# Husband with major issues



## nodoovers (Apr 29, 2013)

Now that I wrote that title I realize, I have issues too! 

All I know is I feel stuck, ashamed I have let my life get to this point and I feel no better a person than my husband. So I am not here on this forum to say I am right he is wrong.

I called myself nodoovers because as much as we would like a chance to start over at 6 or 7 yrs old it won't happen.

Wow, where to start, too much to say for one post. Both my husband and I are on our third marriage and have been married for 13 years. When I first met him I was at a pretty low place in my life, had been single mom for 8 years, married again a short time between that.

I have a problem with picking guys with anger issues because I was raised in a family where parents yelled every night I grew up. I don't want my life like that, but I think subconsciously I must feel normal around it.

When I first met husband I have now he fell deeply in love with me and I tried to slow him down because I wasn't ready for a relationship but at same time I was so low all the things he said and did for me felt so good I couldn't push him away. Next thing I know a year later we are married.

I saw his anger a few times while dating and engaged but it was never directed at me and I felt at the time he had a good reason to be angry. But as the years have gone by I have learned he has major issues about how his parents raised him, major anger at both his ex's and not being able to raise his kids since both women got custody (but only because he didn't fight it at all wanting his kids to be in a peaceful environment.)

He holds things in sometimes for months or even longer so by the time he will finally talk to me about a problem since he hates confrontation, it is so huge to him its hard for me to talk about it. I feel its unfair he had these feelings for so long and never mentioned them.

He has gone to counseling briefly a few times since we were together, went longer about 20 years ago. But now he says they have nothing for him and didn't like any meds so won't take them either.

When we retired we made a deal I put my retirement $ 400K into our house along with a loan and we live off his pension since I am not in 60's yet. Also he is the one with healthcare. Our house has gone down so much in this economy let's just say if we split up I would have almost nothing, so I feel insecure.

I am more than willing to say we both made a mistake but there is no easy way to fix it. 

And yes I have gone to counseling off and on through my life, spent years working through my own issues and in the last ten years feel like I am doing pretty good about my old stuff. It's kind of like finally for the first time in your life feeling better about yourself and healthier mentally and physically and then realizing you are married to someone who wants to stay mired in the past.

When he is not angry or depressed my husband is a good man. He helps around the house, is a sweet nice guy, very affectionate, telling me I am beautiful, etc. So it is very confusing to me to have it go from love to hate sometimes a few times in one day!

And one question I have is how do you know when a person is upset and ranting stupid stuff if they mean any of it?


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Can you give an example of what was said?


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## nodoovers (Apr 29, 2013)

I don't want to go into specifics unless on a private message.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

nodoovers said:


> So it is very confusing to me to have it go from love to hate sometimes a few times in one day!


DoOver, this ability to flip -- in just ten seconds -- from loving you to hating you is one of the key hallmarks of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I therefore suggest you read more about the nine BPD traits to see if most of these red flags sound very familiar. If your H exhibits a strong pattern of BPD traits, you should be seeing most of the nine traits at a strong and persistent level.


> And one question I have is how do you know when a person is upset and ranting stupid stuff if they mean any of it?


If he has strong BPD traits, he likely is convinced the nonsense is true while he is saying it. A BPDer has such a fragile ego and so much self loathing that his subconconscious frequently protects him from seeing too much of reality. It does that by projecting hurtful thoughts and feelings outward onto the spouse. Because this projection occurs ENTIRELY at the subconscious level, his conscious mind truly believes that the projection is true.

This is why it is common to see such outrageous accusations coming out of a BPDer's mouth that you will simply marvel that any human adult is capable of saying such absurdities while holding a straight face.

If your H is a BPDer, what you are seeing is called "black-white thinking." It occurs because a person with strong BPD traits has such a fragmented sense of self that he is very intolerant of ambiguities, uncertainties, having mixed feelings, and any other grey areas. He therefore will shoehorn everyone into a black or white box so he knows how to deal with them.

This B-W thinking will be especially evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...." It also will be evident in the way he catgegorizes everyone (including himself) as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone, in just ten seconds, from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a trivial statement or infraction. And a week or a year later, he can recategorize that person back again just as quickly, again based on a minor act or statement.

If you would like to read about what it is like to live with a typical BPDer, I suggest you see my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. That post explains B-W thinking in greater detail than what I said above. Kathy Batesell also provides an excellent overview of BPD at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. If those discussions ring a bell, there are a number of us here at TAM who would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, DoOVer.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

nodoovers said:


> I don't want to go into specifics unless on a private message.


Why not? No one knows who you are and you can't get good advice if people don't know the details. You can't personal message everyone who tries to help you that's not practical.


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## nodoovers (Apr 29, 2013)

Thanks for the ideas uptown and northland he said some things that are suicidal but not exactly. Since the time I wrote he is back to being normal and nothing wrong.

He has these episodes that can last for days and then be normal for weeks or months.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

nodoovers said:


> He has these episodes that can last for days and then be normal for weeks or months.


Mood changes can be caused by drug abuse, sudden hormone changes (e.g., at puberty or midlife), and brain injury. If you can rule those events out, the two big causes of mood changes are bipolar disorder and BPD. Both of them can cause mood changes that disappear for weeks (sometimes, months) at a time. With bipolar, however, the mood change typically takes two weeks to develop and it will stay for a couple of weeks. 

In contrast, BPD mood changes occur in seconds, being triggered by some minor thing you say or do. And the BPD tantrum typically lasts only a few hours (only rarely as long as two days). 

If you would like to read about many other differences between those two disorders, please see my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/59344-confused.html#post1175425. I am not a psychologist. That description is based on my 15 years' experience living with a BPDer exW and my bipolar-1 foster son.


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## nodoovers (Apr 29, 2013)

I thought he was one of those things to but last time I had him in counseling in the fall she said she thought he had OCD not touching things over and over type but repetitive negative thoughts. 

I think he is just spending too much time alone dwelling on the past. Because when I can keep him busy its like there is no problem at all.


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