# Confused...



## gott2pits (Aug 13, 2009)

Husband and I have been married for about 1 yr 3 months..., lately I don't know what has happened to the both of us. We fight constantly, without getting a positive thing or a solution to our problems. 
We both come from different cultures. I'm a very emotional and expressive person, and he's very cut & dry when it comes to feelings. He doesn't really like expressing them and I think is some sort of macho thing. I know this before we got married, but lately is been getting worse. 
Communication is one of our main issues. I like talking things out. He doesn't like talking much about the problems in our relationship (he doesn't think there's any, and thinks married people fight...even more than we do). 
I admit sometimes I will blow up things out of proportion, but I guess I'm just tired of not being able to find a solution to our problems and just putting them behind and pretend like they are not there or didn't even happened. You know how sometimes when little things that are not solved combine, and then after an argument it becomes into this big thing...that's exactly how our fights are. Little things become big things. Then he gets upset when I talk with my best friend about an issue we had. I really try not to, but I don't like keeping my emotions all bottled up and I learned that some things are better solved by talking them out. I just feel I should be able to talk with my husband about any issue, without worrying about if he's going to storm out and wonder if he will ever come back!, or if he's going to start talking to me with anger.
I hate to put our problems out here, but I don't know what else to do. Here I am after our last fight. He has met very few of my friends. And I asked him to come to a get together (or a party, whatever you wanna call it) and meet my friends. His reasons for not to go are that he has no interest in meeting these people, even after I said how important this is to me; also he hates parties (BS, we hang out with his friends all the time); and the fact that he doesn't know anyone --I didn't know any of his friends when I was first introduced to them. I hang out with him and his friends whenever he wants to, because I like them and I like spending time with my husband. Shouldn't this be the other way around too. Isn't this a little bit of compromise? I understand he has a choice, dont I too. I'm not saying he doesn't give me much choice, but when I say I don't wanna hang out he (nicely) says I have to go. But when I wanna go out with my friends (without making him go)..., he refuses and says my friends are too crazy (****s---NOT true) and I am a married woman and shouldn't go out to those kinds of parties. I don't see it as controlling but recently I started to notice how I have been seeing less and less of my friends (tho it ends up being my choice not to go...). 
I have suggested couples therapy before so that someone else can help us but like I said before he doesn't think there's anything wrong with us. The fighting he says is normal ("What married couple doesn't fight?). I know there's healthy fighting, and also destructive fighting. I don't wanna destroy my marriage with the type of fighting we are having. 
I hate seeing him walk out the door and know that when he comes back we'll never revisit the issue..., and then on our next fight it will come back again. 
I know I'm not a perfect person. I know I'm selfish at times, and I will admit a drama queen --but not to the proportion of what he portrays me to be. His words are starting to make me feel like I'm really a pusher, nagger, drama queen, controlling, stupid at times, etc. I get it...I'm not the perfect wife..., but I would like to be some version of the perfect woman of what he expects me to be. My self-steem is really gonna start needing a boost sooner than later if this keeps going on. I have talked with him many times on how we need to talk about problems in our relationship rather than leave them for later and never talk about them ever, but I guess you can't really change a person. He says he is happy, he just doesn't like it when "I make a big deal out of nothing". I love him to death, and I want to make this work...but how can I do this when it feels like he's not willing to commit?! He's always saying how he's going to leave me next time we have an argument, and I keep telling him that I dont want to hold him back and see him unhappy (tho he has never said that), that If he wants to leave he should and pursue his happiness. I really never considered a divorce, I'm always optimistic thinking that I can work my marriage. I just can't do it alone. I have suggested a separation, but he says that if that happens I will never see him again.
I don't know what else to do.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

The fact is that you're not communicating. Couples may fight, but your fighting isn't getting you anywhere. And that is THE problem. 

You could try telling him that the therapist will probably tell him he's right, that there's nothing wrong with you as a couple, but just for you, would he please go to therapy so you'll feel better that the kind of fighting you do is normal.

He won't buy that, though. He'll say he sees no point in paying someone to tell him what he already knows. And you can't then accuse him of being afraid he is wrong because you know he's afraid he's wrong!

He's leaving you with few (if any) options. Separation = divorce to him. He's essentially threatened you on that one. 

He won't go see someone.

So you're going to have to make a unilateral decision as to what is best for you since he won't work WITH you on this.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

Adding to what dobo has said... you need to quit dragging old fights into new fights!

I may sound like an old record but I simply know this works.... *Focus on the positive things he does instead of all his faults.*
_
If we as wives could get this one things straight we would have so many less problems_!

We get more of what we focus on.... think and focus on his faults, they will only magnify and get worse.... focus and conciously make an effort to let him know what you do appreciate about him, and it may take some time, but the positive things WILL produce more positive stuff.


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