# did they have an affair ?



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

just to take a poll here , just out of curiosity .

I have divorced my husband over multiple issues . Many I have no answers till today . I have given up on ever knowing .

It is not important now . Just for curiosity . It is a sleepless night so ....

Years ago , in one company trip / party , my ex H and the whole group of people , including me , were dancing and everyone was having a good time . Slowly , my then husband started to dance far away from the group , with a lady , and started groping her , sliding his hands up and down her front and back . She kinda let it happen , then pull his hands away , and it all started again . I was caught in a difficult situation and tried to pretend that I didnt notice anything , while everyone else was getting uncomfortable . It lasted for 1-2 hours before the lady went off , leaving myself to bring a drunk husband back to the hotel room . The next day , upon my questioning , he just brushed it off that he was really drunk and didnt know what had happened .

The next day , during lunch , the lady approached my table and sat with us . Among the conversation , she said to me that she had told my then husband that I was a good wife who looked after him well . During this entire time , my then husband was really totally tensed up in her presence . I kept cool and smooth and acted like nothing had happened . Point is I wonder why would a lady , who was my then husband's colleague make such a comment , that I was a "good wife" , when she doesn't know me at all . It gives me the feeling that my then husband must have told her that I was a bad wife .

Weeks later , he asked to meet her for a business lunch and I said ok . But he came home , all excited and happy , like a teenager who just came back from a date . 

Weeks later , he started bad mouthing her , suspecting she had something going on with the boss , going on business trips with him and getting a lighter load . I had commented that it is the norm and common knowledge . 

Months later , she had a farewell party at her place , and only 1-2 hours before , I was asked if I want to go and I had told him that it is his choice as it is his company's matters . We went . I noticed he behaved very uptight and strange . When I asked , he said he was angry with her over company matters . N I had told him , it was strange that he would still come if he was having conflicts wiht her over company matters . If I had been in that situation , I wouldn't attend that person's party . And the lady hid in her room half the time , and I commented to my then H that it is strange that a host hides in the bedroom . Hours later , she came out and started a conversation in my little group I was having a conversation with . My then H acted all tense again and then started to rush me to leave .

Fast forward , no more news . But my then H was acting all depressed , citing company problems . Later , on hind sight , I had discovered financial problems too , debts he claimed came from his parents and sisters . During that time , other strange events were that I discovered he had bought a stack of CDs , love songs collections , which he hid in his work room and listen to , without me . 

Anyway , we divorced later , due to mounting financial debts ( which he claimed were spent by his parents and sisters ) which I repeatedly have to help pay and having no idea where those money went to , on top of having to support the bulk of the household expenses . His salary disappeared and he couldnt account for it . He started to drink in te bathroom and getting tipsy by dinner . Later , he started to want to do most activities away from the family , even trying to attend church on different days from me and kids ( not sure if he really went to church , on hind sight ) . Much later , he got physically abusive when I pursued more financial responsibility . So , the marriage ended .

So , question is , did he have a EA , PA , or it is really nothing like he claimed to be ?

The men probably could tell .


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think we can tell for sure. Its certainly very suspicious, but I don't see any way to know what did happen or how far it went. Probably a physical affair, but its possible she turned him down and that upset him. 

You are divorced now, so his sins are no longer your problem.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I know .

Just curious .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

His sins will be his . Always .


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I couldn't say for sure, but I would bet if it wasn't her it was someone or multiple someones.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It seems to me that he tried to pursue a relationship with her and probably had a ons but she was playing the field and maybe even slept with their boss. She loved the attention and probably flirted with half the men in the firm.
As for the money,could he have gotten a loan for her and she refused to pay him back.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

No idea . As i said , i never found out the answers to many issues . I asked n all I gotten was lies . I didnt want to find out anymore . Thought of getting a PI but realised I wld be wasting money over a lost cause since i decided i wld go for divorce when he became increasingly physically abusive . 

But his parents n sisters definitely contributed to the loan as i did see a couple of huge amounts in the credit card stmts . 

Women may have added to it , i will never know


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Unrelated , what's up with the space before punctuation ?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Lol

Just habit in physical writing , didn't like the fullstop too near the letters , so i type that way as well . 

Strange that you notice that !!!


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Just noticed that you do the same !!


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Or just copying me ?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

tripad said:


> Just noticed that you do the same !!


He was mocking you. 

Yes, IMO he had an affair when he was feeling her up & down at the party. It probably wasn't the first time either.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Mocking me over punctuation n spacing ? ? ( puzzled look n frowning )


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Based on what you have written, Tripad, definitely an ongoing EA. I think she tried on a PA with him and then backed down ....... which explains the attention she gave you from time to time.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> He was mocking you.
> 
> Yes, IMO he had an affair when he was feeling her up & down at the party. It probably wasn't the first time either.


Mocking? Such negative connotation. Being playful...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

tripad said:


> just to take a poll here
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


OK, if drinking alcohol makes one loose their inhibitions, your husband revealed his "true self" at the office party when he was off to the side dancing with and groping this other woman.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

badsanta said:


> OK, if drinking alcohol makes one loose their inhibitions, your husband revealed his "true self" at the office party when he was off to the side dancing with and groping this other woman.




That's my take as well


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## KristineLuvsIt (Jun 19, 2017)

badsanta said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > just to take a poll here
> ...


Getting drunk and losing one's inhibition is no excuse for infidelity. 

I unfortunately had used this excuse a few times in the past and I've promised my husband that I will not have even one sip at any social function. This promise was made about 5 years ago and though it's been difficult at times I know it's for the better!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Tripad, the wisest thing you ever did in your life was lose 180 pounds of worthless flesh.

Congratulations on your newer, better life.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Herschel said:


> tropicalbeachiwish said:
> 
> 
> > He was mocking you.
> ...


Yeah i thought so


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

KristineLuvsIt said:


> badsanta said:
> 
> 
> > tripad said:
> ...


So did you have an affair ? Or what did you do when you arw drunk ? 

I used to party alot younger . I get drunk but i m aware who i put arms around .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Tripad, the wisest thing you ever did in your life was lose 180 pounds of worthless flesh.
> 
> Congratulations on your newer, better life.


Yeah , i m 12 kg thinner , looking better , hotter , and doing better in my job and financially without him .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Based on what you have written, Tripad, definitely an ongoing EA. I think she tried on a PA with him and then backed down ....... which explains the attention she gave you from time to time.


PA . What kind of human had a PA with one's spouse yet gave the wife attention ? Why ? What's the purpose ?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

tripad said:


> PA . What kind of human had a PA with one's spouse yet gave the wife attention ? Why ? What's the purpose ?



She may have had sex wit your husband and then felt guilty about it. This would explain the couple of moments in which she gave you attention.

We have a whole culture of winning and losing. At the moment, "stealing" someone's spouse is viewed as winning.

Some people get off on playing both sides. And this happens in lots of situations not just sexual ones. My SISTER liked playing both sides in befriending the guys I dated and then their side whenever I and the guy had an argument. What did she get out of it? I can only surmise that she liked being the center of communication. When I complained about her role in my life, she was getting attention. 

Stop being surprised at the weirdest places people find value.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> She may have had sex wit your husband and then felt guilty about it. This would explain the couple of moments in which she gave you attention.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




My take from the short description was that EXH was at least grooming his coworker for an A, and soliciting her sympathy in doing so by painting OP as a horrible spouse who doesn't pay proper attention to him or much worse. It also seems to have worked to some degree, so when the AP actually met OP she realized she had been played and felt compelled to be a bit contrite

From what I've read here, office A's are easily progressed into when OS coworkers start to "confide" in each other about marital issues. I've seen the post a few times lifted from another site where a player describes how he manipulates the emotions of coworkers to get into their pants.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Additional details

Ard those times , my then H suddenly after so many years of marriage , commented tht I should get my nails manicured n coloured . Something i have never done since i was 6 years old . Also , he commented that I was wearing way too simple cotton skirts . Another was that I was cute n I should purr to him so he would do more things for me .

All these was rebutted , i was working my damn ass off to pay for house bills of which he wasnt contributing much , so i dont have energy to purr to the man .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

During separation n divorce , he didnt pay child support but blasted 5k on health product she was selling . I saw on bills still send to my home . 

He bought n got it delivered on his birthday to a pub n the woman posted photos on Facebook . I was completely disgusted that he wont pay child support but blssted 5 k on health products with her , while he was still in debts . 

So , my guess is he is having a shot at her . N others i think . 

N my guess is she didnt take the offer for whatever the reason . Maybe he has no house , no car , no cash now . 

Because subsequently , he started to try too speak to my helper that he regretted the split , yada yada , that i look great , if i have a man now , yada yada .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Another weird incident in those earlier years , i was pregnant n huge . We were shopping and suddenly there were two woman looking at the same stuff as us . But what caught me was that my then H tensed up and the two women were staring straight at him n then me . 

I remembered telling my then H this . Why are they staring like i am ugly n fat , cant they see i am pregnant . He was silent n gave some answers that brushed off the matter . I had thought the two women was weird then . 

Now i wonder ..........


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tripad said:


> just to take a poll here , just out of curiosity .
> 
> I have divorced my husband over multiple issues . Many I have no answers till today . I have given up on ever knowing .
> 
> ...


Sorry I am not a man but I think you are well rid of him!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tripad said:


> Additional details
> 
> Ard those times , my then H suddenly after so many years of marriage , commented tht I should get my nails manicured n coloured . Something i have never done since i was 6 years old . Also , he commented that I was wearing way too simple cotton skirts . Another was that I was cute n I should purr to him so he would do more things for me .
> 
> All these was rebutted , i was working my damn ass off to pay for house bills of which he wasnt contributing much , so i dont have energy to purr to the man .


I remember something similar, I was told that I wear too many autumn colours....this by a man who never ever interfered with what I wore etc


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tripad said:


> During separation n divorce , he didnt pay child support but blasted 5k on health product she was selling . I saw on bills still send to my home .
> 
> He bought n got it delivered on his birthday to a pub n the woman posted photos on Facebook . I was completely disgusted that he wont pay child support but blssted 5 k on health products with her , while he was still in debts .
> 
> ...



She probably set up one of those MLM health product outfits and was touching him up for to buy stuff. He thought he could get in her knickers by contributing to her bottom line......so played along to get his cash. Is she from the same country as you guys? or would she happen to be from another country in that region?

I hope you have a man now, stay away from him, you can do so much better than this. All the best to you


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Just a bunch of circumstantial evidence, but if I had to guess, I would say they probably had a PA...then he found out that she was having PA's with other men at the company.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

aine said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > During separation n divorce , he didnt pay child support but blasted 5k on health product she was selling . I saw on bills still send to my home .
> ...


She is from a nearby country by nationality but she has been residing here for a long time . 

I have a single dad who seemed interested in me in initial stage of my separation n divorce . I was emotional n not ready n i dont want to end up having a sexual relationship with the wrong man , much as it was tempting , he's cute after all .

But i guess he moved on , either with someone who's ready or he was appalled by my messy n bad financial situation with my ex n he took out a better stake with a single lady .

I had spent the last few years rebuilding n increasing my income status n no man in sight . So no man in my life yet , other than my boys .


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

All of this can be summed up in 4 words by Chumplady - "Trust that he sucks."


All of these things that he has done/didn't do that you talk about are all intertwined into a portrait of who and what he is. It all intertwines to indicate poor character. 

He just simply was not good husband material and did not make a good husband. 

If his penis never actually entered her vagina, it was not for lack of desire or lack of effort on his part. He wanted to really bad and he tried to get it on with her. 

If they did not do it, it was because she was not attracted to him and she didn't want him. 

You did well to be rid of him. 

Now please stop wasting time, energy and mental bandwidth about him and move forward with your own and make a good life for yourself and put all of this in your rearview mirror disappearing over the horizon behind you. 

You did the right thing. 

"Trust that he sucks."
-Chumplady.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

It's good to hear that many of you thinj the same as i do .

For years , during the marriage , i questioned him these matters and he had me thinking that i am not normal , that i am obsessive n possessive n overly paranoia . I cant tell anyone such things to avoid embarrassing myself .

Till he turned physically abusive , i seek counselling , the counselor told me i was not mad , he probably may need a psychiatrist instead .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> All of this can be summed up in 4 words by Chumplady - "Trust that he sucks."
> 
> 
> All of these things that he has done/didn't do that you talk about are all intertwined into a portrait of who and what he is. It all intertwines to indicate poor character.
> ...


Trust me . It's over . Life has been going up after i recovered from the pits . 
Evaluating history for the sake of not making the same mistakes in the future .


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

tripad said:


> Trust me . It's over . Life has been going up after i recovered from the pits .
> Evaluating history for the sake of not making the same mistakes in the future .


I think it is good what you are doing. A lot of our awareness gets stuck in our subconscious. We need to work to get it out in the open.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I vote "not guilty" on the PA and "guilty as charged" on the EA!

Rationale being that she would not let him in her pants! And certainly not that he didn't try!*


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

tripad said:


> Trust me . It's over . Life has been going up after i recovered from the pits .
> Evaluating history for the sake of not making the same mistakes in the future .


I understand that you still occasionally try to figure out you ex-husband's complicated web of lies. The good news is that you will soon no longer have any interested in your unanswered questions. 

Regarding your ex's excuse for dirty dancing with another lady and ignoring you, I can't understand the excuse of being too drunk. I would be too drunk to even stand up if I was drunk enough to do disrespect my wife like that.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tripad,

One thing it would be nice to know is not only did they have an affair, but who in your life and outside your life knew about, encouraged and supported the affair. It would be horrible to find out 10 years from now that someone still in your life was lying to you by omission. 

Tamat


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Seems to me many boys out there never headed into a responsible manhood. They physically grew into the shell of a man but mentally remain pubescent boys. 

Playing games throughout the evening hours, sneaking porn, acting unmarried most of the time, same childish acts extended well beyond puberty and all that. 

Most likely, no male role models worth a damn. 

It takes a man to live in this world. Too many male kids out there pretending to be adults. 

OP, you deserve an upgrade from this kid. Happy you left this under-developed boy well behind. No need to pine for answers. Your heart already knows.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

In your shoes, is get my nails done, get a tight, short skirt, show a little cleavage, and be very vague about your personal life. Let him wonder a bit


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Dannip said:


> Seems to me many boys out there never headed into a responsible manhood. They physically grew into the shell of a man but mentally remain pubescent boys.
> 
> Playing games throughout the evening hours, sneaking porn, acting unmarried most of the time, same childish acts extended well beyond puberty and all that.
> 
> ...


Yeah , many times , in our quarrels , I yelled ," I am your wife , not your mother !" or " I am a woman , not the man here !" 

I asked myself why didnt i see this in the beginning , I am not a dumb woman . Did he hide it so well or I had been blinded ? 

How do I make sure I don't fall into same mistake again ?


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

tripad said:


> Yeah , many times , in our quarrels , I yelled ," I am your wife , not your mother !" or " I am a woman , not the man here !"
> 
> I asked myself why didnt i see this in the beginning , I am not a dumb woman . Did he hide it so well or I had been blinded ?
> 
> How do I make sure I don't fall into same mistake again ?


I see you're from an Asian country. Much of an
Answer depends on what country, religion and culture you're "in", and if you're native to that country. 

It's hard to generically point to the right way or guy. Understand that your man picker needs evaluation. Date longer, don't commit so fast. The longer you date the more you'll see who and what he is. No man is going to change much getting married in any culture. Women are forced to adjust more than the man. If he needs a mommy now, he will in the future... education, social level differences. Consider these things.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> Tripad,
> 
> One thing it would be nice to know is not only did they have an affair, but who in your life and outside your life knew about, encouraged and supported the affair. It would be horrible to find out 10 years from now that someone still in your life was lying to you by omission.
> 
> Tamat


Wont be surprised . Anymore . 

Some friends , his friends , my friends , have already failed me , when i was at rock bottom . I asked for help n they evaded my calls . One was someone my ex called a bro . Another was a couple who used to call us " a big family" which we can depend on each other . 

When i crawled out of the pit n doing well , n looking hot . I bumped into the guy my ex called "bro" , he looked shocked and texted me if i needed help or if i need him to help talk to my kids ! Wtf !!!! Told him i erased his contact already ..


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

aine said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > just to take a poll here , just out of curiosity .
> ...


Should i have gone over n slap him n drag him back ? 

Just analysing . Not regretting nor looking back . 

My thoughts are that
1) i dont want to give him the satisfaction that i was jealous n the womenfolks are fighting over him.
2) it's a company function . I dont want to blow it up . I want his paycheck .
3) in case , she turns n sneer on me that it was my husband who was groping her . It wld really be embarrassing .
4) told my then H that i cld grope or be groped just as easily . It's a choice , not that I cant . 

What are your opinions ?


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