# disrespected?



## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi, I have been with my bf for almost 2 years. Back in February of this year I had found that he had been secretly texting and visiting a girl behind my back. This particular girl he was friends with before me and him got together and were first seeing each other. He had told me that before he met me he was interested in her and was thinking of dating her. He also told me about 11 months ago that he would date her. It was about 2 months later that I found they were talking. I called her and she told me that they had kissed when me and him were first together. He lied about it at first then he came clean and said that it was true. When I had confronted him about talking to her behind me back and hiding it from me he lied and we commenced a big fight which to then he admitted it, and when I asked him why he would do it to me he took off and left me. I was trying to call him and he wouldn't answer the phone, texted him and he ignored me. I then called her and she said he was trying to call her and kept calling her and texting her off the hook but she wouldn't answer him. I really didn't get why he was ignoring me and texting her or calling her. She said that he texted her that he was done with me and that I was crazy. We ended up working things out since. She had lived in a small town near his and I had told him that I thought it would be very indecent of him to go to the place where she worked for any reason. So I basicly banned him from going there. To my knowledge he didn't go there at all. About 6 months ago she moved into the town where he works. She now works at a gas station there, the cheapest one in town and the one that he has always gotten gas and cigarettes from. I found this out because about 6 months ago he was letting me use his cell phone because he has a work cell phone and my cell phone was on the fritz. When we were at Walmart she texted his phone, I immediately knew that it was her. I told him who it was and texted her to “leave me alone“ it being his cell phone she thought it was him. I texted her the next day from my cell phone and asked her why she texted him when she promised that she would not talk to him anymore out of respect for me. She ignored me. I still had his phone so I then texted her from it posing as him. I know it was wrong but I did it anyways. That was how I found out where she lived and worked now. He knows that she works there but still goes there all the time for gas and cigarettes when there are other gas stations closer to his work. He also passes by a cheaper place then there daily on his way to work that he could get gas of cigarettes if he needed them. She is friends with some of his friends and is always at |Tim Hortons. There is another Tim Hortons the exact same distance from his work but he still goes to the one she hangs out at all the time even tho he knows that he has a fair chance of running into her and sees her a few times a week there. He says that he does not talk to her when he is there tho. I have caught him in lies before so I really don't know if this is the truth or not. I have asked him if he could please go somewhere else because it makes me feel disrespected when he goes there knowing that she could very well be there and how many times he sees her. He said that he shouldn't have to stay away from a place just because she is there or works there. That she is friends with some of his friends and it isn't fair of me to ask him to stay away from those places. His friends mother also works at the gas station that she works at. He said that he only goes there when he sees his friends moms car there. He says that he has never been there when she is working. Is it wrong of me to feel that he is disrespecting me in going there. I know if the situation was turned around and I was trying to earn back his trust because I had done something stupid that I would steer clear of places that I knew the person could be at out of respect for my partner and not to put me in a temptatious situation irregardless if my friends were there with her or not. If I wanted to see my friends |I could simply ask them to meet me at the other Tim Hortins where I knew the person wouldn't be there. Am I going to far in requesting this? Does it seem like he doesn't care about my feelings? Could he still be talking to her? He has since gotten rid of his personal cell phone and only now has his work phone which I have no access to finding out anything from. I really don't know what I should think. I really feel like he is disrespecting me in going to the place that she works regularly and also the Tim Hortons that he knows she goes to almost the same time every day, when there is another one the same distance. Please help me sort out my feelings and tell me if I am wrong for feeling this way. I love him with all my heart and want nothing more then to feel "normal" again. I hate always having this over our heads. He didn't full out cheat on me but he did betray me and it has made my trust in him falter. Him not caring about how I feel about him frequenting these places doesn't make things any better.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

disrespected said:


> Is it wrong of me to feel that he is disrespecting me in going there.


No.



disrespected said:


> Am I going to far in requesting this?


No.



disrespected said:


> Does it seem like he doesn't care about my feelings?


Yes.



disrespected said:


> Could he still be talking to her?


Of course he's still talking to her. She texted him. Do you text people that you don't talk to? He's admitted to going to her place of business. And of course he's going there to see her.



disrespected said:


> He has since gotten rid of his personal cell phone and only now has his work phone which I have no access to finding out anything from.


And that's why he uses his work phone now. His secrets are safe.



disrespected said:


> I really don't know what I should think.


You should think that he's cheating on you. If he hasn't slept with her yet, he's working on it.



disrespected said:


> Please help me sort out my feelings and tell me if I am wrong for feeling this way. I love him with all my heart and want nothing more then to feel "normal" again. I hate always having this over our heads. He didn't full out cheat on me but he did betray me and it has made my trust in him falter. Him not caring about how I feel about him frequenting these places doesn't make things any better.


Why do you think he hasn't slept with her yet? Because he told you? You know that you can't trust him.

You should dump this guy and find a more trustworthy person to date.

Good luck.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Thank you. He has always went to this gas station regularly, even before she worked there. I know that he hasn't cheated on me. He really doesn't have time to. Everything you have said makes complete sense to me. I know that I should have first left when it happened but I love him deeply, hence me staying and trying to work on things to build the trust back again. He takes my feelings of him not wanting him to go there as me trying to control him. I don't want to control him I simply want him to respect my feelings about how it makes me feel when he goes there. Whether she is working or not, I feel that if he truly cared about my feelings and having me trust him fully then he would make sure that he took my feelings seriously and went out of his way to make sure that he had less of a chance in running into her. I am not going anywhere unless I catch him red handed. I know living with these feelings is likely worse then just leaving but I couldn't imagine my life without him. But one thing I will not live with is if he is cheating. I know that by him going to these places all the time and seeing her is basically like an open invitation to her as well. I don't know why he stays with me if he wants to be around her or doesn't seem to care about my feelings about it.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Have you told him that since going to that gas station is a trivial thing, he should follow your wishes on this?
> 
> That he needs to do it, simply, for your peace of mind?




I have, but he doesn't see it as being trivial he sees it as me trying to control him. I see it as respecting my feelings. He has been going to that particular gas station for years as it is cheapest in the town for gas and cigarettes he thinks that because she works there he should not have to change where he goes just because she is there. He said that he always pays at the pump, but the other day he told me he seen her and he had to go in when she was working because he only had cash on him. He said he didn't talk to her. He sees her sometimes several times in a week and says he never talks to her. I just wish he would simply not go. I really don't get why this is such a hard thing to do other then if he wants to just happen to run into her all the time and his refusal to try and respect my feelings is beyond frustrating.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You want him to respect you, but he quite clearly doesn't. You are getting a clear look at his lack of character. He is not a project for you to work on, nothing you can do will change him. Nothing. So what are you going to do?


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> No.
> 
> 
> No.
> ...


Why do you think he hasn't slept with her yet? Because he told you? You know that you can't trust him.

I don't think he has slept with her yet because he really doesn't have time to. We have a great life in that aspect and I really don't think he would have it in him to do both of us. I think if he is doing anything it would simply be talking or texting. If I found that he still was and I knew for sure I would leave, cheating or not cheating because the emotional things almost always lead to sexual.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> You want him to respect you, but he quite clearly doesn't. You are getting a clear look at his lack of character. He is not a project for you to work on, nothing you can do will change him. Nothing. So what are you going to do?


I really don't know what I am going to do. I have been *****ing and moaning about him going there for several months now and he still goes and doesn't care about how I feel about it. I'm still here now.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

So for months he refuses to drop her as an interest. You're satisfied being an option amongst others? Why? You aren't respecting yourself either, why would he?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dump and run. Dont bother with all of this.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> So for months he refuses to drop her as an interest. You're satisfied being an option amongst others? Why? You aren't respecting yourself either, why would he?


He apparently has dropped her as an interest according to him. I just feel that by him still frequenting these places even though he has been frequenting these places for his whole life is like showing interest in her still. If he wanted nothing to do with her, he wouldn't go to places where he has a chance of running into her. I am not satisfied with this at all, I feel as if he should respect me without me even having to ask. Am I really naive to think that he is telling me the truth about having no interest in her? How can I make a stand here? I don't want to leave him, I love him. So is it either I take this or move on?


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

So no one thinks that I am being controlling in asking him not to go tho the places she goes and asking that he go to other places whether they are a few cents more for gas or even if his friends moms car is at the gas station? to just simply not go?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

disrespected said:


> He has always went to this gas station regularly, even before she worked there.


So what? Things change. He's saying that his attachment to this gas station is greater than his attachment to you? That's ridiculous.



disrespected said:


> I know that he hasn't cheated on me. He really doesn't have time to.


You may be right. However, this board is full of stories of people who cheated who never had the time. You would be surprised what people can fit into their busy schedules when they are motivated.



disrespected said:


> I am not going anywhere unless I catch him red handed.


Your boyfriend is obviously trying to remain in contact with this woman. He's frequenting places where she'll be and talking/texting with her. The only reason for doing that when it's hurting his relationship with you is because he's trying to sleep with her. So, you're saying that you're OK with him trying to sleep with her, as long as he's unsuccessful?



disrespected said:


> I don't know why he stays with me if he wants to be around her or doesn't seem to care about my feelings about it.


Because he can have his cake and eat it too. The only thing better than sleeping with one woman is sleeping with two women.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

disrespected said:


> So is it either I take this or move on?


YES!!!!!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

disrespected said:


> Am I really naive to think that he is telling me the truth about having no interest in her?


Yes. If your boyfriend's actions were consistent with his words, then he would be telling the truth. But they're not. He's telling you he's not interested, but you know they're in contact. You know he goes out of his way to see her, or have a chance to see her. He's doing that because he's interested.



disrespected said:


> So is it either I take this or move on?


Pretty much.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Your boyfriend is obviously trying to remain in contact with this woman. He's frequenting places where she'll be and talking/texting with her. The only reason for doing that when it's hurting his relationship with you is because he's trying to sleep with her. So, you're saying that you're OK with him trying to sleep with her, as long as he's unsuccessful?
> 
> 
> To my knowledge he is not talking or texting with her anymore, but he was almost a year ago. I am not ok with him trying to sleep with her. I am not ok with any of this. I guess I am trying to get validation for my feelings on here since he shoves them under the rug as if they are invalid.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

disrespected said:


> So no one thinks that I am being controlling in asking him not to go tho the places she goes and asking that he go to other places whether they are a few cents more for gas or even if his friends moms car is at the gas station? to just simply not go?


Of course not. "Controlling" is one of the primary lines in the cheater's script.

Read the threads on this board and you will see it over and over again. Wife goes out to meet platonic boyfriend for drinks wearing her best lingerie. She drinks too much and ends up sleeping over at boyfriend's place. Husband objects to this behavior and wife accuses him of trying to control her.

Accusations of being controlling are very effective at diverting attention away from the cheater and onto the loyal partner.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So what? Things change. He's saying that his attachment to this gas station is greater than his attachment to you? That's ridiculous.
> 
> 
> You may be right. However, this board is full of stories of people who cheated who never had the time. You would be surprised what people can fit into their busy schedules when they are motivated.
> ...





2asdf2 said:


> Not at all. You have feelings about visiting there.
> 
> Whether trivial or not in his mind, it is the peace of yours that he should be considering.
> 
> ...


Our usual way of handling conflicts is I am upset or bothered by something, I try to talk about it with him and he trys to make my feelings invalid and takes off on me for hours and sometimes nights and expects me to come to him when he is the one who took off over me trying to resolve my feelings. I rarely raise my voice when I first approach a subject I only raise it when he brings up past issues he has had with me to try to turn things around on me.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

disrespected said:


> To my knowledge he is not talking or texting with her anymore, but he was almost a year ago.


She texted him 6 months ago and you only know about it because you were holding his phone when the text came in. Since then, you don't really know what he's doing because he now only uses his work phone, which you don't have access to.



disrespected said:


> I am not ok with him trying to sleep with her. I am not ok with any of this. I guess I am trying to get validation for my feelings on here since he shoves them under the rug as if they are invalid.


Your feelings aren't invalid. Your boyfriend has admitted to trying to sleep with her 9 months ago, which was 15 months after you started dating. You know he was still in contact 6 months ago.

I don't see anything that looks like it's worthy of trying to build a future around. Worst case scenario, he's still trying to sleep with her, although what man really spends 9 months trying to seduce somebody? He's very likely sleeping with her. Best case scenario, he tried to sleep with her several months ago, you caught him, and he stopped. And now, he doesn't care about your feelings enough to stop hanging out around the girl he was trying to sleep with.

Either way, it looks like a bad deal to me. He's not exactly husband material.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He says one thing with words to placate you, but his actions tell you his real thoughts and feelings. Leave, before you get connected for life. Respect yourself, if you don't, who will?


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

sigh. Wish this was easy. Thank you for all of your helpful insight. I Still don't think he is sleeping with her but I really do feel like it is possible that they are still talking. He was friends with her for 3 years before we got together and they never slept together only kissed the one time that I know of. She has a boyfriend, would have dated him but they never ended up together. I needed to hear this so I wouldn't back down from my insistence of it. If it comes down to me having to leave then that is what will have to be done. I feel like its such a waste of time when you give your all in something only to not be treated the same and have the same respect for feelings. Sigh.....


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Be glad you found this out while he's only a bf and not husband. Would you want to live with this long term in a marriage? 

I'm guessing the two of you are younger - move on and find someone who is concerned about making you feel comfortable and secure in the relationship.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

No I wouldn't take this in s marriage that is why I have been trying to fix something that I didn't break. We are both in our early 30s. I have stuck around thinking that my feelings would eventually go away and that he would work hard to earn my trust back but that has not been the case when my feelings over something so small are made to be invalid by him. ad;1207863]Be glad you found this out while he's only a bf and not husband. Would you want to live with this long term in a marriage? 

I'm guessing the two of you are younger - move on and find someone who is concerned about making you feel comfortable and secure in the relationship.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

disrespected said:


> No I wouldn't take this in s marriage that is why I have been trying to fix something that I didn't break. We are both in our early 30s. I have stuck around thinking that my feelings would eventually go away and that he would work hard to earn my trust back but that has not been the case when my feelings over something so small are made to be invalid by him. ad;1207863]Be glad you found this out while he's only a bf and not husband. Would you want to live with this long term in a marriage?
> 
> I'm guessing the two of you are younger - move on and find someone who is concerned about making you feel comfortable and secure in the relationship.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

You wouldn't take this if you were married, but you will take it now, when there's hardly anything holding you together? What is it that makes this complicated in any way?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I guess I'm trying to understand what there is to stay and fix. You've stated the boundaries that you feel secure in the relationship. He isn't willing to live by them.

You aren't married - what ties you to this person and keeps you unwilling to move on and find someone who loves you and respects your genuine concerns?


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You wouldn't take this if you were married, but you will take it now, when there's hardly anything holding you together? What is it that makes this complicated in any way?[/QUOTE]

I love him and my kids also love him. I love the way I feel when I am with him, he makes me feel whole. \That is what makes it complicated. I guess I am too much of a dreamer thinking that this can be worked out. I have always thought that if a couple works together as a team they could get through anything, but when there is a lack of team effort and ones feelings are being brushed under the rug it makes it near impossible. It is hard to let go. I am really tired of the whole dating thing and just want to settle down. I was betrayed in my marriage as well. Can't help thinking that all men are the same and have grown very impatient. If this relationship doesn't work out I will not date until my kids are grown. My concern is mostly for them growing so attached and then having him ripped out of their life due to something so easy to fix he just fails to notice how easy it would be or just doesn't want it as bad as I do.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I guess I'm trying to understand what there is to stay and fix. You've stated the boundaries that you feel secure in the relationship. He isn't willing to live by them.
> 
> You aren't married - what ties you to this person and keeps you unwilling to move on and find someone who loves you and respects your genuine concerns?


What ties me is my naivity in thinking that this could work. Also my last statement.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Your kids will see that you stand up for yourself and are strong versus someone who will accept that type of behavior. Many people use their kids as a reason to stay in a bad relationship.

You're no longer naive - you see his behavior, you've stated what you need, he is not willing to agree to that. What will you do about it now?


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Your kids will see that you stand up for yourself and are strong versus someone who will accept that type of behavior. Many people use their kids as a reason to stay in a bad relationship.
> 
> You're no longer naive - you see his behavior, you've stated what you need, he is not willing to agree to that. What will you do about it now?


I will stick to my guns and if he still refuses to stop frequenting these places I will have no choice but to let this drift off to nothing. I haven't put up much of a fight about it to date only merely mentioned it a few times in how uncomfortable I was with him going.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

disrespected said:


> I will stick to my guns and if he still refuses to stop frequenting these places I will have no choice but to let this drift off to nothing. I haven't put up much of a fight about it to date only merely mentioned it a few times in how uncomfortable I was with him going.


Calm, clear communication. Keep to facts - what behavior he is doing, how it makes you feel and what you are asking he do for the health of the relationship.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks all of you for helping me see this situation more clearly. I only hope that he will be more understanding and think about my needs as I would do the same for him.


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