# Help! Please!



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I don't have too much time to type out my whole story but to be breif; my husband has battled alcholism on and off our whole relationship, he dealt with depression, and has a bad temper. Don't get me wrong he has great qualities too, hes a dedicated worker - never misses a day and works all the OT that is offered. He loves me and the kids with all of is being. Me, I can be a bit of a control freak (Which I think has a lot to do with my marriage) - clean freak (I can agree to this label).. I'm tightly wound and have a hard time relaxing and enjoying the simple things in life at times. The problem is him and I have nothing in common anymore. We have hurt each other so much in the past that our relationship became tainted. Our fights kept getting louder, meaner, and more frequent. We decided mutually to split (After I took off my ring months ago and have been asking for a divorce for over a year.. he finally agreed it was for the best for everyone) Well now he is the strong one and I am the weak one. I don't get it. I asked for this. This is what I wanted. I was so unhappy for so long. Now i'm shattered. I loved him more in the last week then I have in the past 5yrs. Is this normal?? Is this just because I'm hurting over the fact that this is actually happening??? We told our daughters, my youngest is sooo sad. I am trying so hard to keep it together for her and to do everything I can to make this a smooth transition but I'm dying inside! I can barely hold back my tears at work. Please!! Tell me how this goes! What can I expect??


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

firefairy said:


> Well now he is the strong one and I am the weak one. I don't get it. I asked for this. This is what I wanted. I was so unhappy for so long. Now i'm shattered. I loved him more in the last week then I have in the past 5yrs. Is this normal?? Is this just because I'm hurting over the fact that this is actually happening???


When you say "now he is the strong one"... has he stopped drinking? Have you stopped fighting?

It is normal to second-guess your decision, especially one as life-altering as divorce. But it sounds like maybe you really aren't ready for your marriage to be over.

Is there a chance he will go to AA, go to counseling for anger management, and go to marriage counseling with you -- take the necessary steps to repair and save your marriage? If so, then it's worth a shot.

If you think he is just "acting strong" but nothing has really changed in terms of his drinking and other issues, then stay the course with the split.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

He's not drinking right now. He was sober for 6 months and then started again recently.. but stopped because 'he won't give me an excuse to put the blame on him and leave him for drinking.' He always has to have one up on me. He always thinks i'm keeping score and playing the blame game. It drives me crazy. He never sees me for who I am. In his eyes I'm still the immature 22 yr old he met 12 years ago! He shoots down all my dreams and goals for the future. I don't like talking to him because he turns everything against me. It's like our relationship is a game to him! He always thinks i'm trying to mother him. He will start drinking again as soon as the split is complete. That is a fact!!! Thats the life he wants "he wants to be able to live his life his way without feeling guilty or bad about his choices"!

When I said he is the strong one, I meant - He's always told me 'I was stuck with him forever, that he was never going anywhere' but now i'm a bucket of tears over this and he is showing no emotion. The guy that would always cry and beg me not to leave is trying to get this over with as fast as he can.

We've been together almost 12yrs - Married for almost 6yrs.
He never cheated! He was a faithful man.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

firefairy said:


> He always has to have one up on me...
> 
> He always thinks i'm keeping score and playing the blame game...
> 
> ...


These are all statements YOU wrote about him in your own words. Go back and read them over and over.

Now, ask yourself "Is THIS the kind of person I want to be married to?" I think you already know the answer.

Stick to your plans to divorce him. You deserve someone who treats you well and loves you for who you are. Not someone who plays games and tries to manipulate you.

It is normal to feel sad, scared, and have doubts. Divorce is the death of a marriage and you will go through a grieving process. Don't let this normal sadness "trick" you into staying.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

If I wanted to divorce someone I'd go to court, not TAM.

The way I read it, sounds like you still love him.

HAPPY AS A CLAM made a laundry list of your complaints against H. You'll never be happy with anyone if you keep a list of their transgressions against you. Forgiveness! 

You also mentioned his good points. Too bad the two of you couldn't focus on the good with each other instead of the bad.

You know how he is. You said you sometimes control things. But some things you cannot control. But you can control how you react to things. You can let go of resentment and replace it with gratitude. Resentment will kill the love and make you look elsewhere. 

Go slow and think. Unless of course there's physical abuse. Don't be a punching bag. Have you two talked calmly? There's a fine line between forgiveness and becoming somebody's doormat. Only you can determine this.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thank you for your input. 

I just feel the need to vent a lot lately! :-(

I know we are doing the right thing. It just hurts.. a lot. And of course I am scared. 

Maybe God is giving me what I need because he knows that if my soon to be ex was begging to stay I would prob feel bad and take him back like I always do/did.. maybe he is helping my 'ex' be strong so that I can have the strength to see this through this time!! Now that we told our daughters yesterday.. there is no turning back. I just got to get through this rough part so i can begin to heal! :-(


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

You are right, I do still love him. I love the idea of the person I get a glimpse of everyone once in a while. But fighting 5 out of the 7 days of the week is not good.. what am I teaching my daughters? That it’s ok to live in a relationship like this.. that it’s ok for daddy to hit and slam things when he’s mad. That it’s ok for mommy to lay in bed all day because she just don’t have the energy to be around her spouse because he just makes me feel soo sad and mad all the time. 

But you are right.. this isn’t just about me.. it’s about him to. He deserves someone that loves the things he does. He deserves someone that doesn’t feel all this resentment for him. He deserves more than I can give him. 

I tried to forgive but every time I put myself out there he hurt me again.. I stopped putting myself out there.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

firefairy said:


> Thank you for your input.
> 
> I just feel the need to vent a lot lately! :-(
> 
> ...


There is always time to turn back as long as both you and your husband want to.

Your problems sound to me like personality conflict.
This can be dealt with through solid communication.

Have you two been able to sit down and have a calm discussion about your troubles without fighting?

If there is no abuse and still love on both sides it's not a bad idea to give it a serious chance.

Have you discussed marriage counselling?
Sometimes when a couple finds it difficult to talk without hurt feelings, anger, and resentment, it helps to have a third party to keep everyone on an even keel and teach you how to talk to each other.

Has counselling been discussed?
What would his attitude towards it be?


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

He is against counseling. He thinks its all a money scam and a waste of time. 

Problem is he will always be a drinker. He believes that it is part of his idenitity and that without it he is not being himself. He comes from a long line of drinkers. His dad is a heavy drinker and thats how they bond.. so he blames me for the time he lost with his dad while he was sober for thise 6 months. 

But you are right, it does have a lot to do with communication. We can't communicate. He flips my words and takes offense to everything or he believes I have a hidden message. I can't communicate with him because I feel like I constantly have to defend myself or that I'm being shut down.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

You're still focusing on him. You'll never be happy if your happiness is dependent upon the words and actions of others.

You can't control some things. You love people as they are, not how you want them to be. 

You choose how you see him. You choose to stay in bed when you feel sad and mad. You choose to fight. You choose to get upset when he slams things when he's angry (personally I laugh when I see people do that).

I'm sure he's got issues, but I wonder how he would react if you didn't fight, didn't stay in bed, and ignored his slamming of things when he's angry?

We teach people how to treat us. You told him you wanted a divorce. How do you think that rejection makes him feel?

You're threatening it because your desperate and want him to change. But you can't control another person. You can control you. Be happy and make a good life for yourself and your kids. That's attractive to good men with love in their hearts. 

It's a relationship. The problems are 50/50. How you act is on you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

firefairy said:


> Problem is he will always be a drinker. *He believes that it is part of his idenitity and that without it he is not being himself.* He comes from a long line of drinkers. His dad is a heavy drinker and thats how they bond.. so he blames me for the time he lost with his dad while he was sober for thise 6 months.


Sorry folks, but if he is a hard core alcoholic who doesn't see his drinking as a problem and won't quit to save his marriage, improving communication skills isn't going to help.

You can "communicate" until the cows come home, but if he is an abusive drinker, she's in for years of misery.

If he won't go to counseling and won't stop drinking, I say it's time to pull the plug. I think firefairy should follow her instincts on this one.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Sorry folks, but if he is a hard core alcoholic who doesn't see his drinking as a problem and won't quit to save his marriage, improving communication skills isn't going to help.
> 
> You can "communicate" until the cows come home, but if he is an abusive drinker, she's in for years of misery.
> 
> If he won't go to counseling and won't stop drinking, I say it's time to pull the plug. I think firefairy should follow her instincts on this one.


I agree. 

The question I have is why is this a problem now? Did she suddenly wake up one day realize. ...hmmmm, he likes to drink?

She's known about this all along. She wrote it's been like this the whole relationship. 

So has he become an abusive drunk, or does his drinking bother her now?


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Of course I’m focused on him.. My relationship of 12 years is ending. As bad as we both treated each other at times.. we were both there for each other too. Of course I’m feeling mixed feeling of hurt, resentment, anger and sadness. He is comfortable.. without him my world is unknown. 

You are right.. I can’t control him or his actions, I can only control my own. But lets be honest; sitting back while he lived his life the way he wants to live it would only leave me miserable and alone. I don’t share his interest for drinking, listening to old country music on youtube, hiking in the woods looking for scrap. That’s not me, that’s not who I am. Opposite attract worked in the beginning but since then all it has done is push us so far away from each other that we live with strangers. He doesn’t share my interest either and with him I will never live my life to the fullest unless we decided to live in the same house living completely separate lives just trying not to get angry or stepping on each other’s toes.

N you are right.. it is my decision to lay in bed.. but I’ve found that our fights are becoming so physically draining the I barely have enough energy to walk upstairs to the bedroom. It’s taking it’s effects on my physically as well as mentally.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

It’s always been a problem.. but I have always been a fool to broken promises! I’m just hurting and need to vent. I’m looking for strength to get through this. That’s it!! Not the blame game. I made mistakes too. Just strength. Words of wisdom. Advice from people that understand what I’m going through.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

firefairy - as an alcoholic, and a codependent, I see a lot of my STBXW in your posts. You are not a control freak, you are very codependent. If you haven't yet, you should do a few things:

1. Go to an Al Anon meeting
2. Purchase/download to Kindle - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
3. Fix you! You can not fix him! 

Understand, all of your posts are stating things about him, fixing him, loving him, etc. You are so focused on him that you are overlooking your own issues.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

firefairy said:


> He is against counseling. He thinks its all a money scam and a waste of time.
> 
> Problem is he will always be a drinker. He believes that it is part of his idenitity and that without it he is not being himself. He comes from a long line of drinkers. His dad is a heavy drinker and thats how they bond.. so he blames me for the time he lost with his dad while he was sober for thise 6 months.
> 
> But you are right, it does have a lot to do with communication. We can't communicate. He flips my words and takes offense to everything or he believes I have a hidden message. I can't communicate with him because I feel like I constantly have to defend myself or that I'm being shut down.


If he won't learn to communicate, won't quit drinking, and thinks counselling is a waste, there's not much left for you to do.

Divorce him and move on.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Sorry folks, but if he is a hard core alcoholic who doesn't see his drinking as a problem and won't quit to save his marriage, improving communication skills isn't going to help.
> 
> You can "communicate" until the cows come home, but if he is an abusive drinker, she's in for years of misery.
> 
> If he won't go to counseling and won't stop drinking, I say it's time to pull the plug. I think firefairy should follow her instincts on this one.


I totally agree, I love him so much and as you I was the one who asked for separation and now in January he asked for divorce and also feel like he is the "strong" one... but neeeeeh! if he would have stopped drinking, that would be a strong man. I dont want him back the same way it was.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

My stbx can quit and go periods without drinking.. but when he's not drinking he feels lost. He thinks drinking is a part of his identity and without it, he's not himself. 
Lately he has not been drinking ( I think he is waiting until he moves out ) but he has been upping his dose of muscle relaxer at night for his back. If it's not one thing to numb him, it's another. 

I ordered the suggested book about co-dependency! I can't wait to get it!! Anything that can help me grow and better myself sounds good to me!

THe one thing that always kept me from leaving him was when he would always say 'I was stuck with him forever' - 'I was never getting rid of him' It made me feel like he loved me unconditionally and I was nothing but a fool to let someone like that go.. but since he agreed to the split, said some mean words, and took off his ring... It's like those little words that made me forgive all the crap he put me through won't work anymore.. they don't hold the same meanings! I'm finding my strength.. slowly!!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

firefairy said:


> My stbx can quit and go periods without drinking.. but when he's not drinking he feels lost. He thinks drinking is a part of his identity and without it, he's not himself.
> Lately he has not been drinking ( I think he is waiting until he moves out ) but he has been upping his dose of muscle relaxer at night for his back. If it's not one thing to numb him, it's another.
> 
> *I ordered the suggested book about co-dependency! I can't wait to get it!! Anything that can help me grow and better myself sounds good to me!*
> ...


I think, when you read a few chapters, that you are going to believe the book was written "just for you". It is an eye opener.

I would strongly suggest you find an Al Anon meeting. Go for at least 6-8 meetings, then assess it and see if it is for you. I think you will be surprised.

Please remember, you cannot control people, for some reason they have their own minds. Go figure!!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I came off such a positive day yesterday.. now today is filled with 'Am i making the right decision.' The doubt came from reality smacking me in the face as he called about apartments. How come I keep feeling terrible when he is only doing what i am asking of him?! Maybe I want him to beg me to stay, tell me he loves me and is never letting me go. WHen really that would just make it harder to stay on course. Maybe it's all just me ego or a true test of my strength. Let the rollar coaster ride called - seperation - begin. 
My 9yr old daughter seemed very stressed out yesterday. It looked like she was sad and having a hard time staying focused. We were able to get her to laugh when we joked around with her and talked to her about anything and everything but the seperation.. but you can tell it's in the back of her mind haunting her. Breaks my heart to pieces. I can't believe that her first heart break is at the hands of my stbx and I. :-(


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

firefairy said:


> I can't believe that her first heart break is at the hands of my stbx and I. :-(


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> I can't believe that her first heart break is at the hands of my stbx and I. :-(


Same for my daughter.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Yesterday the pressure of life got to her and she broke down in tears. I hugged her, wiped away her tears, and told her I know her whole world is changing but everything was going to be ok! :-(

Last night was not an easy night. My stbx and I got in an argument when we started talking about the separation and money. I am trying to be reasonable, no child support, no alimony, just the two of us moving on trying to live decent lives. All I asked was that he pays for child care and our daughters sports because he makes more then I do. He had a FIT! Because I was being ‘controlling’ and telling him what he had to pay.. that everything always has to be my way?!? OK then, lets go to court and let them decide! I don’t have to be the winner here.. no one is the winner here.. this all sucks no matter how you slice it!! 

After we both cooled down and we were downstairs alone he started talking about the things he was taking with him when he moved. It was a more lighthearted conversation where we were actually able to laugh a little at the situation. But then he brought up me dating. I told him, I’m not interested in dating; I plan to go on a journey to find myself and find happiness within myself so that when I do start dating in the future, I won’t be carrying all this baggage of hurt and anger. He said ‘yea I should do that too.. I can live my life and not care what anyone else thinks. Who cares if people get mad.’ This reassured me that I am making the right decision.. as my list included – running, volunteering, etc.. nothing that would make anyone angry.. just good things for myself and others. 

I woke and smelled his scent in the room. It made me a little sad to know that it wouldn’t be much longer until that scent is gone. 


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I know how you feel fairfary, it is a rollercoaster, when he leaves I hope you dont get the feeling I had that was like "opening the door to the dog that was tied for years"... is sad, prepare for that one. 

But let him live his life, you will do great. Little by little, baby steps, I am feeling much better little by little. Perhaps is this upcoming 2.5 months trip I will take, I love to know new cultures and travel, he doesnt even like to go to the movies because the crowd of people. He feels as if everyone is talking on his back... 

Let them live their life and start on with ours; although is sad. It doesnt matter the age, our kids suffer, my 24th year old I know is mad at him, they dont talk often, each time more distant and that hurts me a lot. 

Have a wonderful day!


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

And about going to court... try to avoid it, but if it is not possible, he will loose, and he will realize it! Hopefully sooner than too late.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

If i'm letting a dog off it's chain all i can hope is that what happens once he is free doesn't come back to my ears! :-/

I think he rather avoid court too. I think some of the argument prob came from him talking to other people. 

I'm glad you are feeling better! Learning about different cultures in my plans too! I hope you have a fabulous vacation!


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