# Divorce over porn?



## SadAdam (May 14, 2020)

My wife found downloaded porn on my phone yesterday, I did watch it, but didn't realize it got downloaded. She was deeply hurt, I was embarrassed when she told me.

She went to work and I started to look in google for some advice (which landed me here), I found a lot of information that made me reflect on myself and think on how to fix this.

While she was at work she posted many whatsapp status saying things like "I'll be better, I'll start from the beginning", "I chose the wrong person". I knew things were going to be hard, but as I looked through our pictures together, I really wanted to go there, when we were that happy.

So, she came back from work, not a word, distant, I tried to do some small talk, and nothing. At night we had the talk, she asked me why I downloaded that and I told her the truth, first about the download part, and then I explained that it meant nothing as I watched so I can masturbate to relief stress and that is not even on a weekly basis. She began to yell that I'm a cheater and a traitor among other things.

Then we went to sleep, I stayed on the couch (she took my phone), and late at night she went to bathroom, she asked me to kill a spider, I did, went back to the couch and she slammed the door, I told her to be careful, then she came back and started to throw things at me, she grabbed a shoe and started to hit me with it, hard, I didn't responded, I just asked her to stop, eventually she did, and then she started talking about divorce and that when we get it we should tell a different story because she is emabarrassed of me, that I'm the worst person that she knows and thst she thanked God that we lost our baby. She then slammed the door and I was left crying and emotionallly hurt.

Today in the morning I looked at her when she came out of the bedrooom, she rolled her eyes and yelled that I shouldn't look at her, that for her we are not married anymore and as I was writing this she said that I can't stop looking at porn and left.

Then, I'm still writing, confused, scared, I tried to book a session with a psychologist, she comes back and continues to call me trash, a piece of ..., worse than a homeless, perv and so on. Then she said, you commitef adultery, I said no I didn't, she replied well, I'm up front with you, I downloaded Tinder during the night, started to talk with someone I like, we're going out on Sunday, if you can watch used woman then I can go out, I want a boyfriend.

I told her that it was wrong, that what she is going to do is actual adultery, and she said that what I did was cheating and that she doesn't care anymore. I told her about the couples counseling, and she said that I should go because I'm sick.

She now says that she's taking a shower because she has to go on some errands.

As I watched our pictures yesterday, I kept believing about our love. Today our marriage turns five months, that's also what I keep thinking, what's going to happen in the future? Can I fix this? How? Am I the only one who wants to fix this?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Gulp...

A bunch of people are going to tell you that you're wrong.
A bunch of people are going to tell you that your wife is wrong.

The only question that really matters is if you two can come to a mutual agreement on how to live together (after she cools off a bit).

Are you willing to never look at porn again in your marriage? This seems to be a hard limit for your wife, who considers it both adultery and an act worthy of a revenge affair . Don't say yes if you're just going to go underground and risk getting caught again. This sounds like a non-negotiable for your wife.

I wouldn't say yes to such an arrangement, but it is your marriage to run.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to give more information if you want help. 
What age are you and your wife and is she deeply religious?
How often do you have sex in your relationship?
I don’t understand why men who have a willing partner to have sex with would need to watch porn but that being said I think she’s overreacting and if she really does meet some guy I would start divorce proceedings immediately.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Cletus said:


> Are you willing to never look at porn again in your marriage?


Okay, but that's not the only question. Are you willing to live with someone who reacts in such an extreme way? Isn't willing to discuss a problem, and instead becomes violent? And then starts up on Tinder? That's a MUCH bigger ask than going without porn. Think really carefully.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Okay, but that's not the only question. Are you willing to live with someone who reacts in such an extreme way? Isn't willing to discuss a problem, and instead becomes violent? And then starts up on Tinder? That's a MUCH bigger ask than going without porn. Think really carefully.


Well, sure, I was trying to stay out of the "who's the most wrong" here argument.


----------



## SadAdam (May 14, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> You need to give more information if you want help.
> What age are you and your wife and is she deeply religious?
> How often do you have sex in your relationship?
> I don’t understand why men who have a willing partner to have sex with would need to watch porn but that being said I think she’s overreacting and if she really does meet some guy I would start divorce proceedings immediately.


She is 23, I'm 31. We are not deeply religious, however, her parents are, so she grew up with strong Christian values.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She's irrational and abusive. Dump her while you can.


----------



## SadAdam (May 14, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Okay, but that's not the only question. Are you willing to live with someone who reacts in such an extreme way? Isn't willing to discuss a problem, and instead becomes violent? And then starts up on Tinder? That's a MUCH bigger ask than going without porn. Think really carefully.


She also said that if she finds something else she is going to post it on Facebook and send it to my contacts. This happened after the Tinder thing, she even glanced me the conversation on Whatsapp and showed me some pictures. I think that she feels that I'm pushing her to do that, that if it happens, it's my fault because I watched porn. Before that she asked how would I feel if I found out she watches porn, I told her that if that happens we would talk about it. But I do get that if she does that, going out, I would have to end it all.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SadAdam said:


> She is 23, I'm 31. We are not deeply religious, however, her parents are, so she grew up with strong Christian values.





SadAdam said:


> She also said that if she finds something else she is going to post it on Facebook and send it to my contacts. This happened after the Tinder thing, she even glanced me the conversation on Whatsapp and showed me some pictures. I think that she feels that I'm pushing her to do that, that if it happens, it's my fault because I watched porn. Before that she asked how would I feel if I found out she watches porn, I told her that if that happens we would talk about it. But I do get that if she does that, going out, I would have to end it all.


The original question still stands. 

You will have no success changing her views on this, and she seems perfectly willing to blow up your life over it. 

Can you live with this person?


----------



## CoachP (Sep 26, 2016)

SadAdam said:


> As I watched our pictures yesterday, I kept believing about our love. Today our marriage turns five months, that's also what I keep thinking, what's going to happen in the future? Can I fix this? How? Am I the only one who wants to fix this?


Five months? I'm surprised this board isn't already overflowing with the "that's barely long enough to consummate the marriage!" crowd! Anyway, how long did you two date before you got married? Oftentimes something like this would be found out before pledging those "forever" vows to one another.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Listen, she is nuts, completely and totally. You need to divorce her she is crazy.

I don't understand why you think any of this is OK?

Is this your first relationship? Have you had other relationships before?

I am starting to wonder if she was already sleeping with someone and now is just going to do it openly.

But she is so far out of bounds that there is nothing to talk about.

Married for 5 months, get rid of her...


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

wow.

it seems to me your wife's reaction was way over the top. Now many people have different opinions about porn. i am one of those people who think porn is bad in and of itself and destructive to marriage. that is my personal belief. i don't care what other people think. however, i also think porn and masterbation are one of those 'venial' sins that arise from human natural urges.
i don't equate porn or masterbation within a marriage as adultery or cheating. however my opinion doesn't really matter; obviously your wife thinks different.

nevertheless, i consider your wife's response over the top, even given her beliefs.. i have discussed or read articles porn/masterbation with/by numerous psychologists, counselors priests/ministers.
I don't think any religious i've know in authority who would damn you the way your wife has. that said, the people i have known or read would probably consider it a problem that should be 
discussed with compassion, understanding and rational thinking rather than a wild, crazy reaction and threats of divorce


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SadAdam said:


> She also said that if she finds something else she is going to post it on Facebook and send it to my contacts. This happened after the Tinder thing, she even glanced me the conversation on Whatsapp and showed me some pictures. I think that she feels that I'm pushing her to do that, that if it happens, it's my fault because I watched porn. Before that she asked how would I feel if I found out she watches porn, I told her that if that happens we would talk about it. But I do get that if she does that, going out, I would have to end it all.


Setting the porn aside, it's a bigger question of how will she act when she decides you've done something else she doesn't approve of?

How she handles disagreements as an adult, even as big or little item as porn is (some yes, some no) is the as equal concern. 

She seems a bit unstable. Many Hs and Ws would be concerned their SO isn't a challenge solver but a my way or the highway person and that will never ever work for a ltr much less a M.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

SadAdam said:


> she grabbed a shoe and started to hit me with it, hard


Am I the only person hearing this? 

What would you all be saying if the genders were reversed?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Am I the only person hearing this?
> 
> What would you all be saying if the genders were reversed?


Duck?


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> Am I the only person hearing this?
> 
> What would you all be saying if the genders were reversed?


You are right. 

But, he has bigger problems than being hit with a shoe. 

If it were a baseball bat, it would be different. 

But you are correct. 

She's nuts, he has to get out...


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Poor eyesight. Is that the Mexican flag? Does she always react in such an emotional way? What culture are y'all? Have you talked about marital boundaries before marriage? How often do you have sex? Has she asked for more? Some porn is more hardcore than others? Was your download offensive because of the specific content or just in general? Would she talk to a priest?

How long ago did y'all lose a child? Has she been depressed, anxious, different in her interactions with you since then? How about jealous throughout your relationship? Many women feel denigrated personally if their husband prefers porn to them.

Marriage with someone who is on her way to irrational behavior is a miserable choice. Has the courtship and five months of marriage been similarly volatile? Glad you are seeking help. IMO: her overreaction has underlying causes that we do not know.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t expect her to change. Decide if you want to stay or leave and carry on.

(FYI — I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage for decades. It never got any better than it was from the beginning.)


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

CoachP said:


> Five months? I'm surprised this board isn't already overflowing with the "that's barely long enough to consummate the marriage!" crowd! Anyway, how long did you two date before you got married? Oftentimes something like this would be found out before pledging those "forever" vows to one another.


Not only this, but the fact that they lost a baby. @SadAdam I'm sorry to say but this strongly implies that you only got married for the kid. Quite honestly, that can easily be the worse a person can do for their children. Children by themselves should never be a reason for marriage.

Personally, I'd say let her go. If this is how she will react over a single porn video, and she can't grasp how she is escalating, then she is an abusive relationship waiting to happen. You can and will find better. Oh, and don't lie for the divorce. Let all know how she is overreacting.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Your wife's reaction is a little over the top. 

Not only screaming, threatening, but hitting you? What the heck???

Look, I'm not a fan of porn, but throwing a major temper tantrum like that about it it's kinda cray cray. 

Opening a tinder account because she's hurt is ridiculous. How is she going to react when real problems arrive? That's worrisome.

If she's not ready to talk and solve marital problems like an adult then she can go and live with her tinder boyfriend, maybe they deserve each other.

I don't know. I got married when I was 23 and I wasn't this obsessive, controlling, or dramatic. 

I feel bad for you.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry young man. Porn is just a terrible blight on manhood- I think all good men eventually have to step up and say enough is enough and just beat the habit. You’ll have to attack the impulse first and literally lock out or get rid of your phone. From there it is mostly easy and about continually recommitting... and some willpower. Initially, you really have to remove the easy access to it. If you read about human sex trafficking and other topics you can find some motivation to want to end any connection to it. Best wishes.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You screwed up. You should have stayed away from the porn.
However, even that doesn't deserve the reaction that you have received.
You have been assaulted, your wife gets on Tinder, hooks up with some guy, and says that she's going to go out with him?
And this from an alleged "Religious" person, seriously.
You need to run (not walk) to the best divorce attorney that you can find and explore your options.
She is up 2-1, and may soon be up 3-1.
If I were in your situation, I would apologize for the porn and tell her that from this point on, there will be none.
However, I would also demand a sincere apology from her for the assault, a deactivation of her Tinder account, and make it clear to her that if she steps out with anyone, that you are done and will be filing for divorce.
I'd also say counseling is necessary for both of you.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SadAdam said:


> She also said that if she finds something else she is going to post it on Facebook and send it to my contacts. This happened after the Tinder thing, she even glanced me the conversation on Whatsapp and showed me some pictures. I think that she feels that I'm pushing her to do that, that if it happens, it's my fault because I watched porn. Before that she asked how would I feel if I found out she watches porn, I told her that if that happens we would talk about it. But I do get that if she does that, going out, I would have to end it all.


So, she threatens YOU with sharing porn with facebook and your contacts. What about you sharing HER being on Tinder -- I bet if you shared THAT on facebook and with her contacts and HER FAMILY (especially her parents), I wonder what the response would be?

I get that she feels betrayed about you watching porn. I don't see anyone that would equate watching porn to actually talking with real people on Tinder with the idea of cheating as being the same. 
She is acting completely irrational - adults TALK about things and try to get understanding, NOT immediately say she is going out Sunday to meet strangers to have sex with. She is ALREADY getting pictures from guys on WhatsAPP?? I have a feeling she may have been doing this LONG before and is just now using the porn to justify it.

YOU are not pushing her to do anything -- if she cheats, and she's already there in my opinion, that is 100% on HER.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Clearly, you must understand, your wrong choice is not responsible for any unfaithful action she may take. That, in essence, would be her choosing to 'double down' and act out rather like a child throwing a marriage-destroying temper tantrum. She radiates pain wanting to hurt you, perhaps drive you away. I would be afraid to have children with this woman--no telling what she might do to one of them.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OK WHY IS EVERYONE SKIPPING OVER THE WE LOST THE BABY?

How long ago was this? Has your wife and you had grief counseling? 
Losing a baby is traumatic, usually more so for the wife then the husband for what I hope are obvious reasons.

While her reaction is not a good one I also wouldn't look at just this piece of information. People do crazy horrific things after they death of a loved one. 

How did you deal with it? How did she?

Listen others have some valid points about do you want to be with someone whose reaction to a bad situation is to make it worse.

Whether or not some mental instability is at play due to the losing the baby you have to decide if you want to fix this.
If you think you do. I think the advice about porn is correct for your marriage. You will have to give it up. Many many women feel like their husbands looking at other women's naked bodies is a form of cheating. Others are just very insecure about their bodies and don't want to be judged. Other wonder if you wish you had one of those girls instead of the one you do have. It is insidious as it starts to creep in their mind that maybe when you are having sex you think about the porn women instead of them. They also feel like they aren't enough for you that the porn specifically indicates you aren't happy with just them and want others they feel inadequate and insecure that you might cheat. And high up there, if your wife feels like you knew she wouldn't want you to watch it then it is a betrayal of trust. This could be from conversations you had. Or perspectives that were shared and never countered. 

For instance if we are walking down the mall and happen to observe a letcher. You know the kind whose eyes are always on someones ass or breasts even if they are holding hands with a beautiful woman. and I say, "men like that are just stupid, in the end he'll lose the one he has looking at all he doesn't and never will have. And you respond "yeah that's guy is stupid". After time if your behavior look like above I might assume you know that I disapprove of men who are always looking at other women after being married. That would of course then apply to looking at NAKED women. Now you might see a difference between one and the other that is why people need to have actual conversations about expectations. 

Worse still porn does effect your brain. Many men develop problems from watching porn and whacking off such as lack of drive, sensitivity, delusion of what is normal, addiction. 

However many men use it with no problems for them or their wives. But if you want to be married to this wife I think you'll have to give it up.

So one of BIG questions is did you know her position on porn? Is this just making her insecure or is it also a betrayal of trust.

If you knew and betrayed her that is going to be more difficult. If you and her see it differently then you'll need to have a conversation about that. You will then both need to come to an agreement about what are the boundaries for such things. Part of that conversation and agreement needs to be an understanding that it is never ok to hit. She needs to understand that just because you are a man doesn't make it ok to hit you. This boundaries conversation may also need to have a session to discuss how in the future you two will handle communicating with each other. Set up a more frequent better exchange of actual feelings. Counseling is needed. And counseling is a must for you both. IC and MC.

But If the baby thing was recent I can't stress enough how this can impact women from actual hormonal imbalances that make the crazy not our fault to tremendous guilt thinking there was something we could have done different. To wondering if our men still love us when we are such failures. Being afraid of sex, afraid of another baby, another miscarriage. She is lashing out and that can be a stage of grief.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SadAdam said:


> As I watched our pictures yesterday, I kept believing about our love. Today our marriage turns five months, that's also what I keep thinking, what's going to happen in the future? Can I fix this? How? Am I the only one who wants to fix this?


I think we need more info to figure out what's going on here.

Did you and she discuss porn before you go married? Did you know that she was so strongly against it?

How long ago did she lose the baby? How did she react right after she lost the baby?


----------



## Pagg55 (Mar 19, 2019)

Ive been married for 15 years and during our first year or two of marriage she would catch me watching porn and get upset. After talking about it, watching porn together, and then making porn together it no longer became an issue. I guess she just feels insecure or upset that you're hiding things from her. Honestly though, everyone watches porn every now and then. It's just all about opening up to eachother and being honest. Nowadays i catch my wife watching porn too and if she ever catches me she just joins me and asks what I'm watching. It took a lot of hard work, communication, and time to get to this point, but it is worth it if you really love eachother. It's not like you're cheating on her.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SadAdam said:


> ot married anymore and as I was writing this she said that I can't stop looking at porn and left.


Your actions have shook her to the core. I do not agree with porn personally, i think it can do untold damage to a marriage and is best avoided but I am not going to say you are right or wrong.
Her reactions are not very mature, she is reacting like a wounded animal which suggests to me that there may be other underlying issues in her past about her trust in men? Of course as a young bride finding out this about her older H may be a shock. But for her to 'teach you a lesson.' which is what she is up to, very extreme.


Some women will react like your wife, others wont. She is still young and may have a rose colored view of who you and marriage and has not yet the chance to experience your flaws.
It is best if you lie low. Perhaps you can talk to a counselor for yourself cause her reaction has also shook you to the core. Remain respectful of her. if you get the chance don't defend yourself but explain the porn use and come to an agreement where you work together.
I think you have to be firm with her and tell her that you are sorry but you will not tolerate her abusive behaviour or threats. If she wants to deal with marriage problems this way then you do not have a future. If she can sit with your and rationally figure things out then you can weather things together.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Dude, she’s 23, you’ve been married 11 seconds and she’s already on tinder. Enough said. You know what you need to do.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> Sorry young man. Porn is just a terrible blight on manhood- I think all good men eventually have to step up and say enough is enough and just beat the habit. You’ll have to attack the impulse first and literally lock out or get rid of your phone. From there it is mostly easy and about continually recommitting... and some willpower. Initially, you really have to remove the easy access to it. If you read about human sex trafficking and other topics you can find some motivation to want to end any connection to it. Best wishes.


Kindly, how is this responsive to the OP's problem of how to deal with a W that seems to not be able to handle problem solving in the M?


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Kindly, how is this responsive to the OP's problem of how to deal with a W that seems to not be able to handle problem solving in the M?


seems like there was already a lot of great advice about everything else... but what’s wrong with my suggestion that he work on one of his faults?Sometimes that’s all we can do... apologize, make amends, and resolve to do better.

It’s pretty obvious that she has some issues but given the strained relationship I’m pretty sure he’s not going to get anywhere trying to “fix” her right now.

Porn really is a sickness of its own, don’t you agree?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> seems like there was already a lot of great advice about everything else... but what’s wrong with my suggestion that he work on one of his faults?Sometimes that’s all we can do... apologize, make amends, and resolve to do better.
> 
> It’s pretty obvious that she has some issues but given the strained relationship I’m pretty sure he’s not going to get anywhere trying to “fix” her right now.
> 
> Porn really is a sickness of its own, don’t you agree?


The OP addressed the fact that there was an issue to be addressed, and he acknowledged her feelings were very important to him, and he could make some changes, yet during this all happening the W started a Tinder account, etc, etc.

I agree porn can be a problem all it's own. I won't dodge your leading question, that's ok in your opinion?


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm a woman. It does not bother me if my partner watches some porn now and again. I'd be bothered if porn took the place of our intimacy but otherwise I don't really have a problem with it as long as you're sure what you're viewing did not come from sex trafficking. But even if I despised the idea of my husband watching porn, I would never, in a million years, make a Tinder account and make a date in response to finding out he had watched some. 

If your wife's idea of solving problems is a tit for tat type resolution you are in for a world of marital problems. THIS needs to be addressed. If she goes through with this date I'd demand marriage counselling or you're filing for divorce. Honestly, I think you need marriage counseling anyway so you both can learn better ways of conflict resolution. Because hitting you and cheating on you for revenge will never solve anything. 

I'm sorry you're going through all this so early in your marriage. And I'm sorry for the loss of your child. If her behavior is way out of her character for her it's entirely possible the loss has caused some severe anxiety and depression on her part and she would need individual counseling and maybe even medication. Post partum depression is very real and the loss of a pregnancy puts her at greater risk for it. 

I wish you luck.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

There are two ways to look at this.
Yes, porn is not good.
In this case, it merely served as a trigger.
However, the behavior of the wife is much more egregious than the original offense.
If left unchecked, what will her next trigger be? Looks like it could be damn near anything.
She gets her way or she goes off. Violence, Tinder, hooking up are some of the many possible outcomes.
Next thing OP knows, he's sitting in jail because he took a lamp upside the head.
Frankly, her behavior is much more concerning than his.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> OK WHY IS EVERYONE SKIPPING OVER THE WE LOST THE BABY?
> 
> How long ago was this? Has your wife and you had grief counseling?
> Losing a baby is traumatic, usually more so for the wife then the husband for what I hope are obvious reasons.
> ...


Hold on, she sounds like she had a miscarriage. He did not say it was late term or born and died. 

If it was the latter, then yeah, it is something to consider. I have been through that with ex, she was insane and never acted like she is. 

If she is having a break of reality, then put her in the hospital. 

But I am getting the impression that she has been acting like this for a while not as some break caused by the miscarriage...


----------



## st5555 (Dec 7, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> *Porn really is a sickness of its own, don’t you agree?*


Since I'm not Catholic perhaps I see it from a different viewpoint.
I view porn a few times a week. On occasion, I'll load a female friendly porn site onto the laptop and let my wife view it while I am going down on her. We enjoy the added spice it brings to our bedroom. 

We are approaching our 50th wedding anniversary and porn has been a titillating tool for many of those years.

So I guess I am lucky that both my wife and I have this sickness as it enhances our intimacy levels on occasion. When you've been married as long as we have, we need all the help we can get.

I suppose you could pray to deliver us from this evil, but we may not appreciate it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@st5555 congratulations on your upcoming 50th anniversary!


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> Hold on, she sounds like she had a miscarriage. He did not say it was late term or born and died.
> 
> If it was the latter, then yeah, it is something to consider. I have been through that with ex, she was insane and never acted like she is.
> 
> ...


1st. She has only been acting like this since she discovered the porn so it hasn't been a while. 
2nd
Yes I'm asking these questions because a miscarriage late or not can have devastating effects for a long time. Especially if it isn't dealt with but rug swept. I could have been months ago and still be impacting her.

Are her actions egregious yes. Excusable, NO. But he came to get advice on his marriage. I'm saying if you want to choose to try to fix it you can't just look at the porn or Tinder. You have to look at underlying issues of losing a baby and possibly trust. You should also look at violence and communication.

I feel like most men can't understand what all happens or can happen emotionally and physically from miscarriage. It depends on a lot of variables. For some they shake it off for other it destroys the woman even ones who didn't think they wanted the baby. There is something biologically built into us that we are meant to carry life. So when we fail at that it can make us question our identity, existence. 

She is engaging in self destructive behavior. This is classic from someone who feels ashamed, guilty and not good enough.

The real essence only OP and she know. Is this behavior she would normally do? Did they meet on tinder? She is working on destroying her relationship with the person she isn't having a baby with.

When bad things happen sometimes we engage in self destructive behaviors. If a guy loses a high powered, money job and his trophy wife in a week and starts drinking people seem to understand why he's drinking. Other expressions can be much harder to discern.

So OP is this behavior something you'd expect or totally out of the blue?


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> 1st. She has only been acting like this since she discovered the porn so it hasn't been a while.
> 2nd
> Yes I'm asking these questions because a miscarriage late or not can have devastating effects for a long time. Especially if it isn't dealt with but rug swept. I could have been months ago and still be impacting her.
> 
> ...


Listen, can see that you make some points. And it is horrible for a woman to lose a child before birth. It is kind of sexist sounding the way that you talk about it. I was right there with my ex when she miscarried several times. It hurt for me as well. Those would have been my children as well. I am here to tell you it hurt, not as much as a mother but it hurt.

However, what she is doing is beyond the pale. It screams LOTS of mental issues, before the marriage or the loss.

At 5 months, he should get out... No two ways about it...


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I can see the young lady’s point. She wanted a “one man and one woman” marriage but he’s played the porn card five months in which is basically like saying- she’s not enough. It could be also she’s learned the reason why hubby has no real passion... part of him is dulled/appeased by his other “lovers“.

I think the Tinder thing, while immature, is probably an angry stunt to make hubby jealous and prove a point. If she really wanted to end the marriage- she’d have left.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> I can see the young lady’s point. She wanted a “one man and one woman” marriage but he’s played the porn card five months in which is basically like saying- she’s not enough. It could be also she’s learned the reason why hubby has no real passion... part of him is dulled/appeased by his other “lovers“.
> 
> I think the Tinder thing, while immature, is probably an angry stunt to make hubby jealous and prove a point. If she really wanted to end the marriage- she’d have left.


And do you think it’s ok that she has done this? I see a doomed marriage if this is her idea of conflict resolution.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> I can see the young lady’s point. She wanted a “one man and one woman” marriage but he’s played the porn card five months in which is basically like saying- she’s not enough. It could be also she’s learned the reason why hubby has no real passion... part of him is dulled/appeased by his other “lovers“.
> 
> I think the Tinder thing, while immature, is probably an angry stunt to make hubby jealous and prove a point. If she really wanted to end the marriage- she’d have left.


Oh please. You give her a pass on dating while married and burn him at the stake over porn? Doormat.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP Well today is Saturday. Did she go on this supposed date?


----------



## Golden Age (May 17, 2020)

Divorce her, move on, don't ruin the rest of your life.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I have a feeling OP has left the building


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She’s abusive and you should run like hell and not look back. She is wildly out of control and dangerous.

Deal with the porn stuff later. Safety first. Get out.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I have a feeling OP has left the building


Probably in jail on a DV charge because the Mrs. gave him the Buford Pusser treatment.


----------



## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

You gave her a paper cut. She is giving you broken bones, metaphorically speaking.

She abused you. She is threatening real life adultery. Honestly, I'm wondering if she's already cheated.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

SadAdam said:


> She is 23, I'm 31. We are not deeply religious, however, her parents are, so she grew up with strong Christian values.


Is it OK to cheat with a moving picture? 
Is it OK to masturbate to a moving picture of someone you know?
Is that different from masturbating to a picture of someone you do not know? 
If a spouse wants to watch porn is it OK to watch it secretly so that the other uses terms like I caught him/her watching porn, or is it better to just start watching it when together?

Is it reasonable to be annoyed about something you have never discussed and had a common opinion?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> She's irrational and abusive. Dump her while you can.


OP, this is really as simple as it gets.

Nothing more need be mentioned.

You are the one that chose wrong. She is a first class idiot with no self control.

I could only guess at what serious mental problems she has.

Get rid of her quickly and with contempt because trash is one of the nicer terms that comes to mind after your description.

What a ho.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think this thread (and others) are great warnings to all porn using men... you’re going to get caught, either by your wife or daughters and they’ll never look at you in the same way again. Become the man you want to be and take up the fight against pornography!


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> I think this thread (and others) are great warnings to all porn using men... you’re going to get caught, either by your wife or daughters and they’ll never look at you in the same way again. Become the man you want to be and take up the fight against pornography!


No, it's not. It's not about porn at all. It's about two people who really don't know each other and get married anyway. They never established boundaries, they never established clear notions of privacy. They never asked or imagined the tough questions before jumping in with each other. She's physically abusing him. You think that comes out of nowhere? He married someone thinking he could keep his porn hobby/habbit a secret side thing. Nobody should get married keeping something to themselves that they believe would put their relationship in peril if the other knew about it.


----------



## Where there's a will (Feb 10, 2014)

Yout husband/wife is your porn. It's the deal that both signed up to. Who's the deal breaker here?


----------



## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> Your wife's reaction is a little over the top.
> 
> Not only screaming, threatening, but hitting you? What the heck???
> 
> ...


I think its almost more cultural....tinder account? Married for 5 months? This thread borders on ridiculous IMO.


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She is overeacting. If she doesn’t like you watching porn it’s her right to say it, but to act like lunatic, noo. She went on Tinder just because she was mad at you?! What’s she is going to do next when she gets upset again with you for any stupid reason?! She is very immature (from being young and inexperienced probably, ) and her actions are red flags.


----------



## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Laurentium said:


> Am I the only person hearing this?
> 
> What would you all be saying if the genders were reversed?


l understand the porn thing,my wife was getting ready to leave,until I reminded her that we agreed that "divorce" is NOT an option we would work it out no matter what itrook,fir some reason women equate,porn with cheating, I do not understand women


----------

