# I know I'm probably to blame, but.... (long)



## gerette64 (Aug 2, 2010)

Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum and am hoping for some guidance and advice.

I have been married to my husband for 11 years. This is my second marriage and we have a wonderful 9 year old son who is very close to both of us. My husband and I aren't soulmates, the marriage is okay, not phenominal. Things are kind of boring, but comfortable. I also have two sons from a previous marriage, now ages 23 & 20. My husband is not close to my older boys, and that has always bothered me and I have told him that. I, on the otherhand, have an extremely close relationship with all of my sons.

Well, this past week end my husband told me he is very unhappy with his home life, and hates coming home. :scratchhead: (He and I don't communicate well - I grew up in a hostile household with a lot of parental screaming/fighting, so I try to avoid conflict at all costs - which means we don't always express things "when" we should).

These seem to be the issues. Throughout our time together, we have always talked about moving south (we live in NY State). I honestly thought once my older boys were done with school, they would leave the area and I would have no guilt about moving. Well, they have stayed in the area, and don't seem to have plans to go elsewhere. My husband wants to start looking now to move, but, I just can't bear to move away from my sons. My husband says I have to stop living for the boys, and live for myself. I have always put my kids first, and have never once regretted that. (I would love to live in a warmer climate, but don't think I should choose the weather over the boys) He says it's not fair that I lead him to believe we'd move, now I'm turning the table. Honestly, it was not intentional, but that's how it's ending up.

Second problem........the oldest boy still lives home, which isn't the problem, but three years ago, he started dating a girl that lived about an hour away from us. She did not & does not have a license or a car, so we started letting her stay week ends (Friday & Saturday night) at our home, as long as she slept in the guest room. My husband has not liked it, but has tolerated it. This past week end, he has told me that he absolutely hates it, and hates coming home from work on Fridays because he knows we'll be having a houseguest. To me, it's not a big deal - she's kind of like a daughter - to him, it's a huge deal. I have always known he did not like it, but, I guess it bothers him more than I thought. (For the record, we have NEVER once let her sleep in my son's room with him.) 

The oldest boy would love to move out, but can't afford to right now. He is working full time, has a degree, but, doesn't make enough to swing his own apartment and expenses. The girlfriend is in school working on her masters and does not work so them pooling their resources is not an option.

The middle boy lives in an apartment just a few minutes from our home. His teen age years caused a rift between him and my husband. They aren't buddies, but they get along.

Let's see.......oh, the other thing he mentioned is that he says I'm not sympathetic to things he has a problem with. I did not express it to him at the time, but, I'm not sympathetic because he has been complaining about the same things for years and years. There is no sympathy left. Example - he hates his job. I'm tired of hearing it. I can't change that - only he can. If he hates it, find another one! He will go through periods where he will send out a few resumes, but then drops the ball. Then complains over and over about how much he hates his job. I just can't be sympathetic to repeated complaints if he does absolutely nothing to improve the situation.

Well........there it all is. Not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for. I know I'm kind of to blame. I certainly don't want my husband to be miserable and not want to come home, but, how do I change things a bit to keep everyone complacent? 

Thanks for taking the time to read this!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Your adult sons are just that - Adults. Its time for them to live their own lives. Mom doesn't have to be right down the street for that to happen. With cellphones, the internet - there is no lack of communication that can happen. If that is all that is keeping you from moving - I think its time to cut the cord. Moving doesn't mean you will be any less supportive of them and if they needed you in person you could make the trip to see them.

Oldest living at home - I'm finding it interesting that your middle son (20) can afford to be out on his own - renting his own apartment and paying his bills without a college education, but your oldest - who has a degree - can not do the same. Something just doesn't sound right. What expenses does he have that the middle one doesn't - maybe he should get a different job / 2nd job to get out on his own. Adults do that 

The girlfriend - your husband has just had his limits. He never has a weekend with his family anymore because the 'girlfriend' is there....every single weekend. He can't lay around in his underwear on a lazy Saturday morning - because the girlfriend is there. I don't really think its to much of him to ask for it to be not every weekend. Why doesn't your son go to her place some weekends? I'm assuming he does have a car. 

All in all - your husband feels like he is playing 2nd fiddle to your older sons. While they were still young, I can see him finding middle ground - but now he's still in 2nd place to 2 adult sons. Its time he got some preferential treatment.


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## gerette64 (Aug 2, 2010)

TNGirl - thank you for your quick response! 

You are right....they are adults now and my husband probably deserves some preferential treatment. I hadn't thought of that before! I will definately work on that!

Sorry, I guess I should have elaborated a little more on the middle boy! I still receive child support for him (until he is out of school), so 100% of his child support goes towards his rent/food/electric. The child support covers all of his living expenses, and he has a part time job to cover his spending and incidentals. That's how he can be out on his own and the older one can't. 

I know you are probably right about the moving situation, but I am just having a hard time with dealing with it that way. If they had moved away first, it'd be a different scenerio. With me moving first, I just don't feel right. I know they would be fine without me down the street........but, I don't know if I'd be fine. I guess it's my head that I need to figure out.

I suppose a compromise with the weekends needs to be worked on. He could stay at her place now. Before he couldn't because her stepfather wouldn't allow it, but a few months ago he left the picture - so that would be an option. It's just been this way for so long, I hadn't thought outside the box.

Thank you !


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Cut the cord gerette. I can totally and honestly understand your husbands frustrations. He married you to be his wife, soulmate and lover. Yet, you will not allow yourself to be you, only Mrs. "Super Mom". Think about it from his perspective.

Your sons will always be important, that's not a problem. But at their age they are adults now, they don't need to have their mom still taking care of them. I love my Mother with all of my heart, she is almost EXACTLY like you. I ended up moving about 4 hours away because I had to cut the strings, she wouldn't. She was always worrying about me, fussing over me, trying to cook, clean, etc for me. It caused problems with my then girlfriend (who is now my wife) in that my Mom was TOO involved with my life. At the time I didn't see it because it had always been that way. 

She (I assume You) are great, caring and loving mothers. But for a child to truly be successful at some point that have to learn to live on their own. So in my opinion do yourself, your hubby and your kids a favor and learn to let go a little bit. It will be hard, it will feel like your ripping your heart out of your chest. But after time goes on, you will see it is the right choice to make.


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## gerette64 (Aug 2, 2010)

Thank you Crypsys for a son's point of view that can be given first hand. You have shed light on an area I hadn't really thought about. I am probably to involved and need to step back. For all of our sake's.


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