# psychiatrist recommended "no contact" separation?



## Lorraine M

Hubby suffers from depression, anxiety and had a bout of paranoia, severe, thought I was going to kill him. On meds 3 weeks, seeing psychiatrist 2 to 3 times per week. I've been into 2 sessions, first one was at beginning and doc appears to work from the school of regardless of illness, if you want it to work you say yes to each other and your needs are met. I'm iffy on that, but aside, I was shocked to hear how my husband blamed me for everything, some true, most not (like not "Letting him" socialize when the reality was I would get on him for not following up on invites for just him and/or us for years and our social circle has shrunk. 

Went to appt this past weekend with him and he is still blaming me for everything and trying to say my personality changes are the cause of his problem. I did have a change after three years of marriage and individual counseling I've learned to step back, not push to take control and set boundaries. Keeping it short because I have other posts regarding this, but at times prior to this obvious onset of paranoia and anxiety it did escalate, he broke a closet door, I threw glasses, he threw/broke my pc, all over a period of a week. He blames the fight where I threw the glasses (at a door, not him, first time in 20+ years of marriage I have done this and believe me I won't ever do it again but I was so hurt by a verbal shot he took) and he blames this last week with fighting for his problem. He couldn't believe I could be so mean. 

He's on 3 meds, at last appointment the doctor said this was some serious stuff and I don't trust him and he doesn't trust me (going back to a credit card incident a decade ago because I was afraid to talk money, and he said I bold faced lied to him about credit card balances, yes, I did, but there have been control issues and this is a very important thing that has just recently changed in our relationship, I no longer accepted his idea of an acceptable budget and have made him participate in how much things cost, listen to my opionions, which he has fought tooth and nail because he's a finance guy but his methods just aren't working for us, they are for the "ideal", and because of this we have accumulated some credit card debt but have the means to pay it, long story, but bascially we need what we need to make the house run, get the kid from point a to b, etc and even the doc said maybe he's unrealistic in his expectations, trust me, it's not fur coats and diamonds, plus house is at last 4 years of a 15 year mtg and he has a huge retirement, I don't live lavishly by anymeans and always try to stay in budget but sometimes you can't, the current debt is only because I lost my job and have been actively looking, if I get a job, that should be wiped out soon). The doc also called him out on a few things where he felt husband was baiting me or putting me in a no win situation. I'm not blame free, I wish I had learned years ago what I know now, but then again, look where we are at. Guess I would have been younger and not so tired if this happened then. Wish I hadn't gotten *****y... 

Anyhow, tonight doc increased his Celexa from 20mg to 40mg because he felt there should have been a bigger change, and changed his Ativan script but has recommended a no contact separation according to my husband. This weekend the doc said a separation would allow us time to collect and rest ourselves and we stopped having fun years ago and need to have fun again, but now it's no contact? My husband already cut me off from texting him but then texted me twice today to tell me good morning, good afternoon. My husband picked up his stuff after work to stay with his family until he gets an apartment (he's borrowing money from a relative) and I had to leave, then he wanted me to come home while he was here but as soon as I came in the garage he just waved and left, illness? misunderstanding, control? called me on the road when the phone charger got stuck in the car for help, but then only texted our daughter good night. HELP? 

My husband is a very black and white person and I don't know how accurate he is about docs recommendation, but he could be 100% on target. I'm nervous because he said 4 to 6 months and with a child and house in the summer, and pain in the butt mother and 4 animals, well crap...can I get a stress break as well? Not being snarky but if it's no contact then don't call me about the cell phone, and do your own laundry. How are we to start having fun if we don't at least meet for a lunch once a week in a neutral place? I'm willing to do whatever for a while to help him get better but is this normal? I'm not to do or say anything to upset him right now till meds kick in according to what doc told me. Some of our problems stemmed from doing nothing, I haven't been out to a club in years and miss it, I like quiet time but am also social and like to listen to bands and people watch..hubby stopped celebrating promotions, birthdays, etc...I don't want to see another summer of my life go poof.. I realize his lack of motivation was now the underlying illness but I don't want to spend all summer on my deck alone on Saturday nights and I don't want it to look bad if I start hitting some clubs with other married friends just to socialize and finally get out a little... Should I call the doc and see if I can get an appointment to find out what the expectations are? Should I just let him work it through? I do see the marriage counselor for individual counseling now and will ask him but I'm curious just how "no contact" works when you have a child and joint responsibilities.....and kids sports, and an anniversary this month and daughter's birthday next month.... Please help?


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## flippymendoza

Ok, I will just give you what I know from my own personal experience. My SO and I were fighting to the extreme last year, ending with me getting a black eye, long story. And so I moved out in November, but we still texted each other and talked on the phone, but we didn't visit each other. Then I intentionally let my phone bill lapse and get cut off so he wouldn't be able to call me and I wouldn't be tempted to call him. So for the entire month of December, we didn't speak to each other at all. The month of not talking to each other really gave me a lot of time to sort everything out in my head, what I want, and realize that what YOU want is just as important as what he wants. A marriage is a partnership - 50/50 (although sometimes its more like 90/10, but can't always be that way). If there are things you want to do, take this separation time to do them. Anyway, I found him through a mutual friend on New Year's Eve. I felt like a new person, a person he couldn't dictate because I was no longer under his reign, a person who knew what she wanted to do in life besides be his servant/mother/chef/etc. (My SO is hispanic, and they *can* be quite demanding of women). But, now it has been months of just visiting him on weekends and sometimes staying for a week at a time, and really I think whatever our problems were (maybe we were too "up in each other's business" ?) have been majorly reduced by the initial separation, and him just knowing that I am able to and WILL leave him if things get out of hand, has made quite a bit of difference. I think I'm getting off track here... But what I'm trying to say is, perhaps a month of no contact separation will help him to appreciate you more, like it did for me. But if you do decide to go through with it, do not respond to his texts, calls, emails, nothing. Do not do his laundry. The more you ignore him, the more he will probably miss you. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."


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