# Need advice on dealing with husband's toxic ex-wife



## GirlInterrupted112 (Sep 3, 2019)

I remarried a little over a year ago. My husband and I each have two kids each from our previous marriages. He gets his kids every other weekend and mine live with us full time. We dated 18 months before we got married and his exwife behaved crazy from the beginning. The minute she found out he was dating someone she made all sorts of rules about how he isn't allowed to have me around the kids, told the kids not to listen to me, ect. All without ever having met me or even knowing my name. Throughoit dating she had a few public meltdowns, flew into public rages, sent nasty messages to me, contacted my friends trying to spread rumors about me and so on. I have completely ignored her and responded to none of it. Not once. I can't control her behavior only my reaction to it, which so far has been to be the better person and simply refuse to engage in her drama. To date we have never even had a conversation and are perfect strangers. Yet since we got married things have escalated to a much more dramatic level. She withholds the kids from him anytime he does something she doesn't like. She pretty much makes our life a living hell. I have never spoken a single negative word about her to any of the kids, hers or mine, and never would yet she continually tells them nasty, hateful things about me freely and it's gotten to the point that my 12 year old stepdaughter sent me a nasty message accusing me of being mean to her mom. I was shocked, I have never been anything but polite and respectful to my stepkids and their mother, no matter how rude and nasty they are to me. After three years if this madness, that text from my stepdaughter sent me into a meltdown. I cried for hours and just feel like my mental health is slipping due to all this abuse. As with every abusuve action, I did not engage and turned the issue over to my husband. He called his ex and asked her about it and I could hear her on the phone ssying that she can't help it that the kids don't like me, they don't want to be around me, etc. All this after I just threw my stepdaughter a birthday party and invited all my friends and their kids. Everythimg was fine when she left our house to ho back to her moms. My husband considers the is due settled and yells at me when I try to discuss how terrible I feel. I'm so alone. Now I feel uncomfortable around my stepdaughter and don't want to interact with her. I just want my peace back. I'm questioning if all this ignoring/being the bigger person/not engaging has given the ex the impression that she has free reign over how I'm treated. Im assuming she hasn't been able to get a rise out of me so she's using the stepdaughter to try to provoke me into reacting. I also am dealing with feelings of guilt over my husband's relationship with his kids being effected just because I exist. Even though I have never even spoken to this woman or had any interaction with her I seem to be the reason for all his trouble just by being alive and breathing. Anytime I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling he just tells me she's mentally ill and there's nothing he can do about it. My stepdaughter is supposed to come this weekend and my stomach is in knots over having to deal with it. What can I do?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No one wants an X in the mix. This is why. 

If your H is clueless about how this is affecting you I think I'd reassess the marriage. He should get his kids together and set them straight. As well as his X then cut off all unecssecary contact with her. Just because they have kids together doesn't mean they have to talk or interact.

Google grey rocking, parallel parenting.

She can't legally keep the kids from him either.

Sounds like he needs to stand up for himself and you. If not then not much of a future here.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Two things. If your husbands ex wife is preventing him from seeing his children he needs to go back to court and get a judge make a judgment call on her behavior. 
Your husband yelling at you because you’re upset tells me that he’s a lot like his ex wife. A bully and a loudmouth. You need to sort this out because you are enabling both his and the exes behavior by saying nothing. She believes that you’re scared of her and it sounds like you really are afraid of your husband. 
This must be having an affect on your own children as well.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what was the bases of their divorce aside from her craziness?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You have all of this documented?

If not, you need to start. 

Text messages, phone messages. Those that were given to friends, etc. Talk to an attorney. Find out whether or not there is anything you can do legally, to make this woman desist. And if you can file a complaint, you should. 

It won't change what she feels, thinks, or poisons her kids minds with ... but it demonstrates that you can make her life difficult as well. And you should, given what you have described.

I have a friend in a very similar circumstance. I don't think they'll make it ... based on the fact that her husband continues to acquiesce to his ex's insanity, because he fears what problems she can create between he and his kids. He has extraordinarily poor boundaries. The fact that your husband finds it easier to make this YOUR fault, tells me the same.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Change user name
@EleGirl


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

GirlInterrupted112 said:


> We dated 18 months before we got married and his exwife behaved crazy from the beginning. The minute she found out he was dating someone she made all sorts of rules about how he isn't allowed to have me around the kids, told the kids not to listen to me, ect. All without ever having met me or even knowing my name. Throughoit dating she had a few public meltdowns, flew into public rages, sent nasty messages to me, contacted my friends trying to spread rumors about me and so on.


You knew what the ex was like from the get-go. Personally speaking, I wouldn't have gotten involved with a man who brought along a crazy ex to the marriage. How did your husband respond to her harassment of you while you two were dating?



GirlInterrupted112 said:


> As with every abusuve action, I did not engage and turned the issue over to my husband. He called his ex and asked her about it and I could hear her on the phone ssying that she can't help it that the kids don't like me, they don't want to be around me, etc. … My husband considers the is due settled and yells at me when I try to discuss how terrible I feel. I'm so alone. … Anytime I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling he just tells me she's mentally ill and there's nothing he can do about it.


So your husband doesn't really have your back, does he? Sounds like he passively lets this loon run all over you, and does nothing proactive to get her to leave you alone. Why do you think that is?


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## GirlInterrupted112 (Sep 3, 2019)

He divorced her due to her cheating and being an alcoholic. I've never dealt with such bullying behavior in my life, I'm very nice and generally well liked. And yes, I absolutley feel bullied by my husband over this issue. He is very sweet and kind in every other aspect but if this topic is brought up he turns into a bully. His son is 16 and has very little to do with us, there was no falling out it was just that his mom doesn't want him to go so he decided to stop coming to our house. At 16 I don't think there's anything we can do there. His daughter turns 13 this week. She still comes every other weekend, but anytime she gets angry with my husband, the daughter will all of sudden call and say she doesn't want to come. So isn't shy about using the kids as weapons. For example, on Father's Day he gave his daughter a cell phone so he can communicate with her when needed. This made his ex irate because she wants to force all communication through her. Then when we went to pick uo his son for Father's Day dinner, she was standing outside waiting and told him he didn't have permission to go. So not seeing his son on Father's Day was his punishment for giving his daughter a phone. As a mother I'm apalled, those poor kids. So I understand why he is reluctant to do anything to rock the boat as she has complete control over his relationship with the kids at this point. But he is the one that chose this woman as the mother of his kids and has to bear the consequences of that but I'm starting to feel like this isn't my cross to bear and I want my peace back. And I also worry about the stepdaughter being around my kids and what she may be saying to them. Sadly, if it was just us we have a very strong, happy relationship. But with all the baggage it's a train wreck.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It's the squeaky hinge that gets the grease. I believe that this is attributed to Malcolm X.

It's easy to ignore someone who does not complain. Decide what your boundaries and hold firm. Let him be the one to complain.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Edb, What doe's your husband thinking? Is he going to support you? What if anything doe's he tell you? I do think he must address his child on the text message. And it's harsh treatment to you well, guess what he must have consequences for the child. The next time she comes to visit. This teaches the child a life lesson, and show her you to behave like a good little person should. And to man up to his children, you are his choice! And they should at the very least respect him and what he loves. Hang in there, and help your man show more courage when under fire. And let him know you are not trying to replace mom, just helping your husband be a better man.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I also am dealing with feelings of guilt over my husband's relationship with his kids being effected just because I exist.


You could divorce him. that way no one can blame his relationship to his kids going forward. 

That is always one option.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stepchildren are the reason many subsequent marriages fail. Would he try to fix the problem in whatever way it takes if you told him you were leaving? Would he end up resenting you if he had to constantly battle with his ex and children? 

Can you live with this the rest of your life if nothing changes?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband needs to #1, grow a damn backbone and learn to stand up to his ex wife. Take her ass back to court, file charges against her for withholding the children. #2 he needs to be supportive of you. The fact that he isnt says to me that he isnt a real partner to you. Shame on him for how he handles this. I dont know, maybe if you tell him you are out the door if this doesnt change would shake him into some kind of action. But you cant continue like this, not if you want to have any kind of peace in your home.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Deejo said:


> You have all of this documented?
> 
> If not, you need to start.
> 
> ...


This was an issue with my ex as well. While his ex wasn't openly nasty to me, I definitely came in 2nd where her feelings vs mine were concerned. 

And his daughter was rude....never showed much interest in me. I could deal with that except that he made it my fault; if only I'd kiss her rear more things would be better.

The truth was that he was terrified she'd cut him off and I was an easier target. He didn't have the backbone to deal with anything unpleasant.

Granted, his daughter and ex weren't our only issues, and his daughter was grown (not 12).

But the poor boundaries and not supporting his wife are the same and the poor boundaries were a huge reason for our divorce.


LW, you don't have an ex problem....you have a husband problem. A lot of marriages after the first fail for just this reason. Your husband, like my ex, doesn't have the backbone to deal with this and is willing to let you suffer so things can be easier for him. That's not partner material.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

GirlInterrupted112 said:


> He divorced her due to her cheating and being an alcoholic. I've never dealt with such bullying behavior in my life, I'm very nice and generally well liked. And yes, I absolutley feel bullied by my husband over this issue. He is very sweet and kind in every other aspect but if this topic is brought up he turns into a bully. His son is 16 and has very little to do with us, there was no falling out it was just that his mom doesn't want him to go so he decided to stop coming to our house. At 16 I don't think there's anything we can do there. His daughter turns 13 this week. She still comes every other weekend, but anytime she gets angry with my husband, the daughter will all of sudden call and say she doesn't want to come. So isn't shy about using the kids as weapons. For example, on Father's Day he gave his daughter a cell phone so he can communicate with her when needed. This made his ex irate because she wants to force all communication through her. Then when we went to pick uo his son for Father's Day dinner, she was standing outside waiting and told him he didn't have permission to go. So not seeing his son on Father's Day was his punishment for giving his daughter a phone. As a mother I'm apalled, those poor kids. So I understand why he is reluctant to do anything to rock the boat as she has complete control over his relationship with the kids at this point. But he is the one that chose this woman as the mother of his kids and has to bear the consequences of that but I'm starting to feel like this isn't my cross to bear and I want my peace back. And I also worry about the stepdaughter being around my kids and what she may be saying to them. Sadly, if it was just us we have a very strong, happy relationship. But with all the baggage it's a train wreck.


Your husband is weak. I dealt with this for a hot minute with my wife and my ex. Why so short? I didn’t tolerate the bull****. Father’s have rights as well and they are enforced much better for men than they were when my kids were this age.

He can’t control how you feel, but to put any blame or even to bully you means he is weak. My ass would’ve been right up in the courts saying, “she is an alcoholic denying me my court ordered visitation.” 

If he doesn’t have court ordered because he has an “arrangement” he is even weaker.

It is not your “cross to bear.” HE ALLOWED, not you, the mom to ruin his relationship with the kids.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@phillybeffandswiss nailed it. Your husband needs to man up with his ex's crap. If he doesn't you should think long and hard about where you stand in his pecking order.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Ra


Rubix Cubed said:


> If he doesn't you should think long and hard about where you stand in his pecking order.


This right here......

No, you should not be behind his kids or his ex-wife. Let’s be real, he and his son had a falling out. If they didn’t that boy would be over there just to spite his mom. He’s a teen, that’s what they do. Especially, on a special day. He might stay to keep the peace, but not om a day like Father’s day.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hate to say this but you married a weak man. She bullied him in the marriage and now she is bullying him and now you...one of you have to grow a pair of balls and frankly it does not sound like it will be him, he may sound like he is trying to keep the peace but in face he is weak.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

And THIS bull**** is exactly why one of my absolute *deal-breakers* when I was dating was *NO *men with dependent children. There's a reason for that - and your situation is the reason.

It's been one big thankless job for you and a series of continued kicks in the face by his crazy ex, playing step=mother to your husband's kids. I'm willing to bet the arrogant, ungrateful jerk probably had YOU do the bulk of the work when his kids were there for visitation (like cooking for them, cleaning up after them, caring for them, getting them ready for bed at night, keeping their rooms clean, dong any laundry they may need done, shopping to make sure the foods and drinks they like are in the house, arranging parties for them, etc. etc. etc.) Highly doubtful HE did any of that. 

And what is your *thanks* for all that work? He yells at you like the little coward he is when you DARE to be upset at the horrific level of disrespect you're getting from his crazy ex and his kids all while YOU'RE doing most of this ass-hole's work FOR him whenever they're at your house. You lucky girl. 

I'm *still *trying to figure out what's so wonderful about this weak little bully that you CHOOSE to stay in this toxic environment with him and put up with the constant *disrespect *from ALL of them. I'm dead serious - what is_* so*_ great about this guy that you're willing to sell yourself right down the river in order to cling to him at all costs?


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## GirlInterrupted112 (Sep 3, 2019)

Oh I completely agree. Case in point, just two days after she sent me that hateful message out of the blue she texted me telling me she needs me to order her a new mouthpiece for her clarinet and have it shipped to her mother's house! So I'm a horrible monster, but hey my money's still good. And we literally live 2 miles from her, but she can't be bothered to come and get it in person? And she sent me that abusive text on the phone that we provided to her and is on the family phone plan that I help pay for as I work full time and we split the household bills 50/50. The days of me just putting up with it are over. I didn't even respond to that text asking me to buy her that. I've bent over backwards to do fir those kids and I'm nothing but an disposalable ATM to them. I really don't even want the stepdaughter around my own daughter, she is just an extension of her awful mother. I have even had to delete my Instagram account because the stepdaughter was showing the mom my account and then we would get hateful messages telling us what I am and am not allowed to do on my own social media account. She also texted my husband a couple weeks ago telling him I'm not allowed to invite their daughter to family functions and all plans have to be cleared through her first. I'm of the impression that what we do with her on our weekend is our business. But she dictates every little thing to the point of misery.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You have been given great advice on what to do. I will only add, that it is quite possible for a 12-year-old girl to apply middle-school bullying techniques to their interactions with a stepmom.

I have a stepdaughter who has gone from a toxic, horrible 13-year-old to an 18-year-old who finally has a job and is thinking more normally than i figured possible.

She was so self-absorbed in hating her life that she ran away from home when I literally was dying of cancer, laying on the couch for 2 months.

Her addled teen mind was convinced that I was taking away her mom's attention away from her. and god-knows, you can't have that!

So she met some random guy in front of a Dollar Tree store and agreed to go with him.

We had to hire a PI to find her 800 miles away and in who knows what condition.

My point, sorry for the ramble, is that you cannot just pin the girl's mean statement on her mom. She came up with all by herself.

This is what girls do in 2019.

That her mom is awful is a side issue for her behavior.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So what are you going to do about this situation? I get it that the ex is a freakin' loon, the step kids are behaving terribly, and your husband doesn't have your back.

What now?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, I guess you are just here to whine. Every single time I ask you a straight-up question, you don't answer or you sign off.

From what I've read so far, it sounds like you enjoy, to some extent, playing the martyr. If you don't, then start setting hard boundaries and be prepared for the consequences.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Not sure where you live but ex CANNOT withhold children just because she's miffy. Cops should be called and order enforced.

Get TRO for ex wife. I'm not kidding.

Ignore. Play dumb. Get on withyour life. Your husband is a doormat. One way or the other you are going to have to find your own strength and use it.

Be less interested in the drama. Developing a "sorry but I'm all out of ****s to give" is a wonderful mindset. Trust me.

The only person you can change is YOU. Be the change. Stop being reactive to this madness. Your husband WILL NOT CHANGE. Stop wishing on rainbows and unicorns.


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## GirlInterrupted112 (Sep 3, 2019)

We talked today about going to marriage counseling. I'm completely detaching from the stepdaughter, I think that will help me with my own happiness. The point of the counseling is to get help on figuring out how to set strong boundaries to keep the ex completely out of our day to day lives and relationships. She is trying to dictate what we are and aren't allowed to do in our own house, which is way overstepping. I let him know that we need to sit down and have a frank talk with the stepdaughter this weekend about her treatment of me and start enforcing consequences for her bad actions. I told him if that doesn't happen he will need to go get an apartment and they can be as terrible as they want to be in his own household. He assured me it won't come to that but we'll see. I mean it, i am prepared to follow through. My mental health is suffering from all this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

GirlInterrupted112 said:


> We talked today about going to marriage counseling. I'm completely detaching from the stepdaughter, I think that will help me with my own happiness. The point of the counseling is to get help on figuring out how to set strong boundaries to keep the ex completely out of our day to day lives and relationships. She is trying to dictate what we are and aren't allowed to do in our own house, which is way overstepping. I let him know that we need to sit down and have a frank talk with the stepdaughter this weekend about her treatment of me and start enforcing consequences for her bad actions. I told him if that doesn't happen he will need to go get an apartment and they can be as terrible as they want to be in his own household. He assured me it won't come to that but we'll see. I mean it, i am prepared to follow through. My mental health is suffering from all this.


Good for you.


Still, don't fully blame the 12 years old. Manipulation and biology is a strong drug, it will make you do dumb things as an adult. Just imagine how it is as a child. 


No, I am not telling you to go easy nor saying she isn't at fault. Also, I am not blaming you or saying you don't have a right to your feelings. As someone who went through something similar, the ex is atrocious and your husband should've never let it get to this point. 

What she is doing is playing both sides off the middle. My daughter tried it a couple of times and I ended it quickly. She knew who had the time, money, parents and house where she didn't have to share. It was funny how quickly behavior changed when all of that was put in jeopardy.

She called you for equipment, not asking crazy mom. She isn't in high school, where sports scholarships and missing time begin to matter. My daughter, after stiring the pot, asked for me to buy some school uniforms. I told her, "talk to your mom, my Child Support is always on time." Then I addressed her behavior and said "why should I do extra, when you can't do the same towards your step-mom?" Yes, harsh, but never had a problem in that fashion again.


Before people freak, of course I bought her the uniforms. I basically taught her about treating people the way you want to be treated, with a real time example.

She now says my Wife was more of a mother than Bio-mom.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I was a second wife and dealt with alot of what you have described. Your husband has to be the strong person here and he has to talk to his ex to come to an agreement that this will stop. My husband (now ex) refused to speak to his exwife and there was no resolve. I tried to befriend her but she was hostile. This is unfortunate as the kids pay the price.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

GirlInterrupted112 said:


> We talked today about going to marriage counseling. I'm completely detaching from the stepdaughter, I think that will help me with my own happiness. The point of the counseling is to get help on figuring out how to set strong boundaries to keep the ex completely out of our day to day lives and relationships. She is trying to dictate what we are and aren't allowed to do in our own house, which is way overstepping. I let him know that we need to sit down and have a frank talk with the stepdaughter this weekend about her treatment of me and start enforcing consequences for her bad actions. I told him if that doesn't happen he will need to go get an apartment and they can be as terrible as they want to be in his own household. He assured me it won't come to that but we'll see. I mean it, i am prepared to follow through. My mental health is suffering from all this.


Good move. Dealing with stepchildren can be a nightmare. I hope everything works out well for you.


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