had. I'm not trying to shift the blame to my friend but there's no way that she could think that she was an innocent victim over all this time. She would have to understand that there are some things that she's done over the years that have pushed him away. I hate to judge her but she's told me some things that proves that she's not an angel and I don't think she would be surprised to find out he's been stepping out with me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wrong in this but you seem to present that scenario to imply that I'm the only one at fault here.


That is one of the biggest loads of bull cheaters try to sling.
I cheated because you did X, Y and Z....so it is sort of your fault. 
BS.
Cheaters are always 100% to blame.
Leave the marriage and divorce if you are that unhappy. Screwing another person outside the marriage is always the worst.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phantom44 said:


> This is my first reply here. I'm new. I wrote a whole long story introducing myself and "poof" it went out into the world wide web? Meaning it's gone. and I'm not writing all that again


I just sent to a private message (under conversations) about your lost posts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jasec said:


> What I mean is that if I confess, I feel like the fact that I slept with him would overshadow the fact that I stood up and told the truth. My honesty and loyalty to her shouldn't be lost in all of this. In case you can't tell, I do actually consider her a close friend. *I do care for her*. I'm sorry I put her in this position and I would want her to know that I still cared for her if she were to find out.


No you do not care for her. You care only for yourself. You are worried about how you will come out of this if you tell her or don't tell her.

The fact is that when she finds out she will be devastated. You and he have done of the most horrific things a person can do to someone else. And you did it to someone who you pretended to be a friend to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jasec said:


> I admit that I would feel hurt. However, I can't ignore the fact that it was my job to please my husband so if he did step outside of our marriage, it was because of an issue that we had. I'm not trying to shift the blame to my friend but there's no way that she could think that she was an innocent victim over all this time. *She would have to understand that there are some things that she's done over the years that have pushed him away. *I hate to judge her but she's told me some things that proves that she's not an angel and I don't think she would be surprised to find out he's been stepping out with me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wrong in this but you seem to present that scenario to imply that I'm the only one at fault here.


Have no doubt that there are probably things that he has done over the years that pushed her away too... things that drove a wedge between them both.

It was both of their responsibility to deal with their own problems. He decided to take the weasel way out and use you... yes he used you. That's what's funny here. You seem to not realize that you are just a convenient piece that he used.

Keep in mind that he's a liar. We know this because he's been lying to his wife for years. He's lying to you too. This is what cheaters do. He's lying to her. He's lying to you. You can be sure that just about every negative thing he's told you about her is simply him justifying his cheating. It's meant to make you feel like you are special to him. You are not. 

Shoot you are probably one in a long strong of women that he uses.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

You seem very angry with your best friend. It seems you really don't like how your best friend has acted in her marriage. It seems you blame your best friend for the cheating.

I really thought you were different. It's just so cliche for the Mistress to claim the Wife couldn't keep her Husband happy. Very, very common. The Other Woman almost always says that.

It seems you are feeling superior that by Husband wanting you has proven that you are more desired and more feminine than your best friend, and that you obviously have more knowledge and skills to make men happy. Maybe you are deep down jealous that your best friend have a long marriage and you don't. Maybe you are resentful that you have a guy who isn't even as good as the cheating Husband you've seduced.

What did you get out of the affair? What did you like about her husband?



> _She may be particularly attracted to happy marriages, clearly envious of the woman whose husband is faithful and loving to her. Sometimes it isn't clear whether she wants to replace the happy wife or just make her miserable.
> 
> The women who are least squeamish and most likely to wreak havoc on other people's marriages are victims of some sort of abuse, so angry that they don't feel bound by the usual rules or obligations, so desperate that they cling to any source of security, and so miserable that they don't bother to think a bit of the end of it._


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

When do you expect to be the REAL friend you claim to be and tell the wife about the cheating?

I hope you actually get honest now - and let’s be realistic - tell her in person and know that she won’t be happy with the role you played in this debacle.

after that leave her alone! You have created way too much damage to be a part of her life!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

jasec said:


> I'm not here to be judged on whether or not I was a good friend because I know what I am good. I just made a mistake but that doesn't change the way that I feel for her as a friend. I'd take a bullet for her today and she knows that. Of course, she might hate me if she found out about the affair but that issue is separate from our friendship.
> 
> And yes, I've removed myself from the relationship and will not sleep with him anymore. I see how he manipulated both of us and I'm over it.


 She MIGHT hate you? LOL, trust me Honey, she will.

You made a MISTAKE? This was no mistake. You slept with him, and slept with him again, and again, and again, and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. You CHOSE this soooooooo many times.

What a joke.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

A mistake is you accidentally tripped and fell onto his penis... 

You purposely planned and plotted to screw her husband for three solid years.
Those are very purposeful decisions you made over and over.

so... you see, that is not what any friend of mine does.


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## lostgirl17 (Oct 19, 2017)

That poor woman, actually shocking to read if I’m honest. I ended my marriage due to husband cheating, it’s almost destroyed me so I can only imagine what this woman will be like when she finds out her best friend is screwing her husband whilst he plays happy families with her & the kids. He is doing the same as my ex- husband done, wants his cake basically, but instead of having his cakes. He lost everything and never is getting it back. You are both setting up for this massive loss, he will lose his wife (lucky escape for her) his kids and home most likely, and where will you be when this all happens? By his side or her side letting either one cry on to your shoulder!! Don’t be so silly woman!

Off course he doesn’t want you to tell her!!! He knows he will loose everything, so he is a selfish twat and doesn’t give one dam about anyone but himself. You are nothing but a bang to him and nothing more. Once caught he isn’t comming running to you...You say you feel guilt...years lately and only now you want to say somthing ? Seems to me there may be another reason behind why you want to tell her now as a good friend you are not and you care for their marriage well that’s laughable for you to say. Maybe he is getting a bit bored of you now and you know it??

Do the right thing. Tell her so she can escape that waste of space and rebuild her life again without him & you in it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jasec said:


> I admit that I would feel hurt. However, I can't ignore the fact that it was my job to please my husband so if he did step outside of our marriage, it was because of an issue that we had. I'm not trying to shift the blame to my friend but there's no way that she could think that she was an innocent victim over all this time. She would have to understand that there are some things that she's done over the years that have pushed him away. I hate to judge her but she's told me some things that proves that she's not an angel and I don't think she would be surprised to find out he's been stepping out with me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wrong in this but you seem to present that scenario to imply that I'm the only one at fault here.


If you don't want to tell her, after all how horrible would telling her be for you.

So tell him that he has to tell her. Give him a timeline. Tell him that he has 3 days to tell her. If he does not, you will tell her on the 4th day.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

His wife really needs a good support group. Such as TAM. But she doesn't have a good support group. Just a gaslighting "friend."


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp.
> I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


Yeah, I am speechless...


jasec said:


> I'm seeing someone and he did propose but I'm currently not married.


Yeah, I am even more speechless...


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

jasec said:


> the way that I feel for her as a friend. I'd take a bullet for her today and she knows that.


Oh, you don't have to take a bullet for her.

You already took a sword. A pork sword.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gosh you have the EQ of a pea! To think that you were helping your so called friend? You are nobody's friend!
You are not a friend to this woman, you are not a friend to her children, you are not a friend to her ****bag of a husband. 
You sleeping with her husband possibly created even more problems in the marriage. To think that you were able to lie to her face and 'help' her with her marriage problems! It really takes a low-down kind of person to do that to someone. Enemies wouldn't do that.
And if you really want to be her friend you now need to get your **** together, take your hallucinating narcissistic head out of your ass and do the right thing

1. tell her everything, she deserves to know the truth and get rid of her ****bag husband and you her so called friend.
2. Then cut all contact with her husband, her and the kids
3. leave their lives permanently, you are no good for them
4. Check into a clinic or somewhere to find out why you are the person you are


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

!'m seeing someone and he did propose but I'm currently not married.

You really are nasty, you shouldn't be seeing anyone except a head doctor


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jasec said:


> I'm not here to be judged on whether or not I was a good friend because I know what I am good. I just made a mistake but that doesn't change the way that I feel for her as a friend. I'd take a bullet for her today and she knows that. Of course, she might hate me if she found out about the affair but that issue is separate from our friendship.
> 
> And yes, I've removed myself from the relationship and will not sleep with him anymore. I see how he manipulated both of us and I'm over it.


A mistake is making the wrong turn on a one way street. What you have done was cold and calculating. It took some work to get what you wanted. No mistake here jasec. Well planned truth be told. 

She will hate you. But she will need to deal with her idiot H and that will take a lot of blame and hate off you. 

He manipulated you? For 3 years? Sheesh...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jasec said:


> I admit that I would feel hurt. However, I can't ignore the fact that it was my job to please my husband so if he did step outside of our marriage, it was because of an issue that we had. I'm not trying to shift the blame to my friend but there's no way that she could think that she was an innocent victim over all this time. She would have to understand that there are some things that she's done over the years that have pushed him away. I hate to judge her but she's told me some things that proves that she's not an angel and I don't think she would be surprised to find out he's been stepping out with me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wrong in this but you seem to present that scenario to imply that I'm the only one at fault here.


Let's say that this is correct, it is not, but let's say.

So over the last three years when you guys talked, you told her about how she was driving him away, right?

You told her that she should either have sex with her husband or he was going to cheat. Or of course you told her that is she did not want to have sex with him, for what ever reason, she should just file for divorce and let him go.

Right, you told her all that, because you are such a good friend? And you kept telling her because you wanted her marriage to work.

The thing you have to realize is the nothing she did caused him or you to cheat. He could have divorced her and been with you if he wanted to.

He made, as did you, the decision to cheat, to be immoral, to betray her. That was a decision...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)




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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jasec said:


> I'm not here to be judged on whether or not I was a good friend because I know what I am good. I just made a mistake but that doesn't change the way that I feel for her as a friend. I'd take a bullet for her today and she knows that. Of course, she might hate me if she found out about the affair but that issue is separate from our friendship.
> 
> And yes, I've removed myself from the relationship and will not sleep with him anymore. I see how he manipulated both of us and I'm over it.


You didn't take a bullet. You took her husband.

Rather than being judged, people here are just telling you stuff you don't want to hear, but that you should listen to.

The fact that you have stopped sleeping with him indicates that you knew it was wrong but that you just went ahead and did it anyway. For day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. When do you think it stopped being a mistake and became a deceitful and wrong way of life?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Wow. If you have the delusion that your actions have "helped" their marriage, then I suggest you head home. Second star to the right then straight ahead till morning.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@jasec - I agree with you. I don't know why everybody here is tripping!

If your good friend's husband wasn't having sex with you, he could be having sex with some kind of disgusting person instead!

Plus, what they don't realize is that you've probably kept them together! You're like a couple's therapist, you're giving her advice that I am sure is great, and you're providing him with the support that keeps his self-esteem strong!

I strongly suggest that you sit down with her immediately, and tell her exactly what is going on, and how much you have helped her!

Sure, say sorry, but she needs to realize this was all for the best, and that because of your help, her marriage will be stronger.

Please do tell her, and come back here to let us know how much she thanked you. Because you deserve her thanks.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

jasec said:


> I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.


Wow. I guess this shows how people come from different cultures and planets. I’m just an old fashioned country boy, so I don’t even know how to respond. I never heard a situation like this attempted to be explained in a positive way. I’m with the ones who say get away from both of them.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

jasec said:


> I admit that I would feel hurt. However, I can't ignore the fact that it was my job to please my husband so if he did step outside of our marriage, it was because of an issue that we had. I'm not trying to shift the blame to my friend but there's no way that she could think that she was an innocent victim over all this time. She would have to understand that there are some things that she's done over the years that have pushed him away. I hate to judge her but she's told me some things that proves that she's not an angel and I don't think she would be surprised to find out he's been stepping out with me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wrong in this but you seem to present that scenario to imply that I'm the only one at fault here.


because she the BW acted bad, you use that to falsely justify you acting
bad. therefore it was ok that you F'd her WH, your AP.

you call her your friend, unbelievable.

a friend would of told her that her WH was trying have sex you so she could
take action to protect herself, her family, and her marriage. instead you let her
WH bang you.

would you of told your GF that her WH was cheating on her with another woman?

so it was not ok for her WH to have sex with other AP's. just ok to have sex with you?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

does your fiancé know you’ve been screwing a MM for three years?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Guessing she won't be coming back....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She really doesn't want to hear the truth about what she has done and what kind of person she is. She is desperately trying to pretend somehow deep down she is a good person and was doing them all a favour. Actually, she probably needs our sympathy cause she needs serious help.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

End it, he will never leave his family for you. You deserve better.
Buffer


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## st5555 (Dec 7, 2019)

> *Sleeping with a married man. Need advice*


If you've broken it off as you say, shouldn't the title say "I slept". Your title infers it's still going on. I suspect you are now saying you broke it off in an attempt to lessen some of the criticism you are receiving here.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I was the betrayed wife in a similar scenario that ended in a rather epic D-Day 9 years ago. And my "friend" similarly tried to reason with me about how good a friend she'd been and how much she'd actually been helping my marriage. She was positively brimming with righteous indignation that I wasn't appreciative of her altruism or grateful for the depths of her truly sacrificial love and friendship.

Folks, if you ever wonder what narcissism looks like, this is it. This is it, in action. This level of self-delusion and the complete inability to identify wrong in the self, is truly a thing that some people walk around with every day and then inflict on others - expecting to be thanked for their efforts. Turns out that serial cheaters often also think and behave this way. So, yeah, this is the level of mind****ery that some betrayed spouses are dealing with.

Scary isn't it?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

i didn’t see it asked or maybe I glossed over it. Your posting sounds like payback. Did he spend three years telling you he was going to leave and you just woke up?

i am curious because another guy proposed, but you see other people while sleeping with your so called friend’s husband. I believe the “other people” do not exist and that is your affair partner.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Wow. Just wow. The things people convince themselves to make themselves feel better about their actions... blows my mind.

I don’t think you realize how mentally Ill you see to think this way.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

With friends like you, she doesn't need enemies. With friends like you, their marriage doesn't need enemies.

You are deluding yourself. The sheer degree of delusion smacks of a disordered mind.

She will feel BETRAYED. By BOTH of you. She will never THANK you. You have NEVER been a positive influence in their marriage.

He's a complete and utter POS. I really hope that this poor woman finds out the truth and manages to dump both of you.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

jasec said:


> I'll try to keep this brief. I've been sleeping with a married man for over 3 years now. His wife is actually one of my best friends and we are close. She does not know that I have been sleeping with him. The guilt has been building up in me over time and I want to end the relationship with him. He does not want to end it but it just makes me feel so bad when I see her and talk to her on the phone. She often asks me for relationship advice and confides in me things that are going on in their marriage. I have watched their kids on occasion and I've slept with him several times while the kids were in the house. I have decided to either find a way to tell her without destroying her relationship or either completely removing myself from their lives and while she may think that I abandoned her as a friend, she would never know that I was sleeping with her husband. I've spoken to him about what I decided and he blew up. He doesn't want this to end and I'm afraid he might hurt one of us if I tell her what's been going on. Any guidance would be appreciated.


You are not a friend of this guy‘s wife you are banging, you are an enemy of her marriage. Some “friend“. You are something else, and being a southern gentleman prevents me of referring to you as I want to. Stop this relationship, confess, move on. His wife does not deserve this. You should be ashamed of yourself.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

> Sleeping with a married man. Need advice


Wear some freaky underwear. Dudes love that.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Please......move to another state. If you care about them....get a job and move.


Sent from my LM-V350 using Tapatalk


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## jasec (Apr 29, 2020)

I was hesitant to post again but I'm really surprised that my friendship with her is coming into question. Listen, intimacy and friendship are 2 different things. They can exist independently. Just because I sleep with a man, doesn't mean I hate his wife. It actually has no bearing on how I feel about this family. I don't know why it's so hard to believe but I thought I was helping them out. At least that's what he convinced me of. I spent time out of my own life being a friend to her and I never said to myself that I'm her enemy because I'm sleeping with her husband. I could have taken him from her but I don't want him. This could have been a lot worst but I was the person holding everything together. 

I realized that sleeping with him is not best for their marriage so I've stopped. We met one last time to be together last night and I told him that I'm done. He can tell his wife if he wants but that's not my business anymore. I'm not telling her anything. He's not taking it well but I don't care anymore. I'm not leaving her as a friend but if he keeps pushing me for sex, I'll have no choice but to abandon both of them. At least there's a chance that he could turn things around and salvage his marriage before she finds out. I realized from the response here that if I told her, there's almost a for sure chance that their marriage will be destroyed and she'll make my life a living hell. I thought I could somehow avoid that but it doesn't seem possible. I'd rather deal with that headache down the line IF she finds out. If not, then that's better for everyone. Still, I consider her one of my closest friends and the last 3 years didn't change that.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Yeah, you are too much.

"I am surprised that you question my super deep and amazing friendship to the person I have betrayed and destroyed"

Your moral relativism is astounding. I mean, I guess since we are not all Hitler, we are pretty amazing. I only killed 10 jews, so why do you think I am a bad person?


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@jasec - consider balancing the scales by ****ing your friend for 3 years.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

jasec said:


> 1. I thought I was helping them out. At least that's what he convinced me of.
> 
> 2. I spent time out of my own life being a friend to her
> 
> ...


1. Thanks for helping out.

2. Thanks for taking your time for your closest friend. I don't know what would have happened to her without all of the time and efforts you put in.

3. Thanks for holding everything together for the past three years. She will never know what a good friend you were.

4. I worry what will happen now without you holding everyone together. It's not fair that you did so much time and effort for them and now he is angry and she doesn't even know all the good things you did for her and him.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

jasec said:


> I was hesitant to post again but I'm really surprised that my friendship with her is coming into question. Listen, intimacy and friendship are 2 different things. They can exist independently. Just because I sleep with a man, doesn't mean I hate his wife. It actually has no bearing on how I feel about this family. I don't know why it's so hard to believe but I thought I was helping them out. At least that's what he convinced me of. I spent time out of my own life being a friend to her and I never said to myself that I'm her enemy because I'm sleeping with her husband. I could have taken him from her but I don't want him. This could have been a lot worst but I was the person holding everything together.
> 
> I realized that sleeping with him is not best for their marriage so I've stopped. We met one last time to be together last night and I told him that I'm done. He can tell his wife if he wants but that's not my business anymore. I'm not telling her anything. He's not taking it well but I don't care anymore. I'm not leaving her as a friend but if he keeps pushing me for sex, I'll have no choice but to abandon both of them. At least there's a chance that he could turn things around and salvage his marriage before she finds out. I realized from the response here that if I told her, there's almost a for sure chance that their marriage will be destroyed and she'll make my life a living hell. I thought I could somehow avoid that but it doesn't seem possible. I'd rather deal with that headache down the line IF she finds out. If not, then that's better for everyone. Still, I consider her one of my closest friends and the last 3 years didn't change that.


Do you think cheating is wrong? 

What if your husband cheated on you with your best friend?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I am not a psychiatrist. However, after re-reading your posts, I sincerely hope this is all made up, because if not, I find echos with the following very disturbing:

*Profile of the Sociopath*

Glibness and Superficial Charm


Manipulative and Cunning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used.


Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."


Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.


Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.


Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.


Incapacity for Love


Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Promiscuity is common.


Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.


Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.


Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity


Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
edited from


Profile of the Sociopath



Again, I cannot diagnose you, but I would suggest that if your story is real that you need help. You appear to be behaving in a manipulative, promiscuous, impulsive, callous, and remorseless way.

Stop. Tell the wife. Be alone. Get therapy. Seriously. The more you talk, the worse this seems to get.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

jasec said:


> I was hesitant to post again but I'm really surprised that my friendship with her is coming into question. Listen, intimacy and friendship are 2 different things. They can exist independently. Just because I sleep with a man, doesn't mean I hate his wife. It actually has no bearing on how I feel about this family. I don't know why it's so hard to believe but I thought I was helping them out. At least that's what he convinced me of. I spent time out of my own life being a friend to her and I never said to myself that I'm her enemy because I'm sleeping with her husband. I could have taken him from her but I don't want him. This could have been a lot worst but I was the person holding everything together.
> 
> I realized that sleeping with him is not best for their marriage so I've stopped. We met one last time to be together last night and I told him that I'm done. He can tell his wife if he wants but that's not my business anymore. I'm not telling her anything. He's not taking it well but I don't care anymore. I'm not leaving her as a friend but if he keeps pushing me for sex, I'll have no choice but to abandon both of them. At least there's a chance that he could turn things around and salvage his marriage before she finds out. I realized from the response here that if I told her, there's almost a for sure chance that their marriage will be destroyed and she'll make my life a living hell. I thought I could somehow avoid that but it doesn't seem possible. I'd rather deal with that headache down the line IF she finds out. If not, then that's better for everyone. Still, I consider her one of my closest friends and the last 3 years didn't change that.


If you really believe this crap you’re saying about being a good friend to her and being the hero of their marriage you need counseling. People do not normally compartmentalize their lives in this manner. you are doing it because you can’t face your own actions because they are hideous.

And you’re inconsistent...you say you’re a good friend but you won’t tell her because you now realize she’ll make your life a living hell. Well, she wouldn’t do that if you were really a hero of her marriage. She’d thank you for all you’ve done. But you know she won’t because what you’ve done is one of the worst things you could do to her. 

And you just had to meet him one last time huh? Right. You are a pieceof work. not only are you a back stabbing friend with no morals, you’re also a coward who won’t even admit what you've done to her. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

Only someone with mental health issues would actually think that ****ing her friend’s husband makes her a hero. Get some help, please. Not only for your own sake but for the rest of your “friends” that you may screw over in the future. And by all means, please tell that poor man you can’t marry him. You have no business getting married until you figure this stuff out which can only happen with some deep therapy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jasec said:


> I was hesitant to post again but I'm really surprised that my friendship with her is coming into question. Listen, intimacy and friendship are 2 different things. They can exist independently. Just because I sleep with a man, doesn't mean I hate his wife. It actually has no bearing on how I feel about this family. I don't know why it's so hard to believe but I thought I was helping them out. At least that's what he convinced me of. I spent time out of my own life being a friend to her and I never said to myself that I'm her enemy because I'm sleeping with her husband. I could have taken him from her but I don't want him. This could have been a lot worst but I was the person holding everything together.


It's hard to believe because it's ********. Look you don't have to hate someone to kill them, unsurprisingly no one in their right mind would make that argument after the deed was done. You know who makes that argument, crazy men who kill their wives and say they loved them. Seriously lady who cares if you think you are a friend to her or not, I am sure when she finds out (and she will) friend will not be the word she uses.

You are never going to be a healthy honorable human being unless you are honest. You are taking part in something that is greatly harming her emotional spiritual and financial well being. You are an accomplice in destroying her life. YOU ARE NO FRIEND TO HER. There will probably be no greater personal hurt in her life and YOU did that, YES YOU, and she will find out one day make no mistake they always do.

A friend doesn't intentionally do wrong to someone over and over. Only a person who is really lost would try to argue otherwise.

No one would call you or want a "friend" like you. Get help because whether you know it or not you are also destroying your life and we all know that is what you really care about anyway.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

How old are you? I mean this seriously, not sarcastically.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

We are done........except for one last time..... lol


okay, you win I am out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jasec,

I also am curious about your age.

I think you should see a psychiatrist. The way you 'talk' sounds like you have no emotional connection to anything. I agree with *Marduk *in that you sound like you might suffer from sociopathy. Your writing seems to lack normal human emotions such as empathy for others... well it pretty much matches the list he posted. I'm not diagnosing you here as I am not qualified and it's impossible to diagnose over the internet even for a psychiatrist.

Or you might be so naïve and easily manipulate by a man like this guy that you are an easy victim of manipulation by anyone who shows you attention.



Marduk said:


> I am not a psychiatrist. However, after re-reading your posts, I sincerely hope this is all made up, because if not, I find echos with the following very disturbing:
> 
> *Profile of the Sociopath*
> 
> ...


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

jasec said:


> I'll try to keep this brief. I've been sleeping with a married man for over 3 years now. His wife is actually one of my best friends and we are close. She does not know that I have been sleeping with him. The guilt has been building up in me over time and I want to end the relationship with him. He does not want to end it but it just makes me feel so bad when I see her and talk to her on the phone. She often asks me for relationship advice and confides in me things that are going on in their marriage. I have watched their kids on occasion and I've slept with him several times while the kids were in the house. I have decided to either find a way to tell her without destroying her relationship or either completely removing myself from their lives and while she may think that I abandoned her as a friend, she would never know that I was sleeping with her husband. I've spoken to him about what I decided and he blew up. He doesn't want this to end and I'm afraid he might hurt one of us if I tell her what's been going on. Any guidance would be appreciated.





jasec said:


> I'll try to keep this brief. I've been sleeping with a married man for over 3 years now. His wife is actually one of my best friends and we are close. She does not know that I have been sleeping with him. The guilt has been building up in me over time and I want to end the relationship with him. He does not want to end it but it just makes me feel so bad when I see her and talk to her on the phone. She often asks me for relationship advice and confides in me things that are going on in their marriage. I have watched their kids on occasion and I've slept with him several times while the kids were in the house. I have decided to either find a way to tell her without destroying her relationship or either completely removing myself from their lives and while she may think that I abandoned her as a friend, she would never know that I was sleeping with her husband. I've spoken to him about what I decided and he blew up. He doesn't want this to end and I'm afraid he might hurt one of us if I tell her what's been going on. Any guidance would be appreciated.
> 
> Definition of INTEGRITY: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
> 
> Seems to me like you have not only betrayed your friend but you are also betraying yourself. No matter if you stay or leave this ungodly relationship, bottom line is that once it comes out....and it will, it will forever change you and your relationship with everyone else involved. I’m not sure what kind of sweet nothings this man is telling you....but rest assured it’s for his benefit and not yours. He has zero integrity or respect for his wife, children and you. You have already lost your friend, it just hasn’t become your reality yet. Be honest and forthright....no matter the consequences. I also can’t help but think that he’s using threats because on some level, because he knows he will more than likely lose everything


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend. It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


I’m sorry but there is absolutely no respect, no way are you a friend!
You should tell her what you have both done and remove yourself from her life. You and the hb deserve each other!!


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Diamond21 said:


> I’m sorry but there is absolutely no respect, no way are you a friend!
> You should tell her what you have both done and remove yourself from her life. You and the hb deserve each other!!


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Diamond21 said:


> I’m sorry but there is absolutely no respect, no way are you a friend!
> You should tell her what you have both done and remove yourself from her life. You and the hb deserve each other!!


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

I agree with Diamond21. Another thing to consider is this: you seem hard bent on defending your position and your actions that it’s better for a best friend to sleep with a friend’s husband instead of a prostitute. You are asking for advice....people are giving it to you. So it’s your choice as to what you do with that. You seem stuck and confused yourself in letting him go. Boundaries have been crossed. When that happens it gets messy. I hope for your sake that you learn from this and gain a sense of self-respect and honour so you can in turn respect and honour others. Until then....you are keeping yourself caught in a web of lies and deceit.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Wow!
You really thought you were helping your friend's marriage? Now you think your friend's husband brainwashed you?

It could be. He wants his marriage intact while having his side piece as well. I believe there are guys out there who can convince naive and weak women around them.

You need to open your eyes. There's no helping a friend's marriage by sleeping with her husband. The answers you get here are an example of a "universal knowledge" of how a true friendship works. It seems you don't know what loyalty, boundaries, and respect are.

I bet you are not going to stop sleeping with your friend's husband, and if you do you'll repeat the same behavior with other men because you think this is totally normal.

I feel sorry for your future husband.... And be careful because karma is a bi***.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jasec said:


> I'm seeing someone and he did propose but I'm currently not married.


so your are cheating on your SO as well.

I should have read further on. Sorry


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jasec said:


> I'm not here to be judged on whether or not I was a good friend because I know what I am good. I just made a mistake but that doesn't change the way that I feel for her as a friend. I'd take a bullet for her today and she knows that. Of course, she might hate me if she found out about the affair but that issue is separate from our friendship.
> 
> And yes, I've removed myself from the relationship and will not sleep with him anymore. I see how he manipulated both of us and I'm over it.


BS. You stopped being a friend when you started ****ing her husband. You can sugar coat it all you want. In reality it makes you a POS that can’t be trusted.


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## Angelwanderer (Mar 20, 2018)

Well that's a nice little mess you've found yourself in. Even if you can leave the area permanently, the mess will linger. Questions will be asked. A bomb will go off. I guess if you're not there to see it, the explosion won't affect you too much.

Disconnecting completely is about the only way to do it right. The other alternative would be for all of you to come to an _agreement_. On vary rare occasions, they can work. Most of the time they don't. Good luck.

-A


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@jasec you knew you were doing the wrong thing. Else why post in Coping With Infidelity?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

quick, someone get her off of here. She's going to trigger BSs all over the place!


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

jasec said:


> I was hesitant to post again but I'm really surprised that my friendship with her is coming into question. Listen, intimacy and friendship are 2 different things. They can exist independently. Just because I sleep with a man, doesn't mean I hate his wife. It actually has no bearing on how I feel about this family. I don't know why it's so hard to believe but I thought I was helping them out. At least that's what he convinced me of. I spent time out of my own life being a friend to her and I never said to myself that I'm her enemy because I'm sleeping with her husband. I could have taken him from her but I don't want him. This could have been a lot worst but I was the person holding everything together.
> 
> I realized that sleeping with him is not best for their marriage so I've stopped. We met one last time to be together last night and I told him that I'm done. He can tell his wife if he wants but that's not my business anymore. I'm not telling her anything. He's not taking it well but I don't care anymore. I'm not leaving her as a friend but if he keeps pushing me for sex, I'll have no choice but to abandon both of them. At least there's a chance that he could turn things around and salvage his marriage before she finds out. I realized from the response here that if I told her, there's almost a for sure chance that their marriage will be destroyed and she'll make my life a living hell. I thought I could somehow avoid that but it doesn't seem possible. I'd rather deal with that headache down the line IF she finds out. If not, then that's better for everyone. Still, I consider her one of my closest friends and the last 3 years didn't change that.


You are an absolute disgrace!!!
Sleeping with your friends hb and your making out that your SAVING the marriage 🤬
You need to walk away, or run. 
You are deluded and I think you need some sort of counselling, trying to make out your doing a good thing by sleeping with him to save your friends marriage!!
This has got to be some kind of wind up?? Surely???
People like you make me sick!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jasec said:


> can tell his wife if he wants but that's not my business anymore. I'm not telling her anything. He's not taking it well but I don't care anymore. I'm not leaving her as a friend but if he keeps pushing me for sex, I'll have no choice but to abandon both of them. At least there's a chance that he could turn things around and salvage his marriage before she finds out. I realized from the response here that if I told her, there's almost a for sure chance that their marriage will be destroyed and she'll make my life a living hell. I thought I could somehow avoid that but it doesn't seem possible. I'd rather deal with that headache down the line IF she finds out. If not, then that's better for everyone. Still, I consider her one of my closest friends and the last 3 years didn't change that.


You are either making all this **** up or you are one twisted person. Imagine if you were married and your so called great friend was doing what you are doing, would you be happy that she 'sorted' your marriage and lied to your face while she ****ed your husband? Karma is a great thing, maybe one day what goes around will come around, I hope it does cause it sounds like you still don't have a clue of the damage you have done.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

m.t.t said:


> My post was removed, I think because it wasn't helpful? I said I feel like this feels like a fake post. I don't want to be banned... I thought I would add to what I said. I am concerned that the OP is winding up many people that have been cheated on. A lot of us have trauma surrounding this.
> 
> I feel that someone that was cheating and felt fully conflicted wouldn't be adding the calm extra details that the OP had. I'm not going to be rude and attack the OP but if this post is real I feel that you are an emotional danger to your friend. I would not confess. Being betrayed by both your husband and best friend would be very very damaging. I think at best you may have a personality disorder perhaps NPS. People that do have this will very often not go for help as they don't or can't understand that they have done anything wrong. Please talk this over with a therapist. Even if this is a fake post, I still stand by my concern for you having a personality disorder and needing help. No one that has a healthy mind goes out of their way to cause distress to others.


I totally agree with you, my husband and best friend were sexting and it has nearly destroyed me. 
I find this post very upsetting indeed!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jasec said:


> realized from the response here that if I told her, there's almost a for sure chance that their marriage will be destroyed and she'll make my life a living hell. I thought I could somehow avoid that but it doesn't seem possible. I'd rather deal with that headache down the line IF she finds out. If not, then that's better for everyone. Still, I consider her one of my closest friends and the last 3 years didn't change that.


If what you're saying is really true, then you're the epitome of a selfish, self serving, self entitled, self absorbed, self centered, self indulgent *liar*. You're like the ultimate walking cliche.

I found your skewed theory of friendship and intimacy quite comical because you managed to bend the meanings of both to suit your own selfish situation - which is "friends with the wife," and "banging the husband." It must be so exhausting having to wear two faces all the time.and having to switch back and forth between them, depending on who you're servicing at that given time. I guess that's a talent you can list on your life resume, right?

I think I'm just going to sit back and eat my popcorn and watch the show...


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Sorry to say but you seem very very very naïve. Almost like you live in your own world and justify everything as looking out for her. You are soo wrong and once she finds out she will seek revenge on you and all who know you or worst will be devastated beyond belief. You will be dead to her and she will wish you dead. Not sure what fantasy world you are living in but be prepared for the fallout when it comes. The husband is a snake and will try to use it against you. I


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So @jasec, what you said in your last post is that YOU view this woman as a very close friend.

What everyone HERE is saying that she WOULD NOT view you as a friend, and would in fact feel EXTREMELY betrayed by your actions. This is NOT that people here are questioning that YOU THINK you are being a friend.
They are letting you know that you are in fact NOT a friend to her (regardless of how YOU view this).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If this is real, it’s an impressive case of how a villain twists their own mind in a way that they don’t see the devil when they look in the mirror.

OP, what you are doing is in my opinion, as bad as it gets.

You aren’t just betraying this lady in the absolute worst way possible, you are being a fake in such a way that she will likely never ever truly trust another person again in any way. What you have done will traumatize this poor lady in a way that will change her forever.

I advise writing your “friend” a letter and giving it to her mother or another real friend, so they can hopefully be there with the poor lady as her whole life is taken from her in a few moments. She will need someone.

this is very sad.


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## Marriage Sharing (May 11, 2020)

jasec said:


> I'll try to keep this brief. I've been sleeping with a married man for over 3 years now. His wife is actually one of my best friends and we are close. She does not know that I have been sleeping with him. The guilt has been building up in me over time and I want to end the relationship with him. He does not want to end it but it just makes me feel so bad when I see her and talk to her on the phone. She often asks me for relationship advice and confides in me things that are going on in their marriage. I have watched their kids on occasion and I've slept with him several times while the kids were in the house. I have decided to either find a way to tell her without destroying her relationship or either completely removing myself from their lives and while she may think that I abandoned her as a friend, she would never know that I was sleeping with her husband. I've spoken to him about what I decided and he blew up. He doesn't want this to end and I'm afraid he might hurt one of us if I tell her what's been going on. Any guidance would be appreciated.


That's a tough situation. Sorry you are going through that, and even more sorry you are in that situation.

Knowing the details would help give accurate advice, but I understand the reason for the lack of details. 

You ever been bleeding and put a bandaid on the cut before stopping the bleeding? If you have, or if you can picture that scenario it doesn't make much sense right? Why? Because you have the address the bleeding. And, it would be wise to know what caused the cut in the first place.

You are in a situation that you shouldn't be in. What caused you to be in that situation? And what is the real reason you don't want to get out of the situation? 

If its fear. Then why not weigh out the fears? Would you rather have your best friend find out herself by catching you two? Or would you rather her kids catch you? How about if the word got out in public before you told her? 

The fear of telling her and ending it with him greater than the previous questions? 

He has a lot to lose too. His fear of his wife finding out is causing him to force you to be fearful of revealing the situation. 

He started being your "high"? Your thrill? Your joy? The best way to end it is gradually pulling away and building more and more willpower.

Hope that helps. God bless


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

jasec said:


> I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.


You are not a friend to her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since you are thinking you are her friend - tell her as a friend who her husband really is and what he has been doing to her.

she deserves to know! And you not telling her is a really wimpy way of slithering away without Actually “helping her!”


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jasec said:


> *I've always been a good friend to her. I know what I was doing with him was wrong but *that was a separate issue from our friendship. I wouldn't have treated her any different even if I wasn't sleeping with him. I'm not saying I'm a victim but I do feel that I've felt that my role in this situation has been keeping them together. It's tough to explain but I was giving him what he needed on the side so that he could be a better husband and father to her if that makes any sense.





jasec said:


> I'm neither a villain or a tramp. *I always treated her with respect and I treated her as a good friend.* It was never my intention to destroy her life or marriage. I feel guilty because I now see that I'm in the middle of their marital issues and I want to remove myself. I am sorry and I do feel guilty but to think that I was a villain to her would be wrong. I know that she would be hurt if I decide to tell her but I feel that one day in the future, she would appreciate this entire situation. At least she would know that he was sleeping with me and not some other prostitute in the streets. She wouldn't see it now but I've been watching over her and any other woman in the streets wouldn't care enough about her to tell her the truth or completely walk away and end it the same way that I will. I actually care about their relationship and I don't want them to end it because of me.


You are not a friends bootlace, you're ****ing her husband! Are you kidding me? Wtf?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jasec said:


> I admit that I would feel hurt. However, *I can't ignore the fact that it was my job to please my husband so if he did step outside of our marriage, it was because of an issue that we had*. I'm not trying to shift the blame to my friend but there's no way that she could think that she was an innocent victim over all this time. *She would have to understand that there are some things that she's done over the years that have pushed him away*. I hate to judge her but she's told me some things that proves that she's not an angel and I don't think she would be surprised to find out he's been stepping out with me. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm wrong in this but you seem to present that scenario to imply that I'm the only one at fault here.


NOTHING his wife did or didn't do made him cheat. He CHOSE to cheat because he is a LYING ARSEHOLE. If you're not happy in your marriage, get happy or get out, but you don't cheat. And fyi - I'm sure that he did plenty to push her away too. It goes both ways.

I wouldn't put a lot of stock in anything he says. You know he's a lying scumbag because he's a cheater.



Beach123 said:


> does your fiancé know you’ve been screwing a MM for three years?


My money's on no.



jasec said:


> I was hesitant to post again but I'm really surprised that my friendship with her is coming into question. Listen, intimacy and friendship are 2 different things. They can exist independently. *Just because I sleep with a man, doesn't mean I hate his wife. It actually has no bearing on how I feel about this family. I don't know why it's so hard to believe but I thought I was helping them out.* At least that's what he convinced me of. I spent time out of my own life being a friend to her and I never said to myself that I'm her enemy because I'm sleeping with her husband. I could have taken him from her but I don't want him. This could have been a lot worst but *I was the person holding everything together*.
> 
> I realized that sleeping with him is not best for their marriage so I've stopped. We met one last time to be together last night and I told him that I'm done. He can tell his wife if he wants but that's not my business anymore. I'm not telling her anything. He's not taking it well but I don't care anymore. I'm not leaving her as a friend but if he keeps pushing me for sex, I'll have no choice but to abandon both of them. At least there's a chance that he could turn things around and salvage his marriage before she finds out. I realized from the response here that if I told her, there's almost a for sure chance that *their marriage will be destroyed and she'll make my life a living hell*. I thought I could somehow avoid that but it doesn't seem possible. I'd rather deal with that headache down the line IF she finds out. If not, then that's better for everyone. Still, I consider her one of my closest friends and the last 3 years didn't change that.


What the **** did I just read?

I. CAN'T. EVEN.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@jasec,

I'm closing this thread. If you want it reopened, just let one of the moderators know.


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