# He cheated, and he treats me like the guilty party, and I'm heartbroken



## avajane (Aug 13, 2012)

I'm having an incredibly difficult time. Married for over 6 years, and my husband had cheated on me 2 years ago through an online marriage infidelity site. I found out, confronted him, he ended his cheating and was remorseful and then we started to repair our relationship. I thought things were getting better over time. However, this April, he wanted a trial separation. He moved out of state and started a new job, but still told me he loved me and we agreed to not see /date other people. I visited about a month ago, and it was romantic, as if we were dating again... but yet he still told me that he wanted some time alone to figure things out. I told him I couldn't wait around forever. After I saw him, he got somewhat distant and I got suspicious. I started digging and discovered that he started an online dating profile, and I logged into his profile while trying an old password of his (now I wish I hadn't) and saw the messages he sent to women, and at that time, he had met a couple of women for coffee/drinks. I ended up sending a message to one of the women he had met on the site (through an anonymous profile) that a person she had been chatting with was actually married, not a single guy as he had represented himself to be. I confronted my husband about the site, and he was in shock and completely denied it as being a dating site... that he was there to meet new friends. Um, Yeah, RIGHT. I ended up telling him that I actually read some of the messages and he flipped out. Saying... "there you go again, invading my privacy!" He is furious that I read his "personal" messages and says I had no right to do that. He stopped talking to me and then found out from the OW that I had contacted her.. and then flipped out even more. He has been furious. Despite all this craziness, I wanted to work things out in our marriage. I wanted him to admit what he was doing was wrong, and say... I totally screwed up, and let's fix this. Well, he denies it as being wrong, and is so angry that I contacted this other woman. He has been sending me emails about how I invaded his privacy and that it is a civil and criminal offense. I told him that it has never been acceptable for him to commit infidelity and lie to me - that it has been a violation to our marital contract, our separation agreement and to me. 

I do think it was a bit inappropriate for me to contact one of the women that he had met and had been chatting with, when my relationship is with my husband and not her, I knew that it would create more drama and I regret it now - but for me to be treated as the only guilty party is ridiculous. I'm now being treated as the crazy bad person in the relationship and he isn't owning up to what he has done. He is now filing for divorce and isn't communicating with me. I know now that he checked out long ago in our relationship, and I haven't wanted to see it. 

I basically don't know what to do now though. Despite all the crap he has done, I still love him. I wanted so badly for things to have worked out eventually. I'm so incredibly sad. I realize that I've been in love with the ideal of him, and that I need to accept things as they are now. I'm completely mourning the loss of what I wanted for us. What is hard now is that I can't stop emailing him. Can't stop crying. I want to call but am stopping myself at that. He had said he was only willing to communicate regarding the specifics of the divorce, but he won't even respond to my emails pertaining only that. I've been incredibly depressed and feel suicidal in all this. Please help if you can....


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Don't ever feel guilty for reacting to heartbreak. This is where you're going wrong. Your WH is acting like a psychopath, turning the situation back onto you. "How dare you snoop around my affairs and confront me.," that's so devious. You're falling for it too. **** him...ok? You had every right as part of your entitlement to feel safe and loved in your marriage.

When I was younger, a woman caught her husband in my apartment. No, I didn't know he was married. Well, she hit me. She clocked me right in the face. I tried to press charges and do you know what I was told? They said "nothing we can do, you were messing around with her husband." 
Not even the law will protect a filanderer. Why should you?


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## avajane (Aug 13, 2012)

He has threatened to get a restraining order on me. I told him that I only contacted this one person from his dating account, but I know I don't owe him anything. I love his family, and since the trial separation some months ago, he has had no contact with them. He has now told me that he doesn't want me to contact them until our divorce is final (WTF? that would be 6 months!) His parents are very religious and respect marriage, and will be very upset that he is getting a divorce (this is his 2nd marriage, too.) He hasn't even really told them about our separation, or else they are in denial a bit too. I don't have any desire to tell them about how he has treated me, only the fact that he is no longer committed to our marriage and is filing for divorce. I told him to stop threatening me. It's completely exhausting. I knew we had problems, but I seriously thought we would go to counseling or we would talk in person about divorce, when/if it came to that. I'm just so sad it's all escalated to this. He is acting like a stranger and has completely cut me off. My friends are surprised that I even want to talk to him , but it is always easier when you are outside the situation and don't love the person. Yeah, I wanted my marriage to get better and work, but even when it is not going to, I wanted an amiacable divorce process. He has said for me to communicate only with him regarding the divorce, and not anything else. But what is so frustrating is that he isn't responding to ANYTHING. I hate the fact that he is the one hating me now, and I'm not the one "hating" him... if that even makes sense.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

My stbxh cheated on me, became emotionally abusive to cover the trail, and then tried to convince me that I'd imagined it or overreacted. Basically, when I minimally exposed his cheating in an attempt to fix our marriage problems, he didn't see his behavior as cheating, but saw me as the guilty party for invading his privacy and objecting to it. He raged violently at me for a whole year and only stopped after I filed for divorce, trying to convince me that I was the one in the wrong and should try to work to get him back. Sounds like your H is doing something similar. This is blame shift, misdirection, and gas lighting. He wants to rug sweep. Don't let him. You miss what you thought you had, the good stuff, but you've discovered that it was an illusion and a lie. Just agree to the divorce and let go. He is telling you he wants out of the marriage with his cheating and abandonment without provocation. You would be happier with someone who actually wants you enough to be faithful and committed. So, sign the divorce papers and start over with your life. Your heart may take time to heal, but it will heal eventually.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I hope that very soon you will realize that what he is doing is abusing you. It may not leave visible bruises but it bruises the hell out of your heart, mind and psyche. It's emotional abuse. He is an abuser. Please label him for what he is, I feel so badly for you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He brought third parties into your marriage. He has engaged in inappropriate behavior (EA at least). His behavior is typical of a WS getting caught. You have done nothing wrong. You are not getting the whole story from him. I'm sorry you are in such pain, but he is not acting like a man who wants to be married. Let him threaten all he wants. Now you go to an attorney and find out where you stand. Even if you don't file remember, knowledge is power. Expose his behavior to his parents, they are your family too. Once this kind of thing is dragged into the light of day, many spouses will stop. But not all.


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## avajane (Aug 13, 2012)

Thank you.. right now, yes, I'm understanding that he is being emotionally abusive, and has been this way for a long time. When there were problems in the past, and we've tried to talk... he would just shut down and stonewall me. Now he is doing that now, with not even communicating with me re: the divorce (which is what he wanted in the first place.) He has never truly said he is sorry in the past for his cheating and he is trying to justify what he is doing now. With my "invading his privacy" and exposing his dishonesty to a woman he was hoping to be with, he is using that as his own validation that I'm "crazy" and that we need to get a divorce. However, again... it is driving me insane that he isn't even responding to anything. I've sent him basic unemotional emails regarding the division of property/debt/etc., and no reply. I know that he is being passive aggressive and maybe hasn't filed, or maybe he has and I could be just served the papers. I've thought about filing on my own, but I didn't want this at all. I don't want to go through the pain of all the paperwork, pay a lawyer, etc and filing fee when he wanted this to begin with. We have no assets really, just debt. I'm just so hurt and angry, and can't believe it has all come to this. 

I know he will be telling people he met that our marriage didn't work because I was crazy and invaded his privacy. Well, it didn't work because I invaded his privacy, and found out what kind of person he was ... a liar and a cheater. 

I have never been treated this horribly, and it is awful that it is from a man that I had trusted and the one that I thought would protect me the most. It has awful. Yes, he is an abuser.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

avajane said:


> Thank you.. right now, yes, I'm understanding that he is being emotionally abusive, and has been this way for a long time. When there were problems in the past, and we've tried to talk... he would just shut down and stonewall me. Now he is doing that now, with not even communicating with me re: the divorce (which is what he wanted in the first place.) He has never truly said he is sorry in the past for his cheating and he is trying to justify what he is doing now. With my "invading his privacy" and exposing his dishonesty to a woman he was hoping to be with, he is using that as his own validation that I'm "crazy" and that we need to get a divorce. However, again... it is driving me insane that he isn't even responding to anything. I've sent him basic unemotional emails regarding the division of property/debt/etc., and no reply. I know that he is being passive aggressive and maybe hasn't filed, or maybe he has and I could be just served the papers. I've thought about filing on my own, but I didn't want this at all. I don't want to go through the pain of all the paperwork, pay a lawyer, etc and filing fee when he wanted this to begin with. We have no assets really, just debt. I'm just so hurt and angry, and can't believe it has all come to this.
> 
> I know he will be telling people he met that our marriage didn't work because I was crazy and invaded his privacy. Well, it didn't work because I invaded his privacy, and found out what kind of person he was ... a liar and a cheater.
> 
> I have never been treated this horribly, and it is awful that it is from a man that I had trusted and the one that I thought would protect me the most. It has awful. Yes, he is an abuser.


You've gotta let go and stop chasing him and trying to fix this marriage. He doesn't want to fix it. If he wanted to fix it, he'd reply to you. He's not replying. Of course he will spin stories and make you out to be the bad guy because no one wants to be the bad guy or admit to wrongdoing. He isn't going to change his tune until he sees consequences, and even then it will only be if there's something in it for him. He's left you. Your marriage has ended. I know this is painful, but you've got to accept it and stop pursuing him. File for divorce. Stop talking to him. If he wants to stay married, he will pursue you and try to convince you not to go through with the divorce. If he doesn't do so, then you know for a fact that he wants out of the marriage. Please, spare yourself the pain and torment and go dark and go 180 for your own sanity and self-esteem. If you don't know what that is, glance through the CWI section where there are lots of links to details. Basically, don't try to talk to him and don't initiate contact. You're the one hurting and he's the one rejecting you and you have got to stop trying to get a response out of the guy that wants to leave. I know this hurts to hear because you love him, but you have to let go. If he wants you, he'll come back to you by calling and wanting to work things out. If you try to lure him back when he doesn't want to be with you, you will sacrifice your dignity for only a temporary gain. If you are not in counseling, please see a counselor because this blame-shift is messing with your head and you need some objective advice or outlet for what you're going through.


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## avajane (Aug 13, 2012)

Thank you.

I'm going dark ... no contact, so far it has been almost a week. I'm taking it day by day, but really like the idea of not talking or contacting him for a long time. I've been realizing the last few days that he isn't worth it. 

He has emailed me to tell me that he hasn't filed for divorce yet, but asked me what info is needed (WTF? If he wants the divorce, he can figure that out and do the research.) I am not responding. I need a real break from this. I agree... doing a 180 will help me. I understand that the relationship is over. I've been holding on to him tightly, and with the last few days just realized that I really can't even take him back if he even changed his mind. I just don't trust him, and he's gone too far and betrayed me too many times. What he has done fully disgusts me. He would have to jump over the moon. Apologize to me, to my family, friends, go to solo and joint counseling for at least 6 months... and only then would I even consider maybe working on our relationship. I'm just so burned out. Incredibly hurt and depressed and need to climb myself out of this hole on my own. I can't give him anymore of my attention or energy, this is true. I need to focus on ME and get better. He needs serious help and he's not my responsibility anymore. I am my own responsibility.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am very sorry that your heart is breaking but remember it is breaking for the man you wanted him to be; not the kind of man he really is - an emotionally abusive serial cheater. In time, you will be able to see him clearly, the way we see him.

He signed up to cheat 2 yrs. ago online & is doing it again. For all you know, he could have been cheating the entire marriage.

His cheating has nothing to do with you.

As an outsider, I am so glad you are splitting up & won't be subject to std's, all of his lies, manipulation, deceit, abuse, disrespect, etc.

Lawyer up & get your fair share.

Good luck.


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