# here's a strange thing



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When my wife had her affair, I was broken-hearted.
But I didn't cry.
When I had my stupid revenge affair 
I lost it and sobbed my heart out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You have a weird relationship with your wife, atleast on some level;.

I haven't said this before but you did not deal with her affair properly..She has some weird control over you..Maybe the good outweighs the bad.And you blame all the bad on her Aspergers


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> When my wife had her affair, I was broken-hearted.
> But I didn't cry.
> When I had my stupid revenge affair
> I lost it and sobbed my heart out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You cried because you broke a vow you said you would never break. You betrayed yourself also, not just your wife. You gave a piece of your soul away when you cheated. When she cheated all she did was betray you but you still had your dignity and honor (or whatever you want to call it).


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Was it revenge? What's the point of that? I doubt it was revenge.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You definitely coped with it differently than I did. I must have cried an entire year or more.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Only you can truly know the answer to this.

It is deep inside you. Without truly letting yourself come out, you will not know.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I sobbed my eyes out when I was thinking of my life being over. 


However when it was about her affair I cried, in anger. 

Tears have always been tied into my anger personally. 

I'll get so pissed and then they won't stop flowing which sucks when I'm mad about someone whose trying to step to me.

Makes me look like a crying b!tch at the times where I'm not throwing punches.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I sobbed my eyes out when I was thinking of my life being over.
> 
> 
> However when it was about her affair I cried, in anger.
> ...


Kasler, I learned long ago that you never want to fight a guy who's crying because you'll get the worst ass-kicking of your life.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Total truth Count!!!

I told my IC last week I am finished crying. Since the huge blowout that played out live at the Reconciliation thread on 8/30. I don't think I have any more tears to spare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I've cried,a lot sometimes.
While she was knee deep in her affair I broke down a couple times and cried in front of her only to have her tell me I was unmanly.
Last night I cried when she fell asleep on the couch.
It was as close as I can get to crying in front of her,it kinda felt good.When she started to wake up I made myself stop.
I've cried in front of her when people I loved have died and she comforted me.
I cant cry in front of her ever again,I dont need my wife telling me that I'm not a man ever again.
It sucks I wish I could.
You never cried M&M? Over what happened,not even alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> When my wife had her affair, I was broken-hearted.
> But I didn't cry.
> When I had my stupid revenge affair
> I lost it and sobbed my heart out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cheat on me, not a tear, but make me watch "Field of Dreams" and I blubber my eyes out when his dad comes out to play catch with him. 

I wondered frequently why I did not cry over my broken heart, but I guess everyone's propensity is different.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You have a weird relationship with your wife, atleast on some level;.
> 
> I haven't said this before but you did not deal with her affair properly..She has some weird control over you..Maybe the good outweighs the bad.And you blame all the bad on her Aspergers


Control? Not sure I'd agree with that. But the good does outweigh the bad. 

And I know I didn't deal with her affair, properly. Which resulted in my stupid revenge affair. Hmm. I have just realised something. Perhaps my revenge affair did work to reconcile us? But I cannot reccomend revenge affairs. Too much heartache for both parties.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calvin said:


> I've cried,a lot sometimes.
> While she was knee deep in her affair I broke down a couple times and cried in front of her only to have her tell me I was unmanly.
> Last night I cried when she fell asleep on the couch.
> It was as close as I can get to crying in front of her,it kinda felt good.When she started to wake up I made myself stop.
> ...


I can't remember crying during her affair, Calvin. However, there's a lot that I have blanked out. Some stuff I remember, but there are gaps. 

I was ill with Glandular Fever for a while when her affair was going, that might have had something to do with it.

But I do remember drinking a hell of a lot, too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> You cried because you broke a vow you said you would never break. You betrayed yourself also, not just your wife. You gave a piece of your soul away when you cheated. When she cheated all she did was betray you but you still had your dignity and honor (or whatever you want to call it).


Oh my God. That's so true. It is more true than I can actually say at the moment. Wow. Thank you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Was it revenge? What's the point of that? I doubt it was revenge.


Revenge? Wanting to take something back? Wanting to get some emotional support that I could not get at home? Maybe?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calvin said:


> I've cried,a lot sometimes.
> While she was knee deep in her affair I broke down a couple times and cried in front of her only to have her tell me I was unmanly.
> Last night I cried when she fell asleep on the couch.
> It was as close as I can get to crying in front of her,it kinda felt good.When she started to wake up I made myself stop.
> ...


Calvin, your wife did not really think you were unmannly. Sometimes what people say is not what they mean.

"Stop crying. It is unmanly" really means: "Oh, my God! The love of my life is crying his eyes out! And it is my fault! Yet I can't tell him that, because I can't admit to that! I wish he would stop crying! It is making me realise how badly I have hurt him! How can I stop him, then? Oh... I know! I'll tell him it is unmanly!"


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I agree, what does she expect, that you be inhuman?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I can't remember crying during her affair, Calvin. However, there's a lot that I have blanked out. Some stuff I remember, but there are gaps.
> 
> I was ill with Glandular Fever for a while when her affair was going, that might have had something to do with it.
> 
> But I do remember drinking a hell of a lot, too.


Cry,drink,insomnia,Bumed out,depressed.....
Its all crying but in a different way I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mattmatt?

Wtf is wrong with you!

Cry if you want! But you've been on this forum long enough you don't question yourself. It is what it is. You act how you act. 

You are man! You are alpha! You roar! You cry! Same. Same!

You are just you!


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I drenched my bed with tears and snot on dday, got an hour
of sleep and went into work the next day looking like walking death.

I mourned my wife that night, ALL night, with her sitting right next
to me while looking at me like I was a child having a meltdown
in the middle of the grocery store or something.

It felt more like a funeral.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> When my wife had her affair, I was broken-hearted.
> But I didn't cry.
> When I had my stupid revenge affair
> I lost it and sobbed my heart out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A and RA are good ingredients for a marriage disaster. I wonder how your relationship has survived. Amazing.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You cried, maybe, you think you lost your moral grounds! Power in the relationship equation is lost?


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> When my wife had her affair, I was broken-hearted.
> But I didn't cry.
> When I had my stupid revenge affair
> I lost it and sobbed my heart out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so few words, *so powerful.*

and i have learned from everyone's responses to you as well.

i guess some people are without much empathy or morality, and they are just out to get away with whatever they can, BUT: for most of us, this whole thing is a deep f'ing pit of pain for everyone.

sounds weird, but i am sitting here feeling such a tug at my heart about us humans. we never set out to hurt ourselves and each other but we did


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I did this only not in his presence-I did it alone while he was at work carrying out his affair or while he slept like a baby and I was fetal in the bathroom floor. But when he had his eyes on me it was game on. He didnt see me cry until probably 3 mos after dday. And probabaly only once since. Ive done it several times but I wont give it to him. I dont know why I feel that way, but I do. He has cried far far more than me. Though strangely, my heart is truely broken.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Calvin, your wife did not really think you were unmannly. Sometimes what people say is not what they mean.
> 
> "Stop crying. It is unmanly" really means: "Oh, my God! The love of my life is crying his eyes out! And it is my fault! Yet I can't tell him that, because I can't admit to that! I wish he would stop crying! It is making me realise how badly I have hurt him! How can I stop him, then? Oh... I know! I'll tell him it is unmanly!"


Altho I do not remember saying that to him. You are right Mattmatt, the guilt was eating me up but then I kept talking to the OM. Wish Calvin will trust me some day to cry with me. I think he feels like he has to put his guard up. I have cried, gotten sick and lost weight and sleep over what I did. When others do things I forgive easily, yet never have I been cheated on so I cannot say how I would feel if it was flipped. It is hard to have dignity, self respect, I feel so ugly and battle witth liking myself after what I did. I guess what I'm saying is I get why you were devistated by what you did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> A and RA are good ingredients for a marriage disaster. I wonder how your relationship has survived. Amazing.


Yes. I agree. It's amazed me, to be truthful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Altho I do not remember saying that to him. You are right Mattmatt, the guilt was eating me up but then I kept talking to the OM. Wish Calvin will trust me some day to cry with me. I think he feels like he has to put his guard up. I have cried, gotten sick and lost weight and sleep over what I did. When others do things I forgive easily, yet never have I been cheated on so I cannot say how I would feel if it was flipped. It is hard to have dignity, self respect, I feel so ugly and battle witth liking myself after what I did. I guess what I'm saying is I get why you were devistated by what you did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it was because I saw myself and did not like what I saw. 

But we won't do it again, will we?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> You cried, maybe, you think you lost your moral grounds! Power in the relationship equation is lost?


I cried because I realised I'd hurt my wife and that I had turned into a POS.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> When my wife had her affair, I was broken-hearted.
> But I didn't cry.
> When I had my stupid revenge affair
> I lost it and sobbed my heart out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wasnt going to comment on this but Matt you have been helpful to me so here goes my theory....
I did something similar although my ex and I did not get back together but here's the irony for me......
when my ex cheated - I was devastated but didnt cry to her because truth be known I cared so deeply for her that to open up that pain I would have gone beserk or cried endlessly so I put a wall up to protect myself but with the revenge stuff I bawled like a baby for numerous reasons
1) It was safer because i did not have as much invested in relationship so it was okay to cry.
2) displaced emotions from my ex's affair
3) I was the one doing it - and it changed me and my values.
4) (and this is only in my case) it meant it was over and i did not want it to be over. I never dreamed the day would come.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I drenched my bed with tears and snot on dday, got an hour
> of sleep and went into work the next day looking like walking death.
> 
> I mourned my wife that night, ALL night, with her sitting right next
> ...


That's exactly how it felt and still feels. Like a death, I'm still in mourning. I've cried for over a year every day. Course, I got more info about a month ago. The tears have since increased. We're all mourning what we thought we had. It is like the death of our spouse as we knew them. I no longer see mine as the same person. That person is gone and will never come back. Last night I ran into an old neighbor. She told me I looked sad. Wow. This experience has even changed the way people see me that don't even know. I've aged so many years.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

boogie110 said:


> MM- ALWAYS appreciate your comments and truth.
> 
> RA -- ya, so what? I'm all for them. Revenge is best served cold, right - and being from the north country - I know all about cold. I'm getting colder by the day- even in this 90 degree weather in the south country. You either have RA (or RA's) or you don't. No one has to join the club. And the people who do not have RA's really have strong opinions about them. It's up to the BS to do what is best for them to cope, even if it isn't the best solution.
> 
> ...


I don't think I can go thru with a RA. Sure, I've thought about wanting to hurt him back the same, but we all know it's not the same. I'd be doing it outta revenge and he did it for himself at my expense. Now, if a guy flirts with me at the store? Maybe before I wouldn't have even noticed it or I'd have smiled and then blew them off, but I'll chat it up now. The loyalty is kinda gone. I don't think negatively when I hear someone has a RA. I can understand. I don't think I can go thru with it, but I understand. Even those that happen years after the fact. I think it changes everything, like I said before the loyalty thing is gone.


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## DCMarriageCounselor (Aug 30, 2007)

MattMatt said:


> Control? Not sure I'd agree with that. But the good does outweigh the bad.
> Perhaps my revenge affair did work to reconcile us? But I cannot reccomend revenge affairs. Too much heartache for both parties.


I'm amazed at how my occasional affair fantasies totally disconnects me from reality of the heartache. Maybe that's the odd way it sort of protects me...like anesthesia. But obviously it's more like dope which is what I become by acting on the fantasy.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Well Matt, you have an interesting relationship with your with your wife. One question though, nowhere in your posts or threads have you expressed anger at her actions, most of the other BHs go ballistic. Why is that?


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