# Can't Seem to make wife happy



## MarriedMan09

I do not know how long or short to make this post. To be honest I am confused about what is really happening. it seems so simple and complex at the same time...

My wife and I have been married for almost five years. We have had our tough times in those five years but nothing like what I feel is coming or what our current situation could lead to.

In short, it seems to me that I can never make her happy. No matter what I do, it is only a temporary fix. 

For example, we agreed to wait 2 years before we started to have children. Three months after we were married she starteed pushing for a baby. One year later she was screaming at me that I didnt really love her and should have married her if I didnt want children.

So, I gave in (because I did want kinds eventually) and we had our first son.

Did that make her happy? No, she then wanted to stay at home with our son. So I figured out a way.

Did that make her happy? No, she then wanted a better house, so she went back to work and a year later we got a better house.

Did that make her happy? No, she wanted another child. So we had another child

Did that maker her happy? No, she wanted to stay at home with both children. SO once again I figured out how to make it happen 

Did that make her happy? no, no she just attacks me all the time now.

"I'm so stressed from the kids all day and you don't care"

"You never pay me attention anymore"

"Im too fat"

"talking to you is like blowing smoke through your ears, you dont listen"

I can never do anything right. If she sends me to the grocery store and I get 1 out of 100 items wrong, she says "I just need to do it myself next time since you can't get it right"

She'll get on to me if I leave me sock on the floor even though she lets her clean clothes pile up on the floor until I cant take it anymore and put them up for her.(which gets me in trouble because I obviously think she is lazy now)

When I try to tell her how I feel, she gets super defensive and then the conversation focuses on me and my problems. 

She cleans the house and expects me to notice and tell her how wonderful the house is (albeit while she is stressing me out) but when I clean the house and point it out to her she says"whats the big deal? I do it every day."

She hates my family, and gets irritated at hers all the time. 


I could go on and on but I am starting to feel trapped and am in a constant state of stress. I don't want to go home, look forward to going to work and when I do go home, I just want to go be by myself.

I seriously do not know what to do anymore...


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## harrybrown

Does your work have any free counseling services?

This is over my head.

You will need to get one of the ladies point of view.


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## naiveonedave

she has no respect for you. read mmslp or nmmng. You need to call her bs out and not accept her poor treatment, don't be a doormat. 

Good luck.


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## EuphoricConfessions

It sounds to me that your wife is not happy with herself and nothing you do will ever be enough. 

My advice would be to stop trying to make her happy. Instead make yourself happy and see if that causes a ripple effect and maybe your wife will come around.

If there is no ripple effect, at least your not miserable.


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## ScarletBegonias

She doesn't like herself at all and she's taking it out on you. She also has no clue what she wants and likely has no idea who she wants to be so that could be a reason for the constant changes.That could also be making her hate the world,herself,and you.


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## jerry123

Yes, read married mans sex guide. Google it. 

The more you try and make her happy the more she is unhappy. So stop!!

Her happiness is not controlled by you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias

yup. you can't create happiness for someone else.Everyone has needs in a relationship.You do your best to communicate those needs in order to get them met by your partner. But ultimately,you still have to be happy on your own in order for your partner to have a snowball's chance in hell of ever successfully meeting those needs. 
When you're not happy with yourself,when you don't love yourself,nothing your partner does will EVER be enough. She has to recognize she doesn't like herself or she will continue blaming you for her unhappiness as though you're failing to meet her needs. In reality, you probably ARE meeting her needs but she can't recognize it bc her self loathing is getting in the way.


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## John Lee

Your thread title is accurate. You can't make her happy. You can't be solely responsible for her happiness.


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## jerry123

My wife was sort of like that. I remember one time she yelled at me in front of kids when I forgot to get mustard at store. I mean seriously...I knew if I did not confront her there and then it would never end. Plus my wife used to use sex or no sex as a punishment. I let it happen in the past because I lost my Alpha...

Fast forward 2 years and a lot of reading has turned my life around. She still tries to pull crap on me (all women do) but its how you handle it. 


I do have to mention, is there any possibility she is having an affair? Time away from an affair partner or no contact can make someone act that way. Not saying she is but you have to rule that out because no matter what you do from here on out, a third person in a marriage will eventually kill the marriage.


Oh, and stop having kids with her. If you eventually find this marriage does not work you will be on the hook for those kids till they are 18. More kids in a marriage only makes it more stressful. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene

marriedman;

i was once in your shoes not so long ago. the example of going to the store and getting 1 out of 100 things wrong really hit me because that's EXACTLY where i was. I got Swansons' frozen peas all-right, but the sauce was wrong (or at least she decided it was) and we had a shouting match over the peas.

If i had had even a little bit of $ after supporting her i would have stayed in a motel 2-3 nights a week for sanity, but after supporting her i had nothing left over. I'm not a particularly strong man. Thank God the problem eventually solved itself although it took 1.1/2 years. After catching her cheating twice i said i was done and she moved out.

I know that doesn't help much. wish you luck. I hope at the core your lady is a better one than mine was, then maybe there's some hope and she can change.


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## jerry123

Does these lyrics describe you:


ROAR


I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PinkSalmon13

Loaded the dishwasher and was ready to close it up to start the cycle....but wait! One dish must have been in the wrong place because, with a sigh, she had to step over and make an adjustment before I closed the dishwasher door. There was NOTHING wrong with the way everything was loaded. This happens way too often. "Was there something wrong?" No response.


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## naiveonedave

PS - that is a bs test. You need to, without showing emotion, politely tell her she is full of it.


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## wise

It is simple: she has no respect for you as a man.

People are easy to train. For the most part, we all have been trained how to function since day 1. 

You have trained your wife to act like this. Anytime she asked you for something.. you gave it to her. She wanted kids.. get kids. She wanted a house.. got a house. She wanted to stay home.. stayed home. She wants everything on that grocery list.. you BETTER GET EVERYTHING on that grocery list. This is how she is programmed and you spoiled her to death. Now the future consequences are starting to reveal themselves.

Ever heard of the bathtub story? Guy A's girlfriend gets sick so he asks guy B what to do. Guy B tells him 'that when he gets home from work, make her a bath, she'll love it.' So, guy A goes home and makes her a bath to take and she loves it. Due to her positive response to this, guy A makes her a bath every time she get's sick. Years later, girlfriend gets sick and guy A forgets to make her a bath, so she flips out. For the rest of their lives, to avoid her getting mad, guy A (now turned beta) will make girlfriend a bath when she is sick. 

Until you stand up for yourself and put your foot down.. this mess will continue. It will only get worse. She will get meaner and you will become more depressed. Don't be guy A.


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## Theseus

It sounds to me like she is wildly insecure and taking it out on you.

Why? Because you let her, as several people have pointed out. There is another reason though. Taking out her frustrations on you makes her feel more important. It's her dysfunctional way of dealing with her own insecurities. *I recommend marriage counseling, like yesterday*.

How does she treat your children?


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## Acorn

I agree with those saying you have trained her to be this way.

Your thread is about how she isn't happy, but the reality of it is that YOU aren't happy, and that's something you can control without her even entering the equation. You just need to learn how. The many books recommended on this site as well as individual counseling might work wonders for you so you can understand why you shouldn't feel stuck or trapped in this situation.


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## Prodigal

Quit trying to make her happy. What you have done so far is obviously not working.

I'm a woman, and I honestly do not agree or like the way your wife treats you and behaves.

Step up to the plate and quit trying to please her. Frankly, you sound way too nice; like a doormat. 

Actually, you are not responsible for making her happy. You have tried. It has failed.

Time to set boundaries. You can remain a victim in a miserable marriage or you can become a man who stands up for himself and refuses to accept her crap.

She will be unhappy no matter what you do. Detach. NOW. And tell her to get into IC. It sounds like she REALLY needs it. You deserve better than this sh!t.


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## Lousyhusband

I'm wondering if we're married to the same woman. I can't make her happy. She doesn't want a husband. She wants a chef, a maid, a Cheaufer, and a penis that reads her mind. In the beginning, I wasn't the independent type so a woman who cooked and clean was a plus. I began helping out and now its my duties to cook, wash dishes, wash clothes, fold clothes, drop kids off at school in the morning, work 10-12 hours and give the rest of the day dedicated to her. She can't keep a job. If somebody make her upset, she just quits. Its always drama whether at work, between her, her mother and grandmother. They are all alike! Or someone always disrespected them! They are verbally abusive to their husbands. I catch heat about messes in the house but most of them are from her. Kids hate dealing with her but when she's mad at me, she try being extra nice to them to turn them against me. Because I cant talk 3 times per day at work, in 10-15 minute increments, She act like I dont make time for her. Im at work and im working. What did people do at work before cellphones. She doesn't like my family. But what she doesn't like is the same thing her family is guilty of. And my mother has like no known enemies in the world and she despise her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre*

It's really not your job to 'make' your wife happy. Sounds like her unhappiness stems from something else, and she needs counseling to figure it all out. In the meantime, the more you become a pretzel, bending over backwards for her, she loses respect for you. That is common marriage counseling advice by the way, of what I've read here, and heard from people who have gone through it...counseling is usually wife-friendly, and leaves the husband on the defense. Hope things get better, but if not...you might have to make a harder decision. ((hugs and prayers))


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I'm a data geek, so I did a experiment where I did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry for a year as my wife said she was too TIRED for sex. We had sex 5.5 times in a year. Part B of experiment was I did nothing around the house. 1 week of nothing and she asked "Why are you not cleaning the house?" I looked at her and asked "WHY aren't we having sex?" She asked "What's that got to do with anything?" I explained that she said she needed break from housework, I gave it to her. She said "You did all that JUST for sex?" I explained it is more than just sex, it is a bonding between us. She has other issues & past baggage that I started calling her on.

Read no more mr nice guy, married man sex primer, lift weights & get cardio till your ready to puke, then start calling her on the BullCrap! At least if she doesn't straighten up, your ready to meet someone new. I had 2 different counselors give me that advice, along with a bunch of people on TAM.


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## MattMatt

Speak with her family. Ask them if she was always like this?

Get her into therapy.

Her attitude is damaging you, the children and her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pineapple

I agree she has issues, but why is it women never get a thank you for things like cleaning, laundry, cooking meals, etc. But, a male gets all bent out of shape if they don't get a thank you. They feel like they aren't appreciated. Guess what? Females feel unappreciated, too. 

There is more to this story.


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## pineapple

PinkSalmon13 said:


> Loaded the dishwasher and was ready to close it up to start the cycle....but wait! One dish must have been in the wrong place because, with a sigh, she had to step over and make an adjustment before I closed the dishwasher door. There was NOTHING wrong with the way everything was loaded. This happens way too often. "Was there something wrong?" No response.


There is a really simple solution to this. Don't let her.


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