# Advice about wife's fantasy



## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

This is my first time posting on this forum, but something has come up in my marriage that I just can't let go. 

My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and, in almost all respects, we have a very happy and successful marriage. But before we got married my wife told me a lot about her sexual history, including past threesomes. This has always bothered me, but I know that I should have let it go. 

So I have been working on it. I have been taking better care of myself and trying to open up more to her, to get her to talk about our sexual relationship. About a month ago, we were out of town and started talking a lot and the past threesomes came up and she started crying because she didn't know that I knew about them because she was drunk when she told me. She is not happy about it and I let it go. But some other things were said that I interpretted as "we need to spice things up". So I have been working on that also, but unfortunately my wife is of the mind, "what is up with your sex drive? Where are all these fantasies coming from? Are you having an affair".

Last week I divulged another fantasy of us making love, and asked her to tell me one. She was shy, and then said that she fantasized about have a threesome, with some other guy's **** in her mouth, while we are making love. This blew me away, because, well, I am just not ready for that. I have been thinking about it and it just doesn't seem like a good idea. 

Is what she said out of line? Would others feel free to say this to their partners? I mean, I would never start out with, "I am fantasizing about licking another woman while we are making love." Other statements have been made by her. For example, "It's just more exciting at first when you start dating."

I really want to work with her and spice things up, but is she trying to drop a hint? Should I just ask her straight up?

Bewildered


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Trite as it may sound to say, you DID ask. You shouldn't have asked if you didn't wan to know the answer.

The thing about fantasies is that they can stay fantasies...you don't HAVE to act upon them unless you both agree you want to. And even if you both agree you want to, you STILL aren't obligated to act upon them.

Case in point: My wife has a fantasy about being with another woman. Coincidentally, I have one about watching two women together (and possibly joining in). I gave her my blessing to indulge her curiosity as long as I at least get to watch, thus fulfilling mine. For a time, she conducted a semi-active search for a woman who fit the bill and agreed to our conditions. Then, after our marital porblems of the past year and a half, she told me that she determined that, while I may think I can handle the reality of her being with another woman, she doesn't think I can, and has stopped looking. The fantasy will remain just that, out of deference to our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You asked for her fantasy, and she gave you that. It doesn't mean she wants it to be reality again. Buy a toy for her down there while you are in her mouth. If you don't want to do that, let her know that you thought about it and it makes you uncomfortable because you have no intentions of sharing her in fantasy or reality. And leave it at that.

If you do act on it, be prepared to hear her say things during the act that might bother you as well.

You're a couple. Talk about it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

1) Most fantasies are best left as fantasies.

2) Know you boundaries. Bringing another man into the relationship is complete folly from a practical standpoint in my opinion. You are letting another man be very Alpha dn dominate you with your wife. I don't get the whole cuckold fetish. If it is something you absolutely crave then who am I to say. Plus it completely creeps me out. She needs to understand your boundaries. Going past this one is for the most part not something you can undo.

3) Know her boundaries. Do not push her past her own boundaries. It is one thing to spice things up but you need to not disrespect your partner.

I suggest you be very Alpha with this and tell her that while she fantasizes about this, this is not something you would actually do. You do not wish to share her in anyway with another man. Assuming this is the truth.


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## Happily Married Guy (Sep 26, 2011)

There can be a difference between fantasy and reality. I think a threesome is a great fantasy, in reality however I think it would have a very negative impact on our relationship so that one just stays as a fantasy. Talking about sex and fantasies has made our relationship and sex life much better. We waited to share these things with each other for years and both regret waiting so long. There are things we share in discussions about fantasies that we wouldn't actualy do for various reasons. Its still very exciting to talk about it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Keep it a fantasy. Introduce her to your friend Bob (battery operated boyfriend) and the two of you go to town on her at the same time.

Don't be suspicious or angry. In the absence of other evidence, let it be a harmless fantasy. Similarly, if you told your wife that you have a thing for Angelina Jolie, I doubt she would start checking your phone records for numbers with a Hollywood area code.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Wait.....I am confused. Did you aske her what she wants to do in real life or what her "fantasies" are? To me, there is a big difference between wanting to really try things and fantasizing about things. For example, my husband and I both have 3some fantasies but we would NEVER jeopardize our marriage by acting on the fantasy. 

You seem insecure about your sexuality with your wife. The fact that she cried when she found out you knew about her threesomes makes me think she loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. She was showing care and concern for your feelings. That is a good thing. Trust that you are enough for her and keep talking and sharing. Your needs for sex and also trust and safety are just as important as hers.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If you like penises and you like oral, I think it isn't far off to think about some nondescript guy in your mouth while your h is in you. Who gets to be where might be a matter of what you find more intimate. I can't imagine allowing another man to cum in my mouth for instance. And I can't fathom having another man inside of me. But most of all, if my h wanted me to do any of those things I would feel he didn't want to love and protect me. But I can imagine the mouth thing. I really just wish he had 2. 

The fact that she has had threesome would really worry me, too. And it would take a truckload of reassurance for me to believe she wouldn't really like to do it again. I would be very clear that this is unacceptable to you. Monogamy is what you signed up for and anything else would lead to divorce. 

There are plenty if ways to introduce new things into the bedroom. Maybe stay away from fantasies and get some toys. Talk can be very scary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

Thank you all for the advice. I know that I did ask her to "tell me one of her fantasies", but I don't think that means no-holds barred. I mean, would it be okay if she asked me the same and I had said, "I think about having sex with your best friend"?

As for her past, I know that is not the real issue. Whether she had a threesome previously is something that can't be changed.

As for the oral, she doesn't really like it. She just has this fantasy, she says. 

I am insecure about my sexuality with my wife, otherwise this probably wouldn't bother me. I suppose that I crave an intimacy with her that may not be there on her side. Or, more likely, the intimacy is there on her side but it is more than just sex. 

I suppose my insecurity comes in because I've always had this thought that she married me for all the other reasons and that she has settled sexually. This is hard to bring up, and when I have, it only makes me look more insecure.


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

This is what I was looking for. It describes my relationship.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

This is exactly what I am doing. Now I just have to do something about it.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

If you ask about her fantasies you CAN NOT be upset when she answers!

Furthermore fantasies are just that, it's not like she was answering the question "What do you want to do while the kids are at your mom's Friday night?"

If I told my wife "I'd love for Anne Hathaway to suck my balls while I had sex with you," I don't think she'd be offended -- she's know I was a very *normal* guy!

So unless she keeps bringing it up in a way that implies she's expected you to bring in a third, I'd say you're just imagining things and that you have nothing to worry about.

Also, were her 3somes from before the marriage MFM or FMF?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why do you think she settled sexually? Is it something she has said or done? Is it because you entered marriage with less experience? Is it somethin from before she came into your life? Does she have a hard time orgasming or do you? Or any issues in that area? 

What did you say when you suggested she settled? What was her response? 

Look, I am with you. If my h fantasizes about other women I don't want to know. But you invited this one in. Try to look at the other issues and deal with them on your own and with her.

Remember, to be with anyone is a compromise. Sex is an area that can greatly improve over time. Be surprising. Do the unexpected. Blindfold her. But don't feel like she needs another man when a hot, loving man is right there. Dominate her. Ravage her. 

Just try to give her the best of you in all things. That is all you can do. But remember, it is the big picture that matters here. 

You'll be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The threesomes were BEFORE the marriage. Her fantasy is a FANTASY. Good that ya'll are talking.... but don't over analyse it. Get some confidence in your own sexuality before you start worrying about hers. You've GOT to be comfortable in your own skin....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mrwawa said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I know that I did ask her to "tell me one of her fantasies", but I don't think that means no-holds barred. I mean, would it be okay if she asked me the same and I had said, "I think about having sex with your best friend"?


You really can`t be upset when she answers what you asked.

Did you ever think maybe she was holding back by telling you about the threesome fantasy?
How`s that make you feel?

I envy you in fact as my wife has a hard time telling me any of her fantasies.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

TallJeff said:


> If you ask about her fantasies you CAN NOT be upset when she answers!


EVERYONE should remember this. A bloke I know answered his wife honestly about what his fantasies were. Told her he fantasised about having anal with her (not with anyone else, just her). She blew her lid, didn't speak to him for a week, didn't have any kind of sex with him for a month, and he feels totally disinclined to discuss sex with her at all, so any problems just get ignored as they grow bigger and bigger.


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> The threesomes were BEFORE the marriage. Her fantasy is a FANTASY. Good that ya'll are talking.... but don't over analyse it. Get some confidence in your own sexuality before you start worrying about hers. You've GOT to be comfortable in your own skin....


This is it. I need to build my confidence again. I was trying to do it before, but trying to rely on "outside sources" (toys etc.). It needs to come from within.

You all are right, when I think about it. I did invite this. I am actually not upset about her telling me her fantasy, it is the context (my low self esteem, etc.), plus the fact that the fantasies that I divulged to her could be turned into reality by her, while the fantasy that she shared with me takes outside sources.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Just a tip on building up your confidence. There's a common expression that applies here called, "Fake it, 'till you make it."

If you start acting like you're large and in charge, you will feel ridiculous. But over time, you'll feel less ridiculous. Eventually, you will adopt the attitude that you've been projecting.

Good luck.


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Just a tip on building up your confidence. There's a common expression that applies here called, "Fake it, 'till you make it."
> 
> If you start acting like you're large and in charge, you will feel ridiculous. But over time, you'll feel less ridiculous. Eventually, you will adopt the attitude that you've been projecting.
> 
> Good luck.


This is great advice. Just getting out how I have been feeling has made a world of difference and has got me to thinking about who I am.

You are all right that I asked for her fantasy. I was a little defensive about it when I first read the posts, but the more I thought about, the more I realized the issue was me, not her.

In the past, I had more confidence. I am a reasonably good-looking guy who never had problems, and never been dumped. I was always the one breaking things off. However, before marrying my wife, my former girlfriend dumped me hard. I realize today how shattered my ego was after that. Still is. So, I have some things to work on, but you all have helped me realize this. I think just knowing it and being aware of it is half the battle. I guess I had buried it pretty deep.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

im just gonna throw something out here and go with it or dont.

but i saw a video where a woman attached a dildo to a wall or bed or something, about the same height as her in doggy style, then used that on one end while proceeding to give her husband oral at the same time. thus freeing him up and her hands to concentrate, all while being fulfilled at the same time...


i think this is a good compromise, and quite frankly hot as hell.

but thats just me. 


as for the confidence inthe bedroom part.
my wife had an affair. were not reconcilled yet. but i found out that he was MUCH bigger than me and had insane stamina. she said that didnt make or break, but i tell you, you want your confidence to be shattered, they that one on for size (no pun intended) 

shes been with your for a while, and having sex for youfor a while. that should be enough. if its really that big of a deal for her shell either cheat on you or leave you for someone else sexually.


but ill tell you this...


you can counter all this with a few easy things.

the first, as someone said..BE ALPHA!
take control. women actually like this most of the time. 
it excites them and will make sex better.

BE CONFIDENT!!! that will work her libido like nothing else. women always say the sexiest part of a man is his brain (or the sexiest organ) you stimulate that part and everything else is gravy...

and communicate and listen. learn how to react to whats going on, and before hand to find out what she likes. because lets get real, its easier to please a man than it is a woman. but once you please her...then whell be wrapped around your little finger


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I have heard of many stories about spouses revealing “fantasies” where problems arise. The same can be true for discussions about past relationships. I believe in honesty and openness in relationships but, is there a limit to this candor? 
Does my wife need to know about a past 3 some, an ex who could had a particular skill, kink or preference in bed.? Do I need to know about the physical attributes or sexual skills of her exes? Does she need to know that this girl was tight and this one was not? 
The same with Fantasies. Suppose I have a fantasy of meeting a women of a particular race or who poses certain physical attributes, or perhaps an encounter with a member of the same sex or that I want to have sex with a total stranger. I mean they are fantasies but, when translated to our spouses they may make them feel insecure that we want those things. They may also think we actually want to do these things. As I child an older kid punched me for no good reason . He was a bully and for months I fantasized about beating his brains out (literally) with a baseball bat. I have grown up to be a responsible adult with no violent incedents or tendancies. It was a fantasy..nothing more nothing less. 
Suppose I have fantasized about screwing my wife’s best friend or sister? So what are we to do…only give up the most innocent ones. To me one has to be careful what we tell our spouses. Furthermore, even if asked (what are your fantasies and or past relationships) we should still be cautious about what we share. Being asked about our fantasies or past sexuality should not be a license to be insensitive. On the flip side..be careful what you ask for.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

It woouldnt bother me at all. Its just fantasy. I'd rather her tell me than hide it. I'll take it and use it in bed!


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

mrwawa said:


> She was shy, and then said that she fantasized about have a threesome, with some other guy's **** in her mouth, while we are making love. This blew me away, because, well, I am just not ready for that. I have been thinking about it and it just doesn't seem like a good idea.
> 
> Is what she said out of line? Would others feel free to say this to their partners? I mean, I would never start out with, "I am fantasizing about licking another woman while we are making love." Other statements have been made by her. For example, "It's just more exciting at first when you start dating."
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*She blew her lid, didn't speak to him for a week, didn't have any kind of sex with him for a month, and he feels totally disinclined to discuss sex with her at all, so any problems just get ignored as they grow bigger and bigger. *

That doesn't mean we ALL shouldn't talk about intimate fantasies with our spouse.... it just means that your friend's wife is ridiculously immature and lacks adult communication/intimacy skills.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

I can totally relate to what your wife is feeling. My wife and I, after dating for 6 months, got into "the lifestyle." (Swinging) Honestly, it is the most liberating thing I ever experienced and there were threesomes, foursomes, moresomes, dates with other couples, mansion parties, playing with 45 yr old Ivy League university professor women and 19 yr old porn actress women, alike. We had a profile on a lifestyle website that was no different than a single person would have on a dating website and we were very discriminating with others we would meet and it only happened if there was a connection once we met. 
But, while I was ok with my wife being with other men and women, she was extremely jealous and there was lots of drama. We even honeymoon at Desire Cancun, a 5 star swingers resort in Cancun but it all came to an end a few months later at Desire Los Cabos where we went for a week. Eventually, she put her foot down and I have not pushed it and we've only messed around a couple times since but not in the past year and I miss it greatly. I do pray that in 5 yrs when she is 38 and secure with a child or two, that we will return to the lifestyle. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

I have had the same fantasy. It is hard to comprehend for a husband, I have told my own. In reality I do not want it to happen because of all the drama an confusion it would produce in my marriage, which i cherish. I feel, as a woman, it has to do with being desired. This fantasy, I feel, is almost like a duel in the old days. Men would sometimes fight over their women. Women loooooove when men give them sexual attention and that is all this is. Her fantasy is just that, two men basically saying that at that moment you are the only one for me. Thank God that she feels so comfortable telling u these things.. the fact that she can share with u and u not condeming her actually makes her feel closer to you. Your a good hubby


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> *She blew her lid, didn't speak to him for a week, didn't have any kind of sex with him for a month, and he feels totally disinclined to discuss sex with her at all, so any problems just get ignored as they grow bigger and bigger. *
> 
> That doesn't mean we ALL shouldn't talk about intimate fantasies with our spouse.... it just means that your friend's wife is ridiculously immature and lacks adult communication/intimacy skills.


Maybe she is, but she doesn't have a monopoly on it - based on my observation there's a lot of it about. And if someone is not prepared to discuss things like this in a mature, adult fashion, you can't make them.

I think sometimes that if one partner tells the other about a fantasy that the other part partner finds degrading / revolting / unseemly / whatever, the partner who doesn't like it ceases to see the other partner as being in any way separate from the fantasy.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> Keep it a fantasy. Introduce her to your friend Bob (battery operated boyfriend) and the two of you go to town on her at the same time.



We do that! Except we just refer to it as my H's friend  It's just fantasy though.... Never even consider turning it into reality, no way.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think that sharing of fantasies and past sexual experiences is a major path to intimacy, IF DONE RIGHT.

Her tears when telling you about the threesome shows that she is confused with it and/or doesn't want to hurt you. Often women will describe their sexual past as 'mistakes' and this is sometimes the case but it's unfortunate that too often women feel that they can't be open about it with their partners, including the positive aspects. For some reason we naturally think that all past experiences with others are shameful mistakes and must be relegated to 'the past is the past' kind of thinking. You can't change that your wife (presumably) had two guys at once and these experiences are clearly an important part of her sexuality. You either force her to keep it to herself and isolate her with this or you explore it together. Here are some suggestions/ideas:

1. SLOWLY start to explore her experiences with two guys in detail. Make her comfortable in sharing this with you. It's clearly something that she is interested in and I don't think it's good to isolate her on this topic. Your post made it sound like you were shocked and that it was inappropriate for her to tell you. This attitude will shut her down on the topic but it won't make it go away. This is a journey and for true intimacy, you need to become comfortable with her sexuality and she needs to be comfortable opening up to you. In exploring this, let her open up to how having sex with two guys made her feel and what they did to her. Do this slowly. Try talking about it when you are having sex as this will help her with her fantasy element and it might also make you express your own feelings about it through the medium of sex (i'm serious!).

2. As you explore her experience with this, be open about how it makes you feel but be careful not to shut her down. As with her sharing, do this carefully and slowly. It's likely that you have confused feelings about it so it will help you to explore your feelings with her.

3. As others have said, you need to bolster your confidence and strength in this. If she likes two guys on her, she likely likes to be dominated and if you are a passive, gentle lover, she will likely be left unsatisfied. Perhaps hearing about your wife with two guys can help make you more aggressive in bed.

I can imagine that her being with two guys was extremely intense and it clearly has shaped her sexuality. You don't need to experience this in real life but you need ways to create that intensity. I like the suggestion of the simulated 'double act' with a dildo but it must be accompanied by sharing the feelings and the fantasy in words.

I've explored sexual fantasies with my wife without acting on them in real life. For example, together we have recreated some of her past experiences. This was very hot for us both. We have also explored what she wanted to do with, for example, a guy that she wanted but never had sex with, including 'show and tell'.

All of this requires a great deal of trust and it can lead to greater intimacy but you need to be in the right place in your relationship. You need to proceed with caution and timing is right. It can't be forced and you both must be equally open to it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

mrwawa said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and, in almost all respects, we have a very happy and successful marriage. But* before we got married my wife told me a lot about her sexual history, including past threesomes.* This has always bothered me, but I know that I should have let it go.
> 
> So I have been working on it. I have been taking better care of myself and trying to open up more to her, to get her to talk about our sexual relationship. * About a month ago, we were out of town and started talking a lot and the past threesomes came up and she started crying because she didn't know that I knew about them because she was drunk when she told me. She is not happy about it and I let it go.* But some other things were said that I interpretted as "we need to spice things up". So I have been working on that also, but unfortunately my wife is of the mind, "what is up with your sex drive? Where are all these fantasies coming from? Are you having an affair".
> 
> *Last week I divulged another fantasy of us making love, and asked her to tell me one. She was shy, and then said that she fantasized about have a threesome, with some other guy's **** in her mouth, while we are making love.* This blew me away, because, well, I am just not ready for that. I have been thinking about it and it just doesn't seem like a good idea.



Let me sum it up. She had multiple threesomes before marriage. Then a month ago she cried -- because she was not comfortable with you knowing her sexual past. Now last week she "fantasized" (her subtle way of asking) about having a threesome.

Looks like she missed her past sexual experiences and wants to relive them. 

She has grown comfortable with you knowing about her threesomes and is now telling you she wants more threesome.

It seems to me that desire is engrained into her system. And how you should or could handle that desire within her depends on many factors. The key point is: can that desire be killed?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

aug said:


> The key point is: can that desire be killed?


I don't know why you'd want to kill it. Killing it would be a difficult task anyway.

I'd rather set some firm boundaries and use it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I don't know why you'd want to kill it. Killing it would be a difficult task anyway.
> 
> I'd rather set some firm boundaries and use it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with tacoma. Like it or not, this is a big part of her sexuality. You can probably get her to the point where she will never bring it up with you again. You can shame her for it, make her keep it to herself and isolate her on this. But you can't kill it. You may agree or disagree with threesomes as a sexual activity but it's her history and her fantasy. Likely it was very intense for her in many different ways and not easily forgotten. You can suppress it with her but it will always be in her mind. 

Your choices are to
-isolate her on it and make it an unmentionable topic
-explore the fantasy and her experience with it in the past while never doing it real time
-or you can agree to take the fantasy into reality.

I don't sense that you are going to want to participate in it in real life so I think your only option is to explore the fantasy and her experiences with it. Be open and create a sense of trust and intimacy around her sexuality.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Cherry said:


> We do that! Except we just refer to it as my H's friend  It's just fantasy though.... Never even consider turning it into reality, no way.



The Dresden Dolls - The Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy - YouTube


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Astounding. Let's see - she tells her husband a fantasy about using a toy while he does her doggy style. He is concerned and feels inadequate because he thinks her fantasy means that he is not enough for her sexually. It appears that through some giant leap of imagination and a few left turns, the OP is being encouraged to assume that her fantasy indictes that she has threesomes in her blood and he should encourage her to act on this. This, dispite her obvious misgivings about her past experiences and her husbands concern about the interpretation of her fantasy.

I think this highlights why some women are reluctant to reveal fantasies. You never know what mental gymnastics and whetting of appetite for variety it will engender in her partner. I believe women instinctively know better than to reveal fantasies. They may be judged for them or the image may perculate around in the mind of her partner and who knows what will pop out. She may find herself with a partner who is constantly at her to engage in swinging after she reveals a fantasy about maturbating in a forest. 

Ladies my advice keep your fantasies and details of what you did with whom to yourself. 

OP, from what you posted, your wife does not appear to be interested in having a threesome. Seems to be something she did for fun while young and unmarried. She seems to want a monogamous sex life with you along with acting out some harmless fantasies. You seem to have a good relationship if she trust you enough to share her fantasies. Please don't betray her by taking these fantasies to mean that she has the desire to have a third in your bed. If you make assumptions in that direction and ask her if she would like to act on it, , you may very well destroy a good relationship for dreams of a few orgasms. Not worth the risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Tucker has moment of reflection, ends poorly « TuckerMax.com


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think this highlights why some *people *are reluctant to reveal fantasies. You never know what mental gymnastics and whetting of appetite for variety it will engender in *his or her* partner. I believe *many people *instinctively know better than to reveal fantasies. They may be judged for them or the image may perculate around in the mind of *his or her* partner and who knows what will pop out.
> *Everybody *my advice keep your fantasies and details of what you did with whom to yourself.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fixed for general applicability. Neither men nor women have the monopoly on making the revelation of fantasies go horribly wrong.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> Fixed for general applicability. Neither men nor women have the monopoly on making the revelation of fantasies go horribly wrong.


You are right, some fantasies revealed by husbands to their wives cause problems if the woman finds them distasteful. So yes, both genders should be cautious, for different reasons. But i was not aware that men have problems revealing their fantasies. Most men seem very comfortable with their fantasies and seem to take it as a given that one of the perks of a having a wife Is to get a chance to act them out. 

My statement delt with what I observed in this thread - the illogical assumption that the OP's wife wants to engage in threesomes. My analysis as to why these men were led in that direction may be faulty but I leave it to you to explain their reasoning. 

I thought that dreams of a new woman, never being far from the thoughts of most men or thats what men say, may be fueling these wild assumptions. You know the genetic programing to spread seed and they can't help it type of thing. My advice is appropriate for women - don't play into his programming. Is that better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It's not a fantasy. She has done the threesome many times before. Note the plural in the original post.

It's a reality.

She wants more.





mrwawa said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and, in almost all respects, we have a very happy and successful marriage. But before we got married my wife told me a lot about her sexual history, including past *threesomes.* This has always bothered me, but I know that I should have let it go.


Definition of fantasy:
The faculty or activity of imagining things that are impossible or improbable.

Her threesomes are not "impossible or improbable".


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

aug said:


> It's not a fantasy. She has done the threesome many times before. Note the plural in the original post.
> 
> It's a reality.
> 
> She wants more.


So?

My wife has a fantasy about her and another woman servicing me.

I`d love it, I won`t ever do it because I don`t think any good can come of it.

Just because someone "wants" doesn`t mean they intend to "get".

My wife's fantasy has become fodder for some very hot lovemaking sessions.

Like I said, the OP needs to set some strong boundaries and then use this fantasy as mental stimulation for him and his wife.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

tacoma said:


> So?
> 
> My wife has a fantasy about her and another woman servicing me.
> 
> ...



I agree with your suggestion of boundaries.

As an aside: I'm curious. What if her fantasy was having 2 or more men servicing her? Would you be comfortable and content with that?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don' t see why not.

Many situations have gone through my mind in fantasy a few are scenes I know will never happen nor would I want them to.

Don't see why my wife couldn't be in the same boat without it threatening my worth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don' t see why not.
> 
> Many situations have gone through my mind in fantasy a few are scenes I know will never happen nor would I want them to.
> 
> ...



I think this is the state that the OP and his wife should reach.

...with firm boundaries.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You are right, some fantasies revealed by husbands to their wives cause problems if the woman finds them distasteful. So yes, both genders should be cautious, for different reasons. But i was not aware that men have problems revealing their fantasies. Most men seem very comfortable with their fantasies and seem to take it as a given that one of the perks of a having a wife Is to get a chance to act them out.


I agree - I suspect that men are (on balance) more likely to be judged negatively for the content of their fantasies - and not merely not having the opportunity to act out fantasies, but to do anything sexual at all!


> My statement delt with what I observed in this thread - the illogical assumption that the OP's wife wants to engage in threesomes. My analysis as to why these men were led in that direction may be faulty but I leave it to you to explain their reasoning.
> 
> I thought that dreams of a new woman, never being far from the thoughts of most men or thats what men say, may be fueling these wild assumptions. You know the genetic programing to spread seed and they can't help it type of thing. My advice is appropriate for women - don't play into his programming. Is that better?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmm, the ability to takea few disparate pieces of the puzzle and assemble them into something that in no way resembles what the parts came from? If I had a pound for every time I've seen THAT, I'd be a moderately wealthy man


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Of course there is some risk in sharing fantasies and discussing sexual pasts but I really don't understand why so many people think that these things should be just kept quiet. Sexuality is a very important part of person so why would you want to keep it closed off from the person with whom you are supposed to share your sexuality? Having threesomes in the past is a pretty important 'feature' of one's sexuality. I can't imagine this being kept from a partner. If the partner REALLY can't handle it then perhaps it is best to be cautious and maybe even quiet about it. But what kind of relationship is it where a partner can't share important aspects of their lives.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> Hmm, the ability to takea few disparate pieces of the puzzle and assemble them into something that in no way resembles what the parts came from? If I had a pound for every time I've seen THAT, I'd be a moderately wealthy man


You started out with an assessment of my abilities but cut your self short. I think I get it anyway. . You think that my conclusions, given the facts, are faulty but the conclusions that the OP's wife has threesome' s in her blood are sound? 

If my conclusion's seem to be supported by a weak assemblage of pieces then their's, by comparison, are wildly imaginative supported by wishful thinking.

As for men being deprived of acting out their fantasy- I think reasonable fantasies are acted upon from what I have read but the unreasable ones are not. If the man's fantasies involve pleasure for him but not for his wife then of course there is resistence I've read that the great majority of men have threesome fantasies with two women and most would be estatic if their wives were willing to be the third. This would require the wife to pretend she is bisexual and enjoys watching her husband cheat. That may be fun for him but a nightmare for her. If that what you call depravation then I guess you're right. 

I don't think there is general resistence to male fantasies just ones that center on their pleasure only. I'll bet if wives asked their husbands to do a threesome with another man where he performed sex acts with the man and got to watch his wife enjoy a new man, he would not only refuse but probably get upset. 

I'd advise any women with a husband who tries to maneuver her into a threesome when she has already refused, to ask him to do the above first. He will never ask again. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You started out with an assessment of my abilities but cut your self short. I think I get it anyway. . You think that my conclusions, given the facts, are faulty but the conclusions that the OP's wife has threesome' s in her blood are sound?


I _do_ think your conclusions are correct - I think you got the idea that in the second part of my reply I was heckling you. In fact I was agreeing with _you_, and pointing out how others had spun the same facts into something totally dissimilar. Sorry for any confusion caused.



> I don't think there is general resistence to male fantasies just ones that center on their pleasure only. I'll bet if wives asked their husbands to do a threesome with another man where he performed sex acts with the man and got to watch his wife enjoy a new man, he would not only refuse but probably get upset.
> 
> I'd advise any women with a husband who tries to maneuver her into a threesome when she has already refused, to ask him to do the above first. He will never ask again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you've had a polite refusal, don't keep pushing. Chances are it won't be good

I would differ with you regarding the general resistance to male fantasies. I'm not sure whether it's actual "resistance" in some cases, or a perceived opportunity to gather ammunition to use against the man: "How can you think that? What sort of person do you think I am?" Possibly the sort of person who wonders about doing it themself, but won't admit it for fear of giving up some sort of perceived power or moral authority


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## CaptainMyCaptain (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm going to weigh in on this. I am a male, and have had a few MFM's in my past. I loved them, and found them very exciting. I still fantasize about such things, but in NO way want to live one out again. I enjoyed it at the time, but do not want a repeat. 
Maybe your wife is the same way. 
I have fantasies, that are just that, it excites me to think about it, but when it gets down to it, I lose all desire. I've attempted to fulfill some of these, and like I said, the thought was much better from afar, but when it got down to it, I had no desire to do more than fantasize. I hope this helps.


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## teahead (Nov 28, 2011)

Well...I think you're SOL.

If she wants threesomes, she will always want threesomes. 

So...how about starting with ANOTHER GIRL? And if you can handle her with another girl, and she can handle you shtooking another girl, then you can move onto foursomes.

If you're cool with seeing a man bang your wife while you're banging a girl, then eventually you can move onto threesomes with just another dood.

But seriously, if she had two dorks before, she'll want it again. It's just a matter of time it boils over.

Don't mean to be crass, but if she constantly reminds you after sex that you are so awesome and you are all she needs, then nothing to worry.

But...if she don't. Then what I aforementioned is probably true.


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## pates (Dec 9, 2012)

Check out this app - it will help you figure out what your husband's (or wife's) fantasies are (it worked for us!) Fantasy Finder | Fantasy Finder will help you and your partner safely discover common fantasies


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

mrwawa said:


> This is my first time posting on this forum, but something has come up in my marriage that I just can't let go.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and, in almost all respects, we have a very happy and successful marriage. But before we got married my wife told me a lot about her sexual history, including past threesomes. This has always bothered me, but I know that I should have let it go.
> 
> ...


As Samuel L Jackson said in Pulp Fiction.....

"if my answers frighten you, stop asking me scary questions." 

Fantasies are just that......Luckily most of mine are about my wife, and easy to fulfill....Most people have them and never experience them.....Your wife may have absolutely no interest in acting out hers....


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## JerryS (Jan 1, 2016)

mrwawa said:


> This is my first time posting on this forum, but something has come up in my marriage that I just can't let go.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and, in almost all respects, we have a very happy and successful marriage. But before we got married my wife told me a lot about her sexual history, including past threesomes. This has always bothered me, but I know that I should have let it go.
> 
> ...


You did ask,

You have a tiger and you need to let her be herself. Women are strange, I met my wife while having an affair with her while she was married, she was adventurous, naughty, willing to try new things but once we were married she took on another persona, the one that a women conforms to and presents to society. Men are encouraged to explore their sexuality while women are taught to suppress it. I often wonder how many marriages break down and families broken because of one spouse wanting change for a period. Men have affairs and think nothing of dumping the mistress when he is busted but women are taught they can only have sex when their is "love" involved so women tend to make the commitment to their affairs to save face.

My wife nearly had an affair when we were first married, she was very naïve. I spotted the signs straight away, leaving for work early, coming home late, taking longer in the mornings to do her hair, keeping her cell phone close, it was so obvious. She is not very sexually experienced and I think she wanted to try different flavours, she had only slept with two guys before me and had never given or received oral so she needed to make up some ground. What was hurtful for me was the lying, if she had approached me I would have let her.

Your wife was honest with you and has put herself on the line, respect her for it. Lots of men are trapped in sexless marriages who would never have the type of conversation you have had with your wife so on her part it displays a degree of trust that runs deep. She has been honest with you so you need to respect that, if you start to be a jerk that honesty will be gone for good.

You have a keeper.


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