# Wife left 2 days before christmas



## acw (Jan 1, 2012)

Ok I needed a place to get support and vent I guess. My wife of 12 years (we just had our 12 anniversary dec 10th) together for 14 years I’m 37 she is 36. 
She left two days before Christmas, now I am falling to pieces. About a month ago I started noticing changes in her; she would get angry over the slightest thing, yelling at the kids for not putting a drink in the fridge, etc. So one afternoon we were laying on the sofa together I was holding her, and I was in thought, she asked what was wrong and I said I have a question for you, she said what, I said are you or are you thinking of having an affair? So this begins the downward spiral, she said no but she has thought about having an emotional affair because she loves me but is not in love with me the way she used to be. At this point I lose it and start crying, I feel the as betrayed as if she had an affair. 
So we decided to go to a marriage counselor to work on the issues that made her fall out of love with me (money, not having compassion for other people?, not showing enough emotions, and me not wanting the kids attached to us at all times). In the time we have been waiting for the insurance company to approve a counselor it has been a total downward spiral. My nerves have been on edge and all I have done is worry, so the least off thing she says causes me to cry or get pissy. Now she has left and moved into her moms with my step-daughter because she says the crying is weak and makes her mad, me trying to grasp on to the pieces of our marriage is weak and, she wishes I would be a strong man like she used to love (yes she contradicts herself) and that nothing is going to change so why try to work it out. Now it seems nothing I do is right it's all wrong. I profess my love to her, it makes her mad, and she seems so cold and distant. It has been a hard year for her and us, her dad has been diagnosed with cancer, my 19yo step-son moved out, I worked 3rd shift for 6 months and we only saw each other for about 2 hours a day, I was very down in the dumps about not having a full-time job for almost 2 years, and her grandmother passed away Thanksgiving night. 

Now that she has been gone for a week I has been awful, I hold it together when my son is around but when he is gone I lose it, I cry on my drive to work and on the way home, if I hear her voice I cry, I am only sleeping about 4 hours a night with sleeping pills, I have lost 12lbs in 10 days. All I want to do is hear her voice and touch her. I am not angry at her I try to be but I can't, it would make it easier if I could be. 
I convinced her yesterday to go to at least 1 counseling session next week, but she says it’s only to help me deal with the separation not to fix our marriage.

I don't know what to do, she says to leave her alone unless it has something to do with the kids, so the other night she sent me a text and I didn't answer it, the next morning she sent several more and then started calling while I was at work, finally she sent a text saying she was calling the cops to do a welfare check to make sure I hadn’t hurt myself, so I sent her a message saying that I was leaving her alone like she had asked and not to bother me at work. That evening when I got home there was a message on the machine from that morning, with her begging me to call her because she is worried?

I don't know anymore I am dying inside, everyone says to give her some space and maybe she will come around, but I feel that she is just trying to push me out of her heart with anger.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I take it that you do not have any children with her?

You have seen that not being available to her all of the time gets her attention. Take a break from taking about anything emotional with her for a couple of weeks.Talk about the weather, the news, the kids.. anything except your feelings for her, your being depressed, etc. 


Take a look at the 180 in my signature block. It's a bit strong for what I think you need to be being now.. don't go quite that far yet. But protect yourself emotionally. You will need to limit your interactions with her until you can get a handle on your own emotions.

I hate to make this worse for you, but there is a chance that she is already in an Emotional Affair (EA) at this time. Is there anything that would make you think she is?


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## Tullytara (Dec 26, 2011)

my heart goes out to you, as my hubby did the same a week before christmas, sadly there is no hope for me as he spent last night with another woman, but i hope u get things sorted all i can say is trust ur friends. but prepare for the worst


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## acw (Jan 1, 2012)

No we have kids, my 14yo son stayed with me, my 16yo step-daughter went with her.




EleGirl said:


> I take it that you do not have any children with her?
> 
> You have seen that not being available to her all of the time gets her attention. Take a break from taking about anything emotional with her for a couple of weeks.Talk about the weather, the news, the kids.. anything except your feelings for her, your being depressed, etc.
> 
> ...


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## acw (Jan 1, 2012)

We had our first counseling session Saturday. I told the counselor that I was there to save the marriage, and she said that she was there for a separation. He basically told me that he couldn’t help us save the marriage unless she was willing. I am at the stage that I have cut her off from contact, for my own benefit and sanity, but I long to hear her voice. I am so upset that keeping it together at work is a challenge, most of the time I feel like I am a hollow shell of a person, just going through the motions of life now. I will be having my first counseling session by myself this weekend, to help deal with the pain and heartache. I really don’t know if it will help unless he can strip all the emotion and memories away.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

acw said:


> We had our first counseling session Saturday. I told the counselor that I was there to save the marriage, and she said that she was there for a separation. He basically told me that he couldn’t help us save the marriage unless she was willing. I am at the stage that I have cut her off from contact, for my own benefit and sanity, but I long to hear her voice. I am so upset that keeping it together at work is a challenge, most of the time I feel like I am a hollow shell of a person, just going through the motions of life now. I will be having my first counseling session by myself this weekend, to help deal with the pain and heartache. I really don’t know if it will help unless he can strip all the emotion and memories away.


My MC said the exact same thing to us. I was there to save the marriage, she wanted to leave. He said there was no common ground to work from and that was that. 

I have found it difficult to apply the 180 rules. She was here last night to pick up forms to get "our" vehicle in my name. She is coming back tomorrow night for bill/banking arrangements. It is very hard seeing her... I want this to work so badly, but she needs time/space to figure things out (career importance, if there is hope for us), yet she sees it as more of a break than anything final at this point. I feel like I'm plan B. 

Like you, it's a struggle getting through every day, but I have to say I'm in a better place than I was a month ago (actually, tomorrow Dec 11th marks the 1-month anniversary of the bomb drop).

If it's meant to be, I wish you the best in reconciling your relationship. If that's not possible, I wish you strength.

Sad to see so many similar stories on this forum, and you know this is just a sample of what's out there. Feel like we're in the age of disposable relationships... not happy? Out with the old and upgrade.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Take your son with you on a little trip over the weekend (fishing, skiing, snowboarding, camping) and have a good time with him.


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## acw (Jan 1, 2012)

Our MC told us that we had and have common ground, but she is unwilling at this time to look past the bad and remember all the good.
The 180 is hard to do especially when I don't contact her, but she finds some reason to contact me almost everyday. Eventhough I made her get everything from the house that was hers so that she couldn't keep using that as an excuse. 
The only thing we share now other than the kids 16 and 14 (they both have phones and can call either one at any time if needed) is car insurance, and taxes. I told her yesterday that after our taxes are filed that she has no other reason to contact me unless it is an emergancy.




canguy66 said:


> My MC said the exact same thing to us. I was there to save the marriage, she wanted to leave. He said there was no common ground to work from and that was that.
> 
> I have found it difficult to apply the 180 rules. She was here last night to pick up forms to get "our" vehicle in my name. She is coming back tomorrow night for bill/banking arrangements. It is very hard seeing her... I want this to work so badly, but she needs time/space to figure things out (career importance, if there is hope for us), yet she sees it as more of a break than anything final at this point. I feel like I'm plan B.
> 
> ...


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