# from my financial infidelity



## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

hi all..

I have posted only a few times but I thought it was time to update and i thought this was the best forum topic as it was my financial infidelity that almost lead to the collapse of our marriage.

short quick background..
married 10 years to an emotional..and financial abuser...I worked hard..but had to turn in every reciept and every other penny i made..it was hard..but i left him after ten years (actually one month short of our ten year wedding anniversary) had been with him for 6 years from 15-21 when i married him.

was single with my daughter for several years...about 8 or so..dated but was so afraid of committment..plus ex was still harrassing me.
then i met greg. the first couple years were picture perfect..but then i started feeling like i was a KEPT wife ( wasnt..earned an income..but it all went in the pot ya know)

hubby makes much more than me...

anyway long story short..i ran low on my own cash..took a credit card out in his name (fraud..i know) and spent it not thinking he would find out..he did( of course) he freaked...kicked me out for a few weeks (maybe 6?) then we got into councelling..it has been a hard go..i had to be soooo transparent on everything.

anyway this is for those who are looking for inspiration...

here we are ...less than two years later, and two months ago I took over the finances and he has trusted me to do this!! I have since (from both our monies) paid off his 3400 credit card..and this month i will pay off the 4200 line of credit...following month I battle the home depot and the month after that we pay off our last consumer debt..we are then set on a HUGE repayment of our mortgage..we owe 149,980 on our mortgage as of this week...we will have it paid off in FOUR YEARS if we stick to my plan. I have already set a new repayment plan starting in July.

I guess my point is..two months ago my husband said how hard it was for him to give up financial control..but he knew he had to...he knew that keeping the financial reins on me was PART of the reason I acted like a teenager rebelling and hid stuff...so..he was giving me a year to run the household bills..after that we would sit down together and decide a course of action for the future..he thought I needed the experience..lol..well...5 weeks in I paid of his 3400 mastercard..and next week i will be paying off his (our ) 4200 line of credit...and four weeks after that I have budgeted to pay off our remaining homedepot card of 3900. We have lived tight and will have to continue for a few months..I also have our new mortgage plan starting right after...lol

he said...and I QUOTE lol

"holy F. If I knew you were this good at finances I would have never kept them to myself!!:rofl::rofl::"

anyways..

I guess my point is to let everyone know that things can be overcome..hubby now knows being the only one controlling the money took me back in time to my ex husband and made me feel worthless..so i rebelled and spent whatever i wanted on lunches with the girls..wine ect..why not? I didnt feel like part of a team..NOW..hahaha...he says I am a crazy mean budget queen..:rofl::rofl: thats ok with me.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Congratulations! I'm glad that worked for you. When my husband took over our finance in 2006 it became a living nightmare. I had paid off everything we owned (except the house) before 2006. He rebelled because I was tight with money. And now we are in debt by more than 2 million, and he is nowhere to be found.....wished he could have done as you did.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Congrats!
I was like this with clothes and shopping. My self worth was tied to "things". When I go my own CC's I spent spent spend. I would get personal shoppers and pick out the clothes!
It took me a long time to deal with the scars of feeling inferior.. but I did and now I have to make myself shop, and I always pay cash (drives hubby nuts), and everything is on sale or "a good deal" never full price.
I went from owing 10k in CC debt to owing $0 and saving like crazy, as well as doing all of our finances!


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

well done bunny!!!!!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

You make me smile! 

I think you are right, when you are in control, when you are in charge, you have to become responsible. And you have proved him you are very responsible. 

When we are responsible with money, then our men will trust us to be in charge. I think we feel more secure when we are in charge of the finance.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Thank you..

Oh and Greenpearl, in my family women handle the money, although both people work (parents/aunts etc), as do all of my female friends.

I do have to say it causes problems for some when they get too controlling with it. We take out $50 a paycheck, so $100 month and have that to spend on whatever we like. My husband saved the money for a bike and now has $2000 towards one! I'm still a clothes spender, but only at $100 a month!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

bunny23 said:


> Thank you..
> 
> Oh and Greenpearl, in my family women handle the money, although both people work (parents/aunts etc), as do all of my female friends.
> 
> I do have to say it causes problems for some when they get too controlling with it. We take out $50 a paycheck, so $100 month and have that to spend on whatever we like. My husband saved the money for a bike and now has $2000 towards one! I'm still a clothes spender, but only at $100 a month!


Bunny,

I am in charge of money, but my husband gets to spend more. 

I plan our monthly budget, and my husband agrees with my budget, I try very hard to stick to our budget. 

He has pocket money every week to buy chocolate, drinks, and snacks during work hours. I seldom buy anything to eat when I work. 

When he wants to buy something, he just needs to tell me and he gets whatever he needs. When I want something, I get to spend whatever I want too. But both of us are careful with money, we never made the other one uncomfortable.

Our finances are transparent for both of us. We both know how much money we spend and how much money we save!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sheez, your story sounds rather similar to what happened with my missus... "so i rebelled and spent whatever i wanted on lunches with the girls..wine ect..why not? I didnt feel like part of a team"
Women... >.>

You know though... based on my experience last year; it would have been easier if the missus had just cut spending so I could have trusted her better instead of the fights driving us to the point that I had to take a leap of faith until she proves herself! lol

Bah!


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

random dude...my issue was hubby did not know how much I was spending. I own my mistakes totally. Hubby owns his. mine were I lied and covered my tracks...his were he was financially controlling. Neither one of us can blame each other for any of this..we take ownership of what we both did to contribute to the issue. 
Now, I feel like I am part of the team. Now I feel that I have worth. It is a great feeling for a woman who has had my background. I hope that your wife does prove herself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Oh she has, just as you have 

I think us men underestimate women half the time


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