# Venting instead of crushing skull of husband



## kipper (Jan 12, 2011)

My husband. Why did I not ABSORB all the signs there that were clear to me at the beginning. I am stupid. 
I’m trying to get him to finish the house which we (I mean I – I was the only one who had a downpayment) bought when I had a job last year that needed a reno. I took him at his word that he would do the reno, that’s why we bought the house. But he simply will not do it, even though we have to sell it soon as I am running out of my savings after getting laid off last year. 

so that sucks, but what bugs me is how he communicates. He is Mr. chatty cathy with the neighbours or people at work, but is sullen, dismissive and unengaged at home, and will not try to be interested in the things I am. I can't engage him in finishing the house, he just isn't interested. In this and other ways he is irresponsible financially which irks the hell out of me as I am thoughtful and careful about finances and make my money go far, whereas he is a squanderer of epic proportions, with nothing to show for his squandering. When I met him he had no money, lived in a rented basement apartment and he certainly hasn’t the temperament to build assets. So I can't complain though it bugs me.

He will actually run away to avoid talking about something, not sure he knows he does this. I have tried to initiate more conversations with his receding backside thanyou can imagine. He denies he does this, but he really does.

You can’t confront him, he will twist a comment around as if he’s answering a different question than I asked and I question my own sanity. I have to wait until we’re in a car or he’s in bed so I can discuss a matter. I actually think I am cruel about this, but it is the only way to talk to the man. Then it takes superhuman strength to keep it on topic and to a conclusion. I have read and learned that he utilizes passive aggressive strategies to avoid things he wants to avoid. i.e. saying he’ll do something, then not doing it, then getting mad when you call him on it, twisting it so that it is me who is the pain by pressing him. 

I guess I see the answer. List the house and take the financial hit. Then lose the anchor. This is the third time I’ve hooked up with a deadbeat and wanted to marry them. Why do I do this to myself????

I am probably being too demanding, but our values are so different it seems. He epitomizes the saying “a fool and his money are soon parted”. He squanders it and has no savings even though our income was at a parity and I bought everything – furniture, appliances, everything our house needed. Even holidays, I have always paid for our holidays. I am stupid. Why did I marry this person? Thank goodness no children.

Thanks for reading this, ifyou could even get this far in my rant.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I smiled at the title to your thread, but my smile dissipated quickly as I read. Honestly, I would call a contractor. I'd hire out to have the work done. There is no reason for you to take the financial hit on this house just b/c your husband is acting this way. He's going to get angry, but he wouldn't be any angrier than I would be that he reneged on his part of the bargain. You've tried talking to him, to no avail. He's just not getting it, for whatever reason. I'm sure there are many reasons he's acting this way, and none of them good ones. 
Money issues can be the death knell for a marriage. It's a disaster if the two don't share the same principles regarding finances. 
What do you WANT to do?


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## kipper (Jan 12, 2011)

Major, thanks for replying. I confronted him as he lay in bed this evening, with the blanket over his head so as not to look me in the eye about how he was going to do the work. I'll see how far he gets by this weekend and then hire the contractor. 

You know, if he was straightforward and just said "I am too tired", instead of "yes I'll do it", then action can be taken that suits both. But to lie, or whatever it is he's doing just makes damage to both of us. 

Maybe I'll draw up a contract that says that in the event of a division of assets, I get to claim back the money I had to put in for him reneging on his side of the deal (and my deposit money). Now that's thinking. Thanks and good night!

p.s LOVE the May Angelou quote ...


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

I had to laugh when i read the title too.... men and diy houses are not a good mix it is for this very reason thta i would never go into it with my husband or any man that does not share the same passion and outlook on the final product that I did. 

2 options sprung to my mind on how to get your house completed

1) Make him want to finish it by offering a reward at the completion of it, or even after a full weekend spent on it. Bit of bribary never hurts.

2) Get a contractor.

#1 you may have to use your imagination a little, what does your husband love to do that he doesnt normaly get the chance or time to do? ie boys weekend, a sport, weekend away in a bed with you.... just to name a few, this maybe could help motivate him into doing some work on it and you wont have to pay a contractor to do it.

#2 the work is done and comleted by a contractor in a matter of weeks, sell the house and you get what you deserve as you have put most of the work into it...


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