# Sexless newly weds



## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

My husband and I have been married 18 months, and in those 18 months we made love about 10 times, often going two or three months without.

I'm 31, and my husband is 44. We're from different cultures ... I was a virgin when we married, he had a most colorful sex life with all sorts of partners, and had even been married before. Because of my faith, I "saved" myself for the man I was going to marry, and simultaneously put all my hopes on my husband to give me a passionate, fulfilling love life. However, my husband has been regularly rejecting me since we got married.

I have not put on weight or changed in appearance. I'm fairly slim - not the curviest of girls, but it's not like he didn't already know that. I'm eager and willing to do whatever he wants to do or try in bed, and I have tried again and again to seduce him or start things, only to have him literally push me away and say "no". 

This has had incredible destructive effect on my mental and emotional health. I've been seeing therapists, been on antidepressants, had a miscarriage, and been suffering from anxiety/panic attacks for the last 8 months. I suffer from insomnia (I write this at 2 am), restlessness, clinical depression, and extremely high stress. 

We've talked about things so many times, and he's made so many promises to turn things around. Nothing has changed. I don't know the reason why he rejects me. Is it a low libido? Is it that he isn't attracted to me? Is it that he's "had enough" in his lifelong endeavours with other women before me? 

Even if it's a low libido ... he doesn't even give me a chance to arouse him. He actually pushes my hand away when I touch him. I'm at a complete loss ... I don't know what to do or who to talk to. As you can imagine, this isn't something you go chatting about to your friends at work. 

I love him, and I know he loves me. But this sexless marriage is slowly killing me. I would not consider an affair, as it goes against my faith. And a divorce would completely devastate me (I married him thinking I finally found my safe little corner in the world). 

I am venting, and hoping to hear any feedback or advice out there. Can anyone help at all ... please?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am not sure what faith you are from and I am only parroting what I have heard about the Catholic faith (I am an intelligent designer by name, I guess that's the closest). 

Repeat: I am not a Catholic apologist.

(and anyone who's read this. . .sorry for the repeat lecture)

Anyway, for a marriage to be valid, it must be a state of consummation. Consummation is not a 1 time thing your husband did on your wedding night taking your virginity. . .it's an ongoing process.

That is, if you aren't having sex, you aren't really married, especially at your age.

Now. . .this has nothing to do with love. Obviously, I can tell you love your husband. . .but I am not sure you should be married or he should have married you if this was gong to be the end result.

Annullment, while a last resort (and sorry for jumping to the last resort here) is a bonafide entitlement to women and men in your situation - it's there to protect you so don't feel shy about asking for it, if it comes to that.

Now. . .that being said, we don't know his side of the story here. . .that's why in a Catholic Church it goes before a tribunal to uncover all the facts.

Take it from me though - don't go through your 30's in a sexless marriage - I did - 3 kids later - and a divorce, it was a mistake and error in judgment I made.

Hopefully there is some emotional, spiritual or physical issue that needs addressed here and your marriage can be in a state of consummation and therefore valid. (if it's indeed been made invalid - again, not enough details here to make that determination)


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, now that I discussed one faith and it's apparent view on sex and marriage, let me throw this out to you to be more constructive.

Could it maybe be (and it's just a theory), that your virginal nature may be intimidating to him?

I am reminded of the old Seinfeld episode where Jerry is dating a virgin and him and George are talking about it and George says, "I don't think I could do it. I don't want to be remembered to be her first. I think I want to be forgotten."

(which Jerry says that should be easy, lol)

Anyway, it's probably off-color humor for your situation but I think the writers may have touched on something. He could still kind of view you as "virginal" and not "naughty" enough maybe?

It's a shot in the dark but are you sexual around the house with him - you know - when he's sitting on the kitchen chair come over and feed him your breasts, walk around pantyless, whatever. . .you know. . .be a little sleazy for him?

It's just a thought. I don't think it would make a difference to me but maybe it does to some guys.


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Okay, now that I discussed one faith and it's apparent view on sex and marriage, let me throw this out to you to be more constructive.
> 
> Could it maybe be (and it's just a theory), that your virginal nature may be intimidating to him?
> 
> ...



It could be that ... I don't know. I am of course "innocent" compared to his level of experience, and I sometimes needed a bit of encouragement, but I came into this marriage fully prepared to be as "naughty" as he wants me to be. I almost dragged him to a sex shop a couple of times to buy toys we could use for added fun ... he wasn't interested. I'm not "sleazy" around the house anymore, but I used to do all sorts of things at the start of the marriage. My enthusiasm has been long deflated. I don't wear sexy underwear anymore because he doesn't even notice.

One thing I didn't mention -- he doesn't really kiss me either. One peck when he comes home from work is all I've been getting for months. Despite that, he's very happy to cuddle up to watch tv, or hold me as we drift to sleep. 

I'm not catholic, but my faith states exactly the same. I guess we're not really married, we're more like room mates. If he has a physical problem, I'm happy to support him if he gets treatment. But doing nothing about it is just going to eventually end things


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

To wait THIS LONG for the thrill of your life and have this happen ! NO way, YOU Need to talk to him NOW, tell him this was NEVER in the plans, not acceptable, you have waited patiently and saved yourself , you have a lifetime of pent up passion you want to release, if he is not willing to be a part of this, not willing to open up, communicate what is going on with him, get the annulment, run! 

You are way too young to go on like this. The age difference may be playing a factor here also. Imagine when you are 40 and he is mid 50's. His testosterone will only get lower and lower each year. He needs to be willing to meet you half way here. DO not let your faith stand in the way of your happiness in life. YOu deserve to be loved, touched, desired and wanted by the man you love & married. NOTHING LESS. 

God gives us wisdom, he knows we NEED that. He will understand .


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> To wait THIS LONG for the thrill of your life and have this happen ! NO way, YOU Need to talk to him NOW, tell him this was NEVER in the plans, not acceptable, you have waited patiently and saved yourself , you have a lifetime of pent up passion you want to release, if he is not willing to be a part of this, not willing to open up, communicate what is going on with him, get the annulment, run!


You basically summed it up, there! Yes, I have a lifetime of pent up passion, and thought that this marriage would be my release. Nope. The tension is pretty much eating away at my sanity. 

I have talked, and talked, and talked. I have tried in so many ways to explain to him the impact our sexless life is having on my mental and emotional health. I'm irrationally hating the women in his past for "having" him the way that I never had him. When do you decide that enough is enough? I love him so deeply, and I keep wondering which option is less painful: to leave him, or spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage?


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm not condoning his behavior even a little bit, but if you are truly curious to learn what the problem is, I have a suggestion. 

Very directly, ask your husband what turns him on. Instead of trying to guess what it is, ask him what specifically what _you_ can do to spice things up. This doesn't mean you have to do what he asks, but his response should offer clues. Get him to elaborate about why it turns him on. I am a guy. If my wife asked me this honestly [without an agenda], it would send me into orbit with excitement.

If he's a sensitive guy, he may be tempted to lie in order not to hurt your feelings. Try your best to appear open and excited by the prospects rather than jealous or angry. If he still refuses to be transparent after you offer him a "safe place," there may be an anger or resentment problem or perhaps something he is hiding which you must uncover. 

His response should point you in the right direction.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

gerrypony said:


> I "saved" myself for the man I was going to marry, and simultaneously put all my hopes on my husband to give me a passionate, fulfilling love life. However, my husband has been regularly rejecting me since we got married.


ive gone through this with my H. it was horrible. even though i dont hate him anymore im still pretty resentful about my sex life. but i dont believe in divorcing just because the sex is bad. my H is great in every other aspect. 

My H would never give me an answer about why he pushed me away. i became obsessed with trying to understand why, and what was going on. it took me awhile to realize i was the only one that really cared. i was the only one putting effort into it. i went to counseling and was introduced to boundaries. that was an eye opener for me. since then i realized that i was giving him more then he deserved- and maybe even could handle. i was pushing my needs on him because i wanted him to make me happy. and in treating him as an object of my happiness i was completely ignoring the outward signs of his boundaries. i needed him to be what i wanted, so i pushed him. it was painful, but i slowly backed off. step one to you healing is to learn about boundaries. 

it was really hard to back off and i hated him for a long time. my temper got the better of me. im still a little bitter about it all, and sometimes i get angry still, but its few and far between these days. i dont focus all that much on him anymore. our sex life is still bad, but i rarely think about it.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, here's what I suggest:

1. Analyze it for awhile professionally. Get some help with a sex therapist, a doctor, etc. and see if this can be resolved.

2. Don't overanalyze it. That's the problem with withholding sex from a partner or not engaging it. . .you start to figure it's something you are doing, yadda, yadda, and drive yourself crazy when obviously the problem is most likely his.

Set an agenda and if you have to pull the trigger, you have to pull the trigger. I"m sorry. But it doesn't mean you don't love him. . .it just only means you are not married and not "mates" because you aren't mating.

You know. . .there's a larger dimension to sex that we are forgetting here - children. YOu are 31 and I assume you want children. Wellllllll. . .sex is how you get there unless I didn't get the memo from the forum.

I cna't read his mind and neither can you. . .but you need to put a time limit on this, based on your mental health and your biological clock.

Also know that is VERRRRY common and this forum has been instrumental to realize I wasn't some testosterone-laden oaf in my frustration with my wife as I can see there are many husbands and wives in your predicament.

Good luck and I'm sorry.


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> You know. . .there's a larger dimension to sex that we are forgetting here - children. YOu are 31 and I assume you want children. Wellllllll. . .sex is how you get there unless I didn't get the memo from the forum.
> 
> I cna't read his mind and neither can you. . .but you need to put a time limit on this, based on your mental health and your biological clock.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I desperately want kids, and so does he actually. We got pregnant 5 months ago with one well-timed act, but I miscarried at 7 weeks due to stress and anxiety I assume. Now I'm scared of getting pregnant again, and experience a raging desire for him (again) that would go unsated, and lose the baby as a result (again). I'm going to wait until we are safer in the relationship. There's no point even trying for a baby until then. 

We are seeing a therapist, but she insists we should address the communication issues/power struggles before we even attempt to solve our intimacy issues. My husband agrees ... as he says that the negative atmosphere at home even when we're not arguing kills any potential for intimacy.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

gerrypony said:


> "he had a most colorful sex life with all sorts of partners, and had even been married before"


Your husband deceived you. Perhaps he was married, but all the other was just a colorful painted picture of deception. I wouldn't doubt what you experience with him in your marriage also contributed to his divorce. Sorry to say, but I think he is interested in men and not women, but he's too down low (in the closet) to admit it. Lots of men do this, only few are open and honest with their wives about it. He's making you take full responsibility for your fractured sex life, but he knows full well it has nothing to do with you and is no reflection on you. The very idea that he allows and encourages your mental and emotional stress is appalling.


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

I think you should start looking for a sexy man somewhere else, and when you find him, tell your husband your marriage is over. He has had a lot of sex fun with women, so go and get yours so you can have several children before you get too old.

You sound like you could be hot and sexy in bed, with your desire to try anything to please the man of your dreams. 

Find a guy nearer your age and the sex will be awesome.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Can't really disagree with Keely and I am not going to try to trump your therapist. . .but crap. . .I get tired of hearing all this "communication issues" and yadda, yadda, yadda, psychobabble, psychobabble, psychobabble.

Take your clothes off and get busy for crying out loud.

Less yacking and more F***ing!!!

Okay, hang in there. . .go through the psychoanalysis but don't get "Paralysis by analysis" either.

I will say I have seen this phenomenon in some men. . .they think all the sexual releasing gets done in bachelorhood with his "colorful" past but when I get married, well. . .I'll marry someone like mom and treat her like "Mother". . .just enough sex to have kids and nothing more.

Well, that's just wrong. You know what? He doesn't get on board, then treat this marriage as your "brief fling" and follow Keely's advice.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I am in a marriage like yours... power struggle is the main issue... he blames his insecurity about sex and intimacy on me by telling me I have the problem... Im a sex fiend (bc I want it more than 1-2 times per week) and also withholds sex, pushes me away when I try to kiss him etc. Things are complicated here bc I have 2 children who love him (not his). I dont want to dislodge them again. 

You are young and dont have children with him... the only thing I agree with your therapist on is to not have children yet... I have had 5 miscarriages since last April... all due to stress... from being pushed away and yelled at. Dont stay with this man, if you feel this badly now, it will only get worse. If I didnt have kids who loved my husband, I would have left already... he is a controlling selfish man, like a spoiled child who has to get his way.

Leave.


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Sorry to say, but I think he is interested in men and not women, but he's too down low (in the closet) to admit it. Lots of men do this, only few are open and honest with their wives about it. He's making you take full responsibility for your fractured sex life, but he knows full well it has nothing to do with you and is no reflection on you. The very idea that he allows and encourages your mental and emotional stress is appalling.


I strongly doubt that he's got any homosexual tendencies. He really did have a long line of girlfriends, and I've seen lots of evidence of that. He's got so much sexual experience that he's left me nothing that we could share together as a "first".


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

toolate said:


> I am in a marriage like yours... power struggle is the main issue... he blames his insecurity about sex and intimacy on me by telling me I have the problem... Im a sex fiend (bc I want it more than 1-2 times per week) and also withholds sex, pushes me away when I try to kiss him etc. Things are complicated here bc I have 2 children who love him (not his). I dont want to dislodge them again.
> 
> You are young and dont have children with him... the only thing I agree with your therapist on is to not have children yet... I have had 5 miscarriages since last April... all due to stress... from being pushed away and yelled at. Dont stay with this man, if you feel this badly now, it will only get worse. If I didnt have kids who loved my husband, I would have left already... he is a controlling selfish man, like a spoiled child who has to get his way.
> 
> Leave.


I desperately want children (with him), and I say this with tears in my eyes. What are my choices here? Sacrifice love of my life for a fulfilling sex life elsewhere? Is it really worth it? Or do I carry on for the rest of my life in a sexless marriage, possibly without children, but with a man who loves me?

I think I'm going to put a time limit on this marriage, say another year ... see how things turn out. There was no change in the past 18 months despite endless promises for change, but I don't want to leave until I've completely and utterly exhausted all my resources. I've been burned out for a year, I might be able to go on another one before I make a decision.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

You are kidding yourself, or in denial, if you believe this man loves you. A man who loves a woman doesnt deceive, doesnt push away and doesnt do the things your husband is doing to you, period.

Please leave and start anew with someone who actually loves you, not someone who is neglectful and emotionally abusive to you. I know its hard to break free of the denial that is so deep that you believe he loves you, but based on what you explain it is clear he does not. I also understand not wanting to divorce for religious or personal belief reasons... but in this type of case you would be selling your soul to the devil incarnate if you live your days with this man who treats you this way. Break free.

My advice is the same... leave.


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## husband1987 (Dec 13, 2011)

I can beat that. I'm a 24 year old male and my wife and I might if I'm lucky have sex once a month. We've barely been married a year.


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